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diff --git a/39770.txt b/39770.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..016eacf --- /dev/null +++ b/39770.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3182 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 107, +July 21st 1894, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 107, July 21st 1894 + +Author: Various + +Release Date: May 23, 2012 [EBook #39770] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +VOL. 107. +JUNE 21, 1894. + + * * * * * + + A RIVERSIDE LAMENT. + + In my garden, where the rose + By the hundred gaily blows, + And the river freshly flows + Close to me, + I can spend the summer day + In a quite idyllic way; + Simply charming, you would say, + Could you see. + + I am far from stuffy town, + Where the soots meander down, + And the air seems--being brown-- + Close to me. + I am far from rushing train; + _Bradshaw_ does not bore my brain, + Nor, comparatively plain, + _A B C_. + + To my punt I can repair, + If the weather's fairly fair, + But one grievance I have there; + Close to me, + As I sit and idly dream, + Clammy corpses ever seem + Floating down the placid stream + To the sea. + + Though the boats that crowd the lock-- + Such an animated block!-- + Bring gay damsels, quite a flock, + Close to me, + Yet I heed not tasty togs, + When, as motionless as logs, + Float defunct and dismal dogs + There _aussi_. + + As in Egypt at a feast, + With each party comes at least + One sad corpse, departed beast, + Close to me; + Till a Canon might go off, + Till a Dean might swear or scoff, + Or a Bishop--tip-top toff + In a see. + + Floating to me from above, + If it stick, with gentle shove, + To my neighbour, whom I love, + Close to me, + I send on each gruesome guest. + Should I drag it out to rest + In my garden? No, I'm blest! + _Non, merci!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE 'ARDEN-ING PROCESS. + +_Orlando._ "TIRED, ROSALIND?" _Rosalind._ "PNEUMATICALLY."] + + * * * * * + + OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"For a modest dish of camp-pie, suited to barracks and youth militant, +commend me," quoth one of the Baron's Baronites, "to _Only a +Drummer-Boy_, a maiden effort, and unpretentious, like its author, who +calls himself ARTHUR AMYAND, but is really Captain ARTHUR DRUMMER +HAGGARD. He has the rare advantage, missed by most people who write +soldier novels, of knowing what he is talking about. If there are faults +'to pardon in the drawing's lines,' they are faults of technique and not +of anatomy." "The Court is with you," quoth the BARON DE B.-W. + + * * * * * + +HOTEL NOTE.--The _chef_ at every Gordon Hotel ought to be a "_Gordon +Bleu_." + + * * * * * + + THE VOLUNTEER'S VADE MECUM. + + (_Bisley Edition._) + +_Question._ What is the ambition of every rifleman? + +_Answer._ To become an expert marksman. + +_Q._ How is this to be done? + +_A._ By practice at the regimental butts (where such accommodation +exists), and appearing at Bisley. + +_Q._ Is the new site of the National Rifle Association better than the +last? + +_A._ Certainly, for those who come to Bisley intend to shoot. + +_Q._ But did any one turn up at Wimbledon for any purpose other than +marksmanship? + +_A._ Yes, for many of those who occupied the tents used their _marquees_ +merely as a suitable resting-place for light refreshments. + +_Q._ Is there anything of that kind at Bisley? + +_A._ Not much, as the nearest place of interest is a crematorium, and +the most beautiful grounds in the neighbourhood belong to a cemetery. + +_Q._ Then the business of Bisley is shooting? + +_A._ Distinctly. Without the rifle, the place would be as melancholy as +its companion spot, Woking. + +_Q._ In this place of useful work, what is the first object of the +marksman? + +_A._ To score heavily, if possible; but, at any rate, to score. + +_Q._ Is it necessary to appear in uniform? + +_A._ That depends upon the regulations commanding the prize +competitions. + +_Q._ What is uniform? + +_A._ As much or as little of the dress of a corps that a judge will +order a marksman to adopt. + +_Q._ If some marksmen were paraded with their own corps, how would they +look? + +_A._ They would appear to be a sorry sight. + +_Q._ Why would they appear to be a sorry sight? + +_A._ Because over a tunic would appear a straw hat, and under a +pouch-belt fancy tweed trousers. + +_Q._ But surely if the Volunteers are anxious to improve themselves they +will practise "smartness"? + +_A._ But they do not want to promote smartness; they want to win cups, +or the value of cups. + +_Q._ What is the greatest reward that a marksman can obtain? + +_A._ Some hundreds of pounds. + +_Q._ And the smallest? + +_A._ A dozen of somebody's champagne, or a box of someone else's soap. + +_Q._ Under all the circumstances of the case, what would be an +appropriate rule for Bisley? + +_A._ Look after the cup-winning, and everything else will take care of +itself. + + * * * * * + + LATEST PARLIAMENTARY BETTING. + + GENERAL ELECTION STAKES. + + 2 to 1 on Rosebery and Ladas (coupled). + 25 to 1 agst Harcourt's Resignation. + 50 to 1 -- Nonconformist Conscience. + 70 to 1 -- Budget Bill (off--75 to 1 taken). + 100 to 1 -- Ministerial Programme. + + FOR PLACES (NEXT SESSION STAKES). + + 2 to 1 on Asquith for the Leadership. + 12 to 1 agst the Labouchere Peerage. + + NEW PREMIERSHIP SELLING STAKES. + + 12 to 1 on Gladstone Redivivus. + 200 to 1 agst any other. + + * * * * * + + AS WE LIKE IT. + + (JAQUES _resumes_.) + + --All the world's upon the stage, + And here and there you really get a player: + The exits rather than the entrances + Are regulated by the County Council; + And one man in a season sees a lot-- + Seven plays a week, including _matinees_, + And several acts in each. And first the infant, + A vernal blossom of the Garrick Caste, + Playing the super in his bassinet, + And innocently causing some chagrin + To Mr. ECCLES. Then there's _Archibald_, + _New Boy_, and nearly father to the man, + With mourning on his face and kicks behind, + Returning under strong connubial stress + Unwillingly to school. And next the lover, + Sighing like ALEXANDER for fresh fields, + And plunging wofully to win a kiss, + Even to his very eyebrows. Then the soldier, + Armed with strange maxims and a carpet-bag, + Cock-Shaw in military ironies, + And blowing off the bubbling repartee + With chocolate in his mouth. And next is _Falstaff_, + In fair round belly with good bolsters lined, + Full of wide sores, and badly cut about + By Windsor hussies,--modern instances + Of the revolting woman. Sixthly, _Charley's Aunt_. + Now ancient as the earth, and shifting still + The Penley pantaloons for ladies' gear, + Her fine heroic waist a world too wide + For the slim corset, and her manly lips, + Tuned to the treble of a maiden's pipe, + Grasping a big cigar. Last scene of all, + The season's close and mere oblivion; + Away to Europe and the provinces; + And London left forlorn without them all, + _Sans-Gene_, _Santuzza_, yea, _sans_ everything. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A GOOD TIME COMING!" + +_British Farmer ("playing a game of mixed chance and skill with +Nature")_ "I DO BELIEVE MY LUCK'S ON THE TURN!"] + + * * * * * + + "A GOOD TIME COMING!" + + (_And it HAS been a good time coming._) + + ["The game of mixed chance and skill which the farmer plays each + year with Nature is still undecided; but, if the farmer wins, + his winnings will be large indeed." + --_The "Times" on Farming Prospects._] + + _British Farmer, loq.:_-- + + Bless my old bones!--they're weary ones, wherefore I takes small + shame-- + For the first time for many a year mine _looks_ a winning game! + A "bumper" harvest? Blissful thought! For long I've been fair stuck, + But now I really hope I see a change in my bad luck. + True, my opponent is a chap 'tis doosed hard to match. + I seed a picture once of one a playing 'gainst Old Scratch, + And oftentimes I feels like that, a-sticking all together, + Against that demon-dicer whom we know as British Weather! + What use of ploughs and patience, boys, or skill, and seed, and + sickle, + 'Gainst frost, and rain, and blighted grain, and all that's foul and + fickle? + When the fly is on the turmuts, and the blight is on the barley, + And meadows show like sodden swamps, a farmer do get snarley. + But now the crops from hay to hops show promising of plenty, + A-doubling last year's average, plus a extry ten or twenty. + And straw is good, uncommon so, and barley, wheat and oats, Sir, + Make a rare show o'er whose rich glow the long-tried farmer gloats, + Sir! + Beans ain't so bad, spite o' May frosts; turnips and swedes look + topping; + Though the frost and fly the mangolds try, and the taters won't be + whopping. + Those poor unlucky taters! If there's any mischief going, + They cop their share, and how they'll fare this year there ain't no + knowing; + And peas is good, and hops is bad, or baddish. But, by jingo! + The sight o' the hay as I saw to-day is as good as a glass of stingo. + Pastures and meadows promise prime, well nigh the country over, + Though them as depend on their clover-crop will hardly be in clover. + But take 'em all, the big and small, the cereals, roots, and grasses, + There's a lump o' cheer for the farmers' hearts, and the farmers' + wives and lasses; + If only him I'm playing against--well, p'r'aps I'd best be civil,-- + If he isn't JEMMY SQUAREFOOT though, he has the _luck_ o' the divil. + With his rain and storm and cold and hot, and his host of insect + horrors, + He has the pull, and our bright to-days may be spiled by black + to-morrers. + A cove like him with looks so grim, and flies, and such philistians, + Is no fair foe for farmer chaps as is mortial men and Christians. + Look at him damply glowering there with a eye like a hungry vulture! + With his blights at hand, and his floods to command, he's the scourge + of Agriculture. + But howsomever, although he's clever, luck's all, and mine seems + turning, + Oh! for a few more fair fine weeks, not swamped, nor yet too burning, + When the sun shines sweet on the slanting wheat, with the bees through + the clover humming, + And us farmer chaps with a cheery heart _will_ sing "_There's a good + time coming!_" + + * * * * * + + A MODERN MADAME. + + (_According to the New School of Teachers._) + +She believes in nothing but herself, and never accepts her own +personality seriously. + +She has aspirations after the impossible, and is herself far from +probable; she regards her husband as an unnecessary evil, and her +children as disturbances without compensating advantages. + +She writes more than she reads and seldom scribbles anything. + +She has no feelings, and yet has a yearning after the intense. + +She is the antithesis of her grandmother, and has made further +development in generations to come quite impossible. + +She thinks without the thoughts of a male, and yet has lost the +comprehension of a female. + +To sum up, she is hardly up to the standard of a man, and yet has sunk +several fathoms below the level of a woman. + + * * * * * + +MEM. AT LORD'S DURING THE ETON AND HARROW, FRIDAY, JULY 13. (_It rained +the better part, which became the worse part, of the day._)--Not much +use trying to do anything with any "match" in the wet. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TO GOLFERS. + +SUGGESTION FOR A RAINY DAY. SPILLIKINS ON A GRAND SCALE.] + + * * * * * + + WHAT WE MAY EXPECT SOON. + +_By Our Own Wire._--Dispute broken out between local employer of +labour--Shoemaker with two apprentices--and his hands. One apprentice +won't work with t'other. Shoemaker locked out both. + +_Later News._--Dispute developing. Amalgamated Association of Trade +Unions sent fifty thousand men with rifles into town. Also park of +artillery. Arbitration suggested. + +_Special Telegram._--Federated Society of Masters occupying Market Place +and principal streets with Gatling guns. Expresses itself willing to +accept Arbitration in principle. + +_A Day After._--Conflicts to-day between opposing forces. Streets +resemble battle-field. Authorities announce--"will shortly act with +vigour." Enrolled ten extra policemen. Police, including extra ten, +captured by rioters, and locked up in their own cells. Business--except +of undertakers--at standstill. + +_Latest Developments._--More conflicts, deaths, outrages, incendiarism. +Central Government telegraphs to Shoemaker to take back both apprentices +to stop disastrous disorder. No reply. Shoemaker and both apprentices +been killed in riots. + +_Close of the Struggle._--Stock of gunpowder exhausted. Both sides +inclined to accept compromise. Board of Conciliation formed. Survivors +of employers and employed shake hands. Town irretrievably ruined, but +peace firmly re-established. + + * * * * * + +WHAT! ALREADY!--"I'm afraid," said Mrs. R., "that the new Tower Bridge +is in a bad way. I hear it said, of course I do not know with what +truth, that it has 'bascules.' Now weren't they the insects that +destroyed the crops one year and gave so many persons the influenza? I +think you'll find I'm right." + + * * * + +EPIGRAMMATIC DESCRIPTION, BY A BILLIARD PLAYER, OF THE SELECTION OF THE +CHIEF MINSTREL TO BE THE RECIPIENT OF A PRIZE AT THE RECENT +EISTEDDFOD.