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diff --git a/40636-0.txt b/40636-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f515eda --- /dev/null +++ b/40636-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2272 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40636 *** + + * * * * * + + Punch, or the London Charivari + + Volume 105, December 30, 1893. + + _edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + * * * * * + + + + +[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF MR. "MINCE-PIE," + +_THE_ M.P. FOR CHRISTMAS.] + + * * * * * + +THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES. + +(_By Cunnin Toil._) + +No. VII.--THE STOLEN MARCH. + +(_Continued._) + +As soon as we entered the drawing-room all the little GUMPSHONS +clapped their hands with delight, and surrounded their Uncle PICKLOCK, +each of them attempting to infer from the expression on the great +detective's countenance what it was that he carried in his left +coat-tail pocket. "I know what it is," said EDGAR ALLAN POE GUMPSHON, +a boy of fifteen; "it's plum-cake. I know it must be, because I never +seed it, so it ain't seed-cake." GABORIAU GUMPSHON, aged thirteen, +opined it was a packet of bull's-eyes, "'cos that's what detectives +always carry on dark nights," whilst ANN RADCLIFFE GUMPSHON declared +with certainty that it must be nuts, for she had just heard a cracker +explode in the street. "Children," said PICKLOCK HOLES, "you are +nearly right. Your powers have much improved. I am delighted to see +that you are kept up to the mark;" and, speaking thus, he produced +from his pocket an apple, which he presented to EDGAR, a pocket-knife +which he handed to the jubilant GABORIAU, and a pincushion, which was +immediately clasped and carried off in the chubby hand of little ANN +RADCLIFFE. "A year ago," said PICKLOCK, turning to me, "these children +could not have reasoned inductively with one half of their present +approximate accuracy; but my dear sister, Heaven bless her! is a +wonderful teacher, the best and cleverest of us all. Indeed, indeed +you are, PHILIPPA," he continued, warmly embracing Mrs. GUMPSHON. "I +am a mere bungler compared to you. But come, let us to business." At +a signal from Lady HOLES the happy children trooped off to bed, and we +elders were left alone. + +Sir AMINADAB opened the conversation. "I sent for you, my dear boy," +he said, "because I have just received from one of my agents in +the North information of an important case which demands immediate +investigation. Neither HAYLOFT nor SKAIRKROW can go, having business +that keeps them in London. I look, therefore, to you to cover the +family name with new lustre by solving this extraordinary mystery." +Here the old man paused, as though overcome by emotion. PICKLOCK +encouraged him with an expressive look, and he continued:-- + +"This morning," he said, "I received from my agent this letter." He +drew a sheet of paper from his breast-pocket, and read, in tremulous +tones, as follows:-- + + "'_Tochtachie Castle, Daffshire._ + +"'SIR,--Lord TOCHTACHIE has been robbed. I overheard him last night +conversing with the Hon. IAN STRUNACHAR, his eldest son, who used the +following words: "Not a doubt of it. They have stolen a march----" +More I could not hear at the moment. The case is of immense +importance, and I trust you will lose no time in sending a competent +investigator. I have, of course, concealed both my presence here and +my knowledge of the theft from his lordship. + + "'Yours faithfully, 'DAVID MCPHIZZLE.'" + +"There, my boy, is the case. Will you go and help a Scotch +representative peer to recover his own? Think how terrible it must +be to lose the march or boundary that separates your ancestral +domain from that of a neighbour whose whole course of life may be +antipathetic to you. Will you go?" + +A wave of emotion passed over my friend's face. I could see that +a struggle of no ordinary kind was raging in his breast. Finally, +however, he looked at me, and his mind, I knew, was made up. In +another ten minutes we had bidden adieu to his family, and were +speeding northwards in the Scotch express. + +Over the details of the journey it is not necessary to linger. Suffice +it to say that on the following morning we arrived at Tochtachie, and +took up our quarters in a deserted barn situated in the very centre of +the estate. From this point we pursued our investigations. Our first +proceeding was to interview the local constabulary, but we found them +as obtuse and as foolishly incredulous as policemen are all the world +over. One of them, indeed, went so far as to hint that HOLES was +"havering," which I understand to be an ancient Gaelic word signifying +metaphysical talk, but a look from the great detective chilled him +into silence. Day by day we worked, and not even the night gave us +a rest from our self-sacrificing labours. We mapped out the whole +district into square yards; we gathered the life-history of every +single inhabitant on the estate; we left no clue untracked, no +loophole unblocked, no single piece of evidence unexamined, no +footstep unmeasured. We collected every scrap of torn letter, every +crumpled telegram-form. The very heather of the moor, and the trees +growing in the policies of the Castle were compelled by HOLES' +marvellous inductive powers to yield to us their secrets, until after +weeks of patient toil we at last judged ourselves to be in possession +not only of the stolen march, but also of evidence that would bring +conviction home to the guilty party. We had paused, I remember, by a +heap of granite at the roadside. HOLES seemed strangely excited. "A +march," I heard him muttering, "is performed by footsteps; steps are +often made of stone. Can this be it? It must be! It is!" Then, with +a shout of triumph, he gave orders to have the heap loaded on to a +country cart, which was to follow us to the Castle. + +We arrived in the great courtyard at about seven o'clock in the +evening. HOLES slipped from my side, entered the house, and after +a few moments returned to my side. We then clanged the bell, and +demanded to see his lordship. In a few moments Lord TOCHTACHIE +appeared, surrounded by kilted retainers, bearing torches, and +intoning in unison the mournful sporan of the clan. It was a weird and +awful sight. But HOLES, unemotional as ever, advanced at once to the +haughty Scotchman, before whose eye half a county was accustomed to +tremble, and, without any ado, addressed him thus: "My Lord, your +march has been stolen. Nay, do not interrupt me. Your guards are +careless, but not criminal--of that I can assure you. Here is the +stolen property; I restore it to you without cost." At this moment +the cart rumbled up, and ere the peer had time to utter a word, it had +discharged its contents into the middle of the yard. HOLES went on, +but in a lower voice, so as to be heard only by Lord TOCHTACHIE: "The +guilty party, my Lord, is your honoured father-in-law. He dare not, +he cannot, deny it. He is, I know, blind and deaf and dumb. These +qualities do not, however, exclude the possibility of crime. I have +just found these pieces of granite in his morning-room. The proof is +complete." + +At this moment a shot was heard in the Castle, and directly afterwards +a frightened butler rushed up to his lordship and whispered to him. +"Ha! say you so?" almost screamed Lord TOCHTACHIE. "That amounts to a +confession. Mr. HOLES," he continued, "you have indeed rendered me a +service. My unfortunate, but guilty father-in-law has shot and missed +himself through the head. But in any ease the honour of the house is, +I know, safe in your hands." + +I need hardly say that HOLES has never violated his lordship's +confidence, and the Daffshire peasants still speculate amongst +themselves upon the tortuous mystery of the march which was stolen and +restored. + + NOTE.--There is no proof positive given by any eye-witness + whose veracity is unimpeachable of the death of the great + amateur detective as it has been described in the _Strand + Magazine_ for this month. _Where is the merry Swiss boy who + delivered the note and disappeared?