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diff --git a/40635-8.txt b/40635-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 0618636..0000000 --- a/40635-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,1658 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 -December 23rd, 1893, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 December 23rd, 1893 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Francis Burnand - -Release Date: September 1, 2012 [EBook #40635] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - * * * * * - - Punch, or the London Charivari - - Volume 105, December 23, 1893. - - _edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ - - * * * * * - - - - -THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES. - -(_By Cunnin Toil._) - -No. VII.--THE STOLEN MARCH. - -I think I have already mentioned in the course of the articles which I -have consecrated to the life and exploits of PICKLOCK HOLES that this -extraordinary man was unmarried. There was some mystery about certain -love-making episodes in the early stages of his career which nothing -could induce him to talk about. If I ever chanced to mention the -subject of matrimony in his presence, a hard, metallic look came over -his features, and his lips closed with the tightness and vehemence of -a pair of handcuffs. Naturally, I was not encouraged by these symptoms -to pursue the matter. However, from what I have since been able to -glean from other sources, I think I am justified in saying that HOLES -was at one time, while quite a young man, engaged to the daughter of -an eminent church dignitary, a charming girl who united good looks -to a comfortable balance at her bankers. One morning, however, HOLES, -whose mind was constantly occupied in the solution of deep and complex -psychological problems, suddenly startled Miss BELLASYS by informing -her that from certain indications he had concluded that she had two -large moles on the upper portion of her left shoulder-blade. It was in -vain that the unfortunate girl protested with tears in her eyes that -she was ignorant of this disfigurement; that, as a matter of fact, -she had the best reason for believing that no such moles existed, -and that, if they did, it was not her fault, but must be due to a -momentary oversight on the part of her nurse, a woman of excellent -character and sound church principles. HOLES was, as usual, -inexorable. - -[Illustration] - -"My dearest ANNABELLA," he observed, "I am never mistaken. Within the -last ten minutes while I have been discussing with you my new theory -of clues I have noticed your left eye--the right I cannot see--slowly -close twice, while at the same moment your head drooped on to your -left shoulder. Thus you were twice blind on the left side. Moles, as -we learn, not merely from books on natural history, but from our own -observation, are blind. You have, therefore, two moles on your left -shoulder. The fact is indisputable." - -Terrified by this convincing demonstration, poor Miss BELLASYS -released the great detective from his engagement, and retired shortly -afterwards from the world to enrol herself in the ranks of a nursing -sisterhood. - -These, I believe, are the facts connected with my friend's -only engagement, and I merely state them here in order that the -deeply-interesting story of his life may be as complete as laborious -and accurate research on my part can make it. It is perhaps not to be -wondered at that the man should have been to some extent soured by the -tragic termination of a love affair which seemed full of the promise -of happiness for all concerned. - -But it must not be supposed that the life of PICKLOCK HOLES was -entirely destitute of the domestic joys. He would often tell me when -we met again after an interval during which he had disappeared from my -ken that he had been giving the old folks at home a turn, and that -he felt himself in a measure reinvigorated by the simple and trusting -affection lavished upon him by his family circle. I gathered that this -consisted of his father and mother, Sir AMINADAB and Lady HOLES, his -two younger brothers, curiously named HAYLOFT and SKAIRKROW HOLES, his -widowed sister, Mrs. GUMPSHON, with various children of all ages left -as pledges of affection by the late Colonel GUMPSHON of the Saltshire -Bays, as gallant an officer as ever cleft the head of an Afghan or -lopped an Egyptian in two. Often had I felt, though I had been far too -discreet to express it openly, an ardent desire to become acquainted -with a family which, if I might judge by my friend PICKLOCK, must -be one of the most remarkable in the world for brain power and keen -intelligence. My wish was to be gratified sooner than I looked for. - -One evening, as HOLES and I were sitting in my bachelor rooms in -Belgrave Square, there came a sudden knock at the door. We were -smoking, and I remember that HOLES had just been explaining to me that -it was customary to infer an assassin from the odour of Trichinopoly, -whilst a Cabana denoted a man of luxurious habits and unbridled -passions. From Bird's-eye tobacco a direct line of induction, he said, -brought one to a Cabinet Minister, whilst Cavendish in its uncut -stage led to a mixture of a smuggler, a Methodist minister, and a -club-proprietor in reduced circumstances. I was marvelling at the -singular acumen of the man when, as I say, there came a tap at the -door, which interrupted our discussions. The door then slowly opened, -and a small female child, of a preternaturally sharp expression, slid, -as it were, inductively into the room. It was the youthful ISABEL -GUMPSHON, one of HOLES'S nieces. "All right, ISABEL," said the great -detective, "we will come with you;" and in another moment a swift -four-wheeler was conveying us to Fitzjohn's Avenue, where Sir AMINADAB -and his lady had their dwelling-place. - -No sooner had we arrived than I felt that we were indeed in a home of -mystery, to which the Egyptian Hall of Messrs. MASKELYNE and COOKE was -a mere baby. There was in the air a heavy odour of detection, a sort -of clinging mist of inductive argument, a vaporous emanation of crimes -logically discovered and inferentially revealed, a pervading miasma -of obtuse police-inspectors relieved by complimentary magistrates and -eulogistic judges. The description may seem highly-coloured, but it -represents with literal accuracy the impression made upon my mind by -my entrance into the ancestral mansion of the HOLES family. Nor -was this impression removed as we ascended the stairs. On the first -landing we found Mrs. GUMPSHON engaged in teaching her youngest boy, -AUGUSTUS