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diff --git a/40629-0.txt b/40629-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e9a3e42 --- /dev/null +++ b/40629-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1542 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40629 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 93. + + + + +DECEMBER 17, 1887. + + + + +THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. + +FROM THE MINISTER TO PERSIA. + +_Hampstead, Saturday._ + +DEAR TOBY, + +I am, as you will understand, so busy in my preparations for departure, +that I fear I may not find time to call upon you, _p.p.c._, and +therefore take up my pen to write these few lines, hoping they will find +you well, as they leave me at present. It is an odd reflection to one +who has reached my time of life, that henceforward sixteen-shilling +trousers shall have no more interest for me. Already, in the privacy of +my room, I don the flowing robes of the East, and sit by the hour as you +see me in a little sketch I have had made, and beg your acceptance +herewith. It is all very strange to me yet. As GR-ND-LPH says, it is the +oddest thing in the world that the Ark and I, after much tossing about +in troublous waters, should finally settle down in the neighbourhood of +Ararat. If I had had my choice, I would not have gone so far afield. The +wise men, you know, come from the East, they do not go there; at least, +not further than Constantinople, which would have suited me admirably. +Rome I have eyed askance. I could have dressed the part for St. +Petersburg. Berlin would not have been bad; and I feel that I was born +for Paris. But the Markiss of course has his way, and he has mapped mine +out for Teheran. + +It is odd to reflect (and as I sit here trying to grow accustomed to the +hookah, I feel in a reflective mood) that if BR-DL-GH had not been +elected for Northampton in 1880, I would never have been Her Majesty's +Minister at the Court of the SHAH. Do you remember the night, nearly +eight years gone, when I jumped up from my seat below the Gangway and +physically barred BR-DL-GH'S passage up the House? In the loose way +history is written, GR-ND-LPH gets the credit of incubating the Fourth +Party. But if it had not been for me, that remarkable cohort would never +have existed, and the history of English politics for the last seven +years would have been written differently. GR-ND-LPH was actually not in +the House when I created the BR-DL-GH difficulty. Three weeks earlier, +on BR-DL-GH'S first presenting himself, FREDDY C-V-ND-SH had moved for a +Select Committee to consider his claim to make affirmation. ST-FF-RD +N-RTHC-TE had seconded the hum-drum motion, the Committee was agreed to, +and there the matter ended. When GR-SV-N-R moved to nominate the +Committee, I came to the front, was snubbed by H-LK-R at the instance of +our respected Leaders, but stuck to it then and after, till presently, +the Conservative Party, seeing the advantage, came round to my view and +poor ST-FF-RD N-RTHC-TE had to eat his words. GR-ND-LPH came on the +field and the ball was set rolling; but it was I who gave it the first +kick. + +And now behold me solemn, sedate, responsible, the Representative of the +greatest of Western Powers at the Court where once ARTAXERXES ruled! In +quitting Parliamentary life I leave behind me an example which young +Members will find it profitable to study. The opportunities I possessed +were held in common with hundreds of others whom I leave in obscurity. I +had no particular gifts that promised the comfortable pre-eminence I +have reached. The coarsest flatterer could not accuse me of oratorical +ability. GR-ND-LPH, I confess, excelled me there, and so did G-RST, an +abler man than either of us, but lacking in the quality that brought +GR-ND-LPHand me to the front and kept us there. What I did, was to keep +myself in evidence, and to make myself as disagreeable as possible to +people in authority. If the object of attack were GL-DST-NE, good; if it +were N-RTHC-TE, better, as showing more independence, and as securing +the favourable attention of the Opposition. It is a commonplace, +ordinary thing to be cheered by your own side. What the young aspirant +to Parliamentary distinction should look to, is to gain the applause of +the Benches opposite. R-B-CK knew that in old days, and so did H-RSM-N, +and in these later times GR-ND-LPH better and more successfully than +either. + +I quit the House of Commons with unfeigned regret, tempered only by the +anticipated pleasure of watching from Teheran the coming cropper of my +old friends. The deluge is surely coming for them, whilst I loll landed +high and dry upon Ararat. I like to make B-LF-R uneasy by telling him +this. But he boasts of an infallible receipt the Government have for +keeping up their Parliamentary majority. Here and there a bye-election +may reduce it, "but," says B-LF-R, "we can always play next, and win. +For every bye-election lost we clap an Irish Member in gaol, or, for the +matter of that, a Radical, and thus maintain an even balance. We lose +Coventry and they lose O'BR-N'S vote. Spalding goes, and T. H-RR-NGT-N'S +vote is crossed out. Northwich is lost, and the Lord Mayor of Dublin is +lagged. We lose a vote in the Exchange Ward, Liverpool, and they are +bereft of SHEEHY, whilst we have left to the good COX and E. H-RR-NGT-N, +with P-NE safe within the mud walls of his castle." + +That is all very well, but evidently it cannot go on indefinitely. I at +least am out of the scuffle happily, and in good time, and, political +life's fever over, shall live well. + + Yours faithfully, + H. D. W-LFF. + + * * * * * + +THE STRAIGHT TIP. + +(_To All whom it may concern._) + + Hasty assumption, by spite inspired, + Spouting in public before you've inquired + Basis of fact or authority's worth; + Wriggles, provoking much cynical mirth, + Roundaboutation, sophistical fudge; + Then retractation, but done with a grudge!-- + Gentlemen, gentlemen, _is_ this good form? + Would you political citadels storm + Like Heathen Chinees with (word) "stinkpots"? For shame! + This is not manfully playing the game. + It is not "good business," believe me, but bad, + Whether you're Tory or whether you're Rad. + Young and conceited, or old and grand, + To tell taradiddles--at second-hand! + + + * * * * * + +THEATRICAL RECIPROCITY. + +First of all came The London Savoyards, who, after sending their D'OYLY +CARTE _de visite_ in advance, showed our cousins-German the way to +perform Burlesque Opera of native English growth. Then followed HERR +WYNDHAM, and FRAÜLEIN MOORE, who have just been instructing the +Berliners in the art of playing Comedy, and have achieved an undeniable +success in _David Garrick_. Odd international combination this, English +actors playing before a German audience a piece adapted by an English +author from a French play translated into German. Our actors and +actresses will go in for the study of German, and as we now hear in +England that German labour ousts native labour from the market, so we +may expect very soon to hear German actors protesting against the influx +of English Theatrical Companies who are taking the bread out of their +mouths. What will be the next move in this game? Will SARDOU adapt _The +Butler_ to be played here by COQUELIN, in TOOLE'S part, and at his +theatre, with SARAH BERNHARDT as the Cook, just to strengthen the cast? +Herr WYNDHAM appeared at the Residenz Theatre. We hope he is not going +to take up his Residenz there, as we can't spare him. + + * * * * * + +Fling at Fair-Traders. + +_Duet in the "Tempest."