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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44708 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 108, APRIL 27, 1895.
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: CLASSIC QUOTATIONS ILLUSTRATED.
+
+(_For the Use of Schools._)
+
+EXAMPLE I.--"AMARI A-LIQUID."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LATEST CRAZE.
+
+(_A Dramatic Study of Cause and Effect._)
+
+SCENE--_Interior of a Private Box at a Popular Theatre._
+
+_Enter_ ANGELINA _and her people_.
+
+_Paterfamilias._ Well, now that we are here, I hope you are satisfied.
+As for myself, I hate these problem plays.
+
+_Materfamilias._ They are entirely the vogue just now, and we must see
+them. What everybody does we must do.
+
+_Angelina._ So I told EDWIN--I should say, Mr. DOMUM--when he
+complained of our going.
+
+_Mater._ Of course. We have to follow the fashion.
+
+_Pater._ Hush! You must not talk any more, see the curtain has risen.
+
+    (_Five minutes pass._)
+
+_First Heroine_ (_on the stage_). And so, my dear, my marriage was
+an utter failure. The monotony of the life was terrible. My husband
+anticipated my every wish. The tameness was too awful for words, and
+so I left him.
+
+    [_Loud applause._
+
+_Mater._ (_to her husband_). Ah, I never left you, RICHARD!
+
+_Pater._ (_to his wife_). Nor I you, BRIDGET!
+
+_Angelina_ (_aside_). I suppose married life must be very wearisome.
+
+    (_Ten minutes pass._)
+
+_Second Heroine_ (_on the stage_). And now I will tell you the secret
+of my life. I never loved my husband. He gave me all I required--fine
+clothes, sparkling jewels, an opera box. But his presents were insults
+in disguise, and I left him.
+
+    [_Loud applause._
+
+_Pater._ I did not insult you by handing you too many gifts, BRIDGET?
+
+_Mater._ Indeed you did not, RICHARD. In fact, I think you carried
+your abstention too far.
+
+_Pater._ Not at all. See, after these many years, we are devoted to
+one another!
+
+_Angelina_ (_aside_). Failure of Marriage Number Two! Weddings seem to
+be mistake!
+
+    (_Two hours pass._)
+
+_Third Heroine._ I tell you, my Lord Bishop, that I have never
+regretted leaving you. Twenty years ago you were a young curate,
+and you spoilt our married life by your indulgence. You let me have
+everything I wanted. No, my Lord, I will hear no more.
+
+_Angelina_ (_aside_). Another matrimonial failure! I really must have
+a good think over it.
+
+_Pater._ (_to_ Mater.). Well, I hope you are satisfied!
+
+_Mater._ (_to_ Pater.). Awfully depressing, but I don't see what harm
+it can do to anyone.
+
+    (_An hour passes._)
+
+_Angelina_ (_writing in her own room_). "Dear EDWIN, I call you by
+your christian name, for the last time. I can never be yours. I am
+convinced from all I have heard that marriage is a failure. Sincerely
+yours, ANGELINA."
+
+    [_Scene closes in upon a flood of tears._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HEXAMETERS TO DATE; AND A PREHISTORIC PEEP.
+
+    [Mr. FLINDERS PETRIE has just excavated the city of Ombi on
+    the Nile, and vindicated JUVENAL'S geographical reputation.]
+
+  _ECCE novi'st aliquid_ (_per FLINDERS PETRIE Magistrum_)
+  _Ex Africâ semper!_ Quite like some arch-humourist rum,
+  Playing with tombs and skulls, he unearths fresh funny surprises,
+  Scandals of Athor's "past," or long-veiled secrets of Isis.
+  Now this gravedigger-_Yorick_, this Egypt's new ABERCROMBY,
+  Scores yet another conquest--he's found out JUVENAL'S Ombi,
+  Found out the next-door neighbours of Nile-washed Tentyra (you will
+  See in the Fifteenth Satire their truceless, truculent duel).
+  Thus they lived some ages B.C. (in the thirtieth cent'ry),
+  Cannibals, six feet high, and long-legged Libyan gentry,
+  Buried _à la_ trussed fowl, with heads on which wavy brown hair
+          rose;
+  These were the folk who once made things pretty hot for the
+          PHARAOHS.
+  Dig then, PETRIE, away 'mid potsherds, mummies, and cinders,
+  Delve on, and add fresh towns to the underground kingdom of
+          FLINDERS!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+Hearty congratulations from the Baron and his assistants to Mr. H. W.
+LUCY on his delightful life of Mr. GLADSTONE (W. H. ALLEN & Co).
+No one certainly has had better opportunities than TOBY, M.P., for
+studying the great statesman in all his varying moods; and it may be
+affirmed with equal certainty that no other man (or dog) could have
+used his opportunities to greater advantage for the benefit of the
+public. There are in this little volume a tone of easy yet scholarly
+courtesy, a fine literary touch, and a marvellous power of condensing
+details into one vividly descriptive sentence. It is an admirable
+piece of work, which, seeing that it only costs a shilling, ought to
+be sure of a popularity fully equal to its high merits.
