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diff --git a/44790-0.txt b/44790-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..c977637 --- /dev/null +++ b/44790-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1194 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44790 *** + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +Volume 108, May 18th 1895. + +_edited by Sir Francis Burnand_ + + + + +[Illustration: HOP PROSPECTS. + +SAID PULEX THE SKIPPER TO MISS CICADA, "DO YOU EXPECT A GOOD HOPPING +SEASON THIS YEAR?"] + + * * * * * + +ODE TO A (LONDON) "LARK." + + (_Some Way after Quisquis._) + + Oh, "lark," which all the "Comiques" sing, + And every drunken rowdy pup, too; + Sure you're a vicious, vulgar thing + As ever toper swigged a cup to. + + Hints of the boozy and the blue + Surround you; sodden brains you soften; + Yet rhymsters make a song of you, + And rowdies sing it--far too often. + + The aim of every loose-lipped lout + Appears to be to "lark" divinely; + When from his haunts he gets chucked out, + He deems his "spree" has ended finely. + + He tracks the "lark"--aye, "like a bird," + Upon the turf, among its "daisies"; + But, by sweet SHELLEY, 'tis absurd, + Foul bird of prey, to pipe your _praises!_ + + * * * * * + +A KIND OFFER.--A lady who is not well up in Parliamentary matters +writes to us saying that she has seen mentioned in the papers "Mr. +Speaker's Retirement Bill," and would very much like to know what the +amount is. Her admiration for the late SPEAKER is so great that, our +fair correspondent goes on to say, she would willingly defray the +whole amount herself, or if the total be too much for her pocket, +then would she cheerfully head a subscription list. She is perfectly +certain that Mr. PEEL was a very moderate man, and therefore the +entire sum cannot be very startling. + + * * * * * + +RATHER "BOLD ADVERTISEMENT." + + ["Advertisements for some time past have been inserted in + Government publications."--_Daily Paper._] + +SCENE--_Room of a_ Secretary of State. _Present_ Right Hon. Gentleman +_attended by his_ Private Secretary. + +_Right Hon. Gentleman._ Well, TENTERFORE, anything for me this +morning? + +_Private Secretary._ I think not. You will find that I have worked out +the answers to to-day's questions--the list is not a very heavy one, +only a couple of dozen queries or thereabouts. + +_Rt. Hon. Gent._ That's right. Such a lot of time is wasted in that +sort of thing. And has anyone come for me? + +_Priv. Sec._ No one of importance. A fellow with a new invention or +something of that sort. Said you were extremely busy just now, but +that if he would write, his letter would receive the attention of the +department. + +_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Was he satisfied? + +_Priv. Sec._ (_smiling_). Well, I fear not entirely. I think he must +have had some experience of Government offices. He said he preferred +to see you personally. + +_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_amused_). I daresay he would. Anyone else? + +_Priv. Sec._ Only a man about advertisements. + +_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_aghast_). You did not send _him_ away? + +_Priv. Sec._ Well, no. I believe he is still in the waiting-room. But +surely you don't want to see him? + +_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Of course I do. A most important person. Send a +messenger for him at once. (_Exit_ Private Secretary.) That's the +worst of TENTERFORE--so impulsive! Means well, but so very impulsive! +(_Knock._) Ah, here comes my visitor. (_Enter stranger._) My very dear +Sir, I am delighted to see you. (_He shakes hands warmly and +provides him with an arm-chair._) I am sorry you should have been +detained--quite a mistake. + +_Stranger_ (_surprised_). You are most kind. I come about some +advertisements. + +_Rt. Hon. Gent._ I know, my dear Sir, I know. Now what can I tempt +you with? You arrive at a most fortunate moment. We are thinking of +letting the sides of our cruisers for posters. The Mediterranean fleet +will be a most excellent medium. We can do sixteen double crowns at +a very reasonable rate; of course the Admiral's flag-ship would be a +trifle extra. Is your leading article soap, pickles, or hair-dye? + +_Stranger._ I am afraid you do not understand me. + +_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Oh yes, I do; but, if you object to marine +advertisements, I think we can suit you on land. We have several +commanding positions on the colours of some of the most popular +regiments in the service vacant. (_Showing plans._) You see we can +insert type--we object to blocks--on the material without interfering +with the badges or the victories. A most admirable medium, I assure +you. + +_Stranger._ You really are in error. I wish to say---- + +_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_interrupting_). Yes, I know. You think that +something would be better. Well, we can put advertisements on the +backs of all petitions presented to Parliament, and let you out +hoardings in front of the more prominent of the Government offices. +How would that suit you? + +_Stranger._ Really, you must allow me to explain. Advertisements +of matters interesting to mariners--such as notices of wrecks--are +inserted solely in the _London Gazette_ and---- + +_Rt. Hon. Gent._ Ah, you are thinking of the sky signs. Well, of +course, we might utilise the lighthouses, but we have not quite made +up our minds whether such a course might not cause confusion in misty +weather. + +_Stranger._ I was going to propose that the Government might feel +inclined to insert the advertisements to which I have referred in a +paper with which I am connected, and which is extensively circulated +amongst seafaring men. + +_Rt. Hon. Gent._ (_astounded_). You want _me_ to give _you_ an +advertisement! No, Sir; now that we have taken up advertisements we +insert them and don't give them out. (_Enter_ Private Secretary.) Mr. +TENTERFORE, be so good as to explain to this gentleman that my time is +valuable. + + [_Scene closes in upon the_ Secretary of State _performing the + now rather miscellaneous duties appertaining to his office._ + + * * * * * + +BRIEF STAY IN LONDON OF THE EMINENT FRENCH NOVELIST.