Add files from ibiblio as of 2025-03-08 20:57:20HEADmain

6 files changed, 24 insertions, 2881 deletions

diff --git a/40645-8.txt b/40645-0.txt
index ed8bf29..fe8a586 100644
--- a/40645-8.txt
+++ b/40645-0.txt
@@ -1,38 +1,4 @@
-The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93,
-November 26, 1887 , by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand
-
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
-
-
-
-
-
-Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, November 26, 1887 
-
-
-Author: Various
-
-Editor: F. C. Burnand
-
-Release Date: September 2, 2012  [eBook #40645]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
-
-
-***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
-VOL. 93, NOVEMBER 26, 1887 ***
-
-
-E-text prepared by Wayne Hammond, Malcolm Farmer, and the Online
-Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net)
-
-
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40645 ***
 
 Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
       file which includes the original illustrations.
@@ -98,11 +64,11 @@ distance of my chambers, so I came to the conclusion that I could
 combine the vague superintendence it apparently required with my
 ordinary legal engagements. I found, on a visit to the Institution about
 a fortnight after JOWLER had left, that all seemed to be right, and the
-head _employé_ assured me that if my services were needed, he would send
+head _employé_ assured me that if my services were needed, he would send
 round to me.
 
 "Fortunately since Mr. JOWLER'S departure, Sir," said the head
-_employé_, "we have seen nothing of the Committee of Inspection."
+_employé_, "we have seen nothing of the Committee of Inspection."
 
 He lowered his voice to a tone of the deepest awe as he spoke of the
 mysterious body.
@@ -143,7 +109,7 @@ most delicate point of international usage. I went to my bookshelf and
 hunted for authorities, and was soon deep in Mexican Maritime Law. I was
 searching in its statutes for one dealing with a ship detained by stress
 of weather in quarantine, when I was disturbed by PORTINGTON ushering in
-the head _employé_ from the Institution connected with the Vegetarian
+the head _employé_ from the Institution connected with the Vegetarian
 Movement.
 
 "Very sorry, Sir," said my visitor, "but we are in sad distress. We have
@@ -160,7 +126,7 @@ Inspection are so opposed to any alteration of procedure."
 "Well, well, you must do the best you can," I replied. "You see I am
 very much engaged at this moment."
 
-The chief _employé_, seeming greatly surprised at my lack of excitement,
+The chief _employé_, seeming greatly surprised at my lack of excitement,
 bowed, and withdrew. I was once more deep in my Mexican Maritime Law,
 when PORTINGTON put in his head.
 
@@ -427,7 +393,7 @@ Gallery.
 new material for a second 'popular' volume of prose, to consist of
 'Democratic Vistas' and other pieces."
 
-                                         _Athenæum._
+                                         _Athenæum._
 
   Then I pacified Psyche, and kissed her,
     And tempted her out of her gloom,
@@ -514,9 +480,9 @@ he was awfully iterated."
 
        *       *       *       *       *
 
-A MESS.--What's on the _tapis_ in France? GRÉVY. M. WILSON, who speaks
+A MESS.--What's on the _tapis_ in France? GRÉVY. M. WILSON, who speaks
 Latin with English pronunciation, throws all the blame on his
-father-in-law, and says it's a "_Grévy delictum_."
+father-in-law, and says it's a "_Grévy delictum_."
 
        *       *       *       *       *
 
@@ -587,7 +553,7 @@ and the best adapted to the pockets of most men, specially of the class
 above mentioned, are those forming _Morley's Universal Library_;
 published by ROUTLEDGE AND SONS, which now number about fifty-five
 volumes. BUTLER, BACON, CAVENDISH, COBBETT, DANTE, GOETHE, GOLDSMITH,
-THOMAS-À-KEMPIS, SOPHOCLES, and DE QUINCEY, are all well represented;
+THOMAS-À-KEMPIS, SOPHOCLES, and DE QUINCEY, are all well represented;
 and, following the fashion of the day, were I asked to provide "the
 young man just beginning active life" with a list of the best set of
 books for his study and perusal, I should have no hesitation in
@@ -966,7 +932,7 @@ purposes of the police, join a visit of inspection to dinners chiefly
 associated with bachelors.
 
 5. Every Special Constable (if not already in possession of one) must be
-supplied with a latch-key, under a penalty of £20--payable by his wife.
+supplied with a latch-key, under a penalty of £20--payable by his wife.
 
 6. It is strictly forbidden (and the offence, when proved, will entail a
 sentence of penal servitude for an indefinite period) for a Special
@@ -1030,7 +996,7 @@ Guardians, in time.
 
        *       *       *       *       *
 
-_À PROPOS_ OF A CERTAIN ILLUSTRIOUS SUFFERER.--Who shall
+_À PROPOS_ OF A CERTAIN ILLUSTRIOUS SUFFERER.--Who shall
 decide when Doctors disagree? The Patient. This is the sad Moral,
 MACKENZIE.
 
@@ -1214,7 +1180,7 @@ _From a Distracted Grammarian with "To Be" in his Bonnet._
     You are first of all Persons to me.
 
   At Present my life is Imperfect
-    (Not Irregular, _nota bené_),
+    (Not Irregular, _nota bené_),
   But with you for Auxiliary, dearest,
     How Perfect our Future might be.
 
@@ -1347,7 +1313,7 @@ _The Right-thinking Radical expresses surprise at the intelligence_--
   Indeed! But at some high casement
     Surely you saw him stand,
   Or out from a towering rampart
-    Waving a mailèd hand?
+    Waving a mailèd hand?
 
 _The Unfeeling Unionist rejoins_--
 
@@ -1437,14 +1403,14 @@ quote it for your perusal. Here it is:--
     _Daily Telegraph_, INSTRUCTS a limited number of YOUNG MEN in the
     practical and literary branches of Journalism. Prospectus free.
 
-    An ordinary trained Journalist earns from £300 to £1000 a year.
+    An ordinary trained Journalist earns from £300 to £1000 a year.
 
 That, _Mr. Punch_, is the question I have been asking myself for ever so
 long--"What on earth _am_ I to do with my sons?" And this Mr. DAVID
 ANDERSON, with a message that seems almost too good to be true, comes
 like the radiant genius on to the scene, and says, "Send them to me,
-your Grace, and I'll soon put 'em in the way of making from £300 to
-£1000 a year. What do you think of that?" What do I think of it? Well,
+your Grace, and I'll soon put 'em in the way of making from £300 to
+£1000 a year. What do you think of that?" What do I think of it? Well,
 all I can say is that it sounds to me like an ANDERSON'S Fairy Tale!
 
 Why, there's my elder son, the Marquis, just opened a market gardening
@@ -1481,7 +1447,7 @@ composition is not one that can be readily acquired by anybody.
 Take my own case. I have written a _lever du rideau_ in the shape of a
 farce, a light thing that plays only an hour and three-quarters, and
 though I have submitted it to seventeen managers in succession, I have
-never been able to induce one of them to try it even at a matinée. I
+never been able to induce one of them to try it even at a matinée. I
 have also written a pantomime and left it, endorsed with my title at the
 stage-door of a leading Metropolitan Theatre, from which however,
 notwithstanding that I have made repeated applications for it in person,
@@ -1490,7 +1456,7 @@ journalism is, I am aware, distinct from dramatic literature, and
 this inspires me with confidence. Indeed I shall lose no time in
 communicating with Mr. DAVID ANDERSON and placing my four sons
 unreservedly in his hands. Even if they did not as "trained journalists"
-succeed in realising that brilliant level of £1000 per annum, with which
+succeed in realising that brilliant level of £1000 per annum, with which
 his advertisement so alluringly concludes, they might possibly touch the
 figure half-way, and draw their modest five hundred a-piece. Need I say,
 my dear Mr. Punch, if they did, how they would restore the fortunes of a
@@ -1602,7 +1568,7 @@ for themselves.
 
                  Yours, bursting with importance,      RODERICK TWEDDLE.
 
-P.S.--I have just founded a Piccoviccius Society. The subscription is £2
+P.S.--I have just founded a Piccoviccius Society. The subscription is £2
 2s., paid in advance. Members can read their own papers at any time, and
 have them printed, at a reduced price, in our "Transactions."
 
@@ -1681,7 +1647,7 @@ SCENE FROM ACT I.--_Romeo's Garden in Kent._ ROMEO, BERNARDO.
   _Ber._ Why so thought many; but this JINGULUS
     Is all compassion for the widow's case.
     DODSON and FOGG, his seconds in the realm,
-    Albeit unuséd to the melting mood,
+    Albeit unuséd to the melting mood,
     Do keep turned on, sans intermission,
     Salt pity's main. The people whisper change,
     And what they whisper they are fain to make.
@@ -1737,363 +1703,4 @@ Alternative spellings were retained.
 
 Punctuation was made consistent.
 
