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diff --git a/40645-0.txt b/40645-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fe8a586 --- /dev/null +++ b/40645-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1706 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40645 *** + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 40645-h.htm or 40645-h.zip: + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/40645/40645-h/40645-h.htm) + or + (http://www.gutenberg.org/files/40645/40645-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI + +VOL. 93. + +November 26, 1887. + + + + +PAPERS FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT. + +_A Recollection of the Long Vacation._ + + +[Illustration] + +During the Long Vacation (now happily over) I have been present at my +chambers a great deal more frequently than some of the men with whom I +share my rooms. In fact, I may say that I have been constantly the sole +occupant of the entire set. CHUCKBOB, the well-known authority on +International Law, has spent September and October in the Highlands, and +my other friends have been on the Continent. Even PORTINGTON, my +excellent and admirable clerk, has taken a fortnight's rest at +Eastend-on-Mud (a pleasant watering-place not many miles from Town), +where I fancy he spent his well-earned holiday in trying to get up a +libel action against the Sanitary Board. It is just to say that my +presence at Pump-Handle Court has not been entirely necessitated by my +forensic labours. The fact is, that JOWLER, a very dear friend of mine, +who has some mysterious supervisorship (sanctioned by an eccentric will) +over an Institution connected with the Vegetarian Movement, was recently +called away, by his duties as a trustee, to Australia, to look after a +number of sheep somehow affected and inconvenienced by the increase of +rabbits in that favourite colony. Being thus for a season expatriated, +he asked me to look after the Institution connected with the Vegetarian +Movement, in his place during his absence. + +"You will really find the work simple enough," he said on bidding me +farewell. "You hold my power of attorney, and all you have to do is not +to quarrel with the Committee of Inspection, who, as you know, can play +the very dickens with us." + +"But what have the Committee of Inspection to do with the place?" I +asked rather anxiously, as I never like to accept responsibility, so to +speak, with my eyes blindfolded. + +"Oh, you will soon find out," replied JOWLER. "You will pick it up as +you go along. I shall soon be back--perhaps in six months." + +The Institution connected with the Vegetarian Movement was within easy +distance of my chambers, so I came to the conclusion that I could +combine the vague superintendence it apparently required with my +ordinary legal engagements. I found, on a visit to the Institution about +a fortnight after JOWLER had left, that all seemed to be right, and the +head _employé_ assured me that if my services were needed, he would send +round to me. + +"Fortunately since Mr. JOWLER'S departure, Sir," said the head +_employé_, "we have seen nothing of the Committee of Inspection." + +He lowered his voice to a tone of the deepest awe as he spoke of the +mysterious body. + +"I am very glad to have seen you, Sir," he continued; "the fact is, +there may be a number of things I should like to consult you about, and +I was loth to worry you." + +"Oh, not in the least," I replied, airily; "consult me at any time; only +too glad to give you every assistance in my power." + +Upon this, I took my leave, saying as I did, to show that I really knew +what I was about, that whoever had broken the hall-lamp, which I noticed +was damaged, should have been made to pay for it. + +On my return to my chambers, I found PORTINGTON in a great state of +excitement. He had actually got a brief for me! A real brief marked with +a real fee and endorsed by a real firm of Solicitors! I was actually +retained! MORDAUNT JONES, BROWN AND SNOBKINS! Perhaps the best firm in +the profession! I was delighted! + +"PORTINGTON," I observed when I had regained sufficient control over my +feelings to speak calmly, "I do not think you will find the names in my +fee-book?" + +"I fancy not, Sir," replied PORTINGTON; "they wanted Mr. CHUCKBOB, only +I said he was in Scotland, and persuaded--I mean told them you were in, +and would be glad to look through the papers instead." + +"Thank you, PORTINGTON," I answered, as I took the bundle into my own +special room; "thank you, if they come for them, let me know." + +"Certainly, Sir; MORDAUNT JONES, BROWN AND SNOBKINS seemed most anxious +to have them back." + +Once alone I undid the tape and found the matter resolved itself into a +most delicate point of international usage. I went to my bookshelf and +hunted for authorities, and was soon deep in Mexican Maritime Law. I was +searching in its statutes for one dealing with a ship detained by stress +of weather in quarantine, when I was disturbed by PORTINGTON ushering in +the head _employé_ from the Institution connected with the Vegetarian +Movement. + +"Very sorry, Sir," said my visitor, "but we are in sad distress. We have +just received twelve dozen cases of ginger-beer, when the Committee of +Inspection particularly ordered that only soda-water should be supplied, +and I really don't know what we shall do." + +"Can they not be exchanged for the required liquid?" I asked, looking up +from my work, a trifle annoyed at the interruption. + +"I am afraid that is impossible, Sir. You see that the Committee of +Inspection are so opposed to any alteration of procedure." + +"Well, well, you must do the best you can," I replied. "You see I am +very much engaged at this moment." + +The chief _employé_, seeming greatly surprised at my lack of excitement, +bowed, and withdrew. I was once more deep in my Mexican Maritime Law, +when PORTINGTON put in his head. + +"Suppose that opinion isn't ready yet, Sir? MORDAUNT, BROWN, JONES AND +SNOBKINS are waiting for it." + +"Ready directly. My compliments, and they can call for it in half an +hour." + +I had just got to the point where I thought I began to comprehend the +Mexican method of dealing with a fraudulent bill of lading, when I was +again interrupted. A small boy forced himself in. + +"Please you are to come round at once. The chess-boards are out of +order, and want mending, and there is something wrong with the lift, +between the kitchen and the dining-room, and----" + +"You had no right to intrude, sirrah!" I exclaimed, with haughty +impatience. "Begone!" + +Murmuring something about the Committee of Inspection, "kicking up a +shindy" the urchin withdrew. Again I dived into Mexican Maritime Law, +and nearly got hold of the rules governing a sale of cargo for the +benefit of ship-repairs. I had jotted down a line or two upon the +brief-paper before me, when the door was again thrown open, and a +gentleman of immense presence entered. + +"I believe you are Mr. JOWLER'S substitute?" he began, without removing +his hat. I inclined my head and made a gesture with my pen which was +intended to convey to him the joint ideas that he was to take a chair +and not to disturb me until I was less preoccupied. He ignored my +dumb-show. "And that being the case, it is my duty to call your +attention to the unsatisfactory condition of the chimney-pots of your +Institution, and to mention the fact that a pane of glass in the pantry +has been broken, and is still unrepaired." + +"Really," I replied, "I am exceedingly busy with a matter of the +greatest importance, and I must ask you to be so very kind as to call +again on an occasion when my time is more my own." + +The gentleman rose with an air of astonishment so profound that it +nearly approached an aspect of absolute terror. He gasped for a moment, +and then asked, in a bone-freezing whisper-- + +"Do you understand that I am a Member of the Committee of Inspection?" + +"I shall be delighted to make your acquaintance on some future +occasion," I replied, with that easy courtesy that I hope is one of my +characteristics, and I opened the door for him to pass out. + +He got up and with the same expression of profound astonishment left my +chambers. Once more I dived into Mexican Maritime Law, and was only +disturbed by a letter sent by hand from the Institution, which I did not +open, but threw carelessly on the desk before me. I had just got to the +last point in my opinion when the door was again dashed open and JOWLER +himself rushed in. + +"Why, my dear fellow,----" I began. + +"No time to explain," he cried, "Australian visit deferred. Presentiment +of evil. Came back. What about the Institution?" + +I gave an account of my stewardship. + +"And this is a letter I got a few minutes ago," I said, when I had +finished my story, handing the document to my friend who hurriedly +opened it. + +"Good gracious!" he exclaimed, "why it is from a Member of the Committee +of Inspection complaining of the hall-lamp! Oh! what _have_ you been +doing?" + +"They are all there, Sir!" cried the urchin, returning at the moment out +of breath from running, "and there's a nice row at the Institution!" + +"What the Committee of Inspection!" exclaimed JOWLER, seizing his hat, +"Oh, what _have_ you been doing? Why the place will be ruined!" And he +hurried off followed by the urchin. + +The next morning I got a letter from JOWLER, saying that he would never +forgive me, as, by my "want of tact with the Committee of Inspection, I +had ruined a widow and five small children," and, to make matters worse, +I have been subsequently informed, in a satirical communication signed +"MORDAUNT BROWN, JONES AND SNOBKINS," that my opinion is not one they +can conscientiously adopt without further advice, "as my knowledge of +Mexican Law seems to be of a superficial description." + +It is a painful experience, and none the less painful because I have to +add it to a number of experiences of a not entirely dissimilar +character. + + A. BRIEFLESS, JUNIOR. + + * * * * * + +"THE GRAND OLD MAN" IN DECEMBER.