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| author | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-03-03 05:45:28 -0800 |
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| committer | nfenwick <nfenwick@pglaf.org> | 2025-03-03 05:45:28 -0800 |
| commit | 92fa9aab87934216f5d6664a7a48c85dbbf4c271 (patch) | |
| tree | b529447f89e3b870269a1226f748eef38e2a0fa6 /39202-h/39202-h.htm | |
| parent | afa12d2be1c1969774e92ee2a4f52dfc01bb4505 (diff) | |
Diffstat (limited to '39202-h/39202-h.htm')
| -rw-r--r-- | 39202-h/39202-h.htm | 4776 |
1 files changed, 4776 insertions, 0 deletions
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+ float: left; + margin-right: 1em } + +.align-right { clear: right; + float: right; + margin-left: 1em } + +.align-center { margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto } + +div.shrinkwrap { display: table; } + +/* SECTIONS */ + +body { margin: 5% 10% 5% 10% } + +/* compact list items containing just one p */ +li p.pfirst { margin-top: 0; margin-bottom: 0 } + +.first { margin-top: 0 !important; + text-indent: 0 !important } +.last { margin-bottom: 0 !important } + +span.dropcap { float: left; margin: 0 0.1em 0 0; line-height: 1 } +img.dropcap { float: left; margin: 0 0.5em 0 0; max-width: 25% } +span.dropspan { font-variant: small-caps } + +.no-page-break { page-break-before: avoid !important } + +/* PAGINATION */ + +@media screen { + .coverpage, .frontispiece, .titlepage, .verso, .dedication, .plainpage + { margin: 10% 0; } + + div.clearpage, div.cleardoublepage + { margin: 10% 0; border: none; border-top: 1px solid gray; } + + .vfill { margin: 5% 10% } +} + +@media print { + div.clearpage { page-break-before: always; padding-top: 10% } + div.cleardoublepage { page-break-before: right; padding-top: 10% } + + .vfill { margin-top: 20% } + h2.title { margin-top: 20% } +} + +</style> +<title>EVER HEARD THIS?</title> +<meta name="PG.Rights" content="Public Domain" /> +<meta name="PG.Title" content="Ever Heard This?" /> +<meta name="PG.Producer" content="Al Haines" /> +<link rel="coverpage" href="images/img-cover.jpg" /> +<meta name="DC.Creator" content="F. W. Chambers" /> +<meta name="DC.Created" content="1916" /> +<meta name="PG.Id" content="39202" /> +<meta name="PG.Released" content="2012-03-19" /> +<meta name="DC.Language" content="en" /> +<meta name="DC.Title" content="Ever Heard This? Over Three Hundred Good Stories" /> + +<link href="http://purl.org/dc/terms/" rel="schema.DCTERMS" /> +<link href="http://id.loc.gov/vocabulary/relators" rel="schema.MARCREL" /> +<meta content="Ever Heard This?" name="DCTERMS.title" /> +<meta content="ever.rst" name="DCTERMS.source" /> +<meta content="en" scheme="DCTERMS.RFC4646" name="DCTERMS.language" /> +<meta content="2012-03-19T17:05:47.686314+00:00" scheme="DCTERMS.W3CDTF" name="DCTERMS.modified" /> +<meta content="Project Gutenberg" name="DCTERMS.publisher" /> +<meta content="Public Domain in the USA." name="DCTERMS.rights" /> +<link href="http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/39202" rel="DCTERMS.isFormatOf" /> +<meta content="\F. \W. Chambers" name="DCTERMS.creator" /> +<meta content="2012-03-19" scheme="DCTERMS.W3CDTF" name="DCTERMS.created" /> +<meta content="width=device-width" name="viewport" /> +<meta content="EpubMaker 0.3 by Marcello Perathoner <webmaster@gutenberg.org>" name="generator" /> +<style type="text/css"> +.pageno { position: absolute; right: 95%; font: medium sans-serif; text-indent: 0 } +.pageno:after { color: gray; content: '[' attr(title) ']' } +.lineno { position: absolute; left: 95%; font: medium sans-serif; text-indent: 0 } +.lineno:after { color: gray; content: '[' attr(title) ']' } +.toc-pageref { float: right } +pre { font-family: monospace; font-size: 0.9em; white-space: pre-wrap } +</style> +</head> +<body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 39202 ***</div> +<div class="document" id="ever-heard-this"> +<h1 class="document-title level-1 pfirst title">EVER HEARD THIS?</h1> +<div class="noindent vspace" style="height: 4em"> +</div> +<p class="noindent pfirst" id="pg-produced-by"><span>Produced by Al Haines.</span></p> +<div class="noindent vspace" style="height: 1em"> +</div> +<p class="noindent pfirst"><span></span></p> +</div> +<!-- --> +<blockquote> +<div> +<div class="vspace" style="height: 3em"> +</div> +</div> +</blockquote> +<div class="align-center auto-scaled figure" style="width: 42%" id="figure-6"> +<img class="align-center" style="display: block; width: 100%" alt=" " src="images/img-cover.jpg" /> +<div class="caption"> +Cover art</div> +</div> +<div class="center line-block noindent outermost x-large"> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line">EVER HEARD THIS?</div> +</div> +<div class="center line-block medium noindent outermost"> +<div class="line">OVER THREE HUNDRED GOOD STORIES</div> +</div> +<div class="center line-block noindent outermost small"> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line">BY</div> +</div> +<div class="center line-block medium noindent outermost"> +<div class="line">F. W. CHAMBERS</div> +</div> +<div class="center line-block noindent outermost small"> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line">THIRD EDITION</div> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line"> </div> +</div> +<div class="center line-block medium noindent outermost"> +<div class="line">METHUEN & CO. LTD.</div> +<div class="line">36 ESSEX STREET W.C.</div> +<div class="line">LONDON</div> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line"> </div> +</div> +<div class="center line-block noindent outermost small"> +<div class="line">First Published ...... October 27th 1916</div> +<div class="line">Second Edition ...... November 1916</div> +<div class="line">Third Edition ...... December 1916</div> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line"> </div> +</div> +<hr class="docutils" /> +<div class="level-2 section" id="id1"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title">CONTENTS</h2> +<div class="container contents"> +<ul class="compact simple toc-list"> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#what-he-wanted" id="id7">WHAT HE WANTED</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#his-choice" id="id8">HIS CHOICE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#not-in-the-regulations" id="id9">NOT IN THE REGULATIONS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#cheap-talk" id="id10">CHEAP TALK</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#sweet-are-the-uses-of-advertisement" id="id11">SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-candid-critic" id="id12">A CANDID CRITIC</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#what-s-in-a-name" id="id13">WHAT'S IN A NAME</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#why-brown-left" id="id14">WHY BROWN LEFT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#an-ass-s-shadow" id="id15">AN ASS'S SHADOW</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#grace" id="id16">GRACE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#misunderstood" id="id17">MISUNDERSTOOD</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#trumps" id="id18">TRUMPS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-stutterer" id="id19">THE STUTTERER</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#present-and-future" id="id20">PRESENT AND FUTURE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-voice-of-ignorance" id="id21">THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-passover-story" id="id22">A PASSOVER STORY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#extraordinary-compromise" id="id23">EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#barber-shaved-by-a-lawyer" id="id24">BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-good-pun" id="id25">A GOOD PUN</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#something-like-an-insult" id="id26">SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-unwelcome-guest" id="id27">THE UNWELCOME GUEST</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-lost-balance" id="id28">A LOST BALANCE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-bad-crop" id="id29">A BAD CROP</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#negatives-and-positives" id="id30">NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#jaw-ache" id="id31">JAW-ACHE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#her-programme" id="id32">HER PROGRAMME</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-proud-father" id="id33">THE PROUD FATHER</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-miracle" id="id34">A MIRACLE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#keeping-time" id="id35">KEEPING TIME</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#question-and-answer" id="id36">QUESTION AND ANSWER</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#mother-s-jam-pots" id="id37">MOTHER'S JAM POTS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#wisdom" id="id38">WISDOM</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#why-not" id="id39">WHY NOT?</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-old-farmer" id="id40">THE OLD FARMER</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#any-change-for-the-better" id="id41">ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#tact" id="id42">TACT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-retort-rude" id="id43">THE RETORT RUDE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-quaker-and-his-horse" id="id44">THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#certainly-not-asleep" id="id45">CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-best-judge" id="id46">THE BEST JUDGE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-thirst-for-knowledge" id="id47">A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-shipwreck" id="id48">A SHIPWRECK</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-safe-case" id="id49">A SAFE CASE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-watch-mender" id="id50">THE WATCH MENDER</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-city-churches-and-others" id="id51">THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#high-principles" id="id52">HIGH PRINCIPLES</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-mixture-as-before" id="id53">THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#canny-scot" id="id54">CANNY SCOT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-nice-distinction" id="id55">A NICE DISTINCTION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#not-two-faced" id="id56">NOT TWO-FACED</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#clerical-wit" id="id57">CLERICAL WIT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-costly-experiment" id="id58">A COSTLY EXPERIMENT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-good-reason" id="id59">A GOOD REASON</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#economy-in-the-stable" id="id60">ECONOMY IN THE STABLE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-patriarch" id="id61">THE PATRIARCH</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#high-and-low" id="id62">HIGH AND LOW</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#beer" id="id63">BEER</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#not-importunate" id="id64">NOT IMPORTUNATE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-relationship-of-hog-to-bacon" id="id65">THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#union-is-strength" id="id66">UNION IS STRENGTH</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#courtship" id="id67">COURTSHIP</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#to-let" id="id68">TO LET</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#cut-and-come-again" id="id69">CUT AND COME AGAIN</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-thoughtful-patient" id="id70">THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#kismet" id="id71">KISMET</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-young-idea" id="id72">THE YOUNG IDEA</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-new-baby" id="id73">THE NEW BABY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#hook-and-an-inspector-of-taxes" id="id74">HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-she-bear" id="id75">THE SHE BEAR</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#knowledge" id="id76">KNOWLEDGE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-story-for-booksellers" id="id77">A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-early-bird" id="id78">THE EARLY BIRD</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#table-talk" id="id79">TABLE TALK</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#troubles" id="id80">TROUBLES</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-southerner-and-scotland" id="id81">A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#dry-humour" id="id82">DRY HUMOUR</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-church-organ" id="id83">THE CHURCH ORGAN</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#common-prayer" id="id84">COMMON PRAYER</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#short-commons" id="id85">SHORT COMMONS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#truth" id="id86">TRUTH</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-wrong-choice" id="id87">A WRONG CHOICE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#fish-as-a-brain-food" id="id88">FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-character" id="id89">A CHARACTER</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#husband-or-cow" id="id90">HUSBAND OR COW</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-new-method" id="id91">A NEW METHOD</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#gratitude-not-appreciated" id="id92">GRATITUDE NOT APPRECIATED</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#on-the-treasures-of-this-world" id="id93">ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#cold-feet" id="id94">COLD FEET</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#busybodies" id="id95">BUSYBODIES</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#aldermanic-tastes" id="id96">ALDERMANIC TASTES</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#warranted-to-kill" id="id97">"WARRANTED TO KILL"</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#professional" id="id98">PROFESSIONAL</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-new-version" id="id99">THE NEW VERSION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#draughts" id="id100">DRAUGHTS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#tenderness" id="id101">TENDERNESS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#how-to-address-a-bishop" id="id102">HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#hook-and-putney-bridge" id="id103">HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-good-example" id="id104">A GOOD EXAMPLE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-misfit" id="id105">A MISFIT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-cheerful-invitation" id="id106">A CHEERFUL INVITATION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-inevitable-result" id="id107">THE INEVITABLE RESULT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#justice" id="id108">JUSTICE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#that-awful-child" id="id109">THAT AWFUL CHILD</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-cosmopolitan" id="id110">A COSMOPOLITAN</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#clothes-and-the-man" id="id111">CLOTHES AND THE MAN</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-witty-reply" id="id112">A WITTY REPLY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-sound-of-a-trumpet" id="id113">THE SOUND OF A TRUMPET</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#grammar" id="id114">GRAMMAR</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#one-side-at-a-time" id="id115">ONE SIDE AT A TIME</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#company" id="id116">COMPANY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#her-own-fault" id="id117">HER OWN FAULT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-poser" id="id118">A POSER</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#youthful-precocity" id="id119">YOUTHFUL PRECOCITY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#above-proof" id="id120">ABOVE PROOF</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#on-death" id="id121">ON DEATH</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#envy" id="id122">ENVY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-hat-for-nothing" id="id123">A HAT FOR NOTHING</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#an-old-proverb" id="id124">AN OLD PROVERB</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#pro-bono-publico" id="id125">PRO BONO PUBLICO</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-new-recipe" id="id126">A NEW RECIPE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#not-a-waxwork" id="id127">NOT A WAXWORK</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#they-never-say-thank-you" id="id128">THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#tips" id="id129">TIPS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#id2" id="id130">JUSTICE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#dead-as-a-doornail" id="id131">DEAD AS A DOORNAIL</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#faith" id="id132">FAITH</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#job-s-curse" id="id133">JOB'S CURSE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-conjugal-conclusion" id="id134">A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-ruling-passion" id="id135">THE RULING PASSION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#felo-de-se" id="id136">FELO-DE-SE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#how-to-get-warm" id="id137">HOW TO GET WARM</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#no-matter-what-colour" id="id138">NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#of-compositions" id="id139">OF COMPOSITIONS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#peter-s-wife-s-mother" id="id140">PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-trials-of-the-deaf" id="id141">THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#anticipation" id="id142">ANTICIPATION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#hymns-and-hers" id="id143">HYMNS AND HERS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#hors-concours" id="id144">HORS CONCOURS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-marine-and-the-bottle" id="id145">THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-united-couple" id="id146">A UNITED COUPLE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#wet-paint" id="id147">WET PAINT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#tick-tick-tick" id="id148">TICK, TICK, TICK</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#diffidence" id="id149">DIFFIDENCE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-bailiff-outwitted" id="id150">THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#imagination" id="id151">IMAGINATION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#unremitting-kindness" id="id152">UNREMITTING KINDNESS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-warm-prospect" id="id153">A WARM PROSPECT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-soporific-story" id="id154">A SOPORIFIC STORY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#st-peter-and-his-keys" id="id155">ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-lost-joint" id="id156">THE LOST JOINT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-recruiting-sergeant-and-the-countryman" id="id157">THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#all-men-are-liars" id="id158">ALL MEN ARE LIARS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#an-object-lesson" id="id159">AN OBJECT LESSON</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-doubtful-compliment" id="id160">A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#somewhere" id="id161">"SOMEWHERE"</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-scotsman-and-the-joke" id="id162">THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#war-and-taxes" id="id163">WAR AND TAXES</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-modern-alfred" id="id164">A MODERN ALFRED</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#charity-on-credit" id="id165">CHARITY ON CREDIT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#courting-by-lamplight" id="id166">COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-inquisitive-onlooker" id="id167">THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-empty-bottle" id="id168">THE EMPTY BOTTLE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#h2o" id="id169">H2O</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#an-accident" id="id170">AN ACCIDENT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#touch-him-up" id="id171">TOUCH HIM UP</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-smart-boy" id="id172">A SMART BOY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#wearing-rouge" id="id173">WEARING ROUGE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-poor-landlord" id="id174">THE POOR LANDLORD</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-day-of-rest" id="id175">THE DAY OF REST</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#not-to-be-caught" id="id176">NOT TO BE CAUGHT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#molecules" id="id177">MOLECULES</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-thoughtless-samaritan" id="id178">A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#twins" id="id179">TWINS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-natural-objection" id="id180">A NATURAL OBJECTION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#badly-put" id="id181">BADLY PUT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-doubtful-market" id="id182">A DOUBTFUL MARKET</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#sequences" id="id183">SEQUENCES</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#two-points-of-view" id="id184">TWO POINTS OF VIEW</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-cannibal" id="id185">A CANNIBAL</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#to-let-unfurnished" id="id186">TO LET--UNFURNISHED</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-friend-of-satan" id="id187">A FRIEND OF SATAN</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-teddy-bear" id="id188">THE TEDDY BEAR</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#brotherly-love" id="id189">BROTHERLY LOVE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#christian-principles" id="id190">CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#multiplication" id="id191">MULTIPLICATION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-biblical-story" id="id192">A BIBLICAL STORY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-thoughtful-maid" id="id193">THE THOUGHTFUL MAID</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#hemp" id="id194">HEMP</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#good-advice" id="id195">GOOD ADVICE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#change-and-rest" id="id196">CHANGE AND REST</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-voluntary-system" id="id197">THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-way-to-york" id="id198">THE WAY TO YORK</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-way-to-do-it" id="id199">THE WAY TO DO IT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#lot-and-the-flea" id="id200">LOT AND THE FLEA</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#whist" id="id201">WHIST</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-new-prescription" id="id202">A NEW PRESCRIPTION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#jacob-s-ladder" id="id203">JACOB'S LADDER</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-portrait" id="id204">A PORTRAIT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#bloaters" id="id205">BLOATERS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-convenience" id="id206">A CONVENIENCE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-prayer-meeting" id="id207">THE PRAYER MEETING</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#taking-time" id="id208">TAKING TIME</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#king-s-evidence" id="id209">KING'S EVIDENCE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-pleasant-prospect" id="id210">A PLEASANT PROSPECT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#balaam-s-sword" id="id211">BALAAM'S SWORD</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-honorarium" id="id212">THE HONORARIUM</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#manners" id="id213">MANNERS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#scotch-understanding" id="id214">SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-average-egg" id="id215">THE AVERAGE EGG</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#feeling-in-the-right-place" id="id216">FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-g-o-m" id="id217">THE G.O.M.</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-neat-retort" id="id218">A NEAT RETORT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-sydney-smith-story" id="id219">A SYDNEY SMITH STORY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-common-difficulty" id="id220">A COMMON DIFFICULTY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#mary-jones" id="id221">MARY JONES</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#donald-complied" id="id222">DONALD COMPLIED</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#vegetarianism" id="id223">VEGETARIANISM</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#fellow-feeling" id="id224">FELLOW-FEELING</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#jonah-and-the-whale" id="id225">JONAH AND THE WHALE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#wholly-good" id="id226">WHOLLY GOOD</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#careful-now" id="id227">"CAREFUL, NOW!"