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diff --git a/old/im29b10.txt b/old/im29b10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..54e2ac2 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/im29b10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8959 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext of Child of a Century, Alfred de Musset, entire +#29 in our series The French Immortals Crowned by the French Academy +#4 in our series by Alfred de Musset + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the laws for your country before redistributing these files!!!!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. + +Please do not remove this. + +This should be the first thing seen when anyone opens the book. +Do not change or edit it without written permission. 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At thirty De Musset was already an old man, seeking +in artificial stimuli the youth that would not spring again. Coming from +a literary family the zeal of his house had eaten him up; his passion had +burned itself out and his heart with it. He had done his work; it +mattered little to him or to literature whether the curtain fell on his +life's drama in 1841 or in 1857. + +Alfred de Musset, by virtue of his genial, ironical temperament, +eminently clear brain, and undying achievements, belongs to the great +poets of the ages. We to-day do not approve the timbre of his epoch: +that impertinent, somewhat irritant mask, that redundant rhetoric, that +occasional disdain for the metre. Yet he remains the greatest poete de +l'amour, the most spontaneous, the most sincere, the most emotional +singer of the tender passion that modern times has produced. + +Born of noble parentage on December 11, 1810--his full name being Louis +Charles Alfred de Musset--the son of De Musset-Pathai, he received his +education at the College Henri IV, where, among others, the Duke of +Orleans was his schoolmate. When only eighteen he was introduced into +the Romantic 'cenacle' at Nodier's. His first work, 'Les Contes +d'Espagne et d'Italie' (1829), shows reckless daring in the choice of +subjects quite in the spirit of Le Sage, with a dash of the dandified +impertinence that mocked the foibles of the old Romanticists. However, +he presently abandoned this style for the more subjective strain of 'Les +Voeux Steyiles, Octave, Les Secretes Pensees de Rafael, Namouna, and +Rolla', the last two being very eloquent at times, though immature. +Rolla (1833) is one of the strongest and most depressing of his works; +the sceptic regrets the faith he has lost the power to regain, and +realizes in lurid flashes the desolate emptiness of his own heart. At +this period the crisis of his life was reached. He accompanied George +Sand to Italy, a rupture between them occurred, and De Musset returned to +Paris alone in 1834. + +More subdued sadness is found in 'Les Nuits' (1832-1837), and in 'Espoir +en Dieu' (1838), etc., and his 'Lettre a Lamartine' belongs to the most +beautiful pages of French literature. But henceforth his production +grows more sparing and in form less romantic, although 'Le Rhin +Allemand', for example, shows that at times he can still gather up all +his powers. The poet becomes lazy and morose, his will is sapped by a +wild and reckless life, and one is more than once tempted to wish that +his lyre had ceased to sing. + +De Musset's prose is more abundant than his lyrics or his dramas. It is +of immense value, and owes its chief significance to the clearness with +which it exhibits the progress of his ethical disintegration. In +'Emmeline (1837) we have a rather dangerous juggling with the psychology +of love. Then follows a study of simultaneous love, 'Les Deux +Mattresses' (1838), quite in the spirit of Jean Paul. He then wrote +three sympathetic depictions of Parisian Bohemia: 'Frederic et +Bernadette, Mimi Pinson, and Le Secret de Javotte', all in 1838. +'Le Fils de Titien (1838) and Croiselles' (1839) are carefully elaborated +historical novelettes; the latter is considered one of his best works, +overflowing with romantic spirit, and contrasting in this respect +strangely with 'La Mouche' (1853), one of the last flickerings of his +imagination. 'Maggot' (1838) bears marks of the influence of George Sand; +'Le Merle Blanc' (1842) is a sort of allegory dealing with their quarrel. +'Pierre et Camille' is a pretty but slight tale of a deaf-mute's love. +His greatest work, 'Confession d'un Enfant du Siecle', crowned with +acclaim by the French Academy, and classic for all time, was written in +1836, when the poet, somewhat recovered from the shock, relates his +unhappy Italian experience. It is an ambitious and deeply interesting +work, and shows whither his dread of all moral compulsion and self- +control was leading him. + +De Musset also wrote some critical essays, witty and satirical in tone, +in which his genius appears in another light. It is not generally known +that he was the translator into French of De Quincey's 'Confessions of an +Opium Eater' (1828). He was also a prominent contributor to the 'Revue +des Deux Mondes.' In 1852 he was elected to the French Academy, but +hardly ever appeared at the sessions. A confrere once made the remark: +"De Musset frequently absents himself," whereupon it is said another +Immortal answered, "And frequently absinthe's himself!" + +While Brunetiere, Lemattre, and others consider De Musset a great +dramatist, Sainte-Beuve, singularly enough, does not appreciate him as a +playwright. Theophile Gautier says about 'Un Caprice' (1847): "Since the +days of Marivaux nothing has been produced in 'La Comedie Francaise' so +fine, so delicate, so dainty, than this tender piece, this chef-d'oeuvre, +long buried within the pages of a review; and we are greatly indebted to +the Russians of St. Petersburg, that snow-covered Athens, for having dug +up and revived it." Nevertheless, his bluette, 'La Nuit Venetienne', was +outrageously treated at the Odeon. The opposition was exasperated by the +recent success of Hugo's 'Hernani.' Musset was then in complete accord +with the fundamental romantic conception that tragedy must mingle with +comedy on the stage as well as in life, but he had too delicate a taste +to yield to the extravagance of Dumas and the lesser romanticists. All +his plays, by the way, were written for the 'Revue des Deux Mondes' +between 1833 and 1850, and they did not win a definite place on the stage +till the later years of the Second Empire. In some comedies the dialogue +is unequalled by any writer since the days of Beaumarchais. Taine says +that De Musset has more real originality in some respects than Hugo, and +possesses truer dramatic genius. Two or three of his comedies will +probably hold the stage longer than any dramatic work of the romantic +school. They contain the quintessence of romantic imaginative art; they +show in full flow that unchecked freedom of fancy which, joined to the +spirit of realistic comedy, produces the modern French drama. Yet De +Musset's prose has in greater measure the qualities that endure. + +The Duke of Orleans created De Musset Librarian in the Department of the +Interior. It was sometimes stated that there was no library at all. It +is certain that it was a sinecure, though the pay, 3,000 francs, was +small. In 1848 the Duke had the bad taste to ask for his resignation, +but the Empire repaired the injury. Alfred de Musset died in Paris, +May 2, 1857. + HENRI DE BORNIER + de l'Academie Francaise. + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF A CHILD OF THE CENTURY + + +BOOK 1. + + +PART I + +CHAPTER I + +TO THE READER + +Before the history of any life can be written, that life must be lived; +so that it is not my life that I am now writing. Attacked in early youth +by an abominable moral malady, I here narrate what happened to me during +the space of three years. Were I the only victim of that disease, I +would say nothing, but as many others suffer from the same evil, I write +for them, although I am not sure that they will give heed to me. Should +my warning be unheeded, I shall still have reaped the fruit of my +agonizing in having cured myself, and, like the fox caught in a trap, +shall have gnawed off my captive foot. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +REFLECTIONS + +During the wars of the Empire, while husbands and brothers were in +Germany, anxious mothers gave birth to an ardent, pale, and neurotic +generation. Conceived between battles, reared amid the noises of war, +thousands of children looked about them with dull eyes while testing +their limp muscles. From time to time their blood-stained fathers would +appear, raise them to their gold-laced bosoms, then place them on the +ground and remount their horses. + +The life of Europe centred in one man; men tried to fill their lungs with +the air which he had breathed. Yearly France presented that man with +three hundred thousand of her youth; it was the tax to Caesar; without +that troop behind him, he could not follow his fortune. It was the +escort he needed that he might scour the world, and then fall in a little +valley on a deserted island, under weeping willows. + +Never had there been so many sleepless nights as in the time of that man; +never had there been seen, hanging over the ramparts of the cities, such +a nation of desolate mothers; never was there such a silence about those +who spoke of death. And yet there was never such joy, such life, such +fanfares of war, in all hearts. Never was there such pure sunlight as +that which dried all this blood. God made the sun for this man, men +said; and they called it the Sun of Austerlitz. But he made this +sunlight himself with his ever-booming guns that left no clouds but those +which succeed the day of battle. + +It was this air of the spotless sky, where shone so much glory, where +glistened so many swords, that the youth of the time breathed. They well +knew that they were destined to the slaughter; but they believed that +Murat was invulnerable, and the Emperor had been seen to cross a bridge +where so many bullets whistled that they wondered if he were mortal. +And even if one must die, what did it matter? Death itself was so +beautiful, so noble, so illustrious, in its battle-scarred purple! +It borrowed the color of hope, it reaped so many immature harvests that +it became young, and there was no more old age. All the cradles of +France, as indeed all its tombs, were armed with bucklers; there were no +more graybeards, there were only corpses or demi-gods. + +Nevertheless the immortal Emperor stood one day on a hill watching seven +nations engaged in mutual slaughter, not knowing whether he would be +master of all the world or only half. Azrael passed, touched the warrior +with the tip of his wing, and hurled him into the ocean. At the noise of +his fall, the dying Powers sat up in their beds of pain; and stealthily +advancing with furtive tread, the royal spiders made partition of Europe, +and the purple of Caesar became the motley of Harlequin. + +Just as the traveller, certain of his way, hastes night and day through +rain and sunlight, careless of vigils or of dangers, but, safe at home +and seated before the fire, is seized by extreme lassitude and can hardly +drag himself to bed, so France, the widow of Caesar, suddenly felt her +wound. She fell through sheer exhaustion, and lapsed into a coma so +profound that her old kings, believing her dead, wrapped about her a +burial shroud. The veterans, their hair whitened in service, returned +exhausted, and the hearths of deserted castles sadly flickered into life. + +Then the men of the Empire, who had been through so much, who had lived +in such carnage, kissed their emaciated wives and spoke of their first +love. They looked into the fountains of their native fields and found +themselves so old, so mutilated, that they bethought themselves of their +sons, in order that these might close the paternal eyes in peace. They +asked where they were; the children came from the schools, and, seeing +neither sabres, nor cuirasses, neither infantry nor cavalry, asked in +turn where were their fathers. They were told that the war was ended, +that Caesar was dead, and that the portraits of Wellington and of Blucher +were suspended in the ante-chambers of the consulates and the embassies, +with this legend beneath: 'Salvatoribus mundi'. + +Then came upon a world in ruins an anxious youth. The children were +drops of burning blood which had inundated the earth; they were born in +the bosom of war, for war. For fifteen years they had dreamed of the +snows of Moscow and of the sun of the Pyramids. + +They had not gone beyond their native towns; but had been told that +through each gateway of these towns lay the road to a capital of Europe. +They had in their heads a world; they saw the earth, the sky, the streets +and the highways; but these were empty, and the bells of parish churches +resounded faintly in the distance. + +Pale phantoms, shrouded in black robes, slowly traversed the countryside; +some knocked at the doors of houses, and, when admitted, drew from their +pockets large, well-worn documents with which they evicted the tenants. +From every direction came men still trembling with the fear that had +seized them when they had fled twenty years before. All began to urge +their claims, disputing loudly and crying for help; strange that a single +death should attract so many buzzards. + +The King of France was on his throne, looking here and there to see if he +could perchance find a bee [symbol of Napoleon D.W.] in the royal +tapestry. Some men held out their hats, and he gave them money; others +extended a crucifix and he kissed it; others contented themselves with +pronouncing in his ear great names of powerful families, and he replied +to these by inviting them into his grand salle, where the echoes were +more sonorous; still others showed him their old cloaks, when they had +carefully effaced the bees, and to these he gave new robes. + +The children saw all this, thinking that the spirit of Caesar would soon +land at Cannes and breathe upon this larva; but the silence was unbroken, +and they saw floating in the sky only the paleness of the lily. When +these children spoke of glory, they met the answer: + +"Become priests;" when they spoke of hope, of love, of power, of life: +"Become priests." + +And yet upon the rostrum came a man who held in his hand a contract +between king and people. He began by saying that glory was a beautiful +thing, and ambition and war as well; but there was something still more +beautiful, and it was called liberty. + +The children raised their heads and remembered that thus their +grandfathers had spoken. They remembered having seen in certain obscure +corners of the paternal home mysterious busts with long marble hair and a +Latin inscription; they remembered how their grandsires shook their heads +and spoke of streams of blood more terrible than those of the Empire. +Something in that word liberty made their hearts beat with the memory of +a terrible past and the hope of a glorious future. + +They trembled at the word; but returning to their homes they encountered +in the street three coffins which were being borne to Clamart; within +were three young men who had pronounced that word liberty too distinctly. + +A strange smile hovered on their lips at that sad sight; but other +speakers, mounted on the rostrum, began publicly to estimate what +ambition had cost and how very dear was glory; they pointed out the +horror of war and called the battle-losses butcheries. They spoke so +often and so long that all human illusions, like the trees in autumn, +fell leaf by leaf about them, and those who listened passed their hands +over their foreheads as if awakening from a feverish dream. + +Some said: "The Emperor has fallen because the people wished no more of +him;" others added: "The people wished the king; no, liberty; no, reason; +no, religion; no, the English constitution; no, absolutism;" and the last +one said: "No, none of these things, but simply peace." + +Three elements entered into the life which offered itself to these +children: behind them a past forever destroyed, still quivering on its +ruins with all the fossils of centuries of absolutism; before them the +aurora of an immense horizon, the first gleams of the future; and between +these two worlds--like the ocean which separates the Old World from the +New--something vague and floating, a troubled sea filled with wreckage, +traversed from time to time by some distant sail or some ship trailing +thick clouds of smoke; the present, in a word, which separates the past +from the future, which is neither the one nor the other, which resembles +both, and where one can not know whether, at each step, one treads on +living matter or on dead refuse. + +It was in such chaos that choice had to be made; this was the aspect +presented to children full of spirit and of audacity, sons of the Empire +and grandsons of the Revolution. + +As for the past, they would none of it, they had no faith in it; the +future, they loved it, but how? As Pygmalion before Galatea, it was for +them a lover in marble, and they waited for the breath of life to animate +that breast, for blood to color those veins. + +There remained then the present, the spirit of the time, angel of the +dawn which is neither night nor day; they found him seated on a lime-sack +filled with bones, clad in the mantle of egoism, and shivering in +terrible cold. The anguish of death entered into the soul at the sight +of that spectre, half mummy and half foetus; they approached it as does +the traveller who is shown at Strasburg the daughter of an old count of +Sarvenden, embalmed in her bride's dress: that childish skeleton makes +one shudder, for her slender and livid hand wears the wedding-ring and +her head decays enwreathed in orange-blossoms. + +As on the approach of a tempest there passes through the forests a +terrible gust of wind which makes the trees shudder, to which profound +silence succeeds, so had Napoleon, in passing, shaken the world; kings +felt their crowns oscillate in the storm, and, raising hands to steady +them, found only their hair, bristling with terror. The Pope had +travelled three hundred leagues to bless him in the name of God and to +crown him with the diadem; but Napoleon had taken it from his hands. +Thus everything trembled in that dismal forest of old Europe; then +silence succeeded. + +It is said that when you meet a mad dog, if you keep quietly on your way +without turning, the dog will merely follow you a short distance growling +and showing his teeth; but if you allow yourself to be frightened into a +movement of terror, if you but make a sudden step, he will leap at your +throat and devour you; that when the first bite has been taken there is +no escaping him. + +In European history it has often happened that a sovereign has made such +a movement of terror and his people have devoured him; but if one had +done it, all had not done it at the same time--that is to say, one king +had disappeared, but not all royal majesty. Before the sword of Napoleon +majesty made this movement, this gesture which ruins everything, not only +majesty but religion, nobility, all power both human and divine. + +Napoleon dead, human and divine power were reestablished, but belief in +them no longer existed. A terrible danger lurks in the knowledge of what +is possible, for the mind always goes farther. It is one thing to say: +"That may be" and another thing to say: "That has been;" it is the first +bite of the dog. + +The fall of Napoleon was the last flicker of the lamp of despotism; it +destroyed and it parodied kings as Voltaire the Holy Scripture. And +after him was heard a great noise: it was the stone of St. Helena which +had just fallen on the ancient world. Immediately there appeared in the +heavens the cold star of reason, and its rays, like those of the goddess +of the night, shedding light without heat, enveloped the world in a livid +shroud. + +There had been those who hated the nobles, who cried out against priests, +who conspired against kings; abuses and prejudices had been attacked; but +all that was not so great a novelty as to see a smiling people. If a +noble or a priest or a sovereign passed, the peasants who had made war +possible began to shake their heads and say: "Ah! when we saw this man in +such a time and place he wore a different face." And when the throne and +altar were mentioned, they replied: "They are made of four planks of +wood; we have nailed them together and torn them apart." And when some +one said: "People, you have recovered from the errors which led you +astray; you have recalled your kings and your priests," they replied: +"We have nothing to do with those prattlers." And when some one said +"People, forget the past, work and obey," they arose from their seats and +a dull jangling could be heard. It was the rusty and notched sabre in +the corner of the cottage chimney. Then they hastened to add: "Then keep +quiet, at least; if no one harms you, do not seek to harm." Alas! they +were content with that. + +But youth was not content. It is certain that there are in man two +occult powers engaged in a death-struggle: the one, clear-sighted and +cold, is concerned with reality, calculation, weight, and judges the +past; the other is athirst for the future and eager for the unknown. +When passion sways man, reason follows him weeping and warning, him of +his danger; but when man listens to the voice of reason, when he stops at +her request and says: "What a fool I am; where am I going?" passion +calls to him: "Ah, must I die?" + +A feeling of extreme uneasiness began to ferment in all young hearts. +Condemned to inaction by the powers which governed the world, delivered +to vulgar pedants of every kind, to idleness and to ennui, the youth saw +the foaming billows which they had prepared to meet, subside. All these +gladiators glistening with oil felt in the bottom of their souls an +insupportable wretchedness. The richest became libertines; those of +moderate fortune followed some profession and resigned themselves to the +sword or to the church. The poorest gave themselves up with cold +enthusiasm to great thoughts, plunged into the frightful sea of aimless +effort. As human weakness seeks association and as men are gregarious by +nature, politics became mingled with it. There were struggles with the +'garde du corps' on the steps of the legislative assembly; at the theatre +Talma wore a wig which made him resemble Caesar; every one flocked to the +burial of a Liberal deputy. + +But of the members of the two parties there was not one who, upon +returning home, did not bitterly realize the emptiness of his life and +the feebleness of his hands. + +While life outside was so colorless and so mean, the inner life of +society assumed a sombre aspect of silence; hypocrisy ruled in all +departments of conduct; English ideas, combining gayety with devotion, +had disappeared. Perhaps Providence was already preparing new ways, +perhaps the herald angel of future society was already sowing in the +hearts of women the seeds of human independence. But it is certain that +a strange thing suddenly happened: in all the salons of Paris the men +passed on one side and the women on the other; and thus, the one clad in +white like brides, and the other in black like orphans, began to take +measure of one another with the eye. + +Let us not be deceived: that vestment of black which the men of our time +wear is a terrible symbol; before coming to this, the armor must have +fallen piece by piece and the embroidery flower by flower. Human reason +has overthrown all illusions; but it bears in itself sorrow, in order +that it may be consoled. + +The customs of students and artists, those customs so free, so beautiful, +so full of youth, began to experience the universal change. Men in +taking leave of women whispered the word which wounds to the death: +contempt. They plunged into the dissipation of wine and courtesans. +Students and artists did the same; love was treated as were glory and +religion: it was an old illusion. The grisette, that woman so dreamy, +so romantic, so tender, and so sweet in love, abandoned herself to the +counting-house and to the shop. She was poor and no one loved her; she +needed gowns and hats and she sold herself. Oh! misery! the young man +who ought to love her, whom she loved, who used to take her to the woods +of Verrieres and Romainville, to the dances on the lawn, to the suppers +under the trees; he who used to talk with her as she sat near the lamp in +the rear of the shop on the long winter evenings; he who shared her crust +of bread moistened with the sweat of her brow, and her love at once +sublime and poor; he, that same man, after abandoning her, finds her +after a night of orgy, pale and leaden, forever lost, with hunger on her +lips and prostitution in her heart. + +About this time two poets, whose genius was second only to that of +Napoleon, consecrated their lives to the work of collecting the elements +of anguish and of grief scattered over the universe. Goethe, the +patriarch of a new literature, after painting in his Weyther the passion +which leads to suicide, traced in his Faust the most sombre human +character which has ever represented evil and unhappiness. His writings +began to pass from Germany into France. From his studio, surrounded by +pictures and statues, rich, happy, and at ease, he watched with a +paternal smile his gloomy creations marching in dismal procession across +the frontiers of France. Byron replied to him in a cry of grief which +made Greece tremble, and hung Manfred over the abyss, as if oblivion were +the solution of the hideous enigma with which he enveloped him. + +Pardon, great poets! who are now but ashes and who sleep in peace! +Pardon, ye demigods, for I am only a child who suffers. But while I +write all this I can not but curse you. Why did you not sing of the +perfume of flowers, of the voices of nature, of hope and of love, of the +vine and the sun, of the azure heavens and of beauty? You must have +understood life, you must have suffered; the world was crumbling to +pieces about you; you wept on its ruins and you despaired; your +mistresses were false; your friends calumniated, your compatriots +misunderstood; your heart was empty; death was in your eyes, and you were +the Colossi of grief. But tell me, noble Goethe, was there no more +consoling voice in the religious murmur of your old German forests? You, +for whom beautiful poesy was the sister of science, could not they find +in immortal nature a healing plant for the heart of their favorite? You, +who were a pantheist, and antique poet of Greece, a lover of sacred +forms, could you not put a little honey in the beautiful vases you made; +you who had only to smile and allow the bees to come to your lips? And +thou, Byron, hadst thou not near Ravenna, under the orange-trees of +Italy, under thy beautiful Venetian sky, near thy Adriatic, hadst thou +not thy well-beloved? Oh, God! I who speak to you, who am only a feeble +child, have perhaps known sorrows that you have never suffered, and yet I +believe and hope, and still bless God. + +When English and German ideas had passed thus over our heads there ensued +disgust and mournful silence, followed by a terrible convulsion. For to +formulate general ideas is to change saltpetre into powder, and the +Homeric brain of the great Goethe had sucked up, as an alembic, all the +juice of the forbidden fruit. Those who did not read him, did not +believe it, knew nothing of it. Poor creatures! The explosion carried +them away like grains of dust into the abyss of universal doubt. + +It was a denial of all heavenly and earthly facts that might be termed +disenchantment, or if you will, despair; as if humanity in lethargy had +been pronounced dead by those who felt its pulse. Like a soldier who is +asked: "In what do you believe?" and who replies: "In myself," so the +youth of France, hearing that question, replied: "In nothing." + +Then formed two camps: on one side the exalted spirits, sufferers, all +the expansive souls who yearned toward the infinite, bowed their heads +and wept; they wrapped themselves in unhealthful dreams and nothing could +be seen but broken reeds in an ocean of bitterness. On the other side +the materialists remained erect, inflexible, in the midst of positive +joys, and cared for nothing except to count the money they had acquired. +It was but a sob and a burst of laughter, the one coming from the soul, +the other from the body. + +This is what the soul said: + +"Alas! Alas! religion has departed; the clouds of heaven fall in rain; +we have no longer either hope or expectation, not even two little pieces +of black wood in the shape of a cross before which to clasp our hands. +The star of the future is loath to appear; it can not rise above the +horizon; it is enveloped in clouds, and like the sun in winter its disc +is the color of blood, as in '93. There is no more love, no more glory. +What heavy darkness over all the earth! And death will come ere the day +breaks." + +This is what the body said: + +"Man is here below to satisfy his senses; he has more or less of white or +yellow metal, by which he merits more or less esteem. To eat, to drink, +and to sleep, that is life. As for the bonds which exist between men, +friendship consists in loaning money; but one rarely has a friend whom he +loves enough for that. Kinship determines inheritance; love is an +exercise of the body; the only intellectual joy is vanity." + +Like the Asiatic plague exhaled from the vapors of the Ganges, frightful +despair stalked over the earth. Already Chateaubriand, prince of poesy, +wrapping the horrible idol in his pilgrim's mantle, had placed it on a +marble altar in the midst of perfumes and holy incense. Already the +children were clenching idle hands and drinking in a bitter cup the +poisoned brewage of doubt. Already things were drifting toward the +abyss, when the jackals suddenly emerged from the earth. A deathly and +infected literature, which had no form but that of ugliness, began to +sprinkle with fetid blood all the monsters of nature. + +Who will dare to recount what was passing in the colleges? Men doubted +everything: the young men denied everything. The poets sang of despair; +the youth came from the schools with serene brow, their faces glowing +with health, and blasphemy in their mouths. Moreover, the French +character, being by nature gay and open, readily assimilated English and +German ideas; but hearts too light to struggle and to suffer withered +like crushed flowers. Thus the seed of death descended slowly and +without shock from the head to the bowels. Instead of having the +enthusiasm of evil we had only the negation of the good; instead of +despair, insensibility. Children of fifteen, seated listlessly under +flowering shrubs, conversed for pastime on subjects which would have made +shudder with terror the still thickets of Versailles. The Communion of +Christ, the Host, those wafers that stand as the eternal symbol of divine +love, were used to seal letters; the children spit upon the Bread of God. + +Happy they who escaped those times! Happy they who passed over the abyss +while looking up to Heaven. There are such, doubtless, and they will +pity us. + +It is unfortunately true that there is in blasphemy a certain outlet +which solaces the burdened heart. When an atheist, drawing his watch, +gave God a quarter of an hour in which to strike him dead, it is certain +that it was a quarter of an hour of wrath and of atrocious joy. It was +the paroxysm of despair, a nameless appeal to all celestial powers; it +was a poor, wretched creature squirming under the foot that was crushing +him; it was a loud cry of pain. Who knows? In the eyes of Him who sees +all things, it was perhaps a prayer. + +Thus these youth found employment for their idle powers in a fondness for +despair. To scoff at glory, at religion, at love, at all the world, is a +great consolation for those who do not know what to do; they mock at +themselves, and in doing so prove the correctness of their view. And +then it is pleasant to believe one's self unhappy when one is only idle +and tired. Debauchery, moreover, the first result of the principles of +death, is a terrible millstone for grinding the energies. + +The rich said: "There is nothing real but riches, all else is a dream; +let us enjoy and then let us die." Those of moderate fortune said: +"There is nothing real but oblivion, all else is a dream; let us forget +and let us die." And the poor said: "There is nothing real but +unhappiness, all else is a dream; let us blaspheme and die." + +Is this too black? Is it exaggerated? What do you think of it? Am I a +misanthrope? Allow me to make a reflection. + +In reading the history of the fall of the Roman Empire, it is impossible +to overlook the evil that the Christians, so admirable when in the +desert, did to the State when they were in power. "When I think," said +Montesquieu, "of the profound ignorance into which the Greek clergy +plunged the laity, I am obliged to compare them to the Scythians of whom +Herodotus speaks, who put out the eyes of their slaves in order that +nothing might distract their attention from their work . . . . No +affair of State, no peace, no truce, no negotiations, no marriage could +be transacted by any one but the clergy. The evils of this system were +beyond belief." + +Montesquieu might have added: Christianity destroyed the emperors but it +saved the people. It opened to the barbarians the palaces of +Constantinople, but it opened the doors of cottages to the ministering +angels of Christ. It had much to do with the great ones of earth. And +what is more interesting than the death-rattle of an empire corrupt to +the very marrow of its bones, than the sombre galvanism under the +influence of which the skeleton of tyranny danced upon the tombs of +Heliogabalus and Caracalla? How beautiful that mummy of Rome, embalmed +in the perfumes of Nero and swathed in the shroud of Tiberius! It had to +do, my friends the politicians, with finding the poor and giving them +life and peace; it had to do with allowing the worms and tumors to +destroy the monuments of shame, while drawing from the ribs of this mummy +a virgin as beautiful as the mother of the Redeemer, Hope, the friend of +the oppressed. + +That is what Christianity did; and now, after many years, what have they +done who destroyed it? They saw that the poor allowed themselves to be +oppressed by the rich, the feeble by the strong, because of that saying: +"The rich and the strong will oppress me on earth; but when they wish to +enter paradise, I shall be at the door and I will accuse them before the +tribunal of God." And so, alas! they were patient. + +The antagonists of Christ therefore said to the poor: "You wait patiently +for the day of justice: there is no justice; you wait for the life +eternal to achieve your vengeance: there is no life eternal; you gather +up your tears and those of your family, the cries of children and the +sobs of women, to place them at the feet of God at the hour of death: +there is no God." + +Then it is certain that the poor man dried his tears, that he told his +wife to check her sobs, his children to come with him, and that he stood +erect upon the soil with the power of a bull. He said to the rich: "Thou +who oppressest me, thou art only man," and to the priest: "Thou who hast +consoled me, thou hast lied." That was just what the antagonists of +Christ desired. Perhaps they thought this was the way to achieve man's +happiness, sending him out to the conquest of liberty. + +But, if the poor man, once satisfied that the priests deceive him, that +the rich rob him, that all men have rights, that all good is of this +world, and that misery is impiety; if the poor man, believing in himself +and in his two arms, says to himself some fine day: "War on the rich! +For me, happiness here in this life, since there is no other! for me, +the earth, since heaven is empty! for me and for all, since all are +equal." Oh! reasoners sublime, who have led him to this, what will you +say to him if he is conquered? + +Doubtless you are philanthropists, doubtless you are right about the +future, and the day will come when you will be blessed; but thus far, we +have not blessed you. When the oppressor said: "This world for me!" the +oppressed replied: "Heaven for me!" Now what can he say? + +All the evils of the present come from two causes: the people who have +passed through 1793 and 1814 nurse wounds in their hearts. That which +was is no more; what will be, is not yet. Do not seek elsewhere the +cause of our malady. + +Here is a man whose house falls in ruins; he has torn it down in order to +build another. The rubbish encumbers the spot, and he waits for new +materials for his new home. At the moment he has prepared to cut the +stone and mix the cement, while standing pick in hand with sleeves rolled +up, he is informed that there is no more stone, and is advised to whiten +the old material and make the best possible use of that. What can you +expect this man to do who is unwilling to build his nest out of ruins? +The quarry is deep, the tools too weak to hew out the stones. "Wait!" +they say to him, "we will draw out the stones one by one; hope, work, +advance, withdraw." What do they not tell him? And in the mean time he +has lost his old house, and has not yet built the new; he does not know +where to protect himself from the rain, or how to prepare his evening +meal, nor where to work, nor where to sleep, nor where to die; and his +children are newly born. + +I am much deceived if we do not resemble that man. Oh! people of the +future! when on a warm summer day you bend over your plows in the green +fields of your native land; when you see in the pure sunlight, under a +spotless sky, the earth, your fruitful mother, smiling in her matutinal +robe on the workman, her well-beloved child; when drying on your brow the +holy baptism of sweat, you cast your eye over the vast horizon, where +there will not be one blade higher than another in the human harvest, but +only violets and marguerites in the midst of ripening ears; oh! free +men! when you thank God that you were born for that harvest, think of +those who are no more, tell yourself that we have dearly purchased the +repose which you enjoy; pity us more than all your fathers, for we have +suffered the evil which entitled them to pity and we have lost that which +consoled them. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +THE BEGINNING OF THE CONFESSIONS + +I have to explain how I was first taken with the malady of the age. + +I was at table, at a great supper, after a masquerade. About me were my +friends, richly costumed, on all sides young men and women, all sparkling +with beauty and joy; on the right and on the left exquisite dishes, +flagons, splendor, flowers; above my head was an obstreperous orchestra, +and before me my loved one, whom I idolized. + +I was then nineteen; I had passed through no great misfortune, I had +suffered from no disease; my character was at once haughty and frank, +my heart full of the hopes of youth. The fumes of wine fermented in my +head; it was one of those moments of intoxication when all that one sees +and hears speaks to one of the well-beloved. All nature appeared a +beautiful stone with a thousand facets, on which was engraven the +mysterious name. One would willingly embrace all who smile, and feel +that he is brother of all who live. My mistress had granted me a +rendezvous, and I was gently raising my glass to my lips while my eyes +were fixed on her. + +As I turned to take a napkin, my fork fell. I stooped to pick it up, and +not finding it at first I raised the table cloth to see where it had +rolled. I then saw under the table my mistress's foot; it touched that +of a young man seated beside her; from time to time they exchanged a +gentle pressure. + +Perfectly calm, I asked for another fork and continued my supper. My +mistress and her neighbor, on their side, were very quiet, talking but +little and never looking at each other. The young man had his elbows on +the table and was chatting with another woman, who was showing him her +necklace and bracelets. My mistress sat motionless, her eyes fixed and +swimming with languor. I watched both of them during the entire supper, +and I saw nothing either in their gestures or in their faces that could +betray them. Finally, at dessert, I dropped my napkin, and stooping down +saw that they were still in the same position. + +I had promised to escort my mistress to her home that night. She was a +widow and therefore free, living alone with an old relative who served as +chaperon. As I was crossing the hall she called to me: + +"Come, Octave!" she said, "let us go; here I am." + +I laughed, and passed out without replying. After walking a short +distance I sat down on a stone projecting from a wall. I do not know +what my thoughts were; I sat as if stupefied by the unfaithfulness of one +of whom I had never been jealous, whom I had never had cause to suspect. +What I had seen left no room for doubt; I was felled as if by a stroke +from a club. The only thing I remember doing as I sat there, was looking +mechanically up at the sky, and, seeing a star shoot across the heavens, +I saluted that fugitive gleam, in which poets see a worn-out world, and +gravely took off my hat to it. + +I returned to my home very quietly, experiencing nothing, as if deprived +of all sensation and reflection. I undressed and retired; hardly had my +head touched the pillow when the spirit of vengeance seized me with such +force that I suddenly sat bolt upright against the wall as if all my +muscles were made of wood. I then jumped from my bed with a cry of pain; +I could walk only on my heels, the nerves in my toes were so irritated. +I passed an hour in this way, completely beside myself, and stiff as a +skeleton. It was the first burst of passion I had ever experienced. + +The man I had surprised with my mistress was one of my most intimate +friends. I went to his house the next day, in company with a young +lawyer named Desgenais; we took pistols, another witness, and repaired to +the woods of Vincennes. On the way I avoided speaking to my adversary or +even approaching him; thus I resisted the temptation to insult or strike +him, a useless form of violence at a time when the law recognized the +code. But I could not remove my eyes from him. He was the companion of +my childhood, and we had lived in the closest intimacy for many years. +He understood perfectly my love for my mistress, and had several times +intimated that bonds of this kind were sacred to a friend, and that he +would be incapable of an attempt to supplant me, even if he loved the +same woman. In short, I had perfect confidence in him and I had perhaps +never pressed the hand of any human creature more cordially than his. + +Eagerly and curiously I scrutinized this man whom I had heard speak of +love like an antique hero and whom yet I had caught caressing my +mistress. It was the first time in my life I had seen a monster; +I measured him with a haggard eye to see what manner of man was this. +He whom I had known since he was ten years old, with whom I had lived in +the most perfect friendship, it seemed to me I had never seen him. Allow +me a comparison. + +There is a Spanish play, familiar to all the world, in which a stone +statue comes to sup with a profligate, sent thither by divine justice. +The profligate puts a good face on the matter and forces himself to +affect indifference; but the statue asks for his hand, and when he has +extended it he feels himself seized by a mortal chill and falls in +convulsions. + +Whenever I have loved and confided in any one, either friend or mistress, +and suddenly discover that I have been deceived, I can only describe the +effect produced on me by comparing it to the clasp of that marble hand. +It is the actual impression of marble, it is as if a man of stone had +embraced me. Alas! this horrible apparition has knocked more than once +at my door; more than once we have supped together. + +When the arrangements were all made we placed ourselves in line, facing +each other and slowly advancing. My adversary fired the first shot, +wounding me in the right arm. I immediately seized my pistol in the +other hand; but my strength failed, I could not raise it; I fell on one +knee. + +Then I saw my enemy running up to me with an expression of great anxiety +on his face, and very pale. Seeing that I was wounded, my seconds +hastened to my side, but he pushed them aside and seized my wounded arm. +His teeth were set, and I could see that he was suffering intense +anguish. His agony was as frightful as man can experience. + +"Go!" he cried; "go, stanch your wound at the house of -----" + +He choked, and so did I. + +I was placed in a cab, where I found a physician. My wound was not +dangerous, the bone being untouched, but I was in such a state of +excitation that it was impossible properly to dress my wound. As they +were about to drive from the field I saw a trembling hand at the door of +my cab; it was that of my adversary. I shook my head in reply; I was in +such a rage that I could not pardon him, although I felt that his +repentance was sincere. + +By the time I reached home I had lost much blood and felt relieved, for +feebleness saved me from the anger which was doing me more harm than my +wound. I willingly retired to my bed and called for a glass of water, +which I gulped down with relish. + +But I was soon attacked by fever. It was then I began to shed tears. +I could understand that my mistress had ceased to love me, but not that +she could deceive me. I could not comprehend why a woman, who was forced +to it by neither duty nor interest, could lie to one man when she loved +another. Twenty times a day I asked my friend Desgenais how that could +be possible. + +"If I were her husband," I said, "or if I supported her, I could easily +understand how she might be tempted to deceive me; but if she no longer +loves me, why deceive me?" + +I did not understand how any one could lie for love; I was but a child, +then, but I confess that I do not understand it yet. Every time I have +loved a woman I have told her of it, and when I ceased to love her I have +confessed it with the same sincerity, having always thought that in +matters of this kind the will was not concerned and that there was no +crime but falsehood. + +To all this Desgenais replied: + +"She is unworthy; promise me that you will never see her again." + +I solemnly promised. He advised me, moreover, not to write to her, not +even to reproach her, and if she wrote to me not to reply. I promised +all, with some surprise that he should consider it necessary to exact +such a pledge. + +Nevertheless, the first thing I did when I was able to leave my room was +to visit my mistress. I found her alone, seated in the corner of her +room, with an expression of sorrow on her face and an appearance of +general disorder in her surroundings. I overwhelmed her with violent +reproaches; I was intoxicated with despair. In a paroxysm of grief I +fell on the bed and gave free course to my tears. + +"Ah! faithless one! wretch!" I cried between my sobs, "you knew that it +would kill me. Did the prospect please you? What have I done to you?" + +She threw her arms around my neck, saying that she had been tempted, that +my rival had intoxicated her at that fatal supper, but that she had never +been his; that she had abandoned herself in a moment of forgetfulness; +that she had committed a fault but not a crime; but that if I would not +pardon her, she, too, would die. All that sincere repentance has of +tears, all that sorrow has of eloquence, she exhausted in order to +console me; pale and distraught, her dress deranged, her hair falling +over her shoulders, she kneeled in the middle of her chamber; never have +I seen anything so beautiful, and I shuddered with horror as my senses +revolted at the sight. + +I went away crushed, scarcely able to direct my tottering steps. +I wished never to see her again; but in a quarter of an hour I returned. +I do not know what desperate resolve I had formed; I experienced a full +desire to know her mine once more, to drain the cup of tears and +bitterness to the dregs, and then to die with her. In short I abhorred +her, yet I idolized her; I felt that her love was ruin, but that to live +without her was impossible. I mounted the stairs like a flash; I spoke +to none of the servants, but, familiar with the house, opened the door of +her chamber. + +I found her seated calmly before her toilette-table, covered with jewels; +she held in her hand a piece of red crepe which she passed gently over +her cheeks. I thought I was dreaming; it did not seem possible that this +was the woman I had left, just fifteen minutes before, overwhelmed with +grief, abased to the floor; I was as motionless as a statue. She, +hearing the door open, turned her head and smiled: + +"Is it you?" she said. + +She was going to a ball and was expecting my rival. As she recognized +me, she compressed her lips and frowned. + +I started to leave the room. I looked at her bare neck, lithe and +perfumed, on which rested her knotted hair confined by a jewelled comb; +that neck, the seat of vital force, was blacker than hell; two shining +tresses had fallen there and some light silvern hairs balanced above it. +Her shoulders and neck, whiter than milk, displayed a heavy growth of +down. There was in that knotted mass of hair something maddeningly +lovely, which seemed to mock me when I thought of the sorrowful abandon +in which I had seen her a moment before. I suddenly stepped up to her +and struck that neck with the back of my hand. My mistress gave vent to +a cry of terror, and fell on her hands, while I hastened from the room. + +When I reached my room I was again attacked by fever and was obliged to +take to my bed. My wound had reopened and I suffered great pain. +Desgenais came to see me and I told him what had happened. He listened +in silence, then paced up and down the room as if undecided as to his +next course. Finally he stopped before my bed and burst out laughing. + +"Is she your first love?" he asked. + +"No!" I replied, "she is my last." + +Toward midnight, while sleeping restlessly, I seemed to hear in my dreams +a profound sigh. I opened my eyes and saw my mistress standing near my +bed with arms crossed, looking like a spectre. I could not restrain a +cry of fright, believing it to be an apparition conjured up by my +diseased brain. I leaped from my bed and fled to the farther end of the +room; but she followed me. + +"It is I!" said she; putting her arms around me, she drew me to her. + +"What do you want of me?" I cried. "Leave, me! I fear I shall kill +you!" + +"Very well, kill me!" she said. "I have deceived you, I have lied to +you, I am an infamous wretch and I am miserable; but I love you, and I +can not live without you." + +I looked at her; how beautiful she was! Her body was quivering; her eyes +were languid with love and moist with voluptuousness; her bosom was bare, +her lips were burning. I raised her in my arms. + +"Very well," I said, "but before God who sees us, by the soul of my +father, I swear that I will kill you and that I will die with you." + +I took a knife from the table and placed it under the pillow. + +"Come, Octave," she said, smiling and kissing me, "do not be foolish. +Come, my dear, all these horrors have unsettled your mind; you are +feverish. Give me that knife." + +I saw that she wished to take it. + +"Listen to me," I then said; "I do not know what comedy you are playing, +but as for me I am in earnest. I have loved you as only man can love, +and to my sorrow I love you still. You have just told me that you love +me, and I hope it is true; but, by all that is sacred, if I am your lover +to-night, no one shall take my place tomorrow. Before God, before God," +I repeated, "I would not take you back as my mistress, for I hate you as +much as I love you. Before God, if you wish to stay here to-night I will +kill you in the morning." + +When I had spoken these words I fell into a delirium. She threw her +cloak over her shoulders and fled from the room. + +When I told Desgenais about it he said: + +"Why did you do that? You must be very much disgusted, for she is a +beautiful woman." + +"Are you joking?" I asked. "Do you think such a woman could be my +mistress? Do you think I would ever consent to share her with another? +Do you know that she confesses that another attracts her, and do you +expect me, loving her as I do, to share my love? If that is the way you +love, I pity you." + +Desgenais replied that he was not so particular. + +"My dear Octave," he added, "you are very young. You want many things, +beautiful things, which do not exist. You believe in a singular sort of +love; perhaps you are capable of it; I believe you are, but I do not envy +you. You will have other mistresses, my friend, and you will live to +regret what happened last night. If that woman came to you it is certain +that she loved you; perhaps she does not love you at this moment--indeed, +she may be in the arms of another; but she loved you last night in that +room; and what should you care for the rest? You will regret it, believe +me, for she will not come again. A woman pardons everything except such +a slight. Her love for you must have been something terrible when she +came to you knowing and confessing herself guilty, risking rebuff and +contempt at your hands. Believe me, you will regret it, for I am +satisfied that you will soon be cured." + +There was such an air of simple conviction about my friend's words, such +a despairing certainty based on experience, that I shuddered as I +listened. While he was speaking I felt a strong desire to go to my +mistress, or to write to her to come to me. I was so weak that I could +not leave my bed, and that saved me from the shame of finding her waiting +for my rival or perhaps in his company. But I could write to her; in +spite of myself I doubted whether she would come if I should write. + +When Desgenais left me I became so desperate that I resolved to put an +end to my trouble. After a terrible struggle, horror got the better of +love. I wrote my mistress that I would never see her again, and begged +her not to try to see me unless she wished to be exposed to the shame of +being refused admittance. I called a servant and ordered him to deliver +the letter at once. He had hardly closed the door when I called him +back. He did not hear me; I did not dare call again; covering my face +with my hands, I yielded to an overwhelming sense of despair. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +THE PATH OF DESPAIR + +The next morning the first question that occurred to my mind was: "What +shall I do?" + +I had no occupation. I had studied medicine and law without being able +to decide on either of the two careers; I had worked for a banker for six +months, and my services were so unsatisfactory that I was obliged to +resign to avoid being discharged. My studies had been varied but +superficial; my memory was active but not retentive. + +My only treasure, after love, was reserve. In my childhood I had devoted +myself to a solitary way of life, and had, so to speak, consecrated my +heart to it. One day my father, solicitous about my future, spoke to me +of several careers among which he allowed me to choose. I was leaning on +the window-sill, looking at a solitary poplar-tree that was swaying in +the breeze down in the garden. I thought over all the various +occupations and wondered which one I should choose. I turned them all +over, one after another, in my mind, and then, not feeling inclined to +any of them, I allowed my thoughts to wander. Suddenly it seemed to me +that I felt the earth move, and that a secret, invisible force was slowly +dragging me into space and becoming tangible to my senses. I saw it +mount into the sky; I seemed to be on a ship; the poplar near my window +resembled a mast; I arose, stretched out my arms, and cried: + +"It is little enough to be a passenger for one day on this ship floating +through space; it is little enough to be a man, a black point on that +ship; I will be a man, but not any particular kind of man." + +Such was the first vow that, at the age of fourteen, I pronounced in the +face of nature, and since then I have done nothing, except in obedience +to my father, never being able to overcome my repugnance. + +I was therefore free, not through indolence but by choice; loving, +moreover, all that God had made and very little that man had made. +Of life I knew nothing but love, of the world only my mistress, and I did +not care to know anything more. So, falling in love upon leaving +college, I sincerely believed that it was for life, and every other +thought disappeared. + +My life was indolent. I was accustomed to pass the day with my mistress; +my greatest pleasure was to take her through the fields on beautiful +summer days, the sight of nature in her splendor having ever been for me +the most powerful incentive to love. In winter, as she enjoyed society, +we attended numerous balls and masquerades, and because I thought of no +one but her I fondly imagined her equally true to me. + +To give you an idea of my state of mind I can not do better than compare +it to one of those rooms we see nowadays in which are collected and +mingled the furniture of all times and countries. Our age has no impress +of its own. We have impressed the seal of our time neither on our houses +nor our gardens, nor on anything that is ours. On the street may be seen +men who have their beards trimmed as in the time of Henry III, others who +are clean-shaven, others who have their hair arranged as in the time of +Raphael, others as in the time of Christ. So the homes of the rich are +cabinets of curiosities: the antique, the gothic, the style of the +Renaissance, that of Louis XIII, all pell-mell. In short, we have every +century except our own--a thing which has never been seen at any other +epoch: eclecticism is our taste; we take everything we find, this for +beauty, that for utility, another for antiquity, still another for its +ugliness even, so that we live surrounded by debris, as if the end of the +world were at hand. + +Such was the state of my mind; I had read much; moreover I had learned to +paint. I knew by heart a great many things, but nothing in order, so +that my head was like a sponge, swollen but empty. I fell in love with +all the poets one after another; but being of an impressionable nature +the last acquaintance disgusted me with the rest. I had made of myself a +great warehouse of odds and ends, so that having no more thirst after +drinking of the novel and the unknown, I became an oddity myself. + +Nevertheless, about me there was still something of youth: it was the +hope of my heart, which was still childlike. + +That hope, which nothing had withered or corrupted and which love had +exalted to excess, had now received a mortal wound. The perfidy of my +mistress had struck deep, and when I thought of it, I felt in my soul a +swooning away, the convulsive flutter of a wounded bird in agony. + +Society, which works so much evil, is like that serpent of the Indies +whose habitat is under a shrub, the leaves of which afford the antidote +to its venom; in nearly every case it brings the remedy with the wound it +causes. For example, the man whose life is one of routine, who has his +business cares to claim his attention upon rising, visits at one hour, +loves at another, can lose his mistress and suffer no evil effects. His +occupations and his thoughts are like impassive soldiers ranged in line +of battle; a single shot strikes one down, his neighbors close the gap +and the line is intact. + +I had not that resource, since I was alone: nature, the kind mother, +seemed, on the contrary, vaster and more empty than before. Had I been +able to forget my mistress, I should have been saved. How many there are +who can be cured with even less than that. Such men are incapable of +loving a faithless woman, and their conduct, under the circumstances, is +admirable in its firmness. But is it thus one loves at nineteen when, +knowing nothing of the world, desiring everything, one feels, within, the +germ of all the passions? Everywhere some voice appeals to him. All is +desire, all is revery. There is no reality which holds him when the +heart is young; there is no oak so gnarled that it may not give birth to +a dryad; and if one had a hundred arms one need not fear to open them; +one has but to clasp his mistress and all is well. + +As for me, I did not understand what else there was to do but love, and +when any one spoke to me of other occupations I did not reply. My +passion for my mistress had something fierce about it, for all my life +had been severely monachal. Let me cite a single instance. She gave me +her miniature in a medallion. I wore it over my heart, a practice much +affected by men; but one day, while idly rummaging about a shop filled +with curiosities, I found an iron "discipline whip" such as was used by +the mediaeval flagellants. At the end of this whip was a metal plate +bristling with sharp iron points; I had the medallion riveted to this +plate and then returned it to its place over my heart. The sharp points +pierced my bosom with every movement and caused such strange, voluptuous +anguish that I sometimes pressed it down with my hand in order to +intensify the sensation. I knew very well that I was committing a folly; +love is responsible for many such idiocies. + +But since this woman deceived me I loathed the cruel medallion. I can +not tell with what sadness I removed that iron circlet, and what a sigh +escaped me when it was gone. + +"Ah! poor wounds!" I said, "you will soon heal, but what balm is there +for that other deeper wound?" + +I had reason to hate this woman; she was, so to speak, mingled with the +blood of my veins; I cursed her, but I dreamed of her. What could I do +with a dream? By what effort of the will could I drown a memory of flesh +and blood? Lady Macbeth, having killed Duncan, saw that the ocean would +not wash her hands clean again; it would not have washed away my wounds. +I said to Desgenais: "When I sleep, her head is on my pillow." + +My life had been wrapped up in this woman; to doubt her was to doubt all; +to deny her, to curse all; to lose her, to renounce all. I no longer +went out; the world seemed peopled with monsters, with horned deer and +crocodiles. To all that was said to distract my mind, I replied: + +"Yes, that is all very well, but you may rest assured I shall do nothing +of the kind." + +I sat in my window and said: + +"She will come, I am sure of it; she is coming, she is turning the corner +at this moment, I can feel her approach. She can no more live without me +than I without her. What shall I say? How shall I receive her?" + +Then the thought of her perfidy occurred to me. + +"Ah! let her come! I will kill her!" + +Since my last letter I had heard nothing of her. + +"What is she doing?" I asked myself. "She loves another? Then I will +love another also. Whom shall I love?" + +While thinking, I heard a far distant voice crying: + +"Thou, love another? Two beings who love, who embrace, and who are not +thou and I! Is such a thing possible? Are you a fool?" + +"Coward!" said Desgenais, "when will you forget that woman? Is she such +a great loss? Take the first comer and console yourself." + +"No," I replied, "it is not such a great loss. Have I not done what I +ought? Have I not driven her away from here? What have you to say to +that? The rest concerns me; the bull wounded in the arena can lie down +in a corner with the sword of the matador 'twixt his shoulders, and die +in peace. What can I do, tell me? What do you mean by first comer? +You will show me a cloudless sky, trees and houses, men who talk, drink, +sing, women who dance and horses that gallop. All that is not life, it +is the noise of life. Go, go, leave me in peace." + + + + +CHAPTER V + +A PHILOSOPHER'S ADVICE + +Desgenais saw that my despair was incurable, that I would neither listen +to any advice nor leave my room, he took the thing seriously. I saw him +enter one evening with an expression of gravity on his face; he spoke of +my mistress and continued in his tone of persiflage, saying all manner of +evil of women. While he was speaking I was leaning on my elbow, and, +rising in my bed, I listened attentively. + +It was one of those sombre evenings when the sighing of the wind recalls +the moaning of a dying man. A fitful storm was brewing, and between the +plashes of rain on the windows there was the silence of death. All +nature suffers in such moments, the trees writhe in pain and hide their +heads; the birds of the fields cower under the bushes; the streets of +cities are deserted. I was suffering from my wound. But a short time +before I had a mistress and a friend. The mistress had deceived me and +the friend had stretched me on a bed of pain. I could not clearly +distinguish what was passing in my head; it seemed to me that I was under +the influence of a horrible dream and that I had but to awake to find +myself cured; at times it seemed that my entire life had been a dream, +ridiculous and puerile, the falseness of which had just been disclosed. +Desgenais was seated near the lamp at my side; he was firm and serious, +although a smile hovered about his lips. He was a man of heart, but as +dry as a pumice-stone. An early experience had made him bald before his +time; he knew life and had suffered; but his grief was a cuirass; he was +a materialist and he waited for death. + +"Octave," he said, "after what has happened to you, I see that you +believe in love such as the poets and romancers have represented; in a +word, you believe in what is said here below and not in what is done. +That is because you do not reason soundly, and it may lead you into great +misfortune. + +"Poets represent love as sculptors design beauty, as musicians create +melody; that is to say, endowed with an exquisite nervous organization, +they gather up with discerning ardor the purest elements of life, the +most beautiful lines of matter, and the most harmonious voices of nature. +There lived, it is said, at Athens a great number of beautiful girls; +Praxiteles drew them all one after another; then from these diverse types +of beauty, each one of which had its defects, he formed a single +faultless beauty and created Venus. The man who first created a musical +instrument, and who gave to harmony its rules and its laws, had for a +long time listened to the murmuring of reeds and the singing of birds. +Thus the poets, who understand life, after knowing much of love, more or +less transitory, after feeling that sublime exaltation which real passion +can for the moment inspire, eliminating from human nature all that +degrades it, created the mysterious names which through the ages fly from +lip to lip: Daphnis and Chloe, Hero and Leander, Pyramus and Thisbe. + +"To try to find in real life such love as this, eternal and absolute, is +but to seek on public squares a woman such as Venus, or to expect +nightingales to sing the symphonies of Beethoven. + +"Perfection does not exist; to comprehend it is the triumph of human +intelligence; to desire to possess it, the most dangerous of follies. +Open your window, Octave; do you not see the infinite? You try to form +some idea of a thing that has no limits, you who were born yesterday and +who will die to-morrow! This spectacle of immensity in every country in +the world produces the wildest illusions. Religions are born of it; it +was to possess the infinite that Cato cut his throat, that the Christians +delivered themselves to lions, the Huguenots to the Catholics; all the +people of the earth have stretched out their hands to that immensity and +have longed to plunge into it. The fool wishes to possess heaven; the +sage admires it, kneels before it, but does not desire it. + +"Perfection, my friend, is no more made for us than immensity. We must +seek for nothing in it, demand nothing of it, neither love nor beauty, +happiness nor virtue; but we must love it if we would be virtuous, if we +would attain the greatest happiness of which man is capable. + +"Let us suppose you have in your study a picture by Raphael that you +consider perfect. Let us say that upon a close examination you discover +in one of the figures a gross defect of design, a limb distorted, or a +muscle that belies nature, such as has been discovered, they say, in one +of the arms of an antique gladiator. You would experience a feeling of +displeasure, but you would not throw that picture in the fire; you would +merely say that it is not perfect, but that it has qualities that are +worthy of admiration. + +"There are women whose natural singleness of heart and sincerity are such +that they could not have two lovers at the same time. You believed your +mistress such an one; that is best, I admit. You have discovered that +she has deceived you; does that oblige you to depose and to abuse her, to +believe her deserving of your hatred? + +"Even if your mistress had never deceived you, even if at this moment she +loved none other than you, think, Octave, how far her love would still be +from perfection, how human it would be, how small, how restrained by the +hypocrisies and conventions of the world; remember that another man +possessed her before you, that many others will possess her after you. + +"Reflect: what drives you at this moment to despair is the idea of +perfection in your mistress, the idea that has been shattered. But when +you understand that the primal idea itself was human, small and +restricted, you will see that it is little more than a rung in the rotten +ladder of human imperfection. + +"I think you will readily admit that your mistress has had other +admirers, and that she will have still others in the future; you will +doubtless reply that it matters little, so long as she loved you. But I +ask you, since she has had others, what difference does it make whether +it was yesterday or two years since? Since she loves but one at a time, +what does it matter whether it is during an interval of two years or in +the course of a single night? Are you a man, Octave? Do you see the +leaves falling from the trees, the sun rising and setting? Do you hear +the ticking of the horologe of time with each pulsation of your heart? +Is there, then, such a difference between the love of a year and the love +of an hour? I challenge you to answer that, you fool, as you sit there +looking out at the infinite through a window not larger than your hand. + +"You consider that woman faithful who loves you two years; you must have +an almanac that will indicate just how long it takes for an honest man's +kisses to dry on a woman's lips. You make a distinction between the +woman who sells herself for money and the one who gives herself for +pleasure; between the one who gives herself through pride and the one who +gives herself through devotion. Among women who are for sale, some cost +more than others; among those who are sought for pleasure some inspire +more confidence than others; and among those who are worthy of devotion +there are some who receive a third of a man's heart, others a quarter, +others a half, depending upon her education, her manner, her name, her +birth, her beauty, her temperament, according to the occasion, according +to what is said, according to the time, according to what you have drunk +at dinner. + +"You love women, Octave, because you are young, ardent, because your +features are regular, and your hair dark and glossy, but you do not, for +all that, understand woman. + +"Nature, having all, desires the reproduction of beings; everywhere, from +the summit of the mountain to the bottom of the sea, life is opposed to +death. God, to conserve the work of His hands, has established this law- +that the greatest pleasure of all sentient beings shall be to procreate. + +"Oh! my friend, when you feel bursting on your lips the vow of eternal +love, do not be afraid to yield, but do not confound wine with +intoxication; do not think of the cup divine because the draught is of +celestial flavor; do not be astonished to find it broken and empty in the +evening. It is but woman, but a fragile vase, made of earth by a potter. + +"Thank God for giving you a glimpse of heaven, but do not imagine +yourself a bird because you can flap your wings. The birds themselves +can not escape the clouds; there is a region where air fails them and the +lark, rising with its song into the morning fog, sometimes falls back +dead in the field. + +"Take love as a sober man takes wine; do not become a drunkard. If your +mistress is sincere and faithful, love her for that; but if she is not, +if she is merely young and beautiful, love her for that; if she is +agreeable and spirituelle, love her for that; if she is none of these +things but merely loves you, love her for that. Love does not come to us +every day. + +"Do not tear your hair and stab yourself because you have a rival. You +say that your mistress deceives you for another; it is your pride that +suffers; but change the words, say that it is for you that she deceives +him, and behold, you are happy! + +"Do not make a rule of conduct, and do not say that you wish to be loved +exclusively, for in saying that, as you are a man and inconstant +yourself, you are forced to add tacitly: 'As far as possible.' + +"Take time as it comes, the wind as it blows, woman as she is. The +Spaniards, first among women, love faithfully; their hearts are sincere +and violent, but they wear a dagger just above them. Italian women are +lascivious. The English are exalted and melancholy, cold and unnatural. +The German women are tender and sweet, but colorless and monotonous. The +French are spirituelle, elegant, and voluptuous, but are false at heart. + +"Above all, do not accuse women of being what they are; we have made them +thus, undoing the work of nature. + +"Nature, who thinks of everything, made the virgin for love; but with the +first child her bosom loses form, her beauty its freshness. Woman is +made for motherhood. Man would perhaps abandon her, disgusted by the +loss of beauty; but his child clings to him and weeps. Behold the +family, the human law; everything that departs from this law is +monstrous. + +"Civilization thwarts the ends of nature. In our cities, according to +our customs, the virgin destined by nature for the open air, made to run +in the sunlight; to admire the nude wrestlers, as in Lacedemonia, to +choose and to love, is shut up in close confinement and bolted in. +Meanwhile she hides romance under her cross; pale and idle, she fades +away and loses, in the silence of the nights, that beauty which oppresses +her and needs the open air. Then she is suddenly snatched from this +solitude, knowing nothing, loving nothing, desiring everything; an old +woman instructs her, a mysterious word is whispered in her ear, and she +is thrown into the arms of a stranger. There you have marriage, that is +to say, the civilized family. + +"A child is born. This poor creature has lost her beauty and she has +never loved. The child is brought to her with the words: "You are a +mother." She replies: 'I am not a mother; take that child to some woman +who can nurse it. I can not.' Her husband tells her that she is right, +that her child would be disgusted with her. She receives careful +attention and is soon cured of the disease of maternity. A month later +she may be seen at the Tuileries, at the ball, at the opera; her child is +at Chaillot, at Auxerre; her husband with another woman. Then young men +speak to her of love, of devotion, of sympathy, of all that is in the +heart. She takes one, draws him to her bosom; he dishonors her and +returns to the Bourse. She cries all night, but discovers that tears +make her eyes red. She takes a consoler, for the loss of whom another +consoles her; thus up to the age of thirty or more. Then, blase and +corrupted, with no human sentiment, not even disgust, she meets a fine +youth with raven locks, ardent eye and hopeful heart; she recalls her own +youth, she remembers what she has suffered, and telling him the story of +her life, she teaches him to eschew love. + +"That is woman as we have made her; such are your mistresses. But you +say they are women and that there is something good in them! + +"But if your character is formed, if you are truly a man, sure of +yourself and confident of your strength, you may taste of life without +fear and without reserve; you may be sad or joyous, deceived or +respected; but be sure you are loved, for what matters the rest? + +"If you are mediocre and ordinary, I advise you to consider your course +very carefully before deciding, but do not expect too much of your +mistress. + +"If you are weak, dependent upon others, inclined to allow yourself to be +dominated by opinion, to take root wherever you see a little soil, make +for yourself a shield that will resist everything, for if you yield to +your weaker nature you will not grow, you will dry up like a dead plant, +and you will bear neither fruit nor flowers. The sap of your life will +dissipate into the formation of useless bark; all your actions will be as +colorless as the leaves of the willow; you will have no tears to water +you, but those from your own eyes; to nourish you, no heart but your own. + +"But if you are of an exalted nature, believing in dreams and wishing to +realize them, I say to you plainly: Love does not exist. + +"For to love is to give body and soul, or better, it is to make a single +being of two; it is to walk in the sunlight, in the open air through the +boundless prairies with a body having four arms, two heads, and two +hearts. Love is faith, it is the religion of terrestrial happiness, it +is a luminous triangle suspended in the temple of the world. To love is +to walk freely through that temple, at your side a being capable of +understanding why a thought, a word, a flower makes you pause and raise +your eyes to that celestial triangle. To exercise the noble faculties of +man is a great good--that is why genius is glorious; but to double those +faculties, to place a heart and an intelligence upon a heart and an +intelligence--that is supreme happiness. God has nothing better for man; +that is why love is better than genius. + +"But tell me, is that the love of our women? No, no, it must be +admitted. Love, for them, is another thing; it is to go out veiled, +to write in secret, to make trembling advances, to heave chaste sighs +under starched and unnatural robes, then to draw bolts and throw them +aside, to humiliate a rival, to deceive a husband, to render a lover +desolate. To love, for our women, is to play at lying, as children play +at hide and seek, a hideous orgy of the heart, worse than the lubricity +of the Romans, or the Saturnalia of Priapus; a bastard parody of vice +itself, as well as of virtue; a loathsome comedy where all is whispering +and sidelong glances, where all is small, elegant, and deformed, like +those porcelain monsters brought from China; a lamentable satire on all +that is beautiful and ugly, divine and infernal; a shadow without a body, +a skeleton of all that God has made." + +Thus spoke Desgenais; and the shadows of night began to fall. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +MADAME LEVASSEUR + +The following morning I rode through the Bois de Boulogne; the weather +was dark and threatening. At the Porte Maillot I dropped the reins on my +horse's back and abandoned myself to revery, revolving in my mind the +words spoken by Desgenais the evening before. + +Suddenly I heard my name called. Turning my head I spied one of my +inamorata's most intimate friends in an open carriage. She bade me stop, +and, holding out her hand with a friendly air, invited me to dine with +her if I had no other engagement. + +This woman, Madame Levasseur by name, was small, stout, and decidedly +blonde; I had never liked her, and my attitude toward her had always been +one of studied politeness. But I could not resist a desire to accept her +invitation; I pressed her hand and thanked her; I was sure that we should +talk of my mistress. + +She sent a servant to lead my horse and I entered her carriage; she was +alone, and we at once took the road to Paris. Rain began to fall, and +the carriage curtains were drawn; thus shut up together we rode on in +silence. I looked at her with inexpressible sadness; she was not only +the friend of my faithless one but her confidante. She had often formed +one of our party when I called on my mistress in the evening. With what +impatience had I endured her presence! How often I counted the minutes +that must elapse before she would leave! That was probably the cause of +my aversion to her. I knew that she approved of our love; she even went +so far as to defend me in our quarrels. In spite of the services she had +rendered me, I considered her ugly and tiresome. Alas! now I found her +beautiful! I looked at her hands, her clothes; every gesture went +straight to my heart; all the past was associated with her. She noticed +the change in manner and understood that I was oppressed by sad memories +of the past. Thus we sped on our way, I looking at her, she smiling at +me. When we reached Paris she took my hand: + +"Well?" she said. + +"Well?" I replied, sobbing, "tell her if you wish." Tears rushed from +my eyes. + +After dinner we sat before the fire. + +"But tell me," she said, "is it irrevocable? Can nothing be done?" + +"Alas! Madame," I replied, "there is nothing irrevocable except the +grief that is killing me. My condition can be expressed in a few words: +I can not love her, I can not love another, and I can not cease loving." + +At these words she moved uneasily in her chair, and I could see an +expression of compassion on her face. + +For some time she appeared to be reflecting, as if pondering over my fate +and seeking some remedy for my sorrow. Her eyes were closed and she +appeared lost in revery. She extended her hand and I took it in mine. + +"And I, too," she murmured, "that is just my experience." She stopped, +overcome by emotion. + +Of all the sisters of love, the most beautiful is pity. I held Madame +Levasseur's hand as she began to speak of my mistress, saying all she +could think of in her favor. My sadness increased. What could I reply? +Finally she came to speak of herself. + +Not long since, she said, a man who loved her abandoned her. She had +made great sacrifices for him; her fortune was compromised, as well as +her honor and her name. Her husband, whom she knew to be vindictive, had +made threats. Her tears flowed as she continued, and I began to forget +my own sorrow in my sympathy for her. She had been married against her +will; she struggled a long time; but she regretted nothing except that +she had not been able to inspire a more sincere affection. I believe she +even accused herself because she had not been able to hold her lover's +heart, and because she had been guilty of apparent indifference. + +When she had unburdened her heart she became silent. + +"Madame," I said, "it was not chance that brought about our meeting in +the Bois de Boulogne. I believe that human sorrows are but wandering +sisters and that some good angel unites the trembling hands that are +stretched out for aid. Do not repent having told me your sorrow. The +secret you have confided to me is only a tear which has fallen from your +eye, but has rested on my heart. Permit me to come again and let us +suffer together." + +Such lively sympathy took possession of me that without reflection I +kissed her; it did not occur to my mind that it could offend her, and she +did not appear even to notice it. + +Our conversation continued in this tone of expansive friendship. She +told me her sorrows, I told her mine, and between these two experiences +which touched each other, I felt arise a sweetness, a celestial accord +born of two voices in anguish. All this time I had seen nothing but her +face. Suddenly I noticed that her dress was in disorder. It appeared +singular to me that, seeing my embarrassment, she did not rearrange it, +and I turned my head to give her an opportunity. She did nothing. +Finally, meeting her eyes and seeing that she was perfectly aware of +the state she was in, I felt as if I had been struck by a thunderbolt, +for I now clearly understood that I was the plaything of her monstrous +effrontery, that grief itself was for her but a means of seducing the +senses. I took my hat without a word, bowed profoundly, and left the +room. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +THE WISDOM OF SIRACH + +Upon returning to my apartments I found a large box in the centre of the +room. One of my aunts had died, and I was one of the heirs to her +fortune, which was not large. + +The box contained, among other things, a number of musty old books. Not +knowing what to do, and being afflicted with ennui, I began to read one +of them. They were for the most part romances of the time of Louis XV; +my pious aunt had probably inherited them herself and never read them, +for they were, so to speak, catechisms of vice. + +I was singularly disposed to reflect on everything that came to my +notice, to give everything a mental and moral significance; I treated +events as pearls in a necklace which I tried to string together. + +It struck me that there was something significant about the arrival of +these books at this time. I devoured them with a bitterness and a +sadness born of despair. "Yes, you are right," I said to myself, "you +alone possess the secret of life, you alone dare to say that nothing is +true and real but debauchery, hypocrisy, and corruption. Be my friends, +throw on the wound in my soul your corrosive poisons, teach me to believe +in you." + +While buried in these shadows, I allowed my favorite poets and text-books +to accumulate dust. I even ground them under my feet in excess of wrath. +"You wretched dreamers!" I said to them; "you who teach me only +suffering, miserable shufflers of words, charlatans, if you know the +truth, fools, if you speak in good faith, liars in either case, who make +fairy-tales of the woes of the human heart. I will burn the last one of +you!" + +Then tears came to my aid and I perceived that there was nothing real but +my grief. "Very well," I cried, in my delirium, "tell me, good and bad +genii, counselors for good or evil, tell me what to do! Choose an +arbiter and let him speak." + +I seized an old Bible which lay on my table, and read the first passage +that caught my eye. + +"Reply to me, thou book of God!" I said, "what word hast thou for me?" +My eye fell on this passage in Ecclesiastes, Chapter IX: + + For all this I considered in my heart even to declare all this, + that the righteous and the wise, and their works, are in the hand + of God; no man knoweth either love or hatred by all that is before + them. + + All things come alike to all: there is one event to the righteous, + and to the wicked; to the good and to the clean, and to the unclean; + to him that sacrificeth, and to him that sacrificeth not: as is the + good, so is the sinner; and he that sweareth, as he that feareth an + oath. + + This is an evil among all things that are done under the sun, that + there is one event unto all: yea, also the heart of the sons of men + is full of evil, and madness is in their heart while they live, and + after that they go to the dead. + +When I read these words I was astounded; I did not know that there was +such a sentiment in the Bible. "And thou, too, as all others, thou book +of hope!" + +What do the astronomers think when they predict, at a given hour and +place, the passage of a comet, that most eccentric of celestial +travellers? What do the naturalists think when they reveal the myriad +forms of life concealed in a drop of water? Do they think they have +invented what they see and that their lenses and microscopes make the law +of nature? What did the first law-giver think when, seeking for the +corner-stone in the social edifice, angered doubtless by some idle +importunity, he struck the tables of brass and felt in his bowels the +yearning for a law of retaliation? Did he, then, invent justice? And +the first who plucked the fruit planted by his neighbor and who fled +cowering under his mantle, did he invent shame? And he who, having +overtaken that same thief who had robbed him of the product of his toil, +forgave him his sin, and, instead of raising his hand to smite him, said, +"Sit thou down and eat thy fill;" when, after thus returning good for +evil, he raised his eyes toward Heaven and felt his heart quivering, +tears welling from his eyes, and his knees bending to the earth, did he +invent virtue? Oh, Heaven! here is a woman who speaks of love and who +deceives me; here is a man who speaks of friendship and counsels me to +seek consolation in debauchery; here is another woman who weeps and would +console me with the flesh; here is a Bible that speaks of God and says: +"Perhaps; but nothing is of any real importance." + +I ran to the open window: "Is it true that you are empty?" I cried, +looking up at the pale expanse of sky which spread above me. "Reply, +reply! Before I die, grant that I may clasp in these arms of mine +something more than a dream!" + +Profound silence reigned. As I stood with arms outstretched, eyes lost +in space, a swallow uttered a plaintive cry; in spite of myself I +followed it with my eyes; while the swallow disappeared from sight like a +flash, a little girl passed singing. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + +THE SEARCH FOR HEALING + +Yet I was unwilling to yield. + +Before taking life on its pleasant side--a side which to me seemed rather +sinister--I resolved to test everything. I remained thus for some time, +a prey to countless sorrows, tormented by terrible dreams. + +The great obstacle to my cure was my youth. Wherever I happened to be, +whatever my occupation, I could think of nothing but women; the sight of +a woman made me tremble. + +It had been my fate--a fate as rare as happy--to give to love my +unsullied youth. But the result of this was that all my senses united +in idealizing love; there was the cause of my unhappiness. For not being +able to think of anything but women, I could not help turning over in my +head, day and night, all the ideas of debauchery, of false love and of +feminine treason, with which my mind was filled. For me to possess a +woman was to love her; I thought of nothing but women, but I believed no +more in the possibility of true love. + +All this suffering inspired me with a sort of rage. At times I was +tempted to imitate the monks and starve my body in order to conquer my +senses; at times I felt like rushing out into the street to throw myself +at the feet of the first woman I met and vow to her eternal love. + +God is my witness that I did all in my power to cure myself. Preoccupied +from the first with the idea that the society of men was the haunt of +vice and hypocrisy, where all were like my mistress, I resolved to +separate myself from them and live in complete isolation. I resumed my +neglected studies, and plunged into history, poetry, and anatomy. There +happened to be on the fourth floor of the same house an old and learned +German. I determined to learn his language; the German was poor and +friendless, and willingly accepted the task of instructing me. My +perpetual state of distraction worried him. How many times he waited in +patient astonishment while I, seated near him with a smoking lamp between +us, sat with my arms crossed on my book, lost in revery, oblivious of his +presence and of his pity. + +"My dear sir," said I to him one day, "all this is useless, but you are +the best of men. What a task you have undertaken! You must leave me to +my fate; we can do nothing, neither you nor I." + +I do not know that he understood my meaning, but he grasped my hand and +there was no more talk of German. + +I soon realized that solitude, instead of curing me, was doing me harm, +and so I completely changed my system. I went into the country, and +galloped through the woods with the huntsmen; I would ride until I was +out of breath, trying to cure myself with fatigue, and when, after a day +of sweat in the fields, I reached my bed in the evening smelling of +powder and the stable, I would bury my head in the pillow, roll about +under the covers and cry: "Phantom, phantom! are you not satiated? Will +you not leave me for one single night?" + +But why these vain efforts? Solitude sent me to nature, and nature to +love. Standing in the street of Mental Observation, I saw myself pale +and wan, surrounded by corpses, and, drying my hands on my bloody apron, +stifled by the odor of putrefaction, I turned my head in spite of myself, +and saw floating before my eyes green harvests, balmy fields, and the +pensive harmony of the evening. "No," said I, "science can not console +me; rather will I plunge into this sea of irresponsive nature and die +there myself by drowning. I will not war against my youth; I will live +where there is life, or at least die in the sunlight." I began to mingle +with the throngs at Sevres and Chaville, and stretch myself on flowery +swards in secluded groves. Alas! all the forests and fields cried to +me: + +"What do you seek here? We are young, poor child! We wear the colors of +hope." + +Then I returned to the city; I lost myself in its obscure streets; I +looked up at the lights in its windows, into those mysterious family +nests; I watched the passing carriages; I saw man jostling against man. +Oh, what solitude! How sad the smoke on those roofs! What sorrow in +those tortuous streets where all are hurrying hither and thither, working +and sweating, where thousands of strangers rub against your elbows; a +sewer where society is of bodies only, while souls are solitary and +alone, where all who hold out a hand to you are prostitutes! "Become +corrupt, corrupt, and you will cease to suffer!" This has been the cry +of all cities unto man; it is written with charcoal on the walls, on the +streets with mud, on men's faces with extravasated blood. + +At times, when seated in the corner of some salon I watched the women as +they danced, some rosy, some blue, and others white, their arms bare and +their hair gathered gracefully about their shapely heads, looking like +cherubim drunk with light, floating in spheres of harmony and beauty, +I would think: "Ah, what a garden, what flowers to gather, to breathe! +Ah! Marguerites, Marguerites! What will your last petal say to him who +plucks it? A little, a little, but not all. That is the moral of the +world, that is the end of your smiles. It is over this terrible abyss +that you are walking in your spangled gauze; it is on this hideous +reality you run like gazelles on the tips of your little toes!" + +"But why take things so seriously?" said Desgenais. "That is something +that is never seen. You complain because bottles become empty? There +are many casks in the vaults, and many vaults in the hills. Give me a +dainty fish-hook gilded with sweet words, a drop of honey for bait, and +quick! catch in the stream of oblivion a pretty consoler, as fresh and +slippery as an eel; you will still have the hook when the fish shall have +glided from your hands. Youth must pass away, and if I were you I would +carry off the queen of Portugal rather than study anatomy." + +Such was the advice of Desgenais. I made my way home with swollen heart, +my face concealed under my cloak. I kneeled at the side of my bed and my +poor heart dissolved in tears. What vows! what prayers! Galileo struck +the earth, crying: "Nevertheless it moves!" Thus I struck my heart. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + +BACCHUS, THE CONSOLER + +Suddenly, in the midst of black despair, youth and chance led me to +commit an act that decided my fate. + +I had written my mistress that I wished never to see her again; I kept my +word, but I passed the nights under her window, seated on a bench before +her door. I could see the lights in her room, I could hear the sound of +her piano, at times I saw something that looked like a shadow through the +partially drawn curtains. + +One night as I was seated on the bench, plunged in frightful melancholy, +I saw a belated workman staggering along the street. He muttered a few +words in a dazed manner and then began to sing. So much was he under the +influence of liquor that he walked at times on one side of the gutter and +then on the other. Finally he fell upon a bench facing another house +opposite me. There he lay still, supported on his elbows, and slept +profoundly. + +The street was deserted, a dry wind stirred the dust here and there; the +moon shone through a rift in the clouds and lighted the spot where the +man slept. So I found myself tete-a-tete with this boor, who, not +suspecting my presence, was sleeping on that stone bench as peacefully as +if in his own bed. + +The man served to divert my grief; I arose to leave him in full +possession, but returned and resumed my seat. I could not leave that +fateful door, at which I would not have knocked for an empire. Finally, +after walking up and down a few times, I stopped before the sleeper. + +"What sleep!" I said. "Surely this man does not dream. His clothes are +in tatters, his cheeks are wrinkled, his hands hardened with toil; he is +some unfortunate who does not have a meal every day. A thousand gnawing +cares, a thousand mortal sorrows await his return to consciousness; +nevertheless, this evening he had money in his pocket, and entered a +tavern where he purchased oblivion. He has earned enough in a week to +enjoy a night of slumber, and perhaps has purchased it at the expense of +his children's supper. Now his mistress can betray him, his friend can +glide like a thief into his hut; I could shake him by the shoulder and +tell him that he is being murdered, that his house is on fire; he would +turn over and continue to sleep." + +"And I--I do not sleep," I continued, pacing up and down the street, +"I do not sleep, I who have enough in my pocket at this moment to +purchase sleep for a year. I am so proud and so foolish that I dare not +enter a tavern, and it seems I do not understand that if unfortunates +enter there, it is to come out happy. O God! grapes crushed beneath the +foot suffice to dissipate the deepest sorrow and to break the invisible +threads that the fates weave about our pathway. We weep like women, +we suffer like martyrs; in our despair it seems that the world is +crumbling under our feet, and we sit down in tears as did Adam at Eden's +gate. And to cure our griefs we have but to make a movement of the hand +and moisten our throats. How contemptible our sorrow since it can be +thus assuaged! We are surprised that Providence does not send angels to +grant our prayers; it need not take the trouble, for it has seen our +woes, it knows our desires, our pride and bitterness, the ocean of evil +that surrounds us, and is content to hang a small black fruit along our +paths. Since that man sleeps so soundly on his bench, why do not I sleep +on mine? My rival is doubtless passing the night with my mistress; +he will leave her at daybreak; she will accompany him to the door and +they will see me asleep on my bench. Their kisses will not awaken me, +and they will shake me by the shoulder; I will turn over on the other +side and sleep on." + +Thus, inspired by fierce joy, I set out in quest of a tavern. As it was +past midnight some were closed; this put me in a fury. "What!" I cried, +"even that consolation is refused me!" I ran hither and thither knocking +at the doors of taverns, crying: "Wine! Wine!" + +At last I found one open; I called for a bottle, and without caring +whether it was good or bad, I gulped it down; a second followed, and then +a third. I dosed myself as with medicine, and forced the wine down as if +it had been prescribed by some physician to save my life. + +The heavy fumes of the liquor, doubtless adulterated, mounted to my head. +As I had gulped it down at a breath, drunkenness seized me promptly; I +felt that I was becoming muddled, then I experienced a lucid moment, then +confusion followed. Then consciousness left me, I leaned my elbows on +the table and said adieu to myself. + +But I had a confused idea that I was not alone in the tavern. At the +other end of the room stood a hideous group with haggard faces and harsh +voices. Their dress indicated that they belonged to the poorer class, +but were not bourgeois; in short, they belonged to that ambiguous class, +the vilest of all, which has neither fortune nor occupation, which never +works except at some criminal plot, a class which, neither poor nor rich, +combines the vices of one with the misery of the other. + +They were quarrelling over a dirty pack of cards. Among them was a girl +who appeared to be very young and very pretty, was decently clad, and +resembled her companions in no way, except in the harshness of her voice, +which was as rough and broken as if it had performed the office of public +crier. She looked at me closely, as if astonished to see me in such a +bad place, for I was elegantly attired. Little by little she approached +my table and seeing that all the bottles were empty, smiled. I saw that +she had fine teeth of brilliant whiteness; I took her hand and begged her +to be seated; she consented with good grace and asked what we should have +for supper. + +I looked at her without saying a word, while my eyes began to fill with +tears; she observed my emotion and inquired the cause. I could not +reply. She understood that I had some secret sorrow and forebore any +attempt to learn the cause; with her handkerchief she dried my tears from +time to time as we dined. + +There was something about this girl at once repulsive and sweet, +a singular boldness mingled with pity, that I could not understand. +If she had taken my hand in the street she would have inspired a feeling +of horror in me; but it seemed so strange that a creature I had never +seen should come to me, and, without a word, proceed to order supper and +dry my tears with her handkerchief, that I was rendered speechless; +it revolted, yet charmed me. What I had done had been done so quickly +that I seemed to have obeyed some impulse of despair. Perhaps I was a +fool, or the victim of some supernatural caprice. + +"Who are you?" I suddenly cried out; "what do you want of me? How do +you know who I am? Who told you to dry my tears? Is this your vocation +and do you think I desire you? I would not touch you with the tip of my +finger. What are you doing here? Reply at once. Is it money you want? +What price do you put on your pity?" + +I arose and tried to go out, but my feet refused to support me. At the +same time my eyes failed me, a mortal weakness took possession of me and +I fell over a stool. + +"You are not well," she said, taking me by the arm, "you have drunk, like +the child that you are, without knowing what you were doing. Sit down in +this chair and wait until a cab passes. You will tell me where you live +and I will order the driver to take you home to your mother, since," she +added, "you really find me ugly." + +As she spoke I raised my eyes. Perhaps my drunkenness deceived me, or +perhaps I had not seen her face clearly before, but suddenly I detected +in that unfortunate girl a fatal resemblance to my mistress. I shuddered +at the sight. There is a certain shudder that affects the hair; some say +it is death passing over the head, but it was not death that passed over +mine. + +It was the malady of the age, or rather was it that girl herself; and it +was she who, with her pale, halfmocking features and rasping voice, came +and sat with me at the end of the tavern room. + +The moment I perceived her resemblance to my mistress a frightful idea +occurred to me; it took irresistible possession of my muddled mind, and I +put it into execution at once. + +I escorted that girl to my home; and I arranged my room just as I had +been wont to do when my mistress was with me, for I was dominated by a +certain recollection of past joys. + +Having arranged my room to my satisfaction, I gave myself up to the +intoxication of despair. I probed my heart to the bottom in order to +sound its depths. A Tyrolean song that my loved one used to sing began +to run through my head: + + Altra volta gieri biele, + Blanch' a rossa com' un flore, + Ma ora no. Non son piu biele + Consumatis dal' amore. + + [Once I was beautiful, white and rosy as a flower; but now I am not. + I am no longer beautiful, consumed by the fire of love.] + +I listened to the echo of that song as it reverberated through the desert +of my heart. I said: "Behold the happiness of man; behold my little +Paradise; behold my queen Mab, a girl from the streets. My mistress is +no better. Behold what is found at the bottom of the glass when the +nectar of the gods has been drained; behold the corpse of love." + +The unfortunate creature heard me singing and began to sing herself. +I turned pale; for that harsh and rasping voice, coming from the lips +of one who resembled my mistress, seemed a symbol of my experience. +It sounded like a gurgle in the throat of debauchery. It seemed to me +that my mistress, having been unfaithful, must have such a voice. I was +reminded of Faust who, dancing at the Brocken with a young sorceress, +saw a red mouse emerge from her throat. + +"Stop!" I cried. I arose and approached her. + +Let me ask you, O men of the time, bent upon pleasure, who attend the +balls and the opera and who, upon retiring this night, will seek slumber +with the aid of some threadbare blasphemy of old Voltaire, some sensible +satire by Paul Louis Courier, or some essay on economics, you who dally +with the cold substance of that monstrous water-lily that Reason has +planted in the hearts of our cities-let me ask, if by some chance this +obscure book falls into your hands, not to smile with noble disdain or +shrug your shoulders. Be not too sure that I complain of an imaginary +evil; be not too sure that human reason is the most beautiful of +faculties, that there is nothing real here below but quotations on the +Bourse, gambling in the salon, wine on the table, the glow of health, +indifference toward others, and the pleasures of the night. + +For some day, across your stagnant life, a gust of wind will blow. Those +beautiful trees, that you water with the stream of oblivion, Providence +will destroy; despair will overtake you, heedless ones, and tears will +dim your eyes. I will not say that your mistresses will deceive you-- +that would not grieve you so much as the loss of a horse--but you can +lose on the Bourse. For the first plunge is not the last, and even if +you do not gamble, bethink you that your moneyed tranquillity, your +golden happiness, are in the care of a banker who may fail. In short, +I tell you, frozen as you are, you are capable of loving something; some +fibre of your being can be torn and you can give vent to cries that will +resemble a moan of pain. Some day, wandering about the muddy streets, +when daily material joys shall have failed, you will find yourself seated +disconsolately on a deserted bench at midnight. + +O men of marble! sublime egoists, inimitable reasoners, who have never +given way to despair or made a mistake in arithmetic, if this ever +happens to you, at the hour of your ruin you will remember Abelard when +he lost Heloise. For he loved her more than you love your horses, your +money, or your mistresses; and in losing her he lost more than your +monarch Satan would lose in falling again from the battlements of Heaven. +He loved her with a love of which the gazettes do not speak, the shadow +of which your wives and your daughters do not perceive in our theatres +and in our books. He passed half of his life kissing her white forehead, +teaching her to sing the psalms of David and the canticles of Saul; he +had but her on earth alone; and God consoled him. + +Believe me, when in your distress you think of Abelard you will not look +with the same eye upon the rich blasphemy of Voltaire and the badinage of +Courier; you will feel that human reason can cure illusions but can not +heal sorrows; that God has use for Reason but that He has not made her a +sister of Charity. You will find that when the heart of man said: +"I believe in nothing, for I see nothing," it did not speak the last word +on the subject. You will look about you for something like hope, you +will shake the doors of churches to see if they still swing, but you will +find them walled up; you will think of becoming Trappists, and destiny +will mock at you, and for reply will give you a bottle of wine and a +courtesan. + +And if you drink the wine, and take the courtesan, you will learn how +such things come to pass. + + + + +PART II + +CHAPTER I + +AT THE CROSSWAYS + +Upon awaking the following morning I experienced a feeling of such deep +disgust with myself, and felt so degraded in my own eyes that a horrible +temptation assailed me. Then I sat down and looked gloomily about the +room, my eyes resting mechanically on a brace of pistols that decorated +the walls. + +When the suffering mind stretches its hands, so to speak, toward +annihilation, when the soul forms some violent resolution, there seems to +be an independent physical horror in the act of touching the cold steel +of some deadly weapon; the fingers stiffen in anguish, the arm grows cold +and hard. Nature recoils as the condemned walks to death. I can not +express what I experienced, unless it was as if my pistol had said to me: +"Think what you are about to do." + +Since then I have often wondered what would have happened to me if the +girl had departed immediately. Doubtless the first flush of shame would +have subsided; sadness is not despair, and God has joined them in order +that the one should not leave us alone with the other. Once relieved of +the presence of that woman, my heart would have become calm. There would +remain only repentance, for the angel of pardon has forbidden man to +kill. But I was doubtless cured for life; debauchery was once for all +driven from my door, and I would never again know the feeling of disgust +with which its first visit had inspired me. + +But it happened otherwise. The struggle which was going on within, the +poignant reflections which overwhelmed me, the disgust, the fear, the +wrath, even (for I experienced all these emotions at the same time), all +these fatal powers nailed me to my chair; and, while I was thus a prey to +dangerous delirium, the creature, standing before my mirror, thought of +nothing but how best to arrange her dress and fix her hair, smiling the +while. This lasted more than a quarter of an hour, during which I had +almost forgotten her. Finally some slight noise attracted my attention +to her, and turning about with impatience I ordered her to leave the room +in such a tone that she at once opened the door and threw me a kiss +before going out. + +At the same moment some one rang the bell of the outer door. I arose +precipitately, and had only time to open the closet door and motion the +creature into it, when Desgenais entered the room with two friends. + +The great currents that are found in the middle of the ocean resemble +certain events in life. Fatality, Chance, Providence, what matters the +name? Those who quarrel over the word admit the fact. Such are not +those who, speaking of Napoleon or Caesar, say: + +"He was a man of Providence." They apparently believe that heroes merit +the attention which Heaven shows them, and that the color of purple +attracts gods as well as bulls. + +As to what rules the course of these little events, or what objects and +circumstances, in appearance the least important, lead to changes in +fortune, there is not, to my mind, a deeper cause and opportunity for +thought. For something in our ordinary actions resembles the little +blunted arrows we shoot at targets; little by little we make of our +successive deeds an abstract and regular entity that we call our prudence +or our will. Then comes a gust of wind, and lo! the smallest of these +arrows, the very lightest and most ineffective, is wafted beyond our +vision, beyond the very horizon to the dwelling-place of God himself. + +What a strange feeling of unrest seizes us then! What becomes of those +phantoms of tranquil pride, the will and prudence? Force itself, that +mistress of the world, that sword of man in the combat of life, in vain +do we brandish it over our heads in wrath, in vain do we seek to ward off +with it a blow which threatens us; an invisible power turns aside the +point, and all the impetus of effort, deflected into space, serves only +to precipitate our fall. + +Thus, at the moment I was hoping to cleanse myself from the sin I had +committed, perhaps to inflict the penalty, at the very instant when a +great horror had taken possession of me, I learned that I had to sustain +a dangerous test. + +Desgenais was in good humor; stretching himself out on my sofa he began +to chaff me about my appearance, which indicated, he said, that I had not +slept well. As I was little disposed to indulge in pleasantry I begged +him to spare me. + +He appeared to pay no attention to me, but, warned by my tone, soon +broached the subject that had brought him to me. He informed me that my +mistress had not only two lovers at a time, but three; that is to say, +she had treated my rival as badly as she had treated me; the poor boy, +having discovered her inconstancy, made a great ado and all Paris knew +it. At first I did not catch the meaning of Desgenais's words, as I was +not listening attentively; but when he had repeated his story three times +in detail I was so stupefied that I could not reply. My first impulse +was to laugh, for I saw that I had loved the most unworthy of women; +but it was no less true that I loved her still. "Is it possible?" was +all I could say. + +Desgenais's friends confirmed all he had said. My mistress had been +surprised in her own house between two lovers, and a scene ensued that +all Paris knew by heart. She was disgraced, obliged to leave Paris or +remain exposed to the most bitter taunts. + +It was easy for me to see that in all this ridicule a great part was +directed at me, not only on account of my duel in connection with this +woman, but from my whole conduct in regard to her. To say that she +deserved severest censure, that she had perhaps committed far worse sins +than those she was charged with, was but to make me feel that I had been +one of her dupes. + +All this did not please me; but Desgenais had undertaken the task of +curing me of my love, and was prepared to treat my disease heroically. +A long friendship, founded on mutual services, gave him certain rights, +and as his motive appeared praiseworthy I allowed him to have his way. + +Not only did he not spare me, but when he saw my trouble and my shame +increase, he pressed me the harder. My impatience was so obvious that he +could not continue, so he stopped and remained silent--a course that +irritated me still more. + +In my turn I began to ask questions; I paced to and fro in my room. +Although the recital of the story was well-nigh insupportable, I wished +to hear it again. I tried to assume a smiling face and tranquil air, but +in vain. Desgenais suddenly became silent after having shown himself to +be a most virulent gossip. While I was pacing up and down my room he +looked at me calmly, as if I were a caged fox. + +I can not express my state of mind. That a woman who had so long been +the idol of my heart, and who, since I had lost her, had caused me such +deep affliction, the only one I had ever loved, for whom indeed I might +sorrow till death, should become suddenly a shameless wretch, the subject +of coarse jests, of universal censure and scandal! It seemed to me that +I felt on my shoulder the brand of a glowing iron and that I was marked +with a burning stigma. + +The more I reflected, the more the darkness thickened about me. From +time to time I turned my head and saw a cold smile or a curious glance. +Desgenais did not leave me; he knew very well what he was doing, and saw +that I might go to any lengths in my present desperate condition. + +When he found that he had brought me to the desired point, he did not +hesitate to deal the finishing stroke. + +"Does that story displease you?" he asked. "The best is yet to come. +My dear Octave, the scene I have described took place on a certain night +when the moon was shining brightly. While the two lovers were +quarrelling over their fair one, and talking of cutting her throat as she +sat before the fire, down in the street a certain shadow was seen to pass +up and down before the house, a shadow that resembled you so closely that +it was decided it must be you." + +"Who says so?" I asked, "who saw me in the street?" + +"Your mistress herself; she told it to every one who cared to listen, +just as cheerfully as we tell you her story. She claims that you love +her still, that you keep guard at her door, in short--everything you can +think of; but you ought to know that she talks about you publicly." + +I have never been able to lie, for whenever I have tried to disguise the +truth my face has betrayed me. 