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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105, November 18, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: April 11, 2012 [EBook #39424] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, LONDON CHARIVARI, NOV 18, 1893 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page229" id="page229"></a>[pg 229]</span> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h1>Punch, or the London Charivari</h1> + +<h2>Volume 105, November 18th 1893</h2> + +<h4><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></h4> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2 class="sans">"THE PAPER OF THE DAY AFTER TO-MORROW."</h2> + +<blockquote><p> +[In one of the magazines an entire +article has been transmitted to the +office, not by the post, but by mental +suggestion.—<i>News paragraph.</i>] +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">SCENE</span>—<i>Editor's Room of "The +Mental Mirror of the Universe."</i> +<span class="sc">TIME</span>—<i>An hour before +publication.</i> Editor <i>and</i> Chief-Sub. +<i>discovered in consultation</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Editor.</i> Dear me, Mr. <span class="sc">Payste</span>, +this is very annoying! Debate on +Africa in the House to-night, and +our leader-writer has sent in no +copy! Why did you not communicate +with me?</p> + +<p><i>Chief-Sub.</i> Well, Sir, as you +were dining with the Duke, I did +not like to disturb you, especially +as I had arranged matters. I +have got some one else to knock +off the article.</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> Very good, and where does +it come from?</p> + +<p><i>Chief-Sub.</i> I turned on the +mentophone and found Lord <span class="sc">Macaulay</span> +disengaged.</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> Of course he writes smartly +enough, but I should have thought +he was scarcely sufficiently well-up +in the subject.</p> + +<p><i>Chief-Sub.</i> So he said, Sir: so +we applied to Sir <span class="sc">Walter Raleigh</span>, +who has sent in a good +column.</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> His English, I am afraid, +is a trifle old-fashioned.</p> + +<p><i>Chief Sub.</i> Well, yes, Sir; a +little. But I gave it to one of +our subs. who has made black +letter a study, and between them +they have turned out a very decent +leader. Sorry to say the wire +has broken down between London +and the seat of the war, so we +have no despatches.</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> Distinctly annoying! However, +I think I can put myself in +communication with our special. +(<i>Takes a pen in his right hand, +and commences writing.</i>) Well, +what next?</p> + +<p><i>Chief Sub.</i> But shall I not disturb +you?</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> Not at all; my right hand +is in sympathy with <span class="sc">Longbow</span>, +so I need not pay any attention +to what he is sending us until he +gets to the end of his copy. +Everything else right?</p> + +<p><i>Chief Sub.</i> I think I may venture +to say "Yes," Sir. Mrs. +<span class="sc">Covers</span>, who does our reviews, +has neglected to send in her stuff, +but I have used the mentophone +again in that case. Put on +<span class="sc">Charles Lamb</span>. And I think +that's all, save, as there is a +letter about the authorship of +<i>Hamlet</i>, I have got <span class="sc">William +Shakspeare</span> to answer it himself. +And now, Sir, I would +suggest that, as we are rather +full up this evening, you might +conclude that dispatch as quickly +as possible.</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> My hand has just done +writing. (<i>Gives copy to</i> Chief +Sub.) Anything worth a line for +the bill?</p> + +<p><i>Chief Sub.</i> (<i>after perusal</i>). +Well, yes, Sir. I find there has +been a battle, so we may as well +give that.</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> Everything right now?</p> + +<p><i>Chief Sub.</i> Everything, Sir.</p> + +<p><i>Ed.</i> Well, now you can send +down the paper to press as soon as +you please. (<i>Exit</i> Chief Sub. <i>to +carry out directions</i>.) Dear me! It +really simplifies matters considerably +when waves of thought will +do as well as the electric telegraph.</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>The Curtain falls upon the</i> Editor's +<i>very natural reflection</i>.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 350px;"><a href="images/229-800.png"><img src="images/229-350.png" width="350" height="484" alt="SANCTA SIMPLICITAS." /></a> +<h2 class="sans">SANCTA SIMPLICITAS.</h2> + +<p><i>Housemaid.</i> "<span class="sc">We're getting up a Sweepstakes, Mrs. Thrupp. +Won't you join</span>?"</p> + +<p><i>Housekeeper.</i> "<span class="sc">Gracious me, Child; not I! Why if I <i>won</i> a +Horse I shouldn't know what to <i>do</i> with him</span>!"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>TO THE SEA.</h3> + +<h4><i>An Expostulation.</i></h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh, smooth and smiling! I have loved thee well!</p> +<p>Hymned thee, and heard thee; lived beneath thy spell;</p> +<p>For years thy life-giving ozone have bless'd,</p> +<p>That makes loose garments tighter round the chest.</p> +<p>Paced in the dark thy sounding margent white,</p> +<p>And voiced my rapture in the boisterous night,</p> +<p>Striking the lurking coastguard with affright.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Now on my barque—ah, no! no barque be mine!</p> +<p>On the new packet of the Angler Line,</p> +<p>I learn, too late, when fairly out at sea,</p> +<p>How well they speak who speak not well of thee</p> +<p>Implacable, inscrutable Emirs</p> +<p>Mock not the captured foe of bloodstained years</p> +<p>As thou hast mock'd one who ne'er did thee wrong,</p> +<p>Save in the venial fault of unexpressive song.</p> +<p>Or canst thou this unmeasured vengeance take,</p> +<p>Remembering some childish duck-and-drake,</p> +<p>Forgotten long, and never done in spite?</p> +<p>How could it harm thy navy-rending might,</p> +<p>Thou, whose huge waves in wanton affluence bang</p> +<p>Their heads against the rocks, in mid-air hang,</p> +<p>Up the sheer cliffs clamber with foamy claws,</p> +<p>And backward plunge again, with mad applause</p> +<p>Of all the turbulent, tumultuous press</p> +<p>That hurl themselves to spray in wantonness?</p> +<p>Prone, but unconquered, I have roll'd to leeward,</p> +<p>Soothed by the merciless mercy of the steward.</p> +<p>How can I stand when hardest steel and teak</p> +<p>Play a vertiginous game of hide-and-seek?</p> +<p>All is a-swing and dipping and a-roll.</p> +<p>Oh, vain material creed! Th' informing soul!</p> +<p>Proves well its immateriality,</p> +<p>Defying thus the tortures of the sea,</p> +<p>That force all else to helpless surrender;</p> +<p>For aught but very Spirit would prefer</p> +<p>To seek at once the illimitable inane,</p> +<p>Than cognisant of anguish thus remain</p> +<p>The tenant of a desolated shrine,</p> +<p>A bare clay cabin, like this frame of mine.</p> +<p>Oh, rich saloons! Oh, rooms of wretched state!</p> +<p>The pomp and glory of you all I hate!</p> +<p>Ye fulsome diving dados, would ye were</p> +<p>Extinct as your vocabular congener!</p> +<p>Place me where errant icebergs, anchored deep</p> +<p>By chains of frost, a darkling vigil keep,</p> +<p>Fixed in the pole's impenetrable wall,</p> +<p>Dead to the warmer ocean's roving call!</p> +<p>Far from this liquid way that heaves and rolls,</p> +<p>This world-long switchback, bounded by the poles,</p> +<p>This path of pain, whose undulations cease</p> +<p>Only in that palæocrystic peace!</p> +<p>Nay, what is this? How steady! Here we are!</p> +<p>Field breezes mingle with the oil and tar,</p> +<p>And with a shudder I behold anear</p> +<p>The solid weed-hung timbers of the pier.</p> +<p>Perfidious sea! I'll trust thee never more,</p> +<p>And mock thy fury safely from the shore.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>TO HEBE.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>See the Report of the Lady Commissioners on +Women's Labour.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Waitress! with the dimpled chin,</p> +<p>Cap as clean as a new pin,</p> +<p>Here's a feather to put in!