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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 93,
+December 10, 1887, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, December 10, 1887
+
+Author: Various
+
+Release Date: April 12, 2012 [EBook #39437]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, LONDON CHARIVARI, DEC 10, 1887 ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Wayne Hammond,
+Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading
+Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+ PUNCH,
+
+ OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+ VOL. 93.
+
+ DECEMBER 10, 1887
+
+
+ THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+ FROM THE ROCHDALE RASPER (LATE THE BIRMINGHAM PET).
+
+ _One Ash, Rochdale, Saturday._
+
+ DEAR TOBY,
+
+The address from which I write to you is familiar in the public ear in
+connection with a long series which, such is the ignorance of mankind, I
+have heard described as petulant, querulous, self-adulatory notes. I
+have often wondered that it has not occurred to any one to notice the
+singular appropriateness of the name of my humble home. It is not for
+me, at my time of life, to claim anything like prescience of affairs. I
+may have been right in my views of the succeeding events of the past
+half-century, or I may have been wrong. I will just mention that my
+friend, T-NN-S-N, who has a pretty faculty for poetry, once summed me up
+in a couplet which I venture to think is not without its charm. "J-HN
+BR-GHT," he wrote--
+
+ J-HN BR-GHT
+ Is always right.
+
+He told me in confidence that he had at one time contemplated a
+eulogistic poem of some seventy or eighty lines, price to the
+_Nineteenth Century_ a guinea each. But, having thrown off this couplet,
+it appeared in itself so sufficient, so comprehensive yet so precise,
+that amplification would have rather reduced than increased its value.
+Therefore it remains a brilliant fragment.
+
+But I am wandering from the theme, which, in the present instance, is
+not myself but my country address. What I thought might be interesting
+to point out is the curious felicity of the nomenclature, and the
+remarkable foresight of which it is proof. More than a generation ago it
+received this singular appellation. At that time nothing seemed more
+remote from ordinary apprehension than that in this year I should be
+what we call "a Unionist," an ally and supporter of Lord S-L-B-RY,
+pulling in the same boat as the H-M-LT-NS, and marching shoulder to
+shoulder with ASHM-D B-RTL-TT. In those days I was wont to pour forth
+torrents of angry contempt upon the Conservative party. D-SR-LI was my
+wash-pot, over the Markiss I cast out my shoe; but even then my address
+was One Ash, Rochdale. Do you begin to see what I mean? One Empire, One
+Parliament, One Ash! Some of my old colleagues and disciples among the
+Radicals scoff at me because of my new companions. But, as usual, I have
+been right from the first. _I_ have always been what the _Marchioness_
+called a "wonner." What has happened is that the Liberal Party and my
+old companions have moved away from me, whilst the Conservatives have
+moved towards me. I am the same to-day as yesterday, or as these fifty
+years past. "J-HN BR-GHT, always right," and any change of relationship
+or appearance is due to the ineradicable error and fatal foolishness of
+others.
+
+What I feel, dear TOBY, in reviewing a long and honourable life, is the
+terrible feeling of monotony. I sometimes find myself envying ordinary
+men like GL-DST-NE, who, looking back over their past life, can put
+their hand down and say, "There I blundered, there I was misled by
+circumstances." For a long time GL-DST-NE kept pretty straight--that is
+to say I agreed with him. But he has gone wrong lamentably on this Irish
+Question, and all the righteous acts of his life--that is to say, steps
+in which he has chanced to walk in time with me--are obliterated. It is
+true that, at one time, it was I who was the foremost Apostle of Irish
+National feeling. At this date people with inconvenient memories are
+constantly raking up passages in my speeches about Ireland, and the
+English yoke which, except that they are too finely cut, and of too
+noble a style of eloquence, would exactly suit GL-DST-NE to-day. I said
+these things then, it is true, and then they were right. I do not say
+them to-day, and therefore they are wrong. _Quod erat demonstrandum._
+(You will observe that since, with a distinguished friend, I have joined
+the political company of gentlemen, I have forsaken my old habit of
+keeping to the Saxon tongue, and sometimes, as here, I drop into Latin.
+Occasionally I fall into French. _Autres temps, autres moeurs._)
+
+My nearest approach to human frailty, is, perhaps, to be found in a
+certain measure of absence of suavity. It is perhaps possible that my
+temper was,--I will not say soured, but--not sweetened by the vile
+attacks made upon me personally by Irish Members in Parliament during
+the last ten years. You remember what B-NT-NCK said about me? I don't
+mean Big Ben, or Little Ben, but Lord GEORGE B-NT-NCK. "If BR-GHT," he
+said, "had not been a Quaker, he would have been a prize-fighter." I
+think there is about the remark some suspicion of lack of respect. But,
+also, it is not without some foundation of truth. I admit an impulse to
+strike back when I am hit; sometimes when I am not. Through two
+Parliaments the ragged regiment that live upon the contributions of
+their poor relations in domestic service in the United States have
+girded at me in the House of Commons. This was my reward for the
+rhetorical services I did for Ireland a quarter of a century ago. They
+pummelled me, kicked me, dragged my honoured name in the dust, and spat
+upon me in the market-place. That gross ingratitude I could never
+forgive, and if in reprisal, the cause I once advocated suffers, can I
+be held blameable?
+
+But this seems to be running into the groove of apology, and I never
+apologised to anyone for anything in my life. For fear I should begin
+now, I will close this letter, remaining, Your friend, J-HN BR-GHT.
+
+P.S.--I observe that in my haste I have not called you a fool, or
+directly stigmatised as such anyone alluded to in this letter. I am
+afraid this will be regarded as a sign of growing weakness. But I will
+bring up the average in the next letter I write for publication.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DARWINIAN ANCESTOR
+
+_Composing the Song, "For O it is such a Norrible Tail!!"_
+
+    "Our ancestor was an animal which breathed water, had a
+    swim-bladder, a great swimming tail, and an imperfect
+    skull."--_Darwin to Lyell._]
+
+[Illustration: THE BABES IN THE CHRISTMAS WOOD. "The Cry is still they
+come!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PUTTING _HIS_ FOOT IN IT.
+
+_She._ "AND DO YOU STILL SQUEEZE UP THE LADIES' FEET IN YOUR COUNTRY?"
+
+_He._ "ON THE CONTRARY, MADAM! THAT IS A _CHINESE_ CUSTOM. WE IN JAPAN
+ALWAYS ALLOW THE LADIES' FEET TO GROW TO QUITE THEIR FULL SIZE. NOT THAT
+ANY WOULD EVER RIVAL _YOURS_, MADAM!"
+
+[_Is delighted with his neat little Compliment!_]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BABES IN THE CHRISTMAS WOOD.
+
+The Publishers' Cantata.
+
+_Various well-known Publishing Firms in the guise of Forest-trees
+discovered shedding their leaves._
+
+GENERAL CHORUS.
+
+ See Christmas is upon us and the world around us living,
+ Seeks us and asks the pretty gifts it soon would fain be giving.
+ The stories thrilling, tender, sweet, to suit all tastes and ages,
+ All gleaming with their covers gay and picture-covered pages;
+ The dainty illustrated leaf, the paper softly tinted,
+ In type, to suit young eyes and old, all exquisitely printed:
+ Of artist's pencil, author's pen, the choicest, fairest flower,
+ Behold as the glad season comes we thus upon you shower.
+
+MESSRS. BLACKIE & SONS.
+
+ Christmas leaves? Would you pick up the handsomest ones,
+ First look at these scattered by BLACKIE & SONS.