'Amour propre', the shame of confessing +my weakness before witnesses induced me, however, to make the effort. +"It is very true that I was in the street," I thought, "but had I known +that my mistress was as bad as she is, I should not have been there." + +Finally I persuaded myself that I had not been seen distinctly; I +attempted to deny it. A deep flush suffused my face and I felt the +futility of my feint. Desgenais smiled. + +"Take care," said he, "take care, do not go too far." + +"But," I protested, "how did I know it, how could I know--" + +Desgenais compressed his lips as if to say: + +"You knew enough." + +I stopped short, mumbling the remnant of my sentence. My blood became so +hot that I could not continue. + +"I in the street bathed in tears, in despair, and during that time that +encounter within! What! that very night! Mocked by her! Surely, +Desgenais, you are dreaming. Is it true? Can it be possible? What can +you know about it?" + +Thus talking at haphazard, I lost my head and an irresistible feeling of +wrath began to rise within me. Finally I sat down exhausted. + +"My friend," said Desgenais, "do not take the thing so seriously. The +solitary life you have been leading for the last two months has made you +ill; I see you have need of distraction. Come to supper with me this +evening, and tomorrow morning we will go to the country." + +The tone in which he said this hurt me more than anything else; in vain I +tried to control myself. "Yes," I thought, "deceived by that woman, +poisoned by horrible suggestions, having no refuge either in work or in +fatigue, having for my only safeguard against despair and ruin a sacred +but frightful grief. O God! it is that grief, that sacred relic of my +sorrow, that has just crumbled in my hands! It is no longer, my love, it +is my despair that is insulted. Mockery! She mocks at me as I weep!" +That appeared incredible to me. All the memories of the past crowded +about my heart when I thought of it. I seemed to see the spectres of our +nights of love; they hung over a bottomless, eternal abyss, black as +chaos, and from the bottom of that abyss arose a shriek of laughter, +sweet but mocking, that said: "Behold your reward!" + +Had I been told that the world mocked at me I would have replied: "So +much the worse for it," and I should not have been angry; but at the same +time I was told that my mistress was a shameless wretch. Thus, on one +side, the ridicule was public, vouched for, stated by two witnesses who, +before telling what they knew, must have felt that the world was against +me; and, on the other hand, what reply could I make? How could I escape? +What could I do when the centre of my life, my heart itself, was ruined, +killed, annihilated. What could I say when the woman for whom I had +braved all, ridicule as well as blame, for whom I had borne a load of +misery, whom I loved, and who loved another, of whom I demanded no love, +of whom I desired nothing but permission to weep at her door, no favor +but that of vowing my youth to her memory and of writing her name, her +name alone, on the tomb of my hopes!--Ah! when I thought of it, I felt +the hand of death heavy upon me. That woman mocked me, it was she who +first pointed her finger at me, singling me out to the idle crowd which +surrounded her; it was she, it was those lips erstwhile so many times +pressed to mine, it was that body, that soul of my life, my flesh and my +blood, it was from that source the injury came; yea, the last pang of +all, the most cowardly and the most bitter, the pitiless laugh that +sneers in the face of grief. + +The more I thought of it the more enraged I became. Did I say enraged? +I do not know what passion possessed me. What I do know is that an +inordinate desire for vengeance entered into my soul. How could I +revenge myself on a woman? I would have paid any price for a weapon +that could be used against her. But I had none, not even the one she +had employed; I could not pay her in her own coin. + +Suddenly I noticed a shadow moving behind the curtain before the closet. +I had forgotten my prisoner. + +"Listen to me!" I cried, rising, "I have loved, I have loved like a +fool. I deserve all the ridicule you have subjected me to. But, by +Heaven! I will show you something that will prove to you that I am not +such a fool as you think." + +With these words I pulled aside the curtain and exposed the interior of +the closet. The girl was trying to conceal herself in a corner. + +"Go in, if you choose," I said to Desgenais; "you who call me a fool for +loving a woman, see how your teaching has affected me. Do you think I +passed last night under the windows of--? But that is not all," I added, +"that is not all I have to say. You give a supper to-night and to-morrow +go to the country; I am with you, and shall not leave you from now on. +We will not separate, but will pass the entire day together. Are you +with me? Agreed! I have tried to make of my heart the mausoleum of my +love, but I will bury my love in another tomb." + +With these words I sat down, marvelling how indignation can solace grief +and restore happiness. Whoever is astonished to learn that, from that +day, I completely changed my course of life does not know the heart of +man, and does not understand that a young man of twenty may hesitate +before taking a step, but does not retreat when he has once taken it. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +THE CHOSEN WAY + +The first steps in debauchery resemble vertigo, for one feels a sort of +terror mingled with sensuous delight, as if peering downward from some +giddy--height. While shameful, secret dissipation ruins the noblest of +men, in the frank and open defiance of conventionality there is something +that compels respect even in the most depraved. He who goes at +nightfall, muffled in his cloak, to sully his life in secret, and +clandestinely to shake off the hypocrisy of the day, resembles an Italian +who strikes his enemy from behind, not daring to provoke him to open +quarrel. There are assassinations in the dark corners of the city under +shelter of the night. He who goes his way without concealment says: +"Every one does it and conceals it; I do it and do not conceal it." +Thus speaks pride, and once that cuirass has been buckled on, it glitters +with the refulgent light of day. + +It is said that Damocles saw a sword suspended over his head. Thus +libertines seem to have something over their heads which says: "Go on, +but remember, I hang not by a thread." Those masked carriages that +are seen during Carnival are the faithful images of their life. +A dilapidated open wagon, flaming torches lighting up painted faces; +some laugh, some sing. Among them you see what appear to be women; +they are in fact what once were women, with human semblance. They are +caressed and insulted; no one knows who they are or what their names. +They float and stagger under the flaming torches in an intoxication that +thinks of nothing, and over which, it is said, a pitying God watches. + +But if the first impression be astonishment, the second is horror, and +the third pity. There is evident so much force, or rather such an abuse +of force, that often the noblest characters and the strongest +constitutions are ruined. The life appears hardy and dangerous to these; +they would make prodigies of themselves; bound to debauchery as Mazeppa +to his horse, they gallop, making Centaurs of themselves and seeing +neither the bloody trail that the shreds of their flesh leave, nor the +eyes of the wolves that gleam in hungry pursuit, nor the desert, nor the +vultures. + +Launched into that life by the circumstances that I have recounted, I +must now describe what I saw there. + +Before I had a close view of one of those famous gatherings called +theatrical masked balls, I had heard the debauchery of the Regency spoken +of, and a reference to the time when a queen of France appeared disguised +as a violet-seller. I found there flower-merchants disguised as +vivandieres. I expected to find libertinism there, but in fact I found +none at all. One sees only the scum of libertinism, some blows, and +drunken women lying in deathlike stupor on broken bottles. + +Ere I saw debauchery at table I had heard of the suppers of Heliogabolus +and of the philosophy of Greece, which made the pleasures of the senses a +kind of natural religion. I expected to find oblivion or something like +joy; I found there the worst thing in the world: ennui trying to live, +and some Englishmen who said: "I do this or that, and so I amuse myself. +I have spent so many sovereigns, and have procured so much pleasure." +And thus they wear out their life on that grindstone. + +I had known nothing of courtesans when I heard of Aspasia, who sat on +the knees of Alcibiades while discussing philosophy with Socrates. +I expected to find something bold and insolent, but gay, free, and +vivacious, something with the sparkle of champagne; I found a yawning +mouth, a fixed eye, and light fingers. + +Before I saw titled courtesans I had read Boccaccio and Bandello; above +all, I had read Shakespeare. I had dreamed of those beautiful triflers; +of those cherubim of hell. A thousand times I had drawn those heads so +poetically foolish, so enterprising in audacity, heads of harebrained +mistresses who wreck a romance with a glance, and who pass through life +by waves and by pulsations, like the sirens of the tides. I thought of +the fairies of the modern tales, who are always drunk with love if not +with wine. I found, instead, writers of letters, exact arrangers of +assignations, who practised lying as an art and cloaked their baseness +under hypocrisy, whose only thought was to give themselves for profit and +to forget. + +Ere first I looked on the gaming-table I had heard of floods of gold, +of fortunes made in a quarter of an hour, and of a lord of the court of +Henry IV, who won on one card a hundred thousand louis. I found a narrow +room where workmen who had but one shirt rented a suit for the evening +for twenty sous, police stationed at the door, and starving wretches +staking a crust of bread against a pistol-shot. + +Unknown to me were those dance-halls, public or other, open to any of +those thirty thousand women who are permitted to sell themselves in +Paris; I had heard of the saturnalia of all ages, of every imaginable +orgy, from Babylon to Rome, from the temple of Priapus to the Parc-aux- +Cerfs, and I have always seen written on the sill of that door the word, +"Pleasure." I found nothing suggestive of pleasure, but in its place +another word; and it has always seemed ineffaceable, not graven in that +glorious metal that takes the sun's light, but in the palest of all, the +cold colors of which seem tinted by the moonlight silver. + +The first time I saw a mob, it was a depressing morning--Ash Wednesday, +near Courtille. A cold, fine rain had been falling since the evening +before; the streets were covered with pools of water. Carriages with +blinds down were strung out hither and thither, crowding between hedges +of hideous men and women standing on the sidewalks. That sinister wall +of spectators had tigerish eyes, red with wine, gleaming with hatred. +The carriage-wheels splashed mud over them, but they did not move. I was +standing on the front seat of an open carriage; from time to time a man +in rags would step out from the wall, hurl a torrent of abuse at us, then +cover us with a cloud of flour. Mud would soon follow; yet we kept on +our way toward the Isle of Love and the pretty wood of Romainville, +consecrated by so many sweet kisses. One of my friends fell from his +seat into the mud, narrowly escaping death on the paving. The people +threw themselves on him to overpower him, and we were obliged to hasten +to his assistance. One of the trumpeters who preceded us on horseback +was struck on the shoulder by a paving-stone; the flour had given out. +I had never heard of anything like that. + +I began to understand the time and comprehend the spirit of the age. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +AFRICAN HOSPITALITY + +Desgenais had planned a reunion of young people at his country house. +The best wines, a splendid table, gaming, dancing, hunting, nothing was +lacking. Desgenais was rich and generous. He combined an antique +hospitality with modern ways. Moreover one could always find in his +house the best books; his conversation was that of a man of learning and +culture. He was a problem. + +I took with me a taciturn humor that nothing could overcome; he respected +it scrupulously. I did not reply to his questions and he dropped the +subject; he was satisfied that I had forgotten my mistress. I went to +the chase and appeared at the table, and was as convivial as the best; +he asked no more. + +One of the most unfortunate tendencies of inexperienced youth is to judge +of the world from first impressions; but it must be confessed that there +is a race of men who are also very unhappy; a race which says to youth: +"You are right in believing in evil, for we know what it is." I have +heard, for example, a curious thing spoken of, a medium between good and +evil, a certain arrangement between heartless women and men worthy of +them--apparently love, but in reality a passing sentiment. They speak of +love as of an engine constructed by a wagon-builder or a building- +contractor. They said to me: "This and that are agreed upon, such and +such phrases are spoken, and certain others are repeated in reply; +letters are written in a prescribed manner, you kneel in a certain +attitude." All is regulated as in a parade. + +This made me laugh. Unfortunately for me, I can not tell a woman whom I +despise that I love her, even when I know that it is only a convention +and that she will not be deceived by it. I have never bent my knee to +the ground when my heart did not go with it. So that class of women +known as facile is unknown to me, or if I allow myself to be taken with +them, it is without knowing it, and through innate simplicity. + +I can understand that one's soul can be put aside, but not that it should +be handled. That there is some pride in this, I confess, but I do not +intend either to boast or abase myself. Above all things I hate those +women who laugh at love, and I permit them to reciprocate the sentiment; +there will never be any dispute between us. + +Such women are beneath courtesans, for courtesans may lie as well as +they; but courtesans are capable of love, and these women are not. I +remember a woman who loved me, and who said to a man many times richer +than I, with whom she was living: "I am weary of you, I am going to my +lover." That woman is worth more than many others who are not despised +by society. + +I passed the entire season with Desgenais, and learned that my mistress +had left France; that news left in my heart a feeling of languor which I +could not overcome. + +At the sight of that world which surrounded and was so new to me, +I experienced at first a kind of bizarre curiosity, at once sad and +profound, which made me look timorously at things as does a restless +horse. Then an incident occurred which made a deep impression on me. + +Desgenais had with him a very beautiful woman who loved him much. +One evening as I was walking with him I told him that I considered her +admirable, as much on account of her attachment for him as because of her +beauty. In short, I praised her highly and with warmth, giving him to +understand that he ought to be happy. + +He made no reply. It was his manner, for he was the dryest of men. That +night when all had retired, and I had been in bed some fifteen minutes I +heard a knock at my door. I supposed it was some one of my friends who +could not sleep, and invited him to enter. + +There appeared before my astonished eyes a woman, very pale, carrying a +bouquet in her hands, to which was attached a piece of paper bearing +these words "To Octave, from his friend Desgenais." + +I had no sooner read these words than a flash of light came to me. +I understood the meaning of this action of Desgenais in making me this +African gift. It made me think. The poor woman was weeping and did not +dare dry her tears for fear I would see them. I said to her: "You may +return and fear nothing." + +She replied that if she should return Desgenais would send her back to +Paris. "Yes," I replied, "you are beautiful and I am susceptible to +temptation, but you weep, and your tears not being shed for me, I care +nothing for the rest. Go, therefore, and I will see to it that you are +not sent back to Paris." + +One of my peculiarities is that meditation, which with many is a firm and +constant quality of the mind, is in my case an instinct independent of +the will, and seizes me like a fit of passion. It comes to me at +intervals in its own good time, regardless of my will and in almost any +place. But when it comes I can do nothing against it. It takes me +whither it pleases by whatever route seems good to it. + +When the woman had left, I sat up. + +"My friend," I said to myself, "behold what has been sent you. If +Desgenais had not seen fit to send you his mistress he would not have +been mistaken, perhaps, in supposing that you might fall in love with +her. + +"Have you well considered it? A sublime and divine mystery is +accomplished. Such a being costs nature the most vigilant maternal care; +yet man, who would cure you, can think of nothing better than to offer +you lips which belong to him in order to teach you how to cease to love. + +"How was it accomplished? Others than you have doubtless admired her, +but they ran no risk. She might employ all the seduction she pleased; +you alone were in danger. + +"It must be that Desgenais has a heart, since he lives. In what respect +does he differ from you. He is a man who believes in nothing, fears +nothing, who knows no care or ennui, perhaps, and yet it is clear that a +scratch on the finger would fill him with terror, for if his body +abandons him, what becomes of him? He lives only in the body. What sort +of creature is he who treats his soul as the flagellants treat their +bodies? Can one live without a head? + +"Think of it. Here is a man who possesses one of the most beautiful +women in the world; he is young and ardent; he finds her beautiful and +tells her so; she replies that she loves him. Some one touches him on +the shoulder and says to him: 'She is unfaithful.' Nothing more, he is +sure of himself. If some one had said: 'She is a poisoner,' he would, +perhaps have continued to love her, he would not have given her a kiss +less; but she is unfaithful, and it is no more a question of love with +him than of the star of Saturn. + +"What is there in that word? A word that is merited, positive, +withering, at will. But why? It is still but a word. Can you kill a +body with a word? + +"And if you love that body? Some one pours a glass of wine and says to +you: 'Do not love that, for you can get four for six francs.' And it may +intoxicate you! + +"But Desgenais loves his mistress, since he keeps her; he must, +therefore, have a peculiar fashion of loving? No, he has not; his +fashion of loving is not love, and he cares no more for the woman who +merits affection than for her who is unworthy. He loves no one, simply +and truly. + +"What has led him to this? Was he born thus? To love is as natural as +to eat and to drink. He is not a man. Is he a dwarf or a giant? Is he +always so impassive? Upon what does he feed, what beverage does he +drink? Behold him at thirty like old Mithridates; poisons are his +familiar friends. + +"There is the great secret, my child, the key you must grasp. By +whatever process of reasoning debauchery may be defended, it will be +proven that it is natural at a given day, hour, or night, but not to- +morrow nor every day. There is not a nation on earth which has not +considered woman either the companion and consolation of man or the +sacred instrument of life, and has not under either of these two forms +honored her. And yet here is an armed warrior who leaps into the abyss +that God has dug with His own hands between man and brute; as well might +he deny that fact. What mute Titan is this who dares repress under the +kisses of the body the love of the soul, and place on human lips the +stigma of the brute, the seal of eternal silence? + +"There is a word that should be studied. In it you hear the faint moan +of those dismal labyrinths we know as secret societies, mysteries that +the angels of destruction whisper in the ear of night as it descends upon +the earth. That man is better or worse than God has made him. He is +like a sterile woman, in whom nature has not completed her work, or there +is distilled in the shadow of his life some venomous poison. + +"Ah! yes, neither occupation nor study has been able to cure you, my +friend. To forget and to learn, that is your device. You turn the +leaves of dead books; you are too young for antiquities. Look about you, +the pale throng of men surrounds you. The eyes of life's sphynx glitter +in the midst of divine hieroglyphics; decipher the book of life! +Courage, scholar, launch out on the Styx, the deathless flood, and let +the waves of sorrow waft you to oblivion or to God." + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +MARCO + +"All the good there was in it, supposing there was some good in it, was +that false pleasures were the seeds of sorrow and of bitterness which +fatigued me to the point of exhaustion." Such are the simple words +spoken with reference to his youth by a man who was the most manly of any +who have lived--St. Augustine. Of those who have done as I, few would +say those words; all have them in their hearts; I have found no others in +mine. + +Returning to Paris in the month of December, I passed the winter +attending pleasure parties, masquerades, suppers, rarely leaving +Desgenais, who was delighted with me: not so was I with him. The more +I went about, the more unhappy I became. It seemed to me after a short +time that the world which had at first appeared so strange would hamper +me, so to speak, at every step; yet where I had expected to see a +spectre, I discovered, upon closer inspection, a shadow. + +Desgenais asked what ailed me. + +"And you?" I asked. "What is the matter with you? Have you lost some +relative? Or do you suffer from some wound?" + +At times he seemed to understand and did not question me. Occasionally +we sat down at a cafe table and drank until our heads swam; or in the +middle of the night took horses and rode ten or twelve leagues into the +country; returning to the bath, then to table, then to gambling, then to +bed; and on reaching mine, I fell on my knees and wept. That was my +evening prayer. + +Strange to say, I took pride in passing for what I was not, I boasted of +being worse than I really was, and experienced a sort of melancholy +pleasure in doing so. When I had actually done what I claimed, I felt +nothing but ennui, but when I invented an account of some folly, some +story of debauchery, or a recital of an orgy with which I had nothing to +do, it seemed to me that my heart was better satisfied, although I know +not why. + +Whenever I joined a party of pleasure-seekers and visited some spot made +sacred by tender associations I became stupid, went off by myself, looked +gloomily at the trees and bushes as if I would like to trample them under +my feet. Upon my return I would remain silent for hours. + +The baleful idea that truth is nudity beset me on every occasion. + +"The world," I said to myself, "is accustomed to call its disguise +virtue, its chaplet religion, its flowing mantle convenience. Honor and +Morality are man's chambermaids; he drinks in his wine the tears of the +poor in spirit who believe in him; while the sun is high in the heavens +he walks about with downcast eye; he goes to church, to the ball, to the +assembly, and when evening has come he removes his mantle and there +appears a naked bacchante with the hoofs of a goat." + +But such thoughts aroused a feeling of horror, for I felt that if the +body was under the clothing, the skeleton was under the body. "Is it +possible that that is all?." I asked in spite of myself. Then I +returned to the city, I saw a little girl take her mother's arm, and I +became like a child. + +Although I had followed my friends into all manner of dissipation, I had +no desire to resume my place in the world of society. The sight of women +caused me intolerable pain; I could not touch a woman's hand without +trembling. I had decided never to love again. + +Nevertheless I returned from the ball one evening so sick at heart that I +feared that it was love. I happened to have had beside me at supper the +most charming and the most distinguished woman whom it had ever been my +good fortune to meet. When I closed my eyes to sleep I saw her image +before me. I thought I was lost, and I at once resolved that I would +avoid meeting her again. A sort of fever seized me, and I lay on my bed +for fifteen days, repeating over and over the lightest words I had +exchanged with her. + +As there is no spot on earth where one can be so well-known by his +neighbors as in Paris, it was not long before the people of my +acquaintance who had seen me with Desgenais began to accuse me of being a +great libertine. In that I admired the discernment of the world: in +proportion as I had passed for inexperienced and sensitive at the time of +my rupture with my mistress, I was now considered corrupt and hardened. +Some one had just told me that it was clear I had never loved that woman, +that I had doubtless merely played at love, thereby paying me a +compliment which I really did not deserve; but the truth of it was that +I was so swollen with vanity I was charmed with it. + +My desire was to pass as blase, even while I was filled with desires and +my exalted imagination was carrying me beyond all limits. I began to say +that I could not make any headway with the women; my head was filled with +chimeras which I preferred to realities. In short, my unique pleasure +consisted in altering the nature of facts. If a thought were but +extraordinary, if it shocked common sense, I became its ardent champion +at the risk of advocating the most dangerous sentiments. + +My greatest fault was imitation of everything that struck me, not by its +beauty but by its strangeness, and not wishing to confess myself an +imitator I resorted to exaggeration in order to appear original. +According to my idea, nothing was good or even tolerable; nothing was +worth the trouble of turning the head, and yet when I had become warmed +up in a discussion it seemed as if there was no expression in the French +language strong enough to sustain my cause; but my warmth would subside +as soon as my opponents ranged themselves on my side. + +It was a natural consequence of my conduct. Although disgusted with the +life I was leading I was unwilling to change it: + + Simigliante a quells 'nferma + Che non puo trovar posa in su le piume, + Ma con dar volta suo dolore scherma.--DANTE. + +Thus I tortured my mind to give it change, and I fell into all these +vagaries in order to get away from myself. + +But while my vanity was thus occupied, my heart was suffering, so that +ever within me were a man who laughed and a man who wept. It was a +perpetual struggle between my head and my heart. My own mockeries +frequently caused me great pain and my deepest sorrows aroused a desire +to burst into laughter. + +One day a man boasted of being proof against superstitious fears, in +fact, fear of every kind. His friends put a human skeleton in his bed +and then concealed themselves in an adjoining room to wait for his +return. They did not hear any noise, but in the morning they found him +dressed and sitting on the bed playing with the bones; he had lost his +reason. + +I might be that man but for the fact that my favorite bones are those of +a well-beloved skeleton; they are the debris of my first love, all that +remains of the past. + +But it must not be supposed that there were no joyous moments in all this +maddened whirl. Among Desgenais's companions were several young men of +distinction and a number of artists. We sometimes passed together +delightful evenings imagining ourselves libertines. One of them was +infatuated with a beautiful singer, who charmed us with her fresh and +expressive voice. How many times we sat listening to her while supper +was waiting! How many times, when the flagons had been emptied, one of +us held a volume of Lamartine and read aloud in a voice choked by +emotion! Every other thought disappeared. The hours passed by unheeded. +What strange "libertines" we were! We did not speak a word and there +were tears in our eyes. + +Desgenais especially, habitually the coldest and dryest of men, +was inexplicable on such occasions; he delivered himself of such +extraordinary sentiments that he might have been a poet in delirium. +But after these effusions he would be seized with furious joy. When +warmed by wine he would break everything within reach; the genius of +destruction stalked forth in him armed to the teeth. I have seen him +pickup a chair and hurl it through a closed window. + +I could not help making a study of this singular man. He appeared to me +the exact type of a class which ought to exist somewhere but which was +unknown to me. One could never tell whether his outbursts were the +despair of a man sick of life, or the whim of a spoiled child. + +During the fete, in particular, he was in such a state of nervous +excitement that he acted like a schoolboy. Once he persuaded me to go +out on foot with him, muffled in grotesque costumes, with masks and +instruments of music. We promenaded all night, in the midst of the most +frightful din of horrible sounds. We found a driver asleep on his box +and unhitched his horses; then, pretending we had just come from the +ball, set up a great cry. The coachman started up, cracked his whip, +and his horses started off on a trot, leaving him seated on the box. +That same evening we had passed through the Champs Elysees; Desgenais, +seeing another carriage passing, stopped it after the manner of a +highwayman; he intimidated the coachman by threats and forced him to +climb down and lie flat on his stomach. He opened the carriage door and +found within a young man and a lady motionless with fright. He whispered +to me to imitate him, and we began to enter one door and go out by the +other, so that in the obscurity the poor young people thought they saw a +procession of bandits going through their carriage. + +As I understand it, the men who say that the world gives experience ought +to be astonished if they are believed. The world is merely a number of +whirlpools, each one independent of the others; they circle in groups +like flocks of birds. There is no resemblance between the different +quarters of the same city, and the denizen of the Chaussee d'Antin has as +much to learn at Marais as at Lisbon. It is true that these various +whirlpools are traversed, and have been since the beginning of the world, +by seven personages who are always the same: the first is called hope; +the second, conscience; the third, opinion; the fourth, desire; the +fifth, sorrow; the sixth, pride; and the seventh, man. + +"But," the reader objects, "where are the women in all this?" + +Oh! creatures who bear the name of women and who have passed like dreams +through a life that was itself a dream, what shall I say of you? Where +there is no shadow of hope can there be memory? Where shall I seek for +it? What is there more dumb in human memory? What is there more +completely forgotten than you? + +If I must speak of women I will mention two; here is one of them: + +I ask what would be expected of a poor sewing-girl, young and pretty, +about eighteen, with a romantic affair on her hands that is purely a +question of love; with little knowledge of life and no idea of morals; +eternally sewing near a window before which processions were not allowed +to pass by order of the police, but near which a dozen young women +prowled who were licensed and recognized by these same police; what could +you expect of her, when after wearying her hands and eyes all day long on +a dress or a hat, she leans out of that window as night falls? That +dress she has sewed, that hat she has trimmed with her poor and honest +hands in order to earn a supper for the household, she sees passing along +the street on the head or on the body of a notorious woman. Thirty times +a day a hired carriage stops before the door, and there steps out a +dissolute character, numbered as is the hack in which she rides, who +stands before a glass and primps, taking off and putting on the results +of many days' work on the part of the poor girl who watches her. She +sees that woman draw from her pocket gold in plenty, she who has but one +louis a week; she looks at her feet and her head, she examines her dress +and eyes her as she steps into her carriage; and then, what can you +expect? When night has fallen, after a day when work has been scarce, +when her mother is sick, she opens her door, stretches out her hand and +stops a passerby. + +Such is the story of a girl I once knew. She could play the piano, knew +something of accounts, a little designing, even a little history and +grammar, and thus a little of everything. How many times have I regarded +with poignant compassion that sad work of nature, mutilated by society! +How many times have I followed in the darkness the pale and vacillating +gleams of a spark flickering in abortive life! How many times have I +tried to revive the fire that smouldered under those ashes! Alas! her +long hair was the color of ashes, and we called her Cendrillon. + +I was not rich enough to help her; Desgenais, at my request, interested +himself in the poor creature; he made her learn over again all of which +she had a slight knowledge. But she could make no appreciable progress. +When her teacher left her she would fold her arms and for hours look +silently across the public square. What days! What misery! One day I +threatened that if she did not work she should have no money; she +silently resumed her task, and I learned that she stole out of the house +a few minutes later. Where did she go? God knows. Before she left I +asked her to embroider a purse for me. I still have that sad relic, it +hangs in my room, a monument of the ruin that is wrought here below. + +But here is another case: + +It was about ten in the evening when, after a riotous day, we repaired to +Desgenais's, who had left us some hours before to make his preparations. +The orchestra was ready and the room filled when we arrived. + +Most of the dancers were girls from the theatres. + +As soon as we entered I plunged into the giddy whirl of the waltz. That +delightful exercise has always been dear to me; I know of nothing more +beautiful, more worthy of a beautiful woman and a young man; all dances +compared with the waltz are but insipid conventions or pretexts for +insignificant converse. It is truly to possess a woman, in a certain +sense, to hold her for a half hour in your arms, and to draw her on in +the dance, palpitating in spite of herself, in such a way that it can not +be positively asserted whether she is being protected or seduced. Some +deliver themselves up to the pleasure with such modest voluptuousness, +with such sweet and pure abandon, that one does not know whether he +experiences desire or fear, and whether, if pressed to the heart, they +would faint or break in pieces like the rose. Germany, where that dance +was invented, is surely the land of love. + +I held in my arms a superb danseuse from an Italian theatre who had come +to Paris for the carnival; she wore the costume of a Bacchante with a +robe of panther's skin. Never have I seen anything so languishing as +that creature. She was tall and slender, and while dancing with extreme +rapidity, had the appearance of allowing herself to be led; to see her +one would think that she would tire her partner, but such was not the +case, for she moved as if by enchantment. + +On her bosom rested an enormous bouquet, the perfume of which intoxicated +me. She yielded to my encircling arms as would an Indian vine, with +a gentleness so sweet and so sympathetic that I seemed enveloped with +a perfumed veil of silk. At each turn there could be heard a light +tinkling from her metal girdle; she moved so gracefully that I thought +I beheld a beautiful star, and her smile was that of a fairy about to +vanish from human sight. The tender and voluptuous music of the dance +seemed to come from her lips, while her head, covered with a wilderness +of black tresses, bent backward as if her neck was too slender to support +its weight. + +When the waltz was over I threw myself on a chair; my heart beat wildly: +"Oh, heaven!" I murmured, "how can it be possible? Oh, superb monster! +Oh! beautiful reptile! How you writhe, how you coil in and out, sweet +adder, with supple and spotted skin! Thy cousin the serpent has taught +thee to coil about the tree of life holding between thy lips the apple of +temptation. Oh! Melusina! Melusina! The hearts of men are thine. You +know it well, enchantress, with your soft languor that seems to suspect +nothing! You know very well that you ruin, that you destroy; +you know that he who touches you will suffer; you know that he dies who +basks in your smile, who breathes the perfume of your flowers and comes +under the magic influence of your charms; that is why you abandon +yourself so freely, that is why your smile is so sweet, your flowers so +fresh; that is why you place your arms so gently on our shoulders. Oh, +heaven! what is your will with us?" + +Professor Halle has said a terrible thing: "Woman is the nervous part of +humanity, man the muscular." Humboldt himself, that serious thinker, has +said that an invisible atmosphere surrounds the human nerves. + +I do not quote the dreamers who watch the wheeling flight of +Spallanzani's bat, and who think they have found a sixth sense in nature. +Such as nature is, her mysteries are terrible enough, her powers mighty +enough--that nature which creates us, mocks at us, and kills us--without +our seeking to deepen the shadows that surround us. But where is the man +who thinks he has lived that will deny woman's power over us? Has he +ever taken leave of a beautiful dancer with trembling hands? Has he ever +felt that indefinable enervating magnetism which, in the midst of the +dance, under the influence of music, and the warmth, making all else seem +cold, that comes from a young woman, electrifying her and leaping from +her to him as the perfume of aloes from the swinging censer? + +I was struck with stupor. I was familiar with that sensation similar to +drunkenness which characterizes love; I knew that it was the aureole +which crowned my well-beloved. But that she should excite such heart- +throbs, that she should evoke such phantoms with nothing but her beauty, +her flowers, her motley costume, and a certain trick of dancing she had +learned from some merry-andrew; and that without a word, without a +thought, without even appearing to know it! What was chaos, if it +required seven days to make such a being? + +It was not love, however, that I felt, and I do not know how to describe +it unless I call it thirst. For the first time I felt vibrating in my +body a cord that was not attuned to my heart. The sight of that +beautiful animal had aroused a responsive roar from another animal in my +nature. I felt sure I could never tell that woman that I loved her, or +that she pleased me, or even that she was beautiful; there was nothing on +my lips but a desire to kiss her, and say to her: "Make a girdle of those +listless arms and lean that head on my breast; place that sweet smile on +my lips." My body loved hers; I was under the influence of beauty as of +wine. + +Desgenais passed and asked what I was doing there. + +"Who is that woman?" I asked. + +"What woman? Of whom do you speak?" + +I took his arm and led him into the hall. The Italian saw us coming and +smiled. I stopped and stepped back. + +"Ah!" said Desgenais, "you have danced with Marco?" + +"Who is Marco?" I asked. + +"Why, that idle creature who is laughing over there. Does she please +you?" + +"No," I replied, "I have waltzed with her and wanted to know her name; +I have no further interest in her." + +Shame led me to speak thus, but when Desgenais turned away I followed +him. + +"You are very prompt," he said, "Marco is no ordinary woman. She was +almost the wife of M. de ------, ambassador to Milan. One of his friends +brought her here. Yet," he added, "you may rest assured I shall speak to +her. We shall not allow you to die so long as there is any hope for you +or any resource left untried. It is possible that she will remain to +supper." + +He left me, and I was alarmed to see him approach her. But they were +soon lost in the crowd. + +"Is it possible," I murmured; "have I come to this? Oh! heavens! is this +what I am going to love? But after all," I thought, "my senses have +spoken, but not my heart." + +Thus I tried to calm myself. A few minutes later Desgenais tapped me on +the shoulder. + +"We shall go to supper at once," said he. "You will give your arm to +Marco." + +"Listen," I said; "I hardly know what I am experiencing. It seems to me +I see limping Vulcan covering Venus with kisses while his beard smokes +with the fumes of the forge. He fixes his staring eyes on the dazzling +skin of his prey. His happiness in the possession of his prize makes him +laugh for joy, and at the same time shudder with happiness, and then he +remembers his father, Jupiter, seated on high among the gods." + +Desgenais looked at me but made no reply; taking me by the arm he led me +away. + +"I am tired," he said, "and I am sad; this noise wearies me. Let us go +to supper, that will refresh us." + +The supper was splendid, but I could not touch it. + +"What is the matter with you?" asked Marco. + +I sat like a statue, making no reply and looking at her from head to foot +with amazement. + +She began to laugh, and Desgenais, who could see us from his table, +joined her. Before her was a large crystal glass cut in the shape of a +chalice, which reflected the glittering lights on its thousand sparkling +facets, shining like the prism and revealing the seven colors of the +rainbow. She listlessly extended her arm and filled it to the brim with +Cyprian and a sweetened Oriental wine which I afterward found so bitter +on the deserted Lido. + +"Here," she said, presenting it to me, "per voi, bambino mio." + +"For you and for me," I said, presenting her my glass in turn. + +She moistened her lips while I emptied my glass, unable to conceal the +sadness she seemed to read in my eyes. + +"Is it not good?" she asked. + +"No," I replied. + +"Perhaps your head aches?" + +"No." + +"Or you are tired?" + +"No." + +"Ah! then it is the ennui of love?" + +With these words she became serious, for in spite of herself, in speaking +of love, her Italian heart beat the faster. + +A scene of folly ensued. Heads were becoming heated, cheeks were +assuming that purple hue with which wine suffuses the face as if to +prevent shame appearing there. A confused murmur, like to that of a +rising sea, could be heard all over the room; here and there eyes would +become inflamed, then fixed and empty; I know not what wind stirred above +this drunkenness. A woman rises, as in a tranquil sea the first wave +that feels the tempest's breath foams up to announce it; she makes a sign +with her hand to command silence, empties her glass at a gulp and with +the same movement undoes her hair, which falls in shining tresses over +her shoulders; she opens her mouth as if to start a drinking-song; her +eyes are half closed. She breathes with an effort; twice a harsh sound +comes from her throat; a mortal pallor overspreads her features and she +drops into her chair. + +Then came an uproar which lasted an hour. It was impossible to +distinguish anything, either laughter, songs, or cries. + +"What do you think of it?" asked Desgenais. + +"Nothing," I replied. "I have stopped my ears and am looking at it." + +In the midst of this Bacchanalian orgy the beautiful Marco remained mute, +drinking nothing and leaning quietly on her bare arm. She seemed neither +astonished nor affected by it. + +"Do you not wish to do as they?" I asked. "You have just offered me +Cyprian wine; why do you not drink some yourself?" + +With these words I poured out a large glass full to the brim. She raised +it to her lips and then placed it on the table, and resumed her listless +attitude. + +The more I studied that Marco, the more singular she appeared; she took +pleasure in nothing and did not seem to be annoyed by anything. +It appeared as difficult to anger her as to please her; she did what +was asked of her, but no more. I thought of the genius of eternal +repose, and I imagined that if that pale statue should become +somnambulant it would resemble Marco. + +"Are you good or bad?" I asked. "Are you sad or gay? Are you loved? +Do you wish to beloved? Are you fond of money, of pleasure, of what? +Horses, the country, balls? What pleases you? Of what are you +dreaming?" + +To all these questions the same smile on her part, a smile that expressed +neither joy nor sorrow, but which seemed to say, "What does it matter?" +and nothing more. + +I held my lips to hers; she gave me a listless kiss and then passed her +handkerchief over her mouth. + +"Marco," I said, "woe to him who loves you." + +She turned her dark eyes on me, then turned them upward, and raising her +finger with that Italian gesture which can not be imitated, she +pronounced that characteristic feminine word of her country: + +"Forse!" + +And then dessert was served. Some of the party had departed, some were +smoking, others gambling, and a few still at table; some of the women +danced, others slept. The orchestra returned; the candles paled and +others were lighted. I recalled a supper of Petronius, where the lights +went out around the drunken masters, and the slaves entered and stole the +silver. All the while songs were being sung in various parts of the +room, and three Englishmen, three of those gloomy figures for whom the +Continent is a hospital, kept up a most sinister ballad that must have +been born of the fogs of their marshes. + +"Come," said I to Marco, "let us go." + +She arose and took my arm. + +"To-morrow!" cried Desgenais to me, as we left the hall. + +When approaching Marco's house, my heart beat violently and I could not +speak. I could not understand such a woman; she seemed to experience +neither desire nor disgust, and I could think of nothing but the fact +that my hand was trembling and hers motionless. + +Her room was, like her, sombre and voluptuous; it was dimly lighted by an +alabaster lamp. The chairs and sofa were as soft as beds, and there was +everywhere suggestion of down and silk. Upon entering I was struck with +the strong odor of Turkish pastilles, not such as are sold here on the +streets, but those of Constantinople, which are more powerful and more +dangerous. She rang, and a maid appeared. She entered an alcove without +a word, and a few minutes later I saw her leaning on her elbow in her +habitual attitude of nonchalance. + +I stood looking at her. Strange to say, the more I admired her, the more +beautiful I found her, the more rapidly I felt my desires subside. I do +not know whether it was some magnetic influence or her silence and +listlessness. I lay down on a sofa opposite the alcove, and the coldness +of death settled on my soul. + +The pulsation of the blood in the arteries is a sort of clock, the +ticking of which can be heard only at night. Man, free from exterior +attractions, falls back upon himself; he hears himself live. In spite of +my fatigue I could not close my eyes; those of Marco were fixed on me; we +looked at each other in silence, gently, so to speak. + +"What are you doing there?" she asked. + +She heaved a gentle sigh that was almost a plaint. + +I turned my head and saw that the first gleams of morning light were +shining through the window. + +I arose and opened the window; a bright light penetrated every corner of +the room. The sky was clear. + +I motioned to her to wait. Considerations of prudence had led her to +choose an apartment some distance from the centre of the city; perhaps +she had other quarters, for she sometimes received a number of visitors. +Her lover's friends sometimes visited her, and this room was doubtless +only a petite maison; it overlooked the Luxembourg, the gardens of which +extended as far as my eye could reach. + +As a cork held under water seems restless under the hand which holds it, +and slips through the fingers to rise to the surface, thus there stirred +in me a sentiment that I could neither overcome nor escape. The gardens +of the Luxembourg made my heart leap and banished every other thought. +How many times had I stretched myself out on one of those little mounds, +a sort of sylvan school, while I read in the cool shade some book filled +with foolish poetry! For such, alas, were the extravagances of my +childhood. I saw many souvenirs of the past among those leafless trees +and faded lawns. There, when ten years of age, I had walked with my +brother and my tutor, throwing bits of bread to some of the poor half- +starved birds; there, seated under a tree, I had watched a group of +little girls as they danced, and felt my heart beat in unison with the +refrain of their childish song. There, returning from school, I had +followed a thousand times the same path, lost in meditation upon some +verse of Virgil and kicking the pebbles at my feet. + +"Oh, my childhood! You are there!" I cried. "Oh, heaven! now I am +here." + +I turned around. Marco was asleep, the lamp had gone out, the light of +day had changed the aspect of the room; the hangings which had at first +appeared blue were now a faded yellow, and Marco, the beautiful statue, +was livid as death. + +I shuddered in spite of myself; I looked at the alcove, then at the +garden; my head became drowsy and fell on my breast. I sat down before +an open secretary near one of the windows. A piece of paper caught my +eye; it was an open letter and I looked at it mechanically. I read it +several times before I thought what I was doing. Suddenly a gleam of +intelligence came to me, although I could not understand everything. I +picked up the paper and read what follows, written in an unskilled hand +and filled with errors in spelling: + +"She died yesterday. She began to fail at twelve the night before. She +called me and said: 'Louison, I am going to join my companion; go to the +closet and take down the cloth that hangs on a nail; it is the mate of +the other.' I fell on my knees and wept, but she took my hand and said: +'Do not weep, do not weep!' And she heaved such a sigh--" + +The rest was torn, I can not describe the impression that sad letter made +on me; I turned it over and saw on the other side Marco's address and the +date that of the evening previous. + +"Is she dead? Who is dead?" I cried going to the alcove. "Dead! Who?" + +Marco opened her eyes. She saw me with the letter in my hand. + +"It is my mother," she said, "who is dead. You are not coming?" + +As she spoke she extended her hand. + +"Silence!" I said, "sleep, and leave me to myself." + +She turned over and went to sleep. I looked at her for some time to +assure myself that she would not hear me, and then quietly left the +house. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +SATIETY + +One evening I was seated before the fire with Desgenais. The window was +open; it was one of the early days in March, a harbinger of spring. + +It had been raining, and a light odor came from the garden. + +"What shall we do this spring?" I asked. "I do not care to travel." + +"I shall do what I did last year," replied Desgenais. "I shall go to the +country when the time comes." + +"What!" I replied. "Do you do the same thing every year? Are you going +to begin life over again this year?" + +"What would you expect me to do?" + +"What would I expect you to do?" I cried, jumping to my feet. "That is +just like you. Ah! Desgenais, how all this wearies me! Do you never +tire of this sort of life?" + +"No," he replied. + +I was standing before an engraving of the Magdalen in the desert. +Involuntarily I joined my hands. + +"What are you doing?" asked Desgenais. + +"If I were an artist," I replied, "and wished to represent melancholy, +I would not paint a dreamy girl with a book in her hands." + +"What is the matter with you this evening?" he asked, smiling. + +"No, in truth," I continued, "that Magdalen in tears has a spark of hope +in her bosom; that pale and sickly hand on which she supports her head, +is still sweet with the perfume with which she anointed the feet of her +Lord. You do not understand that in that desert there are thinking +people who pray. This is not melancholy." + +"It is a woman who reads," he replied dryly. + +"And a happy woman," I continued, "with a happy book." + +Desgenais understood me; he saw that a profound sadness had taken +possession of me. He asked if I had some secret cause of sorrow. +I hesitated, but did not reply. + +"My dear Octave," he said, "if you have any trouble, do not hesitate to +confide in me. Speak freely and you will find that I am your friend!" + +"I know it," I replied, "I know I have a friend; that is not my trouble." + +He urged me to explain. + +"But what will it avail," I asked, "since neither of us can help matters? +Do you want the fulness of my heart or merely a word and an excuse?" + +"Be frank!" he said. + +"Very well," I replied, "you have seen fit to give me advice in the past +and now I ask you to listen to me as I have listened to you. You ask +what is in my heart, and I am about to tell you. + +"Take the first comer and say to, him: 'Here are people who pass their +lives drinking, riding, laughing, gambling, enjoying all kinds of +pleasures; no barrier restrains them, their law is their pleasure, women +are their playthings; they are rich. They have no cares, not one. All +their days are days of feasting.' What do you think of it? Unless that +man happened to be a severe bigot, he would probably reply that it was +the greatest happiness that could be imagined. + +"'Then take that man into the centre of the whirl, place him at a table +with a woman on either side, a glass in his hand, a handful of gold every +morning and say to him: 'This is your life. While you sleep near your +mistress, your horses neigh in the stables; while you drive your horses +along the boulevards, your wines are ripening in your vaults; while you +pass away the night drinking, the bankers are increasing your wealth. +You have but to express a wish and your desires are gratified. You are +the happiest of men. But take care lest some night of carousal you drink +too much and destroy the capacity of your body for enjoyment. That would +be a serious misfortune, for all the ills that afflict human flesh can be +cured, except that. You ride some night through the woods with joyous +companions; your horse falls and you are thrown into a ditch filled with +mud, and it may be that your companions, in the midst of their happy +shoutings will not hear your cry of anguish; it may be that the sound of +their trumpets will die away in the distance while you drag your broken +limbs through the deserted forest. + +"'Some night you will lose at the gaming-table; fortune has its bad days. +When you return home and are seated before the fire, do not strike your +forehead with your hands, and allow sorrow to moisten your cheeks with +tears; do not anxiously cast your eyes about here and there as if +searching for a friend; do not, under any circumstances, think of those +who, under some thatched roof, enjoy a tranquil life and who sleep +holding each other by the hand; for before you on your luxurious bed +reclines a pale creature who loves--your money. From her you will seek +consolation for your grief, and she will remark that you are very sad and +ask if your loss was considerable; the tears from your eyes will concern +her deeply, for they may be the cause of allowing her dress to grow old +or the rings to drop from her fingers. Do not name him who won your +money that night, for she may meet him on the morrow, and may make sweet +eyes at him that would destroy your remaining happiness. + +"'That is what is to be expected of human frailty; have you the strength +to endure it? Are you a man? Beware of disgust, it is an incurable +evil; death is more to be desired than a living distaste for life. Have +you a heart? Beware of love, for it is worse than disease for a +debauchee, and it is ridiculous. Debauchees pay their mistresses, and +the woman who sells herself has no right but that of contempt for the +purchaser. Are you passionate? Take care of your face. It is shameful +for a soldier to throw down his arms and for a debauchee to appear to +hold to anything; his glory consists in touching nothing except with +hands of marble that have been bathed in oil in order that nothing may +stick to them. + +"'Are you hot-headed? If you desire to live, learn how to kill, for wine +is a wrangler. Have you a conscience? Take care of your slumber, for a +debauchee who repents too late is like a ship that leaks: it can neither +return to land nor continue on its course; the winds can with difficulty +move it, the ocean yawns for it, it careens and disappears. If you have +a body, look out for suffering; if you have a soul, despair awaits you. + +"'O unhappy one! beware of men; while they walk along the same path with +you, you will see a vast plain strewn with garlands where a happy throng +of dancers trip the gladsome farandole standing in a circle, each a link +in an endless chain. It is but a mirage; those who look down know that +they are dancing on a silken thread stretched over an abyss that swallows +up all who fall and shows not even a ripple on its surface. What foot is +sure? Nature herself seems to deny you her divine consolation; trees and +flowers are yours no more; you have broken your mother's laws, you are no +longer one of her foster children; the birds of the field become silent +when you appear. + +"'You are alone! Beware of God! You are face to face with Him, standing +like a cold statue upon the pedestal of will. The rain from heaven no +longer refreshes you, it undermines and weakens you. The passing wind no +longer gives you the kiss of life, its benediction on all that lives and +breathes; it buffets you and makes you stagger. Every woman who kisses +you takes from you a spark of life and gives you none in return; you +exhaust yourself on phantoms; wherever falls a drop of your sweat there +springs up one of those sinister weeds that grow in graveyards. Die! +You are the enemy of all who love; blot yourself from the face of the +earth, do not wait for old age; do not leave a child behind you, do not +perpetuate a drop of your corrupted blood; vanish as does the smoke, do +not deprive a single blade of living grass of a ray of sunlight.'" + +When I had spoken these words I fell back in my chair, and a flood of +tears streamed from my eyes. + +"Ah! Desgenais," I cried, sobbing, "this is not what you told me. Did +you not know it? And if you did, why did you not tell me of it?" + +But Desgenais sat still with folded hands; he was as pale as a shroud, +and a tear trickled slowly down his cheek. + +A moment of silence ensued. The clock struck; I suddenly remembered that +it was on this hour and this day one year ago that my mistress deceived +me. + +"Do you hear that clock?" I cried, "do you hear it? I do not know what +it means at this moment, but it is a terrible hour, and one that will +count in my life." + +I was beside myself, and scarcely knew what I was saying. But at that +instant a servant rushed into the room; he took my hand and led me aside, +whispering in my ear: + +"Sir, I have come to inform you that your father is dying; he has just +been seized with an attack of apoplexy and the physicians despair of his +life." + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +A terrible danger lurks in the knowledge of what is possible +Accustomed to call its disguise virtue +All that is not life, it is the noise of life +Become corrupt, and you will cease to suffer +Began to forget my own sorrow in my sympathy for her +Beware of disgust, it is an incurable evil +Death is more to be desired than a living distaste for life +Despair of a man sick of life, or the whim of a spoiled child +Do they think they have invented what they see +Force itself, that mistress of the world +Galileo struck the earth, crying: "Nevertheless it moves!" +Grief itself was for her but a means of seducing +He lives only in the body +Human weakness seeks association +I boasted of being worse than I really was +I can not love her, I can not love another +I do not intend either to boast or abase myself +Ignorance into which the Greek clergy plunged the laity +In what do you believe? +Indignation can solace grief and restore happiness +Is he a dwarf or a giant +Men doubted everything: the young men denied everything +Of all the sisters of love, the most beautiful is pity +Perfection does not exist +Resorted to exaggeration in order to appear original +Sceptic regrets the faith he has lost the power to regain +Seven who are always the same: the first is called hope +St. Augustine +Ticking of which (our arteries) can be heard only at night +When passion sways man, reason follows him weeping and warning +Wine suffuses the face as if to prevent shame appearing there +You believe in what is said here below and not in what is done +You turn the leaves of dead books +Youth is to judge of the world from first impressions + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Child of a Century, v1 +by Alfred de Musset + + + + + + +CONFESSION OF A CHILD OF THE CENTURY +(Confession d'un Enfant du Siecle) + +By ALFRED DE MUSSET + + + +BOOK 2. + + +PART III + +CHAPTER I + +DEATH, THE INEVITABLE + +My father lived in the country some distance from Paris. When I arrived +I found a physician in the house, who said to me: + +"You are too late; your father expressed a desire to see you before he +died." + +I entered, and saw my father dead. "Sir," I said to the physician, +"please have everyone retire that I may be alone here; my father had +something to say to me, and he will say it." + +In obedience to my order the servants left the room. I approached the +bed and raised the shroud which covered the face. But when my eyes fell +on that countenance, I stooped to kiss it and lost consciousness. + +When I recovered, I heard some one say: + +"If he requests it, you must refuse him on some pretext or other." + +I understood that they wanted to get me away from the bed of death, and +so I feigned that I had heard nothing. When they saw that I was resting +quietly, they left me. I waited until the house was quiet, and then took +a candle and made my way to my father's room. I found there a young +priest seated near the bed. + +"Sir," I said, "to dispute with an orphan the last vigil at a father's +side is a bold enterprise. I do not know what your orders may be. You +may remain in the adjoining room; if anything happens, I alone am +responsible." + +He retired. A single candle on the table shone on the bed. I sat down +in the chair the priest had just left, and again uncovered those features +I was to see for the last time. + +"What do you wish to say to me, father?" I asked. "What was your last +thought concerning your child?" + +My father had a book in which he was accustomed to write from day to day +the record of his life. That book lay on the table, and I saw that it +was open; I kneeled before it; on the page were these words and no more: + +"Adieu, my son, I love you and I die." + +I did not shed a tear, not a sob came from my lips; my throat was swollen +and my mouth sealed; I looked at my father without moving. + +He knew my life, and my irregularities had caused him much sorrow and +anxiety. He did not refer to my future, to my youth and my follies. +His advice had often saved me from some evil course, and had influenced +my entire life, for his life had been one of singular virtue and +kindness. I supposed that before dying he wished to see me to try once +more to turn me from the path of error; but death had come too swiftly; +he felt that he could express all he had to say in one word, and he wrote +in his book that he loved me. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +THE BALM OF SOLITUDE + +A little wooden railing surrounded my father's grave. According to his +expressed wish, he was buried in the village cemetery. Every day I +visited his tomb and passed part of the day on a little bench in the +interior of the vault. The rest of the time I lived alone in the house +in which he died, and kept with me only one servant. + +Whatever sorrows the passions may cause, the woes of life are not to be +compared with those of death. My first thought as I sat beside my +father's bedside was that I was a helpless child, knowing nothing, +understanding nothing; I can not say that my heart felt physical pain, +but I sometimes bent over and wrung my hands, as one who wakens from a +long sleep. + +During the first months of my life in the country I had no thought either +of the past or of the future. It did not seem to be I who had lived up +to that time; what I felt was not despair, and in no way resembled the +terrible griefs I had experienced in the past; there was a sort of +languor in every action, a sense of disgust with life, a poignant +bitterness that was eating out my heart. I held a book in my hand all +day long, but I did not read; I did not even know what I dreamed about. +I had no thoughts; within, all was silence; I had received such a violent +blow, and yet one that was so prolonged in its effects, that I remained a +purely passive being and there seemed to be no reaction. + +My servant, Larive by name, had been much attached to my father; he was, +after my father himself, probably the best man I had ever known. He was +of the same height, and wore the clothes my father had left him, having +no livery. + +He was of about the same age--that is, his hair was turning gray, and +during the twenty years he had lived with my father, he had learned some +of his ways. While I was pacing up and down the room after dinner, +I heard him doing the same in the hall; although the door was open he did +not enter, and not a word was spoken; but from time to time we would look +at each other and weep. The entire evening would pass thus, and it would +be late in the night before I would ask for a light, or get one myself. + +Everything about the house was left unchanged, not a piece of paper was +moved. The great leather armchair in which my father used to sit stood +near the fire; his table and his books were just as he left them; I +respected even the dust on these articles, which in life he never liked +to see disturbed. The walls of that solitary house, accustomed to +silence and a most tranquil life, seemed to look down on me in pity as I +sat in my father's chair, enveloped in his dressing-gown. A feeble voice +seemed to whisper: "Where is the father? It is plain to see that this is +an orphan." + +I received several letters from Paris, and replied to each that I desired +to pass the summer alone in the country, as my father was accustomed to +do. I began to realize that in all evil there is some good, and that +sorrow, whatever else may be said of it, is a means of repose. Whatever +the message brought by those who are sent by God, they always accomplish +the happy result of awakening us from the sleep of the world, and when +they speak, all are silent. Passing sorrows blaspheme and accuse heaven; +great sorrows neither accuse nor blaspheme--they listen. + +In the morning I passed entire hours in the contemplation of nature. +My windows overlooked a valley, in the midst of which arose a village +steeple; all was plain and calm. Spring, with its budding leaves and +flowers, did not produce on me the sinister effect of which the poets +speak, who find in the contrasts of life the mockery of death. I looked +upon the frivolous idea, if it was serious and not a simple antithesis +made in pleasantry, as the conceit of a heart that has known no real +experience. The gambler who leaves the table at break of day, his eyes +burning and hands empty, may feel that he is at war with nature, like the +torch at some hideous vigil; but what can the budding leaves say to a +child who mourns a lost father? The tears of his eyes are sisters of the +rose; the leaves of the willow are themselves tears. It is when I look +at the sky, the woods and the prairies, that I understand men who seek +consolation. + +Larive had no more desire to console me than to console himself. At the +time of my father's death he feared I would sell the property and take +him to Paris. I did not know what he had learned of my past life, but I +had noticed his anxiety, and, when he saw me settle down in the old home, +he gave me a glance that went to my heart. One day I had a large +portrait of my father sent from Paris, and placed it in the dining-room. +When Larive entered the room to serve me, he saw it; he hesitated, looked +at the portrait and then at me; in his eyes there shone a melancholy joy +that I could not fail to understand. It seemed to say: "What happiness! +We are to suffer here in peace!" + +I gave him my hand, which he covered with tears and kisses. + +He looked upon my grief as the mistress of his own. When I visited my +father's tomb in the morning I found him there watering the flowers; when +he saw me he went away and returned home. He followed me in my rambles; +when I was on my horse I did not expect him to follow me, but when I saw +him trudging down the valley, wiping the sweat from his brow, I bought a +small horse from a peasant and gave it to him; thus we rode through the +woods together. + +In the village were some people of our acquaintance who frequently +visited us. My door was closed to them, although I regretted it; but I +could not see any one with patience. Some time, when sure to be free +from interruption, I hoped to examine my father's papers. Finally Larive +brought them to me, and untying the package with trembling hand, spread +them before me. + +Upon reading the first pages I felt in my heart that vivifying freshness +that characterizes the air near a lake of cool water; the sweet serenity +of my father's soul exhaled as a perfume from the dusty leaves I was +unfolding. The journal of his life lay open before me; I could count the +diurnal throbbings of that noble heart. I began to yield to the +influence of a dream that was both sweet and profound, and in spite of +the serious firmness of his character, I discovered an ineffable grace, +the flower of kindness. While I read, the recollection of his death +mingled with the narrative of his life, I can not tell with what sadness +I followed that limpid stream until its waters mingled with those of the +ocean. + +"Oh! just man," I cried, "fearless and stainless! what candor in thy +experience! Thy devotion to thy friends, thy admiration for nature, thy +sublime love of God, this is thy life, there is no place in thy heart for +anything else. The spotless snow on the mountain's summit is not more +pure than thy saintly old age; thy white hair resembles it. Oh! father, +father! Give thy snowy locks to me, they are younger than my blond head. +Let me live and die as thou hast lived and died. I wish to plant in the +soil over your grave the green branch of my young life; I will water it +with my tears, and the God of orphans will protect that sacred twig +nourished by the grief of youth and the memory of age." + +After examining these precious papers, I classified them and arranged +them in order. I formed a resolution to write a journal myself. +I had one made just like that of my father's, and, carefully searching +out the minor details of his life, I tried to conform my life to his. +Thus, whenever I heard the clock strike the hour, tears came to my eyes: +"This," said I, "is what my father did at this hour," and whether it was +reading, walking, or eating, I never failed to follow his example. Thus +I accustomed myself to a calm and regular life; there was an indefinable +charm about this orderly conduct that did me good. I went to bed with a +sense of comfort and happiness such as I had not known for a long time. +My father spent much of his time about the garden; the rest of the day +was devoted to walking and study, a nice adjustment of bodily and mental +exercise. + +At the same time I followed his example in doing little acts of +benevolence among the unfortunate. I began to search for those who +were in need of my assistance, and there were many of them in the valley. +I soon became known among the poor; my message to them was: "When the +heart is good, sorrow is sacred!" For the first time in my life I was +happy; God blessed my tears and sorrow taught me virtue. + + + + +CHAPTER III + +BRIGITTE + +One evening, as I was walking under a row of lindens at the entrance to +the village, I saw a young woman come from a house some distance from the +road. She was dressed simply and veiled so that I could not see her +face; but her form and her carriage seemed so charming that I followed +her with my eyes for some time. As she was crossing a field, a white +goat, straying at liberty through the grass, ran to her side; she +caressed it softly, and looked about as if searching for some favorite +plants to feed to it. I saw near me some wild mulberry; I plucked a +branch and stepped up to her holding it in my hand. The goat watched my +approach with apprehension; he was afraid to take the branch from my +hand. His mistress made him a sign as if to encourage him, but he looked +at her with an air of anxiety; she then took the branch from my hand, and +the goat promptly accepted it from hers. I bowed, and she passed on her +way. + +On my return home I asked Larive if he knew who lived in the house I +described to him; it was a small house, modest in appearance, with a +garden. He recognized it; there were but two people in the house, an +old woman who was very religious, and a young woman whose name was Madame +Pierson. It was she I had seen. I asked him who she was, and if she +ever came to see my father. He replied that she was a widow, that she +led a retired life, and that she had visited my father, but rarely. +When I had learned all he knew, I returned to the lindens and sat down +on a bench. + +I do not know what feeling of sadness came over me as I saw the goat +approaching me. I arose from my seat, and, for distraction, I followed +the path I had seen Madame Pierson take, a path that led to the +mountains. + +It was nearly eleven in the evening before I thought of returning; +as I had walked some distance, I directed my steps toward a farmhouse, +intending to ask for some milk and bread. Drops of rain began to splash +at my feet, announcing a thunder-shower which I was anxious to escape. +Although there was a light in the place, and I could hear the sound of +feet going and coming through the house, no one responded to my knock, +and I walked around to one of the windows to ascertain if there was any +one within. + +I saw a bright fire burning in the lower hall; the farmer, whom I knew, +was sitting near his bed; I knocked on the window-pane and called to him. +Just then the door opened, and I was surprised to see Madame Pierson, who +inquired who was there. + +I waited a moment in order to conceal my astonishment. I then entered +the house, and asked permission to remain until the storm should pass. +I could not imagine what she was doing at such an hour in this deserted +spot; suddenly I heard a plaintive voice from the bed, and turning my +head I saw the farmer's wife lying there with the seal of death on her +face. + +Madame Pierson, who had followed me, sat down before the old man who was +bowed with sorrow; she made me a sign to make no noise as the sick woman +was sleeping. I took a chair and sat in a corner until the storm passed. + +While I sat there I saw her rise from time to time and whisper something +to the farmer. One of the children, whom I took upon my knee, said that +she had been coming every night since the mother's illness. She +performed the duties of a sister of charity; there was no one else in the +country who could do it; there was but one physician, and he was densely +ignorant. + +"That is Brigitte la Rose," said the child; "don't you know her?" + +"No," I replied in a low voice. "Why do you call her by such a name?" + +He replied that he did not know, unless it was because she had been rosy +and the name had clung to her. + +As Madame Pierson had laid aside her veil I could see her face; when the +child left me I raised my head. She was standing near the bed, holding +in her hand a cup, which she was offering the sick woman who had +awakened. She appeared to be pale and thin; her hair was ashen blond. +Her beauty was not of the regular type. How shall I express it? Her +large dark eyes were fixed on those of her patient, and those eyes that +shone with approaching death returned her gaze. There was in that simple +exchange of kindness and gratitude a beauty that can not be described. + +The rain was falling in torrents; a heavy darkness settled over the +lonely mountain-side, pierced by occasional flashes of lightning. The +noise of the storm, the roaring of the wind, the wrath of the unchained +elements made a deep contrast with the religious calm which prevailed in +the little cottage. I looked at the wretched bed, at the broken windows, +the puffs of smoke forced from the fire by the tempest; I observed the +helpless despair of the farmer, the superstitious terror of the children, +the fury of the elements besieging the bed of death; and in the midst of +all, seeing that gentle, pale-faced woman going and coming, bravely +meeting the duties of the moment, regardless of the tempest and of our +presence, it seemed to me there was in that calm performance something +more serene than the most cloudless sky, something, indeed, superhuman +about this woman who, surrounded by such horrors, did not for an instant +lose her faith in God. + +What kind of woman is this, I wondered; whence comes she, and how long +has she been here? A long time, since they remember when her cheeks were +rosy. How is it I have never heard of her? She comes to this spot alone +and at this hour? Yes. She has traversed these mountains and valleys +through storm and fair weather, she goes hither and thither bearing life +and hope wherever they fail, holding in her hand that fragile cup, +caressing her goat as she passes. And this is what has been going on in +this valley while I have been dining and gambling; she was probably born +here, and will be buried in a corner of the cemetery, by the side of her +father. Thus will that obscure woman die, a woman of whom no one speaks +and of whom the children say: "Don't you know her?" + +I can not express what I experienced; I sat quietly in my corner scarcely +breathing, and it seemed to me that if I had tried to assist her, if I +had reached out my hand to spare her a single step, I should have been +guilty of sacrilege, I should have touched sacred vessels. + +The storm lasted two hours. When it subsided the sick woman sat up in +her bed and said that she felt better, that the medicine she had taken +had done her good. The children ran to the bedside, looking up into +their mother's face with great eyes that expressed both surprise and joy. + +"I am very sure you are better," said the husband, who had not stirred +from his seat, "for we have had a mass celebrated, and it cost us a large +sum." + +At that coarse and stupid expression I glanced at Madame Pierson; her +swollen eyes, her pallor, her attitude, all clearly expressed fatigue and +the exhaustion of long vigils. + +"Ah! my poor man!" said the farmer's wife, "may God reward you!" + +I could hardly contain myself, I was so angered by the stupidity of these +brutes who were capable of crediting the work of charity to the avarice +of a cure. + +I was about to reproach them for their ingratitude and treat them as they +deserved, when Madame Pierson took one of the children in her arms and +said, with a smile: + +"You may kiss your mother, for she is saved." + +I stopped when I heard these words. + +Never was the simple contentment of a happy and benevolent heart painted +in such beauty on so sweet a face. Fatigue and pallor seemed to vanish, +she became radiant with joy. + +A few minutes later Madame Pierson told the children to call the farmer's +boy to conduct her home. I advanced to offer my services; I told her +that it was useless to awaken the boy as I was going in the same +direction, and that she would do me an honor by accepting my offer. She +asked me if I was not Octave de T--------. + +I replied that I was, and that she doubtless remembered my father. +It struck me as strange that she should smile at that question; +she cheerfully accepted my arm and we set out on our return. + +We walked along in silence; the wind was going down; the trees quivered +gently, shaking the rain from the boughs. Some distant flashes of +lightning could still be seen; the perfume of humid verdure filled the +warm air. The sky soon cleared and the moon illumined the mountain. + +I could not help thinking of the whimsicalness of chance, which had seen +fit to make me the solitary companion of a woman of whose existence I +knew nothing a few hours before. She had accepted me as her escort on +account of the name I bore, and leaned on my arm with quiet confidence. +In spite of her distraught air it seemed to me that this confidence was +either very bold or very simple; and she must needs be either the one or +the other, for at each step I felt my heart becoming at once proud and +innocent. + +We spoke of the sick woman she had just quitted, of the scenes along the +route; it did not occur to us to ask the questions incident to a new +acquaintance. She spoke to me of my father, and always in the same tone +I had noted when I first revealed my name--that is, cheerfully, almost +gayly. By degrees I thought I understood why she did this, observing +that she spoke thus of all, both living and dead, of life and of +suffering and death. It was because human sorrows had taught her nothing +that could accuse God, and I felt the piety of her smile. + +I told her of the solitary life I was leading. Her aunt, she said, +had seen more of my father than she, as they had sometimes played cards +together after dinner. She urged me to visit them, assuring me a +welcome. + +When about half way home she complained of fatigue and sat down to rest +on a bench that the heavy foliage had protected from the rain. I stood +before her and watched the pale light of the moon playing on her face. +After a moment's silence she arose and, in a constrained manner, +observed: + +"Of what are you thinking? It is time for us to think of returning." + +"I was wondering," I replied, "why God created you, and I was saying to +myself that it was for the sake of those who suffer." + +"That is an expression that, coming from you, I can not look upon except +as a compliment." + +"Why?" I asked. + +"Because you appear to be very young." + +"It sometimes happens," I said, "that one is older than the face would +seem to indicate." + +"Yes," she replied, smiling, "and it sometimes happens that one is +younger than his words would seem to indicate." + +"Have you no faith in experience?" + +"I know that it is the name most young men give to their follies and +their disappointments; what can one know at your age?" + +"Madame, a man of twenty may know more than a woman of thirty. The +liberty which men enjoy enables them to see more of life and its +experiences than women; they go wherever they please, and no barrier +restrains them; they test life in all its phases. When inspired by hope, +they press forward to achievement; what they will they accomplish. When +they have reached the end, they return; hope has been lost on the route, +and happiness has broken its word." + +As I was speaking we reached the summit of a little hill which sloped +down to the valley; Madame Pierson, yielding to the downward tendency, +began to trip lightly down the incline. Without knowing why, I did the +same, and we ran down the hill, arm in arm, the long grass under our feet +retarded our progress. Finally, like two birds, spent with flight, we +reached the foot of the mountain. + +"Behold!" cried Madame Pierson, "just a short time ago I was tired, but +now I am rested. And, believe me," she added, with a charming smile, +"you should treat your experience as I have treated my fatigue. We have +made good time, and shall enjoy supper the more on that account." + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +RIPENING ACQUAINTANCE + +I went to see her in the morning. I found her at the piano, her old aunt +at the window sewing, the little room filled with flowers, the sunlight +streaming through the blinds, a large bird-cage at her side. + +I expected to find her something of a religieuse, at least one of those +women of the provinces who know nothing of what happens two leagues away, +and who live in a certain narrow circle from which they never escape. +I confess that such isolated life, which is found here and there in small +towns, under a thousand unknown roofs, had always had on me the effect of +stagnant pools of water; the air does not seem respirable: in everything +on earth that is forgotten, there is something of death. + +On Madame Pierson's table were some papers and new books; they appeared +as if they had not been more than touched. In spite of the simplicity of +everything around her, of furniture and dress, it was easy to recognize +mode, that is to say, life; she did not live for this alone, but that +goes without saying. What struck me in her taste was that there was +nothing bizarre, everything breathed of youth and pleasantness. + +Her conversation indicated a finished education; there was no subject on +which she could not speak well and with ease. While admitting that she +was naive, it was evident that she was at the same time profound in +thought and fertile in resource; an intelligence at once broad and free +soared gently over a simple heart and over the habits of a retired life. +The sea-swallow, whirling through the azure heavens, soars thus over the +blade of grass that marks its nest. + +We talked of literature, music, and even politics. She had visited Paris +during the winter; from time to time she dipped into the world; what she +saw there served as a basis for what she divined. + +But her distinguishing trait was gayety, a cheerfulness that, while not +exactly joy itself, was constant and unalterable; it might be said that +she was born a flower, and that her perfume was gayety. + +Her pallor, her large dark eyes, her manner at certain moments, all led +me to believe that she had suffered. I know not what it was that seemed +to say that the sweet serenity of her brow was not of this world but had +come from God, and that she would return it to Him spotless in spite of +man; and there were times when she reminded one of the careful housewife, +who, when the wind blows, holds her hand before the candle. + +After I had been in the house half an hour I could not help saying what +was in my heart. I thought of my past life, of my disappointment and my +ennui; I walked to and fro, breathing the fragrance of the flowers and +looking at the sun. I asked her to sing, and she did so with good grace. +In the mean time I leaned on the window-sill and watched the birds +flitting about the garden. A saying of Montaigne's came into my head: "I +neither love nor esteem sadness, although the world has invested it, at a +given price, with the honor of its particular favor. They dress up in it +wisdom, virtue, conscience. Stupid and absurd adornment." + +"What happiness!" I cried, in spite of myself. "What repose! What joy! +What forgetfulness of self!" + +The good aunt raised her head and looked at me with an air of +astonishment; Madame Pierson stopped short. I became red as fire when +conscious of my folly, and sat down without a word. + +We went out into the garden. The white goat I had seen the evening +before was lying in the grass; it came up to her and followed us about +the garden. + +When we reached the end of the garden walk, a large young man with a pale +face, clad in a kind of black cassock, suddenly appeared at the railing. +He entered without knocking and bowed to Madame Pierson; it seemed to me +that his face, which I considered a bad omen, darkened a little when he +saw me. He was a priest I had often seen in the village, and his name +was Mercanson; he came from St. Sulpice and was related to the cure of +the parish. + +He was large and at the same time pale, a thing which always displeases +me and which is, in fact, unpleasant; it impresses me as a sort of +diseased healthfulness. Moreover, he had the slow yet jerky way of +speaking that characterizes the pedant. Even his manner of walking, +which was not that of youth and health, repelled me; as for his glance, +it might be said that he had none. I do not know what to think of a man +whose eyes have nothing to say. These are the signs which led me to an +unfavorable opinion of Mercanson, an opinion which was unfortunately +correct. + +He sat down on a bench and began to talk about Paris, which he called the +modern Babylon. He had been there, he knew every one; he knew Madame de +B------, who was an angel; he had preached sermons in her salon and was +listened to on bended knee. (The worst of this was that it was true.) +One of his friends, who had introduced him there, had been expelled from +school for having seduced a girl; a terrible thing to do, very sad. +He paid Madame Pierson a thousand compliments for her charitable deeds +throughout the country; he had heard of her benefactions, her care for +the sick, her vigils at the bed of suffering and of death. It was very +beautiful and noble; he would not fail to speak of it at St. Sulpice. +Did he not seem to say that he would not fail to speak of it to God? + +Wearied by this harangue, in order to conceal my rising disgust, I sat +down on the grass and began to play with the goat. Mercanson turned on +me his dull and lifeless eye: + +"The celebrated Vergniaud," said he, "was afflicted with the habit of +sitting on the ground and playing with animals." + +"It is a habit that is innocent enough," I replied. "If there were none +worse the world would get along very well, without so much meddling on +the part of others." + +My reply did not please him; he frowned and changed the subject. He was +charged with a commission; his uncle the cure had spoken to him of a poor +devil who was unable to earn his daily bread. He lived in such and such +a place; he had been there himself and was interested in him; he hoped +that Madame Pierson-- + +I was looking at her while he was speaking, wondering what reply she +would make and hoping she would say something in order to efface the +memory of the priest's voice with her gentle tones. She merely bowed and +he retired. + +When he had gone our gayety returned. We entered a greenhouse in the +rear of the garden. + +Madame Pierson treated her flowers as she did her birds and her peasants: +everything about her must be well cared for, each flower must have its +drop of water and ray of sunlight in order that it might be gay and happy +as an angel; so nothing could be in better condition than her little +greenhouse. When we had made the round of the building, she said: + +"This is my little world; you have seen all I possess, and my domain ends +here." + +"Madame," I said, "as my father's name has secured for me the favor of +admittance here, permit me to return, and I will believe that happiness +has not entirely forgotten me." + +She extended her hand and I touched it with respect, not daring to raise +it to my lips. + +I returned home, closed my door and retired. There danced before my eyes +a little white house; I saw myself walking through the village and +knocking at the garden gate. "Oh, my poor heart!" I cried. "God be +praised, you are still young, you are still capable of life and of love!" + +One evening I was with Madame Pierson. More than three months had +passed, during which I had seen her almost every day; and what can I say +of that time except that I saw her? "To be with those we love," said +Bruyere, "suffices; to dream, to talk to them, not to talk to them, to +think of them, to think of the most indifferent things, but to be near +them, that is all." + +I loved. During the three months we had taken many long walks; I was +initiated into the mysteries of her modest charities; we passed through +dark streets, she on her pony, I on foot, a small stick in my hand; thus +half conversing, half dreaming, we went from cottage to cottage. There +was a little bench near the edge of the wood where I was accustomed to +rest after dinner; we met here regularly, as though by chance. In the +morning, music, reading; in the evening, cards with the aunt as in the +days of my father; and she always there, smiling, her presence filling my +heart. By what road, O Providence! have you led me? What irrevocable +destiny am I to accomplish? What! a life so free, an intimacy so +charming, so much repose, such buoyant hope! O God! Of what do men +complain? What is there sweeter than love? + +To live, yes, to feel intensely, profoundly, that one exists, that one is +a sentient man, created by God, that is the first, the greatest gift of +love. We can not deny, however, that love is a mystery, inexplicable, +profound. With all the chains, with all the pains, and I may even say, +with all the disgust with which the world has surrounded it, buried as it +is under a mountain of prejudices which distort and deprave it, in spite +of all the ordure through which it has been dragged, love, eternal and +fatal love, is none the less a celestial law as powerful and as +incomprehensible as that which suspends the sun in the heavens. + +What is this mysterious bond, stronger and more durable than iron, that +can neither be seen nor touched? What is there in meeting a woman, in +looking at her, in speaking one word to her, and then never forgetting +her? Why this one rather than that one? Invoke the aid of reason, of +habit, of the senses, the head, the heart, and explain it if you can. +You will find nothing but two bodies, one here, the other there, and +between them, what? Air, space, immensity. O blind fools! who fondly +imagine yourselves men, and who reason of love! Have you talked with it? +No, you have felt it. You have exchanged a glance with a passing +stranger, and suddenly there flies out from you something that can not be +defined, that has no name known to man. You have taken root in the +ground like the seed concealed in the turf which feels the life within +it, and which is on its way to maturity. + +We were alone, the window was open, the murmur of a little fountain came +to us from the garden. O God! would that I could count, drop by drop, +all the water that fell while we were sitting there, while she was +talking and I was answering. It was there that I became intoxicated with +her to the point of madness. + +It is said that there is nothing so rapid as a feeling of antipathy, but +I believe that the road to love is more swiftly traversed. How priceless +the slightest words! What signifies the conversation, when you listen +for the heart to answer? What sweetness in the glance of a woman who +begins to attract you! At first it seems as though everything that +passes between you is timid and tentative, but soon there is born a +strange joy, an echo answers you; you know a dual life. What a touch! +What a strange attraction! And when love is sure of itself and knows +response in the object beloved, what serenity in the soul! Words die on +the lips, for each one knows what the other is about to say before +utterance has shaped the thought. Souls expand, lips are silent. Oh! +what silence! What forgetfulness of all! + +Although my love began the first day and had since grown to ardor, the +respect I felt for Madame Pierson sealed my lips. If she had been less +frank in permitting me to become her friend, perhaps I should have been +more bold, for she had made such a strong impression on me, that I never +quitted her without transports of love. But there was something in the +frankness and the confidence she placed in me that checked me; moreover, +it was in my father's name that I had been treated as a friend. That +consideration rendered me still more respectful, and I resolved to prove +worthy of that name. + +To talk of love, they say, is to make love. We rarely spoke of it. +Every time I happened to touch the subject Madame Pierson led the +conversation to some other topic. I did not discern her motive, but it +was not prudery; it seemed to me that at such times her face took on +a stern aspect, and a wave of feeling, even of suffering, passed over it. +As I had never questioned her about her past life and was unwilling to do +so, I respected her obvious wishes. + +Sunday there was dancing in the village; she was almost always there. +On those occasions her toilet, although quite simple, was more elegant +than usual; there was a flower in her hair, a bright ribbon, or some such +bagatelle; but there was something youthful and fresh about her. The +dance, which she loved for itself as an amusing exercise, seemed to +inspire her with a frolicsome gayety. Once launched on the floor it +seemed to me she allowed herself more liberty than usual, that there was +an unusual familiarity. I did not dance, being still in mourning, but I +managed to keep near her, and seeing her in such good humor, I was often +tempted to confess my love. + +But for some strange reason, whenever I thought of it, I was seized with +an irresistible feeling of fear; the idea of an avowal was enough to +render me serious in the midst of gayety. I conceived the idea of +writing to her, but burned the letters before they were half finished. + +That evening I dined with her, and looked about me at the many evidences +of a tranquil life; I thought of the quiet life that I was leading, of my +happiness since I had known her, and said to myself: "Why ask for more? +Does not this suffice? Who knows, perhaps God has nothing more for you? +If I should tell her that I love her, what would happen? Perhaps she +would forbid me the pleasure of seeing her. Would I, in speaking the +words, make her happier than she is to-day? Would I be happier myself?" + +I was leaning on the piano, and as I indulged in these reflections +sadness took possession of me. Night was coming on and she lighted a +candle; while returning to her seat she noticed a tear in my eye. + +"What is the matter?" she asked. + +I turned aside my head. + +I sought an excuse, but could find none; I was afraid to meet her glance. +I arose and stepped to the window. The air was balmy, the moon was +rising beyond those lindens where I had first met her. I fell into a +profound revery; I even forgot that she was present and, extending my +arms toward heaven, a sob welled up from my heart. + +She arose and stood behind me. + +"What is it?" she again asked. + +I replied that the sight of that valley stretching out beneath us had +recalled my father's death; I took leave of her and went out. + +Why I decided to silence my love I can not say. Nevertheless, instead of +returning home, I began to wander about the woods like a fool. Whenever +I found a bench I sat down only to rise precipitately. Toward midnight I +approached Madame Pierson's house; she was at the window. Seeing her +there I began to tremble and tried to retrace my steps, but I was +fascinated; I advanced gently and sadly and sat down beneath her window. + +I do not know whether she recognized me; I had been there some time when +I heard her sweet, fresh voice singing the refrain of a romance, and at +the same instant a flower fell on my shoulder. It was a rose she had +worn that evening on her bosom; I picked it up and pressed it to my lips. + +"Who is there at this hour? Is it you?" + +She called me by name. The gate leading into the garden was open; I +arose without replying and entered it, I stopped before a plot of grass +in the centre of the garden; I was walking like a somnambulist, without +knowing what I was doing. + +Suddenly I saw her at the door opening into the garden; she seemed to be +undecided and looked attentively at the rays of the moon. She made a few +steps toward me and I advanced to meet her. I could not speak, I fell on +my knees before her and seized her hand. + +"Listen to me," she said; "I know all; but if it has come to that, +Octave, you must go away. You come here every day and you are always +welcome, are you not? Is not that enough.? What more can I do for you? +My friendship you have won; I wish you had been able to keep yours a +little longer." + +When Madame Pierson had spoken these words she waited in silence as +though expecting a reply. As I remained overwhelmed with sadness, she +gently withdrew her hand, stepped back, waited a moment longer and then +reentered the house. + +I remained kneeling on the grass. I had been expecting what she said; +my resolution was soon taken, and I decided to go away. I arose, my +heart bleeding but firm. I looked at the house, at her window; I opened +the garden-gate and placed my lips on the lock as I passed out. + +When I reached home I told Larive to make what preparations were +necessary, as I would set out in the morning. The poor fellow was +astonished, but I made him a sign to obey and ask no questions. He +brought a large trunk and busied himself with preparations for departure. + +It was five o'clock in the morning and day was be ginning to break when I +asked myself where I was going. At that thought, which had not occurred +to me before, I experienced a profound feeling of discouragement. I cast +my eyes over the country, scanning the horizon. A sense of weakness took +possession of me; I was exhausted with fatigue. I sat down in a chair +and my ideas became confused; I bore my hand to my forehead and found it +bathed in sweat. A violent fever made my limbs tremble; I could hardly +reach my, bed with Larive's assistance. My thoughts were so confused +that I had no recollection of what had happened. The day passed; toward +evening I heard the sound of instruments. It was the Sunday dance, and I +asked Larive to go and see if Madame Pierson was there. He did not find +her; I sent him to her house. The blinds were closed, and a servant +informed him that Madame Pierson and her aunt had gone to spend some days +with a relative who lived at N------, a small town some distance north. +He handed me a letter that had been given him. It was couched in the +following terms: + + "I have known you three months, and for one month have noticed that + you feel for me what at your age is called love. I thought I + detected on your part a resolution to conceal this from me and + conquer yourself. I already esteemed you, this enhanced my respect. + I do not reproach you for the past, nor for the weakness of your + will. + + "What you take for love is nothing more than desire. I am well + aware that many women seek to arouse it; it would be better if they + did not feel the necessity of pleasing those who approach them. + Such a feeling is a dangerous thing, and I have done wrong in + entertaining it with you. + + "I am some years older than you, and ask you not to try to see me + again. It would be vain for you to try to forget the weakness of a + moment; what has passed between us can neither be repeated nor + forgotten. + + "I do not take leave of you without sorrow; I expect to be absent + some time; if, when I return, I find that you have gone away, I + shall appreciate your action as the final evidence of your + friendship and esteem. + "BRIGITTE PIERSON." + + + + +CHAPTER V + +AN INTERVIEW + +The fever kept me in bed a week. When I was able to write I assured +Madame Pierson that she should be obeyed, and that I would go away. +I wrote in good faith, without any intention to deceive, but I was very +far from keeping my promise. Before I had gone ten leagues I ordered the +driver to stop, and stepped out of the carriage. I began to walk along +the road. I could not resist the temptation to look back at the village +which was still visible in the distance. Finally, after a period of +frightful irresolution, I felt that it was impossible for me to continue +on my route, and rather than get into the carriage again, I would have +died on the spot. I told the driver to turn around, and, instead of +going to Paris as I had intended, I made straight for N------, whither +Madame Pierson had gone. + +I arrived at ten in the night. As soon as I reached the inn I had a boy +direct me to the house of her relatives, and, without reflecting what I +was doing, at once made my way to the spot. A servant opened the door. +I asked if Madame Pierson was there, and directed him to tell her that +some one wished to speak to her on the part of M. Desprez. That was the +name of our village cure. + +While the servant was executing my order I remained alone in a sombre +little court; as it was raining, I entered the hall and stood at the foot +of the stairway, which was not lighted. Madame Pierson soon arrived, +preceding the servant; she descended rapidly, and did not see me in the +darkness; I stepped up to her and touched her arm. She recoiled with +terror and cried out: + +"What do you wish of me?" + +Her voice trembled so painfully and, when the servant appeared with a +light, her face was so pale, that I did not know what to think. Was it +possible that my unexpected appearance could disturb her in such a +manner? That reflection occurred to me, but I decided that it was merely +a feeling of fright natural to a woman who is suddenly touched. + +Nevertheless, she repeated her question in a firmer tone. + +"You must permit me to see you once more," I replied. "I will go away, +I will leave the country. You shall be obeyed, I swear it, and that +beyond your real desire, for I will sell my father's house and go abroad; +but that is only on condition that I am permitted to see you once more; +otherwise I remain; you need fear nothing from me, but I am resolved on +that." + +She frowned and cast her eyes about her in a strange manner; then she +replied, almost graciously: + +"Come to-morrow during the day and I will see you." Then she left me. + +The next day at noon I presented myself. I was introduced into a room +with old hangings and antique furniture. I found her alone, seated on a +sofa. I sat down before her. + +"Madame," I began, "I come neither to speak of what I suffer, nor to deny +that I love you. You have written me that what has passed between us can +not be forgotten, and that is true; but you say that on that account we +can not meet on the same footing as heretofore, and you are mistaken. +I love you, but I have not offended you; nothing is changed in our +relations since you do not love me. If I am permitted to see you, +responsibility rests with me, and as far as your responsibility is +concerned, my love for you should be sufficient guarantee." + +She tried to interrupt me. + +"Kindly allow me to finish what I have to say. No one knows better than +I that in spite of the respect I feel for you, and in spite of all the +protestations by which I might bind myself, love is the stronger. +I repeat I do not intend to deny what is in my heart; but you do not +learn of that love to-day for the first time, and I ask you what has +prevented me from declaring it up to the present time? The fear of +losing you; I was afraid I would not be permitted to see you, and that is +what has happened. Make a condition that the first word I shall speak, +the first thought or gesture that shall seem to be inconsistent with the +most profound respect, shall be the signal for the closing of your door; +as I have been silent in the past, I will be silent in the future, You +think that I have loved you for a month, when in fact I have loved you +from the first day I met you. When you discovered it, you did not refuse +to see me on that account. If you had at that time enough esteem for me +to believe me incapable of offending you, why have you lost that esteem? + +"That is what I have come to ask you. What have I done? I have bent my +knee, but I have not said a word. What have I told you? What you +already knew. I have been weak because I have suffered. It is true, +Madame, that I am twenty years of age and what I have seen of life has +only disgusted me (I could use a stronger word); it is true that there is +not at this hour on earth, either in the society of men or in solitude, +a place, however small and insignificant, that I care to occupy. + +"The space enclosed within the four walls of your garden is the only spot +in the world where I live; you are the only human being who has made me +love God. I had renounced everything before I knew you; why deprive me +of the only ray of light that Providence has spared me? If it is on +account of fear, what have I done to inspire it? If it is on account of +dislike, in what respect am I culpable? If it is on account of pity and +because I suffer, you are mistaken in supposing that I can cure myself; +it might have been done, perhaps, two months ago; but I preferred to see +you and to suffer, and I do not repent, whatever may come of it. The +only misfortune that can reach me is to lose you. Put me to the proof. +If I ever feel that there is too much suffering for me in our bargain I +will go away; and you may be sure of it, since you send me away to-day, +and I am ready to go. What risk do you run in giving me a month or two +of the only happiness I shall ever know?" + +I waited her reply. She suddenly rose from her seat, and then sat down +again. Then a moment of silence ensued. + +"Rest assured," she said, "it is not so." + +I thought she was searching for words that would not appear too severe, +and that she was anxious to avoid hurting me. + +"One word," I said, rising, "one word, nothing more. I know who you are +and if there is any compassion for me in your heart, I thank you; speak +but one word, this moment decides my life." + +She shook her head; I saw that she was hesitating. + +"You think I can be cured?" I cried. "May God grant you that solace if +you