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diff --git a/44802-8.txt b/44802-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 2353062..0000000 --- a/44802-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,4615 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Comic English Grammar, by Percival Leigh - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org - - -Title: The Comic English Grammar - A New And Facetious Introduction To The English Tongue - -Author: Percival Leigh - -Illustrator: John Leech - -Release Date: January 30, 2014 [EBook #44802] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page scans generously provided -by Google Books - - - - - - - - - -THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR: - -A NEW AND FACETIOUS INTRODUCTION TO THE ENGLISH TONGUE. - -By Percival Leigh - -Embellished with upwards of forty-five Characteristic Illustrations By -John Leech. - -1845. - - - - -PRELIMINARY DISCOURSE. - -Fashion {003}requires, and like the rest of her sex, requires because -she requires, that before a writer begins the business of his book, he -should give an account to the world of his reasons for producing it; and -therefore, to avoid singularity, we shall proceed with the statement of -our own, excepting only a few private ones, which are neither here nor -there. - -To advance the interests of mankind by promoting the cause of Education; -to ameliorate the conversation of the masses; to cultivate Taste, and -diffuse Refinement; these are the objects we have in view in submitting -a Comic English Grammar to the patronage of a discerning Public. - -Few persons there are, whose ears are so extremely obtuse, as not to -be frequently annoyed at the violations of Grammar by which they are so -often assailed. It is really painful to be forced, in walking along the -streets, to hear such phrases as, "That 'ere omnibus." - -"Where've you bin?" - -"Vot's the odds?" and the like. Very dreadful expressions are also used -by cartmen and others in addressing their horses. What can possibly -induce a human being to say "Gee woot!" - -"'Mather way!" or "Woa not to mention the atrocious "Kim aup!" of the -barbarous butcher's boy. - -It is notorious that the above and greater enormities are perpetrated -in spite of the number of Grammars already before the world. This fact -sufficiently excuses the present addition to the stock; and as serious -English Grammars have hitherto failed to effect the desired reformation, -we are induced to attempt it by means of a Comic one. - -With regard to the moral tendency of our labors, we may be here -permitted to remark, that they will tend, if successful, to the -suppression of _evil speaking _; and as the Spartans used to exhibit -a tipsy slave to their children with a view to disgust them with -drunkenness, so we, by giving a few examples here and there, of -incorrect phraseology, shall expose, in their naked deformity, the vices -of speech to the ingenious reader. - -The {004}comical mind, like the jaundiced eye, views everything -through a colored medium. Such a mind is that of the generality of our -countrymen. We distinguish even the nearest ties of relationship by -facetious names. A father is called "dad," or "poppa;" an uncle, "nunkey -and a wife, a "rib," or more pleasantly still, as in the advertisements -for situations, "an encumbrance." - -We will not allow a man to give an old woman a dose of rhubarb if he -have not acquired at least half a dozen sciences; but we permit a -quack to sell as much poison as he pleases. When one man runs away with -another's wife, and, being on that account challenged to fight a duel, -shoots the aggrieved party through the head, the latter is said to -receive _satisfaction_. - -We never take a glass of wine at dinner without getting somebody else to -do the same, as if we wanted encouragement; and then, before we venture -to drink, we bow to each other across the table, preserving all the -while a most wonderful gravity. This, however, it may be said, is the -natural result of endeavoring to keep one another in countenance. - -The way in which we imitate foreign manners and customs is very amusing. -Savages stick fish-bones through their noses; our fair countrywomen -have hoops of metal poked through their ears. The Caribs flatten -the forehead; the Chinese compress the foot; and we possess similar -contrivances for reducing the figure of a young lady to a resemblance to -an hour-glass or a devil-on-two-sticks. - -There being no other assignable motive for these and the like -proceedings, it is reasonable to suppose that they are adopted, as -schoolboys say, "for fun." - -We could go on, were it necessary, adducing facts to an almost unlimited -extent; but we consider that enough has now been said in proof of the -comic character of the national mind. And in conclusion, if any other -than an English or American author can be produced, equal in point of -wit, humor, and drollery, to Swift, Sterne, Dickens, or Paulding, we -hereby engage to eat him; albeit we have no pretensions to the character -of a "helluo librorum." - -"English {005}Grammar," according to Lindley Murray, "is the art of -speaking and writing the English language with propriety." - -The English language, written and spoken with propriety, is commonly -called the King's English. - -A monarch, who, three or four generations back, occupied the English -throne, is reported to have said, "If beebles will be boets, they must -sdarve." This was a rather curious specimen of "King's English." It -is, however, a maxim of English law, that "the King can do no wrong." -Whatever bad English, therefore, may proceed from the royal mouth, is -not "King's English," but "Minister's English," for which they alone-are -responsible. - -King's English (or perhaps, under existing circumstances it should -be called, _Queen's_ English) is the current coin of conversation, to -mutilate which, and unlawfully to _utter_ the same, is called _clipping_ -the King's English; a high crime and misdemeanor. Clipped English, or -bad English, is one variety of Comic {006}English, of which we shall -adduce instances hereafter. - -Slipslop, or the erroneous substitution of one word for another, as -"prodigy" for "protegee," "derangement" for "arrangement," "exasperate" -for "aspirate," and the like, is another. - -[Illustration: 015] - -Slang, which consists in cant words and phrases, as "dodge" for -"sly trick," "no go" for "failure," and "camey" "to flatter," may be -considered a third. - -Latinised English, or Fine English, sometimes assumes the character -of Comic English, especially when applied to the purposes of -common discourse; as {007}"Extinguish the luminary," "Agitate the -coramunicator," "Are your corporeal functions in a condition of -salubrity?" "A sable visual orb," "A sanguinary nasal protuberance." - -American English is Comic English in a "_pretty particular considerable -tarnation_" degree. - -English Grammar is divided into four parts-Orthography, Etymology, -Syntax, and Prosody; and as these are points that a good grammarian -always stands upon, he, particularly when a pedant, and consequently -somewhat _flat_, may very properly be compared to a table. - - - - -PART I. ORTHOGRAPHY. - - - - -CHAPTER I. OF THE NATURE OF THE LETTERS, AND OF A COMIC ALPHABET. - -Orthography is like a schoolmaster, or instructor of youth. It teaches -us the nature and powers of letters and the right method of spelling -words. - -Comic Orthography teaches us the oddity and absurdities of _letters_, -and the wrong method of spelling words. The following is an example of -Comic Orthography:-- - - islinton foteenth of my {008}Deer jemes febuary 1844. - - wen fust i sawed yu doun the middle and up agin att the bawl - i maid Up my Mind to skure you for my oan for i Felt at once - that my appiness was at Steak, and a sensashun in my Bussum - I coudent no ways accom For. And i said to mary at missis - Igginses said i theres the Mann for my money o ses Shee i - nose a Sweeter Yung Man than that Air Do you sez i Agin then - there we Agree To Differ, and we was sittin by the window - and we wos wery Neer fallin Out. my deer gemes Sins that - Nite i Ha vent slept a Wink and Wot is moor to the Porpus - i'Have quit Lost my Happy tight and am gettin wus and wus - witch i Think yu ort to pitty Mee. i am Tolled every Day - that ime Gettin Thinner and a Jipsy sed that nothin wood - Cure me But a Ring. - - i wos a Long time makin my Mind Up to right to You for of - Coarse i Says jemes will think me too forrad but this bein - Leep yere i thout ide Make a Plunge, leastways to aUThem as - dont Want to Bee old Mades all their blessed lives, so my - Deer Jemes if yow want a Pardoner for Better or for wus nows - Your Time dont think i Behave despicable for tis my Luv for - yu as makes Me take this Stepp. - - please to Burn this Letter when Red and excuse the scralls - and Blotches witch is Caused by my Teers i remain till deth - Yure on Happy Vallentine - - _jane you No who_. - - poscrip nex sunday Is my sunday out And i shall be Att the - corner of Wite Street at a quawter pas Sevn. {009} - - Wen This U. C. remember Mee j. g. - -[Illustration: 018] - -Now, to proceed with Orthography, we may remark, that a letter is the -least part of a word. - -Of a _comic letter_ an instance has already been given. Dr. Johnson's -letter to Lord Chesterfield is a capital letter. - -The letters of the Alphabet are the representatives of articulate -sounds. - -The Alphabet is a Republic of Letters. - -There {010}are many things in this world erroneously as well as vulgarly -compared to "bricks." In the case of the letters of the Alphabet, -however, the comparison is just; they constitute the fabric of a -language, and grammar is the mortar. The wonder is that there should be -so few of them. The English letters are twenty-six in number. There -is nothing like beginning at the beginning; and we shall now therefore -enumerate them, with the view also of rendering their insertion -subsidiary to mythological instruction, in conformity with the plan on -which some account of the Heathen Deities and ancient heroes is prefixed -or subjoined to a Dictionary. We present the reader with a form of -Alphabet composed in humble imitation of that famous one, which, while -appreciable by the dullest taste, and level to the meanest capacity, -is nevertheless that by which the greatest minds have been agreeably -inducted into knowledge. - - -THE ALPHABET. - -A, was Apollo, the god of the carol, - -B, stood for Bacchus, astride on his barrel; - -C, for good Ceres, the goddess of grist, - -D, was Diana, that wouldn't be kiss'd; - -E, was nymph Echo, that pined to a sound, - -F, was sweet Flora, with buttercups crown'd; - -G, was Jove's pot-boy, young Ganymede hight, - -H, was fair Hebe, his barmaid so tight; - -I, little Io, turn'd into a cow, - -J, jealous Juno, that spiteful old sow; - -K, was Kitty, more lovely than goddess or muse; - -L, Lacooon--I wouldn't have been in _his_ shoes! {011} - -M, was blue-eyed Minerva, with stockings to match, - -N, was Nestor, with grey beard and silvery thatch; - -O, was lofty Olympus, King Jupiter's shop, - -P, Parnassus, Apollo hung out on its top; - -Q, stood for Quirites, the Romans, to wit; - -R, for rantipole Roscius, that made such a hit; - -S, for Sappho, so famous for felo-de-se, - -T, for Thales the wise, F. R. S. and M. D: - -U, was crafty Ulysses, so artful a dodger, - -V, was hop-a-kick Vulcan, that limping old codger; - -Wenus-Venus I mean-with a W begins, - -(Veil, if I ham a Cockney, wot need of your grins?) - -X, was Xantippe, the scratch-cat and shrew, - -Y, I don't know what Y was, whack me if I do! - -Z was Zeno the Stoic, Zenobia the clever, - -And Zoilus the critic, whose fame lasts forever. - - -Letters are divided into Vowels and Consonants. - -The vowels are capable of being perfectly uttered by themselves. -They are, as it were, independent members of the Alphabet, and like -independent members elsewhere, form a small minority. The vowels are _a, -e, i, o, u_, and sometimes _w_ and _y_. - -An I. O. U. is a more pleasant thing to have, than it is to give. - -A blow in the stomach is very likely to W up. - -W is a consonant when it begins a word, as "Wicked - -Will Wiggins whacked his wife with a whip but in every other place it -is a vowel, as crawling, drawling, sawney, screwing, Jew. Y follows the -same rule. - -A consonant is an articulate sound; but, like an old bachelor, if it -exists alone, it exists to no purpose. - -[Illustration: 021] - -It {012}cannot be perfectly uttered without the aid of a vowel; and even -then the vowel has the greatest share in the production of the sound. -Thus a vowel joined to a consonant becomes, so to speak, a "better -half:" or at all events very strongly resembles one. - -A dipthong is the union of two vowels in one sound, as ea in heavy, eu -in Meux, ou in stout. - -A tripthong is a similar union of three vowels, as _eau_ in the word -beau; a term applied to dandies, and addressed to geese: probably -because they are birds of a feather. - -A proper dipthong is that in which the sound is formed by both the -vowels: as, aw in awkward, ou in lout. - -An {013}improper dipthong is that in which the sound is formed by one of -the vowels only, as ea in heartless, oa in hoax. - -According to our notions there are a great many improper dipthongs in -common use. By improper dipthongs we mean vowels unwarrantably dilated -into dipthongs, and dipthongs mispronounced, in defiance of good -English. - -For instance, the rustics and dandies say, - -"Loor! whaut a foine gaal! Moy oy!" - -"Whaut a precious soight of crows!" - -"As I was a cornin' whoam through the corn fiddles (fields) I met Willum -Jones." - -"I sor (saw) him." - -"Dror (draw) it out." - -"Hold your jor (jaw)." - -"I caun't. You shaun't. How's your Maw and Paw? Do you like taut -(tart)?" - -We have heard young ladies remark,-- - -"Oh, my! What a naice young man!" - -"What a bee--eautiful day!" - -"Im so fond of dayncing!" - -Again, dandies frequently exclaim,-- - -"I'm postively tiawed (tired)." - -"What a sweet tempaw! (temper)." - -"How daughty (dirty) the streets au!" - -And they also call,-- - -Literature, "literetchah." - -Perfectly, "pawfacly." - -Disgusted, "disgasted." - -Sky, "ske--eye." - -Blue, "ble--ew." - -We might here insert a few remarks on the nature of {014}the human -voice, and of the mechanism by means of which articulation is performed; -but besides our dislike to prolixity, we are afraid of getting _down in -the mouth_, and thereby going the _wrong way_ to please our readers. -We may nevertheless venture to invite attention to a few comical -peculiarities in connection with articulate sounds. - -Ahem! at the commencement of a speech, is a sound agreeably droll. - -The vocal comicalities of the infant in arms are exceedingly laughable, -but we are unfortunately unable to spell them. - -The articulation of the Jew is peculiarly ridiculous. The "peoplesh" are -badly spoken of, and not well spoken. - -Bawling, croaking, hissing, whistling, and grunting, are elegant vocal -accomplishments. - -Lisping, as, thweet, Dthooliur, thawming, kweechau, is by some -considered interesting, by others absurd. - -But of all the sounds which proceed from the human mouth, by far the -funniest are Ha! ha! ha!--Ho! ho! ho! and He! he! he! - -[Illustration: 023] - - - - -CHAPTER II. OF SYLLABLES. - -Syllable {015}is a nice word, it sounds so much like syllabub! - -A syllable, whether it constitute a word or part of a word, is a sound, -either simple or compound, produced by one effort of the voice, as, "O! -what, a lark!