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diff --git a/40454-8.txt b/40454-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 61696ba..0000000 --- a/40454-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,8836 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Frivolities, by Richard Marsh - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Frivolities - Especially Addressed to Those Who Are Tired of Being Serious - -Author: Richard Marsh - -Release Date: August 8, 2012 [EBook #40454] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FRIVOLITIES *** - - - - -Produced by Charles Bowen, from page scans provided by -Google Books (Oxford University) - - - - - - - - - - - -Transcriber's Notes: - - 1. Page scan source: - http://books.google.com/books?id=bUAPAAAAQAAJ&dq - (Oxford University) - - 2. The diphthong oe is represented by [oe]. - - - - - - FRIVOLITIES - - - - - - - _BY THE SAME AUTHOR_ - - * * * - - TOM OSSINGTON'S GHOST. - - _Crown 8vo, cloth, 3s. 6d_. - - With Illustrations by Harold Piffard - - * * * - - -_Truth_: "I read _Tom Ossington's Ghost_ the other night and was -afraid to go upstairs In the dark after it." - -_To-Day_: "An entrancing book, but people with weak nerves had better -not read it at night." - -_The World_: "Mr. Marsh has been Inspired by an entirely original -idea, and has worked it out with great ingenuity. We like the weird, -but _not_ repulsive story better than anything he has ever done." - -_Sketch_: "Opens with a singularly dramatic and exciting situation, -and the interest thus at once aroused is sustained steadily to the -close." - -_Star_: "A thrilling ghost story. The writing is vigorous and -dramatic." - -_Weekly Times and Echo_: "A capital story. ALL sorts of readers will -enjoy _Tom Ossington's Ghost_." - -_Manchester Guardian_: "A ghost to be a success must be able to leave -an impression of indefinable terror in those whom it haunts. -It should, in a word, 'give them the creeps,' and bad ones. _Tom -Ossington_ was completely successful in this." - - - - - - - FRIVOLITIES - - - ESPECIALLY ADDRESSED TO THOSE WHO - ARE TIRED OF BEING SERIOUS - - - - - - BY - - RICHARD MARSH - - AUTHOR OF - - "TOM OSSINGTON'S GHOST," "CURIOS: SOME STRANGE ADVENTURES - OF TWO BACHELORS," "THE BEETLE: A MYSTERY," ETC. - - - - - - LONDON - - JAMES BOWDEN - - 10 HENRIETTA STREET, COVENT GARDEN, W.C. - - 1899 - - - - - - - CONTENTS - - - The Purse which was Found. - - For One Night Only. - - Returning a Verdict. - - The Chancellor's Ward. - - A Honeymoon Trip. - - The Burglar's Blunder. - - Ninepence. - - A Battlefield up-to-Date. - - Mr. Harland's Pupils. - - A Burglar Alarm. - - A Lesson in Sculling. - - Outside. - - - - - - - FRIVOLITIES - - - - - The purse which was found - - - I. - -The first applicant arrived just as I was sitting down to breakfast. I -went out to him in the hall at once. He was tall, thin, and distinctly -seedy. - -"I have called with reference to the advertisement of the purse which -was found." I bowed. He seemed to hesitate. "I have lost a purse." He -looked as if he had--long years ago. "I have reason to believe that it -is my purse which you have found. I shall be happy to hand you the -cost of your advertisement on your returning me my property." - -"When did you lose it?" - -My question seemed to escape his notice. - -"I am a clergyman in the Orders of the Church of England, and the -inscrutable laws of the Divine Benevolence have placed me in a -position which makes such a loss a matter of cardinal importance." - -"Where did you lose it?" - -"In town, sir--in town." - -"In what part of town?" - -"In the west, sir--in the west." - -"Do you mean in the western postal district?" - -"My topographical knowledge of this great city is scarcely sufficient -to enable me to enter into such minutię." He assumed an air of candour -which ill became him. "I will be frank with you. I do not know where I -lost it. The shock of the loss was so great as to make of my mind a -_tabula rasa_. I have an appointment at some distance from here in -less than half an hour. Might I ask you to give me my property without -any unnecessary delay?" - -"With pleasure, on your describing it." - -"Unfortunately there again you have me at a disadvantage. The purse -was my daughter's, lent to me only for the day. I have not preserved a -sufficiently clear mental picture to enable me to furnish you with an -adequate description." - -"But your daughter can?" - -"Precisely, if she were in town. But she is not in town. And it is of -paramount importance that I should at once regain possession of the -property. If you will allow me to look at it I shall be able to tell -at a glance if it is mine." - -"I am afraid that I must request you to describe the purse lost before -I show you the one I found." - -He drew himself up. - -"I trust, sir, that your words are not intended to convey a -reflection?" - -"Not at all. Only, as I have not breakfasted, and you have an -appointment to keep, it might be as well if you were at once to -communicate with your daughter, and request her to favour you with the -necessary description." - -"Excuse me, sir, but you mistake your man. I am a gentleman, sir, like -you--a university man, sir. I came here to regain possession of my -property; you are in possession of that property; until you return it -to me I do not intend to quit this house." As he had suddenly raised -his voice, and evinced symptoms of raising it higher, I opened the -front door by way of a hint. On the doorstep stood one of the -unemployed, the remnant of a woollen muffler twisted round his neck. - -"Beg pardon, guv'nor, I've come for my purse." - -"What purse?" - -"You know very well what purse--the purse what's advertised. You hand -it over to me, and I'm game to pay all costs. It's mine. I lost it." - -"Describe the one you had the misfortune to lose." - -"It was a leather purse." - -"Then that is not the purse I found." - -"Shammy leather, I mean." - -"Nor is it shammy leather." - -"Covered with sealskin outside." - -"Nor is it covered with sealskin outside." - -"Just you take and let me have a look at it. I'll soon tell you if -it's mine." - -"Before the purse is shown to any claimant he must satisfactorily -describe it." - -"Very well; that's all about it. If it ain't mine, it ain't mine. You -needn't be nasty." - -"I have no intention of being nasty." - -"Then don't be. Because a pore feller loses his purse he don't need to -be trampled on. You can be pore but honest." - -With the utterance of this trite and, possibly, admirable observation -the man strolled off, with his hands in his pockets. My clerical -friend, who had lingered in the hall, endeavoured to take me by the -button-hole. He addressed me in a confidential whisper. - -"Pardon me, sir, but circumstances over which I have no control have -temporarily crippled my resources. Since, from motives which I -understand, and which I honour, sir, you prefer to continue to be the -custodian of my family property, might I with confidence ask you to -oblige me with a small loan till I am able to place myself in -communication with my daughter?" - -"You might not." - -"I fear that I am already late for my appointment. The only way to -reach it in time will be to take a cab. May I, at least, ask you to -enable me to pay the fare?" - -"You may not." - -He sighed. - -"I believe you said you had not breakfasted? Neither, sir, have I. You -will hardly believe it, but it is a positive fact that I, a clergyman, -a master of arts of my university, have not tasted food for more than -four-and-twenty hours. If, sir, you will suffer me, a humble stranger, -to join you at your morning meal----" - -"Good-day, sir." - -He sighed again. Then, putting his hand up to his mouth, he asked, in -a sepulchral whisper: - -"Will you lend me sixpence?" - -"I won't--not one farthing." - -Then he went, shaking his head as he passed down the steps, as if the -burden of this world pressed on him more weightily than ever. He was -still descending the steps when a cab dashed up, from the interior of -which an elderly gentleman flourished an umbrella. - - - II. - -"Hi! Is this 25, Bangley Gardens, where they advertise that a purse -was found?" - -I admitted that it was. - -"Was it found in Regent Street on Wednesday afternoon--silver monogram -'E. L. T.'--containing between nine and ten pounds in silver and -gold?" - -I said that it was not. - -"Sorry to have troubled you. Throgmorton Street, driver. Push along." - -I was closing the door when I was hailed by a woman, who remained -standing at the foot of the steps. She was a young woman, evidently of -the artisan class. She wore an air of depression, and carried a baby -in her arms. - -"Was the purse which was found mine, sir?" - -"What was yours like?" - -"I lost it in the Mile End Road on Saturday night, sir. My husband's -wages was in it--twenty-four and sixpence. He see the advertisement in -the paper, and sent me round to see. Leather it was--leastways, -imitation--red, and the clasp was broken." - -"I am sorry to say that your description bears no kind of resemblance -to the one which is in my possession." - -She looked at me for a moment, scrutinizingly, as if desirous of -learning if what I said was credible; then, without another word, -moved off. - -I had succeeded in closing the door just as there came another rap -upon the knocker. I reopened it, to find myself confronted by another -of the unemployed. - -"I ask your pardon, guv'nor, but seeing an advertisement about a purse -as was found, I thought I'd just come round to see if it might happen -to be mine. Mine wasn't a leather purse, nor yet it wasn't a shammy -leather, nor yet it wasn't one of them sealskin kind of things." - -As soon as he said that I suspected that this was a friend of the -other unemployed, from whom he had recently gathered certain data. - -"Mine was more one of them sort of bag kind." - -"What bag kind?" - -"Well----" He fixed me with his gaze. If he had been acquainted with the -fact that images are photographed upon our eyes, I might have -suspected him of an intent to decipher the image of the purse in mine. -"Was this here purse you found tied round the top?" - -"Was yours?" - -He read the answer in my eyes. - -"No, I can't say as how mine was; but I thought as how this here one -you found might have been--some purses are, you know." - -Unless I erred he was endeavouring to consider what sort of purse that -purse might be, his knowledge of the varieties of that article being -limited. He taxed my patience. - -"If you have lost a purse, my man, be so good as to describe it -without delay. I can't stop here all the morning." - -"Well, as I was a-saying, it was one of them sort of bag kind." - -"Then it's not the one I found." - -Without more ado I slammed the door in his face. I went in to -breakfast. As I was sitting down there came a single knock. Saunders -turned to leave the room to answer it. - -"One moment, Saunders. I don't know if I mentioned to you that, the -day before yesterday, I found a purse?" - -"No, sir." - -"Well, I did, and I'm beginning to wish that I hadn't. I've inserted -an advertisement in to-day's papers to the effect that the owner may -have it on applying to me. I've had five applicants within five -minutes--three of them rank impostors. I'm rather inclined to think -that the person who has just knocked is one of them come back again. I -doubt if he ever had a purse in his life--he certainly never had the -one I've found. Tell him if he doesn't take himself away at once I'll -send for the police." - -Saunders vanished. There was the sound of voices--one of them -belonging to Saunders, the other, undoubtedly, to that member of the -unemployed. He seemed to be shouting at Saunders, and Saunders, in a -dignified way, seemed to be shouting back at him. Presently there was -a lull. Saunders reappeared. - -"Well, has the fellow gone?" - -"No, sir. And he says he isn't going." - -"Did you give him to understand that I should send for the police?" - -"He says he should like to see you send for the police. He says that -the police will soon show you if you can rob a poor man of his purse. -He's a most impudent fellow. As for the purse which you found being -his, sir, I don't believe he knows what a purse is. He's a regular -vagabond!" - -"I quite agree with you, Saunders--quite! That is my opinion of the -man precisely." - -"There are five other persons who wish to see you. Three of them have -cards, and two of them haven't." - -He held out three cards on a waiter, taking my breath away. - -"Five, Saunders! Where are these people?" - -"In the hall, sir." - -"I won't see anyone till I've had my breakfast. I'm not going to have -all my habits disarranged simply because I happen to have found a -purse. I ought to have stated that no applications were to be made -till after twelve; I never dreamt that people would have come at this -time of day. Show the people with the cards into the drawing-room, and -leave the others in the hall. And, Saunders, it would be a little -obvious, perhaps, to remove the hats and umbrellas from before their -very faces, but keep a sharp eye on them!" - -I glanced at the trio of visiting-cards, as, once more, I made an -attempt to continue my meal. "Mrs. Chillingby-Harkworth, Pagoda -Mansions, S.W.," "Colonel Fitzakarley Beering," "George Parkins." -The idea of a number of entire strangers being turned loose in my -drawing-room was one I did not relish. I felt I ought to have stated -that applications in writing would alone have been attended to. - -I had imagined that, by not taking my find to the police-station, I -should be saving myself trouble. I perceived that my imagination had -been at fault. I had had no notion that such a number of people had -lost their purses. A constant fusillade was being kept up on the -knocker. I might have been giving a fashionable assembly, and -requested the guests to arrive in time for breakfast. All at once -there was a violent ringing at the drawing-room bell. - -In came Saunders with a stack of cards on a tray and some telegrams. - -"Well, Saunders, many people here?" - -"More than twenty inside the house, and I don't know how many there -are outside--I know the pavement's getting blocked. The drawing-room -is full, and the hall is crammed. Queer ones some of them are; they -don't look to me as if they were the sort to lose their purses. And -now the lady whose card I brought up to you has rung the bell, and -says that she insists on seeing you at once." - -"Show her up, and, when I ring, show her down again. Then send them up -one after the other. I'll get rid of them as fast as I can. And, -Saunders, if ever you find a purse lose it again directly, and don't -breathe a word of it to anyone!" - - - III. - -In came a lady, looking every inch a Mrs. Chillingby-Harkworth--tall, -portly, middle-aged, richly dressed. As she eyed me through a pair of -long-handled spy-glasses her volubility was amazing. - -"May I inquire your name, sir?" - -"Burley is my name, madam." - -"Then, Mr. Burley, I have to inform you I was never treated with so -much indignity before. I come here in answer to an advertisement, at -great personal inconvenience to myself, and I am shown into a room -with a number of most extraordinary characters; and one person, who, I -am sure, was the worse for drink, asks me the most impertinent -questions, and when I appeal for protection to another individual, he -tells me that he has enough to do in attending to his own business -without interfering with other people's, and I have positively to ring -the bell twice before I can receive any proper attention." - -"I am sorry that you should have suffered any unpleasantness in my -house. May I ask if you have lost a purse?" - -"I can't say I have--at least, not for years. I only lost one purse in -my life, and that was when I was quite a child--I've always taken too -much care of my things to lose them. But the friend of a niece of -mine, who was staying with me a week or two ago, took her little boy -to the Zoological Gardens, and she lost her purse. She hadn't the -faintest notion where or how, and when I saw the advertisement I -thought I would call and see if it was hers." - -"May I ask you to describe the purse which your friend lost?" - -"My good sir, I can't do anything of the kind. I only saw it for a -moment in her hand as she was going out. You mustn't ask me to perform -impossibilities." - -"Perhaps your friend could describe it." - -"Of course she could, if she were here, but she isn't; she's at the -other end of the country. I've come to look at the purse which you -have found, don't I tell you, and wasted a whole morning in doing so. -I daresay I shall be able to form a pretty shrewd idea as to whether -it is hers, as those who know me best will tell you. My sense of -observation has always been exceedingly keen." - -I shook my head. - -"I am afraid that that is what I cannot do. According to your own -statement you have not lost a purse. I am unable to produce the one -which I have found until I am furnished with a satisfactory -description by the actual loser." - -She stared. - -"Good gracious, my good man, you don't mean to say that after bringing -me here, and after what I have gone through, you refuse to show me the -purse which you have actually advertised?" - -I rang the bell. - -"Possibly your friend will place herself in communication with me. -Saunders, show this lady out." - -I fancy she was so taken aback by my manner that for the moment she -was speechless. Anyhow, she went, and regained the use of her tongue -when she got outside. I heard her rating Saunders soundly as she went -downstairs. A young man came next, with something about him which -smacked of a provincial town. - -"My name's Parkins. You've got a pretty crowd downstairs. I didn't -expect this sort of thing, or I wouldn't have come. A lot of Johnnies -seem to be on the prowl for a purse. Was the one you found plain -leather, with a single pocket, and three fivers inside?" - -"Not the least like it." - -"Oh! The fact is, I'm up in town for an holiday, and the night before -last I went on the razzle, and some Johnny boned my purse, and I -thought you might have got it." - -I do not know what he meant, or if he intended to insult me--he seemed -to be a simple sort of youth--but he was gone before I had a chance of -asking him. He was followed by an elderly gentleman, whom I had reason -to suppose, before I had got rid of him, was either a seasoned liar, -or more or less insane. He seated himself--uninvited by me--crossed -his legs, and nursed his silk hat and umbrella. - -"I suppose it is a purse you've found?" - -"Of course it is. Have you lost one?" - -"It isn't a Gladstone bag?" - -"A Gladstone bag?" I was a little dazed by my efforts to grasp the -man's meaning, and the question was such an absurd one. - -"I take it that if it had been a Gladstone bag I should have mentioned -it in my advertisement. I am still able to distinguish between the one -and the other." - -"Nor a silk umbrella with a silver mount and a crest on top, like -this?" - -He held out the one he had been holding. - -I stiffened my back, suspecting him of a humorous intention. - -"My time is valuable, as, having just come from downstairs, you must -be aware. May I ask if I am indebted for the pleasure of your presence -here to the fact of your having lost a purse?" - -"_A_ purse? On my soul and honour, sir, in my time I've lost -hundreds--hundreds! Positively hundreds!" - -I believe I gasped--he spoke with an airy indifference as if that kind -of thing were commonplace. - -"As I was saying to some of those fellows downstairs, if there's a man -in England who has lost more things than I have, I should like to meet -him. It's a genius I have; as sure as I get a thing I lose it. And the -more it costs, the more it's lost. As for purses, they're my strongest -point. I suppose I lost more than a score last year, and already more -than a dozen this. Only last week my wife bought a steel chain with a -steel purse at the end of it. She chained it round me. If you will -believe me, sir, the very next day I went to a Turkish bath and left -it there--never set eyes upon it since. I take it it isn't that purse -you've found?" - -"It is not." - -"Nor a large square trunk, iron-bound, weighing about two tons, which -I left on the Boulogne Quay a fortnight last Thursday?" - -"It is not that, either. Pardon me if I appear to interrupt you, but, -since you seem to have been unfortunate on so large a scale, I fear I -must ask you to go home and have a list printed of the purses which -you have lost at different times, and send it to me at your leisure. I -shall then be able to perceive if it is one of them which I have -found. But I beg you will not include in it any ironbound trunks. -Good-day." - -I rang the bell; the man sat still. - -"It isn't only trunks and purses which I lose--I lose everything. The -day before yesterday I went into the City to buy groceries; filled two -great parcels four feet square; had them put with me into the cab so -that I might keep them well in sight; got out on the road to have a -drink; when I had had it got into the wrong cab; never discovered the -mistake till I reached my own doorstep. Those groceries haven't yet -come to hand----" - -"These anecdotes----" - -"Excuse me, I'll tell you another thing I've lost. Six months ago I -lost my wife. Took her for a run on the Continent; on the way home -dined at a restaurant on the Boulevards; went out to buy a cigar; -forgot all about my wife; left her eating an ice; came over by the -night boat; never noticed she was missing till I was between the -sheets in bed." He paused, as if to meditate. "She wasn't a dead loss; -turned up afterwards, as I've reason to remember." - -Whether the man was or was not mad, or whether he was merely amusing -himself at my expense, is more than I can say. We had the greatest -difficulty in getting rid of him. By the time I had interviewed -another dozen applicants I came to the conclusion that, if I had to go -through much more of that kind of thing, my brain would turn. One -red-headed man came into the room with a huge portfolio under his arm. -Before I could stop him he had unfolded it before my astonished eyes. - -"I have here one of the finest works ever issued from the press. It is -a universal gazetteer and general encyclopędia of information, and -contains 22,000 more references than any other work of the kind which -has been previously produced. It is most superbly illustrated, in the -most lavish manner, by the greatest artists, two or more full-page -illustrations to each part, besides innumerable smaller illustrations, -splendid maps, and magnificent coloured pictures, which are quite -worthy of being framed. It is issued in monthly parts price -sevenpence, and with the first part is presented a free gift----" - -It was all I could do to prevent myself kicking him downstairs. He was -not by any means the only offender in this direction. One young woman, -after beating about the bush in a manner which, although I was -becoming familiar with it, was none the less maddening, explained that -she had come to solicit contributions towards providing a day in the -country for some ragamuffins at the other end of the town. - - - IV. - -The worst of it was that, though I scampered through the applicants as -fast as ever they would let me, the number of them, instead of -diminishing, increased. The clamour of their voices filled the house. -Saunders and the maids were becoming alarmed--for the matter of that -so was I. The people swarmed into the house like flies. The downstair -rooms were full, the hall was blocked, the stairway choked, a -continually increasing crowd was on the pavement. Everyone wanted to -see me at once. Judging from the noise quarrels were frequent. I had -heard of the astonishing number of the applications which are received -for an advertised vacant clerkship; judging from results I might have -advertised not for one clerk, but for half a dozen. - -"I think," suggested Saunders, pale, though heated, "that we had -better send for the police." - -I had just disposed of a man who, after explaining that he had lost a -purse something like twelve months ago, had assured the crowd, from -the top of the stairs, that I was a colourable imitation of a thief, -because I had declined to show him the one which I had found a couple -of days before. He had been followed by an acidulated-looking female, -who, I felt certain, was a tough morsel, and who was eyeing me, as -Saunders spoke, as if I had been a convict at the least. - -"Why? Are the people misbehaving?" - -Saunders's face was more eloquent than his words. - -"I don't believe there'll be much furniture left in the drawing-room -if something isn't done. Cook's locked herself in the kitchen, and -some of the people have gone downstairs--a pretty sort they are! If -they aren't in the plate cupboard, they're in the pantry." - -This was pleasant hearing. Before I could speak the acidulated -lady--proving that my diagnosis of her character had not been -unfounded--answered for me. - -"And serve you quite right too! I believe that the whole affair's a -swindle. You ought to be made to suffer. I don't believe you've found -a purse at all." - -"My dear madam, I assure you that I have!" - -"Then why don't you let any of the poor creatures who have lost their -purses have so much as a sight of it? If you have found a purse, why -don't you show it to them like an honest man?" I sighed--the logic of -people who had lost their purses was wonderful. "As for me, I'm not -going through the farce of describing the purse I lost, because I know -very well you haven't got it; but I'll tell you this--I've come all -the way from Hackney, and I've wasted a day, and I don't mean to leave -this house till you've paid me my expenses. I'll teach you to play -tricks with innocent people! And"--she suddenly raised her voice--"if -other people take my advice they will insist upon having their -expenses paid them too!" - -Before Saunders or I could interpose she had thrown the door wide -open, and was addressing her, by now, excited audience, as if to the -manner born. - -"My good people, I am Sarah Eliza Warren, of Greenbush Villa, -Hackney, and, like yourselves, I have been brought to this house by -what seems to me to amount to false pretences. I don't believe that a -purse has been found at all. If you take my advice you will do as I am -doing--you will insist on being compensated for your loss of time, and -for your out-of-pocket expenditure!" - -I plainly perceived that further argument was useless. The idea of -compensating that motley gathering for effecting a burglarious entry -on to my premises was one which was too terrible to contemplate. - -I threw up the window. - -"Police! police!" I shouted. - -A solitary policeman was in sight. Considering that the street in -front of my house was rendered practically impassable by the concourse -of people and of vehicles, the wonder was that the whole force had not -been on the spot an hour ago. His attention had been attracted by the -crowd; he was hastening towards it. Some fifty to sixty persons -endeavoured to explain the situation as he advanced. He waved them -majestically from him as only a policeman can. As he came near the -house I shouted to him: - -"I'm the owner of this house! I require your assistance, constable! I -want you to turn these people out!" - -The effect of my words was spoilt by the opening of the drawing-room -window, which was immediately under the one at which I was. Half a -dozen men and women thrust their heads out. They simultaneously -addressed the constable. Under the circumstances he did the best thing -he could have done--he blew his whistle. - - - V. - -There ensued a scene of considerable excitement. Never tell me again -that policemen do not come when they are wanted. As soon as that -whistle was blown blue-coated officials began to appear in all -directions. A policeman running is a sight to be seen--so the general -public with leisure on its hands seemed to think, because each came -attended by a tail of stragglers. What the neighbours thought of the -proceedings Heaven only knows. People stood on the doorsteps, heads -were thrust out of every window. Bangley Gardens had never before -experienced such an occasion in the whole course of its history. - -The behaviour of the persons who had lost their purses--or wished me -to believe that they had--was disgraceful. Judging from the sounds -they were wandering over the house wherever their fancy led them. A -scuffle seemed to be taking place on the stairs, another in the hall, -and there was plainly contention in the drawing-room. Mysterious -noises in the basement. Eight or nine excitable people had forced -their way into my room, and, headed by "Sarah Eliza Warren," were -addressing me in a fashion which, to say the least of it, was lacking -in decorum. Meantime the original policeman was standing with his -hands in his belt, waiting for the support of his colleagues before -taking any steps whatever to save my property from being looted. - -"Constable!" I screamed, "I am the owner of this house, and I shall -hold you responsible for any damage that is done to my property. Come -inside, I tell you, and turn these people out." - -He apparently paid no heed to me whatever; I was not the only one who -was screaming; The people at the drawing-room window were behaving as -if they had just broken loose from Bedlam. From what I afterwards -ascertained it seems as if some of them imagined that they were in for -a colourable imitation of the original affair of the Black Hole of -Calcutta. - -Suddenly I became conscious that the proceedings in my immediate -neighbourhood had positively increased in liveliness. Turning, I -perceived that Saunders was engaged in what looked very like a bout of -fisticuffs with still another member of the unemployed; he had -detected him in the act of pocketing a silver statuette. Regardless of -who was standing in the way I rushed to his assistance. I struck out -at somebody--somebody struck out at me. What immediately followed must -have borne a strong family resemblance to the "divarsion" which marked -the occasion of that immortal "Irish christenin'." - -"What's the meaning of all this? Who's the owner of this house?" - -Never was anything more welcome than the sight of the stalwart, -blue-coated figure of the representative of law and order standing in -the doorway. I tremble to think of what would have happened if his -arrival had been delayed much longer. - -"I am--what's left of him." - -"Then, if you're the owner of the house, what are all these people -doing in it?" - -"Perhaps you will be so good as to ask them; they have certainly not -been invited by me." - -A voice was raised in explanation--the voice of "Sarah Eliza Warren." - -"We 've been made the victims of a scandalous hoax, policeman, and if -there's a law in the land this person ought to be made to suffer. He's -lured people by false pretences from all parts of the country, and I, -for one, don't mean to leave this house till he has compensated me for -the loss and suffering he has caused me." - -"More don't I," chimed in, of all persons, that felonious member of -the unemployed. - -"Officer, I give that man in charge for theft; my man has just caught -him in the act of appropriating my property." - -The man began to bluster. - -"What are you talking about? Who do you think you are? You rob a poor -bloke like me of a whole day's work, and then won't give me so much as -a ha'penny piece to make up for it! A nice sort you are to talk of -robbery!" - -The constable raised his hand in the orthodox official manner, which -is intended to soothe. - -"Now, then! now, then!" He addressed me. "Is what these persons say -true--have you been hoaxing them?" - -"Most distinctly not; as, if you will be so good as to rid my house of -their presence, I shall have much pleasure in promptly proving to -you." - -The sergeant--he was a sergeant--made short work of the clearance, -even managing, by dint of an assurance that he would listen to all she -had to say afterwards, to dislodge "Sarah Eliza Warren." Then he -turned to me. - -"Now, perhaps, you will tell me what this means. If you're the -householder, as you say, you yourself ought to turn anyone out of your -own house you want to turn out, as a policeman has no right to come -into a private house unless an actual charge is to be preferred. I -don't know what you've been doing, but you seem to be responsible for -something very like a riot." - -I felt that it was hard, after what I had undergone, to be addressed -in such a strain by a man in his position. - -"When you have heard the explanation which I am about to give you, you -will yourself perceive how far you are justified in adopting towards -me such a tone." I paused. I seated myself--the support of a chair -having become an absolute necessity. "The day before yesterday, as I -was turning from Knightsbridge into Sloane Street, I saw a purse lying -on the pavement. I picked it up. I inquired of several people standing -about, or who were passing by, if they had dropped it. No one had. I -brought it home, and yesterday I sent an advertisement to the papers. -Here it is, in one of them." - -I pointed it out to him in a newspaper of the day. - - -"Found, A Purse.--Owner may have it by giving description and paying -the cost of this advertisement.--Apply to 25, Bangley Gardens, S.W." - - -"It's too vague," objected the constable. - -"I purposely made it as vague as I could, thinking that if I left all -the details to be filled in I should render it certain that it could -only be claimed by the actual owner, and, to make sure it should be -claimed by him, I had it inserted in all the morning papers." - -The constable smiled the smile of superiority. - -"If you had let me know what you had done I'd have sent my men down in -time to protect you. A vague advertisement like that appearing in all -the papers is bound to attract the attention of half the riffraff of -London, who are always ready for a little game of trying it on, not to -speak of the hundreds, perhaps thousands, who are losing their purses -every day." - -"I have discovered that fact--a day after the affair." - -"You ought to have taken it at once to a police-station. Everyone -ought to take the things they find. It would save them a lot of -bother." - -"That, also, I perceive too late. I was under a different impression -at first. I know better now. Perhaps you will allow me to repair my -error and confide it to your keeping at this, the eleventh hour. Then -I shall have pleasure in referring all further applicants to you." - -As he placed the purse in the inside pocket of his tunic the sergeant -grinned. - -"Don't think you'll get rid of them by giving it to me now, because -you won't. Look at the street. There's a pretty sight for you." - -It was a pretty sight--of a kind. The usually deserted Bangley Gardens -was filled with a clamorous crowd. It distinctly comprised all sorts -and conditions of men--and women. Two or three policemen, standing at -the foot of my steps, were doing their best to keep the people back. -It seemed incredible that all this bother could be about a purse. If -ever I found another I would know the reason why. - -"I shall have to leave some of my men to keep the people circulating, -and to save you from annoyance. I shouldn't be surprised if you have -them worrying you for several days to come. If you take my advice -you'll put an advertisement in to-morrow's papers, to say that you -have handed the purse to us." - -I did put an advertisement in the next day's papers, though it was not -couched in the terms which he suggested. For the joke was that -scarcely had the sergeant turned his back when I took up, half -absent-mindedly, a telegram from the heap which was constantly -arriving, and found it contained this message--a tolerably voluminous -one: - - -"To 25, Bangley Gardens. - -"Referring to advertisement of purse found in to-day's _Times_, Lady -Hester Hammersmith, of Hammersmith House, Grosvenor Square, on -Thursday afternoon, between three and four, dropped, probably outside -Cane and Wilson's, green silk network purse, secured by two gold -rings--emerald in one, sapphire in the other. At one end of the purse -were four ten and one five-pound notes; at the other, about nine -pounds in gold and silver. As Lady Hester Hammersmith values the purse -apart from its intrinsic value, and is greatly troubled at its loss, -if this is the purse found, please wire at once. Reply paid." - - -I rushed to the door. - -"Saunders, where is the boy who brought this message? Run after that -sergeant of police and bring him back again--this is the purse I -found." - -It was. And so it came about that the second advertisement which I -inserted was not worded as the sergeant had suggested, but was to the -effect that no further applications need be made to anyone, because -the purse which was found had been restored to its rightful owner. - - - - - For One Night Only - - -"Once I were a waiter. Never again. It was like this here-- - -"At that time I was fresh from the country--ah! I was fresh--and I was -in a situation along with old Bob Perkins, what kep' a greengrocer's -shop in the 'Ampstead Road. One day Mr. Perkins says to me: - -"'Brocklebank,' he says, 'would you like to do a little job of -waiting?' I knew as he went out acting as waiter at private parties -and such like, so I says: - -"'I don't mind,' I says; 'not that I knows anything about it, if that -don't make no odds. - -"'Lor', no! that don't make no odds,' he says. 'It's only the -cloak-room you'll have to look after, and you'll get 'alf-a-crown and -your grub for doin' it.' - -"'Cloak-room?' I says. 'What's that?' 'Why,' he says, 'where the gents -puts their 'ats and coats and umbrellas.' 'I'm on,' I says. 'I -shouldn't be surprised if I was able to keep a heye upon a humbrella; -I should think that was about my style.' But I were wrong, as I'm -a-goin' to tell yer. - -"In the evening I went up with Mr. Perkins to a house in the Camden -Road. I had on a old dress suit of Perkins's, which wasn't no sort -of fit, seeing as how he was fifty-two in the waist and I was -twenty-five. Mrs. Perkins, she'd what she called 'caught the trousers -up' in the back, and she said as no one would see me it would be all -right, which I hoped it would be. It didn't feel all right, I tell you -that. - -"When me and Mr. Perkins got up to the house they put me straight away -into a little band-box of a cupboard sort of place, where there was -some shelves and some 'ooks and some pieces of paper, with numbers -on--the same number on two pieces of paper--and a box of pins. -The servant girl as shows me in says--a saucy piece of goods she -was!--'There you are! and I hope you're more 'andy than you looks, -because if you mixes of the things there'll be excitement.' Mr. -Perkins, he'd told me what I'd have to do as we was coming along, so I -wipes my 'ot 'and upon his breeches, and I 'opes for the best. - -"Presently the people begins a-coming to the party. A young gent, he -comes up to me, and he 'ands me his overcoat, and a billycock 'at, and -a silk scarf, and a umbrella, and a pair of india-rubber shoes, and I -was floored at once; because Mr. Perkins had told me that I was to pin -one number to whatever a gent gave me, and I was to give him the same -number, so that he might know it by that number when he came again. So -when this young gent gave me all that lot of articles I began pinning -one number to his 'at--it was a 'ard 'at and not easy to drive a pin -in--and another to his overcoat, and another to his umbrella, and -another to his shoes, and another to his scarf--as I'd understood Mr. -Perkins to tell me. But this here young gent, he wouldn't have it. He -wanted me to pin one number to the lot of them; and as I was a-arguing -with him, and tryin' to understand how he made out as I could do that, -seeing as how the pins was little ones, and the numbers not large ones -neither, a lot of other gents came up, and this here young gent he got -quite red in the face, and he snatched a number out of my hand and he -walked off, and he left me staring. - -"Well I got on pretty well, considerin', so long as the people didn't -come too fast. But I tell you, if you're not used to pins, they're -more difficult to manage than you might think. You never know where -you're driving of them. I know that, what with the 'eat and the 'aste, -some being all of a flurry, I drove more of them into my 'ands than I -quite liked. And I soon saw that that there box of pins wouldn't never -last me long, seein' as how I bent three out of every two, so as I -couldn't use 'em--not to speak of others I dropped and couldn't stop -to find. - -"But, as I was a-sayin', I got on somehow, and I daresay I should have -got on, somehow, to the end, if it hadn't been that I was fresh from -the country. Of course, I didn't know what gentlefolk wear, and one -'at was like another 'at to me--and that was where I was deceived. One -gent fair took me aback. He came in with a 'igh top-'at on his 'ead, -and when he took it off he put one end against his chest and he gave -it a sort of a shove, and he squashed it as flat as my 'and. I tell -you, I stared. I thought he'd been having a drop to drink, and had -busted his brand new 'at for a sort of a joke. But he seemed to be -sober enough, so far as I could see, and he didn't seem to mind -what he'd done to his 'at, not a little bit. Presently another gent -came alone, and he done the same to his top-'at. Then another, and -another--in fact, a whole crowd of them. And there was me, -a-perspiring like one o'clock, with Perkins's breeches a-coming undone -where his old woman had caught 'em up at the back, a-standing in the -middle of a lot of squashed 'igh 'ats, what was lying all over the -place. So I began to see that there was more in the nature of a 'igh -'at than I'd supposed. - -"Bless you! there wasn't nearly room for all the things that these -gents kept a-handing me, and unless I took to standin' on 'em, I -didn't see what I was to do. So when there came a sort of a lull like -I looks round to see how I could make a bit of room. 'Alf them gents -hadn't squashed in their 'igh 'ats, like the other gents 'ad done, and -I sees at once as how they were takin' up more than their fair share -of space. So I makes up my mind to squash 'em for 'em, and I sets -about a-doin' it. I takes up a 'igh 'at what a old gent had just -a-give me--a beautiful shiny one it was--and I sets it against my -stomach and I starts a-'eavin'. I'd no idea it'd be so 'ard. Them -other gents had seemed to squash theirs easy, but this 'ere one took -some shovin'. And, when it did go, it went all lop-sided like. I had -to sit on it before it'd lie down flat. - -"I had my 'and full, I tell you, squashin' all them 'igh 'ats. There -was forty of 'em, if there was one. Fair 'ard work I found it. I -supposed there was some knack about the thing as I 'adn't yet caught. -And when I'd finished the lot I took a squint at 'em. If you'll -believe me, a shiver went up and down my back. Somehow I didn't like -the way as they was lookin'. There was a crumpled sort of look about -'em which didn't seem like as it ought to be. I was a-perspirin' all -over. Perkins's breeches had come undone behind, and was 'anging about -me anyhow; my collar had come unpinned at the back of my shirt; the -bow that Mrs. Perkins had give me for a necktie had worked loose in -front. A lot of them articles hadn't got no numbers on, and most of -them as had I felt certain as I'd given to the wrong parties; and, -altogether, I began to wish as how I hadn't come. - -"Presently the old gent as had given me the 'igh 'at as I had -started squashin' came up to the door. He was a tall old gent, very -fierce-lookin', with a long white moustache--a regular toff. As he'd -been the last to come, and it seemed as how he was goin' to be the -first to go, it looked as if he had soon had enough of the party. -'Give me my 'at,' he says. - -"I knew which was his 'at, though it 'adn't got no number. I had good -reason to. So I routed it out from under a 'eap of others. He looks at -it, and then he looks at me. - -"'That's not my 'at,' he says. - -"'Excuse me, sir,' I says, 'it is your 'at--leastways, it's the one as -you gave to me.' - -"He looks at the 'at again, and then again he looks at me, and all of -a sudden he went quite red in the face. - -"'Mine was a new 'at!' - -"'Yes, sir,' I says; 'so I thought, sir, when you gave it me. It -didn't look as though it 'adn't never been worn. If you try this 'at -on, sir, you will find, sir, as it's yours.' - -"Then he takes the 'at out of my 'and, lookin' at me once more, -searchin' like, and he turns it round and round, and he squints inside -of it. - -"'As I'm alive,' he says, 'I do believe it's mine!' - -"I says,' I'm sure, sir, as how it is. I noticed it most particular.' - -"'But, good 'evins!' he says, 'whatever 'ave you been a-doing to it?' - -"'I've only been a-squashin' of it, sir,' I says. - -"'Only been a-squashin' of it!' he says, and he gives a kind of gasp. -'Are you drunk, man?' - -"'No, sir,' I says, 'and that I'm not. I haven't had so much as 'alf a -pint since I've been inside this 'ouse!' Which I 'adn't, and my throat -was gettin' regular parched. - -"He did flare out! - -"'Then if you're not drunk, man,' he says, 'what the devil do you mean -by tellin' me that you've only been a-squashin' of a brand new 'at?' -He gives another squint inside of it. ''Ang me if it doesn't look as -if he'd been a-sitting down upon the thing!' - -"'I had to,' I says, 'to make it stay down flat.' - -"I thought he would have had a fit. - -"'My God!' he says,' what sort of a place is it that I've got into?' -Then he uses language what I'd always been taught was most unbecomin' -to anyone what called 'imself a gentleman. 