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diff --git a/old/44706.txt b/old/44706.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..247c8c9 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44706.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1715 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, +April 13, 1895, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, April 13, 1895 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: January 19, 2014 [EBook #44706] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 13, 1895 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +Volume 108, APRIL 13, 1895 + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +[Illustration: "I'LL SING THEE SONGS OF ARABY!"] + + * * * * * + +IN PRAISE OF THE TRIANGLE. + +[Illustration: In Praise of Try Angle.] + + Ye countless stars, both great and small, + The poetic sky who spangle, + Not one of you, that I recall, + Has hymned the sweet triangle! + + With lyre and lute too long, too much, + Ye've thrid love's mazy tangle, + Yet unresponsive to your touch + Have left the sweet triangle. + + And so the Muse commissions me + A lay to newly fangle-- + I play the instrument, you see-- + In praise of my triangle. + + No tambourine, no minstrel bones + Give forth what HILDA WANGEL + Would call such "frightfully thrilling" tones + As those of my triangle. + + No self-respecting band may try + To play--'twould simply mangle-- + Good music, unassisted by + The silver-tongued triangle. + + In vain does STREPHON with a lute + Round PHYLLIS always dangle; + She'd have him, if he urged his suit + With passionate triangle. + + Full brave may bray the loud trombone, + Full sweet the cymbals jangle, + The bagpipes till they burst may drone, + So I have my triangle. + + The stately cold piano may + All depth of feeling strangle; + To rouse deep feeling I essay, + Nor fail, on my triangle! + + O'er rival claims of violin + And 'cello some may wrangle-- + For pure expression nothing's in + The hunt with my triangle. + + The diamond bracelet must exceed + In worth the silver bangle-- + No instrument, string, wind, or reed, + Compares with my triangle! + + * * * * * + +TO THE GRIFFIN. + +(_By Calverlerius Rusticanus._) + +[Illustration] + + GRIFFIN, who benignly beamest + (So to speak) upon the Strand, + To the rustic eye thou seemest + Quite superlatively grand. + + Griffin, grim and grimy Griffin, + Few, JOE tells me, will agree + With my artless numbers, if in + Undiluted praise of thee. + + Critics, so he says, by dozens + Swear thou couldst not well be worse, + Yet from one poor country cousin's + Pen accept a tribute verse. + + Some of London's statues now are + Feted richly once a year; + Some--it seems a shame, I vow--are + Fated to oblivion there. + + Once a year a primrose bower + Draws the folks around for miles, + DIZZY blossoms into flower, + Almost into "wreathed smiles." + + Once a year by all the town o'er- + -whelmed in bays is GORDON seen, + Countless wreaths recording "BROWN (or + JONES) thus keeps thy memory green." + + Once a year King CHARLES'S statue + Paragraphs jocose invites, + Wreathed with flowers by infatu- + -ated modern Jacobites. + + Thus their substance people waste on + This queer decorative fit-- + Wreaths are sometimes even placed on + Mere nonentities like PITT. + + But--I cannot think what JOE meant--! + No one--so he said to me-- + In his most expansive moment + E'er has twined a wreath for thee! + + So I cast--in no derision-- + From my 'bus-top garden-seat + These few violets, with precision, + At what I must call thy feet. + + 'Tis not that thy mien is stately, + 'Tis not that thy grace is rare, + 'Tis not that I care so greatly + For thy quaint heraldic air; + + But contemptuous men neglect thee, + Load thee with invective strange, + So with violets I have decked thee, + And with verses, as a change. + + * * * * * + +THE NEW DISCOVERY.--"Argon" is described as "a gaseous constituent." +In most constituencies can be found plenty of "Argons." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF; OR, THE MODERN ORACLE OF AMMON. + +"The people (the Libyans) deeming themselves not Egyptians, and being +discontented with the institutions, sent to the Oracle of Ammon, +saying that they had no relation to the Egyptians. The god, +however, said, 'that all the country which the Nile irrigated was +Egypt.'"--_Herodotus_, II., 15. B.C. 452. + +"I stated that, in consequence of these claims of ours and the claims +of Egypt in the Nile Valley, the British sphere of influence covered +the whole of the Nile waterway."--_Sir E. Grey in House of Commons_, +A.D. 1895. + +_John Bull._ "YOU SEE, NILUS, THE FATHER OF HISTORY AND I ARE OF THE +SAME WAY OF THINKING. SO YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, MY BOY, WHILE I'M HERE!"] + + * * * * * + +HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF; + +_Or, The Modern Oracle of Ammon_. + + _Nilus_ (_referring to Parisian Press_). + But--won't it make our French friends furious? + + _Mr. Bull._ Gammon! + + _Nilus._ Are you, then, the new Oracle of Ammon? + + _Mr. Bull._ Well, ALEXANDER claimed the god his sire. + So why not I? + + _Nilus._ I own I rather tire + Of all these squabbles. Peace is what I want. + Oh why did your intrusive SPEKE and GRANT* + Disturb my forty centuries of quiet? + Since then it's been all rumpus, and red riot. + + _Mr. Bull._ How about RAMESES, old cockalorum? + + _Nilus._ Oh! better all the Pharoahs in full quorum + Than Condominiums. The Control called Dual---- + + _Mr. Bull._ Oh, don't you bother! _That_ has got its gruel. + + _Nilus._ But these Exploring Expeditions? + + _Mr. Bull._ Bogey! + Young GREY should reassure you, my old fogey. + His words don't speak scuttle or shilly-shally + "My 'sphere of influence' covers the Nile Valley." + Isn't that plain enough? God Ammon's nod + Was hardly more decisive. It is odd + How very like the Oracle's straight tip + Was to Sir EDWARD'S. A stiff upper lip + Saves lots of talk. "Explorers" will prove skittish + But the whole Nile's Egyptian (and thus British). + Just as HERODOTUS tells us Ammon said. + Sir EDWARD, my dear Nile, has an old head + Upon young shoulders; courteous as a GRANVILLE, + He comes down like a hammer on an anvil-- + Or Ammon on the Libyans--when 'tis needful. + Of rumoured expeditions he is heedful + But not afraid. Effective occupation? + Why that's a ticklish point--for many a nation. + But why define it? EDWARD has a shorter way; + He claims for me the whole of your long waterway, + And plainly says intrusion would be viewed + As--well, "unfriendly." Should the FRANK intrude---- + + _Nilus._ Ah! by the way, friend JOHN, whose head is yonder + Protruding through the reeds? + + _Mr. Bull_ (_loudly_). Humph! Let him ponder + What he, perchance, has overheard. No mystery! + I simply hold with the great Sire of History. + The _Times_ and old HERODOTUS quite agree. + And both speak for the Oracle--J. B., + Or Jupiter Ammon. The _Debats_ may differ + (At the French Press, at best, _I_ am no sniffer), + But don't you be alarmed by spleenful splutter, + Or what mere bouncing boulevardiers utter. + From all intruders you'll be safe, if you + But trust to the Old Oracle--and the New! + Far cry, old boy, from PHAROAH to the GUELPH. + Funny how History _does_ repeat itself! + +* See Cartoon "Britannia Discovering the Source of the Nile," p. 233, +Vol. XLIV., June 6, 1863. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A STUDY IN "BIMETALLISM." + +_Quotation from the Right Hon. Arth-r B-lf-r's Speech on this subject +last week._--"A GENERAL FALL IN PRICES WAS SAID TO BE GOOD FOR THE +CONSUMER." + +Does it look like it in this instance? [*** _So far_ the Court is with +Mr. A. B-LF-R.]] + + * * * * * + +To Corinna, angry. + + The fault was mine. With piercing pang + My trespass I deplore; + But, when 'tis I you ought to bang, + Why do you bang the door? + + * * * * * + +Q. E. D.--There is said to be a good deal of illness and absence from +lessons of the schoolboy population of London at present. Can there be +any connection between this phenomenon and a paragraph which is going +the round of the papers, headed, "An objection to Euclid"? What is +sport to us may be death to them! + + * * * * * + +The Long and Short of It. + + _Ars longa est!_ All know what once that meant; + But cranks corrupt so sickeningly have shindied + About _their_ ART of late, 'tis evident + The rendering now must be, "Art is long-winded!" + For _Vita brevis_,--all true men must hope, + Brief life for such base Art--and a short rope! + + * * * * * + +MOTTO--SLIGHTLY MODIFIED FROM GRAY'S "ELEGY"--FOR STODDART'S +ELEVEN.--"Still in those 'ashes' live their wonted fire." + + * * * * * + +SATURDAY NIGHT IN THE EDGWARE ROAD. + + _For over half a mile the pavement on the East side of the + road is thronged with promenaders, and the curbstone lined + with stalls and barrows, and hawkers of various wares. + Marketing housewives with covered baskets oscillate + undecidedly from stalls to shops, and put off purchasing to + the last possible moment. Maids-of-all-work perambulate arm + in arm, exchanging airy badinage with youths of their + acquaintance, though the latter seem to prefer the society + of their own sex. A man with a switchback skittle-board plays + gloomy games by himself to an unspeculative group of small + boys. The tradesmen stand outside their shops and conduct + their business with a happy blend of the methods of a + travelling showman and a clown._ + +_Burlesque Butcher._ Now then all o' _you_ there! Buy, buy, buy! Jest +give yer minds to spendin' yer money! (_In a tone of artless wonder._) +Where _does_ the Butcher git this _luverly_ meat? What can I do fur +_you_ now, Marm? (_Triumphantly, after selling the scrag-end of a neck +of mutton._) _Now_ we're busy! + +_Farcical Fishmonger_ (_with two Comic Assistants_). Ahar! (_To +crowd._) Come 'ere, you silly young snorkers! I've the quali_tee!_ +I've the quali_tay!_ _Keep_ takin' money! + +_First Comic Assistant._ Ahye! Foppence a pound nice plaice! Kippers +two fur three 'apence. _We_'re the Perfeshnal Curers! What are yer all +goin' to _do?_ Sort 'em out cheap! + +_Second C. A._ I don't mind. What care I? (_Bursting into song._) +"'Ow, she rowled me 'ed, and rumbled in the 'ay!" On me word, she did, +ladies! + + [_He executes a double shuffle, and knocks over several boxes + of bloaters in the gaiety of his heart._ + +_A Hawker of Penny Memorandum Books_ (_to an audience of small boys_). +Those among you 'oo are not mechanics, decidedly you 'ave mechanical +_hideers!_ + + [_He enlarges upon the convenience of having a note-book + in which to jot down any inspirations of this kind; but his + hearers do not appear to agree with him._ + +_A Lugubrious Vendor._ One penny for six comic pypers. Hevery one +different! + +_A Rude Boy._ You ain't bin _readin'_ o' any on 'em, 'ave yer, +guv'nor? + +[Illustration: 'You ain't bin a _readin'_ o' any on 'em, 'ave yer, +guv'nor?"] + +_A Crockery Merchant_ (_as he unpacks a variety of vases of appalling +hideousness_). _I_ don't care--it's self-sacrifice to give away! +Understand, you ain't buyin' _common_ things, you're buyin' suthin' +_good!_ It 'appens to be my buthday to-night, so I'm goin' to let you +people 'ave the benefit of the doubt. Come on 'ere. I don't ask you to +b'lieve _me_--ony to jedge fur yerselves. I'm not 'ere to tell you no +fairy tales; and the reason why I'm in a position to orfer up these +vawses--all richly gilt, and decorated in three colours, the most +expensive ever made--the reason I'm able to sell them so cheap as I'm +doin' is this--(_he lowers his voice mysteriously_)--arf the stuff I +'ave 'ere we git _in very funny ways!_ + + [_This ingeniously suggestive hint enhances the natural charm + of his ware to such a degree that the vases are bought up + briskly, as calculated to brighten the humblest home._ + +_A Sanctimonious Young Man_ (_with a tongue too large for his mouth, +who has just succeeded in collecting a circle round him_). I am only +'ere to-night, my friends, as a paid servant--for the purpose of +deciding a wager. Some o' you may have noticed an advertisement lately +in the _Daily Telegrawf_, asking for men to stand on Southwark Bridge +and orfer arf-suverings for a penny apiece. You are equally well aware +that it is illegal to orfer the Queen's coinage for money: and that is +_not_ my intention this evening. _But_ I 'ave 'ere several pieces +of gold, guaranteed to be of the exact weight of arf a suvering, and +'all-marked, which, in order to decide the wager I 'ave spoken of, I +shall now perceed to charge you the sum of one penny for, and no more. +I am not allowed to sell _more_ than one to each person---- + + [_Here a constable comes up, and the decision of the wager is + postponed until a more favourable opportunity._ + +_First "General"_ (_looking into a draper's window_). Look at them +coloured felt 'ats--all shades, and on'y sixpence three-fardens! + +_Second "G."_ They _are_ reasonable; but I've 'eard as felt 'ats is +gone out o' fashion now. + +_First "G."