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diff --git a/40636-8.txt b/40636-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 285cc78..0000000 --- a/40636-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2659 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 -December 30, 1893, by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 105 December 30, 1893 - -Author: Various - -Editor: Francis Burnand - -Release Date: September 1, 2012 [EBook #40636] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - - - - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - - - - - * * * * * - - Punch, or the London Charivari - - Volume 105, December 30, 1893. - - _edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ - - * * * * * - - - - -[Illustration: PORTRAIT OF MR. "MINCE-PIE," - -_THE_ M.P. FOR CHRISTMAS.] - - * * * * * - -THE ADVENTURES OF PICKLOCK HOLES. - -(_By Cunnin Toil._) - -No. VII.--THE STOLEN MARCH. - -(_Continued._) - -As soon as we entered the drawing-room all the little GUMPSHONS -clapped their hands with delight, and surrounded their Uncle PICKLOCK, -each of them attempting to infer from the expression on the great -detective's countenance what it was that he carried in his left -coat-tail pocket. "I know what it is," said EDGAR ALLAN POE GUMPSHON, -a boy of fifteen; "it's plum-cake. I know it must be, because I never -seed it, so it ain't seed-cake." GABORIAU GUMPSHON, aged thirteen, -opined it was a packet of bull's-eyes, "'cos that's what detectives -always carry on dark nights," whilst ANN RADCLIFFE GUMPSHON declared -with certainty that it must be nuts, for she had just heard a cracker -explode in the street. "Children," said PICKLOCK HOLES, "you are -nearly right. Your powers have much improved. I am delighted to see -that you are kept up to the mark;" and, speaking thus, he produced -from his pocket an apple, which he presented to EDGAR, a pocket-knife -which he handed to the jubilant GABORIAU, and a pincushion, which was -immediately clasped and carried off in the chubby hand of little ANN -RADCLIFFE. "A year ago," said PICKLOCK, turning to me, "these children -could not have reasoned inductively with one half of their present -approximate accuracy; but my dear sister, Heaven bless her! is a -wonderful teacher, the best and cleverest of us all. Indeed, indeed -you are, PHILIPPA," he continued, warmly embracing Mrs. GUMPSHON. "I -am a mere bungler compared to you. But come, let us to business." At -a signal from Lady HOLES the happy children trooped off to bed, and we -elders were left alone. - -Sir AMINADAB opened the conversation. "I sent for you, my dear boy," -he said, "because I have just received from one of my agents in -the North information of an important case which demands immediate -investigation. Neither HAYLOFT nor SKAIRKROW can go, having business -that keeps them in London. I look, therefore, to you to cover the -family name with new lustre by solving this extraordinary mystery." -Here the old man paused, as though overcome by emotion. PICKLOCK -encouraged him with an expressive look, and he continued:-- - -"This morning," he said, "I received from my agent this letter." He -drew a sheet of paper from his breast-pocket, and read, in tremulous -tones, as follows:-- - - "'_Tochtachie Castle, Daffshire._ - -"'SIR,--Lord TOCHTACHIE has been robbed. I overheard him last night -conversing with the Hon. IAN STRUNACHAR, his eldest son, who used the -following words: "Not a doubt of it. They have stolen a march----" -More I could not hear at the moment. The case is of immense -importance, and I trust you will lose no time in sending a competent -investigator. I have, of course, concealed both my presence here and -my knowledge of the theft from his lordship. - - "'Yours faithfully, 'DAVID MCPHIZZLE.'" - -"There, my boy, is the case. Will you go and help a Scotch -representative peer to recover his own? Think how terrible it must -be to lose the march or boundary that separates your ancestral -domain from that of a neighbour whose whole course of life may be -antipathetic to you. Will you go?" - -A wave of emotion passed over my friend's face. I could see that -a struggle of no ordinary kind was raging in his breast. Finally, -however, he looked at me, and his mind, I knew, was made up. In -another ten minutes we had bidden adieu to his family, and were -speeding northwards in the Scotch express. - -Over the details of the journey it is not necessary to linger. Suffice -it to say that on the following morning we arrived at Tochtachie, and -took up our quarters in a deserted barn situated in the very centre of -the estate. From this point we pursued our investigations. Our first -proceeding was to interview the local constabulary, but we found them -as obtuse and as foolishly incredulous as policemen are all the world -over. One of them, indeed, went so far as to hint that HOLES was -"havering," which I understand to be an ancient Gaelic word signifying -metaphysical talk, but a look from the great detective chilled him -into silence. Day by day we worked, and not even the night gave us -a rest from our self-sacrificing labours. We mapped out the whole -district into square yards; we gathered the life-history of every -single inhabitant on the estate; we left no clue untracked, no -loophole unblocked, no single piece of evidence unexamined, no -footstep unmeasured. We collected every scrap of torn letter, every -crumpled telegram-form. The very heather of the moor, and the trees -growing in the policies of the Castle were compelled by HOLES' -marvellous inductive powers to yield to us their secrets, until after -weeks of patient toil we at last judged ourselves to be in possession -not only of the stolen march, but also of evidence that would bring -conviction home to the guilty party. We had paused, I remember, by a -heap of granite at the roadside. HOLES seemed strangely excited. "A -march," I heard him muttering, "is performed by footsteps; steps are -often made of stone. Can this be it? It must be! It is!" Then, with -a shout of triumph, he gave orders to have the heap loaded on to a -country cart, which was to follow us to the Castle. - -We arrived in the great courtyard at about seven o'clock in the -evening. HOLES slipped from my side, entered the house, and after -a few moments returned to my side. We then clanged the bell, and -demanded to see his lordship. In a few moments Lord TOCHTACHIE -appeared, surrounded by kilted retainers, bearing torches, and -intoning in unison the mournful sporan of the clan. It was a weird and -awful sight. But HOLES, unemotional as ever, advanced at once to the -haughty Scotchman, before whose eye half a county was accustomed to -tremble, and, without any ado, addressed him thus: "My Lord, your -march has been stolen. Nay, do not interrupt me. Your guards are -careless, but not criminal--of that I can assure you. Here is the -stolen property; I restore it to you without cost." At this moment -the cart rumbled up, and ere the peer had time to utter a word, it had -discharged its contents into the middle of the yard. HOLES went on, -but in a lower voice, so as to be heard only by Lord TOCHTACHIE: "The -guilty party, my Lord, is your honoured father-in-law. He dare not, -he cannot, deny it. He is, I know, blind and deaf and dumb. These -qualities do not, however, exclude the possibility of crime. I have -just found these pieces of granite in his morning-room. The proof is -complete." - -At this moment a shot was heard in the Castle, and directly afterwards -a frightened butler rushed up to his lordship and whispered to him. -"Ha! say you so?" almost screamed Lord TOCHTACHIE. "That amounts to a -confession. Mr. HOLES," he continued, "you have indeed rendered me a -service. My unfortunate, but guilty father-in-law has shot and missed -himself through the head. But in any ease the honour of the house is, -I know, safe in your hands." - -I need hardly say that HOLES has never violated his lordship's -confidence, and the Daffshire peasants still speculate amongst -themselves upon the tortuous mystery of the march which was stolen and -restored. - - NOTE.--There is no proof positive given by any eye-witness - whose veracity is unimpeachable of the death of the great - amateur detective as it has been described in the _Strand - Magazine_ for this month. _Where is the merry Swiss boy who - delivered the note and disappeared?