--Father Christmas. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY M.P. + +FROM QUIET QUARTERS. + +_By-the-Sea, Saturday._] + +DEAR TOBY, + +I have been intending to write to you for some weeks past, but, really, +life passes so quickly here, with such gentle rotation of days and +nights, that a week is over before I realise that I have well entered +upon it. Besides, I find, in practical experience, that the writing of a +letter usually involves the receipt of one; and, though I am not bound +by any rule involving the necessity of reading, or even opening the +letters that reach me, it is as well to avoid, as far as possible, +little annoyances of that kind. I write to you because, in your case, I +make an exception to the rule of my epistolary conduct, and really want +to hear from you. + +The occasion of this solicitude is, that I find chance references in the +local weekly paper (I never see a daily) to the Irish Question, which +seem to show that it is in a somewhat unusually perturbed state. I +daresay if I could make up my mind to open the pile of letters that have +been accumulating on my desk for the last month or so, I should be able +to inform myself on the subject? But, if I once began that practice, +whither would it lead me? I have found, in the course of my public life, +that the last thing to do with a letter received through the post, is to +open it. My correspondence, conducted in the main upon that principle, +answers itself, and thus much labour, and possible friction, are saved. + +From the source of intelligence already alluded to, I gather hints that +the Government are "being firm" in Ireland, that evictions have been +going on, that there have been conflicts between the police and the +people, and that even some of my colleagues in the Parliamentary Party +have been arrested. One paragraph goes so far as to mention the really +interesting circumstance, that W-LL-M O'BR-N, has been cast into gaol, +where he sleeps on a plank bed, and that ARTH-R B-LF-R, emulating a +historic political feat, has stolen his clothes whilst he was sleeping. + +This thing is probably an allegory, but it serves to support an opinion +I have always had with respect to the future of the Conservative +Government, and which enables me from time to time to stand aside from +the hurly-burly of active politics. I suppose that what the paragraphist +really means by the story of stealing O'BR-N'S clothes, is that ARTH-R +B-LF-R, as representative of Lord S-L-SB-RY'S Government, is coming out +as an advocate of Home Rule for Ireland. If I misread the allegory, the +error has but temporary effect. If it is not true to-day it will be true +to-morrow, or the day after, if only the Liberals have the ill-luck to +be deprived of precedence in the opportunity. If I never stirred finger +or raised voice again, Home Rule would be granted to Ireland by whatever +English Party chances to be in power when the moment is ripe. The ball +is set spinning, and it would be a mere accident, of no great import to +me or the Irish people, whether it is the M-RK-SS or GL-DST-NE that +kicks it into goal. + +Hence you will see that though it may strike a superficial observer as +odd that I, of all men, should, at such a juncture, absent myself from +the field of battle and hide no one knows where, the course is not so +unreasonable as it appears. Why should I run the risk of burning my +fingers by pulling chestnuts out of the fire, when the foremost men in +English politics vie with each other in the effort to do it for me? +Amongst the few people with whom I come in contact here I pass for a +curate of Evangelical views, who, for private reasons, has quitted his +family and congregation, and tries, ineffectually they slily think, to +disguise himself by dispensing with clerical garb. I encourage this +self-deception, and am left free to sit in the sun when there is +any--and there is really an astonishing amount on this Southern coast in +November--and when it rains I put up my umbrella. Sometimes I hear on it +the patter of distant conflicts in Ireland, and open revolt in London. +These echoes of wild disturbance only make the sweeter my retirement. I +know that I am foolish to imperil my pastoral peace by inviting a +communication from you which may confirm the vague reports I have +alluded to. Still, I am a little curious to know is it _really true_ +that W-LL-M O'BR-N sleeps on a plank bed; that W-LFR-D BL-NT, wearied of +the long repose of Egyptian affairs, has had his head broken by the +Royal Irish Constabulary; and that, with a refined cruelty which +testifies to the innate fiendishness of the Saxon nature, the presiding +Magistrate at Bow Street Police Court has ruthlessly refused to commit +for trial that truculent, dangerous personage, Mr. S-ND-RS, whom I +remember in the House as formerly Member for Hull? + + Yours serenely, C. S. P-RN-LL. + + * * * * * + +THE WAIL OF THE WIRE. + +(_With apologies to the Poet._) + +"It is stated that Mr. SWINBURNE'S new poem was cabled to New York." + + + Had I wist, wailed the wire in sea's hollow, + That thousands of lines I should list, + Pumped forth by a son of Apollo, + I would not have lain here, not I, + 'Twixt Briton and Yankee a tie: + No messages through me should fly, + Had I wist. + + Had I wist, they would make me swallow, + Huge poems all moonshine and mist, + In addition to "speeches" all hollow; + They shouldn't have cabled a thing, + They shouldn't have used me to wing, + Leagues of rhymes that the word-spinners sing, + Had I wist. + + * * * * * + +VALUABLE OPINION.--We understand that the Authorities have consulted Mr. +BRIEFLESS, Junior, Q.C., (Queer Counsel) on the right claimed by +indifferent passers-by to stand between the police and the mob, in view +of the Chief Commissioner's statement that such passers-by cause the +chief difficulty in quelling disturbance; The learned Counsel has given +a lucid opinion to the effect that any mere sightseer may be arrested +and imprisoned, unless he or she can prove the having come to the spot +for a riotous or other unlawful object. + + * * * * * + +May in November. + +(_At the Royalty Theatre._) + + Pieces French they're playing,-- + Jane's a pretty player,-- + Come with me a-Maying, + Gaily sings the Mayer. + + * * * * * + +THE LESSON FOR THE DAY.--At Lowestoft Mr. MUNDELLA spoke well and wisely +on certain fishery questions. "With regard to outrages," said he, "in +the North Sea, I counsel English fishermen to suffer wrong rather than +do wrong, as then they could demand the protection of their industry by +Government." Why not get the start of the HARTINGTON and GOSCHEN +Travelling Co. (Limited), and deliver these excellent sentiments in +Ireland? + + * * * * * + +"The Grosvenor 'Split,'" ought at once to be adopted by the Restaurant +of that establishment as a title for a special mixed drink. Let Sir +COUTTS patent it. + + * * * * * + +"SPECIAL CONSTABLES."--Those belonging to the Collection in the National +Gallery. + + * * * * * + +"IN THE PRESS."--Mr. O'BRIEN'S clothes. + + * * * * * + +'TWILL ILLUME. + +(_Poe applied._) + +"Mr. WALT WHITMAN has just sent to Mr. ERNEST RHYS, a preface and some +new material for a second 'popular' volume of prose, to consist of +'Democratic Vistas' and other pieces." + + _Athenæum._ + + Then I pacified Psyche, and kissed her, + And tempted her out of her gloom, + With the latest Walt-Whitmanish "Vista," + Which Democracy showed as our doom; + Our unwelcome but obvious doom. + And I said, "How's it written, sweet Sister?" + "Is it bosh? Will it be a big boom?" + She replied, "'Twill illume, 'twill illume. + It is bosh, but quidnuncs 'twill illume!" + + *** Mr. POE, and not _Mr. Punch's_ Poet, is responsible for this + Cockney rhyme. + + + * * * * * + +"CHRISTMAS IS COMING!"