diff options
Diffstat (limited to '44690-0.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 44690-0.txt | 1377 |
1 files changed, 1377 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/44690-0.txt b/44690-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c59579b --- /dev/null +++ b/44690-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1377 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44690 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 109. + +JULY 27, 1895. + + + + +THE LOST RECORD. + +(_The Wail of a Wiped-out Wheelman._) + +AIR--"_The Lost Chord._" + + Reading one day in our "Organ," + I was happy and quite at ease. + A band was playing the "_Lost Chord_," + Outside--in three several keys. + But _I_ cared not how they were playing, + Those puffing Teutonic men; + For I'd "cut the record" at cycling, + And was ten-mile champion then! + + It flooded my cheeks with crimson, + The praise of my pluck and calm; + Though that band seemed blending "Kafoozleum" + With a touch of the Hundredth Psalm. + But my joy soon turned into sorrow, + My calm into mental strife; + For my Record was "cut" on the morrow, + And it cut _me_, like a knife. + A fellow had done the distance + In the tenth of a second less! + And henceforth my name in silence + Was dropt by the Cycling Press. + + I have sought--but I seek it vainly-- + With that Record again to shine. + Midst crack names in our Cycling Organ, + But they never mention mine + It may be some day at the Oval + I may cut that Record again, + But at present the Cups are given + To better--_or_ luckier--men! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CONCLUSIVE. + +SCENE--_Hibernian Table d'hôte._ + +_Guest._ "WAITER! I SAY--THIS IS PORK! I WANT MUTTON!" + +_Waiter_ (_rather bustled_). "YES SOR IT'S MUTTON YE _WANT_--BUT +IT'S PORK YE'LL _HAVE!_"] + + * * * * * + +OF COURSE.--Directly it was known that Sir WILLIAM +HARCOURT had accepted an invitation to contest West Monmouthshire, +and that Mr. WARMINGTON had generously offered to retire +in his favour, there was a rush for the evident joke of styling +the self-effacing Q.C. "Mr. WARMINGPAN." It is uncertain +which paper was the first to get the Warmingpan into its sheets. Sir +WILLIAM did not find the vacated seat too hot to hold him. +Just nice. + + * * * * * + +NEW TITLES.--Sir HENRY LOCH is created Baron +LOCH of Drylaw. The title will be appropriately written out +on parchment. For was there ever a more dry-as-dust title than that of +a Barren Loch and Dry Law!! Mr. STERN comes to the front as +Baron WANDSWORTH: not of Wandsworth Common, "and so," as a +Shakspearian clown might say, "the title is uncommon." Finally + + Cock a doodle doo! + Lord HOUGHTON'S Earl of Crewe! + +being, evidently, the living representative of SHAKSPEARE'S +"Early Village Cock." + + * * * * * + +SCRAPS FROM CHAPS. + +BALLOTERY.--The Cork Agricultural Society had before it a +proposal of the County Board to rent their ground for holding sports. +The Chairman said, + + "It was to be understood that the grounds would only be let on the + understanding that no drink would be sold, and that _no political + meetings or gambling_ would be allowed." + +Rather hard on politicians this, to bracket their patriotic endeavours +with pitch-and-toss and alcoholic indulgence! If politics are like +strong drink, nobody at any rate can call them a form of "refreshment"! +But defeated candidates will quite agree that the game of "_bleu et +jaune_" is a good deal worse than "_rouge et noir_." + + * * * * * + +A DAY SHIFT.--From the _North British Daily Mail_ comes news +of a daring electoral outrage. The Liberal candidate wanted to address +the colliers in one of the Lanarkshire towns; but his meeting was very +poorly attended. The cause was that the colliers were all waiting at +the bottom of the pit ready to be drawn up, but "it was found necessary +to send down an extra quantity of wood at that particular time"; so +that the colliers could not get to the surface for an hour, when the +political meeting was over! Smart man, the Conservative agent in that +division! The pitmen could not be wound up, so the meeting was. It +isn't only in Lanark that the Liberal Party wants a lift! + + * * * * * + +"LITTERAL" TRUTH.--The effects of the General Election on the +Press seem to be most marked in Ireland. An Irish contemporary has the +following:-- + + "IRELAND. THE VICEROYALTY TO BE ABOLILHED.--Colonel + SAUNDERSON, addressing the Orangemen of Diamond, near Armagh, + said that Lord LALISBURY'S Government would bring in a Bil to + obolieh the office of Irish Viceroy." + +What is really to happen to the Irish Viceroy is rather mysterious. +Is he to be "abolilhed," or only "oboliehed"? Perhaps "Lord +LALISBURY" will kindly explain. + + * * * * * + +DRINKING SCENE OF THE FUTURE. + +(_In consequence of the Growing Demand for Lighter Liquors._) + + SCENE--_The interior of a Dining-room. The ladies have just + left, and the gentlemen are discussing their beverages._ + +_Smith._ I say, BROWN, if it is not an impertinent question, +where _did_ you get that toast-and-water? + +_Brown._ I thought you would be deceived! It was a cup, not the pure +article! My butler is a first-rate hand at it. I will give you the +recipe if you like. + +_Smith._ Do. It was excellent. What _is_ the secret? + +_Brown._ Something, I fancy, to do with watercress. + +_Jones._ I say, BROWN, that was really very nice sherbet. +Turkish or Persian? + +_Brown._ Neither. Came from the Stores. Home-made. + +_Jones._ Well, it certainly was capital. I could have sworn that it had +been manufactured East of the Levant. + +_Brown._ More likely East of Temple Bar. And now shall we have a +whitewash before we join the ladies? + +_Six Guests._ No, thanks! Really not! + +_Half-a-dozen more of the Company._ Really not! No, thanks! + +_Brown._ Nonsense! (_Produces a pint bottle of lemonade._) Nonsense, +I repeat! Look here, my boys. (_Locks door._) Not one of you fellows +shall leave the room until you have finished _this!_ + + [_Draws cork of pint bottle, and distributes the lemonade amidst the + good-natured protestations of the revellers. Scene closes in upon the + Temperance orgy._ + + * * * * * + +_NOT IN THE "NEWCASTLE PROGRAMME."--Last week Sir CHARLES +FREEMANTLE, K.C.B., was presented with his portrait painted by +Hon. JOHN COLLIER, in Hon. JOHN'S best style; and so, +for this work, COLLIER cannot be "hauled over the coals." _À +propos_, evidently _the_ artist to paint the present Ministry should +be a Collier, as it is a _Coal_ition Cabinet. If the Collier were a +Radical, how coal-black the portraits would come out! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "GENTLEMAN JOE." + +_Joe Ch-mb-rl-n_ (_the Driver, to his fare Lord S-l-sb-ry, with A. J. +B-lf-r_). "ALL RIGHT, GOVERNOR! _I_ KNOW THE WAY!"] + + * * * * * + +'ARRY ON THE ELECTIONS. + + Dear CHARLIE,--O 'ip, 'ip, 'ooray, an' three more, and a tiger! Great + Scott! + I'm as 'appy as ten on 'em, CHARLIE, though thusty and thundering 'ot. + I've bin up to my eyes in it this time, and now these 'ere Polling + Returns + Are a-sending me slap off my chump, though I'm sorry they didn't chuck + BURNS. + + Oh! I'm feeling O K and a arf; I could stand on my 'ed with delight, + For the Rads are knocked out in three rounds, 'Ome Rule's smashed, and + Old England's all right. + And although it is late, and I'm tired, I'm so full of our Glorious Win, + That I feel I _must_ sit down and drop yer a line, mate, afore I turn in. + + I'm the Pet of the Primrosers, CHARLIE, and, 'ang it, I've earned it all + round, + For I've worked like a nig, and no error. It suits me right down to the + ground. + I've canvassed and posted tremenjous, I'm 'usky with cheer and chi-ike, + And I've mounted the Unionist colours, and blazed round the streets on a + bike. + + There was full arf a mile on us, CHARLIE, a scarlet percession on wheels; + With Japanese lanterns a-flying, and 'underds o' kids at our 'eels. + I felt I was "charging the guns," like that brave Ballyclava Brigade, + With shouts for "Lord MUNGO and Malt!" and a little one in for "The + Trade." + + I tell yer, old man, 'twos hexciting. We dashed along Mulberry Scrubs. + And up the 'igh street a rare buster, 'ocrayed by the bhoys at the Pubs. + We scooted around for ten mile, the 'ole distance one thunderin' cheer; + And _when_ we pulled up at the "Crown," if you'd just seen me lower the + beer! + + I lapped off a quart in one quencher. "_That_'s rippin'!" sez I to the + Bung. + "I felt liked a dashed wooden 'orse, with a lump o' red leather for + tongue." + "Ah!" sez 'e, "and jest fancy, old man, if them Vetoers 'ad their vile + way, + Wy, _I_ couldn't sell you a tankard, and _you_ wouldn't 'ave any say!" + + But jimminy-whizz, _'ow_ we squelched 'em! We got our man in two to one, + Though our neighbourhood used to vote Rad, and a Tory was not in the run. + Wot beans it must be to old 'ARCOURT, wot toko to LAWSON and CAINE! + Well, they've got their fair arnser this time; let us 'ope they won't + try it again. + + _Workin'-men_ on the _Radical_ ramp? You should jest 'ear wot _I_ 'ear, + old pal. + Let big pots make the round o' the pubs, and they won't talk that footy + fal-lal. + Labour wants steddy work and good wyges, and likes to see England look + big; + And then, with its baccy and beer, it's all one to it, Tory _or_ Whig. + + Wot's it care for Welsh Churches, or Scotch 'uns, as don't 'ardly enter + its own? + And as to 'Ome Rule--for yer worker there's dashed little meat on _that_ + bone. + Talk of Betterment, Progress, Peer-smashing, and such-like, may do for + the Clubs; + But all Labour _gits_ is 'igh rates, shocking trade, and a raid on its + pubs. + + Workman sez it's too good enough, CHARLIE; believes as it's better by far + To vote for Old SOL, a big Navy, an' maybe a olly good war. + He's sick of the bloomin' old forriners copping our trade and our tin, + And 'e's game for Protection _and_ Peers--_anythink_, so Old England may + win! + + If the Rads wont his vote for the future, they've got somethink _solid_ + to do! + Village Councils and Vetoes won't work it, for all BILLY 'ARCOURT'S + boohoo! + 'E don't wont less beer, but more beer-money, ah! and 'e don't care a + blow + If 'e gits it from ROSEBERY and 'ARCOURT, or SOLSBURY, BALFOUR and JOE! + + But 'ang it, I'm preaching, old oyster, and giving them Rads the straight + tip. + One thing, they won't take it, this lot won't; they ain't got no savvy, + no grip. + Bin sloppin' all over the place like, a-fillin' their cup, and that rot, + And now, arter tackling the pewter, they find as they've all gone to pot. + + O ain't it ske-rumptious, my pippin? I feel I could washup Brum JOE, + And I'm bound to admit, next to Bung, us true Tories must thank _him_ + this go. + He's crumped 'is old pals a fair knock-out. If SOLSBURY'S saddle 'e'll + carry, + And run straight in 'arness with ARTHUR, _'e_'ll do! Yours, tolbobbishly, + + 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +NOT THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEM.--Lord ROSEBERY +the Derby Winner; Sir W. V. HARCOURT the Derby Loser. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: UNLUCKY SPEECHES. + +_She_ (_giving him a flower_). "SWEET AS THE GIVER?" + +_He_ (_wishing to be very complimentary indeed_). "OH--SWEETER FAR!"] + + * * * * * + +DISSOLVING VIEWS. + +(_A Reminiscence of the Recent Elections._) + + SCENE--_The corner of Northumberland Avenue, opposite the + National Liberal Club, where a screen is erected, on which the latest + results of the second day's pollings, together with photographs of + prominent Liberal politicians, and scathing caricatures of Unionist + leaders, are being exhibited by a magic lantern for the benefit of a + large and good-humoured crowd. The sympathies of the majority are, as + might perhaps be expected, with the winning side, but the minority + is very fairly represented, while in "booing" and "brayvo"-ing they + are incontestably the stronger party._ TIME--_Between 10 + P.M. and 12.30 A.M._ + +_Spectators_ (_as the portrait of_ Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT +_is displayed_). Yah! Tike 'im down! 'Ow about Durby?... Brayvo!... +Three cheers fur 'AR-COURT! 'E'll come back yet! (_Lord_ +ROSEBERY'S _likeness follows_.) Good ole _Ladas!_ Cheer up! +Put a _smile_ on 'im! + + [Mr. GLADSTONE'S _face, leonine and benignant, is next shown_. + +_A Chivalrous Conservative_ (_magnanimously_). 'E's a grand old chap, +any'ow; _I_ ain't goin' to chevy 'im. + + [_Which, to the credit of the assembly, seems to be the general + sentiment, as conveyed by unanimous applause._ + +_A Sanguine Radical._ We shall 'ave the results in soon now; it's past +ten. We shall do better to-day than what we did Saturday, you _see_.... +Ah, here's the first--"Hereford. Unionist Majority, 313. No change." +You can't _expeck_ none in a rotten place like that! You _wait_ a +bit.... "Croydon. Increased Unionist majority of 835. No change." +Well, 'UTCHINSON done very well; it's a strong Tory seat, is +Croydon. They're on'y 'olding their own so far--that's all. + +_Radical Group_ (_as a series of cartoons is next displayed_). +Hor-hor! There's JOEY, d'ye see? Boo-oo. "'E tiles not +now!"... 'Oo's _that?_ The ole Dook o' CAMBRIDGE? No, it's +Lord SOLSBURY, that is. So it is. That's a good 'it, eh? Look +at the size of 'is _boots!_ What's written on them? "_Comfort_," or +somethink! "_Chuck-out_," is it? Oh, I couldn't make the writing out. +Hor-hor; got 'im there, they 'ave. Garn. King BOMBA!... Look +at ole GOSHIN. 'E _'ave_ give 'im a _'at_, ain't 'e? I arsk +_you_, is _that_ a fice, as orter be in Parliment?... 