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diff --git a/40626-8.txt b/40626-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index f50669b..0000000 --- a/40626-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1768 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, -December 24, 1887, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, December 24, 1887 - -Author: Various - -Release Date: August 30, 2012 [EBook #40626] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - - - - -Produced by Wayne Hammond, Malcolm Farmer and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - - PUNCH, - OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - - VOL. 93. - - DECEMBER 24, 1887 - - - THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. - - FROM OLD MORALITY. - - "_Here comes a young fellow of excellent pith, - Fate tried to conceal him by naming him_ SMITH." - - _Henley, Saturday._ - - DEAR TOBY, AHOY! - -Where are _you_ bound? Haul on the bowline; brace up amidships; sling -your hammock; belay all hands and stand by ready to pounce. - -Excuse this little outburst. The fact is, I am about to cut for awhile -landlubber associations, and am going cruising in my _Pandora's_ box, or -rather berth. My sea lingo is getting a little rusty, so I practise it -wherever I have an opportunity, and thought you wouldn't mind my making -one with you. I am going off to spend Christmas and New Year's time at -Pau. You've heard of Pau, of course? I was first attracted to the place -by coming across the beautiful line from GOLDSMITH--or was it BACON? - - "Or by the lazy Scheldt or wandering Pau." - -I'm not at all drawn towards the Scheldt. I never was lazy myself, and -have no sympathy with laziness in others. But it is different with Pau, -don't you know. I have been tied to the desk too long. I had a heavy -time of it during the Parliamentary Session. They used to chaff me about -being "on the pounce." It is all very well, but the attitude is one -which, preserved through successive nights, becomes exhausting. I have -had enough of it, and feel a strong desire to wander. The Pau is -wandering. Why should we not wander together, arm in arm as it were? -Anyhow, I mean to try. So bear a hand with your lee-scuppers; haul -round the mainmast, up with your hatches, and keep the helm hard down on -the South-West-by-East-Half-East. I have pounced enough on the -Parnellites. Now I shall pounce on Pau. - -I feel the necessity for taking a good rest, for I know we are going to -have it pretty stiff next Session. B-LF-R, who is getting more cocky -than ever, goes about comforting us with assurances that he will make -matters smooth. "Is there anyone particular you can't abear?" he said to -me only yesterday, with an annoying air of patronage. "Is there anyone -of the Irish Members you would like put out of the way for the earliest -and freshest months of the Session? If so, name your man, and I'll -oblige you. I have got six of 'em lagged now, and there's a clear six -weeks before Parliament meets. It's amazing how we can smooth the way by -then." - -I don't altogether like this solicitude on the part of B-LF-R for making -smooth water in the House next Session. There is a persistent rumour -about that he thinks he can lead the House better than anyone else, and -that the Markiss is inclined to humour him. He has never said this in -private conversation with me, though he has not made any attempt to -disguise his conviction that he could take charge of the Army, the Navy, -the Home Office, the Board of Trade, or even the Exchequer. Now I come -to think of it, he may, in talking to G-SCH-N, leave out reference to -the Exchequer, and substitute the Leadership of the House of Commons, -and so with the others. I should certainly like to see him in my place -for a week, with GR-ND-LPH on the corner of the bench behind. It is true -that of late GR-ND-LPH has considerably flattened down. Having found -that impudence and caprice don't pay, he is going in for dulness and -respectability. But I fancy the sight of ARTH-R B-LF-R leading the -House, and trying to lead him, would be too much. The swept and -garnished place would be reoccupied, and his last state would be worse -than his first. B-LF-R can't very well send him to a plank bed, and will -have to make the best of him. - -I rather fancy GR-ND-LPH must know, or think he knows, something about -this little plot for promoting the nephew, which accounts for his latest -impertinence. "And what title do you mean to take when you go to the -House of Lords, H. W.?" he asked me the other day. (He always calls me -"H. W." which he thinks is an improvement upon DIZZY'S hesitation as to -the sequence of the initials.) "How would Baron BOOKSTALL suit?" he -added, trying to look harmless. That only shows the inherent vulgarity -which underlies the thin veneer of his sometime courtly manner. I never -forget what the Markiss once said about him. "Scratch R-ND-LPH -CH-RCH-LL," said he, "and you'll find TIM H-LY," which I thought at the -time was a little hard on T-M. - -You will not, I trust, dear TOBY, take it for granted that I am -contemplating a near removal to the House of Lords, if I confess that I -_have_ sometimes thought over the title I should assume if my duty to my -country led me to change my state. I belong, as you know, to one of the -oldest families among mankind. It's all very well for BR-SS-Y to talk -about coming over with the Conqueror. We came in with the Flood, or -shortly after. TUBAL CAIN, the founder of our family, was a century or -two before BOIS DE GUILBERT, FRONT-DE-BOEF, or even the SIEUR DE -BRESCI. What do you think of Lord TUBAL-CAIN? Would you recognise in -that stately and ermined peer, TUBAL-CAIN, of Henley, your old friend of -217, Strand? I wis not. But that, as GL-DST-NE says, belongs to the dim -and distant future. I beg to move that the question be now put. Oars! -Steady, there! Pull away! - - Yours, sheer off, - W. H. SM-TH. - - * * * * * - -ROSES IN DECEMBER. - -SIR,--Strange as it may appear to you, Sir, as a London playgoer, I had -never seen _The Two Roses_ till last night. How this "celebrated comedy" -ever acquired its celebrity is, I confess, beyond me, for the plot is -poor, and in the dialogue there is nothing quotable, though the phrase, -"a little cheque," forces itself on one's memory by frequent iteration. -You, Sir, saw it with its original cast, and I take it that a play of -this sort requires certain surroundings to insure its immediate success, -just as a rich joke, when deprived of its original accidental -accessories, is found to be a very poor joke, or no joke at all. This -play by Mr. ALBERY I should have thought would have been, as Dr. SAMUEL -JOHNSON might have said, Al-bery'd and forgotten long ago. Yet it -lives,--at all events, it has been revived. - -A Manager does not revive a piece which was not originally produced at -his theatre without some pretty good reason for so doing. He must, at -least, be fairly confident of its attractive powers as, at all events, a -remunerative stop-gap; and I am informed that this piece has been -revived, once before, by Mr. HENRY IRVING at the Lyceum. This is ancient -history to you, Sir. After the revival, and the unwonted exercise of a -long run (did it have a long run?), I should have supposed that there -could not have been much life left in it. Yet apparently there is. The -acting is, on the whole, good, and some of it very good. WILLIAM FARREN, -one of the best of English players, makes all that is to be made (as it -seems to me, who did not see Mr. IRVING) out of _Digby Grand_, Mr. -GIDDENS is an excellent blind _Caleb_ (a very clever actor must be Mr. -GIDDENS), and Mr. DAVID JAMES simply is "Our Mr. JENKINS." MAUDE MILLETT -is pretty and graceful, and the whole entertainment entertaining. But -still, how it ever became a celebrated comedy-- - - "Well, that I cannot tell," said he, - "But _t'was_ a famous Comedy." - -And by crammed houses it is, I hear, being fully appreciated. Indeed, I -should only say, judging by this Criterion on the night I was present, -it is in for another long run. Yours, LITTLE PETERKIN. - - * * * * * - -SHAKSPEARE UP AGAIN.