diff options
Diffstat (limited to '40653-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 40653-0.txt | 4137 |
1 files changed, 4137 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/40653-0.txt b/40653-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..557e67a --- /dev/null +++ b/40653-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4137 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40653 *** + +THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + + +CHARLES MACKLIN + + +_A WILL AND NO WILL_, +OR _A Bone for the Lawyers_. + +(1746) + + +_THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZ'D_, +OR _The Plague of Envy_. + +(1747) + + +_Introduction by_ +JEAN B. KERN + + +PUBLICATION NUMBERS 127-128 +WILLIAM ANDREWS CLARK MEMORIAL LIBRARY +UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, LOS ANGELES +1967 + +GENERAL EDITORS + +George Robert Guffey, _University of California, Los Angeles_ +Maximillian E. Novak, _University of California, Los Angeles_ +Robert Vosper, _William Andrews Clark Memorial Library_ + + ADVISORY EDITORS + + Richard C. Boys, _University of Michigan_ + James L. Clifford, _Columbia University_ + Ralph Cohen, _University of Virginia_ + Vinton A. Dearing, _University of California, Los Angeles_ + Arthur Friedman, _University of Chicago_ + Louis A. Landa, _Princeton University_ + Earl Miner, _University of California, Los Angeles_ + Samuel H. Monk, _University of Minnesota_ + Everett T. Moore, _University of California, Los Angeles_ + Lawrence Clark Powell, _William Andrews Clark Memorial Library_ + James Sutherland, _University College, London_ + H. T. Swedenberg, Jr., _University of California, Los Angeles_ + + CORRESPONDING SECRETARY + + Edna C. Davis, _William Andrews Clark Memorial Library_ + + + + +Transcriber's Note: Footnote markers are missing for notes 9, 10, and +11 in the Notes to the Plays. + + + + +INTRODUCTION + + +The manuscript copies of these two plays by Charles Macklin, A WILL +AND NO WILL, OR A BONE FOR THE LAWYERS (1746) and THE NEW PLAY +CRITICIZ'D, OR THE PLAGUE OF ENVY (1747), are in the Larpent +Collection of the Huntington Library along with a third afterpiece +_The Covent Garden Theatre, or Pasquin Turn'd Drawcansir_ (1752) +already reproduced in facsimile as Number 116 of the Augustan Reprint +Society.[1] Since the introduction to _Covent Garden Theatre_ (ARS +116) already gives general biographical information on this +actor-playwright, Charles Macklin, as well as an indication of the +revived interest in his plays, this introduction will be limited to +the two afterpieces here reproduced. + +A WILL AND NO WILL, OR A BONE FOR THE LAWYERS (Larpent 58) was first +produced in 1746 and revived many times up to March 29, 1756, unlike +_The Covent Garden Theatre_ which was given only one performance in +1752. The Larpent manuscript 58 copy of A WILL AND NO WILL bears the +handwritten application of James Lacy to the Lord Chamberlain for +permission to perform the farce for Mrs. Macklin's benefit. It was +first performed at the Drury Lane Theatre April 23, 1746, following +_Humours of the Army_.[2] Sometimes advertised with a different +subtitle as A WILL AND NO WILL, OR A NEW CASE FOR THE LAWYERS,[3] it +was revived March 22, 1748, for Macklin's own benefit and apparently +was more popular in the revival since it was repeated five more times +on March 29, 31 and April 11, 21, 22.[4] The last performance listed +in _The London Stage_, Part 4, II, 535, was for Macklin's daughter's +benefit on March 29, 1756. + +Macklin's two-act farce, A WILL AND NO WILL, is based on Regnard's +five-act comedy _le Legetaire Universel_ (1707), which is itself a +composite of Italian comedy with echoes of Molière, moving from scene +to scene with little effort at logical consistency or structure but +treating each scene autonomously for its own comic value.[5] Macklin +condensed and tightened Regnard's five-act plot into a two-act +afterpiece; the role of the apothecary is greatly reduced into the +stock London-stage Frenchman, du Maigre, who can barely speak English; +the servant Lucy is more the English maid than the French _bonne_ of +the Regnard play who gave orders to her master; and the satire of +Macklin's afterpiece is directed not only at lawyers and physicians, +as in the Regnard play, but at Methodist itinerant preachers. Finally +Macklin's plot was both complicated and tightened by having the +lawyers summoned to draw up the marriage contract, also take down the +will of the supposed Skinflint, thus making the marriage a condition +of the will. + +The rather long Prologue to A WILL AND NO WILL (11 pages of +manuscript) makes fun of the convention of the eighteenth century +prologues by the familiar dodge of having two actors chatting as +though they were in the Pit waiting for the actors in the main play to +dress for the afterpiece. The conversation of the Prologue is +enlivened by the appearance of an Irish lawyer come to see the play +about lawyers. His impossibly long name, +Laughlinbulhuderry-Mackshoughlinbulldowny, contains hints of Macklin's +own name, and this is also one of Macklin's wonderful Irishmen who +never acted except in school where he spoke the Prologue, he says, of +one of Terence's tragedies when the play was over. His +mispronunciations and inaccuracies put him at the head of the list of +stage Irishmen whom Macklin, an Irishman himself, could portray with +delight and authority. + +Another feature of the long Prologue to this farce is Macklin's +reference to the failure of his own tragedy _Henry VII_ (1745), for +Snarlewit proclaims that he never had so much fun in his life as at +Macklin's "merry Tragedy." The ability to laugh at his own failure to +construct a tragedy hastily in time to capitalize on the invasion +attempt of 1745, together with his reference to his own name in his +caricature of the Irish lawyer undoubtedly help explain the success of +this farcical afterpiece. + +Occasional marks of the Licenser on the manuscript, most notably +opposite Shark's lines about statesmen at the end of Act I, are all +underscored in the typescript of the play. + +The second afterpiece here reproduced, THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZ'D, OR THE +PLAGUE OF ENVY (Larpent 64), is an amusing bit of dramatic criticism +of Benjamin Hoadly's _The Suspicious Husband_ which had opened at the +Covent Garden Theatre on February 12, 1747, and was given many times +including performances on March 21, 24 and April 28, 30 of the same +year.[6] Again the title page of the Macklin afterpiece bears the +handwritten request of James Lacy, dated March 17, 1747, for the Lord +Chamberlain's permission to perform the play for Macklin's benefit at +Drury Lane on March 24. Both performances, then, of Macklin's closely +related afterpiece, THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZ'D, were given at Drury Lane +on nights when Hoadly's _The Suspicious Husband_ was also being +performed at the rival theatre, March 24 and April 30, 1747. It was +even possible for a spectator to see Hoadly's play at Covent Garden +and then catch Macklin's related farcical afterpiece at the Drury Lane +Theatre on the same night. Or if that required too difficult a change +of _locus_, it was still possible to see _The Suspicious Husband_ on +March 21 or April 28 and THE SUSPICIOUS HUSBAND CRITICIZ'D (as +Macklin's play is entitled in James T. Kirkman's _Memoirs of the Life +of Charles Macklin, Esq._, II, 443) a few days later on March 24 or +April 30; such was the immediacy of the appeal of Macklin's +afterpiece. + +While Macklin was capitalizing on the popularity of a new play, he +also, in THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZ'D, gave ironic portraits of rival +playwrights who damned a play out of envy (note the subtitle, THE +PLAGUE OF ENVY) for such trivial faults as the use of _suspicious_ +instead of _jealous_ in the title, or for the lacing of Ranger's hat. +Macklin's satiric portraits of such envious scribblers who were ready +to attack any new author in Journals, Epigrams, and Pamphlets are +lively records of mid-eighteenth century subjective criticism. Canker, +the envious playwright in the afterpiece, calls Ranger "a Harlequin" +and Mr. Strickland, "Columbine's husband." Canker objects to the +escapes, scenes in the dark, and the rope ladder, though the young +lovers, Heartly and Harriet in Macklin's afterpiece, vow the ladder is +a device they themselves will use if Harriet is forced by her aunt to +marry Canker. Again an Irishman, Sir Patrick Bashfull, enlivens the +farce by his pretense of being a Frenchman, Fitzbashfull, "of Irish +distraction." Bashfull's literal criticism of Hoadly's play serves as +a good foil for the carping criticism of the envious playwrights: +Plagiary, Grubwit, and Canker; or the nonsense of the foolish critics: +Nibble and Trifle. The farce ends with Canker completely routed and +Heartly's suggestion that their hour's conversation would make a +_petit piece_ in itself if Lady Critick would only write it down. + +The limited appeal of this kind of related, topical afterpiece +probably explains why it was performed only twice, following a +performance of _Hamlet_ on March 24, 1747, for Macklin's benefit, and +following _Julius Caesar_ on April 30, 1747, for the benefit of +Garrick who had appeared as Ranger in the original cast of Hoadly's +play. The separate Prologue to Macklin's afterpiece is addressed to +Mr. Macklin in Bow Street, Covent Garden, and attributed to Hely +Hutcheson, Provost of Trinity College by William Cooke's _Memoirs of +Charles Macklin, Comedian_ (1804), p. 152. + +These two afterpieces, A WILL AND NO WILL (1746) and THE NEW PLAY +CRITICIZ'D (1747) along with _Covent Garden Theatre_ (1752), ARS 116, +bring up to date the publication of Charles Macklin's unpublished +work. It is to be hoped that a definitive critical edition of his +writing for the eighteenth-century stage will soon follow. + +A word should be added about the editor's changes of these two plays +in the typescript. From the facsimile edition of Macklin's _Covent +Garden Theatre_ (ARS 116) it should already be evident that Macklin's +scribes in these three plays in the Larpent Collection were +inconsistent both in spelling and punctuation. The _Covent Garden +Theatre_ appeared in facsimile in response to requests for an +eighteenth-century facsimile for use in graduate seminars, because of +the clarity of its handwriting. The other two plays are here +reproduced in typescript since the condition of the manuscripts made +facsimile reproduction unfeasible. In the preparation of the +typescript for these remaining two plays, certain problems had of +necessity to be decided arbitrarily. Wherever it was possible, the +manuscript spelling has been preserved. Punctuation and capitals had +to be altered where sentences were run together or new sentences began +with small letters. The number of capital letters was reduced since +these followed no consistent pattern for emphasis and varied between +the scribes of the manuscripts. Nouns were left capitalized to +preserve the eighteenth-century flavor. Proper names have been +corrected to a recognizable form (Ranelagh for Renelagh, Zoilus for +Ziolus, for example); French phrases have been left in the manuscript +spelling for those characters who misuse French, such as Sir Patrick +Bashfull in THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZ'D. The occasional confusions of +characters or speakers have been corrected, with separate notes +explaining each change. All marks of the Licenser are in italics; all +words or letters interpolated by the editor are in brackets; all stage +directions are in parentheses. Applications by the Theatre Manager, +James Lacy, for permission to perform the plays, appear in notes. + +Coe College + + + + +NOTES TO THE INTRODUCTION + + +[1] As indicated in the Introduction to _The Covent Garden Theatre, or +Pasquin Turn'd Drawcansir_, Number 116, Augustan Reprint Society, the +author is indebted to the Henry E. Huntington Library, San Marino, +California, both for a Research Fellowship in the summer of 1963 and +for permission to reproduce the three Macklin plays in the Larpent +Collection (Larpent 58, 64 and 96) which had not previously been +printed. + +[2] Arthur H. Scouten, _The London Stage_ (Carbondale, Ill., 1961), +Part 3, II, 1235. + +[3] James T. Kirkman, _Memoirs of the Life of Charles Macklin, Esq._ +(London, 1799), II, 443, lists this subtitle in an appendix of +Macklin's unprinted plays. + +[4] George Winchester Stone, _The London Stage_ (Carbondale, Ill., +1962), Part 4, 1, 38, 40, 41, 43, 47, 48. + +[5] Cf. Alexandre Calame, _Regnard sa vie et son oeuvre_ (Paris, +1960), pp. 323-333. + +[6] See _The London Stage_, Part 3, II, 1287-90, 1297, 1298, 1308, +1309 for the dates when Hoadly's _The Suspicious Husband_ and +Macklin's THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZ'D were performed close together. + + + + +A WILL AND NO WILL: + +OR + +A BONE FOR THE LAWYERS[1] + +PROLOGUE + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE for the Prologue + + + RATTLE + SMART + DULLMAN + IRISHMAN + SNARLEWIT + + +(_The Curtain rises and discovers the Stage disposed in the Form of a +Pit and crowded with Actors who make a great Noise by Whistling and +Knocking for the Farce to begin_) + +_Rattle._ Consume them, why don't they begin? + +_Smart._ I suppose some of them that were in the Play are dressing for +the Farce. + +_Rattle._ Psha! damn the Farce! They have had time enough to dress +since the Play has been over. + +_Smart._ Dick Rattle, were you at the Boxing Match yesterday? + +_Rattle._ No, my Dear, I was at the breakfasting at Ranelagh.--Curse +catch me, Jack[2], if that is not a fine Woman in the upper Box there, +ha! + +_Smart._ So she is, by all that's charming,--but the poor Creature's +married; it's all over with her. + +_Rattle._ Smart, do you go to Newmarket this meeting,--upon my Soul +that's a lovely Woman on the right hand. But what the Devil can this +Prologue be about, I can't imagine. It has puzzled the whole Town. + +_Smart._ Depend upon it, Dick, it is as I said. + +_Rattle._ What's that? + +_Smart._ Why one of the Fransique's, the French Harlequin's Jokes; you +will find that one of the Players come upon the Stage presently, and +make a[n] Apologie that they are disappointed of the Prologue, upon +which Macklin, or some other Actor is to start up in the Pit, as one +of the Audience, and bawl out that rather than so much good Company +should be disappointed, he will speak a Prologue himself. + +_Rattle._ No, no, no, Smart. That's not it. I thought of that and have +been looking carefully all over the Pit, and there is not an Actor in +it. Now I fancy it is to be done like the Wall or the Man in the Moon +in Pyramus and Thisbe; Macklin will come in dressed like the Pit and +say: + + _Ladies and Gentlemen, I am the Pit + And a Prologue I'll speak if you think fit._ + +_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! + +_Smart._ By Gad, Rattle, I fancy you have hit it. What do you think, +Mr. Dullman? + +_Omnes._ Ay, let us have Mr. Dullman's Opinion of it. + +_Dull._ Why really, Gentlemen, I have been thinking of it ever since I +first read it in the Papers--and I fancy--though to be sure, it was +very difficult to find out--but at last, I think I have hit upon it. + +_Smart._ Well, well, my dear Dullman, communicate. + +_Dull._ I suppose there is some Person here among us whose name is +Pit, and that he will get up presently and speak a Prologue. + +_Omnes._ O, O, O, O, O, Shocking! Shocking! Well conjectured, Dullman. + +_Rattle._ Harkee, Jack, [let's] bam the Irishman. Ask him if he knows +anything of it. + +_Smart._ Don't you laugh then; he'll smoak us if you do; keep your +Countenance, and I'll engage I'll pitch-kettle him. Pray Sir, do you +know anything of this Prologue? + +_Irish._ Who, me? Not upon my Honour. I know no more of it than he +that made it. + +_Smart._ A Gentleman was saying just before the Play was over that you +were to be the Pit and to speak the Prologue; is there any truth in +it, Sir? + +_Irish._ No indeed, Sir, _it is as false as the Gospel_. I do assure +you, Sir, I never spoke a Pit or Prologue in my Life--but once when I +was at School, you must know, Sir,--we acted one of Terence's +Tragedies there, so when the Play was over I spoke the Prologue to it. + +_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! ha! + +_Smart._ I remember your Face very well. Pray Sir, don't you belong to +the Law? + +_Irish._ Yes, at your Service, Sir--and so did my Father and +Grandfather before me, and all my Posterity. I myself solicit Cause at +the old Bailey and Hick's Hall, so I am come to see this BONE FOR THE +LAWYERS, because they say it is a Pun upon us Gentlemen of the long +Robe. + +_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! + +_Rattle._ He is a poor ridiculous Fellow, Jack (_aside_); he is as +great a Teague as Barrington himself. + +_Smart._ Hush! Hush! Pray Sir, may I crave your name? + +_Irish._ Yes you may indeed and welcome, Sir. My name is +Laughlinbullruderrymackshoughlinbulldowny, at your Service. And if you +have any Friend who is indicted for Robbery or Murder at any time or +has any other Law Suits upon his Hands at the old Bailey or Hick's +Hall, I should be proud to serve you and to be concerned in the Cause +likewise. + +_Smart._ Whenever I have a Friend in such Circumstances, you may +depend upon being retained. + +_Irish._ Sir, I'll assure you no megrim. England understands the +Practice of those Courts better than myself. I know my Croaker upon +all the _In res_ and for an Evidence, the Devil a Man in Westminster +Hall can tell an Evidence what to say better than I that shits here; +or hark you, if you should happen to want a Witness upon Occasion, I +believe, Sir, I could serve you. + +_Smart._ I am infinitely obliged to you. (_Bowing_) + +_Irish._ Sir, I am your most obsequious. (_Bowing_) + +_Rattle._ But pray Sir, what kind of Prologue do you think we shall +have tonight? + +_Irish._ Why I believe it will be a kind of Prologue that will be +spoken by the Pit. + +_Rattle._ Ay, that we suppose but in what Manner? + +_Irish._ Why I am come here on purpose to know that, but I suppose it +will be in the manner of--a--a--by my Shoul I don't know how it will +be. + +_Smart._ Upon my word, Sir, I think you give a very clear Account of +it. + +_Rattle._ Jack, yonder's Snarlewit, the Poet and intimate Friend of +Macklin's; you are acquainted with him. Prithee call him; ten to one +but he can give us the History both of the Prologue and the Farce. + +_Smart._ Hiss, Mr. Snarlewit, we have Room for you here, if you will +come and set by us; do you know Snarlewit, Dick? + +_Rattle._ He is a devilish odd Fellow; he is one that never speaks +well of any Man behind his back nor ill of him to his Face and is a +most terrible Critick. + +(SNARLEWIT _steps over the Benches and sits down between_ RATTLE _and_ +SMART) + +_Snarle._ Mr. Smart, your Servant. How do you do, Mr. Rattle? What, +you are come to hear the Pit speak the Prologue, I suppose. Ha! +Macklin's fine Conceit. + +_Smart._ Ay, we are so; do you know anything of it? + +_Snarle._ Psha! psha! a parcel of Stuff! a ridiculous Conceit of the +Blockhead's in imitation of a French writer who stole it from one of +the Greek Comic Poets. + +_Smart._ But in what manner is it to be done? Is it in Prose or in +Verse, or upon the Stage, or really in the Pit? + +_Snarle._ Lord, Sir, the Blockhead brings the Pit upon the Stage; and +the supposed Conversation there between the Play and the Farce is to +be the Prologue,--a French Conceit calculated merely to raise +Curiosity and fill the House, that's all. + +_Smart._ Ay, and enough too, if it answers his purpose. + +_Irish._ But pray, Sir, with humble Submission, if he brings the Pit +up on the Stage, how shall we be able to see the Farce unless we go up +into the Gallery? + +_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! + +_Rattle._ Very well observed, Sir. + +_Snarle._ Why this Fellow's an Idiot. + +_Smart._ No, no, he is only a Teague. But Mr. Snarlewit, do you think +this Prologue will be liked? + +_Snarle._ Psha! psha! liked, impossible! So it is for his Wife's +Benefit and meant as a Puff to fill her House, why perhaps the Town +may be so indulgent as to let it pass--but it is damned Trash! I +advised the Fool against it. But he persisted. He said he was sure it +would be better liked than the modern dull way of Prologue Writing +which for many years has been only to give the Audience an Historical +Account of the Comic Stoick or the Tragic Buskin, or a dull detail of +the piece they were to see with the Age and Circumstances of the +Author, and how long he was writing his Play. Now, says Macklin, my +Prologue, Sir, if it has nothing else, it has Novelty on its side; and +as Bays says it will elevate and surprize and all that. And if they +don't laugh at it as a good Prologue, I am sure, says he, they will +laugh at me for its being a bad one--so that either way they will have +their Joke. + +_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! + +_Smart._ Ay, ay, there I think he was right; for the Audience will +laugh, I make no doubt of it, but it will be at him. + +_Omnes._ Right! Right! + +_Snarle._ So I told him but he would persist. + +_Smart._ But Mr. Snarlewit, how will he answer to the Critics his +making the Stage represent the Pit? + +_Snarle._ Psha! psha! he is below Criticism; they will never trouble +themselves about that. Besides I think he may be defended very justly +in that, for if the Stage has a Right to represent Palaces and +Countries, nay, and Heaven and Hell, surely it may be allowed to +exhibit the Pit. + +_Smart._ Do you know anything of the Farce? + +_Snarle._ Yes, I have read it. + +_Smart._ It is a very odd Title, a Bone for the Lawyers; who is the +Author, pray? Is it known? + +_Snarle._ Why Macklin gives out that some Gentleman, a Friend of his, +has made him a Present of it, but I shrewdly suspect it to be his own. + +_Rattle._ Whose! Macklin's? + +_Snarle._ Ay! + +_Rattle._ Why, can he write? + +_Snarle._ Write? Ay, and damnably too, I assure you, ha! ha! He writ a +Tragedy this Winter, but so merry a Tragedy was never seen since the +first night of Tom Thumb the Great. + +_Smart._ I was at it and a merry Tragedy it was and a merry Audience! + +_Snarle._ I never laughed so heartily at a Play in my Life; if his +Farce has half so much Fun in it as his Tragedy had, I'll engage it +succeeds. + +_Smart._ Come, come. There was some tolerable Things in his Tragedy. + +_Snarle._ Psha! psha! Stuff! Stuff! damned Stuff! Pray Sir, what do +you think of Lady Catherine Gordon's Letter to her Father, Lord +Huntley, that begun honoured Papa, hoping you are in good Health as I +am at this present Writing. There was a Stile for Tragedy! + +_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! + +_Smart._ Well, I wish his Farce may succeed, however. + +_Snarle._ O so do I upon my word, Sir.