diff options
Diffstat (limited to '39202.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 39202.txt | 4906 |
1 files changed, 0 insertions, 4906 deletions
diff --git a/39202.txt b/39202.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 8841837..0000000 --- a/39202.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4906 +0,0 @@ - EVER HEARD THIS? - - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost -no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it -under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this -eBook or online at http://www.gutenberg.org/license. - - -Title: Ever Heard This? - Over Three Hundred Good Stories - -Author: F. W. Chambers - -Release Date: March 19, 2012 [EBook #39202] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: US-ASCII - - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK EVER HEARD THIS?*** - - - - -Produced by Al Haines. - - - -[Illustration: Cover art] - - - - EVER HEARD THIS? - - OVER THREE HUNDRED GOOD STORIES - - - - BY - - F. W. CHAMBERS - - - - THIRD EDITION - - - - - METHUEN & CO. LTD. - 36 ESSEX STREET W.C. - LONDON - - - - - First Published ...... October 27th 1916 - Second Edition ...... November 1916 - Third Edition ...... December 1916 - - - - ---- - - - - -CONTENTS - - - WHAT HE WANTED - HIS CHOICE - NOT IN THE REGULATIONS - CHEAP TALK - SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT - A CANDID CRITIC - WHAT'S IN A NAME - WHY BROWN LEFT - AN ASS'S SHADOW - GRACE - MISUNDERSTOOD - TRUMPS - THE STUTTERER - PRESENT AND FUTURE - THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE - A PASSOVER STORY - EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE - BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER - A GOOD PUN - SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT - THE UNWELCOME GUEST - A LOST BALANCE - A BAD CROP - NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES - JAW-ACHE - HER PROGRAMME - THE PROUD FATHER - A MIRACLE - KEEPING TIME - QUESTION AND ANSWER - MOTHER'S JAM POTS - WISDOM - WHY NOT? - THE OLD FARMER - ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER - TACT - THE RETORT RUDE - THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE - CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP - THE BEST JUDGE - A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE - A SHIPWRECK - A SAFE CASE - THE WATCH MENDER - THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS - HIGH PRINCIPLES - THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE - CANNY SCOT - A NICE DISTINCTION - NOT TWO-FACED - CLERICAL WIT - A COSTLY EXPERIMENT - A GOOD REASON - ECONOMY IN THE STABLE - THE PATRIARCH - HIGH AND LOW - BEER - NOT IMPORTUNATE - THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON - UNION IS STRENGTH - COURTSHIP - TO LET - CUT AND COME AGAIN - THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT - KISMET - THE YOUNG IDEA - THE NEW BABY - HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES - THE SHE BEAR - KNOWLEDGE - A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS - THE EARLY BIRD - TABLE TALK - TROUBLES - A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND - DRY HUMOUR - THE CHURCH ORGAN - COMMON PRAYER - SHORT COMMONS - TRUTH - A WRONG CHOICE - FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD - A CHARACTER - HUSBAND OR COW - A NEW METHOD - GRATITUDE NOT APPRECIATED - ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD - COLD FEET - BUSYBODIES - ALDERMANIC TASTES - "WARRANTED TO KILL" - PROFESSIONAL - THE NEW VERSION - DRAUGHTS - TENDERNESS - HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP - HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE - A GOOD EXAMPLE - A MISFIT - A CHEERFUL INVITATION - THE INEVITABLE RESULT - JUSTICE - THAT AWFUL CHILD - A COSMOPOLITAN - CLOTHES AND THE MAN - A WITTY REPLY - THE SOUND OF A TRUMPET - GRAMMAR - ONE SIDE AT A TIME - COMPANY - HER OWN FAULT - A POSER - YOUTHFUL PRECOCITY - ABOVE PROOF - ON DEATH - ENVY - A HAT FOR NOTHING - AN OLD PROVERB - PRO BONO PUBLICO - A NEW RECIPE - NOT A WAXWORK - THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU - TIPS - JUSTICE - DEAD AS A DOORNAIL - FAITH - JOB'S CURSE - A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION - THE RULING PASSION - FELO-DE-SE - HOW TO GET WARM - NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR - OF COMPOSITIONS - PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER - THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF - ANTICIPATION - HYMNS AND HERS - HORS CONCOURS - THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE - A UNITED COUPLE - WET PAINT - TICK, TICK, TICK - DIFFIDENCE - THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED - IMAGINATION - UNREMITTING KINDNESS - A WARM PROSPECT - A SOPORIFIC STORY - ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS - THE LOST JOINT - THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN - ALL MEN ARE LIARS - AN OBJECT LESSON - A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT - "SOMEWHERE" - THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE - WAR AND TAXES - A MODERN ALFRED - CHARITY ON CREDIT - COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT - THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER - THE EMPTY BOTTLE - H2O - AN ACCIDENT - TOUCH HIM UP - A SMART BOY - WEARING ROUGE - THE POOR LANDLORD - THE DAY OF REST - NOT TO BE CAUGHT - MOLECULES - A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN - TWINS - A NATURAL OBJECTION - BADLY PUT - A DOUBTFUL MARKET - SEQUENCES - TWO POINTS OF VIEW - A CANNIBAL - TO LET--UNFURNISHED - A FRIEND OF SATAN - THE TEDDY BEAR - BROTHERLY LOVE - CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES - MULTIPLICATION - A BIBLICAL STORY - THE THOUGHTFUL MAID - HEMP - GOOD ADVICE - CHANGE AND REST - THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM - THE WAY TO YORK - THE WAY TO DO IT - LOT AND THE FLEA - WHIST - A NEW PRESCRIPTION - JACOB'S LADDER - A PORTRAIT - BLOATERS - A CONVENIENCE - THE PRAYER MEETING - TAKING TIME - KING'S EVIDENCE - A PLEASANT PROSPECT - BALAAM'S SWORD - THE HONORARIUM - MANNERS - SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING - THE AVERAGE EGG - FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE - THE G.O.M. - A NEAT RETORT - A SYDNEY SMITH STORY - A COMMON DIFFICULTY - MARY JONES - DONALD COMPLIED - VEGETARIANISM - FELLOW-FEELING - JONAH AND THE WHALE - WHOLLY GOOD - "CAREFUL, NOW!" - SAFETY - O'BRIEN THE LUCID - MERCY - A BULL - A GOOD REASON - THE ARREST - CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM - SOLITUDE - A QUESTION OF NUMBERS - AMERICAN POULTRY - GRACE MAL A PROPOS - THE POOR IDIOT - A WELSH WIG-GING - FORGIVENESS - AN ODD COMPARISON - ACOUSTICS - SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT - BRIGHT AND SHARP - SOFTNESS - AN EASY QUALIFICATION - MISER'S CHARITY - ON TAKING A WIFE - THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES - THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS - HOW TO WIN - PIGS - BACON AND THE DEVIL - HINTS TO MOTHERS - GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE - A SAFE SHOT - HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION - DIFFERENCES - COALS - MODESTY - AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK - MODERN EDUCATION - THE RULING PASSION - EDUCATION - A LONG GRACE - THE USE OF FALSE TEETH - HOW TO COLLECT - IMPERSONATION - A SMART RETORT - TRUTH WILL OUT - SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES - A NEW DISH - FULL OF PLUCK - CANDID ON BOTH SIDES - THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS - THE ISLE OF MAN, AND A WOMAN - A CUNNING ELDER - AS YOU LIKE IT - UNNECESSARY CIVILITY - AT THE SIGN OF THE BARBER'S POLE - AN IDENTIFICATION PLATE - TABLE OF COMPARISON - THE INTELLIGENT CAT - HEAR! HEAR! - MISPLACING THE BLAME - WHY HANGING CAUSES DEATH - MORAL QUALIFICATIONS - MEASURING HIS DISTANCE - AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES - THE LATIN FOR COLD - THE CUT DIRECT - COMMON WANT - NOT TO BE BEATEN - AN ODD NOTION - "IF----" - LATE AND EARLY - A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE - SHARP BOY - THE SENTRY AND HIS WATCH - CREDIT - UNKIND - NOT COMPULSORY - "YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU!" - AN UNHAPPY BENEDICT - A DIFFICULT TASK - NON-RUNNERS - THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN - A VIOLENT PARTNER - WISDOM - A DOUBTFUL POINT - THE BETTER WAY - A GOOD REASON - A NEW TEXT - AN AUCTION - A REAL SPORT - THE SCOTCHMAN'S SOUVENIR - - ---- - - EVER HEARD THIS? - - - - - -WHAT HE WANTED - - -A lover and his lass sought a secluded lane, but to their disgust a -small boy arrived there too. Said the lover: - -"Here's a penny. Go and get some sweets." - -"I don't want any sweets." - -"Well, here's a shilling. Run away." - -"I don't want a shilling." - -"Then here's half a crown." - -"I don't want half a crown." - -"Well, what do you want?" - -"I want to watch." - - - - -HIS CHOICE - - -A little boy, who had had some insight into the disposal of surplus -kittens, on being shown his mother's newly arrived twins, laid his -finger on that which struck his fancy, and said, "That's the one I'll -have kept." - - - - -NOT IN THE REGULATIONS - - -A raw Highlander from a northern depot was put on guard at the C.O.'s -tent. In the morning the Colonel looked out, and though he prided -himself on knowing all his men the sentry's face was unfamiliar. - -"Who are you?" he asked. - -"A'am fine, thank ye," was the reply, "an' hoo's yerself?" - - - - -CHEAP TALK - - -Jones was proud of his virtues. "Gentlemen, for twenty years I haven't -touched whisky, cards, told a lie, done an unkind deed, or smoked, or -sworn," he said. - -"By Jove! I wish I could say that," Brown exclaimed enviously. - -"Well, why don't you?" said a mutual friend. "Jones did." - - - - -SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT - - -A Scot and a minister were in a train together travelling through a -lovely part of Scotland. - -Beautiful scenery--mountains, dales, rivers, and all the glories of -Nature. When passing a grand mountain they saw a huge advertisement for -So-and-So's whisky. - -The Scot gave a snort of disgust. The minister leant forward and said, -"I'm glad to see, sir, that you agree with me, that they should not be -allowed to desecrate the beauties of Nature by advertisement." - -"It's no' that, sir," said the Scot bitterly, "it's rotten whusky." - - - - -A CANDID CRITIC - - -Bishop Blomfield, having forgotten his written sermon, once preached _ex -tempore_, for the first and only time in his life, choosing as his text -"The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God." On his way home he -asked one of his congregation how he liked the discourse. "Well, Mr. -Blomfield," replied the man, "I liked the sermon well enough, but I -can't say I agree with you; I think there be a God!" - - - - -WHAT'S IN A NAME - - -A lawyer who was sometimes forgetful, having been engaged to plead the -cause of an offender, began by saying: "I know the prisoner at the bar, -and he bears the character of being a most consummate and impudent -scoundrel." Here somebody whispered to him that the prisoner was his -client, when he immediately continued: "But what great and good man ever -lived who was not calumniated by many of his contemporaries?" - - - - -WHY BROWN LEFT - - -Mr. Brown expressed to his landlady his pleasure in seeing her place a -plate of scraps before the cat. "Oh, yes, sir," she replied. "Wot I -says, Mr. Brown, is, be kind to the cats, and yer'll find it saves yer -'arf the washin'-up." - - - - -AN ASS'S SHADOW - - -A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a very -long face, that he had seen a ghost. "When and where?" said the pastor. -"Last night," replied the timid man, "I was passing by the church, and -up against the wall of it, did I behold the spectre." "In what shape -did it appear?" replied the priest. "It appeared in the shape of a -great ass." "Go home and say not a word about it," rejoined the pastor; -"you are a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow." - - - - -GRACE - - -A precocious child found the long graces used by his father before and -after meals very tedious. One day, when the week's provisions had been -delivered, he said, "I think, father, if you were to say grace over the -whole lot at once, it would be a great saving of time." - - - - -MISUNDERSTOOD - - -A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster was thus accosted by his -landlord: "John, I am going to raise your rent." John replied, "Sir, I -am very much obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself." - - - - -TRUMPS - - -Ayrton, Charles Lamb's friend, only made one joke in his life; it was -this. Lamb had his usual Wednesday-evening gathering, and Martin Burney -and the rest were playing at whist. Ayrton contented himself with -looking on. Presently he said to Burney, in an undertone, the latter -not being notorious for his love of soap and water, "Ah! Martin, if -dirt were trumps, what hands you'd hold!" - - - - -THE STUTTERER - - -An old woman received a letter from the post-office at New York. Not -knowing how to read and being anxious to know the contents, supposing it -to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to read -it to her. He accordingly began and read: "Charleston, June 23rd. Dear -Mother"--then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing -was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed: "Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry, he -always stuttered!" - - - - -PRESENT AND FUTURE - - -A rude young fellow seeing an aged hermit going by him barefoot said, -"Father, you are in a miserable condition if there is not another -world." "True, son," said the hermit, "but what is thy condition if -there is?" - - - - -THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE - - -A London girl visited the country on May Day. She came to a pond whose -shallows were full of tadpoles--thousands and thousands of little black -tadpoles flopping about in an inch of mud and water. "Oh," she said, -"look at the tadpoles! And to think that some day every one of the -horrid, wriggling things will be a beautiful butterfly!" - - - - -A PASSOVER STORY - - -A member of an impecunious family having hurried off to the Continent to -avoid the importunities of his creditors, a celebrated wit remarked, "It -is a pass-over that will not be much relished by the Jews." - - - - -EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE - - -At Durham assizes a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages -against a neighbour, was being examined, when the judge suggested a -compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle -the matter. "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the -learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady's car. -"I thank his lordship kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's -no illconwenience to him, I'll take a little warm ale!" - - - - -BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER - - -"Sir," said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, "will you -tell me if this is a good half-sovereign?" The lawyer, pronouncing the -piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If you'll -send your lad to my office, I'll return the three and fourpence." - - - - -A GOOD PUN - - -Sir G. Rose, the great punster, on observing someone imitating his gait, -said, "You have the stalk without the rose." - - - - -SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT - - -The late Judge C---- one day had occasion to examine a witness who -stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said his -Lordship, "you are a very great rogue." "Not so great a rogue as you, my -lord, t-t-t-takes me to be." - - - - -THE UNWELCOME GUEST - - -A man who was fond of visiting his friends and outstaying his welcome -had been cordially received by a Quaker who treated him with attention -and politeness for some days. At last his host said, "My friend, I am -afraid thee wilt never visit me again." "Oh, yes, I shall," he replied. -"I have enjoyed my visit very much; I will certainly come again." -"Nay," said the Quaker, "I think thee wilt not visit me again." "What -makes you think I shall not come again?" asked the visitor. "If thee -does never leave," said the Quaker, "how canst thee come again?" - - - - -A LOST BALANCE - - -A celebrated wit coming from a bank which had been obliged to close its -doors, slipped down the steps into the arms of a friend. - -"Why, what's the matter?" said the latter. - -"Oh," was the quick reply, "I've only lost my balance." - - - - -A BAD CROP - - -After a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain: and a country -gentleman observed to Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful -rain; I hope it will bring up everything out of the ground." "By Jove, -sir," said Sir John, "I hope not; for I have buried three wives." - - - - -NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES - - -Mr. Pitt was discoursing at a Cabinet dinner on the energy and beauty of -the Latin language. In support of the superiority which he affirmed it -to have over the English, he asserted that two negatives made a thing -more positive than one affirmative possibly could. "Then," said -Thurlow, "your father and mother must have been two complete negatives -to make such a positive fellow as you are!" - - - - -JAW-ACHE - - -"Why, you have never opened your mouth this session," said Sir Thomas -Lethbridge to Mr. Gye; replied Mr. Gye, "Your speeches have made me open -it very frequently. My jaws have ached with yawning." - - - - -HER PROGRAMME - - -Jane had asked for an evening off to go to her first dance. Returning -at a very early hour, she was asked by her master whether she had -enjoyed herself. "No, indeed, sir," she replied, "I was most insulted." -"How was that, Jane?" "I 'adn't been there very long, sir, when a young -man comes up and hactually hasks whether my programme was full. And I'd -only 'ad two sandwiches." - - - - -THE PROUD FATHER - - -"Shure an' it's married Oi am!" said Pat to an old friend he had not -seen for a long time. "You don't mane it?" "Faith, an' it's true. An' -Oi've got a fine healthy bhoy, an' the neighbours say he's the very -picture of me." "Och, niver moind what they say," said Mick. "What's -the harm so long as the child is healthy." - - - - -A MIRACLE - - -An Irish parson of the old school, in whom a perception of the -ridiculous was developed with a Rabelaisian breadth of appreciation, was -asked by a clodhopper to explain the meaning of a miracle. "Walk on a -few paces before me," said his reverence, which having done the peasant -was surprised to feel in the rear a kick, administered with decided -energy. "What did you do that for?" demanded the young man angrily. -"Simply to illustrate my meaning," replied the cleric blandly; "if you -had not felt it, it would have been a miracle." - - - - -KEEPING TIME - - -A gentleman at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, how he -should stir the fire without interrupting the music. "Between the bars," -replied the friend. - - - - -QUESTION AND ANSWER - - -A Quaker was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain -duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by -his theeing and thouing, one of them with a stern countenance asked -him--"Pray, sir, do you know what we sit here for?"