_ STEPHANO _and_ TRINCULO. + + "Flout 'em and scout 'em, and scout 'em, and flout 'em. + Trade is free." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A MALADE IMAGINAIRE. + +"WHY!--HAS YOUR DACHS GOT A SORE THROAT, LIZZIE?"--"NO; BUT HE _THINKS_ +HE HAS!"] + + * * * * * + +ALTERAM PARTEM. + +SIR,--The reason why I have not hitherto contributed to the controversy +on the recent unhappy (Police) Divisions is, because I have been laid up +in the Hospital. Never mind which Hospital--but I have not been so +comfortable since I had the mumps, years and years ago, at school. Being +a born economist, I naturally turned out in my myriads to assist at a +gratis show in Trafalgar Square; and, Sir, I never came so near +realising what a "dead head" was in the whole course of a chequered (not +to say chuckered) career. But do I turn round and abuse the Police? Why, +ever since that fortunate Sunday, I have enjoyed, at no expense to +myself, the most delicate of viands, the tenderest of nursing, and a +complete immunity from even the suggestion of getting anything to do; +and, in addition to all this, the satisfaction of having employed the +services of a force to whose maintenance I have never contributed one +farthing. But soft, a nurse approaches, and I must dissemble. + + Yours, in Clover, + FREEMAN GRUBBER. + + * * * * * + +"Re-Joyce!" + + The Woodford tenants + Must have liquor'd + To hear of the penance + Of Lord CLANRICARDE. + + * * * * * + +A RASHER THEORY OF BACON. + + DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +I. It is plain that the _soi-disant_ SHAKSPEARE was poor to the end of +his days. This is proved by MILTON'S sonnet beginning-- + + "What needs my SHAKSPEARE for his honour'd bones?" + +This shows that the person in question was in the habit of selling his +kitchen refuse, and more noteworthy still, that MILTON was in the habit +of buying it. Whether out of respect for the vendor, which would go a +long way towards proving the esteem in which he was held, or because +MILTON was in the marine store line at this period, I leave to Mr. +DONNELLY to decide. + +II. It is certain that there is a cypher in the _Midsummer Night's +Dream_. _Pyramus_ has the line, "O, dainty duck. O, dear!" Now "duck" +stands with cricketers for 0, and 0 is a cypher (or is it figures that +are cyphers? but, never mind). Therefore we have here the expression, +"O, dainty cypher, O, dear!" which proves conclusively, that the cypher +was dainty,--exquisite, elaborated; and also that BAKSPEARE was heartily +tired of it, unless, "dear" refers to the terms he had to pay to SHAKON +to hold his tongue. But the fact that the supposed author used to sell +bones, and inferentially rags, to MILTON, rather militates against this +hypothesis. And here note what a flood of light is thrown upon the +disappearance of the manuscripts. They were indubitably sold, with the +honoured rags and bones to MILTON, who has certainly more than one +suspicious coincidence of thought and phraseology, especially in his +earlier poems. + +III. My play, _Piccoviccius_, contains the clue to the whole matter. +There is a picture on the title-page of a boy blowing an egg, while an +elderly gentlewoman, who is remarkably like the bust of the poet in +Stratford Church, looks on with every appearance of interest. Underneath +is the legend, "Lyttel FRANCIS teaching his Crypto-gra'mother." I am +firmly convinced that _Piccoviccius_ was _written by both of them_. The +style is not the least like that of either, which proves that they +didn't want everyone to know. I subjoin a specimen. The scene is the +palace of the usurping Duke _Jingulus_, who is about to wed the Lady +_Rachel_. + +Yours, +RODERICK TWEDDLE. + +JINGULUS, RACHEL, PHILOSTRATE, _and others_. + + _Jing._ Say, PHILOSTRATE, what abridgment have you for + This dull, three-volumed day? + + _Phil._ There is, my lord, + A show of cats and tame canary birds. + The cats, sleek sleepy creatures, well content, + Doze fur in fur, the while the nimble birds + Climb ladders, carry baskets, beg for pence: + Which given, they in bills receive, and take + With hops, well-satisfied unto their keepers, + Then the sleek cats sit up and 'gin to spar, + And get sleek heads in furry chancery. + + _Jing._ That will we not see at our wedding-time, + No sparring, nor no caging. Well, what next? + + _Phil._ A hunch-back'd man, long-nosed, there is, my lord, + Who in a curtained tabernacle dwells, + Himself, his wife, his child, a helpless babe, + His dog, of rare sagacity, though small, + Is full as large as all the family. + The man a cudgel bears, and carries it + As though he lov'd it. Spurning household cares, + To pity dead, he through the window flings + His wailing, helpless babe, nor spares the pæan + Of nasal triumph and the drumming foot. + The mother thus bereav'd, such comfort gets + As in the cudgel lies, and joins too soon + Her infant sped. Again the nasal song + Shrills, and the blood-stained tabernacle shakes + With heels triumphant tapping. All who come-- + Many there are who come--learn soon or late + The flavour of the cudgel. At the end + All human powers defied, the hangman trick'd + By childlike wile, and hois'd with his own halter, + A day of reckoning comes. The unseen world + A minister sends forth who terrifies + The heart that knew no terror; turns the song + Of triumph to a long wail of despair; + And this most wicked puppet goes below + The curtain of his booth. + + _Jing._ A moral play! + This we will see. Command it. Lords, away! + + [_Exit in State._ + + * * * * * + +HYDROPATHIC ART.--"O give me the sweet shady side of Pall-Mall," sang +Captain MORRIS, the Laureate of the Old Beef-steak Club. At the present +period of the year we have a greater liking for the sunny side. And the +sunniest spot on the sunny side we have discovered during the last week +is undoubtedly in the rooms of the Sanatorium presided over by Sir JOHN +GILBERT. The Royal Society of Painters in Water Colours is a capital +hydropathic establishment at this season of the year. + + * * * * * + +A NECESSARY EXPLANATION.--Considerable remark has been excited by the +sudden departure from London of Count CORTI, the Italian Ambassador. The +fact is, Count CORTI was compelled to appear at Rome, in person, as an +answer to the imperious order of recall which (to translate the legal +process exactly) is of the nature of a "County Corti Summons." + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "M. LE PRÉSIDENT FAUTE-DE-MIEUX."] + + * * * * * + +SOCIETY SIBYLS. + + [Palmistry is now a fashionable amusement at bazaars and at evening + parties.] + + + The Sibyl in the times of old, + Who dealt in charms unlawful, + Had hair unkempt and eyes that rolled + 'Mid conjurations awful. + The prophetess of modern days, + Who dabbles in divining, + A pair of pleasant eyes will raise, + 'Neath hair that's soft and shining. + + The latest "fad" appears to be + Commingled fact and fancy, + What led of old LEUCONÖE + To trust to chiromancy. + Which is, the victim understands, + That each vice or perfection + Can be discovered in his hands + By Sibylline inspection. + + She'll tell us all the Mounts and Lines + Of Saturn and of Venus; + With man and wife her skill divines + What shadows come between us. + She sees in hands a taste for Art, + For Music, or for Letters, + And knows how often each poor heart + Has yielded to Love's fetters. + + It's rather hard to stand and hear + Your character decided, + And imperfections that appear, + By captious friends derided. + Yet if you'll listen to advice, + You'll smile, and looking pleasant, + Trust only prophecies when nice, + Of either past or present. + + * * * * * + +'ARRY