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diff --git a/44802-0.txt b/44802-0.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6bbf738 --- /dev/null +++ b/44802-0.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4224 @@ +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44802 *** + +THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR: + +A NEW AND FACETIOUS INTRODUCTION TO THE ENGLISH TONGUE. + +By Percival Leigh + +Embellished with upwards of forty-five Characteristic Illustrations By +John Leech. + +1845. + + + + +PRELIMINARY DISCOURSE. + +Fashion {003}requires, and like the rest of her sex, requires because +she requires, that before a writer begins the business of his book, he +should give an account to the world of his reasons for producing it; and +therefore, to avoid singularity, we shall proceed with the statement of +our own, excepting only a few private ones, which are neither here nor +there. + +To advance the interests of mankind by promoting the cause of Education; +to ameliorate the conversation of the masses; to cultivate Taste, and +diffuse Refinement; these are the objects we have in view in submitting +a Comic English Grammar to the patronage of a discerning Public. + +Few persons there are, whose ears are so extremely obtuse, as not to +be frequently annoyed at the violations of Grammar by which they are so +often assailed. It is really painful to be forced, in walking along the +streets, to hear such phrases as, "That 'ere omnibus." + +"Where've you bin?" + +"Vot's the odds?" and the like. Very dreadful expressions are also used +by cartmen and others in addressing their horses. What can possibly +induce a human being to say "Gee woot!" + +"'Mather way!" or "Woa not to mention the atrocious "Kim aup!" of the +barbarous butcher's boy. + +It is notorious that the above and greater enormities are perpetrated +in spite of the number of Grammars already before the world. This fact +sufficiently excuses the present addition to the stock; and as serious +English Grammars have hitherto failed to effect the desired reformation, +we are induced to attempt it by means of a Comic one. + +With regard to the moral tendency of our labors, we may be here +permitted to remark, that they will tend, if successful, to the +suppression of _evil speaking _; and as the Spartans used to exhibit +a tipsy slave to their children with a view to disgust them with +drunkenness, so we, by giving a few examples here and there, of +incorrect phraseology, shall expose, in their naked deformity, the vices +of speech to the ingenious reader. + +The {004}comical mind, like the jaundiced eye, views everything +through a colored medium. Such a mind is that of the generality of our +countrymen. We distinguish even the nearest ties of relationship by +facetious names. A father is called "dad," or "poppa;" an uncle, "nunkey +and a wife, a "rib," or more pleasantly still, as in the advertisements +for situations, "an encumbrance." + +We will not allow a man to give an old woman a dose of rhubarb if he +have not acquired at least half a dozen sciences; but we permit a +quack to sell as much poison as he pleases. When one man runs away with +another's wife, and, being on that account challenged to fight a duel, +shoots the aggrieved party through the head, the latter is said to +receive _satisfaction_. + +We never take a glass of wine at dinner without getting somebody else to +do the same, as if we wanted encouragement; and then, before we venture +to drink, we bow to each other across the table, preserving all the +while a most wonderful gravity. This, however, it may be said, is the +natural result of endeavoring to keep one another in countenance. + +The way in which we imitate foreign manners and customs is very amusing. +Savages stick fish-bones through their noses; our fair countrywomen +have hoops of metal poked through their ears. The Caribs flatten +the forehead; the Chinese compress the foot; and we possess similar +contrivances for reducing the figure of a young lady to a resemblance to +an hour-glass or a devil-on-two-sticks. + +There being no other assignable motive for these and the like +proceedings, it is reasonable to suppose that they are adopted, as +schoolboys say, "for fun." + +We could go on, were it necessary, adducing facts to an almost unlimited +extent; but we consider that enough has now been said in proof of the +comic character of the national mind. And in conclusion, if any other +than an English or American author can be produced, equal in point of +wit, humor, and drollery, to Swift, Sterne, Dickens, or Paulding, we +hereby engage to eat him; albeit we have no pretensions to the character +of a "helluo librorum." + +"English {005}Grammar," according to Lindley Murray, "is the art of +speaking and writing the English language with propriety." + +The English language, written and spoken with propriety, is commonly +called the King's English. + +A monarch, who, three or four generations back, occupied the English +throne, is reported to have said, "If beebles will be boets, they must +sdarve." This was a rather curious specimen of "King's English." It +is, however, a maxim of English law, that "the King can do no wrong." +Whatever bad English, therefore, may proceed from the royal mouth, is +not "King's English," but "Minister's English," for which they alone-are +responsible. + +King's English (or perhaps, under existing circumstances it should +be called, _Queen's_ English) is the current coin of conversation, to +mutilate which, and unlawfully to _utter_ the same, is called _clipping_ +the King's English; a high crime and misdemeanor. Clipped English, or +bad English, is one variety of Comic {006}English, of which we shall +adduce instances hereafter. + +Slipslop, or the erroneous substitution of one word for another, as +"prodigy" for "protegee," "derangement" for "arrangement," "exasperate" +for "aspirate," and the like, is another. + +[Illustration: 015] + +Slang, which consists in cant words and phrases, as "dodge" for +"sly trick," "no go" for "failure," and "camey" "to flatter," may be +considered a third. + +Latinised English, or Fine English, sometimes assumes the character +of Comic English, especially when applied to the purposes of +common discourse; as {007}"Extinguish the luminary," "Agitate the +coramunicator," "Are your corporeal functions in a condition of +salubrity?" "A sable visual orb," "A sanguinary nasal protuberance." + +American English is Comic English in a "_pretty particular considerable +tarnation_" degree. + +English Grammar is divided into four parts-Orthography, Etymology, +Syntax, and Prosody; and as these are points that a good grammarian +always stands upon, he, particularly when a pedant, and consequently +somewhat _flat_, may very properly be compared to a table. + + + + +PART I. ORTHOGRAPHY. + + + + +CHAPTER I. OF THE NATURE OF THE LETTERS, AND OF A COMIC ALPHABET. + +Orthography is like a schoolmaster, or instructor of youth. It teaches +us the nature and powers of letters and the right method of spelling +words. + +Comic Orthography teaches us the oddity and absurdities of _letters_, +and the wrong method of spelling words. The following is an example of +Comic Orthography:-- + + islinton foteenth of my {008}Deer jemes febuary 1844. + + wen fust i sawed yu doun the middle and up agin att the bawl + i maid Up my Mind to skure you for my oan for i Felt at once + that my appiness was at Steak, and a sensashun in my Bussum + I coudent no ways accom For. And i said to mary at missis + Igginses said i theres the Mann for my money o ses Shee i + nose a Sweeter Yung Man than that Air Do you sez i Agin then + there we Agree To Differ, and we was sittin by the window + and we wos wery Neer fallin Out. my deer gemes Sins that + Nite i Ha vent slept a Wink and Wot is moor to the Porpus + i'Have quit Lost my Happy tight and am gettin wus and wus + witch i Think yu ort to pitty Mee. i am Tolled every Day + that ime Gettin Thinner and a Jipsy sed that nothin wood + Cure me But a Ring. + + i wos a Long time makin my Mind Up to right to You for of + Coarse i Says jemes will think me too forrad but this bein + Leep yere i thout ide Make a Plunge, leastways to aUThem as + dont Want to Bee old Mades all their blessed lives, so my + Deer Jemes if yow want a Pardoner for Better or for wus nows + Your Time dont think i Behave despicable for tis my Luv for + yu as makes Me take this Stepp. + + please to Burn this Letter when Red and excuse the scralls + and Blotches witch is Caused by my Teers i remain till deth + Yure on Happy Vallentine + + _jane you No who_. + + poscrip nex sunday Is my sunday out And i shall be Att the + corner of Wite Street at a quawter pas Sevn. {009} + + Wen This U. C. remember Mee j. g. + +[Illustration: 018] + +Now, to proceed with Orthography, we may remark, that a letter is the +least part of a word. + +Of a _comic letter_ an instance has already been given. Dr. Johnson's +letter to Lord Chesterfield is a capital letter. + +The letters of the Alphabet are the representatives of articulate +sounds. + +The Alphabet is a Republic of Letters. + +There {010}are many things in this world erroneously as well as vulgarly +compared to "bricks." In the case of the letters of the Alphabet, +however, the comparison is just; they constitute the fabric of a +language, and grammar is the mortar. The wonder is that there should be +so few of them. The English letters are twenty-six in number. There +is nothing like beginning at the beginning; and we shall now therefore +enumerate them, with the view also of rendering their insertion +subsidiary to mythological instruction, in conformity with the plan on +which some account of the Heathen Deities and ancient heroes is prefixed +or subjoined to a Dictionary. We present the reader with a form of +Alphabet composed in humble imitation of that famous one, which, while +appreciable by the dullest taste, and level to the meanest capacity, +is nevertheless that by which the greatest minds have been agreeably +inducted into knowledge. + + +THE ALPHABET. + +A, was Apollo, the god of the carol, + +B, stood for Bacchus, astride on his barrel; + +C, for good Ceres, the goddess of grist, + +D, was Diana, that wouldn't be kiss'd; + +E, was nymph Echo, that pined to a sound, + +F, was sweet Flora, with buttercups crown'd; + +G, was Jove's pot-boy, young Ganymede hight, + +H, was fair Hebe, his barmaid so tight; + +I, little Io, turn'd into a cow, + +J, jealous Juno, that spiteful old sow; + +K, was Kitty, more lovely than goddess or muse; + +L, Lacooon--I wouldn't have been in _his_ shoes! {011} + +M, was blue-eyed Minerva, with stockings to match, + +N, was Nestor, with grey beard and silvery thatch; + +O, was lofty Olympus, King Jupiter's shop, + +P, Parnassus, Apollo hung out on its top; + +Q, stood for Quirites, the Romans, to wit; + +R, for rantipole Roscius, that made such a hit; + +S, for Sappho, so famous for felo-de-se, + +T, for Thales the wise, F. R. S. and M. D: + +U, was crafty Ulysses, so artful a dodger, + +V, was hop-a-kick Vulcan, that limping old codger; + +Wenus-Venus I mean-with a W begins, + +(Veil, if I ham a Cockney, wot need of your grins?) + +X, was Xantippe, the scratch-cat and shrew, + +Y, I don't know what Y was, whack me if I do! + +Z was Zeno the Stoic, Zenobia the clever, + +And Zoilus the critic, whose fame lasts forever. + + +Letters are divided into Vowels and Consonants. + +The vowels are capable of being perfectly uttered by themselves. +They are, as it were, independent members of the Alphabet, and like +independent members elsewhere, form a small minority. The vowels are _a, +e, i, o, u_, and sometimes _w_ and _y_. + +An I. O. U. is a more pleasant thing to have, than it is to give. + +A blow in the stomach is very likely to W up. + +W is a consonant when it begins a word, as "Wicked + +Will Wiggins whacked his wife with a whip but in every other place it +is a vowel, as crawling, drawling, sawney, screwing, Jew. Y follows the +same rule. + +A consonant is an articulate sound; but, like an old bachelor, if it +exists alone, it exists to no purpose. + +[Illustration: 021] + +It {012}cannot be perfectly uttered without the aid of a vowel; and even +then the vowel has the greatest share in the production of the sound. +Thus a vowel joined to a consonant becomes, so to speak, a "better +half:" or at all events very strongly resembles one. + +A dipthong is the union of two vowels in one sound, as ea in heavy, eu +in Meux, ou in stout. + +A tripthong is a similar union of three vowels, as _eau_ in the word +beau; a term applied to dandies, and addressed to geese: probably +because they are birds of a feather. + +A proper dipthong is that in which the sound is formed by both the +vowels: as, aw in awkward, ou in lout. + +An {013}improper dipthong is that in which the sound is formed by one of +the vowels only, as ea in heartless, oa in hoax. + +According to our notions there are a great many improper dipthongs in +common use. By improper dipthongs we mean vowels unwarrantably dilated +into dipthongs, and dipthongs mispronounced, in defiance of good +English. + +For instance, the rustics and dandies say, + +"Loor! whaut a foine gaal! Moy oy!" + +"Whaut a precious soight of crows!" + +"As I was a cornin' whoam through the corn fiddles (fields) I met Willum +Jones." + +"I sor (saw) him." + +"Dror (draw) it out." + +"Hold your jor (jaw)." + +"I caun't. You shaun't. How's your Maw and Paw? Do you like taut +(tart)?" + +We have heard young ladies remark,-- + +"Oh, my! What a naice young man!" + +"What a bee--eautiful day!" + +"Im so fond of dayncing!" + +Again, dandies frequently exclaim,-- + +"I'm postively tiawed (tired)." + +"What a sweet tempaw! (temper)." + +"How daughty (dirty) the streets au!" + +And they also call,-- + +Literature, "literetchah." + +Perfectly, "pawfacly." + +Disgusted, "disgasted." + +Sky, "ske--eye." + +Blue, "ble--ew." + +We might here insert a few remarks on the nature of {014}the human +voice, and of the mechanism by means of which articulation is performed; +but besides our dislike to prolixity, we are afraid of getting _down in +the mouth_, and thereby going the _wrong way_ to please our readers. +We may nevertheless venture to invite attention to a few comical +peculiarities in connection with articulate sounds. + +Ahem! at the commencement of a speech, is a sound agreeably droll. + +The vocal comicalities of the infant in arms are exceedingly laughable, +but we are unfortunately unable to spell them. + +The articulation of the Jew is peculiarly ridiculous. The "peoplesh" are +badly spoken of, and not well spoken. + +Bawling, croaking, hissing, whistling, and grunting, are elegant vocal +accomplishments. + +Lisping, as, thweet, Dthooliur, thawming, kweechau, is by some +considered interesting, by others absurd. + +But of all the sounds which proceed from the human mouth, by far the +funniest are Ha! ha! ha!--Ho! ho! ho! and He! he! he! + +[Illustration: 023] + + + + +CHAPTER II. OF SYLLABLES. + +Syllable {015}is a nice word, it sounds so much like syllabub! + +A syllable, whether it constitute a word or part of a word, is a sound, +either simple or compound, produced by one effort of the voice, as, "O! +what, a lark!--Here, we, are!" + +Spelling is the art of putting together the letters which compose a +syllable, or the syllables which compose a word. + +[Illustration: 024] + +Comic spelling is usually the work of imagination. + +The {016}chief rule to be observed in this kind of spelling, is, to +spell every word as it is pronounced; though the rule is not universally +observed by comic spellers. The following example, for the genuineness +of which we can vouch, is one so singularly apposite, that although we +have already submitted a similar specimen of orthography to the +reader, we are irresistibly tempted to make a second experiment on his +indulgence. The epistolary curiosity, then, which we shall now proceed +to transcribe, was addressed by a patient to his medical adviser. + + "Sir, + + "My Granmother wos very much trubeld With the Gout and dide + with it my father wos also and dide with it when i wos 14 + years of age i wos in the habbet of Gettin whet feet Every + Night by pumping water out of a Celler Wich Cas me to have + the tipes fever wich Cas my Defness when i was 23 of age i + fell in the Water betwen the ice and i have Bin in the + habbet of Gettin wet when traviling i have Bin trubbeld with + Gout for seven years + + "Your most humbel + + "Servent + +Among the various kinds of spelling may be enumerated spelling for a +favor; or giving what is called a broad hint. + +Certain rules for the division of words into syllables are laid down +in some grammars, and we should be very glad to follow the established +usage, but limited as we are by considerations of comicality and space, +we {017}cannot afford to give more than two very general directions. If +you do not know how to spell a word, look it out in the dictionary, and +if you have no dictionary by you, write the word in such a way, that, +while it may be guessed at, it shall not be legible. + + + + +CHAPTER III. OF WORDS IN GENERAL. + +There is no one question that we are aware of more puzzling than this, +"What is your opinion of _things_ in general?" _Words_ in general are, +fortunately for us, a subject on which the formation of an opinion is +somewhat more easy. Words stand for things: they are a sort of counters, +checks, bank-notes, and sometimes, indeed, they are _notes_ for which +people get a great deal of money. Such words, however, are, alas! not +generally English words, but Italian. Strange! that so much should be +given for a mere song. It is quite clear that the givers, whatever may +be their pretensions to a refined or literary taste, must be entirely +unacquainted with _Words_worth. + +Fine words are oily enough, and he who uses them is vulgarly said to +"cut it fat;" but for all that it is well known that they will not +butter parsnips. + +Some say that words are but wind: for this reason, when people are +having words, it is often said, that "the wind's up." + +Different {018}words please different people. Philosophers are fond +of hard words; pedants of tough words, long words, and crackjaw words; +bullies, of rough words; boasters, of big words; the rising generation, +of slang words; fashionable people, of French words; wits, of sharp +words and smart words; and ladies, of nice words, sweet words, soft +words, and soothing words; and, indeed, of words in general. + +Words (when spoken) are articulate sounds used by common consent as +signs of our ideas. + +A word of one syllable is called a Monosyllable: as, you, are, a, great, +oaf. + +A word of two syllables is named a Dissyllable; as, cat-gut, mu-sic. + +A word of three syllables is termed a Trisyllable; as, Mag-net-ism, +Mum-mer-y. + +A word of four or more syllables is entitled a Polysyllable; as, +in-ter-mi-na-ble cir-cum-lo-cu-ti-on, ex-as-pe-ra-ted, func-ti-o-na-ry, +met-ro-po-li-tan, ro-tun-di-ty. + +Words of more syllables than one are sometimes comically contracted into +one syllable; as, in s'pose for suppose, b'lieve for believe, and 'scuse +for excuse: here, perhaps, 'buss, abbreviated from omnibus, deserves to +be mentioned. + +In like manner, many long words are elegantly trimmed and shortened; +as, ornary for ordinary, 'strornary for extraordinary, and curosity for +curiosity; to which mysterus for mysterious may also be added. + +Polysyllables are an essential element in the sublime, both in poetry +and in prose; but especially in that {019}species of the sublime which +borders very closely on the ridiculous; as, + + "Aldiborontiphoscophormio, + Where left's thou Chrononhotonthologos? + +[Illustration: 028] + +All words are either primitive or derivative. A primitive word is that +which cannot be reduced to any simpler word in the language; as, brass, +York, knave. A derivative word, under the head of which compound words +are also included, is that which may be reduced to another and a more +simple word in the English language; as, brazen, Yorkshire, knavery, +mud-lark, lighterman. Broadbrim is a derivative word; but it is one +often applied to a very _primitive_ kind of person. + + + + +PART II. ETYMOLOGY. + + + + +CHAPTER I. A COMICAL VIEW OF THE PARTS OF SPEECH. + +Etymology {020}teaches the varieties, modifications, and derivation of +words. + +The derivation of words means that which they come from _as words_; for +what they come from _as sounds_, is another matter. Some words come from +the heart, and then they are pathetic; others from the nose, in which +case they are ludicrous. The funniest place, however, from which words +can come is the stomach. By the way, the Mayor would do well to keep a +ventriloquist, from whom, at a moment's notice, he might ascertain the +voice of the corporation. + +Comic Etymology teaches us the varieties, modifications, and derivation, +of words invested with a comic character. + +Grammatically speaking, we say that there are, in English, as many sorts +of words as a cat is said to have lives, nine; namely, the Article, the +Substantive or Noun, the Adjective, the Pronoun, the Verb, the Adverb, +the Preposition, the Conjunction, and the Interjection. + +Comically speaking, there are a great many sorts of words which we have +not room enough to particularise j individually. We can therefore only +afford to classify them. For instance; there are words which are spoken +in {021}the _Low Countries_, and are _High Dutch_ to persons of quality. + +Words in use amongst all those who have to do with horses. + +Words that pass between rival cab-men. + +Words spoken in a state of intoxication. + +Words uttered under excitement. + +Words of endearment, addressed by parents to children in arms. + +Similar words, sometimes called burning, tender, soft, and broken words, +addressed to young ladies, and whispered, lisped, sighed, or drawled, +according to circumstances. + +Words of honor; as, tailors' words and shoemakers' words; which, like +the above-mentioned, or lovers' words, are very often broken. + +With many other sorts of words, which will be readily suggested by the +reader's fancy. + +But now let us go on with the parts of speech. + +1. An Article is a word prefixed to substantives to point them out, +and to show the extent of their meaning; as, _a_ dandy, _an_ ape, _the_ +simpleton. + +One kind of comic article is otherwise denominated an oddity, or queer +article. + +Another kind of comic article is often to be met with in some of our +monthly magazines. + +2. A Substantive or Noun is the name of anything that exists, or +of which we have any notion; as, _tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, +apothecary, ploughboy, thief._ + +Now the above definition of a substantive is Lindley Murray's, not ours. +We mention this, because we have an objection, though, not, perhaps, a +serious one, to {022}urge against it; for, in the first place, we have +"no notion" of impudence, and yet impudence is a substantive; and, in +the second, we invite attention to the following piece of Logic, + + A substantive is something, + But nothing is a substantive; + Therefore, nothing is something. + +A substantive may generally be known by its taking an article before it, +and by its making sense of itself; as, a _treat_, the _mulligrubs_, an +_ache_. + +3. An Adjective is a word joined to a substantive to denote its quality; +as a _ragged_ regiment, an _odd_ set. + +You may distinguish an adjective by its making sense with the word +thing: as, a _poor_ thing, a _sweet_ thing, a _cool_ thing; or with any +particular substantive, as a _ticklish_ position, an _awkward_ mistake, +a _strange_ step. + +4. A Pronoun is a word used in lieu of a noun, in order to avoid +tautology: as, "The man wants calves; _he_ is a lath; _he_ is a +walking-stick.'' + +5. A Verb is a word which signifies to be, to do, or to suffer: as, I +am; I calculate; I am fixed. + +A verb may usually be distinguished by its making sense with a personal +pronoun, or with the word to before it: as I yell, he grins, they caper; +or to drink, to smoke, to chew. + +Fashionable accomplishments! + +Certain substantives are, with peculiar elegance, and by persons who +call themselves _genteel_, converted into verbs: as, "Do you _wine?_" +"Will you _liquor?_" + +6. An Adverb is a part of speech which, joined to a verb, an adjective, +or another adverb, serves to express quality or circumstance concerning +it: as, "She swears {023}_dreadfully_; she is _incorrigibly_ lazy; and +she is _almost continually_ in liquor." + +7. An Adverb is generally characterised by answering to the question, +How?'how much? when? or where? as in the verse, "_Merrily_ danced the +Quaker's wife," the answer to the question, How did she dance? is, +merrily. + +8. Prepositions serve to connect words together, and to show the +relation between them: as, "Off _with_ his head, so much _for_ +Buckingham!" + +9. A Conjunction is used to connect not only words, but sentences also: +as, Smith _and_ Jones are happy _be~ cause_ they are single. A miss is +_as_ good _as_ a mile. + +[Illustration: 032] + +10. An {024}Interjection is a short word denoting passion or emotion: +as, '_Oh_, Sophonisba! Sophonisba, _oh!_" Pshaw! Pish! Pooh! Bah! Ah! +Au! Eughph! Yaw! Hum! Ha! Lauk! La! Lor! Heigho! Well! There! &c. + +[Illustration: 033] + +Among the foregoing interjections there may, perhaps, be some unhonored +by the adoption of genius, and unknown in the domains of literature. For +the present notice of them some apology may be required, but little will +be given; their insertion may excite astonishment, but their omission +would have provoked complaint: though unprovided with a Johnsonian title +to a place in the English vocabulary, they have long been recognised by +the popular voice; and let it be remembered, that as custom supplies the +defects of legislation, so that which is not sanctioned by magisterial +authority may nevertheless be justified by vernacular usage. + + + + +CHAPTER II. OF THE ARTICLES. + +The {025}Articles in English are two, _a_ and _the_; _a_ becomes +_an_ before a vowel, and before an _h_ which is not sounded: as, _an_ +exquisite, _an_ hour-glass. But if the _h_ be pronounced, the _a_ only +is used: as, _a_ homicide, _a_ homoepathist, _a_ hum. + +_A_ or _an_ is called the indefinite article, because it is used, in a +vague sense, to point out some one thing belonging to a certain kind, +but in other respects indeterminate; as, + + "A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!" + +So say grammarians. Eating-house keepers tell a different story. A +cheese, in common discourse, means an object of a certain shape, size, +weight, and so on, entire and perfect; so that to call half a cheese a +cheese, would constitute a flaw in an indictment against a thief who had +stolen one. But a waiter will term a fraction, or a modicum of cheese, +a cheese; a plate-full of pudding, a pudding; and a stick of celery, _a +salary_. Here we are reminded of the famous exclamation of one of these +gentry:--"Sir! there's two teas and a brandy-and-water just sloped +without paying!" _The_ is termed the definite article, inasmuch as it +denotes what particular thing or things are meant as, + + "_The_ miller he stole corn, + _The_ weaver he stole yarn, + And the little tailor he stole broad-cloth + To keep the three rogues warm." + +A substantive to which no article is prefixed is taken in {026}a general +sense; as, "Applesauce is proper for goose that is, for all geese. + +[Illustration: 035] + +A few additional remarks may advantageously be made with respect to +the articles. The mere substitution of the definite for the indefinite +article is capable of changing entirely the meaning of a sentence. "That +is _a_ ticket" is the assertion of a certain fact; but "That is _the_ +ticket!" means something which is quite different. + +The article is not prefixed to a proper name; as, Stubbs, Wiggins, Brown +or Hobson, except for the sake of distinguishing a particular family, or +description of persons; as, He is _a_ Burke; that is, one of the Burkes, +or _a_ person resembling Burke. + +The {027}definite article is frequently used with adverbs in the +comparative and superlative degree: as, "_The_ longer I live, _the_ +taller, I grow or, as we have all heard the showman say, "This here, +gentlemen and ladies, {028}is the vonderful heagle of the sun; the +'otterer it grows, the higherer he flies!" + +[Illustration: 037] + + + + +CHAPTER III. + + + + +SECTION I. OF SUBSTANTIVES IN GENERAL. + +Substantives are either proper or common. + +Proper names, or substantives, are the names belonging to individuals: +as William, Birmingham. + +These are sometimes converted into nicknames, of improper names: as +Bill, Brummagem. + +Common names, or substantives, denote kinds containing many sorts, or +sorts containing many individual» under them: as brute, beast, bumpkin, +cherub, infant, goblin, &c. + +Proper names, when an article is prefixed to them, are employed as +common names: as, "They thought him a perfect _Chesterfield_; he quite +astonished the _Browns_." + +Common names, on the other hand, are made to denote individuals, by the +addition of articles or pronouns: as, + +"There was _a_ little man, and he had little gun." + +"_That_ boy will be the death of me!" + +Substantives are considered according to gender, number, and case; they +are all of the third person when spoken _of_, and of the second when +spoken _to_; {029}as, + + Matilda, fairest maid, who art + In countless bumpers toasted, + O let thy pity baste the heart + Thy fatal charms have roasted! + +[Illustration: 038] + + + + +SECTION II. OF GENDER. + +The distinction between nouns with regard to sex is called Gender. There +are three genders: the Masculine, the Feminine, and the Neuter. + +The masculine gender belongs to animals of the male kind: as, a fop, a +jackass, a boar, a poet, a lion. + +The feminine gender is peculiar to animals of the female kind: as, a +poetess, a lioness, a goose. + +The {030}neuter gender is that of objects which are neither males nor +females: as, a toast, a tankard, a pot, a pipe, a pudding, a pie, a +sausage, &c. &c. &c. + +We might go on to enumerate an infinity of objects of the neuter gender, +of all sorts and kinds; but in the selection of the foregoing examples +we have been guided by two considerations:-- + +1. The desire of exciting agreeable emotions in the mind of the reader. + +2. The wish to illustrate the following proposition, "That almost +everything nice is also neuter." + +Except, however, a nice young lady, a nice duck, and one or two other +nice things, which we do not at present remember. + +Some neuter substantives are by a figure of speech converted into the +masculine or feminine gender: thus we say of the sun, that when he +shines upon a Socialist, t he shines upon a thief; and of the moon, that +she affects the minds of lovers. + +[Illustration: 039] + +There {031}are certain nouns with which notions of strength, vigor, and +the like qualities, are more particularly connected; and these are the +neuter substantives which are figuratively rendered masculine. On the +other hand, beauty, amiability, and so forth, are held to invest words +with a feminine character. Thus the sun is said to be masculine, and the +moon feminine. But for our own part, and our view is confirmed by the +discoveries of astronomy, we believe that the sun is called masculine +from his supporting and sustaining the moon, {032}and finding her the +wherewithal to shine away as she does of a night, when all quiet people +are in bed; and from his being obliged to keep such a family of stars +besides. + +[Illustration: 040] + +The moon, we think, is accounted feminine, because she is thus +maintained and kept up in her splendor, like a fine lady, by her husband +the sun. Furthermore, the moon is continually changing; on which +account alone she might be referred to the feminine gender. The earth +is feminine, tricked out, as she is, with gems and flowers. Cities +and towns are likewise feminine, because there are as many windings, +turnings, and little odd corners in them as there are in the female +mind. A ship is feminine, inasmuch as she is blown about by every wind. +Virtue is feminine by courtesy. Fortune and misfortune, like mother +and daughter, are both feminine. The Church is feminine, because she +is married to the state; or married to the state because she is +feminine--we do not know which. Time is masculine, because he is so +trifled with by the ladies. + +The English language distinguishes the sex in three manners; namely, + +1. By different words; as, + + MALE. FEMALE. + + Bachelor Maid. + + Brother Sister. + + Wizard Father And several other + + Witch Mother, &c. + + Words we don't mention, + (Pray pardon the crime,) + Worth your attention, + But wanting in rhyme. + +2. By {033}a difference of termination; as, + + MALE. FEMALÉ. + + Poet Poetess. + + Lion Lioness, &c. + +3. By a noun, pronoun, or adjective being prefixed to the substantive; +as, + male. female. + + A cock-lobster A hen-lobster. + + A jack-ass A jenny-ass (vernacular.) + + A man-servant, A maid-servant, or flunkey. or Abigail. + + A male flirt (A common animal) A female flirt (A rare animal.) + +We have heard it said, that every Jack has his Jill. That may be; but it +is by no means true that every cock has his hen; for there is a + + Cock-swain, but no Hen-swain. + + Cock-eye, but no Hen-eye. + + Cock-ade, but no Hen-ade. + + Cock-atrice, but no Hen-atrice. + + Cock-horse, but no Hen-horse. + + Cock-ney, but no Hen-ney. + +Then we have a weather-cock, but no weather-hen; a tum-cock, but no +turn-hen; and many a jolly cock, but not one jolly hen; unless we except +some of those by whom their mates are pecked. + +Some words; as, parent, child, cousin, friend, neighbour, servant and +several others, are either male or female, according to circumstances. + +It is a great pity that our language is so poor in the terminations that +denote gender. Were we to say of a woman {034}that she is a rogue, a +knave, a scamp, or a vagabond, we feel that we should use, not only +strong but improper expressions. Yet we have no corresponding terms +to apply, in case of necessity, to the female. Why is this? Doubtless +because we never want them. For the same reason, our forefathers +transmitted to us the words, philosopher, astronomer, philologer, and +so forth, without any feminine equivalent. Alas! for the wisdom of our +ancestors! They never calculated on the March of Intellect. + + + + +SECTION III. OF NUMBER. + +Number is the consideration of an object as one or more; as, one poet, +two, three, four, five poets; and so on, ad infinitum. + +The singular number expresses one object only; as a towel, a viper. + +The plural signifies more objects than one; as, towels, vipers. + +Some nouns are used only in the singular number; dirt, pitch, tallow, +grease, filth, butter, asparagus, &c.; others only in the plural; as, +galligaskins, breeches, &c. + +Some words are the same in both numbers; as, sheep, swine, and some +others. + +The plural number of nouns is usually formed by adding _s_ to the +singular; as, dove, doves, love, loves, &c. + + Julia, dove returns to dove, + Quid pro quo, and love for love; + Happy in our mutual loves, + Let us live like turtle doves! + +[Illustration: 044] + +When, {035}however, the substantive singular ends in _x, ch softy sh, +ss, or s_, we add es in the plural. + + But remember, though box + In the plural makes boxes, + That the plural of ox + Should be _oxen_, not oxes. + + + + +SECTION IV. OF CASE. + +There is nearly as much difference between Latin and English +substantives, with respect to the number of cases pertaining to each, as +there is between a quack-doctor {036}and a physician; for while in Latin +sub-stantives have six cases, in English they have but three. But the +analogy should not be strained too far; for the fools in the world (who +furnish the quack with his cases) more than double the number of the +wise. + +[Illustration: 045] + +The cases of substantives are these: the Nominative, the Possessive or +Genitive, and the Objective or Accusative. + +The Nominative Case merely expresses the name of a thing, or the subject +of the verb: as, "The doctors differ;"--"The patient dies!" + +Possession, which is nine points of the law, is what is signified by the +Possessive Case. This case is distinguished by an apostrophe, with the +letter _s_ subjoined to it: as, My soul's idol!"--"A pudding's end." + +But {037}when the plural ends in _s_, the apostrophe only is retained, +and the other _s_ is omitted: as, "The Ministers' Step;"--"The Rogues' +March;"--"Crocodiles' tears--"Butchers' mourning." + +When the singular terminates in _ss_, the letter _s_ is sometimes, +in like manner, dispensed with: as, "For goodness' sake!"--"For +righteousness' sake!" Nevertheless, we have no objection to "Burgess's" +Stout. + +The Objective Case follows a verb active, and expresses the object of +an action, or of a relation: as "Spring beat Bill;" that is, Bill or +"William Neate." Hence, perhaps, the phrase, "I'll lick you _elegant_." +The Objective Case is also used with a preposition: as, "You are in a +mess." + +English substantives may be declined in the following manner: + + +SINGULAR. + + What is the nominative case + Of her who used to wash your face, + Your hair to comb, your boots to lace? + _A mother!_ + + What the possessive? + Whose the slap + That taught you not to spill your pap, + Or to avoid a like mishap! + _A mother's!_ + + And shall I the objective show? + What do I hear where'er I go? + How is your?--whom they mean I know, + _My mother!_ + + +PLURAL.{038} + + Who are the anxious watchers o'er + The slumbers of a little bore, + That screams whene'er it doesn't snore? + _Why, mothers!_ Whose pity wipes its piping eyes, + And stills maturer childhood's cries, + Stopping its mouth with cakes and pies? + _Oh! mother's!_ + + + And whom, when master, fierce and fell, + Dusts truant varlets' jackets well, + Whom do they, roaring, run and tell? + _Their mothers!