--"Yea," replied -Nathan, "I do; some of thee for a thousand, and others for seventeen -hundred and fifty pounds a year." - - - - -MOTHER'S JAM POTS - - -"Willy, why were you not at school yesterday?" asked the teacher. - -"Please, mum," answered the absentee, "Muvver made marmalade yesterday -and she sent me to the cemetery." - -"What on earth for?" - -"To collect some jam pots, mum." - - - - -WISDOM - - -A country clergyman, meeting a neighbour, who never came to church, -although an old fellow above sixty, reproved him on that account, and -asked if he ever read at home? "No," replied the man, "I can't read." -"I dare say," said the clergyman, "you don't know who made you." "Not -I, in troth," said the countryman. A little boy coming by at the time, -"Who made you, child?" said the parson. "God, sir," answered the boy. -"Why, look you there," quoth the honest parson. "Are you not ashamed to -hear a child of five or six years old tell me who made him, when you, -that are so old a man, cannot?" "Ah!" said the countryman. "It is no -wonder that he should remember; he was made but t'other day, it is a -great while, master, sin' I was made." - - - - -WHY NOT? - - -Jimmy giggled when the teacher read the story of the man who swam across -the Tiber three times before breakfast. - -"You do not doubt that a trained swimmer could do that, do you?" - -"No, sir," answered Jimmy, "but I wonder why he did not make it four and -get back to the side where his clothes were." - - - - -THE OLD FARMER - - -An old farmer lay so dangerously ill that the doctor gave no hope of -recovery. - -Whilst lying in an apparently semi-conscious state, he suddenly opened -his eyes, and said to his wife, who was watching by his bedside: "Mary, -that's a nice smell, it's just like a ham cooking. I almost think I -could eat a little, if it is cooked." - -The reply was, "Thee get on with the dying, that ham is for the -funeral." - - - - -ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER - - -In the course of the play one of the characters had to say to a very -plain actor, "My lord, you change countenance"; whereupon a young fellow -in the pit cried, "For heaven's sake, let him!" - - - - -TACT - - -Little Jimmy had been sent early to bed, but he could not sleep. -Presently he called out to his mother in plaintive tones, "Mummy, bring -me a glass of water, I'm so thirsty." No reply being vouchsafed him, he -repeated his request after a short interval. And this time received an -abrupt answer, "If you don't be quiet I'll come up to slap you." -Suddenly a thought struck him and still in plaintive voice he cried, -"Mummy, when you come to slap me, bring me a glass of water." - - - - -THE RETORT RUDE - - -A young dude (with a monocle) and very irregular features while -travelling by train was at first much amused by the grimaces of a boy -who was sitting facing him. The boy, however, was obviously laughing at -him so the dude asked him if he could share the joke. - -"Joke!" said the boy, "it's your face I'm laughing at." - -"Well, I can't help my face, can I?" - -"No," replied the boy, leaving the train, "but you _could_ stay at -home." - - - - -THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE - - -A man once went to purchase a horse of a Quaker. "Will he draw well?" -asked the buyer. "Thee wilt be pleased to see him draw." The bargain -was concluded, and the farmer tried the horse, but he would not stir a -step. He returned and said, "That horse will not draw an inch." "I did -not tell thee that it would draw, friend, I only remarked that it would -please thee to see him draw, so it would me, but he would never gratify -me in that respect." - - - - -CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP - - -A country schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, -and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys -were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard -the bell, boys; why did you not come?" "Please, sir," said the -favourite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought -the school-bell was the steamboat-bell." "Very well," said the master, -glad of any pretext to excuse his favourite. "And now, sir," turning to -the other, "what have you to say?" "Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, -"I--I--was waiting to see Tom off!" - - - - -THE BEST JUDGE - - -A lady said to her husband, in a friend's presence: - -"My dear, you certainly want a pair of new trousers." "No, I think -not," replied the husband. - -"Well," interposed the friend, "I think the lady who always wears them, -ought to know." - - - - -A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE - - -"Young man," said an inquisitive old lady, to a tram conductor, "if I -put my foot on that rail shall I receive an electric shock?" - -"No, mum," he replied, "unless you place your other foot on the overhead -wire." - - - - -A SHIPWRECK - - -An Irish fisherman passed himself off to the captain of a ship near the -coast of Ireland as a qualified pilot. He knew nothing of the coast. -"This is a very dangerous shore here," said the captain to him, when he -was on board. "Yes, it is, your honour," replied the fellow. "There -are a great many dangerous rocks about here, I believe," observed the -captain. "Yes, there are, and," a dreadful crash coming, "_this is one -of them,_" coolly returned the fisherman. - - - - -A SAFE CASE - - -A briefless barrister was spending his time at the Courts when his clerk -came to him with the news that a man was at his chambers with a brief. -The barrister immediately hurried from the Courts for fear the client -should escape him. "Stop, sir, stop," cried his clerk. "You needn't -hurry, sir, I've locked him in." - - - - -THE WATCH MENDER - - -A private in a company of engineers gained a certain reputation for -mending his comrades' watches. His reputation reached his captain's -ears, who one day said to him, "Jones, I hear you are clever at -watch-mending, here take this one of mine and see what you can make of -it." Some few days after, Jones took back the watch. "Well, Jones, how -much do I owe you?" "Three shillings," was the reply. "Well, here you -are, and thank you," said the captain. "Oh! I forgot," said Jones, -"here are three wheels which I had over." - - - - -THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS - - -"Do people ever take advantage of the invitation to use this church for -meditation and prayer?" a City verger was once asked. "Yes," he replied, -"I catched two of 'em at it the other day!" - - - - -HIGH PRINCIPLES - - -A Methodist who kept a grocer's shop was heard one day to say to his -assistant, "John, have you watered the rum?" "Yes." "Have you sanded -the brown sugar?" "Yes." "Have you damped the tobacco?" "Yes." "Then -come in to prayers." - - - - -THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE - - -A gentleman who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for -several days, desired to have the bill. Finding a large quantity of -port placed to his servant's account he questioned him about it. -"Please your honour," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge for." -"One bottle port, one ditto, one ditto, one ditto." "Stop, stop, stop, -master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are cheating you. I know I had some -bottles of port, but I did not taste a drop of their ditto." - - - - -CANNY SCOT - - -Robbie met a neighbour smoking some fine tobacco sent by his son in -America. He took out his own pipe ostentatiously. "Hae ye a match, -Sandy?" he queried. The match was forthcoming, but nothing more. "I do -believe," said Robbie, "I hae left ma tobacco at hame." "Then," said -Sandy, after a silence, "ye micht gie me back ma match." - - - - -A NICE DISTINCTION - - -_The Vicar_ (discussing the Daylight Saving Bill): "But why have you put -the small clock on and not the big one?" _Old Man_: "Well, it's like -this, sir; grandfeyther's clock 'ave been tellin' th' truth for ninety -year, and I can't find it i' my heart to make a _liar_ o' he now; but -li'le clock, 'e be a German make, so it be all right for 'e." - - - - -NOT TWO-FACED - - -"Well, you're not two-faced anyway," said one man who had been -quarrelling with another: "I'll say that for you." - -"That's a very handsome acknowledgment," said the other, mollified. - -"Because if you were," the first one continued, "you wouldn't be seen -with that one." - - - - -CLERICAL WIT - - -An old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel -of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him--"The font is at the other -end of the church." "What do I want with the font?" said the old -gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought -you had brought this child to be christened." - - - - -A COSTLY EXPERIMENT - - -An Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with -marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened -a villain? "Please, your worship," says Paddy, "I was just trying to -get a good one." - - - - -A GOOD REASON - - -A certain minister going to visit one of his sick parishioners, asked -him how he had rested during the night. "Oh, wondrous ill, sir," -replied he, "my eyes have not come together these three nights." "What -is the reason of that?" said the other. "Alas! sir," says he, "because -my nose was between them." - - - - -ECONOMY IN THE STABLE - - -Jones, who was a student of economy, lamented the death of his horse. -His friend sympathised and enquired the cause. "He was a wonderful -horse, and if he had lived another day he would have proved a theory I -have been pursuing." "How is that?" "Well, you see," replied Jones, "I -reckon that it's all nonsense about having to spend so much on a horse's -keep. I started this one with the ordinary feed, but gradually reduced -the quantity." "And what did he have yesterday?" "Well, I'd got him -down to one oat." - - - - -THE PATRIARCH - - -Three young fellows were strolling along a country lane, and saw -approaching them a very patriarchal-looking old man. Thinking to take a -rise out of him, they accosted him thus: "Hail, Father Abraham, Father -Isaac, or Father Jacob." "Nay, my sons," the old man replied, "I am -none of these, but rather Saul seeking his father's asses, and lo! here -have I found them." - - - - -HIGH AND LOW - - -"I expect six clergymen to dine with me on Sunday next," said a -gentleman to his butler. "Very good, sir," said the butler. "Are they -High Church or Low Church, sir?" "What on earth can that signify to -you?" asked the astonished master. "Everything, sir," was the reply. -"If they are High Church, they'll drink; if they are Low Church, they'll -eat!" - - - - -BEER - - -A gentleman, calling for small beer at another gentleman's table, -finding it very hard, gave it to the servant again without drinking. -"What!" said the master of the house, "don't you like the beer?" "It is -not to be found fault with," answered the other, "for one should never -speak ill of the dead." - - - - -NOT IMPORTUNATE - - -A lady having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had -accepted, with the reservation, "If I am spared." "Weel, weel," replied -she, "if ye're dead, I'll no' expect ye." - - - - -THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON - - -A story of a Tudor judge is told of Sir Nicholas Bacon, who in the time -of Elizabeth was importuned by a criminal to spare his life on account -of kinship. - -"How so?" demanded the judge. - -"Because my name is Hog and yours is Bacon; and hog and bacon are so -near akin that they cannot be separated." - -"Ay," responded the judge dryly, "but you and I cannot yet be -kindred--for the hog is not bacon until it be well hanged." - - - - -UNION IS STRENGTH - - -A country traveller was asked by the landlord of the inn at which he had -put up how he had slept. "Well," he replied, "union is strength--a fact -of which your inmates seem to be unaware; for had the fleas been -unanimous last night they might have pushed me out of bed." "Fleas!" -said the landlord, in astonishment, "I was not aware that I had a single -one in the house." "I don't believe you have," retorted the traveller, -"they are all married and have uncommonly large families." - - - - -COURTSHIP - - -"Martha, dost thou love me?" asked a Quaker youth of one at whose shrine -his heart's holiest feelings had been offered up. "Why, Seth," she -answered, "we are commanded to love one another, are we not?" "Ay, -Martha, but dost thee regard me with the feeling the world calls love?" -"I hardly know what to tell thee, Seth, I have greatly feared that my -heart was an erring one. I have tried to bestow my love on all, but I -have sometimes thought, perhaps, that thee was getting rather more than -thy share." - - - - -TO LET - - -A gentleman, inspecting lodgings to be let, asked the pretty girl, who -showed them, "And are you, my dear, to be let with the lodgings?" "No," -answered she, "I am to be let alone." - - - - -CUT AND COME AGAIN - - -A gentleman who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who -drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance of a -charge in the man's daily account, entered as "Refreshment for the -horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about it. "Och! sure," said he, -"it's whipcord it is!" - - - - -THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT - - -A Scotch minister was once sent for to visit a sick man. On arriving at -the house he enquired: - -"What church do you attend?" - -"Barry kirk," replied the invalid. - -"Why, then, did you not send for your own minister?" - -"Na, na," replied the sick man, "we would not risk him. Do you no' ken -it's a dangerous case of typhoid?" - - - - -KISMET - - -A lady who had named her house Kismet engaged an Irish servant. Bridget -desiring to know the meaning of Kismet was told it signified "Fate." -Shortly after, Bridget was painfully and laboriously descending the -stairs. "What is the matter?" asked her mistress. "I've got fearful -corns on my Kismet," was the reply. - - - - -THE YOUNG IDEA - - -A small boy, asked to name the four seasons, replied: "Pepper, salt, -mustard, and vinegar." Another, asked for the principal gases, said: -"Oxygen and Cambridgen." - - - - -THE NEW BABY - - -Jack was rather put out on the arrival of a new little brother. "But, -Mummy, he has no hair." "No, Jack, he has no hair." "Mummy, he has no -teeth." "Oh, no, Jack, no teeth now." "Oh, Mummy, dear, you've been -had; they have given you an old 'un." - - - - -HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES - - -One of the best remembered of Hook's efforts in extemporising is that -recorded of his improvising at a party when Mr. Winter was announced, a -well-known inspector of taxes. Without a moment's break in his -performance Hook went on:-- - - "Here comes Mr. Winter, inspector of taxes, I'd advise you to - give him whatever he axes, I'd advise ye to give him without any - flummery-- For though his name's Winter his actions are - summary." - - - - -THE SHE BEAR - - -A thoughtful child said to her mother on the way to church: "Mummy, -dear! Shall we have that hymn to-day about the she bear?" "I don't -remember any hymn about a she bear, darling," replied the perplexed -mother. "Whatever do you mean, child?" "I mean the hymn that goes, 'Can -a mother's tender care, Cease towards the child she bear?'" - - - - -KNOWLEDGE - - -A girl of tender age was a witness at a trial. - -"Do you know what an oath is, my child?" asked the judge. - -"Yes, sir, I am obliged to tell the truth." - -"And what will happen if you tell lies?" - -"I shall go to the naughty place," replied the child. - -"Are you sure of that?" - -"Yes, sir, quite sure." - -"Let her be sworn," said the judge; "it is clear she knows a great deal -more than I do." - - - - -A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS - - -Calling one day at Saunders and Otley's library, a subscriber was very -angry because certain books that he had ordered had not been sent. He -was so heated in his indignation that one of the partners could stand it -no longer, and told him so. - -"I don't know who you are," was the customer's retort, "and I don't want -to annoy you _personally_, as you may not be the one in fault; it's your -confounded house I blame. You may be Otley, or you may be Saunders; if -you are Saunders, damn Otley! if you are Otley, damn Saunders! I mean -nothing personal to _you_." - - - - -THE EARLY BIRD - - -A father chiding his son for not getting up early, told him as an -inducement, that a certain man being up in good time, found a purse -containing money. "That may be," replied the son, "but he that lost it -was up before him." - - - - -TABLE TALK - - -An ingenious gentleman had been showing at a dinner-table how he could -cut a pig out of orange peel. A guest who was present tried again and -again to do the same, but after strewing the table with the peel of a -dozen oranges exclaimed, "Hang the pig! I can't make him." "Why no," -said the performer, "you have done more--instead of one pig you have -made a litter." - - - - -TROUBLES - - -"I'm sorry to see you giving way to drink like this, Pat," said the -village priest, "you that were always such a respectable