+ Here tales of home life and adventure in plenty,
+ Have good names to vouch for them. Take G. A. HENTY,
+ In "Bonnie Prince Charlie" and "Orange and Green,"
+ He lays first in Scotland, then Ireland his scene,
+ And thrills you with reading the hairbreadth escapes,
+ Of the heroes he rescues from numberless scrapes.
+ But while in "For the Temple," he ventures to tell
+ How in ages long past great Jerusalem fell;
+ Yet if less ancient horrors are more to your mind,
+ In the reign of the "Terror" material you'll find;
+ And if you would learn how pluck never goes wrong,
+ You've but to go straightway to "Sturdy and Strong."
+ Next ELIZABETH LYSAGHT in "Aunt Hesba's Charge,"
+ On the virtues of old Maiden Aunts doth enlarge,
+ And relates in "Our General" by a small head,
+ How a family through all its trials may be led.
+ Then J. PERCY GROVES in "The War of the Axe,"
+ Tells a stirring Cape story of Caffre attacks,
+ And "The Seven Wise Scholars" supply ASCOTT R. HOPE,
+ For knocking off seven good tales, ample scope,
+ He in "Old Renown" stories, too, brilliantly writes
+ Of the deeds done of old by brave heroes and knights;
+ While E. BROOKES harking back with his "Chivalric Days,"
+ Of the boys and the girls of old times sings the praise.
+ "Girl Neighbours," allows SARAH TYTLER to say,
+ On the whole she prefers the girl of the day;
+ In "Miss Willowbrown's Offer," how traitors may fail,
+ SARAH DOWDNEY describes in a well-written tale.
+ With "The Babbling Teapot," to a little girl changed,
+ Mrs. CHAMPNEY has well into Wonderland ranged.
+ Out of "Willie," who here "Gutta Percha" is named,
+ GEORGE MACDONALD, an excellent story has framed,
+ And has shown how he finds life's troubles prove plastic,
+ Possessing a brain which his friends deem elastic.
+ In "The Princess" and "Goblin" he tries a new scheme,
+ And sweeps you along with his mystical theme;
+ But when she meets "Curdie" he now and then treads
+ On ground that is over his young readers' heads.
+ If a truant's adventures, fair reading you find,
+ The good ship "Atalanta," you'd bear in your mind,
+ And you'll follow "aboard" it, the hero whose fate
+ HENRY FRITH'S thrilling pages know how to relate.
+ Next in "Chirp and Chatter" from field and from tree,
+ Young children taught lessons by L. BANKS you'll see.
+ "Queen Maud," with her "orders" by LOUISA CROW,
+ Shows pride in a haughty young maiden brought low:
+ While in the "Squire's Grandson," J. CALLWELL proves how
+ A small boy can make up a family row.
+ The stories of WASA and MENZIKOFF tell
+ Two historical tales, and do it right well.
+ In his "Dick o' the Fens," one Fen,--MANVILLE FENN,--
+ Gives some capital studies of Lincolnshire men;
+ But in "Sir Walter's Ward," the age of Crusades,
+ Mr. WILLIAM EVERARD brightly invades.
+ The "Girlhood" of "Margery Merton" relates,
+ The struggle that oft a young artist awaits,
+ And how in the end her brave efforts prevail,
+ ALICE CORKRAN unfolds in her well-written tale.
+ And if "Clogs," well selected for children to wear,
+ You're in need, AMY WALTON will find you "a pair."
+ If the "Secret" of "Rovers" is more to your taste,
+ HARRY COLLINGWOOD follow,--your time you'll not waste.
+ In field, forest, or stream, would you "Insect Ways" learn,
+ For their "Summer Day's" life to J. HUMPHREYS turn.
+ But to close:--GORDON BROWNE, whose famed pencil so skilled,
+ Of the foregoing pages so many has filled,
+ Crowns the whole by contributing last, but not least,
+ His new "Hop o' my Thumb" and "The Beauty and Beast."
+
+GEORGE ROUTLEDGE & SONS.
+
+ Are you seeking for young children picture-books to please the eye?
+ Then your need GEORGE ROUTLEDGE and his Sons will readily supply.
+ Here's "Little Wide-Awake," designed to suit the earliest age,
+ Bound brightly, with a picture too on nearly every page;
+ And then there's "Sunny Childhood," with its colouring so gay,
+ Where Mrs. SALE BARKER has such pleasant things to say;
+ And in "Our Friends" and in "Our Home" she takes them by the hand,
+ And talks to little readers in the words they understand.
+ "Our Darlings," too, by MARS, show how our little darlings fare
+ Who by their MARS (and Pa's as well) are taken everywhere.
+ If "Fairy Tales" you're seeking, LABOULAYE'S collected lore,
+ With new ones, and unheard before, will furnish up your store.
+ And if young heroes of all climes should come within your scope,
+ You'll turn to "Youngsters' Yarns," and will have faith in ASCOTT HOPE.
+ Then "Herbert Massey's" doings in "Eastern Africa" you'll find,
+ Told by Commander CAMERON, quite of a thrilling kind.
+ "The Children of the New Forest," that MARRYAT wrote of yore,
+ PAUL HARDY and JOHN GILBERT join to illustrate once more.
+ "Round Nature's Dial," by H. M. BURNSIDE, tells full and clear
+ The shifting story of the times and seasons of the year.
+ The "Annual" for "Every Boy" affords all boys a treat,
+ Which, thanks to EDMUND ROUTLEDGE, may be held as quite complete.
+ Here "Caldecott's last 'Graphic' Pictures" come in handy guise,
+ While by her "Book" consulting, the "Young Lady" may grow wise.
+ How good we'd be if all, before they do, to think would tarry
+ On what Miss EDGEWORTH taught to "Lucy," "Rosamond," and "Harry."
+ "Natural History," Illustrated "for Young People," must do good,
+ As a text-book for young children, ably done by F. G. WOOD.
+ The "Funny Foxes and their Feats" and doings "at the Fair,"
+ With some of ERNST GRISET'S happiest efforts may compare.
+ "The 'Shall Nots' of the Bible" and "Loving Links" combine,
+ In page illuminated, human verse and text divine.
+ "Play and Earnest" tells of children who their playing much enjoy,
+ In a story quaint and charming of a plucky little boy.
+ Then "Sunbeam Stories," "Storm" and "Sunshine," told in prose and
+    rhyme,
+ And "Stories" for a "Holiday," as also "Pets' Pastime."
+ These, with "Sindbad's" famed Adventures, new to many we suppose,
+ With KATE GREENAWAY'S bright Almanack our list must fitly close.
+
+MESSRS. MACMILLAN & CO.
+
+ Surely "Little Miss Peggy" will work you the spell
+ Mrs. MOLESWORTH'S charmed pen weaves so deftly and well,
+ For this quaint little lady, with ways sweet and bright,
+ Her small nursery readers can't fail to delight.
+ In "An Unknown Country" pen and pencil beguile
+ Him who tempts it to visit his own Sister Isle.
+ The text he'll find art a true handmaid to wait on
+ In the exquisite work of F. NOEL PATON.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Christmas Cards.
+
+ Of Christmas Cards a splendid show
+ This year! Wherever you may go
+ You see them. When you're told, you know
+               They're Christmas Cards.
+ In such a game of Cards the thing
+ Before the eyes of all to bring
+ Is Christmas, but they're Summer, Spring,
+               Most Christmas Cards.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ Taking high rank among the Christmas Cards,
+ The artistic reproductions, MARCUS WARD'S,
+ Of two of RAPHAEL'S best-known Madonnas
+ Must, at this season, carry off the honours.
