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diff --git a/39424.txt b/39424.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..aa235ad --- /dev/null +++ b/39424.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1630 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105, +November 18, 1893, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 105, November 18, 1893 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: April 11, 2012 [EBook #39424] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, LONDON CHARIVARI, NOV 18, 1893 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + * * * * * + +Punch, or the London Charivari + +Volume 105, November 18th 1893 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +"THE PAPER OF THE DAY AFTER TO-MORROW." + + [In one of the magazines an entire article has been + transmitted to the office, not by the post, but by mental + suggestion.--_News paragraph._] + +SCENE--_Editor's Room of "The Mental Mirror of the Universe."_ +TIME--_An hour before publication._ Editor _and_ Chief-Sub. +_discovered in consultation_. + +_Editor._ Dear me, Mr. PAYSTE, this is very annoying! Debate on Africa +in the House to-night, and our leader-writer has sent in no copy! Why +did you not communicate with me? + +_Chief-Sub._ Well, Sir, as you were dining with the Duke, I did not +like to disturb you, especially as I had arranged matters. I have got +some one else to knock off the article. + +_Ed._ Very good, and where does it come from? + +_Chief-Sub._ I turned on the mentophone and found Lord MACAULAY +disengaged. + +_Ed._ Of course he writes smartly enough, but I should have thought he +was scarcely sufficiently well-up in the subject. + +_Chief-Sub._ So he said, Sir: so we applied to Sir WALTER RALEIGH, who +has sent in a good column. + +_Ed._ His English, I am afraid, is a trifle old-fashioned. + +_Chief Sub._ Well, yes, Sir; a little. But I gave it to one of our +subs. who has made black letter a study, and between them they have +turned out a very decent leader. Sorry to say the wire has broken down +between London and the seat of the war, so we have no despatches. + +_Ed._ Distinctly annoying! However, I think I can put myself in +communication with our special. (_Takes a pen in his right hand, and +commences writing._) Well, what next? + +_Chief Sub._ But shall I not disturb you? + +_Ed._ Not at all; my right hand is in sympathy with LONGBOW, so I need +not pay any attention to what he is sending us until he gets to the +end of his copy. Everything else right? + +_Chief Sub._ I think I may venture to say "Yes," Sir. Mrs. COVERS, who +does our reviews, has neglected to send in her stuff, but I have used +the mentophone again in that case. Put on CHARLES LAMB. And I think +that's all, save, as there is a letter about the authorship of +_Hamlet_, I have got WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE to answer it himself. And now, +Sir, I would suggest that, as we are rather full up this evening, you +might conclude that dispatch as quickly as possible. + +_Ed._ My hand has just done writing. (_Gives copy to_ Chief Sub.) +Anything worth a line for the bill? + +_Chief Sub._ (_after perusal_). Well, yes, Sir. I find there has been +a battle, so we may as well give that. + +_Ed._ Everything right now? + +_Chief Sub._ Everything, Sir. + +_Ed._ Well, now you can send down the paper to press as soon as you +please. (_Exit_ Chief Sub. _to carry out directions_.) Dear me! It +really simplifies matters considerably when waves of thought will do +as well as the electric telegraph. + + [_The Curtain falls upon the_ Editor's _very natural + reflection_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SANCTA SIMPLICITAS. + +_Housemaid._ "WE'RE GETTING UP A SWEEPSTAKES, MRS. THRUPP. WON'T YOU +JOIN?" + +_Housekeeper._ "GRACIOUS ME, CHILD; NOT I! WHY IF I _WON_ A HORSE I +SHOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO _DO_ WITH HIM!"] + + * * * * * + +TO THE SEA. + +_An Expostulation._ + + Oh, smooth and smiling! I have loved thee well! + Hymned thee, and heard thee; lived beneath thy spell; + For years thy life-giving ozone have bless'd, + That makes loose garments tighter round the chest. + Paced in the dark thy sounding margent white, + And voiced my rapture in the boisterous night, + Striking the lurking coastguard with affright. + + Now on my barque--ah, no! no barque be mine! + On the new packet of the Angler Line, + I learn, too late, when fairly out at sea, + How well they speak who speak not well of thee + Implacable, inscrutable Emirs + Mock not the captured foe of bloodstained years + As thou hast mock'd one who ne'er did thee wrong, + Save in the venial fault of unexpressive song. + Or canst thou this unmeasured vengeance take, + Remembering some childish duck-and-drake, + Forgotten long, and never done in spite? + How could it harm thy navy-rending might, + Thou, whose huge waves in wanton affluence bang + Their heads against the rocks, in mid-air hang, + Up the sheer cliffs clamber with foamy claws, + And backward plunge again, with mad applause + Of all the turbulent, tumultuous press + That hurl themselves to spray in wantonness? + Prone, but unconquered, I have roll'd to leeward, + Soothed by the merciless mercy of the steward. + How can I stand when hardest steel and teak + Play a vertiginous game of hide-and-seek? + All is a-swing and dipping and a-roll. + Oh, vain material creed! Th' informing soul! + Proves well its immateriality, + Defying thus the tortures of the sea, + That force all else to helpless surrender; + For aught but very Spirit would prefer + To seek at once the illimitable inane, + Than cognisant of anguish thus remain + The tenant of a desolated shrine, + A bare clay cabin, like this frame of mine. + Oh, rich saloons! Oh, rooms of wretched state! + The pomp and glory of you all I hate! + Ye fulsome diving dados, would ye were + Extinct as your vocabular congener! + Place me where errant icebergs, anchored deep + By chains of frost, a darkling vigil keep, + Fixed in the pole's impenetrable wall, + Dead to the warmer ocean's roving call! + Far from this liquid way that heaves and rolls, + This world-long switchback, bounded by the poles, + This path of pain, whose undulations cease + Only in that palaeocrystic peace! + Nay, what is this? How steady! Here we are! + Field breezes mingle with the oil and tar, + And with a