+
+"Bravo TOBY!" says
+
+[Illustration: THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE OF DESCRIPTIVE TITLE.--In the Egyptian explorations, the
+results of which, so far, have been recently given in Professor
+PETRIE'S lecture, reported in the _Times_ of Thursday, April 18, the
+lecturer tells us how he was accompanied in his researches by Mr.
+GRENFELL, "The Craven Fellow." How doubly plucky of Professor PETRIE
+to proceed with such a companion so extraordinarily timorous as is
+expressed in such a _sobriquet_ as "The Craven Fellow." However, he
+belied his name by showing such pluck and perseverance in rendering
+assistance to the Professor as will entitle him to explain himself
+as "_Late_ the Craven Fellow," but _now_ "the C. F., or Courageous
+Fellow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE JAP IN THE CHINA SHOP.
+
+_Master of the Situation_ (_loq._). "NOW THEN, YOU PIG-HEADED OLD
+PIGTAIL, OPEN YOUR SHOP--AND HAND ME THE KEYS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SCORCHING.
+
+_First Countryman_ (_to third-rate Amateur Jock, whose mount won't
+have the Fence_). "NOW THEN, SHOVE 'IM AT IT AGIN, MISTER! WHOI DENGED
+IF OI WOULDN'T JUMP THAT 'ERE LITTLE PLACE WI' A JACKASS!"
+
+_Second Countryman._ "MAYBE YER WOULD, MA LAD; BUT YER SEE THAT 'ERE
+'OSS DON'T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT JUMPING WI' A JACKASS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE JAP IN THE CHINA SHOP; OR, THE NEW "OPEN SESAME."
+
+    ["China, properly opened up, would be an El Dorado for
+    mankind.... The true conquest effected by the war is the
+    conquest of the right to a market, and that apparently on an
+    enormous scale."
+
+  _"Daily News" on the terms of Peace between China and Japan._]
+
+
+_Little Jap loquitur_:--
+
+  Come, wake up, old chap! I'm the go-ahead Jap.
+    _Open Sesame!_ Yes, that's the word, JOHN!
+  In your den you would stop, or e'en shut up your shop,
+    Your proceedings are highly absurd, JOHN!
+  Spite your bounce and your boast, I have got you on toast,
+    And thereby, friend JOHN, hangs a _big_ tale.
+  When your carcase I'd wake, I have only to take
+    A sailor's round turn at your pigtail!
+      Your notion of shopkeeping's shutter and key.
+      Since you don't know their use, hand 'em over to _Me_!
+
+  For thousands of years your pride and your fears
+    Have muddled your market completely.
+  Ah! would you, old slug? But a twist and a tug
+    Bring you up to your bearings most sweetly.
+  'Tis no use to kick! You will have to move slick,
+    Now you've got in the hands of Young Jappy;
+  Don't you get in a scare for your crockery ware.
+    Rouse up, open shop, and be happy!
+      Afraid? Superstitious? Oh, fiddle-de-dee!
+      Throw open your markets, and leave it to _Me_!
+
+  For ever so long you've been going all wrong.
+    Your Empire is under a shadow;
+  But well opened up, by ships, railways, and KRUPP,
+    It will turn out a true El Dorado.
+  _Don't_ fly to your door! Eh? your pigtail is sore?
+    You think me a cocky invader?
+  Why you'll find in the end I'm your very best friend,
+    When I force you to be a free trader.
+      Blow your grandfather's bunkum, you Heathen Chinee!
+      Take down all your shutters, and hand _me_ the key!
+
+  For _my_ use alone? you inquire with a groan.
+    Oh, dear! you _must_ be an old duffer!
+  Excuse me this wink,--but what do _you_ think?
+    Do you hold "Outside Devils" will suffer
+  The Flowery Land to be locked by my hand,
+    Any more than by yours, in their faces?
+  Pig-headed old Pigtail, I fancy I know
+    How to get into Europe's good graces.
+      So pay up my millions, you Heathen Chinee!
+      Throw open your market, and _hand me the key_!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"STRANGE DISAPPEARANCES."
+
+The four strangers were gathered together in the all-but-deserted
+inn. They were forced to enter into conversation, because the solitary
+periodical taken in by the landlord had been read from title to
+imprint by everyone of them.
+
+"A strange article," said the first, as he laid down the _Lancet_.
+"And so men disappear entirely for awhile, and then come back to their
+homes and profession as if nothing had happened."
+
+"Extraordinary," murmured the second. "I see that the scientific
+publication you have just relinquished suggests that the cause
+of these hurried exits partake of the nature of post-epileptic
+phenomena." And then the talk went on. The four strangers dined
+together, supped together, and on the following morning partook in
+company of breakfast. The waiter, at about eleven o'clock, presented
+each of them with a note. It came from the landlord, and was full of
+figures. A weird look appeared on their faces.
+
+"We must move on," said one of the quartette; "but as the staircase is
+steep, let us descend by the window."
+
+The no-longer-perplexed strangers adopted the suggestion, and gently
+sliding down a rope, were soon quit of the inn. They walked together
+for about a quarter of a mile, and then coming to four cross-roads,
+scattered.