-
-
-***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
-93, NOVEMBER 26, 1887 ***
-
-
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40645 ***</div>
 <h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93,
 November 26, 1887 , by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand</h1>
-<p>This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
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-<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, November 26, 1887 </p>
-<p>Author: Various</p>
-<p>Editor: F. C. Burnand</p>
-<p>Release Date: September 2, 2012  [eBook #40645]</p>
-<p>Language: English</p>
-<p>Character set encoding: UTF-8</p>
-<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 93, NOVEMBER 26, 1887 ***</p>
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+<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40645 ***</div>
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diff --git a/40645.txt b/40645.txt
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--- a/40645.txt
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@@ -1,2099 +0,0 @@
-The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93,
-November 26, 1887 , by Various, Edited by F. C. Burnand
-
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
-almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
-re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
-with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
-
-
-
-
-
-Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 93, November 26, 1887 
-
-
-Author: Various
-
-Editor: F. C. Burnand
-
-Release Date: September 2, 2012  [eBook #40645]
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
-
-
-***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
-VOL. 93, NOVEMBER 26, 1887 ***
-
-
-E-text prepared by Wayne Hammond, Malcolm Farmer, and the Online
-Distributed Proofreading Team (http://www.pgdp.net)
-
-
-
-Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
-      file which includes the original illustrations.
-      See 40645-h.htm or 40645-h.zip:
-      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/40645/40645-h/40645-h.htm)
-      or
-      (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/40645/40645-h.zip)
-
-
-
-
-
-PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI
-
-VOL. 93.
-
-November 26, 1887.
-
-
-
-
-PAPERS FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT.
-
-_A Recollection of the Long Vacation._
-
-
-[Illustration]
-
-During the Long Vacation (now happily over) I have been present at my
-chambers a great deal more frequently than some of the men with whom I
-share my rooms. In fact, I may say that I have been constantly the sole
-occupant of the entire set. CHUCKBOB, the well-known authority on
-International Law, has spent September and October in the Highlands, and
-my other friends have been on the Continent. Even PORTINGTON, my
-excellent and admirable clerk, has taken a fortnight's rest at
-Eastend-on-Mud (a pleasant watering-place not many miles from Town),
-where I fancy he spent his well-earned holiday in trying to get up a
-libel action against the Sanitary Board. It is just to say that my
-presence at Pump-Handle Court has not been entirely necessitated by my
-forensic labours. The fact is, that JOWLER, a very dear friend of mine,
-who has some mysterious supervisorship (sanctioned by an eccentric will)
-over an Institution connected with the Vegetarian Movement, was recently
-called away, by his duties as a trustee, to Australia, to look after a
-number of sheep somehow affected and inconvenienced by the increase of
-rabbits in that favourite colony. Being thus for a season expatriated,
-he asked me to look after the Institution connected with the Vegetarian
-Movement, in his place during his absence.
-
-"You will really find the work simple enough," he said on bidding me
-farewell. "You hold my power of attorney, and all you have to do is not
-to quarrel with the Committee of Inspection, who, as you know, can play
-the very dickens with us."
-
-"But what have the Committee of Inspection to do with the place?" I
-asked rather anxiously, as I never like to accept responsibility, so to
-speak, with my eyes blindfolded.
-
-"Oh, you will soon find out," replied JOWLER. "You will pick it up as
-you go along. I shall soon be back--perhaps in six months."
-
-The Institution connected with the Vegetarian Movement was within easy
-distance of my chambers, so I came to the conclusion that I could
-combine the vague superintendence it apparently required with my
-ordinary legal engagements. I found, on a visit to the Institution about
-a fortnight after JOWLER had left, that all seemed to be right, and the
-head _employe_ assured me that if my services were needed, he would send
-round to me.
-
-"Fortunately since Mr. JOWLER'S departure, Sir," said the head
-_employe_, "we have seen nothing of the Committee of Inspection."
-
-He lowered his voice to a tone of the deepest awe as he spoke of the
-mysterious body.
-
-"I am very glad to have seen you, Sir," he continued; "the fact is,
-there may be a number of things I should like to consult you about, and
-I was loth to worry you."
-
-"Oh, not in the least," I replied, airily; "consult me at any time; only
-too glad to give you every assistance in my power."
-
-Upon this, I took my leave, saying as I did, to show that I really knew
-what I was about, that whoever had broken the hall-lamp, which I noticed
-was damaged, should have been made to pay for it.
-
-On my return to my chambers, I found PORTINGTON in a great state of
-excitement. He had actually got a brief for me! A real brief marked with
-a real fee and endorsed by a real firm of Solicitors! I was actually
-retained! MORDAUNT JONES, BROWN AND SNOBKINS! Perhaps the best firm in
-the profession! I was delighted!
-
-"PORTINGTON," I observed when I had regained sufficient control over my
-feelings to speak calmly, "I do not think you will find the names in my
-fee-book?"
-
-"I fancy not, Sir," replied PORTINGTON; "they wanted Mr. CHUCKBOB, only
-I said he was in Scotland, and persuaded--I mean told them you were in,
-and would be glad to look through the papers instead."
-
-"Thank you, PORTINGTON," I answered, as I took the bundle into my own
-special room; "thank you, if they come for them, let me know."
-
-"Certainly, Sir; MORDAUNT JONES, BROWN AND SNOBKINS seemed most anxious
-to have them back."
-
-Once alone I undid the tape and found the matter resolved itself into a
-most delicate point of international usage. I went to my bookshelf and
-hunted for authorities, and was soon deep in Mexican Maritime Law. I was
-searching in its statutes for one dealing with a ship detained by stress
-of weather in quarantine, when I was disturbed by PORTINGTON ushering in
-the head _employe_ from the Institution connected with the Vegetarian
-Movement.
-
-"Very sorry, Sir," said my visitor, "but we are in sad distress. We have
-just received twelve dozen cases of ginger-beer, when the Committee of
-Inspection particularly ordered that only soda-water should be supplied,
-and I really don't know what we shall do."
-
-"Can they not be exchanged for the required liquid?" I asked, looking up
-from my work, a trifle annoyed at the interruption.
-
-"I am afraid that is impossible, Sir. You see that the Committee of
-Inspection are so opposed to any alteration of procedure."
-
-"Well, well, you must do the best you can," I replied. "You see I am
-very much engaged at this moment."
-
-The chief _employe_, seeming greatly surprised at my lack of excitement,
-bowed, and withdrew. I was once more deep in my Mexican Maritime Law,
-when PORTINGTON put in his head.
-
-"Suppose that opinion isn't ready yet, Sir? MORDAUNT, BROWN, JONES AND
-SNOBKINS are waiting for it."
-
-"Ready directly. My compliments, and they can call for it in half an
-hour."
-
-I had just got to the point where I thought I began to comprehend the
-Mexican method of dealing with a fraudulent bill of lading, when I was
-again interrupted. A small boy forced himself in.
-
-"Please you are to come round at once. The chess-boards are out of
-order, and want mending, and there is something wrong with the lift,
-between the kitchen and the dining-room, and----"
-
-"You had no right to intrude, sirrah!" I exclaimed, with haughty
-impatience. "Begone!"
-
-Murmuring something about the Committee of Inspection, "kicking up a
-shindy" the urchin withdrew. Again I dived into Mexican Maritime Law,
-and nearly got hold of the rules governing a sale of cargo for the
-benefit of ship-repairs. I had jotted down a line or two upon the
-brief-paper before me, when the door was again thrown open, and a
-gentleman of immense presence entered.
-
-"I believe you are Mr. JOWLER'S substitute?" he began, without removing
-his hat. I inclined my head and made a gesture with my pen which was
-intended to convey to him the joint ideas that he was to take a chair
-and not to disturb me until I was less preoccupied. He ignored my
-dumb-show. "And that being the case, it is my duty to call your
-attention to the unsatisfactory condition of the chimney-pots of your
-Institution, and to mention the fact that a pane of glass in the pantry
-has been broken, and is still unrepaired."
-
-"Really," I replied, "I am exceedingly busy with a matter of the
-greatest importance, and I must ask you to be so very kind as to call
-again on an occasion when my time is more my own."
-
-The gentleman rose with an air of astonishment so profound that it
-nearly approached an aspect of absolute terror. He gasped for a moment,
-and then asked, in a bone-freezing whisper--
-
-"Do you understand that I am a Member of the Committee of Inspection?"
-
-"I shall be delighted to make your acquaintance on some future
-occasion," I replied, with that easy courtesy that I hope is one of my
-characteristics, and I opened the door for him to pass out.
-
-He got up and with the same expression of profound astonishment left my
-chambers. Once more I dived into Mexican Maritime Law, and was only
-disturbed by a letter sent by hand from the Institution, which I did not
-open, but threw carelessly on the desk before me. I had just got to the
-last point in my opinion when the door was again dashed open and JOWLER
-himself rushed in.
-
-"Why, my dear fellow,----" I began.
-
-"No time to explain," he cried, "Australian visit deferred. Presentiment
-of evil. Came back. What about the Institution?"
-
-I gave an account of my stewardship.
-
-"And this is a letter I got a few minutes ago," I said, when I had
-finished my story, handing the document to my friend who hurriedly
-opened it.
-
-"Good gracious!" he exclaimed, "why it is from a Member of the Committee
-of Inspection complaining of the hall-lamp! Oh! what _have_ you been
-doing?"
-
-"They are all there, Sir!" cried the urchin, returning at the moment out
-of breath from running, "and there's a nice row at the Institution!"
-
-"What the Committee of Inspection!" exclaimed JOWLER, seizing his hat,
-"Oh, what _have_ you been doing? Why the place will be ruined!" And he
