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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44790 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+Volume 108, May 18th 1895.
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: HOP PROSPECTS.
+
+SAID PULEX THE SKIPPER TO MISS CICADA, "DO YOU EXPECT A GOOD HOPPING
+SEASON THIS YEAR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ODE TO A (LONDON) "LARK."
+
+    (_Some Way after Quisquis._)
+
+  Oh, "lark," which all the "Comiques" sing,
+    And every drunken rowdy pup, too;
+  Sure you're a vicious, vulgar thing
+    As ever toper swigged a cup to.
+
+  Hints of the boozy and the blue
+    Surround you; sodden brains you soften;
+  Yet rhymsters make a song of you,
+    And rowdies sing it--far too often.
+
+  The aim of every loose-lipped lout
+    Appears to be to "lark" divinely;
+  When from his haunts he gets chucked out,
+    He deems his "spree" has ended finely.
+
+  He tracks the "lark"--aye, "like a bird,"
+    Upon the turf, among its "daisies";
+  But, by sweet SHELLEY, 'tis absurd,
+    Foul bird of prey, to pipe your _praises!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A KIND OFFER.--A lady who is not well up in Parliamentary matters
+writes to us saying that she has seen mentioned in the papers "Mr.
+Speaker's Retirement Bill," and would very much like to know what the
+amount is. Her admiration for the late SPEAKER is so great that, our
+fair correspondent goes on to say, she would willingly defray the
+whole amount herself, or if the total be too much for her pocket,
+then would she cheerfully head a subscription list. She is perfectly
+certain that Mr. PEEL was a very moderate man, and therefore the
+entire sum cannot be very startling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RATHER "BOLD ADVERTISEMENT."
+
+    ["Advertisements for some time past have been inserted in
+    Government publications."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+SCENE--_Room of a_ Secretary of State. _Present_ Right Hon. Gentleman
+_attended by his_ Private Secretary.
+
+_Right Hon. Gentleman._ Well, TENTERFORE, anything for me this
+morning?
+
+_Private Secretary._ I think not. You will find that I have worked out
+the answers to to-day's questions--the list is not a very heavy one,
+only a couple of dozen queries or thereabouts.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ That's right. Such a lot of time is wasted in that
+sort of thing. And has anyone come for me?
+
+_Priv. Sec._ No one of importance. A fellow with a new invention or
+something of that sort. Said you were extremely busy just now, but
+that if he would write, his letter would receive the attention of the
+department.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Was he satisfied?
+
+_Priv. Sec._ (_smiling_). Well, I fear not entirely. I think he must
+have had some experience of Government offices. He said he preferred
+to see you personally.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_amused_). I daresay he would. Anyone else?
+
+_Priv. Sec._ Only a man about advertisements.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_aghast_). You did not send _him_ away?
+
+_Priv. Sec._ Well, no. I believe he is still in the waiting-room. But
+surely you don't want to see him?
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Of course I do. A most important person. Send a
+messenger for him at once. (_Exit_ Private Secretary.) That's the
+worst of TENTERFORE--so impulsive! Means well, but so very impulsive!
+(_Knock._) Ah, here comes my visitor. (_Enter stranger._) My very dear
+Sir, I am delighted to see you. (_He shakes hands warmly and
+provides him with an arm-chair._) I am sorry you should have been
+detained--quite a mistake.
+
+_Stranger_ (_surprised_). You are most kind. I come about some
+advertisements.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ I know, my dear Sir, I know. Now what can I tempt
+you with? You arrive at a most fortunate moment. We are thinking of
+letting the sides of our cruisers for posters. The Mediterranean fleet
+will be a most excellent medium. We can do sixteen double crowns at
+a very reasonable rate; of course the Admiral's flag-ship would be a
+trifle extra. Is your leading article soap, pickles, or hair-dye?
+
+_Stranger._ I am afraid you do not understand me.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Oh yes, I do; but, if you object to marine
+advertisements, I think we can suit you on land. We have several
+commanding positions on the colours of some of the most popular
+regiments in the service vacant. (_Showing plans._) You see we can
+insert type--we object to blocks--on the material without interfering
+with the badges or the victories. A most admirable medium, I assure
+you.
+
+_Stranger._ You really are in error. I wish to say----
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_interrupting_). Yes, I know. You think that
+something would be better. Well, we can put advertisements on the
+backs of all petitions presented to Parliament, and let you out
+hoardings in front of the more prominent of the Government offices.
+How would that suit you?
+
+_Stranger._ Really, you must allow me to explain. Advertisements
+of matters interesting to mariners--such as notices of wrecks--are
+inserted solely in the _London Gazette_ and----
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Ah, you are thinking of the sky signs. Well, of
+course, we might utilise the lighthouses, but we have not quite made
+up our minds whether such a course might not cause confusion in misty
+weather.
+
+_Stranger._ I was going to propose that the Government might feel
+inclined to insert the advertisements to which I have referred in a
+paper with which I am connected, and which is extensively circulated
+amongst seafaring men.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_astounded_). You want _me_ to give _you_ an
+advertisement! No, Sir; now that we have taken up advertisements we
+insert them and don't give them out. (_Enter_ Private Secretary.) Mr.
+TENTERFORE, be so good as to explain to this gentleman that my time is
+valuable.
+
+    [_Scene closes in upon the_ Secretary of State _performing the
+    now rather miscellaneous duties appertaining to his office._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRIEF STAY IN LONDON OF THE EMINENT FRENCH NOVELIST.--He has not quite
+mastered our idioms, but he has made a pun in English, when saying,
+"_J'y suis, moi, Daudet; je pars demain_," _i.e._, "I am here
+_Do-day_, and gone to-morrow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTION.--"_The Attaree Khat Tea Co._" is a nice name. Why
+not follow with the "_Attaree Khat and Kitten Milk Co._"? Very
+attaree-active to some pussons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO (ADDRESSED TO FLUTES, HAUTBOYS, &C.) FOR CONDUCTOR OF THE
+STRAUSS ORCHESTRA.--"STRAUSS shows how the wind is to blow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"INFANT PHENOMENON!"--At Drury Lane, the arduous part of _Don Cæsar_
+in the opera of _Maritana_ was last Friday played by a CHILD!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WORD OF COMMAND FOR HOSPITAL SUNDAY.--"Present Alms!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.
+
+_Algy._ "COME AND DINE WITH ME WITH ME TO-NIGHT, SNOBBINGTON?"
+
+_Snobbington._ "SORRY TO SAY I CAN'T, OLD CHAPPIE. AFRAID I'VE GO TO
+GO AND DINE WITH THAT OLD FOOL, LORD BOREHAM, FOR MY SINS!"
+
+_Lord Boreham_ (_from behind his Newspaper_). "PRAY CONSIDER YOURSELF
+EXCUSED THIS EVENING, MR.----MR.----A--I FIND I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU BY
+SIGHT!"
+
+    [_Which is quite true!_
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRY AND THE NEW WOMAN.
+
+  Dear CHARLIE,--'Ow are you, old shipmate? _I_'ve bin layin' low
+          for a time.
+  'Ard years these 'ere Nineties, my nibs, yus, and bizness 'as bin
+          fur from prime.
+  All grind and no gay galoot, CHARLIE, of late 'as bin _my_ little
+          lot;
+  An' between you and me _and_ the post, I think most things is
+          going to pot!
+
+  It's Newness wot's doing it, CHARLIE! "Lor! _that_'s a rum
+          gospel," sez you.
+  Well, p'raps in your green tooral-looral you don't hear so much of
+          the New;
+  But in town with New Art, and New Women, New Drammer, New Humour,
+          and such,
+  There seems nothink _old_ left in creation, save four-arf, and
+          DANNEL'S old Dutch.
+
+  _She_'s old, and no hapricots, CHARLIE. But DANNEL'S a decentish
+          sort,
+  And the way as _she_ lays down the law about up-to-date woman _is_
+          sport.
+  'Er nutcrackers clitter and clatter; and when she is fair on the
+          shout,
+  Concernin' fresh feminine fashions, you bet it's a reglar knock-out!
+
+  I took LIL, DANNEL'S youngest, larst week to the play, with some
+          tickets I'd got.
+  Well, paperers mustn't be choosers. But oh, mate, of all the
+          dashed rot
+  They ever chucked over the footlights, this 'ere Probblem Play wos
+          the wust!
+  It left me with brain discumfuddled, the blues, and a thundering
+          thust.
+
+  It gave poor LIL 'ARRIS the 'orrors. "Lor, 'ARRY," she sez, coming
+          out,
+  "They've styged it, no doubt, tol-lol-poppish, but wot _is_ the
+          'ole thing about?
+  I feel just as creepy and 'oller, along o' these 'ere warmed-up
+          ghosts,
+  As if I'd bin dining on spiders. Eugh! Let's 'ave a glarss at 'The
+          Posts.'"
+
+  It took two 'ot tiddleys to warm 'er. An' when I was blowin' a cloud
+  A-top o' the tram going 'ome, she sez, "'ARRY," sez she, "_I_
+          ain't proud,
+  But don't tyke me never no more to no New Woman nonsense," sez she.
+  "It's narsty; and not one good snivel _or_ larf in the whole
+          jamboree.
+
+  "I don't call them _people_, I don't." "No; they're probblems,
+          _Lil_, that's wot _they_ are.
+  She-probblem a tearin' 'er 'air, whilst the he-probblem sucks 'is
+          cigar;
+  Two gurl-probblems sniffing at Marriage, that played-out old
+          farce--at sixteen!--
+  I thought we was fair up-to-date, _Lil_, but, bless yer, we're
+          simply pea-green!"
+
+  And when we arrived at Lamb's Conduit Street, old DANNEL 'ARRIS'S
+          shop,
+  His old Dutch got fair on the grind, and when started she's orkud
+          to stop.
+  "New Woman?" sez she. "_She_'s no clarss, LIL, and don't know a
+          mite where she are.
+  Yah! _We_ used to call 'em Old Cats; and a sootabler name, too, by
+          far.
+
+  "There ain't nothink new in _their_ Newness; it's only old garbige
+          warmed up.
+  Mere bubble-and-squeak. The stale taters and greens on which poor
+          people sup
+  Is 'olesome compared with sich offal. Yah! Weddings'll outlast
+          _that_ lot;
+  And while gals is gals the old Eve'll jest make the new evil seem
+          rot."
+
+  The jawsome old guffin wos right, _Charlie_; leastways, she wosn't
+          fur out.
+  Yer female footballers and bikers, as swagger and go on the shout,
+  And spile a good sport _and_ their hancles, are not more complete
+          off the track
+  Than them as "revolt"--agin Nature, and cock their she-bokos--at
+          fack!
+
+  All splutter-sludge, CHARLIE! On styge or on cinder-path, sillypop
+          things
+  As want to play Man and _be_ Woman are trying to fly without wings,
+  Or fight without fistes. Are Men, the world's masters--like you,
+          mate, and Me--
+  To be knocked out by probblems in petticoats? Wot bloomin'
+          fiddle-de-dee!
+
+  The Old Dutch, and young LIL, and myself are all much of a mind on
+          this job.
+  Old 'ARRIS sez men are not in it. _He_ don't mean it, I'll bet a
+          bob.
+  It ain't very likely, not now, that Yours Scrumptiously ever
+          _will_ marry;
+  But _if_ I should tyke a Old Woman, it won't be no New Woman!
+
+  'ARRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Edith._ "I DON'T BELIEVE JACK WILL EVER LEARN TO
+DANCE!"
+
+_Alice_ (_whose dress has suffered_). "WORSE THAN THAT--HE WILL NEVER
+LEARN NOT TO ATTEMPT IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAIR CHILDREN IN GRAFTON STREET.
+
+A splendid show, though some of the children are neither fair nor
+beautiful. Note No. 114, "_The Chinese Boy_," by Sir JOSHUA. He is a
+boy, certainly, but his complexion has a mahogany tinge not usually
+associated with loveliness. CATHERINE DE MEDICIS, if we may judge by
+No. 67, was a plain, decent, housewifely body, with a family of four
+horrors, three male and one female, all of whom, eventually, wore
+a crown. Can it be possible that _La Reine Margot_ ever looked like
+_that?_ If so, the great DUMAS is convicted of gross deceit. For a
+screaming farce in oil, let the visitor look at No. 155, "_The Infant
+Johnson_," by Sir JOSHUA. Some one has evidently suggested to the
+baby lexicographer that he should have a bath. Naturally enough he
+is furious at the idea. "Sir," he seems to say, "let us take a
+perambulator down Fleet Street, or anywhere else, but let us not
+bathe." Can there not be found a companion picture of the mighty
+infant in a cheerful mood, prattling out a "What, nurse, are you for a
+frolic? Then I'm with you." In a case labelled No. 454 are to be seen
+toys, dolls, and playthings found in Children's Tombs in Egypt.
+Here, too, is the "_Mummy of a Baby_." "I see the baby," observed an
+intelligent child-visitor; "but where is its Mummy? _My_ Mummy never
+ties baby up like that."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT DUE NORTH.--The _North British Daily Mail_, referring to the
+rumour that the Prince of WALES may go to New York in the autumn
+to see the contest for the America Cup, says: "There will be better
+racing on the Clyde than there was last year. Let the PRINCE come
+north at midsummer this year." Very likely the race on the Clyde will
+be a good one. But our Scottish contemporary forgets that a visit to
+the United States on the part of H.R.H. would be to the advantage of
+two races--the American and the British. It would be sure to cause
+good feeling on either side of the Atlantic. Why should not Caledonia
+wait?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY OUR OWN CRICKET ON THE HEARTH.--For any ordinary English team to
+attempt tackling the Australian Eleven coming over here next season,
+would show not so much the merit of the team, but its team-erity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRIVILEGE OF THE PRESS.
+
+    SCENE--_Anywhere_. _Present_, BROWN _and_ JONES.
+
+_Brown_ (_perusing paper_). Capital speech of ARTHUR J. BALFOUR at the
+Newspaper Society's Dinner the other evening. His compliments to the
+Press were in every way deserved.
+
+_Jones_ (_also reading a journal_). Quite so. I am glad to see that
+the admirable publication I am now devouring objects to gambling in
+all its branches.
+
+_Brown._ So does this. There is an excellent leader on the fourth page
+exposing the scandals of the Stock Exchange.
+
+_Jones._ And here I find on page two a most earnest attack upon the
+abuses of the turf.
+
+_Brown._ Such intelligent comments should do a world of good.
+
+_Jones._ I am sure of it. I know, speaking for myself, I feel much
+better after perusing a column that might have supplied the pabulum of
+a sermon.
+
+_Brown._ Just my case. It really strengthens one's moral perceptions
+to come across such noble sentiments. Well, as we have both read the
+leaders, let us exchange papers.
+
+_Jones._ With pleasure, only I want just to glance at the latest odds.
+This journal gives the latest information on all matters connected
+with racing and the turf generally.
+
+_Brown._ Just so, that is why I wanted to read it. Well, I must fill
+up the time by looking at the money article. Commend me to the city
+editor of this favourite production when you want to have a gentle
+flutter!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"KEY-NOTES."--In anticipation of H.R.H. the Prince of WALES visiting
+the Isle of Man later in the year, though at present
+
+  The Prince of WALES declines, with thanks,
+  The invitation sent from Manx,
+
+the House of Keys has put every quay on the bunch at His Royal
+Highness's disposal for landing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLOWER SHOWS AND CITY BUSINESS.--"_Preference Stocks._ Chatham Seconds
+_Rose_." What a sweet combination of colour and scent per scent!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXPECTEDNESS.
+
+"Inevitable" is the new cant phrase, and certain phrases _are_
+inevitable, it would seem.
+
+It is inevitable, if you should happen to beg the pardon of one of the
+lower middle class, that he (or more generally _she_) will reply with
+"Granted!"
+
+It is inevitable, if you converse with a young Oxonian of immature
+intellect, that he will murder the QUEEN'S, or (as he would call
+it) Quagger's, English by some such expression as "What a beastly
+sensagger!" or invite you to "stagger for the dagger" (_i.e._ stay for
+the day). But competent authorities are inclined to think that this
+laborious form of undergraduate wit, or "wagger," is doomed to speedy
+"extigger."
+
+It is inevitable that the would-be smart business person, when
+inditing a circular or club notice, will say, "Forward _same_," or, "I
+inclose _same_," instead of "_it_," whatever it may happen to be.
+
+It is inevitable that, when 'ARRY wishes to be familiarly polite at
+parting, he will take his leave with "So long."
+
+It is inevitable that, when a young City man desires to express his
+disapproval of any individual or thing, he will dismiss it as "no
+class."
+
+It is inevitable, if you make any surprising or absurd statement to a
+Yankee, that his comment thereon will be, "Is that so!"
+
+It is inevitable, if you meet an actor "resting" in the Strand, that
+he will ask you to "Name it," and you will proceed to do so (possibly
+at your own expense) at one or more of the excellent drinking-bars in
+that locality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A YORKSHIRE GOSSIP.
+
+_First Gossip._ "SO YOU WAS NIVVER AXED TUT FUNERAL?"
+
+_Second Gossip._ "NIVVER AS MUCH AS INSIDE T'HOUSE. BUT NOBBUT WAIT
+TILL _WE_ HEV' A FUNERAL OF US OWN, AN' _WE_'LL SHOW 'EM!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A-DRESS BY MR. SPEAKER.
+
+    ["Certain Members object to attending the SPEAKER'S dinner or
+    _levées_ in full dress."]
+
+_Mr. Speaker._
+
+  "Oh, ye must walk in silk attire,
+    And swords and buckles wear,
+  Gin ye wad come to dine wi' me,
+    Or tend my _levées_ mair."
+
+_The Members._
+
+  "Oh, what's to us your silken show,
+    And swords and buckles smart?--
+  And if you still insist upon 't,
+    Then you and we must part!"
+
+_Mr. Speaker._
+
+  "Then ye shall come in what attire
+    It suits ye best to wear,
+  Gin ye 'll consent to mind the Whip,
+    Nor plague the Party mair."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WORTHY OBJECT.--It is encouraging to hear of a "_Mission to Deep Sea
+Fishermen_." The deeper the sea-fishermen are, the more necessary is
+the mission. These Deep Sea-Fishermen are generally supposed to be
+able to look after their own soles; but now they will receive aid in
+their work. As the Bishop of LIVERPOOL is a prominent patron of this
+good work, it may be taken for granted that most of these deep 'uns
+are fishermen in his Lordship's See.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ACQUITTAL.--With what a sense of relief does a _bon vivant_ who has
+been brought up by Corporal AILMENT before the Doctor's Court Martial
+hear the verdict of "Not Gouty!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAW IN BLANK.
+
+(_A Natural Development of the Modern System of Suppression._)
+
+    SCENE--_Interior of one of the Royal Courts. Customary
+    occupants and surroundings._ Witness _in the box undergoing
+    cross-examination_.
+
+_First Counsel._ And now will you give me the name of the person you
+met on that occasion?
+
+_Second Counsel._ I do not wish to interfere without reason; but
+surely it is unnecessary to introduce third parties into this inquiry.
+
+_Witness._ Perhaps I might follow the plan I adopted in my
+examination-in-chief and write the name on a piece of paper?
+
+_The Judge._ That seems a reasonable course to pursue.
+
+_First Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases. Then be so good as to give
+me the name as suggested. (Witness _complies_.) Thank you. (_After
+reading the paper._) Do you spell the name with a final "e"?
+
+_Second Counsel._ Really, my learned friend is carrying matters too
+far. If the anonymity of third parties is to be preserved, such a
+leading question would reveal the identity at once.
+
+_The Judge._ I suppose you mean that the query about the final "e"
+would indicate that the veiled name was "BROWNE."
+
+_Second Counsel._ Quite so, my lord; that is a conclusion that would
+be accepted by persons of the most ordinary intelligence.
+
+_First Counsel._ But as a matter of fact, the name to which I refer
+is certainly neither BROWN nor BROWNE. I will submit the paper to your
+lordship.
+
+_The Judge_ (_after perusing the slip which has been handed to him by
+an usher_). Dear me! I am greatly surprised!
+
+_Foreman of the Jury._ May we, my lord, learn the name?
+
+_First Counsel._ So far as I am concerned, I shall be only too pleased
+to allow the Gentlemen of the Jury to have the fullest information on
+the point.
+
+_Second Counsel._ If I object, it is not because I have not the
+greatest confidence in the Jury's discretion, but simply as a matter
+of principle.
+
+_First Counsel._ I do not see how the affair is a matter of principle,
+but if my learned friend objects I have no wish to push the point
+further. (_Turning to_ Witness.) And now, where did you meet this
+person whose name we have arranged to leave undiscovered?
+
+_Witness._ Perhaps you will allow me to write the locality on a piece
+of paper and pass it round?
+
+_The Judge._ I think we may do that.
+
+_First Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases. (_Course suggested
+pursued._) And now, have you ever seen any one else on the subject?
+
+_Witness._ Certainly. (_Produces a scroll._) Here is a list. I have
+purposely written their names in shorthand, so that they may only be
+recognised by those who have a knowledge of PITMAN'S method.
+
+_The Judge._ Certainly.
+
+_First Counsel._ And that, my Lord, is my case.
+
+    [_Sits down._
+
+_The Judge._ And now, Gentlemen, before we proceed further, I would
+like to make a suggestion. When we commenced this trial we arranged
+that the names of the Plaintiff and Defendant should not be made
+public. Since then it seems to me that we should learn them. What do
+you say, Gentlemen?
+
+_Foreman of the Jury._ We share your Lordship's curiosity.
+
+_The Judge_ (_addressing Counsel_). You hear.
+
+_First Counsel_ (_after consultation with his opponent_). My Lord, I
+need scarcely say that both my friend and myself are most anxious
+to meet the wishes of your Lordship. But as this is a point of great
+importance to our clients, we should like to have an opportunity
+of consulting them. No doubt the names asked for might only have a
+limited circulation--be known only to your Lordship and the Gentlemen
+of the Jury. Still there are objections to even so partial a
+publication as I have shadowed forth which make it most desirable
+that we should have an opportunity of giving the matter our fullest
+consideration. Perhaps we might adjourn until to-morrow morning?
+
+_The Judge._ Oh, certainly, certainly.
+
+    [_Court consequently adjourns to meet the necessities of the
+    situation._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR THE VINEYARD PROPRIETORS IN A CERTAIN CHAMPAGNE
+DISTRICT.--"Make Ay while the sun shines."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD CRUSADERS!
+
+THE DUKE OF ARG-LL AND MR. GL-DST-NE "BROTHERS IN ARMS" AGAIN!
+
+    BULGARIA, 1876.    ARMENIA, 1895.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEURALGIA.
+
+  What do I care if sunny Spring
+    Come now at last with balmy weather?
+  What do I care for anything?
+    I hate existence altogether.
+  It makes me almost mad, in truth,
+  This awful aching in my tooth.
+
+  What do I care for wealth or fame,
+    Or woman's charms the most entrancing?
+  Despised or loved, it's all the same.
+    You would not catch me even glancing
+  At any face you ever saw;
+  I'm only thinking of my jaw.
+
+  What do I care if Trunks are low,
+    Argentines flat, Home Rails neglected?
+  Though mines may come and mines may go,
+    I'm indescribably dejected.
+  They may be, I am, "dull" and "weak."
+  Confound my throbbing, swollen cheek!
+
+  What do I care which party's in,
+    To take more pennies from my income,
+  Or, if from tax on beer or gin,
+    Or milk and water extra "tin" come?
+  My thoughts are "in another place";
+  This aching spreads throughout my face.
+
+  What do I care for any play,
+    For dance or dinner, song or supper?
+  With pangs like these I can't be gay.
+    They spread from lower jaw to upper,
+  Across my face, as I have said,
+  And now attack my hapless head.
+
+  What do I even care if She
+    May frown upon her wretched lover,
+  And like another more than me?
+    Such pangs I might in time recover.
+  I do not care, I do not know;
+  I'm aching now from top to toe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LEFT-HANDED COMPLIMENT.
+
+"BACK AGAIN, DOCTOR? I'VE BEEN _SO_ MUCH BETTER SINCE YOU WENT AWAY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING has written another Barrack-room Ballad (see _Pall
+Mall Gazette_ of Thursday last). It is called _The Men that fought at
+Minden_, and is perhaps the most coarse and unattractive specimen of
+verse that this great young man has put forth yet--a jumble of words
+without a trace of swing or music. All this Tommy Atkins business,
+with its "Rookies" and its "Johnny Raws," and its affectation of
+intimate knowledge of the common soldier's inmost feelings, is about
+played out, and the interest in it is not likely to be revived by such
+jargon as _The Men that fought at Minden_. Besides, didn't Lord GEORGE
+SACKVILLE fight(?) at Minden?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXPLAINED AT LAST.--The (Zoo-) logical excuse given for the
+boa-constrictor when he swallowed his companion, was that "he only
+wanted a snack for luncheon." It had been hinted that he found "the
+other one" such a "boa" at meal times that he was determined to put
+him down. But this is not the fact.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE CHANGE.
+
+Hang it all! They have blocked the street and are laying it with
+asphalte; just in May, as usual. From early morning the quiet of my
+rooms is disturbed by the noise of the work, when I go out I scramble
+over heaps of rubbish, past smoking cauldrons of pitch, and when I
+come home at night my cab drops me nearly a quarter of a mile away.
+Moreover, one neighbouring house is being painted, and the other is
+being rebuilt. I fly from falling dust and brickbats, only to run
+against ladders and paint-pots. It is awful. And now my Aunt JANE is
+coming up from Bath, and has invited herself to tea at my chambers.
+Her rheumatism prevents her from walking more than a yard or two, she
+cannot bear any noise, and the smell of paint makes her ill. She
+is very rich, and could leave all she has to the poor. Accurately
+speaking, that class includes me, but in my aunt's opinion it does
+not. She is very suspicious, and, if I made excuses and invited her
+to tea anywhere else, she would feel convinced that I was hiding some
+guilty secret in my dull, quiet, respectable rooms. She is very prim,
+and the mere suggestion of such a thing would alienate her from me for
+ever. Why on earth can't she stop in Bath? And I shall have to go with
+her to May meetings! It is impossible; I must fly. But where? She
+has a horror and suspicion of all foreign nations, except perhaps the
+steady, industrious Swiss. Good idea--Switzerland. But what reason can
+I give for rushing off just now? Someone must send me. I have it. She
+knows I try to write a little, so I will say my editor requires me to
+go at once to Geneva to write a series of articles in the Jardin Alpin
+d'Acclimatation on Alpine botany. Botany, how respectable! Geneva,
+how sedate! Makes one think at once of CALVIN and Geneva bands. These
+sound rather frivolous, something like German bands, but they are not
+really so, only, I believe, a sort of clerical cravat. Then I will
+start off to Paris, the direct way to Geneva.
+
+Perhaps I shall never reach Geneva. Paris will do well enough. No
+streets there taken up in the Spring. No painting on the clean stone
+houses. No rebuilding on the Boulevards. No aunt of mine anywhere
+near. I shall escape all my troubles. I shall be able to smoke my
+cigarette lazily in the pleasant courtyard of the Grand Hôtel, and try
+to imagine that I see some of the people in _Trilby_--_Little Billee_,
+or _Taffy_, or the _Laird_--amongst the animated, cosmopolitan crowd.
+And the stately giant in the gilt chain will solemnly arrange the
+newspapers in all languages, and will supply me with note-paper. I
+must be careful not to write to my aunt a long description of the
+Jardin Alpin d'Acclimatation de Geneve on paper stamped "Grand Hôtel,
+Paris." And the attentive JOSEPH, with those long grey whiskers,
+sacred to the elderly French waiter and the elderly French lawyer,
+will exclaim, "_V'là, M'sieu!_" in all those varied tones which make
+the two syllables mean "Yessir!" "Coming, Sir!" "Here is your coffee,
+Sir!" "In a minute, Sir!" and so many things besides. And I shall be
+able to watch, assembled from all parts of the world, some younger
+and prettier faces than my Aunt JANE'S. That settles it. A regretful
+letter to my aunt. And to-morrow _en route!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE OF SPELLING?--Our dramatic friend known to the public through
+_Mr. Punch_ as ENRY HAUTHOR JONES appears to have recently altered the
+spelling of his name. He has left the JONES and the HENRY alone, but
+in the _Times_ of Friday he appears as "HENRY ARTH_E_R JONES," "U" out
+of it; and what was "E" doing there?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRESENTATION TO THE REV. GUINNESS ROGERS.--Last week this worthy
+minister was presented by his Congregationalists with an address and a
+cheque for a thousand guineas, Mr. GLADSTONE, ex-minister, being among
+the subscribers. In future the _bénéficiaire_ will be remembered as
+the "Reverend Thousand GUINNESS ROGERS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSIC NOTE (_after hearing Mr. J. M. Coward's performance on the
+Orchestral Harmonium_).--It would be high praise to say of any
+organist that "he attacks his instrument in a Cowardly manner."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"VERY APPROPRIATE."--Last Wednesday the Right Hon. A. W. _PEEL_ became
+a "_Skinner_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COMING CHARGE.
+
+(_Prematurely Communicated by our Prophetic Reporter._)
+
+Gentlemen of the Jury, for the last couple of years or so you have no
+doubt read any number of denunciations of the conduct of the man whose
+actions you are now about to investigate. You have heard him abused
+right and left. You have seen pictures of him, in which he has been
+held up to scorn and public ridicule. You have heard it announced in
+all quarters that he is a scoundrel and a thief. And as this has been
+the case, Gentlemen of the Jury, it is my duty to tell you that you
+must put aside the recollection of these attacks. You must treat the
+prisoner before you as if he were immaculate. In fact you must lay
+aside all prejudice, and give the man a fair trial; and, Gentlemen, it
+is my duty (sanctioned by precedent) to have the pleasure of informing
+you that I am sure you will! Yes, Gentlemen of the Jury, having regard
+to all the circumstances of the case, I repeat, I am sure you will!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At the National Liberal Club, on Wednesday, Lord ROSEBERY told the
+company they were not dancing on a volcano. That may be true, but
+it is equally true that the Government, in proposing to remit the
+sixpenny duty on whisky, are riding for a fall in (or, shall we say, a
+drop of) the "crater."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A WELLINGTON (STREET) MEMORIAL.
+
+GENERAL OPINION (MR. PUNCH) PRESENTS THE MEDAL OF THE HIGHEST ORDER
+OF HISTRIONIC MERIT TO HENRY IRVING IN RECOGNITION OF DISTINGUISHED
+SERVICE AS _CORPORAL GREGORY BREWSTER_ IN THE ACTION OF CONAN DOYLE'S
+"STORY OF WATERLOO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE NEW STATUE.
+
+    ["Her Majesty's Government are about to entrust to one of our
+    first sculptors a great historical statue, which has too
+    long been wanting to the series of those who have governed
+    England."--_Lord Rosebery at the Royal Academy Banquet._]
+
+  Our "Uncrowned King" at last to stand
+    'Midst the legitimate Lord's Anointed?
+  How will they shrink, that sacred band,
+    Dismayed, disgusted, disappointed!
+  The _parvenu_ Protector thrust
+    Amidst the true Porphyrogeniti?
+  How will it stir right royal dust!
+    The mutton-eating king's amenity
+  Were hardly proof against this slur.
+    WILLIAM the thief, RUFUS the bully,
+  The traitor JOHN, and JAMES the cur,--
+    Their royal purple how 'twill sully
+  To rub against the brewer's buff!
+    HARRY, old Mother Church's glory
+  Meet this Conventicler?--Enough!
+    The Butcher dimmed not England's story
+  But rather brightened her renown.
+    In camp and court it must be said,
+  And if he did not win a crown,
+    At least he never _lost his head!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Among Mr. LE GALLIENNE'S new poems there is one entitled _Tree
+Worship_. It is _not_ dedicated to the lessee of the Haymarket Theatre
+by "an Admirer."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MAY MEETING.