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>For Miss <span class="sc">Orme's</span> report declares</p> +<p>That no male with you compares</p> +<p>In the showing off of wares.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Be it counter, be it bar,</p> +<p>You can "dress" it—you're its star,</p> +<p>Bright, and <i>most</i> particular!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Grievances you have, no doubt;</p> +<p>Which of us exists without?</p> +<p>Still, you do not pine or pout.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Standing with reluctant feet</p> +<p>Always ready, trim, and neat,</p> +<p>No one tells <i>you</i>—"Take a seat!"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Hours are long, and meal-time short,</p> +<p>Mashing bores, who think it "sport,"</p> +<p>Say the things they didn't ought!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Gather, then, the tips that fall;</p> +<p>Don't let vulgar chaff appal;</p> +<p>To the Bar you've had your "call"!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Con. for Competitive Sportsmen.</span>—<i>Q.</i> +What is the most unpopular thing in the +(sporting) world? <i>A.</i> A "record," because +it is always being "cut," by everybody, +everywhere, every day.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page230" id="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/230-1300.png"><img src="images/230-500.png" width="500" height="577" alt="THE GREAT AFRICAN LION-TAMER." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">THE GREAT AFRICAN LION-TAMER.</h3></div> + +<blockquote><p> +["He fully admitted the difficulties of the Government and Sir <span class="sc">Henry +Loch</span>. Both found themselves to be in a most exceptionally difficult +position, created by those who had gone before them by granting in the +wrong way the charter to the Company. He admitted that both Lord <span class="sc">Ripon</span> +and Sir <span class="sc">Henry Loch</span> did their best in the circumstances for a long time to +maintain peace; both urged that war should be avoided.... Mr. <span class="sc">Rhodes</span> +was Prime Minister of Cape Colony, and obviously Sir <span class="sc">Henry Loch</span> had an +exceedingly difficult position in dealing as Prime Minister and as the head +of the Company with that gentleman, to whom he could not say that he did +not quite believe him, and that he was forcing on the war."—<i>Mr. Labouchere +on the Chartered Company and Matabeleland.</i>] +</p></blockquote> + +<p><i>Lion-Tamer</i> (<i>grandly</i>). "Walk up, walk up, ladies and gentlemen! +See the great African live lion, Matabele—called Lo Ben +for short—larger than (average) life, and thrice as natural as +normal (menagerie) nature! Walk up! Walk up! Taming +process just about to begin——</p> + +<p><i>Agent of Menagerie Proprietor</i> (<i>sotto voce</i>). Oh, well you +know—subject, +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page231" id="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span> +of course, to—ahem!—every provision being made +for—a—<i>humanity</i>—and—ahem—every +precaution being taken against—a—a—needless +risks, you know, and—a—obvious cruelty, you see—and—ahem!—all +that sort of thing, don't you know.</p> + +<p><i>Lion-Tamer</i> (<i>nettled</i>). No, I <i>don't</i> know, dontcher know. And +what's more I don't believe <i>you</i> know, dontcher know, nor your +guv'nors neither, for that matter. What <i>is</i> your little game, +anyhow?</p> + +<p><i>Agent</i> (<i>with some assumption of dignity</i>). We have <i>no</i> "little +game." Little Game is not the word. Lions, I believe, are generally +called "Big Game," by <span class="sc">Nimrods</span> and others.</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>Sniggers as one who has scored.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lion-Tamer</i> (<i>sardonically</i>). <span class="sc">Nimrod</span>, indeed! Ah! a mighty +hunter before the Lords <i>you</i> are, ain't you? You and your lot! +Rural rabbits and parochial foxes are G——'s "Big Game," eh?</p> + +<p><i>Agent.</i> This is neither the time nor the place to argue that point. +Your business is lion-taming; ours is menagerie-managing.</p> + +<p><i>Lion-Tamer</i> (<i>scornfully</i>). All right, my noble swell! Manage +<i>him!</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>Pointing to Lion, who is ramping and roaring.</i></p> + +<p><i>Agent.</i> Not at all, not at all!</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>Spectators become impatient.</i></p> + +<p><i>Lion-Tamer.</i> Well, look here, do you want this lion tamed for +you, or do you <i>not</i>?</p> + +<p><i>Agent.</i> Why, cert'n'ly! Subject of course to the assistance—ahem!—I +<i>should</i> say <i>supervision</i> of <span class="sc">Loch</span> and myself.</p> + +<p><i>Lion-Tamer.</i> Ah, "supervise" away as much as you please, only +don't interfere with me. The old game! Stand by while I do the +dangerous part of the business, hamper me as much as you can, and +when, in spite of you all, I am successfully through, take the business—and +the credit—over yourselves!</p> + +<p><i>Agent</i> (<i>aside</i>). Wonderful man, very. Wish I quite knew what +to make of him. Lion-tamers, like fire, are excellent servants, but +bad masters. All alike, all alike, <span class="sc">Clive</span>, <span class="sc">Warren Hastings</span>, +Rajah <span class="sc">Brooke</span>, Jamaica <span class="sc">Eyre</span>, <span class="sc">Bartle Frere</span>, +<span class="sc">Gordon</span>, all wonderful, +and—in the end—very useful, but worrying, worrying!</p> + +<p><i>Lion-Tamer</i> (<i>proceeding</i>). Walk up, walk up, ladies and +gentlemen! All in to begin! See the big black-maned African +lion, fresh from Mashonaland wilds; bigger than <span class="sc">Churchill</span> ever +chased or <span class="sc">Selous</span> slew, or <span class="sc">Van Amburgh</span> subdued, tamed in the +twinkling of an assegai, conquered in the 'tss! of a Hotchkiss, by +the Great South African Lion-Tamer, <span class="sc">Rhodorowdidow</span> the Rumbistical.</p> + +<p><i>Spectators.</i> Hooray! Hooray!! Hoo-<i>ray!!!</i></p> + +<p><i>Agent</i> (<i>aside</i>). How wonderfully popular these thrasonical wild-beast +tamers and prancing proconsul sort of fellows are—with the gallery!</p> + +<p><i>Lion-Tamer</i> (<i>to attendant</i>). I say, just hand me the loaded whip, +and—keep the poker hot, in case of emergency——</p> + +<p><i>Agent</i> (<i>hurriedly</i>). Oh, here, I say; that will never do, +<span class="sc">Rhodorowdidow</span>!</p> + +<p><i>Lion-Tamer</i> (<i>impatiently</i>). What do you mean?</p> + +<p><i>Agent.</i> Why, you know, loaded bludgeons and red-hot pokers <i>read</i> +too much like—<i>Cruelty to Animals!</i> What <i>would</i> <span class="sc">Labby</span> and +the Humanitarians say? You're none too popular already, you know, +in certain quarters. Your masterful little ways and monetary +success have put a good many backs up. We mustn't run any needless +risks, <span class="sc">Rhodo</span>. <i>Wouldn't</i> this little toy-whip and this big +bottle of (<i>medicated</i>) rose-water do as well?</p> + +<p><i>Lion-Tamer</i> (<i>scornfully</i>). <i>Was it with Rose-water that "John +Company" tamed your Indian tiger for you?</i></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/231-1500.png"><img src="images/231-600.png" width="600" height="383" alt="TWO WAYS OF LOOKING AT IT." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">TWO WAYS OF LOOKING AT IT.</h3> + +<p><i>Sporting Farmer</i> (<i>who has been kind enough to give a mount to our +friend 'Arry</i>). "<span class="sc">Now then! they're away. Don't you see +they're gone?</span>"</p> + +<p><i>'Arry</i> (<i>who has been having a very bad time</i>). "<span class="sc">Eh! gone! and +not comin' back? Wot a blessin'!</span>"</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>YOU NEVER WROTE.</h3> + +<h4>(<i>To Another Man's Fiancée.</i>)</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>You never wrote a single word, though I</p> +<p class="i2">Sent prompt congratulations in a note,</p> +<p>You gave my well-meant greetings the go-by—</p> +<p class="i14"> You never wrote.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Do you remember when we took a boat,</p> +<p class="i2">And slowly drifted 'neath a summer sky?