ON HIS CRITICS. + +[Illustration] + + DEAR CHARLIE, + + I'm much obligated for that there _St. James's Gazette_ + As you sent me larst Satterday's post. I 'ave read it with hintrest, + you bet; + Leastways, more pertikler the harticle writ on "yours truly," dear + boy; + Wich the paper is one as a gent who is reelly a gent can enjoy. + + _I_ shall paternize it with much pleasure; it's steep, but it's + puffect good form. + Seems smart at the "ground" and the "lofty," _and_ makes it + tremenjusly warm + For WILLYUM the Woodchopper. Scissors! His name's _never_ orf of their + lips. + Wy, it's worth a fair six _d_ a week jest to see 'em a slating Old + Chips! + + Proves as 'ARRY is well to the front wen sech higperlite pens pop on + _him_, + Does me proud and no herror, dear pal; shows we're both in the same + bloomin' swim. + Still, they don't cop my phiz _quite_ ker-rect; they know GLADSTONE + right down to the ground; + But _I_ ain't quite so easy 'it off, don'tcher see, if you take me all + round. + + Old Collars is simple as lyin', becos he's _all_ bad, poor old 'ack, + And you can't be fur out in his portrait as long as you slop on the + black. + But I'm quite another guess sort; penny plain, tuppence coloured, yer + see, + May do all very well for the ruck; but they'll find it won't arnser + for me! + + I'm a daisy, dear boy, and no 'eeltaps! I wish the _St. James's_ young + man + Could drop into my diggings permiskus; he's welcome whenever he can; + For he isn't no J., that's a moral; I don't bear no malice; no fear! + But I'd open 'is hoptics a mossel concernin' my style and my spere. + + The essence of 'ARRY, he sez, is high sperrits. _That_ ain't so fur + out. + I'm "Fiz," not four 'arf, my dear feller. Flare-up is my motter, no + doubt. + Carn't set in a corner canoodling, and do the Q. T. day and night. + My mug, mate, was made for a larf, and you don't ketch it pulling a + kite. + + So fur all serene; but this joker, I tell yer, runs slap orf the track + Wen he says that my togs and my talk are "the fashion of sev'ral years + back." + The slang of the past is my patter--_mine_, CHARLIE, he sez! Poor + young man! + If _I_ carn't keep upsides with the cackle of snide 'uns, dear + CHARLIE, who _can_? + + Wot _is_ slang, my dear boy, that's the question. The mugs and the + jugs never joke, + Never gag, never work in a wheeze; no, their talk is all skilly and + toke, + 'Cos they ain't got no bloomin' hinvention; they keeps to the old line + of rails, + With about as much "go" as a Blue Point, about as much rattle as + snails. + + MAVOR'S Spellin' and Copybook motters is all they can run to. But + slang? + Wy, it's simply smart patter, of wich ony me and my sort 'as the 'ang. + Snappy snideness put pithy, my pippin, the pick of the _chick_ and the + hodd, + And it fettles up talk, my dear CHARLIE, like 'ot hoyster sauce with + biled cod. + + "Swell vernacular"? _Swells_ don't invent it; they nick it from hus, + and no kid. + Did a swell ever start a new wheeze? Would it 'ave any run if he did? + Let the ink-slingers trot out _their_ kibosh, and jest see 'ow flabby + it falls. + Bet it won't raise a grin at the bar, bet it won't git a 'and at the + 'Alls. + + And fancy _my_ slang being stale, CHARLIE! Gives me the needle, that + do. + In course I've been in it for years, mate, and mix up the old and the + new; + But if the _St. James's_ young gentleman fancies hisself on this lay, + I'll "slang" him for glasses all round, him whose patter fust fails + 'im to pay. + + Then he sez, "'ARRY'S always a Londoner." Shows 'ARRY ain't no bad + judge. + "Wot the crockerdile is to the Nile 'ARRY is to the Thames." Well, + that's fudge. + _That's_ a ink-slinger's try-on at patter. Might jest as well call me + a moke. + Try another, young man; this is kibosh purtending to pass for a joke. + + Wen he sez my god's "go,"--well he's 'it it. Great Scott! wot is life + without "go"? + But "loud, slangy, vulgar"? No, 'ang it, young man, this is--well, + there, it's _low_. + _Me_ vulgar! a Primroser, CHARLIE, a true "Anti-Radical" pot! + No, excuse me, St. J., I admire you; but this is all dashed tommy-rot. + + Stale, too, orful stale, my young josser. It's wot all the + soap-crawlers say, + If a party 'as "go" and "high sperrits"--percise wot you praise me + for, hay?-- + If he "can laugh aloud," as you say I can, better than much finer + folk, + Will you ticket 'im "vulgar," _for doin' it?_ Oh, you go 'ome and eat + coke! + + Leastways I don't mean that exackly; I like you too well; you're my + sort; + But you ain't took my measure kerrect, I'm a Tory, a patriot, a + "sport." + So wy should _you_ round on me thusly? I call it a little mite mean. + If I took and turned Radical now; but oh! no, 'ARRY isn't so green. + + 'Owsomever in one thing you've nicked me. No marriage + for 'ARRY, sez you. + O, right you are, chummie! I'm single, you bet, though I'm turned + twenty-two, + And I've 'ad lots o' chances, I tell yer; fair 'ot 'uns, old man, and + no kid. + But I'll 'ave a free run for _my_ money, as long as I'm good for a + quid. + + Yah! Marriage is orful queer paper; it's fatal, dear boy, as you say, + It damps down the rortiest dasher, it spiles yer for every prime lay. + No; gals is good fun, wives wet blankets, that's wot my egsperience + tells, + And the swells foller me on that track, though _you_ say as I follers + the swells. + + Wot odds arter all? We're jest dittos! I'm not bad at bottom, sez you. + Well, thankye for nothink, my joker. As long as I've bullion to blue, + I mean to romp round a rare buster, lark, lap, take the pick of the + fun, + And, bottom or top, good or bad, keep my heye on one mark--Number One! + + There, CHARLIE, that's 'ow I should answer my criticks. They ain't + nicked me yet, + Not even the pick o' the basket, 'im of the _St. James's Gazette_. + He's not a bad sort though, I reckon. Laugh, lark, cut a dash, never + marry! + Yus, it only want's my fillin' in to make that a fair photo, of + +'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +WELL PROTECTED; + +OR, WHAT IT WILL COME TO. + +A Demonstration was held yesterday afternoon at St. Giles's Hall, in +connection with the Imperial Association, for the raising of +Agricultural and other Prices, "to protest still further against the +late unrestricted ability to live on their means enjoyed by the British +Middle Classes," and "to take ulterior measures for rendering it more +impossible." A large number of members of the Association were +assembled, among whom were the Duke of GLUTLAND, the Right Hon. JAMES +MOWTHER, Mr. GRUNTZ, Mr. C. W. BRAY, M.P., and others. + +Mr. FLOWERD MISPENT, M.P., said he was proud to take the chair on such +an occasion, and to congratulate the assembly on the immense progress +made in the country of the principles they were met to advocate. +("_Hear, hear!