+
+"Dear me," said the landlord of the inn, when he once again found
+himself alone. "Their disappearance is most strange. I am inclined
+to agree with the _Lancet_, 'that the phenomenon remains striking
+and mysterious, interesting in its psychological aspect, but in its
+concrete form full of practical and medico-legal difficulties;' and,
+believing this, I must write to the proper authorities." And he sat
+down and composed two letters. One he addressed to the President of
+the Royal College of Physicians, and the other to the Editor of _Hue
+and Cry_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BLIND ALLEY-GORIES.
+
+BY DUNNO WÄHRIAR.
+
+(_Translated from the original Lappish by Mr. Punch's own Hyperborean
+Enthusiast._)
+
+NO. II.--THE ILLUSTRIOUS STRANGER.
+
+The sky was darkened by swart birds, with tufted tails, and a look in
+their clay-coloured eyes as of millions of stifled croaks; the rain
+fell in grizzled sheets like the streaming hair and beard of some
+Titanic lunatic, and the thunder boomed over the town as if it had
+just discovered another epoch-making novel.
+
+Night fell; I lit my lamp and closed the shutters, drew my curtains,
+so as to shut out any gleaming cats' eyes that might be peering at me
+through the chinks, and mixed myself a tumbler of hot punch.
+
+As I finished it, a wild piercing shriek rose from the universe, as
+though someone had run a pin into the Great Unknown, and a shining
+blue-white ball came down the chimney and burnt a hole in the
+yellow-green gloom of my hearthrug.
+
+I looked up; a strange man was sitting right in front of me. His
+crested hair had a blue-white gleam, like the electric light in a
+mountain hotel when the storm is nearly ended; it stuck out in a
+spiral fringe round his cheeks and chin; his mouth was prim like a
+purse; but his spectacles twinkled with laughter like the new ferrule
+on a gingham umbrella.
+
+"I am the Shaker of Society's Pillars, I have discovered that the Tree
+of Knowledge of Good and Evil bears nothing but rotten apples. There
+are milestones on the Bergen road--but I can see through most of them.
+I am the New Generation knocking at the old stage-door. I am also
+the Dramatiser of Social Conundrums to which there will never be any
+answer."
+
+Time passed--a second or an hour. I began to wish he would go.
+
+"I am the great Wizard that has ennobled and purified Humanity by
+showing that they are all the morbid victims of a diseased heredity.
+The great fire at Christiania was _not_ the fire in which _Mrs.
+Solness's_ nine dolls were burnt. I am he who has emancipated Woman by
+convincing her that she has the _right_ to be hysterical."
+
+Again time passed--an hour or a second. I fancy I must have dropped
+off to sleep.
+
+[Illustration: "I fancy I must have dropped off to sleep."]
+
+"I am he who has broken through the conventions of the
+well-constructed drama. When we lived at Drontheim, BERNICK'S gander
+was stolen by tinkers. I am the original eld, and also the child who
+instructs the grandmotherly critic in the art of sucking problematic
+eggs; but I, too, am a master-builder of magnificent bathos."
+
+And again time passed--a second or an hour. I wondered whether he had
+come to stay the night.
+
+"Read, I am called 'dramatic'; acted, I am called 'impossible.'"
+
+With that the cock crew. The stranger had flown before I had an
+opportunity of asking him his name or asking him to look in again some
+evening.
+
+I was rather sorry, for he seemed to have a flow of agreeable small
+talk, though it was perhaps a little egotistic.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE WOULD-BE SOLDIER'S VADE MECUM.
+
+_Question._ Why did you become a member of a Volunteer corps?
+
+_Answer._ With the intention of strengthening our national defences.
+
+_Q._ Then you think such a proceeding patriotic?
+
+_A._ Not only patriotic, but necessary.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Q._ You probably have some recollection of the French collapse in
+1870-71?
+
+_A._ Yes; but I have been chiefly influenced by considerations of a
+mathematical character.
+
+_Q._ Make your meaning plainer.
+
+_A._ I mean that it stands to reason that as only a small percentage
+of our people are trained to arms, and ninety-six per cent of our
+neighbours are converted into soldiers, the latter, in the case of a
+quarrel with us, would have the upper hand.
+
+_Q._ And you think a quarrel entailing the arbitration of the sword
+might be sprung upon us at any moment?
+
+_A._ Precisely; that is entirely my opinion.
+
+_Q._ And, consequently, you take a serious view of Volunteering?
+
+_A._ Assuredly, or I would not give up most of my leisure time to
+master drill in all its branches.
+
+_Q._ Do you obtain any social advantages by wearing the uniform of a
+Volunteer?
+
+_A._ No; on the contrary, the grade of a private in the long run
+causes considerable expense; and the commission of an officer is
+inseparable from large expenditure and a loss of self-respect.
+
+_Q._ Why is the holding of a commission of a Volunteer officer
+"inseparable from a loss of self-respect"?
+
+_A._ Because, in the general estimation, the holder of a commission in
+the Volunteers is worthy of ridicule, pity, or contempt.
