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diff --git a/old/44708.txt b/old/44708.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..21ad51d --- /dev/null +++ b/old/44708.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1512 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, +April 27, 1895, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, April 27, 1895 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Sir Francis Burnand + +Release Date: January 19, 2014 [EBook #44708] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 27, 1895 *** + + + + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 108, APRIL 27, 1895. + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +[Illustration: CLASSIC QUOTATIONS ILLUSTRATED. + +(_For the Use of Schools._) + +EXAMPLE I.--"AMARI A-LIQUID."] + + * * * * * + +THE LATEST CRAZE. + +(_A Dramatic Study of Cause and Effect._) + +SCENE--_Interior of a Private Box at a Popular Theatre._ + +_Enter_ ANGELINA _and her people_. + +_Paterfamilias._ Well, now that we are here, I hope you are satisfied. +As for myself, I hate these problem plays. + +_Materfamilias._ They are entirely the vogue just now, and we must see +them. What everybody does we must do. + +_Angelina._ So I told EDWIN--I should say, Mr. DOMUM--when he +complained of our going. + +_Mater._ Of course. We have to follow the fashion. + +_Pater._ Hush! You must not talk any more, see the curtain has risen. + + (_Five minutes pass._) + +_First Heroine_ (_on the stage_). And so, my dear, my marriage was +an utter failure. The monotony of the life was terrible. My husband +anticipated my every wish. The tameness was too awful for words, and +so I left him. + + [_Loud applause._ + +_Mater._ (_to her husband_). Ah, I never left you, RICHARD! + +_Pater._ (_to his wife_). Nor I you, BRIDGET! + +_Angelina_ (_aside_). I suppose married life must be very wearisome. + + (_Ten minutes pass._) + +_Second Heroine_ (_on the stage_). And now I will tell you the secret +of my life. I never loved my husband. He gave me all I required--fine +clothes, sparkling jewels, an opera box. But his presents were insults +in disguise, and I left him. + + [_Loud applause._ + +_Pater._ I did not insult you by handing you too many gifts, BRIDGET? + +_Mater._ Indeed you did not, RICHARD. In fact, I think you carried +your abstention too far. + +_Pater._ Not at all. See, after these many years, we are devoted to +one another! + +_Angelina_ (_aside_). Failure of Marriage Number Two! Weddings seem to +be mistake! + + (_Two hours pass._) + +_Third Heroine._ I tell you, my Lord Bishop, that I have never +regretted leaving you. Twenty years ago you were a young curate, +and you spoilt our married life by your indulgence. You let me have +everything I wanted. No, my Lord, I will hear no more. + +_Angelina_ (_aside_). Another matrimonial failure! I really must have +a good think over it. + +_Pater._ (_to_ Mater.). Well, I hope you are satisfied! + +_Mater._ (_to_ Pater.). Awfully depressing, but I don't see what harm +it can do to anyone. + + (_An hour passes._) + +_Angelina_ (_writing in her own room_). "Dear EDWIN, I call you by +your christian name, for the last time. I can never be yours. I am +convinced from all I have heard that marriage is a failure. Sincerely +yours, ANGELINA." + + [_Scene closes in upon a flood of tears._ + + * * * * * + +HEXAMETERS TO DATE; AND A PREHISTORIC PEEP. + + [Mr. FLINDERS PETRIE has just excavated the city of Ombi on + the Nile, and vindicated JUVENAL'S geographical reputation.] + + _ECCE novi'st aliquid_ (_per FLINDERS PETRIE Magistrum_) + _Ex Africa semper!_ Quite like some arch-humourist rum, + Playing with tombs and skulls, he unearths fresh funny surprises, + Scandals of Athor's "past," or long-veiled secrets of Isis. + Now this gravedigger-_Yorick_, this Egypt's new ABERCROMBY, + Scores yet another conquest--he's found out JUVENAL'S Ombi, + Found out the next-door neighbours of Nile-washed Tentyra (you will + See in the Fifteenth Satire their truceless, truculent duel). + Thus they lived some ages B.C. (in the thirtieth cent'ry), + Cannibals, six feet high, and long-legged Libyan gentry, + Buried _a la_ trussed fowl, with heads on which wavy brown hair + rose; + These were the folk who once made things pretty hot for the + PHARAOHS. + Dig then, PETRIE, away 'mid potsherds, mummies, and cinders, + Delve on, and add fresh towns to the underground kingdom of + FLINDERS! + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +Hearty congratulations from the Baron and his assistants to Mr. H. W. +LUCY on his delightful life of Mr. GLADSTONE (W. H. ALLEN & Co). +No one certainly has had better opportunities than TOBY, M.P., for +studying the great statesman in all his varying moods; and it may be +affirmed with equal certainty that no other man (or dog) could have +used his opportunities to greater advantage for the benefit of the +public. There are in this little volume a tone of easy yet scholarly +courtesy, a fine literary touch, and a marvellous power of condensing +details into one vividly descriptive sentence. It is an admirable +piece of work, which, seeing that it only costs a shilling, ought to +be sure of a popularity fully equal to its high merits. + +"Bravo TOBY!" says + +[Illustration: THE BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.] + + * * * * * + +CHANGE OF DESCRIPTIVE TITLE.