_") Their great object had been, by forcing the Government +to put a prohibitive tax on all foreign imports whatever, to so +stimulate home industries, that while the producer flourished at the +expense of the consumer, the latter, representing four-fifths of the +nation, was driven to the verge of desperation by a general rise of +prices, that he was powerless either to stave off or meet. (_Loud +cheers._) He thought that the great bulk of the Middle Classes of the +country must, if not already hopelessly ruined, at least have got it +pretty hot. (_Laughter._) Take his own case. Owing to the new import +duties levied on foreign wool and silk, the tweed suit in which he stood +up before them on that platform had been charged to him by his tailor at +£37 15s. (_laughter_), while his hat, for the appearance of which he +could not say much, had cost him £5 18_s._ 6_d._ (_Renewed laughter._) +Such prices as these must tell in the long run on the pocket of that +great enemy of national industry, the "Consumer." (_Cheers._) + +The Chairman then read letters of apology from the Duke of TWICKENHAM, +Lord STARCH, and Baron DIMOCK, M.P., who declared their readiness to +favour any motion calculated to stimulate a still further rise of +prices. Mr. JOLLIS, M.P., wrote in a similar sense, and in a letter +expressing regret that he was unable to be present, Lord HAPENCE +said:--The brilliant future that is now dawning on the prospects of the +British Agricultural Interests must be patent to all. Only yesterday I +was charged 18_s._ 6_d._ in a local hotel bill for a small _omelette_, +and, on asking for some explanation, was informed by the waiter that +since the importation of French eggs had ceased, the market price of +those procurable from English poultry had risen to 4_s._ 6_d._ +(_cheers_), and they were not to be relied on at that. This is as it +should be. Need I say I paid my bill, not only without a murmur, but +with positive satisfaction. (_Loud cheers._) + + + * * * * * + +Sir EDWARD MULLIGAN, M.P., wrote:--"Your meeting is a very important +one, and has my cordial support. But with British-made ladies' gloves at +£1 3_s._ 6_d._ a pair, British-made chocolate at 17_s._ 6_d._ a pound, +and British-made silver watches at £38 a piece, it cannot be denied that +the absence of foreign competition has favourably affected home prices. +May this encouraging catalogue be continued. I hear, too, that since +prohibitive duty has been imposed on the importation of petroleum the +coarsest kinds of composite candles have been selling at 9_s._ 6_d._ a +pound. Living for the Middle Classes must be getting unendurable. I hail +the prospect as a hopeful sign of the times." (_Cheers._) + +Mr. JOYNTER, the Chairman of the Association, then rose to move the +first Resolution:--"That in consideration of the fact that, though the +threepenny halfpenny loaf was now at 3_s._ 9_d._, and that though the +agricultural labourer was paying 4_s._ 7_d._ a pound for bacon, £3 +17_s._ for a smock, and £1 15_s._ 6_d._ for a second-hand spade, and +that yet, notwithstanding these fiscal advantages, he did not seem +entirely satisfied with his improved condition, the meeting should urge +upon the State, the necessity of imposing still further prohibitive +duties on foreign imports in the hope of introducing even greater +complications into the vexed question of how to make the British +Consumer entirely support the British Producer." + +Mr. WAITLAND seconded the motion. He added, however, that +notwithstanding the undeniably flourishing condition of British trade at +home, he could not regard its prospects as equally satisfactory abroad. +Owing to the retaliatory action of Foreign Governments, our Exports +appeared somehow entirely to have disappeared. (_Laughter._) + +Mr. GRUNTZ, said that was so. Still there could be no doubt as to its +healthy progress in our midst, and that reflection ought to quiet the +misgivings and comfort the heart of the ardent Imperial Associationist. +He had in his pocket at that moment a British-made cigar. (_Cheers._) It +hadn't a nice flavour, it wouldn't draw, and it cost him 12s. +6d.--(_laughter_)--still, it was made of British-grown tobacco, and that +was everything. (_Hear, hear!_) Perhaps it was in their wine that people +of his class suffered most. In the old days he used to drink Dry +Monopole; but since a Government duty of £20 a dozen was imposed on all +imported Champagne, he had had to have his from the "British +Home-manufactured Wine Company;" and, though they charged him eleven +guineas a dozen for it, and he believed it frequently made his guests +seriously ill, still he felt he was supporting a "home industry," and +did not scruple to put it freely before them. (_Roars of laughter._) + +After the enthusiastic singing of "_Rule Britannia_" by the whole +meeting, a vote of thanks to the Chairman brought the proceedings, which +were of a very animated character, to a conclusion. + + * * * * * + +To the Modern Men of Gotham. + + "Fiscal Reform"? A pretty phrase + To mark the old exploded craze; + But, Gothamites, you're surely blind! + Think you to reach "Protection's" goal + By squatting in that leaky bowl, + And whistling for a (Fair Trade) Wind? + + * * * * * + +NEW WORK BY MR. O'BRIEN.--Under the general heading of _Tullamore +Tales_, we are to expect a good story, entitled, _Reverses on the other +side of the Tweed_. + + * * * * * + +OUR CHRISTMAS BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"King Diddle," by H. DAVIDSON, deals with the wondrous sight, Seen by +two little children in a lumber-room one night. + +And "Rider's Leap," by LANGBRIDGE,--no, not by RIDER HAGGARD, Shows how +a brave and noble youth, can never be a blaggard. + +[Illustration: Wrapped Up in a Book.] + + * * * * * + +(AIR--"_Zurich's Fair Waters._") + + The Christmas Number of London _Society_--_Society_! + With STRANGE WINTER, GRIFFITH, and FENN, + Gives us all a most pleasing variety--Variety! + There's a tale from the CAMERON pen. + + * * * * * + + If sly FRANCIS BACON was SHAKSPEARE _incog._, + His publisher nowadays ought to be HOGG, + Whose books for the Season, the "Stories and Yarns," + Must prove to us all that "one lives and one larns." + But "Cocky and Clucky and Cackle," I fear, + Which is from the German, is not very clear. + + * * * * * + + GRIFFITHS AND FARREN, farren-aceous food + For children's taste provide--all very good. + + * * * * * + + In his story of the "Willoughby" two "Captains," T. B. REED + Shows how a public school-boy's life both pride and courage need. + In your "Walks in the Ardennes," which some may prefer to Surrey-- + PERCY LINDLEY'S is a Guide-book--to be re-named "LINDLEY-MURRAY." + Here's "Bo-Peep" and also "Little Folks," with prose and verse + combined, + Wherein the smallest readers may find something to their mind. + The charming "Rosebud Annual,", with pictures, we confess + Is a book all little gardeners should certainly possess. + + * * * * * + + The Sporting Cards of HARDING, funny. + HAZELBERG'S "Diadem" worth the money. + + * * * * * + +(AIR--"_The Flowers that bloom._") + + For toys that pop up with a spring, + Tra la! + Or toys not at all in that line, + To CREMER'S you'll go, and you'll sing + Tra la! + I want to lay out a shil-_ling_, + Tra la! + For which you will get something fine + That cheapness and taste will combine. + For "_Modes et robes_ pour _les dames et les + en_fants," + And toy model series amusing and strong, + To CREMER, tra la! + To CREMER, tra la! + Junior CREMER, go! + + * * * * * + +Paintings on leather, satin, whence this show? +We reply, "WALKER"--meaning JOHN & CO. + +(_Chorus to "En revenant de la Revue."_) + + You're searching out for something very new + These diaries, all shapes and sizes, view, Sir. + Instead of "_En revenant de la Revue_," + With "date cards" _reviendrez_ DE LA RUE, Sir. + + * * * * * + + WIRTHS BROTHERS' cards we like, and for this reason-- + They are in keeping with the Christmas season. + Of Christmas Cards you ask well where on earth's + Their point? Quite so: but here's your money's wirths. + + * * * * * + +(AIR--"_John Peel._") + + Do you ken TOM SMITH + As you ought to do, + He is coming with + Some Crackers new, + Crackers and costumes not a few, + To make merry a Christmas ev'ning. + + * * * * * + +(AIR--"_The Jolly Young Waterman._") + + Oh, did you ne'er hear of the name ARTHUR ACKERMANN, + Who imports Christmas Cards called after PRANG, + They are American, 'tis safe to back a man, + Who holds for landscape cards premier rang. + + * * * * * + + The MARION Album intended for photos, + Three-quarter pictures with scant legs and no toes. + + * * * * * + + Cards neat and droll, not too elaborated, + Come from card-houses, which are CASTELL-ated. + + * * * * * + + "Take a Card," says BENNETT, "do," + And a satin card-case too. + + * * * * * + + The SOCKL Court Card much delighted the Bard. + And FAULKNER'S are charming. I "speak by the Card." + + * * * * * + +_The exhausted Poet addresses Mr. Punch._ + + Joy! Joy! my task I've done! and I, sweet Sire, + Vainly, Macbeth-like, strike the slavish lyre.