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diff --git a/40629-8.txt b/40629-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index f2a1e6e..0000000 --- a/40629-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1934 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, -December 17, 1887, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 93, December 17, 1887 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Francis Burnand - -Release Date: August 30, 2012 [EBook #40629] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 17, 1887 *** - - - - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Wayne Hammond, -Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - - - - -PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. - -VOL. 93. - - - - -DECEMBER 17, 1887. - - - - -THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P. - -FROM THE MINISTER TO PERSIA. - -_Hampstead, Saturday._ - -DEAR TOBY, - -I am, as you will understand, so busy in my preparations for departure, -that I fear I may not find time to call upon you, _p.p.c._, and -therefore take up my pen to write these few lines, hoping they will find -you well, as they leave me at present. It is an odd reflection to one -who has reached my time of life, that henceforward sixteen-shilling -trousers shall have no more interest for me. Already, in the privacy of -my room, I don the flowing robes of the East, and sit by the hour as you -see me in a little sketch I have had made, and beg your acceptance -herewith. It is all very strange to me yet. As GR-ND-LPH says, it is the -oddest thing in the world that the Ark and I, after much tossing about -in troublous waters, should finally settle down in the neighbourhood of -Ararat. If I had had my choice, I would not have gone so far afield. The -wise men, you know, come from the East, they do not go there; at least, -not further than Constantinople, which would have suited me admirably. -Rome I have eyed askance. I could have dressed the part for St. -Petersburg. Berlin would not have been bad; and I feel that I was born -for Paris. But the Markiss of course has his way, and he has mapped mine -out for Teheran. - -It is odd to reflect (and as I sit here trying to grow accustomed to the -hookah, I feel in a reflective mood) that if BR-DL-GH had not been -elected for Northampton in 1880, I would never have been Her Majesty's -Minister at the Court of the SHAH. Do you remember the night, nearly -eight years gone, when I jumped up from my seat below the Gangway and -physically barred BR-DL-GH'S passage up the House? In the loose way -history is written, GR-ND-LPH gets the credit of incubating the Fourth -Party. But if it had not been for me, that remarkable cohort would never -have existed, and the history of English politics for the last seven -years would have been written differently. GR-ND-LPH was actually not in -the House when I created the BR-DL-GH difficulty. Three weeks earlier, -on BR-DL-GH'S first presenting himself, FREDDY C-V-ND-SH had moved for a -Select Committee to consider his claim to make affirmation. ST-FF-RD -N-RTHC-TE had seconded the hum-drum motion, the Committee was agreed to, -and there the matter ended. When GR-SV-N-R moved to nominate the -Committee, I came to the front, was snubbed by H-LK-R at the instance of -our respected Leaders, but stuck to it then and after, till presently, -the Conservative Party, seeing the advantage, came round to my view and -poor ST-FF-RD N-RTHC-TE had to eat his words. GR-ND-LPH came on the -field and the ball was set rolling; but it was I who gave it the first -kick. - -And now behold me solemn, sedate, responsible, the Representative of the -greatest of Western Powers at the Court where once ARTAXERXES ruled! In -quitting Parliamentary life I leave behind me an example which young -Members will find it profitable to study. The opportunities I possessed -were held in common with hundreds of others whom I leave in obscurity. I -had no particular gifts that promised the comfortable pre-eminence I -have reached. The coarsest flatterer could not accuse me of oratorical -ability. GR-ND-LPH, I confess, excelled me there, and so did G-RST, an -abler man than either of us, but lacking in the quality that brought -GR-ND-LPHand me to the front and kept us there. What I did, was to keep -myself in evidence, and to make myself as disagreeable as possible to -people in authority. If the object of attack were GL-DST-NE, good; if it -were N-RTHC-TE, better, as showing more independence, and as securing -the favourable attention of the Opposition. It is a commonplace, -ordinary thing to be cheered by your own side. What the young aspirant -to Parliamentary distinction should look to, is to gain the applause of -the Benches opposite. R-B-CK knew that in old days, and so did H-RSM-N, -and in these later times GR-ND-LPH better and more successfully than -either. - -I quit the House of Commons with unfeigned regret, tempered only by the -anticipated pleasure of watching from Teheran the coming cropper of my -old friends. The deluge is surely coming for them, whilst I loll landed -high and dry upon Ararat. I like to make B-LF-R uneasy by telling him -this. But he boasts of an infallible receipt the Government have for -keeping up their Parliamentary majority. Here and there a bye-election -may reduce it, "but," says B-LF-R, "we can always play next, and win. -For every bye-election lost we clap an Irish Member in gaol, or, for the -matter of that, a Radical, and thus maintain an even balance. We lose -Coventry and they lose O'BR-N'S vote. Spalding goes, and T. H-RR-NGT-N'S -vote is crossed out. Northwich is lost, and the Lord Mayor of Dublin is -lagged. We lose a vote in the Exchange Ward, Liverpool, and they are -bereft of SHEEHY, whilst we have left to the good COX and E. H-RR-NGT-N, -with P-NE safe within the mud walls of his castle." - -That is all very well, but evidently it cannot go on indefinitely. I at -least am out of the scuffle happily, and in good time, and, political -life's fever over, shall live well. - - Yours faithfully, - H. D. W-LFF. - - * * * * * - -THE STRAIGHT TIP. - -(_To All whom it may concern._) - - Hasty assumption, by spite inspired, - Spouting in public before you've inquired - Basis of fact or authority's worth; - Wriggles, provoking much cynical mirth, - Roundaboutation, sophistical fudge; - Then retractation, but done with a grudge!-- - Gentlemen, gentlemen, _is_ this good form? - Would you political citadels storm - Like Heathen Chinees with (word) "stinkpots"? For shame! - This is not manfully playing the game. - It is not "good business," believe me, but bad, - Whether you're Tory or whether you're Rad. - Young and conceited, or old and grand, - To tell taradiddles--at second-hand! - - - * * * * * - -THEATRICAL RECIPROCITY. - -First of all came The London Savoyards, who, after sending their D'OYLY -CARTE _de visite_ in advance, showed our cousins-German the way to -perform Burlesque Opera of native English growth. Then followed HERR -WYNDHAM, and FRAÜLEIN MOORE, who have just been instructing the -Berliners in the art of playing Comedy, and have achieved an undeniable -success in _David Garrick_. Odd international combination this, English -actors playing before a German audience a piece adapted by an English -author from a French play translated into German. Our actors and -actresses will go in for the study of German, and as we now hear in -England that German labour ousts native labour from the market, so we -may expect very soon to hear German actors protesting against the influx -of English Theatrical Companies who are taking the bread out of their -mouths. What will be the next move in this game? Will SARDOU adapt _The -Butler_ to be played here by COQUELIN, in TOOLE'S part, and at his -theatre, with SARAH BERNHARDT as the Cook, just to strengthen the cast? -Herr WYNDHAM appeared at the Residenz Theatre. We hope he is not going -to take up his Residenz there, as we can't spare him. - - * * * * * - -Fling at Fair-Traders. - -_Duet in the "Tempest."