-hurried off followed by the urchin.
-
-The next morning I got a letter from JOWLER, saying that he would never
-forgive me, as, by my "want of tact with the Committee of Inspection, I
-had ruined a widow and five small children," and, to make matters worse,
-I have been subsequently informed, in a satirical communication signed
-"MORDAUNT BROWN, JONES AND SNOBKINS," that my opinion is not one they
-can conscientiously adopt without further advice, "as my knowledge of
-Mexican Law seems to be of a superficial description."
-
-It is a painful experience, and none the less painful because I have to
-add it to a number of experiences of a not entirely dissimilar
-character.
-
-                                              A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-"THE GRAND OLD MAN" IN DECEMBER.--Father Christmas.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration:
-
-THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY M.P.
-
-FROM QUIET QUARTERS.
-
-_By-the-Sea, Saturday._]
-
-DEAR TOBY,
-
-I have been intending to write to you for some weeks past, but, really,
-life passes so quickly here, with such gentle rotation of days and
-nights, that a week is over before I realise that I have well entered
-upon it. Besides, I find, in practical experience, that the writing of a
-letter usually involves the receipt of one; and, though I am not bound
-by any rule involving the necessity of reading, or even opening the
-letters that reach me, it is as well to avoid, as far as possible,
-little annoyances of that kind. I write to you because, in your case, I
-make an exception to the rule of my epistolary conduct, and really want
-to hear from you.
-
-The occasion of this solicitude is, that I find chance references in the
-local weekly paper (I never see a daily) to the Irish Question, which
-seem to show that it is in a somewhat unusually perturbed state. I
-daresay if I could make up my mind to open the pile of letters that have
-been accumulating on my desk for the last month or so, I should be able
-to inform myself on the subject? But, if I once began that practice,
-whither would it lead me? I have found, in the course of my public life,
-that the last thing to do with a letter received through the post, is to
-open it. My correspondence, conducted in the main upon that principle,
-answers itself, and thus much labour, and possible friction, are saved.
-
-From the source of intelligence already alluded to, I gather hints that
-the Government are "being firm" in Ireland, that evictions have been
-going on, that there have been conflicts between the police and the
-people, and that even some of my colleagues in the Parliamentary Party
-have been arrested. One paragraph goes so far as to mention the really
-interesting circumstance, that W-LL-M O'BR-N, has been cast into gaol,
-where he sleeps on a plank bed, and that ARTH-R B-LF-R, emulating a
-historic political feat, has stolen his clothes whilst he was sleeping.
-
-This thing is probably an allegory, but it serves to support an opinion
-I have always had with respect to the future of the Conservative
-Government, and which enables me from time to time to stand aside from
-the hurly-burly of active politics. I suppose that what the paragraphist
-really means by the story of stealing O'BR-N'S clothes, is that ARTH-R
-B-LF-R, as representative of Lord S-L-SB-RY'S Government, is coming out
-as an advocate of Home Rule for Ireland. If I misread the allegory, the
-error has but temporary effect. If it is not true to-day it will be true
-to-morrow, or the day after, if only the Liberals have the ill-luck to
-be deprived of precedence in the opportunity. If I never stirred finger
-or raised voice again, Home Rule would be granted to Ireland by whatever
-English Party chances to be in power when the moment is ripe. The ball
-is set spinning, and it would be a mere accident, of no great import to
-me or the Irish people, whether it is the M-RK-SS or GL-DST-NE that
-kicks it into goal.
-
-Hence you will see that though it may strike a superficial observer as
-odd that I, of all men, should, at such a juncture, absent myself from
-the field of battle and hide no one knows where, the course is not so
-unreasonable as it appears. Why should I run the risk of burning my
-fingers by pulling chestnuts out of the fire, when the foremost men in
-English politics vie with each other in the effort to do it for me?
-Amongst the few people with whom I come in contact here I pass for a
-curate of Evangelical views, who, for private reasons, has quitted his
-family and congregation, and tries, ineffectually they slily think, to
-disguise himself by dispensing with clerical garb. I encourage this
-self-deception, and am left free to sit in the sun when there is
-any--and there is really an astonishing amount on this Southern coast in
-November--and when it rains I put up my umbrella. Sometimes I hear on it
-the patter of distant conflicts in Ireland, and open revolt in London.
-These echoes of wild disturbance only make the sweeter my retirement. I
-know that I am foolish to imperil my pastoral peace by inviting a
-communication from you which may confirm the vague reports I have
-alluded to. Still, I am a little curious to know is it _really true_
-that W-LL-M O'BR-N sleeps on a plank bed; that W-LFR-D BL-NT, wearied of
-the long repose of Egyptian affairs, has had his head broken by the
-Royal Irish Constabulary; and that, with a refined cruelty which
-testifies to the innate fiendishness of the Saxon nature, the presiding
-Magistrate at Bow Street Police Court has ruthlessly refused to commit
-for trial that truculent, dangerous personage, Mr. S-ND-RS, whom I
-remember in the House as formerly Member for Hull?
-
-                                     Yours serenely, C. S. P-RN-LL.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-THE WAIL OF THE WIRE.
-
-(_With apologies to the Poet._)
-
-"It is stated that Mr. SWINBURNE'S new poem was cabled to New York."
-
-
-  Had I wist, wailed the wire in sea's hollow,
-    That thousands of lines I should list,
-  Pumped forth by a son of Apollo,
-  I would not have lain here, not I,
-  'Twixt Briton and Yankee a tie:
-  No messages through me should fly,
-      Had I wist.
-
-  Had I wist, they would make me swallow,
-    Huge poems all moonshine and mist,
-  In addition to "speeches" all hollow;
-  They shouldn't have cabled a thing,
-  They shouldn't have used me to wing,
-  Leagues of rhymes that the word-spinners sing,
-      Had I wist.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-VALUABLE OPINION.--We understand that the Authorities have consulted Mr.
-BRIEFLESS, Junior, Q.C., (Queer Counsel) on the right claimed by
-indifferent passers-by to stand between the police and the mob, in view
-of the Chief Commissioner's statement that such passers-by cause the
-chief difficulty in quelling disturbance; The learned Counsel has given
-a lucid opinion to the effect that any mere sightseer may be arrested
-and imprisoned, unless he or she can prove the having come to the spot
-for a riotous or other unlawful object.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-May in November.
-
-(_At the Royalty Theatre._)
-
-  Pieces French they're playing,--
-    Jane's a pretty player,--
-  Come with me a-Maying,
-    Gaily sings the Mayer.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-THE LESSON FOR THE DAY.--At Lowestoft Mr. MUNDELLA spoke well and wisely
-on certain fishery questions. "With regard to outrages," said he, "in
-the North Sea, I counsel English fishermen to suffer wrong rather than
-do wrong, as then they could demand the protection of their industry by
-Government." Why not get the start of the HARTINGTON and GOSCHEN
-Travelling Co. (Limited), and deliver these excellent sentiments in
-Ireland?
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-"The Grosvenor 'Split,'" ought at once to be adopted by the Restaurant
-of that establishment as a title for a special mixed drink. Let Sir
-COUTTS patent it.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-"SPECIAL CONSTABLES."--Those belonging to the Collection in the National
-Gallery.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-"IN THE PRESS."--Mr. O'BRIEN'S clothes.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-'TWILL ILLUME.
-
-(_Poe applied._)
-
-"Mr. WALT WHITMAN has just sent to Mr. ERNEST RHYS, a preface and some
-new material for a second 'popular' volume of prose, to consist of
-'Democratic Vistas' and other pieces."
-
-                                         _Athenaeum._
-
-  Then I pacified Psyche, and kissed her,
-    And tempted her out of her gloom,
-  With the latest Walt-Whitmanish "Vista,"
-    Which Democracy showed as our doom;
-    Our unwelcome but obvious doom.
-  And I said, "How's it written, sweet Sister?"
-    "Is it bosh? Will it be a big boom?"
-  She replied, "'Twill illume, 'twill illume.
-    It is bosh, but quidnuncs 'twill illume!"
-
-    *** Mr. POE, and not _Mr. Punch's_ Poet, is responsible for this
-    Cockney rhyme.
-
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-"CHRISTMAS IS COMING!"--"Tell me not in _Christmas_ Numbers," that
-Christmas is coming. We wish the good old gentleman would not announce
-his intended arrival so long beforehand. Everybody knows, that, like one
-of his own Christmas books, he is "bound to appear" at a certain fixed
-date. Among the first of the heralds on the bookstalls is the Christmas
-Number of the _Penny Illustrated_, price threepence, and well worth the
-money. Mr. LATEY, Junior, arranges a Christmas Literary and Artistic
-Banquet, and every plate has a plateful of Christmas fare. The picture
-entitled "Spoons" and representing two persons in evening-dress slipping
-downstairs--"such a getting downstairs"--in a sitting position, probably
-two amateur Tobogganists, is distinctly humorous. The coloured
-illustration, called _The Christmas Ball_, will be a great favourite
-with boys. If the Early Bird still catches the worm, the Latey one who
-is first in the field with this Christmas number ought to pick up the
-three-pennies.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-LITERARY.--It is announced that _Mr. Snodgrass_ has "thoroughly revised
-his translations from HEINE." We expect next to hear that _Mr. Tracy
-Tupman_ has "Englished" _Catullus_, and that _Mr. Winkle_ is preparing a
-new edition of the _Book of Sports_.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-FLORAL APPEAL TO NOVEMBER.--"Fog-get-me-not!"
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: THE NE PLUS ULTRA.
-
-_Jeames I._ "VERY DANGEROUS PARTIES THESE HUNEMPLOYED! WHY, THEY'RE A
-BEGINNIN' TO DENOUNCE _HUS_!" _Jeames II._ "_NO!_"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration:
-
-"'Twas in Trafalgar's Square."
-
-Nov. 20, 1887.
-
-_Nelson (as Special Constable) sings:_--
-
-"England expects that every man This day will go on Duty!"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-THE LAST OF THE SOLOMONSES.--The final knockdown blow was given to poor
-TUPPER'S _Proverbial Philosophy_ by Mr. JOHN MORLEY, who, in his
