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diff --git a/40635-0.txt b/40635-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a511782 --- /dev/null +++ b/40635-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1271 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40635 *** + + * * * * * + + Punch, or the London Charivari + + Volume 105, December 23, 1893. + + _edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES. + +(_By Cunnin Toil._) + +No. VII.--THE STOLEN MARCH. + +I think I have already mentioned in the course of the articles which I +have consecrated to the life and exploits of PICKLOCK HOLES that this +extraordinary man was unmarried. There was some mystery about certain +love-making episodes in the early stages of his career which nothing +could induce him to talk about. If I ever chanced to mention the +subject of matrimony in his presence, a hard, metallic look came over +his features, and his lips closed with the tightness and vehemence of +a pair of handcuffs. Naturally, I was not encouraged by these symptoms +to pursue the matter. However, from what I have since been able to +glean from other sources, I think I am justified in saying that HOLES +was at one time, while quite a young man, engaged to the daughter of +an eminent church dignitary, a charming girl who united good looks +to a comfortable balance at her bankers. One morning, however, HOLES, +whose mind was constantly occupied in the solution of deep and complex +psychological problems, suddenly startled Miss BELLASYS by informing +her that from certain indications he had concluded that she had two +large moles on the upper portion of her left shoulder-blade. It was in +vain that the unfortunate girl protested with tears in her eyes that +she was ignorant of this disfigurement; that, as a matter of fact, +she had the best reason for believing that no such moles existed, +and that, if they did, it was not her fault, but must be due to a +momentary oversight on the part of her nurse, a woman of excellent +character and sound church principles. HOLES was, as usual, +inexorable. + +[Illustration] + +"My dearest ANNABELLA," he observed, "I am never mistaken. Within the +last ten minutes while I have been discussing with you my new theory +of clues I have noticed your left eye--the right I cannot see--slowly +close twice, while at the same moment your head drooped on to your +left shoulder. Thus you were twice blind on the left side. Moles, as +we learn, not merely from books on natural history, but from our own +observation, are blind. You have, therefore, two moles on your left +shoulder. The fact is indisputable." + +Terrified by this convincing demonstration, poor Miss BELLASYS +released the great detective from his engagement, and retired shortly +afterwards from the world to enrol herself in the ranks of a nursing +sisterhood. + +These, I believe, are the facts connected with my friend's +only engagement, and I merely state them here in order that the +deeply-interesting story of his life may be as complete as laborious +and accurate research on my part can make it. It is perhaps not to be +wondered at that the man should have been to some extent soured by the +tragic termination of a love affair which seemed full of the promise +of happiness for all concerned. + +But it must not be supposed that the life of PICKLOCK HOLES was +entirely destitute of the domestic joys. He would often tell me when +we met again after an interval during which he had disappeared from my +ken that he had been giving the old folks at home a turn, and that +he felt himself in a measure reinvigorated by the simple and trusting +affection lavished upon him by his family circle. I gathered that this +consisted of his father and mother, Sir AMINADAB and Lady HOLES, his +two younger brothers, curiously named HAYLOFT and SKAIRKROW HOLES, his +widowed sister, Mrs. GUMPSHON, with various children of all ages left +as pledges of affection by the late Colonel GUMPSHON of the Saltshire +Bays, as gallant an officer as ever cleft the head of an Afghan or +lopped an Egyptian in two. Often had I felt, though I had been far too +discreet to express it openly, an ardent desire to become acquainted +with a family which, if I might judge by my friend PICKLOCK, must +be one of the most remarkable in the world for brain power and keen +intelligence. My wish was to be gratified sooner than I looked for. + +One evening, as HOLES and I were sitting in my bachelor rooms in +Belgrave Square, there came a sudden knock at the door. We were +smoking, and I remember that HOLES had just been explaining to me that +it was customary to infer an assassin from the odour of Trichinopoly, +whilst a Cabana denoted a man of luxurious habits and unbridled +passions. From Bird's-eye tobacco a direct line of induction, he said, +brought one to a Cabinet Minister, whilst Cavendish in its uncut +stage led to a mixture of a smuggler, a Methodist minister, and a +club-proprietor in reduced circumstances. I was marvelling at the +singular acumen of the man when, as I say, there came a tap at the +door, which interrupted our discussions. The door then slowly opened, +and a small female child, of a preternaturally sharp expression, slid, +as it were, inductively into the room. It was the youthful ISABEL +GUMPSHON, one of HOLES'S nieces. "All right, ISABEL," said the great +detective, "we will come with you;" and in another moment a swift +four-wheeler was conveying us to Fitzjohn's Avenue, where Sir AMINADAB +and his lady had their dwelling-place. + +No sooner had we arrived than I felt that we were indeed in a home of +mystery, to which the Egyptian Hall of Messrs. MASKELYNE and COOKE was +a mere baby. There was in the air a heavy odour of detection, a sort +of clinging mist of inductive argument, a vaporous emanation of crimes +logically discovered and inferentially revealed, a pervading miasma +of obtuse police-inspectors relieved by complimentary magistrates and +eulogistic judges. The description may seem highly-coloured, but it +represents with literal accuracy the impression made upon my mind by +my entrance into the ancestral mansion of the HOLES family. Nor +was this impression removed as we ascended the stairs. On the first +landing we found Mrs. GUMPSHON engaged in teaching her youngest boy, +AUGUSTUS O'BRIEN GUMPSHON, a correct system of guess-work. The boy, a +bright little fellow of five, was at that moment in disgrace. He had +courageously attempted to guess his mother's age, and having in an +excess of rashness fixed the figure at forty-two, he had been