+
+  They met in a cake-shop hard by the Strand,
+    He in black broadcloth, and she in silk.
+  She had a glass of "fizz" in her hand,
+    He had a bun and a cup of milk.
+  She had a sunshade of burnished crimson,
+    He had a brolly imperfectly furled,
+  And a pair of _pince-nez_ with tortoiseshell rims on.
+    He looked the Church, and she seemed the World.
+
+  They sat on each side of a marble table,
+    His legs were curled round the legs of his chair.
+  Around them babbled a miniature Babel;
+    The sunlight gleamed on her coppery hair.
+  She held a crumpled Academy Guide,
+    Scored with crosses in bold blacklead;
+  A pile of leaflets lay at his side,
+    And he grasped a Report, which he gravely read.
+
+  His shaven lip was pendulous, long,
+    Her mouth was a cherry-hued _moue mutine_,
+  His complacent, uncomely, strong,
+    Hers soft appetence sharpened with spleen.
+  Her eyes scale-glitter, his oyster-dim,
+    His huge mouth hardened, her small lips curled
+  As he gazed at her and she glanced at him;
+    He looked the Church, and she seemed the World.
+
+  "A holy spouter from Exeter Hall!"
+    (So she mused as she sipped her wine.)
+  "A butterfly in the Belial thrall
+    Of Vanity Fair, all tinkle and shine!"
+  So thought he as he crumbled his bun
+    With clumsy fingers in loose black cloth;
+  And the impish spirit of genial fun
+    Hovered about them and mocked them both.
+
+  Mutual ignorance, mutual scorn,
+    Revealed in glances aflame though fleeting;
+  Such, in the glow of this glad May morn,
+    The inhuman spirit of mortal meeting.
+  The worm must disparage the butterfly,
+    The butterfly must despise the worm;
+  And Scorn, the purblind, will ne'er descry
+    A common bond, or a middle term.
+
+  Modish folly, factitious Art?
+    True, grave homilist, sadly true!
+  But _Boanerges_ truculent, tart,
+    What of the part that is played by you?
+  You denouncing the "Snare of Beauty,"
+    She affecting to feel its spell,--
+  Which falls shortest of human duty?
+    Shallow censor, can _you_ quite tell?
+
+  Meanwhile the lilac is blithely budding,
+    And sweetly breatheth the nutty May,
+  The golden sunshine the earth is flooding,
+    And you--you echo the old, old bray
+  Of _Boanerges_. A broader greeting
+    Of brotherhood full, warm hearts, wide eyes
+  Might lend a meaning to your "May Meeting"
+    To gladden the gentle and win the wise.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHAT'S IN A NAME? A ROSSA, &C."--Before being ejected from the House
+of Commons on Wednesday last, O'DONOVAN ROSSA shouted out that "A
+stain had been put upon his name." Where is the ingenious craftsman
+who did it? He might try his hand next time at gilding refined gold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUERY.--Can a champagne wine from the vintage of "Ay" be invariably
+and fairly described as "Ay 1"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODES AND METALS.
+
+    ["Neckties made of aluminium have just been invented in
+    Germany."--_Evening Paper._]
+
+Visited my tailor's puddling works to-day. He has some really neat new
+pig-iron fabrics for the season. I am thinking of trying his Bessemer
+steel indestructible evening-dress suits.
+
+Really this new plan of mineral clothing comes in very usefully when
+one is attacked by roughs on a dark night. Floored an assailant most
+satisfactorily with a touch of my lead handkerchief.
+
+The only objection I can find to my aluminium summer suiting is its
+tendency to get red hot if I stand in the sun for five minutes.
+
+I think I can now safely defy my laundress to injure my patent safety
+ironclad steel shirts.
+
+I find, however, that there is no need of a laundress at all. When
+one's linen is soiled, sand-paper and a mop will clean it in no time.
+
+My frock-coat has got a nasty kink in it; must send it to be repaired
+at the smelting furnace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONCE CUT DON'T COME AGAIN!--It was said by _The Figaro_ last week that
+Japan would demand "an extra payment of one hundred millions of
+taels by China." But surely a hundred million Chinamen would evince
+a pig-headed obstinacy in parting with, or being parted from, their
+"tails" on any consideration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A LIGHTSHIP SUNK."--Impossible! couldn't have been a lightship, it
+must have been a very heavy ship.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Daughter_ (_enthusiastically_). "OH, MAMMA! I _MUST_
+LEARN BICYCLING! SO DELIGHTFUL TO GO AT SUCH A PACE!"
+
+_Mamma_ (_severely_). "NO THANK YOU, MY DEAR; YOU ARE _QUITE_ 'FAST'
+ENOUGH ALREADY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, May 6._--Welsh Disestablishment Bill on.
+So is The Man from Shropshire. STANLEY LEIGHTON, as GEORGE TREVELYAN
+pointed out long ago, is irresistibly like the ruined Chancery
+Suitor of _Bleak House_. Always dashing into debate as The Man from
+Shropshire broke in on the business of the Court of Chancery. "Mr.
+Chairman!" he shouts, and waves his arms, as The Man from Shropshire
+cried aloud, "My lord! My lord!" and tried to seize the Lord
+Chancellor by wig or neck. After first ebullition, our Man from
+Shropshire quietens down. Argues with gravity of tone and manner that
+seem to imply he has something to say. Turns out he hasn't; but, on
+the Welsh Disestablishment Bill, that no matter.
+
+[Illustration: The Joys of Office. "Speaker! Hats off, Strangers!"]
+
+Curious how this Church Bill brings to the front men who, if heard at
+all, certainly do not speak in chorus on any other question. After
+The Man from Shropshire comes TOMLINSON, who, early in proceedings,
+displays irresistible tendency to discuss points of order with
+SPEAKER. New SPEAKER has, however, already got hand in, and, before
+TOMLINSON, who remembers being on his feet addressing Chair, quite
+knows where he is, he finds himself sitting down again, CRANBORNE also
+on warpath, his very hair bristling with indignation at this fresh
+attack on the Church. Glib GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN has a field-night;
+makes long speech on moving Instruction standing in his own name. His
+obvious, unaffected enjoyment of his own oratory should be infectious;
+but isn't.
+
+[Illustration: The Cares of Office. Mr. Cawmel-Bannerman crosses the
+Lobby.]
+
+Colonel LOCKWOOD, that pillar of the Church, was the first called on
+in Committee to move amendment. Colonel not in his place. Report
+has it the devout man is in library reading THOMAS À KEMPIS, or
+DRELINCOURT on Death. Here is opportunity for GLIB-GRIFFITH to
+make another speech. Dashes in; starting off with promise of good
+half-hour; desire for LOCKWOOD'S appearance irresistible. As ADDISON
+says, with hereditary disposition to drop into poetry, and the belief
+that he is quoting TENNYSON,
+
+  Better fifty words from LOCKWOOD
+  Than a thousand from BOSCAWEN.
+
+Scouts sent out in all directions. The Colonel discovered in sort of
+oratory he has contrived in far recess of library. Brought back to
+House; found BOSCAWEN bowling along. "This is my show," said the
+Colonel as he passed BOSCAWEN on his way to his seat. More fierceness
+in his eye than befit the man or the occasion. BOSCAWEN stared over
+his head, and went on with his speech. Opportunity too precious to
+be lost. If LOCKWOOD meant to move his amendment he should have been
+there when called upon. He wasn't: BOSCAWEN found it, so to speak,
+by roadside. Now it was his; would make the most of it; pegged along
+whilst the Colonel muttered remarks as he glared upon him. Some who
+sat by said it was a prayer. Others, catching a word here and there,
+said it was a quotation from THOMAS À KEMPIS. Whatever it might have
+been, Colonel seemed much moved. Hardly pacified when, at end of
+twenty minutes, GLIB-GRIFFITH sat down, and LOCKWOOD, finding himself
+in peculiar position of seconding his own amendment, delivered the
+speech he had prepared for moving it.
+
+_Business done._--Got into Committee on Welsh Disestablishment Bill.
+
+_Tuesday._--Pretty to see PRINCE ARTHUR drop down on GEORGE RUSSELL
+just now for speaking disrespectfully of SILOMIO. That eminent
+patriot, having in his newly-assumed character of Patron Saint of
+Japan, cross-examined EDWARD GREY upon latest Treaty negotiations,
+accused ASQUITH of nothing less than stealing a county. "Filching"
+was precise word, which has its equivalent in Slang Dictionary in
+sneaking. Idea of HOME SECRETARY hovering over the Marches in dead
+of night, and, when he thought no one was looking, picking up
+Monmouthshire, and putting it in his coat-tail pocket, amused
+scanty audience. But SILOMIO really wrath. "Always Anti-English this
+Government," he exclaimed, with scornful sweep of red right hand along
+line of smiling faces on Treasury Bench. "A stirring burst of British
+patriotism," GEORGE RUSSELL characterised it. JOHN BULL _in excelsis_.
+The more notable since, on reference to official record, he found the
+Knight from Sheffield was born in the United States, and descended
+from the Pilgrim Fathers.
+
+"Which one?" inquired voice from back bench, an inquiry very properly
+disregarded. (A new phrase this, SARK notes, for use by retired
+tradesmen, setting up to spend rest of useful lives in retirement
+at Clapham or Camberwell. To trace their family tree back to
+transplantation at period of Conquest, played out. Instead of "Came
+over with the Conqueror," newer, more picturesque, equally historical
+to say, "Came over with the Pilgrim Fathers.")
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR not in mood for speculation of this kind. Cut to the
+heart by remarks he suspected of slighting intent towards his friend
+and colleague. In SILOMIO PRINCE ARTHUR has long learned to recognise
+all the graces and all the talents. Apart from personal consideration,
+he feels how much the Party owe to him for having raised within its
+ranks the standard of culture and conduct. To have him attacked, even
+in fun, by an Under Secretary, was more than he could stand. So,
+in gravest tone, with no flicker of a smile on his expressive
+countenance, he declared that a more unfortunate speech he had
+never heard. "If the hon. gentleman intends," he added, "to take a
+considerable part in debate, I would earnestly recommend him either
+to change the character of his humour, or entirely to repress the
+exhibition."
+
+Beautiful! In its way, all things considered, best thing PRINCE ARTHUR
+has done this Session. House grinned; but two big hot tears coursed
+down cheek of SILOMIO, making deep furrows in the war paint.
+
+"That's tit for tat with GEORGIE RUSSELL," said HERBERT GARDNER to
+SOLICITOR-GENERAL, with vague recollection of a historic phrase.
+
+"Quite perfect," said LOCKWOOD. "But what a loss the stage has
+sustained by PRINCE ARTHUR taking to politics? Tried both myself and
+know something about it." _Business done._--An eight hours day with
+Welsh Disestablishment Bill.
+
+[Illustration: Piling Peeler upon Rossa!]
+
+_Thursday._--TANNER'S curiosity inconveniently uncontrollable. At
+end of sitting given up to Scotland no one thinking about
+COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF or TANNER either. Successive divisions had carried
+sitting far beyond midnight, that blessed hour at which, in ordinary
+circumstances, debate stands adjourned. Quarter of an hour occupied in
+dividing on question whether they should divide on amendment. Proposal
+affirmed; another quarter of an hour spent in fresh division. Nothing
+possible further to be done, Members streamed forth, scrambling for
+cabs in Palace Yard. CONYBEARE in charge of a Bill dealing with false
+alarms of fire, managed to get it through Committee unopposed. Members
+little recked how near they were to real alarm of worse than fire.
+
+Twenty minutes earlier, when last division taken, over 330 Members
+filled House. Now the tide ebbed; only the thirty odd Members in their
+places jealously watching SPEAKER running through Orders of the
+Day. TANNER bobbing up and down on bench like parched pea. Heard
+it somewhere whispered that Duke of CAMBRIDGE, worn out with long
+campaign, about to unhelm, unbuckle his sword, hang up his dinted
+armour. TANNER feels he can't go to bed leaving unsettled the problem
+of truth or phantasy. Not a moment to be lost. SPEAKER risen to put
+question "That this House do now adjourn." Then TANNER blurts out the
+inquiry, "Is it true?" "Order! order!" says the SPEAKER. Well, if they
+didn't like the question in the form he had first put it, he would try
+again.
+
+"I would ask," he said, adopting conditional mood as least likely to
+hurt anyone's feelings, "whether a member of the Royal Family who has
+really" (most desirous of not putting it too strongly, but really you
+know) "been drawing public money too long is going to retire?"
+
+"Order! order!" roared the few Members present.
+
+"I would ask that question," repeated TANNER, still in the conditional
+mood, but nodding confidentially all round.
+
+The Blameless BARTLEY happily at post of duty. Broke in with protest.
+SPEAKER ruled question out of order. But the good TANNER came back
+like a bad sixpence.
+
+"Is his Royal Highness going to retire?" he insisted, getting redder
+than ever in the face. "Order! order!" shouted Members in chorus. Thus
+encouraged, TANNER sang out the solo again, "Is his Royal Highness
+going to retire?"
+
+That was his question. The SPEAKER, distinctly differing, affirmed
+"The question is that the House do now adjourn;" which it did
+straightway, leaving Dr. TANNER to go to a sleepless bed haunted by an
+unanswered question.
+
+"What I should like," said Lieut.-General Sir FREDERICK WELLINGTON
+FITZ WYGRAM, who served in the Crimea with H.R.H., has been in command
+of the Cavalry Brigade at Aldershot, and in other positions come in
+personal contact with the COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF, "What I should like," he
+repeated reflectively, stroking his chin, "would be the opportunity,
+enjoyed from a safe distance, of hearing the Dook personally reply to
+TANNER'S interrogation."
+
+_Business done._--Wrangle all night round Scotch Committee.
+
+_Friday._--SQUIRE sat through dull morning sitting listening with air
+of pathetic resignation to Members talking round Budget. QUILTER led
+off with prodigiously long paper on the Art of Brewing Beer. Seems
+they fill up the cup with all kinds of mysterious ingredients.
+BROOKFIELD, looking round and observing both JOSEPH and JESSE
+absent, whispered in ear of sympathetic Chairman that Birmingham has
+reputation in the Trade of making and drinking beer containing minimum
+of malt, maximum of sugar, and warranted to do the greatest damage to
+the system. SQUIRE, momentarily waking up from mournful mood, observed
+that Birmingham is also headquarters of Liberal Unionism. Might
+be nothing in coincidence, but there it was. RASCH posed as the
+distressed agriculturist. JOKIM tried to walk on both sides of road at
+same time, and Government got majority of 24. _Business done._--Budget
+Resolutions agreed to.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO YVETTE GUILBERT AT THE EMPIRE.
+
+  YVETTE! your praise resounds on every hand.
+  And those laugh loudest who least understand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Page 229: 'visistor' corrected to 'visitor'.
+
+(_Knock._) Ah, here comes my visitor. (_Enter stranger._)
+
+The illustration for 'The Old Crusaders' originally covered 2 pages,
+pp. 234 and 235 (centrefold/centerfold), with a blank page on either
+side.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+108, May 18th, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44790 ***
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+<div>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44790 ***</div>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page229" id="page229"></a>[pg 229]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.<br />
+
+<small>Volume 108, <span class="sc">May 18th, 1895.</span></small><br />
+
+<span class="smaller"><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></span></h1>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 580px;"><a href="images/229-1200.png"><img src="images/229-500.png" width="500" height="427" alt="HOP PROSPECTS." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">HOP PROSPECTS.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Said Pulex the Skipper to Miss Cicada, "Do you expect a good Hopping
+Season this year?"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>ODE TO A (LONDON) "LARK."</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Some Way after Quisquis.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh, "lark," which all the "Comiques" sing,</p>
+<p class="i2">And every drunken rowdy pup, too;</p>
+<p>Sure you're a vicious, vulgar thing</p>
+<p class="i2">As ever toper swigged a cup to.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Hints of the boozy and the blue</p>
+<p class="i2">Surround you; sodden brains you soften;</p>
+<p>Yet rhymsters make a song of you,</p>
+<p class="i2">And rowdies sing it&mdash;far too often.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The aim of every loose-lipped lout</p>
+<p class="i2">Appears to be to "lark" divinely;</p>
+<p>When from his haunts he gets chucked out,</p>
+<p class="i2">He deems his "spree" has ended finely.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He tracks the "lark"&mdash;aye, "like a bird,"</p>
+<p class="i2">Upon the turf, among its "daisies";</p>
+<p>But, by sweet <span class="sc">Shelley</span>, 'tis absurd,</p>
+<p class="i2">Foul bird of prey, to pipe your <i>praises!</i></p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">A Kind Offer.</span>&mdash;A lady who is not well
+up in Parliamentary matters writes to us
+saying that she has seen mentioned in the
+papers "Mr. Speaker's Retirement Bill,"
+and would very much like to know what the
+amount is. Her admiration for the late
+<span class="sc">Speaker</span> is so great that, our fair correspondent
+goes on to say, she would willingly
+defray the whole amount herself, or if the
+total be too much for her pocket, then would
+she cheerfully head a subscription list.
+She is perfectly certain that Mr. <span class="sc">Peel</span> was
+a very moderate man, and therefore the entire
+sum cannot be very startling.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>RATHER "BOLD ADVERTISEMENT."</h2>
+
+<p class="center">["Advertisements for some time past have been inserted in Government
+publications."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Room of a</i> Secretary of State. <i>Present</i> Right Hon.
+Gentleman <i>attended by his</i> Private Secretary.</p>
+
+<p><i>Right Hon. Gentleman.</i> Well, <span class="sc">Tenterfore</span>, anything for me this
+morning?</p>
+
+<p><i>Private Secretary.</i> I think not. You will find that I have worked
+out the answers to to-day's questions&mdash;the list is not a very heavy
+one, only a couple of dozen queries or thereabouts.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> That's right. Such a lot of time is wasted in that
+sort of thing. And has anyone come for me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Priv. Sec.</i> No one of importance. A fellow with a new invention
+or something of that sort. Said you were extremely busy just now,
+but that if he would write, his letter would receive the attention of
+the department.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> Was he satisfied?</p>
+
+<p><i>Priv. Sec.</i> (<i>smiling</i>). Well, I fear not entirely. I think he must
+have had some experience of Government offices. He said he preferred
+to see you personally.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> (<i>amused</i>). I daresay he would. Anyone else?</p>
+
+<p><i>Priv. Sec.</i> Only a man about advertisements.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> (<i>aghast</i>). You did not send <i>him</i> away?</p>
+
+<p><i>Priv. Sec.</i> Well, no. I believe he is still in the waiting-room.
+But surely you don't want to see him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> Of course I do. A most important person. Send
+a messenger for him at once. (<i>Exit</i> Private Secretary.) That's the
+worst of <span class="sc">Tenterfore</span>&mdash;so impulsive! Means well, but so very impulsive!
+(<i>Knock.</i>) Ah, here comes my visitor. (<i>Enter stranger.</i>)
+My very dear Sir, I am delighted to see you. (<i>He shakes hands
+warmly and provides him with an arm-chair.</i>) I am sorry you
+should have been detained&mdash;quite a mistake.</p>
+
+<p><i>Stranger</i> (<i>surprised</i>). You are most kind. I come about some
+advertisements.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> I know, my dear Sir, I know. Now what can
+I tempt you with? You arrive at a most fortunate moment. We
+are thinking of letting the sides of our cruisers for posters. The
+Mediterranean fleet will be a most excellent medium. We can do
+sixteen double crowns at a very reasonable rate; of course the
+Admiral's flag-ship would be a trifle extra. Is your leading article
+soap, pickles, or hair-dye?</p>
+
+<p><i>Stranger.</i> I am afraid you do not understand me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> Oh yes, I do; but, if you object to marine advertisements,
+I think we can suit you on land. We have several commanding
+positions on the colours of some of the most popular regiments
+in the service vacant. (<i>Showing plans.</i>) You see we can
+insert type&mdash;we object to blocks&mdash;on the material without interfering
+with the badges or the victories. A most admirable medium,
+I assure you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Stranger.</i> You really are in error. I wish to say&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Yes, I know. You think that
+something would be better. Well, we can put advertisements on
+the backs of all petitions presented to Parliament, and let you out
+hoardings in front of the more prominent of the Government offices.
+How would that suit you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Stranger.</i> Really, you must allow me to explain. Advertisements
+of matters interesting to mariners&mdash;such as notices of wrecks&mdash;are
+inserted solely in the <i>London Gazette</i> and&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> Ah, you are thinking of the sky signs. Well, of
+course, we might utilise the lighthouses, but we have not quite made
+up our minds whether such a course might not cause confusion in
+misty weather.</p>
+
+<p><i>Stranger.</i> I was going to propose that the Government might feel
+inclined to insert the advertisements to which I have referred in a
+paper with which I am connected, and which is extensively circulated
+amongst seafaring men.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> (<i>astounded</i>). You want <i>me</i> to give <i>you</i>
+an advertisement!
+No, Sir; now that we have taken up advertisements we
+insert them and don't give them out. (<i>Enter</i> Private Secretary.)
+Mr. <span class="sc">Tenterfore</span>, be so good as to explain to this gentleman that my
+time is valuable.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>Scene closes in upon the</i> Secretary of State <i>performing the
+now rather miscellaneous duties appertaining to his office.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">Brief Stay in London of the Eminent French Novelist.</span>&mdash;He
+has not quite mastered our idioms, but he has made a pun in
+English, when saying, "<i>J'y suis, moi, Daudet; je pars demain</i>,"
+<i>i.e.</i>, "I am here <i>Do-day</i>, and gone to-morrow."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Suggestion.</span>&mdash;"<i>The Attaree Khat Tea Co.</i>" is a nice name.
+Why not follow with the "<i>Attaree Khat and Kitten Milk Co.</i>"?
+Very attaree-active to some pussons.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Motto (Addressed to Flutes, Hautboys, &amp;c.) for Conductor
+of the Strauss Orchestra.</span>&mdash;"<span class="sc">Strauss</span> shows how the wind is to
+blow."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Infant Phenomenon!</span>"&mdash;At Drury Lane, the arduous part of <i>Don
+Cæsar</i> in the opera of <i>Maritana</i> was last Friday played by a
+<span class="sc">Child</span>!</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Word of Command for Hospital Sunday.</span>&mdash;"Present Alms!"</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page230" id="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/230a-1500.png"><img src="images/230a-600.png" width="600" height="384" alt="SOCIAL AGONIES." /></a>
+<h2 class="sans">SOCIAL AGONIES.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Algy.</i> "<span class="sc">Come and Dine with me with me to-night, Snobbington?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Snobbington.</i> "<span class="sc">Sorry to say I can't, Old Chappie. Afraid I've go to go
+and Dine with that old fool, Lord Boreham,
+for my sins!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord Boreham</i> (<i>from behind his Newspaper</i>). "<span class="sc">Pray consider
+yourself excused this evening, Mr.&mdash;&mdash;Mr.&mdash;&mdash;a&mdash;I find I
+don't even know you by sight!</span>"</p>
+
+<p class="rindent">[<i>Which is quite true!</i></p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>'ARRY AND THE NEW WOMAN.</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 100px;"><a href="images/230b-250.png"><img src="images/230b-100.png" width="100" height="185" alt="'arry" /></a></div>
+
+<div class="poem width36">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Dear <span class="sc">Charlie</span>,&mdash;'Ow are you, old shipmate? <i>I</i>'ve bin layin' low for a time.</p>
+<p>'Ard years these 'ere Nineties, my nibs, yus, and bizness 'as bin fur from prime.</p>
+<p>All grind and no gay galoot, <span class="sc">Charlie</span>, of late 'as bin <i>my</i> little lot;</p>
+<p>An' between you and me <i>and</i> the post, I think most things is going to pot!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>It's Newness wot's doing it, <span class="sc">Charlie</span>! "Lor! <i>that</i>'s a rum gospel," sez you.</p>
+<p>Well, p'raps in your green tooral-looral you don't hear so much of the New;</p>
+<p>But in town with New Art, and New Women, New Drammer, New Humour, and such,</p>
+<p>There seems nothink <i>old</i> left in creation, save four-arf, and <span class="sc">Dannel's</span> old Dutch.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p><i>She</i>'s old, and no hapricots, <span class="sc">Charlie</span>. But <span class="sc">Dannel's</span> a decentish sort,</p>
+<p>And the way as <i>she</i> lays down the law about up-to-date woman <i>is</i> sport.</p>
+<p>'Er nutcrackers clitter and clatter; and when she is fair on the shout,</p>
+<p>Concernin' fresh feminine fashions, you bet it's a reglar knock-out!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I took <span class="sc">Lil</span>, <span class="sc">Dannel's</span> youngest, larst week to the play, with some tickets I'd got.</p>
+<p>Well, paperers mustn't be choosers. But oh, mate, of all the dashed rot</p>
+<p>They ever chucked over the footlights, this 'ere Probblem Play wos the wust!</p>
+<p>It left me with brain discumfuddled, the blues, and a thundering thust.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>It gave poor <span class="sc">Lil 'Arris</span> the 'orrors. "Lor, <span class="sc">'Arry</span>," she sez, coming out,</p>
+<p>"They've styged it, no doubt, tol-lol-poppish, but wot <i>is</i> the 'ole thing about?</p>
+<p>I feel just as creepy and 'oller, along o' these 'ere warmed-up ghosts,</p>
+<p>As if I'd bin dining on spiders. Eugh! Let's 'ave a glarss at 'The Posts.'"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>It took two 'ot tiddleys to warm 'er. An' when I was blowin' a cloud</p>
+<p>A-top o' the tram going 'ome, she sez, "<span class="sc">'Arry</span>," sez she, "<i>I</i> ain't proud,</p>
+<p>But don't tyke me never no more to no New Woman nonsense," sez she.</p>
+<p>"It's narsty; and not one good snivel <i>or</i> larf in the whole jamboree.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"I don't call them <i>people</i>, I don't." "No; they're probblems, <i>Lil</i>, that's wot <i>they</i> are.</p>
+<p>She-probblem a tearin' 'er 'air, whilst the he-probblem sucks 'is cigar;</p>
+<p>Two gurl-probblems sniffing at Marriage, that played-out old farce&mdash;at sixteen!&mdash;</p>
+<p>I thought we was fair up-to-date, <i>Lil</i>, but, bless yer, we're simply pea-green!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And when we arrived at Lamb's Conduit Street, old <span class="sc">Dannel 'Arris's</span> shop,</p>
+<p>His old Dutch got fair on the grind, and when started she's orkud to stop.</p>
+<p>"New Woman?" sez she. "<i>She</i>'s no clarss, <span class="sc">Lil</span>, and don't know a mite where she are.</p>
+<p>Yah! <i>We</i> used to call 'em Old Cats; and a sootabler name, too, by far.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"There ain't nothink new in <i>their</i> Newness; it's only old garbige warmed up.</p>
+<p>Mere bubble-and-squeak. The stale taters and greens on which poor people sup</p>
+<p>Is 'olesome compared with sich offal. Yah! Weddings'll outlast <i>that</i> lot;</p>
+<p>And while gals is gals the old Eve'll jest make the new evil seem rot."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The jawsome old guffin wos right, <i>Charlie</i>; leastways, she wosn't fur out.</p>
+<p>Yer female footballers and bikers, as swagger and go on the shout,</p>
+<p>And spile a good sport <i>and</i> their hancles, are not more complete off the track</p>
+<p>Than them as "revolt"&mdash;agin Nature, and cock their she-bokos&mdash;at fack!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>All splutter-sludge, <span class="sc">Charlie</span>! On styge or on cinder-path, sillypop things</p>
+<p>As want to play Man and <i>be</i> Woman are trying to fly without wings,</p>
+<p>Or fight without fistes. Are Men, the world's masters&mdash;like you, mate, and Me&mdash;</p>
+<p>To be knocked out by probblems in petticoats? Wot bloomin' fiddle-de-dee!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The Old Dutch, and young <span class="sc">Lil</span>, and myself are all much of a mind on this job.</p>
+<p>Old <span class="sc">'Arris</span> sez men are not in it. <i>He</i> don't mean it, I'll bet a bob.</p>
+<p>It ain't very likely, not now, that Yours Scrumptiously ever <i>will</i> marry;</p>
+<p>But <i>if</i> I should tyke a Old Woman, it won't be no New Woman!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i48"><span class="sc">'Arry.</span></p>
+  </div>  </div>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page231" id="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/231-1500.png"><img src="images/231-600.png" width="600" height="412" alt="Edith. 'I don't believe Jack will ever learn to dance'" /></a>
+<p><i>Edith.</i> "<span class="sc">I don't believe Jack will ever learn to
+Dance!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Alice</i> (<i>whose dress has suffered</i>). "<span class="sc">Worse than that&mdash;he will
+never learn not to attempt it!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>FAIR CHILDREN IN GRAFTON STREET.</h2>
+
+<p>A splendid show, though some of the children are neither fair nor
+beautiful. Note No. 114, "<i>The Chinese Boy</i>," by Sir <span class="sc">Joshua</span>. He is
+a
+boy, certainly, but his complexion has a mahogany tinge not usually
+associated with loveliness. <span class="sc">Catherine de Medicis</span>, if we may judge
+by No. 67, was a plain, decent, housewifely body, with a family of
+four horrors, three male and one female, all of whom, eventually,
+wore a crown. Can it be possible that <i>La Reine Margot</i> ever looked
+like <i>that?</i> If so, the great <span class="sc">Dumas</span> is convicted of gross deceit.
+For
+a screaming farce in oil, let the visitor look at No. 155, "<i>The Infant
+Johnson</i>," by Sir <span class="sc">Joshua</span>. Some one has evidently suggested to the
+baby lexicographer that he should have a bath. Naturally enough
+he is furious at the idea. "Sir," he seems to say, "let us take a
+perambulator down Fleet Street, or anywhere else, but let us not
+bathe." Can there not be found a companion picture of the mighty
+infant in a cheerful mood, prattling out a "What, nurse, are you
+for a frolic? Then I'm with you." In a case labelled No. 454 are
+to be seen toys, dolls, and playthings found in Children's Tombs in
+Egypt. Here, too, is the "<i>Mummy of a Baby</i>." "I see the
+baby," observed an intelligent child-visitor; "but where is its
+Mummy? <i>My</i> Mummy never ties baby up like that."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Not Due North.</span>&mdash;The <i>North British Daily Mail</i>, referring to
+the rumour that the Prince of <span class="sc">Wales</span> may go to New York in the
+autumn to see the contest for the America Cup, says: "There will be
+better racing on the Clyde than there was last year. Let the <span class="sc">Prince</span>
+come north at midsummer this year." Very likely the race on the
+Clyde will be a good one. But our Scottish contemporary forgets
+that a visit to the United States on the part of H.R.H. would be to
+the advantage of two races&mdash;the American and the British. It would
+be sure to cause good feeling on either side of the Atlantic. Why
+should not Caledonia wait?</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">By Our Own Cricket on the Hearth.</span>&mdash;For any ordinary
+English team to attempt tackling the Australian Eleven coming
+over here next season, would show not so much the merit of the
+team, but its team-erity.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>THE PRIVILEGE OF THE PRESS.</h2>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Anywhere</i>. <i>Present</i>, <span class="sc">Brown</span> <i>and</i> <span class="sc">Jones</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown</i> (<i>perusing paper</i>). Capital speech of <span class="sc">Arthur J.
+Balfour</span>
+at the Newspaper Society's Dinner the other evening. His compliments
+to the Press were in every way deserved.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones</i> (<i>also reading a journal</i>). Quite so. I am glad to see that
+the admirable publication I am now devouring objects to gambling
+in all its branches.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> So does this. There is an excellent leader on the fourth
+page exposing the scandals of the Stock Exchange.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> And here I find on page two a most earnest attack upon the
+abuses of the turf.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Such intelligent comments should do a world of good.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> I am sure of it. I know, speaking for myself, I feel much
+better after perusing a column that might have supplied the pabulum
+of a sermon.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Just my case. It really strengthens one's moral perceptions
+to come across such noble sentiments. Well, as we have both
+read the leaders, let us exchange papers.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> With pleasure, only I want just to glance at the latest odds.