_ What was the symbolic - meaning of the alpenstock with the hook at the end, left on - the rock? Why, that he had _not_ "taken his hook." PICKLOCK - HOLES has disappeared, but so have a great many other people. - That he will turn up again no student of detective history and - of the annals of crime can possibly doubt. Is it not probable - that he has only dropped out of the _Strand Magazine_? And - is it not equally probable that under some alias he will - re-appear elsewhere? - - _Verb. sap._--ED. - - * * * * * - -FATHER CHRISTMAS leaves his cards on everybody about this time, as he -is here only for one day, and off the next. He has employed Messrs. -MARCUS WARD & CO. to do them, and excellent they are all round. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: THE OLD ORDER CHANGETH. - - _Lady Betty_ (_proud of the old ancestral mansion where the - family have lived ever since the reign of Henry the Eighth_). - "JUST FANCY WHAT PAPA'S HAVING DONE! HE'S HAVING THE ELECTRIC - LIGHT PUT IN!" - - _Prosaic Sister-in-law_ (_from Chicago_). "I'M REAL GLAD TO - HEAR IT. IT'LL BE THE MAKING OF THE PLACE!"] - - * * * * * - -ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. - -EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. - -_House of Commons, Friday, December 22._--House adjourned for -Christmas Recess; pleased to find that it will include the whole of -Christmas Day. Some talk of being satisfied with the Sunday, spending -Christmas Day in further pursuit of Parish Councils Bill. But after -deliberation decided to have a real good holiday on Christmas Day. -Came across SQUIRE OF MALWOOD just now. Was chalking up on door "Back -in ten minutes." - -"It's a little more than that, of course, TOBY," he said. "But that -has business-like look. Am told it's what they do in the City before -going out for hasty luncheon." - -[Illustration: Toby, M.P., enjoys his holiday.] - -Enjoyed my holiday reading HERBERT MAXWELL'S life of OLD MORALITY -just published by BLACKWOOD. A difficult task; much easier to make -attractive book out of life of NAPOLEON BONAPARTE than with WILLIAM -HENRY SMITH as subject. That MAXWELL has succeeded appears from fact -that one leaves these volumes with warmer esteem and sincerer liking -for OLD MORALITY even than was born of close observation through -many Parliamentary sessions. MAXWELL has had full access to his -correspondence and journals. Uses them with great discretion; they -bring into mellow, clear light the capable, unselfish, courageous man, -ever following the loadstar of Duty. House of Commons used to smile -when OLD MORALITY, faced by any difficulty or dilemma, talked about -his "duty to his QUEEN and country." In his private letters he does -not put it in that oratorical form. But they are full of references -to the calls of duty. Stricken with a painful malady, worn in body and -wounded in spirit, OLD MORALITY still sturdily trod the narrow path. -There is little doubt that had he, two years before the end came, -retired from the Leadership of the House of Commons his genial -presence might have been with us to-day. But he was wanted at his -post, and he stuck to it. - -Writing on the 17th March, 1889, he says: "We have trouble in -politics, and I am very weary. But I must go on doing my daily work as -best I can, looking for guidance and wisdom where alone it can be had -until my rest comes." This cry for rest was always sounding, through -day and night. A few weeks earlier he wrote to another friend: "I can -say God help me. He will take me out of my work when I am no longer -required, and then will come rest." - -[Illustration: The last I saw of Harcourt.] - -His last appearance in a semi-official capacity was in July, 1891, -when he went to Hatfield to meet the German Emperor. In the last -letter written to his wife he says, "Observing I looked tired last -night, Lady SALISBURY urged me to go to bed early: which I did." One -of his colleagues in the Cabinet, a fellow-guest at Hatfield on this -occasion, tells me he had occasion to know that OLD MORALITY was -in such pain he could not rest in his bed, spending the long night -walking about the room, with occasional rest in an arm-chair. Not -a word of this is written in the letter to Mrs. SMITH, in which he -reports that "everything has gone off wonderfully well to-day, which -must be very satisfactory to the Salisburys." Under his bourgeois -habit and unassuming manner W. H. SMITH modestly hid a chivalrous -mind and a noble nature. He had a kindly heart, too. But everyone knew -that, since he wore it on his sleeve. - -_Business done._--Adjourned for so-called Christmas holidays. Think -I'll go and call on Lobengula. "Back in ten minutes," as the SQUIRE -says. - - * * * * * - -EDEPOL! - -SIR,--"I'm all the way from Westminster," and the work I have to do -is to let you know about the Latin play performed there. PLAUTUS, -in truth, is not a wildly exciting writer, and there is in the -_Trinummus_ a tameness which, extending, as it does, through five -acts, becomes almost oppressive at the end. The young actors looked -well and enunciated clearly, and one of them, Mr. J. F. WATERS, showed -considerable ability as an actor. But we don't go to the College -of St. Peter at Westminster merely to see the play. There are other -interests. It is pleasant to watch the Old Westminsters rubbing -recollections with one another between the acts, and endeavouring -gallantly during the performance to keep their rusty Latin abreast of -the various situations. Laughter in a Latin play straggles. It is like -a dropping fire of musketry. A Westminster master probably leads -it off; various intelligent veterans take it up dutifully, and the -ladies, bless their unlatinised minds, follow faintly towards the -end. If a London manager wants applause in his theatre let him hire a -contingent of small Westminster boys. They have attained to absolute -perfection in the arts of the _claque_. At no Paris Theatre is it -better done. The epilogue showed a pretty wit and a high degree of -skill in the management of hexameter and pentameter. No one could have -believed that the Kodak advertisement, "you press the button, we do -the rest," would have made so good a Latin line. Much pleased, and so -to bed. - - Yours, A VAGRANT. - - * * * * * - -"A MERE QUESTION OF TIME."--_Example:_ "What o'clock is it?" - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: OUR "HOUSE PARTY" AT CHRISTMAS.] - - * * * * * - -NEW YEAR'S EVE AT LATTERDAY HALL. - -(_An Incident._) - -SCENE I.--_Library in Latterday Hall_, Sir LYON TAYMER'S _Country -House_. Sir LYON TAYMER _discovered fuming by the mantelpiece, while -his_ Secretary _is glancing over some correspondence_. - -_Sir Lyon_ (_irritably_). Here--I suppose you will have to answer -this. - -_Secretary._ What is that, Sir LYON? - -_Sir Lyon._ You know how anxious I am that my New Year's party -should be a success. A whole heap of celebrities are coming, and, -notwithstanding the immense expense, I engaged a party of Ghosts to -amuse them. Now I have just had a telepathic communication from these -Shadows of Shades--(that's all they are--only Ghosts of departed -heroes and heroines in fiction)--asking whether they're to be treated -on an equality with the other guests, or as mere entertainers! Did you -ever hear of such impertinence! The spokesman--I should say, perhaps, -the Spooksman--is, of all people in the other world, the VICAR OF -WAKEFIELD. A clergyman too! It's quite inconsistent; and so snobbish! - -_Secretary._ Dear Sir LYON, excuse me, but it's perfectly natural that -Ghosts should be a little sensitive on the social question. Remember, -for years they were ignored, or looked upon as mountebanks. It is -really only of late that there has been all this excitement about -them, so it is not surprising they are anxious to be taken seriously. - -_Sir Lyon._ Well, I suppose I am old-fashioned, but it seems to me -quite ridiculous. These infernal Ghosts give themselves as many airs -as though they were--the Blue Hungarians, at least. - -_Secretary._ Ah, from a band we might expect airs. But I should advise -you very strongly, Sir _Lyon_, to treat them as friends. You _must_ be -up to date. - -_Sir Lyon_ (_with disgust_). Allow them to dine--perhaps to -_dance_--with my guests? - -_Secretary_ (_with calmness_). Certainly they will have to dine; and, -as to dancing, of course they _must_, if they're received on an equal -_footing_. - - [_Smiles to himself at his joke._ - -_Sir Lyon._ Oh--well--I suppose I must give in. Let them know at once, -and for heaven's sake mind they're punctual. - - [_Scene closes as the Secretary hastily seizes a slate, - and automatically writes to the Ghosts a very cordial and - courteously-worded invitation._ - -[Illustration: Dorian Gray taking Juliet in to dinner.] - -SCENE II.