+
+_Q._ Can you give the reason for this impression?
+
+_A._ It is probable that it has been created by the consideration
+that a Volunteer officer is chaffed by his friends, sneered at by his
+enemies, and mulcted of much money by his comrades.
+
+_Q._ Then a Volunteer officer or private usually joins the force from
+the most patriotic of motives?
+
+_A._ Certainly. Nine-tenths of the rank and file and their commanding
+officers wish to qualify as soldiers capable of repelling a foreign
+invasion.
+
+_Q._ And this being so, they do not wish to spend three or four days
+of training in practising "marches past" and other man[oe]uvres of a
+more or less ornamental character?
+
+_A._ Quite so; not even when the practice terminates with a review in
+a royal park, and a salute performed to the strains of the National
+Anthem.
+
+_Q._ Nor do the Volunteers desire to be made into a raree show?
+
+_A._ Not even to make a cockney Bank Holiday.
+
+_Q._ And if you are told that this is the sort of thing that the
+Volunteers want, what do you reply?
+
+_A._ Nonsense.
+
+_Q._ And if it were added that more serious work would be unpopular,
+what would be your suggestion?
+
+_A._ Try and see.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEM. FOR VETOISTS.--It is the question of "tied" houses which makes
+the compensation question so knotty.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RAILWAY BALLADS.
+
+I.--THE EXPRESS TRAIN.
+
+  A gruesome tale I tell of the
+  West-Eastern Railway Companee.
+    "Its virtues few, its faults a score"--
+    (I quote the view held heretofore).
+
+  The chief among its faults, you see,
+  Is sad unpunctualitee.
+    Now, gentles all, list what befel
+    AUGUSTUS HALL, of Camberwell.
+
+  The Fates were stern, the world unkind;
+  And this, I learn, unhinged his mind.
+    _Che sarà, sarà!_ Think how sad!
+    His evil star it drove him mad!
+
+  "If life has no more joy to give,"
+  Quoth he, "I'll go and cease to live.
+    Nor yet delay an hour to dine,
+    But straightway lay me on the line.
+
+  "The train now due will end distress--
+  So haste thee, Two o'clock Express!"
+    With that he'd gone, nor stayed to snack;
+    But climbed upon the railway-track.
+
+  He waited now two hours--not less;
+  And yet, I vow, came no express!
+    And he had nought his pangs to ease.
+    He wished he'd brought some bread and cheese.
+
+  He had to fast. He fain would sup.
+  The hours flew past. He sate him up.
+    "'Tis strangely late. I should not mind--
+    I'd gladly wait--if I had dined.
+
+  "If I'd a joint that I could carve,
+  I'd strain a point; but here to starve!!
+    May I be hung if e'er I see
+    Such gross unpunctualitee!
+
+  "No gentleman can now depend
+  On any plan to plan his end."
+    Twelve hours or more he waited thus.
+    "A train?" he swore; "an _omnibus!_
+
+  "It tarries yet all through the night,
+  And helps to whet my appetite!"
+    His hunger grew inside his chest;
+    With nought to chew, he was--_non est_.
+
+  Two days pass by, and then we find
+  The train draw nigh, three days behind!
+    Directors sigh, deplore, and frown;
+    And fine the driver half-a-crown.
+
+  "But had I been on time," JACK said,
+  "HALL'S death, I ween, were on my head."
+    "Quite true, good JACK! Our conscience pricks.
+    We hand you back your two-and-six!"
+
+_Envoi._
+
+  Now that is all I have to tell
+  Of Mr. HALL, of Camberwell.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THESE DULL TIMES.
+
+_Lady Gushton_ (_always so agreeable_). "AND THE MAGNIFICENT PICTURES
+YOU HAD HERE LAST YEAR,--HAVE YOU GOT THEM ALL STILL?"
+
+_Mr. Flake Whyte_ (_sadly_). "YES; I HAVE THEM ALL."
+
+_Lady Gushton._ "HOW VERY NICE! IT IS SO HARD TO PART WITH ONE'S OWN
+PICTURES, IS IT NOT?"
+
+_Mr. Flake Whyte_ (_with much feeling_). "AWFULLY, AWFULLY HARD!
+SOMETIMES IMPOSSIBLE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROBERT AND THE COUNTY COUNSELLS.
+
+BROWN and me has been a having sum rare good fun lately. We has
+managed to see and hear a good deal about the County Counsellers, and
+werry emusing we finds em to be. They suttenly does manage to quarrell
+among each other more than I shood have thort posserbel. There's
+a depperty Counseller among em who will tork whenever he gets a
+hoppertunity, yes and keeps the pot a biling, as BROWN says, for
+nearly arf a nour at a time, and then finds hisself beaten into a
+cocked at, and so has to sit down, while the others has a jolly larf.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Ever so many on em belongs to the Tems Conserwancy, and so we are
+offen hearing of their going up the River, when there's two much water
+there, and hoffering to show the poor natives how to get a lot of
+it away, but from what I hears they don't seem for to be werry
+sucksessful.