+This journal gives the latest information on all matters connected
+with racing and the turf generally.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Just so, that is why I wanted to read it. Well, I must
+fill up the time by looking at the money article. Commend me to
+the city editor of this favourite production when you want to have a
+gentle flutter!</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1">"<span class="sc">Key-notes.</span>"&mdash;In anticipation of H.R.H. the Prince of <span class="sc">Wales</span>
+visiting the Isle of Man later in the year, though at present</p>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The Prince of <span class="sc">Wales</span> declines, with thanks,</p>
+<p>The invitation sent from Manx,</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p class="ind1">the House of Keys has put every quay on the bunch at His Royal
+Highness's disposal for landing.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Flower Shows and City Business.</span>&mdash;"<i>Preference Stocks.</i>
+Chatham Seconds <i>Rose</i>." What a sweet combination of colour and
+scent per scent!</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page232" id="page232"></a>[pg 232]</span></p>
+
+<h3>EXPECTEDNESS.</h3>
+
+<p class="ind">"Inevitable" is the new cant
+phrase, and certain phrases <i>are</i>
+inevitable, it would seem.</p>
+
+<p class="ind">It is inevitable, if you should
+happen to beg the pardon of one
+of the lower middle class, that he
+(or more generally <i>she</i>) will reply
+with "Granted!"</p>
+
+<p class="ind">It is inevitable, if you converse
+with a young Oxonian of immature
+intellect, that he will murder the
+<span class="sc">Queen's</span>, or (as he would call it)
+Quagger's, English by some such
+expression as "What a beastly
+sensagger!" or invite you to
+"stagger for the dagger" (<i>i.e.</i>
+stay for the day). But competent
+authorities are inclined to think
+that this laborious form of undergraduate
+wit, or "wagger," is
+doomed to speedy "extigger."</p>
+
+<p class="ind">It is inevitable that the would-be
+smart business person, when
+inditing a circular or club notice,
+will say, "Forward <i>same</i>," or, "I
+inclose <i>same</i>," instead of "<i>it</i>,"
+whatever it may happen to be.</p>
+
+<p class="ind">It is inevitable that, when <span class="sc">'Arry</span>
+wishes to be familiarly polite at
+parting, he will take his leave
+with "So long."</p>
+
+<p class="ind">It is inevitable that, when a
+young City man desires to express
+his disapproval of any individual
+or thing, he will dismiss it as
+"no class."</p>
+
+<p class="ind">It is inevitable, if you make
+any surprising or absurd statement
+to a Yankee, that his comment
+thereon will be, "Is that so!"</p>
+
+<p class="ind">It is inevitable, if you meet an
+actor "resting" in the Strand,
+that he will ask you to "Name
+it," and you will proceed to do so
+(possibly at your own expense) at
+one or more of the excellent
+drinking-bars in that locality.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 330px;"><a href="images/232-900.png"><img src="images/232-330.png" width="330" height="472" alt="A YORKSHIRE GOSSIP." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">A YORKSHIRE GOSSIP.</h3>
+
+<p><i>First Gossip.</i> "<span class="sc">So you was nivver axed tut Funeral?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Gossip.</i> "<span class="sc">Nivver as much as inside t'house. But nobbut
+wait till <i>we</i> hev' a Funeral of us own, an' <i>we</i>'ll show
+'em!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>A-DRESS BY MR. SPEAKER.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">["Certain Members object to attending
+the <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> dinner or
+<i>levées</i> in full dress."]</p>
+
+<p class="title1"><i>Mr. Speaker.</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Oh, ye must walk in silk attire,</p>
+<p class="i2">And swords and buckles wear,</p>
+<p>Gin ye wad come to dine wi' me,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or tend my <i>levées</i> mair."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p class="title1"><i>The Members.</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Oh, what's to us your silken show,</p>
+<p class="i2">And swords and buckles smart?&mdash;</p>
+<p>And if you still insist upon 't,</p>
+<p class="i2">Then you and we must part!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p class="title1"><i>Mr. Speaker.</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Then ye shall come in what attire</p>
+<p class="i2">It suits ye best to wear,</p>
+<p>Gin ye 'll consent to mind the Whip,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor plague the Party mair."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Worthy Object.</span>&mdash;It is encouraging
+to hear of a "<i>Mission
+to Deep Sea Fishermen</i>." The
+deeper the sea-fishermen are, the
+more necessary is the mission.
+These Deep Sea-Fishermen are
+generally supposed to be able to
+look after their own soles; but
+now they will receive aid in their
+work. As the Bishop of <span class="sc">Liverpool</span>
+is a prominent patron of this
+good work, it may be taken for
+granted that most of these deep
+'uns are fishermen in his Lordship's
+See.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">An Acquittal.</span>&mdash;With what a
+sense of relief does a <i>bon vivant</i>
+who has been brought up by
+Corporal <span class="sc">Ailment</span> before the
+Doctor's Court Martial hear the
+verdict of "Not Gouty!"</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>LAW IN BLANK.</h2>
+
+<p class="title1">(<i>A Natural Development of the Modern System of Suppression.</i>)</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Interior of one of the Royal Courts. Customary occupants
+and surroundings.</i> Witness <i>in the box undergoing cross-examination</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>First Counsel.</i> And now will you give me the name of the person
+you met on that occasion?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Counsel.</i> I do not wish to interfere without reason; but
+surely it is unnecessary to introduce third parties into this inquiry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Witness.</i> Perhaps I might follow the plan I adopted in my
+examination-in-chief
+and write the name on a piece of paper?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge.</i> That seems a reasonable course to pursue.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Counsel.</i> As your Lordship pleases. Then be so good as to
+give me the name as suggested. (Witness <i>complies</i>.) Thank you.
+(<i>After reading the paper.</i>) Do you spell the name with a final "e"?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Counsel.</i> Really, my learned friend is carrying matters too
+far. If the anonymity of third parties is to be preserved, such a
+leading question would reveal the identity at once.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge.</i> I suppose you mean that the query about the final "e"
+would indicate that the veiled name was "<span class="sc">Browne</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Counsel.</i> Quite so, my lord; that is a conclusion that would
+be accepted by persons of the most ordinary intelligence.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Counsel.</i> But as a matter of fact, the name to which I refer
+is certainly neither <span class="sc">Brown</span> nor <span class="sc">Browne</span>.
+I will submit the paper to your lordship.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge</i> (<i>after perusing the slip which has been handed to him
+by an usher</i>). Dear me! I am greatly surprised!</p>
+
+<p><i>Foreman of the Jury.</i> May we, my lord, learn the name?</p>
+
+<p><i>First Counsel.</i> So far as I am concerned, I shall be only too pleased
+to allow the Gentlemen of the Jury to have the fullest information on
+the point.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Counsel.</i> If I object, it is not because I have not the greatest
+confidence in the Jury's discretion, but simply as a matter of principle.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Counsel.</i> I do not see how the affair is a matter of principle,
+but if my learned friend objects I have no wish to push the point
+further. (<i>Turning to</i> Witness.) And now, where did you meet this
+person whose name we have arranged to leave undiscovered?</p>
+
+<p><i>Witness.</i> Perhaps you will allow me to write the locality on a
+piece of paper and pass it round?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge.</i> I think we may do that.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Counsel.</i> As your Lordship pleases. (<i>Course suggested
+pursued.</i>) And now, have you ever seen any one else on the subject?</p>
+
+<p><i>Witness.</i> Certainly. (<i>Produces a scroll.</i>) Here is a list. I have
+purposely written their names in shorthand, so that they may only
+be recognised by those who have a knowledge of <span class="sc">Pitman's</span> method.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge.</i> Certainly.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Counsel.</i> And that, my Lord, is my case.</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1">[<i>Sits down.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge.</i> And now, Gentlemen, before we proceed further, I
+would like to make a suggestion. When we commenced this trial we
+arranged that the names of the Plaintiff and Defendant should not
+be made public. Since then it seems to me that we should learn
+them. What do you say, Gentlemen?</p>
+
+<p><i>Foreman of the Jury.</i> We share your Lordship's curiosity.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge</i> (<i>addressing Counsel</i>). You hear.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Counsel</i> (<i>after consultation with his opponent</i>). My Lord,
+I need scarcely say that both my friend and myself are most
+anxious to meet the wishes of your Lordship. But as this is a
+point of great importance to our clients, we should like to have an
+opportunity of consulting them. No doubt the names asked for
+might only have a limited circulation&mdash;be known only to your
+Lordship and the Gentlemen of the Jury. Still there are objections
+to even so partial a publication as I have shadowed forth which make
+it most desirable that we should have an opportunity of giving the
+matter our fullest consideration. Perhaps we might adjourn until
+to-morrow morning?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge.</i> Oh, certainly, certainly.</p>
+
+<p class="rindent">[<i>Court consequently adjourns to meet the necessities of the situation.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Motto for the Vineyard Proprietors in a certain Champagne
+District.</span>&mdash;"Make Ay while the sun shines."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page233" id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span><br /></p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page234" id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/234-900.png"><img src="images/234-320.png" width="320" height="514" alt="THE OLD CRUSADERS!" /></a>
+<h2><big>THE OLD CRUSADERS!</big></h2>
+
+<p class="center2">THE DUKE OF ARG-LL AND MR. GL-DST-NE "BROTHERS IN ARMS" AGAIN!</p>
+
+<p class="center"><big><b>BULGARIA, 1876.</b>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<b>ARMENIA, 1895.</b></big></p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page235" id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span><br /></p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page236" id="page236"></a>[pg 236]</span><br /></p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page237" id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span></p>
+
+<h3>NEURALGIA.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>What do I care if sunny Spring</p>
+<p class="i2">Come now at last with balmy weather?</p>
+<p>What do I care for anything?</p>
+<p class="i2">I hate existence altogether.</p>
+<p>It makes me almost mad, in truth,</p>
+<p>This awful aching in my tooth.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>What do I care for wealth or fame,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or woman's charms the most entrancing?</p>
+<p>Despised or loved, it's all the same.</p>
+<p class="i2">You would not catch me even glancing</p>
+<p>At any face you ever saw;</p>
+<p>I'm only thinking of my jaw.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>What do I care if Trunks are low,</p>
+<p class="i2">Argentines flat, Home Rails neglected?</p>
+<p>Though mines may come and mines may go,</p>
+<p class="i2">I'm indescribably dejected.</p>
+<p>They may be, I am, "dull" and "weak."</p>
+<p>Confound my throbbing, swollen cheek!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>What do I care which party's in,</p>
+<p class="i2">To take more pennies from my income,</p>
+<p>Or, if from tax on beer or gin,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or milk and water extra "tin" come?</p>
+<p>My thoughts are "in another place";</p>
+<p>This aching spreads throughout my face.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>What do I care for any play,</p>
+<p class="i2">For dance or dinner, song or supper?</p>
+<p>With pangs like these I can't be gay.</p>
+<p class="i2">They spread from lower jaw to upper,</p>
+<p>Across my face, as I have said,</p>
+<p>And now attack my hapless head.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>What do I even care if She</p>
+<p class="i2">May frown upon her wretched lover,</p>
+<p>And like another more than me?</p>
+<p class="i2">Such pangs I might in time recover.</p>
+<p>I do not care, I do not know;</p>
+<p>I'm aching now from top to toe.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 330px;"><a href="images/237-900.png"><img src="images/237-330.png" width="330" height="464" alt="A LEFT-HANDED COMPLIMENT." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">A LEFT-HANDED COMPLIMENT.</h3>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Back again, Doctor? I've been <i>so</i> much better since
+you went away!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind">Mr. <span class="sc">Rudyard Kipling</span> has
+written another Barrack-room
+Ballad (see <i>Pall Mall Gazette</i> of
+Thursday last). It is called <i>The
+Men that fought at Minden</i>, and
+is perhaps the most coarse and
+unattractive specimen of verse
+that this great young man has
+put forth yet&mdash;a jumble of words
+without a trace of swing or
+music. All this Tommy Atkins
+business, with its "Rookies"
+and its "Johnny Raws," and
+its affectation of intimate knowledge
+of the common soldier's
+inmost feelings, is about played
+out, and the interest in it is
+not likely to be revived by such
+jargon as <i>The Men that fought
+at Minden</i>. Besides, didn't
+Lord <span class="sc">George Sackville</span> fight(?)
+at Minden?</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Explained at last.</span>&mdash;The (Zoo-) logical
+excuse given for the boa-constrictor
+when he swallowed his
+companion, was that "he only
+wanted a snack for luncheon." It
+had been hinted that he found "the
+other one" such a "boa" at meal
+times that he was determined to
+put him down. But this is not
+the fact.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>A LITTLE CHANGE.</h2>
+
+<p>Hang it all! They have blocked the street and are laying it with
+asphalte; just in May, as usual. From early morning the quiet of
+my rooms is disturbed by the noise of the work, when I go out I
+scramble over heaps of rubbish, past smoking cauldrons of pitch, and
+when I come home at night my cab drops me nearly a quarter of a
+mile away. Moreover, one neighbouring house is being painted, and
+the other is being rebuilt. I fly from falling dust and brickbats, only
+to run against ladders and paint-pots. It is awful. And now my
+Aunt <span class="sc">Jane</span> is coming up from Bath, and has invited herself to tea at
+my chambers. Her rheumatism prevents her from walking more
+than a yard or two, she cannot bear any noise, and the smell of paint
+makes her ill. She is very rich, and could leave all she has to the
+poor. Accurately speaking, that class includes me, but in my aunt's
+opinion it does not. She is very suspicious, and, if I made excuses
+and invited her to tea anywhere else, she would feel convinced that I
+was hiding some guilty secret in my dull, quiet, respectable rooms.
+She is very prim, and the mere suggestion of such a thing would
+alienate her from me for ever. Why on earth can't she stop in
+Bath? And I shall have to go with her to May meetings! It is impossible;
+I must fly. But where? She has a horror and suspicion of
+all foreign nations, except perhaps the steady, industrious Swiss.
+Good idea&mdash;Switzerland. But what reason can I give for rushing off
+just now? Someone must send me. I have it. She knows I try to
+write a little, so I will say my editor requires me to go at once to
+Geneva to write a series of articles in the Jardin Alpin d'Acclimatation
+on Alpine botany. Botany, how respectable! Geneva, how
+sedate! Makes one think at once of <span class="sc">Calvin</span> and Geneva bands.
+These sound rather frivolous, something like German bands, but they
+are not really so, only, I believe, a sort of clerical cravat. Then I
+will start off to Paris, the direct way to Geneva.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps I shall never reach Geneva. Paris will do well enough.
+No streets there taken up in the Spring. No painting on the clean
+stone houses. No rebuilding on the Boulevards. No aunt of mine
+anywhere near. I shall escape all my troubles. I shall be able to
+smoke my cigarette lazily in the pleasant courtyard of the Grand
+Hôtel, and try to imagine that I see some of the people in
+<i>Trilby</i>&mdash;<i>Little
+Billee</i>, or <i>Taffy</i>, or the <i>Laird</i>&mdash;amongst the animated,
+cosmopolitan
+crowd. And the stately giant in the gilt chain will solemnly
+arrange the newspapers in all languages, and will supply me with
+note-paper. I must be careful not to write to my aunt a long description
+of the Jardin Alpin d'Acclimatation de Geneve on paper
+stamped "Grand Hôtel, Paris." And the attentive <span class="sc">Joseph</span>, with
+those long grey whiskers, sacred to the elderly French waiter and
+the elderly French lawyer, will exclaim, "<i>V'là, M'sieu!</i>" in all
+those varied tones which make the two syllables mean "Yessir!"
+"Coming, Sir!" "Here is your coffee, Sir!" "In a minute, Sir!"
+and so many things besides. And I shall be able to watch,
+assembled from all parts of the world, some younger and prettier
+faces than my Aunt <span class="sc">Jane's</span>. That settles it. A regretful letter to
+my aunt. And to-morrow <i>en route!</i></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Change of Spelling?</span>&mdash;Our dramatic friend known to the public
+through <i>Mr. Punch</i> as <span class="sc">Enry Hauthor Jones</span> appears to have
+recently altered the spelling of his name. He has left the <span class="sc">Jones</span>
+and the <span class="sc">Henry</span> alone, but in the <i>Times</i> of Friday he appears as
+"<span class="sc">Henry Arth<i>e</i>r Jones</span>," "U" out of it; and what was "E"
+doing there?</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Presentation to the Rev. Guinness Rogers.</span>&mdash;Last week this
+worthy minister was presented by his Congregationalists with an
+address and a cheque for a thousand guineas, Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>,
+ex-minister,
+being among the subscribers. In future the <i>bénéficiaire</i>
+will be remembered as the "Reverend Thousand <span class="sc">Guinness Rogers</span>."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">Music Note</span> (<i>after hearing Mr. J. M. Coward's performance on
+the Orchestral Harmonium</i>).&mdash;It would be high praise to say of any
+organist that "he attacks his instrument in a Cowardly manner."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Very Appropriate.</span>"&mdash;Last Wednesday the Right Hon. <span class="sc">A. W.
+<i>Peel</i></span> became a "<i>Skinner</i>."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page238" id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span></p>
+
+<h3>A COMING CHARGE.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Prematurely Communicated by our Prophetic Reporter.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>Gentlemen of the Jury, for the
+last couple of years or so you have
+no doubt read any number of denunciations
+of the conduct of the
+man whose actions you are now
+about to investigate. You have
+heard him abused right and left.
+You have seen pictures of him, in
+which he has been held up to
+scorn and public ridicule. You
+have heard it announced in all
+quarters that he is a scoundrel
+and a thief. And as this has
+been the case, Gentlemen of the
+Jury, it is my duty to tell you
+that you must put aside the recollection
+of these attacks. You
+must treat the prisoner before
+you as if he were immaculate.
+In fact you must lay aside all
+prejudice, and give the man a
+fair trial; and, Gentlemen, it is
+my duty (sanctioned by precedent)
+to have the pleasure of informing
+you that I am sure you will!
+Yes, Gentlemen of the Jury,
+having regard to all the circumstances
+of the case, I repeat, I
+am sure you will!</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1">At the National Liberal Club, on
+Wednesday, Lord <span class="sc">Rosebery</span> told
+the company they were not dancing
+on a volcano. That may be true,
+but it is equally true that the
+Government, in proposing to remit
+the sixpenny duty on whisky,
+are riding for a fall in (or, shall
+we say, a drop of) the "crater."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/238-900.png"><img src="images/238-360.png" width="360" height="474" alt="A WELLINGTON (STREET) MEMORIAL." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">A WELLINGTON (STREET) MEMORIAL.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">General Opinion (Mr. Punch) presents the Medal of the
+Highest Order of Histrionic Merit to Henry Irving in
+recognition of distinguished service as <i>Corporal Gregory
+Brewster</i> in the action of Conan Doyle's "Story of Waterloo.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>ON THE NEW STATUE.</h3>
+
+<p class="ind2">["Her Majesty's Government are
+about to entrust to one of our first
+sculptors a great historical statue,
+which has too long been wanting to
+the series of those who have governed
+England."&mdash;<i>Lord Rosebery at the
+Royal Academy Banquet.</i>]</p>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Our "Uncrowned King" at last to stand</p>
+<p class="i2">'Midst the legitimate Lord's Anointed?</p>
+<p>How will they shrink, that sacred band,</p>
+<p class="i2">Dismayed, disgusted, disappointed!</p>
+<p>The <i>parvenu</i> Protector thrust</p>
+<p class="i2">Amidst the true Porphyrogeniti?</p>
+<p>How will it stir right royal dust!</p>
+<p class="i2">The mutton-eating king's amenity</p>
+<p>Were hardly proof against this slur.</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="sc">William</span> the thief, <span class="sc">Rufus</span> the bully,</p>
+<p>The traitor <span class="sc">John</span>, and <span class="sc">James</span> the cur,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Their royal purple how 'twill sully</p>
+<p>To rub against the brewer's buff!</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Harry</span>, old Mother Church's glory</p>
+<p>Meet this Conventicler?&mdash;Enough!</p>
+<p class="i2">The Butcher dimmed not England's story</p>
+<p>But rather brightened her renown.</p>
+<p class="i2">In camp and court it must be said,</p>
+<p>And if he did not win a crown,</p>
+<p class="i2">At least he never <i>lost his head!</i></p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center">Among Mr. <span class="sc">Le Gallienne's</span> new
+poems there is one entitled <i>Tree
+Worship</i>. It is <i>not</i> dedicated
+to the lessee of the Haymarket
+Theatre by "an Admirer."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>A MAY MEETING.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem width24">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>They met in a cake-shop hard by the Strand,</p>
+<p class="i2">He in black broadcloth, and she in silk.</p>
+<p>She had a glass of "fizz" in her hand,</p>
+<p class="i2">He had a bun and a cup of milk.</p>
+<p>She had a sunshade of burnished crimson,</p>
+<p class="i2">He had a brolly imperfectly furled,</p>
+<p>And a pair of <i>pince-nez</i> with tortoiseshell rims on.</p>
+<p class="i2">He looked the Church, and she seemed the World.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They sat on each side of a marble table,</p>
+<p class="i2">His legs were curled round the legs of his chair.</p>
+<p>Around them babbled a miniature Babel;</p>
+<p class="i2">The sunlight gleamed on her coppery hair.</p>
+<p>She held a crumpled Academy Guide,</p>
+<p class="i2">Scored with crosses in bold blacklead;</p>
+<p>A pile of leaflets lay at his side,</p>
+<p class="i2">And he grasped a Report, which he gravely read.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>His shaven lip was pendulous, long,</p>
+<p class="i2">Her mouth was a cherry-hued <i>moue mutine</i>,</p>
+<p>His complacent, uncomely, strong,</p>
+<p class="i2">Hers soft appetence sharpened with spleen.</p>
+<p>Her eyes scale-glitter, his oyster-dim,</p>
+<p class="i2">His huge mouth hardened, her small lips curled</p>
+<p>As he gazed at her and she glanced at him;</p>
+<p class="i2">He looked the Church, and she seemed the World.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"A holy spouter from Exeter Hall!"</p>
+<p class="i2">(So she mused as she sipped her wine.)</p>
+<p>"A butterfly in the Belial thrall</p>
+<p class="i2">Of Vanity Fair, all tinkle and shine!"</p>
+<p>So thought he as he crumbled his bun</p>
+<p class="i2">With clumsy fingers in loose black cloth;</p>
+<p>And the impish spirit of genial fun</p>
+<p class="i2">Hovered about them and mocked them both.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Mutual ignorance, mutual scorn,</p>
+<p class="i2">Revealed in glances aflame though fleeting;</p>
+<p>Such, in the glow of this glad May morn,</p>
+<p class="i2">The inhuman spirit of mortal meeting.</p>
+<p>The worm must disparage the butterfly,</p>
+<p class="i2">The butterfly must despise the worm;</p>
+<p>And Scorn, the purblind, will ne'er descry</p>
+<p class="i2">A common bond, or a middle term.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Modish folly, factitious Art?</p>
+<p class="i2">True, grave homilist, sadly true!</p>
+<p>But <i>Boanerges</i> truculent, tart,</p>
+<p class="i2">What of the part that is played by you?</p>
+<p>You denouncing the "Snare of Beauty,"</p>
+<p class="i2">She affecting to feel its spell,&mdash;</p>
+<p>Which falls shortest of human duty?</p>
+<p class="i2">Shallow censor, can <i>you</i> quite tell?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Meanwhile the lilac is blithely budding,</p>
+<p class="i2">And sweetly breatheth the nutty May,</p>
+<p>The golden sunshine the earth is flooding,</p>
+<p class="i2">And you&mdash;you echo the old, old bray</p>
+<p>Of <i>Boanerges</i>. A broader greeting</p>
+<p class="i2">Of brotherhood full, warm hearts, wide eyes</p>
+<p>Might lend a meaning to your "May Meeting"</p>
+<p class="i2">To gladden the gentle and win the wise.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1">"<span class="sc">What's in a Name? A Rossa, &amp;c.</span>"&mdash;Before
+being ejected from the House of Commons
+on Wednesday last, <span class="sc">O'Donovan Rossa</span>
+shouted out that "A stain had been put upon
+his name." Where is the ingenious craftsman
+who did it? He might try his hand
+next time at gilding refined gold.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Query.</span>&mdash;Can a champagne wine from the
+vintage of "Ay" be invariably and fairly
+described as "Ay 1"?</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>MODES AND METALS.</h3>
+
+<p class="title1">["Neckties made of aluminium have just been
+invented in Germany."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="ind">Visited my tailor's puddling works to-day.
+He has some really neat new pig-iron fabrics
+for the season. I am thinking of trying his
+Bessemer steel indestructible evening-dress
+suits.</p>
+
+<p class="ind">Really this new plan of mineral clothing
+comes in very usefully when one is attacked
+by roughs on a dark night. Floored an
+assailant most satisfactorily with a touch of
+my lead handkerchief.</p>
+
+<p class="ind">The only objection I can find to my
+aluminium summer suiting is its tendency to
+get red hot if I stand in the sun for five
+minutes.</p>
+
+<p class="ind">I think I can now safely defy my laundress
+to injure my patent safety ironclad steel
+shirts.</p>
+
+<p class="ind">I find, however, that there is no need of a
+laundress at all. When one's linen is soiled,
+sand-paper and a mop will clean it in no time.</p>
+
+<p class="ind">My frock-coat has got a nasty kink in it;
+must send it to be repaired at the smelting
+furnace.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Once Cut don't Come Again!</span>&mdash;It was
+said by <i>The Figaro</i> last week that Japan
+would demand "an extra payment of one
+hundred millions of taels by China." But
+surely a hundred million Chinamen would
+evince a pig-headed obstinacy in parting
+with, or being parted from, their "tails" on
+any consideration.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">A Lightship Sunk.</span>"&mdash;Impossible!
+couldn't have been a lightship, it must have
+been a very heavy ship.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page239" id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/239a-1500.png"><img src="images/239a-600.png" width="600" height="391" alt="Daughter (enthusiastically). 'Oh, Mamma!'" /></a>
+<p><i>Daughter</i> (<i>enthusiastically</i>). "<span class="sc">Oh, Mamma! I
+<i>must</i> Learn Bicycling! So delightful to go at such a pace!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mamma</i> (<i>severely</i>). "<span class="sc">No thank you, my dear; you are <i>quite</i>
+'fast' enough already!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p class="title1">EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;"><a href="images/239b-720.png"><img src="images/239b-200.png" width="200" height="295" alt="The Joys of Office. 'Speaker! Hats off, Strangers!'" /></a>
+<p class="center">The Joys of Office.<br /> "Speaker! Hats off, Strangers!"</p></div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 200px;"><a href="images/239c-580.png"><img src="images/239c-200.png" width="200" height="369" alt="The Cares of Office." /></a>
+<p class="center">The Cares of Office.<br />
+Mr. Cawmel-Bannerman crosses the Lobby.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, May 6.</i>&mdash;Welsh Disestablishment
+Bill on. So is The Man from Shropshire. <span class="sc">Stanley Leighton</span>, as
+<span class="sc">George Trevelyan</span> pointed out long ago, is irresistibly like the
+ruined Chancery Suitor of <i>Bleak House</i>. Always dashing into debate
+as The Man from Shropshire broke in on the business of the Court of Chancery.
+"Mr. Chairman!" he shouts, and waves his arms, as The Man from Shropshire
+cried aloud, "My lord! My lord!" and tried to seize the Lord Chancellor
+by wig or neck. After first ebullition, our Man from Shropshire
+quietens down. Argues with gravity of tone and manner that seem to imply
+he has something to say. Turns out he hasn't; but, on the Welsh Disestablishment
+Bill, that no matter.</p>
+
+<p>Curious how this Church Bill brings to the front men who, if heard
+at all, certainly do not speak in chorus on any other question. After
+The Man from Shropshire comes <span class="sc">Tomlinson</span>, who, early in proceedings,
+displays irresistible tendency to discuss points of order with
+<span class="sc">Speaker</span>. New <span class="sc">Speaker</span> has, however, already got hand in, and,
+before <span class="sc">Tomlinson</span>, who remembers being on his feet addressing Chair,
+quite knows where he is, he finds himself sitting down again, <span class="sc">Cranborne</span>
+also on warpath, his very hair bristling with indignation at this
+fresh attack on the Church. Glib <span class="sc">Griffith-Boscawen</span>
+has a field-night; makes long speech on moving Instruction
+standing in his own name. His obvious, unaffected enjoyment of his
+own oratory should be infectious; but isn't.</p>
+
+<p>Colonel <span class="sc">Lockwood</span>, that pillar of the Church, was
+the first called on in Committee to move amendment.
+Colonel not in his place. Report has it the devout
+man is in library reading <span class="sc">Thomas À Kempis</span>, or <span class="sc">Drelincourt</span>
+on Death. Here is opportunity for <span class="sc">Glib-Griffith</span>
+to make another speech. Dashes in; starting
+off with promise of good half-hour; desire for <span class="sc">Lockwood's</span>
+appearance irresistible. As <span class="sc">Addison</span> says, with
+hereditary disposition to drop into poetry, and the belief
+that he is quoting <span class="sc">Tennyson</span>,</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page240" id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span></p>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Better fifty words from <span class="sc">Lockwood</span></p>
+<p>Than a thousand from <span class="sc">Boscawen</span>.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Scouts sent out in all directions. The Colonel discovered in sort of
+oratory he has contrived in far recess of library. Brought back to
+House; found <span class="sc">Boscawen</span> bowling along. "This is my show," said
+the Colonel as he passed <span class="sc">Boscawen</span> on his way to his seat. More
+fierceness in his eye than befit the man or the occasion. <span class="sc">Boscawen</span>
+stared over his head, and went on with his speech. Opportunity too
+precious to be lost. If <span class="sc">Lockwood</span> meant to move his amendment he
+should have been there when called upon. He wasn't: <span class="sc">Boscawen</span>
+found it, so to speak, by roadside. Now it was his; would make
+the most of it; pegged along whilst the Colonel muttered remarks
+as he glared upon him. Some who sat by said it was a prayer.
+Others, catching a word here and there, said it was a quotation from
+<span class="sc">Thomas À Kempis</span>. Whatever it might have been, Colonel seemed
+much moved. Hardly pacified when, at end of twenty minutes,
+<span class="sc">Glib-Griffith</span> sat down, and <span class="sc">Lockwood</span>, finding himself in
+peculiar
+position of seconding his own amendment, delivered the speech he
+had prepared for moving it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Got into Committee on Welsh Disestablishment
+Bill.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Pretty to see <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> drop down on <span class="sc">George
+Russell</span> just now for speaking
+disrespectfully of <span class="sc">Silomio</span>. That
+eminent patriot, having in his
+newly-assumed character of Patron
+Saint of Japan, cross-examined
+<span class="sc">Edward Grey</span> upon latest Treaty
+negotiations, accused <span class="sc">Asquith</span> of
+nothing less than stealing a county.
+"Filching" was precise word,
+which has its equivalent in Slang
+Dictionary in sneaking. Idea of
+<span class="sc">Home Secretary</span> hovering over
+the Marches in dead of night, and,
+when he thought no one was looking,
+picking up Monmouthshire,
+and putting it in his coat-tail
+pocket, amused scanty audience.
+But <span class="sc">Silomio</span> really wrath. "Always
+Anti-English this Government,"
+he exclaimed, with scornful
+sweep of red right hand along line
+of smiling faces on Treasury Bench.