_ What was the symbolic + meaning of the alpenstock with the hook at the end, left on + the rock? Why, that he had _not_ "taken his hook." PICKLOCK + HOLES has disappeared, but so have a great many other people. + That he will turn up again no student of detective history and + of the annals of crime can possibly doubt. Is it not probable + that he has only dropped out of the _Strand Magazine_? And + is it not equally probable that under some alias he will + re-appear elsewhere? + + _Verb. sap._--ED. + + * * * * * + +FATHER CHRISTMAS leaves his cards on everybody about this time, as he +is here only for one day, and off the next. He has employed Messrs. +MARCUS WARD & CO. to do them, and excellent they are all round. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE OLD ORDER CHANGETH. + + _Lady Betty_ (_proud of the old ancestral mansion where the + family have lived ever since the reign of Henry the Eighth_). + "JUST FANCY WHAT PAPA'S HAVING DONE! HE'S HAVING THE ELECTRIC + LIGHT PUT IN!" + + _Prosaic Sister-in-law_ (_from Chicago_). "I'M REAL GLAD TO + HEAR IT. IT'LL BE THE MAKING OF THE PLACE!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Friday, December 22._--House adjourned for +Christmas Recess; pleased to find that it will include the whole of +Christmas Day. Some talk of being satisfied with the Sunday, spending +Christmas Day in further pursuit of Parish Councils Bill. But after +deliberation decided to have a real good holiday on Christmas Day. +Came across SQUIRE OF MALWOOD just now. Was chalking up on door "Back +in ten minutes." + +"It's a little more than that, of course, TOBY," he said. "But that +has business-like look. Am told it's what they do in the City before +going out for hasty luncheon." + +[Illustration: Toby, M.P., enjoys his holiday.] + +Enjoyed my holiday reading HERBERT MAXWELL'S life of OLD MORALITY +just published by BLACKWOOD. A difficult task; much easier to make +attractive book out of life of NAPOLEON BONAPARTE than with WILLIAM +HENRY SMITH as subject. That MAXWELL has succeeded appears from fact +that one leaves these volumes with warmer esteem and sincerer liking +for OLD MORALITY even than was born of close observation through +many Parliamentary sessions. MAXWELL has had full access to his +correspondence and journals. Uses them with great discretion; they +bring into mellow, clear light the capable, unselfish, courageous man, +ever following the loadstar of Duty. House of Commons used to smile +when OLD MORALITY, faced by any difficulty or dilemma, talked about +his "duty to his QUEEN and country." In his private letters he does +not put it in that oratorical form. But they are full of references +to the calls of duty. Stricken with a painful malady, worn in body and +wounded in spirit, OLD MORALITY still sturdily trod the narrow path. +There is little doubt that had he, two years before the end came, +retired from the Leadership of the House of Commons his genial +presence might have been with us to-day. But he was wanted at his +post, and he stuck to it. + +Writing on the 17th March, 1889, he says: "We have trouble in +politics, and I am very weary. But I must go on doing my daily work as +best I can, looking for guidance and wisdom where alone it can be had +until my rest comes." This cry for rest was always sounding, through +day and night. A few weeks earlier he wrote to another friend: "I can +say God help me. He will take me out of my work when I am no longer +required, and then will come rest." + +[Illustration: The last I saw of Harcourt.] + +His last appearance in a semi-official capacity was in July, 1891, +when he went to Hatfield to meet the German Emperor. In the last +letter written to his wife he says, "Observing I looked tired last +night, Lady SALISBURY urged me to go to bed early: which I did." One +of his colleagues in the Cabinet, a fellow-guest at Hatfield on this +occasion, tells me he had occasion to know that OLD MORALITY was +in such pain he could not rest in his bed, spending the long night +walking about the room, with occasional rest in an arm-chair. Not +a word of this is written in the letter to Mrs. SMITH, in which he +reports that "everything has gone off wonderfully well to-day, which +must be very satisfactory to the Salisburys." Under his bourgeois +habit and unassuming manner W. H. SMITH modestly hid a chivalrous +mind and a noble nature. He had a kindly heart, too. But everyone knew +that, since he wore it on his sleeve. + +_Business done._--Adjourned for so-called Christmas holidays. Think +I'll go and call on Lobengula. "Back in ten minutes," as the SQUIRE +says. + + * * * * * + +EDEPOL! + +SIR,--"I'm all the way from Westminster," and the work I have to do +is to let you know about the Latin play performed there. PLAUTUS, +in truth, is not a wildly exciting writer, and there is in the +_Trinummus_ a tameness which, extending, as it does, through five +acts, becomes almost oppressive at the end. The young actors looked +well and enunciated clearly, and one of them, Mr. J. F. WATERS, showed +considerable ability as an actor. But we don't go to the College +of St. Peter at Westminster merely to see the play. There are other +interests. It is pleasant to watch the Old Westminsters rubbing +recollections with one another between the acts, and endeavouring +gallantly during the performance to keep their rusty Latin abreast of +the various situations. Laughter in a Latin play straggles. It is like +a dropping fire of musketry. A Westminster master probably leads +it off; various intelligent veterans take it up dutifully, and the +ladies, bless their unlatinised minds, follow faintly towards the +end. If a London manager wants applause in his theatre let him hire a +contingent of small Westminster boys. They have attained to absolute +perfection in the arts of the _claque_. At no Paris Theatre is it +better done. The epilogue showed a pretty wit and a high degree of +skill in the management of hexameter and pentameter. No one could have +believed that the Kodak advertisement, "you press the button, we do +the rest," would have made so good a Latin line. Much pleased, and so +to bed. + + Yours, A VAGRANT. + + * * * * * + +"A MERE QUESTION OF TIME."--_Example:_ "What o'clock is it?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: OUR "HOUSE PARTY" AT CHRISTMAS.] + + * * * * * + +NEW YEAR'S EVE AT LATTERDAY HALL. + +(_An Incident._) + +SCENE I.--_Library in Latterday Hall_, Sir LYON TAYMER'S _Country +House_. Sir LYON TAYMER _discovered fuming by the mantelpiece, while +his_ Secretary _is glancing over some correspondence_. + +_Sir Lyon_ (_irritably_). Here--I suppose you will have to answer +this. + +_Secretary._ What is that, Sir LYON? + +_Sir Lyon._ You know how anxious I am that my New Year's party +should be a success. A whole heap of celebrities are coming, and, +notwithstanding the immense expense, I engaged a party of Ghosts to +amuse them. Now I have just had a telepathic communication from these +Shadows of Shades--(that's all they are--only Ghosts of departed +heroes and heroines in fiction)--asking whether they're to be treated +on an equality with the other guests, or as mere entertainers! Did you +ever hear of such impertinence! The spokesman--I should say, perhaps, +the Spooksman--is, of all people in the other world, the VICAR OF +WAKEFIELD. A clergyman too! It's quite inconsistent; and so snobbish! + +_Secretary._ Dear Sir LYON, excuse me, but it's perfectly natural that +Ghosts should be a little sensitive on the social question. Remember, +for years they were ignored, or looked upon as mountebanks. It is +really only of late that there has been all this excitement about +them, so it is not surprising they are anxious to be taken seriously. + +_Sir Lyon._ Well, I suppose I am old-fashioned, but it seems to me +quite ridiculous. These infernal Ghosts give themselves as many airs +as though they were--the Blue Hungarians, at least. + +_Secretary._ Ah, from a band we might expect airs. But I should advise +you very strongly, Sir _Lyon_, to treat them as friends. You _must_ be +up to date. + +_Sir Lyon_ (_with disgust_). Allow them to dine--perhaps to +_dance_--with my guests? + +_Secretary_ (_with calmness_). Certainly they will have to dine; and, +as to dancing, of course they _must_, if they're received on an equal +_footing_. + + [_Smiles to himself at his joke._ + +_Sir Lyon._ Oh--well--I suppose I must give in. Let them know at once, +and for heaven's sake mind they're punctual. + + [_Scene closes as the Secretary hastily seizes a slate, + and automatically writes to the Ghosts a very cordial and + courteously-worded invitation._ + +[Illustration: Dorian Gray taking Juliet in to dinner.] + +SCENE II.