--_New Year's Eve at Latterday Hall. In the magnificent -dining-room are seated at dinner a large, well-known, and incongruous -company. The Ghosts are chatting away in the most genial manner -with the living distinguished people, and positively making the -"celebrities" quite "at home."_ DANIEL DERONDA _shows a marked liking -for_ DODO, _whom he has taken to dinner, and is indulging in a light -and airy flirtation with her, which takes a form peculiar to himself_. - -_Daniel Deronda_ (_earnestly_). Who has ever pinched into its pilulous -smallness the cobweb of matrimonial duty? Honesty is surely the -broadest basis of joy in life. - -_Dodo_ (_a modern Detail in accordion pleating, subject to morbid fits -of irrelevant skirt-dancing_). Oh, Mr. DERONDA, what a silly girl I -am! I can't bear that proverb about "Honesty being the best policy." -It sounds like a sort of life Insurance. - - [_Giggles contemporarily._ DORIAN GRAY _having taken_ JULIET - _to dinner, and not getting on with her very well, is staring - with unfeigned horror at_ ROCHESTER, _opposite, who is - bullying_ JANE EYRE _to a pitiable extent. Behind him is a - screen of gilt Spanish leather, wrought with a rather florid - Louis Seize design and encrusted with pearls, moonstones, and - large green emeralds_. - -_Dorian_ (_aside, to_ Young Subaltern, _who has come Home. On leave. -For Christmas_). Who _is_ that dreadful man? - -_Young Subaltern._ Who? Old ROCHESTER? Oh, he's a Plain Hero. From the -past. He's all right. How well you're looking! Younger than ever, by -Jove! Which is curious. But why that absurd buttonhole? - -_Dorian_ (_hurt_). You never like anything I wear. You Anglo-Indians -are corrupt without being charming. This is a fault. - - [_Arranges his fringe in an old Dutch-silver mirror on the - opposite mantelpiece, framed in curiously-carved ivory Cupids, - and studded with precious stones, chiefly opals, sapphires, - and chrysoberyls._ - -_Ethel Newcome_ (_to_ Secretary). Who are those two pretty American -girls? They seem to be attracting a great deal of attention. (_I_ am -completely forgotten, I notice.) Do their dresses come from Paris? - -_Secretary._ No. I think not, dear Miss NEWCOME. From Messrs. HOWELLS -AND JAMES, I fancy. - -_Richard Feverel_ (_cheerily, across the table to_ Mr. PICKWICK). -In tolerance of some dithyrambic inebriety--quiverings of -semi-narration--we seem to be entering the circle of a most magnetic -pseudo-polarity. Don't we? - -_Mr. Pickwick_ (_puzzled_). Very kind of you to say so, I'm sure. May -I have the pleasure of taking wine with you? - - [_Dinner proceeds with animation._ BOOTLES' Baby, Little JIM, - PAUL DOMBEY, _and the_ Heavenly Twins _come in to dessert, and - are more or less troublesome_. - -_Sir Lyon_ (_aside, to_ Secretary, _when the ladies have retired_). -I say, you know I am afraid this is going to hang fire. It's nothing -less than a miracle for a social affair to go off well when the people -are not in the same set. Old PICKWICK's been asking for "a wassail -bowl." I haven't got such a thing about me; and I should have thought -'74 champagne would have been good enough, but he says it's like our -humour--_too new_! The children are bothering to know why there isn't -a Christmas-tree. - -_Secretary._ Tell them to go to the--Haymarket. The reward will -be--swift. Might I suggest mistletoe? I should be very pleased to go -under it with Madame BOVARY, just to show the others how to---- - -_Sir Lyon_ (_stiffly_). Much obliged, but I will not give you that -trouble. If _anyone_ goes under the mistletoe with Madame BOVARY it -will be myself. Remember that. - -_Secretary._ Oh, certainly! I merely meant----How about -crackers? I could set the thing going by pulling one with Miss OLIVIA. -The old Vicar said just now, in his pointed, Gothic way, something -about times having changed, and---- - -_Sir Lyon._ Yes, we'll have crackers, but you can leave _me_ to pull -the first one with Miss OLIVIA. It would look better. Perhaps we'd -better let the Ghosts give their entertainment now--eh? - -_Secretary._ I'll arrange it at once. - -SCENE III.--_In the Hall, in which is a temporary theatre; all the -Modern Celebrities are seated on rows of chairs, chattering, flirting, -and discussing Insomnia and the New Criticism. Behind the scenes the -Ghosts are disputing as to which shall recite first, the order of -precedence depending entirely on the question as to which is the most -completely defunct. Finally_, ERNEST MALTRAVERS _and_ TOM JONES _go on -together, and the Curtain goes up_. - -_Ernest Maltravers_ (_musingly, in a low yet ringing voice, in which -Pride struggles with Emotion_). Let us learn, from yon dinner-table, -o'er which brooded the spirits of the Novelists of all time, to lift -ourselves on the wings of Romanticism back to Bombastic and Primeval -Prose. (_Breaks off suddenly. Aside, to_ TOM JONES.) I cannot go on -like this. We ought to have had a _scenario_. - -_Tom Jones_ (_suppressing laughter, aside_). Why, thou foolish -scoundrel, is there not one in front? How else could be seated there -so many fair ladies and gallant gentlemen? - -_Ernest Maltravers_ (_aside_). In the contemplation of your idiocy, I -curb with difficulty the impulse that leads me to crush the life from -your bosom. Know, Ignorant One, that a _scenario_ is not the same -thing as an auditorium. - - [TOM JONES _is about to attack him with fine old English - violence, when the curtain suddenly falls. The entertainment - is interrupted. The audience appear at once amused and - shocked._ DORIAN_ takes out his little vinaigrette exquisitely - set with turquoises, cymophanes, amethysts, and tourmalines, - and offers it to the_ Subaltern, _who, evidently unaware of - its use, pockets it._ - -_Subaltern._ You got that out of a cracker, didn't you? I'll take it -Home. For the kids. - - [_The entr'acte is growing so prolonged that the_ Secretary - _goes behind the scenes to know the cause of the delay. He - finds all confusion. The party has been increased by the - presence of_ Mr. STEAD'S Spook JULIA, _who, having half an - hour to spare, has come to protest against the "indignity" - as she calls it, of fine old crusted Ghosts being expected to - perform to a lot of mere modern myths. She speaks with such - eloquence that she persuades them, one and all, to leave - without finishing their performance and entirely without - ceremony. Nothing the_ Secretary _can say has any effect, and - they all vanish, leaving "not a wrack behind," except, a slate - pencil JULIA has dropped in her excitement_. - -_Sir Lyon_ (_after hearing the news_). Shameful! Never again will I -have a Ghost in this house. This is what comes of treating them as -equals! I'll--I'll--I'll write to the Psychical Society! - - [_Scene closes as all the guests crowd round him and ask him - to drink the health of Modern Fiction and--The New Year._ - - * * * * * - -MAY AND DECEMBER. - -[Brighton is now represented by two of the youngest members in the -House.... Mr. GLADSTONE intends to spend Christmas at Brighton.] - - Just now, when the weather seems May in December, - They've sent up from Brighton another young member, - Two juvenile gentlemen sit for the town, - Their ages united just two-thirds would be - Of that of the statesman who often goes down - To seek renewed youth by the murmuring sea-- - Mr. G. - - Two Tories--meek May fighting sturdy December - Their foe is an old hand these lads should remember. - They'll probably sit most judiciously dumb, - Or only object like the murmuring sea. - To the House, sent from Brighton, the youngest have come; - From the House, down at Brighton, the oldest will be-- - Mr. G. - - * * * * * - -A SEASONABLE VADE MECUM. - -(_By Ker Mudgeon, Senior._) - -_Question._ What is the most