boy, too." -"Shure, an' Oi'm obleeged to do it, your 'anner," replied Pat. "Oi have -to dhrink to droun me trubles." "H'm," said his interrogator, "and do -you succeed in drowning them?" "No, begorra," cried Pat, "shure an' -that's the warst uv it. The divvles can shwim!" - - - - -A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND - - -A Southerner with no love for Scotland returned from his first trip to -the North, and was asked by a Scot if he had not acquired a better -opinion of Scotland. What did he now think of it? "That it is a very -vile country to be sure," answered the traveller. "Well, sir!" retorted -the nettled Scot, "God made it!" "Certainly he did!" came the instant -acknowledgment; "but we must always remember that He made it for -Scotsmen." - - - - -DRY HUMOUR - - -An Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman many miles during torrents -of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care -about being very wet, if I wasn't so very dry, your honour." - - - - -THE CHURCH ORGAN - - -"Friend Maltby, I am pleased that thou hast got such a fine organ in thy -church." "But," said the clergyman, "I thought you were strongly opposed -to having an organ in a church?" "So I am," said Friend Obadiah, "but -then if thou wilt worship the Lord by machinery, I would like thee to -have a first-rate instrument." - - - - -COMMON PRAYER - - -A little boy had been brought up with much care. On his eighth birthday -he was given a nicely bound Prayer Book by his aunt. After a brief -examination he pushed the book on one side disappointedly. On being -asked the reason he said, "I don't like anything 'Common.'" - - - - -SHORT COMMONS - - -At a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice: -"Wanted, two apprentices, who will be treated as one of the family." - - - - -TRUTH - - -"My lord," said a witness, "you may believe me or not, but I have stated -not a word that is false, for I have been wedded to truth from infancy." - -"Yes, sir," replied the Judge drily, "but the question is, how long have -you been a widower." - - - - -A WRONG CHOICE - - -"I can't stand the missus, sir," said a servant in a complaining voice -to her master. - -"It's a pity, Mary," said the master sarcastically, "that I couldn't -have selected a wife to suit you." - -"Sure, sir," replied Mary, "we all make mistakes." - - - - -FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD - - -A visitor at a Devonshire fishing village asked the parson what was the -principal diet of the villagers. "Fish mostly," said the Vicar. "But I -thought fish was a brain food, and these are the most unintelligent folk -I ever saw," remarked the tourist. "Well," replied the parson, "just -think what they would look like if they didn't eat fish!" - - - - -A CHARACTER - - -A gentleman lately dismissed a clever but dishonest gardener. For the -sake of his wife and family he gave him a character, and this is how he -worded it: "I hereby certify that A. Brown has been my gardener for over -two years, and that during that time he got more out of my garden than -any man I ever employed." - - - - -HUSBAND OR COW - - -The wife of a small farmer in Perthshire went to a chemist with two -prescriptions--one for her husband, and the other for her cow. Finding -she had not money to pay for both, the chemist asked her which she would -take. "Gie me that for the coo," said the wife; "if my man were to dee, -I could sune get another; but I am not sae sure if I would sune get -another coo." - - - - -A NEW METHOD - - -It was baking day and mother was very busy with other duties also. -"May," she cried, "see if the cake is done. Put a knife in it and if it -comes out clean you'll know that it is finished." "Yes," added father, -"and if it comes out clean stick the others in too." - - - - -GRATITUDE NOT APPRECIATED - - -"You have saved my life," said the old man whom the young hero had just -pulled out of the river. "As a reward you may marry my daughter there." -The hero glanced at the daughter, then grasped the old man. "What are -you doing?" asked the perplexed father. "Going to drop you in again," -he replied. - - - - -ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD - - -A merchant dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors' ears, -"Farewell," said one, "there is so much of mine gone with him." "And he -carried so much of mine," said another. One hearing them make their -several complaints said, "Well, I see now, that though a man can carry -nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of -other men's." - - - - -COLD FEET - - -"Do you suffer from cold feet?" the doctor asked the young wife. - -"Yes," she replied. - -He promised to send her some medicine to take. - -"Oh," she said nervously. "They're--not--not mine." - - - - -BUSYBODIES - - -A master of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will, -sir." "What are you doing?" "Nothing, sir." "Is Tom there?" "Yes," -said Tom. "What are you doing?" "Helping Will, sir." - - - - -ALDERMANIC TASTES - - -_Freddy_: "Papa, may I study elocution?" - -_Proud Father_: "Indeed you may, my boy, if you wish. You desire to -become a great orator, do you?" - -"Yes, that's it." - -"And some day perhaps have your voice ringing in the vaulted chamber of -the first legislative assembly in the world?" - -"I shouldn't care for that. I want to be an after-dinner speaker." - -"Ah, you are ambitious for social distinction, then?" - -"No--I want the dinners." - - - - -"WARRANTED TO KILL" - - -An itinerant "old-clo" woman on reaching a village in an irritated -condition proceeded to the general shop with a request for a certain -useful powder. The shopkeeper expressed his ability to supply her need -either in packet form or loose. "Don't you worry about no packet, young -man," she said. "Jest pour it down here," indicating her open collar. - - - - -PROFESSIONAL - - -An editor being asked at dinner if he would take some pudding, replied, -in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter, we are -unable to find room for it." - - - - -THE NEW VERSION - - -A class of boys were undergoing an examination in Scripture. The -subject was the Good Samaritan. "And why do you consider the Pharisee, -after looking at him, passed by on the other side?" "Because he saw he -had been robbed already," was the answer given. - - - - -DRAUGHTS - - -A well-known judge was so afraid of draughts that the air of his courts -was always of a very high temperature. One of his colleagues once -explained this habit by saying that he was preparing the bar for a -future state. - - - - -TENDERNESS - - -A beggar in Dublin had been a long time besieging an old gouty, testy, -limping gentleman, who refused his mite with much irritability; on which -the mendicant said, "Ah, plase your honour's honour, I wish your heart -were as tender as your toes." - - - - -HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP - - -Little May was going to tea, and her mother was giving her some words of -advice. "There will be a Bishop, dear; remember always to address him as -My Lord when you speak." - -During the afternoon the Bishop approached May, and, patting her on the -head, said, "Well, little girl, how old are you?" - -The Bishop's surprise was great when she replied, "My God, I'm eight." - - - - -HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE - - -One of the best known of Hook's puns was uttered to a visitor to his -house at Fulham. The visitor, looking at Putney Bridge, said that he had -heard that it was a good investment, and turning to his host asked if -that was really so. "I really don't know," was the answer, "but you -have only to cross it and you will certainly be tolled." - - - - -A GOOD EXAMPLE - - -A Welsh parson, in his sermon, told his congregation how kind and -respectful we ought to be towards each other, and added, that in this -respect we were greatly inferior to animals. To prove this, he -mentioned as an example the circumstance of two goats, which met one -another upon a narrow plank across a river, so that they could not pass -by without one thrusting the other off, "Now, how do you think they did? -Why, I'll tell you. One lay down, and let the other leap over him. Ah, -my beloved, let us live like goats." - - - - -A MISFIT - - -_Assistant_: "Do the shoes fit, madam?" - -_Madam_: "Oh, yes, they fit me perfectly; but they hurt me terribly when -I try to walk." - - - - -A CHEERFUL INVITATION - - -An odd instance of the force of technical training is afforded by a -story of one of the official attendants at a funeral. Having been -charged with a message from a relative of the departed to another guest, -he came across the room, and translating it into his own language, said, -"If you please, sir, the corpse's brother would be happy to take wine -with you." - - - - -THE INEVITABLE RESULT - - -The fervent temperance orator stopped in the midst of his speech, and -said, impressively: "I wish all the pubs were at the bottom of the sea." -Voice in crowd, "Hear, hear!" "Ah, there speaks a noble teetotaller!" -"Not at all, I'm a diver." - - - - -JUSTICE - - -An Irishman, who was to undergo trial for theft, was being comforted by -his priest. "Keep up your heart, Dennis, my boy. Take my word for it, -you'll get justice." "Troth, yer riverence," replied Dennis in an -undertone, "and that's just what I am afraid of." - - - - -THAT AWFUL CHILD - - -"What does God have for His dinner, mother?" asked Willy. - -"Sh-h. You must not ask such questions. God does not need any dinner." - -"Then I suppose he has an egg for his tea." - - - - -A COSMOPOLITAN - - -Speaking of the different languages of Europe, a professor thus -described them: "The French is the best language to speak to one's -friend; the Italian to one's mistress; the English to the people; the -Spanish to God, and the German to a horse." - - - - -CLOTHES AND THE MAN - - -_Debt Collector_: "Is your master at home?" - -_Servant_ (curtly): "No, he isn't." - -_Debt Collector_ (suspiciously): "But I can see his hat hanging up in -the hall." - -_Servant_: "Well, what's that got to do with it? One of my dresses is -hanging on the line in the back garden, but I'm not there!" - - - - -A WITTY REPLY - - -One day a celebrated advocate was arguing before a very stupid and very -rude Scotch judge who, to express his contempt of what he was saying, -pointed with one forefinger to one of his ears, and with the other to -the opposite one. - -"You see this, Mr. ----?" - -"I do, my lord," said the advocate. - -"Well, it just goes in here and comes out there!" and his lordship -smiled with the hilarity of a judge who thinks he has actually said a -good thing. - -"I do not doubt it, my lord. What is there to prevent it?" - - - - -THE SOUND OF A TRUMPET - - -An old inhabitant of Kilmarnock had taken more whiskey than was good for -him. On his way home, feeling very tired, he lay down in the churchyard -for a rest, with his head against a tombstone. He was suddenly aroused -from his sleep by the blast of a trumpet. He woke in a fright, thinking -the end of the world had come, but when he found himself alone, -exclaimed, "Well, this is a poor show for Kilmarnock." - - - - -GRAMMAR - - -A waggish curate overheard the schoolmaster giving lessons in grammar. -"You cannot place a, the singular article," said the preceptor, "before -plural nouns. No one can say _a_ pigs, _a_ women, _a_----" "Nonsense," -cried the curate, "the prayerbook teaches us to say _a_-men." - - - - -ONE SIDE AT A TIME - - -A juryman asked to be excused as he was deaf in one ear. "I don't think -that matters," said the judge; "let him be sworn, we only hear one side -of a case at a time." - - - - -COMPANY - - -"Bridget, I don't think it looks well for you to entertain company in -the kitchen the way you do," said the young mistress. - -"Thanks, mum," replied the cook; "but I wouldn't like t' take him int' -th' parlour--he spits t'baccy." - - - - -HER OWN FAULT - - -_Mistress_: "Mary, don't let me catch you kissing the grocer's boy -again." - -_Mary_: "Lor', mum, I don't mean to, but you do bob around so." - - - - -A POSER - - -A new sentry was on guard outside the residence of a general; a small -green was in front of the house and the strict orders were that no one -was to cross it, human or otherwise, save the General's cow. An old -lady coming to visit, bent her steps across the lawn as a short cut, but -was called on by the sentry asking her to return. She was not -unnaturally somewhat put out and said, with a stately air, "But do you -know who I am?" "I don't know who you be, ma'am," replied the immovable -sentry, "but I knows you b'aint--you b'aint the General's cow!" - - - - -YOUTHFUL PRECOCITY - - -A youth asked permission of his mother to go to a ball. She told him it -was a bad place for little boys. "Why, mother, didn't you and father -use to go to balls when you were young?" "Yes, but we have seen the -folly of it," said the mother. "Well, mother," exclaimed the son, "I -want to see the folly of it too!" - - - - -ABOVE PROOF - - -An East-India Governor having died abroad his body was put in spirit, to -preserve it for internment in England. A sailor on board the ship being -frequently drunk, the captain forbade the purser, and indeed all in the -ship, to let him have any liquor. Shortly after the fellow appeared -very drunk. How he obtained the liquor, no one could guess. The captain -resolved to find out, promising to forgive him if he would tell from -whom he got the liquor. After some hesitation, he hiccupped out, "Why, -please your honour, I tapped the Governor." - - - - -ON DEATH - - -Two recruits were discussing the Great War and the possible date of -their being sent to the front. Said one to the other, "I wouldn't mind -getting killed, Charlie, if it wasn't so d----d permanent." - - - - -ENVY - - -A drunken man was found by the roadside in the suburbs of Dublin, lying -on his face, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is -dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!" -replied another, who had perceived him to be merely intoxicated; "by the -powers, I wish I had just half his disease!" - - - - -A HAT FOR NOTHING - - -An honest rustic went into the shop of a Quaker to buy a hat, for which -fifteen shillings were demanded. He offered twelve shillings. "As I -live," said the Quaker, "I cannot afford to give it thee at that price." -"As you live!" exclaimed the countryman, "then live more moderately, and -be hanged to you." "Friend," said the Quaker, "thou shalt have the hat -for nothing. I have sold hats for twenty years, and my 'As I live' -trick has never been found out till now." - - - - -AN OLD PROVERB - - -A Chinaman was much worried by a vicious-looking dog which barked at him -in an angry manner. "Don't be afraid of him," said a friend. "You know -the old proverb: 'A barking dog never bites.'" - -"Yes," said the Chinaman, "you know proverb, I know proverb, but does -d--n dog know proverb?" - - - - -PRO BONO PUBLICO - - -It was just before the opening of the Academy and Swiper was growling as -usual. - -"I wish I had a fortune," he said, "I'd never paint again." - -"By Jove, old man," replied his visitor, "I wish I had one. I'd give it -to you!" - - - - -A NEW RECIPE - - -At one of the meetings of a literary club a dish of peas was brought in, -become almost grey with age. "You ought to carry these peas to -Kensington," said one of the party. "Why?" asked another. "Because it's -the way to Turn 'em Green." - -Goldsmith hearing this is delighted and made a note of the joke. The -next evening, dining out, he was pleased to find a dish of yellow peas -on the table. "These ought to be sent to Kensington," he said. "Why?" -he was asked. "Because that's the way to make them green," he replied. - - - - -NOT A WAXWORK - - -A farmer once took his son into an Assize Court. The lad gaped with -open mouth at the resplendent figure of the judge, arrayed in scarlet -and ermine. Suddenly the judge made a sign to the usher, and the lad -exclaimed, "Why, father, it's alive. I thought he were a waxwork." - - - - -THEY NEVER SAY THANK YOU - - -_Mike_: "I did an extraordinary thing to-day. I had the last word with a -woman." - -_Ike_: "That so? How'd it occur?" - -_Mike_: "Coming home on the car I said, 'Won't you have my seat, -madam?'" - - - - -TIPS - - -A foreign lord, who resided for a time in England, had his own way of -dealing with the question of tips. When his friends, who had dined with -him, were going away, he always attended them to the door; and if they -offered any money to the servant who opened it (for he never suffered -but one servant to appear), he always prevented them, saying, in his -manner of speaking English, "If you do give it, give it to me, for it -was I that did buy the dinner." - - - - -JUSTICE - - -At a temperance lecture the speaker told of a Dutchman and his companion -who went into Delmonico's in New York to get a lunch. They were -surprised at being charged nine dollars! The Dutchman began to swear. -"Don't you swear," said the other, "God has already punished Delmonico. -I have got my pocket full of his spoons." - - - - -DEAD AS A DOORNAIL - - -An Irish farmer was asked by his landlord if the report of his intended -second marriage was true, and replied--"It is, yer honner." "But your -first wife has only been dead a week, Pat," said the landlord. "An' -shure," retorted Pat, "she's as dead now as she ever will be, yer -honner." - - - - -FAITH - - -A cleric, whose name was Mountain, being a candidate for a vacant see in -the gift of the Lord Chancellor, waited upon his lordship to present his -application. Said the Chancellor, "What influence do you possess?" -"None," said the candidate, "except faith. You will remember, my lord, -that, if thou have faith, and shall say to this mountain, Be thou cast -into the sea, verily it shall be done." Said the Chancellor, "Brother -Mountain, go into that see." - - - - -JOB'S CURSE - - -"Mother," said little Eva on the way from church, "babies aren't so good -as they used to be, are they?" "Whatever makes you think that?" replied -her mother. "Well, little Willie can't talk yet, and he's nearly two, -but Job could talk when he was a baby." "Where does it tell you that, -dear?" asked mother. "Don't you remember the lesson this morning, -mother? It said that Job cursed the day he was born!" - - - - -A CONJUGAL CONCLUSION - - -A