+
+Too or three on em went to the Boat Race the other day and took ever
+so many Ladies with em, and jolly nice dinners they had on bord after
+the Race was over and there wasn't no more fear of no more rane, which
+had rayther spylt the morning.
+
+It's reel good fun to hear the Counsellors tork about the Copperation
+nowadays! such a difference to what it was about a year ago! Then it
+was all bragging and boasting, now it's all begging your pardon, and
+arsking your grace, and it shant occur again! I never thort to see
+such a change, and it's really werry emusing. The two places where
+they speshally seems not at all at their ease are the Court of Common
+Counsel and the Manshun House; and in both of these honnerd places
+the few as wenters in do look uncumferal indeed! and the reel natives
+don't show them no pitty! not a bit of it, but takes a quiet larf
+whenever they gits a good chance.
+
+I've herd as one of the Counsellors has been herd to say as there are
+no less than three on em in the House of Commons, each of em quite
+equal to the late Speaker, if not shuperior to him, and that it was
+only beggarly jealousy as prewented them giving them a fare chance!
+
+The same honorable Gent has been herd to say that the County
+Counsellors was much shuperior to the City Copperation, for it was
+only last Toosday as they agreed, without a word of remonsterance, to
+raise no less than two millions of money from next year's rates!
+
+I wunder if it's all trew!
+
+ROBERT.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEWEST NUISANCE.--The woman with a past before her.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.
+
+"COOT-NIGHT, MRS. PROWN. I HAF TO SANK YOU FOR DE MOST BLEASANT
+EFENING I HAF EFFER SCHBENT IN MY LIFE!"
+
+"OH, DON'T SAY THAT, HERR SCHMIDT!"
+
+"ACH! BOT I _DO_ SAY DAT! I _ALVAYS_ SAY DAT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE NEW CONDUCTOR.
+
+["You have been elected by a majority of the House. You are the
+representative of the whole House."--_Report of the Right Hon. Arthur
+Balfour's speech on the election of Mr. Gully as Speaker._]
+
+_Mr. Punch to Mr. Speaker._
+
+  If the Second Fiddle's satisfied, you're all right with the First!
+    The Harp may heed your _bâton_, and as for the Big Drum,
+  When it booms out on the night with a loud sonorous burst,
+    That makes the whole proscenium shake and hum;
+  What matter if the clatter, and the bang and bump and batter,
+                          Keep but time?
+  If they're docile to your nod, and obedient to your rod,
+    The New Conductor's post will be prime!
+
+  The Orchestra has doubtless been a little bit at odds,
+    And what should bring forth harmony has fallen into row;
+  But, good gracious! there were shines sometimes among the Olympian gods,
+    And the noisy ones look milk and honey _now_.
+  The brazen and the windy both outdid Wagnerian shindy,
+                          For a while;
+  Now there's calm at wings and middle, and even the First Fiddle
+    Veils his virtuous indignation with a smile:
+
+  The _tutti_ did go wrong, all the parts appeared at strife,
+    They liked the Old Conductor, were in doubt about the New;
+  And WH-TBR-D'S tootling piccolo, and WH-RT-N'S wry-neck'd fife,
+    Went decidedly a little bit askew.
+  But, in spite of blare and blether, they're now going well together,
+                          String and reed,
+  Parchment, and wood, and brass; and it yet may come to pass
+    That the New Conductor's _début_ will succeed.
+
+  The Old Conductor's style was perfection, there's no doubt,
+    Impossible to beat, and extremely hard to follow;
+  But the new one seems to know pretty well what he's about.
+    A Mercury _can_ play, though no Apollo.
+  So let us cheer all round, as he makes his bow profound!
+                          Tap, tap, tap!
+  Go the fiddle-bows, in proof that, while welcome shakes the roof,
+    The orchestra agree to cheer and clap!
+
+  Sir, that St. Stephen's Orchestra is mighty hard to lead:
+    Needs mastery, and dignity, and coolness, and fine ear,
+  Great was the _bâton_-wielder 'tis your fortune to succeed;
+    But tackle your big task, Sir, without fear!
+  _Punch_ trusts the name of GULLY on Fame's roll will not shine dully
+                          At the end!
+  Now tune up string and bow, let the New Conductor know
+    That he finds in each performer a fair friend!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PARTY POLITICS.
+
+_First Man_ (_conciliatory_). You're a Tory?
+
+_Second Man_ (_also conciliatory_). Well, no. I'm a Unionist. Yes, a
+Unionist. Certainly I don't approve of Home Rule----
+
+_First Man._ Don't say that. I think well of Home Rule.
+
+_Second Man._ Oh, do you? Well, I agree with the Liberals in some
+ways.
+
+_First Man._ Come to that, in some ways I agree with the Tories. Now
+take Disestablishment.
+
+_Second Man._ Ah, that's just one point where I disagree with the
+Liberals.
+
+_First Man._ Well, you may be right. But I should be a Tory if they
+supported Home Rule.
+
+_Second Man._ And I should be a Liberal if they didn't want
+Disestablishment.
+
+_First Man._ Now, CHAMBERLAIN----
+
+_Second Man._ Ah, yes. CHAMBERLAIN----
+
+_First Man._ He opposes Home Rule.