'You damned scoundrel, -you!' he says. 'If you was my servant I'd have you sent to gaol for -this! I might have expected that something would come of ever entering -such a dog-'ole of a 'ouse! Take the 'at, you 'ound, and be damned to -you!' - -"And if he didn't throw his own 'at into my face with such violence as -not only to break the skin right off my nose, where it 'appened to 'it -me, but as to make me feel for the moment as if I had gone silly. When -I come to myself, as it were, if he hadn't gone right into the street, -for all I knew, and left his 'at behind him. As I was thinkin' what I -ought to do--for I ain't accustomed to havin' 'igh 'ats chucked in my -face as if they were brickbats, not even at a party--three other gents -came 'astening up--young ones, they was. - -"''Ats, waiter!' they says. 'We're in a 'urry'--which I could see they -was. - -"'What is your numbers, gentlemen?' I says. - -"'You never give us none,' says they. - -"'In that case, gentlemen,' I says, 'I shall have to ask you for to be -so good as to choose your own 'ats.' - -"So I takes up in both my 'ands a 'eap of squashed 'igh 'ats and I -'olds 'em out to 'em. You should have seen their faces! First they -looks at me, and then they looks at each other. Then one of them gives -a sort of grin. - -"'Ain't you made some sort of mistake?' he says. - -"'As 'ow?' I says. - -"'Ours was 'igh 'ats,' he says. - -"'Well, and ain't these 'igh 'ats?' I says. - -"Then again they looks at me, and again they looks at each other; and -another one, he speaks--a short, puffy young fellow he was, with curly -'air. - -"'They looks to me as if they was low 'ats,' he says; 'uncommon low--I -never saw none look lower.' - -"All three laughs. What at was more than I could say. I didn't know -what to make of 'em. There was they a-starin' at me, and there was I -a-starin' at them, with both my arms 'eaped up with them there 'ats. -Then the third one, he has a go--a stylish-lookin' chap. He was very -'an'some, like you sees in the barbers' shops. - -"'Waiter,' he says, 'are you a-'avin' a game with us?' - -"'A game, sir?' I says. 'Beggin' your pardon, sir, I'm not 'avin' no -game with no one. Do I look as if I was?' - -"Which I didn't feel it, I can tell you that. - -"'Well,' he says, 'I asks you for my 'at, and you offers me my choice -of them leavings from a rag-and-bone shop; so, if you ain't a-'avin' a -game with me, I don't know what you are a-'avin'.' - -"'Come, waiter!' says the one as had spoken first; 'didn't we tell you -as 'ow we was in a 'urry? Let us 'ave our 'ats. Don't keep on playing -the fool with us!' - -"'You must excuse me, gentlemen,' I says, speaking a trifle -warmish--because, as you'll understand, I was beginning to feel a -little badgered like; 'if anyone's a-playin' the fool it seems to -me--asking of your leave--as it's you as is playin' the fool with me!' - -"'Us as is playin' the fool with you?' they says, all together, as it -might be. - -"'Eggsactly,' I says. 'That is what I says,' I says, 'and that is what -I means,' I says. 'First, you asks me for to give you your 'ats; and -then, when I offers you some 'ats for you to take what is your own, -you starts a-larfin'. If, as you says, you're in a 'urry, perhaps -you'll step inside and cast your eyes around, and point out which is -your 'ats. You can take which ones you please for all I care; I'm sure -you're very welcome.' - -"With that they stepped in. When they was in, and I was in, there -wasn't much room left for anything but breathin', and 'ardly room -enough for that. - -"'Where is the 'igh 'ats?' says the stylish-lookin' feller. - -"'Where is your eyes?' I says. 'Ain't they all over the place? Why, -you're a-steppin' on one now!' - -"You should have seen the 'op he gave! - -"'These 'ats,' he says, 'from what I can see of 'em--which isn't -much--looks to me as if they had all been squashed.' - -"'Of course they has!' I says. ''Ow do you suppose I was a-goin' to -find room for them if they wasn't? This ain't the Halbit 'All, and yet -it ain't the Crystal Pallis!' - -"Then they looks at each other again; and, from the way in which they -done it, I felt as 'ow there was something which wasn't altogether -what it ought to be. So I goes on-- - -"'If them 'ats hasn't been squashed eggsactly as they ought to have -been squashed, that ain't my fault,' I says. 'You ought to have -squashed them for yourselves, as the other gents done. I don't know -nothing about the squashin' of 'igh 'ats, and I never laid myself out -as knowin' nothing. I just put them against my chest and I gives 'em a -shove, and then I sits on 'em to make 'em lay down flat. That's all I -done!' - -"While I was speakin' I could see them there young gents' mouths was -gettin' wider and wider open, and when I stopped they burst out -larfin' fit to split. What there was to larf at was more than I could -see. All I knew was, that I wished I 'adn't never come. They staggered -out into the 'all, and the curly-'eaded one, he cries out: - -"'Oh, Sheepshanks, do come 'ere!' Then a cove comes up, as I found out -afterwards was the bloke as was a-givin' the party. 'Oh, Sheepshanks!' -says this young feller; 'if he ain't squashed them just eggsactly as -they ought to have been squashed, don't you blame him. He never laid -himself out as knowin' nothing about the squashin' of 'igh 'ats, but -he's done his best--he's sat down upon them to make them lie down -flat! Oh, Lord! Someone put a piece of ice down my back, afore I die!' - -"This 'ere curly-'eaded young feller kep' on larfin' so I thought he -would have bust. Mr. Sheepshanks, he comes up to me, lookin' a bit -pinky. 'What's the matter? What's the meanin' of this?' he says. - -"'Oh!' says the curly-'eaded young feller, still a-bustin' of 'isself -a-larfin'; 'nothing! That waiter of yours has only been a-squashin' -the 'igh 'ats--every man-jack of 'em. For goodness sake ask him about -them--don't ask me! My gracious! why don't someone bring that piece of -ice?' - -"Mr. Sheepshanks, he came into the little band-box of a room, looking -pinkier and pinkier. He looks at some 'ats which I was a-'oldin' in my -'ands. - -"'What have you been a-doin' to those 'ats?' he says. - -"'I've only been a-squashin' 'em,' I says; 'that's all!' - -"'You've only been a-squashin' 'em?' he says--and he gives a kind of -gasp, like as if he was taken short of breath upon a sudden. And he -looks about the room. - -"'What 'ats are these?' he says. - -"'They is the 'ats,' I says, 'what was given to me by the gents as is -at the party.' - -"He gives another sort of gasp, and there came something into his face -what I didn't altogether like the look of. - -"'Who's been a-destroyin' of 'em?' he says. - -"'No one ain't been a-destroyin' of 'em,' I says. 'I've only been -a-sittin' on 'em to make 'em lie down flat.' - -"'Oh!' he says, short and sharp like. 'Is that all you have been -a-doin'? And what sort of a drunken idiot may you be, pray?' - -"'I'm not drunk,' I says, 'seein' as 'ow I haven't even seen the sight -of liquor since I've been inside this blessed 'ouse. And, as for -idiot, I ain't so much of a idiot, perhaps, as you are'; for I didn't -care who he was, nor yet what he was. I'd had about enough of being -bully-ragged. - -"'May I venture to ask who brought you here?' he says. - -"'No one brought me 'ere,' I says, 'seein' as 'ow I came along of Mr. -Perkins, to oblige him; and now I wish I hadn't, and so I tell you -straight.' - -"'I also,' he says,' am inclined to wish you hadn't.' - -"Very hard and stern he was. I didn't like the look of him, nor yet -the sound of him. 'Send Perkins to me,' he says. Presently Mr. -Perkins, he comes 'urryin' up. - -"'Perkins,' says Mr. Sheepshanks, 'what scoundrel is this you have -brought into my 'ouse?' - -"'It's only a young man from the country, sir,' says Perkins, 'as I -brought with me to 'elp in the cloak-room. I do 'ope he has been doin' -of nothing wrong?' - -"And he gives me a glare out of his eye, like as if I had been doin' -anything to him. - -"'I don't know if you're a-thinkin',' says this 'ere Mr. Sheepshanks, -a-puffin' and a-pantin', as it seemed to me, with rage, 'that I asked -my friends to my 'ouse to have their 'ats destroyed; because your -young man, as you says is from the country--and I 'opes to goodness as -'ow he'll soon go back to it!--has done for every one of 'em.' - -"'I denies it!' I says. 'I tells you again, as I tells you afore, that -I've only been a-squashin' of 'em and a-sittin' on 'em to make 'em lie -down flat!' - -"When I says that, the way Mr. Perkins goes on at me was what I never -had expected. He abused me scandalous. He took me by the neck, and he -'ustled me into the 'all. And there was all the people what was at the -party a-crowdin' on the stairs. If you'll believe me, before I 'ardly -knew what 'ad 'appened, I found myself a-standin'...!' - -"Yes, that were the first time ever I acted as a waiter--likewise, it -was the very last. - -"When I goes round to put the 'orse ready for market, his missus, she -meets me at the door. She gives me the money that was due to me, and -she says as 'ow she didn't think as 'ow I had better stay for to have -a talk with Perkins, because as 'ow he might be violent. So I didn't. -And I've never set eyes on him from that day to this. - -"It was some time before I quite understood what it was had made the -gents what was at that there party so excited. One day, comin' along a -street near the Strand, I sees in a shop window a 'igh 'at what was -a-shuttin' of itself up and a-openin' of itself out without, so far as -I could see, no one a-doin' nothing to it. Some sort of machinery, I -expect as 'ow it was. So I stops and I takes a look at it. There was a -boy a-lookin' at it too. So I says to him-- - -"'What kind of a 'at do you call that?' I says. - -"'It's a hopera 'at, ain't it?' he says. 'Who do you think as you're -a-gettin' at?' - -"I wasn't a-gettin' at no one, and it was like that there boy's -impudence to suppose as 'ow I was. - -"'Oh! a hopera 'at, is it?' I says. 'You don't 'appen to know if -that's the same as a 'igh 'at, do you?' - -"'A 'igh 'at!' he says. 'Go on! Ax your grandmother! P'r'aps your -mother 'ardly knows you're out! Go and prig the parish pump and pop it -with a peeler!' - -"And that there boy, he 'ooks it. And it was well for him he did. If I -had a-got my 'ands on him he'd have known it. But, from the way in -which that 'at was a-goin' on in that there window, and from what that -there boy says, I took it that there was two kinds of 'igh 'ats--the -hopera kind and the other kind. And, in supposin' that the other kind -could be squashed in, like the hopera kind, was just where I had made -my error." - - - - - Returning a Verdict - -It was in the country, at the last Quarter Sessions, a case of theft. -James Bailey, in the employ of Samuel Nichols, a fishmonger, was -charged with stealing certain trusses of hay and bushels of corn. The -jury had retired to consider their verdict. - -"Of course," observed the foreman, who had seated himself at the head -of the table, "we've only come out here as a matter of form. There's -no doubt that the young scamp did it." - -William Baker, leaning towards him, shading his hand with his mouth, -whispered, with the evident intention of addressing him in strictest -confidence, "I say guilty!" - -Some of the jurymen were standing about the room talking to one -another audibly on subjects which had not the slightest connection -with the case they were supposed to be considering. - -"What I want," said Slater, the butcher of Offley, to old George -Parkes of Wormald's Farm, "is a calf--a nice one--just about prime." - -With his heavy hand old Parkes nursed his stubbly chin. - -"Ah!" he reflected. "I haven't got nothing, not just now, I haven't. -Might have in about a month." - -Slater shook his head. "Must have it Friday." - -"Ah!" Mr. Parkes paused. "I haven't got nothing." Paused again. "I -might have, though." - -A. B. Timmins, secretary of the local branch of the Primrose League, -was calling across the room to Mr. Hisgard, a well-known amateur -vocalist, with a view of retaining his services for an approaching -"smoker." The foreman looked about him. He raised his voice, rapped on -the table. - -"Gentlemen, please--business!" Somebody laughed, as if the foreman had -been guilty of a joke--so he improved on it. "Business first, pleasure -afterwards." The laugher held his peace--the joke fell flat. The jury -seated themselves--not with any air of over-anxious haste. The foreman -continued--he was one of the most flourishing auctioneers in that -division of the county--and now spoke with that half persuasive, half -authoritative manner with which many of them were familiar in the -rostrum. "We must remember, gentlemen, that the court is waiting. So, -with your permission, we will come to the point at once. Those who are -of opinion that the prisoner is guilty will please hold up their -hands." Seven hands went up. "Those who are of the contrary opinion." -One hand was raised--Jacob Longsett's. Mr. Grice, the foreman, eyed -the three gentlemen who had made no sign on either occasion. He -addressed himself to one of them, "Well, Mr. Tyler, which is it to -be?" - -"The fact is, Mr. Grice," said Mr. Tyler, "that I've had a bad -earache--it was the draught which must have given it me. I think I -didn't quite catch all that was being said now and again; but I'm -willing to say what the other gentlemen do!" - -"You mean that you'll vote with the majority?" - -"That's just what I do mean, Mr. Grice." - -"I ain't going to say nothing," declared George Parkes, who had also -refrained from expressing an opinion. "I don't know no good about -young Bailey, nor yet about Sam Nichols neither. Sam Nichols, he's -owed me nigh on four pound these three years and more." - -"I don't think," observed the foreman, "that we ought to allow -personal considerations to enter into the case. It's our duty to speak -to the evidence, and to that only." - -"I don't care nothing about no evidence. The one's as big a thief as -t'other." - -Old George clenched his toothless jaws and blinked. - -"What'll he get if we bring him in guilty?" asked Mr. Plummer, the -third abstainer. - -The foreman shook his head. "That oughtn't to influence our decision." - -Mr. Plummer differed, and said so. - -"It'll influence mine. James Bailey is not yet eighteen. To send him -to prison will do him more harm than good. If his case is to come -under the First Offenders Act, we shall know where we are." - -"We might make a recommendation to that effect," suggested Captain -Rudd. - -"Excuse me," interposed Mr. Moss, "but I doubt if I could agree to our -doing that. I'm afraid that Master Bailey deserves some punishment. -This is not the first time he has done this sort of thing. He was -dismissed from his last two places for dishonesty." - -Again the foreman shook his head. - -"That didn't come out in the evidence. You know, gentlemen, what we -have to do is to dismiss from our minds any knowledge of the parties -which we may have outside the case, and confine our attention to the -sworn testimony." - -Mr. Moss smiled, declining to be pooh-poohed. - -"That's all very well in theory, Mr. Grice, but in practice it won't -do. Nichols, with his fish-cart, has done a daily round in this -country of some twenty miles or so for the last twelve or fourteen -years. I doubt if there is a person in this room who has not some -knowledge of him. As for Bailey, his mother lives within a hundred -yards of my house; I have known him ever since he was born. I am -acquainted, too, with his last two employers, and with the -circumstances under which he left them." - -"I know nothing of either of the parties," said Captain Rudd. - -"You are a new-comer. I doubt, as I say, if any other person present -can say the same." - -If any other person could, he didn't. There was a pause--broken by the -foreman. - -"Let us understand our position. Eight of us say guilty--Mr. Tyler -goes with the majority; two of us have not yet made up our minds; and -Mr. Longsett is the only one who says not guilty. May I inquire, Mr. -Longsett, on what grounds you favour an acquittal?" - -"You've no right to ask me anything of the kind. This is not the first -jury I've served on. Although you're foreman, you're only like the -rest of us. What you've got to do is to ask me if I say guilty or not -guilty. I say not guilty. - -"I believe, Mr. Longsett," insinuated Mr. Moss, "that Bailey is a -relation of yours?" - -"That's no business of yours." - -"Then are we to understand, Mr. Longsett"--the foreman spoke with -almost ominous suavity--"that you have arrived at a point at which you -are impervious to argument?" - -"I say not guilty." - -"Even though it may be demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt that -the prisoner is guilty?" - -"It's no good talking to me, Mr. Grice. I say not guilty." - -The foreman, stretching out his hands in front of him, looked round -the table with an air which was eloquent with deprecation. Old Parkes -banged his fist upon the board. - -"And I say guilty, and I hope they'll give him seven years--the -thieving varmint!" - -"Arrived at a state of sudden conviction--eh, George?" - -This was Mr. Timmins, who was middle-aged and jaunty. - -"Some people are easily convinced," growled Mr. Longsett. - -"You're not one of that sort, are you, Jacob?" - -This again was Mr. Timmins. - -"You won't convince me." - -Nor, judging from the expression of Jacob's visage, did there seem to -be much probability of their being able to do anything of the kind. -There was another interval of silence--broken this time by Captain -Rudd. - -"Then because this gentleman chooses to differ from us, without -condescending to give us his reason for so doing, are we to stultify -ourselves, and is justice to be baulked? Is that the situation, Mr. -Foreman?" - -"Excuse me, Captain Rudd, but Mr. Longsett is not alone. I also say -not guilty. The observation of Mr. Parkes, expressing a hope that the -prisoner will get seven years, shows to me that a spirit of malignancy -is in the air, and to that spirit I am unable to subscribe." - -The speaker was Mr. Plummer. The others looked at him. The foreman -spoke. - -"Pardon me, Mr. Plummer, but why do you say not guilty?" - -"Because I decline to be a participator in the condemnation of this -mere youth to a ruthless term of penal servitude." - -"But, my dear sir, he won't get penal servitude--Mr. Parkes was only -joking. He'll get, at the outside, three months." - -"That would be too much. It would be sufficient punishment for one of -his years--my views on the subject of juvenile delinquency I have -never disguised--that he should be requested to come up for judgment -when called upon." - -"But, my dear sir, if the magistrates leave us a free hand to do our -duty, why can't we leave them a free hand to do theirs? The issue we -have to decide upon is a very simple one; the responsibility of acting -on that decision will be theirs." - -Mr. Plummer settled his spectacles on his nose and was silent. Captain -Rudd addressed him. - -"I suppose you will not deny, sir, that all the evidence goes to prove -the prisoner's guilt?" - -"There are degrees in guilt." - -"Possibly--but you admit that there is guilt, even though it may only -be in the positive degree?" - -Again Mr. Plummer was still. Mr. Slater called to Mr. Longsett across -the table: - -"You're a sportsman, Jacob, and I'm a sportsman. I tell you what I'll -do. I'll toss you, guilty or not guilty. I can't stop messing about -here all day--I've got my beasts to dress." - -Mr. Longsett was obviously tempted; the offer appealed to the most -susceptible part of him. Still, he shook his head. - -"No," he grunted, as if the necessity of announcing such a refusal -pained him. "I shan't." - -Mr. Plummer was scandalised. - -"Such a proposal is disgraceful--it ought not to be allowed to be -made. Making of justice a mockery!" - -Mr. Slater declined to be snubbed--at least by Mr. Plummer. - -"Seems to me as if you don't quite know where you are. First you want -to preach to the magistrates, then you want to preach to the jury; -perhaps you think you're at the corner of High Street?" - -There were those who smiled. The reference was to Mr. Plummer's -fondness for open-air expositions of "the Word." Mr. Grice drummed -with his fingers on the table. - -"Come, gentlemen, come! we're wasting time. As business men we ought -to know its value. Now, Mr. Longsett, I've too much faith in your -integrity not to know that you're open to conviction. Tell us, where -do you think the evidence for the prosecution is not sufficiently -strong?" Mr. Longsett did not justify the foreman's faith by -answering. "Be frank, on what point are you not satisfied?" - -After more than momentary hesitation Mr. Longsett replied, without, -however, raising his eyes. - -"It's no use talking to me, Mr. Grice, so that's all about it. I say -not guilty!" - -Mr. Moss explained. - -"The plain fact is, Mr. Foreman, Mr. Longsett is a relation of the -prisoner; he ought not to have been on this jury at all." - -This time Mr. Longsett did raise his eyes--and his voice too. - -"I've as much right to be on the jury as you have--perhaps more. Who -do you think you are? I pay my way--and I pay my servants too! They -don't have to county-court me before they can get their wages. Only -the other day I was on a jury when they were county-courting you. So -it isn't the first jury I've been on, you see." - -Mr. Moss did not seem pleased. The allusion was to a difference which -that gentleman had had with one of his servants, and which had been -settled in the county court. Again the foreman drummed upon the board. - -"Order, gentlemen, order!" - -Mr. Timmins turned to Mr. Hisgard. He winked. - -"Have a game at crib, Bob? I knew Jacob would be here, so I came -provided!" - -He produced a cribbage-board. Once more the foreman interposed. - -"Keep to the business we have in hand, please, gentlemen." - -"Oh, they can have their game, I don't mind. Perhaps I came as well -provided as anyone else." - -As he replied Jacob took from his pocket a brown paper parcel of -considerable dimensions. Tom Elliott, who was sitting by him, -instantly snatching it, passed it on to Mr. Hisgard. - -"Have a sandwich, Mr. Hisgard?" - -"No, thank you. But perhaps Mr. Timmins will?" - -He passed the packet to Mr. Timmins. That gentleman made a feint of -opening it. Mr. Longsett, rising from his chair, reached for his -property across the table. - -"None of that; give it back to me." Mr. Timmins tossed the packet to -the other end of the table. - -"Now, Timmins, what do you mean by that? Do you want me to wipe you -across the head?" - -Mr. Timmins addressed Mr. Grice. "Now, Mr. Foreman, won't you offer -the jury a sandwich each? It is about our dinner-time." - -Mr. Grice eyed the packet in front of him as if he were more than half -disposed to act on the suggestion. - -"I really don't think, Mr. Longsett, that you ought to eat sandwiches -out of a pure spirit of contradiction." - -"Never mind what you think; you give me back my property, or I'll give -the whole lot of you in custody." The parcel was restored to him. He -brandished it aloft. "There you are, you see, a lot of grown men go -and steal another man's property, and you treat it as a joke. A mere -lad goes and looks at a truss of mouldy hay, and you want to ruin him -for life. And you call that justice! You ain't going to get me to take -a hand in no such justice, so I tell you straight!" - -"It went a little farther than 'looks,' didn't it, Mr. Longsett? -'Looks' won't carry even mouldy hay three miles across country." - -"And 'looks' won't carry my property from where I'm sitting down to -where you are! If Jim Bailey's a thief, so's Tom Elliott--there's no -getting over that. Why ain't we sitting on him instead of on that -there young 'un?" - -"See here, Jacob." Mr. Timmins stretched out towards him his open -palm. "Here's a sporting offer for you: if you'll bring Jim Bailey in -guilty, I'll bring in Tom Elliott!" - -"I won't bring in neither; the one's no more a thief than the other." - -"Nice for you, Tom, eh?" - -"Oh, I don't mind. I know Jacob. It's not the first time a member of -your family's been in trouble, is it, Jacob?" - -"By----! if you say that again I'll knock the life right out of you!" - -The foreman rapped upon the table. - -"Order, gentlemen, order! Keep to the business in hand, if you -please." - -Mr. Longsett confronted him, towering over Elliott, with clenched -fists and flashing eyes. - -"Keep him in order then--don't keep on at me! You make him keep a -civil tongue in his head, or I will." He glared round the board. "I -don't care for the whole damned lot of you. I'm as good as any one of -you--perhaps better! I'm here to do my duty according to my conscience -and conviction, and I'm going to do it, and I say not guilty, and if -we stop here till Christmas you won't make me say no different!" - -This announcement was followed by an interval of silence; then Captain -Rudd attempted to voice the sense of the meeting. - -"In that case, Mr. Foreman, we may as well intimate to the court that -we are unable to agree." - -"What'll be the consequence of that?" - -"The prisoner'll have to stand another trial, when, should none of his -relations happen to be upon the jury, there will be no hesitation -about bringing in a verdict of guilty--in which case the young scamp -will get his deserts." - -Stretching his body across the table, Jacob shook his clenched fist in -the speaker's face. - -"Look here, Captain Rudd, you may be a captain, but you're no blooming -gentleman, or you wouldn't talk like that. Captain or no captain, the -next time you say anything about Jim Bailey being a relation of mine -I'll crack you in the mouth!" Straightening himself, Jacob shook his -fist at the eleven. "And I say the same to every one of you. It's no -affair of yours what Jim Bailey is to me--so just you mind it." - -The captain curled, at the same time, his lip and his moustache, his -bearing conveying the scorn which he doubtless felt. - -"If you suppose, sir, that I shall allow you to play the common bully -with impunity, you are mistaken. You forget yourself, my man!" - -"Oh, no! I don't forget myself--it's you who forgot yourself. And as -for playing the common bully, it's you began it. You're trying to -bully me when you taunt me with Jim Bailey being my relation; you -think if you keep it on long enough you'll frighten me into acting -against my sense of duty." - -The foreman intervened sharply: "Order! Mr. Longsett, your language is -improper and irregular; if you are not careful I shall have to report -it to the court." - -"It's no more improper and irregular than theirs is. We're here to say -guilty or not guilty, not to pry into each other's private affairs. If -they don't make no personal remarks, I shan't." - -"Listen to reason, Mr. Longsett. Do I understand, Mr. Plummer, that -you will acquiesce in a verdict of guilty if we prefer a -recommendation to the court that the case shall be treated under the -First Offenders Act?" - -"You are at liberty to so understand, Mr. Grice." - -"And you, Mr. Longsett? If we are unable to agree the prisoner will -have to go back to prison, and, on his again standing his trial, I -have no hesitation in saying that he will be found guilty, when he -will be likely to receive much less lenient treatment than now, when -we are ready and willing to recommend him to mercy." - -"We're going to agree." - -"That's good hearing. You agree to a verdict of guilty, coupled with a -recommendation to mercy?" - -"I don't do nothing of the kind." - -"Then what do you agree to?" - -"I agree to a verdict of not guilty--that's what I agree to." - -"Then, in that case, we're likely to disagree. You can hardly expect -eleven men to go against the weight of evidence for the sake of -agreeing with you." - -"There's no hurry that I knows on. We'll wait a bit. I have heard of -juries being locked up for eight-and-forty hours. I daresay before -that time some of you'll have changed your minds. Seems to me that -there's three or four already that can change their minds as easy as -winking." He began, with a certain amount of ostentation, to untie the -string which bound his brown paper parcel. "I'm getting peckish. If -you don't mind, Mr. Foreman, we'll talk things over while I'm eating." - -The unfolding of the paper revealed the fact that it contained a -comfortable number of succulent-looking sandwiches. The eleven eyed -them--and their owner--sourly. Carefully taking the top one of the -heap between his finger and his thumb Mr. Longsett took a bite at it. -Seldom has the process of attacking a sandwich had a more attentive -audience. - -"I say, Jacob," observed Mr. Timmins, "aren't you going to give me -one?" - -"What, give you the food from between my own lips! Not if I know it. -We may be here till this time to-morrow. I've got to think of myself, -Mr. Timmins." - -"I'm not going to stop here till this time to-morrow, Jacob Longsett!" - -As he spoke old Parkes banged his fist upon the table. - -"All right, George Parkes, nobody asked you to, so far as I know. -Seems to me you're uncommon keen to send the lad to gaol." - -"I don't wish the lad no harm." - -"Seems to me as how you do." - -"I say I don't!" - -Mr. Parkes punctuated each of his remarks with a bang upon the board. - -"Then why don't you do what you've sworn to do, and bring him in not -guilty along of me?" - -"I don't care what I brings him in. It don't make no odds to me. It -ain't none of my affair. I've got my own business to 'tend to, and -when a man's got to my years he don't care to meddle in no one else's. -I'm willing to bring him in not guilty along of you, Jacob Longsett." - -"That's more like it. If there was more like you and me, George -Parkes, we'd soon be outside of this." - -Captain Rudd, who had listened to this short dialogue without evincing -any signs of approbation, once more endeavoured to urge the foreman to -action. - -"Don't you think, Mr. Foreman, that the time has arrived for you to -communicate the fact of our disagreement to the court?" - -Mr. Longsett made haste to differ. - -"Excuse me, Mr. Foreman, but, if Captain Rudd will allow me, I don't -think it has. We haven't been here hardly any time. There's no hurry, -so long as we're doing our duty. I daresay we'll all agree yet before -we've finished. All we want is a little patience." - -"And something to eat," said Mr. Timmins. - -"Then do you mean to say," exclaimed Mr. Longsett, as he commenced -upon another sandwich, "that you'd send a young lad to gaol, and blast -his good name for ever, just because you're hungry?" - -"May I be permitted to make a remark?" The inquiry came from Mr. -Tyler. He was holding his handkerchief to his ear; his general -expression was one of suffering. "Considering how little of the -evidence I really heard I don't wish it to be supposed that I have any -objection to a verdict of not guilty. And I may add that not only is -my earache driving me nearly mad, but my health, as a whole, as some -of you know, is bad, and I am easily exhausted. Had I supposed that -any of this sort of thing would have taken place I should have -procured a medical certificate excusing me. I appeal to gentlemen to -arrive as rapidly as possible at a decision, which will enable me to -obtain measures of relief." - -"Hear, hear!" Mr. Longsett rapped with his knuckles on the table. - -"I'd never have come," declared old Parkes, "if I'd a known I was -going to be kep' all day without my dinner. When a man gets to my -years he wants his victuals regular. I didn't have hardly no -breakfast, and I ain't had nothing since." - -"I tell you what it is," cried Slater; "I want my dinner, and I've got -my business to attend to--this is the busiest day of the week for me. -So far as I can see it doesn't make much difference how we bring it -in. You say that if you bring him in guilty you're going to get him -off: then why shouldn't you bring him in not guilty right away? If you -bring him in guilty I can't help thinking that he ought to be -punished--he won't care nothing for your bringing him in guilty if he -isn't; while, if you bring him in not guilty, he'll thank his stars -for the narrow squeak he'll think he's had, and it'll be a lesson to -him as long as he lives." - -"There is," allowed Mr. Plummer, "a good deal in what Mr. Slater -says." - -"There is one thing against it," murmured Mr. Moss. His voice was -rather squeaky, and, as if conscious of the fact, he generally -produced it as softly as he could. - -"What's that?" - -"The evidence. We are supposed to be influenced by the evidence, and -by that only." - -"It struck me that the evidence was all one-sided." - -"Precisely--on the side of the prosecution. Since the case was -practically undefended the presumption is that the prisoner had no -defence to offer." - -"But, as practical men," persisted Mr. Plummer, "does it not occur to -you that there is a good deal in what Mr. Slater says? If we find the -lad not guilty we shall teach him a lesson, and, at the same time, not -be placing on his character an ineffaceable slur. We might, for -instance, state in open court, through the mouth of our worthy -foreman, that we are willing to give the prisoner the benefit of the -doubt." - -"But there is no doubt. Let us do justice though the heavens fall. -Have you yourself any doubt that James Bailey stole Samuel Nichols's -corn and hay?" - -"Ah, dear sir, there is only One who can say. He has no doubt. We are -not omniscient." - -"That sort of talk may be all very well in a pulpit, Mr. Plummer. It -is out of place in a court of law when we are dealing with ascertained -facts." - -Mr. Plummer raised his hands and shook his head, as if he was sorry -for Mr. Moss. - -"Let us show mercy, that we may be shown it," he all but whispered. - -"In other words," struck in Captain Rudd, "we are to do evil in order -that good may come--even to the extent of prostituting truth." - -"I am afraid, in our present situation, these things are not arguable. -Some of us, thank Heaven, see things through eyes of our own." - -"Precisely, and it is because they don't appear to be arguable that I -once more suggest to the foreman that the court be informed that we -are unable to agree." - -"And I again take leave to differ. Why now, there's"--Mr. Longsett -pointed with his finger--"one--two--three--four--five of us as says -not guilty. We're agreeing more and more every minute. I dare bet any -money we'll all be like one family before we get outside this room. If -the foreman ain't got no particular objection I'll have a moistener. I -never could eat dry." Taking a black bottle out of an inner pocket in -his overcoat he applied it to his lips. Such of the eleven as were not -keenly observant ostentatiously turned their eyes another way. He took -a long and hearty pull, then he smacked his lips. "Good stuff that; I -always like a drop when I've been eating--helps digestion." - -"This is more than human nature can stand," groaned Mr. Timmins. "Mr. -Foreman, I move that the magistrates be informed that we are unable to -agree, and I request that you put that motion without further delay." - -"I second that motion," said Captain Rudd. - -"And I say no!" - -Jacob flourished his bottle. Mr. Timmins's visage, as he confronted -Mr. Longsett, became slightly inflamed. - -"We don't care what you say. Do you think we're going to sit here, -watching you guzzling, as long as ever you please? If you want -to give a proper verdict you give one which is according to the -evidence--we're not going to let you play the fool with us, Jacob, my -boy." - -Extending the open palm of his left hand, Mr. Longsett marked time on -it with the bottle which he was holding in his right. - -"Excuse me, Mr. Foreman, but perhaps I know a bit of law as well as -the rest of you, and I say that the law is this, that before a jury -can tell the court anything it's got to agree upon what it's going to -tell. And what I mean by that is this, that before any one of us--I -don't care if it's the foreman, or who it is!--can tell the court that -we disagree we've got to agree to disagree--and I don't agree!" - -Mr. Moss put a question to the foreman. - -"Is that really the case?" - -The foreman smiled a wintry smile--and temporised. - -"I shouldn't positively like to say." - -"But I do say positively. You can ask the magistrates, if you like, -and see if I'm not right. Why, if you go into court now and say that -we disagree I shall say we don't! I shall say that if we only have a -little more time we shall agree yet; all we want's a chance of talking -it over." - -The foreman, pressing his fingers together, addressed Mr. Longsett -with an air that was acid. - -"Then, according to you, if one member of a jury chooses to make -himself objectionable his colleagues are at his mercy?" - -Jacob rose from his seat in such a flame of passion that it almost -seemed he was going to hurl his bottle at the foreman's head. - -"Don't you call me objectionable, Mr. Grice! I won't have it! I'm no -more objectionable than you are! I've got as much right to an opinion -as you, and because my opinion don't happen to be the same as yours -you've no right to call me names. If we all start calling each other -names a nice state of things that'll be. A pretty notion of a -foreman's duties you seem to have!" - -Mr. Grice, who was not pugilistic, turned a trifle pale; he did not -seem happy. Captain Rudd, tilting his chair backwards, and thrusting -his hands into his trouser pockets, looked up at the ceiling. - -"This is the sort of thing which brings the jury system into -contempt." - -"What's that, Captain Rudd?" Mr. Longsett, who was still upon his -feet, chose his words with much deliberation, emphasising them with -shakings of his fist. "You mean you're the sort, I suppose? You're -quite right, you are. You've been in the army, you see, and you think -we're soldiers, to come to heel whenever you tell us, and that's where -you're mistaken, Captain Rudd. We're free Englishmen, and we don't -choose to have you come the officer over us--and that's how you make -the thing contemptible by trying." - -There was silence. His colleagues seemed to be arriving at the -conclusion that Jacob was a difficult man to differ with. - -"It strikes me," said Mr. Timmins, when the silence was becoming -painful, "that if the law is really such that we've got to stop here -till our good Jacob takes it into his generous head to let us go, you -and I, Mr. Hisgard, might have that little game of crib I was speaking -of; it may help us forget where we are, and that we're not going to -have any dinner till it's past supper time." - -"Just you wait a minute. Perhaps," replied Mr. Hisgard, "I may be -allowed to say a word." No one appeared to have any objection. "What I -wish to remark is this. With all deference, I think Mr. Slater spoke -as a practical man. I don't see that there's much difference between -saying guilty and at the same time asking the magistrate to award no -punishment, and, as Mr. Slater puts it, bringing it in not guilty -right away." - -Mr. Timmins, who had been shuffling a pack of cards, replaced them on -the table. - -"All right. Let's have it that way and make an end of it. Suppose we -all say not guilty and caution him not to do it again--what's the -odds?" - -"So far as I'm concerned," observed Tom Elliott, "I'm willing to bring -him in not guilty. It's my belief he's been led into it all along, and -I know perhaps as much about it as anyone. There's a good deal about -the affair what's been kept quiet by both sides. Perhaps I might have -said a word for one." - -Mr. Moss interrogated the foreman with uplifted eyebrows. - -"Do you think it does make any difference?" - -The foreman shrugged his shoulders. He was still. Captain Rudd spoke -for him. - -"It makes the difference between right and wrong--that's all." - -Mr. Plummer leaned his elbows on the table; his spectacled countenance -wore its most benevolent smile. - -"Hearken to me, dear sir. We are all Christian men----" - -"Not necessarily at this moment; at this moment we are jurymen--only -jurymen." - -Mr. Plummer sighed, as if in sorrow. He turned to the others, as if -desiring their forgiveness for the captain. - -"This gentleman--I trust he will pardon me for saying so--puts a curb -upon his natural generosity. His is what we may, perhaps, term the -military mind--precise, and, if we may say so, just a little--the -merest atom--hard. For my part I think, Mr. Foreman, we might, as -Christian men, conscientiously return a negative finding, intimating -at the same time that, owing to the prisoner's tender years, we are -not unwilling to give him the benefit of the doubt." - -The captain dissented. - -"What sort of mind do you call yours, sir? Were we to return such a -verdict, we should make of ourselves the laughing-stock of England." - -The foreman shook his head. - -"I hardly think England will interest itself in our proceedings to -that extent. Similar verdicts in similar cases are, I imagine, more -common than you may suppose. I am not advocating such a course, but I -believe it would be logically possible for us to inform the -magistrates that, while some of us entertain strong opinions on the -subject of the prisoner's guilt, being desirous to arrive at a state -of agreement, and also bearing in mind the youth of the accused, we -are willing to acquiesce in a verdict of acquittal." - -"I agree to that," cried Mr. Longsett. "That's fair enough. Now, is it -all settled?" - -"I'm not." - -The speaker was the captain. All eyes were turned on him. - -The foreman spoke. - -"Don't you think, captain, you--might swallow a gnat?" - -"I don't wish to set myself up as a superior person, but, under the -circumstances, I'm afraid I can't." - -"Quite so. Now we know where we are." Mr. Longsett composed himself in -his chair; planting his hands against his sides he stuck out his -elbows; he screwed up his mouth. "It just shows you how one man can -play skittles with eleven others." - -The captain was silently contemptuous. - -"I really doubt if it matters." It was Mr. Moss who said it; he -whispered an addition into the captain's ear: "If the young scamp -isn't hung to-day he'll be hung to-morrow." - -The captain ignored the whisper; his reply was uttered with sufficient -clearness. - -"Perhaps, sir, your sense of duty is not a high one." - -The eleven eyed each other, and the table, and vacancy; a spirit of -depression seemed to be settling down upon them all. Old Parkes, with -elongated visage, addressed a melancholy inquiry to no one in -particular. "What's us sitting here for?" - -Jacob responded--"That's what I should like to know, George. Perhaps -it's because a gentleman's made up his mind to ruin a poor young lad -for life." - -The captain took up the gauntlet. - -"I presume it is useless for me to point out to you that your -statement is as incorrect as it is unjustified. I have heard a good -deal about the absurdities of the jury system. I may tell you, sir, -that you have presented me with an object-lesson which will last me -the rest of my life. It occurs to me as just possible that the sooner -the system is reformed the better." - -"Ah! I daresay it would. Then gentlemen like you would be able to -grind poor lads under your feet whenever it suited you. Oh, dear, no! -You think yourself somebody, don't you, captain?" - -Captain Rudd looked as if he would if he could; in his eyes there -gleamed something very like a foreshadowing of assault and battery. -The foreman made a little movement with his hands, which, possibly, -was intended to be a counsel of peace. Anyhow, the captain allowed the -last word to be Jacob's. Mr. Tyler, his handkerchief still pressed to -his ear, appealed to the captain in a tone of voice which was almost -tearful. - -"As man to man, sir, let me beseech you to take pity on the dreadful -situation we are in." - -"To what situation do you allude, sir?" - -"I am alluding, sir, to the dreadful pain which I am enduring in my -left ear; you can have no conception of its severity. Besides which I -have a sadly weakly constitution generally--as is well known to more -than one gentleman who is now present. I have suffered for the last -twenty years from chronic lumbago, together with a functional -derangement of the liver, which, directly any irregularity occurs in -my hours or habits, invariably reduces me to a state of collapse. I -assure you that if this enforced confinement and prolonged abstention -from my natural food endures much longer, in my present state of -health the consequences may be highly serious." - -"I don't follow your reasoning, sir. Because you are physically -unfitted to serve upon a jury, and culpably omitted to inform the -court of the fact, you wish me not to do my duty, you having already -failed to do yours?" - -"I wish you," sighed Mr. Tyler, "to be humane." - -"This is the first jury ever I was on," groaned Mr. Parkes, shaking -his ancient head as if it had been hung on wires, "and I'll take care -that it's the last. Such things didn't ought to be--not when a man's -got to my years, they didn't. Who's young Jim Bailey, I'd like to -know, that we should go losing our dinners acause of him? Hit him over -the head and ha' done with it--that's what I say." - -"You must excuse me, Captain Rudd," said Mr. Timmins, "but why can't -you strain a point as well as the rest of us? Why shouldn't we, as a -body of practical men, take a merciful view of the position and give -the boy another chance? He is only a boy after all." - -"We are not automata though we are jurymen, and surely we may, without -shame, allow ourselves to be actuated by the dictates of our common -humanity." - -Thus Mr. Plummer. Mr. Slater agreed with him in a fashion of his own. - -"Let the boy go and have done with it--I daresay we can trust Jacob to -give him a good sound towelling." - -"He's had that already." - -There was a grimness in Mr. Longsett's tone which caused more than one -of his hearers to smile. - -"I'll be bound his mother's crying her eyes out for him at home." - -This was Tom Elliott. Mr. Plummer joined his hands as if in -supplication. - -"Poor woman!" he murmured. - -"It comes hard upon the mothers," said Mr. Hisgard. - -"And Jim Bailey's mother is as honest and hard-working a woman as ever -lived--that I know as a fact. And she's seen a lot of trouble!" - -As he made this announcement Mr. Timmins shuffled his pack of cards, -as if the action relieved his mind. For some moments everyone was -still. Suddenly Mr. Tyler, who had been looking a picture of misery, -broke into audible lamentations. - -"Oh dear! oh dear! I'm very ill! Won't anyone take pity on a man in -agony?" - -So intense was his sympathy with his own affairs that the tears -trickled down his cheeks. Mr. Timmins endeavoured to encourage him. - -"Come, Mr. Tyler, come! Bear up! It'll soon be over now!" - -"If anything serious comes of the cruel suffering which is being -inflicted on me I shall look to you gentlemen for compensation. I'm a -poor man; it's always a hard struggle, with my poor health, to make -two ends meet. I can't afford to pay doctors' bills which have been -incurred by the actions of others!" - -"That's pleasant hearing--what do you think, Mr. Hisgard?