satisfactory motto for Christmas? - -_Answer._ That it "comes but once a year." - -_Q._ Then it is as well to take a gloomy view of the season? - -_A._ That is the only reasonable aspect in the face of a pile of -"Christmas bills." - -_Q._ What are Christmas cards? - -_A._ Advertisements of existence sent to enemies as well as friends. - -_Q._ What is a plum pudding? - -_A._ Indigestion in the concrete. - -_Q._ And a mince pie? - -_A._ An excuse for a glass of brandy or a glass of any other equally -potent liquid. - -_Q._ Does old-fashioned English Christmas fare benefit anyone? - -_A._ Yes; doctors and chemists. - -_Q._ Why does an elderly person go the pantomime? - -_A._ Because he likes it just as much as a schoolboy. - -_Q._ What reason does he give for his visits to Drury Lane, the -Lyceum, or the Crystal Palace? - -_A._ That he visits those places of entertainment for the sake of the -children. - -_Q._ But if he is an old bachelor? - -_A._ He declares that he likes to see the delight of other people's -children. - -_Q._ What is the _spécialité_ of a Christmas family party? - -_A._ Row all round. - -_Q._ What are the regulation wishes of Yule-tide? - -_A._ A Happy Christmas and a Prosperous New Year. - -_Q._ And the probable result? - -_A._ The attainment of neither. - - * * * * * - -CROSSED IN LOVE.--A wedding-present cheque. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: FINAL ORDERS. - -_Keeper (to Boy out for his first day's driving)._ "MIND AND SPREAD -YERSELF OUT!"] - - * * * * * - -OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. - -"Sir," said a wisely deferential friend of the Baron's, approaching -the Baronial arm-chair wherein sat His Super-Excellency regaling -himself in truly Regal-Cole-ian fashion, "Sir, I present to your -notice a book entitled _In Search of a Climate_." "With such a title," -quoth the Baron, in poetic humour, "it should have been dedicated -to His Grace of Canterbury. Would not this distich well favour the -title-page? Listen:-- - - "'In Search of a Climate,' | From CHARLES B. NOTTAGE, - This to the Primate! | Who lives in a cottage." - -"W. A.," or "The Wisely Appreciative," went into wisely appreciative -ecstasies. "Baron," he presently resumed, "you will be graciously -pleased to read it." "I will recline on my sofa," returned the -Baron, "and, in that position, do my level best." So saying, His -Super-Excellency suited the action to the word, and, waving his hand -in token that he was not to be disturbed for the space of some forty -winks or more, he bent his head in silent study o'er the somewhat -bulky volume. "One of the most interesting and instructive chapters in -this excellently elaborated book of reference," said the Baron, some -time afterwards--"a book full of 'wise saws and modern instances'--is -that headed 'Religion and Rum,' whence it appears that, whatever -form of worship the Natives from time to time might adopt, it always -included the cult of spirits in some form or other. The title of this -chapter," observed the Baron, judicially, "instead of 'Religion -and Rum,' should rather have been 'Rum Religions, or Spirituous -Influences.' Towards the close of the book the author still seems to -be _In Search of a Climate_. But what sort of a climate does he seek? -One to suit everybody? Why, like the distinguished individual who was -'terribly disappointed with the Atlantic,' there are people, quoted -as testimony above proof by Mr. NOTTAGE, of the Cottage, who were -'all terribly disappointed with the climate of Santa Barbara and Los -Angeles.' Well, then," quoth the Baron, "try Margate and Ramsgate." -The book, attractively got up, is published by the firm whose name -always recalls to the Baron's verse-atile mind that delightful poem -set to dulcet music yclept "_Soft and Low, Soft and Low_," only that -the names are SAMP-SON Low, Low & Co., which, set to the same strain, -will "do as well." "And," quoth the Baron, suddenly inspired, "what a -series of songs for Publishers and Bookbinders might be written! For -example, _'My Mother bids me bind my books!' 'I am inter-leaving -thee in sorrow.' Cum multis aliis suggestionibus!_ But this is -_délassement_. Let our toast be, 'Our noble Shelves!'--'our noble -Book-shelves!'" explains the Baron, gaily; and so back to the Brown -Study where, as Baron BROWN BEARD, he disposes of the various heads -in his department, and signs himself, THE JUST AND GENEROUS BARON DE -BOOK-WORMS. - - * * * * * - -MRS. RAM says no wonder people are blown out at Christmas, as they do -fill themselves with so many "combustibles." - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: "SCENES OF CLERICAL LIFE." - -(_A Meeting of the Church of England Temperance Society. The Vote of -Thanks to the Chairman_.) - -"AND, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET ME POINT OUT TO YOU, IN THESE DAYS -WHERE THE ACTIVITY OF THE CHURCH IS SO OFTEN CALLED INTO QUESTION, -THAT OUR REVERED DIOCESAN COULD NEVER BE CALLED AN '_ORNAMENTAL -BISHOP'_!"] - - * * * * * - -"THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT." - -(_Passages from a Political "Christmas Carol" of the Period -descriptive of a slumbering Stateman's Yule-Tide Dream._) - - -Awaking in the middle of a prodigiously sonorous snore, and sitting up -on what seemed to be a nightmare-like blend of the Treasury Bench and -his own bed, to get his thoughts together, SADSTONE (like _Scrooge_) -had no occasion to be told that Big Ben was again upon the stroke of -Twelve. - -Now, being prepared for almost anything--from J-SS-E C-LL-NGS to -a Vote of Censure--he was not by any means prepared for Nothing! -Consequently, when the bell boomed its twelfth stroke, and nothing -appeared, or happened--not even a nightmare in the shape of T-MMY -B-WL-S, or a Motion for Adjournment--he was taken with a fit of the -shivers. - -At last he began to think that the source and centre of the ghostly -light which seemed to gleam on him from nowhere in particular, might -be in the adjoining room, his own private Downing Street _sanctum_. -Thence indeed, on further tracing it, it seemed to shine. This idea -taking full possession of his mind, he got up softly, and shuffled in -his slippers to the door. - -The moment SADSTONE'S hand was on the lock, a strange voice called him -by his name, and bade him enter. He obeyed. - -It was his own room. There was no doubt about that. But it had -undergone a surprising transformation. The walls and ceiling were -so hung with shamrock green and shillelagh branches that it looked -a perfect Grove of Blarney. A lurid blaze, like a blue-tongued -snapdragon flare, went hissing up the chimney, revealing in weird -glimpses on the heated hearth and chimney tiles spectral figures of -impish design and menacing gesture. Heaped up on the floor, to form a -kind of throne, were Blue Books, abortive Bills, scrolls on which -were inscribed endless questions and unnumbered amendments; bundles of -party papers and political pamphlets; pallid sucking-pigs that seemed -to demand rather opportune interment than human digestion; long -wreaths of sausage-like shackles; resurrection pies of indigestible -crust and full of offal scraps and tainted "block ornaments"; -pudding-shaped bombs; barrels of explosives and fulminants; red hot -(political) "chestnuts" of the most hackneyed partisan sort; Dead-Sea -apples of the dustiest kind, savouring of sand and strife; fiery -looking Ulster oranges; belated (parliamentary) pairs, and seething -bowls of raw and vitriolic party spirit, that made the chamber dim, -dank, and malodorous with their heady steam. In uneasy state upon this -extraordinary conglomerate couch or throne, there sat an ogreish giant -of pantomimic size and bogeyishly menacing expression, portentous to -see; who bore a smokily-flaring torch, in shape not unlike an Anarch's -beacon or Fury's bale-fire, and held it up, high up, to shed its lurid -light on SADSTONE, as he came peeping round the door. - -"Come in!" exclaimed the Ghoul-Ghost. "Come in, and know me better, -(G. O.) Man!" - -SADSTONE entered timidly, and hung his head before the Spirit. He was -hardly the dogged SADSTONE he had been, and the Spirit's eyes were so -glowering and ungenial, he did not like to meet them. - -"I am the Spirit of Christmas Present," said the apparition. "Look -upon me!" - -SADSTONE sorrowfully did so. It was clothed in one simple -emerald-green robe or mantle, bordered with buff fur of the dull -tint dear to the old Scotch Whig. This garment hung so loosely on -the figure that its capacious breast was bare, as if disdaining to -be warded or concealed by any artifice. On its head it wore no other -covering than a wreath of shamrock, set here and there with a thistle. -Its dull black curls were long and elf-like and weird; weird as its -frowning face, its staring eye, its clenched hand, its raucous voice, -its despotic demeanour, and its gloomy air. Girded round its middle -was an antique scabbard, holding a huge two-handed sword; the -blade, ready to leap from its sheath, seemed a most unsuitable and -unseasonable adjunct to what mankind has been wont to regard as the -gentle and genial Spirit of Peace and Goodwill. - -"You have never seen the like of _Me_ before!" exclaimed the Spirit. - -"_Ne-e-ver!