+ Both from one Pitti Palace--need we name them?--
+ 'Twould be a thousand pities not to frame them.
+
+(AIR--"_King of the Cannibal Islands._")
+
+ Here's an "Opal Souvenir,"
+ Lovely _mem_ of present year,
+ And it comes from, as we hear,
+     HILDESHEIMER AND FAULKNER.
+ Among the Cards the best designs
+ Are those by WEEDON, WILSON, HINES,
+ BOTHAMS, DEALY also shines,
+ KILBURNE, DRUMMOND, on like lines,
+ WILLIAMSON, MAGUIRE too,
+ SIGIMUND, artistic crew,
+ All at work their best to do
+     For HILDESHEIMER AND FAULKNER.
+
+(AIR--"_Rare Ben._")
+
+         RAPHAEL TUCK!
+         Here's luck!
+       Rejoice! no dumps!
+ Why, all your Cards are trumps!
+       And all applied
+     To merry Christmas-tide!
+     In these un-Christmas days,
+ _Punch_ says 'tis greatly to thy praise.
+         So, RAPHAEL TUCK,
+           My buck,
+         Here's luck!
+
+_To Mr. Punch._
+
+ "Such books, cards, and crackers," cries Poet, perplexed,
+ "As remain on the list, I will give 'in our next.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR DEBATING CLUB.
+
+_An apology--Eloquent Peroration by our Vice-President_--NAYLOR _offers
+some critical remarks, and_ KIRKSTONE _relates a humorous anecdote_.
+
+I am in a position this week to redeem my promise, and raise the
+hitherto impenetrable veil that has long shrouded the proceedings of the
+Gargoyle Club from the Public Eye. In the exercise of the discretion
+with which I have been entrusted, I have somewhat departed from the form
+of report originally contemplated, and selected only the more striking
+and characteristic deliverances of my fellow Gargoyles, interspersed
+with such short notes and descriptions as may best serve to bring out
+their several mannerisms and idiosyncrasies. Should I offend by this I
+shall deeply regret it, but I find that there are traditions and customs
+in the management of a facetious periodical which, however exacting and
+absurd in themselves, must be respected by those who would furnish it
+with literary matter.
+
+Having thus apologised in advance to any honourable Gargoyle who may
+consider himself misrepresented or insufficiently reported, let me
+present, as the first instalment of these papers, some extracts from
+notes taken at a most instructive debate last session upon the motion
+(brought forward by PLUMLEY DUFF; opposed by GASPARD HARTUPP), that:
+
+"In the opinion of this House, Science has been productive of more real
+benefit to the Human Race than Art."
+
+Somehow, although I know that DUFF'S speech was compounded of plain
+common sense interspersed with abundant facts (all DUFF'S speeches are
+like that), I did not begin to take notes that evening until HARTUPP had
+reached his peroration, which was in this form:--
+
+"Sir," said HARTUPP (_with an inflection of unspeakable pathos in his
+voice, which ought to make_ PINCENEY _shed tears--but does not_),
+"before I sit down--before, Sir, I resume my seat,"--(_this solemnly, as
+if he has a deep presentiment that he may never resume another
+seat_)--"let me ask the Honourable Member who is responsible for the
+Motion on the paper this evening--let me put to him this single inquiry,
+this solitary question--and I shall await his answer with considerable
+curiosity." ... (_Here_ HARTUPP _gazes with an air of challenge at_
+DUFF, _who, however, is drawing_ EUCLID'S _first proposition upon his
+blotting-pad, an occupation which seems to absorb the whole of his
+faculties for the moment_.) "Is he here to-night to deny the existence
+of any good that is not visible, that is not tangible, that cannot be
+measured with a tape, or weighed in scales? _Sir_, that is the
+philosophy of the volatile sparrow, of the soulless hog, that skims the
+vault of the azure empyrean, and wallows content in the mire of his
+native sky--I _should_ say" (_with an air of careless concession to
+prosaic accuracy_), "stye! That bird, Sir, that pig, like the Honourable
+Proposer himself"--(_a titter here from the more frivolous_; DUFF _rubs
+his nose, and evidently wonders whether_ HARTUPP _has been saying
+anything worth noticing_)--"would find the universe none the poorer had
+PRAXITELES carved nothing more immortal than an occasional cold fowl;
+had HOMER swept his lyre, not in commemoration of the fall of an ancient
+Troy, but to celebrate the rise of a new soap (HARTUPP _rather prides
+himself on his talent for antithesis_); "and had TITIAN lavished all his
+wealth of glowing colour and gorgeous hues upon the unretentive surface
+of some suburban pavement! But, _Sir_, I hope that we, by our vote
+to-night, will afford no encouragement to the gross and contemptible
+materialism which is the curse of the present day, and of which, I am
+compelled to add," (_here he glances reproachfully at the unconscious_
+DUFF, _who is sharpening a pencil_), "we have been afforded so
+melancholy an example this evening. Let us proclaim to the world without
+that we, as Gentlemen and as Gargoyles, repudiate, that we loathe, that
+we abhor, that we abominate," (HARTUPP _seems to be screwing all these
+verbs out of himself, and throwing them defiantly at_ DUFF,) "the
+grovelling tendency of our animal nature to ignore the joys of the soul
+and the pleasures of the intellect, and place its highest enjoyment in
+the ignoble pursuit of creature comforts!"
+
+[_Here_ HARTUPP _sits down amidst applause, and applies himself
+diligently to his whiskey-and-water_.
+
+At a later period in the evening, just as the debate was beginning to
+languish, NAYLOR started to his feet with a long strip of paper which,
+being shortsighted, he held close to his nose. NAYLOR invariably takes
+elaborate notes, with the intention of pointing out and refuting the
+errors of all previous speakers. Unfortunately, as he cannot always read
+the notes, and seldom remembers the objections he meant to urge, his
+criticisms are not as effective as could be desired. On this occasion,
+NAYLOR said:--"I'm not going to make a speech, Sir, I only want to point
+out one or two things which struck me as requiring to be met. I'll take
+them in their order." (_Here he fumbles with his strip of paper, which
+will get upside down when he wished to refer to it_). "Oh, here it is!
+There was a Gargoyle who said--I believe it was the Proposer of this
+motion--_didn't_ you?" (_To_ DUFF, _who shakes his head in solemn
+disclaimer_). "Well, it was somebody, anyway, but he told us that----."
+(_Here_ NAYLOR _again refers to his notes_). "I'm afraid I can't exactly
+make out what he did say--but I don't agree with him. Then there was
+another speaker who said, (I took it down at the time) that he'd rather
+have a good traction-engine than the finest poem ever written! Well, my
+reply to _that_ is----" (_here_ NAYLOR _has another wrestle with his
+notes and comes up triumphant_) "that's _his_ opinion. I wouldn't. Next,
+someone asked, 'What practical use was SHAKSPEARE to any man?'" (_A
+pause._) "I've got an answer to that on my notes, somewhere, only I
+can't find it. But, anyhow," (_cheerfully_) "I know it was rather
+sticking up for SHAKSPEARE, to a certain extent. Then, didn't someone
+else say, 'Music elevated the mind?'" (_A Member acknowledges the
+responsibility of this bold sentiment._) "Well, I don't say it
+doesn't--only, _how_? you know, that's the point!" (_A long pause,
+during which_ NAYLOR _and his notes appears to be getting inextricably
+involved_). "There was a lot of other things I meant to say, but I'm
+afraid I don't quite remember them at this moment."
+
+With this, NAYLOR sat down suddenly, apparently very little depressed by
+the total absence of applause--he knew that a fearless critic is never
+popular.