</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#safety" id="id228">SAFETY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#o-brien-the-lucid" id="id229">O'BRIEN THE LUCID</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#mercy" id="id230">MERCY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-bull" id="id231">A BULL</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#id3" id="id232">A GOOD REASON</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-arrest" id="id233">THE ARREST</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#cherubim-and-seraphim" id="id234">CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#solitude" id="id235">SOLITUDE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-question-of-numbers" id="id236">A QUESTION OF NUMBERS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#american-poultry" id="id237">AMERICAN POULTRY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#grace-mal-a-propos" id="id238">GRACE MAL A PROPOS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-poor-idiot" id="id239">THE POOR IDIOT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-welsh-wig-ging" id="id240">A WELSH WIG-GING</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#forgiveness" id="id241">FORGIVENESS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#an-odd-comparison" id="id242">AN ODD COMPARISON</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#acoustics" id="id243">ACOUSTICS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#sharp-if-not-pleasant" id="id244">SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#bright-and-sharp" id="id245">BRIGHT AND SHARP</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#softness" id="id246">SOFTNESS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#an-easy-qualification" id="id247">AN EASY QUALIFICATION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#miser-s-charity" id="id248">MISER'S CHARITY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#on-taking-a-wife" id="id249">ON TAKING A WIFE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-thirty-nine-articles" id="id250">THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-duchess-and-the-canons" id="id251">THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#how-to-win" id="id252">HOW TO WIN</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#pigs" id="id253">PIGS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#bacon-and-the-devil" id="id254">BACON AND THE DEVIL</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#hints-to-mothers" id="id255">HINTS TO MOTHERS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#garrick-and-the-doctor-s-fee" id="id256">GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-safe-shot" id="id257">A SAFE SHOT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#how-to-induce-perspiration" id="id258">HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#differences" id="id259">DIFFERENCES</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#coals" id="id260">COALS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#modesty" id="id261">MODESTY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#an-unfortunate-remark" id="id262">AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#modern-education" id="id263">MODERN EDUCATION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#id4" id="id264">THE RULING PASSION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#education" id="id265">EDUCATION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-long-grace" id="id266">A LONG GRACE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-use-of-false-teeth" id="id267">THE USE OF FALSE TEETH</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#how-to-collect" id="id268">HOW TO COLLECT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#impersonation" id="id269">IMPERSONATION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-smart-retort" id="id270">A SMART RETORT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#truth-will-out" id="id271">TRUTH WILL OUT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#sunday-afternoon-services" id="id272">SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-new-dish" id="id273">A NEW DISH</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#full-of-pluck" id="id274">FULL OF PLUCK</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#candid-on-both-sides" id="id275">CANDID ON BOTH SIDES</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-law-and-the-prophets" id="id276">THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-isle-of-man-and-a-woman" id="id277">THE ISLE OF MAN, AND A WOMAN</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-cunning-elder" id="id278">A CUNNING ELDER</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#as-you-like-it" id="id279">AS YOU LIKE IT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#unnecessary-civility" id="id280">UNNECESSARY CIVILITY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#at-the-sign-of-the-barber-s-pole" id="id281">AT THE SIGN OF THE BARBER'S POLE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#an-identification-plate" id="id282">AN IDENTIFICATION PLATE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#table-of-comparison" id="id283">TABLE OF COMPARISON</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-intelligent-cat" id="id284">THE INTELLIGENT CAT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#hear-hear" id="id285">HEAR! HEAR!</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#misplacing-the-blame" id="id286">MISPLACING THE BLAME</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#why-hanging-causes-death" id="id287">WHY HANGING CAUSES DEATH</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#moral-qualifications" id="id288">MORAL QUALIFICATIONS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#measuring-his-distance" id="id289">MEASURING HIS DISTANCE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#agricultural-experiences" id="id290">AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-latin-for-cold" id="id291">THE LATIN FOR COLD</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-cut-direct" id="id292">THE CUT DIRECT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#common-want" id="id293">COMMON WANT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#not-to-be-beaten" id="id294">NOT TO BE BEATEN</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#an-odd-notion" id="id295">AN ODD NOTION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#if" id="id296">"IF----"</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#late-and-early" id="id297">LATE AND EARLY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-slight-difference" id="id298">A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#sharp-boy" id="id299">SHARP BOY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-sentry-and-his-watch" id="id300">THE SENTRY AND HIS WATCH</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#credit" id="id301">CREDIT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#unkind" id="id302">UNKIND</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#not-compulsory" id="id303">NOT COMPULSORY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#you-ll-get-there-before-i-can-tell-you" id="id304">"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU!"</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#an-unhappy-benedict" id="id305">AN UNHAPPY BENEDICT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-difficult-task" id="id306">A DIFFICULT TASK</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#non-runners" id="id307">NON-RUNNERS</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-polite-countryman" id="id308">THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-violent-partner" id="id309">A VIOLENT PARTNER</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#id5" id="id310">WISDOM</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-doubtful-point" id="id311">A DOUBTFUL POINT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-better-way" id="id312">THE BETTER WAY</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#id6" id="id313">A GOOD REASON</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-new-text" id="id314">A NEW TEXT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#an-auction" id="id315">AN AUCTION</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#a-real-sport" id="id316">A REAL SPORT</a></p> +</li> +<li class="level-2 toc-entry"><p class="first pfirst"><a class="reference internal" href="#the-scotchman-s-souvenir" id="id317">THE SCOTCHMAN'S SOUVENIR</a></p> +</li> +</ul> +</div> +</div> +<hr class="docutils" /> +<div class="center line-block noindent outermost x-large"> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line">EVER HEARD THIS?</div> +<div class="line"> </div> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="what-he-wanted"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id7">WHAT HE WANTED</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A lover and his lass sought a secluded lane, +but to their disgust a small boy arrived there +too. Said the lover:</p> +<p class="pnext">"Here's a penny. Go and get some sweets."</p> +<p class="pnext">"I don't want any sweets."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Well, here's a shilling. Run away."</p> +<p class="pnext">"I don't want a shilling."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Then here's half a crown."</p> +<p class="pnext">"I don't want half a crown."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Well, what do you want?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"I want to watch."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="his-choice"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id8">HIS CHOICE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A little boy, who had had some insight into +the disposal of surplus kittens, on being shown +his mother's newly arrived twins, laid his +finger on that which struck his fancy, and +said, "That's the one I'll have kept."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="not-in-the-regulations"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id9">NOT IN THE REGULATIONS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A raw Highlander from a northern depot +was put on guard at the C.O.'s tent. In the +morning the Colonel looked out, and though +he prided himself on knowing all his men the +sentry's face was unfamiliar.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Who are you?" he asked.</p> +<p class="pnext">"A'am fine, thank ye," was the reply, "an' +hoo's yerself?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="cheap-talk"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id10">CHEAP TALK</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Jones was proud of his virtues. "Gentlemen, +for twenty years I haven't touched whisky, +cards, told a lie, done an unkind deed, or +smoked, or sworn," he said.</p> +<p class="pnext">"By Jove! I wish I could say that," Brown +exclaimed enviously.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Well, why don't you?" said a mutual +friend. "Jones did."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="sweet-are-the-uses-of-advertisement"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id11">SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A Scot and a minister were in a train +together travelling through a lovely part of +Scotland.</p> +<p class="pnext">Beautiful scenery--mountains, dales, rivers, +and all the glories of Nature. When passing +a grand mountain they saw a huge advertisement +for So-and-So's whisky.</p> +<p class="pnext">The Scot gave a snort of disgust. The +minister leant forward and said, "I'm glad +to see, sir, that you agree with me, that they +should not be allowed to desecrate the beauties +of Nature by advertisement."</p> +<p class="pnext">"It's no' that, sir," said the Scot bitterly, +"it's rotten whusky."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-candid-critic"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id12">A CANDID CRITIC</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Bishop Blomfield, having forgotten his +written sermon, once preached <em class="italics">ex tempore</em>, for +the first and only time in his life, choosing as +his text "The fool hath said in his heart, +There is no God." On his way home he asked +one of his congregation how he liked the +discourse. "Well, Mr. Blomfield," replied +the man, "I liked the sermon well enough, +but I can't say I agree with you; I think +there be a God!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="what-s-in-a-name"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id13">WHAT'S IN A NAME</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A lawyer who was sometimes forgetful, +having been engaged to plead the cause of +an offender, began by saying: "I know the +prisoner at the bar, and he bears the character +of being a most consummate and impudent +scoundrel." Here somebody whispered to him +that the prisoner was his client, when he +immediately continued: "But what great and +good man ever lived who was not calumniated +by many of his contemporaries?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="why-brown-left"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id14">WHY BROWN LEFT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Mr. Brown expressed to his landlady his +pleasure in seeing her place a plate of scraps +before the cat. "Oh, yes, sir," she replied. +"Wot I says, Mr. Brown, is, be kind to the +cats, and yer'll find it saves yer 'arf the +washin'-up."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="an-ass-s-shadow"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id15">AN ASS'S SHADOW</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, +and told him, with a very long face, that he +had seen a ghost. "When and where?" +said the pastor. "Last night," replied the +timid man, "I was passing by the church, and +up against the wall of it, did I behold the +spectre." "In what shape did it appear?" +replied the priest. "It appeared in the shape +of a great ass." "Go home and say not a word +about it," rejoined the pastor; "you are a +very timid man, and have been frightened by +your own shadow."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="grace"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id16">GRACE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A precocious child found the long graces +used by his father before and after meals very +tedious. One day, when the week's provisions +had been delivered, he said, "I think, father, +if you were to say grace over the whole lot at +once, it would be a great saving of time."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="misunderstood"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id17">MISUNDERSTOOD</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster +was thus accosted by his landlord: "John, I +am going to raise your rent." John replied, +"Sir, I am very much obliged to you, for I +cannot raise it myself."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="trumps"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id18">TRUMPS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Ayrton, Charles Lamb's friend, only made +one joke in his life; it was this. Lamb had +his usual Wednesday-evening gathering, and +Martin Burney and the rest were playing at +whist. Ayrton contented himself with looking +on. Presently he said to Burney, in an undertone, +the latter not being notorious for his love +of soap and water, "Ah! Martin, if dirt were +trumps, what hands you'd hold!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-stutterer"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id19">THE STUTTERER</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An old woman received a letter from the +post-office at New York. Not knowing how to +read and being anxious to know the contents, +supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, +she called on a person near to read it to her. +He accordingly began and read: "Charleston, +June 23rd. Dear Mother"--then making a +stop to find out what followed (as the writing +was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed: "Oh, +'tis my poor Jerry, he always stuttered!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="present-and-future"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id20">PRESENT AND FUTURE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A rude young fellow seeing an aged hermit +going by him barefoot said, "Father, you are +in a miserable condition if there is not another +world." "True, son," said the hermit, "but +what is thy condition if there is?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-voice-of-ignorance"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id21">THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A London girl visited the country on May +Day. She came to a pond whose shallows +were full of tadpoles--thousands and +thousands of little black tadpoles flopping about +in an inch of mud and water. "Oh," she said, +"look at the tadpoles! And to think that +some day every one of the horrid, wriggling +things will be a beautiful butterfly!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-passover-story"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id22">A PASSOVER STORY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A member of an impecunious family having +hurried off to the Continent to avoid the +importunities of his creditors, a celebrated +wit remarked, "It is a pass-over that will +not be much relished by the Jews."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="extraordinary-compromise"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id23">EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">At Durham assizes a deaf old lady, who had +brought an action for damages against a +neighbour, was being examined, when the +judge suggested a compromise, and instructed +counsel to ask what she would take to settle +the matter. "His lordship wants to know +what you will take?" asked the learned +counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in +the old lady's car. "I thank his lordship +kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and +if it's no illconwenience to him, I'll take a +little warm ale!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="barber-shaved-by-a-lawyer"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id24">BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Sir," said a barber to an attorney who was +passing his door, "will you tell me if this +is a good half-sovereign?" The lawyer, +pronouncing the piece good, deposited it in +his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If you'll send +your lad to my office, I'll return the three and +fourpence."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-good-pun"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id25">A GOOD PUN</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Sir G. Rose, the great punster, on observing +someone imitating his gait, said, "You have +the stalk without the rose."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="something-like-an-insult"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id26">SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The late Judge C---- one day had occasion +to examine a witness who stuttered very much +in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said +his Lordship, "you are a very great rogue." +"Not so great a rogue as you, my lord, +t-t-t-takes me to be."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-unwelcome-guest"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id27">THE UNWELCOME GUEST</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A man who was fond of visiting his friends +and outstaying his welcome had been cordially +received by a Quaker who treated him with +attention and politeness for some days. At +last his host said, "My friend, I am afraid thee +wilt never visit me again." "Oh, yes, I shall," +he replied. "I have enjoyed my visit very +much; I will certainly come again." "Nay," +said the Quaker, "I think thee wilt not visit +me again." "What makes you think I shall +not come again?" asked the visitor. "If +thee does never leave," said the Quaker, "how +canst thee come again?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-lost-balance"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id28">A LOST BALANCE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A celebrated wit coming from a bank which +had been obliged to close its doors, slipped +down the steps into the arms of a friend.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Why, what's the matter?" said the latter.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Oh," was the quick reply, "I've only lost +my balance."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-bad-crop"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id29">A BAD CROP</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">After a long drought, there fell a torrent of +rain: and a country gentleman observed to +Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful +rain; I hope it will bring up everything out +of the ground." "By Jove, sir," said Sir John, +"I hope not; for I have buried three wives."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="negatives-and-positives"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id30">NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Mr. Pitt was discoursing at a Cabinet dinner +on the energy and beauty of the Latin language. +In support of the superiority which he affirmed +it to have over the English, he asserted that +two negatives made a thing more positive +than one affirmative possibly could. "Then," +said Thurlow, "your father and mother must +have been two complete negatives to make such +a positive fellow as you are!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="jaw-ache"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id31">JAW-ACHE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Why, you have never opened your mouth +this session," said Sir Thomas Lethbridge to +Mr. Gye; replied Mr. Gye, "Your speeches +have made me open it very frequently. My +jaws have ached with yawning."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="her-programme"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id32">HER PROGRAMME</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Jane had asked for an evening off to go +to her first dance. Returning at a very early +hour, she was asked by her master whether +she had enjoyed herself. "No, indeed, sir," +she replied, "I was most insulted." "How +was that, Jane?" "I 'adn't been there very +long, sir, when a young man comes up and +hactually hasks whether my programme was +full. And I'd only 'ad two sandwiches."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-proud-father"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id33">THE PROUD FATHER</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Shure an' it's married Oi am!" said Pat +to an old friend he had not seen for a long +time. "You don't mane it?" "Faith, an' +it's true. An' Oi've got a fine healthy bhoy, +an' the neighbours say he's the very picture +of me." "Och, niver moind what they say," +said Mick. "What's the harm so long as the +child is healthy."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-miracle"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id34">A MIRACLE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An Irish parson of the old school, in whom a +perception of the ridiculous was developed +with a Rabelaisian breadth of appreciation, +was asked by a clodhopper to explain the +meaning of a miracle. "Walk on a few paces +before me," said his reverence, which having +done the peasant was surprised to feel in the +rear a kick, administered with decided energy. +"What did you do that for?" demanded the +young man angrily. "Simply to illustrate +my meaning," replied the cleric blandly; "if +you had not felt it, it would have been a +miracle."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="keeping-time"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id35">KEEPING TIME</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A gentleman at a musical party asked a +friend, in a whisper, how he should stir the +fire without interrupting the music. +"Between the bars," replied the friend.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="question-and-answer"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id36">QUESTION AND ANSWER</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A Quaker was examined before the Board +of Excise, respecting certain duties; the +commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully +treated by his theeing and thouing, +one of them with a stern countenance asked +him--"Pray, sir, do you know what we sit +here for?"--"Yea," replied Nathan, "I do; +some of thee for a thousand, and others for +seventeen hundred and fifty pounds a year."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="mother-s-jam-pots"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id37">MOTHER'S JAM POTS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Willy, why were you not at school +yesterday?" asked the teacher.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Please, mum," answered the absentee, +"Muvver made marmalade yesterday and +she sent me to the cemetery."</p> +<p class="pnext">"What on earth for?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"To collect some jam pots, mum."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="wisdom"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id38">WISDOM</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A country clergyman, meeting a neighbour, +who never came to church, although an old +fellow above sixty, reproved him on that +account, and asked if he ever read at home? +"No," replied the man, "I can't read." "I +dare say," said the clergyman, "you don't +know who made you." "Not I, in troth," +said the countryman. A little boy coming +by at the time, "Who made you, child?" said +the parson. "God, sir," answered the boy. +"Why, look you there," quoth the honest +parson. "Are you not ashamed to hear a +child of five or six years old tell me who made +him, when you, that are so old a man, cannot?" +"Ah!" said the countryman. "It is no wonder +that he should remember; he was made but +t'other day, it is a great while, master, sin' I +was made."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="why-not"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id39">WHY NOT?</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Jimmy giggled when the teacher read the +story of the man who swam across the Tiber +three times before breakfast.</p> +<p class="pnext">"You do not doubt that a trained swimmer +could do that, do you?