--In the Egyptian explorations, the +results of which, so far, have been recently given in Professor +PETRIE'S lecture, reported in the _Times_ of Thursday, April 18, the +lecturer tells us how he was accompanied in his researches by Mr. +GRENFELL, "The Craven Fellow." How doubly plucky of Professor PETRIE +to proceed with such a companion so extraordinarily timorous as is +expressed in such a _sobriquet_ as "The Craven Fellow." However, he +belied his name by showing such pluck and perseverance in rendering +assistance to the Professor as will entitle him to explain himself +as "_Late_ the Craven Fellow," but _now_ "the C. F., or Courageous +Fellow." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE JAP IN THE CHINA SHOP. + +_Master of the Situation_ (_loq._). "NOW THEN, YOU PIG-HEADED OLD +PIGTAIL, OPEN YOUR SHOP--AND HAND ME THE KEYS!"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SCORCHING. + +_First Countryman_ (_to third-rate Amateur Jock, whose mount won't +have the Fence_). "NOW THEN, SHOVE 'IM AT IT AGIN, MISTER! WHOI DENGED +IF OI WOULDN'T JUMP THAT 'ERE LITTLE PLACE WI' A JACKASS!" + +_Second Countryman._ "MAYBE YER WOULD, MA LAD; BUT YER SEE THAT 'ERE +'OSS DON'T SEEM TO CARE ABOUT JUMPING WI' A JACKASS!"] + + * * * * * + +THE JAP IN THE CHINA SHOP; OR, THE NEW "OPEN SESAME." + + ["China, properly opened up, would be an El Dorado for + mankind.... The true conquest effected by the war is the + conquest of the right to a market, and that apparently on an + enormous scale." + + _"Daily News" on the terms of Peace between China and Japan._] + + +_Little Jap loquitur_:-- + + Come, wake up, old chap! I'm the go-ahead Jap. + _Open Sesame!_ Yes, that's the word, JOHN! + In your den you would stop, or e'en shut up your shop, + Your proceedings are highly absurd, JOHN! + Spite your bounce and your boast, I have got you on toast, + And thereby, friend JOHN, hangs a _big_ tale. + When your carcase I'd wake, I have only to take + A sailor's round turn at your pigtail! + Your notion of shopkeeping's shutter and key. + Since you don't know their use, hand 'em over to _Me_! + + For thousands of years your pride and your fears + Have muddled your market completely. + Ah! would you, old slug? But a twist and a tug + Bring you up to your bearings most sweetly. + 'Tis no use to kick! You will have to move slick, + Now you've got in the hands of Young Jappy; + Don't you get in a scare for your crockery ware. + Rouse up, open shop, and be happy! + Afraid? Superstitious? Oh, fiddle-de-dee! + Throw open your markets, and leave it to _Me_! + + For ever so long you've been going all wrong. + Your Empire is under a shadow; + But well opened up, by ships, railways, and KRUPP, + It will turn out a true El Dorado. + _Don't_ fly to your door! Eh? your pigtail is sore? + You think me a cocky invader? + Why you'll find in the end I'm your very best friend, + When I force you to be a free trader. + Blow your grandfather's bunkum, you Heathen Chinee! + Take down all your shutters, and hand _me_ the key! + + For _my_ use alone? you inquire with a groan. + Oh, dear! you _must_ be an old duffer! + Excuse me this wink,--but what do _you_ think? + Do you hold "Outside Devils" will suffer + The Flowery Land to be locked by my hand, + Any more than by yours, in their faces? + Pig-headed old Pigtail, I fancy I know + How to get into Europe's good graces. + So pay up my millions, you Heathen Chinee! + Throw open your market, and _hand me the key_! + + * * * * * + +"STRANGE DISAPPEARANCES." + +The four strangers were gathered together in the all-but-deserted +inn. They were forced to enter into conversation, because the solitary +periodical taken in by the landlord had been read from title to +imprint by everyone of them. + +"A strange article," said the first, as he laid down the _Lancet_. +"And so men disappear entirely for awhile, and then come back to their +homes and profession as if nothing had happened." + +"Extraordinary," murmured the second. "I see that the scientific +publication you have just relinquished suggests that the cause +of these hurried exits partake of the nature of post-epileptic +phenomena." And then the talk went on. The four strangers dined +together, supped together, and on the following morning partook in +company of breakfast. The waiter, at about eleven o'clock, presented +each of them with a note. It came from the landlord, and was full of +figures. A weird look appeared