--Here, we, are!" - -Spelling is the art of putting together the letters which compose a -syllable, or the syllables which compose a word. - -[Illustration: 024] - -Comic spelling is usually the work of imagination. - -The {016}chief rule to be observed in this kind of spelling, is, to -spell every word as it is pronounced; though the rule is not universally -observed by comic spellers. The following example, for the genuineness -of which we can vouch, is one so singularly apposite, that although we -have already submitted a similar specimen of orthography to the -reader, we are irresistibly tempted to make a second experiment on his -indulgence. The epistolary curiosity, then, which we shall now proceed -to transcribe, was addressed by a patient to his medical adviser. - - "Sir, - - "My Granmother wos very much trubeld With the Gout and dide - with it my father wos also and dide with it when i wos 14 - years of age i wos in the habbet of Gettin whet feet Every - Night by pumping water out of a Celler Wich Cas me to have - the tipes fever wich Cas my Defness when i was 23 of age i - fell in the Water betwen the ice and i have Bin in the - habbet of Gettin wet when traviling i have Bin trubbeld with - Gout for seven years - - "Your most humbel - - "Servent - -Among the various kinds of spelling may be enumerated spelling for a -favor; or giving what is called a broad hint. - -Certain rules for the division of words into syllables are laid down -in some grammars, and we should be very glad to follow the established -usage, but limited as we are by considerations of comicality and space, -we {017}cannot afford to give more than two very general directions. If -you do not know how to spell a word, look it out in the dictionary, and -if you have no dictionary by you, write the word in such a way, that, -while it may be guessed at, it shall not be legible. - - - - -CHAPTER III. OF WORDS IN GENERAL. - -There is no one question that we are aware of more puzzling than this, -"What is your opinion of _things_ in general?" _Words_ in general are, -fortunately for us, a subject on which the formation of an opinion is -somewhat more easy. Words stand for things: they are a sort of counters, -checks, bank-notes, and sometimes, indeed, they are _notes_ for which -people get a great deal of money. Such words, however, are, alas! not -generally English words, but Italian. Strange! that so much should be -given for a mere song. It is quite clear that the givers, whatever may -be their pretensions to a refined or literary taste, must be entirely -unacquainted with _Words_worth. - -Fine words are oily enough, and he who uses them is vulgarly said to -"cut it fat;" but for all that it is well known that they will not -butter parsnips. - -Some say that words are but wind: for this reason, when people are -having words, it is often said, that "the wind's up." - -Different {018}words please different people. Philosophers are fond -of hard words; pedants of tough words, long words, and crackjaw words; -bullies, of rough words; boasters, of big words; the rising generation, -of slang words; fashionable people, of French words; wits, of sharp -words and smart words; and ladies, of nice words, sweet words, soft -words, and soothing words; and, indeed, of words in general. - -Words (when spoken) are articulate sounds used by common consent as -signs of our ideas. - -A word of one syllable is called a Monosyllable: as, you, are, a, great, -oaf. - -A word of two syllables is named a Dissyllable; as, cat-gut, mu-sic. - -A word of three syllables is termed a Trisyllable; as, Mag-net-ism, -Mum-mer-y. - -A word of four or more syllables is entitled a Polysyllable; as, -in-ter-mi-na-ble cir-cum-lo-cu-ti-on, ex-as-pe-ra-ted, func-ti-o-na-ry, -met-ro-po-li-tan, ro-tun-di-ty. - -Words of more syllables than one are sometimes comically contracted into -one syllable; as, in s'pose for suppose, b'lieve for believe, and 'scuse -for excuse: here, perhaps, 'buss, abbreviated from omnibus, deserves to -be mentioned. - -In like manner, many long words are elegantly trimmed and shortened; -as, ornary for ordinary, 'strornary for extraordinary, and curosity for -curiosity; to which mysterus for mysterious may also be added. - -Polysyllables are an essential element in the sublime, both in poetry -and in prose; but especially in that {019}species of the sublime which -borders very closely on the ridiculous; as, - - "Aldiborontiphoscophormio, - Where left's thou Chrononhotonthologos? - -[Illustration: 028] - -All words are either primitive or derivative. A primitive word is that -which cannot be reduced to any simpler word in the language; as, brass, -York, knave. A derivative word, under the head of which compound words -are also included, is that which may be reduced to another and a more -simple word in the English language; as, brazen, Yorkshire, knavery, -mud-lark, lighterman. Broadbrim is a derivative word; but it is one -often applied to a very _primitive_ kind of person. - - - - -PART II. ETYMOLOGY. - - - - -CHAPTER I. A COMICAL VIEW OF THE PARTS OF SPEECH. - -Etymology {020}teaches the varieties, modifications, and derivation of -words. - -The derivation of words means that which they come from _as words_; for -what they come from _as sounds_, is another matter. Some words come from -the heart, and then they are pathetic; others from the nose, in which -case they are ludicrous. The funniest place, however, from which words -can come is the stomach. By the way, the Mayor would do well to keep a -ventriloquist, from whom, at a moment's notice, he might ascertain the -voice of the corporation. - -Comic Etymology teaches us the varieties, modifications, and derivation, -of words invested with a comic character. - -Grammatically speaking, we say that there are, in English, as many sorts -of words as a cat is said to have lives, nine; namely, the Article, the -Substantive or Noun, the Adjective, the Pronoun, the Verb, the Adverb, -the Preposition, the Conjunction, and the Interjection. - -Comically speaking, there are a great many sorts of words which we have -not room enough to particularise j individually. We can therefore only -afford to classify them. For instance; there are words which are spoken -in {021}the _Low Countries_, and are _High Dutch_ to persons of quality. - -Words in use amongst all those who have to do with horses. - -Words that pass between rival cab-men. - -Words spoken in a state of intoxication. - -Words uttered under excitement. - -Words of endearment, addressed by parents to children in arms. - -Similar words, sometimes called burning, tender, soft, and broken words, -addressed to young ladies, and whispered, lisped, sighed, or drawled, -according to circumstances. - -Words of honor; as, tailors' words and shoemakers' words; which, like -the above-mentioned, or lovers' words, are very often broken. - -With many other sorts of words, which will be readily suggested by the -reader's fancy. - -But now let us go on with the parts of speech. - -1. An Article is a word prefixed to substantives to point them out, -and to show the extent of their meaning; as, _a_ dandy, _an_ ape, _the_ -simpleton. - -One kind of comic article is otherwise denominated an oddity, or queer -article. - -Another kind of comic article is often to be met with in some of our -monthly magazines. - -2. A Substantive or Noun is the name of anything that exists, or -of which we have any notion; as, _tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, -apothecary, ploughboy, thief._ - -Now the above definition of a substantive is Lindley Murray's, not ours. -We mention this, because we have an objection, though, not, perhaps, a -serious one, to {022}urge against it; for, in the first place, we have -"no notion" of impudence, and yet impudence is a substantive; and, in -the second, we invite attention to the following piece of Logic, - - A substantive is something, - But nothing is a substantive; - Therefore, nothing is something. - -A substantive may generally be known by its taking an article before it, -and by its making sense of itself; as, a _treat_, the _mulligrubs_, an -_ache_. - -3. An Adjective is a word joined to a substantive to denote its quality; -as a _ragged_ regiment, an _odd_ set. - -You may distinguish an adjective by its making sense with the word -thing: as, a _poor_ thing, a _sweet_ thing, a _cool_ thing; or with any -particular substantive, as a _ticklish_ position, an _awkward_ mistake, -a _strange_ step. - -4. A Pronoun is a word used in lieu of a noun, in order to avoid -tautology: as, "The man wants calves; _he_ is a lath; _he_ is a -walking-stick.'' - -5. A Verb is a word which signifies to be, to do, or to suffer: as, I -am; I calculate; I am fixed. - -A verb may usually be distinguished by its making sense with a personal -pronoun, or with the word to before it: as I yell, he grins, they caper; -or to drink, to smoke, to chew. - -Fashionable accomplishments! - -Certain substantives are, with peculiar elegance, and by persons who -call themselves _genteel_, converted into verbs: as, "Do you _wine?_" -"Will you _liquor?_" - -6. An Adverb is a part of speech which, joined to a verb, an adjective, -or another adverb, serves to express quality or circumstance concerning -it: as, "She swears {023}_dreadfully_; she is _incorrigibly_ lazy; and -she is _almost continually_ in liquor." - -7. An Adverb is generally characterised by answering to the question, -How?'how much? when? or where? as in the verse, "_Merrily_ danced the -Quaker's wife," the answer to the question, How did she dance? is, -merrily. - -8. Prepositions serve to connect words together, and to show the -relation between them: as, "Off _with_ his head, so much _for_ -Buckingham!" - -9. A Conjunction is used to connect not only words, but sentences also: -as, Smith _and_ Jones are happy _be~ cause_ they are single. A miss is -_as_ good _as_ a mile. - -[Illustration: 032] - -10. An {024}Interjection is a short word denoting passion or emotion: -as, '_Oh_, Sophonisba! Sophonisba, _oh!_" Pshaw! Pish! Pooh! Bah! Ah! -Au! Eughph! Yaw! Hum! Ha! Lauk! La! Lor! Heigho! Well! There! &c. - -[Illustration: 033] - -Among the foregoing interjections there may, perhaps, be some unhonored -by the adoption of genius, and unknown in the domains of literature. For -the present notice of them some apology may be required, but little will -be given; their insertion may excite astonishment, but their omission -would have provoked complaint: though unprovided with a Johnsonian title -to a place in the English vocabulary, they have long been recognised by -the popular voice; and let it be remembered, that as custom supplies the -defects of legislation, so that which is not sanctioned by magisterial -authority may nevertheless be justified by vernacular usage. - - - - -CHAPTER II. OF THE ARTICLES. - -The {025}Articles in English are two, _a_ and _the_; _a_ becomes -_an_ before a vowel, and before an _h_ which is not sounded: as, _an_ -exquisite, _an_ hour-glass. But if the _h_ be pronounced, the _a_ only -is used: as, _a_ homicide, _a_ homoepathist, _a_ hum. - -_A_ or _an_ is called the indefinite article, because it is used, in a -vague sense, to point out some one thing belonging to a certain kind, -but in other respects indeterminate; as, - - "A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse!" - -So say grammarians. Eating-house keepers tell a different story. A -cheese, in common discourse, means an object of a certain shape, size, -weight, and so on, entire and perfect; so that to call half a cheese a -cheese, would constitute a flaw in an indictment against a thief who had -stolen one. But a waiter will term a fraction, or a modicum of cheese, -a cheese; a plate-full of pudding, a pudding; and a stick of celery, _a -salary_. Here we are reminded of the famous exclamation of one of these -gentry:--"Sir! there's two teas and a brandy-and-water just sloped -without paying!" _The_ is termed the definite article, inasmuch as it -denotes what particular thing or things are meant as, - - "_The_ miller he stole corn, - _The_ weaver he stole yarn, - And the little tailor he stole broad-cloth - To keep the three rogues warm." - -A substantive to which no article is prefixed is taken in {026}a general -sense; as, "Applesauce is proper for goose that is, for all geese. - -[Illustration: 035] - -A few additional remarks may advantageously be made with respect to -the articles. The mere substitution of the definite for the indefinite -article is capable of changing entirely the meaning of a sentence. "That -is _a_ ticket" is the assertion of a certain fact; but "That is _the_ -ticket!" means something which is quite different. - -The article is not prefixed to a proper name; as, Stubbs, Wiggins, Brown -or Hobson, except for the sake of distinguishing a particular family, or -description of persons; as, He is _a_ Burke; that is, one of the Burkes, -or _a_ person resembling Burke. - -The {027}definite article is frequently used with adverbs in the -comparative and superlative degree: as, "_The_ longer I live, _the_ -taller, I grow or, as we have all heard the showman say, "This here, -gentlemen and ladies, {028}is the vonderful heagle of the sun; the -'otterer it grows, the higherer he flies!" - -[Illustration: 037] - - - - -CHAPTER III. - - - - -SECTION I. OF SUBSTANTIVES IN GENERAL. - -Substantives are either proper or common. - -Proper names, or substantives, are the names belonging to individuals: -as William, Birmingham. - -These are sometimes converted into nicknames, of improper names: as -Bill, Brummagem. - -Common names, or substantives, denote kinds containing many sorts, or -sorts containing many individual» under them: as brute, beast, bumpkin, -cherub, infant, goblin, &c. - -Proper names, when an article is prefixed to them, are employed as -common names: as, "They thought him a perfect _Chesterfield_; he quite -astonished the _Browns_." - -Common names, on the other hand, are made to denote individuals, by the -addition of articles or pronouns: as, - -"There was _a_ little man, and he had little gun." - -"_That_ boy will be the death of me!" - -Substantives are considered according to gender, number, and case; they -are all of the third person when spoken _of_, and of the second when -spoken _to_; {029}as, - - Matilda, fairest maid, who art - In countless bumpers toasted, - O let thy pity baste the heart - Thy fatal charms have roasted! - -[Illustration: 038] - - - - -SECTION II. OF GENDER. - -The distinction between nouns with regard to sex is called Gender. There -are three genders: the Masculine, the Feminine, and the Neuter. - -The masculine gender belongs to animals of the male kind: as, a fop, a -jackass, a boar, a poet, a lion. - -The feminine gender is peculiar to animals of the female kind: as, a -poetess, a lioness, a goose. - -The {030}neuter gender is that of objects which are neither males nor -females: as, a toast, a tankard, a pot, a pipe, a pudding, a pie, a -sausage, &c. &c. &c. - -We might go on to enumerate an infinity of objects of the neuter gender, -of all sorts and kinds; but in the selection of the foregoing examples -we have been guided by two considerations:-- - -1. The desire of exciting agreeable emotions in the mind of the reader. - -2. The wish to illustrate the following proposition, "That almost -everything nice is also neuter." - -Except, however, a nice young lady, a nice duck, and one or two other -nice things, which we do not at present remember. - -Some neuter substantives are by a figure of speech converted into the -masculine or feminine gender: thus we say of the sun, that when he -shines upon a Socialist, t he shines upon a thief; and of the moon, that -she affects the minds of lovers. - -[Illustration: 039] - -There {031}are certain nouns with which notions of strength, vigor, and -the like qualities, are more particularly connected; and these are the -neuter substantives which are figuratively rendered masculine. On the -other hand, beauty, amiability, and so forth, are held to invest words -with a feminine character. Thus the sun is said to be masculine, and the -moon feminine. But for our own part, and our view is confirmed by the -discoveries of astronomy, we believe that the sun is called masculine -from his supporting and sustaining the moon, {032}and finding her the -wherewithal to shine away as she does of a night, when all quiet people -are in bed; and from his being obliged to keep such a family of stars -besides. - -[Illustration: 040] - -The moon, we think, is accounted feminine, because she is thus -maintained and kept up in her splendor, like a fine lady, by her husband -the sun. Furthermore, the moon is continually changing; on which -account alone she might be referred to the feminine gender. The earth -is feminine, tricked out, as she is, with gems and flowers. Cities -and towns are likewise feminine, because there are as many windings, -turnings, and little odd corners in them as there are in the female -mind. A ship is feminine, inasmuch as she is blown about by every wind. -Virtue is feminine by courtesy. Fortune and misfortune, like mother -and daughter, are both feminine. The Church is feminine, because she -is married to the state; or married to the state because she is -feminine--we do not know which. Time is masculine, because he is so -trifled with by the ladies. - -The English language distinguishes the sex in three manners; namely, - -1. By different words; as, - - MALE. FEMALE. - - Bachelor Maid. - - Brother Sister. - - Wizard Father And several other - - Witch Mother, &c. - - Words we don't mention, - (Pray pardon the crime,) - Worth your attention, - But wanting in rhyme. - -2. By {033}a difference of termination; as, - - MALE. FEMALÉ. - - Poet Poetess. - - Lion Lioness, &c. - -3. By a noun, pronoun, or adjective being prefixed to the substantive; -as, - male. female. - - A cock-lobster A hen-lobster. - - A jack-ass A jenny-ass (vernacular.) - - A man-servant, A maid-servant, or flunkey. or Abigail. - - A male flirt (A common animal) A female flirt (A rare animal.) - -We have heard it said, that every Jack has his Jill. That may be; but it -is by no means true that every cock has his hen; for there is a - - Cock-swain, but no Hen-swain. - - Cock-eye, but no Hen-eye. - - Cock-ade, but