+"A stirring burst of British patriotism,"
+<span class="sc">George Russell</span> characterised
+it. <span class="sc">John Bull</span> <i>in
+excelsis</i>. The more notable since,
+on reference to official record, he
+found the Knight from Sheffield
+was born in the United States,
+and descended from the Pilgrim
+Fathers.</p>
+
+<p>"Which one?" inquired voice
+from back bench, an inquiry very
+properly disregarded. (A new
+phrase this, <span class="sc">Sark</span> notes, for use by
+retired tradesmen, setting up to spend rest of useful lives in retirement
+at Clapham or Camberwell. To trace their family tree back to
+transplantation at period of Conquest, played out. Instead of
+"Came over with the Conqueror," newer, more picturesque, equally
+historical to say, "Came over with the Pilgrim Fathers.")</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> not in mood for speculation of this kind. Cut to
+the heart by remarks he suspected of slighting intent towards his
+friend and colleague. In <span class="sc">Silomio Prince Arthur</span> has long learned
+to recognise all the graces and all the talents. Apart from personal
+consideration, he feels how much the Party owe to him for having
+raised within its ranks the standard of culture and conduct. To have
+him attacked, even in fun, by an Under Secretary, was more than
+he could stand. So, in gravest tone, with no flicker of a smile on his
+expressive countenance, he declared that a more unfortunate speech
+he had never heard. "If the hon. gentleman intends," he added,
+"to take a considerable part in debate, I would earnestly recommend
+him either to change the character of his humour, or entirely
+to repress the exhibition."</p>
+
+<p>Beautiful! In its way, all things considered, best thing <span class="sc">Prince
+Arthur</span> has done this Session. House grinned; but two big hot
+tears coursed down cheek of <span class="sc">Silomio</span>, making deep furrows in the
+war paint.</p>
+
+<p>"That's tit for tat with <span class="sc">Georgie Russell</span>," said <span class="sc">Herbert
+Gardner</span> to <span class="sc">Solicitor-General</span>, with vague recollection of a
+historic phrase.</p>
+
+<p>"Quite perfect," said <span class="sc">Lockwood</span>. "But what a loss the stage
+has sustained by <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> taking to politics? Tried both
+myself and know something about it." <i>Business done.</i>&mdash;An eight
+hours day with Welsh Disestablishment Bill.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><a href="images/240-980.png"><img src="images/240-450.png" width="450" height="482" alt="Piling Peeler upon Rossa!" /></a>
+<p class="center">Piling Peeler upon Rossa!</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Tanner's</span> curiosity inconveniently uncontrollable.
+At end of sitting given up to Scotland no one thinking about
+<span class="sc">Commander-in-Chief</span> or <span class="sc">Tanner</span> either. Successive divisions had
+carried sitting far beyond midnight, that blessed hour at which, in
+ordinary circumstances, debate stands adjourned. Quarter of an hour
+occupied in dividing on question whether they should divide on amendment.
+Proposal affirmed; another quarter of an hour spent in fresh
+division. Nothing possible further to be done, Members streamed
+forth, scrambling for cabs in Palace Yard. <span class="sc">Conybeare</span> in charge of
+a Bill dealing with false alarms of fire, managed to get it through
+Committee unopposed. Members little recked how near they were to
+real alarm of worse than fire.</p>
+
+<p>Twenty minutes earlier, when last division taken, over 330
+Members filled House. Now the tide ebbed; only the thirty odd
+Members in their places jealously watching <span class="sc">Speaker</span> running through
+Orders of the Day. <span class="sc">Tanner</span> bobbing up and down on bench like
+parched pea. Heard it somewhere whispered that Duke of <span class="sc">Cambridge</span>,
+worn out with long campaign, about to unhelm, unbuckle
+his sword, hang up his dinted armour. <span class="sc">Tanner</span> feels he can't go to
+bed leaving unsettled the problem of truth or phantasy. Not a
+moment to be lost. <span class="sc">Speaker</span> risen to put question "That this House
+do now adjourn." Then <span class="sc">Tanner</span> blurts out the inquiry, "Is it
+true?" "Order! order!" says
+the <span class="sc">Speaker</span>. Well, if they didn't
+like the question in the form he
+had first put it, he would try
+again.</p>
+
+<p>"I would ask," he said, adopting
+conditional mood as least likely to
+hurt anyone's feelings, "whether
+a member of the Royal Family
+who has really" (most desirous of
+not putting it too strongly, but
+really you know) "been drawing
+public money too long is going to
+retire?"</p>
+
+<p>"Order! order!" roared the few
+Members present.</p>
+
+<p>"I would ask that question,"
+repeated <span class="sc">Tanner</span>, still in the conditional
+mood, but nodding confidentially
+all round.</p>
+
+<p>The Blameless <span class="sc">Bartley</span> happily
+at post of duty. Broke in with
+protest. <span class="sc">Speaker</span> ruled question
+out of order. But the good <span class="sc">Tanner</span>
+came back like a bad sixpence.</p>
+
+<p>"Is his Royal Highness going
+to retire?" he insisted, getting redder
+than ever in the face. "Order!
+order!" shouted Members in chorus.
+Thus encouraged, <span class="sc">Tanner</span> sang out
+the solo again, "Is his Royal Highness
+going to retire?"</p>
+
+<p>That was his question. The
+<span class="sc">Speaker</span>, distinctly differing,
+affirmed "The question is that the
+House do now adjourn;" which it did straightway, leaving Dr.
+<span class="sc">Tanner</span> to go to a sleepless bed haunted by an unanswered question.</p>
+
+<p>"What I should like," said Lieut.-General Sir <span class="sc">Frederick Wellington
+Fitz Wygram</span>, who served in the Crimea with H.R.H., has
+been in command of the Cavalry Brigade at Aldershot, and in other
+positions come in personal contact with the <span class="sc">Commander-in-Chief</span>,
+"What I should like," he repeated reflectively, stroking his chin,
+"would be the opportunity, enjoyed from a safe distance, of hearing
+the Dook personally reply to <span class="sc">Tanner's</span> interrogation."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Wrangle all night round Scotch Committee.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Squire</span> sat through dull morning sitting listening with
+air of pathetic resignation to Members talking round Budget. <span class="sc">Quilter</span>
+led off with prodigiously long paper on the Art of Brewing Beer.
+Seems they fill up the cup with all kinds of mysterious ingredients.
+<span class="sc">Brookfield</span>, looking round and observing both <span class="sc">Joseph</span> and
+<span class="sc">Jesse</span>
+absent, whispered in ear of sympathetic Chairman that Birmingham
+has reputation in the Trade of making and drinking beer containing
+minimum of malt, maximum of sugar, and warranted to do the
+greatest damage to the system. <span class="sc">Squire</span>, momentarily waking up
+from mournful mood, observed that Birmingham is also headquarters
+of Liberal Unionism. Might be nothing in coincidence, but
+there it was. <span class="sc">Rasch</span> posed as the distressed agriculturist.
+<span class="sc">Jokim</span>
+tried to walk on both sides of road at same time, and Government
+got majority of 24. <i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Budget Resolutions agreed to.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h4>TO YVETTE GUILBERT AT THE EMPIRE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">Yvette!</span> your praise resounds on every hand.</p>
+<p>And those laugh loudest who least understand.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="tn">
+
+<h4>Transcriber's Note</h4>
+
+<p>Page 229: 'visistor' corrected to 'visitor'.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Knock.</i>) Ah, here comes my visitor. (<i>Enter stranger.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>The illustration for 'The Old Crusaders' originally covered 2 pages,
+pp. 234 and 235 (centrefold/centerfold), with a blank page on either side.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
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+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
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+
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+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #44790 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/44790)
diff --git a/old/44790-8.txt b/old/44790-8.txt
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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108,
+May 18th, 1895, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, May 18th, 1895
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 29, 2014 [EBook #44790]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+Volume 108, May 18th 1895.
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: HOP PROSPECTS.
+
+SAID PULEX THE SKIPPER TO MISS CICADA, "DO YOU EXPECT A GOOD HOPPING
+SEASON THIS YEAR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ODE TO A (LONDON) "LARK."
+
+    (_Some Way after Quisquis._)
+
+  Oh, "lark," which all the "Comiques" sing,
+    And every drunken rowdy pup, too;
+  Sure you're a vicious, vulgar thing
+    As ever toper swigged a cup to.
+
+  Hints of the boozy and the blue
+    Surround you; sodden brains you soften;
+  Yet rhymsters make a song of you,
+    And rowdies sing it--far too often.
+
+  The aim of every loose-lipped lout
+    Appears to be to "lark" divinely;
+  When from his haunts he gets chucked out,
+    He deems his "spree" has ended finely.
+
+  He tracks the "lark"--aye, "like a bird,"
+    Upon the turf, among its "daisies";
+  But, by sweet SHELLEY, 'tis absurd,
+    Foul bird of prey, to pipe your _praises!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A KIND OFFER.--A lady who is not well up in Parliamentary matters
+writes to us saying that she has seen mentioned in the papers "Mr.
+Speaker's Retirement Bill," and would very much like to know what the
+amount is. Her admiration for the late SPEAKER is so great that, our
+fair correspondent goes on to say, she would willingly defray the
+whole amount herself, or if the total be too much for her pocket,
+then would she cheerfully head a subscription list. She is perfectly
+certain that Mr. PEEL was a very moderate man, and therefore the
+entire sum cannot be very startling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RATHER "BOLD ADVERTISEMENT."
+
+    ["Advertisements for some time past have been inserted in
+    Government publications."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+SCENE--_Room of a_ Secretary of State. _Present_ Right Hon. Gentleman
+_attended by his_ Private Secretary.
+
+_Right Hon. Gentleman._ Well, TENTERFORE, anything for me this
+morning?
+
+_Private Secretary._ I think not. You will find that I have worked out
+the answers to to-day's questions--the list is not a very heavy one,
+only a couple of dozen queries or thereabouts.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ That's right. Such a lot of time is wasted in that
+sort of thing. And has anyone come for me?
+
+_Priv. Sec._ No one of importance. A fellow with a new invention or
+something of that sort. Said you were extremely busy just now, but
+that if he would write, his letter would receive the attention of the
+department.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Was he satisfied?
+
+_Priv. Sec._ (_smiling_). Well, I fear not entirely. I think he must
+have had some experience of Government offices. He said he preferred
+to see you personally.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_amused_). I daresay he would. Anyone else?
+
+_Priv. Sec._ Only a man about advertisements.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_aghast_). You did not send _him_ away?
+
+_Priv. Sec._ Well, no. I believe he is still in the waiting-room. But
+surely you don't want to see him?
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Of course I do. A most important person. Send a
+messenger for him at once. (_Exit_ Private Secretary.) That's the
+worst of TENTERFORE--so impulsive! Means well, but so very impulsive!
+(_Knock._) Ah, here comes my visitor. (_Enter stranger._) My very dear
+Sir, I am delighted to see you. (_He shakes hands warmly and
+provides him with an arm-chair._) I am sorry you should have been
+detained--quite a mistake.
+
+_Stranger_ (_surprised_). You are most kind. I come about some
+advertisements.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ I know, my dear Sir, I know. Now what can I tempt
+you with? You arrive at a most fortunate moment. We are thinking of
+letting the sides of our cruisers for posters. The Mediterranean fleet
+will be a most excellent medium. We can do sixteen double crowns at
+a very reasonable rate; of course the Admiral's flag-ship would be a
+trifle extra. Is your leading article soap, pickles, or hair-dye?
+
+_Stranger._ I am afraid you do not understand me.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Oh yes, I do; but, if you object to marine
+advertisements, I think we can suit you on land. We have several
+commanding positions on the colours of some of the most popular
+regiments in the service vacant. (_Showing plans._) You see we can
+insert type--we object to blocks--on the material without interfering
+with the badges or the victories. A most admirable medium, I assure
+you.
+
+_Stranger._ You really are in error. I wish to say----
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_interrupting_). Yes, I know. You think that
+something would be better. Well, we can put advertisements on the
+backs of all petitions presented to Parliament, and let you out
+hoardings in front of the more prominent of the Government offices.
+How would that suit you?
+
+_Stranger._ Really, you must allow me to explain. Advertisements
+of matters interesting to mariners--such as notices of wrecks--are
+inserted solely in the _London Gazette_ and----
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Ah, you are thinking of the sky signs. Well, of
+course, we might utilise the lighthouses, but we have not quite made
+up our minds whether such a course might not cause confusion in misty
+weather.
+
+_Stranger._ I was going to propose that the Government might feel
+inclined to insert the advertisements to which I have referred in a
+paper with which I am connected, and which is extensively circulated
+amongst seafaring men.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_astounded_). You want _me_ to give _you_ an
+advertisement! No, Sir; now that we have taken up advertisements we
+insert them and don't give them out. (_Enter_ Private Secretary.) Mr.
+TENTERFORE, be so good as to explain to this gentleman that my time is
+valuable.
+
+    [_Scene closes in upon the_ Secretary of State _performing the
+    now rather miscellaneous duties appertaining to his office._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRIEF STAY IN LONDON OF THE EMINENT FRENCH NOVELIST.--He has not quite
+mastered our idioms, but he has made a pun in English, when saying,
+"_J'y suis, moi, Daudet; je pars demain_," _i.e._, "I am here
+_Do-day_, and gone to-morrow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTION.--"_The Attaree Khat Tea Co._" is a nice name. Why
+not follow with the "_Attaree Khat and Kitten Milk Co._"? Very
+attaree-active to some pussons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO (ADDRESSED TO FLUTES, HAUTBOYS, &C.) FOR CONDUCTOR OF THE
+STRAUSS ORCHESTRA.--"STRAUSS shows how the wind is to blow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"INFANT PHENOMENON!"--At Drury Lane, the arduous part of _Don Cæsar_
+in the opera of _Maritana_ was last Friday played by a CHILD!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WORD OF COMMAND FOR HOSPITAL SUNDAY.--"Present Alms!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.
+
+_Algy._ "COME AND DINE WITH ME WITH ME TO-NIGHT, SNOBBINGTON?"
+
+_Snobbington._ "SORRY TO SAY I CAN'T, OLD CHAPPIE. AFRAID I'VE GO TO
+GO AND DINE WITH THAT OLD FOOL, LORD BOREHAM, FOR MY SINS!"
+
+_Lord Boreham_ (_from behind his Newspaper_). "PRAY CONSIDER YOURSELF
+EXCUSED THIS EVENING, MR.----MR.----A--I FIND I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU BY
+SIGHT!"
+
+    [_Which is quite true!_
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRY AND THE NEW WOMAN.
+
+  Dear CHARLIE,--'Ow are you, old shipmate? _I_'ve bin layin' low
+          for a time.
+  'Ard years these 'ere Nineties, my nibs, yus, and bizness 'as bin
+          fur from prime.
+  All grind and no gay galoot, CHARLIE, of late 'as bin _my_ little
+          lot;
+  An' between you and me _and_ the post, I think most things is
+          going to pot!
+
+  It's Newness wot's doing it, CHARLIE! "Lor! _that_'s a rum
+          gospel," sez you.
+  Well, p'raps in your green tooral-looral you don't hear so much of
+          the New;
+  But in town with New Art, and New Women, New Drammer, New Humour,
+          and such,
+  There seems nothink _old_ left in creation, save four-arf, and
+          DANNEL'S old Dutch.
+
+  _She_'s old, and no hapricots, CHARLIE. But DANNEL'S a decentish
+          sort,
+  And the way as _she_ lays down the law about up-to-date woman _is_
+          sport.
+  'Er nutcrackers clitter and clatter; and when she is fair on the
+          shout,
+  Concernin' fresh feminine fashions, you bet it's a reglar knock-out!
+
+  I took LIL, DANNEL'S youngest, larst week to the play, with some
+          tickets I'd got.
+  Well, paperers mustn't be choosers. But oh, mate, of all the
+          dashed rot
+  They ever chucked over the footlights, this 'ere Probblem Play wos
+          the wust!
+  It left me with brain discumfuddled, the blues, and a thundering
+          thust.
+
+  It gave poor LIL 'ARRIS the 'orrors. "Lor, 'ARRY," she sez, coming
+          out,
+  "They've styged it, no doubt, tol-lol-poppish, but wot _is_ the
+          'ole thing about?
+  I feel just as creepy and 'oller, along o' these 'ere warmed-up
+          ghosts,
+  As if I'd bin dining on spiders. Eugh! Let's 'ave a glarss at 'The
+          Posts.'"
+
+  It took two 'ot tiddleys to warm 'er. An' when I was blowin' a cloud
+  A-top o' the tram going 'ome, she sez, "'ARRY," sez she, "_I_
+          ain't proud,
+  But don't tyke me never no more to no New Woman nonsense," sez she.
+  "It's narsty; and not one good snivel _or_ larf in the whole
+          jamboree.
+
+  "I don't call them _people_, I don't." "No; they're probblems,
+          _Lil_, that's wot _they_ are.
+  She-probblem a tearin' 'er 'air, whilst the he-probblem sucks 'is
+          cigar;
+  Two gurl-probblems sniffing at Marriage, that played-out old
+          farce--at sixteen!--
+  I thought we was fair up-to-date, _Lil_, but, bless yer, we're
+          simply pea-green!"
+
+  And when we arrived at Lamb's Conduit Street, old DANNEL 'ARRIS'S
+          shop,
+  His old Dutch got fair on the grind, and when started she's orkud
+          to stop.
+  "New Woman?" sez she. "_She_'s no clarss, LIL, and don't know a
+          mite where she are.
+  Yah! _We_ used to call 'em Old Cats; and a sootabler name, too, by
+          far.
+
+  "There ain't nothink new in _their_ Newness; it's only old garbige
+          warmed up.
+  Mere bubble-and-squeak. The stale taters and greens on which poor
+          people sup
+  Is 'olesome compared with sich offal. Yah! Weddings'll outlast
+          _that_ lot;
+  And while gals is gals the old Eve'll jest make the new evil seem
+          rot."
+
+  The jawsome old guffin wos right, _Charlie_; leastways, she wosn't
+          fur out.
+  Yer female footballers and bikers, as swagger and go on the shout,
+  And spile a good sport _and_ their hancles, are not more complete
+          off the track
+  Than them as "revolt"--agin Nature, and cock their she-bokos--at
+          fack!
+
+  All splutter-sludge, CHARLIE! On styge or on cinder-path, sillypop
+          things
+  As want to play Man and _be_ Woman are trying to fly without wings,
+  Or fight without fistes. Are Men, the world's masters--like you,
+          mate, and Me--
+  To be knocked out by probblems in petticoats? Wot bloomin'
+          fiddle-de-dee!
+
+  The Old Dutch, and young LIL, and myself are all much of a mind on
+          this job.
+  Old 'ARRIS sez men are not in it. _He_ don't mean it, I'll bet a
+          bob.
+  It ain't very likely, not now, that Yours Scrumptiously ever
+          _will_ marry;
+  But _if_ I should tyke a Old Woman, it won't be no New Woman!
+
+  'ARRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Edith._ "I DON'T BELIEVE JACK WILL EVER LEARN TO
+DANCE!"
+
+_Alice_ (_whose dress has suffered_). "WORSE THAN THAT--HE WILL NEVER
+LEARN NOT TO ATTEMPT IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAIR CHILDREN IN GRAFTON STREET.
+
+A splendid show, though some of the children are neither fair nor
+beautiful. Note No. 114, "_The Chinese Boy_," by Sir JOSHUA. He is a
+boy, certainly, but his complexion has a mahogany tinge not usually
+associated with loveliness. CATHERINE DE MEDICIS, if we may judge by
+No. 67, was a plain, decent, housewifely body, with a family of four
+horrors, three male and one female, all of whom, eventually, wore
+a crown. Can it be possible that _La Reine Margot_ ever looked like
+_that?_ If so, the great DUMAS is convicted of gross deceit. For a
+screaming farce in oil, let the visitor look at No. 155, "_The Infant
+Johnson_," by Sir JOSHUA. Some one has evidently suggested to the
+baby lexicographer that he should have a bath. Naturally enough he
+is furious at the idea. "Sir," he seems to say, "let us take a
+perambulator down Fleet Street, or anywhere else, but let us not
+bathe." Can there not be found a companion picture of the mighty
+infant in a cheerful mood, prattling out a "What, nurse, are you for a
+frolic? Then I'm with you." In a case labelled No. 454 are to be seen
+toys, dolls, and playthings found in Children's Tombs in Egypt.
+Here, too, is the "_Mummy of a Baby_." "I see the baby," observed an
+intelligent child-visitor; "but where is its Mummy? _My_ Mummy never
+ties baby up like that."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT DUE NORTH.--The _North British Daily Mail_, referring to the
+rumour that the Prince of WALES may go to New York in the autumn
+to see the contest for the America Cup, says: "There will be better
+racing on the Clyde than there was last year. Let the PRINCE come
+north at midsummer this year." Very likely the race on the Clyde will
+be a good one. But our Scottish contemporary forgets that a visit to
+the United States on the part of H.R.H. would be to the advantage of
+two races--the American and the British. It would be sure to cause
+good feeling on either side of the Atlantic. Why should not Caledonia
+wait?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY OUR OWN CRICKET ON THE HEARTH.--For any ordinary English team to
+attempt tackling the Australian Eleven coming over here next season,
+would show not so much the merit of the team, but its team-erity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRIVILEGE OF THE PRESS.
+
+    SCENE--_Anywhere_. _Present_, BROWN _and_ JONES.
+
+_Brown_ (_perusing paper_). Capital speech of ARTHUR J. BALFOUR at the
+Newspaper Society's Dinner the other evening. His compliments to the
+Press were in every way deserved.
+
+_Jones_ (_also reading a journal_). Quite so. I am glad to see that
+the admirable publication I am now devouring objects to gambling in
+all its branches.
+
+_Brown._ So does this. There is an excellent leader on the fourth page
+exposing the scandals of the Stock Exchange.
+
+_Jones._ And here I find on page two a most earnest attack upon the
+abuses of the turf.
+
+_Brown._ Such intelligent comments should do a world of good.
+
+_Jones._ I am sure of it. I know, speaking for myself, I feel much
+better after perusing a column that might have supplied the pabulum of
+a sermon.
+
+_Brown._ Just my case. It really strengthens one's moral perceptions
+to come across such noble sentiments. Well, as we have both read the
+leaders, let us exchange papers.
+
+_Jones._ With pleasure, only I want just to glance at the latest odds.
+This journal gives the latest information on all matters connected
+with racing and the turf generally.
+
+_Brown._ Just so, that is why I wanted to read it. Well, I must fill
+up the time by looking at the money article. Commend me to the city
+editor of this favourite production when you want to have a gentle
+flutter!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"KEY-NOTES."--In anticipation of H.R.H. the Prince of WALES visiting
+the Isle of Man later in the year, though at present
+
+  The Prince of WALES declines, with thanks,
+  The invitation sent from Manx,
+
+the House of Keys has put every quay on the bunch at His Royal
+Highness's disposal for landing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLOWER SHOWS AND CITY BUSINESS.--"_Preference Stocks._ Chatham Seconds
+_Rose_." What a sweet combination of colour and scent per scent!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXPECTEDNESS.
+
+"Inevitable" is the new cant phrase, and certain phrases _are_
+inevitable, it would seem.
+
+It is inevitable, if you should happen to beg the pardon of one of the
+lower middle class, that he (or more generally _she_) will reply with
+"Granted!"
+
+It is inevitable, if you converse with a young Oxonian of immature
+intellect, that he will murder the QUEEN'S, or (as he would call
+it) Quagger's, English by some such expression as "What a beastly
+sensagger!" or invite you to "stagger for the dagger" (_i.e._ stay for
+the day). But competent authorities are inclined to think that this
+laborious form of undergraduate wit, or "wagger," is doomed to speedy
+"extigger."
+
+It is inevitable that the would-be smart business person, when
+inditing a circular or club notice, will say, "Forward _same_," or, "I
+inclose _same_," instead of "_it_," whatever it may happen to be.
+
+It is inevitable that, when 'ARRY wishes to be familiarly polite at
+parting, he will take his leave with "So long."
+
+It is inevitable that, when a young City man desires to express his
+disapproval of any individual or thing, he will dismiss it as "no
+class."
+
+It is inevitable, if you make any surprising or absurd statement to a
+Yankee, that his comment thereon will be, "Is that so!"
+
+It is inevitable, if you meet an actor "resting" in the Strand, that
+he will ask you to "Name it," and you will proceed to do so (possibly
+at your own expense) at one or more of the excellent drinking-bars in
+that locality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A YORKSHIRE GOSSIP.
+
+_First Gossip._ "SO YOU WAS NIVVER AXED TUT FUNERAL?"
+
+_Second Gossip._ "NIVVER AS MUCH AS INSIDE T'HOUSE. BUT NOBBUT WAIT
+TILL _WE_ HEV' A FUNERAL OF US OWN, AN' _WE_'LL SHOW 'EM!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A-DRESS BY MR. SPEAKER.
+
+    ["Certain Members object to attending the SPEAKER'S dinner or
+    _levées_ in full dress."]
+
+_Mr. Speaker._
+
+  "Oh, ye must walk in silk attire,
+    And swords and buckles wear,
+  Gin ye wad come to dine wi' me,
+    Or tend my _levées_ mair."
+
+_The Members._
+
+  "Oh, what's to us your silken show,
+    And swords and buckles smart?--
+  And if you still insist upon 't,
+    Then you and we must part!"
+
+_Mr. Speaker._
+
+  "Then ye shall come in what attire
+    It suits ye best to wear,
+  Gin ye 'll consent to mind the Whip,
+    Nor plague the Party mair."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WORTHY OBJECT.--It is encouraging to hear of a "_Mission to Deep Sea
+Fishermen_." The deeper the sea-fishermen are, the more necessary is
+the mission. These Deep Sea-Fishermen are generally supposed to be
+able to look after their own soles; but now they will receive aid in
+their work. As the Bishop of LIVERPOOL is a prominent patron of this
+good work, it may be taken for granted that most of these deep 'uns
+are fishermen in his Lordship's See.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ACQUITTAL.--With what a sense of relief does a _bon vivant_ who has
+been brought up by Corporal AILMENT before the Doctor's Court Martial
+hear the verdict of "Not Gouty!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAW IN BLANK.
+
+(_A Natural Development of the Modern System of Suppression._)
+
+    SCENE--_Interior of one of the Royal Courts. Customary
+    occupants and surroundings._ Witness _in the box undergoing
+    cross-examination_.
+
+_First Counsel._ And now will you give me the name of the person you
+met on that occasion?
+
+_Second Counsel._ I do not wish to interfere without reason; but
+surely it is unnecessary to introduce third parties into this inquiry.
+
+_Witness._ Perhaps I might follow the plan I adopted in my
+examination-in-chief and write the name on a piece of paper?
+
+_The Judge._ That seems a reasonable course to pursue.
+
+_First Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases. Then be so good as to give
+me the name as suggested. (Witness _complies_.) Thank you. (_After
+reading the paper._) Do you spell the name with a final "e"?
+
+_Second Counsel._ Really, my learned friend is carrying matters too
+far. If the anonymity of third parties is to be preserved, such a
+leading question would reveal the identity at once.
+
+_The Judge._ I suppose you mean that the query about the final "e"
+would indicate that the veiled name was "BROWNE."
+
+_Second Counsel._ Quite so, my lord; that is a conclusion that would
+be accepted by persons of the most ordinary intelligence.
+
+_First Counsel._ But as a matter of fact, the name to which I refer
+is certainly neither BROWN nor BROWNE. I will submit the paper to your
+lordship.
+
+_The Judge_ (_after perusing the slip which has been handed to him by
+an usher_). Dear me! I am greatly surprised!
+
+_Foreman of the Jury._ May we, my lord, learn the name?
+
+_First Counsel._ So far as I am concerned, I shall be only too pleased
+to allow the Gentlemen of the Jury to have the fullest information on
+the point.
+
+_Second Counsel._ If I object, it is not because I have not the
+greatest confidence in the Jury's discretion, but simply as a matter
+of principle.
+
+_First Counsel._ I do not see how the affair is a matter of principle,
+but if my learned friend objects I have no wish to push the point
+further. (_Turning to_ Witness.) And now, where did you meet this
+person whose name we have arranged to leave undiscovered?
+
+_Witness._ Perhaps you will allow me to write the locality on a piece
+of paper and pass it round?
+
+_The Judge._ I think we may do that.
+
+_First Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases. (_Course suggested
+pursued._) And now, have you ever seen any one else on the subject?
+
+_Witness._ Certainly. (_Produces a scroll._) Here is a list. I have
+purposely written their names in shorthand, so that they may only be
+recognised by those who have a knowledge of PITMAN'S method.
+
+_The Judge._ Certainly.
+
+_First Counsel._ And that, my Lord, is my case.
+
+    [_Sits down._
+
+_The Judge._ And now, Gentlemen, before we proceed further, I would
+like to make a suggestion. When we commenced this trial we arranged
+that the names of the Plaintiff and Defendant should not be made
+public. Since then it seems to me that we should learn them. What do
+you say, Gentlemen?
+
+_Foreman of the Jury._ We share your Lordship's curiosity.
+
+_The Judge_ (_addressing Counsel_). You hear.
+
+_First Counsel_ (_after consultation with his opponent_). My Lord, I
+need scarcely say that both my friend and myself are most anxious
+to meet the wishes of your Lordship. But as this is a point of great
+importance to our clients, we should like to have an opportunity
+of consulting them. No doubt the names asked for might only have a
+limited circulation--be known only to your Lordship and the Gentlemen
+of the Jury. Still there are objections to even so partial a
+publication as I have shadowed forth which make it most desirable
+that we should have an opportunity of giving the matter our fullest
+consideration. Perhaps we might adjourn until to-morrow morning?
+
+_The Judge._ Oh, certainly, certainly.
+
+    [_Court consequently adjourns to meet the necessities of the
+    situation._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR THE VINEYARD PROPRIETORS IN A CERTAIN CHAMPAGNE
+DISTRICT.--"Make Ay while the sun shines."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD CRUSADERS!
+
+THE DUKE OF ARG-LL AND MR. GL-DST-NE "BROTHERS IN ARMS" AGAIN!
+
+    BULGARIA, 1876.    ARMENIA, 1895.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEURALGIA.
+
+  What do I care if sunny Spring
+    Come now at last with balmy weather?
+  What do I care for anything?
+    I hate existence altogether.
+  It makes me almost mad, in truth,
+  This awful aching in my tooth.
+
+  What do I care for wealth or fame,
+    Or woman's charms the most entrancing?
+  Despised or loved, it's all the same.
+    You would not catch me even glancing
+  At any face you ever saw;
+  I'm only thinking of my jaw.
+
+  What do I care if Trunks are low,
+    Argentines flat, Home Rails neglected?
+  Though mines may come and mines may go,
+    I'm indescribably dejected.
+  They may be, I am, "dull" and "weak."
+  Confound my throbbing, swollen cheek!
+
+  What do I care which party's in,
+    To take more pennies from my income,
+  Or, if from tax on beer or gin,
+    Or milk and water extra "tin" come?
+  My thoughts are "in another place";
+  This aching spreads throughout my face.
+
+  What do I care for any play,
+    For dance or dinner, song or supper?
+  With pangs like these I can't be gay.
+    They spread from lower jaw to upper,
+  Across my face, as I have said,
+  And now attack my hapless head.
+
+  What do I even care if She
+    May frown upon her wretched lover,
+  And like another more than me?
+    Such pangs I might in time recover.
+  I do not care, I do not know;
+  I'm aching now from top to toe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LEFT-HANDED COMPLIMENT.