+
+_Second Man._ He supports Disestablishment.
+
+    [_Left mutually abusing_ Mr. CHAMBERLAIN
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.--"The LORD LIEUTENANT was present at
+Punchestown for the races. His Excellency and the house party from
+the Viceregal Lodge, which included TOBY, M.P., met with a hearty
+reception." Naturally. If TOBY, M.P. was not made welcome at _Punch's_
+town, who should be?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CITY NOTES.--_The latest Crushing Report._--The Londonderry Mine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW CONDUCTOR.
+
+"YOU HAVE BEEN ELECTED BY A MAJORITY OF THE HOUSE. YOU ARE THE
+REPRESENTATIVE OF THE WHOLE HOUSE."
+
+_Report of the Right Hon. Arthur Balfour's speech on the election of
+Mr. Gully as Speaker._]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A BUSINESS ANNOUNCEMENT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TRADE BETRAYED.
+
+_Returned Anglo-Indian Colonel_ (_to friend of his boyhood_). Either
+your climate is colder than it used to be, or your coals throw out
+less heat. Which is it?
+
+_His Friend._ Oh, it's the coals. Rubbishy things, rather. Come from
+Tomsk in Siberia.
+
+_R. A.-I. C._ Siberia! They ought to be sent there! But aren't English
+coals good enough?
+
+_His Friend._ Oh, yes, they're _good_ enough. But then, you see,
+they're dear. That's the result of the last coal strike.
+
+_R. A.-I. C._ Oh, I heard about that at Bangalore. Then how about your
+razors? I bought one yesterday in the Strand. If you believe me, I've
+only used it once and it's blunt already.
+
+_His Friend._ "Made in Germany," no doubt. The trade's gone over
+there, they say.
+
+_R. A.-I. C._ And boots, now. Why has the pair I got in the City a
+month ago split open in two places?
+
+_His Friend._ _That's_ the late boot strike. Cheap American goods have
+ousted the genuine British article.
+
+_R. A.-I. C._ (_meditatively_). Ah--heard of the boot strike too at
+Bangalore. But I didn't find my bootmaker charged me any less than in
+the old days for 'em. Tell you what, there's only one thing that will
+save England.
+
+_His Friend._ What's that?
+
+_R. A.-I. C._ Why, a new kind of strike altogether. Why shouldn't the
+strikers _strike striking?_ Eh?
+
+_His Friend._ That never struck me.
+
+    [_They part pensively._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MY PIPE.
+
+  I do not now attempt to sing,
+    With laudatory phrases,
+  That now, in verse, quite hackneyed thing,
+    Which poet, painter praises:
+  Beloved by TURNER, CLAUDE, or CUYP,
+  The excellent tobacco-pipe.
+
+  Nor yet of bagpipes do I write,
+    Pan's pipes with Punch and Judy,
+  Or organ ones, because you might
+    Read books on them, from MUDIE,
+  In varied tongues, in varied type--
+  On any sort of music pipe.
+
+  Nor, plagued of late however much
+    By bronchial affections,
+  Do I propose just now to touch,
+    With medical reflections,
+  On what Jack Frost delights to gripe,
+  My choking, wheezing, sore wind-pipe,
+
+  Nor am I speaking now of wine,
+    Nor yet, from MARRYAT learning,
+  Of what the Cockney would define--
+    Poor A as ever spurning--
+  "The sime in nime, but not in shipe,"
+  The pipe of port; the boatswain's pipe.
+
+  No! Now I sing--but not with praise,
+    To praise it would be rummer
+  Than any other sort of craze,
+    Excepting in a plumber;
+  I am not such a fool, a "snipe,"
+  As says the Bard--my water-pipe.
+
+  For weeks I could not get a drop
+    Of water, it was frozen;
+  When thus congealed the thing would stop,
+    I spoke as would a boatswain.
+  For seamen's oaths the time was ripe,
+  I here translate them--Hang that pipe!
+
+  Then suddenly, of course at night,
+    There came a sudden splashing,
+  And I, in most unequal fight,
+    About my bedroom dashing,
+  With sheets and towels tried to wipe,
+  Or check, the flood from that vile pipe.
+
+  You would not say that frost is fine,
+    So exquisitely bracing,
+  If you had had a pipe like mine,
+    Your ruined home defacing;
+  On carpet, stain; on paper, stripe;--
+  Oh, blow that beastly water-pipe!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SONG OF THE PEACE TERMS (SUNG TO CHINA).--"Oh, Let us be Jappy
+together!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PARLIAMENTARY "LIBERTY MEN" COMING ABOARD AFTER TEN
+DAYS' LEAVE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SONG OF SPRING.
+
+  Oh, painters, you who always "come
+    Before the swallow dares, and take
+  The winds of March"--till May--with some
+    Atrocious smell of paint, and make
+  The streets in such a shocking state, you
+  Are quite a nuisance--how I hate you!
+
+  How can I wear in peace a neat,
+    Silk hat, and coat of decent black,
+  When, passing you in any street,
+    Your paint may tumble on my back,
+  Or I may smash, which might be sadder,
+  My hat against your sloping ladder?