_ + + + + +CHAPTER IV. OF ADJECTIVES. + + + + +SECTION I. OF THE NATURE OF ADJECTIVES AND THE DEGREES OF COMPARISON. + +An English Adjective, whatever may be its gender, number, or case, like +a rusty weathercock, never varies. Thus we say, "A certain cabinet; +certain rogues." But as a rusty weathercock may vary in being more or +less rusty, so an adjective varies in the degrees of comparison. + +The degrees of comparison, like the Genders, the Graces, the Fates, the +Kings of Cologne, the Weird Sisters, and many other things, are three; +the Positive, the Comparative, and the Superlative. + +The Positive state simply expresses the quality of an object; as, fat, +ugly, foolish. + +The Comparative degree increases or lessens the signification {039}of +the positive; as fatter, uglier, more foolish, less foolish. + +The Superlative decree increases or lessens the positive to the highest +or lowest degree; as fattest, ugliest, most foolish, least foolish. + +Amongst the ancients, Ulysses must have been the _fattest_, because +nobody could _compass_ him. + +Aristides the Just was the ugliest, because he was so very _plain_. + +The most _foolish_, undoubtedly, was Homer; for who was more _natural_ +than he? + +The positive becomes the comparative by the addition of _r_ or _er_; and +the superlative by the addition of _st_ or _est_ to the end of it; as, +brown, browner, brownest; stout, stouter, stoutest; heavy, heavier, +heaviest; wet, wetter, wettest. The adverbs more and most, prefixed to +the adjective, also form the superlative degree; as, heavy, more heavy, +most heavy. + +Monosyllables are usually compared by er and est, and dissyllables by +more and most; except dissyllables ending in y or in le before a mute, +or those which are accented on the last syllable; for these, like +monosyllables, easily admit of er and est. But these terminations are +scarcely ever used in comparing words of more than two syllables. + +We have some words, which, from custom, are irregular in respect of +comparison; as, good, better, best; bad, worse, worst, &c.; but the +Yankee's "notion" of comparison was decidedly funny; "My uncle's a +tarnation rogue; but I'm a tarnationer." + + + + +SECTION II. A FEW REMARKS ON THE SUBJECT OF COMPARISON. + +Lindley {040}Murray judiciously observes, that "if we consider the +subject of comparison attentively, we shall perceive that the degrees of +it are infinite in number, or at least indefinite:" and he proceeds to +say, "A mountain is larger than a mite; by how many degrees? How much +bigger is the earth than a grain of sand? By how many degrees was +Socrates wiser than Alci-biades? or by how many is snow whiter than +this paper? It is plain," quoth Lindley, "that to these and the like +questions no definite answers can be returned." + +No; but an impertinent one may. Ask the first news-boy you meet, any one +of these questions, and see if he does not immediately respond, 'Ax my +eye or, "As much again as half." + +But when quantity can be exactly measured, the degrees of excess may be +exactly ascertained. A foot is just twelve times as long as an inch; a +tailor is nine times less than a man. + +Moreover, to compensate for the indefiniteness of the degrees of +comparison, we use certain adverbs and words of like import, whereby +we render our meaning tolerably intelligible; as, "Byron was a _much +greater_ poet than Muggins." + +"Honey is _a great deal_ sweeter than wax." + +"Sugar is _considerably_ more pleasant than the cane." + +"Maria says, that Dick the butcher is _by far_ the most killing young +man she knows." + +The words very, exceedingly, and the like, placed before the positive, +give it the force of the superlative; and {041}this is called by some +the superlative of eminence, as distinguished from the superlative of +comparison. Thus, Very Reverend is termed the superlative of eminence, +although it is the title of a dean, not of a cardinal; and Most +Reverend, the appellation of an Archbishop, is called the superlative of +comparison. + +A _Bishop_, in our opinion, is _Most Excellent_. + +The comparative is sometimes so employed as to express the same +pre-eminence or inferiority as the superlative. For instance; the +sentence, "Of all the cultivators of science, the botanist is the most +crafty," has the same meaning as the following: "The botanist is more +crafty than any other cultivator of science." Why? some of our readers +will ask-- + +Because he is acquainted with all sorts of _plants._ + + + + +CHAPTER V. OF PRONOUNS. + +Pronouns or proxy-nouns are of three kinds; namely, the Personal, the +Relative, and the Adjective Pronouns. + +_Note_.--That when we said, some few pages back, that a pronoun was +a word used instead of a noun, we did not mean to call such words as +thingumibob, what-siname, what-d'ye-call-it, and the like, pronouns. + +And that, although we shall proceed to treat of the pronouns in the +English language, we shall have nothing to do, at present, with what +some people please to call pronoun-_ciation_. + + + + +SECTION I. OF THE PERSONAL PRONOUNS. + +"Mr. {042}Addams, don't be personal, Sir!" + +"I'm not, Sir." + +"You am, Sir!" + +"What did I say, Sir?--tell me that." + +"You reflected on my perfession, Sir; you said, as there was some people +as always stuck up for the cloth; and you insinnivated that certain +parties dined off goose by means of cabbaging fiom their customers. I +ask any gentleman in the room, if that an't personal. + +[Illustration: 051] {043} + +"Veil, Sir, vot I says I'll stick to." + +"Yes, Sir, like vax, as the saying is." + +"Wot d'ye mean by that, Sir?" + +"Wot I say, Sir!" + +"You 're a individual, Sir!" + +"You 're another, Sir!" + +"You 're no gentleman, Sir!" + +"You 're a humbug, Sir!" + +"You 're a knave, Sir!" + +"You 're a rogue, Sir!" + +"You 're a wagabond, Sir!" + +"You 're a willain, Sir!" + +"You 're a tailor, Sir!" + +"You 're a cobler, Sir!" (Order! order! chair! chair! &c. + +The above is what is called personal language. How many different things +one word serves to express in English! A pronoun may be as personal as +possible, and yet nobody will take offence at it. + +There are five Personal Pronouns; namely, I, thou, he, she, it; with +their plurals, we, ye or you, they. + +Personal Pronouns admit of person, number, gender, and case. + +Pronouns have three persons in each number. + +In the Singular; + +I, is the first person. + +Thou, is the second person. + +He, she, or it, is the third person. + +In the plural; + +We, is the first person. + +Ye or you, is the second person. + +They, is the third person. + +This {044}account of persons will be very intelligible when the +following Pastoral Fragment is reflected on: + +HE. + + I love thee, Susan, on my life: + Thou art the maiden for a wife. + He who lives single is an ass; + She who ne'èr weds a luckless lass. + It's tiresome work to live alone; + So come with me, and be my own. + +SHE. + + We maids are oft by men deceived; + Ye don't deserve to be believed; + You don't--but there's my hand--heigho! + They tell us, women can't say no! + +The speaker or speakers are of the first person; those spoken to, of the +second; and those spoken of, of the third. + +Of the three persons, the first is the most universally admired. + +The second is the object of much adulation and flattery, and now and +then of a little abuse. + +The third person is generally made small account of; and, amongst other +grievances, suffers a great deal from being frequently bitten about the +back. + +The Numbers of pronouns, like those of substantives, are, as we have +already seen, two; the singular and the plural. + +In addressing yourself to anybody, it is customary to use the second +person plural instead of the singular. This practice most probably arose +from a notion, that to be thought twice the man that the speaker was, +gratified the vanity of the person addressed. Thus, the {045}French put +a double Monsieur on the backs of their letters. + +Editors say "We," instead of "I," out of modesty. + +The Quakers continue to say "thee" and "thou," in the use of which +pronouns, as well as in the wearing of broad-brimmed hats and of +stand-up collars, they perceive a peculiar sanctity. + +Gender has to do only with the third person singular of the pronouns, +he, she, it. He is masculine; she is feminine; it is neuter. + +Pronouns have the like cases with substantives; the nominative, the +possessive, and the objective. + +Would that they were the hardest cases to be met with in this country! + +The personal pronouns are thus declined:-- + +===> See page image. + + CASE. FIRST PERSON SINGULAR. FIRST PERSON PLURAL. + + Nom. I We. + Poss. Mine Ours. + Obj. Me Us. + + + CASE. SECOND PERSON. SECOND PERSON. + + Nom. Thou Ye or you. + Poss. Thine Yours. + Obj. Thee You. + +Now the third person singular, as we before observed, has genders; and we +shall therefore decline it in a different way. Variety is charming. + +THIRD PERSON SINGULAR. + + CASE. MASC. FEM. NEUT. + Nom. He She It. + Poss. His Hers Its. + Obj. Him Her It. + + + CASE. PLURAL. + + Nom. They. + + Poss. Theirs. + + Obj. Them. + + +We {046}beg to inform thee, that the third person plural has no +distinction of gender. + + + + +SECTION II. OF THE RELATIVE PRONOUNS. + +The Pronouns called Relative are such as relate, for the most part, +to some word or phrase, called the antecedent, on account of its going +before: they are, _who_, _which_, and _that_: as, "The man who does not +drink enough when he can get it, is a fool: but he that drinks too much +is a beast." + +_What_ is usually equivalent to _that which_, and is, therefore, a kind +of compound relative, containing both the antecedent and the relative; +as, "You want what you'll very soon have!" that is to say, the thing +which you will very soon have. + +_Who_ is applied to persons, _which_ to animals and things without life; +as, "He is a gentleman who keeps a horse and lives respectably." To the +dog which pinned the old woman, they cried, '_Cosar!_'" + +That, as a relative, is used to prevent the too frequent repetition of +_who and which_, and is applied both to persons and things; as, He that +stops the bottle is a Cork man." + +"This is the _house that_ Jack built." + +Who is of both numbers; and so is an Editor; for, according to what we +observed just now, he is both singular and plural. Who, we repeat, is of +both numbers, and is thus declined:-- + +====> See Page Image + + +SINGULAR AND PLURAL. + +To despair shall I doom? Which, {047}that and what are indeclinable; +except that whose is sometimes used as the possessive case of which; + +"The roe, poor dear, laments amain, + +Whose sweet hart was by hunter slain." + +Who, which, and what, when they are used in asking questions, are called +Interrogatives; as, "Who is Mr. Walker?". "Which is the left side of a +round plum-pudding?" + +"What is the damage?" + +Those who, have made popular phraseology their study, will have +found that which is sometimes used for whereas, and words of like +signification; as in Dean Swift's "Mary the Cookmaid's Letter to Dr. +Sheridan:" + + "And now I know whereby you would fain make an excuse, + Because my master one day in anger call'd you a goose; + _Which_, and I am sure I have been his servant since October, + And he never called me worse than sweetheart, drunk or sober." + +What, or, to speak more improperly, wot, is generally substituted by +cabmen and hack-drivers for who; as, "The donkey wot wouldn't go." + +"The girl wot sweeps the crossing." + +That, likewise, is very frequently rejected by the vulgar, {048}who use +as in its place; as, "Them as asks shan't have any; and them as don't +ask don't want any." + + + + +SECTION III. OF THE ADJECTIVE PRONOUNS. + +Adjective pronouns partake of the nature of both pronouns and +adjectives. They may be subdivided into four sorts: the possessive, the +distributive, the demonstrative, and the indefinite. + +The possessive pronouns are those which imply possession or property. Of +these there are seven; namely, my, thy, his, her, our, your, their. + +The word self is added to possessives; as, myself, yourself, "Says I +to myself, says I." Self is also sometimes {049}used with personal +pronouns; as, himself, itself, themselves. His self is a common, but not +a proper expression. + +[Illustration: 057] + +The distributive are three; each, every, either; they denote the +individual persons or things' separately, which, when taken together, +make up a number. Each is used when two or more persons or things are +mentioned singly; as, "each of the Catos;" "each or the Browns." + +Every relates to one out of several; as, + +"Every mare is a horse, but every horse is not a mare." + +Either refers to one out of two; as, + + "When I between two jockeys ride, + I have a knave on either side." + +Neither signifies "not either;" as, "Neither of the Bacons was related +to Hogg." + +The demonstrative pronouns precisely point out the subjects to which +they relate; such are this and that, with their plurals these and those; +as, "This is a Hoosier lad; that is a Yankee school-master." + +This refers to the nearest person or thing, and to the latter or +last mentioned; that to the most distant, and to the former or first +mentioned; as, "This is a man; that is a nondescript." + +"At the period of the Reformation in Scotland, a curious contrast +between the ancient and modern ecclesiastical systems was observed; for +while that had been always maintained by a Bull, this was now supported +by a Knox" + +The indefinite are those which express their subjects in an indefinite +or general manner; as, some, other, any, one, all, such, &c. + +When the definite article the comes before the word other, {050}those +who do not know better, are accustomed to strike out the he in the, and +to say, t'other. + +The same persons also use other in the comparative degree; for +sometimes, instead of saying quite the reverse, or perhaps reverse, they +avail themselves of the expression more t'other. + +So much for the pronouns. + + + + +CHAPTER VI. OF VERBS. + + + + +SECTION I. OF THE NATURE OF VERBS IN GENERAL. + +The nature of Verbs in general, and that in all languages, is, that they +are the most difficult things in the Grammar. + +Verbs are divided into Active, Passive, and Neuter; and also into +Regular, Irregular, and Defective. To these divisions we beg to add +another; Verbs Comic. + +A Verb Active implies an agent, and an object acted upon; as, to love; +"I love Wilhelmina Stubbs." Here, I am the agent; that is, the lover; +and Wilhelmina Stubbs is the object acted upon, or the beloved object. + +A Verb Passive expresses the suffering, feeling, or undergoing of +something; and therefore implies an object acted upon, and an agent by +which it is acted upon; as, to be loved; "Wilhelmina Stubbs is loved by +me." + +A {051}Verb Neuter expresses neither action nor passion, but a state of +being; as, I bounce, I lie. + +"Gracious, Major!" + +[Illustration: 060] + + +Of Verbs Regular, Irregular, and Defective, we shall have somewhat to +say hereafter. + +Verbs Comic are, for the most part, verbs which cannot be found in +the dictionary, and are used to express ordinary actions in a jocular +manner; as, to "bolt," to "mizzle," which signify to go or to depart; to +"bone," to "prig," that is to say, to steal; to "collar," which means to +seize, an expression probably derived {052}from the mode of prehension, +or rather apprehension characteristic of the New Police, as it is one +very much in the mouths of those who most frequently come in contact +with that body: to "liquor,"'or drink; to "grub," or eat; to "sell," or +deceive, &c. + +Under the head of Verbs Comic, the Yankeeisms, I "calculate," I +"reckon," I "realise," I "guess," and the like, may also be properly +enumerated. + +Auxiliary, or helping Verbs (by the way we marvel that the New +Englanders do not call their servants auxiliaries instead of helps) +are those, by the help of which we are chiefly enabled to conjugate our +verbs in English. They are, do, be, have, shall, will, may, can, with +their variations; and let and must, which have no variation. + +Let, however, when it is _anything but a helping_ verb, as, for +instance, when it signifies to _hinder_, makes let-test and letteth. +The phrase, "This House to Let," generally used instead of "to be let," +meaning in fact, the reverse of what is intended to convey, is really a +piece of comic English. + +To verbs belong Number, Person, Mood, and Tense. These may be called +the properties of a verb; and like those of opium, they are soporiferous +properties. There are two very important objects which the writer of +every book has, or ought to have in view, to get a reader who is wide +awake, and to keep him so:--the latter of which, when Number, Person, +Mood, and Tense are to be treated of, is no such easy matter; seeing +that the said writer is then in some danger of going to sleep himself. +Never mind. If we nod, let the reader wink. What can't be cured must be +endured. + + + + +SECTION II. OF NUMBER AND PERSON. + +Verbs {053}have two numbers, the Singular and the Plural: as, "I fiddle, +we fiddle," &c. + +In each number there are three persons; as, + + SINGULAR. PLURAL. + + First Person I love We love. + + Second Person Thou lovest Ye or you love. + + Third Person He loves They love. + +What a deal there is in every Grammar about love! Here the following +Lines, by a Young Lady, (now no more,) addressed to Lindley Murray, +deserves to be recorded:-- + + "Oh, Murray! fatal name to me, + Thy burning page with tears is wet; + Since first 'to love' I learned of thee, + Teach me, ah! teach me to forget!'" + + + + +SECTION III. OF MOODS AND PARTICIPLES. + +Mood or Mode is a particular form of the verb, or a certain variation +which it undergoes, showing the manner in which the being, action, or +passion, is represented. + +The moods of verbs are five, the Indicative, the Imperative, the +Potential, the Subjunctive, and the Infinitive. + +The Indicative Mood simply points out or declares a thing: as, "He +teaches, he is taught or it asks a question: as, "Does he teach? Is he +taught?" + +Q. Why {054}is old age the best teacher? + +A. Because he gives you the most wrinkles. + +Q. Why does a rope support a rope-dancer? + +A. Because it is taught. + +The Imperative Mood commands, exhorts, entreats, or permits: as, "Vanish +thou; trot ye; let us hop; be off!" + +The Potential Mood implies possibility or liberty, power, will, or +obligation: as, "A waiter may be honest. Yuu may stand upon truth or +lie. I can filch. He would cozen. They should learn." + +The Subjunctive Mood is used to represent a thing as done conditionally; +and is preceded by a conjunction, expressed or understood, and +accompanied by another verb: as, "_If_ the skies should fall, larks +would be caught," + +"Were I to punch your head, I should serve you right:" that is, "_if_ I +were to punch your head." + + +The Infinitive Mood expresses a thing generally, without limitation, and +without any distinction of number or person: as, "to quarrel, to fight, +to be licked." + +The Participle is a peculiar form of the verb, and is so called, because +it participates in the properties both of a verb and of an adjective: +as, "May I have the pleasure of _dancing_ with you?" + +"_Mounted_ on a tub he addressed the bystanders." + +"_Having_ uplifted a stave, they departed." + +The Participles are three; the Present or Active, the Perfect or +Passive, and the Compound Perfect: as, "I felt nervous at the thought +of _popping_ the question, but that once _popped_, I was not sorry for +_having popped_ it." + +The {055}worst of _popping_ the question is, that the _report_ is always +sure to get abroad. + + + + +SECTION IV. OF THE TENSES. + +Tense is the distinction of time, and consists of six divisions, namely, +the Present, the Imperfect, the Perfect, the Pluperfect, and the First +and Second Future Tenses. + +Time is also distinguished by a fore-lock, scythe, and hour-glass; but +the youthful reader must bear in mind, that these things are not to be +confounded with tenses. + +[Illustration: 064] + +The {056}Present Tense, as its name implies, represents an action or +event occurring at the present time: as "I lament; rogues prosper; the +mob rules." + +The Imperfect Tense represents a past action or event, but which, like a +mutton chop, may be either thoroughly done, or not thoroughly done; were +it _meet_, we should say, _under-done_: as, + +"When I was a little boy some fifteen years ago, + +My mammy doted on me--Lork! she made me quite a show." + +"When our reporter left, the Honorable Gentleman was still on his legs." + +The legs of most "Honorable Gentlemen" must be tolerably stout ones; +for the "majority" do not stand on trifles. However, we are not going +to commit ourselves, like some folks, nor to get committed, like other +folks; so we will leave "Honorable Gentlemen" to manage matters their +own way. + +The Perfect Tense declares a thing to have been done at some time, +though an indefinite one, antecedent to the present time. That, however, +which the Perfect Tense represents as done, is completely, or, as we +say of a green one, when he is humbugged by the thimble-rig people, +regularly done; as, "I have been out on the river." + +"I have caught a crab." Catching a crab is a thing regularly (in another +sense than completely) done, when civic swains pull young ladies up +to Richmond. We beg to inform persons unacquainted with aquatic +phraseology, that "pulling up" young ladies, or others, is a very +different thing from "pulling up" an omnibus conductor or a cabman. +What an equivocal language is ours! How much less agreeable {057}to be +"pulled up" at the Police office than to be "pulled up" in a row-boat! +how wide the discrepancy between "pulling up" radishes and "pulling up" +horses! + +The Pluperfect Tense represents a thing as doubly past; that is, as past +previously to some other point of time also past; as, "I fell in love +before I _had arrived_ at years of discretion." + +[Illustration: 066] + +The First Future Tense represents the action as yet to come, either at +a certain or an uncertain time; as, "The tailor _will send_ my coat home +to-morrow; and when I find it perfectly convenient, I _shall pay_ him." +The Second Future intimates that the action will be completed {058}at +or before the time of another future action or event; as, "I wonder how +many conquests I _shall have made_ by to-morrow morning." + +N. B. One ball is often the means of killing a great many people. + +The consideration of the tenses suggests various moral reflections to +the thinking mind. A couple of examples will perhaps suffice;-- + +1. _Present_, though moderate fruition, is preferable to splendid, but +contingent futurity; i. e. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. + +2. _Imperfect_ nutrition is less to be deprecated than privation of +aliment;--a new way of putting an old proverb, which we need not again +insert, respecting half a loaf. + + + + +SECTION V. THE CONJUGATION OF THE AUXILIARY VERBS TO HAVE AND TO BE. + +We have observed that boys, in conjugating verbs, give no indications of +delight, except that which an ingenious disposition always feels in +the acquisition of knowledge. Now, having arrived at that part of the +Grammar in which it becomes necessary that these same verbs should be +considered, we feel ourselves in an awkward dilemma. The omission of the +conjugations is a _serious_ omission--which, of course, is objectionable +in a _comic_ work--and the insertion of them would be equally serious, +and therefore quite as improper. What _shall_ we do? We will adopt a +middle course; referring the reader to Murray and other talented authors +for full information on these matters; and requesting him to be content +with our confining ourselves {059}to what is more especially suitable to +these pages--a glance at the _Comicalities_ of verbs. + + If being a youngster I had not been smitten, + Of having been jilted I should not complain, + Take warning from me all ye lads who are bitten, + When this part of Grammar occurs to your brain. + +As there is a certain _intensity_ of feeling abroad, which renders +people indisposed to trouble themselves with verbal matters, we shall +take the liberty of making very short work of the Regular Verbs. Even +Murray can only afford to conjugate one example,--To Love. The learner +must amplify this part of the Grammar for himself: and we recommend him +to substitute for "to love," some word less harrowing to a sensitive +mind: as, "to fleece, to tax," verbs which excite disagreeable emotions +only in a sordid one; and which also, by association of ideas, conduct +us to useful reflections on Political Economy. We advise all whom it +may concern, however, to pay the greatest attention to this part of the +Grammar, and before they come to the Verbs Regular, to make a particular +study of the Auxiliary Verbs: not only for the excellent reasons set +forth, in "Tristram Shandy," but also to avoid those awkward mistakes +in which the Comicalities of the Verbs, or Verbal Comicalities, chiefly +consist. + +"Did it rain to-morrow?" asked Monsieur Grenouille. + +"Yes it was!" replied Monsieur Crapaud. + +We propose the following as an _auxiliary mode_ of conjugating +verbs:--"I love to roam on the crested foam, Thou lovest to roam on the +crested foam, He loves to roam on the crested foam, We love to roam on +the {060}crested foam, Ye or you love to roam on the crested foam, They +love to roam on the crested foam," &c. + +The Auxiliary Verbs, too, are very useful when a peculiar emphasis is +required: as, "I shall give you a drubbing!" + +"Will you?" + +"I know a trick worth two of that." + +"Do you, though?" + +"It might" as the Quaker said to the Yankee, who wanted to know what his +name might be; "it might be Beelzebub, but it is not." + +[Illustration: 069] + +Now we may as well say what we have to say about the conjugation of +regular verbs active. + + + + +SECTION VI. THE CONJUGATION OF REGULAR VERBS ACTIVE. + +Regular Verbs Active are known by their forming their imperfect tense of +the indicative mood, and their perfect participle, by adding to the verb +ed, or d only when the verb ends in e: as, + + PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. PARTICPL. + + I reckon I reckoned. Reckoned. + + I realise. I realised. Realised. + +Here {061}should follow the conjugation of the regular active verb, +To Love; but we have already assigned a good reason for omitting it; +besides which we have to say, that we think it a verb highly unfit for +conjugation by youth, as it tends to put ideas into their heads which +they would otherwise never have thought of; and it is moreover our +opinion, that several of our most gifted poets may, with reason, have +attributed the so unfortunate attachments which, though formed in early +youth, served to embitter their whole lives, to the poison which they +thus sucked in with the milk, so to speak, of their Mother Tongue, the +Grammar. + +[Illustration: 070] + +We shall therefore dismiss Cupid, and he must look for other lodgings. + + +PASSIVE. + +Verbs {062}Passive are said to be regular, when their perfect participle +is formed by the addition of d, or ed to the verb: as, from the verb "To +bless," is formed the passive, "I am blessed, I was blessed, I shall be +blessed," &c. + +The conjugation of a passive verb is nothing more than the repetition of +that of the auxiliary To Be, the perfect participle being added. + +And now, having cut the regular verbs (as Alexander did the Gordian +knot) instead of conjugating them, let us proceed to consider the + + + + +SECTION VII. IRREGULAR VERBS + +Irregular Verbs are those of which the imperfect tense and the perfect +participle are _not_ formed by adding _d or ed_ to the verb: as, + + + PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERFECT PART + + I blow. I blew. blown. + +To say I am blown, is, under certain circumstances, such as windy and +tempestuous weather, proper enough; but I am blowed, it will at once be +perceived, is not only an ungrammatical, but also a vulgar expression. + +Great liberties are taken with the Irregular Verbs, insomuch that in the +mouths of some persons, divers of them become doubly irregular in +the formation of their participles. Among such Irregular Verbs we may +enumerate the following:-- + +PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. OR PASS. PART. + +Am wur bin. + +Burst bust busted. {063} + +PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. OR PASS. PART. + +==> See Page Scan + + + + +SECTION VIII. OF DEFECTIVE VERBS. + +Most men have five senses, + +Most verbs have six tenses; + +But as there are some folks Who are blind, deaf, or dumb folks, + +Just so there are some verbs Defective, or rum verbs, which are used +only in some of their moods and tenses. + +===> See Page Scan + + + + +CHAPTER VII. OF ADVERBS. + +Having {064}as great a dislike as the youngest of our readers can have +to repetitions, we shall not say what an adverb is over again. It is, +nevertheless, right to observe, that some adverbs are compared: as, far, +farther, farthest; near, nearer, nearest. In comparing those which end +in ly, we use more and most: as, slowly, more slowly, most slowly. + +There are a great many adverbs in the English Language: their number is +probably even greater than that of abusive epithets. They are divisible +into certain classes; the chief of which are Number, Order, Place, +Time, Quantity, Manner or Quality, Doubt, Affirmation, Negation, +Interrogation, and Comparison. + +A nice little list, truly! and perhaps some of our readers may suppose +that we are going to exemplify it at length: if so, all we can say with +regard to their expectation is, that we wish they may get it gratified. +In the meantime, we will not turn our Grammar into a dictionary, to +please anybody. However, we have no objection to a brief illustration +of the uses and properties of adverbs, as contained in the following +passage:-- + +"Formerly, when first I began to preach and to teach, whithersoever +I went, the little boys followed me, and now and then pelted me with +brick-bats, as heretofore they pelted Ebenezer Grimes. And whensoever I +opened my mouth, straightways the ungodly began to crow. Oftentimes +was I hit in the mouth with an orange: yea, and once, moreover, with +a rotten egg: whereat {065}there was much laughter, which, +notwithstanding, I took in good part, and wiped my face and looked +pleasantly. For peradventure I said, they will listen to my sermon; yea, +and after that we may have a collection. So I was nowise discomfited; +wherefore I advise thee, Brother Habakkuk, to take no heed of thy +persecutors, seeing that I, whereas I was once little better off than +thyself, have now a chapel of mine own. And herein let thy mind be +comforted, that, preach as much as thou wilt against the Bishop, +thou wilt not, therefore, in these days, be in danger of the pillory. +Howbeit," &c. + +Vide Life of the late pious and Rev. Samuel Simcox (letter to Habakkuk +Brown.) + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. OF PREPOSITIONS. + +Prepositions are, for the most part, put before nouns and pronouns: as, +"out of the frying-pan into the fire." + +The preposition of is sometimes used as a part of speech of peculiar +signification, and one to which no name has as yet been applied: as, +"What you been doing of?" + +At and up are not rarely used as verbs, but we should scarcely have been +justified in so classing them by the authority of any polite writer; +such use of them being confined to the vulgar: as, "Now then, Bill, at +him again." + +"So she upped with her fists, and fetched him a whop." + +After is improperly pronounced arter, and against, agin: {066}as, +"Hallo! Jim, vot are you arter? don't you know that ere's agin the Law?" + + + + +CHAPTER IX. OF CONJUNCTIONS.. + +A Conjunction means literally, a union or meeting together. + +[Illustration: 075] + +An ill-assorted marriage is A COMICAL CONJUNCTION. + +But {067}our conjunctions are used to connect words and sentences, and +have nothing to do with the joining of hands. They are chiefly of two +sorts, the Copulative and Disjunctive. + +The Copulative Conjunction is employed for the connection or +continuation of a sentence: as, "Jack and Gill went up the Hill," + +"I will sing a song if Gubbins will." + +"A thirsty man is like a Giant because he is a Grog for drink." + +The Conjunction Disjunctive is used not only for purposes of connection, +but also to express opposition of meaning in different degrees: as, "We +pay less for our letters, but shall have to pay more for our coats: they +have lightened our postage, but they will increase our taxes. + +Conjunctions are the hooks and eyes of Language, in which, as well as in +dress, it is very possible to make an awkward use of them: as, "For if +the year consist of 365 days 6 hours, and January have 31 days, then the +relation between the corpuscular theory of light and the new views of +Mr. Owen is at once subverted: for 'When Ignorance is bliss, 'tis +folly to be wise because 1760 yards make a mile; and it is universally +acknowledged that 'war is the madness of many for the gain of a few +therefore Sir Isaac Newton was right in supposing the diamond to be +combustible." The Siamese twins, it must be admitted, form a singular +conjunction. + +A tin pot fastened to a dog's tail is a disagreeable conjunction to the +unfortunate animal. + +A happy pair may be regarded as an uncommon conjunction. + +The {068}word as, so often used in this and other Grammars, is a +conjunction: as, "Mrs. A. is as well as can be expected." + +[Illustration: 077] + + + + +CHAPTER X. OF DERIVATION. + +Those who know Latin, Greek, Saxon, and the other languages from which +our own is formed, do not require to {069}be instructed in philological +derivation; and on those who do not understand the said tongues, such +instruction would be thrown away. In what manner English words are +derived, one from another, the generality of persons know very well: +there are, however, a few words and phrases, which it is expedient to +trace to their respective sources; not only because such an exercise is +of itself delightful to the inquiring mind; but because we shall thereby +be furnished (as we hope to show) with a test by means of which, on +hearing an expression for the first time, we shall be able, in most +instances, to decide at once respecting its nature and quality. + +These words, of which many have but recently come into vogue, which, +though by no means improper or immoral, are absolutely unutterable in +any polite assembly. It is not, at first, very easy to see what can be +the objection to their use; but derivation explains it for us in the +most satisfactory manner. The truth is, that the expressions in question +take their origin from various trades and occupations, in which they +have for the most part, a literal meaning; and we now perceive what +horrible suspicions respecting one's birth, habits, and education, their +figurative employment would be likely to excite. To make the matter +indisputably clear, we will explain our position by a few examples. + +{070} + +WORDS AND PHRASES. WHAT DERIVED FROM. + + To be done, Cooks. + To be done brown, Ditto. + A sell, (a cheat,) Jews. + To lather (to beat,) Barbers. + To strap (ditto,) Cobblers. + To hide (ditto,) Curriers. + Spicy (showy,) Grocers. + To hang out (to dwell,) Publicans. + Swamped (ruined,) Watermen. + To put one's oar in (to + interfere,) Ditto. + Mahogany (for table,) Upholsterers. + Dodge (trick,) Pickpockets. + To bung up an eye, Brewers. + To chalk down, Publicans. + A close shaver (a miser,) Barbers. + To be off your feed, Ostlers. + Hold hard (stop,) Omnibus-men. + +Numerous examples, similar to the foregoing, will, no doubt, present +themselves, in addition, to the mind of the enlightened student. We have +not, however, quite done yet with our remarks on this division of our +subject. The intrinsic vulgarity of all modes of speech which may +be traced to mean or disreputable persons, will, of course, not be +questioned. But--and as we have got hold of a nice bone, we may as well +get all the marrow we can out of it--the principle which is now under +consideration has a much wider range than is apparent at first sight. + +Now we will suppose a red-hot lover addressing the goddess of his +idolatry--by the way, how strange it is, that these goddesses should be +always having their temples {071}on fire, that a Queen of Hearts should +ever be seated on a burning throne!--but to return to the lover: he +was to say something. Well, then, let A. B. be the lover. He expresses +himself thus: + +"Mary, my earthly hopes are centred in you. You need not doubt me; my +heart is true as the dial to the sun. Words cannot express how much I +love you. Nor is my affection an ordinary feeling: it is a more exalted +and a more enduring sentiment than that which bears it name. I have +done. I am not eloquent: I can say no more, than that I deeply and +sincerely love you." + +This, perhaps, will be regarded by connoisseurs as tolerably pathetic, +and for the kind of thing not very ridiculous. Now, let A. S. S. be the +lover: and let us have his version of the same story:-- + +"Mary, my capital in life is invested in you. You need not stick at +giving me credit; my heart is as safe as the bank. The sum total of my +love for you defies calculation. Nor is my attachment anything in the +common way. It is a superior and more durable article than that in +general wear. My stock of words is exhausted. I am no wholesale dealer +in that line. All I can say is, that I have a vast fund of unadulterated +affection for you." + +In this effusion the Stock Exchange, the multiplication table, and the +dry goods and grocer's shops have been drawn upon for a clothing to the +suitor's ideas; and by an unhappy choice of words, the most delightful +and amiable feelings of our nature, without which life would be a desert +and man a bear, are invested with a ridiculous disguise. + +We would willingly enlarge upon the topic which we have {072}thus +slightly handled, but that we feel that we should by so doing, +intrench too far on the boundaries of Rhetoric, to which science, more +particularly than to Grammar, the consideration of Metaphor belongs; +besides which, it is high time to have done with Etymology. + + + + +PART III. SYNTAX. + +"Now then, reader, if you are quite ready, we are.--All right! * * * *" + +The asterisks are intended to stand for a word used in speaking to +horses. Don't blush, young ladies; there's not a shadow of harm in it: +but as to spelling it, we are as unable to do so as the ostler's boy +was, who was thrashed for his ignorance by his father. + +"Where are we now, coachman?" + +"The third part of Grammar, Sir, wot treats of the agreement and +construction of words in a sentence." + +"Does a coachman say _wot_ for _which_ because he has a licence?" + +"Can't say, Ma'am?" + +"Drive on, coachman." + +And we must drive on, or boil on, or whatever it is the fashion to call +getting on in these times. + +A {073}sentence is an aggregate of words forming a complete sense. + +Sentences are of two kinds, simple and compound. A simple sentence has +in it but one subject and one finite verb; that is, a verb to which +number and person belong: as, "A joke is a joke." + +A compound sentence consists of two or more simple sentences connected +together: as, "A joke is a joke, but a ducking is no joke. Corpulence is +the attribute of swine, mayors, and oxen." + +Simple sentences may be divided (if we choose to take the trouble) +into the Explicative or explaining; the Interrogative, or asking; the +imperative, or commanding. + +An explicative sentence is, in other words, a direct assertion: as, +"Sir, you are impertinent."--_Johnson_. + +An interrogative sentence "merely asks a question:" as, "Are you a +policeman? How's your Inspector?" An imperative sentence is expressive +of command, exhortation, or entreaty; as, "Shoulder arms!" + +"Turn out your toes!" + +"Charge bayonets!" + +A phrase is two or more words properly put together, making either a +sentence or part of a sentence: as, "Good morning!" + +"Your most obedient!" + +Some phrases consist of two or more words improperly put together: these +are improper phrases: as, "Now then, old stupid!" + +"Stand out of the sunshine!" Other phrases consist of words put together +by ladies: as, "A duck of a man," +"A love of a shawl," +"so nice," +"quite refreshing," +"sweetly pretty." +"Did you ever?" +"No I never!" + +[Illustration: 083] + +Other phrases again consist of French and English words put together +by people of quality, because their knowledge {074}of both languages is +pretty nearly equal: as, "I am au désespoir," + +"mis hors de combat," + +"quite ennuyé," or rather in nine cases out of ten, "ennuyeé,"--"I have +a great envié" to do so and so. These constitute an important variety of +comic English. + +If you want to know what subjects and objects are, you should go to the +Morgue at Paris. But in Grammar-- + +The subject is the thing chiefly spoken of; the attribute is that which +is affirmed or denied of it; and the object is the thing affected by +such action. + +The {075}nominative denotes the subject, and usually goes before the +verb or attribute; and the word or phrase, denoting the object, follows +the verb; as, "The flirt torments her lover." Here, a flirt is the +subject; torments, the attribute or thing affirmed; and her lover, the +object. + +[Illustration: 084] + +It strikes us, though, that we are somewhat digressing from our subject, +namely Syntax, which, + +Principally {076}consists of two parts (which the flirt does not, for +she is all body and no soul) Concord and Government. + +Concord is the agreement which one word has with another, in gender, +number, case or person. + +Note.