_" SADSTONE made answer to it, in accents stammering -somewhat, yet most emphatic. - -[Illustration: THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT. - -(_Suggested by John Leech's Picture._) - -"COME IN, AND KNOW ME BETTER, (G. O.) MAN!"] - - * * * * * - -DISTORTED MERCY. - -[Illustration: IT] _is New Year's Eve. In a comfortable arm-chair -by the fire sits the_ Metropolitan Magistrate. _He smiles in -self-complacency. He speaks:--_ - -This year I have most faithfully fulfilled my duty; the spirit of -sweet leniency has marked my every sentence--at least toward the more -flagitious and inhuman offender. Thus have I, in place of punishing, -won over to more virtuous ways; so may I doze the cheerful, -self-admiring doze of virtue. - - [_He dozes. Gathering from the comfortable reflections of the - fire and lamp thrown from the polished furniture, a radiant - form shapes itself at his elbow. The_ Magistrate _smiles in - his sleep, in great content_. - -_The Metropolitan Magistrate._ Who art thou, visitant? - -_The Form._ I am the Spirit of thy Leniency. I come to show thee -how fair and flattering a result thy milder sentences--to wit, those -passed upon the more outrageous culprits--have yielded. See! (_Waves -a wand._) This is he who came before thy judgment seat for--after -repeated warning--selling milk from premises teeming with scarlet -fever. Thou didst say, "_It is the grossest, and most shocking case -of brutal disregard for human life I ever heard!_" and thereupon didst -fine him half-a-crown--the minimum penalty. - -_M. Mag._ (_with affectionate interest_). And since? How farest now, -thou naughty one? - -_Milk Criminal._ O most blessed Magistrate and sweet Your Worship, I -fare most happily; for, most comfortably encouraged by your gracious -leniency, I did redouble--nay, multiply an hundred times--mine efforts -to disseminate disease; so that I may, without undue boasting, claim -to be father of an epidemic that felled its hundreds. And further, in -the doing of this I have heaped up a most goodly pile of gold. Give me -your blessing, most sympathetic Your Worship! - -_M. Mag._ (_recoiling_). Nay; mine intentions looked not toward so -dire result! I cannot bless---- - -_The Spirit._ How, good Stipendiary? Dost thou now disown me, thine -own Spirit? Thou must surely bless thy _protégé_, him who but carries -out thy methods to their logical result! And see, I summon others of -thy choice; this good butcher who hath sent unwholesome meat to -London to feed the poor. Thou didst say of him, "_A most inhuman, -ill-conditioned knave and rascal; a constructive homicide! I will not -imprison him, but fine him seven shillings._" And again, see this good -rough who kicked a constable nearly to death; thou saidst of him, "_A -miscreant unfit to live. A savage worse than any tiger! One shilling -fine._" Then finding he could not pay without foregoing his accustomed -gin, thy heart relented, and thou didst discharge him. Then again, -here have we this fair hawker who kicked his donkey's legs and so -belaboured him with cudgels that he left no bone unbroken; thou -saidst of him, "_An act more horrible and sickening could scarce be -perpetrated by a fiend!_" Then, with a gentle caution, thou didst set -him free. - -_M. Mag._ But tell me, prithee, what the outcome was of these my -leniences. Did results not justify----? - -_The Butcher._ Oh, yes, indeed, in my case! Taking courage, seeing -that justice was so linked with mercy, I did extend most energetically -my little venture in unwholesome meat, and now am rich, and have been -made a lord. - -_The Rough._ And since your clemency, O sweet your Worship, I've -kicked to death some dozens of assorted victims--policemen, girls, and -infants. - -_The Hawker._ And I---- - -_M. Mag._ (_writhing_). Oh, peace, and spare me! Get ye gone! - -_The Criminals._ What? This is passing strange! You will not bless the -work yourself have fostered? - -_M. Mag._ (_tearing his hair_). _I_ fostered? _I_, the gentle -magistrate, the soul of clemency----? - -_The Spirit._ Come, bless thy chosen clients! - - [_With a shriek the_ Metropolitan Magistrate _awakes from - his doze. He is haggard; his eye is bloodshot with horror. He - speaks, shuddering:--_ - -What are these hideous crimes that I have done, mistaking them for -mercy? How unworthy am I to touch so sweet an attribute, distorting -and most basely turning it from its appointed course! There chime the -bells. Let them proclaim how, in the coming year they usher in, I -will essay to win this fair, sweet attribute entrusted to me, and so -misshapen by my cruelties, back to her rightful form! I will begin by -showing mercy unto Mercy's self. - - * * * * * - -A STUDY IN BROWN. - - I've caught you, hazel-eyed brunette, day-dreaming, chin on hand! - Don't think, now, that my stolen sketch is bold and contraband! - Nay, rather, 'tis the _duty_ that's imposed on ev'ry beauty, - To grant that with respectful glance her profile may be scanned. - - To picture such a wealth of brown would VANDYCK'S self delight; - Brown eyes I see, and waving hair, brown as a summer night. - _I_ cannot do you justice, but this thumb-nail sketch, I trust, is - A deep brown-study rendered into simple black and white. - - In reverie reflective, has your wayward fancy strayed, - It may be, to last summer's tryst in some wild English glade, - Or old-world forest-garden, where, like _Rosalind_ in Arden, - Your troth you plighted, or, love-lorn, outmourned the Nut-brown Maid? - - [Illustration] - - You're wand'ring in Mahatma-land, and counting astral sheep? - And gathering wool that never grew, a Brownie-led _Bo-peep_, - Or, possibly, pursuant of an Ego playing truant. - And lost amid the labyrinth of dim hypnotic sleep? - - For all I know, you're musing in this meditative trance - On modern and sublunar joys, as dinner, dress, and dance! - Or is it _toothache_ merely that--well, makes you stare so queerly? - (Somehow I ne'er _can_ draw the line 'twixt bathos and romance!) - - If thus I seem inquisitive, don't kill me with a frown! - Though times are hard, in vulgar phrase, I'll plank my money down! - Your train of thought to share (if you'll accept a penny-tariff), - I tender, with my compliments, the coin that's called a "brown"! - - * * * * * - -PRODIGIOUS! - -TO MR. PUNCH,--Sir,--I appeal to you. Ought scientific papers to be -allowed to publish incitements to bloodshed and anarchy? I have just -read in one an enthusiastic commendation of "an agitator working at -280 revolutions per minute." This agitator is, it appears, closely -connected with an "annihilator." It is true that the annihilator is a -smoke-annihilator, and the agitator is part of its machinery; but who -knows what influence may be exerted upon weak minds at such a time as -this by the use of these awful terms? Is the Home Secretary asleep? - - Yours, - A PATRIOT. - - * * * * * - -MYSTERIOUS.--In _Sala's Journal_ for December 13 the advertisement of -the Christmas Number announces that "arrangements have been made for -publishing the Portraits of the Contributors at the commencement of -their respective articles. This, it is believed, will prove a very -interesting feature." No doubt. But _which_ "feature," and _whose_ -"feature," and to which contributor will "the very interesting -feature" in the portrait belong? They cannot surely have only one -feature among them! Among the special contributors, each of course -with distinctive features, are Sir AUGUSTUS HARRIS, Mr. SUTHERLAND -EDWARDS, Mr. ARTHUR À BECKETT, and Mr. DAVENPORT ADAMS. Excellent -company each, with most interesting features. But which feature is to -be taken as representing the lot? "Nose?" Well, there's point in that. -"Cheek?" Ahem! Will it be "All their eye?" Evidently the only way -of satisfying curiosity is to purchase a copy of _S. J.'s_ Christmas -Number. - - * * * * * - -SEASONABLE RIDDLE.