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diff --git a/44106.txt b/44106.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 8927d9a..0000000 --- a/44106.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,11606 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confession of a Fool, by August Strindberg - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Confession of a Fool - -Author: August Strindberg - -Translator: Ellie Schleussner - -Release Date: November 5, 2013 [EBook #44106] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONFESSION OF A FOOL *** - - - - -Produced by Marc D'Hooghe at http://www.freeliterature.org -(Scans generously made available by the Internet Archive.) - - - - - -THE CONFESSION OF A FOOL - -BY AUGUST STRINDBERG - - -TRANSLATED BY - -ELLIE SCHLEUSSNER - - -BOSTON - -SMALL, MAYNARD AND COMPANY - -PUBLISHERS - -1913 - - - - - -_Translated from the "Litterarisches Echo,"_ - -_August 15, 1911_ - -STRINDBERG'S WORKS - -(BY I.E. PORITZKY, BERLIN) - - -The republication of _The Confession of a Fool_ represents the last -link in the chain of Strindberg's autobiographical novels. A German -version of the book was published as far back as 1893, but it was -mutilated, abbreviated, corrupted, and falsified to such an extent -that the attorney-general, misled by the revolting language, blamed -the author for the misdeeds of the translator and prohibited the sale -of the book. This was a splendid advertisement for this profound work, -but there were many who would have rejoiced if the translation had been -completely ignored. It distorted Strindberg's character and was the -cause of many prejudices which exist to this day. - -Schering's new translation is an attempt to make reparation for this -crime. "It is impossible," he says, "that any attorney-general can now -doubt the high morality of this book." Strindberg himself has called -it a _terrible book_, and has regretted that he ever wrote it. He has -never published it in Swedish, his own language, because not only is -it too personal in character, but it also revealed a still bleeding -wound. It contains the relentless description of his first marriage, so -superbly candid an account, that one is reminded of the last testament -of a man for whom death has no longer any terror. We know from his -fascinating novel Separated, how painful the burden was which he had -to bear, and how terribly he suffered during the period of his first -marriage. So much so, indeed, that he had to write this book before he -could face the thought of death with composure. Doubtless, a man for -whom life holds no longer any charm would give us a genuinely truthful -account of his inner life, and there is no denying that a book which -takes its entire matter from the inner life is of vastly greater -importance and on an immeasurably higher level than a million novels, -be they written ever so well. The great importance of _The Confession -of a Fool_ lies in the fact that it depicts the struggle of a highly -intellectual man to free himself from the slavery of sexuality, and -from a woman who is a typical representative of her sex. - -Apart from this, it is an intense joy from an artistic point of view to -follow the "confessor" through the book, as he looks at himself from -all sides in order to gain self-knowledge; that he conceals nothing -from us, not even those deep secrets which he would fain keep even in -the face of death. One sees Strindberg brooding over his own soul to -fathom its depths. He plumbs its hidden profoundnesses, he takes to -pieces the inner wheels of his mechanism, so as to know for himself and -to show us how he is made and what is the cause of the instinct which -drives him to confess and to create. He opens wide his heart and lets -us see that he carries in his breast his heaven and also his horrible -hell. We see angels and devils fighting in his soul for supremacy, and -the divine in him stepping between them with its creative Let there be! - - - - -THE CONFESSION OF A FOOL - - - - -PART I - - -I - - -It was on the thirteenth of May, 1875, at Stockholm. - -I well remember the large room of the Royal Library which extended -through a whole wing of the Castle, with its beechen wainscoting, brown -with age like the meerschaum of a much-used cigar-holder. The enormous -room, with its rococo headings, garlands, chains and armorial bearings, -round which, at the height of the first floor, ran a gallery supported -by Tuscan columns, was yawning like a great chasm underneath my feet; -with its hundred thousand volumes it resembled a gigantic brain, with -the thoughts of long-forgotten generations neatly arranged on shelves. - -A passage running from one end of the room to the other divided the -two principal parts, the walls of which were completely hidden by -shelves fourteen feet high. The golden rays of the spring sun were -falling through the twelve windows, illuminating the volumes of the -Renaissance, bound in white and gold parchment, the black morocco -bindings mounted with silver of the seventeenth century, the red-edged -volumes bound in calf of a hundred years later, the green leather -bindings which were the fashion under the Empire, and the cheap covers -of our own time. Here theologians were on neighbourly terms with -apostles of magic, philosophers hobnobbed with naturalists, poets and -historians dwelt in peace side by side. It reminded one of a geological -stratum of unfathomable depth where, as in a puddingstone, layer was -piled upon layer, marking the successive stages arrived at by human -folly or human genius. - -I can see myself now. I had climbed on to the encircling gallery, and -was engaged in arranging a collection of old books which a well-known -collector had just presented to the library. He had been clever -enough to ensure his own immortality by endowing each volume with his -ex-libris bearing the motto "Speravit infestis." - -Since I was as superstitious as an atheist, this motto, meeting my -gaze day after day whenever I happened to open a volume, had made an -undeniable impression on me. He was a lucky fellow, this brave man, for -even in misfortune he never abandoned hope.... But for me all hope was -dead. There seemed to be no chance whatever that my drama in five acts, -or six tableaux, with three transformation scenes on the open stage, -would ever see the footlights. Seven men stood between me and promotion -to the post of a librarian--seven men, all in perfect health, and four -with a private income. A man of twenty-six, in receipt of a monthly -salary of twenty crowns, with a drama in five acts stowed away in a -drawer in his attic, is only too much inclined to embrace pessimism, -this apotheosis of scepticism, so comforting to all failures. It -compensates them for unobtainable dinners, enables them to draw -admirable conclusions, which often have to make up for the loss of an -overcoat, pledged before the end of the winter. - -Notwithstanding the fact that I was a member of a learned Bohemia, -which had succeeded an older, artistic Bohemia, a contributor to -important newspapers and excellent, but badly paying magazines, a -partner in a society founded for the purpose of translating Hartmann's -_Philosophy of the Unconscious_, a member of a secret federation -for the promotion of free love, the bearer of the empty title of a -"royal secretary," and the author of two one-act plays which had been -performed at the Royal Theatre, I had the greatest difficulty to make -ends meet. I hated life, although the thought of relinquishing it had -never crossed my mind; on the contrary, I had always done my best -to continue not only my own existence but also that of the race. It -cannot be denied that pessimism, misinterpreted by the multitude and -generally confused with hypochondria, is really a quite serene and -even comforting philosophy of life. Since everything is relatively -nothing, why make so much fuss, particularly as truth itself is mutable -and short-lived? Are we not constantly discovering that the truth of -yesterday is the folly of to-morrow? Why, then, waste strength and -youth in discovering fresh fallacies? The only proven fact is that we -have to die. Let us live then! But for whom? For what purpose? Alas!... - -When Bernadotte, that converted Jacobite, ascended the throne and all -the rubbish which had been discarded at the end of the last century -was re-introduced, the hopes of the generation of 1860, to which I -belonged, were dashed to the ground with the clamorously advertised -parliamentary reform. The _two houses_, which had taken the place of -the _four estates_, consisted for the greater part of peasants. They -turned Parliament into a sort of town council, where everybody, on the -best of terms with everybody else, looked after his own little affairs, -without paying the least regard to the great problems of life and -progress. Politics were nothing more nor less than a compromise between -public and private interests. The last remnants of faith in what was -then "the ideal" were vanishing in a ferment of bitterness. To this -must be added the religious reaction which marked the period after the -death of Charles XV, and the beginning of the reign of Queen Sophia -of Nassau. There were plenty of reasons, therefore, to account for an -enlightened pessimism, reasons other than personal ones.... - -The dust caused by the rearrangement of the books was choking me. I -opened the window for a breath of fresh air and a look at the view -beyond. A delicious breeze fanned my face, a breeze laden with the -scent of lilac and the rising sap of the poplars. The lattice-work was -completely hidden beneath the green leaves of the honey-suckle and wild -vine; acacias and plane trees, well acquainted with the fatal whims -of a northern May, were still holding back. It was spring, though the -skeleton of shrub and tree was still plainly visible underneath the -tender young green. Beyond the parapet with its Delft vases bearing -the mark of Charles XII, the masts of the anchored steamers were -rising, gaily decorated with flags in honour of the May-day festival. -Behind them glittered the bottle-green line of the bay, and from -its wooded shores on either side the trees were mounting higher and -higher, gradually, like steps, pines and Scotch firs on one side and -soft green foliage on the other. All the boats lying at anchor were -flying their national colours, more or less symbolic of the different -nations. England with the dripping scarlet of the blood of her famous -cattle; Spain striped red and yellow, like the Venetian blinds of a -Moorish balcony; the United States with their striped bed-tick; the -gay tricolour of France by the side of the gloomy German flag with -its sinister iron cross close to the flagstaff, ever reminiscent of -mourning; the jerkinet of Denmark; the veiled tricolour of Russia. They -were all there, side by side, with outspread wings, under the blue -cover of the northern sky. The noise of carriages, whistles, bells -and cranes lent animation to the picture; the combined odours of oil, -leather, salt herrings and groceries mingled with the scent of the -lilac. An easterly wind blowing from the open sea, cooled by the drift -ice of the Baltic, freshened the atmosphere. - -I forgot my books as soon as I turned my back to them and was leaning -out of the window, all my senses taking a delicious bath; below, the -guards were marching past to the strains of the march from Faust. -I was so intoxicated with the music, the flags, the blue sky, the -flowers, that I had not noticed the porter entering my office in the -meantime with the mail. He touched my shoulder, handed me a letter and -disappeared. - -Hm!... a letter from a lady. - -I hastily opened the envelope, anticipating some delightful adventure -... surely it must be something of that sort ... it was! - -"Meet me punctually at five o'clock this afternoon before No. 65 -Parliament Street. You will know me by the roll of music in my hand." - -A short time ago a little vixen had made a fool of me, and I had sworn -to take advantage of the first favourable opportunity to revenge -myself. Therefore I was willing enough. There was only one thing which -jarred on me; the commanding, dictatorial tone of the note offended my -manly dignity. How could this unknown correspondent dare to attack me -unawares in this manner? What were they thinking of, these women, who -have such a poor opinion of us men? They do not ask, they command their -conquests! - -As it happened I had planned an excursion with some of my friends for -this very afternoon. And, moreover, the thought of a flirtation in the -middle of the day in one of the principal streets of the town was not -very alluring. - -At two o'clock, however, I went into the chemical laboratory where the -excursionists had arranged to assemble. They were already crowding -the ante-room: doctors and candidates of philosophy and medicine, all -of them anxious to learn the programme of the entertainment in store. -I had made up my mind in the meantime, and with many apologies refused -to be one of the party. They clamoured for my reasons. I produced my -letter and handed it to a zoologist who was looked upon as an expert in -all matters pertaining to love; he shook his head while perusing it. - -"No good, that...." he muttered disconnectedly; "wants to be married -... would never sell herself ... family, my dear old chap ... straight -path ... but do what you like. You'll find us in the Park, later on, -if the spirit moves you to join us, and I have been wrong about the -lady...." - -At the hour indicated I took up my position near the house mentioned, -and awaited the appearance of the unknown letter-writer. - -The roll of music in her hand, what was it but a proposal of marriage? -It differed in no way from the announcements on the fourth page of -certain newspapers. I suddenly felt uneasy; too late--the lady had -arrived and we stood looking at each other. - -My first impression--I believe in first impressions--was quite vague. -She was of uncertain age, between twenty-nine and forty, fantastically -dressed. What was she? Artist or blue-stocking? A sheltered woman or -one living a free and independent life? Emancipated or cocotte? I -wondered.... - -She introduced herself as the fiancee of an old friend of mine, an -opera singer, and said that he wished me to look after her while she -was staying in town. This was untrue, as I found out later on. - -She was like a little bird, twittering incessantly. After she had -talked for half-an-hour I knew all about her; I knew all her emotions, -all her thoughts. But I was only half interested, and asked her if I -could do anything for her. - -"I take care of a young woman!" I exclaimed, after she had explained -what she wanted. "Don't you know that I am the devil incarnate?" - -"You only think you are," she replied; "but I know you thoroughly. -You're unhappy, that's all. You ought to be roused from your gloomy -fancies." - -"You know me thoroughly? You really think so? I'm afraid all you know -is the now antiquated opinion your fiance has of me." - -It was no use talking, my "charming friend" was well informed and -knew how to read a man's heart, even from a distance. She was one of -those obstinate creatures who strive to sway the spirits of men by -insinuating themselves into the hidden depths of their souls. She -kept up a large correspondence, bombarded all her acquaintances with -letters, gave advice and warning to young people, and knew no greater -happiness than to direct and guide the destinies of men. Greedy of -power, head of a league for the salvation of souls, patroness of all -the world, she had conceived it her mission to save me! - -She was a schemer of the purest water, with little intelligence but a -great deal of female impudence. - -I began to tease her by making fun of everything, the world, men, -religion. She told me my ideas were morbid. - -"Morbid! My dear lady, my ideas morbid? They are, on the contrary, -most healthy and of the latest date. But what about yours now? They -are relics of a past age, commonplaces of my boyhood, the rubbish of -rubbish, and you think them new? Candidly speaking, what you offer me -as fresh fruit is nothing but preserved stuff in badly soldered tins. -Away with it! It's rotten! You know what I mean." - -She left me without a word of good-bye, furious, unable to control -herself. - -When she had gone I went to join my friends in the Park, and spent the -evening with them. - -I had not quite got over my excitement on the following morning when -I received a communication from her. It was a vainglorious letter -in which she overwhelmed me with reproaches, largely tempered by -forbearance and compassion; she expressed ardent wishes for my mental -health, and concluded by arranging a second meeting, and stating that -we ought to pay a visit to her fiance's aged mother. - -As I rather pride myself on my manners, I resigned myself to my fate; -but, determined to get off as cheaply as possible, I made up my mind to -appear perfectly indifferent to all questions relating to religion, the -world and everything else. - -But how wonderful! The lady, dressed in a tightly fitting cloth dress, -trimmed with fur, and wearing a large picture hat, greeted me most -cordially; she was full of the tender solicitude of an elder sister, -avoided all dangerous ground, and was altogether so charming that our -souls, thanks to a mutual desire to please, met in friendly talk, and -before we parted a feeling of genuine sympathy had sprung up between us. - -After having paid our call we took advantage of the lovely spring day -and went for a stroll. - -I am not sure whether it was from an imperative desire to pay her out, -or whether I felt annoyed at having been made to play the part of a -confidant; whatever it was, the iniquitous idea occurred to me to -tell her, in strict confidence, that I was practically engaged to be -married; this was only half a lie, for I was really paying at that time -a good deal of attention to a certain lady of my acquaintance. - -On hearing this, her manner changed. She talked to me like a -grandmother, began to pity the girl, questioned me about her character, -her looks, her social status, her circumstances. I painted a portrait -well calculated to excite her jealousy. Our eager conversation -languished. My guardian angel's interest in me waned when she suspected -a rival who might possibly be equally anxious to save my soul. - -We parted, still under the influence of the chill which had gradually -arisen between us. - -When we met on the following day we talked exclusively of love and my -supposed fiancee. - -But after we had visited theatres and concerts for a week and taken -numerous walks together, she had gained her object. The daily -intercourse with her had become a habit of which I felt unable to break -myself. Conversation with a woman who is above the commonplace has an -almost sensual charm. The souls touch, the spirits embrace each other. - -One morning, on meeting her as usual, I found her almost beside -herself. She was full of a letter which she had just received. -Her fiance was furiously jealous. She accused herself of having -been indiscreet; he was recommending her the utmost reserve in her -intercourse with me: he seemed to have a presentiment that the matter -would end badly. - -"I can't understand such detestable jealousy," she said, deeply -distressed. - -"Because you don't understand the meaning of the word 'love,'" I -answered. - -"Love! Ugh!" - -"Love, my dear lady, is consciousness of possession in its greatest -intensity. Jealousy is but the fear of losing what one possesses." - -"Possesses! Disgusting!" - -"Mutually possesses, since each possesses the other." - -But she refused to understand love in that sense. In her opinion love -was something disinterested, exalted, chaste, inexplicable. - -She did not love her fiance, but he was head over ears in love with her. - -When I said so she lost her temper, and then confessed that she had -never loved him. - -"And yet you contemplate marrying him?" - -"Because he would be lost if I didn't." - -"Always that mania for saving souls!" - -She grew more and more angry; she maintained that she was not, and -never had been, really engaged to him. We had caught each other lying; -what prospects! - -There remained nothing for me to do now but to make a clean breast -of it, and contradict my previous statement that I was "as good as -engaged." This done, we were at liberty to make use of our freedom. - -As she had now no longer any cause for jealousy, the game began afresh, -and this time we played it in deadly earnest. I confessed my love to -her--in writing. She forwarded the letter to her fiance. He heaped -insults on my head--by post. - -I told her that she must choose between him and me. But she carefully -refrained from doing so, for her object was to have me, him, and as -many more as she could get, kneeling at her feet and adoring her. She -was a flirt, a _mangeuse d'hommes_, a chaste polyandrist. - -But, perhaps for want of some one better, I had fallen in love with -her, for I loathed casual love-affairs, and the solitude of my attic -bored me. - -Towards the end of her stay in town I invited her to pay me a visit at -the library. I wanted to dazzle her, show myself to her in impressive -surroundings, so as to overawe this arrogant little brain. - -I dragged her from gallery to gallery, exhibiting all my -bibliographical knowledge. I compelled her to admire the miniatures -of the Middle Ages, the autographs of famous men. I evoked the great -historical memories held captive in old manuscripts and prints. In the -end her insignificance came home to her and she became embarrassed. - -"But you are a very learned man!" she exclaimed. - -"Of course I am," I laughed. - -"Oh, my poor old mummer!" she murmured, alluding to her friend, the -opera singer, her so-called fiance. - -But if I had flattered myself that the mummer was now finally disposed -of, I was mistaken. He was threatening to shoot me--by post; he accused -me of having robbed him of his future bride. I proved to him that he -could not have been robbed, for the simple reason that he had not -possessed anything. After that our correspondence ceased and gave way -to a menacing silence. - -Her visit was drawing to an end. On the eve of her departure I received -a jubilant letter from her, telling me of an unexpected piece of good -luck. She had read my play to some people of note who had influence -with stage managers. The play had made such an impression on them that -they were anxious to make my acquaintance. She would tell me all the -details in the afternoon. - -At the appointed hour I met her and accompanied her on a shopping -expedition to make a few last purchases. She was talking of nothing but -the sensation my play had created, and when I explained to her that I -hated patronage of any sort, she did her utmost to convert me to her -point of view. I paid little attention to her and went on grumbling. -The idea of ringing at unknown front doors, meeting strangers and -talking to them of everything except that which was nearest to my -heart, was hateful to me; I could not whine like a beggar for favours. -I was fighting her as hard as I could when suddenly she stopped before -a young, aristocratic-looking lady, very well, even elegantly dressed, -with movements full of softness and grace. - -The lady, whom she introduced as Baroness X, said a few words to me -which the noise of the crowd rendered all but inaudible. I stammered -a reply, annoyed at having been caught in a trap set for me by a wily -little schemer. For I felt certain the meeting had been premeditated. - -A few seconds more and the Baroness had gone, but not without having -personally repeated the invitation which my companion had already -brought me a little earlier in the afternoon. - -The girlish appearance and baby face of the Baroness, who must have -been at least twenty-five years of age, surprised me. She looked like -a school-girl; her little face was framed by roguish curls, golden as -a cornfield on which the sun is shining; she had the shoulders of a -princess and a supple, willowy figure; the way in which she bowed her -head expressed at the same time candour, respect and superiority. - -And this delicious, girlish mother had read my play without hurt or -injury? Was it possible? - -She had married a captain of the Guards, was the mother of a little -girl of three, and took a passionate interest in the theatre, without, -however, having the slightest prospect of ever being able to enter -the profession herself; a sacrifice demanded from her by the rank and -position not only of her husband, but also of her father-in-law, who -had recently received the appointment of a gentleman-in-waiting. - -This was the position of affairs when my love-dream melted away. A -steamer was bearing my lady-love into the presence of her mummer. He -would vindicate his rights now and take a delight in making fun of my -letters to her: just retribution for having laughed at his letters in -the company of his inamorata while she was staying here. - -On the landing-stage, at the very moment of our affectionate farewell, -she made me promise to call on the Baroness without delay. These were -the last words we exchanged. - -The innocent daydreams, so different from the coarse orgies of learned -Bohemia, left a void in my heart which craved to be filled. The -friendly, seemingly harmless intercourse with a gentlewoman, this -intercourse between two people of opposite sexes, had been sweet to -me after my long solitude, for I had quarrelled with my family and -was, therefore, very lonely. The love of home life, which my Bohemian -existence had deadened for a while, was reawakened by my relations -with a very ordinary but respectable member of the other sex. And, -therefore, one evening at six o'clock, I found myself at the entrance -gate of a house in North Avenue. - -How ominous! It was the old house which had belonged to my father, the -house in which I had spent the most miserable years of my childhood, -where I had fought through the troubles and storms of adolescence, -where I had been confirmed, where my mother had died, and where a -stepmother had taken her place. I suddenly felt ill at ease, and my -first impulse was one of flight. I was afraid to stir up the memories -of the misery of my youth and early manhood. There was the courtyard -with its tall ash trees; how impatiently I used to wait for the tender -young green on the return of spring; there was the gloomy house, built -against a sand-quarry, the unavoidable collapse of which had lowered -the rents. - -But in spite of the feeling of depression caused by so many melancholy -memories, I pulled myself together, entered, walked upstairs and rang -the bell. As I stood listening to the sound echoing through the house, -I had a feeling that my father would presently come and open the door -to me. But a servant appeared and disappeared again to announce me. A -few seconds afterwards I stood face to face with the Baron, who gave me -a hearty welcome. He was a man of about thirty years of age, tall and -strong, with a noble carriage and the perfect manners of a gentleman. -His full, slightly swollen face was animated by a pair of intensely -sad blue eyes. The smile on his lips was for ever giving way to an -expression of extraordinary bitterness, which spoke of disappointments, -plans miscarried, illusions fled. - -The drawing-room, once upon a time our dining-room, was not furnished -in any particular style. The Baron, who bore the name of a famous -general, a Turenne or Conde of our country, had filled it with the -portraits of his ancestors, dating back to the Thirty Years' War; -heroes in white cuirasses with wigs of the time of Louis XIV. Amongst -them hung landscapes of the Duesseldorf school of painting. Pieces of -old furniture, restored and gilded, stood side by side with chairs and -easy-chairs of a more modern date. The whole room seemed to breathe an -atmosphere of peace and domestic love. - -Presently the Baroness joined us; she was charming, almost cordial, -simple and kind. But there was a certain stiffness in her manner, -a suspicion of embarrassment which chilled me until I discovered a -reason for it in the sound of voices which came from an adjacent room. -I concluded that she had other visitors, and apologised for having -called at an inconvenient time. They were playing whist in the next -room, and I was forthwith introduced to four members of the family: the -gentleman-in-waiting, a retired captain, and the Baroness's mother and -aunt. - -As soon as the old people had sat down again to play, we younger ones -began to talk. The Baron mentioned his great love of painting. A -scholarship, granted him by the late King Charles XV, had enabled him -to pursue his studies at Duesseldorf. This fact constituted a point of -contact between us, for I had had a scholarship from the same king, -only in my case it had been granted for literary purposes. - -We discussed painting, the theatre, the personality of our patron. -But gradually the flow of conversation ceased, largely checked by the -whist players, who joined in every now and then, laying rude fingers on -sensitive spots, tearing open scarcely healed wounds. I began to feel -ill at ease in this heterogeneous society and rose to go. The Baron and -his wife, who accompanied me to the door, dropped their constrained -manner as soon as they were out of earshot of the old people. They -asked me to a friendly dinner on the following Saturday, and after a -little chat in the passage we parted as old friends. - - - - -II - - -Punctually at three o'clock on the following Saturday I started -for the house in North Avenue. I was received like an old friend -and unhesitatingly admitted to the intimacies of the home. Mutual -confidences added a delightful flavour to the meal. The Baron, who was -dissatisfied with his position, belonged to a group of malcontents -which had arisen under the new rule of King Oscar. Jealous of the great -popularity which his late brother had enjoyed, the new ruler took -pains to neglect all plans fostered by his predecessor. The friends -of the old order, its frank joviality, its toleration and progressive -endeavour, stood aside, therefore, and formed an intellectual -opposition without, however, taking any part in party politics. While -we sat, evoking the ghosts of the past, our hearts were drawn together. -All prejudices nursed in the heart of the commoner against the -aristocracy, which since the parliamentary reform of 1865 had gradually -receded more and more into the background, vanished and gave place to a -feeling of sympathy for the fallen stars. - -The Baroness, a native of Finland, was a new-comer in Sweden, and not -sufficiently informed to take part in our conversation. But as soon as -dinner was over she went to the piano and began to sing, and both the -Baron and I discovered that we possessed an hitherto unsuspected talent -for the duets of Wennerberg. - -The hours passed rapidly. - -We amused ourselves by casting the parts and reading a short play -which had just been played at the Royal Theatre. - -But suddenly our spirits flagged and the inevitable pause ensued; that -awkward pause which is sure to occur after exhaustive efforts to shine -and make conquests. Again the memories of the past oppressed me and I -grew silent. - -"What's the matter?" asked the Baroness. - -"There are ghosts in this house," I replied, trying to account for my -silence. "Ages ago I lived here--yes, yes, ages ago, for I am very old." - -"Can't we drive away those ghosts?" she asked, looking at me with a -bewitching expression, full of motherly tenderness. - -"I'm afraid we can't; that's the privilege of some one else," laughed -the Baron; "she alone can banish the gloomy thoughts. Come now, you are -engaged to Miss Selma?" - -"No, you are mistaken, Baron; it was love's labour lost." - -"What! is she bound to some one else?" asked the Baron, scrutinising my -face. - -"I think so." - -"Oh, I'm sorry! That girl's a treasure. And I'm certain that she is -fond of you." - -And forthwith the three of us began to rail against the unfortunate -singer, accusing him of attempting to compel a woman to marry him -against her will. The Baroness tried to comfort me by insisting that -things were bound to come right in the end, and promised to intercede -for me on her next trip to Finland, which was to take place very -shortly. - -"No one shall succeed," she assured me, with an angry flash in her -eyes, "in forcing that dear girl into a marriage of which her heart -doesn't approve." - -It was seven o'clock as I rose to go. But they pressed me so eagerly to -spend the evening with them that I almost suspected them of being bored -in each other's company, although they had only been married for three -years, and Heaven had blessed their union with a dear little girl. They -told me that they expected a cousin, and were anxious that I should -meet her and tell them what I thought of her. - -While we were still talking, a letter was handed to the Baron. He tore -it open, read it hastily, and, with a muttered exclamation, handed it -to his wife. - -"Incredible!" she exclaimed, glancing at the contents, and, after a -questioning look at her husband, she continued: "She's my own cousin, -you know, and her parents won't permit her to stay at our house because -people have been gossiping." - -"It's preposterous!" exclaimed the Baron. "A mere child, pretty, -innocent, unhappy at home, who likes being with us, her near relatives -... and people gossiping! Bah!" - -Did a sceptic smile betray me? His remark was followed by a dead -silence, a certain confusion, badly concealed under an invitation to -take a turn round the garden. - -I left after supper, about ten o'clock, and no sooner had I crossed the -threshold than I began to ponder on the happenings of that eventful day. - -In spite of every appearance of happiness, and notwithstanding their -evident affection, I felt convinced that my friends harboured a very -formidable skeleton in their cupboard. Their wistful eyes, their fits -of absent-mindedness, something unspoken, but felt, pointed to a hidden -grief, to secrets, the discovery of which I dreaded. - -Why in the world, I asked myself, do they live so quietly, voluntary -exiles in a wretched suburb? They were like two shipwrecked people in -their eagerness to pour out their hearts to the first comer. - -The Baroness in particular perplexed me. I tried to call up -her picture, but was confused by the wealth of contradictory -characteristics which I had discovered in her, and from which I had to -choose. Kindhearted, amiable, brusque, enthusiastic, communicative and -reserved, cold and excitable, she seemed to be full of whims, brooding -over ambitious dreams. She was neither commonplace nor clever, but she -impressed people. Of Byzantine slenderness, which allowed her dress -to fall in simple, noble folds, like the dress of a St. Cecilia, her -body was of bewitching proportions, her wrists and ankles exquisitely -beautiful. Every now and then the pale, somewhat rigid features of her -little face warmed into life and sparkled with infectious gaiety. - -It was difficult to say who was master in the house. He, the soldier, -accustomed to command, but burdened with a weak constitution, seemed -submissive, more, I thought, from indifference than want of will-power. -They were certainly on friendly terms, but there was none of the -ecstasy of young love. When I made their acquaintance they were -delighted to rejuvenate themselves by calling up the memories of the -past before a third person. In studying them more closely, I became -convinced that they lived on relics, bored each other, and the frequent -invitations which I received after my first call proved that my -conclusions were correct. - - * * * * * - -On the eve of the Baroness's departure for Finland I called on her to -say good-bye. It was a lovely evening in June. The moment I entered the -courtyard I caught sight of her behind the garden railings; she was -standing in a shrubbery of aristolochias, and the transcendent beauty -of her appearance came upon me almost with a shock. She was dressed in -a white _pique_ dress, richly embroidered, the masterpiece of a Russian -serf; her chain, brooches and bangles of alabaster seemed to throw -a soft light over her, like lamplight falling through an opalescent -globe. The broad green leaves threw death-like hues on her pale face, -with its shining coal-black eyes. - -I was shaken, utterly confused, as if I were gazing at a vision. The -instinct of worship, latent in my heart, awoke, and with it the desire -to proclaim my adoration. The void which had once been filled by -religion ached no longer; the yearning to adore had reappeared under -a new form. God was deposed, but His place was taken by woman, woman -who was both virgin and mother; when I looked at the little girl by -her side, I could not understand how that birth had been possible, for -the relationship between her and her husband seemed to put all sexual -intercourse out of the question; their union appeared essentially -spiritual. Henceforth this woman represented to me a soul incarnate, a -soul pure and unapproachable, clothed with one of those radiant bodies -which, according to the Scriptures, clothe the souls of the dead. I -worshipped her--I could not help worshipping her. I worshipped her just -as she was, as she appeared to me at that moment, as mother and wife; -wife of a particular husband, mother of a particular child. Without her -husband my longing to worship could not have been satisfied, for, I -said to myself, she would then be a widow, and should I still worship -her as such? Perhaps if she were mine--my wife?... No! the thought was -unthinkable. And, moreover, married to me, she would no longer be the -wife of this particular man, the mother of this particular child, the -mistress of this particular house. Such as she was I adored her, I -would not have her otherwise. - -Was it because of the melancholy recollections which the house always -awakened in me, or was it because of the instincts of the commoner who -never fails to admire the upper classes, the purer blood?--a feeling -which would die on the day on which she stood less high--the adoration -which I had conceived for her resembled in every point the religion -from which I had just emancipated myself. I wanted to adore, I was -longing to sacrifice myself, to suffer without hope of any other reward -but the ecstasies of worship, self-sacrifice and suffering. - -I constituted myself her guardian angel. I wanted to watch over her, -lest the power of my love should sweep her off her feet and engulf her. -I carefully avoided being alone with her, so that no familiarity which -her husband might resent should creep in between us. - -But to-day, on the eve of her departure, I found her alone in the -shrubbery. We exchanged a few commonplaces. But presently my excitement -rose to such a pitch that it communicated itself to her. Gazing at her -with burning eyes, I saw the desire to confide in me forming itself in -her heart. She told me that the thought of a separation from husband -and child, however short, made her miserable. She implored me to spend -as much of my leisure with them as I could, and not to forget her while -she was looking after my interests in Finland. - -"You love her very much--with all your heart, don't you?" she asked, -looking at me steadfastly. - -"Can you ask?" I replied, depressed by the painful lie. - -For I had no longer any doubt that my May dream had been nothing more -than a fancy, a whim, a mere pastime. - -Afraid of polluting her with my passion, fearful of entangling her -against my will in the net of my emotions, intending to protect her -against myself, I dropped the perilous subject and asked after her -husband. She pulled a face, evidently interpreting my somewhat strange -behaviour quite correctly. Perhaps, also--the suspicion rose in my mind -much later--he found pleasure in the thought that her beauty confused -me. Or, maybe, she was conscious at that moment of the terrible power -she had acquired over me, a Joseph whose coldness was only assumed, -whose chastity was enforced. - -"I'm boring you," she said smilingly; "I'd better call for -reinforcements." - -And with a clear voice she called to her husband, who was in his room -upstairs. - -The window was thrown open and the Baron appeared, a friendly smile on -his open countenance. A few minutes later he joined us in the garden. -He was wearing the handsome uniform of the Guards and looked very -distinguished. With his dark-blue tunic, embroidered in yellow and -silver, his tall, well-knit figure, he formed an exquisite contrast -to the slender woman in white who stood at his side. They were really -a strikingly handsome couple; the charms of the one served but to -heighten those of the other. The sight of them was an artistic treat, a -brilliant spectacle. - -After dinner the Baron proposed that we should accompany his wife on -the steamer as far as the last customs station. This proposal, to -which I gladly agreed, seemed to give the Baroness a great deal of -pleasure; she was delighted with the prospect of admiring the Stockholm -Archipelago from the deck of a steamer on a beautiful summer night. - -At ten o'clock on the following evening we met on board the steamer a -short time before the hour of starting. It was a clear night; the sky -was a blaze of brilliant orange, the sea lay before us, calm and blue. - -We slowly steamed past the wooded shores, in a light which was neither -day nor night, but had the qualities of both, and impressed the -beholder as being sunrise and sunset at the same time. - -After midnight our enthusiasm, which had been kept alive by the -constantly changing panorama and the memories which it called up, -cooled a little. We were fighting against an overwhelming desire to -sleep. The early dawn found us with pallid faces, shivering in the -morning breeze. We suddenly became sentimental; we swore eternal -friendship; it was fate that had thrown us together--we dimly discerned -that fatal bond which was to connect our lives in the future. I was -beginning to look haggard, for I had not yet regained my strength after -an attack of intermittent fever; they treated me like an ailing child; -the Baroness wrapped her rug round me and made me drink some wine, -all the while talking to me with a mother's tenderness. I let them -have their way. I was almost delirious with want of sleep; my pent-up -feelings overflowed; this womanly tenderness, the secret of which none -but a motherly woman knows, was a new experience to me. I poured out -on her a deluge of respectful homage; over-excited by sleeplessness, I -became lightheaded, and gave the reins to my poetical imagination. - -The wild hallucinations of the sleepless night took shape, vague, -mystic, unsubstantial; the power of my suppressed talent revealed -itself in light visions. I spoke for hours, without interruption, -drawing inspiration from two pairs of eyes, which gazed at me -fascinated. I felt as if my frail body was being consumed by the -burning fire of my imagination. I lost all sense of my corporeal -presence. - -Suddenly the sun rose, the myriads of islets which seem to be swimming -in the bay appeared enveloped in flames; the branches of the pines -glowed like copper, the slender needles yellow as sulphur; the -window-panes of the cottages, dotted along the shore, sparkled like -golden mirrors; the columns of smoke rising from the chimneys indicated -that breakfasts were being cooked; the fishing-boats were setting -sail to bring in the outspread nets; the seagulls, scenting the small -herring underneath the dark green waves, were screaming themselves -hoarse. But on the steamer absolute silence reigned. The travellers -were still fast asleep in their cabins, we alone were on deck. The -captain, heavy with sleep, was watching us from the bridge, wondering, -no doubt, what we could be talking about. - -At three o'clock in the morning the pilot cutter appeared from behind a -neck of land, and parting was imminent. - -Only a few of the larger islands now separated us from the open sea; -the swell of the ocean was already distinctly discernible; we could -hear the roar of the huge breakers on the steep cliffs at the extreme -end of the land. - -The time to say good-bye had arrived. They kissed one another, he and -she, full of painful agitation. She took my hand in hers and pressed it -passionately, her eyes full of tears; she begged her husband to take -care of me, and implored me to comfort him during her absence. - -I bowed, I kissed her hand without a thought of the proprieties, -oblivious of the fact that I was betraying my secret. - -The engines stopped, the steamer slowed down, the pilot took up his -position between decks. Two steps towards the accommodation ladder--I -descended, and found myself at the side of the Baron in the pilot -cutter. - -The steamer towered above our heads. Leaning against the rail, the -Baroness looked down upon us with a sad smile, her innocent eyes -brimming over with tears. The propeller slowly began to move, the giant -got under way again, her Russian flag fluttering in the breeze. We were -tossing on the rolling waves, waving our handkerchiefs. The little face -grew smaller and smaller, the delicate features were blotted out, two -great eyes only remained gazing at us fixedly, and presently they too -were swallowed up like the rest. Another moment and only a fluttering -bluish veil, attached to a Japanese hat, was visible, and a waving -white handkerchief; then only a white spot, a tiny white dot; now -nothing but the unwieldy giant, wrapped in grey smoke.... - -We went ashore at the Pilots and Customs Station, a popular summer -resort. The village was still asleep; not a soul was on the -landing-stage, and we turned and watched the steamer altering her -course to starboard, and disappearing behind the rocky island which -formed the last bulwark against the sea. - -As the steamer disappeared the Baron leaned against my shoulder, and I -fancied I could hear a sob; thus we stood for a while without speaking -a word. - -Was this excessive grief caused by sleeplessness--by the exhaustion -following a long vigil? Had he a presentiment of misfortune, or was it -merely the pain of parting with his wife? I couldn't say. - -We went to the village, depressed and taciturn, in the hope of getting -some breakfast. But the inn was not yet astir. We walked through the -street and looked at the closed doors, the drawn blinds. Beyond the -village we came upon an isolated spot with a quiet pool. The water was -clear and transparent, and tempted us to bathe our eyes. I produced -a little case and took from it a clean handkerchief, a toothbrush, a -piece of soap and a bottle of eau de Cologne. The Baron laughed at my -fastidiousness, but, nevertheless, availed himself gratefully of the -chance of a hasty toilet, borrowing from me the necessary implements. - -On returning to the village I noticed the smell of coal-smoke coming -from the direction of the alder trees on the shore. I implied by a -gesture that this was a last farewell greeting brought by the wind from -the steamer. But the Baron pretended not to understand my meaning. - -He was a distressing sight at breakfast, with his big, sleepy head -sunk on his breast, and his swollen features. Both of us suffered -from self-consciousness; he was in a gloomy mood and kept up an -obstinate silence. Once he seized my hand and apologised for his -absent-mindedness, but almost directly afterwards he relapsed into -gloom. I made every effort to rouse him, but in vain; we were out of -harmony, the tie between us was broken. An expression of coarseness -and vulgarity had stolen into his face, usually so frank and pleasant. -The reflection of the charm, the living beauty of his beloved wife had -vanished; the uncouth man had appeared. - -I was unable to guess at his thoughts. Did he suspect my feelings? To -judge from his behaviour he must have been a prey to very conflicting -emotions, for at one minute he pressed my hand, calling me his best, -his only friend, at the next he seemed oblivious of my presence. - -I discovered with a feeling of dismay that we only lived in her and for -her. Since our sun had set we seemed to have lost all individuality. - -I determined to shake him off as soon as we got back to town, but he -held on to me, entreating me to accompany him to his house. - -When we entered the deserted home, we felt as if we had entered a -chamber of death. A moisture came into our eyes. - -Full of confusion and embarrassment, I did not know what to do. - -"It's too absurd," I said at last, laughing at myself; "here are a -captain of the Guards and a royal secretary whimpering like---- - -"It's a relief," he interrupted me. - -He sent for his little girl, but her presence only aggravated the -bitter feeling of regret at our loss. - -It was now nine o'clock in the morning. He had come to the end of his -powers of endurance, and invited me to take a nap on the sofa while he -went to lie down on his bed. He put a cushion under my head, covered -me with his military cloak and wished me a sound sleep, thanking me -cordially for having taken compassion on his loneliness. His brotherly -kindness was like an echo of his wife's tenderness; she seemed to fill -his thoughts completely. - -I sank into a deep sleep, dimly aware, at the moment before losing -consciousness, of his huge form stealing to my improvised couch with a -murmured question as to whether I was quite comfortable. - -It was noon when I awoke. He was already up. He hated the idea of being -alone, and proposed that we should breakfast together in the Park. I -readily fell in with his suggestion. - -We spent the day together, talking about all sorts of things, but every -subject led us back to her on whose life our own lives seemed to have -been grafted. - - - - -III - - -I spent the two following days alone, yearning for the solitude of my -library, the cellars of which, once the sculpture rooms of the museum, -suited my mood. The large room, built in the rococo style and looking -on to the "Lions' Court," contained the manuscripts. I spent a great -deal of time there, reading at haphazard anything which seemed old -enough to draw my attention from recent events. But the more I read, -the more the present melted into the past, and Queen Christine's -letters, yellow with age, whispered into my ears words of love from the -Baroness. - -To avoid the company of inquisitive friends, I shunned my usual -restaurant. I could not bear the thought of degrading my tongue by -confessing my new faith before those scoffers; they should never know. -I was jealous of my own personality, which was henceforth consecrated -to her only. As I went through the streets, I had a vision of acolites -walking before me, their tinkling bells announcing to the passers-by -the approach of the Holy of Holies enshrined in the monstrance of my -heart. I imagined myself in mourning, deep mourning for a queen, and -longed to bid the crowd bare their heads at the passing of my stillborn -love, which had no chance of ever quickening into life. - -On the third day I was roused from my lethargy, by the rolling of drums -and the mournful strains of Chopin's Funeral March. I rushed to the -window and noticed the captain marching by at the head of his Guards. -He looked up at my window and acknowledged my presence with a nod and a -smile. The band was playing his wife's favourite piece, at his orders, -and the unsuspicious musicians had no inkling that they played it in -her honour for him and for me, and before an even less auspicious -audience. - -Half-an-hour later the Baron called for me at the library. I took him -through the passages in the basement, overcrowded with cupboards and -shelves, into the manuscript room. He looked cheerful, and at once -communicated to me the contents of a letter he had received from his -wife. All was going on well. She had enclosed a note for me. I devoured -it with my eyes, trying hard to hide my excitement. She thanked me -frankly and graciously for having looked after "her old man"; she said -she had felt flattered by my evident grief at parting, and added that -she was staying with my "guardian angel," to whom she was getting more -and more attached. She expressed great admiration for her character, -and, in conclusion, held out hopes of a happy ending. That was all. - -So she was in love with me, this "guardian angel" of mine! This -monster! The very thought of her now filled me with horror. I was -compelled to act the part of a lover against my will; I was condemned -to play an abominable farce, perhaps all my life long. The truth of the -old adage that one cannot play with fire without burning one's fingers -came home to me with terrible force. Caught in my own trap, I pictured -to myself in my wrath the detestable creature who had forced herself -upon me: she had the eyes of a Mongolian, a sallow face, red arms. -With angry satisfaction I recalled her seductive ways, her suspicious -behaviour, which more than once had set my friends wondering what -species of woman it was with whom I was seen so constantly walking -about the parks and suburbs. - -The remembrance of her tricks, her attentions, her flattering tongue, -gave me a kind of vicious pleasure. I remembered a way she had of -pulling out her watch and showing a little bit of dainty underclothing. -I remembered a certain Sunday in the Park. We were strolling along the -broad avenues when she all at once proposed that we should walk through -the shrubbery. Her proposal irritated me, for the shrubbery had an evil -reputation, but she answered all my objections with a short "Bother -propriety!" - -She wanted to gather anemones under the hazel bushes. She left me -standing in the avenue and disappeared behind the shrubs. I followed, -confused. She sat down in a sheltered spot under an alder tree, -spreading out her skirts and showing off her feet, which were small -but disfigured by bunions. An uncomfortable silence fell between -us. I thought of the old maids of Corinth.... She looked at me with -an expression of childlike innocence ... she was safe from me, her -very plainness saved her, and, moreover, I took no pleasure in easy -conquests. - -Every one of these details, which I had always put away from me as -odious, came into my mind and oppressed me, now that there seemed a -prospect of winning her. I prayed fervently for the comedian's success. - -But I had to be patient and hide my feelings. - -While I was reading his wife's note, the Baron sat down at the table, -which was littered with old books and documents. He was playing with -his carved ivory baton, absent-mindedly, as if he were conscious of -his inferiority in literary matters. He defeated all my attempts -to interest him in my work with an indifferent, "Yes, yes, very -interesting!" - -Abashed by the evidences of his rank, his neckpiece, the sash, the -brilliant uniform, I endeavoured to readjust the balance by showing off -my knowledge. But I only succeeded in making him feel uncomfortable. - -The sword versus the pen! Down with the aristocrat, up with the -commoner! Did the woman, when later on she chose the father of -her children from the aristocracy of the brain, see the future, -clairvoyantly, without being conscious of it? - -In spite of his constant efforts to treat me as his equal, the Baron, -without admitting it even to himself, was always constrained in my -presence. At times he paid due deference to my superior knowledge, -tacitly acknowledging his inferiority to me in certain respects; at -other times he would ride the high horse; then a word from the Baroness -was sufficient to bring him to his senses. In his wife's eyes the -inherited coat of arms counted for very little, and the dusty coat -of the man of letters completely eclipsed the full-dress uniform of -the captain. Had he not been himself aware of this when he donned a -painter's blouse and entered the studio at Duesseldorf as the least -of all the pupils? In all probability he had, but still there always -remained a certain refinement, an inherited tradition, and he was by no -means free from the jealous hatred which exists between students and -officers. - -For the moment I was necessary to him, as I shared his sorrow, and -therefore he invited me to dine with him. - -After the coffee he suggested that we should both write to the -Baroness. He brought me paper and pen, and compelled me to write to -her, against my will; I racked my brain for platitudes under which to -hide the thoughts of my heart. - -When I had finished my letter I handed it to the Baron and asked him to -read it. - -"I never read other people's letters," he answered, with hypocritical -pride. - -"And I never write to another man's wife without that man's full -knowledge of the correspondence." - -He glanced at my letter, and, with an enigmatical smile, enclosed it in -his own. - -I saw nothing of him during the rest of the week, until I met him one -evening at a street corner. He seemed very pleased to see me, and we -went into a cafe to have a chat. - -He had just returned from the country, where he had spent a few days -with his wife's cousin. Without ever having met that charming person, I -was easily able to draw a mental picture of her from the traces of her -influence on the Baron's character. He had lost his haughtiness and his -melancholy. There was a gay, somewhat dissipated look on his face, and -he enriched his vocabulary by a few expressions of doubtful taste; even -the tone of his voice was altered. - -"A weak mind," I said to myself, "swayed by every emotion; a blank -slate on which the lightest of women may write sense or folly, -according to her sweet will." - -He behaved like the hero in comic opera; he joked, told funny tales -and was in boisterous spirits. His charm was gone with his uniform; -and when, after supper, slightly intoxicated, he suggested that we -should call on certain female friends of his, I thought him positively -repulsive. With the exception of the neckpiece, the sash and the -uniform, he really possessed no attractions whatever. - -When his intoxication had reached its climax, he lost all sense -of shame and began to discuss the secrets of his married life. I -interrupted him indignantly and proposed that we should go home. He -assured me that his wife allowed him full license during her absence. -At first I thought this more than human, but later on it confirmed the -opinion I had formed of the Baroness's naturally frigid temperament. We -parted very early, and I returned to my room, my brain on fire with the -indiscreet disclosure which I had been made to listen to. - -This woman, although apparently in love with her husband, after a union -of three years not only permitted him every freedom, but did so without -claiming the same right for herself. It was strange, unnatural, like -love without jealousy, light without shade. No! it was impossible; -there must be another cause. He had told me the Baroness was naturally -cold. That, too, seemed strange. Or was she really an embodiment of -the virgin mother, such as I had already dimly divined? And was not -chastity, purity of the soul, so closely linked to refinement of -manners, a characteristic, an attribute of a superior race? I had not -been deceived, then, in my youthful meditations when a young girl -roused my admiration without in the least exciting my senses. Beautiful -childish dreams! Charming ignorance of woman, that problem unspeakably -more complex than a bachelor ever dreams of! - -At last the Baroness returned, radiant with health; the memories -awakened by meeting again the friends of her girlhood seemed to have -rejuvenated her. - -"Here is the dove with the olive branch," she said, handing me a letter -from my so-called sweetheart. - -With anything but genuine enjoyment I waded through the presumptuous -twaddle, the effusions of a heartless blue-stocking, anxious to win -independence by marriage--any marriage, and while I was reading I made -up my mind to put an end to the matter. - -"Do you know for certain," I asked the Baroness, "whether the lady is -engaged to the singer or not?" - -"Yes and no." - -"Has she given him her word?" - -"No." - -"Does she want to marry him?" - -"No." - -"Do her parents wish it?" - -"No." - -"Why is she so determined to marry him, then?" - -"Because ... I don't know." - -"Is she in love with me?" - -"Perhaps she is." - -"Then she is simply a husband-hunter. She has but one thought, to make -a bargain with the highest bidder. She doesn't know what love is." - -"What is love?" - -"A passion stronger than all others, a force of nature absolutely -irresistible, something akin to thunder, to rising floods, a waterfall, -a storm----" - -She gazed into my eyes, forgetting the reproaches which, in the -interest of her friend, had risen to the tip of her tongue. - -"And is your love for her a force like that?" she asked. I had a strong -impulse to tell her everything. - -But, supposing I did?... The bond between us would be broken, and, -without the lie which protected me from my criminal passion, I should -be lost. - -Afraid of committing myself, I asked her to drop the subject. I said -that my cruel sweetheart was dead as far as I was concerned, and that -all that remained for me to do was to forget her. - -The Baroness did her utmost to comfort me, but she did not cloak the -fact that I had a dangerous rival in the singer, who was on the spot -and in personal contact with his lady-love. - -The Baron, evidently bored by our conversation, interrupted us -peevishly, telling us that we should end by burning our fingers. - -"This meddling with other people's love affairs is utter folly!" he -exclaimed, almost rudely; the Baroness's face flushed with indignation. -I hastily changed the subject to avoid a scene. - -The ball had been set rolling. The lie, originally a mere whim, grew. -Full of apprehension and shame, I told myself fairy tales which I ended -in believing. In them I played the part of the ill-starred lover, a -part which came easy enough, for with the exception of the object of my -tenderness, the fairy tales agreed in every detail with reality. - -I was indeed caught in my own net. One day, on returning home, I found -"her" father's card. I returned his call at once. He was a little old -man, unpleasantly like his daughter, the caricature of a caricature. -He treated me in every way as he would his prospective son-in-law. He -inquired about my family, my income, my prospects. It was a regular -cross-examination. The matter threatened to become serious. - -What was I to do? Hoping to divert his attention from me, I made myself -as insignificant as possible in his eyes. The reason of his visit to -Stockholm was obvious. Either he wanted to shake off the singer, whom -he disliked, or the lady had made up her mind to honour me with her -hand if an expert should approve of her bargain. - -I showed myself from my most unpleasant side, avoided every opportunity -of meeting him, refused even an invitation to dinner from the Baroness; -I tired my unlucky would-be father-in-law out by giving him the slip -again and again, pleading urgent duty at the library, until I had -gained my purpose, and he departed before the appointed time. - -Did my rival ever guess to whom he was indebted for his matrimonial -misery when he married his bride-elect? No doubt he never knew, and -proudly imagined that he had ousted me. - -An incident which to some extent affected our destiny was the sudden -departure of the Baroness and her little daughter to the country. It -was in the beginning of August. For reasons of health she had chosen -Mariafred, a small village on the Lake of Maelar, where at the moment -the little cousin happened to be staying with her parents. - -This hurried departure on the day after her home-coming struck me as -very extraordinary; but, as it was none of my business, I made no -comment. Three days passed, then the Baron wrote asking me to call. He -appeared to be restless, very nervous and strange. He told me that the -Baroness would be back almost immediately. - -"Indeed!" I exclaimed, more astonished than I cared to show. - -"Yes!... her nerves are upset, the climate doesn't suit her. She has -written me an unintelligible letter which frightens me. I have never -been able to understand her whims ... she gets all sorts of fantastic -ideas into her head. Just at present she imagines that you are angry -with her!" - -"I!" - -"It's too absurd!" he continued, "but don't take any notice of it -when she returns; she's ashamed of her moods; she's proud, and if she -thought you disapproved of her, she would only commit fresh follies." - -"It has come at last," I said to myself; "the catastrophe is imminent!" -And from that moment my thoughts were bent on flight, for I had no -desire to figure as the hero of a romance of passion. - -I refused the next invitation, making excuses which were badly invented -and wrongly understood. The result was a call from the Baron; he -asked me what I meant by my unfriendly conduct? I did not know what -explanation to give, and he took advantage of my embarrassment and -exacted a promise from me to join them in an excursion. - -I found the Baroness looking ill and worn out; only the black eyes -in the livid face seemed alive and shone with unnatural brilliancy. I -was very reserved, spoke in indifferent tones and said as little as -possible. - -On leaving the steamer, we went to a famous hotel where the Baron had -arranged to meet his uncle. The supper, which was served in the open, -was anything but gay. Before us spread the sinister lake, shut in by -gloomy mountains; above our heads waved the branches of the lime trees, -the blackened trunks of which were over a hundred years old. - -We talked commonplaces, but our conversation was dull and soon -languished. I fancied that I could feel the after-effects of a quarrel -between my hosts, which had not yet been patched up and was on the -verge of a fresh outbreak. I ardently desired to avoid the storm, but, -unfortunately, uncle and nephew left the table to discuss business -matters. Now the mine would explode! - -As soon as we were alone the Baroness leaned toward me and said -excitedly-- - -"Do you know that Gustav is angry with me for coming back unexpectedly?" - -"I know nothing about it." - -"Then you don't know that he'd been building on