_ Don't you believe it, SARAH. Why, my married sister +bought one on'y last week! + +_Coster_ (_to an old lady who has repudiated a bunch of onions after +a prolonged scrutiny_). Frorsty? So would _you_ be if _your_ onion 'ad +bin layin' out in the fields all night as long as these 'ave! + +_First Itinerant Physician_ (_as he screws up fragments of candy in +pieces of newspaper_). That is Frog in your Froat what I'm doin' up +now. I arsk you to try it. It's given to me to give away, and I'm +goin' to _give_ it away--you understand?--that's all. And now I'm +goin' to tork to you about suthink else. You see this small bottle +what I 'old up. I tell you there's 'undreds layin' in bed at this +present moment as 'ud give a shillin' fur one of these--and I offer +it to you at one penny! It corrects all nerve-pains connected with +the 'ed, cures earache, toothache, neuralgy, noomonia, 'art-complaint, +fits, an' syhatica. Each bottle is charged with helectricity, forming +a complete galvanic-battery. Hall _you_ 'ave to do is to place the +bottle to one o' your nawstrils, first closing the other with your +finger. You will find it compels you to sniff. The moment you _tyke_ +that sniff, you'll find the worter comin' into your heyes--and that's +the helectricity. You'll say, "_I_ always 'eard helectricity was a +_fluid_." (_With withering scorn._) Very _likely!_ You _'ave!_ An' +_why?_ Be-cawse o' the hignirant notions prevailin' about scientific +affairs! Hevery one o' these bottles contains a battery, and to heach +purchaser I myke 'im a present--a _present_, mind yer--of Frog in 'is +Froat! + +_Susan Jane_ (_to_ LIZERANN, _before a stall where "Novelettes, +three a penny," are to be procured by the literary_). Shall we 'ave a +penn'orth, an' you go 'alves along o' me? + +_Lizerann._ Not _me_. I ain't got no time to go improvin' o' _my_ +mind, whatever _you_ 'ave! + +_A Vendor of "'Ore'ound Tablets"_ (_he is a voluble young man, with +considerable lung-power, and a tendency to regard his cough-lozenges +as not only physical but moral specifics_). I'm on'y a young feller, +as you see, and yet 'ere I _am_, with my four burnin' lamps, and a +lassoo-soot as belonged to my Uncle BILL, doin' _wunnerful_ well. Why, +I've took over two pound in coppers a'ready! Mind you, I don't deceive +you; you may all on you do as well as me; on'y you'll 'ave to git two +good ref'rences fust, _and_ belong to a temp'rance society, like I do. +This is the badge as I've got on me at this minnit. I ain't always +bin like I am now. I started business four year ago, and was doin' +wunnerful well, too, till I got among 'orse-copers an' dealers and +went on the booze, and lost the lot. Then I turned up the drink and +got a berth sellin' these 'ere Wangoo Tablets--and now I've got a neat +little missus, and a nice 'ome, goin' on wunnerful comfortable. Never +a week passes but what I buy myself something. Last week it was a pair +o' noo socks. Soon as the sun peeps out and the doo dries up, I'm orf +to Yarmouth. And what's the reason? I've _enjoyed_ myself there. My +Uncle BILL, as lives at Lowestoft, and keeps six fine 'orses and +a light waggon, _he_'s doin' wunnerful well, and he'd take me into +partnership to-morrow, he would. But no--I'm 'appier as I am. What's +the reason I kin go on torkin' to you like this night after night, +without injury to my voice? Shall I tell yer? Because, every night +o' my life, afore I go to bed, I take four o' these Wangoo +Tablets--compounded o' the purest 'erbs. You take them to the nearest +doctor's and arsk 'im to analyse an' test them as he _will_, and you +'ear what _he_ says of them! Take one o' them tablets--after your +pipe; after your cigaw; after your cigarette. You won't want no more +drink, you'll find they make you come 'ome reglar every evening, and +be able to buy a noo 'at every week. You've ony to persevere for a bit +with these 'ere lawzengers to be like I am myself, doin' _wunnerful_ +well! You see this young feller 'ere? (_Indicating a sheepish head in +a pot-hat which is visible over the back of his stall._) Born and bred +in Kenada, _'e_ was. And quite _right!_ Bin over 'ere six year, so o' +course 'e speaks the lengwidge. And _quite_ right. Now I'm no Amerikin +myself, but they're a wunnerful clever people, the Amerikins are, +allays inventin' or suthink o' that there. And you're at liberty to go +and arsk 'im for yourselves whether this is a real Amerikin invention +or not--as he'll tell yer it _is_--and quite right, too! An' it stands +to reason as _he_ orter to know, seein' he interdooced it 'imself and +doin' wunnerful well with it ever since. I ain't come 'ere to _rob_ +yer. Lady come and give me a two-shillin' piece just now. I give it +her back. _She_ didn't know--thort it was a penny, till I told her. +Well, that just shows yer what these 'ere Wangoo 'Ore'ound Tablets +_are!_ + + [_After this practical illustration of their efficacy, he + pauses for oratorical effect, and a hard-worked-looking matron + purchases three packets, in the apparent hope that a similar + halo of the best horehound will shortly irradiate the head of + her household._ + +_Lizerann_ (_to_ SUSAN JANE, _as they walk homewards_). On'y +fancy--the other evenin', as I was walkin' along this very pavement, +a cab-'orse come up beyind me, unbeknown like, and put 'is 'ed over my +shoulder and breathed right in my ear! + +_Susan Jane_ (_awestruck_). You _must_ ha' bin a bad gell! + + [LIZERANN _is clearly disquieted by so mystical an + interpretation, even while she denies having done anything + deserving of a supernatural rebuke_. + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +[Illustration] + +GENERAL ADYE has added to our national war story _Recollections of a +Military Life_ (SMITH, ELDER & CO.). Sir JOHN has not been in a hurry. +He began fighting more than forty years ago, and has since filled up +opportunity as it presented itself. These particular recollections are +chiefly occupied with the Crimean War and the Indian Mutiny, though +the old soldier has something to say about the Afghan War of 1878-9, +and the Egyptian War of 1882. My Baronite finds most interesting the +chapters about the Crimean War, certain incidents and episodes of +which are narrated with soldierlike directness and simplicity. +The story of the Balaclava Charge has been told in verse and prose +innumerable times. General ADYE did not actually see it, "a ridge of +intervening hills intercepting the view" as he rode back to the camp +from Balaclava. But he manages in a sentence or two vividly to impress +the scene on the mind of the reader. Among many good stories is one +about General HARRY JONES. PELISSIER, with a Frenchman's scorn of +any language but his own, got as near as he could to ordinary +pronunciation when he called him "General HAIRY-JOZE." He did better +when the gallant General was knighted, and was alluded to respectfully +by the French Commander-in-Chief as "SAIREY-JOZE" (Sir HARRY JONES). + + THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. + + * * * * * + +A Quip. + +Mr. ARTHUR TOLLER has been appointed to the Recordership of Leicester. +He is an able man. "_Argal_," as the Shakspearian Clown would say, +"the appointment is just Toller-able." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MAGNIFYING HIS CALLING. + +_Peter._ "NA, LADDIE, THIS IS ANE O' THAE THINGS A BODY CAN NEVER +LEARN. THERE'S NO NAE USE IN A MAN TAKIN' TAE _THIS_ JOB UNLESS HE HAS +A NAITERAL BORN APTITUDE FOR 'D!"] + + * * * * * + +THREE MODES OF SPENDING A BANK HOLIDAY. + +(_By a Confirmed Pessimist._) + +_Plan the First._--Take to Volunteering. Be up at daybreak. Leave +your home after snatching a hasty breakfast of lukewarm tea and stale +bread-and-butter. Crowd into a railway-carriage, and travel a hundred +miles or so in the greatest discomfort. Fall in with your company. +March, counter-march, and stand at ease for ten hours or so in +sunshine, rain, fog, or snow. Stave off starvation with a packet of +sandwiches and a bottle of ginger ale. Dead beat, enter crowded train +a second time, and again travel a hundred miles or so in the greatest +discomfort. More dead than alive, stagger home, and wearily roll into +bed. + +_Plan the Second._--Try a trip to the sea-side. Share a first-class +compartment with a dozen third-class passengers. Travel to +Shrimpington with the accompaniment of rank tobacco-smoke, comic +songs, and solos on the concertina. Get to your destination with a +splitting headache. Find that all the shops are shut, and all +the taverns open. Learn that Shrimpington, as represented by its +respectable inhabitants, goes away _en masse_ on a bank holiday. +Discover that there is but one hotel in the place. Ascertain that at +the solitary hostelry the rooms are filled with noisy excursionists, +greedily devouring "the shilling tea." Search for nourishment, +and fail in your search. Fall back upon stale buns at a third-rate +sweet-stuff shop. Catch your train back, and endure the torture of the +morning. Travel amongst the same company, under the like conditions. +Reach home hours later than you proposed on starting, and consider +whether the holiday has been a triumphant success or a dismal failure. + +_Plan the Third_ (_highly recommended_).--Although desiring change, +remain at home, choosing the lesser of two evils. + + * * * * * + +MR. GULLY.--"WILLIAM COURT GULLY, M.P."--certainly "Caught GULLY" at +last. Now the question is, "WILL GULLY" be acceptable to all parties +"E-gully"? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: GENTLE IRONY. + +_'Bus Driver_ (_to ill-favoured Policeman, who has stopped him at a +crossing_). "WHEN ARE YER GOIN' TO LET ME 'AVE THAT PHOTO?"] + + * * * * * + +NOT DONE YET. + +A SONG OF ST. STEPHEN'S SCHOOL. + +(_To the Air of the Harrow Song, "Fairies."_) + + When in the Springtime cold and bleak, + In spite of wind and weather, + The Blues and Buffs, the strong and weak + Throng out of school together; + Off to their homes alert and gay + From long sederunts risen, + Majors and minors rush to play, + Live lags let loose from prison. + There you behold "Big BILL," the bold! + Hear how his heart rejoices-- + "Ho ho! ha ha! Tra-la-la-la!"-- + Booms his most bass of voices. + + He cocks a snook at slate and book. + He's had his work _this_ term, boys, + But has contrived, by hook or crook, + To keep his footing firm, boys. + He's had to fight, like DIBDIN'S tar, + 'Gainst many a would-be boarder. + It needed wit as well as war + To keep the school in order. + But he has shown both wit and grit, + And patience linked about it. + "Ho ho! ha ha! Tra-la-la-la!"-- + Young ARTY hears him shout it. + + ARTY had hoped he could have coped + With BILL, and licked him hollow; + That JACK had kicked, and SANDY moped, + And PAT refused to follow. + But BILL has proved a dodgy one, + As well as a hard hitter; + And that has somewhat marred the fun, + And disappointment's bitter. + What wonder then BILL'S Tra-la-la + Sets ARTY shouting shrilly, + "Boohoo and pah! Yah-boo-yah-bah! + You wait a bit, Big BILLY! + + "With spur and rein, whip-stroke and strain, + Jehu _plus_ artful jockey, + You've kept your team in tow again, + And you look blessed cocky. + Wait till the way shows sludge and clay, + And you the pace would quicken! + Over you'll roll long ere the goal, + And _then_ the fun will thicken!"-- + BILL cocks his chins, and skips and grins + Like any Jumping-Jingle. + His loud Ha, ha! Tra-la-la-la! + Sets ARTY'S blood a-tingle. + + "Bah! You've done fairly well this half: + Think you'll survive another + As the school's 'Cock,' you great fat calf? + Look out for my Big Brother! + When _he_ gets hold of you,--my eye!-- + You won't look quite so jolly. + Think you've licked me! Wait till you try + A round or two with SOLLY! + He's waiting for a turn at you! + _You_ think you're a smart smiter? + 'Tra-la-la-la'? Yah! bully! yah! + _He_'ll show you who's cock fighter!" + + * * * * * + +To Tara, My (Un-)Fair Neighbour. + +(_"Moore"--where this comes from._) + + "The harp that once through TARA'S walls" + Poor me disturbed in bed, + Is nightly twang'd to feline squalls + That wrack my aching head. + I sleep not as in former days, + Her voice cries "Sleep no more!" + Ah, would she hadn't got this craze, + And did not live next door! + + * * * * * + +A NEW LITERARY VENTURE.--In distinct opposition to the "Key-note +series" will be started a "Wed-lock-and-Key note series." + + * * * * * + +"PRIDE AND PREJUDICE." + + ["Canada, unlike the mother-country, has the sense to be proud + of its minor poets."--_Mr. Le Gallienne in "The Realm."_] + + Really this bitter and bold accusation of + Conduct so culpable cannot be borne; + Are we indeed but a barbarous nation of + Philistines treating our poets with scorn? + + Are we contemptuous, then, in reality, + Of the effusions our lyricists write-- + Singing sweet songs of the Modern Morality, + Praising each other from morning to night? + + Modesty, clearly, is somehow availing to + Burke them of glory which should be their own, + Modesty, morbid, excessive--a failing to + Which, it's notorious, poets are prone. + + Only, he tells us, in Canada's latitude + Honour to singers is duly allowed: + Nay, how can Britons be backward in gratitude, + Having LE GALLIENNE, are they not proud? + + Yes, when we Englishmen boast of our national + Glories and deeds, though the scoffers deride, + This is the greatest and really most rational + Source of supreme and legitimate pride-- + + Not in the struggles or deeds of iniquity + Wrought by our sires in desperate fray, + Still less in SHAKSPEARE, or bards of antiquity, + But in the poets amongst us to-day! + + Might we suggest, though, if, in the opinion of + Mr. LE GALLIENNE, England's to blame, + He and his comrades should seek the Dominion of + Canada, where they'll be certain of fame? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NOT DONE YET. + +MASTER ARTY B-LF-R (_to_ MASTER BILL H-RC-T). "HA! YOU'VE BEEN PRETTY +COCKY THIS HALF, BUT WAIT TILL 'MY BIG BROTHER' GETS HOLD OF YER!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SO VERY CONSIDERATE. + +_Stout Coster._ "WHERE ARE YER GOIN' TO, BILL?" + +_Bill._ "INTER THE COUNTRY FOR A NICE DRIVE, BEIN' BANK 'OLIDY." + +_Stout Coster._ "SAME 'ERE. I SY! DON'T YER THINK WE MIGHT SWOP +MISSESES JUST FOR A FEW HOURS? IT WOULD BE SO MUCH KINDER TO THE +HANIMILE!"] + + * * * * * + +CONCERNING A MISUSED TERM; + +_viz._, _"Art" as recently applied to a certain form of Literature_. + + Is this, then, "Art"--ineffable conceit, + Plus worship of the Sadi-tainted phrase, + Of pseud-Hellenic decadence, effete, + Unvirile, of debased Petronian ways? + + Is _this_ your "Culture," to asphyxiate + With upas-perfume sons of English race, + With manhood-blighting cant-of-art to prate, + The jargon of an epicene disgrace? + + Shall worse than pornographic stain degrade + The name of "Beauty," Heav'n-imparted dower? + Are _they_ fit devotees, who late displayed + The symbol of a vitriol-tinted flower? + + And shall the sweet and kindly Muse be shamed + By unsexed "Poetry" that defiles your page? + Has Art a mission that may not be named, + With "scarlet sins" to enervate the age? + + All honour to the rare and cleanly prints, + Which have not filled our homes from day to day + With garbage-epigrams and pois'nous hints + How aesthete-hierophants fair Art betray! + + If such be "Artists," then may Philistines + Arise, plain sturdy Britons as of yore, + And sweep them off and purge away the signs + That England e'er such noxious offspring bore! + + * * * * * + +THE CRY OF THE FREE LIBRARY FREQUENTER.--A Cheap Loaf. + + * * * * * + +"HOW TO CONTROL AND RECTIFY PUBLIC OPINION." + + ["It is impossible to bribe a French paper."--_Times, April 5, + 1895._] + + SCENE--_Sanctum of the_ Redacteur en chef _of "Le Gamin de + Paris."_ Redacteur _discovered reading latest issue_. + +_Redacteur._ Dear me, this note about the pacific intentions of the +GERMAN EMPEROR is most interesting! I wonder how it got in. I did not +notice it when I glanced through the pages. Still, I have the most +unlimited confidence in my staff. (_Quoting from his paper._) "There +is no doubt that we can safely disarm, as Germany is our friend--the +best of our friends." Dear me! Most interesting! + + [_Enter menial, ushering in mysterious stranger._ + +_Stranger._ I trust I am not intruding? + +_Redacteur._ Certainly not. It is the duty of an editor to be always +at the service of those who seek his advice. No doubt you desire my +opinion upon some matter of importance? + +_Stranger._ You have guessed rightly. Which do you prefer, a mansion +in town or a castle in the country? + +_Redacteur_ (_smiling_). Well, I am scarcely qualified to judge, for I +only possess a mansion in town. I have no castle in the country. + +_Stranger._ Pardon me. You have one now. + + [_Gives_ Editor _title-deeds_. + +_Redacteur_ (_glancing at the documents_). What, the Chateau de St. +Querecs! One of the finest places in Brittany! You are really too +amiable! + +_Stranger._ Not at all. And now tell me, do you prefer WAGNER to +VERDI, or MASCAGNI to MOZART? + +_Redacteur._ Again I am at a disadvantage. You see I go so seldom to +the Opera. The expense is---- + +_Stranger._ The expense is inconsiderable when you possess a _loge_ +on the grand tier. (_Giving paper._) Allow me to present you with a +perpetual box. + +_Redacteur._ Your courtesy is simply charming! But why do you +overwhelm me with these obligations? We are unknown to one another. + +_Stranger_ (_with a bow_). Not at all. You are famous. As for me--why +I am nothing. I am absolutely valueless. + +_Redacteur_ (_politely_). You do not do yourself justice. I will be +bound you are most valuable. + +_Stranger._ Well, perhaps you are right. At any rate I can fill in a +cheque--yes, and with four or five figures! I will show you. Permit +me. + + [_Approaches writing materials, and rapidly completes draft._ + +_Redacteur._ And for whom is that cheque? + +_Stranger._ Read the name to whose order it is made payable. + +_Redacteur_ (_surprised but admiring_). Mine! This is simply +marvellous. And are you clever enough to write a leader? + +_Stranger._ Assuredly. See I will compose one at once. (_Sits at +table, knocks off an article and hands it to_ Redacteur). What do you +think of it? + +_Redacteur_ (_smiling_). I will give you my opinion when I see it in +type. You will find it in the _Gamin_ to-morrow. Good day! + + [_Scene closes in upon a tableau suggesting at once delicacy + and the right understanding of commercial principles._ + + * * * * * + +HER LATEST.--"The silence was so great," said Mrs. R., "you could have +picked up a pin!" + + * * * * * + +MINOR POETRY IN THE SERE AND YELLOW LEAF. + +_A candid M.P. showeth cause._ + + Fair Waitress at the A. B. C., + To which I most resort, + Bring me a roll and cup of tea-- + No longer bards drink port. + No more the lusty, generous vine + In bardic veins makes summer; + That's why Apollo's lyre divine + Knows but the sorry strummer. + + No rich libation at the "Cock," + Degenerate race, we pour, + And tea, not port, at five o'clock, + Is what we all adore. + In coffee, tea, and lemon squash + The Muse ne'er dips her laurel, + So what we write is either "wash," + Or hopelessly immoral. + + When life, each quarter, is made out + Of still more jaundiced hue, + The needy bard must join the shout, + His verse be jaundiced too: + But tea's the spell, these latter times, + As of some fell narcotic, + That makes us weave our random rhymes + All rotten, or neurotic. + + We modern bardlets, tea-inspired, + Condemn th' "old-fashioned gang," + And yet we miss the spark that fired + The songs our fathers sang: + Their tastes were healthier than their sons', + Their rhymes were "none so dusty," + When bards ate beef instead of buns, + And loved their fine old "crusty." + + This sere and yellow poesy + Faint draws its sickly breath, + And--doctors say--Society + Will soon acclaim its death: + No stone upon its grave we'll place, + But tea-pots at each corner-- + Fair Waitress, you the scene shall grace + As chief, and only, mourner. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: + +Le "Yellow Book" + +(Africain) Officiel + +ROMANS POUR LES ANGLOPHOBES + + Paris: Ribot, Hanotaux et C.