shudder I behold anear + The solid weed-hung timbers of the pier. + Perfidious sea! I'll trust thee never more, + And mock thy fury safely from the shore. + + * * * * * + +TO HEBE. + +(_See the Report of the Lady Commissioners on Women's Labour._) + + Waitress! with the dimpled chin, + Cap as clean as a new pin, + Here's a feather to put in! + + For Miss ORME'S report declares + That no male with you compares + In the showing off of wares. + + Be it counter, be it bar, + You can "dress" it--you're its star, + Bright, and _most_ particular! + + Grievances you have, no doubt; + Which of us exists without? + Still, you do not pine or pout. + + Standing with reluctant feet + Always ready, trim, and neat, + No one tells _you_--"Take a seat!" + + Hours are long, and meal-time short, + Mashing bores, who think it "sport," + Say the things they didn't ought! + + Gather, then, the tips that fall; + Don't let vulgar chaff appal; + To the Bar you've had your "call"! + + * * * * * + +CON. FOR COMPETITIVE SPORTSMEN.--_Q._ What is the most unpopular thing +in the (sporting) world? _A._ A "record," because it is always being +"cut," by everybody, everywhere, every day. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE GREAT AFRICAN LION-TAMER.] + + ["He fully admitted the difficulties of the Government and + Sir HENRY LOCH. Both found themselves to be in a most + exceptionally difficult position, created by those who had + gone before them by granting in the wrong way the charter to + the Company. He admitted that both Lord RIPON and Sir HENRY + LOCH did their best in the circumstances for a long time to + maintain peace; both urged that war should be avoided.... Mr. + RHODES was Prime Minister of Cape Colony, and obviously Sir + HENRY LOCH had an exceedingly difficult position in dealing + as Prime Minister and as the head of the Company with that + gentleman, to whom he could not say that he did not quite + believe him, and that he was forcing on the war."--_Mr. + Labouchere on the Chartered Company and Matabeleland._] + +_Lion-Tamer_ (_grandly_). "Walk up, walk up, ladies and gentlemen! See +the great African live lion, Matabele--called Lo Ben for short--larger +than (average) life, and thrice as natural as normal (menagerie) +nature! Walk up! Walk up! Taming process just about to begin---- + +_Agent of Menagerie Proprietor_ (_sotto voce_). Oh, well you +know--subject, of course, to--ahem!--every provision being made +for--a--_humanity_--and--ahem--every precaution being taken +against--a--a--needless risks, you know, and--a--obvious cruelty, you +see--and--ahem!--all that sort of thing, don't you know. + +_Lion-Tamer_ (_nettled_). No, I _don't_ know, dontcher know. And +what's more I don't believe _you_ know, dontcher know, nor your +guv'nors neither, for that matter. What _is_ your little game, anyhow? + +_Agent_ (_with some assumption of dignity_). We have _no_ "little +game." Little Game is not the word. Lions, I believe, are generally +called "Big Game," by NIMRODS and others. + + [_Sniggers as one who has scored._ + +_Lion-Tamer_ (_sardonically_). NIMROD, indeed! Ah! a mighty hunter +before the Lords _you_ are, ain't you? You and your lot! Rural rabbits +and parochial foxes are G----'s "Big Game," eh? + +_Agent._ This is neither the time nor the place to argue that point. +Your business is lion-taming; ours is menagerie-managing. + +_Lion-Tamer_ (_scornfully_). All right, my noble swell! Manage _him_! + + [_Pointing to Lion, who is ramping and roaring._ + +_Agent._ Not at all, not at all! + + [_Spectators become impatient._ + +_Lion-Tamer._ Well, look here, do you want this lion tamed for you, or +do you _not_? + +_Agent._ Why, cert'n'ly! Subject of course to the assistance--ahem!--I +_should_ say _supervision_ of LOCH and myself. + +_Lion-Tamer._ Ah, "supervise" away as much as you please, only don't +interfere with me. The old game! Stand by while I do the dangerous +part of the business, hamper me as much as you can, and when, in spite +of you all, I am successfully through, take the business--and the +credit--over yourselves! + +_Agent_ (_aside_). Wonderful man, very. Wish I quite knew what to +make of him. Lion-tamers, like fire, are excellent servants, but bad +masters. All alike, all alike, CLIVE, WARREN HASTINGS, Rajah BROOKE, +Jamaica EYRE, BARTLE FRERE, GORDON, all wonderful, and--in the +end--very useful, but worrying, worrying! + +_Lion-Tamer_ (_proceeding_). Walk up, walk up, ladies and gentlemen! +All in to begin! See the big black-maned African lion, fresh from +Mashonaland wilds; bigger than CHURCHILL ever chased or SELOUS +slew, or VAN AMBURGH subdued, tamed in the twinkling of an assegai, +conquered in the 'tss! of a Hotchkiss, by the Great South African +Lion-Tamer, RHODOROWDIDOW the Rumbistical. + +_Spectators._ Hooray! Hooray!! Hoo-_ray!!!_ + +_Agent_ (_aside_). How wonderfully popular these thrasonical +wild-beast tamers and prancing proconsul sort of fellows are--with the +gallery! + +_Lion-Tamer_ (_to attendant_). I say, just hand me the loaded whip, +and--keep the poker hot, in case of emergency---- + +_Agent_ (_hurriedly_). Oh, here, I say; that will never do, +RHODOROWDIDOW! + +_Lion-Tamer_ (_impatiently_). What do you mean? + +_Agent._ Why, you know, loaded bludgeons and red-hot pokers _read_ +too much like--_Cruelty to Animals_! What _would_ LABBY and the +Humanitarians say? You're none too popular already, you know, in +certain quarters. Your masterful little ways and monetary success have +put a good many backs up. We mustn't run any needless risks, RHODO. +_Wouldn't_ this little toy-whip and this big bottle of (_medicated_) +rose-water do as well? + +_Lion-Tamer_ (_scornfully_). _Was it with Rose-water that "John +Company" tamed your Indian tiger for you?_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TWO WAYS OF LOOKING AT IT. + +_Sporting Farmer_ (_who has been kind enough to give a mount to our +friend 'Arry_). "NOW THEN! THEY'RE AWAY. DON'T YOU SEE THEY'RE GONE?" + +_'Arry_ (_who has been having a very bad time_). "EH! GONE! AND NOT +COMIN' BACK? WOT A BLESSIN'!"] + + * * * * * + +YOU NEVER WROTE. + +(_To Another Man's Fiancee._) + + You never wrote a single word, though I + Sent prompt congratulations in a note, + You gave my well-meant greetings the go-by-- + You never wrote. + + Do you remember when we took a boat, + And slowly drifted 'neath a summer sky? + Perhaps you don't. In fact, perhaps, you vote + Such memories a bore. You can't deny + That, politician-like, you turned your coat, + In fine, you jilted me. Is not that why + You never wrote? + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. heard in Scotland that MONSON was always a bit of a scapegoat. + + * * * * * + +UNDER THE ROSE. + +(_A Story in Scenes._) + +SCENE XIV.