meeting my charming -cousin on his free Sundays?" - -"My dear Baroness," I exclaimed, interrupting her, "if you want to -bring charges against your husband, hadn't you better do it in his -presence?" - -... What had I done? It was brutal, this harsh, uncompromising rebuke, -flung into the face of a disloyal wife in defence of a member of my own -sex. - -"How dare you!" she cried, amazed, changing colour. "You're insulting -me!" - -"Yes, Baroness, I am insulting you." - -All was over between us, for ever. - -As soon as her husband returned she hastened towards him, as if -she were seeking protection from an enemy. The Baron noticed that -something was wrong, but he could not understand her excitement. - -I left them at the landing-stage, pretending that I had to pay a visit -at one of the neighbouring villas. - -I don't know how I got back to town. My legs seemed to carry a lifeless -body; the vital node was cut, I was a corpse walking along the streets. - -Alone! I was alone again, without friends, without a family, without -anything to worship. It was impossible for me to recreate God. The -statue of the Madonna had fallen down; woman had shown herself behind -the beautiful image, woman, treacherous, faithless, with sharp claws! -When she attempted to make me her confidant, she was taking the first -step towards breaking her marriage vows; at that moment the hatred of -her sex was born in me. She had insulted the man and the sex in me, and -I took the part of her husband against her. Not that I flattered myself -with being a virtuous man, but in love man is never a thief, he only -takes what is given to him. It is woman who steals and sells herself. -The only time when she gives unselfishly is when she betrays her -husband. The prostitute sells herself, the young wife sells herself; -the faithless wife only gives to her lover that which she has stolen -from her husband. - -But I had not desired this woman in any other way than as a friend. -Protected from me by her child, I had always seen her invested with the -insignia of motherhood. Always seeing her at the side of her husband, I -had never felt the slightest temptation to indulge in pleasures which -are gross in themselves, and ennobled only by entire and exclusive -possession. - -I returned to my room annihilated, completely crushed, more lonely than -ever, for I had dropped my Bohemian friends from the very outset of my -relations with the Baroness. - - - - -IV - - -I occupied in those days a fairly large attic with two windows which -looked on the new harbour, the bay and the rocky heights of the -southern suburbs. Before the windows, on the roof, I had managed -to create a garden of tiny dimensions. Bengal roses, azaleas and -geraniums provided me in their turn with flowers for the secret cult -of my Madonna with the child. It had become a daily habit with me to -pull down the blinds towards the evening, arrange my flower-pots in a -semicircle, and place the picture of the Baroness, with the lamplight -full on it, amongst them. She was represented on this portrait as a -young mother, with somewhat severe, but deliciously pure features, her -delicate head crowned with a wealth of golden hair. She wore a light -dress which reached up to her chin and was finished off with a pleated -frill; her little daughter, dressed in white, was standing on a table -by the side of her, gazing at the beholder with pensive eyes. How many -letters "to my friends" had I not written before this portrait and sent -off on the following morning addressed to the Baron! These letters -were at that time the only channel into which I could pour my literary -aspirations, and my inmost soul was laid bare in them. - -To open a career for the erratic, artistic soul of the Baroness, I had -tried to encourage her to seek an outlet for her poetic imagination -in literary work. I had provided her with the masterpieces of -all literatures, had taught her the first principles of literary -composition by furnishing endless summaries, commentaries and -analyses, to which I added advice and practical illustrations. She had -been only moderately interested, for she doubted her literary talent -from the outset. I told her that every educated person possessed the -ability to write at least a letter, and was therefore a poet or author -_in posse_. But it was all in vain; the passion for the stage had taken -firm hold of her obstinate brain. She insisted that she was a born -elocutionist, and, because her rank prevented her from following her -inclination and going on the stage (an ardently desired contingency), -she posed as a martyr, heedless of the disastrous consequences which -threatened to overtake her home life. Her husband sympathised with my -benevolent efforts, undertaken in the hope of saving the domestic peace -of the family from shipwreck. He was grateful, although he had not the -courage to take an active and personal interest in the matter. The -Baroness's opposition notwithstanding, I had continued my efforts and -urged her in every letter to break the fateful spell which held her, -and make an effort to write a poem, a drama, or a novel. - -"Your life has been an eventful one," I said to her in one of my -letters; "why not make use of your own experience?" And, quoting from -Boerne, I added, "Take paper and pen and be candid, and you are bound to -become an authoress." - -"It's too painful to live an unhappy life all over again," she had -replied. "I want to find forgetfulness in art; I want to merge my -identity into characters different from my own." - -I had never asked myself what it was that she wanted to forget. I knew -nothing of her past life. Did she shrink from allowing me to solve the -riddle? Was she afraid of handing me the key to her character? Was -she anxious to hide her true self behind the personalities of stage -heroines, or did she hope to increase her own magnitude by assuming the -identities of her superiors? - -When I had come to the end of my arguments, I suggested that she should -make a start by translating the works of foreign authors; I told her -this would help to form her style and make her known to publishers. - -"Is a translator well paid?" she asked. - -"Fairly well," I replied, "if she knows her business." - -"Perhaps you will think me mercenary," she continued, "but work for its -own sake doesn't attract me." - -Like so many women of our time, she was seized with the mania of -earning her own living. The Baron made a grimace plainly indicative of -the fact that he would far rather see her taking an active interest -in the management of her house and servants, than contributing a few -shillings towards the expenses of a neglected home. - -Since that day she had given me no peace, begging me to find her a good -book and a publisher. - -I had done my utmost, and had succeeded in procuring for her two -quite short articles, destined for "Miscellaneous Items" in one of -the illustrated magazines, which did not, however, remunerate its -contributors. For a whole week I heard nothing of the work, which -could easily have been accomplished in a couple of hours. She lost her -temper when the Baron teasingly called her a sluggard; in fact, she was -so angry that I saw he had touched a very sore spot, and stopped all -further allusions, afraid of making serious mischief between the couple. - -This was how matters stood at the time of my rupture with her. - -... I sat in my attic with her letters before me on the table. As I -re-read them, one after the other, my heart ached for her. She was a -soul in torment, a power wasted, a voice unable to make itself heard, -just like myself. This was the secret of our mutual sympathy. I -suffered through her as if she were a diseased organ grafted on my -sick soul, which had itself become too blunted and dull to sense the -pleasure of exquisite pain. - -And what had she done that I should deprive her of my sympathy? In a -moment of jealousy she had complained to me of her unhappy marriage. -And I had repulsed her, I had spoken harshly to her, when I ought to -have reasoned with her; it would not have been an impossible task, for -hadn't her husband told me that she allowed him every licence? - -I was seized with an immense compassion for her; no doubt, in her -soul lay, shrouded in profound mystery, fateful secrets, physical and -psychical aberrations. It seemed to me that I should be guilty of -a terrible wrong if I let her come to ruin. When my depression had -reached its climax I began a letter to her, asking her to forgive me. -I begged her to forget what had happened, and tried to explain the -painful incident by a misunderstanding on my part. But the words would -not come, my pen refused to obey me. Worn out with fatigue, I threw -myself on my bed. - -The following morning was warm and cloudy, a typical August morning. -At eight o'clock I went to the library, melancholy and depressed. As I -had a key, I was able to let myself in and spend three hours in perfect -solitude before the general public began to arrive. I wandered through -the passages, between rows of books on either side, in that exquisite -solitude which is not loneliness, in close communion with the great -thinkers of all times. Taking out a volume here and there, I tried to -fix my mind on some definite subject in order to forget the painful -scene of yesterday. But I could not banish the desecrated image of the -fallen Madonna from my mind. When I raised my eyes from the pages, -which I had read without understanding a word, I seemed to see her, as -in a vision, coming down the spiral staircase, which wound in endless -perspective at the back of the galleries. She lifted the straight folds -of her blue dress, showing her perfect feet and slender ankles, looking -at me furtively, with a sidelong glance, tempting me to the betrayal -of her husband, soliciting me with that treacherous and voluptuous -smile which I had yesterday seen for the first time. The apparition -awakened all the sensuality which had lain dormant in my heart for the -last three months, for the pure atmosphere which surrounded her had -kept away from me all lascivious thoughts. Now all the passion which -burnt in me concentrated itself on a single object. I desired her. My -imagination painted for me the exquisite beauty of her white limbs. I -selected a work on art which contained illustrations of all the famous -sculptures in the Italian museums, hoping to discover this woman's -formula by systematic scientific research. I wanted to find out species -and genus to which she belonged. I had plenty to choose from. - -Was she Venus, full-bosomed and broad-hipped, the normal woman, who -awaits her lover, sure of her triumphant beauty? - -No! - -Juno, then, the fertile mother, who keeps her regal charms for the -marriage-bed? - -By no means! - -Minerva, the blue-stocking, the old maid, who hides her flat bosom -under a coat of mail? - -On no account! - -Diana then, the pale goddess of night, fearful of the sun, cruel in her -enforced chastity, more boy than girl, modest because she needs must be -so--Diana, who could not forgive Actaeon for having watched her while -bathing? Was she Diana? The species, perhaps, but not the genus! - -The future will speak the last word! With that delicate body, those -exquisite limbs, that sweet face, that proud smile, that modestly -veiled bosom, could she be yearning for blood and forbidden fruit? -Diana? Yes, unmistakably Diana! - -I continued my research; I looked through a number of publications on -art stored up in this incomparable treasure-house of the State, so as -to study the various representations of the chaste goddess. - -I compared; like a scientist, I proved my point, again and again -rushing from one end of the huge building to the other to find the -volumes to which I was being referred. - -The striking of a clock recalled me from the world of my dreams; my -colleagues were beginning to arrive, and I had to enter on my daily -duties. - -I decided to spend the evening at the club with my friends. On entering -the laboratory, I was greeted with deafening acclamations, which raised -my spirits. The centre of the room was occupied by a table dressed -like an altar, in the middle of which stood a skull and a large bottle -of cyanide of potassium. An open Bible, stained with punch spots, lay -beside the skull. Surgical instruments served as bookmarkers. A number -of punch-glasses were arranged in a circle all round. Instead of a -ladle a retort was used for filling the glasses. My friends were on the -verge of intoxication. One of them offered me a glass bowl containing -half-a-pint of the fiery drink, and I emptied it at one gulp. All the -members shouted the customary "Curse it!" I responded by singing the -song of the ne'er-do-wells-- - - Deep potations - And flirtations - Are life's only end and aim ... - -After this prelude an infernal row arose, and, amid shouts of applause, -I delivered myself of a stream of vulgar platitudes, abusing and -insulting women in high-flown verses, mixed with anatomical terms. -Intoxicated with the coarse suggestions, the vulgar profanation, I -surpassed myself in heaping insults on the head of my Madonna. It -was the morbid result of my unsatisfied longing. My hatred for the -treacherous idol broke out with such virulence that it afforded me a -sort of bitter comfort. My messmates, poor devils, acquainted with love -in its lowest aspect only, listened eagerly to my vile denunciations of -a lady of rank, who was utterly beyond their reach. - -The drunkenness increased. The sound of men's voices delighted my ears -after I had passed three months amid sentimental whining, mock modesty -and hypocritical innocence. I felt as if I had torn off the mask, -thrown back the veil under which Tartuffe concealed his cupidity. In -imagination I saw the adored woman indulging every whim and caprice, -merely to escape the boredom of a dull existence. All my insults, my -infamous invectives and abuse I addressed to her, furious with the -power in me which successfully strove against my committing a crime. - -At this moment the laboratory appeared to me to be a hallucination of -my over-excited brain, the temple of monstrous orgies in which all -the senses participated. The bottles on the shelves gleamed in all -the colours of the rainbow: the deep purple of red lead; the orange -of potash, the yellow of sulphur, the green of verdigris, the blue of -vitriol. The atmosphere was thick with tobacco smoke; the smell of -the lemons, used in brewing the punch, called up visions of happier -countries. The piano, intentionally out of tune and badly treated, -groaned Beethoven's march in a manner which made it unrecognisable. The -pallid faces of the revellers see-sawed in the blue-black smoke which -rose from, the pipes. The lieutenant's sash, the black beard of the -doctor of philosophy, the physician's embroidered shirt front, the -skull with its empty sockets; the noise, the disorder, the abominable -discords, the lewd images evoked, bewildered and confused my maddened -brain, when suddenly, with one accord, there arose a cry uttered by -many voices-- - -"To the women, you men!" - -The whole assembly broke into the song-- - - Deep potations - And flirtations - Are life's only end and aim ... - -Hats and overcoats were donned, and the whole horde trooped out. -Half-an-hour later we had arrived at our destination. The fires in -the huge stoves spluttered and crackled, stout was ordered, and the -saturnalias, which rendered the remainder of the night hideous, began. - - - - -V - - -When I awoke on the following morning in my own bed in broad daylight, -I was surprised to find that I had regained complete mastery over -myself. Every trace of unhealthy sentimentality had disappeared; the -cult of the Madonna had been forgotten in the excesses of the night. I -looked upon my fantastic love as a weakness of the spirit or the flesh, -which at the moment appeared to me to be one and the same thing. - -After I had had a cold bath and eaten some breakfast, I returned to my -daily duties, content that the whole matter was at an end. I plunged -into my work, and the hours passed rapidly. - -It was half-past twelve when the porter announced the Baron. - -"Is it possible?" I said to myself, "and I had been under the -impression that the incident was closed!" - -I prepared myself for a scene. - -The Baron, radiant with mirth and happiness, squeezed my hand -affectionately. He had come to ask me to join in another excursion -by steamer, and see the amateur theatricals at Soedertaelje, a small -watering-place. - -I declined politely, pleading urgent business. - -"My wife," he recommenced, "would be very pleased if you could manage -to come.... Moreover, Baby will be one of the party...." Baby, the -much-discussed cousin.... - -He went on urging me in a manner at once irresistible and pathetic, -looking at me with eyes so full of melancholy that I felt myself -weakening. But instead of frankly accepting his invitation, I replied -with a question-- - -"The Baroness is quite well?" - -"She wasn't very well yesterday; in fact, she was really ill, but she -is better since this morning. My dear fellow," he added after a slight -pause, "what passed between you the night before last at Nacka? My wife -says that you had a misunderstanding, and that you are angry with her -without any reason." - -"Really," I answered, a little taken aback, "I don't know myself. -Perhaps I had a little too much to drink. I forgot myself." - -"Let's forget all about it then, will you?" he replied briskly, "and -let us be friends as before. Women are often strangely touchy, as you -know. It's all right, then; you'll come, won't you? To-day at four. -Remember, we are counting on you...." - -I had consented!... - -Unfathomable enigma! A misunderstanding!... But she had been ill!... -Ill with fear ... with anger ... with.... - -The fact that the little unknown cousin was about to appear upon the -scene added a new interest, and with a beating heart I went on board -the steamer at four o'clock, as had been arranged. - -The Baroness greeted me with sisterly kindness. - -"You're not angry with me because of my unkind words?" she began. "I'm -very excitable...." - -"Don't let us speak about it," I replied, trying to find her a seat -behind the bridge. - -"Mr. Axel ... Miss Baby!..." - -The Baron was introducing us. I was looking at a girl of about -eighteen, of the soubrette type, exactly what I had imagined. She -was small, very ordinary-looking, dressed simply, but with a certain -striving after elegance. - -But the Baroness! Pale as death, with hollow cheeks, she looked more -fragile than ever. Her bangles jingled at her wrists; her slender neck -rose from her collar, plainly-showing the blue arteries winding towards -the ears which, owing to the careless way in which she had arranged her -hair, stood out from her head more than usual. She was badly dressed, -too. The colours of her frock were crude, and did not blend. I could -not help thinking that she was downright plain, and, as I looked at -her, my heart was filled with compassion, and I cursed my recent -conduct towards her. This woman a coquette? She was a saint, a martyr, -bearing undeserved sorrow. - -The steamer started. The lovely August evening on the Lake of Maelar -tempted one to peaceful dreams. - -Was it accidental or intended? The little cousin and the Baron were -sitting side by side at a distance sufficiently great to prevent our -overhearing each other. Leaning towards her, he talked and laughed -incessantly, with the gay, rejuvenated face of an accepted lover. - -From time to time he looked at us, slyly, and we nodded and smiled back. - -"A jolly girl, the little one, isn't she?" remarked the Baroness. - -"It seems so," I answered, uncertain how to take her remark. - -"She knows how to cheer up my melancholy husband. I don't possess that -gift," she added, with a frank and kindly smile at the group. - -And as she spoke the lines of her face betrayed suppressed sorrow, -tears held back, superhuman resignation; across her features glided, -cloud-like, those incomprehensible reflections of kindness, resignation -and self-denial, common to pregnant women and young mothers. - -Ashamed of my misinterpretation of her character, tortured by remorse, -nervous, I suppressed with difficulty the tears which I felt rising to -my eyes. - -"But aren't you jealous?" I asked, merely for the sake of saying -something. - -"Not at all," she answered, quite sincerely and without a trace of -malice. "Perhaps you'll think it strange, but it's true. I love my -husband; he is very kind-hearted; and I appreciate the little one, for -she's a nice girl. And there is really nothing wrong between them. -Shame on jealousy, which makes a woman look plain; at my age one has to -be careful." - -And, indeed, she looked so plain at that moment that it wrung my -heart. Acting thoughtlessly, on impulse, I advised her, with fatherly -solicitude, to put a shawl round her shoulders, pretending that I was -afraid of her catching cold. She let me arrange the fleecy fabric round -her face, framing it, and transforming her into a dainty beauty. - -How pretty she was when she thanked me smilingly! A look of perfect -happiness had come into her face; she was grateful like a child begging -for caresses. - -"My poor husband! How glad I am to see him a little more cheerful! He -is full of trouble!... If you only knew!" - -"If I'm not indiscreet," I ventured, "then, for Heaven's sake, tell -me what it is that makes you so unhappy. I feel that there is a great -sorrow in your life. I have nothing to offer you but advice; but, if I -can in any way serve you, I entreat you to make use of my friendship." - -My poor friends were in financial difficulties: the phantom of -ruin--that ghastly nightmare!--was threatening them. Up to now the -Baron's inadequate income had been supplemented by his wife's dowry. -But they had recently discovered that the dowry existed on paper only, -it being invested in worthless shares. The Baron was on the point of -sending in his papers, and looking out for a cashier's billet in a bank. - -"That's the reason," she concluded, "why I want to make use of the -talent I possess, for then I could contribute my share to the necessary -expenses of the household. It's all my fault, don't you see? I'm to -blame for the difficulties in which he finds himself; I've ruined his -career...." - -What could I say or do in such a sad case which went far beyond my -power of assistance? I attempted to smooth away her difficulties, to -deceive myself about them. - -I assured her that things would come all right, and, in order to -allay her fears, I painted for her the picture of a future without -cares, full of bright prospects. I quoted the statistics of national -economy to prove that better times were coming in which her shares -would improve; I invented the most extraordinary remedies; I conjured -up a new army organization which would bring in its train unexpected -promotion for her husband. - -It was all pure invention, but, thanks to my power of imagination, -courage and hope returned to her, and her spirits rose. - -After landing, and while we were waiting for the commencement of the -play, we went for a walk in the Park. I had not, as yet, exchanged -one word with the cousin. The Baron never left her side. He carried -her cloak, devoured her with his eyes, bathed her in a flood of -words, warmed her with his breath, while she remained callous and -self-possessed, with vacant eyes and hard features. From time to -time, without apparently moving a muscle of her face, she seemed to -say things to which the Baron replied with shrieks of laughter, and, -judging from his animated face, she must have been indulging pretty -freely in repartee, innuendoes and double-entendres. - -At last the doors opened, and we went in to take our seats, which had -not been reserved. - -The curtain rose. The Baroness was blissfully happy to see the stage, -smell the mingled odours of painted canvas, raw wood, rouge and -perspiration. - -They played _A Whim_. A sudden indisposition seized me, the result -of the distressing memories of my vain efforts to conquer the stage, -and also, perhaps, the consequence of the excesses of the previous -night. When the curtain fell, I left my seat and made my way to the -restaurant, where I refreshed myself with a double-absinthe, and -remained until the performance was over. - -My friends met me after the play, and we went to have supper together. -They seemed tired, and unable to hide their annoyance at my flight. -Nobody spoke a word while the table was being laid. A desultory -conversation was started with the greatest difficulty. The cousin -remained mute, haughty, reserved. - -We discussed the menu. After consulting with me, the Baroness ordered -_hors d'oeuvres_. Roughly--too roughly for my unstrung nerves, the -Baron countermanded the order. Lost in gloomy thoughts, I pretended not -to hear him, and called out "_Hors d'oeuvres_ for two!" for her and for -me, as she had originally ordered. - -The Baron grew pale with anger. There was thunder in the air, but not -another word was spoken. - -I inwardly admired my courage in thus answering a rudeness with an -insult, bound to have serious consequences in any civilised country. -The Baroness, encouraged by the way in which I had stood up for her, -began teasing me in order to make me laugh. But in vain. Conversation -was impossible; nobody had anything to say, and the Baron and I -exchanged angry glances. In the end my opponent whispered a remark in -his neighbour's ear; in reply she made a grimace, nodded, pronounced a -few syllables without moving her lips, and regarded me scornfully. - -I felt the blood rising to my head, and the storm would have burst -there and then if an unexpected incident had not served as a lightning -conductor. - -In an adjacent room a boisterous party had been strumming the piano -for the last half-hour; now they began singing a vulgar song, with the -doors standing wide open. - -The Baron turned to the waiter: "Shut that door," he said curtly. - -The door had hardly been closed when it was again burst open. The -singers repeated the chorus, and challenged us with impertinent remarks. - -The moment for an explosion had arrived. - -I jumped up from my chair; with two strides I was at the door and -banged it in the faces of the noisy crew. Fire in a powder-barrel could -not have had a more rousing effect than my determined stand against the -enemy. - -A short struggle ensued, during which I kept hold of the door-handle. -But the door yielded to the vigorous pull from the other side, and I -was dragged towards the howling mob, who threw themselves upon me, -eager for a hand-to-hand tussle. - -At that moment I felt a touch on my shoulder, and heard an indignant -voice asking "these gentlemen whether they had no sense of honour, that -they attacked in a body one single opponent?"... - -It was the Baroness who, under the stress of a strong emotion, -forgetting the dictates of convention and good manners, betrayed warmer -feelings than she probably was aware of. - -The fight was over. The Baroness regarded me with searching eyes. - -"You're a brave little hero," she said. "I was trembling for you." - -The Baron called for the bill, asked to see the landlord and requested -him to send for the police. - -After this incident perfect harmony reigned amongst us. We vied in -expressions of indignation about the rudeness of the natives. All the -suppressed wrath of jealousy and wounded vanity was poured on the heads -of those uncouth louts. - -And later on, as we sat drinking punch in one of our own rooms, our old -friendship burst into fresh flames; we forgot all about the police, -who, moreover, had failed to put in an appearance. - -On the following morning we met in the coffee-room, full of high -spirits, and in our inmost hearts glad to have done with a disagreeable -business, the consequences of which it would have been difficult to -foretell. - -After the first breakfast we went for a walk on the banks of the canal, -in couples, and with a fair distance between us. When we had arrived at -a lock where the canal made a strong curve, the Baron waited and turned -to his wife with an affectionate, almost amorous smile. - -"D'you remember this place, Marie?" he asked. - -"Yes, yes, my dear, I remember," she answered, with a mingled -expression of passion and sadness. - -Later on she explained his question to me. - -"It was here where he first told me of his love ... one evening, under -this very birch-tree, while a brilliant shooting-star flashed across -the sky." - -"That was three years ago," I completed her explanation, "and you are -reviving old memories already. You live in the past because the present -doesn't satisfy you." - -"Oh, stop!" she exclaimed; "you've taken leave of your senses.... I -loathe the past, and I am grateful to my husband for having delivered -me from a vain mother whose doting tyranny was ruining me. No, I adore -my husband, he's a loyal friend to me...." - -"As you like, Baroness; I'll agree with anything, to please you." - -At the stated hour we went on board to return to town, and after a -delightful passage across the blue sea, with its thousands of green -islands, we arrived in Stockholm, where we parted. - -I had made up my mind to return to work, determined to tear this love -out of my heart, but I soon found that I had reckoned without forces -much stronger than myself. On the day after our excursion I received -an invitation to dinner from the Baroness; it was the anniversary of -her wedding-day. I could not think of a plausible excuse, and, although -I was afraid of straining our friendship, I accepted the invitation. -To my great disappointment, I found the house turned upside down, -undergoing the process of a general cleaning; the Baron was in a bad -temper, and the Baroness sent her apologies for the delayed dinner. I -walked up and down the garden with her irritable, hungry husband, who -seemed unable to control his impatience. After half-an-hour's strenuous -effort my powers of entertaining him were exhausted, and conversation -ceased. He took me into the dining-room. - -Dinner was laid, and the appetisers[1] had been put on the table, but -the mistress of the house was still invisible. - -"If we took a snack standing," said the Baron, "we should be able to -wait." - -Afraid of offending the Baroness, I did my utmost to dissuade him, but -he remained obstinate, and being, as it were, between two fires, I was -compelled to acquiesce in his proposal. - -At last the Baroness entered: radiant, young, pretty; she was dressed -in a diaphanous silk frock, yellow, like ripe corn, with a mauve -stripe, reminiscent of pansies; this was her favourite combination of -colours. The well-cut dress suited her girlish figure to perfection, -and emphasised the beautiful contour of the shoulders and the curve of -the exquisitely modelled arms. - -I handed her my bunch of roses, wishing her many happy returns of the -day; I also took good care to put all the blame for our rude impatience -on the Baron. - -When her eyes fell on the disordered table, she pursed up her lips -and addressed a remark to her husband which was more stinging than -humorous; he was not slow to reply to the undeserved rebuke. I threw -myself into the breach by recalling the incidents of the previous day -which I had already discussed with the Baron. - -"And what d'you think of my charming cousin?" asked the Baroness. - -"She's very amiable," I replied. - -"Don't you agree with me, my dear fellow, that the child is a perfect -treasure?" exclaimed the Baron, in a voice which expressed parental -solicitude, sincere devotion and pity for this imp of Satan, supposed -to be martyred by imaginary tyrants. - -But in spite of the stress laid by her husband on the word "child," the -Baroness continued mercilessly-- - -"Just look how that dear Baby has changed the style in which my husband -does his hair!" - -The parting which the Baron had been accustomed to wear had indeed -disappeared. Instead of it, his hair was dressed in the manner of the -young students, his moustache waxed--a style which did not suit him. -Through an association of ideas, my attention was drawn to the fact ---which, however, I kept to myself--that the Baroness, too, had adopted -from the charming cousin certain details of dressing her hair, of -wearing her clothes, of manner even. It made me think of the elective -affinities of the chemists, in this case acting on living beings. - -The dinner dragged on, slowly and heavily, like a cart which has lost -its fourth wheel, and wearily lumbers along on the three remaining -ones. But the cousin, henceforth the indispensable complement of our -quartet, which, without her, was beginning to be out of harmony, was -expected to come later on and take coffee with us. - -At dessert I proposed a toast to the married couple, in conventional -terms, without spirit or wit, like champagne which has grown flat. - -Husband and wife, animated by the memories of the past, kissed -tenderly, and, in mimicking their former fond ways, became -affectionate, amorous even, just as an actor will feel genuinely -depressed when he has been feigning tears. - -Or was it that the fire was still smouldering underneath the ashes, -ready to burst into fresh flames if fanned by a skilful hand? It was -impossible to guess how matters stood. - -After dinner we went into the garden and sat in the summer-house, the -window of which looked on to the street. Digestive processes did not -favour conversation. The Baron stood at the window, absent-mindedly -watching the street, in the hope of catching a glimpse of the cousin. -Suddenly he darted off like an arrow, evidently with the intention of -going to meet the expected guest. - -Left alone with the Baroness, I at once became embarrassed; I was not -naturally self-conscious, but she had a queer way of looking at me and -paying me compliments on certain details of my appearance. After a -long, almost painful silence, she burst out laughing, and pointing in -the direction in which the Baron had disappeared, she exclaimed-- - -"Dear old Gustav, he is head-over-ears in love!" - -"It looks like it," I replied. "And you are really not jealous?" - -"Not at all," she assured me. "I'm in love myself with the pretty -little cat. And you?" - -"Oh, I'm all right. I don't want to be rude, but I shall never feel in -the least in sympathy with your cousin." - -And this was true. From the first moment I had taken a dislike to -this young woman, who, like myself, was of middle-class origin. She -saw in me the odious witness, or rather the dangerous rival, hunting -in the preserves which she had reserved for herself, and from which -she hoped to force her way into society. Her keen grey eyes had at -once recognised in me an acquaintance of whom she could make no -use; her plebeian instinct scented an adventurer in me. And up to a -certain point she was right, for I had entered the Baron's house in -the hope of finding a patron for my unfortunate drama; unluckily, the -relations between my friends and the stage were non-existent, a mere -fabrication of my friend from Finland, and, with the exception of a few -compliments, my play had never been mentioned. - -It was also undeniable that there was a marked difference in the -Baron's manner whenever his charmer was present. He was fickle and -easily impressed, and evidently beginning to regard me with the eyes of -the sorceress. - -We had not long to wait; the pair appeared at the garden gate, merrily -talking and laughing. - -The girl was brimming over with fun and merriment; she used bad -language, a little too freely perhaps, but with excellent taste; she -uttered double-entendres with such an appearance of perfect innocence -that it was impossible to credit her with the knowledge of the meaning -of her ambiguous words. She smoked and drank without forgetting for one -single moment that she was a woman, and, what is more, a young woman. -There was nothing masculine about her, nothing emancipated, nor was -she in the least prudish. She was certainly amusing, and time passed -quickly. - -But what surprised me most and ought to have been a warning to me, -was the excessive mirth with which the Baroness greeted any doubtful -remark which fell from the girl's lips. Then a wild laugh, a cynical -expression would flit over her countenance, giving evidence that she -was deeply versed in the secrets of excess. - -While we were thus amusing ourselves, the Baron's uncle joined our -little party. A retired captain, a widower of many years' standing, -very chivalrous, of pleasing manners, a little daring in his -old-fashioned courteousness, he was, thanks to his connection with the -family, the declared favourite of these ladies, whose affections he had -succeeded in winning. - -He looked upon it as his right to fondle them, kiss their hands, pat -their cheeks. As he came in, both of them fell on his neck with little -exclamations of pleasure. - -"Take care, my little ones! Two at a time is too much for an old fellow -like me. Take care! You are burning yourselves. Quick, down with your -hands, or I won't be responsible for anything." - -The Baroness held her cigarette, poised between her lips, towards him. - -"A little fire, please, uncle!" - -"Fire! Fire! I'm sorry I can't oblige you, my child, my fire has gone -out," he answered slyly. - -"Has it?" - -She boxed his ears with her finger-tips. The old man seized her arm, -held it between his hands and felt it up to her shoulder. - -"You're not as thin as you look, my darling," he said, stroking her -soft flesh through her sleeve. - -The Baroness did not object. The compliment seemed to please -her. Playfully, smilingly, she pushed up her sleeve, exposing a -beautifully-modelled arm, daintily rounded and white as milk. Almost -immediately, however, remembering my presence, she hastily pulled it -down again; but I had seen a spark of the consuming fire which burned -in her eyes, an expression which comes into the face of a woman in the -transports of love. - -The burning match which I held between my fingers, with the intention -of lighting a cigarette, accidentally dropped between my coat and -waistcoat. - -With a terrified scream, the Baroness rushed at me and tried to -extinguish the flame between her fingers. - -"Fire! Fire!" she shrieked, her cheeks scarlet with excitement. - -Losing my self-control, I started back and pressed her hand against -my breast, as if to smother the smouldering fire; then, shamefacedly -releasing myself and pretending that I had escaped a very real danger, -I thanked the Baroness, who was still unable to control her agitation. - -We talked till supper-time. The sun had set, and the moon rose behind -the cupola of the Observatory, illuminating the apple trees in the -orchard. We amused ourselves by trying to differentiate between the -apples suspended from the branches and half-hidden by the leaves, -which looked sedge-green in the pale moonlight. The ordinary blood-red -Calville seemed but a yellow spot; the greyish Astrachan apple had -turned green, the Rennet a dark, brownish red, and the others had -changed colour in proportion. The same thing had happened with the -flowers. - -The dahlias presented to our eyes unknown tints, the stocks shone in -the colours of another planet, the hues of the Chinese asters were -indefinable. - -"There, you see, Baroness," I said, commenting on the phenomenon, "how -everything in the world is imaginary. Colour does not exist in the -abstract; everything depends on the nature of the light. Everything is -illusion." - -"Everything?" she said softly, remaining standing before me and gazing -at me with eyes magnified by the darkness. - -"Everything, Baroness!" I lied, confused by this living apparition of -flesh and blood, which at the moment terrified me by its unearthly -loveliness. - -The dishevelled golden hair formed a luminous aureole round her pale, -moonlit face; her exquisitely proportionate figure rose by my side, -tall and straight and more slender than ever in the striped dress, the -colours of which had changed to black and white. - -The stocks breathed their voluptuous perfumes, the crickets chirped -in the grass, wet with the falling dew, a gentle breeze rustled in -the trees, twilight wrapped us round with its soft mantle; everything -invited to love; nothing but the cowardice of respectability kept back -the avowal which trembled on my lips. - -Suddenly an apple dropped from a wind-shaken bough and fell at our -feet. The Baroness stooped, picked it up and gave it to me, with a -significant gesture. - -"Forbidden fruit!" I murmured. "No, thank you." And to efface the -impression of this blunder, which I had committed against my will, I -hastened to improvise a satisfactory explanation of my words, hinting -at the parsimony of the owner. "What would the owner say if he saw me?" - -"That you are at least a knight without reproach," she replied -disapprovingly, glancing at the shrubbery which effectively screened -the Baron and her cousin from indiscreet observers. - -When we rose from the supper-table the Baron proposed that we should -accompany "the dear child" home. At the front door he offered her his -arm, and then turned to me. - -"Look after my wife, old man," he said, "and prove to her that you -really are the perfect cavalier I know you to be." His voice was full -of tender solicitude. - -I felt ill at ease. As the evening was warm the Baroness, leaning -lightly on me, was carrying her scarf in her hand, and from her arm, -the graceful outline of which was plainly perceptible through the thin -silk, emanated a magnetic current which excited in me an extraordinary -sensitiveness. I imagined that I could detect, at the height of my -deltoid muscle, the exact spot where the sleeve of her under-garment -ended. My sensitiveness was intensified to such a degree that I could -have traced the whole anatomy of that adorable arm. Her biceps, the -great elevator which plays the principal part when two people embrace -each other, pressed mine, flesh against flesh, in supple rhythms. In -walking along, side by side, I could distinguish the curve of her hips -through the skirts which brushed against my legs. - -"You walk splendidly, you must be a perfect dancer," she said, as if to -encourage me to break an embarrassing silence. - -And after a few moments, during which she must have felt the quivering -of my overstrung nerves, she asked, a little sarcastically, with the -superiority of a woman of the world-- - -"Are you shivering?" - -"Yes, I'm cold." - -"Then why not put on your overcoat?" - -Her voice was soft and velvety, like a caress. - -I put on my coat, a veritable straight jacket, and so was better -protected against the warmth which flowed from her body into mine. - -The sound of her little feet, keeping time with my footsteps, drew our -nervous systems so closely together that I felt almost as if I were -walking on four feet, like a quadruped. - -In the course of that fateful walk a pruning occurred of the kind which -gardeners call "ablactation," and which is brought about by bringing -two boughs into the closest proximity. - -From that day I no longer belonged to myself. She had inoculated me -with her blood; our nerves were in a state of high tension; the unborn -lives within her yearned for the quickening fiat which would call them -into existence; her soul craved for union with my spirit, and my spirit -longed to pour itself into this delicate vessel. Had all this happened -to us without our knowledge? Impossible to say. - -Once more back in my room, I determinately faced the question of the -future. Should I flee from danger and forget, should I try to make -my fortune abroad? The idea flashed through my mind to go to Paris, -the centre of civilisation. Once there, I would bury myself in the -libraries, be lost in the museums. In Paris I should produce a great -work. - -No sooner had I conceived this plan, than I took the necessary steps to -carry it out. After a month had elapsed I was in a position to pay my -farewell visits. - -An unexpected incident which happened very opportunely served as a -convenient pretext with which to cloak my flight. Selma, my whilom -Finnish friend, was having her banns published. I was, therefore, so to -speak, compelled to seek forgetfulness and healing for my wounded heart -in distant countries. Anyhow, it was as good an excuse as any I could -think of. - -My departure was delayed for a few weeks in deference to the entreaties -of my friends, who were dreading the equinoctial gales; I had decided -to go by steamer to Havre. - -Furthermore, my sister's wedding was to take place early in October, -and this necessitated a further postponement of my project. - -During this time I received frequent invitations from the Baroness. -The cousin had returned to her parents, and the three of us generally -spent the evenings together. The Baron, unconsciously influenced by the -strong will of his wife, seemed more favourably disposed towards me; -moreover, my impending departure had reassured him completely, and he -treated me with his former friendliness. - -One evening the Baroness's mother was entertaining a small circle of -intimate friends, when the Baroness, stretched out listlessly on the -sofa, suddenly put her head on her mother's lap and loudly confessed -her intense admiration for a well-known actor. Did she want to torture -me, to see the effect which such a confession would have on me? I don't -know. But the old lady, tenderly stroking her daughter's hair, looked -at me. - -"If ever you write a novel," she said, "let me draw your attention to -this particular type of passionate womanhood. It's an extraordinary -type! She's never happy unless she is in love with some one else beside -her husband." - -"It's quite true what mamma says," agreed the Baroness, "and just at -present I'm in love with that man! He's irresistible!" - -"She's mad," laughed the Baron, wincing, yet anxiously trying to appear -unconcerned. - -Passionate womanhood! The words sank into my heart, for, jesting apart, -those words spoken by an old woman, and that old woman her own mother, -must have contained more than a grain of truth. - - -[1] Note of the translator: It is customary in Sweden to begin dinner -with savoury sandwiches, which are usually placed on a side-table. -These sandwiches are intended to excite the appetite of the diners, and -are called "appetisers." - - - - -VI - - -My departure was imminent. On the eve of my leaving I invited the Baron -and his wife to a bachelor's dinner in my attic. To hide the meanness -of the furniture, my little home was wearing its Sunday clothes, and -had the appearance of a sacred temple. My damaged wicker sofa was -pushed against the wall between the two window recesses, one of which -was filled by my writing-table and the improvised garden, the other by -my book-shelves; an imitation tiger-skin was thrown over it, and held -in its place by invisible tacks. - -The left was taken up by my large bed-sofa, with its gaudy tick cover. -Above it, on the side wall, hung a vividly-coloured map of the world. -On the right-hand side stood my chest of drawers with its swing glass, -both in the Empire style and decorated with brass ornaments; a wardrobe -with a bust of plaster of Paris and a wash-stand, for the moment -banished behind the window curtains, completed the furniture. The -walls, with their decorations of framed sketches, made a gay and varied -show. - -A china chandelier, of the shape which is occasionally met with in -churches and which I had discovered at an antiquary's, was suspended -from the ceiling. The cracks were skilfully concealed by a wreath of -artificial ivy which I had found some little time ago at my sister's. -Beneath the three-armed chandelier stood the dining-table. A basket -filled with Bengal roses, which glowed red among the dark foliage, was -placed on the white damask tablecloth, and the roses, reaching up to -and mingling with the drooping ivy shoots, gave the whole the effect -of a flower show. Round the basket which held the roses stood an array -of wine glasses, red, green and opal, which I had bought cheaply, at a -sale, for each of them had a flaw. The same thing applied to the dinner -service: plates, salt-cellars and sugar-bowl of Chinese, Japanese and -Swedish porcelain. - -I had but a dozen cold dishes to offer to my friends, most of them -chosen more with an eye to their decorative value than because they -were good to eat, for the meal was to consist principally of oysters. -My landlady had good-naturedly lent me the indispensable articles for -the banquet, an unprecedented event in my attic.... At last everything -was satisfactorily arranged, and I could not help admiring the setting: -these mingled touches betrayed on a small scale the inspiration of a -poet, the research of a scientist, the good taste of an artist. The -fondness for dainty food, the love of flowers, suggested the love of -women. If the table had not been laid for three, one might have guessed -at an intimate feast for two, the first delights of a love-adventure, -instead of a feast of reconciliation which it actually was. My room had -not seen a female visitor since that horrible woman whose boots had -left ineradicable traces on the woodwork of my sofa. The looking-glass -on the chest of drawers had reflected no female figure since then. -And now a woman of blameless life, a mother, a lady of education and -refinement, was coming to consecrate this place which had seen so -much work, misery and pain. And, I thought in a transport of poetic -inspiration, it is indeed a sacred festival, since I am prepared to -sacrifice my heart, my peace, perhaps my life, to ensure the happiness -of my friends. - -Everything was ready when I heard footsteps on the fourth floor -landing. I hastily lit the candles, for the last time straightened the -basket containing the roses, and a moment later my guests, exhausted -with having climbed four flights of stairs, stood panting before my -door. - -I opened. The Baroness, dazzled by the lights, clapped her hands as if -she were admiring a successful stage setting. - -"Bravo!" she exclaimed, "you are a first-class stage manager." - -"Yes," I replied, "I occasionally amuse myself with play-acting, for -the sake of discipline and patience." - -I took off her cloak, bade her be welcome, and made her sit down on the -sofa. But she could not keep still. With the curiosity of a woman who -has never been in a bachelor's chambers, but has gone straight from her -father's house to that of her husband, she began to examine the room. -She seized my penholder, handled my blotter, searched about as if she -were determined to discover a secret. Strolling to my book-shelves, -she glanced curiously at the back of the volumes. In passing the -looking-glass she stopped for a few seconds to arrange her hair and -push the end of a piece of lace into the opening of her blouse. She -examined the furniture, piece by piece, and smelt the flowers, all the -time uttering little cries of delight. - -When she had finished her voyage of discovery round my room, she asked -me, naively, without any _arriere-pensee_, seeking with her eyes a -piece of furniture which appeared to be missing-- - -"But where do you sleep?" - -"On the sofa." - -"Oh, how jolly a bachelor's life must be!" - -And the forgotten dreams of her girlhood awoke in her brain. - -"It's often very dull," I replied. - -"Dull to be one's own master, have one's own home, be free from all -supervision! Oh, what would I not give to be independent! Matrimony is -abominable! Isn't it so, darling?" She turned towards the Baron, who -had been listening to her good-naturedly. - -"Yes, it _is_ dull," he agreed, smilingly. - -Dinner was ready and the banquet began. The first glass of wine made -us feel merry, but all of a sudden, remembering the occasion for our -unceremonious meeting, a feeling of sadness mingled with our enjoyment. -We began to talk of the pleasant days we had spent together. In -imagination we again passed through all the little adventures of our -excursions. And our eyes shone, our hearts beat more quickly, we shook -hands and clinked glasses with one another. - -The hours passed rapidly, and we realised with growing distress that -the moment of parting was approaching. At a sign from his wife the -Baron produced an opal ring from his pocket and held it out to me. - -"Here, my dear old fellow," he said, "take this little keepsake as a -token of our gratitude for the friendship which you have shown us. May -fate give you your heart's desire! This is my sincerest wish, for I -love you as a brother and respect you as a man of honour! A pleasant -journey! We will not say 'farewell,' but 'to the day of our next -meeting.'" - -As a man of honour? Had he guessed my motive? Read my conscience? Not -at all!... For in well-chosen words, anxious to explain his little -speech, he burst out into a string of abuse of poor Selma; he accused -her of having broken her word, of having sold herself to a man who ... -well, to a man whom she did not love, a man who owed his happiness -merely to my extraordinary decency. - -My extraordinary decency! I felt ashamed, but, carried away by the -sincerity of this simple heart, which judged a little too hastily, -perhaps, I suddenly felt very unhappy, inconsolably unhappy, and I kept -up the lie dressed in the outer semblance of truth. - -The Baroness, deceived by my clever acting, misled by my assumed -indifference, believed me to be in earnest, and with motherly -tenderness tried to comfort me. - -"Have done with her!" she urged; "forget all about her. There are -plenty of girls, far better than she is. Don't fret, she's not worth -crying for, since she couldn't even wait for you. Besides, I may tell -you now--I've heard things about her...." - -And with a pleasure which she was quite unable to conceal, she -proceeded to disgust me still further with my supposed idol. - -"Just think," she exclaimed, "she practically proposed to an officer of -good family, and she made herself out to be ever so much younger than -she is ... she's nothing but a common flirt, take my word for it." - -A disapproving gesture from the Baron made her realise her mistake; she -pressed my hand and apologised, looking at me with eyes so wistful and -tender that I felt as if I should die of grief. The Baron, slightly -intoxicated, made sentimental speeches, took me into his confidence, -overwhelmed me with brotherly love, attacked me with endless toasts, -which seemed to lose themselves in infinity. His swollen face beamed -benevolently. He looked at me with his caressing, melancholy eyes; -their glance dissipated every shadow of doubt of the sincerity of his -friendship which I might have entertained. Surely he was nothing but a -big, good-natured child, of unquestionable integrity; and I made a vow -to behave honourably towards him, even if it should kill me. - -We rose from the table to say good-bye, perhaps for ever. The Baroness -burst out sobbing, and hid her face on her husband's shoulder. - -"I must be mad," she exclaimed, "to be so fond of this dear boy that -his going away almost breaks my heart!" - -And with an outburst of affection, at once pure and impure, interested -and disinterested, passionate and full of angelic tenderness, she put -her arms round my neck and kissed me in her husband's presence; then -she made the sign of the cross over me and turned to go. - -My old charwoman, who was waiting on the threshold, wiped her eyes, and -we all shed tears. It was a solemn moment, never to be forgotten. The -sacrifice had been made. - - * * * * * - -I went to bed at one o'clock in the morning, but I was unable to sleep; -fear of missing the steamer kept me awake. Worn out by the farewell -parties which had been following one on the top of the other for a -week, my nerves unhinged from too much drinking, stupid from idleness, -overwrought by the excitement of the evening, I tossed between the -sheets until the day broke. Knowing that my will-power was temporarily -enfeebled, and loathing railway journeys, because the shaking and -jolting is injurious to the spine, I had elected to travel by steamer; -moreover, this would prevent any attempt on my part to draw back. The -boat was to start at six o'clock in the morning, and the cab called for -me at five. I started on my way alone. - -It was a windy October morning, foggy and cold. The branches of the -trees were covered with hoar frost. When I arrived on the North Bridge, -I imagined for a second that I was the victim of an hallucination: -there was the Baron, walking in the same direction as my cab. -Contrary to our agreement, he had risen early, and had come to see me -off. Deeply touched by this unexpected proof of friendship, I felt -altogether unworthy of his affection, and full of remorse for ever -having thought evil of him. - -We arrived at the landing-stage. He accompanied me on board, examined -my cabin, introduced himself to the captain, and recommended me to his -special attention. He behaved like an elder brother, a devoted friend, -and we said good-bye to each other, deeply moved. - -"Take care of yourself, old man," he said. "You are not looking well." - -I really felt quite ill, but I pulled myself together until the mooring -ropes were cast adrift. - -Then a sudden terror of this long and senseless journey seized me, a -frantic desire to throw myself into the water and swim to the shore. -But I had not the strength to yield to my impulse, and remained -standing on deck, undecided what to do, waving my handkerchief in -response to my friend's greeting until he disappeared, blotted out by -the vessels which rode at anchor in the roads. - -The boat was a heavily loaded cargo steamer, with but one cabin on the -main deck. I went to my berth, stretched myself on the mattress and -pulled the blankets over me, determined to sleep through the first -twenty-four hours, so as to prevent any attempt at escape on my part. -I must have been unconscious for half-an-hour, when I suddenly started -from my sleep as if I had received an electric shock, a very ordinary -result of dissipation and sleeplessness. - -In a second the whole dreary reality had flashed into my mind. I -went on deck to exercise my stiff limbs. I watched the barren brown -shores receding before my eyes, the trees stripped of their leaves, -the yellowish-grey meadows; in the hollows of the rocks snow was -already lying. The water looked grey with sepia-coloured spots; -the sky was leaden and full of gloom; the dirty deck, the uncouth -sailors--everything contributed to deepen my depression. I felt an -unspeakable longing for human companionship, but there did not appear -to be a single passenger--not one! I climbed on the bridge to look for -the captain. I found him a bear of the worst description, absolutely -unapproachable. I was a prisoner for ten days, solitary, cast away -among people without understanding, without feeling. It was torture. - -I resumed my walk on deck, up and down, in all directions, as if my -restless movements could increase the speed of the boat. My burning -brain worked under high pressure; a thousand ideas flashed into my mind -in a second; the suppressed memories rose, pushing and chasing each -other. A pain like toothache began to torment me, but in my confusion I -could neither describe nor locate it. The further the steamer advanced -into the open sea, the greater became the strain. I felt as if the bond -which bound me to my native country, to my family, to her, was tearing -asunder. Deserted by everybody, tossing on the high seas between heaven -and earth, I seemed to be losing all foothold, and in my loneliness I -felt afraid of everything and everybody. It was, doubtless, a sign of -constitutional weakness, for I remembered that as a boy I had cried -bitter tears on a pleasure trip, at the sudden thought of my mother; -I was twelve years old then, but, bodily, I was developed far in -advance of my years. The reason, in my opinion, was that I had been -born prematurely, or perhaps even attempts had been made to suppress -life before it could properly be said to have come into existence. Such -things happen only too frequently in large families. At any rate, I -felt sure that this was the cause of the despondency which invariably -overcame me when I was about to make a change in my surroundings. Now, -in tearing myself away from my familiar environment, I was tormented -with dread of the future, the unknown country, the ship's crew. -Impressionable, like every prematurely born child, whose exposed nerves -are waiting for the still bleeding skin; defenceless like a crab which, -having cast its shell, seeks protection underneath the stones, and -feels every change of the sinking barometer, I wandered about, trying -to find a soul stronger than mine, take hold of a firm hand, feel the -warmth of a human presence, look into a friendly eye. Like a squirrel -in its cage, I ran round the upper deck, picturing to myself the ten -days of suffering which awaited me. I remembered that I had only been -on board for an hour! A long hour, more like a day of agony ... and -not a glimmer of hope at the end of this accursed journey! I tried to -reason with myself, and all the time rebelled against reason. - -Who compelled me to go? Who had a right to blame me if I returned?... -Nobody! And yet!... Shame, the fear of making myself a laughing-stock, -honour! No! No! I must abandon all hope. Moreover, the boat would not -call anywhere on her way to Havre. Forward then, and courage! - -But courage depends on strength of body and mind, and at the moment I -lacked both. Haunted by my dreary thoughts, I turned towards the lower -deck, for by now I knew the upper deck down to its smallest details, -and the sight of its rails, rigging and tackling bored me like a book -read until one knows it by heart. On my way I almost tumbled over a -person seeking shelter from the wind behind the cabin. It was an old -lady, dressed in black, with grey hair and a careworn face. - -She gazed at me attentively, with sympathetic eyes. I walked up to -her and spoke to her. She answered me in French, and we soon became -acquainted. - -After the exchange of a few commonplaces, we confided to each other -the purpose of our journey. She was not travelling for pleasure. The -widow of a timber-merchant, she had been staying with a relative in -Stockholm, and was now on her way to visit her insane son, confined in -a lunatic asylum at Havre. - -Her account was so simple and yet so heartrending that it affected me -strongly, and probably her story, impressing itself on the cells of my -already overwrought brain, led up to what followed. - -All of a sudden the lady ceased talking, and, gazing at me with a look -of dismay, exclaimed, sympathetically-- - -"Are you ill?" - -"I?" - -"Yes, you look ill. You should try and get some sleep." - -"To tell you the truth, I never closed my eyes last night, and I am -over-tired. I've been suffering from sleeplessness for some time, and -nothing seems to be able to procure me the much-needed rest." - -"Let me try. Go to bed at once. I will give you a draught that will -send you to sleep standing." - -She rose, pushed me gently before her, and forced me to go to bed. -Then she disappeared for a moment and returned with a small flask, -containing a sleeping draught. She gave me a dose in a spoon. - -"Now you are sure to be able to sleep." - -I thanked her, and she carefully covered me with the blankets. How well -she understood what she was about! She radiated warmth, that warmth -which a baby seeks in the arms of its mother. Under the gentle touch of -her hands I grew calm, and two minutes later unconsciousness began to -steal over me. I seemed to have become an infant again. I saw my mother -busying herself round my bed and caring for me. Gradually her fading -features mingled and became one with the finely-chiselled face of the -Baroness and the sympathetic expression of the compassionate nurse who -had just left me. In the care of these women, who hovered round my -bed, I faded away like a paling colour, went out like a candle, lost -consciousness. - -When I awoke I did not remember any dream, but a fixed idea haunted -me, as if it had been suggested to me during my sleep: I must see the -Baroness again, or I shall go out of my mind! - -Shivering with cold, I sprang from my bed; the salt-laden wind, -penetrating through every chink and cranny, had made it damp. When I -stepped out of my cabin the sky was pale grey, like iron. On deck the -great waves washed the tackling, watered the planks and splashed my -face with foam. - -I looked at my watch and calculated the distance which the steamer -must have travelled while I slept. In my opinion we were now in the -archipelago of Norrkoeping; all hope of return was therefore dead. -Everything was strange to me, the scattered islands in the bay, the -rugged coast, the shape of the cottages dotted along the shore, and -the cut of the sails on the fishing-smacks. Amid these unfamiliar -surroundings I felt the first pangs of home-sickness. A sullen wrath -choked me, I felt a wild despair in finding myself packed on this -cargo-boat in spite of myself, in deference to a higher power, in the -imperious name of Honour! - -When my wrath had exhausted itself, my strength had come to an end. -Leaning against the rail, I let the waves lash my burning face, while -my eyes greedily devoured the coastline, eager to discover a ray of -hope. And again and again my mind returned to the idea of swimming to -the shore. - -For a long time I stood gazing at the swiftly-receding outlines of the -coast. The wind had dropped, and I grew calmer, rays of a tranquil -happiness illuminated my soul; the pressure on my surcharged brain -grew less; pictures of beautiful summer days, memories of my first -youth came into my mind, although I was at a loss to understand why I -should suddenly think of them. The boat was rounding a promontory: the -roofs of red houses with white garlands rose above the Scotch firs; a -flagstaff became visible, the gay patchwork of the gardens, a bridge, a -chapel, a church steeple, a graveyard.... Was it a dream? A delusion? - -No, it was the quiet seaside place where I had spent many summers in my -student days. Up there was the tiny house where I had passed a night, -last spring, with her and him, after we had spent the day sailing on -the sea and wandering through the woods. It was there--there--on the -top of that hill, under the ash-trees, on