O'BRIEN GUMPSHON, a correct system of guess-work. The boy, a -bright little fellow of five, was at that moment in disgrace. He had -courageously attempted to guess his mother's age, and having in an -excess of rashness fixed the figure at forty-two, he had been severely -punished, and was at that moment languishing in a corner of the -landing. In the drawing-room we found the rest of the family. Sir -AMINADAB, it appeared, had murdered the footman some ten minutes -before our arrival, and had contrived by the aid of a pair -of blood-stained braces, which were one of his most cherished -possessions, to fix the guilt upon Lady HOLES, in whose basket-trunk, -moreover, the dismembered body of the unfortunate menial had been -discovered by the cook. The ingenuity of this diabolical plot had for -some nine minutes baffled the whole family. Lady HOLES was just about -to resign herself to the inevitable arrest, when HAYLOFT HOLES, with -an appearance of calm nonchalance, eminently suited to his impassive -features, had produced from his father's waistcoat pocket two of -the unfortunate footman's silver buttons, and had thus convicted Sir -AMINADAB of the crime. As we entered the drawing-room we were almost -overwhelmed with the shouts of joy that welcomed this wonderful -exhibition of the family talent. SKAIRKROW HOLES, who was of a more -reflective turn of mind, had, it seemed, been looking out of the -window at the passers-by, and had just proved triumphantly to his -youngest niece, JEMIMA, that a man whom she had taken for a vendor -of cat's meat was in reality a director of a building society who -had defrauded the miserable investors of fifty-two thousand pounds, -eighteen shillings, and ninepence halfpenny. It was into this happy -family party that HOLES and I, led by ISABEL GUMPSHON, intruded on the -memorable evening of which I speak. - - (_To be continued._) - - NOTE.--There are, it seems, rumours about to the effect that - my marvellous friend, PICKLOCK HOLES, is dead. Some even go - so far as to assert that he never existed. I leave these two - factions to fight the matter out. If he is dead he must have - existed; if he never existed he cannot have died. This shows - the folly of relying on rumour.--SAMUEL POTSON. - - * * * * * - -THE LORD CHANCELLOR'S SONG. - -(_The Up-to-date Version._) - - Oh! pity the lot of a harassed Lord Chancellor, - Suffering badly from too much to do. - Appointments to give, and appointments to cancel or - Magistrate making, not knowing who's who. - - Work of a quantity highly distressing, - Jack-like it's dull with all work and no play. - I start in the morning when hurriedly dressing. - And stick to it then for full twelve hours a day. - - Selecting with care and the utmost propriety, - I wade through long lists of the would-be J.P.'s, - Who wish to be benched for the sake of Society, - Till I sigh for repose and a quantum of ease. - - It's hard--ANANIAS would hardly deny it, - After all it's £10 000 a year at the most. - Resignation's a virtue. I'm minded to try it; - A chance for some aspirants--who's for the post? - - * * * * * - -MOTTO FOR EDITORS OF VERY-LATEST-NEWS-EVENING-JOURNALS (_hard up far a -paragraph_).--"When in doubt play JABEZ BALFOUR." - - * * * * * - -MRS. R. ON THE DYNAMITE OUTRAGE IN THE FRENCH CHAMBER.--"Hanging's too -good for such a scoundrel," said Mrs. R., indignantly; "but they don't -hang in France, so the wretch will be taken and gelatined." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE WERE-WOLF OF ANARCHY.] - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "BUSINESS FIRST." - -_Favourite Son of M.F.H. (to old Huntsman)._ "NO, SMITH, YOU WON'T SEE -MUCH MORE OF ME FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON; IF AT ALL." - -_Smith (with some concern)._ "INDEED, SIR. 'OW'S THAT?" - -_Son of M.F.H._ "WELL, YOU SEE I'M READING HARD." - -_Smith (interrogatively)._ "READIN' 'ARD, SIR?" - -_Son of M.F.H._ "YES, I'M READING LAW." - -_Smith._ "WELL, I LIKES TO READ A BIT O' THEM PERLICE REPORTS MYSELF, -SIR, NOW AN' THEN; BUT I DON'T ALLOW 'EM TO HINTERFERE WITH A HONEST -DAYS 'UNTIN'."] - - * * * * * - -THE WERE-WOLF. - - [Anglo-Saxon _wer_, a man, and wolf--a man in the form of a - wolf. - - "The garments are changed into hair, his arms into legs; he - becomes a wolf, and he still retains vestiges of his ancient - form. His hoariness is still the same, the same violence - appears in his features; his eyes are bright as before; he - is still the same image of ferocity."--_Ovid, on the - metamorphosis of King Lycaon into a wolf._] - - _WOLF! Wolf!_ The cry that wakes - The slumbering shepherds, shakes - The faint-hearts of the fold with shuddering fear. - The flock's ferocious foe - Compassion doth not know, - His breathing's heard, his furtive foot-fall's near. - It is no season for slack guard, - But watchful care and unrelaxing ward. - - This is the Man-Wolf, theme - Of ancient classic dream, - And mediæval myth, at last made fact. - Worse than the lupine pest - Upon whose hoary crest - Old monarchs laid a price! 'Gainst him a pact - Of all the peoples must be made; - Rapine's his life, red ruin his dread trade. - - The old grey wolf who prowled - Around the fold, and howled - Impotent rage to the black wintry skies, - Was no such foe as this, - Our Were-Wolf, whom the abyss - Of yawning chaos looses, whose red eyes, - Half human and half bestial, glare - Malignant menace from his secret lair. - - Such subter-human guise, - Such fiercely fiendlike eyes, - Arcadian Lycaon. Jove-changed, bore - When mortal hate took on, - At the Olympian frown, - Its fitting shape. The lessons of old lore, - Magic-divested, myth-stripped, still - Commend themselves to human wit and will. - - Humanity must urge - Against this lupine scourge - Civilisation's forces banded close. - The watch-dogs, as of old, - Must guard the human fold - Against this last and worst of order's foes; - And the world's sleuthhounds led by Law - Must hunt this Were-Wolf of the insatiate maw. - - Hunt him from every lair, - Till, outlaw everywhere, - This friend of carnage and sheer chaos finds - A foe at every turn. - A foot to crush or spurn, - The warning cry of "Wolf!" on all the winds, - And wheresoe'r the ravener stray - Civilisation's light must search--and slay! - - * * * * * - -"TRÈS BANG!"--To T-M SM-TH, of the Wholesale Crackery Warehouse, -with _Mr. Punch's_ compliments. Certainly, at Christmas-time. T. S.'s -crackers "get the pull!" At least, so says his Lordship the pop-ular -Bishop of GO-BANGOR. - - * * * * * - -Dr. R-bs-n R-se - -(_In the "Fortnightly" this month_). - - To be in perfect health live well and wisely: - This just sums up my article concisely. - - * * * * * - -QUITE ON THE CARDS.