no Hen-ade. - - Cock-atrice, but no Hen-atrice. - - Cock-horse, but no Hen-horse. - - Cock-ney, but no Hen-ney. - -Then we have a weather-cock, but no weather-hen; a tum-cock, but no -turn-hen; and many a jolly cock, but not one jolly hen; unless we except -some of those by whom their mates are pecked. - -Some words; as, parent, child, cousin, friend, neighbour, servant and -several others, are either male or female, according to circumstances. - -It is a great pity that our language is so poor in the terminations that -denote gender. Were we to say of a woman {034}that she is a rogue, a -knave, a scamp, or a vagabond, we feel that we should use, not only -strong but improper expressions. Yet we have no corresponding terms -to apply, in case of necessity, to the female. Why is this? Doubtless -because we never want them. For the same reason, our forefathers -transmitted to us the words, philosopher, astronomer, philologer, and -so forth, without any feminine equivalent. Alas! for the wisdom of our -ancestors! They never calculated on the March of Intellect. - - - - -SECTION III. OF NUMBER. - -Number is the consideration of an object as one or more; as, one poet, -two, three, four, five poets; and so on, ad infinitum. - -The singular number expresses one object only; as a towel, a viper. - -The plural signifies more objects than one; as, towels, vipers. - -Some nouns are used only in the singular number; dirt, pitch, tallow, -grease, filth, butter, asparagus, &c.; others only in the plural; as, -galligaskins, breeches, &c. - -Some words are the same in both numbers; as, sheep, swine, and some -others. - -The plural number of nouns is usually formed by adding _s_ to the -singular; as, dove, doves, love, loves, &c. - - Julia, dove returns to dove, - Quid pro quo, and love for love; - Happy in our mutual loves, - Let us live like turtle doves! - -[Illustration: 044] - -When, {035}however, the substantive singular ends in _x, ch softy sh, -ss, or s_, we add es in the plural. - - But remember, though box - In the plural makes boxes, - That the plural of ox - Should be _oxen_, not oxes. - - - - -SECTION IV. OF CASE. - -There is nearly as much difference between Latin and English -substantives, with respect to the number of cases pertaining to each, as -there is between a quack-doctor {036}and a physician; for while in Latin -sub-stantives have six cases, in English they have but three. But the -analogy should not be strained too far; for the fools in the world (who -furnish the quack with his cases) more than double the number of the -wise. - -[Illustration: 045] - -The cases of substantives are these: the Nominative, the Possessive or -Genitive, and the Objective or Accusative. - -The Nominative Case merely expresses the name of a thing, or the subject -of the verb: as, "The doctors differ;"--"The patient dies!" - -Possession, which is nine points of the law, is what is signified by the -Possessive Case. This case is distinguished by an apostrophe, with the -letter _s_ subjoined to it: as, My soul's idol!"--"A pudding's end." - -But {037}when the plural ends in _s_, the apostrophe only is retained, -and the other _s_ is omitted: as, "The Ministers' Step;"--"The Rogues' -March;"--"Crocodiles' tears--"Butchers' mourning." - -When the singular terminates in _ss_, the letter _s_ is sometimes, -in like manner, dispensed with: as, "For goodness' sake!"--"For -righteousness' sake!" Nevertheless, we have no objection to "Burgess's" -Stout. - -The Objective Case follows a verb active, and expresses the object of -an action, or of a relation: as "Spring beat Bill;" that is, Bill or -"William Neate." Hence, perhaps, the phrase, "I'll lick you _elegant_." -The Objective Case is also used with a preposition: as, "You are in a -mess." - -English substantives may be declined in the following manner: - - -SINGULAR. - - What is the nominative case - Of her who used to wash your face, - Your hair to comb, your boots to lace? - _A mother!_ - - What the possessive? - Whose the slap - That taught you not to spill your pap, - Or to avoid a like mishap! - _A mother's!_ - - And shall I the objective show? - What do I hear where'er I go? - How is your?--whom they mean I know, - _My mother!_ - - -PLURAL.{038} - - Who are the anxious watchers o'er - The slumbers of a little bore, - That screams whene'er it doesn't snore? - _Why, mothers!_ Whose pity wipes its piping eyes, - And stills maturer childhood's cries, - Stopping its mouth with cakes and pies? - _Oh! mother's!_ - - - And whom, when master, fierce and fell, - Dusts truant varlets' jackets well, - Whom do they, roaring, run and tell? - _Their mothers!_ - - - - -CHAPTER IV. OF ADJECTIVES. - - - - -SECTION I. OF THE NATURE OF ADJECTIVES AND THE DEGREES OF COMPARISON. - -An English Adjective, whatever may be its gender, number, or case, like -a rusty weathercock, never varies. Thus we say, "A certain cabinet; -certain rogues." But as a rusty weathercock may vary in being more or -less rusty, so an adjective varies in the degrees of comparison. - -The degrees of comparison, like the Genders, the Graces, the Fates, the -Kings of Cologne, the Weird Sisters, and many other things, are three; -the Positive, the Comparative, and the Superlative. - -The Positive state simply expresses the quality of an object; as, fat, -ugly, foolish. - -The Comparative degree increases or lessens the signification {039}of -the positive; as fatter, uglier, more foolish, less foolish. - -The Superlative decree increases or lessens the positive to the highest -or lowest degree; as fattest, ugliest, most foolish, least foolish. - -Amongst the ancients, Ulysses must have been the _fattest_, because -nobody could _compass_ him. - -Aristides the Just was the ugliest, because he was so very _plain_. - -The most _foolish_, undoubtedly, was Homer; for who was more _natural_ -than he? - -The positive becomes the comparative by the addition of _r_ or _er_; and -the superlative by the addition of _st_ or _est_ to the end of it; as, -brown, browner, brownest; stout, stouter, stoutest; heavy, heavier, -heaviest; wet, wetter, wettest. The adverbs more and most, prefixed to -the adjective, also form the superlative degree; as, heavy, more heavy, -most heavy. - -Monosyllables are usually compared by er and est, and dissyllables by -more and most; except dissyllables ending in y or in le before a mute, -or those which are accented on the last syllable; for these, like -monosyllables, easily admit of er and est. But these terminations are -scarcely ever used in comparing words of more than two syllables. - -We have some words, which, from custom, are irregular in respect of -comparison; as, good, better, best; bad, worse, worst, &c.; but the -Yankee's "notion" of comparison was decidedly funny; "My uncle's a -tarnation rogue; but I'm a tarnationer." - - - - -SECTION II. A FEW REMARKS ON THE SUBJECT OF COMPARISON. - -Lindley {040}Murray judiciously observes, that "if we consider the -subject of comparison attentively, we shall perceive that the degrees of -it are infinite in number, or at least indefinite:" and he proceeds to -say, "A mountain is larger than a mite; by how many degrees? How much -bigger is the earth than a grain of sand? By how many degrees was -Socrates wiser than Alci-biades? or by how many is snow whiter than -this paper? It is plain," quoth Lindley, "that to these and the like -questions no definite answers can be returned." - -No; but an impertinent one may. Ask the first news-boy you meet, any one -of these questions, and see if he does not immediately respond, 'Ax my -eye or, "As much again as half." - -But when quantity can be exactly measured, the degrees of excess may be -exactly ascertained. A foot is just twelve times as long as an inch; a -tailor is nine times less than a man. - -Moreover, to compensate for the indefiniteness of the degrees of -comparison, we use certain adverbs and words of like import, whereby -we render our meaning tolerably intelligible; as, "Byron was a _much -greater_ poet than Muggins." - -"Honey is _a great deal_ sweeter than wax." - -"Sugar is _considerably_ more pleasant than the cane." - -"Maria says, that Dick the butcher is _by far_ the most killing young -man she knows." - -The words very, exceedingly, and the like, placed before the positive, -give it the force of the superlative; and {041}this is called by some -the superlative of eminence, as distinguished from the superlative of -comparison. Thus, Very Reverend is termed the superlative of eminence, -although it is the title of a dean, not of a cardinal; and Most -Reverend, the appellation of an Archbishop, is called the superlative of -comparison. - -A _Bishop_, in our opinion, is _Most Excellent_. - -The comparative is sometimes so employed as to express the same -pre-eminence or inferiority as the superlative. For instance; the -sentence, "Of all the cultivators of science, the botanist is the most -crafty," has the same meaning as the following: "The botanist is more -crafty than any other cultivator of science." Why? some of our readers -will ask-- - -Because he is acquainted with all sorts of _plants._ - - - - -CHAPTER V. OF PRONOUNS. - -Pronouns or proxy-nouns are of three kinds; namely, the Personal, the -Relative, and the Adjective Pronouns. - -_Note_.--That when we said, some few pages back, that a pronoun was -a word used instead of a noun, we did not mean to call such words as -thingumibob, what-siname, what-d'ye-call-it, and the like, pronouns. - -And that, although we shall proceed to treat of the pronouns in the -English language, we shall have nothing to do, at present, with what -some people please to call pronoun-_ciation_. - - - - -SECTION I. OF THE PERSONAL PRONOUNS. - -"Mr. {042}Addams, don't be personal, Sir!" - -"I'm not, Sir." - -"You am, Sir!" - -"What did I say, Sir?--tell me that." - -"You reflected on my perfession, Sir; you said, as there was some people -as always stuck up for the cloth; and you insinnivated that certain -parties dined off goose by means of cabbaging fiom their customers. I -ask any gentleman in the room, if that an't personal. - -[Illustration: 051] {043} - -"Veil, Sir, vot I says I'll stick to." - -"Yes, Sir, like vax, as the saying is." - -"Wot d'ye mean by that, Sir?" - -"Wot I say, Sir!" - -"You 're a individual, Sir!" - -"You 're another, Sir!" - -"You 're no gentleman, Sir!" - -"You 're a humbug, Sir!" - -"You 're a knave, Sir!" - -"You 're a rogue, Sir!" - -"You 're a wagabond, Sir!" - -"You 're a willain, Sir!" - -"You 're a tailor, Sir!" - -"You 're a cobler, Sir!" (Order! order! chair! chair! &c. - -The above is what is called personal language. How many different things -one word serves to express in English! A pronoun may be as personal as -possible, and yet nobody will take offence at it. - -There are five Personal Pronouns; namely, I, thou, he, she, it; with -their plurals, we, ye or you, they. - -Personal Pronouns admit of person, number, gender, and case. - -Pronouns have three persons in each number. - -In the Singular; - -I, is the first person. - -Thou, is the second person. - -He, she, or it, is the third person. - -In the plural; - -We, is the first person. - -Ye or you, is the second person. - -They, is the third person. - -This {044}account of persons will be very intelligible when the -following Pastoral Fragment is reflected on: - -HE. - - I love thee, Susan, on my life: - Thou art the maiden for a wife. - He who lives single is an ass; - She who ne'èr weds a luckless lass. - It's tiresome work to live alone; - So come with me, and be my own. - -SHE. - - We maids are oft by men deceived; - Ye don't deserve to be believed; - You don't--but there's my hand--heigho! - They tell us, women can't say no! - -The speaker or speakers are of the first person; those spoken to, of the -second; and those spoken of, of the third. - -Of the three persons, the first is the most universally admired. - -The second is the object of much adulation and flattery, and now and -then of a little abuse. - -The third person is generally made small account of; and, amongst other -grievances, suffers a great deal from being frequently bitten about the -back. - -The Numbers of pronouns, like those of substantives, are, as we have -already seen, two; the singular and the plural. - -In addressing yourself to anybody, it is customary to use the second -person plural instead of the singular. This practice most probably arose -from a notion, that to be thought twice the man that the speaker was, -gratified the vanity of the person addressed. Thus, the {045}French put -a double Monsieur on the backs of their letters. - -Editors say "We," instead of "I," out of modesty. - -The Quakers continue to say "thee" and "thou," in the use of which -pronouns, as well as in the wearing of broad-brimmed hats and of -stand-up collars, they perceive a peculiar sanctity. - -Gender has to do only with the third person singular of the pronouns, -he, she, it. He is masculine; she is feminine; it is neuter. - -Pronouns have the like cases with substantives; the nominative, the -possessive, and the objective. - -Would that they were the hardest cases to be met with in this country! - -The personal pronouns are thus declined:-- - -===> See page image. - - CASE. FIRST PERSON SINGULAR. FIRST PERSON PLURAL. - - Nom. I We. - Poss. Mine Ours. - Obj. Me Us. - - - CASE. SECOND PERSON. SECOND PERSON. - - Nom. Thou Ye or you. - Poss. Thine Yours. - Obj. Thee You. - -Now the third person singular, as we before observed, has genders; and we -shall therefore decline it in a different way. Variety is charming. - -THIRD PERSON SINGULAR. - - CASE. MASC. FEM. NEUT. - Nom. He She It. - Poss. His Hers Its. - Obj. Him Her It. - - - CASE. PLURAL. - - Nom. They. - - Poss. Theirs. - - Obj. Them. - - -We {046}beg to inform thee, that the third person plural has no -distinction of gender. - - - - -SECTION II. OF THE RELATIVE PRONOUNS. - -The Pronouns called Relative are such as relate, for the most part, -to some word or phrase, called the antecedent, on account of its going -before: they are, _who_, _which_, and _that_: as, "The man who does not -drink enough when he can get it, is a fool: but he that drinks too much -is a beast." - -_What_ is usually equivalent to _that which_, and is, therefore, a kind -of compound relative, containing both the antecedent and the relative; -as, "You want what you'll very soon have!" that is to say, the thing -which you will very soon have. - -_Who_ is applied to persons, _which_ to animals and things without life; -as, "He is a gentleman who keeps a horse and lives respectably." To the -dog which pinned the old woman, they cried, '_Cosar!