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diff --git a/39420.txt b/39420.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1995956 --- /dev/null +++ b/39420.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1706 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, +November 11, 1893, by Various, Edited by Sir F. C. Burnand + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105, November 11, 1893 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir F. C. Burnand + +Release Date: April 10, 2012 [eBook #39420] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 105, NOVEMBER 11, 1893*** + + +E-text prepared by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 39420-h.htm or 39420-h.zip: + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/39420/39420-h/39420-h.htm) + or + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/39420/39420-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 105 + +NOVEMBER 11th 1893 + +Edited by Sir Francis Burnand + + + * * * * * + + +[Illustration: POLICE PROTECTION FOR PIANISTS!! + +MADE NECESSARY BY THE ANTICS OF THE PADDED-ROOMSKI DEVOTEES AT ST. +JAMES'S HALL, WHO RUSH AT, TRY TO EMBRACE, AND DECK WITH ROSES, A +CERTAIN MASTER WHENEVER HE APPEARS.] + + * * * * * + +A QUESTION OF TINT. + +["Who will paint London?"--_Daily News_.] + + What a question to ask! If the colour be blue, + A batch of our London Minervas will do: + For each one will dye--the allusion is shocking-- + Our town and its streets with the tint of her stocking. + Our pessimist frauds and the Ibsensite pack + Will groan as they thickly bedaub it in black. + Asiatic Sir EDWIN, the Poet of Light, + He will wipe out their work, and arrange it in white. + Then the Company-gulls will arrive on the scene, + And, _presto_, the colour of London is green. + And a rare crew of "Johnnies" will stay out of bed + Till the daylight appears, while they paint the town red. + In fact--and you'll thank me for giving the hint-- + Painting London is merely a question of tint. + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. cannot call to mind where the original picture of "_The +Waterloo Blanket_" is to be seen. + + * * * * * + +THE NOBLE ORGAN-GRINDER. + +["Lord BRASSEY never goes on a cruise, however short, without taking +with him a very costly barrel-organ. He plays on it regularly for +some time every evening, as he finds it a congenial form of exercise +and amusement."--_The World._] + + Grinder, when serenely grinding + On your yacht the Hundredth Psalm, + Tell me, are you truly finding + In this work congenial charm? + + "Music hath" (an old quotation) + "Charms to soothe the savage breast," + Think how you might lull some nation + Into dilettante rest. + + GRINDER, gentle-hearted Grinder, + Try the savage who has spurned + Culture, for he might grow kinder, + Soothed by barrel deftly turned. + + Matabele LOBENGULA + (Accent on penultimate) + Might be made by music, you'll a- + gree, a model potentate. + + ORPHEUS like, you might so charm him + That a mere Mashona child's + Hand could easily disarm him + In those equatorial wilds. + + He would cease to wear his skimpy + Kilts that leave his legs half bare, + He would soon disband his _impi_; + Culture then would be his care. + + Suits of dittos clothe this whopper; + Patent leather boots be got; + You might lead him--"smash, my topper!"-- + Even to a chimney-pot. + + He would have a daily paper, + Standard authors sold in parts, + Shops of tailor, hatter, draper, + An Academy of Arts. + + He would teach, by plays, the loyal + Folk on marsh or fertile plain, + Opening a Theatre Royal, + Where they've only Reeds and Grain. + + And, till death made him a _Morgue_ 'un, + WAGNER, BRAHMS and GREIG no doubt + He would doat on--then your organ + Might be ruthlessly chucked out. + + * * * * * + +THE CENTRAL HALL OF THE LAW COURTS. + + O barristers' wigs from far and wide + You gather anew! + The Strand, like meadow with daisies pied, + Is dotted with you. + + You crowd the courts, so stuffy, so small, + So awkwardly placed; + You don't go into the Central Hall-- + Magnificent waste! + + That thing of beauty was meant to be + For ever a joy, + Just built to accommodate, as we see, + One messenger boy. + + Proud emblem he of the empire's might, + That thus, for a whim, + Spent pounds in thousands with such delight + Just to shelter him. + + The courts are draughty, the courts are dark, + The passages small, + And witness, client, solicitor, clerk, + Are squeezed in them all. + + Those lancet windows on winding stairs + Don't help one to see; + A falling Commissioner even swears + Without any fee. + + Still though we stumble and though we're squeezed, + We all recollect + That deserted Hall, and we're truly pleased + With it's fine effect. + + The vacant acre of paving there + Should never annoy, + It has one occupant, we 're aware-- + That messenger boy. + + * * * * * + +SONG OF THE AUTUMN SESSION. + +(BY A RELUCTANTLY RETURNED M.P.) + +AIR--"_O! that will be joyful!_" + + HERE we suffer grief and pain, + Here we part to meet again: + No field, no copse, no moor! + O! it will be jawful, + Jawful, jawful, jawful! + O! isn't it awful? + Autumn Meet's an awful bore! + + All who hate the "Lords," you know, + Swear this misery below, + We owe to peers above! + O! that, &c. + + We'll be lammed by LABOUCHERE, + Who the Afric strife will swear + Is due to RHODES'S rule. + O! won't _he_ be jawful, &c. + + ASHMEAD, too, will strive to prove + Freedom, prestige, all we love + We'll lose to gain no more, + Through GLADSTONE the jawful, &c. + + O! how weary we shall be, + Ere the two Big Bills, or three, + Are passed and Peer-wards gone! + O! WEG will be jawful, &c. + + Then the Rads will shout with joy, + And the short Recess employ, + In larrupping the Lords! + O! won't _they_ be jawful?-- + Awful, awful, awful! + It shouldn't be lawful + Autumn Meets to summon more! + + * * * * * + +THE WHIRLIGIG OF TIME.--WAT TYLER is avenged--upon wicked WALWORTH, +and unfair history. A namesake of his is to be Lord Mayor of London! +All we want now is, that the Right Hon. Mr. JOHN CADE (of Birmingham?) +should be made Prime Minister. + + * * * * * + +DR. DULCAMARA UP TO DATE; OR, WANTED A QUACK-QUELCHER. + + ["_The jury, in giving their verdict, strongly censured the + gross ignorance of the accused, and regretted that there was + no law to prevent them from practising surgery._"] + + [Illustration] _Mr. Punch sings, sotto voce:_-- + +_Begone, Dulcamara_, + _I prythee begone from me!