--if we've -got to contribute to this gentleman's doctors' bills! Come, Mr. Tyler, -don't talk like that, or soon we shall all of us be ill. I know I -shall!" - -There was a further pause. Then Mr. Moss delivered himself. - -"I'm bound to admit that what Mr. Timmins has said of the prisoner's -mother I know to be correct of my own knowledge. Mrs. Bailey has been -a widow for many years; she has brought up a large family with the -labour of her own hands; she has had many difficulties to contend -with, and is deserving of considerable sympathy. There is that to be -said. Come, Captain Rudd, for once in a way let us be illogical. If -you will agree to a verdict of not guilty I will." - -Captain Rudd, his head thrown back, continued for some moments to -silently regard the ceiling. The others watched him, exhibiting, in -various degrees, unmistakable anxiety. Finally, with his eyes still -turned ceilingwards, he capitulated. - -"All right. Let it be as you say. Rather than the gentleman in front -of me should perish on his chair, and other gentlemen should suffer -any longer from the absence of their 'natural food,' I am willing to -be joined with the rest, and, with you, to place myself under the -dominion of Mr. Jacob Longsett's thumb." - -"Hear, hear! Bravo!" There were observations expressive of -satisfaction from different quarters; but Mr. Longsett, in particular, -was enthusiastic in his approbation. - -"Your words does you honour, captain!" - -"You think so?--I'm sorry we differ." - -The foreman rapped upon the table. - -"Order, gentlemen, please. Then may I take it that, at present, we are -finally agreed upon a verdict of not guilty?" - -"Coupled," corrected Mr. Moss, "with an intimation to the effect that, -considering the prisoner's age, we have been willing to give him the -benefit of the doubt." - -"Precisely. Does any other gentleman wish to make an observation? -Apparently not. Then may I also take it that we are ready to return -into court?" - -Acclamations in the affirmative rose from all sides. The foreman rang -the hand-bell which was in front of him. The usher appeared. - - - * * * * * - - -So the prisoner was acquitted, no one in the court having the faintest -notion why. - - - - - The Chancellor's Ward - - - I. - -One really ought to write, She married him, not He married her. - -"The simple question is, my dear Tommy, are you going to take me or -leave me?" - -This was in Hyde Park. They were seated on one of those seats which -are in front of the police-station. Neither of them ought to have been -there, which, of course, was one of the reasons why they were. Mr. -Stanham turned his eye-glass full upon Miss Cullen. Perhaps he thought -that that was sufficient answer. Anyhow, she went on: - -"In other words, are you going to marry me, or are you not?" - -"I am; gad, I should rather hope so. I say, don't be too hard upon a -fellow, Frank." - -"Call me Fanny, don't call me Frank! Don't you know that my name is -Frances, sir, which has absolutely no connection with Frank?" - -"That's all right, old man." - -That is what Mr. Stanham murmured. Extraordinary how some men do talk -to women nowadays, even to the women whom they love! - -"Then, if you do intend to marry me, Mr. Thomas Stanham, you'll be so -good as to do so on Thursday morning next, before noon." - -Mr. Stanham began to scratch the gravel with his stick. - -"And get seven years' penal." - -"Stuff! They don't give you penal servitude for marrying wards in -Chancery. It's contempt of court." - -"Yes, I know. Have to wash out your cell at Holloway, and stand at -'attention,' with your hat off, while the governor cuts you dead." - -"Then perhaps you will be so good as to tell me what it is that you do -propose to do. Do you imagine that you are the sort of person the -Court of Chancery will ever allow to marry me?" - -"Haven't so much imagination, my dear Frank." - -"Call me Fanny, not Frank! You are not to call me Frank. Then do you -suppose that I'm the sort of girl who's willing to wait, and not to -marry her sweetheart, until she's twenty-five? because if you suppose -anything of that kind we must be perfect strangers." - -"It's very good of you, I'm sure." - -"Oh, I daresay. You don't love me that much." Miss Cullen flicked her -parasol. "Because a horrid old uncle chooses to say that I'm to be a -ward of the court until I'm five-and-twenty am I to be a spinster all -my life? If you love me the least little bit you'd invite the Lord -Chancellor to come and see you marry me in the middle of Hyde Park, -even if, directly the deed was done, he had your head cut off on Tower -Hill." - -"Thanks, dear boy." - -Of course he married her. On the morning of the specified Thursday she -went out for a stroll, and he went out for a stroll, and they met at -the registrar's, and, as she put it, the deed was done. - -And, when the deed was done, she went home to lunch, and he went, not -home to lunch, but to a private place, where he could swear. Now here -they were, both of them, at Tuttenham. They encountered each other on -the doorstep. She said, "How do you do, Mr. Stanham?" And he said, -"How do you do, Miss Cullen?" - -"Nice way in which to have to greet your own wife," he told himself, -having reached the comparatively safe solitude of his own apartment. - -Then the Duke got him into his own particular smoking-room. The Duke -was in an arm-chair. Mr. Stanham stood before the fireplace with his -hands in his pockets. The talk wandered from Dan to Beersheba. Then, a -good deal _ą propos des bottes_, the Duke dropped what he evidently -intended to be taken as a hint. - -"If you take my advice, young man, you'll keep clear of Frances -Cullen. She's here." - -Mr. Stanham winced. - -"Is she? Yes, I know. I met her on the steps." - -"Did you!" - -The Duke eyed him. He, not improbably, had observed the wince. - -"Warnings are issued all along that coast. Steer clear." - -"What do you think they'd do to a man if he were to marry her?" -"Do to him! Tommy! I hope you're not meditating such a crime. She's -not an ordinary ward of the court, any more than she's an ordinary -millionaire." - -"So I suppose." - -"You had a little run with her in town. Everybody had their eyes on -you, as you're aware. And when the Duchess told me she was coming I'd -half a mind to write and put you off--fact! This is not a house in -which even tacit encouragement can be offered to a dalliance with -crime. Not"--the Duke puffed at his pipe--"not that she's half a bad -sort of girl. She's clever. Very pretty. And she's got a way about her -which plays havoc with a man." - -"Much obliged to you, I'm sure." - -"What do you mean?" - -"For saying a good word for my wife." - -"Your wife?" - -"Mrs. Thomas Stanham--_née_ Cullen." - -"Tommy! You don't mean it!" - -"You can bet your pile I do, and then safely go one better. I've got a -copy of the marriage certificate in my pocket, and I rather fancy that -she's got the original document in hers." - -"You--young blackguard!" - -"Sort of cousin of yours, ain't I, Datchet? It's all in the family, -you know, blackguard and all." - -"How did you do it?--And when?--And who knows?" - -"Only you and me, and the lady. That's what's weighing on my mind. -What's the good of having a wife if she ain't your wife--or, at any -rate, if you daren't say that she's your wife, for the life of you?" - -The Duke suddenly rose from his seat. He seemed to be in a state of -actual agitation. - -"Tommy, do you know that the Chancellor is coming here?" - -"Who?" - -"The Lord Chancellor. The carriage went to meet him an hour ago. I -expect him every moment." - -Mr. Stanham looked a trifle blank. - -"I didn't know the ministry was formed." - -"It's formed, but it's not announced; Triggs is to be the Chancellor." - -"And what sort of gentleman may Triggs be when he's at home?" - -"Sir Tristram? Well!" The Duke was walking up and down the room. He -appeared to be reflecting. "He's rather a queer card, Triggs is. He's -been a bit of a wildish character in his time--and they do say that -his time's not long gone. He has a temper of his own--a nasty one." -Pausing, the Duke fixedly regarded Mr. Stanham. "I should say that -when Triggs learns what you have done he will clap you into gaol, and -keep you there, at any rate until Miss Cullen ceases to be a ward of -the court." - -Mr. Stanham's countenance wore a look of dire consternation. - -"No! She's to be a ward until she's twenty-five, and she's not yet -twenty-two." - -"Then, in that case, I should say that, at the very least, you are in -for three good years of prison. My advice to you is----" - -The Duke's advice remained unuttered. Just at that moment the door was -opened. A servant ushered in a new-comer. - -"Sir Tristram Triggs." - -The Duke, striding forward, held out both his hands. "Sir Tristram! -And how long is it to be Sir Tristram?" - -The other shrugged his shoulders. - -"For a few hours, more or less, I suppose. I don't know much about -this kind of thing. I daresay I shall know more about it when I've -done." - -"When you've done? May that not be for many and many a year! Allow me -to introduce to you a friend of mine--Mr. Thomas Stanham." - -Sir Tristram turned. For the first time he appeared to notice Mr. -Stanham. - -Physically the new great man was short, and inclined to ponderosity. -The entire absence of hair upon his face served to accentuate its -peculiar characteristics. It was a square face--and, in particular, -the jaw was square. His big eyes looked from under a penthouse formed -by his overhanging brows. As one looked at him one instinctively felt -that this was a man whom it would be safer to have as a friend than an -enemy. As he turned a faint smile seemed to be struggling into -existence about the corners of his great mouth. But directly his -glance alighted upon Mr. Stanham that smile vanished into the -_ewigkeit_. He looked at him very much as a bull-terrier might look at -a rat. And he said, in a tone of voice which seemed fraught with -curious significance-- - -"I have had the pleasure of meeting this gentleman before." - -On his part Mr. Stanham regarded Sir Tristram with a supercilious air -which, perhaps unconsciously to himself, was only too frequently seen -upon his face--as if Sir Tristram were an inferior thing. - -"I'd no idea that your name was Triggs." - -The Duke, standing behind Sir Tristram, clenched his fists, and glared -at Mr. Stanham as if he would like to have knocked him down. - -It happened, shortly afterwards, that Miss Cullen left her bedroom to -come downstairs. As she went along the corridor she met a gentleman -who was being conducted by a servant, probably to his own apartment. -The gentleman was Sir Tristram Triggs. When Sir Tristram saw Miss -Cullen, and Miss Cullen saw Sir Tristram, they both of them stopped -short. The great man's complexion was, normally, of a ruddy hue. At -sight of the lady he turned the colour of a beetroot, boiled. She drew -herself up to the full capacity of her inches. And she uttered a -single monosyllable. - -"You!" - -That was all she said--then went sweeping on. - -"That horrid man!--He here!--To think of it!--If I'd only known that -he was coming I do believe, in spite of Tommy, that I'd have stayed -away." - -At the foot of the stairs Miss Cullen encountered Mr. Stanham. That -gentleman had, as he was wont to have, his hands in his pockets. Also, -as he was not wont to have, he had a face as long as his arm. - -"I say, Frank, old man, isn't there somewhere where I can have a word -or two with you on the strict Q.T.?" - -"Certainly--the library. There's never a soul in there." - -One would not like to libel Tuttenham so far as to say, with Miss -Cullen, that the only tenants the library ever had were the books. -But, on that occasion, it did chance that the pair had the whole place -to themselves. Mr. Stanham perched himself on a corner of the table, -still with his hands in his pockets. - -"There's going to be a pretty kettle of fish, dear boy." - -That was what the gentleman observed. - -"My dear child, what do you mean? What is the matter?" - -"The Lord Chancellor's here." - -"No!--How do you know?" - -"Datchet just introduced me to him." - -"Oh, Tommy, I say, what fun!" - -With a little laugh the lady clapped her hands. She appeared to be -gifted with a keener eye for comedy than Mr. Stanham. - -"I don't know what you call fun. It happens that the new Lord -Chancellor is a man who, I have good reason to believe, would give a -tidy trifle for a chance of getting his knife into me." - -"Whatever for?" - -"I'll tell you the story. Last year, when I was at Canterstone for the -shooting, I was placed next to a man whom I had never seen in my life, -and whom I never wanted to see in my life again. What Charlie asked -him for beats me. I believe, if he knew one end of a gun from the -other, it was as much as he did know. I doubt if there ever was his -ditto as a shot. I wiped his eye over and over again. I kept on doing -it. I couldn't help it--I had to. He never hit a bird. But he didn't -like it any the more for that. We had something like a row before the -day was over. I fancy that I said something about a barber's clerk. -Anyhow, I know I walked off there and then." - -"You nice, agreeable child! It's my opinion that all you men are the -same when you are shooting--missing links. And, pray, what has this -pleasant little sidelight on the sweetness of your disposition got to -do with the new Lord Chancellor?" - -"Only this--the new Lord Chancellor's the man I called a barber's -clerk." - -"Tommy! How horrible!" - -"It does seem pretty lively. You should have seen how he looked at me -when Datchet just now introduced us. Unless I am mistaken in the -gentleman, when this little affair of ours leaks out, and I'm brought -up in front of him and he sees who I am, he'll straightway consign me -to the deepest dungeon, and keep me there, at any rate as long as he's -Lord Chancellor. It's only a cheerful little prophecy of mine. But you -mark my words, and see." - -"My poor dear boy! Whatever shall we do?" - -"There's one thing I should like to do, and chance it; I should like -to kick Sir Tristram Triggs!" - -"Kick who? Sir Tristram Triggs! Tommy! Why would you like to kick Sir -Tristram Triggs?" - -"That's the beggar's name." - -"The beggar's name? Can it be that Sir Tristram Triggs is the new Lord -Chancellor?" She threw out her arms with a gesture of burlesque -melodrama. "Tommy! Kiss me! Quick. Before I faint!" - -"I never saw a chap like you for kissing." - -"That's a pretty thing to say! Although we may be married, sir, we -have not yet been upon our honeymoon." - -"I'll kiss you, if you like." - -"Thank you kindly, gentle sir!" She favoured him with a sweeping -curtsey. "Tommy, even you have no idea of the ramifications and -complications of our peculiar situation." Mr. Stanham had removed his -hands from his pockets. They occupied a more agreeable position round -the lady's waist. "See if I don't snatch you from the lion's jaws." - -"Does that mean that you will help me to escape from Holloway?" - -"It means that you will never get as far as Holloway!" - -"Am I to die upon the road then?" - -"Don't talk like that, don't! You don't know what a wife you've got! -You don't know how she loves you, worthless creature that you are! -Tommy, do say that you love me, just a little bit! There, you needn't -squeeze me quite so tight. I can't explain to you all about it. I will -some day! There's going to be a duel, perhaps to the death! between -the Lord Chancellor and yours to command; and if that august -personage, in the figure anyhow, of Sir Tristram Triggs, is not -worsted and overthrown, I will give you leave, sir, to say that you do -not admire my taste in dress. Tommy, don't." - - - II. - -After dinner Miss Cullen, strolling about the great glasshouse, all -alone, came upon Sir Tristram, also all alone. Although not, probably, -more than half an inch taller than the gentleman, she looked,--yes, -down at him, as if, comparatively, he were but an insect at her feet. - -"Well, Sir Tristram, what amends do you propose to make to me?" - -"Miss Cullen?" - -"Sir?" - -She gazed at him; and this famous lawyer, who had been more than a -match for the _olla podrida_ of the law courts, and the champions of -the political ring, quailed before a young girl's eyes. - -"I fear, Miss Cullen, that I fail to apprehend your meaning." - -"Is it possible that you are an habitual desecrater of that law which -you have sworn to uphold, and that, therefore, the details of your -crimes are apt to escape your memory? More than three months have -elapsed since you committed your crime. So far as I know you have not -sought as yet to take advantage of any occasion to offer me -atonement." - -Sir Tristram faced round to her with something of the bulldog look -which had come upon his face when he had found himself in front of Mr. -Stanham. - -"May I inquire, Miss Cullen, why you go out of your way to use -language of such extravagant exaggeration? It would be gross -absurdity, amounting almost to prostitution of language, to call the -offence of which I was guilty, if it was an offence, a crime." - -"Perhaps it is because you are a lawyer that you are unaware that not -so very long ago a man was sentenced to six months' imprisonment for -exactly the same thing." - -Sir Tristram fidgeted. He seemed not to have complete control over his -tongue. - -"Miss Cullen, I trust that I may never be found lacking in respect to -a lady. If I have been so unfortunate as to have offended you I -proffer you my most sincere apologies, and I humbly entreat for your -forgiveness." - -Miss Cullen remained, obviously, wholly unmoved. - -"When a criminal expresses his contrition, is he held, by so doing, to -have sufficiently purged himself of his offence?" - -"What is it that you require of me?" - -"I am told that you are to be the new Lord Chancellor. I am a ward in -chancery." - -"I learn the fact with the greatest pleasure." - -"Do you? Then your pleasure bears a strong resemblance to my pain. I -am to remain a ward till I am twenty-five." - -"Indeed?" - -Sir Tristram began to rub his hands. - -"Yes, indeed! I had an objectionable uncle who was so foolish as to -suppose that I could not be a better judge of my own life's happiness -than--a number of elderly gentlemen." - -"Hem!" Sir Tristram coughed. - -"If I was willing to overlook your offence"--Sir Tristram smiled--"I -should require a _quid pro quo_." - -"And what, my dear Miss Cullen, would be the nature of the _quid pro -quo?_" - -"I should want you to consent to my marrying." - -"To consent to your marrying?--Ah!--I see!--If the matter is laid -before me in due and proper form--it is possible that you have a -certain individual in your mind's eye whom you are willing to make the -happiest of men--and I was satisfied that he was a fit and a proper, -person, and every care was taken to safeguard your interests--then, my -dear Miss Cullen, nothing would give me greater pleasure than to give -my consent to your being happily launched on what, I fear, is too -often the troubled sea of marriage." - -"That's not the sort of thing I want at all." - -"No? Then what is the sort of thing you want, may I inquire?" - -The young lady tapped her foot against the floor. For the first time -she seemed to be not entirely at her ease. - -"The fact is, I'm married already." - -"Married--already? With the consent of the court?" - -"Bother the court!" - -"Young lady! Are you aware who it is to whom you are speaking?" - -"I am perfectly aware. I am speaking to the person who kissed me -against my will." - -"Miss Cullen! I'm the Chancellor!" - -"That for the Chancellor!" - -She actually snapped her fingers in his face. He seemed to be -speechless; though, perhaps, he only seemed so. When he did speak it -was as if he were suffering positive pain. - -"I find myself unable to believe that you are capable of realising the -position in which I stand, the position in which you stand too. -Personal misusage I might endure. But, in this matter, I am -impersonal. Take care! I represent in my poor person the majesty of -English law." - -He turned as if to go. If he supposed that he had crushed her he was -very much mistaken. - -"Is that your last word, Sir Tristram?" - -"Miss Cullen, it is my last." - -"Then, now, be so good as to listen to my last word. The Duke of -Datchet is a magistrate. I will go straight to him and demand from him -a warrant for your arrest." - -"A warrant for my arrest? Girl!" - -"I presume that it is because I am a girl that you are enough of a man -first to assault and then to bully me." - -Taking out his handkerchief Sir Tristram applied it to his brow. - -"Am I mad, or you? Are you utterly impervious to any sort of reason?" - -"Not more than you are. I have yet to learn that, because you are Lord -Chancellor, you cannot be made to answer for your crimes, exactly like -any other criminal. Forgive my husband, forgive me, whose only crime -has been that we love each other, and who have not offended in the -sight either of heaven or of earth, and I will forgive you, who have -offended in the sight of both. Decline to do so, and, unless there is -one law for the great and another for the small, in which case the -world shall hear of it, I promise that you shall learn, from personal -experience, what it means to go to gaol." - -Sir Tristram looked about him as if he wondered why the earth did not -open to swallow her. He seemed to gasp for breath. - -"Miss Cullen, I beg that you will not suppose that under any possible -circumstances I could listen, even for a single instant, to what, to -me, are your hideous insinuations. But one possible solution I do see -to the painful situation in which you stand. If the person whom you -have illicitly and improperly married----" - -"Not improperly married,--how dare you!" - -"In the eyes of the court, Miss Cullen, certainly, in the eyes of the -court. Hear me out. If this person should prove to be a fit and a -proper person, of good character, of due position, and so forth, then, -taking all the circumstances into consideration, I might be moved to -leniency. What is the person's name?" - -"He is of the highest lineage." - -"So far, so good." - -"He is a gentleman of the noblest character." - -"Still better." - -"He would be showing honour to any lady in the land if he made her his -wife." - -"Hem! Precisely! I asked you for his name." - -"Thomas Stanham." - -"Thomas Stanham!" Sir Tristram's countenance went as black as a -thundercloud. "Thomas Stanham!" He turned to her with a look of fury -on his face, which took even Miss Cullen by surprise. "That vagabond!" - -"How dare you speak so of my husband, sir?" - -"Your husband? Girl, you are a fool. You, the owner of prospective -millions, have thrown them, even before they are in your actual -possession, into the lap of that pitiful adventurer. You ask me to -show him leniency? I will be lenient to you at least. I will protect -you from him in spite of yourself." - -He spoke with a degree of dramatic intensity which threw a lurid light -upon the cause of his success in life. Miss Cullen was silenced after -all. She stood and watched him as he strode away, with a degree of -dignity in his bearing which seemed to have suddenly made him taller. - -"Tommy must have wiped his eye!" - -That was what she said to herself when she was alone. - -"Well, old man, have you had it out with Triggs?" - -Turning, Miss Cullen found that Mr. Stanham had approached from -behind. He stood in the doorway--as usual, with his hands in his -pockets. - -"Yes, young man, I've had it out with Triggs." - -Miss Cullen had a little flush on her cheeks and an added light in her -eyes, which superfluities, it might be said, unjustifiably heightened -her attractions. - -"Softened his adamantine breast?" - -"Well, hardly. Not what you might call quite. In fact, I should say -that, if he remains in his present frame of mind, he will send you, -for a certainty, to something much worse than penal servitude for -life." - -"Is that so? Very kind of you, I'm sure. I knew you'd make a mess of -it, my love." - -"Wait till the play is over. There's always a muddle in the middle. -The third act has not begun." - - - III. - -"Triggs, this is the deuce of a nice state of things!" - -The latest ornament of the woolsack was seated in the privacy of his -own apartment prior to retiring to rest. But the cares of his position -had followed him there. He was working his way through a mass of -papers when his host appeared at the door. - -"To what state of things does your Grace refer?" - -The Duke looked round as if to make sure that they had the room to -themselves. He seemed to be in a state of considerable agitation; -indeed, the abruptness of his entry had in itself suggested agitation. - -"Of--of course you know that I--I'm a magistrate." - -"Certainly I know it." - -Something in the other's tone seemed to have a soothing influence upon -the Duke, possibly because it roused the spirit of mischief that was -in him. He sat in an arm-chair. Crossing his arms upon his chest, -stretching out his long legs in front of him, he regarded the toes of -his evening shoes. - -"Triggs, I have had an application made to me for a warrant for your -arrest." - -The Chancellor went a peony hue, as we have seen him do before. - -"Your Grace is joking." - -"I wish I were. I found it anything but a joke, and I am afraid that -you are not likely to find it one either." - -Sir Tristram removed his glasses. He held them in his hand. His face -became hard and stern. - -"May I ask your Grace to be more explicit?" - -The Duke turned. Placing one elbow upon the arm of his chair, he -looked at Sir Tristram as he leaned his chin upon his hand. - -"Triggs, Miss Cullen has applied to me to issue a warrant against you -for assault." - -"Surely such an application was irregular?" - -"I am not so sure of that--I am not so sure. Anyhow, I told her that -it was. The only result of which, so far as I can judge, will be that -she will make the application, in more regular form, either to me or -to someone else to-morrow. But that is not the point. Triggs, did you -do it?" - -"Is it necessary that your Grace should ask me?" - -"You didn't kiss her?" - -Sir Tristram took out his handkerchief. He actually gasped for breath. -It is to be feared that at that moment the representative of English -law almost told a lie. However, it was only almost; not quite. He -merely temporised. - -"The whole affair is a pure absurdity." - -"How do you mean? Is the charge unfounded?" - -Sir Tristram drew his handkerchief across his brow. - -"Supposing I did kiss her?" - -"Supposing! Triggs? Good heavens! I remember your leading for a woman -who brought exactly such a charge against a man. I remember how -clearly you pointed out how, under certain circumstances, such an -action might be, and was, an offence against good morals. Didn't -Pickum give the man six months?" - -The lawyer's resemblance to a bulldog became more and more pronounced. -He all but showed his teeth. "I don't know, Duke, if you are enjoying -a little amusement at my expense." - -The Duke sprang to his feet. His bearing evinced an accession of -dignity which, in its melodramatic suddenness, almost approached to -farce. - -"It is not my habit, Sir Tristram, to regard my magisterial duties as -offering much scope for amusement. Situated as I am--as you are--as we -all are--our party!--in the eyes of the nation, it seems to me that -this matter may easily become one of paramount importance. Of such -importance that I have come to you as a friend to-night to ask you, if -there is a chance of Miss Cullen's charge becoming so much as -whispered abroad, to seriously consider if it would not be advisable -for you to place your resignation in the hands of the Prime Minister -before your appointment to the Chancellorship is publicly announced." - -Sir Tristram's jaw dropped open. His resemblance to a bulldog -perceptibly decreased. - -"Duke!" - -"I am not certain, in coming to-night, that I have not allowed my -friendship for you to carry me too far. Still, I have come." - -"Your Grace is more than sufficiently severe. If you will allow me to -exactly explain my position in this matter I shall have no difficulty -in making that evident. I fear that Miss Cullen is a dangerous young -woman." - -The Duke shrugged his shoulders. - -"You, of all men, ought to know that, under certain circumstances, -women are dangerous--and even girls." - -"Precisely. That is so. But I think that after I have made my -explanation you will allow that Miss Cullen is an even unusually -dangerous example of a dangerous sex." He paused--perhaps for -reflection. When he continued it was with a hang-dog air. "Some short -time since I did myself the honour of asking Miss Cullen to become my -wife. I fear that--eh--circumstances induced me to take her answer too -much for granted. So much so, indeed, that--eh--while I was waiting -for her answer I--eh--I--eh--kissed her. I do not wish to lay stress -upon the accident that the kiss was but the merest shadow of a kiss. -But such, in fact, it was." - -"In plain language, Triggs, you kissed her against her will." - -"I had no idea that it was against her will, or I should certainly not -have done it. Her behaviour after--eh--my action filled me with the -most profound amazement. She jumped up. She addressed me in language -which I can only describe as more pointed than elegant. And--eh--she -walked away, leaving me, I do assure your Grace, dumbfounded." - -"Well?" - -The Duke's back was turned to Sir Tristram, possibly because there was -something on his Grace's face which bore an amazing resemblance to a -smile. - -"Well, I heard nothing more of the matter. Indeed, I have heard -and seen nothing of the lady till I met her here to-day. This -evening she has alluded to the matter in a manner and in terms which -filled me with even more profound amazement than her behaviour on -the--eh--original occasion." - -"But, man, didn't you apologise?" - -"I apologised in terms of almost abject humility. But that did not -content her. I will be frank with your Grace. She made me a -proposition which----" - -The Duke waved his hands. He cut Sir Tristram short. - -"I have heard too much already. Triggs, I have allowed my friendship -for you to play havoc with my discretion; let me hear no more. My -advice to you is compromise, compromise, at almost any cost. You don't -want to have your career ruined by a girl, and for the mere shadow of -a kiss. To consider nothing else, think of the laughter there would -be. As you say, the young woman can be dangerous, and, if nothing -happens to change her purpose, you may take my word for it that she -means to be." - -Before Sir Tristram could reply the Duke was gone. The newly-appointed -representative of the majesty of English law was left alone with his -papers and his reflections. These latter did not seem to be pleasant -ones. Words escaped his lips which we should not care to print--we -fear they referred to that undutiful ward of his lordship's court. -Inwardly, and, for the matter of that, outwardly, he cursed her with -bell, book, and candle; certainly never was heard a more terrible -curse. And so thoroughly did he enter into the spirit of the thing -that he was still engaged in cursing her when the door opened, and in -front of him was Miss Cullen with the handle in her hand. - -She looked charming, and by that we mean even more charming than -usual. She had changed her dress for a _peignoir_, or a dressing-gown, -or something of the kind. Beyond question Sir Tristram had no notion -what the thing was called. It suited her to perfection--few men had a -better eye for that sort of thing in a woman than he had. There is no -fathoming feminine duplicity, but no one ever _looked_ more surprised -than did that young woman then. She had thrown the door wide open and -rushed into the room, and half closed it again behind her before she -appeared to recognise in whose presence and where she really was. - -"I--I thought--isn't this Mary Waller's room? Oh--h!" - -As struck with panic she turned as if to flee. But Sir Tristram, who -was gifted, before all else, with presence of mind, interposed. He -rose from his chair. - -"Miss Cullen, may I beg you for one moment?" - -"Sir! Sir Tristram Triggs!" Miss Cullen's air of dignity was perfect, -and so bewitching. "I had something which I wished to say to Lady Mary -Waller. There has been some misunderstanding as to which was her room. -I must ask you to accept an apology." - -"Unlike you, Miss Cullen, I always accept an apology." - -"Indeed! Then my experience in that respect has, I presume, been the -exception which proves the rule." - -"May I ask when you apologised to me--and for what?" - -"This evening,"--the lady looked down; her voice dropped; thrusting -the toe of her little shoe from under the hem of her skirt, she tapped -it against the floor--"for becoming a wife." - -The grim man behind the table regarded her intently. Although he knew -that the minx was worsting him with his own weapons, she appealed to, -at any rate, one side of him so strongly that he was unable to prevent -the corners of his mouth from wrinkling themselves into a smile. - -"May I ask, Mrs. Stanham----" - -"Sir Tristram!" She threw out her arms towards him with a pretty -little gesture. "You have set my heart all beating! You have brought -the tears right to my eyes! You are the first person who has called me -by my married name." - -He moved his hand with a little air of deprecation--as if the thing -were nothing. - -"May I ask, Mrs. Stanham, if Mr. Thomas Stanham is related to the Duke -of Datchet?" - -"Related?--Of course he is!--He's his favourite cousin." - -"His _favourite_ cousin?" We doubt if she was justified in her use of -the adjective, but the simple truth is, she _was_ a dangerous young -woman. "I see. The plot unfolds. May I ask, further, if this little -comedy was rehearsed in advance?" - -"And in my turn may I ask, Sir Tristram, what it is you mean?" - -They looked at each other, eye to eye. They understood each other -pretty well by the time Sir Tristram's glance dropped down again to -the papers on his table. His tone became, as it were, judicial. - -"Well, Mrs. Stanham, I have been considering the matter of which you -spoke to me this evening, and, having regard to the whole bearing of -the case, to the social position of Mr. Thomas Stanham, and so forth, -speaking, of course, _ex parte_ and without prejudice, I may say that, -as at present advised, if proper settlements are made, the marriage -might be one which would not meet with the active disapprobation of -the court." - -Sir Tristram raised his eyes. The lady shook her head--very decidedly. - -"That won't do." - -"Won't do? What do you mean?" - -"What I say. I'm not going to have Tommy bothered about settlements. -I'm settlement enough for Tommy. What you have to do is to sit down -and to simply write this: 'My dear Mrs. Stanham,--Speaking as Lord -Chancellor, it gives me much pleasure in assuring you, as a ward of -the court, that your marriage with Mr. Thomas Stanham meets with my -entire and unreserved approval.--Yours faithfully, Tristram Triggs!'" -Sir Tristram glowered--he might! But she was undismayed. "You will -have to do it, sooner or later--you're a very clever man, and you know -you will!--so why not do it at once?" - -He did it at once. Actually! Possibly because the whole affair -appealed keenly to his sense of humour--one never knows! She read the -paper, folded it, and then she said--with such a pout! and with such -malice in her eyes!-- - -"Now you may kiss me again, if you like." - -"I am obliged to you, but the costs in the suit have already been too -heavy." - -"Then I'll kiss you!" - -And she did--with some want of precision, just over the right eye. -Then she fled to the door. When she was half-way through it she -turned, and waved towards him the hand which held the paper. - -"You are my guardian, you know." - - - - - A Honeymoon Trip - - MRS. GODWIN WRITES TO HER MOTHER - - -"You know, dear mamma, I was against a compartment being reserved. One -might as well advertise the fact that one is starting on one's -honeymoon. But I was not prepared to find the train so full as it was. -Our carriage was crowded, and not with nice people. They played cards -the whole way down, and, when one is just beginning one's married -life, it was not agreeable to have to listen to some of the language -which was used. Conrad was quite fidgety. You know he is most -particular. But it was no use speaking. One of the men asked him if he -would take a hand. When he observed that he objected to cards being -played in a railway carriage, the person replied that he looked as -though he did. And then the others smiled. This quite upset him. And, -as we were nearing Harwich, he began to feel in his pockets in a way -which, I must say, was annoying. I had refrained from speaking to him -as much as possible, being unwilling to let the others have a chance -of guessing at the situation we were in; but when he stood up and -began to turn his pockets inside out, and altogether to upset the -other passengers, I did ask him what it was that he was looking for. - -"'I can't find the tickets.' - -"You know how easily he becomes embarrassed, and how the blood flies -to his head. You remember that Geraldine said she thought he must be -apoplectic. - -"'You put them in your pocket-book.' - -"'But that is gone too.' - -"'You will find it when you get on board.' - -"All the people were staring at him, he was making such a fuss. - -"'I should like to find it before I get on board.' - -"'Perhaps,' suggested an old gentleman, who was sitting in the -opposite corner, 'it's in your overcoat.' Conrad took his coat from -the rack and looked to see. It was not there. 'Feel in your pockets -again,' suggested the old gentleman. - -"Conrad felt. He did not find the pocketbook, but he found something -else instead. He produced it with an exclamation. It was the first -time I ever heard him swear. - -"'Good heavens! It's the key of the safe!' - -"His manner was so ludicrous, everybody laughed. - -"'My dear Conrad, do sit down!' - -"He sat down and stared at me like a man in a dream. - -"'But you don't understand. It's the key of the safe. I forgot that I -was going to be married, and I brought it away.' - -"I do not think that I was ever so much annoyed in my life. After all -the pains I had taken to conceal the fact that we were honeymooning, -and then for him to blurt it out like that! The other passengers -simply roared. - -"'This is a nice way of beginning one's honeymoon. I shall have to -return to town at once.' - -"Of course they laughed again. I was really too annoyed to speak. I -sat and tried to look as though I liked it. When he had finished -laughing the man who sat next to him stooped and picked up something -from the floor of the carriage. - -"'Anybody lost a pocket-book?' he asked. - -"Of course it was Conrad's. - -"'I--I expect I dropped it,' he explained. Then he turned to me. 'I am -afraid we shall have to return to town at once.' - -"'Don't be silly. We shall do nothing of the kind. I suppose there is -a telegraph office at Harwich.' - -"Before he had time to answer the train began to slow. I took the -management of affairs into my own hands. - -"'If you will go and send your telegram I will go on board. But pray -don't be long.' - -"But he was long. It appears, from what I have since learnt, that the -London train was behind its time, and it was a question of missing the -tide in the Scheldt. Anyhow, there was a great deal of hurry and -scurry, and, as I was wondering what had become of Conrad, someone -shouted, 'All on board!' In my agitation I lost my presence of mind. -And at that moment I saw Conrad running along the quay in the -direction of the boat for Rotterdam. I suppose that, owing to his -shortsightedness, and his haste, and the darkness, he mistook one boat -for the other. I was tongue-tied in my bewilderment. Before I -recovered myself we were moving down the river, and the quay was out -of sight. You may imagine my sensations, without tickets, almost -without money, a bride without a bridegroom! I asked for the captain. -I was told that he was navigating the ship, but I could see him later -on. I saw him later on. He came when we had reached the open sea. As -he advanced I thought I knew his figure. I felt as though my legs were -giving way beneath me--it was Mr. Pearson! The recognition was mutual. - -"'Jennie!' he cried. 'Miss Nash!' He looked as though he were -dumbfounded. 'This is an unexpected pleasure!' - -"'I--I wish to see the captain.' - -"'I am the captain. You wish to see me? Come this way!' - -"He led the way into his cabin. I followed, speechless. Events were -crowding on me, for which I was wholly unprepared. - -"'Mrs. Nash is with you?' - -"'No, not--my mother. I--I am with my husband.' - -"'Your husband!' He gave a start of surprise. 