the balcony, where I had seen -her delicate face, illuminated by the sunshine of her golden hair, and -crowned by the little Japanese hat with the blue veil, while her small, -gloved hand had beckoned me to come to dinner.... She was there now, -I could see her plainly, she was waving her handkerchief to me.... I -could hear her melodious voice ... but ... what was happening? The -boat was slowing down, the engine stopped ... the pilot cutter came to -meet us ... in an instant ... a flash of thought--a single, obsessing -thought, moved me with electric force--with the spring of a tiger I -bounded up the stairs which led to the bridge--I stood before the -captain--I shouted-- - -"Have me put ashore at once--or I shall go mad!" - -The captain looked at me sharply, scrutinisingly, and without -vouchsafing a reply, dismayed as if he had looked into the face -of an escaped lunatic, he called to the second officer and said, -imperatively-- - -"Have this gentleman and his luggage put ashore. He is ill." - -Before five minutes had elapsed, I was on board the pilot cutter; they -rowed with such vigour that we landed in a very short time. - -I possess the remarkable gift of becoming blind and deaf when it suits -me. I was walking along the road leading to the hotel without having -heard or seen anything hurtful to my vanity; neither a glance from the -pilots, betraying that they guessed my secret, nor a disparaging remark -from the man who was carrying my luggage. - -Arrived at the hotel, I asked for a room, ordered an absinthe, lighted -a cigar and began to reflect. - -"Had I gone mad? Was I in such imminent peril of insanity that an -immediate landing had been necessary?" - -In my present state of mind I was incapable of forming an opinion, for -a madman, according to the verdict of the doctors, is not conscious of -his mental disorder, and the association of his ideas proves nothing -against their irregularity. Like a scientist, I examined similar -occurrences which had happened to me before. - -When I was still a boy at college, my nervous excitability, exaggerated -by exasperating events, passion, the suicide of a friend, distrust of -the future, had been increased to such an extent that everything filled -me with apprehension, even in broad daylight. I was afraid to stay in a -room by myself; I was haunted by my own spectre, and my friends took it -in turns to spend the night with me, while the candles burned and the -fire crackled in the stove. - -Another time, in an attack of wild despair, following on all sorts of -misfortunes, I ran across country, wandered through the woods, and at -last climbed to the top of a pine tree. There I sat astride on a branch -and made a speech to the Scotch firs which spread out their branches -below me, endeavouring to drown their voices, imagining that I was a -speaker addressing an assembled crowd. It was not so very far from -here, on an island where I had spent many summers, and the headland of -which was plainly visible from where I stood. - -Remembering that incident, with all its ridiculous details, I could -not help admitting to myself that, at any rate at times, I was subject -to mental delusions. - -What was I to do now? Should I communicate with my friends before the -rumour of my attack had reached the town? But the disgrace and shame -of having to acknowledge that henceforth I was on a level with the -irresponsible! The thought was unbearable. - -Lie, then! Double without being able to throw the pursuers off the -scent. It went against the grain. Tormented by doubts, hesitating -between different plans of escape from this maze, I longed to run away -in order to be spared the terrible questions which awaited me. Like -a wild beast which feels the approach of death, I thought of hiding -myself in the wood to die. - -With that idea in my mind, I went slowly through the narrow streets. -I climbed over huge rocks, saturated and rendered slippery by the -autumnal rains, crossed a stubble field, reached the little house where -I once had lived. The shutters were tightly closed; the wild vine -which covered the walls up to the roof was stripped of its leaves, -and the green lattice-work was plainly visible. As I stood again upon -that sacred spot, sacred to my heart because it had seen the first -blossoming of our friendship, the sense of my loss, which for a time -had been forced into the background, reasserted itself. Leaning against -one of the supports of the wooden balcony, I wept like a forsaken child. - -I remembered having read in the _Thousand and One Nights_ that lovers -fall ill with unsatisfied longing, and that their cure depends entirely -on the possession of the beloved one. Snatches of Swedish folk-songs -came into my mind, about young maidens who, in despair of ever being -united to the object of their affections, waste away, and bid their -mothers prepare their deathbeds for them. I thought of Heine, the old -sceptic, who sings of the tribe of the Asra, "who die when they love." -There could have been no doubt of the genuineness of my passion, for I -had gone back to childhood, obsessed by one thought, one picture, one -single, overpowering sensation, prostrating me and rendering me unable -to do anything but sigh. - -To distract my thoughts, I let my eyes travel over the glorious -landscape spread out at my feet. The thousands of islands bristling -with Scotch firs, with here and there a pine tree, which seemed to -swim in the enormous bay, gradually decreased in size and transformed -themselves into reefs, cliffs and sandbanks, until the huge archipelago -terminated at the grey-green line of the Baltic, where the breakers -dashed against the steep bulwarks of the remotest cliffs. - -The shadows of the drifting clouds fell in coloured strips on the -surface of the water, passing from dark brown through all the shades -of bottle-green and Prussian blue to the snowy white of the crested -waves. Behind a fortress, situated on a steep cliff, rose a column of -black smoke, ascending without a break from an invisible chimney, to be -blown down again by the wind on to the foaming waves. All of a sudden -the dark hull of the cargo-boat which I had just left came into view. -The sight wrung my heart, for the steamer seemed like a witness of my -disgrace. Like a shying horse, I bolted and fled into the wood. - -Underneath the pointed arches of the Scotch firs, through the needles -of which the wind whistled, my anguish increased. Here we had been -walking together when the spring sunshine lay on the tender green, -when the Scotch firs put forth their purple blossoms, which exhale a -perfume like that of the wild strawberry; when the juniper scattered -its yellow pollen into the wind; when the anemones pushed their white -heads through the dead leaves under the hazel bushes. Her little feet -had pressed the soft, brown moss, spread out like a rug, while with -a silvery voice she had sung her Finnish songs. Guided by the clear -light of remembrance, I found again the two gigantic trees, grown -together in an unending embrace; the two trunks were bending to the -violent gusts of the wind, and rubbed against each other with a grating -noise. From here she had taken a little footpath to gather a water-lily -which grew in a swamp. - -With the zeal of a setter I tried to discover the trace of her pretty -foot, the imprint of which, however light, I felt sure I could not -miss. With bent shoulders and eyes glued to the ground, I searched -the path without finding anything. The ground was covered with the -foot-prints of the deer, and I might just as well have tried to follow -the trail of a wood nymph, than discover the spot which the dainty shoe -of the adored woman had trod. Nothing but mud-holes, refuse, fungi, -toadstools, puff-balls, decaying and decayed, and the broken stalks of -flowers. Arrived at the edge of the swamp, which was filled with black -water, I found a certain fleeting comfort in the thought that it had -once reflected the sweetest face in all the world. In vain I looked for -the spot where the water lilies grew; it was covered up by dead leaves, -blown down by the wind from the birch trees. - -I retraced my footsteps and plunged into the heart of the forest; the -soughing of the wind in the branches deepened with the growing size -of the trees. In the very depth of despair I sobbed aloud, the tears -raining down my cheeks; like a wild stag I trampled on the fungi -and toadstools, tore up the young plants, dashed myself against the -trees. What did I want? I didn't know myself. My pulses throbbed, an -inexpressible longing to see her again came over me. She, whom I loved -too deeply for desire, had taken possession of my soul. And now that -everything was at an end, I longed to die, for life without her was -impossible. - -But, with the cunning of a madman, I decided to get some satisfaction -out of my death by contracting pneumonia, or a similar fatal disease; -for in that case, I argued, I should have to be in bed for some time; I -could see her again and could kiss her hand in saying good-bye for ever. - -Comforted by this sudden thought, I turned my steps towards the coast; -it was not difficult to find it, I had but to be guided by the roar of -the breakers, which led me across the wood. - -The coast was precipitous and the water deep, everything as it should -be. With careful attention, which betrayed nothing of my sinister -purpose, I undressed myself; I hid my clothes in a plantation of alder -trees and pushed my watch into a hole in the rock. The wind was cold; -at this time of the year, in October, the temperature of the water -could be but a few degrees above freezing-point. I took a run over -the rocks and threw myself headlong into the water, aiming at a cleft -between two gigantic waves. I felt as if I had fallen into red-hot -lava. But I rose quickly to the surface, dragging up with me pieces of -seaweed which I had glimpsed at the bottom, and the tiny vesicles of -which were scratching my legs. I swam out into the open sea, breasting -the huge waves, greeted by the laughter of the sea gulls and the cawing -of the crows. When my strength began to fail, I turned and swam back to -the cliff. - -Now the moment of greatest importance had arrived. According to all -instructions given to bathers, the real danger consists in remaining -too long out of the water in a state of nudity. I sat down on the rock -which was most fully exposed to the wind, and allowed the October gale -to lash my bare back. My muscles, my chest immediately contracted, as -if the instinct of self-preservation would protect the vital organs at -any price. But I was unable to remain on the same spot, and, seizing -the branch of an alder tree, I climbed to its top. The tree swayed -with the convulsive, uncontrollable movements of my muscles. In this -way I succeeded in remaining in the same place for some time. The icy -air scorched my skin like a red-hot iron. - -At last I was convinced that I had attained my end, and hastily dressed -myself. - -In the meantime night had fallen. When I re-entered the wood it was -quite dark. Terror seized me; I knocked my head against the lower -branches of the trees, and was obliged to feel my way along. Suddenly, -under the influence of my frantic fear, my senses became so acute -that I could tell the variety of the trees which surrounded me by the -rustling of their branches. What depth there was in the bass of the -Scotch firs, with their firm and closely-set needles, forming, as it -were, gigantic guitars; the tall and more pliable stems of the pines -gave a higher note; their sibilant fife resembled the hissing of a -thousand snakes; the dry rustling of the branches of the birch trees -recalled to me memories of my childhood, with its mingled griefs and -pleasures; the rustling of the dead leaves clinging to the branches -of the oaks sounded like the rustling of paper; the muttering of the -junipers was almost like the whispering voices of women, telling each -other secrets. The gale tore off the branch of an alder tree, and it -crashed to the ground with a hollow thud. I could have distinguished -a pine cone from the cone of a Scotch fir by the sound it made in -falling; my sense of smell detected the proximity of a mushroom, and -the nerves of my large toe seemed to feel whether it trod on soil, -clubmoss or maidenhair. - -Guided by the acuteness of my sensations, I came to the enclosure of -the graveyard, and walked up the wooden steps. I felt a momentary -pleasure in the sound of the weeping willow lashing the tombstones -which they overhung. At last, stiff with cold, shaking at every -unexpected noise, I reached the village and walked past the houses, -which shone feebly in the dark, to the hotel. - -As soon as I had arrived in my room I sent off a telegram to the Baron, -informing him of my sudden illness and enforced landing. Then I drew -up for him a full statement of my mental condition, mentioning my -former attacks, and asking him to keep the matter quiet. I gave him to -understand that my illness was caused by the conduct of my unfaithful -love, whose publicly announced engagement had robbed me of all hope. - -I went to bed exhausted, certain of having contracted a fatal fever. -Then I rang for the servant and asked her to send for a doctor. On -her reply that no doctor was available, I begged her to send for a -clergyman, so that I could make my last wishes known to him. - -And from that moment I was prepared to die or go out of my mind. - -The clergyman appeared almost immediately. He was a man about thirty, -and looked like a farm laborer in Sunday clothes. Red-haired and -freckled, with a half-vacant look in his eyes, he did not inspire me -with sympathy; for a long time I could find no words, for I did not -know what to say to this man, who possessed neither education, the -wisdom of age, nor a knowledge of the human heart. - -He remained standing in the centre of the room, self-conscious, like a -provincial in the presence of the inhabitant of a large city, until I -motioned him to take a chair. - -Then he began his cross-examination. - -"You have sent for me, sir? You are in trouble?" - -"Yes." - -"There is no happiness but in Jesus." - -Although I was hankering after quite another sort of happiness, I did -not contradict him, and the evangelist rambled on, uninterruptedly, -monotonously, verbosely. The old tenets of the catechism lulled me -gently to sleep, and the presence of a human being entering into -spiritual relationship with my soul gave me new strength. - -But the preacher, suddenly doubting my sincerity, interrupted his -discourse with a question-- - -"Do you hold the true faith?" - -"No," I replied, "but go on speaking, your words are doing me good...." - -And he returned to his work. - -The monotonous sound of his voice, the radiations from his eyes, the -warmth which emanated from his body, affected me like a magnetic fluid. -In half-an-hour's time I was fast asleep. - -When I awoke, the mesmerist had gone; the servant brought me a -sleeping-draught, with strict injunctions from the chemist to be -careful, as the bottle contained sufficient poison to kill a man. -Needless to say, as soon as she had turned her back, I drank the whole -contents of the flask at a gulp. Then, firmly determined to die, I -buried myself under the blankets, and sleep was not long in coming. - -When I opened my eyes on the following morning I was not in the least -surprised to find my room flooded by the rays of a brilliant sun, for -my sleep had been visited by bright and rosy dreams. - -"I dream, therefore I exist," I said to myself. I felt my body all -over, so as to discern the height of the fever, or the presence of any -signs of pneumonia. But, in spite of my firm resolution to bring about -a crisis, my condition was fairly normal. My brain, although a little -stupefied, functioned easily, no longer under the high pressure of the -previous day, and twelve hours' sleep had fully restored the vigor -which, thanks to bodily exercises of all descriptions, practised since -my early youth, I usually enjoyed. - -... A telegram was handed me. My friends were informing me that they -would arrive by the two o'clock boat. - -I was overwhelmed with shame. What was I to say? What attitude was I to -adopt?... I reflected.... - -My reawakened manhood rebelled against humiliating resolutions; after -a hasty review of the circumstances, I decided to remain at the hotel -until I had completely recovered, and continue my journey by the next -steamer. In this way honour would be saved, and the visit from my -friends would be but one more leave-taking--the very last. - -When I remembered what had occurred on the previous day, I hated -myself. That I, the strong-minded, the sceptic, should have committed -such absurdities! And that clergyman's visit! How was I to explain -that? It was true, I had only sent for him in his official capacity, -and, as far as I was concerned, he had but acted as a hypnotist! But to -outsiders it was bound to look like a conversion. Monstrous confessions -would very likely be hinted at, a criminal's last avowal of his crime -on his deathbed. What a pretty topic for the villagers who stood in -close communication with the town! What a treat for the porters! - -A trip abroad, undertaken at once, was the only way out of this -unbearable situation. Like a castaway, I spent the morning in walking -up and down before the verandah, watching the barometer, studying the -time-tables. Time passed fairly rapidly. The steamer appeared at the -mouth of the estuary before I had made up my mind whether to walk to -the landing-stage or remain at the hotel. As I had no desire to be -stared at by an inquisitive crowd, I at last went to my room. - -A few minutes later I heard the voice of the Baroness: she was making -inquiries of the landlady about my health. I went out to meet her, and -she almost kissed me before the eyes of all the by-standers. With a -heart full to overflowing, she deplored my illness, which she regarded -as the result of overwork, and advised me to return to town, and put -off my journey until the spring. - -She was beautiful to-day. In her closely-fitting fur coat, with its -long and supple hairs, she looked like a llama. The sea-breezes had -brought the blood to her cheeks, and in her eyes, magnified by the -excitement of her visit, I could read an expression of infinite -tenderness. In vain I begged her not to alarm herself on my account, -and assured her that I had almost fully recovered. She found that I -looked like a corpse, declared me unfit for work, and treated me like -a child. And how sweetly she played the part of a mother! The tone of -her voice was a caress; she playfully used terms of endearment; she -wrapped her shawl around me; at table she spread my dinner-napkin over -my knees, poured out some wine for me, looked after me in every way. I -wondered why she did not thus devote herself to her child rather than -to the man who was all the time striving to hide his passion, which -threatened to defy all control. - -In this disguise of the sick child, it seemed to me that I was like the -wolf who, after having devoured the grandmother, lies down on her bed -waiting for Little Red Riding-hood, that he may devour her also. - -I blushed before this unsophisticated and sincere husband, who -overwhelmed me with kindness, asked for no explanations. And yet I was -not at fault. I obstinately hardened my heart, and received all the -attentions which the Baroness showered on me with an almost insulting -indifference. - -At dessert, when the time for the return journey had come, the Baron -proposed that I should return with them. He offered me a room in his -house which, he said, was waiting to receive me. I am glad to say that -my answer was a decided refusal. Terrified at this dangerous playing -with fire, I was firm in my decision. I would stay here for a week to -recover entirely, and then return to town to my old attic. - -In spite of all their objections, I persisted. Strange; as soon as I -pulled myself together and made a determined stand, the Baroness became -almost hostile to me. The more I vacillated and humored her whims, the -fonder she seemed of me, the more she praised my wisdom, my amiability. -She swayed and bewildered me, but as soon as I opposed her seriously, -she turned her back on me and treated me with dislike, almost with -rudeness. - -While we were discussing the Baron's proposal to live under one roof, -she drew a glowing picture of such an arrangement, dwelling on the -pleasantness of being able to see one another at any time without a -previous invitation. - -"But, my dear Baroness," I objected, "what would people say if you were -to receive a bachelor into your young _menage_?" - -"What does it matter what people say?" - -"But your mother, your aunt? Moreover, my man's pride rebels against a -measure which is only permissible in the case of a minor." - -"Bother your man's pride! Do you think it manly to perish without -opening your lips?" - -"Yes, it behooves a man to be strong." - -She grew angry, and refused to admit that a man's case differed from -that of a woman. Her woman's logic confused my brain. I turned to the -Baron, whose answering smile showed plainly what a small opinion he had -of female brain-power. - -About six o'clock the steamer weighed anchor and bore my friends away. -I returned to the hotel alone. - -It was a splendid evening. The sun had set in an orange-coloured sky, -white stripes were lying on the deep blue water, a coppery moon was -rising behind the Scotch firs. - -I was sitting at a table in the dining-room, lost in thought, now -mournful, now serene, and did not notice the landlady until she stood -close by me. - -"The lady who's just left is your sister, isn't she?" she asked. - -"Not at all." - -"Isn't she? How strangely you resemble one another! I should have sworn -that you are brother and sister." - -I was not in the mood to continue such a conversation, but it left me -in a ferment of thoughts. - -Had my constant intercourse with the Baroness affected the expression -of her features? Or had the expression of her face influenced mine -during this six months' union of our souls? Had the instinctive desire -to please one another at any price been the cause of an unconscious -selection of gestures and expressions, suppressing the less pleasing -in favour of the more seductive? It was not at all unthinkable that a -blending of our souls had taken place, and that we no longer belonged -to ourselves. Destiny, or rather instinct, had played its fateful, -inevitable part; the ball had been set rolling, overthrowing and -destroying everything that barred its way: honour, reason, happiness, -loyalty, wisdom, virtue! - -... And this guilelessness to propose to receive under her roof an -ardent young man, a man of the age when the passions are so strong -that control is often almost impossible! Was she vicious, or had love -obscured her reason? Vicious! No, a thousand times no! I appreciated -her candid ways, her gaiety, her sincerity, her motherly tenderness. -That she was eccentric, that her mind was badly balanced, she had -herself acknowledged in speaking of her faults--but vicious? No! Even -the little tricks which she occasionally resorted to in order to -cheer me up were much more the tricks of a mature woman who amuses -herself by teasing and bewildering a timid youth, and then laughs at -his confusion, than those of a coquette whose object it is to excite a -man's passions. - -But I must exorcise the demon, and continue to mislead my friends. -I sat down at the writing-table and wrote a letter on the hackneyed -subject of my unhappy love affair. I added two impassioned poems -entitled "To Her"--poems which could be understood in two ways. It was -open to the Baroness to be annoyed. - -Letter and poems remained unanswered; perhaps the trick had grown -threadbare, perhaps the subject was no longer found interesting. - -The calm and tranquil days which followed hastened my recovery. The -surrounding landscape seemed to have adopted the favourite colours of -the adored woman. The wood, in which I had spent hours of purgatory, -now smiled on me. Never in my morning rambles did I find as much as the -shadow even of a painful memory lurking in its deep recesses, where -I had fought with all the demons of the human heart. Her visit, and -the certainty that I should see her again, had given me back life and -reason. - - - - -VII - - -Knowing from experience that nobody who returns unexpectedly is quite -welcome, it was not without a feeling of constraint, not without -misgivings, that I called on the Baroness as soon as I was back in town. - -In the front garden everything proclaimed the winter; the trees were -bare, the garden seats had been removed; there were gaps in the fence -where the gates had been; the wind was playing with the withered leaves -on the paths; the cellar holes were stuffed with straw. - -I found it difficult to breathe in the close atmosphere of the -drawing-room, heated by a tiled stove. Fixed to the walls, the stoves -had the appearance of sheets suspended from the ceiling, large and -white. The double-windows hung in their hinges, every chink was -pasted over with paper; the space between the inner and outer windows -was filled with snow-white cotton wool, giving the large room the -appearance of a death-chamber. In imagination I endeavoured to strip -it of its semi-fashionable furniture, and recall its former aspect of -rough homeliness. In those days the walls had been bare, the floor -plain deal; the memory of the black dinings table, which could boast of -no cover and with its eight legs resembled a huge spider, called up the -severe faces of my father and stepmother. - -The Baroness received me cordially, but her melancholy face betrayed -grief. Both uncle and father-in-law were there, playing cards with the -Baron in an adjoining room. I shook hands with the players, and then -returned with the Baroness into the drawing-room. She sat down in an -arm-chair underneath the lamp and took up some crochet work. Taciturn, -morose, not at all pretty, she left the conversation entirely to me, -and since she made no replies, it soon degenerated into a monologue. - -I watched her from my chimney comer as she sat with drooping head, -bending over her work. Profoundly mysterious, lost in thought, she -seemed at times oblivious of my presence. I wondered whether I had -called at an inconvenient time, or whether my return to town had really -created the unfavourable impression which I had half anticipated. All -at once my eyes, travelling round the room, were arrested by a display -of her ankles underneath the tablecloth. I beheld her finely-shaped -calf, clothed in a white stocking; a gaily embroidered garter belted -that charming muscle which turns a man's brain because it stimulates -his imagination and tempts him to the construction of the whole of the -remaining form. Her arched foot with its high instep was dressed in a -Cinderella's slipper. - -At the time I took it for an accident, but later on I learned that a -woman is always conscious of being looked at when she exhibits more -than her ankles. Fascinated by the sight I changed the conversation, -and aptly turned it on the subject of my supposed love affair. - -She drew herself up, turned towards me, and glanced at me sharply. - -"You can at least pride yourself on being a faithful lover!" - -My eyes remained riveted on the spot underneath the tablecloth, where -the snowy stocking shone below the cherry-coloured ribbon. With an -effort I pulled myself together; we looked at each other; her pupils -shone large in the lamplight. - -"Unfortunately I can!" I replied dryly. - -The sound of the falling cards and the exclamations of the players -accompanied this brief passage of arms. - -A painful silence ensued. She resumed her crochet work, and with a -quick movement allowed the skirts to drop over her ankles. The spell -was broken. My eyes were gazing at a listless woman, badly dressed. -Before another quarter of an hour had gone by I took my leave, -pretending that I did not feel well. - -As soon as I arrived in my attic I brought out my play, which I had -resolved to re-write. Hard work would help me to get over this hopeless -love, otherwise bound to end in a crime from which inclination, -instinct, cowardice and education made me shrink. And once more I -decided to break off these fatal relations. - -An unexpected incident came to my assistance: two days later the -cataloguing of a library, belonging to a collector who lived at some -distance from the town, was offered to me. - -And thus I came to pitch my tent in a spacious room, lined with books -up to the ceiling, of an old manor house dating from the seventeenth -century. Sitting there, I could let my imagination travel through -all the epochs of my country's history. The whole Swedish literature -was represented, from the old prints of the fifteenth century to -the latest publications. I gave myself up to my work, eager to find -forgetfulness--and I succeeded. A week had elapsed and I had never once -missed my friends. On Saturday, the day on which the Baroness generally -was "at home," an orderly brought me an invitation from the Baron, -full of friendly rebuke for having kept away from them so long. I was -half-pleased, half-sorry to find myself able to send an amiable refusal -in reply, regretting that my time was no longer my own. - -When a second week had gone by another orderly, in full dress, brought -me another communication; this time it came from the Baroness. It was -a rather curt request to call and see her husband, who, she said, was -laid up with a cold. She begged me to let them have news of me. It was -impossible to make further excuses, and so I went. - -The Baroness did not look well, and the slightly indisposed Baron -seemed bored. He was in bed, and I was asked to go and see him. The -sight of this Holy of Holies, which I had been spared up to now, -excited my instinctive repugnance; this sharing of a common room by a -married couple, this perpetual presence of a witness on the thousand -occasions which demand privacy, revolted me. The large bed which the -Baron occupied, brazenly proclaimed the intimacy of their union; the -heap of pillows, piled up by the side of the sick man, boldly marked -the wife's place. The dressing-table, the wash-stands, the towels, -everything struck me as being unclean, and I had to make myself blind -to overcome my disgust. - -After a few words at the foot end of the bed, the Baroness invited me -to take a glass of liqueur in the drawing-room, and, as if she had -divined them, she gave expression to my thoughts as soon as we were -alone. In short, disjointed sentences she poured out her heart to me. - -"Isn't it wretched?" - -"What?" - -"You know what I mean.... A woman's existence: without an object in -life, without a future, without occupation. It's killing me!" - -"But your child, Baroness! It will soon be time to begin her -education.... And she may have brothers and sisters...." - -"I will have no more children! Am I in the world for the sole purpose -of being a nurse?" - -"Not a nurse, but a mother in the highest meaning of the word, equal to -her task." - -"Mother or housekeeper! Thank you! One can hire a housekeeper! It's -easier. And then? How am I to occupy myself? I have two maids, -excellent substitutes. No! I want to live...." - -"Go on the stage?" - -"Yes!" - -"But that's out of the question!" - -"I know that only too well! And it irritates me, makes me stupid ... -kills me!" - -"What about a literary career? It's not in such bad repute as the -stage!" - -"The dramatic art is, in my opinion, the highest of all arts. Come -what may, I shall never cease to regret the fact that I have missed my -vocation. And what have I got in exchange?... A disappointment!" - -The Baron called to us, and we returned to his bedside. - -"What was she talking about?" he asked me. - -"We were talking about the theatre," I replied. - -"She's crazy!" - -"Not as crazy as you think," retorted the Baroness, and left the room, -slamming the door. - -"She doesn't sleep at night," began the husband, growing confidential. - -"No?" - -"She plays the piano, she lies on the sofa, or, rather, she chooses the -hours of the night to do her accounts. For heaven's sake, my dear young -sage, tell me what I'm to do to put an end to this madness!" - -"Perhaps if she had a large family?" I ventured. - -He pulled a face, then he tried to look unconcerned. - -"She was very ill after her first baby was born ... and the doctor has -warned her ... and moreover, children cost so much.... You understand?" - -I understood, and I took care not to refer again to the subject. I was -too young at the time to know that it is the patient who orders the -doctor what to prescribe for her. - -Presently the Baroness returned with her little girl, and began to put -her to bed in her small iron cot. But the little one refused to be -undressed, and began to scream. After a few futile attempts to calm -her, her mother threatened her with the rod. - -I cannot bear to see a child being punished without losing my temper. I -remembered on one such occasion raising my hand against my own father. -I allowed my anger to get the better of me, and interfered. - -"Allow me," I said ... "but do you think that a child cries without a -reason?" - -"She's naughty." - -"Then there's some cause for it. Perhaps she's sleepy, and our presence -and the lamplight irritate her." - -She agreed, taken aback, and, perhaps, conscious that her shrewish -conduct had produced an unfavourable impression on me. - -This glimpse of her home life cured me for some weeks of my love, and -I must confess that the scene with the rod had contributed more than -anything else to my disillusion. - -The autumn dragged on monotonously and Christmas drew near. The arrival -of a newly-married couple from Finland, friends of the Baroness, -brought a little more life in our relationship, which had lost much of -its charm. Thanks to the Baroness, I received numerous invitations, and -presented myself in evening dress at suppers, dinners and occasionally -even at a dance. - -While moving in this, her world, which in my opinion lacked dignity, -I could not help noticing that the Baroness, under cover of an -exaggerated candour, paid a great deal of attention to the young men, -watching me furtively all the while, however, to see the effect of her -conduct on me. Irritated and disgusted by her brazen flirtations, -which I considered bad form, I responded by a callouse indifference. -It hurt me that the woman whom I adored should behave like a vulgar -coquette. - -She always seemed to be enjoying herself immensely, and prolonged the -parties till the small hours of the morning; I became the more and more -convinced that she was discontented and bored with her home life; that -her longing for an artistic career was dictated by a petty vanity, -a desire to be seen and enjoy herself. Vivacious, full of exuberant -spirits, of a restless disposition, she possessed the art to shine; -she was always the centre of a crowd, more in consequence of a certain -gift to attract people than because of her natural charms. Her great -vitality, her nervous excitability, compelled the most refractory to -listen to her, to pay homage to her. And I also noticed that as soon -as her nervous force was exhausted, the spell was broken, and she was -left sitting alone and unnoticed in a quiet corner. Ambitious, yearning -for power, perhaps heartless, she took care that the men paid her every -attention; the society of women had no attraction for her. - -Doubtless, she had made up her mind to see me at her feet, doting, -vanquished, sighing. One day, after an evening of triumph, she told -one of her friends that I was head over ears in love with her. When -I called at her friend's house a short time afterwards, I stupidly -remarked that I had hoped to meet the Baroness. - -"Oh, indeed!" laughed the lady of the house, "you haven't come to see -me then! How unkind of you!" - -"Well, I haven't. To tell you the truth, I'm here by appointment." - -"A tryst, then!" - -"You may call it so, if you like! Anyhow, you'll give me credit for -having put in a prompt appearance!" - -The meeting had indeed been arranged by the Baroness. I had but carried -out her instructions in calling. She had given me away to save her own -skin. - -I paid her out by spoiling a number of parties for her, for my absence -robbed her of the enjoyment which she drew from the contemplation of -my sufferings. But I had to pay a heavy penalty! Watching the houses -to which I knew her to be invited, I plunged the dagger into my heart, -trembling with jealous rage whenever I saw her, in the arms of a -partner, gliding past the windows in her blue silk dress, with her -sunny curls rising and falling in the quick movements of the dance, -with her charming figure, on the tiniest feet in the world. - - - - -VIII - - -We had navigated the cape of the New Year and spring was approaching. -We had spent the winter in gay festivities, in intimate companionship, -the three of us. But it had all been very dreary: we had quarrelled -and become reconciled, fought battles and made armistices, teased one -another and become the best of friends again. I had stayed away and had -come back. - -Now March was near, a fateful month in the countries of the north, -because passion becomes all-powerful and the destinies of lovers -are fulfilled: vows are broken, the ties of honour, of family, of -friendship are set side. - -The Baron was on duty early in the month, and invited me to spend a day -with him at the guard-house. I accepted his invitation. A son of the -people, a descendant of the middle-classes, cannot but be impressed by -the insignia of the highest power in the land. At the side of my friend -I walked along the passage, continually saluted by passing officers; I -listened to the rattling of the swords; the "Who goes there?" of the -sentinels, the beating of the drums. We arrived at the guard-room. The -military decorations of the room stirred my imagination; the portraits -of the great generals filled me with reverence; the colours taken at -Luetzen and Leipzic, the new flags, the bust of the reigning king, the -helmets, the resplendent breast-pieces, the plans of battles, all these -roused in me that feeling of uneasiness which the lower classes feel in -contemplating the symbols of the ruling powers. And in his impressive -surroundings the personality of the captain became more imposing; I -kept close to his side in case any unpleasantness should arise. - -As we entered a lieutenant rose and saluted, standing, and I, too, felt -myself the superior of these lieutenants, the sworn foes of the sons of -the people, and the authors' rivals in the favour of the ladies. - -A soldier brought us a bowl of punch, and we lighted our cigars. The -Baron, anxious to amuse me, showed me the Golden Book of the regiment, -an artistic collection of sketches, water paintings and drawings, all -of them representing distinguished officers, who had during the last -twenty years belonged to the Royal Guards; portraits of the men who -had been the envy and admiration of my school friends, whom they had -aped in their boyish games. It tickled my middle-class instincts to see -all those favourites of fortune caricatured in this book, and counting -on the applause of the democratic Baron, I indulged in little sallies -at the expense of those disarmed rivals. But the boundary-line of the -Baron's democratic sympathies differed from mine, and he resented my -sallies; the spirit of caste prevailed: he turned the leaves more -quickly, and did not stop until he came to a large drawing representing -the insurrection of 1868. - -"Look at this!" he said, with a sarcastic smile, "how we charged into -that mob!" - -"Did you take part in it?" - -"Didn't I! I was on duty that day, and my orders were to protect the -stand opposite the monument which the mob was attacking. A stone hit -my helmet. I was Serving out the cartridges, when a royal messenger -on horseback arrived and stopped my little band from firing. But I -remained proof-butt and target for the stones thrown by the crowd. -That's all I ever got for my democratic sympathies." - -And after a pause he continued, still laughing and trying to catch my -eye-- - -"You remember the occasion?" - -"Perfectly," I said; "I was walking in the procession of the students." -But I did not mention the fact that I was one of that special mob on -which he had been so anxious to fire. My sense of justice had been -outraged because that particular stand had been reserved for a favoured -few and denied to the people on a public festival. I had been on the -side of the attacking party, and had not forgotten the stones which I -had flung at the soldiers. - -The moment I heard him pronounce the word "mob" with aristocratic -disdain, I remembered and understood my feeling of discomfort in -entering the enemy's fortress, and the sudden change which had come -over my friend's features at my sarcasms depressed me. The hatred -of race, the hatred of caste, tradition, rose between us like an -insurmountable barrier, and as I regarded him sitting there, the -sword between his knees--a sword of honour, the hilt of which was -ornamented with the name and crown of the royal giver--I felt strongly -that our friendship was but an artificial one, the work of a woman, -who constituted the only link between us. The haughty tone of his -voice, the expression of his face, seemed more and more in harmony -with his surroundings and took him further and further away from me. -To bridge over the gulf which separated us, I changed the conversation -and inquired after his wife and little daughter. Instantly his brow -cleared, his features relaxed and resumed their normal expression of -good-nature. Seeing him look at me with the benevolent eyes of the ogre -caressing Tom Thumb, I made bold to pull three hairs out of the ogre's -beard. - -"Cousin Matilda is expected at Easter, isn't she?" I asked. - -"She is." - -"I shall make love to her." - -He emptied his glass. "You can try," he sneered, with a murderous -scowl. - -"Try? Is it possible that her affections are otherwise engaged?" - -"Not ... that I know of! But ... I think I may say that.... Well, you -can try!" - -And with a tone of deepest conviction-- - -"You may be sure to get your money's worth!" - -This sneering remark was an insult, and roused my desire to defy him. -If I made love to that other woman, it might not only save me from my -criminal passion, but it would also give satisfaction to the Baroness, -whose legitimate feelings had been outraged. - -It had grown dark. I rose to go home. The captain accompanied me past -the sentinels. We shook hands at the barrier gate, which he slammed -after me as if he wanted to challenge me. - - * * * * * - -Spring had come. The snow had melted, the streets were free from -ice. Half-starved children were selling little bunches of liverwort -in the streets. The windows of the flower-shops glowed with azaleas, -rhododendron and other early blossoms; golden oranges gleamed in the -greengrocers' shops; lobsters, radishes and cauliflower appeared on -the costers' barrows. Under the North Bridge the waves reflected the -rays of the sun. On the quays the steamers were being newly rigged and -painted in sea-green and scarlet. The men who had grown weak in the -winter darkness, recovered in the sunlight. Woe to the weakling when -love gives free play to the long-restrained passions! - -The pretty little she-devil had arrived, and was staying with the -Baroness. - -I paid her a great deal of attention. She had apparently been informed -of my designs, and consequently she amused herself with me. We had been -playing a duet, and she was leaning against my left arm with her right -shoulder. The Baroness noticed it and winced. The Baron glared at me -with jealous rage. At one moment he was jealous of his wife, at the -next he accused me of flirting with the cousin. Whenever he left his -wife, to whisper in a corner to Matilda, and I started a conversation -with the Baroness, he lost his temper and interrupted our conversation -with an irrelevant question. I answered him with a sarcastic smile, and -sometimes I took no notice whatever of him. - -One evening we were all having supper in the strictest family circle. -The mother of the Baroness was present. She had grown fond of me, and -with the prevision frequently met with in old women, suspected that -something was going on behind the scenes. - -Following an impulse of motherly love, dreading some unknown danger, -she seized my hands, and holding me with her eyes said gravely-- - -"I'm sure that you're a man of honour. I don't know what's going on -in this house. But promise me that you will watch over my daughter, -my only child, and if ever anything should happen ... which must not -happen, promise that you will come to me and tell me everything." - -"I promise," I answered, and kissed her hand in the Russian fashion, -for she had been married to a Russian for many years and had been left -a widow not very long ago. - -And I shall keep my promise! - -We were dancing on the edge of a crater. The Baroness had grown pale, -emaciated, plain. The Baron was jealous, rude and insolent. If I stayed -away for a day or two, he sent for me; received me with open arms and -tried to explain everything by a misunderstanding, while in reality we -understood each other only too well. - -The Lord knows what was going on in this house! - -One evening the charming Matilda had retired into her bedroom to try -on a ball dress. The Baron quietly disappeared soon after, leaving me -alone with his wife. After half-an-hour had gone by, I asked what had -become of her husband? - -"He's playing lady's maid to Matilda," she replied. - -I understood. Presently, evidently regretting her words, she added-- - -"There's no harm in it; they're relations. One shouldn't be too ready -to think evil!" - -Then she changed her tone. - -"Are you jealous?" - -"Are you?" - -"Perhaps I shall be by and by." - -"God grant that you will be soon! It's the wish of a true friend." - -The Baron returned, and with him the girl, dressed in a pale green -evening dress, cut very low. - -I pretended to be dazzled by her appearance, and screening my eyes with -both my hands, exclaimed-- - -"Don't you know that it's dangerous to look at you?" - -"Isn't she lovely?" asked the Baroness in a strange voice. - -After a short time the couple withdrew, and for the second time we were -left by ourselves. - -"Why are you so unkind to me these days?" she asked, with tears in her -voice, gazing at me wistfully, with the eyes of an ill-treated dog. - -"I?... I had no idea that...." - -"You've changed towards me; I wonder why.... If I'm to blame in any -way...." - -She pushed her chair closer to mine, looked at me with luminous eyes, -trembled and ... I jumped up. - -"The Baron's absence is really extraordinary, don't you think so? This -confidence on his part is insulting!" - -"What d'you mean?" - -"It's not right of him to leave his wife alone with a young man and -shut himself up with a girl.... - -"You're right, it's an insult to me.... But your manners!..." - -"Never mind my manners! It's hateful! I shall despise you if you won't -be more jealous of your dignity.... What are those two doing?" - -"He's interested in Matilda's ball dress!" she answered, with an -innocent face and a fleeting smile. "What do you want me to do?" - -"A man doesn't assist a woman at her toilet unless there are certain -relations between them." - -"She is a child, he says, and looks upon him as a father." - -"I should never allow any children to play 'papa and mamma,' much less -grown-up people." - -The Baroness rose, went out of the room and returned with her husband. - -We spent the rest of the evening in making experiments with animal -magnetism. I made a few passes over her forehead, and she acknowledged -that it calmed her nerves. But all of a sudden, just as she was going -into a trance, she shook herself, started to her feet, and looked at me -with troubled eyes. - -"Let me go!" she exclaimed; "I won't! You are bewitching me!" - -"It's your turn now to try your magnetic powers," I said, and I -submitted to the same treatment to which I had subjected her. - -I sat with half-closed eyes; there was deep silence on the other side -of the piano; my glances strayed to the legs and the lyre-shaped pedal -of the instrument and ... I thought I must be dreaming, and sprang -up from my chair. At the same moment the Baron appeared from behind -the piano and offered me a glass of punch. The four of us raised our -glasses. The Baron looked at his wife-- - -"Drink to your reconciliation with Matilda," he pleaded. - -"Your health, little witch!" exclaimed the Baroness with a smile, and -turning to me she added-- - -"I must tell you we quarrelled about you!" - -For a moment I did not know how to reply. Then I asked her to explain -her words. - -"No, no! no explanation!" answered a chorus of voices. - -"That's a pity," I replied; "in my opinion we've been playing -'hide-and-seek' far too long." - -The rest of the evening passed amid general constraint. - -"Well, I don't care!" I muttered on my way home, searching my -conscience. - -What was the meaning of all this? Was it nothing but the innocent whim -of a fantastic mind? Two women quarrelling over a man! They must be -jealous, then. Was the Baroness mad that she gave herself away in such -a manner? I did not think so. I felt sure there was something else at -the bottom of it. - -"What _is_ going on in this house?" I asked myself, brooding over -the strange scene which had startled me in the evening, the very -improbability of which made me hesitate to believe that I had seen -anything really wrong. - -This senseless jealousy, the apprehension of the old mother, the love -of the Baroness, stimulated by the spring air, all this confused my -mind, seethed and fermented in my brain, and after spending a sleepless -night, I decided for a second time not to see her again, and so prevent -the threatening calamity. - -With this intention I arose in the morning and wrote her a sensible, -candid and humble letter; in carefully chosen language I protested -against an excessive abuse of friendship; firmly, without any -explanation, I asked for forgiveness of my sins, blamed myself for -having caused ill-feeling between relatives, and goodness knows what -else I said! - -The result was that I met the Baroness, as if by accident, on leaving -the library at my usual time. She stopped me on the North Bridge, and -we walked together through one of the avenues leading to Charles XII -Square. Almost with tears in her eyes she entreated me to come back, -not to ask for explanations, but just to be one of them again as in the -old days. - -She was charming this morning. But I loved her too dearly to compromise -her. - -"Leave me! You are ruining your reputation," I said, watching the -passers-by, whose curious glances embarrassed us. "Go home at once, or -I shall leave you standing here!" - -She looked at me with eyes so full of misery that I longed to kneel -down before her, kiss her feet and ask her forgiveness. - -But instead I turned my back on her and hastily disappeared down a side -street. - -After dinner I went home to my attic, glowing with the satisfaction of -a duty done, but with a broken heart. Her eyes haunted me. - -A short rest gave me back my determination. I rose and looked at the -almanac which hung on the wall. It was the thirteenth of March. "Beware -the Ides of March!" These famous words, which Shakespeare quotes in his -_Julius Caesar_, sounded in my ears as the servant entered, bringing me -a note from the Baron. - -In it he begged me to spend a lonely evening with him, saying that his -wife was not well and that Matilda was going out. - -I had not the nerve to refuse, and so I went. - -The Baroness, more dead than alive, met me in the drawing-room, pressed -my hand against her heart and thanked me warmly for having resolved not -to rob her of a friend, a brother, for the sake of a mere nothing, a -misunderstanding. - -"I really think she's going out of her mind," laughed the Baron, -releasing me from her hands. - -"I _am_ mad, I know, mad with joy that our friend has come back to us -after he had decided to leave us for ever." - -And she burst into tears. - -"She's been suffering a great deal," explained her husband, -disconcerted by this scene. - -And, indeed, she looked as if she were in a high fever. A sombre fire -burned in her eyes, which seemed to take up half of the little face; -her cheeks were of a greenish pallor. The sight of her hurt me. Her -frail body was shaken by fits of coughing. - -Her uncle and father-in-law arrived unexpectedly. The fuel in the -great stove was replenished, and we sat down before the fire, without -lighting the lamps, to enjoy the cosy hour of the gathering twilight. - -She took a seat by my side, while the three men began to talk politics. - -I saw her eyes shine through the dusk, I felt the warmth which radiated -from her body. - -Her skirts brushed against me, she leaned over to say something meant -for me alone, and attacked me with a whispered question-- - -"Do you believe in love?" - -"No!" - -My "no" struck her like a blow, for I had at the same time jumped up -and changed my seat. - -She must be mad, I thought; and afraid of a scene I suggested that we -should have the lamps lighted. - -During supper uncle and father-in-law discussed cousin Matilda -to their heart's content, praising her domesticity, her skill in -needlework. The Baron, who had drunk several glasses of punch, burst -out into extravagant eulogies and deplored, with alcoholic tears, the -unkind treatment to which the "dear child" was subjected at home. But -when apparently in the very depth of sympathetic sorrow, he suddenly -pulled out his watch and prepared to leave us, as if called away by the -stern voice of duty. - -"You must excuse me, gentlemen," he said, "but I have promised Baby to -meet her and see her home. Don't let me disturb you, I shall be back in -an hour." - -The old Baron, his father, vainly tried to detain him; his artful son -insisted on keeping his word and slipped away, after having extracted a -promise from me to await his return. - -We remained at table for another quarter of an hour and then went into -the drawing-room; the two old gentlemen soon left us and retired to the -uncle's room, which the nephew had fitted up for him a little while ago. - -I cursed fate for having caught me in a trap which I had done my utmost -to avoid. I steeled my throbbing heart; proudly, as a cock raises his -comb, I raised my head; my hair bristled like the hair of a sheep dog, -and I determined to crush at the outset any attempt to create a tearful -or amorous scene. - -Leaning against the stove I smoked my cigar, silent, cold and stiff, -awaiting events. - -The Baroness was the first to speak. - -"Why do you hate me?" - -"I don't hate you." - -"Remember how you treated me only this morning!" - -"Please, don't speak of it!" - -The unaccustomed rudeness of my replies, for which there was no -adequate reason, was a strategical error. She saw through me and -changed her tactics. - -"You wanted to run away from me," she continued. "Shall I tell you why -I suddenly went to Mariafred?" - -"Probably for the same reason for which I decided to go to Paris." - -"Then ... it's clear," she said. - -"And now?" - -I expected a scene. But she remained calm and regarded me mournfully. -I had to break the silence which was fraught with more danger than any -words could possibly contain. - -"Now that you know my secret," I said, "let me give you a word of -warning. If you want me to come here occasionally, you mustn't ever -lose your head. My love for you is of such an exalted nature, that I -could live contentedly at your side, without any other wish but to see -you. If you should ever forget your duty, if you should betray by as -much as a look the secret which lies locked in our hearts, then I shall -confess everything to your husband, come what will!" - -Carried away by my words, full of enthusiasm, she raised her eyes to -heaven. - -"I swear it to you!... How strong and good you are!... How I admire -you! Oh! but I'm ashamed! I should like to surpass your honesty ... -shall I tell Gustav everything?" - -"If you like ... but then we shall never meet again. After all, it's -not his business. The feelings which animate my heart are not criminal; -and even if he knew everything, would it be in his power to kill my -love! No! That I love the woman of my choice is my own affair as long -as my passion does not infringe the rights of another. However, do as -you please. I am prepared for anything!" - -"No, no! He must know nothing; and since he permits himself every -licence----" - -"There I don't agree with you! The cases are not identical. If he -chooses to degrade himself, so much the worse for him. But that's no -reason why----" - -"No, no!..." - -The ecstasy was over. We had come back to earth. - -"No! No!" I repeated. "And don't you agree that it's beautiful, new, -almost unique--to love, to tell one another of it.... Nothing else!" - -"It's as beautiful as a romance," she cried, clapping her hands like a -child. - -"But it doesn't generally happen like that in fiction!" - -"And how good it is to remain honest!" - -"The only thing to do!" - -"And we shall always meet as before, without fear----" - -"And without reproach----" - -"And without misunderstandings! And you are sure that Matilda is -nothing----" - -"Oh! hush!" - -The door opened. How commonplace! The two old gentlemen crossed the -drawing-room carrying a dark lantern. - -"Notice how life is a medley of petty troubles and divine moments!" I -said to her; "notice how reality differs from fiction. Could I dare -to draw a scene like this in a novel or a drama without being accused -of being humdrum? Just think--a confession of love without kisses, -genuflexions or protestations, terminated by the appearance of two -old men throwing the light of a dark lantern on the lovers! And yet -therein lies the secret of Shakespeare's greatness, who shows us Julius -Caesar in dressing-gown and slippers, starting from his sleep at night, -frightened by childish dreams." - -The bell rang. The Baron and pretty Matilda were returning home. As -he had a guilty conscience, he overwhelmed us with amiability. And I, -eager to show myself in my new part, told him a barefaced lie. - -"I've been quarrelling with the Baroness for the last hour!" - -He gave us a scrutinising look, full of vindictiveness, and scenting -the air like a hound, seemed to catch the wrong scent. - - - - -IX - - -What unparalleled guilelessness it argues to believe that there could -be love without passion! There was danger even in the secret which -existed between us. It was like a child conceived in secrecy, it grew -and strove to see the light. - -Our longing to meet and compare notes increased; we yearned to live -again through the last year in which we had been trying to deceive -one another. We resorted to all kinds of trickery. I introduced the -Baroness to my sister, who, having married the head-master of a school, -a man with an old, aristocratic name, in a way belonged to her set. - -We often met by appointment; our meetings were harmless to begin with, -but after a while passion sprang up and desire awoke. - -In the first days following our mutual confession, she gave me a packet -of letters, written partly before, partly after the thirteenth of -March. These letters, into which she had poured all her sorrow, all her -love, had never been intended to reach me. - - "_Monday_. - - "MY DEAR FRIEND, - - "I am longing to see you, to-day as always. I want to thank you - for listening to me yesterday without that sarcastic smile with - which it is now your rule to regard me! I turn to you trustfully, - at a moment when I am in dire need of your friendship, and you - cover your face with a mask. Why? Is it necessary that you should - disguise your feelings? You have yourself admitted in one of your - letters that it is a mask. I hope it is, I can see it is, and yet - it hurts me, for it makes me think that I have committed a fault - of some sort ... and I wonder: What is he thinking of me? - - "I am jealous of your friendship; I am afraid that some day you - might despise me. Tell me that it will never happen! You must be - good and loyal to me. You must forget that I am a woman--don't I - only too often forget it myself! - - "I was not angry with you for what you said yesterday, but it - surprised and pained me. Do you really believe me capable of - wanting to excite my husband's jealousy for the sake of taking a - mean revenge? Think of the danger to which I should expose myself - if I attempted to win him back through jealousy! What should I - gain? His anger would fall upon your head, and we should for ever - be separated! And what would become of me without you, who are - dearer to me than life! - - "I love you with a sister's tenderness, not with the whims of a - coquette.... It is true that I have known moments when I longed, - when it would have been heaven, to take your head into my hands, - to look deep into your dear eyes, so full of wisdom; and I am sure - I should have kissed you on your forehead, but never in your life - would you have received a purer kiss. - - "I am not responsible for my affectionate temperament, and if you - were a woman, I should love you just as much, provided that I - could respect a woman as highly as I respect you.... - - "Your opinion of Matilda makes me very happy. One has to be a - woman to be pleased about such a thing. But what am I to do? Think - of my position in case everybody sided with her! And I am to - blame for whatever happens. I encouraged this flirtation because - I considered it no more serious than a child's game. Feeling - sure of his affection, I allowed my husband perfect liberty. The - consequences have proved my error.... - - - "_Wednesday_. - - "He is in love with her and has told me so. The matter has - surpassed all limits, and I have laughed at it. ... Think: after - seeing you to the door, he came back to me, took my hands, - looked into my face--I trembled, for my conscience was not - clear--and said entreatingly: 'Don't be angry with me, Marie! I - love Matilda!' What was I to do? Should I cry or laugh? And he - confessed this to me, to me who am tormented by remorse, forced to - love you from afar, hopelessly! Oh, these stupid ideas of honour! - How senseless they are! Let him indulge his passion! You are my - dear love, and my woman's heart shall never get the better of me - and make me forget my duties as a wife and mother. But ... notice - the conflicting double nature of my feelings ... I love you both, - and I could never live without him, the brave, honest friend of my - heart ... nor without you either." - - "_Friday_. - - "At last you have lifted the veil which for so long has hidden the - secret of my heart. And you don't despise me! Merciful God! You - even love me. You have spoken the words which you had determined - to leave for ever unspoken. You love me! And I am a guilty woman, - a criminal, because I love you in return. May God forgive me! For - I love him too, and could not bear the thought of leaving him. - - "How strange it is!... To be loved! Loved tenderly! By him and - by you! I feel so happy, so calm, that my love cannot possibly - be a crime! Surely I should feel remorse if it were--or am I so - hardened? - - "How ashamed I am of myself! It was I who had to speak the first - word of love. My husband is here, he puts his arms round me, and I - let him kiss me. Am I sincere? Yes! Why did he not take care of me - while there was yet time? - - "The whole is like a novel. What will be the end? Will the heroine - die? Will the hero marry another? Will they be separated? And will - the end be satisfactory from a moral point of view? - - "If I were with you at this moment, I should kiss your brow with - the same devotion with which the devotee kisses the crucifix, and - I should put from me all baseness, all artificiality.... - -Was this hypocrisy, or did I deceive myself? Were they nothing but -passion, these semi-religious ecstasies? No, not passion only. The -desire of propagation has become more complicated, and even with the -lower animals moral characteristics are transmitted through sexual -love. Therefore love affects both body and soul, and one is nothing -without the other. If it were but passion, why should she prefer a -delicate, nervous, sickly youth to a giant like him? If it were only -the love of the soul, why this longing to kiss me, why this admiration -for my small feet, my well-shaped hands and nails, my intellectual -forehead, my abundant hair? Or were those hallucinations caused by the -intoxication of her senses, excited by her husband's excesses? Or did -she feel instinctively that an ardent youth like me would make her far -more happy than the inert mass which she called her husband? She was -no longer jealous of his body, therefore she had ceased looking upon -him in the light of a lover. But she was jealous of my person, and -therefore she was in love with me!... - -One day, when visiting my sister, the Baroness was seized with an -attack of hysterics. She threw herself on the sofa and burst into -tears, infuriated with the disgraceful conduct of her husband, who was -spending the evening with Matilda at a regimental ball. - -In a passionate outburst she threw her arms round me and kissed me on -the forehead. I returned kiss for kiss. She called me by endearing -names. - -The bond between us was growing stronger and my passion was increasing. - -In the course of the evening I recited Longfellow's "Excelsior" to her. -Genuinely touched by this beautiful poem, I fixed my eyes on her, and -as if she were hypnotised, her face reflected every shade of feeling -expressed on my own. She had the appearance of an ecstatic, of a seer. - -After supper her maid called for her with a cab to take her home. I -meant to come no further with her than the street, but she insisted on -my getting into the cab, and in spite of my protestations she ordered -her maid to sit on the box, by the side of the driver. As soon as I -was alone with her I took her in my arms, silently, without a word. I -felt her delicate body thrill and yield under my kisses. But I shrank -from crime--and left her at her door, unhurt, ashamed of herself and, -perhaps, also