--_New Year's Eve at Latterday Hall. In the magnificent +dining-room are seated at dinner a large, well-known, and incongruous +company. The Ghosts are chatting away in the most genial manner +with the living distinguished people, and positively making the +"celebrities" quite "at home."_ DANIEL DERONDA _shows a marked liking +for_ DODO, _whom he has taken to dinner, and is indulging in a light +and airy flirtation with her, which takes a form peculiar to himself_. + +_Daniel Deronda_ (_earnestly_). Who has ever pinched into its pilulous +smallness the cobweb of matrimonial duty? Honesty is surely the +broadest basis of joy in life. + +_Dodo_ (_a modern Detail in accordion pleating, subject to morbid fits +of irrelevant skirt-dancing_). Oh, Mr. DERONDA, what a silly girl I +am! I can't bear that proverb about "Honesty being the best policy." +It sounds like a sort of life Insurance. + + [_Giggles contemporarily._ DORIAN GRAY _having taken_ JULIET + _to dinner, and not getting on with her very well, is staring + with unfeigned horror at_ ROCHESTER, _opposite, who is + bullying_ JANE EYRE _to a pitiable extent. Behind him is a + screen of gilt Spanish leather, wrought with a rather florid + Louis Seize design and encrusted with pearls, moonstones, and + large green emeralds_. + +_Dorian_ (_aside, to_ Young Subaltern, _who has come Home. On leave. +For Christmas_). Who _is_ that dreadful man? + +_Young Subaltern._ Who? Old ROCHESTER? Oh, he's a Plain Hero. From the +past. He's all right. How well you're looking! Younger than ever, by +Jove! Which is curious. But why that absurd buttonhole? + +_Dorian_ (_hurt_). You never like anything I wear. You Anglo-Indians +are corrupt without being charming. This is a fault. + + [_Arranges his fringe in an old Dutch-silver mirror on the + opposite mantelpiece, framed in curiously-carved ivory Cupids, + and studded with precious stones, chiefly opals, sapphires, + and chrysoberyls._ + +_Ethel Newcome_ (_to_ Secretary). Who are those two pretty American +girls? They seem to be attracting a great deal of attention. (_I_ am +completely forgotten, I notice.) Do their dresses come from Paris? + +_Secretary._ No. I think not, dear Miss NEWCOME. From Messrs. HOWELLS +AND JAMES, I fancy. + +_Richard Feverel_ (_cheerily, across the table to_ Mr. PICKWICK). +In tolerance of some dithyrambic inebriety--quiverings of +semi-narration--we seem to be entering the circle of a most magnetic +pseudo-polarity. Don't we? + +_Mr. Pickwick_ (_puzzled_). Very kind of you to say so, I'm sure. May +I have the pleasure of taking wine with you? + + [_Dinner proceeds with animation._ BOOTLES' Baby, Little JIM, + PAUL DOMBEY, _and the_ Heavenly Twins _come in to dessert, and + are more or less troublesome_. + +_Sir Lyon_ (_aside, to_ Secretary, _when the ladies have retired_). +I say, you know I am afraid this is going to hang fire. It's nothing +less than a miracle for a social affair to go off well when the people +are not in the same set. Old PICKWICK's been asking for "a wassail +bowl." I haven't got such a thing about me; and I should have thought +'74 champagne would have been good enough, but he says it's like our +humour--_too new_! The children are bothering to know why there isn't +a Christmas-tree. + +_Secretary._ Tell them to go to the--Haymarket. The reward will +be--swift. Might I suggest mistletoe? I should be very pleased to go +under it with Madame BOVARY, just to show the others how to---- + +_Sir Lyon_ (_stiffly_). Much obliged, but I will not give you that +trouble. If _anyone_ goes under the mistletoe with Madame BOVARY it +will be myself. Remember that. + +_Secretary._ Oh, certainly! I merely meant----How about +crackers? I could set the thing going by pulling one with Miss OLIVIA. +The old Vicar said just now, in his pointed, Gothic way, something +about times having changed, and---- + +_Sir Lyon._ Yes, we'll have crackers, but you can leave _me_ to pull +the first one with Miss OLIVIA. It would look better. Perhaps we'd +better let the Ghosts give their entertainment now--eh? + +_Secretary._ I'll arrange it at once. + +SCENE III.--_In the Hall, in which is a temporary theatre; all the +Modern Celebrities are seated on rows of chairs, chattering, flirting, +and discussing Insomnia and the New Criticism. Behind the scenes the +Ghosts are disputing as to which shall recite first, the order of +precedence depending entirely on the question as to which is the most +completely defunct. Finally_, ERNEST MALTRAVERS _and_ TOM JONES _go on +together, and the Curtain goes up_. + +_Ernest Maltravers_ (_musingly, in a low yet ringing voice, in which +Pride struggles with Emotion_). Let us learn, from yon dinner-table, +o'er which brooded the spirits of the Novelists of all time, to lift +ourselves on the wings of Romanticism back to Bombastic and Primeval +Prose. (_Breaks off suddenly. Aside, to_ TOM JONES.) I cannot go on +like this. We ought to have had a _scenario_. + +_Tom Jones_ (_suppressing laughter, aside_). Why, thou foolish +scoundrel, is there not one in front? How else could be seated there +so many fair ladies and gallant gentlemen? + +_Ernest Maltravers_ (_aside_). In the contemplation of your idiocy, I +curb with difficulty the impulse that leads me to crush the life from +your bosom. Know, Ignorant One, that a _scenario_ is not the same +thing as an auditorium. + + [TOM JONES _is about to attack him with fine old English + violence, when the curtain suddenly falls. The entertainment + is interrupted. The audience appear at once amused and + shocked._ DORIAN_ takes out his little vinaigrette exquisitely + set with turquoises, cymophanes, amethysts, and tourmalines, + and offers it to the_ Subaltern, _who, evidently unaware of + its use, pockets it._ + +_Subaltern._ You got that out of a cracker, didn't you? I'll take it +Home. For the kids. + + [_The entr'acte is growing so prolonged that the_ Secretary + _goes behind the scenes to know the cause of the delay. He + finds all confusion. The party has been increased by the + presence of_ Mr. STEAD'S Spook JULIA, _who, having half an + hour to spare, has come to protest against the "indignity" + as she calls it, of fine old crusted Ghosts being expected to + perform to a lot of mere modern myths. She speaks with such + eloquence that she persuades them, one and all, to leave + without finishing their performance and entirely without + ceremony. Nothing the_ Secretary _can say has any effect, and + they all vanish, leaving "not a wrack behind," except, a slate + pencil JULIA has dropped in her excitement_. + +_Sir Lyon_ (_after hearing the news_). Shameful! Never again will I +have a Ghost in this house. This is what comes of treating them as +equals! I'll--I'll--I'll write to the Psychical Society! + + [_Scene closes as all the guests crowd round him and ask him + to drink the health of Modern Fiction and--The New Year._ + + * * * * * + +MAY AND DECEMBER. + +[Brighton is now represented by two of the youngest members in the +House.... Mr. GLADSTONE intends to spend Christmas at Brighton.] + + Just now, when the weather seems May in December, + They've sent up from Brighton another young member, + Two juvenile gentlemen sit for the town, + Their ages united just two-thirds would be + Of that of the statesman who often goes down + To seek renewed youth by the murmuring sea-- + Mr. G. + + Two Tories--meek May fighting sturdy December + Their foe is an old hand these lads should remember. + They'll probably sit most judiciously dumb, + Or only object like the murmuring sea. + To the House, sent from Brighton, the youngest have come; + From the House, down at Brighton, the oldest will be-- + Mr. G. + + * * * * * + +A SEASONABLE VADE MECUM. + +(_By Ker Mudgeon, Senior._) + +_Question._ What is the most satisfactory motto for Christmas? + +_Answer._ That it "comes but once a year." + +_Q._ Then it is as well to take a gloomy view of the season? + +_A._ That is the only reasonable aspect in the face of a pile of +"Christmas bills." + +_Q._ What are Christmas cards? + +_A._ Advertisements of existence sent to enemies as well as friends. + +_Q._ What is a plum pudding? + +_A._ Indigestion in the concrete. + +_Q._ And a mince pie? + +_A._ An excuse for a glass of brandy or a glass of any other equally +potent liquid. + +_Q._ Does old-fashioned English Christmas fare benefit anyone? + +_A._ Yes; doctors and chemists. + +_Q._ Why does an elderly person go the pantomime? + +_A._ Because he likes it just as much as a schoolboy. + +_Q._ What reason does he give for his visits to Drury Lane, the +Lyceum, or the Crystal Palace? + +_A._ That he visits those places of entertainment for the sake of the +children. + +_Q._ But if he is an old bachelor? + +_A._ He declares that he likes to see the delight of other people's +children. + +_Q._ What is the _spécialité_ of a Christmas family party? + +_A._ Row all round. + +_Q._ What are the regulation wishes of Yule-tide? + +_A._ A Happy Christmas and a Prosperous New Year. + +_Q._ And the probable result? + +_A._ The attainment of neither. + + * * * * * + +CROSSED IN LOVE.