+
+"BACK AGAIN, DOCTOR? I'VE BEEN _SO_ MUCH BETTER SINCE YOU WENT AWAY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING has written another Barrack-room Ballad (see _Pall
+Mall Gazette_ of Thursday last). It is called _The Men that fought at
+Minden_, and is perhaps the most coarse and unattractive specimen of
+verse that this great young man has put forth yet--a jumble of words
+without a trace of swing or music. All this Tommy Atkins business,
+with its "Rookies" and its "Johnny Raws," and its affectation of
+intimate knowledge of the common soldier's inmost feelings, is about
+played out, and the interest in it is not likely to be revived by such
+jargon as _The Men that fought at Minden_. Besides, didn't Lord GEORGE
+SACKVILLE fight(?) at Minden?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXPLAINED AT LAST.--The (Zoo-) logical excuse given for the
+boa-constrictor when he swallowed his companion, was that "he only
+wanted a snack for luncheon." It had been hinted that he found "the
+other one" such a "boa" at meal times that he was determined to put
+him down. But this is not the fact.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE CHANGE.
+
+Hang it all! They have blocked the street and are laying it with
+asphalte; just in May, as usual. From early morning the quiet of my
+rooms is disturbed by the noise of the work, when I go out I scramble
+over heaps of rubbish, past smoking cauldrons of pitch, and when I
+come home at night my cab drops me nearly a quarter of a mile away.
+Moreover, one neighbouring house is being painted, and the other is
+being rebuilt. I fly from falling dust and brickbats, only to run
+against ladders and paint-pots. It is awful. And now my Aunt JANE is
+coming up from Bath, and has invited herself to tea at my chambers.
+Her rheumatism prevents her from walking more than a yard or two, she
+cannot bear any noise, and the smell of paint makes her ill. She
+is very rich, and could leave all she has to the poor. Accurately
+speaking, that class includes me, but in my aunt's opinion it does
+not. She is very suspicious, and, if I made excuses and invited her
+to tea anywhere else, she would feel convinced that I was hiding some
+guilty secret in my dull, quiet, respectable rooms. She is very prim,
+and the mere suggestion of such a thing would alienate her from me for
+ever. Why on earth can't she stop in Bath? And I shall have to go with
+her to May meetings! It is impossible; I must fly. But where? She
+has a horror and suspicion of all foreign nations, except perhaps the
+steady, industrious Swiss. Good idea--Switzerland. But what reason can
+I give for rushing off just now? Someone must send me. I have it. She
+knows I try to write a little, so I will say my editor requires me to
+go at once to Geneva to write a series of articles in the Jardin Alpin
+d'Acclimatation on Alpine botany. Botany, how respectable! Geneva,
+how sedate! Makes one think at once of CALVIN and Geneva bands. These
+sound rather frivolous, something like German bands, but they are not
+really so, only, I believe, a sort of clerical cravat. Then I will
+start off to Paris, the direct way to Geneva.
+
+Perhaps I shall never reach Geneva. Paris will do well enough. No
+streets there taken up in the Spring. No painting on the clean stone
+houses. No rebuilding on the Boulevards. No aunt of mine anywhere
+near. I shall escape all my troubles. I shall be able to smoke my
+cigarette lazily in the pleasant courtyard of the Grand Hôtel, and try
+to imagine that I see some of the people in _Trilby_--_Little Billee_,
+or _Taffy_, or the _Laird_--amongst the animated, cosmopolitan crowd.
+And the stately giant in the gilt chain will solemnly arrange the
+newspapers in all languages, and will supply me with note-paper. I
+must be careful not to write to my aunt a long description of the
+Jardin Alpin d'Acclimatation de Geneve on paper stamped "Grand Hôtel,
+Paris." And the attentive JOSEPH, with those long grey whiskers,
+sacred to the elderly French waiter and the elderly French lawyer,
+will exclaim, "_V'là, M'sieu!_" in all those varied tones which make
+the two syllables mean "Yessir!" "Coming, Sir!" "Here is your coffee,
+Sir!" "In a minute, Sir!" and so many things besides. And I shall be
+able to watch, assembled from all parts of the world, some younger
+and prettier faces than my Aunt JANE'S. That settles it. A regretful
+letter to my aunt. And to-morrow _en route!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE OF SPELLING?--Our dramatic friend known to the public through
+_Mr. Punch_ as ENRY HAUTHOR JONES appears to have recently altered the
+spelling of his name. He has left the JONES and the HENRY alone, but
+in the _Times_ of Friday he appears as "HENRY ARTH_E_R JONES," "U" out
+of it; and what was "E" doing there?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRESENTATION TO THE REV. GUINNESS ROGERS.--Last week this worthy
+minister was presented by his Congregationalists with an address and a
+cheque for a thousand guineas, Mr. GLADSTONE, ex-minister, being among
+the subscribers. In future the _bénéficiaire_ will be remembered as
+the "Reverend Thousand GUINNESS ROGERS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSIC NOTE (_after hearing Mr. J. M. Coward's performance on the
+Orchestral Harmonium_).--It would be high praise to say of any
+organist that "he attacks his instrument in a Cowardly manner."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"VERY APPROPRIATE."--Last Wednesday the Right Hon. A. W. _PEEL_ became
+a "_Skinner_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COMING CHARGE.
+
+(_Prematurely Communicated by our Prophetic Reporter._)
+
+Gentlemen of the Jury, for the last couple of years or so you have no
+doubt read any number of denunciations of the conduct of the man whose
+actions you are now about to investigate. You have heard him abused
+right and left. You have seen pictures of him, in which he has been
+held up to scorn and public ridicule. You have heard it announced in
+all quarters that he is a scoundrel and a thief. And as this has been
+the case, Gentlemen of the Jury, it is my duty to tell you that you
+must put aside the recollection of these attacks. You must treat the
+prisoner before you as if he were immaculate. In fact you must lay
+aside all prejudice, and give the man a fair trial; and, Gentlemen, it
+is my duty (sanctioned by precedent) to have the pleasure of informing
+you that I am sure you will! Yes, Gentlemen of the Jury, having regard
+to all the circumstances of the case, I repeat, I am sure you will!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At the National Liberal Club, on Wednesday, Lord ROSEBERY told the
+company they were not dancing on a volcano. That may be true, but
+it is equally true that the Government, in proposing to remit the
+sixpenny duty on whisky, are riding for a fall in (or, shall we say, a
+drop of) the "crater."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A WELLINGTON (STREET) MEMORIAL.
+
+GENERAL OPINION (MR. PUNCH) PRESENTS THE MEDAL OF THE HIGHEST ORDER
+OF HISTRIONIC MERIT TO HENRY IRVING IN RECOGNITION OF DISTINGUISHED
+SERVICE AS _CORPORAL GREGORY BREWSTER_ IN THE ACTION OF CONAN DOYLE'S
+"STORY OF WATERLOO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE NEW STATUE.
+
+    ["Her Majesty's Government are about to entrust to one of our
+    first sculptors a great historical statue, which has too
+    long been wanting to the series of those who have governed
+    England."--_Lord Rosebery at the Royal Academy Banquet._]
+
+  Our "Uncrowned King" at last to stand
+    'Midst the legitimate Lord's Anointed?
+  How will they shrink, that sacred band,
+    Dismayed, disgusted, disappointed!
+  The _parvenu_ Protector thrust
+    Amidst the true Porphyrogeniti?
+  How will it stir right royal dust!
+    The mutton-eating king's amenity
+  Were hardly proof against this slur.
+    WILLIAM the thief, RUFUS the bully,
+  The traitor JOHN, and JAMES the cur,--
+    Their royal purple how 'twill sully
+  To rub against the brewer's buff!
+    HARRY, old Mother Church's glory
+  Meet this Conventicler?--Enough!
+    The Butcher dimmed not England's story
+  But rather brightened her renown.
+    In camp and court it must be said,
+  And if he did not win a crown,
+    At least he never _lost his head!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Among Mr. LE GALLIENNE'S new poems there is one entitled _Tree
+Worship_. It is _not_ dedicated to the lessee of the Haymarket Theatre
+by "an Admirer."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MAY MEETING.
+
+  They met in a cake-shop hard by the Strand,
+    He in black broadcloth, and she in silk.
+  She had a glass of "fizz" in her hand,
+    He had a bun and a cup of milk.
+  She had a sunshade of burnished crimson,
+    He had a brolly imperfectly furled,
+  And a pair of _pince-nez_ with tortoiseshell rims on.
+    He looked the Church, and she seemed the World.
+
+  They sat on each side of a marble table,
+    His legs were curled round the legs of his chair.
+  Around them babbled a miniature Babel;
+    The sunlight gleamed on her coppery hair.
+  She held a crumpled Academy Guide,
+    Scored with crosses in bold blacklead;
+  A pile of leaflets lay at his side,
+    And he grasped a Report, which he gravely read.
+
+  His shaven lip was pendulous, long,
+    Her mouth was a cherry-hued _moue mutine_,
+  His complacent, uncomely, strong,
+    Hers soft appetence sharpened with spleen.
+  Her eyes scale-glitter, his oyster-dim,
+    His huge mouth hardened, her small lips curled
+  As he gazed at her and she glanced at him;
+    He looked the Church, and she seemed the World.
+
+  "A holy spouter from Exeter Hall!"
+    (So she mused as she sipped her wine.)
+  "A butterfly in the Belial thrall
+    Of Vanity Fair, all tinkle and shine!"
+  So thought he as he crumbled his bun
+    With clumsy fingers in loose black cloth;
+  And the impish spirit of genial fun
+    Hovered about them and mocked them both.
+
+  Mutual ignorance, mutual scorn,
+    Revealed in glances aflame though fleeting;
+  Such, in the glow of this glad May morn,
+    The inhuman spirit of mortal meeting.
+  The worm must disparage the butterfly,
+    The butterfly must despise the worm;
+  And Scorn, the purblind, will ne'er descry
+    A common bond, or a middle term.
+
+  Modish folly, factitious Art?
+    True, grave homilist, sadly true!
+  But _Boanerges_ truculent, tart,
+    What of the part that is played by you?
+  You denouncing the "Snare of Beauty,"
+    She affecting to feel its spell,--
+  Which falls shortest of human duty?
+    Shallow censor, can _you_ quite tell?
+
+  Meanwhile the lilac is blithely budding,
+    And sweetly breatheth the nutty May,
+  The golden sunshine the earth is flooding,
+    And you--you echo the old, old bray
+  Of _Boanerges_. A broader greeting
+    Of brotherhood full, warm hearts, wide eyes
+  Might lend a meaning to your "May Meeting"
+    To gladden the gentle and win the wise.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHAT'S IN A NAME? A ROSSA, &C."--Before being ejected from the House
+of Commons on Wednesday last, O'DONOVAN ROSSA shouted out that "A
+stain had been put upon his name." Where is the ingenious craftsman
+who did it? He might try his hand next time at gilding refined gold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUERY.--Can a champagne wine from the vintage of "Ay" be invariably
+and fairly described as "Ay 1"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODES AND METALS.
+
+    ["Neckties made of aluminium have just been invented in
+    Germany."--_Evening Paper._]
+
+Visited my tailor's puddling works to-day. He has some really neat new
+pig-iron fabrics for the season. I am thinking of trying his Bessemer
+steel indestructible evening-dress suits.
+
+Really this new plan of mineral clothing comes in very usefully when
+one is attacked by roughs on a dark night. Floored an assailant most
+satisfactorily with a touch of my lead handkerchief.
+
+The only objection I can find to my aluminium summer suiting is its
+tendency to get red hot if I stand in the sun for five minutes.
+
+I think I can now safely defy my laundress to injure my patent safety
+ironclad steel shirts.
+
+I find, however, that there is no need of a laundress at all. When
+one's linen is soiled, sand-paper and a mop will clean it in no time.
+
+My frock-coat has got a nasty kink in it; must send it to be repaired
+at the smelting furnace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONCE CUT DON'T COME AGAIN!--It was said by _The Figaro_ last week that
+Japan would demand "an extra payment of one hundred millions of
+taels by China." But surely a hundred million Chinamen would evince
+a pig-headed obstinacy in parting with, or being parted from, their
+"tails" on any consideration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A LIGHTSHIP SUNK."--Impossible! couldn't have been a lightship, it
+must have been a very heavy ship.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Daughter_ (_enthusiastically_). "OH, MAMMA! I _MUST_
+LEARN BICYCLING! SO DELIGHTFUL TO GO AT SUCH A PACE!"
+
+_Mamma_ (_severely_). "NO THANK YOU, MY DEAR; YOU ARE _QUITE_ 'FAST'
+ENOUGH ALREADY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, May 6._--Welsh Disestablishment Bill on.
+So is The Man from Shropshire. STANLEY LEIGHTON, as GEORGE TREVELYAN
+pointed out long ago, is irresistibly like the ruined Chancery
+Suitor of _Bleak House_. Always dashing into debate as The Man from
+Shropshire broke in on the business of the Court of Chancery. "Mr.
+Chairman!" he shouts, and waves his arms, as The Man from Shropshire
+cried aloud, "My lord! My lord!" and tried to seize the Lord
+Chancellor by wig or neck. After first ebullition, our Man from
+Shropshire quietens down. Argues with gravity of tone and manner that
+seem to imply he has something to say. Turns out he hasn't; but, on
+the Welsh Disestablishment Bill, that no matter.
+
+[Illustration: The Joys of Office. "Speaker! Hats off, Strangers!"]
+
+Curious how this Church Bill brings to the front men who, if heard at
+all, certainly do not speak in chorus on any other question. After
+The Man from Shropshire comes TOMLINSON, who, early in proceedings,
+displays irresistible tendency to discuss points of order with
+SPEAKER. New SPEAKER has, however, already got hand in, and, before
+TOMLINSON, who remembers being on his feet addressing Chair, quite
+knows where he is, he finds himself sitting down again, CRANBORNE also
+on warpath, his very hair bristling with indignation at this fresh
+attack on the Church. Glib GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN has a field-night;
+makes long speech on moving Instruction standing in his own name. His
+obvious, unaffected enjoyment of his own oratory should be infectious;
+but isn't.
+
+[Illustration: The Cares of Office. Mr. Cawmel-Bannerman crosses the
+Lobby.]
+
+Colonel LOCKWOOD, that pillar of the Church, was the first called on
+in Committee to move amendment. Colonel not in his place. Report
+has it the devout man is in library reading THOMAS À KEMPIS, or
+DRELINCOURT on Death. Here is opportunity for GLIB-GRIFFITH to
+make another speech. Dashes in; starting off with promise of good
+half-hour; desire for LOCKWOOD'S appearance irresistible. As ADDISON
+says, with hereditary disposition to drop into poetry, and the belief
+that he is quoting TENNYSON,
+
+  Better fifty words from LOCKWOOD
+  Than a thousand from BOSCAWEN.
+
+Scouts sent out in all directions. The Colonel discovered in sort of
+oratory he has contrived in far recess of library. Brought back to
+House; found BOSCAWEN bowling along. "This is my show," said the
+Colonel as he passed BOSCAWEN on his way to his seat. More fierceness
+in his eye than befit the man or the occasion. BOSCAWEN stared over
+his head, and went on with his speech. Opportunity too precious to
+be lost. If LOCKWOOD meant to move his amendment he should have been
+there when called upon. He wasn't: BOSCAWEN found it, so to speak,
+by roadside. Now it was his; would make the most of it; pegged along
+whilst the Colonel muttered remarks as he glared upon him. Some who
+sat by said it was a prayer. Others, catching a word here and there,
+said it was a quotation from THOMAS À KEMPIS. Whatever it might have
+been, Colonel seemed much moved. Hardly pacified when, at end of
+twenty minutes, GLIB-GRIFFITH sat down, and LOCKWOOD, finding himself
+in peculiar position of seconding his own amendment, delivered the
+speech he had prepared for moving it.
+
+_Business done._--Got into Committee on Welsh Disestablishment Bill.
+
+_Tuesday._--Pretty to see PRINCE ARTHUR drop down on GEORGE RUSSELL
+just now for speaking disrespectfully of SILOMIO. That eminent
+patriot, having in his newly-assumed character of Patron Saint of
+Japan, cross-examined EDWARD GREY upon latest Treaty negotiations,
+accused ASQUITH of nothing less than stealing a county. "Filching"
+was precise word, which has its equivalent in Slang Dictionary in
+sneaking. Idea of HOME SECRETARY hovering over the Marches in dead
+of night, and, when he thought no one was looking, picking up
+Monmouthshire, and putting it in his coat-tail pocket, amused
+scanty audience. But SILOMIO really wrath. "Always Anti-English this
+Government," he exclaimed, with scornful sweep of red right hand along
+line of smiling faces on Treasury Bench. "A stirring burst of British
+patriotism," GEORGE RUSSELL characterised it. JOHN BULL _in excelsis_.
+The more notable since, on reference to official record, he found the
+Knight from Sheffield was born in the United States, and descended
+from the Pilgrim Fathers.
+
+"Which one?" inquired voice from back bench, an inquiry very properly
+disregarded. (A new phrase this, SARK notes, for use by retired
+tradesmen, setting up to spend rest of useful lives in retirement
+at Clapham or Camberwell. To trace their family tree back to
+transplantation at period of Conquest, played out. Instead of "Came
+over with the Conqueror," newer, more picturesque, equally historical
+to say, "Came over with the Pilgrim Fathers.")
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR not in mood for speculation of this kind. Cut to the
+heart by remarks he suspected of slighting intent towards his friend
+and colleague. In SILOMIO PRINCE ARTHUR has long learned to recognise
+all the graces and all the talents. Apart from personal consideration,
+he feels how much the Party owe to him for having raised within its
+ranks the standard of culture and conduct. To have him attacked, even
+in fun, by an Under Secretary, was more than he could stand. So,
+in gravest tone, with no flicker of a smile on his expressive
+countenance, he declared that a more unfortunate speech he had
+never heard. "If the hon. gentleman intends," he added, "to take a
+considerable part in debate, I would earnestly recommend him either
+to change the character of his humour, or entirely to repress the
+exhibition."
+
+Beautiful! In its way, all things considered, best thing PRINCE ARTHUR
+has done this Session. House grinned; but two big hot tears coursed
+down cheek of SILOMIO, making deep furrows in the war paint.
+
+"That's tit for tat with GEORGIE RUSSELL," said HERBERT GARDNER to
+SOLICITOR-GENERAL, with vague recollection of a historic phrase.
+
+"Quite perfect," said LOCKWOOD. "But what a loss the stage has
+sustained by PRINCE ARTHUR taking to politics? Tried both myself and
+know something about it." _Business done._--An eight hours day with
+Welsh Disestablishment Bill.
+
+[Illustration: Piling Peeler upon Rossa!]
+
+_Thursday._--TANNER'S curiosity inconveniently uncontrollable. At
+end of sitting given up to Scotland no one thinking about
+COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF or TANNER either. Successive divisions had carried
+sitting far beyond midnight, that blessed hour at which, in ordinary
+circumstances, debate stands adjourned. Quarter of an hour occupied in
+dividing on question whether they should divide on amendment. Proposal
+affirmed; another quarter of an hour spent in fresh division. Nothing
+possible further to be done, Members streamed forth, scrambling for
+cabs in Palace Yard. CONYBEARE in charge of a Bill dealing with false
+alarms of fire, managed to get it through Committee unopposed. Members
+little recked how near they were to real alarm of worse than fire.
+
+Twenty minutes earlier, when last division taken, over 330 Members
+filled House. Now the tide ebbed; only the thirty odd Members in their
+places jealously watching SPEAKER running through Orders of the
+Day. TANNER bobbing up and down on bench like parched pea. Heard
+it somewhere whispered that Duke of CAMBRIDGE, worn out with long
+campaign, about to unhelm, unbuckle his sword, hang up his dinted
+armour. TANNER feels he can't go to bed leaving unsettled the problem
+of truth or phantasy. Not a moment to be lost. SPEAKER risen to put
+question "That this House do now adjourn." Then TANNER blurts out the
+inquiry, "Is it true?" "Order! order!" says the SPEAKER. Well, if they
+didn't like the question in the form he had first put it, he would try
+again.
+
+"I would ask," he said, adopting conditional mood as least likely to
+hurt anyone's feelings, "whether a member of the Royal Family who has
+really" (most desirous of not putting it too strongly, but really you
+know) "been drawing public money too long is going to retire?"
+
+"Order! order!" roared the few Members present.
+
+"I would ask that question," repeated TANNER, still in the conditional
+mood, but nodding confidentially all round.
+
+The Blameless BARTLEY happily at post of duty. Broke in with protest.
+SPEAKER ruled question out of order. But the good TANNER came back
+like a bad sixpence.
+
+"Is his Royal Highness going to retire?" he insisted, getting redder
+than ever in the face. "Order! order!" shouted Members in chorus. Thus
+encouraged, TANNER sang out the solo again, "Is his Royal Highness
+going to retire?"
+
+That was his question. The SPEAKER, distinctly differing, affirmed
+"The question is that the House do now adjourn;" which it did
+straightway, leaving Dr. TANNER to go to a sleepless bed haunted by an
+unanswered question.
+
+"What I should like," said Lieut.-General Sir FREDERICK WELLINGTON
+FITZ WYGRAM, who served in the Crimea with H.R.H., has been in command
+of the Cavalry Brigade at Aldershot, and in other positions come in
+personal contact with the COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF, "What I should like," he
+repeated reflectively, stroking his chin, "would be the opportunity,
+enjoyed from a safe distance, of hearing the Dook personally reply to
+TANNER'S interrogation."
+
+_Business done._--Wrangle all night round Scotch Committee.
+
+_Friday._--SQUIRE sat through dull morning sitting listening with air
+of pathetic resignation to Members talking round Budget. QUILTER led
+off with prodigiously long paper on the Art of Brewing Beer. Seems
+they fill up the cup with all kinds of mysterious ingredients.
+BROOKFIELD, looking round and observing both JOSEPH and JESSE
+absent, whispered in ear of sympathetic Chairman that Birmingham has
+reputation in the Trade of making and drinking beer containing minimum
+of malt, maximum of sugar, and warranted to do the greatest damage to
+the system. SQUIRE, momentarily waking up from mournful mood, observed
+that Birmingham is also headquarters of Liberal Unionism. Might
+be nothing in coincidence, but there it was. RASCH posed as the
+distressed agriculturist. JOKIM tried to walk on both sides of road at
+same time, and Government got majority of 24. _Business done._--Budget
+Resolutions agreed to.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO YVETTE GUILBERT AT THE EMPIRE.
+
+  YVETTE! your praise resounds on every hand.
+  And those laugh loudest who least understand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Page 229: 'visistor' corrected to 'visitor'.
+
+(_Knock._) Ah, here comes my visitor. (_Enter stranger._)
+
+The illustration for 'The Old Crusaders' originally covered 2 pages,
+pp. 234 and 235 (centrefold/centerfold), with a blank page on either
+side.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+108, May 18th, 1895, by Various
+
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108,
+May 18th, 1895, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, May 18th, 1895
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 29, 2014 [EBook #44790]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page229" id="page229"></a>[pg 229]</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.<br />
+
+<small>Volume 108, <span class="sc">May 18th, 1895.</span></small><br />
+
+<span class="smaller"><i>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</i></span></h1>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 580px;"><a href="images/229-1200.png"><img src="images/229-500.png" width="500" height="427" alt="HOP PROSPECTS." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">HOP PROSPECTS.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Said Pulex the Skipper to Miss Cicada, "Do you expect a good Hopping
+Season this year?"</span></p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>ODE TO A (LONDON) "LARK."</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Some Way after Quisquis.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh, "lark," which all the "Comiques" sing,</p>
+<p class="i2">And every drunken rowdy pup, too;</p>
+<p>Sure you're a vicious, vulgar thing</p>
+<p class="i2">As ever toper swigged a cup to.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Hints of the boozy and the blue</p>
+<p class="i2">Surround you; sodden brains you soften;</p>
+<p>Yet rhymsters make a song of you,</p>
+<p class="i2">And rowdies sing it&mdash;far too often.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The aim of every loose-lipped lout</p>
+<p class="i2">Appears to be to "lark" divinely;</p>
+<p>When from his haunts he gets chucked out,</p>
+<p class="i2">He deems his "spree" has ended finely.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He tracks the "lark"&mdash;aye, "like a bird,"</p>
+<p class="i2">Upon the turf, among its "daisies";</p>
+<p>But, by sweet <span class="sc">Shelley</span>, 'tis absurd,</p>
+<p class="i2">Foul bird of prey, to pipe your <i>praises!</i></p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">A Kind Offer.</span>&mdash;A lady who is not well
+up in Parliamentary matters writes to us
+saying that she has seen mentioned in the
+papers "Mr. Speaker's Retirement Bill,"
+and would very much like to know what the
+amount is. Her admiration for the late
+<span class="sc">Speaker</span> is so great that, our fair correspondent
+goes on to say, she would willingly
+defray the whole amount herself, or if the
+total be too much for her pocket, then would
+she cheerfully head a subscription list.
+She is perfectly certain that Mr. <span class="sc">Peel</span> was
+a very moderate man, and therefore the entire
+sum cannot be very startling.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>RATHER "BOLD ADVERTISEMENT."</h2>
+
+<p class="center">["Advertisements for some time past have been inserted in Government
+publications."&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>]</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Room of a</i> Secretary of State. <i>Present</i> Right Hon.
+Gentleman <i>attended by his</i> Private Secretary.</p>
+
+<p><i>Right Hon. Gentleman.</i> Well, <span class="sc">Tenterfore</span>, anything for me this
+morning?</p>
+
+<p><i>Private Secretary.</i> I think not. You will find that I have worked
+out the answers to to-day's questions&mdash;the list is not a very heavy
+one, only a couple of dozen queries or thereabouts.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> That's right. Such a lot of time is wasted in that
+sort of thing. And has anyone come for me?</p>
+
+<p><i>Priv. Sec.</i> No one of importance. A fellow with a new invention
+or something of that sort. Said you were extremely busy just now,
+but that if he would write, his letter would receive the attention of
+the department.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> Was he satisfied?</p>
+
+<p><i>Priv. Sec.</i> (<i>smiling</i>). Well, I fear not entirely. I think he must
+have had some experience of Government offices. He said he preferred
+to see you personally.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> (<i>amused</i>). I daresay he would. Anyone else?</p>
+
+<p><i>Priv. Sec.</i> Only a man about advertisements.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> (<i>aghast</i>). You did not send <i>him</i> away?</p>
+
+<p><i>Priv. Sec.</i> Well, no. I believe he is still in the waiting-room.
+But surely you don't want to see him?</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> Of course I do. A most important person. Send
+a messenger for him at once. (<i>Exit</i> Private Secretary.) That's the
+worst of <span class="sc">Tenterfore</span>&mdash;so impulsive! Means well, but so very impulsive!
+(<i>Knock.</i>) Ah, here comes my visitor. (<i>Enter stranger.</i>)
+My very dear Sir, I am delighted to see you. (<i>He shakes hands
+warmly and provides him with an arm-chair.</i>) I am sorry you
+should have been detained&mdash;quite a mistake.</p>
+
+<p><i>Stranger</i> (<i>surprised</i>). You are most kind. I come about some
+advertisements.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> I know, my dear Sir, I know. Now what can
+I tempt you with? You arrive at a most fortunate moment. We
+are thinking of letting the sides of our cruisers for posters. The
+Mediterranean fleet will be a most excellent medium. We can do
+sixteen double crowns at a very reasonable rate; of course the
+Admiral's flag-ship would be a trifle extra. Is your leading article
+soap, pickles, or hair-dye?</p>
+
+<p><i>Stranger.</i> I am afraid you do not understand me.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> Oh yes, I do; but, if you object to marine advertisements,
+I think we can suit you on land. We have several commanding
+positions on the colours of some of the most popular regiments
+in the service vacant. (<i>Showing plans.</i>) You see we can
+insert type&mdash;we object to blocks&mdash;on the material without interfering
+with the badges or the victories. A most admirable medium,
+I assure you.</p>
+
+<p><i>Stranger.</i> You really are in error. I wish to say&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> (<i>interrupting</i>). Yes, I know. You think that
+something would be better. Well, we can put advertisements on
+the backs of all petitions presented to Parliament, and let you out
+hoardings in front of the more prominent of the Government offices.
+How would that suit you?</p>
+
+<p><i>Stranger.</i> Really, you must allow me to explain. Advertisements
+of matters interesting to mariners&mdash;such as notices of wrecks&mdash;are
+inserted solely in the <i>London Gazette</i> and&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> Ah, you are thinking of the sky signs. Well, of
+course, we might utilise the lighthouses, but we have not quite made
+up our minds whether such a course might not cause confusion in
+misty weather.</p>
+
+<p><i>Stranger.</i> I was going to propose that the Government might feel
+inclined to insert the advertisements to which I have referred in a
+paper with which I am connected, and which is extensively circulated
+amongst seafaring men.</p>
+
+<p><i>Rt. Hon. Gent.</i> (<i>astounded</i>). You want <i>me</i> to give <i>you</i>
+an advertisement!
+No, Sir; now that we have taken up advertisements we
+insert them and don't give them out. (<i>Enter</i> Private Secretary.)
+Mr. <span class="sc">Tenterfore</span>, be so good as to explain to this gentleman that my
+time is valuable.</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[<i>Scene closes in upon the</i> Secretary of State <i>performing the
+now rather miscellaneous duties appertaining to his office.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">Brief Stay in London of the Eminent French Novelist.</span>&mdash;He
+has not quite mastered our idioms, but he has made a pun in
+English, when saying, "<i>J'y suis, moi, Daudet; je pars demain</i>,"
+<i>i.e.</i>, "I am here <i>Do-day</i>, and gone to-morrow."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Suggestion.</span>&mdash;"<i>The Attaree Khat Tea Co.</i>" is a nice name.
+Why not follow with the "<i>Attaree Khat and Kitten Milk Co.</i>"?