--That a want of agreement between words does not invalidate +_deeds_. We apprehend that such an engagement as the following, properly +authenticated, would hold good in law. + + I ose Jon stubs too hunder dollar for valley reseved an + promis to pay Him Nex Sattaday + + Signed Willum Gibs is x Mark + + March 18, 1844. + +Also that a friend of ours, to whom the following bill was sent, could +not have refused to discharge it on the score of its incorrect grammar. + +==> See Page Scan + + +Government {077}is that power which one part of speech has over another, +in directing its mood, tense, or case. + +Government is also that power, of which, if the Agrarians have their +way, we shall soon see very little in this country. + +Hurrah! + +No taxes! + +No army! + +No navy! + +No parsons! + +No lawyers! + +No Congress! + +No Legislature! + +No anything! + +No nothing! + +To produce the agreement and right disposition of words in a sentence, +the following rules (and observations?) should be carefully studied. + + +RULE I. + +A verb must agree with its nominative case in number and person: as "I +perceive." + +"Thou hast been to Boston." + +"Apes chatter." + +"Frenchmen gabble." + +Certain liberties are sometimes taken with this rule: as, "I own I likes +good beer." + +"You'm a fine fellow, aint yer?" Such modes of speaking are adopted by +those who neither know nor care anything about grammatical correctness: +but there are other persons who care a great deal about it, but +unfortunately do not know what it consists in. Such folks are very fond +of saying, "How it rain!" + +"It fit you very well." + +"He say he think it very unbecoming." + +"I were gone before you {078}was come," and so forth, in which forms of +speech they perceive a peculiar elegance. + +The infinitive mood, or part of a sentence, is sometimes used as the +nominative case to the verb: as, "to be good is to be happy which is +as grammatical an assertion as "Toby Good is Toby Happy;" and rather +surpasses it in respect of sense. "That two pippins are a pair, is a +proposition which no man in his senses will deny." + + "To be a connoisseur in boots, + To hate all rational pursuits, + To make your money fly, as though + Gold would as fast as mushrooms grow; + To haunt the Opera, save whene'er + There's anything worth hearing there; + To smirk, to smile, to bow, to dance, + To talk of what they eat in France, + To languish, simper, sue, and sigh, + And stuff her bead with flattery; + Are means to gain that worthless part, + A fashionable lady's heart." + +Here are examples enough, in all conscience, of infinitive moods serving +as nominative oases. + +All verbs, save only in the infinitive mood or participle, require a +nominative case either expressed or understood: as, "Row with me down +the river," that is "Row thou, or do thou row." + + "Come where the aspens quiver," + "come thou, or do thou come." + "Fly not yet;" + "fly not thou, or do not thou fly." + "Pass the ruby;" + "Pass thou, or do thou pass the ruby" (not the Rubicon. + +A {079}well known popular song affords an example of the violation of +this rule. + +"Ven as the Captain comed for to hear on't, Wery much applauded vot +she'd done." + +[Illustration: 088] + +The verb applauded has here no nominative case, whereas it ought to have +been governed by the pronoun he. "He very much applauded," &c. + +Every nominative case, except when made absolute, or used, like the +Latin Vocative, in addressing a person, should belong to some verb, +implied if not expressed. A beautiful example of this grammatical maxim, +{080}and one, too, that explains itself, is impressed upon the mind very +soon after its first introduction to letters: as, + + "Who kill'd Cock Robin? + I said the sparrow, + With my bow and arrow; + I kill'd Cock Robin." + +Of the neglect of this rule also, the ballad lately mentioned presents +an instance: as, + + "Four-and-twenty brisk young fellows + Clad in jackets, blue array,-- + And they took poor Billy Taylor + From his true love all avay." + +The only verb in these four lines is the verb took, which is governed +by the pronoun they. The four-and-twenty brisk young fellows, therefore, +though undeniably in the nominative, have no verb to belong to: while, +at the same time, whatever may be thought of their behavior to Mr. +William Taylor, they are certainly not absolute in point of case. + +When a verb comes between two nouns, either of which may be taken as +the subject of the affirmation, it may agree with either of them: as, +"Two-and-six-pence is half-a-crown." Due regard, however, should be paid +to that noun which is most naturally the subject of the verb: it would +be clearly wrong to say, "Ducks and green peas is a delicacy." + +"Fleas is a nuisance." + +A nominative case, standing without a personal tense of a verb, and +being put before a participle, independently of the rest of the +sentence, is called a case absolute: as, "My brethren, to-morrow being +Sunday, I shall {081}preach a sermon in John street; after which we +shall join in a hymn, and that having been sungy Brother Biggs will +address you." + +The objective case is sometimes incorrectly made absolute by showmen and +others: as, "Here, gentlemen and ladies, you will see that great warrior +Napoleon Bonaparte, standing agin a tree with his hands in his breeches +pockets, him taking good care to keep out of harm's vay. And there, on +the extreme right, you will observe the Duky Vellingtdn a valking about +amidst the red-hot cannon balls, him not caring von straw." + +[Illustration: 090] + + +RULE II. + +Two or more singular nouns, joined together by a copulative conjunction, +expressed, or understood are equivalent {082}to a plural noun, and +therefore require verbs, nouns, and pronouns, agreeing with them in the +plural number: as, "Veal, wine, and vinegar are very good victuals I +vow." + +"Burke and Hare were nice men." + +"A hat without a crown, a tattered coat, threadbare and out at elbows, +a pair of breeches which looked like a piece of dirty patchwork +diversified by various holes, and of boots which a Jew would hardly have +raked from a kennel, at once proclaimed him a man who had seen better +days." + +This rule is not always adhered to in discourse quite so closely as a +fastidious ear would require it to be: as, "And so, you know, Mary, and +I, and Jane was a dusting the chairs, and in comes Missus." + + +RULE III. + +When the conjunction disjunctive comes between two nouns, the verb, +noun, or pronoun, is of the singular number, because it refers to each +of such nouns taken separately: as, "A cold in the head, or a sore eye +is a great disadvantage to a lover." + +If singular pronouns, or a noun and pronoun of different persons, be +disjunctively connected, the verb must agree with the person which +stands nearest to it; as, "I or thou art." + +"Thou or I am" + +"I, thou, or he is" &c. But as this way of writing or speaking is very +inelegant, and as saying, "Either I am, or thou art," and so on, will +always render having recourse to it unnecessary, the rule just laid down +is almost useless, except inasmuch as it suggests a moral maxim, namely, +"Always be on good terms with your next door neighbor." + +It also forcibly reminds us of some beautiful lines by + +Moore, {083}in which the heart, like a tendril, is said to twine round +the "nearest and loveliest thing." Now the person which is placed +nearest the verb is the object of choice; ergo, the most agreeable +person--ergo, the loveliest person or thing. + +Should a conjunction disjunctive occur between a singular noun or +pronoun, and a plural one, the verb agrees with the plural noun or +pronoun: as, "Neither a king nor his courtiers are averse to butter:" +(particularly when thickly spread.) "Darius or the Persians were hostile +to Greece." + + +RULE IV. + +A noun or multitude, that is, one which signifies many, can have a verb +or Pronoun to agree with it either in the singular or plural number; +according to the import of such noun, as conveying unity or plurality of +idea: as, "The nations humbugged." + +"The multitude have to pay many taxes." + +"The city Council are at a loss to know what to do." + +"The people is a many headed monster." + + +RULE V. + +Pronouns agree with their antecedents, and with the nouns to which they +belong, in gender and number: as, "This is the blow which killed Ned." + +"England was once governed by a celebrated King, who was called Rufus +the Red, but whose name was by no means so illustrious as that of +Alfred." + +"General M. and the Lieutenant had put on their boots." + +"The lady appeared, and she smiled, but the smile belied her feelings." + +The relative being of the same person with the antecedent, {084}the verb +always agrees with it: as, + +"Thou who learnest Syntax" + +"I who enlighten thy mind." + +The objective case of the personal pronouns is by some, for want of +better information, employed in the place of these and those: as, + +"Let them things alone." + +"Now then, Jemes, make haste with them chops." The adverb there, is +sometimes, with additional impropriety, joined to the pronoun them: as, + +"Look after them there sheep." + +The objective case of a pronoun in the first person is put after the +interjections Oh! and Ah! as, + +"Oh! dear me," &c. + +The second person, however, requires a nominative case: as, + +"Oh! you good-for-nothing man!" + +"Ah! thou gay Lothario!" + +[Illustration: 093] + + +RULE VI. + +When {085}there is no nominative case between the relative and the verb, +the relative itself is the nominative to the verb: as, "The master who +flogged us." + +"The rods which were used." + +But when the nominative comes between the relative and the verb, the +relative exchanges, as it were, the character of sire for that of son, +and becomes the governed instead of the governor; depending for its case +| on some word in its own member of the sentence: as, "He who is now at +the head of affairs, whom the people delight to honor, and to whom is +intrusted the helm of state--is a Polk." + + +RULE VII. + +The relative and the verb, when the former is preceded by two +nominatives of different persons, may agree in person with either, +according to the sense: as, + +"I am the young gentleman who do the lovers at the Chatham;" or, "who +does." + +[Illustration: 095] + +Let this maxim be borne constantly in mind. "A murderer of good +characters should always be made an example of." + + +RULE VIII. + +Every adjective, and every adjective pronoun, relates to a substantive, +expressed or implied: as, "Dando was an unprincipled, as well as a +voracious man." + +"Few quarrel with their bread and butter;" that is, "few persons." + +"This is the wonderful eagle of the sun." That is, "This eagle" &c. + +Adjective pronouns agree in number with their substantives: "This +muff, these muffs; that booby, these boobies; another numscull, other +numsculls." + +Some {086}people say, "Those kind of things," or, "This four-and-twenty +year," neither of which expressions they have any business to use. + +Adjectives are sometimes improperly used as adverbs: as, "He behaved +very bad." + +"He insulted me most gross." + +"He eat and drank uncommon." + +"He wur beat very severe." + +"It hailed tremendous" or, more commonly, "tremenjus." + + +RULE IX. + +The article a or an agrees with nouns in the singular number only: as, +"A fool, an ass, a simpleton, a ninny, {087}a lout--I would not give a +farthing for a thousand such." + +The definite article the may agree with nouns in the singular and plural +number: as, "The toast, the ladies, the ducks." + +The articles are often properly omitted; when used, they serve to +determine or limit the thing spoken of: as, "Variety is charming." + +"Familiarity doth breed contempt." + +"A stitch in time saves nine." + +"The heart that has truly loved never forgets." + + +RULE X. + +One substantive, in the possessive or genitive case, is governed by +another, of a different meaning: as, "A fiddle-stick's end." + +"Monkey's allowance." + +"Virtue's reward." + +[Illustration: 096] + + +RULE XI. + +Active verbs govern the objective case: as, "I kissed her." + +"She scratched me" + +"Virtue rewards her followers." + +For {088}which reason she is like a cook. + +Verbs neuter do not govern an objective case. Observe, therefore, that +such phrases: as, + +"She cried a good one," + +"He came the old soldier over me," + +and so forth, are highly improper in a grammatical point of view, to say +nothing of other objections to them. + +These verbs, however, are capable of governing words of a meaning +similar to their own: as, in the affecting ballad of Giles Scroggins-- + +"I wont, she cried, and screamed a scream" + +The verb To Be has the same case after it as that which goes before it: +as, "It was I" not "It was me" + +"The Grubbs were they who eat so much tripe at our last party not "The +Grubbses were them." + + +RULE XII. + +One verb governs another that depends upon it, in the infinitive mood: +as, "Cease to smoke pipes." + +"Begin to wear collars." + +"I advise you to shave" + +"I recommend you to go to church." + +"I resolved to visit the Carolinas." + +"And there I learned to wheel about And jump Jim Crow." + +In general the preposition to is used before the latter of two verbs; +but sometimes it is more properly omitted: as, "I saw you take it, young +fellow; come along with me." + +"Let me get hold of you, that's all!" + +"Did I hear you speak?" + +"I'll let you know!" + +"You dare not hit me." + +"Bid me discourse" + +"You need not sing" + +The proposition for is sometimes unnecessarily intruded into a sentence, +in addition to the preposition to, before an infinitive mood: as, How +came you for to think, {089}for to go, for to do such a thing?" Do you +want me for to punch your head?" + +Adjectives, substantives, and participles, often govern the infinitive +mood: as, "Miss Hopkins, I shall be happy to dance the next set with +you." + +"Oh! Sir, it is impossible to refuse you." + +"Have you an inclination to waltz?" + +"I shall be delighted in endeavoring to do so." + +The infinitive mood is frequently made absolute, that is, independent of +the rest of the sentence: as, "To say the truth, I was rather the worse +for liquor." + +"Not to mince matters, Miss, I love you." + +[Illustration: 098] + +RULE XIII. + +The {090}relation which words and phrases bear to each other in point +of time, should always be duly marked: instead of saying, "Last night I +intended to have made strong love to her," we should say, "Last night I +intended to make strong love to her;" because, although the intention of +making strong love may have been abandoned (on reflection) this morning, +and is now, therefore, a thing which is past, yet it is undoubtedly, +when last night and the thoughts connected with it are brought back, +again present to the mind. + + +RULE XIV. + +Participles have the same power of government with that of the verbs +from which they are derived: as, + +"Oh, what an exquisite singer Rubini is! I am so fond of hearing him." + +"Look at that horrid man; I declare he is quizzing us!" + +"No, he is only taking snuff." + +"See, how that thing opposite keeps making mouths." + +"How fond they all are of wearing mustaches! Don't you like it?" + +"Oh, yes! there is no resisting them." + +"Heigho! I am dying to have an ice--" + + Young man for a husband, Miss? + For shame, Sir! don't be rude! + +Participles are sometimes used as substantives: as, "The French mouth is +adapted to the making of grimaces." + +"The cobbler is like the parson; he lives by the mending of soles." + +"The tailor reaps a good harvest from the sewing of cloth." + +"Did you ever see a shoot-ing of the moon?" + +Is this what the witches mean when they sing, in the acting play of +Macbeth, + +"We fly by night?" + +If {091}they "shoot the moon," they are shooting stars. There is a mode +of using the indefinite article a before a participle, for which +there is no occasion, as it does not convert the participle into a +substantive, and makes no alteration in the sense of what is said; in +this case the article, therefore, is like a wart, a wen, or a knob at +the end of the nose, neither useful nor ornamental: as, "Going out a +shooting." + +"Are you a coming to-morrow?" + +"I was a thinking about what Jem said." + +"Here you are, a going of it, as usual!" A liberty not unfrequently +taken with the English Language, is the substitution of the perfect +participle for the imperfect tense, and of the imperfect tense for the +perfect participle: as, "He run like mad, with the great dog after him." + +"Maria come and told us all about it." + +"When I had wrote the Valentine, I sealed it with my thimble." + +"He has rose to (be) a common* councilman." + +"I was chose Lord Mayor." + +"I've eat (or a eat) lots of vension in my time." + +"I should have spoke if you hadn't put in your oar." + +"You were mistook." + +"He sent her an affecting copy of verses, which was wrote with a +Perryian pen." + + +RULE XV. + +Adverbs are generally placed in a sentence before adjectives, after +verbs active or neuter, and frequently between the auxiliary and the +verb: as, "He came, Sir, and he was most exceedingly drunk; he could +hardly stand upon his legs; he made a very lame discourse; he spoke +incoherently and ridiculously; and was impatiently heard by the whole +assembly." + +"He is fashionably dressed." + +"She is conspicuously ugly." + +"The eye of {092}jealousy is proverbially sharp, and yet it is +indisputiably green" + +"The French Marquis was a very charming man; he danced exquisitely and +nimbly, and was greatly admired by all the ladies." + +[Illustration: 101] + +Several adverbs have been coined of late; and some of them are +very remarkable for a "particular" elegance: as, "I reckon you're +catawampously chawed up." In the example just given there is to be +found, besides the new adverb, a word which, if not also new to the +{093}English student, is rendered so both by its orthography and +pronunciation; namely, _chawed_. This term is no other than "chewed," +modified. "Chawed up" is a very strong expression, and is employed to +signify the most complete state of discomfiture and defeat, when a man +is as much crushed, mashed, and comminuted, morally speaking, as if +he had literally and corporeally undergone the process of mastication. +"Catawampously" is a concentration of "hopelessly," "tremendously," +"thoroughly," and "irrevocably;" so that "catawampously chawed up," +means, brought as nearly to a state of utter annihilation as anything +consistently with the laws of nature can possibly be. For the +metaphorical use of the word "chawed," three several reasons have been +given: 1. Familiarity with the manner in which the alligator disposes +of his vie-tims. 2. The cannibalism of the Aborigines. 