</p> +<p>Perhaps you don't. In fact, perhaps, you vote</p> +<p class="i2">Such memories a bore. You can't deny</p> +<p>That, politician-like, you turned your coat,</p> +<p class="i2">In fine, you jilted me. Is not that why</p> +<p class="i14"> You never wrote?</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Mrs. R.</span> heard in Scotland that <span class="sc">Monson</span> was always a bit of a +scapegoat.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page232" id="page232"></a>[pg 232]</span> + +<h2 class="sans">UNDER THE ROSE.</h2> + +<h4>(<i>A Story in Scenes.</i>)</h4> + +<p><span class="sc">Scene</span> XIV.—<i>The Study at Hornbeam Lodge.</i></p> + +<p><span class="sc">Time</span>—<i>Saturday night, about</i> 11.30. Mr. <span class="sc">Toovey</span> <i>is +alone</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toovey</i> (<i>to himself</i>). Oh the inestimable blessing of having +nothing on one's mind again! How providential that I found +<span class="sc">Larkins</span> in! He was a little unsympathetic at first, to be sure; he +<i>would</i> have it that I must have known all along what the +Eldorado really was! but as soon as he saw how strongly I felt +about it, he was <i>most</i> helpful. I could <i>not</i> have gone to that place +this evening; how could I have met <span class="sc">Cornelia's</span> eye after it? As it +is, I can face her without—— Surely she is later than usual from +this Zenana meeting! (<i>Wheels are heard outside.</i>) A cab? I do +hope nothing is the matter! Why, that sounds like—like a <i>latchkey!</i> +Can it be—ah!—a dispute with the cabman—it <i>must</i> be +<span class="sc">Cornelia</span>!</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>The front door bangs.</i></p> + +<p><i>A Voice</i> (<i>in earnest remonstrance through the keyhole</i>). 'Ere, I +say, you don't sneak off like <i>that</i>, you know! I <i>knowed</i> you was +no good the minnit I clapped +eyes on you! Are you going to +gimme my legal fare or not? +I ain't goin' till I git it. I +want another shellin' orf o' you +I do!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). +Another shilling? Why, it's +under a mile! He little knows +my wife's principles if he +expects——</p> + +<p><i>The Voice.</i> You orter be +<i>ashimed</i> o' yourself! A lydy +like you to tyke a man orf his +rank at this toime o' noight, +all the w'y from——(<i>The +front door is hastily unlocked +again.</i>) Thankee, mum, thankee; +lor, I only want what's my doo, +and the distance 'ere from——</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>The door shuts with a bang.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> She's given him +the extra shilling—she <i>can't</i> be +well! I'm afraid she's really +poorly. She's gone into the +drawing-room, but there are no +lights there. She'll be here +directly.</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>He sits up expectantly.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>to herself, in the +hall</i>). Just as I expected. +<span class="sc">Theophilus</span> not home yet! I +shall sit up for him in the +study. (<i>She opens the study +door, and starts</i>.) So <i>there</i> you +are, Pa! And pray when did +<i>you</i> come in?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>mildly</i>). Yes, my +love, here I am; I've been in a +long while, quite a long while.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>to herself</i>). And +he imagines I believe <i>that!</i> +(<i>Aloud.</i>) I understood you intended +to spend the evening +with <span class="sc">Charles</span>.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> So I did, my dear, so I did. I went to his rooms.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> And you went out somewhere together, Pa? Come, +you won't deny <i>that!</i></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). What a mercy I didn't go to that +Eldorado! I should have <i>had</i> to tell her! (<i>Aloud.</i>) Why you see +we—we didn't go anywhere. I found <span class="sc">Charles</span> was engaged to dine +with a friend, so I went away again.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>to herself</i>). A very likely story! Where has +<span class="sc">Theophilus</span> +learnt such brazen duplicity? (<i>Aloud.</i>) Oh! and then of +course you came straight home?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> Why, no, my love; not immediately. I—I suddenly +recollected that I had to see a friend on—on a little matter of business +which was—hem—somewhat pressing, so I went there first of all.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>to herself, contemptuously</i>). Exactly the excuse in all +those horrid songs! (<i>Aloud.</i>) And the business kept you rather +late, eh, Pa? Some business <i>is</i> apt to do so, I know!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>to himself</i>). She makes me almost feel as if I'd gone +after all! (<i>Aloud.</i>) I <i>was</i> a little late, my dear, not so very. I +suppose I must have been home between eight and nine, and <span class="sc">Phœbe</span> +brought me up some nice cold mutton and the apple-tart, so I did +very well, very well indeed.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>to herself</i>). If he is deceiving me, I can soon find +out +from the look of the joint and tart!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> By the way, my love, surely <i>you</i> are rather late this +evening, are you not? it's nearly twelve!</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>to herself, with a start</i>). Oh, but I will <i>not</i> +fib unless +he forces me to. (<i>Aloud.</i>) I—I was detained later than I expected.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> And you didn't expect to be back so very early either, +for you took the latchkey, didn't you?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Mrs. Toov.</span> I happened to find it, Pa, and I thought I might as +well use it—and why not?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> It was most thoughtful of you, my love, to think of +saving <span class="sc">Phœbe</span>. By the way, do you notice——? (<i>He looks round +him suspiciously.</i>) Ah, well, it may be my fancy. And you had a +successful meeting? were there many interesting speeches?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov</i> (<i>choking</i>). As—as interesting as usual, +<span class="sc">Theophilus</span>! +(<i>To herself.</i>) I 'm sure <i>that's</i> true enough!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> And supper provided afterwards, I suppose? Which +accounts for your being late. Dear—dear me!</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>His face grows troubled again.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Is there any reason why there <i>shouldn't</i> be supper +afterwards, Pa?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> Not in <i>that</i> house. +Our dear friends the <span class="sc">Cumberbatches</span> +do everything on such +a truly hospitable scale. Now, +most people in their position +would have considered tea and +coffee and sandwiches <i>quite</i> sufficient. +Was it a <i>hot</i> supper, my +love?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>desperately</i>). Yes—no—<i>rather</i> +hot—I didn't +notice. You ask such preposterous +questions, <span class="sc">Theophilus</span>!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> I didn't mean to. +I was just a little surprised, +do you know, at your taking a +cab for such a short distance. I +thought you might have felt +unwell; but perhaps dear Mrs. +<span class="sc">Cumberbatch</span> insisted——</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Why, of course, +Pa; you know how kind and +considerate she is; otherwise +I should never have dreamed +of——</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> Just what I +thought, my love. But wasn't +the cabman rather uncivil? I +wonder you gave way to him—unless, +of course, he was drunk.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> He <i>was</i>—disgracefully +drunk, Pa; if you +heard so much, you must have +noticed that; and how you +could sit quietly here and never +think of coming to my assistance! +Ah, it is hardly for <i>you</i> +to reproach me for submitting +to his extortion!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> Indeed, my love, +I'd no idea—you are generally +so very firm with cabmen that—— +(<i>Changing the subject.