'Oh, indeed, your -husband.' - -"You know what a big man he is, and his huge beard? I declare that, as -he stood and glared at me, I felt positively frightened. - -"'That is to say, he was with me, but he has been left behind.' - -"'Left behind? Might I ask you to explain?' - -"'He went to send a telegram and he mistook the boat, and I'm afraid -he's gone to Rotterdam.' - -"'To Rotterdam? And you are bound for Antwerp? Ha, ha, ha!' - -"He actually laughed, which was a brutal thing to do. - -"'And the worst of it is that he has my ticket.' - -"'That would be the worst part of it--to you.' - -"I knew very well what he meant, though I took care not to let him -suspect that I knew it. I did not know what else to do, so I took out -my handkerchief and began to cry. - -"'Madame la Baronne will excuse me, but I have still some little -matters to which I must attend. Doubtless Madame la Baronne will have -ceased to weep by the time that I return.' - -"He left the cabin. I distinctly heard him bolt the door on the other -side. My first impulse was to fasten it upon my side too. But I -refrained. He had entirely upset me--what little there was of me left -to upset--by addressing me as Madame la Baronne! He evidently took it -for granted that I had married the Belgian. I do not suppose that -Geraldine will pay the slightest heed to anything I say, but I would -earnestly advise her to be exceedingly careful in avoiding -complications with men. I know that, as I sat there waiting for Mr. -Pearson's return, I wished with all my heart that I had never met any -man until I met Conrad--some of them never will understand. - -"When he came back I had calmed myself to the best of my ability. -There was a tolerable glass in the cabin. I took advantage of it to -put myself a little to rights. He entered while I was engaged in doing -so. He came in so quietly that the first intimation I had of his -presence was seeing his face beside mine in the glass. It gave me -quite a shock. - -"'Mr. Pearson!' - -"I turned. He bowed. - -"'Always the same!' he said. - -"'I was just looking to see if there was any of me left.' - -"'Let me beg of you to take a seat.' - -"I sat down. He went to a desk which was at one side of the cabin and -sat down too, his back to me. His manners did not strike me as -particularly polite. Unlocking the desk, he took something out of it. -I tried to make a little conversation. - -"'I had no idea, Mr. Pearson, that you had become a captain.' - -"He bowed, but said nothing. I tried again: - -"'If it is not giving you too much trouble, Mr. Pearson--I am tired, -you know--might I ask you to show me to a berth?" - -"This time he condescended to face me. - -"'Our encounter is of so unexpected a nature that I am sure you will -excuse me if for a few minutes I detain you. I can scarcely hope to -have so excellent an opportunity again.' - -"'I can only say that I am tired.' - -"'There are a few matters here in which you cannot fail to take an -interest.' - -"He turned to the things which he had placed upon his desk. - -"'Here is a revolver.' - -"He took one in his hand and held it out to me. You know, dear mamma, -I am not nervous as a rule, but when he did that a creepy, crawly -feeling went all over me. - -"'I purchased it to shoot the Baron. It is perhaps as well that he is -left behind. I might have used it yet.' - -"There was something in his eyes I did not like. In an ordinary case I -should have said his language was absurd. But my position was -peculiar. - -"'You are under a misapprehension, Mr. Pearson. The Baron d'Ardigny is -not my husband.' - -"'Not your husband!' - -"He sprang up with a shout. The revolver clattered to the floor. If it -was loaded it was a miracle that it did not go off. 'Not D'Ardigny! Is -it possible that you duped him too?' - -"'I am at your mercy, Mr. Pearson, and you are, of course, free to use -towards me any language which, as a gentleman, may be consistent with -your code of honour.' - -"'My code of honour! Such words from you! You ruined me--is that not -so? You tempted me to desert my ship. When I did so all that you had -to say was that the whole affair had been a little joke of yours. They -court-martialled me. I was broken. Surely you cannot expect my honour -to be more than yours?' - -"You know, dear mamma, when I had that scrape with Charlie Pearson I -never meant any harm--you know I never did. When he was goose enough -to suppose I was in earnest, and actually left his ship to come to me, -you remember how annoyed I was? But really, when, on board his own -boat, he talked to me in that style I was without a word. - -"'May I--it seems absurd when I remember that I used, with your -consent, to hold you to my bosom and press your lips to mine!--but may -I ask your name?' - -"'I am Mrs. Godwin.' - -"'So, since the Baron's little affair and mine there has been another. -What a quantity of bad language I have wasted on D'Ardigny! Do you -know, Mrs. Godwin, when I look at you and think of all that is past, I -wonder how I could ever have been such a fool?' - -"I tried to smile. - -"'You must own that you were a little foolish.' - -"'Oh, I was! Undoubtedly I was! Ever to have believed in you!' - -"'May I ask if you intend to continue to insult me till we get to -Antwerp?' - -"'I scarcely know what I intend as yet. I belong to the prehistoric -race of man. When I see a woman who deserves to be drowned, I want to -drown her.' - -"'Holding the position which you do on board, to drown me would be the -easiest thing in the world.' - -"He merely shrugged his shoulders--and laughed. - -"'Do you know what this is?' He took up a piece of paper from his -desk. 'This is a lock of your hair. Has Godwin, I wonder, got a lock -as well? Possibly, like the pieces of the true cross, it is to be -found all over the world. This is a flower which you wore in your -bosom at the Yacht Club ball. Before you gave it me you kissed it, so -I kissed it too--ah, many a time! You have no conception of what a -prize I thought it was. Now I am quite aware that there was not a man -in the room who might not have had a similar one for the asking. Do -you see this? This was once your shoe. You would scarcely believe that -I bribed your maid to give it to me. I flattered myself that on our -wedding night I would surprise you with a request to put it on the -foot I loved. I suppose I may not presume to put it on to-night?' - -"'I imagine, Mr. Pearson, that you are forgetting that I am married.' - -"'That doesn't make any difference, does it? I should not have thought -it would--to you.' - -"You know, dear mamma, that I have the sweetest temper in the world. I -never felt inclined to box anybody's ears before, except Geraldine's, -and she is sometimes too provoking! but I did feel inclined to box his -then. However, I told myself that if he forgot he was a gentleman I -would not forget I was a lady. - -"'Possibly, Mr. Pearson, it will cause you to keep your remarks -somewhat within bounds when I tell you that this is my wedding night.' - -"'Your--wedding night!' - -"'Yes, my wedding night. I was married to-day.' - -"As I thought of it, and of how different was the reality to the -anticipation, the tears gushed to my eyes. Some men would have been -touched by such a spectacle, but he was not. He began to pace about -the cabin, running his fingers through his beard. All at once he began -to laugh so violently that I thought he would never stop. - -"'This is the best joke I ever heard,' he gasped in the middle of his -mirth. 'Do you mean to say that you are starting on your honeymoon?' - -"'Yes, I do.' - -"'Poor devil of a Godwin! Then there is every prospect of your -spending it with me. Never in my wildest dreams did I look forward to -such happiness as this. Is there nothing I can offer you in the shape -of consolation?' - -"'The only consolation you can offer me is to show me to my berth. I -am miserable; you know I am! I should have thought that no man, to -whatever depths he may have sunk, would have taken advantage of a -woman in my situation.' - -"By this time my tears were flowing quite profusely. But they made no -impression upon him. He recommenced pacing round and round the cabin. -He was large, and it was small. His tramp, tramp, tramping, and the -general callousness of his demeanour, agitated me to such an extent -that I almost feared that I should become hysterical. Just as I began -to think that I could not hold out any longer he went to the door and -shouted 'Spooner!' - -"I supposed he was shouting for the steward. I congratulated myself -that after all he had been touched, and that I was to be shown to a -berth at last. I was beginning to dry my tears when a hairy object -appeared in the doorway. He was so broad in proportion to his height -that I at first thought he was deformed. - -"'Come in, Spooner.' The man came in. A more unlikely-looking Spooner -I never saw. Really, he reminded me of nothing so much as Quasimodo. -His face was all covered with hair; even his great hands were hairy. -He had a pair of big black eyes, which, added to his other -attractions, made him look the perfect picture of ferocity. 'This is -my first officer.' Even in my grief I smiled. What could be expected -of a crew which had such officers? 'You recollect, Spooner, my telling -you about that old sweetheart of mine who broke me?' - -"'I do.' - -"You know how basses seem to produce their voices from their boots. -Mr. Spooner's voice seemed to come from much lower than his boots. - -"'You remember my telling you what a jade she was?' - -"'I do.' - -"'Well, here she is.' - -"Mr. Spooner stared at me, as well he might do. For my part I was -dumb. Charlie Pearson always had a graceful way of introducing a lady. - -"'You remember my telling you about that Baron she jilted me for?' - -"'I do.' - -"'And how I used to carry a revolver about with me in my breeches -pocket so that it might be handy to get a shot at him?' Mr. Spooner -nodded his head. 'I used to say that if she married I'd make her a -widow within a week. Well, she is married. But it's not to the Baron. -It seems that she sent him to the deuce after me. She's married a -man named Godwin. I suppose she thinks she can use her husbands like -her sweethearts, so she has given him the slip and left him ashore. -Think she's got tired of him, eh? Well, she must be pretty smart at -tiring--she only married him to-day. She's starting on her honeymoon. -This is her wedding night, and she's left the man ashore.' - -"Mr. Spooner listened to this without even so much as blinking an eye. -He stood staring at me like a great stolid bear. - -"'Spooner, I've laid awake of nights wondering when she and I would -meet again. I've gone half mad racking my brains, thinking what -vengeance I would take. I've asked myself over and over again what I'd -do to her if ever I got her in my power. Now I've got her. And I ask -you what you would do if you were I?' - -"'I'd forgive her.' - -"'Forgive her!' - -"Mr. Pearson drew a long breath. He looked at Mr. Spooner and then he -looked at me. - -"'That's a wrinkle. Hang me, I will forgive her! I'll treat her with -contempt and let her go. What shall I do with these gimcracks? I've -kept them as though they were the richest treasures from Ali Baba's -cave. Here's a lock of her hair, here's a rose from her bosom, here's -a shoe from her foot, here's a bundle of her letters. You know what's -in them, because I've read them to you many a time.' - -"These were pleasant things for me to hear. - -"'Spooner, what shall I do with these?' - -"'Burn 'em.' - -"'So I will. Here's the lot. Give 'em to the cook, and tell him to use -them in the morning to light his galley fire.' - -"He thrust the various articles into Mr. Spooner's hands. You may -imagine my sensations. - -"Then he turned to me. - -"'Now, madam, if you wish it, I will show you to your cabin.' - -"I was quite unable to speak. I had never supposed it was possible -that I could have been so cowed by two mere men. The truth is, that I -was in such a passion that I really was beside myself. I would have -given anything to have been a man to have been able to knock him down. -He showed me to the cabin, and without a word he left me at the door. -When I was inside I clenched my fists and stamped my foot and -screamed. - -"'My dear child, aren't you well?' - -"I looked up. There was an old woman, sitting up in her berth, and -looking at me through her spectacles. - -"'Stewardess,' she cried. Then to me, 'I wish you'd go and find my -husband. My name is Maunders-Griffin. Oh, I am so ill! And tell him -that those anti-sea-sick lozenges have not had the least effect. I've -eaten them all, and I want some more. Oh!' - -"The reaction was so sudden, so extreme, that I was seized with a fit -of laughter. It was impossible for me to control myself. I daresay the -old woman thought that I was mad. It so exhausted me that I had to -drop into a chair to save myself from falling. - -"The stewardess advanced. - -"'Would madam like a berth?' - -"'A berth! No. I--I will go on deck.' - -"The atmosphere of the cabin was unbearable; you know what a cabin is -at night when it is full of women who are ill. I felt that if I stayed -there long I should be ill myself. Besides, under the best conditions, -I felt that in the excited state of my brain it would be impossible -for me to sleep, so I went on deck. - -"It was a glorious night. There was a full moon and cloudless sky. But -a stiff breeze was blowing, and one soon became conscious that it bore -with it a strong solution of salt spray. - -"I paced up and down, trying to calm myself sufficiently to enable me -to realise my situation. I suppose that never was a woman more -unfortunate. What a wedding night!--that night which is supposed to be -the most sacred of a woman's life. To whom was I to turn for advice, -with such a captain and such a chief officer? Dear mamma, I am not -ashamed to confess that I cried, really and truly cried. I sat down by -the side of the ship and quite gave in. - -"While I was still crying someone came behind and touched me on the -shoulder. - -"'If you are not well, don't you think you had better go downstairs?' - -"I looked round. An old gentleman was standing behind me. He actually -thought that I was sick. I was indignant. - -"'Thank you. I am quite well.' - -"'I--I beg your pardon. I--I thought you were affected by the motion -of the sea.' - -"'I am obliged to you. I am never ill on board ship. Never.' - -"I think my manner rather startled him. He took off his hat and moved -away. You know how I object to people who think they have a right to -interfere because they happen to be old--and, generally, silly. It is -such stuff. The consciousness that I had crushed him made me feel -distinctly better. I sat up and looked at the sea. But as I watched -the gleaming waters the old thoughts came back, and, before I knew it, -again my eyes filled with tears. It was foolish, but I could not help -it. I do not often cry, but I did cry then. - -"I daresay I had been making rather a goose of myself--I had been -crying a good long time, when again someone touched me on the -shoulder. It was once more that absurd old man. - -"'If you will take my advice, my dear, you will go downstairs. I am an -old man, and take the liberty of addressing you.' - -"Fancy calling me 'my dear,' as though I were a child! I stood up and -faced him. - -"'My good sir, _will_ you leave me alone?' - -"He looked at me as though he were trying to find an excuse to begin a -conversation. I daresay he would have liked me to make a confidant of -him. - -"'I am afraid you are in trouble. I don't like to see a young lady -crying alone on deck all night, especially such a young lady as you.' - -"I looked at him--you know how I can look if I like--and I walked -away. I walked up and down the deck, and each time I passed him I -looked him full in the face--such a look! He crossed to the other -side. The scent of battle was in my nostrils. I crossed too. Then he -went downstairs instead of me. - -"Dear mamma, I stayed on deck all night. I saw the night gradually -brighten. I saw the sun rise. I saw the birth of day. And, dear mamma, -you have no idea how cold it was. You remember how cold it was when we -saw the sun rise on the Righi? I declare I felt it quite as cold that -morning on the boat. It was bitter. I was chilled to the bone. I went -downstairs and routed out the steward, and made him get me a cup of -coffee. I never enjoyed anything so much. And the state I was in when -I looked at the glass! I went to the ladies' cabin and put myself to -rights. And there I stayed. It was not nice. But I felt that it would -be still less nice to have to return to the deck and meet a crowd of -men and encounter Mr. Pearson. I had quite made up my mind what I -would do. I resolved that when I reached Antwerp I would first of all -wire to you, then go straight to Brussels, and return by the shorter -route to England. I would do it if I only had enough money to take me -the whole of the way third class. If Conrad wanted me he would find me -where he found me first of all--at home. _My_ home, not his. - -"I was aware, from the motion of the ship, that we had entered the -Scheldt. For some time we proceeded up the river. Then, all at once, -we stopped. I supposed the stoppage to be for the purpose of taking up -a pilot. After a delay the boat went on again. I was thinking about -all sorts of things, and was telling myself that, perhaps, after all, -I had not been so good a girl as I might have been, and that sometimes -I had been to blame in those little flirtations which had chequered my -career--and I wonder who would not have been sentimental in such a -plight as mine--when someone came to the cabin door and said: - -"'Is there anyone here of the name of Godwin?' - -"I sprang up, my heart in my mouth. - -"'I am Mrs. Godwin!' - -"'Would you mind coming up on deck?' - -"Without a moment's hesitation I followed the man upstairs. I imagined -that, in some mysterious way, a message had reached me from Conrad, or -that perhaps he had come himself--though, unless he possessed the -seven-leagued boots, how he was to spring from the Rotterdam boat to -the Scheldt I never paused to reflect. - -"I was in quite a tremor when I got on deck. I noticed that all the -passengers were gathered together in a crowd, and that in their midst -were three or four foreigners in some kind of uniform. - -"One, in particular, was resplendent. On him my eyes fell. And as they -did so--dear mamma, I did not disgrace you by positively fainting, but -a cold chill went down my back and penetrated to the marrow of my -bones. It was the Baron! Hector d'Ardigny! At his side stood Mr. -Pearson. Even at that trying moment I was struck by the ludicrous -contrast the one presented to the other--the Baron four feet six, Mr. -Pearson six feet four. Geraldine will remember how it used to tickle -me in days gone by. It tickled me then. - -"As I was becoming conscious that I was the centre of attraction Mr. -Pearson motioned towards me with his hand. - -"'This is Mrs. Godwin.' - -"I do not think that the Baron had hitherto noticed me. He noticed me -then! It strikes me that up to that moment he had been engaged in -glancing at Mr. Pearson. To say that at sight of me the colour of his -countenance was that of a boiled beetroot is to use a trite and coarse -comparison. But I do not know to what else I could compare it, unless -it be to a lobster newly boiled. - -"'Jennie!' he gasped. 'Miss Nash!' - -"'This,' repeated Mr. Pearson, 'is Mrs. Godwin.' - -"The Baron glared at Mr. Pearson. Then he glared at me. Then he -_sprang_ at Mr. Pearson. - -"'Villain!' he cried. 'This is a trick you play on me!' - -"Before the eyes of all the passengers he slapped the captain's face. -Of course, it would have been quite easy for Mr. Pearson to have -picked him up and dropped him into the water. I fancy public -expectation took it for granted that the Baron would be summarily -disposed of in some such fashion. If so, public expectation was wrong. -Mr. Pearson did nothing of the kind. He stood quite still. He looked -at the Baron. He took out his handkerchief and wiped his cheek. Then -he looked at his handkerchief. Then he turned to me. - -"'Be so good as to come this way.' - -"Docile as a child I went that way. Mr. Pearson came after me, -leading, unless I am mistaken, the Baron by his epaulette. We all -three entered the captain's cabin--that apartment in which I had -already spent such an agreeable twenty minutes. Mr. Pearson addressed -the Baron in language which was eminently adapted to tickle the ears -of a lady. - -"'I've half a mind, you little brute, to choke the life right out of -you. But I'll give you another chance for your skin. The fun's too -good to lose. You said you wanted someone of the name of Godwin, and -here is someone.' - -"The Baron took off his _képi_. He wiped his brow. The dear little man -was damp with perspiration. - -"'It is someone of the name of Conrad Godwin that I want.' - -"'I am Mrs. Conrad Godwin,' I observed. - -"I supposed that, in some mysterious way, he had become possessed of a -message either for Conrad or for me. I was not prepared for his -behaviour. He dropped into a seat with an exclamation which sounded -very like an execration. - -"'You see, my dear Baron,' said Mr. Pearson, 'our dear Jennie has -married--and she hasn't married you. She hasn't showed herself -possessed of many virtues, but she has had sense enough for that. I -took it for granted that you were something in the hairdressing line, -from the moment I first set eyes on you.' - -"The Baron paid no attention to Mr. Pearson--it was as well he didn't. - -"He sat, huddled up on a chair, looking at me with gaping eyes. - -"'But it is impossible that you are Mrs. Conrad Godwin!' - -"'I fail to see the impossibility, for, in fact, I am. If you have a -message for me, may I ask you to deliver it?' - -"'Message! I have no message! I have instructions to arrest you.' - -"I was startled then. - -"'To arrest me!' - -"'A telegram has come to detain anyone arriving by this boat of the -name of Conrad Godwin. I am the chief of the police'--the Baron -d'Ardigny, with his large property in the Ardennes, had sunk to a -policeman--'and I am afraid that, with your husband, Mr. Conrad -Godwin, you must be my prisoner.' - -"'My husband, as I cannot help suspecting that you are possibly aware, -does not happen to be on board.' - -"'Your husband is not on board? You are travelling alone?' - -"'Owing'--dear mamma, I did almost break down then,--'owing to an -unfortunate accident, my husband lost the boat. But, Baron, you must -be under some delusion. Surely you are not having a jest at my -expense?' - -"'It is no jest! It is the truth! I am an officer.' He slapped his -chest: you know the way he had when he said anything particularly -absurd. 'My duty is my duty! Before that all other things must fade. -If, as you say, you are Mrs. Conrad Godwin; if your husband is on -board, or no matter where he is, I must proceed to your arrest.' - -"'Mr. Pearson, you will not suffer this?' - -"'Mrs. Godwin, I am helpless. We are in Belgium, and in Belgium we -must do as the Belgians do.' - -"'But the thing is monstrous! You will surely insist on this person's -exhibiting the authority on which he pretends to act?' - -"Mr. Pearson shrugged his shoulders. He turned to the Baron with a -smile--and once he said he loved me! Man's falseness is incredible. - -"'Baron, have you got the warrant in your pocket?' - -"'No warrant is required. I will show madame my instructions when we -reach the _bureau_. We are in Belgium, not in England. I would advise -madame, as a friend, not to give me any trouble.' - -"He arrested me! Yes, dear mamma, I spent my wedding night crying, -alone, on the deck of a steamer, and at the break of day I was taken -into custody. Arrested by one old lover in the presence of another. It -was in this way I commenced my married life. - -"I sat in the cabin on one chair, and the Baron sat on another chair -in front of me, on guard! I will do him the justice to allow that he -seemed quite as much at a loss as I was. - -"When we reached the quay I got into an open fly; the Baron sat on the -seat beside me, two policemen sat on the seat in front of me, and two -more policemen kept the driver in countenance upon the box. In this -way we drove through the streets of Antwerp. We arrived at the -_bureau_. I was shown into what seemed to be a kind of office; the -Baron followed me, closed the door behind him; we were alone. Directly -we were alone he threw his _képi_ on the floor. I thought the man was -mad. - -"'Jennie!' he cried. 'Mees Nash! What is the meaning of all this? -Unfold this mystery.' - -"'It is you who must do that. It is I who require an explanation from -you.' - -"'You have not married Monsieur Pearson?' - -"'Baron d'Ardigny!' - -"'How came you then to be with him on his ship?' - -"'You might as well ask how I came to be the passenger of a train of -which a man named Brown was guard.' - -"'Oh, if you only knew what I have suffered. Your image is where it -always was.' He slapped his hand against his right side, where, -probably, he supposed his heart to be. 'You have treated me--ah, how -you have treated me! But no matter. The past is past. It is for the -future that we live. Tell me, what is it you have done?" - -"'It occurs to me that I have done one thing, lost my senses.' - -"'I am your friend; do not be afraid. No matter for the past. I say it -is for the future that we live. Is it murder?' - -"'Murder!' - -"'We will say then it is not murder. Thank goodness, it is not that! -But there are other things besides. Is it forgery?' - -"'Forgery!' - -"'Is it something you have stolen? Perhaps a little money, or some -jewellery, or something of value from your friends.' - -"'Baron d'Ardigny, during your acquaintance with me did I strike you -as being of the material of which thieves are made?' - -"'Ah, who shall say! No man can tell! There was one woman I loved -before I was in love with you. She did not use me so bad as you; she -was an angel! She was what you call shoplifter. One day I went to see -her; she was not there. I did not see her for a long time. I thought -that she was dead. One day I was in a prison; she was among the -prisoners. When she saw me she laughed; she put out her tongue and -winked her eye. The anguish is still here.' - -"'Putting aside the question of what I have done, or left undone, -perhaps you will tell me of what it is I am accused?' - -"'How should I know?' - -"'If you don't know, I don't know who should.' - -"'It is they who are coming who shall know.' - -"'And pray who is coming?' A thought occurred to me. 'Is it Conrad?' - -"'Conrad! Who is Conrad? Ah! I forgot there was a Conrad.' His manner -changed. Crossing his arms upon his chest he glared at me, as the bad -characters sometimes glare at the Adelphi. 'Miserable! You wish to -play again with me the fool!' - -"Dear mamma, if you can imagine the Baron d'Ardigny as being madder -than he used to be--do! - -"'Baron d'Ardigny, there are one or two questions which I should like -you to answer. First of all, am I to regard myself as a prisoner?' - -"'Did you not use to tell me that you would be for ever mine?' - -"'Never, Baron, never!--You have not favoured me with an answer to my -question.' - -"'Was there not a moment when I was your star of love?' - -"'Not a moment, Baron.--You have not answered me. Am I, or am I not, -to regard myself as a prisoner?' - -"'You are a prisoner! It is as a prisoner you are here! It is as a -prisoner you must treat me!' - -"'I should be delighted to treat you as a prisoner. Unfortunately it -appears that it is as a prisoner you are treating me.' - -"'Your crimes, I do not doubt, they are as black as ink! A woman who -can be as false as you--to such a woman nothing is impossible.' - -"'Baron d'Ardigny, I do not know how this sort of thing is done in -Belgium, but in England when they lock a person up they tell him what -they lock him up for. With you, has a policeman the power of taking a -person to the stationhouse for the sole purpose and pleasure of -calling them names?' - -"'Mees Nash----' - -"'I have already informed you that I am Mrs. Godwin.' - -"'So you are Mrs. Godwin! You insist! Well! At last we have arrived! -Meez-sers Godwin, I tell you this. Mark carefully; I meet your husband -once--for a moment. A second time--for ever--upon the field of -honour.' - -"I do not know if abroad policemen always speak to their prisoners as -the Baron spoke to me. The inhabitants of those countries must enjoy -themselves if they do. For my part, although my situation was -sufficiently critical, it was all I could do to refrain from laughter. -If you could only have seen how funny he looked! I do not know if he -mistook my silence for admiration, but on a sudden his madness assumed -a dreadful phase. He threw himself into an attitude--ask Geraldine if -she has forgotten his attitudes--and apostrophised me thus: 'When I -look upon that lovely face, upon those eyes of perfect blue, upon that -hair of gold, upon that figure exquisite, I say to myself, "Hector, -Hector d'Ardigny! you who has not been without his fortunate -experience, is it possible that you cannot win the love of a creature -so divine?" I answer to myself, "It is impossible."' - -"I hesitated for a moment what, under the circumstances, I had better -do. I saw plainly that it was no use to talk to the man. I arrived at -a sudden resolution. I decided that I would try--as they say in the -cookery-books--another way. As he stood with his eyes and hands raised -towards the ceiling I went and I took him by the thing inside the -collar of his coat--stock, I think they call it--and I shook him. -I do not think he ever had a better shaking in his life. I kept at it -till the thing inside the collar of his coat came loose in my hand. -Then--you know he is _such_ a little man--I lifted him off his feet -and seated him on the edge of the table. The rest was silence. He -looked at me, and I, for my part, looked at him. - -"'Now,' I said, when I began to feel a little cooler, 'perhaps you -will tell me what I am here for?' - -"'Apparently,' he gasped--the little man was breathless--'to murder -me.' - -"'My good man, you shouldn't provoke me.' - -"In a sort of unconscious soliloquy I heard him murmur: - -"'_Mon Dieu! Ces Anglaises!_' Then with a visible shudder, '_Si elle -etait ma femme!_' - -"'Baron d'Ardigny, if you do not wish me to shake you again you will -tell me what I am here for.' - -"'Inquire of Philippe.' - -"'I will not inquire of Philippe--whoever Philippe may happen to be. I -inquire of you. And I intend you to answer my inquiry. I suppose that -I am here for something." - -"'For a great deal, it seems.' His hand stole towards his neck. -'_Bonne chance! Elle a cassé mon col_.' - -"'Answer me.' - -"Dear mamma, I shook him up a little. - -"'I will answer you! _Par exemple! Quel hercule!_' - -"'Then do so.' - -"'If you will permit me to stand upon my feet I will answer you at -once.' - -"'Answer me where you are.' - -"But, mademoiselle, I am an officer. It is impossible that an officer -can sit upon a table.' - -"'Answer--me--at--once!' Dear mamma, I shook him again. - -"'_Ah, sacré nom! C'est embźtant!_ Will you destroy my clothing? Look -into that drawer.' - -"I pulled out the drawer. The first thing I saw was a telegram. I took -it up. - -"'Is this it?' - -"'That is it! You have said! Now, perhaps, you will permit me to -descend.' - -"'I think, Baron, that you had better stay for a moment where you -are.' - -"I opened the telegram. - -"'Detain Conrad Godwin coming by boat from Harwich.' - -"'I fancy, M. le Baron, someone has been hoaxing you.' - -"'Hoaxing me! What you mean?' - -"'It strikes me that if I make public the usage to which you have -subjected me, you are a ruined man.' - -"'_Une jolie femme! Elle marche!_ And if I make public the treatment -which you have accorded to the chief of the police, how is that for -you--eh?' - -"'Very good. We will leave it so. I will communicate with our -ambassador, our ambassador will communicate with your Government, your -Government will communicate with you.' - -"'Mees Nash, I do not understand.' - -"'Baron d'Ardigny, if you call me "Mees Nash" again I shall box your -ears. I was married yesterday, and, as I have already told you, I am -Mrs. Conrad Godwin.' - -"Dear mamma, I think I _should_ have boxed them. He was _so_ -provoking. But while we were staring at one another--the little man -looked thunderstruck!--the door of the room opened and--Conrad -entered. - -"'Jennie!' he cried. - -"I had intended, when we did meet again, to assume towards him a -dignified deportment, and to treat him with the just resentment which -his conduct merited. But before I knew it I found that I was in his -arms. - -"I believe he kissed me--before the Baron. And I am afraid that we -both of us behaved in rather a foolish way. Which is the more strange -because, you know, dear mamma, I am a stickler for decorum. - -"'Conrad, I thought that you had left your wife for ever?' - -"'Jennie, I reached Rotterdam at 9.0 and I left by the train at 9.15, -_viā_ Zevenbergen, for Antwerp. When I reached Antwerp they told me -you were arrested.' - -"'I have been arrested. This is the chief of police, who arrested me. -Baron d'Ardigny, this is my husband, Mr. Conrad Godwin.' - -"I suspect that the Baron, from his perch upon the table, had been -edified by our proceedings. - -"When I said this he sprang to the ground. - -"'So!--this is Conrad Godwin! Sir, I will pull your nose.' - -"Conrad was puzzled. - -"'I beg your pardon?' - -"'Sir, I tell you are _canaille_, _cochon_--pig! You understand?' - -"Conrad turned to me. - -"'Is he mad?' - -"'Mad!' The Baron went mad at the bare suggestion. 'Mr. Conrad Godwin, -I treat you as a gentleman. As a gentleman I tell you I will cut your -throat.' - -"I think he would have 'gone' for Conrad. But just then the door -opened again, and a strange gentleman came in. - -"'Godwin!' he cried. - -"'Haynes!' - -"'You have the key of the safe.' - -"'I know it. I wired you that I had.' - -"'Wired me! When?' - -"'I wired you last night from Harwich.' - -"'The deuce you have! And I have been chasing you through Ostend and -Brussels! A nice muddle you have made of it. All the locksmiths and -burglars in London have been retained to effect an entrance to the -safe. I thought I would be even with you, so I sent them a wire to -detain you.' - -"'They have not detained me, but they have my wife. They have arrested -her.' - -"'Mrs. Godwin!--I beg ten thousand pardons!' - -"He was most apologetic--really nice, mamma!" ... - - -"P.S.--Dear mamma, the Baron lunched with us at the Hotel St. Antoine. -There were four of us. I did not ask Mr. Pearson. I thought that -perhaps he would not come. _The Baron was charming!_" - - - - - The Burglar's Blunder - - -"That's done the trick! Now for the swag!" - -As Mr. Bennett made this observation to himself he slipped the window -up and stepped into the room. He stood for a moment listening. Within, -all was still; without, not a sound disturbed the silence of the -night. - -"I think it's all serene." - -It is probable that Mr. Bennett smiled. He was engaged in the exercise -of his profession, and it consoled him to perceive that, on this -occasion, the stars seemed to be fighting on his side. He drew down -the window softly and replaced the blind. It was a principle of his -never to leave anything which might give a hint to the outside public -of what was going on within. The room, with the blind down, was -intensely dark. He put his hand into his pocket and drew out a little -shaded lantern. Cautiously removing the shutter about half an inch a -pencil of light gleamed across the room. He was apparently content -with this illumination. By its aid he carefully examined floor, walls, -and ceiling. - -"Early English. I thought so." - -This remark referred to the upholstering of the room, which was in the -Early English style. Stooping down he drew a pair of list slippers -over his indiarubber shoes. With swift, cat-like steps he strode -across the floor and left the room. He was evidently familiar with his -ground. The burglar's profession, to be profitably practised, entails -no inconsiderable labour. It is quite an error to suppose that the -burglar has only to stroll along the street and break into the first -house which catches his eye. Not at all. Such a course is altogether -unprofessional. Persons who do that kind of thing get what they -deserve--"stir," and plenty of it. A really professional man, an -artist--such, for example, as Mr. Bennett--works on entirely different -lines. He had had this little job in his mind's eye for the last three -months. Acacia Villa presented an almost ideal illustration of _the_ -promising crib to crack. Did he rush at it on that account? Quite the -other way. He prepared his ground. He discovered, what all the -world--in that neighbourhood--knew already, that it was occupied by a -single lady and a solitary maid. That fact alone would have induced -some men to make a dash at it before unscrupulous competitors had had -an opportunity to take the bread out of their mouths. But Mr. Bennett -was made of other stuff. - -It was situated in a lonely suburb, and in a lonely portion of the -lonely suburb. It stood in its own grounds. There was not a dog about -the place. There was not a shutter to a window. There was no basement -to the house--you had only to step from the ground to the window-sill, -and from the window-sill into the house. These facts would have been -so many extra inducements to the average burglar to "put up" the place -at once. - -But Mr. Bennett looked at the matter from a different standpoint. He -did not ask if he could crack the crib--he had never yet encountered -one which had mastered him--but whether the crib was really worth the -cracking. The very defencelessness of the place was against it--in his -eyes, at any rate--at first. People who have anything very well worth -stealing do not, as a rule, leave it at the mercy of the first -individual who passes by--though there are exceptions to the rule. Mr. -Bennett discovered that there was one, and the discovery revealed the -_artist_ in the man. - -The occupant of Acacia Villa was a Miss Cecilia Jones. Mr. Bennett had -never seen Miss Cecilia Jones. Nobody--or hardly anybody--ever had. -There appeared to be a mystery about Miss Cecilia Jones. But Mr. -Bennett had seen the maid, and not only seen her, but promised to -marry her as well. This was a promise which he never made to any woman -unless actually compelled: the present had been a case of actual -compulsion. - -The maid's name was Hannah--Miss Hannah Welsh. She was not young, and -she was not good-looking. Mr. Bennett was partial to both youth and -beauty. It went against the grain to court Miss Welsh. But he found -that courtship was an absolutely indispensable preliminary. After he -had encircled her waist a few times with his arm, and tasted the -nectar of her lips--also a few times--Miss Welsh began gradually to -unbend. But the process was very gradual. She was the most reticent of -maids. He had not only to present her with several presents--the -proceeds of the exercise of his profession--he had not only to promise -to marry her, he had not only to name the day, but he had even to -buy--or steal: the words were synonymous with him--the wedding-ring, -before all the tale was told. When he had actually tried the ring on -Miss Welsh's finger--to see if it would fit--then, and only then, he -heard all there was to hear. - -Miss Jones was queer--not mad exactly, but peculiar. She had -quarrelled with all her relatives. She was rich. She was full of -crotchets. She distrusted all the world, particularly bankers. To such -a length had she carried her want of confidence that she had realised -all her fortune, turned it into specie, and kept it in the house. It -was at this point that Miss Welsh's conversation became interesting to -Mr. Bennett. - -"Keeps it in the house, does she? In notes, I suppose?" - -"Then you suppose wrong. She won't have nothing to do with -notes--trust her. It's all in gold and diamonds." - -"Diamonds! How do you know they're diamonds?" - -Miss Welsh glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes. The -conversation was carried on in the back garden at Acacia Villa, which -was extensive and secluded. The time was evening, that season which is -popularly supposed to be conducive to sentimental intercourse. - -"Perhaps I know as much about diamonds as here and there a few." - -Her tone was peculiar, almost suggestive. For an instant Mr. Bennett -meditated making a clean breast of it, and asking Miss Welsh to come -in on sharing terms. But he had an incurable objection to -collaboration. Besides, in this case sharing terms would probably mean -that he would have to go through the form, at any rate, of making her -his wife. - -"Where does she keep them? In a safe, I hope." - -He did not hope so, though he said he did. At the very best, a safe, -to a professional man, means the wasting of valuable time. - -"She keeps them in her bedroom, in the chest of drawers, in a red -leather box, in the little top drawer on the left-hand side." - -Mr. Bennett felt a glow steal all over him. He began to conceive quite -a respect for Miss Cecilia Jones. - -"And the gold--where does she keep that?" - -"In tin boxes. There are ten of them. There are a thousand sovereigns -in each. There are five boxes on each side of the chest of drawers." -Mr. Bennett possessed considerable presence of mind, but he almost -lost it then. Ten thousand pounds in sovereigns! He would never regret -the affection he had lavished on Miss Welsh--never, to his dying day. -_Would_ it be a bad speculation to marry her? But no; the thought was -rash. He would reward her, but in quite a different way. He made a -rapid calculation. Ten thousand sovereigns would weigh, roughly, about -130 pounds avoirdupois. He might turn them into a sack--fancy, a -sackful of money! But 130 pounds was no light weight to carry far. He -must have a vehicle at hand. What a convenience a "pal" would be! But -he had worked single-handed so far, and he would work single-handed to -the end. - -When he had ascertained his facts he acted on them at once, thus -revealing the artist again. Spare no pains in making sure that the -crib is worth the cracking, _then_ crack it at once. On the night -following this conversation the crib was cracked: he had arranged for -the marriage to take place on the next day but one--or Miss Welsh -thought he had--so that if he wished to avoid a scandal he really had -no time to lose. We have seen him enter the house. Now we understand -how it was he knew his ground. - -He paused for an instant outside the drawing-room door: it was through -the drawing-room window he had effected an entrance. All was still. He -moved up the staircase two steps at a time. There was not a stair that -creaked. At the top he paused again. From information received, to -adopt a phrase popular in an antagonistic profession, he was aware -that Miss Jones slept in the front bedroom. - -"There's three bedrooms on the first floor. When you gets to the top -of the stairs you turns to the left, and if you goes straight on you -walks right into Miss Jones's room." - -Mr. Bennett turned to the left. He went straight on. Outside Miss -Jones's door he paused again. The critical moment had arrived. He felt -that all his properties were in order--a bottle and a sponge in his -right-hand pocket, a revolver in his left, a stout canvas bag fastened -round his body beneath his coat. The lantern was shut. He opened it -sufficiently to enable him to see what sort of handle there was on the -door. Having satisfied himself on that point he closed it again. - -Then he proceeded to effect an entrance into Miss Jones's bedroom. - -He took the handle firmly in his hand. It turned without the slightest -sound. The door yielded at once. - -"Not locked," said Mr. Bennett beneath his breath. "What a stroke of -luck!" - -Noiselessly the door moved on its hinges. He opened it just wide -enough to enable him to slip inside. When he was in he released the -handle. Instantly the door moved back and closed itself without a -sound. - -"Got a spring upon the door," Mr. Bennett told himself--always beneath -his breath. "Uncommonly well oiled they must keep it too." - -The room was pitchy dark. He listened acutely. All was still as the -grave. He strained his ears to catch Miss Jones's breathing. - -"A light sleeper!" - -A very light sleeper. Strain his ears as he might he could not catch -the slightest sound. Mr. Bennett hesitated. As an artist he was averse -to violence. In cases of necessity he was quite equal to the occasion, -but in cases where it was not necessary he preferred the gentler way. -And where a woman was in question, under hardly any provocation would -he wish to cut her throat. He had chloroform in his pocket. If Miss -Jones was disagreeable he could make his peace with that. But if she -left him unmolested should he stupefy her still? He decided that while -she continued to sleep she should be allowed to sleep, only it would -be well for her not to wake up too soon. - -He moved across the room. Instinctively, even in the thick darkness, -he knew the position of the chest of drawers. He reached it. He -quickly discovered the little top drawer on the left-hand side. - -In a remarkably short space of time he had it open. Then he began to -search for the red leather box. He gleamed the lantern into the drawer -so that its light might assist his search. - -While he was still engaged in the work of discovery, suddenly the room -was all ablaze with light. - -"Thank you. I thought it was you." - -A voice, quite a musical voice, spoke these words behind his back. Mr. -Bennett was, not unnaturally, amazed. The sudden blaze of light -dazzled his eyes. He turned to see who the speaker was. - -"Don't move, or I fire. You will find I am a first-rate shot." - -He stared. Indeed, he had cause to stare. A young lady--a distinctly -pretty young lady--was sitting up in bed holding a revolver in her -hand, which she was pointing straight at him. - -"This room is lighted by electricity. I have only to press a button, -it all goes out." And, in fact, it all went out; again the room was -dark as pitch. "Another, it is alight again." As it was--and that with -the rapidity of a flash of lightning. - -Mr. Bennett stood motionless. For the first time in his professional -career he was at a loss, not only as to what he ought to say, but as -to what he ought to do. The young lady was so pretty. She had long, -fair hair, which ranged loose upon her shoulders; a pair of great big -eyes, which had a very curious effect on Mr. Bennett as they looked at -him; a sweet mouth; through her rosy lips gleamed little pearl-like -teeth; and a very pretty--and equally determined--nose and chin. She -had on the orthodox nightdress, which, in her case, was a gorgeous -piece of feminine millinery, laced all down the front with the -daintiest pink bows. Mr. Bennett had never seen such a picture in his -life. - -"I am Miss Cecilia Jones. You are Mr. Bennett, I presume--George -Bennett--'My George,' as Hannah says. Hannah is a hypnotic subject. -When I am experimenting on her the poor dear creature tells me -everything, you know. I wonder if I could hypnotise you." - -Mr. Bennett did not know what she meant. He was only conscious of the -most singular sensation he had ever experienced. To assist his -understanding, possibly, Miss Jones gave a practical demonstration of -her meaning. With her disengaged hand she made some slight movements -in the air, keeping her eyes fixed on Mr. Bennett all the while. Mr. -Bennett in vain struggled to escape her gaze. Suddenly he was -conscious that, as it were, something had gone from him--his -resolution--his freedom of will--he knew not what. - -Miss Jones put down her hand. - -"I think that you will do. How do you feel?" - -"Very queer." - -Mr. Bennett's utterance was peculiar. He spoke as a man -might speak who is under the influence of a drug, or as one who -dreams--unconsciously, without intention, as it were. - -"Oh, they always do feel like that at first. Are you considered a good -burglar as a rule?" - -"As a rule." - -Mr. Bennett hesitatingly put up his hand and drew it across his brow. -It was the hand which held the lantern. When the lantern touched his -skin he found that it was hot. He let it fall from his hand with a -clatter to the floor. Miss Jones eyed him keenly all the time. - -"I see you are not quite subjective yet, but I think that you will do. -And of course I can always complete the influence if I will. It only -illustrates what I have continually said--that it is not necessarily -the lowest mental organisations that traffic in crime. I should say -that yours was above rather than below the average. Have you yourself -any ideas upon that point?" - -As he answered Mr. Bennett faintly sighed. - -"None!" - -Miss Jones smiled, and as she smiled he smiled too, though there was -this feature about Mr. Bennett's smile--there was not in it any sense -of mirth. Miss Jones seemed to notice this, for she smiled still more. -Immediately Mr. Bennett's smile expanded into a hideous grin. Then she -burst into laughter. Mr. Bennett laughed out too. - -"After all, you are more subjective than I thought you were. I don't -think I ever had a subject laugh quite so sympathetically before." - -As Miss Jones said this--which she did when she had done laughing--she -turned and adjusted the pillows so as to form a support to her back. -Against this she reclined at ease. She placed the revolver on the -bolster at her side. From a receptacle in the nature of a tidy, which -was fastened to the wall above her head, she drew a small leather -case. From this she took a cigarette and a match. With the most -charming air imaginable she proceeded to light the cigarette and -smoke. - -Mr. Bennett watched all her movements, feeling that he must be playing -a part in a dream. It was a perceptible relief when she removed her -eyes from his face, though they were such pretty eyes. Yet, although -she was not looking at him, he felt that she saw him all the time--he -had a hideous impression that she even saw what was passing in his -mind. - -"I wouldn't think about my revolver. You won't be able to fire it, you -know." - -He had been thinking about his revolver: a faint notion had been -growing up in his mind that he would like to have just one shot at -her. Miss Jones made this remark in the most tranquil tone of voice, -as she was engaged in extinguishing the match with which she had -lighted her cigarette. - -"And I wouldn't worry about that chloroform--it is chloroform, isn't -it?