-admirable discourse on Aphorisms, described it as a "too famous volume,"
-which "had immense vogue, but it is so vapid, so wordy, so futile, as to
-have a place among the books that dispense with parody." Alas! poor
-TUPPER! _Mr. Punch_ bids thee adieu for ever!
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-Will Mr. LOCKYER turn his attention Eastwards, and inform us if the
-Corporation of the City of London is a "Self-luminous Body"? If so,
-couldn't it be utilised in a fog?
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-Describing the state of mind her Nephew was in on not being able to find
-a stud at the last moment to put in his shirt-front, Mrs. RAM said, "Oh,
-he was awfully iterated."
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-A MESS.--What's on the _tapis_ in France? GREVY. M. WILSON, who speaks
-Latin with English pronunciation, throws all the blame on his
-father-in-law, and says it's a "_Grevy delictum_."
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-"SPECIAL" REASONS:
-
-  _Or, Why They were "Sworn In."_
-
-  _Paterfamilias._ "Because I think it's my duty, as a law-abiding
-          citizen, to set a good example."
-
-  _Mister Tom (his son)._ "Because I must look after the old Governor,
-      and see he doesn't come to grief."
-
-  _Mr. Brown, Q.C._ "Because I'm not going to let those fellows, JONES
-      and ROBINSON, think that I shirk the responsibility."
-
-  _Messrs. Jones, M.D., and Robinson, R.A._ "Because we don't mean to be
-          outdone by that fellow BROWN."
-
-  _The West-end Young Man._ "Because, you know, I think, on the whole,
-          it's the correct thing to do."
-
-  _The Primrose-League Young Man._ "Because I should very much like to
-          have a real chance of giving a Social Democrat a good whack on
-          the head."
-
-  _'Arry._ "Because it's such a prime lark."
-
-  _The General Person._ "Because everybody seems to be doing it."
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-Mem. by a Hater of Premature "Christmassing."
-
-  "Christmas comes but once a year"--
-  But it lasts three months at a stretch, that's clear.
-  _I_ should like to pass the whole quarter in slumbers,
-  To dodge the infliction of--Christmas Numbers!
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-The Great Ochipaway Chief says that he intends to continue selling his
-chips. But he has a log by him with which, as he has kept it for many
-years, he will not part on any account.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-ON A RECENT CASTING VOTE.
-
-  What! How did LYTTON get into the chair!
-  The usual way--he mounted by the STAIR.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-THE REPORT ON THE FIRE AT THE EXETER THEATRE.--"Slow, but SHAW."
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
-
-[Illustration]
-
-For the library shelves of those whom "Providence has _not_ blessed with
-affluence," and who cannot afford first editions or expensive bindings,
-and for the working Journalist's library, the most useful books, the
-most handy, though not belonging to the regular "Handy Volume Series,"
-and the best adapted to the pockets of most men, specially of the class
-above mentioned, are those forming _Morley's Universal Library_;
-published by ROUTLEDGE AND SONS, which now number about fifty-five
-volumes. BUTLER, BACON, CAVENDISH, COBBETT, DANTE, GOETHE, GOLDSMITH,
-THOMAS-A-KEMPIS, SOPHOCLES, and DE QUINCEY, are all well represented;
-and, following the fashion of the day, were I asked to provide "the
-young man just beginning active life" with a list of the best set of
-books for his study and perusal, I should have no hesitation in
-referring him to _Morley's Universal Library_; and I know of no more
-useful present at this Christmas time, or at any other time, than the
-neat and convenient oak cases, a guinea each, made on purpose to contain
-fifteen of the MORLEY volumes. I trust they will go on from year to
-year, and so continue to deserve the title first given them by _Mr.
-Punch_, of the "More-and-Morely Series," which fully expresses a
-constant supply to meet a growing demand.
-
-Long expected come at last! The HENRY IRVING and FRANK MARSHALL
-_Shakspeare_, Vol. I., produced by Messrs. BLACKIE (one of which Firm
-ought evidently to come out as _Othello_) as the Manager of the Lyceum
-always gets up his plays "regardless of expense." The prefaces and
-introductions will delight everyone who acknowledges the force of the
-common-sense opinion, emphatically expressed more than once in _Mr.
-Punch's_ pages, that SHAKSPEARE if acted just "as he is wrote" would not
-suit the taste of an audience of the present day. The taste of the
-modern audience is corrupted by Sensationalism and Materialism in every
-shape and form--and at some theatres Materialism in shape and form is
-one of the main attractions--and so impatient is it of anything like
-development of character by means of dialogue, that it would have most
-plays, no matter whether comedies or melodramas (there are no tragedies
-now, except SHAKSPEARE'S), reduced as nearly as may be to mere ballets
-of action. For the maxim of our audiences in this last quarter of the
-"so-called" Nineteenth Century, as regards the drama, is _Facta non
-verba_; before which imperious command those "who live to please," and
-who "must please to live," are compelled, be they authors or actors, to
-bow, and do their best, speaking as little as possible, so as not to
-give offence.
-
-  "Break, break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue,"
-
-is the cry of any author nowadays who aims at writing a true Comedy. Mr.
-IRVING marks clearly enough all the passages usually omitted in
-representation, which of themselves would make a small volume, but we
-are not shown the arrangement of scenes necessitated by the exigences of
-the stage, or rather by the taste of the audience, and so in this
-respect the plays remain pretty much as their author left them. Some
-stage-directions have been introduced, but as Mr. FRANK MARSHALL denies
-that this is in any sense an "acting edition"--while Mr. IRVING in his
-preface rather seems to imply that in some sense it is so,--I should be
-inclined to describe the work as "a contribution in aid of an acting
-edition," and I am delighted to add, a most valuable contribution it is,
-at least so far. _Ex uno disce omnes_, and if the other volumes are only
-on a par with this first instalment, IRVING and MARSHALL'S--it wouldn't
-do to put MARSHALL first in the Firm, because it would at once suggest,
-"and SNELGROVE" to follow--or this HENRY and FRANK'S edition of
-SHAKSPEARE will be one of the most perfect and the most serviceable to
-the ordinary reader that has as yet been given to the public. In order
-to illustrate the Messrs. BLACKIE'S judicious liberality, Mr. MARSHALL
-tells us that, with the view of making the work more complete by the
-introduction of certain explanations, "they (Messrs. BLACKIE) entirely
-recast all the notes to _Richard the Second_, though they (the notes,
-not Messrs. BLACKIE) had been already stereotyped." Oh, that Theatrical
-Managers would be as wise in their generations as were even these poor
-publishers, and when they see that a piece, SHAKSPEARE'S or anybody
-else's, is in an unsatisfactory state for representation, at once
-"recast it entirely," in spite of all the old "stereotyped" tie-wig
-objections. Mr. IRVING in his preface makes a sort of apology for the
-luxurious extravagance of modern stage decoration. There is no necessity
-for this. The Stage reflects the fashion of the day, and that fashion is
-Materialism. Mr. MARSHALL'S critical remarks on _The Comedy of Errors_,
-_Love's Labour's Lost_, _Romeo and Juliet_, and _Henry the Sixth_, Part
-I., are admirable, difficult subjects being most delicately handled. He
-has no note on the appearance of an "Abbess," and on a scene "in front
-of a Priory," in the first of these plays, of which the action takes
-place about 300 B.C.; but I suppose that, though seldom risking anything
-in a case of importance, he on this occasion consulted the DYCE, and
-concluded that there was some "a priory" argument in favour of the
-existence of Abbesses three hundred years before they were invented. A
-genius like SHAKSPEARE is above time and place. Mr. MARSHALL is of
-opinion (in a footnote, and I think he has here put his foot in it) that
-SHAKSPEARE never descended to sycophancy for the sake of pleasing his
-royal patroness. I shall be curious to see what he has to say on this
-subject when he comes to tackle the characteristic speech given to
-_Cranmer_ in the last scene of _Henry the Eighth_. Mr. MARSHALL dealing
-with _Joan of Arc_, in _Henry the Sixth_, notices how SHAKSPEARE halts
-between two opinions, but decides as a courtier and a man of business
-would have done. The courtier remembers that _Joan_ was not the only
-heroic virgin who had cheered her troops on to victory, but that the
-masculine Queen BESS had also mounted a cock-horse, like the lady of
-Banbury Cross, and had encouraged her soldiers with brave words at
-Tilbury Fort. Where the full-flavoured British Queen had succeeded,
-evidently the humble Gallic peasant maid must fail, at least, on the
-stage. If _Gloriana_ was to be the pride of Old England, _La Pucelle_
-must be held up to _Gloriana's_ subjects as a vile impostor, and a
-witch. SHAKSPEARE would not allow sentiment to interfere with business.
-Most of Mr. GORDON BROWNE'S illustrations are charmingly designed and
-executed, and the prefaces, introductions to SHAKSPEARE'S family
-(managed by F.A.M., Master of the Ceremonies), and critical remarks,
-ought to satisfy the most exacting of Shakspearian students.
-
-[Illustration: "Hist, Romeo, hist!" _R. & J._, Act II., Sc. 2.]
-
-[Illustration: "He bears him like a portly gentleman." _R. & J._, Act
-I., Sc. 4.]
-
-_Prince Lucifer_ (MACMILLAN & CO.) by ALFRED AUSTIN. I do not wish to
-make an ostentatious--or rather, in this instance, Austin-tatious--
-display of my unpoetic nature, but I cannot understand why ALFRED the
-Less chose this name of _Lucifer_ for his hero. The title, for
-advertising purposes, certainly arrests the eye. Of course, as ALFRED
-the Less would say, in his light Lucifer manner--
-
-  "Lucifer," I own to liking; | Names are nothing, if not striking.
-
-And Lucifer is nothing to speak of, if not intended to serve a striking
-purpose. A second title might perhaps have assisted the public to an
-explanation, _Lucifer; or, The Love Match_. _Prince Lucifer_ suggests
-something naughty, and worse--or naughty in werse--for there is nothing
-to assure us beforehand that Mr. AUSTIN'S "Prince of Darkness is a
-gentleman" who wouldn't shock our religious or moral sentiments on any
-account, not even on his own. But though the book could not, perhaps, be
-recommended by Mr. PODSNAP to the "Young Person," yet I should carefully
-consider the intelligent capacity of the Young Person before presenting
-her with such a specimen of "light and misleading" literature as _Prince