+
+  How can the spring delight my mind,
+    How can I like the budding trees,
+  The butterflies of any kind?
+    A Painted Lady could not please
+  In any way the mental man,
+  Were I a painted gentleman.
+
+  How can I like the balmy air,
+    How dream of violets in bloom,
+  When paint-pots swing aloft and scare
+    With visions of impending doom?
+  I'm mad and hot--quite crimson madder--
+  With dodging each successive ladder.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO A BANTLING.
+
+(_Lines written to a Lady who "Banted."_)
+
+  Some rhymes to make you laugh? I can't
+    Drop, Wegg-like, into rhyme instanter.
+  It's easiness itself to bant,
+    Comparatively hard to banter.
+
+  The many pretty things I'd say,
+    The pleasant thoughts I'd like to utter,
+  I may not do, it seems to-day--
+    You scorn the bare idea of _butter!_
+
+  "Sweets to the sweet." Not long ago,
+    Why chocolates--you'd gladly greet them.
+  Now you've abandoned them, and so
+    You never (hardly ever) eat them.
+
+  To see you drink hot water--that
+    The very stoniest heart would soften,
+  You evidently think it flat,
+    You're in it--aren't you--much too often?
+
+  Yet whether 9st. 12, as when
+    You weighed that day at Margate Station,
+  Or 10st. 7, or 7st. 10,
+    _I_ can't pretend to indignation.
+
+  To bant from early morn till late
+    May be, of course, supremely right of you;
+  But if you feel oppressed by weight,
+    Would it not do if we made light of you?
+
+  Though that I swear I will not do,
+    Let others, if they like, make bold to--
+  I merely write these rhymes for you,
+    I _always_ do just what I'm told to!
+
+  But if you cease to peak and pine
+    (For Time the Banting Conscience hardens),
+  You will not fail to drop a line--
+    My chambers are in Temple Gardens.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SEXOMANIA.
+
+_By an Angry Old Buffer._
+
+  "When ADAM delved and EVE span,"
+  No one need ask which was the man.
+  Bicycling, footballing, scarce human,
+  All wonder now "Which is the woman?"
+  But a new fear my bosom vexes;
+  To-morrow there may be _no_ sexes!
+  Unless, as end to all the pother,
+  Each one in fact becomes the other.
+  E'en _then_ perhaps they'll start amain
+  A-trying to change back again!
+  Woman _was_ woman, man _was_ man,
+  When ADAM delved and EVE span.
+  Now he can't dig and she won't spin,
+  Unless 'tis tales all slang and sin!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: DOMESTIC TROUBLES.
+
+"WHAT IS IT, NURSE?"
+
+"IF YOU PLEASE, MA'AM, THE CHILDREN _WILL_ MAKE SLIDES ON THE FLOOR
+WITH TAPIOCA PUDDING!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OSTRICH FEATHERS.
+
+    ["The magnificent ostrich at the Zoological Gardens, presented
+    by the QUEEN, has recently died from lung-disease."--_Daily
+    Paper._]
+
+  My eyes are wet with dewy tears,
+    That will not cease to flow.
+  Like MARY'S little lamb, my grief
+    Somehow is sure to go
+  Wherever I do. It all comes
+    From something that I've read,
+  The ostrich that I loved so well
+    Fell ill, and now is dead.
+
+  "Magnificent" indeed, it was.
+    I never ceased to take
+  A pride in its magnificence
+    For its own special sake.
+  But added unto this there was
+    An extra joy. I mean
+  That loyalty asks ardour for
+    A present from the QUEEN.
+
+  Oh! ostrich. I have often thought
+    Your smile childlike and bland,
+  And speculated if it's true
+    That right down in the sand
+  You really _do_ conceal your head.
+    But even though that's wrong,
+  It seems without a lung for life
+    You could not live for long.
+
+  My wife and I delight to hear
+    Our wee girl's merry laugh,
+  As she's astride the elephant
+    Or feeding the giraffe.
+  But ostrich--regal, lung-gone, dead!
+    When we are at the Zoo,
+  My wife's best hat will always serve
+    To turn my thoughts to you.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CARMENCITA.
+
+(_An Impression._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+  "O east is east, and west is west
+    And never the twain shall meet."
+  And the dance of Spain is one of the twain
+    To the English Man in the Street.
+
+  We love the trick of the lofty kick
+    And the muscular display
+  Of the nymph who has leapt at a muslin hoop
+    And stopp'd in her flight half-way.
+
+  A plain, blunt girl in the stormy swirl
+    Of accordion pleats and laces,
+  Tho' she cannot dance, if she spin and prance,
+    Is numbered among the Graces.
+
+  For heel and toe our hearts can glow
+    And the feats of the rhythmic clog,
+  And a poem of motion wells forth in the notion
+    Of a Serpentine Dancing Dog.
+
+  But the dancer's art, of her life a part,
+    A song of the wordless soul
+  With a tale to tell, like the music's swell,
+    Too large for the word's control,
+
+  _That_ goes not down in London town
+    Where dogg'd conventions stick,
+  And dancers still must charm with frill,
+    Or "make shymnastic drick."