send me away--" + +I looked out of the window at the horizon, and felt in my soul such a +frightful sensation of loneliness at the idea of going away that my blood +froze in my veins. She saw me standing before her, my eyes fixed on her, +awaiting her reply; all my life was hanging in suspense upon her lips. + +"Very well," she said, "listen to me. This move of yours in coming to +see me was an act of great imprudence; however, it is not necessary to +assume that you have come here to see me; accept a commission that I will +give you for a friend of my family. If you find that it is a little far, +let it be the occasion of an absence which shall last as long as you +choose, but which must not be too short. Although you said a moment +ago," she added with a smile, "that a short trip would calm you. You +will stop in the Vosges and you will go as far as Strasburg. Then in a +month, or, better, in two months, you will return and report to me; I +will see you again and give you further instructions." + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +THE RUGGED PATH OF LOVE + +That evening I received from Madame Pierson a letter addressed to M. R. +D., at Strasburg. Three weeks later my mission had been accomplished and +I returned. During my absence I had thought of nothing but her, and I +despaired of ever forgetting her. Nevertheless I determined to restrain +my feelings in her presence; I had suffered too cruelly at the prospect +of losing her to run any further risks. My esteem for her rendered it +impossible for me to suspect her sincerity, and I did not see, in her +plan of getting me to leave the country, anything that resembled +hypocrisy. In a word, I was firmly convinced that at the first word of +love her door would be closed to me. Upon my return I found her thin and +changed. Her habitual smile seemed to languish on her discolored lips. +She told me that she had been suffering. We did not speak of the past. +She did not appear to wish to recall it, and I had no desire to refer to +it. We resumed our old relations of neighbors; yet there was something +of constraint between us, a sort of conventional familiarity. It was as +if we had agreed: "It was thus before, let it still be thus." She +granted me her confidence, a concession that was not without its charms +for me; but our conversation was colder, for the reason that our eyes +expressed as much as our tongues. In all that we said there was more to +be surmised than was actually spoken. We no longer endeavored to fathom +each other's minds; there was not the same interest attaching to each +word, to each sentiment; that curious analysis that characterized our +past intercourse; she treated me with kindness, but I distrusted even +that kindness; I walked with her in the garden, but no longer accompanied +her outside of the premises; we no longer wandered through the woods and +valleys; she opened the piano when we were alone; the sound of her voice +no longer awakened in my heart those transports of joy which are like +sobs that are inspired by hope. When I took leave of her, she gave me +her hand, but I was conscious of the fact that it was lifeless; there was +much effort in our familiar ease, many reflections in our lightest +remarks, much sadness at the bottom of it all. We felt that there was a +third party between us: it was my love for her. My actions never +betrayed it, but it appeared in my face. I lost my cheerfulness, my +energy, and the color of health that once shone in my cheeks. At the end +of one month I no longer resembled my old self. And yet in all our +conversations I insisted on my disgust with the world, on my aversion to +returning to it. I tried to make Madame Pierson feel that she had no +reason to reproach herself for allowing me to see her; I depicted my past +life in the most sombre colors, and gave her to understand that if she +should refuse to allow me to see her, she would condemn me to a +loneliness worse than death. I told her that I held society in +abhorrence and the story of my life, as I recited it, proved my +sincerity. So I affected a cheerfulness that I was far from feeling, +in order to show her that in permitting me to see her, she had saved me +from the most frightful misfortune; I thanked her almost every time I +went to see her, that I might return in the evening or the following +morning. "All my dreams of happiness," said I, "all my hopes, all my +ambitions, are enclosed in the little corner of the earth where you +dwell; outside of the air that you breathe there is no life for me." + +She saw that I was suffering and could not help pitying me. My courage +was pathetic, and her every word and gesture shed a sort of tender light +over my devotion. She saw the struggle that was going on in me; my +obedience flattered her pride, while my pallor awakened her charitable +instinct. At times she appeared to be irritated, almost coquettish; +she would say in a tone that was almost rebellious: "I shall not be here +to-morrow, do not come on such and such a day." Then, as I was going +away sad, but resigned, she sweetened the cup of bitterness by adding: " +I am not sure of it, come whenever you please;" or her adieu was more +friendly than usual, her glance more tender. + +"Rest assured that Providence has led me to you," I said. "If I had not +met you, I might have relapsed into the irregular life I was leading +before I knew you. + +"God has sent you as an angel of light to draw me from the abyss. He has +confided a sacred mission to you; who knows, if I should lose you, +whither the sorrow that consumes me might lead me, because of the sad +experience I have been through, the terrible combat between my youth and +my ennui?" + +That thought, sincere enough on my part, had great weight with a woman of +lofty devotion whose soul was as pious as it was ardent. It was probably +the only consideration that induced Madame Pierson to permit me to see +her. + +I was preparing to visit her one day when some one knocked at my door, +and I saw Mercanson enter, that priest I had met in the garden on the +occasion of my first visit. He began to make excuses that were as +tiresome as himself for presuming to call on me without having made my +acquaintance; I told him that I knew him very well as the nephew of our +cure, and asked what I could do for him. + +He turned uneasily from one side to the other with an air of constraint, +searching for phrases and fingering everything on the table before him as +if at a loss what to say. Finally he informed me that Madame Pierson was +ill and that she had sent word to me by him that she would not be able to +see me that day. + +"Is she ill? Why, I left her late yesterday afternoon, and she was very +well at that time!" + +He bowed. + +"But," I continued, "if she is ill why send word to me by a third person? +She does not live so far away that a useless call would harm me." + +The same response from Mercanson. I could not understand what this +peculiar manner signified, much less why she had entrusted her mission to +him. + +"Very well," I said, "I shall see her to-morrow and she will explain what +this means." + +His hesitation continued. + +"Madame Pierson has also told me--that I should inform you--in fact, I am +requested to--" + +"Well, what is it?" I cried, impatiently. + +"Sir, you are becoming violent! I think Madame Pierson is seriously ill; +she will not be able to see you this week." + +Another bow, and he retired. + +It was clear that his visit concealed some mystery: either Madame Pierson +did not wish to see me, and I could not explain why; or Mercanson had +interfered on his own responsibility. + +I waited until the following day and then presented myself at her door; +the servant who met me said that her mistress was indeed very ill and +could not see me; she refused to accept the money I offered her, and +would not answer my questions. + +As I was passing through the village on my return, I saw Mercanson; +he was surrounded by a number of schoolchildren, his uncle's pupils. +I stopped him in the midst of his harangue and asked if I could have a +word with him. + +He followed me aside; but now it was my turn to hesitate, for I was at a +loss how to proceed to draw his secret from him. + +"Sir," I finally said, "will you kindly inform me if what you told me +yesterday was the truth, or was there some motive behind it? Moreover, +as there is not a physician in the neighborhood who can be called in, +in case of necessity, it is important that I should know whether her +condition is serious." + +He protested that Madame Pierson was ill, but that he knew nothing more, +except that she had sent for him and asked him to notify me as he had +done. While talking we had walked down the road some distance and had +now reached a deserted spot. Seeing that neither strategy nor entreaty +would serve my purpose, I suddenly turned and seized him by the arms. + +"What does this mean, Monsieur? You intend to resort to violence?" he +cried. + +"No, but I intend to make you tell me what you know." + +"Monsieur, I am afraid of no one, and I have told you what you ought to +know." + +"You have told me what you think I ought to know, but not what you know. +Madame Pierson is not sick; I am sure of it." + +"How do you know?" + +"The servant told me so. Why has she closed her door against me, and why +did she send you to tell me of it?" + +Mercanson saw a peasant passing. + +"Pierre!" he cried, calling him by name, "wait a moment, I wish to speak +with you." + +The peasant approached; that was all he wanted, thinking I would not dare +use violence in the presence of a third person. I released him, but so +roughly that he staggered back and fell against a tree. He clenched his +fist and turned away without a word. + +For three weeks I suffered terribly. Three times a day I called at +Madame Pierson's and each time was refused admittance. I received one +letter from her; she said that my assiduity was causing talk in the +village, and begged me to call less frequently. Not a word about +Mercanson or her illness. + +This precaution on her part was so unnatural, and contrasted so strongly +with her former proud indifference in matters of this kind, that at first +I could hardly believe it. Not knowing what else to say, I replied that +there was no desire in my heart but obedience to her wishes. But in +spite of me, the words I used did not conceal the bitterness I felt. + +I purposely delayed going to see her even when permitted to do so, and no +longer sent to inquire about her condition, as I wished to have her know +that I did not believe in her illness. I did not know why she kept me at +a distance; but I was so miserably unhappy that, at times, I thought +seriously of putting an end to a life that had become insupportable. +I was accustomed to spend entire days in the woods, and one day I +happened to encounter her there. + +I hardly had the courage to ask for an explanation; she did not reply +frankly, and I did not recur to the subject; I could only count the days +I was obliged to pass without seeing her, and live in the hope of a +visit. All the time I was sorely tempted to throw myself at her feet, +and tell her of my despair. I knew that she would not be insensible to +it, and that she would at least express her pity; but her severity and +the abrupt manner of her departure recalled me to my senses; I trembled +lest I should lose her, and I would rather die than expose myself to that +danger. + +Thus denied the solace of confessing my sorrow, my health began to give +way. My feet lagged on the way to her house; I felt that I was +exhausting the source of tears, and each visit cost me added sorrow; +I was torn with the thought that I ought not to see her. + +On her part there was neither the same tone nor the same ease as of old; +she spoke of going away on a tour; she pretended to confess to me her +longing to get away, leaving me more dead than alive after her cruel +words. If surprised by a natural impulse of sympathy, she immediately +checked herself and relapsed into her accustomed coldness. Upon one +occasion I could not restrain my tears. I saw her turn pale. As I was +going, she said to me at the door: + +"To-morrow I am going to Sainte-Luce (a neighboring village), and it is +too far to go on foot. Be here with your horse early in the morning, +if you have nothing to do, and go with me." + +I was on hand promptly, as may readily be imagined. I had slept over +that word with transports of joy; but, upon leaving my house, I +experienced a feeling of deep dejection. In restoring me to the +privilege I had formerly enjoyed of accompanying her on her missions +about the country, she had clearly been guilty of a cruel caprice if she +did not love me. She knew how I was suffering; why abuse my courage +unless she had changed her mind? + +This reflection had a strange influence on me. When she mounted her +horse my heart beat violently as I took her foot; I do not know whether +it was from desire or anger. "If she is touched," I said to myself, "why +this reserve? If she is a coquette, why so much liberty?" + +Such are men. At my first word she saw that a change had taken place in +me. I did not speak to her, but kept to the other side of the road. +When we reached the valley she appeared at ease, and only turned her head +from time to time to see if I was following her; but when we came to the +forest and our horses' hoofs resounded against the rocks that lined the +road, I saw that she was trembling. She stopped as though to wait for +me, as I was some distance in the rear; when I had overtaken her she set +out at a gallop. We soon reached the foot of the mountain and were +compelled to slacken our pace. I then made my way to her side; our heads +were bowed; the time had come, I took her hand. + +"Brigitte," I said, "are you weary of my complaints? Since I have been +reinstated in your favor, since I have been allowed to see you every day +and every evening, I have asked myself if I have been importunate. +During the last two months, while strength and hope have been failing me, +have I said a word of that fatal love which is consuming me? Raise your +head and answer me. Do you not see that I suffer and that my nights are +given to weeping? Have you not met in the forest an unfortunate wretch +sitting in solitary dejection with his hands pressed to his forehead? +Have you not seen tears on these bushes? Look at me, look at these +mountains; do you realize that I love you? They know it, they are my +witnesses; these rocks and these trees know my secret. Why lead me +before them? Am I not wretched enough? Do I fail in courage? Have I +obeyed you? To what tests, what tortures am I subjected, and for what +crime? If you do not love me, what are you doing here?" + +"Let us return," she said, "let us retrace our steps." + +I seized her horse's bridle. + +"No," I replied, "for I have spoken. If we return, I lose you, I realize +it; I know in advance what you will say. You have been pleased to try my +patience, you have set my sorrow at defiance, perhaps that you might have +the right to drive me from your presence; you have become tired of that +sorrowful lover who suffered without complaint and who drank with +resignation the bitter chalice of your disdain! You knew that, alone +with you in the presence of these trees, in the midst of this solitude +where my love had its birth, I could not be silent! You wish to be +offended. Very well, Madame, I lose you! I have wept and I have +suffered, I have too long nourished in my heart a pitiless love that +devours me. You have been cruel!" + +As she was about to leap from her saddle, I seized her in my arms and +pressed my lips to hers. She turned pale, her eyes closed, her bridle +slipped from her hand and she fell to the ground. + +"God be praised!" I cried, "she loves me!" She had returned my kiss. + +I leaped to the ground and hastened to her side. She was extended on the +ground. I raised her, she opened her eyes, and shuddered with terror; +she pushed my arm aside, and burst into tears. + +I stood near the roadside; I looked at her as she leaned against a tree, +as beautiful as the day, her long hair falling over her shoulders, her +hands twitching and trembling, her cheeks suffused with crimson, whereon +shone pearly tears. + +"Do not come near me!" she cried, "not a step!" + +"Oh, my love!" I said, "fear nothing; if I have offended you, you know +how to punish me. I was angry and I gave way to my grief; treat me as +you choose; you may go away now, you may send me away! I know that you +love me, Brigitte, and you are safer here than a king in his palace." + +As I spoke these words, Madame Pierson fixed her humid eyes on mine; I +saw the happiness of my life come to me in the flash of those orbs. I +crossed the road and knelt before her. How little he loves who can +recall the words he uses when he confesses that love! + + + + +CHAPTER VII + +THE VENUSBERG AGAIN + +If I were a jeweler and had in stock a pearl necklace that I wished to +give a friend, it seems to me I should take great pleasure in placing it +about her neck with my own hands; but were I that friend, I would rather +die than snatch the necklace from the jeweler's hand. I have seen many +men hasten to give themselves to the woman they love, but I have always +done the contrary, not through calculation, but through natural instinct. +The woman who loves a little and resists does not love enough, and she +who loves enough and resists knows that she is not sincerely loved. + +Madame Pierson gave evidence of more confidence in me, confessing that +she loved me when she had never shown it in her actions. The respect I +felt for her inspired me with such joy that her face looked to me like a +budding rose. At times she would abandon herself to an impulse of sudden +gayety, then she would suddenly check herself; treating me like a child, +and then look at me with eyes filled with tears; indulging in a thousand +pleasantries as a pretext for a more familiar word or caress, she would +suddenly leave me, go aside and abandon herself to revery. Was ever a +more beautiful sight? When she returned she would find me waiting for +her in the same spot where I had remained watching her. + +"Oh! my friend!" I said, "Heaven itself rejoices to see how you are +loved." + +Yet I could conceal neither the violence of my desires nor the pain I +endured struggling against them. One evening I told her that I had just +learned of the loss of an important case, which would involve a +considerable change in my affairs. + +"How is it," she asked, "that you make this announcement and smile at the +same time?" + +"There is a certain maxim of a Persian poet," I replied: "'He who is +loved by a beautiful woman is sheltered from every blow.'" + +Madame Pierson made no reply; all that evening she was even more cheerful +than usual. When we played cards with her aunt and I lost she was +merciless in her scorn, saying that I knew nothing of the game, and she +bet against me with so much success that she won all I had in my purse. +When the old lady retired, she stepped out on the balcony and I followed +her in silence. + +The night was beautiful; the moon was setting and the stars shone +brightly in a field of deep azure. Not a breath of wind stirred the +trees; the air was warm and freighted with the perfume of spring. + +She was leaning on her elbow, her eyes in the heavens; I leaned over her +and watched her as she dreamed. Then I raised my own eyes; a voluptuous +melancholy seized us both. We breathed together the warm perfume wafted +to us from the garden; we followed, in its lingering course, the pale +light of the moon which glinted through the chestnut-trees. I thought of +a certain day when I had looked up at the broad expanse of heaven with +despair; I trembled at the recollection of that hour; life was so rich +now! I felt a hymn of praise welling up in my heart. Around the form of +my dear mistress I slipped my arm; she gently turned her head; her eyes +were bathed in tears. Her body yielded as does the rose, her open lips +fell on mine, and the universe was forgotten. + +Eternal angel of happy nights, who shall interpret thy silence? +Mysterious vintage that flows from lips that meet as from a stainless +chalice! Intoxication of the senses! O, supremest joy! Yes, like God, +thou art immortal! Sublime exaltation of the creature, universal +communion of beings, thrice sacred pleasure, what have they sung who have +celebrated thy praise? They have called thee transitory, O thou who dost +create! And they have said that thy passing beams have illumined their +fugitive life. Words that are as feeble as the dying breath! Words of a +sensual brute who is astonished that he should live for an hour, and who +mistakes the rays of the eternal lamp for the spark which is struck from +the flint! + +O love! thou principle of life! Precious flame over which all nature, +like a careful vestal, incessantly watches in the temple of God! Centre +of all, by whom all exists, the spirit of destruction would itself die, +blowing at thy flame! I am not astonished that thy name should be +blasphemed, for they do not know who thou art, they who think they have +seen thy face because they have opened their eyes; and when thou findest +thy true prophets, united on earth with a kiss, thou closest their eyes +lest they look upon the face of perfect joy. + +But you, O rapturous delights, languishing smiles, and first caressing, +stammering utterance of love, you who can be seen, who are you? Are you +less in God's sight than all the rest, beautiful cherubim who soar in the +alcove and who bring to this world man awakened from the dream divine! +Ah! dear children of pleasure, how your mother loves you! It is you, +curious prattlers, who behold the first mysteries, touches, trembling yet +chaste, glances that are already insatiable, who begin to trace on the +heart, as a tentative sketch, the ineffaceable image of cherished beauty! +O royalty! O conquest! It is you who make lovers. And thou, true +diadem, serenity of happiness! The first true concept of man's life, and +first return of happiness in the many little things of life which are +seen only through the medium of joy, first steps made by nature in the +direction of the well-beloved! Who will paint you? What human word will +ever express thy slightest caress? + +He who, in the freshness of youth, has taken leave of an adored mistress; +he who has walked through the streets without hearing the voices of those +who speak to him; he who has sat in a lonely spot, laughing and weeping +without knowing why; he who has placed his hands to his face in order to +breathe the perfume that still clings to them; he who has suddenly +forgotten what he had been doing on earth; he who has spoken to the trees +along the route and to the birds in their flight; finally, he who, in the +midst of men, has acted the madman, and then has fallen on his knees and +thanked God for it; let him die without complaint: he has known the joy +of love. + + + + +PART IV + +CHAPTER I + +THE THORNS OF LOVE + +I have now to recount what happened to my love, and the change that took +place in me. What reason can I give for it? None, except as I repeat +the story and as I say: "It is the truth." For two days, neither more +nor less, I was Madame Pierson's lover. One fine night I set out and +traversed the road that led to her house. I was feeling so well in body +and soul that I leaped for joy and extended my arms to heaven. I found +her at the top of the stairway leaning on the railing, a lighted candle +beside her. She was waiting for me, and when she saw me ran to meet me. + +She showed me how she had changed her coiffure which had displeased me, +and told me how she had passed the day arranging her hair to suit my +taste; how she had taken down a villainous black picture-frame that had +offended my eye; how she had renewed the flowers; she recounted all she +had done since she had known me, how she had seen me suffer and how she +had suffered herself; how she had thought of leaving the country, of +fleeing from her love; how she had employed every precaution against me; +how she had sought advice from her aunt, from Mercanson and from the +cure; how she had vowed to herself that she would die rather than yield, +and how all that had been dissipated by a single word of mine, a glance, +an incident; and with every confession a kiss. + +She said that whatever I saw in her room that pleased my taste, whatever +bagatelle on her table attracted my attention, she would give me; that +whatever she did in the future, in the morning, in the evening, at any +hour, I should regulate as I pleased; that the judgments of the world did +not concern her; that if she had appeared to care for them, it was only +to send me away; but that she wished to be happy and close her ears, that +she was thirty years of age and had not long to be loved by me. "And you +will love me a long time? Are those fine words, with which you have +beguiled me, true?" And then loving reproaches because I had been late +in coming to her; that she had put on her slippers in order that I might +see her foot, but that she was no longer beautiful; that she could wish +she were; that she had been at fifteen. She went here and there, silly +with love, rosy with joy; and she did not know what to imagine, what to +say or do, in order to give herself and all that she had. + +I was lying on the sofa; I felt, at every word she spoke, a bad hour of +my past life slipping away from me. I watched the star of love rising in +my sky, and it seemed to me I was like a tree filled with sap that shakes +off its dry leaves in order to attire itself in new foliage. She sat +down at the piano and told me she was going to play an air by Stradella. +More than all else I love sacred music, and that morceau which she had +sung for me a number of times gave me great pleasure. + +"Yes," she said when she had finished, "but you are very much mistaken, +the air is mine, and I have made you believe it was Stradella's." + +"It is yours?" + +"Yes, and I told you it was by Stradella in order to see what you would +say of it. I never play my own music when I happen to compose any; but I +wanted to try it with you, and you see it has succeeded since you were +deceived." + +What a monstrous machine is man! What could be more innocent? A bright +child might have adopted that ruse to surprise his teacher. She laughed +heartily the while, but I felt a strange coldness as if a dark cloud had +settled on me; my countenance changed: + +"What is the matter?" she asked. "Are you ill?" + +"It is nothing; play that air again." + +While she was playing I walked up and down the room; I passed my hand +over my forehead as if to brush away the fog; I stamped my foot, shrugged +my shoulders at my own madness; finally I sat down on a cushion which had +fallen to the floor; she came to me. The more I struggled with the +spirit of darkness which had seized me, the thicker the night that +gathered around my head. + +"Verily," I said, "you lie so well? What! that air is yours? Is it +possible you can lie so fluently?" + +She looked at me with an air of astonishment. + +"What is it?" she asked. + +Unspeakable anxiety was depicted on her face. Surely she could not +believe me fool enough to reproach her for such a harmless bit of +pleasantry; she did not see anything serious in that sadness which I +felt; but the more trifling the cause, the greater the surprise. At +first she thought I, too, must be joking; but when she saw me growing +paler every moment as if about to faint, she stood with open lips and +bent body, looking like a statue. + +"God of Heaven!" she cried, "is it possible?" + +You smile, perhaps, reader, at this page; I who write it still shudder as +I think of it. Misfortunes have their symptoms as well as diseases, and +there is nothing so terrible at sea as a little black point on the +horizon. + +However, my dear Brigitte drew a little round table into the centre of +the room and brought out some supper. She had prepared it herself, and I +did not drink a drop that was not first borne to her lips. The blue +light of day, piercing through the curtains, illumined her charming face +and tender eyes; she was tired and allowed her head to fall on my +shoulder with a thousand terms of endearment. + +I could not struggle against such charming abandon, and my heart expanded +with joy; I believed I had rid myself of the bad dream that had just +tormented me, and I begged her pardon for giving way to a sudden impulse +which I myself did not understand. + +"My friend," I said, from the bottom of my heart, "I am very sorry that I +unjustly reproached you for a piece of innocent badinage; but if you love +me, never lie to me, even in the smallest matter, for a lie is an +abomination to me and I can not endure it." + +I told her I would remain until she was asleep. I saw her close her +beautiful eyes and heard her murmur something in her sleep as I bent over +and kissed her adieu. Then I went away with a tranquil heart, promising +myself that I would henceforth enjoy my happiness and allow nothing to +disturb it. + +But the next day Brigitte said to me, as if quite by chance: + +"I have a large book in which I have written my thoughts, everything that +has occurred to my mind, and I want you to see what I said of you the +first day I met you." + +We read together what concerned me, to which we added a hundred foolish +comments, after which I began to turn the leaves in a mechanical way. A +phrase written in capital letters caught my eye on one of the pages I was +turning; I distinctly saw some words that were insignificant enough, and +I was about to read the rest when Brigitte stopped me and said: + +"Do not read that." + +I threw the book on the table. + +"Why, certainly not," I said, "I did not think what I was doing." + +"Do you still take things seriously?" she asked, smiling, doubtless +seeing my malady coming on again; "take the book, I want you to read it." + +The book lay on the table within easy reach and I did not take my eyes +from it. I seemed to hear a voice whispering in my ear, and I thought I +saw, grimacing before me, with his glacial smile and dry face, Desgenais. +"What are you doing here, Desgenais?" I asked as if I really saw him. +He looked as he did that evening, when he leaned over my table and +unfolded to me his catechism of vice. + +I kept my eyes on the book and I felt vaguely stirring in my memory some +forgotten words of the past. The spirit of doubt hanging over my head +had injected into my veins a drop of poison; the vapor mounted to my head +and I staggered like a drunken man. What secret was Brigitte concealing +from me? I knew very well that I had only to bend over and open the +book; but at what place? How could I recognize the leaf on which my eye +had chanced to fall? + +My pride, moreover, would not permit me to take the book; was it indeed +pride? "O God!" I said to myself with a frightful sense of sadness, +"is the past a spectre? and can it come out of its tomb? Ah! wretch +that I am, can I never love?" + +All my ideas of contempt for women, all the phrases of mocking fatuity +which I had repeated as a schoolboy his lesson, suddenly came to my mind; +and strange to say, while formerly I did not believe in making a parade +of them, now it seemed that they were real, or at least that they had +been. + +I had known Madame Pierson four months, but I knew nothing of her past +life and had never questioned her about it. I had yielded to my love for +her with confidence and without reservation. I found a sort of pleasure +in taking her just as she was, for just what she seemed, while suspicion +and jealousy are so foreign to my nature that I was more surprised at +feeling them toward Brigitte than she was in discovering them in me. +Never in my first love nor in the affairs of daily life have I been +distrustful, but on the contrary bold and frank, suspecting nothing. +I had to see my mistress betray me before my eyes before I would believe +that she could deceive me. Desgenais himself, while preaching to me +after his manner, joked me about the ease with which I could be duped. +The story of my life was an incontestable proof that I was credulous +rather than suspicious; and when the words in that book suddenly struck +me, it seemed to me I felt a new being within me, a sort of unknown self; +my reason revolted against the feeling, and I did not dare ask whither +all this was leading me. + +But the suffering I had endured, the memory of the perfidy that I had +witnessed, the frightful cure I had imposed on myself, the opinions of my +friends, the corrupt life I had led, the sad truths I had learned, as +well as those that I had unconsciously surmised during my sad experience, +ending in debauchery, contempt of love, abuse of everything, that is what +I had in my heart although I did not suspect it; and at the moment when +life and hope were again being born within me, all these furies that were +being atrophied by time seized me by the throat and cried that they were +yet alive. + +I bent over and opened the book, then immediately closed it and threw it +on the table. Brigitte was looking at me; in her beautiful eyes was +neither wounded pride nor anger; nothing but tender solicitude, as if I +were ill. + +"Do you think I have secrets?" she asked, embracing me. + +"No," I replied, "I know nothing except that you are beautiful and that I +would die loving you." + +When I returned home to dinner I said to Larive: + +"Who is Madame Pierson?" + +He looked at me in astonishment. + +"You have lived here many years," I continued; "you ought to know better +than I. What do they say of her here? What do they think of her in the +village? What kind of life did she lead before I knew her? Whom did she +receive as her friends?" + +"In faith, sir, I have never seen her do otherwise than she does every +day, that is to say, walk in the valley, play picquet with her aunt, and +visit the poor. The peasants call her Brigitte la Rose; I have never +heard a word against her except that she goes through the woods alone at +all hours of the day and night; but that is when engaged in charitable +work. She is the ministering angel in the valley. As for those she +receives, there are only the cure and Monsieur de Dalens during +vacation." + +"Who is this Monsieur de Dalens?" + +"He owns the chateau at the foot of the mountain on the other side; he +only comes here for the chase." + +"Is he young?" + +"Yes." + +"Is he related to Madame Pierson?" + +"No, he was a friend of her husband." + +"Has her husband been dead long?" + +"Five years on All-Saints' day. He was a worthy man." + +"And has this Monsieur de Dalens paid court?" + +"To the widow? In faith--to tell the truth--" he stopped, embarrassed. + +"Well, will you answer me?" + +"Some say so and some do not--I know nothing and have seen nothing." + +"And you just told me that they do not talk about her in the country?" + +"That is all they have said, and I supposed you knew that." + +"In a word, yes or no?" + +"Yes, sir, I think so, at least." + +I arose from the table and walked down the road; Mercanson was there. +I expected he would try to avoid me; on the contrary he approached me. + +"Sir," he said, "you exhibited signs of anger which it does not become a +man of my character to resent. I wish to express my regret that I was +charged to communicate a message which appeared so unwelcome." + +I returned his compliment, supposing he would leave me at once; but he +walked along at my side. + +"Dalens! Dalens!" I repeated between my teeth, "who will tell me about +Dalens?" For Larive had told me nothing except what a valet might learn. +From whom had he learned it? From some servant or peasant. I must have +some witness who had seen Dalens with Madame Pierson and who knew all +about their relations. I could not get that Dalens out of my head, and +not being able to talk to any one else, I asked Mercanson about him. + +If Mercanson was not a bad man, he was either a fool or very shrewd, I +have never known which. It is certain that he had reason to hate me and +that he treated me as meanly as possible. Madame Pierson, who had the +greatest friendship for the cure, had almost come to think equally well +of the nephew. He was proud of it, and consequently jealous. It is not +love alone that inspires jealousy; a favor, a kind word, a smile from a +beautiful mouth, may arouse some people to jealous rage. + +Mercanson appeared to be astonished. I was somewhat astonished myself; +but who knows his own mind? + +At his first words I saw that the priest understood what I wanted to know +and had decided not to satisfy me. + +"How does it happen that you have known Madame Pierson so long and so +intimately (I think so, at least) and have not met Monsieur de Dalens? +But, doubtless, you have some reason unknown to me for inquiring about +him to-day. All I can say is that as far as I know, he is an honest man, +kind and charitable; he was, like you, very intimate with Madame Pierson; +he is fond of hunting and entertains handsomely. He and Madame Pierson +were accustomed to devote much of their time to music. He punctually +attended to his works of charity and, when--in the country, accompanied +that lady on her rounds, just as you do. His family enjoys an excellent +reputation at Paris; I used to find him with Madame Pierson whenever I +called; his manners were excellent. As for the rest, I speak truly and +frankly, as becomes me when it concerns persons of his merit. I believe +that he only comes here for the chase; he was a friend of her husband; he +is said to be rich and very generous; but I know nothing about it except +that--" + +With what tortured phrases was this dull tormentor teasing me. I was +ashamed to listen to him, yet not daring to ask a single question or +interrupt his vile insinuations. I was alone on the promenade; the +poisoned arrow of suspicion had entered my heart. I did not know whether +I felt more of anger or of sorrow. The confidence with which I had +abandoned myself to my love for Brigitte had been so sweet and so natural +that I could not bring myself to believe that so much happiness had been +built upon an illusion. That sentiment of credulity which had attracted +me to her seemed a proof that she was worthy. Was it possible that these +four months of happiness were but a dream? + +But after all, I thought, that woman has yielded too easily. Was there +not deception in that pretended anxiety to have me leave the country? +Is she not just like all the rest? Yes, that is the way they all do; +they attempt to escape in order to experience the happiness of being +pursued: it is the feminine instinct. Was it not she who confessed her +love by her own act, at the very moment I had decided that she would +never be mine? Did she not accept my arm the first day I met her? If +Dalens has been her lover, he probably is still; there is a certain sort +of liaison that has neither beginning nor end; when chance ordains a +meeting, it is resumed; when parted, it is forgotten. + +If that man comes here this summer, she will probably see him without +breaking with me. Who is this aunt, what mysterious life is this that +has charity for its cloak, this liberty that cares nothing for opinion? +May they not be adventurers, these two women with their little house, +their prudence, and their caution, which enable them to impose on people +so easily? Assuredly, for all I know, I have fallen into an affair of +gallantry when I thought I was engaged in a romance. But what can I do? +There is no one here who can help me except the priest, who does not care +to tell me what he knows, and his uncle, who will say still less. Who +will save me? How can I learn the truth? + +Thus spoke jealousy; thus, forgetting so many tears and all that I had +suffered, I had come at the end of two days to a point where I was +tormenting myself with the idea that Brigitte had yielded too easily. +Thus, like all who doubt, I brushed aside sentiment and reason to dispute +with facts, to attach myself to the letter and dissect my love. + +While absorbed in these reflections I was slowly approaching Madame +Pierson's. + +I found the gate open, and as I entered the garden I saw a light in the +kitchen. I thought of questioning the servant, I stepped to the window. + +A feeling of horror rooted me to the spot. The servant was an old woman, +thin and wrinkled and bent, a common deformity in people who have worked +in the fields. I found her shaking a cooking. utensil over a filthy +sink. A dirty candle fluttered in her trembling hand; about her were +pots, kettles, and dishes, the remains of dinner that a dog sniffed at, +from time to time, as though ashamed; a warm, nauseating odor emanated +from the reeking walls. When the old woman caught sight of me, she +smiled in a confidential way; she had seen me take leave of her mistress. + +I shuddered as I thought what I had come to seek in a spot so well suited +to my ignoble purpose. I fled from that old woman as from jealousy +personified, and as if the stench of her cooking had come from my heart. + +Brigitte was at the window watering her well-beloved flowers; a child of +one of her neighbors was lying in a cradle at her side, and she was +gently rocking the cradle with her disengaged hand; the child's mouth was +full of bonbons, and in gurgling eloquence it was addressing an +incomprehensible apostrophe to its nurse. I sat down near her and kissed +the child on its fat cheeks, as if to imbibe some of its innocence. +Brigitte accorded me a timid greeting; she could see her troubled image +in my eyes. For my part I avoided her glance; the more I admired her +beauty and her air of candor, the more I was convinced that such a woman +was either an angel or a monster of perfidy; I forced myself to recall +each one of Mercanson's words, and I confronted, so to speak, the man's +insinuations with her presence and her face. "She is very beautiful," I +said to myself, "and very dangerous if she knows how, to deceive; but I +will fathom her and I will sound her heart; and she shall know who I am." + +"My dear," I said after a long silence, "I have just given a piece of +advice to a friend who consulted me. He is an honest young man, and he +writes me that a woman he loves has another lover. He asks me what he +ought to do." + +"What reply did you make?" + +"Two questions: Is she pretty? Do you love her? If you love her, forget +her; if she is pretty and you do not love her, keep her for your +pleasure; there will always be time to quit her, if it is merely a matter +of beauty, and one is worth as much as another." + +Hearing me speak thus, Brigitte put down the child she was holding and +sat down at the other end of the room. There was no light in the room; +the moon, which was shining on the spot where she had been standing, +threw a shadow over the sofa on which she was now seated. The words I +had uttered were so heartless, so cruel, that I was dazed myself, and my +heart was filled with bitterness. The child in its cradle began to cry. +Then all three of us were silent while a cloud passed over the moon. + +A servant entered the room with a light and carried the child away. I +arose, Brigitte also; but she suddenly placed her hand on her heart and +fell to the floor. + +I hastened to her side; she had not lost consciousness and begged me not +to call any one. She explained that she was subject to violent +palpitation of the heart and had been troubled by fainting spells from +her youth; that there was no danger and no remedy. I kneeled beside her; +she sweetly opened her arms; I raised her head and placed it on my +shoulder. + +"Ah! my friend," she said, "I pity you." + +"Listen to me," I whispered in her ear, "I am a wretched fool, but I can +keep nothing on my heart. Who is this Monsieur de Dalens who lives on +the mountain and comes to see you?" + +She appeared astonished to hear me mention that name. + +"Dalens?" she replied. "He was my husband's friend." + +She looked at me as if to inquire: "Why do you ask?" It seemed to me +that her face wore a grieved expression. I bit my lips. "If she wants +to deceive me," I thought, "I was foolish to question her." + +Brigitte rose with difficulty; she took her fan and began to walk up and +down the room. + +She was breathing hard; I had wounded her. She was absorbed in thought +and we exchanged two or three glances that were almost cold. She stepped +to her desk, opened it, drew out a package of letters tied together with +a ribbon, and threw it at my feet without a word. + +But I was looking neither at her nor her letters; I had just thrown a +stone into the abyss and was listening to the echoes. For the first time +offended pride was depicted on Brigitte's face. There was no longer +either anxiety or pity in her eyes, and, just as I had come to feel +myself other than I had ever been, so I saw in her a woman I did not +know. + +"Read that," she said, finally. I stepped up to her and took her hand. + +"Read that, read that!" she repeated in freezing tones. + +I took the letters. At that moment I felt so persuaded of her innocence +that I was seized with remorse. + +"You remind me," she said, "that I owe you the story of my life; sit down +and you shall learn it. You will open these drawers, and you will read +all that I have written and all that has been written to me." + +She sat down and motioned me to a chair. I saw that she found it +difficult to speak. She was pale as death, her voice constrained, her +throat swollen. + +"Brigitte! Brigitte!" I cried, "in the name of heaven, do not speak! +God is my witness I was not born such as you see me; during my life I +have been neither suspicious nor distrustful. I have been undone, my +heart has been seared by the treachery of others. A frightful experience +has led me to the very brink of the precipice, and for a year I have seen +nothing but evil here below. God is my witness that, up to this day, I +did not believe myself capable of playing the ignoble role I have +assumed, the meanest role of all, that of a jealous lover. God is my +witness that I love you and that you are the only one in the world who +can cure me of the past. + +"I have had to do, up to this time, with women who deceived me, or who +were unworthy of love. I have led the life of a libertine; I bear on my +heart certain marks that will never be effaced. Is it my fault if +calumny, and base suggestion, to-day planted in a heart whose fibres were +still trembling with pain and ready to assimilate all that resembles +sorrow, have driven me to despair? I have just heard the name of a man I +have never met, of whose existence I was ignorant; I have been given to +understand that there has been between you and him a certain intimacy, +which proves nothing. I do not intend to question you; I have suffered +from it, I have confessed to you, and I have done you an irreparable +wrong. But rather than consent to what you propose, I will throw it all +in the fire. Ah! my friend, do not degrade me; do not attempt to justify +yourself, do not punish me for suffering. How could I, in the bottom of +my heart, suspect you of deceiving me?. No, you are beautiful and you +are true; a single glance;: of yours, Brigitte, tells me more than words +could utter;; and I am content. If you knew what horrors, what monstrous +deceit, the man who stands before you has seen! If you knew how he has +been treated, how they have mocked at all that is good, how they have +taken pains to teach him all that leads to doubt, to jealousy, to +despair! + +"Alas! alas! my dear mistress, if you knew whom you love! Do not +reproach me, but rather pity me; I must forget that other beings than you +exist. Who can know through what frightful trials, through what pitiless +suffering I have passed! I did not expect this, I did not anticipate +this moment. Since you have become mine, I realize what I have done; +I have felt, in kissing you, that my lips were not, like yours, +unsullied. In the name of heaven, help me live! God made me a better +man than the one you see before you." + +Brigitte held out her hands and caressed me tenderly. She begged me to +tell her all that had led to this sad scene. I spoke of what I had +learned from Larive, but did not dare confess that I had interviewed +Mercanson. She insisted that I listen to her explanation. M. de Dalens +had loved her; but he was a man of frivolous disposition, dissipated and +inconstant; she had given him to understand that, not wishing to remarry, +she could only request that he drop the role of suitor, and he had +yielded to her wishes with good grace; but his visits had become more +rare since that time, until now they had ceased altogether. She drew +from the bundle a certain letter which she showed me, the date of which +was recent; I could not help blushing as I found in it the confirmation +of all she had said; she assured me that she pardoned me, and exacted a +promise that in the future I would promptly tell her of any cause I might +have to suspect her. Our treaty was sealed with a kiss, and when I left +her we had both forgotten that M. de Dalens ever existed. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +UNCERTAINTY + +A kind of stagnant inertia, tempered with bitter joy, is characteristic +of debauchery. It is the sequence of a life of caprice, where nothing is +regulated according to the needs of the body, but everything according to +the fantasy of the mind, and one must be always ready to obey the behests +of the other. Youth and will can resist excess; but nature silently +avenges herself, and the day when she decides to repair her forces, the +will struggles to retard her work and abuses her anew. + +Finding about him then all the objects that were able to tempt him the +evening before, the man who is incapable of enjoying them looks down at +them with a smile of disgust. At the same time the objects which excite +his desire are never attained with sang-froid; all that the debauches +loves, he seizes; his life is a fever; his organs, in order to search the +depths of joy, are forced to avail themselves of the stimulant of +fermented liquors and sleepless nights; in the days of ennui and of +idleness he feels more keenly than other men the disparity between his +impotence and his temptations, and, in order to resist the latter, pride +must come to his aid and make him believe that he disdains them. It is +thus he spits on all the feasts and pleasures of his life, and so, +between an ardent thirst and a profound satiety, a feeling of tranquil +vanity leads him to his death. + +Although I was no longer a debauches, it came to pass that my body +suddenly remembered that it had been. It is easy to understand why I had +not felt the effects of it sooner. While mourning my father's death +every other thought was crowded from my mind. Then a passionate love +succeeded; while I was alone, ennui had nothing to struggle for. Sad or +gay, fair or foul, what matters it to him who is alone? + +As zinc, rarely found unmixed, drawn from the vein where it lies +sleeping, attracts to itself a ray of light when placed near green +leather, thus Brigitte's kisses gradually awakened in my heart what had +been buried there. At her side I perceived what I really was. + +There were days when I felt such a strange sensation in the mornings that +it is impossible for me to define it. I awakened without a motive, +feeling like a man who has spent the night in eating and drinking to the +point of exhaustion. All external sensations caused me insupportable +fatigue, all well-known objects of daily life repelled and annoyed me; +if I spoke it was in ridicule of what others thought or of what I thought +myself. Then, extended on the bed, as if incapable of any motion, +I dismissed any thought of undertaking whatever had been agreed upon the +evening before; I recalled all the tender and loving things I had said to +my mistress during my better moments, and was not satisfied until I had +spoiled and poisoned those memories of happy days. "Can you not forget +all that?" Brigitte would sadly inquire, "if there are two different men +in you, can you not, when the bad rouses himself, forget the good?" + +The patience with which Brigitte opposed these vagaries only served to +excite my sinister gayety. Strange that the man who suffers wishes to +make her whom he loves suffer! To lose control of one's self, is that +not the worst of evils? Is there anything more cruel for a woman than to +hear a man turn to derision all that is sacred and mysterious? Yet she +did not flee from me; she remained at my side, while in my savage humor I +insulted love and allowed insane ravings to escape from lips that were +still moist with her kisses. + +On such days, contrary to my usual inclination, I liked to talk of Paris +and speak of my life of debauchery as the most commendable thing in the +world. "You are nothing but a saint," I would laughingly observe; "you +do not understand what I say. There is nothing like those careless ones +who make love without believing in it." Was that not the same as saying +that I did not believe in it? + +"Very well," Brigitte replied, "teach me how to please you always. I am +perhaps as pretty as those mistresses whom you mourn; if I have not their +skill to divert you, I beg that you will instruct me. Act as if you did +not love me, and let me love you without saying anything about it. If I +am devoted to religion, I am also devoted to love. What can I do to make +you believe it?" + +Then she would stand before the mirror arraying herself as if for a +soiree, affecting a coquetry that she was far from feeling, trying to +adopt my tone, laughing and skipping about the room. "Am I to your +taste?" she would ask. "Which one of your mistresses do I resemble? Am +I beautiful, enough to make you forget that any one can believe in love? +Have I a sufficiently careless air to suit you?" Then, in the midst of +that factitious joy, she would turn her back and I could see her shudder +until the flowers she had placed in her hair trembled. I threw myself at +her feet. + +"Stop!" I cried, "you resemble only too closely that which you try to +imitate, that which my mouth has been so vile as to conjure up before +you. Lay aside those flowers and that dress. Let us wash away such +mimicry with a sincere tear; do not remind me that I am but a prodigal +son; I remember the past too well." + +But even this repentance was cruel, as it proved to her that the phantoms +in my heart were full of reality. In yielding to an impulse of horror I +merely gave her to understand that her resignation and her desire to +please me only served to call up an impure image. + +And it was true; I reached her side transported with joy, swearing that I +would regret my past life; on my knees I protested my respect for her; +then a gesture, a word, a trick of turning as she approached me, recalled +to my mind the fact that such and such a woman had made that gesture, had +used that word, had that same trick of turning. + +Poor devoted soul! What didst thou suffer in seeing me turn pale before +thee, in seeing my arms fall as though lifeless at my side! When the +kiss died on my lips, and the full glance of love, that pure ray of God's +light, fled from my eyes like an arrow turned by the wind! Ah! +Brigitte! what diamonds trickled from thine eyes! What treasures of +charity didst thou exhaust with patient hand! How pitiful thy love! + +For a long time good and bad days succeeded each other almost regularly; +I showed myself alternately cruel and scornful, tender and devoted, +insensible and haughty, repentant and submissive. The face of Desgenais, +which had at first appeared to me as though to warn me whither I was +drifting, was now constantly before me. On my days of doubt and +coldness, I conversed, so to speak, with him; often when I had offended +Brigitte by some cruel mockery I said to myself "If he were in my place +he would do as I do!" + +And then at other times, when putting on my hat to visit Brigitte, I +would look in my glass and say: "What is there so terrible about it, +anyway? I have, after all, a pretty mistress; she has given herself to +a libertine, let her take me for what I am." I reached her side with a +smile on my lips, I sank into a chair with an air of deliberate +insolence; then I saw Brigitte approach, her large eyes filled with +tenderness and anxiety; I seized her little hands in mine and lost myself +in an infinite dream. + +How name a thing that is nameless? Was I good or bad? Was I distrustful +or a fool? It is useless to reflect on it; it happened thus. + +One of our neighbors was a young woman whose name was Madame Daniel. She +possessed some beauty, and still more coquetry; she was poor, but tried +to pass for rich; she would come to see us after dinner and always played +a heavy game against us, although her losses embarrassed her; she sang, +but had no voice. In the solitude of that unknown village, where an +unkind fate had buried her, she was consumed with an uncontrollable +passion for pleasure. She talked of nothing but Paris, which she visited +two or three times a year. She pretended to keep up with the fashions, +and my dear Brigitte assisted her as best she could, while smiling with +pity. Her husband was employed by the government; once a year he would +take her to the house of the chief of his department, where, attired in +her best, the little woman danced to her heart's content. She would +return with shining eyes and tired body; she would come to us to tell of +her prowess, and her success in assaulting the masculine heart. The rest +of the time she read novels, never taking the trouble to look after her +household affairs, which were not always in the best condition. + +Whenever I saw her, I laughed at her, finding nothing so ridiculous as +the high life she thought she was leading. I would interrupt her +description of a ball to inquire about her husband and her father-in-law, +both of whom she detested, the one because he was her husband, and the +other because he was only a peasant; in short, we were always disputing +on some subject. + +In my evil moments I thought of paying court to her just for the sake of +annoying Brigitte. + +"You see," I said, "how perfectly Madame Daniel understands life! In her +present sprightly humor could one desire a more charming mistress?" + +I then paid her the most extravagant compliments; her senseless chatting +I described as unrestraint tempered by finesse, her pretentious +exaggerations as a natural desire to please; was it her fault that she +was poor? At least she thought of nothing but pleasure and confessed it +freely; she did not preach sermons herself, nor did she listen to them +from others; I went so far as to tell Brigitte that she ought to adopt +her as a model, and that she was just the kind of woman to please me. + +Poor Madame Daniel discovered signs of melancholy in Brigitte's eyes. +She was a strange creature, as good and sincere--when you could get +finery out of her head--as she was stupid when absorbed in such frivolous +affairs. On occasion she could be both good and stupid. One fine day, +when they were walking together, she threw herself into Brigitte's arms, +and told her that she had noticed I was beginning to pay court to her, +and that I had made certain proposals to her, the meaning of which was +not doubtful; but she knew that I was another's lover, and as for her, +whatever might happen, she would die rather than destroy the happiness of +a friend. Brigitte thanked her, and Madame Daniel, having set her +conscience at ease, considered it no sin to render me desolate by +languishing glances. + +In the evening, when she had gone, Brigitte, in a severe tone, told me +what had happened; she begged me to spare her such affronts in the +future. + +"Not that I attach any importance to such pleasantries," she said, "but +if you have any love for me, it seems to me it is useless to inform a +third party that there are times when you have not." + +"Is it possible," I replied with a smile, "that it is important? You see +very well that I was only joking, and that I did it only to pass away the +time." + +"Ah! my friend, my friend," said Brigitte, "it is a pity that you must +seek pastimes." + +A few days later I proposed that we go to the prefecture to see Madame +Daniel dance; she unwillingly consented. While she was arranging her +toilette, I sat near the window and reproached her for losing her former +cheerfulness. + +"What is the matter with you?" I asked. (I knew as well as she.) "Why +that morose air that never leaves you? In truth, you make our life quite +sad. I have known you when you were more joyous, more free and more +open; I am not flattered by the thought that I am responsible for the +change. But you have a cloistral disposition; you were born to live in a +convent." + +It was Sunday; as we were driving down the road Brigitte ordered the +carriage to stop in order to say good-evening to some friends, fresh and +vigorous country girls, who were going to dance at Tilleuls. When they +had gone on, Brigitte followed them with, longing eyes; her little rustic +dance was very dear to her; she dried her eyes with her handkerchief. + +We found Madame Daniel at the prefecture in high feather. I danced with +her so often that it excited comment; I paid her a thousand compliments +and she replied as best she could. + +Brigitte was near us, and her eyes never left us. I can hardly describe +what I felt; it was both pleasure and pain. I clearly saw that she was +jealous; but instead of being moved by it I did all I could to increase +her suffering. + +On the return I expected to hear her reproaches; she made none, but +remained silent for three days. When I came to see her she would greet +me kindly; then we would sit down facing each other, both of us +preoccupied, hardly exchanging a word. The third day she spoke, +overwhelmed me with bitter reproaches, told me that my conduct was +unreasonable, that she could not account for it except on the supposition +that I had ceased to love her; but she could not endure this life and +would resort to anything rather than submit to my caprices and coldness. +Her eyes were full of tears, and I was about to ask her pardon when some +words escaped her that were so bitter that my pride revolted. I replied +in the same tone, and our quarrel became violent. + +I told her that it was absurd to suppose that I could not inspire enough +confidence in my mistress to escape the necessity of explaining my every +action; that Madame Daniel was only a pretext; that she very well knew I +did not think of that woman seriously; that her pretended jealousy was +nothing but the expression of her desire for despotic power, and that, +moreover, if she had tired of this life, it was easy enough to put an end +to it. + +"Very well," she replied; "it is true that I do not recognize you as the +same man I first knew; you doubtless performed a little comedy to +persuade me that you loved me; you are tired of your role and can think +of nothing but abuse. You suspect me of deceiving you upon the first +word, and I am under no obligation to submit to your insults. You are no +longer the man I loved." + +"I know what your sufferings are," I replied. "I can not make a step +without exciting your alarm. Soon I shall not be permitted to address a +word to any one but you. You pretend that you have been abused in order +that you may be justified in offering insult; you accuse me of tyranny in +order that I may become your slave. Since I trouble your repose, I leave +you in peace; you will never see me again." + +We parted in anger, and I passed an entire day without seeing her. The +next night, toward midnight, I was seized by a feeling of melancholy that +I could not resist. I shed a torrent of tears; I overwhelmed myself with +reproaches that I richly deserved. I told myself that I was nothing but +a fool, and a cowardly fool at that, to make the noblest, the best of +creatures, suffer in this way. I ran to her to throw myself at her feet. + +Entering the garden, I saw that her room was lighted and a flash of +suspicion crossed my mind. "She does not expect me at this hour," I said +to myself; "who knows what she may be doing. I left her in tears +yesterday; I may find her ready to sing to-day and caring no more for me +than if I never existed. I must enter gently, in order to surprise her." + +I advanced on tiptoe, and the door being open, I could see Brigitte +without being seen. + +She was seated at her table and was writing in that same book that had +aroused my suspicions. She held in her left hand a little box of white +wood which she looked at from time to time and trembled. There was +something sinister in the quiet that reigned in the room. Her secretary +was open and several bundles of papers were carefully ranged in order. + +I made some noise at the door. She rose, went to the secretary, closed +it, then came to me with a smile: + +"Octave," she said, "we are two children. If you had not come here, I +should have gone to you. Pardon me, I was wrong. Madame Daniel comes to +dinner to-morrow; make me repent, if you choose, of what you call my +despotism. If you but love me I am happy; let us forget what is past and +let us not spoil our happiness." + + + + +CHAPTER III + +EXPLANATIONS + +But quarrel had been, so to speak, less sad than our reconciliation; it +was attended, on Brigitte's part, by a mystery which frightened me at +first and then planted in my soul the seeds of constant dread. + +There developed in me, in spite of my struggles, the two elements of +misfortune which the past had bequeathed me: at times furious jealousy +attended by reproaches and insults; at other times a cruel gayety, an +affected cheerfulness, that mockingly outraged whatever I held most dear. +Thus the inexorable spectres of the past pursued me without respite; thus +Brigitte, seeing herself treated alternately as a faithless mistress and +a shameless woman, fell into a condition of melancholy that clouded our +entire life; and worst of all, that sadness even, the cause of which I +knew, was not the most burdensome of our sorrows. I was young and I +loved pleasure; that daily association with a woman older than I, who +suffered and languished, that face, more and more serious, which was +always before me, all this repelled my youth and aroused within me bitter +regrets for the liberty I had lost. + +One night we were passing through the forest in the beautiful light of +the moon, and both experienced a profound melancholy. Brigitte looked at +me in pity. We sat down on a rock near a wild gorge and passed two +entire hours there; her half-veiled eyes plunged into my soul, crossing a +glance from mine; then wandered to nature, to the heavens and the valley. + +"Ah! my dear child," she said, "how I pity you! You do not love me." + +To reach that rock we had to travel two leagues; two more in returning +makes four. Brigitte was afraid of neither fatigue nor darkness. We set +out at eleven at night, expecting to reach home some time in the morning. +When we went on long tramps she always dressed in a blue blouse and the +apparel of a man, saying that skirts were not made for bushes. She +walked before me in the sand with a firm step and such a charming +mingling of feminine delicacy and childlike innocence, that I stopped +every few moments to look at her. It seemed that, once started, she had +to accomplish a difficult but sacred task; she walked in front like a +soldier, her arms swinging, her voice ringing through the woods in song; +suddenly she would turn, come to me and kiss me. This was on the outward +journey; on the return she leaned on my arm; then more songs, +confidences, tender avowals in low tones, although we were alone, two +leagues from anywhere. I do not recall a single word spoken on the +return that was not of love or friendship. + +Another night we struck out through the woods, leaving the road which led +to the rock. Brigitte was tramping along so stoutly and her little +velvet cap on her light hair made her look so much like a resolute youth, +that I forgot she was a woman when there were no obstacles in our path. +More than once she was obliged to call me to her aid when I, without +thinking of her, had pushed on ahead. I can not describe the effect +produced on me in the clear night air, in the midst of the forest, by +that voice of hers, half-joyous and half-plaintive, coming, as it were, +from that little schoolboy body wedged in between roots and trunks of +trees, unable to advance. I took her in my arms. + +"Come, Madame," I cried, laughing, "you are a pretty little mountaineer, +but you are blistering your white hands, and in spite of your hobnailed +shoes, your stick and your martial air, I see that you must be carried." + +We arrived at the rock breathless; about my body was strapped a leather +belt to which was attached a wicker bottle. When we were seated on the +rock, my dear Brigitte asked for the bottle; I had lost it, as well as a +tinder-box which served another purpose: that was to read the +inscriptions on the guide-posts when we went astray, which occurred +frequently. At such times I would climb the posts, and read the half- +effaced inscription by the light of the tinder-box; all this in play, +like the children that we were. At a crossroad we would have to examine +not one guide-post but five or six until the right one was found. But +this time we had lost our baggage on the way. + +"Very well," said Brigitte, "we will pass the night here, as I am rather +tired. This rock will make a hard bed, but we can cover it with dry +leaves. Let us sit down and make the best of it." + +The night was superb; the moon was rising behind us; I looked at it over +my left shoulder. Brigitte was watching the lines of the wooded hills as +they began to outline themselves against the background of sky. As the +light flooded the copse and threw its halo over sleeping nature, +Brigitte's song became more gentle and more melancholy. Then she bent +over, and, throwing her arms around my neck, said: + +"Do not think that I do not understand your heart or that I would +reproach you for what you make me suffer. It is not your fault, my +friend, if you have not the power to forget your past life; you have +loved me in good faith and I shall never regret, although I should die +for it, the day I gave myself to you. You thought you were entering upon +a new life, and that with me you would forget the women who had deceived +you. Alas! Octave, I used to smile at that precocious experience which +you said you had been through, and of which I heard you boast like a +child who knows nothing of life. I thought I had but to will it, and all +that there was that was good in your heart would come to your lips with +my first kiss. You, too, believed it, but we were both mistaken. + +"Oh, my child! You have in your heart a plague that can not be cured; +that woman who deceived you, how you must have loved her! Yes, more than +you love me, alas! much more, since with all my poor love I can not +efface her image; she must have deceived you most cruelly, since it is in +vain that I am faithful! + +"And the others, those wretches who then poisoned your youth! The +pleasures they sold must have been terrible since you ask me to imitate +them! You remember them with me! Alas! my dear child, that is too +cruel. I like you better when you are unjust and furious, when you +reproach me for imaginary crimes and avenge on me the wrong done you by +others, than when you are under the influence of that frightful gayety, +when you assume that air of hideous mockery, when that mask of scorn +affronts my eyes. + +"Tell me, Octave, why that? Why those moments when you speak of love +with contempt and rail at the most sacred mysteries of love? What +frightful power over your irritable nerves has that life you have led, +that such insults should mount to your lips in spite of you? Yes, in +spite of you; for your heart is noble, you blush at your own blasphemy; +you love me too much, not to suffer when you see me suffer. Ah! I know +you now. The first time I saw you thus, I was seized with a feeling of +terror of which I can give you no idea. I thought you were only a roue, +that you had deliberately deceived me by feigning a love you did not +feel, and that I saw you such as you really were. O my friend! I +thought it was time to die; what a night I passed! You do not know my +life; you do not know that I who speak to you have had an experience as +terrible as yours. Alas! life is sweet only to those who do not know +life. + +"You are not, my dear Octave, the only man I have loved. There is hidden +in my heart a fatal story that I wish you to know. My father destined +me, when I was quite young, for the only son of an old friend. They were +neighbors and each owned a little domain of almost equal value. The two +families saw each other every day, and lived, so to speak, together. My +father died; my mother had been dead some time. I lived with the aunt +whom you know. A journey she was compelled to take forced her to confide +me to the care of my future father-in-law. He called me his daughter, +and it was so well known about the country that I was to marry his son +that we were allowed the greatest liberty together. + +"That young man, whose name you need not know, appeared to love me. What +had been friendship from infancy became love in time. He began to tell +me of the happiness that awaited us; he spoke of his impatience, I was +only one year younger than he; but he had made the acquaintance of a man +of dissipated habits who lived in the vicinity, a sort of adventurer, and +had listened to his evil suggestions. While I was yielding to his +caresses with the confidence of a child, he resolved to deceive his +father, and to abandon me after he had ruined me. + +"His father called us into his room one evening and, in the presence of +the family, set the day of our wedding. The very evening before that day +he had met me in the garden and had spoken to me of love with more force +than usual; he said that since the time was set, we were just the same as +married, and for that matter had been in the eyes of God, ever since our +birth. I have no other excuse to offer than my youth, my ignorance, +and my confidence in him. I gave myself to him before becoming his wife, +and eight days afterward he left his father's house. He fled with a +woman his new friend had introduced to him; he wrote that he had gone to +Germany and that we should never see him again. + +"That is, in a word, the story of my life; my husband knew it as you now +know it. I am proud, my child, and I have sworn that no man shall ever +make me again suffer what I suffered then. I saw you and forgot my oath, +but not my sorrow. You must treat me gently; if you are sick, I am also; +we must care for each other. You see, Octave, I, too, know what it is to +call up memories of the past. It inspires me at times with cruel terror; +I should have more courage than you, for perhaps I have suffered more. +It is my place to begin; my heart is not sure of itself, I am still very +feeble; my life in this village was so tranquil before you came! I had +promised myself that it should never change! All this makes me exacting. + +"Ah! well, it does not matter, I am yours. You have told me, in your +better moments, that Providence appointed me to watch over you as a +mother. Yes, when you make me suffer I do not look upon you as a lover, +but as a sick child, fretful and rebellious, that I must care for and +cure in order that I may always keep him and love him. May God give me +that power!" she added looking up to heaven. "May God who sees me, who +hears us, may the God of mothers and of lovers permit me to accomplish +that task! When I feel as if I should sink under it, when my pride +rebels, when my heart is breaking, when all my life--" + +She could not finish; her tears choked her. Oh, God! I saw her there on +her knees, her hands clasped on the rock; she swayed in the breeze as did +the bushes about us. Frail and sublime creature! she prayed for her +love. I raised her in my arms. + +"Oh! my only friend," I cried, "oh! my mistress, my mother, and my +sister! Pray also for me that I may be able to love you as you deserve. +Pray that I may have the courage to live; that my heart may be cleansed +in your tears; that it may become a holy offering before God and that we +may share it together." + +All was silent about us; above our heads spread the heavens resplendent +with stars. + +"Do you remember," I said, "do you remember the first day?" + +From that night we never returned to that spot. That rock was an altar +which has retained its purity; it is one of the visions of my life, and +it still passes before my eyes wreathed in spotless white. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +BRIGITTE'S LOSS + +As I was crossing the public square one evening I saw two men standing +together; one of them said: + +"It appears to me that he has ill-treated her." + +"It is her fault," replied the other; "why choose such a man? He has +known only public women; she is paying the price of her folly." + +I advanced in the darkness to see who was speaking thus, and to hear more +if possible; but they passed on as soon as they spied me. + +I found Brigitte much disturbed; her aunt was seriously ill; she had time +for only a few words with me. I did not see her for an entire week; I +knew that she had summoned a physician from Paris; finally she sent for +me. + +"My aunt is dead," she said; "I lose the only one left me on earth, I am +now alone in the world, and I am going to leave the country." + +"Am I, then, nothing to you?" + +"Yes, my friend; you know that I love you, and I often believe that you +love me. But how can I count on you? I am your mistress, alas! but you +are not my lover. It is for you that Shakespeare has written these sad +words: 'Make thy doublet of changeable taffeta, for thy mind is a very +opal.' And I, Octave," she added, pointing to her mourning costume, "I am +reduced to a single color, and I shall not change it for a long time." + +"Leave the country if you choose; I will either kill myself or I will +follow you. Ah! Brigitte," I continued, throwing myself on my knees +before her, "you thought you were alone when your aunt died! That is the +most cruel punishment you could inflict on me; never have I so keenly +felt the misery of my love for you. You must retract those terrible +words; I deserve them, but they will kill me. Oh, God! can it be true +that I count for nothing in your life, or that I am an influence in your +life only because of the evil I have done you!" + +"I do not know," she said, "who is busying himself in our affairs; +certain insinuations, mixed with idle gossip, have been set afloat in the +village and in the neighboring country. Some say that I have been +ruined; others accuse me of imprudence and folly; others represent you as +a cruel and dangerous man. Some one has spied into our most secret +thoughts; things that I thought no one else knew, events in your life and +sad scenes to which they have led, are known to others; my poor aunt +spoke to me about it not long ago, and she knew it some time before +speaking to me. Who knows but that that has hastened her death? + +"When I meet my old friends in the street, they either treat me coldly, +or turn aside. Even my dear peasant girls, those good girls who love me +so much, shrug their shoulders when they see my place empty at the Sunday +afternoon balls. How has that come about? I do not know, nor do you, +I suppose; but I must go away, I can not endure it. And my aunt's death, +so sudden, so unexpected, above all, this solitude! this empty room! +Courage fails me; my friend, my friend, do not abandon me!" + +She wept; in an adjoining room I saw her household goods in disorder, +a trunk on the floor, everything indicating preparations for departure. +It was evident that, at the time of her aunt's death, Brigitte had tried +to go away without seeing me, but could not. She was so overwhelmed with +emotion that she could hardly speak; her condition was pitiful, and it +was I who had brought her to it. Not only was she unhappy, but she was +insulted in public, and the man who ought to be her support and her +consolation in such an hour was the cause of all her troubles. + +I felt the wrong I had done her so keenly that I was overcome with shame. +After so many promises, so much useless exaltation, so many plans and +hopes, what had I, in fact, accomplished in three months? I thought I +had a treasure in my heart, and out of it came nothing but malice, the +shadow of a dream, and the misfortune of a woman I adored. For the first +time I found myself really face to face with myself. Brigitte reproached +me for nothing; she had tried to go away and could not; she was ready to +suffer still. I suddenly asked myself whether I ought not to leave her, +whether it was not my duty to flee from her and rid her of the scourge of +my presence. + +I arose, and, passing into the next room, sat down on Brigitte's trunk. +There I leaned my head on my hand and sat motionless. I looked about me +at the confused piles of goods. Alas! I knew them all; my heart was not +so hardened that it could not be moved by the memories which they +awakened. I began to calculate all the harm I had done; I saw my dear +Brigitte walking under the lindens with her goat beside her. + +"O man!" I mused, "and by what right?--how dared you come to this house, +and lay hands on this woman? Who has ordained that she should suffer for +you? You array yourself in fine linen, and set out, sleek and happy, for +the home where your mistress languishes; you throw yourself upon the +cushions where she has just knelt in prayer, for you and for her, and you +gently stroke those delicate hands that still tremble. You think it no +evil to inflame a poor heart, and you perorate as warmly in your +deliriums of love as the wretched lawyer who comes with red eyes from a +suit he has lost. You play the infant prodigy in making sport of +suffering; you find it amusing to occupy your leisure moments in +committing murder by means of little pin pricks. + +"What will you say to the living God, when your work is finished? What +will become of the woman who loves you? Where will you fall while she +leans on you for support? With what face will you one day bury your pale +and wretched creature, just as she buried the last man who protected her? +Yes, yes, you will doubtless have to bury her, for your love kills and +consumes; you have devoted her to the Furies and it is she who appeases +them. If you follow that woman you will be the cause of her death. Take +care! her guardian angel hesitates; he has just knocked at the door of +this house, in order to frighten away a fatal and shameful passion! He +inspired Brigitte with the idea of flight; at this moment he may be +whispering in her ear his final warning. O assassin! O murderer! +Beware! it is a matter of life and death." + +Thus I communed with myself; then on the sofa I caught sight of a little +gingham dress, folded and ready to be packed in the trunk. It had been a +witness of our happy days. I took it up and examined it. + +"Must I leave you?" I said to it; "Must I lose you? O little dress, +would you go away without me?" + +No, I can not abandon Brigitte; in these circumstances it would be +cowardly. She has just lost her aunt, and is all alone; she is exposed +to the power of I know not what enemy. Can it be Mercanson? He may have +spoken of my conversation with him, and, seeing that I was jealous of +Dalens, may have guessed the rest. Assuredly he is the snake who has +been hissing about my well-beloved flower. I must punish him, and I must +repair the wrong I have done Brigitte. Fool that I am! I think of +leaving her, when I ought to consecrate my life to her, to the expiation +of my sins, to rendering her happy after the tears I have drawn from her +eyes-when I am her only support in the world, her only friend, her only +protector! when I ought to follow her to the end of the world, to shelter +her with my body, to console her for having loved me, for having given +herself to me! + +"Brigitte!" I cried, returning to her room, "wait an hour for me, and I +will return." + +"Where are you going?" she asked. + +"Wait for me," I replied, "do not set out without me. Remember the words +of Ruth: 'Whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will +lodge; thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God; where thou +diest, will I die, and there will I be buried."' + +I left her precipitately, and rushed out to find Mercanson. I was told +that he had gone out, and I entered his house to wait for him. + +I sat in the corner of the room on a priest's chair before a dirty black +table. I was becoming impatient when I recalled my duel on account of my +first mistress. + +"I received a wound from a bullet and am still a fool," I said to myself. +"What have I come to do here? This priest will not fight; if I seek a +quarrel with him, he will say that his priestly robes forbid, and he will +continue his vile gossip when I have gone. Moreover, for what can I hold +him responsible? What is it that has disturbed Brigitte? They say that +her reputation has been sullied, that I ill-treat her, and that she ought +not to submit to it. What stupidity! That concerns no one; there is +nothing to do but allow them to talk; in such a case, to notice an insult +is to give it importance. + +"Is it possible to prevent provincials from talking about their +neighbors? Can any one prevent a gossip from maligning a woman who +loves? What measures can be taken to stop a public rumor? If they say +that I ill-treat her, it is for me--to prove the contrary by my conduct +with her, and not by violence. It would be as ridiculous to seek a +quarrel with Mercanson as to leave the country on account of gossip. +No, we must not leave the country; that would be a bad move; that would +be to say to all the world that there is truth in its idle rumors, and to +give excuse to the gossips. We must neither go away nor take any notice +of such things." + +I returned to Brigitte. A half hour had passed, and I had changed my +mind three times. I dissuaded her from her plans; I told her what I had +just done and why I had not carried out my first impulse. She listened +resignedly, yet she wished to go away; the house where her aunt had died +had become odious to her. Much effort and persuasion on my part were +required to get her to consent to remain; finally I accomplished it. +We repeated that we would despise the world, that we would yield nothing, +that we would not change our manner of life. I swore that my love should +console her for all her sorrows, and she pretended to hope for the best. +I told her that this circumstance had so enlightened me in the matter of +the wrongs I had done her, that my conduct would prove my repentance, +that I would drive from me as a phantom all the evil that remained in my +heart; that hence forth she should not be offended either by my pride or +by my caprices; and thus, sad and patient, her arms around my neck, she +yielded obedience to the pure caprice that I myself mistook for a flash +of reason. + +One day I saw a little chamber she called her oratory; there was no +furniture except a prie-dieu and a little altar with a cross and some +vases of flowers. As for the rest, the walls and curtains were as white +as snow. She shut herself up in that room at times, but rarely since I +had known her. + +I stepped to the door and saw Brigitte seated on the floor in the middle +of the room, surrounded by the flowers she was throwing here and there. +She held in her hand a little wreath that appeared to be made of dried +grass, and she was breaking it in pieces. + +"What are you doing?" I asked. + +She trembled and stood up. + +"It is nothing but a child's plaything," she said; "it is a rose wreath +that has faded here in the oratory; I have come here to change my +flowers, as I have not attended to them for some time." + +Her voice trembled, and she appeared to be about to faint. I recalled +that name of Brigitte la Rose that I had heard given her. I asked her +whether it was not her crown of roses that she had just broken thus. + +"No," she replied, turning pale. + +"Yes," I cried, "yes, on my life! Give me the pieces." + +I gathered them up and placed them on the altar, then I was silent, my +eyes fixed on the offering. + +"Was I not right," she asked, "if it was my crown, to take it from the +wall where it has hung so long? + +"Of what use are these remains? Brigitte la Rose is no more, nor the +flowers that baptized her." She went out. I heard her sobs, and the +door closed on me; I fell on my knees and wept bitterly. When I returned +to her room, I found her waiting for me; dinner was ready. I took my +place in silence, and not a word was said of what was in our hearts. + + + + +CHAPTER V + +A TORTURED SOUL + +It was Mercanson who had repeated in the village and in the chateau my +conversation with him about Dalens and the suspicions that, in spite of +myself, I had allowed him clearly to see. Every one knows how bad news +travels in the provinces, flying from mouth to mouth and growing as it +flies; that is what had happened in this case. + +Brigitte and I found ourselves face to face with each other in a new +position. However feebly she may have tried to flee, she had +nevertheless made the attempt. It was on account of my prayers that +she remained; there was an obligation implied. I was under oath not +to grieve her either by my jealousy or my levity; every thoughtless or +mocking word that escaped me was a sin, every sorrowful glance from her +was a reproach acknowledged and merited. + +Her simple good-nature gave a charm even to solitude; she could see me +now at all hours without resorting to any precaution. Perhaps she +consented to this arrangement in order to prove to me that she valued her +love more highly than her reputation; she seemed to regret having shown +that she cared for the representations of malice. At any rate, instead +of making any attempt to disarm criticism or thwart curiosity, we lived +the freest kind of life, more regardless of public opinion than ever. + +For some time I kept my word, and not a cloud troubled our life. +These were happy days, but it is not of these that I would speak. + +It was said everywhere about the country that Brigitte was living +publicly with a libertine from Paris; that her lover ill-treated her, +that they spent their time quarrelling, and that she would come to a bad +end. As they had praised Brigitte for her conduct in the past, so they +blamed her now. There was nothing in her past life, even, that was not +picked to pieces and misrepresented. Her lonely tramps over the +mountains, when engaged in works of charity, suddenly became the subject +of quibbles and of raillery. They spoke of her as of a woman who had +lost all human respect and who deserved the frightful misfortunes she was +drawing down on her head. + +I had told Brigitte that it was best to let them talk and pay no +attention to them; but the truth is, it became insupportable to me. +I sometimes tried to catch a word that could be construed as an insult +and to demand an explanation. I listened to whispered conversations in +a salon where I was visiting, but could hear nothing; in order to do us +better justice they waited until I had gone. I returned to Brigitte and +told her that all these stories were mere nonsense; that it was foolish +to notice them; that they could talk about us as much as they pleased and +we would care nothing about it. + +Was I not terribly mistaken? If Brigitte was imprudent, was it not my +place to be cautious and ward off danger? On the contrary, I took, so +to speak, the part of the world against her. + +I began by indifference; I was soon to grow malignant. + +"It is true," I said, "that they speak evil of your nocturnal excursions. +Are you sure that they are wrong? Has nothing happened in those romantic +grottoes and by-paths in the forest? Have you never accepted the arm of +an unknown as you accepted mine? Was it merely charity that served as +your divinity in that beautiful temple of verdure that you visited so +bravely?" + +Brigitte's glance when I adopted this tone I shall never forget; +I shuddered at it myself. "But, bah!" I thought, "she would do the same +thing that my other mistress did--she would point me out as a ridiculous +fool, and I should pay for it all in the eyes of the public." + +Between the man who doubts and the man who denies there is only a step. +All philosophy is akin to atheism. Having told Brigitte that I suspected +her past conduct, I began to regard it with real suspicion. + +I came to imagine that Brigitte was deceiving me, she who never left me +at any hour of the day; I sometimes planned long absences in order to +test her, as I supposed; but in truth it was only to give myself some +excuse for suspicion and mockery. And then I took pleasure in observing +that I had outgrown my foolish jealousy, which was the same as saying +that I no longer esteemed her highly enough to be jealous of her. + +At first I kept such thoughts to myself, but soon found pleasure in +revealing them to Brigitte. We had gone out for a walk: + +"That dress is pretty," I said, "such and such a girl, belonging to one +of my friends, has one like it." + +We were now seated at table. + +"Come, my dear, my former mistress used to sing for me at dessert; you +promised, you know, to imitate her." + +She sat down at the piano. + +"Ah! pardon me, but will you play that waltz that was so popular last +winter? That will remind me of happy times." + +Reader, this lasted six months: for six long months Brigitte, +scandalized, exposed to the insults of the world, had to endure from me +all the wrongs that a wrathful and cruel libertine can inflict on woman. + +After these distressing scenes, in which my own spirit exhausted itself +in suffering and in painful contemplation of the past; after recovering +from that frenzy, a strange access of love, an extreme exaltation, led me +to treat my mistress like an idol, or a divinity. A quarter of an hour +after insulting her I was on my knees before her; when I was not accusing +her of some crime, I was begging her pardon; when I was not mocking, I +was weeping. Then, seized by a delirium of joy, I almost lost my reason +in the violence of my transports; I did not know what to do, what to say, +what to think, in order to repair the evil I had done. I took Brigitte +in my arms, and made her repeat a hundred times that she loved me and +that she pardoned me. I threatened to expiate my evil deeds by blowing +out my brains if I ever ill-treated her again. These periods of +exaltation sometimes lasted several hours, during which time I exhausted +myself in foolish expressions of love and esteem. Then morning came; day +appeared; I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion, and I awakened with a +smile on my lips, mocking at everything, believing in nothing. + +During these terrible hours, Brigitte appeared to forget that there was a +man in me other than the one she saw. When I asked her pardon she +shrugged her shoulders as if to answer: "Do you not know that I pardon +you?" She would not complain as long as a spark of love remained in my +heart; she assured me that all was good and sweet coming from me, insults +as well as tears. + +And yet as time passed my evil grew worse, my moments of malignity and +irony became more sombre and intractable. A real physical fever attended +my outbursts of passion; I awakened trembling in every limb and covered +with cold sweat. Brigitte, too, although she did not complain of it, +began to fail in health. When I started to abuse her she would leave me +without a word and lock herself in her room. Thank God, I never raised +my hand against her; in my most violent moments I would rather have died +than touched her. + +One evening the rain was driving against the windows; we were alone, the +curtains were closed. + +"I am in happy humor this evening," I said to Brigitte, "and yet the +horrible weather saddens me. Let us seek some diversion in spite of the +storm." + +I arose and lighted all the candles I could find. The room was small and +the illumination brilliant. At the same time a bright fire threw out a +stifling heat: + +"Come," I said, "what shall we do while waiting for supper?" + +I happened to remember that it was carnival time in Paris I seemed to see +the carriages filled with masks crossing the boulevards. I heard the +shouts of the crowds before the theatres; I saw the lascivious dances, +the gay costumes, the wine and the folly; all my youth bounded in my +heart. + +"Let us disguise ourselves," I said to Brigitte. "It will be for our own +amusement, but what does that matter? If you have no costumes we can +make them, and pass away the time agreeably." + +We searched in the closet for dresses, cloaks, and artificial flowers; +Brigitte, as usual, was patient and cheerful. We both arranged a sort of +travesty; she wished to dress my hair herself; we painted and powdered +ourselves freely; all that we lacked was found in an old chest that had +belonged, I believe, to the aunt. In an hour we could not recognize each +other. The evening passed in singing, in a thousand follies; toward one +o'clock in the morning it was time for supper. + +We had ransacked all the closets; there was one near me that remained +open. While sitting down at the table, I perceived on a shelf the book +of which I have already spoken, the one in which Brigitte was accustomed +to write. + +"Is it not a collection of your thoughts?" I asked, stretching out my +hand and taking the book down. "If I may, allow me to look at it." + +I opened the book, although Brigitte made a gesture as if to prevent me; +on the first page I read these words: + +"This is my last will and testament." + +Everything was written in a firm hand; I found first a faithful recital +of all that Brigitte had suffered on my account since she had been my +mistress. She announced her firm determination to endure everything, +so long as I loved her, and to die when I left her. Her daily life was +recorded there; what she had lost, what she had hoped, the isolation she +experienced even in my presence, the barrier that was growing up between +us; the cruelties I subjected her to in return for her love and her +resignation. All this was written down without a complaint; on the +contrary she undertook to justify me. Then followed personal details, +the disposition of her effects. She would end her life by poison, she +wrote. She would die by her own hand and expressly forbade that her +death should be charged to me. "Pray for him!" were her last words. + +I found in the closet on the same shelf a little box that I remembered I +had seen before, filled with a fine bluish powder resembling salt. + +"What is this?" I asked of Brigitte, raising the box to my lips. She +gave vent to a scream of terror and threw herself upon me. + +"Brigitte," I said, "bid me farewell. I shall carry this box away with +me; you will forget me, and you will live if you wish to save me from +becoming a murderer. I shall set out this very night; you will agree +with me that God demands it. Give me a last kiss." + +I bent over her and kissed her forehead. + +"Not yet!" she cried, in anguish. But I repulsed her and left the room. + +Three hours later I was ready to set out, and the horses were at the +door. It was still raining when I entered the carriage. At the moment +the carriage was starting, I felt two arms about my body and a sob which +spent itself on my lips. + +It was Brigitte. I did all I could to persuade her to remain; I ordered +the driver to stop; I even told her that I would return to her when time +should have effaced the memory of the wrongs I had done her. I forced +myself to prove to her that yesterday was the same as to-day, to-day as +yesterday; I repeated that I could only render her unhappy, that to +attach herself to me was but to make an assassin of me. I resorted to +prayers, to vows, to threats even; her only reply was: "You are going +away; take me, let us take leave of the country, let us take leave of the +past. We can not live here; let us go elsewhere, wherever you please; +let us go and die together in some remote corner of the world. We must +be happy, I by you, you by me." + +I kissed her with such passion that I feared my heart would burst. + +"Drive on!" I cried to the coachman. We threw ourselves into each +other's arms, and the horses set out at a gallop. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +Adieu, my son, I love you and I die +All philosophy is akin to atheism +And when love is sure of itself and knows response +Can any one prevent a gossip +Each one knows what the other is about to say +Good and bad days succeeded each other almost regularly +Great sorrows neither accuse nor blaspheme--they listen +Happiness of being pursued +He who is loved by a beautiful woman is sheltered from every blow +I neither love nor esteem sadness +It is a pity that you must seek pastimes +Man who suffers wishes to make her whom he loves suffer +No longer esteemed her highly enough to be jealous of her +Pure caprice that I myself mistook for a flash of reason +Quarrel had been, so to speak, less sad than our reconciliation +She pretended to hope for the best +Terrible words; I deserve them, but they will kill me +There are two different men in you +We have had a mass celebrated, and it cost us a large sum +What human word will ever express thy slightest caress +What you take for love is nothing more than desire + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of Child of a Century, v2 +by Alfred de Musset + + + + + + +CONFESSION OF A CHILD OF THE CENTURY +(Confession d'un Enfant du Siecle) + +By ALFRED DE MUSSET + + + +BOOK 3. + + +PART V + +CHAPTER I + +SWEET ANTICIPATIONS + +Having decided on a long tour, we went first to Paris; the necessary +preparations required time, and we took a furnished apartment for one +month. The decision to leave France had changed everything: joy, hope, +confidence, all returned; no more sorrow, no more grief over approaching +separation. We had now nothing but dreams of happiness and vows of +eternal love; I wished, once for all, to make my dear mistress forget all +the suffering I had caused her. How had I been able to resist such proof +of tender affection and courageous resignation? Not only did Brigitte +pardon me, but she was willing to make a still greater sacrifice and +leave everything for me. As I felt myself unworthy of the devotion she +exhibited, I wished to requite her by my love; at last my good angel had +triumphed, and admiration and love resumed their sway in my heart. +Brigitte and I examined a map to determine where we should go and bury +ourselves from the world. We had not yet decided, and we found pleasure +in that very uncertainty; while glancing over the map we said "Where +shall we go? What shall we do? Where shall we begin life anew?" +How shall I tell how deeply I repented my cruelty when I looked upon her +smiling face, a face that laughed at the future, although still pale from +the sorrows of the past! Blissful projects of future joy, you are +perhaps the only true happiness known to man! For eight days we spent +our time making purchases and preparing for our departure; then a young +man presented himself at our apartments: he brought letters to Brigitte. +After their interview I found her sad and distraught; but I could not +guess the cause unless the letters were from N------, that village where +I had confessed my love and where Brigitte's only relatives lived. +Nevertheless, our preparations progressed rapidly and I became impatient +to get away; at the same time I was so happy that I could hardly rest. +When I arose in the morning and the sun was shining through our windows, +I experienced such transports of joy that I was almost intoxicated with +happiness. So anxious was I to prove the sincerity of my love for +Brigitte that I hardly dared kiss the hem of her skirt. Her lightest +words made me tremble as if her voice were strange to me; I alternated +between tears and laughter, and I never spoke of the past except with +horror and disgust. Our room was full of personal effects scattered about +in disorder--albums, pictures, books, and the dear map we loved so much. +We went to and fro about the little apartment; at brief intervals I would +stop and kneel before Brigitte who would call me an idler, saying that +she had to do all the work, and that I was good for nothing; and all +sorts of projects flitted through our minds. Sicily was far away, but +the winters are so delightful there! Genoa is very pretty with its +painted houses, its green gardens, and the Apennines in the background! +But what noise! What crowds! Among every three men on the street, one +is a monk and another a soldier. Florence is sad, it is the Middle Ages +living in the midst of modern life. How can any one endure those grilled +windows and that horrible brown color with which all the houses are +tinted? + +What could we do at Rome? We were not travelling in order to forget +ourselves, much less for the sake of instruction. To the Rhine? But the +season was over, and although we did not care for the world of fashion, +still it is sad to visit its haunts when it has fled. But Spain? Too +many restrictions there; one travels like an army on the march, and may +expect everything except repose. Switzerland? Too many people go there, +and most of them are deceived as to the nature of its attractions; but in +that land are unfolded the three most beautiful colors on God's earth: +the azure of the sky, the verdure of the plains, and the whiteness of the +snows on the summits of glaciers. + +"Let us go, let us go!" cried Brigitte, "let us fly away like two birds. +Let us pretend, my dear Octave, that we met each other only yesterday. +You met me at a ball, I pleased you and I love you; you tell me that some +leagues distant, in a certain little town, you loved a certain Madame +Pierson; what passed between you and her I do not know. You will not +tell me the story of your love for another! And I will whisper to you +that not long since I loved a terrible fellow who made me very unhappy; +you will reprove me and close my mouth, and we will agree never to speak +of such things." + +When Brigitte spoke thus I experienced a feeling that resembled avarice; +I caught her in my arms and cried: + +"Oh, God! I know not whether it is with joy or with fear that I tremble. +I am about to carry off my treasure. Die, my youth; die, all memories of +the past; die, all cares and regrets! Oh, my, good, my brave Brigitte! +You have made a man out of a child. If I lose you now, I shall never +love again. Perhaps, before I knew you, another woman might have cured +me; but now you alone, of all the world, have power to destroy me or to +save me, for I bear in my heart the wound of all the evil I have done +you. I have been an ingrate, blind and cruel. God be praised! You love +me still. If you ever return to that home under whose lindens I first +met you, look carefully about that deserted house; you will find a +phantom there, for the man who left it, and went away with you, is not +the man who entered it." + +"Is it true?" said Brigitte, and her face, all radiant with love, was +raised to heaven; "is it true that I am yours? Yes, far from this odious +world in which you have grown old before your time, yes, my child, you +shall really love. I shall have you as you are, and, wherever we go you +will make me forget the possibility of a day when you will no longer love +me. My mission will have been accomplished, and I shall always be +thankful for it." + +Finally we decided to go to Geneva and then choose some resting place in +the Alps. Brigitte was enthusiastic about the lake; I thought I could +already breathe the air which floats over its surface, and the odor of +the verdure-clad valley; already I beheld Lausanne, Vevey, Oberland, and +in the distance the summits of Monte Rosa and the immense plain of +Lombardy. Already oblivion, repose, travel, all the delights of happy +solitude invited us; already, when in the evening with joined hands, we +looked at each other in silence, we felt rising within us that sentiment +of strange grandeur which takes possession of the heart on the eve of a +long journey, the mysterious and indescribable vertigo which has in it +something of the terrors of exile and the hopes of pilgrimage. Are there +not in the human mind wings that flutter and sonorous chords that +vibrate? How shall I describe it? Is there not a world of meaning in +the simple words: "All is ready, we are about to go"? + +Suddenly Brigitte became languid; she bowed her head in silence. When I +asked her whether she was in pain, she said "No!" in a voice that was +scarcely audible; when I spoke of our departure, she arose, cold and +resigned, and continued her preparations; when I swore to her that she +was going to be happy, and that I would consecrate my life to her, she +shut herself up in her room and wept; when I kissed her she turned pale, +and averted her eyes as my lips approached hers; when I told her that +nothing had yet been done, that it was not too late to renounce our plans, +she frowned severely; when I begged her to open her heart to me and told +her I would die rather than cause her one regret, she threw her arms about +my neck, then stopped and repulsed me as if involuntarily. Finally, +I entered her room holding in my hand a ticket on which our places were +marked for the carriage to Besancon. I approached her and placed it in +her lap; she stretched out her hand, screamed, and fell unconscious at my +feet. + + + + +CHAPTER II + +THE DEMON OF DOUBT + +All my efforts to divine the cause of so unexpected a change were as vain +as the questions I had first asked. Brigitte was ill, and remained +obstinately silent. After an entire day passed in supplication and +conjecture, I went out without knowing where I was going. Passing the +Opera, I entered it from mere force of habit. + +I could pay no attention to what was going on in the theatre, I was so +overwhelmed with grief, so stupefied, that I did not live, so to speak, +except in myself, and exterior objects made no impression on my senses. +All my powers were centred on a single thought, and the more I turned it +over in my head, the less clearly could I distinguish its meaning. + +What obstacle was this that had so suddenly come between us and the +realization of our fondest hopes? If it was merely some ordinary event +or even an actual misfortune, such as an accident or the loss of a +friend, why that obstinate silence? After all that Brigitte had done, +when our dreams seemed about to be realized, what could be the nature of +a secret that destroyed our happiness and could not be confided to me? +What! to conceal it from me! And yet I could not find it in my heart to +suspect her. The appearance of suspicion revolted me and filled me with +horror. On the other hand, how could I conceive of inconstancy or of +caprice in that woman, as I knew her? I was lost in an abyss of doubt, +and I could not discover a gleam of light, the smallest point, on which +to base conjecture. + +In front of me in the gallery sat a young man whose face was not unknown +to me. As often happens when one is preoccupied, I looked at him without +thinking of him as a personal identity or trying to fit a name on him. +Suddenly I recognized him: it was he who had brought letters to Brigitte +from N------. I arose and started to accost him without thinking what I +was doing. He occupied a place that I could not reach without disturbing +a large number of spectators, and I was forced to await the entr'acte. + +My first thought was that if any one could enlighten me it was this young +man. He had had several interviews with Madame Pierson in the last few +days, and I recalled the fact that she was always much depressed after +his visits. He had seen her the morning of the day she was taken ill. + +The letters he brought Brigitte had not been shown me; it was possible +that he knew the reason why our departure was delayed. Perhaps he did +not know all the circumstances, but he could doubtless enlighten me as to +the contents of those letters, and there was no reason why I should +hesitate to question him. When the curtain fell, I followed him to the +foyer; I do not know that he saw me coming, but he hastened away and +entered a box. I determined to wait until he should come out, and stood +looking at the box for fifteen minutes. At last he appeared. I bowed +and approached him. He hesitated a moment, then turned and disappeared +down a stairway. + +My desire to speak to him had been too evident to admit of any other +explanation than deliberate intention on his part to avoid me. He surely +knew my face, and, whether he knew it or not, a man who sees another +approaching him ought, at least, to wait for him. We were the only +persons in the corridor at the time, and there could be no doubt he did +not wish to speak to me. I did not dream of such impertinent treatment +from a man whom I had cordially received at my apartments; why should he +insult me? He could have no other excuse than a desire to avoid an +awkward interview, during which questions might be asked which he did not +care to answer. But why? This second mystery troubled me almost as much +as the first. Although I tried to drive the thought from my head, that +young man's action in avoiding me seemed to have some connection with +Brigitte's obstinate silence. + +Of all torments uncertainty is the most difficult to endure, and during +my life I have exposed myself to many dangers because I could not wait +patiently. When I returned to my apartments I found Brigitte reading +those same fateful letters from N------. I told her that I could not +remain longer in suspense, and that I wished to be relieved from it at +any cost; that I