--"_Spot Bard._" + + * * * + +ACCIDENTS IN OUR ROTTENEST ROTTEN ROW.--The sooner the cause (_i.e._ +Rotten Row itself) of the numerous complaints is _well grounded_, the +better for the equestrians. + + * * * + +NATIONAL REFLECTION (SUGGESTED BY RECENT YACHT-RACE).--It is of small +use BRITANNIA being BRITANNIA unless she be also Vigilant. + + * * * * * + + LYRE AND LANCET. + + (_A Story in Scenes._) + + PART III.--THE TWO ANDROMEDAS. + + SCENE III.--_Opposite a Railway Bookstall at a London Terminus._ + TIME--_Saturday_, 4.25 P.M. + +_Drysdale_ (_to his friend_, GALFRID UNDERSHELL, _whom he is "seeing +off"_). Twenty minutes to spare; time enough to lay in any quantity of +light literature. + +_Undershell (in a head voice)._ I fear the merely ephemeral does not +appeal to me. But I should like to make a little experiment. (_To the +Bookstall Clerk._) A--do you happen to have a copy left of CLARION +BLAIR'S _Andromeda_? + +_Clerk._ Not in stock, Sir. Never 'eard of the book, but daresay I could +get it for you. Here's a Detective Story we're sellin' like 'ot +cakes--_The Man with the Missing Toe_--very cleverly written story, Sir. + +[Illustration: "Here 's a detective story we're sellin' like 'ot +cakes."] + +_Und._ I merely wished to know--that was all. (_Turning with resigned +disgust to_ DRYSDALE.) Just think of it, my dear fellow. At a bookstall +like this one feels the pulse, as it were, of Contemporary Culture; and +here my _Andromeda_, which no less an authority than the _Daily +Chronicle_ hailed as the uprising of a new and splendid era in English +Songmaking, a Poetic Renascence, my poor _Andromeda_ is trampled +underfoot by--(_choking_)--Men with Missing Toes! What a satire on our +so-called Progress! + +_Drys._ That a purblind public should prefer a Shilling Shocker for +railway reading when for a modest half-guinea they might obtain a +numbered volume of Coming Poetry on hand-made paper! It _does_ seem +incredible,--but they do. Well, if they can't read _Andromeda_ on the +journey, they can at least peruse a stinger on it in this week's +_Saturday_. Seen it? + +_Und._ No. I don't vex my soul by reading criticisms on my work. I am no +KEATS. They may howl--but they will not kill _me_. By the way, the +_Speaker_ had a most enthusiastic notice last week. + +_Drys._ So you saw _that_ then? But you're right not to mind the others. +When a fellow's contrived to hang on to the Chariot of Fame, he can't +wonder if a few rude and envious beggars call out "Whip behind!" eh? You +don't want to get in yet? Suppose we take a turn up to the end of the +platform. [_They do._ + + JAMES SPURRELL, M.R.C.V.S., _enters with his friend_, THOMAS + TANRAKE, _of_ HURDELL AND TANRAKE, _Job and Riding Masters, + Mayfair_. + +_Spurrell._ Yes, it's lucky for me old SPAVIN being laid up like +this--gives me a regular little outing, do you see? going down to a +swell place like this Wyvern Court, and being put up there for a day or +two! I shouldn't wonder if they do you very well in the housekeeper's +room. (_To_ Clerk.) Give me a _Pink 'Un_ and last week's _Dog Fancier's +Guide_. + +_Clerk._ We've returned the unsold copies. Could give you _this_ week's; +or there's _The Rabbit and Poultry Breeder's Journal_. + +_Spurr._ Oh, rabbits be blowed! (To TANRAKE.) I wanted you to see that +notice they put in of _Andromeda_ and me, with my photo and all; it said +she was the best bull-bitch they'd seen for many a day, and fully +deserved her first prize. + +_Tanrake._ She's a rare good bitch, and no mistake. But what made you +call her such an outlandish name? + +_Spurr._ Well, I _was_ going to call her _Sal_; but a chap at the +College thought the other would look more stylish if I ever meant to +exhibit her. _Andromeda_ was one of them Roman goddesses, you know. + +_Tanr._ Oh, I knew _that_ right enough. Come and have a drink before you +start--just for luck--not that you want _that_. + +_Spurr._ I'm lucky enough in most things, TOM; in everything except +love. I told you about that girl, you know--EMMA--and my being as good +as engaged to her, and then, all of a sudden, she went off abroad and +I've never seen or had a line from her since. Can't call _that_ luck, +you know. Well, I won't say no to a glass of something. + + [_They disappear into the Refreshment Room._ + + _The_ Countess of CANTIRE _enters with her daughter_, + Lady MAISIE MULL. + +_Lady Cantire_ (_to_ Footman). Get a compartment for us, and two +foot-warmers, and a second-class as near ours as you can for PHILLIPSON; +then come back here. Stay, I'd better give you PHILLIPSON'S ticket. +(_The_ Footman _disappears in the crowd._) Now we must get something to +read on the journey. (_To_ Clerk.) I want a book of some sort--no +rubbish, mind; something serious and improving, and _not_ a work of +fiction. + +_Clerk._ Exactly so, Ma'am. Let me see. Ah, here's _Alone with the 'Airy +Ainoo_. How would you like _that_? + +_Lady Cant._ (_with decision_). I should not like it at all. + +_Clerk._ I quite understand. Well, I can give you _Three 'Undred Ways of +Dressing the Cold Mutton_--useful little book for a family, redooced to +one and ninepence. + +_Lady Cant._ Thank you. I think I will wait until I am reduced to one +and ninepence. + +_Clerk._ Precisely. What do you say to _Seven 'Undred Side-splitters for +Sixpence_? 'Ighly yumorous, I assure you. + +_Lady Cant._ Are these times to split our sides, with so many serious +social problems pressing for solution? You are presumably not without +intelligence; do you never reflect upon the responsibility you incur in +assisting to circulate trivial and frivolous trash of this sort? + +_Clerk_ (_dubiously_). Well, I can't say as I do, particular, Ma'am. I'm +paid to sell the books--I don't _select_ 'em. + +_Lady Cant._ That is _no_ excuse for you--you ought to exercise some +discrimination on your own account, instead of pressing people to buy +what can do them no possible good. You can give me a _Society Snippets_. + +_Lady Maisie._ Mamma! A penny paper that says such rude things about the +Royal Family! + +_Lady Cant._ It's always instructive to know what these creatures are +saying about one, my dear, and it's astonishing how they manage to find +out the things they do. Ah, here's GRAVENER coming back. He's got us a +carriage, and we'd better get in. + + [_She and her daughter enter a first-class compartment_; + UNDERSHELL _and_ DRYSDALE _return_. + +_Drys._ (_to_ UNDERSHELL). Well, I don't see now where the insolence +comes in. These people have invited you to stay with them---- + +_Und._ But why? Not because they appreciate my work--which they probably +only half understand--but out of mere idle curiosity to see what manner +of strange beast a Poet may be! And _I_ don't know this Lady +CULVERIN--never met her in my life! What the deuce does she mean by +sending me an invitation? Why should these smart women suppose that they +are entitled to send for a Man of Genius, as if he was their _lackey?_ +Answer me that! + +_Drys._ Perhaps the delusion is encouraged by the fact that Genius +occasionally condescends to answer the bell. + +_Und._ (_reddening_). Do you imagine I am going down to this place +simply to please _them_? + +_Drys._ I should think it a doubtful kindness, in your present frame of +mind; and, as you are hardly going to please yourself, wouldn't it be +more dignified, on the whole, not to go at all? + +_Und._ You never _did_ understand me! Sometimes I think I was born to +be misunderstood! But you might do me the justice to believe that +I am not going from merely snobbish motives. May I not feel that +such a recognition as this is a tribute less to my poor self than to +Literature, and that, as such, I have scarcely the _right_ to decline +it? + +_Drys._ Ah, if you put it in that way, I am silenced, of course. + +_Und._ Or what if I am going to show these Patricians that--Poet of the +People as I am--they can neither patronise nor cajole me? + +_Drys._ Exactly, old chap--what if you _are_? + +_Und._ I don't say that I may not have another reason--a--a rather +romantic one--but you would only sneer if I told you! I know you think +me a poor creature whose head has been turned by an undeserved success. + +_Drys._ You're not going to try to pick a quarrel with an old chum, are +you? Come, you know well enough I don't think anything of the sort. I've +always said you had the right stuff in you, and would show it some day; +there are even signs of it in _Andromeda_ here and there; but you'll do +better things than that, if you'll only let some of the wind out of your +head. I like you, old fellow, and that's just why it riles me to see you +taking yourself so devilish seriously on the strength of a little volume +of verse which has been "boomed" for all it's worth, and considerably +more. You've only got your immortality on a short repairing lease at +present, old boy! + +_Und._ (_with bitterness_). I am fortunate in possessing such a candid +friend. But I mustn't keep you here any longer. + +_Drys._ Very well. I suppose you're going first? Consider the feelings +of the CULVERIN footman at the other end! + +_Und._ (_as he fingers a first-class ticket in his pocket_). You have a +very low view of human nature! (_Here he remarks a remarkably pretty +face at a second-class window close by._) As it _happens_, I am +travelling second. [_He gets in._ + +_Drys._ (_at the window_). Well, good-bye, old chap. Good luck to you at +Wyvern, and remember--wear your livery with as good a grace as possible. + +_Und._ I do not intend to wear any livery whatever. + + [_The owner of the pretty face regards_ UNDERSHELL _with interest._ + +_Spurr_. (_coming out of the Refreshment Room_). What, second? with all +my exes. paid? Not _likely_! I'm going to travel in style this journey. +No--not a smoker; don't want to create a bad impression, you know. This +will do for me. + + [_He gets into a compartment occupied by_ Lady CANTIRE _and her + daughter._ + +_Tanr._ (_at the window_). There--you're off now. Pleasant journey to +you, old man. Hope you'll enjoy yourself at this Wyvern Court you're +going to--and I say, don't forget to send me that notice of _Andromeda_ +when you get back! + + [_The_ Countess _and_ Lady MAISIE _start slightly; the train moves + out of the station._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 'ARRY AT BISLEY. + +'_Arry_ (_to 'Arriet_). "OH, I SY! WHAT SEEDS THEM MUST BE TO GROW A +LAMP-POST!"] + + * * * * * + + THE LATEST GREAT YACHT RACE. + + (_By our own Nautical Special._) + +DEAR SIR,--The captain went on board the gallant _Naughty Lass_ with his +Wind Lass. A Wind Lass is short for "Winn'd Lass," _i.e._ a Lass he has +won. I think her name is "POLL." The Captain says he is always true to +her, and nothing will ever induce him to leave his dear Wind Lass ashore +when he's afloat. Noble sentiment, but unpractical. The fact is (as +whispered) the Wind Lass is jealous of the _Naughty Lass_, and won't let +the Captain go alone. When the other Captain went on board the rival of +the gallant _Naughty Lass_, the _Anne Nemone_, and "the crafty ones," as +they call the sailors "in the know," were ready to bet any money on the +_Anne Nemone_. Both cutters "cut" (hence the name) well away from each +other at the start, and a fresh breeze coming up (the stale one had been +got rid of) there was a lot of fore-reaching, until the Captain, who is +an old hand at this sort of thing, sent round steward with brandy. "All +hands for grog!" was then the order of the day, and we just managed to +clear Muddle Point, leaving the home-marked (or "home-made," I forget +which is the technical term, but I suppose the latter, as she was built +on the neighbouring premises) boat well to windward. After a free reach +in this weather down to Boot Shore--where the vessel heeled over a bit, +but nothing to speak of, as it was soon remedied by a cobble that was +close at hand--the _Naughty Lass_ lifted her head-sails, and away we +went for Incog Bay, where nobody knew us, or we should have been +received with three times three. + +At this moment the _Anne Nemone_, racing close to us, let out a right +good "gybe," which was in execrable taste, I admit, but which ought not +to have called for any retort from the captain's Wind Lass, who gave it +her hot and strong, and threatened to haul her over the coal-scuttlers. +Fortunately we were away again, and there was no time for opposite +gybes. (I spell "gybes" in the old English nautical fashion, but, as I +ascertain, it is precisely the same as "jibes.") Sailors' language is a +bit odd; they don't mean anything, I know--it's only professional; +still, as reporting the matter to ears polite, I scarcely like to set +down in full _all_ I heard. At 1 P.M. all hands were piped for luncheon, +and we had spinnakers cooked in their skins (they are a sort of bean), +with a rare nautical dish called "Booms and Bacon." Fine! I did enjoy +it! But then I'm an old hand at this sort of thing,--luncheon on board, +I mean; for there's scarcely a board, be it sea board or other board, +or, in fact, any boarding establishment, that I don't know. But "yeo ho! +my boys! and avast!" for are we not still racing? We are!! + +We passed The Bottle at 