woman having fallen into a river, her husband went to look for her, -proceeding up the stream from the place where she fell in. The -bystanders asked him if he was mad--she could not have gone against the -stream. The man answered, "She was obstinate and contrary in her life, -and no doubt she was the same at her death." - - - - -THE RULING PASSION - - -Lazarus Goldstein the auctioneer, being somewhat run down, was ordered -on a sea voyage by his doctor. After several days on board during which -period nothing had occurred to break the monotony of this to him -overpeaceful existence, he was suddenly aroused from his afternoon -siesta by the cry "A sail, a sail." His eyes brightened and calling his -wife, he said, "Sarah, where is dot catalogue?" - - - - -FELO-DE-SE - - -An under officer of the Customs at the port of Liverpool, running -heedlessly along the ship's gunnel, happened to slip overboard, and was -drowned. The body soon being recovered, the coroner's jury was -summoned. One of the jurymen returning home, was asked what verdict -they brought in, and whether they found it "felo-de-se"? "Ay, ay!" says -the juryman, shaking his noddle. "He fell into the sea, sure enough." - - - - -HOW TO GET WARM - - -A Quaker gentleman, riding in a carriage with a fashionable lady decked -with a profusion of jewellery, heard her complain of the cold. -Shivering in her lace bonnet and shawl, as light as a cobweb, she -exclaimed, "What shall I do to get warm?" "I really don't know," -replied the Quaker solemnly, "unless thee should put on another -breast-pin." - - - - -NO MATTER WHAT COLOUR - - -An eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house -of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer -ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock; -may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?" "I -don't know," answered the divine drily, "whether they are black or white -sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be -fleeced." - - - - -OF COMPOSITIONS - - -A lady at a dinner-party was sitting next to a musician, and, thinking -she ought to say something about music, turned to her neighbour and -said: "Has Bach been composing much of late?" "No, madam, but I hear he -has been decomposing for some time!" - - - - -PETER'S WIFE'S MOTHER - - -A parson in the country, taking his text from St. Matthew, chap. viii. -14, "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," preached for three -Sundays together on the same subject. Soon after, two country fellows -going across the churchyard and hearing the bell toll, one asked the -other, who it was for. "Perhaps," replied he, "it is for Peter's wife's -mother, for she has been sick of a fever these three weeks." - - - - -THE TRIALS OF THE DEAF - - -An old gentleman went out to tea, and being somewhat deaf was unable to -join in the general conversation. A kind-hearted lady wishing to make -him feel at home, said: "Do you like bananas?" To which he replied, -"No; I prefer the old-fashioned nightshirt." - - - - -ANTICIPATION - - -Towards the close of a meeting at Exeter Hall at which Bishop -Wilberforce had made an eloquent speech the audience began to go away. -A gentleman whose name was on the programme said to the Bishop, "I need -not speak; I hardly think they expect me." "To be sure they do," said -Wilberforce; "don't you see they are all going." - - - - -HYMNS AND HERS - - -On seeing a large picture by Watts from _Theodore and Honoria_ a friend -once asked Lord Houghton what it represented. "Oh!" he replied, "you -have heard of Watts's Hymns. These are Watts's Hers!" - - - - -HORS CONCOURS - - -At an evening party a new game was suggested. The guests were each to -make the most hideous grimaces that they could and the prize was to go -to the ugliest effort. - -After long scrutiny the judge awarded the prize to a lady seated away -from the others. "I'm not playing," she replied indignantly. - - - - -THE MARINE AND THE BOTTLE - - -A story told of William the Fourth, if genuine, shows that king -possessed on occasion of a ready tact which is so happy as to be wit. -The story runs that when dining with several officers he ordered a -waiter to "take away that marine," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your -Majesty!" exclaimed one of the officers, "do you compare an empty bottle -to a member of our branch of the service?" "Yes," answered the king. -"I mean to say that it has done its duty once and is ready to do it -again." - - - - -A UNITED COUPLE - - - John's wife complains, that John discourses - And thinks of nothing else but horses. - Whilst John, a caustic wag, - Says it's wonderful to see - How thoroughly their tastes agree,-- - For, that his wife, as well as he, - Most dearly loves a nag. - - - - -WET PAINT - - -It was a dark wintry night, when a belated traveller, in a lonely -country district, found himself entirely lost as to his locality. - -He wandered aimlessly for some time, till at last he found himself -against what he considered a signpost. - -All efforts to find out any name on the same failing, he climbed the -post and read the words, "Wet paint." - - - - -TICK, TICK, TICK - - -Sheridan had taken a new house and meeting Lord Guildford, he mentioned -his change of residence, and also a change in his own habits. "My lord, -everything is carried on in my new house with the greatest -regularity--everything in short goes like clockwork." "Ah!" replied -Lord Guildford meaningly, "tick, tick, tick, I suppose." - - - - -DIFFIDENCE - - -An Irishman charged with an assault, was asked by the judge whether he -was guilty or not. "How can I tell," was the reply, "till I have heard -the evidence?" - - - - -THE BAILIFF OUTWITTED - - -A bailiff who had tried numerous expedients in vain to arrest a Quaker, -resolved to adopt the habit and manner of one, in hope of catching the -primitive Christian. In this disguise, he knocked at the Quaker's door -and inquired if he was at home. The housekeeper replied, "Yes." "Can I -see him?" "Walk in, friend," she said, "and he shall see thee." The -bailiff, confident of success, walked in, and after waiting nearly an -hour, rung a bell, and on the housekeeper appearing, said, "Thou -promised me I should see friend Aminadab." "No, friend," answered the -housekeeper, "I promised _he_ should see _thee_. He hath seen thee, but -he doth not like thee." - - - - -IMAGINATION - - -A small boy walking across a common with his mother espied a bunny. -"Look, mother, there goes a rabbit!" "Nonsense, my boy, it must have -been imagination." "Mother, is imagination white behind?" - - - - -UNREMITTING KINDNESS - - -"Call that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent -acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a -farthing! Call that kindness!" "Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold -replied. - - - - -A WARM PROSPECT - - -A well-known judge was credited with being parsimonious. A friend once -asked him, "What are you going to do with your money? You cannot take -it with you, and if you could it would melt!" - - - - -A SOPORIFIC STORY - - -The celebrated Bubb Doddington was very lethargic. Falling asleep one -day after dinner with Sir Richard Temple and Lord Cobham, the general, -the latter reproached Doddington with his drowsiness. Doddington denied -having been asleep; and to prove that he had not offered to repeat all -Lord Cobham had been saying. Cobham challenged him to do so. Doddington -repeated a story and Lord Cobham owned he had been telling it. "And -yet," said Doddington, "I did not hear a word of it but I went to sleep -because I knew that about this time you would tell that story." - - - - -ST. PETER AND HIS KEYS - - -Curran and Father O'Leary were dining with Michael Kelly when the -barrister said: "Reverend Father, I wish you were St. Peter." "And why, -Counsellor, would you wish I were St. Peter?" asked O'Leary. "Because, -Reverend Father, in that case you would have the keys of heaven, and -could let me in." "By my honour and conscience, Counsellor," answered -O'Leary, "it would be better for you if I had the keys of the other -place, for then I could let you out." - - - - -THE LOST JOINT - - -The serving-maid was awkward and the joint fell on the floor. The young -mistress was naturally upset and cried, "Now we've lost our dinner." - -"Indeed you haven't," said Jane, "I've got my foot on it." - - - - -THE RECRUITING SERGEANT AND THE COUNTRYMAN - - -A recruiting sergeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with--"Come, -my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?" "Voight for my King," -answered Hodge, "why, has he fawn out wi' onybody?" - -IRELAND FOR EVER - -An Irishman homeward bound from America frequently expressed his delight -by shouting, "Hurrah for Ireland!" "Hurrah for Ireland!" to the intense -amusement of most of the passengers. One irascible old fellow, however, -barely concealed his irritation at Pat's outbursts, and at last, -exasperated beyond endurance, retorted, "Hurrah for Hell!" "That's -right," said Pat. "Every man for his own country." - - - - -ALL MEN ARE LIARS - - -Thackeray was fond of telling the story of two men relating their -adventures. One of them had told his companion something as having -happened to him which was extremely improbable; the other capped it by a -statement still more outrageous. "What a liar you must be, Jack," said -his friend, to which he replied, "Well, _we are telling lies_, aren't -we?" - - - - -AN OBJECT LESSON - - -The diner-out had waited a quarter of an hour for his soup. Calling the -waiter he asked, "Have you ever been to the Zoo?" - -"No, sir," was the reply. - -"Well, you ought to go. You'd enjoy watching the tortoises whiz past." - -AN UNKNOWN TONGUE - -During the long French war, two old ladies in Stranraer were going to -the kirk, the one said to the other, "Was it no' a wonderfu' thing that -the Breetish were aye victorious ower the French in battle?" "Not a -bit," said the other old lady, "dinna ye ken the Breetish aye say their -prayers before ga'in into battle?" The other replied, "But canna the -French say their prayers as weel?" The reply was most characteristic, -"Hoot! jabbering bodies, wha could understan' them." - - - - -A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT - - -"Did you present your account to the defendant?" inquired a lawyer of -his client. "I did, your Honour." "And what did he say?" "He told me -to go to the devil." "And what did you say then?" "Why, then I came to -you." - - - - -"SOMEWHERE" - - -A lady who gave herself great airs of importance, on being introduced to -a gentleman for the first time, said, with much cool indifference, "I -think, sir, I have seen you somewhere." "Very likely," replied the -gentleman, "you may, ma'am, as I have often been there." - - - - -THE SCOTSMAN AND THE JOKE - - -An Englishman and a Scotsman were on a walking tour in the Highlands -when they came to a signpost which said, "Five miles to Stronachlachar." -Underneath this was written, "If you cannot read inquire at the -baker's." The Englishman laughed heartily when he read it, but refused -to tell the Scotsman the joke. That night the Englishman was surprised -at being woke up by his companion, who seemed much amused at something. -Asking the reason, the Scotsman replied, "Och, mon, I hae just seen the -joke--the baker might not be in." - - - - -WAR AND TAXES - - -Shortly after the commencement of the Peninsular War, a tax was laid on -candles, which, as a political economist would prove, made them dearer. -A Scotch wife in Greenock remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, that -the price was raised, and asked why? "It's a' awin' to the war," said -Paddy. "The war!" said the astonished matron. "Gracious me! are they -gaun to fecht by candlelicht?" - - - - -A MODERN ALFRED - - -A woman gave her little child a cloth to warm while she was otherwise -busied. The child held it to the fire, but so near that it changed -colour presently, and began to look like tinder; upon which the child -called to its mother, "Mamma, is it done enough when it looks brown?" - - - - -CHARITY ON CREDIT - - -A certain rich laird in Fife, whose weekly contribution to the church -collection never exceeded one penny, one day, by mistake, dropped into -the plate at the door a five-shilling piece; but discovering his error -before he was seated in his pew, hurried back, and was about to replace -the coin by his customary penny, when the elder in attendance cried out, -"Stop, laird, ye may put in what ye like, but ye maun take naething -out!" The laird, finding his explanations went for nothing, at last -said, "A weel, I suppose I'll get credit for it in heaven." "Na, na, -laird," said the elder, "ye'll only get credit for the penny." - - - - -COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT - - -The carter was going out with a lantern one evening, when he met the -farmer who employed him; he was asked where he was going. "Courting," -was the reply. The farmer replied, "You don't want a lantern to go -courting with. When I went courting I never took a lantern." "I can -quite believe you," said the man, "when I look at your missus!" - - - - -THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER - - -An old gentleman was observed earnestly looking on the sands, evidently -for some object he had lost. - -An inquisitive onlooker asked, "Have you lost something?" "Yes," was -the reply. - -Not quite satisfied, the inquisitive one said, "Is it anything -important?" "Yes," again came the answer, "I have lost my toffee." -"But, surely, the toffee would be useless if you found it, as it would -be full of sand." "But my teeth are in it," was the prompt reply. - - - - -THE EMPTY BOTTLE - - -In a dark room in an Irish cabin Biddy was searching for the whisky -bottle, when her husband enquired, "What is't yer lookin' for?" -"Nuthin', Pat," answered Biddy. "Sure," replied the husband, "you'll -find it in the bottle where the whisky was." - - - - -H2O - - -The elementary class was being instructed in chemistry, and the master, -after several lessons, asked: "What is water?" One very young but -bright pupil promptly replied: "A colourless fluid that turns black when -you wash your hands." - - - - -AN ACCIDENT - - -Two Irish porters meeting at Dublin, one addressed the other with, "Och, -Thady my jewel, is it you? Are you just come from England? Pray did -you see anything of our old friend Pat Murphy?" "The devil a sight," he -replied, "and what's worse I'm afraid I never shall." "How so?" "Why -he met with a very unfortunate accident lately." "Amazing! What was -it?" "Oh, indeed nothing more than this; he was standing on a plank -talking devoutly to a priest, at a place in London which I think they -call Brixton, when the plank suddenly gave way, and poor Murphy got his -neck broke." - - - - -TOUCH HIM UP - - -Mackintosh was once taking Parr for a drive when the horse became -restive and the scholar became nervous. "Gently, Jemmy," said Parr, -"don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better -without me. Let me down, Jemmy." The horse was stopped enough for the -purpose, and no sooner had Parr safely descended than his advice -changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better of -you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him. And now I'll leave -you to manage him--I'll walk home." - - - - -A SMART BOY - - -A boy of only nine years old was asked many questions by a bishop, and -gave very prompt answers to them all. At length the prelate said, "I -will give you an orange if you will tell me where God is." "My Lord," -replied the boy, "I will give you two if you will tell me where He is -not." - - - - -WEARING ROUGE - - -There was a certain Bishop of Amiens who was a saint and yet had a good -deal of wit. A lady went to consult him whether she might wear rouge; -she had been with several directeurs, but some were so severe, and some -so relaxed, that she could not satisfy her conscience, and therefore was -come to Monseigneur to decide for her, and would rest by his sentence. -"I see, Madam," said the good prelate, "what the case is: some of your -casuists forbid rouge totally; others will permit you to wear as much as -you please. Now, for my part, I love a medium in all things, and -therefore I permit you to wear rouge on one cheek only." - - - - -THE POOR LANDLORD - - -Father Healy was talking to a friend in the street when a youth came up -begging alms; having received a penny he scampered off, revealing in his -retreat a very tattered apparel. "That is a nice cut of an Irish -landlord," said the priest. "How so?" asked the friend, "Because he has -rents in a rear." - - - - -THE DAY OF REST - - -"Well, Master Jackson," said the minister, walking homeward after -service with an industrious labourer, who was a constant attendant, -"well, Master Jackson, Sunday must be a blessed day of rest for you who -work so hard all the week. And you make a good use of the day, for you -are always to be seen at church." "Ah, sir," replied Jackson, "it is -indeed a blessed day; I works hard enough all the week, and then I comes -to church o' Sundays, and sets me down, and lays my legs up, and thinks -o' nothing!" - - - - -NOT TO BE CAUGHT - - -It was examination day at one of the R.A.M.C. headquarters. - -"And if a man suffering from trench feet were brought to you, how would -you treat him?" asked the examiner. - -The recruit, a Londoner with a good knowledge of the licensing laws, -quickly answered: "You won't catch me that way, sir. We should both pay -for our own." - - - - -MOLECULES - - -"What are you studying now?" asked Mrs. Johnson. - -"We have taken up the subject of molecules," answered her son. - -"I hope you will be very attentive and practise constantly," said the -mother. "I tried to get your father to wear one, but he could not keep -it in his eye." - - - - -A THOUGHTLESS SAMARITAN - - -Professor Johnson, the antiquary, returning meditatively from a learned -discourse, came upon the recumbent body of a man in front of a house. -Being a Samaritan he proffered his services, and discovered that the man -lived on the first floor. Thither he piloted him and opening a door -pushed him gently in. Reaching again the ground floor another human -being confronted him and he also needed help to the first floor. But -when our