_ STEPHANO _and_ TRINCULO. - - "Flout 'em and scout 'em, and scout 'em, and flout 'em. - Trade is free." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A MALADE IMAGINAIRE. - -"WHY!--HAS YOUR DACHS GOT A SORE THROAT, LIZZIE?"--"NO; BUT HE _THINKS_ -HE HAS!"] - - * * * * * - -ALTERAM PARTEM. - -SIR,--The reason why I have not hitherto contributed to the controversy -on the recent unhappy (Police) Divisions is, because I have been laid up -in the Hospital. Never mind which Hospital--but I have not been so -comfortable since I had the mumps, years and years ago, at school. Being -a born economist, I naturally turned out in my myriads to assist at a -gratis show in Trafalgar Square; and, Sir, I never came so near -realising what a "dead head" was in the whole course of a chequered (not -to say chuckered) career. But do I turn round and abuse the Police? Why, -ever since that fortunate Sunday, I have enjoyed, at no expense to -myself, the most delicate of viands, the tenderest of nursing, and a -complete immunity from even the suggestion of getting anything to do; -and, in addition to all this, the satisfaction of having employed the -services of a force to whose maintenance I have never contributed one -farthing. But soft, a nurse approaches, and I must dissemble. - - Yours, in Clover, - FREEMAN GRUBBER. - - * * * * * - -"Re-Joyce!" - - The Woodford tenants - Must have liquor'd - To hear of the penance - Of Lord CLANRICARDE. - - * * * * * - -A RASHER THEORY OF BACON. - - DEAR MR. PUNCH, - -I. It is plain that the _soi-disant_ SHAKSPEARE was poor to the end of -his days. This is proved by MILTON'S sonnet beginning-- - - "What needs my SHAKSPEARE for his honour'd bones?" - -This shows that the person in question was in the habit of selling his -kitchen refuse, and more noteworthy still, that MILTON was in the habit -of buying it. Whether out of respect for the vendor, which would go a -long way towards proving the esteem in which he was held, or because -MILTON was in the marine store line at this period, I leave to Mr. -DONNELLY to decide. - -II. It is certain that there is a cypher in the _Midsummer Night's -Dream_. _Pyramus_ has the line, "O, dainty duck. O, dear!" Now "duck" -stands with cricketers for 0, and 0 is a cypher (or is it figures that -are cyphers? but, never mind). Therefore we have here the expression, -"O, dainty cypher, O, dear!" which proves conclusively, that the cypher -was dainty,--exquisite, elaborated; and also that BAKSPEARE was heartily -tired of it, unless, "dear" refers to the terms he had to pay to SHAKON -to hold his tongue. But the fact that the supposed author used to sell -bones, and inferentially rags, to MILTON, rather militates against this -hypothesis. And here note what a flood of light is thrown upon the -disappearance of the manuscripts. They were indubitably sold, with the -honoured rags and bones to MILTON, who has certainly more than one -suspicious coincidence of thought and phraseology, especially in his -earlier poems. - -III. My play, _Piccoviccius_, contains the clue to the whole matter. -There is a picture on the title-page of a boy blowing an egg, while an -elderly gentlewoman, who is remarkably like the bust of the poet in -Stratford Church, looks on with every appearance of interest. Underneath -is the legend, "Lyttel FRANCIS teaching his Crypto-gra'mother." I am -firmly convinced that _Piccoviccius_ was _written by both of them_. The -style is not the least like that of either, which proves that they -didn't want everyone to know. I subjoin a specimen. The scene is the -palace of the usurping Duke _Jingulus_, who is about to wed the Lady -_Rachel_. - -Yours, -RODERICK TWEDDLE. - -JINGULUS, RACHEL, PHILOSTRATE, _and others_. - - _Jing._ Say, PHILOSTRATE, what abridgment have you for - This dull, three-volumed day? - - _Phil._ There is, my lord, - A show of cats and tame canary birds. - The cats, sleek sleepy creatures, well content, - Doze fur in fur, the while the nimble birds - Climb ladders, carry baskets, beg for pence: - Which given, they in bills receive, and take - With hops, well-satisfied unto their keepers, - Then the sleek cats sit up and 'gin to spar, - And get sleek heads in furry chancery. - - _Jing._ That will we not see at our wedding-time, - No sparring, nor no caging. Well, what next? - - _Phil._ A hunch-back'd man, long-nosed, there is, my lord, - Who in a curtained tabernacle dwells, - Himself, his wife, his child, a helpless babe, - His dog, of rare sagacity, though small, - Is full as large as all the family. - The man a cudgel bears, and carries it - As though he lov'd it. Spurning household cares, - To pity dead, he through the window flings - His wailing, helpless babe, nor spares the pæan - Of nasal triumph and the drumming foot. - The mother thus bereav'd, such comfort gets - As in the cudgel lies, and joins too soon - Her infant sped. Again the nasal song - Shrills, and the blood-stained tabernacle shakes - With heels triumphant tapping. All who come-- - Many there are who come--learn soon or late - The flavour of the cudgel. At the end - All human powers defied, the hangman trick'd - By childlike wile, and hois'd with his own halter, - A day of reckoning comes. The unseen world - A minister sends forth who terrifies - The heart that knew no terror; turns the song - Of triumph to a long wail of despair; - And this most wicked puppet goes below - The curtain of his booth. - - _Jing._ A moral play! - This we will see. Command it. Lords, away! - - [_Exit in State._ - - * * * * * - -HYDROPATHIC ART.--"O give me the sweet shady side of Pall-Mall," sang -Captain MORRIS, the Laureate of the Old Beef-steak Club. At the present -period of the year we have a greater liking for the sunny side. And the -sunniest spot on the sunny side we have discovered during the last week -is undoubtedly in the rooms of the Sanatorium presided over by Sir JOHN -GILBERT. The Royal Society of Painters in Water Colours is a capital -hydropathic establishment at this season of the year. - - * * * * * - -A NECESSARY EXPLANATION.--Considerable remark has been excited by the -sudden departure from London of Count CORTI, the Italian Ambassador. The -fact is, Count CORTI was compelled to appear at Rome, in person, as an -answer to the imperious order of recall which (to translate the legal -process exactly) is of the nature of a "County Corti Summons." - - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "M. LE PRÉSIDENT FAUTE-DE-MIEUX."] - - * * * * * - -SOCIETY SIBYLS. - - [Palmistry is now a fashionable amusement at bazaars and at evening - parties.] - - - The Sibyl in the times of old, - Who dealt in charms unlawful, - Had hair unkempt and eyes that rolled - 'Mid conjurations awful. - The prophetess of modern days, - Who dabbles in divining, - A pair of pleasant eyes will raise, - 'Neath hair that's soft and shining. - - The latest "fad" appears to be - Commingled fact and fancy, - What led of old LEUCONÖE - To trust to chiromancy. - Which is, the victim understands, - That each vice or perfection - Can be discovered in his hands - By Sibylline inspection. - - She'll tell us all the Mounts and Lines - Of Saturn and of Venus; - With man and wife her skill divines - What shadows come between us. - She sees in hands a taste for Art, - For Music, or for Letters, - And knows how often each poor heart - Has yielded to Love's fetters. - - It's rather hard to stand and hear - Your character