+Very attaree-active to some pussons.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Motto (Addressed to Flutes, Hautboys, &amp;c.) for Conductor
+of the Strauss Orchestra.</span>&mdash;"<span class="sc">Strauss</span> shows how the wind is to
+blow."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Infant Phenomenon!</span>"&mdash;At Drury Lane, the arduous part of <i>Don
+Cæsar</i> in the opera of <i>Maritana</i> was last Friday played by a
+<span class="sc">Child</span>!</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Word of Command for Hospital Sunday.</span>&mdash;"Present Alms!"</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page230" id="page230"></a>[pg 230]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/230a-1500.png"><img src="images/230a-600.png" width="600" height="384" alt="SOCIAL AGONIES." /></a>
+<h2 class="sans">SOCIAL AGONIES.</h2>
+
+<p><i>Algy.</i> "<span class="sc">Come and Dine with me with me to-night, Snobbington?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Snobbington.</i> "<span class="sc">Sorry to say I can't, Old Chappie. Afraid I've go to go
+and Dine with that old fool, Lord Boreham,
+for my sins!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Lord Boreham</i> (<i>from behind his Newspaper</i>). "<span class="sc">Pray consider
+yourself excused this evening, Mr.&mdash;&mdash;Mr.&mdash;&mdash;a&mdash;I find I
+don't even know you by sight!</span>"</p>
+
+<p class="rindent">[<i>Which is quite true!</i></p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>'ARRY AND THE NEW WOMAN.</h2>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 100px;"><a href="images/230b-250.png"><img src="images/230b-100.png" width="100" height="185" alt="'arry" /></a></div>
+
+<div class="poem width36">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Dear <span class="sc">Charlie</span>,&mdash;'Ow are you, old shipmate? <i>I</i>'ve bin layin' low for a time.</p>
+<p>'Ard years these 'ere Nineties, my nibs, yus, and bizness 'as bin fur from prime.</p>
+<p>All grind and no gay galoot, <span class="sc">Charlie</span>, of late 'as bin <i>my</i> little lot;</p>
+<p>An' between you and me <i>and</i> the post, I think most things is going to pot!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>It's Newness wot's doing it, <span class="sc">Charlie</span>! "Lor! <i>that</i>'s a rum gospel," sez you.</p>
+<p>Well, p'raps in your green tooral-looral you don't hear so much of the New;</p>
+<p>But in town with New Art, and New Women, New Drammer, New Humour, and such,</p>
+<p>There seems nothink <i>old</i> left in creation, save four-arf, and <span class="sc">Dannel's</span> old Dutch.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p><i>She</i>'s old, and no hapricots, <span class="sc">Charlie</span>. But <span class="sc">Dannel's</span> a decentish sort,</p>
+<p>And the way as <i>she</i> lays down the law about up-to-date woman <i>is</i> sport.</p>
+<p>'Er nutcrackers clitter and clatter; and when she is fair on the shout,</p>
+<p>Concernin' fresh feminine fashions, you bet it's a reglar knock-out!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I took <span class="sc">Lil</span>, <span class="sc">Dannel's</span> youngest, larst week to the play, with some tickets I'd got.</p>
+<p>Well, paperers mustn't be choosers. But oh, mate, of all the dashed rot</p>
+<p>They ever chucked over the footlights, this 'ere Probblem Play wos the wust!</p>
+<p>It left me with brain discumfuddled, the blues, and a thundering thust.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>It gave poor <span class="sc">Lil 'Arris</span> the 'orrors. "Lor, <span class="sc">'Arry</span>," she sez, coming out,</p>
+<p>"They've styged it, no doubt, tol-lol-poppish, but wot <i>is</i> the 'ole thing about?</p>
+<p>I feel just as creepy and 'oller, along o' these 'ere warmed-up ghosts,</p>
+<p>As if I'd bin dining on spiders. Eugh! Let's 'ave a glarss at 'The Posts.'"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>It took two 'ot tiddleys to warm 'er. An' when I was blowin' a cloud</p>
+<p>A-top o' the tram going 'ome, she sez, "<span class="sc">'Arry</span>," sez she, "<i>I</i> ain't proud,</p>
+<p>But don't tyke me never no more to no New Woman nonsense," sez she.</p>
+<p>"It's narsty; and not one good snivel <i>or</i> larf in the whole jamboree.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"I don't call them <i>people</i>, I don't." "No; they're probblems, <i>Lil</i>, that's wot <i>they</i> are.</p>
+<p>She-probblem a tearin' 'er 'air, whilst the he-probblem sucks 'is cigar;</p>
+<p>Two gurl-probblems sniffing at Marriage, that played-out old farce&mdash;at sixteen!&mdash;</p>
+<p>I thought we was fair up-to-date, <i>Lil</i>, but, bless yer, we're simply pea-green!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And when we arrived at Lamb's Conduit Street, old <span class="sc">Dannel 'Arris's</span> shop,</p>
+<p>His old Dutch got fair on the grind, and when started she's orkud to stop.</p>
+<p>"New Woman?" sez she. "<i>She</i>'s no clarss, <span class="sc">Lil</span>, and don't know a mite where she are.</p>
+<p>Yah! <i>We</i> used to call 'em Old Cats; and a sootabler name, too, by far.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"There ain't nothink new in <i>their</i> Newness; it's only old garbige warmed up.</p>
+<p>Mere bubble-and-squeak. The stale taters and greens on which poor people sup</p>
+<p>Is 'olesome compared with sich offal. Yah! Weddings'll outlast <i>that</i> lot;</p>
+<p>And while gals is gals the old Eve'll jest make the new evil seem rot."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The jawsome old guffin wos right, <i>Charlie</i>; leastways, she wosn't fur out.</p>
+<p>Yer female footballers and bikers, as swagger and go on the shout,</p>
+<p>And spile a good sport <i>and</i> their hancles, are not more complete off the track</p>
+<p>Than them as "revolt"&mdash;agin Nature, and cock their she-bokos&mdash;at fack!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>All splutter-sludge, <span class="sc">Charlie</span>! On styge or on cinder-path, sillypop things</p>
+<p>As want to play Man and <i>be</i> Woman are trying to fly without wings,</p>
+<p>Or fight without fistes. Are Men, the world's masters&mdash;like you, mate, and Me&mdash;</p>
+<p>To be knocked out by probblems in petticoats? Wot bloomin' fiddle-de-dee!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The Old Dutch, and young <span class="sc">Lil</span>, and myself are all much of a mind on this job.</p>
+<p>Old <span class="sc">'Arris</span> sez men are not in it. <i>He</i> don't mean it, I'll bet a bob.</p>
+<p>It ain't very likely, not now, that Yours Scrumptiously ever <i>will</i> marry;</p>
+<p>But <i>if</i> I should tyke a Old Woman, it won't be no New Woman!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i48"><span class="sc">'Arry.</span></p>
+  </div>  </div>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page231" id="page231"></a>[pg 231]</span></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/231-1500.png"><img src="images/231-600.png" width="600" height="412" alt="Edith. 'I don't believe Jack will ever learn to dance'" /></a>
+<p><i>Edith.</i> "<span class="sc">I don't believe Jack will ever learn to
+Dance!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Alice</i> (<i>whose dress has suffered</i>). "<span class="sc">Worse than that&mdash;he will
+never learn not to attempt it!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>FAIR CHILDREN IN GRAFTON STREET.</h2>
+
+<p>A splendid show, though some of the children are neither fair nor
+beautiful. Note No. 114, "<i>The Chinese Boy</i>," by Sir <span class="sc">Joshua</span>. He is
+a
+boy, certainly, but his complexion has a mahogany tinge not usually
+associated with loveliness. <span class="sc">Catherine de Medicis</span>, if we may judge
+by No. 67, was a plain, decent, housewifely body, with a family of
+four horrors, three male and one female, all of whom, eventually,
+wore a crown. Can it be possible that <i>La Reine Margot</i> ever looked
+like <i>that?</i> If so, the great <span class="sc">Dumas</span> is convicted of gross deceit.
+For
+a screaming farce in oil, let the visitor look at No. 155, "<i>The Infant
+Johnson</i>," by Sir <span class="sc">Joshua</span>. Some one has evidently suggested to the
+baby lexicographer that he should have a bath. Naturally enough
+he is furious at the idea. "Sir," he seems to say, "let us take a
+perambulator down Fleet Street, or anywhere else, but let us not
+bathe." Can there not be found a companion picture of the mighty
+infant in a cheerful mood, prattling out a "What, nurse, are you
+for a frolic? Then I'm with you." In a case labelled No. 454 are
+to be seen toys, dolls, and playthings found in Children's Tombs in
+Egypt. Here, too, is the "<i>Mummy of a Baby</i>." "I see the
+baby," observed an intelligent child-visitor; "but where is its
+Mummy? <i>My</i> Mummy never ties baby up like that."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Not Due North.</span>&mdash;The <i>North British Daily Mail</i>, referring to
+the rumour that the Prince of <span class="sc">Wales</span> may go to New York in the
+autumn to see the contest for the America Cup, says: "There will be
+better racing on the Clyde than there was last year. Let the <span class="sc">Prince</span>
+come north at midsummer this year." Very likely the race on the
+Clyde will be a good one. But our Scottish contemporary forgets
+that a visit to the United States on the part of H.R.H. would be to
+the advantage of two races&mdash;the American and the British. It would
+be sure to cause good feeling on either side of the Atlantic. Why
+should not Caledonia wait?</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">By Our Own Cricket on the Hearth.</span>&mdash;For any ordinary
+English team to attempt tackling the Australian Eleven coming
+over here next season, would show not so much the merit of the
+team, but its team-erity.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>THE PRIVILEGE OF THE PRESS.</h2>
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Anywhere</i>. <i>Present</i>, <span class="sc">Brown</span> <i>and</i> <span class="sc">Jones</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown</i> (<i>perusing paper</i>). Capital speech of <span class="sc">Arthur J.
+Balfour</span>
+at the Newspaper Society's Dinner the other evening. His compliments
+to the Press were in every way deserved.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones</i> (<i>also reading a journal</i>). Quite so. I am glad to see that
+the admirable publication I am now devouring objects to gambling
+in all its branches.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> So does this. There is an excellent leader on the fourth
+page exposing the scandals of the Stock Exchange.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> And here I find on page two a most earnest attack upon the
+abuses of the turf.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Such intelligent comments should do a world of good.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> I am sure of it. I know, speaking for myself, I feel much
+better after perusing a column that might have supplied the pabulum
+of a sermon.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Just my case. It really strengthens one's moral perceptions
+to come across such noble sentiments. Well, as we have both
+read the leaders, let us exchange papers.</p>
+
+<p><i>Jones.</i> With pleasure, only I want just to glance at the latest odds.
+This journal gives the latest information on all matters connected
+with racing and the turf generally.</p>
+
+<p><i>Brown.</i> Just so, that is why I wanted to read it. Well, I must
+fill up the time by looking at the money article. Commend me to
+the city editor of this favourite production when you want to have a
+gentle flutter!</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1">"<span class="sc">Key-notes.</span>"&mdash;In anticipation of H.R.H. the Prince of <span class="sc">Wales</span>
+visiting the Isle of Man later in the year, though at present</p>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The Prince of <span class="sc">Wales</span> declines, with thanks,</p>
+<p>The invitation sent from Manx,</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p class="ind1">the House of Keys has put every quay on the bunch at His Royal
+Highness's disposal for landing.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Flower Shows and City Business.</span>&mdash;"<i>Preference Stocks.</i>
+Chatham Seconds <i>Rose</i>." What a sweet combination of colour and
+scent per scent!</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page232" id="page232"></a>[pg 232]</span></p>
+
+<h3>EXPECTEDNESS.</h3>
+
+<p class="ind">"Inevitable" is the new cant
+phrase, and certain phrases <i>are</i>
+inevitable, it would seem.</p>
+
+<p class="ind">It is inevitable, if you should
+happen to beg the pardon of one
+of the lower middle class, that he
+(or more generally <i>she</i>) will reply
+with "Granted!"</p>
+
+<p class="ind">It is inevitable, if you converse
+with a young Oxonian of immature
+intellect, that he will murder the
+<span class="sc">Queen's</span>, or (as he would call it)
+Quagger's, English by some such
+expression as "What a beastly
+sensagger!" or invite you to
+"stagger for the dagger" (<i>i.e.</i>
+stay for the day). But competent
+authorities are inclined to think
+that this laborious form of undergraduate
+wit, or "wagger," is
+doomed to speedy "extigger."</p>
+
+<p class="ind">It is inevitable that the would-be
+smart business person, when
+inditing a circular or club notice,
+will say, "Forward <i>same</i>," or, "I
+inclose <i>same</i>," instead of "<i>it</i>,"
+whatever it may happen to be.</p>
+
+<p class="ind">It is inevitable that, when <span class="sc">'Arry</span>
+wishes to be familiarly polite at
+parting, he will take his leave
+with "So long."</p>
+
+<p class="ind">It is inevitable that, when a
+young City man desires to express
+his disapproval of any individual
+or thing, he will dismiss it as
+"no class."</p>
+
+<p class="ind">It is inevitable, if you make
+any surprising or absurd statement
+to a Yankee, that his comment
+thereon will be, "Is that so!"</p>
+
+<p class="ind">It is inevitable, if you meet an
+actor "resting" in the Strand,
+that he will ask you to "Name
+it," and you will proceed to do so
+(possibly at your own expense) at
+one or more of the excellent
+drinking-bars in that locality.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 330px;"><a href="images/232-900.png"><img src="images/232-330.png" width="330" height="472" alt="A YORKSHIRE GOSSIP." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">A YORKSHIRE GOSSIP.</h3>
+
+<p><i>First Gossip.</i> "<span class="sc">So you was nivver axed tut Funeral?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Gossip.</i> "<span class="sc">Nivver as much as inside t'house. But nobbut
+wait till <i>we</i> hev' a Funeral of us own, an' <i>we</i>'ll show
+'em!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>A-DRESS BY MR. SPEAKER.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">["Certain Members object to attending
+the <span class="sc">Speaker's</span> dinner or
+<i>levées</i> in full dress."]</p>
+
+<p class="title1"><i>Mr. Speaker.</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Oh, ye must walk in silk attire,</p>
+<p class="i2">And swords and buckles wear,</p>
+<p>Gin ye wad come to dine wi' me,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or tend my <i>levées</i> mair."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p class="title1"><i>The Members.</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Oh, what's to us your silken show,</p>
+<p class="i2">And swords and buckles smart?&mdash;</p>
+<p>And if you still insist upon 't,</p>
+<p class="i2">Then you and we must part!"</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p class="title1"><i>Mr. Speaker.</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Then ye shall come in what attire</p>
+<p class="i2">It suits ye best to wear,</p>
+<p>Gin ye 'll consent to mind the Whip,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor plague the Party mair."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Worthy Object.</span>&mdash;It is encouraging
+to hear of a "<i>Mission
+to Deep Sea Fishermen</i>." The
+deeper the sea-fishermen are, the
+more necessary is the mission.
+These Deep Sea-Fishermen are
+generally supposed to be able to
+look after their own soles; but
+now they will receive aid in their
+work. As the Bishop of <span class="sc">Liverpool</span>
+is a prominent patron of this
+good work, it may be taken for
+granted that most of these deep
+'uns are fishermen in his Lordship's
+See.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">An Acquittal.</span>&mdash;With what a
+sense of relief does a <i>bon vivant</i>
+who has been brought up by
+Corporal <span class="sc">Ailment</span> before the
+Doctor's Court Martial hear the
+verdict of "Not Gouty!"</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>LAW IN BLANK.</h2>
+
+<p class="title1">(<i>A Natural Development of the Modern System of Suppression.</i>)</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+<span class="sc">Scene</span>&mdash;<i>Interior of one of the Royal Courts. Customary occupants
+and surroundings.</i> Witness <i>in the box undergoing cross-examination</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p><i>First Counsel.</i> And now will you give me the name of the person
+you met on that occasion?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Counsel.</i> I do not wish to interfere without reason; but
+surely it is unnecessary to introduce third parties into this inquiry.</p>
+
+<p><i>Witness.</i> Perhaps I might follow the plan I adopted in my
+examination-in-chief
+and write the name on a piece of paper?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge.</i> That seems a reasonable course to pursue.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Counsel.</i> As your Lordship pleases. Then be so good as to
+give me the name as suggested. (Witness <i>complies</i>.) Thank you.
+(<i>After reading the paper.</i>) Do you spell the name with a final "e"?</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Counsel.</i> Really, my learned friend is carrying matters too
+far. If the anonymity of third parties is to be preserved, such a
+leading question would reveal the identity at once.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge.</i> I suppose you mean that the query about the final "e"
+would indicate that the veiled name was "<span class="sc">Browne</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Counsel.</i> Quite so, my lord; that is a conclusion that would
+be accepted by persons of the most ordinary intelligence.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Counsel.</i> But as a matter of fact, the name to which I refer
+is certainly neither <span class="sc">Brown</span> nor <span class="sc">Browne</span>.
+I will submit the paper to your lordship.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge</i> (<i>after perusing the slip which has been handed to him
+by an usher</i>). Dear me! I am greatly surprised!</p>
+
+<p><i>Foreman of the Jury.</i> May we, my lord, learn the name?</p>
+
+<p><i>First Counsel.</i> So far as I am concerned, I shall be only too pleased
+to allow the Gentlemen of the Jury to have the fullest information on
+the point.</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Counsel.</i> If I object, it is not because I have not the greatest
+confidence in the Jury's discretion, but simply as a matter of principle.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Counsel.</i> I do not see how the affair is a matter of principle,
+but if my learned friend objects I have no wish to push the point
+further. (<i>Turning to</i> Witness.) And now, where did you meet this
+person whose name we have arranged to leave undiscovered?</p>
+
+<p><i>Witness.</i> Perhaps you will allow me to write the locality on a
+piece of paper and pass it round?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge.</i> I think we may do that.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Counsel.</i> As your Lordship pleases. (<i>Course suggested
+pursued.</i>) And now, have you ever seen any one else on the subject?</p>
+
+<p><i>Witness.</i> Certainly. (<i>Produces a scroll.</i>) Here is a list. I have
+purposely written their names in shorthand, so that they may only
+be recognised by those who have a knowledge of <span class="sc">Pitman's</span> method.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge.</i> Certainly.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Counsel.</i> And that, my Lord, is my case.</p>
+
+<p class="rindent1">[<i>Sits down.</i></p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge.</i> And now, Gentlemen, before we proceed further, I
+would like to make a suggestion. When we commenced this trial we
+arranged that the names of the Plaintiff and Defendant should not
+be made public. Since then it seems to me that we should learn
+them. What do you say, Gentlemen?</p>
+
+<p><i>Foreman of the Jury.</i> We share your Lordship's curiosity.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge</i> (<i>addressing Counsel</i>). You hear.</p>
+
+<p><i>First Counsel</i> (<i>after consultation with his opponent</i>). My Lord,
+I need scarcely say that both my friend and myself are most
+anxious to meet the wishes of your Lordship. But as this is a
+point of great importance to our clients, we should like to have an
+opportunity of consulting them. No doubt the names asked for
+might only have a limited circulation&mdash;be known only to your
+Lordship and the Gentlemen of the Jury. Still there are objections
+to even so partial a publication as I have shadowed forth which make
+it most desirable that we should have an opportunity of giving the
+matter our fullest consideration. Perhaps we might adjourn until
+to-morrow morning?</p>
+
+<p><i>The Judge.</i> Oh, certainly, certainly.</p>
+
+<p class="rindent">[<i>Court consequently adjourns to meet the necessities of the situation.</i></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Motto for the Vineyard Proprietors in a certain Champagne
+District.</span>&mdash;"Make Ay while the sun shines."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page233" id="page233"></a>[pg 233]</span><br /></p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page234" id="page234"></a>[pg 234]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/234-900.png"><img src="images/234-320.png" width="320" height="514" alt="THE OLD CRUSADERS!" /></a>
+<h2><big>THE OLD CRUSADERS!</big></h2>
+
+<p class="center2">THE DUKE OF ARG-LL AND MR. GL-DST-NE "BROTHERS IN ARMS" AGAIN!</p>
+
+<p class="center"><big><b>BULGARIA, 1876.</b>&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<b>ARMENIA, 1895.</b></big></p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page235" id="page235"></a>[pg 235]</span><br /></p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page236" id="page236"></a>[pg 236]</span><br /></p>
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page237" id="page237"></a>[pg 237]</span></p>
+
+<h3>NEURALGIA.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>What do I care if sunny Spring</p>
+<p class="i2">Come now at last with balmy weather?</p>
+<p>What do I care for anything?</p>
+<p class="i2">I hate existence altogether.</p>
+<p>It makes me almost mad, in truth,</p>
+<p>This awful aching in my tooth.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>What do I care for wealth or fame,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or woman's charms the most entrancing?</p>
+<p>Despised or loved, it's all the same.</p>
+<p class="i2">You would not catch me even glancing</p>
+<p>At any face you ever saw;</p>
+<p>I'm only thinking of my jaw.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>What do I care if Trunks are low,</p>
+<p class="i2">Argentines flat, Home Rails neglected?</p>
+<p>Though mines may come and mines may go,</p>
+<p class="i2">I'm indescribably dejected.</p>
+<p>They may be, I am, "dull" and "weak."</p>
+<p>Confound my throbbing, swollen cheek!</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>What do I care which party's in,</p>
+<p class="i2">To take more pennies from my income,</p>
+<p>Or, if from tax on beer or gin,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or milk and water extra "tin" come?</p>
+<p>My thoughts are "in another place";</p>
+<p>This aching spreads throughout my face.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>What do I care for any play,</p>
+<p class="i2">For dance or dinner, song or supper?</p>
+<p>With pangs like these I can't be gay.</p>
+<p class="i2">They spread from lower jaw to upper,</p>
+<p>Across my face, as I have said,</p>
+<p>And now attack my hapless head.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>What do I even care if She</p>
+<p class="i2">May frown upon her wretched lover,</p>
+<p>And like another more than me?</p>
+<p class="i2">Such pangs I might in time recover.</p>
+<p>I do not care, I do not know;</p>
+<p>I'm aching now from top to toe.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 330px;"><a href="images/237-900.png"><img src="images/237-330.png" width="330" height="464" alt="A LEFT-HANDED COMPLIMENT." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">A LEFT-HANDED COMPLIMENT.</h3>
+
+<p>"<span class="sc">Back again, Doctor? I've been <i>so</i> much better since
+you went away!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind">Mr. <span class="sc">Rudyard Kipling</span> has
+written another Barrack-room
+Ballad (see <i>Pall Mall Gazette</i> of
+Thursday last). It is called <i>The
+Men that fought at Minden</i>, and
+is perhaps the most coarse and
+unattractive specimen of verse
+that this great young man has
+put forth yet&mdash;a jumble of words
+without a trace of swing or
+music. All this Tommy Atkins
+business, with its "Rookies"
+and its "Johnny Raws," and
+its affectation of intimate knowledge
+of the common soldier's
+inmost feelings, is about played
+out, and the interest in it is
+not likely to be revived by such
+jargon as <i>The Men that fought
+at Minden</i>. Besides, didn't
+Lord <span class="sc">George Sackville</span> fight(?)
+at Minden?</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Explained at last.</span>&mdash;The (Zoo-) logical
+excuse given for the boa-constrictor
+when he swallowed his
+companion, was that "he only
+wanted a snack for luncheon." It
+had been hinted that he found "the
+other one" such a "boa" at meal
+times that he was determined to
+put him down. But this is not
+the fact.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2>A LITTLE CHANGE.</h2>
+
+<p>Hang it all! They have blocked the street and are laying it with
+asphalte; just in May, as usual. From early morning the quiet of
+my rooms is disturbed by the noise of the work, when I go out I
+scramble over heaps of rubbish, past smoking cauldrons of pitch, and
+when I come home at night my cab drops me nearly a quarter of a
+mile away. Moreover, one neighbouring house is being painted, and
+the other is being rebuilt. I fly from falling dust and brickbats, only
+to run against ladders and paint-pots. It is awful. And now my
+Aunt <span class="sc">Jane</span> is coming up from Bath, and has invited herself to tea at
+my chambers. Her rheumatism prevents her from walking more
+than a yard or two, she cannot bear any noise, and the smell of paint
+makes her ill. She is very rich, and could leave all she has to the
+poor. Accurately speaking, that class includes me, but in my aunt's
+opinion it does not. She is very suspicious, and, if I made excuses
+and invited her to tea anywhere else, she would feel convinced that I
+was hiding some guilty secret in my dull, quiet, respectable rooms.
+She is very prim, and the mere suggestion of such a thing would
+alienate her from me for ever. Why on earth can't she stop in
+Bath? And I shall have to go with her to May meetings! It is impossible;
+I must fly. But where? She has a horror and suspicion of
+all foreign nations, except perhaps the steady, industrious Swiss.
+Good idea&mdash;Switzerland. But what reason can I give for rushing off
+just now? Someone must send me. I have it. She knows I try to
+write a little, so I will say my editor requires me to go at once to
+Geneva to write a series of articles in the Jardin Alpin d'Acclimatation
+on Alpine botany. Botany, how respectable! Geneva, how
+sedate! Makes one think at once of <span class="sc">Calvin</span> and Geneva bands.
+These sound rather frivolous, something like German bands, but they
+are not really so, only, I believe, a sort of clerical cravat. Then I
+will start off to Paris, the direct way to Geneva.</p>
+
+<p>Perhaps I shall never reach Geneva. Paris will do well enough.
+No streets there taken up in the Spring. No painting on the clean
+stone houses. No rebuilding on the Boulevards. No aunt of mine
+anywhere near. I shall escape all my troubles. I shall be able to
+smoke my cigarette lazily in the pleasant courtyard of the Grand
+Hôtel, and try to imagine that I see some of the people in
+<i>Trilby</i>&mdash;<i>Little
+Billee</i>, or <i>Taffy</i>, or the <i>Laird</i>&mdash;amongst the animated,
+cosmopolitan
+crowd. And the stately giant in the gilt chain will solemnly
+arrange the newspapers in all languages, and will supply me with
+note-paper. I must be careful not to write to my aunt a long description
+of the Jardin Alpin d'Acclimatation de Geneve on paper
+stamped "Grand Hôtel, Paris." And the attentive <span class="sc">Joseph</span>, with
+those long grey whiskers, sacred to the elderly French waiter and
+the elderly French lawyer, will exclaim, "<i>V'là, M'sieu!</i>" in all
+those varied tones which make the two syllables mean "Yessir!"
+"Coming, Sir!" "Here is your coffee, Sir!" "In a minute, Sir!"
+and so many things besides. And I shall be able to watch,
+assembled from all parts of the world, some younger and prettier
+faces than my Aunt <span class="sc">Jane's</span>. That settles it. A regretful letter to
+my aunt. And to-morrow <i>en route!</i></p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind"><span class="sc">Change of Spelling?</span>&mdash;Our dramatic friend known to the public
+through <i>Mr. Punch</i> as <span class="sc">Enry Hauthor Jones</span> appears to have
+recently altered the spelling of his name. He has left the <span class="sc">Jones</span>
+and the <span class="sc">Henry</span> alone, but in the <i>Times</i> of Friday he appears as
+"<span class="sc">Henry Arth<i>e</i>r Jones</span>," "U" out of it; and what was "E"
+doing there?</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Presentation to the Rev. Guinness Rogers.</span>&mdash;Last week this
+worthy minister was presented by his Congregationalists with an
+address and a cheque for a thousand guineas, Mr. <span class="sc">Gladstone</span>,
+ex-minister,
+being among the subscribers. In future the <i>bénéficiaire</i>
+will be remembered as the "Reverend Thousand <span class="sc">Guinness Rogers</span>."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind2"><span class="sc">Music Note</span> (<i>after hearing Mr. J. M. Coward's performance on
+the Orchestral Harmonium</i>).&mdash;It would be high praise to say of any
+organist that "he attacks his instrument in a Cowardly manner."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Very Appropriate.</span>"&mdash;Last Wednesday the Right Hon. <span class="sc">A. W.
+<i>Peel</i></span> became a "<i>Skinner</i>."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page238" id="page238"></a>[pg 238]</span></p>
+
+<h3>A COMING CHARGE.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Prematurely Communicated by our Prophetic Reporter.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>Gentlemen of the Jury, for the
+last couple of years or so you have
+no doubt read any number of denunciations
+of the conduct of the
+man whose actions you are now
+about to investigate. You have
+heard him abused right and left.
+You have seen pictures of him, in
+which he has been held up to
+scorn and public ridicule. You
+have heard it announced in all
+quarters that he is a scoundrel
+and a thief. And as this has
+been the case, Gentlemen of the
+Jury, it is my duty to tell you
+that you must put aside the recollection
+of these attacks. You
+must treat the prisoner before
+you as if he were immaculate.
+In fact you must lay aside all
+prejudice, and give the man a
+fair trial; and, Gentlemen, it is
+my duty (sanctioned by precedent)
+to have the pleasure of informing
+you that I am sure you will!
+Yes, Gentlemen of the Jury,
+having regard to all the circumstances
+of the case, I repeat, I
+am sure you will!</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1">At the National Liberal Club, on
+Wednesday, Lord <span class="sc">Rosebery</span> told
+the company they were not dancing
+on a volcano. That may be true,
+but it is equally true that the
+Government, in proposing to remit
+the sixpenny duty on whisky,
+are riding for a fall in (or, shall
+we say, a drop of) the "crater."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"><a href="images/238-900.png"><img src="images/238-360.png" width="360" height="474" alt="A WELLINGTON (STREET) MEMORIAL." /></a>
+<h3 class="sans">A WELLINGTON (STREET) MEMORIAL.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">General Opinion (Mr. Punch) presents the Medal of the
+Highest Order of Histrionic Merit to Henry Irving in
+recognition of distinguished service as <i>Corporal Gregory
+Brewster</i> in the action of Conan Doyle's "Story of Waterloo.</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>ON THE NEW STATUE.</h3>
+
+<p class="ind2">["Her Majesty's Government are
+about to entrust to one of our first
+sculptors a great historical statue,
+which has too long been wanting to
+the series of those who have governed
+England."&mdash;<i>Lord Rosebery at the
+Royal Academy Banquet.</i>]</p>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Our "Uncrowned King" at last to stand</p>
+<p class="i2">'Midst the legitimate Lord's Anointed?</p>
+<p>How will they shrink, that sacred band,</p>
+<p class="i2">Dismayed, disgusted, disappointed!</p>
+<p>The <i>parvenu</i> Protector thrust</p>
+<p class="i2">Amidst the true Porphyrogeniti?</p>
+<p>How will it stir right royal dust!</p>
+<p class="i2">The mutton-eating king's amenity</p>
+<p>Were hardly proof against this slur.</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="sc">William</span> the thief, <span class="sc">Rufus</span> the bully,</p>
+<p>The traitor <span class="sc">John</span>, and <span class="sc">James</span> the cur,&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Their royal purple how 'twill sully</p>
+<p>To rub against the brewer's buff!</p>
+<p class="i2"><span class="sc">Harry</span>, old Mother Church's glory</p>
+<p>Meet this Conventicler?&mdash;Enough!</p>
+<p class="i2">The Butcher dimmed not England's story</p>
+<p>But rather brightened her renown.</p>
+<p class="i2">In camp and court it must be said,</p>
+<p>And if he did not win a crown,</p>
+<p class="i2">At least he never <i>lost his head!</i></p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center">Among Mr. <span class="sc">Le Gallienne's</span> new
+poems there is one entitled <i>Tree
+Worship</i>. It is <i>not</i> dedicated
+to the lessee of the Haymarket
+Theatre by "an Admirer."</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>A MAY MEETING.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem width24">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>They met in a cake-shop hard by the Strand,</p>
+<p class="i2">He in black broadcloth, and she in silk.</p>
+<p>She had a glass of "fizz" in her hand,</p>
+<p class="i2">He had a bun and a cup of milk.</p>
+<p>She had a sunshade of burnished crimson,</p>
+<p class="i2">He had a brolly imperfectly furled,</p>
+<p>And a pair of <i>pince-nez</i> with tortoiseshell rims on.</p>
+<p class="i2">He looked the Church, and she seemed the World.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They sat on each side of a marble table,</p>
+<p class="i2">His legs were curled round the legs of his chair.</p>
+<p>Around them babbled a miniature Babel;</p>
+<p class="i2">The sunlight gleamed on her coppery hair.</p>
+<p>She held a crumpled Academy Guide,</p>
+<p class="i2">Scored with crosses in bold blacklead;</p>
+<p>A pile of leaflets lay at his side,</p>
+<p class="i2">And he grasped a Report, which he gravely read.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>His shaven lip was pendulous, long,</p>
+<p class="i2">Her mouth was a cherry-hued <i>moue mutine</i>,</p>
+<p>His complacent, uncomely, strong,</p>
+<p class="i2">Hers soft appetence sharpened with spleen.</p>
+<p>Her eyes scale-glitter, his oyster-dim,</p>
+<p class="i2">His huge mouth hardened, her small lips curled</p>
+<p>As he gazed at her and she glanced at him;</p>
+<p class="i2">He looked the Church, and she seemed the World.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>"A holy spouter from Exeter Hall!"</p>
+<p class="i2">(So she mused as she sipped her wine.)</p>
+<p>"A butterfly in the Belial thrall</p>
+<p class="i2">Of Vanity Fair, all tinkle and shine!"</p>
+<p>So thought he as he crumbled his bun</p>
+<p class="i2">With clumsy fingers in loose black cloth;</p>
+<p>And the impish spirit of genial fun</p>
+<p class="i2">Hovered about them and mocked them both.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Mutual ignorance, mutual scorn,</p>
+<p class="i2">Revealed in glances aflame though fleeting;</p>
+<p>Such, in the glow of this glad May morn,</p>
+<p class="i2">The inhuman spirit of mortal meeting.</p>
+<p>The worm must disparage the butterfly,</p>
+<p class="i2">The butterfly must despise the worm;</p>
+<p>And Scorn, the purblind, will ne'er descry</p>
+<p class="i2">A common bond, or a middle term.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Modish folly, factitious Art?</p>
+<p class="i2">True, grave homilist, sadly true!</p>
+<p>But <i>Boanerges</i> truculent, tart,</p>
+<p class="i2">What of the part that is played by you?</p>
+<p>You denouncing the "Snare of Beauty,"</p>
+<p class="i2">She affecting to feel its spell,&mdash;</p>
+<p>Which falls shortest of human duty?</p>
+<p class="i2">Shallow censor, can <i>you</i> quite tell?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Meanwhile the lilac is blithely budding,</p>
+<p class="i2">And sweetly breatheth the nutty May,</p>
+<p>The golden sunshine the earth is flooding,</p>
+<p class="i2">And you&mdash;you echo the old, old bray</p>
+<p>Of <i>Boanerges</i>. A broader greeting</p>
+<p class="i2">Of brotherhood full, warm hearts, wide eyes</p>
+<p>Might lend a meaning to your "May Meeting"</p>
+<p class="i2">To gladden the gentle and win the wise.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1">"<span class="sc">What's in a Name? A Rossa, &amp;c.</span>"&mdash;Before
+being ejected from the House of Commons
+on Wednesday last, <span class="sc">O'Donovan Rossa</span>
+shouted out that "A stain had been put upon
+his name." Where is the ingenious craftsman
+who did it? He might try his hand
+next time at gilding refined gold.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Query.</span>&mdash;Can a champagne wine from the
+vintage of "Ay" be invariably and fairly
+described as "Ay 1"?</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h3>MODES AND METALS.</h3>
+
+<p class="title1">["Neckties made of aluminium have just been
+invented in Germany."&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>]</p>
+
+<p class="ind">Visited my tailor's puddling works to-day.