--When does a turkey look a goose?--When quite by -himself he has to face a party of twenty-four. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: INHUMAN. - -_Sportsman_ (_who has caught Brown's mare_). "NOW THEN! THIS WAY OUT, -SIR, THIS WAY OUT!" _Brown_ (_who has already swallowed about a quart -of mud and water_). "B--B--BUT IT'S DEEP!" _Sportsman_ (_impatient_). -"CONFOUND IT, MAN! DO YOU EXPECT ME TO FETCH A BOAT?"] - - -CHRISTMAS HAMPERS. - -_For the Czar._--Alliances--French and Triple. - -_For the Kaiser._--"The Great Revenge." - -_For the King of Italy._--The Military Estimates. - -_For the King of Greece._--The Adjustment of the National Revenue. - -_For the President of the French Republic._--The Legacy of CARNOT the -First. - -_For the President of the United States._--Protected Free Trade. - -_For the Sultan._--The Khedive. - -_For the Khedive._--The Sultan. - -_For the Premier._--His followers. - -_For the Foreign Secretary._--His colleagues. - -_For the Chancellor of the Exchequer._--The coming Budget. - -_For the Home Secretary._--Trafalgar Square. - -_For the Colonial Secretary._--South Africa. - -_For the Postmaster-General._--Cards for Christmas and the New Year. - -_For the War Office._--The Admiralty. - -_For the Admiralty._--The War Office. - -_For the Theatre-Managers._--The Clerk of the Weather. - -_For the Music-Hall Proprietors._--The London County Council. - -_For the London Public._--The Paving Contractors. - -_For the Bar._--The Solicitors. - -_For the Solicitors._--Reluctant Litigants. - -_For the Stockbrokers._--The State of the City. - -_For the Poor._--The Condition of the Money Market. - -_And for the World in general and Britons in particular._--The -Influenza. - - * * * * * - -THE KISS THAT COSTS. - - [A fair plaintiff, who brought a breach of promise action - worth under ordinary circumstances at least £1000, had to be - content with £100 because she had in the meantime been kissed - by a new suitor.] - - The gorse is out in kissing time, - And that is always--so the saw. - But know from henceforth (and this rhyme) - This does not follow in the Law. - For she, who, jilted by her swain, - Brings him to Court, and braves the laughter, - Must--if she longs for gold--refrain - From kissing Number Two--till after! - - * * * * * - -A Little Girl's Christmas Story. - - Polly! | Folly! - Holly! | (Gobbles!) - Jolly! | Colly - Dolly! | (Wobbles!) - - * * * * * - -OUR BARTERERS.--SIDEBOARD.--I have a magnificent-looking article, made -of unseasoned deal, coloured to resemble walnut. As great care has -been taken to imitate a really first-class piece of furniture by a -good maker, it is hoped that the fact that the wood is certain to -split and warp, that the drawers jam, that the keyholes are dummies, -and that the whole is a piece of cunning shoddy, will escape the -attention of the average purchasing idiot. What offers? - - * * * * * - -TO PICKWICKIAN STUDENTS.--Of what class of persons is it recorded in -_Pickwick_ that "their looks are not prepossessing and their manners -are peculiar"? - - * * * * * - -THE CRY OF THE CIVIC TURTLE. - - 'Twas the voice of the Turtle, I heard him complain, - "You would wake me! Be off!! Let me slumber again! - Your 'Royal Commission on Unification' - Be ----!" something that seemed to convey commination. - "_I_ shan't 'tender evidence'--hang it, not I!-- - Why I, as a separate body, should die! - I've power, prosperity, plumpness, and pelf; - If you want an 'Amalgam'--why, mix it yourself!" - - * * * * * - -Feminine Saturnalia. - - [Miss KLUMPKE has just achieved a great triumph with a learned - treatise on the Rings of Saturn.] - - Oh! maiden, learned, wise, you can - To froward woman prove a pattern, - You pay your due respect to Man - By writing up the Rings--of Saturn! - - * * * * * - -NEW PRANDIAL PROVERBS.--What's underdone can't be helped. A bird in a -pie is worth two in a dish. Apollinaris (or any other) water in time -saves wine. The early guest gets it hot. It is never too late to dine. - - * * * * * - -A TRUTH IN SEASON.--What would Christmas be without the Cracker? -Messrs. G. SPARAGNAPANE have their reply ready with their "Cracker -Skirt-Dancer" and their "May Blossom" (so nice in December), which is -a pleasant souvenir of _The_ Wedding. Of course, all these crackers -will "go off" well! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: INDEX] - - ADAPTED, 64 - - Ad Fratrem, 3 - - Adventures of Picklock Holes (The), 69, 76, 85, 100, 168, 213, 289, - 301 - - Advertiser's Appeal, 270 - - Afternoon Party (An), 13 - - "After the Ball" in Paris, 297 - - After the Call, 243 - - Alexander and Diogenes, 162 - - Anacreontics for All, 273 - - Angels, 186 - - Another Scene at the Play, 64 - - Argentina, 226 - - Arriet on Labour, 88 - - "Art of 'Savoy Fare'" (The), 204 - - At Covent Garden last Thursday, 37 - - At the Sea-Side Church Parade, 73 - - At the Shaftesbury, 123 - - At the World's Water-Show, 40 - - Australian A B C (An), 57 - - Australia the (without) Golden, 94 - - BABES on the Treasury Bench (The), 255 - - Balfour's Boon, 101 - - Ballad (A), 262 - - "Ballade Joyeuse," 106 - - Ballade of Earlscourt, 57 - - Ballade of Lost Repartees, 142 - - Ballad of Departed Pippins (The), 41 - - Ball versus Ball, 297 - - Bank Holiday Beauty, 292 - - Behemoth and the Lion, 182 - - Belfry of Bruges Overlooked (The), 274 - - Bicycle built for Two (A), 258 - - Birds of Pray, 219 - - Bishop Bobadil, 166 - - Bitter Cry of the Broken-Voiced Chorister, 37 - - Black Shadow (The), 210 - - Blue Belles of Scotland (The), 298 - - Bobo, 178 - - Bogus Manager's Vade Mecum (The), 237 - - "Book that Failed" (The), 123 - - Brick-à-Brac, 195 - - Bright and Beautiful Working Man, 192 - - British Athletes Vade Mecum (The), 82 - - Brown Study in Autumn Tints (A), 109 - - Burden of Burdon Sanderson, 142 - - Business, 246 - - "But that's another Story," 225 - - CABMAN'S Guide to Politeness, 209, 225 - - Carr-Actors at "The Comedy," 185 - - Cause and Effect, 245 - - Central Hall of the Law Courts (The), 217 - - Champion Shaver (The), 282 - - Chance for the Briefless (A), 274 - - Change of Partners (A), 279 - - Christmas Hampers, 310 - - City Horse (The), 190 - - Closure at Home (The), 61 - - Coal and Wood, 257 - - Cockney on a Great Collection (A), 252 - - Connected with the Press, 77 - - Conversation-Book for Candidates, 258 - - Conversion à la Mode, 121 - - Cophetua, L.C.C., 113 - - County Council's Progressive Programme (The), 300 - - Cream of the Cream, 219 - - Cricket across the Channel, 61 - - Cricket Congratulations, 70 - - Croquet, 87 - - Crowning the Edifice, 153 - - Cry of the Civic Turtle (The), 310 - - Cure-ious! 99 - - DALY Dream (A), 180 - - Damon out of Date, 205 - - Dance till Dawn, 16 - - Danger! 85 - - Dark Continent in Two Lights (The), 226 - - Decayed Industry (A), 82 - - Deptford hath its Darling, 273 - - "Devil's Advocate" (The), 51 - - Diary à la Russe (A), 193 - - Directors' Vade Mecum (The), 49 - - Distorted Mercy, 309 - - Ditty of the Dog-Days (A), 17 - - Diver (The), 98 - - Double Entente, 228 - - Drama College, 192 - - Dr. Dulcamara Up to Date, 218 - - Dream-Book for Would-be Travellers, 65 - - Ducal Doings, 292 - - "Due South," 137, 145, 157, 169 - - EFFEMINACY of the Age, 97 - - 1893; or, the Government Guillotine, 2 - - Englishman in Paris (The), 77 - - Essence of Parliament, 11, 22, 34, 46, 58, 70, 82, 94, 106, 118, 130, - 142, 154, 226, 238, 250, 262, 274, 286, 298, 302 - - European Crisis Averted! 273 - - Examination Paper for Ladies, 45 - - Expostulation (An), 216 - - FABIUS Fin-de-Siècle, 225 - - Fallen Art (A), 25 - - "Fantastic" Action (A), 192 - - Farewell! 