--In last Saturday's _Daily Graphic_ there was an -interesting picture on a pretty subject, to which was subscribed the -legend: "The New Governor of the Isle of Man being Sworn in at Castle -Rushen." Suppose by some printer's-devil's error the "at" had been -placed before the "in"! "O what a difference in the morning," when it -would have read: "being Sworn at in Castle Rushen." - - * * * * * - -DUCAL DOINGS. - - "Lord A. B. C. will return to town to-morrow."--[_Any - "Fashionable Intelligence" column._] - - I'm but a plebeian, I know, - But feelings as ardent as mine - May feel a legitimate glow - On reading this eloquent line; - Though Fate has denied me as yet - A fame or a fortune renowned, - By items like these I can feel when I please - An aristocrat down to the ground! - - The fact that I never have seen - The gentleman mentioned--as soon - I'd fly as distinguish between - Himself and the Man in the Moon-- - Has little to do with the case; - My knowledge, I frankly confess, - Of the doings of those who our "classes" compose - Is wholly derived from the Press. - - But eagerly over my tea - My eyes on this volume I cast, - I read of engagements to be, - Of dances and _fêtes_ of the past, - I learn with the deepest regret - That the Duke of X. Y. is unwell, - And with pleasure I glow that the Marquis of O. - Has dined with the Duchess of L.! - - In fact, as I muse in a dream, - The charm that this column extends - Makes all the nobility seem - My intimate personal friends; - Political leaders are bosh, - And Foreign Intelligence stuff, - Just print up to date the deeds of the great, - And I shall be happy enough! - - * * * * * - - MR. LECKY AND THE SCOTCH. - ---Dear _Mr. Punch_,--If Mr. LECKY is deserving of censure, surely some -public notice should be taken of the insult offered to the Scotch, -Welsh, Irish, and Manx nations by Lord NELSON in his celebrated -signal. That signal should surely have run:--"England, Scotland, -Wales, Ireland, the Channel Islands, and the Isle of Man, expect that -every man this day will do his duty." - - --Yours truly, AN INDIGNANT MANXMAN. - - * * * * * - - MOTTO FOR HAIRDRESSERS.-- - -"Cut and comb again!" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS. - -OWING TO HIS NOTORIOUS ECCENTRICITY THEIR RELATIONS WITH THE LOCAL -MAMMOTH WERE SOMEWHAT STRAINED.] - - * * * * * - -BANK HOLIDAY BEAUTY. - -(_Protest by a Pretty Girl at the Crystal Palace._) - - That "Beauty's decaying among us!" - By certain old fogies we're told. - Many poets have ceaselessly sung us! - But then even poets _grow old_. - SMELFUNGUS has "been to the Palace," - And Beauty, he thinks "going out." - Now can it be folly or malice? - Is he blind, or bald-headed and stout? - I think 'tis most likely the latter. - He's fifty, no doubt, if a day. - Yes, that I suspect's "what's the matter"; - And then, who cares what _he_ may say? - When he went to the Palace of Crystal, - He puffed, I've no doubt, and swigged port, - And what wonder then if he missed all - The Vision of Beauty at sport? - At Kiss in the Ring we were playing, - He envied us, that's where it is, - Because if near us he came straying - He knew we'd refuse _him_ a kiss. - And so (as TOT puts it) he "telled a lie," - To cover his nasty mean spite. - No, pessimist purblind and elderly, - Our looks weren't in fault, 'twas your sight! - What with Tennis, and one thing and t'other, - We're prettier than ever all round; - _I_'m nearly as strong as my brother, - Tall, straight, nimble, healthy, and sound. - And as to my teeth!--you don't know them, - Or else you have told what's not true; - You'd retract, were I only to show them, - And I feel I _could_ show them--_at you_! - - * * * * * - -EVIDENT.--In drinking the health of the Italian Parliament, the -Toast of the evening ought to be,--as indeed every Toast when well -done ought to be,--"_Crispi_." - - * * * * * - -AN ODE OF ODOURS. - -(_A Poem of Recognition._) - - Oh, what is this faint perfume that I smell, - And smelling seem, somehow, to know so well? - What recollections should it start again, - What memories of the past bring in its train? - Is it a whiff of country come to-day, - Of mangel-wurzels, or of new-mown hay? - Or was it when She witched me with a glance - The subtle odour reached me--at the dance? - Where'er it was, I'm certain that I know it, - As certain as I am I'm not a poet, - But stay, was it when influenza gripped us? - It was! _Eureka!_ Yes, it's Eucalyptus! - - * * * * * - -On Certain Philistine Pedagogues. - - Greek and Philosophy but tire and twist 'em. - Duncedom they praise, and dub it "democratic," - And their abuse of the great Attic system - Is systematic! - - * * * * * - -MEM. FROM ACCRINGTON.--Liberal party in a fix here. Naturally anxious -to keep a LEESE-hold on the constituency, it looks a little awkward to -pose as the labourer's friend, and at the same time to keep (HERMON) -HODGE out of Parliament! - - * * * * * - -MEM. BY A HORSE-BUYER WHO HAS BEEN "HAD."--"Novice" does not always -mean no vice. - - * * * * * - -MUSIC AND LAW. - -During a recent trial, Mr. EDWARD SOLOMON, the plaintiff testified -that his work was worth to him about thirty-nine pounds per diem. -"Why," exclaimed Mr. Justice LAWRANCE, "if you write a good many -(what?) it is better than----" Whereupon interposed Mr. PAUL -TAYLOR, Counsel for the plaintiff, "Better than the Bar, my lord." -(_Laughter._) Why, of course, Mr. PAUL TAYLOR! Was there no one in -Court with knowledge of the simplest arithmetic sufficient to inform -you that to work at _several bars_ must be worth much more than -to work at _one Bar_? Hasn't Sir ARTHUR SULLIVAN, by composing the -lightest possible operas in the world, achieved that best of all -"possible probable" tunes, a for-tune, that even a judge, whether of -music or at law, might envy? Why, certainly. And the GILLIVAN-SULBERT -Savoyards could, if they liked, tell Judge LAWRANCE that "thirty-nine -pounds per diem" is not an over-estimate of the share apportioned to -each of the three leading scions of the House of the Savoy, composer, -librettist, and manager, during the run of one of their real -successes, such, for example, as was _The Mikado_. 