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"No, sir," answered Jimmy, "but I wonder +why he did not make it four and get back to +the side where his clothes were."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-old-farmer"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id40">THE OLD FARMER</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An old farmer lay so dangerously ill that +the doctor gave no hope of recovery.</p> +<p class="pnext">Whilst lying in an apparently semi-conscious +state, he suddenly opened his eyes, and +said to his wife, who was watching by his +bedside: "Mary, that's a nice smell, it's just +like a ham cooking. I almost think I could +eat a little, if it is cooked."</p> +<p class="pnext">The reply was, "Thee get on with the +dying, that ham is for the funeral."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="any-change-for-the-better"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id41">ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">In the course of the play one of the characters +had to say to a very plain actor, "My lord, +you change countenance"; whereupon a +young fellow in the pit cried, "For heaven's +sake, let him!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="tact"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id42">TACT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Little Jimmy had been sent early to bed, +but he could not sleep. Presently he called +out to his mother in plaintive tones, "Mummy, +bring me a glass of water, I'm so thirsty." No +reply being vouchsafed him, he repeated +his request after a short interval. And this +time received an abrupt answer, "If you don't +be quiet I'll come up to slap you." Suddenly +a thought struck him and still in plaintive +voice he cried, "Mummy, when you come to +slap me, bring me a glass of water."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-retort-rude"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id43">THE RETORT RUDE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A young dude (with a monocle) and very +irregular features while travelling by train was +at first much amused by the grimaces of a boy +who was sitting facing him. The boy, +however, was obviously laughing at him so the dude +asked him if he could share the joke.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Joke!" said the boy, "it's your face I'm +laughing at."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Well, I can't help my face, can I?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"No," replied the boy, leaving the train, +"but you <em class="italics">could</em> stay at home."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-quaker-and-his-horse"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id44">THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A man once went to purchase a horse of a +Quaker. "Will he draw well?" asked the +buyer. "Thee wilt be pleased to see him +draw." The bargain was concluded, and the +farmer tried the horse, but he would not stir +a step. He returned and said, "That horse +will not draw an inch." "I did not tell thee +that it would draw, friend, I only remarked +that it would please thee to see him draw, so +it would me, but he would never gratify me +in that respect."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="certainly-not-asleep"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id45">CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A country schoolmaster had two pupils, to +one of whom he was partial, and to the other +severe. One morning it happened that these +two boys were late, and were called up to +account for it. "You must have heard +the bell, boys; why did you not come?" +"Please, sir," said the favourite, "I was +dreaming that I was going to Margate, and +I thought the school-bell was the +steamboat-bell." "Very well," said the master, glad +of any pretext to excuse his favourite. "And +now, sir," turning to the other, "what +have you to say?" "Please, sir," said +the puzzled boy, "I--I--was waiting to see +Tom off!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-best-judge"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id46">THE BEST JUDGE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A lady said to her husband, in a friend's +presence:</p> +<p class="pnext">"My dear, you certainly want a pair of new +trousers." "No, I think not," replied the +husband.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Well," interposed the friend, "I think +the lady who always wears them, ought to +know."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-thirst-for-knowledge"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id47">A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Young man," said an inquisitive old lady, +to a tram conductor, "if I put my foot on +that rail shall I receive an electric shock?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"No, mum," he replied, "unless you place +your other foot on the overhead wire."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-shipwreck"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id48">A SHIPWRECK</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An Irish fisherman passed himself off to the +captain of a ship near the coast of Ireland +as a qualified pilot. He knew nothing of the +coast. "This is a very dangerous shore here," +said the captain to him, when he was on +board. "Yes, it is, your honour," replied +the fellow. "There are a great many +dangerous rocks about here, I believe," observed the +captain. "Yes, there are, and," a dreadful +crash coming, "<em class="italics">this is one of them,</em>" coolly +returned the fisherman.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-safe-case"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id49">A SAFE CASE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A briefless barrister was spending his time +at the Courts when his clerk came to him with +the news that a man was at his chambers +with a brief. The barrister immediately +hurried from the Courts for fear the client +should escape him. "Stop, sir, stop," cried +his clerk. "You needn't hurry, sir, I've locked +him in."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-watch-mender"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id50">THE WATCH MENDER</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A private in a company of engineers +gained a certain reputation for mending his +comrades' watches. His reputation reached +his captain's ears, who one day said to him, +"Jones, I hear you are clever at watch-mending, +here take this one of mine and see what +you can make of it." Some few days after, +Jones took back the watch. "Well, Jones, +how much do I owe you?" "Three shillings," +was the reply. "Well, here you are, and +thank you," said the captain. "Oh! I +forgot," said Jones, "here are three wheels +which I had over."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-city-churches-and-others"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id51">THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Do people ever take advantage of the +invitation to use this church for meditation +and prayer?" a City verger was once asked. +"Yes," he replied, "I catched two of 'em at +it the other day!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="high-principles"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id52">HIGH PRINCIPLES</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A Methodist who kept a grocer's shop was +heard one day to say to his assistant, "John, +have you watered the rum?" "Yes." "Have +you sanded the brown sugar?" "Yes." +"Have you damped the tobacco?" "Yes." "Then +come in to prayers."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-mixture-as-before"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id53">THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A gentleman who had an Irish servant, +having stopped at an inn for several days, +desired to have the bill. Finding a large +quantity of port placed to his servant's account +he questioned him about it. "Please your +honour," cried Pat, "do read how many they +charge for." "One bottle port, one ditto, +one ditto, one ditto." "Stop, stop, stop, +master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are cheating +you. I know I had some bottles of port, +but I did not taste a drop of their ditto."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="canny-scot"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id54">CANNY SCOT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Robbie met a neighbour smoking some fine +tobacco sent by his son in America. He took +out his own pipe ostentatiously. "Hae ye a +match, Sandy?" he queried. The match was +forthcoming, but nothing more. "I do +believe," said Robbie, "I hae left ma tobacco +at hame." "Then," said Sandy, after a +silence, "ye micht gie me back ma match."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-nice-distinction"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id55">A NICE DISTINCTION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst"><em class="italics">The Vicar</em> (discussing the Daylight Saving +Bill): "But why have you put the small clock +on and not the big one?" <em class="italics">Old Man</em>: "Well, +it's like this, sir; grandfeyther's clock 'ave +been tellin' th' truth for ninety year, and I +can't find it i' my heart to make a <em class="italics">liar</em> o' he +now; but li'le clock, 'e be a German make, so +it be all right for 'e."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="not-two-faced"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id56">NOT TWO-FACED</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Well, you're not two-faced anyway," said +one man who had been quarrelling with +another: "I'll say that for you."</p> +<p class="pnext">"That's a very handsome acknowledgment," +said the other, mollified.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Because if you were," the first one +continued, "you wouldn't be seen with that one."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="clerical-wit"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id57">CLERICAL WIT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An old gentleman of eighty-four having +taken to the altar a young damsel of about +sixteen, the clergyman said to him--"The +font is at the other end of the church." "What +do I want with the font?" said the +old gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," +said the clerical wit, "I thought you had +brought this child to be christened."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-costly-experiment"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id58">A COSTLY EXPERIMENT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An Irishman was once brought up before a +magistrate, charged with marrying six wives. +The magistrate asked him how he could be so +hardened a villain? "Please, your worship," +says Paddy, "I was just trying to get a good one."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-good-reason"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id59">A GOOD REASON</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A certain minister going to visit one of his +sick parishioners, asked him how he had rested +during the night. "Oh, wondrous ill, sir," +replied he, "my eyes have not come together +these three nights." "What is the reason of +that?" said the other. "Alas! sir," says he, +"because my nose was between them."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="economy-in-the-stable"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id60">ECONOMY IN THE STABLE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Jones, who was a student of economy, +lamented the death of his horse. His friend +sympathised and enquired the cause. "He +was a wonderful horse, and if he had lived +another day he would have proved a theory +I have been pursuing." "How is that?" "Well, +you see," replied Jones, "I reckon +that it's all nonsense about having to spend +so much on a horse's keep. I started this one +with the ordinary feed, but gradually reduced +the quantity." "And what did he have +yesterday?" "Well, I'd got him down to one oat."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-patriarch"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id61">THE PATRIARCH</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Three young fellows were strolling along a +country lane, and saw approaching them a +very patriarchal-looking old man. Thinking +to take a rise out of him, they accosted him +thus: "Hail, Father Abraham, Father Isaac, +or Father Jacob." "Nay, my sons," the old +man replied, "I am none of these, but rather +Saul seeking his father's asses, and lo! here +have I found them."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="high-and-low"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id62">HIGH AND LOW</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"I expect six clergymen to dine with me +on Sunday next," said a gentleman to his +butler. "Very good, sir," said the butler. +"Are they High Church or Low Church, sir?" "What +on earth can that signify to you?" +asked the astonished master. "Everything, +sir," was the reply. "If they are High Church, +they'll drink; if they are Low Church, they'll eat!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="beer"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id63">BEER</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A gentleman, calling for small beer at +another gentleman's table, finding it very +hard, gave it to the servant again without +drinking. "What!" said the master of the +house, "don't you like the beer?" "It is not +to be found fault with," answered the other, +"for one should never speak ill of the dead."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="not-importunate"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id64">NOT IMPORTUNATE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A lady having invited a gentleman to +dinner on a particular day, he had accepted, +with the reservation, "If I am spared." +"Weel, weel," replied she, "if ye're dead, +I'll no' expect ye."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-relationship-of-hog-to-bacon"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id65">THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A story of a Tudor judge is told of Sir +Nicholas Bacon, who in the time of Elizabeth +was importuned by a criminal to spare his life +on account of kinship.</p> +<p class="pnext">"How so?" demanded the judge.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Because my name is Hog and yours is +Bacon; and hog and bacon are so near akin +that they cannot be separated."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Ay," responded the judge dryly, "but +you and I cannot yet be kindred--for the hog +is not bacon until it be well hanged."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="union-is-strength"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id66">UNION IS STRENGTH</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A country traveller was asked by the +landlord of the inn at which he had put up how he +had slept. "Well," he replied, "union is +strength--a fact of which your inmates seem +to be unaware; for had the fleas been +unanimous last night they might have pushed +me out of bed." "Fleas!" said the landlord, +in astonishment, "I was not aware that I had +a single one in the house." "I don't believe +you have," retorted the traveller, "they are +all married and have uncommonly large +families."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="courtship"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id67">COURTSHIP</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Martha, dost thou love me?" asked a +Quaker youth of one at whose shrine his +heart's holiest feelings had been offered +up. "Why, Seth," she answered, "we are +commanded to love one another, are we not?" "Ay, +Martha, but dost thee regard me with +the feeling the world calls love?" "I hardly +know what to tell thee, Seth, I have greatly +feared that my heart was an erring one. I +have tried to bestow my love on all, but I have +sometimes thought, perhaps, that thee was +getting rather more than thy share."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="to-let"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id68">TO LET</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A gentleman, inspecting lodgings to be let, +asked the pretty girl, who showed them, +"And are you, my dear, to be let with the +lodgings?" "No," answered she, "I am to +be let alone."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="cut-and-come-again"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id69">CUT AND COME AGAIN</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A gentleman who was on a tour, attended +by an Irish servant-man, who drove the +vehicle, was several times puzzled with the +appearance of a charge in the man's daily +account, entered as "Refreshment for the +horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about +it. "Och! sure," said he, "it's whipcord it is!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-thoughtful-patient"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id70">THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A Scotch minister was once sent for to visit +a sick man. On arriving at the house he +enquired:</p> +<p class="pnext">"What church do you attend?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"Barry kirk," replied the invalid.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Why, then, did you not send for your own +minister?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"Na, na," replied the sick man, "we would +not risk him. Do you no' ken it's a dangerous +case of typhoid?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="kismet"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id71">KISMET</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A lady who had named her house Kismet +engaged an Irish servant. Bridget desiring to +know the meaning of Kismet was told it +signified "Fate." Shortly after, Bridget was +painfully and laboriously descending the stairs. +"What is the matter?" asked her mistress. +"I've got fearful corns on my Kismet," was the reply.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-young-idea"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id72">THE YOUNG IDEA</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A small boy, asked to name the four +seasons, replied: "Pepper, salt, mustard, and +vinegar." Another, asked for the principal +gases, said: "Oxygen and Cambridgen."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-new-baby"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id73">THE NEW BABY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Jack was rather put out on the arrival of a +new little brother. "But, Mummy, he has no +hair." "No, Jack, he has no hair." "Mummy, +he has no teeth." "Oh, no, Jack, no teeth +now." "Oh, Mummy, dear, you've been had; +they have given you an old 'un."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="hook-and-an-inspector-of-taxes"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id74">HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">One of the best remembered of Hook's +efforts in extemporising is that recorded of +his improvising at a party when Mr. Winter +was announced, a well-known inspector of +taxes. Without a moment's break in his +performance Hook went on:--</p> +<blockquote> +<div> +<p class="pfirst">"Here comes Mr. Winter, inspector of taxes, +I'd advise you to give him whatever he axes, +I'd advise ye to give him without any flummery-- +For though his name's Winter his actions are summary."</p> +</div> +</blockquote> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-she-bear"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id75">THE SHE BEAR</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A thoughtful child said to her mother on the +way to church: "Mummy, dear! Shall we +have that hymn to-day about the she bear?" +"I don't remember any hymn about a she +bear, darling," replied the perplexed mother. +"Whatever do you mean, child?" "I mean +the hymn that goes, 'Can a mother's tender +care, Cease towards the child she bear?'"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="knowledge"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id76">KNOWLEDGE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A girl of tender age was a witness at a trial.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Do you know what an oath is, my child?" +asked the judge.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Yes, sir, I am obliged to tell the truth."</p> +<p class="pnext">"And what will happen if you tell lies?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"I shall go to the naughty place," replied +the child.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Are you sure of that?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"Yes, sir, quite sure."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Let her be sworn," said the judge; "it is +clear she knows a great deal more than I do."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-story-for-booksellers"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id77">A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Calling one day at Saunders and Otley's +library, a subscriber was very angry because +certain books that he had ordered had not +been sent. He was so heated in his indignation +that one of the partners could stand it no +longer, and told him so.</p> +<p class="pnext">"I don't know who you are," was the +customer's retort, "and I don't want to +annoy you <em class="italics">personally</em>, as you may not be the +one in fault; it's your confounded house I +blame. You may be Otley, or you may be +Saunders; if you are Saunders, damn Otley! if +you are Otley, damn Saunders! I mean +nothing personal to <em class="italics">you</em>."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-early-bird"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id78">THE EARLY BIRD</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A father chiding his son for not getting up +early, told him as an inducement, that a +certain man being up in good time, found a +purse containing money. "That may be," +replied the son, "but he that lost it was up +before him."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="table-talk"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id79">TABLE TALK</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An ingenious gentleman had been showing +at a dinner-table how he could cut a pig out +of orange peel. A guest who was present +tried again and again to do the same, but +after strewing the table with the peel of a +dozen oranges exclaimed, "Hang the pig! +I can't make him." "Why no," said the +performer, "you have done more--instead of +one pig you have made a litter."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="troubles"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id80">TROUBLES</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"I'm sorry to see you giving way to drink +like this, Pat," said the village priest, "you +that were always such a respectable boy, too." +"Shure, an' Oi'm obleeged to do it, your +'anner," replied Pat. "Oi have to dhrink to +droun me trubles." "H'm," said his +interrogator, "and do you succeed in drowning +them?" "No, begorra," cried Pat, "shure +an' that's the warst uv it. The divvles can shwim!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-southerner-and-scotland"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id81">A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A Southerner with no love for Scotland +returned from his first trip to the North, and +was asked by a Scot if he had not acquired +a better opinion of Scotland. What did he +now think of it? "That it is a very vile +country to be sure," answered the traveller. +"Well, sir!" retorted the nettled Scot, "God +made it!" "Certainly he did!" came the +instant acknowledgment; "but we must +always remember that He made it for Scotsmen."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="dry-humour"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id82">DRY HUMOUR</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman +many miles during torrents of rain, was +asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I +wouldn't care about being very wet, if I +wasn't so very dry, your honour."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-church-organ"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id83">THE CHURCH ORGAN</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Friend Maltby, I am pleased that thou +hast got such a fine organ in thy church." +"But," said the clergyman, "I thought you +were strongly opposed to having an organ in a +church?" "So I am," said Friend Obadiah, +"but then if thou wilt worship the Lord by +machinery, I would like thee to have a +first-rate instrument."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="common-prayer"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id84">COMMON PRAYER</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A little boy had been brought up with much +care. On his eighth birthday he was given a +nicely bound Prayer Book by his aunt. After +a brief examination he pushed the book on +one side disappointedly. On being asked the +reason he said, "I don't like anything 'Common.'"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="short-commons"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id85">SHORT COMMONS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">At a shop-window in the Strand there +appeared the following notice: "Wanted, +two apprentices, who will be treated as one +of the family."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="truth"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id86">TRUTH</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"My lord," said a witness, "you may +believe me or not, but I have stated not a +word that is false, for I have been wedded to +truth from infancy."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Yes, sir," replied the Judge drily, "but +the question is, how long have you been a +widower."