decided, - And imperfections that appear, - By captious friends derided. - Yet if you'll listen to advice, - You'll smile, and looking pleasant, - Trust only prophecies when nice, - Of either past or present. - - * * * * * - -'ARRY ON HIS CRITICS. - -[Illustration] - - DEAR CHARLIE, - - I'm much obligated for that there _St. James's Gazette_ - As you sent me larst Satterday's post. I 'ave read it with hintrest, - you bet; - Leastways, more pertikler the harticle writ on "yours truly," dear - boy; - Wich the paper is one as a gent who is reelly a gent can enjoy. - - _I_ shall paternize it with much pleasure; it's steep, but it's - puffect good form. - Seems smart at the "ground" and the "lofty," _and_ makes it - tremenjusly warm - For WILLYUM the Woodchopper. Scissors! His name's _never_ orf of their - lips. - Wy, it's worth a fair six _d_ a week jest to see 'em a slating Old - Chips! - - Proves as 'ARRY is well to the front wen sech higperlite pens pop on - _him_, - Does me proud and no herror, dear pal; shows we're both in the same - bloomin' swim. - Still, they don't cop my phiz _quite_ ker-rect; they know GLADSTONE - right down to the ground; - But _I_ ain't quite so easy 'it off, don'tcher see, if you take me all - round. - - Old Collars is simple as lyin', becos he's _all_ bad, poor old 'ack, - And you can't be fur out in his portrait as long as you slop on the - black. - But I'm quite another guess sort; penny plain, tuppence coloured, yer - see, - May do all very well for the ruck; but they'll find it won't arnser - for me! - - I'm a daisy, dear boy, and no 'eeltaps! I wish the _St. James's_ young - man - Could drop into my diggings permiskus; he's welcome whenever he can; - For he isn't no J., that's a moral; I don't bear no malice; no fear! - But I'd open 'is hoptics a mossel concernin' my style and my spere. - - The essence of 'ARRY, he sez, is high sperrits. _That_ ain't so fur - out. - I'm "Fiz," not four 'arf, my dear feller. Flare-up is my motter, no - doubt. - Carn't set in a corner canoodling, and do the Q. T. day and night. - My mug, mate, was made for a larf, and you don't ketch it pulling a - kite. - - So fur all serene; but this joker, I tell yer, runs slap orf the track - Wen he says that my togs and my talk are "the fashion of sev'ral years - back." - The slang of the past is my patter--_mine_, CHARLIE, he sez! Poor - young man! - If _I_ carn't keep upsides with the cackle of snide 'uns, dear - CHARLIE, who _can_? - - Wot _is_ slang, my dear boy, that's the question. The mugs and the - jugs never joke, - Never gag, never work in a wheeze; no, their talk is all skilly and - toke, - 'Cos they ain't got no bloomin' hinvention; they keeps to the old line - of rails, - With about as much "go" as a Blue Point, about as much rattle as - snails. - - MAVOR'S Spellin' and Copybook motters is all they can run to. But - slang? - Wy, it's simply smart patter, of wich ony me and my sort 'as the 'ang. - Snappy snideness put pithy, my pippin, the pick of the _chick_ and the - hodd, - And it fettles up talk, my dear CHARLIE, like 'ot hoyster sauce with - biled cod. - - "Swell vernacular"? _Swells_ don't invent it; they nick it from hus, - and no kid. - Did a swell ever start a new wheeze? Would it 'ave any run if he did? - Let the ink-slingers trot out _their_ kibosh, and jest see 'ow flabby - it falls. - Bet it won't raise a grin at the bar, bet it won't git a 'and at the - 'Alls. - - And fancy _my_ slang being stale, CHARLIE! Gives me the needle, that - do. - In course I've been in it for years, mate, and mix up the old and the - new; - But if the _St. James's_ young gentleman fancies hisself on this lay, - I'll "slang" him for glasses all round, him whose patter fust fails - 'im to pay. - - Then he sez, "'ARRY'S always a Londoner." Shows 'ARRY ain't no bad - judge. - "Wot the crockerdile is to the Nile 'ARRY is to the Thames." Well, - that's fudge. - _That's_ a ink-slinger's try-on at patter. Might jest as well call me - a moke. - Try another, young man; this is kibosh purtending to pass for a joke. - - Wen he sez my god's "go,"--well he's 'it it. Great Scott! wot is life - without "go"? - But "loud, slangy, vulgar"? No, 'ang it, young man, this is--well, - there, it's _low_. - _Me_ vulgar! a Primroser, CHARLIE, a true "Anti-Radical" pot! - No, excuse me, St. J., I admire you; but this is all dashed tommy-rot. - - Stale, too, orful stale, my young josser. It's wot all the - soap-crawlers say, - If a party 'as "go" and "high sperrits"--percise wot you praise me - for, hay?-- - If he "can laugh aloud," as you say I can, better than much finer - folk, - Will you ticket 'im "vulgar," _for doin' it?_ Oh, you go 'ome and eat - coke! - - Leastways I don't mean that exackly; I like you too well; you're my - sort; - But you ain't took my measure kerrect, I'm a Tory, a patriot, a - "sport." - So wy should _you_ round on me thusly? I call it a little mite mean. - If I took and turned Radical now; but oh! no, 'ARRY isn't so green. - - 'Owsomever in one thing you've nicked me. No marriage - for 'ARRY, sez you. - O, right you are, chummie! I'm single, you bet, though I'm turned - twenty-two, - And I've 'ad lots o' chances, I tell yer; fair 'ot 'uns, old man, and - no kid. - But I'll 'ave a free run for _my_ money, as long as I'm good for a - quid. - - Yah! Marriage is orful queer paper; it's fatal, dear boy, as you say, - It damps down the rortiest dasher, it spiles yer for every prime lay. - No; gals is good fun, wives wet blankets, that's wot my egsperience - tells, - And the swells foller me on that track, though _you_ say as I follers - the swells. - - Wot odds arter all? We're jest dittos! I'm not bad at bottom, sez you. - Well, thankye for nothink, my joker. As long as I've bullion to blue, - I mean to romp round a rare buster, lark, lap, take the pick of the - fun, - And, bottom or top, good or bad, keep my heye on one mark--Number One! - - There, CHARLIE, that's 'ow I should answer my criticks. They ain't - nicked me yet, - Not even the pick o' the basket, 'im of the _St. James's Gazette_. - He's not a bad sort though, I reckon. Laugh, lark, cut a dash, never - marry! - Yus, it only want's my fillin' in to make that a fair photo, of - -'ARRY. - - * * * * * - -WELL PROTECTED; - -OR, WHAT IT WILL COME TO. - -A Demonstration was held yesterday afternoon at St. Giles's Hall, in -connection with the Imperial Association, for the raising of -Agricultural and other Prices, "to protest still further against the -late unrestricted ability to live on their means enjoyed by the British -Middle Classes," and "to take ulterior measures for rendering it more -impossible." A large number of members of the Association were -assembled, among whom were the Duke of GLUTLAND, the Right Hon. JAMES -MOWTHER, Mr. GRUNTZ, Mr. C. W. BRAY, M.P., and others. - -Mr. FLOWERD MISPENT, M.P., said he was proud to take the chair on such -an occasion, and to congratulate the assembly on the immense progress -made in the country of the principles they were met to advocate. -("_Hear, hear!