'Tis a pity -Composer SOLOMON did not call Composer SULLIVAN to testify to what -might be the pecuniary value of a successful composition. We wish the -deserving TAYLOR better luck with the next suit he takes in hand. - - * * * * * - -OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -Good supply of all sorts of game at Christmas, and especially from the -preserves of Messrs. DE LA RUE. Try "Animal Snap" and see how you like -it. Thanks to DEAN AND SON--_i.e._, Senior DEAN and Junior DEAN--for -their _Golden Hours_, _The Prize_, _Peeps into Paradise_, and _The -Venetian Blind Moveable Picture Book_, the last being the best of -all. And DEAN'S Cracker Toy-books will certainly go _off_ well. _As we -Sweep through the Deep._ "Quite the light publishers for tales of the -sea are 'NELSON AND SONS,'" quoth the Baron, "and no doubt they -hope that every man will do his duty at Christmas time and go in for -Nelsonian boys and girls books." "_As we Sweep_" is by that true Horse -Marine (if there is anything in a name), yclept Dr. GORDON STABLES, -R.N. - -[Illustration] - -The Baroness recommends _The Rosebud Annual_. A lovely posy of -pictures and tales to be found on the shelf of JAMES CLARKE & CO., -Publishers, and, the Baroness supposes, Nursery Gardeners. "Natural -this," quoth a Baronite, "here is a _Miss Parson's Adventures_ told by -a Clark RUSSELL!" If you want it send to CHAPMAN AND HALL. And all -the Baronites say many thanks to MACMILLAN & CO. for a delightful new -edition of Miss MARY MITFORD RUSSELL'S _Our Village_. - -Our compliments to Mrs. LOVETT CAMERON on _A Tragic Blunder_. A blow -given by mistake to the wrong person nearly ruins the entire happiness -of several people, but it all comes right at the end of two vols. from -Mrs. CAMERON'S pen. It is a nice light entertainment with which to -while away an hour or two. - -"I like _Richard Escott_," says the Baron, laying down the -Macmillanitish one-volume novel of that name written by E. H. COOPER. -"It is an interesting story, and might be the first of a series -similar to the _Rougon Macquart_ family, as, when this tale finishes, -there are sufficient _Escotts_ alive to carry on the story of their -family through many generations, only, unfortunately, the date of this -story cannot be taken further back than, say, about ten years ago, -if that. To give the family breathing-time, we should require some -stories about the ESCOTTS under Queen ANNE and the GEORGES, and then -we could return to the fortunes of the sons and daughters the _Richard -Escott_. - -"With fear and trembling, yet with a sensation of enjoying some secret -wicked pleasure," quoth the Baron, confidentially, "I retired with Mr. -ASHBY STERRY'S _Naughty Girl_ into my _sanctum_, which, as its name -implies, is just the very place to which I ought to retire with a -young lady bearing such a character." _A Naughty Girl_ is published in -the "Modern Library Series" brought out by Messrs. BLISS, SANDS, AND -FOSTER; and how happy would SANDS be--run out, of course--and where -would FOSTER be unless foster'd by the other two--without BLISS, who -makes quite a little 'eaven below of this Publishing Firm. Blissful -must have been Mr. ASHBY STERRY'S state when he wrote so excellent -a Dickensian description, as he has done in the earlier part of this -book, of Boxing Night at Drury Lane, and when he gave a finishing -touch to this story in showing how _Beryl_ and _Jack_ were brought -together in spite of a temporary misunderstanding and estrangement. -"Bravo Pantalaureate of many a frilling poem! A Happy Christmas to you -and your readers!" quoth the warm-hearted and appreciative - - BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: An "Up to Date" Young Man.] - - * * * * * - -"'TWAS IN TRAFALGAR"'S THEATRE. - -As in the case of the old farcical play _The Three Hunchbacks_, on -which an _opéra bouffe_ was founded, and of all plays ancient and -modern depending for their success on the exact physical resemblance -existing between three distinct persons, directly the audience -has grasped the fact, they enter heartily into the humour of the -complications. Now, in _Tom, Dick and Harry_, the audience, having -once mastered and allowed the given thesis, viz., that Mr. CHARLES -HAWTREY, Mr. ERNEST PERCY, and Mr. ARTHUR PLAYFAIR are so exactly -alike that even their own wives and sweethearts are unable to -distinguish one _Antipholus_ from another _Antipholus_, and both or -either from a third _Antipholus_, then the fun of the confusion gains -upon them, and Mrs. R. PACHECO'S three-act farce at the Trafalgar -Square Theatre gives the spectators fits, which assume the proportion -of convulsions of laughter absolutely dangerous to the safety of -various individuals. For this deponent can testify to the effect of -the fun of the farce on a small boy in a box, who literally jumped -with joy--quite a little Jack-in-the-Box--and in his excitement would -have precipitated himself into the stalls, but for the united energies -of the family party, which retained him amongst them by sheer force. -He had been less wildly enthusiastic about _Pickwick_, owing, perhaps, -to the restraining appearance of _Tommy Bardell_, whose presence on -the stage the Boy in the Box might, perhaps, have been inclined to -view with disfavour, though giving a rapturous welcome to Miss JESSIE -BOND'S charming impersonation of _Mrs. Bardell_, to Mr. LITTLE'S -life-like _Pickwick_, and to Mr. CHARLES HAWTREY'S sentimental but -sulky _Baker_. However he made up for any show of envy towards _Tommy_ -by cordially applauding Mr. EDWARD SOLOMON's catching melodies, which -are not less humourously than skilfully orchestrated; and his (I am -still speaking of the Boy in the Box) genuine applause throughout the -evening quite led that of the house, and was a real treat to witness, -culminating as it did in a volcanic eruption of irrepressible joy at -the conclusion of the second act of _Tom, Dick and Harry_. Miss VANE -FEATHERSTON, the Misses ESMOND and WILLIAMS, the ever-clever Miss -SOPHIE LARKIN, in a difficult part, Mr. W. F. HAWTREY as _Dr. Wagner_, -the Specialist--specially good--and Mr. JOHN BEAUCHAMP, who quite -revives the otherwise worn-out peppery stage-Indian General of old -Haymarket and Adelphi farces,--all do their very best, and, with Mr. -C. HAWTREY,--make the piece what it is, a thorough-going success. At -least such is the opinion of - - THE OTHER BOY. - - * * * * * - -THE WESTMINSTER PLAY. - -SCENE--_The Dormitory of St. Peter's College._ - - For three or four centuries Westminster's taught us - To struggle with TERENCE and wrestle with PLAUTUS; - This time the _Trinummus_ once more reappears, - With a "run" on the boards of two thousand odd years. - - Alma _Mater_ of Comedy truly's the "Dorter," - Where long may each _rôle_ find a youthful supporter! - If ever from "college" they're driven away, - The Queen's Scholars' fate were "All work and no Play!" - - * * * * * - -SEASONABLE DUETT FOR THE ZIERENBERGS (_adapted for their use by Henry -Labouchere, Esq., M.P._). "Home, Home, Home, Sweet Home!" - - * * * * * - -TOAST FOR THE INHOSPITABLE.