_ +_Begone, Dulcamara_, + _Thou and I will never agree!_ + + _AGREE?_ By all good powers, no! no more than oil and water! + For to the conscious humbug honest wrath should give no quarter; + + And if _Punch's_ ready _baton_ lays its thwacks on any backs + With special zest, it is on those of charlatans and quacks. + + Quack! Quack! Quack! Oh the pestilential pack! + If there is a loathsome chorus, it is Quack! Quack! Quack! + + But the Quacks are having high old times in these peculiar days, + And gulls mistake their horrid din, 'twould seem, for pleasant lays. + We are quacked into distraction by unchastened power of Jaw, + Assisted by Advertisement and unrestrained by Law. + Dulcamara up to date is no longer poor or petty, + The pompous, brainless charlatan pictured by DONIZETTI, + He outshines, out-talks, out-thumps, out-cheats, out-swaggers, and + out-dresses, + With his nauseous, noxious nostrums, and his nasty, mucky messes. + Quack! Quack! Quack! He may quack the donkeys dead, + Their coin out of their purses and their eyes out of their head, + Their brains into sheer softening, their bodies to the grave, + But _he_ flourishes unpunished. Is there _nothing_ then to save + The noodles from his ignorance and knavery and bounce? + No law to lay him by the heels, no hangman's whip to trounce, + No pillory to gibbet the false fortune-piling pack + Who poison, maim, and madden with their Quack! Quack! Quack? + + Dulcamara stands defiant, while his drum the live air fills + With praise of his appliances, his potions, and his pills. + With sham science for his shield, venal literature and art + For his touts and advertisers, he can bravely play his part. + The comic man will clown for him, if adequately paid, + And the poet and the painter puff his wares and push his trade. + He's proudly testimonialised; folly or purchased cunning + Crack up his nastiest nostrums, keep his worst deceptions running. + He will bleed you and blackmail you, if you're weak as well as + wealthy, + Impoverish _and_ drench you, aye, do aught--save leave you healthy. + For 'tis quack, quack, quack! and 'tis drum, drum, drum! + And Dulcamara--when not _worse_--is safe to prove a hum! + + Quack! Quack! Quack! It is time that cry to quelch + By Law--or else to treat the quacks like sorry rogues who "welsh"; + And if Dulcamara's really safe, until the Law they alter, + Why honest men must see to it, nor in their purpose falter + Till rascals of "gross ignorance," in foul gregarious pack, + Can no longer _safely_ victimise with quack, quack, quack! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE LION AT HOME. + +_The Hope and Pride of the Family (just home from the Grand Tour)._ +"OH, REALLY, YOU KNOW, THE MEN ONE MEETS IN SOME OF THOSE PLACES OUT +WEST! I SAID TO MYSELF EVERY NIGHT, 'WELL, THANK HEAVEN I HAVEN'T SHOT +ANYBODY!'" _Fond and Nervous Mother._ "YOU MEAN, THANK HEAVEN NOBODY +SHOT YOU, DON'T YOU, DEAR?"] + + * * * * * + +A WORD TO THE WISE WHEELMAN. + +THE SPEAKER, at Warwick, said that "the bicyclists of the day are +debilitating and degenerating the human race by the way in which they +stoop over their work." The wheelmen would probably retort that, like +GOLDSMITH'S sprightly heroine, they "stoop to conquer." And we are +not yet _all_ wheelmen. Still, the SPEAKER has hit a blot in the +contemporary Cyclomania. Few things are more unlovely than the +"Bicyclist's Bend." Record-cutting would be purchased dearly at the +cost of making men look like camels; and if success on the cinderpath +or the road involved giving humanity at large "the hump," one would +stigmatise the Cycle Race as the _In_human Race. Let us hope the +SPEAKER'S sharp words will make our stooping cyclists "sit up"--in +other than the slangy sense of the phrase. + + * * * * * + +Birds of Pray. + + We're told a cormorant sits, and doth not tire, + For a whole month, perched upon Newark spire! + VINNY BOURNE'S jackdaw's beaten, it is clear. + Yet there _are_ cormorants who, year after year, + Perch in the Church. But these omnivorous people + Favour the pulpit mostly, not the steeple. + Thrivers upon fat livings find, no doubt, + Cormorant within is cosier than without. + + * * * * * + +CREAM OF THE CREAM.--"London Society proper"--we are informed by Lady +CHARLES BERESFORD--consists of no more than thirty or forty families! +And how about London Society _improper_? Is _that_ equally sparse and +exclusive? And--terrible thought!--crucial question!--is it possible +that the two orders _overlap_ at all? That there are any "noble +swells" who belong to both? + + * * * * * + +THE GOVERNMENT'S PUBLIC POLICY IN SOUTH AFRICA (ACCORDING TO MR. +SYDNEY BUXTON).--_Not_ "CARRINGTON'S Entire"! + + * * * * * + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes_). + +SCENE XIII.--_"Behind" at the Eldorado._ TIME--_about_ 10 P.M.; _the +Stage at the back of the Scene-cloth is in partial darkness; in the +centre, a pile of lumber and properties. Bare whitewashed brick walls; +at one side, two canvas cabins for the Lady-Artistes to change their +costumes; near them a deal table, with a jug and glasses. At one of +the wings, behind the proscenium, a shelf and small mirror, at which +the Comedians can arrange their make-up, and a frame, in which a +placard, with each Artiste's number, is inserted before his or her +entrance. A "turn" has just been concluded, and the Stage is clear._ + +_The Stage-Manager_ (_bustling up to_ Footman, _in crimson plush +breeches_). Now then, look alive, there, can't you, they're getting +impatient in front. Why don't you change the number? + +_Footman_ (_with aggrieved dignity_). Because, Sir, Mr. ALF REDBEAK +ought to come on, by rights, and, not 'aving chosen to appear yet, I +think you'll see yourself, on reflection, as it would be totally---- + +_Stage-M._ Well, don't argue about it; here's Miss LUSHBOY ready to go +on, put _her_ number up! + +_Footm._ I always understood it was the regulation 'ere that no number +was to be put up until the band-parts were passed into the orchestra; +which Miss LUSHBOY'S music most certainly has not been handed in yet, +and, that bein' so---- + +_Stage-M._ You can spare a good yard off that tongue of yours, you +can; put Miss LUSHBOY'S number up, and----Ah, here