--in the right-hand pocket of your coat." - -As she said this Miss Jones threw the extinguished match from her -on to the bedroom floor. A great cloud of horror was settling down on -Mr. Bennett's brain. Was this fair creature a thing of earth at -all? Was she a witch or a fairy queen? Mr. Bennett was a tolerably -well-educated man, and he had read of fairy queens. He gave a sudden -start. Miss Jones had lighted the cigarette to her satisfaction, and -had fixed her eyes upon his face again. - -"I suppose you were hardly prepared for this sort of thing?" - -"Hardly." - -The word came from Mr. Bennett's stammering lips. - -"When you heard about the defencelessness of Acacia Villa, and about -Miss Jones--who was peculiar--and that sort of thing, you doubtless -took it for granted that it was to be all plain sailing?" - -"Something of the kind." - -Not the least odd part of the affair was that Mr. Bennett found -himself answering Miss Jones without the least intention of doing -anything of the sort. - -"Those diamonds you were looking for are at the bottom of the -drawer--at the back. Just get them out and bring them here. In a red -leather case--you know." - -Mechanically Mr. Bennett did as he was told. When his back was turned -to the lady, and he ceased to be compelled to meet her eyes, quite a -spasm of relief went over him. A faint desire was again born within -his breast to assert his manhood. The lady's quiet voice immediately -interposed. - -"I wouldn't worry myself with such thoughts if I were you. You are -quite subjective." - -He was subjective, though still Mr. Bennett had not the faintest -notion what she meant. He found the red leather box. He brought it to -her on the bed. He came so close to her that she puffed the smoke -between her rosy lips up into his face. - -"It is not locked. It opens with a spring, like this." - -She stretched out her hand. As she did so she grazed slightly one of -his. He trembled at her touch. She pressed some hidden spring in the -box and the lid flew open. It was full of diamonds, which gleamed and -sparkled like liquid light. - -"Not bad stones, are they? There's a hundred thousand pounds' worth at -the least. There are the tin boxes, you see. Five on either side the -chest of drawers." Mr. Bennett followed the direction of Miss Jones's -hand--he saw them plainly enough. "A hundred thousand pounds' worth of -diamonds in your hand, ten thousand pounds in front of you--not bad -plunder for a single night's work. And only a young woman to reckon -with--it is not twelve months since I turned twenty-one. Yet I don't -think you will get much out of this little job--do you?" - -The tears actually stood in Mr. Bennett's eyes. - -"I don't think I shall," he moaned. - -"And yet there is no magic about it--not the least. It is simply an -illustration of the latest phase in scientific development." Miss -Jones leaned back against the pillows, enjoying her cigarette with the -etherealised satisfaction of the true lover of the weed. With her left -hand--what a little white and dainty hand it was!--she toyed with her -long, fair hair. "At an extremely early age I discovered that I could -exercise at will remarkable powers over my fellow-creatures. I lost no -opportunity to develop those powers. At twenty-one I became my own -mistress. I realised my fortune--as Hannah told you--and retired to -Acacia Villa. You understand I had ideas of my own. I was peculiar, if -you choose to have it so. I continued to develop my powers. I -experimented upon Hannah. Now I am experimenting upon you. I am -enjoying this experiment very much indeed. I hope you are enjoying it -a quarter as much as I am--are you?" Some slightly inarticulate remark -dropped from Mr. Bennett, which was apparently to the effect that he -was not. - -"I am sorry to hear that. Perhaps you will enjoy it more a little -later on. Now, what shall I do with you? I know." - -Miss Jones pressed a little ivory button, which was one of a row set -in a frame of wood against the wall. - -"That rings an electric bell in Hannah's room. I often ring her down -in the middle of the night to be experimented on. She comes directly. -Here she is, you see." - -There was a slight tapping against the bedroom door. - -"Come in!" exclaimed Miss Jones. - -The door opened and Miss Welsh came in. She was not exactly in full -dress. Mr. Bennett, who through it all was conscious in a horrid, -nightmare sort of way, thought that he had never seen anyone look so -extremely unprepossessing as Miss Welsh looked in disarray. The -instant she was inside the room Miss Jones raised her hand. Miss Welsh -stood still. Miss Jones turned to Mr. Bennett. - -"I have her entirely under control. Some of the results I have -obtained with her are really quite remarkable. But you shall see for -yourself and judge." The young lady addressed Miss Welsh. - -"Well, Hannah, here is Mr. Bennett, you see." - -It was evident that Miss Welsh did see. She seemed struggling to give -expression to her feelings in speech. Miss Jones went calmly on-- - -"He is here on business--he is committing burglary, in fact. You were -right in supposing that was his profession. The mistake you made was -in imagining that he would have shared the spoil with you. I think, -Mr. Bennett, I am right in saying that you would not have given Hannah -much?" - -"Not a sou." - -"Probably you did not even intend to marry her?" - -"I would have seen her hung first." - -Mr. Bennett made this plain statement with quite curious ferocity. -Miss Welsh rubbed her eyes with the sleeve of what we will suppose, -for courtesy's sake, was her nightdress. - -"That makes nine of 'em," she said. - -"That makes nine of them, as Hannah says. Hannah, Mr. Bennett, is a -woman of experience. She has had nine promises of marriage, but not -one of them came off. But I don't think, Hannah, that you ever had a -promise from a burglar before?" - -"Never before." - -"Then, at least, that is a new experience, and a new experience is so -precious. Is there any remark you would like to make, Hannah, -appropriate to the occasion?" - -For a moment it did not appear as though there were. Then it seemed -that there at least was one. - -"I should like to scratch his eyes out," observed the damsel--ętat -forty-five or so. - -Miss Cecilia smiled. Mr. Bennett immediately smiled too. But there was -this difference--that while the lady's smile was a thing of beauty, -the gentleman's was a peculiar ghastly grin. - -Miss Jones remarked Mr. Bennett's facial contortions with an -appearance of considerable interest. - -"I never had them smile _quite_ so sympathetically before. In that -respect, Mr. Bennett, you are unique. Charmed to have met you, I am -sure." The young lady knocked the ash off her cigarette with her -dainty finger and turned her attention to Miss Welsh. "I don't think, -Hannah, that we will have any scratching out of eyes." - -When she had thus delivered herself Miss Jones reclined in silence for -some moments on her pillows, discharging the smoke of her cigarette -through her delicate pink nostrils. When she spoke again it was to the -gentleman she addressed herself. - -"Mr. Bennett, would you mind closing that box of diamonds and -replacing them in the drawer?" - -Mr. Bennett shut the box with a little snap and carried it across the -room. There was something odd about his demeanour as he did this--an -appearance as though he were not engaged in the sort of labour which -physics pain. Miss Welsh, standing as though rooted to the ground, -followed him with her eyes. The expression of her countenance was one -of undisguised amazement. Her face was eloquent with a yearning to -relieve herself with words. When Mr. Bennett put the box back where he -had found it and shut the drawer she gave a kind of gasp. From Mr. -Bennett there came a distinctly audible groan. "Turn round, Mr. -Bennett, and look at me." Mr. Bennett did as he was bidden. He was not -altogether a bad-looking young man--his chief fault, from the -physiognomist's point of view, lay in the steely tint of his clear -blue eyes. Miss Jones's great big orbs seemed to rest upon him with a -certain degree of pleasure. "I need scarcely point out to you that the -burglary is a failure. The principal cause of failure is that you are -too subjective. You have quite one of the most subjective -organisations I have yet encountered. The ideal criminal must keep -himself abreast with the advance of science. In failing to do so, Mr. -Bennett, you have been guilty of a blunder which, in your case, is -certainly worse than crime. You are a dreadful example of the -burglar's blunder. I might label you, preserve you in your hypnotic -state, and use you as an illustration of a lecture I am now preparing. -But I have other views, and it is not impossible I may encounter you -again. Go to my writing-table. You will find a sheet of foolscap -paper. Write what I dictate." - -Mr. Bennett went to the writing-table. He found the sheet of foolscap -paper. "Write, in good, bold characters:-- - - - "_I am George Bennett_, - _The Burglar_. - _For further particulars apply at Acacia Villa_." - - -Mr. Bennett wrote as she dictated, displaying the above legend in a -striking round hand right across the sheet of paper. Miss Jones -addressed Miss Welsh: - -"Hannah, in my workbasket you will find a needle and some good stout -thread. Get it out." Miss Welsh got it out. "Mr. Bennett, take off -that sack which you have wound round your body beneath your coat." Mr. -Bennett took it off. "Button up your coat again." Mr. Bennett buttoned -it up. "Hannah, take that sheet of foolscap paper, on which Mr. -Bennett has written at my dictation, and sew it firmly to the front of -his buttoned-up coat." - -Miss Welsh took the sheet of foolscap paper. She approached Mr. -Bennett, holding it in her hand. Mr. Bennett's hands dropped to his -sides. He regarded her with a look which was the reverse of amiable. -She eyed him with what were doubtless intended to be soft, pleading -glances. When she reached him she placed her hand timidly against his -chest. Mr. Bennett looked particularly glum. She raised the other hand -which held the sheet of foolscap paper and spread it out upon his -breast. It was legible at quite a considerable distance: - - - "_I am George Bennett_, - _The Burglar_. - _For further particulars apply at Acacia Villa_." - - -It was hardly the sort of inscription a chivalrous spirit would wish -to have displayed upon his breast by the object of his heart's desire, -or even by the woman he had promised to marry in the course of the -following morning. Miss Welsh, who seemed to feel the truth of this, -looked at him with sad, beseeching eyes. But Mr. Bennett's glumness -perceptibly increased. Then Miss Welsh proceeded to sew the -inscription on. It must be owned that it was a conscientious piece of -sewing. She first tacked it round the edges, then she sewed it up and -down and across, from corner to corner, with a hundred careful -stitches, in such a way that he would have had to tear it to -fragments, piecemeal, in order to get it off. It would have been quite -impossible to unbutton his coat while he had that inscription on. The -process seemed to make Miss Welsh extremely sad. It made Mr. Bennett -sadder still. When she had finished her conscientious piece of work -she crossed her hands meekly in front of her and looked up at him with -a rapturous gaze. Mr. Bennett did not seem to feel rapturous at all. - -"Now, Hannah, take the sack which Mr. Bennett wore beneath his coat -and hold it open for him, and enable him to step inside." - -The sack was lying on the floor. Miss Welsh, with a half-uttered sigh, -picked it up, and held the mouth wide open. Mr. Bennett scowled first -at the lady, then at the bag. He raised his left foot gingerly, and -placed it in the opening. Miss Welsh assisted him in thrusting his leg -well home. Then there was a pause. - -"Perhaps, Mr. Bennett, you had better put you arms round Hannah's -neck," observed Miss Jones. - -She was engaged in lighting a second cigarette at the ashes of the -first. - -Mr. Bennett put his arms about Miss Welsh's neck and thrust his other -leg into the sack. - -"Draw it up about his waist," remarked Miss Jones. By now the second -cigarette was well alight. - -Miss Welsh drew it up about his waist. It was a good-sized sack, so -that, although a man of at least the average height, being drawn up it -reached his loins. - -"Mr. Bennett, hold the sack in that position with both your hands." -Mr. Bennett held the sack in that position with both his hands. -"Hannah, in the bottom of the hanging cupboard you will find some -cord. Get it out." - -In a mechanically melancholy way Miss Welsh did as she was told. The -cord, being produced, took the shape of a coil of rope, about the -thickness of one's middle finger. - -"Make two holes in the front of the sack and pass the cord through -them." With the same sad air Miss Welsh acted on Miss Jones's fresh -instructions. She made two holes in the front of the sack and passed -the two ends of the cord through them. - -"Now pass the cord over his shoulders, make two holes in the back of -the sack, pass the cord through them, then draw it tight." - -Again Miss Welsh obeyed, dolefully, yet conscientiously withal. The -result was that when the rope was tightened--and Miss Welsh, in the -most conscientious manner, drew it as tight as she possibly could--Mr. -Bennett's lower portions were imprisoned in the sack in a manner -which was hardly dignified. He might have been about to engage in a -sack-race, only he did not appear to be in a sack-racing frame of -mind. Miss Welsh seemed to feel that she was hardly treating him in -the way in which one would wish to treat one's best young man. It was -evident that Mr. Bennett had not the slightest doubt but that he was -being used very badly indeed. - -"Take the bottle and sponge, which you will find in his right-hand -pocket, and the revolver, which you will find in his left, and place -them on the bed." Miss Welsh did as her mistress told her. "Now tie -him up with the cord so as to render him incapable of moving a limb. -There are thirty-two yards of it. With that quantity, and the exercise -of a little skill, you should be able to make him tolerably secure." - -As Miss Jones said this it almost seemed that Miss Welsh started. Mr. -Bennett certainly did. Miss Welsh looked at him with such piteous -eyes; Mr. Bennett favoured her with an unmistakable scowl--a scowl, -indeed, of singular malignity. Then she proceeded to tie him up. In -doing so she showed considerable skill and conscientiousness to boot. -She first passed the rope two or three times right round him, so as to -pinion his arms to his sides. Then, putting her foot up against his -side, so as to enable her to use it as a lever, she hauled the rope as -tight as she could. She did not seem to enjoy the hauling part of -it--nor did Mr. Bennett, for the matter of that. She was a woman of -undeniable strength; it was a wonder that she did not cut in two the -man she had promised to marry. When the rope was at its utmost tension -she made a most dexterous knot. He would have been tolerably secure -had she done no more. But she did a great deal more; in that -conscientious way she had she ran the rope about his legs, hauling it -fast with the same ingenuity of method--with such energy, in fact, -that she hauled him off his legs, and both he and she fell flat upon -the floor. - -"Pick yourself up, Hannah; and you had better continue to tie Mr. -Bennett where he lies--you will find it more convenient, perhaps." - -Miss Welsh acted on Miss Jones's hint. But, however it may have added -to her convenience, so far as Mr. Bennett was concerned it made the -matter worse. She performed her task in such a very conscientious way; -she rolled him over and over, she knelt on him--to give her leverage -in hauling she even stood on him--she stood him on his feet and on his -head. It certainly was _not_ a favourable example of the way in which -a young woman should use her best young man. - -"Now, Hannah, you can stand Mr. Bennett on his feet," remarked Miss -Jones, when she saw that Miss Welsh had completed her task. "If Mr. -Bennett is unable to stand you had better prop him up with his back -against the wall." - -Miss Welsh propped Mr. Bennett up with his back against the wall: he -would have certainly been unable to stand alone. Miss Jones addressed -herself to him: - -"You see, Mr. Bennett, how entirely I have Hannah under my control. -She is beautifully subjective. As I pointed out to you before, I -assure you I have obtained some really remarkable results with Hannah. -I hope that you have enjoyed all that you have seen--have you?" - -Mr. Bennett feebly shook his head. He did not seem to have sufficient -energy left to enable him to say he hadn't. He was too much tied up. -Miss Jones went on-- - -"Before we part--and we are about to part, for the present, at -least--I should like to address to you a few appropriate remarks. -Burglary, I need not point out to you, Mr. Bennett, is criminal, and -not only criminal, but cowardly. You select, as a rule, the night. You -choose, preferentially, a house in which the inhabitants are helpless. -You steal upon them unawares, prepared, if necessary, to take their -lives at the moment when they are least able to defend them. You -yourself are a coward of the most despicable sort, or you would never -have come, in the dead of the night, certainly to rob, and perhaps to -kill, an unprotected woman. I cannot describe to you the satisfaction -which I feel when I consider that this is a case of the biter bit. -When I think how conscious you yourself must be of how completely the -tables have been turned, I assure you that I am ready to dance about -the room with joy. I trust, Mr. Bennett, that you will perceive and -allow that these few remarks point a moral and adorn a tale. What I am -now about to do with you is this. You brought that chloroform to -stupefy me. On the contrary, with it Hannah shall stupefy you. When -you are stupefied she will open the window, she will drag you to it, -and she will drop you out. There is only a drop of about twelve feet. -There is a flower-bed beneath. I hope you will not fall hard. You will -damage the flowers, I am afraid; but, under the circumstances, I will -excuse you that. You will lie there through the night. In the morning -I will take care that a policeman finds you there. He will see the -inscription written by yourself, and sewn on your breast by Hannah. He -will see that you are George Bennett, the burglar, and he will act on -the hint contained in the last line--he will make further inquiries at -Acacia Villa. I assure you I will answer them. I will prosecute you -with the utmost rigour of the law. You have doubtless, in the course -of your career, been guilty of multitudinous crimes. I think I know a -means of bringing every one of them home to you. You will be sentenced -to a long term of penal servitude. For a considerable time to come I -shall know where to find you should I desire to subject you to further -experiment." - -As Miss Jones made these observations, which she did in the sweetest -and most musical of voices, she continued to enjoy her cigarette. A -fairer picture of feminine indulgence in the nicotian weed, it is not -improbable, was never seen. But neither Mr. Bennett nor Miss Welsh -seemed to appreciate the opportunity they had of observing the fair -picture under circumstances of such exceptional advantage--the -gentleman even less than the lady. After a short pause the beautiful -young smoker gave a few instructions to Miss Welsh: - -"Hannah, take that bottle of chloroform and that sponge. Empty the -contents of the bottle on to the sponge; then press the sponge against -Mr. Bennett's mouth and nose, and hold it there." - -As Miss Jones said this an expression of great agony struggled through -the stupor which was the prevailing characteristic of Mr. Bennett's -face. It seemed as though he struggled to speak. But his tongue was -mute. Miss Welsh, too, seemed unutterably sad. At the same time she -did as her mistress bade. She drew the cork out of the bottle and -emptied the contents on to the sponge. As she did so Mr. Bennett's -eyes passed from Miss Welsh to Miss Jones, and from Miss Jones to Miss -Welsh, with something of that look of dumb agony which it is so -painful to see at times upon the face of a dog. Miss Welsh emptied the -bottle to its latest drop. She advanced towards Mr. Bennett, labelled, -tied, and propped up against the wall. He made a perceptible effort to -give expression to his agony in speech. But Miss Welsh gave him no -time. She clapped the sponge upon his mouth and nose, pressing his -head with all her force against the wall. He shivered, gave a sort of -sigh, and fell, lying where he had fallen. Under Miss Welsh's forcible -manipulation the anęsthetic had quickly done its work. - -"Open the window wide!" Miss Welsh opened the window wide. "Pick Mr. -Bennett up!" Miss Welsh picked him up. "Carry him to the window!" She -carried him to the window. It was a curious spectacle to see her -bearing all that was near and dear to her to his ignominious doom. -"Throw him out!" She threw him out. There was a momentary silence. -Then came the sound of a thud. Mr. Bennett had fallen on the -flower-bed beneath. "Shut the window down!" Miss Welsh shut the window -down. "Go to the door, turn round, and look at me!" Miss Welsh did as -she was bidden. She shuddered when her eyes encountered her mistress's -glorious orbs. - -The young smoker, raising her exquisitely-shaped hand, made a slight -movement with it in the air. - -"Leave the room and go to bed!" she said. Miss Welsh left the room and -disappeared. - -When she was left alone Miss Cecilia Jones carefully extinguished her -cigarette, putting the unconsumed fragment in a little ash-tray which -was fastened to the wall above her head. She replaced the pillows in -their former position; under one of them she placed her revolver, on -it she placed her head. Touching one of the ivory buttons, which she -could easily do from where she lay, instantly the room was dark. In -the darkness, having made herself comfortable between the sheets, she -set herself to woo sweet sleep. - - - - - Ninepence! - - -I had gone in to get a glass of ale--into the four-ale bar. The place -was pretty full. Scarcely had I begun to absorb my liquid when a -gentleman of the nondescript sort, having a remnant of a red -handkerchief tied about his neck, favoured me with this inquiry: - -"If a party what you knew nothink at all about, and never seed afore -in all your dyes, was to ask you to lend 'im ninepence, would you lend -it 'im?" - -As I thought it possible that the party in question might be himself, -I lost no time whatever in replying, "Certainly not." - -He turned to a friend with sandy hair and a suit of clothes which, -unless he had decreased to half his size since first he had them, must -originally have been somebody else's. - -"That is what I says. Isn't that what I says? I says I wouldn't. No -more I wouldn't." - -The friend tilted his cap over his eyes, and he dug the knuckles of -his right hand into the back of his head. I have not the faintest -notion why. And he held forth thus: - -"It was like this here. I was in the bar, yer know, along with some -other parties, yer know, as it might be me and you in 'ere, when 'e -comes in." - -"Who come in?" - -"Why this 'ere bloke. He says to me, 'If this ain't a pretty start, -what is?' I says, 'What's up now?' He says, 'Just cast your eyes round -me.' And he lifts up the tails of 'is coat--'e 'ad a tail-coat on, -leastways it 'ad been a tail-coat once--and 'e says, 'Them's -trousers.' I says, 'They don't look it.' 'E says, 'They don't. And -that's 'ow I'll lose a fortune.' I says, ''Ow do you make that out?' 'E -says, 'I'll tell yer, seeing as 'ow you're a friend.'" - -"Was 'e a friend of yourn? I thought yer said yer'd never seed 'im -afore?" - -"More I 'adn't. 'E draws the back of 'is 'and acrost 'is mug, and 'e -says, 'I suppose you couldn't spare a sup?' Well, I let 'im 'ave a -drop, and 'e pretty nearly drained me. 'I'll tell you all about it,' -'e says. 'It's like this--like this 'ere. I'm a hartist, that's -what I am--a profeshunal--yes. And I've got a hingagement to-night -at one of the fust music-'alls in London--the very fust. I'm going -to do my hextra speshul turn. It'll be worth to me every farden of -'arf-a-quid--yes. And now it's orf.' I says, ''Ow do yer make that -out?' 'E pulls up the tails of 'is coat, ''Cause of them. Speaking, as -it might be, as one hartist to another hartist, as a hartist, 'ow -would you like to go on to do a hextra speshul turn in one of the fust -music-'alls in London in them for trousers? And, mind you, mine's a -drawin'-room entertainment, and no lies--that's what mine is. Yes, -straight.' 'Well,' I says, 'I shouldn't.' 'E says, 'Of course you -wouldn't; you couldn't. Why, they'd 'oot at yer. Yes. So I've got to -chuck it.' I says, 'That's 'ard.' 'E says,' It is 'ard; it's bitter -'ard--cruel 'ard.' 'E leans agin the counter, and he takes 'old, -casual like, of a pewter what belonged to a chap as was be'ind 'im, -and 'e lifts it to 'is lips, as if 'e didn't know what 'e was a-doing -of. But the chap as the pewter belonged to, 'e grabs 'old of it, and -'e says, 'Excuse me, who's a-payin'?' And this bloke says, seemin' -quite took aback-like, 'I beg your pardon, sir. It was a haccident.' -And the chap, 'e says, 'We'll call it a haccident,' and he drains the -pewter right off, so as to make sure. And this 'ere bloke what I'm -a-telling you of, he wipes his mouth agin, and he looks at me. But I -wasn't a-taking any. So 'e says, 'And what makes it all the 'arder is -what I'm going to tell yer--you bein' a friend o' mine.'" - -"I thought you says 'e wasn't a friend o' yourn." - -"More 'e wasn't. 'Ow could he be? Don't I tell yer I never saw 'im -afore?" - -"Well, 'e 'ad got a nerve, 'e 'ad. Some of 'em does 'ave." - -"It was only 'is kid, you know. 'E says, 'I've got one of the finest -pair of trousers there is in all England--straight, I have. 'Well,' I -says, 'if I was you I'd put 'em on.' 'E says, 'They're spouted. I was -just a-going to get 'em out when I come in 'ere.' 'Why don't you -'urry,' I says, 'and get 'em out?' 'I can't.' 'Why can't you?' 'Sold -the ticket.' 'What for?' 'Tuppence.' 'Can't yer buy it agin?' ''Aven't -got the tuppence.' 'I can't make you out,' I says. 'Fust yer say -you're going to get your trousers out o' pawn, then yer say you've -sold the ticket, then yer say you haven't got the tuppence to buy it -back agin. Where do you think you're going to get the tuppence from?' -'E says, 'That's what I want to know. Where am I?' I says, ''Ow much -is there on the trousers?' 'E says, 'Sevenpence.' 'What,' I says, -'sevenpence on the finest pair of trousers there is in all England! -They must be odd 'uns.' 'I might 'ave 'ad an 'eap o' money,' 'e says, -'an 'eap, but I didn't want it. That's where it was.' 'Was you in -funds when you pawned your trousers?' 'Of course I was.' I says, 'I -don't see no of course about it.' 'E says, 'Where else was I to put -'em?' - -"I says,' Wasn't there your legs? Was yer legs in pawn?' 'E says, -'That's different. I wasn't speakin' about that.' I says,' Well, then, -I am.' 'E leans back agin the counter, and 'e looks up at the ceiling, -and 'e says, 'Ninepence between me and fortune. Every farden of -'arfa-quid. Perhaps several 'arf-a-quids. If any lady or -gentleman'--'e spoke like a reading book--'was to advance me the loan -of ninepence for to enable me to clothe my legs with a pair of -trousers as was suited to one of the fust music-'alls in London, and -as would do credit to any hartist on the boards, I shall not cease for -to remember the haction while the breath remains within my body. That -is hall I 'ave to say. I say no more.' But 'e'd said enough. You -should 'ave 'eard 'im--done yer good. Of course, that 'ushed the -patter. No one wasn't going to say nothing after that. Not 'ardly. -Presently one woman says, 'I'll give a penny if anyone else will.' -This 'ere bloke took off 'is 'at. 'Madam, I thank you; as a hartist I -thank you.' Then a lady what was with this other lady says, 'Susan, if -you'll give a penny, I'll give a penny too.' Then this 'ere bloke's -'at come off again. Then there was a whip round. But it hung fire a -bit. Nobody didn't quite ketch on. So this 'ere other lady, she says, -'It seems 'ard that a man can't earn 'is daily bread 'cause he ain't -got no trousers to earn it in, don't it, Susan?' And Susan says, 'It -do seem hard.' And this 'ere bloke, 'e says, 'It's cruel 'ard.' Then -one chap says, 'I'll give a pennyworth.' And another chap give a -pennyworth. And presently there was the ninepence." - -"Did you give a pennyworth?" - -"Not me." - -"Why didn't yer?" - -"'Cause I hadn't got it." - -"Would yer if yer 'ad?" - -"Not me." - -"Why wouldn't yer?" - -"'Cause 'e was only a kiddin'." - -"'Ow d'ye know 'e was only a kiddin'?" - -"Anyone could tell 'e was." - -"Them other parties couldn't tell 'e was." - -"That's their look out." - -"'Ere's a bloke what's going to earn 'arfa-quid----" - -"'E warn't going to earn no 'arf-a-quid no more than you are." - -"If I wanted yer to lend me ninepence, would yer lend it me?" - -"No." - -"Why wouldn't yer?" - -"'Cause I 'aven't got it." - -"You never don't seem to 'ave nothink." - -"I 'ave as much as you, perhaps, once in a while." - -"I've just stood yer 'arf a pint." - -"And I've stood you 'arf a pint more than once, and more than twice." - -"I don't say you 'aven't." The original speaker turned to me. "If a -friend was to ask you to lend 'im ninepence, wouldn't you lend it 'im? - -"That would depend on whether I had it." - -"You, being a gentleman, of course you would have it." - -I had finished my ale. I sidled towards the door. - -"I fear that does not necessarily follow." - -The man advanced. - -"Look 'ere, if I was to ask you to lend me ninepence----" - -"Excuse me. I'm afraid I must be off." - -And I was off. - -I have a moral conviction that if I had stayed much longer that man -would have tried to wriggle ninepence out of me. - - - - - A Battlefield Up-to-Date - - -I said to Nowell at the time that I didn't altogether like the notion. -He seemed astonished. - -"I thought you stipulated for something both novel and surprising?" - -"Yes," I admitted, "I did. But I do not want the roof blown off. I -don't want either the novelty or the surprise to go so far as that. -This is an evening party, Nowell. The persons present will be friends -of mine." - -Nowell was sarcastic--almost rude. He appeared to be of opinion that -"A Battlefield Up-to-Date, with Realistic Illustrations and -Experiments," was just the theme for a drawing-room lecture. - -"Steingard," he observed, "is an enthusiast--a man in a million. Think -of the kudos it will bring you to have the ideas of a man like that -first given to the world upon your premises--your party'll be -immortal. Steingard's theories will revolutionise the art of -warfare--they'll amaze you." - -Steingard was the individual who was going to lecture. I never saw him -before that fatal night--and I've never seen him since. He had better -let me catch him. - -I did not mention to my wife what was to be the lecturer's theme until -the actual morning of the appointed day--I had had my qualms all -through. She at once remarked that the party would have to be -postponed--or the lecture. She was not going to have cannons let off -in her drawing-room--nor dynamite either. Was I insane? or was I -merely a senseless idiot? Did I not know that the mere explosion of a -pistol at the theatre brought her to the verge of hysterics? Did I or -did anyone else suppose that machine-guns discharging two thousand -shots a minute could be fired with impunity at her guests? Was that my -notion of an evening party? If so, perhaps I had better let the people -know before they came. - -I assured her that there would not be any machine-guns nor -dynamite--nor, indeed, anything of the kind. Nowell had given me his -word of honour that there would be no explosives of any sort. What -there would be I did not know, but I had obtained a distinct guarantee -that there would be nothing to "go off." Still, I went to Nowell to -tell him I thought that perhaps after all the lecture had better be -put off. Only as he turned out to be out of town, and I didn't know -Steingard's address, I felt that all I could do would be to hope for -the best. - -If I had had the faintest shadow of a notion of what that best would -be! - -As soon as the guests began to arrive I perceived that the little -programme I had arranged to open the evening with was not altogether -relished. - -"Well, Mr. Parker," asked Mrs. Griffin, as I met her at the door, -"what are you going to give us this time to amuse us till the dancing -begins? Your ideas are always so original. Last year you gave us that -beautiful little play." - -"And this year I am going to give you something novel and surprising. -The distinguished scientist, Steingard, will give you a vivid -impressionistic picture of a battle up-to-date, as it will exist under -conditions created by himself." - -"Oh!" She looked a trifle blank. "And where is he going to give it -us--in here?" - -She glanced round the room, as if she felt that, for an exhibition of -that particular kind, space was a little restricted. I admitted to -myself that the apartment was getting filled. My wife's mother became -quite excited directly she heard what was about to take place. - -"My goodness gracious, Henry," she exclaimed, "whatever do you mean? -You know I am so sensitive that I cannot bear the slightest allusion -to war and bloodshed. I shall insist on remaining in Louisa's bedroom -till all is over." - -And she did insist--showing herself to be wiser than she supposed. As -I gradually became conscious that others would have insisted had they -not feared the appearance of rudeness, I felt that Nowell had been an -ass in supposing that such a subject would fitly usher in a little -dance, and that I had been another in not snubbing him upon the spot. -So, as Steingard was behind his time, I decided that when he did come -I would ask him to stop and join the party and have a bit of supper, -and just casually as it were put off the lecture to some future -occasion. - -But I was not prepared for the kind of man Steingard proved himself to -be. - -Directly he arrived I ran out into the street and found him getting -out of a four-wheeled cab, the top of which was covered with large -wooden cases. - -"You are Mr. Steingard? Delighted to meet you. You are a little -late; so, as we're just beginning dancing, I think we'll have the -lecture some time next week. But of course you'll stop and join -the--eh--festive throng?" - -"Your name is Barker?" - -I explained that my name was Parker. He spoke with a strong foreign -accent, and in a tone of voice which I instinctively disliked. He was -about six and a half feet high, and had a moustache which stood out -three inches on either side of his face; not at all the sort of -looking person with whom one would care to quarrel. - -"I have not come to be made a fool of," he remarked. "I have come to -give a lecture, and that lecture I will give!" - -And he gave it. It is all very well to say that when I saw what sort -of man he was I ought not to have let him into the house. But he was -invited, and I have the instincts of a gentleman. So they hauled four -great wooden cases up the stairs. It took six strong men to do it; -they broke the banisters and knocked pieces out of the wall as they -went. When the cases were opened they proved to be full of bottles of -all sorts, shapes, sizes, and colours. - -"Reminds you of the old Polytechnic. Do you remember the Leyden jars -they used to have?" - -When George Foster said that in a sort of whisper I thought of -Edison's ideas of the dreadful part which electricity might be made to -play in modern warfare. I did not require any illustrations of -electrocution in my house, so I asked the lecturer a question. - -"I suppose it has nothing to do with electricity?" - -"Electricity? It is not electricity which kills men like flies, do not -believe it. It is what I have in here." - -He waved his hand towards his bottles. His manner was not reassuring. - -"And of course there's nothing explosive?" - -"Explosive? What have I to do with explosives?--ask of yourself. It is -not dynamite, it is not melinite, it is not cordite which destroys -millions. It is noding of the kind. The Great Death is in these -bottles." - -He said this in a way which made me quite uncomfortable--it was most -unsuited to an evening party. Every moment I liked the fellow less and -less, towards his bottles I felt an absolute aversion. I own that my -impulse would have been to have sneaked out into the street and -strolled round the square till the lecture was finished. But as I -occupied the position of host I was in duty bound to see it through. -And I did. Shall I ever forget it? Anything more monstrous than -Nowell's idea of what was a fitting prelude to a little party I never -yet encountered. - -The lecturer commenced. He was as grave as a judge. It gave you the -creeps to hear him. There was nothing humorous about him; he was a -dreadful man. His accent was peculiar. - -"In modern warfare de battle is not to de soldier, it is to de -ghemist. I will prove it to you very easily. I have here dree bottles. -They are little bottles"--they were, quite small--"yet I have only to -take de stoppers out and you will know it as certainly as if I had -exploded dree dynamite bombs." - -I am sure the people paled, it was enough to make them. - -"De first bottle will make you cough, de second will affect your -eyesight, and de dird bottle will make you ill. I will soon show to -you dat I am not lying. From de first bottle I will now take de -stopper." - -He did, before anyone could stop him; in fact, before I, for one, had -any idea of what it was that he was driving at. Directly he did so the -atmosphere of the room became impregnated with an acrid odour which -had a most irritating effect on the tonsils of the throat. Whether the -man was a maniac or not, to this hour I have not certainly decided; -but there he stood, the stopper in his hand, the atmosphere growing -worse and worse, my guests staring at him with scared faces, every -second increasing their sense of discomfort. One person began to -cough, then another, then another, until presently everyone was -coughing as I doubt if they had ever coughed before. It was a horrid -spectacle. As for me--my throat is uncomfortably sensitive--I expected -every moment I should choke. - -"Did I not say," observed the scoundrel Steingard, "dat de first -bottle would make you cough? I will now replace de stopper." - -He replaced it. By degrees that peculiar acrid quality in the air -became less prominent. People began to recover--just in time. It is my -belief that if they had continued to cough much longer something -serious would have happened. As it was several of them were too -exhausted to be able to give expression to their feelings in audible -speech. - -"I will now remove de stopper from de second bottle." - -Had I been able to do so I should have prevented him, even at the risk -of a scene--I am sure I should, I don't care who denies it. But the -truth is I was so shaken that it was all I could do to stand, and -before I was sufficiently recovered to allow of my interference the -miscreant had worked his wicked will. He had unstoppered bottle No. 2, -and for the former acrid odour there was substituted a pungent -something which affected one like an unusual kind of smelling-salts. -One's eyes not only began to water, they continued to water. They -watered more and more. The tears trickled down our noses. We had to -use our pocket-handkerchiefs to mop them up with. The more we mopped -the more they flowed. It was ludicrous. We were literally blinded by -our tears. Nothing could have been more out of place in a jovial -gathering. For my part my lachrymal ducts were acted on to such an -extraordinary extent that I could see nothing. I endured the acme of -discomfort. - -"Did I not say," remarked the experimental Steingard--he spoke as if -he were uttering the merest commonplace!