2.30 P.M. What had become of the _Anne Nemone_ I +don't know, and probably we should never have seen her again had not our +captain, who was trying to sight the port after passing The Bottle, +stood on the wrong tack, which ran into his boot and hurt him awfully. +He was carried below, and we gathered round him as he turned to the +_Naughty Lass_ and murmured--but POLLY objected that there was nothing +to murmur about or to grumble at, and that the sooner he stumbled on +deck the better it would be for the race. So up rose our brave captain, +took a stiff draught of weather bilge (which is the best preventive of +sea-sickness), and calling for his first mate, Mr. JACK YARD TOPSAIL, +told him to "stand away," which I could quite understand, for JACK YARD +TOPSAIL is a regular salt, full of tar, rum, 'baccy, and everything that +can make life sweet to _him_, but not to his immediate neighbours. So +"stand away" and not "stand by" it was, and when we got to Squeams Bay +the sailors took a short hitch (it is necessary occasionally--but I +cannot say more--lady-readers being present), and we went streaking away +like a side of bacon on a fine day. + +"Are we winning?" asks POLLY, the Wind Lass. "_You_ look winning!" I +reply, politely. "By how much?" she inquires, just tucking up her +skirts, and showing a trim ankle. The Captain, with his glass to his +eye, and looking down, answers, "The fifth of a long leg!" I never saw a +woman so angry! "I haven't!" she exclaimed; and there would have been a +row, and we should never have won, as we did splendidly, had not the +"First Officer" (just as they name the supernumeraries in a play) come +up and reminded Pretty POLLY that she wasn't the only mate the Captain +had on board. "Where's the other?" she cried, in a fury. "Below!" +answered the First Officer, and down went POLLY, not to re-appear again +until all was over, and our victorious binnacle was waving proudly from +the fore-top-gallant. At the finish we went clean into harbour, without +a speck on our forecastle, or a stain on our character. I wire you the +account of this great race, and am (Rule BRITANNIA!) + Yours, + "EVERY OTHER INCH A SAILOR!" + +P.S.--I am informed that after I left the vessel--in fact it was next +day--a Burgee was run up at the mast head. I suppose some sort of +court-martial was held first, and that the Burgee (poor wretch!) was +caught red-handed. Still, in these days, this sort of proceeding does +sound rather tyrannical. High-masted justice, eh? Well, sea-dogs will be +sea-dogs. I don't exactly know what a Burgee is, but I fancy he is +something between a Buccaneer and a Bargee; a sort of river-and-sea +pirate. But I fear it is a landsman!! Burgee, masculine (and probably +husband) of Burgess!! If so, there _will_ be a row! + YOURS AS BEFORE THE MAST. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A FRIEND IN NEED--" + +ANARCHIST. "'ELP! 'ELP! PER-LICE!!" + +CONSTABLE. "'DOWN WITH EVERYTHING,' INDEED! LUCKY FOR _YOU_ YOU HAVEN'T +'DOWN'D' _ME_!!"] + + * * * * * + + A FRIEND IN NEED; + + _Or, The Lawbreaker's Last Refuge._ + + Sure stranger irony life never saw + Than Lawlessness low suppliant to the Law! + + _Guardian of Order soliloquiseth:_-- + + "Down with Everything!" Ah, yes! + That's the sort o' rot you jaw! + You'd be in a tidy mess + If you'd downed with good old Law. + Funniest job we have to do, + Is to "save" such scamps as you. + + "Down with Everything!" Spout on! + I, who stand for Law, stand by. + You may want me ere you've done. + Somethink in that workman's eye, + And the clenching of his fist, + Ought to put you on the twist. + + Think you're fetching of 'em fine + With your tommy-rotten patter? + Think you've got 'em in a line, + Or as near as doesn't matter? + Won't you feel in a rare stew + If they take to downing _you_? + + Downing is a sort o' game + Two can play at _here_--thanks be! + Spin your lead out! Don't let shame, + Common sense, or courtesy, + Put the gag on your red rag; + Flourish it--like your Red Flag! + + How they waggle, flag and tongue! + Proud o' that same bit of bunting? + See the glances on you flung? + Hear the British workman grunting? + He is none too fond, that chap, + Of rank rot and the Red Cap! + + Perched upon a noodle's nob, + Minds me of an organ-monkey!-- + If a workman will not _rob_, + You denounce him as a "flunkey." + Some of 'em know what that means. + Mind your eye! They'll give you beans! + + Ah! I thought so. Gone too fur! + Set the British Workman booing. + "_Dirty dog!!!_" That riles you, Sir! + Better mind what you are doing! + Mug goes saffron now, with fear, + Round you glare! Yes, Law _is_ here! + + Show your teeth, shark-like and yellow! + You won't frighten them, or me. + Ah! there comes the true mob-bellow! + That means mischief--as you see. + Mob, when mettled, goes a squelcher + For Thief, Anarchist _or_ Welsher. + + "Help! Perlice!!" Oh! _that_'s your cry! + _I'm_ your friend, then,--at a pinch? + Funk first taste of Anarchy? + Law is better than--Judge Lynch? + Rummy this! For all his jaw + The lawbreaker flies to Law! + + Good as a sensation novel + For to see you crouching there. + Can't these Red Flag heroes grovel? + Come, my Trojan, have a care. + Do not clasp Law's legs that way, + Like _Scum Goodman_ in the play. + + Help? Oh, yes; I'll help you--out!-- + "_Stand back there, please! Pass along!_" + Come, get up! _Now_ don't you doubt + If your "downing" dodge ain't wrong? + Anyhow 'tis, you'll agree, + Lucky for _you_--you've not downed _me_! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +_Madame la Baronne_ (_who WILL speak English_). "AND TELL ME, MISTRESS +BROWN, YOUR CLEVARE 'USBAND, WHO 'AVE A SO BEAUTIFUL TALENT--IS HE YET +OF ZE ROYAL ACADEMY?" + +_Our Artist's Wife_ (_who WILL speak French_). "OH NON, MADAME, HELAS! +SEULEMENT, IL EST _PENDU_ CETTE ANNEE, VOUS SAVEZ!" + +_Madame la Baronne_ (_relapsing into her native language_). +"OH--MADAME--QUELLE AFFREUSE NOUVELLE!"] + + A MIDSUMMER DAY-DREAM. + + [_The Jackson-Harmsworth Expedition has started._] + + PUNCH sleeps. The cheerful Sage has heard + That JACKSON is about to start. + His sympathies are warmly stirred, + He hath the _Windward's_ weal at heart. + He dreams: That block of dinner ice + Stirs arctic fancies in his breast. + He travels Pole-ward in a trice; + He joins the JACKSON-HARMSWORTH quest. + + * * * + + "All precious things, discovered late + To those that seek them issue forth."-- + To find her may be JACKSON'S fate, + That Sleeping Beauty of the North! + She lieth in her icy cave + As still as sleep, as white as death. + Her look might stagger the most brave, + And make the stoutest hold his breath. + + "The bodies and the bones of those + That strove in other days to pass," + Are scattered o'er the spreading snows, + Are bleached about that sea of glass. + He gazes on the silent dead: + "They perished in their daring deeds." + The proverb flashes through his head, + "The many fail: the one succeeds." + + * * * + + _Punch_ wakes: lo! it is but a dream-- + A vision of the Frozen Sea; + Yet may be it may hold a gleam + Of prophecy. So mote it be! + To JACKSON and to HARMSWORTH too + He brims a well-earnt bumper. "Skoal!" + Here's health to them and their brave crew! + And safe return from well-won goal! + + * * * * * + + THE MINX.--A POEM IN PROSE. + + [Illustration] + +_Poet._ It's so good of you to see me. I merely wished to ask one or two +questions as to your career. You must have led a most interesting life. + +_Sphinx._ You are very inquisitive and extremely indiscreet, and I have +always carefully avoided being interviewed. However, go on. + +_Poet._ I believe you can read hieroglyphs? + +_Sphinx._ Oh yes; I _can_, fluently, But I never do. I assure you they +are not in the least amusing. + +_Poet._ No doubt you have talked with hippogriffs and basilisks? + +_Sphinx_ (_modestly_). I certainly _was_ in rather a smart set at one +time. As they say, I have "known better days." + +_Poet._ Did you ever have any conversation with THOTH? + +_Sphinx_ (_loftily_). Oh, dear no! (_Mimicking._) Thoth he wath not +conthidered quite a nice perthon. I would not allow him to be introduced +to me. + +_Poet._ You were very particular? + +_Sphinx._ One has to be careful. The world is so censorious. + +_Poet._ I wonder, would you give me the pleasure of singing to me? +"_Adrian's Gilded Barge_," for instance? + +_Sphinx._ You must really excuse me. I am not in good voice. By the way, +the "Gilded Barge," as you call it, was merely a shabby sort of punt. It +would have had no effect whatever at the Henley Regatta. + +_Poet._ Dear me! Is it true you played golf among the Pyramids? + +_Sphinx_ (_emphatically_). Perfectly untrue. You see what absurd reports +get about! + +_Poet_ (_softly_). They do. What was that story about the Tyrian? + +_Sphinx._ Merely gossip. There was nothing in it, I assure you. + +_Poet._ And APIS? + +_Sphinx._ Oh, he sent me some flowers, and there were paragraphs about +it--in hieroglyphs--in the society papers. That was all. But they were +contradicted. + +_Poet._ You knew AMMON very well, I believe? + +_Sphinx_ (_frankly_). AMMON and I _were_ great pals. I used to see +a good deal of him. He came in to tea very often--he was _quite_ +interesting. But I have not seen him for a long time. He had one +fault--he _would_ smoke in the drawing-room. And though I hope I am not +too conventional, I really could not allow _that_. + +_Poet._ How pleased they would all be to see you again! Why do you not +go over to Egypt for the winter? + +_Sphinx._ The hotels at Cairo are so dreadfully expensive. + +_Poet._ Is it true you went tunny-fishing with ANTONY? + +_Sphinx._ One must draw the line somewhere! CLEOPATRA was so cross. She +was horribly jealous, and not nearly so handsome as you might suppose, +though she _was_ photographed as a "type of Egyptian Beauty!" + +_Poet._ I must thank you very much for the courteous way in which you +have replied to my questions. And now will you forgive me if I make an +observation? In my opinion you are not a Sphinx at all. + +_Sphinx_ (_indignantly_). What am I, then? + +_Poet._ A Minx. + + * * * * * + + THE LAY OF THE EXPLORER. + + I USED to think that if a man + In any character could score a + Distinctly leonine success, + 'Twould be as a returned explorer. + + So, when by sixteen tigers tree'd, + Or when mad elephants were charging, + I joyed to say--"On this, some day, + My countrymen will be enlarging." + + And when mosquitoes buzzed and bit + (For 'tis their pleasing nature to), + Or fevers floored me, still this dream + Helped me to suffer and to do. + + I _have_ returned! Whole dusky tribes + I've wiped right out--such labour sweet is!-- + And with innumerable chiefs + Arranged unconscionable treaties. + + What's the result? I have become + A butt for each humanitarian, + Who call my exploits in the chase + The work of a "confessed barbarian." + + And, worst of all, my rival, JONES, + Who'd any trick that's low and mean dare, + Cries--"Equatorial jungles! Pish! + I don't believe he's ever been there!" + + So now I just "explore" Herne Bay, + With trippers, niggers, nurses, babies: + I've tried for fame. I 've gained it, too: + I share it with the vanished JABEZ! + + * * * * * + +NOTE AND QUERY.--At Aldershot the QUEEN expressed herself much pleased +with the "tattoo" all round. "IGNORAMUS" writes to inquire "if +'tattoo-ing' is done in Indian ink or with gunpowder?" + + * * * * * + + RULE, "BRITANNIA." + + (_New Yachtical Version._) + + H.R.H. THE P----E OF W----S _sings_:-- + + When _Vigilant_, at GOULD'S command, + Came over here to sweep the main, + This was the lay that thrilled the land, + And Yankee Doodle loved the strain-- + Lick _Britannia!_ the fleet _Britannia_ lick! + And JOHNNY BULL may cut his stick. + + But _Vigilant_, less fast than thee, + Must in her turn before thee fall, + _Britannia_, who hast kept the sea, + The dread and envy of them all. + Win, _Britannia_! _Britannia_ rules the waves! + (Though by the narrowest of shaves.) + + Six races in succession show + The Yankee yacht has met her match; + Though she was hailed, not long ago, + The swiftest clipper of the batch. + Rule, _Britannia_! _Britannia_ rule the waves! + The most appropriate of staves! + + I'm sorry poor DUNRAVEN'S crack + So prematurely has gone down; + But mine has kept the winning tack, + And well upheld the isle's renown. + Rule, _Britannia_! &c. + + When JONATHAN thy match hath found, + He'll to our coasts again repair. + We'll have another friendly round, + With manly hearts and all things fair. + Rule, _Britannia_! _Britannia_ rules the waves, + Six sequent wins BULL'S honour saves! + + * * * * * + + TO ALTHEA IN THE STALLS. + + From the Orchestra as I was staring + So wearily down at the hall, + The programme I held hardly caring + To turn, I was tired of it all! + For I knew 'twas a futile endeavour + With music my trouble to drown, + And I'd made up my mind that you never, + Ah, never, would come back to town! + + When suddenly, there I beheld you + Yourself--ah, the joyous amaze! + I wonder what instinct impelled you + Your dreamy dark eyes to upraise, + That for one happy second's communing + Met mine that had waited so long-- + And the wail of the violins tuning + It turned to a jubilant song! + + 'Mid organ-chords sombre and mellow + There breaks out a ripple of glee, + And the voice of the violoncello, + ALTHEA, is pleading for me! + The music is beating and surging + With joy no _adagio_ can drown, + In ecstasy all things are merging-- + Because you have come back to town! + + * * * * * + +THE COREAN DIFFICULTY.