+
+After that we had a little speech from dear old KIRKSTONE, who rose to
+tell us an anecdote, which the subject had suggested to him. Appropriate
+anecdotes are always occurring to KIRKSTONE, and he applies them in the
+neatest and happiest manner, being gifted with the keenest sense of
+humour of any one in our Society. In fact, the very keenness of
+KIRKSTONE'S appreciation operates almost as a disadvantage, as will be
+seen from the following extract, taken on the spot.
+
+_Kirkstone (rising, and playing with his watch-chain)._ "Sir, whilst
+listening to the speeches of Honourable Members this evening, I could
+not help being reminded of a story I heard the other day." (_Here a
+slight spasm passes over his ample cheeks, and we all settle down in
+delighted anticipation_). "There was an old farmer--one of the regular
+old-fashioned sort." (_Faint preliminary chuckle down in_ KIRKSTONE'S
+_throat_.) "Well, he had a daughter, who--_tchick!_--played on
+the--_tehee!_--the piano, and one day he was induced to go in for
+a"--(_convulsion, followed by sounds like the extraction of a very
+refractory cork_)--"for a Steam-plough! Soon afterwards he happened to
+meet a friend--another farmer, or the parson, I forget which, and it
+don't signify. Well, and the friend asked 'how he got on with his
+Steam-plough.' And the old farmer says--_hork-hork!_--he says, 'Don't
+talk to me 'bout no Steam-plough--_ki-hee-hee!_--when there's my darter
+at home, and she--_crick, crick, criggle!_' (KIRKSTONE _proceeds
+gallantly, but is unintelligible until the close_)--'with her darned
+pianner--_haw-haw-haw!_' Well, the House can apply the moral of that
+themselves--I thought it was rather to the point myself. That's all I
+got up to say."
+
+I am afraid KIRKSTONE thinks we are all of us rather dull.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DRAMATIC ORATORIO.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Mr. FREDERIC H. COWEN'S dramatic Oratorio, _Ruth_, was produced last
+Thursday at St. James's Hall, and the verdict on the entire work from
+"bar one" to bar last was emphatically favourable. The Composer has
+nothing to regret on this score. The workmanship throughout is
+thoroughly good, and in some instances admirable, though the First Part
+is not distinguished by any very striking originality.
+
+In the Second Part, which begins appropriately with Harvest or "Half-est
+time," Mr. BOAZ LLOYD gave a very trying _scena_ magnificently. But why
+does he pronounce "excellent" as "ex_cee_lent?" Perhaps he has
+ascertained on undeniable authority that this is the way _Boaz_ would
+have pronounced it. _A propos_ of this eminent tenor, on one occasion,
+not this, there was very nearly being a duel about his identity. An
+Irish gentleman, turning to his friend, informed him, "That's SIMS
+REEVES," whereupon his better informed companion returned, "He! LLOYD!"
+which, but for a toimely explanation, begorra, would have led
+to a challenge!
+
+To resume. The "Dance of Reapers and Gleaners" must have sounded rather
+out of place in Worcester Cathedral, where _Ruth_ was first produced. In
+the Chorus of the Reapers and Gleaners, who were not in the least out of
+breath with their dance--but perhaps these had only been delighted
+spectators--full justice was done to the finest number in the
+Oratorio--at least, so it appeared to the humble individual who had the
+honour of representing you on this occasion. Then in the duet,
+
+ LLOYD and ALBANI
+   As _Boaz_ and _Ruth_,
+ Were perfect, no blarney,
+   I'm telling the truth.
+
+The applause was enthusiastic: indeed, not only in this instance, but
+throughout the performance, these two sang magnificently. _Boaz_ must
+have been a very kind man; at all events, as _Boaz_ and _Ruth_ are
+invariably heard of together, it is clear that he could never be accused
+of being Ruthless.
+
+Now, just one question: the Book of Words with musical phrases, is sold
+in the room, and on the title-page we read that "the words are
+selected,"--most judiciously too--by Mr. JOSEPH BENNETT, and "the Book
+of Words" is fitted "with analytical notes by JOSEPH BENNETT,"--though
+we should have thought that Mr. COWEN'S notes were sufficient by
+themselves. Then we find the analytical Noter saying at the end of Part
+I., "_The assertion may safely be made, that no poetical situation in
+dramatic Oratorio, has been treated more successfully than the
+foregoing._" Now, suppose this were a book of a new Opera, would it be
+right and proper for the librettist who had adapted the subject from
+SHAKSPEARE, for example, to give his opinion on the work of his
+_collaborateur_? Wouldn't this be taking an unfair advantage of his
+position? It doesn't matter in this case, as I perfectly agree with him,
+but it is the principle, whatever it may be, for which I contend, and
+sign myself,
+
+ Your Musical Representative,      PETER PIPER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+UNCLE REMUS ON C. S. P-RN-LL.--"Brer Fox he lay low."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SHOWS VIEWS.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Amongst entertainments of a pleasing character the performances of "Mr.
+and Mrs. GERMAN REED" hold their own gallantly. At the present moment a
+little play called _Tally Ho_ is occupying the boards, much to the
+delight of those serious pleasure-seekers who consider a box at a
+theatre wicked, but find no particular harm in the stalls of St.
+George's Hall. Mr. ALFRED REED and Miss FANNY HOLLAND are as amusing as
+ever, and the music is all that could be desired. The dialogue of the
+piece, or entertainment, or whatever it is, is not too new. I fancy the
+author must have seen _London Assurance_, and listened to _Lady Gay
+Spanker's_ description of the fox chase. And having seen the piece and
+heard the speech, possibly read the burlesque thereon by the late
+GILBERT ABBOTT A BECKETT, in the _Scenes from Rejected Comedies_,
+published as long ago as the forties. "How time flies!" as a lady behind
+me observed, after expressing her opinion that Mr. CORNEY GRAIN was
+better than his pupil--JOHN PARRY! "I remember him as far back as a
+quarter of a century," continued the fair dame, "and didn't you hear him
+say he was over fifty years old when he sang that song calling himself
+an old fogey?" Mr. GRAIN fails to do himself justice when he assumes an
+elderly air inconsistent with the number of his summers. Such an
+assumption can but cause pain--to his contemporaries!