severely +punished, and was at that moment languishing in a corner of the +landing. In the drawing-room we found the rest of the family. Sir +AMINADAB, it appeared, had murdered the footman some ten minutes +before our arrival, and had contrived by the aid of a pair +of blood-stained braces, which were one of his most cherished +possessions, to fix the guilt upon Lady HOLES, in whose basket-trunk, +moreover, the dismembered body of the unfortunate menial had been +discovered by the cook. The ingenuity of this diabolical plot had for +some nine minutes baffled the whole family. Lady HOLES was just about +to resign herself to the inevitable arrest, when HAYLOFT HOLES, with +an appearance of calm nonchalance, eminently suited to his impassive +features, had produced from his father's waistcoat pocket two of +the unfortunate footman's silver buttons, and had thus convicted Sir +AMINADAB of the crime. As we entered the drawing-room we were almost +overwhelmed with the shouts of joy that welcomed this wonderful +exhibition of the family talent. SKAIRKROW HOLES, who was of a more +reflective turn of mind, had, it seemed, been looking out of the +window at the passers-by, and had just proved triumphantly to his +youngest niece, JEMIMA, that a man whom she had taken for a vendor +of cat's meat was in reality a director of a building society who +had defrauded the miserable investors of fifty-two thousand pounds, +eighteen shillings, and ninepence halfpenny. It was into this happy +family party that HOLES and I, led by ISABEL GUMPSHON, intruded on the +memorable evening of which I speak. + + (_To be continued._) + + NOTE.--There are, it seems, rumours about to the effect that + my marvellous friend, PICKLOCK HOLES, is dead. Some even go + so far as to assert that he never existed. I leave these two + factions to fight the matter out. If he is dead he must have + existed; if he never existed he cannot have died. This shows + the folly of relying on rumour.--SAMUEL POTSON. + + * * * * * + +THE LORD CHANCELLOR'S SONG. + +(_The Up-to-date Version._) + + Oh! pity the lot of a harassed Lord Chancellor, + Suffering badly from too much to do. + Appointments to give, and appointments to cancel or + Magistrate making, not knowing who's who. + + Work of a quantity highly distressing, + Jack-like it's dull with all work and no play. + I start in the morning when hurriedly dressing. + And stick to it then for full twelve hours a day. + + Selecting with care and the utmost propriety, + I wade through long lists of the would-be J.P.'s, + Who wish to be benched for the sake of Society, + Till I sigh for repose and a quantum of ease. + + It's hard--ANANIAS would hardly deny it, + After all it's £10 000 a year at the most. + Resignation's a virtue. I'm minded to try it; + A chance for some aspirants--who's for the post? + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR EDITORS OF VERY-LATEST-NEWS-EVENING-JOURNALS (_hard up far a +paragraph_).--"When in doubt play JABEZ BALFOUR." + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. ON THE DYNAMITE OUTRAGE IN THE FRENCH CHAMBER.--"Hanging's too +good for such a scoundrel," said Mrs. R., indignantly; "but they don't +hang in France, so the wretch will be taken and gelatined." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE WERE-WOLF OF ANARCHY.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "BUSINESS FIRST." + +_Favourite Son of M.F.H. (to old Huntsman)._ "NO, SMITH, YOU WON'T SEE +MUCH MORE OF ME FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON; IF AT ALL." + +_Smith (with some concern)._ "INDEED, SIR. 'OW'S THAT?" + +_Son of M.F.H._ "WELL, YOU SEE I'M READING HARD." + +_Smith (interrogatively)._ "READIN' 'ARD, SIR?" + +_Son of M.F.H._ "YES, I'M READING LAW." + +_Smith._ "WELL, I LIKES TO READ A BIT O' THEM PERLICE REPORTS MYSELF, +SIR, NOW AN' THEN; BUT I DON'T ALLOW 'EM TO HINTERFERE WITH A HONEST +DAYS 'UNTIN'."] + + * * * * * + +THE WERE-WOLF. + + [Anglo-Saxon _wer_, a man, and wolf--a man in the form of a + wolf. + + "The garments are changed into hair, his arms into legs; he + becomes a wolf, and he still retains vestiges of his ancient + form. His hoariness is still the same, the same violence + appears in his features; his eyes are bright as before; he + is still the same image of ferocity."--_Ovid, on the + metamorphosis of King Lycaon into a wolf._] + + _WOLF! Wolf!_ The cry that wakes + The slumbering shepherds, shakes + The faint-hearts of the fold with shuddering fear. + The flock's ferocious foe + Compassion doth not know, + His breathing's heard, his furtive foot-fall's near. + It is no season for slack guard, + But watchful care and unrelaxing ward. + + This is the Man-Wolf, theme + Of ancient classic dream, + And mediæval myth, at last made fact. + Worse than the lupine pest + Upon whose hoary crest + Old monarchs laid a price! 'Gainst him a pact + Of all the peoples must be made; + Rapine's his life, red ruin his dread trade. + + The old grey wolf who prowled + Around the fold, and howled + Impotent rage to the black wintry skies, + Was no such foe as this, + Our Were-Wolf, whom the abyss + Of yawning chaos looses, whose red eyes, + Half human and half bestial, glare + Malignant menace from his secret lair. + + Such subter-human guise, + Such fiercely fiendlike eyes, + Arcadian Lycaon. Jove-changed, bore + When mortal hate took on, + At the Olympian frown, + Its fitting shape. The lessons of old lore, + Magic-divested, myth-stripped, still + Commend themselves to human wit and will. + + Humanity must urge + Against this lupine scourge + Civilisation's forces banded close. + The watch-dogs, as of old, + Must guard the human fold + Against this last and worst of order's foes; + And the world's sleuthhounds led by Law + Must hunt this Were-Wolf of the insatiate maw. + + Hunt him from every lair, + Till, outlaw everywhere, + This friend of carnage and sheer chaos finds + A foe at every turn. + A foot to crush or spurn, + The warning cry of "Wolf!" on all the winds, + And wheresoe'r the ravener stray + Civilisation's light must search--and slay! + + * * * * * + +"TRÈS BANG!"--To T-M SM-TH, of the Wholesale Crackery Warehouse, +with _Mr. Punch's_ compliments. Certainly, at Christmas-time. T. S.'s +crackers "get the pull!" At least, so says his Lordship the pop-ular +Bishop of GO-BANGOR. + + * * * * * + +Dr. R-bs-n R-se + +(_In the "Fortnightly" this month_). + + To be in perfect health live well and wisely: + This just sums up my article concisely. + + * * * * * + +QUITE ON THE CARDS.