comes Mr. REDBEAK; +never mind. + +_Enter_ Mr. REDBEAK, _breathless_. + +_Mr. Redbeak._ Phew! I've had a job to get 'ere in time, I can tell +you. (_The Orchestra strikes up._) 'Ullo, _that_ ain't mine. (_To_ +Footman.) What are you about? Put up my number--sharp, now! + +_Miss Lushboy_ (_to_ Footman). Here, let me go on; I've been messing +about long enough. What are you taking my number out for? + +_Footm._ Now, look 'ere, Miss, I can't please everybody! (_Indicating_ +Stage-Manager.) You are as well aware as what I am that it's for _him_ +to give the word 'ere, not me. I'm on'y actin' under what---- + +_Mr. Redb._ It's crule, you know, that's what it is--crule. I've got +to go right across London for my next turn, and---- + +_The Stage-M._ (_returning_). What the blazes are we waiting for +_now_? ALF, dear boy, you should come up to time. (_To_ Footman.) Why +don't you do as you're told? You're getting too big for your boots, it +strikes me! (_To_ Miss LUSHBOY.) There, go on, my dear, go on. + + [Miss L. _bounds on to the stage, and begins her song_. + +_Mr. Redb._ (_to_ Footman). I've got a bone to pick with you, old +feller. Don't you go wool-gatherin' to-night, as you did last. I've +told you till I'm tired that when you see me chuck this +property piecrust into the wings you've got to throw down these +fire-irons--it's a safe laugh every time it comes off, and you know +'ow important it is, and yet you forget it nine times out of ten! +What's the good of me thinkin' out my business when you go and crab it +for me? + +_Footm._ (_pathetically_). Mr. REDBEAK, Sir, you'll excuse me, but +I'm on'y one man 'ere, I ain't a 'undred. _Don't_ thank 'eaven for +it, Sir, it's 'ard when a man as tries to do his best, and with all my +responsibilities on him---- + +_Mr. Redb._ (_impatiently_). Oh, cheese it; you're not on a stool in +'Ide Park, are you? I'm only _tellin'_ you. + +[Illustration: "It's like singing to a lot of 'ap'ny ices!"] + +_Miss L._ (_on stage, singing chorus_). + + Say, boys, say, if you'd like to come. Who's for a merry old + "Tiddley-um?" + Fall in behind, and we'll all get "blind," before they close the + pub! + You're not jays, so you won't refuse. Join our band, for we're on + the booze, + And you'll see some larks with the rollicking sparks of the Rowdy + Razzle Club! + +(_Here she capers off, brandishing a gibus, and has a difficulty in +opening the practicable door in the wing._ _To_ Footman.) There you +are _again!_ How often am I to tell you to keep that wood open for my +dance off? I break my fingers over it every blessed night, and lose my +encore as well! + +_Footm._ I'm exceedingly sorry, miss, but the fact of the matter is my +attention was took off at the time owing to---- + +_Miss L._ Oh, hold _your_ jaw, do. + +_Footm._ (_to himself_). I'm to hold my jaw! Oh, these hartistes, they +lead me a dorg's life among 'em! + +_Mr. Redb._ (_touching_ Miss L.'s _coat as she passes_). What's that +badge you're wearing? Salvation Army, Temperance, Primrose League, or +what? + +_Miss L._ No, only the colours of the Balls Pond Football Team; +they presented them to me the other day. I told them _I_ didn't play +football. + +_Mr. Redb._ You're pretty fair at the 'igh kick though, ain't you? +There, there. 'Alf time. Goin' on again? + +_Miss L._ With a cold like mine? Not likely. Just look at my +tongue! (_She protrudes the tip of an indigo-coloured tongue for his +inspection._) + +_Mr. Redb._ (_concerned_). Why, it's like one o' those Chow-chow dogs, +I'm blest if it isn't! You _are_ off colour to-night, no mistake! + +_Miss L._ Oh, that's the remedy, not the disease--liquorice, you know. + +_Stage-M._ Now, ALF, if you're in such a hurry, go on. Cut it as short +as you like--no extra turns to-night. + +_Mr. Redb._ No fear. Oh dear, oh dear, such a rush as it is! + + [_He goes on grumbling._ + +_A Small Boy_ (_who has been sitting patiently on a chair by the +wing--to_ Stage-Manager). If you please, Sir, will Mr. WILDFIRE want +me to-night? + +_Miss L._ Want you, indeed, you silly kid! What would Mr. WILDFIRE +want a shrimp like you for? + +_The Boy._ If he's going to do the Sandwich Man 'ere to-night, he'll +want me, _I_ know. Why, it all _depends_ on me, that song does. (_To_ +Stage-M.) _Is_ he going to do the Sandwich Man to-night, Sir? + +_Stage-M._ Oh, don't bother me; wait till he comes and you'll find +out. (_To_ Miss L.) I suppose you've heard he's talking of not +renewing his engagement after to-night--giving up the halls +altogether! + +_Miss L._ And no great loss either! I don't see anything particular +about his songs myself. As for all that gas about his raising the tone +of the halls, it's sickening. Anyone would suppose we _lowered_ it! + +_Miss Cissie Cinders (coming out of a dressing-cabin, in a battered +old velvet hat and broken feathers, with her face smudged)._ Who's +that you're talking about? WILDFIRE? Ah, my dear, this 'Igh Art and +Littery rot'll be the ruin of the 'alls--him and his articles in +the swell magazines, praising us all up--he can keep his praises to +himself--_I_ don't want 'em! I've never set up to refine the public +myself, or else I could fake it easy enough! + + [_She passes on to stage._ + +_Mr. Gus. Tadman_ (_Variety Vocalist_). We could all do it, come to +that. But there, he won't last, you'll see. Why, look at the 'it I +made with my "_Rorty Naughty Nell_"! That _was_ a good song if you +like, and well-written, mind yer. But lor, it's clean forgotten now. +I 'ear WILDFIRE'S bringing out a play to-night at the Hilarity, it'll +serve him right if it gets the bird, going back on his own profession +like that! (_To_ Miss CINDERS, _who has just sung_.) House cold +to-night? + +_Miss Cinders_ (_in a temper_). Cold, it's like singing to a lot +of 'ap'ny ices! I used to have the choruses all sung for me when I +brought out that song first; and now they've let me go off without a +'and! We shall see whether they'll rise to WILDFIRE to-night. Ah, here +he is. Actually coming up to speak to us; there's an honour! + +_Miss Betsy Beno_ (_to_ WILDFIRE, _as he passes the table where she is +sitting waiting for her turn_). 