--I have a great Regard for +Macklin--but to be sure he is a very egregious Blockhead ever to think +of writing; that I believe everybody will allow. + +_Omnes._ Ay, ay, there's nobody will dispute that with you, Mr. +Snarlewit. + +_Snarle._ Notwithstanding he is such a Blockhead, I assure you, Mr. +Smart, I have an Esteem for him. + +_Smart._ Do you know what Characters or Business he has in his Farce? + +_Snarle._ I think his chief Character is an old Fellow, one Sir Isaac +Skinflint, who is eaten up with Diseases, and who promises everybody +Legacies, but dreads making a Will, for the Instant he does that he +thinks he shall die. + +_Rattle._ That's a very common Character; my Uncle was just such a +superstitious Wretch. + +_Snarle._ And the Business of the Farce is to induce this old Fellow +to disinherit all his Relations, except a Nephew who wants to be his +sole Heir, which according to the Rules of Farce, you may suppose it +to be brought about by a Footman who upon these Occasions always has +more Wit than his Master. + +_Smart._ But when is the Prologue to begin? + +_Snarle._ Why as soon as the Curtain is drawn up you will see the +Stage disposed in the Form of a Pit, and that you are to imagine the +Prologue, and when they let the Curtain down, why then you must +suppose it to be ended. + +_Smart._ I wonder what the Audience will say when it is over. + +_Snarle._ What? Why some will stare and wonder what the Actors have +been about, and will still be expecting the Prologue; others will +chuckle at their Disappointment, and cry--they knew how it would be; +and some will judiciously observe--what better could be expected from +a Prologue to be written and spoken by the Pit. But upon the whole, I +dare say, ninety nine in a hundred will conclude it to be a parcell of +low Stuff--and that its only Merit was the quaintness of the Conceit +[which] raised the People's Curiosity and helped to fill the House; +and so ends the Prologue--and now let us make a Noise for the Farce. + +(_The Curtain is let down_) + + + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + +for + +A WILL AND NO WILL: + +OR A BONE FOR THE LAWYERS + + SIR ISAAC SKINFLINT + LADY LOVEWEALTH + BELLAIR + HARRIET + DOCTOR LEATHERHEAD + LUCY + COUNCELLOUR CORMORANT + MR. LITTLEWIT + MONSIEUR DU MAIGRE + MR. DEATH + SHARK + SERVANT + + + + +ACT I + + (_Enter_ SHARK _and_ LUCY--_meeting_) + + +_Shark._ Good morrow, Lucy. + +_Lucy._ Good morrow, Shark. + +_Shark._ Give me a Kiss, Hussy. (_Kisses her_) + +_Lucy._ Psha--prithee don't touzle and mouzle a Body so; can't you +salute without rumpling one's Tucker and spoiling one's Things? I hate +to be tumbled. (_Adjusting herself_) + +_Shark._ Ay, as much as you do Flattery or a looking Glass. + +_Lucy._ Well, what's your Business this Morning? Have you any Message? + +_Shark._ Yes, the old one: my Master's Duty to his gracious Uncle, Sir +Isaac Skinflint, and he hopes he rested well last night--that is, to +translate it out of the Language of Compliment into that of Sincerity, +he hopes the old Huncks has made his Will, my Master his sole Heir, +that he has had a very bad Night, and is within a few Hours of giving +up the Ghost and paying a Visit to his old friend Belzebub. + +_Lucy._ We were afraid he would have gone off last night; he has had +two of his Epileptic Feasts. + +_Shark._ Why sure the old Cannibal would not offer to make his Exit +without making his Will; that would ruin us all. + +_Lucy._ Nay it would be a considerable Loss to me should he die +without a Will: for you know he has promised me a handsome Legacy. + +_Shark._ And so he has to Thousands, my Dear; why, Child, I don't +believe he has spent thirty Shillings upon himself in Food for these +thirty years; all gratis, all upon the Spunge. Ay, ay, let Sir Isaac +Skinflint alone for mumping a Dinner. There has not been a +Churchwarden's or an Overseer's Feast these twenty years but what he +has been at. And when he is not at these Irish meals, he is preying +upon his Friends and Acquaintances, and promises them all Legacies. +"Well," he says, after he has filled his Paunch,--"I shall not forget +you. I shall remember all my Friends. I have you down in my Will." +Then he claps his hand upon the Servant's Head as he is going out--"I +shall think of you too, John. You are my old Friend"--but the Devil a +Louse he gives him; an old gouty Rogue! I'll warrant the old Hypocrite +has promised more Legacies than the Bank of England is able to pay. +Has he made any mention lately of his Nephew and Niece in the Country, +Sir Roger Bumper and his Sister? + +_Lucy._ He expects them in Town today, or tomorrow at farthest, and I +believe he intends to make them joint Heirs with your Master. + +_Shark._ He may intend it, but shall not accomplish it, take my word; +if he does I'll never plot again. You say he has never seen neither +the Nephew nor the Niece since they were Children? + +_Lucy._ Never. + +_Shark._ Then he shall see them in my proper Person before he sleeps, +and if I don't make him disinherit them, say I am a Fool and know +nothing of Mankind. + +_Lucy._ Here your Master comes. + +_Shark._ He's welcome. + + (_Enter_ BELLAIR) + +_Bell._ O Lucy, we are all undone. + +_Lucy._ Bless us; what's the matter, Sir? + +_Bell._ I am just come from my Lady Lovewealth's, who, to my great +Surprize, has assured me that my Addresses to her Daughter for the +future will be highly improper, for that my Uncle had not only refused +to make such a Settlement on me as she liked, but had resolved to +marry Harriet himself. + +_Lucy._ Pray Sir, what says the young Lady to all this? + +_Bell._ She seems to comply with her Mother's avaricious Temper, but +has vowed to me privately that should matters be brought to an +Extremity, she will never consent. + +_Lucy._ You, Sir, must act the same part; seem to approve of the +Marriage by all means, for the more you oppose, the more violent they +will be. Trust the affair to Shark and me, and I'll engage we bring +you together in spite of Age and Avarice. I'll give the young Lady a +hint or two, which I believe will cure the old Fellow of his Lovefit! +Shark, go you and prepare your Disguises; do you act the Nephew and +the Niece well and I'll warrant everything else shall thrive. + (_Exit Shark_) + +_Bell._ Dear Girl, the moment my Affairs are brought to bear, you may +depend upon the five hundred pounds I promised you.--Is my Uncle up +yet? + +_Lucy._ He has been up this Hour--here he comes; be sure you comply +with him, let him say what he will. + + (_Enter_ SKINFLINT _dressed in a Nightgown, a fur Nightcap, + his hands muffled in Flannel, his feet in gouty Shoes_) + +_Bell._ A good morning to you, Sir. + +_Skin._ A good morning to you, Nephew. Auh! auh! + +_Bell._ I am sorry to hear, Sir, you have had so bad a Night. + +_Skin._ I had indeed, Nephew; I was afraid it was all over. Such +another Fit would carry me off. Auh! auh! + +_Bell._ But you are pretty well this morning, I hope, Sir. + +_Skin._ Something better but very weak--very faint indeed, Nephew! +O--o--o, very faint. + +_Bell._ You should take something comfortable, Sir--Cordials to repair +the breaches you Illness hath made. + +_Skin._ Lord, Nephew, it would require such a monstrous deal of Money, +and really these Syringe Carriers and Glyster Baggs and Doctors give +themselves such Airs, that a Man can't have their Assistance, nor any +of their Druggs and Slops under their Weight in Gold; therefore, I +think, Nephew, since we are to dye we had better save our Money. + +_Bell._ I grant you, Sir, the Fees of Surgeons and Physicians are +exorbitant,--yet as Health and Life are our most valuable Blessings, +we might lay a little out in Support of them--I mean in Cases of very +great Danger. + +_Skin._ No, no, the--auh, auh!--the Tenement is not worth the +Repairs--auh--auh--I am like an old House that is ready to drop--the +first high Wind, down I shall go--the next fit will carry me off. + +_Bell._ Heaven forbid, Sir. + +_Skin._ Therefore, I am resolved--auh! to settle my Affairs this very +day. You know, Nephew, you were talking of Harriet, my Lady +Lovewealth's Daughter; but my Lady truly will not consent to the +Match, unless I make you my sole Heir, which you know, Child, cannot +be, as I have another Nephew and a Niece, Sir Roger Bumper and his +Sister, whom I intend to provide for. + +_Bell._ Very true, Sir. + +_Skin._ And so--Harry--as my Lady and I could not hit it off in regard +to you--she hath persuaded me to marry the Girl myself; what is your +Judgment of it, Nephew? ha! + +_Bell._ If you like it, Sir, there can be no Objection to it. + + (_Enter a_ SERVANT) + +_Serv._ Sir, there is Mr. Littlewit, the Proctor, come to know your +Commands. + +_Skin._ Desire him to walk in. (_Exit Servant_) + + (_Enter Mr._ LITTLEWIT) + +So Mr. Littlewit, I have sent for you upon a Business which will +perhaps surprize you; it is to draw up my marriage Articles. + +_Little._ What between you and Death, I suppose. Ha! Your Will, I +reckon you mean. + +_Skin._ Dear Mr. Littlewit, your Jest is very ill timed; I mean, Sir, +my marriage Articles with Harriet Lovewealth, and at the same time I +intend to make my Will too; here are the Directions in this Paper for +both; and let them be drawn up as soon as possible and looked over by +my old Friend, Doctor Leatherhead; and pray bring him with you this +Afternoon. + +_Little._ Sir, your Directions shall be observed with Punctuality and +Expedition. (_Exit_) + +_Skin._ So you approve of my Marriage, you say, Nephew? + +_Bell._ I think it the best thing you can do, Sir. + +_Skin._ Why, Nephew, notwithstanding--I am so shattered with Age--and +Infirmities--I assure you I have more Vigour than People imagine; what +think you, Lucy? + +_Lucy._ Your Eyes, Sir, look very sparkling and lively--but I think +a--um--your other parts are not quite so brisk. + +_Skin._ Why ay, 'tis true, my other parts are a little--a little +morbific or so, as the Doctors say; but Harriet is very young, and +she will be a charming Bedfellow. Besides, Nephew, I have a great +Satisfaction in Disappointing my Crew of Relations, who have been like +as many Undertakers for these twenty years past, enquiring not after +my Health but my Death; but I'll be revenged on them. I will have the +Pleasure of sending for 'em all, one by one, and assuring them I will +not leave a single Shilling among them. + + (_Enter a_ SERVANT) + +_Serv._ Sir, My Lady Lovewealth and her Daughter are come to wait on +you. + +_Skin._ Odso. I did not expect them so soon--Stay, stay, Boy; don't +shew them up yet; my Mistress must not find me in this Pickle. Go you +down, Lucy, and shew them into the Parlour, but return directly and +help to dress me. (_Exeunt Lucy and Servant_) Come, Nephew, help me +off with this Gown and Cap; let me make myself as agreeable as I can +for my Mistress. Gently, gently, Child, have a care, have a care of my +Hand (_pulling off the Gown_)! Oh! Oh! Oh! you have touched my gouty +Finger. (_Enter Lucy_) Come hither, Lucy, do you dress me; you are +most used to it. Are my Flannels warm? + +_Lucy._ Here, here, all roasted--they have been at the Fire these +three Hours. (_Lucy and Bellair dress him up like a ridiculous old +man; they put a heap of Flannels on him, then his Clothes, and a +ridiculous Tye Wig_) + +_Skin._ Well, how do I look now? Pretty well, ha? + +_Bell._ Very well, Sir, and very genteel. + +_Skin._ Now shew the Ladies up, Lucy. I protest this dressing hath +fatigued me, auh! auh! auh! (_coughing_) + +_Lucy._ (_To Bellair as she goes out_) I have hinted something to +Harriet which I believe will break off the Match infallibly. + (_Exit_) + +_Skin._ Nephew, notwithstanding, auh!--This Marriage, I shall make a +handsome Provision for you. + +_Bell._ Sir, your Health and Happiness are my chiefest Blessings. + + (_Enter Lady_ LOVEWEALTH, HARRIET _and_ LUCY) + +_Lad._ Sir Isaac Skinflint, I am glad to see you up and dressed this +morning. We had a report in our Neighbourhood that you died last +Night. + +_Skin._ Ay, Madam, Envious Wretches who expect Legacies--and who wish +me in my Grave--spread it abroad--'tis true I was a little out of +order last Night, but I'm mighty well today. Auh! Auh! Extremely well. +Auh! Auh! Lucy, give me a little of that Hartshorn. + +_Bell._ Upon my word, Sir, I never saw you look better. Pray young +Lady, what do you think? + +_Har._ Indeed, Sir, I think the Gentleman looks extremely gay and +healthy. + +_Skin._ I should be very ill indeed, Madam, if such powerful Eyes as +yours could not give me new Life. (_Bowing very low_) + +_Har._ O Sir, your Servant. (_Curtsying very low_) + +_Lad._ Very gallant indeed, Sir. + +_Skin._ Yes, Madam, you will be a Medea's Kettle to me from [whence] I +shall receive new Vigour. Your Charms will be a vivifying Nostrum to +the morbific parts, which Infirmity and Age have laid hold of. You +will be an Inlap to my Heart--and my Marriage will be an infallible +Specific which I shall take as my last Remedy.--Give me a little of +that Cordial. + +_Har._ Sir, whatever commands my Lady thinks proper to lay on me, I +shall think it my Duty to give them an implicit Obedience. (_She +curtsies all the while. Skin. bows_) + +_Lad._ You see, Sir Isaac, my Daughter is entirely directed by my +Will; so if you are ready to fulfill the Agreement, that is to settle +a thousand pounds a year on her during your own Life, and your whole +Fortune in Reversion upon your Decease, she is ready to marry you. + +_Skin._ Madam, I am as ready as she, and have given orders to my +Lawyer to draw up the Articles for that purpose with the utmost +Expedition, and I expect them to be brought every moment ready to +sign. + +_Lad._ Then, Harriet, I will leave you here, Child, while I call +upon my Lawyer in Lincoln's Inn, who is to peruse the Writings.--Mrs. +Lucy, pray will you let one of your Men order my Coach up to the Door. + (_Exit Lucy_) + +Sir Isaac Skinflint, your Servant. Mr. Bellair, yours. (_Exit_) + +_Skin._ [To Harriet] Come Madam, let not these naughty Flannels +disgust you; I can pull 'em off upon--um--ahu--certain Occasions. I +shall look better in a few days. + +_Har._ Better! That's impossible, Sir, you can't look better. + +_Skin._ O Lord, Madam! (_Bowing_) + +_Har._ (_Takes him by the hand_) There, there's a Figure; do but view +him. Sir, I never saw a finer Figure for a Shroud and Coffin in my +Life. + +_Skin._ Madam! (_starting_) + +_Har._ I say, Sir, you are a most enchanting Figure for a Shroud and +Coffin. + +_Skin._ Shroud and Coffin! (_He walks off! She after him_) + +_Har._ Well I can't help admiring your Intrepidity, Sir Isaac; o' my +Conscience, you have more Courage than half the young Fellows in Town. +Why what a Don Quixot are you to venture that shattered, shabby, crazy +Carcass of yours into a Marriage Bed with a hale Constitution of +Nineteen! + +_Skin._ Why really, Madam---- + +_Har._ Why really, Sir, you'll repent it. + +_Skin._ I believe it, I believe it, Madam. + +_Har._ What you, who are a gouty, cholicky, feverish, paralytick, +hydropic, asthmatic, and a thousand Diseases besides, venture to light +Hymen's Torch! Why, Sir, it is perfect Madness; it is making but one +Step from your Wedding to your Grave. Pray Sir, how long do you expect +to live? + +_Skin._ Not long I am sure if I marry you. + +_Har._ You are in the right on't, Sir; it will not be consistent with +my Pleasure or my Interest that you should live above a Fortnight; +um--ay, in about a Fortnight I can do it. Let me see; ay, it is but +pulling away a Pillow in one of your coughing Fits--or speaking +properly to your Apothecary--a very little Ratsbane or Laudanum will +do the Business! + +_Skin._ O monstrous! + +_Bell._ Madam, this is a behaviour unbecoming the Daughter of Lady +Lovewealth, and what I am confident her Ladyship will highly resent. + +_Har._ You are mistaken, Sir; my Lady has consented to his Death in a +Fortnight after our Marriage. + +_Skin._ O lud! O lud! + +_Har._ She begged hard for a Month, but I could not agree to it; so +now the only Dispute between us is whether he shall be poisoned or +strangled. + +_Skin._ O horrid! O terrible! So then it was agreed between you that I +should be sent out of the World one way or t'other. + +_Har._ Yes Sir. What other Treatment could you expect, you who are a +mere walking Hospital! an Infirmary! O shocking! Ha! ha! There's a +Figure to go to bed with. (_Pointing at him and bursting into a +Laugh_) + +_Skin._ I shall choke with Rage. Auh! Auh! + +_Bell._ Madam, I cannot stand by and see this Treatment.