'Ave they 'ad +BALFOUR up yet? Yuss, they did _'im_ with 'is trousers shrunk +up to 'is knees. Kepital it was. Harhar! that's the way to show _that_ +lot up, and no mistake! (_&c., &c._) + +_The Crowd_ (_as several results are announced in succession_). +Comin' in quick now, ain't they? Look there! "Boston. Unionist gain!" +'Oo-ra-ay! bo-oo-oo! "North Lambeth. Unionist gain." .... "Rochdale. +Unionist gain!".... "Bristol (South), increased Conservative majority. +No change." + +_The Sanguine Radical._ Tell ye what 'tis, they're putting in all the +Conservative wins _first_. And them bigoted beggars at Bristol, they +dunno what they're votin' _for_, they don't. We shall pull up afore +long. There, what did I _tell_ you? Look a' _that_. "Durham. Liberal +majority, 1--Objection raised." Hooray! we're beginning ter buck up +_now_, ye see! (_Radical groups cheer in a spirit of thankfulness +for small mercies._) "Pontefract. Liberal majority, 57. No change." +(_Frantic Radical enthusiasm and cries of_ "Good ole Pontefrack!") +"Huddersfield. Radical gain." (_Roars of delight from Radicals._) 'Ave +a few more like _that_, and we shall do.... "Oldham. Conservative gain +o' two seats." (_Tremendous cheering from Conservatives._) Well, after +_that_, I'm prepared for anythink, I am! + +_Elderly Radical Solon._ It's jes _this_ way, them Conservatives, they +ain't got no _prinserples_, o' course, but they do stick together, and +that's 'ow they git the advantage over _us_. But it jes serves the +Govment right fur not parsin' the Second Ballot. They _could_ ha' done +it, and they _orter_ ha' done it! + +_His Companion_ (_disguising a slight vagueness as to the precise +nature of this measure_). I dessay, I dessay; but it's these 'ere +Labour Kendidates as are playin' the dooce with us. Lost us several +seats a'ready, they 'ave. + +_The R. S._ My argument on that is this--the ole question o' the Labour +was concocted four year ago at Devonshire 'Ouse. + +_His Companion_ (_guardedly_). It _might_ ha' bin, but I don't foller +yer, John. + +_An Independent._ Anyway, you can't say as the Labour Candidate made +any difference _'ere_--he on'y polled twelve 'undred and fifty-one +votes, and the Unionist had neely five thousand! + +_His Neighbour._ No difference? 'Ow d' yer make _that_ out? Why, the +Radical was on'y four'underd or so be'ind, and it stands to reason, as +if arf the Labour votes 'ad bin given to 'im, he'd 'a won easy! + +_The Independent_ (_hastily_). Yes, yes; jesso, jesso; but that wasn't +my _point_. And KEIR 'ARDIE sez there'll be three 'underd +Labour Kendidates next elections. Ah, and they'll _find_ 'em, too! + +_A Unionist._ I 'ope they may. More on 'em the merrier--for _our_ side! + +_The Independent._ Any'ow, KEIR 'ARDIE'S safe for West 'Am. +Majority o' twelve 'underd and thirty-two last time. Take a _lot_ o' +pulling down, that will! (_Polling at West Ham (South) announced._ +KEIR HARDIE _defeated by 775. Impartial joy of Tories and +Liberals._) What? Chucked? _'Im!_ The on'y man with the morril courage +to wear a deerstalker in the 'Ouse! They ain't fit to _'ave_ a vote! + + [_Exit disgustedly._ + +[Illustration: "'E's a reg'lar tinker's cuss, as I 'appen to know!"] + +_A Red-hot Radical._ Ah, what I ses is, it don't matter which you +fetch a man out of--whether it's Newgit, or whether it's a mad 'ouse, +'e's good enough to make a Tory of! Look at 'im as 'as got in agen for +West Puddlesford, 'e's a beauty--the 'ottest member in the 'Ouse, 'e +is--_that_ feller, why, 'e's a reg'lar tinker's cuss, as I 'appen to +know! (_Another result is exhibited. A Conservative Brewer gets in for +Worcester. No change._) Good ole Bung'ole! It's the beer as _does_ it! + +_First Mechanic_ (_after a Radical majority at Devonport has been +announced_). Well, I can't understand a dockyard town voting for a +Radical; they get twice the amount o' work under a Tory government, +that's a matter of common knowledge. + +_Second Mechanic._ What's the good o' that when others have got none at +all? I'm all for _ekalizing_ the work--let 'em have 'alf the work and +give others a chance. + +_First Mech._ You wouldn't accept 'alf the work _you_'ve got, I'll lay. +You _would?_ Well, yer _missis_ wouldn't, then! + +_Second Mech._ She'd 'ave to. And why should 'alf of us starve? + +_First Mech._ Why should _all_ of us? But there's no use o' you and me +_argufying_ about it. + + [_Which, of course, they continue to do notwithstanding; there is a + lull in the returns, and the photographs and caricatures are once more + in request_; Mr. CHAMBERLAIN'S _being exhibited upside down + by way of variety_. + +_A Radical._ What d' yer think o' JOE _now?_ 'E's met with a +reverse, eh! + +_A Tory._ _That_'s all right, mate; it on'y means as 'e's a goin' to do +it on 'is 'ed! + +_An elderly and excited Irishwoman._ Ah, bad luck to 'im, the +murtherin' scounthril! wants a _toitle_, dees he? Jist th' loike of all +thim Saxon opprissors, th' toirant. What does _he_ care hwhat becomes +o' th' poor Oirish, so long as he gets his billyfull? + + [_She pours a stream of denunciation into the ears of the nearest + Radical._ + +_The Radical_ (_soothingly_). Good 'ole BRIDGET. But look +'ere, you needn't come and talk to _me_ about it. (_Indicating a Tory +neighbour._ You go an' tell '_im!_ + + [_Which_ BRIDGET _does, volubly; more portraits are + exhibited. One of_ Mr. JUSTIN MCCARTHY _being hailed with + cries of "Brayvo_, LABBY!" and _"Our Cartoonist" being + instantly recognised as the late_ Mr. PARNELL. + +_Radical Spectators_ (_after results of polling at Deptford, Halifax, +Hartlepool, Bristol (North), (&c._). Oh dear, oh dear, oh _dear_. Well, +I'm sure! MACNAMARA, the man 'oo polled the 'ighest votes +in the School Board Election--and look at him _now!_ If SIDNEY +WEBB 'ud ha' contested that, 'e'd a' _won_ it!... There's +_another_ seat we've lost. Well, I was 'appier standing 'ere this time +three years ago, blow'd if I wasn't!... Oh lor, my brother-in-law 'll +go wild over this. My ole uncle 'll go arf orf his 'ed. (_&c., &c._) + +_An Irrelevant Person._ Tork about Tories! Why, I'll lay anybody a +shillin' JEM SMITH, the fighting man, 's a Tory, and _all_ o' +them prize-fighters are--and that's 'ow it's _done!_ + +_First Lounger._ _'Oo_ ain't a workin' man? I lay I work as 'ard as +what _you_ do, come now! + +_Second Lounger._ What _are_ yer then? A mat-seller? + +_First Lounger_ (_indignantly_). Garn! A mat-seller? I'm a bloomin' +toe-walker, I am. Lean up agin the doors o' public-'ouses, I do, and +work _'ard_ at it! + + [_His claim is reluctantly admitted._ + +_The Sanguine Radical._ Twelve Unionist gains to three Radical! Well, +there's no denying things ain't gone quite as well as I expected. But +there, there's no telling; by this time to-morrow we shall all know +more than what we do now. I shall turn in to LOCKHART'S and +'ave a large cocoa after this. I _want_ it, I can tell yer! + + * * * * * + +OPERATIC NOTES. + +_MONDAY, July 15._--_Tannhäuser_ Combination Company +night. Made in Germany, brought into England, and sung in French. +ALBANI unexpectedly out, like HARCOURT; +EAMES in as Liberal-Unionist. "Miss EAMES and miss +ALBANI," quoth WAGSTAFF. MAUREL unwell: +apologised for EAMES, distantly related to "'Eames Ancient and +Modern," (which superseded TATE and BRADY,) nervous +but charming. Protean Mlle. BAUERMEISTER as _Little-Bo-Peep_, +the shepherd's boy, excellent. _Venus-Adini_ fine and large, offering +to excellent _Tannhäuser-Alvarez_ a great contrast to beloved +_Elizabeth-Eames_. House crammed. + +[Illustration] + +_Saturday._--Peacefully comical and classical _Philemon et Baucis_ +followed by warlike, modern, and tragical _La Navarraise_. Bang go the +drums and cannons. CALVÉ to the front! _C'est magnifique!_ +Literally stunning! DRURIOLANUS must get an opera written +with a naval engagement in it (he can easily add this to his other +engagements for next season), ending with general explosion and +Admiral's cocked hat going off. No charge for suggestion. Bombardier +BEVIGNANI or Marine MANCINELLI might revel in it. +_Vive la Guerre!