+He has some really neat new pig-iron fabrics
+for the season. I am thinking of trying his
+Bessemer steel indestructible evening-dress
+suits.</p>
+
+<p class="ind">Really this new plan of mineral clothing
+comes in very usefully when one is attacked
+by roughs on a dark night. Floored an
+assailant most satisfactorily with a touch of
+my lead handkerchief.</p>
+
+<p class="ind">The only objection I can find to my
+aluminium summer suiting is its tendency to
+get red hot if I stand in the sun for five
+minutes.</p>
+
+<p class="ind">I think I can now safely defy my laundress
+to injure my patent safety ironclad steel
+shirts.</p>
+
+<p class="ind">I find, however, that there is no need of a
+laundress at all. When one's linen is soiled,
+sand-paper and a mop will clean it in no time.</p>
+
+<p class="ind">My frock-coat has got a nasty kink in it;
+must send it to be repaired at the smelting
+furnace.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="ind1"><span class="sc">Once Cut don't Come Again!</span>&mdash;It was
+said by <i>The Figaro</i> last week that Japan
+would demand "an extra payment of one
+hundred millions of taels by China." But
+surely a hundred million Chinamen would
+evince a pig-headed obstinacy in parting
+with, or being parted from, their "tails" on
+any consideration.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">A Lightship Sunk.</span>"&mdash;Impossible!
+couldn't have been a lightship, it must have
+been a very heavy ship.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page239" id="page239"></a>[pg 239]</span></p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"><a href="images/239a-1500.png"><img src="images/239a-600.png" width="600" height="391" alt="Daughter (enthusiastically). 'Oh, Mamma!'" /></a>
+<p><i>Daughter</i> (<i>enthusiastically</i>). "<span class="sc">Oh, Mamma! I
+<i>must</i> Learn Bicycling! So delightful to go at such a pace!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mamma</i> (<i>severely</i>). "<span class="sc">No thank you, my dear; you are <i>quite</i>
+'fast' enough already!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h2 class="sans">ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h2>
+
+<p class="title1">EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;"><a href="images/239b-720.png"><img src="images/239b-200.png" width="200" height="295" alt="The Joys of Office. 'Speaker! Hats off, Strangers!'" /></a>
+<p class="center">The Joys of Office.<br /> "Speaker! Hats off, Strangers!"</p></div>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 200px;"><a href="images/239c-580.png"><img src="images/239c-200.png" width="200" height="369" alt="The Cares of Office." /></a>
+<p class="center">The Cares of Office.<br />
+Mr. Cawmel-Bannerman crosses the Lobby.</p></div>
+
+<p><i>House of Commons, Monday, May 6.</i>&mdash;Welsh Disestablishment
+Bill on. So is The Man from Shropshire. <span class="sc">Stanley Leighton</span>, as
+<span class="sc">George Trevelyan</span> pointed out long ago, is irresistibly like the
+ruined Chancery Suitor of <i>Bleak House</i>. Always dashing into debate
+as The Man from Shropshire broke in on the business of the Court of Chancery.
+"Mr. Chairman!" he shouts, and waves his arms, as The Man from Shropshire
+cried aloud, "My lord! My lord!" and tried to seize the Lord Chancellor
+by wig or neck. After first ebullition, our Man from Shropshire
+quietens down. Argues with gravity of tone and manner that seem to imply
+he has something to say. Turns out he hasn't; but, on the Welsh Disestablishment
+Bill, that no matter.</p>
+
+<p>Curious how this Church Bill brings to the front men who, if heard
+at all, certainly do not speak in chorus on any other question. After
+The Man from Shropshire comes <span class="sc">Tomlinson</span>, who, early in proceedings,
+displays irresistible tendency to discuss points of order with
+<span class="sc">Speaker</span>. New <span class="sc">Speaker</span> has, however, already got hand in, and,
+before <span class="sc">Tomlinson</span>, who remembers being on his feet addressing Chair,
+quite knows where he is, he finds himself sitting down again, <span class="sc">Cranborne</span>
+also on warpath, his very hair bristling with indignation at this
+fresh attack on the Church. Glib <span class="sc">Griffith-Boscawen</span>
+has a field-night; makes long speech on moving Instruction
+standing in his own name. His obvious, unaffected enjoyment of his
+own oratory should be infectious; but isn't.</p>
+
+<p>Colonel <span class="sc">Lockwood</span>, that pillar of the Church, was
+the first called on in Committee to move amendment.
+Colonel not in his place. Report has it the devout
+man is in library reading <span class="sc">Thomas À Kempis</span>, or <span class="sc">Drelincourt</span>
+on Death. Here is opportunity for <span class="sc">Glib-Griffith</span>
+to make another speech. Dashes in; starting
+off with promise of good half-hour; desire for <span class="sc">Lockwood's</span>
+appearance irresistible. As <span class="sc">Addison</span> says, with
+hereditary disposition to drop into poetry, and the belief
+that he is quoting <span class="sc">Tennyson</span>,</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="page240" id="page240"></a>[pg 240]</span></p>
+
+<div class="poem width18">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Better fifty words from <span class="sc">Lockwood</span></p>
+<p>Than a thousand from <span class="sc">Boscawen</span>.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>Scouts sent out in all directions. The Colonel discovered in sort of
+oratory he has contrived in far recess of library. Brought back to
+House; found <span class="sc">Boscawen</span> bowling along. "This is my show," said
+the Colonel as he passed <span class="sc">Boscawen</span> on his way to his seat. More
+fierceness in his eye than befit the man or the occasion. <span class="sc">Boscawen</span>
+stared over his head, and went on with his speech. Opportunity too
+precious to be lost. If <span class="sc">Lockwood</span> meant to move his amendment he
+should have been there when called upon. He wasn't: <span class="sc">Boscawen</span>
+found it, so to speak, by roadside. Now it was his; would make
+the most of it; pegged along whilst the Colonel muttered remarks
+as he glared upon him. Some who sat by said it was a prayer.
+Others, catching a word here and there, said it was a quotation from
+<span class="sc">Thomas À Kempis</span>. Whatever it might have been, Colonel seemed
+much moved. Hardly pacified when, at end of twenty minutes,
+<span class="sc">Glib-Griffith</span> sat down, and <span class="sc">Lockwood</span>, finding himself in
+peculiar
+position of seconding his own amendment, delivered the speech he
+had prepared for moving it.</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Got into Committee on Welsh Disestablishment
+Bill.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday.</i>&mdash;Pretty to see <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> drop down on <span class="sc">George
+Russell</span> just now for speaking
+disrespectfully of <span class="sc">Silomio</span>. That
+eminent patriot, having in his
+newly-assumed character of Patron
+Saint of Japan, cross-examined
+<span class="sc">Edward Grey</span> upon latest Treaty
+negotiations, accused <span class="sc">Asquith</span> of
+nothing less than stealing a county.
+"Filching" was precise word,
+which has its equivalent in Slang
+Dictionary in sneaking. Idea of
+<span class="sc">Home Secretary</span> hovering over
+the Marches in dead of night, and,
+when he thought no one was looking,
+picking up Monmouthshire,
+and putting it in his coat-tail
+pocket, amused scanty audience.
+But <span class="sc">Silomio</span> really wrath. "Always
+Anti-English this Government,"
+he exclaimed, with scornful
+sweep of red right hand along line
+of smiling faces on Treasury Bench.
+"A stirring burst of British patriotism,"
+<span class="sc">George Russell</span> characterised
+it. <span class="sc">John Bull</span> <i>in
+excelsis</i>. The more notable since,
+on reference to official record, he
+found the Knight from Sheffield
+was born in the United States,
+and descended from the Pilgrim
+Fathers.</p>
+
+<p>"Which one?" inquired voice
+from back bench, an inquiry very
+properly disregarded. (A new
+phrase this, <span class="sc">Sark</span> notes, for use by
+retired tradesmen, setting up to spend rest of useful lives in retirement
+at Clapham or Camberwell. To trace their family tree back to
+transplantation at period of Conquest, played out. Instead of
+"Came over with the Conqueror," newer, more picturesque, equally
+historical to say, "Came over with the Pilgrim Fathers.")</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> not in mood for speculation of this kind. Cut to
+the heart by remarks he suspected of slighting intent towards his
+friend and colleague. In <span class="sc">Silomio Prince Arthur</span> has long learned
+to recognise all the graces and all the talents. Apart from personal
+consideration, he feels how much the Party owe to him for having
+raised within its ranks the standard of culture and conduct. To have
+him attacked, even in fun, by an Under Secretary, was more than
+he could stand. So, in gravest tone, with no flicker of a smile on his
+expressive countenance, he declared that a more unfortunate speech
+he had never heard. "If the hon. gentleman intends," he added,
+"to take a considerable part in debate, I would earnestly recommend
+him either to change the character of his humour, or entirely
+to repress the exhibition."</p>
+
+<p>Beautiful! In its way, all things considered, best thing <span class="sc">Prince
+Arthur</span> has done this Session. House grinned; but two big hot
+tears coursed down cheek of <span class="sc">Silomio</span>, making deep furrows in the
+war paint.</p>
+
+<p>"That's tit for tat with <span class="sc">Georgie Russell</span>," said <span class="sc">Herbert
+Gardner</span> to <span class="sc">Solicitor-General</span>, with vague recollection of a
+historic phrase.</p>
+
+<p>"Quite perfect," said <span class="sc">Lockwood</span>. "But what a loss the stage
+has sustained by <span class="sc">Prince Arthur</span> taking to politics? Tried both
+myself and know something about it." <i>Business done.</i>&mdash;An eight
+hours day with Welsh Disestablishment Bill.</p>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;"><a href="images/240-980.png"><img src="images/240-450.png" width="450" height="482" alt="Piling Peeler upon Rossa!" /></a>
+<p class="center">Piling Peeler upon Rossa!</p></div>
+
+<p><i>Thursday.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Tanner's</span> curiosity inconveniently uncontrollable.
+At end of sitting given up to Scotland no one thinking about
+<span class="sc">Commander-in-Chief</span> or <span class="sc">Tanner</span> either. Successive divisions had
+carried sitting far beyond midnight, that blessed hour at which, in
+ordinary circumstances, debate stands adjourned. Quarter of an hour
+occupied in dividing on question whether they should divide on amendment.
+Proposal affirmed; another quarter of an hour spent in fresh
+division. Nothing possible further to be done, Members streamed
+forth, scrambling for cabs in Palace Yard. <span class="sc">Conybeare</span> in charge of
+a Bill dealing with false alarms of fire, managed to get it through
+Committee unopposed. Members little recked how near they were to
+real alarm of worse than fire.</p>
+
+<p>Twenty minutes earlier, when last division taken, over 330
+Members filled House. Now the tide ebbed; only the thirty odd
+Members in their places jealously watching <span class="sc">Speaker</span> running through
+Orders of the Day. <span class="sc">Tanner</span> bobbing up and down on bench like
+parched pea. Heard it somewhere whispered that Duke of <span class="sc">Cambridge</span>,
+worn out with long campaign, about to unhelm, unbuckle
+his sword, hang up his dinted armour. <span class="sc">Tanner</span> feels he can't go to
+bed leaving unsettled the problem of truth or phantasy. Not a
+moment to be lost. <span class="sc">Speaker</span> risen to put question "That this House
+do now adjourn." Then <span class="sc">Tanner</span> blurts out the inquiry, "Is it
+true?" "Order! order!" says
+the <span class="sc">Speaker</span>. Well, if they didn't
+like the question in the form he
+had first put it, he would try
+again.</p>
+
+<p>"I would ask," he said, adopting
+conditional mood as least likely to
+hurt anyone's feelings, "whether
+a member of the Royal Family
+who has really" (most desirous of
+not putting it too strongly, but
+really you know) "been drawing
+public money too long is going to
+retire?"</p>
+
+<p>"Order! order!" roared the few
+Members present.</p>
+
+<p>"I would ask that question,"
+repeated <span class="sc">Tanner</span>, still in the conditional
+mood, but nodding confidentially
+all round.</p>
+
+<p>The Blameless <span class="sc">Bartley</span> happily
+at post of duty. Broke in with
+protest. <span class="sc">Speaker</span> ruled question
+out of order. But the good <span class="sc">Tanner</span>
+came back like a bad sixpence.</p>
+
+<p>"Is his Royal Highness going
+to retire?" he insisted, getting redder
+than ever in the face. "Order!
+order!" shouted Members in chorus.
+Thus encouraged, <span class="sc">Tanner</span> sang out
+the solo again, "Is his Royal Highness
+going to retire?"</p>
+
+<p>That was his question. The
+<span class="sc">Speaker</span>, distinctly differing,
+affirmed "The question is that the
+House do now adjourn;" which it did straightway, leaving Dr.
+<span class="sc">Tanner</span> to go to a sleepless bed haunted by an unanswered question.</p>
+
+<p>"What I should like," said Lieut.-General Sir <span class="sc">Frederick Wellington
+Fitz Wygram</span>, who served in the Crimea with H.R.H., has
+been in command of the Cavalry Brigade at Aldershot, and in other
+positions come in personal contact with the <span class="sc">Commander-in-Chief</span>,
+"What I should like," he repeated reflectively, stroking his chin,
+"would be the opportunity, enjoyed from a safe distance, of hearing
+the Dook personally reply to <span class="sc">Tanner's</span> interrogation."</p>
+
+<p><i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Wrangle all night round Scotch Committee.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Squire</span> sat through dull morning sitting listening with
+air of pathetic resignation to Members talking round Budget. <span class="sc">Quilter</span>
+led off with prodigiously long paper on the Art of Brewing Beer.
+Seems they fill up the cup with all kinds of mysterious ingredients.
+<span class="sc">Brookfield</span>, looking round and observing both <span class="sc">Joseph</span> and
+<span class="sc">Jesse</span>
+absent, whispered in ear of sympathetic Chairman that Birmingham
+has reputation in the Trade of making and drinking beer containing
+minimum of malt, maximum of sugar, and warranted to do the
+greatest damage to the system. <span class="sc">Squire</span>, momentarily waking up
+from mournful mood, observed that Birmingham is also headquarters
+of Liberal Unionism. Might be nothing in coincidence, but
+there it was. <span class="sc">Rasch</span> posed as the distressed agriculturist.
+<span class="sc">Jokim</span>
+tried to walk on both sides of road at same time, and Government
+got majority of 24. <i>Business done.</i>&mdash;Budget Resolutions agreed to.</p>
+
+<hr class="medium" />
+
+<h4>TO YVETTE GUILBERT AT THE EMPIRE.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem width21">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">Yvette!</span> your praise resounds on every hand.</p>
+<p>And those laugh loudest who least understand.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="tn">
+
+<h4>Transcriber's Note</h4>
+
+<p>Page 229: 'visistor' corrected to 'visitor'.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Knock.</i>) Ah, here comes my visitor. (<i>Enter stranger.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>The illustration for 'The Old Crusaders' originally covered 2 pages,
+pp. 234 and 235 (centrefold/centerfold), with a blank page on either side.</p>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+108, May 18th, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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+
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@@ -0,0 +1,1582 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108,
+May 18th, 1895, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, May 18th, 1895
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 29, 2014 [EBook #44790]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Malcolm Farmer, Lesley Halamek and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+Volume 108, May 18th 1895.
+
+_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration: HOP PROSPECTS.
+
+SAID PULEX THE SKIPPER TO MISS CICADA, "DO YOU EXPECT A GOOD HOPPING
+SEASON THIS YEAR?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ODE TO A (LONDON) "LARK."
+
+    (_Some Way after Quisquis._)
+
+  Oh, "lark," which all the "Comiques" sing,
+    And every drunken rowdy pup, too;
+  Sure you're a vicious, vulgar thing
+    As ever toper swigged a cup to.
+
+  Hints of the boozy and the blue
+    Surround you; sodden brains you soften;
+  Yet rhymsters make a song of you,
+    And rowdies sing it--far too often.
+
+  The aim of every loose-lipped lout
+    Appears to be to "lark" divinely;
+  When from his haunts he gets chucked out,
+    He deems his "spree" has ended finely.
+
+  He tracks the "lark"--aye, "like a bird,"
+    Upon the turf, among its "daisies";
+  But, by sweet SHELLEY, 'tis absurd,
+    Foul bird of prey, to pipe your _praises!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A KIND OFFER.--A lady who is not well up in Parliamentary matters
+writes to us saying that she has seen mentioned in the papers "Mr.
+Speaker's Retirement Bill," and would very much like to know what the
+amount is. Her admiration for the late SPEAKER is so great that, our
+fair correspondent goes on to say, she would willingly defray the
+whole amount herself, or if the total be too much for her pocket,
+then would she cheerfully head a subscription list. She is perfectly
+certain that Mr. PEEL was a very moderate man, and therefore the
+entire sum cannot be very startling.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+RATHER "BOLD ADVERTISEMENT."
+
+    ["Advertisements for some time past have been inserted in
+    Government publications."--_Daily Paper._]
+
+SCENE--_Room of a_ Secretary of State. _Present_ Right Hon. Gentleman
+_attended by his_ Private Secretary.
+
+_Right Hon. Gentleman._ Well, TENTERFORE, anything for me this
+morning?
+
+_Private Secretary._ I think not. You will find that I have worked out
+the answers to to-day's questions--the list is not a very heavy one,
+only a couple of dozen queries or thereabouts.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ That's right. Such a lot of time is wasted in that
+sort of thing. And has anyone come for me?
+
+_Priv. Sec._ No one of importance. A fellow with a new invention or
+something of that sort. Said you were extremely busy just now, but
+that if he would write, his letter would receive the attention of the
+department.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Was he satisfied?
+
+_Priv. Sec._ (_smiling_). Well, I fear not entirely. I think he must
+have had some experience of Government offices. He said he preferred
+to see you personally.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_amused_). I daresay he would. Anyone else?
+
+_Priv. Sec._ Only a man about advertisements.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_aghast_). You did not send _him_ away?
+
+_Priv. Sec._ Well, no. I believe he is still in the waiting-room. But
+surely you don't want to see him?
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Of course I do. A most important person. Send a
+messenger for him at once. (_Exit_ Private Secretary.) That's the
+worst of TENTERFORE--so impulsive! Means well, but so very impulsive!
+(_Knock._) Ah, here comes my visitor. (_Enter stranger._) My very dear
+Sir, I am delighted to see you. (_He shakes hands warmly and
+provides him with an arm-chair._) I am sorry you should have been
+detained--quite a mistake.
+
+_Stranger_ (_surprised_). You are most kind. I come about some
+advertisements.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ I know, my dear Sir, I know. Now what can I tempt
+you with? You arrive at a most fortunate moment. We are thinking of
+letting the sides of our cruisers for posters. The Mediterranean fleet
+will be a most excellent medium. We can do sixteen double crowns at
+a very reasonable rate; of course the Admiral's flag-ship would be a
+trifle extra. Is your leading article soap, pickles, or hair-dye?
+
+_Stranger._ I am afraid you do not understand me.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Oh yes, I do; but, if you object to marine
+advertisements, I think we can suit you on land. We have several
+commanding positions on the colours of some of the most popular
+regiments in the service vacant. (_Showing plans._) You see we can
+insert type--we object to blocks--on the material without interfering
+with the badges or the victories. A most admirable medium, I assure
+you.
+
+_Stranger._ You really are in error. I wish to say----
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_interrupting_). Yes, I know. You think that
+something would be better. Well, we can put advertisements on the
+backs of all petitions presented to Parliament, and let you out
+hoardings in front of the more prominent of the Government offices.
+How would that suit you?
+
+_Stranger._ Really, you must allow me to explain. Advertisements
+of matters interesting to mariners--such as notices of wrecks--are
+inserted solely in the _London Gazette_ and----
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Ah, you are thinking of the sky signs. Well, of
+course, we might utilise the lighthouses, but we have not quite made
+up our minds whether such a course might not cause confusion in misty
+weather.
+
+_Stranger._ I was going to propose that the Government might feel
+inclined to insert the advertisements to which I have referred in a
+paper with which I am connected, and which is extensively circulated
+amongst seafaring men.
+
+_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_astounded_). You want _me_ to give _you_ an
+advertisement! No, Sir; now that we have taken up advertisements we
+insert them and don't give them out. (_Enter_ Private Secretary.) Mr.
+TENTERFORE, be so good as to explain to this gentleman that my time is
+valuable.
+
+    [_Scene closes in upon the_ Secretary of State _performing the
+    now rather miscellaneous duties appertaining to his office._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BRIEF STAY IN LONDON OF THE EMINENT FRENCH NOVELIST.--He has not quite
+mastered our idioms, but he has made a pun in English, when saying,
+"_J'y suis, moi, Daudet; je pars demain_," _i.e._, "I am here
+_Do-day_, and gone to-morrow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUGGESTION.--"_The Attaree Khat Tea Co._" is a nice name. Why
+not follow with the "_Attaree Khat and Kitten Milk Co._"? Very
+attaree-active to some pussons.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO (ADDRESSED TO FLUTES, HAUTBOYS, &C.) FOR CONDUCTOR OF THE
+STRAUSS ORCHESTRA.--"STRAUSS shows how the wind is to blow."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"INFANT PHENOMENON!"--At Drury Lane, the arduous part of _Don Caesar_
+in the opera of _Maritana_ was last Friday played by a CHILD!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WORD OF COMMAND FOR HOSPITAL SUNDAY.--"Present Alms!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.
+
+_Algy._ "COME AND DINE WITH ME WITH ME TO-NIGHT, SNOBBINGTON?"
+
+_Snobbington._ "SORRY TO SAY I CAN'T, OLD CHAPPIE. AFRAID I'VE GO TO
+GO AND DINE WITH THAT OLD FOOL, LORD BOREHAM, FOR MY SINS!"
+
+_Lord Boreham_ (_from behind his Newspaper_). "PRAY CONSIDER YOURSELF
+EXCUSED THIS EVENING, MR.----MR.----A--I FIND I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU BY
+SIGHT!"
+
+    [_Which is quite true!_
+]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+'ARRY AND THE NEW WOMAN.
+
+  Dear CHARLIE,--'Ow are you, old shipmate? _I_'ve bin layin' low
+          for a time.
+  'Ard years these 'ere Nineties, my nibs, yus, and bizness 'as bin
+          fur from prime.
+  All grind and no gay galoot, CHARLIE, of late 'as bin _my_ little
+          lot;
+  An' between you and me _and_ the post, I think most things is
+          going to pot!
+
+  It's Newness wot's doing it, CHARLIE! "Lor! _that_'s a rum
+          gospel," sez you.
+  Well, p'raps in your green tooral-looral you don't hear so much of
+          the New;
+  But in town with New Art, and New Women, New Drammer, New Humour,
+          and such,
+  There seems nothink _old_ left in creation, save four-arf, and
+          DANNEL'S old Dutch.
+
+  _She_'s old, and no hapricots, CHARLIE. But DANNEL'S a decentish
+          sort,
+  And the way as _she_ lays down the law about up-to-date woman _is_
+          sport.
+  'Er nutcrackers clitter and clatter; and when she is fair on the
+          shout,
+  Concernin' fresh feminine fashions, you bet it's a reglar knock-out!
+
+  I took LIL, DANNEL'S youngest, larst week to the play, with some
+          tickets I'd got.
+  Well, paperers mustn't be choosers. But oh, mate, of all the
+          dashed rot
+  They ever chucked over the footlights, this 'ere Probblem Play wos
+          the wust!
+  It left me with brain discumfuddled, the blues, and a thundering
+          thust.
+
+  It gave poor LIL 'ARRIS the 'orrors. "Lor, 'ARRY," she sez, coming
+          out,
+  "They've styged it, no doubt, tol-lol-poppish, but wot _is_ the
+          'ole thing about?
+  I feel just as creepy and 'oller, along o' these 'ere warmed-up
+          ghosts,
+  As if I'd bin dining on spiders. Eugh! Let's 'ave a glarss at 'The
+          Posts.'"
+
+  It took two 'ot tiddleys to warm 'er. An' when I was blowin' a cloud
+  A-top o' the tram going 'ome, she sez, "'ARRY," sez she, "_I_
+          ain't proud,
+  But don't tyke me never no more to no New Woman nonsense," sez she.
+  "It's narsty; and not one good snivel _or_ larf in the whole
+          jamboree.
+
+  "I don't call them _people_, I don't." "No; they're probblems,
+          _Lil_, that's wot _they_ are.
+  She-probblem a tearin' 'er 'air, whilst the he-probblem sucks 'is
+          cigar;
+  Two gurl-probblems sniffing at Marriage, that played-out old
+          farce--at sixteen!--
+  I thought we was fair up-to-date, _Lil_, but, bless yer, we're
+          simply pea-green!"
+
+  And when we arrived at Lamb's Conduit Street, old DANNEL 'ARRIS'S
+          shop,
+  His old Dutch got fair on the grind, and when started she's orkud
+          to stop.
+  "New Woman?" sez she. "_She_'s no clarss, LIL, and don't know a
+          mite where she are.
+  Yah! _We_ used to call 'em Old Cats; and a sootabler name, too, by
+          far.
+
+  "There ain't nothink new in _their_ Newness; it's only old garbige
+          warmed up.
+  Mere bubble-and-squeak. The stale taters and greens on which poor
+          people sup
+  Is 'olesome compared with sich offal. Yah! Weddings'll outlast
+          _that_ lot;
+  And while gals is gals the old Eve'll jest make the new evil seem
+          rot."
+
+  The jawsome old guffin wos right, _Charlie_; leastways, she wosn't
+          fur out.
+  Yer female footballers and bikers, as swagger and go on the shout,
+  And spile a good sport _and_ their hancles, are not more complete
+          off the track
+  Than them as "revolt"--agin Nature, and cock their she-bokos--at
+          fack!
+
+  All splutter-sludge, CHARLIE! On styge or on cinder-path, sillypop
+          things
+  As want to play Man and _be_ Woman are trying to fly without wings,
+  Or fight without fistes. Are Men, the world's masters--like you,
+          mate, and Me--
+  To be knocked out by probblems in petticoats? Wot bloomin'
+          fiddle-de-dee!
+
+  The Old Dutch, and young LIL, and myself are all much of a mind on
+          this job.
+  Old 'ARRIS sez men are not in it. _He_ don't mean it, I'll bet a
+          bob.
+  It ain't very likely, not now, that Yours Scrumptiously ever
+          _will_ marry;
+  But _if_ I should tyke a Old Woman, it won't be no New Woman!
+
+  'ARRY.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Edith._ "I DON'T BELIEVE JACK WILL EVER LEARN TO
+DANCE!"
+
+_Alice_ (_whose dress has suffered_). "WORSE THAN THAT--HE WILL NEVER
+LEARN NOT TO ATTEMPT IT!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FAIR CHILDREN IN GRAFTON STREET.
+
+A splendid show, though some of the children are neither fair nor
+beautiful. Note No. 114, "_The Chinese Boy_," by Sir JOSHUA. He is a
+boy, certainly, but his complexion has a mahogany tinge not usually
+associated with loveliness. CATHERINE DE MEDICIS, if we may judge by
+No. 67, was a plain, decent, housewifely body, with a family of four
+horrors, three male and one female, all of whom, eventually, wore
+a crown. Can it be possible that _La Reine Margot_ ever looked like
+_that?_ If so, the great DUMAS is convicted of gross deceit. For a
+screaming farce in oil, let the visitor look at No. 155, "_The Infant
+Johnson_," by Sir JOSHUA. Some one has evidently suggested to the
+baby lexicographer that he should have a bath. Naturally enough he
+is furious at the idea. "Sir," he seems to say, "let us take a
+perambulator down Fleet Street, or anywhere else, but let us not
+bathe." Can there not be found a companion picture of the mighty
+infant in a cheerful mood, prattling out a "What, nurse, are you for a
+frolic? Then I'm with you." In a case labelled No. 454 are to be seen
+toys, dolls, and playthings found in Children's Tombs in Egypt.
+Here, too, is the "_Mummy of a Baby_." "I see the baby," observed an
+intelligent child-visitor; "but where is its Mummy? _My_ Mummy never
+ties baby up like that."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NOT DUE NORTH.--The _North British Daily Mail_, referring to the
+rumour that the Prince of WALES may go to New York in the autumn
+to see the contest for the America Cup, says: "There will be better
+racing on the Clyde than there was last year. Let the PRINCE come
+north at midsummer this year." Very likely the race on the Clyde will
+be a good one. But our Scottish contemporary forgets that a visit to
+the United States on the part of H.R.H. would be to the advantage of
+two races--the American and the British. It would be sure to cause
+good feeling on either side of the Atlantic. Why should not Caledonia
+wait?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BY OUR OWN CRICKET ON THE HEARTH.--For any ordinary English team to
+attempt tackling the Australian Eleven coming over here next season,
+would show not so much the merit of the team, but its team-erity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PRIVILEGE OF THE PRESS.
+
+    SCENE--_Anywhere_. _Present_, BROWN _and_ JONES.
+
+_Brown_ (_perusing paper_). Capital speech of ARTHUR J. BALFOUR at the
+Newspaper Society's Dinner the other evening. His compliments to the
+Press were in every way deserved.
+
+_Jones_ (_also reading a journal_). Quite so. I am glad to see that
+the admirable publication I am now devouring objects to gambling in
+all its branches.
+
+_Brown._ So does this. There is an excellent leader on the fourth page
+exposing the scandals of the Stock Exchange.
+
+_Jones._ And here I find on page two a most earnest attack upon the
+abuses of the turf.
+
+_Brown._ Such intelligent comments should do a world of good.
+
+_Jones._ I am sure of it. I know, speaking for myself, I feel much
+better after perusing a column that might have supplied the pabulum of
+a sermon.
+
+_Brown._ Just my case. It really strengthens one's moral perceptions
+to come across such noble sentiments. Well, as we have both read the
+leaders, let us exchange papers.
+
+_Jones._ With pleasure, only I want just to glance at the latest odds.
+This journal gives the latest information on all matters connected
+with racing and the turf generally.
+
+_Brown._ Just so, that is why I wanted to read it. Well, I must fill
+up the time by looking at the money article. Commend me to the city
+editor of this favourite production when you want to have a gentle
+flutter!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"KEY-NOTES."--In anticipation of H.R.H. the Prince of WALES visiting
+the Isle of Man later in the year, though at present
+
+  The Prince of WALES declines, with thanks,
+  The invitation sent from Manx,
+
+the House of Keys has put every quay on the bunch at His Royal
+Highness's disposal for landing.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FLOWER SHOWS AND CITY BUSINESS.--"_Preference Stocks._ Chatham Seconds
+_Rose_." What a sweet combination of colour and scent per scent!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXPECTEDNESS.