[1] + I'll sing no more. Books! cards! go on the shelf. + Sooner than strike my harp, I'll "strike" myself! + My holiday's begun. Accept my benison! + Signed MORRIS-BROWNING-AUSTIN-SWINBURNE-TENNYSON. + +[Footnote 1: "Lyre and slave! (_strikes him._)"--_Macbeth_, Act v., sc. +5.] + + * * * * * + +QUITE CHRISTMASSY. + + "DANCING DOLLS IN CHANCERY.--The solicitors' table was cleared of + papers, and the ballet-girl doll, having been wound up, commenced to + dance on the table, to the amusement of a crowded court. Mr. Justice + KAY watched the performance with evident interest, and when the + dance was concluded the doll was handed up to him and carefully + examined. He then handed it to the Registrar of the Court, with an + injunction 'not to hurt it.'" + + _Daily News._ + + + Sing a song of Justice + KAY up in his place, + Four-and-twenty dancing dolls + All in a case; + When the case was opened + The dolls were made to play, + Wasn't that a pretty sight + For Mr. Justice KAY? + + The Judge sat in the Court-house + Thinking it so funny, + The dolls were on the table + Worth a lot of money, + His Lordship said, "The ballet- + Girly-dolly I'll inspect," + Which he did, and then pronounced it + "Quite O Kay," or "Orl Kayrect." + + * * * * * + +Occasionally our Mrs. RAM likes to display her perfect knowledge of the +French language. "I've just been reading," she said, "a most interesting +work, the life of Monsignor DUPANLOUP, who was the Bishop--or, as they +call it in French--the _Equivoque d'Orléans_." + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOCIETY'S NEW PET. + +_Delacruche (the rising young Tragedian at the Parthenon)._ "OH, THE +FICKLENESS OF WOMAN! LOOK AT THAT IDIOT THEY'RE ALL SWARMING OVER _NOW_! +UGH! I SHOULD LIKE TO _KICK_ HIM, IF EVER I GET AN OPPORTUNITY!" + +_Brown, F. R. S., &c., &c. (who is fond of Tragedies, but dislikes +Popular Tragedians)._ "OH, _DO_, MY DEAR FELLOW, _DO_! AND, I _SAY, LET +ME BE THERE TO SEE THE RESULT._" + +_Delacruche._ "HUMPH! WHO _IS_ THE BEAST?" + +_Brown._ "SLOGG, THE PUGILIST FROM CALIFORNIA, CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!" +[_Delacruche thinks better of it!_] + + * * * * * + +"QUITE ENGLISH, YOU KNOW." + +(_Latest Version, as sung by President Cleveland._) + + May I ask you, Columbia, this lady to note? + She's English, you know; quite English, you know. + (What effect will this have on the Democrat Vote? + She's English, I know; quite English, I know.) + She comes from a country that's cursed with a throne; + Yet I think, in your interest, she ought to be known. + She may help you to deal with your Surplus o'ergrown. + (That's not English, you know; not English, you know.) + + _Chorus._ + + I'll ask you, Columbia, this lady to hear; + She's English, you know; quite English, you know. + Her form, which is slim, and her eyes, which are clear, + Are English; quite English, you know. + + Just now, Ma'am, our Surplus has reached such a size, + (Not English, you know; not English, you know,) + The difficulty I can no more disguise. + (Plain English, you know; plain English, you know.) + Why, every year,--it reads like a romance-- + That Surplus, by millions, fails not to advance. + If at this young lady you'd give just a glance! + (She's English, you know; quite English, you know.) + + _Chorus._ + + Her words, Ma'am, may please, if you'll deign but to hear; + They're English, you know; quite English, you know. + If you banish her _now_, she must soon reappear. + Still English, quite English, you know. + + What Columbia has done she of course can undo + (That's English, you know; quite English, you know); + Our old fiscal system has gone all askew. + (Like the English, you know; say _some_ English, you know.) + Protection has got to the street that's called Queer; + Free Trade!--well, her advent may distant appear; + Anyhow, _do_ just glance at this lady, my dear. + She's English, you know; quite English, you know. + + _Chorus._ + + Mark the things she will say which 'twere prudent to hear, + They're English, you know; quite English, you know. + Our system's not solid or stable, I fear. + Not English, not English, you know. + + Protection and you very long have been friends + (That's Yankee, you know; quite Yankee, you know); + But sure such a Surplus serves no useful ends. + To Yankees, you know, robbed Yankees, you know. + Humph! Yes, English "Chambers of Commerce" _do_ pule + Just now for Protection; they're playing the fool. + But they'll hardly score much off the old Free Trade School. + That's English, you know; quite English, you know. + + _Chorus._ + + Heed not all the VINCENTS and BARTLETTS you hear, + Though English, you know; mad English, you know. + Economists know they are very small beer, + Though English, half English, you know. + + For SALISBURY, GLADSTONE and BRIGHT all agree + (They're English, you know; all English, you know,) + That this new Fair Trade fad is pure fiddle-de-dee. + (Not English, you know; _not_ English, you know.) + The Farmers and Landlords want prices to rise, + So they look on Fair Trade with encouraging eyes; + But they'll hardly get Statesmen to be their allies, + Who're English, you know; true English, you know. + +[Illustration: "QUITE ENGLISH, YOU KNOW." + +PRESIDENT CLEVELAND (_to_ COLUMBIA). "WILL YOU ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE +THIS YOUNG LADY?"] + + _Chorus._ + + Trade Chambers may vote, Tory delegates cheer + (They're sure to, you know; quite sure to, you know); + But "Fiscal Reform" won't fool many, I fear, + Who're English; wise English, you know. + + Columbia, _may_ I present my young friend? + She's English, I know; quite English, I know. + I _don't_ say adopt her; I _do_ say--attend, + Though she's English, you know; quite English, you know. + At any rate deign to vouchsafe her a smile, + I fear my Republican friends she will rile; + But she may prove a friend, though she comes from the Isle + That's English, you know; quite English, you know. + + _Chorus._ + + The things I have said 'tis high time you should hear, + In English, you know; plain English, you know. + So let me present this young lady, my dear, + Though she's English, quite English, you know! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW SHYLOCK. + +_From a Portrait sketched by the Great McDermott, Q.C., during a recent +Irish Trial._] + + * * * * * + +THE PLUCK OF GGGRRANDDDOLLLMANN'S CAMP. + +(_A Story of the Welsh Gold Fields._) + +BY BRITT PART. + +There was commotion in Gggrrandddolllmann's Camp. It could not have been +a fight, for in those days, just when gold had been discovered on Welsh +soil, such things as fights were unknown. And yet the entire settlement +were assembled. The schools and libraries were not only deserted, but +JONES'S Coffee Palace had contributed its tea-drinkers, who, it will be +remembered, had calmly continued their meal when even such an exciting +paper as the _Grocers' Journal_ had arrived. The whole Camp was +collected before a rude cabin on the outer edge of the clearing. +Conversation was carried on in a low tone, but the name of a man was +frequently repeated. It was a name familiar enough in the Camp--"W. E. +G.