3. The delicate +practice of chewing tobacco. Each of these is supported by numerous +arguments, on the consideration of which it would be quite out of the +question to enter in this place. + + +RULE XVI. + +Two English negatives (like French lovers) destroy one another,--and +become equivalent to an affirmative: as, "The question before the House +was not an unimportant one;" that is, "it was an important one." + +"Mr. Brown was free to confess that he did not undertake to say that +he would not on some future occasion give a satisfactory answer to the +honorable gentleman." + +Thus, at one and the same time, we teach our readers Syntax and +secretiveness. + +It is probable that small boys are often unacquainted with {094}this +rule; for many of them, while undergoing personal chastisement, exclaim, +for the purpose, as it would appear, of causing its duration to be +shortened--"Oh pray, Sir, oh pray, Sir, oh pray, Sir! I won't do so no +more!" + + +RULE XVII. + +Prepositions govern the objective case: as, "What did the butcher say of +her?" + +"He said that she would never do for him; that she was too thin for a +wife, and he was not fond of a spare rib." + +The delicate ear is much offended by any deviation from this rule: +as, in a shocking and vulgar song which it was once our misfortune to +hear:-- + + "There I found the faithless she + Frying sausages for he." + +We had occasion, in the Etymology, to remark on a certain misuse of the +preposition, of. This, perhaps, is best explained by stating that of in +the instances cited, is made to usurp the government of cases which are +already under a rightful jurisdiction: as, "What are you got a eating +of?" + +"He had been a beating of his wife." + + +RULE XVIII. + +Conjunctions connect similar moods and tenses of verbs, and cases of +nouns and pronouns: as, "A coat of arms suspended on a wall is like an +executed traitor; it is hanged, drawn, and quartered." + +"If you continue thus to drink brandy and water and to smoke cigars, you +will be like Boreas the North wind, who takes 'cold without' wherever he +goes, and always 'blows a cloud' when it comes in his way." + +"Do you think there is any {095}thing between him and her?" + +"Yes; he, and she are engaged ones." + +[Illustration: 104] + +Note.--To ask whether there is any thing between two persons of opposite +sexes, is one way of inquiring whether they are in love with each other. +It is not, however, in our opinion, a very happy phrase, inasmuch +as whatever intervenes between a couple of fond hearts, must tend to +prevent them from coming together. + + +RULE XIX. + +Some conjunctions govern the indicative; some the subjunctive mood. In +general, it is right to use the subjunctive, {096}when contingency or +doubt is implied: as, "If I were to say that the moon is made of green +cheese." + +"If I were a wiseacre." + +"If I were a Wilt-shire-man." + +"A lady, unless, she be toasted, is never drunk." + +And when she is toasted, those who are drunk are generally the +gentlemen. + +[Illustration: 105] + +Those conjunctions which have a positive and absolute signification, +require the indicative mood: as, "He who fasts may be compared to a +horse: for as the animal eats not a bit, so neither does the man partake +of a morsel." + +"The rustic is deluded by false hopes, for his daily food is gammon." + +Every philosopher has his weak points, and in the Sylva Sylvarum may be +found some gammon of Bacon. + + +RULE XX. + +When a comparison is made between two or more things, the latter noun or +pronoun is not governed by the {097}conjunction than or as, but agrees +with the verb, or is governed by the verb or preposition, expressed +or understood: as, "The French are a lighter people than we," (that is +"than we are,") "and yet we are not so dark as they," that is, "as they +are." + +"I should think that they admire me more than them," that is, "than they +admire them." + +"It is a shame, Martha! you were thinking more of that young officer +than me," that is, "of me." + +[Illustration: 106] + +Sufficient attention is not always paid, in discourse, to this rule. +Thus, a schoolboy may be often heard to exclaim, + +"What did you hit me for, you great fool?" + +"You're bigger than me. Hit some one of your own size!" + +"Not fling farther than him? just can't I, that's all!" + +"You and I have got more marbles than them," + + +RULE XXI. + +An {098}ellipsis, or omission of certain words, is frequently allowed, +for the sake of avoiding disagreeable repetitions, and of expressing our +ideas in a few words. Instead of saying, "She was a little woman, she +was a round woman, and she was an old woman," we say, making use of the +figure Ellipsis, "She was a little, round, and old woman." + +When, however, the omission of words is productive of obscurity, weakens +the sentence, or involves a violation of some grammatical principle, +the ellipsis must not be used. It is improper to say, "Puddings fill who +fill them;" we should supply the word those. "A beautiful leg of mutton +and turnips" is not good language: those who would deserve what they +are talking about ought to say, "A beautiful leg of mutton and fine +turnips." + +In common discourse, in which the meaning can be eked out by gestures, +signs, and inarticulate sounds variously modified, the ellipsis is +much more liberally and more extensively employed than in written +composition. "May I have the pleasure of--hum? ha?" may constitute an +invitation to take wine. "I shall be quite--a--a--" may serve as an +answer in the affirmative. "So then you see he was--eh!--you see--," is +perhaps an intimation that a man has been hanged. "Well, of all the--I +never!" is often tantamount to three times as many words expressive of +surprise, approbation, or disapprobation, according to the tone in +which it is uttered. "Will you?--ah!--will you?--ah!--ah!--ah!" will do +either for "Will you be so impertinent, you scoundrel? will you dare +to do so another {099}time?" or, "Will you, dearest, loveliest, most +adorable of your sex, will you consent to make me happy; will you be +mine? speak! answer, I entreat you! One word from those sweet lips will +make me the most fortunate man in existence!" + +There is, however, a kind of ellipsis which those who indulge in that +style of epistolary writing, wherein sentiments of a tender nature are +conveyed, will do well to avoid with the greatest care. The ellipsis +alluded to, is that of the first person singular of the personal +pronoun, as instanced in the following model of a billet-doux:-- + + + Camberwell, + + April 1, 1844. + + MY DEAREST FANNY, + + Have not enjoyed the balm of sleep all the livelong night. + Encountered, last night, at the ball, the beau ideal of my + heart. Never knew what love was till then. Derided the + sentiment often; jested at scars, because had never felt a + wound. Feel at last the power of beauty--Write with a + tremulous hand; waver between hope and fear. Hope to be + thought not altogether unworthy of regard: fear to be + rejected as having no pretensions to the affections of such + unparalleled loveliness. Know not in what terms to declare + my feelings. Adore you, worship you, dote on you, am wrapt + up in you! think but on you, live but for you, would + willingly die for you!--in short, love you! and imploring + you to have some compassion on one who is distracted for + your sake + + Remain + + Devotedly yours + + T. Tout. + + +RULE XXII. + +A {100}Regular and dependent construction should be carefully preserved +throughout the whole of a sentence, and all its parts should correspond +to each other. There is, therefore, an inaccuracy in the following +sentence; "Greenacre was more admired, but not so much lamented, as +Burke." It should be, "Greenacre was more admired than Burke, but not so +much lamented." + +Of these two worthies there will be a notice of the following kind in +a biographical dictionary, to be published a thousand years hence in +America. + +Greenacre.--A celebrated critic who so cut up a blue-stocking lady of +the name of Brown, that he did not leave her a leg to stand upon. + +Burke.--A famous orator, whose power of stopping people's mouths was +said to be prodigious. It is farther reported of him that he was only +once hung up, and that on the occasion of the last speech he ever made. + +Perhaps it may be said that the rule last stated comprehends all +preceding rules and requires exemplification accordingly. We therefore +call the attention of the reader to the following paragraph, requesting +him to consider what, and how many, violations of the maxims of Syntax +it contains. + +"We teaches, that is, my son and me teaches, the boys English Grammar. +Tom or Dick have learned something every day but Harry what is idler, +whom I am sure will never come to no good, for he is always a miching +and doing those kind of things (he was catch but yesterday in a skittle +grounds) he only makes his book all dog's ears. I beat he, too, pretty +smartish, as I ought, you will say, for to have did. I was going to have +{101}sent him away last week but he somehow got over me as he do always. +I have had so much trouble with he, that between you and I, if I was not +paid for il, I wouldn't have no more to do with such a boy. There never +wasn't a monkey more mischievious than him; and a donkey isn't more +stupider and not half so obstinate as that youngster." + +The Syntax of the Interjection has been sufficiently stated under Rule +V. Interjections afford more matter for consideration in a Treatise +on Elocution than they do in a work on Grammar; but there is one +observation which we are desirous of making respecting them, and which +will not, it is hoped, be thought altogether foreign to our present +subject. Almost every interjection has a great variety of meanings, +adapted to particular occasions and circumstances, and indicated chiefly +by the tone of the voice. Of this proposition we shall now give a few +illustrations, which we would endeavor to render still clearer by the +addition of musical notes, but that these would hardly express, with +adequate exactness, the modulations of sound to which we allude; and +besides, we hope to be sufficiently understood without such help. This +part of the Grammar should be read aloud by the student; or, which is +better still, the interjection, where it is possible, should be repeated +with the proper intonation by a class; the sentence which gives occasion +to it being read by the preceptor. We will select the interjection Oh! +as the source from which our examples are to be drawn. + +"I'll give it to you, you idle dog: I will!" + +"Oh, pray, Sir! Oh, pray, Sir! Oh! Oh! Oh!" + +"I shall ever have the highest esteem for you, Sir; but as to love, that +is out of the question." + +"Oh, {102}Matilda!" + +"I say, Jim, look at that chaffinch: there's a shy!" + +"Oh, Crikey!" + +"Miss Timms, do you admire Lord Byron?" + +"Oh, yes!" + +"What do you think of Rubini's singing?" + +"Oh!" + +"So then, you see, we popped round the corner, and caught them just in +the nick of time." + +"Oh!" + +"Sir, your behavior has done you great credit." + +"Oh!" + +"Oats are looking up." + +"Oh!" + +"Honorable Members might say what they pleased; but he was convinced, +for his part, that the New Poor Law had given great general +satisfaction." + +"Oh! oh!" + +There being now no reason (or rule) to detain us in the Syntax, we shall +forthwith advance into Prosody, where we shall have something to say, +not only about rules, but also of measures. + + + + +PART IV. PROSODY. + +Prosody {103}consists of two parts; wherefore, although it may be a +topic, a head, or subject for discussion, it can never be a point; for a +point is that which hath no parts. Besides, there are a great many +lines to be considered in the second part of Prosody, which treats of +Versification. The first division teaches the true Pro-nunciation of +Words, including Accent, Quantity, Emphasis, Pause, and Tone. + +Lord Chesterfield's book about manners, which is intended to teach +us the proper tone to be adopted in Society, may be termed an Ethical +Prosody. + +Lord Chesterfield may have been a polished gentleman, but Dr. Johnson +was of the two the more shining character. + + + + +CHAPTER I. OF PRONUNCIATION + + + + +SECTION I. OF ACCENT. + +Though penetrated ourselves by the desire of imparting instruction, +we are far from wishing to bore our readers; and therefore we shall: +endeavor to repeat nothing here that we have said before. + +Accent {104}is the marking with a peculiar stress of the voice a +particular letter or syllable in a word, in such a manner as to render +it more distinct or audible than the rest. Thus, in the word théatre, +the stress of the voice should be on the letter e and first syllable +the; and in contrary, on the first syllable con. How shocking it is to +hear people say con-trary, the-atre! The friends of education will be +reminded with regret, that an error in the pronunciation of the first of +these words is very early impressed on the human mind. + + "Mary, Mary, + Quite contrary, + How does your garden grow?" + +How many evils, alas! arise from juvenile associations! + +Words of two syllables never have more than one of them accented, except +for the sake of peculiar emphasis. Gentlemen, however, whose profession +it is to drive certain public vehicles called cabs, are much accustomed +to disregard this rule, and to say, "po-lite" (or "pur-lite"), +"gén-téel," "con-cern," "po-lice," and so on: nay, they go so far as to +convert a word of one syllable into two, for the sake of indulging in +this style of pronunciation; and thus the word "queer" is pronounced by +them as "ke-veer." + +The word "a-men," when standing alone, should be pronounced with two +accents. + +The accents in which it usually is pronounced are very inelegant. +Clerks, now-a-days, alas! are no scholars. + +Dissyllables, formed by adding a termination, usually have the former +syllable accented: as, "Foolish, block-head," &c. + +===>See Page Scan + +The {105}accent in dissyllables, formed by prefixing a syllable to the +radical word, is commonly on the latter syllable: as, "I protest, I +declare, I entreat, I adore, I expire." + +Protestations, declarations, entreaties, and adorations, proclaim a +swain to be simply tender; but expiration (for love) proves him to be +decidedly soft. + +[Illustration: 114] + +A man who turns lover becomes a protest-ant; and his conduct at the same +time generally undergoes a reformation, especially if he has previously +been a rake. + +The zeal, however, of a reformed rake, like that of Jack in Dean Swift's +"Tale of a Tub," is sometimes apt to outrun his discretion. + +When the same word, being a dissyllable, is both a noun {106}and a verb, +the verb has mostly the accent on the latter, and the noun on the former +Syllable: as, + + "Molly, let Hymen's gentle hand + Cemént our hearts together, + With such a cément as shall stand + In spite of wind and weather. + + "I do presage--and oft a fact + A présage doth foretoken-- + Our mutual love shall ne'er contract, + Our côntract ne'er be broken." + +There are many exceptions to the rule just enunciated (so that, +correctly as well as familiarly speaking, it is perhaps _no_ rule;) for +though verbs seldom have an accent on the former, yet nouns frequently +have it on the latter syllable: as, + + "Mary Anne is my delight + Both by day and eke by night; + For by day her soft contrôl + Soothes my heart and calms my soul; + And her image while I doze + Comes to sweeten my repôse; + Fortune favoring my design, + Please the pigs she shall be mine!" + +The former syllable of most dissyllables ending in y, our, ow, le, ish, +ck, ter, age, en, èt, is accented: as "Grânny, noôdle," &c. + +Except allôw, avôw, endôw, bestôw, belôw. + + "Sir I cannot allôw + You your flame to avôw; + Endôw yourself first with the rhino: + My hand to bestôw On a fellow belôw + Me!--I'd rather be--never mind--- + _I_ know." + +"Music," {107}in the language of the Gods, is sometimes pronounced +"mû-sic!" + +Nouns of two syllables ending in er, have the accent on the former +syllable: as, "Bûtcher, bâker." + +It is, perhaps, a singular thing, that persons who pursue the callings +denoted by the two words selected as examples, should always indicate +their presence at an area by crying out, in direct defiance of Prosody, +"But-chér, ba-kér;" the latter syllable being of the two the more +strongly accented. + +Dissyllabic verbs ending in a consonant and e final, as "Disclose," +"repine," or having a dipthong in the last syllable, as, "Believe," +"deceive," or ending in two consonants, as "Intend," are accented on the +latter syllable. + + "Matilda's eyes a light disclôse, + Which with the star of Eve might vie; + Oh! that such lovely orbs as those + Should sparkle at an apple-pie! + "Thy love I thought was wholly mine, + Thy heart I fondly hoped to rule; + Its throne I cannot but repine + At sharing with a goosb'ry fool! + "Thou swear'st no flatterer can decéive + Thy mind,--thy breast no coxcomb rifle; + Thou art no trifler, I beliéve, + But why so plaguy fond of trifle? + "Why, when we're wed--I don't inténd + To joke, Matilda, or be funny; + I really fear that you will spend + The Honey Moon in eating honey!" + +Most {108}dissyllabic nouns, having a dipthong in the latter syllable, +have the aécent also on that syllable: as, + + "A Hamlet that draws + Is sure of applâuse." + +A Hamlet that draws? There are not many who can give even an outline of +the character. + +In a few words ending in _ain_ the accent is placed on the former +syllable: as, "Villain," which is pronounced as the natives of +Whitechapel pronounce "willing." Those dissyllables, the vowels of which +are separated in pronunciation, always have the accent on the first +syllable: as, lion, scion, &c. + + When is a young and tender shoot + Like a fond swain? When 'tis a scion. + + What's the most gentlemanly brute + Like, of all flow'rs? A _dandy_lion.' + +Trisyllables, formed by adding a termination or prefixing a syllable, +retain the accent of the radical word: as, "Lôveliness, shéepishness, +knâvery, assûrance." The first syllable of trisyllables ending in +ons, al, ion, is accented in the generality of cases: as in the words +"sérious, câpital," &c. + + "Dr. Johnson declared, with a sérious face, + That he reckoned a punster a villain: + What would he have thought of the horrible case + Of a man who makes jokes that are killing?" + + In his diction to speak 'tis not easy for one Who must + furnish both reason and rhyme: + "Sir, the rogue who has utter'd a câpital pun, + Has committed a câpital crime.' + +Trisyllables {109}ending in ce, ent, ate, y, re, le, and ude, commonly +accent the first syllable. Many of those, however, which are derived +from words having the accent on the last syllable and of those of which +the middle syllable has a vowel between two consonants, are excepted. + + They who would elegantly speak + Should not say "impudence," but "cheek;" + Should all things éatable call "prog;" + Eyes "ogles," côuntenance "phisog." + A coach should nôminate a "drag," + And spécify as "moke," a nag: + For éxcellent, use "prime" or "bang up," + Or "out and out;" and "scrag," for hang up. + The théâtre was wont to teach + The public réctitude of speech, + But we who live in modern age + Consult the gallery, not the stage. + +Trisyllables ending in ator have the accent placed on the middle +syllable; as, "Spectâtor, narrâtor," &c. except ôrator, sénator, and a +few other words. + +Take care that you never pronounce the common name of the vegetable +sometimes called Irish fruit, "purtator." + +A dipthong in the middle syllable of a trisyllable is accented: as +also, in general, is a vowel before two consonants: as, "Doméstic," +"endéavor." + +An endeavor to appear domesticated, or in common phraseology, to "do" +the domestic, is sometimes made by young gentlemen, and generally with +but an ill grace. {110}Avoid such attempts, reader, on all