--"_Japan declines to withdraw._"--(_Telegram, +Thursday, July 12_).--"Ah," observed Miss QUOTER, who is ever ready, +"that reminds me of BYRON'S line in _Mazeppa_, quite applicable to the +present situation-- + + 'Again he urges on his mild Corea.'" + + * * * + +NEW WORK (_by the Chief Druid Minstrel at the Eisteddfod, dedicated to +their Royal Highnesses_).--"_How to be Harpy in Wales._" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS. + +A CRICKET MATCH. "HOWS THAT, UMPIRE?"!!] + + * * * * * + + ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + + EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Lords, Monday, July 9._--PLAYFAIR'S leonine countenance +habitually cheerful. But never saw him looking so pleased as when we +walked through St. Stephen's Chapel on way to Lords just now. "From +point of view of old House of Commons man the Lords are, I admit, a +little unresponsive," my Lord said. "The chamber is, acoustically and +otherwise, the sepulchre of speech. You remember the little lecture on +margarine I delivered years ago in the Commons? Bless me, how delighted +the House was to see the table covered with small white pots containing +samples, with a bottle of best Dorset margarine hooked on to the Mace +for greater convenience of reference. Often I've enchained an audience +with my object lessons. Up to present time that monologue on margarine +ranks as most successful. But I'll beat the record to-night. See that?" +(Here he slapped a something bulging out from his trouser pocket.) +"Guess what that is? Thought you couldn't. It's cultch. Know what cultch +is?" + +"Not unless it's the beginning of knowledge," I said, drawing a bow, so +to speak, at a venture. "Positive cultch, comparative culture, eh?" + +PLAYFAIR stared at me vacantly. "Cultch----" he said; "but no, that's +part of the lecture. Come along to the Lords and hear it." + +[Illustration: Suggested Statues for the Vacant Niches in the Inner +Lobby. + +No. I.--"The Majesty of the Law!"] + +House not in condition particularly inspiring for lecturer. Benches +mostly empty; STANLEY of Alderley completed depletion by rambling +speech of half an hour's duration, modestly described in Orders as "a +question." Wanted to know how many lighthouses in England and Wales paid +Income Tax; how many were behindhand with their rates; were Death Duties +applicable to some of them; if so, which; and whether the tenants +compounded for rates or otherwise. These inquiries not without interest, +but STANLEY not chiefly remarkable for concentration of thought or +conciseness of phrase. + +At length PLAYFAIR'S turn came. A flutter of interest amongst Peers as +he was observed tugging at something in trousers pocket; hauled out what +looked like empty oyster shell. + +"Ah!" said HERSCHELL, smiling, "I see the lawyers have been before us." + +"In moving the Second Reading of the Sea Fisheries (Shell Fish) Bill, I +propose, if I may be permitted, to give your Lordships an object lesson. +This particular shell," PLAYFAIR continued, holding it up between finger +and thumb, "is covered all over with microscopic oysters. Oysters in all +stages of growth are seen there." + +"Well," said the MARQUIS OF CARABAS, "if one had a twenty billion +magnifying glass of the kind associated with the memory of _Sam Weller_, +perhaps we might see the oysters. All I can say is, I don't see any +worth three and sixpence a dozen. PLAYFAIR's no business to bring these +things down here, filling House with smell of stale seaweed when his +oysters are no bigger than a pin's head." + +The MARQUIS strode angrily forth. Others followed. Lecture cut short. + +_Business done._--Sea Fisheries (Shell Fish) Bill read a second time, +amid unexpectedly depressing circumstances. + +_House of Commons, Tuesday._--SQUIRE OF MALWOOD back after a week's +rustication. Brings glowing news of the hay crop; looks, indeed, as if +he had been helping to make it; ruddier than a cherry; indescribable but +unmistakable country air about him as he sits on Treasury Bench with +folded arms, listening to the monotonous ripple of talk renewed on +Budget Bill. + + "Rusticus expectat dum defluat amnis," + +says PRINCE ARTHUR, looking across at the rustic Squire. + + "_At ille_ + Labitur et labetur in omne volubilis aevum," + +added JOKIM, with approving glance at bench behind, where the Busy B.'s +swarm after week's rest, humming round amendments with increased vigour. + +Almost imperceptible movement of river goes forward. The blameless +BARTLEY on his feet, entrancing House with particulars of a silver +cup, prized heirloom in the humble household in Victoria Street. It +seems that one of BARTLEY'S ancestors--he who came over with the +Conqueror--had brought with him certain blades of buckwheat, which he +industriously planted out on the site, then a meadow, on which the Army +and Navy Stores now flourish. The buckwheat grew apace. One day King +STEPHEN, passing by on a palfrey, noted the waving green expanse. +Enquiring to whom the State was indebted for this fair prospect, a +courtier informed him that it was "the ancestor of GEORGE CHRISTOPHER +TROUT BARTLEY, Member for North Islington in the thirteenth Parliament +of Queen VICTORIA." + +"By our sooth," said the King, "he shall have a silver cup." + +One was forthwith requisitioned from the nearest silversmith's, and this +it is which now adorns the sideboard in the best parlour at St. +Margaret's House, Victoria Street, S.W. + +These interesting reminiscences of family history GEORGE CHRISTOPHER +TROUT recited to a charmed House in support of proposed new Clause, +moved by DICK WEBSTER, exempting from estate duty heirlooms under +settlement. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, usually impervious to argument in favour +of alterations in his prized Budget, evidently moved. If BARTLEY had +only thought of bringing the cup with him, had at this moment produced +it from under his cloak, and flashed it forth on gaze of House, the +Clause would have been added, and the cup, Estate-duty free, would have +passed on through the ages, telling its simple story to successive +strata of the BARTLEY family. As it was, SQUIRE stood firm, and +WEBSTER'S Clause negatived. + +"Couldn't do it, my dear WEBSTER," the SQUIRE found opportunity of +saying, as he met disappointed legislator behind SPEAKER'S Chair. "Of +course I said the polite thing about BARTLEY'S Cup. But I wasn't +thinking of that. I know very well what you had in mind in bringing in +this Clause. The heirlooms you thought of are those cups and medals you +won for Cambridge when, twenty-nine years ago, you met the Oxford +Champion in the two-mile race, and in the one-mile spin. If we could do +something in the Schedules specially exempting them I should be glad. +Think it over, and see me later." + +WEBSTER wrung the SQUIRE'S hand, and passed on, saying nothing. There +are moments when speech is superfluous. 'Tis true, they don't often +occur in House of Commons; but here was one. Let us cherish its memory. + +_Business done._--Considering and negativing new Clauses to Budget Bill. + +_Thursday._--All the cheerfulness of to-day has brightened +Committee-room, where question of issue of Writ, following on +application for Chiltern Hundreds, is considered. The SQUIRE under +examination for nearly two hours and a-half. Difficult to say which the +more enjoyed it, the witness or the Committee. + +[Illustration: An Interesting Specimen. The Coleridge Caterpillar!] + +"What is the state of a Peer pending issue of Writ of Summons?" asked +the SQUIRE, suddenly taking to interrogate the Committee assembled to +question him. "Is he a caterpillar passing through a larva, spinning a +cocoon of silk until he reaches a condition where they toil not neither +do they spin?" (Here, quite by accident, his glance fell upon JOSEPH, +supposed to be sitting upon him in judicial capacity.) "There is," he +continued (and here he glanced at PRINCE ARTHUR, smiling at the sly hit +dealt at his dear friend JOE) "an opening for philosophic doubt as to +the precise condition of this impounded Peer in his intermediary state." + +The House still going about with millstone of Budget Bill round its +neck, BYRNE, BUTCHER, BEACH, BOWLES and BARTLEY tugging at it, +KENYON-SLANEY now and then uttering obvious truths with air of +supernatural wisdom. GRAND YOUNG GARDNER (address Board of Agriculture, +Whitehall Place, S.W.) hands me scrap of paper; says he found it near +SQUIRE'S seat on Treasury Bench; but it doesn't look like his writing: + + "Two modes there are, O BYRNE and BUTCHER, + Our gratitude to earn: + If BYRNE would only burn up BUTCHER, + Or BUTCHER butcher BYRNE; + Or both combine--yes, bless their souls-- + To burn and butcher TOMMY BOWLES!" + +_Business done._--Very little. + +_Friday._--TEMPLE going about much as if on Tuesday night he had got out +of his cab in the ordinary fashion. He didn't, you know. Taken out in +sections through the upper window by couple of stalwart policemen. This +owing to circumstance that Irish cab-driver having, after fashion of his +country, saved a trot for the avenue, dashed up against kerbstone and +overturned cab. + +"Gave me a start, of course," TEMPLE said, as we brushed him down. "Not +a convenient way of getting out of your hansom. What I was afraid of was +being disfigured. Am not a vain man, but don't mind telling you, TOBY, a +scratch or a scar on one's face would have been exceedingly annoying. +But I'm all right, as you see. Hope it isn't a portent. A small thing +that under this Government I should be overturned. What I fear is, that +unless we keep our eye on them they'll overturn the Empire." + +_Business done._--Not yet done with Budget. + + * * * * * + +FASHIONABLE INFORMATION AND SUGGESTION.--The Duke and Duchess of BEDFORD +having returned from Thorney will go to Beds;--a delightful change, that +is unless they are rose-beds, which are proverbially thorny. And "the +Duchess of ROXBURGHE goes to Floors." No Beds here; only Floors. Why not +combine the two establishments and get them both under one roof? + + * * * + +"_NIHIL tetiqit quod non ornavit_," as the prizefighter said of his +right fist, after blacking his opponent's eye and breaking the bridge of +his nose. + + * * * + +"The Knights of Labour" seem to be banded together against "Days of +Work." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CRUEL! + +_Lucullus Brown_ (_on hospitable purpose intent_). "ARE YOU DINING +ANYWHERE TO-MORROW NIGHT?" + +_Jones_ (_not liking to absolutely "give himself away"_). "LET ME +SEE"--(_considers_)--"NO; I'M NOT DINING ANYWHERE TO-MORROW." + +_Lucullus Brown_ (_seeing through the artifice_). "UM! POOR CHAP! HOW +HUNGRY YOU WILL BE!" + + ["_Exeunt,--severally._"] + + * * * * * + + THE ROYAL WELSH BARD. + + [The Prince of WALES was initiated as a Bard the other day at + the Carnarvon Eisteddfod.] + + The Minstrel-Prince to his Wales has gone, + In the ranks of the Bards you'll find him; + His bardic cloak he has girded on, + And his tame harp slung behind him. + "Land of Song!" said the Royal Bard, + "You remarkably rum-spelt land, you, + One Prince at least shall try very hard + To pronounce you, and understand you." + + The Prince tried hard, but the songs he heard + Very soon brought his proud soul under, + With twenty consonants packed in a word, + And no vowels to keep them asunder! + So he said to the Druid, "A word with you, + Your jaw must be hard as nails, Sir; + Your songs may do for the bold Cymru, + They've done for the Prince of WALES, Sir!" + + * * * * * + + GOOD WISHES. + + (_To Mr. and Mrs. J. M. Barrie on their Marriage, July 9, 1894._) + + "When authors venture on a play, + They have been known to find them undone, + But Mr. BARRIE found the way + To great success in _Walker, London_. + A ready TOOLE he'd close at hand, + And those who know her merry glance'll + Not find it hard to understand + How much was due to MARY ANSELL. + + Her acting in the House-boat Scene + Led Mr. BARRIE to discover + He'd lost his heart (although he'd _been_ + Of Lady NICOTINE a lover). + And those who felt sweet NANNY'S charm, + Or who in Thrums delight to tarry, + Long happy life, quite free from harm, + Will wish this new-formed firm of BARRIE. + + + + +Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. Thus +the page number of the illustration might not match the page number in +the List of Illustrations, and the order of illustrations may not be the +same in the List of Illustrations and in the book. + +Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. + +On page 25, "o" was changed to "to". + +On page 25, "Isi" was changed to "Is it". + +On page 31, a quotation mark was added before "'DOWN WITH". + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. +VOL. 107. +JUNE 21, 1894. + + * * * * * + + A RIVERSIDE LAMENT. + + In my garden, where the rose + By the hundred gaily blows, + And the river freshly flows + Close to me, + I can spend the summer day + In a quite idyllic way; + Simply charming, you would say, + Could you see. + + I am far from stuffy town, + Where the soots meander down, + And the air seems--being brown-- + Close to me. + I am far from rushing train; + _Bradshaw_ does not bore my brain, + Nor, comparatively plain, + _A B C_. + + To my punt I can repair, + If the weather's fairly fair, + But one grievance I have there; + Close to me, + As I sit and idly dream, + Clammy corpses ever seem + Floating down the placid stream + To the sea. + + Though the boats that crowd the lock-- + Such an animated block!