diff options
Diffstat (limited to 'old/44201.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | old/44201.txt | 4018 |
1 files changed, 4018 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/old/44201.txt b/old/44201.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b224f43 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44201.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4018 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Military Adventures of Johnny Newcome, by +David Roberts + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Military Adventures of Johnny Newcome + With an Account of his Campaign on the Peninsula and in Pall Mall + +Author: David Roberts + +Illustrator: T. Rowlandson + +Release Date: November 17, 2013 [EBook #44201] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MILITARY ADVENTURES OF JOHNNY NEWCOME *** + + + + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Marie Bartolo and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +[Transcriber's Note: Italic text is denoted by _underscores_, +small-capped text by +plus signs+, and upright text within italics +by =equal signs=.] + + + + +THE MILITARY ADVENTURES OF JOHNNY NEWCOME + + + 'He jests at Scars, who never felt a Wound' + --+Shakespeare+ + + +[Illustration: _Starting to join his Regiment._] + + + + + THE + MILITARY ADVENTURES + OF JOHNNY NEWCOME + + WITH AN ACCOUNT OF HIS CAMPAIGN + ON THE PENINSULA AND IN PALL MALL + AND NOTES + + + BY AN OFFICER + + + WITH FIFTEEN COLOURED SKETCHES + BY T. ROWLANDSON + + + A NEW EDITION + + + METHUEN AND CO. + LONDON + 1904 + + + + +NOTE + + +This Issue is founded on the original Edition printed for Patrick Martin +in the year 1816. + + + + +DEDICATION + +TO THE SUBALTERNS OF THE BRITISH ARMY + + + _Gentlemen,_ + _I shall, I trust, be acquitted of any servile view, when, in + dedicating this humble Essay to the Subalterns of the British Army, + I adopt the only means in my power of shewing how much I honour and + admire them._ + _I have the honour to be, + Gentlemen, + With the greatest respect, + Your most obedient Servant,_ + + _+The Author+._ + + + + +LIST OF THE PLATES + + + Starting to join his Regiment _To face the Title_ + + Johnny Newcome going to lay in Stock _To face p._ 36 + + Getting into his Billet " 41 + + Taking his Breakfast " 49 + + Introduced to his Colonel " 62 + + Smells powder for the first time " 76 + + Half Rations " 78 + + Johnny writes an account of the Action + to his Mother, which afterwards + appears in the _Star_ " 79 + + Learning to Smoke and drink Grog " 80 + + Poor Johnny on the sick List " 83 + + Going Sick to the Rear " 85 + + Johnny safe returned to his Mama " 94 + + Dash'd with his Suite for Santarem that + Night " 152 + + Johnny on Duty with his Chief " 158 + + Presenting the Trophies " 236 + + + + +THE MILITARY ADVENTURES OF JOHNNY NEWCOME + + + On Ludgate Hill, a traveller may see + John _Newcome_, Grocer, No. Fifty-three; + Now, sober reader, don't turn up your nose, + But profit by the truths I shall disclose. + The _Newcome_ family, you may believe, + Straitways descended from good Madam Eve; + Adam, a _Newcome_, when in Paradise, + The wily serpent did Dame Eve entice + To touch forbidden fruit; and to his shame, + Poor Adam _Newcome_ slily did the same: + For this, from Paradise they soon were hurl'd, + And thus Cain _Newcome_ came into the World. + 'Twould be an endless job were I to trace + All the descendants of the _Newcome_ race: + Let it suffice that I curtail my rhymes, + To scenes connected with the present Times. + Widely extended is the _Newcome_ Name, + Some scoff'd for Folly, some renown'd for Fame; + Did we in Foreign Courts but look askance, + We find they've play'd the very Devil in France. + Each in his turn assum'd the Sovereign Sway, + 'Till Boney _Newcome_ drove them all away; + Mighty in deeds, his Mighty power evinces, + And makes his tribes of _Newcomes_ Kings and Princes. + Louis to Holland went with State Regalia, + And silly Jerome king'd it at Westphalia: + Poor foolish Joe went slily into Spain, + But Paddy _Newcome_ whipt him out again. + Ah! Honey, that's a _Newcome_, if you please, + Makes Boney tremble in his Thuilleries. + His fame--but, let me onward with my story, + My humble rhymes would only mock his Glory. + In London _Newcomes_ every where are seen, + _Newcome's_ a Lord, a General, Knight or Dean-- + _Newcomes_, where'er you go, you're sure to meet, + The Park, the Playhouse, or St. James's Street. + Amongst our Quality, you'll find a few, + And Carlton House has got its _Newcome_ too. + At both the Universities you find 'em, + But in such numbers that they never mind 'em. + In all Professions, Lawyers, Fiddlers, Bards, + Lots in the Line, and many in the Guards. + This leads me to the subject of my story, + Tho' first I thought it right to lay before ye, + By way of preface, or of introduction, + Or, if you please, a smattering of instruction; + Go as you will, no matter when, or where, + You're sure to see a Johnny _Newcome_ there. + Now this same Grocer was a man of weight, + Eat turtle soup, and talked of Church and State,-- + For twenty years had bustled well through life, + Blest with one son by Doll his loving Wife: + The Youth, a lankey, awkward, shuffling Blade, + Bred by the old ones to pursue the Trade, + School'd by Mamma, who thought all learning stuff, + 'Young John will have the Cash, and that's enough.' + By Martial ardour fired, John scorn'd to stop + And retail sugar in his father's Shop! + In spite of Daddy's wrath, and Mother's tears, + Strutted an Ensign in the Volunteers; + But the good souls were quickly reconcil'd + In admiration of their darling Child. + Old Johnny seem'd afraid he'd be too rash, + But Mother doated on the Sword, and Sash. + Soon Johnny grew ambitious of renown, + And sigh'd to flourish in some Country Town; + In some Militia Corps, at distant Quarters, + Act the Lothario with the Wives and Daughters. + Money, or Interest, never-failing friends, + Soon did the job, and Johnny gain'd his ends. + Translated then to a Militia Beau, + Dear, lively Captain _Newcome_'s all the go! + Sports a gay Curricle and pair of Tits, + Damns smokey London, and the frowsy Cits; + With ardour talks of Marches, Camps, and Fight; + Such scenes as these would be his soul's delight. + At length, one day, his spirits flush'd with Wine, + Johnny resolved to go into the Line; + Writes to Mamma a coaxer to Petition + She'd make his Father buy him a Commission. + The doating Mother dwells with anxious pause, + Ere she could send her darling to the Wars. + But as she'd ne'er refused him what he wanted, + She paid the Cash, and his request was granted: + Soon now the Official letter made it known + That Ensign _Newcome_, Fourth or the King's Own, + Would on receipt immediately go, + And quick present himself at the Depot. + What thrilling tumults in his bosom came + To see amongst the Regulars his name! + So dash'd away in wondrous haste and pother, + To take a flying leave of Dad and Mother. + A soldier bold, now Johnny vaunts and vapours, + Anticipates his name in London papers. + 'From admiration we cannot refrain, + 'The gallant Ensign _Newcome_'s going to Spain; + 'To shew our gratitude we don't dissemble, + 'Heroes like him must make Massena tremble.' + Or, should a Battle ease him of his breath, + His Name's recorded in the list of Death; + The _Mortuum Caput_ then they thus would fill, + 'Died Ensign _Newcome_, late of Ludgate Hill-- + 'Of twenty wounds receiv'd in an attack, + 'All in his front, he scorn'd to turn his back. + 'This sad event will be a grievous blow, Sir, + 'To Johnny _Newcome_, Alderman and Grocer.'[1] + Young John was well aware to what extent + To purchase fame a golden guinea went; + At all the Shops where characters were sold, + He could be made a Hero for his gold; + A valiant Hero then at any rate, + Our John resolv'd to be or soon, or late. + An Order now arriv'd at the Depot, + 'That Ensign _Newcome_ should to Hilsea go.' + Altho' John relish'd not these hasty ways, + He bolted off to Hilsea in a chaise; + And then a Note was handed to our Spark, + 'That without loss of time he should embark.' + 'Upon my soul,' says John, 'this is no jest, + 'They won't allow a man a little rest.' + Boxes and trunks were cramm'd into a Boat, + And Johnny _Newcome_ found himself afloat. + John star'd with wonder when he got on Board, + To see himself surrounded by the Flood. + The rapid movements so confused his head, + He knew not what he did, nor what he said; + Had not his appetite, which never fail'd him, + With certain griping, knawing hints assail'd him: + For John to certain forms was true, and steady, + So eager ask'd when dinner would be ready? + 'Dinner[2] I'll warrant,' says a churlish Elf, + 'If you want dinner, pray provide yourself; + 'You'll get no dinner here, 'tis not the fashion, + 'We only find you Cabin, Berth, and Ration!' + 'Damme,' says John, 'is this your Transport way? + 'What starve a body?--rot me if I stay!' + John's resolution now began to shake; + Did he for this his happy home forsake? + A brother Sub seeing Johnny so distrest, + Said, 'Come, Sir, let us council for the best; + 'Money you have no doubt, and as 'tis fine + 'Let us together go on shore to dine-- + 'Buy what we want, and send it to the Ship, + 'Nor ask a favour of this Savage Rip.' + John liked the offer--shook him by the hand-- + Jump'd in the Boat, and off they made for Land; + Din'd, drank their Bottle, and in merry glee + Purchas'd their Stock, and went next day to Sea. + But now friend John, when tossing on the Ocean, + Felt his poor bowels in a strange commotion; + Grew serious, then grew sick, and hung his head, + Reach'd, grunted, groan'd, and stagger'd to his bed; + A prey to sorrow, sickness, and dejection, + Restless he lay, imbitter'd with reflection-- + Curs'd his own folly--had he but his will, + He'd sooner retail figs on Ludgate Hill. + Poor John thus lay, till by propitious blast, + The ready Anchor's in the Tagus cast. + Now motionless the Ship, the sickness flew, + His wondering eyes successive objects drew. + Saw the proud Tagus in smooth torrent Flow, + Greeting fair Lisbon, with its breast of Snow; + Saw Churches, Convents, o'er each other rise, + With stern devotion tow'ring to the Skies. + Our youthful Hero now we introduce, + Deck'd off in Uniform, and fiercely spruce, + With Hat of Wellington, stuck fore, and aft, + And crimson sash tied carelessly abaft. + Black Stock, Reg'mental Sword, and natty Spurs-- + Without the latter there's no Hero stirs. + Spurs[3] to a gallant youth are things of course, + To make folks fancy he has got a Horse; + But as in this, opinions may divide, + Yet all must think the gallant Youth can ride; + Thus gay equipt, his bosom proudly swelling, + Seeks the Town-Major's Office, or his Dwelling. + Now see him strutting through the sultry Streets, + Staring with all his eyes, at all he meets; + Bald-headed Friars, Ladies, hid in Veils, + Postboys with huge cock'd Hats, and monstrous Tails. + John thought they seem'd a motley group of quizzes, + With lankey jaws, black brows, and dingy phizzes. + Now reach'd the Office, in he boldly bounc'd, + And with erected front himself announc'd; + When a Staff-Officer, with a stately look, + A sort of frowning survey of him took: + 'Pray who are you?' was pompously demanded: + 'I'm Ensign _Newcome_, and from England landed.'[4] + 'To Belem go, where orders you'll receive; + 'Write down your Name, Sir, and then Lisbon leave.' + John bolted out, saying 'Damme what a Beast, + 'I reckon he's a General at least: + 'O rot this Soldier's life, the Devil's in it, + 'They will not let a body rest a minute; + 'I'm fairly sick of it, and so I'll tell 'em. + 'I say, my friend, is this the way to Belem?' + '_Senhor_,' with shoulders shrugged, _'no, no, intende_.'[5] + 'No, in ten day! if I go there,' says John, 'the Devil mend me.' + A British Soldier, who was near at hand + Said, 'Sir, our Lingo he don't understand: + ''Tis but three Miles, strait forward if you please, + 'There's no use axing them there Portuguese.' + John travell'd on--but soon he slack'd his pace, + The scorching Sun came full upon his face. + 'O d----n their Climate, here's a pretty rig,-- + 'Curse me if I'm not sweating like a Pig. + 'Could I but once get home, they soon should see, + 'The Devil might have all Portugal for me.' + Grumbling and Mopping, John at length contrives, + And at the Belem Barracks[6] he arrives. + But Johnny's spirit now was softened down, + He tremulously ask'd for Captain Brown; + Announc'd himself once more, and begg'd to know + What were his Orders? where was he to go? + The Commandant observing John was heated, + Mildly requested that 'he would be seated.' + John's spirits had been sinking in the wane, + But thus encouraged soon revived again. + 'Why really, Sir, this service in the Line, + 'At home we reckon to be monstrous fine; + 'But since I was Gazetted, I'll declare + 'A single moment I've not had to spare.' + The Captain smil'd to see poor John so sore, + And kindly said, 'You'll dine with me at four: + 'In the mean time, as things to you are new, + 'The Adjutant will tell you what to do. + 'Here, Orderly! step to the barrack-yard, + 'And say I wish to speak with Mr. Ward. + 'But cool yourself, and then your Billet seek; + 'I mean to keep you here at least a Week.' + John's heart was soft--thus taken by surprize, + He felt a sort of twinkling in his eyes; + He falter'd, stammer'd, felt himself distrest, + In vain his gratitude would have exprest; + When busy, bustling Ward attends his chief, + Broke up the conference, to John's relief. + Ward introduced, did Johnny kindly greet + (His was a heart we do not often meet); + Now arm in arm, they travell'd down the Stairs, + John found his spirits, and forgot his cares. + Tho' truly kind was Ward, yet be it known + He was himself a Sub in the King's Own. + A Billet[7] got, the Serjeant mark'd the Door, + They took a Boat, and brought the Trunks on Shore. + 'So now,' says Ward, 'I always work by rule, + 'The first thing you must purchase is a Mule; + 'And if you're flush of cash, why then, of course, + 'The next thing you must purchase is a Horse.' + 'A Servant have you got?' John answered, 'No.' + 'Well, well,' says Ward, 'there's one I think I know; + 'An honest fellow, who 'twixt you and me, + 'Is just the sort of Man, you will agree. + 'A D----n'd good Fellow, but I rather think, + 'He now, and then, will take a drop of drink; + 'But otherwise, good-humour'd, sharp, and civil, + 'John Bull will drink, but fight like any Devil;-- + 'Paddy, and Sawney Scot are just the same-- + 'Here, Serjeant, tell me what's the Fellow's name? + ''Tis Teague O'Connor, him I recommend, + 'He'll suit you famously, my worthy Friend.' + So Teague was then install'd Valet, and Groom, + And sent to set to rights his Master's Room. + As dinner-time approach'd, Ward bid him stay, + He'd home to dress, and take him on his way; + And John, rigg'd out in his Best Coat and Feather, + Waited for Ward, and off they went together. + The Commandant, with every wish to please, + Scouted those chilling forms that banish'd ease; + Tho' plac'd in Power, Dignity, and Trust, + Was kind to all, and to the Service Just. + The dinner o'er, the festive glass did flow, + John found himself a little queer or so; + Felt too, a sort of swimming in his head, + So stole away, resolved to go to bed. + When oft to write a Book we undertake, + If from the subject we a circuit make, + Some apt allusions may our minds engage, + Perchance for profit, to swell out our Page; + The little I may venture to intrude, + I introduce, by way of Interlude. + Your mercy then, good Critics, I entreat, + Mine is a sort of stuffing to my Meat; + Something of Foreign matter I must tell, + Or this my tale will not go down so well. + In every Country there are customs known, + Which they preserve exclusively their own.[8] + The Portuguese, by some odd whims infected, + Have Cloacina's temple quite rejected; + How they arrange _their Worship_, we shall know, + By the disaster that befel our Beau. + Our Hero gaily sporting out a Song, + And cutting angles as he glid along, + Some Damsel, heedlessly, from upper floor, + Pandora's incense on his head did pour. + Drench'd, buffeted, he had no time to think, + Saluted by a compound of such Stink; + Smother'd all over by the filthy souse, + He reach'd his heart up, ere he reach'd his House. + Teague, by his Master's nasty figure struck, + Dryly, 'He wished him joy of his good luck'; + Then seiz'd a Tub, and with assiduous care, + With water wash'd the ordure from his hair. + 'Here, prythee, ease me of my Hat and Coat; + 'O C----t! the filthy stuff's gone down my throat. + 'O curse them, and their beastly, D----n'd emulsions; + 'O Lord! my wretched guts are in convulsions! + 'Give me a Dram. 'Od rot the nasty Vixen, + 'She's ruined my best Coat, with her d----n'd Mixen.' + Now scour'd, and sweeten'd, Johnny whining said, + 'O Teague, I'm horrid sick, shew me to Bed.' + Teague spread the folded Blanket in a crack, + And for a Pillow, placed his own Knapsack. + Astonished John his Servant's conduct viewing, + In trem'lous accents ask'd what he was doing? + 'O, no great matter, Sir,' replies O'Connor, + 'I'm making up your Bed, an' plase your honour.' + 'A Bed for me!' says John, half chok'd with rage, + Says Teague, 'You'll soundly sleep there, I'll engage.' + Poor John, exhausted now, and sighing deep, + In sadness stretch'd himself, and groan'd to sleep. + Scarce had the Sun arose in all his glory, + Ere Johnny flew to Ward to tell his story. + 'Alas! dear Ward, 'tis fact what now I tell ye, + 'My wretched bones are jumbled to a jelly. + 'Then there's my best Reg'mentals all bedevil'd + 'By that D----n'd Stink-pot which at me was levell'd.' + Ward felt an interest in his friend's behalf, + But for his soul could not restrain a laugh. + So bid him Breakfast, and forget his cares, + And then he'd try to manage his affairs. + So said, so done. 'And now,' says honest Ward, + 'If I can't set you right, it is D----n'd hard: + 'At B----'s Hotel you will get ev'ry comfort, + ''Tis true he'll make you pay a lumping sum for't.' + 'O D----n the expence,' says John, ''tis all as well'; + So sent Teague, Trunks and all, to the Hotel. + With Teague, John went next day to buy his stud, + A Mule[9] for baggage, and a bit of Blood. + Now see him in the Fair, with anxious face, + Trying this Dobbin's metal, t' other's pace. + 'I say, you Whiskers, what do you ask for that? + 'A Horse you call it--much more like a Rat.' + '_Noventa Dollars, Quienza Moidores._' + 'How many Guineas, Mister?--what a bore he's!' + 'No _Senhor_, no Guineas, _no Senhor, no say_.' + 'Why how the Devil then am I to pay?' + But getting Dollars, he the Dobbin bought, + When something passing, his attention caught. + 'Here, stop that Fellow, Teague, don't let him pass; + 'I say, you Quiz, what ask you for that Ass?' + 'By Ja--s, Sir,' says Teague, 'you're in a wrong Key, + 'It is a thumping Mule, and not a Donkey.' + 'What!' retorts John, 'do you think I am a fool? + 'What! don't I know a Donkey from a Mule?' + But Teague was right, and so his master found, + And for the Beast, John offered Thirty Pound. + 'No,' says the Owner, 'but perhaps you will + 'Give Thirty-five, and I will take your Bill.' + 'My Bill,' says John, 'a match, Sir; it is done, + 'To touch old Daddy's pockets, no bad fun.' + The Beasts thus bought, by Teague were taken Home; + So having time, John thought he'd take a roam. + Strolling along, he saw the Portuguese, + Instead of hand, return a hugging squeeze.