^{ie} GRATIS] + +"M. HANOTAUX, Minister of Foreign Affairs, will shortly have +distributed in the Chamber and the Senate a _Yellow Book_ relative to +the conventions recently concluded between France and Great Britain +for the delimitation of their respective possessions on the West Coast +of Africa." + + _Our Artist could not be restrained from designing a Cover, + which we respectfully offer to M. Hanotaux._ + + * * * * * + +The Jabez is Coming. + + The JABEZ is coming! Oh dear! how queer! + Is JABEZ a-coming? What cheer? what cheer? + There's nothing much left though to hear We fear. + We'll believe he has come when he's here. + Hear! Hear! + + * * * * * + +NOTE BY A HIGHLY CULTIVATED BUT UNSUCCESSFUL DRAMATIST.--About the +most fatal opinion that can be given on any play is to say that "it +_reads_ well." A play that is "a treat to read" is, as a rule, utter +boredom to see; for in proportion to the success in the study is, in +the majority of cases, the failure on the stage. + + * * * * * + +GAMP TRIUMPHANT, AND JUSTICE TO AN OLD FRIEND AT LAST!!--In the +_Times'_ "Court Circular" lately appeared the information that "_Mrs. +Harris had the honour of dining with the Queen yesterday_." Now, and +henceforth, the immortal Mrs. GAMP, rising "morally and physically," +can denounce any "bage creetur" who would dare to repeat Mrs. PRIG'S +"memorable and tremendous words," spoken of Mrs. HARRIS, the dear +friend of "SAIREY," "I don't believe there's no sich a person." + + * * * * * + +ANACREONTICS FOR ALL. + +SWIG UP THIS (COCOA) CUP! + +AIR--"_Drink of this Cup._" + +[Illustration] + + Swig up this cup--you will find there's a spell in + Its depths for the ills and the aches of mortality. + Drink! Of dyspepsia's dire woes you'll be well in + A Yankee split second! (No fudge, but reality). + Would you forget wine, or whiskey, or gin? + Only skim off the film that will gather a-top of it, + ('Tis merely the milk in coagulate skin,) + Then stir it up briskly and drain every drop of it! + Swig up this cup, &c. + + Never was nectar-cup brewed with such power, + Or philtre; while _here_ nought to injure or hurt is meant. + Of Cocoa this is the pure pick and fine flower. + There's no starch or fat in it (_vide_ Advertisement!). + They who with this have their stomachs well filled, + Are proof against hunger, fatigue, and bad weather. + This wonderful draught is not brewed or distilled, + But it licks all the liquors and cordials together. + Swig up this cup, &c. + + And though, perhaps,--but oh! breathe it to no one!-- + 'Tis stodgy and runs to obesity awfully. + If you've _no_ coat to your tum-tum, you'll grow one! + (The rival advertisements tell us so--jawfully.) + What though it tasteth insipid and tame? + When tea is taboo, and when coffee's forbidden, + Try cocoa from--well, let each fill up the _name_, + There are fifty at least, and their light is _not_ hidden! + Swig up this cup, &c. + + So swig up the cup of--each "'Tiser" is telling + In every paper, with great actuality, + The fame of _his_ brand, with much swagger and swelling, + Other ads. may be fiction, but _his_ is reality. + So swig up the cup when you breakfast, tea, sup, + Of so-and-so's (string of superlatives) cocoa! + (I'd "give it a name," but I daren't try _that_ game, + For fear of severe (editorial) Toko). + Swig up this cup, &c. + + * * * * * + +LATEST FROM PARIS.--"MOORE of Moore Hall, with nothing at at all," +has _not_ "slain," nor has he "foughten with," nor given any kind of +"satisfaction" to, the Dragon of Wantley, represented (as the incident +is to be "relegated to the realms of comic opera") on this occasion +by the Wictorious "WHISTLER Coon." It is, however, reported that the +impressionist artist, animated by the sportsmanlike desire of getting +a shot at something or somebody, the MCNEIL, or JACQUES LE SIFFLEUR, +would like to engage a Moore for the shooting season. The most recent +wire reports, "No Moore at present. J. MCN. W." And, probably, here +closes the incident. + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +LAST WEEK'S BUSINESS.--Everything very much up in the City--especially +the pavement in Cannon Street. + + * * * * * + +"TO PARIS AND BACK FOR NOTHING." + +(_To the Editor of "Punch."_) + +SIR,--A most excellent institution, run on moral lines, has recently +been advertising "A tour on the Continent" for L5. This modest sum is +to cover travelling and hotel expenses, and no doubt has been worked +out on the most virtuous principles. In these days of rapid progress, +however, we can never stand still, and the question arises, Cannot the +holiday be cheapened? I contend it can, and as your paper represents +the human race in general and the British public in particular, I +desire to make known my discovery through your columns. Of course +"Trips for nothing"--the journeys I wish to organise--cannot be +managed without a little thought and arrangement. For my purpose it +is best not to insist too harshly upon the importance of truth and +honesty. After all, both these words represent abstract ideas, that +may be necessary for publication, but need not be absolutely accepted +as a guarantee of good faith. + +Without further preface I jot down my programme. Say that a would-be +traveller without means desires to visit the Capital of France +gratuitously. I would have him present himself at the Victoria +Station garbed in the uniform of a guard. The necessary costume, on +application, would be supplied to him by one of the agents of +the Unprincipled Touring Company--the institution it is my aim to +establish. Just as the night mail was starting for Dover he would +enter the luggage-van, and then all would be clear until he reached +Paris. He would accompany the boxes and portmanteaus to Calais, and +be transferred (being registered) to the Chemin de Fer du Nord, and +remain undisturbed until he reached the terminus. + +On coming out of the van he would be met by one of the agents of the +Unprincipled Touring Company, and be accused of being a spy. This +would immediately secure his arrest and safe custody in a Parisian +police-station. The agent, having played his part, would disappear. It +would now become the duty (and I trust the pleasure) of the would-be +traveller to look after himself without further assistance. He would +appeal to the British Ambassador. He would tell his simple tale, +how he had been drugged and conveyed in a state of coma to the +luggage-van; how he had no money, and had been so affected by the +narcotics, that his mind had become a perfect blank. The British +Minister would, doubtless, secure his release, and supply