-- + Bring gay damsels, quite a flock, + Close to me, + Yet I heed not tasty togs, + When, as motionless as logs, + Float defunct and dismal dogs + There _aussi_. + + As in Egypt at a feast, + With each party comes at least + One sad corpse, departed beast, + Close to me; + Till a Canon might go off, + Till a Dean might swear or scoff, + Or a Bishop--tip-top toff + In a see. + + Floating to me from above, + If it stick, with gentle shove, + To my neighbour, whom I love, + Close to me, + I send on each gruesome guest. + Should I drag it out to rest + In my garden? No, I'm blest! + _Non, merci!_ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE 'ARDEN-ING PROCESS. + +_Orlando._ "TIRED, ROSALIND?" _Rosalind._ "PNEUMATICALLY."] + + * * * * * + + OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"For a modest dish of camp-pie, suited to barracks and youth militant, +commend me," quoth one of the Baron's Baronites, "to _Only a +Drummer-Boy_, a maiden effort, and unpretentious, like its author, who +calls himself ARTHUR AMYAND, but is really Captain ARTHUR DRUMMER +HAGGARD. He has the rare advantage, missed by most people who write +soldier novels, of knowing what he is talking about. If there are faults +'to pardon in the drawing's lines,' they are faults of technique and not +of anatomy." "The Court is with you," quoth the BARON DE B.-W. + + * * * * * + +HOTEL NOTE.--The _chef_ at every Gordon Hotel ought to be a "_Gordon +Bleu_." + + * * * * * + + THE VOLUNTEER'S VADE MECUM. + + (_Bisley Edition._) + +_Question._ What is the ambition of every rifleman? + +_Answer._ To become an expert marksman. + +_Q._ How is this to be done? + +_A._ By practice at the regimental butts (where such accommodation +exists), and appearing at Bisley. + +_Q._ Is the new site of the National Rifle Association better than the +last? + +_A._ Certainly, for those who come to Bisley intend to shoot. + +_Q._ But did any one turn up at Wimbledon for any purpose other than +marksmanship? + +_A._ Yes, for many of those who occupied the tents used their _marquees_ +merely as a suitable resting-place for light refreshments. + +_Q._ Is there anything of that kind at Bisley? + +_A._ Not much, as the nearest place of interest is a crematorium, and +the most beautiful grounds in the neighbourhood belong to a cemetery. + +_Q._ Then the business of Bisley is shooting? + +_A._ Distinctly. Without the rifle, the place would be as melancholy as +its companion spot, Woking. + +_Q._ In this place of useful work, what is the first object of the +marksman? + +_A._ To score heavily, if possible; but, at any rate, to score. + +_Q._ Is it necessary to appear in uniform? + +_A._ That depends upon the regulations commanding the prize +competitions. + +_Q._ What is uniform? + +_A._ As much or as little of the dress of a corps that a judge will +order a marksman to adopt. + +_Q._ If some marksmen were paraded with their own corps, how would they +look? + +_A._ They would appear to be a sorry sight. + +_Q._ Why would they appear to be a sorry sight? + +_A._ Because over a tunic would appear a straw hat, and under a +pouch-belt fancy tweed trousers. + +_Q._ But surely if the Volunteers are anxious to improve themselves they +will practise "smartness"? + +_A._ But they do not want to promote smartness; they want to win cups, +or the value of cups. + +_Q._ What is the greatest reward that a marksman can obtain? + +_A._ Some hundreds of pounds. + +_Q._ And the smallest? + +_A._ A dozen of somebody's champagne, or a box of someone else's soap. + +_Q._ Under all the circumstances of the case, what would be an +appropriate rule for Bisley? + +_A._ Look after the cup-winning, and everything else will take care of +itself. + + * * * * * + + LATEST PARLIAMENTARY BETTING. + + GENERAL ELECTION STAKES. + + 2 to 1 on Rosebery and Ladas (coupled). + 25 to 1 agst Harcourt's Resignation. + 50 to 1 -- Nonconformist Conscience. + 70 to 1 -- Budget Bill (off--75 to 1 taken). + 100 to 1 -- Ministerial Programme. + + FOR PLACES (NEXT SESSION STAKES). + + 2 to 1 on Asquith for the Leadership. + 12 to 1 agst the Labouchere Peerage. + + NEW PREMIERSHIP SELLING STAKES. + + 12 to 1 on Gladstone Redivivus. + 200 to 1 agst any other. + + * * * * * + + AS WE LIKE IT. + + (JAQUES _resumes_.) + + --All the world's upon the stage, + And here and there you really get a player: + The exits rather than the entrances + Are regulated by the County Council; + And one man in a season sees a lot-- + Seven plays a week, including _matinees_, + And several acts in each. And first the infant, + A vernal blossom of the Garrick Caste, + Playing the super in his bassinet, + And innocently causing some chagrin + To Mr. ECCLES. Then there's _Archibald_, + _New Boy_, and nearly father to the man, + With mourning on his face and kicks behind, + Returning under strong connubial stress + Unwillingly to school. And next the lover, + Sighing like ALEXANDER for fresh fields, + And plunging wofully to win a kiss, + Even to his very eyebrows. Then the soldier, + Armed with strange maxims and a carpet-bag, + Cock-Shaw in military ironies, + And blowing off the bubbling repartee + With chocolate in his mouth. And next is _Falstaff_, + In fair round belly with good bolsters lined, + Full of wide sores, and badly cut about + By Windsor hussies,--modern instances + Of the revolting woman. Sixthly, _Charley's Aunt_. + Now ancient as the earth, and shifting still + The Penley pantaloons for ladies' gear, + Her fine heroic waist a world too wide + For the slim corset, and her manly lips, + Tuned to the treble of a maiden's pipe, + Grasping a big cigar. Last scene of all, + The season's close and mere oblivion; + Away to Europe and the provinces; + And London left forlorn without them all, + _Sans-Gene_, _Santuzza_, yea, _sans_ everything. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A GOOD TIME COMING!" + +_British Farmer ("playing a game of mixed chance and skill with +Nature")_ "I DO BELIEVE MY LUCK'S ON THE TURN!"] + + * * * * * + + "A GOOD TIME COMING!" + + (_And it HAS been a good time coming._) + + ["The game of mixed chance and skill which the farmer plays each + year with Nature is still undecided; but, if the farmer wins, + his winnings will be large indeed." + --_The "Times" on Farming Prospects._] + + _British Farmer, loq.:_-- + + Bless my old bones!--they're weary ones, wherefore I takes small + shame-- + For the first time for many a year mine _looks_ a winning game! + A "bumper" harvest? Blissful thought! For long I've been fair stuck, + But now I really hope I see a change in my bad luck. + True, my opponent is a chap 'tis doosed hard to match. + I seed a picture once of one a playing 'gainst Old Scratch, + And oftentimes I feels like that, a-sticking all together, + Against that demon-dicer whom we know as British Weather! + What use of ploughs and patience, boys, or skill, and seed, and + sickle, + 'Gainst frost, and rain, and blighted grain, and all that's foul and + fickle? + When the fly is on the turmuts, and the blight is on the barley, + And meadows show like sodden swamps, a farmer do get snarley. + But now the crops from hay to hops show promising of plenty, + A-doubling last year's average, plus a extry ten or twenty. + And straw is good, uncommon so, and barley, wheat and oats, Sir, + Make a rare show o'er whose rich glow the long-tried farmer gloats, + Sir! + Beans ain't so bad, spite o' May frosts; turnips and swedes look + topping; + Though the frost and fly the mangolds try, and the taters won't be + whopping. + Those poor unlucky taters! If there's any mischief going, + They cop their share, and how they'll fare this year there ain't no + knowing; + And peas is good, and hops is bad, or baddish. But, by jingo! + The sight o' the hay as I saw to-day is as good as a glass of stingo. + Pastures and meadows promise prime, well nigh the country over, + Though them as depend on their clover-crop will hardly be in clover. + But take 'em all, the big and small, the cereals, roots, and grasses, + There's a lump o' cheer for the farmers' hearts, and the farmers' + wives and lasses; + If only him I'm playing against--well, p'r'aps I'd best be civil,-- + If he isn't JEMMY SQUAREFOOT though, he has the _luck_ o' the divil. + With his rain and storm and cold and hot, and his host of insect + horrors, + He has the pull, and our bright to-days may be spiled by black + to-morrers. + A cove like him with looks so grim, and flies, and such philistians, + Is no fair foe for farmer chaps as is mortial men and Christians. + Look at him damply glowering there with a eye like a hungry vulture! + With his blights at hand, and his floods to command, he's the scourge + of Agriculture. + But howsomever, although he's clever, luck's all, and mine seems + turning, + Oh! for a few more fair fine weeks, not swamped, nor yet too burning, + When the sun shines sweet on the slanting wheat, with the bees through + the clover humming, + And us farmer chaps with a cheery heart _will_ sing "_There's a good + time coming!_" + + * * * * * + + A MODERN MADAME. + + (_According to the New School of Teachers._) + +She believes in nothing but herself, and never accepts her own +personality seriously. + +She has aspirations after the impossible, and is herself far from +probable; she regards her husband as an unnecessary evil, and her +children as disturbances without compensating advantages. + +She writes more than she reads and seldom scribbles anything. + +She has no feelings, and yet has a yearning after the intense. + +She is the antithesis of her grandmother, and has made further +development in generations to come quite impossible. + +She thinks without the thoughts of a male, and yet has lost the +comprehension of a female. + +To sum up, she is hardly up to the standard of a man, and yet has sunk +several fathoms below the level of a woman. + + * * * * * + +MEM. AT LORD'S DURING THE ETON AND HARROW, FRIDAY, JULY 13. (_It rained +the better part, which became the worse part, of the day._)--Not much +use trying to do anything with any "match" in the wet. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: TO GOLFERS. + +SUGGESTION FOR A RAINY DAY. SPILLIKINS ON A GRAND SCALE.] + + * * * * * + + WHAT WE MAY EXPECT SOON. + +_By Our Own Wire._--Dispute broken out between local employer of +labour--Shoemaker with two apprentices--and his hands. One apprentice +won't work with t'other. Shoemaker locked out both. + +_Later News._--Dispute developing. Amalgamated Association of Trade +Unions sent fifty thousand men with rifles into town. Also park of +artillery. Arbitration suggested. + +_Special Telegram._--Federated Society of Masters occupying Market Place +and principal streets with Gatling guns. Expresses itself willing to +accept Arbitration in principle. + +_A Day After._--Conflicts to-day between opposing forces. Streets +resemble battle-field. Authorities announce--"will shortly act with +vigour." Enrolled ten extra policemen. Police, including extra ten, +captured by rioters, and locked up in their own cells. Business--except +of undertakers--at standstill. + +_Latest Developments._--More conflicts, deaths, outrages, incendiarism. +Central Government telegraphs to Shoemaker to take back both apprentices +to stop disastrous disorder. No reply. Shoemaker and both apprentices +been killed in riots. + +_Close of the Struggle._--Stock of gunpowder exhausted. Both sides +inclined to accept compromise. Board of Conciliation formed. Survivors +of employers and employed shake hands. Town irretrievably ruined, but +peace firmly re-established. + + * * * * * + +WHAT! ALREADY!--"I'm afraid," said Mrs. R., "that the new Tower Bridge +is in a bad way. I hear it said, of course I do not know with what +truth, that it has 'bascules.' Now weren't they the insects that +destroyed the crops one year and gave so many persons the influenza? I +think you'll find I'm right." + + * * * + +EPIGRAMMATIC DESCRIPTION, BY A BILLIARD PLAYER, OF THE SELECTION OF THE +CHIEF MINSTREL TO BE THE RECIPIENT OF A PRIZE AT THE RECENT +EISTEDDFOD.--"_Spot Bard._" + + * * * + +ACCIDENTS IN OUR ROTTENEST ROTTEN ROW.--The sooner the cause (_i.e._ +Rotten Row itself) of the numerous complaints is _well grounded_, the +better for the equestrians. + + * * * + +NATIONAL REFLECTION (SUGGESTED BY RECENT YACHT-RACE).--It is of small +use BRITANNIA being BRITANNIA unless she be also Vigilant. + + * * * * * + + LYRE AND LANCET. + + (_A Story in Scenes._) + + PART III.--THE TWO ANDROMEDAS. + + SCENE III.