_ + + * * * * * + +Breach of Promise Couplet. + + [Last week Miss EDMAN sued JAKOBOWSKI for breach of + promise and won her case with £700 damages.] + + O JAKOBOWSKI many tears you'll shed man, + You lost your money when you lost your 'Ed-man! + + * * * * * + +Election Notes from the West. + +_Plymouth._--CLARKE secures seat, but HUBBARD, like +dog of celebrated ancestress, has none. + +_Falmouth._--HORNIMAN in. "_Fabula narratur de Tea._" + +_Camborne Division._--STRAUSS conducting great campaign in a +Miner key. Key to situation. + +_Ashburton Division._--Radicals fighting nix or nothing. Unionist +war-cry, "Nix my dolly, pals, vote away!" + +_Torquay Division._--Electors continue policy of filling up the cup by +returning PHILLPOTTS. + + * * * * * + +COUPLET, JUST OUT. + + On faults only two in our rule I can touch: + We gave 'em too little and promised too much. + + _Sir Henry Campbell Balladman._ + + * * * * * + +"GOODE GOODS."--"The Goode Collection" sold at Christie's +Tuesday and Thursday last. Goode enough, of course; but because it was +the Goode Collection it evidently could not have been the Best. + + * * * * * + +RECIPROCITY. + +SCENE--_A London Dinner Party._ + +Mr. LAMBERT _and_ Mrs. CRUMPINGTON (_chance +partners_). + +_Mr. Lambert_ (_feeling his way_). Been to the Opera often this season, +Mrs. CRUMPINGTON? + +_Mrs. Crumpington._ Oh, very often. I am so devoted to music, you know, +that I go whenever I can. And, talking of music, have you heard that +new pianist, Herr--what _is_ his name?--oh yes, Herr WIDOWSKI? +He's too delicious for words! + +_Mr. L._ No; I can't say that I go to concerts much. You should talk to +my daughter ETHEL--she's devoted to music, and they tell me +that she's got a really fine voice. I'm sure she practises enough. + +_Mrs. C._ Indeed? Well, I've no voice, I'm sorry to say; but I play the +piano a little--only a _very_ little, you know. + +_Mr. L._ Wonderful what a lot of people _do_ play in these +days--(_hastily_)--not like _you_, of course; but one hears pianos and +fiddles going in every house, and most of them are simply instruments +of torture. + +_Mrs. C._ (_smiling_). Rather a rash remark--isn't it? You've never +heard me play, you see! (Mr. L. _endeavours to protest_.) Oh, but +I assure you I quite agree with you. For instance, my next-door +neighbours are always making the most awful noises--playing and singing +morning, noon, and night. The wall is very thin, and I am nearly driven +crazy. + +_Mr. L._ (_warmly_). My dear Madam, I can sympathise with you entirely. +I've often thought that Parliament ought to pass a Bill for enforcing +a close-time in domestic music. Of course it only matters to me in the +evening, but we're troubled exactly in the same way as yourself. And +my poor ETHEL finds her singing constantly interrupted by the +disgusting row made by our next-door neighbour. I suppose he must take +a pleasure in annoying us--anyhow he's jammed his wretched piano right +up against our drawing-room wall, and bangs and thumps on it for about +six hours a day. Of course it would be bad enough if the fellow played +well; but you never heard such ghastly noises as he makes! + +_Mrs. C._ How sorry I am for your poor daughter! Yes; people complain +in the papers and grumble about street-bands and piano-organs; but at +least one can send them away--which, unfortunately, one can't do in the +case of next-door neighbours! However, I suppose I ought to be grateful +that the people on the other side don't play at all. + +_Mr. L._ Ah! I live in a corner-house. But I think a little opposition +noise would almost be a relief--a kind of homeopathic cure, you know. + +_Mrs. C._ One's quite enough for _me_. It's been getting worse, too, +these last few weeks, and I'm delighted to meet a fellow-sufferer. +Come; can't we concoct some joint scheme of deliverance? Do +you think it would answer if I sent round a polite note--"Mrs. +CRUMPINGTON presents her compliments to Mr."--whatever their +name is--"and would be extremely obliged,"--and so on. How would that +do? + +_Mr. L._ (_decisively_). Wouldn't be the least use, I assure you, or +I'd have tried that plan myself long ago. The only result would be that +they'd make more row than ever, on purpose to score off you. No, I +fancy I've got a better plan than that. + +_Mrs. C._ (_eagerly_). Oh, do tell me what it is! + +_Mr. L._ Well, I happened to notice in a shop in Holborn the other day +one of these new American toys, it's a kind of small fog-horn, driven +by a pair of bellows. And the noise it makes is something terrific, I +assure you--loud enough to drown half-a-dozen pianos. So I've ordered +one of these, and as soon as ever that scoundrel strikes up next door, +I shall turn on the horn; then, directly he stops, I'll stop too, you +see. Rather a good idea, don't you think? + +_Mrs. C._ (_much amused_). It is, _indeed!_ If only the poor wretch +next door knew what was in store for him! Oh, if only I could silence +_my_ enemy in that way! But then, of course, I can't a blow a horn. + +_Mr. L._ That isn't necessary; all you have to do is to work the +bellows, and the thing goes by itself. Really, I strongly recommend you +to invest in one. + +_Mrs. C._ It would be a good plan, wouldn't it? Where did you say they +are to be had? + +_Mr. L._ I'll write down the address, if I can find a scrap of paper. + + [_Takes out a card-case from his pocket, pencils address on back of + visiting card, and hands it to_ Mrs. C. + +_Mrs. C._ Thank you _so_ much, I'll certainly think about getting one +(_looks absently at the other side of the card_) if they're not too +dear, and----(_Gasping._) Good gracious heavens! + +_Mr. L._ (_anxiously_). What's the matter? Are you ill? + +_Mrs. C._ (_pointing to the printed side of the card in her hand_). Is +this your real address? + +_Mr. L._ (_much astonished_). "No. 1, Yarborough Gardens?" Yes, +certainly it is. Why do you ask? + +_Mrs. C._ (_faintly_). Because--because _I_ live next door at No. 3!! + + [_Tableau! Curtain._ + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: WHAT THE NEW WOMAN WILL MAKE OF THE NEW MAN! + +"IF YOU WANT ME TO KEEP THE NEXT DANCE FOR YOU, YOU MUST WAIT UNDER +THIS DOOR. I CAN'T GO RUSHING ALL OVER THE ROOM TO _LOOK_ FOR YOU, YOU +KNOW!"] + + * * * * * + +THE OLLENDORF GUIDE TO KNOWLEDGE. + +THE CARETAKER. + +Is it time to leave town? Yes, it is time to leave town, because the +good neighbours have put up their shutters (_i.e._, the shutters of the +good neighbours). Do all the good neighbours put up their shutters? +Yes, all put up their shutters, but one of them stays in town at +the back of the house. Why does one of the good neighbours stay in +town at the back of the house? To escape the expense of leaving town +incurred by the other good neighbours who have put up their shutters. +Is that expense a great one? Yes, a very great one. Have they any +other drawbacks? Yes, they have the annoyances of a caretaker. What +are the annoyances of a caretaker? The annoyances of a caretaker are +her husband, her children, her cat, her dog, her mother, and all +her relations. When a caretaker enters the house of one of the good +neighbours, is she accompanied by her annoyances? Yes, the caretaker is +accompanied by her annoyances. Does the