--A Baconian writes to ask if there isn't sufficient -proof of SHAKSPEARE'S affinity to BACON in Ham let alone? - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: WORTH CULTIVATING.] - - * * * * * - -_Ex-Premier sings_:-- - - My name's WILLIAM GLADSTONE, I live at fair Harwarden, - I'm Welshman at heart; this gold-find in North Wales - At the Gwynfynydd Mine I do trust will bring fortune - To all who are born 'midst these mountains and vales. - Yes, indeed, and all places, though foreign and beautiful, - This brave little country I prize far above; - For indeed in my heart I do love the Principality, - And you, JENNY JONES, too, in truth I do love. - - For fifty long years I've ploughed Politics' ocean, - And served my full time in the gallant State-ship; - And indeed, goodness knows, I've braved many engagements, - And many dark storms 'twixt the cup and the lip, - I've tried all the parties now, Tory, Whig, Radical, - Smiled on each in its turn, as to win me each strove; - But I said in my heart, little Wales I love chiefly, - And sweet JENNY JONES, too, in truth I do love! - - I agree with PARNELL, and the Lord Mayor of Dublin, - In loving fair Erin, of Islands the Queen; - And having worn Blue, Buff, and Red in succession, - I can't see much harm in now wearing the Green. - But not e'en Hibernia, the sweet and the sorrowful, - Like you, my dear charmer, my passion can move; - For, indeed, in my heart I love "gallant little Wales," I do; - And sweet JENNY JONES, too, in truth I do love! - - I parted long since from the home of my fathers, - And then JENNY JONES was a dowerless lass; - But now I'm a grey and storm-beaten old mariner, - To wealth, she, through brave PRITCHARD-MORGAN, shall pass. - May Gold--and Home Rule--bring you wealth and contentment, - And ne'er from my Party, my dear, may you rove: - For indeed in our hearts we all love Wales tremendously, - And you, JENNY JONES, dear, till death will I love! - - [_Left philandering._ - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "WHERE ARE THE POLICE?!" - -MRS. HOWTHDOWN AND HER DAUGHTERS, WHO ARE IN TOWN FOR THE CATTLE-SHOW, -ARE DISGUSTED BY THE AGGRESSIVE VULGARITY OF THE LONDON STREET-BOY, AND -THINK IT OUGHT TO BE "PUT A STOP TO"! - -_Juvenile Baked Potato Vendor (to Crossing-Sweeper)._ "'SAY, BILL, 'ERE -Y'ARE! THEM'LL BE FUST AND SECOND PRIZE, AND 'IGHLY COMMENDED!!"] - - * * * * * - -A VISIT TO "THE LICENSED VISTLERS." - -In the Winter Exhibition of the Royal Society of British Artists, who, -under their distinguished President, JAMES MCNEILE WHISTLER, may now be -known as the "Licensed Vistlers," there is some good work, and -especially two sketches, 77, 83, and 335, by JAMES HAYLLAR, R.B.A.; 319, -by H. G. GLINDON, R.B.A.; SIMMONS'S "_Sunrise_," 330; SOLOMON'S; 454, -Professor GARTZ (pretty subject); 458, by HENLEY, R.B.A.; 466, by -WALTERS, R.B.A. - -There is a remarkable picture of, apparently, A Serious Masher, which -turns out to be a portrait of Mr. WILLARD, the actor who so cleverly -impersonates modern stage villains as to be known as "Willinous -WILLARD," by SIDNEY STARR, R.B.A. Artistic STARR painting Theatrical -Star; quite right. No. 293 is a sorry sight--the picture of a nice -portly young man trying to look like Lord ROSEBERY, but with the dye -coming off his hair in evident patches. Very clever effect this, by -THEODORE ROUSSEL, R.B.A. - -Go and see No. 341, by WILLIAM STOTT, of Oldham, R.B.A.,--a name that -sounds quite Shakspearian, like "Goodman Puff of Barson,"--and give -yourself three guesses at what W. S. of Oldham means by it. It -represents a very carotty-haired young woman, looking pale as a -turnip--"white flesh," as the gardeners say--taking a bathe in the sea -when no one is looking, and where police regulations are not in force. -She is so tallowy in face and flesh colour, and her hair so flaming red, -that the title might be, "_A 'Dip' in the Sea_." Well, this is WILLIAM -STOTT of Oldham's "_Venus_;" and if you'll turn to No. 183, you will see -the same young person, looking none the better for her bath, clothed, -with carrots dressed, and neatly bound up, sitting pensively -_chez-elle_, probably regretting her recent escapade, and hoping that no -one has seen her. Little does she know that WILLIAM STOTT of Oldham has -stotted her down in his note-book. 326, "_Hard Hit_," by R. J. GORDON, -R.B.A., is clever; but the meaning of its title, as illustrated by a -weeping woman flinging herself across the knees of a drunken-looking -man, is not quite clear. Has he hit her hard, and is that why she is so -distressed? or has his head received a nasty thwack, as indicated by the -white hat, lying on the table, twisted out of all shape? - -At the end of the Catalogue is printed a list of the prices, from which -it will be seen what value the artists themselves set on their own -pictures. The President of the Licensed Vistlers exhibits only twenty -pictures, sixteen of which have no price affixed to them in the list, -and are therefore evidently gems, and priceless. - - * * * * * - -Founded on Fact. - -A large lot of ornithologists assembled the other day at Mr. J. C. -STEVENS'S Auction Rooms to attend the sale of an egg of the Great Auk--a -seafowl, 'ARRY, not a falcon. Great Auks' eggs are precious. This one -was knocked down to an enthusiastic gentleman for 160 guineas. Some -years ago two eggs of a Great Auk, sold, of course, by auktion, fetched, -respectively, 100 and 200 guineas, although both broken, and that before -they were knocked down. Surely the Great Auk must have been the original -bird signified in tradition under the name of the legendary goose that -laid the golden eggs. - - * * * * * - -The Premier of the French Cabinet may be well described as "_Nulli -Secundus_." He is second to nobody, for the President is Nobody--to -speak of. - - * * * * * - -FURNISHING FICTIONISTS. - -In the _Atalanta Magazine_, for this month, (which by its title, should -be ahead of all competitors until the _homme à la pomme_ appears) Mr. -WALTER BESANT has an article "On the writing of Novels," in which he -offers his advice to young girls afflicted with irrepressible -scribblemania,--_i.e._ "girls who try to write stories, and burn to -write novels,"--as to the best and easiest means of attaining their -object. _Advice gratis_ is, as we all know, of the gratis't value, and -Mr. BESANT offers his two penn'orth-of-"all-sorts and conditions," to -embryonic authoresses, but had _Mr. Punch_ been dealing with these dear -little literary aspirants, he would have simply repeated his world-famed -epigrammatic advice to "persons about to marry," and said, most -unequivocally, to girls about to write novels--"Don't." Not so Mr. -BESANT, who proceeds to lay down rules for those "who wish to acquire -the art of fiction." He commences with, "_Practise writing, something -original everyday_,"--"_Cultivate the habit of observation_," and so on, -in good old-fashioned copy-book style. - -We will assist him with some rules for those to whom Mr. W. BESANT gives -this advice: "Be bold: never mind ridicule," ... "State fairly, what -ordinary people never understand, that Fiction, like Painting, is an -Art, and that you are setting yourself to the acquisition of that Art, -if it be in your power, whatever may come of it in the end." - -Very good. Now here is, as the Cookery books have it, "Another and a -shorter way." - -_To acquire the Art of Fiction._--Clearly understand that Fiction is the -opposite of Fact. If you invariably state facts, you become a -matter-of-fact sort of person. No Genius is a matter-of-fact sort of -person. So to "acquire the Art of Fiction," _you must never tell the -truth. Practice telling some original lie every day._ If it be a -description of scenery--well, this offers a large field--several large -fields. Give an account to your relatives, or to your friends at a -distance of the walk you have taken in the morning. First of all, of -course, to be quite perfect, _you must not have been out of the house_. -You will then proceed to describe the roaring Waterfalls over which you -leaped, your hairbreadth escapes, &c., &c., and always remember that, as -Mr. BESANT says, "description is not slavish enumeration." - -RULE I.--_Tell a lie._ RULE II.--_Don't stick to it, but tell another, -and a bigger one._ Pile 'em up, and thus at last you may become an -unrivalled Fictionist. - -RULE III.