--"Friends--_at a distance!_" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "SPEED THE PARTING GUEST." - -"SO YOU AND GEORGE HAVE BEEN STAYING WITH MY DEAR OLD FRIENDS SIR -ISAAC AND LADY LINCRUSTA WALTON! DIDN'T YOU FIND THEM VERY NICE TO -YOU?" - -"YES; ESPECIALLY WHEN WE WERE LEAVING!"] - - * * * * * - -A MESSAGE FROM THE SEA. - -_Father Neptune loquitur_:-- - - John Bull, my friend, if an ear you'll lend - to your true old messmate Neptune, - It may do you good. We are mates in - mood, and our hearts have always kept tune. - The Isle that's right, and extremely tight-- - which I trust that mayn't mean "groggy"-- - Is our care, old chum! Well, the outlook's - rum, and the prospect rather foggy! - Oh! keep on your hair! There's no cause - for Scare, though some party men, and papers, - Do their best to raise a new Naval Craze. - These be old, old party capers; - For your angry Outs _always_ swell with - doubts, whilst the Cocksure Ins, complacent, - Swear that cause for care may be found-- - Nowhere, or the parts thereto adjacent. - You are not so green that mere party spleen, - and the bogus bosh of boobies, - Can play the fool with your judgment cool; - 'tis a richer dower than rubies. - Still a Fleet, old boy, is no party toy, no - theme for factious scoffing, - And--well, JOHN, I spot a tremendous lot of - "furrin'" ships in the offing! - Keep a weather eye upon sea and sky, and I - think JOHN, altogether, - You will deem it right to get all things tight, - and prepare for dirty weather. - "Britons never, never," sounds bold and - clever; Britannia won't act as "slavey," - But if "Missus" would keep her "home on - the deep," you _must_ keep up a spanking Navy! - Statistics fog, and there's no such bog as - the brain of an average Briton - When his Naval Nobs, and Finance Dry Bobs - have got their fighting fit on. - They talk great bosh, half their "facts" - won't wash, and as to their figures endless,-- - If from stern to stem you could see through - _them_ you would _have_ more, JOHN, and _spend_ less! - A word in your lug! There is no Hum-bug - like that of a Naval Oracle, - When he's "out in the wet"; on that you - may bet--ah! an ironclad to a coracle! - He _may_ mean well, but The Truth to tell in - a fashion straight and steady, - Without "cavort" or a "list to port," is as - hard--as song to a Neddy! - JOHNNY, old boy, you must just employ - _your own wits_ on this business; - Party debate will addle your pate, _ex-parte_ - "facts" bring dizziness. - Look for yourself, and you'll save much - pelf, and good value get for your money, - Squelch party fudge, be your own best judge, - and you'll floor the croakers, JOHNNY! - - Still, JOHNNY mine, on my breadths of brine, - you must keep first place, or perish. - 'Tis with that thought you have paid and - fought, and that thought you still must cherish. - Better plank down your last half-crown, than - lose the Crown _I_ gave you, - Let gold _and_ blood flow in full flood, than let - the foe enslave you! - - A rhyme, a rhyme for the Christmas time! - It may not, JOHN, sound jolly, - But to pipe and dance _whilst your foes - advance_, were the maddest sort of folly. - With pockets full Peace's pipe to pull, or - to sip your grog and slumber, - Is nice; but you'll wake to a huge mistake - _if your foes your Fleet outnumber_! - Get your Fleet, old man, _cheap_ if you can, - but at all costs _get your Fleet_, JOHN! - Ships, guns and crew more than any two of - the foes you are like to meet JOHN! - Take your old friend's tip, let _no_ chance - slip, and be foiled by _no_ pretence, JOHN; - Keep eye on the foe, build all you know, and - big big D the expense, JOHN! - - * * * * * - -OUR BARTERERS. - -BICYCLE.--Thoroughly heavy, lumbering, out-of-date machine, recently -doctored up to look like new, for sale. Cost, second-hand, six years -ago. £4. Will take £12 for it. Bargain. Would suit a dyspeptic giant, -or a professional Strong Man in want of violent exercise. - -SAFETY CYCLE.--Pneumatic tyres. A real beauty. Makers well known in -Bankruptcy Court. Owner giving up riding in consequence of the frame -being thoroughly unsafe, and the tyres constantly bursting. Would -exchange for one of BROADWOOD'S grand pianos or a freehold house in -the country. - -TURKEY CARPET.--Never used, as seller is not an absolute fool. -Wretched condition guaranteed. As it has been kept for a year or -two in a mouldy attic at a second-hand furniture shop, it is simply -teeming with moths, but it is confidently anticipated that it will -not fall to pieces in time for a purchaser to detect the fraud. Price, -only double that of a first-rate new carpet of same kind. - -RARE OPPORTUNITY.--A ten-pound note will buy my genuine Spiderette -Arabesque Dunmow Beestof a Patent Safety Tricycle. Weighs only sixteen -ounces. Seventy-four championships won on it, including that of Sierra -Leone. Runs away up-hill. Impossible to stop it down-hill. Folds into -a small biscuit tin. Every part equally fragile. A collar-bone and six -ribs broken off it in one week's practise. Made at Coventry, and ought -to be sent there. First applicant has it. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "A MESSAGE FROM THE SEA." - -FATHER NEPTUNE. "LOOK HERE, JOHN, THERE'S A JOLLY SIGHT O' THEM -FURRIN' CRAFT ABOUT, TAKE A TIP FROM YOUR OLD FRIEND--BUILD ALL YOU -KNOW--AND _DASH_ THE EXPENSE!"] - - * * * * * - -TO BOBBY. - -(_To the tune of "To Tommy."_) - - BLUE BOBBY, brave and strong, - They begin to right your wrong. - Silent shoes, and now revolvers! That will do! - Now I hope you'll make things plain - To the brutal burglar train; - And, Bobby, _Punch's_ best respects to you! - - May "tips" swell your smallish pay - On the coming Boxing Day; - (For I know they're rather screwy with your "screw.") - Shod and armed upon your round, - Heaven keep you safe and sound, - And, Bobby, JOHN BULL'S best respects to you! - - * * * * * - -THE LILLY'S LESSON.--Mr. LILLY, in the _New Review_, reminds DIVES -that "there is no excuse for riches which are divorced from public -obligation." This cuts deeply! Possibly DIVES would retort upon the -author of "Shibboleths" that riches _require_ no "excuse." At any -rate we do not often find men making excuses for being rich, though -apologies for poverty are common enough. All the same, _Mr. Punch_ -would strongly recommend DIVES--especially at this festive season--to -"consider the (W. S.) LILLY"! - - * * * * * - -"A LONG BREAK."