+
+On Thursday last _The Woman Hater_ was produced for the first time in
+London at Mr. TERRY'S Theatre (on the grounds that familiarity breeds
+contempt, I prefer to allow the actor to retain his titular prefix),
+with more or less success. On the whole I condole with our country
+cousins if they have been allowed to see this strange play very
+frequently. Personally I would not care to form a part of any audience
+at Mr. TERRY'S Theatre during its run, which I am bound to add I am
+afraid will not be a long one. The construction of the three-act farce
+(as it is called) is feeble in the extreme, and suggests that the
+author, from a literary point of view, has a great deal to learn. I do
+not think (unless his future pieces are very unlike _The Woman Hater_)
+that he will have much chance of gaining a permanent position in the
+Temple of Fame. This is merely a matter of opinion, but, speaking for
+myself, had I a theatre (which I should call of course Mr. Thingembob's
+Theatre, or the Theatre Royal Dash Blank, Esq.), I believe I should
+somehow or other instinctively avoid the works of Mr. DAVID LLOYD for
+some time to come. That is to say if he confined his pen to farce and
+comedy. It is quite possible he may be much more at home in tragedy. As
+a fact, there is a sort of gloomy glamour about _The Woman Hater_ that
+suggests the reflection that, after all, the play might have been more
+exciting if a murder had been skilfully introduced into Act I., and it
+had been written throughout in blank verse. I think the lover, _Tom
+Ripley_, might thus have been murdered with or without (for preference,
+with) his sweetheart. Early in Act II. the character very nicely played
+by Mr. KEMBLE might have committed suicide, with one or two others; for
+choice, others. Act III. might have been allowed (after the necessary
+alterations had been made to fit it to the requirements of the novel
+development of the original plot) to stand as it is. In its present form
+the incidents connected with the spiriting away (after a desperate and
+revolting fight with the keepers) of the hero to a Lunatic Asylum, are,
+to say the least, unpleasant. Mr. BISHOP, as the psychological
+specialist (the resident medical superintendent of the licensed house),
+was excellent. It is a question, however, whether those well-intentioned
+representatives of the LORD CHANCELLOR, the Commissioners in Lunacy,
+would have been entirely satisfied with his action in connection with
+the incarceration of one sane patient in the place of another patient
+equally free from mental disease. But that is a matter affecting the
+author rather than the player. Miss M. A. VICTOR, as a widow lady of
+great wealth and superior position, was, of course, quite in her
+element, and gave an admirable sketch of a British matron from Belgravia
+or Mayfair. Mr. TERRY, too, deserves a word of praise for his own droll
+performances, which caused more than once, on the first night, a burst
+of hearty laughter. Pleasantry apart, in spite of the acting, good all
+round, I fear _The Woman Hater_ will soon have to return to the
+provinces, to make room for something just a little better suited to the
+London requirements of Mr. TERRY and the audiences of Mr. TERRY'S
+Theatre.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW BOOK.--_The Green Ways of England._ By a Warwickshire Man.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SO VERY LIKELY.
+
+_Small Rustic (to Brown, whose Champion North-Caspian Bear-hound has
+just gobbled up one of Farmer Rackstraw's Prize Rabbits, which had got
+out of the hutch)._ "IF YER'LL GI' ME TUPPENCE, ZUR, I'LL SWEAR _IT WOS
+THE RABBIT AS BEGUN IT_!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE WRONG SCENT.
+
+_Master of Hounds, loquitur_:--
+
+ "_Slow in pursuit, but matched in mouths like bells.
+ Each under each._" So SHAKSPEARE'S _Theseus_ tells
+   The merits of his tuneful Spartan pack.
+ Would I could echo it concerning mine!
+ Tut, tut! They're off again on their own line.
+   Come back, ye fools, come back!
+
+ I envy _Theseus_! Just the sort of hounds
+ For a true Tory huntsman; kept in bounds
+   By discipline none ventures to defy.
+ With such a pack I should be well content;
+ But some of mine are keen on a false scent,
+   And off on a wild cry.
+
+ Oh, these young dogs! They think disorder's dash;
+ Heedless of horn, rebellious to the lash;
+   Just now, too, when our quarry is so clear!
+ Oh, hang the howling, yelping, whimpering lot!
+ On a fine herring-trail the fools have got.
+   They'll spoil the chase, I fear.
+
+ Come back! Come back! What, "VINCENT," "BARTLETT," ho!
+ This sort of thing won't pay at all, you know.
+   We are not, now, after _that_ sort of game.
+ Ah, sweet _Sir Roger_, our _Spectator's_ friend.
+ What would you say to this? Come, let it end.
+   For shame, ye curs, for shame!
+
+ ADDISON'S "good old Knight" was happier far.
+ In his well-ordered pack the casual jar
+   Of a raw dog or "noted Liar" met
+ No recognition; no, "he might have yelped
+ His heart out," but the row had nothing helped
+   The hounds astray to set.
+
+ Here be "notorious Liars" in full force
+ (The epithet is technical, of course).
+   "TORRINGTON," back! Back, "STANLEY"! "ECROYD," back!
+ Heed "the old hounds of reputation" here.
+ This shindy must be stopped, or 'twill, I fear,
+   Demoralise the pack!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OLDEST SKETCHING CLUB IN THE WORLD.
+
+At the house of NAT LANGHAM young men were taught how to use their hands
+skilfully years agone; at the home of _the_ LANGHAM their hands are
+trained with equal care and discretion, with a different end in view. At
+the former they were excited, at the latter they are soothed. The
+spirits of the last are finer, if less ardent, than those of the first.
+Friday cannot be unlucky, for all their sketches are produced on that
+proverbially unfortunate day. A subject is given, and in two hours, over
+pipes and coffee, it is completed. Marvellous these rapid acts of
+sketchmanship! The Impressionists nowhere! The result? Well, go to the
+Gallery, 23, Baker Street. Look at the collection of pictures--on the
+two hours' system--by Messrs. STACEY MARKS, CALDERON, FRED WALKER,
+HODGSON, CATTERMOLE, B. W. LEADER, CHARLES KEENE, E. HAYES, H. MOORE,
+VICAT COLE, FRANK DICKSEE, E. DUNCAN, C. J. LEWIS, F. WEEKES, CARL HAAG,
+and other clever gentlemen, and see if _Mr. Punch_ is not right in his
+commendation. The Langham Sketching Club has existed over half a
+century, and this is its first public exhibition. Ah! well, it is never
+too late to mend.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Winter's Tale at the Lyceum.
+
+ There's a charm in her innocent glances,
+ A charm in her step when she dances,
+           For _Perdita_, "nary
+           A one," like our MARY,
+ The sweetest of Sweet Willum's fancies.
+
+ To those who may not have heard it, a
+ Chance most distinct will be _Perdita_.
+           So, see now, we say,
+           MARY ANDERSON play,
+ You'll regret, when too late you've deferred it, Ah!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Latest and Best from Berlin.
+
+The Crown Prince was reported last week to be decidedly better. May it
+be so, and so go on. "His Imperial Highness," wrote the Correspondent of
+the _Standard_, "continues to express the fullest confidence in Sir
+MORELL MACKENZIE." And _Mr. Punch_, in the name of all Englishmen who
+are uninfluenced by any feeling akin to professional jealousy, "says
+ditto," to the Crown Prince. _Prosit!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mrs. R. is astonished that the English do not name streets and places
+after the names of their great Poets and their works. She says she only
+remembers two exceptions; one was a _Hamlet_ in the Country, and the
+other was _Wandsworth_; the latter being so called after the Poet who
+wrote _The Excursion_,--probably, she thinks, a cheap excursion to this
+very spot, which is within a cab-fare of town.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Third Edition of Mr. FRITH'S Recollections is now out. We hear it is
+dedicated to Archdeacon SUMNER, and that the motto selected is the
+nautical quotation, "Port it is!"
+
+[Illustration: ON THE WRONG SCENT.
+
+LORD SALISBURY, M.F.H. "CONFOUND THOSE YOUNG HOUNDS!--THEY'RE TAKING A
+LINE OF THEIR OWN!!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PIG-HEADED ATTACK ON THE IMMORTAL BARD.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A DISPUTED WILL.
+
+DEAR SIR,--Mr. DONNELLY'S cryptogram, showing BACON to be the author of
+all SHAKSPEARE'S plays, is a wonderful discovery. The principle only
+needs to be applied with sufficient ingenuity and perseverance, to
+revolutionise the whole field of literary history. I myself have only
+had time to apply it in a few instances, but have already got the really
+valuable result that NEGRETTI and ZAMBRA wrote most of the works of
+MILTON. DAY and MARTIN LUTHER wrote _Sandford and Merton_, and Sir
+WALTER SCOTT wrote the ballad with the refrain "_Two Lovely Black
+Eyes_." CHARLES THACKERAY'S works were entirely written by WILLIAM
+MAKEPEACE DICKENS. Hence the cryptogrammatic name. I am working as hard
+at the theory as the somewhat unelastic rules of this establishment will
+permit, and this morning I caught a cryptogram crawling up the
+window-pane. Aha! excuse my glove, I must dissemble,
+
+ _Colney-Hatchwell_.      Yours,      THE "B" IN BOTH.