--A wedding-present cheque. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: FINAL ORDERS. + +_Keeper (to Boy out for his first day's driving)._ "MIND AND SPREAD +YERSELF OUT!"] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +"Sir," said a wisely deferential friend of the Baron's, approaching +the Baronial arm-chair wherein sat His Super-Excellency regaling +himself in truly Regal-Cole-ian fashion, "Sir, I present to your +notice a book entitled _In Search of a Climate_." "With such a title," +quoth the Baron, in poetic humour, "it should have been dedicated +to His Grace of Canterbury. Would not this distich well favour the +title-page? Listen:-- + + "'In Search of a Climate,' | From CHARLES B. NOTTAGE, + This to the Primate! | Who lives in a cottage." + +"W. A.," or "The Wisely Appreciative," went into wisely appreciative +ecstasies. "Baron," he presently resumed, "you will be graciously +pleased to read it." "I will recline on my sofa," returned the +Baron, "and, in that position, do my level best." So saying, His +Super-Excellency suited the action to the word, and, waving his hand +in token that he was not to be disturbed for the space of some forty +winks or more, he bent his head in silent study o'er the somewhat +bulky volume. "One of the most interesting and instructive chapters in +this excellently elaborated book of reference," said the Baron, some +time afterwards--"a book full of 'wise saws and modern instances'--is +that headed 'Religion and Rum,' whence it appears that, whatever +form of worship the Natives from time to time might adopt, it always +included the cult of spirits in some form or other. The title of this +chapter," observed the Baron, judicially, "instead of 'Religion +and Rum,' should rather have been 'Rum Religions, or Spirituous +Influences.' Towards the close of the book the author still seems to +be _In Search of a Climate_. But what sort of a climate does he seek? +One to suit everybody? Why, like the distinguished individual who was +'terribly disappointed with the Atlantic,' there are people, quoted +as testimony above proof by Mr. NOTTAGE, of the Cottage, who were +'all terribly disappointed with the climate of Santa Barbara and Los +Angeles.' Well, then," quoth the Baron, "try Margate and Ramsgate." +The book, attractively got up, is published by the firm whose name +always recalls to the Baron's verse-atile mind that delightful poem +set to dulcet music yclept "_Soft and Low, Soft and Low_," only that +the names are SAMP-SON Low, Low & Co., which, set to the same strain, +will "do as well." "And," quoth the Baron, suddenly inspired, "what a +series of songs for Publishers and Bookbinders might be written! For +example, _'My Mother bids me bind my books!' 'I am inter-leaving +thee in sorrow.' Cum multis aliis suggestionibus!_ But this is +_délassement_. Let our toast be, 'Our noble Shelves!'--'our noble +Book-shelves!'" explains the Baron, gaily; and so back to the Brown +Study where, as Baron BROWN BEARD, he disposes of the various heads +in his department, and signs himself, THE JUST AND GENEROUS BARON DE +BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +MRS. RAM says no wonder people are blown out at Christmas, as they do +fill themselves with so many "combustibles." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "SCENES OF CLERICAL LIFE." + +(_A Meeting of the Church of England Temperance Society. The Vote of +Thanks to the Chairman_.) + +"AND, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET ME POINT OUT TO YOU, IN THESE DAYS +WHERE THE ACTIVITY OF THE CHURCH IS SO OFTEN CALLED INTO QUESTION, +THAT OUR REVERED DIOCESAN COULD NEVER BE CALLED AN '_ORNAMENTAL +BISHOP'_!"] + + * * * * * + +"THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT." + +(_Passages from a Political "Christmas Carol" of the Period +descriptive of a slumbering Stateman's Yule-Tide Dream._) + + +Awaking in the middle of a prodigiously sonorous snore, and sitting up +on what seemed to be a nightmare-like blend of the Treasury Bench and +his own bed, to get his thoughts together, SADSTONE (like _Scrooge_) +had no occasion to be told that Big Ben was again upon the stroke of +Twelve. + +Now, being prepared for almost anything--from J-SS-E C-LL-NGS to +a Vote of Censure--he was not by any means prepared for Nothing! +Consequently, when the bell boomed its twelfth stroke, and nothing +appeared, or happened--not even a nightmare in the shape of T-MMY +B-WL-S, or a Motion for Adjournment--he was taken with a fit of the +shivers. + +At last he began to think that the source and centre of the ghostly +light which seemed to gleam on him from nowhere in particular, might +be in the adjoining room, his own private Downing Street _sanctum_. +Thence indeed, on further tracing it, it seemed to shine. This idea +taking full possession of his mind, he got up softly, and shuffled in +his slippers to the door. + +The moment SADSTONE'S hand was on the lock, a strange voice called him +by his name, and bade him enter. He obeyed. + +It was his own room. There was no doubt about that. But it had +undergone a surprising transformation. The walls and ceiling were +so hung with shamrock green and shillelagh branches that it looked +a perfect Grove of Blarney. A lurid blaze, like a blue-tongued +snapdragon flare, went hissing up the chimney, revealing in weird +glimpses on the heated hearth and chimney tiles spectral figures of +impish design and menacing gesture. Heaped up on the floor, to form a +kind of throne, were Blue Books, abortive Bills, scrolls on which +were inscribed endless questions and unnumbered amendments; bundles of +party papers and political pamphlets; pallid sucking-pigs that seemed +to demand rather opportune interment than human digestion; long +wreaths of sausage-like shackles; resurrection pies of indigestible +crust and full of offal scraps and tainted "block ornaments"; +pudding-shaped bombs; barrels of explosives and fulminants; red hot +(political) "chestnuts" of the most hackneyed partisan sort; Dead-Sea +apples of the dustiest kind, savouring of sand and strife; fiery +looking Ulster oranges; belated (parliamentary) pairs, and seething +bowls of raw and vitriolic party spirit, that made the chamber dim, +dank, and malodorous with their heady steam. In uneasy state upon this +extraordinary conglomerate couch or throne, there sat an ogreish giant +of pantomimic size and bogeyishly menacing expression, portentous to +see; who bore a smokily-flaring torch, in shape not unlike an Anarch's +beacon or Fury's bale-fire, and held it up, high up, to shed its lurid +light on SADSTONE, as he came peeping round the door. + +"Come in!" exclaimed the Ghoul-Ghost. "Come in, and know me better, +(G. O.) Man!" + +SADSTONE entered timidly, and hung his head before the Spirit. He was +hardly the dogged SADSTONE he had been, and the Spirit's eyes were so +glowering and ungenial, he did not like to meet them. + +"I am the Spirit of Christmas Present," said the apparition. "Look +upon me!" + +SADSTONE sorrowfully did so. It was clothed in one simple +emerald-green robe or mantle, bordered with buff fur of the dull +tint dear to the old Scotch Whig. This garment hung so loosely on +the figure that its capacious breast was bare, as if disdaining to +be warded or concealed by any artifice. On its head it wore no other +covering than a wreath of shamrock, set here and there with a thistle. +Its dull black curls were long and elf-like and weird; weird as its +frowning face, its staring eye, its clenched hand, its raucous voice, +its despotic demeanour, and its gloomy air. Girded round its middle +was an antique scabbard, holding a huge two-handed sword; the +blade, ready to leap from its sheath, seemed a most unsuitable and +unseasonable adjunct to what mankind has been wont to regard as the +gentle and genial Spirit of Peace and Goodwill. + +"You have never seen the like of _Me_ before!" exclaimed the Spirit. + +"_Ne-e-ver!