</i>) +By-the-bye, I don't know if you +noticed a note for you lying on the hall table? It must have come +after you left. It looked to me wonderfully like dear Mrs. +<span class="sc">Cumberbatch's</span> +writing, but what could she have to write about when +she would be seeing you directly? Did she allude to it at all?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> From <span class="sc">Eliza Cumberbatch</span>? No; at least, she—I'll +go and get it. (<i>She goes into the hall and finds the note.</i>) Good +gracious, it <i>is</i> <span class="sc">Eliza's</span> hand! (<i>She reads it hurriedly under +the hall-lamp.</i>) +"Just a line. Zenana meeting postponed at last moment. +Will let you know when another day fixed. Well, it will save me +the trouble of writing to her; but, oh dear, the stories I've been +telling Pa! But he's as bad—I <i>know</i> he's as bad!</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>as</i> Mrs. T. <i>returns</i>). So you found the note, +<span class="sc">Cornelia</span>, +and what does Mrs. <span class="sc">Cumberbatch</span> say?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>putting the note in the fire</i>). It—it was only +from—from +my dressmaker. (<i>To herself.</i>) He <i>drives</i> me to this!</p> +<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/232-800.png"><img src="images/232-300.png" width="300" height="389" alt="'Mrs. Toovey suddenly sits down, scarlet.'" /></a> +<p class="center">"Mrs. Toovey suddenly sits down, scarlet."</p></div> +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>again uneasy</i>). Do you know, <span class="sc">Cornelia</span>, I—I may +be +wrong, but I've a very strong suspicion that——</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>in terror</i>). Pa, speak out! In—in the name of +Heaven, <i>what</i> is it you suspect?</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> It's getting stronger every moment. I'm sure of it. +My love, there's a strange man downstairs in the kitchen!</p> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page233" id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>with a gasp of relief</i>). A man! Oh, this must be +seen into at once! (<i>She rings the bell furiously; presently</i> +<span class="sc">Phœbe</span> +<i>appears, evidently only half-awake</i>.) <span class="sc">Phœbe</span>, what does this +mean? I insist on the truth!</p> + +<p><i>Phœbe</i>. I'm very sorry m'm, but I'd no idea you was home, and +I was sitting up for you downstairs, and I expect I must have +dropped asleep, and never heard you come in.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Don't attempt to deceive <i>me!</i> You are entertaining +a man downstairs, contrary to all my orders. Yes, it's useless to +deny it, your master has distinctly heard sounds.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> No, my love, I can't exactly say as much as that—but—yes, +every time the door opens it's more perceptible! (<i>He sniffs.</i>) +Don't you observe yourself, my dear, a remarkably strong odour of +tobacco-smoke? Now, as I never have been a smoker myself, it +stands to reason that——</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>Mrs. T. suddenly sits down, scarlet.</i></p> + +<p><i>Phœbe</i> (<i>roused</i>). I'm sure if you and master suspect me of +concealing followers downstairs, you're welcome to search as much as +you please! Cook's gone up to bed hours ago, and for a poor girl +to be kep' up to this time o' night, and then have her character +took away—why, I'm not accustomed to such treatment, and, what's +more, put up with it I <i>won't</i>.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>to herself, guiltily</i>). It's that filthy smoke at the +Eldorado! (<i>Aloud.</i>) <span class="sc">Theophilus</span>, how can you have such +ridiculous fancies? Tobacco, indeed! I—<i>I</i> don't notice anything. +<span class="sc">Phœbe</span>, it was a mistake of your master's; I don't blame you in the +least. There, you've sat up long enough, go to bed, go, girl!</p> + +<p><i>Phœbe.</i> Beggin' your pardon, m'm, but insinuations have been +descended to which I can't pass over in a hurry, and before I go I +should wish——</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>feverishly</i>). I tell you it was all a mistake. Your +master will apologise for it. Pa, say you're sorry!</p> + +<p><i>Phœbe.</i> I don't require no apologies from <i>master</i>, m'm. I can +make allowances for <i>him</i>—more partickler as there's no mistake +about there being a smell of tobaccer-smoke. I don't wonder at +<i>anyone</i> noticing it. It's your sending for me like this, and trying +to shift the blame on the innercent, when all the time——</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>to herself</i>). This is too intolerable! (<i>Aloud.</i>) +Haven't I <i>said</i> I didn't blame you, you unreasonable girl! Let us +have no more of this impertinence! Leave us!</p> + +<p><i>Phœbe.</i> I will, m'm, as soon as ever you can get suited, for, to +tell you the truth, I don't like such goings on as these; and I'll +take care I get a good character, too, or I'll know the reason why! +(<i>As she closes the door.</i>) And I 'ope master will satisfy himself +where the smell of tobacco reelly <i>does</i> come from, I'm sure; it isn't +from <i>downstairs!</i></p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>She vanishes, leaving Mrs. T. petrified.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> You see, my love, it couldn't have been all my fancy, +because <span class="sc">Phœbe</span> noticed it too. Dear me, it's late; I'd better go +and see that everything is locked up. (<i>As he passes</i> Mrs. T.) It's +very extraordinary. Surely they don't allow any of the missionaries +to smoke at these Zenana meetings, my love—do they?</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> Of course they don't. I—I am at a loss to understand +you. <span class="sc">Theophilus</span>, and—and I am going to bed.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> No, but really—— Why, I <i>see</i> how it was! Depend +upon it, my dear, that cabman must have been sitting inside the +vehicle smoking, with the windows up, before you got in. Yes, yes; +that accounts for everything.</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>faintly</i>). Do you think so, <span class="sc">Theophilus</span>? I—I +remember noticing a smell of cigars.</p> + +<p><i>Mr. Toov.</i> (<i>as he goes out</i>). My poor dear love, <i>what</i> a trial +for +you; and you never complained! Now, when I see dear Mrs. <span class="sc">Cumberbatch</span> +at church to-morrow, I must really caution her not to +employ that cabman again—she may have taken his number, and he +really ought to lose his licence—drunk, and smoking inside his cab! +Oh, I shall tell her!</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>He goes out.</i></p> + +<p><i>Mrs. Toov.</i> (<i>alone</i>). Pa shall <i>not</i> go to church to-morrow. +<i>I</i> will +take care of that, and by the time he sees <span class="sc">Eliza</span> again he will have +forgotten all about it. Is he doing all this to cover his own misdoings? +I can't rest till I know! I will make <span class="sc">Charles</span> tell me on +Monday. But what if Pa is blameless? No, he must have been +doing <i>something</i> he oughtn't to. It would be too horrible if it turned +out that I—<i>I</i> am the only person who has been (<i>she catches her +breath with a shudder</i>) "hi-tiddley-ing," as those vulgar wretches +would call it! There 's only one comfort that I can see; nobody +here is ever likely to know, unless I choose to betray myself. Oh +dear! oh dear! I wish I could forget this awful evening!</p> + +<p class="ind2">[<i>She ascends the stairs with a heavy and dispirited tread</i>.</p> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">End of Scene XIV.</span></p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">An Inquiry.</span>—Miss <span class="sc">Quota</span> writes to ask us "where the following +well-known lines are to be found:—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"'Eight hours to sleep, eight hours to food are given,</p> +<p>Eight hours to play, and all the rest to Heav'n.'"</p> + </div> </div> + +<blockquote><p> +[<i>We are not sure, but imagine that they are to be found In the works of +"Anon." Anyhow, better send to Editor of "Notes and Queries," who +knows everything.