desired to know the cause of the sudden change which had +taken place in her, and that, if she refused to speak, I should look upon +her silence as a positive refusal to go abroad with me and an order for +me to leave her forever. + +She reluctantly handed me the letters she was reading. Her relatives had +written her that her departure had disgraced them, that every one knew +the circumstances, and that they felt it their duty to warn her of the +consequences; that she was living openly as my mistress, and that, +although she was a widow and free to do as she chose, she ought to think +of the name she bore; that neither they nor her old friends would ever +see her again if she persisted in her course; finally, by all sorts of +threats and entreaties, they urged her to return. + +The tone of the letter angered me, and at first I took it as an insult. + +"And that young man who brings you these remonstrances," I cried, +"doubtless has orders to deliver them personally, and does not fail to do +his own part to the best of his ability. Am I not right?" + +Brigitte's dejection made me reflect and calm my wrath. + +"You will do as you wish, and achieve my ruin," she said. "My fate rests +with you; you have been for a long time my master. Avenge as you please +the last effort my old friends have made to recall me to reason, to the +world that I formerly respected, to the honor that I have lost. I have +not a word to say, and if you wish to dictate my reply, I will obey you." + +"I care to know nothing," I replied, "but your intentions; it is for me +to comply with your wishes, and I assure you I am ready to do it. Tell +me, do you desire to remain, to go away, or shall I go alone?" + +"Why that question?" asked Brigitte; "have I said that I had changed my +mind? I am suffering, and can not travel in my present condition, but +when I recover we will go to Geneva as we have planned." + +We separated at these words, and the coldness with which she had +expressed her resolution saddened me more than usual. It was not the +first time our liaison had been threatened by her relatives; but up to +this time whatever letters Brigitte had received she had never taken them +so much to heart. How could I bring myself to believe that Brigitte had +been so affected by protests which in less happy moments had had no +effect on her? Could it be merely the weakness of a woman who recoils +from an act of final significance? "I will do as you please," she had +said. No, it does not please me to demand patience, and rather than look +at that sorrowful face even a week longer, unless she speaks I will set +out alone. + +Fool that I was! Had I the strength to do it? I did not close my eyes +that night, and the next morning I resolved to call on that young man I +had seen at the opera. I do not know whether it was wrath or curiosity +that impelled me to this course, nor did I know just what I desired to +learn of him; but I reflected that he could not avoid me this time, and +that was all I desired. + +As I did not know his address, I asked Brigitte for it, pretending that I +felt under an obligation to call on him after all the visits he had made +us; I had not said a word about my experience at the opera. Brigitte's +eyes betrayed signs of tears. When I entered her room she held out her +hand and said: + +"What do you wish?" + +Her voice was sad but tender. We exchanged a few kind words, and I set +out less unhappy. + +The name of the young man I was going to see was Smith; he was living +near us. When I knocked at his door, I experienced a strange sensation +of uneasiness; I was dazed as though by a sudden flash of light. His +first gesture froze my blood. He was in bed, and with the same accent +Brigitte had employed, with a face as pale and haggard as hers, he held +out his hand and said: + +"What do you wish?" + +Say what you please, there are things in a man's life which reason can +not explain. I sat as still as if awakened from a dream, and began to +repeat his questions. Why, in fact, had I come to see him? How could I +tell him what had brought me there? Even if he had anything to tell me, +how did I know he would speak? He had brought letters from N------, +and knew those who had written them. But it cost me an effort to +question him, and I feared he would suspect what was in my mind. Our +first words were polite and insignificant. I thanked him for his +kindness in bringing letters to Madame Pierson; I told him that upon +leaving France we would ask him to do the same favor for us; and then we +were silent, surprised to find ourselves vis-a-vis. + +I looked about me in embarrassment. His room was on the fourth floor; +everything indicated honest and industrious poverty. Some books, musical +instruments, papers, a table and a few chairs, that was all, but +everything was well cared for and presented an agreeable ensemble. + +As for him, his frank and animated face predisposed me in his favor. On +the mantel I observed a picture of an old lady. I stepped up to look at +it, and he said it was his mother. + +I then recalled that Brigitte had often spoken of him; she had known him +since childhood. Before I came to the country she used to see him +occasionally at N------, but at the time of her last visit there he was +away. It was, therefore, only by chance that I had learned some +particulars of his life, which now came to mind. He had an honest +employment that enabled him to support his mother and sister. + +His treatment of these two women deserved the highest praise; he deprived +himself of everything for them, and although he possessed musical talents +that would have enabled him to make a fortune, the immediate needs of +those dependent on him, and an extreme reserve, had always led him to +prefer an assured income to the uncertain chances of success in larger +ventures. + +In a word, he belonged to that small class who live quietly, and who are +worth more to the world than those who do not appreciate them. I had +learned of certain traits in his character which will serve to paint the +man he had fallen in love with a beautiful girl in the neighborhood, and, +after a year of devotion to her, had secured her parents' consent to +their union. She was as poor as he. The contract was ready to be +signed, the preparations for the wedding were complete, when his mother +said: + +"And your sister? Who will marry her?" + +That simple remark made him understand that if he married he would spend +all his money in the household expenses and his sister would have no +dowry. He broke off the engagement, bravely renouncing his happy +prospects; he then came to Paris. + +When I heard that story I wished to see the hero. That simple, +unassuming act of devotion seemed to me more admirable than all the +glories of war. + +The more I examined that young man, the less I felt inclined to broach +the subject nearest my heart. The idea which had first occurred to me, +that he would harm me in Brigitte's eyes, vanished at once. Gradually my +thoughts took another course; I looked at him attentively, and it seemed +to me that he was also examining me with curiosity. + +We were both twenty-one years of age, but what a difference between us! +He, accustomed to an existence regulated by the graduated tick of the +clock; never having seen anything of life, except that part of it which +lies between an obscure room on the fourth floor and a dingy government +office; sending his mother all his savings, that farthing of human joy +which the hand of toil clasps so greedily; having no thought except for +the happiness of others, and that since his childhood, since he had been +a babe in arms! And I, during that precious time, so swift, +so inexorable, during the time that with him had been a round of toil, +what had I done? Was I a man? Which of us had lived? + +What I have said in a page can be comprehended in a moment. He spoke to +me of our journey and the countries we were going to visit. + +"When do you go?" he asked. + +"I do not know; Madame Pierson is indisposed, and has been confined to +her bed for three days." + +"For three days!" he repeated, in surprise. + +"Yes; why are you astonished?" + +He arose and threw himself on me, his arms extended, his eyes fixed. He +was trembling violently. + +"Are you ill?" I asked, taking him by the hand. He pressed his hand to +his head and burst into tears. When he had recovered sufficiently to +speak, he said: + +"Pardon me; be good enough to leave me. I fear I am not well; when I +have sufficiently recovered I will return your visit." + + + + +CHAPTER III + +THE QUESTION OF SMITH + +Brigitte was better. She had told me that she desired to go away as soon +as she was well enough to travel. But I insisted that she ought to rest +at least fifteen days before undertaking a long journey. + +Whenever I attempted to persuade her to speak frankly, she assured me +that the letter was the only cause of her melancholy, and begged me to +say nothing more about it. Then I tried in vain to guess what was +passing in her heart. We went to the theatre every night in order to +avoid embarrassing interviews. There we sometimes pressed each other's +hands at some fine bit of acting or beautiful strain of music, or +exchanged, perhaps, a friendly glance, but going and returning we were +mute, absorbed in our thoughts. + +Smith came almost every day. Although his presence in the house had been +the cause of all my sorrow, and although my visit to him had left +singular suspicions in my mind, still his apparent good faith and his +simplicity reassured me. I had spoken to him of the letters he had +brought, and he did not appear offended, but saddened. He was ignorant +of the contents, and his friendship for Brigitte led him to censure them +severely. He would have refused to carry them, he said, had he known +what they contained. On account of Brigitte's tone of reserve in his +presence, I did not think he was in her confidence. + +I therefore welcomed him with pleasure, although there was always a sort +of awkward embarrassment in our meeting. He was asked to act as +intermediary between Brigitte and her relatives after our departure. +When we three were together he noticed a certain coldness and restraint +which he endeavored to banish by cheerful good-humor. If he spoke of our +liaison it was with respect and as a man who looks upon love as a sacred +bond; in fact, he was a kind friend, and inspired me with full +confidence. + +But despite all this, despite all his efforts, he was sad, and I could +not get rid of strange thoughts that came to my mind. The tears I had +seen that young man shed, his illness coming on at the same time as +Brigitte's, I know not what melancholy sympathy I thought I discovered +between them, troubled and disquieted me. Not over a month ago I would +have become violently jealous; but now, of what could I suspect Brigitte? +Whatever the secret she was concealing from me, was she not going away +with me? Even were it possible that Smith could share some secret of +which I knew nothing, what could be the nature of the mystery? What was +there to be censured in their sadness and in their friendship? + +She had known him as a child; she met him again after long years just +as she was about to leave France; she chanced to be in an unfortunate +situation, and fate decreed that he should be the instrument of adding +to her sorrow. Was it not natural that they should exchange sorrowful +glances, that the sight of this young man should awaken memories and +regrets? Could he, on the other hand, see her start off on a long +journey, proscribed and almost abandoned, without grave apprehensions? +I felt this that must be the explanation, and that it was my duty to +assure them that I was capable of protecting the one from all dangers, +and of requiting the other for the services he had rendered. And yet a +deadly chill oppressed me, and I could not determine what course to +pursue. + +When Smith left us in the evening, we either were silent or talked of +him. I do not know what fatal attraction led me to ask about him +continually. She, however, told me just what I have told my reader; +Smith's life had never been other than it was now--poor, obscure, and +honest. I made her repeat the story of his life a number of times, +without knowing why I took such an interest in it. + +There was in my heart a secret cause of sorrow which I would not confess. +If that young man had arrived at the time of our greatest happiness, had +he brought an insignificant letter to Brigitte, had he pressed her hand +while assisting her into the carriage, would I have paid the least +attention to it? Had he recognized me at the opera or had he not--had he +shed tears for some unknown reason, what would it matter so long as I was +happy? But while unable to divine the cause of Brigitte's sorrow, I saw +that my past conduct, whatever she might say of it, had something to do +with her present state. If I had been what I ought to have been for the +last six months that we had lived together, nothing in the world, I was +persuaded, could have troubled our love. + +Smith was only an ordinary man, but he was good and devoted; his simple +and modest qualities resembled the large, pure lines which the eye seizes +at the first glance; one could know him in a quarter of an hour, and he +inspired confidence if not admiration. I could not help thinking that if +he were Brigitte's lover, she would cheerfully go with him to the ends of +the earth. + +I had deferred our departure purposely, but now I began to regret it. +Brigitte, too, at times urged me to hasten the day. + +"Why do you wait?" she asked. "Here I am recovered and everything is +ready." + +Why did we wait, indeed? I do not know. + +Seated near the fire, my eyes wandered from Smith to my loved one. I saw +that they were both pale, serious, silent. I did not know why, and I +could not help thinking that there was but one cause, or one secret to +learn. This was not one of those vague, sickly suspicions, such as had +formerly tormented me, but an instinct, persistent and fatal. What +strange creatures are we! It pleased me to leave them alone before the +fire, and to go out on the quay to dream, leaning on the parapet and +looking at the water. When they spoke of their life at N------, and when +Brigitte, almost cheerful, assumed a motherly air to recall some incident +of their childhood days, it seemed to me that I suffered, and yet took +pleasure in it. I asked questions; I spoke to Smith of his mother, of +his plans and his prospects; I gave him an opportunity to show himself in +a favorable light, and forced his modesty to reveal his merit. + +"You love your sister very much, do you not?" I asked. "When do you +expect to marry her off?" + +He blushed, and replied that his expenses were rather heavy and that it +would probably be within two years, perhaps sooner, if his health would +permit him to do some extra work which would bring in enough to provide +her dowry; that there was a well-to-do family in the country, whose +eldest son was her sweetheart; that they were almost agreed on it, and +that fortune would one day come, like sleep, without thinking of it; that +he had set aside for his sister a part of the money left by their father; +that their mother was opposed to it, but that he would insist on it; that +a young man can live from hand to mouth, but that the fate of a young +girl is fixed on the day of her marriage. Thus, little by little, he +expressed what was in his heart, and I watched Brigitte listening to him. +Then, when he arose to leave us, I accompanied him to the door, and stood +there, pensively listening to the sound of his footsteps on the stairs. + +Upon examining our trunks we found that there were still a few things +needed before we could start; Smith was asked to purchase them. He was +remarkably active, and enjoyed attending to matters of this kind. When I +returned to my apartments, I found him on the floor, strapping a trunk. +Brigitte was at the piano we had rented by the week during our stay. She +was playing one of those old airs into which she put so much expression, +and which were so dear to us. I stopped in the hall; every note reached +my ear distinctly; never had she sung so sadly, so divinely. + +Smith was listening with pleasure; he was on his knees holding the buckle +of the strap in his hands. He fastened it, then looked about the room at +the other goods he had packed and covered with a linen cloth. Satisfied +with his work, he still remained kneeling in the same spot; Brigitte, her +hands on the keys, was looking out at the horizon. For the second time I +saw tears fall from the young man's eyes; I was ready to shed tears +myself, and not knowing what was passing in me, I held out my hand to +him. + +"Were you there?" asked Brigitte. She trembled and seemed surprised. + +"Yes, I was there," I replied. "Sing, my dear, I beg of you. Let me +hear your sweet voice." + +She continued her song without a word; she noticed my emotion as well as +Smith's; her voice faltered. With the last notes she arose, and came to +me and kissed me. + +On another occasion I had brought an album containing views of +Switzerland. We were looking at them, all three of us, and when Brigitte +found a scene that pleased her, she would stop to examine it. There was +one view that seemed to attract her more than the others; it was a +certain spot in the canton of Vaud, some distance from Brigues; some +trees with cows grazing in the shade; in the distance a village +consisting of some dozen houses, scattered here and there. In the +foreground a young girl with a large straw hat, seated under a tree, and +a farmer's boy standing before her, apparently pointing out, with his +iron-tipped stick, the route over which he had come; he was directing her +attention to a winding path that led to the mountain. Above them were +the Alps, and the picture was crowned by three snow-capped summits. +Nothing could be more simple or more beautiful than this landscape. The +valley resembled a lake of verdure, and the eye followed its contour with +delight. + +"Shall we go there?" I asked Brigitte. I took a pencil and traced some +figures on the picture. + +"What are you doing?" she asked. + +"I am trying to see if I can not change that face slightly and make it +resemble yours. The pretty hat would become you, and can I not, if I am +skilful, give that fine mountaineer some resemblance to me?" + +The whim seemed to please her and she set about rubbing out the two +faces. When I had painted her portrait, she wished to try mine. The +faces were very small, hence not very difficult; it was agreed that the +likenesses were striking. While we were laughing at it, the door opened +and I was called away by the servant. + +When I returned, Smith was leaning on the table and looking at the +picture with interest. He was absorbed in a profound revery, and was not +aware of my presence; I sat down near the fire, and it was not until I +spoke to Brigitte that he raised his head. He looked at us a moment, +then hastily took his leave and, as he approached the door, I saw him +strike his forehead with his hand. + +When I saw these signs of grief, I said to myself "What does it mean?" +Then I clasped my hands to plead with--whom? I do not know; perhaps my +good angel, perhaps my evil fate. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + +IN THE FURNACE + +My heart yearned to set out and yet I delayed; some secret influence +rooted me to the spot. + +When Smith came I knew no repose from the time he entered the room. How +is it that sometimes we seem to enjoy unhappiness? + +One day a word, a flush, a glance, made me shudder; another day, another +glance, another word, threw me into uncertainty. Why were they both so +sad? Why was I as motionless as a statue where I had formerly been +violent? Every evening in bed I said to myself: "Let me see; let me +think that over." Then I would spring up, crying: "Impossible!" The +next day I did the same thing. + +In Smith's presence, Brigitte treated me with more tenderness than when +we were alone. It happened one evening that some hard words escaped us; +when she heard his voice in the hall she came and sat on my knees. +As for him, it seemed to me he was always making an effort to control +himself. His gestures were carefully regulated; he spoke slowly and +prudently, so that his occasional moments of forgetfulness seemed all the +more striking. + +Was it curiosity that tormented me? I remember that one day I saw a man +drowning near the Pont Royal. It was midsummer and we were rowing on the +river; some thirty boats were crowded together under the bridge, when +suddenly one of the occupants of a boat near mine threw up his hands and +fell overboard. We immediately began diving for him, but in vain; some +hours later the body was found under a raft. + +I shall never forget my experience as I was diving for that man. I +opened my eyes under the water and searched painfully here and there in +the dark corners about the pier; then I returned to the surface for +breath, then resumed my horrible search. I was filled with hope and +terror; the thought that I might feel myself seized by convulsive arms +allured me, and at the same time thrilled me with horror; when I was +exhausted with fatigue, I climbed back into my boat. + +Unless a man is brutalized by debauchery, eager curiosity is one of his +marked traits. I have already remarked that I felt it on the occasion of +my first visit to Desgenais. I will explain my meaning. + +The truth, that skeleton of appearances, ordains that every man, +whatsoever he be, shall come, in his day and hour, to touch the bones +that lie forever at the bottom of some chance experience. It is called +"knowing the world," and experience is purchased at that price. Some +recoil in terror before that test; others, feeble and affrighted, +vacillate. like shadows. Some, the best perhaps, die at once. The +large number forget, and thus all float on to death. + +But there are some men, who, at the fell stroke of chance, neither die +nor forget; when it comes their turn to touch misfortune, otherwise +called truth, they approach it with a firm step and outstretched hand, +and, horrible to say! they mistake love for the livid corpse they have +found at the bottom of the river. They seize it, feel it, clasp it in +their arms; they are drunk with the desire to know; they no longer look +with interest upon things, except to see them pass; they do nothing +except doubt and test; they ransack the world as though they were God's +spies; they sharpen their thoughts into arrows, and give birth to a +monster. + +Roues, more than all others, are exposed to that fury, and the reason is +very simple: ordinary life is the limpid surface, that of the roue is the +rapid current swirling over and over, and at times touching the bottom. +Coming from a ball, for instance, where they have danced with a modest +girl, they seek the company of bad characters, and spend the night in +riotous feasting. The last words they addressed to a beautiful and +virtuous woman are still on their lips; they repeat them and burst into +laughter. Shall I say it? Do they not raise, for some pieces of silver, +the vesture of chastity, that robe so full of mystery, which respects the +being it embellishes and engirds her without touching? What idea can +they have of the world? They are like comedians in the greenroom. +Who, more than they, is skilled in that delving to the bottom of things, +in that groping at once profound and impious? See how they speak of +everything; always in terms the most barren, crude, and abject; +such words appear true to them; the rest is only parade, convention, +prejudice. Let them tell a story, let them recount some experience, +they will always use the same dirty and material expressions. They do +not say "That woman loved me;" they say: "I betrayed that woman;" they do +not say: "I love;" they say, "I desire;" they never say: "If God wills;" +they say: "If I will." I do not know what they think of themselves and +of such monologues as these. + +Hence, of a necessity, either from idleness or curiosity, while they +strive to find evil in everything, they do not comprehend that others +still believe in the good. Therefore they have to be so nonchalant as to +stop their ears, lest the hum of the busy world should suddenly startle +them from sleep. The father allows his son to go where so many others +go, where Cato himself went; he says that youth is but fleeting. +But when he returns, the youth looks upon his sister; and see what has +taken place in him during an hour passed in the society of brutal +reality! He says to himself: "My sister is not like that creature I have +just left!" And from that day he is disturbed and uneasy. + +Sinful curiosity is a vile malady born of impure contact. It is the +prowling instinct of phantoms who raise the lids of tombs; it is an +inexplicable torture with which God punishes those who have sinned; +they wish to believe that all sin as they have done, and would be +disappointed perhaps to find that it was not so. But they inquire, +they search, they dispute; they wag their heads from side to side as does +an architect who adjusts a column, and thus strive to find what they +desire to find. Given proof of evil, they laugh at it; doubtful of evil, +they swear that it exists; the good they refuse to recognize. +"Who knows?" Behold the grand formula, the first words that Satan spoke +when he saw heaven closing against him. Alas! for how many evils are +those words responsible? How many disasters and deaths, how many strokes +of fateful scythes in the ripening harvest of humanity! How many hearts, +how many families where there is naught but ruin, since that word was +first heard! "Who knows! Who knows!" Loathsome words! Rather than +pronounce them one should be as sheep who graze about the slaughter-house +and know it not. That is better than to be called a strong spirit, and +to read La Rochefoucauld. + +What better illustration could I present than the one I have just given? +My mistress was ready to set out and I had but to say the word. Why did +I delay? What would have been the result if I had started at once on our +trip? Nothing but a moment of apprehension that would have been +forgotten after travelling three days. When with me, she had no thought +but of me; why should I care to solve a mystery that did not threaten my +happiness? + +She would have consented, and that would have been the end of it. A kiss +on her lips and all would be well; instead of that, see what I did. + +One evening when Smith had dined with us, I retired at an early hour and +left them together. As I closed my door I heard Brigitte order some tea. +In the morning I happened to approach her table, and, sitting beside the +teapot, I saw but one cup. No one had been in that room before me that +morning, so the servant could not have carried away anything that had +been used the night before. I searched everywhere for a second cup but +could find none. + +"Did Smith stay late?" I asked of Brigitte. + +"He left about midnight." + +"Did you retire alone or did you call some one to assist you?" + +"I retired alone; every one in the house was asleep." + +I continued my search and my hands trembled. In what burlesque comedy is +there a jealous lover so stupid as to inquire what has become of a cup? +Why seek to discover whether Smith and Madame Pierson had drunk from the +same cup? What a brilliant idea that! + +Nevertheless I found the cup and I burst into laughter, and threw it on +the floor with such violence that it broke into a thousand pieces. +I ground the pieces under my feet. + +Brigitte looked at me without saying a word. During the two succeeding +days she treated me with a coldness that had something of contempt in it, +and I saw that she treated Smith with more deference and kindness than +usual. She called him Henri and smiled on him sweetly. + +"I feel that the air would do me good," she said after dinner; "shall we +go to the opera, Octave? I would enjoy walking that far." + +"No, I will stay here; go without me." She took Smith's arm and went +out. I remained alone all evening; I had paper before me, and was trying +to collect my thoughts in order to write, but in vain. + +As a lonely lover draws from his bosom a letter from his mistress, and +loses himself in delightful revery, thus I shut myself up in solitude and +yielded to the sweet allurement of doubt. Before me were the two empty +seats which Brigitte and Smith had just occupied; I scrutinized them +anxiously as if they could tell me something. I revolved in my mind all +the things I had heard and seen; from time to time I went to the door and +cast my eyes over our trunks which had been piled against the wall for a +month; I opened them and examined the contents so carefully packed away +by those delicate little hands; I listened to the sound of passing +carriages; the slightest noise made me tremble. I spread out on the +table our map of Europe, and there, in the very presence of all my hopes, +in that room where I had conceived and had so nearly realized them, I +abandoned myself to the most frightful presentiments. + +But, strange as it may seem, I felt neither anger nor jealousy, but a +terrible sense of sorrow and foreboding. I did not suspect, and yet I +doubted. The mind of man is so strangely formed that, with what he sees +and in spite of what he sees, he can conjure up a hundred objects of woe. +In truth his brain resembles the dungeons of the Inquisition, where the +walls are covered with so many instruments of torture that one is dazed, +and asks whether these horrible contrivances he sees before him are +pincers or playthings. Tell me, I say, what difference is there in +saying to my mistress: "All women deceive," or, "You deceive me?" + +What passed through my mind was perhaps as subtle as the finest +sophistry; it was a sort of dialogue between the mind and the conscience. +"If I should lose Brigitte?" I said to the mind." She departs with +you," said the conscience." If she deceives me?"--"How can she deceive +you? Has she not made out her will asking for prayers for you?"--"If +Smith loves her?"--"Fool! What does it matter so long as you know that +she loves you?"--"If she loves me why is she sad?"--"That is her secret, +respect it."--"If I take her away with me, will she be happy?"--"Love her +and she will be."--" Why, when that man looks at her, does she seem to +fear to meet his glance?"--" Because she is a woman and he is young."-- +"Why does that young man turn pale when she looks at him?"--"Because he +is a man and she is beautiful."--"Why, when I went to see him did he +throw himself into my arms, and why did he weep and beat his head with +his hands?"--"Do not seek to know what you must remain ignorant of."-- +"Why can I not know these things?"--" Because you are miserable and weak, +and all mystery is of God." + +"But why is it that I suffer? Why is it that my soul recoils in terror?" +--"Think of your father and do good."--"But why am I unable to do as he +did? Why does evil attract me to itself?"--"Get down on your knees and +confess; if you believe in evil it is because your ways have been evil." +--"If my ways were evil, was it my fault? Why did the good betray me?"-- +"Because you are in the shadow, would you deny the existence of light? +If there are traitors, why are you one of them?"--"Because I am afraid of +becoming the dupe."--"Why do you spend your nights in watching? Why are +you alone now?"--"Because I think, I doubt, and I fear."--"When will you +offer your prayer?"--"When I believe. Why have they lied to me?"-- +"Why do you lie, coward! at this very moment? Why not die if you can not +suffer?" + +Thus spoke and groaned within me two voices, voices that were defiant and +terrible; and then a third voice cried out! "Alas! Alas! my innocence! +Alas! Alas! the days that were!" + + + + +CHAPTER V + +TRUTH AT LAST + +What a frightful weapon is human thought! It is our defense and our +safeguard, the most precious gift that God has made us. It is ours and +it obeys us; we may launch it forth into space, but, once outside of our +feeble brains, it is gone; we can no longer control it. + +While I was deferring the time of our departure from day to day I was +gradually losing strength, and, although I did not perceive it, my vital +forces were slowly wasting away. When I sat at table I experienced a +violent distaste for food; at night two pale faces, those of Brigitte and +Smith, pursued me through frightful dreams. When they went to the +theatre in the evening I refused to go with them; then I went alone, +concealed myself in the parquet, and watched them. I pretended that I +had some business to attend to in a neighboring room and sat there an +hour and listened to them. The idea occurred to me to seek a quarrel +with Smith and force him to fight with me; I turned my back on him while +he was talking; then he came to me with a look of surprise on his face, +holding out his hand. When I was alone in the night and every one slept, +I felt a strong desire to go to Brigitte's desk and take from it her +papers. On one occasion I was obliged to go out of the house in order to +resist the temptation. One day I felt like arming myself with a knife +and threatening to kill them if they did not tell me why they were so +sad; another day I turned all this fury against myself. With what shame +do I write it! And if any one should ask me why I acted thus, I could +not reply. + +To see, to doubt, to search, to torture myself and make myself miserable, +to pass entire days with my ear at the keyhole, and the night in a flood +of tears, to repeat over and over that I should die of sorrow, to feel +isolation and feebleness uprooting hope in my heart, to imagine that I +was spying when I was only listening to the feverish beating of my own +pulse; to con over stupid phrases, such as: "Life is a dream, there is +nothing stable here below;" to curse and blaspheme God through misery and +through caprice: that was my joy, the precious occupation for which I +renounced love, the air of heaven, and liberty! + +Eternal God, liberty! Yes, there were certain moments when, in spite of +all, I still thought of it. In the midst of my madness, eccentricity, +and stupidity, there were within me certain impulses that at times +brought me to myself. It was a breath of air which struck my face as I +came from my dungeon; it was a page of a book I read when, in my bitter +days, I happened to read something besides those modern sycophants called +pamphleteers, who, out of regard for the public health, ought to be +prevented from indulging in their crude philosophizings. Since I have +referred to these good moments, let me mention one of them, they were so +rare. One evening I was reading the Memoirs of Constant; I came to the +following lines: + +"Salsdorf, a Saxon surgeon attached to Prince Christian, had his leg +broken by a shell in the battle of Wagram. He lay almost lifeless on the +dusty field. Fifteen paces distant, Amedee of Kerbourg, aide-de-camp (I +have forgotten to whom), wounded in the breast by a bullet, fell to the +ground vomiting blood. Salsdorf saw that if that young man was not cared +for he would die of suffusion; summoning all his powers, he painfully +dragged himself to the side of the wounded man, attended to him and saved +his life. Salsdorf himself died four days later from the effects of +amputation." + +When I read these words I threw down my book, and melted into tears. + +I do not regret those tears, for they were such as I could shed only when +my heart was right; I do not speak merely of Salsdorf, and do not care +for that particular instance. I am sure, however, that I did not suspect +any one that day. Poor dreamer! Ought I to remember that I have been +other than I am? What good will it do me as I stretch out my arms in +anguish to heaven and wait for the bolt that will deliver me forever? +Alas! it was only a gleam that flashed across the night of my life. + +Like those dervish fanatics who find ecstasy in vertigo, so thought, +turning on itself, exhausted by the stress of introspection and tired of +vain effort, falls terror-stricken. So it would seem that man must be a +void and that by dint of delving unto himself he reaches the last turn of +a spiral. There, as on the summits of mountains and at the bottom of +mines, air fails, and God forbids man to go farther. Then, struck with a +mortal chill, the heart, as if impaired by oblivion, seeks to escape into +a new birth; it demands life of that which environs it, it eagerly drinks +in the air; but it finds round about only its own chimeras, which have +exhausted its failing powers and which, self-created, surround it like +pitiless spectres. + +This could not last long. Tired of uncertainty, I resolved to resort to +a test that would discover the truth. + +I ordered post-horses for ten in the evening. We had hired a caleche and +I gave directions that all should be ready at the hour indicated. At the +same time I asked that nothing be said to Madame Pierson. Smith came to +dinner; at the table I affected unusual cheerfulness, and without a word +about my plans, I turned the conversation to our journey. I would +renounce all idea of going away, I said, if I thought Brigitte did not +care to go; I was so well satisfied with Paris that I asked nothing +better than to remain as long as she pleased. I made much of all the +pleasures of the city; I spoke of the balls, the theatres, of the many +opportunities for diversion on every hand. In short, since we were happy +I did not see why we should make a change; and I did not think of going +away at present. + +I was expecting her to insist that we carry out our plan of going to +Geneva, and was not disappointed. However, she insisted but feebly; but, +after a few words, I pretended to yield, and then changing the subject I +spoke of other things, as though it was all settled. + +"And why will not Smith go with us?" I asked. "It is very true that he +has duties here, but can he not obtain leave of absence? Moreover, will +not the talents he possesses and which he is unwilling to use, assure him +an honorable living anywhere? Let him come along with us; the carriage +is large and we offer him a place in it. A young man should see the +world, and there is nothing so irksome for a man of his age as +confinement in an office and restriction to a narrow circle. Is it not +true?" I asked, turning to Brigitte. "Come, my dear, let your wiles +obtain from him what he might refuse me; urge him to give us six weeks of +his time. We will travel together, and after a tour of Switzerland he +will return to his duties with new life." + +Brigitte joined her entreaties to mine, although she knew it was only a +joke on my part. Smith could not leave Paris without danger of losing +his position, and replied that he regretted being obliged to deny himself +the pleasure of accompanying us. Nevertheless I continued to press him, +and, ordering another bottle of wine, I repeated my invitation. After +dinner I went out to assure myself that my orders were carried out; then +I returned in high spirits, and seating myself at the piano I proposed +some music. + +"Let us pass the evening here," I said; "believe me, it is better than +going to the theatre; I can not take part myself, but I can listen. We +will make Smith play if he tires of our company, and the time will pass +pleasantly." + +Brigitte consented with good grace and began singing for us; Smith +accompanied her on the violoncello. The materials for a bowl of punch +were brought and the flame of burning rum soon cheered us with varied +lights. The piano was abandoned for the table; then we had cards; +everything passed off as I wished and we succeeded in diverting ourselves +to my heart's content. + +I had my eyes fixed on the clock and waited impatiently for the hands to +mark the hour of ten. I was tormented with anxiety, but allowed them to +see nothing. Finally the hour arrived; I heard the postilion's whip as +the horses entered the court. Brigitte was seated near me; I took her by +the hand and asked her if she was ready to depart. She looked at me with +surprise, doubtless wondering if I was not joking. I told her that at +dinner she had appeared so anxious to go that I had felt justified in +sending for the horses, and that I went out for that purpose when I left +the table. + +"Are you serious?" asked Brigitte; "do you wish to set out to-night?" + +"Why not?" I replied, "since we have agreed that we ought to leave +Paris?" + +"What! now? At this very moment?" + +"Certainly; have we not been ready for a month? You see there is nothing +to do but load our trunks on the carriage; as we have decided to go, +ought we not go at once? I believe it is better to go now and put off +nothing until tomorrow. You are in the humor to travel to-night and I +hasten to profit by it. Why wait longer and continue to put it off? I +can not endure this life. You wish to go, do you not? Very well, let us +go and be done with it." + +Profound silence ensued. Brigitte stepped to the window and satisfied +herself that the carriage was there. Moreover, the tone in which I spoke +would admit of no doubt, and, however hasty my action may appear to her, +it was due to her own expressed desire. She could not deny her own +words, nor find any pretext for further delay. Her decision was made +promptly; she asked a few questions as though to assure herself that all +the preparations had been made; seeing that nothing had been omitted, she +began to search here and there. She found her hat and shawl, then +continued her search. + +"I am ready," she said; "shall we go? We are really going?" + +She took a light, went to my room, to her own, opened lockers and +closets. She asked for the key to her secretary which she said she had +lost. Where could that key be? She had it in her possession not an hour +ago. + +"Come, come! I am ready," she repeated in extreme agitation; "let us go, +Octave, let us set out at once." + +While speaking she continued her search and then came and sat down near +us. + +I was seated on the sofa watching Smith, who stood before me. He had not +changed countenance and seemed neither troubled nor surprised; but two +drops of sweat trickled down his forehead, and I heard an ivory counter +crack between his fingers, the pieces falling to the floor. He held out +both hands to us. + +"Bon voyage, my friends!" he said. + +Again silence; I was still watching him, waiting for him to add a word. +"If there is some secret here," thought I, "when shall I learn it, if not +now? It must be on the lips of both of them. Let it but come out into +the light and I will seize it." + +"My dear Octave," said Brigitte, "where are we to stop? You will write +to us, Henri, will you not? You will not forget my relatives and will do +what you can for me?" He replied in a voice that trembled slightly that +he would do all in his power to serve her. + +"I can answer for nothing," he said, "and, judging from the letters you +have received, there is not much hope. But it will not be my fault if I +do not send you good news. Count on me, I am devoted to you." + +After a few more kind words he made ready to take his departure. I arose +and left the room before him; I wished to leave them together a moment +for the last time and, as soon as I had closed the door behind me, in a +perfect rage of jealousy, I pressed my ear to the keyhole. + +"When shall I see you again?" he asked. + +"Never," replied Brigitte; "adieu, Henri." She held out her hand. He +bent over it, pressed it to his lips and I had barely time to slip into a +corner as he passed out without seeing me. + +Alone with Brigitte, my heart sank within me. She was waiting for me, +her shawl on her arm, and emotion plainly marked on her face. She had +found the key she had been looking for and her desk was open. I returned +and sat down near the fire. "Listen to me," I said, without daring to +look at her; "I have been so culpable in my treatment of you that I ought +to wait and suffer without a word of complaint. The change which has +taken place in you has thrown me into such despair that I have not been +able to refrain from asking you the cause; but to-day I ask nothing more. +Does it cost you an effort to depart? Tell me, and if so I am resigned." + +"Let us go, let us go!" she replied. + +"As you please, but be frank; whatever blow I may receive, I ought not to +ask whence it comes; I should submit without a murmur. But if I lose +you, do not speak to me of hope, for God knows I will not survive the +loss." + +She turned on me like a flash. + +"Speak to me of your love," she said, "not of your grief." + +"Very well, I love you more than life. Beside my love, my grief is but a +dream. Come with me to the end of the world, I will die or I will live +with you." + +With these words I advanced toward her; she turned pale and recoiled. +She made a vain effort to force a smile on her contracted lips, and +sitting down before her desk she said: + +"One moment; I have some papers here I want to burn." + +She showed me the letters from N------, tore them up and threw them into +the fire; she then took out other papers which she reread and then spread +out on the table. They were bills of purchases she had made and some of +them were still unpaid. While examining them she began to talk rapidly, +while her cheeks burned as if with fever. Then she begged my pardon for +her obstinate silence and her conduct since our arrival. + +She gave evidence of more tenderness, more confidence than ever. She +clapped her hands gleefully at the prospect of a happy journey; in short, +she was all love, or at least apparently all love. I can not tell how I +suffered at the sight of that factitious joy; there was in that grief +which crazed her something more sad than tears and more bitter than +reproaches. I would have preferred to have her cold and indifferent +rather than thus excited; it seemed to me a parody of our happiest +moments. There were the same words, the same woman, the same caresses; +and that which, fifteen days before would have intoxicated me with love +and happiness, repeated thus, filled me with horror. + +"Brigitte," I suddenly inquired, "what secret are you concealing from me? +If you love me, what horrible comedy is this you are enacting before me?" + +"I!" said she, almost offended. "What makes you think I am acting?" + +"What makes me think so? Tell me, my dear, that you have death in your +soul and that you are suffering martyrdom. Behold my arms are ready to +receive you; lean your head on me and weep. Then I will take you away, +perhaps; but in truth, not thus." + +"Let us go, let us go!" she again repeated. + +"No, on my soul! No, not at present; no, not while there is between us a +lie or a mask. I like unhappiness better than such cheerfulness as +yours." + +She was silent, astonished to see that I had not been deceived by her +words and manner and that I saw through them both. + +"Why should we delude ourselves?" I continued. + +"Have I fallen so low in your esteem that you can dissimulate before me? +That unfortunate journey, you think you are condemned to it, do you? +Am I a tyrant, an absolute master? Am I an executioner who drags you to +punishment? How much do you fear my wrath when you come before me with +such mimicry? What terror impels you to lie thus?" + +"You are wrong," she replied; "I beg of you, not a word more." + +"Why so little sincerity? If I am not your confidant, may I not at least +be your friend? If I am denied all knowledge of the source of your +tears, may I not at least see them flow? Have you not enough confidence +in me to believe that I will respect your sorrow? What have I done that +I should be ignorant of it? Might not the remedy lie right there?" + +"No," she replied, "you are wrong; you will achieve your own unhappiness +as well as mine if you press me farther. Is it not enough that we are +going away?" + +"And do you expect me to drag you away against your will? Is it not +evident that you have consented reluctantly, and that you already begin +to repent? Great God! What is it you are concealing from me? What is +the use of playing with words when your thoughts are as clear as that +glass before which you stand? Should I not be the meanest of men to +accept at your hands what is yielded with so much regret? And yet how +can I refuse it? What can I do if you refuse to speak?" + +"No, I do not oppose you, you are mistaken; I love you, Octave; cease +tormenting me thus." + +She threw so much tenderness into these words that I fell down on my +knees before her. Who could resist her glance and her voice? + +"My God!" I cried, "you love me, Brigitte? My dear mistress, you love +me?" + +"Yes, I love you; yes. I belong to you; do with me what you will. +I will follow you, let us go away together; come, Octave, the carriage is +waiting." + +She pressed my hand in hers, and kissed my forehead. + +"Yes, it must be," she murmured, "it must be." + +"It must be," I repeated to myself. I arose. + +On the table there remained only one piece of paper that Brigitte was +examining. She picked it up, then allowed it to drop to the floor. + +"Is that all?" I asked. + +"Yes, that is all." + +When I ordered the horses I had no idea that we would really go, I wished +merely to make a trial, but circumstances bid fair to force me to carry +my plans farther than I at first intended. I opened the door. + +"It must be!" I said to myself. "It must be!" I repeated aloud. + +"What do you mean by that, Brigitte? What is there in those words that I +do not understand? Explain yourself, or I will not go. Why must you +love me?" + +She fell on the sofa and wrung her hands in grief. + +"Ah! Unhappy man!" she cried, "you will never know how to love!" + +"Yes, I think you are right, but, before God, I know how to suffer. You +must love me, must you not? Very well, then you must answer me. Were I +to lose you forever, were these walls to crumble over my head, I will not +leave this spot until I have solved the mystery that has been torturing +me for more than a month. Speak, or I will leave you. I may be a fool +who destroys his own happiness; I may be demanding something that is not +for me to possess; it may be that an explanation will separate us and +raise before me an insurmountable barrier, which will render our tour, on +which I have set my heart, impossible; whatever it may cost you and me, +you shall speak or I will renounce everything." + +"No, I will not speak." + +"You will speak! Do you fondly imagine I am the dupe of your lies? When +I see you change between morning and evening until you differ more from +your natural self than does night from day, do you think I am deceived? +When you give me as a cause some letters that are not worth the trouble +of reading, do you imagine that I am to be put off with the first pretext +that comes to hand because you do not choose to seek another? Is your +face made of plaster, that it is difficult to see what is passing in your +heart? What is your opinion of me? I do not deceive myself as much as +you suppose, and take care lest in default of words your silence +discloses what you so obstinately conceal." + +"What do you imagine I am concealing?" + +"What do I imagine? You ask me that! Is it to brave me you ask such a +question! Do you think to make me desperate and thus get rid of me? +Yes, I admit it, offended pride is capable of driving me to extremes. +If I should explain myself freely, you would have at your service all +feminine hypocrisy; you hope that I will accuse you, so that you can +reply that such a woman as you does not stoop to justify herself. How +skilfully the most guilty and treacherous of your sex contrive to use +proud disdain as a shield! Your great weapon is silence; I did not learn +that yesterday. You wish to be insulted and you hold your tongue until +it comes to that. Come, struggle against my heart--where yours beats you +will find it; but do not struggle against my head, it is harder than +iron, and it has served me as long as yours!" + +"Poor boy!" murmured Brigitte; "you do not want to go?" + +"No, I shall not go except with my beloved, and you are not that now. +I have struggled, I have suffered, I have eaten my own heart long enough. +It is time for day to break, I have loved long enough in the night. Yes +or no, will you answer me?" + +"No." + +"As you please; I will wait." + +I sat down on the other side of the room, determined not to rise until I +had learned what I wished to know. She appeared to be reflecting, and +walked back and forth before me. + +I followed her with an eager eye, while her silence gradually increased +my anger. I was unwilling to have her perceive it and was undecided what +to do. I opened the window. + +"You may drive off," I called to those below, "and I will see that you +are paid. I shall not start to-night." + +"Poor boy!" repeated Brigitte. I quietly closed the window and sat down +as if I had not heard her; but I was so furious with rage that I could +hardly restrain myself. That cold silence, that negative force, +exasperated me to the last point. Had I been really deceived and +convinced of the guilt of a woman I loved I could not have suffered more. +As I had condemned myself to remain in Paris, I reflected that I must +compel Brigitte to speak at any price. In vain I tried to think of some +means of forcing her to enlighten me; for such power I would have given +all I possessed. What could I do or say? She sat there calm and +unruffled, looking at me with sadness. I heard the sound of the horses' +hoofs on the paving as the carriage drew out of the court. I had merely +to turn my hand to call them back, but it seemed to me that there was +something irrevocable about their departure. I slipped the bolt on the +door; something whispered in my ear: "You are face to face with the woman +who must give you life or death." + +While thus buried in thought I tried to invent some expedient that would +lead to the truth. I recalled one of Diderot's romances in which a +woman, jealous of her lover, resorted to a novel plan, for the purpose of +clearing away her doubts. She told him that she no longer loved him and +that she wished to leave him. The Marquis des Arcis (the name of the +lover) falls into the trap, and confesses that he himself has tired of +the liaison. That piece of strategy, which I had read at too early an +age, had struck me as being very skilful, and the recollection of it at +this moment made me smile. "Who knows?" said I to myself. "If I should +try this with Brigitte, she might be deceived and tell me her secret." + +My anger had become furious when the idea of resorting to such trickery +occurred to me. Was it so difficult to make a woman speak in spite of +herself? This woman was my mistress; I must be very weak if I could not +gain my point. I turned over on the sofa with an air of indifference. + +"Very well, my dear," said I, gayly, "this is not a time for confidences, +then?" + +She looked at me in astonishment. + +"And yet," I continued, "we must some day come to the truth. Now I +believe it would be well to begin at once; that will make you confiding, +and there is nothing like an understanding between friends." + +Doubtless my face betrayed me as I spoke these words; Brigitte did not +appear to understand and kept on walking up and down. + +"Do you know," I resumed, "that we have been together now six months? +The life we are leading together is not one to be laughed at. You are +young, I also; if this kind of life should become distasteful to you, are +you the woman to tell me of it? In truth, if it were so, I would confess +it to you frankly. And why not? Is it a crime to love? If not, it is +not a crime to love less or to cease to love at all. Would it be +astonishing if at our age we should feel the need of change?" + +She stopped me. + +"At our age!" said she. "Are you addressing me? What comedy are you +now playing, yourself?" + +Blood mounted to my face. I seized her hand. "Sit down here," I said, +"and listen to me." + +"What is the use? It is not you who speak." + +I felt ashamed of my own strategy and abandoned it. + +"Listen to me," I repeated, "and come, I beg of you, sit down near me. +If you wish to remain silent yourself, at least hear what I have to say." + +"I am listening, what have you to say to me?" + +"If some one should say to me: 'You are a coward!' I, who am twenty-two +years of age and have fought on the field of honor, would throw the taunt +back in the teeth of my accuser. Have I not within me the consciousness +of what I am? It would be necessary for me to meet my accuser on the +field, and play my life against his; why? In order to prove that I am +not a coward; otherwise the world would believe it. That single word +demands that reply every time it is spoken, and it matters not by whom." + +"It is true; what is your meaning?" + +"Women do not fight; but as society is constituted there is no being, of +whatever sex, who ought to submit to the indignity