on their faces. + +"We must move on," said one of the quartette; "but as the staircase is +steep, let us descend by the window." + +The no-longer-perplexed strangers adopted the suggestion, and gently +sliding down a rope, were soon quit of the inn. They walked together +for about a quarter of a mile, and then coming to four cross-roads, +scattered. + +"Dear me," said the landlord of the inn, when he once again found +himself alone. "Their disappearance is most strange. I am inclined +to agree with the _Lancet_, 'that the phenomenon remains striking +and mysterious, interesting in its psychological aspect, but in its +concrete form full of practical and medico-legal difficulties;' and, +believing this, I must write to the proper authorities." And he sat +down and composed two letters. One he addressed to the President of +the Royal College of Physicians, and the other to the Editor of _Hue +and Cry_. + + * * * * * + +BLIND ALLEY-GORIES. + +BY DUNNO WAeHRIAR. + +(_Translated from the original Lappish by Mr. Punch's own Hyperborean +Enthusiast._) + +NO. II.--THE ILLUSTRIOUS STRANGER. + +The sky was darkened by swart birds, with tufted tails, and a look in +their clay-coloured eyes as of millions of stifled croaks; the rain +fell in grizzled sheets like the streaming hair and beard of some +Titanic lunatic, and the thunder boomed over the town as if it had +just discovered another epoch-making novel. + +Night fell; I lit my lamp and closed the shutters, drew my curtains, +so as to shut out any gleaming cats' eyes that might be peering at me +through the chinks, and mixed myself a tumbler of hot punch. + +As I finished it, a wild piercing shriek rose from the universe, as +though someone had run a pin into the Great Unknown, and a shining +blue-white ball came down the chimney and burnt a hole in the +yellow-green gloom of my hearthrug. + +I looked up; a strange man was sitting right in front of me. His +crested hair had a blue-white gleam, like the electric light in a +mountain hotel when the storm is nearly ended; it stuck out in a +spiral fringe round his cheeks and chin; his mouth was prim like a +purse; but his spectacles twinkled with laughter like the new ferrule +on a gingham umbrella. + +"I am the Shaker of Society's Pillars, I have discovered that the Tree +of Knowledge of Good and Evil bears nothing but rotten apples. There +are milestones on the Bergen road--but I can see through most of them. +I am the New Generation knocking at the old stage-door. I am also +the Dramatiser of Social Conundrums to which there will never be any +answer." + +Time passed--a second or an hour. I began to wish he would go. + +"I am the great Wizard that has ennobled and purified Humanity by +showing that they are all the morbid victims of a diseased heredity. +The great fire at Christiania was _not_ the fire in which _Mrs. +Solness's_ nine dolls were burnt. I am he who has emancipated Woman by +convincing her that she has the _right_ to be hysterical." + +Again time passed--an hour or a second. I fancy I must have dropped +off to sleep. + +[Illustration: "I fancy I must have dropped off to sleep."] + +"I am he who has broken through the conventions of the +well-constructed drama. When we lived at Drontheim, BERNICK'S gander +was stolen by tinkers. I am the original eld, and also the child who +instructs the grandmotherly critic in the art of sucking problematic +eggs; but I, too, am a master-builder of magnificent bathos." + +And again time passed--a second or an hour. I wondered whether he had +come to stay the night. + +"Read, I am called 'dramatic'; acted, I am called 'impossible.'" + +With that the cock crew. The stranger had flown before I had an +opportunity of asking him his name or asking him to look in again some +evening. + +I was rather sorry, for he seemed to have a flow of agreeable small +talk, though it was perhaps a little egotistic. + + * * * * * + +THE WOULD-BE SOLDIER'S VADE MECUM. + +_Question._ Why did you become a member of a Volunteer corps? + +_Answer._ With the intention of strengthening our national defences. + +_Q._ Then you think such a proceeding patriotic? + +_A._ Not only patriotic, but necessary. + +[Illustration] + +_Q._ You probably have some recollection of the French collapse in +1870-71? + +_A._ Yes; but I have been chiefly influenced by considerations of a +mathematical character. + +_Q._ Make your meaning plainer. + +_A._ I mean that it stands to reason that as only a small percentage +of our people are trained to arms, and ninety-six per cent of our +neighbours are converted into soldiers, the latter, in the case of a +quarrel with us, would have the upper hand. + +_Q._ And you think a quarrel entailing the arbitration of the sword +might be sprung upon us at any moment? + +_A._ Precisely; that is entirely my opinion. + +_Q._ And, consequently, you take a serious view of Volunteering? + +_A._ Assuredly, or I would not