'Ere, WATTY, old man, stop and 'ave +a drop along of me. Do--there's plenty 'ere! (_as_ WILDFIRE _excuses +himself laughingly_). Well, I'm sure--refusing to drink when a lady +goes out of her way to ask him--he hasn't the manners of a pig! And I +draw my sixty quid a week the same as he does! + +_Mr. Tadman._ Well, dear boy, how's the play getting on? Not a frost, +I hope? + +_Wildfire._ No; I just looked in on my way from the Val. here, and +they seemed to think it was all right; but I couldn't stay till the +finish. They're going to send round and let me know. (_To the_ Small +Boy, _who has approached anxiously_.) Oh, there you are, youngster! +Yes, I shall want you--for the last time, you know. + +_The Boy._ Why, you--you ain't going to take the part away from me, +Sir, when I created it, too! + +_Wildf._ (_patting his shoulder kindly_). I'm giving up singing +altogether--that's why. Never mind; I'll see it makes no difference to +you, so don't you distress yourself. We'll find you something or other +to do. + +_The Boy_ (_with a gulp_). If I ain't going to be with _you_ any +more, I--I don't care _what_ 'appens, Sir. I'd as soon throw up the +perfession myself, I would! + + [_He turns away into a dark corner._ + +_Wildf._ (_to himself, as he goes to the wing_). Nice boy that; didn't +think he'd care so much; must keep an eye on him. _Flattery_ must +be over now. I wish I could have stayed to see it out; it was going +magnificently; but there were some rather risky scenes ahead. Still, I +believe it's a success; and, if it is, I shall have done with all this +for ever after to-night. I can go to ALTHEA and tell her, without---- +By Jove! wasn't it to-night that Old TOOVEY was to be in front? I +wonder what he'll think of it. (_He looks at himself in the mirror._) +He'll have some difficulty in recognising me in this get up. Well, I +shall know on Monday. (_He goes on, and sings; then rushes back to the +wing to change his costume, with the assistance of his dresser._) Yes, +the coat, now, dresser, please. (_To himself, as he paints some lines +on his face._) I couldn't see anyone at all like old TOOVEY. Very odd! +They must have sent him the box, I suppose. Well, it doesn't +matter; if he didn't think it necessary to come, so much the better. +(_Aloud._) Wigpaste, please. Now the boards. All right--I'm ready. +(_To the Boy._) Now, youngster, look out for your cue. + + [_He goes on._ + +_The Limelight Man_ (_up in the flies--to himself_). What's wrong with +Mr. WILDFIRE? He as nearly broke down just now as----and I can't keep +the limelight on him nohow to-night! He can't have been drinking--he +ain't _that_ sort. But he do look bad--it's as much as ever he can do +to go through with it; somethink's given him a turn. + +_Wildfire_ (_to himself, as he goes back to the wing, unsteadily_). +She's here--and, what's worse, she's recognised me! She must have, or +she would never have looked like that. If I could only have told her +first; but, to discover it like this,--she'll think I meant to---- +(_He pitches away his boards in a fury._) Well, I've done for +myself--it's all over! (_To his dresser._) A note, eh? + +[_He opens it, and reads the contents mechanically_; Mr. TADMAN +_and one or two other artistes come up with curiosity on seeing his +expression_. + +_Tadm._ Why, WILDFIRE, old man, what's this? Play gone wrong? Never +mind, dear boy, we can't have everything. But what's the report, eh? + +_Wildf._ (_impatiently_). Oh, I don't know. What does it matter now? +(_He lets the note fall._) There, you can read it if you want to know. + + [_He walks away._ + +_Tadm._ (_with complacency_). Poor chap, he's hard hit! But I could +have told him it wasn't to be expected that---- (_He picks up the +note, and reads it with a falling jaw._) Hullo! What's the meaning of +this? It says the piece is a tremendous go--safe for a long run--had +to raise the rag again and again. Why, he'll make his fortune over +this alone; and yet, look at him! (_Pointing to_ WILDFIRE, _who has +seated himself on the pile of lumber, in utter dejection_.) And all +those fools in front clapping and stamping for him to come on again. +What _more_ does the feller want, I wonder! + +END OF SCENE XIII. + + * * * * * + +UNION IS (LOGICAL) WEAKNESS.--The Congregational Union lays it down as +a law, "that the rights of humanity must take precedence of those +of property." We fear this admirable maxim (like equally admirable +Charity) might be made to cover a multitude of sins, from petty +larceny to anarchism. Would it be consonant with the "rights of +humanity," for, say, a Congregational Unionist to object to a poor +tramp stealing his best umbrella on a wet day? + + * * * * * + +ROBERT ON THE COMING SHO. + +WELL, here we are just about gitting to the bend of our Citty Year, +when we changes our raining Sovverain, altho he is but twelve munse +old, and takes on a new one, for better or wuss as the case may +be, and in this case I most suttenly thinks that it would be werry +differcult indeed to change for a better, for it tisn't not only me +and all my tribe, as _Shylock_ calls us, but all the many hundreds, +if not thowsends, as has had a share of the Rite Honnerabel the LORD +MARE'S noble ospitality, must all agree that a more liberaller, or +hospitaler, or hopen artider Gent never entered the honored Manshun +House than him who to ewerybody's regret is a going next week for to +leave it! + +[Illustration] + +Why, I ardly expecs to be beleeved when I says as we have sumtimes had +as many as three or fore grand Bankwets in one week, and the LORD MARE +woud get up as usual the nex morning as if he thort nothink of it! +No more he did, no not ewen when the King of DENMARK himself came +and dined with him at Gildall, and explained to him all about the +unfortnet death of _Prince Hamlet!_ + +I do hear as we are to have such a Lord Mare's Sho as we ain't offen +had, including, above all things that nobody coudn't have emagined, +nothink less than a reel copy of the grand New Tower Bridge, and if +that won't be a site for the estonished Multitood praps somebody will +kindly tell me what woud be. + +There was a tork of asking all the Roossian Sailors, who has been a +having sitch a jolly time of it in France, to run over and jine the +Sho first and the Bankwet arterwards, but it was werry doutful whether +ewen all the Haldermen, much less all the Common Counselmen, coud +have chatted away with them in their own native tung, so the idear was +given up in favour of Fire engines and Fire men. + +I've seen a goodish many Lord Mare's Shos in my time, and hopes to see +a few more, in spite of the gellous growls of another body of gents +as shall be nameless, but it woud suttenly be a grand joke to see the +gellous body elluded to coming out in a London County show of their +own, amid the skoffs and jiers and larfter of the emused Metrolopus! + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +THE "OBERLAND" ROUTE. + + ["A scheme for making a waterway between Switerland and the + Adriatic is to be submitted to the Federal Government at no + very distant date."