caretaker lead a happy life in +the house of one of the good neighbours? Yes, she leads a happy life, +and so do her husband, her children, her cat, her dog, her mother, and +all her relations. What do the relations of the caretaker do in the +house of one of the good neighbours? They smoke in the drawing-room in +the house of one of the good neighbours. If anyone calls to see the +good neighbour, what does the caretaker do? The caretaker generally +refuses to attend to the bell. Should the caretaker attend to the +bell, what does she do? She tells the caller who wishes to see the +good neighbour that she knows nothing of the master of the house's +movements (_i.e._, the movements of the master of the house). Does the +caller then retire under the impression that the house has been sold +up, and that the good neighbour has entered the Court of Bankruptcy +(_i.e._, the Bankruptcy Court)? The caller does leave the house under +that impression. While this impression is being created in London, +is the good neighbour unconsciously attempting to enjoy himself in +Switzerland? Yes, the good neighbour is undoubtedly attempting to +enjoy himself in Switzerland, in spite of the cookery, the lack of +accommodation, the expense, and the weather. If the good neighbour +ceased to be unconscious, and became aware of the damage that was being +done to his credit by the caretaker, what would that good neighbour do? +The good neighbour would probably swear. Then would the good language +of the good neighbour change in its character? Yes; for it would +become the bad language of the bad neighbour. Would the bad language +of the bad neighbour have any immediate effect upon the caretaker, +her husband, her children, her cat, her dog, her mother, and all her +relatives? No, for the bad language would be uttered in Switzerland, +and the caretaker, her husband, her children, her cat, her dog, her +mother, and all her relatives would be in London. Then what would the +caretaker, her husband, her children, her cat, her dog, her mother, and +all her relatives do in the house of one of the good neighbours during +the protracted absence of the good neighbour on the Continent? They +would continue to smoke in the drawing-room. + + * * * * * + +"HONOURS EASY." + +Mr. TRELOAR wrote to the _Times_ the other day _à propos_ +of Mr. WILLIAMSON'S peerage. Messrs. TRELOAR and +WILLIAMSON are in the same business, _i.e._ the linoleum +trade, and Mr. TRELOAR suggested that "_Lord LINOLEUM +would not be a bad title_." Quite agree with him. Let persons take +titles from some specialty of their trade or calling. Suppose peerages +granted to + + Chiropedist Marquis of CUTACORN. + Soda-water Manufacturer Lord SODA AND BANG. + Tailor Viscount VEST. + Butcher (_Irish title_) Baron O'BEEF. + Jeweller Duke of DIAMONDS. + Grocer Lord SUGAR AND SANDS. + Draper Earl of SUMMERGOODS AND WINTERSALES. + Ditto Lord REMNANTS OF UNDERWEAR. + Bootmaker (_with French polish_) Marquis DE SHOES ET AUTRES. + +Numerous variations will occur to readers. They can be forwarded to our +office as probably useful when the next "honours easy" are dealt out. + + * * * * * + +"OH, THE IRONY OF IT!"--Last week, whilst reports of Tory +successes in the boroughs daily reached London, the leading Liberal +paper, regardless of expense, had the walls covered with large placards +announcing that "the _Daily News_ has the best election intelligence." +"If this is the best," said Sir WILLIAM HARCOURT, observing +one of the placards on his way back from Derby, "I shouldn't like to +know the worst." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE SPILL! + + JACK AND JILL WENT UP THE HILL + TO FETCH A PAIL OF WATER, + JACK FELL DOWN AND BROKE HIS CROWN, + AND JILL CAME TUMBLING AFTER.] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +_The Variety Stage_, by CHARLES DOUGLAS STUART and A. J. +PARK (FISHER UNWIN), is a history of the Music-halls from the +earliest period to the present time. And a very interesting history it +is, admirably told withal. One comes upon names familiar in boyhood, +and is a little shocked to find that the Great VANCE was +really named ALFRED PECK STEVENS. The pages glow with pleasant +peeps of London at midnight, as _Pendennis_ saw it, and as, once at +least, it was looked upon by _Colonel Newcome_. It is sad to find how +many of the old favourites of the music-hall fall upon evil times, and +even die in the workhouse. SAM COLLINS was more fortunate. He +was sumptuously buried in Kensal Green, where a marble pedestal carries +his portrait and his epitaph. This last is notable as containing what, +as far as my Baronite knows, is the most audacious rhyme in the English +language. As it was admitted to consecrated ground, it may perhaps be +quoted here. "A loving husband," so it runs-- + + "A loving husband and a faithful friend, + Ever the first a helping hand to lend: + Farewell, good-natured, honest-hearted SAM, + Until we meet before the great I AM." + + _Pro_ BARON DE B.-W. + + * * * * * + +DIPLOMATIC INTELLIGENCE.--Mr. CHAUNCY DEPEW has +arrived. On business, of course. De-pew-ted by American Government. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: ON THE TRACK IN BATTERSEA PARK. + +"WHERE THERE'S A WHEEL THERE'S A WAY."] + + * * * * * + +THE LABOUR GALLIO. + + Bah! Politics are a bad joke. + To get up steam about 'em's silly. + The Tory pabulum is stale "toke," + The Liberal beverage sloppy "skilly." + _My_ business, whilst they storm and splutter, + Is to earn beer and bread-and-butter. + + * * * * * + +THURSDAY, JULY 18. FOR TWO KNIGHTS ONLY!--Sir HENRY +IRVING and _Sir John Falstaff_. Hitherto Windsor Shakspearianly +associated with Merry Wives and washtubbing (with "brown Windsor") of +Fat Knight. Henceforth memorable for Royal reception and dubbing (also +with the best Windsor) of Thin Knight. Reported that Sir HENRY +was invited to represent a Constituency! He _has_ represented two +single gentlemen rolled into one, such as _Corsican Brothers_, and +_Dubosc_ and _Lesurques_. But to represent a Constituency of some +thousands!! No rapid act of "quickest change" could effect it. _Vive_ +Sir HENRY! + + * * * * * + +"IN NUBIBUS."--WRIGHT, the convict and ex-solicitor +of the Liberator Building Society, said in the course of examination at +the London Bankruptcy Court that he was "formerly tenant of Cloughton +Castle in Ireland. That was only a small place, but it was customary in +Ireland to call almost everything a castle." Quite Wright. Home Rule is +now one of these _Châteaux d' Espagne_ in Ireland, and "to let." + + * * * * * + +THE GENERAL ELECTION. + + Oh pity an unhappy man + Reduced to desperate dejection! + There's nothing happening but an Election. + + Eternally it worries me, + Inducing cerebral affection, + This never-ending topic the Election. + + I don't love politics, or care + A pin for Liberal defection, + Or if the Tories gained in their Election. + + Unworthy citizen, perhaps + I need reproof and stern correction, + Indifferent to any chap's Election. + + Unless I flew beyond the sea, + I'm certain that in no direction + Could I escape at all from the Election. + + For no one writes, and no one speaks, + Of anything but in connection + With some loquacious man who seeks Election. + + I try