[10] + What beasts! thinks John. I'm very sure no true man + Would hug a Fellow, as we do loved Woman; + In my dear country, Women are delightful-- + None here I've seen as yet, but what are frightful. + Now Smith's Repository[11] came in view, + 'Ah! ah!' says John, 'I've something there to do.' + The stairs he quick ascended with a skip, + His eyes were first attracted by a Whip; + For John observ'd a Whip was most essential + To make a Martial Hero consequential. + For other matters he would then be jobbing, + A bridle, and a saddle for his Dobbin,-- + Canteens, Pack-saddle, and an oil-skin Cloak; + Smith wisely said, 'the Rain here is no joke'; + He then a small Portmanteau did propose: + 'That thing,' says John, 'won't hold the half my cloaths.' + 'True, Sir,' said Smith, 'but you'll have much to spare; + 'Of Forage you will get but half a share.' + Such are the Orders; you may not have seen 'em; + Two Subs are but allow'd one Mule between 'em. + 'Is that the case?' says John, 'then there's some danger, + 'That my poor Beasts must live upon the Manger.[12] + 'No matter, 'gad I'll keep them while I can, + 'And when I join, I then can change my plan.' + So every thing being purchased to his will, + He settled all by draft on Ludgate Hill. + This day to bus'ness he did give up solely, + And went to buy his Stock from Cavigole.[13] + 'Pray, Sir,' says John, 'do you sell Hams, and Cheese?' + '_Si Senhor_, I do sell all vat you please; + 'Biscuits, & Porter, Tongues, Hollands, & Brandy.' + John crack'd his Whip, and swore 'twas all the dandy. + 'Tea, Sugar, Salt, and vat of all most nice is, + 'Pickles and Soda, good Segars and Spices.' + 'Well said, my Hearty! now I'll tell you what, + 'Pack some of all, but in a separate lot.' + John now another Draft on Daddy drew, + Gave his address and off to Belem flew. + His time now pass'd with pleasure, and delight, + Loitering all day, and getting drunk at night. + In scenes like these, John found the week had past, + And to his Reg'ment he must go at last: + A Route receiv'd to travel off next Day, + And march to Sacavem without delay; + And thus by daily journies was to go, + Until he reach'd the Santarem Depot. + Next morn, on Dobbin, off friend Johnny started; + Teague led the Mule, and so they both departed. + John's legs from Dobbin nearly scrap'd the road, + The Mule close following, tott'ring 'neath its load. + Poor Teague, esteem'd by all a hearty fellow, + With parting Glass had got a little mellow: + A trifling failing here I must disclose, + Teague swore 'twas for the honour of his Nose, + Whose lovely size, and colour, to his thinking, + Could only be maintained by hearty drinking. + Heedless he went, unmindful as he past, + The poor Mule stumbled, and the load was cast. + 'Thunder & Turf! are those your tricks?' says Teague, + 'What! tired you Spalpeen, and come but a League!' + John now dismounted, and with horror stood; + They'd told him of Banditti in the Wood. + 'O, Teague! dear Teague! as we are only two, + 'If the curst thieves should come, what shall we do?' + 'Thieves! is it thieves you fear, Sir, G--d confound 'em! + 'Teague and your Honour surely can surround 'em; + 'By Ja--s, I would bodder half a score.' } + This check'd John's fears, who now did him implore } + To get the load upon the Mule once more. } + The job accomplish'd, he his Horse bestrode, + And then with anxious look pursued his Road. + As Sacavem came now full right in view, + He then enquired of Teague 'what he should do?' + 'You first must to the Jewish bend your pace.' + 'Jewish!'[14] says John, 'why man, that's at Duke's Place.' + ''Tis him that sarves the Billet,' Teague replies. + 'O, well!' says John, and to the Juis hies. + The Billet[15] got, they travel to explore + For Rua Sacra, Casa, Number Four. + The House was found, but wanting Door or Casement, + 'Is this the place?' says John in wild amazement. + 'Is it to such D----n'd sties as these they send us? + 'A pretty way they treat their Brave Defenders!' + Entering, at length, he saw a squalid Wench, + Begrimed with dirt, and luxury of stench; + Then, in a filthy room, and almost dark, + Three wretched women squatted round a spark. + With out stretch'd hand his Billet he presents, + And stopp'd his nose t' escape the beastly scents. + A croaking voice exclaims, '_Aqui Senhor?_' + 'A key!' says John, 'why, D----n me, you've no Door.' + Teague, sober grown, now offer'd his advice, + 'A Soldier, plase your honour, mayn't be nice. + 'Becase your honour must consider; as why, + 'There's a good Roof between us and the Sky: + 'I'll first go out, and steal the Beasts some Food, + 'And then I'll cook your honour something good.' + Alas! poor John; he wanted consolation, + Wrapp'd in the misery of meditation; + So bolting out in anguish to the Street, + A Sign[16] suspended did his optics greet; + When in he rush'd, and to a room was led, + With Table, Chair, and something like a Bed. + Now from his Canteen culled sufficient fare, + The Brandy swallowed, and forgot his care, + In four days' time he reach'd the first Depot, + And at the Commandant's himself did show. + This was a Hero[17] great, who treated Subs + As little better than a pack of Scrubs. + Himself from Ranks had risen by his merit, + But those advantages did not inherit + That in the best societies you find + Arising from a cultivated mind; + Imperiously made all beneath him feel + His rod of Power and his wond'rous zeal, + 'Here, Sir, you Ensign, mind, on no pretext + 'Must you neglect to call day after next. + 'There, get you gone! for you I've nothing more,' + And with his finger pointed to the Door. + John travelled out, repeating, 'Nothing more! + 'D----n me if e'er I met so rude a Bore!' + But by experience knew that to complain + Against such Brutal manners would be vain. + Accustom'd now, he quickly stirr'd about, + First to obtain, then make his Billet out. + This settled to his heart's content, + That Day and Night he comfortably spent; + Next morning call'd, and so without delay, + To reach the next Depot he bent his Way. + + +END OF PART I + + +[Illustration: _Johnny Newcome going to lay in Stock._] + +[Illustration: _Getting into his Billet._] + + +FOOTNOTES + +[1] This species of partial puffing is carried too far. It reminds me of +something of a similar tendency, that panegerized a young Count who was +killed by a +Broad-Wheeled Waggon+. + +[2] The intention of government was no doubt to consult as much as +possible the convenience of the Officers; but, the arrangement _was_, +and _is_, shameful, respecting their treatment when embarked and on +board Transports. In the first instance, hurried to get on Board, they +immediately find they have nothing to expect but a hard berth, the use +of the Cabin, and Rations; no utensils to cook with, or to use; no +person to cook for them; in short, all must depend on their individual +exertion. Conceive a young Lad, without a servant, and with a scanty +purse, thus situated, expecting a voyage of a month or six weeks' +continuance! + +[3] With respect to the Officers at Lisbon, who were there either on +duty, or leave, or otherwise, the variety of their dress became at +length so ridiculous that Major-General Peacock was obliged to issue a +severe Order, restricting them to the use of the Regimental Great Coat, +and Hat, or Cap. + +Lord Wellington, in consequence of the heat of the weather, indulged the +Officers in wearing loose Great Coats; but this was soon followed up +with waistcoats of all sorts, and colours, with filagree gold, or silver +buttons, and what were called Forage Caps, of all fancies and shapes. +They only wanted the appendage of Bells. + +[4] All Officers under the rank of Field-Officer, on landing at Lisbon, +were ordered to report themselves at the Town-Major's Office, and were +from thence sent to the Belem Depot, to be disposed of by the Commandant +there. + +[5] 'No intende,' in Portuguese, signifies 'don't understand.' + +[6] The Barracks at Belem were assigned as a general receptacle for +Detachments coming from England, and all recovered Men. Captain Brown, +of the 23rd Regiment (than whom no Officer could have managed the duties +of Commandant more properly, reputably, and honourably), made the +arrangements for the march of Parties to join the Army, apportioned the +number of Officers; and gave them orders, and directions for their +conduct. Sometimes he permitted Officers to proceed alone to join their +Regiments, but generally they were attached to Parties. + +One general Rout to the Army was established, and the distances so +divided, and Depots formed, that the parties could be provisioned +every three or four Days; a Commandant, and Adjutant, with requisite +non-commissioned officers, being established at each Depot, together +with a Commissariat and an Hospital; and though last, not, +unfortunately, the least necessary, a Provost-Marshal. + +[7] At the commencement of the Campaign on the Peninsula, the +Portuguese certainly treated the British Officers in the most generous +manner,--voluntarily and hospitably received them into their Houses, and +externally carried their liberality to great excess; giving up their +most elegant Apartments, supplying them with a proportion of Plate, +Linen, Fuel, and Wax Candles; but it is with regret that I am obliged +to state that this indulgence and hospitality was, in many instances, +scandalously abused, and the most ungentlemanlike, ungrateful, indecent, +and ungenerous returns were often made. What was the consequence? +So many complaints were made against the Officers for abusing their +Billets, that a General Order was issued, stating the number of rooms +each rank was entitled to, and restricting the _quantum_ of Furniture +to one Table, one Chair, and one Lamp, and an allowance of Oil for each +Apartment, with the use of a Kitchen. The consequence follows, that +whatever inconvenience, mortification, rudeness, or inhospitable +treatment Officers have since experienced, results from the misconduct +(I hope only comparatively) of a few. Circumstances in the outset may +have imposed a sentiment on the Natives, perhaps rather foreign to their +disposition; but the change of circumstances, and the conduct of our +Officers, seem to have left a disposition in the Portuguese to treat us +roughly, and to get rid of us altogether. + +[8] The opening of the Odoriferous Sluices generally commences about +9 o'clock P.M. and continues, without intermission, for about two hours, +and woe to those unfortunates whose business, or pleasure, leads them +forth during this display of Portuguese cleanliness! + +There are certain regulations respecting this filthy outrage, such +as requiring those people to call out three times, by way of warning +the Foot-passenger of his danger, and the offenders are likewise +liable to be called to some sort of reckoning; but the Laws, and the +administration of the Laws, are altogether so defective, that it is very +difficult to get redress, in cases in which robbery, or even murder, +have been committed. Nay, I this moment see a Villain at large, who, +without receiving any offence, but what he chose to consider one, on a +young Officer's looking at a Girl, actually followed him, and struck him +from behind with a stick so heavily as to brake his arm. The fellow was +taken up, and evidences produced, proving the fact: but he is protected +by his master (a fidalgo, _i.e._ a gentleman), and at this moment +insolently stares a British officer in the face. + +[9] It was customary for the British Officers who came to Lisbon for the +purpose of joining the army, to provide themselves with a Mule or two, +to carry their baggage. The only convenient opportunity to make this +purchase was at a sort of fair, held every Tuesday in the lower part +of the town. There, Horses, Mules, and Donkies were bought and sold; +and, as in all Markets, the price chiefly depended on the demand. The +Portuguese Horse-dealer has all the avidity of an English jockey to pick +your pocket, but they are not so _au fait_ at the business. At this +Fair, you buy or sell your Animal. The bargain is struck, the Money +paid, and the contract is indissoluble. + +English Guineas, at that time, had no attraction. The Dollar, or +Moidore, was the medium; but since the Guineas have been introduced in +payment of the Army, the Portuguese seem to appreciate their value. + +It was customary for Officers who wanted Cash to give their Draft on +some House in London, &c. &c.; but it was purchasing Money very +expensively, giving at the rate of six Shillings and Sixpence for a +Dollar that would bring only five Shillings; thus losing eighteen-pence +on every five Shillings. + +[10] The Portuguese greeting each other, embrace; a practice certainly +strange to a Briton, and recollecting the effluvia of garlic, is +horribly offensive. + +[11] Messrs. Smith and Co. opened a Warehouse of English goods, where an +Officer might suit himself (paying rather dearly) with every article of +wearing apparel, and furniture for the animals, &c. + +[12] The scarcity of forage rendered it necessary to curtail the +quantity of animals allowed for the use of the army. This fell somewhat +hard on Subaltern Officers, who were obliged so to contract their +baggage as to deprive themselves of many articles actually necessary +to their convenience. That something to wear--something to sleep +on--something to eat--and something to cook with--were really necessary +for existence; and only one miserable animal was allowed to carry what +was so essential for two Subaltern Officers; but it was unfortunately +the case. + +[13] Senhor Cavigole, as well as many others, Misters and Senhors, kept +shops replete with stores of all sorts, which they sold at a very high +price, but with which officers knew they must be supplied; for the +hungry French had deprived the Portuguese of that little they possessed; +and it did happen, and not unfrequently, that divisions had been so +scantily supplied with rations, that even a private soldier has been +known to give a Dollar for one biscuit, and glad to satisfy his hunger +at that enormous rate. + +[14] The Juis de Fero is the Magistrate. The soldiers contracted the +appellation to _Jewish_. + +[15] The Subaltern Officers, in the Portuguese service, were taken +from very humble situations, and of course are not treated by their +countrymen with the distinction and respect which British Officers +claim; consequently, where Quarters or Billets are disposed according to +rank, the Portuguese Alfares, or Ensigns, are thrust into any wretched +hovel, and, from the ignorance of the country magistrates, the British +Subaltern Officers were not unfrequently treated with as little +ceremony: many of them were billeted in the most wretched, filthy, +miserable dwellings, which among a race of people so excessively nasty +in themselves, rendered the officers particularly uncomfortable. + +[16] Immediately in the vicinity of Lisbon, a person may contrive at the +inns, or rather wine houses, to be somewhat better accommodated than at +a Subaltern's billet. + +[17] No disrespect is intended, but until one can 'make a Silk Purse +of a Sow's ear,' we must be content to submit to the 'insolence of +Office.' + + + + +THE MILITARY ADVENTURES OF JOHNNY NEWCOME + +PART II + + + + +THE MILITARY ADVENTURES OF JOHNNY NEWCOME + +PART II + + + Now once on their Way we see the Pair, + When John, as passing, did around him stare; + Though flat the Country, oft he got a peep + At the smooth Tagus in its mazy sweep; + Whose Banks well covered by the richest soil, + Yielding abundant Crops, with scanty Toil. + ''Tis a fine Country, Teague, one needs must say, + 'But thousands should not tempt me here to stay.' + 'I'd not live here,' says Teague, 'among the Craters; + 'Give me dear Ireland, Whiskey and Paraters.' + +[Illustration: _Taking his Breakfast._] + + Thus time beguil'd in social chat was past, + When John reflected he'd not broke his Fast. + When from the Road a narrow path he took, + And gain'd a Rocky Bank, hard by a Brook. + For now friend Sol had his meridian got-- + John felt uneasy, 'twas so scorching hot. + With eager look a survey round he made, + To take advantage of some friendly Shade. + Alas! no friendly Bough would interpose + A shadow large enough to screen his nose, + So, near the spot at which his Dobbins drank, + He crept beneath the shelving of the Bank; + Whilst Teague, regardless of the Sultry ray, + Unpack'd the load, and let the Dobbins stray: + Then spread the Breakfast, which, to John's relief, + Proved a good store of Biscuit, Ham, and Beef. + John, now refresh'd, still closer in did creep, + With Brandy quench'd his thirst, and fell asleep. + Teague hearing now his Master snore profound, + With great composure squatted on the ground; + Then with the Brandy filled the largest Cup-- + 'Here's to good luck!' said he, then drank it up. + Again replenish'd, down again it goes,-- + 'And that's,' said Teague, 'in honour of my Nose.' + Another filled, Teague thought it mighty clever, + Though last, not least, 'twas 'Ireland for ever.' + Then cast a look around, to see all right, + Fell on his back, and wish'd himself good Night. + When now the Sun had three parts clear'd his Course, + Teague started up, and look'd for Mule and Horse; + Pack'd up and loaded, and with gentle stroke, + Touching his Master's shoulder, he awoke; + ''Tis time to March, Sir, and more cool the weather.' + John was content, so off they went together; + Reach'd Gallega that night; Punhete next day. + Poor John knock'd up, began to curse the Way. + 'Such Bl--st--d Roads will make a Fellow crazy!' + 'O plase you, Sir,' said Teague, 'do just be asy; + 'By Ja--s 'tis a turnpike, let me tell ye, + 'To what you'll meet with at that Villa Velhe.' + John interrupted Teague in his Oration, + To know, was not Abrantes the next Station? + 'Faith, and it is,' said Teague, 'there is no doubt; + 'Is it not mintioned in your Honour's Route?' + 'O! D----n the Route,' said John; 'I want to know, + 'I'm so curst tired, how far we have to go!' + Abrantes Castle now came full in sight, + Much to John's consolation and delight. + A T----r was its Juiz; as folk say, + If not belied, and in the Frenchman's pay, + A Brutish Coxcomb--rough, and most uncivil, + Who slily wish'd our Army at the Devil; + On all occasions, it was his delight, + On British Officers to vent his spite; + Kept John, with Teague and Baggage, at his Door, + Kicking their heels for full three hours and more. + John fumed and fretted--but 'twas all in vain; + Till tired to death, his Billet did obtain. + But such a filthy, loathsome, beastly Hut + Mud walls, Mud floor, besmear'd with Slime & Smut! + 'O L--d!' says John, 'pray how shall I contrive, + 'In this D----n'd hole, to keep myself alive?' + A half-starved Taylor, vamping up old breeches, + Cried, '_Viva, Senhor!_' and pursu'd his stitches. + '_Viver!_' said John, 'O G--d confound your "_viver_," + 'This horrid place will put me in a Fever.' + Then with Grimaces, Sighs, and Groans, and Shrugs, + Explor'd this den of Lice, and Fleas, and Bugs. + + It is a fact well known, the Portuguese + Cherish voluptuously both Lice and Fleas; + Some Bramin-like, are influenc'd by Piety, + But mostly for Amusement, and Society; + For Females oft in parties will carouse, + Scratching each other's Heads, t' entrap a Louse, + Whilst on their skins, the Fleas will Skip, & Scramble, + And wanton Lice through all their ringlets ramble. + Not that these Gamesome Merriments we find, + As in some Countries, to the Poor confin'd; + Here does their influence undisputed Reign, + From Courtly Nobles, to the humble Swain. + + But to resume, poor John, as it was late, + Sadly submitted to his wretched fate; + Rejected Food, on Canteens stretch'd he lay, + And sullen watch'd for the returning Day. + Teague fed his Animals, then took his Dose, + And soon resign'd himself to his repose. + Restless poor John now pass'd the tedious Night, + Each minute starting from a greedy Bite; + With outstretch'd neck, his eyes he cast aloof, + Reliev'd at length by Day-light through the Roof, + Set Teague to work, and so without delay, + Saddled his Dobbins, and went on his way. + + Now eagerly he sniffed the fragrant Gale, + The Tagus crossed, and travell'd in the Dale. + Govina, Niza, now left in their Rear, + When Dobbin stopped, and bristled up with fear. + 'God rot the beast!' says John in some amaze, + Rose in his stirrups, and did round him gaze: + A sight beheld, that gave his nerves a shock, + A mangled human Body on the Rock.[18] + Transfix'd, he stared with horror and affright, + And roared to hasten Teague with all his might. + Teague unconcerned, with shrug of nonchalance, + Said, 'O, by Ja--s! you'll ne'er get to France! + 'He's a Frenchman, Master, that lies sprawling, + 'The Wolves have given him a pretty mauling.' + 'What, Teague,' said John, who felt another dread, + 'Is't Wolves that have upon this Carcase fed?' + Again with horror did around him peer; + 'Won't they attack us, Teague?' they must be near. + 'Attack,' says Teague, 'your honour need not fright; + 'If we were dead, and Travelling here, they might.' + + John tired, and anxious, now began to grumble, + The cursed, rugged Road, made Dobbin stumble; + Some sad mishap his senses now forebodes, + When Teague exclaims, 'These are the Devil's own Roads!' + Now from a Cliff they view'd a Gulph below, + Where Tagus sternly midst the Rocks did flow, + A narrow path they follow'd, jam'd with stones, + John, Dobbin led, and trembled for his bones: + Scrambling, & straggling, step from Ridge to Ridge; + At length, the danger passed, they reach'd the Bridge. + Now on their Route we find them each day gaining, + But, wearied out, poor Johnny ceas'd complaining; + Grown used to suffer Insolence and Pillage + In every beastly town and dirty Village; + To see Religion made the tool of Knaves; + To crush morality, and nourish Slaves. + + As now to Salamanca near John drew, + Pleas'd that to Portugal he'd bid adieu, + Was told to hasten--there might be a Fight, + The Hostile foes were in each other's sight: + With British ardour thrilling thro' each vein; + Urged by an impulse nothing could restrain. + + John's soul was meek, but he felt in truth + With all the bashful modesty of Youth; + From his blest native Soil he did inherit + A bold, determined mind, and active spirit; + Nought could his zealous energy oppose, + He'd join his Reg'ment, and he'd face its Foes-- + Boldly push'd on to share in the Attack, + And found the brave King's Own in _Bivouac_.[19] + + All here to John appear'd both strange, and new, + He knew not what to say, nor what to do; + Which way to turn, nor whom he should accost,-- + Poor John amidst the motley Crew was lost. + Here groupes of Soldiers, in light converse stood, + Some he saw cooking, others fetching Wood. + And here, and there, were seen a huddled heap, + In spite of scorching Sun, all fast asleep. + And now a crowd of Officers he sees, + On Rocky fragments sitting at their ease. + John went to seek the Officer Commanding: + An Officer replied, 'Sir, there he's standing.' + John now with modesty reveal'd his Name, + Told him the Rank he held, and how he came. + +[Illustration: _Introduced to his Colonel._] + + The Officer his aid now friendly lent him, + Proposing to the Colonel to present him. + To this John readily gave his assent, + And arm in arm they sociably went. + Arriv'd, the Officer first stepped before, + 'This, Sir, is Ensign _Newcome_, of our Corps.' + 'I'm very glad to see you, Mr. _Newcome_; + ''Tis charming weather: pray from whence do you come?' + 'Uncommon hot, Sir! but I push'd my Cattle, + 'In hopes I should in time be for the Battle.' + 'O! you're in famous time, you need not fear: + 'But you must send your Baggage to the Rear.' + 'The Devil!' quoth John, 'this is a queer beginning, + 'So sweating Hot, and not a change of Linen.' + And then in modest accents did intreat, + He might reserve his Canteens and his Meat.[20] + 'By no means, Sir, just now, we Sons of Mars, + 'Are glad to live on Brandy and Segars. + 'In anxious times like these, it is our plan, + 'To satisfy our hunger as we can; + 'The Ground our Bed, where we contented lie, + 'Nought interposes 'twixt us and the Sky. + 'We first must drub yon Saucy Vapouring Elves, + 'Then get our Baggage, and enjoy ourselves.' + + John listen'd, scrap'd, and bow'd, and then retir'd: + (Not that the Colonel's speech he much admir'd.) + 'Come,' said his Friend, 'cheer up, & don't be glum. + 'I've got a Biscuit, and a little Rum.' + 'No, no,' said John, 'I'll from my Canteens borrow, + 'We'll feast to-day, altho' we starve to-morrow. + 'Then hand out, Teague, whatever is to spare, + 'And let us all the Prog amongst us share.' + + Now see him careless stretch'd upon the ground, + Viewing with silent wonder all around. + His brother Officers so oddly drest, + Their ragged Jacket, and their purple Vest; + Reg'mental Great Coats, batter'd, bare, and old; + And Forage Caps that once were blue, and gold. + Shirts of whose proper colour were no trace. + Mustachios, Whiskers, that disguised their face. + Yet all was lively, frolicsome, and gay, + Full of their laughter--full of fun and play. + + And now John's Hams and Tongues were all paraded, + And by his hungry Friends were soon invaded; + The flowing Cup they to each other bandy, + They ate his Prog, and drank up all his Brandy. + In course of conversation there arose + A question, as to number of their Foes. + One said there's Twenty Thousand; others swore + There were, they thought, _at least_ as many more: + As many more at least they would maintain-- + Look at their Columns stretching o'er the Plain. + John started up, astonish'd to descry + The Hostile Army just below them lie. + 'O bless my heart!' said John, 'what lots of Foes, + 'They're scattered all about as thick as Crows.' + He view'd them with a keen, astonish'd eye, + Felt rather queer to find they were so nigh. + But snugly kept his thoughts within his breast, + Fearful they'd turn his ignorance to jest. + + Now evening closed, and cast a silent gloom; + 'Come,' says his friend, 'lay down, we'll make you room: + 'Here take this Blanket, and beneath you spread, + 'And here's a Stone, as Pillow for your Head.' + John thankfully conformed to his advice, + And, like the rest, was snoring in a trice. + + Now the bold Leader of each Hostile Band, + Manoeuvred for the 'vantage of the Land. + At length great Wellington, with his Allies, + Completely took the Frenchmen by surprize,-- + Boldly descended in the midst of Day, + Attack'd the French as they supinely lay; + His Light troops skirmishing, began the Battle, + Then thundering Cannon thro' the Ranks did rattle. + Divisions to Divisions then oppose, + But British valour soon overwhelm'd its Foes. + Then burst the Cavalry with heroic speed, + Charging their Squares, and every where succeed. + Beat at all points, the dastard Frenchmen yield, + Trust all to flight, and scamper from the Field. + Thus the brave British, German, Portuguese, + Fought, Conquer'd, Triumph'd at th' Arepiles; + And I, to deck my story, fain would sing, + How all the Salamanca Bells did ring; + How Peasants unconcerned, th' ensuing Day, + Plough'd thro' the honour'd soil where Heroes lay. + But no--content I'll to my story keep, + And so return to John I left asleep; + Who, wrapt in slumber, care forgetting, lies, + The Long roll Beat--he started, rubb'd his eyes. + 'Why, what's the matter?--surely it is dark.' + 'Aye,' says his friend, 'we rise before the Lark. + 'Our Orders are to fall in every Morn, + 'And stand to Arms an hour before the Dawn; + 'Come, rouse my honest Fellow, don't be slack, + 'At break of day the Frenchmen may attack.' + John rose, but grumbled out, 'If I'd been told, + 'They'd start me up thus shivering in the Cold; + 'To go Campaigning, I would ne'er been led. + 'But stuck to my own Corps, and Feather-Bed.' + The Adjutant did now friend Johnny fix, + To Captain Bull's division, Number Six; + In Captain Buckett's company, when 'Lo!' + Says John, 'I think I Captain Buckett know; + 'His uncle's Tub the Brewer, I've no doubt,-- + 'Old Buckett lives in Faringdon Without.' + Soon recogniz'd--the Morn began to break; + His Captain begg'd he'd half a biscuit take: + 'Eat it, my boy, and mind what I shall say, + 'I'm sure we shall have pepp'ring work to Day; + 'And drink this Rum, for I'm apt to think + 'We shall have more to do than eat and drink.' + And he was right; in truth they soon did hear-- + A sort of busy Hum came from the Rear. + An Order from the General, to say, + 'The Column was to move without delay.' + John to his Captain stuck, but was perplex'd + To think of what the deuce was coming next. + + Now for three hours they March'd with steady pace, + Till they descended to the Mountain's base. + The Column halted--stood in close Array; + The Light Troops forward push'd to feel the way. + The Muskets' prittle prattle soon commences, + Along the Front, from Ditches, Walls, and Fences. + Now, 'scaping from a distant patch of Smoke, + Shells from the Frenchmen's Mortars round them broke. + And now their Field-Guns at the Column aiming, + Shot, after Shot, in peals of thunder coming. + +[Illustration: _Smells powder for the first time._] + + When John this skirmishing did first behold, + He thought the Little Light bobs desperate bold. + But when stray Bullets whistled by his Ear, + John rather shrunk--but 'twas not done through fear; + 'Twas his first trial, he could not disguise + A natural impulse, taken by surprise. + Now Bullets, Balls, and Shells around them flew, + As to th' embattled Foe they nearer drew. + Now to its Right the Column did incline,-- + Gain'd its Position, forming into Line; + With slow, but bold, intrepid pace, advance + Amidst the Vollies of the Troops of France. + The Battle soon with death-like fury rag'd. + John's mind, his Eye, his every thought engag'd. + Around him Slaughter dwelt with ruthless Blow, + And Heroes' blood did in sad torrents flow, + When Johnny suddenly receiv'd command, + He in his Captain's place should take his stand. + Struck by the fragments of a Broken Shell, + Fighting his country's cause, the Hero fell. + Undaunted, undismayed, our gallant John + Took the Command, and bravely led them on. + And now by British valour close assail'd + (For British valour every where prevail'd), + Three piercing shouts their Hostile Bands invade, + When desperately the British charge was made. + O'erthrown, disorder'd, down their arms they threw, + Whilst British Victors every where pursue. + Thousands lay drench'd in gore upon the plain, + Thousands led Captive in the Conqueror's train. + The Battle o'er, the foe now put to flight, + Chac'd by the Victors till the close of night. + The Gallant Bands to neighbouring heights retire, + In groupes collected, nestle round the Fire; + The conflicts of the day by turns relate,-- + Count o'er the slaughtered, and lament their fate. + Stretch'd on the ground, they lay in sound repose, + Nor rous'd from slumber, till the Sun arose. + With melancholy zeal John bent his way + To seek the spot where his brave Captain lay-- + Fain would I stop, but truth I must impart, + And spread a gloom o'er every British heart; + As slow his searching eye survey'd the ground, + Bestrew'd with Mangled Carcases around, + He saw, when speechless, horror-struck he stood, + The naked Body weltering in its Blood.[21] + 'Alas!' says John, with indignation heated, + 'Is this the way a gallant Hero's treated?' + And now the Body to the earth he gave, + And with a friendly tear bedew'd the Grave. + When Johnny did a Letter home Indite, + To tell his mother all about the Fight. + +[Illustration: _Johnny writes an account of the Action to his Mother, +which afterwards appears in the Star._] + + 'Dear Mother, + 'In few words I will contrive + 'To let you know that I am safe alive. + 'I know, dear Mother, it will give you joy-- + 'The Colonel said, I was a gallant Boy. + 'But truly, Mother, my poor pen can't tell + 'How we were Pepper'd by the Shots and Shell. + 'Poor Buckett too, you know, old Buckett's son, + 'Was kill'd, and fell before we made them run. + 'And now, dear Mother, I'm sure for joy you'll cry, + 'To know who led his Soldiers to the charge? but I. + 'Our glorious General too, he lives as hard + 'As any Ticket Porter in our Ward. + 'But I've no time, though much I have to say, + 'We're order'd to March off without delay. + 'I don't know where to give you my direction, + 'So give my loving Father my affection. + 'We shall have Peace, and then go home again, + 'So I most dutifully do remain, + 'J. N.' + +[Illustration: _Half Rations._] + + The Rations now arriv'd, each took his share, + And eagerly devour'd the scanty Fare; + And scanty Fare it was, consisting chief + Of flinty Biscuit, tough, and stinking Beef, + Tho' Teague's report at first made John look glum-- + ''Tis only half allowance, and no Rum.' + 'O Damn those Commissaries! what a disaster, + 'They've brought us down, you see, to Lath & Plaster. + 'But, "Vive la guerre," 'tis useless to repine.' + So on they March, and in the pursuit join. + Now rapidly they on the vanquish'd prest, + Snatching at intervals a hasty rest. + Day after Day, and frequently all Night, + They speed to check the Frenchmen in their flight: + When luckily for John, an order came + To Halt--for John was wearied, & poor Dobbin lame. + Close to Medina now their Stations took, + Amidst the standing Barley, near a Brook. + Knock'd up was John, his spirits quite forsook him, + So to his Hospital the Doctor took him. + 'Come cheer, my friend; come rally and be gay;-- + 'I've got some Lads to Dine with me to-day.' + John fain would rally, but was sick at heart; + Though at the dinner tried to play his part. + 'Come,' says the Doctor, 'here's Rum and Segars; + 'This is the way we carry on our Wars. + 'Here, smoke, my boy, I know 'twill do you good; + 'And try this Country wine, 'twill cool your Blood.' + John smoked, & drank, & drank, & smoked again, + But nought upon his Stomach would remain. + His head turn'd round--he tried to gain the door, + But miss'd his mark, and sp--d upon the floor. + 'O Ja--s,' says a lively Irish Blade, + 'I ne'er before saw such a grand Cascade.' + Holding his Nose, exclaim'd a chubbly Lad, + 'Give me some Rum, or I shall be as bad.' + 'True,' says a third, and winking as he spoke, + 'Though well he stood the Fire, he can't the Smoke.' + 'Aye,' says the Doctor, sagely, 'it a fact is, + 'Tobacco fumes corrode for want of practice; + 'Coming in contact with the Mesentery, + 'Sickness produce, and sometimes Dysentery.' + 'Aye,' says another, cramming up his Snuff, + 'One at a time, the Cascade's quite enough.' + 'Come, _Newcome_,' says the Doctor, 'once more try; + 'Of this you'll get the better bye and bye.' + But now against the wall, John held his head, + And drawling out, 'Ah, no! I'm almost dead.' + So, on a Blanket stretch'd, in wretched plight, + And, parch'd with fever, groan'd away the Night. + +[Illustration: _Learning to Smoke and drink Grog._] + +[Illustration: _Poor Johnny on the sick List._] + + Next morn the Doctor came, his Friend to seek, + And found poor Johnny, feverish, and weak. + 'Ah! Sir,' says John, 'it is to me quite clear, + 'That I'm a dead man, if they keep me here.' + The Doctor felt his Pulse, and gave a shrug; + The Constitution could not stand the Tug. + 'Your health, poor _Newcome_, does so bad appear, + 'That I shall send you straightways to the Rear. + 'To Salamanca first, and when you're there, + 'You will be ordered Home for change of Air. + 'The Board of Surgeons will, I'm well assur'd, + 'At once decide that here you can't be cured.' + +[Illustration: _Going Sick to the Rear._] + + Next Morn, by times, John in a cart was laid, + Follow'd by Teague, and to the Rear convey'd; + Dragg'd in the midst of Donkies, Mules, and Carts, + With sick, and wounded, Johnny now departs,-- + Expos'd to jolting Roads, to Dust, and Heat-- + Expos'd for hours, in some vile Road or Street; + The livelong Day, no comfort, food, or rest, + Waking all Night, by sad disease opprest: + Around him anguish speaks in languid tones, + And wounded Heroes, stifling in their groans. + But from such dismal scenes I must refrain,-- + The dreadfull retrospect gives only pain, + As 'tis my wish, in this my humble measure, + To give my gentle Reader only pleasure; + Tho' in this story of one Vent'rous Youth, + _I give the truth, and nothing but the truth._ + At length to Salamanca John was taken, + His mind afflicted; frame and body shaken. + And once more Housed, in temporary dose, + His worn-out, wearied Carcase sought repose, + The Surgeons found, as Dissolution border'd, + That he to England must straightways be order'd. + + By easy journies, (tho' estrang'd from ease), + He once more travell'd in the land of Fleas. + Onward was dragg'd o'er many a weary League, + His only comfort left was honest Teague. + Silent and sad he lay, and scarcely spoke, + But '_Oh Patron, oh! sparum, sparum poke_.[22] + 'Oh, mind the Rascal, Teague, don't let him spill me; + 'The horrid Brute I'm sure's resolv'd to kill me.' + And, now when many a tedious Day had past, + Half-dead at Lisbon, he arriv'd at last. + His piteous case was now by Teague convey'd, + And in due form before the General laid. + A Fleet of Transports in the Tagus lay, + And was to Sail for England the next day. + The General kindly sent poor Johnny word-- + A Birth was order'd; he might go on Board; + With kind indulgence, and which did him honour, + Permission gave that he might take O'Connor. + Teague's honest joy now kindled in his heart, + When from his Master he was not to part. + 'He'd been his Friend, his Nurse, his Consolation; + 'No braver Lad,' says Teague, 'lives in the Nation; + 'I'll get him snug on Board, and then I think, + 'I'll to my Friends, and to take a hearty drink.' + Now John by Teague was safely stow'd on Board, + And Teague got staggering drunk to keep his word. + Next morn by times, to Johnny's great surprize, + Teague had a broken Nose, and two Black Eyes. + Teague thought by some excuse to make amends-- + 'I _tuck_ a Drink, your Honour, with some Friends.' + 'With Friends,' said John, 'no, Teague, you mean your Foes; + 'The Devil's in't, if Friends would break your Nose.' + 'Ah no, your Honour,' says Teague, ''twas Friends for _sartin_-- + 'We drank like Friends, _but had a fight at parting_.' + 'O! aye,' said John, 'you Paddies like a joke, + 'So friendly-like, you took a parting Stroke.' + + Blue Peter hoisted, and the Wind was fair; + John much refresh'd inhal'd the saline air. + Stretch'd on the Deck, he oft did take his Station, + His empty stomach offer'd no oblation: + His wand'ring thoughts would retrospective cast, + Dwelling on all the Scenes that he had pass'd; + And fancy oft would pleasurably roam + To his lov'd Parents, and his happy Home. + + Now passing Ushant from the Bay of Biscay, + 'Don't I,' said Teague, 'smell Ireland & Whiskey?' + 'Why, Teague,' said John, 'I think we're drawing near + 'The coast of Ireland, that is called Cape Clear. + 'Here, take the Spy-Glass--look with all your might.' + 'I see't, by Ja--s, 'tis Clear out of sight.' + As to the Northward now the Wind did veer, + They trimm'd the Sails, and up the Channel steer; + Smoothly they ran, and, by the Convoy led, + They shortly cast their Anchor at Spithead. + + Tho' weak was John, and trembled at each joint, + He took a Boat, and landed at the point; + Popp'd Teague and Baggage in a Chaise and Four, + And quickly travell'd to his Father's Door. + + The honest Grocer was in daily use, + When he had din'd, to take a quiet snooze; + Whilst his good Dame, whose anxious mind was fill'd + With dread her dearest Johnny might be kill'd, + Sat pensively, lamenting her sad case-- + In burst her Son, and flew to her embrace: + She sigh'd, she sobb'd, and press'd him to her breast, + And all the Mother's fondest love exprest. + + The honest Grocer, waking in amaze, + Rubbing his eyes, did on our Hero gaze,-- + 'Why dang it now, do my old eyes tell true? + 'Is it my boy,--dear Johnny, is it you? + 'When did you come? how got you leave, my Boy? + 'Zounds! I'm so glad, I can't contain my joy!' + + John now explain'd how England he did reach; + Th' enraptur'd Parents hung upon his speech. + His anxious Mother sadly now survey'd + The alteration that disease had made; + Saw his pale look, his sunk, and languid Eye, + Then gently said (with a Maternal sigh), + 'I see you're ill, my Son, with pain, and grief: + 'What shall we do to give our John relief?' + 'Ah, Dame! your slops and stuffs I see no good in-- + 'Give him a belly-full of beef and pudding; + 'The Boy's half-starv'd--o'drat that cursed Spain: + 'Thank God! my child's come back alive again.' + +[Illustration: _Johnny safe returned to his Mama._] + + Our John 'tween Dad and Mother took a Chair, + And now more tranquil grew the happy pair; + Related what he'd seen, and how he felt + When first in action he the powder smelt: + Then prattled on until old Dad was yawning-- + When tucked up by Mamma, he slept till morning. + + And now strange thoughts pervaded Johnny's brain,-- + He'd seen enough of Fighting, and of Spain; + So, after dinner, with his honest Sire, + With good old Port, and near a blazing Fire, + 'I think,' says John, 'Campaigning is no joke + 'With us poor _Subs_, it only ends in smoke: + 'For my own part, I've got a sort of notion, + 'That I, by other means, may get Promotion.' + 'How's that?' says Dad, 'dear Johnny don't be rash.' + 'Father, I mean by interest, or by Cash.' + 'O aye, my Son, aye, now I think I take you-- + 'If Cash will do't, I'll soon a Colonel make you.' + 'True, Sir,' says John; 'when the Gazette I read, + 'There's many by that way I see succeed.' + 'If that's your way,' again replies the Dad, + 'I'll soon promote you, never fear my lad. + 'I'll tell you what, dear John, since off you ran, + 'A Banker I'm become, and Alderman: + 'And what's still better, as you will agree, + 'I represent the City, an M.P.' + 'An M.P., dear Dad--that's devilish well, + 'Then I can now Campaign it in Pall Mall.' + 'Campaign at Carlton House--is't that you say[23]?' + 'Aye, aye, dear Dad, you take me--that's the way. + 'Who gets Promotion now? tell me who hears? + 'Do the poor Subs who've fought so many Years? + 'A Captain, now and then, may make a shift + 'By some odd accident to get a lift. + 'I know a man[24] of whom 'tis truly said + 'He bravely twice a Storming party led; + 'And Volunteer'd both times--now here's the rub, + '+The gallant fellow still remains a Sub+.' + 'That's cruel hard, my boy, there is no doubt, + 'Enough to break a heart, tho' e'er so stout; + 'But never mind, +I've Cash at my Command+.' + 'They've touch'd it somewhere. Eh! you understand.' + 'If that's your Plan, gadzooks! I'll bet a wager + 'I soon shall see you Captain! aye! and Major.' + + +END OF PART II + + +FOOTNOTES + +[18] It was shocking to behold the number of dead bodies (chiefly of +the French Army) with which the Highway was crowded.--They were in a +horribly disgusting state of Nudity, and half devoured by Wolves, and +Birds. The Armies had no time to bury the Dead, and the Inhabitants were +either too indolent, or for some other reason neglected to do it. But +to such a state of Barbarism had the natives of Portugal and Spain +attained, that Boys and Girls have been seen throwing human heads at +each other, by way of amusement; and a little Urchin, ten years old, +Servant to an Officer, was heard frequently to boast, after the Battle +of Salamanca, of having stolen slily on the wounded Frenchmen, struck +them on the head with a Stone, in order, if possible, to kill, for the +purpose of plundering them. + +[19] The Army, not having tents, were obliged to lay out exposed to the +Weather. + +[20] In consequence of the difficulty of transporting Baggage, and from +other causes, a Regiment on active Service in the Peninsula, could not +keep up a regular Mess, as in England. Each Officer was obliged to +manage for himself. They were generally divided in mess-parties of twos +and threes. This greatly incommoded the Subaltern Officer: allowed only +the carriage of half an Animal, it was not possible to admit, for the +purpose of having eatables, any addition to his share of Baggage. The +mere Ration was all that could be carried, with a Camp-kettle for +culinary purposes. Besides, we must recollect the difficulty of +obtaining extra articles, and also the want of Money: so that the bit +of Beef, and the portion of Biscuit, was the general fare for at least +two-thirds of the Officers, with a small allowance of Ration, Rum, and +Wine (generally execrable stuff): the prime luxury was a drop of Brandy +and a Segar. + +With respect to the article of dress, the contents of a very small +Portmanteau was all that could be taken, and, if an Officer wore out, +or lost his Regimental Jacket, his great Coat was the substitute. As +for waistcoats, they were as fancy directed, but generally black, blue, +or green, of either silk or velvet. + +An enormous pair of Mustachios and Whiskers were frequently seen to +protrude from the delicate countenances of some of our Bond Street +Beaux. + +[21] For the purpose of getting Liquor, the invincible British Soldier +will commit every species of depredation: he will rob a House, plunder a +Church, steal from his Comrade, and strip his own Officer in the midst +of death and slaughter. Instances are known, and too frequently have +they occurred, of Scoundrels having, under pretence of aiding a wounded +Officer, rifled and stripped him of his apparel; and all this was +effected before death had sealed his doom--before his gallant spirit, +that through Life had led them to victory, or protected them in Retreat, +had quitted its earthly Mansion! + +[22] In the Portuguese language various meanings are attached to the +same term. For instance, 'Viva' is generally intended for, 'How do you +do?' 'God bless you.'--'Rompi' is used 'to beat, to tear, to scratch, +to plunder.'--'Patron' is 'the father of a family, the husband, the +master.'--'Sparum,' 'stop, be quiet, be easy, have done.'--'Poke,' from +'poco,' 'a little, directly, quietly.' + +The Portuguese driver perfectly resembles the English wagoner; except +that the one is obstinate from stupidity, the other from insolence. + +[23] It is a _general observation_, 'that One Campaign at St. James's +is more efficacious in the attainment of promotion than half-a-dozen +Campaigns in active service.' Military observers can easily appreciate +the justice of that remark. + +The fact is, that had his Royal Highness, the Commander-in-Chief, the +uncontrolled power in the guidance of the Army, Interest and Wealth +would give place to Justice, Merit, and Desert. + +I shall take the liberty to relate an anecdote which is of so recent a +date, that a reference may be had to it without difficulty. Attached to +Lord Wellington's dispatches, relative to the victory of Vittoria, it +pleased the higher powers to subjoin the names of certain Officers, with +the promotion honourably granted to them, of course, and in consonance +with the recommendation of the noble chiefs--so many Majors to be +Lieutenant-Colonels, so many Captains to be Majors. + +Before I allude to this particular circumstance, and one which gives +validity to the above 'general observations,' I beg to be understood, +that in being obliged to bring forward this case as one in point, the +Officer alluded to is universally esteemed; he is not only active, but +intelligent: he stands high in the estimation of his superiors, for a +knowledge of the duties of his profession, as well as zeal, and courage, +in their performance. + +This gentleman's name was not introduced in the above promotion at +the Tail of the dispatch. Some time afterwards we saw it in the Gazette, +but in another class of name for the Brevet of Lieutenant-Colonel, +and bearing date (I think on account of the action) the same day, +_videlicet_, that of the _21st June_. But we now observe this Officer's +name with the rank of Lieutenant-Colonel, his Commission bearing date +the 2nd of June, by which he has been promoted; over whom? He, a young +Major, over Lieutenant-Colonel O'Toole. I have not the honour to be +acquainted with that gentleman, _but it is generally known that he has +been in every action of the last three campaigns_. He has been promoted +from a Company, to a Majority, and Lieutenant-Colonelcy for his +meritorious conduct; in the last instance, for his gallantry at the +Battle of Vittoria. + +The Hussar Brigade came out in 1813; and all, I believe, that was ever +known of their gallantry, was a little affair of cavalry on the 2nd of +June, detailed to Lord Wellington in a flourishing letter from Colonel +Grant. + +[24] Lieutenant Dyas, of 51st Light Regiment. + + + + +SEQUEL TO THE MILITARY ADVENTURES OF JOHNNY NEWCOME + +PART I + + + + +SEQUEL TO THE MILITARY ADVENTURES OF JOHNNY NEWCOME + +PART I + + + Friends, Fashion, Fortune, will deceptive veer, + Like fickle Seasons, in the varying Year. + A sad it is, but melancholy Truth, + How small, how slippery is the path of Youth: + Many, no doubt, incautious, weak, and blind, + Betraying want of prudence, want of mind, + Impetuously advance, nor look before-- + They unlamented sink--to rise no more: + Others again, by observation guided, + Step firmly on, determined, and decided; + One solid Object steadily pursue, + Nor e'er lose sight of what they have in view. + Such was our Youth. If truly we him scan, + He knew the World, and was a Worldly man; + For deep intrigue, or artifice was fit, + Endued with ample store of Mother wit: + Apt was his mind, and his perception keen, + To meditate on what he'd heard and seen. + Tho' few years converse with the World he'd held, + He saw how much by folly 'twas impell'd; + Saw to their passions that Mankind were Slaves, + The dupes to flattery, and the sport of Knaves; + Saw exultation, which no art could smother, + Greedy enjoy the downfall of each other; + Saw honest poverty, by pride opprest, + And worthless Scoundrels for their wealth carest; + Saw titled Miscreants, to all feeling lost, + Disgrace the noble Pedigree they boast; + Saw Wealth and Honours shamefully misplac'd, + Fortune's best gifts flagitiously disgrac'd: + So much he saw--he found he could insure + The Road to Wealth, and Honours quite secure. + The first was in his grasp, he knew old John + Was wond'rous rich, and he an only Son;-- + And for the next, he could, some how, or other, + Arrange that too, with aid of his good Mother. + + The Plan now laid, he open'd his approach, + 'Mother,' says he, 'you ought to keep a Coach. + 'In that, dear Mother, I should feel a pride.' + (Johnny well knew his Mother's weakest side.) + 'See Lady Jane Tobacco's gay Parade-- + 'She drives about, tho' her good Man's in Trade.' + 'Ah! my dear John, all this is very true,-- + 'But how to manage it? what must I do?' + 'O! as to that, I'll put it in a Train; + 'You know, dear Mother, Dad's a little vain: + 'So now between ourselves I will disclose + 'A famous scheme, which I have to propose: + 'Old Dad is rich enough, as you can tell-- + 'He first must be, a Banker in Pall Mall; + 'And having once, dear Mother, fixed him there, + 'We'll have a Mansion in St. James's Square;-- + 'Then at the Ministers old Dad shall set, + 'To make a Lord of him, or Baronet: + 'Then Lady _Newcome's_ Equipage so neat, + 'With two smart Footmen rattling in the Street; + 'And with your Routs, your grandeur to evince, + 'Have half a score of Lords, and perhaps a Prince. + 'What, tho' the great may exercise their wit, + 'Themselves are Scions from some honest Cit! + 'Then here again am I, whom no one knows, + 'A Grocer's Son, among our City Beaux. + 'I in the Wars who have obtained some credit.' + 'It shall be done, dear John, and I have said it.' + + John's picture he so artfully had drest, + Ambition's flame now kindled in her breast. + It is an apt old adage, known of course, + 'The Grey Mare often proves the better Horse.' + Her end she gain'd; but how, I'm not to name, + For many thrifty Wives have done the same. + True to her text, the prudent Dame was right, + Our honest Grocer soon was dubb'd a Knight; + Soon in the West, establish'd in his Bank, + Strutted a man of Consequence and Rank. + My Lady too, which is not vastly rare, + She had her Mansion in St. James's Square. + Now Cards of invitation flew about, + Sir John's gay Dinners, and my Lady's Rout. + The Fashionable World would not decline + To touch her Guineas, and to drink his Wine. + Thus in gay Circles lavishly they sport, + And Lady _Newcome_'s introduced at Court. + + John's turn now came to enter on the Stage; + And _Mr. Newcome_ now was all the Rage. + John had perceived how much on wealth depends; + He was surrounded by an Host of Friends: + His lively skiff on Fashion's surface floated, + 'Twas but to ask, and Johnny was promoted. + His Game in hand, so well he play'd his Cards, + Renounc'd the Line, and glitter'd in the Guards; + In fashion's sportive ring set all agoing-- + Deep at Newmarket, and at Brookes's knowing. + In love affairs John managed well his part, + He had a golden rule to reach the heart. + In the gay vortex now you see him dash, + Lively, and volatile, but far from rash; + Where dissipation led was always ready, + But to his interest firm, and ever steady. + Panting to shine in Military fame, + For valourous Enterprize to get a Name, + He with this feeling mingled with the bevy, + And paid his humble duty at the Levee: + He knew full well the miserable chance + _Subs_ in the Line had ever to advance; + He had strong claims to urge in his behalf, + A Guardsman was a Passport to the Staff. + A Captain now, he look'd for Higher Rank, + And knew th' influence of his Father's Bank. + But all in vain, the odious Regulation + That fix'd the time of service to each Station, + His object check'd; altho' in his behest + Sir John push'd forward all his interest. + All would not do, nor interest, nor wealth, + Nor all the wily stratagem of stealth, + (Altho' no doubt there was much deep finesse + By some employed, unknown to his Highness), + Could move the Duke, who, to his applause, + Would not infringe the Military Laws: + 'If Captain _Newcome_'s ardour and his zeal + 'Panted for Honour, or his Country's weal, + 'The Road to all was evident and plain.' + 'Why then,' says John, 'I'll to the Wars again. + 'And so, dear Dad, go speak in my behalf, + 'A word from you will get me on the Staff.' + Sir John was proud to see his boy high-mettled, + So made his Bow, and every thing was settled. + 'Go then, my Son, rejoin that valiant Host, + 'Led by Old England's pride, and Erin's boast; + 'For him does every heart's best wishes flow, + 'Who taught the Allies how to beat the Foe.' + + Now once more Johnny greets the Azure Main, + Four gallant Chargers flourish in his Train; + Canteens, with Plate, and Prog completely stor'd, + To form an elegant and sumptuous board. + A Valet, and two Grooms, his Route attends, + Teague was gone dead, carousing with his Friends; + For scarce was John well settled at his home, + When Teague soon felt a secret wish to roam: + Long'd for his Native Cot, his Country dear, + So Friends, and Whiskey, finish'd his career. + + As now Sir John in the first Circle rolls, + Important objects his great mind unfolds. + The Ministers he counted as his own, + And got a thumping portion of the Loan. + The Livery now harangued with bold Oration, + Extoll'd the prosperous credit of the Nation; + The laughter, scoffs, and hisses could receive-- + Sir John laugh'd too--but it was in his sleeve. + Let him who loses laugh, in spite of dins, + Laugh those that will, he'll surely laugh that wins. + Tho' W--n, W--d, and Q--n would snarl and bite-- + Sir John, like others, knew 'twas merely spite: + With all their hustlings, hoaxings, and grimaces, + They only bellow'd for a change of places. + Patriots, no doubt a useful appellation, + A treacherous Figure to mislead a Nation,-- + My Lord, Sir John, a Commoner, his Grace, + Are flaming Patriots--if out of Place; + No doubt 'tis useful in some way, or other, + And serves one wily Rogue to oust his Brother. + Sir John and Lady _Newcome_ now agree + He should attend his Son down to the Sea. + Sir John had mighty matters to relate + About their present, and their future state; + Much to consult about, much to advise-- + Sir John had suddenly grown wond'rous wise; + And Lady _Newcome's_ fashionable friends, + For her dear Johnny's absence made amends. + + Now in a Chaise and Four they onwards travell'd, + When thus Sir John his sentiments unravell'd: + 'D'ye see, my Son, as it has been my fate + 'To be a Knight, and Member of the State-- + 'I'm rich enough, no doubt, all that is true, + 'But then the Minister--he knows who's who. + 'Financial knowledge I'll not yield to Necker-- + 'Full well they know my value at th' Exchequer. + 'And you, my Son, I mean when next we meet, + 'Shall at St. Stephen's Chapel take a Seat. + 'In the mean time, dear John, it would be wise + 'That you in every thing should scrutinize; + 'Transmit your observations in a Note-- + 'They may be useful by and bye, to quote; + 'At present 'tis our plan, you will agree-- + 'All's right and proper, we no fault must see: + 'But, should a change take place, our Party out, + 'We then shall see most diff'rently, no doubt. + 'Let nothing, John, your observation pass, + 'Purveyors, Commissaries, all that Class; + 'As for the Staff, there's nothing now to blame, + 'The Duke's wise measures have cut up that Game.[25] + 'In former Wars we heard of Depredation, + 'A sort of Military Peculation, + 'But now, indeed, 'tis quite a diff'rent story, + 'They nought pursue but Honour, Fame, and Glory. + 'And as in Arms Old England's proudly grown, + 'The Honour, Fame, and Glory's all their own.' + + To this address John deep attention paid; + There was much policy in what he said: + For the advice, his gratitude exprest, + And in his mind he treasur'd up the rest. + Thus mutually on future prospects counting, + They Portsmouth reach, and rattle to the Fountain. + A Chaise and Four creates a famous bustle-- + Landlords and Waiters 'gainst each other hustle. + Obsequiously the Landlord bows the way-- + Expensive work, for every Bow you pay.[26] + But more of that anon--all things arrang'd; + The Dinner order'd, and apparel chang'd. + John said, 'Dear Dad, we first must pay our Court + 'To the great Naval Chieftain of the Port'; + And slily whispering, 'It is my drift + 'On board a Man-of-War to get a lift.' + 'You must, my Boy; I fancy there are few come + 'With so much wealth and power as Sir John _Newcome_.' + The Admiral was civil and polite, + And courteously receiv'd the worthy Knight. + The Card announc'd his dignity full well, + 'Twas Sir John _Newcome_, Knight, M.P., Pall Mall. + The Admiral grew sociable and free, + And very much increas'd his courtesy. + 'My Son, a Captain of the Guards, intends + 'Once more in Portugal to see his Friends: + 'I would not suffer him to take this trip, + 'You know, dear Admiral, in a common Ship.' + 'Oh, by no means, Sir John, I'm pleased, I own; + 'A Frigate soon will sail; 'tis the Pomone. + 'Your Son on board can go when he has leisure, + 'Carteret[27] I'm sure'll receive him with great pleasure; + 'He'll find in him, you safely may depend, + 'A thorough Seaman, Gentleman, and Friend.' + Sir John express'd his hopes some future Day + He might his kind civility repay. + Should the good Admiral to Town repair, + He hoped to see him in St. James's Square; + Or should he some small object have in hand, + His little interest was at his Command. + + The time now pass'd in viewing every Sight, + The Dock-yards, Ramparts, and the Isle of Wight. + Our Knight, to help his memory, now wrote + His observations down, by way of Note. + The Lines, and Ramparts his attention takes, } + The muddy Ditches, and the slimy Lakes. } + Note[28]--'Guineas I'm sure were here made Ducks and Drakes.' } + Then o'er the Dock-yard eagerly he pores, + Surveys around the Barrels, Masts, and Stores. + The Anchors, Rope-house, and the Piles of Staves; + Note--'I'm sure these Fellows are a pack of Knaves. + 'Sad Peculation here midst great and small, + 'There's waste of Hemp enough to hang them all.' + The Shoals of Vessels too, that lay in Ordinary, + Our honest Knight considered most extraordinary. + While of our Ships, the French did Prizes make, + And at our Harbours' mouth our Vessels take. + Note--'Something here was very much amiss; + 'And were they not our _Friends_, should swing for this.' + Not at this time a word he meant to say, + But snugly kept it for some future Day. + + While Dad was gravely making each remark, + John saw his Nags and Baggage safe embark; + Saw the dexterity with which they whip + The horse with Tackle safely in the Ship. + So firmly managed, yet with so much care, + Rais'd from the ground, suspended in the air, + The astonish'd Animal without a check + Is gently lower'd till he gains the Deck. + John found the Knight, whose head now chiefly run + On the sad way the Nation's work was done; + When having Dined, and o'er the social Glass, + He said--'Dear Boy, strange things may come to pass, + ''Tis right, as now our Party has the sway, + 'All must be right they do, and all they say. + 'But, should the Minister get his dismission, + 'Our Party then will be in Opposition; + ''Tis then for us to Badger, and to vex 'em-- + 'I've got some ticklers here, that will perplex 'em. + 'Interest now tells us it would be absurd + 'Of these vile Rogueries, to say a word, + 'But if they oust us, then without a doubt + 'Our bounden Duty is to tell it out; + 'For should my Friends so shamefully be treated, + 'I'll let the Nation know how it is cheated.' + Next morn a Midshipman by times brought word + That Captain _Newcome_ must repair on Board; + The Captain's compliments, to let him know + The Wind was fair, the Ship to Sea must go. + The Knight his Son saw ready to depart, + Affectionately press'd him to his heart: + 'Adieu! dear Johnny! I shall be in pain + 'Until I see you safe return again; + 'Adieu! dear Son! my happiness enfold you, + 'But pray remember all that I have told you: + 'Write to me, John, whenever you are able, + 'Disguise your meaning, wrap it up in Fable.[29] + 'You understand me, John'--then squeez'd his hand; + John in the Boat was quickly row'd from Land-- + Soon reach'd the Frigate, which without delay + Her Topsails haul'd, and gently bore away. + + And now our Knight with solitary pace + Did to the Fountain Inn his way retrace; + Tired of himself, he there express'd his will-- + 'To have his Chaise and Four, and have his Bill.' + The bill produced; 'What's this I see? why Zounds! + 'For three days' living, six and fifty pounds![30] + 'Myself, and Son, two Servants, and no more-- + 'A Bill like this I never saw before.' + ''Twas true, Sir John, but _meat_, Sir John, was dear; + 'It was, Sir John, a bad time of the Year.' + 'Aye, aye, 'tis plain, egad! I see it now, + 'You charge D----d dear, my friend, for every Bow.' + In Carriage seated--paid; but swore he meant + 'To lay the Bill before the Parliament.' + To London went Post-haste, with thoughtful cares, + Now of his Son, and now on State Affairs. + + Brisk was the Gale, with clear, uncloudy Weather; + Brisk was John's heart, for he was in high Feather. + His rising Prospects, as he looked around-- + What limits now could his Ambition bound? + In Fortune, Fashion, Rank, conspicuous shone, + From Eastern Hemisphere, a Rising Sun.[31] + At Starting Posts, with Note-book, took his stand, + Or, midst the gaping throng, drove Four in hand-- + He'd gamed with Princes, drank with Duke and Peer, + Was foremost in the Field in Leicestershire. + All this, 'tis true, conspired to give a claim, + A _Newcome_ Title to notorious Fame; + And was, no doubt, most grateful to his Vanity-- + Still 'twas a Trifling, Tonish, Tincture of Insanity. + Ardent he longed with gallant Hosts to Muster, + And by Achievement gain a Warlike lustre. + He wish'd 'mongst Heroes to be rank'd and known, + An Emanation from himself alone. + + Alert and active, stretched is every Sail, + To catch the impulse from the ready Gale; + The Frigate glides with smooth and steady sweep + O'er the wide surface of th' unfathomed Deep. + In elegance and ease they pass'd each Day, + The willing Breeze impell'd them on their Way. + + The Rock of Lisbon, towering in height-- + St. Julian's Castle open'd to their Sight. + With press of Sail the Tagus now explore, + And Johnny greets the Lusitanian Shore. + His thanks return'd for this most pleasant Trip, + With glowing spirits soon he left the Ship. + + With all the Guardsman's Nonchalance and Grace, + First to the Envoy's he directs his pace. + A kind reception he should meet he knew, + A Guardsman's Costume is, a _passe par tout_. + Besides from People in the highest Station + He'd Letters too of strongest commendation. + + The Envoy[32] was a Man of shrewd discerning, + A Man of Wit, of Fashion, and of Learning; + Perused the Letters, said, in Friendly way, + 'You'll make my House your home, Sir, while you stay; + 'For you must know this Casa where I dwell, + 'Is by the Quizzers called, the Guards' Hotel.' + Our Hero thanked him for the Friendly offer-- + It was a pleasing and a flattering proffer. + + Sir Charles possessed, with elegance and ease, + The power of pleasing, and the will to please. + Our John was pleas'd--such offers don't offend, + A sumptuous Table, with a lively Friend. + + All this arranged, John thought it right he now + Should on the General[33] wait, and make his Bow; + A Guardsman too, and strictly to his tether, + Adhered to the Old adage, 'Birds of a Feather,' + John, as a Guardsman soon had his _entre_, + Greeted, and closeted without delay. + For Men in power great etiquette observe + (A necessary caution, and reserve), + Not that I would insinuate that here + There was more exercised than should appear. + + The General was obliging, courteous, kind, + A Man of much urbanity of Mind; + But, Guardsman like, as I have said before, + Felt, as a Guardsman, the _Esprit du corps_. + + One observation I must introduce + By way of hint, it perhaps may be of use; + A grateful system by the Duke[34] observ'd, + That he who first arrives, the first is serv'd. + An honour to his head and heart eternal, + The Ensign's often seen before the Colonel. + I'm warranted in this my Postulatum, + For it, by general sanction, _est Probatum_. + + John seated, now did Anecdotes relate + Of Fashion, Gallantry, and of the Great; + Who lost at Boodles--who supposed the winner-- + The Whispers, Bagatelles, at the Guard Dinner; + In Fashionable life, who went astray-- + Whose Daughter slipped--whose Wife had ran away; + Who was the reigning beauty--who the Toast-- + Who at a certain House now ruled the Roast; + Whose gay Barouche was sporting in the Park-- + What was become of W----l and Ma'am C----k; + What Wolf in patriot clothing went disguis'd-- + What Machinations 'gainst the State devis'd; + Who of our Army systems made a Route-- + Who talked of Things, which they knew nought about. + + The General listen'd, and enjoy'd the jokes + (He'd herded too with Fashionable Folks); + Shook Johnny by the hand, express'd his sorrow + 'He was engaged to-day, but hoped to-morrow + 'The Captain would at half-past five repair + 'To meet some Friends, and take his homely Fare.' + + 'Twas late, but Johnny nicked it to a T, + The Envoy's dinner hour was half-past Three. + John heartily enjoy'd the good Repast, + And Bumpers fill'd when e'er the Bottle pass'd. + At Envoys' Tables, and some others, I think + They give full time to Eat, but not to Drink. + I know not that to Wine they have a loathing, + Perhaps 'tis a custom, something like their Clothing: + For I've observ'd at all their Routes and Balls + Legation Gentry put on Reg'mentals.[35] + + At early hour our Envoy did insist + Our noble Captain should cut in at Whist + Before he went to bed--he rose a Winner; + Then with the General next day took his Dinner. + By times in Morn, again he travell'd down + To Belem, purposely to call on B----n. + No change had driven from his grateful Mind + The former conduct--gentle, mild, and kind; + Nor Wealth, nor Grandeur could his heart controul, + His was the impulse of an honest soul. + 'Feeling!' could Johnny now expose that vulgar passion, + 'Exploded, obsolete, so out of Fashion': + But Johnny was not spoiled in that particular, + Old Friends to meet erect, and Perpendicular; + So flew with rapture to the Barrack-yard, + To seek his former Chum, kind-hearted Ward. + His hand thrust out, when his Friend he espies, + With honest pleasure sparkling in his Eyes. + + 'How are you, Ward? by Jove, I'm glad to meet you; + 'Give me your Fist--I with much pleasure greet you. + 'How fat you're grown! I say, you lively Varlet, + 'You're still a stickler for the bit of Scarlet. + 'I'll tell you what it is, you D----d old Sinner, + 'I purposely came down to Storm your Dinner-- + 'Parade your Beef, my Boy, and don't be fine. + 'I say, Friend Ward, how stands your stock of Wine?' + Then whispered in his Ear, of Men in power; + Dinners D----d fine, but Wine for half an Hour. + + Ward was delighted, charm'd, and gratified, + To find Friend John, without a spark of pride; + He thought his former Friends would off be thrown, + When, for the Guards, he'd quitted the King's Own. + + 'And I,' said Ward, 'dear _Newcome_, for my part, + 'Am glad to see you back, with all my heart. + 'But come along--I do not boast variety, + 'The poorest fare's a Feast with good Society. + 'We will reverse the thing, for at my Treat, + 'We'll drink like Fishes, tho' no Fish to eat. + ''Tis thus we Soldiers live, it can't be worse, + 'Always on Beef, and with an empty Purse.' + 'Of honest Beef,' says John, 'pray don't speak slighting; + ''Tis thought, you know, our stimulant to Fighting: + 'Its loss to Britons is the worst of Evils-- + 'Give them but Beef enough, they'll fight like Devils. + 'But this I know,' says John, 'at our great Battle + 'Our Commissaries really had no Cattle; + 'And though our Lads had scarcely aught to Eat, + 'The Enemy in famous style they Beat.' + + An Officer observed, 'Now where's the wonder? + 'The hardy Vagabonds, smelt out the Plunder: + 'I've seen the Rogues dash to the very Muzzle, + 'But all for Plunder, all to get a Guzzle.' + + 'Come, come,' says John, 'now that a mere pretence is, + 'Tho' drunk the Foe, we Fight in sober senses. + 'For if a Drunkard Fights, they can't do less to him-- + 'First beat him, then get Drunk, Drinking success to him.'[36] + + The Commandant now took up the debate: + 'Our Troops no doubt at first were in sad state; + 'All Ranks and all Departments were the same; + 'The Chief harsh censures was obliged to frame: + 'Reduced by Discipline, not now so Fiery, + 'Our Book of Orders is a Newgate Diary. + 'The way I estimate a British Soldier-- + 'He's stouter than a Frenchman, and is bolder; + 'But such a set of wanton idle Knaves![37] + 'You're forced, by G--d! to treat them all like Slaves. + 'It shocks one's nature, outrages one's feeling, + 'Compell'd to use such rough and rigorous dealing.' + + 'Idle,' says one, 'see them on out-post planted, + 'A cold and frosty Night, and firing wanted; + 'Tho' merely for their comfort and their good, + 'No man will Volunteer to fetch in wood.[38] + 'Orders I've given, and very often Rum for't-- + 'You're forced to coax them, to consult their comfort. + 'Look at the French; those active lively Elves + 'Are always Devilish careful of themselves. + 'John Bull will Fight, and take their Post by Storm, + 'Then coolly round their Fires have a warm.' + + The Toast went round, & then with brimmers flowing, + The Guests were getting wiser, and more knowing. + 'Here come, my friends,' says Ward, 'each take your Potion, + 'Here's to a speedy and a quick Promotion!' + + 'Aye,' says another, 'that's all mere derision; + 'Promotion's one thing--give me the provision. + 'What signifies the Rank; with truth I say, + 'Some Generals have but half a pound a Day[39];-- + 'High Rank no doubt is merely but a Cheat, + 'Unless with it we something get to eat. + 'Men who have interest rise, there is no doubt; + 'The Rich get all--the poor Man goes without.' + 'Merit,' says B--n, 'it is my fixed belief, + 'Leads merely to Promotion with our Chief. + 'Some instances, I candidly must own, + 'That don't originate with Him alone. + 'Others are oft indulged to recommend + '(A small convenience to serve a Friend); + 'And when for folly, interest makes a Push, + 'The Chief assents, no doubt, but with a Blush.' + + 'Ah, well! some rise, we know, without _Achievance_.[40] + 'You know, Friend B--n, we've every one our Grievance. + 'Come, push about the Glass, and drown Hostilities-- + 'Men who have interest rise, D--n their Abilities.' + + 'True, honest Ward,' says John; 'I'm one I know it: + 'Give us a Song, my Boy! a good one--go it!' + + Now Song and Glass, and Glee alternate roll, + Reason now left it to the flow of Soul. + At length, good Night! and John got in his Chaise; + He'd not forgot the Feast of former Days. + The Fleet arriv'd, his Equipage on Shore, + As John considered purchasing a Bore. + His Groom four Mules had bought, for he was heedful, + With all the Tackle, every thing was needful. + John took his leave, with all things in good plight, + Dashed with his Suite, for Santarem that Night. + + +END OF PART I. OF SEQUEL + + +[Illustration: _Dash'd with his Suite for Santarem that Night._] + + +FOOTNOTES + +[25] At the close of the American War, such a number of Officers retired +so astonishingly enriched, that it is imagined it excited the jealousy +of Government. Hence enquiries and investigations were made; means +were taken to put a stop to such iniquitous practices; and His Royal +Highness, the Commander-in-Chief, has since taken measures to put an +effectual termination to such disgraceful conduct. + +I speak from authority when I assert, that when the Peace of 1783 +took place, one Military Officer retired to his own Country (a Sister +Kingdom) with the enormous Sum of L190,000, when the income arising from +his Regimental Commission, together with his Staff situation, could not +have been equal to L1000 a-year. He was seven years on service in +America. + +[26] It is certainly a gross imposition on the Public, but falls +particularly heavy on the Naval and Military departments. + +[27] The Officer whose gallantry took a praam in Boulogne Harbour, in +sight of Buonaparte. + +[28] We have seen M----rs of P----t driving to places, and scrutinizing +into matters that did not concern them; when, had they turned their +active powers to the circumstances above mentioned, they at least would +have obtained more credit, and perhaps not have subjected themselves to +a disgraceful defeat and general contempt. + +[29] It has been whispered, that strange means were resorted to in order +to get at the opinions of men in high rank, respecting the operations +on the Peninsula. I own I do not credit the malicious story, but, as +Sir John was conversant in state politics, I must leave him to form his +own conjectures, and his directing his son to write typically might be +defended. + +[30] A _true_ Bill. + +[31] Many 'wise Men have come from the East,' of late Years. + +[32] The Right Honourable Sir Charles Stuart, K.B., &c. &c. + +[33] Major-General Peacocke, of the Guards. + +[34] The custom was introduced by H.R.H. the Duke of York, and is as +follows: if any Officer, no matter the Rank he may hold, is desirous +to pay a dutiful respect to the Commander of the Forces, or may have +business to transact with His Royal Highness, he is directed to repair +to the Horse-Guards at an early hour, on the day appointed for the +Levee, and write down his Name and Rank in a list presented to him. He +is then told at what hour the Duke commences his Levee, and according +to the situation of the Signatures on the list, he is introduced. + +A similar system is observed at the Offices of the Adjutant and +Quarter-Master-General. + +[35] I am afraid I expose my ignorance in making this remark; but, as +I observed, those Gentlemen were not all dressed in the same kind of +Uniform: (for instance, one in the Uniform of the Guards; another in +the Uniform of some Militia Corps; a third, in the Uniform of a Light +Regiment; but all with two blazing Epaulettes) I must own I was puzzled +in endeavouring to account for this Masquerading. + +[36] This has happened in a variety of instances; but particularly at +the storming of St. Sebastian, where our Soldiers were seen arm in arm, +Drunk, with the French Soldiers, and actually tumbling over the Bodies +of their dead Companions. + +[37] This is a melancholy truth. The immorality of the British Soldier +is disgusting, and it is only by strict attention and severe discipline +it is at all kept within bounds. + +[38] The astonishing difficulties against which Lord Wellington had to +struggle, from the disorganized state of his Army, may, in some respect, +be understood by reverting to his Lordship's General Orders. Three +volumes are filled with recapitulations of General Courts-Martial. + +[39] The handsome addition of Pay to General Officers is highly +creditable to those who originally were the promoters of so well-timed +a remuneration. + +[40] I am but a poor Poet, and if I have taken the advantage in the +invention of the word _achievance_ in this instance, I hope I may be +excused, as we have instances of the richest Poets having done the same. + +In respect to the term Grievance, I conceive it does not require +explanation in our Military classes. + + + + +SEQUEL TO THE MILITARY ADVENTURES OF JOHNNY NEWCOME + +PART II + + + + +SEQUEL TO THE MILITARY ADVENTURES OF JOHNNY NEWCOME + +PART II + + + John lost no time, saw Guarda, and Almeida, + Then rattled 'cross the Mountains to Freinada; + In haste repaired to the great Chieftain's Hall, + To give his Letters, and to make his Call. + John enter'd in, and in that temper found him, + Diffusing ease and pleasure all around him. + + 'Your ardour, _Newcome_, much deserves requiting, + 'To leave St. James's Square and share our Fighting. + 'Here, Aylmer! in next Orders let there be + '_Newcome_'s appointment, extra A. D. C. + 'Well, what's the fancy now, and what's the Hoax? + 'Our list of broken heads may please the Folks? + 'If we're successful, then 'tis mighty well; + 'If not--by God! they send us all to Hell.'[41] + + 'Why, true, my Lord!' says John, 'it is well known + 'That any small reverse will cast them down; + 'But by success crown'd, our City Stumpers + 'Will, with their Venison, swallow us in Bumpers. + 'To talk of War, and Blood, no doubt is fine + 'In a whole Skin--and that Skin full of Wine.' + + 'Why don't they hand us out their Goods & Chattles? + 'We should with much more pleasure Fight their Battles. + 'But, as it is, I trust the next Campaign + 'I shall drive all the Rascals out of Spain. + '_Newcome_, remember you're attached to me: + 'Good Morning now--you'll find your way at Three.' + + Thus spoke the Noble Chief; in whom combin'd + A sportive fancy, an immortal Mind-- + Who Pomp repell'd, and Pageantry of Show, + And scorn'd the Homage, which from thence did flow; + Simply attir'd, he sought th' embattled Plain, } + No studied Splendour, no refulgent Fame, } + Could add one Bud of Laurel to his Name. } + +[Illustration: _Johnny on Duty with his Chief._] + + This was an Honour rather unexpected, + And John's acknowledgments were not neglected. + Congratulations flowed from all around-- + Such follows favour, whensoe'er it's found. + What ever Way he did his Footsteps bend, + Johnny was sure to meet a hearty Friend. + I'm High in Luck, such Friendships do accrue me-- + 'But when I was Sub, why no one knew me.' + For John full well knew where the secret lay-- + Those were the Friendships of a Prosperous Day. + + Prosperity, like Poverty, you'll find. + Holds a strange influence o'er the Human Mind. + On Memory's[42] Compass are so adverse set, + Remember, and, Remember to forget. + John knew his Friends, & at what price he bought 'em, + So nods, and How d'ye's, gave to all that sought 'em. + + Now smiling Spring (such are Poetic Styles) + Saluted John with her effulgent Smiles: + This led him to commence his Operations, + To make, as Dad advised, his Observations. + Though for an A. D. C. the Chief did take him, + Neither his sense, or judgment did forsake him.[43] + When his Bucephoelus he got astride + 'Twas for more purposes than merely ride; + Something picks up, which ever way he Steers, + Making a proper use of Eyes, and Ears. + + Some Men have Eyes, and Ears, and yet you find + They merely see the Day, and hear the Wind; + But ask them, and 'tis plain they do not know + What causes Light of Day, or Wind to Blow. + + John was a famous Horseman, and oft went + With various Orders, by the Chieftain sent; + Eager, and bold, he round the Country rode, + True cut of Leicestershire, and Cattle good. + At various times, with various Parties mixt, + On different Objects his attention fixt; + Saw all the Stations in his varying Courses, + The Quarters, and Cantonments of the Forces; + Artillery, Hospitals, Forage-yards, and Stores, + Cavalry, Infantry, Light Troops, Cacadores; + Made it his Business, took much pains and care + To ascertain the State in which each were: + Dined with the Great, and mingled with their Minions, + Treasur'd their observations, and opinions. + + As in the World those know each other best + Where much familiarity's the Test, + A shallow Rogue may secret up a Comment, + Or free expression of unguarded Moment; + But urged by vanity, he can't be Mute, + And blabs to shew he's Clever and Acute. + Then wiser Folks, with very little Pains, + Will undermine his Head, and pick his Brains. + + John angled well, and to his fullest Wish, + Lured with the small, and took the largest Fish: + Nor slacked his search, nor object did forget, + 'Till with rich Stores he'd fairly fill'd his Net. + + Sir John had often made a resolution, + To speechify about the Constitution. + He with the Livery stood in some repute, + 'That there's,' 'as how's,' 'd'ye see's,' did just them suit. + And then each day in Speech he bolder grew, + And 'midst their Broils, shoved in a word, or two. + But in the House, when he to speak arose, + And would the labours of his mind disclose, + When all was silent, every Muzzle Mum-- + He could not make a Speech--who made a Plum. + + But Johnny's turn had kindled fresh his hopes, + He'd now in Figures flourish, and in Tropes. + This secret in his heart he'd closely pent; + This it was led him wholly to consent, + When John express'd his ardent wish again + To join Lord Wellington the next Campaign; + This led him all his influence to use, + That John might go, to send him Home the News; + This led to giving John his strict directions + About his Scrutinizing and Inspections; + To bid him earnestly take special care + To see the Troops, and write him what they were: + Meaning on this to make a grand Oration, + Both to astonish, and amaze the Nation. + His adverse system too had not forgot-- + His Speech should hit like double-headed Shot. + + If seated snugly on the Treasury Bench, + 'This mighty Force,' yet did his friends _Retrench_; + But if on t' other side he took his Post, + 'This mighty Force,' _th' enormous sums it Cost_. + He culled high-sounding words too, for th' occasion, + Material, Bivouac, Demoralization. + Yet poor Sir John, tho' much he'd heard, and read, + Felt still aware how treacherous was his Head; + Tho' yet he laboured like a Brewer's Dray-Horse, + 'Twas but to Bother, and increase the Chaos. + Tho' battled hard some fixt idea to gain, + No, not one particle would ere remain. + + A sudden brilliant thought, just then occurred, + Which to accomplish he'd not be deterred. + Then anxious on this darling object bent, + Purchased a Seat for John in Parliament. + Thus reinforc'd, he'd take up his Position-- + Johnny could give him Stores of Ammunition, + And if deserted by his treacherous Mind, + Johnny might snugly prompt him from behind. + + Our Knight now with redundancy of Joy + His thoughts communicated to his Boy, + In haste indites a Letter to Sir John, + Explaining every thing he would have done; + Hoped with his aid, his object he'd complete-- + Wished him all happiness in his new Seat. + 'Write, my dear John, as often as you can, + 'But as we're circumstanced, pursue this Plan,-- + 'The prying Folks my object now to pose is, + 'So frame your Letter in a metamorphosis. + 'One Letter you can straight direct to me-- + 'Another send to Ludgate, as the Key. + 'That by this means we shall our secret smother, + 'One can't be understood, without the other.' + 'Twas odd enough that Johnny in his mind + Was working at a plan of similar kind. + Dad's welcome News his spirits did elate, + That he was now a Member of the State. + New hopes were busy in his sanguine breast, + Perhaps by th' Speaker he might be addrest. + Should he by chance some Gallant deed Achieve, + He might th' Honourable Speaker's thanks receive. + 'Twas usual that, when Heroes took their Seat, + A flowery flow of grateful thanks to meet. + Whate'er John thought, he'd not point out a Flaw, + The Speaker surely'd not offend the Law. + His praise, so general, savour'd of Insanity, + Tho' often just--it flatter'd each one's Vanity. + Now in true earnest set about his Task, + Followed old Dad's advice and took the Mask. + He knew in Martial Life that Truth no jest is, + Their Courts of Honour were their Courts of Justice. + He would, if possible, the Truth relate, + Devoid of malice, naught extenuate. + Dad would his secret keep, he could depend; + As for himself, he meant not to offend: + But should perchance his secret be let out, + 'Twas a mere Bagatelle to laugh about. + Should he in Metaphoric style transpose + Men into Beasts, or Parsons into Crows-- + Those who could be displeased he should disarm, + His was mere trifling, really meant no harm; + If, tho' in his delineation free, + It would be seen, 'twas mere necessity. + + At length his ardent object to pursue, + A Schedule of his means he briefly drew, + All that had come within his observation, + And thus proceeded on with his Narration. + + 'By way of Introduction, you must know, + 'It was, I think, but a few Years ago + 'The Widow's[44] intellects here were at a stand; + 'Her Son then took to Farming of the Land. + 'If there's bad management, it always shows, + ''Twas out of Heart, and overrun with Crows.[45] + 'Such a D----n'd flight of Crows did shocking harm-- + 'A few, we know, are useful to a Farm. + 'The Squire,[46] 'tis said, did naught but Eat, & Pray, + 'Fearing his precious Soul might go astray. + 'The Farm tho' bad, and in such piteous case, + 'Was situated in a lovely Place. + 'The Air was charming, and the Soil was sound-- + 'No wonder Neighbours hanker'd for the Ground. + 'So Foreign[47] Ants, and Locusts left their Station, + 'With other Vermin from a distant Nation, + 'Advanced in Hosts, and soon without controul, + 'With little trouble occupied the whole. + 'Fled to a Ship, the Squire the Canvas fills, + 'To see a Farm he had at the Brazils: + 'But he, before he boldly ventured forth, + 'Wrote to his Friend, a Farmer[48] in the North; + 'Trusting he would without delay determine + 'To send some clever Chap to kill the Vermin: + 'When that was done, he should return again, + 'And so his loving Cousin did remain. + 'The honest Man to whom he sent his Letter, + 'A wealthy Farmer was, none could be better; + 'He'd famous Implements, and famous Stock,[49] + 'And truly was a Father to his Flock. + 'His Shepherds,[50] Salesmen, Butchers, and his Stud, + 'Were all well chosen, capitally good: + 'His Stock[51] at times with wild vagaries tired him, + 'But in their hearts they honour'd and admir'd him; + 'One here and there would not from mischief keep-- + 'You find in every Flock, a few bad Sheep. + 'This Letter[52] gave the Farmer much alarm-- + ''Twas like enough they might infest his Farm. + 'He'd send a Shepherd, who with little labour, + 'Should clear the Lands of his poor frighten'd neighbour. + 'So sent a Stock best suited for the Soil, + 'Led by a Shepherd[53] from a Neighbouring Isle; + 'Who wisely at the first a footing got, + 'Then drove the Vermin from around that Spot;[54] + 'Would, as 'tis said, completed soon the job,-- + 'Spite, like a Thief, did from his Laurels rob. + 'Two elder Shepherds[55] came--and what was hard, + 'With their D----n'd nonsense all his projects mar'd. + 'If they were sent his active powers to fetter, + 'Of those who did it, less that's said the better. + 'Ere since that time he's toil'd both Night and Day, + 'And from this Farm the Vermin clear'd away. + + 'Pre-eminently now he stands alone, + 'Lov'd, and obey'd by all as Chief Patrone; + 'In manners easy, wonderful in Mind, + 'Jocose, familiar with the humblest Hind.[56] + 'But that's so wisely temper'd, so superior, + 'Commanding due respect from each Inferior. + + 'His Shepherds[57] tho' have caused him much anxiety, + 'Such numbers sent from Home, and such variety; + 'Some from all Countries, German, Irish, British-- + 'Some staid enough, but many Cursed skittish: + 'Many from Envy--rancorous, and jealous, + 'Esteem'd themselves most mighty clever Fellows, + 'Would mar the Scheme that he'd so ably planned, + 'Had he not held them with a steady Hand. + 'Some swore he always studied to insult them, + 'There peep'd the Cloven foot--he'd not consult them. + 'He wisely judged, and smiled at the attack-- + 'He knew the whole concern was on his Back: + 'Had things gone wrong, he knew so well their trim, + 'Done what he would, they'd shoved the Blame on Him. + + 'Lots of Young Shepherds came, and it a fact is, + 'Some Prudence wanted, but all wanted Practice. + 'So proud to tend a Flock, they'd scorn denial, + 'The Patron therefore took them all[58] on Trial: + 'Kept those with him he thought most apt to learn, + 'The others recommended to return. + + 'Now, my good Friend, 'tis thus the matter stands, + 'No farmer can produce more able Hands. + + 'One more Patron[59] also, there will be found + 'Who[60] Farms exclusively this Bit of Ground. + 'Of him I cannot speak, I know him not, + 'You'll get his Character from Walter Scott: + 'Of his pretensions I am in the Dark, + 'But Folks pronounce him a D----n'd lucky Spark. + 'That wond'rous Poet's praise I can't him grudge, + 'As Mr. Scott must be a better judge. + + 'A largish Family our Chief attends, + 'Two, or three Shepherds,[61] he retains his Friends. + 'One that inspects the Roads, the Lands Survey, } + 'Marks out the Pens, for fear the Herds might Stray, } + 'Esteem'd a much superior Fellow in his Way. } + 'Another[62] has the charge of his Accounts, + 'Corrects the Bills, and adds up the Amounts: + 'A third,[63] his Private matters does indite,-- + 'They're both extremely Clever, and Polite. + + 'Then he's a numerous Gang of Shepherd Boys,[64] + 'Some go on errands, others kept as Toys. + 'One Youth[65] amidst this lively Group appears, + 'Victim to Miscreants in his early Years, + 'Nobly came forth to act an humble part, + 'T' obtain a knowledge of the Farming Art: + 'Fearless encounters Danger and Disaster, + 'To be the Pupil of so great a Master. + 'A Youth like him to every virtue prone, + 'Britannia's lovely Gem must make her own. + 'Then shoals of Salesmen,[66] travelling in all Weathers, + 'You know them by their Spur, long Swords, and Feathers. + 'Smuggling, 'tis said, is grown to such a Pitch, + 'That all these Feather'd Rogues are getting Rich. + 'But Folks say any thing for the sake of chatter-- + 'I don't believe a word about the matter: + 'If in their course of Duty, and Employment, + 'A Hare pick up, by way of some enjoyment, + 'That's quite enough to give the Rogues a Name-- + '"See, these D----n'd Salesmen! why, they live on Game!" + + 'Then here's a swarm of Butchers,[67] great and small, + 'Some for the Carcase, others for the Stall. + 'One Master Butcher[68] o'er the rest presides, + 'And with the Patron usually resides: + 'Their Journeymen, Apprentices, and Men, + 'Distributed among each Flock and Pen.[69] + ''Tis wisely done to have them on the Spot, + 'To keep them free from Murrain, and the Rot: + 'Dexterous they are, and in their judgment sound, + 'To amputate a Limb, and cure a Wound. + + 'Our Worthy, good Patron, with grief it fills + 'To send the Farmer Home their Monstrous Bills.[70] + 'Much as he likes the Chase--it does him shock + 'To see so many worried of his Flock. + 'In their Profession admirably skilled; + 'That Arm, no doubt, could not be better filled. + 'Skilful as they extract, and Bleed, and Cup, + 'I hope my worthy Friends won't Cut me up. + + 'Our Patron too, has got a Lot of Dogs[71] + 'To clear the Woods and Fences, Fields and Bogs: + 'They're chiefly Pointers, but of various sorts-- + 'Some Guard the Flocks, others for Field Sports. + 'They're wond'rous docile, so well Broke, and Tame, + 'Whene'er they point, they're certain of their Game. + 'Many attach'd to Herds[72]--but all have Marks, + 'The Deep-toned,[73] Wide-mouth'd ones are kept in Parks. + 'Steady, and staunch, whene'er the Huntsman calls, + 'They follow up the Game, nor heed Stone Walls. + 'The Master Huntsman[74] is a Man well known + 'To be in favour with the great Patron. + 'And then his underlings[75] of every sort, + 'Are Keen, and able Fellows for the Sport. + + 'Added to these, should Flocks or Herds run riot, + 'There's Whippers-in[76] enough to keep them quiet. + + 'The various Stock is parcelled with precision, + 'So many Herds are put in each Division. + 'The Flocks of Sheep, & Droves of Mules & Goats,[77] + 'Distinguished are by Marks upon their Coats. + 'The Mules are in one Drove, and altogether, + 'They're chiefly Stalled, or fastened to a Tether: + 'Tho' famous Animals, it does appear + 'They rather wildish ran the latter Year; + 'Their Grooms were careless, so 'tis given out, + 'Or knew not, really, what they were about. + 'The Mules, it seems, were after Forage lurking, + 'And so, to fill their Paunch, avoided working,[78] + 'I'll only this observe, as all is past, + 'It was a general fault, from first to last. + 'A few pick'd Shepherds[79] too, 'tis fair to Name, + 'Tho' all are good, not good alike the same. + + 'The First[80] who stands upon our Patron's Book + 'For Foreign Parts, he early Home forsook-- + 'Good-humoured, gay, yet one can well descry + 'There's much intelligence marked in his Eye; + 'He's oft detached with largish Flocks, and Droves + 'To take advantage of the neighbouring Groves: + 'I have not room his qualities to tell, + 'He does his business, and he does it well; + 'From sturdy Stem of Shropshire he's a Limb, + 'The proud Salopians may be proud of Him. + + 'Then there's a rich old Shepherd,[81] fra' the North, + 'A braver Man ne'er stept on this side Forth. + 'Tho' master of a Farm, and oldish grown, + 'He slighted all to serve with our Patron; + 'Lively, and brisk, and, tho' good-temper'd, rough-- + 'Scott's praise of Him is scarcely praise enough. + + 'Here's too a gaudy Shepherd,[82] come from Cheshire, + 'Much like the rest I think, but rather fresher. + 'The little I shall say needs no apology, + 'The Speaker has, I know, pronounc'd his Eulogy. + 'He manages the Mules, mark'd Red and Blue, + 'Doing it well, he has enough to do. + + 'Then there's another Roister,[83] also, fra' the North, + 'And like his Countryman, as High in worth; + 'I know him well, and my opinion's such, + 'Say what I will, I cannot say too much. + 'With Southern Farmers, this may cause a Smile, + 'The Scots are Farmers in superior Style. + + 'Another Shepherd[84] also in request + 'Is very justly placed amongst the Best; + 'Ardent, and Brave, for Glory does aspire, + 'And such a sentiment one must admire. + 'If any trifling fault we to him lay, + 'He's anxious over-much--for so they say. + + 'Here's a brisk Irish Lad[85] too, Devil a better, + 'Who at the Vermin is a rattling Setter; + 'Connected with the great Patron, 'tis true, + 'But his Abilities will bear him through. + + 'Fain would I now describe in Epigram + 'A bold descendant of Sir David Gam.[86] + 'Connected to this Taffy blood, we find + 'A noble Soul, and an expansive Mind; + 'In Fields of Glory he such progress made, + 'His Laurels now afford him ample Shade. + + 'Another too, a lively Irish Fellow,[87] + 'Time, perhaps, may soften down, and render mellow; + 'Impetuous by Nature, often Rash, + 'But Stout, and Sturdy, famous at a Dash. + + 'And one more fra' the North,[88] that I must mention, + 'Who's influenc'd no doubt by just intention; + 'For Zeal, and Ardour he to none may yield, + 'And thought an active Fellow in the Field. + 'One more[89] I'll mention, as I think it fair, + 'That where there's merit, it should have its share; + 'Bold, Active, Mild, Intelligent, and Pleasant, + 'Liked by his charge, from Herdsman to the Peasant. + + 'There's Lots of others too, most Gallant Spirits, + 'Volumes would not do justice to their merits; + 'Suffice it must to say, their Country's weal + 'Can never be sustain'd by nobler Zeal. + + 'I'll now describe how is arrang'd the Stock, + 'The distribution of each Herd, and Flock: + 'A Master Shepherd is attach'd to each, + 'The whole to manage, ignorant to teach. + 'A Junior to each Flock, Clerk, Surveyor,[90] + 'A Whipper-in also, to catch the Strayer,-- + 'Herdsmen and Salesmen[91]--perhaps two Dogs or more, + 'To scare away the Vermin with their Roar; + 'These, well dispos'd, and parcell'd o'er the Land, + 'At once pourtrays the able Master's Hand. + 'All are so excellent, and in such Heart, + 'Thirsting for Glory, panting for the Start. + + 'Some Flocks there are, the produce of those Lands, + 'Whose Shepherds were not reckon'd able Hands: + ''Twas evident their Stock should be new moulded, + 'And under skilful Hands, fresh Penn'd, and Folded.[92] + 'An Irish Shepherd,[93] now a Patron named, + 'Who for Interior management was famed, + 'Was bid to put, and in good order keep, + 'This Lot of loose, disorder'd, scurvy Sheep. + 'It was an arduous job, with danger fraught, + 'And justly so describ'd by Mr. Scott. + 'But, ere he could this business undertake, + 'Some Shepherds,[94] Herdsmen, Hinds, was forced to make, + 'Many from Britain, most from Ireland chose, + 'Interest, they say, in this did interpose. + 'There's something always blameable appears, + 'Whate'er's the job, where interest interferes; + 'But in this case, amongst the Numbers sent, + 'Saving a Few, the rest were excellent,-- + 'Who by their Skill, and active perseverance, + 'Soon gave the Flocks a different appearance,-- + 'And in small Herds, now Brousing with the rest, + 'Are estimated as the Second best. + 'Their Herdsmen too, once ignorant no doubt, + 'Seem now to understand what they're about. + 'There's also come, I'm told, some Fam'd Borachios,[95] + 'With shortish Tails, but monstrous large Mustachios; + 'One really would suppose, from their D----d braying, + 'No Vermin in the Country dare be staying. + 'They're wondrous favourites with the Squire, I've heard,-- + 'Some think their Trappings foolish, and absurd. + 'Their Herdsman too, tho' he so often blunders, + 'At home has got the Name for doing wonders. + 'Be that as't may--tho' this Drove came the latest, + 'They're much the finest Asses, and the Greatest: + 'But really I do think, when forward Straying, + 'They'll in a Gallant Style make good their Braying. + 'From Lisbon, also, on the Road to join, + 'Is a prime Lot of Large, and Royal Swine;[96] + 'They're no great Favourites with the Farmer's Heir, + 'And that He'd sell them all did oft declare. + 'He's of a different turn, and rests his Basis + 'On rearing up a famous Breed of Asses. + 'As for these Swine, I'm told they're large, and good, + 'At first were much averse to foreign Food. + 'Such a wild Row was kick'd up by the Brutes, + ''Twas all dismay, disasters, and disputes: + 'As for dismay each bristled up his Chine, + 'Grunted for finest Wheat, and then for Wine, + 'Then for disaster, their Swineherds pretend, + 'They chose to Roam, refused to be close Penn'd. + 'Disputes they had, no doubt, one with another, + 'The Swine, and Swineherds grunted at each other. + 'No wonder that these Animals play'd tricks, + 'Their Senior Swineherds all, they say, are Sticks.[97] + + 'A drove from Oxford too, are with the rest, + 'And judges say, are much by far the Best. + 'Loose as they are, the Patron has no doubt, + 'Bold as the best, they'll route the Vermin out. + + 'I've now to tell you, that in all Directions + 'Dry Forage[98] is amassed in vast Collections, + 'That when by heat, or cold the Grass is dead, + ''Tis from these Stores the Flocks & Droves are fed. + 'Warerooms of Medicine, kept with the intent + 'To cure those Sick, or hurt by accident. + + 'In short, my Friend, without exaggeration, + 'The whole reflects much credit on the Nation. + 'A nobler Stock, more healthy and complete, + 'Travel where'er you will, you'll scarcely meet. + 'No doubt Material has been well supplied; + 'But in your judgment you will soon decide, + 'That raw Materials, spoil without the aid + 'Of Workmen highly eminent in Trade,-- + 'So, the perfection of this Stock alone + 'Springs from the genius of our great Patron.' + + N. B. + 'One word, or two I merely wish to say, + 'A trifling circumstance, about the Pay:[99] + 'If an Artificer a Work engages, + 'He contracts to receive a certain Wages; + 'If that's withheld, he strikes--but here 'tis clear, + 'Our's daily strike, tho' paid but once a Year. + 'They only Strike, 'tis true; but when we need 'em, + 'Then not for Lucre, but their Country's freedom. + 'Grumble they don't, but yet it would be best, + 'To have, no doubt, some little in the Chest.' + + John having thus transcrib'd all he'd Collected, + The Letter sent, as honest Dad directed. + + The Summer Solstice did with strides advance-- + The Chief jocosely said, 'Prepare for France,' + The joke passed on, but yet it will appear, + There was more meaning lurk'd than met the Ear. + His wond'rous projects now might be effected, + Success must crown where'er his power directed. + Tho' in Field-sports he join'd for recreation + His Nobler pursuits kept in reservation. + A Gallant Army, in the finest state, + Panting for glory, did his nod await. + The toils, and labours of the late Campaigns, + His great exertions, all his cares, and Pains, + Were well repaid--for now he could fulfil + The boldest object of his Mighty Will. + + Now busy rumour of anticipation + Whispers the general movement from each Station. + And now the Staff, with air of consequence, + A question cannot solve on no pretence-- + 'When do we move? you know; come, tell us, pray.' + You move him not--he gravely moves away; + His chill reserve, his cold repulsive mien, + But hides the mighty nothings of his brain. + 'Here, _Newcome_'s in the secret; he will tell us.' + 'No, D--n me if I can, my honest Fellows. + 'I'll tell you what, my Boys, 'tis my belief, + 'There's no one in the secret but our Chief, + 'The advantages of secresy he knows, + 'No one can tell, what no one can disclose.' + As for John's part, whether 'twere False, or True, + He freely told the trifle that he knew; + It was a littleness he did despise, + The poor conceit of being suspected Wise; + But with the World he saw, that was the rule, + The resource, and refuge, of each Fool. + + 'Twas now the middle of the Month of May, + When o'er the Hills the Warlike Hosts display-- + The Colours waving in the flitting Wind, + The lengthened Columns tailing far behind. + Now the steep Mountain-cliff their steps assail, + Again descending, Wind into the Vale. + The undulating Columns o'er the Plain + Proclaim a Host in motion once again. + Fain would my Muse depict the Warlike scenery, + The awful Grandeur of the vast Machinery; + Fain make familiar to imagination + Th' effect of moving War by combination; + Fain teach unletter'd Minds to understand, + The nice cohesion of the Warlike band-- + With diffidence, this object to obtain, + I'll try the subject in my humble Strain. + + Full Eighty thousand Men, in partial Bands, + Extending wide in Quarters o'er the Lands; + All well equipp'd, by Winter's preparation, + In order most complete to quit each Station. + Cheerful, Repose, and Luxury they yield, + Following their Mighty Chieftain to the Field; + And thus in part the Warlike arts display'd + This numerous force, so skilfully array'd. + In various Bodies, Marching to one Point, + Communication kept, and no disjoint; + Parallel move--so uniformly Led, + None deviate, no Column shoots a-head. + So well preserve the distance from each other, + Contiguous Columns flanking one another. + Day, after Day, this rigidly maintain + O'er the rude Mountain, or extended Plain. + Then Glittering Herds of Cavalry appear, + Advanced in Front, on Flank, or in the Rear: + So form'd, so organiz'd, this Mighty Host, + All know their Station, every Man his Post. + Can ought be seen more wond'rous, more Sublime, + This great Machine in motion at one time; + So well dispos'd, and all so closely cling, + Receiving impulse from one active Spring? + 'Twas thus our Army open'd the Campaign, + And Lusitania left, to burst on Spain. + + Thus our great Captain led his gallant Band, + O'er the wide Plains of Leon's fertile Land; + Whilst all the Gallic Force, the Hostile Foe, + Directed by Gazon, and great King Joe, + Spread o'er the Country round, in varied Route, + Bewilder'd in perplexity, and doubt: + When t'wards the South their eager looks addrest, + The Allied Troops surpriz'd them from the West; + With all their Force array'd on Douro's Bank, + Our skilful Hero took them on the Flank; + From Salamanca bravely chased them forth, + And drove them in dismay towards the North. + Burgos blown up, Pencorva forc'd to yield, + Nor check'd their flight 'till reach'd Vittoria's Field. + Whilst o'er the Mountains, Bands of Spaniards[100] prowl, + With little order, and with less controul; + While desolation o'er their Country spread, + The High-toned Blood, the Warlike soul was fled; + Whate'er the Cause, the Motive, or the Reason, + By Fraud, by Threats, by Artifice, or Treason, + Whilst Hosts on Hosts did in succession grow, + Judge from events, they merely were for Show; + With other Troops they hold no sort of Rivalry, + Cervantes quizz'd them out of all the Chivalry. + Now all the Gallic force suspends its Flight, + And at Vittoria Centre, and Unite; + Joe, and Gazon had check'd its volitation, + And in array the Army round it Station. + Both Imbecile, and Vain, they treat with slight + The Hero and his Troops who'd caus'd their Flight. + Puff'd with conceit, they Espionage neglected, + So got a visit, sooner than expected. + Tho' he in Leon had their minds astonish'd, + Joe, and his Chum were not to be admonish'd. + For Joe was heard amidst his Dames to say, + 'That our great Lord should Dine[101] with him that Day. + 'And when he had prepar'd Ragouts and Soups, + 'He'd take the noble Lord, and Route his Troops.' + Forgetting he'd to deal with one so arch, + Who on the Vaunter neatly stole a March. + Then reconnoitring how they were dispos'd, + To all his Generals his mind disclos'd-- + The one great object, anxious to obtain, + 'To drive the Rascals fairly out of Spain.' + On twenty-first of June, made Disposition + To force the Enemy from their Position. + Full Sixty thousand Men, arrang'd in Sight + (But more inclin'd, I think, to run than Fight), + Tho' seeming bent his progress to dispute, + Receiv'd his Visit with a grand Salute. + + First on our right the great, the gallant Hill, + Obedient to our noble Chieftain's will, + The Enemy, tho' strongly posted found, + Their Left drove in--they quickly left the Ground. + Dalhousie, Picton, then the conflict enter, + Intrepidly advance against the Centre: + This forc'd, they hastily commenced the flight, + For Graham, boldly press'd upon their Right. + Tho' Cannon, Mortars, play'd from every part + Sufficient to appal the bravest heart-- + Tho' show'rs of Bullets whizzing from each Spot + (The French are rather partial to long Shot), + Nor Shots, nor Shells, nor Legions in Array, + Not for one moment check'd them on their Way; + But Slow and Firm, progressively they move, + And from each Post, the Hostile miscreants Drove. + + In vain th' embattl'd Foe, with Warlike Band, + Bristled with Cannon, could the Charge withstand. + Slaughter, and Death, on every side they meet, + And only find their safety in Retreat. + The fact was this, the Fellows ran away, + Commenc'd their Flight so early in the Day; + In haste the Road to Pampeluna took, + And Ladies, Baggage, Cannon, all forsook; + Fighting gave up, and had recourse to Cunning-- + They're sure to beat us if it comes to Running. + This I've observ'd, whene'er we Battle make, + We overcome, but seldom overtake. + And tho' our Gallant Cavalry would fain + Have shar'd the Glory of th' ensanguin'd Plain, + Their anxious wishes could not be effected, + 'Twas so by Ditches,[102] and Ravines, protected. + Joe, and Gazon, as Generals, must be scouted-- + First out Manoeuvred, then completely Routed. + But of their Conduct, what we most upbraid is, + They wanted Courage to protect their Ladies. + Such dastards, as we generally find most, + Secure themselves, the Devil take the hindmost, + And now it was the Hussars[103] got their share, + Took all the Coaches, Baggage, and the Fair. + Not of their Gallantry I would speak slighting, + No Troops, I'm sure, can beat them at fair Fighting. + This was the Day on which our Gallant John + Would crown his Fame, as he had told upon: + Being by Order of his Chief dispatch'd-- + Bent on his purpose, he th' occasion watch'd; + Eager in search of Glory, and Renown, + Dash'd, with some Hussars, boldly into Town. + + Joe, who had heard of the Hussars' approach, + Had with his Ladies hustled to his Coach; + There, finding they were close upon his Back, + Quickly[104] bounc'd out, and jump'd upon a Hack; + In wild disorder, and in strange dismay, + Spurr'd thro' the Crowd, in hopes to steal away. + + Our Hero, in mean time, dash'd to and fro, + By accident o'ertook poor scampering Joe-- + And with his Sabre lent him such a Lick, + 'Twas lucky that poor Joe's skull was Thick, + Who, to avoid the Blow, was stooping down-- + The Sabre from his Hat, cut off the Crown. + Whilst hapless Joe, escaping, tho' full sad, + He'd lost that Day the only Crown he had, + But felt consol'd, when at a distance fled, + His Crown had lost, but still had got his Head. + + John, in the bustle, thought Joe's Head had tumbled, + And 'mongst the Ladies furbelows was jumbled. + + The poor Madames, arrested in their flight, + Were sprawling in the Street, in woeful plight-- + Screaming, and fainting, prostrate sought protection, + 'Midst Hussars pillaging in all direction, + Such struggling, rifling, squeezing, 'mongst the Folks, + Whiskers, Mustachios, Petticoats, and Cloaks. + When John, in eager search, fell oddly flat on + Madame Gazon,[105] with Marshal Jourdon's Baton; + This charming Woman, tho' a General's Wife, + Would much give up, in hopes to save her Life; + And tho' a careful Guardian of her honour, + Freely resign'd whate'er John found upon her. + Who rais'd the fair, and saw where she had sat, + Not Joey's Head, 'tis true, but bit of Hat. + + John, who had long on Glory anxious bent, + This Day succeeded to his heart's content: + Honour, renown, he fairly now bespoke, + For this Day's job had been a lucky Stroke. + Joe's Head was gone, no doubt--but what of that? + He'd got the Baton, and the bit of Hat; + So from the noise, and tumult in the Street, + He led the lovely Lady, and her Suite; + And in full hopes by politesse to win her, + Gave Her poor Joey's Bed, and Joey's Dinner. + The Battle o'er, the French to flight resign'd 'em, } + Running as if the Devil was behind 'em,-- } + Field-pieces left to those who'd luck to find 'em. } + And there I leave the Cowards to their fate, + Whilst I of other matters shall relate. + + The Victory gain'd, the Chieftain sought repose, + When John in modest accents did disclose + His great exploits, the wond'rous Feats he'd done-- + The Trophies that he had so nobly won. + + The Chief, astonish'd, look'd with much amaze on + The Baton, bit of Hat, and Madame Gazon. + + The noble Chief in contemplation Sat, + Admir'd the Dame, and archly touch'd the Hat: + Tho' at her charms in secret look'd askance, + He, great, like Scipio, sent her back to France. + And then, his humble duty to evince, + Would send the Hat, and Baton, to the Prince. + The Baton would be, in his Country's Eyes, + Deem'd both a noble, and a glorious Prize; + And, p'rhaps, in spite of rumour, and of Chat, + Some Folks might like a bit of Royal Hat. + '_Newcome_ should have the honour to present, + 'The Hat and Baton to the Prince Regent; + 'Relate of Cannon taken, and the Pelf,[106] + 'The Victory would best explain itself.' + And now, almost as quick as I can tell, + John found himself once more in dear Pall Mall. + But, as he'd not from usual custom vary, + In Chaise and Four, called on the Secretary. + + The Minister, with admiration struck, + Soon advertised his Friends of their good Luck; + This Victory, with all its consequences, + Would seat them firmly on the Treasury Benches. + Read the Dispatch--wrote off to the Lord Mayor, + Who to the Cits should the great News declare; + And they, Rich, Lusty Rogues, without alloy, + As usual, Ate and Drank, to shew their joy. + And now what hearty peals of exclamation, + What Cannon firing, and what Conflagration; + Such shouts, such grinning, 'mongst all Ranks of Men, + You'd thought they ne'er would shut their mouths again. + Such horizontal stretching of each Muzzle, + Such Drinking healths, such roaring, and such Guzzle. + But should some small mishap be buzz'd auricular, + The horizontal would be perpendicular. + + John, who in most things had his share of Nouse, + His humble duty left at Carlton House; + And was inform'd, with certain pompous gravity + (At Courts one seldom stumbles upon suavity), + That He, the Hat, and Baton, Magnifique, + Should be presented early in the Week; + It was the R----t's will, at sights so pleasant, + The Q----n, and all her Ladies, should be present. + Down to the ground our Hero made his bow, + And to the Knight and Lady, off he flew. + + 'So, my dear John, you made poor Joey truckle'; + Whilst at the Hat he slily gave a chuckle. + My Lady, too, the Baton did explore-- + 'She'd never seen so fine a thing before.' + Johnny then told them of his feats of Arms, + Of Joe's escape, and Madame Gazon's charms. + 'Come, John,' says Dad, 'from truth you cannot screen us; + 'You were her Mars, my Boy, and she your Venus.' + + John now at every House was in request, + And every where receiv'd a welcome Guest. + He thought he ne'er should finish with his Glory, + So often pester'd to repeat the story. + We give him credit there for a pretence, + He rather lik'd being made of Consequence. + The Battle, Trophies, Folks were so much wrapt in, + They made a mighty bustle 'bout the Captain. + Captain no more--for in the next Gazette, + Tho' envious ones did vastly fume and fret, + In recompence for wonderous Renown, + Who seiz'd a Baton, and cut off a Crown: + As C----n for a precedent was quoted, + Lieutenant Colonel[107] was at once Promoted. + +[Illustration: _Presenting the Trophies._] + + And now the Day arriv'd, as deem'd expedient, + John should present the Trophies to the R----t. + Th' illustrious R----t sat in Regal State, + The Lords and Ladies did around him wait. + + John made his Triple Bows, and kneeling down, + Humbly presented the Baton, and Crown. + It so fell out, perhaps no one could say why, + The Ladies titter'd, and the Lords look'd Sly. + The Noble Prince, in his great self collected, + He first the Baton from the Hat selected. + In manners dignified, and all his own, + He thus his R----l sentiments made known-- + 'This Baton, Sir, is in my firm belief, + 'The noblest Gift a Sovereign can receive; + 'And when so merited, we all must know, + 'The noblest Gift a Sovereign can bestow. + 'Here! take this back, with gratitude I yield it,-- + 'His is the only Arm that's fit to Wield it. + 'As for this French Machine, with its obliquities, + 'T----r shall find it room with my Antiquities.' + + Then graceful fingering the bit of Felt, + His condescending smiles around him dealt-- + 'Tho' this poor Crown is something worn and Flat, + 'Still 'tis a precious morsel of old Hat; + 'And as to aged relics I am partial, + ''Twill suit my purpose better than the Marshal. + 'You, gallant Colonel, shall appointed be, } + 'In my establishment, an Equerry, } + 'Knight of the Bath, and F----k's A. D. C.' } + + The Baton struck the Dames with much surprise, + They all admir'd the painting, shape, and size: + 'It was a Stick, no doubt, 'twas made of Oak; + 'And heavy too--'twould give a monstrous Stroke.' + As for the Hat, as round about they dealt it, + When each great Lord, & noble Knight had felt it-- + 'For such a Prize 'twas not worth while to Roam, + 'They all could boast a better one at Home.' + + John now of his new Dignities felt proud, + So quietly withdrew from out the Crowd. + And thus quite happy, and elate with joy, + The Knight and Lady hugg'd their darling Boy. + The Lady's head could nothing run upon, + 'But Son, Sir Johnny, and of Spouse, Sir John.' + + The Knight, who'd long been brooding on his Speech, + With Prop, and Prompter close within his reach, + Now told his Son, Sir John, 'twas his intent + 'To make a flaming speech in Parliament. + 'Your Letter too, dear John--Sir John, your pardon; + 'I've in my vacant hours labour'd hard on. + 'I'm well prepar'd--but you must be so kind, + 'Should I forget, to prompt me from behind; + 'But first, my Son, Sir John, it will be mete, + 'That you in Parliament should take your Seat: + 'Having so done, we then can at our pleasures, + 'Together both consult, about my measures.' + + And now our Hero, without more delay, + Went with his Dad, to make his first Entre. + The Ceremony o'er, and in his place, + The S----r, with much Gravity, and Grace, + His right Hand on his Chair he gently press'd, + And thus our Hero solemnly address'd: + + 'Lieutenant-Colonel Sir John _Newcome_, + 'I'm to observe, that here are very few come + 'With such distinguished honours to their Name-- + 'So high in Glory, and so great in Fame; + 'Your active Vigour, and your gallant Feats + 'In Arms, when in Vittoria's Streets + 'Your weapon boldly flourish'd 'mongst the Fair, + 'Joe's Crown cut off, and every thing left bare; + 'Drove the poor King from Town, without his Hat on, + 'Seiz'd Madam Gazon, and the Marshal's Baton. + 'The C----ns, Sir, out of their high regard + 'For deeds of Valour, grant this proud Reward + 'For your Exploits, so Great, and so Magnanimous, + 'Thro' me present their hearty thanks unanimous.' + + Albeit, unused to speaking, John arose, + In first attempt determin'd not to prose; + Resolv'd that no one should his sense impeach, + By drawling out a long, and labour'd Speech: + Then said, 'Sir, if from great Example, + 'I in some late affairs have shewn my Sample; + ''Tis to the Hero whose Dispatch I bring, + 'So great, so wonderful in every thing. + 'His be the praise, who Foe, and Fair disarms, + 'All yield to his Celebrity in Arms.' + Some further honours too did John await, + Which caus'd with him and Dad, a small debate. + 'A Badge of Merit,[108] my dear Boy d'ye see, + 'Is a fine Ornament, 'twixt you and me; + ''Twill look so grand, you know, hung at your button, + 'When you Reg'mentals condescend to put on.' + + 'Such Ornaments, dear Dad, I'd fain not reap, + 'Desert, and Interest no distinction keep; + 'That bane to Justice, we must all deplore, + 'Merit does much, but interest does much more.' + + And now friend John more Honours did obtain, + The gratitude of Portugal and Spain; + Like Knights of Rodrigo, and Talavera, + He got the Tower, and Sword, and Alcantara. + + * * * * * + + _N.B. It has been reported that his R----l H----s the P----e R----t + has signified his acquiescence that the Arms of the =Newcome= + Family be as follows: A bit of old Hat, supported by two + Batons--Crest, a Cock's Spur--Motto, '+I felt it+.'_ + + +THE END + + +FOOTNOTES + +[41] The thermometer of Mr. John Bull's spirits is so delicately +compounded, that the smallest variation in the political atmosphere +raises, or depresses, to a point verging on Insanity. + +[42] I have, in former days, I confess, been rather puzzled to account +for a sort of tergiversation in the memory of many young men. I was +foolish enough to expect that high-titled Honourables were of similar +opinions, in respect to intimacies and friendships, in common with other +folks; but, to my astonishment and disgust, I then found, as I have +frequently since experienced, that the man who could bend in the country +to a sociable intimacy--changing his ground, changed his deportment; +that the men with whom I have in the country domesticated--have been +admitted to a very familiar intimacy, when I met them in Town seemed to +have totally lost sight of me, and returned my salute with a careless +insolence, if they condescended to return it at all; this appeared to me +ridiculously capricious, unaccountably foolish. At length an old Friend +told me it was the way of the world, and that there was a wonderful +difference between the Companions in the Country, and the associate in +London. Now I do think this is a fair hint to all _Johnny Newcomes_, a +warning to make up their minds, that, however my Lord or Sir Toby may +condescend to an Intimacy in the Country (which, perhaps, may arise from +a selfish principle in these Honourable Worthies) they must expect the +Cut direct in Town. + +[43] Another instance of effect on Memory: how many young Men have we +seen in such situations, who have acted like the veriest Simpleton, and +by their arrogance, and presumption have excited the contempt of their +Equals. + +[44] Her Majesty of Portugal having, unfortunately, a great debility of +mind, her Son assum'd the Government as Regent. + +[45] Priests of every description. The Regent evinced his predilection +for those Gentry, in having, it is said, 30,000 who lived on the fat of +the Land. + +[46] People are mighty apt to judge with extreme severity on the conduct +of Kings and Princes, &c. &c.; and it generally happens that Men, who +indulge themselves in the practices of Vice, are very liberal in the +abuse of their Superiors in Rank and Fortune that shew a similar +disposition, totally forgetting that themselves have been accustomed, +in the course of Education, and in their commerce with the World, to +the sound of wholesome Truths. + +In former days a very useful and entertaining Personage was always an +Appendage to the Pageantry of Courts, and in great Families--(yclept) a +Fool: thro' this lively Oracle, Truth reached the ears of the Great: but +this wise custom has fallen into disuse, and unfortunately the familiars +of the Great are now frequently composed of Naturals. + +If those in Rank and Dignity enjoyed the advantages in common with the +Mass of Mankind, and should then give themselves up to excesses, +censure might be just, if that censure came from _clean hands_. But +with the disadvantages they labour under from the earliest Age, the +harsh animadversions on their conduct are Indecent, Malicious, and +Uncharitable. + +[47] The French Army. + +[48] Our most gracious Sovereign. + +[49] Fleets and Armies. + +[50] Generals, Commissaries, Medical Staff, Cavalry. + +[51] Subjects. + +[52] It was supposed the intention of Buonaparte, after having +subjugated the Peninsula, was to have invaded England and Ireland. + +[53] Sir A. Wellesley was sent to Portugal with a small force. + +[54] Vide the Battle of Vimiera. + +[55] Sir H----y B----d and Sir H----w D----e. + +[56] Officers. + +[57] Lieutenant-Generals and Major-Generals. + +[58] There is no doubt many intelligent Major-Generals came out, whose +bad health would not admit their continuing in the Country, and who much +regretted their inability to Serve. + +[59] Portugal. + +[60] F----d M----l B----d. + +[61] The Q----r M----r G----l. + +[62] The A----t G----l. + +[63] The M----y S----y. + +[64] The A----s d-- C---- to the Commander of the Forces on the +Peninsula. + +[65] The P----ce of O----ge. + +[66] Commissaries. + +[67] The Medical Officers. + +[68] Dr. M----r. + +[69] Divisions and Hospitals. + +[70] Return of killed and wounded. + +[71] Artillery. + +[72] Brigades. + +[73] Great guns and mortars, &c. &c. + +[74] The O----r C----g the Artillery. + +[75] Artillery Officers. + +[76] Provost Marshals. + +[77] Light and Heavy Cavalry. + +[78] In respect to the British Cavalry, many instances were witnessed of +gallant conduct of Regiments, Squadrons, and Individuals: they are all +Brave--but certainly the Officers are generally deficient in knowledge +of Cavalry Tactics; and the men have not that proper regard, and +affection, I may call it, for the noble animal that bears them. + +A German Soldier will sell his Bread to feed his Horse--a British +Soldier will sell the Corn to purchase Drink. + +The German Officer, and Soldier, are superior to the British, for both +Officer, and Soldier, in the German Cavalry, know their Duty, and feel +a pride in it. + +It is not a whimsical Uniform, or a monstrous pair of Mustachios, that +make the Cavalry Officer: but there seems so much attention now-a-days +paid to the external embellishment, that the interior is left to bare +Walls--empty Chambers. + +Even the French Cavalry boasted, 'that give them English Horses, and +they would drive the British Cavalry from the Field'; and there are +folks who are inclined to believe them: then as for Cavalry Generals--I +wish there was a School for Generals. + +[79] L----t G----ls and M----r G----ls commanding divisions. + +[80] Lt.-Gen. Sir R----d H----l. + +[81] Lt.-Gen. Sir T----s G----m. + +[82] Lt.-Gen. Sir S----n C----n. + +[83] Lt.-Gen. E----l D----e. + +[84] Lt.-Gen. C----n. + +[85] Maj.-Gen. P--k--m. + +[86] Lt.-Gen. Sir T. P----n. + +[87] Maj.-Gen. C----e. + +[88] Maj.-Gen. Sir T. S----t. + +[89] Lt.-Gen. L----h. + +[90] M----r-G----l, Ass----t Adj----t-G----l, Ass----t +Q----r-M----r-G----l. + +[91] Officers, Commissaries, Guns, Provost Marshals. + +[92] The P----se Army was originally contemptible. The great brilliant, +and persevering exertions of F----d-M----l B----d, and the Officers +under him, have been successful, by rendering the P----se Army efficient +in point of Discipline, Activity, and interior Oeconomy. + +[93] F----d-M----l B----d. + +[94] Officers taken from the British and German regiments. + +[95] The H----r B----de. + +Upon our approach to the River Eslar, it was expedient that a Lodgement +should be made on the opposite side of that River, to protect the +formation of the Pontoon Bridge, for the Army to cross the River; the +Hussar Brigade, supported by the 51st Light Regt. and Light Regiment of +Brunswick Oels (ordered to support the Cavalry) were ordered to attack, +take, and maintain the Village. The River, at all times rapid, by the +melting of the Snow, was swollen two feet in depth, and its current +raged with increasing velocity: 100 Men of the 51st were advanced, with +the advance of the Hussars, and passed at the Ford with safety, but +drenched with Water; the two Corps followed, and it was directed that an +Infantry Soldier should hold by the stirrup-leather of a Hussar. Whether +it was the anxiety to pass the Ford, or some other cause, such was the +press to enter the River, that the Ford was lost, and in one minute were +seen Hussars scrambling, their Horses now on a Rock--next minute, +plunging over head, the Infantry dragged hanging at the Stirrup, and +Horses Tails; some by a jerk, or kick lost their hold, and were, +struggling with the Torrent--others borne by the rapid Current of the +Water, sunk, never to rise more;--others happily cast on bits of +Islands. Hussars were seen plunging to get up the Bank, dragging three +or four Infantry, half-drowned, so convulsed as to keep their grasp. +Men's Caps, Knapsacks, floating down the Stream: but the attachment of +one Infantry Soldier to his Firelock was astonishing--he was seen by an +Officer, who rode to the brink of the Rock; as the Man floated down the +stream, supported as he lay on his back, by his Knapsack, the Officer +said, 'Can you swim?' 'No, your honour.' 'Then throw away your +Firelock.' 'No, your honour; I'll bring She to shore with me--I won't +part with She.' Fortunately the current bore Him so near to the Rock, +the Officer could reach his Bayonet, and the Man was saved. On this +occasion it is not in words to give an adequate idea of the gallant and +humane conduct of the Hussars. A Serjeant of the 18th Hussars was heard +to exclaim, upon his seeing a very fine young Officer of the 51st +struggling for life in the middle of the Torrent, 'I'll be D----d if the +fine Boy shall be drowned,' and plunged his Horse into the Stream, and, +when he rose above the Water, pressed towards the Officer, caught him by +the jacket, and lifted him on Shore.--Many other similar cases happened. +During the time of passing the River, indeed, I have every reason to +believe the Men of the Hussars that were drowned, on this occasion, died +victims to their humanity. And it was admirable to see those gallant +Fellows, when landed, and free from the grasp of the poor Infantry +Soldiers, spring forward to ascend the Hill with an ardour to attack an +Enemy they were instructed to expect would oppose them. + +I wish it was in my power to have paid a similar compliment, for humane +exertion, to an Officer of A----y. + +[96] The H----ld T----ps.--In respect of those fine Regiments, much, +very much, should be considered in their favour. + +Unaccustomed to Foreign service--unaccustomed to any duty but +London duty, which Duty there are no Regiments can perform half so +ably--distinguished from other Regiments in every respect, particularly +in regard to _pay_ and interior convenience, it was hardly fair, and +assuredly inconsiderate, calculating the expence, to employ the Life +Guards on such service. + +Barring the absence of proper feeling in a few Officers, who rather +too hastily returned Home, no Troops were more distinguished for +Discipline, good Conduct, _Sobriety_, Zeal, and Gallantry, or for their +patient, and cheerful submission to privations, and hardships resulting +from the nature of the Service, and possibly somewhat increased by +their inexperience: and I may observe without any possible risk of +contradiction, had the Household Troops been fortunately pitted against +the best Cavalry of the Enemy, the result would have given them a +Celebrity in arms coequal to a general Character so highly creditable to +those Corps. + +[97] F----d O----rs, Gold and Silver Sticks in the Court Regalia. + +[98] Ample Stores--of Provision--Forage, also for the Hospitals, and of +various other descriptions. + +[99] The pay of the Army is six months in arrear; the Contingent +allowance Ten months. + +A more than actual sufficiency for the Men during the operations of +active Warfare is injurious; the Soldier should not have wherewith to +get drunk with, for that is always the result after the Balances are +received, and, until the Money is exhausted, the Soldier is a Clog. The +Officers, unfortunately, suffer by the withholding their Pay. + +[100] However formidable the Spanish Armies are on Paper, what we have +seen of them in the Field does not entitle them to be ranked with any +description of Troops in Europe; and I even doubt if the Americans would +not speak slightingly of them. I will give the Spanish Nation all the +credit for obstinacy and jealousy they can wish; but I for one give them +no further: their conduct to their Allies, in many instances, has been +unfriendly and suspicious--often Hostile. It may be politic to commend +their conduct for Gallant Achievement in the Field; I of course shall +not presume to contradict that: and much may be allowed for a Ragged, +Starved, unpaid Host, and of whom the Officers are the first to run +away. They have admitted some, but very few British Officers into their +service; but if the selection has proved fortunate, I suppose it will be +hereafter made known. + +[101] It was ascertained as fact, that King Joe was so certain of +beating the Allied Army, it was his and Gazon's intention to have +attacked; and Joe had boasted he should beat the Enemy, and had actually +prepared a grand Dinner for Lord Wellington and his Officers. They meant +to attack on the 22d of June. + +Joe always travelled with a Suite of Ladies, generally beautiful Women: +it is said, there were ten ladies of his private Family with him. Those, +with all his Wardrobe, Carriages, and Plunder from Madrid, were taken, +and he only escaped with the Clothes on his Back, having lost his Hat. +By way of replenishing his Goods and Chattles, he actually stole the +Linen, Plate, and Clothes, from every place he stopped at, until he +reached the French frontier--and also a Hat from a Priest. + +The whole Baggage, Money, Artillery, and those of the French Army were +taken--Carriages, and Animals, and a great many Ladies. The French +Officers said they were so pinched, we did not leave them a Pinch of +Snuff. + +[102] Such was the rapidity of the Conflict, and such the nature of the +Ground, very few of our Gallant Cavalry were engaged; wide, deep, and +watery Ditches intersected the Country in all directions. Had the ground +admitted, our Cavalry must have intercepted Thousands. + +The French could only take two small Field-pieces with them, which, from +the rapidity of the pursuit, fell into the Conqueror's hands before they +reached Pampeluna; but in their usual depredatious way, they plundered +all the Houses, and burned many. + +[103] The Hussars made a gallant charge through the Town, and in their +progress attacked, and drove the Enemy's Cavalry out. + +[104] King Joe, or, as the Spaniards properly style him, the Intruder, +was so pressed, he jumped on a horse, lost his Hat, and galloped at full +speed out of the Town; and, as Officers and Men, afterwards taken, +assured the Author, he actually threw money to the French Soldiery to +let him pass. + +[105] Madame, the Countess Gazon, a charming woman, was taken by the +Hussars. Major R----t's, 10th Hussars, it is said, had the Gallantry and +Honour to protect her: she was allowed to follow her Husband a few Days +after.--Part of the Cavalry only passed through the Town, the Army went +right and left of it. + +[106] The numerous Carriages of all descriptions, and Tumbrils, so +completely blocked the Road, and filled the contiguous Fields, it was +difficult to pass; the Carriages were completely loaded with Baggage, +and the miserable Animals pushed into Deep, and Wet Ditches. The +four-wheeled Tumbrils were loaded with Ammunition, and Money. It is +supposed that those who divided the Spoil were enriched: certainly the +Soldiers got Thousands of Dollars and Doubloons. It is said, more +Persons than Soldiers shared in the Spoil; one got L8000 of Doubloons. +It is to be lamented that, in consequence of the hurry and confusion, +the Money was thus distributed--but it was inevitable; and the good +fortune fell to the lot of many who did not share in the Conflict. + +Two hundred and five Pieces of Ordnance were taken, and five hundred +Tumbrils; large quantities of Army Stores, and Mules, and Horses, and +much inferior Plunder also.--Vittoria is a superior Spanish Town, and +situated in a fertile Plain. + +[107] It was considered rather an uncommon instance of good fortune, the +Noble L----d should, on any pretence, have been so unaccountably +promoted in the same Gazette, Major and Lieut.-Colonel. + +[108] A Badge of Merit is a most honourable Distinction, as the reward +of Merit and Gallant achievement; but its value is eclipsed from the +influence of interest. + +I should think a Board of Officers should be established to examine into +the merits of Officers recommended for such honourable remuneration; and +their fiat should either confirm the claim, or reject it altogether: a +Badge of Merit would then be valuable. Indeed, if the power of the Board +was extended to decide upon the merits for Brevet Rank, the service +would gain by it. It is the value of a thing that makes it desirable. + +If, in the examination of the merits of an Officer reported to the +Board, for honourable distinction, the opinion of the Board should +decidedly confirm the claim and right, a Patent should be sent to the +Officer, signed and sealed by the President, stating the sentiments of +the Board, &c. &c. Such would be an inestimable intimation of his claim +to Merit--handing down to Posterity an honourable proof of Family +desert. + +But the conferring either Title, or Badge on men who have lolled away +their time in Ease, and Affluence, is ridiculous, and truly absurd. + + + + +Printed by +T.+ and +A. Constable+, Printers to His Majesty at the +Edinburgh University Press + + + + +[Transcriber's Notes: + + All punctuation errors were corrected. + Inconsistent hyphenation was retained. + In List of the Plates, the capitalization of some words was changed + to match the captions in the text; "Santaren" was changed to + "Santarem". + Illustrations that accompany Part I were moved to the end of the poem. + Illustrations that accompany the other poems were moved to stanza + breaks. + The order of the illustrations "Half Rations" and "Johnny writes an + account ..." in Part II was reversed to follow the order of the + events in the poem. + Where the location of stanza breaks was uncertain, such as at the top + of a page, the 1816 edition (see Note after the title page) was + consulted to decide their positioning. + The following spelling changes were made: + In footnote [7], "one" was changed from "One" (one Chair). + In footnote [9], "Moidore" was changed from "Moidure". + In footnote [23], "Commander-in-Chief" was changed from + "Commander in-Chief". + On page 58, "Devil's" was changed from "Devils" (Devil's own Roads). + On page 82, "Mesentery" was changed from "Mesentary". + On page 156, "A. D. C." was changed from "A.D.C." (extra + A. D. C.).] + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Military Adventures of Johnny +Newcome, by David Roberts + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MILITARY ADVENTURES OF JOHNNY NEWCOME *** + +***** This file should be named 44201.txt or 44201.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/2/0/44201/ + +Produced by Chris Curnow, Marie Bartolo and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License available with this file or online at + www.gutenberg.org/license. + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at 809 +North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email +contact links and up to date contact information can be found at the +Foundation's web site and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit www.gutenberg.org/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For forty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. |