</i>—<span class="sc">Ed.</span>] +</p></blockquote> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 300px;"><a href="images/233-800.png"><img src="images/233-300.png" width="300" height="420" alt="HUMAN NATURE REBELS!" /></a> +<h3 class="sans">HUMAN NATURE REBELS!</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">Poor Mr. Wiggles has just been described by a facetious +Witness of the Lower Orders as "that there h'old Bloke +wiv a Choker, an' a Cauliflower on 'is 'ed"</span>!!!</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>TWO VIEWS OF VICTORY.</h2> + +<h4><span class="sc">The Past.</span></h4> + +<p>THE Commander who had fought so bravely was tired out. He +could go no farther. He had beaten back the stubborn foe, and +there was nothing more for him to do. He waited with as much +patience as he could muster the return of his messengers. In a +short time he would learn whether the honour of his country had +been preserved; whether his battle was a defeat or a victory.</p> + +<p>"Will they never come?" he murmured. "Surely by this time +they should have learned the truth?"</p> + +<p>He had scarcely uttered these words when the scouts returned.</p> + +<p>"General," cried the leader, "your campaign has been crowned +with success! England is herself again! Your reward is assured!"</p> + +<p>And it was. A week later he was made a K.C.B.!</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">The Future.</span></h4> + +<p>The Commander who had contended with the stubborn foe with a +spirit of stern determination was at length exhausted. He had put +to flight the enemies who at every step had attempted to bar his +progress. But now the affair was over, and there was little for him +to do; so he was waiting as patiently as he could the return of those +he had sent forward to represent him in the proper quarter. Before +long he would receive the intelligence for which he hungered. He +would be told whether all was right or all was wrong; whether his +battle was a defeat or a victory.</p> + +<p>"Will they never come?" he murmured. "Surely by this time +they should have revealed the truth, and made the most of the +opportunity."</p> + +<p>He had scarcely uttered these words when the scouts came back.</p> + +<p>"General," cried the leader, "your campaign has been crowned +with success! Capel Court is itself again! The Stocks have gone +up 15, and your success is assured!"</p> + +<p>And it was. A week later and he found himself a millionaire!</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Mem. from Matabeleland.</span>—Most of the news from the Cape, if +not true, is certainly <i>Lo Ben trovato</i>.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page234" id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/234-1500.png"><img src="images/234-600.png" width="600" height="383" alt="EFFECTS OF SHYNESS." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">EFFECTS OF SHYNESS.</h3> + +<p><i>Shy Lady</i> (<i>trying to break the ice</i>). "<span class="sc">What a sad thing it all +is about this wretched Coal-Strike, <i>isn't</i> it?</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Silent Gentleman</i> (<i>also shy</i>). "<span class="sc">Er—yes—er—I almost think +that everything that can be said on that subject—er—er—<i>has</i> +been said!</span>"</p> + +<p class="indr">[<i>Conversation languishes after this.</i></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>"RULE, BRITANNIA!" (?)</h2> + +<blockquote><p> +["Her Majesty's Government are perfectly satisfied +as to the adequacy and capacity of the British +Navy to perform all the purposes for which it +exists."—<i>Mr. Gladstone, in House of Commons, +November 7, 1893.</i></p> + +<p>"Everybody knows, Liberals as well as Tories, +that it is indispensable that we should have not +only a powerful Navy, but I may say an all-powerful +Navy."—<i>Mr. Morley at Manchester, +November 8, 1893.</i>] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Since "Britain First!" is Fate's command,</p> +<p class="i2">And History bids us sway the main,</p> +<p>We feel this charter of our land</p> +<p class="i2">All guardian statesmen must maintain.</p> +<p class="i4">Rule, <span class="sc">Britannia</span>! <span class="sc">Britannia</span> rule the waves!</p> +<p class="i4">Out on the Chief who only shirks and saves!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The nations must not rival thee,</p> +<p class="i2">Their fleets below our own must fall.</p> +<p><i>Thou</i> must, if thou'dst be great and free,</p> +<p class="i2">Still rise superior to them all!</p> +<p class="i4">Rule, <span class="sc">Britannia</span>! <span class="sc">Britannia</span> rule the waves!</p> +<p>Such primacy e'en peaceful <span class="sc">Cobden</span> craves.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Russia and France are now allies!—</p> +<p class="i2">Though funny, 'tis not all a joke.</p> +<p>As their rejoicings shake the skies,</p> +<p class="i2">Think how the great Free Trader spoke!</p> +<p class="i4">Rule, <span class="sc">Britannia</span>! <span class="sc">Britannia</span> rule the waves!</p> +<p class="i4">Better that Hundred Millions than be slaves.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>True, all thy statesmen <i>say</i> the same,</p> +<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Morley</span> hands <span class="sc">Cobden's</span> dictum down.</p> +<p>Yet Ins and Outs do play a game</p> +<p class="i2">That hardly adds to thy renown.</p> +<p class="i4">Rule, <span class="sc">Britannia</span>! <span class="sc">Britannia</span> rule the waves!</p> +<p class="i4"><i>But</i> Parties squabble and the Exchequer—saves!</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>If thou'dst maintain thine ocean reign,</p> +<p class="i2">And first in Commerce still would'st shine,</p> +<p>The easy optimistic strain</p> +<p class="i2">And Pangloss pose must not be thine.</p> +<p class="i4">Rule, <span class="sc">Britannia</span>! <span class="sc">Britannia</span> rule the waves!</p> +<p class="i4">But constant warding constant watching craves.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Devotion to the needs of home,</p> +<p class="i2">And claims parochial, is not all.</p> +<p>Beware, lest shades more darkling come,</p> +<p class="i2">With gloomier writings on the wall.</p> +<p class="i4">Rule, <span class="sc">Britannia</span>! <span class="sc">Britannia</span> rule the waves!</p> +<p class="i4">Britons to careless trust should ne'er be slaves.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Say, Statesman, are those figures found</p> +<p class="i2">Full warrant for your picture bold?</p> +<p>Our watch the wave-washed world around</p> +<p class="i2">Needs iron hearts, <i>and</i> ungrudged gold.</p> +<p class="i4">Rule, <span class="sc">Britannia</span>! <span class="sc">Britannia</span> rule the waves!</p> +<p class="i4">Britons—free-handed—never need be slaves!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1">Mrs. R thinks the reason so many of the +young men of the present day are bald is, +because they don't use antimacassar oil as +they did in her time.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>MARCH IN NOVEMBER.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i2">"Blow, blow, thou winter wind,"</p> +<p class="i2">In verse some call thee wind.</p> +<p>Though Thursday's crowd was thinned</p> +<p class="i2">By blasts so unrefined,</p> +<p>And men in armour, tinnèd</p> +<p class="i2">Like lobsters, mutely pined—</p> +<p>They, later, "wined" and "ginned,"</p> +<p class="i2">Whilst guests superbly dined</p> +<p>On turtle, fish (that's finned),</p> +<p class="i2">Joints, game of matchless kind,</p> +<p>And wines, rare, old, long-binned.</p> +<p class="i2">Blow clear, before, behind,</p> +<p>The streets where lately dinned</p> +<p class="i2">The band—each man, defined,</p> +<p>Of <i>Vaterland</i> the <i>kind</i>—</p> +<p class="i2">And sightless singers whined</p> +<p>Not much like <i>Jenny Lind</i>;</p> +<p class="i2">Would they were dumb, not blind!</p> +<p>Whilst grinders grimly grinned,</p> +<p class="i2">And ground their graceless grind.</p> +<p>I swore; perhaps I sinned.</p> +<p class="i2">But now they seem to find</p> +<p>Their rags, just tied and pinned,</p> +<p class="i2">Let in thy blast unkind,</p> +<p>By which they're almost skinned.