+
+SIR,--You are performing a truly noble and philanthropic work in
+throwing open your columns to a subject which must inevitably seem
+"_caviare_ to the general" (BACON). To myself, personally, the raising
+of the controversy at the present time is annoying, because I happen to
+have hit independently on exactly the same idea as Mr. DONNELLY'S; viz.,
+that there is an underground narrative running through SHAKSPEARE.
+DARWIN and WALLACE, you may remember, discovered the origin of species
+simultaneously, so why not I and DONNELLY the origin of SHAKSPEARE? But
+my cryptogram leads to an entirely different result from Mr. DONNELLY'S,
+who has, I am certain, being led off on a false scent. Instead of
+multiplying every 270th word, as he does, by the number of full-stops in
+the page, and then dividing the result by the number of years during
+which ANNE HATHAWAY is supposed to have resided at Stratford-on-Avon, he
+should first have discovered the total quantity of words in all
+SHAKSPEARE'S plays and sonnets, and after that the quantity in the
+_Novum Organon_; then reducing the probable salary which BACON received
+as Lord Chancellor, _each year_, down to farthings, he should have
+divided (_not_ multiplied) them all into each other, and brought them to
+decimals, and then applied _that_ result to the plays. The process is a
+little complicated, but I can't make it clearer at present. Anyhow, the
+entrancing interest of the story so obtained can be judged from the
+headings of the chapters.
+
+"Lord BACON arrives at Stratford disguised as a bargee. His midnight
+visit to SHAKSPEARE'S house. The poaching plot hatched. In the
+churchyard. The Ghost among the tombs. The Ghost discovered to be Queen
+ELIZABETH, who had followed BACON to Stratford disguised as a Tilbury
+fish-wife. The Queen buried alive in Stratford churchyard by BACON and
+SHAKSPEARE. The good Vicar bribed. Their scheme to dress up ANNE
+HATHAWAY as Queen. Its success. ANNE HATHAWAY reigns twenty years,
+everybody taking her for ELIZABETH. SHAKSPEARE (stricken with remorse)
+appears suddenly at the bedside of BACON. Threatens to disclose all.
+BACON murders SHAKSPEARE. Takes all SHAKSPEARE'S Plays (hitherto
+unacted, having been rejected by the Managers of the period as 'wholly
+devoid of dramatic power') out of his pocket, and produces them next day
+as his own. Success of this plot also. How BACON repents at last.
+Invents the Cryptogram. Inserts it in the Plays on his deathbed."
+
+You will see from this abstract that there are elements of far greater
+interest in my theory than in Mr. DONNELLY'S, and my publishers
+sincerely trust that you will insert this letter, as a gratuitous
+advertisement may help the sale of my forthcoming work, entitled, _Who
+Killed Shakspeare and Queen Elizabeth?_
+
+ Your obedient servant,      ARTFUL PLODDER.
+
+SIR,--Surely it is impossible to doubt any longer that BACON wrote
+_Hamlet_. Why, in that play you find him actually confessing his
+cowardice in not claiming the authorship of his own plays! What else
+_can_ these words mean?
+
+    "What should such fellows as I do crawling between earth and heaven?
+    We are _arrant knaves all_."
+
+Then occurs this truly remarkable sentence:--
+
+    "God hath given you one face, and you make yourselves another."
+
+Given _whom_? Why, BACON himself! Did he not make his face into
+another's, namely, SHAKSPEARE'S? The case is as clear as noonday. Let
+the insular cavillers at DONNELLY, just because he is an American, hide
+their diminished heads.
+
+ ANTI-HUMBUG.
+
+DEAR SIR,--Would one of your readers kindly inform me how Friar BACON
+could have written SHAKSPEARE? I see by _Little Arthur's History of
+England_ that the former lived three hundred years before SHAKSPEARE was
+born. This seems to be a conclusive proof that Mr. DONNELLY is wrong;
+but though I am very fond of history, I do not profess to be a great
+historical critic.
+
+ TILLY SLOWBOY.
+
+SIR,--In looking over _Macbeth_, I have found a really remarkable
+confirmation of Mr. DONNELLY'S cryptographic story. The story relates
+how, when CECIL told Queen ELIZABETH that SHAKSPEARE'S plays were
+treasonable, she "rises up, beats HAYWARD with her crutch, and nearly
+kills him." In Act III., Scene 4, of _Macbeth_, occurs this line,--
+
+ "It will have blood; they say, blood will have blood"--
+
+_i.e._, Queen ELIZABETH, being a person of good blood, or high lineage,
+_will_ have blood, _i.e._, from the head of the person she beats with
+the crutch.
+
+A few lines further on is a striking confirmation of this.
+
+_Macbeth_ says,--
+
+ "How say'st thou, that MACDUFF denies his person
+ At our great bidding?"
+
+_Macduff_ here is cryptographic for SHAKSPEARE. When summoned by the
+Queen to answer CECIL'S charge, SHAKSPEARE _did_ deny his person at her
+bidding. Mr. DONNELLY'S is a great discovery. The world _does_ advance,
+in spite of Lord SALISBURY. Yours, RADICAL.
+
+DEAR SIR,--How long will the British public allow an impudent Yankee to
+lead it astray? Mr. DONNELLY has evidently never read my historical
+novel, _A Tale of the Invincible Armada_, which somehow failed to meet
+with the enthusiasm it deserved, or he would know that CECIL valued
+SHAKSPEARE most highly. In my book he never addresses the Bard without
+saying, "Marry, Gossip," or "I' faith, good coz." I am sure your readers
+will be glad of this information; also to hear that I am bringing out a
+cheap popular edition of the same book, price only three-and-sixpence.
+Order at once, Yours, M. AINCHANCE.
+
+SIR,--Perhaps, after all, the best solution of the SHAKSPEARE-BACON
+puzzle is one analogous to that suggested by a learned Don in the HOMER
+controversy--viz., that the person who wrote the plays was not
+SHAKSPEARE, but another man of the same name.
+
+ Yours,      COMMONSENSICUS ACADEMICUS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LORD SALISBURY'S SHAKSPEARE.
+
+ "'The policy of worry' shan't be strained;
+ They'll drop it in my gentle reign next Session."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AN OPPORTUNIST."
+
+_He._ "OH, EMIL----MISS CRUMPCHER--CAN--HAVE YOU EVER LOVED?"
+
+_She._ "N--NOT THIS SEASON!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A WOULD-BE "LITERARY GENT."--The following is from the _Daily
+Telegraph_:--
+
+    LITERARY.--A gentleman who erst wrote for recreation, is driven,
+    through cruel misfortune, to resume his pen for a livelihood.
+    Fugitive lines, reviews of English, French, and Italian literature,
+    topics of the day.
+
+What a condescension! How good of him! He "first wrote for
+recreation"--whose?--his own probably, and that of his friends who were
+as easily amused as were those of Mr. PETER MAGNUS,--who signed himself
+P.M., or afternoon, for the entertainment of his correspondents,--and
+now he is "driven through cruel misfortune to resume his pen." Very
+cruel! Perhaps already his friends are beginning to suffer from this
+spiteful freak of Fortune. But as he can knock off with ease a variety
+of literary work, he is rather to be envied than pitied; and already he
+may be on the high road to literary fame which he will despise, and
+solid wealth which he will appreciate.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW SIXPENCE.--On the face is to be the QUEEN'S effigy with
+inscription, and on the reverse its value inscribed, surrounded by an
+olive-branch and an oak-branch. More appropriate for the face would have
+been the QUEEN'S effigy surrounded by olive-branches.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+M. PASTEUR is the man for the successful treatment of hydrophobia. Does
+the Australasian Government appeal to him for assistance because it
+finds itself in a rabbit state?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+O'BRIEN'S BREECHES.