Professor found yet another fellow-creature in distress his -curiosity was aroused and he said: - -"It is strange that there should be three men needing help to the first -floor of the same house." - -"Not so strange, mister," replied the prone figure, "seeing as 'ow -you've dropped me down the lift 'ole twice." - - - -CHAPS - - -A pretty girl was complaining to a young Quaker that she was dreadfully -troubled by chaps on her lips. "Friend Mary!" replied the Quaker, "thou -shouldst not permit the chaps to come so near the lips." - - - - -TWINS - - -A farmer became the father of twins and on learning the news he was so -delighted that he hurried to the nearest post-office and sent this -telegram to his sister-in-law. - -"Twins to-day. More to-morrow." - - - - -A NATURAL OBJECTION - - -The Daylight Saving Bill has its detractors as well as its advocates. -Of the former it is said that milkmen are the chief, but as Jones said -to William: "It's but natural. A milkman would pour cold water on -anything." - - - - -BADLY PUT - - -A doctor of eminence was called up on the telephone by an anxious lady. -"Are you a baby specialist?" he was asked. - -"No," was the reply, "I'm a full-grown man." - - - - -A DOUBTFUL MARKET - - -A boy in an office was dissatisfied with his prospects and gave notice. -"You are making a mistake," said his employer, "you will do better to -remain here. Remember, a rolling stone gathers no moss." - -"Who wants moss?" replied the youth. "Where's the market for it, I -should like to know?" - - - - -SEQUENCES - - -An old gentleman engaged a footman, and having instructed him in his -duties asked him if he understood sequences. - -"I don't know, sir," replied the man; "will you please explain?" - -"Why," he said, "when I ask you to lay the cloth, you are to put the -knives, forks, salt, etc., on the table." - -"Oh, sir," replied the footman, "if that's all, no doubt I shall please -you." - -His master, being ill one morning, ordered him to fetch a nurse with all -speed. He did not return until late at night, and on being reproached -explained the delay by telling that he went and found the nurse who was -below; the sequences of a nurse, he thought, were a chemist, a doctor, a -surgeon, and an undertaker; and he had asked them all to attend--in fact -they were now waiting below. - - - - -TWO POINTS OF VIEW - - -A lawyer travelling by the Great Western to his circuit, wished to be -alone in order to study a brief, and having for his single companion a -mild clergyman, he got rid of him by affecting insanity. This he did so -naturally that all the clergyman's efforts, after the first quarter of -an hour, were directed to soothe and conciliate his fellow-passenger. -As they passed the great Middlesex Asylum, he observed, like a nurse -with a fractious child, "How pretty Hanwell looks from the railway." -"Ah," answered the lawyer, with a slight bark, "you should see how the -railway looks from Hanwell." At the next station the divine got out -precipitately, and left the lawyer to himself. - - - - -A CANNIBAL - - -Willie had reached the tender and somewhat difficult age of six when his -uncle Edward came on a visit. His first conversation proved rather -trying. - -"Uncle, you must be a sort o' cannibal. - -"A what, sir? What d'yer mean, sir?" returned the uncle. - -"'Cause mamma said you was always livin' on somebody!" - - - - -TO LET--UNFURNISHED - - -When it was suggested that the squire's son should enter Parliament he -was asked which side he would take. The young man replied that he would -vote with those who had the most to offer him, and that he should wear -on his forehead a label "To Let." "Do, Tom," commented his father, "and -write underneath those words 'unfurnished.'" - - - - -A FRIEND OF SATAN - - -A clergyman who was an enthusiastic geologist always carried his -specimens about in a handkerchief such as navvies use to carry their -dinners in. One day, as he was returning home with the handkerchief -full of specimens, he saw a navvy seated at the top of a well swearing -vigorously because he could not make the windlass work. - -"My friend," said the clergyman gravely, "do you know Satan?" - -"Satan," said the man; "who's he? Wait a moment, sir," he added, "I'll -ask my mate. Bill," he called, "do you know Satan?" - -The answer came from down the well: "No. Why?" - -"Well," said the one at the top, eyeing the handkerchief, "there's a -bloke up here wot's got his dinner!" - - - - -THE TEDDY BEAR - - -A little girl received a present of a Teddy Bear. Unfortunately one of -its eyes was injured in the post. Asked what name she had given it, the -child said, "I call it Gladly, because I read in a book the other day, -'Gladly my cross I'd bear.'" - - - - -BROTHERLY LOVE - - -"Ah!" said a conceited young parson, "I have this afternoon been -preaching to a congregation of asses." "Was that the reason why you -always called them beloved brethren?" a lady inquired. - - - - -CHRISTIAN PRINCIPLES - - -On his removal to Bath after his retirement, Quin, the actor, found -himself extravagantly charged for everything, and at the end of the week -complained of this to Beau Nash, saying that he had invited him to Bath -as being the cheapest place in England for a man of taste and a bon -vivant. Nash, himself no mean utterer of wit, replied saying that his -townsmen had acted upon truly Christian principles. "How so?" demanded -Quin. "Why!" concluded the Beau, "you were a stranger and they took you -in." - - - - -MULTIPLICATION - - -The little boy was discovered in front of the rabbit-hutch with a -perplexed frown on his forehead. "What's twice two?" he shouted. No -response. "What's twice two?" he repeated. "There, I knew teacher was -wrong when he said rabbits multiply quickly." - - - - -A BIBLICAL STORY - - -A clergyman during his first curacy found the ladies of the parish too -helpful. He soon left the place. Some while later he met his -successor. "How are you getting on with the ladies?" asked the escaped -curate. "Oh, very well," was the answer, "there's safety in numbers." -"I found it in Exodus," was the reply. - - - - -THE THOUGHTFUL MAID - - -"Bridget," said the mistress in a reproving tone of voice, "breakfast is -very late this morning. I noticed last night that you had company in -the kitchen, and it was nearly twelve o'clock when you went to bed." - -"It was, ma'am," admitted Bridget. "I knew you was awake, for I heard -ye movin' about; an' I said to meself ye'd need sleep this mornin', an' -I wouldn't disturb ye wid an early breakfast, ma'am." - - - - -HEMP - - -Two "nuts" were passing a field where a labourer was sowing. "Well, old -man," said one of them to him, "it's your business to sow, but we reap -the fruits of your labour." To which the countryman replied, "'Tis very -likely you may, truly; for I am sowing hemp." - - - - -GOOD ADVICE - - -"George," said the farmer half-way through the first banquet in which -his son took part, "be careful of the drink. When you see those two -lights at the end of the room appear to be four, you may be sure you -have had enough, and stop." "But, father," replied the interested son, -"I see only one light at present." - - - - -CHANGE AND REST - - -Bishop Creighton used to tell a story of the ready wit of Magee, his -predecessor in the see of Peterborough. Magee had been staying at some -country place, and on his leaving, the innkeeper had presented an -extortionate bill, at the same time expressing the hope that his visitor -had had change and rest. "No, indeed," was Magee's reply, "the waiter -has got the change and you have got the rest." - - - - -THE VOLUNTARY SYSTEM - - -A young recruit was somewhat perturbed regarding a regulation about -which his comrades had told him. "If you please, sergeant," he said, -"the other fellows say I've got to grow a moustache." "Oh, there's no -compulsion about growing a moustache, my lad; but you mustn't shave your -upper lip," was the reply. - - - - -THE WAY TO YORK - - -A traveller, lost on a Yorkshire moor, met a member of a shrewd and -plain-speaking sect. "This is the way to York, is it not?" said the -traveller. To which the other replied, "Friend, first thou tellest me a -lie, and then thou askest me a question." - - - - -THE WAY TO DO IT - - -A gentleman, having a light sovereign which he could not pass, gave it -to his Irish servant, and asked him to pass it. At night he asked him -if he had got rid of the coin. "Yes, sir," replied the man, "but I was -forced to be very sly; the people refused it at breakfast and at dinner; -so, at a cinema where the admission was threepence, I whipped it in -between two halfpence, and the man put it in his pocket and never saw -it." - - - - -LOT AND THE FLEA - - -"Children," said the Sunday school superintendent, "this picture -illustrates to-day's lesson: Lot was warned to take his wife and -daughters and flee out of Sodom. Here is Lot and his daughters, with -his wife just behind them; and there is Sodom in the background. Now has -any girl or boy a question before we take up the study of the lesson? -Well, Susie?" - -"Pleathe, thir," lisped the latest graduate from the infant class, -"where ith the flea?" - - - - -WHIST - - -Dr. Parr was very fond of whist and very impatient of any want of skill -on the part of those with whom he was playing. Taking a hand with three -poor players he was asked by a friend how he was getting on, and replied -with cutting sarcasm, "Pretty well, considering that I have three -adversaries." - - - - -A NEW PRESCRIPTION - - -An American doctor being called upon to prescribe for a child, whose -ailment was not clear to him, said to the nurse, "I'll give the little -cuss a powder, then it'll have a fit, and I'm a dab at fits." - - - - -JACOB'S LADDER - - -A clergyman had preached on the subject of Jacob's ladder, and his son, -who was present, was much impressed. A few days later he told his -father that he had dreamed about his father's discourse. "And what did -you see, my son?" "I dreamt," replied the boy, "that I saw a ladder -reaching from the ground up into the clouds. At the foot of the ladder -were many pieces of chalk and no one was allowed to ascend without -taking a piece for the purpose of placing a mark on each rung for each -sin committed." "Very interesting, my boy, and what else?" "Well, -father, I thought I would go up and I marked the rungs as I went, but I -hadn't got very far when I heard someone coming down." "Yes," said the -father, "and who was that?" "You, father," replied the boy. "I, -whatever was I coming down for?" "More chalk," was the reply. - - - - -A PORTRAIT - - -A photographer went with a friend to an exhibition of paintings. The -latter called his attention to a portrait of an angular lady in evening -dress. "Ha," he exclaimed in professional tones, "over-exposed and -underdeveloped." - - - - -BLOATERS - - -"If a bloater and a half cost three ha'pence, what would thirteen cost?" -Tommy did not know and was sent into an adjoining classroom to work out -the problem. The boy was very quiet, and on looking to see what he was -doing the master discovered him before a blackboard covered with -figures. "How are you getting on, Tommy?" he asked. "What was the -question, sir?" he replied. "If a bloater and a half----" "Oh, -bloaters--I've been working it out in kippers!" - - - - -A CONVENIENCE - - -During a cross-examination an undertaker produced his business card, on -which was a telegraphic address. He was asked why the latter should be -necessary. - -"Oh," interposed the judge, "I suppose it is for the convenience of -people who want to be buried in a hurry." - - - - -THE PRAYER MEETING - - -A clergyman met a parishioner of dissolute habits. "I was surprised but -very glad to see you at the prayer meeting last evening," he said. "So -that's where I was!" replied the man. - - - - -TAKING TIME - - -An old negro was taken ill, and called in a physician of his own race. -After a time, as there were no signs of improvement, he asked for a -white doctor. Soon after arriving, the doctor felt the old man's pulse, -and then examined his tongue. "Did your other doctor take your -temperature?" he asked. "I don't know, boss," replied the ailing negro, -"I hain't missed nothing but my watch as yet." - - - - -KING'S EVIDENCE - - -When Whitfield first went to America, observing, during his voyage, the -dissolute manners of the crew, he invited them to one of his pious -declamations, and took occasion to reprehend them for their loose manner -of living. "You will certainly," says he, "go to hell. Perhaps you may -think I will be an advocate for you; but, believe me, I will tell of all -your wicked actions." Upon this one of the sailors, turning to his -messmate, observed, "Ay, Jack, that's just the way at the Old Bailey; -the greatest rogue always turns king's evidence." - - - - -A PLEASANT PROSPECT - - -"Grandma, shall I have a face like you when I get old?" asked the -_enfant terrible_. - -"Yes, my dear, if you're good." - - - - -BALAAM'S SWORD - - -A student, showing the Museum at Oxford to a party, produced, among many -other curiosities, a rusty sword. "This," said he, "is a sword with -which Balaam was going to kill his ass." One of the company observed -that he thought Balaam had no sword, but only wished for one. "You are -right," replied the student, "and this is the very sword he wished for." - - - - -THE HONORARIUM - - -The local Council had decided that in consequence of untiring and -devoted service they would grant an honorarium to one of their staff. - -One of the oldest and most energetic members rose to speak in favour of -the presentation, but expressed his opinion that the Council certainly -ought to ascertain first whether the young man could play the -instrument. - - - - -MANNERS - - -A well-known cleric came to a stile occupied by a farm lad, who was -eating his bread and bacon luncheon. The boy making no attempt to allow -his reverence to pass, was told that he seemed to be "better fed than -taught." "Very likely," answered the lad, "for ye teaches Oi, but Oi -feeds meself." - - - - -SCOTCH UNDERSTANDING - - -A lady asked a very silly Scotch nobleman, how it happened that the -Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of -more abilities than those who remained at home. "Oh, madam," said he, -"the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to -examine all who pass, that, for the honour of the country, no one be -permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding." "Then," said -she, "I suppose your lordship was smuggled." - - - - -THE AVERAGE EGG - - -The teacher asked the arithmetic class: "What is the meaning of the word -average?" A small boy replied: "It's a thing that hens lay eggs on." -"Why?" "Because I've read that a hen lays an egg on an average once a -day." - - - - -FEELING IN THE RIGHT PLACE - - -A gentleman was one day relating to a Quaker a tale of deep distress, -and concluded very pathetically by saying, "I could not but feel for -him." "Verily, friend," replied the Quaker, "thou didst right in that -thou didst feel for thy neighbour; but didst thou feel in the right -place--didst thou feel in thy pocket?" - - - - -THE G.O.M. - - -A clergyman calling at Hawarden, while Mr. Gladstone still held the -reins, Mrs. Gladstone entertained him, till her husband, who was -upstairs writing, was disengaged. The minister lamented the terrible -state of affairs in Ireland and elsewhere, but added consolingly, "There -is One above us who will set all right." "Oh, yes," exclaimed Mrs. G., -"he'll be down directly." - - - - -A NEAT RETORT - - -A member of a celebrated theatrical family made his first appearance on -the operatic stage. His voice, however, was so bad that the conductor -of the orchestra called out to him at rehearsal: "Mr. Kemble, Mr. -Kemble, you are murdering the music." "My dear Sir," came the retort, -"it is far better to murder it outright than to keep on beating it as -you do." - - - - -A SYDNEY SMITH STORY - - -To a country squire, who having been worsted in an argument with his -rector, remarked, "If I had a son who was an idiot, by Jove! I'd make -him a parson," Sydney Smith quietly replied, "I see that your father was -of a different mind." - - - - -A COMMON DIFFICULTY - - -A man who had a large family, and but very moderate means to support -them, was lamenting to an acquaintance of no family and a large fortune -how difficult it was to make both ends meet. "We should not repine," -replied his friend; "He that sends mouths, sends food." "That I do not -deny," replied the other; "only permit me to observe, He has sent me the -mouths, and you the food." - - - - -MARY JONES - - -The Vicar, conducting a Sunday afternoon service, was trying to interest -the children in the Burial Service. - -He was dealing with the part which speaks of the changing of the earthly -body: but found several of his audience busily engaged in conversation. - -Determined to secure better attention if possible, he asked the -following question, "And now, Mary Jones, who made your vile body?" To -which came the ready answer, "Please, sir, mother did, and I made the -skirt." - - - - -DONALD COMPLIED - - -A gentleman having an estate in the Highlands advertised the shootings -to let, and told his gamekeeper, Donald, to praise the place for all it -was worth. - -An Englishman, inquiring of Donald as to how it was stocked with game, -first asked if it had any deer. - -Donald's reply was, "Thoosands of them." - -"Any grouse?" - -"Thoosands of them, too." - -"Any partridges?" - -"Thoosands of them, too." - -"Any woodcock?" - -"Thoosands of them, too." - -The Englishman, thinking Donald was drawing the long bow, asked if there -were any gorillas. Donald drew himself up. - -"Well, they are no' so plentifu'; they jist come occasionally, noo and -again, like yoursel'." - - - - -VEGETARIANISM - - -It is related of a coachman that his medical adviser prescribed animal -food as the best means of restoring health and activity. "Patrick," said -he, "you're run down a bit, that's all. What you need is animal food." -Remembering his case a few days afterwards, he called upon Pat at his -stable. "Well, Pat," he asked, "how are you getting on with the -treatment?" "Oh, shure, sir," Pat replied, "Oi manage all right with -the grain and oats, but it's mighty hard with the chopped hay." - - - - -FELLOW-FEELING - - -A doctor, being