--_À propos_ of our picture in last week's issue, we -have received the following suggestion:--"Sir, if MR. GLADSTONE, the -great billiard player, wishes to continue his 'long break,' wouldn't -it be advisable for him '_to take a rest_.'--Yours truly, BREAKERS A. -HEAD." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: AT THE COURTS OF JUSTICE. - -_First Litigant._ "I'M BANKRUPTCY. WHAT ARE YOU?" - -_Second L._ "I'M DIVORCE." - -_First L._ "THEN YOU STAND LUNCH!"] - - * * * * * - -SEASONABLE REFLECTION. - -(_By an Old Fogey._) - - We are hearing a lot of "the Buffer State"; - Faith! it comes to us all--after Forty-eight! - When from gout, and the pretty girls' scorn, we suffer, - We have all arrived at the state of the "Buffer." - - * * * * * - -"FOR THIS RELIEF--MUCH THANKS." _Shakspeare._--A correspondent in the -_Pall Mall Gazette_ recently complained of the disappearance of "Thank -you," and the substitution of "Thanks" and "Thanks awfully." Why not? -It is but a revival of the ancient Latin form "_gratias_," and surely -plural "Thanks" indicates indefinitely more thankfulness than an -uneffusive, frigid, singular "Thank you," signifying "I thank you." -Let us be Shakspearianly classical, as in the quotation above given, -and say "Much thanks." So again, "I am poor in thanks--but I thank -you." Here the relative value of the plural and the singular in thanks -is well brought out. - - * * * * * - -BALL _VERSUS_ BALL. - - LYTTELTON and LANG--with all - Whom pure prejudice can't fetter,-- - Say--concerning games at ball-- - Golf is good but Cricket better. - Wisdom owns an ounce of practice - Worth a ton of theory. Fact is, - Those who set that saw a-run, - Had not seen a LYTTEL-TON! - Who performs as well as teaches, - And can practice what he preaches. - - * * * * * - -"AFTER THE BALL" IN PARIS. - -MY DEAR MONS. PUNCH,--I am delighted! I am overjoyed! Why, your Oxford -College has accepted the challenge of our Racing Club to play a game -of _kic bal_ this month of December! It is good! It is very good -indeed! It makes cold, so I can not go for to see the sport. - -But permit me, I would propose these rules in the cause of humanity, -for the sake of civilisation. I give them below. They are not many:-- - -_Proposed Rules for "le jeu de kic bal" between Oxford College and -Racing Club._ - -1. No kickers to approach closer to one another than six yards -distance. - -2. The scrimmage to be interdicted. Sergent de ville to be on guard on -the ground to prevent assaults even of the most trifling character. - -3. Boots not to be worn, but dancing-pumps. - -4. The players to wear fur-lined coats, and to take arm-chairs on the -ground for their comfort. - -5. The "kic bal" to be made of inflated india-rubber, with a hole in -the centre, so that it shall collapse without causing injury. - -6. No game of "kic bal" to last more than five minutes, and after -every game a pause of one hour to be permitted, so that the players -may have necessary rest and proper refreshment. - -And yet one more suggestion. But this shall not be a rule but only -an offering. I make you a present of the idea--so charming--as a -compliment of the season. Let the goals be made of Christmas-trees, -let the "kickers" be covered with holly and mistletoe (like -your "Jack-in-the-Green"), and instead of a brutal, rough, hard, -uncomfortable globe of leather, let the "kic bal" be a veritable plum -pudding! - -Your hand! I wish you "Joking Christmas Amiable New Year." Your -friend--and brother, "gentlemans ridere," - -_Paris in December_. - - (_Signed_) JULES. - - * * * * * - -NEWS FROM MONTE CARLO.--Mr. J-HN M-RL-Y is, we are glad to hear, much -better. _Rouge gagne._ - - * * * * * - -A WINDY CORNER AT BRIGHTON. - -(_By an Impressionist._) - - Old lady first, with hair like winter snows, - Makes moan. - And struggles. Then, with cheeks too richly rose, - A crone, - Gold hair, new teeth, white powder on her nose; - All bone - And skin; an "Ancient Mystery," like those - Of HONE. - Then comes a girl; sweet face that freshly glows! - Well grown. - The neat cloth gown her supple figure shows, - Now thrown - In lines of beauty. Last, in graceless pose, - Half prone, - A luckless lout, caught by the blast, one knows - His tone - Means oaths; his hat, straight as fly crows, - Has flown. - I laugh at him, and---- Hi! By Jove, there goes - My own! - - * * * * * - -MOTTO FOR LADY CHAMPAGNE DRINKERS.--"Sweetness and light!" - - * * * * * - -THE BLUE BELLES OF SCOTLAND. - -(_Latest prose version from the Modern Athens._) - - SCENE--_A Dressing-room._ - TIME--_The Present._ - CHARACTERS--_A_ Mistress _and her Maid_. - -_Mistress._ Now then, MARY, you really must make haste or I shall not -be in time. Have you got my latest bonnet from Paris? - -_Maid._ Yes, Madam. I told JOHN to put the foot-warmer and the -carriage rug in the brougham. - -_Mistress._ Quite right; and now have you got my fan? - -_Maid._ Yes, Madam, and I suppose you will want your opera-glasses? - -_Mistress._ Naturally; how could I see anything distinctly without -them? There is sure to be such a crowd. And, by the way, have you got -me a packet of literature? - -_Maid._ Yes, Madam. Three novels, and all the illustrated papers. - -_Mistress._ If there are many delays I shall be able to pass the time -pleasantly. And the luncheon basket? - -_Maid._ Yes, M'm. Cold fowl, flask of sherry, some celery, a pound -cake, knives, forks, glasses, plates, salt, mustard, bread, and a -bottle of soda-water. Is there anything else? - -_Mistress._ Well, perhaps I might carry in my muff my pocket camera. -'Tis just possible I may be able to get a snap-shot at the principal -character. - - (_Enters the carriage._) - -You haven't given me my special ticket. - -_Maid._ Here it is, Madam. Shall I tell JOHN to drive to the -Concert-room? - -_Mistress._ No, no. Tell him to take me to the Court. I am going to -assist at a trial for murder! - - * * * * * - -SEASONABLE SAYINGS. - -There is many a slip between the house and the church on a frosty -morning. - -You cannot make a respectable tradesman out of a grocer who offers -tips to a working-housekeeper. - -You may take a dustman's token to a stingy man's portal, but you can't -get him to give you a Christmas-box. - -A dun in need is a county court indeed. - -It is a long dinner that has no earning. - -People who live in glass houses should not throw away their coke and -coals. - -Deal with the Stores and the private accounts will look after -themselves. - -A penny saved by avoiding an omnibus is a florin lost by taking a -Hansom cab. - -A single swallow never represents a family Christmas dinner. - -Enough is often dearer than a feast, especially if you take the last -at the house of a friend. - -Send an acquaintance an old card about Christmas on Boxing Day, and he -will return you a second-hand greeting on the 2nd of January anent the -New Year. - -Give credit at Christmas and you will find you still have money owing -to you at Easter. - -Christmas comes but once a year, and bores for the length of a -century. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: A QUESTION OF THE SENSES. - -_First County Councillor._ "I'M TOLD THE _ACOUSTICS_ OF THIS HALL -LEAVE MUCH TO BE DESIRED, MR. BROWN!" - -_Second C. C._ (_delicately sniffing_). "INDEED, SIR POMPEY? CAN'T -SAY AS I PERCEIVE ANYTHINK AMISS, MYSELF; AND MY NOSE IS PRETTY SHARP, -TOO!"] - - * * * * * - -ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. - -EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. - -_House of Commons, Monday, December 11._--Remarkable testimony to -catholicity of DICKY TEMPLE'S mind that he should just now have been -talking about Siam. Various other topics to the fore. The Featherstone -inquiry; Matabeleland, in which the SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE takes -unfaltering interest; Betterment, and, incidentally, the Parish -Councils Bill. Only TEMPLE thinks of remote, unfriended, solitary -Siam. Wants to know when papers including most recent correspondence -will be published? EDWARD GREY taken at a disadvantage. Wasn't -thinking of Siam. Just been looking up map to find out precise -situation of Kilia mouth of the Danube. CAP'EN TOMMY BOWLES been, so -to speak, jumping down it. Suspects the CZAR of iniquitous intention -in this part of the world. CZAR evidently thought the CAP'EN, being -intent on the education of MUNDELLA in nautical affairs, would not -have time to keep an eye on the Kilia mouth of the Danube. CZAR knows -better now. So does EDWARD GREY. Spent quite an interesting quarter -of an hour with the map, and came at last upon this particular outlet. -Just congratulating himself that, as a rule, British rivers have only -one mouth, when TEMPLE sprang Siam upon him. - -"Do you know," said Member for Sark, looking admiringly at the great -historiographer of Parliament, "I never see TEMPLE on his legs but -I think of OVID'S epitaph on the parrot. You remember how it runs in -English?-- - - 'I please the fair. So much this stone doth tell. - What more? I talked, and, for a bird, talked well.' - -"I have a theory, which, if you had time, I would illustrate by -half-a-dozen examples taken on glancing round the House, that three -out of five human faces have a strong resemblance to some particular -bird. Not that I mean to say TEMPLE'S like a parrot, except of course -inasmuch as he pleases the fair. He is a man of tireless industry, -sound judgment, wide knowledge of affairs and has, withal, an -old-fashioned courtesy of manner not too common in these days. Still, -as I say, when I watch him addressing the SPEAKER the parrot's epitaph -haunts my memory." - -_Business done._--Clause XIII added to Parish Councils Bill. - -_Tuesday._--To-night DON'T KEIR HARDIE, having left hands and face -unwashed for an extra day, his hair uncombed for an added week, put -on his worst Sunday suit and presented himself to House as model -working-man, champion of the unemployed. DON'T KEIR'S misfortune is -that he has not succeeded in recommending himself to good opinion -of other Labour Members. When he moves in House they move off; -consequence is he is left to support of aristocrats above the gangway. -They don't particularly admire DON'T KEIR, his ways or his cause. But, -as TOMLINSON says, under impression he is quoting from SYDNEY -SMITH, "any stick will do to beat a dog with." If DON'T KEIR moves -Adjournment, and best part of night can be taken for making speeches, -so much delay is interposed in way of Parish Councils Bill, and by so -much is chance bettered of Government failing in their intention of -passing the whole Bill. Therefore, though other Labour candidates will -have nothing to do with DON'T KEIR, there are four hours talk, an odd -quarter of an hour added for a division, and thirty-three Members, -chiefly belonging to the Gentlemen of England, going into Lobby with -the Leader whom ROWLANDS distantly alludes to as "The hon. Member for -West 'Am," cunningly conveying by inflection of voice the impression -that the cut is from a hopelessly inferior part. - -Debate, on the whole, patchy, with hopeless air of unreality about -it. Nevertheless, worth having, if it were only for speech of PRINCE -ARTHUR. A scholarly philosophic deliverance, striking unaccustomed -note in Parliamentary debate. Pity Mr. G. wasn't there to hear it. -Or perhaps it isn't a pity. If he had been, he would have found the -temptation to reply irresistible; at least another half hour would -have been wasted. - -_Business done._--Reached Clause XVI. Parish Councils Bill. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: LIKA JOKO'S JOTTINGS.--No. 6. A FOOTBALL MATCH.] - - * * * * * - -_Thursday._--Spirits of good Ministerialists a little damped by -persistent and successful tactics of Opposition. As JESSE COLLINGS -said just now, with tears in his eyes, they are anxious, above all -things, to see Parish Councils Bill added to Statute Book. Only they -won't let it pass. Twentieth night in Committee; still not half way -through Bill as Clauses count. Been sitting on Saturdays; shall have -Christmas holidays cut down to 25th and Boxing Day; then begin -again, with prospect of more drudgery, and, when Bill through, and -prorogation possible, the new Session of 1894, young, fresh, and -lusty, waiting to be waltzed with. An infant in arms, looking in on -House from peep-hole by glass door, and finding TAY PAY on his legs -denouncing the Opposition, is deeply impressed. - -[Illustration: Tay Pay frightens the Child.] - -Later, at period of apparent collapse HALDANE happily appears on -scene. Not a man habitually prone to enthusiasm. No sign on his placid -visage of storm-swept soul. Circumstances sometimes stronger than man. -To-day they break away the icy barriers of lethargic habit. HALDANE, -unexpectedly rising from behind the harassed PREMIER, calls upon -him to stand firm, resisting all temptations to surrender. "Stage of -situation reached," he said, amid ringing cheers, "when we should -not halt, much less retire, but should press forward to the goal. -Ministers," he added, sternly regarding back of SQUIRE OF MALWOOD'S -head, "would be betraying their trust if they flinched by one hair's -breadth from the declarations they have made." - -His clarion voice cleared air of doubt and perplexity. Ministerialists -elate; Opposition correspondingly cowed; the way quite clear now