+
+(_Humbly imitated from Henry Luttrel's "Burnham Beeches."_)
+
+ A Bard, dear Muse, who pluck would sing,
+   Your friendly aid beseeches.
+ Help me to touch the lyric string
+   On--brave O'BRIEN'S breeches!
+
+ What though the splendour of my lines
+   To SWINBURNE'S height ne'er reaches?
+ The theme, if not the thrummer, shines;
+   That theme's--O'BRIEN'S breeches!
+
+ They wouldn't let O'BRIEN talk,
+   Or make "seditious" speeches.
+ They quodded him, his plans to baulk,
+   And--tried to bag his breeches!
+
+ But brave O'BRIEN'S blood did burn
+   (Say, who his pluck impeaches?)
+ He up and swore in accents stern,
+   "I _won't_--wear convict breeches!"
+
+ Those gaolers deep about him hung,
+   They stuck to him like leeches.
+ But he, the eloquent of tongue,
+   Stuck to--O'BRIEN'S breeches!
+
+ If "sermons be in stones," I'll bet
+   A prison patience teaches.
+ The prisoner to bed must get;
+   They watched--and boned his breeches!
+
+ The captive of the cold complains,
+   His breechless bones it reaches.
+ But yield? No, rather he remains
+   In bed--without his breeches!
+
+ In vain the prison-clothes they show;
+   Badge of dishonour each is.
+ Patriots prefer to lie below
+   Bed-clothes--without their breeches!
+
+ But friends unto the dungeon hie,
+   No gaoler marks (or peaches),
+ They hand O'BRIEN, on the sly,
+   _Another_ pair of breeches!
+
+ Black BALFOUR'S myrmidons are fooled!
+   A lesson high this teaches:
+ A plucky people is not ruled
+   By--stealing patriot's breeches!
+
+ BRIAN BORU they sang of yore,
+   But when her goal she reaches,
+ Erin will sing, from shore to shore,
+   O'BRIEN--and his breeches!
+
+ Her bards will praise the patriot true,
+   His long and fiery speeches,
+ His bearding BALFOUR'S brutal crew;
+   But, above all,--his breeches!
+
+ Oh, ne'er may the potheen pass round
+   But--Erin so beseeches--
+ The Isle may with one theme resound,--
+   O'BRIEN--and his breeches!
+
+ Hold! Though I'd fain be jingling on,
+   One rhyme, experience teaches,
+ You can't ring on for aye! I've done.
+   Farewell, O'BRIEN'S breeches!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Shakspearian Question.
+
+_An Actor's opinion on the Bacon v. Shakspeare controversy, expressed in
+a strictly professional cryptogrammatic style._
+
+"SHAKSPEARE written by a chap called BACON, my boy? Very likely; I
+always found 'lots of fat' in it."
+
+_Another (at Brighton, by an Ancient Mariner who sticks to the "Old
+Ship")._
+
+"BACON wrote SHAKSPEARE? Well, perhaps he did. He was a clever chap, was
+dear old ARTHUR BACON; but still, somehow, I don't think he wrote
+SHAKSPEARE. At least not all of it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 54.
+
+THE PARLIAMENTARY CATTLE-SHOW.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THEATRICAL PICTURE-POSTERS.
+
+SIR,--I used to be a very regular attendant at the Theatres. I am not so
+now, and I find that by staying away, I have time at my disposal, which
+I never had before, for reading, study, and social intercourse. I save
+my money and preserve my health. And for this I have most sincerely to
+thank the Managers of our London Theatres, who, within the last few
+years, have adopted a style of pictorial advertisement, which, though
+possibly attractive to simple-minded folk, or restless youth, exercises
+a singularly deterrent effect on the middle-aged playgoer, and on all
+imaginative and timid persons, especially of the feminine gender.
+
+For example, speaking as a mediaevalist, or one of the middle-ages, if I
+see a huge coloured picture on a hoarding representing several
+sensational situations which form a frame for the culminating horror of
+the play in the centre, as an old stager I know that play from beginning
+to end, and take in the whole plot at a glance. I can imagine the
+dialogue without doing much injury to the author, and, as I have seen
+the principal actors and actresses, I can, in my own mind, furnish the
+piece with a cast probably far superior to that at the particular
+theatre where the melodrama, thus pictorially advertised, is being
+performed. The scenery and costumes I have before me on the hoarding.
+This applies to several theatres. As to timid ladies they shrink from
+seeing the realisation of the terrible situations depicted on the
+picture-poster. They have seen quite enough: they will wait until
+something less startling shall be substituted for this display of crime,
+cruelty, and violence.
+
+It is really very kind of the Managers to provide for outsiders in this
+way, but the outsiders remain outsiders, and have no desire to enter
+these chambers of Dramatic Horrors. As a supporter of shows and
+exhibitions, with considerable experience, I know well enough that the
+representation outside the booth is very much superior to the reality
+within; for example, the outside picture of a Fat Woman exaggerates the
+corpulence of the Lady on view inside the caravan; the Mermaid is most
+attractive in the picture, probably floating about playing a harp, while
+the reality is a dummy figure composed of a monkey's and cat's skin sewn
+together and stuffed. I hope the Managers will develop their pictorial
+advertisements still further; I speak selfishly, as if everyone takes my
+view, where will the audiences be?
+
+The only advertisements that ever attract me, and cause me to say, "Ah!
+I should like to see _that_!" are those which, on closer inspection,
+I find to be only the artistic trade-marks of some new soap,
+beetle-powder, peculiar whiskey, sewing machines, or soothing syrup.
+Pray, Sir, do all you can to encourage Theatrical Art in Mural
+Decorations, and save the time and money of,
+
+ Yours,       PATER FAMILIAS.
+
+P.S.--I shall take my boys in holiday time the round of the hoardings,
+and tell them all about the plays. Cheap entertainment, eh?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. BLUNDELL MAPLE, M. P. elect for Dulwich--not by any means a dullidge
+sort of constituency in the opinion of the Conservative Candidate's
+Agent--is to be congratulated on attaining his majority. When he has
+prepared his maiden speech for the House, he may hum to himself:--
+
+    "Now I'm furnished, Now I'm furnished for my flight!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FUTURE POSITION OF THE ARMY.
+
+_A Sketch founded on the Suggestions of "The Greatest Briton."_
+
+PART I.--_Before the G. B. took the matter in hand._
+
+"I am heartily glad you have come," said the Commander-in-Chief
+(patented), throwing down the _Fortnightly_, "because this article upon
+the present condition of the Army, by the Author of _Greater Britain_,
+has put me out completely."
+
+[Illustration: "En Retraite."]
+
+"I glanced at it, but could not get through it," replied _the_ Field
+Marshal. "What does he say?"
+
+"Well, so far as I can make out, that in the time of war all the Militia
+will be drafted into the Army, and all the Coast Guards into the Navy,
+and both will disappear together with the Army and the Navy in the first
+battle."
+
+"Anything else?"
+
+"Well," continued GEORGE RANGER, re-opening the Magazine, "he seems to
+think that we have got enough men, if we can't get more, but that we
+must defend India with the aid of compulsory service, although, for
+various 'religious and commercial reasons, almost peculiar to England,
+the non-adoption of Conscription is certain."