--"Tell me not in _Christmas_ Numbers," that +Christmas is coming. We wish the good old gentleman would not announce +his intended arrival so long beforehand. Everybody knows, that, like one +of his own Christmas books, he is "bound to appear" at a certain fixed +date. Among the first of the heralds on the bookstalls is the Christmas +Number of the _Penny Illustrated_, price threepence, and well worth the +money. Mr. LATEY, Junior, arranges a Christmas Literary and Artistic +Banquet, and every plate has a plateful of Christmas fare. The picture +entitled "Spoons" and representing two persons in evening-dress slipping +downstairs--"such a getting downstairs"--in a sitting position, probably +two amateur Tobogganists, is distinctly humorous. The coloured +illustration, called _The Christmas Ball_, will be a great favourite +with boys. If the Early Bird still catches the worm, the Latey one who +is first in the field with this Christmas number ought to pick up the +three-pennies. + + * * * * * + +LITERARY.--It is announced that _Mr. Snodgrass_ has "thoroughly revised +his translations from HEINE." We expect next to hear that _Mr. Tracy +Tupman_ has "Englished" _Catullus_, and that _Mr. Winkle_ is preparing a +new edition of the _Book of Sports_. + + * * * * * + +FLORAL APPEAL TO NOVEMBER.--"Fog-get-me-not!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NE PLUS ULTRA. + +_Jeames I._ "VERY DANGEROUS PARTIES THESE HUNEMPLOYED! WHY, THEY'RE A +BEGINNIN' TO DENOUNCE _HUS_!" _Jeames II._ "_NO!_"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +"'Twas in Trafalgar's Square." + +Nov. 20, 1887. + +_Nelson (as Special Constable) sings:_-- + +"England expects that every man This day will go on Duty!"] + + * * * * * + +THE LAST OF THE SOLOMONSES.--The final knockdown blow was given to poor +TUPPER'S _Proverbial Philosophy_ by Mr. JOHN MORLEY, who, in his +admirable discourse on Aphorisms, described it as a "too famous volume," +which "had immense vogue, but it is so vapid, so wordy, so futile, as to +have a place among the books that dispense with parody." Alas! poor +TUPPER! _Mr. Punch_ bids thee adieu for ever! + + * * * * * + +Will Mr. LOCKYER turn his attention Eastwards, and inform us if the +Corporation of the City of London is a "Self-luminous Body"? If so, +couldn't it be utilised in a fog? + + * * * * * + +Describing the state of mind her Nephew was in on not being able to find +a stud at the last moment to put in his shirt-front, Mrs. RAM said, "Oh, +he was awfully iterated." + + * * * * * + +A MESS.--What's on the _tapis_ in France? GRÉVY. M. WILSON, who speaks +Latin with English pronunciation, throws all the blame on his +father-in-law, and says it's a "_Grévy delictum_." + + * * * * * + +"SPECIAL" REASONS: + + _Or, Why They were "Sworn In."_ + + _Paterfamilias._ "Because I think it's my duty, as a law-abiding + citizen, to set a good example." + + _Mister Tom (his son)._ "Because I must look after the old Governor, + and see he doesn't come to grief." + + _Mr. Brown, Q.C._ "Because I'm not going to let those fellows, JONES + and ROBINSON, think that I shirk the responsibility." + + _Messrs. Jones, M.D., and Robinson, R.A._ "Because we don't mean to be + outdone by that fellow BROWN." + + _The West-end Young Man._ "Because, you know, I think, on the whole, + it's the correct thing to do." + + _The Primrose-League Young Man._ "Because I should very much like to + have a real chance of giving a Social Democrat a good whack on + the head." + + _'Arry._ "Because it's such a prime lark." + + _The General Person._ "Because everybody seems to be doing it." + + * * * * * + +Mem. by a Hater of Premature "Christmassing." + + "Christmas comes but once a year"-- + But it lasts three months at a stretch, that's clear. + _I_ should like to pass the whole quarter in slumbers, + To dodge the infliction of--Christmas Numbers! + + * * * * * + +The Great Ochipaway Chief says that he intends to continue selling his +chips. But he has a log by him with which, as he has kept it for many +years, he will not part on any account. + + * * * * * + +ON A RECENT CASTING VOTE. + + What! How did LYTTON get into the chair! + The usual way--he mounted by the STAIR. + + * * * * * + +THE REPORT ON THE FIRE AT THE EXETER THEATRE.--"Slow, but SHAW." + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +For the library shelves of those whom "Providence has _not_ blessed with +affluence," and who cannot afford first editions or expensive bindings, +and for the working Journalist's library, the most useful books, the +most handy, though not belonging to the regular "Handy Volume Series," +and the best adapted to the pockets of most men, specially of the class +above mentioned, are those forming _Morley's Universal Library_; +published by ROUTLEDGE AND SONS, which now number about fifty-five +volumes. BUTLER, BACON, CAVENDISH, COBBETT, DANTE, GOETHE, GOLDSMITH, +THOMAS-À-KEMPIS, SOPHOCLES, and DE QUINCEY, are all well represented; +and, following the fashion of the day, were I asked to provide "the +young man just beginning active life" with a list of the best set of +books for his study and perusal, I should have no hesitation in +referring him to _Morley's Universal Library_; and I know of no more +useful present at this Christmas time, or at any other time, than the +neat and convenient oak cases, a guinea each, made on purpose to contain +fifteen of the MORLEY volumes. I trust they will go on from year to +year, and so continue to deserve the title first given them by _Mr. +Punch_, of the "More-and-Morely Series," which fully expresses a +constant supply to meet a growing demand. + +Long expected come at last! The HENRY IRVING and FRANK MARSHALL +_Shakspeare_, Vol. I., produced by Messrs. BLACKIE (one of which Firm +ought evidently to come out as _Othello_) as the Manager of the Lyceum +always gets up his plays "regardless of expense." The prefaces and +introductions will delight everyone who acknowledges the force of the +common-sense opinion, emphatically expressed more than once in _Mr. +Punch's_ pages, that SHAKSPEARE if acted just "as he is wrote" would not +suit the taste of an audience of the present day. The taste of the +modern audience is corrupted by Sensationalism and Materialism in every +shape and form--and at some theatres Materialism in shape and form is +one of the main attractions--and so impatient is it of anything like +development of character by means of dialogue, that it would have most +plays, no matter whether comedies or melodramas (there are no tragedies +now, except SHAKSPEARE'S), reduced as nearly as may be to mere ballets +of action. For the maxim of our audiences in this last quarter of the +"so-called" Nineteenth Century, as regards the drama, is _Facta non +verba_; before which imperious command those "who live to please," and +who "must please to live," are compelled, be they authors or actors, to +bow, and do their best, speaking as little as possible, so as not to +give offence. + + "Break, break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue," + +is the cry of any author nowadays who aims at writing a true Comedy. Mr. +IRVING marks clearly enough all the passages usually omitted in +representation, which of themselves would make a small volume, but we +are not shown the arrangement of scenes necessitated by the exigences of +the stage, or rather by the taste of the audience, and so in this +respect the plays remain pretty much as their author left them. Some +stage-directions have been introduced, but as Mr. FRANK MARSHALL denies +that this is in any sense an "acting edition"--while Mr. IRVING in his +preface rather seems to imply that in some sense it is so,--I should be +inclined to describe the work as "a contribution in aid of an acting +edition," and I am delighted to add, a most valuable contribution it is, +at least so far. _Ex uno disce omnes_, and if the other volumes are only +on a par with this first instalment, IRVING and MARSHALL'S--it wouldn't +do to put MARSHALL first in the Firm, because it would at once suggest, +"and SNELGROVE" to follow--or this HENRY and FRANK'S edition of +SHAKSPEARE will be one of the most perfect and the most serviceable to +the ordinary reader that has as yet been given to the public. In order +to illustrate the Messrs. BLACKIE'S judicious liberality, Mr. MARSHALL +tells us that, with the view of making the work more complete by the +introduction of certain explanations, "they (Messrs. BLACKIE) entirely +recast all the notes to _Richard the Second_, though they (the notes, +not Messrs. BLACKIE) had been already stereotyped." Oh, that Theatrical +Managers would be as wise in their generations as were even these poor +publishers, and when they see that a piece, SHAKSPEARE'S or anybody +else's, is in an unsatisfactory state for representation, at once +"recast it entirely," in spite of all the old "stereotyped" tie-wig +objections. Mr. IRVING in his preface makes a sort of apology for the +luxurious extravagance of modern stage decoration. There is no necessity +for this. The Stage reflects the fashion of the day, and that fashion is +Materialism. Mr. MARSHALL'S critical remarks on _The Comedy of Errors_, +_Love's Labour's Lost_, _Romeo and Juliet_, and _Henry the Sixth_, Part +I., are admirable, difficult subjects being most delicately handled. He +has no note on the appearance of an "Abbess," and on a scene "in front +of a Priory," in the first of these plays, of which the action takes +place about 300 B.C.; but I suppose that, though seldom risking anything +in a case of importance, he on this occasion consulted the DYCE, and +concluded that there was some "a priory" argument in favour of the +existence of Abbesses three hundred years before they were invented. A +genius like SHAKSPEARE is above time and place. Mr. MARSHALL is of +opinion (in a footnote, and I think he has here put his foot in it) that +SHAKSPEARE never descended to sycophancy for the sake of pleasing his +royal patroness. I shall be curious to see what he has to say on this +subject when he comes to tackle the characteristic speech given to +_Cranmer_ in the last scene of _Henry the Eighth_. Mr. MARSHALL dealing +with _Joan of Arc_, in _Henry the Sixth_, notices how SHAKSPEARE halts +between two opinions, but decides as a courtier and a man of business +would have done. The courtier remembers that _Joan_ was not the only +heroic virgin who had cheered her troops on to victory, but that the +masculine Queen BESS had also mounted a cock-horse, like the lady of +Banbury Cross, and had encouraged her soldiers with brave words at +Tilbury Fort. Where the full-flavoured British Queen had succeeded, +evidently the humble Gallic peasant maid must fail, at least, on the +stage. If _Gloriana_ was to be the pride of Old England, _La Pucelle_ +must be held up to _Gloriana's_ subjects as a vile impostor, and a +witch. SHAKSPEARE would not allow sentiment to interfere with business. +Most of Mr. GORDON BROWNE'S illustrations are charmingly designed and +executed, and the prefaces, introductions to SHAKSPEARE'S family +(managed by F.A.M., Master of the Ceremonies), and critical remarks, +ought to satisfy the most exacting of Shakspearian students. + +[Illustration: "Hist, Romeo, hist!" _R. & J._, Act II., Sc. 2.] + +[Illustration: "He bears him like a portly gentleman." _R. & J._, Act +I., Sc. 4.] + +_Prince Lucifer_ (MACMILLAN & CO.) by ALFRED AUSTIN. I do not wish to +make an ostentatious--or rather, in this instance, Austin-tatious-- +display of my unpoetic nature, but I cannot understand why ALFRED the +Less chose this name of _Lucifer_ for his hero. The title, for +advertising purposes, certainly arrests the eye. Of course, as ALFRED +the Less would say, in his light Lucifer manner-- + + "Lucifer," I own to liking; | Names are nothing, if not striking. + +And Lucifer is nothing to speak of, if not intended to serve a striking +purpose. A second title might perhaps have assisted the public to an +explanation, _Lucifer; or, The Love Match_. _Prince Lucifer_ suggests +something naughty, and worse--or naughty in werse--for there is nothing +to assure us beforehand that Mr. AUSTIN'S "Prince of Darkness is a +gentleman" who wouldn't shock our religious or moral sentiments on any +account, not even on his own. But though the book could not, perhaps, be +recommended by Mr. PODSNAP to the "Young Person," yet I should carefully +consider the intelligent capacity of the Young Person before presenting +her with such a specimen of "light and misleading" literature as _Prince +Lucifer_, to judge it only from its title, might Austinsibly be. It +contains some of Mr. AUSTIN'S best work, and when, in this foggy +weather, I call for "Light! More light!" I shall be perfectly satisfied +if they bring me Mr. AUSTIN'S new patent _Lucifer_. + + YOUR OWN BARON DE BOOK WORMS. + +[Illustration:] + + * * * * * + +Albert Hall Concert, Wed., Nov. 16. + + With PATTI, and SANTLEY, and LLOYD, + The attraction was great, and it drew + An audience muchly annoyed + By a fog they could scarcely see through. + "Big House"--it was choke-full ... of fog, + Which kept a good many away. + Too bad, for a "dead-head" is Fog,-- + Comes in free. Mister Fog doesn't pay. + + * * * * * + +A CONFESSOR'S COSTUME.--Under a system of prison discipline admitting of +no distinction of prisoners, Mr. W. O'BRIEN, confined in Tullamore Gaol, +complains that he has been deprived of the clothes which he prefers to +the prison uniform. Some sympathy is due to a misguided gentleman +divested of decent habiliments; but the grievance which he has +injudiciously brought upon himself is one for which he will sooner or +later, at least if he pleases, be enabled to obtain redress. + + * * * * * + +L. C. & D. v. S. E. + + Says WATKIN, "This, FORBES, + Makes us open our orbs!" + + "Your orbs," FORBES replies, + "And your pockets likewise." + + * * * * * + +OUR DEBATING CLUB. + +With the fall of the leaf, and the first touch of fog in the atmosphere, +it has been the time-honoured practice of the "Gargoyle" Club, ever +since its establishment eighteen months ago, to resume the sittings, +temporarily suspended during the Summer. The "Gargoyles" are, I should +explain, an assembly of earnest, thoughtful young men, who arrange to +meet upon one evening in the week for purposes of mental friction, and +the discussion of the social questions of the day. We have a President, +an Honorary Secretary, a ballot-box, a balance-sheet, a printer's bill, +and, in short, everything handsome about us. It is the custom to consume +tobacco, in some form, during our meetings--except in the case of a +member who is actually upon his legs addressing the house, when +etiquette, and indeed convenience, require him to abstain for the time +being. It is, perhaps, this rule which restricts several of us +(including the writer) from expressing our sentiments in any sustained +form. For myself, indeed, I am the victim of a diffidence at present +unconquerable; it costs me an inconceivable effort to say even as much +as "hear-hear," and accordingly I listen and learn, making copious notes +for future edification, and coming away on each occasion with a strong +flavour of tobacco, and the consciousness that, intellectually speaking, +the evening has been by no means wasted. These notes I am now enabled, +by the express sanction of a majority of the members (who considered it +only right that some suggestive crumbs from our feasts of reason should +be conceded to the outer world) to communicate through the medium of +_Mr. Punch_. We could, perhaps, have preferred a journal with a higher +reputation for seriousness, but the truth is that the daily papers +declined, by common consent, to report our proceedings, on the plea that +they were "not of sufficient public interest;" and we therefore decided +to waive the obvious disadvantages of association with a paper of whose +tone we do not always or entirely approve, in consideration of placing +ourselves in touch with a section of the public who are too little apt +to give any serious attention to improving topics. + +The Editor, somewhat autocratically, has reserved the right of +condensation and selection, although it has been pointed out to him +that--without adding a single extra sheet to his number--ample space +could be afforded for a full report (which I would undertake to furnish) +of our debates were the simple expedient adopted of temporarily +discontinuing the Cartoon in our favour. Popular as we cannot but think +such a step would be, we gravely fear that it will not be taken--unless +some pressure is brought to bear from outside. It is something, perhaps, +even to have gained as much as we have; something that, amidst the +shrill squeak and frivolous chuckle of _Punch_, will be heard from time +to time the deeper, graver notes of the Gargoyle Club. We are not +enemies of fun; we only think that there may be many, like ourselves, +who consider it possible to have too much of it. The Editor, we are glad +to admit at once, seems quite to recognise the sincerity of our desire +to raise the tone of his periodical, and is willing to allow us to try +the experiment--though he expresses a doubt whether these contributions +will have quite the effect we anticipate. We shall see. In the meantime, +I must preface my first notes, taken last Session, by a short sketch of + +PINCENEY, OUR PRESIDENT. + +PINCENEY possesses a mind, perhaps the most comprehensive in all +Paddington. I have known him--I wish I could say intimately--now for +over nine months, and I can confidently assert that I have never yet +heard him confess to ignorance of any department of human knowledge, of +any branch of modern thought! In intellectual stature he towers miles +above us all, and weekly increases that altitude under our very eyes by +drinking two bottles of some sparkling beverage composed of phosphates. +He is coldly tolerant of the world's failings, and is understood to +confine himself to a fish diet. He speaks little, but that little falls +with immense weight. PINCENEY is not genial, or, indeed social of +manner--he suffers us, but not gladly--listening to each speaker with +conscientious attention, as if it was always possible that he might +utter something not immeasurably below contempt before he sat down. He +has a little bell by which he warns the wanderer, and paralyses the +prolix, and his preliminary caress of this bell is a rebuke in itself. +It would be too much to say