--In last Saturday's _Daily Graphic_ there was an +interesting picture on a pretty subject, to which was subscribed the +legend: "The New Governor of the Isle of Man being Sworn in at Castle +Rushen." Suppose by some printer's-devil's error the "at" had been +placed before the "in"! "O what a difference in the morning," when it +would have read: "being Sworn at in Castle Rushen." + + * * * * * + +DUCAL DOINGS. + + "Lord A. B. C. will return to town to-morrow."--[_Any + "Fashionable Intelligence" column._] + + I'm but a plebeian, I know, + But feelings as ardent as mine + May feel a legitimate glow + On reading this eloquent line; + Though Fate has denied me as yet + A fame or a fortune renowned, + By items like these I can feel when I please + An aristocrat down to the ground! + + The fact that I never have seen + The gentleman mentioned--as soon + I'd fly as distinguish between + Himself and the Man in the Moon-- + Has little to do with the case; + My knowledge, I frankly confess, + Of the doings of those who our "classes" compose + Is wholly derived from the Press. + + But eagerly over my tea + My eyes on this volume I cast, + I read of engagements to be, + Of dances and _fêtes_ of the past, + I learn with the deepest regret + That the Duke of X. Y. is unwell, + And with pleasure I glow that the Marquis of O. + Has dined with the Duchess of L.! + + In fact, as I muse in a dream, + The charm that this column extends + Makes all the nobility seem + My intimate personal friends; + Political leaders are bosh, + And Foreign Intelligence stuff, + Just print up to date the deeds of the great, + And I shall be happy enough! + + * * * * * + + MR. LECKY AND THE SCOTCH. + +--Dear _Mr. Punch_,--If Mr. LECKY is deserving of censure, surely some +public notice should be taken of the insult offered to the Scotch, +Welsh, Irish, and Manx nations by Lord NELSON in his celebrated +signal. That signal should surely have run:--"England, Scotland, +Wales, Ireland, the Channel Islands, and the Isle of Man, expect that +every man this day will do his duty." + + --Yours truly, AN INDIGNANT MANXMAN. + + * * * * * + + MOTTO FOR HAIRDRESSERS.-- + +"Cut and comb again!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS. + +OWING TO HIS NOTORIOUS ECCENTRICITY THEIR RELATIONS WITH THE LOCAL +MAMMOTH WERE SOMEWHAT STRAINED.] + + * * * * * + +BANK HOLIDAY BEAUTY. + +(_Protest by a Pretty Girl at the Crystal Palace._) + + That "Beauty's decaying among us!" + By certain old fogies we're told. + Many poets have ceaselessly sung us! + But then even poets _grow old_. + SMELFUNGUS has "been to the Palace," + And Beauty, he thinks "going out." + Now can it be folly or malice? + Is he blind, or bald-headed and stout? + I think 'tis most likely the latter. + He's fifty, no doubt, if a day. + Yes, that I suspect's "what's the matter"; + And then, who cares what _he_ may say? + When he went to the Palace of Crystal, + He puffed, I've no doubt, and swigged port, + And what wonder then if he missed all + The Vision of Beauty at sport? + At Kiss in the Ring we were playing, + He envied us, that's where it is, + Because if near us he came straying + He knew we'd refuse _him_ a kiss. + And so (as TOT puts it) he "telled a lie," + To cover his nasty mean spite. + No, pessimist purblind and elderly, + Our looks weren't in fault, 'twas your sight! + What with Tennis, and one thing and t'other, + We're prettier than ever all round; + _I_'m nearly as strong as my brother, + Tall, straight, nimble, healthy, and sound. + And as to my teeth!--you don't know them, + Or else you have told what's not true; + You'd retract, were I only to show them, + And I feel I _could_ show them--_at you_! + + * * * * * + +EVIDENT.--In drinking the health of the Italian Parliament, the +Toast of the evening ought to be,--as indeed every Toast when well +done ought to be,--"_Crispi_." + + * * * * * + +AN ODE OF ODOURS. + +(_A Poem of Recognition._) + + Oh, what is this faint perfume that I smell, + And smelling seem, somehow, to know so well? + What recollections should it start again, + What memories of the past bring in its train? + Is it a whiff of country come to-day, + Of mangel-wurzels, or of new-mown hay? + Or was it when She witched me with a glance + The subtle odour reached me--at the dance? + Where'er it was, I'm certain that I know it, + As certain as I am I'm not a poet, + But stay, was it when influenza gripped us? + It was! _Eureka!_ Yes, it's Eucalyptus! + + * * * * * + +On Certain Philistine Pedagogues. + + Greek and Philosophy but tire and twist 'em. + Duncedom they praise, and dub it "democratic," + And their abuse of the great Attic system + Is systematic! + + * * * * * + +MEM. FROM ACCRINGTON.--Liberal party in a fix here. Naturally anxious +to keep a LEESE-hold on the constituency, it looks a little awkward to +pose as the labourer's friend, and at the same time to keep (HERMON) +HODGE out of Parliament! + + * * * * * + +MEM. BY A HORSE-BUYER WHO HAS BEEN "HAD."--"Novice" does not always +mean no vice. + + * * * * * + +MUSIC AND LAW. + +During a recent trial, Mr. EDWARD SOLOMON, the plaintiff testified +that his work was worth to him about thirty-nine pounds per diem. +"Why," exclaimed Mr. Justice LAWRANCE, "if you write a good many +(what?) it is better than----" Whereupon interposed Mr. PAUL +TAYLOR, Counsel for the plaintiff, "Better than the Bar, my lord." +(_Laughter._) Why, of course, Mr. PAUL TAYLOR! Was there no one in +Court with knowledge of the simplest arithmetic sufficient to inform +you that to work at _several bars_ must be worth much more than +to work at _one Bar_? Hasn't Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN, by composing the +lightest possible operas in the world, achieved that best of all +"possible probable" tunes, a for-tune, that even a judge, whether of +music or at law, might envy? Why, certainly. And the GILLIVAN-SULBERT +Savoyards could, if they liked, tell Judge LAWRANCE that "thirty-nine +pounds per diem" is not an over-estimate of the share apportioned to +each of the three leading scions of the House of the Savoy, composer, +librettist, and manager, during the run of one of their real +successes, such, for example, as was _The Mikado_. 'Tis a pity +Composer SOLOMON did not call Composer SULLIVAN to testify to what +might be the pecuniary value of a successful composition. We wish the +deserving TAYLOR better luck with the next suit he takes in hand. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Good supply of all sorts of game at Christmas, and especially from the +preserves of Messrs. DE LA RUE. Try "Animal Snap" and see how you like +it. Thanks to DEAN AND SON--_i.e._, Senior DEAN and Junior DEAN--for +their _Golden Hours_, _The Prize_, _Peeps into Paradise_, and _The +Venetian Blind Moveable Picture Book_, the last being the best of +all. And DEAN'S Cracker Toy-books will certainly go _off_ well. _As we +Sweep through the Deep._ "Quite the light publishers for tales of the +sea are 'NELSON AND SONS,'" quoth the Baron, "and no doubt they +hope that every man will do his duty at Christmas time and go in for +Nelsonian boys and girls books." "_As we Sweep_" is by that true Horse +Marine (if there is anything in a name), yclept Dr. GORDON STABLES, +R.N. + +[Illustration] + +The Baroness recommends _The Rosebud Annual_. A lovely posy of +pictures and tales to be found on the shelf of JAMES CLARKE & CO., +Publishers, and, the Baroness supposes, Nursery Gardeners. "Natural +this," quoth a Baronite, "here is a _Miss Parson's Adventures_ told by +a Clark RUSSELL!" If you want it send to CHAPMAN AND HALL. And all +the Baronites say many thanks to MACMILLAN & CO. for a delightful new +edition of Miss MARY MITFORD RUSSELL'S _Our Village_. + +Our compliments to Mrs. LOVETT CAMERON on _A Tragic Blunder_. A blow +given by mistake to the wrong person nearly ruins the entire happiness +of several people, but it all comes right at the end of two vols. from +Mrs. CAMERON'S pen. It is a nice light entertainment with which to +while away an hour or two. + +"I like _Richard Escott_," says the Baron, laying down the +Macmillanitish one-volume novel of that name written by E. H. COOPER. +"It is an interesting story, and might be the first of a series +similar to the _Rougon Macquart_ family, as, when this tale finishes, +there are sufficient _Escotts_ alive to carry on the story of their +family through many generations, only, unfortunately, the date of this +story cannot be taken further back than, say, about ten years ago, +if that. To give the family breathing-time, we should require some +stories about the ESCOTTS under Queen ANNE and the GEORGES, and then +we could return to the fortunes of the sons and daughters the _Richard +Escott_. + +"With fear and trembling, yet with a sensation of enjoying some secret +wicked pleasure," quoth the Baron, confidentially, "I retired with Mr. +ASHBY STERRY'S _Naughty Girl_ into my _sanctum_, which, as its name +implies, is just the very place to which I ought to retire with a +young lady bearing such a character." _A Naughty Girl_ is published in +the "Modern Library Series" brought out by Messrs. BLISS, SANDS, AND +FOSTER; and how happy would SANDS be--run out, of course--and where +would FOSTER be unless foster'd by the other two--without BLISS, who +makes quite a little 'eaven below of this Publishing Firm. Blissful +must have been Mr. ASHBY STERRY'S state when he wrote so excellent +a Dickensian description, as he has done in the earlier part of this +book, of Boxing Night at Drury Lane, and when he gave a finishing +touch to this story in showing how _Beryl_ and _Jack_ were brought +together in spite of a temporary misunderstanding and estrangement. +"Bravo Pantalaureate of many a frilling poem! A Happy Christmas to you +and your readers!" quoth the warm-hearted and appreciative + + BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: An "Up to Date" Young Man.] + + * * * * * + +"'TWAS IN TRAFALGAR"'S THEATRE. + +As in the case of the old farcical play _The Three Hunchbacks_, on +which an _opéra bouffe_ was founded, and of all plays ancient and +modern depending for their success on the exact physical resemblance +existing between three distinct persons, directly the audience +has grasped the fact, they enter heartily into the humour of the +complications. Now, in _Tom, Dick and Harry_, the audience, having +once mastered and allowed the given thesis, viz., that Mr. CHARLES +HAWTREY, Mr. ERNEST PERCY, and Mr. ARTHUR PLAYFAIR are so exactly +alike that even their own wives and sweethearts are unable to +distinguish one _Antipholus_ from another _Antipholus_, and both or +either from a third _Antipholus_, then the fun of the confusion gains +upon them, and Mrs. R. PACHECO'S three-act farce at the Trafalgar +Square Theatre gives the spectators fits, which assume the proportion +of convulsions of laughter absolutely dangerous to the safety of +various individuals. For this deponent can testify to the effect of +the fun of the farce on a small boy in a box, who literally jumped +with joy--quite a little Jack-in-the-Box--and in his excitement would +have precipitated himself into the stalls, but for the united energies +of the family party, which retained him amongst them by sheer force. +He had been less wildly enthusiastic about _Pickwick_, owing, perhaps, +to the restraining appearance of _Tommy Bardell_, whose presence on +the stage the Boy in the Box might, perhaps, have been inclined to +view with disfavour, though giving a rapturous welcome to Miss JESSIE +BOND'S charming impersonation of _Mrs. Bardell_, to Mr. LITTLE'S +life-like _Pickwick_, and to Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY'S sentimental but +sulky _Baker_. However he made up for any show of envy towards _Tommy_ +by cordially applauding Mr. EDWARD SOLOMON's catching melodies, which +are not less humourously than skilfully orchestrated; and his (I am +still speaking of the Boy in the Box) genuine applause throughout the +evening quite led that of the house, and was a real treat to witness, +culminating as it did in a volcanic eruption of irrepressible joy at +the conclusion of the second act of _Tom, Dick and Harry_. Miss VANE +FEATHERSTON, the Misses ESMOND and WILLIAMS, the ever-clever Miss +SOPHIE LARKIN, in a difficult part, Mr. W. F. HAWTREY as _Dr. Wagner_, +the Specialist--specially good--and Mr. JOHN BEAUCHAMP, who quite +revives the otherwise worn-out peppery stage-Indian General of old +Haymarket and Adelphi farces,--all do their very best, and, with Mr. +C. HAWTREY,--make the piece what it is, a thorough-going success. At +least such is the opinion of + + THE OTHER BOY. + + * * * * * + +THE WESTMINSTER PLAY. + +SCENE--_The Dormitory of St. Peter's College._ + + For three or four centuries Westminster's taught us + To struggle with TERENCE and wrestle with PLAUTUS; + This time the _Trinummus_ once more reappears, + With a "run" on the boards of two thousand odd years. + + Alma _Mater_ of Comedy truly's the "Dorter," + Where long may each _rôle_ find a youthful supporter! + If ever from "college" they're driven away, + The Queen's Scholars' fate were "All work and no Play!" + + * * * * * + +SEASONABLE DUETT FOR THE ZIERENBERGS (_adapted for their use by Henry +Labouchere, Esq., M.P._). "Home, Home, Home, Sweet Home!" + + * * * * * + +TOAST FOR THE INHOSPITABLE.