+
+  As the jungle king with his wrathful spring,
+    To the lamb that aptly bleats,
+  As the trumpet's blare to the palsied air
+    Of that which plays in pleats,
+
+  So is east to west, with its sun-born zest,
+    With fire at the quick heart's core,
+  And passions bold as the ardent gold
+    Of the sun on a southern shore.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BALLAD OF THE KAISER'S MERCY.
+
+(_In brief._)
+
+  "The sovereign'st thing on earth
+  Was parmaceti, for an inward bruise."
+
+      _Henry the Fourth_, Part I., Act i., Sc. 3.
+
+  A quarrel, anything but pretty,
+  Cannot be healed by parmaceti.
+  But honour, bruisèd in the leg,
+  Finds sovereign solace in an egg.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+REFLECTIONS OF A STATESMAN.
+
+_Saturday._--Things looking queer. Leamington in a ferment, Tories
+denouncing _me_. Like their impudence. Must order ARTHUR BALFOUR to
+stop this nonsense, and bring rebels to reason. I shall want Hythe
+thrown into the bargain. BALFOUR must write more letters. If our
+little lot are to get nothing out of all this, what's the use of
+having sacrificed principles and COURTNEY? Obviously none. JESSE
+COLLINGS quite agrees. Says the Tories will repent, when it is too
+late, of having refused to submit to the greatest, wisest, most
+generous and noblest statesman of this or any other age, past
+or future. Wonderful amount of sense in JESSE. Shall make him
+Governor-General of India, or First Lord of Admiralty.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+_Monday._--Have seen BALFOUR. Says he can do nothing at Leamington.
+Wanted me to withdraw Liberal Unionist candidate. ME! The mere notion
+ridiculous. Told him so. Also asked him how about Compact. He said
+"Compact be ----". At this moment GOSCHEN came in, and interrupted.
+BALFOUR said missing word was "observed." GOSCHEN full of sympathy,
+but said he could do nothing. Shall not allow him to be Chancellor of
+Exchequer again. Shall be Chancellor of Exchequer myself. Letter
+in _Times_ from GEOFFREY DRAGE, saying kind things about me. Rather
+patronising, but well meant. Shall make DRAGE Home Secretary.
+
+_Tuesday._--Letter in _Times_ from Lord TEYNHAM attacking me on
+account of vote on Welsh Disestablishment. Even a fool of a lord
+might know a man can't wriggle out of everything, and can't please
+everybody. Have written to SALISBURY ordering him to throw TEYNHAM
+into the Tower as soon as Unionist Government in power. If he refuses,
+shall accept Premiership myself and execute TEYNHAM on Tower Hill.
+Leamington still raging. If this goes on shall march at head of
+Birmingham Fencibles and rase Leamington to the ground--all except
+three houses said to belong to Liberal Unionists. That'll teach them
+to oppose _me_.
+
+_Wednesday._--Letter in _Times_ from BYRON REED. Says I'm not so bad
+as they want to make me out. Nice sensible fellow BYRON. Shall make
+him Minister of Agriculture. Have sent ultimatums to SALISBURY,
+BALFOUR, AKERS-DOUGLAS, MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH, and CHAPLIN, ordering
+them to retire from public life. Shall run the show on entirely
+different lines with AUSTEN and JESSE to help me. Have heard from
+editor of _New Review_, who refuses to disclose name of author, of an
+attack on me. Have sent HENRY JAMES to editor with new patent rack
+and thumbscrews. But there, my name's easy. Never could bear malice.
+Always forgive everybody.... Notes from SALISBURY, BALFOUR & CO. They
+refuse to retire. HENRY JAMES returns. Editor broke rack and threw
+thumbscrews out of window. A very rude man, HENRY JAMES says. GULLY
+elected Speaker. I'm off to Birmingham.
+
+  * * *
+
+_Later._--Letter from HART DYKE in the _Times_. A good fellow, HART
+DYKE. But why, in the name of screw-nails, should they all presume to
+patronise _me?_
+
+  * * *
+
+Letter in _Standard_ from STANLEY BOULTER. Must stop that kind of
+nonsense. Leading article in _Standard_. Usual futilities: "We fully
+recognise loyal services, but on the present occasion," &c. Shall
+refuse peerage and retire to Central Australia with JESSE to found a
+Me-colony. Sick of the whole show.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUEER QUERY.--ANY ADVANCE?--I see that at the Shop Assistants'
+Conference at Cardiff it was said that what shop-workers ought to go
+in for was a "Forward Policy." Surely this must be a mistake? If there
+is one thing that everybody objects to, it is forward young men and
+women behind the counter. One often hears the shop-walker say, "Will
+you come forward, Miss JONES, and serve this lady!" And perhaps _that_
+was what the Cardiff people were thinking of. Can this be the true
+explanation? I sincerely hope so; I don't want a "forward" young
+person, a sort of "independent labour party," slamming down goods for
+_me_ to inspect!--ALARMED.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+108, April 27, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44708 ***