</p> +<p class="i2">Then blow, I do not mind,</p> +<p>Thou rough November wind—</p> +<p class="i2">Pronounced by many, wind.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Seasonable.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>When garden lawns are a green bog,</p> +<p>And shrubbery vistas veiled in fog,</p> +<p>Reload revolvers, let dogs run!</p> +<p>The Burglar Season has begun!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page235" id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"><a href="images/235-1200.png"><img src="images/235-500.png" width="500" height="610" alt="'RULE, BRITANNIA!' (?)" /></a> +"RULE, BRITANNIA!" (?) + +<p><span class="sc">Shade of Cobden</span> (<i>quoting from his own speech at Rochdale, June 26, +1861</i>). "I AM NOT ONE TO ADVOCATE THE +REDUCING OF OUR NAVY IN ANY DEGREE BELOW THAT PROPORTION TO THE FRENCH NAVY +WHICH THE EXIGENCIES OF OUR SERVICE REQUIRE. WE HAVE A LEGITIMATE PRETENSION TO HAVE A +LARGER NAVY THAN FRANCE.... IF THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT SHOWED A SINISTER DESIGN TO +INCREASE THEIR NAVY TO AN EQUALITY WITH OURS, I <i>SHOULD VOTE A HUNDRED MILLIONS +STERLING</i> RATHER THAN ALLOW THAT NAVY TO BE INCREASED <i>TO A LEVEL WITH OURS....</i> I +HAVE SAID SO IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS, AND I REPEAT IT TO <i>YOU</i>."</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page236" id="page236"></a>[pg 236]</span><br /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page237" id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span> + +<h2 class="sans">OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h2> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Fisher Unwin</span> is, my +Baronite writes, still engaged in +the important work, some time +ago undertaken by his house, of +publishing <i>The Story of the +Nations</i>. The last volume issued +is the thirty-fifth, in which Mr. +<span class="sc">Greville Tregarthen</span> deals +with the History of the Australian +Commonwealth. Australasia +is a mere chit among +the nations of the world, and +story, God bless you, it has +hardly any to tell. It has +never been at war except with +the aboriginal settlers, who +were, at the outset, so lost to all +proper feeling as to resent the +incursion of the white man, +occasionally carrying their prejudice +to the absurd extent of +eating him. But this is ancient +history in a record which, beginning +a little more than a +hundred years ago with a convict +settlement—it was on +January 26, 1788, the British +flag was for the first time unfurled +in Sydney Bay—has +already spread out lusty limbs +over a vast Continent. <i>The +Story of the Nations</i> forms a +library of itself, and this last +volume is not the least fascinating +of the series.</p> + +<p>The Baron, while greatly admiring +and certainly grateful +for the Diamond editions of all +the best works, and Diamond +editions should reproduce only +those that can be classed among +the "brilliants," of which two +or three specimens at a time can +be carried easily in the pocket +of an ulster, begs to remind +Messrs. <span class="sc">Routledge</span>, the republishers +of <span class="sc">Dickens's</span> works in +a very pocketable form, that +much of our journeying is +done by such gaslight as railway +companies supply, and +therefore, as this is not always +of the most powerful kind, +a book in small type, however +clear the type may be, is +unreadable. That is what the +publishers have to consider. +This excellent little pocket +volume of, for example, <i>The +Cricket on the Hearth</i>, is of no +use to the Baron when once out +of the pocket. True, the publishers +may say "it is intended +for the pocket only"; but if +this be the case, then the pockets +that would suffer would be +those of the publishers, not those +of the reading public. The +Baron's hints are well worth +consideration. For travelling, +the publishers might provide +and sell a small case containing +the Diamond edition and a portable +candle-lamp by which to +read it. Only this would rather +add to the expense, and with +every volume one does not wish +to be obliged to carry a candle-lamp. +Therefore, bigger and +clearer type. That's all. Try +it, and if it does not succeed, +blame the hitherto blameless</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p><span class="sc">Baron de B.-W.</span></p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/237a-800.png"><img src="images/237a-380.png" width="380" height="485" alt="CRUELLE ENIGME; OR, TWOS INTO ONE WON'T GO." /></a> +<h3>CRUELLE ENIGME; OR, TWOS INTO ONE WON'T GO.</h3> + +<p><span class="sc">The Problem of the Day:—How to get this year's sleeves into +last year's jacket.</span></p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind1">Mrs. R. saw a heading in +a newspaper. "<i>Board of Trade +Returns.</i>" Whereupon she exclaimed, +"Where's the Board +of Trade been to? I suppose +for a holiday, and we shall have +to pay!"</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>THE BOGUS MANAGER'S VADE MECUM.</h2> +<ul class="none"> +<li><i>Question.</i> Is it an easy thing to become the manager of a theatre?</li> + +<li><i>Answer.</i> Why, certainly; you require no cash, and very little +credit.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Is it necessary that you should have any special training to +enable you to appropriately fill so responsible a position?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> No. If you are sufficiently impudent, you may in the past have +been a betting-man, a crossing-sweeper, or an unqualified +dentist.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Will you have any difficulty in securing a theatre?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Not at all. You will always find someone willing to accept +you as a lessee without making any inquiry as to your antecedents.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Having obtained a theatre, what is your next step?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> To get together a company. This is easily managed, as the +dramatic trade-journals give every week a long list of actors and +actresses who are "resting."</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> What do you understand by such a word?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> That the advertiser is much in need of an engagement, but is +too proud to acknowledge it.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Such a frame of mind is, I suppose, +favourable to hurried and unconsidered +engagements?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Quite so. It is an easy matter to +get an entire company on excellent terms. +Not that money is of any importance; for +you may as well promise five pounds a week +as five shillings, if you do not intend to pay.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Having secured your company, what +is the next step?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> To make them rehearse three weeks +or a month without a salary.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> I suppose you have no trouble about +obtaining a piece on advantageous terms?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> None whatever. If you are lucky +you will get some conceited noodle to pay +you for producing his play; and if you are not so fortunate, why at +least you will get a drama, comedy, or burlesque for nothing.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Say that you are ready to begin, will you have any difficulty +in obtaining the preliminary announcements?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> No. For having been trusted by the proprietor of the theatre, +the advertisement agents will follow suit, and you will obtain +sufficient publicity to balance your requirements.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> And what will take place on and after the opening of the +playhouse under your management?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> You will get more or less ready money taken at the doors +during five days of the week, with which you can safely decamp +without paying anybody on or before the sixth.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Will not your sudden departure cause some inconvenience to +a large number of persons connected with the enterprise?