give up most of my leisure time to +master drill in all its branches. + +_Q._ Do you obtain any social advantages by wearing the uniform of a +Volunteer? + +_A._ No; on the contrary, the grade of a private in the long run +causes considerable expense; and the commission of an officer is +inseparable from large expenditure and a loss of self-respect. + +_Q._ Why is the holding of a commission of a Volunteer officer +"inseparable from a loss of self-respect"? + +_A._ Because, in the general estimation, the holder of a commission in +the Volunteers is worthy of ridicule, pity, or contempt. + +_Q._ Can you give the reason for this impression? + +_A._ It is probable that it has been created by the consideration +that a Volunteer officer is chaffed by his friends, sneered at by his +enemies, and mulcted of much money by his comrades. + +_Q._ Then a Volunteer officer or private usually joins the force from +the most patriotic of motives? + +_A._ Certainly. Nine-tenths of the rank and file and their commanding +officers wish to qualify as soldiers capable of repelling a foreign +invasion. + +_Q._ And this being so, they do not wish to spend three or four days +of training in practising "marches past" and other man[oe]uvres of a +more or less ornamental character? + +_A._ Quite so; not even when the practice terminates with a review in +a royal park, and a salute performed to the strains of the National +Anthem. + +_Q._ Nor do the Volunteers desire to be made into a raree show? + +_A._ Not even to make a cockney Bank Holiday. + +_Q._ And if you are told that this is the sort of thing that the +Volunteers want, what do you reply? + +_A._ Nonsense. + +_Q._ And if it were added that more serious work would be unpopular, +what would be your suggestion? + +_A._ Try and see. + + * * * * * + +MEM. FOR VETOISTS.--It is the question of "tied" houses which makes +the compensation question so knotty. + + * * * * * + +RAILWAY BALLADS. + +I.--THE EXPRESS TRAIN. + + A gruesome tale I tell of the + West-Eastern Railway Companee. + "Its virtues few, its faults a score"-- + (I quote the view held heretofore). + + The chief among its faults, you see, + Is sad unpunctualitee. + Now, gentles all, list what befel + AUGUSTUS HALL, of Camberwell. + + The Fates were stern, the world unkind; + And this, I learn, unhinged his mind. + _Che sara, sara!_ Think how sad! + His evil star it drove him mad! + + "If life has no more joy to give," + Quoth he, "I'll go and cease to live. + Nor yet delay an hour to dine, + But straightway lay me on the line. + + "The train now due will end distress-- + So haste thee, Two o'clock Express!" + With that he'd gone, nor stayed to snack; + But climbed upon the railway-track. + + He waited now two hours--not less; + And yet, I vow, came no express! + And he had nought his pangs to ease. + He wished he'd brought some bread and cheese. + + He had to fast. He fain would sup. + The hours flew past. He sate him up. + "'Tis strangely late. I should not mind-- + I'd gladly wait--if I had dined. + + "If I'd a joint that I could carve, + I'd strain a point; but here to starve!! + May I be hung if e'er I see + Such gross unpunctualitee! + + "No gentleman can now depend + On any plan to plan his end." + Twelve hours or more he waited thus. + "A train?" he swore; "an _omnibus!_ + + "It tarries yet all through the night, + And helps to whet my appetite!" + His hunger grew inside his chest; + With nought to chew, he was--_non est_. + + Two days pass by, and then we find + The train draw nigh, three days behind! + Directors sigh, deplore, and frown; + And fine the driver half-a-crown. + + "But had I been on time," JACK said, + "HALL'S death, I ween, were on my head." + "Quite true, good JACK! Our conscience pricks. + We hand you back your two-and-six!" + +_Envoi._ + + Now that is all I have to tell + Of Mr. HALL, of Camberwell. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THESE DULL TIMES. + +_Lady Gushton_ (_always so agreeable_). "AND THE MAGNIFICENT PICTURES +YOU HAD HERE LAST YEAR,--HAVE YOU GOT THEM ALL STILL?" + +_Mr. Flake Whyte_ (_sadly_). "YES; I HAVE THEM ALL." + +_Lady Gushton._ "HOW VERY NICE! IT IS SO HARD TO PART WITH ONE'S OWN +PICTURES, IS IT NOT?" + +_Mr. Flake Whyte_ (_with much feeling_). "AWFULLY, AWFULLY HARD! +SOMETIMES IMPOSSIBLE!"] + + * * * * * + +ROBERT AND THE COUNTY COUNSELLS. + +BROWN and me has been a having sum rare good fun lately. We has +managed to see and hear a good deal about the County Counsellers, and +werry emusing we finds em to be. They suttenly does manage to quarrell +among each other more than I shood have thort posserbel. There's +a depperty Counseller among em who will tork whenever he gets a +hoppertunity, yes and keeps the pot a biling, as BROWN says, for +nearly arf a nour at a time, and then finds hisself beaten into a +cocked at, and so has to sit down, while the others has a jolly larf. + +[Illustration] + +Ever