_") Their great object had been, by forcing the Government -to put a prohibitive tax on all foreign imports whatever, to so -stimulate home industries, that while the producer flourished at the -expense of the consumer, the latter, representing four-fifths of the -nation, was driven to the verge of desperation by a general rise of -prices, that he was powerless either to stave off or meet. (_Loud -cheers._) He thought that the great bulk of the Middle Classes of the -country must, if not already hopelessly ruined, at least have got it -pretty hot. (_Laughter._) Take his own case. Owing to the new import -duties levied on foreign wool and silk, the tweed suit in which he stood -up before them on that platform had been charged to him by his tailor at -£37 15s. (_laughter_), while his hat, for the appearance of which he -could not say much, had cost him £5 18_s._ 6_d._ (_Renewed laughter._) -Such prices as these must tell in the long run on the pocket of that -great enemy of national industry, the "Consumer." (_Cheers._) - -The Chairman then read letters of apology from the Duke of TWICKENHAM, -Lord STARCH, and Baron DIMOCK, M.P., who declared their readiness to -favour any motion calculated to stimulate a still further rise of -prices. Mr. JOLLIS, M.P., wrote in a similar sense, and in a letter -expressing regret that he was unable to be present, Lord HAPENCE -said:--The brilliant future that is now dawning on the prospects of the -British Agricultural Interests must be patent to all. Only yesterday I -was charged 18_s._ 6_d._ in a local hotel bill for a small _omelette_, -and, on asking for some explanation, was informed by the waiter that -since the importation of French eggs had ceased, the market price of -those procurable from English poultry had risen to 4_s._ 6_d._ -(_cheers_), and they were not to be relied on at that. This is as it -should be. Need I say I paid my bill, not only without a murmur, but -with positive satisfaction. (_Loud cheers._) - - - * * * * * - -Sir EDWARD MULLIGAN, M.P., wrote:--"Your meeting is a very important -one, and has my cordial support. But with British-made ladies' gloves at -£1 3_s._ 6_d._ a pair, British-made chocolate at 17_s._ 6_d._ a pound, -and British-made silver watches at £38 a piece, it cannot be denied that -the absence of foreign competition has favourably affected home prices. -May this encouraging catalogue be continued. I hear, too, that since -prohibitive duty has been imposed on the importation of petroleum the -coarsest kinds of composite candles have been selling at 9_s._ 6_d._ a -pound. Living for the Middle Classes must be getting unendurable. I hail -the prospect as a hopeful sign of the times." (_Cheers._) - -Mr. JOYNTER, the Chairman of the Association, then rose to move the -first Resolution:--"That in consideration of the fact that, though the -threepenny halfpenny loaf was now at 3_s._ 9_d._, and that though the -agricultural labourer was paying 4_s._ 7_d._ a pound for bacon, £3 -17_s._ for a smock, and £1 15_s._ 6_d._ for a second-hand spade, and -that yet, notwithstanding these fiscal advantages, he did not seem -entirely satisfied with his improved condition, the meeting should urge -upon the State, the necessity of imposing still further prohibitive -duties on foreign imports in the hope of introducing even greater -complications into the vexed question of how to make the British -Consumer entirely support the British Producer." - -Mr. WAITLAND seconded the motion. He added, however, that -notwithstanding the undeniably flourishing condition of British trade at -home, he could not regard its prospects as equally satisfactory abroad. -Owing to the retaliatory action of Foreign Governments, our Exports -appeared somehow entirely to have disappeared. (_Laughter._) - -Mr. GRUNTZ, said that was so. Still there could be no doubt as to its -healthy progress in our midst, and that reflection ought to quiet the -misgivings and comfort the heart of the ardent Imperial Associationist. -He had in his pocket at that moment a British-made cigar. (_Cheers._) It -hadn't a nice flavour, it wouldn't draw, and it cost him 12s. -6d.--(_laughter_)--still, it was made of British-grown tobacco, and that -was everything. (_Hear, hear!_) Perhaps it was in their wine that people -of his class suffered most. In the old days he used to drink Dry -Monopole; but since a Government duty of £20 a dozen was imposed on all -imported Champagne, he had had to have his from the "British -Home-manufactured Wine Company;" and, though they charged him eleven -guineas a dozen for it, and he believed it frequently made his guests -seriously ill, still he felt he was supporting a "home industry," and -did not scruple to put it freely before them. (_Roars of laughter._) - -After the enthusiastic singing of "_Rule Britannia_" by the whole -meeting, a vote of thanks to the Chairman brought the proceedings, which -were of a very animated character, to a conclusion. - - * * * * * - -To the Modern Men of Gotham. - - "Fiscal Reform"? A pretty phrase - To mark the old exploded craze; - But, Gothamites, you're surely blind! - Think you to reach "Protection's" goal - By squatting in that leaky bowl, - And whistling for a (Fair Trade) Wind? - - * * * * * - -NEW WORK BY MR. O'BRIEN.--Under the general heading of _Tullamore -Tales_, we are to expect a good story, entitled, _Reverses on the other -side of the Tweed_. - - * * * * * - -OUR CHRISTMAS BOOKING-OFFICE. - -"King Diddle," by H. DAVIDSON, deals with the wondrous sight, Seen by -two little children in a lumber-room one night. - -And "Rider's Leap," by LANGBRIDGE,--no, not by RIDER HAGGARD, Shows how -a brave and noble youth, can never be a blaggard. - -[Illustration: Wrapped Up in a Book.] - - * * * * * - -(AIR--"_Zurich's Fair Waters._") - - The Christmas Number of London _Society_--_Society_! - With STRANGE WINTER, GRIFFITH, and FENN, - Gives us all a most pleasing variety--Variety! - There's a tale from the CAMERON pen. - - * * * * * - - If sly FRANCIS BACON was SHAKSPEARE _incog._, - His publisher nowadays ought to be HOGG, - Whose books for the Season, the "Stories and Yarns," - Must prove to us all that "one lives and one larns." - But "Cocky and Clucky and Cackle," I fear, - Which is from the German, is not very clear. - - * * * * * - - GRIFFITHS AND FARREN, farren-aceous food - For children's taste provide--all very good. - - * * * * * - - In his story of the "Willoughby" two "Captains," T. B. REED - Shows how a public school-boy's life both pride and courage need. - In your "Walks in the Ardennes," which some may prefer to Surrey-- - PERCY LINDLEY'S is a Guide-book--to be re-named "LINDLEY-MURRAY." - Here's "Bo-Peep" and also "Little Folks," with prose and verse - combined, - Wherein the smallest readers may find something to their mind. - The charming "Rosebud Annual,", with pictures, we confess - Is a book all little gardeners should certainly possess. - - * * * * * - - The Sporting Cards of HARDING, funny. - HAZELBERG'S "Diadem" worth the money. - - * * * * * - -(AIR--"_The Flowers that bloom._") - - For toys that pop up with a spring, - Tra la! - Or toys not at all in that line, - To CREMER'S you'll go, and you'll sing - Tra la! - I want to lay out a shil-_ling_, - Tra la! - For which you will get something fine - That cheapness and taste will combine. - For "_Modes et robes_ pour _les dames et les - en_fants," - And toy model series amusing and strong, - To CREMER, tra la! - To CREMER, tra la! - Junior CREMER, go! - - * * * * * - -Paintings on leather, satin, whence this show? -We reply, "WALKER"--meaning JOHN & CO. - -(_Chorus to "En revenant de la Revue."_) - - You're searching out for something very new - These diaries, all shapes and sizes, view, Sir. - Instead of "_En revenant de la Revue_," - With "date cards" _reviendrez_ DE LA RUE, Sir. - - * * * * * - - WIRTHS BROTHERS' cards we like, and for this reason-- - They are in keeping with the Christmas season. - Of Christmas Cards you ask well where on earth's - Their point? Quite so: but here's your money's wirths. - - * * * * * - -(AIR--"_John Peel._") - - Do you ken TOM SMITH - As you ought to do, - He is coming with - Some Crackers new, - Crackers and costumes not a few, - To make merry a Christmas ev'ning. - - * * * * * - -(AIR--"_The Jolly Young Waterman._") - - Oh, did you ne'er hear of the name ARTHUR ACKERMANN, - Who imports Christmas Cards called after PRANG, - They are American, 'tis safe to back a man, - Who holds for landscape cards premier rang. - - * * * * * - - The MARION Album intended for photos, - Three-quarter pictures with scant legs and no toes. - - * * * * * - - Cards neat and droll, not too elaborated, - Come from card-houses, which are CASTELL-ated. - - * * * * * - - "Take a Card," says BENNETT, "do," - And a satin card-case too. - - * * * * * - - The SOCKL Court Card much delighted the Bard. - And FAULKNER'S are charming. I "speak by the Card." - - * * * * * - -_The exhausted Poet addresses Mr. Punch._ - - Joy! Joy! my task I've done! and I, sweet Sire, - Vainly, Macbeth-like, strike the slavish lyre.