that PINCENEY is popular amongst his fellow +Gargoyles; he neither courts nor desires popularity. Indeed, he ranges +somewhat too much apart, and goes home alone by the Underground the +moment his duties are concluded. But he is greatly respected, and if we +feel, as we sometimes do feel, that his standard is rather too high and +exacting, at other times the consciousness acts upon us as a decided +incentive. + +OUR VICE-PRESIDENT. + +HARTUPP, our Vice-President, is of a very different mental calibre and +disposition. He is of a warm and enthusiastic temperament, and endowed +with a lava-like flow of eloquence. HARTUPP is showy, but, as he would +be the first to admit himself, a trifle superficial. He is at present +articled to a solicitor, but he is more calculated to shine at the Bar, +where fervour has a freer scope than in an office. He melts and thrills +us by turns, speaking without preparation and without notes, for which +he apologises in carefully constructed sentences. Altogether, HARTUPP is +one of our most distinguished Gargoyles. I may add that he lives at +Notting Hill with his mother. + +OUR HONORARY SECRETARY. + +Mr. FREDERICK FADELL, is one of our most energetic and useful members. +He is the only one (except perhaps PINCENEY) who possesses anything like +a working acquaintance with all the rules. He is a Barrister-at-Law, and +finds his chambers very useful for preparing minutes and sending out +notices relative to the business of the Club. FADELL is no great orator, +though he can speak with some fluency to a point of order. What he +_really_ enjoys is superintending an election by ballot. During our +debates he steals about with an air of mystery, conducting long +conversations in a whisper with such members as he wishes to induce to +join in the discussion. His whole existence is bound up in the Gargoyle +Club, and he is deeply alive to the responsibilities of his position. + +With these preliminary introductions, the Public must be perforce +contented for the present. I hope, however, on future occasions, to be +permitted to give some further idea of the work we are doing, and more +especially of the manner in which it is performed--though the ruthless +compression to which, as I have hinted above, I have reason to believe +my notes will be subjected, may deprive them of much of their interest +and value. + + * * * * * + +SO SEASONABLE, YOU KNOW. + +SIR,--I read a letter in the _St. James's Gazette_, signed "PAGE HOPPS." +The gentleman stood for somewhere, and may be standing still, were such +a contradiction in terms between "standing still" and "Hopps" +reconcileable. Is he an Irreconcileable? I am no politician, and don't +want to be, specially just now. But such a name as "PAGE HOPPS" must +stand for something, and what struck me as a sort of Christmassy idea +was, what a cheery, suggestive name "PAGE HOPPS" really is! What a +picture it conjures up of a true old-fashioned Christmas jollification, +where all distinctions are obliterated, the Masses join with the +Classes, and the Misses go with the Kisses, under the sprig of +mistletoe. "PAGE HOPPS!" What a delightful household! Page hops, Butler +skips, Footman jumps, Cook capers, Housemaid dances, Scullerymaid +slides, while + + Master plays the violin, + And Missus the guitar. + We are a merry family, + We are! We are! We are!! + +I drink his health, the health of P. HOPPS, Hop! Hop! Hooray! in beer, +of course. This comes hopping you're well. + + Yours ever, + +_Spring Bank, Out of Bounds._ A. HOPPIDAN. + + * * * * * + +To the Unemployed. + + "Remember Mitchelstown!" + And do not join a mob. + But if you do, you're likely to + Get "one" upon your nob. + + If not to get knocked down, + And squelched, you greatly care, + Remember, then, both Mitchelstown, + And eke Trafalgar Square! + + * * * * * + +_Sports and Anecdotes of Bygone Days._ By C. T. S. B. REYNARDSON. +Without four initials Reynard's son ought to know by this time as much +about sport as sly old Reynard himself. Illustrated, too, in colours, +but not with his own brush. + + * * * * * + +The Powers that Be. + + Against "One Man Power," the cry is now raised, + By moralists noted for meekness. + Perchance the new protest were more to be praised, + If directed against "one man weakness." + The partisan man is so given to glower, + At his bigger, or luckier, brother man, + One fears that this railing against "one-man power," + Means craving the power for--_another_ man. + +CHIEF ITEM IN A GLADSTONIAN MENU.--"A Chop and Chips." + +A PERFECT PANDEMONIUM.--Demon-stration in Trafalgar Square. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE "PONDS ASINORUM" AGAIN! + +_Cabby._ "OH! YER THINKS SEVEN-AND-SIXPENCE TOO MUCH, DO YER, FOR COMIN' +ALL THE WAY UP TO 'AMPSTEAD! WELL--'ERE I STOPS TILL I'M PAID, THAT'S +ALL!"] + + * * * * * + +EXTRA SPECIAL. + +As many married men have recently been sworn in as supplementary +Policemen, and as ladies are usually entirely ignorant of law, it +may be as well to give a list of the statutory regulations of the +duties of Special Constables. Here they are:-- + +1. Special Constables will occasionally be expected to spend several +hours every evening in the card-room of the Club in search of +information. + +2. Their duties may occasionally require them to pay a visit to Paris +for a fortnight, or even three weeks, to study for themselves on the +spot the working of the French Judicature Act. + +3. It may be imperatively necessary for them to be present at the "first +nights" of new pieces, when, they will be expected to take supper at the +Club, so that they may have an opportunity of confidentially exchanging +notes with their fellow-constables. + +4. At any time they may be required not to dine at home, but, for +purposes of the police, join a visit of inspection to dinners chiefly +associated with bachelors. + +5. Every Special Constable (if not already in possession of one) must be +supplied with a latch-key, under a penalty of £20--payable by his wife. + +6. It is strictly forbidden (and the offence, when proved, will entail a +sentence of penal servitude for an indefinite period) for a Special +Constable to give any information as to his movements to any one, +inclusive of his wife. + +7. It will be a part of his duty occasionally to come home with the man +bringing the early morning milk. + +8. Lastly, on extraordinary occasions, when it is necessary that he +should be ready to return to his beat at a moment's notice, it is lawful +that he should retire to bed in his boots. + + * * * * * + +REASONS WHY.--The CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER will accompany Lord +HARTINGTON to Ireland, first because he thinks that the latter's stolid +style of oratory will have no effect on the impulsive Celt without a +good deal of gushin'; and, secondly, because he wants to have his share +of the anticipated HARTY reception. + + * * * * * + +PROMENADING. + +I attended the Opening Night of the Promenade Concerts at Her Majesty's +on Saturday week. A crowded house; everybody in the best of humours. +Mlle. ELLY WARNOTS trilled her most brilliant "variations," Miss +FLORENCE ST. JOHN carried off the lioness's share of applause and +bouquets. There was a new "Vocal valse," entitled "_Laughing Beauties_" +in which a chorus of "ladies in costume" invited us to buy what the +programme waggishly described as:-- + + "Sweet violets for the meek, tra, la, la, la, la, + Fond _ivory_ for the weak, ha, ha, ha, ha, ho!" + +The programme, by the way, contained one or two other similar +eccentricities. Miss ST. JOHN was announced as inquiring in a song of +BEHREND'S, "Why do your big tears _fears_ fall, Daddy?"--hardly a fair +question to be addressed to any parent. Fortunately she preferred to +sing the line in a less enigmatical form, but the gifted author of +_Daddy_, should insist on correcting his own proofs next time. Then we +had a "descriptive Piece for Orchestra,"--_The Bulgarian Patrol_, in +which the melody began faintly, and came nearer and nearer with the +clank of metal, till it gradually died away again in the distance. "Oh, +wot a novelty!" as I heard a street-vendor remark the other day +concerning the "panorammer of the Lord Mayor's Show," he was offering to +a dubious public. But the public at Her Majesty's applauded the +_Bulgarian Patrol_ as impartially as they did his Turkish forerunner. + + (_Signed_) A. BOUTIGO JONES. + + * * * * * + +ADVICE GRATIS.--Young HOFFMANN is Hoff! Gone from our gaze, perhaps, +with a COOK'S Ticket. But, anyhow, the Juvenile Phenomenal Pianist has +gone. Peace go with him--let him rest. Don't allow him to get within +half a mile of a piano, or he is sure to go to pieces. All work and all +play will make young HOFFMANN a dull Young Man. Beware, O Parents and +Guardians, in time. + + * * * * * + +_À PROPOS_ OF A CERTAIN ILLUSTRIOUS SUFFERER.