--"dat de second bottle would -affect de eyesight? Did I choose, de mere continuation of de stopper -out of de bottle in de end would make you blind. But for our purpose -to-night it is not necessary to go so far as dat. We will now pass on -to de dird bottle." - -"Pardon me, sir--excuse me for one moment!" The interruption came from -General Wheeler, and evinced considerable presence of mind. Steingard -paused with his hand upon the stopper. The General went on. "Did I -understand you to say that the effect of unstoppering that other -bottle will be to make us ill?" - -"Yes, my friend, dat is so. I am now about to show it to you." - -"You needn't, it is unnecessary. I'm ill already. So ill, indeed, that -I shall send for a physician the instant I reach home. And I'm going -home at once. If this is a party it's the first I've ever been to, and -I'll take my oath it shall be the last. Now, Mrs. Wheeler! Now, -Augusta! Philippa! Mary! Matilda! Lucy! you girls! George! Frederic! -Ferdinand! you boys, put your things on and come away with me at once. -We're not going to stop here to be slaughtered by way of illustrating -a murderous lecture on warfare up-to-date." - -And the General began to collect his numerous progeny with what was, -undoubtedly, a considerable show of heat. That he should have been -moved to such behaviour in my house was most distressing. My wife -regards the Wheelers as being among the most distinguished of her -acquaintance--though an uglier lot of girls I never saw. But the -General was not the only person who felt himself outraged--I wish he -had been. - -"Oh!--oh!--oh! Take me out of this dreadful house before I faint!" - -That's what my wife's aunt, Mrs. Merridew, said before the whole -assemblage--and from that particular aunt my wife has always had the -most sanguine expectations. Of course, when she went on like that, my -wife began at me--there are occasions on which Louisa has no sense of -propriety, nor of justice either. - -"This is Mr. Parker's idea of a little surprise! You can always rely -on Mr. Parker doing anything to please his friends! When Mr. Parker's -in sight you never need look far for a fool!" - -That was the sort of remark she kept making--out loud; it was most -annoying. I endeavoured to calm her, and the General, and Mrs. -Merridew, and others--for I was pained to see that a general feeling -of unrest was making itself unpleasantly obvious. While I was -striving, as it were, to spread oil upon the troubled waters, the -voice of the miscreant Steingard was heard to observe: - -"I will now remove de stopper from de dird bottle. If de ladies and -gentlemen will keep deir seats dey will be de better able to -abbreciate de success of dis exberiment." - -In a moment the room was filled with a perfume--I use the word -advisedly!--of a kind which no pen could adequately describe. Never -did I come across anything of the sort before--it was astounding. -Most of the people had been standing up; there and then they most of -them sat down again--they had to. I noticed the General drop back on -to his chair with a kind of gasp. Folks looked at each other with -startled faces; they looked at me; they looked at the lecturer--that -bottle fiend; they looked about them dumbly, as if in search of -something--speech was impossible while that bottle remained -unstoppered. Their countenances were transfigured--it is really no -exaggeration to say that they turned most of the colours of the -rainbow. Some crammed their handkerchiefs into their mouths; some -pinched their nostrils between their fingers; some clapped their hands -to the pits of their stomachs. Nothing they could do was the slightest -protection against the mephitic vapours which issued from that -unstoppered bottle. It was a moving spectacle to see those people all -bent double--especially if you regarded it from the point of view of -the host, and remembered that you had invited them to an evening -party. - -At last--it seemed a long at last to me, but I suppose, after all, it -could only have been a second or two--at last those against the door -began to shuffle through it--when they were once through they never -stopped till they had rushed downstairs and were out into the street. -Others followed, a tottering crew, so that by degrees the room was -emptied, and finally--a happy finally!--my guests, my wife, and I -stood, a shivering crowd, on the windblown pavement. - -At this point the demon Steingard came out on the landing and shouted -to us, so that we heard him in the street. - -"Did I not say de dird bottle would make you ill? Very well den--is it -not true? Has it not routed you--like a flock of sheep? Just so would -it rout an army. Not all de armies of all de nations would stand -against dat bottle when it was unstobbered. Now, ladies and gentlemen, -if you will return I will bass on to a fresh branch of my subject--or, -rather, I will commence my subject brober, and I will show you dings -combared to which that bottle is as noding--noding at all. You shall -see if I am lying." - -That frightful threat finished it; settled the affair out of hand; -concluded it at once. Nothing thereafter could have persuaded my -guests to stand upon the order of their going. They went at -once--before the party had had a chance of starting. It was worse than -a catastrophe--it was a cataclysm. I can only trust that such a -disaster is unparalleled in the history of festive gatherings. I had -not the heart to attempt to stay their going. I was too demoralised, -both physically and mentally. The impression made upon me by that -third bottle was an enduring one. - -When I returned into the house the creature who was the cause of all -the trouble was still standing on the landing. He appeared unconscious -of the deeds which he had done. - -"I am waiting. Do not de ladies and gentlemen return?" - -"Mr. Steingard," I said, with as much firmness as at that moment I had -it in my power to display, "come downstairs and bring your bottles -with you." - -He seemed at a loss to understand my meaning. - -"My friend, what do you mean? My lecture is hardly begun--my lecture -brober not at all." - -"Begun!" I screamed. "Begun!--It's finished!--So's the party!" - -He actually betrayed symptoms of irritation. - -"Noding of de kind--what you know of it? I have still sixty-seven -bottles with which I wish to try my little experiments." - -That was enough for me. Still sixty-seven bottles! And, for all I -knew, or for anything I could do to prevent him, he might unstopper -them, not only one by one, but all together, and at any moment. Half a -dozen policemen were outside--they had gathered together under the -apparent impression that in my establishment a riotous assemblage was -taking place. I called three or four of them into the house. I pointed -to Mr. Steingard on the landing. - -"Put that man outside--with his bottles!" - -A painful and, I may add, an expensive scene ensued. But at last there -was an end of Steingard, and of the party. - -The next day I called on Nowell. He had returned to town. - -"Nowell," I asked, more in sorrow than in anger, "what induced you to -suppose that 'A Battlefield Up-to-Date, with Realistic Illustrations -and Experiments,' would be a suitable subject for an evening party?" - -He put his feet on the table and his hands in his pockets, and he -rattled his coppers--and he smiled. - -"Well, you see, my dear Parker, I wasn't invited. I am aware that it -was an oversight--the purest oversight. But, of course, if I had been -invited I should not have recommended Steingard's lecture." - -I was aware he had not been invited--perfectly aware. There had been -no oversight about it. The man is not a member of our social circle. -We had never meant to invite him. But to think that merely on that -account he should have played us such a trick! - -It just shows what an amount of malevolence is hidden away in the -depths of human nature. - -At the present moment I am scarcely on speaking terms with a single -one of my old friends. They all seem to think that I did it on -purpose. - - - - - Mr. Harland's Pupils - - - I. - -Mr. Harland's first pupil from America made his appearance at Mulberry -House School under rather peculiar circumstances. Mr. Harland received -one morning this tersely-worded note:-- - - - "219, Twentieth Street, New York. - -"Sir,--I have the honour to inform you that I am shipping my son, John -F. Ernest, to your academy. He will arrive per s.s. _Germanic_. I have -decided to educate him in England. Please acknowledge enclosed bank -draft, value two hundred and fifty dollars ($250), in payment of six -months' fees. Any sum in excess, to the amount of one hundred dollars -($100), will be paid, on demand, by my agents, Messrs. Rödenheim, of -London. - - "Yours faithfully, - - "J. Bindon. - -"P.S.--John F. Ernest to stay the holidays." - - -Mr. Harland received this communication by the morning post, and on -the afternoon of the same day there appeared at Mulberry House the -John F. Ernest thus alluded to. He was a slender, fair-haired boy, -about twelve or thirteen years of age. He was self-possessed enough -for thirty. He had come quite alone, he explained to the schoolmaster -and the schoolmaster's wife. Apparently he, a tender child just in his -teens, thought no more of travelling from America to England than the -lady thought of travelling from her own village to the next. It is -generally understood that at least the elementary education to be -obtained in the United States is not to be despised. When asked why -his father had sent him to England to get what he would have got -equally well at home: - -"I rather guess," replied John F. Ernest, "that my pa, he was raised -at Duddenham." - -Mulberry House School was situated on the outskirts of the delightful -village of Duddenham. Mr. and Mrs. Harland glanced at one another. It -almost seemed that it was as they feared. A J. Bindon, otherwise -"Jolly Jack," had been known at Duddenham, not wisely, nor in any way -pleasantly, but far too well. Although he had removed himself, for -the good of Duddenham, some fourteen or fifteen years before, his -memory--which had a strong savour--lingered still. However, Mr. and -Mrs. Harland allowed no hint to escape them that that J. Bindon might -be in any way connected with the father of John F. Ernest. - -The term passed away. During the holidays the Harlands went to enjoy -the ozone-laden breezes at Bielsham-by-the-Sea. While they were -staying there Mr. Harland received a second letter from America, a -communication which was, in some respects, a colourable imitation of -the first. - - - "219, Twentieth Street, New York. - -"Sir,--I have the honour to inform you that I am shipping my son, John -F. Stanley, to your academy. He will arrive per s.s. _Aurania_. I have -decided to educate him in England. Please acknowledge enclosed bank -draft for two hundred and fifty dollars ($250) in payment of six -months' fees. Any sum in excess, to the amount of one hundred dollars -($100), will be paid, on demand, by my agents, Messrs. Rödenheim, of -London. - - "Yours faithfully, - - "J. Bindon. - -"P.S.--You will also receive, per same ship, my son, John R. Stephen. -Enclosed find second draft ($250). For balance, apply Messrs. -Rödenheim." - - -"Mr. Bindon," observed Mr. Harland when he had finished reading this -epistle, "appears to be rather a curious man." - -"What is the matter?" inquired his wife. "Is he going to withdraw that -son of his?" - -"Not exactly. He has 'shipped'--the word is his own--two more. The -second, who is 'shipped' in a postscript, is, apparently, a sort of -afterthought." - -When the lady and gentleman returned to Mulberry House the new-comers -had arrived. The three Masters Bindon were interviewed together. One -thing about them was noticeable--that they were all about the same -age. - -"How old are you?" asked the lady, addressing one of the strangers. - -"Twelve." - -"And you?" - -"I'm twelve." - -"Then," said the lady, "I suppose you are twins." - -They did not look as though they were twins. One was big, and black, -and bony; the other was short, and fat, and red. Still, as they both -were twelve, and they were brothers-- - -"Twins?" said the red-haired lad. "I'm no twin. He's not my brother." -He turned upon the two other Masters Bindon with scorn in his eyes. -"They're neither of them my brothers. I disown them." - -"John R. Stephen," remarked John F. Ernest, slipping his hand into -that of the black-haired Master Bindon, "is my brother. John F. -Stanley has disowned us from the first." - -"Yes," said Rufus, "and I'll disown you to the last." - -"You wait," observed the black-haired Master Bindon, whose claim to -fraternity was thus denied, "till we get outside. I'll rub you down -with a rail." - -"I hope," said Mrs. Harland, when the Masters Bindon had withdrawn, "I -do hope, Andrew, that there is nothing wrong." - -"Pooh!" replied her husband. But when he was alone he rubbed his chin -and murmured _sotto voce_, "It strikes me that there's not much -difference between J. Bindon and 'Jolly Jack.'" - -He thought that there might be even less than he had imagined when one -day, before the term was half-way through, he received a cablegram -from New York: - - -"Son coming _Batavia_, Forgot to write. Draw Rödenheim. BINDON." - -The son came. He proved to be John G. William. He, too, had just -turned twelve. He did not seem pleased to see his brothers. Nor, to -tell the truth, did they appear overjoyed at sight of him. He was a -lad with a round bullet-shaped head, and was extraordinarily broad -across the shoulders. He had not been twenty-four hours in the house -before he had fought and thrashed the three other Masters Bindon. It -was not surprising, when it was seen how he had damaged them, that his -relatives, knowing his tastes and his capacity, had not welcomed him -with open arms. - -At tea Mrs. Harland, who had observant eyes, noticed that John F. -Ernest was minus one of his front teeth. She inquired how he had lost -it. - -"John G. William, ma'am, has knocked it out." - -"John G. William! Do you mean your brother who arrived to-day?" - -John F. Ernest explained that he did. - -Mrs. Harland, looking down the table, observed another Master Bindon -whose eye looked queer. "How, my boy, did you manage to get that black -eye?" - -"John G. William," replied the black-haired--and black-eyed--youth. - -"John G. William!" The lady, still allowing her glances to wander, -lighted on a third Master Bindon, whose face was so dreadfully -disfigured that it really made recognition difficult. "Good gracious!" -she exclaimed. "What has happened to the child?" - -This Master Bindon was the red-haired youth. He looked at the lady as -well as the damaged state of his "optics" would permit. He uttered the -ubiquitous name, "John G. William." Then he added, "He's been fighting -us. And, d----n him! he always is." - -John G. William volunteered a statement on his own account. - -"I told father I should lick 'em. He said he shouldn't be surprised -but what they wanted it, and so I might." - -It seemed curious for a father to give his son permission to "lick" -his brothers, whom he was travelling 4000 miles to meet. Such conduct -on the part of a father was scarcely in accordance with the traditions -of Mulberry House. But the behaviour of the Masters Bindon one towards -the other, not only now and then but as an invariable rule, was in -itself a curiosity. - -"Those Bindons," Mr. Harland told himself, some short time after the -arrival of the latest comer, "are certainly the most remarkable boys I -ever remember to have met, especially John G. William." - -But Mr. Harland had not become acquainted with all the peculiarities -of the Bindon family yet. - -One morning, perhaps six weeks after the advent of John G. William, -Mr. Harland, coming in to breakfast, noticed, seated at table with his -pupils, a boy who was to him a stranger. On that occasion Mr. Harland -happened to be a couple of minutes late. The meal had been begun -before he entered the room. As he came in, seated at the other side of -the table, facing him, placidly eating his bread and butter, was this -boy. He was a very thin boy, with high projecting cheek-bones and -light hair, cut very close. He wore a pair of spectacles, or rather, -they would have been a pair if one of the glasses had not happened to -be broken. Altogether there was something about him which suggested -that he had quite recently been engaged in a discussion of an animated -character. - -"Hollo!" cried Mr. Harland. "Who are you?" - -"I am John P. Arthur Bindon." - -His accent was nasal, undoubtedly the product of the land of the stars -and stripes. - -"Who?" repeated Mr. Harland, seeming a little puzzled. - -"John P. Arthur Bindon." The boy took off his spectacles. "John G. -William's broken one of my glasses. He's been licking me." - -Mr. Harland looked about him, plainly at a loss. Mr. Moore, the usher, -took his glance as containing an inquiry. - -"I found him with the rest of the pupils in the playground." - -"Oh," repeated Mr. Harland, "you found him with the rest of the pupils -in the playground." - -"I rather reckoned to find the others here," drawled the short-sighted -youth, as, very carefully, he replaced the broken spectacles upon his -nose. "We didn't agree. I guess they're on the road." - -"Is this"--Mr. Harland addressed his question to one of the other -Masters Bindon--"is this your brother?" - -"I disown him," answered Rufus, on whom the principal's glance -happened to fall. "I disown 'em all." - -"He is my brother," struck in the shrill piping treble of John F. -Ernest, "though he is the meanest-minded boy that ever put on shoes." - -"I am not ashamed to admit," remarked John P. Arthur, still adjusting -his broken spectacles, "that I appreciate the value of money. I have -walked from Liverpool to save the charges." - -"You have walked from Liverpool?" - -"I understand it is a distance in the neighbourhood of one hundred and -fifty miles. I have worn out a pair of boots. Still, I reckon I have -saved better than half a dollar, net." - -Mr. Harland took John P. Arthur up into his study. There the young -gentleman explained. - -"There was another row, so father decided to ship off three more of -us. I rather think he must have forgotten to write, owing to the -pressure of his business." - -"Does your father keep an orphanage?" - -John P. Arthur stared. "I never heard of it." - -"Did you say he had shipped off three more of you? May I ask, then, -where are the other two?" - -"I left them at Liverpool. We didn't agree. I should calculate they're -gone upon the burst. We each had twenty-five dollars and our fares." -John P. Arthur slapped the inner pocket of his coat. "I've still got -my twenty-five, besides half a dollar saved out of my fare." - -"May I ask the names of your two missing brothers?" - -"One is John A. Francis, and the other--I forget the other's name." - -It was Mr. Harland's turn to stare. - -"You forget your brother's name?" - -"There are such a lot of them that one gets mixed." - -"I quite concede that there do appear to be a lot of them, and that -one may get mixed, but still--your brother's name! May I ask the ages -of the young gentlemen whom you presume have gone upon the burst? -About your own?" - -"I should say John A. Francis is younger than me. I fought him three -times as we were crossing. I licked each time. He must be younger." - -"And the young gentleman whose name you don't happen to remember?" - -"He's older. He bangs me easy. Just picks me up and knocks me down. I -reckon John G. William will find him pretty tough." - -While Mr. Harland had been talking to John P. Arthur he had been -paying no attention to his letters. When he turned to them he found -that among them there were two which threw some light upon the -proceedings of the missing Masters Bindon. Here is the first: - - - "The Barracks, Liverpool. - -"Sir,--At our Holiness Meeting on Tuesday--Alleluia!--there came in a -new recruit. He gave his name as Thompson Symes, and said that he was -seventeen. He now says that his name is John A. Francis Bindon, and -that his age is twelve. He originally stated that he was a pickpocket, -and had been nine times in jail. He now says that he has never been in -jail, but that he has been sent by his father in America to be a pupil -in your school. We shall be obliged if you will inform us if you know -anything of a boy named John A. Francis Bindon. We fear that his -present statement is as false as the others he has made. Alleluia!--G. -Smith, _Major_." - - -Here is the second: - - - "Office Of The Society For The - Reclamation Of Juvenile Beggars, - - "Liverpool. - -"Sir,--A boy who was charged this afternoon at the Liverpool Police -Court with the offence of begging tells a somewhat remarkable story. -He has been remanded to the workhouse for a week to enable us to -inquire into the truth of what he says. - -"He is four feet seven inches in height, dark hair, pale face, and he -has a deep scar upon his left cheek. Speaks with a decided American -accent. - -"He states that his name is John B. David Bindon, that he left New -York on board the steamship _Ocean Star_, in company with his two -brothers. The names of these two brothers he declares that he forgets, -alleging that he has so many brothers that he cannot remember all -their names. He says that they were coming from New York to be pupils -in your school. On board ship they disagreed, and at Liverpool they -parted. He does not know what became of his two brothers. He says that -he himself had twenty-five dollars in his pockets in American -currency. Part of this he spent upon confectionery and sweets, until -he made some acquaintances in the street, who took him to what appears -to have been a disreputable house. There they robbed him, not only of -his money, but also of his clothes. They kept him, so he states, -locked up for three days, only releasing him on his promising to -appeal for alms, and on his undertaking to bring back the proceeds of -his appeal. No sooner, according to his statement, did he commence to -beg than he was given into custody. - -"If you know anything, whether for good or ill, of a boy named John B. -David Bindon, I should be obliged by your communicating at once with -me at these offices. I have had much experience in these cases, and I -think myself that the boy's story, strange though it seems, contains -at least some portion of truth. Awaiting your early favour, - - "I am, Sir, your obedient servant, - - "Edward Everest, _Secretary_." - - -When Mr. Harland showed these letters to his wife, and told her John -P. Arthur's story, the lady was, not unnaturally, surprised. - -"Andrew, I am sure there is something wrong about those Bindons! There -will be a scandal if you don't take care! I never heard of such a -thing! Don't tell me that any man can have seven sons, all of an age! -It's incredible on the face of the thing!" - -Mr. Harland communicated with Mr. Smith and Mr. Everest. The two -missing Masters Bindon appeared at Duddenham. They were given into the -charge of the guard at Liverpool; the schoolmaster himself met them at -the village station. - -"Them boys," observed the guard, as he handed over his charges to the -principal of Mulberry House, "them boys is nice ones." - -Ten minutes after their appearance in the playground John G. William -was having it out with John B. David. - -"Andrew," called Mrs. Harland from an upper room, "those Bindons are -fighting again." - -"I see they are." - -As a matter of fact the uproar had attracted her husband to his study -window. - -"They are an interesting family." - -He stood at the window for a second or two observing the fray. - -"I fancy that in John B. David John G. William has met his match. It -is perhaps as well that he should." - -He was aware, from previous experience, that if he interfered in one -of the family discussions it would only be renewed at the earliest -opportunity. As he was wondering whether it would not be as well to -let them fight it out and have done with it, at any rate for the time, -a servant entered the room with a letter in her hand. The principal -opened it. It was a cablegram: - - -"Forgot to advise last shipment. Three. Draw Rödenheim.--Bindon." - - -"'What sort of a family can that be," inquired the schoolmaster of -himself, "which is so large that the father overlooks such a trifling -detail as the sending of three of his sons, all of tender years, -unescorted, across the Atlantic Ocean? And when, a month after their -departure, the incident does occur to his mind, he contents himself -with sending nine words--and nine such words--in a telegram. I think I -will go up in person to Messrs. Rödenheim, and make a few inquiries." - -He made them, but he received little information in return. Messrs. -Rödenheim received him with courtesy. They informed him that, up to a -certain amount, they were instructed to honour his calls; that Mr. -Bindon was a client of theirs, financially, of the highest standing. -But as to his family affairs: they were simply bankers, and as such -Mr. Harland could not suppose that they concerned themselves with the -family affairs of their customers. - -"One thing seems pretty clear," said Mr. Harland to his wife, when he -returned to Mulberry House. "There appears, in the case of the -prolific parent of the Bindons, to be plenty of money, and that is -more than can be said in the case of the parents of all my boys. I -don't see myself, Maria, why I should object to there being seven, or -even seventy brothers in a family, especially if the father of the -seventy is a good paymaster, and all the seventy come to me." - -"Of course there's that to be said." - -"There's very much that to be said. The terms in my prospectus are -thirty guineas per annum for boys of twelve, a reduction to be made -for brothers. I have to make a reduction sometimes when there are no -brothers. In this case there are actually _seven_ brothers, and, -instead of being called upon to make a reduction--some fathers would -want you to take the seven as though they were four!--I receive one -hundred pounds a year with each, besides extras." - -Mr. Harland smiled as he thought of the sum which he had drawn that -day from Messrs. Rödenheim. - -"No doubt that's nice enough." - -"I don't know if you're aware that I receive more from those seven -Bindons than from all the rest of my pupils put together. Under those -circumstances I don't see how it concerns me if their father has a -peculiar habit of shipping his offspring as though they were barrels -of pork, and then forgetting to 'advise' me, as he calls it, of his -'shipments'!" - -"But will it last?" - -"Will what last? The Bindons? Are you afraid that John G. William will -knock the rest of the family all to pieces? I don't think there is -much fear of that now that John B. David has appeared upon the scene. -It strikes me from what I have heard and seen that he will perform -upon John G. William. I noticed at tea that John G. William's -countenance seemed to be a little the worse for wear." - -"But suppose tales got about, and the parents of the other boys -objected to the presence of the Bindons--they certainly are the most -remarkable children, for brothers too, I ever saw--and the other boys -were taken away, and then the Bindons went, the school would have lost -its character." - -Mr. Harland reflected for a moment. - -"I think I'll take the risk, Maria. So far as I am myself concerned I -only hope that Mr. Bindon may 'ship' another seven." - -The wish was father to the thought. Mr. Bindon shipped them. Not a -fortnight after that discussion Mr. Harland had this letter: - - - "219, Twentieth Street, New York. - -"Sir,--I am shipping, per s.s. _City of Thay_, an assorted lot of five -sons. My final selection not being yet made I am unable to advise you -as to their names. For fees please draw, on their arrival, on Messrs. -Rödenheim. - - "Yours faithfully, - - "J. Bindon. - -"P.S.--Probably the lot may consist of seven." - - -"Maria," said Mr. Harland, when he handed this epistle to his wife, -"Mr. Bindon is a truly remarkable man." - -The lady read the letter. - -"Andrew, what does he mean? 'An assorted lot of five sons. Probably -the lot may consist of seven.' I take my stand, Andrew, and I -insist upon an explanation. I will not have this man shooting his -children--or what he calls his children--into my house as though they -were coals. Seven sons all of an age were hard to swallow, but at -fourteen I draw the line." - -"You're not a philosopher, Maria. At the rate of a hundred pounds a -head I shouldn't draw the line at forty." - -"Andrew, don't talk to me like that. Who is this man? And what is the -mystery connected with his children? Did I tell you that the other -morning I asked John P. Arthur how many brothers he had, and he said -that he didn't know, there were always such a lot of fresh ones -turning up?" - -Mr. Harland rubbed his chin. - -"I don't know, Maria, what difference it makes to us whether the boys -we receive as pupils are the sons of Brown or Jones. It is not as -though we went in for anything special in the way of birth and family. -It isn't even as though we confined ourselves to the sons of so-called -gentlemen. Mine is a middle-class school. In these days of competition -with the Board Schools one cannot choose one's pupils. I always -welcome the sons of tradesmen, and I am quite sure I shall be always -glad to receive any number of pupils at a hundred pounds a head, no -matter who they are." - -Probably, on reflection, Mrs. Harland fell into her husband's views. -At dinner the principal of Mulberry House School made an announcement -which, while it was of an interesting, was, at the same time, of a -curious kind. It was when the pudding had been served. - -"Boys, you will be glad to hear that I expect to receive, either -to-day or to-morrow, five new pupils, and probably seven, but of the -seven I am not quite sure. This piece of news should be specially -interesting to the Masters Bindon, since the new pupils are their -brothers." The headmaster's words were received with silence--possibly -the silence of surprise. "I don't think that there is any other school -in Europe which can claim to have had under its roof, at one and the -same time, twelve brothers, and perhaps fourteen." - -Up spake Rufus--John F. Stanley: - -"I disown 'em," he observed; "I disown 'em all." - -Mr. Harland smiled. - -"But it does not follow because you disown them--which I am sorry to -hear, because perhaps one of these days they may turn the tables and -disown you--that therefore they are not your brothers." - -"But they're not my brothers, not one of all the lot of them. I'm the -only son." - -"Yes," said Mr. Harland with gentle sarcasm, as his eyes, wandering -round the table, rested on the other six; "I should say you were the -only son." - -Two days passed. There were still no signs of the latest "shipment." -On previous occasions the Masters Bindon had appeared at Mulberry -House within a few hours of the receipt of the "advice." - -"I hope," suggested the principal to his wife when, on the evening of -the second day, there was still no news, "that this is not another -case of 'going on the burst.'" - -On the afternoon of the following day Mrs. Harland was working in her -own apartment, when the servant came rushing in. There was in the -maid's bearing a suggestion of suppressed excitement. - -"If you please, ma'am, there are a lot of little girls downstairs." - -"A lot of little girls! What do they want?" - -"If you please, ma'am, I don't know. I think they're foreigners. They -say they've come to school." - -The servant giggled. Mrs. Harland rose. - -"Come to school! There must be some mistake. Where are they?" - -"They're in the hall. And if you please, ma'am, there are three flies -full of luggage." - -Mrs. Harland went downstairs. A crowd of small girls were grouped -together in the hall, varying in ages perhaps from six to fourteen. - -The lady addressed herself to the largest. - -"What is it you want?" - -"We've come to school." - -Mrs. Harland smiled. - -"But this is a school for young gentlemen. No doubt you are looking -for Miss Simpson's, Burlington House Academy. The flyman ought to have -known." - -"He said Mulberry House. He wrote it down." - -The young lady held a piece of paper. She handed it to Mrs. Harland. -On it were some words, inscribed in a handwriting which was becoming -almost too familiar. At sight of it the lady felt an inward qualm. - -"What is your name?" - -"Clara Mary Dixon." - -Unconsciously the lady gave a sigh of relief. It was not the name -which she had dreaded. - -"I'm sure there's some mistake." - -"There's no mistake." Suddenly the young lady put her handkerchief up -to her eyes. Immediately all the other young ladies followed suit. -"You're trying to play it off on us. He wrote it down himself, he did. -We never thought he was going to ship us off to Europe just 'cause -he'd married ma." - -The young ladies' voices' were raised in lamentation. The servants -stood giggling by. The flymen grinned upon the doorstep. Mrs. Harland -deemed it inadvisable to continue the interview in public. - -"Come this way." She led the way into the drawing-room. The weeping -maidens followed. "Pray don't cry. The mistake, however it may have -arisen, will soon be cleared up. Now tell me, where do you come from?" - -"New--York--City!" - -Mrs. Harland, when she received that answer, was conscious of another -inward qualm. - -"Who sent you to England?" - -"Mr.--Bindon." - -The lady sat down on a chair. She stared in speechless silence at the -new arrivals. Then, rising, she rang the bell. The servant appeared. - -"Tell your master I wish to speak to him in the drawing-room." - -Scarcely had the housemaid turned her back than there came a loud -ringing at the front-door bell. Another servant entered--the cook--in -her hand a cablegram. Mrs. Harland was conscious that the envelope was -addressed to Mr. Harland. As a rule enclosures addressed to him she -held inviolate, but on this occasion she broke the rule. She tore the -envelope open with a hand which slightly trembled. With her eyes she -devoured the words which were written on the sheet of paper it had -contained: - - -"Girls shipped by mistake. Boys following.--Bindon." - - -Those were the words which had been flashed across the seas. She read -them over and over again. It seemed as though she could not grasp -their meaning. She still held the telegram extended in her hand when -her husband entered the room. That gentleman paused upon the -threshold. Retaining the handle of the door in his hand, he appeared -to be making an effort to comprehend the meaning of the scene within. - -"What is it you want, Maria?" - -"I--I want nothing." The lady put her hand to her brow with a gesture -which was almost tragic. "This is Mr. Bindon's latest shipment." - -She stretched out her hands towards the strangers in a manner which -really was dramatic. The girls had dried their eyes to enable them, -perhaps, to study Mr. Harland to better advantage. They stood in a -row, the tallest at one end and the shortest at the other. The line of -height descended in an agreeably graduated scale. Mr. Harland stared -at the girls. Then he stared at his wife. "I don't understand," he -said. - -"Read that!" - -The lady thrust the cablegram into his hand. He read it. He read it -once, he read it twice, he read it even thrice. Then crumpling it up -he thrust both hands into his trouser pockets and he whistled. - -"This is a pleasant state of things," he said. - -"Is that all you have to say?" inquired his wife. - -"Well, my dear, I may have a little more to say if you will give me a -little time to reflect upon the situation. It is a situation which -requires reflection." He stared at the row of girls in front of him. -He reflected. "This is a truly pleasant state of things. Your father, -young ladies----" - -"He is not our father," interposed the tallest of the row, Clara Mary. - -"Not your father? Mr. Bindon is not your father?" Mr. Harland referred -to the crumpled cablegram. "I am afraid that again I do not -understand." - -"We're the Miss Dixons. Ma's a widow. Mr. Bindon shipped us off to -Europe the very day he married her. We never knew that we were going -till just before we started, and I don't believe Ma knew it either." - -Again the handkerchiefs were raised in a simultaneous row to tearful -eyes. - -"J. Bindon," murmured Mr. Harland, "_must_ be Jolly Jack. You will be -pleased to learn, young ladies," he added in a louder key, "that you -have been shipped to Europe by mistake. I don't at this moment -understand altogether how the mistake arose. There are eight of you--I -perceive that there are eight--and one would think that a mistake to -that extent would be one which it would be rather difficult to make. -Still, you will be gratified to learn, it has been made. Mr. Bindon -has telegraphed to tell me so. We expected a shipment to consist of an -assorted lot of sons, possibly five--possibly seven. I am informed in -the telegram that that shipment is following. But whether we are to -return at once the shipment which consists of you, or whether, so to -speak, we are to give it warehouse room, there are no instructions yet -to hand." - -The row of girls stared at Mr. Harland, dry-eyed and open-mouthed. - -He spoke in a tongue which was strange to them. - -"Andrew," cried his wife, "I am ashamed of you! How can you talk like -that!" - -Mr. Harland continued, almost as if he were speaking to himself. "It -occurs to me that I have read somewhere, it was perhaps in some old -book, that in American schools they run--I believe the term is a -correct one--the boys and girls together. I hope Mr. Bindon is not -under the impression that such a system obtains in Duddenham." - -"Andrew, it is shocking! Upon my word, I feel inclined to cry." - -"Do not cry, Maria; do not cry. Suppose, instead of crying, you come -with me to the study, and let me say a word to you alone." - -"Andrew," cried the lady, as she closed the study door, "I really am -ashamed of you. How can you say such things--a man in your position?" - -"A man in my position, Maria, is justified in saying anything, even -damn. It is because my tongue inclines to adjectives, strong and pithy -adjectives, that I endeavour to let off the steam in another way." - -"What are you going to do with those poor girls?" - -"What are you going to do, Maria? Girls are more in your line than -mine." - -"I believe he's done it on purpose, that Bindon man. I don't believe -it's possible to make such a mistake; shipping girls in mistake for -boys, indeed!" - -"Not in the case of an ordinary family, Maria. But it is not an -ordinary family, Mr. Bindon's." There was a pause. The lady walked -excitedly up and down the room. The gentleman sat back in an -arm-chair, his hands in his trouser pockets, his legs stretched out in -front of him. "You will have to provide them with bed and with board, -Maria, till we have turned the matter over in our minds, or till we -have heard further from Mr. Bindon." - -They had to. - -They provided the young ladies with bed and board. - -"As," remarked Mr. Harland, when the days went by, and there still -came no further instructions from America, "these young ladies bid -fair to remain with us an indefinite length of time, I think, in order -to do something which will entitle me to the proper fees, I will lay -on something in the shape of a daily governess. They shall receive -their education in the parlour. If Mr. Bindon could only see his way -to making a few more errors in the 'shipment' line I might, on my -part, see my way to running a school for young ladies in connection -with my establishment for boys." - -The eight Misses Dixon arrived on a Tuesday. Nothing--that is, nothing -unusual--happened during the whole of the ensuing week. But on the -Wednesday week, eight days after their arrival, an incident, slightly -out of the common way, did vary the monotony. A fly drove up to -Mulberry House, and in it, on the back seat, sat a solitary boy. Mr. -Harland happened to be leaving the house just as the fly drove up. He -eyed the boy, the boy eyed him. The flyman touched his hat. - -"If you please, sir, seems as how this here boy's for you. Leastways, -it says so on his ticket." Turning round on his box the driver -addressed his fare. "This here's the schoolmaster, and this here's -Mulberry House." - -The boy opened his mouth. Sounds issued forth. But they were sounds -without form, and void. He appeared, judging from the grimaces he was -making, to be suffering from an attack of facial convulsion. The -flyman descended from his box. - -"Seems, sir, as how this here boy's got a stutter. It is a stutter -too. I never see nothing like it. They've been and stuck a lot of -tickets all over him, so that people might know where he was going to. -He'd never have made them understand." - -When the boy came out of the fly Mr. Harland perceived that what the -coachman said was correct. A square, white card was sewed on his coat, -another on his waistcoat, and a third in a most prominent situation on -his breeches. The writing on this latter, by dint of constant -friction, had become so worn as to be unintelligible. On the other two -was written, in a bold round hand, so that he that ran might read: - - - "Frank J. Samuel Bindon, - Mulberry House School, Duddenham, England. - Note.