--_Opposite a Railway Bookstall at a London Terminus._ + TIME--_Saturday_, 4.25 P.M. + +_Drysdale_ (_to his friend_, GALFRID UNDERSHELL, _whom he is "seeing +off"_). Twenty minutes to spare; time enough to lay in any quantity of +light literature. + +_Undershell (in a head voice)._ I fear the merely ephemeral does not +appeal to me. But I should like to make a little experiment. (_To the +Bookstall Clerk._) A--do you happen to have a copy left of CLARION +BLAIR'S _Andromeda_? + +_Clerk._ Not in stock, Sir. Never 'eard of the book, but daresay I could +get it for you. Here's a Detective Story we're sellin' like 'ot +cakes--_The Man with the Missing Toe_--very cleverly written story, Sir. + +[Illustration: "Here 's a detective story we're sellin' like 'ot +cakes."] + +_Und._ I merely wished to know--that was all. (_Turning with resigned +disgust to_ DRYSDALE.) Just think of it, my dear fellow. At a bookstall +like this one feels the pulse, as it were, of Contemporary Culture; and +here my _Andromeda_, which no less an authority than the _Daily +Chronicle_ hailed as the uprising of a new and splendid era in English +Songmaking, a Poetic Renascence, my poor _Andromeda_ is trampled +underfoot by--(_choking_)--Men with Missing Toes! What a satire on our +so-called Progress! + +_Drys._ That a purblind public should prefer a Shilling Shocker for +railway reading when for a modest half-guinea they might obtain a +numbered volume of Coming Poetry on hand-made paper! It _does_ seem +incredible,--but they do. Well, if they can't read _Andromeda_ on the +journey, they can at least peruse a stinger on it in this week's +_Saturday_. Seen it? + +_Und._ No. I don't vex my soul by reading criticisms on my work. I am no +KEATS. They may howl--but they will not kill _me_. By the way, the +_Speaker_ had a most enthusiastic notice last week. + +_Drys._ So you saw _that_ then? But you're right not to mind the others. +When a fellow's contrived to hang on to the Chariot of Fame, he can't +wonder if a few rude and envious beggars call out "Whip behind!" eh? You +don't want to get in yet? Suppose we take a turn up to the end of the +platform. [_They do._ + + JAMES SPURRELL, M.R.C.V.S., _enters with his friend_, THOMAS + TANRAKE, _of_ HURDELL AND TANRAKE, _Job and Riding Masters, + Mayfair_. + +_Spurrell._ Yes, it's lucky for me old SPAVIN being laid up like +this--gives me a regular little outing, do you see? going down to a +swell place like this Wyvern Court, and being put up there for a day or +two! I shouldn't wonder if they do you very well in the housekeeper's +room. (_To_ Clerk.) Give me a _Pink 'Un_ and last week's _Dog Fancier's +Guide_. + +_Clerk._ We've returned the unsold copies. Could give you _this_ week's; +or there's _The Rabbit and Poultry Breeder's Journal_. + +_Spurr._ Oh, rabbits be blowed! (To TANRAKE.) I wanted you to see that +notice they put in of _Andromeda_ and me, with my photo and all; it said +she was the best bull-bitch they'd seen for many a day, and fully +deserved her first prize. + +_Tanrake._ She's a rare good bitch, and no mistake. But what made you +call her such an outlandish name? + +_Spurr._ Well, I _was_ going to call her _Sal_; but a chap at the +College thought the other would look more stylish if I ever meant to +exhibit her. _Andromeda_ was one of them Roman goddesses, you know. + +_Tanr._ Oh, I knew _that_ right enough. Come and have a drink before you +start--just for luck--not that you want _that_. + +_Spurr._ I'm lucky enough in most things, TOM; in everything except +love. I told you about that girl, you know--EMMA--and my being as good +as engaged to her, and then, all of a sudden, she went off abroad and +I've never seen or had a line from her since. Can't call _that_ luck, +you know. Well, I won't say no to a glass of something. + + [_They disappear into the Refreshment Room._ + + _The_ Countess of CANTIRE _enters with her daughter_, + Lady MAISIE MULL. + +_Lady Cantire_ (_to_ Footman). Get a compartment for us, and two +foot-warmers, and a second-class as near ours as you can for PHILLIPSON; +then come back here. Stay, I'd better give you PHILLIPSON'S ticket. +(_The_ Footman _disappears in the crowd._) Now we must get something to +read on the journey. (_To_ Clerk.) I want a book of some sort--no +rubbish, mind; something serious and improving, and _not_ a work of +fiction. + +_Clerk._ Exactly so, Ma'am. Let me see. Ah, here's _Alone with the 'Airy +Ainoo_. How would you like _that_? + +_Lady Cant._ (_with decision_). I should not like it at all. + +_Clerk._ I quite understand. Well, I can give you _Three 'Undred Ways of +Dressing the Cold Mutton_--useful little book for a family, redooced to +one and ninepence. + +_Lady Cant._ Thank you. I think I will wait until I am reduced to one +and ninepence. + +_Clerk._ Precisely. What do you say to _Seven 'Undred Side-splitters for +Sixpence_? 'Ighly yumorous, I assure you. + +_Lady Cant._ Are these times to split our sides, with so many serious +social problems pressing for solution? You are presumably not without +intelligence; do you never reflect upon the responsibility you incur in +assisting to circulate trivial and frivolous trash of this sort? + +_Clerk_ (_dubiously_). Well, I can't say as I do, particular, Ma'am. I'm +paid to sell the books--I don't _select_ 'em. + +_Lady Cant._ That is _no_ excuse for you--you ought to exercise some +discrimination on your own account, instead of pressing people to buy +what can do them no possible good. You can give me a _Society Snippets_. + +_Lady Maisie._ Mamma! A penny paper that says such rude things about the +Royal Family! + +_Lady Cant._ It's always instructive to know what these creatures are +saying about one, my dear, and it's astonishing how they manage to find +out the things they do. Ah, here's GRAVENER coming back. He's got us a +carriage, and we'd better get in. + + [_She and her daughter enter a first-class compartment_; + UNDERSHELL _and_ DRYSDALE _return_. + +_Drys._ (_to_ UNDERSHELL). Well, I don't see now where the insolence +comes in. These people have invited you to stay with them---- + +_Und._ But why? Not because they appreciate my work--which they probably +only half understand--but out of mere idle curiosity to see what manner +of strange beast a Poet may be! And _I_ don't know this Lady +CULVERIN--never met her in my life! What the deuce does she mean by +sending me an invitation? Why should these smart women suppose that they +are entitled to send for a Man of Genius, as if he was their _lackey?_ +Answer me that! + +_Drys._ Perhaps the delusion is encouraged by the fact that Genius +occasionally condescends to answer the bell. + +_Und._ (_reddening_). Do you imagine I am going down to this place +simply to please _them_? + +_Drys._ I should think it a doubtful kindness, in your present frame of +mind; and, as you are hardly going to please yourself, wouldn't it be +more dignified, on the whole, not to go at all? + +_Und._ You never _did_ understand me! Sometimes I think I was born to +be misunderstood! But you might do me the justice to believe that +I am not going from merely snobbish motives. May I not feel that +such a recognition as this is a tribute less to my poor self than to +Literature, and that, as such, I have scarcely the _right_ to decline +it? + +_Drys._ Ah, if you put it in that way, I am silenced, of course. + +_Und._ Or what if I am going to show these Patricians that--Poet of the +People as I am--they can neither patronise nor cajole me? + +_Drys._ Exactly, old chap--what if you _are_? + +_Und._ I don't say that I may not have another reason--a--a rather +romantic one--but you would only sneer if I told you! I know you think +me a poor creature whose head has been turned by an undeserved success. + +_Drys._ You're not going to try to pick a quarrel with an old chum, are +you? Come, you know well enough I don't think anything of the sort. I've +always said you had the right stuff in you, and would show it some day; +there are even signs of it in _Andromeda_ here and there; but you'll do +better things than that, if you'll only let some of the wind out of your +head. I like you, old fellow, and that's just why it riles me to see you +taking yourself so devilish seriously on the strength of a little volume +of verse which has been "boomed" for all it's worth, and considerably +more. You've only got your immortality on a short repairing lease at +present, old boy! + +_Und._ (_with bitterness_). I am fortunate in possessing such a candid +friend. But I mustn't keep you here any longer. + +_Drys._ Very well. I suppose you're going first? Consider the feelings +of the CULVERIN footman at the other end! + +_Und._ (_as he fingers a first-class ticket in his pocket_). You have a +very low view of human nature! (_Here he remarks a remarkably pretty +face at a second-class window close by._) As it _happens_, I am +travelling second. [_He gets in._ + +_Drys._ (_at the window_). Well, good-bye, old chap. Good luck to you at +Wyvern, and remember--wear your livery with as good a grace as possible. + +_Und._ I do not intend to wear any livery whatever. + + [_The owner of the pretty face regards_ UNDERSHELL _with interest._ + +_Spurr_. (_coming out of the Refreshment Room_). What, second? with all +my exes. paid? Not _likely_! I'm going to travel in style this journey. +No--not a smoker; don't want to create a bad impression, you know. This +will do for me. + + [_He gets into a compartment occupied by_ Lady CANTIRE _and her + daughter._ + +_Tanr._ (_at the window_). There--you're off now. Pleasant journey to +you, old man. Hope you'll enjoy yourself at this Wyvern Court you're +going to--and I say, don't forget to send me that notice of _Andromeda_ +when you get back! + + [_The_ Countess _and_ Lady MAISIE _start slightly; the train moves + out of the station._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: 'ARRY AT BISLEY. + +'_Arry_ (_to 'Arriet_). "OH, I SY! WHAT SEEDS THEM MUST BE TO GROW A +LAMP-POST!"] + + * * * * * + + THE LATEST GREAT YACHT RACE. + + (_By our own Nautical Special._) + +DEAR SIR,--The captain went on board the gallant _Naughty Lass_ with his +Wind Lass. A Wind Lass is short for "Winn'd Lass," _i.e._ a Lass he has +won. I think her name is "POLL." The Captain says he is always true to +her, and nothing will ever induce him to leave his dear Wind Lass ashore +when he's afloat. Noble sentiment, but unpractical. The fact is (as +whispered) the Wind Lass is jealous of the _Naughty Lass_, and won't let +the Captain go alone. When the other Captain went on board the rival of +the gallant _Naughty Lass_, the _Anne Nemone_, and "the crafty ones," as +they call the sailors "in the know," were ready to bet any money on the +_Anne Nemone_. Both cutters "cut" (hence the name) well away from each +other at the start, and a fresh breeze coming up (the stale one had been +got rid of) there was a lot of fore-reaching, until the Captain, who is +an old hand at this sort of thing, sent round steward with brandy. "All +hands for grog!" was then the order of the day, and we just managed to +clear Muddle Point, leaving the home-marked (or "home-made," I forget +which is the technical term, but I suppose the latter, as she was built +on the neighbouring premises) boat well to windward. After a free reach +in this weather down to Boot Shore--where the vessel heeled over a bit, +but nothing to speak of, as it was soon remedied by a cobble that was +close at hand--the _Naughty Lass_ lifted her head-sails, and away we +went for Incog Bay, where nobody knew us, or we should have been +received with three times three. + +At this moment the _Anne Nemone_, racing close to us, let out a right +good "gybe," which was in execrable taste, I admit, but which ought not +to have called for any retort from the captain's Wind Lass, who gave it +her hot and strong, and threatened to haul her over the coal-scuttlers. +Fortunately we were away again, and there was no time for opposite +gybes. (I spell "gybes" in the old English nautical fashion, but, as I +ascertain, it is precisely the same as "jibes.") Sailors' language is a +bit odd; they don't mean anything, I know--it's only professional; +still, as reporting the matter to ears polite, I scarcely like to set +down in full _all_ I heard. At 1 P.M. all hands were piped for luncheon, +and we had spinnakers cooked in their skins (they are a sort of bean), +with a rare nautical dish called "Booms and Bacon." Fine! I did enjoy +it! But then I'm an old hand at this sort of thing,--luncheon on board, +I mean; for there's scarcely a board, be it sea board or other board, +or, in fact, any boarding establishment, that I don't know. But "yeo ho! +my boys! and avast!" for are we not still racing? We are!! + +We passed The Bottle at 2.30 P.M. What had become of the _Anne Nemone_ I +don't know, and probably we should never have seen her again had not our +captain, who was trying to sight the port after passing The Bottle, +stood on the wrong tack, which ran into his boot and hurt him awfully. +He was carried below, and we gathered round him as he turned to the +_Naughty Lass_ and murmured--but POLLY objected that there was nothing +to murmur about or to grumble at, and that the sooner he stumbled on +deck the better it would be for the race. So up rose our brave captain, +took a stiff draught of weather bilge (which is the best preventive of +sea-sickness), and calling for his first mate, Mr. JACK YARD TOPSAIL, +told him to "stand away," which I could quite understand, for JACK YARD +TOPSAIL is a regular salt, full of tar, rum, 'baccy, and everything that +can make life sweet to _him_, but not to his immediate neighbours. So +"stand away" and not "stand by" it was, and when we got to Squeams Bay +the sailors took a short hitch (it is necessary occasionally--but I +cannot say more--lady-readers being present), and we went streaking away +like a side of bacon on a fine day. + +"Are we winning?" asks POLLY, the Wind Lass. "_You_ look winning!" I +reply, politely. "By how much?" she inquires, just tucking up her +skirts, and showing a trim ankle. The Captain, with his glass to his +eye, and looking down, answers, "The fifth of a long leg!" I never saw a +woman so angry! "I haven't!" she exclaimed; and there would have been a +row, and we should never have won, as we did splendidly, had not the +"First Officer" (just as they name the supernumeraries in a play) come +up and reminded Pretty POLLY that she wasn't the only mate the Captain +had on board. "Where's the other?" she cried, in a fury. "Below!" +answered the First Officer, and down went POLLY, not to re-appear again +until all was over, and our victorious binnacle was waving proudly from +the fore-top-gallant. At the finish we went clean into harbour, without +a speck on our forecastle, or a stain on our character. I wire you the +account of this great race, and am (Rule BRITANNIA!) + Yours, + "EVERY OTHER INCH A SAILOR!" + +P.S.