-Lucifer_, to judge it only from its title, might Austinsibly be. It
-contains some of Mr. AUSTIN'S best work, and when, in this foggy
-weather, I call for "Light! More light!" I shall be perfectly satisfied
-if they bring me Mr. AUSTIN'S new patent _Lucifer_.
-
-                                      YOUR OWN BARON DE BOOK WORMS.
-
-[Illustration:]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-Albert Hall Concert, Wed., Nov. 16.
-
-  With PATTI, and SANTLEY, and LLOYD,
-    The attraction was great, and it drew
-  An audience muchly annoyed
-    By a fog they could scarcely see through.
-  "Big House"--it was choke-full ... of fog,
-    Which kept a good many away.
-  Too bad, for a "dead-head" is Fog,--
-    Comes in free. Mister Fog doesn't pay.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-A CONFESSOR'S COSTUME.--Under a system of prison discipline admitting of
-no distinction of prisoners, Mr. W. O'BRIEN, confined in Tullamore Gaol,
-complains that he has been deprived of the clothes which he prefers to
-the prison uniform. Some sympathy is due to a misguided gentleman
-divested of decent habiliments; but the grievance which he has
-injudiciously brought upon himself is one for which he will sooner or
-later, at least if he pleases, be enabled to obtain redress.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-L. C. & D. v. S. E.
-
-  Says WATKIN, "This, FORBES,
-  Makes us open our orbs!"
-
-  "Your orbs," FORBES replies,
-  "And your pockets likewise."
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-OUR DEBATING CLUB.
-
-With the fall of the leaf, and the first touch of fog in the atmosphere,
-it has been the time-honoured practice of the "Gargoyle" Club, ever
-since its establishment eighteen months ago, to resume the sittings,
-temporarily suspended during the Summer. The "Gargoyles" are, I should
-explain, an assembly of earnest, thoughtful young men, who arrange to
-meet upon one evening in the week for purposes of mental friction, and
-the discussion of the social questions of the day. We have a President,
-an Honorary Secretary, a ballot-box, a balance-sheet, a printer's bill,
-and, in short, everything handsome about us. It is the custom to consume
-tobacco, in some form, during our meetings--except in the case of a
-member who is actually upon his legs addressing the house, when
-etiquette, and indeed convenience, require him to abstain for the time
-being. It is, perhaps, this rule which restricts several of us
-(including the writer) from expressing our sentiments in any sustained
-form. For myself, indeed, I am the victim of a diffidence at present
-unconquerable; it costs me an inconceivable effort to say even as much
-as "hear-hear," and accordingly I listen and learn, making copious notes
-for future edification, and coming away on each occasion with a strong
-flavour of tobacco, and the consciousness that, intellectually speaking,
-the evening has been by no means wasted. These notes I am now enabled,
-by the express sanction of a majority of the members (who considered it
-only right that some suggestive crumbs from our feasts of reason should
-be conceded to the outer world) to communicate through the medium of
-_Mr. Punch_. We could, perhaps, have preferred a journal with a higher
-reputation for seriousness, but the truth is that the daily papers
-declined, by common consent, to report our proceedings, on the plea that
-they were "not of sufficient public interest;" and we therefore decided
-to waive the obvious disadvantages of association with a paper of whose
-tone we do not always or entirely approve, in consideration of placing
-ourselves in touch with a section of the public who are too little apt
-to give any serious attention to improving topics.
-
-The Editor, somewhat autocratically, has reserved the right of
-condensation and selection, although it has been pointed out to him
-that--without adding a single extra sheet to his number--ample space
-could be afforded for a full report (which I would undertake to furnish)
-of our debates were the simple expedient adopted of temporarily
-discontinuing the Cartoon in our favour. Popular as we cannot but think
-such a step would be, we gravely fear that it will not be taken--unless
-some pressure is brought to bear from outside. It is something, perhaps,
-even to have gained as much as we have; something that, amidst the
-shrill squeak and frivolous chuckle of _Punch_, will be heard from time
-to time the deeper, graver notes of the Gargoyle Club. We are not
-enemies of fun; we only think that there may be many, like ourselves,
-who consider it possible to have too much of it. The Editor, we are glad
-to admit at once, seems quite to recognise the sincerity of our desire
-to raise the tone of his periodical, and is willing to allow us to try
-the experiment--though he expresses a doubt whether these contributions
-will have quite the effect we anticipate. We shall see. In the meantime,
-I must preface my first notes, taken last Session, by a short sketch of
-
-PINCENEY, OUR PRESIDENT.
-
-PINCENEY possesses a mind, perhaps the most comprehensive in all
-Paddington. I have known him--I wish I could say intimately--now for
-over nine months, and I can confidently assert that I have never yet
-heard him confess to ignorance of any department of human knowledge, of
-any branch of modern thought! In intellectual stature he towers miles
-above us all, and weekly increases that altitude under our very eyes by
-drinking two bottles of some sparkling beverage composed of phosphates.
-He is coldly tolerant of the world's failings, and is understood to
-confine himself to a fish diet. He speaks little, but that little falls
-with immense weight. PINCENEY is not genial, or, indeed social of
-manner--he suffers us, but not gladly--listening to each speaker with
-conscientious attention, as if it was always possible that he might
-utter something not immeasurably below contempt before he sat down. He
-has a little bell by which he warns the wanderer, and paralyses the
-prolix, and his preliminary caress of this bell is a rebuke in itself.
-It would be too much to say that PINCENEY is popular amongst his fellow
-Gargoyles; he neither courts nor desires popularity. Indeed, he ranges
-somewhat too much apart, and goes home alone by the Underground the
-moment his duties are concluded. But he is greatly respected, and if we
-feel, as we sometimes do feel, that his standard is rather too high and
-exacting, at other times the consciousness acts upon us as a decided
-incentive.
-
-OUR VICE-PRESIDENT.
-
-HARTUPP, our Vice-President, is of a very different mental calibre and
-disposition. He is of a warm and enthusiastic temperament, and endowed
-with a lava-like flow of eloquence. HARTUPP is showy, but, as he would
-be the first to admit himself, a trifle superficial. He is at present
-articled to a solicitor, but he is more calculated to shine at the Bar,
-where fervour has a freer scope than in an office. He melts and thrills
-us by turns, speaking without preparation and without notes, for which
-he apologises in carefully constructed sentences. Altogether, HARTUPP is
-one of our most distinguished Gargoyles. I may add that he lives at
-Notting Hill with his mother.
-
-OUR HONORARY SECRETARY.
-
-Mr. FREDERICK FADELL, is one of our most energetic and useful members.
-He is the only one (except perhaps PINCENEY) who possesses anything like
-a working acquaintance with all the rules. He is a Barrister-at-Law, and
-finds his chambers very useful for preparing minutes and sending out
-notices relative to the business of the Club. FADELL is no great orator,
-though he can speak with some fluency to a point of order. What he
-_really_ enjoys is superintending an election by ballot. During our
-debates he steals about with an air of mystery, conducting long
-conversations in a whisper with such members as he wishes to induce to
-join in the discussion. His whole existence is bound up in the Gargoyle
-Club, and he is deeply alive to the responsibilities of his position.
-
-With these preliminary introductions, the Public must be perforce
-contented for the present. I hope, however, on future occasions, to be
-permitted to give some further idea of the work we are doing, and more
-especially of the manner in which it is performed--though the ruthless
-compression to which, as I have hinted above, I have reason to believe
-my notes will be subjected, may deprive them of much of their interest
-and value.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-SO SEASONABLE, YOU KNOW.
-
-SIR,--I read a letter in the _St. James's Gazette_, signed "PAGE HOPPS."
-The gentleman stood for somewhere, and may be standing still, were such
-a contradiction in terms between "standing still" and "Hopps"
-reconcileable. Is he an Irreconcileable? I am no politician, and don't
-want to be, specially just now. But such a name as "PAGE HOPPS" must
-stand for something, and what struck me as a sort of Christmassy idea
-was, what a cheery, suggestive name "PAGE HOPPS" really is! What a
-picture it conjures up of a true old-fashioned Christmas jollification,
-where all distinctions are obliterated, the Masses join with the
-Classes, and the Misses go with the Kisses, under the sprig of
-mistletoe. "PAGE HOPPS!" What a delightful household! Page hops, Butler
-skips, Footman jumps, Cook capers, Housemaid dances, Scullerymaid
-slides, while
-
-  Master plays the violin,
-    And Missus the guitar.
-  We are a merry family,
-  We are! We are! We are!!
-
-I drink his health, the health of P. HOPPS, Hop! Hop! Hooray! in beer,
-of course. This comes hopping you're well.
-
- Yours ever,
-
-_Spring Bank, Out of Bounds._ A. HOPPIDAN.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-To the Unemployed.
-
-  "Remember Mitchelstown!"
-    And do not join a mob.
-  But if you do, you're likely to
-    Get "one" upon your nob.
-
-  If not to get knocked down,
-    And squelched, you greatly care,
-  Remember, then, both Mitchelstown,
-    And eke Trafalgar Square!
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-_Sports and Anecdotes of Bygone Days._ By C. T. S. B. REYNARDSON.
-Without four initials Reynard's son ought to know by this time as much
-about sport as sly old Reynard himself. Illustrated, too, in colours,
-but not with his own brush.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-The Powers that Be.
-
-  Against "One Man Power," the cry is now raised,
-    By moralists noted for meekness.
-  Perchance the new protest were more to be praised,
-    If directed against "one man weakness."
-  The partisan man is so given to glower,
-    At his bigger, or luckier, brother man,
-  One fears that this railing against "one-man power,"
-    Means craving the power for--_another_ man.
-
-CHIEF ITEM IN A GLADSTONIAN MENU.--"A Chop and Chips."
-
-A PERFECT PANDEMONIUM.--Demon-stration in Trafalgar Square.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: THE "PONDS ASINORUM" AGAIN!
-
-_Cabby._ "OH! YER THINKS SEVEN-AND-SIXPENCE TOO MUCH, DO YER, FOR COMIN'
-ALL THE WAY UP TO 'AMPSTEAD! WELL--'ERE I STOPS TILL I'M PAID, THAT'S