--He has not quite +mastered our idioms, but he has made a pun in English, when saying, +"_J'y suis, moi, Daudet; je pars demain_," _i.e._, "I am here +_Do-day_, and gone to-morrow." + + * * * * * + +SUGGESTION.--"_The Attaree Khat Tea Co._" is a nice name. Why +not follow with the "_Attaree Khat and Kitten Milk Co._"? Very +attaree-active to some pussons. + + * * * * * + +MOTTO (ADDRESSED TO FLUTES, HAUTBOYS, &C.) FOR CONDUCTOR OF THE +STRAUSS ORCHESTRA.--"STRAUSS shows how the wind is to blow." + + * * * * * + +"INFANT PHENOMENON!"--At Drury Lane, the arduous part of _Don Cæsar_ +in the opera of _Maritana_ was last Friday played by a CHILD! + + * * * * * + +WORD OF COMMAND FOR HOSPITAL SUNDAY.--"Present Alms!" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES. + +_Algy._ "COME AND DINE WITH ME WITH ME TO-NIGHT, SNOBBINGTON?" + +_Snobbington._ "SORRY TO SAY I CAN'T, OLD CHAPPIE. AFRAID I'VE GO TO +GO AND DINE WITH THAT OLD FOOL, LORD BOREHAM, FOR MY SINS!" + +_Lord Boreham_ (_from behind his Newspaper_). "PRAY CONSIDER YOURSELF +EXCUSED THIS EVENING, MR.----MR.----A--I FIND I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU BY +SIGHT!" + + [_Which is quite true!_ +] + + * * * * * + +'ARRY AND THE NEW WOMAN. + + Dear CHARLIE,--'Ow are you, old shipmate? _I_'ve bin layin' low + for a time. + 'Ard years these 'ere Nineties, my nibs, yus, and bizness 'as bin + fur from prime. + All grind and no gay galoot, CHARLIE, of late 'as bin _my_ little + lot; + An' between you and me _and_ the post, I think most things is + going to pot! + + It's Newness wot's doing it, CHARLIE! "Lor! _that_'s a rum + gospel," sez you. + Well, p'raps in your green tooral-looral you don't hear so much of + the New; + But in town with New Art, and New Women, New Drammer, New Humour, + and such, + There seems nothink _old_ left in creation, save four-arf, and + DANNEL'S old Dutch. + + _She_'s old, and no hapricots, CHARLIE. But DANNEL'S a decentish + sort, + And the way as _she_ lays down the law about up-to-date woman _is_ + sport. + 'Er nutcrackers clitter and clatter; and when she is fair on the + shout, + Concernin' fresh feminine fashions, you bet it's a reglar knock-out! + + I took LIL, DANNEL'S youngest, larst week to the play, with some + tickets I'd got. + Well, paperers mustn't be choosers. But oh, mate, of all the + dashed rot + They ever chucked over the footlights, this 'ere Probblem Play wos + the wust! + It left me with brain discumfuddled, the blues, and a thundering + thust. + + It gave poor LIL 'ARRIS the 'orrors. "Lor, 'ARRY," she sez, coming + out, + "They've styged it, no doubt, tol-lol-poppish, but wot _is_ the + 'ole thing about? + I feel just as creepy and 'oller, along o' these 'ere warmed-up + ghosts, + As if I'd bin dining on spiders. Eugh! Let's 'ave a glarss at 'The + Posts.'" + + It took two 'ot tiddleys to warm 'er. An' when I was blowin' a cloud + A-top o' the tram going 'ome, she sez, "'ARRY," sez she, "_I_ + ain't proud, + But don't tyke me never no more to no New Woman nonsense," sez she. + "It's narsty; and not one good snivel _or_ larf in the whole + jamboree. + + "I don't call them _people_, I don't." "No; they're probblems, + _Lil_, that's wot _they_ are. + She-probblem a tearin' 'er 'air, whilst the he-probblem sucks 'is + cigar; + Two gurl-probblems sniffing at Marriage, that played-out old + farce--at sixteen!-- + I thought we was fair up-to-date, _Lil_, but, bless yer, we're + simply pea-green!" + + And when we arrived at Lamb's Conduit Street, old DANNEL 'ARRIS'S + shop, + His old Dutch got fair on the grind, and when started she's orkud + to stop. + "New Woman?" sez she. "_She_'s no clarss, LIL, and don't know a + mite where she are. + Yah! _We_ used to call 'em Old Cats; and a sootabler name, too, by + far. + + "There ain't nothink new in _their_ Newness; it's only old garbige + warmed up. + Mere bubble-and-squeak. The stale taters and greens on which poor + people sup + Is 'olesome compared with sich offal. Yah! Weddings'll outlast + _that_ lot; + And while gals is gals the old Eve'll jest make the new evil seem + rot." + + The jawsome old guffin wos right, _Charlie_; leastways, she wosn't + fur out. + Yer female footballers and bikers, as swagger and go on the shout, + And spile a good sport _and_ their hancles, are not more complete + off the track + Than them as "revolt"--agin Nature, and cock their she-bokos--at + fack! + + All splutter-sludge, CHARLIE! On styge or on cinder-path, sillypop + things + As want to play Man and _be_ Woman are trying to fly without wings, + Or fight without fistes. Are Men, the world's masters--like you, + mate, and Me-- + To be knocked out by probblems in petticoats? Wot bloomin' + fiddle-de-dee! + + The Old Dutch, and young LIL, and myself are all much of a mind on + this job. + Old 'ARRIS sez men are not in it. _He_ don't mean it, I'll bet a + bob. + It ain't very likely, not now, that Yours Scrumptiously ever + _will_ marry; + But _if_ I should tyke a Old Woman, it won't be no New Woman! + + 'ARRY. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Edith._ "I DON'T BELIEVE JACK WILL EVER LEARN TO +DANCE!" + +_Alice_ (_whose dress has suffered_). "WORSE THAN THAT--HE WILL NEVER +LEARN NOT TO ATTEMPT IT!"] + + * * * * * + +FAIR CHILDREN IN GRAFTON STREET. + +A splendid show, though some of the children are neither fair nor +beautiful. Note No. 114, "_The Chinese Boy_," by Sir JOSHUA. He is a +boy, certainly, but his complexion has a mahogany tinge not usually +associated with loveliness. CATHERINE DE MEDICIS, if we may judge by +No. 67, was a plain, decent, housewifely body, with a family of four +horrors, three male and one female, all of whom, eventually, wore +a crown. Can it be possible that _La Reine Margot_ ever looked like +_that?