--This Boy Stutters." - - -"I suppose," said Mr. Harland, as he eyed the youth, "that you are one -of the assorted lot." - -The boy opened his mouth. - -"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b--" - -"I wouldn't speak to him much if I was you, sir," said the flyman. -"Every time he opens his mouth I expect to see him have a fit. I've -seen some stutters, but I never see one which came within a hundred -mile of his." - -"I think," said Mr. Harland, when he introduced Frank J. Samuel Bindon -to his wife, "that I begin to understand what Mr. Bindon meant when he -wrote that he was shipping an assorted lot of sons. In his family he -appears to have samples of every kind." - -"Hollo!" cried John F. Ernest, as Frank J. Samuel put in an appearance -in the playground, "here's Stammering Sam!" - -"Maria," said Mr. Harland, about an hour later, to his wife, -"Stammering Sam can fight. He has polished off John G. William. He is -taking on John B. David for a change. What an interesting family those -Bindons are." - -On the Friday the fly which had conveyed Stammering Sam again drove up -to the doors of Mulberry House. The same flyman was on the box. - -"Sarah," he observed to the servant who opened the door, "I've been -bringing you a queer lot of young gentlemen of late. Wednesday I -brought you up one with a stutter, now I've brought you one what's -only got one leg, and another what's only got one arm. You'll soon be -able to keep a museum of living curiosities." - -As he was speaking the flyman stood at the door of his fly, his back -turned to his fares. Suddenly the servant gave an exclamation. - -"Look out, Mr. Stubbs," she cried. - -The flyman moved aside, just in time to avoid the full force of a -blow, which although it missed his head, at which it was aimed, and -only shaved his shoulder, made him roar with pain. A boy, one of the -fares, was standing up in the fly, grasping, with both his hands, a -curious weapon of offence--a wooden leg. - -"You young murdering villain!" shouted the flyman, clapping his hand -to his injured shoulder. "I've half a mind to break every bone in your -body." - -"I would if I were you," retorted the lad "Try it on. You've been -saucing me all the way. I may only have one leg, but yours wouldn't be -the first head which I've splintered with a wooden one. Then _you'd_ -be a living curiosity, I guess." - -This young gentleman entered Mulberry House hopping upon one leg. The -wooden limb he carried in his hands. After him followed a second young -gentleman, who, since one of his sleeves was pinned up to his coat, -was apparently possessed of but a single arm. - -"There's a armless young gentleman in the drawing-room," announced -Sarah to her master, "and another what's got his leg tucked under his -arm." - -The announcement did not appear to take the principal of Mulberry -House by surprise. - -"Further samples of the assorted lot," he murmured. - -He was right. The strangers were two more examples of the fecundity -and the versatility of Mr. Bindon. The young gentleman with "his leg -tucked under his arm" declared his name to be Oscar J. Oswald Bindon. -The young gentleman with only one arm under which a leg could possibly -be "tucked" was another John T. Jasper Bindon. - -"I understood from your father," said Mr. Harland, "that this lot -would consist of five, or possibly seven. May I ask if there are any -more of you to follow? This dropping in unexpectedly, by ones and -twos, Mrs. Harland and I find a little inconvenient." - -"There's two more coming. But we wouldn't have anything to do with -them because they stutter." - -This repudiation comes from Oscar J. Oswald. As he spoke he was -fastening on his wooden leg. - -Two or three hours afterwards the fly--the same fly--drove up again to -Mulberry House. The same flyman was on the box. - -"Sarah," he whispered from behind his hand, probably taught prudence -by experience, "here's two more stutters." - - - II. - -Mrs. Harland was superintending the putting out of the "clean things." -It was Saturday. On Sundays, at Mulberry House, all the pupils -"changed." - -"If you please, ma'am, there's a person in the drawing-room who says -she's Mrs. Bindon." - -"Mrs. Bindon!" Mrs. Harland was lifting a pile of clean linen. It fell -from her hands. Day-shirts and night-shirts were scattered on the -floor. The lady eyed the maid standing in the doorway as though she -were some creature of strange and fearful import. "Whom did she ask to -see?" - -"She asked to see the schoolmaster." - -"The schoolmaster?" - -Mrs. Harland pursed her lips. - -"Yes, ma'am. She didn't mention any name. And master's out." - -The lady, to the best of her ability, supplied her husband's place. -She interviewed the visitor. As she laid her hand on the handle of the -drawing-room door her attentive ear detected a curious sound within. - -"I do believe the woman's crying." - -She turned the handle. She entered the room. A woman was seated on the -extreme edge of a chair. She was indulging in a series of audible -sniffs. In the palm of her hand, compressed into a knot which had -something of the consistency of a cricket ball, was her handkerchief. -This she bobbed first at one eye, then at the other. When Mrs. Harland -appeared she rose to her feet. The lady stared at her as if she were a -spectre. - -"Jane Cooper!" she exclaimed. - -"Yes, ma'am." - -The woman dropped a curtsey. - -"You brazen hussey! How dare you come into my house!" - -"If you please, ma'am, I'm come after that boy of mine." - -She was a nervous, shrinking, little woman. She had fair hair and a -washed-out complexion. Her pale blue eyes were blurred with weeping. -She looked as though she had been crying for years. She wore a black -silk dress, which was of primitive make, and the seams of which were -slightly rusty. Her hands, which were gloveless, were large and red. -Her shapeless bonnet had strayed on to the side of her head. -Altogether she looked draggled and woebegone. - -"You've come after that boy of yours! What do you mean?" - -"My Neddy, ma'am." - -Mrs. Harland gave an indignant twitch to her skimpy skirts. She moved -across the room in the direction of the bell. The woman, perceiving -her intention, gave an appealing cry. - -"Don't be hard upon me. I've come all the way from America to see my -Neddy, ma'am." - -Mrs. Harland hesitated, her hand upon the bell-rope. This woman, when -a child, had been her own pupil in the Sunday-school. Later she had -been her servant. While in her service she had "gone wrong." The same -day on which she had been turned adrift she had disappeared from -Duddenham. Her former mistress had heard nothing of her from that hour -unto the present one. - -"Jane Cooper, my servant told me that you gave your name as Mrs. -Bindon. Are you Mrs. Bindon? Is that true?" - -"It's gospel truth." - -"Then"--Mrs. Harland released her hold of the bell-rope--"it _was_ -Jolly Jack." - -"That it was." - -Mrs. Harland moved a step nearer to the woman. - -"Do you mean to tell me that all those boys are yours?" - -"No, ma'am, only Neddy. His father had him called Edward J. Phillip, -but he's always been Neddy to me. The rest are Mr. Bindon's." - -"The rest are Mr. Bindon's! Jane! what do you mean?" - -There was a ring, a good loud ring, at the front door bell. The woman -clasped her hands. - -"There's the rest of them," she cried. "Oh, don't let them come in -here." - -"The rest of them?" - -"The other Mrs. Bindons." - -Mrs. Harland clutched at the back of a chair. - -"The other Mrs. Bindons?" - -"They're always going on at me, and making fun of me, and pinching me. -Oh! don't let them come in here." - -The little woman's distress appeared to be genuine. She wrung her -hands. Her tears fell unheeded to the floor. Mrs. Harland gazed at her -both open-mouthed and open-eyed. Before she had recovered her presence -of mind sufficiently to enable her to understand the cause of her -visitor's emotion the door opened, and there entered unannounced--a -magnificent woman! She was very tall, and very stately, and very fat. -She weighed seventeen stone if she weighed an ounce. Her costume was -very different to that of the dowdy Jane. She was attired from head to -foot in red. She had on a red stuff dress with a train. A scarlet -mantle accentuated with its splendours the upper portion of her -person. She wore a red hat, adorned with a red feather. And her -face--as far as hue was concerned, her face matched her attire. She -surveyed Mrs. Harland through a pair of _pince-nez_. "Mrs. Harland! So -it is! How delightful! I should have known you anywhere--you haven't -altered hardly a bit." - -The lady, her hand stretched out, advanced in the most condescending -fashion. Mrs. Harland shrank away. - -"Louisa Brown!" she cried. - -"Louisa Brown--that was; Mrs. Bindon--that is! Let me give you my -card. I had some printed just before I came away." - -After some fumbling the lady produced from her pocket a gorgeous -mother-of-pearl card-case. Out of it she took a piece of pasteboard, -resplendent in all the colours of the rainbow, about four inches -square. This she offered Mrs. Harland. That lady declined it with a -gesture. - -"Won't you have it? Well, I'll put it on the mantelpiece; it'll be -just the same. Dear old-fashioned mantelpieces! We don't have them out -our way--we're in advance, you know--but I remember them so well." - -The lady suited the action to the word. She placed the piece of -cardboard on the mantelpiece in the most conspicuous place, on top of -the clock. Apparently unconscious that in Mrs. Harland's demeanour -there was anything peculiar, she carefully selected the largest -armchair the room contained. In it she placed her ample person. As she -arranged her skirts she remarked: - -"I've come all this way to see them boys of mine. The dear lads! How -are they? I hope you haven't made them _too_ English. A little English -I don't mind, being English as it were myself; but too much English I -can't abide." - -"You--impudent--creature!" - -The lady put up her _pince-nez_. - -"My stars! Here's goings on! May I ask if that remark was addressed to -me?" - -"I never heard of such impudence in my life." - -"Nor me. But some people have manners of their own. Is that the way in -which to treat a lady who comes to visit you--standing there and -staring?" - -"A lady!" Mrs. Harland gasped. "Do you think I don't remember you?" - -Mrs. Harland's form absolutely swelled as she glared at the big woman -seated in the easy-chair. - -"You, Louisa Brown, whose name is to this day a byword in the village, -to dare to come into my drawing-room--and in those clothes!" - -The big woman was not taken at all aback. - -"What is the matter with my clothes?" she asked. - -"You, whom your own father turned into the streets, to dare to place -yourself upon an equality with me!" - -The big woman turned with an affable smile to the little one, who -stood trembling and sniffing in the centre of the room. - -"Queer old-fashioned folk they are this side. Now, to my thinking, one -lady oughtn't to remind another lady of things she wishes to be -forgotten." - -The little woman bobbed her knotted handkerchief into her eyes. - -"Oh, Louisa, how can you now!" - -Mrs. Harland raised her arm, semaphore fashion. - -"Leave the room!" she said. - -The big woman settled herself more comfortably in the easy-chair. - -"Not me. Not unless I take my sons along with me. You have received -their father's money, which is mine; if you receive my money you'll -receive me too--we go together." - -"_I_ have received your money--yours! Who are you?" - -"There's my card." The big woman waved her hand in the direction of -the mantelshelf. "I've another in my pocket, and I've told you who I -am besides; but, to oblige you, I don't mind telling you who I am -again. I'm Mrs. Bindon." - -Mrs. Harland turned upon the little woman. There was frenzy in her -air. - -"Then who are you?" - -Said the little woman, between her sniffs: - -"I am Mrs. Bindon too." - -"You are Mrs. Bindon too! Is the man a bigamist?" - -The big woman smiled. - -"There is no bigamy in Utah." - -"Utah!" Mrs. Harland staggered back. "Utah!" She looked wildly round -the room. "Isn't Utah where the Mormons are?" - -The big woman, taking out a large white handkerchief, proceeded, at -one and the same time, to fan herself, and to diffuse a strong odour -of patchouli. - -"Utah is, upon earth, the abiding place of the saints," she said. - -Mrs. Harland echoed her words. - -"The abiding place of the saints." - -A vehicle was approaching the house. It could be seen through the -window. - -"I think," observed the big woman, as she raised her _pince-nez_, -"that here are some of the other Mrs. Bindons." - -Rising from her seat she opened the drawing-room door. - -"Come in, my dears," she said, addressing some person or persons -without; "I am here, and Mrs. Jane." - -As she held the door wide open a procession began to enter the room--a -procession of women. They were of all styles and shapes and sizes. -There were fat and there were thin. They were attired in all the -colours of the rainbow. Mrs. Harland, who began to think that her -senses must be leaving her, distinctly counted seven. The seven, with -the two already arrived, made nine--nine Mrs. Bindons. How the seven -had journeyed in a single fly is one of the mysteries which are not -yet unfolded. The big woman acted as mistress of the ceremonies. - -"Sit down, my dears, there are seats for you all. I am sure you will -excuse a little crowding." - -"Where's the teacher?" asked a short, thick-set woman, who had seated -herself with her legs apart, and her hands set squarely on her knees. - -"That is more than I can tell you. But here's his wife." - -The big woman waved her handkerchief and an odour of patchouli towards -Mrs. Harland. - -"Oh, you're the schoolmarm?" The thickset woman eyed Mrs. Harland as -though she were taking her mental measurement "Where's them boys of -mine?" - -"These," explained the big woman, in the condescending way which -seemed to be a peculiarity of hers, "are some of the other Mrs. -Bindons. I have not," she added, "been treated quite with the civility -I should like, and have a right to expect, but on this side they're so -old-fashioned." - -"None of your old fashions for me, and none of your new ones neither. -Give me the ways I'm used to. Where's them boys of mine?" - -The thick-set woman stared at Mrs. Harland in a manner which suggested -combat. The lady pressed her hand to her side. She felt at a loss for -breath. Mechanically she crossed the room and rang the bell. The -servant appeared. - -"Tell the Masters Bindon that they are wanted in the drawing-room." - -The servant gazed in amazement at the assembled congregation. The -order had to be repeated before her faculties returned. - -"Is that the hired gal?" inquired the thick-set woman directly the -housemaid's back was turned. - -"Servant, they call them here," explained the big woman in her -patronising way. - -The thick-set woman snorted. She glared at the big woman as though she -were not grateful for the explanation. Silence prevailed. The nine -ladies stared at Mrs. Harland. They seemed to be mentally appraising -her. She herself appeared to be stricken with a sort of mental -paralysis, as though the invasion had stricken her dumb. - -At last--it seemed a very long at last--the door reopened, and there -appeared the red-haired Master Bindon--John F. Stanley. His appearance -was followed by another interval of silence. The ladies stared at him. -He stared at the ladies. No enthusiasm was shown on either side. The -thick-set woman broke the silence. - -"So it's you?" - -"It's me." He edged away. "Don't you hit me!" he exclaimed. - -"Aren't you ashamed of yourself?" - -"What for?" - -"Here you are in England, and your mother's looking for you in Canada. -I guess your father's got you mixed." - -"I shouldn't wonder," struck in a thin, acidulated-looking woman, "if -Mr. Bindon's took you for my George, and sent my George to Canada. I -never knew such a head for children as that man has got. Is my George -here?" - -"No," said Rufus. He grinned. - -"Then," exclaimed the acidulated-looking woman, "I'm clean done." - -The nervous little woman came forward. She laid her hand on Rufus's -arm. "My Neddy's here! I'm sure my Neddy's here!" - -Although she said that she was sure, her tone was by no means one of -certainty. Her voice trembled--the little woman trembled too. - -"He's not," said Rufus. He grinned again. - -"He's not!" The little woman started back. "Not here! Mr. Bindon told -me himself that he'd sent my Neddy to school at the old place at -Duddenham. He wouldn't let me come all this way for nothing. And I've -spent all my money on my fare." - -The rest of the Masters Bindon began to enter the room. They came in a -long unbroken line. The little woman looked, with eager eyes, for the -face she sought. The line ceased. She turned to Mrs. Harland. - -"That's not all?" she cried. - -"I think it is," said Mrs. Harland, with a sort of gasp. - -"Neddy! Neddy!" - -Crying, the little woman sank on her knees upon the floor. - -There was a goodly company of the Masters Bindon. There were some -among them the sight of whom gladdened their mothers' hearts. - -"So it _is_ you?" observed the thick-set woman to John G. William. -"You've not gone to Canada--no such luck! Where's your brother?" The -wooden-legged hero, Oscar J. Oswald, stumped in sight. "When I get you -home I'll give you a good sound hiding, the pair of you. Didn't I tell -you to write to me each week? You haven't so much as sent me a line to -say if you was living or dead. When I get you home I'll make you wish -that you was dead." - -The big woman--Louisa Brown, that was--had three young gentlemen -standing in a line in front of her. They were the three "stutters." - -"Now, boys, I hope you've got cured of your stammerings. You can't -kiss me, you'll mess my things. Do you hear what I say? I do hope -you've got cured of your stammering." - -"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b--" - -There arose a chaos of sounds. The three young gentlemen opened their -mouths. Judging from their contortions they appeared to be suffering -agonies. - -"For goodness gracious stop that noise!" The fond mother clapped her -hands to her ears. "I declare I feel inclined to knock your heads -together. Why, your stammer's worse than before. I must say"--she -glanced towards Mrs. Harland--"I must say that you've been shamefully -neglected." - - - III. - -As Mr. Harland returned along the lane which led towards home he saw, -standing in the middle of the road in front of him, a couple of -ladies, who, judging from their man[oe]uvres, appeared to be spying -out the land. As he came up one of them hailed him. A tall, angular -lady, who wore spectacles and low shoes and skirts which did not reach -to her ankles, and who spoke in a loud, shrill, rasping voice, which -might have been audible on the other side the meadow. - -"Say, stranger, can you hitch us on to Mulberry House Academy, where -they lams young byes?" - -"I know Mulberry House School. I'm the headmaster, Mr. Harland." - -The lady turned to her companion. - -"Bashemath, I guess we're solid." She returned to the gentleman. -"You're the man we're after; we're Mrs. Bindon." - -"You--I presume you mean that you are Mrs. Bindon?" - -"Me and her are Mrs. Bindon." - -"I--I suppose there's some joke intended. Or, perhaps, this lady is -your daughter?" - -"Sakes alive! Between Bashemath and me there are not twelve months." - -"No, Deborah," said the other lady, "nor yet eleven." - -"And as for joking, stranger, I'd have you know that I'm no jokist. -Bashemath and me have had to walk up from the depōt. The driver said -his carriage wouldn't hold no more than seven. We didn't see the use -of a carriage just for Bashemath and me, being both of a saving mind." - -"You will be glad to hear," remarked Mr. Harland, as he led the way to -Mulberry House, a lady on either side of him, "that your sons all -enjoy good health." - -"Lord save the man!" cried the lady with the glasses, "you don't -suppose all them byes is mine. I've one of 'em, and he's enough--the -limb! I've seven daughters, but they're Samuel Newton's, who is dead. -The rest of them byes are Mr. Bindon's." - -"Are there"--Mr. Harland slightly coughed--"are there several Mr. -Bindons?" - -The lady pulled up short. She turned and faced the gentleman. - -"Stranger, are you just sarsing?" - -"Madam! Only by inadvertence could a word escape my lips which would -in any way cause annoyance to a lady." - -When they reached Mulberry House a couple of flys were standing at the -front door. - -"I guess," observed the angular lady, "there's more of them come up -than seven." - -As Mr. Harland and his companions ascended the steps two gentlemen -came rushing down them. They were the drivers of the flys. Unless -circumstances belied them they had been whiling away the interval of -waiting by listening at the drawing-room door. In the hall were the -cook, housemaid, and the small girl who acted as general help. Their -presence in that particular spot required explanation. Their -countenances, when they perceived their master, showed that it did. - -"What is the meaning of this?" inquired Mr. Harland. "Where's your -mistress?" - -"If you please, sir, she's in the drawing-room." - -"Is she engaged?" - -"There are----" The girl choked back a giggle. "There are some ladies -with her." - -"I guess," remarked the angular lady, "they're some of the other Mrs. -Bindons." - -Three distinct and undeniable titters came from the servants. - -"Sarah," said Mr. Harland, sternly checking the disconcerted damsel as -she was about to seek refuge with her colleagues in flight, "show -these ladies into the drawing-room, and tell your mistress that I wish -to speak to her in the study." - -"What--what on earth, Maria, is the meaning of this?" demanded Mr. -Harland, as his wife made her appearance in his sanctum. - -The lady dropped into a chair. - -"Thank goodness, Andrew, you have come home. I don't know what I -should have done if I had been left alone with them much longer." - -"Who are these women?" - -"They're the Mrs. Bindons." - -"The Mrs. Bindons! How many of them are there?" - -"There were nine. The two you brought make eleven." - -"Eleven! Eleven Mrs. Bindons! Maria!" - -"Andrew!" - -"Is--is the man a Mormon?" - -"Yes, he--he's a Mormon." - -"Maria! You don't mean that?" - -"I do. You remember Jane Cooper?" - -"The slut that you sent packing?" - -"She's here. She's one of the Mrs. Bindons. And Louisa Brown, she's -another." - -"Not the Louisa Brown?" - -"And there are two or three more whose faces I know quite well, but I -can't think who they are." - -Mr. Harland drew a long breath. He whistled. - -"I knew J. Bindon _must_ be Jolly Jack." - -"But, Andrew, what can we do? There's all those boys in there, and -some of them have found their mothers and some of them haven't. And -there's Jane Cooper come all this way to see her son, and it appears -he's been sent by mistake to Canada. And there's Louisa Brown been -knocking those three poor stammering creatures' heads together, and -she says that you've been neglecting them shamefully because you -haven't cured their stutter. And there's a woman been thrashing John -G. William with her umbrella. And they're all going on at one another, -and at their children, and at me. Oh, Andrew, they've made me feel -quite ill. That Mr. Bindon must be an awful man!" - -"He appears to be, in his way, a character. A character, so far as -Duddenham is concerned, almost of an original kind." - -"Oh, Andrew, don't talk like that--don't. Think of it. Eleven wives! -And I don't know how many more there are at home. To hear those women -speak you would think that there were hundreds, and not one of them -seems in the least ashamed. There are some of them in Canada looking -for their children--for all I know eleven more are coming here. -Andrew!" The lady rose. She laid her hand, with a solemn gesture, upon -her husband's arm. "I will not have those women and their children in -my house. I will not have a Bindon, now that I know all, under my -roof, not for a hundred thousand pounds." - -Mr. Harland rubbed his chin. - -"I think that I had better go and see these ladies, Maria, or they may -feel that they are being slighted." - -"No half measures! You will turn them out of my house, the mothers and -their children, stick and stone, never to return--or else I leave it." - -"You're quite right, Maria. I think, if I were you, I'd go upstairs -and wash my face and brush my hair. You seem to be excited." - -"You'd be excited if you'd gone through what I have." - -"Now," said Mr. Harland to himself when his wife had gone, "to -interview that very compound noun--the wife of Mr. Bindon." He went -out into the passage. "They appear to be employing the shining hour. -Unless I am mistaken that is John G. William's howl, and _that_ is -John B. David's. The ladies are either thrashing the young gentlemen -upon their own account, or else they are setting them on, in what is -possibly Salt Lake City style, to thrash each other." Then arose a -hubbub of women's voices. "What a peaceful household Jolly Jack's must -be." He stood and listened. The din grew greater. "They're at it. Are -they scratching each other's eyes out, or are they merely giving their -lungs free play? Perhaps on the whole I had better go and see." - -He had hardly taken two steps in the direction of the drawing-room -when someone twitched his coat-sleeve from behind. - -"Mr. 'arland! Mr. 'arland!" - -There came the twitch at his sleeve again. Someone addressed him in a -very muffled voice, which in force scarcely amounted to a whisper, -from the rear. Mr. Harland wheeled round. - -"Who's that?" he cried. - -"Ssh!" Close behind him, so close that Mr. Harland by his sudden -movement almost knocked him down, stood a man. He had his finger -pressed against his lips. "Ssh! I came round by the back; I knew that -they was in the front." - -He spoke in a low and tremulous whisper. Beads of perspiration stood -on his face. Agitation was on every line. Mr. Harland stared at him, -astonished. He had approached from behind so noiselessly that the -schoolmaster had been taken unawares. - -"May I ask, sir, who you are?" - -"I'll tell you in 'arf a minute. Just step this way." - -The stranger, taking Mr. Harland by the arm, led him in the direction -of the study which he had just now quitted. Mr. Harland allowed -himself to be led. At the study door the stranger paused. He jerked -his thumb in the direction of the drawing-room. His voice dropped to a -whisper: "How many of 'em are there?" - -"How many are there, sir, of what?" - -Mr. Harland put the counter-question in his ordinary tones. This -seemed to disconcert the stranger. "Never mind. Just step inside." - -With a hurried movement he drew Mr. Harland within the study. - -"You don't mind my just turning the key?" - -"If you mean do I object to your locking the door, I do very strongly. -What are you doing? What do you mean, sir, by your impertinence?" - -The stranger had not only locked the door, he had withdrawn the key -from the lock. - -"Softly! softly! I don't mean no 'arm. I only want to be a little -private. Don't you know me, Mr. 'arland?" - -"Know you?" The schoolmaster looked the stranger up and down. He was a -man of medium height, of a fleshy habit. His face, which was fat and -broad, and pasty hued, suggested a curious mixture of shrewdness and -of folly. His eyes were small and bright. He wore carefully-trimmed -mutton-chop whiskers, adjuncts which lent him an air of flashy -imbecility. When he removed his glossy silk hat, which he did to -enable him to mop his brow with his pink silk pocket-handkerchief, it -was seen that he was almost bald, and that what little hair he had was -straw-coloured, parted in the middle, and curled close to his head. He -was dressed from head to foot in shiny black broadcloth. His hands -were large and fat, and the fingers were loaded with rings. A thick -gold chain passed from pocket to pocket of his waistcoat, and in his -light-blue necktie was an enormous diamond pin. - -"Know you?" repeated Mr. Harland, continuing his examination of the -man. "I've seen you somewhere before, and yet"--then came a sudden -burst of recollection. "Why, you're Jolly Jack!" The stranger -simpered. He carefully wiped the lining of his hat. - -"Ah, Mr. 'arland, I used to be. But that's a many years ago. There's -not much jollity about me now. I'm just J. Bindon." - -"Oh, you're just J. Bindon. The Mr. Bindon, I presume, with whose -correspondence I've been honoured?" - -"That's the chap." - -"And whose 'shipments' from time to time have come to hand?" - -"Ah, them shipments!" - -"As you say, Mr. Bindon, 'Ah, them shipments.' I don't know if you are -aware, Mr. Bindon, that your wife is in my drawing-room?" - -"Ssh!" Mr. Bindon put his ringer to his lips. He approached Mr. -Harland with a mysterious air, "Might I ask you not to speak so loud, -Mr. 'arland, and not to pronounce my name. If you must call me -something, I'd sooner you was to call me Jack." - -"Is your name, Mr. Bindon, not one of which you have reason to be -proud?" - -"Don't you, Mr. 'arland, don't you now." He put a question from behind -the cover of his hand. "How many of 'em are there?" - -"How many are there--of Mrs. Bindon?" - -The husband and the father sighed. - -"If you like to put it that way." - -"I understand that in my drawing-room at present there are eleven." - -Mr. Bindon placed his silk hat on a chair. - -He began again to mop his brow. "That's all, is it? Then there's some -more of 'em about. I suppose you couldn't tell me which of 'em is -there?" - -"I'm afraid not. I have not myself been introduced to the whole of -Mrs. Bindon--only to two of her. And in the case of that two I have -not been honoured with a formal introduction. But if you like I will -ring the bell, and the servant shall make inquiries." - -"Not for worlds, Mr. 'arland, not for worlds! I wouldn't ave 'em know -that I was 'ere not for a thousand dollars. Mr. 'arland, you look upon -a man who's in a remarkable situation." - -"I can easily believe, Mr. Bindon, that I look upon a man who, upon -more than one occasion, has been in a remarkable situation." - -"It's easy to laugh, Mr. 'arland, but circumstances is stronger than -us. Do you remember when I left Duddenham?" - -"For the benefit of your health, was it not?" - -"Just--just so. For the benefit of my 'ealth. By the way, I suppose I -ain't running no risk in coming back?" - -"You should be a better judge than I." - -"Some--someone had been knocking a gamekeeper on the 'ead, but I'll -swear it wasn't me. I was very much misjudged in them days, Mr. -'arland. 'Owsomever, I suppose all that is forgotten years ago, and -when I left Duddenham, Mr. 'arland, I went to America, and then I -found myself in the City of the Saints." - -"The City of the Saints?" - -"In Salt Lake City, Mr. 'arland. I got on in my modest way; I -certainly got on. But I soon saw that there was one way of getting on -which was better than any other." - -"And that was?" - -"Marrying. Not as you understand it over here, marrying one young -woman and getting done with it; but marrying in the wholesale line. In -them days no man came to much in Salt Lake City who 'adn't got at -least a dozen wives. I always 'ad 'ad an eye for a female. I'd got no -objection to a dozen, nor yet a score. So I looked about to see 'ow I -could get 'em." - -Mr. Bindon coughed modestly behind his handkerchief. He took a chair. -He continued to tell his tale with the aid of his fingers. - -"First of all I looked at 'ome. There was Jane Cooper; I knew she was -in a little trouble; I asked 'er to come. There was Louisa Brown; she -was in a little trouble too, so I asked 'er. Then there was Susan -Baxter over at Basingthorpe. I always 'ad been sweet on Susan; I asked -'er too. There was one or two other gals about the countryside for -whom I'd 'ad a liking, so I asked 'em all." - -"Do you mean to tell me, Mr. Bindon, that all these young women came -to you, each knowing that the other one was coming?" - -"Well--not exactly. They didn't know that they all was coming till -they all was there." - -"And then?" - -"Well, there was little differences just at first. But they settled -down; they settled down. They 'ad a way in Salt Lake City, in them -days, of getting the women to settle down. Well, Mr. 'arland, I got -on! I got on! I got wives and children, and then more wives and more -children. Some of the wives was widdies, and they brought children of -their own. So we grew and multiplied, and all went well--till -persecution came." - -"Persecution?" - -"You know, Mr. 'arland, we always 'ad 'ad enemies--the Saints! They -was against the Peculiar Institootion." - -"Wholesale marrying?" - -Mr. Bindon only sighed. - -"By degrees things got warm for us, especially for me. I was a -prominent member of the Church, and they went for me special because -they said I had so many wives." - -"May I ask, Mr. Bindon, how many wives you had?" - -"That's more than I can say, Mr. 'arland, more than I can say. It's a -little complicated. There's some you're married to, and some you're -sealed to, and some you're on the point of being sealed to, and there -you are. When I first went out, marrying was the surest way of getting -on. But, by degrees, marrying didn't pay. There was a talk of bigamy. -There was threats of bringing me before the Gentile courts." - -Mr. Bindon paused. He drew his silk handkerchief two or three times -across his brow. Again he sighed. - -"Ah, Mr. 'arland, there 'adn't never been in my 'ousehold that perfect -peace there ought to have been. There was complications. It's a long -story, and it's no use going into it now, but there they was. I kep' -'em under--with great care, I kep' 'em under until persecution came. -Then keep 'em under I could not, try 'ow I might. There was, Mr. -'arland, I tell you plainly, there was ructions. I've been struck, Mr. -'arland, struck! by my own wives. They knocked me down one day, some -on 'em, and stamped on me. It ain't all beer and skittles, married -life, especially when you don't know 'ow many wives you 'as, and most -of 'em 'as tempers." - -Again Mr. Bindon paused to wipe his brow. It needed it. As he -continued to unfold his narrative he was in a constant state of -perspiration. - -"What with Gentile persecution, and what with family ructions, I got -desprit. Them byes and gals was at the bottom of the shindies, so I -made up my mind to ship 'em off, and I ships 'em." - -"Without their mothers' knowledge?" - -"There was bound to be little deceptions, Mr. 'arland, there was bound -to be--or I couldn't 'ave lived. I daresay I should have managed"--Mr. -Bindon sighed--"if it 'adn't been for another little marriage what I -made." - -"Another!" - -"It was this way, Mr. 'arland. My partner, he died, J. B. G. Dixon. He -left three wives. These 'ere three wives, they wanted to withdraw his -capital. I couldn't stand that, anyhow. So I married 'em, just to give -'em satisfaction. Three more or less didn't seem to make no odds. So I -took 'em for a little wedding trip. My managing clerk--'e was a -regular villain--I knows it now, but I didn't then. 'E 'ad a eye on -Dixon's wives 'imself, 'e 'ad. So when I married 'em 'e thought 'e'd -take it out of me. That very day I married 'em I was going to ship off -an assorted lot of sons to your academy. That there villain of a clerk -'e pretended 'e'd misunderstood my instructions. 'E went and shipped -off them eight gals of J. B. G. Dixon's, instead of my assorted lot of -sons. My crikey! when them wives of Dixon's found it out, wasn't there -a shindy! They made out it was a regular plot of mine to rob 'em of -their gals. I couldn't stand it, I tell you straight. So I've come -over 'ere to fetch 'em back again--nothing else would suit them women -but that I should. If you'll 'and 'em over, Mr. 'arland, I'll pay you -what is doo, and I'll take 'em away with me round by the back if you -don't mind." - -"About the ladies in the drawing-room, Mr. Bindon?" - -"There's been a little family difference, Mr. 'arland. When they 'eard -that I'd taken on with Dixon's wives they didn't seem to like it, some -of 'em. They'd found out where their byes 'ad gone to, or they thought -they 'ad, so they came over 'ere to look for 'em--mind you, without -saying a word to their 'usband, which was me. They came by one -steamer, I came by another, and if they was to know that I was 'ere -they'd want to take my life, some of 'em--I give you my word they -would." - -"Give me the key of the door." - -"Mr. 'arland." - -"I wish to give instructions for the Misses Dixon to be sent to the -study." - -"That's all? No games! It's serious, you know." - -"Don't be absurd, sir. Give me the key." - -"Mr. 'arland!" - -Mr. Bindon yielded the key. His demeanour betokened agitation. He -stood trembling as Mr. Harland unlocked the door. When the -schoolmaster threw it open he gave a positive start. Mr. Harland -stepped into the passage. - -"Sarah!" He called for the housemaid in a tone of voice which must -have been audible at some considerable distance. - -"Not so loud, Mr. 'arland! You don't know what ears them women's got." - -Mr. Harland rather raised his voice than otherwise. "Tell your -mistress that Mr. Bindon's here. You understand--Mr. Bindon." - -"Mr. 'arland!" - -"And send the Misses Dixon into the study." - -"You've done it, Mr. 'arland!" - -"Done what, sir?" - -"They've 'eard you--I'll bet my boots they 'ave." - -Mr. Harland turned again and shouted, "Tell your mistress at once that -Mr. Bindon's here!" - -"They're coming!" - -"How dare you, sir, try to shut the door in my face!" - -"They're coming, Mr. 'arland! They'll murder me! You've spilt the -cart!" - -Mr. Bindon's agitation was extreme. There was a rush of feet along the -passage, a sound of many skirts. A whirlwind of excited women dashed -through the study door. - -"Where's Mr. Bindon?" cried Louisa Brown--that was. - -"I see him! He's underneath the table!" - -"Fetch him out!" exclaimed the thick-set woman. They fetched him. - - - IV. - -The procession left Mulberry House in the following order: the first -fly contained all that was left of Mr. Bindon. The seats were occupied -by four ladies--excited ladies. Mr. Bindon--all, we repeat, that was -left of him--stood up between the four. He had not much standing room. - -Around the first fly circled a crowd of boys. The crowd consisted of -twelve--twelve sons! They hurrahed and shouted, they jumped and ran. -Their proceedings gave to the procession an air of triumph. Eight -young ladies walked beside the fly, the driver of which had received -instructions not to proceed above a walking pace. These young ladies -wept. - -The second fly contained seven ladies, five inside and two upon the -box. The language of these ladies was both fluent and fervid. They -beguiled the tedium of the way by making personal remarks which must -have been distinctly audible to at least one person in the fly in -front. This person was kept in a perpendicular position by the points -of four umbrellas. - -"I hope," observed Mrs. Harland, when the procession had started, -"that they won't murder him." - -"I don't think you need be afraid of that, my love. They will merely -escort him back, in the bosom of his family, to the City of the -Saints." - -Mr. Harland examined a cheque, which was written in a trembling hand, -and the ink on which was scarcely dry. And the procession passed from -sight. - - - - - A Burglar Alarm - -I must confess that the idea appealed to Leila more strongly than it -did to me. I do not deny that it struck me as original. But it does -not follow that because an idea is original it is of much practical -value. Leila thought that it was just the thing which was wanted to -calm her condition of nervous disquietude. So, of course, I said -nothing. - -At that time we were living at The Larches, and had only just -discovered what a striking difference there is in a house, which is -nine miles away from anywhere, in the summer and in the winter. In the -summer the place was a perfect paradise. The house was embowered in -trees. Within a stone's-throw was a little stream, which murmured as -it meandered, singing, as it were, songs of Arcady. But as the nights -grew longer, and the mornings further off, it was even painful to -observe what a different aspect The Larches began to wear. The winds -howled through the leafless corpses of the trees like souls in agony. -The stream rose till it flooded all the neighbourhood. During the long -evenings the feeling of solitude was really most depressing. As Leila -justly remarked, if anything happened in the dead of the night, and we -were in need of assistance, where should we be? The nearest doctor was -thirteen miles off. A policeman seven. The only servants we could -induce to stay with us were an old woman, who was so old that she had -to choose between us and the workhouse, and a young girl who had come -to us out of the workhouse, and who was undoubtedly meditating -returning whence she came. She said that it was livelier at the -workhouse than at The Larches. Of that, personally, I have not the -slightest doubt. - -One day in November I was reading a paper. We did get a paper, now and -then, though I trust that not many people have realised what it means -to drive, in English November weather, in an open basket-carriage, -perhaps eighteen miles to get one. In this paper a paragraph caught my -eye, which was headed, "A Burglar Alarm." I read it. The idea of the -thing was this. You were to cover the hall, and the stairs, and the -banisters, and any other place where anybody was likely to tread, with -open newspapers. Then, if a burglar came into the house in the middle -of the night, he would step on the newspapers, and you would hear them -rustle, and would know that he was there. The idea rather struck me. I -mentioned it to Leila. Indeed, I read the paragraph to her there and -then. She was quite ecstatic. - -"We'll try it to-night," she said. - -I did not see the exact _sequitur_. Nor why we should lay traps for -burglars because paragraphs appeared in papers. I told her so. - -"If a burglar did break in, where should we be?" she asked. - -That was her favourite form of inquiry. I really could not tell her, -though I strongly suspected that I, for one, should be in bed. Nor did -I see how, in that respect, the situation would be altered, although -the house was covered with newspapers, both within and without. - -"My dear Frederic, how dense you are! Don't you understand that we -should at least know that the man was there, and that would be some -relief at any rate." - -I was not so sure of this myself, although I did not care to interrupt -her flow of eloquence to tell her so. - -"I'll hunt up all the newspapers I can find, and, to-night, we'll -cover the stairs." - -We did. Leila is of a sanguine temperament. When she has made up her -mind on a subject I generally acquiesce. I acquiesced then. - -Shortly before nine, which hour, as a rule, was our bedtime at The -Larches, except on those occasions when we retired earlier, we -commenced our operations. - -We endeavoured to enlist the servants' sympathy and assistance; but -Mrs. Perkins evidently regarded the whole affair as savouring of -lunacy, and Eliza did nothing else but giggle. So Leila and I had, -practically, to do it all. I think that we made a very fair job of it, -on the whole. We laid between a dozen and twenty newspapers down in -the hall. We covered the stairs. - -By the way, it was only after we had covered the stairs that we -discovered that it would be difficult, not to say impossible, for -anyone to ascend them without disarranging all that we had done; so as -we ourselves, and Mrs. Perkins and Eliza were all below, the stairs -had to be done over again. The servants went up first. We followed. -And, as we followed, we covered the treads with the papers as we went. -We even hung newspapers over the banisters, so that if a burglar, -alarmed at the noise which he found he made by stepping on the stairs, -caught hold of the banisters, he would not find that there was safety -there. - -I rather fancy that the preparations which we had made for an enemy -who might or might not come acted on our own nervous systems. - -Anyhow, hardly had we got into our bedroom and locked the door, than -there came a noise as if all the newspapers we had just laid down were -being stepped upon at once. And not only stepped but jumped on. Leila -was immediately in an almost painful state of agitation. I, of course, -was not so much affected. Still, I own that, even to me, the thing -seemed curious. - -"Did you lock the door?" she gasped. - -"Certainly. Didn't you see me lock it?" - -"Don't let him come in!" - -"Don't let who come in, my dear?" - -Leila did not say. She stood listening, trembling like a leaf. All was -still. - -"Frederic, who can it be?" - -"I think, my dear, that perhaps I had better go and inquire." - -Scarcely had I spoken than there came the noise again. This time it -was louder than before, and more prolonged. Leila threw her arms about -my neck. She was almost in hysterics. - -"Frederic, it's a burglar!" - -I did not see very well how it could be. If it was, then the fellow -must have been secreted in the house. He must have watched us to our -bedrooms, and then have instantaneously taken advantage of the fact of -our backs being turned to indulge in acrobatic performances which were -scarcely in accordance with received burglarious traditions. - -"Nonsense, my dear, it is nothing of the kind." - -As a matter of fact, it was not. It was the cat. Or rather, to be -quite accurate, the kitten. Our cat, whose name, although the animal -was of the feminine persuasion, was Simon, had recently had an -addition to her family. In fact, five additions. Four of them, within -a very short time of their birth, had passed from life--and into a -pail of water. One of them remained alive. I really cannot say why. I -imagine that a white eye had something to do with the matter. The -small creature was like a lump of soot, except about the region of one -eye. There it was as white as the driven, or the undriven--I don't -know which it is, but I know it is one or the other--snow. Leila had -announced that the creature was to be named Macgregor. I can only -repeat that, again, I cannot say why. Leila has a somewhat peculiar -habit of naming, or, perhaps, it would be more correct to write, -misnaming, the animals which come into her possession. She called the -pony we had at The Larches the Duke of Liverpool. She said she did so -because there was not a Duke of Liverpool. That seemed to me an -insufficient reason why the title should have been conferred upon a -spavined, ill-groomed little brute, with a nasty temper, and only -three sound legs to move, or, as was more frequently the case, to -stand upon. - -It seems that Macgregor had mistaken us. He seems to have supposed -that Leila and I had occupied the better part of an hour, and taken -the stiffening out of our backs, in order to provide him with a novel -form of amusement, by means of which he might while away, to his own -satisfaction, the witching hours of the stilly night. It appears, too, -that Simon, his masculinely-named female parent, had shared in his -delusion. At any rate, when Leila was beginning to think that all the -burglars in England were dancing breakdowns on those newspapers, and I -went out to see what really was the matter, with a revolver which was -not loaded, and which never had been loaded, in one hand, and a -hairbrush in the other, I found Macgregor dashing up and down the -stairs in a perfect ecstasy of enjoyment, while his wretched parent, -forgetting