--"_Work regularly, at certain hours._" Ascertain the time the -Lark rises, and be up with it. Always be up to time, and to any amount -of Larks. Let everybody in the house know you're at work. Sing as the -Lark does, and be joyous. Insist on your room being fitted up for -work,--at your parents' expense, of course,--with writing-desk, silver -inkstand, paper, pens, a library of books, &c., and you must let it be -distinctly understood by everyone that you are "not to be disturbed on -any account," as you are going in for being a Fictionist. - -RULE IV.--"Read no Rubbish," says Mr. BESANT. But this is what every -author would say, making certain exceptions. But we should say, "_Read -Everything_." _Then begin to write._ Here is an example: say you read -_Pickwick_. Well, you _write_ a book called _Nikpik_, a Russian story, -plot in St. Petersburg, characters, _Nikpik_, _Kinkel_, _Grazsnod_, and -_Putmann_. You represent a sporting scene where _Putmann_, with his eyes -shut, kills a bird, and afterwards _Kinkel_ wounds _Putmann_. "Hullo," -says the reader, "uncommonly like _Pickwick_, and writes impetuously and -indignantly to papers. Whereupon, you write in reply, saying "it may be -so: _les grands esprits se rencontrent_: but that you have never heard -of _Pickwick_, much less read it." By this time everyone will allow that -you are entitled to be regarded as the greatest Fictionist of the age. - -Other rules Mr. BESANT gives, for which anyone sufficiently interested -in detecting the errors of his advice _gratis_, may search the _Atalanta -Magazine_ with considerable profit to himself (or herself) especially if -he reads _A Christmas Carol_, by CHRISTINA G. ROSSETTI, and one tail of -_Three Lions_, by that undefeated Fictionist, Mr. RIDER HAGGARD. - - * * * * * - -OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -_Palindromes_, by G. R. CLARKE, is a series of cruelly ingenious verbal -cranks--"cranks" seems to be the word, since they are neither quips, -quirks, puns, nor jests, consisting of sentences so arranged that, read -backwards or forwards, they are precisely the same. An example of this -is, "_Was it a rat I saw?_" The illustrations are comically amateurish, -and amateurishly comic, but one of the best, "_Selim smiles_," is rather -in the early Thackerayan style of pictorial art. The palindromical -amusement will probably develop itself, as the acrostic family has done, -and we shall soon be reading in "Answers to Correspondents" that their -puzzle is referred to in "The Palindromical Editor." The little book is -published, as any experienced joker in Scotland might have guessed, by -Messrs. BRYCE AND SONS, Glasgow, and if you buy it, "Bang goes a -shilling." - -Approbation from _Mr. Punch_ is praise indeed, and where he has given -his favourable opinion of any book, it immediately attracts the public -attention, and goes to any number of editions. So has it chanced with -_Frith's Recollections_, which has now reached its third edition; and -once _Mr. Punch_ spoke well of the Jubilee Edition of _Pickwick_, which -has now been re-issued with some of the original sketches by "BUSS,"--to -many it will be a surprise that _Mr. Pickwick_ ever took a buss, except -under the mistletoe at Dingley Dell,--which are fairly clever, though -one of them, the cricketing scene, might have been omitted without -damaging the artistic character of the republication. There is a sketch -by JOHN LEECH, illustrating the moment in the _Bagman's Story_ when the -old arm-chair wakes up _Tom Smart_, and assumes the form and features of -a gouty, but wickedly sly, old gentleman, which alone is "worth all the -money." It is a real Christmas picture; and indeed a small volume of -_Tales from Pickwick_, illustrated by fanciful and humorous artists, -would make a capital Christmas Book of the good old Dickensian sort. -_Mr. Punch_ has given the hint: _fiat!_ - -By the way, I see an advertisement of a book quoting opinions of the -Press as to its being "the funniest book of the present reign." Heavens! -It is only necessary to mention _Pickwick_, which is replete with such -real fun, as makes the reader roar with laughter irrepressible, besides -being full of genuine humour. BARON DE BOOK WORMS. - - * * * * * - -"I believe," said Mrs. R.'S nephew, meditatively, "that Paris will have -a 'Directory' again." "Why not?" retorted Mrs. RAM. "Why shouldn't Paris -have a Directory? London has--_Kelly's Directory_--and most useful it -is!" - - * * * * * - -THE LAY OF LAWRENCE MOOR! - -A TRUE STORY. - - Four brave men set sail from Whalsey, - In their open fishing-smack, - Four strong fellows left the Shetlands, - Only one at last came back. - Hearken how the wind is howling, - Close the curtains; shut the door, - Whilst I tell the splendid story - Of a sailor--LAWRENCE MOOR! - - Never yet has such a tempest, - Screamed around the Shetland homes, - Dealing death and devastation - Where the northern sailor roams. - Snow and hail in blinding fury, - Swept o'er forest, field and lea, - Deaf seemed Heaven to the praying - For the brave men out at sea! - - Far at sea! four plucky fellows - Bending back and straining oar, - Hidden each from each in tempest, - That had blotted out the shore! - All at once the skipper steering, - Cheering, shouting--look ahead! - Heard a moan, his best companion - Fell in arms of duty--dead! - - "For the love of home and Heaven, - Brave it out as I will do." - Shouts above the storm, the skipper, - Rallying his fainting crew, - "Let us pray, lads, all together, - Heaven may save us! Who can tell!" - But the prayer was scarcely uttered, - When another sailor fell! - - Two brave men--were left in silence-- - Whispering with shortened breath, - "Don't desert your pal," says LAWRENCE, - "Let us have it out with Death! - God has strength to still the waters, - We have pluck to keep afloat." - But the last man with a murmur, - Fell exhausted in the boat. - - "ANDREW! Laddie!"--Death don't answer. - "TOM, old pal!" the faintest sigh, - "Left me all alone then, have ye? - Well _I_ don't intend to die!" - Then he thought of home and children, - Back came mirrored waves of sin! - One lone man midst dead and dying, - Felt the water rushing in! - - One hand on the oar to steer her, - One hand free to hoist the sail, - When he called--no mate to answer, - Sinking now--no boy to bail; - Toiling hour on hour exhausted, - Captain of a ghastly bier! - Till at last the tempest lifted, - And he sighted Lerwick Pier. - - Home at last! the plucky sailor, - Home to children and to wife, - Home half dead to claim the honour, - That he'd saved _one_ brother's life, - Death defied! they found him kneeling, - Humbly on his cottage floor, - But they'll pass to time the story, - Of that Sailor--LAWRENCE MOOR! - - * * * * * - -IN THE NICK OF TIME.--His Excellency, the Chinese Minister, LEW CHUI -FUN, has left London for Paris, to present his credentials to President -CARNOT. At this festive season of Merry Christmas, Frenchmen of all -parties in politics will welcome such an Opportunist as FUN. - - * * * * * - -Shortly to be published, _The Life of Sims Reeves_, compiled from his -own notes. - - * * * * * - -PICCADILLY PLAYERS. - -[Illustration] - -A few evenings since, I assisted at a Members' Concert in Piccadilly, -where a very fair exhibition of Amateur Musical talent was displayed by -the "Strolling Players." The vocal part of the entertainment was -especially good, thanks to the really charming singing of the Misses -AGNES JANSON and HAMLIN. The geniuses in the Orchestra who are for all -time, and any tune, managed occasionally to get a little out of hand in -spite of Mr. NORFOLK MEGONE'S earnest conductorship. Taken all round, -"The First Members' Concert" was so good that I should not have the -smallest objection to attending the Second. - -_The Ancient Mariner_ with Mr. J. F. BARNETT'S brilliant music at St. -James's Hall last Thursday night, held entranced a large audience which -listened "like a three ears child" ("Had I three ears I'd hear thee," -says _Macbeth_. Did COLERIDGE write SHAKSPEARE?--however, this has -nothing much to do with the _cantata_, and so on we goes again)--so "the -Mariner hath his Will" (which is almost conclusive evidence that -COLERIDGE'S _Mariner_ was written by WILL SHAKSPEARE) and we were all -delighted. I hadn't a book. Who was ALBERT ROSS that the _Mariner_ shot? -Madame PATEY sang "_O Sleep, it is a Genteel Thing!