-ALL!"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-EXTRA SPECIAL.
-
-As many married men have recently been sworn in as supplementary
-Policemen, and as ladies are usually entirely ignorant of law, it
-may be as well to give a list of the statutory regulations of the
-duties of Special Constables. Here they are:--
-
-1. Special Constables will occasionally be expected to spend several
-hours every evening in the card-room of the Club in search of
-information.
-
-2. Their duties may occasionally require them to pay a visit to Paris
-for a fortnight, or even three weeks, to study for themselves on the
-spot the working of the French Judicature Act.
-
-3. It may be imperatively necessary for them to be present at the "first
-nights" of new pieces, when, they will be expected to take supper at the
-Club, so that they may have an opportunity of confidentially exchanging
-notes with their fellow-constables.
-
-4. At any time they may be required not to dine at home, but, for
-purposes of the police, join a visit of inspection to dinners chiefly
-associated with bachelors.
-
-5. Every Special Constable (if not already in possession of one) must be
-supplied with a latch-key, under a penalty of L20--payable by his wife.
-
-6. It is strictly forbidden (and the offence, when proved, will entail a
-sentence of penal servitude for an indefinite period) for a Special
-Constable to give any information as to his movements to any one,
-inclusive of his wife.
-
-7. It will be a part of his duty occasionally to come home with the man
-bringing the early morning milk.
-
-8. Lastly, on extraordinary occasions, when it is necessary that he
-should be ready to return to his beat at a moment's notice, it is lawful
-that he should retire to bed in his boots.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-REASONS WHY.--The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER will accompany Lord
-HARTINGTON to Ireland, first because he thinks that the latter's stolid
-style of oratory will have no effect on the impulsive Celt without a
-good deal of gushin'; and, secondly, because he wants to have his share
-of the anticipated HARTY reception.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-PROMENADING.
-
-I attended the Opening Night of the Promenade Concerts at Her Majesty's
-on Saturday week. A crowded house; everybody in the best of humours.
-Mlle. ELLY WARNOTS trilled her most brilliant "variations," Miss
-FLORENCE ST. JOHN carried off the lioness's share of applause and
-bouquets. There was a new "Vocal valse," entitled "_Laughing Beauties_"
-in which a chorus of "ladies in costume" invited us to buy what the
-programme waggishly described as:--
-
-  "Sweet violets for the meek, tra, la, la, la, la,
-  Fond _ivory_ for the weak, ha, ha, ha, ha, ho!"
-
-The programme, by the way, contained one or two other similar
-eccentricities. Miss ST. JOHN was announced as inquiring in a song of
-BEHREND'S, "Why do your big tears _fears_ fall, Daddy?"--hardly a fair
-question to be addressed to any parent. Fortunately she preferred to
-sing the line in a less enigmatical form, but the gifted author of
-_Daddy_, should insist on correcting his own proofs next time. Then we
-had a "descriptive Piece for Orchestra,"--_The Bulgarian Patrol_, in
-which the melody began faintly, and came nearer and nearer with the
-clank of metal, till it gradually died away again in the distance. "Oh,
-wot a novelty!" as I heard a street-vendor remark the other day
-concerning the "panorammer of the Lord Mayor's Show," he was offering to
-a dubious public. But the public at Her Majesty's applauded the
-_Bulgarian Patrol_ as impartially as they did his Turkish forerunner.
-
-                                   (_Signed_)      A. BOUTIGO JONES.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-ADVICE GRATIS.--Young HOFFMANN is Hoff! Gone from our gaze, perhaps,
-with a COOK'S Ticket. But, anyhow, the Juvenile Phenomenal Pianist has
-gone. Peace go with him--let him rest. Don't allow him to get within
-half a mile of a piano, or he is sure to go to pieces. All work and all
-play will make young HOFFMANN a dull Young Man. Beware, O Parents and
-Guardians, in time.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-_A PROPOS_ OF A CERTAIN ILLUSTRIOUS SUFFERER.--Who shall
-decide when Doctors disagree? The Patient. This is the sad Moral,
-MACKENZIE.
-
-[Illustration: THE GRAND OLD _JANUS_.
-
-"QUITE RIGHT, CONSTABLE!" | "QUITE WRONG, CONSTABLE!!"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-'ARRY ON LAW AND ORDER!
-
-[Illustration]
-
-DEAR CHARLIE,
-
-  Ascuse shaky scribble; I'm writing this letter in bed.
-  Went down to the Square, mate,--last Sunday,--and got a rare clump on
-      the 'ed.
-  Beastly shame, and no error, my pippin! Me cop it! It's too jolly rum.
-  When a reglar Primroser gits toko, one wonders wot next there will
-      come.
-
-  It wos all Bobby's blunder, in course; Mister BURLEIGH and me was
-      "mistook."
-  _I_ went jest for a lark, nothink else, and wos quietly slinging my
-      'ook,
-  Wen a bit of a rush came around me, a truncheon dropped smack on my
-      nob,
-  And 'ere I ham, tucked up in bed, with a jug of 'ot spruce on the
-      'ob.
-
-  'Ard lines, ain't it, CHARLIE, old hoyster? A barney's a barney, dear
-      boy,
-  And you know that a squeege and a skylark is wot I did always enjoy.
-  A street-rush is somethink splendacious to fellers of sperrit like me,
-  But dints and diakkylum plaster will spile the best sport, dontcher
-      see.
-
-  Don't you fancy the "Hunemployed," bunkum has nobbled me; not sech a
-      mug!
-  And as fer O'BRIEN and his breeches, I'm glad the fool's fairly in
-      jug.
-  No, no, Law and Horder's my motter, but wen a spree's on 'ARRY'S
-      there;
-  And I thought, like a lot of the Swells, I should find one that day
-      in the Square.
-
-  Lord Mayor's Day with a scrimmage chucked in is a hopening too
-      temptin' to miss.
-  More pertikler wen all in "the Cause"--Law and Horder, I mean,
-      mate--like this.
-  I despises the Poor and the Spouters; to see their 'eds jolly well
-      broke
-  Is fun, but a bash on one's own--well, there, somehow it spiles the
-      whole joke.
-
-  The Perlice wos too dashed hinderscriminate, that's where it wos, my
-      dear boy;
-  Wich they couldn't take _me_ for a Paddy or 'umbugging "Out of
-      Employ."
-  Wen that cop got his hand on my collar he ought to 'ave knowed like a
-      shot,
-  By the Astrykan only, that _I_ wasn't one o' the Socherlist lot.
-
-  I 'ate 'em, dear CHARLIE, I 'ate 'em! They wants to stop piling the
-      pelf,
-  Wen that is wot every dashed one of us wants to be piling hisself.
-  No, Wealth is wot _must_ be kep up and pertected, wotever goes wrong;
-  And to talk of abolishing Millionnaires, CHARLIE, is coming it strong.
-
-  They are like prize Chrysanthemums, CHARLIE; for, if you want them,
-      don'tcher see,
-  You must nip off some thousands of buds to let one or two swell and
-      grow free.
-  Jest you turn a lot loose in yer garden, and _that_ ain't the way as
-      they'll grow;
-  But if 'undreds weren't sacrificed daily to one, you would not get
-      no Show.
-
-  That's Life in a nutshell, my bloater! All wants to be fust, but they
-      can't;
-  Most on us is wasters; the game of the snide un's to be a Prize Plant.
-  Then you're mugged up to-rights and made muck of, but, oh, you must be
-      a big ass,
-  If you fancies as daisies is dealt with like horchids, and grown under
-      glass!
-
-  Ask Gentleman JOE. _He_ knows better, he's finding it out more and
-      more,
-  And his Radical rot about "ransom" won't turn up agen; it don't score.
-  "Law and Horder's" the tip I can tell yer. I'm on to it fairly for
-      one,
-  And there's ony one thing I finds fault with; they _do_ rayther
-      bunnick up Fun!
-
-  If heverythink's on the Q.T., and a Peeler is always at 'and--
-  And _that's_ Law and Horder you bet, as beknown to the rich and the
-      grand--
-  It's O.K. for the 'olders of ochre, who, if they've a mind for a
-      spree,
-  Can always palm-oil Mr. Peeler, and do it _upon_ the Q.T.
-
-  But hus, CHARLIE, hus? I likes Horder, and likeways I'm partial to
-      Law,
-  Wen it means keeping _my_ swim all clear, and a muzzling my henemy's
-      jaw.
-  Wy, nothink could easy be nicerer, then, don'tcher see, dear old pal;
-  But supposing that game interferes with _my_ larks, or _my_ lush, or
-      _my_ gal?
-
-  Local Hopshun, for instance, or Betting Laws, Prize Fight pervention,
-      and such
-  That some mealy-mouthed mugs are so sweet on; if they cop us, life
-      ain't wuth much.
-  Contrydicting myself? Oh, well, CHARLIE, I've sech a blarmed pain in
-      my 'ed,
-  And life looks a queer sort of mix wen you boss the whole bizness from
-      bed.
-
-  DAN the Dosser, who knows the Square well, 'aving slep in it night
-      arter night,
-  Sez the Golden Calf safely railed in by the Law is a 'eavenly sight.
-  Acos Horder is 'Eaven's first Law, and, in conserkense, Law Earth's
-      first horder;
-  The Calf may sit safely hinside, whilst Scapegoats is kep hout of the
-      border.
-
-  I can't git the 'ang of his lingo; his patter's all picter somehow,
-  And wot he quite means by that Calf, mate, _I_ dunno no more than a
-      cow.
-  But the Scapegoat, that's _him_, I suppose, and he looks it; it's
-      rough, as he says;
-  No marbles, no lodging, no grub, and that sort o' thing kep up for
-      days!
-
-  But the Scapegoats must not kick up shindies, and stop up our streets
-      and our squares,
-  That's a moral. Perhaps there is grabbers as wants to swag more than
-      their shares.
-  I ain't nuts on sweaters myself, and I do 'ate a blood-sucking screw,
-  Who sponges and never stands Sam, and whose motto's "all cop, and no
-      blue."
-
-  Still, this 'ere blooming Hanarchy, CHARLEY, won't do at no figger,
-      dear boy.
-  A bit of a rorty romp round in the open a chap can enjoy,
-  But brickbats and hoyster-knives? Walker! Not on in that scene, mate,
-      not me!
-  And a bash on the nob with a batton is not _my_ idea of a spree.
-
-  To bonnet a lot of old blokes and make petticoats squeal is good biz,
-  But a Crusher's 'ard knuckles a crunching yer scrag? No, I'm blowed
-      if _that_ is!
-  Let 'em swarm "in their thousands"--the mugs!--and their black and red
-      flags let 'em carry;
-  But wen they are next on the job they will 'ave to look wide-oh! for
-                                                               'ARRY.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-CUTTINGS AND SLIPS.--The following were extracted from the _Manchester
-Evening News_, Nov. 14:--
-
-    RESPECTABLE Woman WANTS WASHING, at Altrincham.
-
-    RESPECTABLE Widow WANTS WASHING for Tuesday.
-
-The first one is not in a hurry; the second is, and names the day. Then
-or never. At first we thought it was a new form of advertising
-Somebody's Soap.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-TO HIS MISTRESS.