occasions: +and in particular never adventure either to nurse babies, or (when you +shall have "gone up to the ladies") to pour water into the tea-pot from +the kettle. A legal or medical student sometimes thinks proper, from a +desire of appearing at once gallant and facetious, to usurp the office +of pouring out the tea itself, on which occasions he is very apt to +betray his uncivilised habits by an unconscious but very unequivocal +manipulation used in giving malt liquor what is technically termed a +"head." + +Many polysyllables are regulated as to accent by the words from which +they are derived: as, "Inex-préssibles, Sûbstituted, Unobjéctionably, +Désignated, Transatlàntic, Délicacy, Decidedly, Unquéstionable." + +Words ending in ator are commonly accented on the last syllable but one, +let them be as long as they may: as, respirâtor, regulator, renovâtor, +indicâtor, and all the other alors that we see in the newspapers. + +Many words ending in ion, ous, ty, ia, io, and cal, have their accent +on the last syllable but two: as, "Con-si-de-râ-ti-on, pro-di-gi-ous, +im-pe-ne-tra-bil-i-ty, en-cy-clo-pæ'-di-a, brag-ga-dô-ci-o, +an-ti-mo-nârch-i-cal," all of which words we have divided into +syllables, by way of a hint that they are to be pronounced (comically +speaking) after the manner of Dominie Sampson. + +Words that end in le usually have the accent on the first syllable: +as, "Amicable, déspicable," &c.: although we have heard people say +"despicable." + +"I never see such a despicable fellow, not in all my born days." + +Words of this class, however, the second syllable of which has a vowel +before two consonants, are often differently {111}accented: as in +"Respéctable, contémptible. + +[Illustration: 120] + +Having, in compliance with grammatical usage, laid down certain rules +with regard to accent, we have to inform the reader that there are so +many exceptions to almost all of them, that perhaps there is scarcely +one which it is worth while to attend to. We hope we have some measure +amused him; but as to instruction, fear that, in this part of our +subject, we have given him {112}very little of that. Those who would +acquire a correct accent had better attend particularly to the mode +of speaking adopted in good society; avoid debating clubs; and go to +church. For farther satisfaction and information we refer them, and we +beg to say that we are not joking--to _Walker_. + + + + +SECTION II. OF QUANTITY. + +The quantity of a syllable means the time taken up in pronouncing it. +As there is in Arithmetic a long division and a short division, so in +Prosody is Quantity considered as long or short. + +A syllable is said to be long, when the accent is on the vowel, causing +it to be slowly joined in pronunciation to the next letter: as, "Flea, +small, creature." + +A syllable is called short, when the accent lies on the consonant, so +that the vowel is quickly joined to the succeeding letter: as "Crack, +little, devil." + +The pronunciation of a long syllable commonly occupies double the time +of a short one: thus, "Pâte," and "Broke," must be pronounced as slowly +again as "Pàt," and "Knôck." + +We have remarked a curious tendency in the more youthful students of +Grammar to regard the quantity of words (in their lessons) more as being +"small" or "great" than as coming under the head of "long" or "short." +Their predilection for small quantities of words is very striking and +peculiar; food for the mind they seem to look upon as physic; and all +physic, in their estimation, is most agreeably taken in infinitesimal +doses. The Homoeopathic system of acquiring knowledge {113}is more to +their taste than even the Hamiltonian. + +It is quite impossible to give any rules as to quantity worth reading. +The Romans may have submitted to them, but that is no reason why we +should. We will pronounce our words as we please: and if foreigners +want to know why, we will tell them that, when there is no law to the +contrary, we always does as we likes with our own. + +[Illustration: 122] + + + + +SECTION III. ON EMPHASIS. + +Emphasis {114}is the distinguishing of some word or words in a sentence, +on which we wish to lay particular stress, by a stronger and fuller +sound, and sometimes by a particular tone of the voice. + +A few illustrations of the importance of emphasis will be, perhaps, both +agreeable and useful. + +When a young lady says to a young gentlemen, "You are a _nice_ fellow; +you _are!_"--she means one thing. + +When a young gentleman, addressing one of his own sex, remarks, +"_You're_ a nice fellow; _you_ are;"--he means another thing. + +"Your friend is a gentlemen," pronounced without any particular +emphasis, is the simple assertion of a fact. + +"Your friend is a gentleman," with the emphasis on the words "friend" +and "gentleman," conveys an insinuation besides. + +So simple a question as "Do you like pine-apple rum?" is susceptible of +as many meanings as there are words in it; according to the position of +the emphasis. + +"_Do_ you like pine-apple rum?" is as much as to say, "Do you, though, +really like pine-apple rum?" + +"Do _you_ like pine-apple rum?" is tantamount to, + +"Can it be that a young gentleman (or lady) like you, can like +pine-apple rum?" + +"Do you _like_ pine-apple rum?" means, "Is it possible that instead of +disliking, you are fond of pine-apple rum?" + +"Do {115}you like _pine-apple_ rum?" is an enquiry as to whether you +like that kind of rum in particular. + +And lastly, "Do you like pine-apple _rum?_" is equivalent to asking if +you think that the flavor of the pineapple improves that especial form +of alcohol. + +A well-known instance of an emphasis improperly placed was furnished +by a certain Parson, who read a passage in the Old Testament in the +following unlucky manner: "And he said unto his sons, Saddle me the ass; +and they saddled _him._" + +Young ladies are usually very emphatic in ordinary discourse. "What a +little _dear!_ Oh! how _sweetly_ pretty! Well! I never _did_, I +declare! _So_ nice, and _so_ innocent, and _so_ good-tempered, and _so_ +affectionate, and _such_ a color! And _oh! such lovely eyes!_ and such +hair! He _was_ a little duck! he was, he was, he was. Tzig a tzig, tzig, +tzig, tzig, tzig!" &c. &c. &c. + +This emphatic way of speaking is indicative of two very amiable +feelings implanted by nature in the female occiput, and called by the +Phrenologists Adhesiveness and Philoprogenitivenes. Those who attempt +to imitate it will be conscious, while forcing out their words, of +a peculiar mental motion, which we cannot explain otherwise than by +saying, that it is analogous to that which attends the act of pressing +or squeezing; as when, with the thumb of the right hand, we knead one +lump of putty to another, in the palm of the left. Perhaps we might also +instance, sucking an orange. In all these cases, the organ of Weight, +according to Phrenology, is also active; and this, perhaps, is one +of the faculties which induce young ladies to lay a stress upon their +words. Nevertheless, we fear that a damsel {116}would hardly be pleased +by being told that her weight was considerable, though it would, at the +same time, grievously offend her to accuse her of lightness. Here we +need scarcely observe, that we refer to lightness, not of complexion, +but of sentiment, which is always regarded as a dark shade in the +character. This defect, we think, we may safely assert, will never be +observed in emphatic fair ones. + +But we have not quite yet exhausted the subject of emphasis, considered +in relation to young ladies. Their letters are as emphatic as their +language is, almost every third word being underlined. Such epistles, +inasmuch as they are addressed to the heart, ought not to be submitted +to the ear; nevertheless we must say that we have occasionally been +wicked and waggish enough to read them aloud--to ourselves alone, of +course. The reader may, if he choose, follow our example. We subjoin +a specimen of female correspondence, endeared to us by many tender +recollections, and admirably adapted to our present purpose. + +===>See Page Scan. + +I was terribly afraid that Matilda and I would have caught our Death of +cold; but thank Goodness no such untoward event took place. It was very +uncomfortable and I so wished you had been there.. When we got home who +do you think was there? Mr. Sims; and he said he thought that I was so +much grown. Only think. And so then you know we took some refreshment, +for I assure you, what with the journey and altogether we were very +nearly famished; and we were all invited {117}to go to the Chubbs' that +Evening to a small Teà Party, for which I must own I thought Mr. Chubb a +ism* man. After tea we had a carpet waltz, and although I was very tired +I enjoyed it much. There were some very pretty girls there, and one or +two agreeable young men; but oh! &c. + +The remainder of this letter being of a nature personally interesting +to ourselves only, and likely, in the opinion of some readers, to render +its insertion attributable to motives of vanity, we shall not be found +fault with for objecting to transcribe any more of it. + + + + +SECTION IV. OF PAUSES. + +A Pause, otherwise called a rest, is an absolute cessation of the +voice, in speaking or reading, during a perceptible interval, longer or +shorter, of time. + +Comic Pauses often occur in Oratory. "Unaccustomed as I am to public +speaking," is usually followed by a pause of this sort. A young +gentleman, his health having been drunk at a party, afforded, in +endeavoring to return thanks, a signal illustration of the Pause Comic. +"Gentlemen," he began, "the Ancient Romans,"--(A pause,)--"gentlemen, +the Ancient Romans,"--(Hear!)--"The Ancient Romans, Gentlemen,"--(Bravo! +hear! hear!)--"Gentlemen--that is--the Ancient Romans"--"were very fine +fellows, Jack, I dare say," added a friend, pulling the speaker down by +the coat-tail. + +That notable Ancient Roman, Brutus, is represented by Shakspeare as +making a glorious pause: as "Who's here {118}so vile that would not +love his country? If any, speak, for him have I offended. I pause for a +reply." + +[Illustration: 127] + +Here of course, Brutus pauses, folds his arms, and looks magnanimous. We +have heard, though, of an idle and impudent schoolboy, who, at a +public recitation, when he had uttered the words "I pause for a reply," +{119}gravely took out his penknife and began paring his nails. + +This was minding his paws with a vengeance. + + + + +SECTION V. OF TONES. + +Tones consist of the modulations of the voice, or the notes or +variations of sound which we use in speak-ing: thus differing materially +both from emphasis, and pauses. + +An interesting diversity of tones is exhibited by the popular voice at +an election. + +Also by charcoal-men, milk-men, and chimneysweeps; and by fruit-sellers, +and news-boys. + +We cannot exactly write tones (though it is easy enough to write notes,) +but we shall nevertheless endeavor to give some idea of their utility. + +Observe, that two doves billing resemble two magistrates +bowing;--because they are beak to beak. + +[Illustration: 128] + +A {120}lover and a police-magistrate (unless the two characters should +chance to be combined, which sometimes happens, that is, when the latter +is a lover of justice) would say, "Answer me," in very different tones. + +A lover again would utter the words "For ever and ever," in a very +different tone from that in which a minister would repeat them. + +A young lady, on her first introduction to you, says, "Sir," in a tone +very unlike that in which she sometime afterwards delivers herself of +the same monosyllable when she is addressing you under the influence of +jealousy. + +As to the word "Sir," the number of constructions which, according +to the tone in which it is spoken, it may be made to bear, are +incalculable. We may adduce a few instances. + +"Please, Sir, let me off." + +"No, Sir!" + +"Waiter! you, Sir." + +"Yes, Sir! yes, Sir!" + +"Sir, I am greatly obliged to you." + +"Sir, you are quite welcome." + +"Your servant, Sir" (by a man who brings you a challenge.) + +"Servant, Sir" (by a tailor bowing you to the door.) "Sir, you are a +gentleman!" + +"Sir, you are a scoundrel!" + +We need not go on with examples ad infinitum. If after what we have said +anybody does not understand the nature of Tone, all we shall say of him +is, that he is a _Tony_ Lumpkin. + + + + +CHAPTER II. OF VERSIFICATION. + +It {121}is with peculiar pleasure that we approach this part of Prosody. +We belong to a class of persons to whom a celebrated phrenological +manipulator ascribes "some poetical feeling, if studied or called +forth;" and, to borrow another expression from the same quarter, we +sometimes "versify a little;" that is to say, we versify our literary +occupations by an occasional flirtation with the muses. + +We have a great respect for the memory of our old schoolmaster; +notwithstanding which, we think we can beat him (which, we shall be told +by the wags, would be tit for tat) at poet-making, though, indeed, he +was a magician in his way. "I'll make thee a poet, my boy," he used to +say, "or the rod shall." + +Let us try what we can do. + +A verse consists of a certain number and variety of syllables, put +together and arranged according to certain laws. + +Verses being also called dulcet strains, harmonious numbers, tuneful +lays, and so forth, it is clear that such combination and arrangement +must be so made as to please the ear. + +Versification is the making of verses. This seems such a truism as to be +not worth stating; but it is necessary to define what Versification is, +because many people suppose it to be the same thing with poetry. We will +prove that it is not. + + "Much business in the Funds has lately been + Transacted various monied men between; + Though speculation early in the week + Went slowly; nought was done whereof to speak. + The largest operations, it was found, + Were twenty-five and fifty thousand _pound_." + +We {122}might proceed in the same strain, but we have already done half +a dozen lines without a particle of poetry in them; and we do not wish +to overwhelm people with proofs of what a great many will take upon +trust. + +Every fool knows what Rhyme is; so we need not say anything about that. + + +ON POETICAL FEET + +Poetical feet! Why, Fanny Elsler's feet and Taglioni's feet are +poetical feet--are they not? or else what is meant by calling dancing +the poetry of Motion? And cannot each of those _artistes_ boast of a toe +which is the very essence of all poetry--a TO' KAAO'N? + +No. You may make verses _on_ Taglioni's feet, (though if she be a +poetess, she can do that better than you, standing, too, on one leg, +like the man that Horace speaks of;) but you cannot make them _of_ her +feet. Feet of which verses are composed are made of syllables, not of +bones, muscles, and ligaments. Feet and pauses are the constituent parts +of a verse. + +We have heard one boy ask of another, who was singing, "How much is that +a yard?" still the yard is not a poetical measure. + +The feet which are used in poetry consist either of two or three +syllables. There are four kinds of feet of two, and an equal number +of three syllables. Four and four are eight: therefore Pegasus is an +octoped; and if our readers do not understand this logic, we are sorry +for it. But as touching the feet--we have + +1. The {123}Trochee, which has the first syllable accent, ed, and the +last unaccented: as, "Yànkëe dôodlë." + +2. The Iambus, which has the first syllable unaccented, and the last +accented: as, "Thé mâid hërsëlf with roûge, àlâs! bëdaübs." + +3. The Spondee, which has both the words or syllables accented: as, "âll +hâil, grëat king, Tom Thumb, all hail!" + +4. The Pyrrhic, which has both the words or syllables unaccented: as, +"ôn thë tree'top." + +5. The Dactyl, which has the first syllable accented and the two latter +unaccented: as, "Jônàthin, Jëffër-sôn." + +6. The Amphibrach has the first and last syllables unaccented and +the middle one accented: as, "Oë'r-whelmïng, transported, ecstatic, +delightful, àccéptëd, àddrëssës." + +7. The Anapaest (or as we used to say, _Nasty-beast_) has the two first +syllables unaccented and the last accented: as, "ôvërgrôwn grënàdiër." + +8. The Tribrach has all its syllables unaccented: as, "Matrïmôny, +exquisite nëss." + +These feet are divided into principal feet, out of which pieces of +poetry may be wholly or chiefly formed; and secondary feet, the use of +which is to diversify the number and improve the verse. + +We shall now proceed to explain the nature of the principal feet. + +Iambic verses are of several kinds, each kind consisting of a certain +number of feet or syllables. + +1. The shortest form of the English Iambic consists of an Iambus, with +an additional short syllable thus coinciding with the Amphibrach: as, +{124} + + "What Sùsàn, + My beauty! + Refuse one + So true t' ye? + + This ditty + Of sadness + Begs pity + For madness." + +2. The second form of the English Iambic consists of two Iambuses, and +sometimes takes an additional short syllable: as, + + "My eÿe, whàt fün. + With dog and gun, + And song and shout, + To roam about! + And shoot our snipes! + And smoke our pipes! + Or eat at ease, + Beneath the trees, + Our bread and cheese! + To rouse the hare + From gloomy lair; + To scale the mountain + And ford the fountain, + While rustics wonder + To hear our thunder." + +3. The third form consists of three Iambuses: as in the following +_morceau_, the author of which is, we regret to say, unknown to us; +though we did once hear somebody say that it was Mr. Anon. + + "Jâck Spràtt éat âll thé fât, + His wife eat all the lean, + And so between them both, + They lick'd the platter clean." + +In {125}this verse an additional short syllable is also admitted: as, + + "Âlëxïs yoüthful ploügh-bôy, + A Shepherdess adored, + Who loved fat Hodge, the cow-boy, + So t'other chap was floored." + +4. The fourth form is made up of four Iambuses: as, + + "Àdieü my boots, cômpàniôns old, + New footed twice, and four times soled; + My footsteps ye have guarded long, + Life's brambles, thorns, and flints among; + And now you're past the cobbler's art, + And fate declares that we must part. + Ah me! what cordial can restore + The gaping patch repatch'd before? + What healing art renew the weal + Of subject so infirm of heel? + What potion, pill, or draught control + So deep an ulcer of the sole? + +5. The fifth species of English Iambic consists of five Iambuses: as, + + You Côme, Tràgïc Müse, ïn tâttèr'd vést ârrày'd, + And while through blood, and mud, and crimes I wade, + Support my steps, and this, my strain, inspire + With Horror's blackest thoughts and bluest fire!" + + +The Epic of which the above example is the opening, will perhaps appear +hereafter. This kind of Iambic constitutes what is called the heroic +measure:--of which we shall have more to say by and by; but shall only +{126}remark at present that it, in common with most of the ordinary +English measures, is susceptible of many varieties, by the admission of +other feet, as Trochees, Dactyls, Anapaests, &c. + +6. Our Iambic in its sixth form, is commonly called the Alexandrine +measure. It consists of six Iambuses: as, + + "His worship gâve thë word, ànd Snôoks was borne âwày." + +The Alexandrine is sometimes introduced into heroic rhyme, and when +used, as the late Mr. John Reeve was wont to say, "with a little +moderation," occasions an agreeable variety. Thus the example quoted is +preceded by the following lines:-- + + "What! found at midnight with a darkey, lit, + A bull-dog, jemmy, screw, and centre-bit + And tongueless of his aim? It cannot be + But he was bent, at least, on felony; + He stands remanded. 