_ If so, the great DUMAS is convicted of gross deceit. For a +screaming farce in oil, let the visitor look at No. 155, "_The Infant +Johnson_," by Sir JOSHUA. Some one has evidently suggested to the +baby lexicographer that he should have a bath. Naturally enough he +is furious at the idea. "Sir," he seems to say, "let us take a +perambulator down Fleet Street, or anywhere else, but let us not +bathe." Can there not be found a companion picture of the mighty +infant in a cheerful mood, prattling out a "What, nurse, are you for a +frolic? Then I'm with you." In a case labelled No. 454 are to be seen +toys, dolls, and playthings found in Children's Tombs in Egypt. +Here, too, is the "_Mummy of a Baby_." "I see the baby," observed an +intelligent child-visitor; "but where is its Mummy? _My_ Mummy never +ties baby up like that." + + * * * * * + +NOT DUE NORTH.--The _North British Daily Mail_, referring to the +rumour that the Prince of WALES may go to New York in the autumn +to see the contest for the America Cup, says: "There will be better +racing on the Clyde than there was last year. Let the PRINCE come +north at midsummer this year." Very likely the race on the Clyde will +be a good one. But our Scottish contemporary forgets that a visit to +the United States on the part of H.R.H. would be to the advantage of +two races--the American and the British. It would be sure to cause +good feeling on either side of the Atlantic. Why should not Caledonia +wait? + + * * * * * + +BY OUR OWN CRICKET ON THE HEARTH.--For any ordinary English team to +attempt tackling the Australian Eleven coming over here next season, +would show not so much the merit of the team, but its team-erity. + + * * * * * + +THE PRIVILEGE OF THE PRESS. + + SCENE--_Anywhere_. _Present_, BROWN _and_ JONES. + +_Brown_ (_perusing paper_). Capital speech of ARTHUR J. BALFOUR at the +Newspaper Society's Dinner the other evening. His compliments to the +Press were in every way deserved. + +_Jones_ (_also reading a journal_). Quite so. I am glad to see that +the admirable publication I am now devouring objects to gambling in +all its branches. + +_Brown._ So does this. There is an excellent leader on the fourth page +exposing the scandals of the Stock Exchange. + +_Jones._ And here I find on page two a most earnest attack upon the +abuses of the turf. + +_Brown._ Such intelligent comments should do a world of good. + +_Jones._ I am sure of it. I know, speaking for myself, I feel much +better after perusing a column that might have supplied the pabulum of +a sermon. + +_Brown._ Just my case. It really strengthens one's moral perceptions +to come across such noble sentiments. Well, as we have both read the +leaders, let us exchange papers. + +_Jones._ With pleasure, only I want just to glance at the latest odds. +This journal gives the latest information on all matters connected +with racing and the turf generally. + +_Brown._ Just so, that is why I wanted to read it. Well, I must fill +up the time by looking at the money article. Commend me to the city +editor of this favourite production when you want to have a gentle +flutter! + + * * * * * + +"KEY-NOTES."--In anticipation of H.R.H. the Prince of WALES visiting +the Isle of Man later in the year, though at present + + The Prince of WALES declines, with thanks, + The invitation sent from Manx, + +the House of Keys has put every quay on the bunch at His Royal +Highness's disposal for landing. + + * * * * * + +FLOWER SHOWS AND CITY BUSINESS.--"_Preference Stocks._ Chatham Seconds +_Rose_." What a sweet combination of colour and scent per scent! + + * * * * * + +EXPECTEDNESS. + +"Inevitable" is the new cant phrase, and certain phrases _are_ +inevitable, it would seem. + +It is inevitable, if you should happen to beg the pardon of one of the +lower middle class, that he (or more generally _she_) will reply with +"Granted!" + +It is inevitable, if you converse with a young Oxonian of immature +intellect, that he will murder the QUEEN'S, or (as he would call +it) Quagger's, English by some such expression as "What a beastly +sensagger!" or invite you to "stagger for the dagger" (_i.e._ stay for +the day). But competent authorities are inclined to think that this +laborious form of undergraduate wit, or "wagger," is doomed to speedy +"extigger." + +It is inevitable that the would-be smart business person, when +inditing a circular or club notice, will say, "Forward _same_," or, "I +inclose _same_," instead of "_it_," whatever it may happen to be. + +It is inevitable that, when 'ARRY wishes to be familiarly polite at +parting, he will take his leave with "So long." + +It is inevitable that, when a young City man desires to express his +disapproval of any individual or thing, he will dismiss it as "no +class." + +It is inevitable, if you make any surprising or absurd statement to a +Yankee, that his comment thereon will be, "Is that so!" + +It is inevitable, if you meet an actor "resting" in the Strand, that +he will ask you to "Name it," and you will proceed to do so (possibly +at your own expense) at one or more of the excellent drinking-bars in +that locality. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A YORKSHIRE GOSSIP. + +_First Gossip._ "SO YOU WAS NIVVER AXED TUT FUNERAL?" + +_Second Gossip._ "NIVVER AS MUCH AS INSIDE T'HOUSE. BUT NOBBUT WAIT +TILL _WE_ HEV' A FUNERAL OF US OWN, AN' _WE_'LL SHOW 'EM!"] + + * * * * * + +A-DRESS BY MR. SPEAKER. + + ["Certain Members object to attending the SPEAKER'S dinner or + _levées_ in full dress."] + +_Mr. Speaker._ + + "Oh, ye must walk in silk attire, + And swords and buckles wear, + Gin ye wad come to dine wi' me, + Or tend my _levées_ mair." + +_The Members._ + + "Oh, what's to us your silken show, + And swords and buckles smart?-- + And if you still insist upon 't, + Then you and we must part!" + +_Mr. Speaker._ + + "Then ye shall come in what attire + It suits ye best to wear, + Gin ye 'll consent to mind the Whip, + Nor plague the Party mair." + + * * * * * + +WORTHY OBJECT.