summoned to a vestry, in order to reprimand the sexton -for drunkenness, dwelt so long on the sexton's misconduct that the -latter was constrained to say: "Sir, I was in hopes you would have -treated my failings with more gentleness, and that you would have been -the last man alive to appear against me, as I have covered so many -blunders of yours." - - - - -JONAH AND THE WHALE - - -"I cannot conceive how Jonah could live in the stomach of a whale," -someone said to Father Healy one day. - -"Oh, that's nothing," was the reply, "I saw a friend coming out of a fly -this morning." - - - - -WHOLLY GOOD - - -At a religious meeting a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and -thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit -down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said gravely, "I think -if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her stockings, she -would not exhibit them in this way." This had the desired effect--she -immediately sat down. A young minister standing by, blushed to the -temples, and said, "O brother! how could you say what was not the fact." -"Not the fact!" replied the old gentleman; "if she had not a large hole -in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she gets them on." - - - - -"CAREFUL, NOW!" - - -"How is it, Mary, that whenever I enter the kitchen I always find a man -there?" enquired a mistress. - -"I don't know, ma'am, indeed, unless it be them there soft shoes ye -wears, that don't make no noise," replied Mary. - - - - -SAFETY - - -An English gentleman, travelling through the county of Kilkenny, came to -a ford, and hired a boat to take him across. The water being rather -more agitated than was agreeable to him, he asked the boatman if any -person was ever lost in the passage! "Never," replied Terence; "never. -My brother was drowned here last week; but we found him again the next -day." - - - - -O'BRIEN THE LUCID - - -"You are not opaque, are you?" sarcastically asked one man of another -who was standing in front of him at the theatre. "Faith, an' Oi'm not," -replied the other. "It's O'Brien that Oi am." - - - - -MERCY - - -An old woman walking down the church aisle during service in a large red -cloak, heard the minister say, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" then the -clerk repeated, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" and then the whole -congregation echoed, "Lord, have mercy upon us!" "Bless my heart!" -cried she, stopping short, "did ye never see an old woman in a red cloak -before." - - - - -A BULL - - -"Pat, can you tell me what is an Irish 'bull'?" asked an inquiring -tourist. "Well, if your honour has seen four cows lying down in a -field, an' one of them standing up, that 'ud be a bull!" retorted Pat -triumphantly. - - - - -A GOOD REASON - - -"That's a pretty bird, grandma," said a little boy. "Yes, and he never -cries," replied the old lady. "That's because he's never washed," -rejoined the youngster. - - - - -THE ARREST - - -"Now, Pat," said a magistrate sympathetically to an "old offender," -"what brought you here again?" "Two policemen, sor," was the laconic -reply. "Drunk, I suppose?" queried the magistrate. "Yes, sor," said -Pat, without relaxing a muscle, "both av them." - - - - -CHERUBIM AND SERAPHIM - - -"As you are well up in biblical points, will you tell us the difference -between the cherubim and seraphim?" Father Healy was once asked. - -"Well, I believe there was a difference between them a long time ago, -but they have since made it up." - - - - -SOLITUDE - - -An amusing anecdote is told by Schopenhauer in support of his theory of -the ridiculous. One man said to another, "I am very fond of taking long -walks by myself." "So am I," said the other; "our tastes are congenial, -so let us take long walks together." - - - - -A QUESTION OF NUMBERS - - -A nursery-maid was leading a little child up and down a garden. "Is't a -laddie or a lassie?" asked the gardener. "A laddie," said the maid. -"Weel," said he, "I'm glad o' that, for there's ower mony women in the -world." "Heck, mon," said Jess, "did ye no ken there's ay maist sown o' -the best crop?" - - - - -AMERICAN POULTRY - - -A wealthy Irish-American was proud of the opportunity to do the honours -and "show off" on the occasion of a visit to New York of one of his -compatriots from the "Ould Counthry." To dazzle him he invited him to -dine at one of the most notable and "toniest" of restaurants. "Now, me -bhoy," he said, "just you follow my lead, and I'll order everything of -the best." Seated at table, the host led off with--"Waiter, fetch a -couple of cocktails." His friend gave himself away, however, when he -whispered audibly--"Waiter, if ye don't moind, I'd rather have a wing." - - - - -GRACE MAL A PROPOS - - -A milliner's apprentice, about to wait upon a duchess, was fearful of -committing some error in her deportment. She therefore consulted a -friend as to the manner in which she should consult this great -personage, and was told that, on going before the duchess, she must say -her Grace, and so on. Accordingly, away went the girl, and, on being -introduced, after a very low curtsey, she said: "For what I am going to -receive, the Lord make me truly thankful." To which the duchess -answered: "Amen!" - - - - -THE POOR IDIOT - - -A dull preacher in a country church sent all the congregation to sleep, -except an idiot, who sat with open mouth, listening. The parson became -enraged, and, thumping the pulpit, exclaimed, "What! all asleep but this -poor idiot!" "Aye," replied the lad, "and if I had not been a poor -idiot, I should have been asleep too." - - - - -A WELSH WIG-GING - - -An Englishman and a Welshman were disputing in whose country was the -best living. Said the Welshman, "There is such noble housekeeping in -Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding -dinner." "Ay," answered the Englishman, "that was because every man -toasted his own cheese." - - - - -FORGIVENESS - - -"I intend to pray that you may forgive Casey for having thrown that -brick at you," said the parson, when he called to see a man who had been -worsted in a melee. "Mebbe yer riv'rence 'ud be saving toime if ye'd -just wait till Oi git well, an' then pray for Casey," replied the -patient. - - - - -AN ODD COMPARISON - - -Sir William B----, speaking at a parish meeting, made some proposals -which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to -the farmer, "do you know that I have been at the two Universities, and -at two colleges in each University?" "Well, sir," said the farmer, -"what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the more he -sucked, the greater calf he grew." - - - - -ACOUSTICS - - -When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great room in York Buildings, -for public orations, he happened at that time to be behindhand in his -payments to his workmen; and coming one day among them to see how they -were working, he ordered one of them to get into the rostrum and make a -speech, that he might observe how it could be heard. The fellow -mounting and scratching his pate, told him he knew not what to say, for -in truth he was no orator. "Oh!" said the knight, "no matter for that, -speak any thing that comes uppermost." "Why here, Sir Richard," says -the fellow, "we have been working for you these six months, and cannot -get one penny of money. Pray, Sir, when do you intend to pay us?" -"Very well, very well," said Sir Richard; "pray come down; I have heard -enough; I cannot but own that you speak very distinctly, though I don't -much admire your subject." - - - - -SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT - - -A boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighbourhood, who -had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can your -mag t-t-talk yet?" "Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than you, or I'd -wring his head off." - - - - -BRIGHT AND SHARP - - -A little boy having been much praised for his quickness of reply, a -gentleman present observed, that when children were keen in their youth, -they were generally stupid and dull when they were advanced in years, -and vice versa. "What a very sensible boy, sir, must you have been!" -returned the child. - - - - -SOFTNESS - - -A lady and gentleman conversing together, the latter observed that he -always slept in gloves, because it made his hands so soft. "Do you sleep -in your hat, too?" the lady asked. - - - - -AN EASY QUALIFICATION - - -Residence in the parish is, of course, required of those who desire -their banns to be proclaimed, and an expectant bride and bridegroom must -qualify themselves by staying several nights in the parish where such -banns are published. - -"Do you sleep in the parish?" asked a rector of an intending benedict. - -"Yes, sir, I have slept through several of your sermons," was the -surprising answer. - - - - -MISER'S CHARITY - - -An illiterate person, who always volunteered to "go round with the hat," -but was suspected of sparing his own pocket, overhearing once a hint to -that effect, replied, "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks -proper, and so do I. Charity's a private concern, and what I give is -nothing to nobody." - - - - -ON TAKING A WIFE - - -The great Sheridan, giving his son Tom a lecture, said, "You have been -fooling about as a bachelor quite long enough. You ought to settle down -and take a wife." Tom innocently asked, "Whose wife shall I take?" - - - - -THE THIRTY-NINE ARTICLES - - -A Bishop, arriving at the end of a railway journey, the porter began -collecting his luggage, and said: "How many articles are there, sir?" -"Thirty-nine," replied the Bishop imperturbably. The porter hunted -round, then said in despair: "There are only fourteen here, sir." "Ah," -said the Bishop, smiling, "you are evidently a dissenter." - - - - -THE DUCHESS AND THE CANONS - - -A good story of the late portly Duchess of Teck was told by Canon -Teignmouth Shore. Her Royal Highness was seated at dinner between Shore -and another canon when the former said that she must find herself in -rather an alarming position:-- - - "Canon to right of you, Canon to left of you, Volleys and - thunders." - -"Well," replied the Duchess, "this is the very first time I have been -connected with the Light Brigade." - - - - -HOW TO WIN - - -"Why is it, Dennis, that you are always fighting with Willie Simpkins? -I never hear of you quarrelling with any of the other boys in the -neighbourhood." "He's the only one I can lick," answered Dennis. - - - - -PIGS - - -The squire rides up to a farmhouse, and, seeing the small son of the -farmer outside, asks the youngster where his father is, and gets the -following reply: "Father is in yonder field with the pigs. You'll know -him--he's got a 'at on!" - - - - -BACON AND THE DEVIL - - -A Quaker bought from one Bacon a horse which proved to be unsound. -Meeting the seller shortly after he taxed him with bad faith and asked -him to take the horse back again. But this he refused to do, and -finding his remonstrances in vain the Quaker addressed him thus very -calmly, "Friend, thou hast doubtless heard of the devil entering the -herd of swine, and I find that he still sticks fast to the bacon. Good -morning to thee, friend." - - - - -HINTS TO MOTHERS - - -The inventor of a new feeding bottle for infants sent out the following -among his directions for using: "When the baby is done drinking it must -be unscrewed and laid in a cool place under the hydrant. If the baby -does not thrive on fresh milk, it should be boiled." - - - - -GARRICK AND THE DOCTOR'S FEE - - -A doctor accustomed to high fees had been attending Garrick, charging -two guineas a visit. The patient began to grudge this sum and at length -decided to halve it, and on the termination of a visit handed the doctor -the fee which he had resolved was sufficient. The physician began -looking about him as though in search of something. He was asked if he -had lost anything. "Sir," replied the doctor, "I believe I have dropped -a guinea." "No, doctor," said the patient with quiet significance, "it -is I that have dropped a guinea." - - - - -A SAFE SHOT - - -A City gentleman was invited down to the country for "a day with the -birds." His aim was not remarkable for its accuracy, to the great -disgust of the man in attendance, whose tip was generally regulated by -the size of the bag. "Dear me!" at last exclaimed the sportsman, "but -the birds seem exceptionally strong on the wing this year!" "Not all of -them, sir," was the answer. "You've shot at the same bird about a dozen -times. 'E's a-follering you about, sir." "Following me about? -Nonsense! Why should a bird do that?" "Well, sir," came the reply, "I -dunno, I'm sure, unless it's for safety." - - - - -HOW TO INDUCE PERSPIRATION - - -It is well known that the veterans who preside at the examinations of -surgeons question minutely those who wish to become qualified. After -answering very satisfactorily the numerous enquiries made, a young -gentleman was asked, if he wished to give his patient a profuse -perspiration, what would he prescribe? He mentioned many diaphoretic -medicines in case the first failed, but the unmerciful questioner thus -continued, "Pray, sir, suppose none of those succeeded, what step would -you take next?" "Why, sir," enjoined the harassed young Esculapius, "I -would send him here to be examined; and if that did not give him a -sweat, I do not know what would." - - - - -DIFFERENCES - - -Someone was endeavouring to convince a certain old lady by quotations -from Scripture on some point or other. "You see, Madam," said he, "St. -Paul in his Epistle to the Ephesians says," and he repeated the passage -to her (as he thought, very impressively). "Yes," replied the lady, very -collectedly, "I know all about that; but that's just where Paul and I -differ!" - - - - -COALS - - -During the high price of coals, a gentleman, meeting his coal-merchant, -asked whether it was a good time to lay in a stock? The knight of the -black diamonds shook his head, saying, "Coals are coals now, sir." To -which his customer replied, "I am very glad to hear it, for the last you -sent me were all slates." - - - - -MODESTY - - -Uncle George gave a children's party. Janet, aged eight, after a silence -asked him to help her to some more jam. "Certainly, Janet, but why not -help yourself?" The answer came pat, "Because I thought you'd give me -more." - - - - -AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK - - -Two ladies, sisters, of whom one was a widow and the other with a -husband still living in India, called at a house, and on the former -leaving, a gentleman offered to escort her to her carriage. But the -sisters resembled each other so much that he mistook the widow for the -married one, and when she remarked to him, on the way to the door, how -very hot it was, he replied, "Yes, but not so hot as where your husband -is!" - - - - -MODERN EDUCATION - - -Two navvies were arguing on education of the present day. - -One was of opinion that it was practically of little use, the other that -it was of the greatest value. "Look at my boy Jack," he said, "he can -answer any question you like to ask him. Here he comes, bringing my -dinner. You ask him anything you like." "Jack," said the other, "your -father tells me you are getting on well at school. How many are seven -and four?" "Twelve," was the prompt reply. - -"There you are," said the proud father, "right, within one, first -blooming guess." - - - - -THE RULING PASSION - - -One of the chosen people, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to -the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a -reprieve arrived. Moses was informed of this, and it was expected he -would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see his two -fellow-prisoners hanged; and being asked why he did not get about his -business, he said, "He waited to see if he could bargain with the -hangman for the two shentlemen's clo'." - - - - -EDUCATION - - -"Education is a good thing, Tim, an' don't you run it down." "Ever had -any of it, Pat?" "Me? Well, I should say yes. I went to night school -all one winter." "An' what did you get to show for it, Pat?" "What did -I get? I got four overcoats, three hats, and seven umbrellas. Don't -you tell me that going to school is a waste of time." - - - - -A LONG GRACE - - -A parish minister was in the habit of preaching two sermons on a Sunday -morning to save his parishioners another journey to church. A young girl -in the congregation became so tired and hungry that at the beginning of -the second sermon she whispered to her grandmother, who accompanied her, -"Come awa', granny, and gang hame, this is a lang grace, and na meat." - - - - -THE USE OF FALSE TEETH - - -The dinner had been a huge success, and a highly ornamented pie was much -praised. The cook having been complimented was asked how she had managed -to impart so much artistic taste into the design. "Well, mum," she -replied, "I did it with your false teeth." - - - - -HOW TO COLLECT - - -A public man was appealing on behalf of a certain charity, when a note -was handed up to him asking if it would be right for a bankrupt to -contribute in response to his appeal. The speaker referred to this in -the course of his lecture and said decidedly that such a person could -not do so in Christian honesty. "But, my friends," he added, "I would -advise you who are not insolvent not to pass the plate this evening, as -if you do the people will be sure to say: 'There's another bankrupt!'" - - - - -IMPERSONATION - - -_Captain_: "What's he charged with, Casey?" - -_Officer_: "I don't know the regular name fer it, captain; but I caught -him a-flirting in the park." - -_Captain_: "Ah, that's impersonatin' an officer." - - - - -A SMART RETORT - - -_Facetious Doctor_ (to artist): "The pictures which hang on the walls -are your failures, I suppose?" - -_Dyspeptic Artist_: "Yes. And that's where you doctors have the pull -over us. You can bury yours." - - - - -TRUTH WILL OUT - - -Jim was being chastised by his father, and a passer-by stopped to -enquire the reason for the punishment. He was informed that Jim had not -locked up the chicken house the previous night. "But surely that's not -a very bad offence: the chickens are sure to come home again." The -father replied hurriedly, "That's just where the trouble is, Mister, -they