--_Westminster Gazette._] + + +_British Minister, Bern, to Lord Rosebery, London._--A MR. JONES, who +says he's a British subject, went up Pilatus to get view. Didn't +get it. Also complains of overcharge for candles at his hotel. Have +demanded immediate satisfaction from Swiss Government. Please send +Mediterranean Squadron to Locarno. + +_Lord Rosebery, London, to British Minister, Bern._--Can't spare +the Squadron. Won't a gunboat do? You may speak strongly to Swiss +Government. Tell them insult to JONES is insult to England. Meanwhile, +wire best route for fleet to get up to Bern, if necessary. Don't see +it on map. + +_Brit. Min., B., to Lord R._--Owing to Mediterranean Squadron +not having appeared at Locarno, Swiss Government very aggressive. +Passenger steamers on Lakes of Geneva, Thun, and Lucerne being +converted into a fleet. Special new _corps d'armee_ formed from +Chamounix guides and patriotic hotel waiters. Man (whose name was +ROBINSON) mistaken for JONES, and mobbed in streets last night. Some +kind of Naval Demonstration absolutely necessary. Put ships on rail at +Locarno, send 'em through Gothard Tunnel, and there you are! + +_Lord R. to Brit. Min., B._--British Government recognises gravity of +the JONES incident. What do you advise? Aren't the Alps in the way? + +_Brit. Min., B., to Lord R._--Didn't like to suggest details. Send +ironclads. Ram something. Why not bombard Alps. Gunboat moored at +Devil's Bridge might shell Andermatt. Leave it to you. + +_Lord R. to Brit. Min., B._--Sorry to say, European complications have +now arisen from JONES incident. Swiss Government has offered its fleet +to Russia and France. Triple Alliance tottering. Can't you get Swiss +Government to apologise to JONES, and end business? + +_Brit. Min. to Lord R._--Business _is_ ended. JONES not a British +subject after all, but a Swede, who's travelled in America! Recall +gunboat. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPREAD OF CULTURE DOWNWARDS. + +"ULLO, MARY, WHAT'S THIS? NAME OF THE 'OUSE?" "NO, MR. IGNORANCE; IT'S +A LATIN WORD, AND MEANS 'PLEASE TO WIPE YOUR FEET!'"] + + * * * * * + +"RESH'PROSH'TY." + + ["What struck the TZAR ... in the recent festivities, was + the feeling of fraternity which seemed to pervade the + multitude.... The feeling of concord and fraternity appears + to survive the last echoes of the festivities.... The word + now most frequently heard is 'Amnesty.' This, indeed, is the + fittest coping-stone to prolonged festivities characterised by + universal concord."--_Times' Paris Correspondent._] + + _President._ "Prolonged feshtivitish!" Thash good, that ish! + _Very_ prolonged, ole f'ler, an' _awf'ly_ feshtive! + _Tzar._ Yeah, tha' what shtruck _me!_ (_Aside._) But I really wish + He wouldn't gush. ROMANOFF pride turns reshtive! + _President._ _Sho_ glad it shtruck you sho! An' nurrer thing + You _mush_ ha' notish'd. Feeling of fraternity + All over shop! I shay, may friendship's wing + Ne'er moult a feather, not to all eternity. + _Tzar._ I echosh tha' fine Shwiveller shentiment + Entirely! (_Aside._) I must not appear too sober. + _President._ Now Fransh ish shatishfied--an' world content! + Republic won't forget thish last October! + Feelingsh of concord, cetra, _will_ survive + Last echosh of feshtivitish--for ever! + _Tzar._ Oh, coursh! Asshure you I am quite alive + To reshiproshity--shan't forget it--never! + _President._ Thash ri' ole f'ler! _Our_ resh--hic!--proshity-- + Not like the comic Yankee's, all one shide? + _Tzar._ Certainly not! Shorry to say good-bye! + But though our bodiesh part, our soulsh are tied. + _President._ Precishly! We're _both_ tight--mean tied--in knotsh. + The champagne, an' the speeches, an' the kisshes + Have bound our bosomsh, and combined our lotsh! + _Tzar._ Quite sho! (_Aside._) I'll watch a chance to hint my wishes. + _President._ We've had a jolly time, and now, ole f'ler, + Ash "coping-shtone" to all this talk and toddy, + As shequel to thish patr'otic stir, + I'm going to amneshty--yesh, _everybody!_ + Wha' shay, dear ROMANOFF, will you do same? + Jush show, y' know, that thersh no animoshity! + _Tzar_ (_aside_). Oh, _that_ is the Republic's little game? + Russia can't stand _that_ form of reciprocity! + (_Aloud._) All ri', ole f'ler, you jush leave that to _Me!_ + Mosh noble notion, that shame "coping-shtone!" + By way, ole f'ler, talking of amneshty-- + _Could you just 'blige me with a trifling Loan?_ + + * * * * * + +THE PROFESSION OF--JOURNALISM. + +(_An Entirely Imaginary Letter._) + +Dear MR. B-CH-N-N,--Our famous Third Page rather dull lately. Couldn't +you enliven it up by one of your characteristic letters--say on "The +Profession of Literature"? Say all the old things about its degrading +effect on those who follow it, including yourself--the public loves +to see a vivisection in public--and be sure to spice it well +with distinguished names, such as SW-NB-RN-, R-SS-TT-, etc. Any +depreciatory anecdotes would be very telling, and serve to evoke +indignant _free_ replies from those who wouldn't guess they were +jumping to a prepared bait. I shall count on you for a column. + + Yours faithfully, + + THE EDITOR OF THE ----. + +P.S.--Of course you will be insulted at the usual rate.--ED. + + [_Result--the usual one on the famous Third Page._ + + * * * * * + +Mot by a Member. + +(_During the Debate on the Second Reading of the Parish Councils +Bill._) + + FOWLER was longish, LONG was even longer, + MORE was much less so, STANHOPE little stronger; + But HENEAGE even when brief's sublime + He's not for Hene-age, but for all (our) time! + What a relief after such thrice-skimmed milk + To get truth's cream from ROLLIT and from DILKE! + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST "GLASS OF FASHION."--The dress fashioned of spun-glass, as +a royal robe for the Princess EULALIA of Spain, and exhibited at the +Chicago World's Fair. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "RESH'PROSH'TY." + +M. CARNOT. "WELL, OLE F'LER, WE'VE ALL HAD JOLLY GOOD TIME--AN' I'M +GOING T' AMNESTY EV'RYB'Y!! YOU--DO--SAME!!" + +TZAR. "LEAVE THAT T' ME. BY TH' WAY--COULD YOU 'BLIGE ME--TRIFLIN' +LOAN?"] + + * * * * * + +"BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY." + +(_Rudyard Kipling passim._) + + TOM'S uncle by his will + Left TOM in greatest glory. + There _was_ a codicil-- + "But that's another story." + + PHIL wooed a fair one, KATE; + She met him _con amore_. + The damages were great-- + "But that's another story." + + HUGH'S rent (for an address!) + Was far and wide _in ore_. + His suite now costs him less-- + "But that's another _story_." + + Of readers not a few + Deem RIDER HAGGARD gory. + We have MACBETH, it's true-- + "But that's another story." + + One JOSEPH was enrolled-- + Though now a sort of Tory-- + A Williamite of old-- + "But that's another story." + + Some maids would make it known + They'll wait till locks are hoary, + But wed for love alone-- + "B u t t h a t 's another 'story.'" + + * * * * * + +IN BLACK AND WHITE. + +(_A Modern Glove Romance._) + + THAT pair of gloves you wore when first we met + Were what you called, I think, a "pair of loves." + You won them from your cousin on a bet-- + That pair of gloves. + + Now as to colour, this or that shade proves + A shade expensive, runs you into debt. + Tan's universal, while a tint of dove's + Particularly nice for evening. Yet + Black with white stitching most my fancy moves, + And such were yours. I never can forget + That pair of gloves. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TOO COSTLY. + +_The Vicar._ "DEAR, DEAR, MRS. PRICKLES, I REGRET TO HEAR THAT MRS. +BROWN HAS TREATED YOU SO SHAMEFULLY. I SHOULD COUNSEL YOU TO HEAP +COALS OF FIRE ON HER HEAD----" + +_Mrs. P._ "AH, SIR--THAT'S WOT I _WOULD_ DO, AS SOON AS LOOK AT 'ER: +BUT I CAN'T AFFORD IT AT ONE-AN'-NINEPENCE A 'UNDERDWEIGHT!"] + + * * * * * + +RHODES TO ----? + + SIR HENRY LOCH may hold the key + In Africa, but all must see + That RHODES the handle hath fast grip on, + Shouts "Let her rip!"--despite Lord RIPON. + Cut is poor LOBENGULA'S comb, + 'Tis said that all roads lead to Rome. + The new Ring that old saw explodes; + Where'er we roam we're led to--RHODES. + Whether or no this Great Panjandrum + (Who handles well the pen, sword, _and_ drum) + Is the true friend of Civilisation, + And puts her laws in operation; + At least he can maintain with pride, + He has her Maxims on his side. + + * * * * * + +FABIUS FIN-DE-SIECLE. + + [The Fabian Society, in the _Fortnightly Review_, has + "launched a manifesto, which proposes that the Government + shall be attacked by extreme Radicals because it has only met + them half way."] + + * * * * * + + STRANGE that a "Fabian policy," up-to-date, + Should be so obviously _not_ to wait! + Sure the Society's name is chosen ill! + RUPERT the title-role might fitlier fill. + The Fabian Manifesto frightens no man; + But just conceive the great, but cautious, Roman + Heading a restive, Radical "Ugly Rush"! + Though Patience suffers in the Modern Crush, + Perchance the Socialistic perorator + Might learn a lesson from the great Cunctator! + + * * * * * + +THE CABMAN'S GUIDE TO POLITENESS.--No. II. + +_Question._ I think when you are out of temper, and have been asked +by a Fare, who appears to know more (or less) about distances than you +do, to stop, you pretend not to hear him? + +_Answer._ Yes; and I continue not to hear him until a policeman pulls +me up. + +_Q._ Quite so; and then you have a way of giving a jerk while your +Fare is getting in which either covers a lady's dress with mud, or all +but breaks the leg of a gentleman? + +_A._ Well, I have known such things to happen. + +_Q._ And when you reach your destination, you carefully forget the +number of the street or square, and are equally hard of hearing if +your Fare attempts to direct you? + +_A._ You have hit it, especially if it's raining. + +_Q._ Of course. And when you get your money, you sneer and drive away, +as if you were disgusted? + +_A._ Yes. And as I go off I make as much splash as I can, in the hope +of my late fare getting a dose of the mud. + +_Q._ Exactly. Now, don't you think it would be better to come up +cheerfully, drive carefully, and when you receive your money, observe, +"Well, Sir (or Madam), I know I have no right to more, but times are +hard, and if you would spare an extra sixpence, I should consider it a +real kindness?" Would not that mode be better than the other? Would it +not be more profitable? + +_A._ It might, but I can't say, as I have never tried it. + +_Q._ Again, what is your method of obtaining what you consider to be +your rights from a mother with two boxes and four small children? + +_A._ Why I generally swear at the kids and sit on the boxes until I am +paid what I ask, or get sent to the right-abouts by a policeman. + +_Q._ No doubt; yet such a course seems both barbarous and +inconvenient. Could you not improve upon it? + +_A._ Not I. It is the right thing to do, and that is why I do it. + +_Q._ And yet would it not be as easy for you to help the boxes +down yourself, and then to make friends with the mother through her +children? Could you not observe, "Bless their hearts, they are fine +lads, or young ladies (as the case might be), and you should be proud +of them, mum?" + +_A._ Yes, I might say that, but I don't think the mother would come +down with the cash any quicker on account of it. + +_Q._ But supposing, when you were offered less than you thought due +to you, could you not observe, "I have children of my own, mum, and +if you could spare a couple of shillings (or half-a-crown, or what you +thought right) more, it would be a real kindness, and give my children +something more than bread and water for dinner?" Could you not say +that? + +_A._ I might, but I won't. + +_Q._ But surely it would be pleasanter for you to be amiable and +courteous instead of a bully and a brute? And would it not be easier, +too? + +_A._ Try for yourself. Just you drive a cab for a dozen hours in all +weathers, and then you will learn what chances you have of feeling +light-hearted and polite! + + * * * * * + +PREPARING FOR CHRISTMAS. + +(_A Yule-tide Story told in Advance._) + +Yes, SCROOGE was an altered man! He was genial and