_" (I think these -were the words) with great feeling and expression. Beautiful idea, -"sleep a genteel thing!" Somebody told me I was wrong, and that the poet -wrote, "_O Sleep, it is a Gentle Thing!_" which anybody could have said, -without being a poet. So I prefer my own version. The recitative -(SANTLEY) and chorus (Everybody), about "the coming wind did roar," and -something (I didn't catch what) was "like a sledge," and "the Moon was -on its side and then upon its edge," which sounds just what a harvest -moon would do after a good day's harvesting, were excellent. - -Then followed Mr. C. V. STANFORD'S Symphony in F Minor, "_The Irish_" as -my neighbour informed me, to which I replied, "Oh, indeed!" and -appeared, as I hope, much interested; though what he meant I haven't the -smallest idea. Who was my neighbour?--a very learned person who kept on -drawing my attention to the excellent instrumentation, and the admirable -use which the Composer had made of his "strings"--I didn't see that he -had any "strings," but I said, "Ah, yes,"--his "Wood-wind and Horns." -"Just observe his horns!" said my neighbour enthusiastically. He spoke -of Mr. C. V. STANFORD as if he were drawing the portrait of Ancient -Nicholas, as portrayed by CRUIKSHANK when illustrating _The Lay of S. -Médard_, in the _Ingoldsby Legends_. A Composer with Strings, Wood-wind -("comest thou with blasts from----" &c., as BACONSPEARE hath it) and -"horns" is the man to write a _cantata_ entitled "Herne the Hunter," and -I am not at all sure that there isn't a _Herne_ already in existence, -and that that Herne isn't His'n. After a pause (during which the -orchestra continued playing) my neighbour begged me to notice that now -the theme was, "Remember the glories of O'BRIEN the Brave," but at this -point not wishing to enter into a political discussion which might have -landed me in the police-station, I courteously, but firmly, wished him -good night, and having signified to everybody generally the extreme -pleasure I had derived from the entertainment provided by the Messrs. -NOVELLO AND EWER, I gracefully withdrew, and am, No Fellow, but Ewers -truly, THE CRICKET ON THE HARP. - -P.S.--_À propos_ of music, I cannot refrain from mentioning the -gathering of the _élite_ who recently collected together to do honour to -the talents of Mrs. DUTTON COOK. Madame ALBANI was in great force, and -the fair _bénéficiaire_ played with her customary grace and artistic -feeling, eliciting the invariable result of unbounded applause. It is to -be greatly regretted that the Public have not the opportunity of hearing -Mrs. DUTTON COOK more frequently. She is certainly in the first rank of -pianists and a sound musician. - - * * * * * - -"I hear," said Mrs. RAM, "that the Princess CHRISTIAN has written about -the _Margarine of Baireuth_. I like to hear of Royalty interesting -themselves in such matters. However," she added, "of course, they know -which side their Bread's buttered, and like the butter, whether at home -or abroad--that is, here or at Baireuth--to be of the very best. So do -I." - - * * * * * - -"THE CRAMOPHONE."--New invention for repeating any number of crams over -and over again. Useful to advertisers, quacks, &c., &c. - - * * * * * - -TOO CLEVER BY HALF. - - "Out of every thousand men in the Army there are now 815 of superior - education.... H.R.H. the Field-Marshal Commander-in-Chief has - directed Officers to use every means at their disposal to induce men - to improve their education in order to obtain the certificate - necessary for promotion."--_Daily Paper._ - -SCENE--_The Barrack Square of the Royal Irish Bengal Essex Highlanders -(Prince Christian of Schleswig-Holstein's Own). Members of the Regiment -assembling for Morning Parade. A Company falling in._ - -_Captain Dash (commanding A Company)._ Ready for inspection, Sergeant? - -_Sergeant Babington Macaulay (saluting)._ Directly, Sir. I have called -away the men from a discussion on the question of entail. - -_Captain_. Dear me! You should not have done that. I shall be only too -ready to assist them by any means in my power. - -_Sergeant._ Well, Sir, they are now in close order. If you wish, I will -open them out. (_Captain nods assent. To men._) Open order! [_Flank -files rear rank step back two paces._ - -_Corporal (dressing flank files)._ Steady! - -_Sergeant._ March! (_Remainder of rear rank step back._) Order arms! -Stand at ease! [_He salutes_ Captain, _and comes to attention_. - -_Captain._ 'Tention! (_Company springs up to desired position._) Now, my -men, I hear that some of you require to know something about the Law of -Entail. Now those of you who have taken any certificate from a -University can take a pace to the front. March! (_The entire Company -complies._) Dear me! You seem to be very well educated. Eh, Sergeant? - -_Sergeant._ Well, pretty well, Sir. We are not equal to E Company, -although we can hold our own fairly against B, C, D, F, and G. As for H -Company, it is out of the competition altogether. H Company is the best -read Company in the Battalion, if not in the Regiment. - -_Captain._ Well, what is the difficulty? Call out the man who started -the subject. Perhaps I may be able to help him. - -_Sergeant (salutes and turns to Company)._ Private THOMAS ATKINS take -three paces to your front. March! Now then, salute, Sir! (_Aside._) This -extra education makes them rusty with their drill. - -_Captain._ Well, Private ATKINS, can I help you at all? - -_Private Atkins (touching his rifle with his right hand)._ A thousand -thanks, Sir, for your extreme kindness and courtesy. Still I cannot -fairly monopolise all your attention, as I was only one of many desirous -of learning a little law. - -_Captain._ I suppose you know all about the Feudal System? - -_Private (smiling)._ I can safely undertake to say that there is not a -man in the Company who does not appreciate its provisions. - -_Captain._ Quite so. Well, the practice of entail is founded more or -less on the Feudal System. You understand the advantages and -disadvantages of Primogeniture? - -_Private._ Certainly, Sir. I suppose Borough English was rather before -the time of the Norman Conquest? - -_Captain._ I imagine so: but perhaps the best way will be for you all to -come to my quarters, where I can explain the matter more fully to you -than I can here. I have no doubt the Colonel will excuse the Company, if -I inform him for what purpose we propose absenting ourselves. At any -rate I will ask him. - -_Private._ A million thanks, Sir. I am sure every man in the Company -will be grateful to you. - -_Sergeant._ Right about turn! Quick march! Halt! Front! Shoulder arms! - -_Captain._ Stand them easy while I go away. (Sergeant _obeys order, and_ -Captain _approaches and salutes_ Colonel.) Beg pardon, Sir, but may I -march my Company to my quarters to give them a lecture on law? - -_Colonel (rather querulously)._ Well, DASH, of course I'm not going to -say No; but it really is rather rough upon me. Here B Company has got -permission to study botany, C Company the elements of engineering, D, F, -and G chemistry. I shall be left with H Company, because they have -nothing more to learn. What on earth shall I give them to do if you are -off too? - -_Captain._ Wouldn't presume to suggest, Sir; but mightn't H have a -little practice in the rudiments of drill? - -_Colonel._ By Jove, you are right! They are rusty enough! Very well, you -may go. - -[_Scene closes in upon A Company marching towards_ Captain DASH'S -_quarters, while the Adjutant gets H Company (with some difficulty) into -something like a proper formation for receiving elementary instruction -in the mysteries of "fours_." - - * * * * * - -A CIRCULAR NOTE.--The literary character of our leading statesmen of all -shades of political opinion is well sustained at the present day. They -are learned in all the 'ologies, including ap-ologies, of which art Mr. -GLADSTONE and Mr. BALFOUR are by this time past-masters. Long may they -live--and learn. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE IRREVOCABLE PAST! - - "This is truth the Poet sings, - That a sorrow's crown of sorrow is remembering happier things!" - -"ALAS! IN LOOKING BACK OVER ONE'S LIFE, HOW MANY THINGS THERE ARE TO -CAUSE ONE TO REGRET!" - -"OH, YES, INDEED! I OFTEN REGRET I DIDN'T EAT MORE OYSTERS WHEN THEY -WERE EIGHTPENCE A DOZEN!"] - - * * * * * - -THE CHIMES. - -(_Dickens once again adapted to the Season and the Situation._) - -High up in the steeple of an old old Tower, of ancient foundation, -somewhat incongruous and complicated in design, but of sound -Constitution--as _everybody_, even the angriest campanological -opponents, admitted--far above the light and the noise of the town, if -far below the flying clouds that shadow it, dwelt the Chimes I tell of. - -They were old Chimes, trust me. Centuries ago those Bells had been hung -by our ancestors, so many centuries ago, that the register of their -first suspension, the record of their first peal, was lost in -antiquarian mist as impenetrable as the darkness of the belfry corners -on a starless November night. They had had their donors and sponsors, -these Bells; but time had mowed down their donors, and mislaid the names -of their sponsors, and they now hung nameless and dateless, but sound -and sonorous still, in that high old Tower, time-worn but steadfast and -four-square to all winds, Party or otherwise, that have blown or that -shall blow. - -Not speechless though. Far from it. They had clear, loud, lusty, -sounding voices, had these Bells; and far and wide they might be heard -upon the wind. Much too sturdy Chimes, moreover, were they, to be -dependent upon the mere pleasure of the wind, of any of the winds--Party -or otherwise--aforementioned. They had been pulled at by many -generations of ringers, pulled at sometimes skilfully, often awkwardly -and ill; sometimes in tune, and with the well-ordered harmony which was -natural to them; sometimes again, wildly and wilfully, by incompetent or -angry ringers, ringers ill-matched and ill-accordant, who did their -worst to mar their melody, and spoil their tunefulness, and upset their -time, and make them sound, in the great Singer's words:-- - - "Like sweet bells jangled, out of tune, and harsh." - -But the fault was ever less in the Bells than in the Bell-ringers. -Cracked were they not, nor were they cacophonous; let their clappers -swing free, and keep their throats unrusted and unclogged, and in -skilled, and loyal, and well-conducted hands, they would ever sound out -strongly and sweetly, and send forth on and against the wildest and -angriest of the winds aforesaid, most excellent and inspiring music. - - * * * * * - -_Toby_ knew them well, those Bells, as did his great and genial Master. -_Toby_ was not a canine casuist. Being but a simple and loyal dog, he -invested them with a strange and solemn character. They were so -mysterious and mighty; often heard, and never seen; so high up, so far -off, and so full of such a deep, strong melody, that he regarded them -with a species of awe; and sometimes when he looked up at the dark -arched windows in the tower, he half expected to be beckoned to by -something which was not a Bell, and yet was what he had heard so often -sounding in the Tower, the Spirit, namely, of Loyalty and Love, of -Honour and of Home. For all this, _Toby_ scouted with doggish -disdain--being, like his Master, as sensible as loyal--a certain -occasionally flying rumour that the Chimes were haunted, as implying the -possibility of their being connected with any Evil thing. And _Toby_--no -unlicked cub, but a considerate, composed old dog,--never puppyishly -barked at the Bells. He would as soon have thought of baying the moon. - -But he often had occasion to yap, warningly or reprovingly, at the -Bell-ringers! - - * * * * * - -Bow-wow-wow! It was the voice of _Toby_. It meant not, this time, either -warning or reproof; rather amicable acknowledgment, and just a little -surprise. Not fear, oh, no! not fear. - -A Voice--was it a vision-voice, or the accents of the biggest of -the Bells, or was it, perchance, the veritable Voice of Time -himself, naturally and fitly vocal and audible at this particular -Season?--sounded strangely through the shadowy belfry. Thus it seemed to -speak, in words curiously pertinent to the moment, though _Toby_ seemed -to have heard them before in other connection and in other -circumstances. - -[Illustration: THE CHIMES. - -MR. PUNCH. "NOW THEN, MY LADS! ALL TOGETHER FOR ONCE!--CHRISTMAS TIME, -YOU KNOW!!"] - -"The Voice of Time cries to Man, Advance! Time is for his advancement -and improvement; for his greater worth, his greater happiness, his -better life; his progress onward to that goal within its knowledge and -its view, and set there in the period when Time and he began. Ages of -darkness, wickedness, and violence have come and gone--millions -uncountable have suffered, loved, and died--to point the way before him. -Who seeks to turn him back, or stay him in his course, arrests a mighty -engine which will strike the meddler dead, and be the fiercer and the -wilder, ever, for its momentary check!" - -"A rub for the reactionaries!" mused _Toby_. - -"Who puts into the mouth of Time, or of its servants, a cry of -lamentation for days which have had their trial and their failure, and -have left deep traces of it which the blind may see--a cry that only -serves the present time, by showing men how much it needs their help -when any ears can listen to regrets for such a past--who does this does -us wrong." - -"A flout for our Fair-Traders!" thought _Toby_. - -"Who hears in us, the Chimes, one note bespeaking disregard, or stern -regard, of any hope, or joy, or sorrow, of the many-sorrowed throng; who -hears us make response to any creed that gauges human passions and -affections, as it gauges the amount of miserable food on which humanity -may pine and wither, does us wrong." - -"What would the contemners of the people's claims, the deriders of the -people's miseries, make of _that_, I wonder?" meditated _Toby_. - -"Who hears us echo the dull vermin of the earth, the Putters Down of -crushed and broken natures, formed to be raised up higher than such -maggots of the time can crawl or can conceive, does us wrong." - -"Pity the shriekers for unlimited Suppression can't hear _this_!" -cogitated _Toby_. - - * * * * * - -_Bow-wow-wow!_ Again it was the voice of _Toby_. This time it did mean -warning, if not reproof. Not anger exactly; anger alone is scarce suited -to the Christmas season. - -The Bell-ringers were going it. With plenty of energy, unquestionably, -but with scarcely as much discretion as might be desired. A rather mixed -lot. Each one individually an excellent hand at the rope, no doubt. -Evergreen WILL, of the leonine front, and flying silvery whisps of hair! -Black-a-vised BOB, of the broad shoulders and resolute tug. Stolid, but -sturdy HARTY, of the firmly-planted feet and granite grip! Fiery though -mild-featured JOACHIM; sombre, smug-faced, but enthusiastic JOHN! Last, -though perhaps hardly least (in his own estimation, at all events), -rattling RANDOLPH, light-weight, none too firm of footing, but full of -dash, and game to attempt a triple bob-major all by himself. - -"_Pull_ away, BOB," cried impetuous WILL, eagerly. - -"Steady, WILL!" exclaimed Black-a-vised BOB, sardonically. - -"Keep time, for goodness sake, JOHN," said accurate JOACHIM. - -"Want your bell to be heard above all the rest!" murmured sombre JOHN. - -"Are you trying to hang yourself, or pull the belfry down, RANDOLPH," -muttered stolid HARTY, beneath his moustache. - -"Oh, confound it; I could lick the lot of you!" shouted little RANDOLPH, -tugging tremendously at his rope, and fairly carried off his feet by the -recoil. - -"_Bow-wow-wow!