--It is encouraging to hear of a "_Mission to Deep Sea +Fishermen_." The deeper the sea-fishermen are, the more necessary is +the mission. These Deep Sea-Fishermen are generally supposed to be +able to look after their own soles; but now they will receive aid in +their work. As the Bishop of LIVERPOOL is a prominent patron of this +good work, it may be taken for granted that most of these deep 'uns +are fishermen in his Lordship's See. + + * * * * * + +AN ACQUITTAL.--With what a sense of relief does a _bon vivant_ who has +been brought up by Corporal AILMENT before the Doctor's Court Martial +hear the verdict of "Not Gouty!" + + * * * * * + +LAW IN BLANK. + +(_A Natural Development of the Modern System of Suppression._) + + SCENE--_Interior of one of the Royal Courts. Customary + occupants and surroundings._ Witness _in the box undergoing + cross-examination_. + +_First Counsel._ And now will you give me the name of the person you +met on that occasion? + +_Second Counsel._ I do not wish to interfere without reason; but +surely it is unnecessary to introduce third parties into this inquiry. + +_Witness._ Perhaps I might follow the plan I adopted in my +examination-in-chief and write the name on a piece of paper? + +_The Judge._ That seems a reasonable course to pursue. + +_First Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases. Then be so good as to give +me the name as suggested. (Witness _complies_.) Thank you. (_After +reading the paper._) Do you spell the name with a final "e"? + +_Second Counsel._ Really, my learned friend is carrying matters too +far. If the anonymity of third parties is to be preserved, such a +leading question would reveal the identity at once. + +_The Judge._ I suppose you mean that the query about the final "e" +would indicate that the veiled name was "BROWNE." + +_Second Counsel._ Quite so, my lord; that is a conclusion that would +be accepted by persons of the most ordinary intelligence. + +_First Counsel._ But as a matter of fact, the name to which I refer +is certainly neither BROWN nor BROWNE. I will submit the paper to your +lordship. + +_The Judge_ (_after perusing the slip which has been handed to him by +an usher_). Dear me! I am greatly surprised! + +_Foreman of the Jury._ May we, my lord, learn the name? + +_First Counsel._ So far as I am concerned, I shall be only too pleased +to allow the Gentlemen of the Jury to have the fullest information on +the point. + +_Second Counsel._ If I object, it is not because I have not the +greatest confidence in the Jury's discretion, but simply as a matter +of principle. + +_First Counsel._ I do not see how the affair is a matter of principle, +but if my learned friend objects I have no wish to push the point +further. (_Turning to_ Witness.) And now, where did you meet this +person whose name we have arranged to leave undiscovered? + +_Witness._ Perhaps you will allow me to write the locality on a piece +of paper and pass it round? + +_The Judge._ I think we may do that. + +_First Counsel._ As your Lordship pleases. (_Course suggested +pursued._) And now, have you ever seen any one else on the subject? + +_Witness._ Certainly. (_Produces a scroll._) Here is a list. I have +purposely written their names in shorthand, so that they may only be +recognised by those who have a knowledge of PITMAN'S method. + +_The Judge._ Certainly. + +_First Counsel._ And that, my Lord, is my case. + + [_Sits down._ + +_The Judge._ And now, Gentlemen, before we proceed further, I would +like to make a suggestion. When we commenced this trial we arranged +that the names of the Plaintiff and Defendant should not be made +public. Since then it seems to me that we should learn them. What do +you say, Gentlemen? + +_Foreman of the Jury._ We share your Lordship's curiosity. + +_The Judge_ (_addressing Counsel_). You hear. + +_First Counsel_ (_after consultation with his opponent_). My Lord, I +need scarcely say that both my friend and myself are most anxious +to meet the wishes of your Lordship. But as this is a point of great +importance to our clients, we should like to have an opportunity +of consulting them. No doubt the names asked for might only have a +limited circulation--be known only to your Lordship and the Gentlemen +of the Jury. Still there are objections to even so partial a +publication as I have shadowed forth which make it most desirable +that we should have an opportunity of giving the matter our fullest +consideration. Perhaps we might adjourn until to-morrow morning? + +_The Judge._ Oh, certainly, certainly. + + [_Court consequently adjourns to meet the necessities of the + situation._ + + * * * * * + +MOTTO FOR THE VINEYARD PROPRIETORS IN A CERTAIN CHAMPAGNE +DISTRICT.--"Make Ay while the sun shines." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE OLD CRUSADERS! + +THE DUKE OF ARG-LL AND MR. GL-DST-NE "BROTHERS IN ARMS" AGAIN! + + BULGARIA, 1876. ARMENIA, 1895.] + + * * * * * + +NEURALGIA. + + What do I care if sunny Spring + Come now at last with balmy weather? + What do I care for anything? + I hate existence altogether. + It makes me almost mad, in truth, + This awful aching in my tooth. + + What do I care for wealth or fame, + Or woman's charms the most entrancing? + Despised or loved, it's all the same. + You would not catch me even glancing + At any face you ever saw; + I'm only thinking of my jaw. + + What do I care if Trunks are low, + Argentines flat, Home Rails neglected? + Though mines may come and mines may go, + I'm indescribably dejected. + They may be, I am, "dull" and "weak." + Confound my throbbing, swollen cheek! + + What do I care which party's in, + To take more pennies from my income, + Or, if from tax on beer or gin, + Or milk and water extra "tin" come? + My thoughts are "in another place"; + This aching spreads throughout my face. + + What do I care for any play, + For dance or dinner, song or supper? + With pangs like these I can't be gay. + They spread from lower jaw to upper, + Across my face, as I have said, + And now attack my hapless head. + + What do I even care if She + May frown upon her wretched lover, + And like another more than me? + Such pangs I might in time recover. + I do not care, I do not know; + I'm aching now from top to toe. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A LEFT-HANDED COMPLIMENT. + +"BACK AGAIN, DOCTOR? I'VE BEEN _SO_ MUCH BETTER SINCE YOU WENT AWAY!"] + + * * * * * + +Mr. RUDYARD KIPLING has written another Barrack-room Ballad (see _Pall +Mall Gazette_ of Thursday last). It is called _The Men that fought at +Minden_, and is perhaps the most coarse and unattractive specimen of +verse that this great young man has put forth yet--a jumble of words +without a trace of swing or music. All this Tommy Atkins business, +with its "Rookies" and its "Johnny Raws," and its affectation of +intimate knowledge of the common soldier's inmost feelings, is about +played out, and the interest in it is not likely to be revived by such +jargon as _The Men that fought at Minden_. Besides, didn't Lord GEORGE +SACKVILLE fight(?) at Minden? + + * * * * * + +EXPLAINED AT LAST.--The (Zoo-) logical excuse given for the +boa-constrictor when he swallowed his companion, was that "he only +wanted a snack for luncheon." It had been hinted that he found "the +other one" such a "boa" at meal times that he was determined to put +him down. But this is not the fact. + + * * * * * + +A LITTLE CHANGE. + +Hang it all! They have blocked the street and are laying it with +asphalte; just in May, as usual. From early morning the quiet of my +rooms is disturbed by the noise of the work, when I go out I scramble +over heaps of rubbish, past smoking cauldrons of pitch, and when I +come home at night my cab drops me nearly a quarter of a mile away. +Moreover, one neighbouring house is being painted, and the other is +being rebuilt. I fly from falling dust and brickbats, only to run +against ladders and paint-pots. It is awful. And now my Aunt JANE is +coming up from Bath, and has invited herself to tea at my chambers. +Her rheumatism prevents her from walking more than a yard or two, she +cannot bear any noise, and the smell of paint makes her ill. She +is very rich, and could leave all she has to the poor. Accurately +speaking, that class includes me, but in my aunt's opinion it does +not. She is very suspicious, and, if I made excuses and invited her +to tea anywhere else, she would feel convinced that I was hiding some +guilty secret in my dull, quiet, respectable rooms. She is very prim, +and the mere suggestion of such a thing would alienate her from me for +ever. Why on earth can't she stop in Bath? And I shall have to go with +her to May meetings! It is impossible; I must fly. But where? She +has a horror and suspicion of all foreign nations, except perhaps the +steady, industrious Swiss. Good idea--Switzerland. But what reason can +I give for rushing off just now? Someone must send me. I have it. She +knows I try to write a little, so I will say my editor requires me to +go at once to Geneva to write a series of articles in the Jardin Alpin +d'Acclimatation on Alpine botany. Botany, how respectable! Geneva, +how sedate! Makes one think at once of CALVIN and Geneva bands. These +sound rather frivolous, something like German bands, but they are not +really so, only, I believe, a sort of clerical cravat. Then I will +start off to Paris, the direct way to Geneva. + +Perhaps I shall never reach Geneva. Paris will do well enough. No +streets there taken up in the Spring. No painting on the clean stone +houses. No rebuilding on the Boulevards. No aunt of mine anywhere +near. I shall escape all my troubles. I shall be able to smoke my +cigarette lazily in the pleasant courtyard of the Grand Hôtel, and try +to imagine that I see some of the people in _Trilby_--_Little Billee_, +or _Taffy_, or the _Laird_--amongst the animated, cosmopolitan crowd. +And the stately giant in the gilt chain will solemnly arrange the +newspapers in all languages, and will supply me with note-paper. I +must be careful not to write to my aunt a long description of the +Jardin Alpin d'Acclimatation de Geneve on paper stamped "Grand Hôtel, +Paris." And the attentive JOSEPH, with those long grey whiskers, +sacred to the elderly French waiter and the elderly French lawyer, +will exclaim, "_V'là, M'sieu!_" in all those varied tones which make +the two syllables mean "Yessir!" "Coming, Sir!" "Here is your coffee, +Sir!" "In a minute, Sir!" and so many things besides. And I shall be +able to watch, assembled from all parts of the world, some younger +and prettier faces than my Aunt JANE'S. That settles it. A regretful +letter to my aunt. And to-morrow _en route!_ + + * * * * * + +CHANGE OF SPELLING?--Our dramatic friend known to the public through +_Mr. Punch_ as ENRY HAUTHOR JONES appears to have recently altered the +spelling of his name. He has left the JONES and the HENRY alone, but +in the _Times_ of Friday he appears as "HENRY ARTH_E_R JONES," "U" out +of it; and what was "E" doing there? + + * * * * * + +PRESENTATION TO THE REV. GUINNESS ROGERS.--Last week this worthy +minister was presented by his Congregationalists with an address and a +cheque for a thousand guineas, Mr. GLADSTONE, ex-minister, being among +the subscribers. In future the _bénéficiaire_ will be remembered as +the "Reverend Thousand GUINNESS ROGERS." + + * * * * * + +MUSIC NOTE (_after hearing Mr. J. M. Coward's performance on the +Orchestral Harmonium_).--It would be high praise to say of any +organist that "he attacks his instrument in a Cowardly manner." + + * * * * * + +"VERY APPROPRIATE."