my club; though men may come + And men may go, there's this objection + To all alike--they talk of some Election. + + I go to bed; no rest for me, + I'm roused by yells, with shrill inflection + Of "Extry midnight speshul, the Election!" + + The papers, taking any side, + Of any party, any section, + One sort of news alike provide--Election. + + I'll go to see my love, and kiss + Her pretty face, her sweet complexion, + At least she will not talk of this Election. + + * * * * * + +"YOU ARE MOST APT TO PLAY THE SIR." + +_Othello_, Act ii., Sc. i. + +Friday, July 19, 1895, memorable in annals of British stage as a day +set apart for one of the greatest triumphs of the Drama. Sir HENRY +IRVING, fresh from the honours of Royal Windsor, received a +further distinction at the hands and hearts of his "brothers and +sisters" in that profession for which he has done so much. Squire +BANCROFT was the eloquent spokesman for the enthusiastic +audience of comedians and tragedians which filled the Lyceum; yet +before and behind the footlights there was not a suggestion of +histrionics. Unlike, too, the great unpaying, who have the dulness of +their _order_, the guests of Friday were remarkable for the tremendous +energy of their goodwill. If this theatre had not long been seasoned +to the sounds of vociferous cheering, the demonstration might "have +brought down the house" literally. _Mr. Punch_ takes this opportunity +of joining in the demonstration, and drinks to Sir HENRY +IRVING. May the Knight of the cheerful countenance prosper +according to his deserts. And, if that wish is realised, the lessee of +the Lyceum will be one of the happiest men on record. + + * * * * * + +STAMBULOFF. + + Grim mockery of fate! The assassin's knife + Once more hath power upon a patriot's life. + One steel-armed miscreant, with one felon blow, + May lay the moulder of a nation low. + Masterful man and fiery patriot, still + Is that strong heart, relaxed that iron will. + Yet there's more honour for the brave at rest, + After vain struggle and abortive quest, + Than for the ungrateful herd who dare not rise + To the full height of perilous destinies, + The Northern Bear his distant quarry nosing, + Or the Coburger in gay Carlsbad glosing. + + * * * * * + +R. PEEL FROM MR. G.--Mr. GLADSTONE, writing to Sir +ROBERT PEEL, who had been addressing the Fazeley branch Lodge +of Oddfellows, said, "_In our small community we have four separate +lodges, and I have associated myself with them all._" Mr. G. may now +adopt as his signature, not the initials "G. O. M.," but the new one of +"O. F. O.," or "Odd Fellow Out." No doubt, with his love of retirement +and study, the Grand Old Odd-Fellow often says, sighingly, to himself, +"O for a Lodge in some great Wilderness!" + + * * * * * + +To Dr. W. G. Grace on his 47th Birthday. + + Many happy returns of the day! + Old Time on his record should nick it, + Long, long may he umpire your play. + Here's wishing you luck at the wicket, + Long life,--for one "century," say,-- + And a hundred more of 'em at Cricket! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: BLASÉ. + +"WELL, PAPA, HOW DID YOU ENJOY THE PLAY TO-NIGHT?" + +"OH, I THINK I ENJOYED IT FAIRLY WELL, MY DEAR. I'VE GOT A GENERAL +SORT OF IDEA THAT I DIDN'T GO TO SLEEP OVER IT!"] + + * * * * * + +HOW THE TOPERS CAME DOWN TO THE POLLS. + +(_A Song for the Drouthy, someway after Southey._) + +_How did the Topers come down to the Polls?_ + + Here they came shouting, + And there they came flouting, + Teetotalers scouting, and HARCOURT mis-doubting, + With banners, and big bills, and trumpets and song. + With pint-pots and flagons, + In drags, brakes and wagons, + As valiant as lions, as fiery as dragons, + They hastened along united and strong! + 'Midst braying of brass and 'midst clouds of tobacco, + With jubiliant shouts for "The Union Jack, O!" + With jovial manners, and patriot banners, + 'Midst bung-lauding boasters, with big scarlet posters, + In Sunday-best garments superbly arrayed; + 'Midst shoutings from "cadgers," with scarves and with badges, + With rubicund faces, limp collars, loose braces, + With dry-as-dust throttles, and handy case-bottles, + With blonde buxom Beauty to aid 'em in duty, + And bystanders funning, and little boys running, + And stentor-toned shouts for "The Cause" and "The Trade"!!! + All florid and torrid, + Damp shirts and moist forehead, + From near slum and far court, + With railings at HARCOURT, + And wit-aping WILFRID, and truculent CAINE. + With shouts for Sir MICHAEL, + By 'bus, and by cycle, + Afoot, and well-mounted, by tram and by train. + All glowing and blowing, + Red cards about throwing, + And rushing, and crushing, and flushing, + And laughing, and chaffing, and quaffing; + And jeering, and sneering, and "beering," + And skipping, and tripping, and "nipping," + And hasting, and pasting, and tasting; + And hopping, and popping, and mopping, + Perspiring, and wiring. + But ever untiring. + And drinking, and chinking, and blinking, and winking, + And sometimes unthinking, but ever unshrinking, + And gladdening, and maddening, + And t'other side saddening, + Friends brightening, foes frightening, interiors tightening, + And warming, and forming, and storming; + And flattering, and clattering, and battering, and shattering; + Arising, surprising, all foes pulverising, + And giving them "toko" on temperance "boko." + And flashing, and dashing, and crashing, and smashing, and hashing, + And propping, and stopping, and copping, and lopping, and topping, and + whopping; + And backing, and tracking, and blacking, and hacking, and smacking, and + whacking, + And "giving 'em beans." + (You know what _that_ means!) + And shouting, "We vote all against Cant Teetotal! + We'll beat up each _Bardolph_, and _Pistol_, and _Peto_, + To give its quietus to villainous Veto. + And kick out the duffers The Trade who would queer + And rob (big caps., please!) THE POOR MAN OF HIS BEER!!! + Out, out on the foes of our Freedom--and Liquor! + They'll follow their Leader--the sooner the quicker! + The Lords they may floor, and the Church may assault, + But they've met with their match in the Champions of Malt! + All together, brave souls! + See, our phalanx on-rolls!!!" + + And _that_'s how the Topers came down to the Polls! + + * * * * * + +MAINTAINING THE UNION.--The _Sheffield Daily Telegraph_, in +referring to the success of Mr. G. H. ALLSOPP at Worcester, +just prior to that eminent Unionist taking unto himself a wife, +suggests that the newly-elected M.P. should follow the precedent set +by Mr. GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN in 1892, and give to each of his +bridesmaids a brooch with the amount of his majority engraved upon it. +This is all very well in its way. But the total at Tunbridge was 933, +while that of Worcester extended to four figures. So to give room for +labelling, the brooch should be changed to a bracelet. A man bearing +the honoured name of ALLSOPP should be appropriately equal to +the XX's. + + * * * * * + +A QUESTION TO OUTSIDERS.