_" barked _Toby_. - -"Right, my dog!" said his Master. "Good Bell-ringing, my boys, requires -combination and subordination, unity of purpose as well as union of -powers. A bull-like power of pull is not enough, or, by Jove! you'd all -be crack campanologists. Come, Gentlemen, a Christmas Carillon at least -should not be all cacaphonous crash and clatter. All together, my lads, -_for once_; or, rather, keep time, and touch, and tune, with due regard -to the perfection of the peal and the credit of the glorious old -Chimes!" - - * * * * * - -IN THEIR CRACKERS. - -_The Czar._--A brand-new map of the Balkan States with Prince BISMARCK'S -best compliments. - -_The Emperor of Austria._--A satisfactory explanation of recent Russian -Military movements, with the CZAR'S kindest regards. - -_Prince Bismarck._--German Security by arrangement, with the seasonable -wishes of the Five Great Powers. - -_President Carnot._--A Ministry that will last him a fortnight with the -good will of the two Chambers. - -_Lord Salisbury._--"A Hundred New Ways of Governing Ireland by -Coercion." Christmas Edition. - -_Mr. O'Brien._--An Emerald-coloured Tweed suit, in which to sing by -himself on Christmas Eve, "_The Wearing of the Green_." - -_Mr. Chamberlain._--A very pretty kettle of fish, daintily and -appropriately decorated with Canadian mottoes. - -_Mr. Gladstone._--The Donnybrook Fair Suit, "with Shillelagh complete," -as advertised, done up in a neat parcel and addressed to him with the -compliments of "the Party." - - * * * * * - -A LEARNED PROTEST. - - RESPECTISSIME PUNCHI! - -Tu habes admissum, olim, Latinas litteras in tuis columnis. Memini unum -TOMMIUM scribentem de Etone (istâ super-ratâ scholâ) et nunc forsitan -accipies hanc contributionem antiqui Westminsterensis? Semper ego -auditor tantum (JUVENALIS) quum nobilis ars Latinorum versorum est -attacta? Non pro JOSEPHO! Volo nunc intrare meam protestationem contra -aliqua verba Baronis BRAMWELL, alterâ die. - -[Illustration: _Facilis ascensus Parnassi sed revocare gradum._ - -"It's very easy to be a Poet, but you must have recourse to your -gradus."] - -Baro dixit (Anglicè, quia, imagino, non noscit Latinum) ut "he never got -any good from the Latin verses he was obliged to write when a boy, and -if a boy is to be made a poet, he had better begin in his own language." -Dixit quoque, "it may be knowledge to know the names of those who killed -BECKET (_sic_), and the precise date, but it is not wisdom or useful." -(Quare, viâ, "BECKET," et non "Sanctus TOMMIUS À BECKET, proprium nomen? -Quid cheekum! Vel forte dicerem, quæ bucca! Vocabimusne Baronem BRAMWELL -in futuro "BRAMWELL" simpliciter; vel, ut omittit "à," potius "BRAM'L"?) - -Quoto has Philistinas deliverationes de "Tempora," et Editor "Temporum" -propriissime scribit, "We should for our part (pro nostrâ portione) -venture to doubt whether some of Lord BRAMWELL'S (peto veniam, BRAM'L'S) -remarkable keenness of mind is not to be accounted for by the drilling -which his Latin verses gave him--by the habit of twisting and turning -(habitus contorquendi et vertendi) and adjusting thoughts and phrases -which that old-fashioned exercise implies." Bene! - -Sum ipse nunc Undergraduatus, et abandonavi Classicas linguas pro -Scientiâ. Sed retineo meum Latinum--ut tu vides--et invenio id facile -esse excellens in chemicis odoribus et in CICERONE simul. - -Cogito ut Britannicus Publicus debet noscere _quam multum bonum_ Latini -versus sunt ad pueros. - -1. Imprimis, illi ducunt ad usum _Gradûs ad Parnassum_; et, interrogo, -quis liber potest comparare cum eo vel in elegantiâ styli, vel in -copiositate verborum, vel in vero genio auctoris? Sum inclinatus -cogitare ut auctor erat, in realitate, BACONIUS ipse; et si ita, id est -alium exemplum quomodo Latini versus auxiliant homines scandere ad -nobilissimas positiones in Statu. - -2. Secundo loco, docent fraternum amorem inter pueros; quia quum unus -socius est stumpatus pro verbo, alius donat illi correctum tippum, sub -rosâ. - -3. Tertium quid (non _quid_ tobacconis!--Vide effectum, "habitûs -contorquendi et vertendi"!)--Versus elevant mentem, et associant nos cum -grandibus auctoribus præteriti, ut OVIDIO, TIBULLO, et CAREYO. Quomodo -possum noscere, nisi per "Gradum," ut _Amor_ est "dulcis, blandus, -jucundus, suavis," et eodem tempore "flagrans, acer, fervidus, -indomitus, vigilans," etc.? - -4. Quarto, discimus synonymos, sic utiles ad publicos homines (non -homines _publicanos_, intelligis! "Habitus contorquendi" iterum). Si -Magister GLADSTONE non fecisset Latinos versus ut juvenis, non posset -nunc donare viginti differentia nomina pro unâ re. - -Finaliter, si Latini versus sunt missi ad Jerichonem, _ubi erit Ludus -Westminsterensis_ in futuro? Nullum alium argumentum est necessarium. - - Maneo tuus, ANTI-BRAMWELLIUS ACADEMICUS. - - * * * * * - -A Correspondent draws _Mr. Punch's_ attention to an advertisement in a -Cheltenham paper, from which this is an extract:-- - - "QUINCE JAM.--Prepared from Quinces, supposed by many to be the - 'Forbidden Fruit.' This hitherto almost unknown luxury is much - appreciated by those who have tried it." - -Hasn't the enterprising and, of course, very old-established firm which -advertises this luxury any recommendation in writing from "The fairest -of her daughters," EVE? If so, let them produce the papyrus. - - * * * * * - -The last Christmas Cards to arrive, are TAYLOR FOOT'S "Merry Thoughts," -&c., from Poland Street,--they're behind time; so very slow a-foot in -coming. As practical jokes, the mince-pie cards are uncommonly good, and -indeed the sham may be substituted for the real, by a mince pi-ous fraud -allowable at Christmas time. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: STRIVING AFTER THE IDEAL. - -_Grandpapa._ "AH, JOHNNY! THERE ARE FEW BETTER THINGS THAN IRISH STEW!" - -_Johnny._ "WHAT ARE THE FEW BETTER THINGS, GRANDPA?"] - - * * * * * - -UNEMPLOYED. - -_A Christmas Carol for the Comfortable Classes._ - - Old Father Christmas came once more, - His eye was bright if his hair was hoar, - And the old old gifts on his back he bore. - - With the old loved legend now as then - The pleasantest ever inscribed by pen-- - "Peace upon earth, goodwill to men." - - What was it the good old greybeard saw?-- - War's iron teeth, greed's gaping jaw, - And shaken order and broken law. - - Each land ringed round with a fence of steel, - Each party snarling at other's heel; - None seeming loving, few looking leal. - - Poverty spreading athwart the land, - With mutterings few dared understand, - Though they palsied Charity's helpful hand. - - And the good old greybeard stood and gazed - At the thousand hearths where no Yule-fire blazed, - At the hate-led nations, the classes crazed. - - "And oh!" he cried, "is it come, the time - When the land low grovels in greed and grime, - And heeds no longer my cheering chime? - - "Is it past, all prospect of love's increase? - Is it time my rallying cry should cease-- - 'Peace and Good-will! Good-will and Peace!'? - - "Is it fled, the hope that my heart has buoyed? - Is it finished, the labour in which I joyed? - Am _I_ the chief of the Unemployed?" - - * * * * * - -THE DEAR DEPARTED.--He has departed, and he was dear--at the price, was -the poor little Gorilla! He died at the Zoo just ten days ago. Was it -owing to his being so generously dieted, and never getting "Monkey's -allowance?" Jenny the Baboon refused to attend the funeral, which was -strictly private. Her conduct has created some astonishment among the -officials. A jarring note was struck by the Hyæna, which could not -repress its laughter. He died intestate. The Gorilla's decease makes no -change in the government of Monkey Island. - - * * * * * - -THE CONSCIENTIOUS APPARITION; OR, THE PHANTOM BILL OF COSTS. - -(_A Legal Ghost Story for Christmas._) - -I am a highly respectable family ghost. I appear usually at two in the -morning, wearing, what I believe is called in theatrical circles, a -disguise cloak, and carrying a long blood-stained sword. I have one -serious drawback. I have a shocking memory, and have entirely forgotten -my identity. For the death of me I cannot remember why I became a ghost, -and what on earth I ought to haunt. I fancy it should be some sort of -castle, as I have an indistinct recollection of once frightening a man -carrying some huge keys, from what I take must have been a portcullis, -into fits. But this is merely conjecture, and I can't in the least -account for my blood-stained sword. As I am really conscientious, this -state of things has caused me serious regret. I have no wish to alarm -the wrong people, nor to haunt the wrong place. The first is improper, -and the second is _infra dig_. But what can I do? I find that I must -appear at least once in every four-and-twenty hours, and my difficulty -has been to so suit my time and place, that the least inconvenience -should be given to the smallest number. Consequently, for many years I -have been a nightly _habitué_ of the South Kensington Museum. No doubt -this arrangement would have continued for an indefinite period had I -not been recently arrested by a Policeman for loitering in the -picture-galleries, who only permitted me to