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-wrong-choice"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id87">A WRONG CHOICE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"I can't stand the missus, sir," said a +servant in a complaining voice to her master.</p> +<p class="pnext">"It's a pity, Mary," said the master +sarcastically, "that I couldn't have selected +a wife to suit you."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Sure, sir," replied Mary, "we all make mistakes."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="fish-as-a-brain-food"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id88">FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A visitor at a Devonshire fishing village +asked the parson what was the principal diet +of the villagers. "Fish mostly," said the +Vicar. "But I thought fish was a brain food, +and these are the most unintelligent folk I +ever saw," remarked the tourist. "Well," +replied the parson, "just think what they +would look like if they didn't eat fish!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-character"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id89">A CHARACTER</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A gentleman lately dismissed a clever but +dishonest gardener. For the sake of his wife +and family he gave him a character, and this +is how he worded it: "I hereby certify that +A. Brown has been my gardener for over two +years, and that during that time he got more +out of my garden than any man I ever employed."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="husband-or-cow"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id90">HUSBAND OR COW</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The wife of a small farmer in Perthshire +went to a chemist with two prescriptions--one +for her husband, and the other for her cow. +Finding she had not money to pay for both, +the chemist asked her which she would take. +"Gie me that for the coo," said the wife; +"if my man were to dee, I could sune get +another; but I am not sae sure if I would +sune get another coo."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-new-method"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id91">A NEW METHOD</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">It was baking day and mother was very +busy with other duties also. "May," she +cried, "see if the cake is done. Put a knife +in it and if it comes out clean you'll know that +it is finished." "Yes," added father, "and +if it comes out clean stick the others in too."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="gratitude-not-appreciated"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id92">GRATITUDE NOT APPRECIATED</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"You have saved my life," said the old +man whom the young hero had just pulled +out of the river. "As a reward you may +marry my daughter there." The hero glanced +at the daughter, then grasped the old man. +"What are you doing?" asked the perplexed +father. "Going to drop you in again," he replied.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="on-the-treasures-of-this-world"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id93">ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A merchant dying greatly in debt, it coming +to his creditors' ears, "Farewell," said one, +"there is so much of mine gone with him." +"And he carried so much of mine," said +another. One hearing them make their +several complaints said, "Well, I see now, that +though a man can carry nothing of his own +out of the world, yet he may carry a great +deal of other men's."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="cold-feet"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id94">COLD FEET</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Do you suffer from cold feet?" the +doctor asked the young wife.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Yes," she replied.</p> +<p class="pnext">He promised to send her some medicine to take.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Oh," she said nervously. "They're--not--not mine."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="busybodies"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id95">BUSYBODIES</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A master of a ship called out, "Who is +below?" A boy answered, "Will, sir." +"What are you doing?" "Nothing, sir." +"Is Tom there?" "Yes," said Tom. +"What are you doing?" "Helping Will, sir."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="aldermanic-tastes"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id96">ALDERMANIC TASTES</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst"><em class="italics">Freddy</em>: "Papa, may I study elocution?"</p> +<p class="pnext"><em class="italics">Proud Father</em>: "Indeed you may, my boy, +if you wish. You desire to become a great +orator, do you?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"Yes, that's it."</p> +<p class="pnext">"And some day perhaps have your voice +ringing in the vaulted chamber of the first +legislative assembly in the world?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"I shouldn't care for that. I want to be +an after-dinner speaker."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Ah, you are ambitious for social distinction, then?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"No--I want the dinners."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="warranted-to-kill"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id97">"WARRANTED TO KILL"</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An itinerant "old-clo" woman on reaching +a village in an irritated condition proceeded +to the general shop with a request for a certain +useful powder. The shopkeeper expressed +his ability to supply her need either in packet +form or loose. "Don't you worry about no +packet, young man," she said. "Jest pour it +down here," indicating her open collar.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="professional"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id98">PROFESSIONAL</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An editor being asked at dinner if he would +take some pudding, replied, in a fit of +abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter, +we are unable to find room for it."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-new-version"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id99">THE NEW VERSION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A class of boys were undergoing an +examination in Scripture. The subject was the +Good Samaritan. "And why do you consider +the Pharisee, after looking at him, passed by +on the other side?" "Because he saw he +had been robbed already," was the answer given.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="draughts"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id100">DRAUGHTS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A well-known judge was so afraid of draughts +that the air of his courts was always of a very +high temperature. One of his colleagues once +explained this habit by saying that he was +preparing the bar for a future state.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="tenderness"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id101">TENDERNESS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A beggar in Dublin had been a long time +besieging an old gouty, testy, limping +gentleman, who refused his mite with much +irritability; on which the mendicant said, +"Ah, plase your honour's honour, I wish +your heart were as tender as your toes."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="how-to-address-a-bishop"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id102">HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Little May was going to tea, and her +mother was giving her some words of advice. +"There will be a Bishop, dear; remember +always to address him as My Lord when you speak."</p> +<p class="pnext">During the afternoon the Bishop approached +May, and, patting her on the head, said, "Well, +little girl, how old are you?"</p> +<p class="pnext">The Bishop's surprise was great when she +replied, "My God, I'm eight."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="hook-and-putney-bridge"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id103">HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">One of the best known of Hook's puns was +uttered to a visitor to his house at Fulham. +The visitor, looking at Putney Bridge, said +that he had heard that it was a good investment, +and turning to his host asked if that was +really so. "I really don't know," was the +answer, "but you have only to cross it and +you will certainly be tolled."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-good-example"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id104">A GOOD EXAMPLE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A Welsh parson, in his sermon, told his +congregation how kind and respectful we +ought to be towards each other, and added, +that in this respect we were greatly inferior +to animals. To prove this, he mentioned as +an example the circumstance of two goats, +which met one another upon a narrow plank +across a river, so that they could not pass by +without one thrusting the other off, "Now, +how do you think they did? Why, I'll tell +you. One lay down, and let the other leap +over him. Ah, my beloved, let us live like goats."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-misfit"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id105">A MISFIT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst"><em class="italics">Assistant</em>: "Do the shoes fit, madam?"</p> +<p class="pnext"><em class="italics">Madam</em>: "Oh, yes, they fit me perfectly; but +they hurt me terribly when I try to walk."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-cheerful-invitation"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id106">A CHEERFUL INVITATION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An odd instance of the force of technical +training is afforded by a story of one of the +official attendants at a funeral. Having been +charged with a message from a relative of the +departed to another guest, he came across the +room, and translating it into his own language, +said, "If you please, sir, the corpse's brother +would be happy to take wine with you."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-inevitable-result"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id107">THE INEVITABLE RESULT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The fervent temperance orator stopped in +the midst of his speech, and said, impressively: +"I wish all the pubs were at the bottom of the +sea." Voice in crowd, "Hear, hear!" "Ah, +there speaks a noble teetotaller!" "Not at +all, I'm a diver."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="justice"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id108">JUSTICE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An Irishman, who was to undergo trial for +theft, was being comforted by his priest. +"Keep up your heart, Dennis, my boy. Take +my word for it, you'll get justice." "Troth, +yer riverence," replied Dennis in an +undertone, "and that's just what I am afraid of."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="that-awful-child"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id109">THAT AWFUL CHILD</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"What does God have for His dinner, +mother?" asked Willy.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Sh-h. You must not ask such questions. +God does not need any dinner."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Then I suppose he has an egg for his tea."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-cosmopolitan"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id110">A COSMOPOLITAN</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Speaking of the different languages of +Europe, a professor thus described them: +"The French is the best language to speak to +one's friend; the Italian to one's mistress; +the English to the people; the Spanish to God, +and the German to a horse."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="clothes-and-the-man"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id111">CLOTHES AND THE MAN</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst"><em class="italics">Debt Collector</em>: "Is your master at home?"</p> +<p class="pnext"><em class="italics">Servant</em> (curtly): "No, he isn't."</p> +<p class="pnext"><em class="italics">Debt Collector</em> (suspiciously): "But I can +see his hat hanging up in the hall."</p> +<p class="pnext"><em class="italics">Servant</em>: "Well, what's that got to do with +it? One of my dresses is hanging on the line +in the back garden, but I'm not there!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-witty-reply"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id112">A WITTY REPLY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">One day a celebrated advocate was arguing +before a very stupid and very rude Scotch +judge who, to express his contempt of what +he was saying, pointed with one forefinger +to one of his ears, and with the other to the +opposite one.</p> +<p class="pnext">"You see this, Mr. ----?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"I do, my lord," said the advocate.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Well, it just goes in here and comes out +there!" and his lordship smiled with the +hilarity of a judge who thinks he has actually +said a good thing.</p> +<p class="pnext">"I do not doubt it, my lord. What is there +to prevent it?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-sound-of-a-trumpet"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id113">THE SOUND OF A TRUMPET</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An old inhabitant of Kilmarnock had taken +more whiskey than was good for him. On his +way home, feeling very tired, he lay down in +the churchyard for a rest, with his head +against a tombstone. He was suddenly +aroused from his sleep by the blast of a +trumpet. He woke in a fright, thinking the +end of the world had come, but when he +found himself alone, exclaimed, "Well, this +is a poor show for Kilmarnock."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="grammar"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id114">GRAMMAR</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A waggish curate overheard the +schoolmaster giving lessons in grammar. "You +cannot place a, the singular article," said the +preceptor, "before plural nouns. No one can +say <em class="italics">a</em> pigs, <em class="italics">a</em> women, <em class="italics">a</em>----" "Nonsense," +cried the curate, "the prayerbook teaches +us to say <em class="italics">a</em>-men."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="one-side-at-a-time"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id115">ONE SIDE AT A TIME</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A juryman asked to be excused as he was +deaf in one ear. "I don't think that matters," +said the judge; "let him be sworn, we only +hear one side of a case at a time."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="company"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id116">COMPANY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Bridget, I don't think it looks well for you +to entertain company in the kitchen the way +you do," said the young mistress.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Thanks, mum," replied the cook; "but +I wouldn't like t' take him int' th' parlour--he +spits t'baccy."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="her-own-fault"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id117">HER OWN FAULT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst"><em class="italics">Mistress</em>: "Mary, don't let me catch you +kissing the grocer's boy again."</p> +<p class="pnext"><em class="italics">Mary</em>: "Lor', mum, I don't mean to, but +you do bob around so."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-poser"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id118">A POSER</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A new sentry was on guard outside the +residence of a general; a small green was in +front of the house and the strict orders were +that no one was to cross it, human or otherwise, +save the General's cow. An old lady coming +to visit, bent her steps across the lawn as a +short cut, but was called on by the sentry +asking her to return. She was not unnaturally +somewhat put out and said, with a stately air, +"But do you know who I am?" "I don't +know who you be, ma'am," replied the +immovable sentry, "but I knows you +b'aint--you b'aint the General's cow!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="youthful-precocity"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id119">YOUTHFUL PRECOCITY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A youth asked permission of his mother to +go to a ball. She told him it was a bad place +for little boys. "Why, mother, didn't you +and father use to go to balls when you were +young?" "Yes, but we have seen the folly +of it," said the mother. "Well, mother," +exclaimed the son, "I want to see the folly of +it too!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="above-proof"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id120">ABOVE PROOF</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An East-India Governor having died abroad +his body was put in spirit, to preserve +it for internment in England. A sailor on +board the ship being frequently drunk, the +captain forbade the purser, and indeed all in +the ship, to let him have any liquor. Shortly +after the fellow appeared very drunk. How +he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. +The captain resolved to find out, promising +to forgive him if he would tell from whom he +got the liquor. After some hesitation, he +hiccupped out, "Why, please your honour, +I tapped the Governor."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="on-death"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id121">ON DEATH</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Two recruits were discussing the Great War +and the possible date of their being sent to the +front. Said one to the other, "I wouldn't +mind getting killed, Charlie, if it wasn't so +d----d permanent."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="envy"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id122">ENVY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A drunken man was found by the roadside +in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, +apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. +"He is dead," said a countryman of his, +who was looking at him. "Dead!" replied +another, who had perceived him to be merely +intoxicated; "by the powers, I wish I had +just half his disease!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-hat-for-nothing"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id123">A HAT FOR NOTHING</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An honest rustic went into the shop of a +Quaker to buy a hat, for which fifteen shillings +were demanded. He offered twelve shillings. +"As I live," said the Quaker, "I cannot afford +to give it thee at that price." "As you live!" +exclaimed the countryman, "then live more +moderately, and be hanged to you." "Friend," +said the Quaker, "thou shalt have the hat for +nothing. I have sold hats for twenty years, +and my 'As I live' trick has never been found +out till now."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="an-old-proverb"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id124">AN OLD PROVERB</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A Chinaman was much worried by a +vicious-looking dog which barked at him in +an angry manner. "Don't be afraid of him," +said a friend. "You know the old proverb: +'A barking dog never bites.'"</p> +<p class="pnext">"Yes," said the Chinaman, "you know +proverb, I know proverb, but does d--n dog +know proverb?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="pro-bono-publico"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id125">PRO BONO PUBLICO</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">It was just before the opening of the +Academy and Swiper was growling as usual.</p> +<p class="pnext">"I wish I had a fortune," he said, "I'd +never paint again."</p> +<p class="pnext">"By Jove, old man," replied his visitor, +"I wish I had one. I'd give it to you!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-new-recipe"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id126">A NEW RECIPE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">At one of the meetings of a literary club a +dish of peas was brought in, become almost +grey with age. "You ought to carry these +peas to Kensington," said one of the party. +"Why?" asked another. "Because it's the +way to Turn 'em Green."</p> +<p class="pnext">Goldsmith hearing this is delighted and +made a note of the joke. The next evening, +dining out, he was pleased to find a dish of +yellow peas on the table. "These ought to be +sent to Kensington," he said. "Why?" he +was asked. "Because that's the way to make +them green," he replied.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="not-a-waxwork"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id127">NOT A WAXWORK</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A farmer once took his son into an Assize +Court. The lad gaped with open mouth at the +resplendent figure of the judge, arrayed in +scarlet and ermine. Suddenly the judge made +a sign to the usher, and the lad exclaimed, +"Why, father, it's alive. I thought he were +a waxwork."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="they-never-say-thank-you"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id128">THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst"><em class="italics">Mike</em>: "I did an extraordinary thing to-day. +I had the last word with a woman."</p> +<p class="pnext"><em class="italics">Ike</em>: "That so? How'd it occur?"</p> +<p class="pnext"><em class="italics">Mike</em>: "Coming home on the car I said, +'Won't you have my seat, madam?'"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="tips"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id129">TIPS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A foreign lord, who resided for a time in +England, had his own way of dealing with the +question of tips. When his friends, who had +dined with him, were going away, he always +attended them to the door; and if they +offered any money to the servant who opened +it (for he never suffered but one servant to +appear), he always prevented them, saying, +in his manner of speaking English, "If you +do give it, give it to me, for it was I that did +buy the dinner."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="id2"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id130">JUSTICE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">At a temperance lecture the speaker told of a +Dutchman and his companion who went into +Delmonico's in New York to get a lunch. They +were surprised at being charged nine dollars! +The Dutchman began to swear. "Don't you +swear," said the other, "God has already +punished Delmonico. I have got my pocket +full of his spoons."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="dead-as-a-doornail"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id131">DEAD AS A DOORNAIL</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An Irish farmer was asked by his landlord +if the report of his intended second marriage +was true, and replied--"It is, yer honner." +"But your first wife has only been dead a +week, Pat," said the landlord. "An' shure," +retorted Pat, "she's as dead now as she ever +will be, yer honner."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="faith"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id132">FAITH</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A cleric, whose name was Mountain, being a +candidate for a vacant see in the gift of the +Lord Chancellor, waited upon his lordship to +present his application. Said the Chancellor, +"What influence do you possess?" "None," +said the candidate, "except faith. You will +remember, my lord, that, if thou have faith, +and shall say to this mountain, Be thou cast +into the sea, verily it shall be done." Said the +Chancellor, "Brother Mountain, go into that see."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="job-s-curse"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id133">JOB'S CURSE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Mother," said little Eva on the way from +church, "babies aren't so good as they used +to be, are they?" "Whatever makes you +think that?" replied her mother. "Well, little +Willie can't talk yet, and he's nearly two, but +Job could talk when he was a baby." "Where +does it tell you that, dear?" asked mother. +"Don't you remember the lesson this morning, +mother? It said that Job cursed the day he +was born!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-conjugal-conclusion"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id134">A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A woman having fallen into a river, her +husband went to look for her, proceeding up +the stream from the place where she fell in. +The bystanders asked him if he was mad--she +could not have gone against the stream. The +man answered, "She was obstinate and +contrary in her life, and no doubt she was the +same at her death."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-ruling-passion"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id135">THE RULING PASSION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Lazarus Goldstein the auctioneer, being +somewhat run down, was ordered on a sea +voyage by his doctor. After several days +on board during which period nothing had +occurred to break the monotony of this to +him overpeaceful existence, he was suddenly +aroused from his afternoon siesta by the +cry "A sail, a sail." His eyes brightened and +calling his wife, he said, "Sarah, where is dot +catalogue?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="felo-de-se"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id136">FELO-DE-SE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An under officer of the Customs at the port +of Liverpool, running heedlessly along the +ship's gunnel, happened to slip overboard, and +was drowned. The body soon being recovered, +the coroner's jury was summoned. One of +the jurymen returning home, was asked what +verdict they brought in, and whether they +found it "felo-de-se"? "Ay, ay!" says +the juryman, shaking his noddle. "He fell +into the sea, sure enough."