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Assuredly. Many of the company you have engaged will starve, +and the other parties to the proceedings will use strong language as +they wipe off your liability as a bad debt.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> Is it possible that you will be made a bankrupt?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Not only possible, but probable.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> And will this end your theatrical career?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Why, of course not. All you will +have to do is to take a little holiday.</li> + +<li><i>Q.</i> And after the holiday, what next?</li> + +<li><i>A.</i> Why, then you can secure another +theatre and repeat the proceedings with +exactly similar results.</li> +</ul> +<hr class="medium" /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<h3>NEWS FROM THE LAW COURTS.</h3> +<a href="images/237b-700.png"><img src="images/237b-400.png" width="400" height="226" alt="NEWS FROM THE LAW COURTS." /></a> +<p class="center">Cold but In-vig-orating.</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>THE GINGHAM-GRABBER.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Someone wrote, "Killing's no Murder."</p> +<p>Nothing well could be absurder!</p> +<p>But to many in our time</p> +<p>Stealing (umbrellas) seems no crime.</p> +<p>Therefore, to a frank plain dealer,</p> +<p>Killing—an umbrella-stealer—</p> +<p>Might be called—by Justice tried—</p> +<p>Justifiable Snobicide!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page238" id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/238-1500.png"><img src="images/238-600.png" width="600" height="433" alt="'CRAMMING.'" /></a> +<h3>"CRAMMING."</h3> + +<p><i>Affectionate Uncle.</i> "<span class="sc">Glad to see you, Rupert. Now tell me all about +it. What Form are you in, Old Boy?</span>"</p> + +<p><i>Nephew (just returned from Harrow).</i> "<span class="sc">Well, Uncle, not so bad, I +think. I can generally manage a couple of Eggs, +two Sausages or Kidneys, some Dundee Marmalade, and two Cups of Coffee for +Breakfast. I always have a little +Luncheon, any amount of Roast Beef or Mutton for Dinner, and I generally look in +at the Confectioner's in the +afternoon, and invariably wind up with a good Supper. What do you think of +that?</span>"</p> + +<p class="indr">[<i>Disappointed and misunderstood Uncle subsides, and thinks it best to make no comments.</i>]</p></div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>THE NINTH OF NOVEMBER.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The Lord Mayor's Show, I saw it from the Strand,</p> +<p class="i2">I stood and waited there an hour or so,</p> +<p>Till from afar there came with blare of band</p> +<p class="i18"> The Lord Mayor's Show.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In civic splendour and with footstep slow</p> +<p class="i2">Passed the procession, glorious and grand!</p> +<p>I liked the soldiers well enough, although</p> +<p class="i2">The men from Deal looked quite at home on land.</p> +<p>Yet I confess that when I came to go,</p> +<p class="i2">I said that once a year's enough to stand</p> +<p class="i18"> The Lord Mayor's Show.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind">"<span class="sc">The Black Art" Revived!</span>—"The best specimen of the Black +Art," quoth the Baron de B. W., "that I have lately seen, is the republication +of the works of the Wizard of the North, <i>alias</i> Sir +<span class="sc">Walter Scott</span>, Bart., in a series of substantial library-shelve-ish +volumes, printed in good clear type."</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h3>Q. E. D.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Don't tell me of "room at the top!" It's a case,</p> +<p>I'm sure, of "no thoroughfare." I'm at the base!</p> +<p>Does that not suffice you? There only remains</p> +<p>Some "room at the top" of your head, man, for brains.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<p class="ind"><span class="sc">A Dickensian Question.</span>—At the date when <i>Martin Chuzzlewit</i> +was written, what may fairly be assumed to have been the +fashionable hour for dining?</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2 class="sans">ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2> + +<h4>EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</h4> + +<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, November 6.</i>—<span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> in fine +form to-night; made one of those speeches that distinctly enhance +Parliamentary reputation. Ticklish situation for Leader of Opposition +in face of Parish Councils Bill. Won't do, with General +Election within measurable distance, to declare plump against it; +still less will it suit party to support one of principal measures of +a Government whose successive steps, however devious, are all +bent upon goal of Home Rule. For two nights men rising from +Opposition benches have endeavoured to wriggle through this +difficulty; been more or less unsuccessful; <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span>, with +sure aim and light touch, does and says exactly right thing.</p> + +<p>By all means let <span class="sc">Hodge</span> have a voice in direction of his own +affairs; his best friend, the party who spent themselves in his behalf +in Corn-Law days, who acted in his best interests whenever question +of political enfranchisement or his relations to parson and +squire cropped up—the great Tory party would be the very last +to slacken effort for his prosperity. So anxious are they on the +score, they would not imperil opportunity by throwing out this +Bill on the Second Reading. But <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> showed, in +little asides, that this particular measure is badly conceived, not +nearly so good as what would have befallen <span class="sc">Hodge</span> had a Unionist +Ministry been in office. For an hour the <span class="sc">Prince</span> spoke, displaying +perfect mastery of the subject, managing, without assuming a +hostile attitude, to bestow upon the measure some damaging blows.</p> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page239" id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/239-1500.png"><img src="images/239-600.png" width="600" height="436" alt="LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS.—No. 4. SCENES IN THE CITY." /></a> +<h3 class="sans">LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS.—No. 4. SCENES IN THE CITY.</h3></div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page240" id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span> + +<p>First time since House met Mr. G. began to show that keen +interest in proceedings which he seemed to have reserved for Home +Rule Bill. Sat listening intently with hand to ear as <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> +gracefully glided on from point to point. Pretty little sparring +match when <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> endeavoured to draw him into doing +something damaging, either in the way of reticence or declaration, +touching <span class="sc">George Russell's</span> explosive speech on Friday night. "I +would not," observed <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span>, "have said so much, but +I presume that in this matter the hon. gentleman represented +the Government of which he is a member." +Mr. G. shook his head. "Then he disclaims it?" +Mr. G. shook his head again. "Oh, then, though he does +not dissociate himself from the Under-secretary of India, +he does not associate the Government with his remarks?" Mr. +G. again shook his head, finally explaining that his +young friend and colleague had merely revived former custom—existing +"in my early days"—whereby Ministers not in the Cabinet +and not connected with department specially concerned +in matter at issue, might enter at large into general debate.</p> + +<p>"Here, here!" said <span class="sc">Ellis Ashmead-Bartlett</span> +(Knight), for once in agreement with the views of Arch Enemy.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 250px;"><a href="images/240a-600.png"><img src="images/240a-200.png" width="200" height="396" alt="T. H. Napoleon Boltonparty 'objected to ladies being Justices of the Peace.'" /></a> +<p>T. H. Napoleon Boltonparty "objected to ladies +being Justices of the Peace."