[1] - I'll sing no more. Books! cards! go on the shelf. - Sooner than strike my harp, I'll "strike" myself! - My holiday's begun. Accept my benison! - Signed MORRIS-BROWNING-AUSTIN-SWINBURNE-TENNYSON. - -[Footnote 1: "Lyre and slave! (_strikes him._)"--_Macbeth_, Act v., sc. -5.] - - * * * * * - -QUITE CHRISTMASSY. - - "DANCING DOLLS IN CHANCERY.--The solicitors' table was cleared of - papers, and the ballet-girl doll, having been wound up, commenced to - dance on the table, to the amusement of a crowded court. Mr. Justice - KAY watched the performance with evident interest, and when the - dance was concluded the doll was handed up to him and carefully - examined. He then handed it to the Registrar of the Court, with an - injunction 'not to hurt it.'" - - _Daily News._ - - - Sing a song of Justice - KAY up in his place, - Four-and-twenty dancing dolls - All in a case; - When the case was opened - The dolls were made to play, - Wasn't that a pretty sight - For Mr. Justice KAY? - - The Judge sat in the Court-house - Thinking it so funny, - The dolls were on the table - Worth a lot of money, - His Lordship said, "The ballet- - Girly-dolly I'll inspect," - Which he did, and then pronounced it - "Quite O Kay," or "Orl Kayrect." - - * * * * * - -Occasionally our Mrs. RAM likes to display her perfect knowledge of the -French language. "I've just been reading," she said, "a most interesting -work, the life of Monsignor DUPANLOUP, who was the Bishop--or, as they -call it in French--the _Equivoque d'Orléans_." - - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SOCIETY'S NEW PET. - -_Delacruche (the rising young Tragedian at the Parthenon)._ "OH, THE -FICKLENESS OF WOMAN! LOOK AT THAT IDIOT THEY'RE ALL SWARMING OVER _NOW_! -UGH! I SHOULD LIKE TO _KICK_ HIM, IF EVER I GET AN OPPORTUNITY!" - -_Brown, F. R. S., &c., &c. (who is fond of Tragedies, but dislikes -Popular Tragedians)._ "OH, _DO_, MY DEAR FELLOW, _DO_! AND, I _SAY, LET -ME BE THERE TO SEE THE RESULT._" - -_Delacruche._ "HUMPH! WHO _IS_ THE BEAST?" - -_Brown._ "SLOGG, THE PUGILIST FROM CALIFORNIA, CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!" -[_Delacruche thinks better of it!_] - - * * * * * - -"QUITE ENGLISH, YOU KNOW." - -(_Latest Version, as sung by President Cleveland._) - - May I ask you, Columbia, this lady to note? - She's English, you know; quite English, you know. - (What effect will this have on the Democrat Vote? - She's English, I know; quite English, I know.) - She comes from a country that's cursed with a throne; - Yet I think, in your interest, she ought to be known. - She may help you to deal with your Surplus o'ergrown. - (That's not English, you know; not English, you know.) - - _Chorus._ - - I'll ask you, Columbia, this lady to hear; - She's English, you know; quite English, you know. - Her form, which is slim, and her eyes, which are clear, - Are English; quite English, you know. - - Just now, Ma'am, our Surplus has reached such a size, - (Not English, you know; not English, you know,) - The difficulty I can no more disguise. - (Plain English, you know; plain English, you know.) - Why, every year,--it reads like a romance-- - That Surplus, by millions, fails not to advance. - If at this young lady you'd give just a glance! - (She's English, you know; quite English, you know.) - - _Chorus._ - - Her words, Ma'am, may please, if you'll deign but to hear; - They're English, you know; quite English, you know. - If you banish her _now_, she must soon reappear. - Still English, quite English, you know. - - What Columbia has done she of course can undo - (That's English, you know; quite English, you know); - Our old fiscal system has gone all askew. - (Like the English, you know; say _some_ English, you know.) - Protection has got to the street that's called Queer; - Free Trade!--well, her advent may distant appear; - Anyhow, _do_ just glance at this lady, my dear. - She's English, you know; quite English, you know. - - _Chorus._ - - Mark the things she will say which 'twere prudent to hear, - They're English, you know; quite English, you know. - Our system's not solid or stable, I fear. - Not English, not English, you know. - - Protection and you very long have been friends - (That's Yankee, you know; quite Yankee, you know); - But sure such a Surplus serves no useful ends. - To Yankees, you know, robbed Yankees, you know. - Humph! Yes, English "Chambers of Commerce" _do_ pule - Just now for Protection; they're playing the fool. - But they'll hardly score much off the old Free Trade School. - That's English, you know; quite English, you know. - - _Chorus._ - - Heed not all the VINCENTS and BARTLETTS you hear, - Though English, you know; mad English, you know. - Economists know they are very small beer, - Though English, half English, you know. - - For SALISBURY, GLADSTONE and BRIGHT all agree - (They're English, you know; all English, you know,) - That this new Fair Trade fad is pure fiddle-de-dee. - (Not English, you know; _not_ English, you know.) - The Farmers and Landlords want prices to rise, - So they look on Fair Trade with encouraging eyes; - But they'll hardly get Statesmen to be their allies, - Who're English, you know; true English, you know. - -[Illustration: "QUITE ENGLISH, YOU KNOW." - -PRESIDENT CLEVELAND (_to_ COLUMBIA). "WILL YOU ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE -THIS YOUNG LADY?"] - - _Chorus._ - - Trade Chambers may vote, Tory delegates cheer - (They're sure to, you know; quite sure to, you know); - But "Fiscal Reform" won't fool many, I fear, - Who're English; wise English, you know. - - Columbia, _may_ I present my young friend? - She's English, I know; quite English, I know. - I _don't_ say adopt her; I _do_ say--attend, - Though she's English, you know; quite English, you know. - At any rate deign to vouchsafe her a smile, - I fear my Republican friends she will rile; - But she may prove a friend, though she comes from the Isle - That's English, you know; quite English, you know. - - _Chorus._ - - The things I have said 'tis high time you should hear, - In English, you know; plain English, you know. - So let me present this young lady, my dear, - Though she's English, quite English, you know! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE NEW SHYLOCK. - -_From a Portrait sketched by the Great McDermott, Q.C., during a recent -Irish Trial._] - - * * * * * - -THE PLUCK OF GGGRRANDDDOLLLMANN'S CAMP. - -(_A Story of the Welsh Gold Fields._) - -BY BRITT PART. - -There was commotion in Gggrrandddolllmann's Camp. It could not have been -a fight, for in those days, just when gold had been discovered on Welsh -soil, such things as fights were unknown. And yet the entire settlement -were assembled. The schools and libraries were not only deserted, but -JONES'S Coffee Palace had contributed its tea-drinkers, who, it will be -remembered, had calmly continued their meal when even such an exciting -paper as the _Grocers' Journal_ had arrived. The whole Camp was -collected before a rude cabin on the outer edge of the clearing. -Conversation was carried on in a low tone, but the name of a man was -frequently repeated. It was a name familiar enough in the Camp--"W. E. -G.