so many on em belongs to the Tems Conserwancy, and so we are +offen hearing of their going up the River, when there's two much water +there, and hoffering to show the poor natives how to get a lot of +it away, but from what I hears they don't seem for to be werry +sucksessful. + +Too or three on em went to the Boat Race the other day and took ever +so many Ladies with em, and jolly nice dinners they had on bord after +the Race was over and there wasn't no more fear of no more rane, which +had rayther spylt the morning. + +It's reel good fun to hear the Counsellors tork about the Copperation +nowadays! such a difference to what it was about a year ago! Then it +was all bragging and boasting, now it's all begging your pardon, and +arsking your grace, and it shant occur again! I never thort to see +such a change, and it's really werry emusing. The two places where +they speshally seems not at all at their ease are the Court of Common +Counsel and the Manshun House; and in both of these honnerd places +the few as wenters in do look uncumferal indeed! and the reel natives +don't show them no pitty! not a bit of it, but takes a quiet larf +whenever they gits a good chance. + +I've herd as one of the Counsellors has been herd to say as there are +no less than three on em in the House of Commons, each of em quite +equal to the late Speaker, if not shuperior to him, and that it was +only beggarly jealousy as prewented them giving them a fare chance! + +The same honorable Gent has been herd to say that the County +Counsellors was much shuperior to the City Copperation, for it was +only last Toosday as they agreed, without a word of remonsterance, to +raise no less than two millions of money from next year's rates! + +I wunder if it's all trew! + +ROBERT. + + * * * * * + +THE NEWEST NUISANCE.--The woman with a past before her. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT. + +"COOT-NIGHT, MRS. PROWN. I HAF TO SANK YOU FOR DE MOST BLEASANT +EFENING I HAF EFFER SCHBENT IN MY LIFE!" + +"OH, DON'T SAY THAT, HERR SCHMIDT!" + +"ACH! BOT I _DO_ SAY DAT! I _ALVAYS_ SAY DAT!"] + + * * * * * + +THE NEW CONDUCTOR. + +["You have been elected by a majority of the House. You are the +representative of the whole House."--_Report of the Right Hon. Arthur +Balfour's speech on the election of Mr. Gully as Speaker._] + +_Mr. Punch to Mr. Speaker._ + + If the Second Fiddle's satisfied, you're all right with the First! + The Harp may heed your _baton_, and as for the Big Drum, + When it booms out on the night with a loud sonorous burst, + That makes the whole proscenium shake and hum; + What matter if the clatter, and the bang and bump and batter, + Keep but time? + If they're docile to your nod, and obedient to your rod, + The New Conductor's post will be prime! + + The Orchestra has doubtless been a little bit at odds, + And what should bring forth harmony has fallen into row; + But, good gracious! there were shines sometimes among the Olympian gods, + And the noisy ones look milk and honey _now_. + The brazen and the windy both outdid Wagnerian shindy, + For a while; + Now there's calm at wings and middle, and even the First Fiddle + Veils his virtuous indignation with a smile: + + The _tutti_ did go wrong, all the parts appeared at strife, + They liked the Old Conductor, were in doubt about the New; + And WH-TBR-D'S tootling piccolo, and WH-RT-N'S wry-neck'd fife, + Went decidedly a little bit askew. + But, in spite of blare and blether, they're now going well together, + String and reed, + Parchment, and wood, and brass; and it yet may come to pass + That the New Conductor's _debut_ will succeed. + + The Old Conductor's style was perfection, there's no doubt, + Impossible to beat, and extremely hard to follow; + But the new one seems to know pretty well what he's about. + A Mercury _can_ play, though no Apollo. + So let us cheer all round, as he makes his bow profound! + Tap, tap, tap! + Go the fiddle-bows, in proof that, while welcome shakes the roof, + The orchestra agree to cheer and clap! + + Sir, that St. Stephen's Orchestra is mighty hard to lead: + Needs mastery, and dignity, and coolness, and fine ear, + Great was the _baton_-wielder 'tis your fortune to succeed; + But tackle your big task, Sir, without fear! + _Punch_ trusts the name of GULLY on Fame's roll will not shine dully + At the end! + Now tune up string and bow, let the New Conductor know + That he finds in each performer a fair friend! + + * * * * * + +PARTY POLITICS. + +_First Man_ (_conciliatory_). You're a Tory? + +_Second Man_ (_also conciliatory_). Well, no. I'm a Unionist. Yes, a +Unionist. Certainly I don't approve of Home Rule---- + +_First Man._ Don't say that. I think well of Home Rule. + +_Second Man._ Oh, do you? Well, I agree with the Liberals in some +ways. + +_First Man._ Come to that, in some ways I agree with the Tories. Now +take Disestablishment. + +_Second Man._ Ah, that's just one point where I disagree with the +Liberals. + +_First Man._ Well, you may be right. But I should be a Tory if they +supported Home Rule. + +_Second Man._ And I should be a Liberal if they didn't want +Disestablishment. + +_First Man._ Now, CHAMBERLAIN---- + +_Second Man._ Ah, yes. CHAMBERLAIN---- + +_First Man._ He opposes Home Rule. + +_Second Man._ He supports Disestablishment. + + [_Left mutually abusing_ Mr. CHAMBERLAIN + + * * * * * + +FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE.--"The LORD LIEUTENANT was present at +Punchestown for the races. His Excellency and the house party from +the Viceregal Lodge, which included TOBY, M.P., met with a hearty +reception." Naturally. If TOBY, M.P. was not made welcome at _Punch's_ +town, who should be? + + * * * * * + +CITY NOTES.--_The latest Crushing Report._--The Londonderry Mine. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE NEW CONDUCTOR. + +"YOU HAVE BEEN ELECTED BY A MAJORITY OF THE HOUSE. YOU ARE THE +REPRESENTATIVE OF THE WHOLE HOUSE." + +_Report of the Right Hon. Arthur Balfour's speech on the election of +Mr. Gully as Speaker._] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A BUSINESS ANNOUNCEMENT.] + + * * * * * + +TRADE BETRAYED. + +_Returned Anglo-Indian Colonel_ (_to friend of his boyhood_). Either +your climate is colder than it used to be, or your coals throw out +less heat. Which is it? + +_His Friend._ Oh, it's the coals. Rubbishy things, rather. Come from +Tomsk in Siberia. + +_R. A.-I. C._ Siberia! They ought to be sent there! But aren't English +coals good enough? + +_His Friend._ Oh, yes, they're _good_ enough. But then, you see, +they're dear. That's the result of the last coal strike. + +_R. A.-I. C._ Oh, I heard about that at Bangalore. Then how about your +razors? I bought one yesterday in the Strand. If you believe me, I've +only used it once and it's blunt already. + +_His Friend._ "Made in Germany," no doubt. The trade's gone over +there, they say. + +_R. A.-I. C._ And boots, now. Why has the pair I got in the City a +month ago split open in two places? + +_His Friend._ _That's_ the late boot strike. Cheap American goods have +ousted the genuine British article. + +_R. A.-I. C._ (_meditatively_). Ah--heard of the boot strike too at +Bangalore. But I didn't find my bootmaker charged me any less than in +the old days for 'em. Tell you what, there's only one thing that will +save England. + +_His Friend._ What's that? + +_R. A.-I. C._ Why, a new kind of strike altogether. Why shouldn't the +strikers _strike striking?_ Eh? + +_His Friend._ That never struck me. + + [_They part pensively._ + + * * * * * + +MY PIPE. + + I do not now attempt to sing, + With laudatory phrases, + That now, in verse, quite hackneyed thing, + Which poet, painter praises: + Beloved by TURNER, CLAUDE, or CUYP, + The excellent tobacco-pipe. + + Nor yet of bagpipes do I write, + Pan's pipes with Punch and Judy, + Or organ ones, because you might + Read books on them, from MUDIE, + In varied tongues, in varied type-- + On any sort of music pipe. + + Nor, plagued of late however much + By bronchial affections, + Do I propose just now to touch, + With medical reflections, + On what Jack Frost delights to gripe, + My choking, wheezing, sore wind-pipe, + + Nor am I speaking now of wine, + Nor yet, from MARRYAT learning, + Of what the Cockney would define-- + Poor A as ever spurning-- + "The sime in nime, but not in shipe," + The pipe of port; the boatswain's pipe. + + No! Now I sing--but not with praise, + To praise it would be rummer + Than any other sort of craze, + Excepting in a plumber; + I am not such a fool, a "snipe," + As says the Bard--my water-pipe. + + For weeks I could not get a drop + Of water, it was frozen; + When thus congealed the thing would stop, + I spoke as would a boatswain. + For seamen's oaths the time was ripe, + I here translate them--Hang that pipe! + + Then suddenly, of course at night, + There came a sudden splashing, + And I, in most unequal fight, + About my bedroom dashing, + With sheets and towels tried to wipe, + Or check, the flood from that vile pipe. + + You would not say that frost is fine, + So exquisitely bracing, + If you had had a pipe like mine, + Your ruined home defacing; + On carpet, stain; on paper, stripe;-- + Oh, blow that beastly water-pipe! + + * * * * * + +SONG OF THE PEACE TERMS (SUNG TO CHINA).--"Oh, Let us be Jappy +together!