190 - - Fashionable Intelligence, 51 - - Father William, 18 - - Feminine Triumph (A), 277 - - "Flibbertigibbet," 261 - - Fool with a Gun (The), 159 - - "Forlorn Hope" (The), 150 - - Fragments from a Franco-Russian Phrase-Book, 197 - - French Flag (The), 228 - - French Wolf and the Siamese Lamb (The), 54 - - From Colchester, 111 - - From Grave to Gay, 89 - - From Our Island Special, 58 - - From Professor Muddle, 34 - - Future of Home Rule (The), 245 - - GAME of Chance (A), 285 - - Gingham-Grabber (The), 237 - - Going to the Country, 120 - - Golden Memories, 141 - - Good Luck to it! 253 - - "Good Sir John!", 166 - - Great African Lion-Tamer (The), 230 - - HANDY Boy (The), 246 - - "Hark! I hear the Sound of Coaches!", 255 - - Haunted! 101 - - Health-Seeker's Vade Mecum (The), 1 - - Height of Comfort (The), 241 - - "Here's to the Client," 63 - - Her Sailor Hat, 101 - - Highland "Caddie," 122 - - Highly Probable, 282 - - "History (nearly) repeats itself," 261 - - History Repeats Itself, 154 - - Home Rails, 243 - - How to Write a Cheap Christmas Number, 265 - - "Hymen Hymenæe!" 6 - - IDEAL Conversation (The), 159 - - Ideal Drama (The), 202 - - In Black and White, 225 - - Inquiry (An), 233 - - Intelligence à l'Americaine, 10 - - JOHN Bull's Naval Vade Mecum, 118 - - John Tyndall, 277 - - Jolly Young Watermaids (The), 156 - - Just Cause, 25 - - KISS that Costs (The), 310 - - LATEST Autumn Fashion (The), 228 - - Latest Crisis (The), 61 - - Latest Parisian Romance (The), 33 - - Law and Justice v. Duty "done," 286 - - Lawyer's Chortle (A), 205 - - Lay of the "Ancient" (The), 101 - - Lays of Modern Home, 33 - - Lesson for Labour (A), 138 - - Letter Home (A), 183 - - Letters for the Silly Season, 111 - - Letters to Abstractions, 97 - - Life (and Death) in South America, 158 - - Lines on (and off) an Italian Mule, 141 - - Little Bill-ee, 114 - - Little Master Minority, 198 - - Little Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe, 86 - - Lobengula's Letter-Bag, 257 - - London Pest (A), 25 - - London School-Board Vade Mecum (The), 165 - - Lord Chancellor's Song (The), 289 - - Lost Smell (The), 274 - - Love and Law, 142 - - Love's Labour's Lost, 86 - - "L'Union fait la--Farce!", 186 - - MAGIC and Manufactures, 245 - - Making them Useful, 90 - - Man in the South (The), 129 - - Man Makes the Tailor (The), 53 - - March in November, 234 - - "Masterly Inactivity," 174 - - Mature Charms, 261 - - May and December, 305 - - Meeting of the Anti-Biographers, 105 - - Message from the Sea (A), 294 - - Misnomer, 228 - - Misty Crystal (A), 214 - - Moan of a Theatre-Manager (The), 41 - - Moan of the Minor Poet (The), 42 - - Modern Medusa (The), 270 - - Modern Nymph's Reply to the Passionate Shepherd (The), 16 - - Mot by a Member, 222 - - Mr. Punch's Appeal--to Coal-Owners, Miners, and all whom it may - Concern, 170 - - Mrs. Nickleby in the Chair, 30 - - Murch Praised, 277 - - Muscular Education, 37 - - Music and Law, 293 - - Music for the Multitude, 49 - - "My Cummerbund," 153 - - My Gardeneress, 93 - - My Landlord, 193 - - My Pretty June, at a Later Season, 189 - - Mystified, 216 - - My Tenant, 193 - - NAME! Name! 226 - - Names for Other Names, 174 - - Nautical Economy, 285 - - N.B.! 214 - - New King Coal, 74 - - New King Coal Corrected, 118 - - New Lights for Old, 273 - - New Version, 273 - - New Year's Eve at Latterday Hall, 304 - - Ninth of November (The), 238 - - Noble Organ-grinder (The), 217 - - No Raison d'être! 216 - - Not a Fair Exchange, 177 - - Note by our own Philosopher, 207 - - Novel Show (A), 121 - - "OBERLAND" Route (The), 221 - - Ode de Knill--and Co., 25 - - Ode of Odours (An), 292 - - Old "Adelphi Triumph" (An), 117 - - Old and New School for Scandal, 249 - - Old Man's Musings (An), 10 - - One of the Maxims of Civilisation, 261 - - "One-Horse" Householder, 89 - - 1,000,000 A.D., 250 - - Only Fancy! 93 - - Operatic Notes, 5, 17 - - Ornithological Outburst (An), 257 - - Orator "Pour Rire" (An), 21 - - Our Barterers, 294, 310 - - Our Booking-Office, 9, 52, 154, 198, 209, 237, 249, 253, 265, 285, - 293, 305 - - Our Opera, 25 - - "Over the Hills and Far Away!", 126 - - "PAINLESS Dentistry," 133 - - Palinode, 258 - - "Paper of the Day after To-morrow" (The), 229 - - "Pas Même Académecien!" 162 - - "Pictures from 'Punch,'" 177 - - "Piece and War!" at Drury Lane, 149 - - Playing the Deuce at the Haymarket, 161 - - "Play is not the Thing" (The), 22 - - Plea for Pleading's (A), 277 - - Poison in the Pump, 281 - - Police Phrase-Book (The), 16 - - Politics in South America, 125 - - Popular Songs re-sung, 73, 241 - - Precept and Practice, 213 - - Preparing for Christmas, 226 - - Prince Alexander of Battenberg, 253 - - Profession of Journalism (The), 222 - - Prophetic Diary of the L. C. C., 16 - - Proprietors' Vade Mecum (The), 46 - - Punch's "God-Speed" to the Pole Seekers, 22 - - Q. E. D., 238 - - Queer Cards, 246 - - Queer English, 34 - - Queer Queries, 36, 37, 135, 240 - - Question of Tint (A), 217 - - "Quiet Pipe" (A), 122 - - Quoth Dunraven, Nevermore! 192 - - RATHER Familiar! 255 - - "Ready, Aye Ready!", 110 - - Reign of Ringlets (The), 158 - - Repartees for the Railway, 202 - - "Resh'prosh'ty," 222 - - Rex Lobengula, 243 - - Rhodes to ----? 225 - - Riflemen--"Form!" 165 - - Rippin', 171 - - Robert at Gildhall, 75 - - Robert at the Manshun House, 17 - - Robert on the Coming Sho, 221 - - Robert's Puzzel, 261 - - Rosebery to the Rescue! 15 - - "Rule, Britannia!", 234 - - Rule of the Sea (The), 57 - - Rules of the Rude (The), 177 - - "SAIL! a Sail!" (A), 78 - - Saint Izaak and his Votaries, 62 - - Schopenhauer Ballads (The), 57, 77 - - Seasonable, 37, 234 - - Seasonable Reflection, 297 - - Seasonable Sayings, 298 - - Seasonable Sonnet, 277 - - Seasonable Vade Mecum (A), 305 - - Seeing the Royal Wedding Presents, 28 - - Self-Help, 205 - - Sax Scotch Pipers (The), 195 - - Shakspeare in London, 264 - - Shooting the Chutes, 73 - - "Single-Handed Run" (A), 267 - - Sir Aquarius to the Rescue! 146 - - Skinners and Skinned, 5 - - "Social Test-Words," 121 - - Song of the Autumn Session (The), 217 - - Song of the Session (The), 3 - - Song of the Shopkeeper (The), 29 - - Sonnet, 111 - - Spirit of Christmas Present (The), 306 - - Star-Gazing, 183 - - Still Wilder Ideas, 94 - - Stormy Petrel (The), 66 - - Stout Singer's Smile (The), 286 - - Striker's Vade Mecum (The), 121 - - Strike-ing Suggestion (A), 228 - - Study in Brown (A), 309 - - Study in Press-Land (A), 149 - - Sub Judice, 3 - - Surgeon-Major Parke, 138 - - Sympathy, 42 - - TALE of the Alhambra (A), 9 - - Tea and Twaddle, 106 - - "Tears, idle Tears!", 264 - - Testimonial Manqué (A), 4 - - Then and Now, 157 - - Three Georges (The), 3 - - Three Jovial Huntsmen (The), 134 - - Three Tartars (The), 141 - - Three V's (The), 210 - - Through the Lock, 42 - - To a Droshky-Driver, 41 - - To a Fine Woman, 66 - - To a Lady, 253 - - To a Lost Friend, 201 - - To a Parisienne, 53 - - To a Swiss Barometer, 64 - - To a Young Friend, aged Seven, 189 - - To Bobby, 297 - - To Doctor Falbe, 141 - - To "Hans Breitmann," 192 - - To Hebe, 229 - - To Marjorie, 273 - - Too Kind by Half, 39 - - To the French Oarsmen, 5 - - To the Sea, 229 - - Tour that never was (The), 75 - - Triolet, 269 - - Trip-lets, 277 - - True French Politeness, 114 - - Trumps for Tramps, 87 - - Trying her Strength, 102 - - Turkish Occupation; or, Visions in Smoke (A), 26 - - Turpin and Trains, 147 - - Timon on Bimetallism, 65 - - "'Twas in Trafalgar"'s Theatre, 293 - - Two Pots, The, 75 - - Two Views of Victory, 233 - - Tyranny of the Unsuitable (The), 269 - - ULSTERICAL Impromptu (An), 228 - - Under the Rose, 112, 124, 136, 148, 160, 172, 184, 196, 208, 220, - 232, 244, 256, 268, 280 - - Under the Roose, 1 - - Union is (Logical) Weakness, 221 - - University Intelligence, 277 - - Upon Julia's Mother, 190 - - "Usual Channel," (The), 90 - - "VARIETY! Va-ri-e-ty!", 279 - - Vision of Royalty (A), 27 - - Visit to Borderland (A), 52 - - "Voces Stellarum," 48 - - Voice of the Thames (The), 45 - - Volunteers' Vade Mecum (The), 29 - - WALK in Devon (A), 202, 214 - - Walking Englishwoman on the Alps, 77 - - War in South America (The), 181 - - Way they have in the City (A), 53 - - "Way they have in the Navy" (The), 41 - - Wear and Tear in Africa, 9 - - Weather Wisdom, 269 - - Were-Wolf (The), 290 - - Westminster Play (The), 293 - - What's in a Name? 33 - - When the "Cat"'s Away, 206 - - Who is it? 93 - - Why Elinor is ever Young, 57 - - Windy Corner at Brighton (A), 297 - - "Wonder-Kid" (A), 269 - - Woodman, spare those Trees! 166 - - Words! Words! Words! 