--"Friends--_at a distance!_" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SPEED THE PARTING GUEST." + +"SO YOU AND GEORGE HAVE BEEN STAYING WITH MY DEAR OLD FRIENDS SIR +ISAAC AND LADY LINCRUSTA WALTON! DIDN'T YOU FIND THEM VERY NICE TO +YOU?" + +"YES; ESPECIALLY WHEN WE WERE LEAVING!"] + + * * * * * + +A MESSAGE FROM THE SEA. + +_Father Neptune loquitur_:-- + + John Bull, my friend, if an ear you'll lend + to your true old messmate Neptune, + It may do you good. We are mates in + mood, and our hearts have always kept tune. + The Isle that's right, and extremely tight-- + which I trust that mayn't mean "groggy"-- + Is our care, old chum! Well, the outlook's + rum, and the prospect rather foggy! + Oh! keep on your hair! There's no cause + for Scare, though some party men, and papers, + Do their best to raise a new Naval Craze. + These be old, old party capers; + For your angry Outs _always_ swell with + doubts, whilst the Cocksure Ins, complacent, + Swear that cause for care may be found-- + Nowhere, or the parts thereto adjacent. + You are not so green that mere party spleen, + and the bogus bosh of boobies, + Can play the fool with your judgment cool; + 'tis a richer dower than rubies. + Still a Fleet, old boy, is no party toy, no + theme for factious scoffing, + And--well, JOHN, I spot a tremendous lot of + "furrin'" ships in the offing! + Keep a weather eye upon sea and sky, and I + think JOHN, altogether, + You will deem it right to get all things tight, + and prepare for dirty weather. + "Britons never, never," sounds bold and + clever; Britannia won't act as "slavey," + But if "Missus" would keep her "home on + the deep," you _must_ keep up a spanking Navy! + Statistics fog, and there's no such bog as + the brain of an average Briton + When his Naval Nobs, and Finance Dry Bobs + have got their fighting fit on. + They talk great bosh, half their "facts" + won't wash, and as to their figures endless,-- + If from stern to stem you could see through + _them_ you would _have_ more, JOHN, and _spend_ less! + A word in your lug! There is no Hum-bug + like that of a Naval Oracle, + When he's "out in the wet"; on that you + may bet--ah! an ironclad to a coracle! + He _may_ mean well, but The Truth to tell in + a fashion straight and steady, + Without "cavort" or a "list to port," is as + hard--as song to a Neddy! + JOHNNY, old boy, you must just employ + _your own wits_ on this business; + Party debate will addle your pate, _ex-parte_ + "facts" bring dizziness. + Look for yourself, and you'll save much + pelf, and good value get for your money, + Squelch party fudge, be your own best judge, + and you'll floor the croakers, JOHNNY! + + Still, JOHNNY mine, on my breadths of brine, + you must keep first place, or perish. + 'Tis with that thought you have paid and + fought, and that thought you still must cherish. + Better plank down your last half-crown, than + lose the Crown _I_ gave you, + Let gold _and_ blood flow in full flood, than let + the foe enslave you! + + A rhyme, a rhyme for the Christmas time! + It may not, JOHN, sound jolly, + But to pipe and dance _whilst your foes + advance_, were the maddest sort of folly. + With pockets full Peace's pipe to pull, or + to sip your grog and slumber, + Is nice; but you'll wake to a huge mistake + _if your foes your Fleet outnumber_! + Get your Fleet, old man, _cheap_ if you can, + but at all costs _get your Fleet_, JOHN! + Ships, guns and crew more than any two of + the foes you are like to meet JOHN! + Take your old friend's tip, let _no_ chance + slip, and be foiled by _no_ pretence, JOHN; + Keep eye on the foe, build all you know, and + big big D the expense, JOHN! + + * * * * * + +OUR BARTERERS. + +BICYCLE.--Thoroughly heavy, lumbering, out-of-date machine, recently +doctored up to look like new, for sale. Cost, second-hand, six years +ago. £4. Will take £12 for it. Bargain. Would suit a dyspeptic giant, +or a professional Strong Man in want of violent exercise. + +SAFETY CYCLE.--Pneumatic tyres. A real beauty. Makers well known in +Bankruptcy Court. Owner giving up riding in consequence of the frame +being thoroughly unsafe, and the tyres constantly bursting. Would +exchange for one of BROADWOOD'S grand pianos or a freehold house in +the country. + +TURKEY CARPET.--Never used, as seller is not an absolute fool. +Wretched condition guaranteed. As it has been kept for a year or +two in a mouldy attic at a second-hand furniture shop, it is simply +teeming with moths, but it is confidently anticipated that it will +not fall to pieces in time for a purchaser to detect the fraud. Price, +only double that of a first-rate new carpet of same kind. + +RARE OPPORTUNITY.--A ten-pound note will buy my genuine Spiderette +Arabesque Dunmow Beestof a Patent Safety Tricycle. Weighs only sixteen +ounces. Seventy-four championships won on it, including that of Sierra +Leone. Runs away up-hill. Impossible to stop it down-hill. Folds into +a small biscuit tin. Every part equally fragile. A collar-bone and six +ribs broken off it in one week's practise. Made at Coventry, and ought +to be sent there. First applicant has it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "A MESSAGE FROM THE SEA." + +FATHER NEPTUNE. "LOOK HERE, JOHN, THERE'S A JOLLY SIGHT O' THEM +FURRIN' CRAFT ABOUT, TAKE A TIP FROM YOUR OLD FRIEND--BUILD ALL YOU +KNOW--AND _DASH_ THE EXPENSE!"] + + * * * * * + +TO BOBBY. + +(_To the tune of "To Tommy."_) + + BLUE BOBBY, brave and strong, + They begin to right your wrong. + Silent shoes, and now revolvers! That will do! + Now I hope you'll make things plain + To the brutal burglar train; + And, Bobby, _Punch's_ best respects to you! + + May "tips" swell your smallish pay + On the coming Boxing Day; + (For I know they're rather screwy with your "screw.") + Shod and armed upon your round, + Heaven keep you safe and sound, + And, Bobby, JOHN BULL'S best respects to you! + + * * * * * + +THE LILLY'S LESSON.--Mr. LILLY, in the _New Review_, reminds DIVES +that "there is no excuse for riches which are divorced from public +obligation." This cuts deeply! Possibly DIVES would retort upon the +author of "Shibboleths" that riches _require_ no "excuse." At any +rate we do not often find men making excuses for being rich, though +apologies for poverty are common enough. All the same, _Mr. Punch_ +would strongly recommend DIVES--especially at this festive season--to +"consider the (W. S.) LILLY"! + + * * * * * + +"A LONG BREAK."