--_The Study at Hornbeam Lodge._ + +TIME--_Saturday night, about_ 11.30. Mr. TOOVEY _is alone_. + +_Mr. Toovey_ (_to himself_). Oh the inestimable blessing of having +nothing on one's mind again! How providential that I found LARKINS in! +He was a little unsympathetic at first, to be sure; he _would_ have it +that I must have known all along what the Eldorado really was! but as +soon as he saw how strongly I felt about it, he was _most_ helpful. I +could _not_ have gone to that place this evening; how could I have met +CORNELIA'S eye after it? As it is, I can face her without---- Surely +she is later than usual from this Zenana meeting! (_Wheels are heard +outside._) A cab? I do hope nothing is the matter! Why, that sounds +like--like a _latchkey_! Can it be--ah!--a dispute with the cabman--it +_must_ be CORNELIA! + + [_The front door bangs._ + +_A Voice_ (_in earnest remonstrance through the keyhole_). 'Ere, I +say, you don't sneak off like _that_, you know! I _knowed_ you was no +good the minnit I clapped eyes on you! Are you going to gimme my legal +fare or not? I ain't goin' till I git it. I want another shellin' orf +o' you I do! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). Another shilling? Why, it's under a mile! +He little knows my wife's principles if he expects---- + +_The Voice._ You orter be _ashimed_ o' yourself! A lydy like you +to tyke a man orf his rank at this toime o' noight, all the w'y +from----(_The front door is hastily unlocked again._) Thankee, +mum, thankee; lor, I only want what's my doo, and the distance 'ere +from---- + + [_The door shuts with a bang._ + +_Mr. Toov._ She's given him the extra shilling--she _can't_ be well! +I'm afraid she's really poorly. She's gone into the drawing-room, but +there are no lights there. She'll be here directly. + + [_He sits up expectantly._ + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, in the hall_). Just as I expected. +THEOPHILUS not home yet! I shall sit up for him in the study. (_She +opens the study door, and starts_.) So _there_ you are, Pa! And pray +when did _you_ come in? + +_Mr. Toov._ (_mildly_). Yes, my love, here I am; I've been in a long +while, quite a long while. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). And he imagines I believe _that!_ +(_Aloud._) I understood you intended to spend the evening with +CHARLES. + +_Mr. Toov._ So I did, my dear, so I did. I went to his rooms. + +_Mrs. Toov._ And you went out somewhere together, Pa? Come, you won't +deny _that_! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). What a mercy I didn't go to that Eldorado! +I should have _had_ to tell her! (_Aloud._) Why you see we--we didn't +go anywhere. I found CHARLES was engaged to dine with a friend, so I +went away again. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). A very likely story! Where has THEOPHILUS +learnt such brazen duplicity? (_Aloud._) Oh! and then of course you +came straight home? + +_Mr. Toov._ Why, no, my love; not immediately. I--I suddenly +recollected that I had to see a friend on--on a little matter of +business which was--hem--somewhat pressing, so I went there first of +all. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, contemptuously_). Exactly the excuse in all +those horrid songs! (_Aloud._) And the business kept you rather late, +eh, Pa? Some business _is_ apt to do so, I know! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). She makes me almost feel as if I'd gone +after all! (_Aloud._) I _was_ a little late, my dear, not so very. +I suppose I must have been home between eight and nine, and PH[OE]BE +brought me up some nice cold mutton and the apple-tart, so I did very +well, very well indeed. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). If he is deceiving me, I can soon find +out from the look of the joint and tart! + +_Mr. Toov._ By the way, my love, surely _you_ are rather late this +evening, are you not? it's nearly twelve! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, with a start_). Oh, but I will _not_ fib +unless he forces me to. (_Aloud._) I--I was detained later than I +expected. + +_Mr. Toov._ And you didn't expect to be back so very early either, for +you took the latchkey, didn't you? + +MRS. TOOV. I happened to find it, Pa, and I thought I might as well +use it--and why not? + +_Mr. Toov._ It was most thoughtful of you, my love, to think of +saving PH[OE]BE. By the way, do you notice----? (_He looks round him +suspiciously._) Ah, well, it may be my fancy. And you had a successful +meeting? were there many interesting speeches? + +_Mrs. Toov_ (_choking_). As--as interesting as usual, THEOPHILUS! (_To +herself._) I 'm sure _that's_ true enough! + +_Mr. Toov._ And supper provided afterwards, I suppose? Which accounts +for your being late. Dear--dear me! + + [_His face grows troubled again._ + +_Mrs. Toov._ Is there any reason why there _shouldn't_ be supper +afterwards, Pa? + +_Mr. Toov._ Not in _that_ house. Our dear friends the CUMBERBATCHES do +everything on such a truly hospitable scale. Now, most people in their +position would have considered tea and coffee and sandwiches _quite_ +sufficient. Was it a _hot_ supper, my love? + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_desperately_). Yes--no--_rather_ hot--I didn't notice. +You ask such preposterous questions, THEOPHILUS! + +_Mr. Toov._ I didn't mean to. I was just a little surprised, do you +know, at your taking a cab for such a short distance. I thought you +might have felt unwell; but perhaps dear Mrs. CUMBERBATCH insisted---- + +_Mrs. Toov._ Why, of course, Pa; you know how kind and considerate she +is; otherwise I should never have dreamed of---- + +_Mr. Toov._ Just what I thought, my love. But wasn't the cabman rather +uncivil? I wonder you gave way to him--unless, of course, he was +drunk. + +_Mrs. Toov._ He _was_--disgracefully drunk, Pa; if you heard so much, +you must have noticed that; and how you could sit quietly here and +never think of coming to my assistance! Ah, it is hardly for _you_ to +reproach me for submitting to his extortion! + +_Mr. Toov._ Indeed, my love, I'd no idea--you are generally so very +firm with cabmen that---- (_Changing the subject._) By-the-bye, I +don't know if you noticed a note for you lying on the hall table? It +must have come after you left. It looked to me wonderfully like dear +Mrs. CUMBERBATCH'S writing, but what could she have to write about +when she would be seeing you directly? Did she allude to it at all? + +_Mrs. Toov._ From ELIZA CUMBERBATCH? No; at least, she--I'll go and +get it. (_She goes into the hall and finds the note._) Good gracious, +it _is_ ELIZA'S hand! (_She reads it hurriedly under the hall-lamp._) +"Just a line. Zenana meeting postponed at last moment. Will let you +know when another day fixed. Well, it will save me the trouble of +writing to her; but, oh dear, the stories I've been telling Pa! But +he's as bad--I _know_ he's as bad! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_as_ Mrs. T. _returns_). So you found the note, CORNELIA, +and what does Mrs. CUMBERBATCH say? + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_putting the note in the fire_). It--it was only +from--from my dressmaker. (_To herself._) He _drives_ me to this! + +_Mr. Toov._ (_again uneasy_). Do you know, CORNELIA, I--I may be +wrong, but I've a very strong suspicion that---- + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_in terror_). Pa, speak out! In--in the name of Heaven, +_what_ is it you suspect? + +_Mr. Toov._ It's getting stronger every moment. I'm sure of it. My +love, there's a strange man downstairs in the kitchen! + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_with a gasp of relief_). A man! Oh, this must be seen +into at once! (_She rings the bell furiously; presently_ PH[OE]BE +_appears, evidently only half-awake_.) PH[OE]BE, what does this mean? +I insist on the truth! + +_Ph[oe]be_. I'm very sorry m'm, but I'd no idea you was home, and I +was sitting up for you downstairs, and I expect I must have dropped +asleep, and never heard you come in. + +_Mrs. Toov._ Don't attempt to deceive _me_! You are entertaining a man +downstairs, contrary to all my orders. Yes, it's useless to deny it, +your master has distinctly heard sounds. + +_Mr. Toov._ No, my love, I can't exactly say as much as +that--but--yes, every time the door opens it's more perceptible! (_He +sniffs._) Don't you observe yourself, my dear, a remarkably strong +odour of tobacco-smoke? Now, as I never have been a smoker myself, it +stands to reason that---- + + [_Mrs. T. suddenly sits down, scarlet._ + +[Illustration: "Mrs. Toovey suddenly sits down, scarlet."] + +_Ph[oe]be_ (_roused_). I'm sure if you and master suspect me of +concealing followers downstairs, you're welcome to search as much as +you please! Cook's gone up to bed hours ago, and for a poor girl to +be kep' up to this time o' night, and then have her character took +away--why, I'm not accustomed to such treatment, and, what's more, put +up with it I _won't_. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, guiltily_). It's that filthy smoke at the +Eldorado! (_Aloud._) THEOPHILUS, how can you have such ridiculous +fancies? Tobacco, indeed! I--_I_ don't notice anything. PH[OE]BE, it +was a mistake of your master's; I don't blame you in the least. There, +you've sat up long enough, go to bed, go, girl! + +_Ph[oe]be._ Beggin' your pardon, m'm, but insinuations have been +descended to which I can't pass over in a hurry, and before I go I +should wish---- + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_feverishly_). I tell you it was all a mistake. Your +master will apologise for it. Pa, say you're sorry! + +_Ph[oe]be._ I don't require no apologies from _master_, m'm. I can +make allowances for _him_--more partickler as there's no mistake about +there being a smell of tobaccer-smoke. I don't wonder at _anyone_ +noticing it. It's your sending for me like this, and trying to shift +the blame on the innercent, when all the time---- + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). This is too intolerable! (_Aloud._) +Haven't I _said_ I didn't blame you, you unreasonable girl! Let us +have no more of this impertinence! Leave us! + +_Ph[oe]be._ I will, m'm, as soon as ever you can get suited, for, to +tell you the truth, I don't like such goings on as these; and I'll +take care I get a good character, too, or I'll know the reason why! +(_As she closes the door._) And I 'ope master will satisfy himself +where the smell of tobacco reelly _does_ come from, I'm sure; it isn't +from _downstairs_! + + [_She vanishes, leaving Mrs. T. petrified._ + +_Mr. Toov._ You see, my love, it couldn't have been all my fancy, +because PH[OE]BE noticed it too. Dear me, it's late; I'd better go and +see that everything is locked up. (_As he passes_ Mrs. T.) It's very +extraordinary. Surely they don't allow any of the missionaries to +smoke at these Zenana meetings, my love--do they? + +_Mrs. Toov._ Of course they don't. I--I am at a loss to understand +you. THEOPHILUS, and--and I am going to bed. + +_Mr. Toov._ No, but really---- Why, I _see_ how it was! Depend upon +it, my dear, that cabman must have been sitting inside the vehicle +smoking, with the windows up, before you got in. Yes, yes; that +accounts for everything. + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_faintly_). Do you think so, THEOPHILUS? I--I remember +noticing a smell of cigars. + +_Mr. Toov._ (_as he goes out_). My poor dear love, _what_ a trial for +you; and you never complained! Now, when I see dear Mrs CUMBERBATCH at +church to-morrow, I must really caution her not to employ that cabman +again--she may have taken his number, and he really ought to lose his +licence--drunk, and smoking inside his cab! Oh, I shall tell her! + + [_He goes out._ + +_Mrs. Toov._ (_alone_). Pa shall _not_ go to church to-morrow. _I_ +will take care of that, and by the time he sees ELIZA again he will +have forgotten all about it. Is he doing all this to cover his own +misdoings? I can't rest till I know! I will make CHARLES tell me +on Monday. But what if Pa is blameless? No, he must have been doing +_something_ he oughtn't to. It would be too horrible if it turned out +that I--_I_ am the only person who has been (_she catches her breath +with a shudder_) "hi-tiddley-ing," as those vulgar wretches would +call it! There 's only one comfort that I can see; nobody here is ever +likely to know, unless I choose to betray myself. Oh dear! oh dear! I +wish I could forget this awful evening! + + [_She ascends the stairs with a heavy and dispirited tread_. + +END OF SCENE XIV. + + * * * * * + +AN INQUIRY.