wouldn't _come_ home; they'd _go_ home." - - - - -SUNDAY AFTERNOON SERVICES - - -A young and energetic curate suggested to the vicar that Sunday -afternoon services should be held in the church for the school children. - -The Vicar gave his consent, and on the following Sunday afternoon the -curate marshalled the children in the churchyard four a-breast to march -into the church. - -He selected the hymn "Onward, Christian soldiers," and decided to -conduct them into the church, in real Salvation Army style, walking -backwards. - -On entering the church they commenced the verse, "See the mighty army, -Satan leading on;" and he wondered why the congregation laughed. - - - - -A NEW DISH - - -A shoemaker in Dublin, getting on well in the way of business, became -proud. One day there were customers in the shop when the shop-boy came -in to say that the mistress bid him say dinner was ready. "What's for -dinner, sir?" asked the shoemaker. "Herrings, sir," answered the boy. -"All right," said the shoemaker, and when he went up to dinner he -reprimanded the boy for not mentioning something decent and big, telling -the boy always to mention a good feed when there were any people in the -shop. A few days afterwards the boy came to say that dinner was ready. -"What's for dinner, sir?" asked the shoemaker. "Fish, sir," answered -the boy. "What sort of fish?" asked the shoemaker. "A whale, sir," -answered the boy. - - - - -FULL OF PLUCK - - -_Countryman_ (to dentist): "I wouldn't pay nothin' extra for gas. Jest -pull her out, even if it does hurt." - -_Dentist_: "You are plucky, sir. Let me see the tooth." - -_Countryman_: "Oh, 'tain't me that's got the toothache; it's me wife. -She'll be here in a minute." - - - - -CANDID ON BOTH SIDES - - -"I rise for information," said a member of the legislative body. "I am -very glad to hear it," said a bystander, "for no man wants it more." - - - - -THE LAW AND THE PROPHETS - - -A dispute about precedence once arose between a Bishop and a Judge, and, -after some altercation, the latter thought he would quite confound his -opponent by quoting the passage, "For on these two hang all the Law and -the Prophets." "Do you not see," said the lawyer in triumph, "that even -in this passage of Scripture, _we_ are mentioned first?" "I grant you," -said the Bishop, "_you_ hang first." - -LUCUS A NON LUCENDO - -A man living in a quiet country place invited a neighbour to dine and -spend the evening with him. The night being dark, when it was time to -go, the guest, who had done himself very well, begged to be allowed to -borrow a large lantern in the hall to light him on his way. The next -day the host sent his servant round with the following note: "Dear old -chap, I shall be glad to have back my parrot and cage if you have -finished with it." - - - - -THE ISLE OF MAN, AND A WOMAN - - -A lady was telling her doctor that her maid objected to going to the -Isle of Wight again, as the climate "was not embracing enough," and -added, "What am I to do with such a woman?" The doctor replied, "You -had better take her to the Isle of Man." - - - - -A CUNNING ELDER - - -A canny Scot had got himself installed in the eldership of the church, -and, in consequence, had for some time carried round the ladle for the -collections. He had accepted the office of elder because some wag had -made him believe that the remuneration was six-pence each Sunday, with a -bag of meal on New Year's Day. When the time arrived, he claimed his -reward, but was told he had been hoaxed. "It may be sae wi' the meal," -he said coolly, "but I took care of the saxpences mysel'." - - - - -AS YOU LIKE IT - - -An old Scotch laird used to say he didn't care how he dressed when in -London, "because nobody knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed -when at home, "because everybody knew him." - - - - -UNNECESSARY CIVILITY - - -Said the youth, in a triumphant tone, to the maid he was about to marry, -"Weel, Jenny, haven't I been unco ceevil?" alluding to the circumstance -that during their whole courtship he had never even given her a kiss. -Her quiet reply was, "Oo, ay, man--senselessly ceevil." - - - - -AT THE SIGN OF THE BARBER'S POLE - - -The scene was a hairdresser's, the front of which was so arranged that -passers-by could see what was taking place. A small boy approached and -observed the process of hair-cutting with some interest; the singeing of -a customer surprised the lad, who called to his chum, "Blimey, Charley, -they're looking for 'em with a light now." - - - - -AN IDENTIFICATION PLATE - - -Two Cockney boys were examining the mummies at the British Museum for -the first time, and one of them was much puzzled by the labels denoting -the age of the contents. "I wonder what those figures mean?" said -Charley, stopping before an exhibit marked B.C. 1500. "Garn, silly, -don't you know? That's the number of the motor what run over 'im." - - - - -TABLE OF COMPARISON - - -To instil into the mind of his son sound wisdom and business precepts -was Cohen senior's earnest endeavour. He taught his offspring much, -including the advantages of bankruptcy, failures, and fires. "Two -bankruptcies equal one failure, two failures equal one fire," etc. Then -Cohen junior looked up brightly. - -"Fadder," he asked, "is marriage a failure?" - -"Vell, my poy," was the parent's reply, "if you marry a really wealthy -woman, marriage is almost as good as a failure." - - - - -THE INTELLIGENT CAT - - -Two suburban gardeners were swearing vengeance on cats. - -"It appears to me," one said, that "they seem to pick out the choicest -plants to scratch out of the ground." - -"There's a big tomcat," the other said, "that fetches my plants out and -then sits and actually defies me." - -"Why don't you hurl a brick at him?" asked the first speaker. - -"That's what makes me mad," was the reply. "I can't. He gets on top of -my greenhouse to defy me." - - - - -HEAR! HEAR! - - -At a local "Parliament" a member much annoyed the House by continually -interrupting the speakers with cries of "Hear! Hear!" One of the latter -took the opportunity of alluding to a well-known political character of -the times, whom he represented as a person who wished to play the rogue, -but had only sense enough to play the fool. "Where," he exclaimed with -emphatic continuation, "where shall we find a more foolish knave or a -more knavish fool than this?" "Hear! Hear!" was instantly shouted from -the usual seat. The speaker bowed and sat down amidst convulsions of -laughter. - - - - -MISPLACING THE BLAME - - -"O-o-oo-oh! Bo-o-o-ho-oo!" - -As the childish wail rang through the house the anxious mother sprang to -her feet. Rushing into the hall, she met her little daughter coming in -from the garden and carrying a broken doll by the leg. - -"What's the matter, darling?" she asked tenderly. - -"O-o-oh, m-o-ther," howled the child, "Willie's broken my do-oll!" - -"The naughty boy! How did he do it?" - -"I-I-I hit him on the head wiv it!" was the slow response. - - - - -WHY HANGING CAUSES DEATH - - -A humorist asked a medical man, with an air of great seriousness, "Why -does hanging kill a man?" "Because," began, the explanation, -"inspiration is checked, circulation is stopped, and blood suffuses and -congests the brain----" "Bosh!" interrupted the wag, "it is because the -rope is not long enough to let his feet touch the ground." - - - - -MORAL QUALIFICATIONS - - -A very strong-minded Scotchwoman had been asking the character of a cook -she was about to engage. The lady whom the servant was leaving -naturally entered a little upon her moral qualifications, and described -her as a very decent woman. To which the first-named replied, "Oh, d--n -her decency, can she make good porridge?" - - - - -MEASURING HIS DISTANCE - - -A brow-beating counsel asked a witness how far he had been from a -certain place. "Just four yards, two feet, and six inches," was the -reply. "How came you to be so exact, my friend?" "Because I expected -some fool or other would ask me, and so I measured it." - - - - -AGRICULTURAL EXPERIENCES - - -A Suffolk clergyman asked a schoolboy what was meant in the Catechism by -succouring his father and mother. "Giving on 'em milk," was the prompt -reply. - - - - -THE LATIN FOR COLD - - -A schoolmaster asked one of his scholars, in the winter time, what was -the Latin for cold. "Oh! sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this -moment, although I have it at my fingers' ends." - - - - -THE CUT DIRECT - - -A gentleman having his hair cut was asked by the garrulous operator how -he would have it done?--"If possible," replied the gentleman, "in -silence." - - - - -COMMON WANT - - -In the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the -matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited -disputants, he began: - -"Gentlemen, all I want is common sense----" - -"Exactly," interrupted the chairman, "that is precisely what you _do_ -want!" - -The discussion was lost in a burst of laughter. - - - - -NOT TO BE BEATEN - - -A Highlander who prided himself on being able to play any tune on the -pipes perched himself on the side of one of his native hills one Sunday -morning and commenced blowing for all he was worth. - -Presently the minister came along and, going up to MacDougall with the -intention of severely reprimanding him, asked in a very harsh voice, -"MacDougall, do you know the Ten Commandments?" - -MacDougall scratched his chin for a moment and then, in an equally harsh -voice, said: - -"D'ye think you've beat me? Just whistle the first three or four bars, -and I'll hae a try at it." - - - - -AN ODD NOTION - - -A lady the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service, -inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?" - -"Please, ma'am, I don't live nowhere now," replied the girl; "I'm -married!" - - - - -"IF----" - - -"Faith, and it's meself as 'ill niver foind my shilling by the loight of -a match. If I 'adn't 'ave lost it I could 'ave bought a flashloight to -foind it with." - - - - -LATE AND EARLY - - -The regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes -and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a -superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very -late to the office." "Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but see how early I -go!" - - - - -A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE - - -"I keep an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her -boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little -upon it." - - - - -SHARP BOY - - -A mother admonishing her son (a lad about seven years of age), told him -he should never defer till to-morrow what he could do to-day. The little -urchin replied, "Then, mother, let's eat the remainder of the -plum-pudding tonight." - - - - -THE SENTRY AND HIS WATCH - - -"Soldiers must be fearfully dishonest," said a dear old lady in a -country village, "as it seems to be a nightly occurrence for a sentry to -be relieved of his watch." - - - - -CREDIT - - -A beautiful girl stepped into an American store and asked for a pair of -gloves. "Why," said a gallant but impudent clerk, "you may have them -for a kiss." "Agreed," said the young lady, pocketing the gloves, and -her eyes speaking daggers; "agreed; and as I see you give credit, you -may charge it in your books, and collect it the best way you can." - - - - -UNKIND - - -An indifferent artist, who thought himself an excellent painter, was -talking pompously about decorating the ceiling of his drawing-room. "I -am white-washing it," said he, "and in a short time I shall begin -painting." "I think," replied one of his audience, "you had better paint -it first, and white-wash it afterwards." - - - - -NOT COMPULSORY - - -A haughty gentleman entering a restaurant was accosted by the waiter -with the inquiry, "Soup, sir? Soup, sir?" The customer took no notice -and calmly removed his overcoat, on which the waiter reiterated his -question. Becoming angry, the gentleman said, "Is it compulsory?" -"No," was the reply, "It's oxtail, sir." - - - - -"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU!" - - -A Fellow of Jesus College was handicapped by stammering, but when he -used bad words he could talk fluently. In one of his solitary rambles a -countryman met him and inquired the road. "Tu-u-rn," was the reply, -"to-to-to--" and so on for a minute or two; at last he burst out, -"Confound it, man! you'll get there before I can tell you!" - - - - -AN UNHAPPY BENEDICT - - -A poor man came to his minister and begged to be unmarried, for he was -very unhappy. The minister assured him that was out of the question, and -urged him to put away the notion of anything so absurd. The man -insisted that the marriage could not hold good, for the wife was worse -than the devil. The minister demurred saying that was quite impossible. -"Na," said the poor man, "the Bible tells ye that if ye resist the deil -he flees frae ye, but if ye resist her she flees at ye." - - - - -A DIFFICULT TASK - - -A school inspector, finding that the boys whom he was examining were -inattentive, endeavoured to pull them together. - -"Now then," said he, "will somebody please give me a number and watch -how I make the figures?" - -"74," called out a youth, and the class gazed while the inspector wrote -on the board 47. - -Another number was called for and a boy cried out "65" the inspector -turned round and wrote 56. As the class took no notice the inspector -became annoyed, and asked the boys if they noticed nothing different in -the figures. Nobody replied, so he thought he would make another attempt -and called again for a number. A long pause ensued, but at last a boy -stood up and said 33, adding in a low tone, "See what you can do to -twist that round." - - - - -NON-RUNNERS - - -An old lady wrote to the S.P.C.A. to protest against the cruel practice -of scratching horses. She called special attention to a reference in the -morning paper saying that three horses had been scratched on the day of -the race--a most cruel and barbarous thing to do. - - - - -THE POLITE COUNTRYMAN - - -An Englishman being doubtful of his way inquired if he were on the right -road to Dunkeld. With the national inquisitiveness about strangers the -countryman asked his inquirer where he came from. Offended at the -liberty as he considered it, the traveller reminded the man that where -he came from was nothing to him, but all the reply he got was the quiet -rejoinder. "Indeed, it's just as little to me whar ye'r gaen." - - - - -A VIOLENT PARTNER - - -A gentleman well-known for the violence of his temper had occasion to -escort a lady down to dinner one evening. Unfortunately the lady was -extremely deaf, of which fact her partner was unaware. - -After they were seated, the gentleman addressed the lady, "Madam, may I -have the honour to help you to some fish?" But he got no reply; after a -pause but still in the most courteous accents, "Madam, have I your -permission to send you some fish?" Then a little quicker, "Are you -inclined to take fish?" Very quick, and rather peremptory, "Madam, do -you choose fish?" At last the storm burst, and to everybody's -consternation, with a loud thump on the table and stamp on the floor, -"D---- you, will you have any fish!" - - - - -WISDOM - - -An Irishman, being asked the meaning of the phrase "posthumous works" -readily answered, "Why, to be sure, they are the books that a man writes -after he is dead." - - - - -A DOUBTFUL POINT - - -A minister engaged in visiting members in his parish came to the door of -a house where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the noise of -discussion within. After waiting a little, he opened the door and -walked in, saying in an authoritative voice, "I should like to know who -is the head of this house." - -"Well, sir," said the husband, and father, "if you will sit down for a -little while, maybe we'll be able to tell you, for that is the very -point we are now trying to settle." - - - - -THE BETTER WAY - - -A loin of mutton was on a table, and the gentleman opposite to it took -the carving knife in hand. "Shall I cut it _saddlewise_?" he asked. -"You had better cut it _bridlewise_," replied the master of the house, -"for then we shall all stand a better chance to get a bit in our -mouths." - - - - -A GOOD REASON - - -"Janet, I think you hardly behave very respectfully to your own minister -in one respect," said the minister of a Scottish church to an -inattentive member of his congregation. - -"Me, sir," exclaimed Janet, "I wad like to see ony man, no to say ony -woman, but yoursel say that o' me! what can you mean, sir?" - -"Well, Janet, ye ken when I preach, you're almost always fast asleep -before I've well given out my text; but when any of these young men from -other parishes preach for me, I see you never sleep a wink. Now, that's -what I call no using me as you should do." - -"Hoot, sir," was the reply, "is that a'? I'll sune tell you the reason -of that. When you preach we a' ken the word of God's safe in your -hands; but when these young birkies tak' it in haun, my certie, but it -tak's us a' to look after them." - - - - -A NEW TEXT - - -A man having been to church and slept through the greater part of the -service was asked by his wife on reaching home what text had been used -for the sermon. The husband, confused at the question and unwilling to -show his ignorance stuttered out, "What profiteth it a man if he lose -the whole world and gain his own soul." - - - - -AN AUCTION - - -Among the conditions of sale by an Irish auctioneer was the following: -"The highest bidder to be the buyer, unless some gentleman bids more." - - - - -A REAL SPORT - - -A man went out rabbit-shooting, but could not get any sport. "So," said -he, "I lay down where they could not see me, and made a noise like a -turnip." - - - - -THE SCOTCHMAN'S SOUVENIR - - -An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman who had been on holidays were -comparing the souvenirs they had collected. The Englishman had a bust -of Shakespeare from Stratford-on-Avon, the Irishman a matchbox of bog -oak. "Oh," said the Scotchman, "you can't beat this," and he produced a -tea-spoon marked "L.&N.W.R." - - - - - PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN BY - WM. BRENDON AND SON. LTD., - PLYMOUTH. - - - - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK EVER HEARD THIS?