--If you use +him thus before Marriage, what ought he to expect after it? + +_Har._ What? Why I have told him, Death! Death! Death! + +_Skin._ Ay, you have indeed, Madam, and I thank you for it, but it +shall never be in your Power, either to strangle or poison me. Auh! +Auh! I would as soon marry a she Dragon; Nephew, I beg you will turn +her out--see her out of the House, pray. + +_Bell._ Madam, let me beg you will shorten your Visit. + +_Har._ O Sir, with all my Heart; I see you are a Confederate with your +Uncle in this Affair, but I shall insist upon his Promise of Marriage; +I can prove it, and assure yourself, Sir, if there be Law in +Westminster Hall or Doctors Commons, you shall hear from me, and so +your Servant, Sir. (_Goes off in a Passion_) + +_Skin._ Dear Nephew, see her out of the House; she has almost +worried me to Death. (_Sits down_) (_Exit Bellair_) + + (_Enter_ LUCY) + +_Skin._ O Lucy, give me a little Inlap or Hartshorn or something to +raise my Spirits. Had ever Man so happy an Escape? + +_Lucy._ Ay, Sir, you'd say it was a happy Escape indeed, if you knew +all; why Sir, it is whispered everywhere that she had an Intrigue last +Summer at Scarborough with a Captain of Horse. + +_Skin._ I don't in the least doubt it; she who could give Ratsbane or +Laudanum to her Husband, I believe would not hesitate at a little +Fornication. + +(SHARK _without, dressed like a Fox Hunter, drunk, knocking very loud +and hollowing_) + +_Shar._ Haux, haux, haux, my Honies, Heyhe! House, where the Devil are +you all? + +_Skin._ Bless us, who is it knocks so? ([_knocking_] _within_) + +_Lucy._ The Lord knows, Sir, some Madman I believe--It is Shark, I +suppose. (_Aside_) + + (_Enter_ SHARK) + +_Shar._ Hey House! Family! Where are you all? + +_Lucy._ What do you want, Sir? + +_Shar._ What's that to you, Hussy? Where's Skinflint? + +_Lucy._ Skinflint! + +_Shar._ Ay, Skinflint. + +_Lucy._ There is my Master, Sir Isaac Skinflint, in that great Chair. + +_Shar._ (_Going up to him looking in his Face and laughing_) A damned +odd Sort of a Figure: a cursed queer old Fellow to look at. Is your +name Skinflint? + +_Skin._ It is, Sir. + +_Shar._ Then give me you Hand, old Boy. (_Shakes him by the Flannels_) + +_Skin._ Hold, hold, Sir, you'll kill me if you han't a Care. + +_Shar._ So much the better; the sooner you die the better for me. + +_Skin._ For you? Pray, Sir, who are you? + +_Shar._ Your Nephew who has rid a hundred Miles on purpose to take +Possession of your Estate. + +_Skin._ Are you my Nephew? + +_Shar._ Yes, Sir. + +_Skin._ I am sorry for it. + +_Shar._ My Name is Bumper; my Father, Sir Barnaby Bumper, took to Wife +a Lady who as I have been told was your Sister; which said Sister, +Sir, brought me into the World in less than four Months after her +Marriage. + +_Skin._ In four Months? + +_Shar._ Yes, Sir, My Father was a little displeased with it at first; +but upon his being informed that such forward Births were frequent in +your Family, he was soon reconciled to it. + +_Skin._ They belied our Family, Sir--for our Family---- + +_Shar._ Hush! hush! Don't expose them. They were always a damned +whoring Family; I must confess I have frequently blushed at the +quickness of my Mother's conception, for it has often been thrown in +my Teeth; but since it has made me your Heir, that will set me above +the Disgrace. + +_Skin._ My Heir! + +_Shar._ Ay, your Heir, Sir. I am come to Town on purpose to take +Possession. We had an Account in the Country that you were dead. + +_Skin._ And I suppose you are not a little mortified to find the +Report is false, ha? + +_Shar._ Why, I am sorry to find you alive, I must confess. I was in +hopes to have found you stretched out and ready for the black +Gentleman to say Grace over you. + +_Skin._ Sir, your Servant. + +_Shar._ May the strawberry Mare knock up the next hard Chace if I have +not ridden as hard to be at your Earthing as ever I did to be in at +the Death of a Fox. + +_Skin._ It was most affectionately done of you, Nephew, and I shall +remember you for it.--A Villain! I'll not leave him a Groat. (_Aside_) + +_Shar._ However since you are alive, Uncle, I am glad to see you look +so ill. + +_Skin._ I am very much obliged to you, Nephew. (_Aside to Lucy_) Was +there ever such a Reprobate, Lucy? + +_Shar._ They tell me you have a damned deal of money that you have got +by Extortion and Usury and Cheating of Widows and Orphans to whom you +have been Guardian and Executor, ha--but I suppose you intend every +Grig of it for me, ha! Old Boy, I'll let it fly. I'll release the +yellow Sinners from their Prisons; they shall never be confined by me. + +_Skin._ I believe you, Nephew. + +_Shar._ But harkee you, Uncle, my Sister is come to Town too, and she +thinks to come in for Snacks--but not a Grig--d'ye hear--not a Grig--I +must have every Souse--Cousin Bellair too, that Prig, I hear, is +looking out Sharp--But if you leave a Denier to any of them without my +Consent you shall be buried alive in one of your own iron Chests, and +sent as a present to your old Friend Belzebub. + +_Skin._ To be sure, Nephew, you are so very dutiful and affectionate +that I shall be entirely directed by you. Lucy, (_Aside to Lucy_) I am +afraid this Villain is come to murder me; step in and call Bellair +this Instant. (_Exit Lucy_) Pray Nephew, how long have you been in +Town? + +_Shar._ I came to Town late last Night--and hearing you were alive, I +was resolved I would not sleep 'till I had seen you. So I went amongst +the Coffee Houses at Covent Garden where I made a charming Riot; I +fought a Duel, beat the Watch, kicked the Bawds, broke their Punch +Bowls, clapt an old Market Woman upon her Head in the middle of a +Kennel, bullied a Justice, and made all the Whores as drunk---- + +_Skin._ As yourself, I suppose. Upon my word, Nephew, you have made +good use of your time since you have been in Town. + +_Shar._ Ay, han't I, old Skinflint? Zounds I love a Riot; don't you +love a Riot, Uncle? + +_Skin._ O most passionately. + +_Shar._ Give me your Hand. (_Slaps him upon the Shoulder_) Old Boy, I +love you for that. + +_Skin._ O, O, O, O, he has killed me; I am murdered. + +_Shar._ Rot your old crazy Carcass, what do you cry out for, ha? + +_Skin._ O, O, O, I can't bear to be touched. + +_Shar._ O, O, Oh! Damn you, why don't you die then? Harkee Uncle, how +long do you intend to live? Ha! I'll allow you but three days, and if +you don't die in that time, dead or alive, I'll have you buried. For I +am resolved not to stir out of Town 'till I see that Bag of Bones of +yours, that old rotten Carcass pailed up between four substantial Elms +and laid twenty foot deep in the Earth, and then light lie the Turf, +and flourish long Bow. Toll, loll, de doll, ha! ha! Uncle, I'll take +care of your safe Passage to Pluto, never fear. + +_Skin._ Had ever Man such a Reprobate Relation? O the Villain! + + (_Enter Mr._ DEATH) + +_Shar._ O Mr. Death, your Servant. + +_Death._ I am come, Sir, according to your Commands; pray which is the +Gentleman I am to take Measure of? + +_Shar._ That old Prig in the Chair there. + +_Death._ Sir, your humble Servant. + +_Skin._ Sir, your Servant. What are your Commands with me? + +_Death._ Sir, my Name is Death. + +_Skin._ Death! + +_Death._ Yes Sir, at your Service, Dismal Death of--pretty well known +in this City. + +_Skin._ And pray Mr. Dismal Death, what do you want with me? + +_Death._ I am come to take measure of you for a Coffin. + +_Skin._ What! How! + +_Shar._ Yes you old Prig, I ordered him to take Measure of you and +Measure he shall take this Instant; do you hear, Mr. Death, measure +him, measure the old Prig; I'll hold him fast. + +(SHARK _lays hold of him while Mr._ DEATH _measures him_) + +_Skin._ Are you going to murder me? You Villain! Here Lucy, Nephew, +Murder! + + (_Enter_ LUCY _and_ BELLAIR) + +_Bell._ How now, what's the matter? Are you going to rob my Uncle? + +_Death._ No, no, Sir, we are only taking Measure of him for a Coffin. + +_Skin._ O Nephew, they have almost killed me! Here is your cousin +Bumper come to take Possession of my Fortune whether I will or no; and +[he] has brought a frightful Fellow to take Measure of me for a Coffin +and Shroud, and swears he will bury me within these three days, dead +or alive. + +_Bell._ Are not you ashamed, Cousin Bumper, to use our Uncle so +inhumanly? + +_Shar._ Damn you Prig, have you a mind to resent it? If you have, lug +out, and I'll soon dispatch you. (_Draws_) + +_Skin._ Was there ever such a bloody minded Villain? Dear Nephew, come +in with me; I'll do his Business for him in a more effectual way than +fighting. I'll swear the Peace against him and make my Will, without +leaving him a Shilling. (_Exit with Bellair_) + +_Shar._ So far the Plow speeds. I think we have done Mr. Bumper's +Business for him. That Obstacle is pretty well removed--We have +nothing to do now but to provide for his Sister the Widow, and then to +contrive some means to frighten the old Fellow into a Will in favour +of my Master. + +_Lucy._ Ay, Shark, that is the chiefest Difficulty, the Masterpiece, +and unless you accomplish that you do nothing. + +_Shar._ I know it, my Dear; here, here (_pointing to his head_), here, +here--the Embryo is here, and will come forth perfect in less than ten +Minutes. Why Lucy, I have a Genius to Deceit, and wanted nothing but +an Opportunity to shew it. + +_Lucy._ I think you have a very fair one now. + +_Shar._ I have so, and never fear, Girl, I'll engage I make a proper +use of it. Lord, how many great Men have been lost for want of being +thrown into a proper light? On my Conscience, had I been bred in a +Court, I believe I should have made as great a Figure as ever Cromwell +did, for + + _The Stateman's Skill like mine is all Deceit_ + _What's Policy in him--in me's a Cheat._ + _Titles and Wealth reward his noble Art,_ + _Cudgels and Bruises mine--sometimes a Cart._ + _Twas, is and will he, to the End of Time,_ + _That Poverty not Fraud creates the Crime._ + + (_Exeunt_) + + + + +ACT II + + (_Enter_ BELLAIR _and_ LUCY) + + +_Bell._ What Coach was that stopt at the Door? + +_Lucy._ My Lady Lovewealth's, Sir. I told her Miss Harriet was gone +home, and that my Master was gone out in a Chair to some of his +Lawyers, for I could not let her see Sir Isaac. + +_Bell._ You were right, Lucy. Where is Shark? + +_Lucy._ In my Room, Sir, dressing for the Widow. + +(SKINFLINT _within_) + +_Skin._ Lucy, why Lucy, ugh, ugh, where are you, Wench? + +_Bell._ I'll leave you with my Uncle, Lucy, while I step up and hasten +Shark. (_Exit_ [_Bellair_]) + + (_Enter_ SKINFLINT) + +_Skin._ Here, Lucy, tye up me Affairs; they are loose and falling +about my Heels. + +_Lucy._ They are always loose, I think. + +_Skin._ Lucy, did not I send for Monsieur du Maigre, the Apothecary? + +_Lucy._ Yes Sir, and he will be here presently. (_Knocking_) Hark, +this is he I suppose. + +_Skin._ Go see; if it is, send him up. (_Exit Lucy_) What an +insupportable Vexation Riches are; all my Relations are watching and +hovering about me like so many Crows about a dead Carrion; even +Bellair, who behaves the best of them all, has a Hawk's Eye, I see, +after my Will and advises me in a sly indirect manner to the making of +it. A Parent is used by an Heir just as a Virgin is by a Rake; before +we have parted with our Treasure, we are adored, we are Gods and +Goddesses, but as soon as that is over, we become as troublesome to +them as an evil Conscience. I'll keep my money to save my poor Soul, +for to be sure I have got a great deal of it in an unfair manner; +therefore in order to make my Peace hereafter, I'll leave it to build +an Almshouse. + + (_Enter_ LUCY) + +_Lucy._ Sir, there's a Lady in deep Mourning below, who says she is +your Niece. + +_Skin._ If she is such a Canary Bird as her Brother that was here +today, she may go to the Devil; however shew her up. (_Exit Lucy_) + +She may be the reverse of him; we ought not to condemn a whole Family +for one bad Person. + + (_Enter_ LUCY, _showing in_ SHARK _who is + dressed in Weeds_) + +_Lucy._ Madam, this is your Uncle. + +_Shar._ Sir, I have not the Honour to be known to you, but the Report +of your Death has brought me to Town, to testify the Duty and +Affection of an unworthy Niece for the best of Uncles. + +_Skin._ A good well bred kind of a Woman. (_Aside to Lucy_) Ay, this +is something like a Relation. + +_Lucy._ I shall hear you sing another tune presently. (_Aside_) + +_Skin._ Pray Niece, give me leave to salute you. You are welcome to +London. (_Kisses him_) My Eyes are but bad--yet I think I can discover +a strong Resemblance of my Sister in you. (_Peering in his Face_) + +_Shar._ Yes Sir, I was reckoned very like my Mama before I was +married, but frequent Child bearing you know, Sir, will alter a Woman +strangely for the worse. + +_Skin._ It will so, Niece; you are a Widow I perceive. + +_Shar._ Yes Sir, an unfortunate Widow (_Weeps_). I never had a dry Eye +since my Husband died. + +_Skin._ Pray Niece, what did your Husband die of? + +_Shar._ He broke his Neck a Fox Hunting. + +_Skin._ Good lack, good lack! That was dreadful. + +_Shar._ Ay Sir, and tho' I was but one and twenty when he died, he +left me both a Widow and a Mother; so early a Grief you may be sure +must have robbed me of my Bloom and has broke me mightily. + +_Skin._ As you were a Widow, Niece, at one and twenty, I don't suppose +your Husband left you many Children. + +_Shar._ Fifteen, Sir. + +_Skin._ Fifteen, Niece! (_Starting_) + +_Shar._ Ay, fifteen, Sir; I was married at fourteen. + +_Skin._ That was very young, Niece. + +_Shar._ It was so, Sir; but young Girls can't keep now adays, so I ran +away with him from the Boarding School. I had two Children by him +every ten months for six Years, and I had three by him the seventh. + +_Skin._ Upon my word you are a very good Breeder. + +_Shar._ Yes Sir, I was always accounted so; besides, Sir, I have had +two by him since his Death. + +_Skin._ How, Madam, since his Death. + +_Shar._ Yes Sir, and I am afraid I shall have some more, for a Word in +your Ear, Sir--I find I am coming again, Sir.[3] + +_Skin._ O Fye, Niece, O fye, fye--why Lucy, this Woman is as bad as +her Brother. + +_Lucy._ Indeed Sir, I am afraid so. (_Aside_) + +_Skin._ But I'll try her a little further. Pray Niece, who has been +your Companion _and Bedfellow_ for these two years past? For I presume +you have not lain alone. + +_Shar._ O Lord, Sir, not for the World! You must know, Uncle, I am +greatly addicted to be afraid of Spirits, Ghosts, Witches, and +Fairies, and so to prevent terrifying Dreams and Apparitions, _I took +a Religious Gentleman, a very good Man to bed with me--an Itinerant +Methodist, one Doctor Preach Field_. + +_Skin._ Doctor Preach Field. I have heard of him. + +_Shar._ O he's a very good man, Uncle, I assure you, _and very full of +the Spirit_. + +_Skin._ Lucy, have not I got a hopeful parcel of Relations? (_Aside_) + +_Lucy._ Indeed Sir, I think this Lady is not extremely modest. +(_Aside_) + +_Skin._ Why she ought to be whipped at the Cart's Tail (_Aside_); pray +Niece, have not you a Brother in Town? + +_Shar._ Yes Sir; he and I beat the Watch last night at Tom Kings. + +_Skin._ O Monstrous! beat the Watch, Madam! + +_Shar._ Yes Sir, and broke all the Lamps in the Parish. + +_Skin._ Very pretty Employment for a Lady truly, and so, Madam, you +came to Town merely to shew your Duty and Affection to me. + +_Shar._ Yes Sir, and in hopes to be your Heir; we had a Report in the +Country that you was Defunct; and I was in hopes to have found it +true. + +_Skin._ I am obliged to you, Madam. + +_Shar._ There is another thing we have very current in the Country. I +do not know how true it is. + +_Skin._ What is it, I pray? + +_Shar._ I have been told, Uncle, and from very good Hands, that you +are little better than a Thief. + +_Skin._ Madam! + +_Shar._ And that you got all your Fortune by biting and sharping, +extortion and cheating. + +_Skin._ Harkee Madam, get out of my House this Minute, or I will order +somebody to throw you out of the Window. + +_Shar._ I have heard too that for several years past, you have been an +old Fornicator, and that you have led a most wicked Life with this +Girl. + +_Lucy._ With me, Madam? + +_Shar._ Yes, you naughty Creature, and _that your Fornication would +have had carnal symptoms, but that he took most unnatural methods to +prevent your Pregnancy_. + +_Skin._ Get out of my Doors this Minute. + +_Shar._ Sir, you are an uncivil Gentleman to bid me get out, but I +find you are as great a Rogue as the most malicious Report can make +you. + +_Skin._ Get out of my House, I say! + +_Shar._ Well, I'll go, Sir, but depend upon it you shall not live many +Days after this. I'll be the Death of you, if there are no more Uncles +in the World. + +_Lucy._ Slip up the back stairs to my Room and I'll come and undress +you. (_Aside to him as she thrusts him off_) Get you out, you wicked +Woman, get you out. (_Exit Shark_) + +_Skin._ Was ever Man so hope up with such a parcel of Relations! Make +them my Heirs! I would as soon leave my Money to a Privateer's Crew; +and I verily believe they would be as thankful and make as good a use +of it.--I have been so worried and teazed by them all, that I am not +able to support any longer--I must go in and lye down. Support me, +Lucy, or I shall fall; I am quite faint. Oh, oh! (_Exeunt_) + + (_Enter_ BELLAIR) + +_Bell._ So! Thus far all goes well. Shark has been as successful +in his Widow as his Fox. We have routed the Family of the Bumpers. +There is nothing now to apprehend from that Quarter. But the main +Difficulty is yet behind, which is to induce him to make his Will, for +without that my Lady Lovewealth's Avarice never will consent to make +my dearest Harriet mine. + + (_Enter_ LUCY) + +_Lucy._ O Sir, we are all undone! + +_Bell._ Why what's the matter? + +_Lucy._ Your Uncle, Sir, is dead. + +_Bell._ Dead! + +_Lucy._ Ay, dead, Sir! Shark with his Tricks and Rogueries has so +teazed him that having with much ado got into his Chamber, down he +fell upon the Bed, and there he lies without either Motion, Voice, +Sense, Pulse or Understanding. + +_Bell._ The very means I took to succeed have infallibly ruined me. + + (_Enter_ SHARK) + +_Shar._ Is he gone? Is the coast clear? + +_Bell._ So Villain, your Schemes and Plots have a fine Conclusion, +Rascal. + +_Shar._ A fine Conclusion, Rascal! I don't know what conclusion they +have, but I am sure it can't be worse than this Reward; pray Sir, what +has happened? + +_Bell._ Why you have killed my Uncle, Villain, and ruined me forever. + +_Shar._ What! Is the old Fellow dead? + +_Bell._ Yes, Rascal, and without a Will. + +_Shar._ This is now an Instance of the Judgment and Gratitude of +Mankind; if I had succeeded, I should have been a second Machiavel, +and my dear Shark, I shall be ever obliged to you--but now I am a +Rascal and a Son of a Whore, a Blockhead and deserve my Bones broke. + +_Bell._ Well Sir, no upbraiding now, but tell what is to be done. + +_Shar._ What's to be done? What should be done, Sir. Break open his +Coffers, his Cabinet, his Strong Box, seize upon his Mortgage Deeds, +and Writings, but above all take a particular Care of the Bank Bills, +and the ready Cash. I have a great Veneration for them; they will tell +no tales to your Fellow Heirs, and as the old Man has bit you, why do +you plunder them. Do you take Possession and I'll engage I procure a +Lawyer who shall prove it to be something more than eleven points of +the Law. + +_Bell._ But then my Harriet, Shark! Without her the Wealth of Mexico +is useless and insipid. + +_Shar._ Upon my Soul, Sir, begging your Pardon, you make as ridiculous +a Figure in this Business as a disappointed Lover in a Play; why Sir, +our Farce is now in the very Height of the Plot, and it is impossible +you can have your Mistress 'till it be ended. + +_Bell._ Nor then either I am afraid. + +_Shar._ Lord, Sir, you are too hasty. You are like the ignorant part +of an Audience the first night of a new Play; you will have things +brought about before their time. Go and take Possession of the Assets, +I tell you, and leave the rest to the Devil and the Law. Get them on +our side, and I'll engage you prosper in any Roguery. + +_Bell._ Well, I'll go--but I see no glimmering of hope from it. + (_Exit Bellair_) + +_Shar._ Lucy, do you shut up all the Windows and lock up the door. + +_Lucy._ That's impossible, for Mr. Littlewit and Doctor Leatherhead +are below with the Marriage Articles. + +_Shar._ O the Devil! Then we are all ruined again. Hold--ha--ay--I +have a thought. Lucy, do the Lawyers know of the old Man's Death? + +_Lucy._ Not a word. They are but this minute come in. + +_Shar._ Then keep it an entire Secret--I'll clinch the whole Affair +this Instant.