-
-_From a Distracted Grammarian with "To Be" in his Bonnet._
-
-  With you, O Superlative Maiden,
-    There can no Comparison be;
-  And though Grammar makes "You" Second Person,
-    You are first of all Persons to me.
-
-  At Present my life is Imperfect
-    (Not Irregular, _nota bene_),
-  But with you for Auxiliary, dearest,
-    How Perfect our Future might be.
-
-  Considering my Antecedents,
-    Your Relatives can but Agree;
-  And since I'm Defective in Number,
-    You cannot Decline me, you see.
-
-  I sigh; but by mere Interjections
-    My Case cannot influenced be:
-  Then grant the Conjunction I plead for,
-    And so with your Subject agree.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-Among the books with which the Prison Authorities should have supplied
-Mr. O'BRIEN ought to have been a copy of "The Breeches Bible." When he
-comes out, will he commence a suit against the Government?
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-AMERICAN CHORUS.
-
-  We'll state what we think of your Brummagem JOE.
-  He's "so English you know,"--yes, "so English, you know."
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-"THE SLEEPER AWAKENED!" New Cantata, dedicated to the Right Hon. HENRY
-MATTHEWS, the Not-Yet-Quite-at-Home Secretary.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-PROBABLE PICTURES FOR CHRISTMAS NUMBERS
-
-BY SIR J. E. MILLAIS, R.A.
-
-(_Suggested by this eminent "Sporting and Dramatic" Artist's "Portia"
-now being exhibited on all the bookstalls._)
-
-[Illustration: LADY MACBETH.
-
-"OR ANYBODY ELSE. DOESN'T MATTER.
-QUITE A----J. E. M."]
-
-[Illustration: SHYLOCK; or, The Masher of Venice.
-
-"COMPANION PICTURE TO MY 'PORTIA.'
-A VERY BRILLIANT----J. E. M."]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-THE WOES OF THE WATER CONSUMER.
-
-DEAR MR. PUNCH,--What Greek philosopher was it who held that Water was
-the beginning and essence of all things? Our modern Sanitarians appear
-to agree with him. At any rate, if they do not look upon water as the
-great essence, they declare it to be the prime essential, and present
-fearsome pictures of the results of any deficiency in its plentifulness
-and purity.
-
-But, Sir, between the Landlord who won't put it on, and the Water
-Company who will cut it off, what is a poor Tenant to do? In one day I
-read, first, that Mr. WILLIAM CHRISTIE is summoned by the Sanitary
-Inspector of St. Saviour's, Southwark, for obstinately refusing to
-provide a suitable water-supply to twelve houses in Park Street,
-Southwark; secondly, that the East London Waterworks Company is summoned
-by a Mr. ERNEST BRANSEMER for cutting off the water at his house in
-Boundary Passage, Shoreditch, without lawful excuse. Looks encouraging,
-doesn't it? True, Mr. KEBBELL, the Company's Solicitor, assured Mr.
-HANNAY that the Company was really in the right, and that the man had
-suffered from the fault of his Landlord. Perhaps so, in this case.
-Anyhow it seems to be admitted that the man suffered, and suffered
-unjustly. In this case, too, the Company (said its Solicitor) had been
-"very good," had paid the man and settled the matter. Mr. HANNAY is
-reported to have said, "Really!" which seems almost to imply a mild
-surprise. Surprised at the "goodness" of a Water Company!!! Well, it is
-a painful fact that the prevailing faith in the proprietors of
-Waterworks is much of the complexion of _Sam Weller's_ in the
-"Waterworks" of the Mulberry One. Only that the Companies, as a rule,
-are not quite so ready to "turn it on at the main," as was the
-lachrymose and deceptive _Job Trotter_.
-
-"The Company do not fear the Magistrate's decision," said Mr. KEBBELL,
-loftily. "It is the trial by newspapers which follows, which is so
-objectionable." Doubtless: from the Company's point of view. Whether the
-Consumer shares that opinion may be questioned, perhaps.
-
-Anyhow, _Mr. Punch_, my own confidence in the "native worth" of Water
-Companies and Landlords, being a plant of slow growth, which, indeed,
-has hardly yet appeared above ground, I should like to call attention to
-the dilemma which the "tub"-loving, fever-fearing Tenant is liable to
-fall into between the two. If this savours of that obnoxious practice,
-"trial by newspapers," I am sorry; but really, Sir, the Tenant has his
-"trials," of another sort, which are very "objectionable" indeed, and
-which, I fear, without the publicity afforded by the Press, neither the
-justice of Landlords, nor the "goodness" of Water Companies could be
-implicitly trusted to relieve him from. At least, such is the experience
-of
-
-                                           Yours truly,      AQUARIUS.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-KEPT IN;
-
-OR, THE LEAGUER BELEAGUERED.
-
-_A Right-thinking Radical requests information._
-
-  Hast thou seen that lordly castle,
-    The home of Mr. PYNE;
-  How round its patriot portals
-    The Peelers prowl and whine?
-
-  I suppose those brutal butchers,
-    Without the slightest fail,
-  Would stretch the M.P. on the rack,
-    And afterwards impale?
-
-_An Unfeeling Unionist answers him_--
-
-  Well do I know that castle,
-    The home of Mr. PYNE;
-  But of the Peelers with their rack
-    There's not a single sign.
-
-_The Right-thinking Radical expresses surprise at the intelligence_--
-
-  Indeed! But at some high casement
-    Surely you saw him stand,
-  Or out from a towering rampart
-    Waving a mailed hand?
-
-_The Unfeeling Unionist rejoins_--
-
-  I _did_ see him at the casement,
-    And he wore no armour at all,
-  But the Postman helps him haul the mail
-    Over his castle wall!
-
-_The Right-thinking Radical proceeds with his questionings_--
-
-  And sawest thou on the turret
-    How he paced to and fro,
-  All glorious in gold and purple,
-    Like a Knight of long ago?
-
-_The Unfeeling Unionist replies_--
-
-  He had a modern frock-coat on,
-    Which wasn't much of a fit;
-  And I think a Knight would have stopped to fight,
-    And not run away from a writ.
-
-_The Right-thinking Radical plies him once again_--
-
-  But do they not thirst, those Peelers,
-    To tear him limb from limb;
-  And level his antique castle,
-    If once they could get at him?
-
-_The Unfeeling Unionist ends the colloquy_--
-
-  That would not result from his capture;
-    You seem to have been misled!
-  It would merely entail a month in gaol,
-    Or perhaps, like O'BRIEN, in bed.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-In the _Standard's_ report of Mr. LABOUCHERE'S after-dinner speech to
-the members of the Eleusis Club, the warier of the two Northampton
-Members observed, "that we lived in critical times, when it was
-absolutely necessary that Radicals should hang together." Mr. LABOUCHERE
-speaks trippingly, but he is not often to be caught tripping. The
-Conservative _Standard_ missed an opportunity.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-LATEST ADDITION TO FAIRY LAND.--Mr. Irish Secretary BALFOUR must be all
-over the country at once. For this he requires Seven (Land)-League
-boots.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-THE REAL "EMPIRE OF THE HITTITES."--The prevailing passion for
-pugilists.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-A sporting tandem-driving Doctor of our acquaintance calls his leader
-the _Hoss frontis_.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration: "'HAD HIM THERE!"
-
-_Free Kirk Elder._ "EIGH! MEENISTER, AH NO LIKE T'SEE YE TALKIN' WI' YON
-EPEESCOPALIAN PRIEST!"
-
-_Minister._ "OO--I JEEST OFFERED TO SWAP COLLECTIONS WI'M, AN' HE SAID,
-'NA, NA! I KEN YOUR FLOCK OWER WEEL!'"]
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-ALMOST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.
-
-DEAR MR. PUNCH,
-
-As an impecunious Peer, whose entire existence consists of
-one long struggle to provide for the necessities of a large family, need
-I say that my eye chanced upon the subjoined advertisement with a
-sense of relief and hopefulness that words almost fail to express? I
-quote it for your perusal. Here it is:--
-
-    WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR SONS.--Journalism.--Mr. DAVID ANDERSON, 222,
-    Strand, W.C., Author of _Scenes in the Commons_, &c., from 1879, a
-    principal Leader Writer, Special Correspondent, and Critic of the
-    _Daily Telegraph_, INSTRUCTS a limited number of YOUNG MEN in the
-    practical and literary branches of Journalism. Prospectus free.
-
-    An ordinary trained Journalist earns from L300 to L1000 a year.
-
-That, _Mr. Punch_, is the question I have been asking myself for ever so
-long--"What on earth _am_ I to do with my sons?" And this Mr. DAVID
-ANDERSON, with a message that seems almost too good to be true, comes
-like the radiant genius on to the scene, and says, "Send them to me,
-your Grace, and I'll soon put 'em in the way of making from L300 to
-L1000 a year. What do you think of that?" What do I think of it? Well,
-all I can say is that it sounds to me like an ANDERSON'S Fairy Tale!
-
-Why, there's my elder son, the Marquis, just opened a market gardening
-business at Tooting in a small way, and though he drives his cart up to
-Covent Garden twice a week himself, I know he's not making a good thing
-of it. PLANTAGENET, my second, I'm not ashamed to own it, shoulders a
-butcher's tray; BERTRAM is a linen-draper's assistant in the Tottenham
-Court Road; and ALGERNON is, _faute de mieux_, loafing about railway
-stations, following cabs, in the hope of picking up a stray sixpence now
-and then for carrying the luggage upstairs when they arrive at their
-destinations. Poor boy! I had always meant him to have a Commission in
-the Guards, but hard times have rendered that project impossible--and he
-has come to this!
-
-With one hundred and seventy farms on my hands, the whole of my property
-mortgaged, my house in Belgrave Square given up, and my establishment
-confined to a couple of floors in a back street in Islington, the family
-has, I need hardly say, to accept its altered fortunes with equanimity.
-But, if Mr. DAVID ANDERSON is to be trusted, surely a brighter prospect
-opens before us! How he manages his instructions "in the practical and
-literary branches of journalism," is to me a mystery. How does he teach
-his "limited number" of pupils to report--say, an inaudible speech? Then
-there is their practical training for a crowd. Does he lead them at the
-present moment, to Trafalgar Square, and teach them, in the event of a
-collision with the police, to continue their labours up a lamp-post?
-Again, how about initiating them into the work of a correspondent
-mounted on the field of battle? Would their experience on a hired
-cab-horse let loose in the midst of a procession of the Unemployed
-afford the many useful experiences in this direction? Then, how about
-the leader-writing? I do not say that the journalist, like the poet,
-need necessarily be born one, yet for all that, the art of literary
-composition is not one that can be readily acquired by anybody.
-