him with +funds. He would see some of the cheaper sights for which Paris is +celebrated, and then return home by an inexpensive route, highly +delighted with his adventures. + +It will doubtless occur, in this practical age, to persons having even +the most moderate amount of brains, that hitherto the profits of the +Unprincipled Touring Company have remained unmentioned. "Where do they +come in?" will be the universal question. My answer is simply, "Hush +money." The would-be traveller, having availed himself of the +services of the proposed organisation, would, for the remainder of +his existence, be under an obligation to pay as much as he could +conveniently (or even inconveniently) spare to a society which had +secured for him so much semi-innocent recreation. + +It may be advanced by ultra purists that the system of business that +would be inaugurated by the U. T. C. would be immoral. To this I +triumphantly reply, not more immoral than other systems in full +working order in many companies of the highest respectability +compatible with limited liability. + + I remain, yours respectfully, + A PROMISING PROMOTER. + + * * * * * + +WHICH IS THE CORRECT CARD? + +In _The Theatre_, a "review and magazine" most useful as well as +entertaining to all interested in the drama at home and abroad, there +appears, in the critical notice of what is just now successful on the +Parisian stage, a short account of a piece called _M. le Directeur_. +"_It is_," says the writer, "_an amusing but not very savoury skit +upon the life of the petty official, and the advantage taken by the +head of a public office to subserve his amorous propensities in the +management of his department and the promotion of his subordinates_." +Quite evident from this what sort of a farcical comedy it must be. +This appears at p. 238. But at p. 246, among "The Echoes from the +Green Room," we find that this piece, _M. le Directeur_, which is at +present "drawing all Paris to the Vaudeville Theatre, is certainly one +of the most amusing plays," &c. &c., "_and it depends for its success +more upon genuine humour and innocently comic incident than upon +salaciousness of situation or untranslatable wit_." Which of these +accounts of the same play is the correct one? + +[Illustration] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE JOYS OF ANTICIPATION. + +"WHEN ARE YOU COMING OUT WITH ME, MUMMY?" + +"NOT THIS MORNING, DARLING, I'VE TOO MUCH TO DO!" + +"OH, BUT YOU _MUST_, MUMMY. I'VE ALREADY PUT IT IN MY NEW DIARY THAT +YOU _DID!_"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, April 1._--There is about JOHN AIRD an +artlessness of look and manner the price whereof is beyond rubies. +SARK fancies it is the beard that has much to do with it. When you +get a man light-hearted as a boy endowed with long grey beard, +complications certain to ensue. AIRD'S beard has precisely same +preternaturally proper look whether he is sitting in parish church +listening to sermon, or dancing a hornpipe on the white deck of the +P. & O. _Caledonia_. Only he dances better than the average rector +preaches. + +Just the man to take part in the old Parliamentary game known as +asking friendly question. Usually played with Minister taking a hand. +If Treasury Bench wants to bring out some fact or appearance of fact +Whip gets Member on back bench to put question on subject. Pretty to +see Minister on such occasions; his startled look on hearing himself +addressed; his glance round to see if this is really his hon. friend +who is presuming to trouble him with what might be awkward inquiry; +then his slow, almost hesitating answer which effectually corrects a +calumny or nips a slander i' th' bud. + +To-night, in view of pending division on second reading Welsh +Disestablishment Bill it was felt desirable to produce effect of +overwhelming national indignation at threatened spoliation of the +Church. Since Bill introduced petitions against it been dribbling in +from teeming population of English hamlets sternly saying This thing +shall not be. Apart from political importance of question, petitions +have peculiar interest as revealing existence of unknown clusters of +cottage homes. THOMAS HARDY never invented such quaint, charming +names as the industry of compilers of petitions against this Bill +have brought to light. St. Dogmaels, St. Twynnel's, Pattiswick, Neen +Sollars, Chittlehamholt, Hampton Poyle. Woodeaton, Pawler's +Pury, Abbey Dore, Penwortham, Lillingstone Lovell, Crockham Hill, +Weston-under-Penyard, Itchen Stoke, Dunton Green--names musical with +the sound of church bells, sweet with the scent of newly mown hay, the +breath of cowslips. + +This upheaval of the people on behalf of Mother Church loses its +effect by reason of ordinary procedure whereby petitions presented +at the Table are straightway thrust into a sack, and carted off to a +lumber room. Thing to do was to get Member to publicly inquire from +Chairman of Petitions Committee how the matter stood in the ledger; +how many petitions against Bill, how many in favour. Who could do this +better than JOHN AIRD? So he put question to DALRYMPLE, and learned +with dramatically ill-concealed surprise that whilst over a thousand +petitions against the Bill have poured in on the House, not one had +been received in its favour. It is true that another question from +opposite side of House brought out fact that at least one of these +State documents was result of labours of wife of Clerk to Guardians of +St. Asaph Union, who had been instrumental in obtaining the unbiassed +opinion of the resident paupers on question at issue. But that a mere +detail. + +_Business done._--Second Reading Welsh Disestablishment Bill carried +by majority of 44 in House of 564 Members. "_Clwych! Clwych!