_'" - -That, as a relative, is used to prevent the too frequent repetition of -_who and which_, and is applied both to persons and things; as, He that -stops the bottle is a Cork man." - -"This is the _house that_ Jack built." - -Who is of both numbers; and so is an Editor; for, according to what we -observed just now, he is both singular and plural. Who, we repeat, is of -both numbers, and is thus declined:-- - -====> See Page Image - - -SINGULAR AND PLURAL. - -To despair shall I doom? Which, {047}that and what are indeclinable; -except that whose is sometimes used as the possessive case of which; - -"The roe, poor dear, laments amain, - -Whose sweet hart was by hunter slain." - -Who, which, and what, when they are used in asking questions, are called -Interrogatives; as, "Who is Mr. Walker?". "Which is the left side of a -round plum-pudding?" - -"What is the damage?" - -Those who, have made popular phraseology their study, will have -found that which is sometimes used for whereas, and words of like -signification; as in Dean Swift's "Mary the Cookmaid's Letter to Dr. -Sheridan:" - - "And now I know whereby you would fain make an excuse, - Because my master one day in anger call'd you a goose; - _Which_, and I am sure I have been his servant since October, - And he never called me worse than sweetheart, drunk or sober." - -What, or, to speak more improperly, wot, is generally substituted by -cabmen and hack-drivers for who; as, "The donkey wot wouldn't go." - -"The girl wot sweeps the crossing." - -That, likewise, is very frequently rejected by the vulgar, {048}who use -as in its place; as, "Them as asks shan't have any; and them as don't -ask don't want any." - - - - -SECTION III. OF THE ADJECTIVE PRONOUNS. - -Adjective pronouns partake of the nature of both pronouns and -adjectives. They may be subdivided into four sorts: the possessive, the -distributive, the demonstrative, and the indefinite. - -The possessive pronouns are those which imply possession or property. Of -these there are seven; namely, my, thy, his, her, our, your, their. - -The word self is added to possessives; as, myself, yourself, "Says I -to myself, says I." Self is also sometimes {049}used with personal -pronouns; as, himself, itself, themselves. His self is a common, but not -a proper expression. - -[Illustration: 057] - -The distributive are three; each, every, either; they denote the -individual persons or things' separately, which, when taken together, -make up a number. Each is used when two or more persons or things are -mentioned singly; as, "each of the Catos;" "each or the Browns." - -Every relates to one out of several; as, - -"Every mare is a horse, but every horse is not a mare." - -Either refers to one out of two; as, - - "When I between two jockeys ride, - I have a knave on either side." - -Neither signifies "not either;" as, "Neither of the Bacons was related -to Hogg." - -The demonstrative pronouns precisely point out the subjects to which -they relate; such are this and that, with their plurals these and those; -as, "This is a Hoosier lad; that is a Yankee school-master." - -This refers to the nearest person or thing, and to the latter or -last mentioned; that to the most distant, and to the former or first -mentioned; as, "This is a man; that is a nondescript." - -"At the period of the Reformation in Scotland, a curious contrast -between the ancient and modern ecclesiastical systems was observed; for -while that had been always maintained by a Bull, this was now supported -by a Knox" - -The indefinite are those which express their subjects in an indefinite -or general manner; as, some, other, any, one, all, such, &c. - -When the definite article the comes before the word other, {050}those -who do not know better, are accustomed to strike out the he in the, and -to say, t'other. - -The same persons also use other in the comparative degree; for -sometimes, instead of saying quite the reverse, or perhaps reverse, they -avail themselves of the expression more t'other. - -So much for the pronouns. - - - - -CHAPTER VI. OF VERBS. - - - - -SECTION I. OF THE NATURE OF VERBS IN GENERAL. - -The nature of Verbs in general, and that in all languages, is, that they -are the most difficult things in the Grammar. - -Verbs are divided into Active, Passive, and Neuter; and also into -Regular, Irregular, and Defective. To these divisions we beg to add -another; Verbs Comic. - -A Verb Active implies an agent, and an object acted upon; as, to love; -"I love Wilhelmina Stubbs." Here, I am the agent; that is, the lover; -and Wilhelmina Stubbs is the object acted upon, or the beloved object. - -A Verb Passive expresses the suffering, feeling, or undergoing of -something; and therefore implies an object acted upon, and an agent by -which it is acted upon; as, to be loved; "Wilhelmina Stubbs is loved by -me." - -A {051}Verb Neuter expresses neither action nor passion, but a state of -being; as, I bounce, I lie. - -"Gracious, Major!" - -[Illustration: 060] - - -Of Verbs Regular, Irregular, and Defective, we shall have somewhat to -say hereafter. - -Verbs Comic are, for the most part, verbs which cannot be found in -the dictionary, and are used to express ordinary actions in a jocular -manner; as, to "bolt," to "mizzle," which signify to go or to depart; to -"bone," to "prig," that is to say, to steal; to "collar," which means to -seize, an expression probably derived {052}from the mode of prehension, -or rather apprehension characteristic of the New Police, as it is one -very much in the mouths of those who most frequently come in contact -with that body: to "liquor,"'or drink; to "grub," or eat; to "sell," or -deceive, &c. - -Under the head of Verbs Comic, the Yankeeisms, I "calculate," I -"reckon," I "realise," I "guess," and the like, may also be properly -enumerated. - -Auxiliary, or helping Verbs (by the way we marvel that the New -Englanders do not call their servants auxiliaries instead of helps) -are those, by the help of which we are chiefly enabled to conjugate our -verbs in English. They are, do, be, have, shall, will, may, can, with -their variations; and let and must, which have no variation. - -Let, however, when it is _anything but a helping_ verb, as, for -instance, when it signifies to _hinder_, makes let-test and letteth. -The phrase, "This House to Let," generally used instead of "to be let," -meaning in fact, the reverse of what is intended to convey, is really a -piece of comic English. - -To verbs belong Number, Person, Mood, and Tense. These may be called -the properties of a verb; and like those of opium, they are soporiferous -properties. There are two very important objects which the writer of -every book has, or ought to have in view, to get a reader who is wide -awake, and to keep him so:--the latter of which, when Number, Person, -Mood, and Tense are to be treated of, is no such easy matter; seeing -that the said writer is then in some danger of going to sleep himself. -Never mind. If we nod, let the reader wink. What can't be cured must be -endured. - - - - -SECTION II. OF NUMBER AND PERSON. - -Verbs {053}have two numbers, the Singular and the Plural: as, "I fiddle, -we fiddle," &c. - -In each number there are three persons; as, - - SINGULAR. PLURAL. - - First Person I love We love. - - Second Person Thou lovest Ye or you love. - - Third Person He loves They love. - -What a deal there is in every Grammar about love! Here the following -Lines, by a Young Lady, (now no more,) addressed to Lindley Murray, -deserves to be recorded:-- - - "Oh, Murray! fatal name to me, - Thy burning page with tears is wet; - Since first 'to love' I learned of thee, - Teach me, ah! teach me to forget!'" - - - - -SECTION III. OF MOODS AND PARTICIPLES. - -Mood or Mode is a particular form of the verb, or a certain variation -which it undergoes, showing the manner in which the being, action, or -passion, is represented. - -The moods of verbs are five, the Indicative, the Imperative, the -Potential, the Subjunctive, and the Infinitive. - -The Indicative Mood simply points out or declares a thing: as, "He -teaches, he is taught or it asks a question: as, "Does he teach? Is he -taught?" - -Q. Why {054}is old age the best teacher? - -A. Because he gives you the most wrinkles. - -Q. Why does a rope support a rope-dancer? - -A. Because it is taught. - -The Imperative Mood commands, exhorts, entreats, or permits: as, "Vanish -thou; trot ye; let us hop; be off!" - -The Potential Mood implies possibility or liberty, power, will, or -obligation: as, "A waiter may be honest. Yuu may stand upon truth or -lie. I can filch. He would cozen. They should learn." - -The Subjunctive Mood is used to represent a thing as done conditionally; -and is preceded by a conjunction, expressed or understood, and -accompanied by another verb: as, "_If_ the skies should fall, larks -would be caught," - -"Were I to punch your head, I should serve you right:" that is, "_if_ I -were to punch your head." - - -The Infinitive Mood expresses a thing generally, without limitation, and -without any distinction of number or person: as, "to quarrel, to fight, -to be licked." - -The Participle is a peculiar form of the verb, and is so called, because -it participates in the properties both of a verb and of an adjective: -as, "May I have the pleasure of _dancing_ with you?" - -"_Mounted_ on a tub he addressed the bystanders." - -"_Having_ uplifted a stave, they departed." - -The Participles are three; the Present or Active, the Perfect or -Passive, and the Compound Perfect: as, "I felt nervous at the thought -of _popping_ the question, but that once _popped_, I was not sorry for -_having popped_ it." - -The {055}worst of _popping_ the question is, that the _report_ is always -sure to get abroad. - - - - -SECTION IV. OF THE TENSES. - -Tense is the distinction of time, and consists of six divisions, namely, -the Present, the Imperfect, the Perfect, the Pluperfect, and the First -and Second Future Tenses. - -Time is also distinguished by a fore-lock, scythe, and hour-glass; but -the youthful reader must bear in mind, that these things are not to be -confounded with tenses. - -[Illustration: 064] - -The {056}Present Tense, as its name implies, represents an action or -event occurring at the present time: as "I lament; rogues prosper; the -mob rules." - -The Imperfect Tense represents a past action or event, but which, like a -mutton chop, may be either thoroughly done, or not thoroughly done; were -it _meet_, we should say, _under-done_: as, - -"When I was a little boy some fifteen years ago, - -My mammy doted on me--Lork! she made me quite a show." - -"When our reporter left, the Honorable Gentleman was still on his legs." - -The legs of most "Honorable Gentlemen" must be tolerably stout ones; -for the "majority" do not stand on trifles. However, we are not going -to commit ourselves, like some folks, nor to get committed, like other -folks; so we will leave "Honorable Gentlemen" to manage matters their -own way. - -The Perfect Tense declares a thing to have been done at some time, -though an indefinite one, antecedent to the present time. That, however, -which the Perfect Tense represents as done, is completely, or, as we -say of a green one, when he is humbugged by the thimble-rig people, -regularly done; as, "I have been out on the river." - -"I have caught a crab." Catching a crab is a thing regularly (in another -sense than completely) done, when civic swains pull young ladies up -to Richmond. We beg to inform persons unacquainted with aquatic -phraseology, that "pulling up" young ladies, or others, is a very -different thing from "pulling up" an omnibus conductor or a cabman. -What an equivocal language is ours! How much less agreeable {057}to be -"pulled up" at the Police office than to be "pulled up" in a row-boat! -how wide the discrepancy between "pulling up" radishes and "pulling up" -horses! - -The Pluperfect Tense represents a thing as doubly past; that is, as past -previously to some other point of time also past; as, "I fell in love -before I _had arrived_ at years of discretion." - -[Illustration: 066] - -The First Future Tense represents the action as yet to come, either at -a certain or an uncertain time; as, "The tailor _will send_ my coat home -to-morrow; and when I find it perfectly convenient, I _shall pay_ him." -The Second Future intimates that the action will be completed {058}at -or before the time of another future action or event; as, "I wonder how -many conquests I _shall have made_ by to-morrow morning." - -N. B. One ball is often the means of killing a great many people. - -The consideration of the tenses suggests various moral reflections to -the thinking mind. A couple of examples will perhaps suffice;-- - -1. _Present_, though moderate fruition, is preferable to splendid, but -contingent futurity; i. e. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. - -2. _Imperfect_ nutrition is less to be deprecated than privation of -aliment;--a new way of putting an old proverb, which we need not again -insert, respecting half a loaf. - - - - -SECTION V. THE CONJUGATION OF THE AUXILIARY VERBS TO HAVE AND TO BE. - -We have observed that boys, in conjugating verbs, give no indications of -delight, except that which an ingenious disposition always feels in -the acquisition of knowledge. Now, having arrived at that part of the -Grammar in which it becomes necessary that these same verbs should be -considered, we feel ourselves in an awkward dilemma. The omission of the -conjugations is a _serious_ omission--which, of course, is objectionable -in a _comic_ work--and the insertion of them would be equally serious, -and therefore quite as improper. What _shall_ we do? We will adopt a -middle course; referring the reader to Murray and other talented authors -for full information on these matters; and requesting him to be content -with our confining ourselves {059}to what is more especially suitable to -these pages--a glance at the _Comicalities_ of verbs. - - If being a youngster I had not been smitten, - Of having been jilted I should not complain, - Take warning from me all ye lads who are bitten, - When this part of Grammar occurs to your brain. - -As there is a certain _intensity_ of feeling abroad, which renders -people indisposed to trouble themselves with verbal matters, we shall -take the liberty of making very short work of the Regular Verbs. Even -Murray can only afford to conjugate one example,--To Love. The learner -must amplify this part of the Grammar for himself: and we recommend him -to substitute for "to love," some word less harrowing to a sensitive -mind: as, "to fleece, to tax," verbs which excite disagreeable emotions -only in a sordid one; and which also, by association of ideas, conduct -us to useful reflections on Political Economy. We advise all whom it -may concern, however, to pay the greatest attention to this part of the -Grammar, and before they come to the Verbs Regular, to make a particular -study of the Auxiliary Verbs: not only for the excellent reasons set -forth, in "Tristram Shandy," but also to avoid those awkward mistakes -in which the Comicalities of the Verbs, or Verbal Comicalities, chiefly -consist. - -"Did it rain to-morrow?" asked Monsieur Grenouille. - -"Yes it was!" replied Monsieur Crapaud. - -We propose the following as an _auxiliary mode_ of conjugating -verbs:--"I love to roam on the crested foam, Thou lovest to roam on the -crested foam, He loves to roam on the crested foam, We love to roam on -the {060}crested foam, Ye or you love to roam on the crested foam, They -love to roam on the crested foam," &c. - -The Auxiliary Verbs, too, are very useful when a peculiar emphasis is -required: as, "I shall give you a drubbing!" - -"Will you?" - -"I know a trick worth two of that." - -"Do you, though?" - -"It might" as the Quaker said to the Yankee, who wanted to know what his -name might be; "it might be Beelzebub, but it is not." - -[Illustration: 069] - -Now we may as well say what we have to say about the conjugation of -regular verbs active. - - - - -SECTION VI. THE CONJUGATION OF REGULAR VERBS ACTIVE. - -Regular Verbs Active are known by their forming their imperfect tense of -the indicative mood, and their perfect participle, by adding to the verb -ed, or d only when the verb ends in e: as, - - PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. PARTICPL. - - I reckon I reckoned. Reckoned. - - I realise. I realised. Realised. - -Here {061}should follow the conjugation of the regular active verb, -To Love; but we have already assigned a good reason for omitting it; -besides which we have to say, that we think it a verb highly unfit for -conjugation by youth, as it tends to put ideas into their heads which -they would otherwise never have thought of; and it is moreover our -opinion, that several of our most gifted poets may, with reason, have -attributed the so unfortunate attachments which, though formed in early -youth, served to embitter their whole lives, to the poison which they -thus sucked in with the milk, so to speak, of their Mother Tongue, the -Grammar. - -[Illustration: 070] - -We shall therefore dismiss Cupid, and he must look for other lodgings. - - -PASSIVE. - -Verbs {062}Passive are said to be regular, when their perfect participle -is formed by the addition of d, or ed to the verb: as, from the verb "To -bless," is formed the passive, "I am blessed, I was blessed, I shall be -blessed," &c. - -The conjugation of a passive verb is nothing more than the repetition of -that of the auxiliary To Be, the perfect participle being added. - -And now, having cut the regular verbs (as Alexander did the Gordian -knot) instead of conjugating them, let us proceed to consider the - - - - -SECTION VII. IRREGULAR VERBS - -Irregular Verbs are those of which the imperfect tense and the perfect -participle are _not_ formed by adding _d or ed_ to the verb: as, - - - PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERFECT PART - - I blow. I blew. blown. - -To say I am blown, is, under certain circumstances, such as windy and -tempestuous weather, proper enough; but I am blowed, it will at once be -perceived, is not only an ungrammatical, but also a vulgar expression. - -Great liberties are taken with the Irregular Verbs, insomuch that in the -mouths of some persons, divers of them become doubly irregular in -the formation of their participles. Among such Irregular Verbs we may -enumerate the following:-- - -PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. OR PASS. PART. - -Am wur bin. - -Burst bust busted. {063} - -PRESENT. IMPERFECT. PERF. OR PASS. PART. - -==> See Page Scan - - - - -SECTION VIII. OF DEFECTIVE VERBS. - -Most men have five senses, - -Most verbs have six tenses; - -But as there are some folks Who are blind, deaf, or dumb folks, - -Just so there are some verbs Defective, or rum verbs, which are used -only in some of their moods and tenses. - -===> See Page Scan - - - - -CHAPTER VII. OF ADVERBS. - -Having {064}as great a dislike as the youngest of our readers can have -to repetitions, we shall not say what an adverb is over again. It is, -nevertheless, right to observe, that some adverbs are compared: as, far, -farther, farthest; near, nearer, nearest. In comparing those which end -in ly, we use more and most: as, slowly, more