_" SADSTONE made answer to it, in accents stammering +somewhat, yet most emphatic. + +[Illustration: THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT. + +(_Suggested by John Leech's Picture._) + +"COME IN, AND KNOW ME BETTER, (G. O.) MAN!"] + + * * * * * + +DISTORTED MERCY. + +[Illustration: IT] _is New Year's Eve. In a comfortable arm-chair +by the fire sits the_ Metropolitan Magistrate. _He smiles in +self-complacency. He speaks:--_ + +This year I have most faithfully fulfilled my duty; the spirit of +sweet leniency has marked my every sentence--at least toward the more +flagitious and inhuman offender. Thus have I, in place of punishing, +won over to more virtuous ways; so may I doze the cheerful, +self-admiring doze of virtue. + + [_He dozes. Gathering from the comfortable reflections of the + fire and lamp thrown from the polished furniture, a radiant + form shapes itself at his elbow. The_ Magistrate _smiles in + his sleep, in great content_. + +_The Metropolitan Magistrate._ Who art thou, visitant? + +_The Form._ I am the Spirit of thy Leniency. I come to show thee +how fair and flattering a result thy milder sentences--to wit, those +passed upon the more outrageous culprits--have yielded. See! (_Waves +a wand._) This is he who came before thy judgment seat for--after +repeated warning--selling milk from premises teeming with scarlet +fever. Thou didst say, "_It is the grossest, and most shocking case +of brutal disregard for human life I ever heard!_" and thereupon didst +fine him half-a-crown--the minimum penalty. + +_M. Mag._ (_with affectionate interest_). And since? How farest now, +thou naughty one? + +_Milk Criminal._ O most blessed Magistrate and sweet Your Worship, I +fare most happily; for, most comfortably encouraged by your gracious +leniency, I did redouble--nay, multiply an hundred times--mine efforts +to disseminate disease; so that I may, without undue boasting, claim +to be father of an epidemic that felled its hundreds. And further, in +the doing of this I have heaped up a most goodly pile of gold. Give me +your blessing, most sympathetic Your Worship! + +_M. Mag._ (_recoiling_). Nay; mine intentions looked not toward so +dire result! I cannot bless---- + +_The Spirit._ How, good Stipendiary? Dost thou now disown me, thine +own Spirit? Thou must surely bless thy _protégé_, him who but carries +out thy methods to their logical result! And see, I summon others of +thy choice; this good butcher who hath sent unwholesome meat to +London to feed the poor. Thou didst say of him, "_A most inhuman, +ill-conditioned knave and rascal; a constructive homicide! I will not +imprison him, but fine him seven shillings._" And again, see this good +rough who kicked a constable nearly to death; thou saidst of him, "_A +miscreant unfit to live. A savage worse than any tiger! One shilling +fine._" Then finding he could not pay without foregoing his accustomed +gin, thy heart relented, and thou didst discharge him. Then again, +here have we this fair hawker who kicked his donkey's legs and so +belaboured him with cudgels that he left no bone unbroken; thou +saidst of him, "_An act more horrible and sickening could scarce be +perpetrated by a fiend!_" Then, with a gentle caution, thou didst set +him free. + +_M. Mag._ But tell me, prithee, what the outcome was of these my +leniences. Did results not justify----? + +_The Butcher._ Oh, yes, indeed, in my case! Taking courage, seeing +that justice was so linked with mercy, I did extend most energetically +my little venture in unwholesome meat, and now am rich, and have been +made a lord. + +_The Rough._ And since your clemency, O sweet your Worship, I've +kicked to death some dozens of assorted victims--policemen, girls, and +infants. + +_The Hawker._ And I---- + +_M. Mag._ (_writhing_). Oh, peace, and spare me! Get ye gone! + +_The Criminals._ What? This is passing strange! You will not bless the +work yourself have fostered? + +_M. Mag._ (_tearing his hair_). _I_ fostered? _I_, the gentle +magistrate, the soul of clemency----? + +_The Spirit._ Come, bless thy chosen clients! + + [_With a shriek the_ Metropolitan Magistrate _awakes from + his doze. He is haggard; his eye is bloodshot with horror. He + speaks, shuddering:--_ + +What are these hideous crimes that I have done, mistaking them for +mercy? How unworthy am I to touch so sweet an attribute, distorting +and most basely turning it from its appointed course! There chime the +bells. Let them proclaim how, in the coming year they usher in, I +will essay to win this fair, sweet attribute entrusted to me, and so +misshapen by my cruelties, back to her rightful form! I will begin by +showing mercy unto Mercy's self. + + * * * * * + +A STUDY IN BROWN. + + I've caught you, hazel-eyed brunette, day-dreaming, chin on hand! + Don't think, now, that my stolen sketch is bold and contraband! + Nay, rather, 'tis the _duty_ that's imposed on ev'ry beauty, + To grant that with respectful glance her profile may be scanned. + + To picture such a wealth of brown would VANDYCK'S self delight; + Brown eyes I see, and waving hair, brown as a summer night. + _I_ cannot do you justice, but this thumb-nail sketch, I trust, is + A deep brown-study rendered into simple black and white. + + In reverie reflective, has your wayward fancy strayed, + It may be, to last summer's tryst in some wild English glade, + Or old-world forest-garden, where, like _Rosalind_ in Arden, + Your troth you plighted, or, love-lorn, outmourned the Nut-brown Maid? + + [Illustration] + + You're wand'ring in Mahatma-land, and counting astral sheep? + And gathering wool that never grew, a Brownie-led _Bo-peep_, + Or, possibly, pursuant of an Ego playing truant. + And lost amid the labyrinth of dim hypnotic sleep? + + For all I know, you're musing in this meditative trance + On modern and sublunar joys, as dinner, dress, and dance! + Or is it _toothache_ merely that--well, makes you stare so queerly? + (Somehow I ne'er _can_ draw the line 'twixt bathos and romance!) + + If thus I seem inquisitive, don't kill me with a frown! + Though times are hard, in vulgar phrase, I'll plank my money down! + Your train of thought to share (if you'll accept a penny-tariff), + I tender, with my compliments, the coin that's called a "brown"! + + * * * * * + +PRODIGIOUS! + +TO MR. PUNCH,--Sir,--I appeal to you. Ought scientific papers to be +allowed to publish incitements to bloodshed and anarchy? I have just +read in one an enthusiastic commendation of "an agitator working at +280 revolutions per minute." This agitator is, it appears, closely +connected with an "annihilator." It is true that the annihilator is a +smoke-annihilator, and the agitator is part of its machinery; but who +knows what influence may be exerted upon weak minds at such a time as +this by the use of these awful terms? Is the Home Secretary asleep? + + Yours, + A PATRIOT. + + * * * * * + +MYSTERIOUS.--In _Sala's Journal_ for December 13 the advertisement of +the Christmas Number announces that "arrangements have been made for +publishing the Portraits of the Contributors at the commencement of +their respective articles. This, it is believed, will prove a very +interesting feature." No doubt. But _which_ "feature," and _whose_ +"feature," and to which contributor will "the very interesting +feature" in the portrait belong? They cannot surely have only one +feature among them! Among the special contributors, each of course +with distinctive features, are Sir AUGUSTUS HARRIS, Mr. SUTHERLAND +EDWARDS, Mr. ARTHUR À BECKETT, and Mr. DAVENPORT ADAMS. Excellent +company each, with most interesting features. But which feature is to +be taken as representing the lot? "Nose?" Well, there's point in that. +"Cheek?" Ahem! Will it be "All their eye?" Evidently the only way +of satisfying curiosity is to purchase a copy of _S. J.'s_ Christmas +Number. + + * * * * * + +SEASONABLE RIDDLE.