--Last Wednesday the Right Hon. A. W. _PEEL_ became +a "_Skinner_." + + * * * * * + +A COMING CHARGE. + +(_Prematurely Communicated by our Prophetic Reporter._) + +Gentlemen of the Jury, for the last couple of years or so you have no +doubt read any number of denunciations of the conduct of the man whose +actions you are now about to investigate. You have heard him abused +right and left. You have seen pictures of him, in which he has been +held up to scorn and public ridicule. You have heard it announced in +all quarters that he is a scoundrel and a thief. And as this has been +the case, Gentlemen of the Jury, it is my duty to tell you that you +must put aside the recollection of these attacks. You must treat the +prisoner before you as if he were immaculate. In fact you must lay +aside all prejudice, and give the man a fair trial; and, Gentlemen, it +is my duty (sanctioned by precedent) to have the pleasure of informing +you that I am sure you will! Yes, Gentlemen of the Jury, having regard +to all the circumstances of the case, I repeat, I am sure you will! + + * * * * * + +At the National Liberal Club, on Wednesday, Lord ROSEBERY told the +company they were not dancing on a volcano. That may be true, but +it is equally true that the Government, in proposing to remit the +sixpenny duty on whisky, are riding for a fall in (or, shall we say, a +drop of) the "crater." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: A WELLINGTON (STREET) MEMORIAL. + +GENERAL OPINION (MR. PUNCH) PRESENTS THE MEDAL OF THE HIGHEST ORDER +OF HISTRIONIC MERIT TO HENRY IRVING IN RECOGNITION OF DISTINGUISHED +SERVICE AS _CORPORAL GREGORY BREWSTER_ IN THE ACTION OF CONAN DOYLE'S +"STORY OF WATERLOO."] + + * * * * * + +ON THE NEW STATUE. + + ["Her Majesty's Government are about to entrust to one of our + first sculptors a great historical statue, which has too + long been wanting to the series of those who have governed + England."--_Lord Rosebery at the Royal Academy Banquet._] + + Our "Uncrowned King" at last to stand + 'Midst the legitimate Lord's Anointed? + How will they shrink, that sacred band, + Dismayed, disgusted, disappointed! + The _parvenu_ Protector thrust + Amidst the true Porphyrogeniti? + How will it stir right royal dust! + The mutton-eating king's amenity + Were hardly proof against this slur. + WILLIAM the thief, RUFUS the bully, + The traitor JOHN, and JAMES the cur,-- + Their royal purple how 'twill sully + To rub against the brewer's buff! + HARRY, old Mother Church's glory + Meet this Conventicler?--Enough! + The Butcher dimmed not England's story + But rather brightened her renown. + In camp and court it must be said, + And if he did not win a crown, + At least he never _lost his head!_ + + * * * * * + +Among Mr. LE GALLIENNE'S new poems there is one entitled _Tree +Worship_. It is _not_ dedicated to the lessee of the Haymarket Theatre +by "an Admirer." + + * * * * * + +A MAY MEETING. + + They met in a cake-shop hard by the Strand, + He in black broadcloth, and she in silk. + She had a glass of "fizz" in her hand, + He had a bun and a cup of milk. + She had a sunshade of burnished crimson, + He had a brolly imperfectly furled, + And a pair of _pince-nez_ with tortoiseshell rims on. + He looked the Church, and she seemed the World. + + They sat on each side of a marble table, + His legs were curled round the legs of his chair. + Around them babbled a miniature Babel; + The sunlight gleamed on her coppery hair. + She held a crumpled Academy Guide, + Scored with crosses in bold blacklead; + A pile of leaflets lay at his side, + And he grasped a Report, which he gravely read. + + His shaven lip was pendulous, long, + Her mouth was a cherry-hued _moue mutine_, + His complacent, uncomely, strong, + Hers soft appetence sharpened with spleen. + Her eyes scale-glitter, his oyster-dim, + His huge mouth hardened, her small lips curled + As he gazed at her and she glanced at him; + He looked the Church, and she seemed the World. + + "A holy spouter from Exeter Hall!" + (So she mused as she sipped her wine.) + "A butterfly in the Belial thrall + Of Vanity Fair, all tinkle and shine!" + So thought he as he crumbled his bun + With clumsy fingers in loose black cloth; + And the impish spirit of genial fun + Hovered about them and mocked them both. + + Mutual ignorance, mutual scorn, + Revealed in glances aflame though fleeting; + Such, in the glow of this glad May morn, + The inhuman spirit of mortal meeting. + The worm must disparage the butterfly, + The butterfly must despise the worm; + And Scorn, the purblind, will ne'er descry + A common bond, or a middle term. + + Modish folly, factitious Art? + True, grave homilist, sadly true! + But _Boanerges_ truculent, tart, + What of the part that is played by you? + You denouncing the "Snare of Beauty," + She affecting to feel its spell,-- + Which falls shortest of human duty? + Shallow censor, can _you_ quite tell? + + Meanwhile the lilac is blithely budding, + And sweetly breatheth the nutty May, + The golden sunshine the earth is flooding, + And you--you echo the old, old bray + Of _Boanerges_. A broader greeting + Of brotherhood full, warm hearts, wide eyes + Might lend a meaning to your "May Meeting" + To gladden the gentle and win the wise. + + * * * * * + +"WHAT'S IN A NAME? A ROSSA, &C."--Before being ejected from the House +of Commons on Wednesday last, O'DONOVAN ROSSA shouted out that "A +stain had been put upon his name." Where is the ingenious craftsman +who did it? He might try his hand next time at gilding refined gold. + + * * * * * + +QUERY.--Can a champagne wine from the vintage of "Ay" be invariably +and fairly described as "Ay 1"? + + * * * * * + +MODES AND METALS. + + ["Neckties made of aluminium have just been invented in + Germany."--_Evening Paper._] + +Visited my tailor's puddling works to-day. He has some really neat new +pig-iron fabrics for the season. I am thinking of trying his Bessemer +steel indestructible evening-dress suits. + +Really this new plan of mineral clothing comes in very usefully when +one is attacked by roughs on a dark night. Floored an assailant most +satisfactorily with a touch of my lead handkerchief. + +The only objection I can find to my aluminium summer suiting is its +tendency to get red hot if I stand in the sun for five minutes. + +I think I can now safely defy my laundress to injure my patent safety +ironclad steel shirts. + +I find, however, that there is no need of a laundress at all. When +one's linen is soiled, sand-paper and a mop will clean it in no time. + +My frock-coat has got a nasty kink in it; must send it to be repaired +at the smelting furnace. + + * * * * * + +ONCE CUT DON'T COME AGAIN!