--I am informed that after I left the vessel--in fact it was next +day--a Burgee was run up at the mast head. I suppose some sort of +court-martial was held first, and that the Burgee (poor wretch!) was +caught red-handed. Still, in these days, this sort of proceeding does +sound rather tyrannical. High-masted justice, eh? Well, sea-dogs will be +sea-dogs. I don't exactly know what a Burgee is, but I fancy he is +something between a Buccaneer and a Bargee; a sort of river-and-sea +pirate. But I fear it is a landsman!! Burgee, masculine (and probably +husband) of Burgess!! If so, there _will_ be a row! + YOURS AS BEFORE THE MAST. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A FRIEND IN NEED--" + +ANARCHIST. "'ELP! 'ELP! PER-LICE!!" + +CONSTABLE. "'DOWN WITH EVERYTHING,' INDEED! LUCKY FOR _YOU_ YOU HAVEN'T +'DOWN'D' _ME_!!"] + + * * * * * + + A FRIEND IN NEED; + + _Or, The Lawbreaker's Last Refuge._ + + Sure stranger irony life never saw + Than Lawlessness low suppliant to the Law! + + _Guardian of Order soliloquiseth:_-- + + "Down with Everything!" Ah, yes! + That's the sort o' rot you jaw! + You'd be in a tidy mess + If you'd downed with good old Law. + Funniest job we have to do, + Is to "save" such scamps as you. + + "Down with Everything!" Spout on! + I, who stand for Law, stand by. + You may want me ere you've done. + Somethink in that workman's eye, + And the clenching of his fist, + Ought to put you on the twist. + + Think you're fetching of 'em fine + With your tommy-rotten patter? + Think you've got 'em in a line, + Or as near as doesn't matter? + Won't you feel in a rare stew + If they take to downing _you_? + + Downing is a sort o' game + Two can play at _here_--thanks be! + Spin your lead out! Don't let shame, + Common sense, or courtesy, + Put the gag on your red rag; + Flourish it--like your Red Flag! + + How they waggle, flag and tongue! + Proud o' that same bit of bunting? + See the glances on you flung? + Hear the British workman grunting? + He is none too fond, that chap, + Of rank rot and the Red Cap! + + Perched upon a noodle's nob, + Minds me of an organ-monkey!-- + If a workman will not _rob_, + You denounce him as a "flunkey." + Some of 'em know what that means. + Mind your eye! They'll give you beans! + + Ah! I thought so. Gone too fur! + Set the British Workman booing. + "_Dirty dog!!!_" That riles you, Sir! + Better mind what you are doing! + Mug goes saffron now, with fear, + Round you glare! Yes, Law _is_ here! + + Show your teeth, shark-like and yellow! + You won't frighten them, or me. + Ah! there comes the true mob-bellow! + That means mischief--as you see. + Mob, when mettled, goes a squelcher + For Thief, Anarchist _or_ Welsher. + + "Help! Perlice!!" Oh! _that_'s your cry! + _I'm_ your friend, then,--at a pinch? + Funk first taste of Anarchy? + Law is better than--Judge Lynch? + Rummy this! For all his jaw + The lawbreaker flies to Law! + + Good as a sensation novel + For to see you crouching there. + Can't these Red Flag heroes grovel? + Come, my Trojan, have a care. + Do not clasp Law's legs that way, + Like _Scum Goodman_ in the play. + + Help? Oh, yes; I'll help you--out!-- + "_Stand back there, please! Pass along!_" + Come, get up! _Now_ don't you doubt + If your "downing" dodge ain't wrong? + Anyhow 'tis, you'll agree, + Lucky for _you_--you've not downed _me_! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT OUR ARTIST HAS TO PUT UP WITH. + +_Madame la Baronne_ (_who WILL speak English_). "AND TELL ME, MISTRESS +BROWN, YOUR CLEVARE 'USBAND, WHO 'AVE A SO BEAUTIFUL TALENT--IS HE YET +OF ZE ROYAL ACADEMY?" + +_Our Artist's Wife_ (_who WILL speak French_). "OH NON, MADAME, HELAS! +SEULEMENT, IL EST _PENDU_ CETTE ANNEE, VOUS SAVEZ!" + +_Madame la Baronne_ (_relapsing into her native language_). +"OH--MADAME--QUELLE AFFREUSE NOUVELLE!"] + + A MIDSUMMER DAY-DREAM. + + [_The Jackson-Harmsworth Expedition has started._] + + PUNCH sleeps. The cheerful Sage has heard + That JACKSON is about to start. + His sympathies are warmly stirred, + He hath the _Windward's_ weal at heart. + He dreams: That block of dinner ice + Stirs arctic fancies in his breast. + He travels Pole-ward in a trice; + He joins the JACKSON-HARMSWORTH quest. + + * * * + + "All precious things, discovered late + To those that seek them issue forth."-- + To find her may be JACKSON'S fate, + That Sleeping Beauty of the North! + She lieth in her icy cave + As still as sleep, as white as death. + Her look might stagger the most brave, + And make the stoutest hold his breath. + + "The bodies and the bones of those + That strove in other days to pass," + Are scattered o'er the spreading snows, + Are bleached about that sea of glass. + He gazes on the silent dead: + "They perished in their daring deeds." + The proverb flashes through his head, + "The many fail: the one succeeds." + + * * * + + _Punch_ wakes: lo! it is but a dream-- + A vision of the Frozen Sea; + Yet may be it may hold a gleam + Of prophecy. So mote it be! + To JACKSON and to HARMSWORTH too + He brims a well-earnt bumper. "Skoal!" + Here's health to them and their brave crew! + And safe return from well-won goal! + + * * * * * + + THE MINX.--A POEM IN PROSE. + + [Illustration] + +_Poet._ It's so good of you to see me. I merely wished to ask one or two +questions as to your career. You must have led a most interesting life. + +_Sphinx._ You are very inquisitive and extremely indiscreet, and I have +always carefully avoided being interviewed. However, go on. + +_Poet._ I believe you can read hieroglyphs? + +_Sphinx._ Oh yes; I _can_, fluently, But I never do. I assure you they +are not in the least amusing. + +_Poet._ No doubt you have talked with hippogriffs and basilisks? + +_Sphinx_ (_modestly_). I certainly _was_ in rather a smart set at one +time. As they say, I have "known better days." + +_Poet._ Did you ever have any conversation with THOTH? + +_Sphinx_ (_loftily_). Oh, dear no! (_Mimicking._) Thoth he wath not +conthidered quite a nice perthon. I would not allow him to be introduced +to me. + +_Poet._ You were very particular? + +_Sphinx._ One has to be careful. The world is so censorious. + +_Poet._ I wonder, would you give me the pleasure of singing to me? +"_Adrian's Gilded Barge_," for instance? + +_Sphinx._ You must really excuse me. I am not in good voice. By the way, +the "Gilded Barge," as you call it, was merely a shabby sort of punt. It +would have had no effect whatever at the Henley Regatta. + +_Poet._ Dear me! Is it true you played golf among the Pyramids? + +_Sphinx_ (_emphatically_). Perfectly untrue. You see what absurd reports +get about! + +_Poet_ (_softly_). They do. What was that story about the Tyrian? + +_Sphinx._ Merely gossip. There was nothing in it, I assure you. + +_Poet._ And APIS? + +_Sphinx._ Oh, he sent me some flowers, and there were paragraphs about +it--in hieroglyphs--in the society papers. That was all. But they were +contradicted. + +_Poet._ You knew AMMON very well, I believe? + +_Sphinx_ (_frankly_). AMMON and I _were_ great pals. I used to see +a good deal of him. He came in to tea very often--he was _quite_ +interesting. But I have not seen him for a long time. He had one +fault--he _would_ smoke in the drawing-room. And though I hope I am not +too conventional, I really could not allow _that_. + +_Poet._ How pleased they would all be to see you again! Why do you not +go over to Egypt for the winter? + +_Sphinx._ The hotels at Cairo are so dreadfully expensive. + +_Poet._ Is it true you went tunny-fishing with ANTONY? + +_Sphinx._ One must draw the line somewhere! CLEOPATRA was so cross. She +was horribly jealous, and not nearly so handsome as you might suppose, +though she _was_ photographed as a "type of Egyptian Beauty!" + +_Poet._ I must thank you very much for the courteous way in which you +have replied to my questions. And now will you forgive me if I make an +observation? In my opinion you are not a Sphinx at all. + +_Sphinx_ (_indignantly_). What am I, then? + +_Poet._ A Minx. + + * * * * * + + THE LAY OF THE EXPLORER. + + I USED to think that if a man + In any character could score a + Distinctly leonine success, + 'Twould be as a returned explorer. + + So, when by sixteen tigers tree'd, + Or when mad elephants were charging, + I joyed to say--"On this, some day, + My countrymen will be enlarging." + + And when mosquitoes buzzed and bit + (For 'tis their pleasing nature to), + Or fevers floored me, still this dream + Helped me to suffer and to do. + + I _have_ returned! Whole dusky tribes + I've wiped right out--such labour sweet is!-- + And with innumerable chiefs + Arranged unconscionable treaties. + + What's the result? I have become + A butt for each humanitarian, + Who call my exploits in the chase + The work of a "confessed barbarian." + + And, worst of all, my rival, JONES, + Who'd any trick that's low and mean dare, + Cries--"Equatorial jungles! Pish! + I don't believe he's ever been there!" + + So now I just "explore" Herne Bay, + With trippers, niggers, nurses, babies: + I've tried for fame. I 've gained it, too: + I share it with the vanished JABEZ! + + * * * * * + +NOTE AND QUERY.--At Aldershot the QUEEN expressed herself much pleased +with the "tattoo" all round. "IGNORAMUS" writes to inquire "if +'tattoo-ing' is done in Indian ink or with gunpowder?" + + * * * * * + + RULE, "BRITANNIA." + + (_New Yachtical Version._) + + H.R.H. THE P----E OF W----S _sings_:-- + + When _Vigilant_, at GOULD'S command, + Came over here to sweep the main, + This was the lay that thrilled the land, + And Yankee Doodle loved the strain-- + Lick _Britannia!_ the fleet _Britannia_ lick! + And JOHNNY BULL may cut his stick. + + But _Vigilant_, less fast than thee, + Must in her turn before thee fall, + _Britannia_, who hast kept the sea, + The dread and envy of them all. + Win, _Britannia_! _Britannia_ rules the waves! + (Though by the narrowest of shaves.) + + Six races in succession show + The Yankee yacht has met her match; + Though she was hailed, not long ago, + The swiftest clipper of the batch. + Rule, _Britannia_! _Britannia_ rule the waves! + The most appropriate of staves! + + I'm sorry poor DUNRAVEN'S crack + So prematurely has gone down; + But mine has kept the winning tack, + And well upheld the isle's renown. + Rule, _Britannia_! &c. + + When JONATHAN thy match hath found, + He'll to our coasts again repair. + We'll have another friendly round, + With manly hearts and all things fair. + Rule, _Britannia_! _Britannia_ rules the waves, + Six sequent wins BULL'S honour saves! + + * * * * * + + TO ALTHEA IN THE STALLS. + + From the Orchestra as I was staring + So wearily down at the hall, + The programme I held hardly caring + To turn, I was tired of it all! + For I knew 'twas a futile endeavour + With music my trouble to drown, + And I'd made up my mind that you never, + Ah, never, would come back to town! + + When suddenly, there I beheld you + Yourself--ah, the joyous amaze! + I wonder what instinct impelled you + Your dreamy dark eyes to upraise, + That for one happy second's communing + Met mine that had waited so long-- + And the wail of the violins tuning + It turned to a jubilant song! + + 'Mid organ-chords sombre and mellow + There breaks out a ripple of glee, + And the voice of the violoncello, + ALTHEA, is pleading for me! + The music is beating and surging + With joy no _adagio_ can drown, + In ecstasy all things are merging-- + Because you have come back to town! + + * * * * * + +THE COREAN DIFFICULTY.--"_Japan declines to withdraw._"--(_Telegram, +Thursday, July 12_).--"Ah," observed Miss QUOTER, who is ever ready, +"that reminds me of BYRON'S line in _Mazeppa_, quite applicable to the +present situation-- + + 'Again he urges on his mild Corea.'" + + * * * + +NEW WORK (_by the Chief Druid Minstrel at the Eisteddfod, dedicated to +their Royal Highnesses_).