--When does a turkey look a goose?--When quite by +himself he has to face a party of twenty-four. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INHUMAN. + +_Sportsman_ (_who has caught Brown's mare_). "NOW THEN! THIS WAY OUT, +SIR, THIS WAY OUT!" _Brown_ (_who has already swallowed about a quart +of mud and water_). "B--B--BUT IT'S DEEP!" _Sportsman_ (_impatient_). +"CONFOUND IT, MAN! DO YOU EXPECT ME TO FETCH A BOAT?"] + + +CHRISTMAS HAMPERS. + +_For the Czar._--Alliances--French and Triple. + +_For the Kaiser._--"The Great Revenge." + +_For the King of Italy._--The Military Estimates. + +_For the King of Greece._--The Adjustment of the National Revenue. + +_For the President of the French Republic._--The Legacy of CARNOT the +First. + +_For the President of the United States._--Protected Free Trade. + +_For the Sultan._--The Khedive. + +_For the Khedive._--The Sultan. + +_For the Premier._--His followers. + +_For the Foreign Secretary._--His colleagues. + +_For the Chancellor of the Exchequer._--The coming Budget. + +_For the Home Secretary._--Trafalgar Square. + +_For the Colonial Secretary._--South Africa. + +_For the Postmaster-General._--Cards for Christmas and the New Year. + +_For the War Office._--The Admiralty. + +_For the Admiralty._--The War Office. + +_For the Theatre-Managers._--The Clerk of the Weather. + +_For the Music-Hall Proprietors._--The London County Council. + +_For the London Public._--The Paving Contractors. + +_For the Bar._--The Solicitors. + +_For the Solicitors._--Reluctant Litigants. + +_For the Stockbrokers._--The State of the City. + +_For the Poor._--The Condition of the Money Market. + +_And for the World in general and Britons in particular._--The +Influenza. + + * * * * * + +THE KISS THAT COSTS. + + [A fair plaintiff, who brought a breach of promise action + worth under ordinary circumstances at least £1000, had to be + content with £100 because she had in the meantime been kissed + by a new suitor.] + + The gorse is out in kissing time, + And that is always--so the saw. + But know from henceforth (and this rhyme) + This does not follow in the Law. + For she, who, jilted by her swain, + Brings him to Court, and braves the laughter, + Must--if she longs for gold--refrain + From kissing Number Two--till after! + + * * * * * + +A Little Girl's Christmas Story. + + Polly! | Folly! + Holly! | (Gobbles!) + Jolly! | Colly + Dolly! | (Wobbles!) + + * * * * * + +OUR BARTERERS.--SIDEBOARD.--I have a magnificent-looking article, made +of unseasoned deal, coloured to resemble walnut. As great care has +been taken to imitate a really first-class piece of furniture by a +good maker, it is hoped that the fact that the wood is certain to +split and warp, that the drawers jam, that the keyholes are dummies, +and that the whole is a piece of cunning shoddy, will escape the +attention of the average purchasing idiot. What offers? + + * * * * * + +TO PICKWICKIAN STUDENTS.--Of what class of persons is it recorded in +_Pickwick_ that "their looks are not prepossessing and their manners +are peculiar"? + + * * * * * + +THE CRY OF THE CIVIC TURTLE. + + 'Twas the voice of the Turtle, I heard him complain, + "You would wake me! Be off!! Let me slumber again! + Your 'Royal Commission on Unification' + Be ----!" something that seemed to convey commination. + "_I_ shan't 'tender evidence'--hang it, not I!-- + Why I, as a separate body, should die! + I've power, prosperity, plumpness, and pelf; + If you want an 'Amalgam'--why, mix it yourself!" + + * * * * * + +Feminine Saturnalia. + + [Miss KLUMPKE has just achieved a great triumph with a learned + treatise on the Rings of Saturn.] + + Oh! maiden, learned, wise, you can + To froward woman prove a pattern, + You pay your due respect to Man + By writing up the Rings--of Saturn! + + * * * * * + +NEW PRANDIAL PROVERBS.--What's underdone can't be helped. A bird in a +pie is worth two in a dish. Apollinaris (or any other) water in time +saves wine. The early guest gets it hot. It is never too late to dine. + + * * * * * + +A TRUTH IN SEASON.--What would Christmas be without the Cracker? +Messrs. G. SPARAGNAPANE have their reply ready with their "Cracker +Skirt-Dancer" and their "May Blossom" (so nice in December), which is +a pleasant souvenir of _The_ Wedding. Of course, all these crackers +will "go off" well! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: INDEX] + + ADAPTED, 64 + + Ad Fratrem, 3 + + Adventures of Picklock Holes (The), 69, 76, 85, 100, 168, 213, 289, + 301 + + Advertiser's Appeal, 270 + + Afternoon Party (An), 13 + + "After the Ball" in Paris, 297 + + After the Call, 243 + + Alexander and Diogenes, 162 + + Anacreontics for All, 273 + + Angels, 186 + + Another Scene at the Play, 64 + + Argentina, 226 + + Arriet on Labour, 88 + + "Art of 'Savoy Fare'" (The), 204 + + At Covent Garden last Thursday, 37 + + At the Sea-Side Church Parade, 73 + + At the Shaftesbury, 123 + + At the World's Water-Show, 40 + + Australian A B C (An), 57 + + Australia the (without) Golden, 94 + + BABES on the Treasury Bench (The), 255 + + Balfour's Boon, 101 + + Ballad (A), 262 + + "Ballade Joyeuse," 106 + + Ballade of Earlscourt, 57 + + Ballade of Lost Repartees, 142 + + Ballad of Departed Pippins (The), 41 + + Ball versus Ball, 297 + + Bank Holiday Beauty, 292 + + Behemoth and the Lion, 182 + + Belfry of Bruges Overlooked (The), 274 + + Bicycle built for Two (A), 258 + + Birds of Pray, 219 + + Bishop Bobadil, 166 + + Bitter Cry of the Broken-Voiced Chorister, 37 + + Black Shadow (The), 210 + + Blue Belles of Scotland (The), 298 + + Bobo, 178 + + Bogus Manager's Vade Mecum (The), 237 + + "Book that Failed" (The), 123 + + Brick-à-Brac, 195 + + Bright and Beautiful Working Man, 192 + + British Athletes Vade Mecum (The), 82 + + Brown Study in Autumn Tints (A), 109 + + Burden of Burdon Sanderson, 142 + + Business, 246 + + "But that's another Story," 225 + + CABMAN'S Guide to Politeness, 209, 225 + + Carr-Actors at "The Comedy," 185 + + Cause and Effect, 245 + + Central Hall of the Law Courts (The), 217 + + Champion Shaver (The), 282 + + Chance for the Briefless (A), 274 + + Change of Partners (A), 279 + + Christmas Hampers, 310 + + City Horse (The), 190 + + Closure at Home (The), 61 + + Coal and Wood, 257 + + Cockney on a Great Collection (A), 252 + + Connected with the Press, 77 + + Conversation-Book for Candidates, 258 + + Conversion à la Mode, 121 + + Cophetua, L.C.C., 113 + + County Council's Progressive Programme (The), 300 + + Cream of the Cream, 219 + + Cricket across the Channel, 61 + + Cricket Congratulations, 70 + + Croquet, 87 + + Crowning the Edifice, 153 + + Cry of the Civic Turtle (The), 310 + + Cure-ious! 99 + + DALY Dream (A), 180 + + Damon out of Date, 205 + + Dance till Dawn, 16 + + Danger! 85 + + Dark Continent in Two Lights (The), 226 + + Decayed Industry (A), 82 + + Deptford hath its Darling, 273 + + "Devil's Advocate" (The), 51 + + Diary à la Russe (A), 193 + + Directors' Vade Mecum (The), 49 + + Distorted Mercy, 309 + + Ditty of the Dog-Days (A), 17 + + Diver (The), 98 + + Double Entente, 228 + + Drama College, 192 + + Dr. Dulcamara Up to Date, 218 + + Dream-Book for Would-be Travellers, 65 + + Ducal Doings, 292 + + "Due South," 137, 145, 157, 169 + + EFFEMINACY of the Age, 97 + + 1893; or, the Government Guillotine, 2 + + Englishman in Paris (The), 77 + + Essence of Parliament, 11, 22, 34, 46, 58, 70, 82, 94, 106, 118, 130, + 142, 154, 226, 238, 250, 262, 274, 286, 298, 302 + + European Crisis Averted! 273 + + Examination Paper for Ladies, 45 + + Expostulation (An), 216 + + FABIUS Fin-de-Siècle, 225 + + Fallen Art (A), 25 + + "Fantastic" Action (A), 192 + + Farewell! 