slowly, most slowly. - -There are a great many adverbs in the English Language: their number is -probably even greater than that of abusive epithets. They are divisible -into certain classes; the chief of which are Number, Order, Place, -Time, Quantity, Manner or Quality, Doubt, Affirmation, Negation, -Interrogation, and Comparison. - -A nice little list, truly! and perhaps some of our readers may suppose -that we are going to exemplify it at length: if so, all we can say with -regard to their expectation is, that we wish they may get it gratified. -In the meantime, we will not turn our Grammar into a dictionary, to -please anybody. However, we have no objection to a brief illustration -of the uses and properties of adverbs, as contained in the following -passage:-- - -"Formerly, when first I began to preach and to teach, whithersoever -I went, the little boys followed me, and now and then pelted me with -brick-bats, as heretofore they pelted Ebenezer Grimes. And whensoever I -opened my mouth, straightways the ungodly began to crow. Oftentimes -was I hit in the mouth with an orange: yea, and once, moreover, with -a rotten egg: whereat {065}there was much laughter, which, -notwithstanding, I took in good part, and wiped my face and looked -pleasantly. For peradventure I said, they will listen to my sermon; yea, -and after that we may have a collection. So I was nowise discomfited; -wherefore I advise thee, Brother Habakkuk, to take no heed of thy -persecutors, seeing that I, whereas I was once little better off than -thyself, have now a chapel of mine own. And herein let thy mind be -comforted, that, preach as much as thou wilt against the Bishop, -thou wilt not, therefore, in these days, be in danger of the pillory. -Howbeit," &c. - -Vide Life of the late pious and Rev. Samuel Simcox (letter to Habakkuk -Brown.) - - - - -CHAPTER VIII. OF PREPOSITIONS. - -Prepositions are, for the most part, put before nouns and pronouns: as, -"out of the frying-pan into the fire." - -The preposition of is sometimes used as a part of speech of peculiar -signification, and one to which no name has as yet been applied: as, -"What you been doing of?" - -At and up are not rarely used as verbs, but we should scarcely have been -justified in so classing them by the authority of any polite writer; -such use of them being confined to the vulgar: as, "Now then, Bill, at -him again." - -"So she upped with her fists, and fetched him a whop." - -After is improperly pronounced arter, and against, agin: {066}as, -"Hallo! Jim, vot are you arter? don't you know that ere's agin the Law?" - - - - -CHAPTER IX. OF CONJUNCTIONS.. - -A Conjunction means literally, a union or meeting together. - -[Illustration: 075] - -An ill-assorted marriage is A COMICAL CONJUNCTION. - -But {067}our conjunctions are used to connect words and sentences, and -have nothing to do with the joining of hands. They are chiefly of two -sorts, the Copulative and Disjunctive. - -The Copulative Conjunction is employed for the connection or -continuation of a sentence: as, "Jack and Gill went up the Hill," - -"I will sing a song if Gubbins will." - -"A thirsty man is like a Giant because he is a Grog for drink." - -The Conjunction Disjunctive is used not only for purposes of connection, -but also to express opposition of meaning in different degrees: as, "We -pay less for our letters, but shall have to pay more for our coats: they -have lightened our postage, but they will increase our taxes. - -Conjunctions are the hooks and eyes of Language, in which, as well as in -dress, it is very possible to make an awkward use of them: as, "For if -the year consist of 365 days 6 hours, and January have 31 days, then the -relation between the corpuscular theory of light and the new views of -Mr. Owen is at once subverted: for 'When Ignorance is bliss, 'tis -folly to be wise because 1760 yards make a mile; and it is universally -acknowledged that 'war is the madness of many for the gain of a few -therefore Sir Isaac Newton was right in supposing the diamond to be -combustible." The Siamese twins, it must be admitted, form a singular -conjunction. - -A tin pot fastened to a dog's tail is a disagreeable conjunction to the -unfortunate animal. - -A happy pair may be regarded as an uncommon conjunction. - -The {068}word as, so often used in this and other Grammars, is a -conjunction: as, "Mrs. A. is as well as can be expected." - -[Illustration: 077] - - - - -CHAPTER X. OF DERIVATION. - -Those who know Latin, Greek, Saxon, and the other languages from which -our own is formed, do not require to {069}be instructed in philological -derivation; and on those who do not understand the said tongues, such -instruction would be thrown away. In what manner English words are -derived, one from another, the generality of persons know very well: -there are, however, a few words and phrases, which it is expedient to -trace to their respective sources; not only because such an exercise is -of itself delightful to the inquiring mind; but because we shall thereby -be furnished (as we hope to show) with a test by means of which, on -hearing an expression for the first time, we shall be able, in most -instances, to decide at once respecting its nature and quality. - -These words, of which many have but recently come into vogue, which, -though by no means improper or immoral, are absolutely unutterable in -any polite assembly. It is not, at first, very easy to see what can be -the objection to their use; but derivation explains it for us in the -most satisfactory manner. The truth is, that the expressions in question -take their origin from various trades and occupations, in which they -have for the most part, a literal meaning; and we now perceive what -horrible suspicions respecting one's birth, habits, and education, their -figurative employment would be likely to excite. To make the matter -indisputably clear, we will explain our position by a few examples. - -{070} - -WORDS AND PHRASES. WHAT DERIVED FROM. - - To be done, Cooks. - To be done brown, Ditto. - A sell, (a cheat,) Jews. - To lather (to beat,) Barbers. - To strap (ditto,) Cobblers. - To hide (ditto,) Curriers. - Spicy (showy,) Grocers. - To hang out (to dwell,) Publicans. - Swamped (ruined,) Watermen. - To put one's oar in (to - interfere,) Ditto. - Mahogany (for table,) Upholsterers. - Dodge (trick,) Pickpockets. - To bung up an eye, Brewers. - To chalk down, Publicans. - A close shaver (a miser,) Barbers. - To be off your feed, Ostlers. - Hold hard (stop,) Omnibus-men. - -Numerous examples, similar to the foregoing, will, no doubt, present -themselves, in addition, to the mind of the enlightened student. We have -not, however, quite done yet with our remarks on this division of our -subject. The intrinsic vulgarity of all modes of speech which may -be traced to mean or disreputable persons, will, of course, not be -questioned. But--and as we have got hold of a nice bone, we may as well -get all the marrow we can out of it--the principle which is now under -consideration has a much wider range than is apparent at first sight. - -Now we will suppose a red-hot lover addressing the goddess of his -idolatry--by the way, how strange it is, that these goddesses should be -always having their temples {071}on fire, that a Queen of Hearts should -ever be seated on a burning throne!--but to return to the lover: he -was to say something. Well, then, let A. B. be the lover. He expresses -himself thus: - -"Mary, my earthly hopes are centred in you. You need not doubt me; my -heart is true as the dial to the sun. Words cannot express how much I -love you. Nor is my affection an ordinary feeling: it is a more exalted -and a more enduring sentiment than that which bears it name. I have -done. I am not eloquent: I can say no more, than that I deeply and -sincerely love you." - -This, perhaps, will be regarded by connoisseurs as tolerably pathetic, -and for the kind of thing not very ridiculous. Now, let A. S. S. be the -lover: and let us have his version of the same story:-- - -"Mary, my capital in life is invested in you. You need not stick at -giving me credit; my heart is as safe as the bank. The sum total of my -love for you defies calculation. Nor is my attachment anything in the -common way. It is a superior and more durable article than that in -general wear. My stock of words is exhausted. I am no wholesale dealer -in that line. All I can say is, that I have a vast fund of unadulterated -affection for you." - -In this effusion the Stock Exchange, the multiplication table, and the -dry goods and grocer's shops have been drawn upon for a clothing to the -suitor's ideas; and by an unhappy choice of words, the most delightful -and amiable feelings of our nature, without which life would be a desert -and man a bear, are invested with a ridiculous disguise. - -We would willingly enlarge upon the topic which we have {072}thus -slightly handled, but that we feel that we should by so doing, -intrench too far on the boundaries of Rhetoric, to which science, more -particularly than to Grammar, the consideration of Metaphor belongs; -besides which, it is high time to have done with Etymology. - - - - -PART III. SYNTAX. - -"Now then, reader, if you are quite ready, we are.--All right! * * * *" - -The asterisks are intended to stand for a word used in speaking to -horses. Don't blush, young ladies; there's not a shadow of harm in it: -but as to spelling it, we are as unable to do so as the ostler's boy -was, who was thrashed for his ignorance by his father. - -"Where are we now, coachman?" - -"The third part of Grammar, Sir, wot treats of the agreement and -construction of words in a sentence." - -"Does a coachman say _wot_ for _which_ because he has a licence?" - -"Can't say, Ma'am?" - -"Drive on, coachman." - -And we must drive on, or boil on, or whatever it is the fashion to call -getting on in these times. - -A {073}sentence is an aggregate of words forming a complete sense. - -Sentences are of two kinds, simple and compound. A simple sentence has -in it but one subject and one finite verb; that is, a verb to which -number and person belong: as, "A joke is a joke." - -A compound sentence consists of two or more simple sentences connected -together: as, "A joke is a joke, but a ducking is no joke. Corpulence is -the attribute of swine, mayors, and oxen." - -Simple sentences may be divided (if we choose to take the trouble) -into the Explicative or explaining; the Interrogative, or asking; the -imperative, or commanding. - -An explicative sentence is, in other words, a direct assertion: as, -"Sir, you are impertinent."--_Johnson_. - -An interrogative sentence "merely asks a question:" as, "Are you a -policeman? How's your Inspector?" An imperative sentence is expressive -of command, exhortation, or entreaty; as, "Shoulder arms!" - -"Turn out your toes!" - -"Charge bayonets!" - -A phrase is two or more words properly put together, making either a -sentence or part of a sentence: as, "Good morning!" - -"Your most obedient!" - -Some phrases consist of two or more words improperly put together: these -are improper phrases: as, "Now then, old stupid!" - -"Stand out of the sunshine!" Other phrases consist of words put together -by ladies: as, "A duck of a man," -"A love of a shawl," -"so nice," -"quite refreshing," -"sweetly pretty." -"Did you ever?" -"No I never!" - -[Illustration: 083] - -Other phrases again consist of French and English words put together -by people of quality, because their knowledge {074}of both languages is -pretty nearly equal: as, "I am au désespoir," - -"mis hors de combat," - -"quite ennuyé," or rather in nine cases out of ten, "ennuyeé,"--"I have -a great envié" to do so and so. These constitute an important variety of -comic English. - -If you want to know what subjects and objects are, you should go to the -Morgue at Paris. But in Grammar-- - -The subject is the thing chiefly spoken of; the attribute is that which -is affirmed or denied of it; and the object is the thing affected by -such action. - -The {075}nominative denotes the subject, and usually goes before the -verb or attribute; and the word or phrase, denoting the object, follows -the verb; as, "The flirt torments her lover." Here, a flirt is the -subject; torments, the attribute or thing affirmed; and her lover, the -object. - -[Illustration: 084] - -It strikes us, though, that we are somewhat digressing from our subject, -namely Syntax, which, - -Principally {076}consists of two parts (which the flirt does not, for -she is all body and no soul) Concord and Government. - -Concord is the agreement which one word has with another, in gender, -number, case or person. - -Note.--That a want of agreement between words does not invalidate -_deeds_. We apprehend that such an engagement as the following, properly -authenticated, would hold good in law. - - I ose Jon stubs too hunder dollar for valley reseved an - promis to pay Him Nex Sattaday - - Signed Willum Gibs is x Mark - - March 18, 1844. - -Also that a friend of ours, to whom the following bill was sent, could -not have refused to discharge it on the score of its incorrect grammar. - -==> See Page Scan - - -Government {077}is that power which one part of speech has over another, -in directing its mood, tense, or case. - -Government is also that power, of which, if the Agrarians have their -way, we shall soon see very little in this country. - -Hurrah! - -No taxes! - -No army! - -No navy! - -No parsons! - -No lawyers! - -No Congress! - -No Legislature! - -No anything! - -No nothing! - -To produce the agreement and right disposition of words in a sentence, -the following rules (and observations?) should be carefully studied. - - -RULE I. - -A verb must agree with its nominative case in number and person: as "I -perceive." - -"Thou hast been to Boston." - -"Apes chatter." - -"Frenchmen gabble." - -Certain liberties are sometimes taken with this rule: as, "I own I likes -good beer." - -"You'm a fine fellow, aint yer?" Such modes of speaking are adopted by -those who neither know nor care anything about grammatical correctness: -but there are other persons who care a great deal about it, but -unfortunately do not know what it consists in. Such folks are very fond -of saying, "How it rain!" - -"It fit you very well." - -"He say he think it very unbecoming." - -"I were gone before you {078}was come," and so forth, in which forms of -speech they perceive a peculiar elegance. - -The infinitive mood, or part of a sentence, is sometimes used as the -nominative case to the verb: as, "to be good is to be happy which is -as grammatical an assertion as "Toby Good is Toby Happy;" and rather -surpasses it in respect of sense. "That two pippins are a pair, is a -proposition which no man in his senses will deny." - - "To be a connoisseur in boots, - To hate all rational pursuits, - To make your money fly, as though - Gold would as fast as mushrooms grow; - To haunt the Opera, save whene'er - There's anything worth hearing there; - To smirk, to smile, to bow, to dance, - To talk of what they eat in France, - To languish, simper, sue, and sigh, - And stuff her bead with flattery; - Are means to gain that worthless part, - A fashionable lady's heart." - -Here are examples enough, in all conscience, of infinitive moods serving -as nominative oases. - -All verbs, save only in the infinitive mood or participle, require a -nominative case either expressed or understood: as, "Row with me down -the river," that is "Row thou, or do thou row." - - "Come where the aspens quiver," - "come thou, or do thou come." - "Fly not yet;" - "fly not thou, or do not thou fly." - "Pass the ruby;" - "Pass thou, or do thou pass the ruby" (not the Rubicon. - -A {079}well known popular song affords an example of the violation of -this rule. - -"Ven as the Captain comed for to hear on't, Wery much applauded vot -she'd done." - -[Illustration: 088] - -The verb applauded has here no nominative case, whereas it ought to have -been governed by the pronoun he. "He very much applauded," &c. - -Every nominative case, except when made absolute, or used, like the -Latin Vocative, in addressing a person, should belong to some verb, -implied if not expressed. A beautiful example of this grammatical maxim, -{080}and one, too, that explains itself, is impressed upon the mind very -soon after its first introduction to letters: as, - - "Who kill'd Cock Robin? - I said the sparrow, - With my bow and arrow; - I kill'd Cock Robin." - -Of the neglect of this rule also, the ballad lately mentioned presents -an instance: as, - - "Four-and-twenty brisk young fellows - Clad in jackets, blue array,-- - And they took poor Billy Taylor - From his true love all avay." - -The only verb in these four lines is the verb took, which is governed -by the pronoun they. The four-and-twenty brisk young fellows, therefore, -though undeniably in the nominative, have no verb to belong to: while, -at the same time, whatever may be thought of their behavior to Mr. -William