--"Won't you come round?" was the +invitation (as reported in the _Daily Graphic_) given by Sir HENRY +IRVING (after his speech on Friday afternoon) to his "friends in +front." But it is a question addressed to many outside the theatre and +the theatrical profession; to all sorts and conditions of men and women +who still regard the stage askance, and who look upon the ultimate +fate of theatre-goers and actors as a melancholy certainty. To these +persons, whether a minority or a majority,--in either case a "narrow" +one,--Sir HENRY'S kindly invitation is publicly addressed, and +it is "Won't you come round?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A SUNDAY DINNER. + +_Father of Family_ (_who has accidentally shot the leg of a Fowl under +the table_). "MIND T'DOG DOESN'T GET IT!" + +_Young Hopeful_ (_triumphantly_). "ALL RIGHT, FEYTHER! I'VE GOTTEN +ME FOOT ON IT!"] + + * * * * * + +ROUNDABOUT READINGS. + +To the philosophical mind of a Roundabout Reader the General Election +ought to offer many points of interest, not because he is a politician, +but because, in the interest of his reading, he has to occupy a +position of detachment, and therefore perhaps sees more of the humours +and absurdities which crowd the animated scene. Yet here, for instance, +am I, a diligent turner over of every possible kind of newspaper, +metropolitan and provincial, and all that I have carried away from my +careful investigations is a confused sense that if electors on either +side only "stand shoulder to shoulder," "leave no stone unturned," +and "work as one man from now till the polling-day," why each tide is +positively certain that "another nail will be driven into the coffin" +of the other side, that "a resounding blow will be struck for the +good cause," and that "the banner under which we have secured many a +brilliant victory will once more float triumphantly in the breeze." As +for the "moral victories" gained, they are almost overwhelming both in +number and in result. + + * * * * * + +Indeed, there is nothing so dangerously attractive to speaker and to +audience as a fine old crusted political tag. Policies and programmes +are as dust in the balance. As you listen to a speaker and watch his +hearers, you may see a smile of perfect confidence and satisfaction +spreading over the faces of the latter while the former winds himself +up to the well-known, fondly-loved, and long-expected tag, which is the +inevitable conclusion of the fiery oratorical period. "That," they say +to themselves, "is the man for us. He says exactly what we should have +said in the only appropriate words." Result--_Loud and enthusiastic +cheers, amidst which_ Mr. PLATTIT-EWD _resumed his seat, +having spoken for three-quarters of an hour._ + + * * * * * + +And the old familiar funny stories, the humorous allusions, the +sparkling gibes, have they not been trotted out from Land's End to +John o' Groat's House? Welcome have you been, oh ye kittens, born +blind as Liberal (or Conservative) kittens, and converted, through the +opening of your eyes, into Conservative (or Liberal) kittens; welcome +also, ye hounds, who have devoured all your labels, and know not your +destination. Many a time have I hunted with your sporting pack, and +seen my friends ride gallantly at your tails. Also there is a wolf, and +there is a lamb; and there was once a Sibyl who dealt in books, and +there is an Italian who, having performed the most coruscating solos on +the barrel-organ, failed miserably when asked to oblige upon the piano. +All these have played their parts nobly. Not for long do I bid them +farewell. They will return, I know they will, with the first mutterings +of the next election. + + * * * * * + + Pray consider my verse, which, if learnt by heart pat, forms + The best of all tips for political platforms. + With a slight dash of MILL you may burden your speeches, + You may tell the great tale of O'BRIEN, his breeches. + On the one side you'll tear WILLIAM HARCOURT to tatters; + He's out for a time, but I don't think it matters. + Then, in talking of JOE, what will help very much is + A delicate hint at a Duke or a Duchess; + A suggestion that coats are the garments, if any, + That mustn't be turned when their colours are many: + And that programmes (you'll pause ere you flatly refuse 'em) + Are Brummagem goods, which will break when you use 'em. + Then, whether your hearers be Whig or be Tory, + By the scruff of its neck you must drag in a story. + Adjure them, my friend, lest their zeal should grow colder, + To fight for the Cause, standing shoulder to shoulder. + And, whether you battle for that chief or this chief, + Inform them that stones, if unturned, are the mischief. + And, last but not least, no opponent will quarrel, + When all that you claim is a win _plus_ a moral. + + * * * * * + +As an example of how political conflicts ought to be carried on take +the case of West Fife. While Mr. AUGUSTINE BIRRELL, the +Radical Candidate, was speaking in Thornton School, "the door of +the room was opened, and Mr. WEMYSS, the Liberal Unionist +candidate for the constituency, asked 'May I come in,' to which Mr. +BIRRELL replied 'Yes, certainly.' Mr. WEMYSS, who +was followed by a large number of supporters, then entered the hall, +and took a seat on one of the front benches, which he occupied until +the close of the address, when he was greeted with loud calls for +a speech. In response to the call, he remarked that he had already +made eight or nine speeches that day, and must be excused from making +another. He had, however, enjoyed Mr. BIRRELL'S speech very +much. It was not for him to criticise it at that meeting, but he might +only say that he felt sure the electors of West Fife would vote for +whom they considered the best man and the man they believed would do +his duty. He then called for three hearty cheers for his opponent, +Mr. BIRRELL. Votes of confidence were then put for both +candidates, when that in favour of Mr. BIRRELL was declared +carried. The opposing candidates then shook hands, and departed +evidently the best of friends." + + * * * * * + +A totally different picture comes to us from Aston Manor, as I judge +from the following letter in the BIRMINGHAM DAILY GAZETTE. + +WHAT HAS BECOME OF IKE WARD? + +_To the Editor of the Daily Gazette._ + + SIR,--My attention has been drawn to an attack made by + Captain GRICE-HUTCHINSON on a very respectable member of the + National Society of Amalgamated Brassworkers, Mr. IKE WARD. + In your yesterday's issue Captain GRICE-HUTCHINSON is + reported to have said: "The last authentic account he had of Mr. + IKE WARD was that he was 'bones' in some nigger troupe on + the sands of Scarborough." Mr. WARD has been for some time + engaged as an organiser, and is a member of the Executive of the + Railway Workers' Union, has never been in a nigger troupe on the sands + of Scarborough or anywhere else. + + As the statement is calculated to damage the reputation of my friend + Mr. WARD, I am sure that the candidate for Aston will at + once either give his authority for the damaging statement or withdraw + the aspersions on the character of a respected labour leader.