190 + + Fashionable Intelligence, 51 + + Father William, 18 + + Feminine Triumph (A), 277 + + "Flibbertigibbet," 261 + + Fool with a Gun (The), 159 + + "Forlorn Hope" (The), 150 + + Fragments from a Franco-Russian Phrase-Book, 197 + + French Flag (The), 228 + + French Wolf and the Siamese Lamb (The), 54 + + From Colchester, 111 + + From Grave to Gay, 89 + + From Our Island Special, 58 + + From Professor Muddle, 34 + + Future of Home Rule (The), 245 + + GAME of Chance (A), 285 + + Gingham-Grabber (The), 237 + + Going to the Country, 120 + + Golden Memories, 141 + + Good Luck to it! 253 + + "Good Sir John!", 166 + + Great African Lion-Tamer (The), 230 + + HANDY Boy (The), 246 + + "Hark! I hear the Sound of Coaches!", 255 + + Haunted! 101 + + Health-Seeker's Vade Mecum (The), 1 + + Height of Comfort (The), 241 + + "Here's to the Client," 63 + + Her Sailor Hat, 101 + + Highland "Caddie," 122 + + Highly Probable, 282 + + "History (nearly) repeats itself," 261 + + History Repeats Itself, 154 + + Home Rails, 243 + + How to Write a Cheap Christmas Number, 265 + + "Hymen Hymenæe!" 6 + + IDEAL Conversation (The), 159 + + Ideal Drama (The), 202 + + In Black and White, 225 + + Inquiry (An), 233 + + Intelligence à l'Americaine, 10 + + JOHN Bull's Naval Vade Mecum, 118 + + John Tyndall, 277 + + Jolly Young Watermaids (The), 156 + + Just Cause, 25 + + KISS that Costs (The), 310 + + LATEST Autumn Fashion (The), 228 + + Latest Crisis (The), 61 + + Latest Parisian Romance (The), 33 + + Law and Justice v. Duty "done," 286 + + Lawyer's Chortle (A), 205 + + Lay of the "Ancient" (The), 101 + + Lays of Modern Home, 33 + + Lesson for Labour (A), 138 + + Letter Home (A), 183 + + Letters for the Silly Season, 111 + + Letters to Abstractions, 97 + + Life (and Death) in South America, 158 + + Lines on (and off) an Italian Mule, 141 + + Little Bill-ee, 114 + + Little Master Minority, 198 + + Little Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe, 86 + + Lobengula's Letter-Bag, 257 + + London Pest (A), 25 + + London School-Board Vade Mecum (The), 165 + + Lord Chancellor's Song (The), 289 + + Lost Smell (The), 274 + + Love and Law, 142 + + Love's Labour's Lost, 86 + + "L'Union fait la--Farce!", 186 + + MAGIC and Manufactures, 245 + + Making them Useful, 90 + + Man in the South (The), 129 + + Man Makes the Tailor (The), 53 + + March in November, 234 + + "Masterly Inactivity," 174 + + Mature Charms, 261 + + May and December, 305 + + Meeting of the Anti-Biographers, 105 + + Message from the Sea (A), 294 + + Misnomer, 228 + + Misty Crystal (A), 214 + + Moan of a Theatre-Manager (The), 41 + + Moan of the Minor Poet (The), 42 + + Modern Medusa (The), 270 + + Modern Nymph's Reply to the Passionate Shepherd (The), 16 + + Mot by a Member, 222 + + Mr. Punch's Appeal--to Coal-Owners, Miners, and all whom it may + Concern, 170 + + Mrs. Nickleby in the Chair, 30 + + Murch Praised, 277 + + Muscular Education, 37 + + Music and Law, 293 + + Music for the Multitude, 49 + + "My Cummerbund," 153 + + My Gardeneress, 93 + + My Landlord, 193 + + My Pretty June, at a Later Season, 189 + + Mystified, 216 + + My Tenant, 193 + + NAME! Name! 226 + + Names for Other Names, 174 + + Nautical Economy, 285 + + N.B.! 214 + + New King Coal, 74 + + New King Coal Corrected, 118 + + New Lights for Old, 273 + + New Version, 273 + + New Year's Eve at Latterday Hall, 304 + + Ninth of November (The), 238 + + Noble Organ-grinder (The), 217 + + No Raison d'être! 216 + + Not a Fair Exchange, 177 + + Note by our own Philosopher, 207 + + Novel Show (A), 121 + + "OBERLAND" Route (The), 221 + + Ode de Knill--and Co., 25 + + Ode of Odours (An), 292 + + Old "Adelphi Triumph" (An), 117 + + Old and New School for Scandal, 249 + + Old Man's Musings (An), 10 + + One of the Maxims of Civilisation, 261 + + "One-Horse" Householder, 89 + + 1,000,000 A.D., 250 + + Only Fancy! 93 + + Operatic Notes, 5, 17 + + Ornithological Outburst (An), 257 + + Orator "Pour Rire" (An), 21 + + Our Barterers, 294, 310 + + Our Booking-Office, 9, 52, 154, 198, 209, 237, 249, 253, 265, 285, + 293, 305 + + Our Opera, 25 + + "Over the Hills and Far Away!", 126 + + "PAINLESS Dentistry," 133 + + Palinode, 258 + + "Paper of the Day after To-morrow" (The), 229 + + "Pas Même Académecien!" 162 + + "Pictures from 'Punch,'" 177 + + "Piece and War!" at Drury Lane, 149 + + Playing the Deuce at the Haymarket, 161 + + "Play is not the Thing" (The), 22 + + Plea for Pleading's (A), 277 + + Poison in the Pump, 281 + + Police Phrase-Book (The), 16 + + Politics in South America, 125 + + Popular Songs re-sung, 73, 241 + + Precept and Practice, 213 + + Preparing for Christmas, 226 + + Prince Alexander of Battenberg, 253 + + Profession of Journalism (The), 222 + + Prophetic Diary of the L. C. C., 16 + + Proprietors' Vade Mecum (The), 46 + + Punch's "God-Speed" to the Pole Seekers, 22 + + Q. E. D., 238 + + Queer Cards, 246 + + Queer English, 34 + + Queer Queries, 36, 37, 135, 240 + + Question of Tint (A), 217 + + "Quiet Pipe" (A), 122 + + Quoth Dunraven, Nevermore! 192 + + RATHER Familiar! 255 + + "Ready, Aye Ready!", 110 + + Reign of Ringlets (The), 158 + + Repartees for the Railway, 202 + + "Resh'prosh'ty," 222 + + Rex Lobengula, 243 + + Rhodes to ----? 225 + + Riflemen--"Form!" 165 + + Rippin', 171 + + Robert at Gildhall, 75 + + Robert at the Manshun House, 17 + + Robert on the Coming Sho, 221 + + Robert's Puzzel, 261 + + Rosebery to the Rescue! 15 + + "Rule, Britannia!", 234 + + Rule of the Sea (The), 57 + + Rules of the Rude (The), 177 + + "SAIL! a Sail!" (A), 78 + + Saint Izaak and his Votaries, 62 + + Schopenhauer Ballads (The), 57, 77 + + Seasonable, 37, 234 + + Seasonable Reflection, 297 + + Seasonable Sayings, 298 + + Seasonable Sonnet, 277 + + Seasonable Vade Mecum (A), 305 + + Seeing the Royal Wedding Presents, 28 + + Self-Help, 205 + + Sax Scotch Pipers (The), 195 + + Shakspeare in London, 264 + + Shooting the Chutes, 73 + + "Single-Handed Run" (A), 267 + + Sir Aquarius to the Rescue! 146 + + Skinners and Skinned, 5 + + "Social Test-Words," 121 + + Song of the Autumn Session (The), 217 + + Song of the Session (The), 3 + + Song of the Shopkeeper (The), 29 + + Sonnet, 111 + + Spirit of Christmas Present (The), 306 + + Star-Gazing, 183 + + Still Wilder Ideas, 94 + + Stormy Petrel (The), 66 + + Stout Singer's Smile (The), 286 + + Striker's Vade Mecum (The), 121 + + Strike-ing Suggestion (A), 228 + + Study in Brown (A), 309 + + Study in Press-Land (A), 149 + + Sub Judice, 3 + + Surgeon-Major Parke, 138 + + Sympathy, 42 + + TALE of the Alhambra (A), 9 + + Tea and Twaddle, 106 + + "Tears, idle Tears!", 264 + + Testimonial Manqué (A), 4 + + Then and Now, 157 + + Three Georges (The), 3 + + Three Jovial Huntsmen (The), 134 + + Three Tartars (The), 141 + + Three V's (The), 210 + + Through the Lock, 42 + + To a Droshky-Driver, 41 + + To a Fine Woman, 66 + + To a Lady, 253 + + To a Lost Friend, 201 + + To a Parisienne, 53 + + To a Swiss Barometer, 64 + + To a Young Friend, aged Seven, 189 + + To Bobby, 297 + + To Doctor Falbe, 141 + + To "Hans Breitmann," 192 + + To Hebe, 229 + + To Marjorie, 273 + + Too Kind by Half, 39 + + To the French Oarsmen, 5 + + To the Sea, 229 + + Tour that never was (The), 75 + + Triolet, 269 + + Trip-lets, 277 + + True French Politeness, 114 + + Trumps for Tramps, 87 + + Trying her Strength, 102 + + Turkish Occupation; or, Visions in Smoke (A), 26 + + Turpin and Trains, 147 + + Timon on Bimetallism, 65 + + "'Twas in Trafalgar"'s Theatre, 293 + + Two Pots, The, 75 + + Two Views of Victory, 233 + + Tyranny of the Unsuitable (The), 269 + + ULSTERICAL Impromptu (An), 228 + + Under the Rose, 112, 124, 136, 148, 160, 172, 184, 196, 208, 220, + 232, 244, 256, 268, 280 + + Under the Roose, 1 + + Union is (Logical) Weakness, 221 + + University Intelligence, 277 + + Upon Julia's Mother, 190 + + "Usual Channel," (The), 90 + + "VARIETY! Va-ri-e-ty!", 279 + + Vision of Royalty (A), 27 + + Visit to Borderland (A), 52 + + "Voces Stellarum," 48 + + Voice of the Thames (The), 45 + + Volunteers' Vade Mecum (The), 29 + + WALK in Devon (A), 202, 214 + + Walking Englishwoman on the Alps, 77 + + War in South America (The), 181 + + Way they have in the City (A), 53 + + "Way they have in the Navy" (The), 41 + + Wear and Tear in Africa, 9 + + Weather Wisdom, 269 + + Were-Wolf (The), 290 + + Westminster Play (The), 293 + + What's in a Name? 33 + + When the "Cat"'s Away, 206 + + Who is it? 93 + + Why Elinor is ever Young, 57 + + Windy Corner at Brighton (A), 297 + + "Wonder-Kid" (A), 269 + + Woodman, spare those Trees! 