--Who shall +decide when Doctors disagree? The Patient. This is the sad Moral, +MACKENZIE. + +[Illustration: THE GRAND OLD _JANUS_. + +"QUITE RIGHT, CONSTABLE!" | "QUITE WRONG, CONSTABLE!!"] + + * * * * * + +'ARRY ON LAW AND ORDER! + +[Illustration] + +DEAR CHARLIE, + + Ascuse shaky scribble; I'm writing this letter in bed. + Went down to the Square, mate,--last Sunday,--and got a rare clump on + the 'ed. + Beastly shame, and no error, my pippin! Me cop it! It's too jolly rum. + When a reglar Primroser gits toko, one wonders wot next there will + come. + + It wos all Bobby's blunder, in course; Mister BURLEIGH and me was + "mistook." + _I_ went jest for a lark, nothink else, and wos quietly slinging my + 'ook, + Wen a bit of a rush came around me, a truncheon dropped smack on my + nob, + And 'ere I ham, tucked up in bed, with a jug of 'ot spruce on the + 'ob. + + 'Ard lines, ain't it, CHARLIE, old hoyster? A barney's a barney, dear + boy, + And you know that a squeege and a skylark is wot I did always enjoy. + A street-rush is somethink splendacious to fellers of sperrit like me, + But dints and diakkylum plaster will spile the best sport, dontcher + see. + + Don't you fancy the "Hunemployed," bunkum has nobbled me; not sech a + mug! + And as fer O'BRIEN and his breeches, I'm glad the fool's fairly in + jug. + No, no, Law and Horder's my motter, but wen a spree's on 'ARRY'S + there; + And I thought, like a lot of the Swells, I should find one that day + in the Square. + + Lord Mayor's Day with a scrimmage chucked in is a hopening too + temptin' to miss. + More pertikler wen all in "the Cause"--Law and Horder, I mean, + mate--like this. + I despises the Poor and the Spouters; to see their 'eds jolly well + broke + Is fun, but a bash on one's own--well, there, somehow it spiles the + whole joke. + + The Perlice wos too dashed hinderscriminate, that's where it wos, my + dear boy; + Wich they couldn't take _me_ for a Paddy or 'umbugging "Out of + Employ." + Wen that cop got his hand on my collar he ought to 'ave knowed like a + shot, + By the Astrykan only, that _I_ wasn't one o' the Socherlist lot. + + I 'ate 'em, dear CHARLIE, I 'ate 'em! They wants to stop piling the + pelf, + Wen that is wot every dashed one of us wants to be piling hisself. + No, Wealth is wot _must_ be kep up and pertected, wotever goes wrong; + And to talk of abolishing Millionnaires, CHARLIE, is coming it strong. + + They are like prize Chrysanthemums, CHARLIE; for, if you want them, + don'tcher see, + You must nip off some thousands of buds to let one or two swell and + grow free. + Jest you turn a lot loose in yer garden, and _that_ ain't the way as + they'll grow; + But if 'undreds weren't sacrificed daily to one, you would not get + no Show. + + That's Life in a nutshell, my bloater! All wants to be fust, but they + can't; + Most on us is wasters; the game of the snide un's to be a Prize Plant. + Then you're mugged up to-rights and made muck of, but, oh, you must be + a big ass, + If you fancies as daisies is dealt with like horchids, and grown under + glass! + + Ask Gentleman JOE. _He_ knows better, he's finding it out more and + more, + And his Radical rot about "ransom" won't turn up agen; it don't score. + "Law and Horder's" the tip I can tell yer. I'm on to it fairly for + one, + And there's ony one thing I finds fault with; they _do_ rayther + bunnick up Fun! + + If heverythink's on the Q.T., and a Peeler is always at 'and-- + And _that's_ Law and Horder you bet, as beknown to the rich and the + grand-- + It's O.K. for the 'olders of ochre, who, if they've a mind for a + spree, + Can always palm-oil Mr. Peeler, and do it _upon_ the Q.T. + + But hus, CHARLIE, hus? I likes Horder, and likeways I'm partial to + Law, + Wen it means keeping _my_ swim all clear, and a muzzling my henemy's + jaw. + Wy, nothink could easy be nicerer, then, don'tcher see, dear old pal; + But supposing that game interferes with _my_ larks, or _my_ lush, or + _my_ gal? + + Local Hopshun, for instance, or Betting Laws, Prize Fight pervention, + and such + That some mealy-mouthed mugs are so sweet on; if they cop us, life + ain't wuth much. + Contrydicting myself? Oh, well, CHARLIE, I've sech a blarmed pain in + my 'ed, + And life looks a queer sort of mix wen you boss the whole bizness from + bed. + + DAN the Dosser, who knows the Square well, 'aving slep in it night + arter night, + Sez the Golden Calf safely railed in by the Law is a 'eavenly sight. + Acos Horder is 'Eaven's first Law, and, in conserkense, Law Earth's + first horder; + The Calf may sit safely hinside, whilst Scapegoats is kep hout of the + border. + + I can't git the 'ang of his lingo; his patter's all picter somehow, + And wot he quite means by that Calf, mate, _I_ dunno no more than a + cow. + But the Scapegoat, that's _him_, I suppose, and he looks it; it's + rough, as he says; + No marbles, no lodging, no grub, and that sort o' thing kep up for + days! + + But the Scapegoats must not kick up shindies, and stop up our streets + and our squares, + That's a moral. Perhaps there is grabbers as wants to swag more than + their shares. + I ain't nuts on sweaters myself, and I do 'ate a blood-sucking screw, + Who sponges and never stands Sam, and whose motto's "all cop, and no + blue." + + Still, this 'ere blooming Hanarchy, CHARLEY, won't do at no figger, + dear boy. + A bit of a rorty romp round in the open a chap can enjoy, + But brickbats and hoyster-knives? Walker! Not on in that scene, mate, + not me! + And a bash on the nob with a batton is not _my_ idea of a spree. + + To bonnet a lot of old blokes and make petticoats squeal is good biz, + But a Crusher's 'ard knuckles a crunching yer scrag? No, I'm blowed + if _that_ is! + Let 'em swarm "in their thousands"--the mugs!--and their black and red + flags let 'em carry; + But wen they are next on the job they will 'ave to look wide-oh! for + 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +CUTTINGS AND SLIPS.--The following were extracted from the _Manchester +Evening News_, Nov. 14:-- + + RESPECTABLE Woman WANTS WASHING, at Altrincham. + + RESPECTABLE Widow WANTS WASHING for Tuesday. + +The first one is not in a hurry; the second is, and names the day. Then +or never. At first we thought it was a new form of advertising +Somebody's Soap. + + * * * * * + +TO HIS MISTRESS. + +_From a Distracted Grammarian with "To Be" in his Bonnet._ + + With you, O Superlative Maiden, + There can no Comparison be; + And though Grammar makes "You" Second Person, + You are first of all Persons to me. + + At Present my life is Imperfect + (Not Irregular, _nota bené_), + But with you for Auxiliary, dearest, + How Perfect our Future might be. + + Considering my Antecedents, + Your Relatives can but Agree; + And since I'm Defective in Number, + You cannot Decline me, you see. + + I sigh; but by mere Interjections + My Case cannot influenced be: + Then grant the Conjunction I plead for, + And so with your Subject agree. + + * * * * * + +Among the books with which the Prison Authorities should have supplied +Mr. O'BRIEN ought to have been a copy of "The Breeches Bible." When he +comes out, will he commence a suit against the Government? + + * * * * * + +AMERICAN CHORUS. + + We'll state what we think of your Brummagem JOE. + He's "so English you know,"--yes, "so English, you know." + + * * * * * + +"THE SLEEPER AWAKENED!" New Cantata, dedicated to the Right Hon. HENRY +MATTHEWS, the Not-Yet-Quite-at-Home Secretary. + + * * * * * + +PROBABLE PICTURES FOR CHRISTMAS NUMBERS + +BY SIR J. E. MILLAIS, R.A. + +(_Suggested by this eminent "Sporting and Dramatic" Artist's "Portia" +now being exhibited on all the bookstalls._) + +[Illustration: LADY MACBETH. + +"OR ANYBODY ELSE. DOESN'T MATTER. +QUITE A----J. E. M."] + +[Illustration: SHYLOCK; or, The Masher of Venice. + +"COMPANION PICTURE TO MY 'PORTIA.' +A VERY BRILLIANT----J. E. M."] + + * * * * * + +THE WOES OF THE WATER CONSUMER. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--What Greek philosopher was it who held that Water was +the beginning and essence of all things? Our modern Sanitarians appear +to agree with him. At any rate, if they do not look upon water as the +great essence, they declare it to be the prime essential, and present +fearsome pictures of the results of any deficiency in its plentifulness +and purity. + +But, Sir, between the Landlord who won't put it on, and the Water +Company who will cut it off, what is a poor Tenant to do? In one day I +read, first, that Mr. WILLIAM CHRISTIE is summoned by the Sanitary +Inspector of St. Saviour's, Southwark, for obstinately refusing to +provide a suitable water-supply to twelve houses in Park Street, +Southwark; secondly, that the East London Waterworks Company is summoned +by a Mr. ERNEST BRANSEMER for cutting off the water at his house in +Boundary Passage, Shoreditch, without lawful excuse. Looks encouraging, +doesn't it? True, Mr. KEBBELL, the Company's Solicitor, assured Mr. +HANNAY that the Company was really in the right, and that the man had +suffered from the fault of his Landlord. Perhaps so, in this case. +Anyhow it seems to be admitted that the man suffered, and suffered +unjustly. In this case, too, the Company (said its Solicitor) had been +"very good," had paid the man and settled the matter. Mr. HANNAY