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="how-to-get-warm"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id137">HOW TO GET WARM</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A Quaker gentleman, riding in a carriage +with a fashionable lady decked with a +profusion of jewellery, heard her complain of the +cold. Shivering in her lace bonnet and shawl, +as light as a cobweb, she exclaimed, "What +shall I do to get warm?" "I really don't +know," replied the Quaker solemnly, "unless +thee should put on another breast-pin."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="no-matter-what-colour"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id138">NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An eminent Scottish divine met two of his +own parishioners at the house of a lawyer, +whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. +The lawyer ungraciously put the question, +"Doctor, these are members of your flock; +may I ask, do you look upon them as white +sheep or as black sheep?" "I don't know," +answered the divine drily, "whether they are +black or white sheep; but I know, if they are +long here, they are pretty sure to be fleeced."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="of-compositions"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id139">OF COMPOSITIONS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A lady at a dinner-party was sitting next +to a musician, and, thinking she ought to say +something about music, turned to her neighbour +and said: "Has Bach been composing much +of late?" "No, madam, but I hear he has +been decomposing for some time!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="peter-s-wife-s-mother"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id140">PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A parson in the country, taking his text +from St. Matthew, chap. viii. 14, "And +Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," +preached for three Sundays together on the +same subject. Soon after, two country fellows +going across the churchyard and hearing the +bell toll, one asked the other, who it was for. +"Perhaps," replied he, "it is for Peter's wife's +mother, for she has been sick of a fever these +three weeks."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-trials-of-the-deaf"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id141">THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An old gentleman went out to tea, and being +somewhat deaf was unable to join in the +general conversation. A kind-hearted lady +wishing to make him feel at home, said: +"Do you like bananas?" To which he +replied, "No; I prefer the old-fashioned +nightshirt."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="anticipation"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id142">ANTICIPATION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Towards the close of a meeting at Exeter +Hall at which Bishop Wilberforce had made +an eloquent speech the audience began to go +away. A gentleman whose name was on the +programme said to the Bishop, "I need not +speak; I hardly think they expect me." +"To be sure they do," said Wilberforce; +"don't you see they are all going."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="hymns-and-hers"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id143">HYMNS AND HERS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">On seeing a large picture by Watts from +<em class="italics">Theodore and Honoria</em> a friend once asked +Lord Houghton what it represented. "Oh!" +he replied, "you have heard of Watts's +Hymns. These are Watts's Hers!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="hors-concours"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id144">HORS CONCOURS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">At an evening party a new game was +suggested. The guests were each to make the +most hideous grimaces that they could and +the prize was to go to the ugliest effort.</p> +<p class="pnext">After long scrutiny the judge awarded the +prize to a lady seated away from the others. +"I'm not playing," she replied indignantly.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-marine-and-the-bottle"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id145">THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A story told of William the Fourth, if +genuine, shows that king possessed on occasion +of a ready tact which is so happy as to be wit. +The story runs that when dining with several +officers he ordered a waiter to "take away that +marine," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your +Majesty!" exclaimed one of the officers, "do +you compare an empty bottle to a member of +our branch of the service?" "Yes," answered +the king. "I mean to say that it has done its +duty once and is ready to do it again."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-united-couple"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id146">A UNITED COUPLE</a></h2> +<blockquote> +<div> +<div class="line-block outermost"> +<div class="line">John's wife complains, that John discourses</div> +<div class="line">And thinks of nothing else but horses.</div> +<div class="inner line-block"> +<div class="line">Whilst John, a caustic wag,</div> +</div> +<div class="line">Says it's wonderful to see</div> +<div class="line">How thoroughly their tastes agree,--</div> +<div class="line">For, that his wife, as well as he,</div> +<div class="inner line-block"> +<div class="line">Most dearly loves a nag.</div> +</div> +</div> +</div> +</blockquote> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="wet-paint"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id147">WET PAINT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">It was a dark wintry night, when a belated +traveller, in a lonely country district, found +himself entirely lost as to his locality.</p> +<p class="pnext">He wandered aimlessly for some time, till +at last he found himself against what he +considered a signpost.</p> +<p class="pnext">All efforts to find out any name on the same +failing, he climbed the post and read the words, +"Wet paint."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="tick-tick-tick"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id148">TICK, TICK, TICK</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Sheridan had taken a new house and meeting +Lord Guildford, he mentioned his change of +residence, and also a change in his own habits. +"My lord, everything is carried on in my new +house with the greatest regularity--everything +in short goes like clockwork." "Ah!" +replied Lord Guildford meaningly, "tick, tick, +tick, I suppose."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="diffidence"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id149">DIFFIDENCE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An Irishman charged with an assault, was +asked by the judge whether he was guilty or +not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till +I have heard the evidence?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-bailiff-outwitted"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id150">THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A bailiff who had tried numerous expedients +in vain to arrest a Quaker, resolved to adopt +the habit and manner of one, in hope of +catching the primitive Christian. In this +disguise, he knocked at the Quaker's door +and inquired if he was at home. The +housekeeper replied, "Yes." "Can I see him?" +"Walk in, friend," she said, "and he shall see +thee." The bailiff, confident of success, walked +in, and after waiting nearly an hour, rung a +bell, and on the housekeeper appearing, said, +"Thou promised me I should see friend +Aminadab." "No, friend," answered the +housekeeper, "I promised <em class="italics">he</em> should see <em class="italics">thee</em>. +He hath seen thee, but he doth not like thee."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="imagination"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id151">IMAGINATION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A small boy walking across a common with +his mother espied a bunny. "Look, mother, +there goes a rabbit!" "Nonsense, my boy, +it must have been imagination." "Mother, +is imagination white behind?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="unremitting-kindness"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id152">UNREMITTING KINDNESS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Call that a kind man," said an actor, +speaking of an absent acquaintance; "a +man who is away from his family, and never +sends them a farthing! Call that kindness!" +"Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-warm-prospect"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id153">A WARM PROSPECT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A well-known judge was credited with being +parsimonious. A friend once asked him, "What +are you going to do with your money? You +cannot take it with you, and if you could it +would melt!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-soporific-story"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id154">A SOPORIFIC STORY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The celebrated Bubb Doddington was very +lethargic. Falling asleep one day after dinner +with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, +the general, the latter reproached Doddington +with his drowsiness. Doddington denied having +been asleep; and to prove that he had not +offered to repeat all Lord Cobham had been +saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. +Doddington repeated a story and Lord Cobham +owned he had been telling it. "And yet," +said Doddington, "I did not hear a word of +it but I went to sleep because I knew that +about this time you would tell that story."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="st-peter-and-his-keys"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id155">ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Curran and Father O'Leary were dining +with Michael Kelly when the barrister said: +"Reverend Father, I wish you were St. Peter." +"And why, Counsellor, would you wish I +were St. Peter?" asked O'Leary. "Because, +Reverend Father, in that case you would +have the keys of heaven, and could let me in." +"By my honour and conscience, Counsellor," +answered O'Leary, "it would be better for +you if I had the keys of the other place, for +then I could let you out."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-lost-joint"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id156">THE LOST JOINT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The serving-maid was awkward and the +joint fell on the floor. The young mistress was +naturally upset and cried, "Now we've lost +our dinner."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Indeed you haven't," said Jane, "I've +got my foot on it."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-recruiting-sergeant-and-the-countryman"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id157">THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A recruiting sergeant addressing an honest +country bumpkin with--"Come, my lad, +thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?" +"Voight for my King," answered Hodge, +"why, has he fawn out wi' onybody?"</p> +<p class="pnext">IRELAND FOR EVER</p> +<p class="pnext">An Irishman homeward bound from America +frequently expressed his delight by shouting, +"Hurrah for Ireland!" "Hurrah for Ireland!" +to the intense amusement of most of the +passengers. One irascible old fellow, however, +barely concealed his irritation at Pat's +outbursts, and at last, exasperated beyond +endurance, retorted, "Hurrah for Hell!" +"That's right," said Pat. "Every man for +his own country."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="all-men-are-liars"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id158">ALL MEN ARE LIARS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Thackeray was fond of telling the story of +two men relating their adventures. One of +them had told his companion something as +having happened to him which was extremely +improbable; the other capped it by a +statement still more outrageous. "What a liar +you must be, Jack," said his friend, to which +he replied, "Well, <em class="italics">we are telling lies</em>, aren't we?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="an-object-lesson"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id159">AN OBJECT LESSON</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The diner-out had waited a quarter of an +hour for his soup. Calling the waiter he asked, +"Have you ever been to the Zoo?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"No, sir," was the reply.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Well, you ought to go. You'd enjoy +watching the tortoises whiz past."</p> +<p class="pnext">AN UNKNOWN TONGUE</p> +<p class="pnext">During the long French war, two old ladies +in Stranraer were going to the kirk, the one +said to the other, "Was it no' a wonderfu' +thing that the Breetish were aye victorious +ower the French in battle?" "Not a bit," +said the other old lady, "dinna ye ken the +Breetish aye say their prayers before ga'in +into battle?" The other replied, "But canna +the French say their prayers as weel?" The +reply was most characteristic, "Hoot! jabbering +bodies, wha could understan' them."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-doubtful-compliment"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id160">A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Did you present your account to the +defendant?" inquired a lawyer of his client. +"I did, your Honour." "And what did he +say?" "He told me to go to the devil." +"And what did you say then?" "Why, +then I came to you."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="somewhere"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id161">"SOMEWHERE"</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A lady who gave herself great airs of +importance, on being introduced to a gentleman +for the first time, said, with much cool +indifference, "I think, sir, I have seen you +somewhere." "Very likely," replied the gentleman, +"you may, ma'am, as I have often been there."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-scotsman-and-the-joke"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id162">THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An Englishman and a Scotsman were on a +walking tour in the Highlands when they came +to a signpost which said, "Five miles to +Stronachlachar." Underneath this was written, +"If you cannot read inquire at the baker's." +The Englishman laughed heartily when he +read it, but refused to tell the Scotsman the +joke. That night the Englishman was +surprised at being woke up by his companion, +who seemed much amused at something. +Asking the reason, the Scotsman replied, +"Och, mon, I hae just seen the joke--the +baker might not be in."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="war-and-taxes"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id163">WAR AND TAXES</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Shortly after the commencement of the +Peninsular War, a tax was laid on candles, +which, as a political economist would prove, +made them dearer. A Scotch wife in Greenock +remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, +that the price was raised, and asked why? +"It's a' awin' to the war," said Paddy. "The +war!" said the astonished matron. "Gracious +me! are they gaun to fecht by candlelicht?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-modern-alfred"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id164">A MODERN ALFRED</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A woman gave her little child a cloth to +warm while she was otherwise busied. The +child held it to the fire, but so near that it +changed colour presently, and began to look +like tinder; upon which the child called to its +mother, "Mamma, is it done enough when it +looks brown?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="charity-on-credit"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id165">CHARITY ON CREDIT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A certain rich laird in Fife, whose weekly +contribution to the church collection never +exceeded one penny, one day, by mistake, +dropped into the plate at the door a +five-shilling piece; but discovering his error before +he was seated in his pew, hurried back, and +was about to replace the coin by his customary +penny, when the elder in attendance cried out, +"Stop, laird, ye may put in what ye like, but +ye maun take naething out!" The laird, +finding his explanations went for nothing, at +last said, "A weel, I suppose I'll get credit +for it in heaven." "Na, na, laird," said the +elder, "ye'll only get credit for the penny."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="courting-by-lamplight"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id166">COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The carter was going out with a lantern +one evening, when he met the farmer who +employed him; he was asked where he was +going. "Courting," was the reply. The +farmer replied, "You don't want a lantern +to go courting with. When I went courting +I never took a lantern." "I can quite believe +you," said the man, "when I look at your missus!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-inquisitive-onlooker"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id167">THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An old gentleman was observed earnestly +looking on the sands, evidently for some +object he had lost.</p> +<p class="pnext">An inquisitive onlooker asked, "Have you +lost something?" "Yes," was the reply.</p> +<p class="pnext">Not quite satisfied, the inquisitive one said, +"Is it anything important?" "Yes," again +came the answer, "I have lost my toffee." +"But, surely, the toffee would be useless if you +found it, as it would be full of sand." "But +my teeth are in it," was the prompt reply.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-empty-bottle"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id168">THE EMPTY BOTTLE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">In a dark room in an Irish cabin Biddy +was searching for the whisky bottle, when +her husband enquired, "What is't yer lookin' +for?" "Nuthin', Pat," answered Biddy. +"Sure," replied the husband, "you'll find it +in the bottle where the whisky was."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="h2o"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id169">H2O</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The elementary class was being instructed +in chemistry, and the master, after several +lessons, asked: "What is water?" One +very young but bright pupil promptly replied: +"A colourless fluid that turns black when you +wash your hands."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="an-accident"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id170">AN ACCIDENT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Two Irish porters meeting at Dublin, one +addressed the other with, "Och, Thady my +jewel, is it you? Are you just come from +England? Pray did you see anything of our +old friend Pat Murphy?" "The devil a +sight," he replied, "and what's worse I'm +afraid I never shall." "How so?" "Why he +met with a very unfortunate accident lately." +"Amazing! What was it?" "Oh, indeed +nothing more than this; he was standing on +a plank talking devoutly to a priest, at a place +in London which I think they call Brixton, +when the plank suddenly gave way, and poor +Murphy got his neck broke."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="touch-him-up"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id171">TOUCH HIM UP</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Mackintosh was once taking Parr for a drive +when the horse became restive and the +scholar became nervous. "Gently, Jemmy," +said Parr, "don't irritate him; always soothe +your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without +me. Let me down, Jemmy." The horse was +stopped enough for the purpose, and no sooner +had Parr safely descended than his advice +changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. +Never let a horse get the better of you. Touch +him up, conquer him, don't spare him. And now +I'll leave you to manage him--I'll walk home."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-smart-boy"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id172">A SMART BOY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A boy of only nine years old was asked many +questions by a bishop, and gave very prompt +answers to them all. At length the prelate +said, "I will give you an orange if you will +tell me where God is." "My Lord," replied +the boy, "I will give you two if you will tell +me where He is not."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="wearing-rouge"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id173">WEARING ROUGE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">There was a certain Bishop of Amiens who +was a saint and yet had a good deal of wit. +A lady went to consult him whether she might +wear rouge; she had been with several +directeurs, but some were so severe, and some so +relaxed, that she could not satisfy her +conscience, and therefore was come to +Monseigneur to decide for her, and would rest by his +sentence. "I see, Madam," said the good +prelate, "what the case is: some of your +casuists forbid rouge totally; others will +permit you to wear as much as you please. +Now, for my part, I love a medium in all things, +and therefore I permit you to wear rouge on +one cheek only."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-poor-landlord"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id174">THE POOR LANDLORD</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Father Healy was talking to a friend in the +street when a youth came up begging alms; +having received a penny he scampered off, +revealing in his retreat a very tattered apparel. +"That is a nice cut of an Irish landlord," said +the priest. "How so?" asked the friend, +"Because he has rents in a rear."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-day-of-rest"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id175">THE DAY OF REST</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Well, Master Jackson," said the minister, +walking homeward after service with an +industrious labourer, who was a constant +attendant, "well, Master Jackson, Sunday +must be a blessed day of rest for you who +work so hard all the week. And you make a +good use of the day, for you are always to be +seen at church." "Ah, sir," replied Jackson, +"it is indeed a blessed day; I works hard +enough all the week, and then I comes to +church o' Sundays, and sets me down, and +lays my legs up, and thinks o' nothing!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="not-to-be-caught"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id176">NOT TO BE CAUGHT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">It was examination day at one of the +R.A.M.C. headquarters.</p> +<p class="pnext">"And if a man suffering from trench feet +were brought to you, how would you treat +him?" asked the examiner.</p> +<p class="pnext">The recruit, a Londoner with a good knowledge +of the licensing laws, quickly answered: +"You won't catch me that way, sir. We +should both pay for our own."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="molecules"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id177">MOLECULES</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"What are you studying now?" asked Mrs. Johnson.</p> +<p class="pnext">"We have taken up the subject of molecules," +answered her son.</p> +<p class="pnext">"I hope you will be very attentive and +practise constantly," said the mother. "I +tried to get your father to wear one, but he +could not keep it in his eye."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-thoughtless-samaritan"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id178">A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Professor Johnson, the antiquary, returning +meditatively from a learned discourse, came +upon the recumbent body of a man in front +of a house. Being a Samaritan he proffered +his services, and discovered that the man +lived on the first floor. Thither he piloted +him and opening a door pushed him gently in. +Reaching again the ground floor another +human being confronted him and he also +needed help to the first floor. But when our +Professor found yet another fellow-creature +in distress his curiosity was aroused and he said:</p> +<p class="pnext">"It is strange that there should be three +men needing help to the first floor of the same +house."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Not so strange, mister," replied the prone +figure, "seeing as 'ow you've dropped me +down the lift 'ole twice."</p> +<div class="level-3 section" id="chaps"> +<h3 class="level-3 pfirst section-title title">CHAPS</h3> +<p class="pfirst">A pretty girl was complaining to a young +Quaker that she was dreadfully troubled by +chaps on her lips. "Friend Mary!" replied +the Quaker, "thou shouldst not permit the +chaps to come so near the lips."</p> +</div> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="twins"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id179">TWINS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A farmer became the father of twins and +on learning the news he was so delighted that +he hurried to the nearest post-office and sent +this telegram to his sister-in-law.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Twins to-day. More to-morrow."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-natural-objection"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id180">A NATURAL OBJECTION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The Daylight Saving Bill has its detractors +as well as its advocates. Of the former it is +said that milkmen are the chief, but as Jones +said to William: "It's but natural. A +milkman would pour cold water on anything."