166 + + Words! Words! Words! 102 + + Word to the Wise Wheelman (A), 219 + + YORKSHIRE Victor, 113 + + You never Wrote, 231 + + +LARGE ENGRAVINGS. + + Alexander and Diogenes, 163 + + "Bicycle built for Two" (A), 259 + + Black Shadow (The), 211 + + "Champion Shaver" (The), 283 + + "Father William," 19 + + "Forlorn Hope" (The), 151 + + French Wolf and the Siamese Lamb (The), 55 + + Handy Boy (The), 247 + + "Hymen Hymenæe!" 7 + + Lesson for "Labour" (A), 139 + + Little Bill-ee! 115 + + Little Master Minority, 199 + + "L'Union fait la--Farce!" 187 + + "Masterly Inactivity," 175 + + "Message from the Sea" (A), 295 + + Modern Medusa (The), 271 + + Mrs. Nickleby in the Chair, 31 + + "Over the Hills and Far Away!" 127 + + Poor Victim (The), 91 + + "Resh'prosh'ty," 223 + + "Rule, Britannia!" 235 + + "Sail! a Sail!" (A), 79 + + Spirit of Christmas Present (The), 307 + + Stormy Petrel (The), 67 + + "Through the Lock," 43 + + Trying her Strength, 103 + + +SMALL ENGRAVINGS. + + Agatha and the Wall-paper, 106 + + "Angels in the House," 47 + + Apple Woman on Lady Salisbury, 171 + + 'Arry and Foreign Traveller, 12 + + Authority on the "Buffer State" (An), 64 + + Bachelor's Reason for Dancing, 29 + + Baked-Potato Man on the Sands, 166 + + Balfour and Treasury Babes, 254 + + Bather trying to regain his Tent, 109 + + Beater and the Serdlitz Pooder, 257 + + Bertie "catches a Crab," 51 + + British Lion and Matabele Behemoth (The), 182 + + Brown getting out of Stream, 310 + + Brown helping himself to everything, 138 + + Brown's Corporation and its Cause, 22 + + Bulky Bride leaving her Parents, 270 + + Cabby and Clergyman, 168 + + Canon's Introduction to a Lady, 210 + + Chiffonniers on Hampstead Heath, 114 + + Cleveland's Dance with Free Trade, 278 + + "Committee Stage of the Home-Rule Bill," 59 + + Complimenting an After-dinner Speaker, 286 + + Conjugal Trouble about Christmas Present, 190 + + Conscientious Hairdresser (A), 34 + + Corpulent Sportsman's Symptoms, 113 + + Counsel and Facetious Witness, 233 + + County Councillor and Acoustics, 298 + + Critic's Two Reviews (A), 277 + + "Daily Graphic" Weather Lady, 153 + + "Devil's Advocate" (The), 50 + + Dining with the Odds and Ends, 165 + + Divorce stands Lunch to Bankruptcy, 297 + + Doctor Dulcamara and Mr. Punch, 218 + + Doomed Bill (The), 119 + + "Ears off in Front!" 121 + + Electric Light in an Old House, 302 + + Eton Boy and Pater's dear Luncheon, 66 + + Excited Orchestral Conductor, 285 + + Farmer Trencherman and the Curate, 169 + + Father Thames Purified, 95 + + Festive Babies, 282 + + Football Match (A), 299 + + Forgotten his Dress Coat, 25 + + Friends in Editor's Sanctum, 58 + + Gamekeeper and Captain's Language, 70 + + Gate-Boy and Hunting Lady, 207 + + German Teacher of English (A), 28 + + Giant Beetle (The), 201 + + Gladstone's "Long Break," 287 + + Gladstone the Diver, 98 + + Going to Cairo for Cheapness, 281 + + Golf Meeting (A), 191 + + Government Guillotine (The), 2 + + "Happy Family" in Fret-Work (The), 71 + + Harrow Scholar in Good Form, 238 + + Hawkins and Merton at a Restaurant, 178 + + Highland Corporal and Photographer, 86 + + His Ancestor's Portrait, 195 + + His Sister's Match-Maker, 82 + + Holiday Dress in the House, 83 + + Hostess of "Present-Day" Age, 63 + + Housekeeper and Servants' Sweepstakes, 229 + + Housemaid's Translation of "Salve," 222 + + House of Apollo-ticians (A), 143 + + "House Party" at Christmas, 303 + + Icicle made for Two (An), 197 + + Improbable Free Fight in the Lords, 131 + + Indisposed Yachtsman's Resolutions, 65 + + Influenzial House of Commons, 275 + + Inspecting General and Yeoman, 15 + + Irish Curate and the Doctor, 75 + + Izaak Walton and his Votaries, 62 + + "Joey" (Chamberlain) and the Hot Poker, 242 + + Jones's Delicious Drink, 253 + + Jones's visit to Prigglesby Manor, 90 + + Laconic 'Bus-Driver (A), 27 + + Lady Hypatia and the World at Large, 258 + + Lady's Story after the Garden Party, 16 + + Lady Vera flattering an Author, 274 + + Lika Joko's Hunting Scene, 263 + + Little Boy and the Martial Cloak, 117 + + Little Old Woman and her Shoe, 86 + + Local Hatter and Baronet, 94 + + Local Mammoth's Neighbours (The), 292 + + Looking at the Knight's Tomb, 150 + + Lower Creation (The), 105, 111 + + Mamma's Vaccination Sleeves, 3 + + Marian not a fit Servant's Name, 202 + + Master Bull's Sinking Ships, 110 + + Master Jack out for Early Hunting, 154 + + Mr. Punch and Coal-Owner and Miner, 170 + + Mr. Punch at Edinburgh, 179 + + Mr. Sinnick's Love for Babies, 246 + + Mrs. Prickles and "Coals of Fire," 225 + + Mrs. Ramsbotham and the Graces, 162 + + Musicians in the Stalls, 159 + + My Lady and Housemaid's Character, 54 + + Naughty Boy and his Governess, 186 + + Nervous Hunting Man and Lady Rider, 262 + + New King Coal, 74 + + News from the Law Courts, 237 + + Not an Ornamental Bishop, 306 + + Old Adonis and his Bust, 99 + + Old Gent and Galloping Coach-Team, 81 + + Old Huntsman's Law Reading, 291 + + Old Keeper and Red-haired Fisher, 11 + + "Out for an Otter-Day!" 189 + + "Out! Her First Ball!" 1 + + Painter and his Hostess, 78 + + Papa putting on Mamma's Hair, 198 + + Parliamentary Bear-Garden (A), 35 + + Parliamentary Football Match, 266 + + Parliament by Proxy, 227 + + People who don't dine out on Sunday, 130 + + Pheasant Shooting, 203 + + Philanthropist and Small Boy's Parcel, 226 + + Piping Satyr (A), 122 + + Podgers and his Host's Shoes, 147 + + Police Protection for Pianists, 217 + + Portrait of Mr. Mince-Pie, 301 + + Priceless Piece of English Coal (A), 192 + + Railway Traveller and Dog, 177 + + Rhodes, the Lion-Tamer, 230 + + Ringlets again the Fashion, 158 + + Rivals and the Fair Siamese, 38 + + Rosebery to the Rescue! 14 + + Scenes in the City, 239 + + Scotch Counsel and Old Lady, 118 + + Scotchman and the Rector, 45 + + Scottish Political Pipers, 194 + + Sea-side after Visitors are gone, 135 + + Seedy Swell's Watch (A), 5 + + Shadows on the Underground Railway, 181 + + Shaftesbury Fountain (The), 181 + + Shy Couple conversing on the Strike, 234 + + Singing Captain and Ladies, 102 + + Sir Aquarius and the Water-Snake, 146 + + Sir Harry on his Rhinoceros, 216 + + Sir Pompey and the French Baron, 46 + + Sir Pompey's Acts of Charity, 30 + + Sleeping Cat o' Nine Tails, 206 + + Small Boy's Dilemma about Hunting, 267 + + Smart Set at a Party (A), 6 + + Snobley and the Sand Ponies, 123 + + Spelling "Soda-water" with a Syphon, 141 + + Sporting Farmer and 'Arry at the Hunt, 231 + + Sportsman who has made a Mare, 243 + + Spreading Himself Out, 305 + + Squire and his Steward (A), 245 + + Stag-Hunting, 215 + + Stout Lady wanting Wings, 174 + + Sultan and Khedive Smoking, 26 + + Tailor's Lobengulous Customer, 250 + + Telephoning Twins (The), 255 + + Three Ministerial Huntsmen (The), 134 + + Tiger and Bear at the Club, 173 + + Tipsy Gent and Baker's Boy, 53 + + Tipsy Undergraduate and the Major, 214 + + Tommy's Ultimatum to his Nurse, 18 + + Tourist Season (The), 107 + + Tourist who didn't Shoot Anybody, 219 + + Trafalgar Square of the Future, 251 + + Two Golfers, 145 + + Two Ladies and the Piano, 42 + + Two Swells in the Rain, 193 + + Two Unknown Painters, 61 + + Very Nice to Departing Guests, 294 + + Vicar's Cook and a Saved Sole, 142 + + Wandering Minstrel and Sea-side Beauties, 126 + + Wanting a Table d'Oat Dinner, 205 + + Week of the Year (The), 23 + + Were-Wolf of Anarchy (The), 290 + + Who would be an M.P.? 155 + + Who would not be an M.P.? 167 + + Young Lady Making "Dinner Eyes," 39 + + Young Lady's Jacket Puzzle, 237 + + Young Muddleigh's Lady Love, 279 + + Young Sportsman and the Bad Shot, 125 + + Young Wife and Horse's Weight, 183 + + Youthful Reprobate and the World, 265 + + Youth who comes Home late (A), 49 + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +LONDON; BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., LIMITED, WHITEFRIARS. + + * * * * * + +Transcriber's Note: + +Page 306: "SANDSTONE" corrected to "SADSTONE", to fit context of +article. + +"... to shed its lurid light on SADSTONE, as he came peeping round +the door." + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +105 December 30, 1893, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40636 *** |