--Get me the old Man's Gown--and Cap--his Slippers, his +Pillow, his Flannels and all his Trumpery. + +_Lucy._ Here they all are upon the Table where he shifted. + +_Shar._ Give 'em me, quick, quick--ask no questions--so--now my +Cap--my gouty Slippers, my Flannels for my hands, here, here, pin them +on, pin them on, quick--quick, so! And now my great Chair--and now I +am damnable ill--O sick, sick,--Auh--Auh--Auh! Go and tell my Master +how I am transmogrified, do you hear, and bid him not be surprized let +what will happen, but first send up the Lawyers. (_Exit Lucy_) Lawyers +have often made false Wills for their own Interests, and I see no +reason now why they mayn't make one for mine. I am sure I have as good +a Title to be a Rogue as any of them all, for my Father was an Irish +Solicitor, my Mother a Yorkshire Gipsy, I was begotten in Wales, born +in Scotland, and brought up at that famous University of St. Giles +pound, and now he who has a better Right to be a Rogue than me, let +him put in his Claim. Tho' I believe nobody will dispute it with me, +it is all my own today; when I come to Westminster Hall I'll resign. + + (_Enter_ BELLAIR, LUCY, _Doctor_ LEATHERHEAD, _and Mr._ + LITTLEWIT, [_with_] _Pens, Ink, Papers, Candles, etc., + etc._) + +_Shar._ So Gentlemen, when I sent for you in the Morning, I was +foolish enough to think of Marriage, but Heaven pardon me, I must now +think of Death, of my poor precious Soul. I must desire you to get my +Will ready as soon as possible, for I fear my poor fleeting Life is +not worth half an Hour's purchase. + +_Doct._ The sooner it is done, the better; it may procure you Ease and +Consolation of mind. + +_Shar._ Dear Doctor Leatherhead, hold your Tongue; the less you talk, +the more it will be to the purpose, I am sure. Nephew, draw near. +Lucy, take those Candles out of my Eyes, and shut that Door. + +_Lucy._ Sir, my Lady Lovewealth has sent her Daughter to wait on you, +and my Lady will be here herself immediately. + +_Shar._ Very well, let my wife that was to be come up--and let her +know how Affairs are, Lucy. (_Aside to Lucy_) (_Exit Lucy_) + +_Little._ (_At the Table writing_) Um, um, Sir Isaac Skinflint of the +Parish of um--sound sense--um weak in Body--uncertainty of human +Life--um--last Will and Testament--Now Sir, we are ready; I have +finished the Preamble. + +_Doct._ But Sir Isaac, should not this Will be made in Private? We +always choose to have as few Witnesses by as possible. + +_Shar._ I believe you, Doctor Leatherhead, that they may produce the +more Law Suits. Ay, ay, Doctor, I know the tricks of the Law; the more +Grist, the more Toll for the Miller--but you shall not fill your Bags +out of my Sack, you Harpies, you Cormorants, you Devourers! O you +Bloodsuckers! Auh, auh! + +_Doct._ I find Sir Isaac still the same Man. + +_Little._ No matter, Doctor; as it is the last Business we shall do +for him, he shall pay swingingly. + +_Shar._ I will make my Will simple and plain, and before many +Witnesses. + + (_Enter_ HARRIET) + +So Harriet, you are come to see the last of the old Man--well I +forgive you your Raillery today--come kiss me, Hussy, or I'll +disinherit you. (_Kisses her_) You had better kiss me as a dying +Uncle, Hussy, than a living Husband, for I shall give you to my +Nephew--and now Gentlemen of the Black Robe, who protect our +properties for us, the first thing you are to do is to fill up the +blank in the Marriage Articles with my Nephew's name instead of mine, +for he I fancy, he will be much properer to manage the young Lady's +Concerns than me. It is over with me; what think you, Harriet? Don't +you think he'll do it better than me, ha? Ah the young Jade, how she +smiles. She knows what I mean, but Gentlemen, before I make my Will, I +have one thing to observe, which is that I am a very whimsical old +Rogue! You all know that, I believe. + +_Doct._ Why you are a little whimsical, Sir Isaac, sometimes, I know. + +_Shar._ And therefore I desire a Bond may immediately be prepared for +me to give my Nephew, which will put it out of my power to revoke the +Will I shall now make in these Presents; for I am so odd a Fellow, +that it is a hundred to one, I shall want to go from it tomorrow. + +_Doct._ I am afraid, Sir Isaac, such a Bond will not be good in Law. + +_Little._ O yes, Doctor, very good. Doctor, you will hurt the Practice +with your Scruples; what is it to us whether it be a good Bond or not; +it is a new Case, and will be a Bone of Contention to us. The Gown +will get by it, let who will lose. (_Aside to the Doctor_) + +_Doct._ I believe, Sir Isaac, upon second Thoughts it will be a good +Bond. + +_Shar._ Then draw it up, and now Gentlemen, as to my Will--Inprimis, +let all my Debts be discharged. + +_Doct._ That I believe, Sir Isaac, will be soon done; for I don't +suppose you owe any. + +_Shar._ Yes I owe for the nursing of a Bastard Child at Wandsor. + +_Doct._ Is it possible you ever had a Bastard? + +_Shar._ Several, Doctor, but they were all dropt upon different +Parishes, except that One. Then there are some few dribbling Debts at +Alehouses and Taverns where I used to meet my Wenches--in all about +twenty Pounds. + +_Doct._ I find, Mr. Littlewit, the old Gentleman has been a Cock of +the Game in his time, Good Blood. + +_Little._ Really, Doctor Leatherhead, I think so. + +_Shar._ Item, I do constitute my Nephew Bellair whole and sole +Executor of this my last Will and Testament. + +_Bell._ O my dear Uncle, shall I lose you. (_Cries_) + +_Shar._ Good natured Boy, how he weeps, disinheriting and cutting off +all other Persons whatsoever--saving those hereafter mentioned. + +_Lucy._ O my dear generous Master. (_Cries_) + +_Shar._ Poor Girl, she weeps too; I suppose for the same Reason, to +put me in Mind of her; never fear, Lucy. I'll not forget you; you have +been a good Girl and managed my Concerns with great Skill and Decency. + +_Doct._ Proceed, Sir. + +_Shar._ Unto Harriet Lovewealth my Niece that shall be, I do +give--(_Lucy, you know where they are_) a set of Diamond Bracelets +which were mortgaged to me and forfeited by the Welch Lady that used +to game so much. + +_Lucy._ I have them in this Casket, Sir. + +_Shar._ Give them to me--there--I give them Harriet, but first kiss +me, Hussy--I will have a Kiss for them. (_Kisses her and gives her the +bracelets_) + +_Bell._ Impudent Rascal! + +_Shar._ Item, to Lucy who for many years has served me faithfully--and +who used to flatter me in all my little Foibles. + +_Lucy._ Sure never was so generous and grateful a Master. (_Cries_) + +_Shar._ To her I bequeath, when she marries, one thousand pounds, +provided it be with that honest Lad Shark, not a Farthing else. + +_Bell._ How Sir, a thousand Pounds; it is too much. + +_Shar._ Not at all, Nephew. + +_Bell._ Here's a Dog. (_Aside_) Consider, Sir, she's a low bred poor +Person. + +_Shar._ Poor is she? Why then, Mr. Littlewit, if the Girl is poor, put +her down another Hundred, but with a Proviso still that she marries +Shark. + +_Bell._ I presume, Sir, you have done now. + +_Shar._ Done! The Gods of Gratitude and Generosity forbid; no I must +remember poor Shark. I must not forget him--Item, to that honest +Fellow Shark, auh, auh! + +_Bell._ O the Rascal; he'll give half the Estate to himself and Lucy. + +_Shar._ To Shark, I say, for his faithful Services. + +_Bell._ Why, Sir, he's the most idle, drunken---- + +_Shar._ Hold your Tongue, Nephew, you are deceived in the young +Man--you don't know him so well as I. I have known him many Years; he +is a sober honest Fellow, and has a great Regard for you, and for that +Reason, I leave him two hundred pounds per Annum. + +_Bell._ Two hundred pounds, Sir---- + +_Shar._ Pray be silent, Nephew; I know his Virtues and good Qualities; +therefore, Mr. Littlewit, I think you may as well make it two hundred +and fifty. + +_Bell._ Sir! Per Annum! Sir! + +_Shar._ Ay, per Annum, for ten Annums if I please, Sir. Why sure I can +do what I will with my own. + +_Bell._ I beg your Pardon, Sir, it is a great deal too much, I think. + +_Shar._ I think not, and I believe at this Juncture my Thoughts are +more to the purpose than yours. + +_Bell._ But consider, Sir, what can he do with so much money; such a +low poor Fellow that has no Friends. + +_Shar._ No Friends? + +_Bell._ No Sir, a low Friendless Fellow. + +_Shar._ Nay if he is poor--set him down another hundred, Mr. +Littlewit. He shall not want a Friend while I am alive; for he is an +honest Lad, and loves a Bottle and a Wench as well as myself. + +_Bell._ Was there ever such a tricking exorbitant Rascal? (_Aside_) +Sir, I beg you'll alter that Article that relates to Shark. + +_Shar._ Sir, I beg you'll hold your Tongue. Say another word and I'll +give him a thousand pounds per Annum. + +_Bell._ Sir, I humbly beg Pardon. (_Bowing very low_) + +_Shar._ Well, beg Pardon and be satisfied. I think you have +reason--here I shall have you Master of six or seven thousand pounds +per Annum, as you call it, and almost a Plumb and a half in ready +Cole, and you are not satisfied; say one Word more and I'll tear my +Will, or leave every Shilling to the Inhabitants of Bedlam or to the +Man that finds out the Longitude. + +_Bell._ I have done, Sir. + +_Shar._ Pray then have done, Sir, and don't fret me. + +_Bell._ An impudent Rogue, but I must not contend with him now. +(_Aside_) + +_Shar._ Lord, it is as much trouble to give away an Estate as to get +it. + +_Doct._ Mr. Bellair, you should not interrupt the Testator; at such a +time his Mind should not be disturbed. + +_Shar._ You are in the right, Doctor Leatherhead. Let me see, have I +no Friend that I care to oblige with two or three thousand--I am in +such a generous Temper that I don't care to leave off yet. I have a +great Mind to give Shark a handful over, but---- + +_Bell._ Sir! + +_Shar._ No, I believe I have done. + +_Doct._ Will you please to sign then? + +_Shar._ That I would with all my Heart, but that the Gout and Palsy +prevent me. + +_Doct._ Then we must observe, Mr. Littlewit, that the said Testator +does declare his inability to write. + +_Shar._ Is the Bond to my Nephew ready? + +_Little._ Yes Sir. + +_Shar._ But is it strong, and so well drawn that the old Nick himself +should he turn Pettyfogger could not reverse it? + +_Doct._ It is, Sir. + +_Shar._ Very well. + +_Doct._ There if you please to make your mark by touching the Pen. +(_Shark touches the Pen_) So, and put the Watch over his Hand, and let +him take off the Seal--so, very well, Sir, you publish and declare +this to be your last Will and Testament, and desire Doctor Leatherhead +and Mr. Littlewit to be Witnesses thereunto? + +_Shar._ I do. + +(_All the ceremony of signing and sealing and delivering is +performed_) + +_Doct._ Very well, Sir Isaac, I will take care they shall be properly +registered. + +_Shar._ I beg, good Folks, that you will slip into the next Room for a +few Moments while I compose myself after this intolerable Fatigue; +Nephew, pray shew them in, and do the Honours of my House in the +genteelest Manner. + +_Bell._ I shall, Sir.--Doctor Leatherhead, Mr. Littlewit--will you +walk in, Gentlemen? + +_Doct._ Sir, your Servant, Sir. + +_Little._ Your's; we wish you better. + +_Shar._ Your Servant, your Servant, Gentlemen. Auh, auh--quick, quick. +(_Coughs_) (_Exeunt all but Lucy and Shark_) Lucy, off with my +Roguery, and let me appear in my native honesty. I have had Gibbets +and Halters in my Mind a hundred Times, passing and repassing, since I +began this Business. I am horridly afraid that the Devil and Sir +Isaac, for I suppose they are met by this time, will contrive some +means to counterplot us. Tho' I think I shall be a Match for them, if +we can keep the Law on our side, let me but secure that and I defy the +Devil and all his Works. There, there they are, the precious Robes of +Deceit. (_Throws down the old Man's Gown and Cap_) I think there has +been transacted as ingenious a Scene of Iniquity in that Gown, within +the short space of half an Hour, as in any Gown that has been trapesed +in Westminster Hall since the ingenious Mr. Wreathcock was +transported--Now my dear Lucy, after all this Fatigue and Bustle +(_Throws down the old Man's dress_) I think it would not be amiss for +you and I to relieve _and solace ourselves in the lawful State of +Procreation_. + +_Lucy._ Time enough, Fool. Consider Matrimony is a long Journey. + +_Shar._ True, Lucy; therefore the sooner we set out the better; for +Love, my Dear, like Time must be taken by the Forelock. + +_Lucy._ Come, come, this is no time for prating and fooling. Do you +join the Company to avoid Suspicion, and tomorrow Morning put me in +Mind of it. If I am in Humour, I may perhaps walk towards Doctors +Commons and venture at a great Leap in the Dark with you, for so I +think marriage may be justly called. + +_Shar._ Why ay, this is speaking like one that has a mind to Deal. +_Here's my hand; it shall stand on my side._ + +_Lucy._ And here's my hand. If I can help it, it shall not fail on +mine. + +_Shar._ Touch--Buss--I like the Sample and _am resolved to purchase +the whole Commodity_. (_Exit Shark_) + +(_Monsieur_ DU MAIGRE _within_) + +_Maigre._ Mistress Lucy! Mistress Lucy! why you no come when your +Maitre Janie be so very much bad--where be you? + +_Lucy._ Who have we here? Our Apothecary, Monsieur du Maigre! Pray +Heaven the old Man is not come to Life again. + + (_Enter Monsieur_ DU MAIGRE) + +_Maigre._ O Mistress Lucy for shame! Pardie, why you no come to your +Maitre! He be dead this one half quartre de Hour, and you no come; by +Gar, he wanta his Gown and his Cap. + +_Lucy._ What, is he alive? + +_Maigre._ Yes; he was dead, but I bring him to Life; I bleed a him, +and so he comes from the dead Man to de Life. But come, allons, vite, +vite, he want a de Gown. (_Takes up the Gown and Cap_) + +_Lucy._ So we have been making a Will to a fine Purpose. + +_Maigre._ Allons, vite, vite, Mistress Lucy, he be very bad +indeed--and he want a you ver much, allons. (_Exeunt_) + + (_Enter_ BELLAIR _and_ SHARK) + +_Shar._ Well, Sir, now who is the Fool? the Blockhead? Did not I tell +you we should succeed? + +_Bell._ Yes but, Scoundrel, how did you dare to make such a Will? + +_Shar._ In what respect, Sir? + +_Bell._ In what, Rascal! To Lucy and yourself, how dare you leave so +much money between you? + +_Shar._ For the best reason in the World, Sir, because I knew nobody +dared to contradict me. And had I thought you would have been angry at +it--I assure you, Sir--I should have left as much more. Why Sir, if +you will consider the Affair impartially, you will find I had a right +to be Co-heir with you. + +_Bell._ How so, Sir? + +_Shar._ By the Laws of Roguery, Sir--in which it is a fundamental +Maxim that in Cheats of this Kind, all people are upon a par, and have +a right to an equal Snack. + +_Bell._ Impudent Rascal! + +_Shar._ But if you think, Sir, that I have behaved in this Affair +selfishly or unbecoming a Rogue of Honour, I will send in for Doctor +Leatherhead and Mr. Littlewit, for they are still in the next Room, +and cancel the Will directly. + +_Bell._ No, Rascal, you know my Love to Harriet will not let me +consent to that. + +_Shar._ This is just the way of the great World--the poor Rogues are +Men of parts and do all the Business--and the rich ones not only +arrogate the Merit to themselves, but are for running away with all +the Plunder. + + (_Enter_ LUCY) + +_Lucy._ O Sir! + +_Bell._ What's the matter? + +_Lucy._ Oh! Oh! Oh! I can't speak--but your Uncle's alive--that's all. +(_Sets down a great Chair_) + +_Shar._ And that's enough to hang one, I'm sure. + +_Bell._ Alive! + +_Lucy._ Ay, alive, Sir. + +_Shar._ This comes of your begrudging me my Snack of the Spoil, Sir. + +_Bell._ Why I thought you saw him senseless and dead. + +_Lucy._ I thought so too; but it seems while we were about the Will, +Monsieur du Maigre, the Apothecary, came in and bled him in an +Instant, which has unfortunately recovered him. He is within with him +now, and one Councellour Cormorant who is come upon some Law Business +to him--O here they all come. + +_Bell._ What a malicious turn of Fortune this is. + +_Shar._ Why Sir, if you will not be ungrateful, now I believe I can +secure a Retreat and such a one as the greatest General in Europe in +our Situation would not be ashamed of. + +_Bell._ Dear Shark, I will do anything thou wilt. + +_Shar._ Ay, now it is dear Shark, but know, Sir, you have to deal with +an Englishman, and a Man of Honour who scorns to put an Enemy to Death +when he begs for Quarter--tho' you have been an ungenerous Ally as +ever vowed Fidelity to the Crown of England--but no matter, I'll serve +you still and completely. + +_Bell._ But how, dear Shark? + +_Shar._ I won't tell you--and I defy you to guess now--or anybody else +that's more--I must step into the next Room for a Moment and whisper +the Lawyers, and in the meantime, do you persist in your Uncle's +having made a Will; that's all.--Don't you be like an ignorant Thief +before a noisy Magistrate, confess and hang yourself. And you, Madam, +do you embronze your Countenance, and keep up your Character to the +last. (_Exit_) + + (_Enter_ SKINFLINT _supported by Councellour_ CORMORANT + _and Monsieur_ DU MAIGRE, LUCY _settling his great Chair_) + +_Skin._ Auh! auh! gently, gently. Let me down gently, pray. Oh, oh, +oh. (_Sits down_) O Nephew, how could you let me lie for dead so long +and never come near me? + +_Bell._ Really, Sir, I never heard a word that you were in any Danger +of Dying. + +_Skin._ And Lucy, how could you be so cruel to neglect me so long? + +_Lucy._ Me! Lord, Sir, I never knew anything of it 'till Monsieur du +Maigre informed me. + +_Maigre._ No, Pardie, she not have any knowledge 'till dat me make her +de Intelligence. + +_Lucy._ I thought you were in a sound Sleep, Sir, and was extremely +glad of it. + +_Bell._ And so was I, I do assure you, Sir. + +_Skin._ I am obliged to you Nephew, but I had like to have slept my +last. + +_Maigre._ It is very true indeed upon my word. But dat Monsieur la +avocat--here--Monsieur la what is your name, si'l vous plait--I always +forget. + +_Coun._ Cormorant, Sir. + +_Maigre._ Mais oui Monsieur la Cormorant--but dat he and I come in +together, just after one another; I believe I come in one, two Minute +before you, Monsieur la Cormorant--I say but dat me come in the Nick +upon a my word, Sir Isaac, you be defunct.--And then I lose my Annuity +upon your Life, and by Gar, dat be very bad for Monsieur du Maigre. + +_Skin._ I am obliged to you, Monsieur--are the Lawyers come, Lucy? Mr. +Littlewit and Doctor Leatherhead? + +_Lucy._ Yes Sir, they have been here a considerable time. + +_Skin._ Desire them to walk in. + +_Lucy._ So now the Murder's coming out. (_Exit Lucy_) + +_Skin._ Nephew, I am at last resolved to make my Will; I shall make a +proper provision for you in it. But as our Soul is the immortal part +of us,[4] I must take Care of that the first thing I do. Therefore I +am resolved to appropriate so much of my Fortune as will be sufficient +for that purpose to the building of an Almshouse. + + (_Enter Doctor_ LEATHERHEAD, _Mr._ LITTLEWIT, _Lady_ + LOVEWEALTH, [HARRIET,] SHARK _and_ LUCY) + +_Skin._ So Gentlemen! I have altered my Mind, Mr. Littlewit, since I +saw you last. + +_Little._ Concerning what, Sir? + +_Skin._ My Will, Sir. + +_Little._ It is now too late, Sir; you have put it out of your Power. + +_Skin._ Out of my Power? + +_Doct._ Ay, and out of the Power of Westminster Hall! Sir Isaac, you +know I gave you my Opinion upon it before you made it. + +_Skin._ What, is the man mad? + +_Doct._ No, Sir, I am not mad; and I would advise you not to be +foolish and whimsical as you owned about half an hour since you were +subject to. + +_Skin._ Why the men are drunk or mad, I think. + +_Maigre._ Pardie, somebody be drunk or mad among you, for by gar, me +no understand your Vards. + +_Skin._ Why Gentlemen, I sent for you to make my Will. + +_Doct._ You did so, Sir, and you have made it. And it is registered. +And there is the Copy. Ask your Nephew, and these Ladies, and your +maid Lucy, and the Footman here. + +_Shar._ No pray, Sir, don't bring me into it; I was not here. + +_Doct._ You are right, Friend, I believe you were not here, but ask +all the rest. + +_Skin._ Nephew, do you know anything of all this? + +_Bell._ Upon my word, Sir, what the Doctor says is true. + +_Skin._ How! True, Lucy? + +_Lucy._ Indeed, Sir, you did make a Will before you had your fit, but +you have forgot it, I suppose. + +_Skin._ Why this is all a Contrivance, a Conspiracy, a--pray when did +I make this Will? + +_Doct._ Why, Sir, it is not ten minutes since you signed it, and all +these are Witnesses. (_Pointing on their own side of the room_) + +_Shar._ No pray, Sir, leave me out. I will be sworn in any Court in +Westminster, Sir Isaac, that I know nothing of the matter. + +_Maigre._ By Gar, this Doctor Leatherhead be one ver great +Fripon.