--Miss QUOTA writes to ask us "where the following +well-known lines are to be found:-- + + "'Eight hours to sleep, eight hours to food are given, + Eight hours to play, and all the rest to Heav'n.'" + + [_We are not sure, but imagine that they are to be found In + the works of "Anon." Anyhow, better send to Editor of "Notes + and Queries," who knows everything._--ED.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HUMAN NATURE REBELS! + +POOR MR. WIGGLES HAS JUST BEEN DESCRIBED BY A FACETIOUS WITNESS OF +THE LOWER ORDERS AS "THAT THERE H'OLD BLOKE WIV A CHOKER, AN' A +CAULIFLOWER ON 'IS 'ED"!!!] + + * * * * * + +TWO VIEWS OF VICTORY. + +THE PAST. + +THE Commander who had fought so bravely was tired out. He could go no +farther. He had beaten back the stubborn foe, and there was nothing +more for him to do. He waited with as much patience as he could muster +the return of his messengers. In a short time he would learn whether +the honour of his country had been preserved; whether his battle was a +defeat or a victory. + +"Will they never come?" he murmured. "Surely by this time they should +have learned the truth?" + +He had scarcely uttered these words when the scouts returned. + +"General," cried the leader, "your campaign has been crowned with +success! England is herself again! Your reward is assured!" + +And it was. A week later he was made a K.C.B.! + + +THE FUTURE. + +The Commander who had contended with the stubborn foe with a spirit of +stern determination was at length exhausted. He had put to flight the +enemies who at every step had attempted to bar his progress. But now +the affair was over, and there was little for him to do; so he was +waiting as patiently as he could the return of those he had sent +forward to represent him in the proper quarter. Before long he would +receive the intelligence for which he hungered. He would be told +whether all was right or all was wrong; whether his battle was a +defeat or a victory. + +"Will they never come?" he murmured. "Surely by this time they should +have revealed the truth, and made the most of the opportunity." + +He had scarcely uttered these words when the scouts came back. + +"General," cried the leader, "your campaign has been crowned with +success! Capel Court is itself again! The Stocks have gone up 15, and +your success is assured!" + +And it was. A week later and he found himself a millionaire! + + * * * * * + +MEM. FROM MATABELELAND.--Most of the news from the Cape, if not true, +is certainly _Lo Ben trovato_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: EFFECTS OF SHYNESS. + +_Shy Lady_ (_trying to break the ice_). "WHAT A SAD THING IT ALL IS +ABOUT THIS WRETCHED COAL-STRIKE, _ISN'T_ IT?" + +_Silent Gentleman_ (_also shy_). "ER<--YES--ER--I ALMOST THINK THAT +EVERYTHING THAT CAN BE SAID ON THAT SUBJECT--ER--ER--_HAS_ BEEN SAID!" + + [_Conversation languishes after this._ + + * * * * * + +"RULE, BRITANNIA!" (?) + + ["Her Majesty's Government are perfectly satisfied as to the + adequacy and capacity of the British Navy to perform all the + purposes for which it exists."--_Mr. Gladstone, in House of + Commons, November 7, 1893._ + + "Everybody knows, Liberals as well as Tories, that it is + indispensable that we should have not only a powerful + Navy, but I may say an all-powerful Navy."--_Mr. Morley at + Manchester, November 8, 1893._] + + Since "Britain First!" is Fate's command, + And History bids us sway the main, + We feel this charter of our land + All guardian statesmen must maintain. + Rule, BRITANNIA! BRITANNIA rule the waves! + Out on the Chief who only shirks and saves! + + The nations must not rival thee, + Their fleets below our own must fall. + _Thou_ must, if thou'dst be great and free, + Still rise superior to them all! + Rule, BRITANNIA! BRITANNIA rule the waves! + Such primacy e'en peaceful COBDEN craves. + + Russia and France are now allies!-- + Though funny, 'tis not all a joke. + As their rejoicings shake the skies, + Think how the great Free Trader spoke! + Rule, BRITANNIA! BRITANNIA rule the waves! + Better that Hundred Millions than be slaves. + + True, all thy statesmen _say_ the same, + MORLEY hands COBDEN'S dictum down. + Yet Ins and Outs do play a game + That hardly adds to thy renown. + Rule, BRITANNIA! BRITANNIA rule the waves! + _But_ Parties squabble and the Exchequer--saves! + + If thou'dst maintain thine ocean reign, + And first in Commerce still would'st shine, + The easy optimistic strain + And Pangloss pose must not be thine. + Rule, BRITANNIA! BRITANNIA rule the waves! + But constant warding constant watching craves. + + Devotion to the needs of home, + And claims parochial, is not all. + Beware, lest shades more darkling come, + With gloomier writings on the wall. + Rule, BRITANNIA! BRITANNIA rule the waves! + Britons to careless trust should ne'er be slaves. + + Say, Statesman, are those figures found + Full warrant for your picture bold? + Our watch the wave-washed world around + Needs iron hearts, _and_ ungrudged gold. + Rule, BRITANNIA! BRITANNIA rule the waves! + Britons--free-handed--never need be slaves! + + * * * * * + +Mrs. R thinks the reason so many of the young men of the present day +are bald is, because they don't use antimacassar oil as they did in +her time. + + * * * * * + +MARCH IN NOVEMBER. + + "Blow, blow, thou winter wind," + In verse some call thee wind. + Though Thursday's crowd was thinned + By blasts so unrefined, + And men in armour, tinned + Like lobsters, mutely pined-- + They, later, "wined" and "ginned," + Whilst guests superbly dined + On turtle, fish (that's finned), + Joints, game of matchless kind, + And wines, rare, old, long-binned. + Blow clear, before, behind, + The streets where lately dinned + The band--each man, defined, + Of _Vaterland_ the _kind_-- + And sightless singers whined + Not much like _Jenny Lind_; + Would they were dumb, not blind! + Whilst grinders grimly grinned, + And ground their graceless grind. + I swore; perhaps I sinned. + But now they seem to find + Their rags, just tied and pinned, + Let in thy blast unkind, + By which they're almost skinned. + Then blow, I do not mind, + Thou rough November wind-- + Pronounced by many, wind. + + * * * * * + +Seasonable. + + When garden lawns are a green bog, + And shrubbery vistas veiled in fog, + Reload revolvers, let dogs run! + The Burglar Season has begun! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "RULE, BRITANNIA!" (?) + +SHADE OF COBDEN (_quoting from his own speech at Rochdale, June 26, +1861_). "I AM NOT ONE TO ADVOCATE THE REDUCING OF OUR NAVY IN ANY +DEGREE BELOW THAT PROPORTION TO THE FRENCH NAVY WHICH THE EXIGENCIES +OF OUR SERVICE REQUIRE. WE HAVE A LEGITIMATE PRETENSION TO HAVE A +LARGER NAVY THAN FRANCE.... IF THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT SHOWED A SINISTER +DESIGN TO INCREASE THEIR NAVY TO AN EQUALITY WITH OURS, I _SHOULD +VOTE A HUNDRED MILLIONS STERLING_ RATHER THAN ALLOW THAT NAVY TO BE +INCREASED _TO A LEVEL WITH OURS...._ I HAVE SAID SO IN THE HOUSE OF +COMMONS, AND I REPEAT IT TO _YOU_."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Mr. FISHER UNWIN is, my Baronite writes, still engaged in the +important work, some time ago undertaken by his house, of +publishing _The Story of the Nations_. The last volume issued is the +thirty-fifth, in which Mr. GREVILLE TREGARTHEN deals with the History +of the Australian Commonwealth. Australasia is a mere chit among the +nations of the world, and story, God bless you, it has hardly any to +tell. It has never been at war except with the aboriginal settlers, +who were, at the outset, so lost to all proper feeling as to resent +the incursion of the white man, occasionally carrying their prejudice +to the absurd extent of eating him. But this is ancient history in a +record which, beginning a little more than a hundred years ago with a +convict settlement--it was on January 26, 1788, the British flag was +for the first time unfurled in Sydney Bay--has already spread out +lusty limbs over a vast Continent. _The Story of the Nations_ forms a +library of itself, and this last volume is not the least fascinating +of the series. + +The Baron, while greatly admiring and certainly grateful for the +Diamond editions of all the best works, and Diamond editions should +reproduce only those that can be classed among the "brilliants," of +which two or three specimens at a time can be carried easily in +the pocket of an ulster, begs to remind Messrs. ROUTLEDGE, the +republishers of DICKENS'S works in a very pocketable form, that +much of our journeying is done by such gaslight as railway companies +supply, and therefore, as this is not always of the most powerful +kind, a book in small type, however clear the type may be, is +unreadable. That is what the publishers have to consider. This +excellent little pocket volume of, for example, _The Cricket on the +Hearth_, is of no use to the Baron when once out of the pocket. True, +the publishers may say "it is intended for the pocket only"; but if +this be the case, then the pockets that would suffer would be those of +the publishers, not those of the reading public. The Baron's hints are +well worth consideration. For travelling, the publishers might provide +and sell a small case containing the Diamond edition and a portable +candle-lamp by which to read it. Only this would rather add to the +expense, and with every volume one does not wish to be obliged to +carry a candle-lamp. Therefore, bigger and clearer type. That's all. +Try it, and if it does not succeed, blame the hitherto blameless + + BARON DE B.-W. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CRUELLE ENIGME; OR, TWOS INTO ONE WON'T GO. + +THE PROBLEM OF THE DAY:--HOW TO GET THIS YEAR'S SLEEVES INTO LAST +YEAR'S JACKET.] + + * * * * * + +Mrs. R. saw a heading in a newspaper. "_Board of Trade Returns._" +Whereupon she exclaimed, "Where's the Board of Trade been to? I +suppose for a holiday, and we shall have to pay!" + + * * * * * + +THE BOGUS MANAGER'S VADE MECUM. + +_Question._ Is it an easy thing to become the manager of a theatre? + +_Answer._ Why, certainly; you require no cash, and very little credit. + +_Q._ Is it necessary that you should have any special training to +enable you to appropriately fill so responsible a position? + +_A._ No. If you are sufficiently impudent, you may in the past have +been a betting-man, a crossing-sweeper, or an unqualified dentist. + +_Q._ Will you have any difficulty in securing a theatre? + +_A._ Not at all. You will always find someone willing to accept you as +a lessee without making any inquiry as to your antecedents. + +_Q._ Having obtained a theatre, what is your next step? + +_A._ To get together a company. This is easily managed, as the +dramatic trade-journals give every week a long list of actors and +actresses who are "resting." + +_Q._ What do you understand by such a word? + +_A._ That the advertiser is much in need of an engagement, but is too +proud to acknowledge it. + +_Q._ Such a frame of mind is, I suppose, favourable to hurried and +unconsidered engagements? + +_A._ Quite so. It is an easy matter to get an entire company on +excellent terms. Not that money is of any importance; for you may +as well promise five pounds a week as five shillings, if you do not +intend to pay. + +_Q._ Having secured your company, what is the next step? + +_A._ To make them rehearse three weeks or a month without a salary. + +_Q._ I suppose you have no trouble about obtaining a piece on +advantageous terms? + +_A._ None whatever. If you are lucky you will get some conceited +noodle to pay you for producing his play; and if you are not so +fortunate, why at least you will get a drama, comedy, or burlesque for +nothing. + +_Q._ Say that you are ready to begin, will you have any difficulty in +obtaining the preliminary announcements? + +_A._ No. For having been trusted by the proprietor of the theatre, the +advertisement agents will follow suit, and you will obtain sufficient +publicity to balance your requirements. + +_Q._ And what will take place on and after the opening of the +playhouse under your management? + +_A._ You will get more or less ready money taken at the doors during +five days of the week, with which you can safely decamp without paying +anybody on or before the sixth. + +_Q._ Will not your sudden departure cause some inconvenience to a +large number of persons connected with the enterprise? + +_A._ Assuredly. Many of the company you have engaged will starve, and +the other parties to the proceedings will use strong language as they +wipe off your liability as a bad debt. + +_Q._ Is it possible that you will be made a bankrupt? + +_A._ Not only possible, but probable. + +_Q._ And will this end your theatrical career? + +_A._ Why, of course not. All you will have to do is to take a little +holiday. + +_Q._ And after the holiday, what next? + +_A._ Why, then you can secure another theatre and repeat the +proceedings with exactly similar results. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NEWS FROM THE LAW COURTS. + +Cold but In-vig-orating.] + + * * * * * + +THE GINGHAM-GRABBER. + + Someone wrote, "Killing's no Murder." + Nothing well could be absurder! + But to many in our time + Stealing (umbrellas) seems no crime. + Therefore, to a frank plain dealer, + Killing--an umbrella-stealer-- + Might be called--by Justice tried-- + Justifiable Snobicide! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "CRAMMING." + +_Affectionate Uncle._ "GLAD TO SEE YOU, RUPERT. NOW TELL ME ALL ABOUT +IT. WHAT FORM ARE YOU IN, OLD BOY?" + +_Nephew (just returned from Harrow)._ "WELL, UNCLE, NOT SO BAD, +I THINK. I CAN GENERALLY MANAGE A COUPLE OF EGGS, TWO SAUSAGES OR +KIDNEYS, SOME DUNDEE MARMALADE, AND TWO CUPS OF COFFEE FOR BREAKFAST. +I ALWAYS HAVE A LITTLE LUNCHEON, ANY AMOUNT OF ROAST BEEF OR MUTTON +FOR DINNER, AND I GENERALLY LOOK IN AT THE CONFECTIONER'S IN THE +AFTERNOON, AND INVARIABLY WIND UP WITH A GOOD SUPPER. WHAT DO YOU +THINK OF THAT?" + + [_Disappointed and misunderstood Uncle subsides, and thinks it + best to make no comments._] + +] + + * * * * * + +THE NINTH OF NOVEMBER. + + The Lord Mayor's Show, I saw it from the Strand, + I stood and waited there an hour or so, + Till from afar there came with blare of band + The Lord Mayor's Show. + + In civic splendour and with footstep slow + Passed the procession, glorious and grand! + I liked the soldiers well enough, although + The men from Deal looked quite at home on land. + Yet I confess that when I came to go, + I said that once a year's enough to stand + The Lord Mayor's Show. + + * * * * * + +"THE BLACK ART" REVIVED!--"The best specimen of the Black Art," quoth +the Baron de B. W., "that I have lately seen, is the republication of +the works of the Wizard of the North, _alias_ Sir WALTER SCOTT, Bart., +in a series of substantial library-shelve-ish volumes, printed in good +clear type." + + * * * * * + +Q. E. D. + + Don't tell me of "room at the top!" It's a case, + I'm sure, of "no thoroughfare." I'm at the base! + Does that not suffice you? There only remains + Some "room at the top" of your head, man, for brains. + + * * * * * + +A DICKENSIAN QUESTION.--At the date when _Martin Chuzzlewit_ was +written, what may fairly be assumed to have been the fashionable hour +for dining? + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, November 6._--PRINCE ARTHUR in fine +form to-night; made one of those speeches that distinctly enhance +Parliamentary reputation. Ticklish situation for Leader of Opposition +in face of Parish Councils Bill. Won't do, with General Election +within measurable distance, to declare plump against it; still +less will it suit party to support one of principal measures of a +Government whose successive steps, however devious, are all bent upon +goal of Home Rule. For two nights men rising from Opposition benches +have endeavoured to wriggle through this difficulty; been more or less +unsuccessful; PRINCE ARTHUR, with sure aim and light touch, does and +says exactly right thing. + +By all means let HODGE have a voice in direction of his own affairs; +his best friend, the party who spent themselves in his behalf in +Corn-Law days, who acted in his best interests whenever question +of political enfranchisement or his relations to parson and squire +cropped up--the great Tory party would be the very last to slacken +effort for his prosperity. So anxious are they on the score, they +would not imperil opportunity by throwing out this Bill on the +Second Reading. But PRINCE ARTHUR showed, in little asides, that this +particular measure is badly conceived, not nearly so good as what +would have befallen HODGE had a Unionist Ministry been in office. For +an hour the PRINCE spoke, displaying perfect mastery of the subject, +managing, without assuming a hostile attitude, to bestow upon the +measure some damaging blows. + +[Illustration: LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS.--No. 4. SCENES IN THE CITY.] + +First time since House met Mr. G. began to show that keen interest in +proceedings which he seemed to have reserved for Home Rule Bill. Sat +listening intently with hand to ear as PRINCE ARTHUR gracefully glided +on from point to point. Pretty little sparring match when PRINCE +ARTHUR endeavoured to draw him into doing something damaging, either +in the way of reticence or declaration, touching GEORGE RUSSELL'S +explosive speech on Friday night. "I would not," observed PRINCE +ARTHUR, "have said so much, but I presume that in this matter the hon. +gentleman represented the Government of which he is a member." Mr. G. +shook his head. "Then he disclaims it?" Mr. G. shook his head +again. "Oh, then, though he does not dissociate himself from the +Under-secretary of India, he does not associate the Government with +his remarks?" Mr. G. again shook his head, finally explaining that his +young friend and colleague had merely revived former custom--existing +"in my early days"--whereby Ministers not in the Cabinet and not +connected with department specially concerned in matter at issue, +might enter at large into general debate. + +"Here, here!" said ELLIS ASHMEAD-BARTLETT (Knight), for once in +agreement with the views of Arch Enemy. + +[Illustration: T. H. Napoleon Boltonparty "objected to ladies being +Justices of the Peace." + +_Justice Herself._ "Aha! Show me the man who said that!"] + +_Business done._--More debate on Parish Councils Bill. As usual, +adjourned at midnight. Motion made that House forthwith adjourn, +OLIVER ROLLIT asks for more. Too early to go home; might as well sit +up till one o'clock, and take private Bills. House aghast. SQUIRE OF +MALWOOD discreetly says he will think the matter over. + +_Tuesday._--Another night on Parish Councils. Debate should have +finished last night; finally arranged to close it before dinner hour +to-day; but it dribbled on to midnight. As there was an hour to +spare, TOMMY BOWLES, who