</p> + +<p><i>Justice Herself.</i> "Aha! Show me the man who +said that!"</p></div> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—More debate on Parish Councils Bill. +As usual, adjourned at midnight. Motion made that House +forthwith adjourn, <span class="sc">Oliver Rollit</span> asks for more. Too early +to go home; might as well sit up till +one o'clock, and take private Bills. House aghast. <span class="sc">Squire of +Malwood</span> discreetly says he will think the matter over.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday.</i>—Another night on Parish Councils. Debate should have +finished last night; finally arranged to close it before dinner hour +to-day; but it dribbled on to midnight. As there was an hour to +spare, <span class="sc">Tommy Bowles</span>, who since Session resumed has been silent in +six languages, thought he might as well say a few words. Romped +in at half-past ten; awkward this; about the hour when <span class="sc">Jokim</span> had +intended to lift debate out of rut by one of his luminous speeches. +<span class="sc">Thomas</span>, however, thought House would prefer to hear him. At +any rate, he provided opportunity. When at length <span class="sc">Jokim</span> spoke upon +subject on which he is supreme authority, House almost empty, +altogether languid.</p> + +<p>Brightened up for moment at <span class="sc">Squire of Malwood's</span> happy wit. +<span class="sc">Jokim</span>, following on line trekked by <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span>, suggested +that half of Bill dealing with Poor Law matters should be abandoned. +"According to judgment of <span class="sc">Solomon</span>," said the <span class="sc">Squire</span>, "it was +the true mother who would not consent to divide her child in two."</p> + +<p>A dreary night made endurable by incursion of +<span class="sc">Knatchbull-Hugessen</span>—<span class="sc">Herbert +Thomas</span>, of Faversham division of Kent. For +many years his brother sat in House till he finally wobbled into a +peerage, and, as <span class="sc">Rosebery</span> said, wore his coronet as a crown of +thorns because it had been given him by Mr. G. When he was +with us here, and one turned to <i>Dod</i> to find him under heading +"<span class="sc">Hugessen</span>," there was discovered instruction "See +<span class="sc">Knatchbull-Hugessen</span>." +This was explained at the time on score that no one +from day to day exactly knew where <i>Hugessen</i> was.</p> + +<p>Different with his younger brother. "Sometimes," he said just +now, looking sorrowfully round the House, a gleam of comfort +brightening his eyes as they rested on a back view of <span class="sc">Jimmy +Lowther's</span> head, "I believe I'm the only Tory left in the House."</p> + +<p>To-night up and smote Parish Councils Bill in uncompromising +speech. No truckling to Socialism. No bowing the knee to the Baal +<span class="sc">Hodge</span>. No leaning on the arm of Rimmon as he goes to worship in +the temple of the Compound Householder. The Bill another downward +step on the pathway dug out for the chariot of Free Trade; +the country going to dogs at accelerated pace.</p> + +<p>Small House, but it listened with delight to the most thoroughly +honest speech heard from any bench through many Parliaments.</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Parish Councils Bill read second time.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday.</i>—Still smiling at <span class="sc">Prince Arthur's</span> joke; led up to +with great skill; last touch of art given in the look of startled surprise +with which he regarded uproariously laughing audience. Was +passing eulogy on <span class="sc">Rhodes</span> and the Chartered Company, forasmuch +as, whilst certainly mowing down the Matabele with the Maxim +gun, they had spread the benefits of civilisation, "extending railways, +extending telegraphs, extending roads."</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 250px;"><a href="images/240b-600.png"><img src="images/240b-200.png" width="200" height="299" alt="The Clark of the House causing a Division." /></a> +<p>The Clark of the House causing a Division.</p></div> + +<p>"Exactly," said the <span class="sc">Sage of Queen Anne's Gate</span>. "I spoke for an +hour and a half, and <span class="sc">Balfour</span> puts what I had meant to say in a phrase. +What is all this action in Mashonaland, this spending of money, and making +of war, but the Extension of <span class="sc">Rhodes</span>?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Maguire</span> undertook to defend Chartered Company +against attack of <span class="sc">Sage</span>. "Terrible work, <span class="sc">Toby</span>," he +said, mopping his heated brow. "Much rather approach +<span class="sc">Lobengula's</span> kraal itself than stand up and face the House."</p> + +<p>Had to be done, however, and <span class="sc">Maguire</span> not the man +to run away from anything approaching a fight. Still +he observed precaution of getting as near the door as +possible, speaking from remote end of bench, almost +outside limits of bar. Also he found some subtle comfort, strength, +and consolation in standing on one leg whilst he addressed the +Speaker. Sometimes it was the right leg, sometimes the left. +Whether on one or the other—not for a moment on two—he described +to the charmed House how the cherished object of Mr. <span class="sc">Rhodes</span>, the +one desire upon which all the energies of the Chartered Company were +bent, was that the men of Matabele should "marry and settle down."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Discussion of affairs in Matabeleland.</p> + +<p><i>Friday.</i>—Debate on <span class="sc">M'Laren's</span> Amendment to Employers' Liability +Bill brought to conclusion at midnight. Thought it would be all +over before dinner; dragged on hour after hour with ever deepening +depression. Seems as if already, in this first fortnight of Autumn +Session, energy's sapped; dulness certainly dominant.</p> + +<p>"The fact is," said <span class="sc">The Squire of Malwood</span>, "there is no +fight about the House now <span class="sc">Joseph</span> is awa'. Hear he is coming back +towards end of next week, balmy from the Bahamas, breezy from +the Atlantic. I shouldn't at all wonder if, upon his arrival, a genial +change was wrought in things generally."</p> + +<p><i>Business done.</i>—Government defeat averted by majority of 19.</p> + +<hr class="medium" /> + +<h2>QUEER QUERIES.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">The London Programme.</span>—I entirely approve of the spirited +protest lately made by the cabmen against that vile instrument of +Monopoly, the "Station Omnibus." But what I want to ask is whether +there is no plan of doing away with a still more nefarious specimen +of capitalistic greed and oppression—I allude to the "Out-Porter." +Why should this minion, of railway tyrants be permitted to take the +beer out of the mouths of honest English working-men? I and a +number of my pals are constantly loafing round the station in our +suburb waiting for a job of luggage-carrying, or if we aren't exactly +<i>at</i> the station, we are always to be found at the Public just opposite. +Will it be believed that passengers actually prefer to engage this +avaricious blackleg, the Out-Porter, instead of employing <i>us!</i> Their +paltry excuse is that he charges less than we do and is more civil. +That <i>shows</i> him to be a contemptible blackleg! Only a serf of our +present miserable social arrangements is ever civil to anybody. +Call him an Out-Porter! If me and my pals catch him one of +these dark nights we'll make an Out-Patient of him! Is the mere +convenience of the public for ever to override the legitimate claims +of the deserving unemployed?—<span class="sc">Corner Boy.</span></p> + +<hr class="full" /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +105, November 18, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, LONDON CHARIVARI, NOV 18, 1893 *** + +***** This file should be named 39424-h.htm or 39424-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/4/2/39424/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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