_" roared +MABON, and was with difficulty restrained from singing "_The March of +the Men of Harlech_." + +_Tuesday._--Evidently in for another dull time. Welsh Disestablishment +Bill off, enter Irish Land Bill. Time precious; business pressing; +every quarter of hour worth a Chancellor of the Exchequer's ransom. +Ministers anxious above all things to get along with business. JOHN +MORLEY, accordingly, sets useful example by delivering speech an +hour and twenty minutes long. This, as he mentioned, followed upon +exorbitant demands on patience of House when he introduced the Bill. +CARSON, not to be outdone, certainly not to be blamed, took up about +as much time. Later came ST. JOHN BRODRICK, astonished at his own +moderation in speaking for only seventy minutes. + +"This is not debating," SARK says. "It is just making speeches by the +yard. Hasn't the remotest effect upon the human mind, still less upon +deliberate action of House. Isn't even pretence of a fight; second +reading will be passed without division; Bill will go to Committee in +precisely same state as would have been the case had it been read a +second time before dinner, and Members spent rest of evening in bosom +of their families. Towards end of Session there will be complaint of +nothing done. At least Treasury Bench mustn't lift up its voice in +reproach at such conclusion. If right hon. gentlemen set us such evil +example, they mustn't complain if we follow it." + +House in desolate state throughout spirit-sapping performance. TIM +HEALY sat it all out. Contributed almost only token of life to the +dull monotony. In dangerously explosive state. If anybody had sat on +safety-valve would have burst to dead certainty. Happily got off a +few life-saving grunts and groans. Played sort of chorus to CARSON'S +speech and BRODRICK'S monologue. They severely ignored him--treatment +which had no effect on his exuberance of spirits. + +"Who are these Irish owners," BRODRICK asked, looking severely across +table at JOHN MORLEY, "who want to buy their tenants' interest in +order to sell it at a higher price?" + +"I'll give you their names," cried TIM, after the fashion of the +naughty boy safe at the outer edge of a crowd. + +"I defy the right hon. gentleman to produce a single instance," +BRODRICK continued, taking no notice of TIM. + +"I'll give you half a dozen," shouted TIM, ever ready to oblige, +though leaving it in doubt whether the half dozen he offered were +lashes or other instances. Then the policeman, in shape of SPEAKER, +appeared on scene, and for awhile there was silence on the back +benches, and dullness regained its sway. + +_Business done._--Second Reading Irish Land Bill moved. + +THURSDAY.--For illustration of soft answer that turneth away wrath, +CAWMEL-BANNERMAN'S reply just now on the shamrock incident perfect +in its way. The heart of Ireland stirred by fresh stories of how +her sons, turning up on parade on St. Patrick's Day proudly wearing +shamrock, were ordered by brutal Saxon officers to "fling it on the +ground." TIM HEALY had cases brought under his notice. Never do for +this branch of United Ireland to appear as sole champion of national +rights in this matter. So wearisome WILLIE REDMOND swaggers on scene +with another case. + +A delicate subject for SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR to handle. On one +hand, discipline must be maintained. On the other, national sentiment +must not be affronted, especially when represented in House by +sufficient votes to turn the scale in any division. CAWMEL-BANNERMAN +not only said right thing, but said it in right way. "I myself," he +murmured with prettily apologetic air, "stand in a somewhat neutral +position, because I belong to a country whose national emblem does not +lend itself to the convenience of the button-hole." + +House laughed at idea of CAWMEL-BANNERMAN bustling in on St. Andrew's +Day with bunch of thistles in his button-hole. With the laugh the +battle was won; what might have been in less skilful hands an awkward +incident passed off amid genial laughter. + +[Illustration: Campbell-Bannerman and his National Emblem (Unsuited to +the Convenience of a Button-hole).] + +_Business done._--Still explaining why we are not going to oppose +Second Reading Irish Land Bill, though we regard it as most +revolutionary and dangerous measure of recent times. + +[Illustration: T. W. Russell between Landlord and Tenant.] + +_Friday._--Second reading Irish Land Bill through at last. Passed +stage without division, which seems odd considering apprehension +with which Opposition regard it. Situation largely due to BOANERGES +RUSSELL, one of few men who understand Bill. Explained it in luminous +speech, like some others thrown away on scanty audience. BOANERGES +later indicated his impartial attitude by seating himself between +landlord and tenant, represented by JOSEPH of Birmingham and son +AUSTEN. JOE incidentally mentions he has only one tenant, that is +AUSTEN, "who," he added, with plaintive note, which found echo with +the Irish landlords, "pays no rent, and is always coming down on me +for compensation." + +_Business done._--Irish Land Bill read second time. + + * * * * * + +LITERARY "FOOD AND FEEDING." + +The present generation affirms that it cannot away with _Pickwick_, +and is not attracted by _Vanity Fair_. The balance of modern opinion +would be rather in favour of THACKERAY than of DICKENS. Take, for +example, the two works already quoted, _Pickwick_ and _Vanity Fair_. +A common modern objection made to _Pickwick_ is, that the characters +in _Pickwick_ are perpetually guttling or imbibing, or both +simultaneously. This is, to a certain extent, true. But how about +THACKERAY'S characters in _Vanity Fair?_ A careful student has sent +us a list of the numerous eatings and drinkings in both novels. In +_Pickwick_, reckoning from the brandy-and-water partaken of by _Mr. +Jingle_, at the Pickwickians' expense, after the scene with the +pugnacious hackney-coachman, and finishing with the breakfast that +celebrated the marriage of _Mr. Snodgrass_ with _Miss Emily Wardle_, +there are exactly (so we are informed) one hundred and one instances +of drinking and eating; some of them being of drinking only, +unqualified. + +In _Vanity Fair_, from the introduction of _Miss Pinkerton's_ "seed +cake," to _Becky_ taking _Amelia_ a cup of tea, _vide_ chapter +sixty-seven, we learn, on the same authority, that there are one +hundred and fifteen cases "allowed for refreshment" in some form or +other. + +A collection of the meals of heroes and heroines in the most popular +works of fiction, and _menus_ compiled therefrom, might be found +interesting, especially if carefully criticised by Sir HENRY THOMPSON +in a separate chapter to be added to the next edition of his really +invaluable work, namely, _Food and Feeding_. Do the modern novelists +feed their characters as plentifully as did DICKENS and THACKERAY +theirs? Be this as it may, these two great Twin Brethren--so utterly +dissimilar in every thing except in the possession of the gift of +genius--fed their readers well and bountifully. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +_ _ represents italic script. + +^ represents a superscript. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +108, April 13, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 13, 1895 *** + +***** This file should be named 44706.txt or 44706.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/7/0/44706/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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