--_À propos_ of our picture in last week's issue, we +have received the following suggestion:--"Sir, if MR. GLADSTONE, the +great billiard player, wishes to continue his 'long break,' wouldn't +it be advisable for him '_to take a rest_.'--Yours truly, BREAKERS A. +HEAD." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE COURTS OF JUSTICE. + +_First Litigant._ "I'M BANKRUPTCY. WHAT ARE YOU?" + +_Second L._ "I'M DIVORCE." + +_First L._ "THEN YOU STAND LUNCH!"] + + * * * * * + +SEASONABLE REFLECTION. + +(_By an Old Fogey._) + + We are hearing a lot of "the Buffer State"; + Faith! it comes to us all--after Forty-eight! + When from gout, and the pretty girls' scorn, we suffer, + We have all arrived at the state of the "Buffer." + + * * * * * + +"FOR THIS RELIEF--MUCH THANKS." _Shakspeare._--A correspondent in the +_Pall Mall Gazette_ recently complained of the disappearance of "Thank +you," and the substitution of "Thanks" and "Thanks awfully." Why not? +It is but a revival of the ancient Latin form "_gratias_," and surely +plural "Thanks" indicates indefinitely more thankfulness than an +uneffusive, frigid, singular "Thank you," signifying "I thank you." +Let us be Shakspearianly classical, as in the quotation above given, +and say "Much thanks." So again, "I am poor in thanks--but I thank +you." Here the relative value of the plural and the singular in thanks +is well brought out. + + * * * * * + +BALL _VERSUS_ BALL. + + LYTTELTON and LANG--with all + Whom pure prejudice can't fetter,-- + Say--concerning games at ball-- + Golf is good but Cricket better. + Wisdom owns an ounce of practice + Worth a ton of theory. Fact is, + Those who set that saw a-run, + Had not seen a LYTTEL-TON! + Who performs as well as teaches, + And can practice what he preaches. + + * * * * * + +"AFTER THE BALL" IN PARIS. + +MY DEAR MONS. PUNCH,--I am delighted! I am overjoyed! Why, your Oxford +College has accepted the challenge of our Racing Club to play a game +of _kic bal_ this month of December! It is good! It is very good +indeed! It makes cold, so I can not go for to see the sport. + +But permit me, I would propose these rules in the cause of humanity, +for the sake of civilisation. I give them below. They are not many:-- + +_Proposed Rules for "le jeu de kic bal" between Oxford College and +Racing Club._ + +1. No kickers to approach closer to one another than six yards +distance. + +2. The scrimmage to be interdicted. Sergent de ville to be on guard on +the ground to prevent assaults even of the most trifling character. + +3. Boots not to be worn, but dancing-pumps. + +4. The players to wear fur-lined coats, and to take arm-chairs on the +ground for their comfort. + +5. The "kic bal" to be made of inflated india-rubber, with a hole in +the centre, so that it shall collapse without causing injury. + +6. No game of "kic bal" to last more than five minutes, and after +every game a pause of one hour to be permitted, so that the players +may have necessary rest and proper refreshment. + +And yet one more suggestion. But this shall not be a rule but only +an offering. I make you a present of the idea--so charming--as a +compliment of the season. Let the goals be made of Christmas-trees, +let the "kickers" be covered with holly and mistletoe (like +your "Jack-in-the-Green"), and instead of a brutal, rough, hard, +uncomfortable globe of leather, let the "kic bal" be a veritable plum +pudding! + +Your hand! I wish you "Joking Christmas Amiable New Year." Your +friend--and brother, "gentlemans ridere," + +_Paris in December_. + + (_Signed_) JULES. + + * * * * * + +NEWS FROM MONTE CARLO.--Mr. J-HN M-RL-Y is, we are glad to hear, much +better. _Rouge gagne._ + + * * * * * + +A WINDY CORNER AT BRIGHTON. + +(_By an Impressionist._) + + Old lady first, with hair like winter snows, + Makes moan. + And struggles. Then, with cheeks too richly rose, + A crone, + Gold hair, new teeth, white powder on her nose; + All bone + And skin; an "Ancient Mystery," like those + Of HONE. + Then comes a girl; sweet face that freshly glows! + Well grown. + The neat cloth gown her supple figure shows, + Now thrown + In lines of beauty. Last, in graceless pose, + Half prone, + A luckless lout, caught by the blast, one knows + His tone + Means oaths; his hat, straight as fly crows, + Has flown. + I laugh at him, and---- Hi! By Jove, there goes + My own! + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR LADY CHAMPAGNE DRINKERS.--"Sweetness and light!" + + * * * * * + +THE BLUE BELLES OF SCOTLAND. + +(_Latest prose version from the Modern Athens._) + + SCENE--_A Dressing-room._ + TIME--_The Present._ + CHARACTERS--_A_ Mistress _and her Maid_. + +_Mistress._ Now then, MARY, you really must make haste or I shall not +be in time. Have you got my latest bonnet from Paris? + +_Maid._ Yes, Madam. I told JOHN to put the foot-warmer and the +carriage rug in the brougham. + +_Mistress._ Quite right; and now have you got my fan? + +_Maid._ Yes, Madam, and I suppose you will want your opera-glasses? + +_Mistress._ Naturally; how could I see anything distinctly without +them? There is sure to be such a crowd. And, by the way, have you got +me a packet of literature? + +_Maid._ Yes, Madam. Three novels, and all the illustrated papers. + +_Mistress._ If there are many delays I shall be able to pass the time +pleasantly. And the luncheon basket? + +_Maid._ Yes, M'm. Cold fowl, flask of sherry, some celery, a pound +cake, knives, forks, glasses, plates, salt, mustard, bread, and a +bottle of soda-water. Is there anything else? + +_Mistress._ Well, perhaps I might carry in my muff my pocket camera. +'Tis just possible I may be able to get a snap-shot at the principal +character. + + (_Enters the carriage._) + +You haven't given me my special ticket. + +_Maid._ Here it is, Madam. Shall I tell JOHN to drive to the +Concert-room? + +_Mistress._ No, no. Tell him to take me to the Court. I am going to +assist at a trial for murder! + + * * * * * + +SEASONABLE SAYINGS. + +There is many a slip between the house and the church on a frosty +morning. + +You cannot make a respectable tradesman out of a grocer who offers +tips to a working-housekeeper. + +You may take a dustman's token to a stingy man's portal, but you can't +get him to give you a Christmas-box. + +A dun in need is a county court indeed. + +It is a long dinner that has no earning. + +People who live in glass houses should not throw away their coke and +coals. + +Deal with the Stores and the private accounts will look after +themselves. + +A penny saved by avoiding an omnibus is a florin lost by taking a +Hansom cab. + +A single swallow never represents a family Christmas dinner. + +Enough is often dearer than a feast, especially if you take the last +at the house of a friend. + +Send an acquaintance an old card about Christmas on Boxing Day, and he +will return you a second-hand greeting on the 2nd of January anent the +New Year. + +Give credit at Christmas and you will find you still have money owing +to you at Easter. + +Christmas comes but once a year, and bores for the length of a +century. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A QUESTION OF THE SENSES. + +_First County Councillor._ "I'M TOLD THE _ACOUSTICS_ OF THIS HALL +LEAVE MUCH TO BE DESIRED, MR. BROWN!" + +_Second C. C._ (_delicately sniffing_). "INDEED, SIR POMPEY? CAN'T +SAY AS I PERCEIVE ANYTHINK AMISS, MYSELF; AND MY NOSE IS PRETTY SHARP, +TOO!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, December 11._--Remarkable testimony to +catholicity of DICKY TEMPLE'S mind that he should just now have been +talking about Siam. Various other topics to the fore. The Featherstone +inquiry; Matabeleland, in which the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE takes +unfaltering interest; Betterment, and, incidentally, the Parish +Councils Bill. Only TEMPLE thinks of remote, unfriended, solitary +Siam. Wants to know when papers including most recent correspondence +will be published? EDWARD GREY taken at a disadvantage. Wasn't +thinking of Siam. Just been looking up map to find out precise +situation of Kilia mouth of the Danube. CAP'EN TOMMY BOWLES been, so +to speak, jumping down it. Suspects the CZAR of iniquitous intention +in this part of the world. CZAR evidently thought the CAP'EN, being +intent on the education of MUNDELLA in nautical affairs, would not +have time to keep an eye on the Kilia mouth of the Danube. CZAR knows +better now. So does EDWARD GREY. Spent quite an interesting quarter +of an hour with the map, and came at last upon this particular outlet. +Just congratulating himself that, as a rule, British rivers have only +one mouth, when TEMPLE sprang Siam upon him. + +"Do you know," said Member for Sark, looking admiringly at the great +historiographer of Parliament, "I never see TEMPLE on his legs but +I think of OVID'S epitaph on the parrot. You remember how it runs in +English?-- + + 'I please the fair. So much this stone doth tell. + What more? I talked, and, for a bird, talked well.' + +"I have a theory, which, if you had time, I would illustrate by +half-a-dozen examples taken on glancing round the House, that three +out of five human faces have a strong resemblance to some particular +bird. Not that I mean to say TEMPLE'S like a parrot, except of course +inasmuch as he pleases the fair. He is a man of tireless industry, +sound judgment, wide knowledge of affairs and has, withal, an +old-fashioned courtesy of manner not too common in these days. Still, +as I say, when I watch him addressing the SPEAKER the parrot's epitaph +haunts my memory." + +_Business done._--Clause XIII added to Parish Councils Bill. + +_Tuesday._--To-night DON'T KEIR HARDIE, having left hands and face +unwashed for an extra day, his hair uncombed for an added week, put +on his worst Sunday suit and presented himself to House as model +working-man, champion of the unemployed. DON'T KEIR'S misfortune is +that he has not succeeded in recommending himself to good opinion +of other Labour Members. When he moves in House they move off; +consequence is he is left to support of aristocrats above the gangway. +They don't particularly admire DON'T KEIR, his ways or his cause. But, +as TOMLINSON says, under impression he is quoting from SYDNEY +SMITH, "any stick will do to beat a dog with." If DON'T KEIR moves +Adjournment, and best part of night can be taken for making speeches, +so much delay is interposed in way of Parish Councils Bill, and by so +much is chance bettered of Government failing in their intention of +passing the whole Bill. Therefore, though other Labour candidates will +have nothing to do with DON'T KEIR, there are four hours talk, an odd +quarter of an hour added for a division, and thirty-three Members, +chiefly belonging to the Gentlemen of England, going into Lobby with +the Leader whom ROWLANDS distantly alludes to as "The hon. Member for +West 'Am," cunningly conveying by inflection of voice the impression +that the cut is from a hopelessly inferior part. + +Debate, on the whole, patchy, with hopeless air of unreality about +it. Nevertheless, worth having, if it were only for speech of PRINCE +ARTHUR. A scholarly philosophic deliverance, striking unaccustomed +note in Parliamentary debate. Pity Mr. G. wasn't there to hear it. +Or perhaps it isn't a pity. If he had been, he would have found the +temptation to reply irresistible; at least another half hour would +have been wasted. + +_Business done._--Reached Clause XVI. Parish Councils Bill. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS.--No. 6. A FOOTBALL MATCH.] + + * * * * * + +_Thursday._--Spirits of good Ministerialists a little damped by +persistent and successful tactics of Opposition. As JESSE COLLINGS +said just now, with tears in his eyes, they are anxious, above all +things, to see Parish Councils Bill added to Statute Book. Only they +won't let it pass. Twentieth night in Committee; still not half way +through Bill as Clauses count. Been sitting on Saturdays; shall have +Christmas holidays cut down to 25th and Boxing Day; then begin +again, with prospect of more drudgery, and, when Bill through, and +prorogation possible, the new Session of 1894, young, fresh, and +lusty, waiting to be waltzed with. An infant in arms, looking in on +House from peep-hole by glass door, and finding TAY PAY on his legs +denouncing the Opposition, is deeply impressed. + +[Illustration: Tay Pay frightens the Child.] + +Later, at period of apparent collapse HALDANE happily appears on +scene. Not a man habitually prone to enthusiasm. No sign on his placid +visage of storm-swept soul. Circumstances sometimes stronger than man. +To-day they break away the icy barriers of lethargic habit. HALDANE, +unexpectedly rising from behind the harassed PREMIER, calls upon +him to stand firm, resisting all temptations to surrender. "Stage of +situation reached," he said, amid ringing cheers, "when we should +not halt, much less retire, but should press forward to the goal. +Ministers," he added, sternly regarding back of SQUIRE OF MALWOOD'S +head, "would be betraying their trust if they flinched by one hair's +breadth from the