vanish in blue fire (I -prefer blue to red) on the condition that I did not re-enter the -Institution. - -Ousted from the South Kensington Museum, I determined not to visit any -other public establishment. Partly because I was tired beyond measure of -curiosities, and partly, because my dignity had been wounded by the -incident that had severed my connection with the School of Art. -Supplementary to this, I felt that I might be neglecting a duty by not -discovering the proper place for my periodical apparitions. It occurred -to me it would be a great comfort if I could but find the exact spot, -where undisturbed, I could appear and disappear without fear of -interruption, at any rate, from the profession, for I knew that I should -not be allowed to poach on the haunting-grounds of my fellow phantoms. -As a matter of fact, I once had a terrible row in the Tower of London, -(caused by Sir WALTER RALEIGH, Lord BALMARINO, and Lady JANE GREY -objecting to my joining the little gathering there, on the score "that I -did not belong to their set") which ended in my being ejected in the -most undignified manner possible from the premises. However, I am pretty -determined when I make up my mind, and I formed the resolution of -leaving no stone unturned until I had discovered my proper destination. - -My first experiments were most unsuccessful. I visited in succession -about a hundred country-houses, but found them all tenanted with their -rightful apparitions. My arrival was greeted, in each case, with abuse, -more or less vigorous. Perhaps I received the greatest insults from a -person (I cannot call him a gentleman) of the last century, who I -discovered haunting a venerable mansion belonging to his grandson, with -a view to giving their brand-new family an air of respectability. - -At length I found a rather agreeable lady in white brocade, who carried -her head in a bundle under her arm, and who was more inclined to be -sociable than any ghost I had hitherto met. - -"You cannot possibly remain here," she said, as she glided up a -staircase and rattled some chains outside a bedroom door, "it would not -be proper, besides it would be sure to be resented by ALFREDO, who rises -every fifteenth of March from the moat to cut my head off in a fit of -jealousy--he is so absurd! If I were you I should consult a Solicitor. I -can recommend you one who hanged himself some years ago in the town over -yonder. His great great great grandfather drew my marriage settlement; -and ALFREDO, who has consulted him on several little matters, has every -confidence in him. Why not see him? You will find him seated in his -office (it belongs to his nephew in the daytime) from midnight to four -in the morning. And now you must really go, as I have to frighten the -occupants of this bed-chamber." - -Thus urged, of course I could only bow and withdraw. I floated into the -town and entered the Lawyer's office. I found its phantom occupant -extremely obliging. - -"The great difficulty," he said, when he had listened to my story, "is -to ascertain your identity, which can only be done in the daytime. Have -you ever appeared at noon?" - -I admitted that I had, although I was obliged to confess that I had -found my apparition then both feeble and unsatisfactory. - -After consultation, we decided that perhaps we might find some trace of -my antecedents in the Imbecile Inquiry Office, a Government Department -devoted to the registration of human curiosities. It was not impossible -that I might have been so extremely eccentric in my lifetime, that some -trace of my doings might have been preserved in the archives of the -_bureau_. The next morning, accompanied by my Lawyer, I visited the -office, and was requested by a messenger to put in writing on a -memorandum paper the object of my application. Fortunately the man was -short-sighted, and did not appear to notice our appearance. I wrote what -I wanted, and sent it up. In a few minutes the messenger returned. - -"The Board is engaged at this moment, but if you like to stop, the -Secretary will see you by-and-by." He then left us. - -After waiting nearly an hour, my Lawyer and I came to the conclusion -that we must have been forgotten, and determined to go upon a voyage of -discovery on our own account. Leaving the waiting-room, we glided up a -broad stone staircase and entered through a green-baize door a large -apartment apparently filled with books. Seated at a desk was an -amiable-looking, middle-aged gentleman surrounded with plans, papers, -packets, and the usual paraphernalia of a Government Office. Between -this room and another was a second green-baize door dividing the two -apartments the one from the other. In the second room we saw several -other amiable-looking middle-aged gentlemen, grouped round a long table, -and apparently engaged in discussing sandwiches and sherry. - -"I am sorry to disturb you," said my Lawyer, courteously. The -amiable-looking middle-aged gentleman at the desk, raised his eyes, -looked at us, started violently, and turned as white as a sheet. My -Solicitor continued, "We want to know----" - -He could get no further. The gentleman jumped up from his desk in an -agony of terror, and, before we could prevent his departure, disappeared -with an unearthly yell, through the baize door into the second -apartment. The door was then hurriedly locked, and all we could do would -not induce any of the occupants of the room to open it. We tried in vain -all sorts of inducements, from the rattling of heavy chains up to -thunder-thumps. Some little time elapsed, and then the short-sighted -messenger made his appearance. - -"I never told you to come up," said he, in an aggrieved tone, "and -you've got me into trouble. You must be off. The Board say that your -application, whatever it is, can't be entertained." - -To retire was all we could do--and we did it. On regaining the street, I -sorrowfully bade my Solicitor good-bye. - -"Oh dear no, Sir," he said, with the ghost of a smile. "You have quite -forgotten one little formality--my Bill of Costs." - -Upon this he produced an enormous roll of paper! The rest of my story -can be briefly told. Unable to pay my Lawyer's bill, I was compelled to -seek refuge in a country where I could not be reached by the Extradition -law. I took a passage in _The Flying Dutchman_, and went to Spain. I am -now settled in Grenada, where I am believed by the peasantry to be an -English ghost that has escaped from a branch of the Moorish Alhambra -that has been recently established in Leicester Square. I find some -consolation in the thought that those whom I now haunt seem to be -growing rather fond of me. I trust that this is not a specimen of the -national politeness, and that the affection they apparently entertain -towards me is not merely assumed to save me unnecessary embarrassment. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: INTERIORS AND EXTERIORS. No. 55. - -IN LOWTHER ARCADIA AT CHRISTMAS TIME.] - - * * * * * - -WAITING HIS ORDERS. - -The HOME SECRETARY, after the revelations made by a distinguished member -of the Representative body of Theatrical Managers and Music Hall -Proprietors that called upon him last week to protest against the -further extension of Inspecting Powers to the Metropolitan Board, having -expressed a wish to hear something still further of the correspondence, -said to be of a blackmailing character, which was referred to in the -course of the proceedings, the Deputation again called on him yesterday -afternoon for the purpose of supplying him with fresh information on the -subject. - -[Illustration: Augustus Druriolanus opposing the Invasion of Plancus -Operator Autocraticus.] - -In re-introducing them, Mr. JACKSON PARTLAND, M.P., said that since -their last interview they had heard that, with a view to the better -control of the correspondence of subordinate officials of the Board, an -enterprising firm of publishers had undertaken to provide for their use -A COMPLETE LETTER-WRITER, a few of the proof-sheets of which had chanced -to come into their possession. As they seemed to have some bearing on -the present case, they thought that perhaps the HOME SECRETARY might -like to look at them. In presenting them to his notice, they felt it was -hardly necessary to point out that a public Department from which such -documents might be