--a first-rate feller." Perhaps the less said of him the better. He -was a strong, but, it is to be feared, a very unstable person. However, -he had sent them a message, when messages were exceptional. Hence the -excitement. - -"You go in there, TAFFY," said a prominent citizen, addressing one of -the loungers; "go in there, and see if you can make it out. You've had -experience in them things." - -Perhaps there was a fitness in the selection. TAFFY had once been the -collector for a Trades Union Society, and it had been from some -informality in performing his duty that Gggrrandddolllmann's Camp was -indebted for his company. The crowd approved the choice, and TAFFY was -wise enough to bow to the majority. - -The assemblage numbered about a hundred men. Physically they exhibited -no indication of their past lives and character. They were ordinary -Britons, and there was nothing to show they had been less contented than -their neighbours; and yet these men, in spite of their loneliness, had -never wanted for a single reform. Until now they had been absolutely -satisfied with their lot. - -There was a solemn hush as TAFFY entered the Post Office. It was known -that he was reading the despatch. Then there was a sharp querulous -cry--a cry unlike anything heard before in the Camp. It was muttered by -TAFFY. He told them that the document called upon the whole community to -ask for Disestablishment and Home Rule. The Camp rose to its feet as one -man. It was proposed to explode a barrel of dynamite in imitation of the -Irish Nationalists, but in consideration of the position of the Camp, -which would certainly have been blown to pieces, better counsels -prevailed, and there was merely a cutting of bludgeons from the trees -the levelling of which W. E. G. was known to love so well. - -Then the door was opened, and the anxious crowd of men, who had already -formed themselves into a _queue_, entered in single file. On a table lay -the document they had come to read. - -"Gentlemen," said TAFFY, with a singular mixture of authority and _ex -officio_ complacency; "gentlemen will please pass in at the front door -and out of the back. Them as wishes to contribute anything towards the -carrying out of the written wishes of the document will find a hat -handy." - -The first man entered with his hat on; he uncovered, however, as he -looked at the writing, and so unconsciously set an example to the next. -In such communities good and bad actions are catching. As the procession -filed in, comments were audible. "A lot for the money!" "Just like him!" -"Gets a deal into three lines!" And so on. The contributions were as -characteristic. A life assurance policy, a pledge to abstain from -intoxicating drinks, several volumes on political economy. - -So the despatch was read and re-read a score of times, and it was found -necessary to give it a name. The natives of Wales are generally -sagacious, and so they gave it the name of the Pluck. For the sake of -the Pluck they did everything. It was certain, of late, they had not -been very successful. They had certainly not paid their rents, and -refused to patronise the Parson, and so the work of degeneration began -in Gggrrandddolllmann's Camp. Instead of working as of old, the -inhabitants gave up labour and shouted to one another. They repeated the -phrases of the despatch crying, "Be worthy of yourself, gallant little -Wales," "Remember Michelstown!" and went to sleep. Before the arrival of -the despatch they had been a clean, hard-working, thrifty race. -Latterly, however, there had been a rude attempt to let things go from -bad to worse. The newly discovered mines were deserted and all industry -was at a discount. "It is the Pluck of Gggrrandddolllmann's Camp that's -doing it," said TAFFY, as he gazed at the document as it lay on the -table before him. - -But at length things came to a crisis. The converted miners, as it has -been explained, refused to work, and then neglected to pay their rents. -Then came evictions, supported by the law. There was a confusion of -staves and bayonets, buck-shot and black-thorn sticks. The Camp -disappeared amidst much excitement. Some of the Campers emigrated, and -others were sent to gaol. TAFFY was missing. At length he was found in a -ditch, holding a postcard bearing some warlike words, and signed "W. E. -G." - -"I have got the Pluck with me now," he said, as he was arrested; and the -strong man, clinging to the thin document so full of wild advice, as a -drowning man is said to cling to a straw, was marched off to prison! - - * * * * * - -A Cry from the Counting-House. - -_English Clerk loquitur_:-- - - The times have been - When German brains no bout with us would try; - We ruled the roast. Now Teuton scribblers come, - With twenty languages upon their tongues, - And push us from our stools! - - * * * * * - -A SOUND OPINION.--Our Own French-Pronouncing Impressionist says that the -new Cabinet in Paris cannot possibly be a success, as it commences with -a FALLIÈRE. - - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A FESTIVE PROSPECT! - -_Husband._ "DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO INVITE YOUR MOTHER BACK IN MY----" - -_Wife._ "DEAR, THAT'S THE VERY THING SHE'S COME ABOUT! SHE READ YOUR -LETTER!" - -[_Tableau!_] - - * * * * * - -ADDIO, ADELINA! - -As Madame PATTI would have said, if she had thought of quoting BACON -last Tuesday week, and as somebody probably will say after reading this, -and then send it, a few months hence, to _Mr. Punch_ as quite new and -original, "When my KUHE comes, call me." And when her KUHE (English -pronunciation) did come, she came up to time and tune, and came up -smiling. Of course with such names as Mmes. PATTI, TREBELLI, Messrs. -LLOYD and SANTLEY with Miss EISSLER on the violin, Mr. LEO STERN ("Leo -the Terrible") on the 'cello (sounds uncomfortable this), Miss KUHE on -the pianoforte (unpleasant position), Mr. GANZ as "accompanyist," (what -an ugly word!) and the Great Panjandrum himself, Mr. W. G. CUSINS -(Sir W. G. CUSINS as is to be,--which was our Jubilee Midsummer Knight's -Dream) as Conductor, what could the result be, but success? Every seat -taken; up gets the Conductor, "Full inside, all right!" and on we goes -again! And after this, off goes Madame PATTI to America to earn any -amount of dollars by singing her well-known _répertoire_, which, with -one or two exceptions, she may leave t'other side of the Atlantic, and -return to tell us of "The songs I left behind me," and to chant with -feeling "_I cannot sing the old Songs_." _Au plaisir!_ ADELINA, and all -good Engels guard thee! I beg to sign myself, re-signing myself to the -absence of the Diva, - -THE CRITIC ON THE HARP. - - * * * * * - -THE FISTIC CRACK, SMITH. - -AIR--"_The Village Blacksmith._" - - Before the applauding British P. - The fistic crack, SMITH, stands, - JEM SMITH a mighty man is he, - With smart and smiting hands; - And the muscles of his legs and arms - Stand out like steely bands. - His hair is fair, and closely cropped, - His pink face bears no tan; - His brow is low, his wits seem slow, - He "gates" whate'er he can! - But he gets more cheers than SALISBURY'S self, - Or e'en the Grand Old Man. - - Whene'er their Champion spars at night - Excited Britons go, - To see him swing his left and right - With slogging force though slow; - And the guests are scarce a pretty sight, - They're loud and rather low. - Green youngsters scarce released from school - Flock in at the open door. - They love to see him "kid" and feint, - And pay their bobs therefor; - And if his right he does let fly - Great CÆSAR, _how_ they roar! - - At length he into training goes, - Attended by "the bhoys," - Punches the ball, pickles his hands, - With other training joys, - Which in the penny sporting prints - Abroad his backers noise, - To read the which boys about town - Esteem it Paradise; - They buy the accounts and o'er them pore, - Though probably all lies, - And to each other whisper them - With wonder-rounded eyes. - - Bouncing, belauding, gammoning, - Onward the game still goes; - But whether in the fistic ring - The Champions will close, - Why, that is quite another thing, - Which nobody quite knows. - Thanks, thanks to thee, my fistic friend, - For the lesson thou hast taught. - If pugs can get a barney up, - Whereby the crowd is caught, - What matters it whether they'll fight - Or whether they _have_ fought? - - * * * * * - -TOYING WITH TRUTH.