declarations they have made." + +His clarion voice cleared air of doubt and perplexity. Ministerialists +elate; Opposition correspondingly cowed; the way quite clear now for +victory; only sit tight; to importunity present imperturbability; let +Opposition once know that, thanks to fidelity and self-sacrifice of +Liberal Members, House will sit till Bill is passed, and obstruction +will collapse. + +HALDANE had saved the citadel; the rout of the besiegers only a matter +of time. + +An hour later WALTER LONG got up and mentioned interesting +circumstance that HALDANE, whilst thus heroically inciting Ministers +and the rest to hold on, had made arrangements whereby he himself +would agreeably spend Christmastide in comfortable country quarters; +had even extended his holiday up to 10th of January, when resumption +of sittings of court would bring him back to town for private +business. Many inquiries on Ministerial benches for HALDANE. Seemed +to be general desire to say something to him. But he had judiciously +retired from scene. + +_Business done._--Another motion for Adjournment. In smaller half +of sitting left for business, Clause XVIII. of Parish Councils Bill +reached. + +_Friday._--Everyone grieved to hear that SPEAKER has temporarily lost +use of voice. Been absent from Chair since Tuesday. "How inscrutable +are the ways of Providence," says the Member for Sark. "There are +so many quarters of the House where the outbreak of such an epidemic +would be a public service. Yet these escape, and only the Chair is +attacked." + +[Illustration: Sir Richard Parrot.] + +The House can ill spare the SPEAKER, even for a day. The whole +atmosphere of the place, the tone of debate, are altered when his +stately presence and commanding influence are withdrawn. Still, talk +must go on, and there has been no lack of it to-night. But everyone +is wearied to death of the monotony and reiteration. As PRINCE ARTHUR +says in a moment of confidence, "If it were the only alternative, one +would rather have a parish funeral than another Parish Councils Bill." + +_Business done._--Nothing worth speaking of. + + * * * * * + +THE COUNTY COUNCIL'S PROGRESSIVE PROGRAMME. + +Rise at seven. Called by public bell rung at the nearest fire-brigade +station. Light gas supplied from the Council's works at Beckton. Drink +glass of cold water from Council's new reservoir in the Kennet Valley. +Hurriedly slip into clothes made by gentlemen working an eight hours +day at not less than sixpence an hour. + +Fish for breakfast bought at Council's Billingsgate Market; eggs from +Council's hens (warranted _very fresh_); also fruit from Covent Garden +sold by Council's salesmen. We keep no servants, being now obliged to +use their wages to pay rates. Compelled to open the front door myself. +Surveyor of Chimneys, acting on instructions (received from sweep), +calls to examine flues. Reports them foul, and notes me in his summons +book. Council's revenue inspector (Inland Revenue absorbed) peeping +through half-opened breakfast-room door, spies what my children call +"a duck on stilts" engraved on a fork. Reports me at once for not +having a license to use armorial bearings. Find in letter-box notice +of compulsory purchase by Council for "allotment purposes" of a choice +piece of land belonging to me just on border of county. Am privately +informed that Radical Labourers' League have moved half-a-dozen +good-for-nothing drunken chaps to apply for allotments! Mine is the +only land that will suit them, and they intend to take it whether I +like it or no. + +Just starting for the City, when Council's Architect calls, to draw my +attention to a sky-sign insufficiently secured to an upper window. It +turned out to be eldest boy's socks, hung there to dry, as we have +now to wash at home, or send to the Council's laundries which are +relief-works for those usually unemployed in winter. Other casuals +have turned barbers. I am shaved by one every morning, after slipping +the coppers into a County Council "detector," which gives no change. +In street, find the pavement up, "unemployed" engaged in moving +"immovable objects by irresistible force," _i.e._, a frozen road, at +three shillings per cube foot; Council their own contractors. Tram +at last, with Council-driver, conductor, and horses (all tramways +absorbed), and then a penny Council steamer (Thames Conservancy and +Steamboat Companies absorbed), and, having landed at St. Paul's Pier, +trip over a hole in the road. Bring action against Council for damaged +ankle. (N.B. Lost it later on. Council not liable for non-reparation +of holes.) + +At the Guildhall, find Labour Arbitration Court sitting. City and +County been amalgamated, huge coalheavers, dockers, and others occupy +seats of city fathers. Police outside useless. Their helmets and +truncheons in British Museum as relics of Barbarous Age. + +Having business at a suburban town I hire cab (Council Number 23,351) +and drive to Liverpool Street. The progressive members have bought up +Great Eastern Railway within the county's boundaries, and are working +it on their own system--one class for all, penny fare, and no return +ticket. The guards, ticket-collectors, porters, and others civil +enough, but no trains running, in consequence of great strike having +occurred amongst Council's engine-drivers and the difficulty is just +being settled by arbitration at Guildhall. The men had struck for +_want_ of work and a general desire for "betterment." Thoughtfully +walked back to the office, and arrived just in time to find an +official poring over my ledger. He hands me his card, "Mr. INQUISITOR, +Spring Gardens." Somerset House being absorbed, he says he "has just +called to ascertain exactly what my income really is," and though I am +perfectly civil (under pains and penalties of "civility bye-laws"), he +tells me I must be "put up" next year. He departs, leaving front door +open. + +Got a cup of tea, very poor staff, at the L. C. C. Restaurant. Walk +home. No gas in streets, and the Electric Light (lately absorbed) gone +out. Reached home very weary. Find on table demand-notes for Poor, +Police, Sewers, School Board, Highways, Gas, Electric Light, Baths, +Sanitary, Insanitary, Asylum, Water, Railway, Cab, Theatre, Market, +Sky Sign, Bar and Gates, Tramway, Prisons, Restaurants, Arbitration, +Establishment, Thames Conservancy, Submerged Tenth, and many other +rates. Is life worth living? Ask the L. C. C. + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +105 December 23rd, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40635 *** |