+
+"Inevitable" is the new cant phrase, and certain phrases _are_
+inevitable, it would seem.
+
+It is inevitable, if you should happen to beg the pardon of one of the
+lower middle class, that he (or more generally _she_) will reply with
+"Granted!"
+
+It is inevitable, if you converse with a young Oxonian of immature
+intellect, that he will murder the QUEEN'S, or (as he would call
+it) Quagger's, English by some such expression as "What a beastly
+sensagger!" or invite you to "stagger for the dagger" (_i.e._ stay for
+the day). But competent authorities are inclined to think that this
+laborious form of undergraduate wit, or "wagger," is doomed to speedy
+"extigger."
+
+It is inevitable that the would-be smart business person, when
+inditing a circular or club notice, will say, "Forward _same_," or, "I
+inclose _same_," instead of "_it_," whatever it may happen to be.
+
+It is inevitable that, when 'ARRY wishes to be familiarly polite at
+parting, he will take his leave with "So long."
+
+It is inevitable that, when a young City man desires to express his
+disapproval of any individual or thing, he will dismiss it as "no
+class."
+
+It is inevitable, if you make any surprising or absurd statement to a
+Yankee, that his comment thereon will be, "Is that so!"
+
+It is inevitable, if you meet an actor "resting" in the Strand, that
+he will ask you to "Name it," and you will proceed to do so (possibly
+at your own expense) at one or more of the excellent drinking-bars in
+that locality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A YORKSHIRE GOSSIP.
+
+_First Gossip._ "SO YOU WAS NIVVER AXED TUT FUNERAL?"
+
+_Second Gossip._ "NIVVER AS MUCH AS INSIDE T'HOUSE. BUT NOBBUT WAIT
+TILL _WE_ HEV' A FUNERAL OF US OWN, AN' _WE_'LL SHOW 'EM!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A-DRESS BY MR. SPEAKER.
+
+    ["Certain Members object to attending the SPEAKER'S dinner or
+    _levees_ in full dress."]
+
+_Mr. Speaker._
+
+  "Oh, ye must walk in silk attire,
+    And swords and buckles wear,
+  Gin ye wad come to dine wi' me,
+    Or tend my _levees_ mair."
+
+_The Members._
+
+  "Oh, what's to us your silken show,
+    And swords and buckles smart?--
+  And if you still insist upon 't,
+    Then you and we must part!"
+
+_Mr. Speaker._
+
+  "Then ye shall come in what attire
+    It suits ye best to wear,
+  Gin ye 'll consent to mind the Whip,
+    Nor plague the Party mair."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WORTHY OBJECT.--It is encouraging to hear of a "_Mission to Deep Sea
+Fishermen_." The deeper the sea-fishermen are, the more necessary is
+the mission. These Deep Sea-Fishermen are generally supposed to be
+able to look after their own soles; but now they will receive aid in
+their work. As the Bishop of LIVERPOOL is a prominent patron of this
+good work, it may be taken for granted that most of these deep 'uns
+are fishermen in his Lordship's See.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AN ACQUITTAL.--With what a sense of relief does a _bon vivant_ who has
+been brought up by Corporal AILMENT before the Doctor's Court Martial
+hear the verdict of "Not Gouty!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LAW IN BLANK.
+
+(_A Natural Development of the Modern System of Suppression._)
+
+    SCENE--_Interior of one of the Royal Courts. Customary
+    occupants and surroundings._ Witness _in the box undergoing
+    cross-examination_.
+
+_First Counsel._ And now will you give me the name of the person you
+met on that occasion?
+
+_Second Counsel._ I do not wish to interfere without reason; but
+surely it is unnecessary to introduce third parties into this inquiry.
+
+_Witness._ Perhaps I might follow the plan I adopted in my
+examination-in-chief and write the name on a piece of paper?
+
+_The Judge._ That seems a reasonable course to pursue.
+
+_First Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases. Then be so good as to give
+me the name as suggested. (Witness _complies_.) Thank you. (_After
+reading the paper._) Do you spell the name with a final "e"?
+
+_Second Counsel._ Really, my learned friend is carrying matters too
+far. If the anonymity of third parties is to be preserved, such a
+leading question would reveal the identity at once.
+
+_The Judge._ I suppose you mean that the query about the final "e"
+would indicate that the veiled name was "BROWNE."
+
+_Second Counsel._ Quite so, my lord; that is a conclusion that would
+be accepted by persons of the most ordinary intelligence.
+
+_First Counsel._ But as a matter of fact, the name to which I refer
+is certainly neither BROWN nor BROWNE. I will submit the paper to your
+lordship.
+
+_The Judge_ (_after perusing the slip which has been handed to him by
+an usher_). Dear me! I am greatly surprised!
+
+_Foreman of the Jury._ May we, my lord, learn the name?
+
+_First Counsel._ So far as I am concerned, I shall be only too pleased
+to allow the Gentlemen of the Jury to have the fullest information on
+the point.
+
+_Second Counsel._ If I object, it is not because I have not the
+greatest confidence in the Jury's discretion, but simply as a matter
+of principle.
+
+_First Counsel._ I do not see how the affair is a matter of principle,
+but if my learned friend objects I have no wish to push the point
+further. (_Turning to_ Witness.) And now, where did you meet this
+person whose name we have arranged to leave undiscovered?
+
+_Witness._ Perhaps you will allow me to write the locality on a piece
+of paper and pass it round?
+
+_The Judge._ I think we may do that.
+
+_First Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases. (_Course suggested
+pursued._) And now, have you ever seen any one else on the subject?
+
+_Witness._ Certainly. (_Produces a scroll._) Here is a list. I have
+purposely written their names in shorthand, so that they may only be
+recognised by those who have a knowledge of PITMAN'S method.
+
+_The Judge._ Certainly.
+
+_First Counsel._ And that, my Lord, is my case.
+
+    [_Sits down._
+
+_The Judge._ And now, Gentlemen, before we proceed further, I would
+like to make a suggestion. When we commenced this trial we arranged
+that the names of the Plaintiff and Defendant should not be made
+public. Since then it seems to me that we should learn them. What do
+you say, Gentlemen?
+
+_Foreman of the Jury._ We share your Lordship's curiosity.
+
+_The Judge_ (_addressing Counsel_). You hear.
+
+_First Counsel_ (_after consultation with his opponent_). My Lord, I
+need scarcely say that both my friend and myself are most anxious
+to meet the wishes of your Lordship. But as this is a point of great
+importance to our clients, we should like to have an opportunity
+of consulting them. No doubt the names asked for might only have a
+limited circulation--be known only to your Lordship and the Gentlemen
+of the Jury. Still there are objections to even so partial a
+publication as I have shadowed forth which make it most desirable
+that we should have an opportunity of giving the matter our fullest
+consideration. Perhaps we might adjourn until to-morrow morning?
+
+_The Judge._ Oh, certainly, certainly.
+
+    [_Court consequently adjourns to meet the necessities of the
+    situation._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MOTTO FOR THE VINEYARD PROPRIETORS IN A CERTAIN CHAMPAGNE
+DISTRICT.--"Make Ay while the sun shines."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD CRUSADERS!
+
+THE DUKE OF ARG-LL AND MR. GL-DST-NE "BROTHERS IN ARMS" AGAIN!
+
+    BULGARIA, 1876.    ARMENIA, 1895.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEURALGIA.
+
+  What do I care if sunny Spring
+    Come now at last with balmy weather?
+  What do I care for anything?
+    I hate existence altogether.
+  It makes me almost mad, in truth,
+  This awful aching in my tooth.
+
+  What do I care for wealth or fame,
+    Or woman's charms the most entrancing?
+  Despised or loved, it's all the same.
+    You would not catch me even glancing
+  At any face you ever saw;
+  I'm only thinking of my jaw.
+
+  What do I care if Trunks are low,
+    Argentines flat, Home Rails neglected?
+  Though mines may come and mines may go,
+    I'm indescribably dejected.
+  They may be, I am, "dull" and "weak."
+  Confound my throbbing, swollen cheek!
+
+  What do I care which party's in,
+    To take more pennies from my income,
+  Or, if from tax on beer or gin,
+    Or milk and water extra "tin" come?
+  My thoughts are "in another place";
+  This aching spreads throughout my face.
+
+  What do I care for any play,
+    For dance or dinner, song or supper?
+  With pangs like these I can't be gay.
+    They spread from lower jaw to upper,
+  Across my face, as I have said,
+  And now attack my hapless head.
+
+  What do I even care if She
+    May frown upon her wretched lover,
+  And like another more than me?
+    Such pangs I might in time recover.
+  I do not care, I do not know;
+  I'm aching now from top to toe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LEFT-HANDED COMPLIMENT.
+
+"BACK AGAIN, DOCTOR? I'VE BEEN _SO_ MUCH BETTER SINCE YOU WENT AWAY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING has written another Barrack-room Ballad (see _Pall
+Mall Gazette_ of Thursday last). It is called _The Men that fought at
+Minden_, and is perhaps the most coarse and unattractive specimen of
+verse that this great young man has put forth yet--a jumble of words
+without a trace of swing or music. All this Tommy Atkins business,
+with its "Rookies" and its "Johnny Raws," and its affectation of
+intimate knowledge of the common soldier's inmost feelings, is about
+played out, and the interest in it is not likely to be revived by such
+jargon as _The Men that fought at Minden_. Besides, didn't Lord GEORGE
+SACKVILLE fight(?) at Minden?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+EXPLAINED AT LAST.--The (Zoo-) logical excuse given for the
+boa-constrictor when he swallowed his companion, was that "he only
+wanted a snack for luncheon." It had been hinted that he found "the
+other one" such a "boa" at meal times that he was determined to put
+him down. But this is not the fact.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A LITTLE CHANGE.
+
+Hang it all! They have blocked the street and are laying it with
+asphalte; just in May, as usual. From early morning the quiet of my
+rooms is disturbed by the noise of the work, when I go out I scramble
+over heaps of rubbish, past smoking cauldrons of pitch, and when I
+come home at night my cab drops me nearly a quarter of a mile away.
+Moreover, one neighbouring house is being painted, and the other is
+being rebuilt. I fly from falling dust and brickbats, only to run
+against ladders and paint-pots. It is awful. And now my Aunt JANE is
+coming up from Bath, and has invited herself to tea at my chambers.
+Her rheumatism prevents her from walking more than a yard or two, she
+cannot bear any noise, and the smell of paint makes her ill. She
+is very rich, and could leave all she has to the poor. Accurately
+speaking, that class includes me, but in my aunt's opinion it does
+not. She is very suspicious, and, if I made excuses and invited her
+to tea anywhere else, she would feel convinced that I was hiding some
+guilty secret in my dull, quiet, respectable rooms. She is very prim,
+and the mere suggestion of such a thing would alienate her from me for
+ever. Why on earth can't she stop in Bath? And I shall have to go with
+her to May meetings! It is impossible; I must fly. But where? She
+has a horror and suspicion of all foreign nations, except perhaps the
+steady, industrious Swiss. Good idea--Switzerland. But what reason can
+I give for rushing off just now? Someone must send me. I have it. She
+knows I try to write a little, so I will say my editor requires me to
+go at once to Geneva to write a series of articles in the Jardin Alpin
+d'Acclimatation on Alpine botany. Botany, how respectable! Geneva,
+how sedate! Makes one think at once of CALVIN and Geneva bands. These
+sound rather frivolous, something like German bands, but they are not
+really so, only, I believe, a sort of clerical cravat. Then I will
+start off to Paris, the direct way to Geneva.
+
+Perhaps I shall never reach Geneva. Paris will do well enough. No
+streets there taken up in the Spring. No painting on the clean stone
+houses. No rebuilding on the Boulevards. No aunt of mine anywhere
+near. I shall escape all my troubles. I shall be able to smoke my
+cigarette lazily in the pleasant courtyard of the Grand Hotel, and try
+to imagine that I see some of the people in _Trilby_--_Little Billee_,
+or _Taffy_, or the _Laird_--amongst the animated, cosmopolitan crowd.
+And the stately giant in the gilt chain will solemnly arrange the
+newspapers in all languages, and will supply me with note-paper. I
+must be careful not to write to my aunt a long description of the
+Jardin Alpin d'Acclimatation de Geneve on paper stamped "Grand Hotel,
+Paris." And the attentive JOSEPH, with those long grey whiskers,
+sacred to the elderly French waiter and the elderly French lawyer,
+will exclaim, "_V'la, M'sieu!_" in all those varied tones which make
+the two syllables mean "Yessir!" "Coming, Sir!" "Here is your coffee,
+Sir!" "In a minute, Sir!" and so many things besides. And I shall be
+able to watch, assembled from all parts of the world, some younger
+and prettier faces than my Aunt JANE'S. That settles it. A regretful
+letter to my aunt. And to-morrow _en route!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CHANGE OF SPELLING?--Our dramatic friend known to the public through
+_Mr. Punch_ as ENRY HAUTHOR JONES appears to have recently altered the
+spelling of his name. He has left the JONES and the HENRY alone, but
+in the _Times_ of Friday he appears as "HENRY ARTH_E_R JONES," "U" out
+of it; and what was "E" doing there?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PRESENTATION TO THE REV. GUINNESS ROGERS.--Last week this worthy
+minister was presented by his Congregationalists with an address and a
+cheque for a thousand guineas, Mr. GLADSTONE, ex-minister, being among
+the subscribers. In future the _beneficiaire_ will be remembered as
+the "Reverend Thousand GUINNESS ROGERS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSIC NOTE (_after hearing Mr. J. M. Coward's performance on the
+Orchestral Harmonium_).--It would be high praise to say of any
+organist that "he attacks his instrument in a Cowardly manner."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"VERY APPROPRIATE."--Last Wednesday the Right Hon. A. W. _PEEL_ became
+a "_Skinner_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A COMING CHARGE.
+
+(_Prematurely Communicated by our Prophetic Reporter._)
+
+Gentlemen of the Jury, for the last couple of years or so you have no
+doubt read any number of denunciations of the conduct of the man whose
+actions you are now about to investigate. You have heard him abused
+right and left. You have seen pictures of him, in which he has been
+held up to scorn and public ridicule. You have heard it announced in
+all quarters that he is a scoundrel and a thief. And as this has been
+the case, Gentlemen of the Jury, it is my duty to tell you that you
+must put aside the recollection of these attacks. You must treat the
+prisoner before you as if he were immaculate. In fact you must lay
+aside all prejudice, and give the man a fair trial; and, Gentlemen, it
+is my duty (sanctioned by precedent) to have the pleasure of informing
+you that I am sure you will! Yes, Gentlemen of the Jury, having regard
+to all the circumstances of the case, I repeat, I am sure you will!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+At the National Liberal Club, on Wednesday, Lord ROSEBERY told the
+company they were not dancing on a volcano. That may be true, but
+it is equally true that the Government, in proposing to remit the
+sixpenny duty on whisky, are riding for a fall in (or, shall we say, a
+drop of) the "crater."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A WELLINGTON (STREET) MEMORIAL.
+
+GENERAL OPINION (MR. PUNCH) PRESENTS THE MEDAL OF THE HIGHEST ORDER
+OF HISTRIONIC MERIT TO HENRY IRVING IN RECOGNITION OF DISTINGUISHED
+SERVICE AS _CORPORAL GREGORY BREWSTER_ IN THE ACTION OF CONAN DOYLE'S
+"STORY OF WATERLOO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ON THE NEW STATUE.
+
+    ["Her Majesty's Government are about to entrust to one of our
+    first sculptors a great historical statue, which has too
+    long been wanting to the series of those who have governed
+    England."--_Lord Rosebery at the Royal Academy Banquet._]
+
+  Our "Uncrowned King" at last to stand
+    'Midst the legitimate Lord's Anointed?
+  How will they shrink, that sacred band,
+    Dismayed, disgusted, disappointed!
+  The _parvenu_ Protector thrust
+    Amidst the true Porphyrogeniti?
+  How will it stir right royal dust!
+    The mutton-eating king's amenity
+  Were hardly proof against this slur.
+    WILLIAM the thief, RUFUS the bully,
+  The traitor JOHN, and JAMES the cur,--
+    Their royal purple how 'twill sully
+  To rub against the brewer's buff!
+    HARRY, old Mother Church's glory
+  Meet this Conventicler?--Enough!
+    The Butcher dimmed not England's story
+  But rather brightened her renown.
+    In camp and court it must be said,
+  And if he did not win a crown,
+    At least he never _lost his head!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Among Mr. LE GALLIENNE'S new poems there is one entitled _Tree
+Worship_. It is _not_ dedicated to the lessee of the Haymarket Theatre
+by "an Admirer."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A MAY MEETING.
+
+  They met in a cake-shop hard by the Strand,
+    He in black broadcloth, and she in silk.
+  She had a glass of "fizz" in her hand,
+    He had a bun and a cup of milk.
+  She had a sunshade of burnished crimson,
+    He had a brolly imperfectly furled,
+  And a pair of _pince-nez_ with tortoiseshell rims on.
+    He looked the Church, and she seemed the World.
+
+  They sat on each side of a marble table,
+    His legs were curled round the legs of his chair.
+  Around them babbled a miniature Babel;
+    The sunlight gleamed on her coppery hair.
+  She held a crumpled Academy Guide,
+    Scored with crosses in bold blacklead;
+  A pile of leaflets lay at his side,
+    And he grasped a Report, which he gravely read.
+
+  His shaven lip was pendulous, long,
+    Her mouth was a cherry-hued _moue mutine_,
+  His complacent, uncomely, strong,
+    Hers soft appetence sharpened with spleen.
+  Her eyes scale-glitter, his oyster-dim,
+    His huge mouth hardened, her small lips curled
+  As he gazed at her and she glanced at him;
+    He looked the Church, and she seemed the World.
+
+  "A holy spouter from Exeter Hall!"
+    (So she mused as she sipped her wine.)
+  "A butterfly in the Belial thrall
+    Of Vanity Fair, all tinkle and shine!"
+  So thought he as he crumbled his bun
+    With clumsy fingers in loose black cloth;
+  And the impish spirit of genial fun
+    Hovered about them and mocked them both.
+
+  Mutual ignorance, mutual scorn,
+    Revealed in glances aflame though fleeting;
+  Such, in the glow of this glad May morn,
+    The inhuman spirit of mortal meeting.
+  The worm must disparage the butterfly,
+    The butterfly must despise the worm;
+  And Scorn, the purblind, will ne'er descry
+    A common bond, or a middle term.
+
+  Modish folly, factitious Art?
+    True, grave homilist, sadly true!
+  But _Boanerges_ truculent, tart,
+    What of the part that is played by you?
+  You denouncing the "Snare of Beauty,"
+    She affecting to feel its spell,--
+  Which falls shortest of human duty?
+    Shallow censor, can _you_ quite tell?
+
+  Meanwhile the lilac is blithely budding,
+    And sweetly breatheth the nutty May,
+  The golden sunshine the earth is flooding,
+    And you--you echo the old, old bray
+  Of _Boanerges_. A broader greeting
+    Of brotherhood full, warm hearts, wide eyes
+  Might lend a meaning to your "May Meeting"
+    To gladden the gentle and win the wise.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WHAT'S IN A NAME? A ROSSA, &C."--Before being ejected from the House
+of Commons on Wednesday last, O'DONOVAN ROSSA shouted out that "A
+stain had been put upon his name." Where is the ingenious craftsman
+who did it? He might try his hand next time at gilding refined gold.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+QUERY.--Can a champagne wine from the vintage of "Ay" be invariably
+and fairly described as "Ay 1"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MODES AND METALS.
+
+    ["Neckties made of aluminium have just been invented in
+    Germany."--_Evening Paper._]
+
+Visited my tailor's puddling works to-day. He has some really neat new
+pig-iron fabrics for the season. I am thinking of trying his Bessemer
+steel indestructible evening-dress suits.
+
+Really this new plan of mineral clothing comes in very usefully when
+one is attacked by roughs on a dark night. Floored an assailant most
+satisfactorily with a touch of my lead handkerchief.
+
+The only objection I can find to my aluminium summer suiting is its
+tendency to get red hot if I stand in the sun for five minutes.
+
+I think I can now safely defy my laundress to injure my patent safety
+ironclad steel shirts.
+
+I find, however, that there is no need of a laundress at all. When
+one's linen is soiled, sand-paper and a mop will clean it in no time.
+
+My frock-coat has got a nasty kink in it; must send it to be repaired
+at the smelting furnace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ONCE CUT DON'T COME AGAIN!--It was said by _The Figaro_ last week that
+Japan would demand "an extra payment of one hundred millions of
+taels by China." But surely a hundred million Chinamen would evince
+a pig-headed obstinacy in parting with, or being parted from, their
+"tails" on any consideration.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"A LIGHTSHIP SUNK."--Impossible! couldn't have been a lightship, it
+must have been a very heavy ship.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Daughter_ (_enthusiastically_). "OH, MAMMA! I _MUST_
+LEARN BICYCLING! SO DELIGHTFUL TO GO AT SUCH A PACE!"
+
+_Mamma_ (_severely_). "NO THANK YOU, MY DEAR; YOU ARE _QUITE_ 'FAST'
+ENOUGH ALREADY!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
+
+_House of Commons, Monday, May 6._--Welsh Disestablishment Bill on.
+So is The Man from Shropshire. STANLEY LEIGHTON, as GEORGE TREVELYAN
+pointed out long ago, is irresistibly like the ruined Chancery
+Suitor of _Bleak House_. Always dashing into debate as The Man from
+Shropshire broke in on the business of the Court of Chancery. "Mr.
+Chairman!" he shouts, and waves his arms, as The Man from Shropshire
+cried aloud, "My lord! My lord!" and tried to seize the Lord
+Chancellor by wig or neck. After first ebullition, our Man from
+Shropshire quietens down. Argues with gravity of tone and manner that
+seem to imply he has something to say. Turns out he hasn't; but, on
+the Welsh Disestablishment Bill, that no matter.
+
+[Illustration: The Joys of Office. "Speaker! Hats off, Strangers!"]
+
+Curious how this Church Bill brings to the front men who, if heard at
+all, certainly do not speak in chorus on any other question. After
+The Man from Shropshire comes TOMLINSON, who, early in proceedings,
+displays irresistible tendency to discuss points of order with
+SPEAKER. New SPEAKER has, however, already got hand in, and, before
+TOMLINSON, who remembers being on his feet addressing Chair, quite
+knows where he is, he finds himself sitting down again, CRANBORNE also
+on warpath, his very hair bristling with indignation at this fresh
+attack on the Church. Glib GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN has a field-night;
+makes long speech on moving Instruction standing in his own name. His
+obvious, unaffected enjoyment of his own oratory should be infectious;
+but isn't.
+
+[Illustration: The Cares of Office. Mr. Cawmel-Bannerman crosses the
+Lobby.]
+
+Colonel LOCKWOOD, that pillar of the Church, was the first called on
+in Committee to move amendment. Colonel not in his place. Report
+has it the devout man is in library reading THOMAS A KEMPIS, or
+DRELINCOURT on Death. Here is opportunity for GLIB-GRIFFITH to
+make another speech. Dashes in; starting off with promise of good
+half-hour; desire for LOCKWOOD'S appearance irresistible. As ADDISON
+says, with hereditary disposition to drop into poetry, and the belief
+that he is quoting TENNYSON,
+
+  Better fifty words from LOCKWOOD
+  Than a thousand from BOSCAWEN.
+
+Scouts sent out in all directions. The Colonel discovered in sort of
+oratory he has contrived in far recess of library. Brought back to
+House; found BOSCAWEN bowling along. "This is my show," said the
+Colonel as he passed BOSCAWEN on his way to his seat. More fierceness
+in his eye than befit the man or the occasion. BOSCAWEN stared over
+his head, and went on with his speech. Opportunity too precious to
+be lost. If LOCKWOOD meant to move his amendment he should have been
+there when called upon. He wasn't: BOSCAWEN found it, so to speak,
+by roadside. Now it was his; would make the most of it; pegged along
+whilst the Colonel muttered remarks as he glared upon him. Some who
+sat by said it was a prayer. Others, catching a word here and there,
+said it was a quotation from THOMAS A KEMPIS. Whatever it might have
+been, Colonel seemed much moved. Hardly pacified when, at end of
+twenty minutes, GLIB-GRIFFITH sat down, and LOCKWOOD, finding himself
+in peculiar position of seconding his own amendment, delivered the
+speech he had prepared for moving it.
+
+_Business done._--Got into Committee on Welsh Disestablishment Bill.
+
+_Tuesday._--Pretty to see PRINCE ARTHUR drop down on GEORGE RUSSELL
+just now for speaking disrespectfully of SILOMIO. That eminent
+patriot, having in his newly-assumed character of Patron Saint of
+Japan, cross-examined EDWARD GREY upon latest Treaty negotiations,
+accused ASQUITH of nothing less than stealing a county. "Filching"
+was precise word, which has its equivalent in Slang Dictionary in
+sneaking. Idea of HOME SECRETARY hovering over the Marches in dead
+of night, and, when he thought no one was looking, picking up
+Monmouthshire, and putting it in his coat-tail pocket, amused
+scanty audience. But SILOMIO really wrath. "Always Anti-English this
+Government," he exclaimed, with scornful sweep of red right hand along
+line of smiling faces on Treasury Bench. "A stirring burst of British
+patriotism," GEORGE RUSSELL characterised it. JOHN BULL _in excelsis_.
+The more notable since, on reference to official record, he found the
+Knight from Sheffield was born in the United States, and descended
+from the Pilgrim Fathers.
+
+"Which one?" inquired voice from back bench, an inquiry very properly
+disregarded. (A new phrase this, SARK notes, for use by retired
+tradesmen, setting up to spend rest of useful lives in retirement
+at Clapham or Camberwell. To trace their family tree back to
+transplantation at period of Conquest, played out. Instead of "Came
+over with the Conqueror," newer, more picturesque, equally historical
+to say, "Came over with the Pilgrim Fathers.")
+
+PRINCE ARTHUR not in mood for speculation of this kind. Cut to the
+heart by remarks he suspected of slighting intent towards his friend
+and colleague. In SILOMIO PRINCE ARTHUR has long learned to recognise
+all the graces and all the talents. Apart from personal consideration,
+he feels how much the Party owe to him for having raised within its
+ranks the standard of culture and conduct. To have him attacked, even
+in fun, by an Under Secretary, was more than he could stand. So,
+in gravest tone, with no flicker of a smile on his expressive
+countenance, he declared that a more unfortunate speech he had
+never heard. "If the hon. gentleman intends," he added, "to take a
+considerable part in debate, I would earnestly recommend him either
+to change the character of his humour, or entirely to repress the
+exhibition."
+
+Beautiful! In its way, all things considered, best thing PRINCE ARTHUR
+has done this Session. House grinned; but two big hot tears coursed
+down cheek of SILOMIO, making deep furrows in the war paint.
+
+"That's tit for tat with GEORGIE RUSSELL," said HERBERT GARDNER to
+SOLICITOR-GENERAL, with vague recollection of a historic phrase.
+
+"Quite perfect," said LOCKWOOD. "But what a loss the stage has
+sustained by PRINCE ARTHUR taking to politics? Tried both myself and
+know something about it." _Business done._--An eight hours day with
+Welsh Disestablishment Bill.
+
+[Illustration: Piling Peeler upon Rossa!]
+
+_Thursday._--TANNER'S curiosity inconveniently uncontrollable. At
+end of sitting given up to Scotland no one thinking about
+COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF or TANNER either. Successive divisions had carried
+sitting far beyond midnight, that blessed hour at which, in ordinary
+circumstances, debate stands adjourned. Quarter of an hour occupied in
+dividing on question whether they should divide on amendment. Proposal
+affirmed; another quarter of an hour spent in fresh division. Nothing
+possible further to be done, Members streamed forth, scrambling for
+cabs in Palace Yard. CONYBEARE in charge of a Bill dealing with false
+alarms of fire, managed to get it through Committee unopposed. Members
+little recked how near they were to real alarm of worse than fire.
+
+Twenty minutes earlier, when last division taken, over 330 Members
+filled House. Now the tide ebbed; only the thirty odd Members in their
+places jealously watching SPEAKER running through Orders of the
+Day. TANNER bobbing up and down on bench like parched pea. Heard
+it somewhere whispered that Duke of CAMBRIDGE, worn out with long
+campaign, about to unhelm, unbuckle his sword, hang up his dinted
+armour. TANNER feels he can't go to bed leaving unsettled the problem
+of truth or phantasy. Not a moment to be lost. SPEAKER risen to put
+question "That this House do now adjourn." Then TANNER blurts out the
+inquiry, "Is it true?" "Order! order!" says the SPEAKER. Well, if they
+didn't like the question in the form he had first put it, he would try
+again.
+
+"I would ask," he said, adopting conditional mood as least likely to
+hurt anyone's feelings, "whether a member of the Royal Family who has
+really" (most desirous of not putting it too strongly, but really you
+know) "been drawing public money too long is going to retire?"
+
+"Order! order!" roared the few Members present.
+
+"I would ask that question," repeated TANNER, still in the conditional
+mood, but nodding confidentially all round.
+
+The Blameless BARTLEY happily at post of duty. Broke in with protest.
+SPEAKER ruled question out of order. But the good TANNER came back
+like a bad sixpence.
+
+"Is his Royal Highness going to retire?" he insisted, getting redder
+than ever in the face. "Order! order!" shouted Members in chorus. Thus
+encouraged, TANNER sang out the solo again, "Is his Royal Highness
+going to retire?"
+
+That was his question. The SPEAKER, distinctly differing, affirmed
+"The question is that the House do now adjourn;" which it did
+straightway, leaving Dr. TANNER to go to a sleepless bed haunted by an
+unanswered question.
+
+"What I should like," said Lieut.-General Sir FREDERICK WELLINGTON
+FITZ WYGRAM, who served in the Crimea with H.R.H., has been in command
+of the Cavalry Brigade at Aldershot, and in other positions come in
+personal contact with the COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF, "What I should like," he
+repeated reflectively, stroking his chin, "would be the opportunity,
+enjoyed from a safe distance, of hearing the Dook personally reply to
+TANNER'S interrogation."
+
+_Business done._--Wrangle all night round Scotch Committee.
+
+_Friday._--SQUIRE sat through dull morning sitting listening with air
+of pathetic resignation to Members talking round Budget. QUILTER led
+off with prodigiously long paper on the Art of Brewing Beer. Seems
+they fill up the cup with all kinds of mysterious ingredients.
+BROOKFIELD, looking round and observing both JOSEPH and JESSE
+absent, whispered in ear of sympathetic Chairman that Birmingham has
+reputation in the Trade of making and drinking beer containing minimum
+of malt, maximum of sugar, and warranted to do the greatest damage to
+the system. SQUIRE, momentarily waking up from mournful mood, observed
+that Birmingham is also headquarters of Liberal Unionism. Might
+be nothing in coincidence, but there it was. RASCH posed as the
+distressed agriculturist. JOKIM tried to walk on both sides of road at
+same time, and Government got majority of 24. _Business done._--Budget
+Resolutions agreed to.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TO YVETTE GUILBERT AT THE EMPIRE.
+
+  YVETTE! your praise resounds on every hand.
+  And those laugh loudest who least understand.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Page 229: 'visistor' corrected to 'visitor'.
+
+(_Knock._) Ah, here comes my visitor. (_Enter stranger._)
+
+The illustration for 'The Old Crusaders' originally covered 2 pages,
+pp. 234 and 235 (centrefold/centerfold), with a blank page on either
+side.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+108, May 18th, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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