--"_How to be Harpy in Wales._" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS. + +A CRICKET MATCH. "HOWS THAT, UMPIRE?"!!] + + * * * * * + + ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + + EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Lords, Monday, July 9._--PLAYFAIR'S leonine countenance +habitually cheerful. But never saw him looking so pleased as when we +walked through St. Stephen's Chapel on way to Lords just now. "From +point of view of old House of Commons man the Lords are, I admit, a +little unresponsive," my Lord said. "The chamber is, acoustically and +otherwise, the sepulchre of speech. You remember the little lecture on +margarine I delivered years ago in the Commons? Bless me, how delighted +the House was to see the table covered with small white pots containing +samples, with a bottle of best Dorset margarine hooked on to the Mace +for greater convenience of reference. Often I've enchained an audience +with my object lessons. Up to present time that monologue on margarine +ranks as most successful. But I'll beat the record to-night. See that?" +(Here he slapped a something bulging out from his trouser pocket.) +"Guess what that is? Thought you couldn't. It's cultch. Know what cultch +is?" + +"Not unless it's the beginning of knowledge," I said, drawing a bow, so +to speak, at a venture. "Positive cultch, comparative culture, eh?" + +PLAYFAIR stared at me vacantly. "Cultch----" he said; "but no, that's +part of the lecture. Come along to the Lords and hear it." + +[Illustration: Suggested Statues for the Vacant Niches in the Inner +Lobby. + +No. I.--"The Majesty of the Law!"] + +House not in condition particularly inspiring for lecturer. Benches +mostly empty; STANLEY of Alderley completed depletion by rambling +speech of half an hour's duration, modestly described in Orders as "a +question." Wanted to know how many lighthouses in England and Wales paid +Income Tax; how many were behindhand with their rates; were Death Duties +applicable to some of them; if so, which; and whether the tenants +compounded for rates or otherwise. These inquiries not without interest, +but STANLEY not chiefly remarkable for concentration of thought or +conciseness of phrase. + +At length PLAYFAIR'S turn came. A flutter of interest amongst Peers as +he was observed tugging at something in trousers pocket; hauled out what +looked like empty oyster shell. + +"Ah!" said HERSCHELL, smiling, "I see the lawyers have been before us." + +"In moving the Second Reading of the Sea Fisheries (Shell Fish) Bill, I +propose, if I may be permitted, to give your Lordships an object lesson. +This particular shell," PLAYFAIR continued, holding it up between finger +and thumb, "is covered all over with microscopic oysters. Oysters in all +stages of growth are seen there." + +"Well," said the MARQUIS OF CARABAS, "if one had a twenty billion +magnifying glass of the kind associated with the memory of _Sam Weller_, +perhaps we might see the oysters. All I can say is, I don't see any +worth three and sixpence a dozen. PLAYFAIR's no business to bring these +things down here, filling House with smell of stale seaweed when his +oysters are no bigger than a pin's head." + +The MARQUIS strode angrily forth. Others followed. Lecture cut short. + +_Business done._--Sea Fisheries (Shell Fish) Bill read a second time, +amid unexpectedly depressing circumstances. + +_House of Commons, Tuesday._--SQUIRE OF MALWOOD back after a week's +rustication. Brings glowing news of the hay crop; looks, indeed, as if +he had been helping to make it; ruddier than a cherry; indescribable but +unmistakable country air about him as he sits on Treasury Bench with +folded arms, listening to the monotonous ripple of talk renewed on +Budget Bill. + + "Rusticus expectat dum defluat amnis," + +says PRINCE ARTHUR, looking across at the rustic Squire. + + "_At ille_ + Labitur et labetur in omne volubilis aevum," + +added JOKIM, with approving glance at bench behind, where the Busy B.'s +swarm after week's rest, humming round amendments with increased vigour. + +Almost imperceptible movement of river goes forward. The blameless +BARTLEY on his feet, entrancing House with particulars of a silver +cup, prized heirloom in the humble household in Victoria Street. It +seems that one of BARTLEY'S ancestors--he who came over with the +Conqueror--had brought with him certain blades of buckwheat, which he +industriously planted out on the site, then a meadow, on which the Army +and Navy Stores now flourish. The buckwheat grew apace. One day King +STEPHEN, passing by on a palfrey, noted the waving green expanse. +Enquiring to whom the State was indebted for this fair prospect, a +courtier informed him that it was "the ancestor of GEORGE CHRISTOPHER +TROUT BARTLEY, Member for North Islington in the thirteenth Parliament +of Queen VICTORIA." + +"By our sooth," said the King, "he shall have a silver cup." + +One was forthwith requisitioned from the nearest silversmith's, and this +it is which now adorns the sideboard in the best parlour at St. +Margaret's House, Victoria Street, S.W. + +These interesting reminiscences of family history GEORGE CHRISTOPHER +TROUT recited to a charmed House in support of proposed new Clause, +moved by DICK WEBSTER, exempting from estate duty heirlooms under +settlement. SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, usually impervious to argument in favour +of alterations in his prized Budget, evidently moved. If BARTLEY had +only thought of bringing the cup with him, had at this moment produced +it from under his cloak, and flashed it forth on gaze of House, the +Clause would have been added, and the cup, Estate-duty free, would have +passed on through the ages, telling its simple story to successive +strata of the BARTLEY family. As it was, SQUIRE stood firm, and +WEBSTER'S Clause negatived. + +"Couldn't do it, my dear WEBSTER," the SQUIRE found opportunity of +saying, as he met disappointed legislator behind SPEAKER'S Chair. "Of +course I said the polite thing about BARTLEY'S Cup. But I wasn't +thinking of that. I know very well what you had in mind in bringing in +this Clause. The heirlooms you thought of are those cups and medals you +won for Cambridge when, twenty-nine years ago, you met the Oxford +Champion in the two-mile race, and in the one-mile spin. If we could do +something in the Schedules specially exempting them I should be glad. +Think it over, and see me later." + +WEBSTER wrung the SQUIRE'S hand, and passed on, saying nothing. There +are moments when speech is superfluous. 'Tis true, they don't often +occur in House of Commons; but here was one. Let us cherish its memory. + +_Business done._--Considering and negativing new Clauses to Budget Bill. + +_Thursday._--All the cheerfulness of to-day has brightened +Committee-room, where question of issue of Writ, following on +application for Chiltern Hundreds, is considered. The SQUIRE under +examination for nearly two hours and a-half. Difficult to say which the +more enjoyed it, the witness or the Committee. + +[Illustration: An Interesting Specimen. The Coleridge Caterpillar!] + +"What is the state of a Peer pending issue of Writ of Summons?" asked +the SQUIRE, suddenly taking to interrogate the Committee assembled to +question him. "Is he a caterpillar passing through a larva, spinning a +cocoon of silk until he reaches a condition where they toil not neither +do they spin?" (Here, quite by accident, his glance fell upon JOSEPH, +supposed to be sitting upon him in judicial capacity.) "There is," he +continued (and here he glanced at PRINCE ARTHUR, smiling at the sly hit +dealt at his dear friend JOE) "an opening for philosophic doubt as to +the precise condition of this impounded Peer in his intermediary state." + +The House still going about with millstone of Budget Bill round its +neck, BYRNE, BUTCHER, BEACH, BOWLES and BARTLEY tugging at it, +KENYON-SLANEY now and then uttering obvious truths with air of +supernatural wisdom. GRAND YOUNG GARDNER (address Board of Agriculture, +Whitehall Place, S.W.) hands me scrap of paper; says he found it near +SQUIRE'S seat on Treasury Bench; but it doesn't look like his writing: + + "Two modes there are, O BYRNE and BUTCHER, + Our gratitude to earn: + If BYRNE would only burn up BUTCHER, + Or BUTCHER butcher BYRNE; + Or both combine--yes, bless their souls-- + To burn and butcher TOMMY BOWLES!" + +_Business done._--Very little. + +_Friday._--TEMPLE going about much as if on Tuesday night he had got out +of his cab in the ordinary fashion. He didn't, you know. Taken out in +sections through the upper window by couple of stalwart policemen. This +owing to circumstance that Irish cab-driver having, after fashion of his +country, saved a trot for the avenue, dashed up against kerbstone and +overturned cab. + +"Gave me a start, of course," TEMPLE said, as we brushed him down. "Not +a convenient way of getting out of your hansom. What I was afraid of was +being disfigured. Am not a vain man, but don't mind telling you, TOBY, a +scratch or a scar on one's face would have been exceedingly annoying. +But I'm all right, as you see. Hope it isn't a portent. A small thing +that under this Government I should be overturned. What I fear is, that +unless we keep our eye on them they'll overturn the Empire." + +_Business done._--Not yet done with Budget. + + * * * * * + +FASHIONABLE INFORMATION AND SUGGESTION.--The Duke and Duchess of BEDFORD +having returned from Thorney will go to Beds;--a delightful change, that +is unless they are rose-beds, which are proverbially thorny. And "the +Duchess of ROXBURGHE goes to Floors." No Beds here; only Floors. Why not +combine the two establishments and get them both under one roof? + + * * * + +"_NIHIL tetiqit quod non ornavit_," as the prizefighter said of his +right fist, after blacking his opponent's eye and breaking the bridge of +his nose. + + * * * + +"The Knights of Labour" seem to be banded together against "Days of +Work." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CRUEL! + +_Lucullus Brown_ (_on hospitable purpose intent_). "ARE YOU DINING +ANYWHERE TO-MORROW NIGHT?" + +_Jones_ (_not liking to absolutely "give himself away"_). "LET ME +SEE"--(_considers_)--"NO; I'M NOT DINING ANYWHERE TO-MORROW." + +_Lucullus Brown_ (_seeing through the artifice_). "UM! POOR CHAP! HOW +HUNGRY YOU WILL BE!" + + ["_Exeunt,--severally._"] + + * * * * * + + THE ROYAL WELSH BARD. + + [The Prince of WALES was initiated as a Bard the other day at + the Carnarvon Eisteddfod.] + + The Minstrel-Prince to his Wales has gone, + In the ranks of the Bards you'll find him; + His bardic cloak he has girded on, + And his tame harp slung behind him. + "Land of Song!" said the Royal Bard, + "You remarkably rum-spelt land, you, + One Prince at least shall try very hard + To pronounce you, and understand you." + + The Prince tried hard, but the songs he heard + Very soon brought his proud soul under, + With twenty consonants packed in a word, + And no vowels to keep them asunder! + So he said to the Druid, "A word with you, + Your jaw must be hard as nails, Sir; + Your songs may do for the bold Cymru, + They've done for the Prince of WALES, Sir!" + + * * * * * + + GOOD WISHES. + + (_To Mr. and Mrs. J. M. Barrie on their Marriage, July 9, 1894._) + + "When authors venture on a play, + They have been known to find them undone, + But Mr. BARRIE found the way + To great success in _Walker, London_. + A ready TOOLE he'd close at hand, + And those who know her merry glance'll + Not find it hard to understand + How much was due to MARY ANSELL. + + Her acting in the House-boat Scene + Led Mr. BARRIE to discover + He'd lost his heart (although he'd _been_ + Of Lady NICOTINE a lover). + And those who felt sweet NANNY'S charm, + Or who in Thrums delight to tarry, + Long happy life, quite free from harm, + Will wish this new-formed firm of BARRIE. + + + + +Transcriber Notes: + +Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_. + +Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS. + +Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of +the speakers. Those words were retained as-is. + +The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up +paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate. Thus +the page number of the illustration might not match the page number in +the List of Illustrations, and the order of illustrations may not be the +same in the List of Illustrations and in the book. + +Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected +unless otherwise noted. + +On page 25, "o" was changed to "to". + +On page 25, "Isi" was changed to "Is it". + +On page 31, a quotation mark was added before "'DOWN WITH". + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +107, July 21st 1894, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 39770.txt or 39770.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/3/9/7/7/39770/ + +Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer, +Ernest Schaal and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team +at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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