Taylor, they are certainly not absolute in point of case. - -When a verb comes between two nouns, either of which may be taken as -the subject of the affirmation, it may agree with either of them: as, -"Two-and-six-pence is half-a-crown." Due regard, however, should be paid -to that noun which is most naturally the subject of the verb: it would -be clearly wrong to say, "Ducks and green peas is a delicacy." - -"Fleas is a nuisance." - -A nominative case, standing without a personal tense of a verb, and -being put before a participle, independently of the rest of the -sentence, is called a case absolute: as, "My brethren, to-morrow being -Sunday, I shall {081}preach a sermon in John street; after which we -shall join in a hymn, and that having been sungy Brother Biggs will -address you." - -The objective case is sometimes incorrectly made absolute by showmen and -others: as, "Here, gentlemen and ladies, you will see that great warrior -Napoleon Bonaparte, standing agin a tree with his hands in his breeches -pockets, him taking good care to keep out of harm's vay. And there, on -the extreme right, you will observe the Duky Vellingtdn a valking about -amidst the red-hot cannon balls, him not caring von straw." - -[Illustration: 090] - - -RULE II. - -Two or more singular nouns, joined together by a copulative conjunction, -expressed, or understood are equivalent {082}to a plural noun, and -therefore require verbs, nouns, and pronouns, agreeing with them in the -plural number: as, "Veal, wine, and vinegar are very good victuals I -vow." - -"Burke and Hare were nice men." - -"A hat without a crown, a tattered coat, threadbare and out at elbows, -a pair of breeches which looked like a piece of dirty patchwork -diversified by various holes, and of boots which a Jew would hardly have -raked from a kennel, at once proclaimed him a man who had seen better -days." - -This rule is not always adhered to in discourse quite so closely as a -fastidious ear would require it to be: as, "And so, you know, Mary, and -I, and Jane was a dusting the chairs, and in comes Missus." - - -RULE III. - -When the conjunction disjunctive comes between two nouns, the verb, -noun, or pronoun, is of the singular number, because it refers to each -of such nouns taken separately: as, "A cold in the head, or a sore eye -is a great disadvantage to a lover." - -If singular pronouns, or a noun and pronoun of different persons, be -disjunctively connected, the verb must agree with the person which -stands nearest to it; as, "I or thou art." - -"Thou or I am" - -"I, thou, or he is" &c. But as this way of writing or speaking is very -inelegant, and as saying, "Either I am, or thou art," and so on, will -always render having recourse to it unnecessary, the rule just laid down -is almost useless, except inasmuch as it suggests a moral maxim, namely, -"Always be on good terms with your next door neighbor." - -It also forcibly reminds us of some beautiful lines by - -Moore, {083}in which the heart, like a tendril, is said to twine round -the "nearest and loveliest thing." Now the person which is placed -nearest the verb is the object of choice; ergo, the most agreeable -person--ergo, the loveliest person or thing. - -Should a conjunction disjunctive occur between a singular noun or -pronoun, and a plural one, the verb agrees with the plural noun or -pronoun: as, "Neither a king nor his courtiers are averse to butter:" -(particularly when thickly spread.) "Darius or the Persians were hostile -to Greece." - - -RULE IV. - -A noun or multitude, that is, one which signifies many, can have a verb -or Pronoun to agree with it either in the singular or plural number; -according to the import of such noun, as conveying unity or plurality of -idea: as, "The nations humbugged." - -"The multitude have to pay many taxes." - -"The city Council are at a loss to know what to do." - -"The people is a many headed monster." - - -RULE V. - -Pronouns agree with their antecedents, and with the nouns to which they -belong, in gender and number: as, "This is the blow which killed Ned." - -"England was once governed by a celebrated King, who was called Rufus -the Red, but whose name was by no means so illustrious as that of -Alfred." - -"General M. and the Lieutenant had put on their boots." - -"The lady appeared, and she smiled, but the smile belied her feelings." - -The relative being of the same person with the antecedent, {084}the verb -always agrees with it: as, - -"Thou who learnest Syntax" - -"I who enlighten thy mind." - -The objective case of the personal pronouns is by some, for want of -better information, employed in the place of these and those: as, - -"Let them things alone." - -"Now then, Jemes, make haste with them chops." The adverb there, is -sometimes, with additional impropriety, joined to the pronoun them: as, - -"Look after them there sheep." - -The objective case of a pronoun in the first person is put after the -interjections Oh! and Ah! as, - -"Oh! dear me," &c. - -The second person, however, requires a nominative case: as, - -"Oh! you good-for-nothing man!" - -"Ah! thou gay Lothario!" - -[Illustration: 093] - - -RULE VI. - -When {085}there is no nominative case between the relative and the verb, -the relative itself is the nominative to the verb: as, "The master who -flogged us." - -"The rods which were used." - -But when the nominative comes between the relative and the verb, the -relative exchanges, as it were, the character of sire for that of son, -and becomes the governed instead of the governor; depending for its case -| on some word in its own member of the sentence: as, "He who is now at -the head of affairs, whom the people delight to honor, and to whom is -intrusted the helm of state--is a Polk." - - -RULE VII. - -The relative and the verb, when the former is preceded by two -nominatives of different persons, may agree in person with either, -according to the sense: as, - -"I am the young gentleman who do the lovers at the Chatham;" or, "who -does." - -[Illustration: 095] - -Let this maxim be borne constantly in mind. "A murderer of good -characters should always be made an example of." - - -RULE VIII. - -Every adjective, and every adjective pronoun, relates to a substantive, -expressed or implied: as, "Dando was an unprincipled, as well as a -voracious man." - -"Few quarrel with their bread and butter;" that is, "few persons." - -"This is the wonderful eagle of the sun." That is, "This eagle" &c. - -Adjective pronouns agree in number with their substantives: "This -muff, these muffs; that booby, these boobies; another numscull, other -numsculls." - -Some {086}people say, "Those kind of things," or, "This four-and-twenty -year," neither of which expressions they have any business to use. - -Adjectives are sometimes improperly used as adverbs: as, "He behaved -very bad." - -"He insulted me most gross." - -"He eat and drank uncommon." - -"He wur beat very severe." - -"It hailed tremendous" or, more commonly, "tremenjus." - - -RULE IX. - -The article a or an agrees with nouns in the singular number only: as, -"A fool, an ass, a simpleton, a ninny, {087}a lout--I would not give a -farthing for a thousand such." - -The definite article the may agree with nouns in the singular and plural -number: as, "The toast, the ladies, the ducks." - -The articles are often properly omitted; when used, they serve to -determine or limit the thing spoken of: as, "Variety is charming." - -"Familiarity doth breed contempt." - -"A stitch in time saves nine." - -"The heart that has truly loved never forgets." - - -RULE X. - -One substantive, in the possessive or genitive case, is governed by -another, of a different meaning: as, "A fiddle-stick's end." - -"Monkey's allowance." - -"Virtue's reward." - -[Illustration: 096] - - -RULE XI. - -Active verbs govern the objective case: as, "I kissed her." - -"She scratched me" - -"Virtue rewards her followers." - -For {088}which reason she is like a cook. - -Verbs neuter do not govern an objective case. Observe, therefore, that -such phrases: as, - -"She cried a good one," - -"He came the old soldier over me," - -and so forth, are highly improper in a grammatical point of view, to say -nothing of other objections to them. - -These verbs, however, are capable of governing words of a meaning -similar to their own: as, in the affecting ballad of Giles Scroggins-- - -"I wont, she cried, and screamed a scream" - -The verb To Be has the same case after it as that which goes before it: -as, "It was I" not "It was me" - -"The Grubbs were they who eat so much tripe at our last party not "The -Grubbses were them." - - -RULE XII. - -One verb governs another that depends upon it, in the infinitive mood: -as, "Cease to smoke pipes." - -"Begin to wear collars." - -"I advise you to shave" - -"I recommend you to go to church." - -"I resolved to visit the Carolinas." - -"And there I learned to wheel about And jump Jim Crow." - -In general the preposition to is used before the latter of two verbs; -but sometimes it is more properly omitted: as, "I saw you take it, young -fellow; come along with me." - -"Let me get hold of you, that's all!" - -"Did I hear you speak?" - -"I'll let you know!" - -"You dare not hit me." - -"Bid me discourse" - -"You need not sing" - -The proposition for is sometimes unnecessarily intruded into a sentence, -in addition to the preposition to, before an infinitive mood: as, How -came you for to think, {089}for to go, for to do such a thing?" Do you -want me for to punch your head?" - -Adjectives, substantives, and participles, often govern the infinitive -mood: as, "Miss Hopkins, I shall be happy to dance the next set with -you." - -"Oh! Sir, it is impossible to refuse you." - -"Have you an inclination to waltz?" - -"I shall be delighted in endeavoring to do so." - -The infinitive mood is frequently made absolute, that is, independent of -the rest of the sentence: as, "To say the truth, I was rather the worse -for liquor." - -"Not to mince matters, Miss, I love you." - -[Illustration: 098] - -RULE XIII. - -The {090}relation which words and phrases bear to each other in point -of time, should always be duly marked: instead of saying, "Last night I -intended to have made strong love to her," we should say, "Last night I -intended to make strong love to her;" because, although the intention of -making strong love may have been abandoned (on reflection) this morning, -and is now, therefore, a thing which is past, yet it is undoubtedly, -when last night and the thoughts connected with it are brought back, -again present to the mind. - - -RULE XIV. - -Participles have the same power of government with that of the verbs -from which they are derived: as, - -"Oh, what an exquisite singer Rubini is! I am so fond of hearing him." - -"Look at that horrid man; I declare he is quizzing us!" - -"No, he is only taking snuff." - -"See, how that thing opposite keeps making mouths." - -"How fond they all are of wearing mustaches! Don't you like it?" - -"Oh, yes! there is no resisting them." - -"Heigho! I am dying to have an ice--" - - Young man for a husband, Miss? - For shame, Sir! don't be rude! - -Participles are sometimes used as substantives: as, "The French mouth is -adapted to the making of grimaces." - -"The cobbler is like the parson; he lives by the mending of soles." - -"The tailor reaps a good harvest from the sewing of cloth." - -"Did you ever see a shoot-ing of the moon?" - -Is this what the witches mean when they sing, in the acting play of -Macbeth, - -"We fly by night?" - -If {091}they "shoot the moon," they are shooting stars. There is a mode -of using the indefinite article a before a participle, for which -there is no occasion, as it does not convert the participle into a -substantive, and makes no alteration in the sense of what is said; in -this case the article, therefore, is like a wart, a wen, or a knob at -the end of the nose, neither useful nor ornamental: as, "Going out a -shooting." - -"Are you a coming to-morrow?" - -"I was a thinking about what Jem said." - -"Here you are, a going of it, as usual!" A liberty not unfrequently -taken with the English Language, is the substitution of the perfect -participle for the imperfect tense, and of the imperfect tense for the -perfect participle: as, "He run like mad, with the great dog after him." - -"Maria come and told us all about it." - -"When I had wrote the Valentine, I sealed it with my thimble." - -"He has rose to (be) a common* councilman." - -"I was chose Lord Mayor." - -"I've eat (or a eat) lots of vension in my time." - -"I should have spoke if you hadn't put in your oar." - -"You were mistook." - -"He sent her an affecting copy of verses, which was wrote with a -Perryian pen." - - -RULE XV. - -Adverbs are generally placed in a sentence before adjectives, after -verbs active or neuter, and frequently between the auxiliary and the -verb: as, "He came, Sir, and he was most exceedingly drunk; he could -hardly stand upon his legs; he made a very lame discourse; he spoke -incoherently and ridiculously; and was impatiently heard by the whole -assembly." - -"He is fashionably dressed." - -"She is conspicuously ugly." - -"The eye of {092}jealousy is proverbially sharp, and yet it is -indisputiably green" - -"The French Marquis was a very charming man; he danced exquisitely and -nimbly, and was greatly admired by all the ladies." - -[Illustration: 101] - -Several adverbs have been coined of late; and some of them are -very remarkable for a "particular" elegance: as, "I reckon you're -catawampously chawed up." In the example just given there is to be -found, besides the new adverb, a word which, if not also new to the -{093}English student, is rendered so both by its orthography and -pronunciation; namely, _chawed_. This term is no other than "chewed," -modified. "Chawed up" is a very strong expression, and is employed to -signify the most complete state of discomfiture and defeat, when a man -is as much crushed, mashed, and comminuted, morally speaking, as if -he had literally and corporeally undergone the process of mastication. -"Catawampously" is a concentration of "hopelessly," "tremendously," -"thoroughly," and "irrevocably;" so that "catawampously chawed up," -means, brought as nearly to a state of utter annihilation as anything -consistently with the laws of nature can possibly be. For the -metaphorical use of the word "chawed," three several reasons have been -given: 1. Familiarity with the manner in which the alligator disposes -of his vie-tims. 2. The cannibalism of the Aborigines. 3. The delicate -practice of chewing tobacco. Each of these is supported by numerous -arguments, on the consideration of which it would be quite out of the -question to enter in this place. - - -RULE XVI. - -Two English negatives (like French lovers) destroy one another,--and -become equivalent to an affirmative: as, "The question before the House -was not an unimportant one;" that is, "it was an important one." - -"Mr. Brown was free to confess that he did not undertake to say that -he would not on some future occasion give a satisfactory answer to the -honorable gentleman." - -Thus, at one and the same time, we teach our readers Syntax and -secretiveness. - -It is probable that small boys are often unacquainted with {094}this -rule; for many of them, while undergoing personal chastisement, exclaim, -for the purpose, as it would appear, of causing its duration to be -shortened--"Oh pray, Sir, oh pray, Sir, oh pray, Sir! I won't do so no -more!" - - -RULE XVII. - -Prepositions govern the objective case: as, "What did the butcher say of -her?" - -"He said that she would never do for him; that she was too thin for a -wife, and he was not fond of a spare rib." - -The delicate ear is much offended by any deviation from this rule: -as, in a shocking and vulgar song which it was once our misfortune to -hear:-- - - "There I found the faithless she - Frying sausages for he." - -We had occasion, in the Etymology, to remark on a certain misuse of the -preposition, of. This, perhaps, is best explained by stating that of in -the instances cited, is made to usurp the government of cases which are -already under a rightful jurisdiction: as, "What are you got a eating -of?" - -"He had been a beating of his wife." - - -RULE XVIII. - -Conjunctions connect similar moods and tenses of verbs, and cases of -nouns and pronouns: as, "A coat of arms suspended on a wall is like an -executed traitor; it is hanged, drawn, and quartered." - -"If you continue thus to drink brandy and water and to smoke cigars, you -will be like Boreas the North wind, who takes 'cold without' wherever he -goes, and always 'blows a cloud' when it comes in his way." - -"Do you think there is any {095}thing between him and her?" - -"Yes; he, and she are engaged ones." - -[Illustration: 104] - -Note.