since Session resumed has been silent in +six languages, thought he might as well say a few words. Romped in at +half-past ten; awkward this; about the hour when JOKIM had intended +to lift debate out of rut by one of his luminous speeches. THOMAS, +however, thought House would prefer to hear him. At any rate, he +provided opportunity. When at length JOKIM spoke upon subject on which +he is supreme authority, House almost empty, altogether languid. + +Brightened up for moment at SQUIRE OF MALWOOD'S happy wit. JOKIM, +following on line trekked by PRINCE ARTHUR, suggested that half of +Bill dealing with Poor Law matters should be abandoned. "According +to judgment of SOLOMON," said the SQUIRE, "it was the true mother who +would not consent to divide her child in two." + +A dreary night made endurable by incursion of +KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN--HERBERT THOMAS, of Faversham division of Kent. +For many years his brother sat in House till he finally wobbled into a +peerage, and, as ROSEBERY said, wore his coronet as a crown of thorns +because it had been given him by Mr. G. When he was with us here, and +one turned to _Dod_ to find him under heading "HUGESSEN," there was +discovered instruction "See KNATCHBULL-HUGESSEN." This was explained +at the time on score that no one from day to day exactly knew where +_Hugessen_ was. + +Different with his younger brother. "Sometimes," he said just now, +looking sorrowfully round the House, a gleam of comfort brightening +his eyes as they rested on a back view of JIMMY LOWTHER'S head, "I +believe I'm the only Tory left in the House." + +To-night up and smote Parish Councils Bill in uncompromising speech. +No truckling to Socialism. No bowing the knee to the Baal HODGE. No +leaning on the arm of Rimmon as he goes to worship in the temple +of the Compound Householder. The Bill another downward step on the +pathway dug out for the chariot of Free Trade; the country going to +dogs at accelerated pace. + +Small House, but it listened with delight to the most thoroughly +honest speech heard from any bench through many Parliaments. + +_Business done._--Parish Councils Bill read second time. + +_Thursday._--Still smiling at PRINCE ARTHUR'S joke; led up to with +great skill; last touch of art given in the look of startled surprise +with which he regarded uproariously laughing audience. Was passing +eulogy on RHODES and the Chartered Company, forasmuch as, whilst +certainly mowing down the Matabele with the Maxim gun, they had +spread the benefits of civilisation, "extending railways, extending +telegraphs, extending roads." + +[Illustration: The Clark of the House causing a Division.] + +"Exactly," said the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE. "I spoke for an hour +and a half, and BALFOUR puts what I had meant to say in a phrase. What +is all this action in Mashonaland, this spending of money, and making +of war, but the Extension of RHODES?" + +MAGUIRE undertook to defend Chartered Company against attack of SAGE. +"Terrible work, TOBY," he said, mopping his heated brow. "Much rather +approach LOBENGULA'S kraal itself than stand up and face the House." + +Had to be done, however, and MAGUIRE not the man to run away from +anything approaching a fight. Still he observed precaution of getting +as near the door as possible, speaking from remote end of bench, +almost outside limits of bar. Also he found some subtle comfort, +strength, and consolation in standing on one leg whilst he addressed +the Speaker. Sometimes it was the right leg, sometimes the left. +Whether on one or the other--not for a moment on two--he described +to the charmed House how the cherished object of Mr. RHODES, the one +desire upon which all the energies of the Chartered Company were bent, +was that the men of Matabele should "marry and settle down." + +_Business done._--Discussion of affairs in Matabeleland. + +_Friday._--Debate on M'LAREN'S Amendment to Employers' Liability Bill +brought to conclusion at midnight. Thought it would be all over before +dinner; dragged on hour after hour with ever deepening depression. +Seems as if already, in this first fortnight of Autumn Session, +energy's sapped; dulness certainly dominant. + +"The fact is," said THE SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, "there is no fight about +the House now JOSEPH is awa'. Hear he is coming back towards end +of next week, balmy from the Bahamas, breezy from the Atlantic. I +shouldn't at all wonder if, upon his arrival, a genial change was +wrought in things generally." + +_Business done._--Government defeat averted by majority of 19. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERIES. + +THE LONDON PROGRAMME.--I entirely approve of the spirited protest +lately made by the cabmen against that vile instrument of Monopoly, +the "Station Omnibus." But what I want to ask is whether there is +no plan of doing away with a still more nefarious specimen of +capitalistic greed and oppression--I allude to the "Out-Porter." Why +should this minion, of railway tyrants be permitted to take the beer +out of the mouths of honest English working-men? I and a number of my +pals are constantly loafing round the station in our suburb waiting +for a job of luggage-carrying, or if we aren't exactly _at_ the +station, we are always to be found at the Public just opposite. +Will it be believed that passengers actually prefer to engage this +avaricious blackleg, the Out-Porter, instead of employing _us!_ Their +paltry excuse is that he charges less than we do and is more civil. +That _shows_ him to be a contemptible blackleg! Only a serf of our +present miserable social arrangements is ever civil to anybody. Call +him an Out-Porter! If me and my pals catch him one of these dark +nights we'll make an Out-Patient of him! Is the mere convenience of +the public for ever to override the legitimate claims of the deserving +unemployed?--CORNER BOY. + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +105, November 18, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, LONDON CHARIVARI, NOV 18, 1893 *** + +***** This file should be named 39424.txt or 39424.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/4/2/39424/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer Lesley Halamek, and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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