102 - - Word to the Wise Wheelman (A), 219 - - YORKSHIRE Victor, 113 - - You never Wrote, 231 - - -LARGE ENGRAVINGS. - - Alexander and Diogenes, 163 - - "Bicycle built for Two" (A), 259 - - Black Shadow (The), 211 - - "Champion Shaver" (The), 283 - - "Father William," 19 - - "Forlorn Hope" (The), 151 - - French Wolf and the Siamese Lamb (The), 55 - - Handy Boy (The), 247 - - "Hymen Hymenæe!" 7 - - Lesson for "Labour" (A), 139 - - Little Bill-ee! 115 - - Little Master Minority, 199 - - "L'Union fait la--Farce!" 187 - - "Masterly Inactivity," 175 - - "Message from the Sea" (A), 295 - - Modern Medusa (The), 271 - - Mrs. Nickleby in the Chair, 31 - - "Over the Hills and Far Away!" 127 - - Poor Victim (The), 91 - - "Resh'prosh'ty," 223 - - "Rule, Britannia!" 235 - - "Sail! a Sail!" (A), 79 - - Spirit of Christmas Present (The), 307 - - Stormy Petrel (The), 67 - - "Through the Lock," 43 - - Trying her Strength, 103 - - -SMALL ENGRAVINGS. - - Agatha and the Wall-paper, 106 - - "Angels in the House," 47 - - Apple Woman on Lady Salisbury, 171 - - 'Arry and Foreign Traveller, 12 - - Authority on the "Buffer State" (An), 64 - - Bachelor's Reason for Dancing, 29 - - Baked-Potato Man on the Sands, 166 - - Balfour and Treasury Babes, 254 - - Bather trying to regain his Tent, 109 - - Beater and the Serdlitz Pooder, 257 - - Bertie "catches a Crab," 51 - - British Lion and Matabele Behemoth (The), 182 - - Brown getting out of Stream, 310 - - Brown helping himself to everything, 138 - - Brown's Corporation and its Cause, 22 - - Bulky Bride leaving her Parents, 270 - - Cabby and Clergyman, 168 - - Canon's Introduction to a Lady, 210 - - Chiffonniers on Hampstead Heath, 114 - - Cleveland's Dance with Free Trade, 278 - - "Committee Stage of the Home-Rule Bill," 59 - - Complimenting an After-dinner Speaker, 286 - - Conjugal Trouble about Christmas Present, 190 - - Conscientious Hairdresser (A), 34 - - Corpulent Sportsman's Symptoms, 113 - - Counsel and Facetious Witness, 233 - - County Councillor and Acoustics, 298 - - Critic's Two Reviews (A), 277 - - "Daily Graphic" Weather Lady, 153 - - "Devil's Advocate" (The), 50 - - Dining with the Odds and Ends, 165 - - Divorce stands Lunch to Bankruptcy, 297 - - Doctor Dulcamara and Mr. Punch, 218 - - Doomed Bill (The), 119 - - "Ears off in Front!" 121 - - Electric Light in an Old House, 302 - - Eton Boy and Pater's dear Luncheon, 66 - - Excited Orchestral Conductor, 285 - - Farmer Trencherman and the Curate, 169 - - Father Thames Purified, 95 - - Festive Babies, 282 - - Football Match (A), 299 - - Forgotten his Dress Coat, 25 - - Friends in Editor's Sanctum, 58 - - Gamekeeper and Captain's Language, 70 - - Gate-Boy and Hunting Lady, 207 - - German Teacher of English (A), 28 - - Giant Beetle (The), 201 - - Gladstone's "Long Break," 287 - - Gladstone the Diver, 98 - - Going to Cairo for Cheapness, 281 - - Golf Meeting (A), 191 - - Government Guillotine (The), 2 - - "Happy Family" in Fret-Work (The), 71 - - Harrow Scholar in Good Form, 238 - - Hawkins and Merton at a Restaurant, 178 - - Highland Corporal and Photographer, 86 - - His Ancestor's Portrait, 195 - - His Sister's Match-Maker, 82 - - Holiday Dress in the House, 83 - - Hostess of "Present-Day" Age, 63 - - Housekeeper and Servants' Sweepstakes, 229 - - Housemaid's Translation of "Salve," 222 - - House of Apollo-ticians (A), 143 - - "House Party" at Christmas, 303 - - Icicle made for Two (An), 197 - - Improbable Free Fight in the Lords, 131 - - Indisposed Yachtsman's Resolutions, 65 - - Influenzial House of Commons, 275 - - Inspecting General and Yeoman, 15 - - Irish Curate and the Doctor, 75 - - Izaak Walton and his Votaries, 62 - - "Joey" (Chamberlain) and the Hot Poker, 242 - - Jones's Delicious Drink, 253 - - Jones's visit to Prigglesby Manor, 90 - - Laconic 'Bus-Driver (A), 27 - - Lady Hypatia and the World at Large, 258 - - Lady's Story after the Garden Party, 16 - - Lady Vera flattering an Author, 274 - - Lika Joko's Hunting Scene, 263 - - Little Boy and the Martial Cloak, 117 - - Little Old Woman and her Shoe, 86 - - Local Hatter and Baronet, 94 - - Local Mammoth's Neighbours (The), 292 - - Looking at the Knight's Tomb, 150 - - Lower Creation (The), 105, 111 - - Mamma's Vaccination Sleeves, 3 - - Marian not a fit Servant's Name, 202 - - Master Bull's Sinking Ships, 110 - - Master Jack out for Early Hunting, 154 - - Mr. Punch and Coal-Owner and Miner, 170 - - Mr. Punch at Edinburgh, 179 - - Mr. Sinnick's Love for Babies, 246 - - Mrs. Prickles and "Coals of Fire," 225 - - Mrs. Ramsbotham and the Graces, 162 - - Musicians in the Stalls, 159 - - My Lady and Housemaid's Character, 54 - - Naughty Boy and his Governess, 186 - - Nervous Hunting Man and Lady Rider, 262 - - New King Coal, 74 - - News from the Law Courts, 237 - - Not an Ornamental Bishop, 306 - - Old Adonis and his Bust, 99 - - Old Gent and Galloping Coach-Team, 81 - - Old Huntsman's Law Reading, 291 - - Old Keeper and Red-haired Fisher, 11 - - "Out for an Otter-Day!" 189 - - "Out! Her First Ball!" 1 - - Painter and his Hostess, 78 - - Papa putting on Mamma's Hair, 198 - - Parliamentary Bear-Garden (A), 35 - - Parliamentary Football Match, 266 - - Parliament by Proxy, 227 - - People who don't dine out on Sunday, 130 - - Pheasant Shooting, 203 - - Philanthropist and Small Boy's Parcel, 226 - - Piping Satyr (A), 122 - - Podgers and his Host's Shoes, 147 - - Police Protection for Pianists, 217 - - Portrait of Mr. Mince-Pie, 301 - - Priceless Piece of English Coal (A), 192 - - Railway Traveller and Dog, 177 - - Rhodes, the Lion-Tamer, 230 - - Ringlets again the Fashion, 158 - - Rivals and the Fair Siamese, 38 - - Rosebery to the Rescue! 14 - - Scenes in the City, 239 - - Scotch Counsel and Old Lady, 118 - - Scotchman and the Rector, 45 - - Scottish Political Pipers, 194 - - Sea-side after Visitors are gone, 135 - - Seedy Swell's Watch (A), 5 - - Shadows on the Underground Railway, 181 - - Shaftesbury Fountain (The), 181 - - Shy Couple conversing on the Strike, 234 - - Singing Captain and Ladies, 102 - - Sir Aquarius and the Water-Snake, 146 - - Sir Harry on his Rhinoceros, 216 - - Sir Pompey and the French Baron, 46 - - Sir Pompey's Acts of Charity, 30 - - Sleeping Cat o' Nine Tails, 206 - - Small Boy's Dilemma about Hunting, 267 - - Smart Set at a Party (A), 6 - - Snobley and the Sand Ponies, 123 - - Spelling "Soda-water" with a Syphon, 141 - - Sporting Farmer and 'Arry at the Hunt, 231 - - Sportsman who has made a Mare, 243 - - Spreading Himself Out, 305 - - Squire and his Steward (A), 245 - - Stag-Hunting, 215 - - Stout Lady wanting Wings, 174 - - Sultan and Khedive Smoking, 26 - - Tailor's Lobengulous Customer, 250 - - Telephoning Twins (The), 255 - - Three Ministerial Huntsmen (The), 134 - - Tiger and Bear at the Club, 173 - - Tipsy Gent and Baker's Boy, 53 - - Tipsy Undergraduate and the Major, 214 - - Tommy's Ultimatum to his Nurse, 18 - - Tourist Season (The), 107 - - Tourist who didn't Shoot Anybody, 219 - - Trafalgar Square of the Future, 251 - - Two Golfers, 145 - - Two Ladies and the Piano, 42 - - Two Swells in the Rain, 193 - - Two Unknown Painters, 61 - - Very Nice to Departing Guests, 294 - - Vicar's Cook and a Saved Sole, 142 - - Wandering Minstrel and Sea-side Beauties, 126 - - Wanting a Table d'Oat Dinner, 205 - - Week of the Year (The), 23 - - Were-Wolf of Anarchy (The), 290 - - Who would be an M.P.? 155 - - Who would not be an M.P.? 167 - - Young Lady Making "Dinner Eyes," 39 - - Young Lady's Jacket Puzzle, 237 - - Young Muddleigh's Lady Love, 279 - - Young Sportsman and the Bad Shot, 125 - - Young Wife and Horse's Weight, 183 - - Youthful Reprobate and the World, 265 - - Youth who comes Home late (A), 49 - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -LONDON; BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., LIMITED, WHITEFRIARS. - - * * * * * - -Transcriber's Note: - -Page 306: "SANDSTONE" corrected to "SADSTONE", to fit context of -article. - -"... to shed its lurid light on SADSTONE, as he came peeping round -the door." - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. -105 December 30, 1893, by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** - -***** This file should be named 40636-8.txt or 40636-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/0/6/3/40636/ - -Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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