--To ask whether there is any thing between two persons of opposite -sexes, is one way of inquiring whether they are in love with each other. -It is not, however, in our opinion, a very happy phrase, inasmuch -as whatever intervenes between a couple of fond hearts, must tend to -prevent them from coming together. - - -RULE XIX. - -Some conjunctions govern the indicative; some the subjunctive mood. In -general, it is right to use the subjunctive, {096}when contingency or -doubt is implied: as, "If I were to say that the moon is made of green -cheese." - -"If I were a wiseacre." - -"If I were a Wilt-shire-man." - -"A lady, unless, she be toasted, is never drunk." - -And when she is toasted, those who are drunk are generally the -gentlemen. - -[Illustration: 105] - -Those conjunctions which have a positive and absolute signification, -require the indicative mood: as, "He who fasts may be compared to a -horse: for as the animal eats not a bit, so neither does the man partake -of a morsel." - -"The rustic is deluded by false hopes, for his daily food is gammon." - -Every philosopher has his weak points, and in the Sylva Sylvarum may be -found some gammon of Bacon. - - -RULE XX. - -When a comparison is made between two or more things, the latter noun or -pronoun is not governed by the {097}conjunction than or as, but agrees -with the verb, or is governed by the verb or preposition, expressed -or understood: as, "The French are a lighter people than we," (that is -"than we are,") "and yet we are not so dark as they," that is, "as they -are." - -"I should think that they admire me more than them," that is, "than they -admire them." - -"It is a shame, Martha! you were thinking more of that young officer -than me," that is, "of me." - -[Illustration: 106] - -Sufficient attention is not always paid, in discourse, to this rule. -Thus, a schoolboy may be often heard to exclaim, - -"What did you hit me for, you great fool?" - -"You're bigger than me. Hit some one of your own size!" - -"Not fling farther than him? just can't I, that's all!" - -"You and I have got more marbles than them," - - -RULE XXI. - -An {098}ellipsis, or omission of certain words, is frequently allowed, -for the sake of avoiding disagreeable repetitions, and of expressing our -ideas in a few words. Instead of saying, "She was a little woman, she -was a round woman, and she was an old woman," we say, making use of the -figure Ellipsis, "She was a little, round, and old woman." - -When, however, the omission of words is productive of obscurity, weakens -the sentence, or involves a violation of some grammatical principle, -the ellipsis must not be used. It is improper to say, "Puddings fill who -fill them;" we should supply the word those. "A beautiful leg of mutton -and turnips" is not good language: those who would deserve what they -are talking about ought to say, "A beautiful leg of mutton and fine -turnips." - -In common discourse, in which the meaning can be eked out by gestures, -signs, and inarticulate sounds variously modified, the ellipsis is -much more liberally and more extensively employed than in written -composition. "May I have the pleasure of--hum? ha?" may constitute an -invitation to take wine. "I shall be quite--a--a--" may serve as an -answer in the affirmative. "So then you see he was--eh!--you see--," is -perhaps an intimation that a man has been hanged. "Well, of all the--I -never!" is often tantamount to three times as many words expressive of -surprise, approbation, or disapprobation, according to the tone in -which it is uttered. "Will you?--ah!--will you?--ah!--ah!--ah!" will do -either for "Will you be so impertinent, you scoundrel? will you dare -to do so another {099}time?" or, "Will you, dearest, loveliest, most -adorable of your sex, will you consent to make me happy; will you be -mine? speak! answer, I entreat you! One word from those sweet lips will -make me the most fortunate man in existence!" - -There is, however, a kind of ellipsis which those who indulge in that -style of epistolary writing, wherein sentiments of a tender nature are -conveyed, will do well to avoid with the greatest care. The ellipsis -alluded to, is that of the first person singular of the personal -pronoun, as instanced in the following model of a billet-doux:-- - - - Camberwell, - - April 1, 1844. - - MY DEAREST FANNY, - - Have not enjoyed the balm of sleep all the livelong night. - Encountered, last night, at the ball, the beau ideal of my - heart. Never knew what love was till then. Derided the - sentiment often; jested at scars, because had never felt a - wound. Feel at last the power of beauty--Write with a - tremulous hand; waver between hope and fear. Hope to be - thought not altogether unworthy of regard: fear to be - rejected as having no pretensions to the affections of such - unparalleled loveliness. Know not in what terms to declare - my feelings. Adore you, worship you, dote on you, am wrapt - up in you! think but on you, live but for you, would - willingly die for you!--in short, love you! and imploring - you to have some compassion on one who is distracted for - your sake - - Remain - - Devotedly yours - - T. Tout. - - -RULE XXII. - -A {100}Regular and dependent construction should be carefully preserved -throughout the whole of a sentence, and all its parts should correspond -to each other. There is, therefore, an inaccuracy in the following -sentence; "Greenacre was more admired, but not so much lamented, as -Burke." It should be, "Greenacre was more admired than Burke, but not so -much lamented." - -Of these two worthies there will be a notice of the following kind in -a biographical dictionary, to be published a thousand years hence in -America. - -Greenacre.--A celebrated critic who so cut up a blue-stocking lady of -the name of Brown, that he did not leave her a leg to stand upon. - -Burke.--A famous orator, whose power of stopping people's mouths was -said to be prodigious. It is farther reported of him that he was only -once hung up, and that on the occasion of the last speech he ever made. - -Perhaps it may be said that the rule last stated comprehends all -preceding rules and requires exemplification accordingly. We therefore -call the attention of the reader to the following paragraph, requesting -him to consider what, and how many, violations of the maxims of Syntax -it contains. - -"We teaches, that is, my son and me teaches, the boys English Grammar. -Tom or Dick have learned something every day but Harry what is idler, -whom I am sure will never come to no good, for he is always a miching -and doing those kind of things (he was catch but yesterday in a skittle -grounds) he only makes his book all dog's ears. I beat he, too, pretty -smartish, as I ought, you will say, for to have did. I was going to have -{101}sent him away last week but he somehow got over me as he do always. -I have had so much trouble with he, that between you and I, if I was not -paid for il, I wouldn't have no more to do with such a boy. There never -wasn't a monkey more mischievious than him; and a donkey isn't more -stupider and not half so obstinate as that youngster." - -The Syntax of the Interjection has been sufficiently stated under Rule -V. Interjections afford more matter for consideration in a Treatise -on Elocution than they do in a work on Grammar; but there is one -observation which we are desirous of making respecting them, and which -will not, it is hoped, be thought altogether foreign to our present -subject. Almost every interjection has a great variety of meanings, -adapted to particular occasions and circumstances, and indicated chiefly -by the tone of the voice. Of this proposition we shall now give a few -illustrations, which we would endeavor to render still clearer by the -addition of musical notes, but that these would hardly express, with -adequate exactness, the modulations of sound to which we allude; and -besides, we hope to be sufficiently understood without such help. This -part of the Grammar should be read aloud by the student; or, which is -better still, the interjection, where it is possible, should be repeated -with the proper intonation by a class; the sentence which gives occasion -to it being read by the preceptor. We will select the interjection Oh! -as the source from which our examples are to be drawn. - -"I'll give it to you, you idle dog: I will!" - -"Oh, pray, Sir! Oh, pray, Sir! Oh! Oh! Oh!" - -"I shall ever have the highest esteem for you, Sir; but as to love, that -is out of the question." - -"Oh, {102}Matilda!" - -"I say, Jim, look at that chaffinch: there's a shy!" - -"Oh, Crikey!" - -"Miss Timms, do you admire Lord Byron?" - -"Oh, yes!" - -"What do you think of Rubini's singing?" - -"Oh!" - -"So then, you see, we popped round the corner, and caught them just in -the nick of time." - -"Oh!" - -"Sir, your behavior has done you great credit." - -"Oh!" - -"Oats are looking up." - -"Oh!" - -"Honorable Members might say what they pleased; but he was convinced, -for his part, that the New Poor Law had given great general -satisfaction." - -"Oh! oh!" - -There being now no reason (or rule) to detain us in the Syntax, we shall -forthwith advance into Prosody, where we shall have something to say, -not only about rules, but also of measures. - - - - -PART IV. PROSODY. - -Prosody {103}consists of two parts; wherefore, although it may be a -topic, a head, or subject for discussion, it can never be a point; for a -point is that which hath no parts. Besides, there are a great many -lines to be considered in the second part of Prosody, which treats of -Versification. The first division teaches the true Pro-nunciation of -Words, including Accent, Quantity, Emphasis, Pause, and Tone. - -Lord Chesterfield's book about manners, which is intended to teach -us the proper tone to be adopted in Society, may be termed an Ethical -Prosody. - -Lord Chesterfield may have been a polished gentleman, but Dr. Johnson -was of the two the more shining character. - - - - -CHAPTER I. OF PRONUNCIATION - - - - -SECTION I. OF ACCENT. - -Though penetrated ourselves by the desire of imparting instruction, -we are far from wishing to bore our readers; and therefore we shall: -endeavor to repeat nothing here that we have said before. - -Accent {104}is the marking with a peculiar stress of the voice a -particular letter or syllable in a word, in such a manner as to render -it more distinct or audible than the rest. Thus, in the word théatre, -the stress of the voice should be on the letter e and first syllable -the; and in contrary, on the first syllable con. How shocking it is to -hear people say con-trary, the-atre! The friends of education will be -reminded with regret, that an error in the pronunciation of the first of -these words is very early impressed on the human mind. - - "Mary, Mary, - Quite contrary, - How does your garden grow?" - -How many evils, alas! arise from juvenile associations! - -Words of two syllables never have more than one of them accented, except -for the sake of peculiar emphasis. Gentlemen, however, whose profession -it is to drive certain public vehicles called cabs, are much accustomed -to disregard this rule, and to say, "po-lite" (or "pur-lite"), -"gén-téel," "con-cern," "po-lice," and so on: nay, they go so far as to -convert a word of one syllable into two, for the sake of indulging in -this style of pronunciation; and thus the word "queer" is pronounced by -them as "ke-veer." - -The word "a-men," when standing alone, should be pronounced with two -accents. - -The accents in which it usually is pronounced are very inelegant. -Clerks, now-a-days, alas! are no scholars. - -Dissyllables, formed by adding a termination, usually have the former -syllable accented: as, "Foolish, block-head," &c. - -===>See Page Scan - -The {105}accent in dissyllables, formed by prefixing a syllable to the -radical word, is commonly on the latter syllable: as, "I protest, I -declare, I entreat, I adore, I expire." - -Protestations, declarations, entreaties, and adorations, proclaim a -swain to be simply tender; but expiration (for love) proves him to be -decidedly soft. - -[Illustration: 114] - -A man who turns lover becomes a protest-ant; and his conduct at the same -time generally undergoes a reformation, especially if he has previously -been a rake. - -The zeal, however, of a reformed rake, like that of Jack in Dean Swift's -"Tale of a Tub," is sometimes apt to outrun his discretion. - -When the same word, being a dissyllable, is both a noun {106}and a verb, -the verb has mostly the accent on the latter, and the noun on the former -Syllable: as, - - "Molly, let Hymen's gentle hand - Cemént our hearts together, - With such a cément as shall stand - In spite of wind and weather. - - "I do presage--and oft a fact - A présage doth foretoken-- - Our mutual love shall ne'er contract, - Our côntract ne'er be broken." - -There are many exceptions to the rule just enunciated (so that, -correctly as well as familiarly speaking, it is perhaps _no_ rule;) for -though verbs seldom have an accent on the former, yet nouns frequently -have it on the latter syllable: as, - - "Mary Anne is my delight - Both by day and eke by night; - For by day her soft contrôl - Soothes my heart and calms my soul; - And her image while I doze - Comes to sweeten my repôse; - Fortune favoring my design, - Please the pigs she shall be mine!" - -The former syllable of most dissyllables ending in y, our, ow, le, ish, -ck, ter, age, en, èt, is accented: as "Grânny, noôdle," &c. - -Except allôw, avôw, endôw, bestôw, belôw. - - "Sir I cannot allôw - You your flame to avôw; - Endôw yourself first with the rhino: - My hand to bestôw On a fellow belôw - Me!--I'd rather be--never mind--- - _I_ know." - -"Music," {107}in the language of the Gods, is sometimes pronounced -"mû-sic!" - -Nouns of two syllables ending in er, have the accent on the former -syllable: as, "Bûtcher, bâker." - -It is, perhaps, a singular thing, that persons who pursue the callings -denoted by the two words selected as examples, should always indicate -their presence at an area by crying out, in direct defiance of Prosody, -"But-chér, ba-kér;" the latter syllable being of the two the more -strongly accented. - -Dissyllabic verbs ending in a consonant and e final, as "Disclose," -"repine," or having a dipthong in the last syllable, as, "Believe," -"deceive," or ending in two consonants, as "Intend," are accented on the -latter syllable. - - "Matilda's eyes a light disclôse, - Which with the star of Eve might vie; - Oh! that such lovely orbs as those - Should sparkle at an apple-pie! - "Thy love I thought was wholly mine, - Thy heart I fondly hoped to rule; - Its throne I cannot but repine - At sharing with a goosb'ry fool! - "Thou swear'st no flatterer can decéive - Thy mind,--thy breast no coxcomb rifle; - Thou art no trifler, I beliéve, - But why so plaguy fond of trifle? - "Why, when we're wed--I don't inténd - To joke, Matilda, or be funny; - I really fear that you will spend - The Honey Moon in eating honey!" - -Most {108}dissyllabic nouns, having a dipthong in the latter syllable, -have the aécent also on that syllable: as, - - "A Hamlet that draws - Is sure of applâuse." - -A Hamlet that draws? There are not many who can give even an outline of -the character. - -In a few words ending in _ain_ the accent is placed on the former -syllable: as, "Villain," which is pronounced as the natives of -Whitechapel pronounce "willing." Those dissyllables, the vowels of which -are separated in pronunciation, always have the accent on the first -syllable: as, lion, scion, &c. - - When is a young and tender shoot - Like a fond swain? When 'tis a scion. - - What's the most gentlemanly brute - Like, of all flow'rs? A _dandy_lion.' - -Trisyllables, formed by adding a termination or prefixing a syllable, -retain the accent of the radical word: as, "Lôveliness, shéepishness, -knâvery, assûrance." The first syllable of trisyllables ending in -ons, al, ion, is accented in the generality of cases: as in the words -"sérious, câpital," &c. - - "Dr. Johnson declared, with a sérious face, - That he reckoned a punster a villain: - What would he have thought of the horrible case - Of a man who makes jokes that are killing?" - - In his diction to speak 'tis not easy for one Who must - furnish both reason and rhyme: - "Sir, the rogue who has utter'd a câpital pun, - Has committed a câpital crime.' - -Trisyllables {109}ending in ce, ent, ate, y, re, le, and ude, commonly -accent the first syllable. Many of those, however, which are derived -from words having the accent on the last syllable and of those of which -the middle syllable has a vowel between two consonants, are excepted. - - They who would elegantly speak - Should not say "impudence," but "cheek;" - Should all things éatable call "prog;" - Eyes "ogles," côuntenance "phisog." - A coach should nôminate a "drag," - And spécify as "moke," a nag: - For éxcellent, use "prime" or "bang up," - Or "out and out;" and "scrag," for hang up. - The théâtre was wont to teach - The public réctitude of speech, - But we who live in modern age - Consult the gallery, not the stage. - -Trisyllables ending in ator