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: PARLIAMENTARY "LIBERTY MEN" COMING ABOARD AFTER TEN +DAYS' LEAVE.] + + * * * * * + +A SONG OF SPRING. + + Oh, painters, you who always "come + Before the swallow dares, and take + The winds of March"--till May--with some + Atrocious smell of paint, and make + The streets in such a shocking state, you + Are quite a nuisance--how I hate you! + + How can I wear in peace a neat, + Silk hat, and coat of decent black, + When, passing you in any street, + Your paint may tumble on my back, + Or I may smash, which might be sadder, + My hat against your sloping ladder? + + How can the spring delight my mind, + How can I like the budding trees, + The butterflies of any kind? + A Painted Lady could not please + In any way the mental man, + Were I a painted gentleman. + + How can I like the balmy air, + How dream of violets in bloom, + When paint-pots swing aloft and scare + With visions of impending doom? + I'm mad and hot--quite crimson madder-- + With dodging each successive ladder. + + * * * * * + +TO A BANTLING. + +(_Lines written to a Lady who "Banted."_) + + Some rhymes to make you laugh? I can't + Drop, Wegg-like, into rhyme instanter. + It's easiness itself to bant, + Comparatively hard to banter. + + The many pretty things I'd say, + The pleasant thoughts I'd like to utter, + I may not do, it seems to-day-- + You scorn the bare idea of _butter!_ + + "Sweets to the sweet." Not long ago, + Why chocolates--you'd gladly greet them. + Now you've abandoned them, and so + You never (hardly ever) eat them. + + To see you drink hot water--that + The very stoniest heart would soften, + You evidently think it flat, + You're in it--aren't you--much too often? + + Yet whether 9st. 12, as when + You weighed that day at Margate Station, + Or 10st. 7, or 7st. 10, + _I_ can't pretend to indignation. + + To bant from early morn till late + May be, of course, supremely right of you; + But if you feel oppressed by weight, + Would it not do if we made light of you? + + Though that I swear I will not do, + Let others, if they like, make bold to-- + I merely write these rhymes for you, + I _always_ do just what I'm told to! + + But if you cease to peak and pine + (For Time the Banting Conscience hardens), + You will not fail to drop a line-- + My chambers are in Temple Gardens. + + * * * * * + +SEXOMANIA. + +_By an Angry Old Buffer._ + + "When ADAM delved and EVE span," + No one need ask which was the man. + Bicycling, footballing, scarce human, + All wonder now "Which is the woman?" + But a new fear my bosom vexes; + To-morrow there may be _no_ sexes! + Unless, as end to all the pother, + Each one in fact becomes the other. + E'en _then_ perhaps they'll start amain + A-trying to change back again! + Woman _was_ woman, man _was_ man, + When ADAM delved and EVE span. + Now he can't dig and she won't spin, + Unless 'tis tales all slang and sin! + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: DOMESTIC TROUBLES. + +"WHAT IS IT, NURSE?" + +"IF YOU PLEASE, MA'AM, THE CHILDREN _WILL_ MAKE SLIDES ON THE FLOOR +WITH TAPIOCA PUDDING!"] + + * * * * * + +OSTRICH FEATHERS. + + ["The magnificent ostrich at the Zoological Gardens, presented + by the QUEEN, has recently died from lung-disease."--_Daily + Paper._] + + My eyes are wet with dewy tears, + That will not cease to flow. + Like MARY'S little lamb, my grief + Somehow is sure to go + Wherever I do. It all comes + From something that I've read, + The ostrich that I loved so well + Fell ill, and now is dead. + + "Magnificent" indeed, it was. + I never ceased to take + A pride in its magnificence + For its own special sake. + But added unto this there was + An extra joy. I mean + That loyalty asks ardour for + A present from the QUEEN. + + Oh! ostrich. I have often thought + Your smile childlike and bland, + And speculated if it's true + That right down in the sand + You really _do_ conceal your head. + But even though that's wrong, + It seems without a lung for life + You could not live for long. + + My wife and I delight to hear + Our wee girl's merry laugh, + As she's astride the elephant + Or feeding the giraffe. + But ostrich--regal, lung-gone, dead! + When we are at the Zoo, + My wife's best hat will always serve + To turn my thoughts to you. + + * * * * * + +CARMENCITA. + +(_An Impression._) + +[Illustration] + + "O east is east, and west is west + And never the twain shall meet." + And the dance of Spain is one of the twain + To the English Man in the Street. + + We love the trick of the lofty kick + And the muscular display + Of the nymph who has leapt at a muslin hoop + And stopp'd in her flight half-way. + + A plain, blunt girl in the stormy swirl + Of accordion pleats and laces, + Tho' she cannot dance, if she spin and prance, + Is numbered among the Graces. + + For heel and toe our hearts can glow + And the feats of the rhythmic clog, + And a poem of motion wells forth in the notion + Of a Serpentine Dancing Dog. + + But the dancer's art, of her life a part, + A song of the wordless soul + With a tale to tell, like the music's swell, + Too large for the word's control, + + _That_ goes not down in London town + Where dogg'd conventions stick, + And dancers still must charm with frill, + Or "make shymnastic drick." + + As the jungle king with his wrathful spring, + To the lamb that aptly bleats, + As the trumpet's blare to the palsied air + Of that which