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="badly-put"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id181">BADLY PUT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A doctor of eminence was called up on the +telephone by an anxious lady. "Are you a +baby specialist?" he was asked.</p> +<p class="pnext">"No," was the reply, "I'm a full-grown man."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-doubtful-market"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id182">A DOUBTFUL MARKET</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A boy in an office was dissatisfied with his +prospects and gave notice. "You are making +a mistake," said his employer, "you will do +better to remain here. Remember, a rolling +stone gathers no moss."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Who wants moss?" replied the youth. +"Where's the market for it, I should like to know?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="sequences"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id183">SEQUENCES</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An old gentleman engaged a footman, and +having instructed him in his duties asked him +if he understood sequences.</p> +<p class="pnext">"I don't know, sir," replied the man; +"will you please explain?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"Why," he said, "when I ask you to lay +the cloth, you are to put the knives, forks, salt, +etc., on the table."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Oh, sir," replied the footman, "if that's +all, no doubt I shall please you."</p> +<p class="pnext">His master, being ill one morning, ordered +him to fetch a nurse with all speed. He +did not return until late at night, and on being +reproached explained the delay by telling that +he went and found the nurse who was below; +the sequences of a nurse, he thought, were a +chemist, a doctor, a surgeon, and an +undertaker; and he had asked them all to +attend--in fact they were now waiting below.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="two-points-of-view"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id184">TWO POINTS OF VIEW</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A lawyer travelling by the Great Western +to his circuit, wished to be alone in order to +study a brief, and having for his single +companion a mild clergyman, he got rid of him +by affecting insanity. This he did so naturally +that all the clergyman's efforts, after the first +quarter of an hour, were directed to soothe +and conciliate his fellow-passenger. As they +passed the great Middlesex Asylum, he +observed, like a nurse with a fractious child, +"How pretty Hanwell looks from the railway." +"Ah," answered the lawyer, with a slight +bark, "you should see how the railway looks +from Hanwell." At the next station the +divine got out precipitately, and left the +lawyer to himself.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-cannibal"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id185">A CANNIBAL</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Willie had reached the tender and +somewhat difficult age of six when his uncle +Edward came on a visit. His first conversation +proved rather trying.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Uncle, you must be a sort o' cannibal.</p> +<p class="pnext">"A what, sir? What d'yer mean, sir?" +returned the uncle.</p> +<p class="pnext">"'Cause mamma said you was always livin' +on somebody!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="to-let-unfurnished"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id186">TO LET--UNFURNISHED</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">When it was suggested that the squire's son +should enter Parliament he was asked which +side he would take. The young man replied +that he would vote with those who had the +most to offer him, and that he should wear +on his forehead a label "To Let." "Do, +Tom," commented his father, "and write +underneath those words 'unfurnished.'"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-friend-of-satan"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id187">A FRIEND OF SATAN</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A clergyman who was an enthusiastic +geologist always carried his specimens about +in a handkerchief such as navvies use to carry +their dinners in. One day, as he was returning +home with the handkerchief full of specimens, +he saw a navvy seated at the top of a well +swearing vigorously because he could not make +the windlass work.</p> +<p class="pnext">"My friend," said the clergyman gravely, +"do you know Satan?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"Satan," said the man; "who's he? +Wait a moment, sir," he added, "I'll ask my +mate. Bill," he called, "do you know Satan?"</p> +<p class="pnext">The answer came from down the well: "No. Why?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"Well," said the one at the top, eyeing +the handkerchief, "there's a bloke up here +wot's got his dinner!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-teddy-bear"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id188">THE TEDDY BEAR</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A little girl received a present of a Teddy +Bear. Unfortunately one of its eyes was +injured in the post. Asked what name she +had given it, the child said, "I call it Gladly, +because I read in a book the other day, +'Gladly my cross I'd bear.'"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="brotherly-love"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id189">BROTHERLY LOVE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Ah!" said a conceited young parson, "I +have this afternoon been preaching to a +congregation of asses." "Was that the +reason why you always called them beloved +brethren?" a lady inquired.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="christian-principles"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id190">CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">On his removal to Bath after his retirement, +Quin, the actor, found himself extravagantly +charged for everything, and at the end of the +week complained of this to Beau Nash, saying +that he had invited him to Bath as being the +cheapest place in England for a man of taste +and a bon vivant. Nash, himself no mean +utterer of wit, replied saying that his +townsmen had acted upon truly Christian principles. +"How so?" demanded Quin. "Why!" +concluded the Beau, "you were a stranger +and they took you in."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="multiplication"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id191">MULTIPLICATION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The little boy was discovered in front of the +rabbit-hutch with a perplexed frown on his +forehead. "What's twice two?" he shouted. +No response. "What's twice two?" he +repeated. "There, I knew teacher was wrong +when he said rabbits multiply quickly."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-biblical-story"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id192">A BIBLICAL STORY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A clergyman during his first curacy found +the ladies of the parish too helpful. He soon +left the place. Some while later he met his +successor. "How are you getting on with +the ladies?" asked the escaped curate. "Oh, +very well," was the answer, "there's safety +in numbers." "I found it in Exodus," was +the reply.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-thoughtful-maid"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id193">THE THOUGHTFUL MAID</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Bridget," said the mistress in a reproving +tone of voice, "breakfast is very late this +morning. I noticed last night that you had +company in the kitchen, and it was nearly +twelve o'clock when you went to bed."</p> +<p class="pnext">"It was, ma'am," admitted Bridget. "I +knew you was awake, for I heard ye movin' +about; an' I said to meself ye'd need sleep +this mornin', an' I wouldn't disturb ye wid +an early breakfast, ma'am."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="hemp"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id194">HEMP</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Two "nuts" were passing a field where a +labourer was sowing. "Well, old man," said +one of them to him, "it's your business to sow, +but we reap the fruits of your labour." To +which the countryman replied, "'Tis very +likely you may, truly; for I am sowing hemp."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="good-advice"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id195">GOOD ADVICE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"George," said the farmer half-way through +the first banquet in which his son took part, +"be careful of the drink. When you see those +two lights at the end of the room appear to be +four, you may be sure you have had enough, +and stop." "But, father," replied the +interested son, "I see only one light at present."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="change-and-rest"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id196">CHANGE AND REST</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Bishop Creighton used to tell a story of the +ready wit of Magee, his predecessor in the see +of Peterborough. Magee had been staying at +some country place, and on his leaving, the +innkeeper had presented an extortionate bill, +at the same time expressing the hope that +his visitor had had change and rest. "No, +indeed," was Magee's reply, "the waiter +has got the change and you have got the rest."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-voluntary-system"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id197">THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A young recruit was somewhat perturbed +regarding a regulation about which his +comrades had told him. "If you please, +sergeant," he said, "the other fellows say I've +got to grow a moustache." "Oh, there's no +compulsion about growing a moustache, my +lad; but you mustn't shave your upper lip," +was the reply.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-way-to-york"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id198">THE WAY TO YORK</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A traveller, lost on a Yorkshire moor, met +a member of a shrewd and plain-speaking +sect. "This is the way to York, is it not?" +said the traveller. To which the other replied, +"Friend, first thou tellest me a lie, and then +thou askest me a question."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-way-to-do-it"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id199">THE WAY TO DO IT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A gentleman, having a light sovereign +which he could not pass, gave it to his Irish +servant, and asked him to pass it. At night +he asked him if he had got rid of the coin. +"Yes, sir," replied the man, "but I was forced +to be very sly; the people refused it at +breakfast and at dinner; so, at a cinema +where the admission was threepence, I whipped +it in between two halfpence, and the man put +it in his pocket and never saw it."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="lot-and-the-flea"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id200">LOT AND THE FLEA</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Children," said the Sunday school +superintendent, "this picture illustrates to-day's +lesson: Lot was warned to take his wife and +daughters and flee out of Sodom. Here is Lot +and his daughters, with his wife just behind +them; and there is Sodom in the background. +Now has any girl or boy a question before we +take up the study of the lesson? Well, Susie?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"Pleathe, thir," lisped the latest graduate +from the infant class, "where ith the flea?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="whist"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id201">WHIST</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Dr. Parr was very fond of whist and very +impatient of any want of skill on the part of +those with whom he was playing. Taking a +hand with three poor players he was asked by +a friend how he was getting on, and replied +with cutting sarcasm, "Pretty well, +considering that I have three adversaries."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-new-prescription"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id202">A NEW PRESCRIPTION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An American doctor being called upon to +prescribe for a child, whose ailment was not +clear to him, said to the nurse, "I'll give the +little cuss a powder, then it'll have a fit, and +I'm a dab at fits."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="jacob-s-ladder"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id203">JACOB'S LADDER</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A clergyman had preached on the subject +of Jacob's ladder, and his son, who was +present, was much impressed. A few days +later he told his father that he had dreamed +about his father's discourse. "And what +did you see, my son?" "I dreamt," replied +the boy, "that I saw a ladder reaching from +the ground up into the clouds. At the foot +of the ladder were many pieces of chalk and +no one was allowed to ascend without taking +a piece for the purpose of placing a mark on +each rung for each sin committed." "Very +interesting, my boy, and what else?" "Well, +father, I thought I would go up and I marked +the rungs as I went, but I hadn't got very far +when I heard someone coming down." "Yes," +said the father, "and who was that?" "You, +father," replied the boy. "I, whatever was I +coming down for?" "More chalk," was the reply.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-portrait"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id204">A PORTRAIT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A photographer went with a friend to an +exhibition of paintings. The latter called his +attention to a portrait of an angular lady +in evening dress. "Ha," he exclaimed in +professional tones, "over-exposed and underdeveloped."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="bloaters"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id205">BLOATERS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"If a bloater and a half cost three ha'pence, +what would thirteen cost?" Tommy did not +know and was sent into an adjoining classroom +to work out the problem. The boy was very +quiet, and on looking to see what he was +doing the master discovered him before a +blackboard covered with figures. "How are +you getting on, Tommy?" he asked. "What +was the question, sir?" he replied. "If a +bloater and a half----" "Oh, bloaters--I've +been working it out in kippers!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-convenience"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id206">A CONVENIENCE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">During a cross-examination an undertaker +produced his business card, on which was a +telegraphic address. He was asked why the +latter should be necessary.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Oh," interposed the judge, "I suppose +it is for the convenience of people who want +to be buried in a hurry."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-prayer-meeting"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id207">THE PRAYER MEETING</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A clergyman met a parishioner of dissolute +habits. "I was surprised but very glad to +see you at the prayer meeting last evening," +he said. "So that's where I was!" replied the man.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="taking-time"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id208">TAKING TIME</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An old negro was taken ill, and called in a +physician of his own race. After a time, as +there were no signs of improvement, he asked +for a white doctor. Soon after arriving, the +doctor felt the old man's pulse, and then +examined his tongue. "Did your other +doctor take your temperature?" he asked. +"I don't know, boss," replied the ailing +negro, "I hain't missed nothing but my watch as yet."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="king-s-evidence"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id209">KING'S EVIDENCE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">When Whitfield first went to America, +observing, during his voyage, the dissolute +manners of the crew, he invited them to one of +his pious declamations, and took occasion to +reprehend them for their loose manner of +living. "You will certainly," says he, "go +to hell. Perhaps you may think I will be an +advocate for you; but, believe me, I will tell +of all your wicked actions." Upon this one of +the sailors, turning to his messmate, observed, +"Ay, Jack, that's just the way at the Old +Bailey; the greatest rogue always turns king's +evidence."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-pleasant-prospect"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id210">A PLEASANT PROSPECT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Grandma, shall I have a face like you +when I get old?" asked the <em class="italics">enfant terrible</em>.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Yes, my dear, if you're good."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="balaam-s-sword"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id211">BALAAM'S SWORD</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A student, showing the Museum at Oxford +to a party, produced, among many other +curiosities, a rusty sword. "This," said he, +"is a sword with which Balaam was going to +kill his ass." One of the company observed +that he thought Balaam had no sword, but +only wished for one. "You are right," +replied the student, "and this is the very +sword he wished for."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-honorarium"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id212">THE HONORARIUM</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The local Council had decided that in +consequence of untiring and devoted service +they would grant an honorarium to one of +their staff.</p> +<p class="pnext">One of the oldest and most energetic +members rose to speak in favour of the +presentation, but expressed his opinion that +the Council certainly ought to ascertain first +whether the young man could play the instrument.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="manners"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id213">MANNERS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A well-known cleric came to a stile occupied +by a farm lad, who was eating his bread and +bacon luncheon. The boy making no attempt +to allow his reverence to pass, was told that +he seemed to be "better fed than taught." +"Very likely," answered the lad, "for ye +teaches Oi, but Oi feeds meself."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="scotch-understanding"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id214">SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A lady asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, +how it happened that the Scots who came out +of their own country were, generally speaking, +men of more abilities than those who remained +at home. "Oh, madam," said he, "the +reason is obvious. At every outlet there are +persons stationed to examine all who pass, +that, for the honour of the country, no one be +permitted to leave it who is not a man of +understanding." "Then," said she, "I +suppose your lordship was smuggled."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-average-egg"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id215">THE AVERAGE EGG</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The teacher asked the arithmetic class: +"What is the meaning of the word average?" +A small boy replied: "It's a thing that hens +lay eggs on." "Why?" "Because I've +read that a hen lays an egg on an average once +a day."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="feeling-in-the-right-place"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id216">FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A gentleman was one day relating to a +Quaker a tale of deep distress, and +concluded very pathetically by saying, "I could +not but feel for him." "Verily, friend," +replied the Quaker, "thou didst right in that +thou didst feel for thy neighbour; but didst +thou feel in the right place--didst thou feel +in thy pocket?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-g-o-m"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id217">THE G.O.M.</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A clergyman calling at Hawarden, while +Mr. Gladstone still held the reins, Mrs. Gladstone +entertained him, till her husband, who +was upstairs writing, was disengaged. The +minister lamented the terrible state of affairs +in Ireland and elsewhere, but added +consolingly, "There is One above us who will +set all right." "Oh, yes," exclaimed +Mrs. G., "he'll be down directly."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-neat-retort"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id218">A NEAT RETORT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A member of a celebrated theatrical family +made his first appearance on the operatic +stage. His voice, however, was so bad that +the conductor of the orchestra called out to +him at rehearsal: "Mr. Kemble, Mr. Kemble, +you are murdering the music." "My dear +Sir," came the retort, "it is far better to +murder it outright than to keep on beating it +as you do."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-sydney-smith-story"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id219">A SYDNEY SMITH STORY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">To a country squire, who having been +worsted in an argument with his rector, +remarked, "If I had a son who was an idiot, +by Jove! I'd make him a parson," Sydney +Smith quietly replied, "I see that your +father was of a different mind."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-common-difficulty"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id220">A COMMON DIFFICULTY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A man who had a large family, and but very +moderate means to support them, was +lamenting to an acquaintance of no family and a +large fortune how difficult it was to make both +ends meet. "We should not repine," replied +his friend; "He that sends mouths, sends +food." "That I do not deny," replied the +other; "only permit me to observe, He has +sent me the mouths, and you the food."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="mary-jones"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id221">MARY JONES</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The Vicar, conducting a Sunday afternoon +service, was trying to interest the children in +the Burial Service.</p> +<p class="pnext">He was dealing with the part which speaks +of the changing of the earthly body: but +found several of his audience busily engaged +in conversation.</p> +<p class="pnext">Determined to secure better attention if +possible, he asked the following question, +"And now, Mary Jones, who made your vile +body?" To which came the ready answer, +"Please, sir, mother did, and I made the skirt."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="donald-complied"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id222">DONALD COMPLIED</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A gentleman having an estate in the +Highlands advertised the shootings to let, +and told his gamekeeper, Donald, to praise the +place for all it was worth.</p> +<p class="pnext">An Englishman, inquiring of Donald as to +how it was stocked with game, first asked if +it had any deer.</p> +<p class="pnext">Donald's reply was, "Thoosands of them."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Any grouse?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"Thoosands of them, too."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Any partridges?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"Thoosands of them, too."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Any woodcock?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"Thoosands of them, too."</p> +<p class="pnext">The Englishman, thinking Donald was +drawing the long bow, asked if there were +any gorillas. Donald drew himself up.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Well, they are no' so plentifu'; they +jist come occasionally, noo and again, like +yoursel'."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="vegetarianism"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id223">VEGETARIANISM</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">It is related of a coachman that his medical +adviser prescribed animal food as the best +means of restoring health and activity. +"Patrick," said he, "you're run down a bit, +that's all. What you need is animal food." +Remembering his case a few days afterwards, +he called upon Pat at his stable. "Well, +Pat," he asked, "how are you getting on with +the treatment?" "Oh, shure, sir," Pat +replied, "Oi manage all right with the grain +and oats, but it's mighty hard with the chopped hay."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="fellow-feeling"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id224">FELLOW-FEELING</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A doctor, being summoned to a vestry, in +order to reprimand the sexton for drunkenness, +dwelt so long on the sexton's misconduct that +the latter was constrained to say: "Sir, I was +in hopes you would have treated my failings +with more gentleness, and that you would +have been the last man alive to appear against +me, as I have covered so many blunders of yours."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="jonah-and-the-whale"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id225">JONAH AND THE WHALE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"I cannot conceive how Jonah could live +in the stomach of a whale," someone said to +Father Healy one day.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Oh, that's nothing," was the reply, "I +saw a friend coming out of a fly this morning."