--a first-rate feller." Perhaps the less said of him the better. He +was a strong, but, it is to be feared, a very unstable person. However, +he had sent them a message, when messages were exceptional. Hence the +excitement. + +"You go in there, TAFFY," said a prominent citizen, addressing one of +the loungers; "go in there, and see if you can make it out. You've had +experience in them things." + +Perhaps there was a fitness in the selection. TAFFY had once been the +collector for a Trades Union Society, and it had been from some +informality in performing his duty that Gggrrandddolllmann's Camp was +indebted for his company. The crowd approved the choice, and TAFFY was +wise enough to bow to the majority. + +The assemblage numbered about a hundred men. Physically they exhibited +no indication of their past lives and character. They were ordinary +Britons, and there was nothing to show they had been less contented than +their neighbours; and yet these men, in spite of their loneliness, had +never wanted for a single reform. Until now they had been absolutely +satisfied with their lot. + +There was a solemn hush as TAFFY entered the Post Office. It was known +that he was reading the despatch. Then there was a sharp querulous +cry--a cry unlike anything heard before in the Camp. It was muttered by +TAFFY. He told them that the document called upon the whole community to +ask for Disestablishment and Home Rule. The Camp rose to its feet as one +man. It was proposed to explode a barrel of dynamite in imitation of the +Irish Nationalists, but in consideration of the position of the Camp, +which would certainly have been blown to pieces, better counsels +prevailed, and there was merely a cutting of bludgeons from the trees +the levelling of which W. E. G. was known to love so well. + +Then the door was opened, and the anxious crowd of men, who had already +formed themselves into a _queue_, entered in single file. On a table lay +the document they had come to read. + +"Gentlemen," said TAFFY, with a singular mixture of authority and _ex +officio_ complacency; "gentlemen will please pass in at the front door +and out of the back. Them as wishes to contribute anything towards the +carrying out of the written wishes of the document will find a hat +handy." + +The first man entered with his hat on; he uncovered, however, as he +looked at the writing, and so unconsciously set an example to the next. +In such communities good and bad actions are catching. As the procession +filed in, comments were audible. "A lot for the money!" "Just like him!" +"Gets a deal into three lines!" And so on. The contributions were as +characteristic. A life assurance policy, a pledge to abstain from +intoxicating drinks, several volumes on political economy. + +So the despatch was read and re-read a score of times, and it was found +necessary to give it a name. The natives of Wales are generally +sagacious, and so they gave it the name of the Pluck. For the sake of +the Pluck they did everything. It was certain, of late, they had not +been very successful. They had certainly not paid their rents, and +refused to patronise the Parson, and so the work of degeneration began +in Gggrrandddolllmann's Camp. Instead of working as of old, the +inhabitants gave up labour and shouted to one another. They repeated the +phrases of the despatch crying, "Be worthy of yourself, gallant little +Wales," "Remember Michelstown!" and went to sleep. Before the arrival of +the despatch they had been a clean, hard-working, thrifty race. +Latterly, however, there had been a rude attempt to let things go from +bad to worse. The newly discovered mines were deserted and all industry +was at a discount. "It is the Pluck of Gggrrandddolllmann's Camp that's +doing it," said TAFFY, as he gazed at the document as it lay on the +table before him. + +But at length things came to a crisis. The converted miners, as it has +been explained, refused to work, and then neglected to pay their rents. +Then came evictions, supported by the law. There was a confusion of +staves and bayonets, buck-shot and black-thorn sticks. The Camp +disappeared amidst much excitement. Some of the Campers emigrated, and +others were sent to gaol. TAFFY was missing. At length he was found in a +ditch, holding a postcard bearing some warlike words, and signed "W. E. +G." + +"I have got the Pluck with me now," he said, as he was arrested; and the +strong man, clinging to the thin document so full of wild advice, as a +drowning man is said to cling to a straw, was marched off to prison! + + * * * * * + +A Cry from the Counting-House. + +_English Clerk loquitur_:-- + + The times have been + When German brains no bout with us would try; + We ruled the roast. Now Teuton scribblers come, + With twenty languages upon their tongues, + And push us from our stools! + + * * * * * + +A SOUND OPINION.--Our Own French-Pronouncing Impressionist says that the +new Cabinet in Paris cannot possibly be a success, as it commences with +a FALLIÈRE. + + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A FESTIVE PROSPECT! + +_Husband._ "DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO INVITE YOUR MOTHER BACK IN MY----" + +_Wife._ "DEAR, THAT'S THE VERY THING SHE'S COME ABOUT! SHE READ YOUR +LETTER!" + +[_Tableau!_] + + * * * * * + +ADDIO, ADELINA! + +As Madame PATTI would have said, if she had thought of quoting BACON +last Tuesday week, and as somebody probably will say after reading this, +and then send it, a few months hence, to _Mr. Punch_ as quite new and +original, "When my KUHE comes, call me." And when her KUHE (English +pronunciation) did come, she came up to time and tune, and came up +smiling. Of course with such names as Mmes. PATTI, TREBELLI, Messrs. +LLOYD and SANTLEY with Miss EISSLER on the violin, Mr. LEO STERN ("Leo +the Terrible") on the 'cello (sounds uncomfortable this), Miss KUHE on +the pianoforte (unpleasant position), Mr. GANZ as "accompanyist," (what +an ugly word!) and the Great Panjandrum himself, Mr. W. G. CUSINS +(Sir W. G. CUSINS as is to be,--which was our Jubilee Midsummer Knight's +Dream) as Conductor, what could the result be, but success? Every seat +taken; up gets the Conductor, "Full inside, all right!" and on we goes +again! And after this, off goes Madame PATTI to America to earn any +amount of dollars by singing her well-known _répertoire_, which, with +one or two exceptions, she may leave t'other side of the Atlantic, and +return to tell us of "The songs I left behind me," and to chant with +feeling "_I cannot sing the old Songs_." _Au plaisir!