a little angry. - -I no longer had any doubts now; I saw clearly. She was trying to tempt -me. It was she who had given the first kiss, she who had taken the -initiative in everything. From this moment I was going to play the part -of the tempter, for, although a man of firm principles on the point of -honour, I was by no means a Joseph. - -On the following day we met at the National Museum. - -How I adored her as I saw her coming up the marble staircase, under the -gilded ceiling, as I watched her little feet tripping over the flags of -variegated stucco, her aristocratic figure clothed in a black velvet -costume, trimmed with military braid. I hurried to meet her and, like a -page, bent my knees before her. Her beauty, which had blossomed under -my kisses, was striking. The rich blood in her veins shone through her -transparent cheeks: this statue, almost the statue of an old maid, -had quickened under my caresses, and grown warm at the fire of life. -Pygmalion had breathed on the marble and held a goddess in his arms. - -We sat down before a statue of Psyche, acquired in the Thirty Years' -War. I kissed her cheeks, her eyes, her lips, and she received my -kisses with a rapturous smile. I played the tempter, employing all the -sophisms of the orator, all the arts of the poet. - -"I entreat you," I said, "leave your polluted house; don't consent any -longer to live this life of three--or you'll force me to despise you. -Return to your mother, devote yourself to art; in a year you will be -able to appear before the footlights. Then you will be free to live -your own life." - -She added fuel to the fire; I became more and more incensed and warmed -to my subject. I deluged her with a flood of words, the object of which -was to extract a promise from her to tell her husband everything, for -then, I argued, we should no longer be responsible for the consequences. - -"But supposing things end badly for us?" she interposed. - -"Even if we should lose everything! I could no longer love you if I -could no longer respect both of us. Are you a coward? Do you crave -the reward and refuse to bring the sacrifice? Be as noble as you are -beautiful, dare the fatal leap, even at the risk of perishing! Let -everything be lost save our honour! If we go on like this, we shall -both be guilty in a very short time, for my love is like lightning, -which will strike you! I love you as the sun loves the dew--to drink -it. Therefore, quick to the scaffold! Sacrifice your head so that you -may keep your hands clean! Don't imagine that I could ever debase -myself and be content to share you with a third, never, never!" - -She feigned resistance, but in reality she threw a grain of powder into -the open flames. She complained of her husband and hinted at things, -the very thought of which made my blood boil. - -He, the numskull, poor as myself, without prospects, indulged in the -luxury of two mistresses, while I, the man of talent, the aristocrat -of the future, sighed and writhed under the torture of my unsatisfied -longings. - -But all of a sudden she veered round and tried to calm my excited -nerves by reminding me of our agreement to be brother and sister. - -"No, not that dangerous game of brother and sister! Let us be man and -woman, lover and beloved! This alone is worthy of ourselves! I adore -you! I adore everything belonging to you, body and soul, your golden -hair and your straightforwardness, the smallest feet that ever wore -shoes in Sweden, your candour, your eyes which shine in the dusk, -your bewitching smile, your white stocking and your cherry-coloured -garter.... - -"What?" - -"Yes, my lovely princess, I have seen everything! And now I want to -kiss your throat and the dimples on your shoulders; I will smother you -with my kisses, strangle you between my arms as with a necklet. My love -for you fills me with the strength of a god. Did you think me delicate? -I was an imaginary invalid, or, rather, I pretended to be ill! Beware -of the sick lion! Don't come near his den or he will kill you with his -caresses! Down with the dishonest mask! I want you and I will have -you! I've wanted you from the first moment I set eyes on you! The -story of Selma, the Finlander, is nothing but a fairy tale ... the -friendship of our dear Baron a lie ... he loathes me, the man of the -middle-classes, the provincial, the _declasse_, as I loathe him, the -aristocrat!" - -This avalanche of revelations excited her very little, for it told her -nothing new: she had been aware of it without my avowal. - -And we separated with the firm resolution not to meet again until she -had told her husband everything. - - * * * * * - -I spent the evening at home, anxious and uneasy, waiting for telegrams -from the seat of war. To distract my thoughts, I emptied a sack -containing old books and papers on the floor, and sat down among -this litter to examine and classify it. But I found it impossible to -concentrate my thoughts on my task; I stretched myself out at full -length, resting the back of my head on my hands and, my eyes fixed with -a hypnotic stare on the candles burning in the old chandelier, I lost -myself in a reverie. I was longing for her kisses, and thinking out -plans of making her my own. As she was sensitive and strange, I felt -that the utmost delicacy would be necessary, that I must allow matters -to arrange themselves; that a single clumsy movement would spoil -everything. - -I lighted a cigarette and imagined that I was lying in a meadow; it -amused me to view my little room from below. Everything seemed new to -me. The sofa, the witness of many pleasant hours, brought me back to my -dreams of love, which, however, were quickly paralysed by the fear that -happiness would be wrecked on the rocks of my uncompromising principles. - -Analysing the thought which had checked my ardour, I discovered in it a -great deal of cowardice, fear of the consequences, a little sympathy -with the man who stood in danger of being betrayed, a little disgust -with the unclean pell-mell; a little genuine respect for the woman -whom I could not bear to see degrading herself; a little pity with the -daughter, a mere nothing of compassion with the mother of my beloved, -in case of a scandal; and quite in the background of my miserable heart -a vague presentiment of the difficulty I should find later on, if ever -I should wish to sever our connection. - -"No," I said to myself, "all or nothing! She must be mine alone, and -for ever!" - -While I was thus musing, there came a gentle tapping at my door, and -almost simultaneously a lovely head appeared in the opening, flooding -my attic with sunshine, and with its roguish smile drawing me away from -my papers into the arms of my beloved. After a hailstorm of kisses on -her lips, which were fresh with the cold outside, I asked-- - -"Well, what has he decided to do?" - -"Nothing! I haven't told him yet!" - -"Then you are lost! Flee, unhappy woman!" - -And keeping firm hold of her, I took off her close-fitting fur coat, -removed her beaded hat and drew her to the fire. Then she found words. - -"I hadn't the courage.... I wanted to see you once again before the -catastrophe, for God knows, he may decide to divorce me...." - -I closed her lips with mine, pushed a little table to her seat and -brought from my cupboard a bottle of good wine and two glasses. By -the side of them I set a basket with roses and two lighted candles, -arranging everything in the manner of an altar. For a footstool I gave -her a priceless old edition of Hans Sachs, bound in calf, furnished -with gold locks and ornamented with a portrait of Luther. I had -borrowed the book from the Royal Library. - -I poured out some wine. I gathered a rose and fastened it in the golden -thicket of her hair. My lips touched the glass raised to drink to her -health, to our love. I knelt down before her and worshipped her. - -"How beautiful you are!" - -For the first time she saw me as a lover. She was delighted. She took -my head between her hands, kissed it and smoothed with her fingers the -tangled strains of my unruly hair. - -Her beauty filled me with respect. I looked at her with veneration, as -one looks at the statue of a saint. She was enchanted to see me without -the hated mask; my words intoxicated her, and she was filled with -delirious joy when she found that my love for her was at once tender, -respectful and full of ardour. - -I kissed her shoes, blackening my lips; I embraced her knees without -touching the hem of her dress; I loved her just as she was, fully -dressed, chaste as an angel, as if she had been born clothed, with -wings outside her dress. - -Suddenly the tears came into my eyes, I could not have said why. - -"Are you crying?" she asked. "What is the matter?" - -"I don't know. I'm too happy, that's all." - -"You, capable of tears! You, the man of iron!" - -"Alas! I know tears only too well!" - -Being a woman of experience, she imagined that she possessed the secret -remedy for my secret sorrow. - -She rose from the sofa and pretended to be interested in the papers -scattered about on the floor. - -"You seemed to be stretched out on the grass when I came in," she said, -smiling archly. "What fun to make hay in the middle of the winter!" - -She sat down on a pile of papers; I threw myself down beside her. -Another hailstorm of kisses, the goddess stooped towards me, ready to -surrender. - -Gradually I drew her closer to me, holding her captive with my lips, so -as not to give her time to break the spell my eyes had cast over her, -and free herself. We sat on the "grass" like lovers, yielding to our -passion like fully dressed angels, and rose up content, happy, without -remorse, like angels who have not fallen. - -Love is inventive! We had sinned without sinning, yielded without -surrendering. How precious is the love of a woman of experience! She is -merciful to the young apprentice; she finds her pleasure in giving, not -in receiving.... - -Suddenly she recovered her senses, remembered the claims of reality and -prepared to go. - -"Until to-morrow, then!" - -"Until to-morrow!" - - - - -X - - -He had been told everything, and she called herself guilty, for he had -wept. He had wept scalding tears! Was it simplicity or artfulness on -his part? Doubtless both. Love and delusion are inseparable, and it is -difficult to know ourselves as we really are. - -But he was not angry with us, and did not insist on separating us, on -condition that we should respect his good name. - -"He is more noble and generous than we are," she said in her letter, -"and he still loves both of us." - -What a milksop! He consented to receive in his house a man who had -kissed his wife; he believed us to be sexless, able to live side by -side, like brother and sister. - -It was an insult to my manhood; henceforth he had ceased to exist for -me. - -I stayed at home, a prey to the bitterest disappointment. I had tasted -the apple, and it had been snatched from me. My imperious love had -repented; she was suffering from remorse; she overwhelmed me with -reproaches--she, the temptress! A fiendish idea flashed through my -mind. Had I been too reserved? Did she want to break with me because -I had been too timid? Since the thought of the crime from which I -shrank had not seemed to disturb her, her passion must be stronger than -mine.... But come back to me once more, my love, and I will teach you -better. - -At ten o'clock I received a letter from the Baron, in which he said -that his wife was seriously ill. - -My reply was a request to be left in peace. "I have been long enough -the cause of unpleasantness between you; forget me, as I will forget -you." - -Towards noon a second letter arrived: - -"Let us once more revive our old friendship. I have always respected -you, and, in spite of your error, I am convinced that you have behaved -like a man of honour. Let us bury the past. Come back to me as a -brother, and the matter will be forgotten." - -The pathetic simplicity, the perfect confidence of the man touched me; -in my reply I mentioned my misgivings, and begged him not to play with -fire, but leave me in future unmolested. - -At three o'clock in the afternoon I received a last communication: the -Baroness was dying; the doctor had just left her; she had asked for me. -The Baron entreated me not to refuse her request, and I went. Poor me! - -I entered. The room smelt of chloroform. The Baron received me with -great agitation and tears in his eyes. - -"What's the matter?" I asked, with the calmness of a doctor. - -"I don't know. But she has been at death's door." - -"And the doctor, what did he say?" - -"He shook his head and said it was not a case for him." - -"Has he given her a prescription?" - -"No." - -He took me into the dining-room, which had been transformed into a -sick-room. She was lying on a couch, stiff, haggard; her hair was -falling over her shoulders, her eyes glowed like red-hot coals. She -moved her hand, and her husband put it into mine. Then he returned into -the drawing-room and left us by ourselves. My heart remained unmoved; I -did not trust my eyes; the unusual spectacle roused my suspicions. - -"Do you know that I nearly died?" - -"Yes." - -"And you don't feel sorry?" - -"Oh yes!" - -"You are not moved, you have no look of sympathy, no look of -commiseration." - -"You have your husband!" - -"Hasn't he himself brought us together?" - -"What are you suffering from?" - -"I'm very ill. I shall have to consult a specialist." - -"Oh!" - -"I'm afraid! It's terrible! If you knew how I have suffered!... Put -your hand on my head ... it does me good.... Now smile at me ... your -smile fills me with new life!..." - -"The Baron---" - -"You are going? You are leaving me?" - -"What can I do for you?" - -She began to cry. - -"You surely can't want me to play the lover here, close to your child, -your husband?" - -"You are a monster! A man without a heart! A----" - -"Good-bye, Baroness!" - -I went. The Baron accompanied me through the drawing-room, but, quick -though he was, he could not prevent me from catching sight of a woman's -skirt disappearing through one of the other doors. - -This awakened the suspicion in me that the whole had been a farce. - -The Baron closed the door behind me with a bang which echoed through -the staircase, and gave me the impression that I had been kicked out. - -I felt sure that I had not been mistaken. I had assisted at the -_denoument_ of a sentimental play with a double plot. - -This mysterious illness, what was it? Hysteria? No. Science has given -it the name of "nymphomania"; freely translated it means, the desire -of a woman for children, moderated and disguised by time and the -conventions, but suddenly breaking out with irresistible force. - -This woman, always living in a state of semi-celibacy, unwilling to -take upon herself the burden of motherhood, and yet dissatisfied with -the incompleteness of her married life, was driven into the arms of a -lover, to the commission of a crime, and, at the very moment when she -thought that her lover was incontestably hers, he slipped through her -fingers, and he, too, left her unsatisfied. - -How miserable a mistake was matrimony! How pitiful a passion was love! - -When I had finished my analysis I had come to the conclusion that the -unsatisfactory nature of their relationship had driven both husband and -wife to seek happiness elsewhere. The disappointment at my flight had -brought the Baroness back into the arms of her husband, whose love had -received a fresh stimulus, and who would henceforth strive to make her -more happy. - -They were reconciled, and everything was at an end. - -Exit the devil. - -The curtain falls. - - * * * * * - -No, it was not at an end. - -She visited me again in my room, and I drew from her a full confession, -brutal in its candour. - -In the first year of her marriage she knew nothing of the ecstasies of -love. After her baby was born, her husband grew indifferent to her, and -their relations became strained. - -"Then you've never been happy with this man with the physique of a -giant?" - -"Never ... sometimes perhaps ... hardly ever." - -"And now?" - -She blushed. - -"The doctor has advised him not to go on sinning against nature." - -She sank back on the sofa and hid her face in her hands. - -Excited by these intimate confessions, I made an attempt to put my -arms round her. She offered no resistance, she trembled and breathed -heavily, but suddenly she felt remorse and repulsed me. - -Strange enigma which was beginning to provoke me! - -What did she want from me? Everything! But she shrank from the real -crime, the illegitimate child. - -I took her in my arms and kissed her, I tried to rouse her passion. She -freed herself and left me, but, I thought, a shade less disappointed -than before. - -And now, what? - -Confess to the husband? It has been done. - -Give him details?... There are no details to give. - - * * * * * - -She continued to visit me. - -And whenever she came, she sat down on the sofa on the plea of fatigue. - -I was ashamed of my timidity; furious at my humiliation; afraid -that she might think me a fool; conflicting emotions wore away my -self-control, and the day came when I watched her from my window, -walking away slowly, until she was hidden by the turn of the street. I -sighed heavily. - -The son of the people had carried off the white skin, the plebeian had -won the aristocrat, the swineherd had mated with the princess! But he -had paid a heavy price. - - * * * * * - -A storm was brewing. All sorts of rumours circulated in the town. The -fair fame of the Baroness had suffered. - -Her mother asked me to call on her. I went. - -"Is it true that you are in love with my daughter?" - -"It is true." - -"And are you not ashamed?" - -"I glory in it." - -"She has told me that she loves you." - -"I was aware of that.... I am sorry for you. I regret the possible -consequences, but what am I to do? No doubt it is a deplorable -business, but we are not guilty, neither she nor I. When we discovered -our danger, we warned the Baron. Wasn't that acting correctly?" - -"I'm not complaining of your conduct now, but I must protect the honour -of my daughter, of her child, of the family! Surely you don't want to -ruin us?" - -The poor old woman cried bitterly. She had put all her eggs in one -basket: the aristocratic alliance of her daughter, which was to -rehabilitate her own family. She roused my compassion, and I succumbed -to her sorrow. - -"Command me," I said; "I will do whatever you wish." - -"Leave this place, go away from here, I implore you." - -"I will do so, but on one condition." - -"And that is?" - -"That you will ask Miss Matilda to return to her family." - -"Is that an accusation?" - -"More than that, a denunciation. For I believe I'm right in saying that -her presence at the Baron's house is not conducive to happiness." - -"I agree with you. Oh, that girl! I shall tell her what I think of her! -But you, you will leave to-morrow?" - -"To-night, if you like." - -At this stage the Baroness appeared, and unceremoniously interrupted -our conversation. - -"You must stay! You shall stay!" she said imperatively. "Matilda must -go!" - -"Why?" asked her mother, in amazement. - -"Because I mean to have a divorce. Gustav has treated me like an -abandoned woman before Matilda's stepfather. I shall prove to them that -they're mistaken." - -What a heartrending scene! Is there a surgical operation so painful as -the tearing asunder of family ties? All passions are let loose, all -uncleanness hidden in the depth of the soul stands revealed. - -The Baroness took me apart and repeated to me the contents of a letter -from her husband to Matilda: abuse of us, and an assurance of his -undying love for the girl, in terms which proved that he had deceived -us from the very beginning. - -The ball has now gained the volume of a rock; it goes on rolling, and -crushes alike the innocent and the guilty. - - * * * * * - -In spite of all the coming and going a settlement seemed as far off as -ever. - -Fresh misfortunes happened. The bank did not pay the ordinary yearly -dividend; ruin was menacing. - -The threatening poverty was made the pretext for the divorce, for the -Baron could no longer maintain his family. For appearances' sake he -asked his colonel whether his wife's proposed theatrical career would -in any way interfere with his own. The colonel gave him to understand -that if his wife went on the stage, he would have to leave the service. -A splendid opportunity for abusing aristocratic prejudices! - -During all this time the Baroness, under medical treatment for some -internal trouble, continued to live at her husband's house, although -they were now practically separated. She was always in pain, irritable -and despondent, and I found it impossible to rouse her from her deep -depression; my strenuous effort to inspire her with some of my youthful -confidence was wasted. In vain I drew for her glowing pictures of the -career of an artist, the independent life in a home of her own, a home -like mine, where she would enjoy freedom of body and soul. She listened -to me without replying; the stream of my words seemed to galvanise her -like a magnetic current, without penetrating to her consciousness. - - * * * * * - -An agreement between the two parties had been arrived at at last. It -was decided that after all legal formalities had been complied with, -the Baroness should proceed to Copenhagen, where an uncle of hers was -living. The Swedish consul at Copenhagen would communicate with her -on her supposed flight from her husband's house, and she would inform -him of her wish to have her marriage annulled. After that she would be -free to make her own plans for the future, and return to Stockholm. Her -dowry would remain in the possession of her husband, as well as all the -furniture, with the exception of a very few things; the little girl -would continue to live with her father, unless the latter contracted a -second marriage, but the Baroness would have the right to see her child -whenever she wished. - -The financial question gave rise to a violent scene. To save the -remnants of a fortune which had almost disappeared, the father of the -Baroness had made a will in which he left everything to his daughter. -Her scheming mother had obtained possession of the inheritance, and -was paying her son-in-law a certain percentage. Since such a procedure -was illegal, the Baron insisted that the will should now come into -force. The old mother-in-law, furious at the reduction of her income, -denounced her son-in-law to her brother, Matilda's father, as the -girl's lover. The storm burst. The colonel threatened to cashier the -Baron; a lawsuit was impending. - -Now, the Baroness left no stone unturned to save the father of her -child. And to clear him I was made the scapegoat. - -I was prevailed upon to write a letter to Matilda's father, in which I -took the sins of everybody and the responsibility for all the mischief -on my own shoulders, called God to witness that the Baron and the girl -were innocent, and asked the offended father to forgive me for all the -crimes I had committed--I, the only penitent one! - -It was a beautiful action and a good one, and the Baroness loved me for -it as a woman loves a man who has allowed her to trample on his honour, -his self-respect, his good name. - -In spite of my resolution not to be mixed up in these unsavoury family -matters, I had been unable to steer clear of them. - -The mother-in-law paid me many visits, and, always appealing to my love -for her daughter, tried to incite me against the Baron, but in vain; I -took my orders from no one but the Baroness. Moreover, on this point I -sided with the father. As he was taking charge of the child, the dowry, -imaginary or otherwise, belonged undoubtedly to him. - -Oh, this month of April! What a springtime of love! The beloved woman -on the sick-bed, intolerable meetings at which the two families washed -their dirty linen, which I certainly never had the least desire to come -into contact with; tears; rudeness; a chaos which brought to light -everything base that had hitherto been hidden under the veneer of -education. - -That comes of raising a nest of hornets about one's ears!... - -No wonder that love suffered under such conditions. Where is the charm -of a woman who is always worn out with contention, whose conversation -bristles with legal terms? - -Again and again I attempted to instil into her my thoughts of -consolation and hope, even though they were often anything but -spontaneous, for I had come to the end of my nerve-power; and she -accepted everything, sucked my brain dry, consumed my heart. In -exchange she looked upon me as a dustbin, into which she threw all her -rubbish, all her grief, all her troubles, all her cares. - -In this hell I lived my life, dragged on my misery, worked for a -bare sufficiency. When she came to see me of an evening and found me -working, she sulked; and it was not until I had wasted a couple of -hours with tears and kisses that I succeeded in convincing her of my -love. - -She conceived love as never-ending admiration, a servile readiness to -please, unceasing sacrifice. - -I was crushed down by my heavy responsibility. I could see the moment -not very far off when misery, or the birth of a child, would force -me into a premature marriage. She had claimed but three thousand -francs for one year, with which she intended to defray the costs of -her artistic training. I had no faith in her dramatic career. Her -pronunciation still betrayed her Finnish descent, and her features -were too irregular for the stage. To keep her from brooding I made her -repeat poetry. I constituted myself her teacher. But she was too much -occupied with her disappointments, and when, after a rehearsal, she had -to admit that her progress was very small, she was inconsolable. - -How dreary our love was! Instead of being the source from which flowed -strength to cope with our difficulties, it was a prolonged torture. - -Joy was no sooner born than it was slain, and we parted, dissatisfied, -robbed of the greatest happiness life has to give. A poor phantom was -our love! - -But my monogamic nature recoiled from change. Our love, sad as it was, -was yet the source from which sprang exquisite spiritual joys, and my -inextinguishable longing was the guarantee for its endurance. - - - - -XI - - -It was on the first of May. All the necessary documents had been -signed. Her departure was fixed for the day after to-morrow. She came -to me and threw her arms round me. - -"Now I belong to you alone; take me!" - -As we had never discussed marriage, I did not quite understand what she -meant, and we sat in my little attic, sad and thoughtful. Everything -was permitted to us now, but temptation had diminished. She accused -me of indifference, and I proved the contrary to her. Thereupon she -accused me of sensuality. - -Adoration, incense it was what she wanted! - -She had hysterics, and complained that I no longer loved her. -Already!... - -After half-an-hour of flattery and blandishments she grew calmer, -but she was not really herself until she had reduced me to tears of -despair. Then she made a fuss of me. - -The more humble I was, the more I knelt before her, small and -miserable, the more she loved me. She hated strength and manliness in -me; to win her love I had to pretend to be wretched, so that she could -pose as the stronger, play "little mother" and console me. - -We had supper in my room; she laid the table and prepared the meal. -After supper I claimed the rights of a lover, and she made no -resistance. - -How wonderful is the rejuvenating power of love! A young girl lay in -my arms, trembling, and brutality was transformed into tenderness. -Surely the animal had no part in this union of souls! Alas! is it ever -possible to say where the spiritual ends and the animal begins? - -Reassured on the question of her health, she gave herself to me -whole-heartedly; she was radiant with joy, content and happy; her -beauty shone out; her eyes sparkled. My poor attic had become a temple, -a sumptuous palace; I lighted the broken chandelier, my reading lamp, -all the candles, to illuminate our happiness, the joy of living, the -only thing which makes our miserable lives endurable. - -For these moments of rapture accompany us on our thorny pilgrimage -through life; the memory of these fleeting hours helps us to live, and -outlive our former selves. - -"Don't speak ill of love," I said to her. "Worship nature in all her -forces; honour God, who compels us to be happy in spite of ourselves!" - -She made no reply, for she was happy. Her yearning was stilled; my -kisses had driven the warm blood through her beating heart into her -cheeks; the flame of the candle was mirrored in her eyes moist with -tears; the rainbow tints of her veins appeared more vivid, like the -plumage of the birds in the springtime. She looked like a girl of -sixteen, so delicate, so pure were her contours; the dainty head with -its masses of golden hair, half-buried in the cushions, might have been -a child's. - -Thus she reclined on my sofa, like a goddess, allowing me to worship -her, while she regarded me with furtive glances, half shamefaced, half -provoking. - -How chaste in her abandonment is the beloved woman when she surrenders -herself to the caresses of her lover! And man, though her superior -mentally, is only happy when he has won the woman who is his true -mate. My former flirtations, my love affairs with women of a lower -class, appeared to me like crimes, like a sin against the race. The -white skin, the perfect feet, the delicate hands, were they signs of -degeneration? Were they not rather on a par with the glossy skin of -the wild beast, its slim, sinewy legs, which show hardly any muscle? -The beauty of a woman is the sum total of characteristics which are -worthy of transmission through the agency of the man who can appreciate -them. This woman had been pushed aside by her husband; therefore she no -longer belonged to him, for she had ceased to please him. He could see -no beauty in her, and it was left to me to achieve the blossoming of a -flower, the rare loveliness of which the seer, the elect only, could -perceive. - -Midnight was striking. From the barracks close by came the "Who goes -there?" of the relieving guards. It was time to part. - -I accompanied my beloved on her way home, and, as we were walking along -side by side, I tried to kindle in her the fire of my enthusiasm, my -new hopes; I startled her with the plans which her kisses had ripened -in me. She came closer, as if to find strength in contact with me, and -I gave her back tenfold what I had received from her. - -When we had arrived at the high railings she noticed that she had -forgotten her key. How annoying! But, bent on showing her my mettle -by penetrating into the lion's den, I climbed the railings, dashed -across the courtyard and knocked at the front door, prepared for a -stormy reception from the Baron. My throbbing heart was thrilled by -the thought of fighting my rival before her eyes. The favoured lover -was transformed into a hero! But, luckily, it was only a servant who -came to open the door, and we said good-night to each other formally, -calmly, with the maid, who had not taken the trouble to respond to our -"Good-evening," looking on in contemptuous silence. - - * * * * * - -Henceforth she felt sure of my love, and so she abused it. - -She came to see me to-day. She could not find words enough to praise -her husband. Deeply affected by Matilda's departure, he had succumbed -to his wife's pressure, and made her a promise to save appearances by -accompanying her to the station, for, she argued, if both he and I were -to see her off, her departure would not have the appearance of flight. -Moreover, she told me that the Baron, no longer angry with me, had -consented to receive me at his house, and, in order to put a stop to -the rumours, show himself during the next few days about the town in my -company. - -I appreciated the generosity of this big, ingenuous child, with the -honest heart, and, out of consideration for him, I demurred. - -"We're not going to disgrace him like that. Never!" - -"Remember that it is a question of my child's honour." - -"Doesn't his honour count for something?" - -But she laughed at the idea of considering other people's honour. -Looked upon me as eccentric. - -"But that beats everything! You're making me a by-word, you're -degrading us all! It's folly! It's unworthy!" I exclaimed. - -She cried; and, after she had sobbed for an hour and overwhelmed me -with reproaches, I succumbed to the irresistible weapon of her tears, -and consented to do her bidding. But I cursed the despot, I cursed the -falling crystal drops which increased tenfold the power of her glances. - -She was stronger than both her husband and myself. She was leading us -by the nose into disgrace! Why did she want this reconciliation? Was -she afraid of a war to the knife between me and the Baron? Did she -dread possible disclosures?... - -... What a punishment she had inflicted on me by compelling me to -revisit this dreary house! But, cruel egoist that she was, she had -no sympathy with another's terrors. I have had to promise her, on my -oath, to deny the whole story of the illicit relationship which existed -between the Baron and her cousin, so as to stop all slander. I went to -this last meeting with slow steps and a sinking heart. - -The little garden smiled at me with its blossoming cherry trees, its -sweet-scented daffodils. The shrubbery, where her marvellous beauty had -bewitched me, was bursting into leaf; the turned-up flower-beds looked -like black shrouds spread out on the lawn; I pictured the forsaken -little girl wandering about there alone, looked after by a servant, and -learning her lessons; I pictured her growing up, awakening to the facts -of life, and being told one day that her mother had deserted her. - -I mounted the stairs of the fatal house, which was built against a sand -quarry, and called up the memories of my childhood. Friendship, family, -love, all had been jeopardised, and, in spite of our efforts to comply -with the law of the land, crime had stained its threshold. - -Who was to blame? - -The Baroness opened the folding doors and secretly kissed me between -the wings. I could not suppress a momentary feeling of loathing, -and indignantly pushed her aside. It reminded me of the servants' -flirtations at the back door, and filled me with disgust. Behind the -door! Slut! without pride, without dignity! - -She pretended that I was reluctant to enter the drawing-room, and asked -me in a loud voice to come in, at the very moment when, embarrassed by -the humiliating situation in which I found myself, I hesitated, and -was on the point of retracing my footsteps. A flash from her eyes, and -my hesitation was gone; paralysed by her self-command, I gave in. - -Everything in the drawing-room pointed to the breaking up of the -household. Underlinen, dresses, petticoats were scattered all over the -furniture. The writing-table was littered with a pile of stockings, a -short time ago the delight of my eyes, to-day an abomination. She came -and went, counted and folded up, brazenly, shamelessly. - -"Had I corrupted her in so short a time?" I asked myself, gazing at -this exhibition of a respectable woman's underclothing. - -She examined one piece after another, and put on one side everything -which needed repairing; she noticed that on one garment the tapes were -missing; she laid it aside with perfect unconcern. - -I seemed to be present at an execution; I felt sick with misery, -while she listened absent-mindedly to my futile conversation about -unimportant details. I was waiting for the Baron, who had locked -himself into the dining-room and was writing letters. - -At last the door opened; I started apprehensively, but it was only the -little girl who came in, puzzled to know the reason of all this upset. -She ran up to me, accompanied by her mother's spaniel, and held up -her forehead to be kissed. I blushed. I felt angry, and turned to the -Baroness. - -"You might at least have spared me this!" - -But she did not understand what I meant. - -"Mamma is going away, darling, but she'll soon be back and bring you -lots of toys." - -The little dog begged for a caress--he, too! - -A little later the Baron appeared. - -He walked up to me, broken, crushed, and pressed my hand, unable to -utter a word. I honoured his evident grief by a respectful silence, and -he withdrew again. - -The dusk was beginning to gather in the corners of the room. The maid -lighted the lamps without seeming to notice my presence. Supper was -announced. I wanted to go. But the Baron added his pressing invitation -to that of the Baroness, and in so touching and sincere a manner that I -accepted and stayed. - -And we sat down to supper, the three of us, as in the old days. It -was a solemn moment. We talked of all that had happened, and with -moist eyes asked one another the question: "Who is to blame?" Nobody, -destiny, a series of incidents, paltry in themselves, a number of -forces. We shook hands, clinked our glasses together and spoke of our -undying friendship exactly as in the days gone by. The Baroness alone -kept up her spirits. She made the programme for the following day: the -meeting at the railway station, the walks through the town, and we -agreed to everything. - -At last I rose to go. The Baron accompanied us into the drawing-room. -There he laid the hand of the Baroness into mine and said, with choking -voice-- - -"Be her friend. My part is played out. Take care of her, guard her from -the wickedness of the world, cultivate her talent: you are better able -to do it than I, a poor soldier. God protect you!" - -He left us; the door closed behind him, and we were alone. - -Was he sincere at that moment? I thought so at the time, and I should -like to think so still. He was of a sentimental nature, and, in his -way, fond of us; doubtless, the thought of seeing the mother of his -child in the hands of an enemy would have been painful to him. - -It is possible that later on, under adverse influence, he boasted of -having fooled us. But such a thing would really have been foreign to -his character--and is it not a well-known fact that no one likes to -admit having been duped? - -It was six o'clock at night. I was pacing the large hall of the Central -Station. The train for Copenhagen would leave at six-fifteen, and -neither the Baron nor the Baroness had appeared. - -I felt like the spectator of the last act of a terrible tragedy, I was -longing wildly for the end. Another quarter of an hour and there would -be peace. My nerves, disordered by these successive crises, required -rest, and the coming night would restore some of the nerve force which -I had used up and squandered for the love of a woman. - -She arrived at the last moment, in a cab, drawn by a mare which the -driver was leading by the bridle. - -Always careless and always too late! - -She rushed towards me like a lunatic. - -"The traitor! He has broken his word! He's not coming!" she exclaimed -so loudly that she attracted the attention of the passers-by. - -It was certainly unfortunate, but I could not help respecting him for -it. - -"He's quite right. He has common-sense on his side," I said, seized -with a spirit of contradiction. - -"Be quick! Take a ticket for Copenhagen, or I shall stay here!" she -ordered. - -"No! If I went with you it would look like an elopement. All Stockholm -would talk about it to-morrow." - -"I don't care.... Make haste!" - -"No! I won't!" - -But I could not help pitying her at the moment, and the situation was -becoming unbearable. A quarrel, a lover's quarrel was inevitable. - -She knew it instinctively, and, seizing my hands, she implored me -with her eyes; the ice melted; the sorceress won; I wavered ... I -succumbed.... - -"To Katrineholm then!" - -"Very well, if you'd rather." - -She was having her luggage registered. - -Everything was lost, including honour, and I had before me the prospect -of a painful journey. - -The train moved out of the station. We were alone in a first-class -compartment. The Baron's non-appearance had depressed us. It was an -unforeseen danger and a bad omen. An uneasy silence reigned in the -carriage; one of us had to break it. She was the one to speak. - -"Axel, you don't love me any more!" - -"Perhaps not," I replied, worn out by a month of chaos. - -"And I have sacrificed everything to you!" - -"Sacrificed everything?... To your love, perhaps, but not to me. And -have I not sacrificed my life to you? You are angry with Gustav and -you're venting your anger on me ... be reasonable." - -Tears, tears! What a wedding tour! I steeled my nerves, put on my -armour. I became indifferent, impenetrable. - -"Restrain your emotions! From to-day you must use your common-sense. -Weep, weep until the source of your tears is dry, but then lift up -your head. You are a foolish woman, and I have honoured you as a -queen, as a ruler! I have done your bidding because I thought myself -the weaker of the two! Unfortunately! Don't make me despise you. Don't -ever try to blame me alone for what has happened. I admired Gustav's -shrewdness last night. He has realised that the great events in life -have always more than one cause. Who is to blame? You? I? He? She? The -threatening ruin, your passion for the stage, your internal trouble, -the inheritance from your thrice-married grandfather? Your mother's -hatred of bearing children which is the cause of your vacillating -disposition? The idleness of your husband, whose profession left him -too much leisure? My instincts? The instincts of the man who has risen -from the lower classes? My accidental meeting with your Finnish friend -who brought us together? An endless number of motives, a few of which -only are known to us. Don't debase yourself before the mob who will -unanimously condemn you to-morrow; don't believe, like those poor in -spirit, that you can solve such an intricate problem by taking neither -the crime nor the criminal seriously!... And, moreover, have I seduced -you? Be candid with yourself, with me, while we're here alone, without -witnesses." - -But she would not be candid. - -She could not, for candour is not a woman's characteristic. - -She knew herself to be an accomplice in crime; she was tortured by -remorse. She had but one thought, to ease her conscience by throwing -the whole blame on me. - -I left her to herself, and wrapped myself in a callous silence. - -Night fell. I opened the window and leaned against the door, gazing -at the quickly-passing black Scotch firs, behind which the pale moon -was rising. Then a lake passed, surrounded by birch trees; a brook -bordered by alders; cornfields, meadows, and then Scotch firs again, a -long stretch of them. A mad desire to throw myself out of the carriage -seized me; a desire to escape from this prison where I was watched by -an enemy, kept spell-bound by a witch. But the anxiety for her future -oppressed me like a nightmare; I felt responsible for her, who was a -stranger to me, for her unborn children, for the support of her mother, -her aunt, her whole family, for centuries to come. - -I should make it my business to procure for her success on the stage; I -should bear all her sorrows, her disappointments, her failures, so that -one day she could throw me in the dust like a squeezed-out lemon--me, -my whole life, my brain, the marrow of my spine, my life-blood; all -in exchange for the love which I gave her, and which she accepted and -called "sacrificing herself to me." Delusions of love! hypnotism of -passion! - -She sat without moving until ten o'clock, sulking. One more hour and we -should have to say good-bye. - -All at once, with a word of apology, she put her two feet on the -cushioned seat, pretending to be worn out with fatigue. Her languid -glances, her tears had left me unmoved; I had kept my head, my strength -of purpose in spite of her fallacious logic. Now everything collapsed. -I beheld her adorable boots, a tiny piece of her stocking. - -Down on your knees, Sampson! Put your head in her lap, press your -cheeks against her knees, ask her to forgive you for the cruel words -with which you have lashed her--and which she didn't even understand! -Slave! Coward! You lie in the dust before a stocking, you, who thought -yourself strong enough to conquer a world! And she, she only loves you -when you debase yourself; she buys you cheaply at the price of a few -moments of gratified passion, for she has nothing to lose. - -The engine whistled; the train glided into the station; I had to leave -her. She kissed me with motherly affection, made the sign of the cross -on my forehead--although she was a Protestant--commended me to the -Lord, begged me to take care of myself, and not to give way to fretting. - -The train steamed out into the night, choking me with its bituminous -smoke. - -I breathed--at last--the cool evening air, and enjoyed my freedom. -Alas! but for a moment. No sooner had I arrived at the village inn -than I broke down. I loved her, yes, I loved her, just as I had seen -her at the moment of parting; for that moment recalled to me the first -sweet days of our friendship, when she was the lovely, womanly tender -mother, who spoiled and caressed me as if I had been a little child. - -And yet I loved her ardently, desired to make this stormy woman my wife. - -I asked for writing material, and wrote her a letter in which I told -her that I would pray to God for her happiness. - -Her last embrace had led me back to God, and, under the influence of -her parting kiss, still fresh on my lips, I denied the new faith, which -teaches the progress of humanity. - - * * * * * - -The first stage in the downfall of a man had been reached; the others -were sure to follow--to utter degradation, to the verge of insanity. - - - - -PART II - - -I - - -On the day after our departure the whole town knew that Baroness X had -eloped with one of the librarians of the Royal Library. - -This was only what was to be expected, to be dreaded! After all my -efforts to save her good name, we had forgotten everything in a moment -of weakness. - -She had spoiled all our plans, and all that remained for me to do was -to take the responsibility on my own shoulders and grapple to the -best of my ability with the consequences which threatened to ruin her -theatrical career; there was only one theatre where she could possibly -appear, and loose morals were not likely to increase her chances of an -engagement at the Royal Theatre. - -On the morning after my return I made an excuse to call on the chief -librarian, who was slightly unwell and unable to go out. The sole -object of my visit was the establishment of an alibi. After leaving -him I strolled through the main streets and thoroughfares and arrived -at my office at the usual hour. I spent the evening at the Press Club, -and deliberately set the rumour afloat that there was but one reason -for the divorce, and that was the Baroness's determination to enter the -theatrical profession. I maintained that husband and wife were on the -best of terms, and that their separation was but the inevitable result -of class prejudice. - -If I had only known what harm I was doing myself by spreading these -rumours and proclaiming her innocence! ... But no, I should not have -acted otherwise. - -The papers scrambled eagerly for the smart society scandal, but the -public scoffed at this irresistible love of art, a more or less -doubtful phenomenon always, but more especially when the stage is -concerned. The women in particular were sceptical, and the forsaken -child remained an ugly fact which nothing could explain away. - -In the meantime I received a letter--a perfect howl of anguish--from -Copenhagen. Tortured by remorse, by a yearning for her deserted child, -she asked me to come to her at once, complaining bitterly of her -relatives who, she asserted, were making her life one long drawn-out -agony. She charged them with having suppressed, in collusion with her -husband, an important document, which was essential for the final -decision in the case. - -I refused to leave town, but wrote a few angry lines to the Baron. His -reply was so insolent that it led to a complete rupture between us. - -One or two telegrams passed, and peace was re-established. The document -was found, and the proceedings went on. - -I spent my evenings in writing long letters to her, giving her minute -instructions how to comport herself in the circumstances. These letters -were intended to cheer and encourage her. I advised her to work, to -study her art, to visit the theatres. In my anxiety to supplement her -income, I urged her to write on anything which she found interesting, -and undertook to get her articles accepted by a first-class paper. - -No answer. I had every reason to believe that her independent spirit -resented my well-meant interference. - -A week passed; a week full of care, unrest and hard work. Then, early -one morning, before I was up, I received a letter from Copenhagen. - -The tone of her letter was calm and serene; she seemed unable to hide a -certain pride on account of the quarrel between the Baron and myself. -(She was in a fair position to form an opinion, since she had received -the respective letters from both of us.) She found the "duel" not -without style, and admired my pluck. "It is a pity," she concluded her -letter, "that two men like you and the Baron should not be friends." -Further on she gave me a detailed account of what she was doing to -while away the time. She was evidently enjoying herself; she had made -her way into second-rate artistic circles, a fact which I did not like. -She described an evening spent at some assembly-rooms in the company of -a number of young men, who paid her a great deal of attention; she had -made the conquest of a musician, a youth who had sacrificed his family -to his art. "What a strange similarity between our two cases!" she -remarked. Then followed a detailed biography of the interesting martyr -and the request not to be jealous. - -"What did she mean?" I wondered, taken aback by the half-sarcastic, -half-familiar tone of her letter, which appeared to be written between -two entertainments. - -Was it possible that this coldly voluptuous madonna belonged to the -class of born wantons, that she was a coquette, a cocotte? - -I sat down at once and indited a furious scolding; I painted her -picture as she then appeared to me. I called her Madame Bovary; I -entreated her to break the spell which was leading her to a precipice. - -In reply, "as a proof of her absolute faith in me," she sent me the -letters which the young enthusiast had written to her. Love letters! - -The same old use of the term friendship, the inexplicable sympathy of -the souls, and the whole list of the trite and to us both so familiar -words: brother and sister, little mother, playmates, and so on, cloaks -and covers under which lovers are wont to hide, to abandon themselves -ultimately to their passions. - -What was I to think? Was she mentally deranged? - -Was she an unconscious criminal who remembered nothing of the terrible -experience of the last two months, when the hearts of three people -were on fire for her? And I who had been made to play the part of a -Cinderella, a scape-goat, a man of straw, I was toiling to remove all -obstacles from her way to the irregular life of the theatre. - -A fresh blow! To see the woman whom I adored wallow in the gutter. - -My soul was filled with unspeakable compassion, I had a foreboding of -the fate which awaited her, perverse woman that she was, and vowed to -lift her up, to strengthen and support her, to do everything in my -power to shield her from a fatal catastrophe. - -Jealous! That vulgar word invented by a woman in order to mislead -the man she has deceived or means to deceive. The hoodwinked husband -shows his anger, and the word jealous is flung in his face. Jealous -husband--husband betrayed! And there are women who look upon jealousy -as synonymous with impotence, so that the betrayed husband can only -shut his eyes, powerless in the face of such accusations. - -She returned after a fortnight, pretty, fresh, in high spirits, and -full of bright memories, for she had thoroughly enjoyed herself. She -was wearing a new dress with touches of brilliant colouring, which -struck me as vulgar. I was puzzled. The woman who used to dress so -simply, so quietly, with such exquisite taste, was adopting a colour -scheme which was positively garish. - -Our meeting was colder than either of us had expected; there was a -constrained silence at first, followed by a sudden outburst. - -The flatteries of her new friends had turned her head; she gave herself -airs, teased me, made fun of me. She spread her gorgeous dress over -my old sofa, to hide its shabbiness. Her old power over me reasserted -itself, and for a moment I forgot all resentment in a passionate kiss; -nevertheless, a slight feeling of anger remained at the bottom of my -heart, and presently found vent in a torrent of reproaches. Subdued by -my impetuosity, which contrasted so strangely with her own indolent -nature, she took refuge in tears. - -"How can you be so absurd as to imagine that I was flirting with that -young man?" she sobbed. "I promise you never to write to him again, -although I'm sure he'll think it rude of me." - -Rude! One of her favourite catchwords! A man pays her attention, in -other words makes advances to her, and she listens politely, for fear -of being rude. What a woman! - -But fate was against me. I was lying at her feet, her beautiful little -feet, encased in tiny shoes. She was wearing black silk stockings, -which added to my confusion; her leg was a little fuller than it had -been; the black legs in a cloud of petticoats were the legs of a -she-devil. - -Her constant fear of motherhood irritated me; I lied to her; I told her -that she had nothing to fear from me; that I knew how to cheat nature. -I repeated my assurances until I finished by believing in them myself, -and in the end succeeded in setting her mind at ease by promising to be -responsible for all consequences. - -She was living with her mother and aunt in the second story of a house -in one of the main thoroughfares. As she threatened to visit me in my -own room if they prevented me from seeing her, I was allowed to call. -But the thought of the supervision of these two old women, whom I knew -to be watching us through the keyhole all the time, was almost beyond -bearing. - -The divorced husband and wife were beginning to realise how much they -had lost. The Baroness, once a respected married woman, mistress of -an aristocratic establishment, had returned to the conditions of her -childhood. She was under the control of her mother, almost a prisoner -in one room, kept by two old women, who were themselves in needy -circumstances. The mother never lost an opportunity of reminding her -of her careful bringing up and how she had been fitted to take an -honourable social position, and the daughter remembered the happy days -following her release from the parental yoke. Bitter words were spoken -on both sides, tears and insults were all too frequent, and I had to -pay for them when I called in the evening ... to visit a prisoner under -the eyes of a warder and witness. - -When the strain of these painful meetings became unbearable, we -ventured to meet two or three times in the park. But we only jumped -from the frying-pan into the fire, for now we were exposed to the -contemptuous stare of the crowd. We hated the spring sunshine which -illuminated our misery. We missed the darkness, we longed for the -winter, which made it easier for us to hide our shame. Alas! the summer -was coming with its long nights, which know no darkness. - -Our former friends dropped us, one after the other. Even my sister, -intimidated by the now universal gossip, grew suspicious and estranged -when the ex-baroness, at a little supper party, tried to keep up her -spirits by taking too much wine, became intoxicated, proposed a toast, -smoked cigarettes, and generally behaved in a way which excited the -disgust of the women and the contempt of the men. - -"That woman's a common prostitute!" said a respectable married man and -father of a family to my brother-in-law, and the latter took the first -chance to repeat the remark to me. - -When on the following Sunday evening we arrived at my sister's house, -where we had been invited to supper, the servant informed us, to our -consternation, that her master and mistress were out. - -We spent the evening in my room, a prey to anger and despair, seeking -comfort in the thought of suicide. I pulled down the blinds to shut -out the daylight, and we sat together in misery, waiting for night and -darkness, before we ventured out again into the street. But the summer -sun did not set until late, and at eight o'clock we both felt hungry. -Neither of us had any money, and there was nothing to eat or drink in -the cupboard. These moments were some of the most wretched moments of -my life, and gave me a foretaste of misery to come. Reproaches, cold -kisses, floods of tears, remorse, disgust. - -I tried to persuade her to go home and have supper with her mother, but -she was afraid of the daylight; moreover, her heart sank at the thought -of the necessary explanation. She had eaten nothing since two o'clock, -and the melancholy prospect of going to bed supperless aroused the wild -beast hunger in her. - -She had grown up in a wealthy home, and had been used to every kind -of luxury; she had no idea what poverty meant, and consequently she -was completely unstrung. I, who had been familiar with hunger from -childhood, suffered torture to see her in such a desperate position. I -ransacked my cupboard, but could find nothing; I searched the drawers -of my writing-table, and there, amongst all sorts of keep-sakes, faded -flowers, old love-letters, discoloured ribbons, I found two sweets -which I had kept in remembrance of a funeral. I offered them to her -just as they were, wrapped in black paper and tinfoil. A distressing -banquet indeed, these sweets in their mourning dress! - -Depressed, humiliated, apprehensive, I raged and thundered furiously -against all respectable women whose doors were closed to us, who would -have none of us. - -"Why this hostility and contempt? Had we committed a crime? Surely not; -it was but a question of a straightforward divorce; we were complying -with all the rules and requirements of the law." - -"We have been behaving too correctly," she said, trying to comfort -herself. "The world is but a pack of knaves. It winks at open, -shameless adultery, but condemns divorce. A high standard of morality -indeed!" - -We were agreed on the subject. But the facts remained. The crime -continued to hang over our heads, which drooped under its weight. - -I felt like a boy who has robbed a bird's nest. The mother had flown -away, the little ones lay prostrate, chirping plaintively, bereft of -the protecting warmth of the mother's wings. - -And the father? He was left desolate in the ruined home. I pictured him -of a Sunday evening, an evening like this, when the family assembles -round the fire-place, alone in the drawing-room, with the silenced -piano; alone in the dining-room, eating his solitary dinner; alone -always.... - -"Oh, no, nothing of the kind!" she interrupted my musings; "you are -quite mistaken! You would be much more likely to find him lounging on -the comfortable sofa at Matilde's brother-in-law's; he has had a good -dinner with plenty of wine, and is gently squeezing the hand of my -poor, dear, libelled little cousin, laughing at the outrageous stories -told of his wife's ill-conduct--his wife, who refused to countenance -his infidelity. And both of them, surrounded and upheld by the sympathy -and applause of this hypocritical world, are eager to throw the first -stone at us." - -Her words set me thinking, and after a while I expressed the opinion -that the Baron had led us by the nose; that he had schemed to rid -himself of a troublesome wife, so as to be able to marry again, and had -managed to secure her dowry, in spite of the law. - -She became indignant at once. - -"You have no right to say anything against him! It was all my fault!" - -"Why have I no right to say anything against him? Is his person sacred?" - -One might almost have thought so, for whenever I attacked him she took -his part. - -Was it the freemasonry of caste which prompted her to stand up for him? -Or were there secrets in her life which made her fear his enmity? I -could not solve the riddle, nor discover the reason of her loyalty to -him, which no disloyalty on his part could shake. - -The sun set at last, and we parted. I slept the sleep of the famished; -I dreamed that I was making desperate efforts to wing my way -heavenwards, with a millstone round my neck. - - * * * * * - -Misfortune dogged our footsteps. We approached one of the theatrical -managers with the request to give us a date for her first appearance. -He replied that he could not, in his official position, have anything -to do with a runaway wife. - -We left no stone unturned, but all our efforts were doomed to failure. -A year hence her resources would be exhausted, and she would be thrown -on the street. It was my business, the business of the poor Bohemian, -to save her from that fate. - -To avoid every possibility of a misunderstanding, she called on an old -friend of hers, a former tragedienne, whom up to quite recently she had -constantly met in society, and who had cringed like a dog before the -"golden-haired Baroness," her "little fairy." - -The great actress, a notoriously unfaithful wife, grown grey in vice at -the side of her husband, received the honest sinner with insults and -closed her door to her. - -We had tried everything! - -There remained nothing but revenge. - -"Very well," I said to her, "why not try writing? Write a play, get it -produced at this very theatre? Why descend when there is a possibility -of rising? Put your foot on that old woman! With one stride rise far -above her head! Show off this lying, hypocritical, vicious society, -which opens its houses to prostitutes, but closes them to a divorced -wife. It's good stuff for a play." - -But she was one of those soft natures, very susceptible, very easily -impressed, but unable to strike back. - -"No, no revenge!" - -And cowardly and revengeful at the same time, she left vengeance -to God; it came to the same thing in the end, but it put the -responsibility on a man of straw. - -But I persevered, and at last fortune favoured me. I had an order from -a publisher to edit an illustrated book for children. - -"Write the text," I suggested; "you will be paid a hundred francs for -it." - -I supplied her with reference books; I made her believe that she had -done the work unaided, and she pocketed the hundred francs. But I -paid a heavy penalty. The publisher stipulated that my name, which -had come before the public as that of a playwright, should appear on -the title-page. It was literary prostitution, and my enemies, who -had predicted my incapacity of distinguishing myself in literature, -triumphed. - -After that I persuaded her to write an article for one of the morning -papers. She acquitted herself fairly well. The article was accepted, -but the paper made no payment. - -I wore myself out in trying to raise a sovereign, and, succeeding after -endless efforts, I handed it over to her with the white lie that it -represented her remuneration from the paper. - -Poor Marie! She was delighted to give her small earnings to her old -mother, who supplemented her income by letting furnished apartments. - -The old ladies began to look upon me as their saviour; copies of -translations, unanimously rejected by theatrical managers in bygone -days, appeared from drawers, where they had long lain forgotten. I was -credited with the wondrous capacity to effect their acceptance, and -burdened with futile commissions which interfered with my work and -caused me no end of trouble. I had to fall back on my small savings -because I wasted my time and used up my nervous energy; I could only -afford one meal a day, and reverted to my old habit of going to bed -without supper. - -Encouraged by her few little successes, Marie undertook to write a -play in five acts. I seemed to have sown into her soul all the sterile -seed of my poetic inspirations. In this virgin soil it germinated and -grew, while I remained unproductive, like a flower which shakes out its -seed and withers. My soul was lacerated, sick to death. The influence -of that little female brain, so different from the brain of a man, -disturbed and disordered the mechanism of my thoughts. I was at a loss -to understand why I thought so highly of her literary gifts, why I -kept on urging her to write, for with the exception of her letters to -me, which were mostly personal and frequently quite commonplace, I had -no proof that she could write at all. She had become my living poem; -she had taken the place of my vanished talent. Her personality was -grafted on mine and was dominating it. I existed only through her; I, -the mother-root, led an underground life, nourishing this tree which -was growing sunwards and promising wonderful blossoms. I delighted in -its marvellous beauty, never dreaming that the day would come when the -offshoot would separate from the exhausted trunk, to bloom and dazzle -independently, proud of the borrowed splendour. - -The first act of her play was finished. I read it. Under the spell of -my hallucination I found it perfect; I loudly expressed by sincere -admiration and heartily congratulated the author. She was herself -astonished at her talent, and I prophesied for her a brilliant future. -But all of a sudden our plans were changed. Marie's mother remembered -a friend, an artist, a very wealthy woman with a fine estate, and, -what was of greater importance still, closely in touch with one of our -leading actors whose wife was the rival and sworn enemy of the great -tragedienne, Marie's former friend. - -The artist, a spinster, vouched for the high moral standard of this -couple, and they expressed themselves ready to undertake the guidance -and supervision of Marie's studies until her first appearance in -public. Marie was invited to stay for a fortnight with her mother's -friend to discuss the matter. There she was to meet the great actor and -his wife who, to fill her cup of happiness, had used their influence -with the manager of the theatre on her behalf with very satisfactory -results. His former reported refusal was thereby entirely contradicted, -and turned out to have been a fabrication of her mother's, invented for -the sole purpose of keeping her daughter off the stage. - -Marie's future appeared to be safe. I could breathe freely, sleep -undisturbed, work. - -She stayed away for a fortnight. To judge from her scanty letters she -was anything but dull. Her new friends, to whom she had given proofs of -her talent, had told her that she would do well on the stage. - -On her return she engaged rooms in a farmhouse and arranged with the -farmer's wife to board her. She was free of her warders now, and we -could spend unchaperoned week-ends together. Life was smiling at us, a -little sadly, it is true, for a certain melancholy, the effect of her -divorce, always remained. But in the country the burden of convention -weighs less heavily than in town, and the summer sun soon dispelled the -gloom which hung over our lives. - - - - -II - - -Her appearance under the patronage of the two famous actors was -announced in the autumn and put a stop to all gossip. I did not -like the part chosen for her. It was a small character-part in -an old-fashioned play. But her teacher and patron counted on the -sympathy of the audience and the effect of a good scene, in which she -refused an aristocratic suitor who saw in her a rare ornament for his -drawing-room, and declared that in her eyes the noble heart of the poor -young man was infinitely more precious than all the wealth and title of -the nobleman. - -As I was dismissed from my post as her teacher, I was able to devote -all my time and attention to my scientific studies, and the writing of -a paper destined for some academy or other. This was necessary in order -to prove myself a man of letters and efficient librarian. With ardent -zeal I gave myself up to ethnographical research in connection with the -farthest East. It acted like opium on my brain, which was exhausted -by the struggles, cares and pains I had undergone. Inspired by the -ambition to show myself worthy of my beloved, whose future appeared in -the rosiest hues, I achieved wonders of industry; I shut myself up in -the vaults of the Royal Castle from morning till night; I suffered from -the damp and icy atmosphere without a complaint; I defied poverty and -need. - - * * * * * - -Marie's appearance in public was postponed by the death of her little -daughter, who died of brain fever; another month of tears, reproaches -and remorse followed. - -"It is a judgment on you," declared the child's grand-mother, glad to -thrust the poisoned dagger into the heart of the daughter-in-law whom -she hated because she had brought dishonour on her name. - -Marie was broken-hearted, and spent day and night at the bedside of the -dying child, under the roof of her former husband, chaperoned by her -late mother-in-law. The father was overcome with grief at the death of -his only child, and, bowed down with sorrow, he longed to meet again -the friend of former days, the witness of the past. One evening, a few -days after the little girl's funeral, my landlady informed me that the -Baron had called and had left a message to the effect that he hoped to -see me at his house. - -Considering the unusual circumstances which had led up to the breach, I -wanted anything but a reconciliation. I sent him a polite refusal. - -A quarter of an hour had hardly elapsed when Marie herself appeared, -dressed in deep mourning, her eyes full of tears, and begged me to -comply with the request of the inconsolable Baron. - -I found this mission in abominable taste. I rated her soundly, and -pointed out to her how ambiguous and unjustifiable in the eyes of the -world such a situation would be. She upbraided me with my prejudices, -implored me, appealed to my generous disposition, and ended by -overruling all my objections; I agreed to the indelicate proposal. - -I had sworn never again to enter the house in which the drama had been -enacted. But the widower had removed. He had taken rooms not far from -us; I was glad to be spared a renewed visit to the old place, and -accompanied the divorced wife on her visit to her late husband. - -The mourning, the evident grief, the grave and gloomy appearance of -the house all combined to rob our meeting of any trace of strangeness -or embarrassment. The habit of seeing these two people together was a -bar to any feeling of jealousy on my part, and the tactful and cordial -bearing of the Baron helped to reassure me completely. - -We dined together, we drank and played cards just as in the old days. - -On the following day we met in my room; on a third evening at Marie's, -who was now living in the house of an old lady. We fell into our former -habits, and Marie was happy to see us together. It comforted her, and -since we had ourselves under perfect control nobody was offended or -aggrieved. The Baron looked upon us as being secretly engaged, his love -for Marie seemed to be dead. Sometimes he even talked of his unhappy -love-affair, for Matilda was carefully watched by her father and out of -his reach.... Marie teased and comforted him alternately, and he made -no secret, now, of his true feelings. - -At parting their intimacy was more marked, but instead of rousing my -jealousy it merely excited my disgust. - -One day Marie told me that she had been to see the Baron, and stayed to -have dinner with him; she justified her visit by saying that she had to -talk to him on urgent business in connection with her daughter's estate -which the Baron inherited. - -I objected to this want of taste; in fact, I told her that her conduct -was downright indecent. She burst out laughing, teasingly reminded me -of my former railings against prejudice, and in the end I joined in her -laughter. It was ridiculous, it was unusual, but it was good form to -laugh at everything, and a splendid thing to see virtue rewarded. - -After that she visited the Baron whenever she pleased, and I believe he -helped her to study her part. - -Up to now we had had no quarrels, for any jealousy I might have -felt disappeared as soon as I got used to the state of things, and I -never quite lost the old illusion that they were husband and wife. -But one evening Marie came to see me alone. On helping her to remove -her cloak I noticed that her dress was somewhat deranged. It roused -my suspicions. She sat down on the sofa opposite the looking-glass, -talking volubly all the time. Her conversation struck me as forced, she -cast furtive glances at her reflection and stealthily tried to smooth -her hair. - -A horrible thought flashed into my mind. Unable to control my -agitation, I exclaimed-- - -"Where have you been?" - -"With Gustav." - -"What did you do there?" - -She started, but quickly suppressing her emotion, she replied-- - -"I was studying my part." - -"It's a lie!" - -She made an angry exclamation; she accused me of being absurdly -jealous, deluged me with explanations. I wavered, and as we were -invited out that evening I had to postpone all further investigation. - -Thinking of this incident to-day, I would swear a solemn oath that she -committed bigamy in those days, to say the least of it. But at that -time I was completely deceived by her trickery. What had happened?... -Probably this-- - -She had dined alone with the Baron; they had had coffee and liqueurs; -she was seized with that after-dinner lassitude; the Baron advised -her to lie down on the sofa and rest awhile, a proposal which did -not displease her ... and the rest followed as a matter of course. -Solitude, complete confidence, old memories, increased temptation, and -the lonely man succumbed. Why deny themselves, as long as no one knew? -She was her own mistress, since she had never taken money from her -lover, and to break a promise--what is that to a woman! Perhaps she -already regretted his loss; perhaps she had come to the conclusion that -he understood her needs better than I; perhaps, now that her curiosity -was satisfied, she yearned again for the stronger man; for in the -struggle for the love of a woman the sensitive and delicate lover, may -he be never so ardent, is always beaten by the athlete. - -It was more than probable that she gave herself to him, more especially -as she was free from responsibility and her woman's heart pitied the -lonely man. Had I been in the place of the offended husband should I -have acted otherwise? I hardly think so. - -But since the beloved lips never tired of using the sublime words -"honour," "decency," "morality," I refused to harbour any suspicions. - -For these reasons a woman will always get the better of her lover, if -he be a man of honour. He flatters himself that he is the only one, -because he wants' to be the only one, and the wish is father to the -thought. - -To-day Marie's loyalty seems to me in the highest degree improbable, -incredible, impossible. - -It was also a significant fact that the Baron, when we were alone -together, always manifested a lively interest in other women; and one -evening, after dining with him at a restaurant, he went so far as to -ask me for certain addresses. Doubtless this was done in order to -deceive me. - -Another thing which struck me was his attitude towards Marie; he -treated her with a somewhat contemptuous courtesy; she behaved like a -cocotte, and her passion for me seemed to be more and more on the wane. - - - - -III - - -At last Marie appeared before the footlights. She was a success for -many and complex reasons. Firstly, everybody was curious to see a -baroness on the stage; secondly, the middle-classes were sympathetic -because they delighted in the blow dealt to aristocratic prestige by -this divorce; the bachelors, the sexless, the enemies of matrimonial -slavery, lavished flowers on her; not to forget the friends and -relations of the great actor, who were interested in her because he had -been her teacher and was bringing her out. - -After the performance the Baron asked both of us, and the old lady with -whom Marie was living, to supper. - -Everybody was charmed with the result and intoxicated with the success. -I was displeased with Marie's appearance because she had not removed -her make-up, and her hair was still dressed as she had worn it on the -stage. She was no longer the virginal mother with whom I had fallen in -love, but an actress with insolent gestures, bad manners, boastful, -overbearing, behaving with a kind of offensive foppishness. - -In her imagination she had scaled the highest summits of art, and she -dismissed all my remarks, my suggestions, with a shrug of her shoulders -or a condescending, "My dear, you know nothing about it." - -The Baron wore a look of dejection, like an unhappy lover. But for my -presence he would have kissed her. Under the influence of an incredible -quantity of Madeira he opened his heart to us, and regretted that art, -the divine, should claim so many cruel sacrifices. The press--which -had been well managed--confirmed her success, and an engagement seemed -likely to follow. - -Two photographers fought for the honour of being permitted to -photograph the debutante. A successful little magazine sold the -portrait of the new star, together with her biography. - -What struck me most in looking at these new portraits was the fact -that not one of them resembled the old one in my possession. Was it -possible that her character, the expression of her face, could have -changed in so short a time, in a year? Or was she a different woman -when she reflected the love, the tenderness, the compassion which my -eyes radiated as soon as I looked at her? The expression of her face on -these portraits was vulgar, hard and insolent, every feature expressed -a cruel coquetry, a challenge. One pose in particular disgusted me. -She was represented leaning over the back of a low chair in such a -manner that the beholder could see her bosom, which was only partly -hidden by a fan resting against the upper part of her dress. Her eyes -seemed riveted on the eyes of an invisible person, not myself, for my -love, coupled with respect and tenderness, never caressed her with the -shameless sensuality which roused in her the passion of a wanton. The -photograph reminded me of those obscene pictures which are furtively -offered to the passers-by at the doors of low coffee-houses under cover -of the night. - -When she offered me this portrait I refused to accept it. - -"What!" she exclaimed in a piteous voice, which for a moment revealed -her carefully concealed want of true refinement, "you refuse my -photograph? Then you don't love me any more!" - -When a woman says to her lover, "You don't love me any more," she has -already ceased to love him. - -I knew from this moment that her love was growing cold. She realised -that her feeble soul had drawn from me the courage, the boldness -necessary to arrive at her goal, and she wanted to be rid of the -troublesome creditor. She had been stealing my thoughts while she -seemed to scorn them with her contemptuous, "You know nothing about it, -my dear!" - -This uncultured woman, whose only accomplishment was her fluent French, -whose education had been neglected, who had been brought up in the -country, who knew nothing of literature or the stage, to whom I had -given the first lessons in the correct pronunciation of Swedish, to -whom I had explained the secrets of metrics and prosody, treated me as -if I were an idiot. - -I advised her to select for her second appearance in public, which -was to take place shortly, the principal part in the best melodrama -on the repertoire. She refused. But a few days later she informed me -casually that the idea had occurred to her to choose this particular -part. I analysed it for her, sketched the costumes, drew her attention -to all the points to be made, showed her how to make her entrances and -exits, and pointed out to her the features which should be specially -emphasized. - -A secret struggle went on between the Baron and myself. He, who -stage-managed the performances of the Royal Guards, instructed the -play-acting soldiers, fondly imagining himself to be better acquainted -with theatrical affairs than I was. Marie valued his so-called hints -more highly; accepted him as her authority, scorned my suggestions. -Oh! the vileness of his conception of aesthetics! He extolled the -commonplace, the vulgar, the banal, because, as he said, it was true -nature. - -I admitted his arguments as far as modern comedy was concerned, for -here the characters are depicted among the thousand details of everyday -life. But his theory became impossible when applied, for instance, to -English melodrama; great passions cannot be expressed in the same way -as the whims and witticisms of a drawing-room conversation. - -But this distinction was too subtle for a mediocre brain, which could -only generalise and assume that because a certain thing happened in one -case, it must infallibly become the rule and happen in all others. - -On the day before her appearance Marie showed me her dresses. In spite -of my opposition and entreaties she had chosen a dull grey material, -most unbecoming to her because it gave her complexion an ashen hue. Her -only reply had been a curt repulse and the truly feminine argument-- - -"But Mrs. X., the great tragedienne, created the part in a grey dress!" - -"True, but Mrs. X. is not fair like you! And what suits a dark woman -doesn't always suit a fair one." - -She had not been able to see my point and had only been angry with me. - -I had prophesied a fiasco, and her second appearance really was a dead -failure. - -The tears, the reproaches, the insults even which followed! - -As misfortune would have it, a week later the great actress appeared -in the same part, in a special performance, and received cart-loads of -flowers. - -Of course Marie was furious with me and made me responsible for -her failure, simply because I had prophesied it; the grief and -disappointment brought her still nearer to the Baron; it drew them -together with the sympathy which always unites inferior characters. - -I, the man of letters, the playwright, the dramatic critic, at home -in all the literatures, through my work and position at the library -in correspondence with the finest intellects of the world, I was cast -aside like a worn-out garment, treated like an idiot, considered of no -more importance than a footman or a dog. - -But although her second appearance had been a failure, she was engaged -with a pay of 2,400 crowns[1] per annum. She had acquitted herself -fairly well, but she had no great career before her. She would never -rise above the level of a "useful actress"; she would be cast for small -parts, society women, mere dressed-up dolls, and spend her days at the -dressmaker's. Three, four, sometimes five different dresses on one and -the same evening would swallow up her insufficient pay. - -What bitter disappointments, what heart-rending scenes, as she watched -her parts grow smaller and smaller, until they consisted of a few -sentences only. Her room had the appearance of a dressmaker's workshop, -littered with dress materials, patterns and millinery. The mother, the -real _grande dame_ who had left her drawing-rooms, renounced dress -and fashion, to devote her life to a lofty ideal of art, had become a -bungling seamstress who worked at her sewing machine till midnight, so -that she might play before an indifferent bourgeoisie for a few minutes -the part of a society woman. - -The waste of time behind the scenes during rehearsal, when she stood in -the wings for hours waiting for her cue which should bring her before -the footlights to say two or three words, developed in her a taste for -gossip, for idle talk and risky stories; it killed all honest striving -to rise above her condition; the soul was shorn of its wings and was -flung to earth, into the gutter. - -The disintegrating process went on. She continued to deteriorate, and -after her dresses had been remodelled again and again for want of means -to buy new ones, she was deprived of even her small parts and degraded -to the role of a walker on. Poverty was staring her in the face, -and her mother, a modern Cassandra, made life a burden to her; the -public, well acquainted with her sensational divorce, and the premature -death of her little girl, cried out against the unfaithful wife, the -unnatural mother. It was but a question of time and the manager of the -theatre would not be able to protect her against the antipathy of the -audience; the great actor, her teacher, disowned her and admitted his -mistake in believing in her talent. - -So much ado, so much unhappiness, to humour a woman who did not know -her own mind. - -And still matters grew worse, for Marie's mother suddenly died of heart -disease, of a broken heart, as it was called, broken with sorrow, -caused by her unnatural daughter. Again my honour was involved. I -was furious with the injustice of the world, and made a desperate -effort to vindicate her honour. I proposed the foundation of a weekly -paper, for the discussion of the drama, music, literature and art, and -she, thankful now for every effort to help her, gratefully accepted -my proposal. In this paper she was to make her debut as a critic -and writer of feuilletons, and so gradually become acquainted with -publishers. She sunk two hundred crowns in the enterprise. I undertook -the editorial work and proof-reading. Since I was well aware of my -complete incapacity as a business manager, I left her to attend to the -sale and advertisements, the proceeds of which she was to share with -the manager of her theatre, who was also the proprietor of a news stall. - -The first number was set and looked very well indeed. It contained -a leader written by one of our rising artists; an original article -from a correspondent in Rome; another one from Paris; a critique on a -musical performance by a distinguished writer and contributor to one -of the first Stockholm papers; a literary review written by myself; a -feuilleton and reports on first nights by Marie. - -It would have been impossible to improve the arrangements made; the -great thing was to publish the first number at the time advertised. -Everything was ready, but at the last moment we lacked the necessary -funds and credit. - -Alas! I had put my fate into the hands of a woman! On the day of the -publication she remained calmly in bed and slept till broad daylight. - -Convinced that everything was well, I went to town, but everywhere on -my way I was greeted with sarcastic smiles. - -"Well, where is the wonderful paper to be had?" I was asked the -question dozens of times by the numerous people interested in its -appearance. - -"Everywhere!" - -"Or nowhere!" - -I went into a newspaper shop. - -"We haven't received it yet," said the assistant behind the counter. - -I rushed to the printing-office. It had not left the press yet. - -A complete failure! We had an angry scene. Her inborn carelessness and -ignorance of the publishing trade exonerated her to some extent. She -had completely relied on her friend, the theatrical manager. - -The two hundred crowns were gone. My time, my honour, the eager thought -I had devoted to the scheme, all were wasted. - -In this general shipwreck one haunting thought remained: our condition -was hopeless. - -I proposed that we should die together. What was to become of us? She -was quite broken down and I had not the strength to lift her up a -second time. - -"Let us die," I said to her. "Don't let us degenerate into walking -corpses and obstruct the path of the living." - -She refused. - -What a coward you were, my proud Marie! And how cruel it was of you to -make me a witness of the spectacle of your downfall, the laughter and -sneers of the onlookers! - -I spent the evening at my club, and when I went home that night I was -intoxicated. - -I went to see her early on the following morning. The alcohol seemed -to have made me more clear-sighted. For the first time I noticed the -change in her. Her room was untidy, her dress slovenly, her beloved -little feet were thrust into a pair of old slippers, the stockings hung -in wrinkles round her ankles. What squalor! - -Her vocabulary had become enriched by some ugly theatrical slang; her -gestures were reminiscent of the street, her eyes looked at me with -hatred, an expression of bitterness drew down the corners of her mouth. - -She remained stooping over her work, without looking at me, as if she -were thinking evil thoughts. - -Suddenly, without raising her head, she said hoarsely-- - -"Do you know, Axel, what a woman is justified in expecting from the man -with whom she is on intimate terms, such as we are?" - -Thunderstruck, unwilling to trust my ears, I faltered-- - -"No ... what?" - -"What does a woman expect from her lover?" - -"Love!" - -"And what else?" - -"Money!" - -The vulgar word saved her from further questioning, and I left her, -convinced that I had guessed correctly. - -"Prostitute! Prostitute!" I said to myself, stumbling through the -streets, the autumnal appearance of which depressed my spirits. We -had arrived at the last stage.... All that remained to do was to make -payment for pleasures received, to admit the trade without shame. - -If she had been poor, at least, suffering from want! But she had just -come into her mother's money, the entire furniture of a house, and a -number of shares, some of doubtful value, but nevertheless representing -two or three thousand crowns; moreover, she was still receiving her pay -regularly from the theatre. - -I could not understand her attitude ... until suddenly I remembered her -landlady and intimate friend. - -She was an abominable, elderly woman, with the suspicious manners of -a procuress; nobody knew how she lived; she was always in debt, yet -always extravagantly and strikingly dressed; somehow she managed to -ingratiate herself with people, and she always ended by asking them -for a small loan, eternally bewailing her miserable existence. A shady -character, who hated me because I saw through her. - -Now I suddenly remembered an incident which had happened two or three -months ago, but which had not interested me at the time. The woman had -extracted a promise from a friend of Marie's to lend her a thousand -crowns. The promise had remained a promise. Eventually Marie, giving -way to pressure and anxious to save the reputation of her friend, who -was badly compromised, guaranteed to find the money, and actually -raised the sum. But instead of gratitude she reaped nothing but -reproaches from her friend, and when it came to explanations, the -old-woman insisted on her perfect innocence and laid the full blame on -Marie's shoulders. I had at the time expressed my dislike and distrust -of her, and urged Marie to have nothing to do with an individual whose -manipulations came very close to blackmail. - -But she had exonerated her false friend at the time.... Later on she -told a different story altogether, talked of a misunderstanding; in the -end the whole incident became "an invention of my evil imagination." - -Possibly this woman had suggested to Marie the vile idea of "presenting -me with the bill." It must have been so, for the suggestion had not -been made easily and was most unlike her. I tried to make myself -believe it, hope it. - -If she had merely asked me for the money which she had invested in the -paper, the money which had been lost through her fault--that would -have been female mathematics. Or, if she had insisted on an immediate -marriage! But she had no wish to be married, I was sure of that. It was -a question of paying for the love, the kisses she had given me. It was -payment she demanded.... Supposing I sent her in my bill: for my work -according to time and quality, for the waste of brain power, of nerve -force, for my heart's blood, my name, my honour, my sufferings; the -bill for my career, ruined, perhaps, for ever. - -But no, it was her privilege to send in the first bill; I took no -exception to that. - -I spent my evening at a restaurant, wandered through the streets and -pondered the problem of degradation. Why is it so painful to watch a -person sink? It must be because there is something unnatural in it, for -nature demands personal progress, evolution, and every backward step -means the disintegration of force. - -The same argument applies to the life of the community where everybody -strives to reach the material or spiritual summits. Thence comes the -tragic feeling which seizes us in the contemplation of failure, tragic -as autumn, sickness and death. This woman, who had not yet reached her -thirtieth year, had been young, beautiful, frank, honest, amiable, -strong and well-bred; in two short years she had been so degraded, had -fallen so low. - -For a moment I tried to blame myself; the thought that the fault was -mine would have been a comfort to me, for it would have made her -shame seem less. But try as I would, I did not succeed, for had I -not taught her the cult of the beautiful? the love of high ideals? -the longing to do noble acts? While she adopted the vulgarities of -her theatrical friends, I had improved, I had acquired the manners -and language of fashionable society, I had learned that self-control -which keeps emotion in check and is considered the hall-mark of good -breeding. I had become chaste in love, anxious to spare modesty, not -to offend against beauty and seemliness, for thus only can we forget -the brutality of an act which to my mind is much more spiritual than -physical. - -I was rough sometimes, it is true, but never vulgar. I killed, -but never wounded. I called a spade a spade, but never hinted and -insinuated; my ideas were my own, prompted by the situations in which I -happened to find myself; I never tried to dazzle with the witticisms of -musical comedies or comic papers. - -I loved cleanliness, purity, beauty in my daily surroundings; I -preferred to refuse an invitation to accepting it and appearing badly -dressed. I never received her in dressing-gown and slippers; I may not -always have been able to offer a guest more than bread and butter and a -glass of beer, but there was always a clean table-cloth. - -I had not set her a bad example; it was not my fault that she had -deteriorated. Her love for me was dead, therefore she did not want to -please me any longer. She belonged to the public, it was that fact -which had made her the wanton who could calmly present her bill for so -many nights of pleasure.... - -During the next few days I shut myself up in my library. I mourned -for my love, my splendid, foolish, divine love. All was over, and the -battlefield on which the struggle had raged was silent and still. Two -dead and so many wounded to satisfy a woman who was not worth a pair -of old shoes! If her passion had at least been roused by the longing -for motherhood, if she had been guided by the unrealised instincts -which force those unfortunates who are mothers on the streets! But -she detested children; in her eyes motherhood was degrading. Unnatural -and perverse woman that she was, she debased the maternal instinct to -a vulgar pleasure. Her race was doomed to extinction because she was -a degenerate, in the process of dissolution; but she concealed this -dissolution under high-sounding phrases, proclaimed that it was our -duty to live for higher ends, for the good of humanity at large. - -I loathed her now, I tried to forget her. I paced the room, up and -down, up and down, before the rows of book-shelves, unable to rid -myself of the accursed night-mare which haunted me. I had no desire for -her, or for her company, for she inspired me with disgust; and yet a -deep compassion, an almost paternal tenderness made me feel responsible -for her future. I knew that if I left her to her own devices, she would -go under, and end either as the mistress of her late husband, or the -mistress of all the world. - -I was powerless to lift her up, powerless to struggle out of the morass -into which we had fallen. I resigned myself to remain tied to her, -even if I had to witness and share in her downward course. She was -dragging me down with her--life had become a burden to me, I had lost -all enthusiasm for my work. The instinct of self-preservation, hope, -were dead. I wanted nothing, desired nothing. I had developed into a -complete misanthrope; I frequently turned away from the door of my -restaurant and, forgoing dinner, returned home, threw myself on my sofa -and buried myself under my rugs. There I lay, like a wild beast that -has received its death wound, rigid, with an empty brain, unable to -think or sleep, waiting for the end. - -One day, however, I was sitting in a back room of my restaurant, a -private room where lovers meet and shabby coats hide themselves, both -afraid of the daylight. All at once a well-known voice woke me from my -reverie: a man wished me a good afternoon. - -He was an unsuccessful architect, a lost member of our late Bohemia, -which was now scattered to all the winds. - -"You are still among the living, then?" he said, sitting down opposite -me. - -"I am ... but what about you?" - -"I'm so-so ... off to Paris to-morrow ... some fool left me ten -thousand crowns." - -"Lucky dog!" - -"Unfortunately I have to devour it all by myself...." - -"The misfortune is not so great, I know a set of teeth ready to help -you." - -"Really? Would you care to come?..." - -"Only too glad to!" - -"Is it a bargain then?" - -"It's a bargain." - -"To-morrow night, by the six o'clock train, to Paris...." - -"And afterwards?..." - -"A bullet through the head!" - -"The devil! Where did you get this idea from?" - -"From your face! Suicide is plainly written on it!" - -"Haruspex! Well, pack up and come along!" - -When I saw Marie that night I told her the good news. She listened with -every appearance of pleasure, wished me a pleasant time, and repeated -again and again that it would do me a world of good, would refresh me -mentally. In short, she seemed well pleased, and overwhelmed me with -affection, which touched me deeply. - -We spent the evening together, talking of the days which had gone -by. We made no plans, for we had lost faith in the future. Then we -parted.... For ever? ... The question was not mooted; we silently -agreed to leave it to chance to reunite us or not. - - -[1] A Swedish crown is equivalent to 1s. 4d. - - - - -IV - - -The journey really rejuvenated me. It stirred up the memories of my -early youth and I felt a mad joy surging in my heart; I wanted to -forget the last two years of misery, and not for one single moment did -I feel inclined to speak of Marie. The whole tragedy of the divorce was -like a repulsive heap of offal, from which I was eager to fly without -turning round. I could not help smiling in my sleeve at times, like a -fugitive who is firmly resolved not to be taken again; I felt like a -debtor who has escaped from his creditors and is hiding in a distant -country. - -For two weeks I revelled in the Paris theatres, museums and libraries. -I received no letters from Marie, and was beginning to hope that she -had got over our separation and that everything was well in the best of -all possible worlds. - -But after a certain time I grew tired of wandering about, and sated -with so many new and strong impressions; things began to lose their -interest. I stayed in my room and read the papers, oppressed by vague -apprehensions, by an inexplicable uneasiness. - -The vision of the white woman, the Fata Morgana of the virginal mother -began to haunt me and disturbed my peace. The picture of the insolent -actress was wiped out of my memory; I remembered only the Baroness, -young, beautiful; her fragile body transfigured and clothed with the -beauty of the Land of Promise, dreamed of by the ascetes. - -I was indulging in those painful and yet delicious dreams when I -received a letter from Marie, in which she informed me in heartbreaking -words that she was about to become a mother, and implored me to save -her from dishonour. - -Without a moment's hesitation I packed my portmanteau. I left Paris by -the first train for Stockholm. I was going to make her my wife. - -I had no doubt about the paternity of the expected baby. I looked -upon the result of our irregular relations as a blessing, as the end -of our sufferings; but also as a fact which burdened us with a heavy -responsibility, which might spell ruin; at the same time, however, it -was the starting point into the unknown; something quite new. Moreover, -I always had a very high conception of married life; I considered it -the only possible form under which two persons of opposite sex could -live together. Life together held no terror for me. My love received a -fresh stimulus from the fact that Marie was about to become a mother; -she arose purified, ennobled, from the mire of our illicit relationship. - -On my arrival at Stockholm she received me very ungraciously and -accused me of having deceived her. We had a painful scene--but need -she have been so surprised after all that had happened during the last -twelve months? - -She hated matrimony. Her objectionable friend had impressed upon her -that a married woman is a slave who works for her husband gratuitously. -I detest slaves, and therefore proposed a modern _menage_, in keeping -with our views. - -I suggested that we should take three rooms, one for her, one for -myself and a common room. We should neither do our own housekeeping, -nor have any servants in the house. Dinner should be sent in from -a neighbouring restaurant, breakfast and supper be prepared in -the kitchen by a daily servant. In this way expenses were easily -calculated and the causes for unpleasantness reduced to a minimum. - -To avoid every suspicion of living on my wife's dowry, I suggested -that it should be settled on her. In the North a man considers himself -dishonoured by the acceptance of his wife's dowry, which in civilised -countries forms a sort of contribution from the wife, and creates in -her the illusion that her husband is not keeping her entirely. To avoid -a bad start it is the custom in Germany and Denmark for the wife to -furnish the house; this creates the impression on the husband that he -is living in his wife's house, and in the latter that she is in her own -home, maintaining her husband. - -Marie had recently inherited her mother's furniture, articles without -any intrinsic value, their only claim to distinction being a certain -sentimental merit of old association and an air of antiquity. She -proposed that she should furnish the rooms, arguing that it would be -absurd to buy furniture for three rooms when she had enough for six. I -willingly agreed to her proposal. - -There only remained one more point, the main one, the expected baby. -We were agreed on the necessity of keeping its birth a secret, and we -decided to place it with a reliable nurse until such time as we could -adopt it. - -The wedding was fixed for the 31st of December. During the remaining -two months I strained every nerve to make adequate provision for -the future. For this purpose, and knowing that Marie would soon be -compelled to renounce her work at the theatre, I renewed my literary -efforts. I worked with such ease that at the end of the first month I -was able to offer for publication a volume of short stories, which was -accepted without difficulty. - -Fortune favoured me; I was appointed assistant-librarian with a salary -of twelve hundred crowns, and when the collections were transferred -from the old building to the new one I received a bonus of six hundred -crowns. This was good fortune indeed, and taken together with other -favourable omens I began to think that a relentless fate had tired of -persecuting me. - -The first and foremost magazine in Finland offered me a post on the -staff as reviewer at fifty crowns for each article. The official -Swedish Journal, published by the Academy, gave me the much-coveted -order to write the reviews on art for thirty-five crowns the column. -Besides all this I was entrusted with the revision of the classics -which were being published at that time. - -All this good fortune came to me in those two months, the most fateful -months of my whole life. - -My short stories appeared almost immediately and were a great success. -I was hailed as a master of this particular style; it was said that the -book was epoch-making in the literature of Sweden, because it was the -first to introduce modern realism. - -It was unspeakable happiness to me to lay at the feet of my poor, -adored Marie a name which, apart from the titles of a royal secretary, -and assistant-librarian, was beginning to be known, with every prospect -of a brilliant future. - -Some day I should be able to give her a fresh start, to re-open her -theatrical career, which for the moment had been interrupted by, -perhaps, undeserved misfortune. - -Fortune was smiling at us with a tear in the eye.... - -The banns were published. I packed my belongings and said good-bye to -my attic, the witness of many joys and sorrows. I marched into that -prison which all fear, but which, perhaps, we had less cause to dread -than others, since we had foreseen all dangers, removed all stumbling -blocks.... And yet.... - - - - -PART III - - - -I - - -What inexpressible happiness it is to be married! To be always near -the beloved one, safe from the prying eyes of the fatuous world. It is -as if one had regained the home of one's childhood with its sheltering -love, a safe port after the storm, a nest which awaits the little ones. - -Surrounded by nothing but objects which belonged to her, mementoes and -relics of her parents' house, I felt as if I were a shoot grafted on -her trunk; the oil paintings of her ancestors deluded me into thinking -that I had been adopted by her family, because her ancestors will also -be the ancestors of my children. I received everything from her hand; -she made me wear her father's watch and chain; my dinner was served on -her mother's china; she poured on me a continuous stream of trifling -presents, relics of old times, which had belonged to famous warriors -celebrated by the poets of her country, a fact which impressed me not -a little. She was the benefactress, the generous giver of all these -gifts, and I entirely forgot that it was I who had reclaimed her, -lifted her out of the mire, made her the wife of a man with brilliant -prospects; forgot that she had been an unknown actress, a divorced wife -condemned by her sisters, a woman whom very probably I had saved from -the worst. - -What a happy life we led! We realised the dream of freedom in marriage. -No double-bed, no common bed-room, room, no common dressing-room; -nothing unseemly degraded the sanctity of our union. Marriage as we -understood and realised it was a splendid institution. The tender -good-nights, repeated again and again; the joy of wishing each other -good-morning, of asking how we had slept, were they not due to the fact -that we occupied separate rooms? How delightful were the stolen visits -to each other, the courtesy and tenderness which we never forgot! -How different compared with the brazen boldness, the more or less -graciously endured brutalities which are as a rule inseparable from -matrimony. - -I got through an amazing amount of work, staying at home by the side -of my beloved wife who was sewing tiny garments for the expected baby. -What a lot of time I had wasted in rendezvous and idleness in the days -gone by! - - * * * * * - -After a month of the closest companionship Marie was laid up with a -premature confinement. We had a tiny daughter, hardly able to draw -breath. Without a moment's delay the baby was taken charge of by a -nurse whom we knew to be a decent woman, and two days later it passed -away as it had come, without pain, from sheer want of vitality, just -after it had received private baptism. - -The mother received the news with regret, but it was regret not -unmingled with relief. A burden of infinite cares and worries had -fallen off her shoulders, for well she knew that social prejudice would -not have permitted her to keep the prematurely-born infant under our -own roof. - -After this incident we firmly made up our minds to one thing: No more -children! We dreamed of a life together, a life of perfect comradeship, -of a man and a woman, loving and supplementing each other, but living -their own lives, restlessly straining every nerve to realise their -individual ambitions. - -Now that every obstacle had been removed, every threatening danger -overcome, we began to breathe freely and reconsider our position. I -was ostracised by my relations, no meddlesome member of my family -threatened the peace of our home, and since the only relative of my -wife's who lived on the spot was her aunt, we were spared the frequent -calls and visits which so often give rise to serious troubles and -trials in a young _menage_. - - - - -II - - -Six weeks later I made the discovery that two intruders had insinuated -themselves into my wife's confidence. - -One of them was a dog, a King Charles, a blear-eyed little monster, -which greeted me with deafening yelping and barking every time I -entered the house, just as if I had been a stranger. I always disliked -dogs, those protectors of cowards who lack the courage to fight an -assailant themselves; but I particularly disliked this dog, because -it was a relic of her first marriage, a constant reminder of her late -husband. - -The first time I protested, and ordered it to lie down, my wife -reproached me gently, and made excuses for the little beast, which she -called her late daughter's legacy, pretending to be horror-struck at -this suddenly revealed strain of cruelty in my disposition. - -One day I found traces of the little monster on the drawing-room -carpet. I punished it, and she called me a coward who ill-treated dumb -creatures. - -"But what else could I do, my dear? It's no use arguing with animals; -they don't understand our language." - -She began to cry, and sobbingly confessed that she could not help being -afraid of a cruel man.... - -And the monster continued to dirty the drawing-room carpet. - -I decided to take the trouble to train the dog, and did my utmost -to convince her that a little perseverance does wonders with an -intelligent animal. - -She lost her temper, and for the first time drew my attention to the -fact that the carpet belonged to her. - -"Take it away, then; I never undertook to live in a pig-sty." - -The carpet remained where it was, but the dog was watched more -carefully; my remonstrances had some effect. - -Nevertheless fresh catastrophes occurred. - -In order to keep down our expenditure and save the trouble and expense -of a kitchen fire, we decided to have a cold supper in the evening. -Entering the kitchen accidentally on one occasion, I was amazed to find -a roaring fire and the maid engaged in frying veal cutlets. - -"Who are these cutlets for?" - -"For the dog, sir." - -My wife joined us. - -"My dear girl----" - -"Excuse me, I paid for them!" - -"But I have to be content with a cold supper! I fare worse than your -dog.... And I, too, pay." - -She paid! - -Henceforth the dog was looked upon as a martyr. Marie and a friend, a -brand-new friend, adopted the habit of worshipping the beast, which -they had decorated with a blue ribbon, behind locked doors. And the -dear friend heaved a sigh at the thought of so much human malice -incarnate in my detestable person. - -An irrepressible hatred for this interloper who was everywhere in -my way, took possession of me. My wife, with a down pillow and some -blankets, made a bed for it which obstructed my way whenever I wanted -to say good-morning or good-night to her. And on every Saturday, the -day I looked forward to through a week of toil, counting on a pleasant -evening with her alone when, undisturbed, we could talk of the past and -make plans for the future, she spent three hours with her friend in the -kitchen; the maid made up a blazing fire; the whole place was turned -upside down--and why? Because Saturday was the monster's tub-day. - -"Don't you think you are treating me heartlessly, cruelly?" - -"How dare you call her heartless?" exclaimed the friend. "A gentler -soul never breathed. Why, she doesn't even shrink from sacrificing her -own and her husband's happiness to a poor forsaken animal!" - -Some little time after I sat down to a dinner which was below criticism. - -For some time past the food which was sent in daily from a neighbouring -restaurant had been steadily deteriorating, but my beloved wife, with -her irresistible sweetness, had made me believe that I had grown more -fastidious. And I had not doubted her word, for I always took her at -her own valuation and looked upon her as the soul of truth and candour. - -The fatal dinner was served. There was nothing on the dish but bones -and sinews. - -"What is this you are putting before me?" I asked the maid. - -"I am sorry, sir," she replied, "but I had orders to reserve the best -pieces for the dog." - -Beware of the woman who has been found out! Her wrath will fall on your -head with fourfold strength. - -She sat as if struck by lightning, unmasked, shown up as a liar, a -cheat even, for she had always insisted that she was paying for the -dog's food out of her own pocket. Her pallor and silence made me feel -sorry for her. I blushed for her, and hating to see her humiliated, -I behaved like a generous conqueror, and tried to console her. I -playfully patted her cheek and told her not to mind. - -But generosity was not one of her virtues. She burst into a torrent -of angry words: My origin was very evident; I had no education, no -manners, since I rebuked her before a servant, a stupid girl who had -misunderstood her instructions. There was no doubt that I, and I only, -was to blame. Hysterics followed, she grew more and more violent, -jumped up from her chair, threw herself on the sofa, raved like a -maniac, sobbed and screamed that she was dying. - -I was sceptical, and remained untouched. - -Such a fuss, and all about a dog! - -But she continued to scream; it was a frightful scene; a terrible -cough shook her frame, which since her confinement had grown even more -fragile; I was deceived after all, and sent for the doctor. - -He came, examined her heart, felt her pulse, and surlily turned to go; -I stopped him on the threshold. - -"Well?" - -"H'm! nothing at all," he answered, putting on his overcoat. - -"Nothing?... But...." - -"Nothing whatever.... You ought to know women.... Good day!" - -If I had only known then what I know now, if I had known the secret, -the remedy for hysteria which I have discovered since! But the only -thing which occurred to me at the time was to kiss her eyes and ask her -pardon. And that was what I did. She pressed me to her heart, called -me her sensible child who should take care of her because she was very -delicate, very weak, and would die one day if her little boy had not -the sense to avoid scenes. - -To make her quite happy I took her dog upon my knees and stroked its -back; and for the next half hour I was rewarded with looks full of the -tenderest affection and gratitude. - -From that day the dog was allowed to do exactly as it liked, and it -dirtied the place without shame or restraint. Sometimes it seemed to -me that it did it out of revenge. But I controlled my temper. - -I waited for a favourable opportunity, for the happy chance which would -deliver me from the torture of a life spent in an unclean home.... - -And the moment arrived. On returning to dinner one day, I found my wife -in tears. She was in great distress. Dinner was not ready. The maid was -looking for the lost dog. - -Hardly able to conceal my joy, I made every effort to comfort my -inconsolable wife. But she could not understand my sympathy with her -grief, for she realised my inward satisfaction in finding the enemy -gone. - -"You are delighted, I know you are," she exclaimed. "You find amusement -in the misfortunes of your friends. That shows how full of malice you -are, and that you don't love me any more." - -"My love for you is as great as ever it was, believe me, but I detest -your dog." - -"If you love me, you must love my dog too!" - -"If I didn't love you, I should have struck you before now!" - -The effect of my words was startling. To strike a woman! Carried away -by her resentment, she reproached me with having turned out her dog, -poisoned it. - -We went to every police-station, we paid a visit to the knacker, and in -the end the disturber of our peace and happiness was recovered. My wife -and her friend, regarding me as a poisoner, or at any rate a potential -poisoner, celebrated its recovery with great rejoicings. - -Henceforth the monster was kept a prisoner in my wife's bedroom; that -charming retreat of love, furnished with exquisite taste, was turned -into a dog's kennel. - -Our small flat became uninhabitable, our home-life full of jars. I -ventured to make a remark to the effect, but my wife replied that her -room was her own. - -Then I started on a merciless crusade. I left her severely alone; and -by and by she found my reserve unbearable. - -"Why do you never come to say good-morning to me now?" - -"Because I can't get near you." - -She sulked. I sulked too. For another fortnight I lived in celibacy. -Then, tired out, she found herself compelled to make friends. She took -the first step, but she hated me for it. - -She decided to have the troublesome interloper destroyed. But instead -of having it done forthwith, she invited her friend to assist her -in the enactment of a farewell farce, entitled "The Last Moments of -the Condemned." She went to the length of begging me on her knees -to embrace the wretched little brute as a proof that I harboured no -ill-will, arguing that dogs might possibly have an immortal soul and -that we might meet again in another world. The result was that I gave -the dog its life and freedom, an action which found its reward in her -gratitude. - -At times I fancied that I was living in a lunatic asylum, but one does -not stand upon trifles when one is in love. - -This scene, "The Last Moments of the Condemned," was renewed every six -months during the next three years. - -You, reader, who read this plain tale of a man, a woman and a dog, will -not deny me your compassion, for my sufferings lasted three times three -hundred and sixty-five days of twenty-four hours each. You will perhaps -admire me, for I remained alive. If it be true, however, that I am -insane, as my wife maintains, blame no one but myself, for I ought to -have had the courage to get rid of the dog once and for all. - - - - -III - - -Marie's friend was an old maid of about forty years, mysterious, full -of ideals with which I had lost all sympathy long ago. - -She was my wife's consoler. In her arms she wept over my dislike of -her dog. She was a ready listener to Marie's abuse of matrimony, the -slavery of women. - -She was rather reserved and careful not to interfere; anyhow I noticed -nothing, for I was completely preoccupied with my work. But I had an -idea that she was in the habit of borrowing small sums from my wife. -I said nothing until one day I saw her carrying off some of the table -silver with the intention of pawning it for her own benefit. - -I said a word or two about it to Marie, and gave her to understand that -even under the dotal system this sort of comradeship was very unwise. -She never dreamed of helping me, her husband and best friend, in this -way, although I was in difficulties and worried by debts. - -"Since you listen to such proposals from strangers," I said to her, -"why not lend me your shares? I could raise money on them." - -She objected, arguing that the shares had fallen so low as to be -practically valueless and consequently unsaleable. Moreover it was -against her principles to transact business with her husband. - -"But you don't object to a stranger, who can give you no security -whatever, who lives on a pension of seventy-five crowns, per annum! -Don't you think it wrong to refuse to help your husband who is trying -to make a career, and provision for you when you have spent your own -money, not to mention the fact that your interests are identical with -his?" - -She yielded, and the loan of three thousand five hundred francs, or -thereabouts, in doubtful shares, was granted. - -From this day onward she looked upon herself as my patroness, and told -everybody who cared to listen that she had safeguarded my career by -sacrificing her dowry. The fact of my being a well-known writer before -I had ever set eyes on her was quite lost sight of. But it was bliss to -me to look up to her, to be indebted to her for everything: my life, my -future, my happiness. - -In our marriage contract I had insisted on settling all her property -on herself, partly because her financial affairs were chaos. The Baron -owed her money; but instead of paying her in cash, he had guaranteed -a loan which she had raised. In spite of all my precautions I was -requested by the bank on the morning after our wedding to guarantee the -sum. My objections were so much waste of breath; the bank did not look -upon my wife as responsible, since by her second marriage she had again -legally become a minor. To my great indignation I was compelled to sign -the guarantee, to put my signature by the side of that of the Baron. - -In my perfect simplicity I had no idea of what I was doing. It merely -seemed to me that what every man of the world would have done in my -place, was the right thing to do. - - * * * * * - -One evening, while I was closeted in my room with a friend, the Baron -called. It was his first call since our wedding. My predecessor's -visit seemed to me in bad taste, to say the least of it; but since he -did not mind meeting me, I pretended to be pleased to see him. When -I accompanied my friend to the door, however, I did not think it -necessary to introduce him. Later on, my wife reproached me for the -omission, and called me unmannerly. I accused both her and the Baron of -tactlessness. - -A violent quarrel ensued, in which she called me a boor. One word led -to another, and certain pictures were mentioned which had once belonged -to the Baron, but were now decorating my walls. I begged her to send -them back to him. - -"You cannot return presents without hurting the giver," she exclaimed. -"He doesn't dream of returning the presents you gave him, but keeps -them as a proof of his friendship and trust." - -The pretty word "trust" disarmed me. But my eye fell on a piece of -furniture which awakened unpleasant memories. - -"Where does this writing-table come from?" - -"It was my mother's." - -She was speaking the truth, although she omitted to add that it had -passed through her first husband's house. - -What a strange lack of delicacy, what bad form, how utterly regardless -of my honour! Was it done intentionally so as to depreciate me in the -eyes of my fellow-men? Had I fallen into a trap set by an unscrupulous -woman? I wondered.... - -Yet I surrendered unconditionally without struggling against her subtle -logic, convinced that her aristocratic bringing-up ought to serve me as -a guide in all doubtful cases where my education did not suffice. She -had a ready answer to everything. The Baron had never bought a single -piece of furniture. Everything belonged to her--and since the Baron did -not scruple to keep my wife's furniture, I need not scruple to accept -all articles which belonged to my own wife. - -The last phrase: "Since the Baron did not scruple to keep my wife's -furniture," caused me lively satisfaction. Because the pictures which -hung in my drawing-room were proofs of a noble trust and evidenced the -ideal character of our relationship, they remained where they were; -I even carried simplicity to the length of telling all inquisitive -callers who cared to know who the giver of those landscapes was. - -I never dreamed in those days that it was I, the man belonging to the -middle-classes, who possessed tact and delicacy, instincts which are -as frequently found amongst the lower strata of society as they are -wanting in men and women of the upper ones, where coarse minds are only -too often cleverly concealed under a thin layer of veneer. Would that -I had known what manner of woman she was in whose hands I had laid my -fate! - -But I did not know it. - - - - -IV - - -As soon as Marie had got over her confinement, which compelled her to -live quietly for a time, she was seized with a craving for excitement. -Under the pretext of studying her art, she visited the theatres and -went to public entertainments while I stayed at home and worked. -Protected by the title of a married woman, she was received in circles -which had been closed to the divorced wife. She was anxious that I -should accompany her, for she considered the fact of her husband's -absence prejudicial to her best interests. But I resisted, and -while claiming for myself personal freedom, according to our verbal -agreement, I allowed her absolute liberty, and let her go where she -pleased. - -"But no one ever sets eyes on the husband," she objected. - -"People will understand him," I replied. - -The husband! The very way in which she pronounced the word conveyed -opprobrium; and she fell into the habit of treating me with a certain -amount of superciliousness. - -During the solitary hours which I spent at home I worked at my -ethnographical treatise, which was to be the ladder on which I hoped -to climb to promotion at the library. I was in correspondence with -all the learned authorities in Paris, Berlin, Petersburg, Irkutsk and -Peking, and, seated at my writing-table, I held in my hand the threads -of a perfect net of inter-relations which stretched all over the world. -Marie did not approve of this work. She would have preferred to see me -engaged in writing comedies, and was angry with me. I begged her to -await results, and not condemn my work prematurely as waste of time. -But she would have none of these Chinese researches which brought in -no money. A new Xanthippe, she severely tried my Socratic patience by -reiterating that I was frittering away her dowry--her dowry! - -My life was a strange mingling of sweetness and bitterness, and one -of my greatest worries was Marie's theatrical career. In March it was -rumoured that the company of the Royal Theatre would be reduced at the -end of May, the period when contracts were renewed. This gave rise -to fresh floods of tears during the next three months, in addition -to the usual every-day grievances. The house was overrun by all the -failures from the Royal Theatre. My soul, broadened and uplifted by the -knowledge I had acquired, and the growth and development of my talent, -rebelled against the presence of these unfit ones, these incapables -who possessed no culture, who were detestable on account of their -vanity, their ceaseless flow of banalities, uttered in the slang of the -theatre, which they called new truths. - -I became so sick of the torture of their tittle-tattle that I begged -to be in future excused from my wife's parties. I urged her to cut her -connection with those mental lepers, those disqualified ones, whose -presence must of necessity depress us and rob us of our courage. - -"Aristocrat!" she sneered. - -"Aristocrat, if you like, but aristocrat in the true sense of the -word," I replied; "for I yearn for the summits of genius, not for the -mole-hills of the titled aristocracy. Nevertheless, I suffer all the -sorrows of the disinherited." - -When I ask myself to-day how I could have lived for years the slave -of a woman who treated me disgracefully, who shamelessly robbed me in -company of her friends and her dog, I come to the conclusion that it -was thanks to my moderation, to my ascetic philosophy of life, which -taught me not to be exacting, especially in love. I loved her so much -that I irritated her, and more than once she plainly showed me that -my passionate temperament bored her. But everything was forgotten and -forgiven at those rare moments when she caressed me, when she took my -throbbing head into her lap, when her fingers played with my hair. -This was happiness unspeakable, and like a fool I stammered out the -confession that life without her would be impossible, that my existence -hung on a thread which she held in her hand. In this way I fostered -a conviction in her that she was a higher being, and the consequence -was that she treated me with flattery and blandishments as if I were a -spoilt child. She knew that I was in her power, and did not scruple to -abuse it. - -When the summer came she went into the country and took her maid with -her. She moreover persuaded her friend to accompany her, for she was -afraid of feeling lonely during the week when my work kept me at the -library. It was in vain that I objected, that I reminded her that her -friend was not in a position to pay, and that our means were limited; -Marie looked upon me as a "spirit of evil," and reproached me with -speaking ill of everybody. I gave in eventually, in order to avoid -unpleasantness. I gave in--alas! I always gave in. - -After a whole week's loneliness I welcomed Saturday as a red-letter -day. With a jubilant heart I caught an early train and then set out -joyfully for half-an-hour's walk under the scorching sun, carrying -bottles and provisions for the week. My blood danced through my veins, -my pulse throbbed at the thought of seeing Marie in a few moments; she -would come to meet me with open arms, her hair flying in the breeze, -her face rosy with the sweet country air. In addition I was hungry and -looking forward to a gay little dinner, for I had eaten nothing since -my early breakfast. At last the cottage among the fir-trees, close to -the lake, came in sight. At the same time I caught a glimpse of Marie -and her friend, in light summer dresses, stealing away to the bathing -vans. I shouted to them with all the power of my lungs. They could -not help hearing me, for they were well within earshot. But they only -hastened their footsteps, as if they were running away from me, and -disappeared into a bathing van. What did it mean? - -The maid appeared as soon as she heard my footsteps in the house; she -looked uneasy, afraid. - -"Where are the ladies?" - -"They have gone to bathe, sir." - -"When will dinner be ready?" - -"Not before four o'clock, sir. The ladies have only just got up, and I -have been busy helping the young lady to dress." - -"Did you hear me call?" - -"Yes, sir." - -... So they had really run away from me, driven from my presence by an -uneasy conscience, and, hungry and tired as I was, I had to wait for a -couple of hours for my dinner. - -What a reception after a week full of hard work and longing! The -thought that she had run away from me like a school-girl caught -breaking the rules stabbed me like a dagger. - -When she returned to the house I was fast asleep on the sofa, and in -a very bad temper. She kissed me as if nothing had happened, trying -to prevent the storm from breaking. But self-control is not always -possible. A hungry stomach has no ears, and a distressed heart is not -soothed by deceitful kisses. - -"Are you angry?" - -"My nerves are on edge, don't irritate me." - -"I'm not your cook!" - -"I never said you were, but don't prevent the cook we have from doing -her work!" - -"You forget that Amy, as our paying guest, is entitled to the services -of our maid." - -"Didn't you hear me calling?" - -"No!" - -She was telling me lies.... I felt as if my heart would break. - -Dinner--my eagerly-looked-for dinner--was a long torture. The afternoon -was dismal; Marie wept and inveighed against matrimony, holy matrimony, -the only true happiness in the world, crying on the shoulder of her -friend, covering her villainous little dog with kisses. - -Cruel, false, deceitful--and sentimental! - -And so it went on during the whole summer in infinite variety. I spent -my Sundays with two imbeciles and a dog. They were trying to make me -believe that all our unhappiness was due to my irritable nerves and -persuade me to consult a doctor. - -I had intended to take my wife for a sail on Sunday morning, but she -did not get up before dinner time; after dinner it was too late. - -And yet this tender-hearted woman, who tortured me with pin-pricks, -cried bitterly one morning because the gardener was killing a rabbit -for dinner, and confessed to me in the evening that she had been -praying that the poor little beast's sufferings might be short. - -Not long ago I saw somewhere a statement made by a psychopathist to the -effect that an exaggerated love for animals combined with indifference -towards the sufferings of one's fellow-creatures is a symptom