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="wholly-good"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id226">WHOLLY GOOD</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">At a religious meeting a lady persevered in +standing on a bench, and thus intercepting +the view of others, though repeatedly requested +to sit down. A reverend old gentleman at +last rose, and said gravely, "I think if the +lady knew that she had a large hole in each of +her stockings, she would not exhibit them in +this way." This had the desired effect--she +immediately sat down. A young minister +standing by, blushed to the temples, and said, +"O brother! how could you say what was not +the fact." "Not the fact!" replied the old +gentleman; "if she had not a large hole in +each of her stockings, I should like to know +how she gets them on."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="careful-now"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id227">"CAREFUL, NOW!"</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"How is it, Mary, that whenever I enter +the kitchen I always find a man there?" +enquired a mistress.</p> +<p class="pnext">"I don't know, ma'am, indeed, unless it be +them there soft shoes ye wears, that don't +make no noise," replied Mary.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="safety"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id228">SAFETY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An English gentleman, travelling through +the county of Kilkenny, came to a ford, and +hired a boat to take him across. The water +being rather more agitated than was agreeable +to him, he asked the boatman if any person +was ever lost in the passage! "Never," +replied Terence; "never. My brother was +drowned here last week; but we found him +again the next day."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="o-brien-the-lucid"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id229">O'BRIEN THE LUCID</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"You are not opaque, are you?" sarcastically +asked one man of another who was +standing in front of him at the theatre. +"Faith, an' Oi'm not," replied the other. +"It's O'Brien that Oi am."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="mercy"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id230">MERCY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An old woman walking down the church +aisle during service in a large red cloak, heard +the minister say, "Lord, have mercy upon +us!" then the clerk repeated, "Lord, have +mercy upon us!" and then the whole +congregation echoed, "Lord, have mercy upon +us!" "Bless my heart!" cried she, stopping +short, "did ye never see an old woman in a +red cloak before."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-bull"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id231">A BULL</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Pat, can you tell me what is an Irish +'bull'?" asked an inquiring tourist. "Well, +if your honour has seen four cows lying down +in a field, an' one of them standing up, that +'ud be a bull!" retorted Pat triumphantly.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="id3"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id232">A GOOD REASON</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"That's a pretty bird, grandma," said a +little boy. "Yes, and he never cries," replied +the old lady. "That's because he's never +washed," rejoined the youngster.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-arrest"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id233">THE ARREST</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Now, Pat," said a magistrate sympathetically +to an "old offender," "what brought +you here again?" "Two policemen, sor," +was the laconic reply. "Drunk, I suppose?" +queried the magistrate. "Yes, sor," said Pat, +without relaxing a muscle, "both av them."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="cherubim-and-seraphim"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id234">CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"As you are well up in biblical points, will +you tell us the difference between the cherubim +and seraphim?" Father Healy was once asked.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Well, I believe there was a difference +between them a long time ago, but they have +since made it up."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="solitude"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id235">SOLITUDE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An amusing anecdote is told by Schopenhauer +in support of his theory of the ridiculous. +One man said to another, "I am very fond +of taking long walks by myself." "So am I," +said the other; "our tastes are congenial, +so let us take long walks together."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-question-of-numbers"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id236">A QUESTION OF NUMBERS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A nursery-maid was leading a little child +up and down a garden. "Is't a laddie or a +lassie?" asked the gardener. "A laddie," +said the maid. "Weel," said he, "I'm glad +o' that, for there's ower mony women in the +world." "Heck, mon," said Jess, "did ye no +ken there's ay maist sown o' the best crop?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="american-poultry"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id237">AMERICAN POULTRY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A wealthy Irish-American was proud of the +opportunity to do the honours and "show off" +on the occasion of a visit to New York of one +of his compatriots from the "Ould Counthry." +To dazzle him he invited him to dine at one of +the most notable and "toniest" of restaurants. +"Now, me bhoy," he said, "just you follow +my lead, and I'll order everything of the best." +Seated at table, the host led off with--"Waiter, +fetch a couple of cocktails." His friend gave +himself away, however, when he whispered +audibly--"Waiter, if ye don't moind, I'd +rather have a wing."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="grace-mal-a-propos"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id238">GRACE MAL A PROPOS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A milliner's apprentice, about to wait upon +a duchess, was fearful of committing some +error in her deportment. She therefore +consulted a friend as to the manner in which she +should consult this great personage, and was +told that, on going before the duchess, she +must say her Grace, and so on. Accordingly, +away went the girl, and, on being introduced, +after a very low curtsey, she said: "For what +I am going to receive, the Lord make me truly +thankful." To which the duchess answered: "Amen!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-poor-idiot"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id239">THE POOR IDIOT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A dull preacher in a country church sent all +the congregation to sleep, except an idiot, +who sat with open mouth, listening. The +parson became enraged, and, thumping the +pulpit, exclaimed, "What! all asleep but this +poor idiot!" "Aye," replied the lad, "and +if I had not been a poor idiot, I should have +been asleep too."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-welsh-wig-ging"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id240">A WELSH WIG-GING</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An Englishman and a Welshman were +disputing in whose country was the best living. +Said the Welshman, "There is such noble +housekeeping in Wales, that I have known +above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding +dinner." "Ay," answered the Englishman, +"that was because every man toasted his own +cheese."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="forgiveness"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id241">FORGIVENESS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"I intend to pray that you may forgive +Casey for having thrown that brick at you," +said the parson, when he called to see a man +who had been worsted in a mêlée. "Mebbe +yer riv'rence 'ud be saving toime if ye'd just +wait till Oi git well, an' then pray for Casey," +replied the patient.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="an-odd-comparison"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id242">AN ODD COMPARISON</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Sir William B----, speaking at a parish +meeting, made some proposals which were +objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, +"Sir," says he to the farmer, "do you know +that I have been at the two Universities, and +at two colleges in each University?" "Well, +sir," said the farmer, "what of that? I had +a calf that sucked two cows, and the more +he sucked, the greater calf he grew."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="acoustics"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id243">ACOUSTICS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his +great room in York Buildings, for public +orations, he happened at that time to be +behindhand in his payments to his workmen; +and coming one day among them to see how +they were working, he ordered one of them to +get into the rostrum and make a speech, that +he might observe how it could be heard. The +fellow mounting and scratching his pate, told +him he knew not what to say, for in truth +he was no orator. "Oh!" said the knight, +"no matter for that, speak any thing that comes +uppermost." "Why here, Sir Richard," says +the fellow, "we have been working for you +these six months, and cannot get one penny +of money. Pray, Sir, when do you intend to +pay us?" "Very well, very well," said Sir +Richard; "pray come down; I have heard +enough; I cannot but own that you speak +very distinctly, though I don't much admire +your subject."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="sharp-if-not-pleasant"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id244">SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A boy was feeding a magpie when a +gentleman in the neighbourhood, who had an +impediment in his speech, coming up, said, +"T-T-T-Tom, can your mag t-t-talk yet?" +"Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than you, or +I'd wring his head off."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="bright-and-sharp"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id245">BRIGHT AND SHARP</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A little boy having been much praised for +his quickness of reply, a gentleman present +observed, that when children were keen in +their youth, they were generally stupid and +dull when they were advanced in years, and +vice versa. "What a very sensible boy, sir, +must you have been!" returned the child.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="softness"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id246">SOFTNESS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A lady and gentleman conversing together, +the latter observed that he always slept in +gloves, because it made his hands so soft. +"Do you sleep in your hat, too?" the lady asked.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="an-easy-qualification"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id247">AN EASY QUALIFICATION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Residence in the parish is, of course, +required of those who desire their banns to +be proclaimed, and an expectant bride and +bridegroom must qualify themselves by +staying several nights in the parish where such +banns are published.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Do you sleep in the parish?" asked a +rector of an intending benedict.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Yes, sir, I have slept through several of +your sermons," was the surprising answer.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="miser-s-charity"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id248">MISER'S CHARITY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An illiterate person, who always volunteered +to "go round with the hat," but was suspected +of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once +a hint to that effect, replied, "Other +gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and +so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what +I give is nothing to nobody."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="on-taking-a-wife"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id249">ON TAKING A WIFE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The great Sheridan, giving his son Tom a +lecture, said, "You have been fooling about +as a bachelor quite long enough. You ought +to settle down and take a wife." Tom +innocently asked, "Whose wife shall I take?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-thirty-nine-articles"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id250">THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A Bishop, arriving at the end of a railway +journey, the porter began collecting his +luggage, and said: "How many articles are +there, sir?" "Thirty-nine," replied the +Bishop imperturbably. The porter hunted +round, then said in despair: "There are only +fourteen here, sir." "Ah," said the Bishop, +smiling, "you are evidently a dissenter."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-duchess-and-the-canons"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id251">THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A good story of the late portly Duchess of +Teck was told by Canon Teignmouth Shore. +Her Royal Highness was seated at dinner +between Shore and another canon when the +former said that she must find herself in +rather an alarming position:--</p> +<blockquote> +<div> +<p class="pfirst">"Canon to right of you, +Canon to left of you, +Volleys and thunders."</p> +</div> +</blockquote> +<p class="pfirst">"Well," replied the Duchess, "this is the +very first time I have been connected with the +Light Brigade."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="how-to-win"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id252">HOW TO WIN</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Why is it, Dennis, that you are always +fighting with Willie Simpkins? I never hear +of you quarrelling with any of the other boys +in the neighbourhood." "He's the only one +I can lick," answered Dennis.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="pigs"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id253">PIGS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The squire rides up to a farmhouse, and, +seeing the small son of the farmer outside, +asks the youngster where his father is, and +gets the following reply: "Father is in yonder +field with the pigs. You'll know him--he's got +a 'at on!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="bacon-and-the-devil"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id254">BACON AND THE DEVIL</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A Quaker bought from one Bacon a horse +which proved to be unsound. Meeting the +seller shortly after he taxed him with bad +faith and asked him to take the horse back +again. But this he refused to do, and finding +his remonstrances in vain the Quaker +addressed him thus very calmly, "Friend, thou +hast doubtless heard of the devil entering the +herd of swine, and I find that he still sticks +fast to the bacon. Good morning to thee, friend."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="hints-to-mothers"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id255">HINTS TO MOTHERS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The inventor of a new feeding bottle for +infants sent out the following among his +directions for using: "When the baby is done +drinking it must be unscrewed and laid in a +cool place under the hydrant. If the baby +does not thrive on fresh milk, it should be +boiled."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="garrick-and-the-doctor-s-fee"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id256">GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A doctor accustomed to high fees had been +attending Garrick, charging two guineas a +visit. The patient began to grudge this sum +and at length decided to halve it, and on the +termination of a visit handed the doctor the +fee which he had resolved was sufficient. The +physician began looking about him as though +in search of something. He was asked if he +had lost anything. "Sir," replied the doctor, +"I believe I have dropped a guinea." "No, +doctor," said the patient with quiet +significance, "it is I that have dropped a guinea."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-safe-shot"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id257">A SAFE SHOT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A City gentleman was invited down to the +country for "a day with the birds." His aim +was not remarkable for its accuracy, to the +great disgust of the man in attendance, whose +tip was generally regulated by the size of the +bag. "Dear me!" at last exclaimed the +sportsman, "but the birds seem exceptionally +strong on the wing this year!" "Not all of +them, sir," was the answer. "You've shot at +the same bird about a dozen times. 'E's +a-follering you about, sir." "Following me +about? Nonsense! Why should a bird do +that?" "Well, sir," came the reply, "I +dunno, I'm sure, unless it's for safety."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="how-to-induce-perspiration"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id258">HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">It is well known that the veterans who +preside at the examinations of surgeons +question minutely those who wish to become +qualified. After answering very satisfactorily +the numerous enquiries made, a young +gentleman was asked, if he wished to give his +patient a profuse perspiration, what would he +prescribe? He mentioned many diaphoretic +medicines in case the first failed, but the +unmerciful questioner thus continued, "Pray, +sir, suppose none of those succeeded, what +step would you take next?" "Why, sir," +enjoined the harassed young Esculapius, "I +would send him here to be examined; and +if that did not give him a sweat, I do not +know what would."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="differences"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id259">DIFFERENCES</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Someone was endeavouring to convince a +certain old lady by quotations from Scripture +on some point or other. "You see, Madam," +said he, "St. Paul in his Epistle to the +Ephesians says," and he repeated the passage +to her (as he thought, very impressively). +"Yes," replied the lady, very collectedly, +"I know all about that; but that's just where +Paul and I differ!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="coals"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id260">COALS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">During the high price of coals, a gentleman, +meeting his coal-merchant, asked whether it +was a good time to lay in a stock? The +knight of the black diamonds shook his head, +saying, "Coals are coals now, sir." To which +his customer replied, "I am very glad to hear +it, for the last you sent me were all slates."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="modesty"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id261">MODESTY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Uncle George gave a children's party. +Janet, aged eight, after a silence asked him +to help her to some more jam. "Certainly, +Janet, but why not help yourself?" The +answer came pat, "Because I thought you'd +give me more."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="an-unfortunate-remark"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id262">AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Two ladies, sisters, of whom one was a +widow and the other with a husband still +living in India, called at a house, and on the +former leaving, a gentleman offered to escort +her to her carriage. But the sisters resembled +each other so much that he mistook the +widow for the married one, and when she +remarked to him, on the way to the door, how +very hot it was, he replied, "Yes, but not so +hot as where your husband is!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="modern-education"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id263">MODERN EDUCATION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Two navvies were arguing on education of +the present day.</p> +<p class="pnext">One was of opinion that it was practically +of little use, the other that it was of the +greatest value. "Look at my boy Jack," he +said, "he can answer any question you like to +ask him. Here he comes, bringing my dinner. +You ask him anything you like." "Jack," +said the other, "your father tells me you are +getting on well at school. How many are +seven and four?" "Twelve," was the prompt reply.</p> +<p class="pnext">"There you are," said the proud father, +"right, within one, first blooming guess."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="id4"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id264">THE RULING PASSION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">One of the chosen people, who was +condemned to be hanged, was brought to the +gallows, and was just on the point of being +turned off, when a reprieve arrived. Moses +was informed of this, and it was expected he +would instantly have quitted the cart, but he +stayed to see his two fellow-prisoners hanged; +and being asked why he did not get about his +business, he said, "He waited to see if he +could bargain with the hangman for the two +shentlemen's clo'."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="education"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id265">EDUCATION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Education is a good thing, Tim, an' don't +you run it down." "Ever had any of it, Pat?" +"Me? Well, I should say yes. I went to +night school all one winter." "An' what did +you get to show for it, Pat?" "What did I +get? I got four overcoats, three hats, and +seven umbrellas. Don't you tell me that going +to school is a waste of time."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-long-grace"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id266">A LONG GRACE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A parish minister was in the habit of +preaching two sermons on a Sunday morning to save +his parishioners another journey to church. +A young girl in the congregation became so +tired and hungry that at the beginning of the +second sermon she whispered to her +grandmother, who accompanied her, "Come awa', +granny, and gang hame, this is a lang grace, +and na meat."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-use-of-false-teeth"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id267">THE USE OF FALSE TEETH</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The dinner had been a huge success, and a +highly ornamented pie was much praised. +The cook having been complimented was +asked how she had managed to impart so +much artistic taste into the design. "Well, +mum," she replied, "I did it with your false +teeth."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="how-to-collect"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id268">HOW TO COLLECT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A public man was appealing on behalf of a +certain charity, when a note was handed up +to him asking if it would be right for a +bankrupt to contribute in response to his appeal. +The speaker referred to this in the course of +his lecture and said decidedly that such a +person could not do so in Christian honesty. +"But, my friends," he added, "I would advise +you who are not insolvent not to pass the +plate this evening, as if you do the people +will be sure to say: 'There's another bankrupt!'"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="impersonation"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id269">IMPERSONATION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst"><em class="italics">Captain</em>: "What's he charged with, Casey?"</p> +<p class="pnext"><em class="italics">Officer</em>: "I don't know the regular name +fer it, captain; but I caught him a-flirting in +the park."</p> +<p class="pnext"><em class="italics">Captain</em>: "Ah, that's impersonatin' an officer."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-smart-retort"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id270">A SMART RETORT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst"><em class="italics">Facetious Doctor</em> (to artist): "The pictures +which hang on the walls are your failures, I +suppose?"</p> +<p class="pnext"><em class="italics">Dyspeptic Artist</em>: "Yes. And that's where +you doctors have the pull over us. You can +bury yours."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="truth-will-out"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id271">TRUTH WILL OUT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Jim was being chastised by his father, and +a passer-by stopped to enquire the reason for +the punishment. He was informed that Jim +had not locked up the chicken house the +previous night. "But surely that's not a +very bad offence: the chickens are sure to +come home again." The father replied +hurriedly, "That's just where the trouble is, +Mister, they wouldn't <em class="italics">come</em> home; they'd <em class="italics">go</em> home."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="sunday-afternoon-services"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id272">SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A young and energetic curate suggested to +the vicar that Sunday afternoon services +should be held in the church for the school +children.</p> +<p class="pnext">The Vicar gave his consent, and on the +following Sunday afternoon the curate +marshalled the children in the churchyard four +a-breast to march into the church.</p> +<p class="pnext">He selected the hymn "Onward, Christian +soldiers," and decided to conduct them into +the church, in real Salvation Army style, +walking backwards.</p> +<p class="pnext">On entering the church they commenced +the verse, "See the mighty army, Satan +leading on;" and he wondered why the +congregation laughed.