_ ADELINA, and all +good Engels guard thee! I beg to sign myself, re-signing myself to the +absence of the Diva, + +THE CRITIC ON THE HARP. + + * * * * * + +THE FISTIC CRACK, SMITH. + +AIR--"_The Village Blacksmith._" + + Before the applauding British P. + The fistic crack, SMITH, stands, + JEM SMITH a mighty man is he, + With smart and smiting hands; + And the muscles of his legs and arms + Stand out like steely bands. + His hair is fair, and closely cropped, + His pink face bears no tan; + His brow is low, his wits seem slow, + He "gates" whate'er he can! + But he gets more cheers than SALISBURY'S self, + Or e'en the Grand Old Man. + + Whene'er their Champion spars at night + Excited Britons go, + To see him swing his left and right + With slogging force though slow; + And the guests are scarce a pretty sight, + They're loud and rather low. + Green youngsters scarce released from school + Flock in at the open door. + They love to see him "kid" and feint, + And pay their bobs therefor; + And if his right he does let fly + Great CÆSAR, _how_ they roar! + + At length he into training goes, + Attended by "the bhoys," + Punches the ball, pickles his hands, + With other training joys, + Which in the penny sporting prints + Abroad his backers noise, + To read the which boys about town + Esteem it Paradise; + They buy the accounts and o'er them pore, + Though probably all lies, + And to each other whisper them + With wonder-rounded eyes. + + Bouncing, belauding, gammoning, + Onward the game still goes; + But whether in the fistic ring + The Champions will close, + Why, that is quite another thing, + Which nobody quite knows. + Thanks, thanks to thee, my fistic friend, + For the lesson thou hast taught. + If pugs can get a barney up, + Whereby the crowd is caught, + What matters it whether they'll fight + Or whether they _have_ fought? + + * * * * * + +TOYING WITH TRUTH.--The Annual _Truth_ Toy Exhibition, which shows the +toys provided for any number of Children in our hospitals, workhouses, +and infirmaries at Christmas time, will be held at Willis's Rooms, +December 19 and 20. No further intimation is necessary. When there a +Will is, there a Way is. + + * * * * * + +BACON v. SHAKSPEARE. + +I. + + Says Misther DONELLY, + Who writes so funnily, + "Sure, BACON'S side I _am_ on." + "The side of BACON," + Says _Punch_, "you've taken + Against our WILL, is--gammon." + +II. + +(_With some allowance made for taking a false quantity._--ED.) + + American-Irish DON_EL_LY, + You're cunning as MICKY O'VELLY, + As you've undertaken + To prove SHAKSPEARE BACON. + Howld your whisht! "_Porker verba_," + I tell 'ee. + + * * * * * + +SONG FOR MR. PRITCHARD-MORGAN, OF +MAWDDACH VALLEY, NEAR DOLGELLY.--"_Darling MINE!_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SEVERAL ROUNDS. + +[Prize-Fighting having once again come into fashion, the above +Pugilistic Encounters must be recorded as anticipations of +"Boxing-Day."]] + + * * * * * + +THE PROFESSOR AT THE DINNER-TABLE. + +Professor MAHAFFY'S book on _The Art of Conversation_, seems witty, and +(in parts) wise. People who want to learn to talk well in society had +better consult the genial Professor, who declares that the art can be +acquired. In fact he hands to each of his readers, across the visionary +"walnuts and the wine," the pinch of Attic Salt which seasons +dinner-parties. The theory must, of course, be taken _cum grano_. A few +hints (strangely omitted in MAHAFFY'S "Haffy Thoughts,") are here +appended:-- + +Should you happen to be in company with a number of eminent Statesmen +belonging to one Party (say, at a dinner, when they can't get away from +you,) mind and point out in a loud voice what you conceive to have been +the chief errors of policy which they committed in their last Ministry, +and what would have been _your_ line in their place. If they are +smarting under recent defeat, and have just been turned out of Office, +they will be sure to thank you heartily for your kind advice. + +Supposing politicians of every shade of opinion to be present, your best +course will be to at once introduce some "burning" subject of the +day--say, Home Rule, or the personal character of Mr. GLADSTONE or Lord +SALISBURY. Your host will be delighted, and you will be surprised to +find what a brisk conversation you have initiated. + +Always talk "shop." It gives local colour to your style. For instance, +if you are a lawyer, and you see another legal gentleman at table, +engage him in a conversation as to "that curious Equity point in the +case of _The Queen_ v. _the Executors of Muggins, deceased_, before the +V.-C." Make your comments as technical as possible. If you don't soon +"get the table in a roar," it will be astonishing. By the way, there are +two kinds of "roar." + +Avoid the least appearance of shyness. This is a pushing age. If you are +really bashful by nature, assume a haughty and forbidding demeanour to +cover it. This will make you universally liked. + +Spice your talk with jokes. Invent at least six good puns for use at any +dinner to which you may be invited, and bring them out,--naturally, if +you can, but at any rate _bring them out! E.g._ If you are in Dublin, +in a company consisting of fervid Nationalists, who bitterly resent the +imprisonment of their Chief Magistrate, remark jocosely that "you hope +his Lordship is not suffering much from _mal de Mayor_!" Conversely, +when present at a dinner of Loyalists, refer to the eminent +Liberal-Unionist Leader as "HALF-HARTINGTON." In either case your host +is sure to ask you to come again. + +_Monopolise_ the conversation. CARLYLE did this, and so did MACAULAY, so +why shouldn't you? You may be a MACAULAY without knowing the fact. + +Remember that people like _anecdotes_. This is how HAYWARD got his +reputation. Don't hesitate because somebody has said that "all the good +stories have been told." If so, tell them again without flinching. + +Practise allusive and apparently unconscious swagger in private. When +you are sure that you can refer to "my friend the Duke of St. DAVID'S," +at a dinner-party without the slightest change of inflexion in your +voice and in a perfectly natural manner, you are fitted to adorn any +society--even the lowest. + +Never humour women who try to talk learnedly. Bring the conversation +down to feeding-bottles and keep it there. They will in reality +appreciate your kindness and knowledge of female nature, even if they +appear at the moment to resent it deeply. + + * * * * * + +VOCES POPULI. + +SCENE--_An Italian Restaurant--anywhere in the Metropolis. Only a few of +the small dining-tables are occupied as Scene opens. Near the buffet is +a small lift communicating with the kitchen, and by the lift a +speaking-tube._ + +_Enter an_ Adorer _with his_ Adored; _he leads the way down the centre +of the room, flushed and jubilant--he has not been long engaged, and +this is the very first time he has dined with Her like this_. + +_Adorer (beaming)._ Where would you like to sit, PUSSY? + +_Pussy (a fine young woman--but past the kitten stage)._ Oh, it's all +the same to _me_! + +_Adorer (catching an aggrieved note in her tone)._ Why, you don't really +think I'd have kept you waiting if I could help it? There's always extra +work on Foreign Post nights! (PUSSY _turns away and arranges hat before +mirror_). Waiter! (_A Waiter who has been reading the "Globe" in the +corner, presents himself with_ Menu.) What shall we have to begin with, +eh, PUSSY? + +[_The_ Waiter, _conceiving himself appealed to, disclaims the +responsibility with a shrug, and privately reflects that these stiff +Englishmen can be strangely familiar at times._ + +_Pussy._ Oh, I don't feel as if I cared much about anything--_now._ + +_Adorer._ Well, I've ordered Vermicelli Soup, and _Sole au gratin_. Now, +you must try and think what you'd like to follow. (_Tentatively._) A +Cutlet? + +_Pussy (with infinite contempt for such want of originality)._ A +Cutlet--the _idea_! + +_Adorer (abashed)._ I thought perhaps--but look down the list. (PUSSY +_glances down it with eyes which she tries to render uninterested._) +"_Vol au vent à l' Herbaliste_,"--that looks as if it would be rather +good. Shall we try that? + +_Pussy._ You may if you like--I shan't touch it myself. + +_Adorer._ Well, look here, then, "_Rognons sautés +Venézienne_,"--Kidneys, you know--you _like_ kidneys. + +_Pussy (icily)._ Do I? I was not aware of it. + +_Adorer._ Come--it's for you to say. (_Reads from list._) +"_Châteaubriand Bordelaise_," "Jugged Hare and Jelly," "Salmi of +Partridge." (PUSSY, _who