amiable, and +altogether an estimable being. SCROOGE'S nephew was delighted with the +change. He could scarcely believe his ears and eyes. + +"And don't you really interfere with the theatres, Sir?" asked +SCROOGE'S nephew. "At one time you were always telling them to take +down this, and put up that, and making the lives of the managers +burdens to them. Don't you interfere any longer?" + +"Of course not, my lad," replied SCROOGE, heartily. "Why should +I? This is the pleasantest world imaginable, and it would be less +charming without its playhouses." + +"Right you are, Sir," returned SCROOGE'S nephew; "but I suppose you +look in occasionally at the halls to supervise the entertainments?" + +"I look in to enjoy them, my boy!" cried SCROOGE, with a ringing +laugh, that could be heard for furlongs. "What do they want with _my_ +supervision?" + +"I am sure I don't know, uncle; but I thought it was a way you had. +And then you are going to strip the hoardings of the posters, aren't +you?" + +"I strip the hoardings of the posters! Why should I? The hoardings +look a precious sight better covered with pictures than left to dirt +and decay. I interfere with the hoardings! I never heard of such a +thing! What put _that_ into your head?" + +"Well, it used to be an old way of yours," returned SCROOGE'S nephew. +"Why, uncle, don't you remember? You used to be interfering with +and ordering about everything. Taking up the road and closing the +thoroughfare. Bothering the costermongers and the retail shopkeepers +and the small householders. In fact, making yourself a general +nuisance in all directions. Why, uncle, you have entirely changed your +nature!" + +"Not at all," said SCROOGE. "I am not changed, but my office is. Do +you not know that I have ceased to be a member of the London County +Council?" + +"No, this is the first time I have heard of it! Why, that accounts +for everything! It explains why you are a pleasant, good-natured +old gentleman in lieu of a curmudgeon and a brute. It explains +everything." + +And it did! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MISUNDERSTOOD. + +_Noble Philanthropist._ "THAT PARCEL SEEMS RATHER HEAVY FOR YOU, MY +LITTLE MAN! LET ME TAKE IT!" + +_Small boy._ "LET YER TYKE MY PARCEL! GARN WITH YER. I'LL CALL THE +PERLICE!"] + + * * * * * + +NAME! NAME!--No name has been announced for the new daily paper +projected by Mr. STEAD. In view of the plan frankly set forth in the +prospectus, whereby one hundred thousand persons are to subscribe the +capital, and if the venture proves a success the enterprising editor +is to have the option of acquiring the property, a suitable title +would be, _Heads-I-Win-Tails-You-Lose_. It is a little long, perhaps; +but it precisely describes the relative positions, and you can't--at +least some people can't--have everything. + + * * * * * + +DRAMATIC RECIPE (FROM THE QUEEN'S COOKERY BOOK).--First catch your +HARE. + + * * * * * + +THE DARK CONTINENT IN TWO LIGHTS. + + SCENE--_A conquered country._ TIME--_The Past. Conquerors + (colonists) panting after their hard work in defeating the + natives. Enter an_ Official. _The remaining members of the + Colonial Band sing the National Anthem._ + +_Official._ I congratulate you upon your success. The more especially +as you have gained it without the assistance of the Imperial power. +(_The Colonists indulge in feeble cheers._) But now my turn has +arrived. In the name of the SOVEREIGN I claim this land for England! + + [_Plants the British Flag. Curtain._ + + SCENE--_As before._ TIME--_The Present. Conquerors (colonists) + smoking after the pleasant toil of mowing down the natives. + Enter an_ Official. _The Colonial Band (in its entirety) takes + no notice_. + +_Official._ I congratulate you upon your success. The more especially +as you have gained it without the assistance of the Imperial power. +(_The Colonists indulge in roars of laughter._) But now my turn has +arrived. In the name of the SOVEREIGN I claim this land for England! + +_Colonists._ No you don't! Be off! We can get on without you! + + [_Turns Official and his Flag out of the Country. Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +ARGENTINA. + + [It is stated that JABEZ S. BALFOUR is living "in a perfect + fairy-land."] + + I Dreamt that I dwelt in marble halls, + With orchids on every side, + A very long way from Old Bailey's walls, + Where NEWTON and HOBBS were tried. + I had riches too great to count; could boast + Of JABEZ, an elegant name; + And I also dreamt, which charmed me most, + Argentina loved me the same. + + I dreamt that my country let me go, + In an indolent sort of way, + For Scotland Yard did not seem to know + It would "want" me another day. + So they carefully closed the stable-door, + When I'd fled beyond reach of blame; + And I also dreamt, which charmed me more, + Argentina loved me the same. + + I dreamt that detectives sought my hand, + But their warrants I could not see. + So their vows my swindler's heart could withstand, + Though they pledged their faith to me. + Buenos Ayres' bold, brazen face, + Never glows with the blush of shame; + Though I should be lynched in a decent place, + Argentina loves me the same. + + * * * * * + +A GREAT FIELD FOR HUMORISTS ANNUALLY.--"_Wit acres'_ Almanack." + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M. P. + +_House of Commons, Thursday, November_ 2.--Began work again to-day as +if nothing had happened from February to September. Understood to +have had a recess; so short hardly worth mentioning. Considering all +circumstances, attendance marvellously large. MARJORIBANKS got his men +together as usual, crowding benches on Ministerial side. Opposition +not in quite such a hurry to wash their spears; but muster creditable. +Irish camp deserted. "You see," said JUSTIN MCCARTHY, "it isn't our +funeral. But the bhoys are hanging round and will turn up if wanted." + +HENRY FOWLER moved Second Reading Parish Councils Bill. Adroit and +able speech; rather hard on WALTER LONG; to him deputed position of +spokesman on Front Opposition bench. Brought down notes of convincing +speech. FOWLER getting in first anticipated all his objections; +met them with benevolent alacrity that disarmed hostility. What did +statesmen opposite want? Anything in reason should be conceded. "Give +your orders, gents, whilst the waiter's in the room." + +[Illustration: PARLIAMENT BY +PROXY.] + +This an admirable stroke of business, but a little depressing from +spectacular point of view. No more pyrotechnics; no further meetings +on the floor; no more grips at close quarters. HAYES FISHER looked on +moodily; LOGAN passed Front Opposition bench without once so much as +looking at place where CARSON is accustomed meekly to repose. +Respectable elderly gentlemen like FRANCIS POWELL and JEFFREYS took +the floor. Even contumacious COBB admitted soothing influence of the +hour. Didn't want anything more than that Parish Councils should have +power to take land wherever they found it, and divide it amongst the +poor. As everybody agreed Bill in the main desirable, and since FOWLER +had promised fullest consideration of amendments in Committee, seemed +natural thing to do was forthwith to read Bill second time, and fix +date of Committee. + +[Illustration: Parish Councils.] + +"No, Sir," said STANLEY LEIGHTON, "I trust the House of Commons is +not yet sunk so low as that. Confess I myself feel depressed. Couldn't +to-night adequately fill my favourite and popular part of The Man +from Shropshire. At least I'll deliver House from disgrace of bringing +debate to a close for the puerile reason that we're all agreed Second +Reading shall be taken." + +So he wandered on; was just warming into Man-from-Shropshire manner, +when midnight sounded and Debate stood adjourned. + +_Business done._--Second Reading Parish Councils Bill moved. + +_Friday._--For middle-aged gentleman of long experience never saw man +so discomposed as JESSE COLLINGS was just now, when he let cat out of +bag about future arrangements of the Unionists personal to himself. +What is to be done with the Faithful One when JOSEPH comes into his +own is favourite speculation in smoke-room. SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE +takes special interest in matter. Most men think JESSE should have +Cabinet rank in Coalition Ministry. + +"No," says the SAGE, "he should be a Viceroy, either of India or +Canada. Cut out for the place; and there would be no question of +salary, such as, seven years ago, embittered his relations with Mr. +G." + +All these conjectures beside the point. Matter has, apparently, been +settled in inner councils of party, and to-night JESSE accidentally, +inadvertently, lifted the veil. "I have," he said, in course of +luminous speech prefaced by addressing the SPEAKER as "Mr. Mayor," +"something to say on that subject, but I will reserve my remarks for +another place." House not very full at moment. But everyone knows +meaning of House of Commons phrase "another place." Sensation +profound. Bordesley soon to be bereft, for JESSE COLLINGS is going to +the Lords! HENRY MATTHEWS, a local authority on the subject, says even +title been fixed upon. Nothing less than territorial style will do +for the ex-Mayor and Radical Alderman. Soon the Upper House will greet +Lord BORDESLEY of Birmingham. + +Quiet night, with further talk round Parish Councils Bill. Mr. G. +present, seated between SQUIRE OF MALWOOD and JOHN MORLEY. Singularly +subdued in manner; takes no part in discussion; goes off to dinner in +good time, and House sees him no more. + +"And to think," said the SQUIRE, glancing sideways at the placid +figure beside him, "that this is the man painted in red and blue by +Unionist pavement-artists. Their stories of Mr. G. always remind me +of a passage in a theme produced by a young gentleman invited to state +what he knew of Cardinal WOLSEY. + + "'In the siege of Quebec,' he wrote, 'he ascended the + mountains at dead of night, when his enemies were at rest, and + took the town at daybreak. His home policy was conducted in a + similar manner.' + +"There is about that a picturesque air of circumstantiality, combined +with a fanciful inaccuracy, equalled only by things one reads or hears +with reference to my right hon. friend, and revered leader." + +[Illustration: Ireland takes a back seat. Sir William on the Premier's +right again.] + +_Business done._--Some papers on Parish Councils read. + + * * * * * + +Double Entente. + + The TZAR, on peace and friendship all intent, + To France his Admiral AVELLAN has sent. + 'Twere pity if this Russian olive-branch + Portended merely General AVALANCHE. + + * * * * * + +Mrs. R. is astonished to hear that "Count TAAFFE, the Austrian +Premier, is an Irishman and a Member of the British House of Lords." +She says she is sure she has heard that "TAAFFE was a Welshman, TAAFFE +was a ----," but she must have been misinformed!!! + + * * * * * + +A STRIKE-ING SUGGESTION.--The PITT-coalition was a brilliant idea in +its day. A coalition between masters and miners--a Pit-coal-ition, in +fact--would solve the strike difficulty. + + * * * * * + +THE FRENCH FLAG. + +AN AMICABLE APPEAL. + + The Arab dhow to the chase is gone, + Chock-full of slaves you'll discover it; + And the British cruiser is artfully done + By the French Flag flying over it! + "Flag of France!" cries the British Tar, + "The Arab hound betrays thee. + Give him his due, at Zanzibar, + And all the world shall praise thee!" + + The captain and crew by the Franks were tried, + And _escaped_--to the wide world's wonder! + Oh glorious Flag! Is it then its pride + That the slavers hide thereunder? + Let France disdain to sully thee, + With the curst kidnapper's knavery! + Thy folds should float o'er the brave and free, + And _never_ protect foul Slavery! + + * * * * * + +Misnomer. + + "FEDERATION" seems aggravation, + Conciliation's dead! + While fights the "Miners' Federation," + The Miners are _un_fed! + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST AUTUMN FASHIONS.--Parliamentary Sessions and Feather +Trimmings. Both involving cruelty to bipeds "on the wing," and each +"more honoured in the breach than the observance." + + * * * * * + +An Ulsterical Impromptu. + +(_By an Orange-hating Nationalist._) + + In Parliament assembled see them move + Their resolutions lacking rhyme and reason, + Determined all at any cost to prove + The Ulster Parliament's a Cloak to Treason! + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +105, NOVEMBER 11, 1893*** + + +******* This file should be named 39420.txt or 39420.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/3/9/4/2/39420 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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