--It was said by _The Figaro_ last week that +Japan would demand "an extra payment of one hundred millions of +taels by China." But surely a hundred million Chinamen would evince +a pig-headed obstinacy in parting with, or being parted from, their +"tails" on any consideration. + + * * * * * + +"A LIGHTSHIP SUNK."--Impossible! couldn't have been a lightship, it +must have been a very heavy ship. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Daughter_ (_enthusiastically_). "OH, MAMMA! I _MUST_ +LEARN BICYCLING! SO DELIGHTFUL TO GO AT SUCH A PACE!" + +_Mamma_ (_severely_). "NO THANK YOU, MY DEAR; YOU ARE _QUITE_ 'FAST' +ENOUGH ALREADY!"] + + * * * * * + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P. + +_House of Commons, Monday, May 6._--Welsh Disestablishment Bill on. +So is The Man from Shropshire. STANLEY LEIGHTON, as GEORGE TREVELYAN +pointed out long ago, is irresistibly like the ruined Chancery +Suitor of _Bleak House_. Always dashing into debate as The Man from +Shropshire broke in on the business of the Court of Chancery. "Mr. +Chairman!" he shouts, and waves his arms, as The Man from Shropshire +cried aloud, "My lord! My lord!" and tried to seize the Lord +Chancellor by wig or neck. After first ebullition, our Man from +Shropshire quietens down. Argues with gravity of tone and manner that +seem to imply he has something to say. Turns out he hasn't; but, on +the Welsh Disestablishment Bill, that no matter. + +[Illustration: The Joys of Office. "Speaker! Hats off, Strangers!"] + +Curious how this Church Bill brings to the front men who, if heard at +all, certainly do not speak in chorus on any other question. After +The Man from Shropshire comes TOMLINSON, who, early in proceedings, +displays irresistible tendency to discuss points of order with +SPEAKER. New SPEAKER has, however, already got hand in, and, before +TOMLINSON, who remembers being on his feet addressing Chair, quite +knows where he is, he finds himself sitting down again, CRANBORNE also +on warpath, his very hair bristling with indignation at this fresh +attack on the Church. Glib GRIFFITH-BOSCAWEN has a field-night; +makes long speech on moving Instruction standing in his own name. His +obvious, unaffected enjoyment of his own oratory should be infectious; +but isn't. + +[Illustration: The Cares of Office. Mr. Cawmel-Bannerman crosses the +Lobby.] + +Colonel LOCKWOOD, that pillar of the Church, was the first called on +in Committee to move amendment. Colonel not in his place. Report +has it the devout man is in library reading THOMAS À KEMPIS, or +DRELINCOURT on Death. Here is opportunity for GLIB-GRIFFITH to +make another speech. Dashes in; starting off with promise of good +half-hour; desire for LOCKWOOD'S appearance irresistible. As ADDISON +says, with hereditary disposition to drop into poetry, and the belief +that he is quoting TENNYSON, + + Better fifty words from LOCKWOOD + Than a thousand from BOSCAWEN. + +Scouts sent out in all directions. The Colonel discovered in sort of +oratory he has contrived in far recess of library. Brought back to +House; found BOSCAWEN bowling along. "This is my show," said the +Colonel as he passed BOSCAWEN on his way to his seat. More fierceness +in his eye than befit the man or the occasion. BOSCAWEN stared over +his head, and went on with his speech. Opportunity too precious to +be lost. If LOCKWOOD meant to move his amendment he should have been +there when called upon. He wasn't: BOSCAWEN found it, so to speak, +by roadside. Now it was his; would make the most of it; pegged along +whilst the Colonel muttered remarks as he glared upon him. Some who +sat by said it was a prayer. Others, catching a word here and there, +said it was a quotation from THOMAS À KEMPIS. Whatever it might have +been, Colonel seemed much moved. Hardly pacified when, at end of +twenty minutes, GLIB-GRIFFITH sat down, and LOCKWOOD, finding himself +in peculiar position of seconding his own amendment, delivered the +speech he had prepared for moving it. + +_Business done._--Got into Committee on Welsh Disestablishment Bill. + +_Tuesday._--Pretty to see PRINCE ARTHUR drop down on GEORGE RUSSELL +just now for speaking disrespectfully of SILOMIO. That eminent +patriot, having in his newly-assumed character of Patron Saint of +Japan, cross-examined EDWARD GREY upon latest Treaty negotiations, +accused ASQUITH of nothing less than stealing a county. "Filching" +was precise word, which has its equivalent in Slang Dictionary in +sneaking. Idea of HOME SECRETARY hovering over the Marches in dead +of night, and, when he thought no one was looking, picking up +Monmouthshire, and putting it in his coat-tail pocket, amused +scanty audience. But SILOMIO really wrath. "Always Anti-English this +Government," he exclaimed, with scornful sweep of red right hand along +line of smiling faces on Treasury Bench. "A stirring burst of British +patriotism," GEORGE RUSSELL characterised it. JOHN BULL _in excelsis_. +The more notable since, on reference to official record, he found the +Knight from Sheffield was born in the United States, and descended +from the Pilgrim Fathers. + +"Which one?" inquired voice from back bench, an inquiry very properly +disregarded. (A new phrase this, SARK notes, for use by retired +tradesmen, setting up to spend rest of useful lives in retirement +at Clapham or Camberwell. To trace their family tree back to +transplantation at period of Conquest, played out. Instead of "Came +over with the Conqueror," newer, more picturesque, equally historical +to say, "Came over with the Pilgrim Fathers.") + +PRINCE ARTHUR not in mood for speculation of this kind. Cut to the +heart by remarks he suspected of slighting intent towards his friend +and