is still suffering from offended dignity, +repudiates all these suggestions with scorn and contumely._) Don't like +any of them? Well, (_helplessly_) can't you think of anything you +_would_ like? + +_Pussy._ Nothing--except--(_with decision_)--a Cutlet. + +_Adorer (relieved by this condescension)._ The very thing! (_Tenderly._) +We will _both_ have Cutlets. + +_Waiter (who has been waiting in dignified submission)._ Two Porzion +Cutlet, verri well--enni Pottidoes? + +_Pussy (sharply)._ Potted what? + +_Adorer (to Waiter)._ Yes. (_To_ PUSSY, _aside, in same breath._) +Potatoes, darling. (_The_ Waiter _suspects he is being trifled with._) +Do you prefer them _sautés_, fried, or in chips,--or what? + +_Pussy (with the lofty indifference of an ethereal nature)._ I'm sure I +don't care how they're done! + +_Adorer._ Then--Potato-chips, Waiter. + +_Pussy_ (_as_ Waiter _departs_). Not for me--I'll have mine _sautés_! + +_Adorer (when they are alone, leaning across table)._ I've been looking +forward to this all day! + +_Pussy (unsympathetically)._ Didn't you have any lunch then? + +_Adorer._ I don't mean to the dinner--but to having you to talk with, +quite alone by our two selves. + +_Pussy (who has her dignity to consider)._ Oh, I daresay. I wish you'd +do something for me, JOSHUA. + +_Adorer (fervently)._ Only tell me what it is, darling! + +_Pussy._ It's only to get me that _Graphic_--I'm sure that gentleman +over there has done with it. + +[_The_ Adorer _fetches it with a lengthening face_: PUSSY _retires +behind the "Graphic," leaving him outside in solitude. At length he +asserts himself by fetching "Punch," (which he happens to have seen) +from an adjoining table. A Bachelor dining lonely and unloved on the +opposite side of the room, watches them with growing sense of +consolation._ + +AT THE SPEAKING-TUBE. + +_Waiter._ Una voce poco fa maccaroni! _(At least, it sounds something +like this. A little cupboard arrives by the lift containing a dish which +the_ Waiter _hastens to receive. The new arrival is apparently of a +disappointing nature,--he returns it indignantly, and rushes back to +tube._) La ci darem la mano curri rabbito Gorgonzola! + +_A Voice (from bottom of lift--argumentatively)._ Batti, batti; la donna +é mobile risotto Milanaise. + +_Waiter (losing his temper)._ Altro! Sul campo della gloria vermicelli! + +_The Voice (ironically)._ Parla tele d'amor o cari fior mulligatawni? + +_Waiter (scathingly)._ Salve di mora casta e pura entrecote sauce +piquante crême à l'orange cotelettes pommes sautés basta-presto! + +[_Corks up tube with the air of a man who has had the best of it._ + +AT ANOTHER TABLE. + +_Two Brothers are seated here, who may be distinguished for the purposes +of dialogue as the_ Good Brother _and the_ Bad Brother _respectively. +The_ Good B. _appears (somewhat against his will) to be acting as host, +though he restricts his own refreshment to an orange, which he eats with +an air of severe reproof._ The Bad B. _who has a shifty sullen look and +a sodden appearance generally, is devouring cold meat with the intense +solemnity of a person conscious of being more than three parts drunk. +Both attempt to give their remarks an ordinary conversational tone._ + +_The Bad B. (suddenly, with his mouth full)._ Will you lend me five +shillings? + +_The Good B._ No, I won't. I see no reason why I should. + +_The B. B. (in a low passionate voice)._ Will you lend me five +shillings? + +_The G. B. (endeavouring to maintain a virtuous calm)._ I don't _think_ +I will. + +_B. B._ You've been giving money away all the afternoon to people after +_I_ asked you for some! + +_G. B. (roused)._ I was _not_. It's dashed impertinence of you to say +such a thing as that. I'm sick of this dashed nonsense--sick and tired +of it! If I hadn't some principle left still, I should have gone to the +East long ago! + +_B. B._ I'm glad you didn't. I want five shillings. + +_G. B._ Want five shillings! You keep on saying that, and never say what +you want it _for_. You must have some object. Do you want it to go and +get drunk on? + +_B. B. (with a beery persistence)._ Lend me five shillings. + +_G. B. (reflectively)._ I don't intend to. + +_B. B. (in a tone of compromise)._ Then lend me a sovereign. + +_G. B. (changing the subject with a chilling hospitality)._ Would you +like anything after that beef? + +_B. B. (doggedly)._ I should like five shillings. + +_G. B. (irrelevantly)._ Look here! I at _once_ admit you've got more +brain than I have. + +_B. B. (handsomely)._ Not at all--it's you that have got more brain than +me. + +_G. B. (rejecting this overture suspiciously)._ I've more principle at +any rate, and, to tell you the truth, I'm not going to put up with this +dashed impertinent treatment any longer! + +_B. B._ You're not, eh? Then lend me five shillings. + +_G. B. (desperately)._ Here, Waiter--bill. I pay for this gentleman. + +_Waiter (after adding up the items)._ One and four, if you please. + +[_The G. B. pays._ + +_B. B._ And dashed cheap too! + +[_A small Cook-boy in white comes up to_ Waiter _and whispers_. + +_Waiter._ Ze boy say zat gentilman (_pointing to_ B. B.) tell him to +give twopence for him to ze Cook. + +_G. B. (austerely)._ I have nothing to do with that--he must settle it +with him. + +_B. B. (with fierce indignation)._ It's a lie! I gave the boy the money. +It was a penny! + +_Waiter (impassively)._ Ze boy say you did not give nosing. + +_B. B. (to G. B.)._ Be d----d! Don't you pay it--it's a rascally +imposition! See, Garcong, I'll tell you in French. _J'ai donné l'homme, +le chef, doo soo (holding up two fingers) pour lui-même-à servir._ + +_G. B._ I'm sorry to have to say it--but I don't believe your story. + +[_To the B. B._ + +_B. B. (rising)._ I'm going to have it out with Cook. (_Lurches up to +door leading to kitchen and exit. Sounds of altercation below. Re-enter +B. B. pursued by Voice. B. B. turning at door._) What did you say? + +_Voice._ I say you are dronken Ingelis pig, _cochon, va_! + +_B. B. Well,--_it's just as well you didn't say any more. (_Goes +up to_ Waiter, _confidentially_). That man down there was mos' +insultin'--_mos'_ insultin'. But, there, I'll give _you_ the +penny--there it is. (_Presses that coin into_ Waiter's _hand and closes +his fingers over it._) Put it in your pocket, quick--say no more 'bout +it, Goo' ni'. Only--remember (_pausing on threshold à la Charles the +First_) if anyone wantsh row--(_with recollection of Duke's motto_)--I'm +here! That 'sh all. (_To G. B._) I shall say goo' ni' to _you_ outside. + +[_Exit B. B. unsteadily._ + +_The G. B._ (_solemnly to_ Waiter). I tell you what it is--I'm ashamed +of him. There, I _am_. I'm _ashamed_ of him! + +[_He stalks after his Brother; sounds of renewed argument without, as +Scene closes in._ + + * * * * * + +BACON AGAIN.--An erudite student informs us that "the crest of +SHAKSPEARE'S mother's family was a boar," so that there is something +Baconian about the Immortal Bard. + + * * * * * + +_À PROPOS_ OF THE WELSH GOLD FIND.--Advice Gratis:--Beware of Welshers. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: hand symbol] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or +Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any +description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a +Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there +will be no exception. + + +[Transcriber's Note: + +Italic text indicated by underscores (_) at the start and end. + +Alternative spellings retained.] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +93, December 17, 1887, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40629 *** |