is +reported to have said, "Really!" which seems almost to imply a mild +surprise. Surprised at the "goodness" of a Water Company!!! Well, it is +a painful fact that the prevailing faith in the proprietors of +Waterworks is much of the complexion of _Sam Weller's_ in the +"Waterworks" of the Mulberry One. Only that the Companies, as a rule, +are not quite so ready to "turn it on at the main," as was the +lachrymose and deceptive _Job Trotter_. + +"The Company do not fear the Magistrate's decision," said Mr. KEBBELL, +loftily. "It is the trial by newspapers which follows, which is so +objectionable." Doubtless: from the Company's point of view. Whether the +Consumer shares that opinion may be questioned, perhaps. + +Anyhow, _Mr. Punch_, my own confidence in the "native worth" of Water +Companies and Landlords, being a plant of slow growth, which, indeed, +has hardly yet appeared above ground, I should like to call attention to +the dilemma which the "tub"-loving, fever-fearing Tenant is liable to +fall into between the two. If this savours of that obnoxious practice, +"trial by newspapers," I am sorry; but really, Sir, the Tenant has his +"trials," of another sort, which are very "objectionable" indeed, and +which, I fear, without the publicity afforded by the Press, neither the +justice of Landlords, nor the "goodness" of Water Companies could be +implicitly trusted to relieve him from. At least, such is the experience +of + + Yours truly, AQUARIUS. + + * * * * * + +KEPT IN; + +OR, THE LEAGUER BELEAGUERED. + +_A Right-thinking Radical requests information._ + + Hast thou seen that lordly castle, + The home of Mr. PYNE; + How round its patriot portals + The Peelers prowl and whine? + + I suppose those brutal butchers, + Without the slightest fail, + Would stretch the M.P. on the rack, + And afterwards impale? + +_An Unfeeling Unionist answers him_-- + + Well do I know that castle, + The home of Mr. PYNE; + But of the Peelers with their rack + There's not a single sign. + +_The Right-thinking Radical expresses surprise at the intelligence_-- + + Indeed! But at some high casement + Surely you saw him stand, + Or out from a towering rampart + Waving a mailèd hand? + +_The Unfeeling Unionist rejoins_-- + + I _did_ see him at the casement, + And he wore no armour at all, + But the Postman helps him haul the mail + Over his castle wall! + +_The Right-thinking Radical proceeds with his questionings_-- + + And sawest thou on the turret + How he paced to and fro, + All glorious in gold and purple, + Like a Knight of long ago? + +_The Unfeeling Unionist replies_-- + + He had a modern frock-coat on, + Which wasn't much of a fit; + And I think a Knight would have stopped to fight, + And not run away from a writ. + +_The Right-thinking Radical plies him once again_-- + + But do they not thirst, those Peelers, + To tear him limb from limb; + And level his antique castle, + If once they could get at him? + +_The Unfeeling Unionist ends the colloquy_-- + + That would not result from his capture; + You seem to have been misled! + It would merely entail a month in gaol, + Or perhaps, like O'BRIEN, in bed. + + * * * * * + +In the _Standard's_ report of Mr. LABOUCHERE'S after-dinner speech to +the members of the Eleusis Club, the warier of the two Northampton +Members observed, "that we lived in critical times, when it was +absolutely necessary that Radicals should hang together." Mr. LABOUCHERE +speaks trippingly, but he is not often to be caught tripping. The +Conservative _Standard_ missed an opportunity. + + * * * * * + +LATEST ADDITION TO FAIRY LAND.--Mr. Irish Secretary BALFOUR must be all +over the country at once. For this he requires Seven (Land)-League +boots. + + * * * * * + +THE REAL "EMPIRE OF THE HITTITES."--The prevailing passion for +pugilists. + + * * * * * + +A sporting tandem-driving Doctor of our acquaintance calls his leader +the _Hoss frontis_. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "'HAD HIM THERE!" + +_Free Kirk Elder._ "EIGH! MEENISTER, AH NO LIKE T'SEE YE TALKIN' WI' YON +EPEESCOPALIAN PRIEST!" + +_Minister._ "OO--I JEEST OFFERED TO SWAP COLLECTIONS WI'M, AN' HE SAID, +'NA, NA! I KEN YOUR FLOCK OWER WEEL!'"] + + * * * * * + +ALMOST TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +As an impecunious Peer, whose entire existence consists of +one long struggle to provide for the necessities of a large family, need +I say that my eye chanced upon the subjoined advertisement with a +sense of relief and hopefulness that words almost fail to express? I +quote it for your perusal. Here it is:-- + + WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR SONS.--Journalism.--Mr. DAVID ANDERSON, 222, + Strand, W.C., Author of _Scenes in the Commons_, &c., from 1879, a + principal Leader Writer, Special Correspondent, and Critic of the + _Daily Telegraph_, INSTRUCTS a limited number of YOUNG MEN in the + practical and literary branches of Journalism. Prospectus free. + + An ordinary trained Journalist earns from £300 to £1000 a year. + +That, _Mr. Punch_, is the question I have been asking myself for ever so +long--"What on earth _am_ I to do with my sons?" And this Mr. DAVID +ANDERSON, with a message that seems almost too good to be true, comes +like the radiant genius on to the scene, and says, "Send them to me, +your Grace, and I'll soon put 'em in the way of making from £300 to +£1000 a year. What do you think of that?" What do I think of it? Well, +all I can say is that it sounds to me like an ANDERSON'S Fairy Tale! + +Why, there's my elder son, the Marquis, just opened a market gardening +business at Tooting in a small way, and though he drives his cart up to +Covent Garden twice a week himself, I know he's not making a good thing +of it. PLANTAGENET, my second, I'm not ashamed to own it, shoulders a +butcher's tray; BERTRAM is a linen-draper's assistant in the Tottenham +Court Road; and ALGERNON is, _faute de mieux_, loafing about railway +stations, following cabs, in the hope of picking up a stray sixpence now +and then for carrying the luggage upstairs when they arrive at their +destinations. Poor boy! I had always meant him to have a Commission in +the Guards, but hard times have rendered that project impossible--and he +has come to this! + +With one hundred and seventy farms on my hands, the whole of my property +mortgaged, my house in Belgrave Square given up, and my establishment +confined to a couple of floors in a back street in Islington, the family +has, I need hardly say, to accept its altered fortunes with equanimity. +But, if Mr. DAVID ANDERSON is to be trusted, surely a brighter prospect +opens before us! How he manages his instructions "in the practical and +literary branches of journalism," is to me a mystery. How does he teach +his "limited number" of pupils to report--say, an inaudible speech? Then +there is their practical training for a crowd. Does he lead them at the +present moment, to Trafalgar Square, and teach them, in the event of a +collision with the police, to continue their labours up a lamp-post? +Again, how about initiating them into the work of a correspondent +mounted on the field of battle? Would their experience on a hired +cab-horse let loose in the midst of a procession of the Unemployed +afford the many useful experiences in this direction? Then, how about +the leader-writing? I do not say that the journalist, like the poet, +need necessarily be born one, yet for all that, the art of literary +composition is not one that can be readily acquired by anybody. + +Take my own case. I have written a _lever du rideau_ in the shape of a +farce, a light thing that plays only an hour and three-quarters, and +though I have submitted it to seventeen managers in succession, I have +never been able to induce one of them to try it even at a matinée. I +have also written a pantomime and left it, endorsed with my title at the +stage-door of a leading Metropolitan Theatre, from which however, +notwithstanding that I have made repeated applications for it in person, +I have never yet been able to succeed in getting it returned. But +journalism is, I am aware, distinct from dramatic literature, and +this inspires me with confidence. Indeed I shall lose no time in +communicating with Mr. DAVID ANDERSON and placing my four sons +unreservedly in his hands. Even if they did not as "trained journalists" +succeed in realising that brilliant level of £1000 per annum, with which +his advertisement so alluringly concludes, they might possibly touch the +figure half-way, and draw their modest five hundred a-piece. Need I say, +my dear Mr. Punch, if they did, how they would restore the fortunes of a +falling house, and in so doing, gladden the heart of yours hopefully, + + A DUKE IN DIFFICULTIES. + + * * * * * + +THE TOO-COMPLETE LETTER-WRITER.