involved in an +aspersion on all his or her past life, be that life regulated as by a +pendulum. Reflect; who escapes that law? There are some, I admit; but +what happens? If it is a man, dishonor; if it is a woman, what? +Forgiveness? Every one who loves ought to give some evidence of life, +some proof of existence. There is, then, for woman as well as for man, +a time when an attack must be resented. If she is brave, she rises, +announces that she is present and sits down again. A stroke of the sword +is not for her. She must not only avenge herself, but she must forge her +own arms. Someone suspects her; who? An outsider? She may hold him in +contempt--her lover whom she loves? If so, it is her life that is in +question, and she may not despise him." + +"Her only recourse is silence." + +"You are wrong; the lover who suspects her casts an aspersion on her +entire life. I know it. Her plea is in her tears, her past life, her +devotion and her patience. What will happen if she remains silent? Her +lover will lose her by her own act and time will justify her. Is not +that your thought?" + +"Perhaps; silence before all." + +"Perhaps, you say? Assuredly I will lose you if you do not speak; my +resolution is made: I am going away alone." + +"But, Octave--" + +"But," I cried, "time will justify you! Let us put an end to it; yes or +no?" + +"Yes, I hope so." + +"You hope so! Will you answer me definitely? This is doubtless the last +time you will have the opportunity. You tell me that you love me, and I +believe it. I suspect you; is it your intention to allow me to go away +and rely on time to justify you?" + +"Of what do you suspect me?" + +"I do not choose to say, for I see that it would be useless. But, after +all, misery for misery, at your leisure; I am as well pleased. You +deceive me, you love another; that is your secret and mine." + +"Who is it?" she asked. + +"Smith." + +She placed her hand on her lips and turned aside. I could say no more; +we were both pensive, our eyes fixed on the floor. + +"Listen to me," she began with an effort, "I have suffered much. I call +heaven to bear me witness that I would give my life for you. So long as +the faintest gleam of hope remains, I am ready to suffer anything; but, +although I may rouse your anger in saying to you that I am a woman, I am +nevertheless a woman, my friend. We can not go beyond the limits of +human endurance. Beyond a certain point I will not answer for the +consequences. All I can do at this moment is to get down on my knees +before you and beseech you not to go away." + +She knelt down as she spoke. I arose. + +"Fool that I am!" I muttered, bitterly; "fool, to try to get the truth +from a woman! He who undertakes such a task will earn naught but +derision and will deserve it! Truth! Only he who consorts with +chambermaids knows it, only he who steals to their pillow and listens to +the unconscious utterance of a dream, hears it. He alone knows it who +makes a woman of himself, and initiates himself into the secrets of her +cult of inconstancy! But man, who asks for it openly, he who opens a +loyal hand to receive that frightful alms, he will never obtain it! +They are on guard with him; for reply he receives a shrug of the +shoulders, and, if he rouses himself in his impatience, they rise in +righteous indignation like an outraged vestal, while there falls from +their lips the great feminine oracle that suspicion destroys love, and +they refuse to pardon an accusation which they are unable to meet. Ah! +just God! How weary I am! When will all this cease?" + +"Whenever you please," said she, coldly; "I am as tired of it as you." + +"At this very moment; I leave you forever, and may time justify you! +Time! Time! Oh! what a cold lover! Remember this adieu. Time! and +thy beauty, and thy love, and thy happiness, where will they be? Is it +thus, without regret, you allow me to go? Ah! the day when the jealous +lover will know that he has been unjust, the day when he shall see +proofs, he will understand what a heart he has wounded, is it not so? He +will bewail his shame, he will know neither joy nor sleep; he will live +only in the memory of the time when he might have been happy. But, on +that day, his proud mistress will turn pale as she sees herself avenged; +she will say to herself: 'If I had only done it sooner!' And believe me, +if she loves him, pride will not console her." + +I tried to be calm, but I was no longer master of myself, and I began to +pace the floor as she had done. There are certain glances that resemble +the clashing of drawn swords; such glances Brigitte and I exchanged at +that moment. I looked at her as the prisoner looks on her at the door of +his dungeon. In order to break her sealed lips and force her to speak I +would give my life and hers. + +"What do you mean?" she asked. "What do you wish me to tell you?" + +"What you have on your heart. Are you cruel enough to make me repeat +it?" + +"And you, you," she cried, "are you not a hundred times more cruel? Ah! +fool, as you say, who would know the truth! Fool that I should be if I +expected you to believe it! You would know my secret, and my secret is +that I love you. Fool that I am! you will seek another. That pallor of +which you are the cause, you accuse it, you question it. Like a fool, +I have tried to suffer in silence, to consecrate to you my resignation; +I have tried to conceal my tears; you have played the spy, and you have +counted them as witnesses against me. Fool that I am! I have thought of +crossing seas, of exiling myself from France with you, of dying far from +all who have loved me, leaning for sole support on a heart that doubts +me. Fool that I am! I thought that truth had a glance, an accent, that +could not be mistaken, that would be respected! Ah! when I think of it, +tears choke me. Why, if it must ever be thus, induce me to take a step +that will forever destroy my peace? My head is confused, I do not know +where I am!" + +She leaned on me weeping. "Fool! Fool!" she repeated, in a heartrending +voice. + +"And what is it you ask?" she continued, "what can I do to meet those +suspicions that are ever born anew, that alter with your moods? I must +justify myself, you say! For what? For loving, for dying, for +despairing? And if I assume a forced cheerfulness, even that +cheerfulness offends you. I sacrifice everything to follow you and you +have not gone a league before you look back. Always, everywhere, +whatever I may do, insults and anger!" + +"Ah! dear child, if you knew what a mortal chill comes over me, what +suffering I endure in seeing my simplest words this taken up and hurled +back at me with suspicion and sarcasm! By that course you deprive +yourself of the only happiness there is in the world--perfect love. You +kill all delicate and lofty sentiment in the hearts of those who love +you; soon you will believe in nothing except the material and the gross; +of love there will remain for you only that which is visible and can be +touched with the finger. You are young, Octave, and you have still a +long life before you; you will have other mistresses. Yes, as you say, +pride is a little thing and it is not to it I look for consolation; but +God wills that your tears shall one day pay me for those which I now shed +for you!" + +She arose. + +"Must it be said? Must you know that for six months I have not sought +repose without repeating to myself that it was all in vain, that you +would never be cured; that I have never risen in the morning without +saying that another effort must be made; that after every word you have +spoken I have felt that I ought to leave you, and that you have not given +me a caress that I would rather die than endure; that, day by day, minute +by minute, hesitating between hope and fear, I have vainly tried to +conquer either my love or my grief; that, when I opened my heart to you, +you pierced it with a mocking glance, and that, when I closed it, it +seemed to me I felt within it a treasure that none but you could +dispense? Shall I speak of all the frailty and all the mysteries which +seem puerile to those who do not respect them? Shall I tell you that +when you left me in anger I shut myself up to read your first letters; +that there is a favorite waltz that I never played in vain when I felt +too keenly the suffering caused by your presence? Ah! wretch that I am! +How dearly all these unnumbered tears, all these follies, so sweet to the +feeble, are purchased! Weep now; not even this punishment, this sorrow, +will avail you." + +I tried to interrupt her. + +"Allow me to continue," she said; "the time has come when I must speak. +Let us see, why do you doubt me? For six months, in thought, in body, +and in soul, I have belonged to no one but you. Of what do you dare +suspect me? Do you wish to set out for Switzerland? I am ready, as you +see. Do you think you have a rival? Send him a letter that I will sign +and you will direct. What are we doing? Where are we going? Let us +decide. Are we not always together? Very well then, why would you leave +me? I can not be near you and separated from you at the same moment. It +is necessary to have confidence in those we love. Love is either good or +bad: if good, we must believe in it; if evil, we must cure ourselves of +it. All this, you see, is a game we are playing; but our hearts and our +lives are the stakes, and it is horrible! Do you wish to die? That +would perhaps be better. Who am I that you should doubt me?" + +She stopped before the glass. + +"Who am I?" she repeated, "who am I? Think of it. Look at this face of +mine." + +"Doubt thee!" she cried, addressing her own image; "poor, pale face, +thou art suspected! poor, thin cheeks, poor, tired eyes, thou and thy +tears are in disgrace. Very well, put an end to thy suffering; let those +kisses that have wasted thee close thy lids! Descend into the cold +earth, poor trembling body that can no longer support its own weight. +When thou art there, perchance thou wilt be believed, if doubt believes +in death. O sorrowful spectre! On the banks of what stream wilt thou +wander and groan? What fires devour thee? Thou dreamest of a long +journey and thou hast one foot in the grave! + +"Die! God is thy witness that thou hast tried to love. Ah! what wealth +of love has been awakened in thy heart! Ah! what dreams thou hast had, +what poisons thou hast drunk! What evil hast thou committed that there +should be placed in thy breast a fever that consumes! What fury animates +that blind creature who pushes thee into the grave with his foot, while +his lips speak to thee of love? What will become of you if you live? +Is it not time to end it all? Is it not enough? What proof canst thou +give that will satisfy when thou, poor, living proof, art not believed? +To what torture canst thou submit that thou hast not already endured? +By what torments, what sacrifices, wilt thou appease insatiable love? +Thou wilt be only an object of ridicule, a thing to excite laughter; +thou wilt vainly seek a deserted street to avoid the finger of scorn. +Thou wilt lose all shame and even that appearance of virtue which has +been so dear to you; and the man for whom you have disgraced yourself +will be the first to punish you. He will reproach you for living for him +alone, for braving the world for him, and while your friends are +whispering about you, he will listen to assure himself that no word of +pity is spoken; he will accuse you of deceiving him if another hand even +then presses yours, and if, in the desert of life, you find some one who +can spare you a word of pity in passing. + +"O God! dost thou remember a day when a wreath of roses was placed on my +head? Was it this brow on which that crown rested? Ah! the hand that +hung it on the wall of the oratory has now fallen, like it, to dust! +Oh, my native valley! Oh, my old aunt, who now sleeps in peace! Oh, my +lindens, my little white goat, my dear peasants who loved me so much! +You remember when I was happy, proud, and respected? Who threw in my +path that stranger who took me away from all this? Who gave him the +right to enter my life? Ah! wretch! why didst thou turn the first day he +followed you? Why didst thou receive him as a brother? Why didst thou +open thy door, and why didst thou hold out thy hand? Octave, Octave, why +have you loved me if all is to end thus?" + +She was about to faint as I led her to a chair where she sank down and +her head fell on my shoulder. The terrible effort she had made in +speaking to me so bitterly had broken her down. Instead of an outraged +woman I found now only a suffering child. Her eyes closed and she was +motionless. + +When she regained consciousness she complained of extreme languor, and +begged to be left alone that she might rest. She could hardly walk; I +carried her gently to her room and placed her on the bed. There was no +mark of suffering on her face: she was resting from her sorrow as from +great fatigue, and seemed not even to remember it. Her feeble and +delicate body yielded without a struggle; the strain had been too great. +She held my hand in hers; I kissed her; our lips met in loving union, and +after the cruel scene through which she had passed, she slept smilingly +on my heart as on the first day. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + +SELF-SACRIFICE THE SOLUTION + +Brigitte slept. Silent, motionless, I sat near her. As a husbandman, +when the storm has passed, counts the sheaves that remain in his +devastated field, thus I began to estimate the evil I had done. + +The more I thought of it, the more irreparable I felt it to be. Certain +sorrows, by their very excess, warn us of their limits, and the more +shame and remorse I experienced, the more I felt that after such a scene, +nothing remained for us to do but to say adieu. Whatever courage +Brigitte had shown, she had drunk to the dregs the bitter cup of her sad +love; unless I wished to see her die, I must give her repose. She had +often addressed cruel reproaches to me, and had, perhaps, on certain +other occasions shown more anger than in this scene; but what she had +said this time was not dictated by offended pride; it was the truth, +which, hidden closely in her heart, had broken it in escaping. + +Our present relations, and the fact that I had refused to go away with +her, destroyed all hope; she desired to pardon me, but she had not the +power. This slumber even, this deathlike sleep of one who could suffer +no more, was conclusive evidence; this sudden silence, the tenderness she +had shown in the final moments, that pale face, and that kiss, confirmed +me in the belief that all was over, and that I had broken forever +whatever bond had united us. As surely as she slept now, as soon as I +gave her cause for further suffering she would sleep in eternal rest. +The clock struck and I felt that the last hour had carried away my life +with hers. + +Unwilling to call any one, I lighted Brigitte's lamp; I watched its +feeble flame and my thoughts seemed to flicker in the darkness like its +uncertain rays. + +Whatever I had said or done, the idea of losing Brigitte had never +occurred to me up to this time. A hundred times I wished to leave her, +but who has loved and is ready to say just what is in his heart? That +was in times of despair or of anger. So long as I knew that she loved +me, I was sure of loving her; stern necessity had just arisen between us +for the first time. I experienced a dull languor and could distinguish +nothing clearly. What my mind understood, my soul recoiled from +accepting. "Come," I said to myself, "I have desired it and I have done +it; there is not the slightest hope that we can live together; I am +unwilling to kill this woman, so I have no alternative but to leave her. +It is all over; I shall go away tomorrow." + +And all the while I was thinking neither of my responsibility, nor of the +past, nor future; I thought neither of Smith nor his connection with the +affair; I could not say who had led me there, or what I had done during +the last hour. I looked at the walls of the room and thought that all I +had to do was to wait until to-morrow and decide what carriage I would +take. + +I remained for a long time in this strange calm, just as the man who +receives a thrust from a poignard feels at first only the cold steel and +can often travel some distance ere he becomes weak, and his eyes start +from their sockets and he realizes what has happened. But drop by drop +the blood flows, the ground under his feet becomes red, death comes; +the man, at its approach, shudders with horror and falls as though struck +by a thunderbolt. Thus, apparently calm, I awaited the coming of +misfortune; I repeated in a low voice what Brigitte had said, and I +placed near her all that I supposed she would need for the night; then I +looked at her, then went to the window and pressed my forehead against +the pane peering out at a sombre and lowering sky; then I returned to the +bedside. That I was going away tomorrow was the only thought in my mind, +and little by little the word "depart" became intelligible to me. "Ah! +God!" I suddenly cried, "my poor mistress, I am about to lose you, and I +have not known how to love you!" + +I trembled at these words as if it had been another who had pronounced +them; they resounded through all my being as resounds the string of the +harp that has been plucked to the point of breaking. In an instant two +years of suffering again racked my breast, and after them as their +consequence and as their last expression, the present seized me. How +shall I describe such woe? By a single word, perhaps, for those who have +loved. I had taken Brigitte's hand, and, in a dream, doubtless, she had +pronounced my name. + +I arose and went to my room; a torrent of tears flowed from my eyes. +I held out my arms as if to seize the past which was escaping me. "Is it +possible," I repeated, "that I am going to lose you? I can love no one +but you. What! you are going away? And forever? What! you, my life, +my adored mistress, you flee me, I shall never see you more? Never! +never!" I said aloud; and, addressing myself to the slumbering Brigitte +as if she could hear me, I added: "Never, never; do not think of it; I +will never consent to it. And why so much pride? Are there no means of +atoning for the offense I have committed? I beg of you, let us seek some +expiation. Have you not pardoned me a thousand times? But you love me, +you will not be able to go, for courage will fail you. What shall we +do?" + +A horrible madness seized me; I began to run here and there in search of +some instrument of death. At last I fell on my knees and beat my head +against the bed. Brigitte stirred, and I remained quiet, fearing I +should waken her. + +"Let her sleep until to-morrow," I said to myself; "I have all night to +watch her." + +I resumed my place; I was so frightened at the idea of waking Brigitte, +that I scarcely dared breathe. Gradually I became more calm and less +bitter tears began to course gently down my cheeks. Tenderness succeeded +fury. I leaned over Brigitte and looked at her as if, for the last time, +my better angel were urging me to grave on my soul the lines of that dear +face! + +How pale she was! Her large eyes, surrounded by a bluish circle, were +moist with tears; her form, once so lithe, was bent as if beneath a +burden; her cheek, wasted and leaden, rested on a hand that was spare and +feeble; her brow seemed to bear the marks of that crown of thorns which +is the diadem of resignation. I thought of the cottage. How young she +was six months ago! How cheerful, how free, how careless! What had I +done with all that? It seemed to me that a strange voice repeated an old +romance that I had long since forgotten: + + Altra volta gieri biele, + Blanch' e rossa com' un flore, + Ma ora no. Non son piu biele + Consumatis dal' amore. + +My sorrow was too great; I sprang to my feet and once more began to walk +the floor. "Yes," I continued, "look at her; think of those who are +consumed by a grief that is not shared with another. The evils you +endure others have suffered, and nothing is singular or peculiar to you. +Think of those who have no mother, no relatives, no friends; of those who +seek and do not find, of those who love in vain, of those who die and are +forgotten." + +"Before thee, there on that bed, lies a being that nature, perchance, +formed for thee. From the highest circles of intelligence to the deepest +and most impenetrable mysteries of matter and of form, that soul and that +body are thy affinities; for six months thy mouth has not spoken, thy +heart has not beat, without a responsive word and heart-beat from her; +and that woman, whom God has sent thee as He sends the rose to the field, +is about to glide from thy heart. While rejoicing in each other's +presence, while the angels of eternal love were singing before you, you +were farther apart than two exiles at the two ends of the earth. Look at +her, but be silent. Thou hast still one night to see her, if thy sobs do +not awaken her." + +Little by little, my thoughts mounted and became more sombre, until I +recoiled in terror. + +"To do evil! Such was the role imposed upon me by Providence. I, to do +evil! I, to whom my conscience, even in the midst of my wildest follies, +said that I was good! I, whom a pitiless destiny was dragging swiftly +toward the abyss and whom a secret horror unceasingly warned of the awful +fate to come! I, who, if I had shed blood with these hands, could yet +repeat that my heart was not guilty; that I was deceived, that it was not +I who did it, but my destiny, my evil genius, some unknown being who +dwelt within me, but who was not born there! + +"I do evil! For six months I had been engaged in that task, not a day +had passed that I had not worked at that impious occupation, and I had at +that moment the proof before my eyes. The man who had loved Brigitte, +who had offended her, then insulted her, then abandoned her only to take +her back again, trembling with fear, beset with suspicion, finally thrown +on that bed of sorrow, where she now lay extended, was I!" + +I beat my breast, and, although looking at her, I could not believe it. +I touched her as if to assure myself that it was not a dream. My face, +as I saw it in the glass, regarded me with astonishment. Who was that +creature who appeared before me bearing my features? Who was that +pitiless man who blasphemed with my mouth and tortured with my hands? +Was it he whom my mother called Octave? Was it he who, at fifteen, +leaning over the crystal waters of a fountain, had a heart not less pure +than they? I closed my eyes and thought of my childhood days. As a ray +of light pierces a cloud, a gleam from the past pierced my heart. + +"No," I mused, "I did not do that. These things are but an absurd +dream." + +I recalled the time when I was ignorant of life, when I was taking my +first steps in experience. I remembered an old beggar who used to sit on +a stone bench before the farm gate, to whom I was sometimes sent with the +remains of our morning meal. Holding out his feeble, wrinkled hands he +would bless me as he smiled upon me. I felt the morning wind blowing on +my brow and a freshness as of the rose descending from heaven into my +soul. Then I opened my eyes and, by the light of the lamp, saw the +reality before me. + +"And you do not believe yourself guilty?" I demanded, with horror. +"O novice of yesterday, how corrupt art thou today! Because you weep, +you fondly imagine yourself innocent? What you consider the evidence of +your conscience is only remorse; and what murderer does not experience +it? If your virtue cries out, is it not because it feels the approach of +death? O wretch! those far-off voices that you hear groaning in your +heart, do you think they are sobs? They are perhaps only the cry of the +sea-mew, that funereal bird of the tempest, whose presence portends +shipwreck. Who has ever told the story of the childhood of those who +have died stained with human blood? They, also, have been good in their +day; they sometimes bury their faces in their hands and think of those +happy days. You do evil, and you repent? Nero did the same when he +killed his mother. Who has told you that tears can wash away the stains +of guilt? + +"And even if it were true that a part of your soul is not devoted to evil +forever, what will you do with the other part that is not yours? You +will touch with your left hand the wounds that you inflict with your +right; you will make a shroud of your virtue in which to bury your +crimes; you will strike, and like Brutus you will engrave on your sword +the prattle of Plato! Into the heart of the being who opens her arms to +you, you will plunge that blood-stained but repentant arm; you will +follow to the cemetery the victim of your passion, and you will plant on +her grave the sterile flower of your pity. You will say to those who see +you 'What could you expect? I have learned how to kill, and observe that +I already, weep; learn that God made me better than you see me.' You will +speak of your youth, and you will persuade yourself that heaven ought to +pardon you, that your misfortunes are involuntary, and you will implore +sleepless nights to grant you a little repose. + +"But who knows? You are still young. The more you trust in your heart, +the farther astray you will be led by your pride. To-day you stand +before the first ruin you are going to leave on your route. If Brigitte +dies to-morrow you will weep on her tomb; where will you go when you +leave her? You will go away for three months perhaps, and you will +travel in Italy; you will wrap your cloak about you like a splenetic +Englishman, and you will say some beautiful morning, sitting in your inn +with your glasses before you, that it is time to forget in order to live +again. + +"You who weep too late, take care lest you weep more than one day. Who +knows? When the present which makes you shudder shall have become the +past, an old story, a confused memory, may it not happen some night of +debauchery that you will overturn your chair and recount, with a smile on +your lips, what you witnessed with tears in your eyes? It is thus that +one drinks away shame. You have begun by being good, you will become +weak, and you will become a monster. + +"My poor friend," said I, from the bottom of my heart, "I have a word of +advice for you, and it is this: I believe that you must die. While there +is still some virtue left, profit by it in order that you may not become +altogether bad; while a woman you love lies there dying on that bed, and +while you have a horror of yourself, strike the decisive blow; she still +lives; that is enough; do not attend her funeral obsequies for fear that +on the morrow you will not be consoled; turn the poignard against your +own heart while that heart yet loves the God who made it. Is it your +youth that gives you pause? And would you spare those youthful locks? +Never allow them to whiten if they are not white to-night. + +"And then what would you do in the world? If you go away, where will you +go? What can you hope for if you remain? Ah! in looking at that woman +you seem to have a treasure buried in your heart. It is not merely that +you lose her; it is less what has been than what might have been. When +the hands of the clock indicated such and such an hour, you might have +been happy. If you suffer why do you not open your heart? If you love, +why do you not say so? Why do you die of hunger, clasping a priceless +treasure in your hands? You have closed the door, you miser; you debate +with yourself behind locks and bolts. Shake them, for it was your hand +that forged them. + +"O fool! who desired and have possessed your desire, you have not thought +of God! You play with happiness as a child plays with a rattle, and you +do not reflect how rare and fragile a thing you hold in your hands; you +treat it with disdain, you smile at it and you continue to amuse yourself +with it, forgetting how many prayers it has cost your good angel to +preserve for you that shadow of daylight! Ah! if there is in heaven one +who watches over you, what is he doing at this moment? He is seated +before an organ; his wings are half-folded, his hands extended over the +ivory keys; he begins an eternal hymn; the hymn of love and immortal +rest, but his wings droop, his head falls over the keys; the angel of +death has touched him on the shoulder, he disappears into the Nirvana. + +"And you, at the age of twenty-two, when a noble and exalted passion, +when the strength of youth might perhaps have made something of you when +after so many sorrows and bitter disappointments, a youth so dissipated, +you saw a better time shining in the future; when your life, consecrated +to the object of your adoration, gave promise of new strength, at that +moment the abyss yawns before you! You no longer experience vague +desires, but real regrets; your heart is no longer hungry, it is broken! +And you hesitate? What do you expect? Since she no longer cares for +your life, it counts for nothing! Since she abandons you, abandon +yourself! + +"Let those who have loved you in your youth weep for you! They are not +many. If you would live, you must not only forget love, but you must +deny that it exists; not only deny what there has been of good in you, +but kill all that may be good in the future; for what will you do if you +remember? Life for you would be one ceaseless regret. No, no, you must +choose between your soul and your body; you must kill one or the other. +The memory of the good drives you to the evil, make a corpse of yourself +unless you wish to become your own spectre. O child, child! die while +you can! May tears be shed over your grave!" + +I threw myself on the foot of the bed in such a frightful state of +despair that my reason fled and I no longer knew where I was or what I +was doing. Brigitte sighed. + +My senses stirred within me. Was it grief or despair? I do not know. +Suddenly a horrible idea occurred to me. + +"What!" I muttered, "leave that for another! Die, descend into the +ground, while that bosom heaves with the air of heaven? Just God! +another hand than mine on that fine, transparent skin! Another mouth on +those lips, another love in that heart! Brigitte happy, loving, adored, +and I in a corner of the cemetery, crumbling into dust in a ditch! How +long will it take her to forget me if I cease to exist to-morrow? How +many tears will she shed? None, perhaps! Not a friend who speaks to her +but will say that my death was a good thing, who will not hasten to +console her, who will not urge her to forget me! If she weeps, they will +seek to distract her attention from her loss; if memory haunts her, they +will take her away; if her love for me survives me, they will seek to +cure her as if she had been poisoned; and she herself, who will perhaps +at first say that she desires to follow me, will a month later turn aside +to avoid the weeping-willow planted over my grave! + +"How could it be otherwise? Who, as beautiful as she, wastes life in +idle regrets? If she should think of dying of grief, that beautiful +bosom would urge her to live, and her mirror would persuade her; and the +day when her exhausted tears give place to the first smile, who will not +congratulate her on her recovery? When, after eight days of silence, she +consents to hear my name pronounced in her presence, then she will speak +of it herself as if to say: 'Console me;' then little by little she will +no longer refuse to think of the past but will speak of it, and she will +open her window some beautiful spring morning when the birds are singing +in the garden; she will become pensive and say: 'I have loved!' Who will +be there at her side? Who will dare to tell her that she must continue +to love? + +"Ah! then I shall be no more! You will listen to him, faithless one! +You will blush as does the budding rose, and the blood of youth will +mount to your face. While saying that your heart is sealed, you will +allow it to escape through that fresh aureole of beauty, each ray of +which allures a kiss. How much they desire to be loved who say they love +no more! And why should that astonish you? You are a woman; that body, +that spotless bosom, you know what they are worth; when you conceal them +under your dress you do not believe, as do the virgins, that all are +alike, and you know the price of your modesty. How can a woman who has +been praised resolve to be praised no more? Does she think she is living +when she remains in the shadow and there is silence round about her +beauty? Her beauty itself is the admiring glance of her lover. No, no, +there can be no doubt of it; she who has loved, can not live without +love; she who has seen death clings to life. Brigitte loves me and will +perhaps die of love; I will kill myself and another will have her. + +"Another, another!" I repeated, bending over her until my head touched +her shoulder. "Is she not a widow? Has she not already seen death? +Have not these little hands prepared the dead for burial? Her tears for +the second will not flow as long as those shed for the first. Ah! God +forgive me! While she sleeps why should I not kill her? If I should +awaken her now and tell her that her hour had come, and that we were +going to die with a last kiss, she would consent. What does it matter? +Is it certain that all does not end with that?" + +I found a knife on the table and I picked it up. + +"Fear, cowardice, superstition! What do they know about it who talk of +something else beyond? It is for the ignorant common people that a +future life has been invented, but who really believes in it? What +watcher in the cemetery has seen Death leave his tomb and hold +consultation with a priest? In olden times there were phantoms; they are +interdicted by the police in civilized cities, and no cries are now heard +issuing from the earth except from those buried in haste. Who has +silenced death, if it has ever spoken? Because funeral processions are +no longer permitted to encumber our streets, does the celestial spirit +languish? + +"To die, that is the final purpose, the end. God has established it, +man discusses it; but over every door is written: 'Do what thou wilt, +thou shalt die.' What will be said if I kill Brigitte? Neither of us +will hear. In to-morrow's journal would appear the intelligence that +Octave de T----- had killed his mistress, and the day after no one would +speak of it. Who would follow us to the grave? No one who, upon +returning to his home, could not enjoy a hearty dinner; and when we were +extended side by side in our narrow, bed, the world could walk over our +graves without disturbing us. + +"Is it not true, my well-beloved, is it not true that it would be well +with us? It is a soft bed, that bed of earth; no suffering can reach us +there; the occupants of the neighboring tombs will not gossip about us; +our bones will embrace in peace and without pride, for death is solace, +and that which binds does not also separate. Why should annihilation +frighten thee, poor body, destined to corruption? Every hour that +strikes drags thee on to thy doom, every step breaks the round on which +thou hast just rested; thou art nourished by the dead; the air of heaven +weighs upon and crushes thee, the earth on which thou treadest attracts +thee by the soles of thy feet. + +"Down with thee! Why art thou affrighted? Dost thou tremble at a word? +Merely say: 'We will not live.' Is not life a burden that we long to lay +down? Why hesitate when it is merely a question of a little sooner or a +little later? Matter is indestructible, and the physicists, we are told, +grind to infinity the smallest speck of dust without being able to +annihilate it. If matter is the property of chance, what harm can it do +to change its form since it can not cease to be matter? Why should God +care what form I have received and with what livery I invest my grief? +Suffering lives in my brain; it belongs to me, I kill it; but my bones do +not belong to me and I return them to Him who lent them to me: may some +poet make a cup of my skull from which to drink his new wine! + +"What reproach can I incur and what harm can that reproach do me? What +stern judge will tell me that I have done wrong? What does he know about +it? + +"Was he such as I? If every creature has his task to perform, and if it +is a crime to shirk it, what culprits are the babes who die on the +nurse's breast! Why should they be spared? Who will be instructed by +the lessons which are taught after death? Must heaven be a desert in +order that man may be punished for having lived? Is it not enough to +have lived? I do not know who asked that question, unless it were +Voltaire on his death-bed; it is a cry of despair worthy of the helpless +old atheist. + +"But to what purpose? Why so many struggles? Who is there above us who +delights in so much agony? Who amuses himself and wiles away an idle +hour watching this spectacle of creation, always renewed and always +dying, seeing the work of man's hands rising, the grass growing; looking +upon the planting of the seed and the fall of the thunderbolt; beholding +man walking about upon his earth until he meets the beckoning finger of +death; counting tears and watching them dry upon the cheek of pain; +noting the pure profile of love and the wrinkled face of age; seeing +hands stretched up to him in supplication, bodies prostrate before him, +and not a blade of wheat more in the harvest! + +"Who is it, then, that has made so much for the pleasure of knowing that +it all amounts to nothing! The earth is dying--Herschel says it is of +cold; who holds in his hand the drop of condensed vapor and watches it as +it dries up, as a fisher watches a grain of sand in his hand? That +mighty law of attraction that suspends the world in space, torments it-- +and consumes it in endless desire--every planet that carries its load of +misery and groans on its axle--calls to each other across the abyss, and +each wonders which will stop first. God controls them; they accomplish +assiduously and eternally their appointed and useless task; they whirl +about, they suffer, they burn, they become extinct and they light up with +new flame; they descend and they reascend, they follow and yet they avoid +one another, they interlace like rings; they carry on their surface +thousands of beings who are ceaselessly renewed; the beings move about, +cross one another's paths, clasp one another for an hour, and then fall, +and others rise in their place. + +"Where life fails, life hastens to the spot; where air is wanting, air +rushes; no disorder, everything is regulated, marked out, written down in +lines of gold and parables of fire; everything keeps step with the +celestial music along the pitiless paths of life; and all for nothing! +And we, poor nameless dreams, pale and sorrowful apparitions, helpless +ephemera, we who are animated by the breath of a second in order that +death may exist, we exhaust ourselves with fatigue in order to prove that +we are living for a purpose, and that something indefinable is stirring +within us. + +"We hesitate to turn against our breasts a little piece of steel, or to +blow out our brains with a little instrument no larger than our hands; it +seems to us that chaos would return again; we have written and revised +the laws both human and divine, and we are afraid of our catechisms; we +suffer thirty years without murmuring and imagine that we are struggling; +finally suffering becomes the stronger, we send a pinch of powder into +the sanctuary of intelligence, and a flower pierces the soil above our +grave." + +As I finished these words I directed the knife I held in my hand against +Brigitte's bosom. I was no longer master of myself, and in my delirious +condition I know not what might have happened; I threw back the bed- +clothing to uncover the heart, when I discovered on her white bosom a +little ebony crucifix. + +I recoiled, seized with sudden fear; my hand relaxed, my weapon fell to +the floor. It was Brigitte's aunt who had given her that little crucifix +on her deathbed. I did not remember ever having seen it before; +doubtless, at the moment of setting out, she had suspended it about her +neck as a preserving charm against the dangers of the journey. Suddenly +I joined my hands and knelt on the floor. + +"O Lord, my God," I said, in trembling tones, "Lord, my God, thou art +there!" + +Let those who do not believe in Christ read this page; I no longer +believed in Him. Neither as a child, nor at school, nor as a man, have I +frequented churches; my religion, if I had any, had neither rite nor +symbol, and I believed in a God without form, without a cult, and without +revelation. Poisoned, from youth, by all the writings of the last +century, I had sucked, at an early hour, the sterile milk of impiety. +Human pride, that God of the egoist, closed my mouth against prayer, +while my affrighted soul took refuge in the hope of nothingness. I was +as if drunken or insensate when I saw that effigy of Christ on Brigitte's +bosom; while not believing in Him myself, I recoiled, knowing that she +believed in Him. + +It was not vain terror that arrested my hand. Who saw me? I was alone +and it was night. Was it prejudice? What prevented me from hurling out +of my sight that little piece of black wood? I could have thrown it into +the fire, but it was my weapon I threw there. Ah! what an experience +that was and still is for my soul! What miserable wretches are men who +mock at that which can save a human being! What matters the name, the +form, the belief? Is not all that is good sacred? How dare any one +touch God? + +As at a glance from the sun the snows descend the mountains, and the +glaciers that threatened heaven melt into streams in the valley, so there +descended into my heart a stream that overflowed its banks. Repentance +is a pure incense; it exhaled from all my suffering. Although I had +almost committed a crime when my hand was arrested, I felt that my heart +was innocent. In an instant, calm, self-possession, reason returned; I +again approached the bed; I leaned over my idol and kissed the crucifix. + +"Sleep in peace," I said to her, "God watches over you! While your lips +were parting in a smile, you were in greater danger than you have ever +known before. But the hand that threatened you will harm no one; I swear +by the faith you profess I will not kill either you or myself! I am a +fool, a madman, a child who thinks himself a man. God be praised! You +are young and beautiful. You live and you will forget me. You will +recover from the evil I have done you, if you can forgive me. Sleep in +peace until day, Brigitte, and then decide our fate; to whatever sentence +you pronounce I will submit without complaint. + +"And thou, Lord, who hast saved me, grant me pardon. I was born in an +impious century, and I have many crimes to expiate. Thou Son of God, +whom men forget, I have not been taught to love Thee. I have never +worshipped in Thy temples, but I thank heaven that where I find Thee, +I tremble and bow in reverence. I have at least kissed with my lips a +heart that is full of Thee. Protect that heart so long as life lasts; +dwell within it, Thou Holy One; a poor unfortunate has been brave enough +to defy death at the sight of Thy suffering and Thy death; though +impious, Thou hast saved him from evil; if he had believed, Thou wouldst +have consoled him. + +"Pardon those who have made him incredulous since Thou hast made him +repentant; pardon those who blaspheme! When they were in despair they +did not see Thee! Human joys are a mockery; they are scornful and +pitiless; O Lord! the happy of this world think they have no need of +Thee! Pardon them. Although their pride may outrage Thee, they will be, +sooner or later, baptized in tears; grant that they may cease to believe +in any other shelter from the tempest than Thy love, and spare them the +severe lessons of unhappiness. Our wisdom and scepticism are in our +hands but children's toys; forgive us for dreaming that we can defy Thee, +Thou who smilest at Golgotha. The worst result of all our vain misery is +that it tempts us to forget Thee. + +"But Thou knowest that it is all but a shadow which a glance from Thee +can dissipate. Hast not Thou Thyself been a man? It was sorrow that +made Thee God; sorrow is an instrument of torture by which Thou hast +mounted to the very throne of God, Thy Father, and it is sorrow that +leads us to Thee with our crown of thorns to kneel before Thy mercy-seat; +we touch Thy bleeding feet with our bloodstained hands, for Thou hast +suffered martyrdom to be loved by the unfortunate." + +The first rays of dawn began to appear: man and nature were rousing +themselves from sleep and the air. was filled with the confusion of +distant sounds. Weak and exhausted, I was about to leave Brigitte, and +seek a little repose. As I was passing out of the room, a dress thrown +on a chair slipped to the floor near me, and in its folds I spied a piece +of paper. I picked it up; it was a letter, and I recognized Brigitte's +hand. The envelope was not sealed. I opened it and read as follows: + + 23 December, 18-- + + "When you receive this letter I shall be far away from you, and + shall perhaps never see you again. My destiny is bound up with that + of a man for whom I have sacrificed everything; he can not live + without me, and I am going to try to die for him. I love you; + adieu, and pity us." + +I turned the letter over when I had read it, and saw that it was +addressed to "M. Henri Smith, N------, poste restante." + +On the morrow, a clear December day, a young man and a woman who rested +on his arm, passed through the garden of the Palais-Royal. They entered +a jeweler's store where they chose two similar rings which they smilingly +exchanged. After a short walk they took breakfast at the Freres- +Provencaux, in one of those little rooms which are, all things +considered, the most beautiful spots in the world. There, when the +garcon had left them, they sat near the windows hand in hand. + +The young man was in travelling dress; to see the joy which shone on his +face, one would have taken him for a young husband showing his young wife +the beauties and pleasures of Parisian life. His happiness was calm and +subdued, as true happiness always is. The experienced would have +recognized in him the youth who merges into manhood. From time to time +he looked up at the sky, then at his companion, and tears glittered in +his eyes, but he heeded them not, but smiled as he wept. The woman was +pale and thoughtful, her eyes were fixed on the man. On her face were +traces of sorrow which she could not conceal, although evidently touched +by the exalted joy of her companion. + +When he smiled, she smiled too, but never alone; when he spoke, she +replied, and she ate what he served her; but there was about her a +silence which was only broken at his instance. In her languor could be +clearly distinguished that gentleness of soul, that lethargy of the +weaker of two beings who love, one of whom exists only in the other and +responds to him as does the echo. The young man was conscious of it, and +seemed proud of it and grateful for it; but it could be seen even by his +pride that his happiness was new to him. + +When the woman became sad and her eyes fell, he cheered her with his +glance; but he could not always succeed, and seemed troubled himself. +That mingling of strength and weakness, of joy and sorrow, of anxiety +and serenity, could not have been understood by an indifferent spectator; +at times they appeared the most happy of living creatures, and the next +moment the most unhappy; but, although ignorant of their secret, one +would have felt that they were suffering together, and, whatever their +mysterious trouble, it could be seen that they had placed on their sorrow +a seal more powerful than love itself-friendship. While their hands were +clasped their glances were chaste; although they were alone they spoke in +low tones. As if overcome by their feelings, they sat face to face, +although their lips did not touch. They looked at each other tenderly +and solemnly. When the clock struck one, the woman heaved a sigh and +said: + +"Octave, are you sure of yourself?" + +"Yes, my friend, I am resolved. I shall suffer much, a long time, +perhaps forever; but we will cure ourselves, you with time, I with God." + +"Octave, Octave," repeated the woman, "are you sure you are not deceiving +yourself?" + +"I do not believe we can forget each other; but I believe that we can +forgive, and that is what I desire even at the price of separation." + +"Why could we not meet again? Why not some day--you are so young!" + +Then she added, with a smile: + +"We could see each other without danger." + +"No, my friend, for you must know that I could never see you again +without loving you. May he to whom I bequeath you be worthy of you! +Smith is brave, good, and honest, but however much you may love him, you +see very well that you still love me, for if I should decide to remain, +or to take you away with me, you would consent." + +"It is true," replied the woman. + +"True! true!" repeated the young man, looking into her eyes with all +his soul. "Is it true that if I wished it you would go with me?" + +Then he continued, softly: + +"That is the reason why I must never see you again. There are certain +loves in life that overturn the head, the senses, the mind, the heart; +there is among them all but one that does not disturb, that penetrates, +and that dies only with the being in which it has taken root." + +"But you will write to me?" + +"Yes, at first, for what I have to suffer is so keen that the absence of +the habitual object of my love would kill me. When I was unknown to you, +I gradually approached closer and closer to you, until--but let us not go +into the past. Little by little my letters will become less frequent +until they cease altogether. I shall thus descend the hill that I have +been climbing for the past year. When one stands before a fresh grave, +over which are engraved two cherished names, one experiences a mysterious +sense of grief, which causes tears to trickle down one's cheeks; it is +thus that I wish to remember having once lived." + +At these words the woman threw herself on the couch and burst into tears. +The young man wept with her, but he did not move and seemed anxious to +appear unconscious of her emotion. When her tears ceased to flow, he +approached her, took her hand in his and kissed it. + +"Believe me," said he, "to be loved by you, whatever the name of the +place I occupy in your heart, will give me strength and courage. Rest +assured, Brigitte, no one will ever understand you better than I; another +will love you more worthily, no one will love you more truly. Another +will be considerate of those feelings that I offend, he will surround you +with his love; you will have a better lover, you will not have a better +brother. Give me your hand and let the world laugh at a sentence that it +does not understand: Let us be friends, and part forever. Before we +became such intimate friends there was something within that told us we +were destined to mingle our lives. Let our souls never know that we have +parted upon earth; let not the paltry chance of a moment undo our eternal +happiness!" + +He held the woman's hand; she arose, tears streaming from her eyes, and, +stepping up to the mirror with a strange smile on her face, she cut from +her head a long tress of hair; then she looked at herself thus disfigured +and deprived of a part of her beautiful crown, and gave it to her lover. + +The clock struck again; it was time to go; when they passed out they +seemed as joyful as when they entered. + +"What a beautiful sun!" said the young man. + +"And a beautiful day," said Brigitte, "the memory of which shall never +fade." + +They hastened away and disappeared in the crowd. + +Some time later a carriage passed over a little hill behind +Fontainebleau. The young man was the only occupant; he looked for the +last time upon his native town as it disappeared in the distance, and +thanked God that, of the three beings who had suffered through his fault, +there remained but one of them still unhappy. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +Because you weep, you fondly imagine yourself innocent +Cold silence, that negative force +Contrive to use proud disdain as a shield +Fool who destroys his own happiness +Funeral processions are no longer permitted +How much they desire to be loved who say they love no more +I can not be near you and separated from you at the same moment +Is it not enough to have lived? +Make a shroud of your virtue in which to bury your crimes +Reading the Memoirs of Constant +Sometimes we seem to enjoy unhappiness +Speak to me of your love, she said, "not of your grief +Suffered, and yet took pleasure in it +Suspicions that are ever born anew +"Unhappy man!" she cried, "you will never know how to love" +Who has told you that tears can wash away the stains of guilt +You play with happiness as a child plays with a rattle +Your great weapon is silence + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of Child of a Century, v3 +by Alfred de Musset + + + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS OF THE ENTIRE CHILD OF A CENTURY: + +A terrible danger lurks in the knowledge of what is possible +Accustomed to call its disguise virtue +Adieu, my son, I love you and I die +All philosophy is akin to atheism +All that is not life, it is the noise of life +And when love is sure of itself and knows response +Because you weep, you fondly imagine yourself innocent +Become corrupt, and you will cease to suffer +Began to forget my own sorrow in my sympathy for her +Beware of disgust, it is an incurable evil +Can any one prevent a gossip +Cold silence, that negative force +Contrive to use proud disdain as a shield +Death is more to be desired than a living distaste for life +Despair of a man sick of life, or the whim of a spoiled child +Do they think they have invented what they see +Each one knows what the other is about to say +Fool who destroys his own happiness +Force itself, that mistress of the world +Funeral processions are no longer permitted +Galileo struck the earth, crying: "Nevertheless it moves!" +Good and bad days succeeded each other almost regularly +Great sorrows neither accuse nor blaspheme--they listen +Grief itself was for her but a means of seducing +Happiness of being pursued +He who is loved by a beautiful woman is sheltered from every blow +He lives only in the body +How much they desire to be loved who say they love no more +Human weakness seeks association +I can not be near you and separated from you at the same moment +I can not love her, I can not love another +I boasted of being worse than I really was +I neither love nor esteem sadness +I do not intend either to boast or abase myself +Ignorance into which the Greek clergy plunged the laity +In what do you believe? +Indignation can solace grief and restore happiness +Is he a dwarf or a giant +Is it not enough to have lived? +It is a pity that you must seek pastimes +Make a shroud of your virtue in which to bury your crimes +Man who suffers wishes to make her whom he loves suffer +Men doubted everything: the young men denied everything +No longer esteemed her highly enough to be jealous of her +Of all the sisters of love, the most beautiful is pity +Perfection does not exist +Pure caprice that I myself mistook for a flash of reason +Quarrel had been, so to speak, less sad than our reconciliation +Reading the Memoirs of Constant +Resorted to exaggeration in order to appear original +Sceptic regrets the faith he has lost the power to regain +Seven who are always the same: the first is called hope +She pretended to hope for the best +Sometimes we seem to enjoy unhappiness +Speak to me of your love, she said, "not of your grief +St. Augustine +Suffered, and yet took pleasure in it +Suspicions that are ever born anew +Terrible words; I deserve them, but they will kill me +There are two different men in you +Ticking of which (our arteries) can be heard only at night +"Unhappy man!" she cried, "you will never know how to love" +We have had a mass celebrated, and it cost us a large sum +What you take for love is nothing more than desire +What human word will ever express thy slightest caress +When passion sways man, reason follows him weeping and warning +Who has told you that tears can wash away the stains of guilt +Wine suffuses the face as if to prevent shame appearing there +You believe in what is said here below and not in what is done +You play with happiness as a child plays with a rattle +You turn the leaves of dead books +Your great weapon is silence +Youth is to judge of the world from first impressions + + + + +End of this Project Gutenberg Etext of The Child of a Century, entire +by Alfred de Musset + diff --git a/old/im29b10.zip b/old/im29b10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9aa1153 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/im29b10.zip |