of -insanity. - -Marie could pray for a rabbit and at the same time torment her husband -with smiling lips. - -On our last Sunday in the country she took me aside, talked in -flattering terms of my generosity, appealed to my kind heart and begged -me to cancel Miss Amy's debt to us, pleading her very small means. - -I consented without discussing the matter, without telling her that -I had anticipated the suggestion, foreseen the trick, the inevitable -trick. But she, armed to the teeth with arguments, even when she was -unopposed, continued-- - -"If not, I could, if necessary, pay her share for her!" - -No doubt she could have done so. But could she have paid for the -annoyance and trouble caused by her friend?... - -Ah, well--husband and wife must not fall out over trifles. - - - - -V - - -In the commencement of the new year a general crisis shook the credit -of the old country, and the Bank which had issued the shares lent to me -by Marie failed. I received notice that the loan would be called in. I -was forced to pay cash for the sum I had been compelled to guarantee. -It was a heavy blow, but after endless difficulties I came to terms -with the creditors, who agreed to a year's respite. It was a terrible -year, the worst period of my life. - -As soon as things were a little more settled I began to make every -effort to extricate myself. - -In addition to my work at the library I started a novel on modern -morals and customs; filled newspapers and periodicals with essays, -and completed my scientific treatise. Marie, at the expiration of her -contract with the theatre, was re-engaged for another year, but her pay -was reduced to fourteen hundred crowns.... Now I was better off than -she, for she had lost her capital in the general smash. - -She was in a vile temper, and made me suffer for it. To re-establish -the equilibrium, and thinking of nothing but her independence, she -attempted to raise a loan, but these attempts proved abortive and -only led to unpleasantness. Acting thoughtlessly, despite her good -intentions, she did me harm with her efforts to save herself and render -my task more easy. I appreciated her good intentions, but I could not -help remonstrating. - -Always capricious and wayward, she showed unmistakable signs of malice -and fresh events disclosed a state of mind which filled me with -apprehension. - -A fancy-dress ball, for instance, was given at the theatre, and I -had her promise not to attend the ball in male attire. She had bound -herself by a solemn oath, for I had been very emphatic on the subject. -On the morning after the ball I was told that she had not only broken -her promise, but that she had gone to supper later on with some of her -male friends. - -I was angry because she had lied to me, and the thought of the -subsequent supper made me feel uneasy. - -"Well," she replied, when I expostulated with her, "am I not free to -please myself?" - -"No, you are a married woman! You bear my name, and we are responsible -to each other. Whenever you compromise yourself, you compromise me, -and, in fact, you do me a greater injury than you do yourself." - -"That means that I am not free?" - -"Nobody can be absolutely free in a community where every individual is -inextricably mixed up with the fate of others. Supposing I had invited -some women friends to supper, what would you have said?" - -She insisted that she was free to do as she liked; that she was at -liberty, if she felt so inclined, to ruin my reputation; that her -freedom was, in fact, absolute. She was a savage; freedom, as she -interpreted it, was the rule of an autocrat who trampled the honour and -happiness of her fellow creatures into the dust. - -This scene, which began with a quarrel, led to floods of tears and -ended with hysterics, was followed by another which made me feel even -more uneasy, more especially as I was not sufficiently initiated into -the secrets of sexual life to deal with its anomalies, which terrified -me, like all anomalies which are difficult of explanation. - -One evening, when the maid was busy making up Marie's bed for the -night, I heard a half-suppressed scream and smothered laughter, as if -some one were being tickled. I felt a sudden fear; an inexplicable -terror and a wave of passionate anger swept over me; I opened the door -quickly and caught Marie, with her hands on the girl's shoulders, in -the act of pressing her lips upon her white throat. - -"What are you doing," I exclaimed furiously, "are you mad?" - -"I am only teasing her," answered Marie cynically. "What has that to do -with you?" - -"It has everything to do with me! Come here!" - -And under four eyes I explained to her the nature of her offence. - -But she accused me of a vicious imagination, told me that I was -perverted and saw vice everywhere. - -It is a fatal thing to catch a woman red-handed. She deluged me with -abuse. - -In the course of the discussion I reminded her of the love she had -confessed to have felt for her cousin, pretty Matilda. With an -expression of angelic innocence she replied that she herself had been -amazed at the strength of her feelings, as she had never thought it -possible for one woman to be so deeply in love with another. - -This naive confession reassured me. I remembered that one evening, at -my brother-in-law's, Marie had quite openly spoken of her passionate -love for her cousin, without blushing, without being conscious that -there was anything at all unusual in her conduct. - -But I was angry. I recommended her to beware of fancies which, though -harmless to begin with, degenerated only too often into vice and led to -disastrous results. - -She made some inane reply, treated me like a fool--she loved treating -me as if I were the most ignorant of ignoramuses--and finished off by -saying that I had been telling her a pack of lies. - -What was the use of explaining to her that offences of that sort were -legal offences? What was the use of trying to convince her that medical -books termed caresses calculated to arouse amorous feelings in others -"vicious"? - -I, I was the debauchee, steeped in vice. Nothing could persuade her to -stop her innocent gambols. - -She belonged to that class of unconscious criminals who should be -confined in a house of correction and not allowed to be at large. - -Towards the end of the spring she introduced a new friend, one of her -colleagues, a woman of about thirty, a fellow sufferer, threatened, -like Marie herself, with the lapse of her contract, and therefore, -in my opinion, worthy of compassion. I was sorry to see this woman, -once a celebrated beauty, reduced to such straits. No one knew why her -contract was not to be renewed, unless it was because of the engagement -of the daughter of a famous actress; one triumph always demands -hecatombs of victims. - -Nevertheless, I did not like her; she was self-assertive and always -gave me the impression of a woman on the look-out for prey. She -flattered me, tried to fascinate me, in order, no doubt, to take -advantage of me. - -Jealous scenes took place occasionally between the old friend and the -new one, one abused the other, but I refused to take sides.... - -Before the summer was over Marie was expecting another baby. Her -confinement would take place in February. It came upon us like a bolt -from the blue. It was now necessary to strain every effort to make port -before the fatal day dawned. - -My novel appeared in November. It was an enormous success. Money was -plentiful, we were saved! - -I had reached the goal. I breathed freely. I had made my way; I was -appreciated at last and hailed with acclamations as a master. The years -of trouble and black care were over; we were looking forward to the -birth of this child with great joy. We christened it in anticipation -and bought Christmas presents for it. My wife was happy and proud of -her condition, and our intimate friends fell into the habit of asking -how "the little chap" was, just as if he had already arrived. - -Famous now and content with my success, I determined to rehabilitate -Marie and save her ruined career. To achieve this I planned a play -in four acts, and offered it to the Royal Theatre. It contained a -sympathetic part in which she had every chance of reconquering the -public. - -On the very day of her confinement I heard that the play was accepted -and that she had been cast for the principal part. - -Everything was well in the best of all worlds; the broken tie between -me and my family was firmly reknitted by the birth of the baby. The -good time, the spring-time of my life had arrived. There was bread in -the house, and even wine. The mother, the beloved, the adored, was -taking new pleasure in life, and had regained all her former beauty. -The indifference and neglect with which she had treated her first baby -were transformed into the tenderest care for the newborn infant. - - - - -VI - - -Summer had come again. I was in a position to ask for a few months' -leave, which I purported spending with my--family in the solitude of -one of the green islands on the shores of the Stockholm Archipelago. - -I was beginning to reap the harvest of my scientific researches. My -treatise was read by the Academie des Inscriptions et Belles Lettres -in the Institut de France. I was elected a member of several foreign -scientific societies, and the Imperial Russian Geographical Society -conferred its medal upon me. - -At the age of thirty I had won an excellent position in the literary -and scientific world and a brilliant future lay before me. It was pure -happiness to lay my trophies at Marie's feet.... But she was angry with -me because I had "disturbed the equilibrium." I had to make myself -small to spare her the humiliation of having to look up to her husband. -Like the good-natured giant in the fable I allowed her to pull my -beard, and as a consequence she presumed on my good-nature. She took a -pleasure in belittling me before the servants and before her friends -who were on visiting terms with us, especially her women friends. -She gave herself airs; raised by me on a pedestal, she posed-as my -superior, and the more insignificant I pretended to be, the more she -trampled on me. I deliberately fostered in her the delusion that I -had to thank her for my fame, which she did not understand and which -she apparently thought little of. I took a positive delight in making -myself out to be inferior to her. I contented myself with being no -more than the husband of a charming woman, and eventually she came to -believe that she, and not I, possessed genius. This applied even to -the details of everyday life. Being an excellent swimmer myself, for -instance, I taught her to swim. In order to encourage her, I simulated -nervousness, and the pleasure she took in ridiculing my efforts -and talking of her own grand achievements was a constant source of -amusement to me. - -The days passed; into the worship of my wife as mother a new thought -stole and began to haunt me persistently: I was married to a woman of -thirty--a critical age, the beginning of a period full of dangers and -pitfalls--I could see indications every now and then which made me feel -nervous, indications, perhaps not fraught with disaster for the moment, -but which carried in them the germ of discord. - -After her confinement physical antagonism came to be added to -incompatibility of temper; sexual intercourse between us became odious. -When her passion was aroused, she behaved like a cynical coquette. -Sometimes she took a malicious delight in making me jealous; at other -times she let herself go to an alarming extent, possibly, I thought, -under pressure of licentious and perverse desires. - -One morning we went out in a sailing boat, accompanied by a young -fisherman. I took charge of tiller and mainsail, while the lad was -attending to the foresail. My wife was sitting near him. The wind -dropped and silence reigned in the boat. All at once I noticed that -the young fisherman, from under his cap, was casting lewd glances in -the direction of my wife's feet.... Her feet? ... Perhaps there was -more to be seen; I could not tell from where I sat. I watched her. Her -passionate eyes devoured the young man's frame. In order to remind her -of my presence I made a sudden gesture, like a dreamer rousing himself -from a dream. She pulled herself together with an effort, and, her eyes -resting on the huge tops of his boots, she clumsily extricated herself -from an awkward position by remarking-- - -"I wonder whether boots of this sort are expensive?" - -What was I to think of such a stupid remark? - -To divert her mind from the voluptuous current of her thoughts, I made -the lad change places with me under some pretext or other. - -I tried to forget this irritating scene; tried to persuade myself that -I had been mistaken, although similar scenes were stored up in my -memory, recollections of her burning eyes scrutinising the lines of my -body underneath my clothes. - - * * * * * - -A week later my suspicions were re-awakened by an incident which once -and for all destroyed all my hopes of ever seeing this perverse woman -realise my ideal of motherhood. - -One of my friends spent a week-end with us. He made himself very -agreeable to her. She rewarded his courtesy by flirting with him -outrageously. It grew late; we said good-night to each other and -separated. I thought that she had gone to bed. - -Half-an-hour later I heard voices on the balcony. I stepped out -quickly, and found wife and friend sitting together, drinking liqueurs. -I treated the matter as a joke, but on the following morning I -reproached her with making me a public laughing-stock. - -She laughed, called me a man of prejudices, cursed with a fantastic and -vicious imagination ... in fact, deluged me with her whole repertory of -futile arguments. - -I lost my temper; she had hysterics and played her part so well that I -apologised for doing her an injustice. Doing her an injustice--when I -considered her conduct absolutely culpable! - -Her final words silenced me completely. - -"Do you think," she said contemptuously, "I could bear to go through -divorce proceedings a second time?" - -And brooding over my troubles I slept with the calm of the duped -husband. - -What is a coquette?... A woman who makes advances. Coquetry is nothing -but making advances. - -And what is jealousy?... The fear of losing one's most precious -possession.... The jealous husband? A ridiculous individual because of -his absurd objection to lose his most precious possession. - - - - -VII - - -Success followed success. All our debts were paid. It rained money. -But although a great proportion of my income went towards household -expenses, our financial position was chaos. Marie, who kept the -accounts and had the cash, was always clamouring for more money, and -her constant demands were the cause of violent scenes. - -Her contract with the theatre was not renewed. It goes without saying -that I had to bear the consequences. It was all my fault!... If only -she had never married me!... The part which I had written for her was -forgotten; she had indeed completely ruined it, for she had bungled it, -and played it without the slightest conception of its subtleties. - -About this time much interest was aroused in what has been called the -"woman question." The famous Norwegian male blue-stocking had written -a play on the subject, and all feeble minds were obsessed by a perfect -mania of finding oppressed women everywhere. I fought against those -foolish notions, and consequently was dubbed "mysogynist," an epithet -which has clung to me all my life. - -A few home-truths on the occasion of our next quarrel threw Marie into -a violent fit of hysterics. It was just after the greatest discovery of -the nineteenth century in the treatment of neurotic diseases had been -made. The remedy was as simple as all great truths. - -When the screams of the patient were at their loudest, I seized a -water-bottle and thundered the magic words-- - -"Get up, or I shall pour this water over you!" - -She stopped screaming at once--and shot at me a look of sincere -admiration, mingled with deadly hatred. - -For a moment I was taken aback, but my reawakened manhood would not be -denied.... - -Again I lifted the water-bottle-- - -"Stop your screaming, or I shall pour this water over you!" - -She rose to her feet, called me a blackguard, a wretch, an -impostor--signs that my remedy had been effective. - -Husbands, duped or otherwise, believe me, for I am your sincere friend: -this is the secret of the great cure for hysterics; remember it, maybe -the time will come when you need it. - - * * * * * - -From that day my death was irrevocably settled. My love began to detest -me. I knew too much of female cunning; there was no room for me in this -world. The sex had determined my physical and mental destruction, and -my own wife, as the avenging fury, had accepted the awful and difficult -mission of torturing me to death. - -She began her task by introducing her friend into the house as a -tenant, persuading her to rent a furnished room contiguous to our -flat; she did that in spite of my most violent opposition. She went -to the length of suggesting that she should take her meals with us, -a proposition which I fought tooth and nail. But notwithstanding my -protest and all my precautions, I was constantly brought into contact -with the intruder. I could almost fancy that I was a bigamist. The -evenings which I should have spent in my wife's company I spent by -myself, for she remained invisible, closeted with her friend. They -enjoyed themselves in her room at my expense, smoking my cigarettes -and drinking my wine. I hated the woman, and since I could not hide my -feelings--at any rate not sufficiently--I many a time brought on my -head Marie's wrath for having been found wanting in courtesy towards -the "poor child." - -Not satisfied with having estranged Marie from husband and child--the -baby was boarded out with a neighbour, a termagant of forty-five years -of age--the fair friend demoralised the cook; the consumption of beer -rose to the almost incredible quantity of five hundred bottles a month; -my cook sat in the kitchen intoxicated, fast asleep; the food was -wasted. - -The fair friend was a _mangeuse d'hommes_, and I was her prey. - -One day Marie showed me a cloak which she said she wanted to buy. I -disapproved the colour and cut, and advised her to choose another. The -friend, who happened to be present, kept it for herself, and I forgot -all about it. Two weeks later I received a bill for a cloak bought -by my wife. I inquired into the matter and found that Marie had lent -herself to a trick well known by the theatrical demi-monde. - -As usual, she was furious with me when I asked her to break off her -connection with the adventuress.... - -And things grew worse and worse. - -A few days later Marie, trying to work on my feelings, posing as the -submissive wife, asked me, quite humbly, whether I had any, objection -to her chaperoning the "poor child" on a visit to an old friend of -her late father's, whom she intended to ask for a loan. The request -struck me as so strange that it set me thinking, especially when I took -into account her friend's bad reputation. I implored Marie, for our -child's sake, to open her eyes, to rouse herself from the trance in -which she seemed to live, and which would surely end with her complete -ruin--her only reply was a repetition of her old phrase: "Your base -imagination...." - -And still matters declined. - -Her friend gave a luncheon for the secret purpose of beguiling on this -occasion a well-known actor into making her a proposal of marriage. A -fresh revelation awaited me, a revelation which effectually roused me -from my lethargy. - -Champagne had been drunk, and the ladies had taken more than was good -for them. Marie was reclining in an arm-chair, and before her knelt her -friend, kissing her on the lips. The famous actor, interested in the -strange spectacle, called to one of his friends, and pointing at the -couple as if he were bringing proof of an accusation, exclaimed-- - -"Look here! D'you see?" - -Doubtless he was alluding to certain rumours, and there was a hidden -meaning in the laughing words. - -As soon as we arrived home, I implored Marie to shake off this fatal -infatuation and be more careful of her reputation. She made no secret -of the pleasure she found in kissing pretty women; her friend was not -the only one of her colleagues whom she treated in this way; at the -theatre, in the dressing-rooms she bestowed the same favour on others. - -She had no intention of denying herself this pleasure, this innocent -pleasure, which in my perverted imagination only was vicious. - -It was impossible to make her see her conduct in a different light; -there was but one remedy.... - - * * * * * - -She was again going to be a mother; this time she was furious, but her -condition kept her at home for a time. - - - - -VIII - - -After her confinement she changed her tactics. Whether she was -influenced by fear of the consequences of her perverted passions, or -whether her female instincts had been reawakened, I cannot say. She -paid a great deal of attention to young men; but she did it too openly -to make me really, jealous. - -Without an engagement, with nothing to occupy her time, full of whims, -despotic, she was bent on war with me to the knife. - -One day she tried to prove to me that it was cheaper to keep three -servants than two. As I thought it waste of time to argue with a -lunatic, I simply turned her out of my room. - -She swore vengeance. She engaged a third maid, who was absolutely -superfluous in the house. Consequently no work was done at all. -Everything was turned upside down, the three girls quarrelled all day -long, drank beer and entertained their lovers at my expense. - -To complete the picture of my matrimonial happiness, one of my children -fell ill. This brought two more servants into the house and the visits -of two doctors. At the end of the month I had to face a deficit of five -hundred crowns. I redoubled my energies to meet the expenses, but the -strain on my nerves was beginning to tell. - -She was for ever taunting me with having squandered her more than -doubtful dowry, and forced me to make an allowance to her aunt in -Copenhagen. This woman accused me of having wasted her "fortune," and -her incredibly silly arguments irritated me beyond endurance. She -affirmed that Marie's mother, on her deathbed, had distinctly expressed -the wish that she should share my wife's inheritance. I failed to see -what that had to do with me, for the "fortune" which she was to inherit -existed in imagination only; but the fact remained that the burden of -the aunt, who was lazy and incapable, was added to my other burdens. -I gave way in the matter; I even agreed to guarantee a sum of money, -raised by an older friend, adventuress number one, for my beloved wife -had hit on the idea of selling me her favour. I admitted everything -for the privilege of kissing her; I admitted having wasted her dowry, -squandered her aunt's "fortune," ruined her theatrical career by -marrying her, even having undermined her health. - -Holy matrimony was degraded to legal prostitution. - -She carefully treasured up all my admissions, and worked them into a -legend which the papers greedily snapped up later on, and which was -assiduously spread by all those of her friends whom I had turned out, -one after the other. - -My ruin had become an obsession with her. At the end of the year -I found that I had given her twelve thousand crowns for household -expenses, and I was compelled to ask my publishers for a sum in advance. - -Whenever I reproached her with her extravagance, she invariably -replied-- - -"Well, why have children and make your wife miserable? When I consider -that I gave up a splendid position to marry you...." - -But I had an answer to that taunt-- - -"As Baroness, my dear, your husband gave you three thousand crowns and -debts. I give you three times as much, more than three times as much." - -She said nothing, but she turned her back upon me, and in the evening -I admitted all her charges; I agreed that three thousand is three times -as much as ten thousand that I was a blackguard, a miser, a "bel ami," -who had risen at the expense of his adored wife, adored more especially -in her nightgown. - -She poured all her venom into the first chapter of a novel, the subject -of which was the exploitation of an oppressed wife by a criminal -husband. Through my writings, on the other hand, always glided the -white wraith of a lovely golden-haired woman, a madonna, a young -mother. I was for ever chanting her praises, creating a glorious myth -round the figure of the wondrous woman who by God's grace had been sent -to brighten the thorny path of a poet.... - -And the critics never tired of lauding the "good genius" of a -pessimistic novelist, of pouring on her full measures of entirely -undeserved praise.... - -The more I suffered under the persecutions of my shrew, the more -eagerly I strove to weave a crown of light for her sacred head. The -more I was depressed by the reality, the more I became inspired by my -hallucinations of her loveliness ... alas for the magic of love! - - - - -IX - -MIDSUMMER IN WINTER - -Winter night, the streets forsaken, - Ice-king holds the world in thrall; -Sudden gusts of wind awaken -Eerie sounds, the walls are shaken - By the wild, rebellious call. - -Gay as gods we have been dining, - All alone, just you and I. -Light the candles, let their shining -Drive out darkness and repining, - Perfect joy is nigh. - -Draw the blinds, the shutters tighten! - Safely screened from prying eyes, -Take the cup and pledge me! brighten -Winter-gloom with song, and lighten - Darkness with sweet harmonies. - -Sing of woods, or sing the wonder - Of the sea, serene and bland; -Or the sea, that lashed asunder -Breaks in crashing peals of thunder - On the foam-flecked sand. - -Like a great enchanted river, - Full of witchcraft is your voice; -See my pelargoniums quiver -Like a leafy wood a-shiver - In the breeze when daylight dies. - -On my screen, her ensign flying, - Leaps a brig with white sails set; -Snugly on the hearthrug lying -Silky fur with sable vying, - Sleeps your Persian cat. - -In the mirror's clear perspective - I can see our little home; -Wrapped in dreams, my introspective -Humour conjures up affective - Scenes of past joys, joys to come. - -On the desk where I was writing - Falls the candle's mellow glow; -Falls on virgin sheets, exciting -Rose-warm blushes, softly lighting - Their unblemished snow. - -In your chamber's sweet seclusion, - Hung with green, a vernal nook, -I can glimpse a wild confusion-- -Tangled skeins in rank profusion - Cover work and household book. - -In the glass our eyes are meeting; - Flashing blue, like tempered steel -Are your glances, but a fleeting -Smile from tender lips in greeting, - Tells me that your heart is leal. - -Radiant brow, my soul entrancing, - Puts the candle-light to shame; -From your jewels flashing, dancing -Sparks are flying and enhancing - Long-lashed eyes' alluring flame. - -Hush! the bell disturbs the slumber - Of the house--the postman's ring! -Let him be! His dreary lumber -Shall not darken and encumber - Love's eternal spring. - -Letter-box holds proofs and letters - Safely under lock and key; -Sing and play! Till morn unfetters -These officious care-begetters - Love our guerdon be. - -Sing, beloved, my soul's desire! - World holds, naught but you and me; -Sing with lips no love can tire, -Sing of passion's quenchless fire, - Fill the night with ecstasy! - - - -X - - -There were times when I had no doubt that my wife hated me and wished -to get rid of me in order to marry again. - -Sometimes strange reflections in the expression of her face made me -suspect her of having a lover, and her coldness towards me strengthened -my suspicion; all of a sudden my smouldering jealousy burst into fierce -flames, our marriage was shaken to its very foundations, and hell -opened wide at our feet. - -My wife declared that she was ill, suffering from some vague disease of -the spine or the back, she was uncertain which. - -I sent for the family doctor, an old college friend of mine. He -diagnosed rheumatic knots on the muscles of the back, and prescribed -a course of massage. I had no objection to make, for there seemed to -be no doubt of the reality of the disease. As I had no idea of the -intimate nature of the treatment, I remained completely absorbed in my -literary work, and paid no attention whatever to the progress of the -cure. My wife did not appear to be dangerously ill, for she came and -went as usual, visited the theatres, never refused an invitation, and -was always the last to leave a party. - -One evening, at a small gathering of friends, some one suddenly began -to bewail the dearth of lady doctors. The speaker maintained that it -must be very unpleasant for a woman to undress before a stranger, and, -turning to Marie, he said-- - -"Am I not right? Isn't it very unpleasant?" - -"Oh! a doctor doesn't count." - -The nature of the treatment was revealed to me by a sudden flash. I -noticed an expression of sensuality on Marie's face, an expression -which had puzzled me for some time, and a terrible suspicion gripped -my heart. She undressed before a notorious voluptuary! And I had been -completely ignorant of it. - -When we were alone, I asked her for an explanation. - -She described the treatment, apparently quite unconcerned. - -"But don't you mind?" - -"Why should I mind? - -"You always appeared to me almost prudish in your modesty." - -Two days later the doctor called to see one of the children. Seated in -my room, I overheard a more than strange conversation between him and -my wife. They were laughing and whispering. - -Presently they entered my room, the smile still on their lips. Plunged -in sinister speculations, my mind kept wandering from the subject of -our conversation; by and by it drifted to women patients. - -"You thoroughly understand women's complaints, don't you, old boy?" I -said. - -Marie looked at me. She was furious. There was so much hatred blazing -in her eyes that I felt a cold thrill running down my back. - -When the doctor had left, she turned on me furiously. - -"Prostitute!" I flung the word into her face. It escaped my lips -against my will, giving expression to an intuitive flash which I had -not had time to analyse. The insult came home to me and oppressed me. -My eyes fell on the children, and with a contrite heart I apologised. - -But she remained angry, so angry that nothing would soften her. - -To make amends for the great injustice which I had done her, and to -some extent, also, influenced by her hatred, I conceived the idea -of arranging for her a pleasure trip to Finland in the shape of a -theatrical tour, extending over several weeks. - -I started negotiations with theatrical managers, succeeded in coming to -terms, and raised the money. - -She went to Finland, where she won patriotic victories and a number of -laurel wreaths. - -I was left alone with the children. I fell ill. Believing myself to -be on the point of death, I sent her a telegram, asking her to return -home. As she had fulfilled all her engagements, this did not interfere -with business. - -On her return I was better; she accused me of having brought her back -on false pretences, telegraphed lies, merely to take her away from her -relations and her native country.... - -Soon after her return I noticed a new phase, a phase which filled me -with increased uneasiness. Contrary to her former habits, she gave -herself to me unreservedly. - -What was the reason? I wondered, but I felt no inclination to probe too -deeply.... - -On the next morning and the days which followed she talked of nothing -but the pleasant time she had spent in Finland. Carried away for the -moment by her memories, she told me that she had made the acquaintance -of an engineer on the steamer, an enlightened, up-to-date man, who had -convinced her that there was no such thing as sin in the abstract, -and that circumstances and destiny alone were responsible for all -happenings. - -"Certainly, my dear," I agreed, "but for all that our actions do not -fail to draw their consequences after them. I admit that there is no -such thing as sin, because there is no personal God; nevertheless we -are responsible to those we wrong. There may be no sin in the abstract, -but crime will exist as long as there is a Law. We may smile at the -theological conception of it, but vengeance or, rather, retribution, -remains a fact, and the aggressor never escapes." - -She had grown grave, but pretended not to understand me. - -"Only the wicked revenge themselves," she said at last. - -"Agreed; but with so many wicked people in the world, who can be sure -that he is dealing with a man brave enough not to retaliate?" - -"Fate guides our actions." - -"True; but Fate also guides the dagger of the avenger." - - * * * * * - -... At the end of the month she had a miscarriage, sufficient proof, I -thought, of her infidelity. And from that moment suspicion grew slowly -into certainty and filled my heart with bitterness. - -She did her utmost to persuade me that I was "mad," that my suspicions -were but the figments of an overworked brain. And once again she -forgave me. To mark our reconciliation I wrote a play containing a -splendid part for her, a part which it was impossible to ruin. On the -seventeenth of August I handed her the play together with the deed of -gift, which conferred on her all the rights. She could do with it what -she liked as long as she herself played the part which I had written -for her. It was the result of two months' strenuous work. She accepted -it without a word of thanks, a sacrifice due to Her Majesty, the -second-rate actress. - - - - -XI - - -Our housekeeping went from bad to worse. I was unable to interfere, -for she regarded every opinion expressed by me, every suggestion of a -change made by me, as an insult. I had to remain passive, powerless in -face of the wanton extravagance of the servants who wasted the food and -neglected the children. - -There was nothing but misery, discomfort and quarrels. When she -returned from her journey to Finland, the expenses of which I had paid -in advance, she had two hundred crowns in her pocket, the financial -result of her performances.... Since she kept the cash I made a mental -note of the sum, and when she asked me for money, long before the date -on which it was due, I asked her, surprised by the unexpected demand, -what she had done with her money? She replied that she had lent it -to her friend, and argued that according to the law she was free to -dispose of all moneys earned by her. - -"And I?" I replied.... Moreover, to withdraw housekeeping money is not -disposing.... - -"It's a different thing in the case of the woman!" - -"In the case of the oppressed woman, you mean? In the case of the -female slave who permits the man to defray, the whole expenses of the -household? These are the logical consequences of the humbug called 'the -emancipation of woman.'" - -Emile Augier's prophesies in the _Fourchambault_, with reference to the -dotal system have indeed been fulfilled. The husband has become the -slave of the wife. And there are plenty of men who allow themselves to -be deceived to such an extent that they dig their own graves. Fools! - -While the misery of my married life slowly unfolded itself, as a ribbon -winds off a spool, I took advantage of my literary reputation to tilt -at foolish prejudice and attack antiquated superstitions. I wrote -a volume of satires. I threw a handful of pebbles at the principal -charlatans of the metropolis, not forgetting the sexless women. - -I was at once denounced as a writer of pamphlets. Marie was strong in -her disapproval, and immediately made friends with the enemy. She was -respectability personified, and complained bitterly of the misery of -being tied to a scandalmonger! She lost sight of the fact that the -satirist was also a famous novelist and had made a name as a playwright. - -She was a saint, a martyr. She deplored the dismal prospects of her -unhappy children. They would have to bear the consequences of the -dishonourable actions of a father who had squandered their mother's -dowry, ruined her theatrical career, ill-treated her.... - -One day a paragraph appeared in one of the papers stating that I -was insane; a brochure, written to order and paid for in cash, -spread abroad the martyrdom of Marie and her friends; not one of the -absurdities which her little brain had hatched was forgotten. - -She had won the game. - -And as she saw me go down before my enemies, she assumed the role -of the tender mother, weeping over the prodigal son. Amiable to all -the world, except to me, she drew all my friends over to her side, -false ones and true ones alike. Isolated, in the power of a vampire, -I abandoned all attempt at defence. Could I raise my hand against the -mother of my children, the woman whom I loved? - -Never! - -I succumbed. She surrounded me with kindness--abroad, at home she had -nothing for me but contempt and insults. - - * * * * * - -I was exhausted by overwork and misery; I suffered much from headaches, -nervous irritability, indigestion ... the doctor diagnosed catarrh of -the stomach. - -It was a very unexpected result of mental strain. - -It was strange that the illness did not break out until after I had -decided to go abroad, the only means of escape, so it seemed to me, -from the net woven round me by those countless friends who were -everlastingly condoling with my wife. The symptoms of this mysterious -malady first showed themselves on the day succeeding a visit to the -laboratory of an old friend, from where I had taken a bottle of -cyanide; it was to bring me release, and I had locked it in a piece of -furniture belonging to my wife. - -Paralysed and depressed, I was lying on the sofa, watching my children -at play, thinking of the beautiful days that lay behind me, preparing -myself for death. - -I determined to leave nothing in writing which could throw light on the -cause of my death and my sinister suspicions. - -I was ready to make my exit, disappear from ken, killed by the woman -whom I forgave with my last breath. - -Marie was watching me out of the corners of her eyes; wondering, -perhaps, how much longer I should linger on this earth, before I left -her to enjoy in peace the income which the collected works of the -famous writer would yield her, and the sum which doubtless Government -would grant her towards the education of the children. - -She was a success in my play, so big a success that the critics called -her a great tragedienne. She almost burst with pride. She was allowed -to choose her next part; the result was a complete fiasco. Now she -could no longer deny the fact that it was I who had made her, that she -had to thank me for her laurels, and feeling herself in my debt, the -strength of her hatred increased. She besieged the various theatrical -managers, but could find no engagement. Eventually I was obliged to -reopen negotiations with Finland. I was willing to leave my country, my -friends, my publisher, to settle in the midst of her friends who were -my enemies. But Finland would have none of her. Her career was over. - -During all this time she led the life of a woman free from all duties -as mother and wife. My health did not permit me to accompany her to the -artistic circles which she frequented, and consequently she went alone. -Sometimes she did not come home until early in the morning, very often -she was intoxicated and made sufficient noise to wake up the whole -house. I could hear her stumbling into the night nursery where she -slept. - -What is a man to do in a case of this sort? Is he to denounce his own -wife? Impossible! Divorce her? No! I looked upon the family as an -organism, like the organism of a plant; a whole, of which I was a part. -I could not exist independently of it; without the mother, life seemed -impossible to me, even if I had had the custody of the children. My -heart's blood, transmitted through my wife, flowed through the veins of -their small bodies. The whole was like a system of arteries intimately -connected and interdependent. If a single one were cut, my life would -ebb away with the blood which trickled down and was sucked up by the -sand. For this reason the infidelity of the wife is a terrible crime. -One cannot help sympathising with the "Kill her!" of a well-known -author, who shows us a father stricken to death because he has come to -doubt the legitimacy of his offspring. - -Marie, on the other hand, identified herself with the crazy endeavours -to increase women's rights and liberties, and fully endorsed the new -doctrine that the woman who deceives her husband is not guilty, because -she is not his property. - -I could not degrade myself to spy on her, I did not want proof which -meant death to me. I wanted to deceive myself, live in a world of my -own, which I could create at my pleasure. - -But I was deeply wounded. I doubted the legitimacy of my children; I -was haunted by the suspicion that although they bore my name and were -supported by my earnings, they were yet not my children. Nevertheless, -I loved them, for they had come into my life as a pledge of my future -existence. Deprived of the hope to live again in my children, I floated -in mid-air, like a poor phantom, breathing through roots which were not -my own. - -Marie seemed to lose patience, because I lingered so long. It was true -before witnesses she treated me with the tender love of a mother, but -when no one was present she tortured me, just as the little acrobat is -pinched by his father behind the scenes. She tried to hasten my end by -cruelty. She invented a new torture; justifying her conduct with my -temporary weakness, she treated me as if I were a cripple. One day, -proudly boasting of her physical strength, she threatened to strike me. -She rushed at me, but I seized her by the wrists and forced her down on -the sofa. - -"Admit that I am the stronger, in spite of my illness!" - -She did not admit it; she merely looked disconcerted, and, furious at -having made a mistake, she left the room, sulking. - -In our mutual struggle she had all the advantages of the woman and -actress. It was impossible for me, a hardworking man, to hold my own -against an idle woman who spent all her time spinning intrigues. In an -unequal struggle of this sort the man is certain to be caught in the -end in a net which enmeshes him on all sides. - -"In love," said Napoleon, that most excellent judge of women, "one only -wins by flight." But how could a carefully guarded prisoner escape? and -as for a man sentenced to death.... - - * * * * * - -My brain recovered after a rest, and I conceived a plan of escape from -this stronghold, although it was most carefully guarded by my wife and -the friends which she had so successfully duped. I used cunning; I -wrote a letter to the doctor in which I expressed a haunting dread of -insanity, and suggested a trip abroad as a remedy. The doctor fell in -with my suggestion, and I at once informed Marie of his opinion against -which there was no appeal. - -"By doctor's orders!" - -Her very formula when she had successfully dictated to the doctor the -treatment she wished him to prescribe for her. - -She grew pale when she heard it. - -"I don't want to leave my country!" - -"Your country?... Finland's your country! And as far as I know, there -is nothing in Sweden which you could possibly miss; you have no -relations here, no friends, no career." - -"I refuse to accompany you!" - -"Why?" - -She hesitated, and after a while continued-- - -"Because I'm afraid of you! I won't be left alone with you!" - -"You are afraid of a lamb that you lead by the nose? You aren't -serious!" - -"You are a knave, and I won't stay with you unprotected!" - -I felt sure that she had a lover. Or else she was afraid of my -discovering her indiscretions. - -So she was afraid of me, of me who crouched at her feet like a dog, -whose leonine mane she had clipped, leaving him but a fringe like a -horse's; who waxed his moustache and wore up and down collars, to be -better equipped for the struggle with dangerous rivals. Her fear of me -increased my dread and stimulated my suspicions. - -"This woman has a lover whom she is loath to leave, or else she is -afraid of retribution," I said to myself. - -After endless discussions she wheedled a promise out of me to stay away -no longer than a year. - -The will to live returned, and I eagerly finished a volume of poems -which was to be published in the winter following my departure. - -Summer in my heart, I sang with fresh inspiration. I sang of my beloved -wife as she appeared to me on the day of our first meeting, a blue veil -fluttering from her straw hat, a blue veil which became the flag which -I hoisted when I sailed into the stormy sea. One evening I read this -poem to a friend. Marie listened with profound attention. When I had -finished she burst into tears, put her arms round me and kissed me. - -A perfect actress, she played before my friend the part of the loving -wife. And the simpleton regarded me from that day as a jealous fool -whom heaven had blessed with the sweetest of wives. - -"She loves you, old boy," my friend assured me again and again. And -four years later he reminded me of the scene as a convincing proof of -her fidelity. - -"I swear to you at that moment she was sincere," he reiterated. - -Sincere in her remorse, perhaps! Face to face with my love which -transformed the wanton into a madonna. It was not very surprising. - - - - -XII - -SUN-MISTS - - -He looked round anxiously to see if everything was there, as if it were -possible to see anything at all in that confusion of people and luggage -on the upper deck. - -He felt guilty of an unknown crime, until the steamer had passed the -mill. He was dazzled by the blinding sun, the sea appeared to be -boundless, and the hazy blue mountains called him with irresistible -force. His eyes fell on the children's perambulator; the one painted -white with the blue cover, not the other one; he knew it so well, -there were little white milkspots on the blue cover. And over there -was the big arm-chair and the drawing-room sofa and the bath with the -flower-pots. How dusty the poor things looked, they had spent the -whole winter in a cloud of tobacco smoke; the pelargoniums used to -stand on the writing-table in the lamplight, in the early spring, when -the evenings were still long; the arm-chair stood to the right of the -writing-table, and whenever he looked up from his work, whenever the -restless pen stopped for a second, he received a friendly nod. But when -there was no one sitting in the arm-chair, his tired eyes travelled to -the cretonne flowers on the sofa; but there were so many eyes staring -into the room, and how the lamp flickered! Ah! it was the sun shining -on the upper deck! What was that over there? A pair of eyes familiar -last year--how dull they were! Had he been ill? No! They had not met -since last year; one never met in town, one was so busy there! One left -one's school and went home! The children had had measles.... It was -cold on deck, he had better go downstairs into the saloon. - -There were the eyes again, staring at the sofa and the arm-chair. But -they looked happy, longing, yearning for something which must surely -happen. - -He left his place and stepped forward to let the fresh breeze cool his -face. Smoke and the smell of food were rising from the kitchen. There -was the cook, taking a rest, trying to grow cool. And the large cabin! - -The table-cloth was as white as it had been last year, the silver -epergne sparkled as before, the flowers on the sideboard were as new -and fresh, the lamps were swinging in their brass brackets; everything -was exactly as it had been before, and yet everything was new, thanks -to the ever-rejuvenating power of nature, thanks to spring! - -And the shore glided past, a long, triumphant march past, now -threatening and sinister, now happy and smiling, but always new, -endowed with eternal youth. - -He was the helpless sport of gloomy dreams; he was pressed in between -houses in narrow, dark streets; he was at the bottom of a well; he was -trying to creep through a tunnel and was held fast; bricks were being -heaped on his breast, when he was awakened by a loud knocking at the -window shutters. He jumped up, but the room was pitch dark; he opened -the shutters and a sea of light and green greeted his eyes. Oh, Nature! -Reality which surpasses all dreams! - -Behold, you dreamer, your brain could never invent such a dream, and -yet you would talk of cold reality! - -The morning sun was shining on an August landscape. He put a piece -of bread in his pocket, slung his drinking-cup across his shoulder, -took a stick and a basket and went out in search of sport--sport, not -bloodshed. - -His path lay between oak trees and hazels; autumn flowers grew here, -flowers which had waited until after the passing of the scythe before -they appeared, so that they could enjoy life undisturbed until the -frost killed them. He crossed the stubble field, climbed over the -fence, and the sport began. - -On the short, springy turf, woven of reed-grass and stunted mudwort, -the mushrooms lay scattered like new-laid eggs, waiting for the sun to -enable them to fulfil their destiny before they decayed; but that was -impossible now, since fate had decreed that they should die in their -youth. - -He left the battlefield and entered the forest with its odour of -turpentine--health and sick-room--balm for the wounded breast, as the -saying is; he walked below the branches in a dead calm, while twenty -yards above his head the tempest shrieked. A woodcock flew up; the -branches rattled. If only he had a gun! - -Why does a man long for a gun whenever he happens to come across a -harmless creature of the woods? There are many occasions in life when a -gun would be much more in its place. - -Here was a cart track; the wheels of the cart, drawn by oxen, had cut -deeply into the turf; nevertheless, a red species of the poisonous -spit-devils had shot up in the ruts; maybe they required strake-nails -and kicks from the hoofs of oxen before they could enter into material -existence. - -The wood opened out and the path ceased at a place where many trees had -been felled; before him lay what remained of the giants of the forest, -cut down by the axe because it had been impossible to dig them-up with -the roots. He gazed at a huge stump which had been attacked by a host -of fungi of all sizes; they had settled on it as a swarm of flies -settles on carrion, but their crowd was densest round the decayed -parts which they could overcome more easily; they looked starved, -pale and bloodless; they were neither pretty nor poisonous, like the -spit-devils; they were merely useful. - -Denser and darker grew the wood; the Scotch firs mingled their branches -with the moss which covered the ground, embraced the stones and built -cool little huts for the yellow merulius which grew embedded in the -moss and enjoyed a short life, protected alike from scorching sun and -preying insects. - -The ground became damp; the bog-myrtle, in times gone by highly -valued and eagerly gathered on account of its medicinal qualities, -grew undisturbed between tiny hillocks, at the foot of degenerated -grey pines which had died of superabundance. A woodpecker hammered -high above and stopped every now and then to listen whether the sound -betrayed a hollow. The sun's rays were scorching; the ground became -stony, the wood opened again; he could hear a low, muffled roar; fresh -breezes, laden with the smell of oysters, cooled his face; he caught -glimpses of a shining blue expanse through the lower branches of the -Scotch firs. - -A few more steps up the incline--and before him lay the sea--the sea! -The waves leaped up the cliffs and were thrown down again, only to -begin their game afresh. - -Off with the clothes and down into the deep! What was it that he saw -down there for the space of a moment? A different world, where the -trees were red like seaweed and the air emerald green like the waves; -now he was again on the surface amid the bellowing, fighting breakers; -he fought with them until he was tired; he lay on his back and floated; -they threw him up sky-high, they dragged him down into dark chasms, as -if they meant to throw him into the abyss; he ceased to wish, he ceased -to will; he made no resistance; his body had lost all weight; the law -of gravity no longer applied to him; he floated between water and -air--in absolute calm, devoid of all sensation. - -He let the waves carry him to the shore, the shallow, sandy shore, -where it formed a lumber-room between the rocks for the sea's -collection of all things it could not devour; here they lay, sorted, -washed and polished; broken oars, a legion of corks, bark, reed-pipes, -staves and hoops. He sat down and stared at a broken plank. - - * * * * * - -They had been shut up in the house for a week, for it was raining. He -had established himself in the window-seat, for one of the panes was -all colours with age and sunlight, and when he looked through it at the -grey, cloud-covered expanse of water, the sun seemed to be shining; -the grey reefs, where the seagulls nested, looked red, the air was -flooded with gold, the trees were of a brilliant emerald green; and if -he looked through the window-pane at a certain angle he could see a -rainbow in the sky, and that kindled in him the hope of fine weather. - -Far away, out in the sea, there was a small island, an island which -looked less profaned than the other islands; the Scotch firs grew more -closely together; the cliffs were greener and the shore was covered -with reeds. His soul yearned for it, for from there he could see the -open sea. - -And the sun shone again. He set sail and steered for the little island. -The boat danced over the rolling waves, the channel broadened; far away -the green island called him; it swam nearer steadily, until at last the -boat was moored among the whispering reeds and he landed. - -His dream had been realised; he was alone among the trees and reefs, -with the sea before him and the infinite blue sky above his head. No -sound betrayed the disturbing vicinity of a human being, no sail on the -horizon, no cottage on the shore. A solitary oyster-plover flew away -from him, terrified, uttering its impotent: help! help! A family of -creek-ducks, led by the mother, scudded away, running on the water, -frightened by the arrival of dread man; a grey adder uncurled and made -good its escape, slipping away between the stones, like a tiny, winding -brooklet. The seagulls came flying from the reefs to have a look at the -intruder, screamed like little children and hurried away again. A crow -rose from a large Scotch fir; it fluttered and beat its wings, screamed -and threatened and groaned and escaped to outlying reefs; every living -thing shunned the dreaded being who had fled from his own kind. - -He walked along the sandy shore; he came upon the skeleton of a -pine-tree, washed by the sea and bleached by the sun to a deadly -pallor; it lay there like a skeleton of a dragon and between its ribs -flowered the purple lythrum and the golden lysimachia; little piles of -shells lay heaped round the wild aster which lived its life on empty -sepulchres; the air was laden with the scent of valerian which grew in -profusion on a bed of evil-smelling seaweed. - -He left the shore and turned his footsteps towards the wood. How tall -and straight the trees were, a little too straight perhaps, but he -could see the sea through the trunks, the sea--solitude--nature! The -ground was as smooth as if it had been stamped down and flattened by -human feet; here was the stump of a tree--the axe had been here; over -there a nettle grew, men had been here; there could be no mistake, for -the nettle is a parasite which follows in the wake of man and never -ventures into the solitude of the woods or the large stretches of -meadow-land; the nettle is vermin, supported by man, and can only exist -in the vicinity of man; it collects all dust and dirt on its hairy, -sticky leaves and burns the finger which touches it,--a magnificent -breed, nourished by sin. - -He went on. His eyes fell on a sparrow, the denizen of the gutter -and backyard--the winged creature which feels at home in the dust, -bathes in dirt and should have been a rat since it makes no use of its -wings--man's jackal. What was it doing out here where there were no -men? What did it live on? On the seed of the nettle? - -A few more steps and he found the sole of a shoe; a large foot, a foot -deformed by hard work, had trodden heavily on this sole. Between the -trunks he came upon a fire-place made of boulders, an altar perhaps, -on which Nature's conqueror had sacrificed to Strength. The fire had -long been extinct, but the effects of it were still visible. The ground -was dug up as if by the hoofs of animals, the trees were stripped of -their bark, even the rocks were broken; there was a gigantic well in -the mountain, filled with dirty brown water; the bowels of the earth -had been laid bare and the broken pieces scattered as if by naughty -children, disappointed because they had not found what they sought. But -a great piece of mountain was missing. It had been taken away with a -feldspar to the china factory, and only when there was no more to be -got, man had stayed away. - -He fled from the devastation, down to his boat. He noticed the traces -of footsteps on the sand. He cursed and turned to fly when he suddenly -saw in a flash that he had been cursing himself; and all at once he -understood why the seagulls and the adder and all the others had -shunned him, and he retraced his footsteps, for he could not escape -from himself. - -He gazed at the sea through his field-glasses in the direction whence -he had come. A white dress and a blue cover shone among the oak-trees. -He climbed into the boat, ate his bread, drank a liqueur and muttered, -seizing the oars-- - -"You, whose every desire has been fulfilled, who possess the best of -all things Life has to bestow, why are you discontent?" - - - - -XIII - - -At last the house had been cleansed of her friends. The last one, the -pretty one, had disappeared in the company of a well-known professor, -who had returned from an expedition with four orders and an assured -position. Having no home of her own, the fair lady had lived in my -house, cost free. She had seized the opportunity, fastened herself on -to the poor fellow and seduced him one evening in a cab, where, for -some reason or other, she found herself with him; she forced him into -marrying her by making a scandalous scene in a third house, to which -they had both been invited. As soon as she felt sure of her position -she dropped the mask, and at a party, under the influence of too much -wine, she called Marie a degenerate. A colleague, who happened to hear -the remark, thought it his duty to tell me at once. - -Marie, with a few words, proved that the accusation was unjust, and in -future my door was closed to the lady, although this meant the loss of -my old friend for ever. - -I was not sufficiently curious to go more deeply into the meaning of -the word "degenerate," but it left its sting in my bleeding flesh. New -insults, uttered by the same impure lips, referred to the suspicious -life Marie had led during her tour in Finland. My old suspicions arose -with fresh vigor, her miscarriage, our conversation on destiny, her -complete surrender.... All these things strengthened my intention to -leave the country. - -Marie had discovered the use of a sick poet, and constituted herself -sister of mercy, sick-nurse, keeper even, if a keeper was required. - -She wove a martyr's crown for her own head, acted with absolute -independence behind my back, and, as I discovered later on, went so -far as to borrow money from my friends in my name. At the same time -valuable pieces of furniture disappeared from our house, and were -carted to adventuress No. I, to be sold by the letter. - -All this aroused my attention. - -"Had Marie expenses of which I was ignorant?" I often asked myself -this question. Was this the cause of those secret sales? The cause of -the enormous housekeeping expenditure? And if this was the cause, what -was the object of them? I enjoyed the income of a Swedish minister of -State, a larger income than that of a Swedish general, and yet I led -a miserable life; it was as if my feet were fettered, as if I were -dragging a leaden weight with me wherever I went. And yet we lived very -simply. Our table was the table of a labourer; the food was cooked so -badly that it was at times uneatable. We drank beer or brandy, like -a working-man; our cellar was so inferior that our friends upbraided -us more than once. I smoked nothing but--a pipe. I had hardly any -recreation, only very occasionally, about once a month, I spent an -evening with friends. - -Once only, beside myself with anger, I determined to look into the -matter. I asked an experienced lady for advice. She laughed when I -asked her whether our household expenses were not rather, high, and -told me that we must be mad. - -I had every reason therefore to believe in extraordinary and secret -expenditure. But the object? the object? - -Relations? friends? lovers? Nobody cares to enlighten a husband, and so -everybody becomes an accessory in crime.... - - * * * * * - -After endless preparations the date of our departure was fixed. But -now a new difficulty arose, a difficulty which I had long forseen and -which was accompanied by a series of unpleasant scenes. The dog was -still alive! How much annoyance it had caused me already! especially as -so much attention was devoted to him that the children were habitually -neglected. - -However, the day had dawned when to my inexpressible joy Marie's idol -and my evil genius, old, diseased, half-rotten, was to end its days; -Marie herself now desired the animal's death, and only the thought -of the innocent pleasure which its disappearance would cause me led -her to postpone the "dog-question" again and again, and invent fresh -annoyances to make me pay for the longed-for relief. - -But at last a farewell feast was arranged. She made heart-rending -scenes, had a fowl killed, of which I, still a semi-invalid, received -the bones, and then--we were in the country at the time--she went to -town, taking the dog with her. - -After two days' absence she announced her return in a few cold words. -What else could a murderer expect? Full of happiness, freed of a -burden which I had borne for six years, I went to the landing-stage to -meet her, expecting to find her alone. She received me as if I were a -poisoner, her eyes were suffused with tears, and when I approached to -kiss her, she pushed me aside. Carrying in her arms a large parcel of -extraordinary shape, she walked on, slowly, as if she were walking in -a funeral procession, with a certain rhythm as if to the strains of a -funeral march. - -The parcel held the corpse! The funeral ceremony had been reserved -for me! She ordered a coffin and sent for two men to dig a grave. -Although determined to have nothing to do with the matter, I was -compelled to be present at the obsequies of the murdered innocent. It -was most touching. Marie collected her thoughts and then prayed to -God for the victim and its slayer. Amid the laughter of the onlookers -she placed a cross on the grave, the cross of the Saviour who had--at -last--delivered me from a monster, innocent itself, but yet terrible as -the embodiment and instrument of the malice of a woman who lacked the -courage to persecute her husband openly. - -After a few days' mourning, during which she refused to have anything -to say to me--for she could have nothing to say to a murderer--we left -for Paris. - - - - -PART IV - - - - -I - - -The main destination of my journey was Paris, where I hoped to meet -old friends, well acquainted with my eccentricities; congenial spirits -who understood my moods, knew all about my whims, admired my courage, -and were consequently in a position to gauge accurately the temporary -state of my mind. In addition to this some of the foremost of the -Scandinavian poets had just taken up a permanent abode in Paris; I -meant to claim their protection and with their help defy Marie's -sinister schemes; for she intended to have me shut up in a lunatic -asylum. - -During the whole journey she continued her hostilities and treated -me as a person altogether beneath contempt, whenever we were without -witnesses. She was always lost in thought, absent-minded, indifferent. -In vain I took her sight-seeing in the towns where we were forced to -spend the nights; she took no interest in anything, saw nothing, hardly -listened to me. My attentions bored her; she seemed to be fretting for -something. But for what? For the country where she had suffered, in -which she had not left one single friend, but--a lover, perhaps? - -During the whole time she behaved like the most unpractical and -ignorant of women; she displayed none of the qualities of the organiser -and manager of which she had boasted so much. She insisted on staying -at the most expensive hotels, and for the sake of one night she often -had the whole furniture rearranged; a badly served cup of tea provoked -interviews with the hotel proprietor; the noise which she made in -the corridors drew unflattering comments upon us. We missed the best -trains because she would lie in bed until dinner-time; through her -carelessness our luggage went astray; and when we left, her tips to the -servants were of the meanest. - -"You are a coward!" she said in reply to one of my remonstrances. - -"And you are ill-bred and slovenly!" - -It was a charming pleasure-trip, indeed. - - * * * * * - -As soon as we had arrived in Paris and settled down among my friends, -who were proof against her spells, she found that I had got the better -of her, and felt like a wild animal caught in a trap. She was furious -because the leading Norwegian poet received me warmly, and overwhelmed -me with kindness. She promptly detested him, for she sensed in him a -friend who might some day raise his voice in my favour. - -One evening, at a dinner given to artists and writers, he proposed -my health, calling me the chief representative of modern Swedish -literature. Marie, poor martyr by reason of her marriage with the -"notorious pamphleteer," was present. The applause of the diners -depressed her to a degree which excited my compassion, and when the -speaker tried to make me promise to stay for at least two years in -France, I could no longer resist the wistful expression of her eyes. -To comfort her, to give her pleasure, I replied that I never took an -important decision without consulting with my wife. My reward was a -grateful look and the sympathy of all the women present. - -But my friend remained obdurate. He urged me to prolong my stay, and -with a fine flourish of oratory asked all those present to support his -proposition. All raised their glasses in response. - -My friend's obstinacy always remained inexplicable to me, although I -quite well understood at the time that a secret struggle was being -fought between my wife and him, the motive of which I could not guess. -Maybe he was better informed than I, and had penetrated my secret with -the clear-sightedness which frequently accompanies first impressions; -moreover, he was himself married to a woman of strange morals. - - * * * * * - -Marie did not feel at home in Paris, where her husband's genius was -generally acknowledged, and after three months' stay she hated the -beautiful city. She was indefatigable in warning me of "the false -friends who would one day bring me misfortune." - -She was again expecting to become a mother, and again life with her was -unbearable. But this time I had no reason to doubt the paternity of the -expected baby. - -Our stay in Paris came to an end; we broke up our tents and slowly made -our way to Switzerland. - - -_Isn't It Enough?