'Ho! Policeman A!' + His worship gave the word, and Snooks was borne away." + +7. The seventh and last form of our Iambic measure is made up of seven +Iambuses. This species of verse has been immortalised by the adoption of +those eminent hands, Messrs. Sternhold and Hopkins. It runs {127}thus:-- + + + Goôd pëople âll, I prây dràw nëar, fôr yôu I needs müst têll, + That William Brown is dead and gone; the man you knew full well. + A broad-brimm'd hat, black breeches, and an old Welch wig he wore: + And now and then a long brown coat all button'd up before." + The present measure is as admirably adapted for the + Platform as for the Conventicle. + + "My name it is Bill Scroggins, and my fate it is to die, + For I was at the Sessions tried and cast for felony. + My friends, to these my dying words I pray attention lend, + The public-house has brought me unto this untimely end." + +Verses of this kind are now usually broken into two lines, with four +feet in the first line, and three in the second: as, + + "I wish I wëre â little pig + To wallow in the mire, + To eat, and drink, and sleep at ease + Is all that I desire." + +Trochaic verse is of several kinds. + +1. The shortest Trochaic verse in the English language consists of one +Trochee and a long syllable: as, + + "Billy Black + Got the sack." + +Lindley Murray asserts that this measure is defective in dignity, and +can seldom be used on serious occasions. Yet it is Pope who thus sings: + + "Dreadful screams, + Dismal gleams. + Fires that glow, + Shrieks of woe," &c. + +And for our own poor part, let us see what we can make out of a storm. +{128} + +===> See Page Scan + + +2. The second English form of the Trochaic consists of two feet: as, + + "Vermicelli, + Cürrànt jêlly." + +It sometimes contains two feet, or trochees, with an additional long +syllable: as, + + "Youth inclined tô wed, + Go and shave thy head." + +3. The third species consists of three trochees: as, + + "Sing a song ôf sixpence. + +Or of three trochees, with an additional long syllable: as, {129} + + "Thrice mÿ côat, hâve o'er thée rôll'd, + Summer hot and winter cold, + Since the Snip's creative art + Into being bade thee start; + Now like works the most sublime, + Thou displaty'st the power of time. + Broad grey patches plainly trace, + Right and left each blade-bone's place; + When thy shining collar's scann'd, + Punsters think on classic land: + Thread-bare sleeves thine age proclaim, + Elbows worn announce the same; + Elbows mouldy-black of hue, + Save where white a crack shines through; + While thy parting seams declare + Thou'rt unfit for farther wear-- + Then, farewell! "What! Moses! ho!" + "Clo', Sir? clo', Sir? clo', Sir? clo'?" + +4. The fourth Trochaic species consists of four trochees, as: + + "Ugh! yôu little lümp ôf blübbër, + Sleep, oh! sleep in quiet, do! + Cease awhile your bib to slobber-- + Cease your bottle mouth to screw. + + "How I wish your eyelids never + Would unclose again at all; + For I know as soon as ever + You're awake, you're sure to squall. + + "Dad and Mammy's darling honey, + Tomb-stone cherub, stuff'd with slops, + Let each noodle, dolt, and spooney + Smack, who will, your pudding chops. {130} + + "As for me, as soon I'd smother, + As I'd drown a sucking cat, + You, you cub, or any other, + Nasty little squalling brat." + +"Would you, you disagreeable old Bachelor?" + +[Illustration: 139] + +This form may take an additional long syllable, but this measure is very +uncommon. Example: + + "Chrônônhôtônthôlôgôs the Great, + Godlike in a barrow kept his state." + +5. The fifth Trochaic species is likewise uncommon; and, as a Bowbellian +would say, "uncommon" ugly, It contains five trochees: as, + + "Hëre lies Màrÿ, wife ôf Thômas Càrtër, + Who to typhus fever proved a martyr." + +These are a specimen of the "uncouth rhymes" so touchingly alluded to by +Gray. + +6. The sixth form of the English Trochaic is a line of six trochees: as, + + "Môst bëwitching damsel, charming Aràbéllâ, + Prithee, cast an eye of pity on a fellow." + +The Dactylic measure is extremely uncommon. The following {131}may be +considered an example of one species of it: + + "Cëlià thé crüël, resolv'd nôt tô mârry sôon, + Boasts of a heart like a fortified garrison, + Bulwarks and battlements keeping the _beaux_ all off, + Shot from within knocking lovers like foes all off." + + +Anapaestic verses are of various kinds. + +1. The shortest anapæstic verse is a single anapaest: + + "In thë glass + There's an ass." + +This measure, after all, is ambiguous; for if the stress of the voice +be laid on the first and third syllables, it becomes trochaic. Perhaps, +therefore, it is best to consider the first form of our Anapæstic verse, +as made up of two anapaests: as, + + "Sët â schôolbôy ât wôrk + With a knife and a fork." + +And here if you like, you may have another short syllable: as, + + "And hôw sôon thë yoüng glüttôn + Will astonish your mutton!" + +2. The second species consists of three anapaests: as, + + "Amàrÿllïs was slëndër ànd tail, + Colin Clodpole was dumpy and fat; + And tho' she did'n't like him at all, + Yet he doted on her for all that." + +This metre is sometimes denominated sing-song. + +3. The third kind of English Anapæstics may be very well exemplified by +an Irish song: + + "Hâve yôu e'er hàd thë lück tô sëe Dônnÿbrôok Fair?" + +It {132}consists, as will have been observed, of four ana-pæsts. +Sometimes it admits of a short syllable at the end of the verse: as, + + In the dëad ôf thë night, when with dire càtërwàuling + Of grimalkins in chorus the house-tops resound: + All insensibly drunk, and unconsciously sprawling + In the kennel, how pleasant it is to be found!" + +The various specimens of versification of which examples have been +given, may be improved and varied by the admission of secondary feet +into their composition; but as we are not writing an Art of Poetry, we +cannot afford to show how: particularly as the only way, after all, +of acquiring a real knowledge of the structure of English verse, is +by extensive reading. Besides, there yet remain a few Directions for +Poetical Beginners, which we feel ourselves called upon to give, and for +which, if we do not take care, we shall not have room. + +The commencement of a poet's career is usually the writing of _nonsense_ +verses. The nonsense of these compositions is very often unintentional; +but sometimes words are put together avowedly without regard to sense, +and with no other view than that of acquiring a familiarity with +metrical arrangement: as, + + "Approach, disdain, involuntary, tell." + +But this is dry work. It may be necessary to compose in this way just +at first, but in our opinion, there is a good and a bad taste to be +displayed even in writing nonsense verses; that is, verses which really +deserve that name. We recommend the young poet to make it his aim to +render his nonsense as perfect as---- + + +It {133}were manifestly culpable to make no mention, in a work of this +sort, of certain measures which are especially and essentially, of +a comic nature. Some of these have been already adverted to, but two +principal varieties yet remain to be considered. + +1. Measures taken from the Latin, in which the structure of the ancient +verse, as far as the number and arrangement of the feet are concerned, +is preserved, but the quantity of which is regulated in accordance with +the spirit of our own language. The character of such verses will be +best displayed by employing them on sentimental or serious subjects. +Take, for example, Long and Short, or Hexameter and Pentameter verses. + + "Jülïà, girl ôf my heart, ïs thàn jëssâmïne swëetër, ôr frësh mëads + Hày-côvër'd; whât rôse tints thôse ôn hër chëeks, thàt flôurish, + Approach? those bright eyes, what stars, what glittering dew-drops? + And oh! what Parian marble, or snow, that bosom? + If she my love return, what bliss will be greater than mine; but + What more deep sadness if she reprove my passion? + Either a bridegroom proud yon ivy-clad church shall receive me + Soon; or the cold church-yard me with its turf shall cover." + +Or the Sapphic metre of which the late Mr. Canning's "Knife-Grinder" is +so brilliant an example. Sappho, fair reader, was a poetess, who made +love-verses which could be actually scanned. History relates {134}that, +for the sake of some unprincipled or unfeeling fellow, she committed +_felo de se_. + + "I can endüre this crüël pain nô lôngër; + Fare ye well, blue skies, rivers, fields, and song-birds!' + Thus the youth spoke; and adding, + 'Oh, Jemima!' Plunged in the billow!" + +[Illustration: 143] + +2. Measures reducible to no rule, or Doggrel. Sternhold and Hopkins were +illustrious as Doggrel writers. + +Doggrel {135}is commonly used by anonymous poets for the purpose of +embodying the moral reflections which a homicide or an execution excites +in the sensitive mind. May we hope that our remarks on Prosody will in +some little degree tend to facilitate, perhaps to improve, the future +treatment of those two deeply interesting subjects--Love and Murder? + +[Illustration: 144] + + + + +CHAPTER III. PUNCTUATION. + +"Mind {136}your stops." This is one of the earliest maxims inculcated +by the instructors of youth. Hence it is clear that the subject of +Punctuation is an important one: but inasmuch as the reader, who has +arrived at the present page, has either not understood a word that he +has been reading, or else knows as much about the matter as we can tell +him, we fear that a long dissertation concerning periods, commas, and so +on, would only serve to embarrass his progress in learning with +useless stops. We shall, therefore, confine ourselves to that notice of +Punctuation, and that only, which the peculiar nature of our work may +require. + +First, it may be remarked, that the notes of admiration which we so +often hear in theatres, may be called notes of hand. Secondly, that +notes of interrogation are not at all like bank notes; although they are +largely uttered in Banco Regino. Let us now proceed with our subject. + +Punctuation is the soul of Grammar, as Punctuality is that of business. + +Perhaps somebody or other may take advantage of what we have said, to +prove both Punctuation and Punctuality immaterial. No matter. + +It {137}is both absurd and inconvenient to stand upon points. + +[Illustration: 146] + +Of how much consequence, however, Punctuation is, the student may form +some idea, by considering the different effects which a piece of poetry, +for instance, which he has been accustomed to regard as sublime or +beautiful, will have, when liberties are taken with it in that respect. + +Imagine an actor commencing Hamlet's famous soliloquy, thus: + +"To be; or not to be that is. The question," &c. + +Or {138}saying, in the person of Duncan, in Macbeth: + +"This castle hath a pleasant seat, the air." + +Or as the usurper himself, exclaiming, + +"The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon! + +Where got'st thou that goose? Look!" + +[Illustration: 147] + +Crying, as Romeo, + +"It is my lady O! It is my love!" + +Or in the character of Norval, in the tragedy of Douglas, giving this +account of himself and his origin: "My name is Norval. On the Grampian +hills My father feeds." + +We {139}have now said as much as we think it necessary to say on the +head of English Grammar. We shall conclude our labors with an "Address +to Young Students and as to the question, what that has to do with +our subject, we shall leave it to be settled by Lindley Murray, whose +example, in this respect, we follow. All we shall observe is, that in +our opinion, advice concerning manners stand in the same relation to a +Comic English Grammar, as instruction in morals does to a Serious one. +For the remarks which it will now be our business to make, we bespeak +the indulgence of our elder readers, and the attention of such as are of +tender age. + + + + +ADDRESS TO YOUNG STUDENTS. + +Young Gentlemen, + +Having attentively perused the foregoing pages, you will be desirous, it +is to be presumed, of carrying still farther those comical pursuits in +which, with both pleasure and profit to yourselves, you have been lately +engaged. Should such be your laudable intention, you will learn, with +feelings of lively satisfaction, that it is one, in the accomplishment +of which, thanks to Modern Taste, you will find encouragement at every +step. The literature of the day is professedly comic, and of the few +works which are not made ludicrous by the design of their authors, the +majority are rendered so in spite {140}of it. In the course of your +reading, however, you will be frequently brought into contact with +hack-ney-coachmen, cabmen, lackeys, turnkeys, thieves, lawyers' clerks, +medical students, and other people of that description, who are all very +amusing when properly viewed, as the monkeys and such like animals at +the Zoological Gardens are, when you look at them through the bars of +their cage. But too great familiarity with persons of this class is sure +to breed contempt, not for them and their manners, but for the usages +and modes of expression adopted in parlors and drawingrooms, that is to +say, in good society. Nay, it is very likely to cause those who indulge +in it to learn various tricks and eccentricities, both of behavior +and speech, for "It is certain, that either wise bearing or ignorant +carriage is caught, as men take diseases, one of another." Shakspere. + +Beset thus, as you will necessarily be, by perils and dangers in +your wanderings amid the fields of Comicality, you will derive great +advantage from knowing be-fore-hand what you are likely to meet with, +and what it will be incumbent on you to avoid. It is to furnish you with +this information that the following hints and instructions are intended. + +Be careful, when you hear yourself called by name, to reply "Here I am," +and not "Here you are," an error into which you are very likely to be +led by the perusal of existing authors. + +When you partake, if it be your habit to do so, of the beverage called +porter, drink it as you would water, or any other liquid. Do not wink +your eye, or nod sideways to your companion; such actions, especially +when preceded by blowing away the foam which col lects {141}on the top +of the vessel, being exceedingly inelegant: in order that you may not +be incommoded by this foam or froth, always pour the fluid gently into a +tumbler, instead of drinking it out of the metallic tankard in which it +is usually brought to you. + +In asking for malt liquor generally, never request the waiter to "draw +it mild and do not, on any occasion, be guilty of using the same phrase +in a metaphorical sense, that is to say, as a substitute for "Do it +quietly," + +"Be gentle," and the like. + +Never exhort young ladies, during a quadrille, to "fake away," or to +"flare up," for they, being unacquainted with the meaning of such terms, +will naturally conclude that it is an improper one. + +Avoid inquiries after the health of another person's mother, using that +word synonymously with Mamma, to denote a female parent. Though you may +be really innocent of any intention to be rude, your motives may very +possibly be misconstrued. Remember also on no account to put questions, +either to friends or strangers, respecting the quantity of soap in their +possession. + +Should it be necessary for you to speak of some one smoking tobacco, +do not call that substance a weed, or the act of using it "blowing a +cloud." + +When an acquaintance pays you a visit, take care, in rising to receive +him, not to appear to be washing your hands, and, should you be engaged +in writing at the time, place your pen on the table, or in the inkstand, +and not behind your ear. + +Observe, when your tailor comes to measure you, the way in which he +wears his hair, and should your own {142}style in this particular +unfortunate resemble his, be sure to alter it immediately. + +Never dance _â la cuisinière_, that is to say, do not cut capers. + +Eschew large shirt pins. + +Never say "Ma'am" or "Miss," in addressing a young lady, if you cannot +contrive to speak to her without doing so, say nothing. + +Never, under any circumstances, let the abbreviation "gent." for +gentleman, escape the enclosure of your teeth. Above all things, for the +sake of whatever you hold most dear, never say "me and another gent." + +When you receive a coin of any kind, deposit it at once in your pocket, +without the needless preliminary of furling it in the air. + +Never ask a gentleman how much he has a-year. + +In speaking of a person of your own age, or of an elderly gentleman, do +not say, Old So-and-so, but So-and-so, or Mr. So-and-so, as the case +may be: and have no nicknames for each other. We were much horrified +not long since, by hearing a great coarse fellow, in a leathern hat and +fustian jacket, exclaim, turning round to his companion, "Now, then, +come along, old Blokey!" + +When you have got a cold in the head and weak eyes, do not go and call +on young ladies. + +Do not eat gravy with a knife, for fear those about you should suppose +you to be going to commit suicide. + +In offering to help a person at dinner, do not say, "Allow me to +_assist_ you." When you ask people what wine they will take, never say, +"What'll you have?" or, "What'll you _do it in?_" + +If {143}you are talking to a clergyman about another member of the +clerical profession, adopt some other method of describing his avocation +than that of saying, "I believe he is in your line." + +Do not recommend an omelet to a lady, as a good _article_. + +Be cautious not to use the initial letter of a person's surname, in +mentioning or in addressing him. For instance, never think of saying, +"Mrs. Hobbs, pray, how is Mr. H.?" + +Call all articles of dress by their proper names. What delight can +be found by a thinking mind in designating a hat as a tile, trousers, +kickseys, a neckerchief, a fogle, or a choker; or a great coat, an upper +Benjamin? And never speak of clothes, collectively, as toggs or toggery. + +We here approach the conclusion of our labors. Young gentlemen, once +more it is earnestly requested that you will give your careful attention +to the rules and admonitions which have been above laid down for your +guidance. We might have given a great many more; but we hope that the +spirit of our instructions will enable the diligent youth to supply, +by observation and reflection, that which, for obvious reasons, we have +necessarily left unsaid. And now we bid you farewell. That you may never +have the misfortune of entering, with splashed boots, a drawing-room +full of ladies; that you may never, having been engaged in a brawl +on the previous evening, meet, with a black eye, the object of your +affections the next morning; that you may never, in a moment of +agitation, omit the aspirate, or use it when you ought not; that your +laundress may always {144}do justice to your linen; and your tailor make +your clothes well, and send them home in due time; that your braces may +never give way during a waltz; that you may never, sitting in a strong +light at a large dinner-party, suddenly remember that you have not +shaved for two days; that your hands and face may ever be free from tan, +chaps, freckles, pimples, brandy-blossoms, and all other disfigurements; +that you may never be either inelegantly fat, or ridiculously lean; and +finally, that you may always have plenty to eat, plenty to drink, and +plenty to laugh at, we earnestly and sincerely wish. And should your lot +in life be other than fortunate, we can only say, that we advise you to +bear it with patience; to cultivate Comic Philosophy; and to look upon +your troubles as a joke. + +[Illustration: 153] + + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's The Comic English Grammar, by Percival Leigh + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44802 *** |