--The Annual _Truth_ Toy Exhibition, which shows the -toys provided for any number of Children in our hospitals, workhouses, -and infirmaries at Christmas time, will be held at Willis's Rooms, -December 19 and 20. No further intimation is necessary. When there a -Will is, there a Way is. - - * * * * * - -BACON v. SHAKSPEARE. - -I. - - Says Misther DONELLY, - Who writes so funnily, - "Sure, BACON'S side I _am_ on." - "The side of BACON," - Says _Punch_, "you've taken - Against our WILL, is--gammon." - -II. - -(_With some allowance made for taking a false quantity._--ED.) - - American-Irish DON_EL_LY, - You're cunning as MICKY O'VELLY, - As you've undertaken - To prove SHAKSPEARE BACON. - Howld your whisht! "_Porker verba_," - I tell 'ee. - - * * * * * - -SONG FOR MR. PRITCHARD-MORGAN, OF -MAWDDACH VALLEY, NEAR DOLGELLY.--"_Darling MINE!_" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: SEVERAL ROUNDS. - -[Prize-Fighting having once again come into fashion, the above -Pugilistic Encounters must be recorded as anticipations of -"Boxing-Day."]] - - * * * * * - -THE PROFESSOR AT THE DINNER-TABLE. - -Professor MAHAFFY'S book on _The Art of Conversation_, seems witty, and -(in parts) wise. People who want to learn to talk well in society had -better consult the genial Professor, who declares that the art can be -acquired. In fact he hands to each of his readers, across the visionary -"walnuts and the wine," the pinch of Attic Salt which seasons -dinner-parties. The theory must, of course, be taken _cum grano_. A few -hints (strangely omitted in MAHAFFY'S "Haffy Thoughts,") are here -appended:-- - -Should you happen to be in company with a number of eminent Statesmen -belonging to one Party (say, at a dinner, when they can't get away from -you,) mind and point out in a loud voice what you conceive to have been -the chief errors of policy which they committed in their last Ministry, -and what would have been _your_ line in their place. If they are -smarting under recent defeat, and have just been turned out of Office, -they will be sure to thank you heartily for your kind advice. - -Supposing politicians of every shade of opinion to be present, your best -course will be to at once introduce some "burning" subject of the -day--say, Home Rule, or the personal character of Mr. GLADSTONE or Lord -SALISBURY. Your host will be delighted, and you will be surprised to -find what a brisk conversation you have initiated. - -Always talk "shop." It gives local colour to your style. For instance, -if you are a lawyer, and you see another legal gentleman at table, -engage him in a conversation as to "that curious Equity point in the -case of _The Queen_ v. _the Executors of Muggins, deceased_, before the -V.-C." Make your comments as technical as possible. If you don't soon -"get the table in a roar," it will be astonishing. By the way, there are -two kinds of "roar." - -Avoid the least appearance of shyness. This is a pushing age. If you are -really bashful by nature, assume a haughty and forbidding demeanour to -cover it. This will make you universally liked. - -Spice your talk with jokes. Invent at least six good puns for use at any -dinner to which you may be invited, and bring them out,--naturally, if -you can, but at any rate _bring them out! E.g._ If you are in Dublin, -in a company consisting of fervid Nationalists, who bitterly resent the -imprisonment of their Chief Magistrate, remark jocosely that "you hope -his Lordship is not suffering much from _mal de Mayor_!" Conversely, -when present at a dinner of Loyalists, refer to the eminent -Liberal-Unionist Leader as "HALF-HARTINGTON." In either case your host -is sure to ask you to come again. - -_Monopolise_ the conversation. CARLYLE did this, and so did MACAULAY, so -why shouldn't you? You may be a MACAULAY without knowing the fact. - -Remember that people like _anecdotes_. This is how HAYWARD got his -reputation. Don't hesitate because somebody has said that "all the good -stories have been told." If so, tell them again without flinching. - -Practise allusive and apparently unconscious swagger in private. When -you are sure that you can refer to "my friend the Duke of St. DAVID'S," -at a dinner-party without the slightest change of inflexion in your -voice and in a perfectly natural manner, you are fitted to adorn any -society--even the lowest. - -Never humour women who try to talk learnedly. Bring the conversation -down to feeding-bottles and keep it there. They will in reality -appreciate your kindness and knowledge of female nature, even if they -appear at the moment to resent it deeply. - - * * * * * - -VOCES POPULI. - -SCENE--_An Italian Restaurant--anywhere in the Metropolis. Only a few of -the small dining-tables are occupied as Scene opens. Near the buffet is -a small lift communicating with the kitchen, and by the lift a -speaking-tube._ - -_Enter an_ Adorer _with his_ Adored; _he leads the way down the centre -of the room, flushed and jubilant--he has not been long engaged, and -this is the very first time he has dined with Her like this_. - -_Adorer (beaming)._ Where would you like to sit, PUSSY? - -_Pussy (a fine young woman--but past the kitten stage)._ Oh, it's all -the same to _me_! - -_Adorer (catching an aggrieved note in her tone)._ Why, you don't really -think I'd have kept you waiting if I could help it? There's always extra -work on Foreign Post nights! (PUSSY _turns away and arranges hat before -mirror_). Waiter! (_A Waiter who has been reading the "Globe" in the -corner, presents himself with_ Menu.) What shall we have to begin with, -eh, PUSSY? - -[_The_ Waiter, _conceiving himself appealed to, disclaims the -responsibility with a shrug, and privately reflects that these stiff -Englishmen can be strangely familiar at times._ - -_Pussy._ Oh, I don't feel as if I cared much about anything--_now._ - -_Adorer._ Well, I've ordered Vermicelli Soup, and _Sole au gratin_. Now, -you must try and think what you'd like to follow. (_Tentatively._) A -Cutlet? - -_Pussy (with infinite contempt for such want of originality)._ A -Cutlet--the _idea_! - -_Adorer (abashed)._ I thought perhaps--but look down the list. (PUSSY -_glances down it with eyes which she tries to render uninterested._) -"_Vol au vent à l' Herbaliste_,"--that looks as if it would be rather -good. Shall we try that? - -_Pussy._ You may if you like--I shan't touch it myself. - -_Adorer._ Well, look here, then, "_Rognons sautés -Venézienne_,"--Kidneys, you know--you _like_ kidneys. - -_Pussy (icily)._ Do I? I was not aware of it. - -_Adorer._ Come--it's for you to say. (_Reads from list._) -"_Châteaubriand Bordelaise_," "Jugged Hare and Jelly," "Salmi of -Partridge." (PUSSY, _who is still suffering from offended dignity, -repudiates all these suggestions with scorn and contumely._) Don't like -any of them? Well, (_helplessly_) can't you think of anything you -_would_ like? - -_Pussy._ Nothing--except--(_with decision_)--a Cutlet. - -_Adorer (relieved by this