the respect which she owed to herself, and the example -which she owed to him, was rushing and raging after him. I threw the -revolver at Simon and the hairbrush at Macgregor. - -Of course Macgregor had to be captured. Also Simon, his mother. It was -absurd to suppose that we had covered the house from the top to the -bottom with newspapers in order that these two animals might render -life not worth the living. But Macgregor was not easy to catch. Leila -and I had to hunt him single-handed; though, perhaps, double-handed -would have been the better expression. We endeavoured to summon the -servants to our assistance. But Mrs. Perkins, who was more than a -little deaf when wide awake, was stone deaf when fast asleep. We never -entertained any hopes of being able to make her hear. Our idea was to -rouse Eliza, then to induce Eliza to prod Mrs. Perkins with her elbow -in the side, and so to establish a chain of communication. - -However, directly we began to rap at the bedroom door, Eliza seemed to -be developing strong symptoms of hysterics, apparently under the -impression that we were burglars. So, since the girl was always more -or less of an idiot, and we thought it would, perhaps, not be worth -our while to send her into fits, we resolved, as has been said, to -hunt Macgregor single-handed. - -A kitten is a lively animal. One has an object-lesson on this -interesting fact in natural history, when, with the aid of a single -candle, two persons endeavour to catch a kitten in a large, rambling, -old-fashioned house in the darkness of the night. We almost had -Macgregor several times. Never quite. We followed him all over the -house with untiring and, one might almost write, increasing zeal. Up -the stairs and down the stairs. Then up again, then down again. I -doubt if, in his short life, Macgregor had ever enjoyed himself so -much before. For my part I vowed that never again should a _lusus -naturę_, in the shape of a white eye, keep a kitten out of a pail. - -Finally, in the back kitchen, while making a frenzied dash at him, I -missed Macgregor, and knocked the candle over. In endeavouring to -save it I cannoned into Leila. I had not previously been aware that -she was in my near neighbourhood. With such force did I strike her -that I sent her flying backwards, until, reaching the floor, she found -a resting-place amidst the pots and the pans. She fell with such a -clatter, and with such a din, that, in the darkness, my blood ran -cold. And, having fallen, she began to scream in a manner which -deprived me of the little self-possession I had left. - -"Is that you, Leila?" I inquired. - -I felt morally persuaded that it was. I did not see who else it could -be. Still, I imagined that I might as well make sure. She did not tell -me in so many words. But the voice which screamed was the voice of -Leila. - -"Are you hurt?" I asked. - -Again she did not answer. She only screamed. I was in darkness. I had -not saved the candle. I could not see her. I could not feel, because -every time I moved I seemed to hit her with another saucepan. I had no -matches. I knew of none nearer than the bedroom. I had to leave Leila -screaming there. I had to find my way out of that back kitchen, -stumbling, as it seemed to me, over all the contents of an -ironmonger's shop, and almost knocking out my brains against the -partly-opened door. I had to grope my way along the newspaper-covered -passages, across the newspaper-covered hall, up the newspaper-covered -stairs. I had to hang on to the newspaper-covered banisters. - -If ever there was a burglar alarm I sounded it. I heard Macgregor and -Simon, his mother, indulging in their little playful pranks, above and -below me, and everywhere at once. But the servants did not seem to -hear anything. No, nothing. I had no means of knowing if Eliza had -frightened herself into a fit, and if Mrs. Perkins was dead. As I -entered the bedroom I swept a jug and basin off the wash-hand-stand. -It sounded as if I had broken the contents of a china shop. But no one -seemed to notice it--not even Simon and Macgregor. Such was my state -of agitation, and such the confusion of my mind, that I floundered -into the middle cupboard of the wardrobe, which, in some mysterious -manner, must have opened of its own accord. I had dragged all Leila's -dresses off the hooks and half smothered myself beneath them before I -discovered where I was. But I found the matches. Oh, yes, I found them -after all. - -I also found Leila. She was sitting up on the kitchen floor, in the -midst of the pots and pans, in a frame of mind which, by me, was -unexpected. She seemed to be under the impression that my conduct had -been base, not to say heartless. She appeared to be under the, to me, -extraordinary delusion that I had scrambled in the darkness up the -newspaper-covered stairs, and fallen over everything which I could -fall over, because I hated her. She wept. It was all I myself could do -to refrain from tears. - -However, we managed to secure Macgregor and his mother in the -drawing-room, in which apartment we felt morally persuaded that they -would break everything that was worth the breaking. Then Leila -insisted upon me rearranging the ingenious little trap which we had -laid to catch a burglar. - -"What," she remarked, as she wiped away a final tear, "was the use of -doing a thing at all if we didn't do it properly?" - -There was wisdom in her unanswerable inquiry, though I could not but -feel thankful as I reflected that there were no more cats in the house -who could mistake our intentions, and, under an entire misapprehension, -turn them topsy-turvy once again. - -Leila seemed to think that it was all owing to me that the newspapers -had become disarranged. I do not know what could have put such an idea -into her head. But it was obviously because she thought so that she -insisted upon my doing all the work, while she stood three stairs -above me and issued her instructions. - -I am of a plethoric habit, and by the time I had done all the stooping -which Leila thought was indispensable if the burglar alarm was to be -all that a burglar alarm ought to be, I was, I am convinced, within a -measurable distance of apoplexy. Indeed, I hinted to Leila that -burglars might take up their permanent residence at The Larches before -I should ever again be persuaded to make such arrangements for their -reception. As for that paragraph in the paper, the stuff which some of -the papers do contain is really monstrous. If I ever do encounter the -editor of that particular journal in private life, I care not where -nor when, I shall have to be bound over by the magistrates in at least -two sureties, I know I shall. - -When Leila, on entering the bedroom, stepped on the handle of the -broken jug and perceived the rest of the remains, and that there was -about half an inch of water on the floor, I must say that I found her -behaviour not a little trying. I had not informed her of the accident -which, when I was searching for the matches, I had had, because, such -was my state of agitation, it had slipped my mind--though, I know, she -doubts it to this hour. - -I was aware that she was bound to discover what had happened, -therefore why should I have attempted to conceal it? Under the -circumstances it is a mere absurdity to imagine that I could have -proposed to myself to do anything of the kind; nor was it necessary -for her to inform me, especially in the way in which she did inform -me, that that toilet set had been one of her wedding presents. If a -wedding present is to be regarded as a fetish in a family, and made a -sort of little god of, then all I can say is that I wish she had had -fewer wedding presents even than she did have. - -I regret to have to write that Leila did not hesitate to suggest that -I had broken that toilet set on purpose. According to her it was all -part of my heartlessness and the hatred which I bore her. That I had -almost killed myself while hunting for the matches was nothing to her. -Nor did she pause to consider how I could have done it on purpose, -when, such was the Egyptian nature of the darkness, I did not even -know that the toilet set was there. We mopped the water up with the -towels. Then Leila knelt down and pieced the fragments of the toilet -set together as best she could, and continued to address me as if I -had been guilty, at the very least, of treason felony. When she -discovered that during my unfortunate search for those mislaid and -miserable matches I had also accidentally and quite unintentionally -visited the wardrobe, I thought that she would have thrown something -at me, even though she would have had to use as missiles pieces of the -broken ware. - -It appeared that in dragging Leila's dresses off the hooks I had had -what one is bound to confess was the singular ill-fortune to tear -holes in most, if not in all of them. Insignificant holes they were -for the most part. Really hardly worth the mentioning, though you -would not have thought they were hardly worth the mentioning if you -had heard Leila. True, I had made rather a lengthy incision in the -back of her best silk, and ripped the waistband off her tailor-made; -but the rest of the garments were scarcely, that is to say, from my -point of view, not appreciably damaged. And when you consider that in -my agitation I had struggled as for my life in that death-trap of a -wardrobe, surely an allowance might have been made. Leila, however, -made absolutely none. - -That was not upon the whole a restful night. Neither Leila nor I wooed -sweet sleep in that equable, at-peace-with-all-the-world frame of mind -in which she should be wooed. It was some time before I ventured into -bed at all. When at last I insinuated myself between the sheets -Leila's observations followed me. Indeed, if I may be allowed to say -so, they more than followed me. I had to coax her with all the power -of coaxing that was in me before she could be induced to even think of -slumber. Seating herself upon a chair, she announced her unalterable -determination to spend the night there rather than consent to share -her couch with the being who had torn her dresses. I perceived quite -plainly that that burglar alarm was not going to prove an economical -contrivance. The little mishaps which I had had were likely to prove a -more serious matter than any injury which mere burglars might have -caused. But no matter. Leila protests that upon that fateful night I -promised, as some slight solatium to her injured feelings, not to -speak of her damaged vestments, to present her with six new dresses. -This sounds to me almost incredible. I scarcely think that under any -circumstances I can have gone so far as that. And when she adds, as -she does add, that I gave her my solemn assurance that she should be -allowed to select and to purchase at my expense any toilet set which -she might see, and which might take her fancy when she next went up -with me to town, I can only declare that if I did give such an -undertaking it was only because I had firmly and finally resolved, in -my own mind, that while such a prospect stared me in the face she -never should go up with me to town again. But, as I have said already, -no matter. I daresay that I did promise something. Now, I do not care -what I promised. Whatever it was, the promise was extracted from me -under pressure. I never meant to keep it. That I earnestly affirm. - -When finally, having for all I know promised to present her with the -contents of half the shops in Regent Street and of all the shops in -Piccadilly, I had succeeded in persuading her to come to bed, the -excitement she had undergone told upon her slight and fragile frame, -and ere long my Leila was asleep. I, too, slept at her side. Nor -during the remaining silent watches of the night did aught disturb our -rest. - -We were roused by someone knocking at our bedroom door. I awoke with -the immediate consciousness that we had overslept ourselves. As a -matter of fact we had, by about two hours. - -"Frederic!" exclaimed Leila, in that nervous way of hers which is apt -to convey to those who do not know her the impression that the last -trump has sounded. "There's someone at the door!" - -"Who's there?" I asked. - -The voice which answered was the voice of Eliza. - -"If you please, sir, there's been robbers in the house!" - -"Robbers! Don't talk such nonsense!" - -"If you please, sir, it ain't nonsense. Mrs. Perkins says there have!" - -And what Mrs. Perkins said was true. There had been robbers in the -house; or, at any rate, a robber; a midnight felon; a rifler of the -homes of honest men. He had made his entry by way of the back kitchen -window. He had had his supper in the front kitchen. A hearty meal it -must have been. There were the remains of the feast still on the -board. He seemed to have eaten all that there was worth eating. He had -drunk all that there was worth drinking. He had certainly taken away -with him on his departure all that there was worth taking. He had -stripped the house of all its valuables. True, they were not many; but -they were our all. And they were gone. - -I imagine that few burglaries have been better carried through. He was -a conscientious and observant workman of his kind. The ruthless -villain! I hope one day to lay hands upon him somewhere. The county -constabulary, I am certain, never will. - -As for the burglar alarm--the burglar alarm was arranged in a neat -heap in a corner of the hall. It had not fulfilled the purpose it had -been intended to fulfil. Like Macgregor and Simon, his mother, the -burglar had misunderstood the intentions which had actuated our -bosoms, Leila's and mine, when we had placed it there. He cannot have -read the paragraph we had noticed in the paper. - -I suspect that that burglar must have been, in his way--his own way--a -humorist. He had seen those newspapers apparently; and, if you -reflect, it was not strange: he had wondered what they meant by being -there. Possibly he had supposed that they had been placed there to -save the oilcloth and the carpets from being stepped upon. Anyhow, -being certain that at any rate his boots were clean, and that he -stepped lightly, he picked up the newspapers carefully one by one, -folded them neatly into four, and placed them, as I have said, in a -little heap in a corner of the hall. - - - - - A Lesson in Sculling - - MISS WHITBY WRITES TO HER MOTHER - - -"My Dearest Mamma,--I have had the most delightful time you can -possibly think of. Everybody and everything has been so nice! And Jack -has been teaching me sculling. And--oh, what do you think?--he drowned -me! Yes--completely! Only, of course, it was all my fault. And he -pulled me out of the water by the hair of my head--or something; I -don't know what, or how. Wasn't it noble of him? I never enjoyed -anything so much in all my life! - -"But I will tell you all about it. I know you must feel anxious. Only -don't think I'm dead, because I'm not. I haven't even caught a cold. -All owing to Charlie. He says I wasn't in the water long enough; -that's what he says. I assure you I was in the water quite long enough -for me! - -"You know, ever since we've been down here we've been on the river -every day, Charlie and I. His mother--Mrs. Mason, you know--doesn't -care for the water; she says it's damp. But I think that's because she -knows that two are company, and is tender-hearted--like you, my -dearest Momkins! Besides, she likes fussing about and paying visits, -and she is so good--I hope that I shall be as good as she is one of -these fine days! But you can never tell! - -"Of course it was very nice being pulled about. Only Charlie was so -aggravating! He wouldn't do in the least bit what you told him. I -would say to him before we started: - -"'Charlie, do take me for a long row--now, promise me!' And he would -say: - -"'Certainly. Fourteen miles out and fifteen in." - -"'Don't be silly! I wish you would--I do so like to be pulled.' - -"He would be standing on the bank with his back to the water, and with -me just in front of him. He would stretch out his arm. - -"'Tip us your flipper!' He meant, 'Give me your hand.' When he chooses -Charlie can be slangy. 'I'll pull you into the river.' - -"It was not the slightest use my talking. I would sigh, and get into -the boat and hope for the best. But I never got it. No! - -"As soon as we had gone three or four hundred yards Charlie would pull -towards a little island, which is just beyond the bend in the river--I -don't know who put it there; I know that I often wished that it was -further--and row right round it into a sort of little creek which was -on the other side, which was just large enough to hold the boat, and -where no one could see us because of the trees. So far as privacy was -concerned we might as well have been in the heart of a virgin forest. -And there Charlie would stop, and do nothing else but talk; though I'm -bound to confess that he chose interesting subjects of conversation as -a rule, because generally, when he wasn't talking of himself, he was -talking of me. And it is such a help to conversation when one is well -acquainted with the topic under discussion. But he did so annoy me, -because he would never do what I told him. I wanted him to row me to -Oxford, or somewhere. But he said it was so hot--I didn't feel -hot!--and Oxford was twenty miles away, and more. That was nonsense, -because quite little electric launches go there and back in a day. At -least, I am nearly sure they do. - -"But what irritated me more than anything else was because he kept on -asking me why, if I was so fond of rowing, with the thermometer four -hundred degrees above bursting point--I don't believe it was anything -like so hot as that, but that is what he said--I didn't row myself. He -knew I couldn't. But I made up my mind that I would learn, and, what -is more, I would teach myself: I would show him what I could do. - -"So one morning I got up, all alone, quite early, without breathing a -single word to anyone. I don't know how early it was, but I know it -was early, because, when I let myself through the dining-room -window--French window--into the garden, there was not a creature in -sight. The garden runs right down to the river. The boat is kept tied -to the bank. I pulled it close and got into it--and directly I got -into it it wobbled. - -"Dearest mamma, even at that last moment--or at that first moment, -whichever it was--I almost wished I hadn't come. Suppose I should -upset! I do believe I should have gone straight back again to bed, -only I couldn't. The boat had drifted to the end of the string and was -ever so far from the land, and how to get it back again I didn't know. -So I sat still, and scarcely dared to breathe. But it did seem so -silly to sit still like that. If anybody saw me what should I say? I -had a pair of nail-scissors in my pocket, and with them I cut the -string. They were a very small pair, and the string was thick and it -was wet. It took me a long time to cut it. But I succeeded at last. I -was adrift on the waters! - -"Dearest mamma, have you ever felt what it is like to be adrift, all -alone by yourself, in a dinghy?--you know what that is, I am sure. I -think that is how it is spelt. I hope you never have, for your own -sake. It is awful! I could have screamed, only I dared not, for -fear of upsetting the boat. I had never thought of the oars until -I was adrift. And when I did think of them my heart went into my -mouth--between ourselves, I believe it was there already. They were -generally taken out of the boat at night. But, fortunately, Charlie -had been too lazy the evening before and had left them in. And there -they were, staring me in the face. I took hold of one very gently, -but directly I began to lift it the boat began again to wobble. I -tried to think I didn't care. I clenched my teeth and I kept on -lifting the oar, and at last I got it straight up in the air--like a -scaffold-pole. I had had no idea it was so heavy. It was all I could -do to hold it; in fact, I couldn't hold it. To my horror it slipped -out of my grasp and fell into the stream with a splash. It drenched me -with water from head to foot. And there it was, floating about by -itself, ever so far away. - -"I quite abandoned hope. I gave myself up for lost. I tried to collect -my presence of mind and to think of the Royal Humane Society's -directions for drowning--which are printed on the board in Hyde Park, -you know. Judged by the light of after events, losing that oar was the -most fortunate thing which could have happened to me. If I had not -lost it I should have drowned myself. My body might have been lying at -the bottom of the river even now. But I did not know that at the time. -And after I had abandoned hope it was all I could do to keep from -crying. - -"Suddenly someone called to me from the bank. It was Charlie. He was -not very well dressed; he had his towel over his arm; he was going for -his morning bathe. But I don't think I ever had loved him so much as -when I heard his voice and saw him standing there--no, not even in -that glad moment when first he told me that he loved me and asked me -to be his wife. - -"'Oh, Charlie!' I cried. 'I'm drowning!' - -"'That's all right!' It sounded unfeeling, but I knew what he meant. -'I'll swim out to you.' - -"He leaped head foremost into the river as if it had been nothing at -all, and swam out to me as if he had been a dog. He swam first of all -to the oar, and then he swam to the boat. - -"'Sit still!' he said. - -"But it was not the slightest use my sitting still when he himself -nearly pulled the boat right over. Almost before I knew it he was -sitting on the seat in front of me, sopping wet and laughing. - -"'What's the meaning of this?' he asked. - -"'I'm learning to row.' - -"'You looked as if you were learning to row! Well, have you learnt?' - -"'Charlie, you're not to laugh at me! It isn't right. Some girls have -people to teach them rowing--people who care for them, that is. But I -haven't, so of course I have to teach myself. And I have to get up in -the small hours of the morning to do it too.' I sighed--or I chose to -let him think I did--'I might have been drowned.' - -"'That's true--you might.' He looked at me hard, and I believe there -was a twinkle in his eyes. But as I looked right past him, far across -the water, and he saw that I was serious, I think that it went no -further. 'Look here, Miss Whitby----' - -"'You're not to call me Miss Whitby, Charlie!' - -"'Very well, I won't. Look here, young person----' - -"'And you're not to call me young person either. I'm not a young -person.' - -"'Then look here, old chap----' - -"'Charlie Mason, if you call me old chap I'll get out of the boat this -instant!' - -"'That's right. Do.' He pretended to wait for me to get out. I was not -so absurd. He went on: 'I don't know if you're aware that it's easier -to learn rowing with one scull than with two?' - -"'How was I to know that? No one ever told me. Nobody takes sufficient -interest in me to tell me anything.' - -"'If you had betrayed the slightest sign of desiring the information I -would have taken sufficient interest in you to tell you that. I came -out here to have a dip. I have had half of it. During the interval, -before I have the other half, I shall have pleasure in imparting to -you that instruction for which your soul professes to yearn.' I had -said nothing about my soul, or about yearning either; I am not so -profane. He pointed to the seat behind me. 'Get on to that seat and -sit in the middle.' - -"'You must take the boat to shore first. You know how strongly I -object to changing places while the boat is in the middle of the -river; it does make it wobble so.' - -"'Is the teacher to obey or to be obeyed? Execute my commands!' - -"I 'executed his commands,' and the boat did not turn over. Charlie -moved on to the seat which I had occupied. He showed me his back. - -"'Do as I do.' - -"I did as he did, or I tried to. He put one of the oars in its place -in the water without the slightest difficulty. I did not find it by -any means so easy. - -"'May I ask, before we proceed any further, if it is your intention to -knock me overboard?' He said that simply because I happened to hit him -with my oar as I was lifting it. The thing would not go right. I -daresay that I did knock him two or three times, but there was really -no necessity why he should make a fuss, as he did do. 'Is your scull -having a row with you, or are you having a row with it? What is the -matter?' - -"Thank you, nothing is the matter." - -"I scorned to complain. - -"'I'm glad to learn it; I hate to hear of people falling out. Now, are -you all right?' - -"'I am perfectly right.' - -"He glanced round to inspect me. - -"'Yes, you look perfectly right. You've got your scull the wrong way -round.' I turned the thing. 'Now you've got it upside down.' - -"'What do you mean? You don't mean to tell me that the other end ought -to be in the water?' - -"'No, I don't mean to tell you quite that, but I do mean to tell you -that you ought to hold it so that the hollow part of the blade looks -in front of you. It's an elementary fact, but it is a fact.' I turned -the thing again. 'Suppose you put three or four feet more of it out of -the boat. As you're holding it at present a good part of your scull -seems to run to handle.' I pushed some more of the thing through the -place they call the rowlock. 'I didn't tell you to put the whole of it -out of the boat; it's just as well to keep something to catch hold of, -if only for the look of the thing. If you observe, there's a strip of -leather round the scull. That strip of leather marks the point where -the scull is supposed to rest in the rowlock. That's better. Your -hands are wrong; shift them. Hold your scull as I am holding mine.' - -"It was all very well of him to talk like that, but it was most -unfair, besides being ridiculous. His hands are, at least, twice as -large as mine; he could get right hold of his oar, while I could -scarcely get hold of mine at all. But I declined to argue. - -"'Now, when I say "pull," pull. And it's about time that somebody did -begin to pull, or very shortly we shall be aground. Now, pull!' - -"For some reason, I don't know what, the boat began to turn right -round. Charlie immediately stopped rowing. I had never begun. Of -course, at once Charlie tried to be funny. - -"'I see the progress of this boat is going to be conducted on the -tee-to-tum principle. May I ask why you didn't pull?' - -"'Because I couldn't.' - -"'Why couldn't you?' - -"'Because I couldn't get my oar out of the water.' - -"'So I should imagine. There appears to be six feet more of it in the -water than there ought to be. This is not intended to be a lesson in -punting. In punting one desires to feel the bed of the river; you and -I do not want to get quite so deep.' - -"'I wish you wouldn't laugh at me.' - -"'My dear May, nothing can be further from my thoughts. How could I -dare? Let us try again. Before making our second effort I should, -perhaps, tell you that it is advisable to put your scull in just deep -enough to cover the blade, and then to pull it steadily out again. -There's no hurry. Take your time; there's no fear of our going ashore -just yet. At present we look more like crossing the river. Now, are -you ready. When I say the word--pull!' - -"Again the boat began to turn. - -"'Charlie, I cannot get my oar out of the water. I'm not as strong as -a horse.' - -"He looked at me and laughed. I could have laughed, only I was afraid -of crying; it was so vexing to feel one was so stupid. - -"'When I was a small boy and I first started to row I couldn't get my -oar out of the water, except when I didn't want to, and then it came -out too easily. See, May, I'll keep the boat straight, and you have -one or two shots at paddling.' - -"I had what he called 'one or two shots at paddling,' that is, I just -dipped my oar into the water and pulled. I began to feel that I was -getting the hang of the thing--Charlie's own words. I saw that it was -going to be much harder than I had ever imagined, but I did not mind -that, because, as I say, I did feel that I was getting on. - -"'Now,' said Charlie, 'I'll paddle.' - -"Directly he began to paddle the boat began to turn. - -"'What makes the boat go round?' - -"'It's because you don't pull strong enough. If two persons don't pull -equally--that is, together, and with equal strength--the boat is bound -to turn.' - -"When he said that I made up my mind that I would pull stronger; the -boat should not go round. So I shut my eyes and clenched my teeth and -I pulled with all my might, and before I knew what had happened, I was -in the water! - -"Charlie says that I caught a crab. He says, in my haste and my -excitement--I didn't know I was excited, but I suppose I must have -been--I did not put the oar into the water at all; I pulled with all -my might at the vacant air. I know that I fell backwards off my seat, -and that I made a wild grab at anything and everything, and that the -boat went over. - -"I never shall forget it. The water got into my ears and eyes and nose -and mouth, and I thought that I never should stop going down. Then, -all of a sudden, I found myself on the surface again, with the sky -above me and Charlie's arm about my waist. - -"Keep still," he said. - -I did keep still; he says I did keep still. He says himself that I -behaved like a regular trump. I do declare to you, mamma, that I never -felt the least bit uneasy directly I felt Charlie's arm round my -waist. Wasn't it strange? - -"'You won't let me drown, Charlie, will you?' - -"That was all I said. - -"'Not if I know it. It's all right, May; we're going shares in the -other half of my dip, that's all. I'll take you ashore as easy as -winking.' - -"I don't know exactly what it was I said, but I believe that I said -some absurd thing about that, if I was drowned, he would know that I -loved him. But I do know that he kissed me, then and there, while he -was holding me up for dear life, in the middle of the river. - -"I never fainted till we got ashore, and then I only just dropped off. -Charlie carried me right off to my bedroom, and there was a fine -to-do. But I wasn't going to stop in bed--not I. I just changed my -clothes and went straight downstairs to breakfast, and, after -breakfast, I went for another row. And I went for another after lunch, -and I got on first rate. Charlie declares that, with practice, I shall -make as good an oarswoman as you would care to see; and, after we are -married, he's going to teach me swimming--so he says. - -"But we're not married yet." - - - - - Outside! - -Stacey-Lumpton wanted to go in a cab. I said that a 'bus was good -enough for me. He looked me up and down as if I were some inferior -kind of animal. - -"I'll pay for the cab." - -That settled it. I told him that I could not think of allowing such a -thing. He brushed a speck of dust off the silk facings of his -frockcoat. Then, with his pocket-handkerchief, he brushed the top of -one of the fingers of his lemon-coloured kid gloves--where it had -touched his coat. - -"But I've never travelled in an omnibus." - -"In that case it'll be a new sensation, and a new sensation's -everything! Read the daily paper--it's the salt of life." - -"But all sorts of extraordinary people travel in an omnibus!" - -"I should rather think they do. Why, the very last time I was on one -the Archbishop of Canterbury sat on the seat in front of me, the Duke -of Devonshire was on my right, a person high in favour at Marlborough -House was just behind, while there was no one below the rank of a -baronet in sight." - -He looked at me, as he fumbled for his eyeglass, as if he thought -I might be getting at him. Before he could make up his mind a -"Walham Green" came lumbering towards us. Stopping it, I hustled -Stacey-Lumpton into the road before he in the least understood what -was happening. - -"Now then, look alive! Here's the very 'bus we want! Jump up!" - -I assisted him on to the step. He made as if to go inside. I twisted -him towards the stairs. He remonstrated. - -"My dear fellow, I really must beg of you to allow me to get inside -this omnibus." - -"Nonsense. You'll be crushed to death, besides being suffocated alive. -There's plenty of room outside. Up you toddle." - -I don't know about toddling, but urged, no doubt, to an appreciable -degree by the pressure which I exercised from behind, he did begin to -mount the stairs gingerly one by one. I followed him. When he was near -the top I sang out to the conductor. - -"All right!" The conductor stamped his foot. The 'bus started. Then, -to Stacey-Lumpton, "Hold tight!" - -He held tight just in time. He seemed surprised. "Good gracious! I -almost tumbled! The omnibus has started! Tell him to stop at once, I'm -falling!" - -"Not you. The police won't allow them to stop more than a certain -time. They're bound to keep on moving. Shove along." - -"This is most dangerous. I'm not used to this kind of thing. And the -roof seems full." - -"There are two empty seats in front there, just behind the -driver--move on." - -He moved on after a fashion of his own. He seemed to find the task of -preserving his equilibrium, and at the same time of steering his way -between the two rows of occupied garden seats, a little difficult. He -struck one man upon the head. He seized a lady by her bonnet. He all -but thrust the point of his umbrella into another person's eye. He -grabbed an old gentleman by the collar of his coat. This method of -proceeding tended to make him popular. - -"Driver!" exclaimed the old gentleman whom Stacey-Lumpton had grabbed, -slightly mistaking the situation, "This person is drunk. He ought not -to be allowed in such a condition on an omnibus." - -Stacey-Lumpton was too confused to remonstrate. He went floundering -on. Presently he kicked against a box which a gentleman of the coster -class had placed beside himself on the roof. In trying to recover -himself he brought his hand down pretty heavily on its owner's hat. -Said owner lost no time in calling his attention to the thing which he -had done. - -"Where do you think you're a-coming to? I shouldn't be surprised but -what you thought this 'bus was made for you. You do that again and -I'll send you travelling, and don't you seem to forget it neither." - -Stacey-Lumpton had reached a vacant seat at last. I sat beside him. -Immediately behind us was the coster. He had taken off his hat and was -lovingly examining it. It was an ancient billycock, which had been in -somebody's family for several generations. A friend accompanied him. - -"If I was you, Jimmy," observed his friend, "I should make that cove -pay for your 'at." - -"Make 'im pay for it? He ain't got no money. Do 'e look as though 'e -'ad?" - -"Well, I should make 'im give yer 'is 'at for yourn. He's bashed your -'at in, ain't 'e?" - -Jimmy acted on the hint. Leaning forward, he thrust his reminiscence -of a head-covering under Stacey-Lumpton's nose. - -"I say, I don't know if you know that you've bashed my 'at in, -guv'nor?" - -Stacey-Lumpton raised his fingers to his nostrils. - -"Take it away, sir--horribly smelling thing." - -"Wot are you calling a 'orribly smelling thing? Wot would you say if I -was to bash your 'at in?" - -"I should bash it in if I was you, Jimmy." - -"So I will if 'e don't look out, and so I tell 'im." - -The gentleman whose coat had been grabbed still seemed unappeased, and -still seemed labouring under a misapprehension. - -"Persons who are in an intoxicated condition ought not to be allowed -on public conveyances." I turned to Stacey-Lumpton. - -"I don't know if you are aware that you almost pulled that gentleman's -coat off his back?" - -The old gentleman's observations, although addressed to no one in -particular, had been audible to all. Twisting himself round in his -seat, Stacey-Lumpton proceeded to explain. - -"I hope, sir, I didn't hurt you." - -The coster chose to take this remark as being addressed to him. - -"But you 'urt my 'at! I give fourpence for that 'at not three months -ago. 'Ow d'yer suppose I'm going to keep myself in 'ats?" - -"If I have been so unfortunate as to damage your hat, sir, I shall be -happy to present you with the sum of fourpence with which to provide -yourself with another." - -Jimmy's friend highly approved of this suggestion. He immediately -proceeded to embellish it with an addition of his own. - -"That's right. You give 'im fourpence and you give me fourpence. -That's what I call be'aving like a gentleman." - -Stacey-Lumpton failed quite to follow the line of reasoning. - -"Why should I give you fourpence?" - -"Why? Because I asks for it. I suppose you can 'ear me. You bashes in -my friend's 'at, and I'm 'is friend, and we shares and shares alike. -As you treats 'im you treats me. Ain't that right, Jimmy?" Jimmy said -it was. - -"Quite right, 'Enery--it's quite right. If the gentleman is a -gentleman 'e'll give us fourpence apiece--both the two of us. 'E looks -a gentleman, don't 'e? 'Is 'at wasn't never bought for fourpence--no, -nor for three fourpences neither." - -A feminine voice was heard in the rear. It was the lady Stacey-Lumpton -had seized by the bonnet; she seemed to have been nursing a grievance. - -"And what about me? I suppose it doesn't matter anything at all about -me. Oh dear no! I have had my bonnet tore almost off my head, and my -hair too, but, of course, I am nobody. If a drunken wretch was to -handle some wives some husbands would want to know the reason why. But -if I was to be thrown right off the omnibust, and trampled under foot, -my husband would sit still and never say a word--oh dear no!" - -The husband in question appeared to be a stout individual who, seated -by the lady's side, leaned his chin on the handle of an umbrella. He -seemed to consider that the remark was, at least, partially addressed -to him. - -"It was only an accident, Eliza." - -"Oh, of course, it was only an accident. Whenever anyone insults me it -always is an accident. Some husbands wouldn't say it was an accident, -but I have to look after myself, I have." She immediately proceeded to -do it. Raising her voice she addressed herself to Stacey-Lumpton. -"Young man, I don't know if you happen to be aware that you've -scrunched my new bonnet out of shape, and drove a hairpin through my -head. Is that the way you always get on omnibuses?" - -Stacey-Lumpton was all apologies. - -"I beg ten thousand pardons, madam, but the fact is I am not -accustomed to travelling on an omnibus, and I'm afraid----" - -"Fares, please." The conductor came along cutting the apologies short. -"Your fare if you please, sir." - -"What is the fare?" - -"Arf a crown." - -This was Jimmy's friend. - -"Where are you going?" - -This was the conductor. I explained. - -"We want a pennyworth." I turned to Stacey-Lumpton. "I have no -coppers. Have you got twopence?" - -He produced a sovereign purse. - -"Have you change for a sovereign?" - -This to the conductor, and the conductor was contemptuous. - -"Change for a sovereign! I haven't got change for no sovereign, unless -you like to take it all in coppers." - -"Take change for a sovereign in coppers? What do you suppose I should -do with a sovereign's worth of coppers?" - -"I don't know nothing at all about it. I've got to do with 'em, -haven't I? Twopence, please!" - -Jimmy's friend interposed. - -"You 'and me over the sovering. I'll change it. I got -sevenpence-'apenny," - -Jimmy chorussed. - -"And I dessay I could make it up to a bob, and then we'll take our two -'ats out of it, and then we'll give yer wot's left next time we sees -yer--eh, 'Enery?" - -The driver, turning his head, nodded to his colleague. - -"That's all right, Tom. You give the gentlemen their tickets. I'll see -you get your twopence. The gentlemen can owe it me." He gave his whip -an artistic twirl. "I've known myself what it's like to have a -sovereign and no change to be had--ah, and more than a sovereign, -though you mightn't think it to see me here." - -Not feeling inclined to be indebted to an omnibus driver for the loan -of twopence, I suddenly discovered that I had two coppers. The -conductor retired. There was an interval of silence--spent, I imagine, -by Stacey-Lumpton in endeavouring to smooth his ruffled plumage. -Presently Jimmy's friend began again: - -"I say, Jimmy, how about our fourpences?" - -"That's what I say. Guv'nor, 'ow about our fourpences? I ain't seen no -fourpence." - -I tendered Stacey-Lumpton a word of advice. - -"If you are wise you will give them nothing." - -"I don't intend to." - -"Oh, you don't, don't you? Well, that's 'andsome! Now, supposing I -bash in your 'at?" All at once he made a fresh discovery. "If 'e ain't -smashed the blooming box!" He picked up from beside him the box which -Stacey-Lumpton had kicked against. "Smashed it right in--straight, 'e -'as! Well, there's a thing to do!" He thrust the box in question -between Stacey-Lumpton and myself. "Look 'ere there's bloaters in -that box." We did not need his word to make us conscious of that fact. -The perfume was enough. Stacey-Lumpton recognised that this was so -with, on his face, an expression of speechless horror. "You've busted -in the box and spiled the lot of 'em. Who's going to buy bruised -bloaters, I'd like to know? I don't mind my 'at so much, but when it -comes to bloaters--they're my living." - -An interposition from the lady whose bonnet had been "scrunched." - -"Parties like him think no more of taking the bread out of the mouths -of the struggling poor than if they was insecks!" - -Her husband seemed to think the remark slightly uncalled for. - -"That's you, Eliza, all over. You must put your spoke in everybody's -wheel. You can't keep quiet, can you?" - -"It's as well some of us are like that. Some of us would keep quiet -till we was dead. I'm not that sort, I thank goodness." - -A gentleman on the seat on the other side of the driver, leaning -towards me, proffered a suggestion--his accent was distinctly nasal. - -"If I vas your vriend I vould gif him a gopper or two to keep him -quiet." - -At last Stacey-Lumpton found his voice. - -"Take that horrible thing away, man." - -"'Orrible thing! Wot are you calling a 'orrible thing? Everythink's a -'orrible thing accordink to you. Don't you come trying no toffs over -me, my funny bloke, or you'll soon know." - -Thereupon something happened which I had not expected, and which, I am -pretty sure, Jimmy had not expected either. Stacey-Lumpton took that -box of bloaters in his kid-gloved hands, and in another moment it was -lying in the road. He had thrown it overboard. What immediately ensued -may be described as larks. I had not anticipated anything of that kind -when I had suggested that we should ride outside. Jimmy "went for" -Stacey-Lumpton with a full-mouthed imprecation. - -"He's took my bloaters ... his eyes!!!" - -The driver pulled up. "Now then! now then! what's all this? Might I -just inquire? Some of you'll get hurt, you know." - -Stacey-Lumpton rose from his seat. He turned. He lifted Jimmy off his -feet. Jimmy was one of those half-grown coster lads who in London may -be regarded as common objects of the sea-shore. His opponent was twice -his size and he was an athlete, although he was a "toff." Lowering -Jimmy, in spite of his frantic struggles, over the side of the -omnibus, he dropped him on to the street. 'Enery, who also evinced -symptoms of violence, went by the same route after his friend. -Stacey-Lumpton tossed a sovereign after them. - -"Provide yourselves with another box of bloaters and a new hat out of -that, my men." - -But Jimmy was not to be appeased. His honour had been wounded in its -most tender place. Tossing his injured billycock into the mud, he -began to tear his coat off his back. - -"Come down! Meet me like a man!" - -The driver played the part of peacemaker. - -"Don't be silly, my lad! The gentleman could swallow you! Pick up your -sovereign. You'll never see as much money in your life again." He -started his horses. "Good-bye, my little dears. If I was you I'd have -a bloater each for tea." - -When, having arrived at the end of his first 'bus drive, -Stacey-Lumpton found himself on solid ground again, he delivered -himself of a sententious observation: - -"I fancy that some of the passengers on that omnibus were beneath the -rank of a baronet." - -I agreed with him. I thought it possible that they were. - -Not that I think much of a baronet either. - - - - - * * * * * - - _W. Brendon and Son, Printers, Plymouth_. - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Frivolities, by Richard Marsh - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FRIVOLITIES *** - -***** This file should be named 40454-8.txt or 40454-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/4/5/40454/ - -Produced by Charles Bowen, from page scans provided by -Google Books (Oxford University) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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