expected to issue was scarcely calculated to inspire -that general confidence so essential to the smooth and efficient working -that might reasonably be expected of it. The subjoined proof-sheets, -which he appeared to peruse with much attention, were then handed to the -HOME SECRETARY:-- - -_From an Official of the Board to a Popular Manager, asking for Places -during the Height of the Pantomime Season._ - - _Metropolitan Board of Shirks Compromising Architect's - Department, Spring Heel Gardens, February 17._ - -MY DEAR GUS,--(Excuse the familiarity, but it is a way we have on the -"Board")--I know you are turning money away nightly, but you must really -manage to let me have the Queen's Box, and the two others on each side -of it (all three knocked into one) for three days--say, Monday, -Thursday, and Friday next week. I wish to bring my grandfather, two aged -aunts, my sister-in-law, all her children, and my own, and lots of -cousins and connections who know my interest with you, and have asked me -to get 'em good places. Don't say you can't do it, my dear boy, for you -know _I can be nasty when I like_, and should be sorry to put you to the -expense of clapping on another staircase or two to the upper circles. -Ha! ha! that would be a joke, wouldn't it? However, let's hope it won't -come to that. Yours ever, JOHN BEGG. - -P.S.--If there's a difficulty about the boxes, I wouldn't mind a whole -row of stalls right across the theatre in the best part. But mind, one -or the other, _I must have_. - -_From Same to Same, on the former receiving, in reply, an Order for two -to the Upper Boxes, not admitted after half-past Seven._ - - _Metropolitan Board of Shirks Compromising Architect's - Department, Spring Heel Gardens, February 19._ - -SIR.--I am utterly astounded at the insolence of your response to my -request, and thus fling back your tickets (re-enclosed) in your face. Do -you know, Sir, who I am? _Are you aware that I can make your theatre too -hot to hold you?_ Do you reflect that I can force you to open up a -dozen,--ay, and if need be, twenty-four--new and roomy exits on every -blessed floor in your house. And yet, with this knowledge, you dare to -haggle in your mind over the price of three paltry boxes on the Grand -Tier. Why, you must be mad!--stark! However, to be plain with you, I'll -tell you what it is. Unless you send me by return the places I have -named, and which, as an Official of the Board, have the goodness to -understand, _I claim as a right_, I'll let loose a Committee of -Inspection on you in two twos, without notice, and if, after they've -paid you a visit, they leave you a single leg to stand upon, I promise -you it won't be the fault of Yours, meaning business, officially, - - JOHN BEGG. - -_From Same to Same, after receipt of various Complimentary Admissions, -making still further demands._ - - _Metropolitan Board of Shirks, Compromising Architect's - Department, Spring Heel Gardens, March 1._ - -MY VERY DEAR SIR,--Thank you for the last six Private Boxes, which, -although not all of them in quite first-rate positions, enabled me to -knock on a few obligations that I was under to certain importunate -friends and connections. But I am now going to tax your kindness still -further. _I wish to give all my tradesmen a treat_, and should like them -to have the Queen's Box in turn. I am, therefore, sending you the -addresses of my butcher, my baker, my bootmaker, milkman, greengrocer, -and my tailor, and request that you will communicate directly with them, -with a view to finding out on what nights they could most conveniently -visit the theatre, and arranging accordingly. Please be careful to -direct the envelopes carefully and legibly, as I should be sorry that -any carelessness on your part should lead to disagreeables over the -matter. Indeed, as long as you keep me well supplied with the places I -require on the Grand Tier, I _have no wish to be nasty_. But you know, -from experience, it won't do to put my back up, and that rather than put -an official spoke into your wheel, I would always prefer to receive your -orders, and be able to sign myself, as I do now, Yours cordially, - - JOHN BEGG. - -_From Same to Same, on receiving Apologetic and Explanatory Letter -enclosing sixteen undated Stalls._ - - _Metropolitan Board of Shirks, Compromising Architect's - Department, Spring Heel Gardens, March 4._ - -Mr. BEGG wishes to know whether Mr. HARRIS takes him for a fool. Mr. B. -particularly told Mr. H., that he wanted him to let him have the Queen's -Box for six consecutive nights, _as he wished to give his_, Mr. B's., -_Tradesmen a treat_. How does Mr. H. think Mr. B. is going to manage -that in suitable style, in sixteen undated Stalls! But perhaps Mr. H. is -desirous of _provoking an Official Inspection_, and would like to be -called on to provide a new set of dressing-rooms, a couple of -iron-curtains, and be ordered to rebuild his Entrance Hall. Mr. B. -merely throws this out as a hint, but would advise Mr. H. _if he wishes -to keep out of trouble_, to despatch the demanded boxes, to the -addresses already furnished him forthwith. - -The HOME SECRETARY said, that after giving the above specimens of -correspondence his careful consideration, he could not say that he -thought them particularly out of the way, but as there somehow seemed to -be a general impression that they were, he supposed something ought to -be done. He would think the matter over, and perhaps in the course of -next summer he might possibly hit on some solution. - -The Deputation having thanked him, then withdrew. - - * * * * * - -"ALL THE TALENTS." - -The _Graphic's_ big picture, representing "All the Talents" of Her -Gracious MAJESTY'S reign grouped together in one tremendous crowd, -directed apparently on their way down (ominous this!) by Sir JEM of the -Academy, contains some of the best portraits that have appeared in any -collective illustration. Each one of them separately would be entitled -to a place in the splendid _Victoria Album_ recently issued by SMITH AND -DOWNES, and to say this is saying a great deal. _The Graphic_ -Stage-Manager has grouped his characters most appropriately. On the -extreme right of the spectator is Sir FREDERICK LEIGHTON, P.R.A., -staring across at Sir JEM as if wondering why on earth the latter was -taking so much authority into his own hands. The Baroness BURDETT COUTTS -is well in front, evidently determined to get out first before the crush -comes,--an idea that, apparently, has also simultaneously occurred to -Messrs. CHAMBERLAIN, BROWNING, ELLEN TERRY, and Lords CHARLES BERESFORD, -TENNYSON, SALISBURY, GLADSTONE, "our Mr. TENNIEL," Mrs. BANCROFT -(without Mr. B., which accounts for the vacant space next to her, so -perhaps he was late, or has politely gone to fetch Mrs. KENDAL, with -whom he will appear in the millionth re-issue of this picture), H.E. -Cardinal MANNING, apologising for accidentally treading on Madame -PATTI'S dress (but it really couldn't be helped), who are all getting -away as quickly as possible, either because Mr. SALA, up at the back, or -Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN (who is looking about for Mr. GILBERT) has shouted -out, "Get on in front there!" Perhaps--ah!--they are all hurrying off to -the Refreshment Room! Or going to stir the Christmas Pudding. - - * * * * * - -BOHN'S Standard Library is to be republished at a shilling a volume. -This is indeed putting life in the dry Bohns. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: hand] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, -whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, -will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and -Addressed Envelope Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no -exception. - - * * * * * - -[Transcriber's Note: - -Alternative spellings retained. - -Punctuation normalized without comment. - -Italics denoted by underscores (_).] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume -93, December 24, 1887, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - -***** This file should be named 40626-8.txt or 40626-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/6/2/40626/ - -Produced by Wayne Hammond, Malcolm Farmer and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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