--Yours + faithfully, + + W. J. DAVIS. + + _70, Lionel Street, Birmingham, July 13._ + + * * * * * + +But after all, even if Mr. IKE WARD had chosen to employ +his leisure in performing on the bones in a nigger troupe on the +sands at Scarborough or elsewhere he would have done nothing to be +ashamed of. Obviously, however, Captain GRICE-HUTCHINSON'S +account was anything but authentic, and he had no business to cork Mr. +WARD'S face in so gratuitous a manner. + + 'Tis a manifest error, this tale about bones-- + (You may like what I say, or, if not, you may lump it). + For a worker in brass must produce the best tones + If--I don't say he did it--he blew his own trumpet. + + * * * * * + +In any record of electoral humour Mr. MUNTZ, the member for +Tamworth, must hold a distinguished place. Here is a report of some of +the remarks made by him at meetings in the Nuneaton Division:-- + + Mr. MUNTZ, in the course of his remarks, characterised Lord + SALISBURY'S Government as the most able Administration + that had ever held office in any Parliament the world over. It was + composed of all the great intellect which, prior to the introduction + of the Home Rule Bill, was divided between the two great parties + of the State. Now all that was left to the Liberal party was the + tagrag and bobtail. The late Radical Administration was a failure + under Mr. GLADSTONE, great man as he was, and a still + greater failure under Lord ROSEBERY, to whom Her Majesty + had presented the Thistle. (_Laughter._) As to agriculture, he said + that he had a conversation with Mr. CHAMBERLAIN on the + subject just before the dissolution. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN said + to him, "MUNTZ, what are we to do for agriculture?" and + he replied, "That's a big question. You have all the great talent + and all the great landed interest in the country represented in the + present Government; and if the present Government can do nothing + for agriculture, there is nothing to be done for agriculture." + (_Applause._) + +After reading this I feel that the question of agricultural distress +is settled. Mr. CHAMBERLAIN must, indeed, be a proud man at +having obtained so much valuable information in answer to a question +which, as reported, sounds familiar almost to the verge of rashness. + + * * * * * + +Can pigs be kept at a profit? This was the question which confronted +the Devonport Guardians only the other day. The following extract from +their proceedings will be read with breathless interest:-- + + Mr. H. W. BRYANT moved "That the Guardians give up pig + keeping, either at the house or otherwise." + + Mr. HEALY seconded.--Mr. OLIVER supported, and said + they could buy the pork cheaper than keep pigs, and that every pig + they had kept cost them 1_s._ per lb. + + Mr. J. GOODMAN said he was a "piggery man." (_Laughter._) He + liked the pig, he liked the pork, and he liked the profit that the pig + brought. He was surprised to hear Mr. OLIVER say that the + pigs cost 1_s._ per lb. He said it did not cost them 2-1/2_d._ per lb. + + Mr. CHEW pointed out that the profit on pig keeping last year + in the house was £39. + + Mr. PENBERTHY said the master entered in his books that it + cost them 6_d._ per lb., and Mr. J. MOORE maintained that + they could buy pork at 4-1/2_d._ per lb. The motion was lost, 8 voting + for, and 18 against. + + "I'm a piggery man," said GOODMAN, J., "though pigs are a wee bit + squealy; + But I won't sit still to hear pigs denounced by BRYANT and scorned by + HEALY. + Let those who prefer it till the fields, and see what a year's hard + dig brings; + _I_ like the pig, and I like the pork, and I like the profit the pig + brings." + Then CHEW, he chawed Mr. BRYANT up, Mr. HEALY to dust he ground, Sir; + And MOORE maintained you could purchase pork at fourpence halfpenny a + pound, Sir. + But the piggery men prevailed by ten, a majority quite on the big side, + Since eighteen voted for pigs that day, and eight on the anti-pig side. + + * * * * * + +BROWN AND ME. + +Me and BROWN has bin a having a lot of differences of opinion +all about the County Counsellers, which sumhows we carnt get to agree +together about em, not by no manner of means. And now, quite lately, we +has been a having a lot of quarrells about the members of Parlement in +the Citty, and all round about it, and, fortunetly, me and my frends +has wun nearly ewery place where there has bin any think like a jolly +good fight, and has now wun nearly the hole blooming lot on em! So that +the poor County Counsellors has hardly got a single member of Parlement +left among the whole blooming lot, and is obliged to have long rambling +speeches among theirselves jest to fill up their idle time. How they +can manage to keep things agoing jest while they makes their old long +speeches, I carnt for the life of me make out; but I am told that they +all agrees that its the only means they has of keeping up their old +Charter; and altho it isnt werry much to brag about, they all agrees +its sumthink better than nothink. + +[Illustration] + +Lots of the poor chaps who has been acustomed to go about different +parts of London a braggin about the werry great figgers they cuts, or +was used to cut, afore the new changes as took place in making amost +everybody members of Parlement, is now obleeged to do their werry best +to keep things a going cumfertably, if possibel; but its but poor work +for em, and but a werry poor change for things as was afore they was as +they is. + +Why, I'm litterelly told as how there is now lots of Gents as was +once Members of Parlement who aint now members for nothink! that it +to say, not for nothink as is worth having. Why, I'm ewen told as the +County Counsellers, as belongs to the Tems Conserwency, is now so ardly +treated, that they werry offen carnt get enuff to do to keep their time +well employed, or to get enuff monney to pay them their werry modderate +wages; so eny boddy can werry easily emadgin what poor work it must now +be for poor fellers as was once Members of Parlement, and now aint not +members of not nothink! + +Sum of the old members tells me as they doesnot despair ewen yet! for +they are quite sure as how as numbers of the grand old Tories will +stick to em as long as theres any left; but I thinks as I knows a trick +worth too of that, and that is, to make the best of the things as is, +and hope the best for all the changes as time and hoppertoonity will +aford em of putting a few things together as their long xperience has +tort em is easily turned to good account. + + ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +ENTERTAINERS ENTERTAINED.--The DALY Co., headed by Mr. AUGUSTIN DALY +and Miss ADA REHAN, were lunch'd by the LORD MAYOR, July 16, at the +Munching House. LORD MAYOR paid sincere tribute to the American +Company, and AUGUSTIN DALY heartily thanked the City of London. The +U.S. Minister found a Link between the two countries in the great +Dramatic Light SHAKSPEARE. "And so say all of U.S." Manager DALY forgot +to mention, that, as he has to leave England in the autumn, he ought to +change the termination of his name to suit the term of his stay here, +and be "AUGUST-OUT DALY" instead of "AUGUST-IN." + + * * * * * + +MRS. R. wants to know if "The Hardwicke Society" has anything +to do with the improvement of candles and candle-lamps? + + * * * * * + +ANOTHER HONOUR FOR DR. GRACE!--The eminent batsman is to be +invited to the next "_Court Ball_." + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +109, July 27, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44690 *** |