plays in pleats, + + So is east to west, with its sun-born zest, + With fire at the quick heart's core, + And passions bold as the ardent gold + Of the sun on a southern shore. + + * * * * * + +THE BALLAD OF THE KAISER'S MERCY. + +(_In brief._) + + "The sovereign'st thing on earth + Was parmaceti, for an inward bruise." + + _Henry the Fourth_, Part I., Act i., Sc. 3. + + A quarrel, anything but pretty, + Cannot be healed by parmaceti. + But honour, bruised in the leg, + Finds sovereign solace in an egg. + + * * * * * + +REFLECTIONS OF A STATESMAN. + +_Saturday._--Things looking queer. Leamington in a ferment, Tories +denouncing _me_. Like their impudence. Must order ARTHUR BALFOUR to +stop this nonsense, and bring rebels to reason. I shall want Hythe +thrown into the bargain. BALFOUR must write more letters. If our +little lot are to get nothing out of all this, what's the use of +having sacrificed principles and COURTNEY? Obviously none. JESSE +COLLINGS quite agrees. Says the Tories will repent, when it is too +late, of having refused to submit to the greatest, wisest, most +generous and noblest statesman of this or any other age, past +or future. Wonderful amount of sense in JESSE. Shall make him +Governor-General of India, or First Lord of Admiralty. + +[Illustration] + +_Monday._--Have seen BALFOUR. Says he can do nothing at Leamington. +Wanted me to withdraw Liberal Unionist candidate. ME! The mere notion +ridiculous. Told him so. Also asked him how about Compact. He said +"Compact be ----". At this moment GOSCHEN came in, and interrupted. +BALFOUR said missing word was "observed." GOSCHEN full of sympathy, +but said he could do nothing. Shall not allow him to be Chancellor of +Exchequer again. Shall be Chancellor of Exchequer myself. Letter +in _Times_ from GEOFFREY DRAGE, saying kind things about me. Rather +patronising, but well meant. Shall make DRAGE Home Secretary. + +_Tuesday._--Letter in _Times_ from Lord TEYNHAM attacking me on +account of vote on Welsh Disestablishment. Even a fool of a lord +might know a man can't wriggle out of everything, and can't please +everybody. Have written to SALISBURY ordering him to throw TEYNHAM +into the Tower as soon as Unionist Government in power. If he refuses, +shall accept Premiership myself and execute TEYNHAM on Tower Hill. +Leamington still raging. If this goes on shall march at head of +Birmingham Fencibles and rase Leamington to the ground--all except +three houses said to belong to Liberal Unionists. That'll teach them +to oppose _me_. + +_Wednesday._--Letter in _Times_ from BYRON REED. Says I'm not so bad +as they want to make me out. Nice sensible fellow BYRON. Shall make +him Minister of Agriculture. Have sent ultimatums to SALISBURY, +BALFOUR, AKERS-DOUGLAS, MICHAEL HICKS-BEACH, and CHAPLIN, ordering +them to retire from public life. Shall run the show on entirely +different lines with AUSTEN and JESSE to help me. Have heard from +editor of _New Review_, who refuses to disclose name of author, of an +attack on me. Have sent HENRY JAMES to editor with new patent rack +and thumbscrews. But there, my name's easy. Never could bear malice. +Always forgive everybody.... Notes from SALISBURY, BALFOUR & CO. They +refuse to retire. HENRY JAMES returns. Editor broke rack and threw +thumbscrews out of window. A very rude man, HENRY JAMES says. GULLY +elected Speaker. I'm off to Birmingham. + + * * * + +_Later._--Letter from HART DYKE in the _Times_. A good fellow, HART +DYKE. But why, in the name of screw-nails, should they all presume to +patronise _me?_ + + * * * + +Letter in _Standard_ from STANLEY BOULTER. Must stop that kind of +nonsense. Leading article in _Standard_. Usual futilities: "We fully +recognise loyal services, but on the present occasion," &c. Shall +refuse peerage and retire to Central Australia with JESSE to found a +Me-colony. Sick of the whole show. + + * * * * * + +QUEER QUERY.--ANY ADVANCE?--I see that at the Shop Assistants' +Conference at Cardiff it was said that what shop-workers ought to go +in for was a "Forward Policy." Surely this must be a mistake? If there +is one thing that everybody objects to, it is forward young men and +women behind the counter. One often hears the shop-walker say, "Will +you come forward, Miss JONES, and serve this lady!" And perhaps _that_ +was what the Cardiff people were thinking of. Can this be the true +explanation? I sincerely hope so; I don't want a "forward" young +person, a sort of "independent labour party," slamming down goods for +_me_ to inspect!--ALARMED. + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +108, April 27, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, CHARIVARI, APRIL 27, 1895 *** + +***** This file should be named 44708.txt or 44708.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/7/0/44708/ + +Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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