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-new-dish"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id273">A NEW DISH</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A shoemaker in Dublin, getting on well in +the way of business, became proud. One day +there were customers in the shop when the +shop-boy came in to say that the mistress bid +him say dinner was ready. "What's for +dinner, sir?" asked the shoemaker. "Herrings, +sir," answered the boy. "All right," said the +shoemaker, and when he went up to dinner +he reprimanded the boy for not mentioning +something decent and big, telling the boy +always to mention a good feed when there +were any people in the shop. A few days +afterwards the boy came to say that dinner +was ready. "What's for dinner, sir?" asked +the shoemaker. "Fish, sir," answered the +boy. "What sort of fish?" asked the +shoemaker. "A whale, sir," answered the boy.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="full-of-pluck"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id274">FULL OF PLUCK</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst"><em class="italics">Countryman</em> (to dentist): "I wouldn't pay +nothin' extra for gas. Jest pull her out, even +if it does hurt."</p> +<p class="pnext"><em class="italics">Dentist</em>: "You are plucky, sir. Let me see +the tooth."</p> +<p class="pnext"><em class="italics">Countryman</em>: "Oh, 'tain't me that's got +the toothache; it's me wife. She'll be here in +a minute."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="candid-on-both-sides"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id275">CANDID ON BOTH SIDES</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"I rise for information," said a member +of the legislative body. "I am very glad to +hear it," said a bystander, "for no man wants +it more."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-law-and-the-prophets"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id276">THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A dispute about precedence once arose +between a Bishop and a Judge, and, after +some altercation, the latter thought he would +quite confound his opponent by quoting the +passage, "For on these two hang all the Law +and the Prophets." "Do you not see," said +the lawyer in triumph, "that even in this +passage of Scripture, <em class="italics">we</em> are mentioned first?" +"I grant you," said the Bishop, "<em class="italics">you</em> hang first."</p> +<p class="pnext">LUCUS A NON LUCENDO</p> +<p class="pnext">A man living in a quiet country place +invited a neighbour to dine and spend the +evening with him. The night being dark, +when it was time to go, the guest, who had +done himself very well, begged to be allowed to +borrow a large lantern in the hall to light +him on his way. The next day the host sent +his servant round with the following note: +"Dear old chap, I shall be glad to have back +my parrot and cage if you have finished with it."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-isle-of-man-and-a-woman"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id277">THE ISLE OF MAN, AND A WOMAN</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A lady was telling her doctor that her maid +objected to going to the Isle of Wight again, +as the climate "was not embracing enough," +and added, "What am I to do with such a +woman?" The doctor replied, "You had +better take her to the Isle of Man."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-cunning-elder"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id278">A CUNNING ELDER</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A canny Scot had got himself installed in +the eldership of the church, and, in +consequence, had for some time carried round the +ladle for the collections. He had accepted the +office of elder because some wag had made +him believe that the remuneration was +six-pence each Sunday, with a bag of meal on +New Year's Day. When the time arrived, he +claimed his reward, but was told he had been +hoaxed. "It may be sae wi' the meal," he +said coolly, "but I took care of the saxpences +mysel'."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="as-you-like-it"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id279">AS YOU LIKE IT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An old Scotch laird used to say he didn't +care how he dressed when in London, +"because nobody knew him." And he didn't care +how he dressed when at home, "because +everybody knew him."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="unnecessary-civility"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id280">UNNECESSARY CIVILITY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Said the youth, in a triumphant tone, to the +maid he was about to marry, "Weel, Jenny, +haven't I been unco ceevil?" alluding to the +circumstance that during their whole +courtship he had never even given her a kiss. Her +quiet reply was, "Oo, ay, man--senselessly ceevil."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="at-the-sign-of-the-barber-s-pole"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id281">AT THE SIGN OF THE BARBER'S POLE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The scene was a hairdresser's, the front of +which was so arranged that passers-by could +see what was taking place. A small boy +approached and observed the process of +hair-cutting with some interest; the singeing of a +customer surprised the lad, who called to his +chum, "Blimey, Charley, they're looking for +'em with a light now."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="an-identification-plate"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id282">AN IDENTIFICATION PLATE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Two Cockney boys were examining the +mummies at the British Museum for the first +time, and one of them was much puzzled by +the labels denoting the age of the contents. +"I wonder what those figures mean?" said +Charley, stopping before an exhibit marked +B.C. 1500. "Garn, silly, don't you know? +That's the number of the motor what run over 'im."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="table-of-comparison"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id283">TABLE OF COMPARISON</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">To instil into the mind of his son sound +wisdom and business precepts was Cohen +senior's earnest endeavour. He taught his +offspring much, including the advantages of +bankruptcy, failures, and fires. "Two +bankruptcies equal one failure, two failures equal +one fire," etc. Then Cohen junior looked up +brightly.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Fadder," he asked, "is marriage a failure?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"Vell, my poy," was the parent's reply, +"if you marry a really wealthy woman, +marriage is almost as good as a failure."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-intelligent-cat"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id284">THE INTELLIGENT CAT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Two suburban gardeners were swearing +vengeance on cats.</p> +<p class="pnext">"It appears to me," one said, that "they +seem to pick out the choicest plants to scratch +out of the ground."</p> +<p class="pnext">"There's a big tomcat," the other said, +"that fetches my plants out and then sits +and actually defies me."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Why don't you hurl a brick at him?" +asked the first speaker.</p> +<p class="pnext">"That's what makes me mad," was the +reply. "I can't. He gets on top of my +greenhouse to defy me."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="hear-hear"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id285">HEAR! HEAR!</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">At a local "Parliament" a member much +annoyed the House by continually interrupting +the speakers with cries of "Hear! Hear!" +One of the latter took the opportunity of +alluding to a well-known political character +of the times, whom he represented as a person +who wished to play the rogue, but had only +sense enough to play the fool. "Where," he +exclaimed with emphatic continuation, "where +shall we find a more foolish knave or a more +knavish fool than this?" "Hear! Hear!" +was instantly shouted from the usual seat. The +speaker bowed and sat down amidst +convulsions of laughter.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="misplacing-the-blame"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id286">MISPLACING THE BLAME</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"O-o-oo-oh! Bo-o-o-ho-oo!"</p> +<p class="pnext">As the childish wail rang through the house +the anxious mother sprang to her feet. Rushing +into the hall, she met her little daughter +coming in from the garden and carrying a +broken doll by the leg.</p> +<p class="pnext">"What's the matter, darling?" she asked tenderly.</p> +<p class="pnext">"O-o-oh, m-o-ther," howled the child, +"Willie's broken my do-oll!"</p> +<p class="pnext">"The naughty boy! How did he do it?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"I-I-I hit him on the head wiv it!" was +the slow response.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="why-hanging-causes-death"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id287">WHY HANGING CAUSES DEATH</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A humorist asked a medical man, with +an air of great seriousness, "Why does +hanging kill a man?" "Because," began, the +explanation, "inspiration is checked, +circulation is stopped, and blood suffuses and +congests the brain----" "Bosh!" +interrupted the wag, "it is because the rope is +not long enough to let his feet touch the ground."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="moral-qualifications"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id288">MORAL QUALIFICATIONS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A very strong-minded Scotchwoman had +been asking the character of a cook she was +about to engage. The lady whom the servant +was leaving naturally entered a little upon +her moral qualifications, and described her as +a very decent woman. To which the +first-named replied, "Oh, d--n her decency, can +she make good porridge?"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="measuring-his-distance"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id289">MEASURING HIS DISTANCE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A brow-beating counsel asked a witness how +far he had been from a certain place. "Just +four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the +reply. "How came you to be so exact, my +friend?" "Because I expected some fool or +other would ask me, and so I measured it."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="agricultural-experiences"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id290">AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A Suffolk clergyman asked a schoolboy +what was meant in the Catechism by succouring +his father and mother. "Giving on 'em +milk," was the prompt reply.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-latin-for-cold"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id291">THE LATIN FOR COLD</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A schoolmaster asked one of his scholars, in +the winter time, what was the Latin for cold. +"Oh! sir," answered the lad, "I forget at +this moment, although I have it at my fingers' ends."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-cut-direct"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id292">THE CUT DIRECT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A gentleman having his hair cut was asked +by the garrulous operator how he would have +it done?--"If possible," replied the +gentleman, "in silence."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="common-want"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id293">COMMON WANT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">In the midst of a stormy discussion, a +gentleman rose to settle the matter in dispute. +Waving his hands majestically over the excited +disputants, he began:</p> +<p class="pnext">"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense----"</p> +<p class="pnext">"Exactly," interrupted the chairman, "that +is precisely what you <em class="italics">do</em> want!"</p> +<p class="pnext">The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="not-to-be-beaten"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id294">NOT TO BE BEATEN</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A Highlander who prided himself on being +able to play any tune on the pipes perched +himself on the side of one of his native hills +one Sunday morning and commenced blowing +for all he was worth.</p> +<p class="pnext">Presently the minister came along and, +going up to MacDougall with the intention of +severely reprimanding him, asked in a very +harsh voice, "MacDougall, do you know the +Ten Commandments?"</p> +<p class="pnext">MacDougall scratched his chin for a moment +and then, in an equally harsh voice, said:</p> +<p class="pnext">"D'ye think you've beat me? Just whistle +the first three or four bars, and I'll hae a try +at it."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="an-odd-notion"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id295">AN ODD NOTION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A lady the other day meeting a girl who +had lately left her service, inquired, "Well, +Mary, where do you live now?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"Please, ma'am, I don't live nowhere now," +replied the girl; "I'm married!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="if"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id296">"IF----"</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Faith, and it's meself as 'ill niver foind +my shilling by the loight of a match. If I +'adn't 'ave lost it I could 'ave bought a +flashloight to foind it with."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="late-and-early"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id297">LATE AND EARLY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">The regular routine of clerkly business ill +suited the literary tastes and the wayward +habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India +House, a superior said to him, "I have +remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very +late to the office." "Yes, sir," replied the wit, +"but see how early I go!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-slight-difference"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id298">A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"I keep an excellent table," said a lady, +disputing with one of her boarders. "That +may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put +very little upon it."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="sharp-boy"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id299">SHARP BOY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A mother admonishing her son (a lad about +seven years of age), told him he should never +defer till to-morrow what he could do to-day. +The little urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's +eat the remainder of the plum-pudding tonight."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-sentry-and-his-watch"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id300">THE SENTRY AND HIS WATCH</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Soldiers must be fearfully dishonest," said +a dear old lady in a country village, "as it +seems to be a nightly occurrence for a sentry +to be relieved of his watch."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="credit"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id301">CREDIT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A beautiful girl stepped into an American +store and asked for a pair of gloves. "Why," +said a gallant but impudent clerk, "you may +have them for a kiss." "Agreed," said the +young lady, pocketing the gloves, and her +eyes speaking daggers; "agreed; and as I +see you give credit, you may charge it in your +books, and collect it the best way you can."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="unkind"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id302">UNKIND</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An indifferent artist, who thought himself +an excellent painter, was talking pompously +about decorating the ceiling of his +drawing-room. "I am white-washing it," said he, +"and in a short time I shall begin painting." +"I think," replied one of his audience, "you +had better paint it first, and white-wash it +afterwards."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="not-compulsory"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id303">NOT COMPULSORY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A haughty gentleman entering a restaurant +was accosted by the waiter with the inquiry, +"Soup, sir? Soup, sir?" The customer +took no notice and calmly removed his +overcoat, on which the waiter reiterated his +question. Becoming angry, the gentleman +said, "Is it compulsory?" "No," was the +reply, "It's oxtail, sir."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="you-ll-get-there-before-i-can-tell-you"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id304">"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU!"</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A Fellow of Jesus College was handicapped +by stammering, but when he used bad words +he could talk fluently. In one of his solitary +rambles a countryman met him and inquired +the road. "Tu-u-rn," was the reply, +"to-to-to--" and so on for a minute or two; at last +he burst out, "Confound it, man! you'll get +there before I can tell you!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="an-unhappy-benedict"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id305">AN UNHAPPY BENEDICT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A poor man came to his minister and begged +to be unmarried, for he was very unhappy. +The minister assured him that was out of +the question, and urged him to put away the +notion of anything so absurd. The man +insisted that the marriage could not hold good, +for the wife was worse than the devil. The +minister demurred saying that was quite +impossible. "Na," said the poor man, "the +Bible tells ye that if ye resist the deil he flees +frae ye, but if ye resist her she flees at ye."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-difficult-task"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id306">A DIFFICULT TASK</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A school inspector, finding that the boys +whom he was examining were inattentive, +endeavoured to pull them together.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Now then," said he, "will somebody +please give me a number and watch how I +make the figures?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"74," called out a youth, and the class +gazed while the inspector wrote on the board 47.</p> +<p class="pnext">Another number was called for and a boy +cried out "65" the inspector turned round +and wrote 56. As the class took no notice the +inspector became annoyed, and asked the boys +if they noticed nothing different in the figures. +Nobody replied, so he thought he would make +another attempt and called again for a number. +A long pause ensued, but at last a boy stood up +and said 33, adding in a low tone, "See what +you can do to twist that round."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="non-runners"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id307">NON-RUNNERS</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An old lady wrote to the S.P.C.A. to protest +against the cruel practice of scratching horses. +She called special attention to a reference in the +morning paper saying that three horses had +been scratched on the day of the race--a most +cruel and barbarous thing to do.</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-polite-countryman"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id308">THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An Englishman being doubtful of his way +inquired if he were on the right road to +Dunkeld. With the national inquisitiveness +about strangers the countryman asked his +inquirer where he came from. Offended at the +liberty as he considered it, the traveller +reminded the man that where he came from +was nothing to him, but all the reply he got +was the quiet rejoinder. "Indeed, it's just as +little to me whar ye'r gaen."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-violent-partner"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id309">A VIOLENT PARTNER</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A gentleman well-known for the violence of +his temper had occasion to escort a lady down +to dinner one evening. Unfortunately the +lady was extremely deaf, of which fact her +partner was unaware.</p> +<p class="pnext">After they were seated, the gentleman +addressed the lady, "Madam, may I have the +honour to help you to some fish?" But he got +no reply; after a pause but still in the most +courteous accents, "Madam, have I your +permission to send you some fish?" Then a little +quicker, "Are you inclined to take fish?" +Very quick, and rather peremptory, "Madam, +do you choose fish?" At last the storm +burst, and to everybody's consternation, with +a loud thump on the table and stamp on the +floor, "D---- you, will you have any fish!"</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="id5"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id310">WISDOM</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An Irishman, being asked the meaning of +the phrase "posthumous works" readily +answered, "Why, to be sure, they are the +books that a man writes after he is dead."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-doubtful-point"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id311">A DOUBTFUL POINT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A minister engaged in visiting members in +his parish came to the door of a house where +his gentle tapping could not be heard for the +noise of discussion within. After waiting a +little, he opened the door and walked in, saying +in an authoritative voice, "I should like to +know who is the head of this house."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Well, sir," said the husband, and father, +"if you will sit down for a little while, maybe +we'll be able to tell you, for that is the very +point we are now trying to settle."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-better-way"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id312">THE BETTER WAY</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A loin of mutton was on a table, and the +gentleman opposite to it took the carving +knife in hand. "Shall I cut it <em class="italics">saddlewise</em>?" +he asked. "You had better cut it <em class="italics">bridlewise</em>," +replied the master of the house, "for then we +shall all stand a better chance to get a bit in +our mouths."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="id6"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id313">A GOOD REASON</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">"Janet, I think you hardly behave very +respectfully to your own minister in one +respect," said the minister of a Scottish church +to an inattentive member of his congregation.</p> +<p class="pnext">"Me, sir," exclaimed Janet, "I wad like to see +ony man, no to say ony woman, but yoursel +say that o' me! what can you mean, sir?"</p> +<p class="pnext">"Well, Janet, ye ken when I preach, you're +almost always fast asleep before I've well +given out my text; but when any of these +young men from other parishes preach for me, +I see you never sleep a wink. Now, that's +what I call no using me as you should do."</p> +<p class="pnext">"Hoot, sir," was the reply, "is that a'? +I'll sune tell you the reason of that. When +you preach we a' ken the word of God's safe in +your hands; but when these young birkies +tak' it in haun, my certie, but it tak's us a' +to look after them."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-new-text"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id314">A NEW TEXT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A man having been to church and slept +through the greater part of the service was +asked by his wife on reaching home what text +had been used for the sermon. The husband, +confused at the question and unwilling to show +his ignorance stuttered out, "What profiteth +it a man if he lose the whole world and gain +his own soul."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="an-auction"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id315">AN AUCTION</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">Among the conditions of sale by an Irish +auctioneer was the following: "The highest +bidder to be the buyer, unless some gentleman +bids more."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="a-real-sport"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id316">A REAL SPORT</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">A man went out rabbit-shooting, but could +not get any sport. "So," said he, "I lay +down where they could not see me, and made +a noise like a turnip."</p> +</div> +<div class="level-2 section" id="the-scotchman-s-souvenir"> +<h2 class="level-2 pfirst section-title title"><a class="toc-backref" href="#id317">THE SCOTCHMAN'S SOUVENIR</a></h2> +<p class="pfirst">An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman +who had been on holidays were comparing +the souvenirs they had collected. The Englishman +had a bust of Shakespeare from +Stratford-on-Avon, the Irishman a matchbox of bog +oak. "Oh," said the Scotchman, "you can't +beat this," and he produced a tea-spoon +marked "L.&N.W.R."</p> +<div class="center line-block noindent outermost small"> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="inner line-block"> +<div class="line">PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN BY</div> +<div class="line">WM. BRENDON AND SON. LTD.,</div> +<div class="line">PLYMOUTH.</div> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line"> </div> +<div class="line"> </div> +</div> +</div> +<!-- -*- encoding: utf-8 -*- --> +<div class="backmatter"> +</div> +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 39202 ***</div> +</body> +</html> |