+
+"From this I take it the article is slightly mixed?"
+
+"It is--and I am bothered entirely!" replied the poor Duke, who had a
+habit, when worried, of returning to the brogue he used as Prince GEORGE
+in Ireland, in his youth. "What will I do? Look there now, we have cut
+down everything to starvation proportions, to please Lord GRANDOLPH, to
+say nothing of upsetting the entire machinery of the War Office, to save
+the salary of the Surveyor-General of the Ordnance. Sure, what more will
+I do?"
+
+"Read this," replied _the_ Field Marshal, giving to H. R. H. a packet.
+"If War is declared, open it, and act upon the orders contained in it."
+
+And, with this, _Punch_, the greatest modern strategist, bowed, and
+retired.
+
+PART II.--_After the G. B. took the matter in hand._
+
+Two months later Europe, shaken by the mightiest conflict of this
+century, was beginning to regain her composure. It would be unwise (for
+it might offend foreign susceptibilities) to give the names of the
+victories that had added fresh lustre to the British arms. Suffice it to
+say that not a single reverse had been recorded. Once more _the_ Field
+Marshal entered the room of the Commander-in-Chief (patented).
+
+"Well, GEORGE, how goes it?" asked the foremost soldier of the age. The
+Commander-in-Chief (patented) fell upon his knees and kissed the spurs
+of his master's boots.
+
+"Nay, this show of gratitude is pleasing, but embarrassing. Remember,
+GEORGE, you are of Royal Blood," and _the_ Field-Marshal gently and
+kindly assisted the Patented One to rise.
+
+"I cannot help it," returned GEORGE, with a burst of almost painful
+emotion. "You have done so much for us."
+
+"Not at all," observed _Punch_ with a smile, "that packet certainly
+contained a few suggestions of some value."
+
+"Why, they saved the country! How should we have horsed the Cavalry and
+Artillery, if we had not entered on peace contracts with the Directors
+of Pickford's, the London General Omnibus Company, the Road Cars, the
+Tramways, and the Herne Bay Bathing Machine Owners. The last were not
+easily persuaded to act with us, as somehow the requisition of their
+quadrupeds seemed to interfere with the success of the Thanet Harriers."
+
+"But they gave in at last?"
+
+"Certainly, patriotism was the rule without exception. Then the
+compulsory service of their _employes_ in the Volunteers, insisted upon
+by all the West End Tradesmen and employers of labour throughout the
+land, had the best effects. Why some of the finest troops in the world
+came from SCHOOLBRED'S, WHITELEY'S, the Army and Navy Stores, and SMITH
+AND SONS."
+
+"And the Inns of Court, the Universities, and the Medical Colleges also
+insisted upon continued efficient service in the Volunteer ranks to
+secure the advantage of audience in the Courts and Registration as
+Doctors, didn't they?"
+
+"Certainly! Oh, it was grand! Then we got as much Cavalry as we required
+from the farmers, and the Yeomanry, and purchased the entire stock of
+guns from the Continent.--Just as you told me to do."
+
+"Quite right," said _Punch_, "after all, guns and ammunition are only a
+question of figures. I suppose the British Army in India was recalled
+home and distributed amongst the Colonies, as I suggested, and the
+Native Troops that were not quite trustworthy treated in the same
+manner?"
+
+"Assuredly, yes, and they have given an admirable account of themselves
+in Australia and Canada." Then GEORGE hesitated. "But you would not tell
+me how you supplied their places in India. You merely asked for
+transport for your Army of Reserves."
+
+"Quite so," said _Punch_, with a smile. "But, now that peace is decided
+upon, and all but declared, I need keep silence no longer. The fact is,
+I fought the Russians with an Army of Germans and Italians, under the
+command of my friend Sir FREDERICK ROBERTS."
+
+"Germans and Italians! Where _did_ you get them from?"
+
+"From places where they were ruining our working-poor and doing
+themselves no permanent good. I shipped them from Hatton Garden and
+Whitechapel. My country saved, the welfare of the world in general
+demands my restored attention. It shall have it."
+
+And full of this truly benevolent intention, _Mr. Punch_ returned to
+Fleet Street.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+From _The Personal Remembrances_ of Sir FREDERICK POLLOCK (MACMILLAN &
+CO.) I had, I confess, expected a great deal more than I found in the
+two volumes. And I hold that I had a right to expect something more than
+usually interesting from the Remembrances of the Queen's Remembrancer.
+What Sir FREDERICK remembers as Remembrancer to the QUEEN is
+very little, though quite sufficient for the office; but his own
+recollections as his own Remembrancer are very pleasant reading, being
+full of information given in an, unpretentious conversational style,
+about Cambridge University life, the Bench and the Bar, and Literary
+Society generally. There is a good deal of eating and drinking
+recorded--not too much, perhaps, for the necessities of social life; and
+the "C. C. S.," or Cambridge Conversazione Society seems to have been
+very regular in its intellectual gatherings at various places where good
+food is provided. This Club, limited to twelve members, was called
+somewhat profanely "The Twelve Apostles," though of what they were
+Apostles I cannot make out. They have evidently an Apostolic Succession,
+as the Club is still in existence, I believe. Altogether, among this
+sudden glut in the market of literary confidences in the shape of ducal,
+journalistic, artistic, and egotistic recollections, this may be taken
+up as a chatty and readable book.
+
+[Illustration: Odd Volumes.]
+
+_Woman's World_ for December, edited by our OSCAR WILDE, is full of
+woman's wit, and some of the illustrations, especially in the department
+of The Fashions, are charming. What a change from the old style of
+painted doll inanities, dressed up in a style never seen in real life!
+The picture of the three pretty women preparing for a ball is a candle
+to attract male moths--"male moths" being obviously the opposite to
+"ma'am--moths," as that undefeated punster SAMUEL JOHNSON would have
+said under certain circumstances. Mrs. CAMPBELL PRAED'S account of Royat
+is very amusing; but, though I have been several times up to La
+Charrade, yet never have I had the good fortune to come across Madame
+GRENON, who, if her portrait, as given in this number, is a genuine
+likeness, ought to be one of the attractions of the environs of Royat.
+Good, honest, kindly faces I saw at Charrade, but why this uncommonly
+pretty one hid herself, as she must have done whenever she saw this
+distinguished water-drinker coming to Charrade is a charade to me. The
+general remarks on the Stage by the lamented Authoress of _John
+Halifax_, whose recent loss we all deplore, are very interesting, as
+recording the impressions of a good, pure-minded woman, whose
+acquaintance with the _vie intime_ of the Theatre was limited. The
+portraits of Miss ANDERSON are not particularly flattering--rather
+shady, which is the one thing that no one shall ever unchallenged say of
+our sweet and gentle _Perdita_ in the hearing of your rather deaf
+
+ POLIXENES, BARON DE BOOK WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: hand symbol]NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or
+Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any
+description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a
+Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there
+will be no exception.
+
+
+
+
+[Transcriber's Note:
+
+Alternative spellings retained, punctuation normalized.
+
+Italics denoted by underscore (_).
+
+P. 268: "impenetrable veil that has long shrouded the proceeedings of
+the Gargoyle Club" changed to read "impenetrable veil that has long
+shrouded the proceedings of the Gargoyle Club".]
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch or the London Charivari, Vol.
+93, December 10, 1887, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, LONDON CHARIVARI, DEC 10, 1887 ***
+
+***** This file should be named 39437.txt or 39437.zip *****
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
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