for -victory; only sit tight; to importunity present imperturbability; let -Opposition once know that, thanks to fidelity and self-sacrifice of -Liberal Members, House will sit till Bill is passed, and obstruction -will collapse. - -HALDANE had saved the citadel; the rout of the besiegers only a matter -of time. - -An hour later WALTER LONG got up and mentioned interesting -circumstance that HALDANE, whilst thus heroically inciting Ministers -and the rest to hold on, had made arrangements whereby he himself -would agreeably spend Christmastide in comfortable country quarters; -had even extended his holiday up to 10th of January, when resumption -of sittings of court would bring him back to town for private -business. Many inquiries on Ministerial benches for HALDANE. Seemed -to be general desire to say something to him. But he had judiciously -retired from scene. - -_Business done._--Another motion for Adjournment. In smaller half -of sitting left for business, Clause XVIII. of Parish Councils Bill -reached. - -_Friday._--Everyone grieved to hear that SPEAKER has temporarily lost -use of voice. Been absent from Chair since Tuesday. "How inscrutable -are the ways of Providence," says the Member for Sark. "There are -so many quarters of the House where the outbreak of such an epidemic -would be a public service. Yet these escape, and only the Chair is -attacked." - -[Illustration: Sir Richard Parrot.] - -The House can ill spare the SPEAKER, even for a day. The whole -atmosphere of the place, the tone of debate, are altered when his -stately presence and commanding influence are withdrawn. Still, talk -must go on, and there has been no lack of it to-night. But everyone -is wearied to death of the monotony and reiteration. As PRINCE ARTHUR -says in a moment of confidence, "If it were the only alternative, one -would rather have a parish funeral than another Parish Councils Bill." - -_Business done._--Nothing worth speaking of. - - * * * * * - -THE COUNTY COUNCIL'S PROGRESSIVE PROGRAMME. - -Rise at seven. Called by public bell rung at the nearest fire-brigade -station. Light gas supplied from the Council's works at Beckton. Drink -glass of cold water from Council's new reservoir in the Kennet Valley. -Hurriedly slip into clothes made by gentlemen working an eight hours -day at not less than sixpence an hour. - -Fish for breakfast bought at Council's Billingsgate Market; eggs from -Council's hens (warranted _very fresh_); also fruit from Covent Garden -sold by Council's salesmen. We keep no servants, being now obliged to -use their wages to pay rates. Compelled to open the front door myself. -Surveyor of Chimneys, acting on instructions (received from sweep), -calls to examine flues. Reports them foul, and notes me in his summons -book. Council's revenue inspector (Inland Revenue absorbed) peeping -through half-opened breakfast-room door, spies what my children call -"a duck on stilts" engraved on a fork. Reports me at once for not -having a license to use armorial bearings. Find in letter-box notice -of compulsory purchase by Council for "allotment purposes" of a choice -piece of land belonging to me just on border of county. Am privately -informed that Radical Labourers' League have moved half-a-dozen -good-for-nothing drunken chaps to apply for allotments! Mine is the -only land that will suit them, and they intend to take it whether I -like it or no. - -Just starting for the City, when Council's Architect calls, to draw my -attention to a sky-sign insufficiently secured to an upper window. It -turned out to be eldest boy's socks, hung there to dry, as we have -now to wash at home, or send to the Council's laundries which are -relief-works for those usually unemployed in winter. Other casuals -have turned barbers. I am shaved by one every morning, after slipping -the coppers into a County Council "detector," which gives no change. -In street, find the pavement up, "unemployed" engaged in moving -"immovable objects by irresistible force," _i.e._, a frozen road, at -three shillings per cube foot; Council their own contractors. Tram -at last, with Council-driver, conductor, and horses (all tramways -absorbed), and then a penny Council steamer (Thames Conservancy and -Steamboat Companies absorbed), and, having landed at St. Paul's Pier, -trip over a hole in the road. Bring action against Council for damaged -ankle. (N.B. Lost it later on. Council not liable for non-reparation -of holes.) - -At the Guildhall, find Labour Arbitration Court sitting. City and -County been amalgamated, huge coalheavers, dockers, and others occupy -seats of city fathers. Police outside useless. Their helmets and -truncheons in British Museum as relics of Barbarous Age. - -Having business at a suburban town I hire cab (Council Number 23,351) -and drive to Liverpool Street. The progressive members have bought up -Great Eastern Railway within the county's boundaries, and are working -it on their own system--one class for all, penny fare, and no return -ticket. The guards, ticket-collectors, porters, and others civil -enough, but no trains running, in consequence of great strike having -occurred amongst Council's engine-drivers and the difficulty is just -being settled by arbitration at Guildhall. The men had struck for -_want_ of work and a general desire for "betterment." Thoughtfully -walked back to the office, and arrived just in time to find an -official poring over my ledger. He hands me his card, "Mr. INQUISITOR, -Spring Gardens." Somerset House being absorbed, he says he "has just -called to ascertain exactly what my income really is," and though I am -perfectly civil (under pains and penalties of "civility bye-laws"), he -tells me I must be "put up" next year. He departs, leaving front door -open. - -Got a cup of tea, very poor staff, at the L. C. C. Restaurant. Walk -home. No gas in streets, and the Electric Light (lately absorbed) gone -out. Reached home very weary. Find on table demand-notes for Poor, -Police, Sewers, School Board, Highways, Gas, Electric Light, Baths, -Sanitary, Insanitary, Asylum, Water, Railway, Cab, Theatre, Market, -Sky Sign, Bar and Gates, Tramway, Prisons, Restaurants, Arbitration, -Establishment, Thames Conservancy, Submerged Tenth, and many other -rates. Is life worth living? Ask the L. C. C. - - * * * * * - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. -105 December 23rd, 1893, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - -***** This file should be named 40635-8.txt or 40635-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/6/3/40635/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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