condescension)._ The very thing! (_Tenderly._) -We will _both_ have Cutlets. - -_Waiter (who has been waiting in dignified submission)._ Two Porzion -Cutlet, verri well--enni Pottidoes? - -_Pussy (sharply)._ Potted what? - -_Adorer (to Waiter)._ Yes. (_To_ PUSSY, _aside, in same breath._) -Potatoes, darling. (_The_ Waiter _suspects he is being trifled with._) -Do you prefer them _sautés_, fried, or in chips,--or what? - -_Pussy (with the lofty indifference of an ethereal nature)._ I'm sure I -don't care how they're done! - -_Adorer._ Then--Potato-chips, Waiter. - -_Pussy_ (_as_ Waiter _departs_). Not for me--I'll have mine _sautés_! - -_Adorer (when they are alone, leaning across table)._ I've been looking -forward to this all day! - -_Pussy (unsympathetically)._ Didn't you have any lunch then? - -_Adorer._ I don't mean to the dinner--but to having you to talk with, -quite alone by our two selves. - -_Pussy (who has her dignity to consider)._ Oh, I daresay. I wish you'd -do something for me, JOSHUA. - -_Adorer (fervently)._ Only tell me what it is, darling! - -_Pussy._ It's only to get me that _Graphic_--I'm sure that gentleman -over there has done with it. - -[_The_ Adorer _fetches it with a lengthening face_: PUSSY _retires -behind the "Graphic," leaving him outside in solitude. At length he -asserts himself by fetching "Punch," (which he happens to have seen) -from an adjoining table. A Bachelor dining lonely and unloved on the -opposite side of the room, watches them with growing sense of -consolation._ - -AT THE SPEAKING-TUBE. - -_Waiter._ Una voce poco fa maccaroni! _(At least, it sounds something -like this. A little cupboard arrives by the lift containing a dish which -the_ Waiter _hastens to receive. The new arrival is apparently of a -disappointing nature,--he returns it indignantly, and rushes back to -tube._) La ci darem la mano curri rabbito Gorgonzola! - -_A Voice (from bottom of lift--argumentatively)._ Batti, batti; la donna -é mobile risotto Milanaise. - -_Waiter (losing his temper)._ Altro! Sul campo della gloria vermicelli! - -_The Voice (ironically)._ Parla tele d'amor o cari fior mulligatawni? - -_Waiter (scathingly)._ Salve di mora casta e pura entrecote sauce -piquante crême à l'orange cotelettes pommes sautés basta-presto! - -[_Corks up tube with the air of a man who has had the best of it._ - -AT ANOTHER TABLE. - -_Two Brothers are seated here, who may be distinguished for the purposes -of dialogue as the_ Good Brother _and the_ Bad Brother _respectively. -The_ Good B. _appears (somewhat against his will) to be acting as host, -though he restricts his own refreshment to an orange, which he eats with -an air of severe reproof._ The Bad B. _who has a shifty sullen look and -a sodden appearance generally, is devouring cold meat with the intense -solemnity of a person conscious of being more than three parts drunk. -Both attempt to give their remarks an ordinary conversational tone._ - -_The Bad B. (suddenly, with his mouth full)._ Will you lend me five -shillings? - -_The Good B._ No, I won't. I see no reason why I should. - -_The B. B. (in a low passionate voice)._ Will you lend me five -shillings? - -_The G. B. (endeavouring to maintain a virtuous calm)._ I don't _think_ -I will. - -_B. B._ You've been giving money away all the afternoon to people after -_I_ asked you for some! - -_G. B. (roused)._ I was _not_. It's dashed impertinence of you to say -such a thing as that. I'm sick of this dashed nonsense--sick and tired -of it! If I hadn't some principle left still, I should have gone to the -East long ago! - -_B. B._ I'm glad you didn't. I want five shillings. - -_G. B._ Want five shillings! You keep on saying that, and never say what -you want it _for_. You must have some object. Do you want it to go and -get drunk on? - -_B. B. (with a beery persistence)._ Lend me five shillings. - -_G. B. (reflectively)._ I don't intend to. - -_B. B. (in a tone of compromise)._ Then lend me a sovereign. - -_G. B. (changing the subject with a chilling hospitality)._ Would you -like anything after that beef? - -_B. B. (doggedly)._ I should like five shillings. - -_G. B. (irrelevantly)._ Look here! I at _once_ admit you've got more -brain than I have. - -_B. B. (handsomely)._ Not at all--it's you that have got more brain than -me. - -_G. B. (rejecting this overture suspiciously)._ I've more principle at -any rate, and, to tell you the truth, I'm not going to put up with this -dashed impertinent treatment any longer! - -_B. B._ You're not, eh? Then lend me five shillings. - -_G. B. (desperately)._ Here, Waiter--bill. I pay for this gentleman. - -_Waiter (after adding up the items)._ One and four, if you please. - -[_The G. B. pays._ - -_B. B._ And dashed cheap too! - -[_A small Cook-boy in white comes up to_ Waiter _and whispers_. - -_Waiter._ Ze boy say zat gentilman (_pointing to_ B. B.) tell him to -give twopence for him to ze Cook. - -_G. B. (austerely)._ I have nothing to do with that--he must settle it -with him. - -_B. B. (with fierce indignation)._ It's a lie! I gave the boy the money. -It was a penny! - -_Waiter (impassively)._ Ze boy say you did not give nosing. - -_B. B. (to G. B.)._ Be d----d! Don't you pay it--it's a rascally -imposition! See, Garcong, I'll tell you in French. _J'ai donné l'homme, -le chef, doo soo (holding up two fingers) pour lui-même-à servir._ - -_G. B._ I'm sorry to have to say it--but I don't believe your story. - -[_To the B. B._ - -_B. B. (rising)._ I'm going to have it out with Cook. (_Lurches up to -door leading to kitchen and exit. Sounds of altercation below. Re-enter -B. B. pursued by Voice. B. B. turning at door._) What did you say? - -_Voice._ I say you are dronken Ingelis pig, _cochon, va_! - -_B. B. Well,--_it's just as well you didn't say any more. (_Goes -up to_ Waiter, _confidentially_). That man down there was mos' -insultin'--_mos'_ insultin'. But, there, I'll give _you_ the -penny--there it is. (_Presses that coin into_ Waiter's _hand and closes -his fingers over it._) Put it in your pocket, quick--say no more 'bout -it, Goo' ni'. Only--remember (_pausing on threshold à la Charles the -First_) if anyone wantsh row--(_with recollection of Duke's motto_)--I'm -here! That 'sh all. (_To G. B._) I shall say goo' ni' to _you_ outside. - -[_Exit B. B. unsteadily._ - -_The G. B._ (_solemnly to_ Waiter). I tell you what it is--I'm ashamed -of him. There, I _am_. I'm _ashamed_ of him! - -[_He stalks after his Brother; sounds of renewed argument without, as -Scene closes in._ - - * * * * * - -BACON AGAIN.--An erudite student informs us that "the crest of -SHAKSPEARE'S mother's family was a boar," so that there is something -Baconian about the Immortal Bard. - - * * * * * - -_À PROPOS_ OF THE WELSH GOLD FIND.--Advice Gratis:--Beware of Welshers. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: hand symbol] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or -Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any -description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a -Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there -will be no exception. - - -[Transcriber's Note: - -Italic text indicated by underscores (_) at the start and end. - -Alternative spellings retained.] - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume -93, December 17, 1887, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, DEC 17, 1887 *** - -***** This file should be named 40629-8.txt or 40629-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/6/2/40629/ - -Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Wayne Hammond, -Malcolm Farmer and the Online Distributed Proofreading -Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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