--M. WILSON. + + * * * * * + +THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE. + +(_A Cosmos Story._) + +CHAPTER I. + +Mr NOMAN LUCKIER, the eminent astronomer, was walking in his garden. +Suddenly he was staggered by a sharp blow on the head. Something fell at +his feet. It was not his head. He picked it up. It was a meteoric stone. +This set him thinking. + +"Here," said he, as he rubbed his newly-acquired phrenological +development with one hand and held the meteoric stone in the other, "is +a solid, ponderable body, which I can handle, examine, and analyse, and +it comes to me," continued the eminent scientist, extending his arms and +looking round him, then directing his gaze upwards, his eye dilating +with the grandeur of the discovery,--"it comes to me direct from the +Cosmos!" + +CHAPTER II. + +There was a chuckle from behind the neighbouring hedge, and, as the +Philosopher returned to his sanctum to write a paper on the "Spectra of +Meteorites," a small boy stepped cautiously out into the road, and +hurried down the lane. + +"Ooray!" muttered the small boy to himself; "the old gent don't know my +name. What did he say about 'Crismas'?" And he vanished into space. + +CHAPTER III. + +The Philosopher, with aching head, sat down to write, and penned these +words,-- + +"_Cosmical space is filled with meteorites of all sizes, flying about +with immense velocities in all directions._" + +"Good Heavens! or, rather, Bad Heavens!" exclaimed a simple-minded +visitor, to whom he read this statement, "why, 'Cosmical space' must be +uncommonly like a proclaimed district in Ireland, or Trafalgar Square +during a Socialist riot." + +The Philosopher perceived that he was not in the presence of a +sympathetic mind, and regretted having invited the visitor to lunch. + +CHAPTER IV. + +After lunch, Mr. NOMAN LUCKIER resumed his work. The simple-minded +friend followed him into his study, seated himself in the most +comfortable chair, lit a cigar, and produced from his pocket a +handy-volume edition of _Pickwick_. Oddly enough he commenced reading +the concluding portion of Chapter XXXVIII. of that immortal work, which +records how an elderly gentleman of scientific attainments suddenly +observed certain extraordinary and wonderful phenomena, which he +immediately concluded "it had been reserved for him alone to discover, +and which he should immortalise his name by chronicling for the benefit +of posterity. Full of this idea, the scientific gentleman seized the +pen" and began writing "sundry notes of these unparalleled appearances +... which were to form the data of a voluminous treatise of great +research and deep learning, which should astonish all the atmospherical +wiseacres that ever drew breath in any part of the civilised globe." +Subsequently, after a sharp shock which "stunned him for a full quarter +of an hour," produced by _Sam Weller's_ fist, the scientific gentleman +retired to his library, and there composed a masterly treatise which +"delighted all the Scientific Associations beyond measure, and caused +him to be considered a light of science ever afterwards." + +The simple-minded friend, having finished his cigar, replaced _Pickwick_ +in his pocket, and, smiling gently, stole out of the study on tiptoe, +leaving Mr. NOMAN LUCKIER profoundly absorbed in his "Preliminary +Notes." + +The boy, whose name was not COSMOS, is still at large,--and so is +COSMOS, very much so. + + * * * * * + +A LITERARY FIND. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH, + +A very intelligent threadbare man, evidently something of a scholar, has +just put me in possession of a manuscript of incalculable importance. It +is a drama called _Piccoviccius_, evidently of the Elizabethan era, +though brought into harmony with modern diction and orthography by a +later hand. A careful perusal of this priceless survival makes it +certain that SHAKSPEARE was not only familiar with it, but that he drew +very largely from it even to "cribbing" the names of many of the +characters bodily. This is not so remarkable, considering the very +slight right SHAKSPEARE has, in the opinion of the best critics, to the +authorship of his own plays, as the fact that DICKENS also had studied +Piccoviccius, and founded upon it his _Pickwick Papers_, with an +effrontery almost worthy of the Swan of Avon himself. Here is a +slightly-edited selection from the First Act, so your readers can judge +for themselves. + + Yours, bursting with importance, RODERICK TWEDDLE. + +P.S.--I have just founded a Piccoviccius Society. The subscription is £2 +2s., paid in advance. Members can read their own papers at any time, and +have them printed, at a reduced price, in our "Transactions." + +SCENE FROM ACT I.--_Romeo's Garden in Kent._ ROMEO, BERNARDO. + + _Ber._ News, news, my ROMEO! The world's upso down. + Duke PICCOVICCIUS hath broke the law, + Is under guard, and will be banished. + + _Rom._ Banished? Great Heaven! + + _Ber._ Banished, certainly + As eggs dissemble not their property. + + _Rom._ But why, how, when and where? What did the Duke? + + _Ber._ Thou knowest the scheme he long had pondered on, + To go among his people, like themselves, + As went through Bagdad's streets the Caliph wise. + + _Rom._ Yea, I remember; and the hour arrived, + When, having delegated his main pow'rs + To JINGULUS, and the Exchequer's charge + To careful DODSON and to subtle FOGG, + He, with no rites of State observ'd, set forth + With TUPMAN, SNODGRASS, WINKLE, in his train; + TUPMAN, who to experience in love + Still superadds the ardour of the boy; + SNODGRASS, the poet-treasurer of thought, + And singer of an unexpressive song, + And WINKLE, Nimrod's peer. These four set forth, + Due to return the seventh day from hence; + But I that selfsame hour came hitherward, + And since have heard no news of Court at all. + + _Ber._ Thus then I briefly tell thee what hath pass'd. + There came last week with 'plaining to the Court + A comely widow, who made oath that one + Who sojourned as a lodger in her house + Had promised marriage, but had gone away; + Left her, and left his promise unfulfill'd. + Guided by her, the officers had gone + To seize the culprit, and had found 'twas none + But PICCOVICCIUS, whom she claim'd with tears. + So he and those three lords were strait convey'd + Unto the Court, and put to interrogatories, + When this preliminary was advanced:-- + The Duke had lodging in BARDELLA'S house-- + So is the widow named; and on a day + Came these lords, usher'd by BARDELLA'S son, + Unto his chamber, but on the threshold stay'd + Still as LOT'S wife, in mere astonishment. + For there their staid and reverend leader stood, + Silent as they, supporting in his arms + The buxom widow, in a swoon of bliss. + Thus had they stood, confounded and amazed, + Till life returning gave BARDELLA speech, + But that the urchin, in a filial frenzy, + Butting like petulant kid, assailed the Duke, + And with the puissance of his puny arms + Avenged imagined injury. Then they, + Roused by the pious howlings of the boy + And agonised appeals of whom he smote, + Bore off the pigmy valour, and the mother, + Reviving, led away. The Duke averr'd + That, breaking to her of his new-found wish + To take into his service one WELLERIUS, + A shrewd and faithful henchman, she at once + Through rapid stages of affection ran, + And threw herself, in fine, upon his neck, + And thus was found, he speechless with surprise, + They, after, silent, striving to believe. + + _Rom._ It is a tale incredible and bald. + + _Ber._ Why so thought many; but this JINGULUS + Is all compassion for the widow's case. + DODSON and FOGG, his seconds in the realm, + Albeit unuséd to the melting mood, + Do keep turned on, sans intermission, + Salt pity's main. The people whisper change, + And what they whisper they are fain to make. + The nobles huddle in uncertainty, + Like sheep that meet a cart, the dog behind. + On the Rialto, ere I left this morning, + The hoarse-voiced makers of the books, whose leaves + Are I. O. U.'s to ruin, vainly laid + Long odds upon the widow. + + _Rom._'Tis not death? + + _Ber._ Nay, only banishment. Whoever breaks + A promise made to wed, to exile goes. + + _Rom._ Will not the widow take a forfeiture? + + _Ber._ It cannot be. There is no power in Brentford + Can alter a decree established. + Besides, the very object of the law + Is to prevent the payment of a price + For feelings wounded. The stern punishment + Makes flighty wooers careful, and restrains + The plots of scheming spinsters, who derive + No personal advantage from their suit. + + _Rom._ Then am I shent! + +But here the plot thickens, and we are plunged into the _Two Gentlemen +of Verona_, _Hamlet_, _As You Like It,_ and _A Winter's Tale_, with a +strong infusion of Dingley Dell, and the Fat Boy floating round, like a +materialised _Ariel_. I ask, _Who are the plagiarists?_ R. T. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration:] NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, +whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, +will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and +Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no +exception. + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's note: + +Alternative spellings were retained. + +Punctuation was made consistent. + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40645 *** |