colleague. In SILOMIO PRINCE ARTHUR has long learned to recognise +all the graces and all the talents. Apart from personal consideration, +he feels how much the Party owe to him for having raised within its +ranks the standard of culture and conduct. To have him attacked, even +in fun, by an Under Secretary, was more than he could stand. So, +in gravest tone, with no flicker of a smile on his expressive +countenance, he declared that a more unfortunate speech he had +never heard. "If the hon. gentleman intends," he added, "to take a +considerable part in debate, I would earnestly recommend him either +to change the character of his humour, or entirely to repress the +exhibition." + +Beautiful! In its way, all things considered, best thing PRINCE ARTHUR +has done this Session. House grinned; but two big hot tears coursed +down cheek of SILOMIO, making deep furrows in the war paint. + +"That's tit for tat with GEORGIE RUSSELL," said HERBERT GARDNER to +SOLICITOR-GENERAL, with vague recollection of a historic phrase. + +"Quite perfect," said LOCKWOOD. "But what a loss the stage has +sustained by PRINCE ARTHUR taking to politics? Tried both myself and +know something about it." _Business done._--An eight hours day with +Welsh Disestablishment Bill. + +[Illustration: Piling Peeler upon Rossa!] + +_Thursday._--TANNER'S curiosity inconveniently uncontrollable. At +end of sitting given up to Scotland no one thinking about +COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF or TANNER either. Successive divisions had carried +sitting far beyond midnight, that blessed hour at which, in ordinary +circumstances, debate stands adjourned. Quarter of an hour occupied in +dividing on question whether they should divide on amendment. Proposal +affirmed; another quarter of an hour spent in fresh division. Nothing +possible further to be done, Members streamed forth, scrambling for +cabs in Palace Yard. CONYBEARE in charge of a Bill dealing with false +alarms of fire, managed to get it through Committee unopposed. Members +little recked how near they were to real alarm of worse than fire. + +Twenty minutes earlier, when last division taken, over 330 Members +filled House. Now the tide ebbed; only the thirty odd Members in their +places jealously watching SPEAKER running through Orders of the +Day. TANNER bobbing up and down on bench like parched pea. Heard +it somewhere whispered that Duke of CAMBRIDGE, worn out with long +campaign, about to unhelm, unbuckle his sword, hang up his dinted +armour. TANNER feels he can't go to bed leaving unsettled the problem +of truth or phantasy. Not a moment to be lost. SPEAKER risen to put +question "That this House do now adjourn." Then TANNER blurts out the +inquiry, "Is it true?" "Order! order!" says the SPEAKER. Well, if they +didn't like the question in the form he had first put it, he would try +again. + +"I would ask," he said, adopting conditional mood as least likely to +hurt anyone's feelings, "whether a member of the Royal Family who has +really" (most desirous of not putting it too strongly, but really you +know) "been drawing public money too long is going to retire?" + +"Order! order!" roared the few Members present. + +"I would ask that question," repeated TANNER, still in the conditional +mood, but nodding confidentially all round. + +The Blameless BARTLEY happily at post of duty. Broke in with protest. +SPEAKER ruled question out of order. But the good TANNER came back +like a bad sixpence. + +"Is his Royal Highness going to retire?" he insisted, getting redder +than ever in the face. "Order! order!" shouted Members in chorus. Thus +encouraged, TANNER sang out the solo again, "Is his Royal Highness +going to retire?" + +That was his question. The SPEAKER, distinctly differing, affirmed +"The question is that the House do now adjourn;" which it did +straightway, leaving Dr. TANNER to go to a sleepless bed haunted by an +unanswered question. + +"What I should like," said Lieut.-General Sir FREDERICK WELLINGTON +FITZ WYGRAM, who served in the Crimea with H.R.H., has been in command +of the Cavalry Brigade at Aldershot, and in other positions come in +personal contact with the COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF, "What I should like," he +repeated reflectively, stroking his chin, "would be the opportunity, +enjoyed from a safe distance, of hearing the Dook personally reply to +TANNER'S interrogation." + +_Business done._--Wrangle all night round Scotch Committee. + +_Friday._--SQUIRE sat through dull morning sitting listening with air +of pathetic resignation to Members talking round Budget. QUILTER led +off with prodigiously long paper on the Art of Brewing Beer. Seems +they fill up the cup with all kinds of mysterious ingredients. +BROOKFIELD, looking round and observing both JOSEPH and JESSE +absent, whispered in ear of sympathetic Chairman that Birmingham has +reputation in the Trade of making and drinking beer containing minimum +of malt, maximum of sugar, and warranted to do the greatest damage to +the system. SQUIRE, momentarily waking up from mournful mood, observed +that Birmingham is also headquarters of Liberal Unionism. Might +be nothing in coincidence, but there it was. RASCH posed as the +distressed agriculturist. JOKIM tried to walk on both sides of road at +same time, and Government got majority of 24. _Business done._--Budget +Resolutions agreed to. + + * * * * * + +TO YVETTE GUILBERT AT THE EMPIRE. + + YVETTE! your praise resounds on every hand. + And those laugh loudest who least understand. + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's Note: + +Page 229: 'visistor' corrected to 'visitor'. + +(_Knock._) Ah, here comes my visitor. (_Enter stranger._) + +The illustration for 'The Old Crusaders' originally covered 2 pages, +pp. 234 and 235 (centrefold/centerfold), with a blank page on either +side. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. +108, May 18th, 1895, by Various + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44790 *** |