--Harkee, Sir, you say he make de Signature to the Will in +these ten a Minute. + +_Doct._ Yes Sir. + +_Maigre._ By Gar, dat cannot be, fo[r] Monsieur Cormorant and myself +be vid him above thirteen, and he make no Will in that time, Jarnie +bleu. + +_Coun._ It is very true, Gentlemen, that we can attest. + +_Skin._ Pray Doctor, let me see this Will; read it if you please. + +_Doct._ Sir Isaac Skinflint being seated in his great Chair--um +underwritten--Sound Senses tho' infirm in Body. + +_Skin._ No matter for the Preamble. + +_Doct._ Um, um, um, committed to writing his underwritten Will, in +Manner and Form following; Imprimis, I will that all my Debts be paid. + +_Skin._ Debts! I do not owe one Shilling in the World. + +_Doct._ You forget, Sir Isaac, you owe for the Nursing of a Bastard +Child at Wandsor, and several little dribbling Debts where you used to +meet your Wenches. + +_Skin._ How a Bastard; why I never had a Bastard in my Life--but +once--and that was forty years ago with a great red Hair Wench, a Maid +that my Father had--but it was when I was a Lad and I did not know +what I was about. + +_Doct._ Item, I do constitute my Nephew Bellair whole and sole +Executor, disinheriting and cutting off all other Persons. + +_Skin._ This is a scene of Villainy. + +_Doct._ Saving those hereafter mentioned-unto Harriet Lovewealth my +Niece that shall be, I do bequeath the set of Diamond +Bracelets--Mortgaged by the---- + +_Skin._ This is all a Robbery. + +_Coun._ Let 'em go on, Sir Isaac, you have your Remedy. + +_Skin._ This is all a Robbery. + +_Doct._ To my Maid Lucy, one thousand pounds. + +_Skin._ O monstrous; I never intended to give her a Farthing. + +_Doct._ Item, to that honest Fellow Slipstring Shark. + +_Shar._ That is me, Sir Isaac, and I humbly thank your Honour. + +_Doct._ I bequeath him three hundred pounds per Annum during his +natural Life, to be paid out of that part of my Estate he shall think +proper. + +_Shar._ O blessings on your generous Heart. It was always fond of +rewarding Merit. + +_Skin._ Read no more--I'll have every one of you indicted for +Forgery--and Conspiracy and--first take Notice, Councellour Cormorant +and Monsieur du Maigre, that I deny that Will to be any Act of +mine--and that I cancel it to all Intents and Purposes. + +_Doct._ That you can't do, Sir--for by way of Marriage Articles +between Bellair and Harriet Lovewealth you have signed a Deed +conformable to this Will. + +_Skin._ Why this is such a piece of Villainy as the Records of +Westminster Hall cannot match. + +_Coun._ Do not be uneasy Sir Isaac, you have one, and one certain way +of oversetting all their Villainy; and that is by confessing that you +made this Will, and proving that you were out of your Senses when you +did it, which may easily be done by proper Witnesses. (_Aside_) + +_Skin._ I'll confess that or anything--to get my money again, and to +hang them all--Doctor Leatherhead, I begin now to remember something +of the making of this Will,--but I can prove I was lightheaded and out +of my Senses when I did it. + +_Doct._ Sir Isaac, it is no Affair of mine.--It is your Nephew's +Concern; if he is willing to let such Chicane pass upon him, he may; +but if he has a Mind to insist upon the Will, I'll undertake to prove +you were in your Senses as perfectly as ever you were in your Life. + +_Skin._ And will you insist, Nephew? + +_Bell._ It is not in my Power to be off it, Sir, for in consequence +that you were sincere when you made this Will, my Lady Lovewealth here +has given me her Daughter, and her own Chaplain has just now put the +finishing hand to the Business in the next Room, before all these +Witnesses. + +_Skin._ So you won't resign? + +_Bell._ I can't, Sir. + +_Skin._ Come along, Mr. Cormorant, I'll hamper them all--I'll prove +myself out of my Senses before I sleep. (_Exit Skinflint and +Cormorant_) + +_Maigre._ By gar, dis be all ver great, much Surprize upon me, van, +pardie, pardie make the Man make a de Vill veder he will or no, and de +Man say he will prove dat he be Lunatic and lightheaded--by gar, me +never hear de like in France, pardie, etc. etc. (_Exit_) + +_Shar._ Well I believe this Affair is over for tonight; and upon my +Word, I am heartily glad of it, for I have been in very sweating +Circumstances ever since it began, but especially since Sir Isaac came +to Life. I was afraid that single incident would have damned our whole +Intrigue; but thanks to the Gentlemen of the Gown, I now begin to +have some hopes we shall succeed. I have done my Master's Business +completely, and as Executors go, I do not think that I have been too +partial to myself--I believe there are several honest Gentlemen who +walk the 'Change and go to Church constantly [who] would have thought +they acted very generously if they had given Bellair even an equal +Dividend--but I beg Pardon--you are to judge, not I, and unless you +approve the Deed, I shall denounce my Share of the Legacy. + + _For should our Will in Westminster be tried + The Right, I fear, would fall on t'other side. + Here you are absolute; confirm my Cause. + If you approve--a Figg for Courts and Laws!_ + + +FINIS + + + + +THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZED: + +OR + +THE PLAGUE OF ENVY[5] + +PROLOGUE[6] + + + Of all good Printing it is hardest sure + To form a perfect Piece in Miniature. + The Genius and the Pencil when confined + Cramp both the Painter's Hand and Poet's Mind. + Let then the Author claim a kinder Fate + Whose Compass little,--yet his Subject great. + Thus for our Petit Piece we crave your Favour, + And if she bear one Sketch of Nature, save her-- + _Let not your Wrath against the Author rise, + If he to Flight presumes to criticize. + Our humble Wren attempts to mount and sing, + Beneath the Shelter of his Eagle's Wing._ + + Envy's a general Vice from which we see + No Country, Sex, no Time or Station free; + Not e'en the Stage; for entre nous I fear + Our Emulation is meer Envy here. + Whatever the Pursuits our Thoughts engage, + Envy's the ruling Passion of the Stage. + Yet here our Friends the Poets much surpass us; + Envy's a Weed that almost choaks Parnassus. + And what amazes most is often found + Mixt in the Harvest of the richest Ground. + While Poets railed and ruined in each Page, + We took it all for pure poetick Rage. + While ev'ry little Slip was made the Handle, + And Satire's specious Name concealed the Scandal, + We thought that Virtue did this Warmth impart, + Nor saw low Envy lurking in the Heart. + Our Indignation into Grief was turned, + E'en those, who felt the Smart, admired and mourned. + The scribbling unsuccessful envious Fool + Is the fit Subject for our Ridicule. + Those Sons of Dulness here in Crowds resort, + Tho' Dunces on the Record of this Court. + As they were wounded, so they wish to wound, + And strive to deal their own Damnation round. + To blast young Merit all their Powers they bring, + And set their little Souls upon the thing. + Yet still the wretched Fool comes off a Loser, + Dulness, like Conscience, is its own Accuser. + And Tyrant Envy can at once impart + Sneers to the Face and Vultures to the Heart. + + Then from this Subject which tonight we chuse, + At least confess it is an honest Muse. + A Foe to ev'ry Party, ev'ry Faction; + For lo, she draws her Pen against Detraction. + +P.S. You may send it to the Barbers. + + + + +DRAMATIS PERSONAE + + + CANKER + LADY CRITICK + HEARTLY + HARRIET + SIR PATRICK BASHFULL + MRS. CHATTER + NIBBLE + TRIFLE + PLAGIARY + GRUBWIT + BUMPKIN + FOOTMAN + +_Scene in Lady_ CRITICK's _House_ + +The Time an hour after the New Play on the first Night + + + + +THE NEW PLAY CRITICIZED: + +OR + +THE PLAGUE OF ENVY + + (_Enter_ CANKER _and_ FOOTMAN) + + +_Cank._ Is not my Man come in yet? + +_Foot._ No, Sir. + +_Cank._ Pray will you oblige me by letting one of your Servants step +to Covent Garden Playhouse to look for him. + +_Foot._ I'll go myself, Sir; for I shan't be wanted 'till my Lady +comes from the Play. (_Exit_) + +_Cank._ Let me see (_pulling out his Watch_) 'tis now half an hour +after Seven. By this time the Fate of the Suspicious Husband is +determined; applauded to the Skies; or damned beyond Redemption; its +Author crowned with Laurel, or covered with Shame. Sure they can't +approve it! And yet the Stings I felt at the reading [of] it give me +presaging Pangs of its Success. (_Sighs deeply_) It has its Beauties I +must confess. Why should I thus grieve at a young Author's approaching +Fame? His Throes and Pangs lest it should fail have been far short of +mine lest it should succeed; nor would the Author's Joy for its kind +Reception equal my secret Rapture at its irretrievable Disgrace. What +is this that like a slow but infallible Poison corrodes my Vitals and +destroys my Peace of Mind? Emulation? (_Shakes his head and sighs_) I +am afraid the World will call it Envy. All Mankind has some, but +Authors most; and we can better brook a Rival in our Love than in our +Fame. What can detain this Rascal? I am upon the Rack to know how it +goes on--let me see, in what Manner would I have it treated? In the +first Act I would have them applaud it violently,--in the second and +third be coldly attentive,--in the fourth begin to groan, horse laugh +and whistle,--and in the fifth just before the Catastrophe, one and +all cry aloud, off, off, off! The Epilogue! The Epilogue! O that would +be delightful! Exquisite! + + (_Enter_ FOOTMAN) + +So Sir! You Blockhead, how came you to stay so long? But first tell me +how the Play was received; whereabouts did they begin to hiss? + +_Foot._ Hiss! he, he, he, Lard, Zir, why they did not hiss at all. + +_Cank._ You lye, you Rascal! (_Gives him a box_) + +_Foot._ Zir! + +_Cank._ I say they did hiss. + +_Foot._ Hiss quotha!--I am zure you have made my Ear hiss--and zing +too, I think; why pray Zir, what did'st give me such a Wherrit var? + +_Cank._ How shamefully I expose my weakness to my Servant. I would +know the truth, but I cannot bear to hear it. (_Aside_) Come, Sir, +tell me (_Sits down in a great Chair_) how was it received? But first +what made you stay so long? Did I not order you to hearken at the Pit +Door and bring me Word at the end of every Act how it went on? + +_Foot._ Yes Zir; you did zo, Zir; but the Vauk zhut the Door, and then +I could zee nothing at all o' the Matter.--Zo I begged them to open +the door as I might zee through it; but they were zo ztout that they +would do no zuch thing, they zaid. Zo then I went up to the Lobby--and +there I met with an auld Vellow Zervant out of Zomersetshire. Zo he +and I went up to the Footman's Gallery that I might give my Vardie of +the matter to your Honour when I came Home. + +_Cank._ And why did you not come away at the End of the first Act? + +_Foot._ Why faith to tell your Honour the truth it made me laugh zo I +could not vind in my Heart to leave it. + +_Cank._ Rascal, how dare you tell me it made you laugh? (_Strikes +him_) + +_Foot._ No indeed, Zir, it was a mistake of mine; I mean it made me +cry zo I could not leave it. + +_Cank._ Leave your blundering, you blockhead, and tell me how it was +received; did they hiss it? + +_Foot._ Yes Zir, yes Zir, there was as much hizzing as when your +Tragedy was acted. + +_Cank._ Rascal, how dare you mention that, hissed. (_Strikes him_) + +_Foot._ Why what the Devil would you have a Man zay. You be'ent +pleased when I tell you it was clapt, nor you be'ent pleased when I +tell you it was hissed. (_Cries_) But whether you are pleased or no, I +tell you it was clapt very much and was ten times comicaller than your +Tragedy, and made the People laugh more. + +(_Runs off for fear of being beat_) + +_Cank._ How this ignorant Rascal has teized me by his Account! I can't +tell whether it was damned or saved; he said it was clapt--but he said +afterwards it was hissed--it may be so for _it is impossible mere +Incidents_, which are the chief Merit of this Piece, should make it +succeed! Were I sure of that, would I had gone myself! O what a secret +Rapture should I have had in the hypocritical Exertion of my seeming +good Nature in the Author's behalf. When I was sure it would not serve +him, I would have stabbed and wounded his Fame by my pity for his ill +Success, 'till I had made both him and his Play as contemptible as +Vanity and Dullness, but the Fear of being martyred by its Applause +was insupportable. I could never have survived it. + + (_Enter Mr._ HEARTLY) + +_Heart._ Mr. Canker, your most humble Servant. + +_Cank._ Mr. Heartly, yours. + +_Heart._ Are the Ladies come home from the Play? + +_Cank._ Not yet, Sir; weren't you there, Mr. Heartly? + +_Heart._ No, Sir, I had some Business of Consequence which prevented +me. _I hear there were prodigious Crowds there and that the House was +full by four o'clock._ + +_Cank._ I am surprized at that, for I think that this Author has never +writ for the Stage before. + +_Heart._ That may be the Reason why he excites such Curiosity now; for +the People look upon every new Author as a Candidate for publick Fame +or Disgrace; and as the Right of Election is vested in them, each +Man's Friendship, Vanity, or Envy prompts him to exert his Authority +the first Night, lest he should never have an Opportunity afterwards. + +_Cank._ Well I wish this Gentleman well of his Election. _I knew him +at School and College_, and have some small Acquaintance with him now; +a--a--as a Man I like him extremely, but--as--an--a--a--a--a--an +Author, a, um,--I wish he had not writ, that's all. + +_Heart._ Why so Sir, I think there is not a Gentleman in Britain but +might be proud of being the Author of a well wrote Play. + +_Cank._ Ha, ha, Lord, Mr.--sure you can't call his a Play. _It is +rather a Pantomime, a thing stuffed with Escapes, Pursuits, Ladders of +Ropes and Scenes in the Dark, all a parcel of Pantomimical Finesses +such as you see every Night at Rich's Entertainments. Ranger is really +the Harlequin and Mr. Strictland Colombine's Husband; though the +Author is an Acquaintance and a Man whom I respect, notwithstanding I +have so contemptible an Opinion of the Play, I heartily wish he may +succeed._ + +_Heart._ This is a very strange way of showing your Respect, Mr. +Canker. + +_Cank._ Sir, I assure you my Censure of the Piece arises from my +Esteem of the Author. I would have him exploded now, that he may not +expose himself by writing again. Besides I have some Concern for the +Publick; it should not be overrun with every Fool _who mistakes +Inclination for Genius_. + +_Heart._ Nor plagued with every invidious Wretch who mistakes Envy for +Judgment and Assurance for Parts. If the Suspicious Husband has Merit, +the Publick will reward it; if not they will condemn it. + +_Cank._ The Publick! ha, ha, ha, Mr. Heartly, ask any Man of real +Taste and Learning what he thinks of publick Judgment. + +_Heart._ 'Tis true they have been often in the wrong, but then it is +always on the good Natured Side. They have sometimes applauded where +perhaps they should have censured, _but there never was an Instance +where they condemned unjustly_. + +_Cank._ Yes Sir, they condemned several of my pieces unjustly and +shamefully, and _if they applaud such a piece as the Suspicious +Husband_, I say they have lost all Taste of good Writing and true +Comedy. + +_Heart._ O here is my Lady's Woman, Mrs. Chatter: she has been at the +Play and can give us the whole Account of it. + + (_Enter Mrs._ CHATTER _and_ FOOTMAN) + +_Mrs. Chat._ Pray Mr. Thomas, be so good as to get me a Glass of +Water. + +_Foot._ Yes ma'm. (_Going_) + +_Chat._ And pray give this Capuchin and Fan to the Chambermaid. + +_Foot._ Yes ma'm. (_Exit_) + +_Chat._ Gentlemen, I beg ten thousand Pardons, but I must sit down a +bit, I am so immensely fatigued. + +_Heart._ Pray Mrs. Chatter, what it is Matter? + +_Chat._ Matter! The Devil fetch the new Play for me, and the Play-House, +and the Players, and all of them together, for I was never so chagrinned +since I was born. + +_Cank._ What you did not like the Play, I suppose, Mrs. Chatter, nor +the Acting. + +_Chat._ O quite the contrary, Sir, I never saw a prettier Play in all +my Life, and I think Mr. Ranger the Templer is a charming Fellow! O +lud! I protest I should not care to trust myself with him in his +Chambers--well he made me laugh a thousand times tonight, with his +going up the Ladder of Ropes, and then into the Lady's Chamber, and +his dropping his Hat, and his going to ravish Jacyntha, and a thousand +comical things--but he brings all off at last. (_Enter Footman with a +Glass of Water_) O Mr. Thomas, I thank you. (_Drinks, gives him the +Glass, Footman is going off_) O Mr. Thomas. + +_Foot._ Madam. + +_Chat._ I vow I am over Shoes and Boots with walking home from the +Playhouse; there was neither Chair nor Coach to be had for Love or +Money; pray will you tell the Chambermaid to leave out some clean +things for me in my Lady's dressing Room. + +_Foot._ I shall, Madam. (_Going_) + +_Chat._ O one thing more--pray Mr. Thomas, let the Monkey and the +Parrot be removed out of my Lady's dressing Room, for I know she won't +care to converse with them tonight.--The new Comedy I suppose will +engross our Chat for one week at least. + +_Foot._ A pox on these Monkeys and Parrots and these second hand +Quality; they require more Attendance than our Ladies. (_Exit_) + +_Heart._ Pray Mrs. Chatter, if you were pleased with the Play and the +Acting, from whence arises your Distress? + +_Chat._ From the oddest Accident in the World, Mr. Heartly. You must +know, Mr. Canker, that I am a vast Admirer of the Belles Lettres as my +Lady calls 'em, and never miss the first Night of a new thing--I am as +fond of a new thing as my Lady is and I assure you she often takes my +Judgment upon any new Play or Opera, and the Actors and Actresses. For +you must know, Mr. Canker, I am thought a very tolerable Judge. + +_Cank._ Well, but how did the Play succeed? + +_Chat._ O immensely. + +_Cank._ Was it hissed? + +_Chat._ Not once. + +_Heart._ Was it applauded? + +_Chat._ To an immensity. + +_Cank._ Psha! impossible! She knows nothing of the Matter. + +_Chat._ No to be sure, Mr. Canker, I know nothing of the Matter +because I did not like your Play; but I would have you to know, Sir, +that my Lady and I know a good Play when we see or read it as well as +you for all your Aristotle and your Cook upon Littleton, and all your +great Criticks. (_Exit_) + +_Cank._ Psha! an ignorant Creature, Mr. Heartly, your Servant; I'll go +and see for the Ladies. + +_Heart._ So you have nettled him, Mrs. Chatter. + +_Chat._ O hang him, he can't abide me upon your Account and Miss +Harriet's; a conceited envious Wretch; he will allow nobody to have +Judgment but himself. + +_Heart._ But pray what was your Distress, Mrs. Chatter? + +_Chat._ Why as soon as I had dropped my Lady, away went I to the Play, +and so, Sir, I mobbed it into the Pit--for you must know I admire the +Humour of the Savages in the Pit upon these Occasions of all things; +so, so, Sir, as I was saying my Lady Ramble's Woman who is the most +ignorant Animal in the Creation of the Belles Lettres [and] knows no +more of them than a Welch Attorney, well she and I and my Lord Pride's +Gentleman went together and we had immense fun, ha, ha, ha; we made +the Musick play twenty comical Tunes, and a hundred things besides. I +saw all our Ladies in the side Box and we pantomimed all Night long at +one another, and were immensely merry, and liked the Play vastly well. +There was an infinite [ly] pretty Dance at the End of it--and the +sweetest Epilogue--We encored the Dance--but they begged they might +speak the Epilogue first, so then we clapt immensely, ha, ha. + +_Heart._ But I thought, Mrs. Chatter, you were going to give me an +Account of your Distress. + +_Chat._ I was so, but I protest I quite forgot it--hark! is not that +our Coach stopped! Yes 'tis they--then--I beg pardon, Mr. Heartly, but +I can't possibly stay to tell you the Story now, for I must run to my +Lady. (_Exit_) + + (_Enter_ HARRIET) + +_Har._ O Mr. Candid, your Servant; you're a gallant Gentleman not to +come to us. O you Clown! You have lost such a Night, such Diversion---- + +_Heart._ I am glad you were so well entertained, Madam, but you know +it was impossible for me to have the Pleasure of waiting upon you, as +I was obliged to attend my Uncle. Besides, Madam, I had your leave to +be absent. I am glad to hear the Play had such Success; pray how does +my Lady like it? + +_Har._ O immoderately! + +_Heart._ How happened that? She went prejudiced against it, I am sure. + +_Har._ O Canker did insinuate a most villainous character of it to us +all, that's the truth on't; but _Sir Charles Stanza who is a great +Friend of the Author's_ came into our Box and sat there all Night with +us; and what with his Encomiums and the Merit of the Piece, we are all +become most Violent Converts; and now my Lady like a true Proselyte is +for persecuting everybody with the Brand of Idiotism who is out of the +Pale of her Ladyship's Judgment. + +_Heart._ A true mark of Biggotry and Ignorance. + +_Har._ You know she is as fond of a New Wit, as a City Esquire who is +setting up to be one himself; so she begged Sir Charles would +introduce her to the Author, and he was so very obliging as to promise +to bring him here to sup this very Night. + +_Heart._ That was a high Compliment indeed to a Lady of her Fondness +for Authors. + +_Har._ O it has won her Heart; she's distracted with it. + +_Heart._ But dear Harriet, now to our Affairs. You see there is no +getting the better of this Fellow Canker; he has got the entire +Possession of your Aunt, and she is resolved by Marriage Contract to +give you to him this very Night. What's to be done? + +_Har._ What's to be done? Why twenty things; I'll have the Vapours, +Hystericks, Cholick and Madness rather than consent, and at last if my +Aunt does persist, as I am afraid she will, why, like Jacyntha in the +new Play, it is but providing a Ladder of Ropes and a pair of +Breeches, and then the Business is done. + +_Heart._ Dear Girl, you have eased my anxious Heart; thus let me pay +my soft Acknowledgment. + +_Har._ Thus let me pay my soft Acknowledgment. Ha, ha, ha! (_Mimicking +him_) Upon my Word and Honour you make as ridiculous a Figure as a +whining Lover in a Farce. Prithee let us have done with this +theatrical Cant. + +_Heart._ No, Harriet, I can never have done Loving you. + +_Har._ Why I don't desire you to have done loving me; I only bid you +have done telling me so--if you would please me, love me more and tell +me less. + +_Heart._ Dear kind Creature! (_Kissing her Hand_) Pray what's become +of my Lady? + +_Har._ Apropos, do you know that the Irish Beau that we laughed at so +immoderately the other Night at the Opera, came into our Box and set +there all the Play? + +_Heart._ Who, Sir Patrick Bashfull? + +_Har._ The same. The Rogue has plagued me to Death with his +Civilities, his Compliments and his Blunders; he is the most fulsome +Fellow sure that ever pretended to Politeness. + +_Heart._ Yes but the best Jest is that the Rogue is ashamed of his +Country and says he was born in France. + +_Har._ Well after sighing and making doux yeux at me all play time, he +would hand me to the Coach; but the Fellow squeezed me so as we went +along, that I was obliged to cry out and pull my hand away; when we +were in the Coach, I thought we had got rid of him, but the Instant +the Footman knocked at our Door, to our great Surprize who should we +find at the Coach side ready to hand us out but our Irish Gallant. We +could not avoid asking him in; he made a Million of Apologies for his +Assurance, but his chief one was that he observed two suspicious +Fellows dogging the Coach, so he followed us home to prevent our being +insulted. + +_Heart._ Ha, ha, ha, I think it was a good Irish Excuse; and pray +where is he now? + +_Har._ I left him below with my Lady overwhelming her with +Civilities--See here they both come. + + (_Enter Lady_ CRITICK _and Sir_ PATRICK BASHFULL) + +_Lady._ Sir Patrick, we are immensely obliged to you for the Trouble +you have taken, and be assured, Sir, we shall languish to perpetuity +'till time shall produce a favourable opportunity of my making a +suitable Return. + +_Sir Pat._ O dear Madam, every Man of Gallantry must esteem the bare +Serving of your Ladyship an unmentionable Honour, which ought to be +held in the highest Estimation; and I protest to you, if this Accident +happens to be productive of a Friendly Intimation betwixt a Personage +of your Ladyship's Wit and Politeness and your humble Slave, I shall +from thence date the Era of my past and future happiness tho' I was to +live an Age of Misery afterwards. + +_Heart._ O the blundering fulsome Rogue! (_Aside to Harriet_) + +_Lady._ Really I am at a Loss how to return this great Civility. + +_Sir Pat._ O Lord, Madam, not in the least--You are only pleased to +compliment. (_They compliment in dumbshew apart_) + +_Har._ See, see, Sir Patrick and my Lady what pains they take to shew +their Politeness. + +_Lady._ And I shall be proud of the Honour of a Visit whenever it +suits the Inclination and Conveniency of Sir Patrick Bashfull. + +_Sir Pat._ Madam, je suis votre tres humble. + +_Lady._ O dear Sir Patrick, you are infinitely polite. (_Turning about +to Heartly and Harriet_) O Mr. Heartly, I am sorry you did not come to +us; I pity you, you have lost such a Night. + +_Heart._ I am glad to hear your Ladyship was so agreeably entertained. + +_Lady._ Immensely! _It is the highest Entertainment the Age has +produced._ + +_Sir Pat._ By my Integrity, Madam, I have the Honour to be of your +Ladyship's Opinion. It is the prettiest Entertainment I have seen upon +the English Theatre, except Orpheus and Eurydice, where the Serpent +is--(_Going up to Heartly_) Sir, I have not the Pleasure of being +known to you--but I should be proud to have the Honour of an Intimacy +with a Gentleman of your polite Parts and Understanding. + +_Heart._ Sir, I am greatly obliged to you. + +_Sir Pat._ You must know, Sir, I am but just come into the Kingdom of +London, and as I am an entire Stranger here, I should be glad to be +acquainted with everybody in the Beau Monde, but with none so soon as +a Gentleman of Mr.--pray Sir, what's your Name? + +_Heart._ Sir, my Name is Heartly. + +_Sir Pat._ Sir, I am your most obedient humble Servant, and your +sincere Friend and Acquaintance likewise--tho' I have the Honour only +to be a Stranger to you as yet. + +_Heart._ Sir, your humble Servant. + +_Lady._ What a well bred Manner he has. + +_Sir Pat._ I hope, Sir, you will excuse my Modesty on this Occasion. + +_Heart._ O dear Sir, your Modesty I dare answer for it will never +stand in need of any Excuse. + +_Sir Pat._ O your very--Sir, I hope you will likewise pardon my +Neglect of not introducing myself sooner to your Acquaintance, but I +assure you, Sir, the Reason was because I never saw you before. + +_Heart._ Sir, your Reason is unanswerable; your Name I think is +Bashfull, Sir? + +_Sir Pat._ Sir Patrick Bashfull at your Service. + +_Heart._ Of the Bashfulls of Ireland I presume, Sir? + +_Sir Pat._ No Sir, I am originally descended from the Fitz-Bashfulls +of France--tho' indeed our Family was of Irish Distraction first of +all. + +_Heart._ Your Title is of Ireland I suppose, Sir? + +_Sir Pat._ And most Courts of Europe, Sir; I have an intimate Interest +with them all, and should be proud to do you any Service with any of +them from the Court of Versailles down to the distressed State of +Genoa. + +_Heart._ Sir, you are infinitely obliging. + +_Lady._ Well but, Mr. Heartly, you will go with us tomorrow Night? + +_Heart._ By all means, Madam. + +_Lady._ I have taken a Box for twenty Night; don't you think it will +run so long, Sir Patrick? + +_Sir Pat._ Indeed I believe it will, my Lady, and twenty days too--for +it is a charming thing. Pray Madam, is it not one of Shakespear's? + +_Lady._ O Lud no, Sir--it is entirely new, never was acted before. + +_Sir Pat._ _I protest, Madam, it is so very fine I took it for one of +Shakespear's--for you must know, Madam, that I am a great Admirer of +Shakespear and Milton's Comedies--they are very diverting. O they have +fine long Soliloquies in them--to be or not to be, that's the +Dispute--Don't you think, Madam, that's a charming fine Play--that +Hamlet Prince of Dunkirk, and Othello Moor of Venus they say is a very +deep Comedy, but I never saw it acted._ + +_Lady._ To be sure Shakespear was a very tolerable Author for the +time, Sir Patrick, he writ in, but--a--he was excessively incorrect. +Don't you think he was, Mr. Heartly? + +_Heart._ Extremely so, my Lady. + +_Lady._ Well this Comedy is quite Aristotelian, with an infinity of +Plot--quite tip top--You will like it immensely; it is quite a high +thing. + +_Heart._ To be sure nobody has a more elegant Taste of Works of Genius +than your Ladyship, particularly of the Drama. + +_Lady._ Why really, Mr. Heartly, I think I have some tolerable Ideas +of the finer Arts. Mr. Canker, who is allowed to have more critical +Learning than any man since Zoilus, says I have an Exquisite Taste of +Dramatick Rules--I have given him several hints in his Plays--and have +sometimes writ an Entire Scene for him. + +_Heart._ To be sure, Madam, your Knowledge is indisputable--but I am +afraid Mr. Canker will call your Judgment in question about this New +Play, for he rails at it excessively. + +_Lady._ He did abuse it to an infinite Degree before it came out; but +he will soon be convinced when he hears my Judgment of it, and to tell +you a Secret, Mr. Heartly, I am a little picqued at him for speaking +so ill of it--for I have a great Regard for the Author. Sir Charles +Stanza is to bring him to sup tonight, and we are to be immensely +intimate, and there is nothing I like so much as an Acquaintance with +a new Author. + + (_Enter_ FOOTMAN) + +_Foot._ Mr. Advocate the Lawyer is come to wait on your Ladyship. + +_Lady._ O he has brought the Marriage Articles; Harriet, I hope all +your Objections to Mr. Canker are removed, for this Night he is to +declare his Passion either for you or your Sister, and if you should +be his Choice, I desire as you have any regard for me that you will +receive him with Respect and Esteem. He has an immense deal of Wit, +and a most refined Understanding; as you are at my disposal, I expect +an implicit Acceptance of the Person I shall recommend. + +_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour, my Lady, tho' I know nothing at all of the +Matter, I think you talk very reasonably. Shall I have the Honour of +your Ladyship's Hand? (_Exit Sir Patrick and Lady Critick_) + +_Har._ Well Sir, Matters are brought to a Crisis. + +_Heart._ They are so, and I see no Remedy but the old one. + +_Har._ Pray Sir, what is that? + +_Heart._ What you resolved on just now--Jacyntha's---- + +_Har._ What, running away? No, no, Sir, I don't think that quite so +necessary to our Plot as it was to theirs; it will be time enough to +put that Scheme in Execution when every thing else fails. + +_Heart._ But dear Harriet, what's to be done? You see that Canker +pretends a Passion for you, and your Aunt is fully determined on the +Match--I will openly avow my Love---- + +_Har._ Not for your Life. That would infallibly ruin us. Let my Lady +and Canker still imagine you are fond of my Sister. You and she have +dissembled it so well hitherto, that they are convinced of it; let +them continue in their Error, for if Canker gets the least Suspicion +of your Tendre for me, so inveterate is his Envy, that he would though +he loved another, infallibly make me his Choice. + +_Heart._ I am convinced. + +_Har._ The Wretch loves me, his Behaviour at least makes me think so; +if he does, I will probe his Heart and raise such a Conflict in it +between Love and Envy as shall soon decide which is his most +predominant Passion. See here [he] comes; be gone. [_Exit Heartly_] He +must not see us together. + + (_Enter_ CANKER) + +_Har._ O Mr. Canker, your Servant; we are infinitely obliged to you +for your Company at the New Play. + +_Cank._ Madam, I beg a Million of Pardons for disappointing you. I had +an intolerable Head Ache which rendered me incapable of the Happiness +of waiting on you. + +_Har._ Nay that won't pass for an Excuse; being there would have cured +your Head Ache; the clapping and laughing would have diverted and +drove it away. + +_Cank._ Yes into my Heart. (_Aside_) Madam, I have often tried and +found that kind of Noise increased my Disorder. + +_Har._ I fancy, Mr. Canker, because you are sure of my Aunt's Consent +that you begin to exert the Husband already and are ashamed to be seen +with me in Publick. + +_Cank._ Madam, you wrong me; the Husband shall be lost in the Lover. +My Heart knows no Sensation but from your heavenly Image. + +_Har._ O dear Mr. Canker, you had better keep this Poetic Nonsense +'till you write a Tragedy--It may pass then--But in such a Scene as +ours your Brother Criticks will certainly laugh at it; besides, you +have said all these fine things to me a thousand times; it is now time +to drop them, and instead of Fustian speak plain Common Sense. My Aunt +has promised and vowed in my Name, and this Night by Contract resolved +to make up a Conjugal Match between you and I, but before we play for +so large a Stake as Matrimony, is it not proper to have a good Opinion +and a thorough Knowledge of the Skill and Integrity of our Partners +that we are to play with? + +_Cank._ Sure Madam, you cannot doubt the sincerity of my Heart? + +_Har._ Um--why you Men are a kind of Sharpers in Love; you lose +trifles to us in Courtship in order to make us the greater Bubbles in +Marriage; therefore, like fair Gamesters, let us play upon the Square +by letting each other know what they have to trust to. + +_Cank._ Madam, my Heart is open to your Dictates; write your own Laws +in it. + +_Har._ If you will let me write them in my Marriage Articles, Sir, I +shall think my Obligation to you much greater. + +_Cank._ With all my Heart, Madam. Name your own Conditions; I will +subscribe to them. + +_Har._ Generous indeed, Mr. Canker; know then that I shall insist upon +an entire Change not only in your Conduct but even in your way of +thinking which will make you more agreeable to yourself and less +hateful to everybody else. + +_Cank._ Madam! + +_Har._ It is a general Observation behind your back, however +complaisant People may be to your Face, that Envy is your predominant +Passion and directs in all you say or do. "As ill natured and as +Envious as Canker" is a common Simile among your Friends; and may in +time grow into a Proverb, Sir, unless you change your Conduct. + +_Cank._ Madam, when the Ignorant presume to judge of the finer Arts---- + +_Har._ Sir, your Satire is ill Nature--and your Judgment Envy. +Therefore if you have any hopes of me, you must reverse your Temper +and come into the following Treaty: In the first place instead of +making it the Business of your Life to wound the Reputation of your +Scribblers on all Occasions and explode their Plays, you must +endeavour to support them; what if you think their Productions bad, +good or bad, you must approve.--Item, I insist that you look upon me +as your Minerva, and that for the future you never presume to +Scribble, Applaud, or Condemn without first consulting me. + +_Cank._ Madam, I have a better Opinion of your Understanding than to +think you mean all this seriously. + +_Har._ Upon my Honour, then you are mistaken; I shall not marry any +Man who dares refuse to comply with these Articles--So, Sir, if you +think well of them, I desire you will give me an Instance of your +Obedience and Sincerity by going with me to the new Comedy tomorrow +Night, and publickly expressing the highest Applause at it. + +_Cank._ Madam, you may with as much Justice ask me to reverse my +Affections, to love what I loath, and detest what I admire. No Madam, +Posterity shall never say such a wretched Performance as the +Suspicious Husband had the _sanction of Francis Canker_. + +_Har._ Then, Sir, your humble Servant--I am glad I know your Mind. Our +Treaty ends here. (_Going, he holds her_) + +_Cank._ Dear Harriet, stay! Why will you urge me to a Behaviour so +contrary to my Nature? Consider, Madam, how ridiculous it will make me +appear to the World. Why People will think me mad. + +_Har._ You are mistaken, Sir; they will only think that your good +Nature has at last got the better of your Envy. + +_Cank._ Well but Madam---- + +_Har._ Well but Sir, I insist that you clap and laugh, nay and that +you cry too. + +_Cank._ Cry, Madam? + +_Har._ Ay, cry, Sir--as soon as you see Mr. Strictland acknowledge his +Error and sue to be reconciled to his Wife; if you have one humane +particle in your Composition, I insist upon your Sympathizing with his +conscious Heart by dropping a manly Tear along with him. + +_Cank._ Madam, I can't come into all you command but what I can I +will. When other People laugh, I'll cry, and when they cry, I'll +laugh. Will that content you? + +_Har._ O mighty well, Sir! Mighty well! I see you turn my Proposals +into ridicule. (_Exit Harriet_) + +_Cank._ What shall I do? Was ever Man laid under such a Restraint by a +_trifling_ Woman! The Bawble and Gewgaw of the Creation! Made for +Man's Conveniency, his Slave not his Tyrant! To part with my right of +Censuring, my Judgment, my Understanding! S'Death, I would as soon +part with my---- + + (_Enter a_ SERVANT) + +_Serv._ Zir, here's Master Grubwit come to zeek you. + +_Cank._ Desire him to walk in. + + (_Enter_ GRUBWIT) + +_Cank._ Dear Grubwit, how came you to stay so long? You need not tell +me of the Success! I have been sufficiently mortified with it already! +Where is Plagiary? + +_Grub._ Talking with my Lady Critick and the rest of the Company. + +_Cank._ Did you call in at the Coffee House? + +_Grub._ Yes, or we should have been with you sooner. + +_Cank._ Well, and what's the Opinion there? + +_Grub._ Um--why faith, I am sorry to say it--but it is--generally +liked; there is Trifle and a few more of his Size of Understanding in +Rapture about it; he avers Antiquity never produced so correct nor so +entertaining a Piece, and in his extravagant Manner, returns Jupiter +thanks for his having lived in a time when such a Comedy was written. + +_Cank._ Blockheads! Fools! Idiots! what signifies Taste or Learning if +such Wretches are suffered to have Sway in the Commonwealth of Letters! + + (_Enter_ PLAGIARY) + +_Plag._ A blundering Blockhead! He pretend to give his Judgment upon +Writing! + +_Cank._ What's the matter, Plagiary? + +_Plag._ Why there's that staring Irish Baronet blundering out such +fulsome Praise upon the New Play as is enough to make a sensible Man +sick--I did but offer an Objection or two and my Lady Critick and the +whole Knot opened upon me like a Pack of Hounds--I was forced to quit +the Room. + +_Cank._ I am amazed at my Lady Critick's liking it but I will soon +convince her of her Error. But dear Plagiary, was there no +Opportunity, nor no Attempt to hinder its Success? + +_Plag._ _Not after it begun; before indeed, there was as promising a +Spirit in the Pit as ever made an Author's Heart ache. They whistled, +hollowed and catcalled and interrupted the Prologue for above ten +Minutes._ + +_Cank._ Ay! That looked charming! + +_Plag._ O delightful!--I would not have given Sixpence to have secured +its Destruction--everybody around me concluded it a gone Play. + +_Grub._ And so the[y] did about me I assure you. + +_Plag._ If they had been possessed with the Spirit of Zoilus, they +could not have behaved better before the Prologue was spoke; but the +Instant the Curtain was drawn up, their Clamour changed to a fixed +Attention, and their Prejudice to burst of Applause which made the +Ring. + +_Cank._ What, no hissing at all? + +_Plag._ No, Sir! + +_Cank._ Nor Catcalling? + +_Plag._ None. + +_Cank._ Nor groaning? + +_Plag._ Not one, Sir. + +_Cank._ Well if such Plays go down---- + +_Plag._ I pulled out my Handkerchief and blowed--and coughed--and +hawked--and spit, a hundred times I believe, (_Makes a noise by +blowing in his Handkerchief_) but was constantly interrupted with +"Silence--pray, Sir, be silent--let us hear." + +_Grub._ I heard you from the other side of the Pit and did the same +but was interrupted too by the Fools about me. + +_Cank._ To see the partiality of Audiences--Idiots--damn 'em, they +never would attend to a Play of mine. + +_Grub._ Nor mine. + +_Plag._ No nor mine. + +_Cank._ They always begun with me in the first Act by calling for the +Epilogue. Dear Plagiary, do you think this thing will run? + +_Plag._ I am afraid so. + +_Cank._ _Why then your Tragedy cannot come out this year_---- + +_Plag._ No Sir, nor your Comedy. + +_Grub._ Nor my Mask. + +_Cank._ Isn't it monstrous that the Publick must be deprived of such +an excellent performance as your Mask is, which is preferable to +anything Milton ever wrote for such a wretched _flimsy piece of +Stuff_? + +_Grub._ Upon my word, Sir, I think the Publick is much worse used in +respect of your Comedy, which has the Art and Character of Johnson, +the Ease and Elegance of Etheridge, the Wit of Congreve, and the happy +ridiculum of Moliere; and is indisputably the best that has been +written in our Language. + +_Plag._ Was there ever such Injustice shewn in a Theatre as the +setting aside my Tragedy _which has the Approbation of all the Judges +in England_? + +_Cank._ It is severe Treatment no Doubt on't for your Piece stands in +the first Class of Tragedy; it is written according to the strictest +French Rules, and for the true Sublime as far beyond Shakespear as +Banks is beneath him. But what signifies the Excellence of a Piece? +Neither your Tragedy, my Comedy, nor your Mask can come on. The Stage +is quite monopolized for this Year if this Thing, I can't call it a +Play, is suffered to run. + +_Plag._ Ay, and what is worse, if some means is not found out to check +it, ten to one but we shall be plagued with another next year. + +_Grub._ Well, what's to be done? + +_Cank._ Why Gentlemen, it is a Common Cause, and requires an active +Opposition. We must try fairly to hunt it down by Journals, Epigrams +and Pamphlets;--you must attack the Characters,--you the Sentiments +and Dialogue, while I expose the Moral and the Fable. + +_Plag._ With all my Heart. + +_Grub._ Agreed. And now let us join the Company and try if we can't +bring them over to our Party; for tho' the most of them are Idiots, +yet they will serve to fill up the Cry, which you know is the present +Test of Right and Wrong. (_Exit_) + +_Plag._ Pray did you ever read his Mask? + +_Cank._ I attempted to read it several times but could never get +through it. + +_Plag._ It is the vilest Thing sure that ever dullness produced. +And yet the Fools are as fond of it as if Apollo and the Nine +had approved it. Amazing that Men can be so blind to their own +Foibles. (_Exit_) + +_Cank._ I am sure if you were not as great a Stranger to your own +Dullness as you are to Apollo and the Nine, as you quaintly call +them, you would never think of writing a Tragedy. But most Writers +are such vain, envious Coxcombs, and busy themselves so continually +in the pleasing Search of other People's Faults, that they never +have time to look into their own. For this Blockhead now, who has +no more Imagination than a Dutch Burgomaster, because he can common +place Corneille and Racine, sets up for the Euripides of the Age, +and has the Vanity to prefer his sleepy, lumpish Tragedy to my Comedy +which has that Viscomica, that fine Ridiculum of Human Nature which +Caesar so lauded in the Greek and so regretted the Want of in the +Roman Poet. (_Exit_) + + (_Enter_ HARRIET _and_ HEARTLY) + +_Har._ O I have teazed the Wretch 'till his Envy shook him like the +Ague fit. + +_Heart._ And I have praised the Play and flattered my Lady's Judgment +to such a Degree of Pride and Obstinancy as will never bear +Contradiction again. No successful Poet after his Ninth Night was ever +so brimfull of Vanity as I have made her Ladyship. She run[s] over +with folly. + +_Har._ Let me tell you, Sir, Trifle makes a pretty ridiculous Figure +upon this Occasion. + +_Heart._ And indeed upon any Occasion; he never departs from his +Character. I left him, and that other Coxcomb Nibble, in the most +ridiculous dispute about the Rules of Criticism, and what was high, +and what was low Comedy, and what was Farce, that ever was heard. Sir +Patrick, he got into the Squabble with them, and did so contradict +himself and them, and did so flounder and blunder that they had all +gone to Loggerheads if my Lady hadn't stepped in and pre-emptorily +decided the point. + +_Har._ O delightful! I should have liked that of all things. See here +the Knight comes; let us play him off a little. + +_Heart._ With all my Heart. + + (_Enter Sir_ PATRICK) + +_Heart._ Sir Patrick, your humble Servant, have you settled the +Argument between Nibble and Trifle at last? + +_Sir Pat._ Yes, yes, I settled it as dead as a Door Nail betwixt them. + +_Heart._ Which way, Sir? + +_Sir Pat._ Why I told them they were both wrong and knew nothing at +all of the Matter, but they did not believe me so they went to it +again, and there I left them.--(_Seeing Harriet, addresses her_) +Madam, I am your most obedient Slave and humble Servant! 'Till death +do us part. + +_Har._ O Sir Patrick, you are superlatively obliging. (_Curtzying very +low_) I am afraid, Sir Patrick, that is more than my short +Acquaintance with you can merit. + +_Sir Pat._ O Madam, you merit more than human Nature can bestow upon +you. You are all perfection, beautiful as Venus, and as wise as +Medusa. + +_Both._ Ha, ha, ha. + +_Heart._ Medusa! Ha, ha, ha, Minerva I believe you mean. + +_Sir Pat._ Faith I believe so too; but one may easily mistake; you +know they are so very much alike, especially as they are both Heathen +Gods too. + +_Both._ Ha, ha, ha. + +_Heart._ Very true, Sir. + +_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour, Madam, I have travelled over several of the +Terrestial Globes both by Land and Sea and I never saw so fair a +Creature as your Ladyship, but one, and she was an Indian Queen and +black as a Raven. + +_Har._ Pray Sir, in all your Travels were you never in Ireland? + +_Sir Pat._ I was in Paris, Madam; I lived there all my Life. Parlez +vous Francois? + +_Har._ Sir, I don't understand your speaking French very well. + +_Sir Pat._ Oui, Madamoiselle, je le parle Francois, but I cannot speak +a word of Irish tho' I was often taken for an Irish Gentleman when I +was abroad--because you must know I used to converse very much with +them. + +_Har._ And pray, Sir, in all your Travels through the Terrestial +Globes by Land and Sea, are you sure you never were in Ireland? + +_Sir Pat._ No, Madam, I can't say positively--Stay--let me remember if +I can--Ireland--Ireland--tho' to tell you the Truth, Madam, _I have a +very bad Memorandum_. + +_Both._ Ha, ha, ha. + +_Sir Pat._ Faith, Madam, I can't find by my Brain that ever I was so +happy as to visit that Kingdom. + +_Har._ I wonder at that, Sir, for all Gentlemen of Taste visit Ireland +in their Travels. It's famous for not having venemous Creatures in it, +I think. + +_Sir Pat._ Not one, Madam, from the beginning of the World to the +Creation. For I remember there was a Toad brought over there once, and +as soon as ever he died. Madam, upon my Honour, they could not bring +it to Life again. + +_Har._ No! That was very surprizing, ha, ha. + +_Sir Pat._ Upon my Word and Honour, Madam, 'tis as true as the Alcorn, +for I stood there with these two Eyes and saw it. + +_Har._ Then I find you have been in Ireland, Sir? + +_Sir Pat._ In Ireland, Madam. (_Aside_--What the Devil have I said. +Now I am afraid I have committed a Blunder here.) Yes, Madam, now I +remember I was there once about two or three Months ago--I went over +with a Lady for my Diversion--She went there to travel so I went to +shew her the Country because we were both Strangers in it. But really, +Madam, it was so long ago that I quite forgot it, and as I told you +before, Madam, I have a very treacherous Heart at remembering Things +when once I forgot them. + +_Har._ You are to be excused, Sir, for to be sure a Gentleman that has +travelled so much as you have done must have a very treacherous Heart +at remembering things. For it is common Observation that Travellers +always have bad Memories. + +_Sir Pat._ O the worst in the World, Madam, for they go into so many +Inns and Taverns upon the Road, and into so many Towns and Villages +and Steeples and Churches, that it is impossible to Memorandum all the +Kingdoms a Man travels through. + +_Heart._ Ha, ha, ha. Pray Sir, in your Travels in Ireland, if your +heart will let you recollect it, what sort of usage did you meet with? + +_Sir Pat._ O the best behaved usage that ever I met with in all the +born days of my Life, Sir--I'll tell you what, Madam, now if you were +a strange Gentleman and travelling there and happened to come within a +Mile of a Gentleman's House when you were benighted so that you could +not find your way to it, upon my Honour you might lie there all Night +and not cost you a halfpenny, tho' you had never a farthing of Money +in your Pocket. + +_Both._ Ha, ha, ha. + +_Heart._ That is very hospitable, I must confess, to let one lie +within a Mile of their House. + +_Sir Pat._ Lord, Madam, there are not so hospitable and good natured +People in the World. + +_Heart._ I think, Sir, the Irish are reckoned very great Scholars. + +_Sir Pat._ O dear, Madam, yes indeed, very great Scholars. They play +Back Gammon the best of any Men in the World, _better than all the +Bishops in England_. + +_Har._ Then you have several good Poets in Ireland. + +_Sir Pat._ Yes to be sure, Sir, there is hardly a Gentleman there but +knows every one of the Ninety Nine Muses, and can speak all the +Mechanical Sciences by Heart, and most of the liberal Languages except +Irish and Welch. + +_Har._ And how happens it that they don't speak their own Language? + +_Sir Pat._ Because, Madam, they are ashamed of it; it has such a +rumbling Sound with it. Now when I was upon my Travels I liked the +Language so well that I learned it. Madam, if it won't be over and +above encumbersome to your sweet Ladyship, I will sing you an Irish +Song I learnt there--it was made upon a beautiful young Creature that +I was in Love wi[th] there, one Mrs. Gilgifferaghing. + +_Har._ Not at all encumbersome; I dare swear it will be very +entertaining. + +_Sir Pat._ Hem, hem, hem. (_Sings an Irish Song_) + +_Har._ I protest, Sir, you have a great deal of very diverting Humour; +and upon my Word you sing extremely well. For my part, I think Irish +singing is as diverting as Italian. + +_Sir Pat._ O Madam, that is more my Deserts than your Goodness to say +so. + +_Both._ Ha, ha, ha. + +_Har._ I am surprized the Directors of the Opera do not send over to +Ireland for a Set of Irish Singers. + +_Sir Pat._ O no, Madam, it would never do; the Irishmen would never +make good Singers. + +_Har._ Why so, Sir? + +_Sir Pat._ Lord, Madam, as soon as ever they would come to England, +the English Ladies would be so very fond of them that it would spoil +their Voices--besides, Madam, they are not so well qualified for it as +the Italians. + +_Har._ We are generally speaking very fond of the Irish Gentlemen to +be sure, but there is no avoiding it,--they have so much Wit and +Assurance and are such agreeable handsome Fellows. + +_Sir Pat._ O Lord, Madam, we Gentlemen of Ireland look upon ourselves +to be the handsomest men in England. + +_Heart._ Then you are an Irish Man, Sir? + +_Sir Pat._ An Irish Man,--poh, what the Devil shall I say now? +(_Aside_) No my Life, I am no Irishman at all, not I upon my +Honour--but my Mother was one--and so I call that my Country sometimes +out of a Joke--that's all--I an Irishman--no, no--no, I'faith you may +know by my Tongue that I am no Irishman. + +_Har._ O then it is your Mother that was an Irishman? + +_Sir Pat._ Yes, Madam, she was born and bred in Ireland all the Days +of her Life, but she was educated in England. + +_Heart._ Ha, ha, ha, this is more than one in Reason could have +expected. This Fellow is more diverting and more blundering than his +Countryman in the Committee. [_Aside_] + +_Har._ See, here come Mr. Nibble and Mr. Trifle in warm debate; +prithee let us leave them to themselves and go see how my Lady and +Canker have agreed in their Judgments about this New Play. + +_Sir Pat._ With all my Heart, Madam; for really I am tired with these +two Gentlemen before they come near us, they are so very +silly--(_Pushing between Harriet and Heartly_) I beg Pardon, Mr. +Heartly, but I must do the Lady the Honour to give her the Acceptation +of my Hand. I hope you will excuse my bashfullness, Madam, that I did +not do it sooner. + +_Har._ Sir Patrick, you are the most courteous well bred Knight that +ever broke Spear in a Lady's Defence. + +_Sir Pat._ Faith I am of your Opinion in that, Madam, for I think I am +a clever loose Fellow. (_Exeunt_) + + (_Enter_ NIBBLE _and_ TRIFLE) + +_Trif._ Dear Nibble, don't let you and I quarrel which we certainly +must if you persist in crying down so admired a Piece. For Dullness +seize me if I don't defend it to the last Extremity of critical +Obstinancy. + +_Nib._ Dear Tim: don't call it critical, but fashionable Obstinancy, +for you know very well that Judgment and you are old Antagonists. + +_Trif._ Ha, ha, ha, give me your Hand for that, Nibble; faith that was +not said amiss--But as I have some regard for you, don't persist in +shewing your weakness lest you oblige me to draw my parts upon you, +and if I do, expect no Quarter; by all that's witty, I'll pink the +Midriff of your Ignorance as a friendly cure to your sickly +Understanding. + +_Nib._ Tim Trifle, I defy your Parts; they are as blunt and as dull as +a Welch Pedant's. I do and shall persist in, asserting to the last +Extremity of my critical Judgment that the Piece has glaring +Faults--monstrous. + +_Trif._ What Faults? What Faults? Prithee name one! + +_Nib._ Why in the first place I insist upon it, and I will prove it up +to mathematical Demonstration, that the Title of it is quite expotic. + +_Trif._ Expotic? + +_Nib._ Ay, immensely expotic! so expotic that the Play ought to have +been hissed for it. The Suspicious Husband! Is not that an egregious +Error? I am sure every Person who has the least Taste of the Drama +must allow it to be an unpardonable Fault--quite a +Misnomer--absolutely expotic. + +_Trif._ Now by Aristotle's Beard, I think there could not have been so +happy a Title found out of the Alphabet. + +_Nib._ Nay prithee now, Tim[7] Trifle, what do you understand by the +word Suspicion? + +_Trif._ Dear Nick, every Mortal knows what Suspicion means; Suspicion +comes from Suspicio, that is when any Person suspects another. + +_Nib._ Well I won't dispute your Definition but upon my Honour I think +it should have been the Jealous Husband. + +_Trif._ He, he, lud, Nibble, that would have been the most absurd +Title in the Creation. Well Nick, have you anything else in the Play +to find fault with? + +_Nib._ Yes, I think Ranger's Dress is another egregious Fault in it. + +_Trif._ His Dress a Fault in the Play? + +_Nib._ Ay, and intolerable one. + +_Trif._ Nay don't say that, Nick--because if you do I must laugh at +you. Why all the World admires his Dress. _That is thought one of the +best things in the Play._ + +_Nib._ Well now I will mention a Criticism which I defy the warmest of +Words to defend. + +_Trif._ Well, prithee what's that, Nibble? + +_Nib._ Why you know Ranger's hat is laced; that I think you must +allow; that is obvious to everybody. + +_Trif._ Well, well, granted, my dear Nibble, it is laced. + +_Nib._ Why then I aver by all the Rules of Criticism to make the +improbability out of imposing upon Mr. Strickland, that Jacyntha's Hat +ought to be laced too, and by all that is absurd it is a plain one. + +_Trif._ Well come, there is something in that; that is a Fault I must +confess, that is a Fault by gad. + +_Nib._ O an unpardonable one; I assure you Jack Wagwit and a parcel of +us was going to hiss the whole Scene upon that Account. + +_Trif._ No, no, that would have been cruel; you know Homer himself +sometimes nodded. Don't take any Notice of it to anybody, and it shall +be altered tomorrow Night. I'll speak to the Author about it--O here's +my Lady and Mr. Canker--now for a thorough Criticism upon it. + + (_Enter Lady_ CRITICK, CANKER, HEARTLY, HARRIET _and + Sir_ PATRICK) + +_Lady._ Well, I protest Mr. Canker, I am surprized at your Judgment. +You will certainly be laughed at by all the Polite part of the World. + +_Cank._ Madam, I hold the Vulgar in as much Contempt as I do the +Rabble in the Shilling Gallery; both Herds are ignorant, and praise +and condemn, or censure or applau[d], not from a Judgment in the Art, +which should be the Director, but from the ignorant Dictates of +Nature: mere Affection, like Moliere's old Woman. + +_Heart._ Well, for my Part, I shall always prefer the irregular Genius +who from mere Affection compels me to laugh or cry, to the regular +Blockhead who makes me sleep according to Rule. + +_Cank._ Have a Care, Mr. Heartly, none but the Ignorant ever despised +Rules. + +_Heart._ Nor none but the ill natured or the envious ever judged by +the Extremity of Rules. And the laws of Criticism like the Penal Laws +should be explained in a favourable Sense lest the Critick like the +Judge should be suspected of Cruelty or Malice against the Criminal. + +_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour, Sir, I think you talk mighty reasonably. I +think there should be no Law [at] all, and then everybody might do +what they please. + +_Trif._ Right, right, Sir Patrick! Liberty and Property, I say--demme +I am not for Criticks--your Homers and your Virgils--and your Coke +upon Littleton, and a parcel of Fellows--who talk of Nothing but Gods +and Goddesses--and a Story of a Cock and a Bull--as hard to be +understood as a Welch Pedigree. + +_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour, so they are very hard! And that Milton's a +strange Fellow too--_he has got a devilish sight of Devils along with +him that nobody knows any thing of but himself_--the Devil a one of +'em all I know but one--and that was old Belzebub--you know we have +often heard of him, for he was Lucifer's Wife. + +_Trif._ For my Part I assure you I never could understand Milton. + +_Sir Pat._ Nor I, upon my Honour, Mr. Trifle--tho' I admire him +greatly, him and Shakespear are my Favourites, but I could never +understand them. + +_Trif._ O Shakespear--old Shakespear--O Shakespear is a clever Fellow, +ay, ay,--I admire Shakespear to the Skies--I understand him very well, +Sir Patrick. + +_Lady._ Mr. Canker, finding fault in general is unfair. + +_Cank._ Madam, if you will hear me, I will come to particulars and if +I don't convince you, and all the Company that it is void of Plot, +Character, Wit, Humour, Manners, and Moral, I will ever after submit +to be thought as ignorant as I now think those Criticks are who so +much admire it. + +_Nib._ As to his want of Manners, that I think is as obvious as +Mathematical Demonstration--was there ever anything so rude as to +bring the Character of our Friend Jack Maggot on the Stage, who is a +young Fellow of Family and Fortune, and as well known about Town as I +am, and is as good natured and as inoffensive a Creature as ever +travelled. I vow as soon as ever I saw him come upon the Stage, I was +shocked.--It was vastly unpolite to introduce a young Fellow of his +Figure in Life upon a publick Theatre--I suppose he will bring some of +our Characters on the Stage in his next Play--if he does I protest +I'll make a party to hiss it. + +_Lady._ You may be mistaken, Mr. Nibble, i[t] may be a general and not +a particular Character that is meant by Mr. Maggot. + +_Cank._ Madam, Mr. Nibble's Observation is just, and it is impossible +he can be mistaken. For my part, I know Jack Maggot as well as I do +myself, or as I do who is meant by Mr. Strictland. + +_Heart._ Mr. Canker, this is most invidious Criticism and what the +best Writers from Fools and Knaves are most liable to. But instead of +injuring, it serves an Author with the Judicious; for it only proves +the Copies to be so highly finished that Ignorance and Malice +compliment them as known Originals. + +_Lady._ I protest, Mr. Heartly, I think you quite right in your +Answer, and if Mr. Canker has nothing more Material to offer against +the Play, he will be very Singular in his Censure. + +_Cank._ Pray what does your Ladyship think of his Ladder of Ropes? + +_Lady._ Why lookee, Mr. Canker, he may have transgressed probability +by it, I grant you--but I will forgive an Author such Transgressions +at any time when it is productive of so much Mirth. + +_Heart._ Judiciously observed, my Lady. + +_Trif._ Well, by gad, I like the Ladder of Ropes of all things. + +_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour so do I. + +_Nib._ Well, I vow I think they are vastly absurd. Pray what do you +think, Miss Harriet? + +_Har._ I think it is a very simple and a very probable Machine, and +productive of many happy Incidents, every one of which naturall[y] +arise[s] out of each other, and have this peculiar Beauty, which other +Incidents upon the Stage have not, that each of them begins with a +Surprize that raises your Anxiety and ends with a turn the least +unexpected, which could you have foreseen, would have been what you +would have wished. + +_Lady._ Very nicely distinguished, Harriet; I protest that is the +greatest Encomium I have heard of the Play yet. + +_Heart._ And the justest, Madam. + +_Cank._ O intolerable! Monstrous! Shocking! Such Ignorance! (_Aside_) +Pray Madam, not to mention the improbability, where was the Necessity +for a Ladder of Ropes? + +_Sir Pat._ What Necessity? Arra why do you ask such a foolish +Question? I'll tell you what Necessity--Why it was put there for the +young Man, the Templer, to go up Stairs into the House. + +_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha, ha! + +_Heart._ Very well explained, Sir Patrick; it is a proper Answer. + +_Cank._ But pray, Ladies--I speak to you in particular, who best know +the Nature of the Question I am going to ask--how can you justify the +impoliteness of making Clarinda, a Lady of Fashion and Fortune, in +full dress trudge the streets at twelve o'Clock at Night in +Contradiction to all Reason, Probability, and Politeness? + +_Sir Pat._ Poo, poo! That's foolish now. Why what has a Stage Play to +do with Reason and Probability? If a Tragedy makes you laugh and a +Comedy makes you cry, as Mr. Heartly said just now, what would you +have more? + +_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha. + +_Sir Pat._ And as to the young Lady's going home a Foot, that is +easily answered. You are to suppose it was a rainy Night and that she +walked home to save Chair hire, because there was never a Coach to be +had. + +_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha. + +_Sir Pat._ I am sure it is very natural to walk. I have done so a +hundred times. + +_Omnes._ Ha, ha, ha. + +_Trif._ My dear Sir Patrick, give me your Hand! Thou art the top +Critick of the Age, let me perish. + +_Nib._ Ignorant Wretches! + +_Cank._ Was ever Man so tortured with such Fools! (_Aside_)--I hope, +Mr. Heartly, you will not offer to vindicate the Dialogue. There is +not one Attempt to Wit all through the Play, but that about the +Gravestone; the Characters all speak like People in common +Conversation. + +_Heart._ I thought that was a Beauty, Mr. Canker. + +_Cank._ Yes just as barrenness is in Land. Don't you see, Sir, what +Whicherly and Congreve have done in their Comedies? + +_Heart._ Yes Sir, and I know what their Masters, Terence, Plautus, +Moliere, and our own Johnson have done, who thought themselves most +excellent in their Dialogue when they could make their Characters +speak, not what was most witty, but what was most proper to Time, +Place, Character, and Circumstance. + +_Lady._ Upon my Word, Mr. Heartly, you are a very accurate Critick, +and I am entirely of your Judgment. + +_Cank._ Well, but allowing it all [it] deserves, why must it be +praised so very much? + +_Heart._ Because, Sir, Praise is the food, and too often the only +Reward of Merit; and none deny it but the ill natured and the envious. + +_Cank._ And none give it but the Ignorant or the Fulsome. + +_Heart._ Sir, that is not very Complaisant--pray Sir, who do you mean +by the Ignorant? + +_Trif._ Ay, Sir, who is't you mean? + +_Sir Pat._ Ay, Sir, who do you mean? I hope you don't mean me. + +_Cank._ You, and all of you who like this Piece--You are Men, Fops in +Understanding, catch your Judgments from each other as you do your +Dress, not because they are right, but that they are the Fashion, _and +you make as ridiculous a Figure in Criticism as an Ape in human +Cloathing_. + +_Lady._ Give me leave to tell you, Mr. Canker, that you want +Politeness. + +_Cank._ Madam, I am sorry your Ladyship obliges me to tell you that +you want Judgment. + +_Lady._ Not to see into you, Sir--Your Envy shall never be rude or +troublesome to any of my Family again, I assure you, Sir. + +_Cank._ Nor shall your Ignorance or your Niece's ever be troublesome +to me again; I would as soon Match into a Family of Hottentots. + +_Lady._ O mighty well, Sir!--Harriet, I desire you will never think of +Mr. Canker more. + +_Har._ I shall obey your Commands, Madam. + +_Lady._ Want Judgment! A Family of Hottentots! + +_Sir Pat._ Upon my Honour that was unpolite--and you might as well say +I want Judgment. + +_Trif._ Ay, by Gad, or I. + +_Cank._ You are those kind of Judges who are brought into the Channel +of Criticism by the Springtide of Fashion, part of the Rubbish which +helps to swell it above the Mark of Truth, and with its Ebb, return as +precipitately as you came in, and are never heard of more. + +_Trif._ Dullness seize me! If I understand what you mean by your +Springtide, your Fashion, and your Rubbish--I insist upon the Play, +[it] is a good Play--quite tip top, the best Play in life, split me! + +_Sir Pat._ Faith, so it is, Mr. Trifle, a very good Play, for the +Author told me so himself--and you know it must be good when I had it +from his own Mouth. + +_Lady._ Did you ever see the Author, Sir Patrick? + +_Sir Pat._ No, Madam, but I had it at second hand, from a third +Parson, and that's the same thing, you know. + +_Omnes._ Ha! ha! ha! + + (_Enter a_ FOOTMAN) + +_Foot._ Mr. Advocate the Lawyer is come; he bid me inform your +Ladyship that the Writings are ready. + +_Lady._ Very well. (_Exit Footman_) We shall [have] no Occasion for +them tonight nor never in regard to Mr. Canker. + +_Heart._ I protest, Madam, this Hour's Conversation and its +Circumstances, tolerably handled, would make, a la mode a Francaise, +an agreeable Petit Piece. + +_Lady._ Not a bad thought, I vow, Mr. Heartly. + +_Heart._ Shall I recommend it to your Ladyship? I know your Talents +for the Drama, and I'll answer for its Success. + +_Trif._ And so will I by Jupiter; my Lady, we'll make a party on +purpose to support it. + +_Sir Pat._ And so will I by all the Gods in Virgil's Iliad! O I'll +come alone with a hundred Catcalls of my Acquaintance to support it. + +_Heart._ Shall we prevail on your Ladyship? + +_Lady._ Upon my Honour, I don't dislike the Whim, if you will promise +your Assistance, Mr. Heartly. + +_Heart._ Your Ladyship does me Honour; you may command me and Mr. +Canker shall be the Hero. + +_Lady._ Really I am afraid his Character is so very high that the +Audience will never allow it to be natural. + +_Heart._ That part of the Audience who would know the Copy by +themselves might condemn it through Policy as being exaggerated, but +the Candid and Judicious who could not be hurt by it and who know the +Nature of Envy would approve it. Besides Farce will admit of +Characters being a little outre. + +_Lady._ I protest you are a mighty good Critick, Mr. Heartly, but I am +afraid we shall want Plot in our Petit Piece, Mr. Heartly. + +_Heart._ Not at all, my Lady! There is no great Demand for Plot in a +Farce, but to please the Criticks we'll have a little. The main +Business must be the exposing an envious Author, and the Plot must be +to provoke his Envy to neglect his Mistress and to quarrel with your +Ladyship, the Poetical Justice of which must be your breaking off the +intended Match, and giving me his Mistress, who am to be his Rival; +and as the Piece is to be a temporary thing, I dare say the Audience +will make reasonable Allowances. + +_Lady._ I vow I like the Contrivance mightily, and I think there's +something very Singular and very Novel. + +_Trif._ And pray, Heartly, what part shall I have in it? + +_Heart._ You shall be the Jack Maggot of the Farce, which shall be so +trifling that you may be either kept in or left out. + +_Sir Pat._ And what part shall I have in your Play, Mr. Heartly? + +_Heart._ Really, Sir Patrick, I know no Business you can have in it, +unless it be to make the Audience laugh. + +_Sir Pat._ Faith then I have a good Hand at that--for I am so very +witty that I always make Company laugh wherever I come. + +_Nib._ Mr. Heartly, give me leave to tell you your Farce will never +succeed, for your Characters will be too high for that Species of the +Drama, and not half ridiculous enough. + +_Heart._ To remedy that, Sir, we will bring in your Character at the +End of the Farce as a Satyr upon all Criticks who find fault with +Trifles. + +_Trif._ Ha, ha, admirable! That will be delightful! Quite tip top or +may I perish, ha. + +_Lady._ Pray what shall we call our little Piece, Mr. Heartly? + +_Heart._ Why really, Madam, I can't think of any Title better at +present than the New Play Criticized, or the Plague of Envy. + + (_Enter_ FOOTMAN) + +_Foot._ Sir Charles Stanza and another Gentleman are come to wait on +your Ladyship. + +_Lady._ Come Gentlemen, let us go and tell Sir Charles and the Author +of our Design; so if you please, Mr. Canker, you may go along with us +and be by at the Planning of our little Piece--No, I know his Envy +won't suffer him to hear us compliment the Author. That would be out +of Character, so we will leave him to consider of an Epilogue for our +Farce. + + + Rough Draft of an EPILOGUE + + (_Enter a_ POET _shabbily dressed_) + + Hissed, catcalled, and exploded to a man + By those who cannot write, and those who can, + How shall a recreant bard in nature's spight + Save one poor piece, and live a second night? + What--shall he try the arts of low grimace, + Rant like old Bayes, and with a begging face + Implore the patient monarchs of the Pit + To let dull farce pass off for sterling Wit? + No faith--his brother critics most he fears, + And wisely waves the privilege of Peers-- + Nor disapproves he less the threadbare plea + Of wit in rags, and learned Poverty-- + If, like a son of those bright nymphs, the Nine + He e'er pr[o]fer a prayer at Phoebus' shrine, + Ask him to dart one genial beam on Earth + To hatch the Nothing of his Brain to birth, + That prayer or never comes, or comes too late; + The Nine still hold him illegitimate.-- + In this Distress where next his application? + Where, but to thee thou darling Goddess, Fashion! + Fashion, the reigning Genius of today + Whose verdict speaks the fate of each new play, + Whose _mandate_ gives the power to save or kill, + Lends Amoret her eyes and Ward his pill; + If Fashion, mighty arbiter of merit, + Allows it, right or wrong, some wit and spirit, + Then shall this farce like other farces too + Run eighteen nights or more and still be new; + Each different night, a different audience meet, + And Hawkers cry it up in evr'y Street. + +NB. This will damn the piece![8] + + + + +NOTES TO THE PLAYS + + + 1. Larpent ms 58 is dated April, 1746, in another hand and bears the +following note to the Licenser: "April 15th, 1746. Sir, I have given +Mrs. Macklin leave to act this farce for her Benefit provided it meets +with the Approbation of my Lord Chamberlain. Your humble Servant. J. +Lacy." + + 2. Smart is addressed as Dick in this speech in the ms. Three +speeches later Rattle is addressed as Jack. Elsewhere in the ms. it +is Jack Smart and Dick Rattle. + + 3. The following line, "You may feel it if you please." is crossed +out in the ms. + + 4. The following phrase, "and most liable to be hurt" is crossed out +in the ms. + + 5. Larpent ms 64 is dated "March 17th, 1746/7" and bears the +following note to the Licenser: "Sir--I have given Mr. Macklin leave +to perform this Piece at His Benefit at my Theatre, provided it meets +with the Approbation of my Lord Chamberlain, from your most obedient +Humble Servant, J. Lacy." + + 6. A "Prologue to the Plague of Envy" addressed in another hand to +"Mr. Macklin in Bow Street, Covent Garden," is included with Larpent +ms. 64. The Prologue is preceded by the following note: "The following +is taken from the Title of the Farce; the Writer for the Subject on +the Stage; and hopes his Ignorance of the Manner in which you treat +it, will excuse any Want of Approbation that may be in it." + + 7. Spelled _Tom_ in the ms. Elsewhere Trifle is addressed as _Tim_ +Trifle. + + 8. The Epilogue, in a different hand than that of the play's scribe, +appears similar to the handwriting of the Prologue. Cf. n.6 + + 9. Larpent ms 96 is dated 1752 and bears the following note to the +Licenser: "Sir, This piece called Covent Garden Theatre or Pasquin +turned Drawcansir Mr. Macklin designs to have performed at his Benefit +Night with the permission of his Grace the Duke of Grafton. I am Sir +your humble Servant, Jno. C. Rich. To William Chetwyne Esq." + +10. This character, spelled "Romp" in the ms, is probably meant to be +the Prompter who does not appear in the Dramatis Personae but speaks +twice offstage in this act. + +11. Although Hic and Haec Scriblerus appear in the Dramatis Personae, +this is his only speech and his entrance on stage is never indicated. + + + + THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + WILLIAM ANDREWS CLARK MEMORIAL LIBRARY + UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA. LOS ANGELES + + +PUBLICATIONS IN PRINT + + +1948-1949 + + 16. Henry Nevil Payne, _The Fatal Jealousie_ (1673). + + 18. Anonymous, "Of Genius," in _The Occasional Paper_, Vol. III, +No. 10 (1719), and Aaron Hill, _Preface to The Creation_ (1720). + + +1949-1950 + + 19. Susanna Centlivre, _The Busie Body_ (1709). + + 20. Lewis Theobald, _Preface to the Works of Shakespeare_ (1734). + + 22. Samuel Johnson, _The Vanity of Human Wishes_ (1749), and two +_Rambler_ papers (1750). + + 23. John Dryden, _His Majesties Declaration Defended_ (1681). + + +1950-1951 + + 26. Charles Macklin, _The Man of the World_ (1792). + + +1951-1952 + + 31. Thomas Gray, _An Elegy Wrote in a Country Churchyard_ (1751), and +_The Eton College Manuscript_. + + +1952-1953 + + 41. Bernard Mandeville, _A Letter to Dion_ (1732). + + +1962-1963 + + 98. _Select Hymns Taken Out of Mr. Herbert's Temple_ (1697). + + +1963-1964 + +104. Thomas D'Urfey, _Wonders in the Sun; or, The Kingdom of the +Birds_ (1706). + + +1964-1965 + +110. John Tutchin, _Selected Poems_ (1685-1700). + +111. Anonymous, _Political Justice_ (1736). + +112. Robert Dodsley, _An Essay on Fable_ (1764). + +113. T. R., _An Essay Concerning Critical and Curious Learning_ +(1698). + +114. _Two Poems Against Pope_: Leonard Welsted, _One Epistle to Mr. A. +Pope_ (1730), and Anonymous, _The Blatant Beast_ (1742). + + +1965-1966 + +115. Daniel Defoe and others, _Accounts of the Apparition of Mrs. +Veal_. + +116. Charles Macklin, _The Covent Garden Theatre_ (1752). + +117. Sir George L'Estrange, _Citt and Bumpkin_ (1680). + +118. Henry More, _Enthusiasmus Triumphatus_ (1662). + +119. Thomas Traherne, _Meditations on the Six Days of the Creation_ +(1717). + +120. Bernard Mandeville, _Aesop Dress'd or a Collection of Fables_ +(1704). + + +1966-1967 + +122. James MacPherson, _Fragments of Ancient Poetry_ (1760). + +123. Edmond Malone, _Cursory Observations on the Poems Attributed to +Mr. Thomas Rowley_ (1782). + +124. Anonymous, _The Female Wits_ (1704). + +125. Anonymous, _The Scribleriad_ (1742). Lord Hervey, _The Difference +Between Verbal and Practical Virtue_ (1742). + +126. _Le Lutrin: an Heroick Poem, Written Originally in French by +Monsieur Boileau: Made English by N. O._ (1682). + + +Subsequent publications may be checked in the annual prospectus. + +Publications #1 through 90, of the first fifteen years of Augustan +Reprint Society, are available in bound units at $14.00 per unit of +six from: + + KRAUS REPRINT CORPORATION + 16 East 46th Street + New York, N.Y. 10017 + +Publications in print are available at the regular membership rate of +$5.00 yearly. Prices of single issues may be obtained upon request. + + +William Andrews Clark Memorial Library: University of California, Los +Angeles + +THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + +_General Editors_: George Robert Guffey, University of California, Los +Angeles; Maximillian E. Novak, University of California, Los Angeles; +Robert Vosper, William Andrews Clark Memorial Library. + +_Corresponding Secretary_: Mrs. Edna C. Davis, William Andrews Clark +Memorial Library. + + +The Society's purpose is to publish reprints (usually facsimile +reproductions) of rare seventeenth and eighteenth century works. All +income of the Society is devoted to defraying costs of publication and +mailing. + +Correspondence concerning memberships in the United States and Canada +should be addressed to the William Andrews Clark Memorial Library, +2520 Cimarron St., Los Angeles, California. Correspondence concerning +editorial matters may be addressed to any of the general editors at +the same address. Manuscripts of introductions should conform to the +recommendations of the MLA _Style Sheet_. The membership fee is $5.00 +a year in the United States and Canada and 30/- in Great Britain and +Europe. British and European prospective members should address B. H. +Blackwell, Broad Street, Oxford, England. Copies of back issues in +print may be obtained from the Corresponding Secretary. + + +PUBLICATIONS FOR 1967-1968 + +127-128. Charles Macklin, _A Will and No Will, or a Bone for the +Lawyers_ (1746). _The New Play Criticiz'd, or The Plague of Envy_ +(1747). Introduction by Jean B. Kern. + +129. Lawrence Echard, Prefaces to _Terence's Comedies_ (1694) and +_Plautus's Comedies_ (1694). Introduction by John Barnard. + +130. Henry More, _Democritus Platonissans_ (1646). Introduction +by P. G. Stanwood. + +131. John Evelyn, _The History of ... Sabatai Sevi ... The Suppos'd +Messiah of the Jews_ (1669). Introduction by Christopher W. Grose. + +132. Walter Harte, _An Essay on Satire, Particularly on the Dunciad_ +(1730). Introduction by Thomas B. Gilmore. + + +ANNOUNCEMENTS: + +Next in the series of special publications by the Society will be a +volume including Elkanah Settle's _The Empress of Morocco_ (1673) with +six plates; _Notes and Observations on the Empress of Morocco_ (1674) +by John Dryden, John Crowne and Thomas Shadwell; _Notes and +Observations on the Empress of Morocco Revised_ (1674) by Elkanah +Settle; and _The Empress of Morocco. A Farce_ (1674) by Thomas Duffet, +with an Introduction by Maximillian E. Novak. Already published in +this series are reprints of John Ogilby's _The Fables of Aesop +Paraphras'd in Verse_ (1668), with an Introduction by Earl Miner and +John Gay's _Fables_ (1727, 1738), with an Introduction by Vinton A. +Dearing. Publication is assisted by funds from the Chancellor of the +University of California, Los Angeles. Price to members of the +Society, $2.50 for the first copy and $3.25 for additional copies. +Price to non-members, $4.00. + + + THE AUGUSTAN REPRINT SOCIETY + William Andrews Clark Memorial Library + 2520 CIMARRON STREET AT WEST ADAMS BOULEVARD, LOS ANGELES, + CALIFORNIA 90018 + +Make check or money order payable to THE REGENTS OF THE UNIVERSITY +OF CALIFORNIA. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of A Will and No Will or A Bone for the +Lawyers. (1746) The New Play Criticiz'd, or the Plague of Envy (1747), by Charles Macklin + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 40653 *** |