-Take my own case. I have written a _lever du rideau_ in the shape of a
-farce, a light thing that plays only an hour and three-quarters, and
-though I have submitted it to seventeen managers in succession, I have
-never been able to induce one of them to try it even at a matinee. I
-have also written a pantomime and left it, endorsed with my title at the
-stage-door of a leading Metropolitan Theatre, from which however,
-notwithstanding that I have made repeated applications for it in person,
-I have never yet been able to succeed in getting it returned. But
-journalism is, I am aware, distinct from dramatic literature, and
-this inspires me with confidence. Indeed I shall lose no time in
-communicating with Mr. DAVID ANDERSON and placing my four sons
-unreservedly in his hands. Even if they did not as "trained journalists"
-succeed in realising that brilliant level of L1000 per annum, with which
-his advertisement so alluringly concludes, they might possibly touch the
-figure half-way, and draw their modest five hundred a-piece. Need I say,
-my dear Mr. Punch, if they did, how they would restore the fortunes of a
-falling house, and in so doing, gladden the heart of yours hopefully,
-
-                                    A DUKE IN DIFFICULTIES.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-THE TOO-COMPLETE LETTER-WRITER.--M. WILSON.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE.
-
-(_A Cosmos Story._)
-
-CHAPTER I.
-
-Mr NOMAN LUCKIER, the eminent astronomer, was walking in his garden.
-Suddenly he was staggered by a sharp blow on the head. Something fell at
-his feet. It was not his head. He picked it up. It was a meteoric stone.
-This set him thinking.
-
-"Here," said he, as he rubbed his newly-acquired phrenological
-development with one hand and held the meteoric stone in the other, "is
-a solid, ponderable body, which I can handle, examine, and analyse, and
-it comes to me," continued the eminent scientist, extending his arms and
-looking round him, then directing his gaze upwards, his eye dilating
-with the grandeur of the discovery,--"it comes to me direct from the
-Cosmos!"
-
-CHAPTER II.
-
-There was a chuckle from behind the neighbouring hedge, and, as the
-Philosopher returned to his sanctum to write a paper on the "Spectra of
-Meteorites," a small boy stepped cautiously out into the road, and
-hurried down the lane.
-
-"Ooray!" muttered the small boy to himself; "the old gent don't know my
-name. What did he say about 'Crismas'?" And he vanished into space.
-
-CHAPTER III.
-
-The Philosopher, with aching head, sat down to write, and penned these
-words,--
-
-"_Cosmical space is filled with meteorites of all sizes, flying about
-with immense velocities in all directions._"
-
-"Good Heavens! or, rather, Bad Heavens!" exclaimed a simple-minded
-visitor, to whom he read this statement, "why, 'Cosmical space' must be
-uncommonly like a proclaimed district in Ireland, or Trafalgar Square
-during a Socialist riot."
-
-The Philosopher perceived that he was not in the presence of a
-sympathetic mind, and regretted having invited the visitor to lunch.
-
-CHAPTER IV.
-
-After lunch, Mr. NOMAN LUCKIER resumed his work. The simple-minded
-friend followed him into his study, seated himself in the most
-comfortable chair, lit a cigar, and produced from his pocket a
-handy-volume edition of _Pickwick_. Oddly enough he commenced reading
-the concluding portion of Chapter XXXVIII. of that immortal work, which
-records how an elderly gentleman of scientific attainments suddenly
-observed certain extraordinary and wonderful phenomena, which he
-immediately concluded "it had been reserved for him alone to discover,
-and which he should immortalise his name by chronicling for the benefit
-of posterity. Full of this idea, the scientific gentleman seized the
-pen" and began writing "sundry notes of these unparalleled appearances
-... which were to form the data of a voluminous treatise of great
-research and deep learning, which should astonish all the atmospherical
-wiseacres that ever drew breath in any part of the civilised globe."
-Subsequently, after a sharp shock which "stunned him for a full quarter
-of an hour," produced by _Sam Weller's_ fist, the scientific gentleman
-retired to his library, and there composed a masterly treatise which
-"delighted all the Scientific Associations beyond measure, and caused
-him to be considered a light of science ever afterwards."
-
-The simple-minded friend, having finished his cigar, replaced _Pickwick_
-in his pocket, and, smiling gently, stole out of the study on tiptoe,
-leaving Mr. NOMAN LUCKIER profoundly absorbed in his "Preliminary
-Notes."
-
-The boy, whose name was not COSMOS, is still at large,--and so is
-COSMOS, very much so.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-A LITERARY FIND.
-
-DEAR MR. PUNCH,
-
-A very intelligent threadbare man, evidently something of a scholar, has
-just put me in possession of a manuscript of incalculable importance. It
-is a drama called _Piccoviccius_, evidently of the Elizabethan era,
-though brought into harmony with modern diction and orthography by a
-later hand. A careful perusal of this priceless survival makes it
-certain that SHAKSPEARE was not only familiar with it, but that he drew
-very largely from it even to "cribbing" the names of many of the
-characters bodily. This is not so remarkable, considering the very
-slight right SHAKSPEARE has, in the opinion of the best critics, to the
-authorship of his own plays, as the fact that DICKENS also had studied
-Piccoviccius, and founded upon it his _Pickwick Papers_, with an
-effrontery almost worthy of the Swan of Avon himself. Here is a
-slightly-edited selection from the First Act, so your readers can judge
-for themselves.
-
-                 Yours, bursting with importance,      RODERICK TWEDDLE.
-
-P.S.--I have just founded a Piccoviccius Society. The subscription is L2
-2s., paid in advance. Members can read their own papers at any time, and
-have them printed, at a reduced price, in our "Transactions."
-
-SCENE FROM ACT I.--_Romeo's Garden in Kent._ ROMEO, BERNARDO.
-
-  _Ber._ News, news, my ROMEO! The world's upso down.
-    Duke PICCOVICCIUS hath broke the law,
-    Is under guard, and will be banished.
-
-  _Rom._ Banished? Great Heaven!
-
-  _Ber._                          Banished, certainly
-    As eggs dissemble not their property.
-
-  _Rom._ But why, how, when and where? What did the Duke?
-
-  _Ber._ Thou knowest the scheme he long had pondered on,
-    To go among his people, like themselves,
-    As went through Bagdad's streets the Caliph wise.
-
-  _Rom._ Yea, I remember; and the hour arrived,
-    When, having delegated his main pow'rs
-    To JINGULUS, and the Exchequer's charge
-    To careful DODSON and to subtle FOGG,
-    He, with no rites of State observ'd, set forth
-    With TUPMAN, SNODGRASS, WINKLE, in his train;
-    TUPMAN, who to experience in love
-    Still superadds the ardour of the boy;
-    SNODGRASS, the poet-treasurer of thought,
-    And singer of an unexpressive song,
-    And WINKLE, Nimrod's peer. These four set forth,
-    Due to return the seventh day from hence;
-    But I that selfsame hour came hitherward,
-    And since have heard no news of Court at all.
-
-  _Ber._ Thus then I briefly tell thee what hath pass'd.
-    There came last week with 'plaining to the Court
-    A comely widow, who made oath that one
-    Who sojourned as a lodger in her house
-    Had promised marriage, but had gone away;
-    Left her, and left his promise unfulfill'd.
-    Guided by her, the officers had gone
-    To seize the culprit, and had found 'twas none
-    But PICCOVICCIUS, whom she claim'd with tears.
-    So he and those three lords were strait convey'd
-    Unto the Court, and put to interrogatories,
-    When this preliminary was advanced:--
-    The Duke had lodging in BARDELLA'S house--
-    So is the widow named; and on a day
-    Came these lords, usher'd by BARDELLA'S son,
-    Unto his chamber, but on the threshold stay'd
-    Still as LOT'S wife, in mere astonishment.
-    For there their staid and reverend leader stood,
-    Silent as they, supporting in his arms
-    The buxom widow, in a swoon of bliss.
-    Thus had they stood, confounded and amazed,
-    Till life returning gave BARDELLA speech,
-    But that the urchin, in a filial frenzy,
-    Butting like petulant kid, assailed the Duke,
-    And with the puissance of his puny arms
-    Avenged imagined injury. Then they,
-    Roused by the pious howlings of the boy
-    And agonised appeals of whom he smote,
-    Bore off the pigmy valour, and the mother,
-    Reviving, led away. The Duke averr'd
-    That, breaking to her of his new-found wish
-    To take into his service one WELLERIUS,
-    A shrewd and faithful henchman, she at once
-    Through rapid stages of affection ran,
-    And threw herself, in fine, upon his neck,
-    And thus was found, he speechless with surprise,
-    They, after, silent, striving to believe.
-
-  _Rom._ It is a tale incredible and bald.
-
-  _Ber._ Why so thought many; but this JINGULUS
-    Is all compassion for the widow's case.
-    DODSON and FOGG, his seconds in the realm,
-    Albeit unused to the melting mood,
-    Do keep turned on, sans intermission,
-    Salt pity's main. The people whisper change,
-    And what they whisper they are fain to make.
-    The nobles huddle in uncertainty,
-    Like sheep that meet a cart, the dog behind.
-    On the Rialto, ere I left this morning,
-    The hoarse-voiced makers of the books, whose leaves
-    Are I. O. U.'s to ruin, vainly laid
-    Long odds upon the widow.
-
-  _Rom._'Tis not death?
-
-  _Ber._ Nay, only banishment. Whoever breaks
-    A promise made to wed, to exile goes.
-
-  _Rom._ Will not the widow take a forfeiture?
-
-  _Ber._ It cannot be. There is no power in Brentford
-    Can alter a decree established.
-    Besides, the very object of the law
-    Is to prevent the payment of a price
-    For feelings wounded. The stern punishment
-    Makes flighty wooers careful, and restrains
-    The plots of scheming spinsters, who derive
-    No personal advantage from their suit.
-
-  _Rom._ Then am I shent!
-
-But here the plot thickens, and we are plunged into the _Two Gentlemen
-of Verona_, _Hamlet_, _As You Like It,_ and _A Winter's Tale_, with a
-strong infusion of Dingley Dell, and the Fat Boy floating round, like a
-materialised _Ariel_. I ask, _Who are the plagiarists?_ R. T.
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-[Illustration:] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions,
-whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description,
-will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and
-Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no
-exception.
-
-
-
-
-       *       *       *       *       *
-
-
-
-
-Transcriber's note:
-
-Alternative spellings were retained.
-
-Punctuation was made consistent.
-
-
-
-***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
-93, NOVEMBER 26, 1887 ***
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