_ - -It does not matter very much that the wealthy man did not ask Jesus -what he should do in order to solve the problem of life, for Jesus -would very likely have replied in the same way in which He replied to -the question relating to the Kingdom of Heaven: "Go and sell all thou -hast and give it to the poor." But it is a pity that the wealthy man -did not carry out this suggestion, and above all things that he did not -live to see a scorching day in June in the year 1885 in the humble form -of a sixty-year-old coster who pushed a heavy barrow down the Avenue de -Neuilly, ceaselessly calling out in a voice trembling with hunger and -increasing age-- - - "Cresson de fontaine! - La sante du corps! - Quatre liards la botte! - Quatre liards la botte!" - -He went down on the left side of the avenue, halting before every door; -but everywhere the porters' wives shook their heads, for the younger -and stronger ones had stolen a march on the old man, and had already -supplied the necessary requirements for the day. He reached Porte -Mailot and gazed down the avenue which stretched before him, apparently -endlessly, down towards the Seine. He took off his black cotton cap -and with the sleeve of his blue blouse wiped the perspiration off his -forehead. Should he turn round and walk up on the right side, or should -he go to Paris to try his luck there? the wonderful luck to earn the -few pence by virtue of which he could keep up sufficient strength to -push his barrow along when to-morrow had dawned? Should he invest his -last shilling in the payment of the toll and go on to meet the unknown -fate awaiting him? He took the risk, paid the octroi and trudged along -the Avenue de la Grande Armee. - -The sun had risen higher in the sky, and the pavements were still warm -from the previous day; the gay town smelled like the close, fetid -atmosphere of the bedroom, which streamed through the open windows -and hung heavily in the still air. The sunbeams heated the dust which -rose in clouds from the carpets beaten against the doorsteps; showy -advertisements flashed from privies and news-stalls, and a suffocating -smell of ammonia penetrated through the half-open doors; cigar ends, -tobacco, manure, orange skins, celery stalks, pieces of paper from -forgotten refuse heaps were carried away by the rushing stream which -gushed from the main and swept everything towards the gratings of the -gutter. - -The old man cried his wares, but carts and omnibuses drowned his -voice, and no one bought. Tired, forsaken by every one, he sat down -on a seat under the plane trees. But the sunbeams found him out, and -scorched him in spite of the dusty leaves. How dismal the sun appeared -to the worn-out traveller, who longed for an overcast sky and a -downpour to relieve the unbearable heat, which robbed his nerves of -their strength and shrivelled up his muscles. - -Yet the torture of the excessive heat did not make him insensible to -the torture of hunger and the dread of the morrow. He rose, seized the -shafts of his barrow, and toiled up the steep incline which leads to -the Arc de Triomphe, shouting incessantly-- - - "Quatre liards la botte!" - -At the last street corner a little dressmaker bought two bunches. - -He dragged himself through the Champs Elysees, and met the wealthy man, -seated in his carriage behind his English coachman, on his way to the -Bois de Boulogne, there to brood over the problem of life. The palaces -and large restaurants bought nothing; the fierce rays of the sun dried -up the water-cress, and the long green leaves of his cauliflowers -hung limp, so that he was obliged to sprinkle them with water at the -fountain near the Rond-Point. - -It was noon when he passed the Place de la Concorde and arrived at -the Quays. Before the restaurants men were sitting and lunching; some -of them had already arrived at the coffee. They looked well-fed, but -bored, as if they were fulfilling a melancholy and painful duty by -keeping alive. But to the old man they were happy mortals who had -staved off death for a few hours, while he felt his soul shrinking like -a dried apple. - -The barrow rattled past the Pont-Neuf, and every stone against which -the wheels pushed shook the muscles and nerves of his tired arms. He -had not broken his fast since the early morning; his voice sounded thin -like the voice of a consumptive, so that his cries were more like cries -for help now, with little preliminary sighs caused by want of breath. - -His feet were burning and his hands trembled; he felt as if the marrow -in his spine were melting with the heat, and the thin blood hammered -in his temples as he turned towards the city, seeking the shade of the -Quai de l'Horloge. He halted for a moment before a wine-shop in the -Place de Parvis, half inclined to spend his few pennies on a glass of -wine. But he pulled himself together and trudged on, past Notre-Dame, -towards the Morgue. - -He could not drag himself away from this mysterious little house, where -so many problems of life have been solved, and he entered. How cool -and beautiful it was inside, where the dead lay on marble slabs, the -hoar-frost on their hair and beards sparkling as on a beautiful, bright -winter day. Some of them looked distressed, because the rush of the -water into their lungs, or the stab of the knife into the heart, had -given them pain; one of them smiled as if he were glad that all was -over; one lay there with an expression of indifference on his face, as -if nothing mattered; the problem was solved, at any rate: he had lived -until he died. No more clothes required, no more food, no shelter! No -sorrow, no cares. All held in their grasp the greatest boon life has to -bestow: a calm which neither want, failure of crops, sickness, death, -war or famine, American wheat or the hard laws which regulate wages, -could disturb. Sleep without dreams, how gentle a sleep! And without an -awakening, how splendid! - -The old man must have envied the sleepers, for he turned his head on -leaving, to feast his eyes once more on the sight of those blessed -ones, who slept in cool seclusion behind the large glass panes. - -He plodded on to the other side of the church and stopped at the -principal entrance. He asked the dealer in relics to keep an eye on his -barrow, and entered. He stirred the holy water with his right hand and -cooled lips and brow. Inside the church it was cool, for the sunbeams -were powerless to penetrate the stained-glass windows. The pulpit was -occupied by a little abbe, freshly shaved, with traces of powder still -visible on his bluish skin; he was speaking, and the old man listened. - -"'Consider the lilies in the field,'" said the abbe, "'how they grow; -they toil not, neither do they spin, and yet Solomon in all his glory -was not arrayed like any one of these! Consider the ravens: for they -neither sow nor reap; which neither have store-houses nor barn; and God -feedeth them: how much more are ye better than the fowls!'" - -"How much more are we better than the fowls!" sighed the old man. - -"But rather seek ye the Kingdom of God," concluded the abbe, "and all -else will be added, to you." - -"All else," sighed the old man, "all else! First the Kingdom of God, -and then all else." - -Leaning against a pillar in the side aisle, the wealthy man, holding -a Baedeker in his hand, tried to solve the problem of the essence and -origin of life by means of a careful study of the architecture of the -past. He did not believe in the Kingdom of God, but he brooded over the -purpose of life, and could not understand why a man should go to so -much trouble to kill time until he was seventy or at the most eighty -years old. Had it not been against all conventions, he would have gone -to the old man and said to him who had already passed his allotted -time-- - -"Give me your solution of the problem of life!" - -And the old man, unless he had been too exhausted with hunger and -thirst, would have answered-- - -"The problem of life, as I understood it, is the maintenance of one's -own life." - -"Is that all?" the wealthy man would have answered, astonished. - -"All? Isn't it enough? All?" - -"We do not understand one another." - -"No, we do not understand one another; we have never understood one -another." - -"Because you are a selfish old man, who has lived but for himself. But -humanity...." - -"Sir, I too have lived for humanity, for I have brought up and educated -four children, a problem which was more difficult perhaps to solve than -yours, the solution of which you can buy at any bookseller's. Yes, go, -sell all you have and give it to the poor, then you will see whether -there is room in life for anything else!" - -But the wealthy man preferred to leave the problem unsolved and keep -his gold; therefore he continued to study his Baedeker, and did not ask -the poor coster for his opinion. - -The old man, with faith unshaken, left the church, the abbe's -comforting words ringing in his ears: "Take no heed of to-morrow," and -crossed to the left shore of the river. - -At the corner of the Boulevard St. Michel he was fortunate enough to -sell six centimes' worth of his stuff at a reduced price. And on he -trudged and turned into the Rue Bonaparte. - -It was afternoon, that saddest time of the day when the sun is setting, -but darkness has not yet fallen, darkness which brings in its train -peace for the weary souls who long to rest and play for a while before -they are compelled to face torturing dreams and memories. - -He sat down on a stone step and counted his money: eighty centimes; -that was twenty centimes less than the franc which he had spent at the -gate. How could he pay six francs to the nursery gardener? How could he -buy food and drink, how return before nightfall to Suresnes? He saw in -imagination the endless Champs Elysees, the long Avenue de la Grande -Armee, the terrible Avenue Neuilly. No, it was too far to go back, too -far. - -He looked about searchingly, and his dim eyes were dazzled by the gleam -of the blue and red glass bottles in the chemist's shop on the other -side of the street, which sparkled in the rays of the setting sun. They -stood on long shelves, filled with bottles and boxes; patent medicines -for indigestion; appetite restoratives; powders to calm feverish brains -which had brooded too long over the riddle of life; means of protection -from over-population or increasing poverty; headache pencils for those -who tried to solve social problems; rouge for night-birds, tabloids for -nervous ailments and financially independent people. All these things -could be bought there. - -The old man rose hastily, as if a buyer had beckoned to him, and -entered the chemist's shop. - -"Six centimes' worth of laudanum, please," he said. "My wife is -suffering from convulsions." - -And as if to prove his words, he lifted his right hand to show the ring -on his third finger. But there was only a white line and a groove in -the brown skin. - -But the chemist, who, perhaps, had also been waiting for a buyer, took -no notice of his gesture; he filled a small bottle with the required -liquid, licked a label, bit a cork, took the money, and resumed the -study of his pharmacopoeia. What business was it of his? - -The old man, the bottle in his pocket, staggered out of the shop, -once again seized the shafts, and wandered up the street. He stopped -at a bookseller's, and as if to make one more bid for good fortune, he -called out for the last time-- - - "Quatre liards la botte! - Quatre liards la botte!" - -Afraid that somebody might beckon to him in reply, he put the bottle -to his lips and greedily drank the dark-red liquid, as if to quench a -burning thirst. The pupils of his eyes contracted as if he were staring -into the sun; a vivid scarlet flame shot across his cheeks, his knees -bent, and he fell on the edge of the gutter. He snored loudly like a -man in a sound sleep; the perspiration stood in large drops on his -face, and there was a quivering movement of his legs. - -By the time the police had arrived he lay quite still, but the -expression of his face plainly betrayed his last conscious thoughts-- - -"Life was sometimes good, evil every now and then, but the best thing -came last. I solved the problem as well as I could, and it was not -easy, although the rich man found that it was not enough. But we did -not understand one another. It is a pity that men are not meant to -understand one another." - - - - -II - - -Arrived in Switzerland, we took rooms in a private hotel, so as to -avoid all quarrels on the subject of housekeeping. - -Marie made up for lost time, for being alone now, and unbacked -by sympathising friends, I was again in her power. From the very -beginning she posed as the keeper of a harmless lunatic. She made the -acquaintance of the doctor, informed proprietor and proprietress, -the waitresses, the servants, the other guests. I was shut off from -association with intelligent people of my own kindred who understood -me. At meals she revenged herself for the silence to which she had -been condemned in Paris. She missed no opportunity of joining in the -conversation, and literally inundated us with a never-ending stream of -foolish twaddle which, she knew, irritated me horribly. And since the -uncultured, commonplace crowd among whom we lived always very politely -agreed with her, there was nothing for me to do but to keep silence; -they regarded my silence as a proof of my inferiority. - -She looked ill and fragile, and appeared to be suffering from a great -grief; she treated me with dislike and contempt. - -All I loved, she detested: she was disappointed with the Alps because I -admired them; she scorned the beautiful walks; she avoided being alone -with me; she made a practice of anticipating my wishes so as to thwart -them; she said Yes whenever I said No, and vice versa; there was no -doubt that she hated me. - -Alone and solitary in a strange country, I was compelled to seek her -society; but since we never talked for fear of quarrelling, I had to be -content with merely seeing her at my side, with feeling that I was not -quite isolated. - -My illness became worse; I was so ill that I could take nothing but -beef tea; I lay awake at night, suffering agonies, tortured by an -unbearable thirst which I tried to relieve by drinking cold milk. - -My brain, keen and refined by study and culture, was thrown into -confusion by contact with a coarser brain; every attempt to bring it -into harmony with my wife's caused me to have convulsions. I tried to -get into touch with strangers. But they treated me with the forbearance -which a sane person usually shows to a lunatic. - -For three months I hardly opened my lips. At the end of that time I -noticed with horror that I had almost lost my voice, and, from sheer -want of practice, had no longer any control of the spoken word. - -Determined not to be defeated in the struggle, I began a brisk -correspondence with my friends in Sweden. But their guarded language, -their deep sympathy, their well-meant advice, plainly betrayed the -opinion which they had formed of my mental condition. - -She triumphed. I was on the verge of insanity, and the first symptoms -of persecutional mania showed themselves. Mania? Did I say mania? I was -being persecuted, there was nothing irrational in the thought. - -It was just as if I had become a child again. Extremely feeble, I lay -for hours on the sofa, my head on her knees, my arms round her waist, -like Michel Angelo's Pieta. I buried my face in her lap, and she -called me her child. "Your child, yes," I stammered. I forgot my sex -in the arms of the mother, who was no longer female, but sexless. Now -she regarded me with the eyes of the conqueror, now she looked at me -kindly, seized with the sudden tenderness which the hangman is said to -feel sometimes for his victim. She was like the female spider which -devours her mate immediately after the hymeneal embrace. - - * * * * * - -While I suffered thus, Marie led a mysterious life. She always remained -in bed till the one o'clock dinner. After dinner she went to town, -frequently without any definite purpose, and did not return until -supper, sometimes even later. When I was asked where she had gone, I -replied-- - -"To town!" - -And the inquirer smiled furtively. - -I never suspected her. I never thought of playing the spy. After supper -she remained in the drawing-room, talking to strangers. - -At night she often treated the servants to liqueurs; I heard their -whispering voices, but I never stooped so low as to listen at her -door.... - -What was it that held me back? I don't know. Only an instinct, -I suppose, which teaches us that those actions are unmanly and -dishonourable. Moreover, it had become a sort of religion with me to -leave her an absolutely free hand. - - * * * * * - -Three months passed. Then the fact suddenly struck me that our -expenditure was enormous. Now that our expenses were regulated, it was -easy to check them. - -We paid twelve francs a day at our hotel, that is three hundred and -sixty francs a month, and I had given Marie a thousand francs a month. -She had therefore spent six hundred francs a month in incidental -expenses. - -I asked her to account for her extravagance. - -"The money has been spent on incidental items!" she exclaimed furiously. - -"What! with an ordinary expenditure of three hundred and sixty francs, -you spent six hundred francs incidentally? Do you take me for a fool?" - -"I don't deny that you have given me a thousand francs, but you have -spent the greater part on yourself!" - -"Have I? Let's see! Tobacco (very inferior quality), and cigars at one -penny each: ten francs; postage: ten francs; what else?" - -"Your fencing lessons!" - -"I've only had one: three francs!" - -"Riding lessons!" - -"Two: five francs." - -"Books!" - -"Books? Ten francs--together thirty francs; let us say one hundred -francs; that leaves five hundred francs for incidental expenses.... -Preposterous!" - -"Do you mean to say I'm robbing you? You cad!" What could I say? -Nothing at all!... - -I was a cad, and on the following day all her friends in Sweden were -informed of the progress of my insanity. - -And gradually the myth grew and developed. The salient characteristics -of my personality became more and more unmistakable as time went on, -and instead of the harmless poet, a mythological figure was sketched, -blackened, touched up until it closely resembled a criminal. - -I made an attempt to escape to Italy, where I felt sure of meeting -artists and men after my own heart. The attempt was a failure. We -returned to the shores of the Lake of Geneva, there to await Marie's -confinement. - -When the child was a few days old, Marie, the martyr, the oppressed -wife, the slave without rights, implored me to have it baptised. -She knew very well that in my controversial writings I had fought -Christianity tooth and nail, and was therefore strongly opposed to the -ritual of the church. - -Although she was not in the least religious herself, and had not set -a foot inside a church for the last ten years, or been to communion -for goodness knows how long; although she had only prayed for dogs, -fowls and rabbits, the thought of this baptism, which she meant to -elaborate into a great festival, completely obsessed her. I had no -doubt that the motive which actuated her was the thought of my dislike -to ceremonies which I considered insincere, and which are opposed to -all my convictions. - -But she implored me with tears in her eyes, appealed to my kind and -generous nature. In the end I yielded to her importunity, on condition, -however, that I was not expected to be present at the ceremony. She -kissed my hand, thanked me effusively for what she called a mark of my -affection for her, and assured me that her baby's baptism was a matter -of conscience to her, a very vital point. - -The ceremony took place. After her return from church, she ridiculed -the "farce" in the presence of many witnesses, posed as a free-thinker, -made fun of the ceremonial, and even boasted that she knew nothing -whatever of the church into which her son had just been received. - -She had won the game and could afford to laugh at the whole business; -the "vital question" transformed itself into a victory over me, a -victory which served to strengthen the hands of my adversaries. - -Once again I had humiliated myself, laid myself open to attack, in -order to humour the fads and fancies of an overbearing woman. - -But my measure of calamities was not yet full. A Scandinavian lady -appeared, on the scene, full of the mania called the "Emancipation of -Woman." She and Marie became friends at once, and between them I had no -chance. - -She brought with her the cowardly book of a sexless writer who, -rejected by all parties, became a traitor to his own sex by embracing -the cause of all the blue-stockings of the civilised world. After -having read _Man and Woman_, by Emile Girardin, I could well understand -that this movement was bound to result in great advantages to the -hostile camp of the women. - -To depose man and put woman in his place by the re-introduction of -the matriarchate; to dethrone the true lord of creation who evolved -civilisation, spread the benefits of culture, created all great -ideals, art, the professions, all that there is great and beautiful in -the world, and crown woman who, with few exceptions, has not shared -in the great work of civilisation, constituted to me a challenge -to my sex. The very thought of having to witness the apotheosis of -those intelligences of the iron age, those manlike creatures, those -semi-apes, that pack of dangerous animals, roused my manhood. It was -strange, but I was cured of my illness, cured through my intense -repugnance to an enemy who, though intellectually my inferior, was more -than a match for me on account of her complete lack of moral feeling. - -In a tribal war the less honest, the more crafty, tribe generally -remains in possession of the battlefield. The more a man respects -woman, the more leisure he leaves her to arm and prepare herself for -the fight, the smaller are his prospects of winning the battle. I -determined to take the matter seriously. I armed myself for this new -duel and wrote a book which I flung, like a gauntlet, at the feet of -the emancipated women, those fools who demanded freedom at the price of -man's bondage. - -In the following spring we changed our hotel. Our new abode was a kind -of purgatory where I was continually watched by twenty-five women who, -incidentally, furnished me with copy for my book. - -In three months' time the volume was ready for publication. It was a -collection of stories of matrimonial life with an introduction in -which I voiced a great number of disagreeable home-truths. - -"Woman," I contended, "is not a slave, for she and her children are -supported by her husband's work. She is not oppressed, for nature has -ordained that she should live under the protection of the man while she -fulfills her mission in life as mother. Woman is not man's intellectual -equal; the man, on the other hand, cannot bear children. She is not -an essential factor in the great work of civilisation; this is man's -domain, for he is better fitted to grapple with spiritual problems than -she is. Evolution teaches us that the greater the difference between -the sexes, the stronger and more fit will be the resulting offspring. -Consequently the aping of the masculine, the equality of the sexes, -means retrogression, and is utter folly, the last dream of romantic and -idealistic socialism. - -"Woman, man's necessary complement, the spiritual creation of man, has -no right to the privileges of her husband, for she can only be called -'the other half of humanity' by virtue of her numbers, proportionally -she is merely the sixth part of a sixth. She should not, therefore, -invade the labour market as long as it falls to the lot of the man to -provide for his wife and family. And the fact should not be lost sight -of that every time a woman wrests an appointment from a man, there is -one more old maid or prostitute." - -The fury of the feminists, and the formidable party which they formed, -may easily be imagined when one realises that they demanded the -confiscation of my book and brought a lawsuit against me. - -But despite their attempt to represent my attack as an offence against -religion (the folly of the unsexed actually aspired to raise their -cause to the dignity of a religion), they were not clever enough to win -their case. - -Marie obstinately opposed my intention to go to Sweden unaccompanied -by her; to take my family with me was out of the question on account -of my limited means. Secretly she was afraid that I might escape from -her strict guardianship and, worse still, that my appearance in court, -before the public, would give the lie to the rumours concerning my -mental condition which she had so sedulously disseminated. - -She pleaded illness, without, however, being able to make a definite -statement as to the nature of her illness, and kept her bed. -Nevertheless I decided to appear personally in court, and left for -Sweden. - -The letters which I wrote to her during the following six weeks, while -I was threatened with two years' penal servitude, were full of love, -love rekindled by our separation. My overwrought brain cast a glamour -over her fragile form, wove a resplendent halo round her sweet face; -restraint and longing clothed her with the white garments of the -guardian angel. Everything that was base, ugly, evil, disappeared; the -madonna of my first love-dream reappeared. I went so far as to admit to -an old friend, a journalist, "that the influence of a good woman had -made me more humble and pure-minded." Probably this confession made the -round of the papers of the United Kingdoms. - -Did the unfaithful wife laugh when she read it? - -The public got its money's worth, at any rate. - -Marie's replies to my love-letters bore witness to the keen interest -which she took in the financial side of the question. But her opinion -underwent a change in the same proportion in which the ovations I -received in the theatre, in the street and in court increased, and she -called the judges stupid, and regretted that she was not a member of -the jury. - -She met my ardent declarations of love with clever reserve; she refused -to be drawn into an argument, and confined herself to the repetition -of the words: "To understand one another," "To comprehend each other's -nature and ideas." She blamed my failure to understand her for the -unhappiness of our marriage. But I could swear that she herself never -understood a single word of the language of her learned poet. - -Amongst the number of her letters there was one which reawakened my old -suspicions. I had mentioned my intention to live permanently abroad, if -I was fortunate enough to escape the meshes of the law. - -This upset her; she scolded me, threatened me with the loss of her -love; she appealed to my pity, went down on her knees before me, as it -were, evoked the memory of my mother, and confessed that the thought of -never again seeing her country (by which she did not mean Finland) sent -cold shudders down her spine and would kill her. - -Why cold shudders? I wondered.... - -To this day I have not found an explanation. - -I was acquitted. A banquet was given in my honour, and--oh, irony of -fate!--Marie's health was drunk "because she had persuaded me to appear -personally before my judges." - -It was indeed amusing! - -As soon as possible I returned to Geneva, where my family had lived -during my absence. To my great surprise Marie, whom I had believed to -be ill and in bed, met me at the station; she looked well and happy, -but a trifle absent-minded. - -I soon recovered my spirits, and the evening and night which followed -fully compensated me for all the sufferings I had endured during those -six weeks. - -On the following day I discovered that we were living in a -boarding-house which was mainly patronised by students and light women. -While listening to their chatter, it came home to me with a pang that -Marie had found pleasure in drinking and playing cards with these -shady characters. The familiar tone which prevailed revolted me. Marie -posed to the students as the little mother (her old game); she was the -bosom friend of the most objectionable of the women; she introduced her -to me: a slut, who came down to dinner semi-intoxicated. - -And in this hell my children had lived for six weeks! Their mother -approved of the place, for she was without prejudices! And her -illness--her simulated illness--had not prevented her from taking part -in the amusements of this disreputable company. - -She lightly dismissed all my remonstrances. I was jealous, a stickler, -a snob.... - -And again it was war between us. - - * * * * * - -We were now confronted by a new difficulty: the question of the -education of the children. The nurse, an uneducated country girl, was -made their governess, and, in collusion with the mother, committed the -most outrageous follies. Both women were indolent, and liked to stay -in bed until broad daylight. Consequently the children were obliged -to stay in bed also, during the morning, no matter how wide awake -they were; if they insisted on getting up, they were punished. As -soon as I became aware of this state of things, I interfered; without -much ado I sounded the reveille in the nursery, and was greeted with -shouts of delight as a deliverer from bondage. My wife reminded me of -our contract: personal freedom--her interpretation of which was the -limitation of the liberty of others--but I took no notice of her. - -The monomania of weak and inferior brains, that desire to equalise -what can never be equal, was the cause of much mischief in my family. -My elder daughter, a precocious child, had for years been allowed to -play with my illustrated books, and had, besides, enjoyed many of the -priviliges usually enjoyed by the firstborn. Because I would not -extend the same privileges to the younger one, who had no idea of -handling an expensive book, I was accused of injustice. - -"There ought to be no difference whatever," she said. - -"No difference? Not even in the quantity of clothes and shoes?" - -There was no direct reply to my remark, but a contemptuous "fool" made -up for the omission. - -"Every one according to merit and ability! This for the elder, that for -the younger one!" - -But she refused to understand my meaning, and stubbornly maintained -that I was an unjust father, and "hated" my younger daughter. - -To tell the truth, I was more attached to the elder one, because she -awakened in me memories of the first beautiful days of my life, and -because, also, she was sensible in advance of her years; I may also -have been influenced by the fact that the younger one was born at a -time when I had grave doubts of my wife's fidelity. - -The mother's "justice," I may say, evidenced itself in complete -indifference to the children. She was always either out or asleep. She -was a stranger to them, and they became devoted to me; their preference -for me was so marked that it aroused her jealousy, and in order to -conciliate her, I made a practice of letting her distribute the toys -and sweets which I bought for them, hoping that in this way she might -win their affection. - -The little ones were a very important factor in my life, and in my -darkest moments, when I was almost broken by my isolation, contact with -them bound me afresh to life and their mother. For the sake of the -children the thought of divorcing my wife was unthinkable; an ominous -fact, as far as I was concerned, for I was becoming more and more her -abject slave. - - - - -III - - -The result of my attack on the strongholds of the feminists soon made -itself felt. The Swiss press attacked me in such a manner that my life -in Switzerland became unbearable. The sale of my books was prohibited, -and I fled, hunted from town to town, to France. - -But my former Paris friends had deserted me. They had become my wife's -allies, and, surrounded and hemmed in like a wild beast, I again -changed the arena; almost without means I at last made port in a colony -of artists in the neighbourhood of Paris. - -Alas! I was caught in a net, and I remained enmeshed for ten miserable -months! - -The society in which I found myself consisted of young Scandinavian -artists, recruited from various professions, some of them of strange -origin; but, worse still, there was a number of lady-artists, women -without prejudices, completely emancipated and so enamoured with -hermaphroditic literature that they believed themselves the equals of -man. They tried to conceal their sex as far as possible by adopting -certain masculine characteristics; they smoked, drank, played billiards -... and made love to each other. They wallowed in the lowest depths of -immorality. - -As an alternative to utter isolation, we made friends with two of those -monstrous women; one of them was a writer, the other an artist. - -The writer called on me first, as is customary when one happens to be a -well-known author. My wife was jealous at once: she was anxious to win -an ally sufficiently enlightened to appreciate my arguments against -the unsexed. - -But certain events happened which made my henceforth notorious mania -break out in irrepressible fury. - -The hotel boasted of an album which contained caricatures of all the -well-known Scandinavians, sketched by Scandinavian artists. My portrait -was amongst them, adorned with a horn cleverly contrived by the -manipulation of a lock of hair. - -The artist was one of our most intimate friends. I concluded that my -wife's infidelity was an open secret; everybody knew it, everybody -except myself. I asked the proprietor of the collection for an -explanation. - -Marie had taken care to inform him of my mental condition soon after -our arrival, and he swore that the decoration of my forehead existed -in my imagination only, that there was no trace of it in the sketch, -and that I had worked myself into a passion for no reason whatever. I -had to be content with this explanation until I was able to obtain more -reliable information. - -One evening we were sipping our coffee in the hotel garden in the -company of an old friend who had just arrived from Sweden. It was still -broad daylight, and from where I sat I could watch every expression -on Marie's face. The old man gave us all the latest news. Amongst -other names he mentioned that of the doctor who had treated my wife by -massage. She did not let the name pass without comment, but interrupted -him with a defiant-- - -"Ah! you know the doctor?" - -"Oh yes, he is a very popular man.... I mean to say he enjoys a certain -reputation----" - -"As a conceited fool," I interposed. - -Marie's cheeks grew pale; a cynical smile drew up the corners of her -mouth, so that her white teeth became visible. The conversation -dropped amid a general sense of embarrassment. - -When I was left alone with my friend, I begged him to tell me frankly -what he knew of those rumours which were giving me so much uneasiness. -He swore a solemn oath that he knew nothing. I continued urging him, -and at last drew from him the following enigmatical words of comfort-- - -"Moreover, my dear fellow, if you suspect one man, you may be sure that -there are several." - -That was all. But from this day onward Marie, who had been so fond -of telling tales, of mentioning the doctor's name in public, that it -sometimes seemed as if she were trying to get accustomed to talk about -him without blushing, never again alluded to him. - -This discovery impressed me so much that I took the trouble to search -my memory for similar evidence. I recollected a play which had appeared -at the time of her divorce. It threw light, vague, uncertain light, it -is true, but yet sufficient light, on the channel which led up to the -source of those rumours. - -A play--by the famous Norwegian blue-stocking, the promoter of the -"equality-mania," had fallen into my hands. I had read it without -connecting it in the least with my own case. Now, however, I applied it -easily, so easily that the blackest suspicions of my wife's good fame -seemed justified. - -This was the story of the play-- - -A photographer (the realism of my writings had won me this designation) -had married a girl of doubtful morality. She had been the mistress of -a smelter, and funds which she received from her former lover kept her -home going. She made herself proficient in her husband's profession; -and while she worked left him to loaf and spend his time in the cafes, -drinking with boon companions. - -The facts, albeit disguised in this way, must have been plain enough -to the publisher; for although the latter knew that Marie was a -translator, he did not know that I edited her translations and paid her -the proceeds of her work without condition or deduction. - -Matters did not improve when the unfortunate photographer discovered -that his daughter, whom he idolised, had come into the world -prematurely and was not his child at all, that he had been duped by his -wife when she had prevailed on him to marry her. - -To complete his degradation the deceived husband accepted a large sum -from the old lover in lieu of damages. - -In this I saw an allusion to Marie's loan which the Baron had -guaranteed; it was the same guarantee which I had been compelled to -countersign on our wedding-day. - -I could not, at first, see any similitude between the illegitimate -birth of the child in the play and my own case, for my little daughter -was not born until two years after our marriage. - -But I reflected.... What about the child who died?... I was on the -right track!... Poor little dead baby!... It had been the cause of our -marriage which otherwise might never have taken place. - -I knew that my conclusion was not altogether sound, nevertheless I had -arrived at a conclusion of some sort. Everything fitted in. Marie had -visited the Baron after the divorce, he was on friendly terms with us, -the walls of my home were decorated with his pictures, there was the -loan, and all the rest of it. - -I was determined to act, and laid my plans accordingly. I intended -to suggest that Marie should draw up an indictment, or rather a -defence, which would clear us both, for both of us had been attacked -by the feminists' man of straw; he, doubtless, had been bribed into -undertaking this profitable job. - -When Marie entered my room, I received her in the most friendly manner. - -"What is the matter?" she asked. - -"A very serious thing which concerns us both!" I told her the story -of the play, and added that the actor who played the part of the -photographer had made up to resemble me. - -She reflected, silently, a prey to very evident excitement. - -Then I suggested the defence. - -"If it is true, tell me; I shall forgive you. If the little one who -died was indeed Gustav's baby, well--you were free at the time; vague -promises only bound you to me, and you had never accepted any money -from me. As for the hero of the play, he behaved, in my opinion, like a -man of heart; he was incapable of ruining the future prospects of his -wife and daughter. The money which he accepted on behalf of the child -was nothing but a quite legitimate compensation for an injury done to -him." - -She listened with great attention; her small soul nibbled at the bait -without, however, swallowing it. - -To judge from the calm which smoothed her conscience-stricken features, -my assertion that she had a right to dispose of her body because she -had never taken money from me pleased her. She agreed that the deceived -husband was a man of heart. "A noble heart," she maintained. - -The scene ended without my succeeding to draw a confession from her. I -showed her the way out of the difficulty; I appealed to her for advice -as to the best means of repairing our honour; suggested that we should -publish our "defence" in the shape of a novel, and so cleanse ourselves -before the world and our children from all those infamies.... - -I talked for an hour. She sat at my writing-table, playing with my -penholder, in a state of intense agitation, without making a sound, -only giving vent occasionally to a short exclamation. - -I went out for a walk and then played a game of billiards. When I -returned, after a couple of hours, I found her still sitting in the -same place, motionless, like a statue. - -She roused herself when she heard my footsteps. - -"You were setting a trap for me!" she exclaimed. - -"Not at all! Do you think I want to lose the mother of my children for -ever?" - -"I consider you capable of anything. You want to be rid of me; you made -an attempt some time ago when you introduced a certain friend of yours -to me." She mentioned a name which had never before been mentioned in -this connection. "You hoped that I should betray you with him, didn't -you?" - -"Who told you that?" - -"Helga!" - -"Helga?" - -She was Marie's last "friend" before we left Sweden. The revenge of the -Lesbian! - -"And you believed her?" - -"Of course I did.... But I deceived you both, him and you!" - -"You mean there was a third?" - -"I didn't say so!" - -"But you just confessed it! Since you deceived both of us, you must -have deceived me! That is a logical conclusion." - -She fought my arguments desperately, and demanded that I should prove -them. - -"Prove them!..." - -Her treachery, surpassing the lowest depths of degradation of which I -held a human heart capable, weighed on me like a crushing load. I bowed -my head, I fell on my knees, I whined for mercy. - -"You believed in the tittle-tattle of that woman! You believed that -I wanted to be rid of you! And yet I have never been anything to you -but a true friend, a faithful husband; I can't live without you! You -complained of my jealousy ... while I regarded all women who run after -me, trying to make love to me, as evil spirits. You believed what that -woman said!... Tell me, did you really believe it?" - -She was moved to compassion, and, all at once, yielding to a prompting -to tell the truth, she confessed that she had never really believed it. - -"And you deceived me.... Confess it, I'll forgive you.... Deliver me -from the terrible, pitiless thoughts which torment me.... Confess -it...." - -She confessed nothing, and merely confined herself to calling my friend -a "scoundrel." - -A scoundrel he, my most intimate, my closest friend! - -Oh, that I lay before her dead! Life was unbearable.... - -During dinner she was more than kind to me. When I had gone to bed, -she came into my room, and, sitting on the edge of my bed, stroked my -hands, kissed my eyes, and at last, shaken to the very foundation of -her soul, burst into uncontrollable weeping. - -"Don't cry, darling, tell me what's the matter; let me comfort you!..." - -She stammered unintelligible, disconnected words about my generous -heart, my kindness, my forbearance, the great compassion which I -extended even to the worst of sinners. - -How absurd it all was! I accused her of infidelity, she praised and -caressed me. - -But the fire had been kindled, and the flames could not be extinguished. - -She had deceived me. - -I must know the name of my rival! - -The following week was one of the darkest of my whole life. - -I fought a desperate fight against all those inbred principles which -we inherit, or, rather, which we acquire through education. I resolved -to open Marie's letters and make sure how I stood with her. And yet, -although I allowed her to open all communications which came for me -during my absence, I recoiled from tampering with the sacred law of the -inviolability of letters, this most subtle obligation imposed on us by -silent agreement between the whole community. - -But my desire to know the full truth was stronger than my sense of -honour, and a day dawned when the sacred law was forgotten. A letter -had arrived; I opened it with trembling fingers; my hands shook as if -they were unfolding the death-warrant of my honour. - -It was a letter from the adventuress, friend No. 1. The subject of it -was my insanity, mockingly, contemptuously discussed; it concluded -with a prayer that God might soon deliver "her dear Marie" from her -martyrdom by extinguishing the last glimmer of my reason. - -I copied the worst passages, re-sealed the envelope, and laid the -letter aside, ready to hand it to my wife with the evening mail. When -the time came I gave it to her, and sat down by her side to watch her -while she read it. - -When she came to the part where the writer prayed for my death--at the -top of the second page--she burst into shrill laughter. - -So my beloved wife saw no other way out of her difficulties than my -death. It was her only hope of escape from the consequences of her -indiscretions. When I was gone, she would cash my life insurance and -receive the pension due to the widow of a famous writer; then she would -marry again, perhaps, or remain a gay widow all her life ... my beloved -wife.... - -_Moriturus sum!_ I resolved to hasten the catastrophe by a liberal -recourse to absinthe, sole source of happiness now, and in the meantime -play billiards to calm my excited brain. - - * * * * * - -A fresh complication confronted me, worse, if possible, than any of -the previous ones. The authoress who had pretended to be in love with -me made a conquest of Marie, and Marie became so devoted to her that -her attachment gave rise to a great deal of gossip. This roused the -jealousy of the authoress's former "inseparable," a fact which was not -calculated to contradict the ugly rumours. - -One evening Marie asked me whether I was in love with her friend.... - -"No, on the contrary! A common tippler! You can't be serious!" - -"I am mad on her," she replied. "It is strange, isn't it?... I am -afraid of being alone with her!" - -"Why?" - -"I don't know! She is so charming ... delicious...." - -"Indeed...." - -In the following week we invited some of our Paris friends, artists, -without scruples or prejudices, and their wives. - -The men came, but alone; the wives sent apologies, so transparent that -they amounted to insults. - -Dinner degenerated into perfect orgy. The scandalous conduct of the men -revolted me. - -They treated Marie's two friends as if they were prostitutes, and -when every one was more or less intoxicated I saw one of the officers -present repeatedly kissing my wife. - -I waved my billiard cue above their heads and demanded an explanation. - -"He's a friend of my childhood, a relative! Don't make yourself a -laughing-stock, you silly!" replied Marie. - -"Moreover, it is a Russian custom to kiss in public, and we are Russian -subjects." - -"Rubbish!" exclaimed one of the convives. "A relative? Humbug!" - -I nearly committed a murder then. I had every intention to ... but the -thought of leaving my children without father and mother arrested my -arm. - -When the company had left I had a scene with Marie. - -"Prostitute!" - -"Why?" - -"Because you submit to being treated like one." - -"Are you jealous?" - -"Yes, I am jealous; jealous of my honour, the dignity of my family, the -reputation of my wife, the future of my children! It is because of your -unworthy conduct that we are ostracised by all decent women. To allow -a stranger to kiss you in public! Don't you realise that you are mad, -that you neither see, nor hear, nor understand what you are doing, that -you are absolutely devoid of all sense of duty? I shall have you shut -up if you don't mend your ways, and, to begin with, I forbid you to -have anything more to do with those two women!" - -"It's all your fault! You egged me on!" - -"I wanted to see how far you would go!" - -"See how far I would go! What proof have you that the relationship -between me and my friends is such as you suspect?" - -"What proof! None! But I have your admissions, your slippery tales. And -didn't one of your friends admit that in her own country she would fall -into the hands of the law?" - -"I thought you denied the existence of vice!" - -"I don't care how your friends amuse themselves so long as their -amusements do not interfere with the welfare of my family. From the -moment, however, that their 'peculiarities,' if you prefer this word, -threaten to injure us, they are, as far as we are concerned, criminal -acts. True, as a philosopher, I don't admit the existence of vice, -but only of physical or moral defects. And, quite recently, when this -unnatural tendency was discussed in the French parliament, all the -French physicians of note were of opinion that it was not the province -of the law to interfere in these matters, except in cases where the -interests of individual citizens were violated." - -I might as well have preached to stone walls. How could I hope to make -this woman, who acknowledged no other law but her animal instincts, -grasp a philosophical distinction! - -To be quite sure of the facts, I wrote to a friend in Paris and asked -him to tell me the plain truth. - -In his reply, which was very candid, he told me that my wife's perverse -tendencies were no secret in Scandinavia, and that the two Danes were -well-known Lesbians in Paris. - -We were in debt at our hotel, and had no money; therefore we were -unable to move. But the two Danish ladies got into trouble with the -peasants, and were compelled to leave. - -We had known them for eight months, and an abrupt termination of our -friendship was impossible; moreover, they belonged to good families, -and were well educated; they had been comrades in trouble, and I -resolved to grant them a retreat with honours. A farewell banquet was -therefore arranged in the studio of one of the young artists. - -At dessert, when every one was more or less gay with the wine which -had been drunk, Marie, overcome by her feelings, rose to sing a song -of her own composition. It was an imitation of the well-known song in -_Mignon_, and in it she bade farewell to her friend. She sang with fire -and genuine feeling, her almond-shaped eyes were full of tears and -glowed softly in the reflection of the candle-light; she opened her -heart so wide that even I was touched and charmed. There was a candour, -an ingenuousness in this woman's love-song to a woman, so pathetic that -it kept all unchaste thoughts at bay. And how strange it was! She had -neither the appearance nor the manners of the hermaphrodite; she was -essentially woman; loving, tender, mysterious, unfathomable woman. - -How different from her was the object of her tenderness! She was a pure -Russian type, with masculine features, a hooked nose, a massive chin, -yellow eyes and bloated cheeks, a flat chest, crooked fingers--a truly -hideous woman--a peasant would not have looked at her. - -When she had finished her song Marie sat down by the side of this -freak; the latter rose, took Marie's head in her two hands and kissed -her on the lips. That at least was pure and unadulterated sensuality. - -I drank with the Russian until she was quite intoxicated; she stumbled, -looked at me with large, bewildered eyes, and, sobbing like an -imbecile, clutched the wall to support herself. I had never before seen -such ugliness in human shape. - -The banquet ended with a row in the street. On the following morning -the two Danes left. - - * * * * * - -Marie passed through a terrible crisis; I was genuinely sorry for her; -her longing for her friend, her suffering, were unmistakable. It was a -genuine instance of unhappy love. She went for solitary walks in the -woods, sang love-songs, visited the favourite haunts of her friends, -exhibited every symptom of a wounded heart. I began to entertain fears -for her sanity. She was unhappy, and I could not console her. She -avoided my caresses, pushed me aside when I tried to kiss her. My heart -was full of hatred for the woman who had robbed me of my wife's love. -Perfectly unconscious of herself, Marie made no secret of the identity -of the person for whom she was mourning. She talked of nothing but her -love and her sorrow. It was incredible! - - * * * * * - -The two friends carried on a brisk correspondence. Infuriated with her -indifference to me, I one day seized one of her friend's letters. It -was a genuine love-letter. "My 'darling, my little puss, my clever, -delicate, tender, noble-hearted Marie; that coarse husband of yours is -but a stupid brute...." and so on. The letter further suggested that -she should leave me, and proposed ways and means of escape.... - -I stood up against my rival, and on the same evening--oh, my God! -Marie and I fought in the moonshine. She bit my hands, I dragged her to -the river to drown her like a kitten--when suddenly I saw a vision of -my children. It brought me to my senses. - -I resolved to put an end to myself, but before doing so I determined to -write the story of my life. - - * * * * * - -The first part of the book was finished when the news spread through -the village that the Danish ladies had engaged rooms. - -I instantly had the trunks packed, and we left for German Switzerland. - - - - -IV - - -Lovely Argovia! Sweet Arcady, where the postmaster tends his flocks, -where the colonel drives the only cab, where the young girls are -virgins when they marry, and the young men shoot at targets and -play the drum. Utopia! land of the golden beer and smoked sausages; -birthplace of the game of ninepins, the House of Habsburg, William -Tell, rustic merry-makings and naive songs straight from the heart, -pastors' wives and vicarage idylls! - -Peace returned to our troubled hearts. I recovered, and Marie, weary -of strife, wrapped herself in undisguised indifference. We played -backgammon as a safety-valve, and our conversations, so fraught with -danger, were replaced by the rolling of dice. I drank good, wholesome -beer instead of wine and the nerve-shattering absinthe. - -The influence of our environment soon made itself felt. I was amazed to -find that such serene calm could follow the storms we had weathered, -that the elasticity of the mind could withstand so many shocks, that we -could forget the past, that I could fancy myself the happiest husband -of the most faithful wife. - -Marie, deprived of all society and friends, uncomplainingly devoted -herself to her children. After a month had elapsed the little ones were -dressed in frocks which she had cut out and made with her own hands. -She was never impatient with them, and allowed them to absorb her -completely. - -For the first time now I noticed a certain lassitude in her; her love -of pleasure was less pronounced, approaching middle-age made itself -felt. How grieved she was when she lost her first tooth! Poor girl! -She wept, put her arms round me and implored me never to cease loving -her. She was now thirty-seven years old. Her hair had grown thinner, -her bosom had sunk like the waves of the sea after a storm, the stairs -tired her little feet, her lungs no longer worked with the old pressure. - -And I, although I had not yet reached my prime, although my strength -was increasing and I enjoyed excellent health, I loved her more than -ever at the thought that now she would belong entirely to me and her -children. Shielded from temptation, surrounded by my tender care, she -would grow old in the fulfilment of her duties towards her family.... - -Her return to a more normal state of mind manifested itself in many -pathetic ways. Realising her hazardous position as the wife of a -comparatively young man of thirty-eight, she took it into her head to -be jealous of me; she was more particular about the details of her -dress, and took care of herself during the day, so that she might be -fresh and able to please me in the evening. - -She need have had no fear, for I am monogamous by temperament, and, -far from abusing the situation, I did my utmost to spare her the cruel -pangs of jealousy by giving her proof after proof of my renewed love. - - * * * * * - -In the autumn I made up my mind to make a tour through French -Switzerland; I intended to be away for three weeks, and never stay -longer than a day at any one place. - -Marie, still clinging to the idea of my shattered health, tried to -dissuade me. - -"I am sure it will kill you," she reiterated. - -"We shall see!" - -The tour was a point of honour with me, an attempt to win her back -completely, to reawaken in her the love of the virile. - - * * * * * - -I returned after incredible hardships, strong, brown and healthy. - -There was a look of admiration, a challenge in her eyes when she met -me, which was, however, quickly superseded by a look of disappointment. - -I, on the other hand, after my three weeks' absence and abstinence, -treated her as a man treats a beloved mistress, a wife from whom he -has been parted all too long. I put my arm round her waist and, like a -conqueror, seized my own, after a journey of forty-eight hours without -a break.... She did not know what to think; she was amazed, afraid of -betraying her real feelings; frightened at the thought of finding the -"tamer" in her husband. - -When my excitement had abated a little, I noticed that Marie's -expression had undergone a change. I scrutinised her appearance: her -missing tooth had been replaced, a fact which made her look much -younger. Certain details of her dress betrayed a wish to please. It -roused my attention. I soon discovered the reason in the presence of a -young girl of about fourteen, with whom she was exceedingly friendly. -They kissed one another, went for walks together, bathed together.... - -There was nothing left for me to do but to take her away it once. - - - - -V - - -We took rooms in a German private hotel on the shores of the Lake of -Lucerne. - -Marie relapsed into her former ways. She paid a great deal of attention -to one of the guests, a young officer; played ninepins with him, and -took melancholy walks in the garden while I worked. - -I noticed at dinner that they exchanged tender glances, although no -words were uttered. They seemed to caress one another with the eyes. I -resolved to put them to the test at once, and, turning round sharply, -looked straight into my wife's face. She tried to throw me off the -scent by letting her eyes glide along the young man's temples until -they rested on the wall, on a spot which was adorned by a huge poster -advertising a brewery. She made an inane remark to cover her confusion. - -"Is that a new brewery?" she stammered. - -"Yes ... but don't imagine that you can hoodwink me," I retorted. - -She bent her neck, as if I had pulled in the reins, and remained silent. - -Two days later, in the evening, on pretence of being tired, she kissed -me good-night and left the room. I too went to bed, and after reading -for a little while, fell asleep. - -All of a sudden I awoke. Some one was playing the piano in the -drawing-room; a voice was singing--it was Marie's voice. - -I arose and called the children's nurse. - - - - -"Go and tell your mistress to go to bed at once," I said. "Tell her -that if she refuses I shall come down myself and shake her in the -presence of the whole company." - -Marie came up-stairs at once. She seemed ashamed, and with an air of -injured innocence she asked me why I had sent her so strange a message; -why I would not allow her to stay in the drawing-room, although there -were other ladies present? - -"I don't mind your staying in the drawing-room," I replied angrily. -"But I do object to your sly ways of getting rid of me whenever you -want to be there by yourself." - -"If you insist, very well, I'll go to bed." - -This candour, this sudden submission.... What had happened? - - * * * * * - -Winter had set in in good earnest. There was an abundance of snow; the -sky was leaden, and we were cut off from all society. Everybody had -left; we were the last guests in the modest hotel. The extreme cold -compelled us to take our meals in the large public dining-room of the -restaurant. - -One morning, while we were at luncheon, a strong, thick-set man, rather -nice-looking, evidently belonging to the servant class, entered, sat -down at one of the tables, and asked for a glass of wine. - -Marie scrutinised the stranger in her free and easy manner, took his -measure, as it were, and became lost in a reverie. - -The man went away, confused and flattered by her attention. - -"A nice-looking man," she remarked, turning to the host. - -"He used to be my porter." - - - - -"Was he? He really is unusually good-looking for his class! A very -nice-looking man indeed!" - -And she went into details, praising his virile beauty in terms which -puzzled our host. - -On the following morning the dashing ex-porter was already in his place -when we entered. Dressed in his Sunday best, hair and beard trimmed, -he appeared to be fully aware of his conquest. He bowed; my wife -acknowledged his bow with a graceful bending of her head; he squared -his shoulders and gave himself the airs of a Napoleon. - -He returned on the third day, determined to break the ice. He started -a polite conversation, reminiscent of the back-door, all the while -addressing himself directly to my wife without wasting any time over -the usual trick of first conciliating the husband. - -It was intolerable! - -Marie, in the presence of her husband and children, allowed herself to -be drawn into a discussion by a stranger. - -Once more I tried to open her eyes, begged her to be more careful of -her reputation. - -Her only answer was her usual: "You have a nasty mind!" - -A second Apollo came to the rescue. He was the village tobacconist, an -undersized man, at whose shop Marie was in the habit of making small -purchases. More shrewd than the porter, he tried to make friends with -me first; he was of a more enterprising nature. At the first meeting he -stared impudently at Marie and loudly exclaimed to our host-- - -"I say, what a distinguished-looking family!" - -Marie's heart caught fire, and the village beau returned night after -night. - -One evening he was intoxicated, and therefore more insolent than -usual. He approached Marie while we were playing backgammon, and asked -her to explain the rules of the game to him. I answered as civilly as I -could under the circumstances, and the worthy man returned to his seat, -snubbed. Marie, more sensitive than I, was under the impression that -she ought to make amends for my rudeness; she turned to him with the -first question which came into her mind-- - -"Do you play billiards?" she said. - -"No, madame, or rather, I play badly...." - -He rose again, approached a step or two, and offered me a cigar. I -declined. - -He turned to Marie. "Won't you smoke, madame?" Fortunately for her, for -the tobacconist and the future of my family, she too declined, but she -refused in a manner which flattered him. - -How dared this man offer a lady a cigarette in a restaurant in the -presence of her husband? - -Was I a jealous fool? Or was my wife's conduct so scandalous that she -excited the desire of the first-comer? - -We had a scene in our room, for I regarded her as a somnambulist whom -it was my duty to awaken. She was walking straight to her doom, without -being in the least aware of it. I gave her an epitome of her sins, old -and new, and minutely criticised her conduct. - -Silently, with a pale face and dream-shadowed eyes, she listened until -I had finished. Then she rose and went down-stairs to bed. But this -time--for the first time in my life--I fell so low as to play the spy. -I crept down-stairs, found her bedroom door, and looked through the -keyhole. - -The rich glow of the lamp fell on the children's nurse, who sat -opposite the door right in the field of my vision. Marie was pacing the -room excitedly, vehemently denouncing my unfounded suspicions; she -conducted her case as a criminal conducts his defence. - -And yet I was innocent, quite innocent, in spite of all my -opportunities to sin.... - -She produced two glasses of beer, and they drank together. They sat -down, side by side, and Marie looked at her caressingly. Closer and -closer she moved to the girl, put her head on the shoulders of this new -friend, slipped her arm round her waist and kissed her.... - -Poor Marie! Poor, unhappy woman, who sought comfort far from me, who -alone could set her mind at rest and give her peace. All of a sudden -she drew herself up, listened, and pointed towards the door. - -"Some one's there!" - -I slipped away. - -When I returned to my post of observation I noticed that Marie was -half undressed, exposing her shoulders to the gaze of the girl, who, -however, remained quite unmoved. Then she resumed her defence. - -"There can be no doubt that he is mad! I shouldn't be surprised if he -tried to poison me.... I suffer unbearable pains in my inside.... But -no, it's hardly probable ... perhaps I ought to fly to Finland.... What -do you think?... Only it would kill him, for he loves the children...." - -What was this, if not the outpourings of an evil conscience?... Stung -with remorse, she was terror-stricken and sought refuge on the bosom -of a woman! She was a perverted child; an unfaithful wife, a criminal; -but, above all, she was an unhappy woman. - -I lay awake all night, a prey to my tormenting thoughts. At two o'clock -in the morning I heard her moaning in her sleep. Full of pity, I -knocked on the floor to dispel the visions which terrified her. It was -not the first time that I had done this. - -She thanked me on the following morning for having awakened her from -her nightmare. I made much of her, and begged her to tell me, her best -friend, everything. - -"Tell you what?... I have nothing to tell." - -I should have given her absolution for whatever crime she had confessed -to me at that moment, for my heart was full of compassion. I loved -her with an infinite love, despite of, or perhaps because of, all the -misery she had wrought. She was but an unhappy woman. How could I raise -my hand against her? - -But instead of delivering me once and for all from the terrible doubts -which haunted me, she offered me the most strenuous resistance. She had -persuaded herself that I was insane; her instinct of self-preservation -had built up a legend behind which she could shield herself from the -attacks of her anguished conscience. - - * * * * * - -_Sunwards_. - -Not a single ray of sunlight had gladdened the little village of Gersau -on the shore of the Lake of Lucerne for three long weeks, not, in fact, -since the beginning of October, when the Foehn began to blow. There had -been a dead calm; after sunset I had fallen asleep and slept until I -was awakened, in the middle of the night, by the ringing of the church -bells and a noise which mingled with the peculiar rushing sound of -the tempest as it came sweeping across the Alps, flung itself on the -southern shore of the lake, was compressed into the valley and forced -into the streets of our village, where it tore at the signs, shook the -window shutters, rattled the slates and howled through the branches of -trees and shrubs. - -The waves of the lake dashed against the dam, foamed over the border -and plashed against the sides of the boats. Handfuls of storm-lashed -sand were flung at our windows; the leaves, torn from their branches, -went dancing and whirling by, the doors of the stoves clattered, the -walls shook. I looked out of the window; the church was lighted up, -and the bells were ringing to awaken those who still slept. In these -parts the Foehn is accounted as full of danger as an earthquake, for -it does not only sweep away the houses, but it tears the mountains to -pieces and flings them into the valleys. Our house was situated at the -base of a mountain which, though only fifteen hundred metres high, -carried on its summit a loose litter of rocks, peculiarly adapted to -stone-throwing on a large scale. The tempest raged for three hours, -then the danger was over; but on the following morning everybody in -the village knew that at Schwyz a rock had fallen on a farmhouse and -carried away the right wing without injury to those who lived in the -left. - -After this warm but terrific gale a fog descended on village and lake. -The sky was overcast, but no rain fell; yet there was no sunshine. This -continued for three weeks, and if the outlook had been grey to begin -with, it ended by being black. The beautiful alpine landscape, the -unrivalled restorer of flagging spirits, had lost its potency, for it -was impossible to see further ahead than a hundred yards up the steep -rocks; the heart became heavy as lead and indescribably depressed. -The tourists had turned their faces homewards, the hotels were empty, -November was upon us, sombre and gloomy. The hours dragged on wearily; -one longed for the end of the dreary day and the cheerful light of the -lamps; the dismal sky was grey, the lake was grey, the landscape was -grey. - -No wind, no rain, no thunder. Nature, so varied and diversified, had -become monotonous, calm and quiet; so peaceful that an earthquake would -have been a relief. - -Wherever the light did not fall, greyness reigned; vision was dimmed, -and drowsiness, akin to laziness, enveloped the soul. - -One evening, when I complained to the magistrate of the long absence -of the sun, he answered with the phlegm which characterises the -German-Swiss-- - -"The sun! You can see the sun all day long on the Hochfluh!" - -The Hochfluh was one of the small mountain ranges which surrounded the -valley in which we lived; it was only two hundred metres lower than the -Sulitelma, and consequently a favourite walk of young English tourists. -Being a worshipper of the sun, I decided to make a pilgrimage to my -deity, and early one November morning I set out on my travels. - -The inhabitants of Gersau, living at the base of a mountain which, as -I have already mentioned, every now and then transforms itself into -a volcano and rains rocks and stones on the valleys, have from time -immemorial cultivated the habit of preparing themselves for death by -visiting their church three times a day, at morning, noon and evening. -I was not surprised, therefore, to meet the church-goers now, at eight -o'clock in the morning, carrying their Prayer Books in their hands. -Two old women, patiently performing their daily half-mile trudge to -morning prayers, were counting their beads on the highroad. One of them -started the angelic salutation "Ave Maria!" and her companion joined in -the burden "In saecula saeculorum, Amen." They kept up their monotonous' -mumbling the whole way, and though this counting of beads may not have -done any actual good, it at least prevented any misuse of the tongue; -I could not help thinking of the well-known anecdote of the count who -made his butler whistle whenever he was busy in the wine cellar. - -Soon after I had left the old women and the highroad behind, and begun -the ascent, I came upon some sights which were so striking that they -made a lasting impression on me. Close to the first curve of the road -grew a walnut tree, to which were nailed a crucifix and a tablet; the -inscription on the latter informed the passer-by that farmer Seppi, -while busy with the harvest, fell from the tree and was killed. God -have mercy on his soul! Pray for him! Amen! - -At the next corner there was a queer little shrine built of whitewashed -bricks, small like a child's dolls'-house. A peep through the railings -disclosed pictures of the Holy Family, painted, perhaps, in the -sixteenth century, and a legend to the effect that criminals on their -way to execution were allowed a few minutes' respite before the shrine -to utter a last prayer. I was, therefore, on the road which led to the -gallows, and a few minutes later I arrived at the place of execution, -a pleasant open spot on the top of an overhanging cliff which jutted -out in the direction of the lake. From this point one had a magnificent -view. To bid farewell to life with a last look at such a picture as -greets the eye from the summit of Pilatus, Buechserhorn or Buergenstock -is quite conceivably a genuine pleasure. Even Voltaire could have felt -none of the repugnance which was excited in him by the idea of being -hanged in secret, a contingency which filled him with such extreme -disgust, that he was quite consistent in accusing Rousseau of a vanity -so great that it would permit him to submit cheerfully to be hanged, if -he could be sure of his name being nailed to the gallows. - -In the distance, near the shore, I could dimly discern a faint -outline of a haunted little church, called "Kindlimord" because a -grief-stricken father is said there to have killed his starving child. - -I left these four melancholy landmarks behind me in the grey morning -light, and hastened my ascent to those happier heights where the sun -was shining. - -Very soon beeches took the place of chestnut and walnut trees. I rested -for a while in a dairy cottage in the company of fine cattle and a -horrible cur, and then entered cloudland. I seemed to be walking in a -dense fog, which grew in density and almost completely blotted out the -landscape. The effort to see made my eyes ache; trees and shrubs loomed -indistinctly through a cloud of smoke; the millions of cobwebs which -festooned the branches were richly studded with raindrops; it looked -as if the old woman of the wood, if there is such a being, had hung up -thousands of lace handkerchiefs to dry. - -It was difficult to breathe; the fog hung on my coat, hair, beard and -eyebrows, gave out a stale, sickly smell, and rendered the rocks so -smooth and slippery that I could hardly keep my footing; it darkened -the heart of the wood, where the trunks were quickly swallowed up in a -monotonous grey, which limited the range of vision to a few yards. - -I had to climb up through this layer of fog, extending about a thousand -metres upwards, a cold and damp purgatory, before I could reach the -sun; and I struggled on, with sublime faith in the magistrate's word -of honour that the fog would cease before the mountain ceased and grey -space began. - -I had no barometer with me, but I felt that I was ascending, that -the fog was growing less dense, and that I was approaching a purer -atmosphere. - -A feeling of intoxication seized me--a faint glimmer from above dimly -illuminated the narrow pass, like the first dawn of day shining through -the picture of a landscape painted on a window-blind; the trees stood -out more distinctly, the field of vision increased, the tinkling of -cowbells--from above--fell on my ear. And now, right on the summit, -there hung a golden cloud; a few more steps and the stunted beeches -and brushwood shone and glittered, dazzling splashes of gold, copper, -bronze and silver, wherever a stream of broken sunlight fell on the -faded foliage which was still clinging to the branches. I was standing -in an autumn landscape looking out into a sun-bathed summerland; -through my mind flashed the memory of a sail on the Lake of Maelar; I -remembered how I was sitting in the sunshine, watching the passing of -a black hail-storm no further off than a cable-length to leeward. And -now I, too, stood in the sunlight, gazing at a northern landscape made -up of firs and birch trees, green fields and red cattle, little brown -cottages with old women on the thresholds, knitting socks for father, -who was toiling far down in the canton of Tessin; my eyes rested on -potato fields and lavender bushes, dahlias and marigolds. - -The sun dried my hair and coat, and warmed my shivering limbs; I bared -my head before the glowing orb, source and preserver of all there is, -completely indifferent whether I was worshipping unquenchable flames of -burning hydrogen, or the not yet scientifically acknowledged primordial -substance, helium. Was it not the All-Father, who had given birth to -the Cosmos, the Almighty, the Lord of life and death, ice and heat, -summer and winter, dearth and plenty? - -My eyes, which had been feasting on summer joy and green fields, -plunged into the gloom of the abyss whence I had climbed. The mantle of -cold and darkness which had been lying on the surface of the lake was -cold and dark no longer; dazzling clouds, like snowy, sunlit piles of -wool, hid from my gaze the twilight and the polluted earth; above them -rose snow-clad peaks, glistening and sparkling, fashioned of condensed -silver fog, a crystallised solution of air and sunlight, drift-ice -on a sea of newly fallen snow. It was a vision of transcendent -beauty, compared to which the cowbell-idyll under the birch trees was -commonplace. - -The dead silence was suddenly broken by a sound from below, where -melancholy men and women toiled and trembled in the grey gloom. It was -a splashing sound which approached deliberately; so deliberately that -my eyes unconsciously tried to follow its course under the cloud-cover. -It sounded like a millstream, a brook swollen with rain, a tidal wave. -Then a scream rent the air, loud and wild, as if all the dwellers in -the four cantons were calling for help against Uri-Rotstock; it was -the shrill whistle of the paddle-boat which, penetrating the layer of -clouds, gained in volume in the pure air and was caught up and tossed -from rock to rock by the redundant echo of the Hochfluh. - -It was noon! Time to begin my descent through the fog down to the -greyness, the darkness, the damp, the dirt, and wait for another three -weeks, perhaps, for another glimpse of the sun. - - - - -VI - - -After the New Year we left Switzerland and took up our abode in -Germany; we had decided to stay for a while at the lovely shores of the -Lake of Constance. - -In Germany, the land of militarism, where the patriarchate is still in -full force, Marie felt completely out of it. No one would listen to -her futile talk about women's rights. Here young girls had just been -forbidden to attend the University lectures; here the dowry of a woman -who marries an officer of the army has to be deposited with the War -Office; here all government appointments are reserved for the man, the -breadwinner of the family. - -Marie struggled and fought as if she had been caught in a trap. On her -first attempt to hoodwink me she was severely taken to task by the -women. For the first time in my life I found the fair sex entirely -on my side; henceforth she had to play second fiddle. The friendly -intercourse with the officers braced me; their manners influenced mine; -and after ten years of spiritual emasculation my manhood reasserted -itself. - -I let my hair grow as it liked, and abolished the fringe on which -Marie had insisted; my voice, which had grown thin from everlastingly -speaking in soothing tones to a woman, regained its former volume. The -hollows in my cheeks filled out, and although I was now beginning my -fortieth year my whole physique gained in strength and vigour. - -I was friendly with all the women in the house, and soon fell into the -habit of taking a very active part in the conversation, while Marie, -poor, unpopular Marie, once again sat in silence. - -She began to be afraid of me. One morning, for the first time in the -last six years of our marriage, she appeared fully dressed in my -bedroom before I was up. I could not understand this sudden move, but -we had a stormy scene, during which she admitted that she was jealous -of the girl who came into my room every morning to light the fire in my -stove. - -"And I do detest your new ways!" she exclaimed. "I hate this so-called -manliness, and loathe you when you give yourself airs!" - -Well, I knew that it had always been the page, the lap-dog, the -weakling, "her child" that she loved. The virago never loves virility -in her husband, however much she may admire it elsewhere. - -I became more and more popular with the women. I sought their society; -my whole nature was expanding in the friendly warmth which they -emanated, these true women, who inspired the respectful love, the -genuine devotion which a man only feels for a womanly woman. - - * * * * * - -We were discussing our return home. But again my old suspicions -tormented me. I shrank from the renewal of old relations with former -friends, some of whom might quite conceivably have been my wife's -lovers. To put an end to my doubts, I determined to cross-examine her, -for my letters to friends in Sweden had been so much waste of paper. I -had been unable to elicit a candid statement. - -Everybody pitied the "mother." No one cared whether or not the "father" -would be ruined by the ridicule which threatened to befall him. - -An excellent idea occurred to me. I would make use of the resources -of the new science of psychology and thought-reading. I introduced -it into our evening amusements, as if it were a game, employing the -methods of Bishop and his kind. Marie was suspicious. She charged -me with being a spiritualist; laughingly called me a superstitious -free-thinker; overwhelmed me with abuse--in fact, used every means in -her power to divert my attention from practices the danger of which she -apparently anticipated. I pretended to give in, and dropped hypnotism, -but I resolved to make my attack some time when she was off her guard. - -The opportunity came one evening when we were sitting alone in the -dining-room, facing each other. I gradually led the conversation to -gymnastics. I succeeded in interesting her so much that she became -excited and, compelled either by my will-power or the association of -ideas which I had aroused in her mind, she mentioned massage. This -suggested the pain caused by the treatment, and remembering her own -experience in this connection she exclaimed-- - -"Oh yes, the treatment is certainly painful--I can feel the pain now -when I think of----" - -She paused. She bowed her head to hide her pallor; her lips moved as -if she were anxious to change the subject; her eyelids flickered. A -terrible silence followed which I prolonged as much as possible. This -was the train of thought which I had set in motion and guided, full -steam on, in the intended direction. In vain she tried to put on the -brake. The abyss lay before her; she could not stop the engine. With a -superhuman effort she broke from the grip of my eyes and rushed out of -the room. - -The blow had struck home. - -She returned a few minutes later; her face had lost its strained -expression. Under pretence of demonstrating to me the beneficial -effect of massage, she came behind my chair and stroked my head. -Unfortunately the little scene was acted before a mirror. A furtive -glance showed me her pale, terrified face, her troubled eyes which -scrutinised my features ... our searching glances met. - -Contrary to her habit she came and sat on my knee, put her arms round -me lovingly and murmured that she was very sleepy. - -"What wrong have you committed to-day that you caress me like this?" I -asked. - -She hid her face on my shoulder, kissed me and went out of the room, -bidding me good-night. - -I am perfectly well aware that this sort of evidence would not satisfy -a jury, but it was sufficient for me, who knew her so well. - -And to my thinking the evidence was strengthened by the fact that a -short time ago my brother-in-law had forbidden the doctor his house, -because the latter had made advances to my sister. - - * * * * * - -I was therefore determined not to return to my own country. At home I -should be compelled to associate daily with men whom I distrusted, and -to escape the ridicule which inevitably falls to the share of the duped -husband, I fled to Vienna. - -Alone in my hotel, the vision of the wife I had worshipped haunted -me. Utterly unable to work, I began a correspondence with her. I -wrote her love-letters twice a day. The unknown town affected me like -a cemetery. I moved through the thronging crowd like a phantom. But -after a while my imagination began to people this solitude. I invented -a romantic story for the sole reason of introducing Marie into this -dreary desert, and soon life was pulsing everywhere. I pictured her -as a famous singer, and to lend my dream a semblance of reality and -make of the fine city a more convincing background for her, I made -the acquaintance of the director of the Conservatoire. I, who detested -the theatre, visited the opera or a concert every night. Everything -interested me intensely, because I reported everything to her. No -sooner had I arrived at my hotel than I sat down and gave her a minute -description of Miss So-and-so's performance, drawing comparisons which -were invariably in her own favour. - -Her spirit pervaded the picture galleries. I spent an hour before -the Venus of Guido Reni in the Belvedere, because she was so like my -beloved. - -In the end my longing grew so irresistible that I packed my box and -returned home as fast as the express could carry me. Surely I was -bewitched; there was no means of escape from her. - -I had a royal reception. - -My love-letters seemed to have rekindled Marie's love. I ran up the -little garden to meet her. I covered her face with passionate kisses. I -took her little head between my hands. - -"Can you really work magic, little witch?" - -"What do you mean? Your journey was not an attempt at flight, was it?" - -"It was! But you are stronger than I am.... I throw down my arms...." - -On my writing-table lay a spray of red roses. - -"You do love me a little?" - -She was covered with confusion like a young girl--she blushed ... it -was all over with me, my honour, my efforts to break the chains which -bound me, and which I longed for when I was free. - -Six months went by; we lived in a wonderful dream: we chirruped -like starlings, we kissed, our love was endless. We played duets -and backgammon. The most beautiful days of the last five years were -surpassed. Spring had returned in the autumn of our lives! And had we -not dreaded the approach of the winter? - - * * * * * - -I was fast again in her toils. She was convinced that the love philtre -which she had given me to drink had intoxicated me afresh, and relapsed -into her former indifference. She neglected her appearance, and despite -all my remonstrances no longer took the trouble to make the best of -herself. I foresaw that the result would be coldness on both sides, in -spite of ourselves. Even her preference for her own sex reappeared, -more dangerous and more pitiable, for this time she made love to young -girls. - -One evening we had invited the commandant and his fourteen-year-old -daughter, cur hostess and her daughter, a girl of fifteen, and a third -girl of about the same age to a quiet little dinner-party, which was to -be followed by a dance. - -Towards midnight--to this day I grow hot when I think of it--I saw that -Marie, who had been drinking freely, had gathered the young girls round -her and, looking at them with lascivious eyes, was kissing them on the -lips. - -The commandant was watching the scene from a dark corner of the room, -hardly able to control himself. In imagination I saw prison, penal -servitude, a scandal which we could never live down; I made a rush at -the group and broke it up, telling the girls to join in the dancing.... - -When we were left alone I took Marie to task. We argued and stormed -till daylight. Since she had had more wine than was good for her, she -lost her head and confessed things which I had never even dreamed of. - -Beside myself with anger, I repeated all my indictments, all my -suspicions, and added a new charge, in which I did not really believe -myself. - -"And this mysterious illness, these headaches from which I suffer...." - -"What! You blame me for that too!" - -I had not meant what she insinuated; I had merely referred to the -symptoms of cyanide poisoning which I had observed in myself. - -All of a sudden a reminiscence flashed into my mind; the thought of -something which at the time had seemed too improbable that it had left -no permanent trace in my memory.... - -My suspicion was strengthened when I remembered a certain epithet used -in an anonymous letter which I had received a short time after Marie's -divorce. The letter referred to her as "the prostitute of Soedertaelje." - -What did it mean? I had made inquiries which had come to nothing. Was I -on the point of making a fresh discovery? - -When the Baron, Marie's first husband, made her acquaintance at -Soedertaelje, she was half and half engaged to a young officer, a man -with admittedly bad health. Poor Gustav had played the part of a -greenhorn. That accounted for the warm gratitude which she felt for -him even after the divorce; she had confessed at the time that he had -delivered her from dangers ... what dangers she had not mentioned. - -But "the prostitute of Soedertaelje"? I reflected ... the retired life -which the young couple led, without friends, without society; they had -been ostracised by the class to which they belonged. - -Had Marie's mother, formerly a governess of middle-class origin, who -had wheedled Marie's father into a marriage with her; who had fled -to Sweden to escape from pressing debts; had she, the widow who so -cleverly contrived to conceal her poverty, stooped to sell her daughter -when they were living at Soedertaelje? - -The old woman, a coquette still at the age of sixty, had always -inspired me with mingled feelings of compassion and dislike; mean, -pleasure-loving, with the manners of an adventuress, a veritable -"man-eater," she regarded every man as her legitimate prey. She had -made me support her sister; she had deceived her first son-in-law, the -Baron, with the story of a dowry swindled out of one of her creditors. - -Poor Marie! Her remorse, her unrest, her dark moods were rooted in -that shady past. In putting old events by the side of new ones I had -the key to the quarrels between mother and daughter, brutal quarrels, -frequently verging on violence. I could understand Marie's hitherto -incomprehensible words, "I could kick my mother!" - -Had her game been to silence the old woman? Probably; for the latter -had threatened to ruin our lives by confessing "everything." - -There could have been no doubt of Marie's dislike for her mother, -to whom the Baron frequently referred as "that old blackguard," an -invective which he justified with the half-truth that she had taught -her daughter all the tricks of coquetry to enable her to catch a -husband. - -All these coincidences strengthened my determination to separate from -her. It had to be! There was no alternative. And I left for Copenhagen -to make inquiries into the past of the woman in whose keeping I had -confided my honour. - - * * * * * - -In meeting my countrymen after several years' absence I found that -they had formed very definite opinions of me; the eager exertions of -Marie and her friends had borne fruit. She was a holy martyr; I was a -madman, whose lunacy consisted in believing himself to be saddled with -an unfaithful wife. - -Make inquiries? It was like beating my head against a stone wall. -People listened to what I had to say with a furtive smile and stared at -me as if I were a rare animal. No information was vouchsafed to me; I -was deserted by every one, especially by those who secretly yearned for -my ruin, so that they might rise over my fallen body. - -I returned to my prison. Marie met me with evident misgivings; I -learned more from the expression of her face than I had learned during -the whole of my melancholy journey. - -For two months I champed upon the bit; then I fled for the fourth time, -in the height of summer, this time to Switzerland. But the chain which -held me was not an iron chain which I might have been able to break; -it was rather an indiarubber cable, elastic and capable of infinite -expansion. The stronger the tension, the more irresistibly I was pulled -back to the starting point. - -Once more I returned, to be rewarded with open contempt; she was sure -that another attempt to free myself from her net would kill me, and my -death was her only hope. - -I fell ill, severely ill, so that I believed myself to be dying; I -made up my mind to write the whole story of the past. I could see -plainly now that I had been in the power of a vampire. I only wanted to -live long enough to cleanse my name from the filth with which she had -sullied it. I wanted to live long enough to revenge myself; but first -of all I must have proofs of her infidelity. - -I hated her now with a hatred more fatal than indifference because it -is the anthithesis of love. I hated her because I loved her. - -It was on a Sunday, while we were dining in the summer-arbour, that the -electric fluid which had gathered during the last ten years discharged -itself. I cannot remember my actual motive, but I struck her, for the -first time in my life. I struck her face repeatedly, and when she -tried to defend herself I seized her wrists and forced her on her -knees. She gave a terrified scream. The temporary satisfaction which I -had felt at my action gave way to dismay, for the children, frightened -to death, cried out with fear. It was a horrible moment! It is a crime, -a most unnatural crime, to strike a woman, a mother, in the presence of -her children. It seemed to me that the sun ought to hide his face.... I -felt sick to death. - -And yet there was peace in my soul, like the calm after a storm, a -satisfaction such as is only derived from duty done. I regretted my -action, but I felt no remorse. My deed had been as inevitable as cause -and effect. - -In the evening I saw her walking in the moonlit garden. I joined her; -I kissed her. She did not object; she burst into tears. We walked for -a few minutes, then she accompanied me to my room and stayed with me -until midnight. - -How strange is life! In the afternoon I had struck her. At night she -held me in her arms and kissed me. - -What an extraordinary woman she was, to kiss her executioner with -willing lips! - -Why had I not known it before? If I had struck her ten years ago I -should now have been the happiest of husbands. - -Remember this, my brothers, if ever you are deceived by a woman! - -But she had no intention of foregoing her revenge. A few days after -this incident she came into my room, began telling me a long, rambling -story, and after endless digressions gave me to understand that she had -once, only once, been violated; it had happened, she said, while on her -theatrical tour in Finland. - -It was true, then! - -She implored me not to think that it had happened more than once; -not to suspect her of having had a lover. That meant several times, -several lovers. - -"Then it is true that you have deceived me, and in order to deceive -the world, too, you have invented the myth of my insanity. To hide -your crime more completely you meant to torture me to death. You are a -criminal. I have no longer any doubt of it. I shall divorce you!" - -She threw herself on her knees, weeping bitterly, and asking me to -forgive her. - -"I'll forgive you; nevertheless our marriage must be annulled." - - * * * * * - -On the following day she was very quiet; on the second day she had -regained her former self-possession; on the third she behaved in every -respect like an innocent woman. - -Since she had confessed herself, she was more than innocent; she was a -martyr who treated me with insulting condescension. - -She did not realise the consequences of a crime such as she had -committed, and therefore she did not understand my dilemma. If I -continued to live with her, I became a public laughing-stock; on the -other hand, to leave her spelled disaster also; my life was ruined. - -Ten years of martyrdom to be paid for with a few blows and a day of -tears. Was it fair? - -For the last time I left my home, secretly, for I had not the heart to -say good-bye to the children. - -On a beautiful Sunday afternoon I went on board a steamer bound for -Constance. I had decided to visit my friends in France, and there to -write the story of this woman, the true representative of the age of -the unsexed. - -At the last moment Marie appeared on the landing-stage, tear-stained, -excited, feverish, yet pretty enough to turn the head of any man. But -I remained cold, callous, silent, and received her treacherous kiss -without returning it. - -"Say at least that we are parting friends!" - -"Enemies for the short time which remains for me on earth!" - -We parted. - -The steamer started. I watched her walking along the quay, trying to -draw me back with the magic of her eyes which had held me under their -spell for so many years. She came and went like a forsaken little dog. -I waited for the moment when she would jump into the water; I should -jump after her, and we should drown together. But she turned away and -disappeared in a little side-street, leaving me with a last impression -of her bewitching figure, her little feet, which I had allowed to -trample on me for ten years without a murmur. Only in my writings -perhaps I had occasionally given vent to my feelings, but even there I -had always tried to mislead the reader by concealing her real crimes. - -To steel my heart against grief and regret, I went at once into the -saloon. I sat down to dinner, but an aching lump in my throat compelled -me to rise, and I climbed again on deck. - -I watched the green hill gliding past, and thought of the little white -cottage with the green shutters which crowned it. My children lived -there, but the home was desolate, they were without protection, without -means.... An icy pang shot through my heart. - -I was like the cocoon of the silkworm when the great steam-engine; -slowly reels off the shining thread. At every stroke of the piston I -grew thinner, and as the thread lengthened the cold which chilled me -increased. - -I was like an embryo prematurely detached from the umbilical cord. What -a complete and living organism is the family! I had thought so at that -first divorce, from which I had recoiled conscience-stricken. But she, -the adulteress, the murderess, had remained unmoved. - -At Constance I caught the train for Basle. What a wretched Sunday -afternoon! - -I prayed to God, if God there was, to preserve even my bitterest foes -from such agony. - -At Basle I was overwhelmed with an irresistible desire to revisit all -those places in Switzerland where we had stayed together, to gladden my -sad heart with memories of happy hours spent with her and the children. - -I stayed for a week in Geneva and some days at Ouchy, hunted by my -misery from hotel to hotel, without peace or rest, like a lost soul, -like the wandering Jew. I spent my nights in tears, haunted by the -little figures of my beloved children; I visited the places they had -visited; I fed "their" seagulls on the Lake of Geneva, a poor, restless -ghost, a miserable phantom. - -Every morning I expected a letter from Marie, but no letter came. She -was too clever to furnish her opponent with written evidence. I wrote -to her several times a day, love-letters, forgiving her for all her -crimes--but I never posted them. - -Doubtless, my judges, if I had been destined to end my days in a -lunatic asylum, my fate would have come upon me in those hours of -keenest agony and bitterest sorrow. - -My power of endurance was exhausted; I wondered whether Marie's -confession had not been a ruse, so as to get rid of me and begin life -all over again with her unknown lover, or, perhaps, to live with her -Danish friend. I saw my children in the hands of a "stepfather" or the -clutches of a "stepmother"; Marie would be quite rich with the proceeds -of my collected works; she would perhaps write the story of my life as -seen through the eyes of the unnatural woman who had come between us. -The instinct of self-preservation stirred within me; I conceived a -cunning plan. The separation from my family paralysed me mentally; I -decided to return to them and stay with them until I had written the -story of Marie's crimes. In this way she would become the unconscious -tool of my revenge, which I could throw away when I had no further use -for it. - -With this object in view I sent her a telegram, business-like, free -from all sentimentality; I informed her that my petition for a divorce -had been refused; pretended that I required a power of attorney from -her, and suggested an interview at Romanshorn, on this side of the Lake -of Constance. - - * * * * * - -I despatched the telegram with a sense of relief. On the following -day I took the train and in due time arrived at the appointed place. -The week of suffering was a thing of the past; my heart was beating -normally, my eyes shone with added lustre; I drew a deep breath at the -sight of the hills on the opposite shore, where my children lived. The -steamer approached the landing stage; my eyes searched for Marie. - -Presently I caught sight of her on the deck, her face woe-begone, ten -years older. The sight of her, suddenly grown old, wrung my heart. She -walked with dragging footsteps, her eyelids were red with weeping, her -cheeks hollow and drooping. - -At that moment all feeling of hatred and disgust was swamped by pity. I -felt a strong temptation to take her into my arms, but I pulled myself -together, drew myself up and assumed the devil-may-care expression of a -young blood who had come to a tryst. When I looked at her more closely -I discovered in her a strange resemblance to her Danish friend; the -likeness was really extraordinary; she had the same expression, the -same pose, the same gestures, the same way of wearing her hair. Had -she played me this last trick? Had she come to me straight from her -"friend"? - -Warned by these details, I recapitulated the part I meant to play. -While I accompanied her to the hotel she was depressed and ill at ease, -but she kept her self-possession. She questioned me very intelligently -on the projected divorce proceedings, and when she found that I -exhibited no trace of grief or emotion, she dropped her woe-begone -aspect and began to treat me, as far as she dared, with a certain -condescension. - -During the interview she reminded me so much of her friend that I was -tempted to ask for news of the lady. I was especially struck by a -very tragic pose, a favourite one of her friend's, a pose which was -accompanied by a certain gesture of the hand which rested on the table -... ugh! - -I rang for wine. She drank greedily and became sentimental. - -I took the opportunity to ask after the little ones. She burst into -tears; she said that she had suffered greatly during the past week; -from morning till night the children had worried her with questions -about their father; she did not see how they could get on without me. - -All at once she noticed the absence of my wedding-ring; she became -agitated. - -"Your wedding-ring?" she gasped breathlessly. - -"I sold it in Geneva. There's no need to ask what I did with the money." - -She grew pale. - -"Then we are quits. Shall we make a fresh start?" - -"Is that what you call fair play? You committed an act fraught with -tragic consequences for the whole family, for through it I am compelled -to doubt the legitimacy of my children. You are guilty of having -tampered with the lineage of a family. You have dishonoured four -people: your three children of doubtful paternity and your husband, -whom your infidelity has made a public laughing-stock. What, on the -other hand, are the consequences of my act?" - -She wept. I remained firm. I said that the divorce proceedings must go -on, that I should adopt the children--in the meantime she could remain -in my house, if she liked. Would it not be the free life she had always -been dreaming of? She had always cursed matrimony. - -She reflected for a moment. My proposal did not please her. - -"I remember you saying you would like the position of a governess in -the house of a widower. Here's the widower for you!" - -"Give me time.... We shall see.... But in the meantime do you intend to -live with us?" - -"If you ask me to." - -"We are waiting for you." - -And for the sixth time I returned to my family, but this time firmly -resolved to use the remaining weeks to finish my story.... - - - - -EPILOGUE - - -Seated at my writing-table, pen in hand, I fainted; a feverish attack -prostrated me. This very inopportune attack frightened me, for I had -not been seriously ill for fifteen years. It was not fear of death, -oh no. Death held no terrors for me; but I was thirty-nine years old -and at the end of a turbulent career, my last word still unsaid, the -promises of my youth only partly fulfilled, pregnant with plans for the -future. This sudden cutting of the knot was far from pleasing me. For -the last four years I had lived with my family in half-voluntary exile; -I was at the end of my resources, and had settled down in a small town -in Bavaria; I had come into conflict with the law, for one of my books -had been confiscated, and I had been banished from my own country. I -had but one desire left when I was thrown on my sick-bed--the desire -for revenge. - -A struggle arose within me; I had not sufficient strength left in me -to call for help. The fever shook me as one shakes a feather bed; it -seized me by the throat and throttled me; it put its foot on my breast -and scorched my brain, so that my eyes started from their sockets. I -was alone with Death, who had crept in by stealth and was attacking me. - -But I was unwilling to die; I resisted, and an obstinate fight began. -The tension of my nerves relaxed, the blood coursed through my veins. -My brain twitched like a polypus that has been thrown into vinegar. But -before loner I realised that I must succumb in this dance of death. I -relinquished my hold, fell backwards and submitted to the fatal embrace -of the dread monster. - -Immediately an indescribable calm came over me, a voluptuous weakness -composed my limbs, and perfect peace soothed body and soul, which had -lacked all wholesome recreation during so many years of toil. - -I fervently desired that it really should be the end. Slowly all will -to live ebbed away. I ceased to observe, to feel, to think. I became -unconscious, and a delicious sensation of blankness filled the void -created by the cessation of the racking pain, the tormenting thoughts, -the secret terrors. - -When I regained consciousness I found my wife sitting by my bedside and -gazing at me with terrified eyes. - -"What is the matter with you dear?" she said. - -"Nothing; I am ill," I replied. "And there are times when illness is -welcome." - -"What do you mean? You are jesting!" - -"No, it is the end at last ... anyhow, I hope it is." - -"Heaven forbid that you should leave us in these straits!" she -exclaimed. "What is to become of us in a strange country, without -friends, without means?" - -"There is my life insurance," I said, attempting to console her. "I -know it isn't much, but it is enough to take you home." - -She had not thought of this, and she looked a little reassured as she -continued-- - -"But you cannot lie here like this! I shall send for a doctor." - -"No, I won't have a doctor!" - -"Why not?" - -"Because--I won't!" - -The glances which we exchanged spoke volumes. - -"I want to die," I said, anxious to put an end to our conversation. "I -am sick of life; the past is a tangled skein which I cannot unravel. -It is time that my eyes closed for ever--that the curtain fell!" - -She remained unmoved. - -"Your old suspicion ... is it still alive, then?" she asked. - -"Yes, still alive. Drive away the spectre, you alone can do it." - -She assumed her favourite part of little mother, and gently laid her -soft hand on my burning forehead. - -"Does that relieve you?" - -"Yes...." - -It was a fact. The mere touch of that light hand which rested so -heavily on my life exorcised the evil spirit, the secret trouble which -would not let me rest. - -Another and more violent attack of fever followed. My wife rose to make -me some elder tea. - -Left by myself I sat up in bed and looked out through the window -opposite. It was a large window in the shape of a triptychon, framed by -wild vine; I saw a part of the landscape surrounded by green leaves; -in the fore-ground the beautiful scarlet fruit of a quince tree rocked -gently among the dark green foliage; apple trees, a little further off, -studded the green grass; still further away the steeple of a small -church rose into the radiant air, behind it a blue spot, the Lake of -Constance, was visible, and far in the background the Tyrol Alps. - -We were in the height of summer, and, illuminated by the slanting rays -of the afternoon sun, the whole scene formed a charming picture. - -From below rose the twittering of the starlings which sat on the -vine-props in the vineyards, the chirping of the young chickens, the -strident note of the crickets, the tinkling cowbells, clear as crystal. -The loud laughter of my children, the directing voice of my wife, who -was talking to the gardener's wife about my illness, mingled with -these gay sounds of country life. - -And as I gazed and listened life seemed good to me, death to be -shunned. I had too many duties to perform, too many debts to pay. -My conscience tortured me, I felt an overpowering need to confess -myself, to ask all men's forgiveness for the wrongs I had committed, to -humiliate myself before some one. I felt guilty, stricken with remorse, -I did not know for what secret crime; I was burning with the desire to -relieve my conscience by a full confession of my fancied culpability. - -During this attack of weakness, the result of a sort of innate -despondency, my wife returned carrying a cup in her hand; alluding to -a slight attack of persecutional mania from which I had once suffered, -she tasted the contents before offering it to me. - -"You may drink without fear," she said smilingly, "it contains no -poison." - -I felt ashamed. I did not know what to say. And to make amends for my -suspicion I emptied the cup at one draught. - -The somniferous elder tea, the fragrance of which recalled in me -reminiscences of my own country where the mystic shrub is held sacred -by the people, made me feel so sentimental that I there and then gave -expression to my remorse. - -"Listen to me carefully," I said, "for I believe that my days -are numbered. I confess that I have always lived a life of utter -selfishness. I have sacrificed your theatrical career to my literary -ambition.... I will tell you everything now ... only forgive me...." - -She tried to calm me, but I interrupted her and continued-- - -"In compliance with your wishes we married under the dotal system. In -spite of it, however, I have wasted your dowry to cover sums which I -had recklessly guaranteed. My greatest grief now is the fact that you -cannot touch the proceeds of my works. Send for a notary at once, so -that I can settle on you all my nominal or real property. ... Above -everything, promise that you will return to the stage which you gave up -to please me." - -She refused to listen any further, treated my confession as a joke, -advised me to go to sleep and rest, and assured me that everything -would come right, and that I was not on the point of death. - -I seized her hand, exhausted. I begged her to stay with me until I had -fallen asleep. Grasping her little hand more firmly, I again implored -her to forgive me for all the wrong I had done her. A delicious -drowsiness stole over me and closed my tired eyelids. Under the -radiations of her shining eyes, which expressed infinite tenderness, I -felt as if I were melting away as ice melts in the rays of the sun. Her -cool lips, touching my forehead, seemed to press a seal on it, and I -was plunged into the depths of ineffable bliss. - - * * * * * - -It was broad daylight when I awoke from my stupor. The rays of the -sun fell on a Utopian landscape. To judge from the matutinal sounds -which rose from below, it must have been above five o'clock. I had -slept soundly during the whole night without dreaming or waking up. -On the little table by my bedside stood the cup which had contained -the elder-tea; the chair on which my wife had been sitting when I fell -asleep was still in its place. I was covered with her cloak; the soft -hairs of the fox skins with which it was lined tickled my chin. - -My brain felt as refreshed and rested as if I had slept for the -first time in ten years. I collected my thoughts, which had been -rushing hither and thither in wild disorder, and with this powerful, -well-drilled and disciplined army I prepared to meet those attacks of -morbid remorse which frequently accompany physical weakness. - -Looming large, filling my mind completely, were the two ugly blots -which, under guise of a confession, I had revealed to my wife on the -previous day; the two dark blots which had spoiled my life for so many -years. - -I resolved to re-examine them at once, to dissect those two "facts" -which up to now I had allowed to pass unchallenged, for I had a vague -presentiment that they were unsound. - -"Let me see," I said to myself, "what have I done that I should look -upon myself as a selfish coward, who has sacrificed the artistic career -of his wife to his ambition? Let me see what really happened...." - -At the time of our betrothal she was playing very small parts. Her -position in the artistic world had sunk to a very modest one, once -her want of talent, character and originality had made her second -appearance in public a fiasco. She lacked all the essentials which go -to make a successful actress. On the day before our wedding she was -playing the part of a society woman in a very commonplace play; she had -only a dozen words to speak. - -For how many tears, how much misery was our marriage made responsible! -It robbed the actress of all charm, and yet she had been so fascinating -as Baroness, divorced from her husband that she might devote her life -entirely to art. - -It was true, I was to blame for this deterioration, which, after two -years' weeping over steadily shrinking parts, resulted in her leaving -the stage. - -At the very moment when her engagement came to an end I had a success, -an undoubted success, as a novelist. I had already conquered the stage -with small, unimportant plays. Now I was burning to write a play which -would create a sensation; it should be one of those spectacular plays -which delight audiences; my purpose, of course, was to help my wife to -a re-engagement. It was a repugnant task, for one of my most cherished -dreams was the reform of the drama. In writing my new play I sacrificed -my literary faith. But I meant to force my wife on a hostile public, -throw her at their heads with all the means in my power, move heaven -and earth to make her popular. All my efforts were in vain. The public -would have none of the divorced wife who had married a second time; the -manager hastened to cancel a contract which brought him no advantage. - -"Well, was that my fault?" I asked myself, voluptuously stretching my -limbs, well satisfied with the result of this first self-examination. -Was there a greater blessing than a good conscience? - -With a lighter heart I continued my musing-- - -A miserable year passed, was wept away, despite the happiness it -brought us in the birth of a little girl. - -And all of a sudden my wife had another attack of stage mania, more -violent than the previous one. We besieged the agencies, stormed the -managerial offices, advertised ourselves hugely--but everywhere we -failed, all doors were closed to us, everybody threw cold water on our -schemes. - -Disillusioned by the failure of my drama, and on the point of making -a name in science, I had sworn never again to write a play round an -actress, more especially as this sort of work had no attraction for -me. In addition, I was little disposed to break up our home merely to -satisfy a passing whim of my wife's, and therefore I resigned myself to -bearing my share of the incurable sorrow. - -But after a time I found the task beyond my strength. I made use of my -connections with a theatre in Finland, and, thanks to my efforts, my -wife was engaged for a number of performances. - -I had made a rod for my own back. For a whole month I was widower, -bachelor, head of the family, housekeeper. In compensation my wife, -on her return, brought home with her two large packing-cases full of -wreaths and bouquets. - -But she was so happy, so young and so charming, that I took at once -the necessary steps to secure a fresh engagement for her. I knew that -by doing this I was running the risk of having to leave my country, -my friends, my position, my publisher--and for what? For a woman's -whim.... But let that pass! Either a man is in love or he isn't.... - -Fortunately for me, my correspondent had no room in his company for an -actress without a repertoire. - -Was that my fault? At the thought of it I literally rolled over -in my bed with pleasure. What a good thing an occasional little -self-examination is! It unburdens the heart ... it rejuvenated me. - -But to proceed. Children were born to us at short intervals. -One--two--three. But again and again her yearning for the stage -returned. One ought to persevere! A new theatre was being opened. Why -not offer the manager a new play with a good part for the leading -actress, a sensational play, dealing with the "woman question" which -loomed so large at the time? - -No sooner thought than done. For, as I have already said, either a man -is in love, or he isn't. - -The play was produced. It contained a splendid part for the leading -actress, magnificent dresses (of course), a cradle, much moonshine, a -villain; an abject husband in love with his wife (myself), a wife about -to become a mother (a stage novelty), the interior of a convent--and so -on. - -The actress had an extraordinary success, but from the literary point -of view the play was a failure, an awful failure ... alas! - -She was saved. I was lost, ruined. But in spite of everything, in -spite of the supper which we gave to the manager at a hundred crowns -per head; in spite of a fine of fifty crowns which we had to pay for -illegal cheering, late at night before the agent's office--in spite -of all our efforts, no engagement was offered to her. It was not my -fault. I was blameless in the matter. I was the martyr, the victim. -Nevertheless, in the eyes of her sex I henceforth was a ruffian who -had ruined his wife's career. For years I had suffered remorse on this -account, remorse so bitter that it poisoned my days and robbed my -nights of peace. - -How often had the reproach been publicly flung into my face! It was -always I who was guilty!... That things came about in quite a different -way, who cared? ... One career had been ruined, that I admit ... but -which, and by whom? - -A horrible thought came into my mind; the idea that posterity might -blame me for this ruined career seemed to me no laughing matter, for -I was defenceless and without a friend capable of stating the facts -undisguised and unmisrepresented. - - * * * * * - -There remained the spending of her dowry. - -I had once been made the subject of a paragraph entitled: "A squanderer -of his wife's fortune." I also, on another occasion, had been charged -with living on my wife's income, a charge which had made me put six -cartridges into my revolver. - -Let us examine this charge also, since an investigation has become -desirable, and after due examination let us pronounce sentence. - -My wife's dowry consisted of ten thousand crowns in doubtful shares; -I had raised a mortgage on these shares with a bank of mortgages, -amounting to fifty per cent of their face value. Like a bolt from the -blue the general smash came. The shares were so much waste-paper, for -we had omitted to sell them at the right moment. I was consequently -compelled to pay the full amount of my mortgage: fifty per cent of -the face value. Later on my wife received twenty-five per cent of her -claim, this being the proportion which the creditors received after the -bank's failure. - -How much did I squander? - -Not one penny, in my opinion. The holder of the shares received the -actual value of her unsaleable investments which my personal guarantee -had increased by twenty-five per cent. - -Truly I was as innocent in this connection as in the other. - -And the anguish, the despair which had more than once driven me to -the verge of suicide! The suspicion, the old distrust, the cruel -doubts, began to torture me afresh. The thought that I nearly died -as a scoundrel almost drove me mad. Worn out with care, overwhelmed -with work, I had never had time to pay much attention to the dark -innuendoes, the veiled allusions. And while I, completely absorbed in -my daily toil, lived unsuspectingly from day to day, slanderous rumours -had been started, which became more and more insistent and definite, -although they had no other foundation than the talk of the envious -and the idle gossip of the cafes. And I, fool that I was, believed -everybody, doubted no one but myself. Ah!... - -Was I really never insane, never ill, no degenerate? Was I merely -fooled by a trickster whom I worshipped, whose little embroidery -scissors had cut off Samson's locks when he laid his weary head on -the pillow, worn out by heavy toil, exhausted by care and anxiety on -her account and the children's? Trustful, unsuspicious, I had lost my -honour, my manhood, the will to live, my intellect, my five senses, -and alas! much more even, in this ten years' sleep in the arms of the -sorceress. - -Was it possible--the thought filled me with shame--that a crime had -been committed in these fogs in which I had lived for years like a -phantom? An unconscious little crime, caused by a vague desire for -power, by a woman's secret wish to get the better of the man in the -duel called matrimony? - -Doubtless I had been a fool! Seduced by a married woman; compelled to -marry her to save her honour and her theatrical career; married under -the dotal system and the condition that each should contribute half of -the expenses, I was ruined after ten years, plundered, for I had borne -the financial burden on my own shoulders entirely. - -At this very moment when my wife denounced me as a spendthrift, -incapable of providing the necessities of life; when she represented -me as the squanderer of her so-called fortune; at this very moment she -owed me forty thousand crowns, her share of the expenses, according to -the verbal agreement made on our wedding day. - -She was my debtor! - -Determined to settle all accounts once and for ever, I jumped out of -bed like a man who has dreamed that he is paralysed, and on awakening -flings away the crutches with which he had walked in his dream. I -dressed quickly and ran down-stairs to confront my wife. - -Through the half-open door my enraptured gaze met a charming spectacle. - -She lay, stretched out at full length, on her tumbled bed, her lovely -little head buried in the pillow over which the flood of her golden -hair waved and curled; her transparent nightgown had slipped off -her shoulders, and her virginal bosom gleamed white under the lace -insertion; the soft, red-and-white striped coverlet betrayed the -swelling curves of her graceful, fragile body, leaving her bare feet -uncovered--tiny arched feet with rosy toes and transparent flawless -nails--a genuine work of art, perfect, fashioned in flesh after the -model of an antique marble statue: and this was my wife. - -Light-hearted and smiling, with an expression of chaste motherliness, -she watched her three little ones as they were climbing and tumbling -about among the flowered down pillows, as if on a heap of newly mown -flowers. - -The delightful spectacle softened me. But a whispering doubt in my -heart warned me: "Beware of the she-panther playing with her cubs!" - -Disarmed by the majesty of motherhood, I entered her room with -uncertain steps, timid as a schoolboy. - -"Ah! You are up already, my dear," she greeted me, surprised, but not -as pleased as one might have expected. - -I stammered a confused reply, smothered by the children, who had -climbed on my back when I stooped to kiss their mother. - -Was it possible? Could she really be a criminal? I pondered the -question as I went away, subdued by her chaste beauty, the candid smile -of those lips which could surely never have been tainted by a lie. No, -a thousand times no!... - -I stole away, convinced of the contrary. - -And yet doubt remained, doubt of everything: of my wife's constancy, -my children's legitimate birth, my sanity; doubt which persecuted me, -relentlessly and unremittingly. - -It was time to make an end, to arrest the flood of sterile thoughts. If -only I could have absolute certainty! A crime had been committed in -secret, or else I was mad! I must know the truth! - -To be a deceived husband! What did I care, as long as I knew it! I -should be the first to laugh at it. Was there a single man in the world -who could be absolutely certain that he was his wife's only lover?... - -When I thought of the friends of my youth, now married, I could not -pick out one who was not, to some extent, hoodwinked. Lucky men whom no -doubts tortured! It was silly to be small-minded. Whether one is the -only one, or whether one has a rival, what does it matter? The ridicule -lies in the fact of not knowing it; the main thing is to know all about -it. - -Yet if a man were married for a hundred years he would still know -nothing of the true nature of his wife. However deep his knowledge of -humanity, of the whole cosmos, he would never fathom the woman whose -life is bound up with his own life. For this reason the story of poor -Monsieur Bovary is such pleasant reading for all happy husbands.... - -But as far as I was concerned I wanted the truth. I must have it. -For the sake of revenge? What folly! Revenge on whom? On my favoured -rivals? They did but make use of their prerogative as males! On my -wife? Did I not say one ought not to be small-minded? And to hurt the -mother of my darlings? How could I do it? - -But I wanted to know; I wanted to know everything. I determined to -examine my life, carefully, tactfully, scientifically; to make use of -all the resources of psychology: suggestion, thought-reading, mental -torture--none should be neglected; I determined to probe the deepest -depths, not even despising the well-worn, old-fashioned means of -burglary, theft, interception of letters, forged signatures.... - -I determined to make the most searching investigations.... Was that -monomania, the paroxysm of rage of a lunatic? It is not for me to say. - -I appeal to the reader for a verdict after a careful study of my -confession. Perhaps he will find in it elements of the physiology -of love, some light on the pathology of the soul, or even a strange -fragment of the philosophy of crime. - -_September_ 1887--_March_ 1888. - - - * * * * * - - -CONCLUDING REMARKS OF THE AUTHOR - - -This is a terrible book, I fully admit it, and I regret that I ever -wrote it. - -How did I come to write it? - -I had to wash my corpse before it was laid in its coffin. - -Four years ago, if I remember rightly, a friend of mine, a writer, a -declared enemy of the indiscretions--of others--said to me one day when -talking about my first marriage-- - -"Do you know, it would make excellent copy for the sort of novel which -I should like to write." - -Certain of my friend's applause, I decided there and then to write it -myself. - -"Don't be angry with me, dear old fellow, that I, as the original -owner, make use of my property." - -I also remember, it is twelve years ago now, a remark my future -mother-in-law made to me one evening when I was watching her daughter -carrying on a flirtation with a group of young men-- - -"Wouldn't she make a splendid heroine for a novel?" - -"With what title?" - -"A passionate woman!" - -Happy mother, who died in the nick of time, I have carried out your -suggestion. The novel has been written. I can die in peace. - - MS. 1888. - -The other day I met again the hero of this novel. I upbraided him for -having induced me to publish the story of his first marriage. He is -married again, father of a sweet little girl, and looks ten years -younger. - -"Dear old boy," he said in reply to my reproaches, "the sympathy -which everybody felt for the heroine of the novel, when it was first -published, absolves me. You! may gauge from this fact the great depth -of the love I bore her, for not only did it survive so much brutality, -but it communicated itself even to the reader. This, however, has -not prevented a French academician from denouncing my constancy as -weakness, my steadfast loyalty to my family, including my children, -baseness, in view of my wife's brutality, inconstancy and dishonesty. -I wonder whether this man would consider an insignificant Caserio -superior to an eminent Carnot, simply because the former stabbed the -latter? - -"Moreover, this book, which you had wanted to write yourself, is only -the woof of a fabric the richness of which is known only to those of my -countrymen who have followed my literary career as it unfolded itself -side by side with the sorrows of my heart, without suffering to be -influenced. I could have left the battlefield. I remained steadfastly -at my post. I fought against the enemy at home, day and night. Was this -not courage? - -"The 'poor, defenceless woman' was backed by the four Scandinavian -kingdoms, where she counted nothing but allies in her war against a -man who was sick, solitary, poor, and threatened with confinement in a -lunatic asylum because his intellect rebelled against the deification -of woman, this penultimate superstition of the free-thinkers. - -"The dear souls who conceal their revengeful thoughts under the term -'divine justice' have condemned my 'Confession' in the name of their -Nemesis divina, bringing spurious evidence for their assertion that -I had deceived the husband of Marie's first marriage. Let them read -the scene where the Baron throws his wife into my arms, when I stood -before him with clean hands and confessed to him my guiltless love for -the wife he neglected. Let them remember the important fact that I took -upon my young shoulders the whole burden of our fault, to save his -position in the army and the future of his little girl. Let them then -say whether it is just to punish an act of self-sacrifice by an act of -brutal revenge. - -"One must be young and foolish to act as I have acted, I admit that. -But it will not happen again--never again.... But ... enough of it! And -then ... no ... good-bye!" - -He walked away quickly, leaving me under the spell of his perfect -honesty. - -I never again regretted having published the story of this idealist, -who has now disappeared from literature and the world. But I abandoned -my former intention to write "The Confession of a Foolish Woman," -because, after all, it goes too much against common-sense to allow a -criminal to give evidence against her victim. - - French Original Edition, 1894. - -It was the outspoken account of his first marriage, written in -self-defence and as a last testament, for he intended to take his -life as soon as the book was finished. For five years the sealed -manuscript, which was not meant for publication, was in the safe -keeping of a relative. Only in the spring of 1893, under the pressure -of circumstances and after public opinion and the press had attacked -him in the most unjust manner, did he sell the book to a publisher. - - "Separated," 1902. - -THE END - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Confession of a Fool, by August Strindberg - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE CONFESSION OF A FOOL *** - -***** This file should be named 44106.txt or 44106.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/1/0/44106/ - -Produced by Marc D'Hooghe at http://www.freeliterature.org -(Scans generously made available by the Internet Archive.) - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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