*** - - - - -A Word from Project Gutenberg - - -We will update this book if we find any errors. - -This book can be found under: http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/39202 - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no one -owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation (and -you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without permission -and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, set forth in the -General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to copying and -distributing Project Gutenberg(tm) electronic works to protect the -Project Gutenberg(tm) concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a -registered trademark, and may not be used if you charge for the eBooks, -unless you receive specific permission. If you do not charge anything -for copies of this eBook, complying with the rules is very easy. You may -use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation of derivative -works, reports, performances and research. They may be modified and -printed and given away - you may do practically _anything_ with public -domain eBooks. Redistribution is subject to the trademark license, -especially commercial redistribution. - - - -The Full Project Gutenberg License - - -_Please read this before you distribute or use this work._ - -To protect the Project Gutenberg(tm) mission of promoting the free -distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work (or -any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project -Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project -Gutenberg(tm) License available with this file or online at -http://www.gutenberg.org/license. - - -Section 1. General Terms of Use & Redistributing Project Gutenberg(tm) -electronic works - - -*1.A.* By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg(tm) -electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to -and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property -(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all the -terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy all -copies of Project Gutenberg(tm) electronic works in your possession. If -you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project -Gutenberg(tm) electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the -terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or -entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. - -*1.B.* "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be -used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who -agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few things -that you can do with most Project Gutenberg(tm) electronic works even -without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See paragraph -1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project -Gutenberg(tm) electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement -and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg(tm) electronic -works. See paragraph 1.E below. - -*1.C.* The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the -Foundation" or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of -Project Gutenberg(tm) electronic works. Nearly all the individual works -in the collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an -individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are -located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you -from copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating -derivative works based on the work as long as all references to Project -Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the -Project Gutenberg(tm) mission of promoting free access to electronic -works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg(tm) works in compliance with -the terms of this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg(tm) name -associated with the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this -agreement by keeping this work in the same format with its attached full -Project Gutenberg(tm) License when you share it without charge with -others. - -*1.D.* The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern -what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in -a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check -the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement -before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or -creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project -Gutenberg(tm) work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning -the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United -States. - -*1.E.* Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: - -*1.E.1.* The following sentence, with active links to, or other -immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg(tm) License must appear -prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg(tm) work (any work -on which the phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the -phrase "Project Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, -performed, viewed, copied or distributed: - - This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with - almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away - or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License - included with this eBook or online at http://www.gutenberg.org - -*1.E.2.* If an individual Project Gutenberg(tm) electronic work is -derived from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating -that it is posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can -be copied and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying -any fees or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a -work with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on -the work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs -1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the -Project Gutenberg(tm) trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or -1.E.9. - -*1.E.3.* If an individual Project Gutenberg(tm) electronic work is -posted with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and -distribution must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and -any additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms -will be linked to the Project Gutenberg(tm) License for all works posted -with the permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of -this work. - -*1.E.4.* Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project -Gutenberg(tm) License terms from this work, or any files containing a -part of this work or any other work associated with Project -Gutenberg(tm). - -*1.E.5.* Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this -electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without -prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with -active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project -Gutenberg(tm) License. - -*1.E.6.* You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, -compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any -word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or -distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg(tm) work in a format other than -"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version -posted on the official Project Gutenberg(tm) web site -(http://www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or -expense to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a -means of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original -"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other form. Any alternate format must include -the full Project Gutenberg(tm) License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. - -*1.E.7.* Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, -performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg(tm) works -unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. - -*1.E.8.* You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing -access to or distributing Project Gutenberg(tm) electronic works -provided that - - - You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from - the use of Project Gutenberg(tm) works calculated using the method - you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed - to the owner of the Project Gutenberg(tm) trademark, but he has - agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid - within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are - legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty - payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project - Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in - Section 4, "Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg - Literary Archive Foundation." - - - You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies - you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he - does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg(tm) - License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all - copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue - all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg(tm) - works. - - - You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of - any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the - electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of - receipt of the work. - - - You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free - distribution of Project Gutenberg(tm) works. - - -*1.E.9.* If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project -Gutenberg(tm) electronic work or group of works on different terms than -are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing -from both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael -Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg(tm) trademark. Contact the -Foundation as set forth in Section 3. below. - -*1.F.* - -*1.F.1.* Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable -effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread -public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg(tm) collection. -Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg(tm) electronic works, and the -medium on which they may be stored, may contain "Defects," such as, but -not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or corrupt data, transcription -errors, a copyright or other intellectual property infringement, a -defective or damaged disk or other medium, a computer virus, or computer -codes that damage or cannot be read by your equipment. - -*1.F.2.* LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right -of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project -Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project -Gutenberg(tm) trademark, and any other party distributing a Project -Gutenberg(tm) electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all -liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal fees. -YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT LIABILITY, -BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE PROVIDED IN -PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE TRADEMARK OWNER, AND -ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR -ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR INCIDENTAL DAMAGES -EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH DAMAGE. - -*1.F.3.* LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a -defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can -receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a -written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you -received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with -your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with -the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a -refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity -providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to -receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy -is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further -opportunities to fix the problem. - -*1.F.4.* Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth -in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER -WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO -WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. - -*1.F.5.* Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied -warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. -If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the -law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be -interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by -the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any -provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. - -*1.F.6.* INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the -trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone -providing copies of Project Gutenberg(tm) electronic works in accordance -with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, -promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg(tm) electronic works, -harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, -that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do -or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg(tm) -work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any -Project Gutenberg(tm) work, and (c) any Defect you cause. - - -Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg(tm) - - -Project Gutenberg(tm) is synonymous with the free distribution of -electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers -including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists -because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from -people in all walks of life. - -Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the -assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg(tm)'s -goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg(tm) collection will remain -freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project Gutenberg -Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure and -permanent future for Project Gutenberg(tm) and future generations. To -learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and -how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 and the -Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org . - - -Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive -Foundation - - -The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit -501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the state -of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal Revenue -Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification number is -64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at -http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf . Contributions to the -Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the -full extent permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. - -The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. -S. Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered -throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 -North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email -business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact -information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official page -at http://www.pglaf.org - -For additional contact information: - - Dr. Gregory B. Newby - Chief Executive and Director - gbnewby@pglaf.org - - -Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation - - -Project Gutenberg(tm) depends upon and cannot survive without wide -spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of -increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be -freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest -array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations -($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt -status with the IRS. - -The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating -charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United -States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a -considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up -with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations where -we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND -DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state -visit http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate - -While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we -have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition -against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who -approach us with offers to donate. - -International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make any -statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from outside -the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. - -Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation -methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other ways -including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To donate, -please visit: http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate - - -Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg(tm) electronic -works. - - -Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg(tm) -concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared -with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project -Gutenberg(tm) eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. - -Project Gutenberg(tm) eBooks are often created from several printed -editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. unless -a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily keep eBooks -in compliance with any particular paper edition. - -Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's eBook -number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII, -compressed (zipped), HTML and others. - -Corrected _editions_ of our eBooks replace the old file and take over -the old filename and etext number. The replaced older file is renamed. -_Versions_ based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving -new filenames and etext numbers. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: - - http://www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg(tm), -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |