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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 18:37:31 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-14 18:37:31 -0700 |
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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/44221-0.txt b/44221-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8faeed1 --- /dev/null +++ b/44221-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,988 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44221 *** + +THE REVOLT + +A PLAY IN ONE ACT + +BY ELLIS PARKER BUTLER + +Author of "Pigs Is Pigs" etc. + +Copyright, 1912, by Samuel French + + + + +CHARACTERS + +GRANDMA GREGG--Founder of the Flushing Academy of Household Science for +Young Ladies. + +PAULINE--Working out her tuition. + +SUSAN JANE JONES--An Emissary of the American Ladies' Association for +the Promotion of Female Supremacy. + +KATE--A student. + +GRACE--A student. + +EDITH--A student. + +IDA--A student. + +MAY--A student. + +OTHER YOUNG LADY STUDENTS. + +THE IDEAL HUSBAND--by himself. + + + +SCENE.--The class room of Grandma Gregg's Academy of Household Science +for Young Ladies, at Flushing. + + +TIME.--Now or soon. + + + + +THE REVOLT + +SCENE.--_The Class-room. A table. Chairs arranged in semi-circle; an +easy chair for Grandma Gregg. Screen in one corner. Chairs or couch upon +which to lay wraps and hats. Otherwise an ordinary room. Tea things on +the table._ + +(PAULINE, _center of stage, with pail, broom, dusting rag, scrubbing +brushes and mop, is discovered on hands and knees scrubbing. As curtain +rises she rises to her knees, throws scrubbing brush and soap into the +pail, gets up with difficulty and mops the floor. She is singing._) + +PAULINE. (singing) "All alone, all alone, nobody here but me. All alone, +all alone, nobody here but me, All alone, all--" (_she stops mopping and +leans on the mop handle_) Here it is now two weeks I've been workin' out +my tuition in this Academy of Household Science for Young Ladies, and +'tis nothin' but scrub, scrub, mop, mop, sweep, sweep, from mornin' 'til +night! I see plenty of work, but none of that tuition has come my way +yet "Wanted," says the advertisement, "a young lady to work out her +tuition in an academy." It says that, "Grandma Gregg's Flushing Academy +of Household Science," it says, "fits the young ladies for to occupy +properly their positions at the heads of their homes," it says, "It +will be a fine thing for you, PAULINE," I says, "to be tuitioned in an +Academy," so I come, (_mops_) "We'll begin your lessons right away," +says Grandma Gregg, "take th' scrub brush an' a pail of water an' some +soap an' scrub th' cellar." I've been scrubbin' ever since. I don't care +much for the higher education when there is so much scrub in it. +(_mops_) + +(GRANDMA GREGG _enters_. PAULINE, _not seeing her, goes to table and +examines tea things, books, etc._) + +GRANDMA GREGG. PAULINE! + +PAULINE. (_beginning to mop hastily_) Yes'm! + +GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, PAULINE. + +PAULINE. (_making a curtsey_) Good mornin', Grandma Gregg. I hope I see +you well to-day. (_changing her tone_) If it ain't askin' too much, mam, +when does my tuitioning begin? I've been scrubbin' for two weeks now, +from mornin' 'til night-- + +GRANDMA. Have you scrubbed the cellar, Pauline? + +PAULINE. Yes'm. + +GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, PAULINE. + +PAULINE. (_curtseying_) No'm. (_curtsey_) Yes'm. (_curtsey_) + +GRANDMA. You have scrubbed the cellar? + +PAULINE (_curtseying_) Yes'm. + +GRANDMA. And the garret? And the first floor? And the second floor? + +PAULINE, (_curtseying_) Yes'm. + +GRANDMA. Very good, very good, Pauline. Then, when you have finished +scrubbing this class room, you may scrub the front porch and the stable. +Then it will be time to scrub the cellar again. You are doing very +nicely. + +PAULINE. Yes'm, thank you, mam. (_curtsey_) But I was thinkin', mam, +maybe I could have a little more tuition, and a little less work. "Work +and tuition" was what the advertisement said, mam, an' I've seen nothin' +but the work yet. + +GRANDMA. My dear child! My dear, sweet child! I don't understand you. +You have done no work yet. + +PAULINE. (_looking at her dress and at pail and mop_) I've done no work? +I wonder, now, what I have been doin'! + +GRANDMA. (_placidly_) You have been receiving your tuition. In this +academy the study of Household Science begins with the rudiments. +Scrubbing is one of the rudiments. As a new scholar you begin with the +rudiments, of course. And I must say you are doing very well. You are +making excellent progress. Apply yourself earnestly to your lessons and +in a short time you will be promoted to another class. (PAULINE _stands +with her mouth open as_ GRANDMA _talks. She seems to be stunned_) Let me +see you scrub, Pauline. + +PAULINE. (_dropping on her knees and taking brush from pail_) Yes'm. + +GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Pauline. + +PAULINE. (_curtseying on her knees_) No'm (curtsey. She scrubs) + +GRANDMA. Very good indeed! Very good indeed! You are progressing, +Pauline! You are progressing. Apply yourself faithfully to your lessons. +You may study awhile on the front porch now. And don't be afraid to use +your muscle. + +PAULINE. (_gathers up her pail and mop, etc. At door she turns_) Good +morning, Grandma Gregg. (_curtseys_) (_aside_) Rudiment, is it? If I +haven't done any work yet, I wonder now what the work will be like. + +GRANDMA. (_has dropped into her chair and taken up her knitting_) +Pauline. + +PAULINE. Yes'm. + +GRANDMA. Did you curtsey, Pauline? + +PAULINE. No'm. (curtseys) But I will, (_curtseys_) + +GRANDMA. Pauline, have the new Professors come yet? I have hired two new +Professors. A Professor of Husbandology, and a Professor of Rudiments. +They are very highly recommended. + +PAULINE. Beg pardon mam, but what's Husbandology? + +GRANDMA. Husbandology is the Science of the Proper Treatment of +Husbands. + +PAULINE. And I know what Rudiments is. It's scrubbin'. No, mam, nothin' +like them has come yet. "All alone. All alone--" (_sings_) (_exit_ +PAULINE) + +GRANDMA, (knits) Dear me! Dear me! I thought when I started this Academy +the girls would flock to it most eagerly. When I was a young girl my +mother would have been glad to have an academy like this for me to +attend. I don't know what the world is coming to. Suffragists and +Suffragettes, and Suffrage--this and Suffrage--that! If this academy +wasn't sustained by the Anti-suffrage League it would have to close +its doors. (_sees a book on table, takes it in hand_) "Woman and Her +Rights." (_with disgust_) Augh! Who brought that here? (_throws it +on floor_) I declare, I believe this is the last stronghold of the +old-fashioned home-loving woman. I teach the girls to be good wives, +(_door bell rings_) (_enter_ PAULINE) + +PAULINE, (_curtseys_) If you please, mam, there's a female at the door +says she is the new Professor of Husbandology. It's Susan Jane Jones, +mam. + +GRANDMA. Show her in, Pauline. + +PAULINE. Yes'm. + +GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Pauline. + +PAULINE. No'm. (_curtseys_) (_exit_ PAULINE) + +GRANDMA. I hope Susan Jane Jones will be a real nice lady. There's +nothing in the world more necessary than lessons on the Proper Treatment +of Husbands. Women don't seem to know how to treat husbands now-a-days. +They neglect 'em, the poor things. When I was a girl--(_enter_ Susan +Jane Jones.) + +SUSAN. (_strides into room with umbrella held by middle and hand bag +under one atm. Slaps them on table, and begins pulling off her gloves_) +Well, here I am-- + +GRANDMA. (_mildly_) Don't forget your curtsey, Miss Jones. + +SUSAN. (surprised) Hey? What's that? + +GRANDMA. (_gently_) All the faculty and students curtsey when they come +into my presence, Miss Jones. It is a sweet old-fashioned custom-- + +SUSAN. (_briskly_) Well, I'll soon change that--I mean, Howdy! Howdy! +(_bobs several times_) (_aside_) I must not forget I am here as a spy +in the enemy's country. If you are going to do the Romans you must do as +the Romans do. (to GRANDMA) Swell joint you've got here, old lady. + +GRANDMA, (_rubbing knees_) Swell joints? Yes, my dear, a little +rheumatiz makes the joints swell. But I don't complain. I'm an old lady. +I have to expect some aches and pains at my time of life. I'm thankful +I can do a little good work in the world. Do you understand What your +duties will be? + +SUSAN. Sure Mike! I'm the Husbandology lady. I teach the girls how to +treat their husbands when they get 'em. + +GRANDMA. Just so. You will lecture on How to Coddle and Pet a Husband. +Five lectures. Then you will give five lectures on Smoothing the Lines +of + +Care from Hubby's Brow. Then--of course you show by example how all this +is done. + +SUSAN. By example? You don't have a man here, do you? + +GRANDMA. We use the practical method in our classes. "Practice makes +perfect," you know, (_calls_) Pauline! + +PAULINE, (_off stage_) Yes'm, I'm comin'. + +GRANDMA, (_calling_) Bring me the Ideal Husband, Pauline. + +PAULINE. Yes'm. In a minute, mam. + +(_Enter_ PAULINE _with the Dummy Husband under her arm. She throws it +into a chair. Exit._) + +GRANDMA. There! That is our Ideal Husband. He is all a husband should +be. He does not drink nor smoke. He does not go to the club at night. He +never says an unkind word. And he is happy. Do you know why? + +SUSAN. Go ahead. I'll be the goat. What's the answer? + +GRANDMA. He is happy because we are kind to him. Because we coddle and +pet him. I think, before I finally engage you, Miss Jones, I would like +to see an example of your method of coddling and petting. + +(SUSAN _looks at the dummy thoughtfully, takes a step toward it and +pauses, another step, and so on. Finally she jerks the dummy from the +chair by the head and lays the head on her shoulder._) + +SUSAN. Poor hubby, does his poor head ache? (_pats dummy_) Was he out so +late last night? (_puts dummy gently in chair_) Let little wifey rub his +poor head, (_does so_) What did hubby say? All right, little wifey will +tie a nice cold cloth around poor hubby's head. (does this) Now, kiss +little wifey. (_kisses dummy_) What did hubby say? + +GRANDMA. What did he say? + +SUSAN. He said "For goodness sake get away from here and leave me alone. +Can't you see I'm a sick man? Get out of here and stop bothering me." + +GRANDMA, (_admiringly_) How like a real man! And what do you do next? + +SUSAN. (_looking around_) I get a pillow. (_gets one from couch and puts +it lade of dummy_) And I wrap up his feet (_does it_) There, poor dear. +He's sleeping now. + +GRANDMA. Very good. You will do very well. Remember to teach that wives +should obey their husbands and be kind to them. Husbands are such tender +creatures. We should love them and obey them. I will see that your +room is in order. No doubt you will wish to practise coddling the Ideal +Husband a little longer before your classes begin. (_exit_ GRANDMA) + +SUSAN, (_alone_) Get off that chair, you big brute! (_jerks dummy of +chair_) Come home intoxicated, will you? (_throws dummy back on chair_) +Don't talk back to me! (_takes up dummy again_) You are going out, are +you? Well, go out! (_walks toward screen with dummy_) Out you go! I'll +stand no nonsense, I tell you! (_throws dummy behind screen_) Go, if you +want to! There! Coddle and pet them! That's how I coddle and pet them! +(_looks around_) This is a nice situation for Susan Jane Jones, Captain +of Company A, First Regiment, Militant Suffragettes! But all is fair +in Love and Votes for Women! This academy is the last stronghold of the +old-fashioned woman, and from in it the tender young girls learn the +vicious habits of keeping house, being good housewives and attending +to their own affairs as their grandmothers did. From this root +anti-suffragism might spread over the whole world, and I have crept +in, like a spy, to corrupt and destroy it. Woman must and will rule! +(_enter_ KATE _pouting_) + +KATE. (_not seeing_ SUSAN) I don't care! I don't care one bit! I'm +never, never going to speak to John Mason again as long as I live. I +think he is just too horrid for anything, (_takes off coat and hat and +throws them on sofa_) I just hate him. I hate every boy that ever lived, +I do! I think they are mean, overbearing, egotistical things. (_wipes +her eyes_) + +SUSAN. (_clapping her hands once_) My sentiments exactly! I so consider +all men. + +KATE. (_startled_) Oh! I did not know anyone was here. Good morning! +(_curtseys_) Please, you won't tell Grandma Gregg what I said, will +you? (_with head on one side_) She wouldn't like it. (_picking at her +fingers_) She says females should admire and worship all males. + +SUSAN. Humph! Fiddlesticks! Absolutely exploded theory. Latest theory +is, females should abhor and despise all males. What's a man? He's a +worm. A poor silly worm. Now, here! (_takes_ KATE _by arm and leads +her across stage_) We understand each other. You have felt the cruel +oppression of a man! + +KATE. I--I--I just think John Mason treated me real mean, anyway. + +SUSAN. Woman, how else do men ever treat us? We are slaves. But we must +be free. You think I am the new Professor of Husbandology, don't you? +You think I am here to teach you how to treat husbands, don't you? + +KATE. I did think so. + +SUSAN, (_threateningly_) Oh, I'll teach you how to treat husbands! +(PAULINE _enters and overhears, unseen. She gradually comes closer to +them_) I'll teach you how to treat all men. For ages man has crushed us +under his cruel heel. + +KATE. Has he? + +SUSAN. But we will trample him under foot. + +KATE. Will we? + +SUSAN. We must throttle him. We must crush him. + +KATE. Must we? + +SUSAN. Pooh! He's a worm. We will do without him. We will drive him from +the land. Absolutely. Man is a by-gone institution. I class him with the +stage coach and the dodo bird. Woman can do his work better than he can. +He must be driven from the land. + +PAULINE. But, now, mam, if he's driven from the land, he'll be taking a +death of cold in the water. + +SUSAN. So much the better. The object that should burn in every true +woman's heart is the utter extermination of man. (_to_ KATE) You have +felt a man's cruelty. (KATE _wipes her eyes_) + +KATE. I don't see why boys have to be so mean. + +SUSAN. And you, too, you poor creature. Have you not felt the heel of +the oppressor? + +PAULINE. Heel of the oppressor? Mercy sakes! That reminds me. Grandma +Gregg sent me for to get the Ideal Husband and take him down cellar and +black his shoes for him. + +SUSAN, (_triumphantly_) You see! Man makes slaves of us all! + +PAULINE. Has any of you seen the Ideal Husband? Grandma Gregg said he +was in the Classroom conversin' with the new Professor. + +SUSAN. (_carelessly_) Oh, he's gone to his club. I mean, look behind the +screen. + +(PAULINE _gets the dummy, and carries it out, its feet dragging behind +her on the floor. Exit_ PAULINE.) + +SUSAN. My child, the time for the great revolution is at hand. Woman is +about to take her rightfully supreme place in the world. In me you see +one of the leaders of the Militant Suffragettes. Can I count on you? + +KATE. I don't know. I think John Mason treated me just too mean--Oh! +here Comes Grandma Gregg. + +SUSAN. Hush. Not a word of this! (_in a changed tone_). Yes, my dear, +when his head aches take a handful of chopped ice, and fold it in a +bandage-- + +(_Enter_ GRANDMA GREGG.) + +KATE, (_curtseys_) Good morning, Grandma Gregg. + +GRANDMA. Good morning, my dear. (GRANDMA _seats herself and begins +knitting_. KATE _takes sewing from bag and sews_. SUSAN _picks up book +from floor and begins to read_.) + +(_Enter_ GRACE.) + +GRACE. (_curtseys_) Good morning, GRANDMA GREGG. + +GRANDMA. Good morning, my dear. + +(GRACE _seats herself and sews. Enter_ EDITH _and_ IDA.) + +EDITH and IDA. (_curtsey_) Good morning, Grandma Gregg. + +GRANDMA. Good morning, my dears. + +(_Enter_ MAY _and other girls._) + +MAY and Other Girls, (_curtsey_) Good morning, Grandma Gregg. + +GRANDMA. Good morning, my dears. And now we are all here, have you all +done your home work? Let me see it. (_the girls advance, by ones or twos +and show their sewing_) + +GRANDMA. Very good--The stitches are a little too large, sweetheart-- +This buttonhole might be a little neater, precious, etc. (_girls take +seats again, and sew_) + +GRANDMA. Grace, will you act as monitor of the teapot? + +GRACE. Yes, Grandma Gregg. (_curtseys, and makes tea_) + +GRANDMA. Now, young ladies, will you repeat the Golden Text for the day? + +ALL. "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." + +SUSAN. (_scornfully and aside_) Yes, feed the beast and he'll grin. + +GRANDMA. Kate, do you know your precept? + +KATE. (_curtseys_) + + A husband is a precious thing, + He is the woman's lord and king. + +SUSAN. (_aside_) He was, but now he's no such thing. + +GRANDMA. GRACE? + +GRACE. (_with a curtsey_) + + A wife should never hem and haw, + Her husband's word should be her law. + +SUSAN. (aside) Does any woman think that? Pshaw! + +GRANDMA. Next. + +EDITH. (_curtseys_) + + Woman within her home should stay + Her duties there should be her play. + +SUSAN, (_aside_) That sentiment don't go to-day. + +GRANDMA. Next. + +IDA. (_curtseys_) + + The man is noble, strong and brave; + Woman should be his loving slave. + +SUSAN. _That_ notion's in its little grave! + +GRANDMA. Very good, my darlings, (_she rises_) Edith, yesterday you +could not tell me all the ingredients of bread. Do you know now what you +omitted? + +EDITH. Yes, Grandma Gregg. Add a cup of butter. + +GRANDMA. Correct. IDA, if you had a husband and he came home very late, +what would you do? + +IDA. (_curtseys_) I would pretend to be fast, fast asleep. + +GRANDMA. Yes. And what would you say the next morning? + +IDA. "Good morning, dear. I was asleep when you came in. I hope you had +a pleasant evening." + +(GRACE _passes tea. Door bell rings._) + +GRANDMA. Now, Miss-- + +SUSAN. Susan Jane Jones. + +GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Miss Jones. (SUSAN _curtseys_) +You may take the class now, Miss Jones, and give it instruction in +the proper treatment of husbands. Inculcate ideas of meekness and +gentleness. + +SUSAN. Oh, I'll inculcate. Have no fear of that. (_Enter_ PAULINE. _She +has a telegram which she hands to_ GRANDMA. _Also has the dummy, which +she throws on the floor carelessly_.) + +PAULINE. Here's your husband. + +GRANDMA. My dear child, you should not handle a husband in that manner. + +PAULINE. I'll not be handling that husband in any manner very long, +mam. I'm going to quit my job. Nothing but scrub, scrub, mop, mop, from +morning to night. Look at them young ladies, a drinkin' tea and me doin' +the scrub work. I'm tired of being scholar, I am. + +GRANDMA. (_after reading telegram_) You are tired of being a scholar, +are you, PAULINE? + +PAULINE. Yes'm. I'm sick of it. I've learned this scrubbin' lesson from +the cellar up. + +GRANDMA. So you have, dear, so you have! You do it very well. And I am +going to reward you. + +PAULINE. (_happily_) Reward me, mam? + +GRANDMA. Yes. I have just received word my newly engaged Professor of +Rudimentary Household Science cannot come. How would you like to be a +professor, Pauline? + +PAULINE. Oh, me a professor, mam! Me, who has nothing but rags to my +name, a professor? + +GRANDMA. Yes, Pauline. I have made up my mind. I am going to make you +my Professor of Rudiments. Young ladies, this is our new Professor of +Rudiments, (_all curtsey_) + +PAULINE, (_wiping her eyes_) I feel like I ought to make a speech, mam, +but I can't, I'm that overcome. I don't feel like I could do justice to +the job, mam. + +GRANDMA. Oh, yes you can, my dear. Now, your duties as Professor of +Rudiments will consist in teaching the young ladies scrubbing-- + +PAULINE. Scrubbin'? + +GRANDMA. Yes, scrubbing, and mopping, and blacking stoves. + +PAULINE. Scrubbin' an' moppin' an' blackin' stoves? + +GRANDMA. Just so. And you will teach by example. The young ladies will +study your methods. You will scrub and mop and black stoves, and they +will watch you. + +PAULINE. I'll scrub and mop and--It's mighty like the job of bein' +scholar, ain't it, mam? What pay do I get, mam, for all this scrub and +mop? + +GRANDMA. Pay? I am surprised you should ask for pay when I have given +you such a position of trust and honor. But there. If you must have pay, +you shall have it. I will give you the work you owe me for the tuition +you have received. + +PAULINE, (puzzled) Yes'm. Thank you, mam. Now, now, do you do that work +I owe you, or do I do it? + +GRANDMA. What a question! You do it, of course. You owe it to me, child, +don't you? (PAULINE _stands puzzled_) Now, young ladies, I will leave +you to your two new Professors, (_exit_ GRANDMA) + +(PAULINE, _when she is gone, stands puzzled. Turning her head she sees +dummy. She grasps it, raises it above her head, ana throws it down +angrily_) + +PAULINE. Get to work, you husband, get to work! (_ goes to tea table and +eats and drinks during the following scene_) + +SUSAN. Fellow females! (_the girls ignore her. They chatter loudly with +one another. Finally_ KATE's _voice is heard_) + +KATE. Well, I'll never speak to John again as long as I live. + +GRACE. Well, he can't be a bit worse than Arthur. Oh, I'm so mad at +Arthur. I was so mad I could have slapped him. + +EDITH. What did he do, Grace? + +GRACE. I met him on Main Street, quite by chance, you know, and he said, +"Hello, GRACE, you don't want an ice cream soda, do you?" And I said, +"Oh, I don't care." And he said, "Oh, well, if you don't care!" + +IDA. The _horrid_ thing. I think boys are just too horrid for anything. +I oo-ooed at George to-day, and he didn't OO-OO back at me at all. I'm +through with George! + +EDITH. Imagine! When I Oo-oo at a boy and he doesn't OO-OO back I +consider it a deadly insult. I suppose he was talking to some other +girl. + +IDA. No, he wasn't! He was riding his motor cycle, and he was only two +blocks away-- + +EDITH. Perhaps he didn't hear you. + +IDA. That's no excuse at all. When a girl oo-oos it is a boy's duty to +hear. I always hear when George oo-oos. + +MAY. Certainly! Any gentleman would OO-OO back at a girl if she oo-ooed +at him. + +KATE. I suppose you mean Henry would OO-OO back at you. You and Henry! + +MAY. Thank you, but I don't speak to Henry any more. I've sent _him_ +about his business! I was going over to the tennis court yesterday, and +I oo-ooed at him, and he said, "Where are you going, MAY?" and I said, +"I'm going to play tennis, if I can find a partner." And what do you +think _he_ said? + +GRACE. What did he say? + +MAY. He said, "Well, I'm sorry I can't go with, you!" + +All. Oh, how horrid! + +EDITH. Well, I've had all of _Sam_ I want! When I got home from school +yesterday I sat on the front porch _all_ afternoon. Of course I expected +Sam would happen to pass by. + +KATE. Of course. Any gentleman _would_ happen, to pass by. + +EDITH. Certainly. And there I sat. And sat. And sat. And no Sam came +by. Oh, I was mad. And what do you think his excuse was? His mother had +fallen down the cellar stairs and broken her arm. + +KATE. And he let that keep him home! Girls, I think the way the boys +treat us is perfectly outrageous! There are whole minutes in every day +when they don't think of us at all. + +GRACE. Oh, not _whole_ minutes. + +KATE. Well, parts of minutes, anyway. I understand that several times +this term several of the boys almost knew their lessons. That couldn't +happen if they thought of us _all_ the time. + +All. The horrid things! + +KATE. Well, for my part, I'm through with boys! I wish they were +all--all extinct. + +SUSAN, (_rapping on table with her umbrella_) Ladies! Fellow females! +I have heard what you said. Your wrongs are enormous, but what does man +live for but to oppress us? We are down-trod, down-trod by man, that +worm that like a roaring lion seeks to cast dust in our eyes with his +soaring wings while he rends our heart with his cruel beak! Shall we, +ladies, be slaves to a worm? + +PAULINE. No, mam. (_curtseys_) + +SUSAN. No! You wish the men were extinct. We will extinguish them. Why +waste your lives here doing plain and fancy sewing-- + +PAULINE. And scrubbin'-- + +SUSAN. When woman was meant to occupy the noblest spheres? Wives? Faugh! +Housewives? Faugh! Let us take the work of the men, and do it! Follow +the bright banner of Susan Jane Jones, the Militant Suffragette, and +drive the men into the sea! I have heard the story of your wrongs-- + +KATE. Well, I do think Henry was just too mean for anything. + +SUSAN. Sewing! Scrubbing! Have you women never wished to do the work of +men? + +KATE. Yes, I have. I always wanted to be a doctor, but my father +wouldn't hear of it. + +GRACE. What kind of a doctor, Kate? + +KATE. Oh, a handsome doctor with curly gray hair. And you, Grace? + +GRACE. Oh, I want to be a lawyer, a plump, jolly lawyer. And you, Edith? + +EDITH. I want to be an editor. + +GRACE. Republican or Democrat? + +EDITH. I don't know. The kind with a big automobile. And you, Ida? + +IDA. I want to be a politician. + +Mat. An honest one, of course. + +IDA. Well, no. A successful politician. And you, May? + +Mat. I want to run a vegetable market, where the women can come with +their market baskets. + +SUSAN. Where the _men_ can come with their market baskets, (_to_ +PAULINE) And you, you poor creature, have you never felt the longing to +usurp man's sphere? Have you never longed to do a man's work? + +PAULINE. Oh, yes, mam. This humble heart (_tapping her waist_) has felt +the what-you-call it many a time. I have always wished, mam, to be a +pirate. + +All. A pirate! + +PAULINE. A pirate. And why not? That's men's work. Listen:-- + + Since my mother's lap I played in + When I was a wee small maiden-- + +SUSAN. Just so high! + +All. Just so high! + +PAULINE. + + I have had a great ambition + For to better my condition-- + +SUSAN. So have I. + +All. So have I. + +PAULINE. + + Dolls was things I much detested + Toys left me uninterested. + Even as a little baby + I had hopes that sometime, maybe + I could be a roaring pirate, + Be a swearing, tearing pirate, + Be a shocking, wicked pirate, + With a cruel, cruel eye, + +SUSAN. I call that a very noble and uplifting ambition for a modern +young lady. + +PAULINE. + +Listen:-- + + I have dreamed of death and slaughter + On the wild tumultuous water + +SUSAN. Oh, how dear! + +ALL. Oh, how dear! + +PAULINE. + + I have longed to wear a dagger + And cut throats, and swear, and swagger. + +SUSAN, Hear! Hear! + +All. Hear! Hear! + +PAULINE. + + All around me, dead and dying, + I would see my victims lying; + And I'd laugh out loud and louder + As I smelled the blood and powder, + For I'd be a roaring pirate, + Be a swearing, tearing pirate, + Bloody-bones, the heartless pirate, + With a cruel, cruel eye. + +SUSAN. I consider Bloody-bones a very sweet name for a young lady +pirate. Very! + +PAULINE. Yes, mam. (_curtseys_) So, if it's all the same to you, I'd +like to be a pirate, mam, SUSAN. Certainly. A pirate's life is a very +mannish occupation. + +KATE. Wouldn't it be lovely to be a pirate! It is much more interesting +than being a doctor. + +PAULINE. Yes, Miss Kate. And there's no scrubbin' on a pirate craft. The +wash of the sea is merely a poetical term. And if the men is drove off +the land, they'll take to ships, do you see, and there'll be plenty of +work for a respectable, blood-thirsty lady pirate to do, catchin' 'em +and extinguishing 'em. + +GRACE. Oh, girls, wouldn't it be lovely to be pirates? + +SUSAN. Then be pirates! The Militant Suffragettes need a navy as well as +an army. Every revolution needs its privateers. + +KATE. No more sewing! (_gathers up sewing and throws it down_) + +PAULINE. No more scrubbin'. (_throws away mop and brush_) + +GRACE. No more rag bags! (_takes rag bag from chair, and is about to +throw it, when red rags fall out_) + +PAULINE. Hold on, Miss GRACE! Pirates is mostly dressed out of rag bags, +(_winds red rag around_ GRACE's _head, and a red rag as sash. All do +likewise_) Wait till I get the swords, (_exit_ PAULINE) + +KATE, (_front, with clenched fists_) OO--I feel blood-thirsty! + +SUSAN. And you look extremely blood-thirsty. + +GRACE, OO--I feel ferocious! + +SUSAN. And you look too ferocious for anything. + +EDITH. OO--I feel wicked! + +SUSAN. You are certainly a fear-compelling sight. + +IDA. OO--I feel murderous! + +SUSAN. You look like a most criminal character. + +Mat. OO--I feel dangerous! + +SUSAN. You look extremely dangerous. + +PAULINE. (_entering with table knives, etc_.) OO--I feel like if I seen +a cake of soap I could kick it! (_she distributes knives_) + +SUSAN. Reserve your wrath for the men. (_drawing them all to her_) +Hist! To-night--at dead of night--we will capture--a lumber schooner--at +Copp's lumber yard-- + +All. Aye! Aye! Mam! + +SUSAN. To-night--at dead of night--meet me--at the corner of--Main and +Broadway! + +All. Aye! Aye! Mam! + +SUSAN. To-night--at dead of night--we will strangle the watchmen-- + +KATE. At dead of night? I don't think we ought to strangle watchmen at +dead of night unless we have a chaperone, do you girls? + +SUSAN. Nonsense! What kind of Suffragettes are you to need a chaperone? +I don't have a chaperone. + +GRACE. Well, I don't care! I'm not going out strangling at night without +a chaperone! It isn't proper. + +SUSAN. But you are a pirate. + +EDITH. I don't care if we are pirates. We don't have to be improper +pirates. I want to strangle and murder in a perfectly proper manner. + +PAULINE. How about takin' the old lady with you? + +KATE. Grandma Gregg? Why, she's no Suffragette. Oh, girls! The very +thing! We _will_ take Grandma Gregg! We'll capture her! We'll take her, +in chains! + +SUSAN. Excellent! _You_ will have your chaperone, and I will be rid of +the most dangerous Anti-suffra-gette! Seek her and seize her! + +All. We go! We go! (_exit all, left, except_ PAULINE) (_enter_ GRANDMA +GREGG, _right_) + +GRANDMA. I thought I heard a noise, Pauline. How are the dear girls +getting on with their lessons? + +PAULINE, (_curtseys_) Fine, mam. They're learning new tricks every day. + +GRANDMA. (_picking up dummy and laying it over chair back_) Very good. +But I wouldn't wear a bandeau on my hair if I were you, Pauline. I don't +like these ribbons bound around the head of young girls. They make them +look like pirates. (PAULINE _starts uneasily_) + +PAULINE. Pirates, mam? What a notion! + +GRANDMA. Pirates, or Italian ditch diggers. + +PAULINE, (_boldly_) Well, mam, let it be pirates, then. Pirate is what I +am. (_hesitates_) Grandma Gregg, you've always been good to me, barring +the scrubbing and mopping and blacking shoes and stoves. If I was you, +mam, I'd pack some clothes, so as to be ready for the sea voyage. + +GRANDMA. Me? A sea voyage? + +PAULINE. Yes'm. (_curtseys_) This Susan Jane Jones is not what she +seems, mam. I let on, mam, I was of her way of thinking, mam, but I +ain't. A husband is good enough woman's rights for me, mam. A nice, +quiet, well-behaved husband like that one there is all I want. + +GRANDMA. I don't understand you. + +PAULINE. Susan Jane Jones is a Militant Suffragette, mam. + +GRANDMA. A Militant Suffragette? In this academy? + +PAULINE. Yes, mam. (_curtseys_) She's here like a snake in the grass, +mam, and her and the young ladies is goin' to extinguish all the men. +They're all goin' to be pirates, mam, and most bloody minded pirates +they be, too. And you, mam, that never did them any harm, they are going +to capture and take along with them in chains. For a chaperone, mam. + +GRANDMA, (_hanging her head_) And is this the reward for my efforts to +make good wives of them! + +(_Enter_ SUSAN _cautiously. She beckons to the girls_.) + +SUSAN. This way! She's here! + +(_The girls creep in, knives in their teeth, swaggering like story-book +pirates._ SUSAN _folds her arms._) + +SUSAN. Woman! Your hour has come! + +GRANDMA. Well, I do declare! + +SUSAN. These poor maidens you thought to corrupt into housework ways, I +have won from you. Here, to-day, the revolution that will sweep the men +from the land and sea, begins! We are resolved! ALL. (_shouting_) We are +resolved! + +SUSAN. In these hearts burns nothing but hatred and detestation of man. + +ALL. (_shouting_) Hatred and detestation. + +KATE. We don't want to have anything more to do with men. + +GRACE. We are absolutely through with them. And with boys, too. + +GRANDMA. Now, my dears-- + +SUSAN. Enough! Pirates, do your duty! Seize that man! (_two girls seize +and bind the dummy_) + +SUSAN. Ha! Ha! Now seize and bind and gag that woman, (_points to_ +GRANDMA. _The girls rush at_ GRANDMA, _who skips backward_) + +SUSAN, (_front, rubbing her hands with joy_) pirates! My faithful band +of man-haters, (_to audience_) You men, your turn is next! + +A BOY'S VOICE. (_off stage_) OO-oo! + +(KATE, _who it about to bind_ GRANDMA, _stops and listens_.) + +KATE That's John! + +SECOND BOY'S VOICE. (_off stage) Oo-oo! Oo-oo!_) + +GRACE. (_listening_) That's--that's Arthur! + +SEVERAL BOY'S VOICES. Oo-oo! Oo-Oo! Oo-oo! + +EDITH, IDA and Mat. That's Sam! That's George! That's Henry! (_all crowd +to door and look out_) + +KATE. (_eagerly_) Oh, girls! It's the boys, they want us to come out! +Where's my hat? + +(_All rush in a crowd to sofa and begin digging wildly into wraps and +hats, putting them on as hastily as possible_) + +SUSAN. Girls! Pirates! Stop! The revolution! Remember your cause! + +KATE. (_pinning on her hat_) Revolution! I haven't time for revolutions, +don't you hear the boys calling us? + +SUSAN. Stop! Are you not women? + +GRACE. (_as all come forward_) Women? Pirates? Why no, we are just the +I. I. Club. Just girls. Just sweet girls! + +VOICES, (_off stage_) Oo-oo! + +GIRLS. Oo-oo! Oo-oo! Oo-oo! (_they rush out_) + +(SUSAN _slowly picks up umbrella and hand bag, and moves to door_. +GRANDMA _takes up her knitting._ PAULINE _picks up her mop, and looks +lovingly at dummy_.) + +PAULINE. I'm ashamed of you, sir. Why didn't you-oo at me when all them +boys was oo-ooing? you had oo-ooed at me I would have oo-ooed back. + +GRANDMA. (_with interest_) Did he speak to you, Pauline? + +PAULINE. No, mam. He's an Ideal Husband, and Ideal Husbands don't talk +back, mam. + +(CURTAIN) + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Revolt, by Ellis Parker Butler + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44221 *** diff --git a/44221-h/44221-h.htm b/44221-h/44221-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..857df0f --- /dev/null +++ b/44221-h/44221-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,1386 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="UTF-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + The Revolt, by Ellis Parker Butler + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:20%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { margin-top: .75em; margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 100%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + .side { float: left; font-size: 75%; width: 25%; padding-left: 0.8em; + border-left: dashed thin; text-align: left; + text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; + font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44221 ***</div> + + <div style="height: 8em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + THE REVOLT + </h1> + <h3> + A PLAY IN ONE ACT + </h3> + <h2> + BY ELLIS PARKER BUTLER + </h2> + <h4> + Author of "Pigs Is Pigs" etc. + </h4> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h5> + Copyright, 1912, by Samuel French + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + + + +<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> +<img src="images/titlepage.jpg" alt="titlepage" width="100%" /><br /></div> + + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + <b>CONTENTS</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> CHARACTERS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> THE REVOLT </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHARACTERS + </h2> + <p> + GRANDMA GREGG—Founder of the Flushing Academy of Household Science + for Young Ladies. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE—Working out her tuition. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN JANE JONES—An Emissary of the American Ladies' Association for + the Promotion of Female Supremacy. + </p> + <p> + KATE—A student. + </p> + <p> + GRACE—A student. + </p> + <p> + EDITH—A student. + </p> + <p> + IDA—A student. + </p> + <p> + MAY—A student. + </p> + <p> + OTHER YOUNG LADY STUDENTS. + </p> + <p> + THE IDEAL HUSBAND—by himself. + </p> + <p> + SCENE.—The class room of Grandma Gregg's Academy of Household + Science for Young Ladies, at Flushing. + </p> + <p> + TIME.—Now or soon. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE REVOLT + </h2> + <p> + SCENE.—<i>The Class-room. A table. Chairs arranged in semi-circle; + an easy chair for Grandma Gregg. Screen in one corner. Chairs or couch + upon which to lay wraps and hats. Otherwise an ordinary room. Tea things + on the table.</i> + </p> + <p> + (PAULINE, <i>center of stage, with pail, broom, dusting rag, scrubbing + brushes and mop, is discovered on hands and knees scrubbing. As curtain + rises she rises to her knees, throws scrubbing brush and soap into the + pail, gets up with difficulty and mops the floor. She is singing.</i>) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (singing) "All alone, all alone, nobody here but me. All alone, + all alone, nobody here but me, All alone, all—" (<i>she stops + mopping and leans on the mop handle</i>) Here it is now two weeks I've + been workin' out my tuition in this Academy of Household Science for Young + Ladies, and 'tis nothin' but scrub, scrub, mop, mop, sweep, sweep, from + mornin' 'til night! I see plenty of work, but none of that tuition has + come my way yet "Wanted," says the advertisement, "a young lady to work + out her tuition in an academy." It says that, "Grandma Gregg's Flushing + Academy of Household Science," it says, "fits the young ladies for to + occupy properly their positions at the heads of their homes," it says, "It + will be a fine thing for you, Pauline," I says, "to be tuitioned in an + Academy," so I come, (<i>mops</i>) "We'll begin your lessons right away," + says Grandma Gregg, "take th' scrub brush an' a pail of water an' some + soap an' scrub th' cellar." I've been scrubbin' ever since. I don't care + much for the higher education when there is so much scrub in it. (<i>mops</i>) + </p> + <p> + (GRANDMA GREGG <i>enters</i>. PAULINE, <i>not seeing her, goes to table + and examines tea things, books, etc.</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA GREGG. Pauline! + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>beginning to mop hastily</i>) Yes'm! + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Pauline. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>making a curtsey</i>) Good mornin', Grandma Gregg. I hope I + see you well to-day. (<i>changing her tone</i>) If it ain't askin' too + much, mam, when does my tuitioning begin? I've been scrubbin' for two + weeks now, from mornin' 'til night— + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Have you scrubbed the cellar, Pauline? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes'm. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Pauline. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>curtseying</i>) No'm. (<i>curtsey</i>) Yes'm. (<i>curtsey</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. You have scrubbed the cellar? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE (<i>curtseying</i>) Yes'm. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. And the garret? And the first floor? And the second floor? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE, (<i>curtseying</i>) Yes'm. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Very good, very good, Pauline. Then, when you have finished + scrubbing this class room, you may scrub the front porch and the stable. + Then it will be time to scrub the cellar again. You are doing very nicely. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes'm, thank you, mam. (<i>curtsey</i>) But I was thinkin', mam, + maybe I could have a little more tuition, and a little less work. "Work + and tuition" was what the advertisement said, mam, an' I've seen nothin' + but the work yet. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. My dear child! My dear, sweet child! I don't understand you. You + have done no work yet. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>looking at her dress and at pail and mop</i>) I've done no + work? I wonder, now, what I have been doin'! + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. (<i>placidly</i>) You have been receiving your tuition. In this + academy the study of Household Science begins with the rudiments. + Scrubbing is one of the rudiments. As a new scholar you begin with the + rudiments, of course. And I must say you are doing very well. You are + making excellent progress. Apply yourself earnestly to your lessons and in + a short time you will be promoted to another class. (PAULINE <i>stands + with her mouth open as</i> GRANDMA <i>talks. She seems to be stunned</i>) + Let me see you scrub, Pauline. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>dropping on her knees and taking brush from pail</i>) Yes'm. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Pauline. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>curtseying on her knees</i>) No'm (curtsey. She scrubs) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Very good indeed! Very good indeed! You are progressing, Pauline! + You are progressing. Apply yourself faithfully to your lessons. You may + study awhile on the front porch now. And don't be afraid to use your + muscle. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>gathers up her pail and mop, etc. At door she turns</i>) Good + morning, Grandma Gregg. (<i>curtseys</i>) (<i>aside</i>) Rudiment, is it? + If I haven't done any work yet, I wonder now what the work will be like. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. (<i>has dropped into her chair and taken up her knitting</i>) + Pauline. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes'm. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Did you curtsey, Pauline? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. No'm. (curtseys) But I will, (<i>curtseys</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Pauline, have the new Professors come yet? I have hired two new + Professors. A Professor of Husbandology, and a Professor of Rudiments. + They are very highly recommended. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Beg pardon mam, but what's Husbandology? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Husbandology is the Science of the Proper Treatment of Husbands. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. And I know what Rudiments is. It's scrubbin'. No, mam, nothin' + like them has come yet. "All alone. All alone—" (<i>sings</i>) (<i>exit</i> + PAULINE) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA, (knits) Dear me! Dear me! I thought when I started this Academy + the girls would flock to it most eagerly. When I was a young girl my + mother would have been glad to have an academy like this for me to attend. + I don't know what the world is coming to. Suffragists and Suffragettes, + and Suffrage—this and Suffrage—that! If this academy wasn't + sustained by the Anti-suffrage League it would have to close its doors. (<i>sees + a book on table, takes it in hand</i>) "Woman and Her Rights." (<i>with + disgust</i>) Augh! Who brought that here? (<i>throws it on floor</i>) I + declare, I believe this is the last stronghold of the old-fashioned + home-loving woman. I teach the girls to be good wives, (<i>door bell rings</i>) + (<i>enter</i> PAULINE) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE, (<i>curtseys</i>) If you please, mam, there's a female at the + door says she is the new Professor of Husbandology. It's Susan Jane Jones, + mam. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Show her in, Pauline. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes'm. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Pauline. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. No'm. (<i>curtseys</i>) (<i>exit</i> PAULINE) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. I hope Susan Jane Jones will be a real nice lady. There's nothing + in the world more necessary than lessons on the Proper Treatment of + Husbands. Women don't seem to know how to treat husbands now-a-days. They + neglect 'em, the poor things. When I was a girl—(<i>enter</i> Susan + Jane Jones.) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. (<i>strides into room with umbrella held by middle and hand bag + under one atm. Slaps them on table, and begins pulling off her gloves</i>) + Well, here I am— + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. (<i>mildly</i>) Don't forget your curtsey, Miss Jones. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. (surprised) Hey? What's that? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. (<i>gently</i>) All the faculty and students curtsey when they + come into my presence, Miss Jones. It is a sweet old-fashioned custom— + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. (<i>briskly</i>) Well, I'll soon change that—I mean, Howdy! + Howdy! (<i>bobs several times</i>) (<i>aside</i>) I must not forget I am + here as a spy in the enemy's country. If you are going to do the Romans + you must do as the Romans do. (to GRANDMA) Swell joint you've got here, + old lady. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA, (<i>rubbing knees</i>) Swell joints? Yes, my dear, a little + rheumatiz makes the joints swell. But I don't complain. I'm an old lady. I + have to expect some aches and pains at my time of life. I'm thankful I can + do a little good work in the world. Do you understand What your duties + will be? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Sure Mike! I'm the Husbandology lady. I teach the girls how to + treat their husbands when they get 'em. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Just so. You will lecture on How to Coddle and Pet a Husband. + Five lectures. Then you will give five lectures on Smoothing the Lines of + </p> + <p> + Care from Hubby's Brow. Then—of course you show by example how all + this is done. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. By example? You don't have a man here, do you? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. We use the practical method in our classes. "Practice makes + perfect," you know, (<i>calls</i>) Pauline! + </p> + <p> + PAULINE, (<i>off stage</i>) Yes'm, I'm comin'. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA, (<i>calling</i>) Bring me the Ideal Husband, Pauline. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes'm. In a minute, mam. + </p> + <p> + (<i>Enter</i> PAULINE <i>with the Dummy Husband under her arm. She throws + it into a chair. Exit.</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. There! That is our Ideal Husband. He is all a husband should be. + He does not drink nor smoke. He does not go to the club at night. He never + says an unkind word. And he is happy. Do you know why? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Go ahead. I'll be the goat. What's the answer? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. He is happy because we are kind to him. Because we coddle and pet + him. I think, before I finally engage you, Miss Jones, I would like to see + an example of your method of coddling and petting. + </p> + <p> + (SUSAN <i>looks at the dummy thoughtfully, takes a step toward it and + pauses, another step, and so on. Finally she jerks the dummy from the + chair by the head and lays the head on her shoulder.</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Poor hubby, does his poor head ache? (<i>pats dummy</i>) Was he out + so late last night? (<i>puts dummy gently in chair</i>) Let little wifey + rub his poor head, (<i>does so</i>) What did hubby say? All right, little + wifey will tie a nice cold cloth around poor hubby's head. (does this) + Now, kiss little wifey. (<i>kisses dummy</i>) What did hubby say? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. What did he say? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. He said "For goodness sake get away from here and leave me alone. + Can't you see I'm a sick man? Get out of here and stop bothering me." + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA, (<i>admiringly</i>) How like a real man! And what do you do next? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. (<i>looking around</i>) I get a pillow. (<i>gets one from couch and + puts it lade of dummy</i>) And I wrap up his feet (<i>does it</i>) There, + poor dear. He's sleeping now. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Very good. You will do very well. Remember to teach that wives + should obey their husbands and be kind to them. Husbands are such tender + creatures. We should love them and obey them. I will see that your room is + in order. No doubt you will wish to practise coddling the Ideal Husband a + little longer before your classes begin. (<i>exit</i> GRANDMA) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN, (<i>alone</i>) Get off that chair, you big brute! (<i>jerks dummy + of chair</i>) Come home intoxicated, will you? (<i>throws dummy back on + chair</i>) Don't talk back to me! (<i>takes up dummy again</i>) You are + going out, are you? Well, go out! (<i>walks toward screen with dummy</i>) + Out you go! I'll stand no nonsense, I tell you! (<i>throws dummy behind + screen</i>) Go, if you want to! There! Coddle and pet them! That's how I + coddle and pet them! (<i>looks around</i>) This is a nice situation for + Susan Jane Jones, Captain of Company A, First Regiment, Militant + Suffragettes! But all is fair in Love and Votes for Women! This academy is + the last stronghold of the old-fashioned woman, and from in it the tender + young girls learn the vicious habits of keeping house, being good + housewives and attending to their own affairs as their grandmothers did. + From this root anti-suffragism might spread over the whole world, and I + have crept in, like a spy, to corrupt and destroy it. Woman must and will + rule! (<i>enter</i> KATE <i>pouting</i>) + </p> + <p> + KATE. (<i>not seeing</i> SUSAN) I don't care! I don't care one bit! I'm + never, never going to speak to John Mason again as long as I live. I think + he is just too horrid for anything, (<i>takes off coat and hat and throws + them on sofa</i>) I just hate him. I hate every boy that ever lived, I do! + I think they are mean, overbearing, egotistical things. (<i>wipes her eyes</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. (<i>clapping her hands once</i>) My sentiments exactly! I so + consider all men. + </p> + <p> + KATE. (<i>startled</i>) Oh! I did not know anyone was here. Good morning! + (<i>curtseys</i>) Please, you won't tell Grandma Gregg what I said, will + you? (<i>with head on one side</i>) She wouldn't like it. (<i>picking at + her fingers</i>) She says females should admire and worship all males. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Humph! Fiddlesticks! Absolutely exploded theory. Latest theory is, + females should abhor and despise all males. What's a man? He's a worm. A + poor silly worm. Now, here! (<i>takes</i> KATE <i>by arm and leads her + across stage</i>) We understand each other. You have felt the cruel + oppression of a man! + </p> + <p> + KATE. I—I—I just think John Mason treated me real mean, + anyway. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Woman, how else do men ever treat us? We are slaves. But we must be + free. You think I am the new Professor of Husbandology, don't you? You + think I am here to teach you how to treat husbands, don't you? + </p> + <p> + KATE. I did think so. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN, (<i>threateningly</i>) Oh, I'll teach you how to treat husbands! + (PAULINE <i>enters and overhears, unseen. She gradually comes closer to + them</i>) I'll teach you how to treat all men. For ages man has crushed us + under his cruel heel. + </p> + <p> + KATE. Has he? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. But we will trample him under foot. + </p> + <p> + KATE. Will we? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. We must throttle him. We must crush him. + </p> + <p> + KATE. Must we? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Pooh! He's a worm. We will do without him. We will drive him from + the land. Absolutely. Man is a by-gone institution. I class him with the + stage coach and the dodo bird. Woman can do his work better than he can. + He must be driven from the land. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. But, now, mam, if he's driven from the land, he'll be taking a + death of cold in the water. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. So much the better. The object that should burn in every true + woman's heart is the utter extermination of man. (<i>to</i> KATE) You have + felt a man's cruelty. (KATE <i>wipes her eyes</i>) + </p> + <p> + KATE. I don't see why boys have to be so mean. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. And you, too, you poor creature. Have you not felt the heel of the + oppressor? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Heel of the oppressor? Mercy sakes! That reminds me. Grandma + Gregg sent me for to get the Ideal Husband and take him down cellar and + black his shoes for him. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN, (<i>triumphantly</i>) You see! Man makes slaves of us all! + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Has any of you seen the Ideal Husband? Grandma Gregg said he was + in the Classroom conversin' with the new Professor. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. (<i>carelessly</i>) Oh, he's gone to his club. I mean, look behind + the screen. + </p> + <p> + (PAULINE <i>gets the dummy, and carries it out, its feet dragging behind + her on the floor. Exit</i> PAULINE.) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. My child, the time for the great revolution is at hand. Woman is + about to take her rightfully supreme place in the world. In me you see one + of the leaders of the Militant Suffragettes. Can I count on you? + </p> + <p> + KATE. I don't know. I think John Mason treated me just too mean—Oh! + here Comes Grandma Gregg. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Hush. Not a word of this! (<i>in a changed tone</i>). Yes, my dear, + when his head aches take a handful of chopped ice, and fold it in a + bandage— + </p> + <p> + (<i>Enter</i> GRANDMA GREGG.) + </p> + <p> + KATE, (<i>curtseys</i>) Good morning, Grandma Gregg. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Good morning, my dear. (GRANDMA <i>seats herself and begins + knitting</i>. KATE <i>takes sewing from bag and sews</i>. SUSAN <i>picks + up book from floor and begins to read</i>.) + </p> + <p> + (<i>Enter</i> GRACE.) + </p> + <p> + GRACE. (<i>curtseys</i>) Good morning, GRANDMA GREGG. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Good morning, my dear. + </p> + <p> + (GRACE <i>seats herself and sews. Enter</i> EDITH <i>and</i> IDA.) + </p> + <p> + EDITH and IDA. (<i>curtsey</i>) Good morning, Grandma Gregg. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Good morning, my dears. + </p> + <p> + (<i>Enter</i> MAY <i>and other girls.</i>) + </p> + <p> + MAY and Other Girls, (<i>curtsey</i>) Good morning, Grandma Gregg. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Good morning, my dears. And now we are all here, have you all + done your home work? Let me see it. (<i>the girls advance, by ones or twos + and show their sewing</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Very good—The stitches are a little too large, sweetheart— + This buttonhole might be a little neater, precious, etc. (<i>girls take + seats again, and sew</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Grace, will you act as monitor of the teapot? + </p> + <p> + GRACE. Yes, Grandma Gregg. (<i>curtseys, and makes tea</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Now, young ladies, will you repeat the Golden Text for the day? + </p> + <p> + ALL. "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. (<i>scornfully and aside</i>) Yes, feed the beast and he'll grin. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Kate, do you know your precept? + </p> + <p> + KATE. (<i>curtseys</i>) + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + A husband is a precious thing, + He is the woman's lord and king. +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN. (<i>aside</i>) He was, but now he's no such thing. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. GRACE? + </p> + <p> + GRACE. (<i>with a curtsey</i>) + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + A wife should never hem and haw, + Her husband's word should be her law. +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN. (aside) Does any woman think that? Pshaw! + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Next. + </p> + <p> + EDITH. (<i>curtseys</i>) + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Woman within her home should stay + Her duties there should be her play. +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN, (<i>aside</i>) That sentiment don't go to-day. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Next. + </p> + <p> + IDA. (<i>curtseys</i>) + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The man is noble, strong and brave; + Woman should be his loving slave. +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN. <i>That</i> notion's in its little grave! + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Very good, my darlings, (<i>she rises</i>) Edith, yesterday you + could not tell me all the ingredients of bread. Do you know now what you + omitted? + </p> + <p> + EDITH. Yes, Grandma Gregg. Add a cup of butter. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Correct. IDA, if you had a husband and he came home very late, + what would you do? + </p> + <p> + IDA. (<i>curtseys</i>) I would pretend to be fast, fast asleep. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Yes. And what would you say the next morning? + </p> + <p> + IDA. "Good morning, dear. I was asleep when you came in. I hope you had a + pleasant evening." + </p> + <p> + (GRACE <i>passes tea. Door bell rings.</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Now, Miss— + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Susan Jane Jones. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Miss Jones. (SUSAN <i>curtseys</i>) + You may take the class now, Miss Jones, and give it instruction in the + proper treatment of husbands. Inculcate ideas of meekness and gentleness. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Oh, I'll inculcate. Have no fear of that. (<i>Enter</i> PAULINE. <i>She + has a telegram which she hands to</i> GRANDMA. <i>Also has the dummy, + which she throws on the floor carelessly</i>.) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Here's your husband. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. My dear child, you should not handle a husband in that manner. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. I'll not be handling that husband in any manner very long, mam. + I'm going to quit my job. Nothing but scrub, scrub, mop, mop, from morning + to night. Look at them young ladies, a drinkin' tea and me doin' the scrub + work. I'm tired of being scholar, I am. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. (<i>after reading telegram</i>) You are tired of being a scholar, + are you, PAULINE? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes'm. I'm sick of it. I've learned this scrubbin' lesson from + the cellar up. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. So you have, dear, so you have! You do it very well. And I am + going to reward you. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>happily</i>) Reward me, mam? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Yes. I have just received word my newly engaged Professor of + Rudimentary Household Science cannot come. How would you like to be a + professor, Pauline? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Oh, me a professor, mam! Me, who has nothing but rags to my name, + a professor? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Yes, Pauline. I have made up my mind. I am going to make you my + Professor of Rudiments. Young ladies, this is our new Professor of + Rudiments, (<i>all curtsey</i>) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE, (<i>wiping her eyes</i>) I feel like I ought to make a speech, + mam, but I can't, I'm that overcome. I don't feel like I could do justice + to the job, mam. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Oh, yes you can, my dear. Now, your duties as Professor of + Rudiments will consist in teaching the young ladies scrubbing— + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Scrubbin'? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Yes, scrubbing, and mopping, and blacking stoves. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Scrubbin' an' moppin' an' blackin' stoves? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Just so. And you will teach by example. The young ladies will + study your methods. You will scrub and mop and black stoves, and they will + watch you. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. I'll scrub and mop and—It's mighty like the job of bein' + scholar, ain't it, mam? What pay do I get, mam, for all this scrub and + mop? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Pay? I am surprised you should ask for pay when I have given you + such a position of trust and honor. But there. If you must have pay, you + shall have it. I will give you the work you owe me for the tuition you + have received. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE, (puzzled) Yes'm. Thank you, mam. Now, now, do you do that work I + owe you, or do I do it? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. What a question! You do it, of course. You owe it to me, child, + don't you? (PAULINE <i>stands puzzled</i>) Now, young ladies, I will leave + you to your two new Professors, (<i>exit</i> GRANDMA) + </p> + <p> + (PAULINE, <i>when she is gone, stands puzzled. Turning her head she sees + dummy. She grasps it, raises it above her head, ana throws it down angrily</i>) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Get to work, you husband, get to work! (<i> goes to tea table and + eats and drinks during the following scene</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Fellow females! (<i>the girls ignore her. They chatter loudly with + one another. Finally</i> KATE's <i>voice is heard</i>) + </p> + <p> + KATE. Well, I'll never speak to John again as long as I live. + </p> + <p> + GRACE. Well, he can't be a bit worse than Arthur. Oh, I'm so mad at + Arthur. I was so mad I could have slapped him. + </p> + <p> + EDITH. What did he do, Grace? + </p> + <p> + GRACE. I met him on Main Street, quite by chance, you know, and he said, + "Hello, GRACE, you don't want an ice cream soda, do you?" And I said, "Oh, + I don't care." And he said, "Oh, well, if you don't care!" + </p> + <p> + IDA. The <i>horrid</i> thing. I think boys are just too horrid for + anything. I oo-ooed at George to-day, and he didn't OO-OO back at me at + all. I'm through with George! + </p> + <p> + EDITH. Imagine! When I Oo-oo at a boy and he doesn't OO-OO back I consider + it a deadly insult. I suppose he was talking to some other girl. + </p> + <p> + IDA. No, he wasn't! He was riding his motor cycle, and he was only two + blocks away— + </p> + <p> + EDITH. Perhaps he didn't hear you. + </p> + <p> + IDA. That's no excuse at all. When a girl oo-oos it is a boy's duty to + hear. I always hear when George oo-oos. + </p> + <p> + MAY. Certainly! Any gentleman would OO-OO back at a girl if she oo-ooed at + him. + </p> + <p> + KATE. I suppose you mean Henry would OO-OO back at you. You and Henry! + </p> + <p> + MAY. Thank you, but I don't speak to Henry any more. I've sent <i>him</i> + about his business! I was going over to the tennis court yesterday, and I + oo-ooed at him, and he said, "Where are you going, MAY?" and I said, "I'm + going to play tennis, if I can find a partner." And what do you think <i>he</i> + said? + </p> + <p> + GRACE. What did he say? + </p> + <p> + MAY. He said, "Well, I'm sorry I can't go with, you!" + </p> + <p> + All. Oh, how horrid! + </p> + <p> + EDITH. Well, I've had all of <i>Sam</i> I want! When I got home from + school yesterday I sat on the front porch <i>all</i> afternoon. Of course + I expected Sam would happen to pass by. + </p> + <p> + KATE. Of course. Any gentleman <i>would</i> happen, to pass by. + </p> + <p> + EDITH. Certainly. And there I sat. And sat. And sat. And no Sam came by. + Oh, I was mad. And what do you think his excuse was? His mother had fallen + down the cellar stairs and broken her arm. + </p> + <p> + KATE. And he let that keep him home! Girls, I think the way the boys treat + us is perfectly outrageous! There are whole minutes in every day when they + don't think of us at all. + </p> + <p> + GRACE. Oh, not <i>whole</i> minutes. + </p> + <p> + KATE. Well, parts of minutes, anyway. I understand that several times this + term several of the boys almost knew their lessons. That couldn't happen + if they thought of us <i>all</i> the time. + </p> + <p> + All. The horrid things! + </p> + <p> + KATE. Well, for my part, I'm through with boys! I wish they were all—all + extinct. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN, (<i>rapping on table with her umbrella</i>) Ladies! Fellow females! + I have heard what you said. Your wrongs are enormous, but what does man + live for but to oppress us? We are down-trod, down-trod by man, that worm + that like a roaring lion seeks to cast dust in our eyes with his soaring + wings while he rends our heart with his cruel beak! Shall we, ladies, be + slaves to a worm? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. No, mam. (<i>curtseys</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. No! You wish the men were extinct. We will extinguish them. Why + waste your lives here doing plain and fancy sewing— + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. And scrubbin'— + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. When woman was meant to occupy the noblest spheres? Wives? Faugh! + Housewives? Faugh! Let us take the work of the men, and do it! Follow the + bright banner of Susan Jane Jones, the Militant Suffragette, and drive the + men into the sea! I have heard the story of your wrongs— + </p> + <p> + KATE. Well, I do think Henry was just too mean for anything. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Sewing! Scrubbing! Have you women never wished to do the work of + men? + </p> + <p> + KATE. Yes, I have. I always wanted to be a doctor, but my father wouldn't + hear of it. + </p> + <p> + GRACE. What kind of a doctor, Kate? + </p> + <p> + KATE. Oh, a handsome doctor with curly gray hair. And you, Grace? + </p> + <p> + GRACE. Oh, I want to be a lawyer, a plump, jolly lawyer. And you, Edith? + </p> + <p> + EDITH. I want to be an editor. + </p> + <p> + GRACE. Republican or Democrat? + </p> + <p> + EDITH. I don't know. The kind with a big automobile. And you, Ida? + </p> + <p> + IDA. I want to be a politician. + </p> + <p> + Mat. An honest one, of course. + </p> + <p> + IDA. Well, no. A successful politician. And you, May? + </p> + <p> + Mat. I want to run a vegetable market, where the women can come with their + market baskets. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Where the <i>men</i> can come with their market baskets, (<i>to</i> + PAULINE) And you, you poor creature, have you never felt the longing to + usurp man's sphere? Have you never longed to do a man's work? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Oh, yes, mam. This humble heart (<i>tapping her waist</i>) has + felt the what-you-call it many a time. I have always wished, mam, to be a + pirate. + </p> + <p> + All. A pirate! + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. A pirate. And why not? That's men's work. Listen:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Since my mother's lap I played in + When I was a wee small maiden— +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN. Just so high! + </p> + <p> + All. Just so high! + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I have had a great ambition + For to better my condition— +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN. So have I. + </p> + <p> + All. So have I. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Dolls was things I much detested + Toys left me uninterested. + Even as a little baby + I had hopes that sometime, maybe + I could be a roaring pirate, + Be a swearing, tearing pirate, + Be a shocking, wicked pirate, + With a cruel, cruel eye, +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN. I call that a very noble and uplifting ambition for a modern young + lady. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. + </p> + <p> + Listen:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I have dreamed of death and slaughter + On the wild tumultuous water +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN. Oh, how dear! + </p> + <p> + ALL. Oh, how dear! + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I have longed to wear a dagger + And cut throats, and swear, and swagger. +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN, Hear! Hear! + </p> + <p> + All. Hear! Hear! + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + All around me, dead and dying, + I would see my victims lying; + And I'd laugh out loud and louder + As I smelled the blood and powder, + For I'd be a roaring pirate, + Be a swearing, tearing pirate, + Bloody-bones, the heartless pirate, + With a cruel, cruel eye. +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN. I consider Bloody-bones a very sweet name for a young lady pirate. + Very! + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes, mam. (<i>curtseys</i>) So, if it's all the same to you, I'd + like to be a pirate, mam, SUSAN. Certainly. A pirate's life is a very + mannish occupation. + </p> + <p> + KATE. Wouldn't it be lovely to be a pirate! It is much more interesting + than being a doctor. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes, Miss Kate. And there's no scrubbin' on a pirate craft. The + wash of the sea is merely a poetical term. And if the men is drove off the + land, they'll take to ships, do you see, and there'll be plenty of work + for a respectable, blood-thirsty lady pirate to do, catchin' 'em and + extinguishing 'em. + </p> + <p> + GRACE. Oh, girls, wouldn't it be lovely to be pirates? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Then be pirates! The Militant Suffragettes need a navy as well as + an army. Every revolution needs its privateers. + </p> + <p> + KATE. No more sewing! (<i>gathers up sewing and throws it down</i>) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. No more scrubbin'. (<i>throws away mop and brush</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRACE. No more rag bags! (<i>takes rag bag from chair, and is about to + throw it, when red rags fall out</i>) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Hold on, Miss GRACE! Pirates is mostly dressed out of rag bags, (<i>winds + red rag around</i> GRACE's <i>head, and a red rag as sash. All do likewise</i>) + Wait till I get the swords, (<i>exit</i> PAULINE) + </p> + <p> + KATE, (<i>front, with clenched fists</i>) OO—I feel blood-thirsty! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. And you look extremely blood-thirsty. + </p> + <p> + GRACE, OO—I feel ferocious! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. And you look too ferocious for anything. + </p> + <p> + EDITH. OO—I feel wicked! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. You are certainly a fear-compelling sight. + </p> + <p> + IDA. OO—I feel murderous! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. You look like a most criminal character. + </p> + <p> + Mat. OO—I feel dangerous! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. You look extremely dangerous. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>entering with table knives, etc</i>.) OO—I feel like if + I seen a cake of soap I could kick it! (<i>she distributes knives</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Reserve your wrath for the men. (<i>drawing them all to her</i>) + Hist! To-night—at dead of night—we will capture—a lumber + schooner—at Copp's lumber yard— + </p> + <p> + All. Aye! Aye! Mam! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. To-night—at dead of night—meet me—at the corner + of—Main and Broadway! + </p> + <p> + All. Aye! Aye! Mam! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. To-night—at dead of night—we will strangle the watchmen— + </p> + <p> + KATE. At dead of night? I don't think we ought to strangle watchmen at + dead of night unless we have a chaperone, do you girls? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Nonsense! What kind of Suffragettes are you to need a chaperone? I + don't have a chaperone. + </p> + <p> + GRACE. Well, I don't care! I'm not going out strangling at night without a + chaperone! It isn't proper. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. But you are a pirate. + </p> + <p> + EDITH. I don't care if we are pirates. We don't have to be improper + pirates. I want to strangle and murder in a perfectly proper manner. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. How about takin' the old lady with you? + </p> + <p> + KATE. Grandma Gregg? Why, she's no Suffragette. Oh, girls! The very thing! + We <i>will</i> take Grandma Gregg! We'll capture her! We'll take her, in + chains! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Excellent! <i>You</i> will have your chaperone, and I will be rid + of the most dangerous Anti-suffra-gette! Seek her and seize her! + </p> + <p> + All. We go! We go! (<i>exit all, left, except</i> PAULINE) (<i>enter</i> + GRANDMA GREGG, <i>right</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. I thought I heard a noise, Pauline. How are the dear girls + getting on with their lessons? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE, (<i>curtseys</i>) Fine, mam. They're learning new tricks every + day. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. (<i>picking up dummy and laying it over chair back</i>) Very + good. But I wouldn't wear a bandeau on my hair if I were you, Pauline. I + don't like these ribbons bound around the head of young girls. They make + them look like pirates. (PAULINE <i>starts uneasily</i>) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Pirates, mam? What a notion! + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Pirates, or Italian ditch diggers. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE, (<i>boldly</i>) Well, mam, let it be pirates, then. Pirate is + what I am. (<i>hesitates</i>) Grandma Gregg, you've always been good to + me, barring the scrubbing and mopping and blacking shoes and stoves. If I + was you, mam, I'd pack some clothes, so as to be ready for the sea voyage. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Me? A sea voyage? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes'm. (<i>curtseys</i>) This Susan Jane Jones is not what she + seems, mam. I let on, mam, I was of her way of thinking, mam, but I ain't. + A husband is good enough woman's rights for me, mam. A nice, quiet, + well-behaved husband like that one there is all I want. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. I don't understand you. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Susan Jane Jones is a Militant Suffragette, mam. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. A Militant Suffragette? In this academy? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes, mam. (<i>curtseys</i>) She's here like a snake in the grass, + mam, and her and the young ladies is goin' to extinguish all the men. + They're all goin' to be pirates, mam, and most bloody minded pirates they + be, too. And you, mam, that never did them any harm, they are going to + capture and take along with them in chains. For a chaperone, mam. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA, (<i>hanging her head</i>) And is this the reward for my efforts + to make good wives of them! + </p> + <p> + (<i>Enter</i> SUSAN <i>cautiously. She beckons to the girls</i>.) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. This way! She's here! + </p> + <p> + (<i>The girls creep in, knives in their teeth, swaggering like story-book + pirates.</i> SUSAN <i>folds her arms.</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Woman! Your hour has come! + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Well, I do declare! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. These poor maidens you thought to corrupt into housework ways, I + have won from you. Here, to-day, the revolution that will sweep the men + from the land and sea, begins! We are resolved! ALL. (<i>shouting</i>) We + are resolved! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. In these hearts burns nothing but hatred and detestation of man. + </p> + <p> + ALL. (<i>shouting</i>) Hatred and detestation. + </p> + <p> + KATE. We don't want to have anything more to do with men. + </p> + <p> + GRACE. We are absolutely through with them. And with boys, too. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Now, my dears— + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Enough! Pirates, do your duty! Seize that man! (<i>two girls seize + and bind the dummy</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Ha! Ha! Now seize and bind and gag that woman, (<i>points to</i> + GRANDMA. <i>The girls rush at</i> GRANDMA, <i>who skips backward</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN, (<i>front, rubbing her hands with joy</i>) pirates! My faithful + band of man-haters, (<i>to audience</i>) You men, your turn is next! + </p> + <p> + A BOY'S VOICE. (<i>off stage</i>) OO-oo! + </p> + <p> + (KATE, <i>who it about to bind</i> GRANDMA, <i>stops and listens</i>.) + </p> + <p> + KATE That's John! + </p> + <p> + SECOND BOY'S VOICE. (<i>off stage) Oo-oo! Oo-oo!</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRACE. (<i>listening</i>) That's—that's Arthur! + </p> + <p> + SEVERAL BOY'S VOICES. Oo-oo! Oo-Oo! Oo-oo! + </p> + <p> + EDITH, IDA and Mat. That's Sam! That's George! That's Henry! (<i>all crowd + to door and look out</i>) + </p> + <p> + KATE. (<i>eagerly</i>) Oh, girls! It's the boys, they want us to come out! + Where's my hat? + </p> + <p> + (<i>All rush in a crowd to sofa and begin digging wildly into wraps and + hats, putting them on as hastily as possible</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Girls! Pirates! Stop! The revolution! Remember your cause! + </p> + <p> + KATE. (<i>pinning on her hat</i>) Revolution! I haven't time for + revolutions, don't you hear the boys calling us? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Stop! Are you not women? + </p> + <p> + GRACE. (<i>as all come forward</i>) Women? Pirates? Why no, we are just + the I. I. Club. Just girls. Just sweet girls! + </p> + <p> + VOICES, (<i>off stage</i>) Oo-oo! + </p> + <p> + GIRLS. Oo-oo! Oo-oo! Oo-oo! (<i>they rush out</i>) + </p> + <p> + (SUSAN <i>slowly picks up umbrella and hand bag, and moves to door</i>. + GRANDMA <i>takes up her knitting.</i> PAULINE <i>picks up her mop, and + looks lovingly at dummy</i>.) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. I'm ashamed of you, sir. Why didn't you-oo at me when all them + boys was oo-ooing? you had oo-ooed at me I would have oo-ooed back. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. (<i>with interest</i>) Did he speak to you, Pauline? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. No, mam. He's an Ideal Husband, and Ideal Husbands don't talk + back, mam. + </p> + <p> + (CURTAIN) + </p> + <div style="height: 6em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + +<div>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44221 ***</div> + </body> +</html> diff --git a/44221-h/images/titlepage.jpg b/44221-h/images/titlepage.jpg Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..051a644 --- /dev/null +++ b/44221-h/images/titlepage.jpg diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Revolt + A Play In One Act + +Author: Ellis Parker Butler + +Release Date: November 18, 2013 [EBook #44221] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE REVOLT *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + + <div style="height: 8em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + THE REVOLT + </h1> + <h3> + A PLAY IN ONE ACT + </h3> + <h2> + BY ELLIS PARKER BUTLER + </h2> + <h4> + Author of "Pigs Is Pigs" etc. + </h4> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h5> + Copyright, 1912, by Samuel French + </h5> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + + + +<div class="fig" style="width:80%;"> +<img src="images/titlepage.jpg" alt="titlepage" width="100%" /><br /></div> + + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <p> + <b>CONTENTS</b> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> CHARACTERS </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> THE REVOLT </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHARACTERS + </h2> + <p> + GRANDMA GREGG—Founder of the Flushing Academy of Household Science + for Young Ladies. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE—Working out her tuition. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN JANE JONES—An Emissary of the American Ladies' Association for + the Promotion of Female Supremacy. + </p> + <p> + KATE—A student. + </p> + <p> + GRACE—A student. + </p> + <p> + EDITH—A student. + </p> + <p> + IDA—A student. + </p> + <p> + MAY—A student. + </p> + <p> + OTHER YOUNG LADY STUDENTS. + </p> + <p> + THE IDEAL HUSBAND—by himself. + </p> + <p> + SCENE.—The class room of Grandma Gregg's Academy of Household + Science for Young Ladies, at Flushing. + </p> + <p> + TIME.—Now or soon. + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + THE REVOLT + </h2> + <p> + SCENE.—<i>The Class-room. A table. Chairs arranged in semi-circle; + an easy chair for Grandma Gregg. Screen in one corner. Chairs or couch + upon which to lay wraps and hats. Otherwise an ordinary room. Tea things + on the table.</i> + </p> + <p> + (PAULINE, <i>center of stage, with pail, broom, dusting rag, scrubbing + brushes and mop, is discovered on hands and knees scrubbing. As curtain + rises she rises to her knees, throws scrubbing brush and soap into the + pail, gets up with difficulty and mops the floor. She is singing.</i>) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (singing) "All alone, all alone, nobody here but me. All alone, + all alone, nobody here but me, All alone, all—" (<i>she stops + mopping and leans on the mop handle</i>) Here it is now two weeks I've + been workin' out my tuition in this Academy of Household Science for Young + Ladies, and 'tis nothin' but scrub, scrub, mop, mop, sweep, sweep, from + mornin' 'til night! I see plenty of work, but none of that tuition has + come my way yet "Wanted," says the advertisement, "a young lady to work + out her tuition in an academy." It says that, "Grandma Gregg's Flushing + Academy of Household Science," it says, "fits the young ladies for to + occupy properly their positions at the heads of their homes," it says, "It + will be a fine thing for you, Pauline," I says, "to be tuitioned in an + Academy," so I come, (<i>mops</i>) "We'll begin your lessons right away," + says Grandma Gregg, "take th' scrub brush an' a pail of water an' some + soap an' scrub th' cellar." I've been scrubbin' ever since. I don't care + much for the higher education when there is so much scrub in it. (<i>mops</i>) + </p> + <p> + (GRANDMA GREGG <i>enters</i>. PAULINE, <i>not seeing her, goes to table + and examines tea things, books, etc.</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA GREGG. Pauline! + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>beginning to mop hastily</i>) Yes'm! + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Pauline. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>making a curtsey</i>) Good mornin', Grandma Gregg. I hope I + see you well to-day. (<i>changing her tone</i>) If it ain't askin' too + much, mam, when does my tuitioning begin? I've been scrubbin' for two + weeks now, from mornin' 'til night— + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Have you scrubbed the cellar, Pauline? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes'm. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Pauline. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>curtseying</i>) No'm. (<i>curtsey</i>) Yes'm. (<i>curtsey</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. You have scrubbed the cellar? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE (<i>curtseying</i>) Yes'm. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. And the garret? And the first floor? And the second floor? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE, (<i>curtseying</i>) Yes'm. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Very good, very good, Pauline. Then, when you have finished + scrubbing this class room, you may scrub the front porch and the stable. + Then it will be time to scrub the cellar again. You are doing very nicely. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes'm, thank you, mam. (<i>curtsey</i>) But I was thinkin', mam, + maybe I could have a little more tuition, and a little less work. "Work + and tuition" was what the advertisement said, mam, an' I've seen nothin' + but the work yet. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. My dear child! My dear, sweet child! I don't understand you. You + have done no work yet. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>looking at her dress and at pail and mop</i>) I've done no + work? I wonder, now, what I have been doin'! + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. (<i>placidly</i>) You have been receiving your tuition. In this + academy the study of Household Science begins with the rudiments. + Scrubbing is one of the rudiments. As a new scholar you begin with the + rudiments, of course. And I must say you are doing very well. You are + making excellent progress. Apply yourself earnestly to your lessons and in + a short time you will be promoted to another class. (PAULINE <i>stands + with her mouth open as</i> GRANDMA <i>talks. She seems to be stunned</i>) + Let me see you scrub, Pauline. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>dropping on her knees and taking brush from pail</i>) Yes'm. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Pauline. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>curtseying on her knees</i>) No'm (curtsey. She scrubs) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Very good indeed! Very good indeed! You are progressing, Pauline! + You are progressing. Apply yourself faithfully to your lessons. You may + study awhile on the front porch now. And don't be afraid to use your + muscle. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>gathers up her pail and mop, etc. At door she turns</i>) Good + morning, Grandma Gregg. (<i>curtseys</i>) (<i>aside</i>) Rudiment, is it? + If I haven't done any work yet, I wonder now what the work will be like. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. (<i>has dropped into her chair and taken up her knitting</i>) + Pauline. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes'm. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Did you curtsey, Pauline? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. No'm. (curtseys) But I will, (<i>curtseys</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Pauline, have the new Professors come yet? I have hired two new + Professors. A Professor of Husbandology, and a Professor of Rudiments. + They are very highly recommended. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Beg pardon mam, but what's Husbandology? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Husbandology is the Science of the Proper Treatment of Husbands. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. And I know what Rudiments is. It's scrubbin'. No, mam, nothin' + like them has come yet. "All alone. All alone—" (<i>sings</i>) (<i>exit</i> + PAULINE) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA, (knits) Dear me! Dear me! I thought when I started this Academy + the girls would flock to it most eagerly. When I was a young girl my + mother would have been glad to have an academy like this for me to attend. + I don't know what the world is coming to. Suffragists and Suffragettes, + and Suffrage—this and Suffrage—that! If this academy wasn't + sustained by the Anti-suffrage League it would have to close its doors. (<i>sees + a book on table, takes it in hand</i>) "Woman and Her Rights." (<i>with + disgust</i>) Augh! Who brought that here? (<i>throws it on floor</i>) I + declare, I believe this is the last stronghold of the old-fashioned + home-loving woman. I teach the girls to be good wives, (<i>door bell rings</i>) + (<i>enter</i> PAULINE) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE, (<i>curtseys</i>) If you please, mam, there's a female at the + door says she is the new Professor of Husbandology. It's Susan Jane Jones, + mam. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Show her in, Pauline. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes'm. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Pauline. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. No'm. (<i>curtseys</i>) (<i>exit</i> PAULINE) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. I hope Susan Jane Jones will be a real nice lady. There's nothing + in the world more necessary than lessons on the Proper Treatment of + Husbands. Women don't seem to know how to treat husbands now-a-days. They + neglect 'em, the poor things. When I was a girl—(<i>enter</i> Susan + Jane Jones.) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. (<i>strides into room with umbrella held by middle and hand bag + under one atm. Slaps them on table, and begins pulling off her gloves</i>) + Well, here I am— + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. (<i>mildly</i>) Don't forget your curtsey, Miss Jones. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. (surprised) Hey? What's that? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. (<i>gently</i>) All the faculty and students curtsey when they + come into my presence, Miss Jones. It is a sweet old-fashioned custom— + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. (<i>briskly</i>) Well, I'll soon change that—I mean, Howdy! + Howdy! (<i>bobs several times</i>) (<i>aside</i>) I must not forget I am + here as a spy in the enemy's country. If you are going to do the Romans + you must do as the Romans do. (to GRANDMA) Swell joint you've got here, + old lady. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA, (<i>rubbing knees</i>) Swell joints? Yes, my dear, a little + rheumatiz makes the joints swell. But I don't complain. I'm an old lady. I + have to expect some aches and pains at my time of life. I'm thankful I can + do a little good work in the world. Do you understand What your duties + will be? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Sure Mike! I'm the Husbandology lady. I teach the girls how to + treat their husbands when they get 'em. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Just so. You will lecture on How to Coddle and Pet a Husband. + Five lectures. Then you will give five lectures on Smoothing the Lines of + </p> + <p> + Care from Hubby's Brow. Then—of course you show by example how all + this is done. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. By example? You don't have a man here, do you? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. We use the practical method in our classes. "Practice makes + perfect," you know, (<i>calls</i>) Pauline! + </p> + <p> + PAULINE, (<i>off stage</i>) Yes'm, I'm comin'. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA, (<i>calling</i>) Bring me the Ideal Husband, Pauline. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes'm. In a minute, mam. + </p> + <p> + (<i>Enter</i> PAULINE <i>with the Dummy Husband under her arm. She throws + it into a chair. Exit.</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. There! That is our Ideal Husband. He is all a husband should be. + He does not drink nor smoke. He does not go to the club at night. He never + says an unkind word. And he is happy. Do you know why? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Go ahead. I'll be the goat. What's the answer? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. He is happy because we are kind to him. Because we coddle and pet + him. I think, before I finally engage you, Miss Jones, I would like to see + an example of your method of coddling and petting. + </p> + <p> + (SUSAN <i>looks at the dummy thoughtfully, takes a step toward it and + pauses, another step, and so on. Finally she jerks the dummy from the + chair by the head and lays the head on her shoulder.</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Poor hubby, does his poor head ache? (<i>pats dummy</i>) Was he out + so late last night? (<i>puts dummy gently in chair</i>) Let little wifey + rub his poor head, (<i>does so</i>) What did hubby say? All right, little + wifey will tie a nice cold cloth around poor hubby's head. (does this) + Now, kiss little wifey. (<i>kisses dummy</i>) What did hubby say? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. What did he say? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. He said "For goodness sake get away from here and leave me alone. + Can't you see I'm a sick man? Get out of here and stop bothering me." + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA, (<i>admiringly</i>) How like a real man! And what do you do next? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. (<i>looking around</i>) I get a pillow. (<i>gets one from couch and + puts it lade of dummy</i>) And I wrap up his feet (<i>does it</i>) There, + poor dear. He's sleeping now. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Very good. You will do very well. Remember to teach that wives + should obey their husbands and be kind to them. Husbands are such tender + creatures. We should love them and obey them. I will see that your room is + in order. No doubt you will wish to practise coddling the Ideal Husband a + little longer before your classes begin. (<i>exit</i> GRANDMA) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN, (<i>alone</i>) Get off that chair, you big brute! (<i>jerks dummy + of chair</i>) Come home intoxicated, will you? (<i>throws dummy back on + chair</i>) Don't talk back to me! (<i>takes up dummy again</i>) You are + going out, are you? Well, go out! (<i>walks toward screen with dummy</i>) + Out you go! I'll stand no nonsense, I tell you! (<i>throws dummy behind + screen</i>) Go, if you want to! There! Coddle and pet them! That's how I + coddle and pet them! (<i>looks around</i>) This is a nice situation for + Susan Jane Jones, Captain of Company A, First Regiment, Militant + Suffragettes! But all is fair in Love and Votes for Women! This academy is + the last stronghold of the old-fashioned woman, and from in it the tender + young girls learn the vicious habits of keeping house, being good + housewives and attending to their own affairs as their grandmothers did. + From this root anti-suffragism might spread over the whole world, and I + have crept in, like a spy, to corrupt and destroy it. Woman must and will + rule! (<i>enter</i> KATE <i>pouting</i>) + </p> + <p> + KATE. (<i>not seeing</i> SUSAN) I don't care! I don't care one bit! I'm + never, never going to speak to John Mason again as long as I live. I think + he is just too horrid for anything, (<i>takes off coat and hat and throws + them on sofa</i>) I just hate him. I hate every boy that ever lived, I do! + I think they are mean, overbearing, egotistical things. (<i>wipes her eyes</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. (<i>clapping her hands once</i>) My sentiments exactly! I so + consider all men. + </p> + <p> + KATE. (<i>startled</i>) Oh! I did not know anyone was here. Good morning! + (<i>curtseys</i>) Please, you won't tell Grandma Gregg what I said, will + you? (<i>with head on one side</i>) She wouldn't like it. (<i>picking at + her fingers</i>) She says females should admire and worship all males. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Humph! Fiddlesticks! Absolutely exploded theory. Latest theory is, + females should abhor and despise all males. What's a man? He's a worm. A + poor silly worm. Now, here! (<i>takes</i> KATE <i>by arm and leads her + across stage</i>) We understand each other. You have felt the cruel + oppression of a man! + </p> + <p> + KATE. I—I—I just think John Mason treated me real mean, + anyway. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Woman, how else do men ever treat us? We are slaves. But we must be + free. You think I am the new Professor of Husbandology, don't you? You + think I am here to teach you how to treat husbands, don't you? + </p> + <p> + KATE. I did think so. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN, (<i>threateningly</i>) Oh, I'll teach you how to treat husbands! + (PAULINE <i>enters and overhears, unseen. She gradually comes closer to + them</i>) I'll teach you how to treat all men. For ages man has crushed us + under his cruel heel. + </p> + <p> + KATE. Has he? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. But we will trample him under foot. + </p> + <p> + KATE. Will we? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. We must throttle him. We must crush him. + </p> + <p> + KATE. Must we? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Pooh! He's a worm. We will do without him. We will drive him from + the land. Absolutely. Man is a by-gone institution. I class him with the + stage coach and the dodo bird. Woman can do his work better than he can. + He must be driven from the land. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. But, now, mam, if he's driven from the land, he'll be taking a + death of cold in the water. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. So much the better. The object that should burn in every true + woman's heart is the utter extermination of man. (<i>to</i> KATE) You have + felt a man's cruelty. (KATE <i>wipes her eyes</i>) + </p> + <p> + KATE. I don't see why boys have to be so mean. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. And you, too, you poor creature. Have you not felt the heel of the + oppressor? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Heel of the oppressor? Mercy sakes! That reminds me. Grandma + Gregg sent me for to get the Ideal Husband and take him down cellar and + black his shoes for him. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN, (<i>triumphantly</i>) You see! Man makes slaves of us all! + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Has any of you seen the Ideal Husband? Grandma Gregg said he was + in the Classroom conversin' with the new Professor. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. (<i>carelessly</i>) Oh, he's gone to his club. I mean, look behind + the screen. + </p> + <p> + (PAULINE <i>gets the dummy, and carries it out, its feet dragging behind + her on the floor. Exit</i> PAULINE.) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. My child, the time for the great revolution is at hand. Woman is + about to take her rightfully supreme place in the world. In me you see one + of the leaders of the Militant Suffragettes. Can I count on you? + </p> + <p> + KATE. I don't know. I think John Mason treated me just too mean—Oh! + here Comes Grandma Gregg. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Hush. Not a word of this! (<i>in a changed tone</i>). Yes, my dear, + when his head aches take a handful of chopped ice, and fold it in a + bandage— + </p> + <p> + (<i>Enter</i> GRANDMA GREGG.) + </p> + <p> + KATE, (<i>curtseys</i>) Good morning, Grandma Gregg. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Good morning, my dear. (GRANDMA <i>seats herself and begins + knitting</i>. KATE <i>takes sewing from bag and sews</i>. SUSAN <i>picks + up book from floor and begins to read</i>.) + </p> + <p> + (<i>Enter</i> GRACE.) + </p> + <p> + GRACE. (<i>curtseys</i>) Good morning, GRANDMA GREGG. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Good morning, my dear. + </p> + <p> + (GRACE <i>seats herself and sews. Enter</i> EDITH <i>and</i> IDA.) + </p> + <p> + EDITH and IDA. (<i>curtsey</i>) Good morning, Grandma Gregg. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Good morning, my dears. + </p> + <p> + (<i>Enter</i> MAY <i>and other girls.</i>) + </p> + <p> + MAY and Other Girls, (<i>curtsey</i>) Good morning, Grandma Gregg. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Good morning, my dears. And now we are all here, have you all + done your home work? Let me see it. (<i>the girls advance, by ones or twos + and show their sewing</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Very good—The stitches are a little too large, sweetheart— + This buttonhole might be a little neater, precious, etc. (<i>girls take + seats again, and sew</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Grace, will you act as monitor of the teapot? + </p> + <p> + GRACE. Yes, Grandma Gregg. (<i>curtseys, and makes tea</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Now, young ladies, will you repeat the Golden Text for the day? + </p> + <p> + ALL. "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. (<i>scornfully and aside</i>) Yes, feed the beast and he'll grin. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Kate, do you know your precept? + </p> + <p> + KATE. (<i>curtseys</i>) + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + A husband is a precious thing, + He is the woman's lord and king. +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN. (<i>aside</i>) He was, but now he's no such thing. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. GRACE? + </p> + <p> + GRACE. (<i>with a curtsey</i>) + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + A wife should never hem and haw, + Her husband's word should be her law. +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN. (aside) Does any woman think that? Pshaw! + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Next. + </p> + <p> + EDITH. (<i>curtseys</i>) + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Woman within her home should stay + Her duties there should be her play. +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN, (<i>aside</i>) That sentiment don't go to-day. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Next. + </p> + <p> + IDA. (<i>curtseys</i>) + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + The man is noble, strong and brave; + Woman should be his loving slave. +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN. <i>That</i> notion's in its little grave! + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Very good, my darlings, (<i>she rises</i>) Edith, yesterday you + could not tell me all the ingredients of bread. Do you know now what you + omitted? + </p> + <p> + EDITH. Yes, Grandma Gregg. Add a cup of butter. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Correct. IDA, if you had a husband and he came home very late, + what would you do? + </p> + <p> + IDA. (<i>curtseys</i>) I would pretend to be fast, fast asleep. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Yes. And what would you say the next morning? + </p> + <p> + IDA. "Good morning, dear. I was asleep when you came in. I hope you had a + pleasant evening." + </p> + <p> + (GRACE <i>passes tea. Door bell rings.</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Now, Miss— + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Susan Jane Jones. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Miss Jones. (SUSAN <i>curtseys</i>) + You may take the class now, Miss Jones, and give it instruction in the + proper treatment of husbands. Inculcate ideas of meekness and gentleness. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Oh, I'll inculcate. Have no fear of that. (<i>Enter</i> PAULINE. <i>She + has a telegram which she hands to</i> GRANDMA. <i>Also has the dummy, + which she throws on the floor carelessly</i>.) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Here's your husband. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. My dear child, you should not handle a husband in that manner. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. I'll not be handling that husband in any manner very long, mam. + I'm going to quit my job. Nothing but scrub, scrub, mop, mop, from morning + to night. Look at them young ladies, a drinkin' tea and me doin' the scrub + work. I'm tired of being scholar, I am. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. (<i>after reading telegram</i>) You are tired of being a scholar, + are you, PAULINE? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes'm. I'm sick of it. I've learned this scrubbin' lesson from + the cellar up. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. So you have, dear, so you have! You do it very well. And I am + going to reward you. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>happily</i>) Reward me, mam? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Yes. I have just received word my newly engaged Professor of + Rudimentary Household Science cannot come. How would you like to be a + professor, Pauline? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Oh, me a professor, mam! Me, who has nothing but rags to my name, + a professor? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Yes, Pauline. I have made up my mind. I am going to make you my + Professor of Rudiments. Young ladies, this is our new Professor of + Rudiments, (<i>all curtsey</i>) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE, (<i>wiping her eyes</i>) I feel like I ought to make a speech, + mam, but I can't, I'm that overcome. I don't feel like I could do justice + to the job, mam. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Oh, yes you can, my dear. Now, your duties as Professor of + Rudiments will consist in teaching the young ladies scrubbing— + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Scrubbin'? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Yes, scrubbing, and mopping, and blacking stoves. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Scrubbin' an' moppin' an' blackin' stoves? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Just so. And you will teach by example. The young ladies will + study your methods. You will scrub and mop and black stoves, and they will + watch you. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. I'll scrub and mop and—It's mighty like the job of bein' + scholar, ain't it, mam? What pay do I get, mam, for all this scrub and + mop? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Pay? I am surprised you should ask for pay when I have given you + such a position of trust and honor. But there. If you must have pay, you + shall have it. I will give you the work you owe me for the tuition you + have received. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE, (puzzled) Yes'm. Thank you, mam. Now, now, do you do that work I + owe you, or do I do it? + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. What a question! You do it, of course. You owe it to me, child, + don't you? (PAULINE <i>stands puzzled</i>) Now, young ladies, I will leave + you to your two new Professors, (<i>exit</i> GRANDMA) + </p> + <p> + (PAULINE, <i>when she is gone, stands puzzled. Turning her head she sees + dummy. She grasps it, raises it above her head, ana throws it down angrily</i>) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Get to work, you husband, get to work! (<i> goes to tea table and + eats and drinks during the following scene</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Fellow females! (<i>the girls ignore her. They chatter loudly with + one another. Finally</i> KATE's <i>voice is heard</i>) + </p> + <p> + KATE. Well, I'll never speak to John again as long as I live. + </p> + <p> + GRACE. Well, he can't be a bit worse than Arthur. Oh, I'm so mad at + Arthur. I was so mad I could have slapped him. + </p> + <p> + EDITH. What did he do, Grace? + </p> + <p> + GRACE. I met him on Main Street, quite by chance, you know, and he said, + "Hello, GRACE, you don't want an ice cream soda, do you?" And I said, "Oh, + I don't care." And he said, "Oh, well, if you don't care!" + </p> + <p> + IDA. The <i>horrid</i> thing. I think boys are just too horrid for + anything. I oo-ooed at George to-day, and he didn't OO-OO back at me at + all. I'm through with George! + </p> + <p> + EDITH. Imagine! When I Oo-oo at a boy and he doesn't OO-OO back I consider + it a deadly insult. I suppose he was talking to some other girl. + </p> + <p> + IDA. No, he wasn't! He was riding his motor cycle, and he was only two + blocks away— + </p> + <p> + EDITH. Perhaps he didn't hear you. + </p> + <p> + IDA. That's no excuse at all. When a girl oo-oos it is a boy's duty to + hear. I always hear when George oo-oos. + </p> + <p> + MAY. Certainly! Any gentleman would OO-OO back at a girl if she oo-ooed at + him. + </p> + <p> + KATE. I suppose you mean Henry would OO-OO back at you. You and Henry! + </p> + <p> + MAY. Thank you, but I don't speak to Henry any more. I've sent <i>him</i> + about his business! I was going over to the tennis court yesterday, and I + oo-ooed at him, and he said, "Where are you going, MAY?" and I said, "I'm + going to play tennis, if I can find a partner." And what do you think <i>he</i> + said? + </p> + <p> + GRACE. What did he say? + </p> + <p> + MAY. He said, "Well, I'm sorry I can't go with, you!" + </p> + <p> + All. Oh, how horrid! + </p> + <p> + EDITH. Well, I've had all of <i>Sam</i> I want! When I got home from + school yesterday I sat on the front porch <i>all</i> afternoon. Of course + I expected Sam would happen to pass by. + </p> + <p> + KATE. Of course. Any gentleman <i>would</i> happen, to pass by. + </p> + <p> + EDITH. Certainly. And there I sat. And sat. And sat. And no Sam came by. + Oh, I was mad. And what do you think his excuse was? His mother had fallen + down the cellar stairs and broken her arm. + </p> + <p> + KATE. And he let that keep him home! Girls, I think the way the boys treat + us is perfectly outrageous! There are whole minutes in every day when they + don't think of us at all. + </p> + <p> + GRACE. Oh, not <i>whole</i> minutes. + </p> + <p> + KATE. Well, parts of minutes, anyway. I understand that several times this + term several of the boys almost knew their lessons. That couldn't happen + if they thought of us <i>all</i> the time. + </p> + <p> + All. The horrid things! + </p> + <p> + KATE. Well, for my part, I'm through with boys! I wish they were all—all + extinct. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN, (<i>rapping on table with her umbrella</i>) Ladies! Fellow females! + I have heard what you said. Your wrongs are enormous, but what does man + live for but to oppress us? We are down-trod, down-trod by man, that worm + that like a roaring lion seeks to cast dust in our eyes with his soaring + wings while he rends our heart with his cruel beak! Shall we, ladies, be + slaves to a worm? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. No, mam. (<i>curtseys</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. No! You wish the men were extinct. We will extinguish them. Why + waste your lives here doing plain and fancy sewing— + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. And scrubbin'— + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. When woman was meant to occupy the noblest spheres? Wives? Faugh! + Housewives? Faugh! Let us take the work of the men, and do it! Follow the + bright banner of Susan Jane Jones, the Militant Suffragette, and drive the + men into the sea! I have heard the story of your wrongs— + </p> + <p> + KATE. Well, I do think Henry was just too mean for anything. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Sewing! Scrubbing! Have you women never wished to do the work of + men? + </p> + <p> + KATE. Yes, I have. I always wanted to be a doctor, but my father wouldn't + hear of it. + </p> + <p> + GRACE. What kind of a doctor, Kate? + </p> + <p> + KATE. Oh, a handsome doctor with curly gray hair. And you, Grace? + </p> + <p> + GRACE. Oh, I want to be a lawyer, a plump, jolly lawyer. And you, Edith? + </p> + <p> + EDITH. I want to be an editor. + </p> + <p> + GRACE. Republican or Democrat? + </p> + <p> + EDITH. I don't know. The kind with a big automobile. And you, Ida? + </p> + <p> + IDA. I want to be a politician. + </p> + <p> + Mat. An honest one, of course. + </p> + <p> + IDA. Well, no. A successful politician. And you, May? + </p> + <p> + Mat. I want to run a vegetable market, where the women can come with their + market baskets. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Where the <i>men</i> can come with their market baskets, (<i>to</i> + PAULINE) And you, you poor creature, have you never felt the longing to + usurp man's sphere? Have you never longed to do a man's work? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Oh, yes, mam. This humble heart (<i>tapping her waist</i>) has + felt the what-you-call it many a time. I have always wished, mam, to be a + pirate. + </p> + <p> + All. A pirate! + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. A pirate. And why not? That's men's work. Listen:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Since my mother's lap I played in + When I was a wee small maiden— +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN. Just so high! + </p> + <p> + All. Just so high! + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I have had a great ambition + For to better my condition— +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN. So have I. + </p> + <p> + All. So have I. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Dolls was things I much detested + Toys left me uninterested. + Even as a little baby + I had hopes that sometime, maybe + I could be a roaring pirate, + Be a swearing, tearing pirate, + Be a shocking, wicked pirate, + With a cruel, cruel eye, +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN. I call that a very noble and uplifting ambition for a modern young + lady. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. + </p> + <p> + Listen:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I have dreamed of death and slaughter + On the wild tumultuous water +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN. Oh, how dear! + </p> + <p> + ALL. Oh, how dear! + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + I have longed to wear a dagger + And cut throats, and swear, and swagger. +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN, Hear! Hear! + </p> + <p> + All. Hear! Hear! + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + All around me, dead and dying, + I would see my victims lying; + And I'd laugh out loud and louder + As I smelled the blood and powder, + For I'd be a roaring pirate, + Be a swearing, tearing pirate, + Bloody-bones, the heartless pirate, + With a cruel, cruel eye. +</pre> + <p> + SUSAN. I consider Bloody-bones a very sweet name for a young lady pirate. + Very! + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes, mam. (<i>curtseys</i>) So, if it's all the same to you, I'd + like to be a pirate, mam, SUSAN. Certainly. A pirate's life is a very + mannish occupation. + </p> + <p> + KATE. Wouldn't it be lovely to be a pirate! It is much more interesting + than being a doctor. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes, Miss Kate. And there's no scrubbin' on a pirate craft. The + wash of the sea is merely a poetical term. And if the men is drove off the + land, they'll take to ships, do you see, and there'll be plenty of work + for a respectable, blood-thirsty lady pirate to do, catchin' 'em and + extinguishing 'em. + </p> + <p> + GRACE. Oh, girls, wouldn't it be lovely to be pirates? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Then be pirates! The Militant Suffragettes need a navy as well as + an army. Every revolution needs its privateers. + </p> + <p> + KATE. No more sewing! (<i>gathers up sewing and throws it down</i>) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. No more scrubbin'. (<i>throws away mop and brush</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRACE. No more rag bags! (<i>takes rag bag from chair, and is about to + throw it, when red rags fall out</i>) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Hold on, Miss GRACE! Pirates is mostly dressed out of rag bags, (<i>winds + red rag around</i> GRACE's <i>head, and a red rag as sash. All do likewise</i>) + Wait till I get the swords, (<i>exit</i> PAULINE) + </p> + <p> + KATE, (<i>front, with clenched fists</i>) OO—I feel blood-thirsty! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. And you look extremely blood-thirsty. + </p> + <p> + GRACE, OO—I feel ferocious! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. And you look too ferocious for anything. + </p> + <p> + EDITH. OO—I feel wicked! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. You are certainly a fear-compelling sight. + </p> + <p> + IDA. OO—I feel murderous! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. You look like a most criminal character. + </p> + <p> + Mat. OO—I feel dangerous! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. You look extremely dangerous. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. (<i>entering with table knives, etc</i>.) OO—I feel like if + I seen a cake of soap I could kick it! (<i>she distributes knives</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Reserve your wrath for the men. (<i>drawing them all to her</i>) + Hist! To-night—at dead of night—we will capture—a lumber + schooner—at Copp's lumber yard— + </p> + <p> + All. Aye! Aye! Mam! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. To-night—at dead of night—meet me—at the corner + of—Main and Broadway! + </p> + <p> + All. Aye! Aye! Mam! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. To-night—at dead of night—we will strangle the watchmen— + </p> + <p> + KATE. At dead of night? I don't think we ought to strangle watchmen at + dead of night unless we have a chaperone, do you girls? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Nonsense! What kind of Suffragettes are you to need a chaperone? I + don't have a chaperone. + </p> + <p> + GRACE. Well, I don't care! I'm not going out strangling at night without a + chaperone! It isn't proper. + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. But you are a pirate. + </p> + <p> + EDITH. I don't care if we are pirates. We don't have to be improper + pirates. I want to strangle and murder in a perfectly proper manner. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. How about takin' the old lady with you? + </p> + <p> + KATE. Grandma Gregg? Why, she's no Suffragette. Oh, girls! The very thing! + We <i>will</i> take Grandma Gregg! We'll capture her! We'll take her, in + chains! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Excellent! <i>You</i> will have your chaperone, and I will be rid + of the most dangerous Anti-suffra-gette! Seek her and seize her! + </p> + <p> + All. We go! We go! (<i>exit all, left, except</i> PAULINE) (<i>enter</i> + GRANDMA GREGG, <i>right</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. I thought I heard a noise, Pauline. How are the dear girls + getting on with their lessons? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE, (<i>curtseys</i>) Fine, mam. They're learning new tricks every + day. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. (<i>picking up dummy and laying it over chair back</i>) Very + good. But I wouldn't wear a bandeau on my hair if I were you, Pauline. I + don't like these ribbons bound around the head of young girls. They make + them look like pirates. (PAULINE <i>starts uneasily</i>) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Pirates, mam? What a notion! + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Pirates, or Italian ditch diggers. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE, (<i>boldly</i>) Well, mam, let it be pirates, then. Pirate is + what I am. (<i>hesitates</i>) Grandma Gregg, you've always been good to + me, barring the scrubbing and mopping and blacking shoes and stoves. If I + was you, mam, I'd pack some clothes, so as to be ready for the sea voyage. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Me? A sea voyage? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes'm. (<i>curtseys</i>) This Susan Jane Jones is not what she + seems, mam. I let on, mam, I was of her way of thinking, mam, but I ain't. + A husband is good enough woman's rights for me, mam. A nice, quiet, + well-behaved husband like that one there is all I want. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. I don't understand you. + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Susan Jane Jones is a Militant Suffragette, mam. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. A Militant Suffragette? In this academy? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. Yes, mam. (<i>curtseys</i>) She's here like a snake in the grass, + mam, and her and the young ladies is goin' to extinguish all the men. + They're all goin' to be pirates, mam, and most bloody minded pirates they + be, too. And you, mam, that never did them any harm, they are going to + capture and take along with them in chains. For a chaperone, mam. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA, (<i>hanging her head</i>) And is this the reward for my efforts + to make good wives of them! + </p> + <p> + (<i>Enter</i> SUSAN <i>cautiously. She beckons to the girls</i>.) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. This way! She's here! + </p> + <p> + (<i>The girls creep in, knives in their teeth, swaggering like story-book + pirates.</i> SUSAN <i>folds her arms.</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Woman! Your hour has come! + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Well, I do declare! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. These poor maidens you thought to corrupt into housework ways, I + have won from you. Here, to-day, the revolution that will sweep the men + from the land and sea, begins! We are resolved! ALL. (<i>shouting</i>) We + are resolved! + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. In these hearts burns nothing but hatred and detestation of man. + </p> + <p> + ALL. (<i>shouting</i>) Hatred and detestation. + </p> + <p> + KATE. We don't want to have anything more to do with men. + </p> + <p> + GRACE. We are absolutely through with them. And with boys, too. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. Now, my dears— + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Enough! Pirates, do your duty! Seize that man! (<i>two girls seize + and bind the dummy</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Ha! Ha! Now seize and bind and gag that woman, (<i>points to</i> + GRANDMA. <i>The girls rush at</i> GRANDMA, <i>who skips backward</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN, (<i>front, rubbing her hands with joy</i>) pirates! My faithful + band of man-haters, (<i>to audience</i>) You men, your turn is next! + </p> + <p> + A BOY'S VOICE. (<i>off stage</i>) OO-oo! + </p> + <p> + (KATE, <i>who it about to bind</i> GRANDMA, <i>stops and listens</i>.) + </p> + <p> + KATE That's John! + </p> + <p> + SECOND BOY'S VOICE. (<i>off stage) Oo-oo! Oo-oo!</i>) + </p> + <p> + GRACE. (<i>listening</i>) That's—that's Arthur! + </p> + <p> + SEVERAL BOY'S VOICES. Oo-oo! Oo-Oo! Oo-oo! + </p> + <p> + EDITH, IDA and Mat. That's Sam! That's George! That's Henry! (<i>all crowd + to door and look out</i>) + </p> + <p> + KATE. (<i>eagerly</i>) Oh, girls! It's the boys, they want us to come out! + Where's my hat? + </p> + <p> + (<i>All rush in a crowd to sofa and begin digging wildly into wraps and + hats, putting them on as hastily as possible</i>) + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Girls! Pirates! Stop! The revolution! Remember your cause! + </p> + <p> + KATE. (<i>pinning on her hat</i>) Revolution! I haven't time for + revolutions, don't you hear the boys calling us? + </p> + <p> + SUSAN. Stop! Are you not women? + </p> + <p> + GRACE. (<i>as all come forward</i>) Women? Pirates? Why no, we are just + the I. I. Club. Just girls. Just sweet girls! + </p> + <p> + VOICES, (<i>off stage</i>) Oo-oo! + </p> + <p> + GIRLS. Oo-oo! Oo-oo! Oo-oo! (<i>they rush out</i>) + </p> + <p> + (SUSAN <i>slowly picks up umbrella and hand bag, and moves to door</i>. + GRANDMA <i>takes up her knitting.</i> PAULINE <i>picks up her mop, and + looks lovingly at dummy</i>.) + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. I'm ashamed of you, sir. Why didn't you-oo at me when all them + boys was oo-ooing? you had oo-ooed at me I would have oo-ooed back. + </p> + <p> + GRANDMA. (<i>with interest</i>) Did he speak to you, Pauline? + </p> + <p> + PAULINE. No, mam. He's an Ideal Husband, and Ideal Husbands don't talk + back, mam. + </p> + <p> + (CURTAIN) + </p> + <div style="height: 6em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Revolt, by Ellis Parker Butler + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE REVOLT *** + +***** This file should be named 44221-h.htm or 44221-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/2/2/44221/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Revolt + A Play In One Act + +Author: Ellis Parker Butler + +Release Date: November 18, 2013 [EBook #44221] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE REVOLT *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + + +THE REVOLT + +A PLAY IN ONE ACT + +BY ELLIS PARKER BUTLER + +Author of "Pigs Is Pigs" etc. + +Copyright, 1912, by Samuel French + + + + +CHARACTERS + +GRANDMA GREGG--Founder of the Flushing Academy of Household Science for +Young Ladies. + +PAULINE--Working out her tuition. + +SUSAN JANE JONES--An Emissary of the American Ladies' Association for +the Promotion of Female Supremacy. + +KATE--A student. + +GRACE--A student. + +EDITH--A student. + +IDA--A student. + +MAY--A student. + +OTHER YOUNG LADY STUDENTS. + +THE IDEAL HUSBAND--by himself. + + + +SCENE.--The class room of Grandma Gregg's Academy of Household Science +for Young Ladies, at Flushing. + + +TIME.--Now or soon. + + + + +THE REVOLT + +SCENE.--_The Class-room. A table. Chairs arranged in semi-circle; an +easy chair for Grandma Gregg. Screen in one corner. Chairs or couch upon +which to lay wraps and hats. Otherwise an ordinary room. Tea things on +the table._ + +(PAULINE, _center of stage, with pail, broom, dusting rag, scrubbing +brushes and mop, is discovered on hands and knees scrubbing. As curtain +rises she rises to her knees, throws scrubbing brush and soap into the +pail, gets up with difficulty and mops the floor. She is singing._) + +PAULINE. (singing) "All alone, all alone, nobody here but me. All alone, +all alone, nobody here but me, All alone, all--" (_she stops mopping and +leans on the mop handle_) Here it is now two weeks I've been workin' out +my tuition in this Academy of Household Science for Young Ladies, and +'tis nothin' but scrub, scrub, mop, mop, sweep, sweep, from mornin' 'til +night! I see plenty of work, but none of that tuition has come my way +yet "Wanted," says the advertisement, "a young lady to work out her +tuition in an academy." It says that, "Grandma Gregg's Flushing Academy +of Household Science," it says, "fits the young ladies for to occupy +properly their positions at the heads of their homes," it says, "It +will be a fine thing for you, PAULINE," I says, "to be tuitioned in an +Academy," so I come, (_mops_) "We'll begin your lessons right away," +says Grandma Gregg, "take th' scrub brush an' a pail of water an' some +soap an' scrub th' cellar." I've been scrubbin' ever since. I don't care +much for the higher education when there is so much scrub in it. +(_mops_) + +(GRANDMA GREGG _enters_. PAULINE, _not seeing her, goes to table and +examines tea things, books, etc._) + +GRANDMA GREGG. PAULINE! + +PAULINE. (_beginning to mop hastily_) Yes'm! + +GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, PAULINE. + +PAULINE. (_making a curtsey_) Good mornin', Grandma Gregg. I hope I see +you well to-day. (_changing her tone_) If it ain't askin' too much, mam, +when does my tuitioning begin? I've been scrubbin' for two weeks now, +from mornin' 'til night-- + +GRANDMA. Have you scrubbed the cellar, Pauline? + +PAULINE. Yes'm. + +GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, PAULINE. + +PAULINE. (_curtseying_) No'm. (_curtsey_) Yes'm. (_curtsey_) + +GRANDMA. You have scrubbed the cellar? + +PAULINE (_curtseying_) Yes'm. + +GRANDMA. And the garret? And the first floor? And the second floor? + +PAULINE, (_curtseying_) Yes'm. + +GRANDMA. Very good, very good, Pauline. Then, when you have finished +scrubbing this class room, you may scrub the front porch and the stable. +Then it will be time to scrub the cellar again. You are doing very +nicely. + +PAULINE. Yes'm, thank you, mam. (_curtsey_) But I was thinkin', mam, +maybe I could have a little more tuition, and a little less work. "Work +and tuition" was what the advertisement said, mam, an' I've seen nothin' +but the work yet. + +GRANDMA. My dear child! My dear, sweet child! I don't understand you. +You have done no work yet. + +PAULINE. (_looking at her dress and at pail and mop_) I've done no work? +I wonder, now, what I have been doin'! + +GRANDMA. (_placidly_) You have been receiving your tuition. In this +academy the study of Household Science begins with the rudiments. +Scrubbing is one of the rudiments. As a new scholar you begin with the +rudiments, of course. And I must say you are doing very well. You are +making excellent progress. Apply yourself earnestly to your lessons and +in a short time you will be promoted to another class. (PAULINE _stands +with her mouth open as_ GRANDMA _talks. She seems to be stunned_) Let me +see you scrub, Pauline. + +PAULINE. (_dropping on her knees and taking brush from pail_) Yes'm. + +GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Pauline. + +PAULINE. (_curtseying on her knees_) No'm (curtsey. She scrubs) + +GRANDMA. Very good indeed! Very good indeed! You are progressing, +Pauline! You are progressing. Apply yourself faithfully to your lessons. +You may study awhile on the front porch now. And don't be afraid to use +your muscle. + +PAULINE. (_gathers up her pail and mop, etc. At door she turns_) Good +morning, Grandma Gregg. (_curtseys_) (_aside_) Rudiment, is it? If I +haven't done any work yet, I wonder now what the work will be like. + +GRANDMA. (_has dropped into her chair and taken up her knitting_) +Pauline. + +PAULINE. Yes'm. + +GRANDMA. Did you curtsey, Pauline? + +PAULINE. No'm. (curtseys) But I will, (_curtseys_) + +GRANDMA. Pauline, have the new Professors come yet? I have hired two new +Professors. A Professor of Husbandology, and a Professor of Rudiments. +They are very highly recommended. + +PAULINE. Beg pardon mam, but what's Husbandology? + +GRANDMA. Husbandology is the Science of the Proper Treatment of +Husbands. + +PAULINE. And I know what Rudiments is. It's scrubbin'. No, mam, nothin' +like them has come yet. "All alone. All alone--" (_sings_) (_exit_ +PAULINE) + +GRANDMA, (knits) Dear me! Dear me! I thought when I started this Academy +the girls would flock to it most eagerly. When I was a young girl my +mother would have been glad to have an academy like this for me to +attend. I don't know what the world is coming to. Suffragists and +Suffragettes, and Suffrage--this and Suffrage--that! If this academy +wasn't sustained by the Anti-suffrage League it would have to close +its doors. (_sees a book on table, takes it in hand_) "Woman and Her +Rights." (_with disgust_) Augh! Who brought that here? (_throws it +on floor_) I declare, I believe this is the last stronghold of the +old-fashioned home-loving woman. I teach the girls to be good wives, +(_door bell rings_) (_enter_ PAULINE) + +PAULINE, (_curtseys_) If you please, mam, there's a female at the door +says she is the new Professor of Husbandology. It's Susan Jane Jones, +mam. + +GRANDMA. Show her in, Pauline. + +PAULINE. Yes'm. + +GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Pauline. + +PAULINE. No'm. (_curtseys_) (_exit_ PAULINE) + +GRANDMA. I hope Susan Jane Jones will be a real nice lady. There's +nothing in the world more necessary than lessons on the Proper Treatment +of Husbands. Women don't seem to know how to treat husbands now-a-days. +They neglect 'em, the poor things. When I was a girl--(_enter_ Susan +Jane Jones.) + +SUSAN. (_strides into room with umbrella held by middle and hand bag +under one atm. Slaps them on table, and begins pulling off her gloves_) +Well, here I am-- + +GRANDMA. (_mildly_) Don't forget your curtsey, Miss Jones. + +SUSAN. (surprised) Hey? What's that? + +GRANDMA. (_gently_) All the faculty and students curtsey when they come +into my presence, Miss Jones. It is a sweet old-fashioned custom-- + +SUSAN. (_briskly_) Well, I'll soon change that--I mean, Howdy! Howdy! +(_bobs several times_) (_aside_) I must not forget I am here as a spy +in the enemy's country. If you are going to do the Romans you must do as +the Romans do. (to GRANDMA) Swell joint you've got here, old lady. + +GRANDMA, (_rubbing knees_) Swell joints? Yes, my dear, a little +rheumatiz makes the joints swell. But I don't complain. I'm an old lady. +I have to expect some aches and pains at my time of life. I'm thankful +I can do a little good work in the world. Do you understand What your +duties will be? + +SUSAN. Sure Mike! I'm the Husbandology lady. I teach the girls how to +treat their husbands when they get 'em. + +GRANDMA. Just so. You will lecture on How to Coddle and Pet a Husband. +Five lectures. Then you will give five lectures on Smoothing the Lines +of + +Care from Hubby's Brow. Then--of course you show by example how all this +is done. + +SUSAN. By example? You don't have a man here, do you? + +GRANDMA. We use the practical method in our classes. "Practice makes +perfect," you know, (_calls_) Pauline! + +PAULINE, (_off stage_) Yes'm, I'm comin'. + +GRANDMA, (_calling_) Bring me the Ideal Husband, Pauline. + +PAULINE. Yes'm. In a minute, mam. + +(_Enter_ PAULINE _with the Dummy Husband under her arm. She throws it +into a chair. Exit._) + +GRANDMA. There! That is our Ideal Husband. He is all a husband should +be. He does not drink nor smoke. He does not go to the club at night. He +never says an unkind word. And he is happy. Do you know why? + +SUSAN. Go ahead. I'll be the goat. What's the answer? + +GRANDMA. He is happy because we are kind to him. Because we coddle and +pet him. I think, before I finally engage you, Miss Jones, I would like +to see an example of your method of coddling and petting. + +(SUSAN _looks at the dummy thoughtfully, takes a step toward it and +pauses, another step, and so on. Finally she jerks the dummy from the +chair by the head and lays the head on her shoulder._) + +SUSAN. Poor hubby, does his poor head ache? (_pats dummy_) Was he out so +late last night? (_puts dummy gently in chair_) Let little wifey rub his +poor head, (_does so_) What did hubby say? All right, little wifey will +tie a nice cold cloth around poor hubby's head. (does this) Now, kiss +little wifey. (_kisses dummy_) What did hubby say? + +GRANDMA. What did he say? + +SUSAN. He said "For goodness sake get away from here and leave me alone. +Can't you see I'm a sick man? Get out of here and stop bothering me." + +GRANDMA, (_admiringly_) How like a real man! And what do you do next? + +SUSAN. (_looking around_) I get a pillow. (_gets one from couch and puts +it lade of dummy_) And I wrap up his feet (_does it_) There, poor dear. +He's sleeping now. + +GRANDMA. Very good. You will do very well. Remember to teach that wives +should obey their husbands and be kind to them. Husbands are such tender +creatures. We should love them and obey them. I will see that your +room is in order. No doubt you will wish to practise coddling the Ideal +Husband a little longer before your classes begin. (_exit_ GRANDMA) + +SUSAN, (_alone_) Get off that chair, you big brute! (_jerks dummy of +chair_) Come home intoxicated, will you? (_throws dummy back on chair_) +Don't talk back to me! (_takes up dummy again_) You are going out, are +you? Well, go out! (_walks toward screen with dummy_) Out you go! I'll +stand no nonsense, I tell you! (_throws dummy behind screen_) Go, if you +want to! There! Coddle and pet them! That's how I coddle and pet them! +(_looks around_) This is a nice situation for Susan Jane Jones, Captain +of Company A, First Regiment, Militant Suffragettes! But all is fair +in Love and Votes for Women! This academy is the last stronghold of the +old-fashioned woman, and from in it the tender young girls learn the +vicious habits of keeping house, being good housewives and attending +to their own affairs as their grandmothers did. From this root +anti-suffragism might spread over the whole world, and I have crept +in, like a spy, to corrupt and destroy it. Woman must and will rule! +(_enter_ KATE _pouting_) + +KATE. (_not seeing_ SUSAN) I don't care! I don't care one bit! I'm +never, never going to speak to John Mason again as long as I live. I +think he is just too horrid for anything, (_takes off coat and hat and +throws them on sofa_) I just hate him. I hate every boy that ever lived, +I do! I think they are mean, overbearing, egotistical things. (_wipes +her eyes_) + +SUSAN. (_clapping her hands once_) My sentiments exactly! I so consider +all men. + +KATE. (_startled_) Oh! I did not know anyone was here. Good morning! +(_curtseys_) Please, you won't tell Grandma Gregg what I said, will +you? (_with head on one side_) She wouldn't like it. (_picking at her +fingers_) She says females should admire and worship all males. + +SUSAN. Humph! Fiddlesticks! Absolutely exploded theory. Latest theory +is, females should abhor and despise all males. What's a man? He's a +worm. A poor silly worm. Now, here! (_takes_ KATE _by arm and leads +her across stage_) We understand each other. You have felt the cruel +oppression of a man! + +KATE. I--I--I just think John Mason treated me real mean, anyway. + +SUSAN. Woman, how else do men ever treat us? We are slaves. But we must +be free. You think I am the new Professor of Husbandology, don't you? +You think I am here to teach you how to treat husbands, don't you? + +KATE. I did think so. + +SUSAN, (_threateningly_) Oh, I'll teach you how to treat husbands! +(PAULINE _enters and overhears, unseen. She gradually comes closer to +them_) I'll teach you how to treat all men. For ages man has crushed us +under his cruel heel. + +KATE. Has he? + +SUSAN. But we will trample him under foot. + +KATE. Will we? + +SUSAN. We must throttle him. We must crush him. + +KATE. Must we? + +SUSAN. Pooh! He's a worm. We will do without him. We will drive him from +the land. Absolutely. Man is a by-gone institution. I class him with the +stage coach and the dodo bird. Woman can do his work better than he can. +He must be driven from the land. + +PAULINE. But, now, mam, if he's driven from the land, he'll be taking a +death of cold in the water. + +SUSAN. So much the better. The object that should burn in every true +woman's heart is the utter extermination of man. (_to_ KATE) You have +felt a man's cruelty. (KATE _wipes her eyes_) + +KATE. I don't see why boys have to be so mean. + +SUSAN. And you, too, you poor creature. Have you not felt the heel of +the oppressor? + +PAULINE. Heel of the oppressor? Mercy sakes! That reminds me. Grandma +Gregg sent me for to get the Ideal Husband and take him down cellar and +black his shoes for him. + +SUSAN, (_triumphantly_) You see! Man makes slaves of us all! + +PAULINE. Has any of you seen the Ideal Husband? Grandma Gregg said he +was in the Classroom conversin' with the new Professor. + +SUSAN. (_carelessly_) Oh, he's gone to his club. I mean, look behind the +screen. + +(PAULINE _gets the dummy, and carries it out, its feet dragging behind +her on the floor. Exit_ PAULINE.) + +SUSAN. My child, the time for the great revolution is at hand. Woman is +about to take her rightfully supreme place in the world. In me you see +one of the leaders of the Militant Suffragettes. Can I count on you? + +KATE. I don't know. I think John Mason treated me just too mean--Oh! +here Comes Grandma Gregg. + +SUSAN. Hush. Not a word of this! (_in a changed tone_). Yes, my dear, +when his head aches take a handful of chopped ice, and fold it in a +bandage-- + +(_Enter_ GRANDMA GREGG.) + +KATE, (_curtseys_) Good morning, Grandma Gregg. + +GRANDMA. Good morning, my dear. (GRANDMA _seats herself and begins +knitting_. KATE _takes sewing from bag and sews_. SUSAN _picks up book +from floor and begins to read_.) + +(_Enter_ GRACE.) + +GRACE. (_curtseys_) Good morning, GRANDMA GREGG. + +GRANDMA. Good morning, my dear. + +(GRACE _seats herself and sews. Enter_ EDITH _and_ IDA.) + +EDITH and IDA. (_curtsey_) Good morning, Grandma Gregg. + +GRANDMA. Good morning, my dears. + +(_Enter_ MAY _and other girls._) + +MAY and Other Girls, (_curtsey_) Good morning, Grandma Gregg. + +GRANDMA. Good morning, my dears. And now we are all here, have you all +done your home work? Let me see it. (_the girls advance, by ones or twos +and show their sewing_) + +GRANDMA. Very good--The stitches are a little too large, sweetheart-- +This buttonhole might be a little neater, precious, etc. (_girls take +seats again, and sew_) + +GRANDMA. Grace, will you act as monitor of the teapot? + +GRACE. Yes, Grandma Gregg. (_curtseys, and makes tea_) + +GRANDMA. Now, young ladies, will you repeat the Golden Text for the day? + +ALL. "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." + +SUSAN. (_scornfully and aside_) Yes, feed the beast and he'll grin. + +GRANDMA. Kate, do you know your precept? + +KATE. (_curtseys_) + + A husband is a precious thing, + He is the woman's lord and king. + +SUSAN. (_aside_) He was, but now he's no such thing. + +GRANDMA. GRACE? + +GRACE. (_with a curtsey_) + + A wife should never hem and haw, + Her husband's word should be her law. + +SUSAN. (aside) Does any woman think that? Pshaw! + +GRANDMA. Next. + +EDITH. (_curtseys_) + + Woman within her home should stay + Her duties there should be her play. + +SUSAN, (_aside_) That sentiment don't go to-day. + +GRANDMA. Next. + +IDA. (_curtseys_) + + The man is noble, strong and brave; + Woman should be his loving slave. + +SUSAN. _That_ notion's in its little grave! + +GRANDMA. Very good, my darlings, (_she rises_) Edith, yesterday you +could not tell me all the ingredients of bread. Do you know now what you +omitted? + +EDITH. Yes, Grandma Gregg. Add a cup of butter. + +GRANDMA. Correct. IDA, if you had a husband and he came home very late, +what would you do? + +IDA. (_curtseys_) I would pretend to be fast, fast asleep. + +GRANDMA. Yes. And what would you say the next morning? + +IDA. "Good morning, dear. I was asleep when you came in. I hope you had +a pleasant evening." + +(GRACE _passes tea. Door bell rings._) + +GRANDMA. Now, Miss-- + +SUSAN. Susan Jane Jones. + +GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Miss Jones. (SUSAN _curtseys_) +You may take the class now, Miss Jones, and give it instruction in +the proper treatment of husbands. Inculcate ideas of meekness and +gentleness. + +SUSAN. Oh, I'll inculcate. Have no fear of that. (_Enter_ PAULINE. _She +has a telegram which she hands to_ GRANDMA. _Also has the dummy, which +she throws on the floor carelessly_.) + +PAULINE. Here's your husband. + +GRANDMA. My dear child, you should not handle a husband in that manner. + +PAULINE. I'll not be handling that husband in any manner very long, +mam. I'm going to quit my job. Nothing but scrub, scrub, mop, mop, from +morning to night. Look at them young ladies, a drinkin' tea and me doin' +the scrub work. I'm tired of being scholar, I am. + +GRANDMA. (_after reading telegram_) You are tired of being a scholar, +are you, PAULINE? + +PAULINE. Yes'm. I'm sick of it. I've learned this scrubbin' lesson from +the cellar up. + +GRANDMA. So you have, dear, so you have! You do it very well. And I am +going to reward you. + +PAULINE. (_happily_) Reward me, mam? + +GRANDMA. Yes. I have just received word my newly engaged Professor of +Rudimentary Household Science cannot come. How would you like to be a +professor, Pauline? + +PAULINE. Oh, me a professor, mam! Me, who has nothing but rags to my +name, a professor? + +GRANDMA. Yes, Pauline. I have made up my mind. I am going to make you +my Professor of Rudiments. Young ladies, this is our new Professor of +Rudiments, (_all curtsey_) + +PAULINE, (_wiping her eyes_) I feel like I ought to make a speech, mam, +but I can't, I'm that overcome. I don't feel like I could do justice to +the job, mam. + +GRANDMA. Oh, yes you can, my dear. Now, your duties as Professor of +Rudiments will consist in teaching the young ladies scrubbing-- + +PAULINE. Scrubbin'? + +GRANDMA. Yes, scrubbing, and mopping, and blacking stoves. + +PAULINE. Scrubbin' an' moppin' an' blackin' stoves? + +GRANDMA. Just so. And you will teach by example. The young ladies will +study your methods. You will scrub and mop and black stoves, and they +will watch you. + +PAULINE. I'll scrub and mop and--It's mighty like the job of bein' +scholar, ain't it, mam? What pay do I get, mam, for all this scrub and +mop? + +GRANDMA. Pay? I am surprised you should ask for pay when I have given +you such a position of trust and honor. But there. If you must have pay, +you shall have it. I will give you the work you owe me for the tuition +you have received. + +PAULINE, (puzzled) Yes'm. Thank you, mam. Now, now, do you do that work +I owe you, or do I do it? + +GRANDMA. What a question! You do it, of course. You owe it to me, child, +don't you? (PAULINE _stands puzzled_) Now, young ladies, I will leave +you to your two new Professors, (_exit_ GRANDMA) + +(PAULINE, _when she is gone, stands puzzled. Turning her head she sees +dummy. She grasps it, raises it above her head, ana throws it down +angrily_) + +PAULINE. Get to work, you husband, get to work! (_ goes to tea table and +eats and drinks during the following scene_) + +SUSAN. Fellow females! (_the girls ignore her. They chatter loudly with +one another. Finally_ KATE's _voice is heard_) + +KATE. Well, I'll never speak to John again as long as I live. + +GRACE. Well, he can't be a bit worse than Arthur. Oh, I'm so mad at +Arthur. I was so mad I could have slapped him. + +EDITH. What did he do, Grace? + +GRACE. I met him on Main Street, quite by chance, you know, and he said, +"Hello, GRACE, you don't want an ice cream soda, do you?" And I said, +"Oh, I don't care." And he said, "Oh, well, if you don't care!" + +IDA. The _horrid_ thing. I think boys are just too horrid for anything. +I oo-ooed at George to-day, and he didn't OO-OO back at me at all. I'm +through with George! + +EDITH. Imagine! When I Oo-oo at a boy and he doesn't OO-OO back I +consider it a deadly insult. I suppose he was talking to some other +girl. + +IDA. No, he wasn't! He was riding his motor cycle, and he was only two +blocks away-- + +EDITH. Perhaps he didn't hear you. + +IDA. That's no excuse at all. When a girl oo-oos it is a boy's duty to +hear. I always hear when George oo-oos. + +MAY. Certainly! Any gentleman would OO-OO back at a girl if she oo-ooed +at him. + +KATE. I suppose you mean Henry would OO-OO back at you. You and Henry! + +MAY. Thank you, but I don't speak to Henry any more. I've sent _him_ +about his business! I was going over to the tennis court yesterday, and +I oo-ooed at him, and he said, "Where are you going, MAY?" and I said, +"I'm going to play tennis, if I can find a partner." And what do you +think _he_ said? + +GRACE. What did he say? + +MAY. He said, "Well, I'm sorry I can't go with, you!" + +All. Oh, how horrid! + +EDITH. Well, I've had all of _Sam_ I want! When I got home from school +yesterday I sat on the front porch _all_ afternoon. Of course I expected +Sam would happen to pass by. + +KATE. Of course. Any gentleman _would_ happen, to pass by. + +EDITH. Certainly. And there I sat. And sat. And sat. And no Sam came +by. Oh, I was mad. And what do you think his excuse was? His mother had +fallen down the cellar stairs and broken her arm. + +KATE. And he let that keep him home! Girls, I think the way the boys +treat us is perfectly outrageous! There are whole minutes in every day +when they don't think of us at all. + +GRACE. Oh, not _whole_ minutes. + +KATE. Well, parts of minutes, anyway. I understand that several times +this term several of the boys almost knew their lessons. That couldn't +happen if they thought of us _all_ the time. + +All. The horrid things! + +KATE. Well, for my part, I'm through with boys! I wish they were +all--all extinct. + +SUSAN, (_rapping on table with her umbrella_) Ladies! Fellow females! +I have heard what you said. Your wrongs are enormous, but what does man +live for but to oppress us? We are down-trod, down-trod by man, that +worm that like a roaring lion seeks to cast dust in our eyes with his +soaring wings while he rends our heart with his cruel beak! Shall we, +ladies, be slaves to a worm? + +PAULINE. No, mam. (_curtseys_) + +SUSAN. No! You wish the men were extinct. We will extinguish them. Why +waste your lives here doing plain and fancy sewing-- + +PAULINE. And scrubbin'-- + +SUSAN. When woman was meant to occupy the noblest spheres? Wives? Faugh! +Housewives? Faugh! Let us take the work of the men, and do it! Follow +the bright banner of Susan Jane Jones, the Militant Suffragette, and +drive the men into the sea! I have heard the story of your wrongs-- + +KATE. Well, I do think Henry was just too mean for anything. + +SUSAN. Sewing! Scrubbing! Have you women never wished to do the work of +men? + +KATE. Yes, I have. I always wanted to be a doctor, but my father +wouldn't hear of it. + +GRACE. What kind of a doctor, Kate? + +KATE. Oh, a handsome doctor with curly gray hair. And you, Grace? + +GRACE. Oh, I want to be a lawyer, a plump, jolly lawyer. And you, Edith? + +EDITH. I want to be an editor. + +GRACE. Republican or Democrat? + +EDITH. I don't know. The kind with a big automobile. And you, Ida? + +IDA. I want to be a politician. + +Mat. An honest one, of course. + +IDA. Well, no. A successful politician. And you, May? + +Mat. I want to run a vegetable market, where the women can come with +their market baskets. + +SUSAN. Where the _men_ can come with their market baskets, (_to_ +PAULINE) And you, you poor creature, have you never felt the longing to +usurp man's sphere? Have you never longed to do a man's work? + +PAULINE. Oh, yes, mam. This humble heart (_tapping her waist_) has felt +the what-you-call it many a time. I have always wished, mam, to be a +pirate. + +All. A pirate! + +PAULINE. A pirate. And why not? That's men's work. Listen:-- + + Since my mother's lap I played in + When I was a wee small maiden-- + +SUSAN. Just so high! + +All. Just so high! + +PAULINE. + + I have had a great ambition + For to better my condition-- + +SUSAN. So have I. + +All. So have I. + +PAULINE. + + Dolls was things I much detested + Toys left me uninterested. + Even as a little baby + I had hopes that sometime, maybe + I could be a roaring pirate, + Be a swearing, tearing pirate, + Be a shocking, wicked pirate, + With a cruel, cruel eye, + +SUSAN. I call that a very noble and uplifting ambition for a modern +young lady. + +PAULINE. + +Listen:-- + + I have dreamed of death and slaughter + On the wild tumultuous water + +SUSAN. Oh, how dear! + +ALL. Oh, how dear! + +PAULINE. + + I have longed to wear a dagger + And cut throats, and swear, and swagger. + +SUSAN, Hear! Hear! + +All. Hear! Hear! + +PAULINE. + + All around me, dead and dying, + I would see my victims lying; + And I'd laugh out loud and louder + As I smelled the blood and powder, + For I'd be a roaring pirate, + Be a swearing, tearing pirate, + Bloody-bones, the heartless pirate, + With a cruel, cruel eye. + +SUSAN. I consider Bloody-bones a very sweet name for a young lady +pirate. Very! + +PAULINE. Yes, mam. (_curtseys_) So, if it's all the same to you, I'd +like to be a pirate, mam, SUSAN. Certainly. A pirate's life is a very +mannish occupation. + +KATE. Wouldn't it be lovely to be a pirate! It is much more interesting +than being a doctor. + +PAULINE. Yes, Miss Kate. And there's no scrubbin' on a pirate craft. The +wash of the sea is merely a poetical term. And if the men is drove off +the land, they'll take to ships, do you see, and there'll be plenty of +work for a respectable, blood-thirsty lady pirate to do, catchin' 'em +and extinguishing 'em. + +GRACE. Oh, girls, wouldn't it be lovely to be pirates? + +SUSAN. Then be pirates! The Militant Suffragettes need a navy as well as +an army. Every revolution needs its privateers. + +KATE. No more sewing! (_gathers up sewing and throws it down_) + +PAULINE. No more scrubbin'. (_throws away mop and brush_) + +GRACE. No more rag bags! (_takes rag bag from chair, and is about to +throw it, when red rags fall out_) + +PAULINE. Hold on, Miss GRACE! Pirates is mostly dressed out of rag bags, +(_winds red rag around_ GRACE's _head, and a red rag as sash. All do +likewise_) Wait till I get the swords, (_exit_ PAULINE) + +KATE, (_front, with clenched fists_) OO--I feel blood-thirsty! + +SUSAN. And you look extremely blood-thirsty. + +GRACE, OO--I feel ferocious! + +SUSAN. And you look too ferocious for anything. + +EDITH. OO--I feel wicked! + +SUSAN. You are certainly a fear-compelling sight. + +IDA. OO--I feel murderous! + +SUSAN. You look like a most criminal character. + +Mat. OO--I feel dangerous! + +SUSAN. You look extremely dangerous. + +PAULINE. (_entering with table knives, etc_.) OO--I feel like if I seen +a cake of soap I could kick it! (_she distributes knives_) + +SUSAN. Reserve your wrath for the men. (_drawing them all to her_) +Hist! To-night--at dead of night--we will capture--a lumber schooner--at +Copp's lumber yard-- + +All. Aye! Aye! Mam! + +SUSAN. To-night--at dead of night--meet me--at the corner of--Main and +Broadway! + +All. Aye! Aye! Mam! + +SUSAN. To-night--at dead of night--we will strangle the watchmen-- + +KATE. At dead of night? I don't think we ought to strangle watchmen at +dead of night unless we have a chaperone, do you girls? + +SUSAN. Nonsense! What kind of Suffragettes are you to need a chaperone? +I don't have a chaperone. + +GRACE. Well, I don't care! I'm not going out strangling at night without +a chaperone! It isn't proper. + +SUSAN. But you are a pirate. + +EDITH. I don't care if we are pirates. We don't have to be improper +pirates. I want to strangle and murder in a perfectly proper manner. + +PAULINE. How about takin' the old lady with you? + +KATE. Grandma Gregg? Why, she's no Suffragette. Oh, girls! The very +thing! We _will_ take Grandma Gregg! We'll capture her! We'll take her, +in chains! + +SUSAN. Excellent! _You_ will have your chaperone, and I will be rid of +the most dangerous Anti-suffra-gette! Seek her and seize her! + +All. We go! We go! (_exit all, left, except_ PAULINE) (_enter_ GRANDMA +GREGG, _right_) + +GRANDMA. I thought I heard a noise, Pauline. How are the dear girls +getting on with their lessons? + +PAULINE, (_curtseys_) Fine, mam. They're learning new tricks every day. + +GRANDMA. (_picking up dummy and laying it over chair back_) Very good. +But I wouldn't wear a bandeau on my hair if I were you, Pauline. I don't +like these ribbons bound around the head of young girls. They make them +look like pirates. (PAULINE _starts uneasily_) + +PAULINE. Pirates, mam? What a notion! + +GRANDMA. Pirates, or Italian ditch diggers. + +PAULINE, (_boldly_) Well, mam, let it be pirates, then. Pirate is what I +am. (_hesitates_) Grandma Gregg, you've always been good to me, barring +the scrubbing and mopping and blacking shoes and stoves. If I was you, +mam, I'd pack some clothes, so as to be ready for the sea voyage. + +GRANDMA. Me? A sea voyage? + +PAULINE. Yes'm. (_curtseys_) This Susan Jane Jones is not what she +seems, mam. I let on, mam, I was of her way of thinking, mam, but I +ain't. A husband is good enough woman's rights for me, mam. A nice, +quiet, well-behaved husband like that one there is all I want. + +GRANDMA. I don't understand you. + +PAULINE. Susan Jane Jones is a Militant Suffragette, mam. + +GRANDMA. A Militant Suffragette? In this academy? + +PAULINE. Yes, mam. (_curtseys_) She's here like a snake in the grass, +mam, and her and the young ladies is goin' to extinguish all the men. +They're all goin' to be pirates, mam, and most bloody minded pirates +they be, too. And you, mam, that never did them any harm, they are going +to capture and take along with them in chains. For a chaperone, mam. + +GRANDMA, (_hanging her head_) And is this the reward for my efforts to +make good wives of them! + +(_Enter_ SUSAN _cautiously. She beckons to the girls_.) + +SUSAN. This way! She's here! + +(_The girls creep in, knives in their teeth, swaggering like story-book +pirates._ SUSAN _folds her arms._) + +SUSAN. Woman! Your hour has come! + +GRANDMA. Well, I do declare! + +SUSAN. These poor maidens you thought to corrupt into housework ways, I +have won from you. Here, to-day, the revolution that will sweep the men +from the land and sea, begins! We are resolved! ALL. (_shouting_) We are +resolved! + +SUSAN. In these hearts burns nothing but hatred and detestation of man. + +ALL. (_shouting_) Hatred and detestation. + +KATE. We don't want to have anything more to do with men. + +GRACE. We are absolutely through with them. And with boys, too. + +GRANDMA. Now, my dears-- + +SUSAN. Enough! Pirates, do your duty! Seize that man! (_two girls seize +and bind the dummy_) + +SUSAN. Ha! Ha! Now seize and bind and gag that woman, (_points to_ +GRANDMA. _The girls rush at_ GRANDMA, _who skips backward_) + +SUSAN, (_front, rubbing her hands with joy_) pirates! My faithful band +of man-haters, (_to audience_) You men, your turn is next! + +A BOY'S VOICE. (_off stage_) OO-oo! + +(KATE, _who it about to bind_ GRANDMA, _stops and listens_.) + +KATE That's John! + +SECOND BOY'S VOICE. (_off stage) Oo-oo! Oo-oo!_) + +GRACE. (_listening_) That's--that's Arthur! + +SEVERAL BOY'S VOICES. Oo-oo! Oo-Oo! Oo-oo! + +EDITH, IDA and Mat. That's Sam! That's George! That's Henry! (_all crowd +to door and look out_) + +KATE. (_eagerly_) Oh, girls! It's the boys, they want us to come out! +Where's my hat? + +(_All rush in a crowd to sofa and begin digging wildly into wraps and +hats, putting them on as hastily as possible_) + +SUSAN. Girls! Pirates! Stop! The revolution! Remember your cause! + +KATE. (_pinning on her hat_) Revolution! I haven't time for revolutions, +don't you hear the boys calling us? + +SUSAN. Stop! Are you not women? + +GRACE. (_as all come forward_) Women? Pirates? Why no, we are just the +I. I. Club. Just girls. Just sweet girls! + +VOICES, (_off stage_) Oo-oo! + +GIRLS. Oo-oo! Oo-oo! Oo-oo! (_they rush out_) + +(SUSAN _slowly picks up umbrella and hand bag, and moves to door_. +GRANDMA _takes up her knitting._ PAULINE _picks up her mop, and looks +lovingly at dummy_.) + +PAULINE. I'm ashamed of you, sir. Why didn't you-oo at me when all them +boys was oo-ooing? you had oo-ooed at me I would have oo-ooed back. + +GRANDMA. (_with interest_) Did he speak to you, Pauline? + +PAULINE. No, mam. He's an Ideal Husband, and Ideal Husbands don't talk +back, mam. + +(CURTAIN) + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Revolt, by Ellis Parker Butler + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE REVOLT *** + +***** This file should be named 44221.txt or 44221.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/2/2/44221/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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