have the accent placed on the middle -syllable; as, "Spectâtor, narrâtor," &c. except ôrator, sénator, and a -few other words. - -Take care that you never pronounce the common name of the vegetable -sometimes called Irish fruit, "purtator." - -A dipthong in the middle syllable of a trisyllable is accented: as -also, in general, is a vowel before two consonants: as, "Doméstic," -"endéavor." - -An endeavor to appear domesticated, or in common phraseology, to "do" -the domestic, is sometimes made by young gentlemen, and generally with -but an ill grace. {110}Avoid such attempts, reader, on all occasions: -and in particular never adventure either to nurse babies, or (when you -shall have "gone up to the ladies") to pour water into the tea-pot from -the kettle. A legal or medical student sometimes thinks proper, from a -desire of appearing at once gallant and facetious, to usurp the office -of pouring out the tea itself, on which occasions he is very apt to -betray his uncivilised habits by an unconscious but very unequivocal -manipulation used in giving malt liquor what is technically termed a -"head." - -Many polysyllables are regulated as to accent by the words from which -they are derived: as, "Inex-préssibles, Sûbstituted, Unobjéctionably, -Désignated, Transatlàntic, Délicacy, Decidedly, Unquéstionable." - -Words ending in ator are commonly accented on the last syllable but one, -let them be as long as they may: as, respirâtor, regulator, renovâtor, -indicâtor, and all the other alors that we see in the newspapers. - -Many words ending in ion, ous, ty, ia, io, and cal, have their accent -on the last syllable but two: as, "Con-si-de-râ-ti-on, pro-di-gi-ous, -im-pe-ne-tra-bil-i-ty, en-cy-clo-pæ'-di-a, brag-ga-dô-ci-o, -an-ti-mo-nârch-i-cal," all of which words we have divided into -syllables, by way of a hint that they are to be pronounced (comically -speaking) after the manner of Dominie Sampson. - -Words that end in le usually have the accent on the first syllable: -as, "Amicable, déspicable," &c.: although we have heard people say -"despicable." - -"I never see such a despicable fellow, not in all my born days." - -Words of this class, however, the second syllable of which has a vowel -before two consonants, are often differently {111}accented: as in -"Respéctable, contémptible. - -[Illustration: 120] - -Having, in compliance with grammatical usage, laid down certain rules -with regard to accent, we have to inform the reader that there are so -many exceptions to almost all of them, that perhaps there is scarcely -one which it is worth while to attend to. We hope we have some measure -amused him; but as to instruction, fear that, in this part of our -subject, we have given him {112}very little of that. Those who would -acquire a correct accent had better attend particularly to the mode -of speaking adopted in good society; avoid debating clubs; and go to -church. For farther satisfaction and information we refer them, and we -beg to say that we are not joking--to _Walker_. - - - - -SECTION II. OF QUANTITY. - -The quantity of a syllable means the time taken up in pronouncing it. -As there is in Arithmetic a long division and a short division, so in -Prosody is Quantity considered as long or short. - -A syllable is said to be long, when the accent is on the vowel, causing -it to be slowly joined in pronunciation to the next letter: as, "Flea, -small, creature." - -A syllable is called short, when the accent lies on the consonant, so -that the vowel is quickly joined to the succeeding letter: as "Crack, -little, devil." - -The pronunciation of a long syllable commonly occupies double the time -of a short one: thus, "Pâte," and "Broke," must be pronounced as slowly -again as "Pàt," and "Knôck." - -We have remarked a curious tendency in the more youthful students of -Grammar to regard the quantity of words (in their lessons) more as being -"small" or "great" than as coming under the head of "long" or "short." -Their predilection for small quantities of words is very striking and -peculiar; food for the mind they seem to look upon as physic; and all -physic, in their estimation, is most agreeably taken in infinitesimal -doses. The Homoeopathic system of acquiring knowledge {113}is more to -their taste than even the Hamiltonian. - -It is quite impossible to give any rules as to quantity worth reading. -The Romans may have submitted to them, but that is no reason why we -should. We will pronounce our words as we please: and if foreigners -want to know why, we will tell them that, when there is no law to the -contrary, we always does as we likes with our own. - -[Illustration: 122] - - - - -SECTION III. ON EMPHASIS. - -Emphasis {114}is the distinguishing of some word or words in a sentence, -on which we wish to lay particular stress, by a stronger and fuller -sound, and sometimes by a particular tone of the voice. - -A few illustrations of the importance of emphasis will be, perhaps, both -agreeable and useful. - -When a young lady says to a young gentlemen, "You are a _nice_ fellow; -you _are!_"--she means one thing. - -When a young gentleman, addressing one of his own sex, remarks, -"_You're_ a nice fellow; _you_ are;"--he means another thing. - -"Your friend is a gentlemen," pronounced without any particular -emphasis, is the simple assertion of a fact. - -"Your friend is a gentleman," with the emphasis on the words "friend" -and "gentleman," conveys an insinuation besides. - -So simple a question as "Do you like pine-apple rum?" is susceptible of -as many meanings as there are words in it; according to the position of -the emphasis. - -"_Do_ you like pine-apple rum?" is as much as to say, "Do you, though, -really like pine-apple rum?" - -"Do _you_ like pine-apple rum?" is tantamount to, - -"Can it be that a young gentleman (or lady) like you, can like -pine-apple rum?" - -"Do you _like_ pine-apple rum?" means, "Is it possible that instead of -disliking, you are fond of pine-apple rum?" - -"Do {115}you like _pine-apple_ rum?" is an enquiry as to whether you -like that kind of rum in particular. - -And lastly, "Do you like pine-apple _rum?_" is equivalent to asking if -you think that the flavor of the pineapple improves that especial form -of alcohol. - -A well-known instance of an emphasis improperly placed was furnished -by a certain Parson, who read a passage in the Old Testament in the -following unlucky manner: "And he said unto his sons, Saddle me the ass; -and they saddled _him._" - -Young ladies are usually very emphatic in ordinary discourse. "What a -little _dear!_ Oh! how _sweetly_ pretty! Well! I never _did_, I -declare! _So_ nice, and _so_ innocent, and _so_ good-tempered, and _so_ -affectionate, and _such_ a color! And _oh! such lovely eyes!_ and such -hair! He _was_ a little duck! he was, he was, he was. Tzig a tzig, tzig, -tzig, tzig, tzig!" &c. &c. &c. - -This emphatic way of speaking is indicative of two very amiable -feelings implanted by nature in the female occiput, and called by the -Phrenologists Adhesiveness and Philoprogenitivenes. Those who attempt -to imitate it will be conscious, while forcing out their words, of -a peculiar mental motion, which we cannot explain otherwise than by -saying, that it is analogous to that which attends the act of pressing -or squeezing; as when, with the thumb of the right hand, we knead one -lump of putty to another, in the palm of the left. Perhaps we might also -instance, sucking an orange. In all these cases, the organ of Weight, -according to Phrenology, is also active; and this, perhaps, is one -of the faculties which induce young ladies to lay a stress upon their -words. Nevertheless, we fear that a damsel {116}would hardly be pleased -by being told that her weight was considerable, though it would, at the -same time, grievously offend her to accuse her of lightness. Here we -need scarcely observe, that we refer to lightness, not of complexion, -but of sentiment, which is always regarded as a dark shade in the -character. This defect, we think, we may safely assert, will never be -observed in emphatic fair ones. - -But we have not quite yet exhausted the subject of emphasis, considered -in relation to young ladies. Their letters are as emphatic as their -language is, almost every third word being underlined. Such epistles, -inasmuch as they are addressed to the heart, ought not to be submitted -to the ear; nevertheless we must say that we have occasionally been -wicked and waggish enough to read them aloud--to ourselves alone, of -course. The reader may, if he choose, follow our example. We subjoin -a specimen of female correspondence, endeared to us by many tender -recollections, and admirably adapted to our present purpose. - -===>See Page Scan. - -I was terribly afraid that Matilda and I would have caught our Death of -cold; but thank Goodness no such untoward event took place. It was very -uncomfortable and I so wished you had been there.. When we got home who -do you think was there? Mr. Sims; and he said he thought that I was so -much grown. Only think. And so then you know we took some refreshment, -for I assure you, what with the journey and altogether we were very -nearly famished; and we were all invited {117}to go to the Chubbs' that -Evening to a small Teà Party, for which I must own I thought Mr. Chubb a -ism* man. After tea we had a carpet waltz, and although I was very tired -I enjoyed it much. There were some very pretty girls there, and one or -two agreeable young men; but oh! &c. - -The remainder of this letter being of a nature personally interesting -to ourselves only, and likely, in the opinion of some readers, to render -its insertion attributable to motives of vanity, we shall not be found -fault with for objecting to transcribe any more of it. - - - - -SECTION IV. OF PAUSES. - -A Pause, otherwise called a rest, is an absolute cessation of the -voice, in speaking or reading, during a perceptible interval, longer or -shorter, of time. - -Comic Pauses often occur in Oratory. "Unaccustomed as I am to public -speaking," is usually followed by a pause of this sort. A young -gentleman, his health having been drunk at a party, afforded, in -endeavoring to return thanks, a signal illustration of the Pause Comic. -"Gentlemen," he began, "the Ancient Romans,"--(A pause,)--"gentlemen, -the Ancient Romans,"--(Hear!)--"The Ancient Romans, Gentlemen,"--(Bravo! -hear! hear!)--"Gentlemen--that is--the Ancient Romans"--"were very fine -fellows, Jack, I dare say," added a friend, pulling the speaker down by -the coat-tail. - -That notable Ancient Roman, Brutus, is represented by Shakspeare as -making a glorious pause: as "Who's here {118}so vile that would not -love his country? If any, speak, for him have I offended. I pause for a -reply." - -[Illustration: 127] - -Here of course, Brutus pauses, folds his arms, and looks magnanimous. We -have heard, though, of an idle and impudent schoolboy, who, at a -public recitation, when he had uttered the words "I pause for a reply," -{119}gravely took out his penknife and began paring his nails. - -This was minding his paws with a vengeance. - - - - -SECTION V. OF TONES. - -Tones consist of the modulations of the voice, or the notes or -variations of sound which we use in speak-ing: thus differing materially -both from emphasis, and pauses. - -An interesting diversity of tones is exhibited by the popular voice at -an election. - -Also by charcoal-men, milk-men, and chimneysweeps; and by fruit-sellers, -and news-boys. - -We cannot exactly write tones (though it is easy enough to write notes,) -but we shall nevertheless endeavor to give some idea of their utility. - -Observe, that two doves billing resemble two magistrates -bowing;--because they are beak to beak. - -[Illustration: 128] - -A {120}lover and a police-magistrate (unless the two characters should -chance to be combined, which sometimes happens, that is, when the latter -is a lover of justice) would say, "Answer me," in very different tones. - -A lover again would utter the words "For ever and ever," in a very -different tone from that in which a minister would repeat them. - -A young lady, on her first introduction to you, says, "Sir," in a tone -very unlike that in which she sometime afterwards delivers herself of -the same monosyllable when she is addressing you under the influence of -jealousy. - -As to the word "Sir," the number of constructions which, according -to the tone in which it is spoken, it may be made to bear, are -incalculable. We may adduce a few instances. - -"Please, Sir, let me off." - -"No, Sir!" - -"Waiter! you, Sir." - -"Yes, Sir! yes, Sir!" - -"Sir, I am greatly obliged to you." - -"Sir, you are quite welcome." - -"Your servant, Sir" (by a man who brings you a challenge.) - -"Servant, Sir" (by a tailor bowing you to the door.) "Sir, you are a -gentleman!" - -"Sir, you are a scoundrel!" - -We need not go on with examples ad infinitum. If after what we have said -anybody does not understand the nature of Tone, all we shall say of him -is, that he is a _Tony_ Lumpkin. - - - - -CHAPTER II. OF VERSIFICATION. - -It {121}is with peculiar pleasure that we approach this part of Prosody. -We belong to a class of persons to whom a celebrated phrenological -manipulator ascribes "some poetical feeling, if studied or called -forth;" and, to borrow another expression from the same quarter, we -sometimes "versify a little;" that is to say, we versify our literary -occupations by an occasional flirtation with the muses. - -We have a great respect for the memory of our old schoolmaster; -notwithstanding which, we think we can beat him (which, we shall be told -by the wags, would be tit for tat) at poet-making, though, indeed, he -was a magician in his way. "I'll make thee a poet, my boy," he used to -say, "or the rod shall." - -Let us try what we can do. - -A verse consists of a certain number and variety of syllables, put -together and arranged according to certain laws. - -Verses being also called dulcet strains, harmonious numbers, tuneful -lays, and so forth, it is clear that such combination and arrangement -must be so made as to please the ear. - -Versification is the making of verses. This seems such a truism as to be -not worth stating; but it is necessary to define what Versification is, -because many people suppose it to be the same thing with poetry. We will -prove that it is not. - - "Much business in the Funds has lately been - Transacted various monied men between; - Though speculation early in the week - Went slowly; nought was done whereof to speak. - The largest operations, it was found, - Were twenty-five and fifty thousand _pound_." - -We {122}might proceed in the same strain, but we have already done half -a dozen lines without a particle of poetry in them; and we do not wish -to overwhelm people with proofs of what a great many will take upon -trust. - -Every fool knows what Rhyme is; so we need not say anything about that. - - -ON POETICAL FEET - -Poetical feet! Why, Fanny Elsler's feet and Taglioni's feet are -poetical feet--are they not? or else what is meant by calling dancing -the poetry of Motion? And cannot each of those _artistes_ boast of a toe -which is the very essence of all poetry--a TO' KAAO'N? - -No. You may make verses _on_ Taglioni's feet, (though if she be a -poetess, she can do that better than you, standing, too, on one leg, -like the man that Horace speaks of;) but you cannot make them _of_ her -feet. Feet of which verses are composed are made of syllables, not of -bones, muscles, and ligaments. Feet and pauses are the constituent parts -of a verse. - -We have heard one boy ask of another, who was singing, "How much is that -a yard?" still the yard is not a poetical measure. - -The feet which are used in poetry consist either of two or three -syllables. There are four kinds of feet of two, and an equal number -of three syllables. Four and four are eight: therefore Pegasus is an -octoped; and if our readers do not understand this logic, we are sorry -for it. But as touching the feet--we have - -1. The {123}Trochee, which has the first syllable accent, ed, and the -last unaccented: as, "Yànkëe dôodlë." - -2. The Iambus, which has the first syllable unaccented, and the last -accented: as, "Thé mâid hërsëlf with roûge, àlâs! bëdaübs." - -3. The Spondee, which has both the words or syllables accented: as, "âll -hâil, grëat king, Tom Thumb, all hail!" - -4. The Pyrrhic, which has both the words or syllables unaccented: as, -"ôn thë tree'top." - -5. The Dactyl, which has the first syllable accented and the two latter -unaccented: as, "Jônàthin, Jëffër-sôn." - -6. The Amphibrach has the first and last syllables unaccented and -the middle one accented: as, "Oë'r-whelmïng, transported, ecstatic, -delightful, àccéptëd, àddrëssës." - -7. The Anapaest (or as we used to say, _Nasty-beast_) has the two first -syllables unaccented and the last accented: as, "ôvërgrôwn grënàdiër." - -8. The Tribrach has all its syllables unaccented: as, "Matrïmôny, -exquisite nëss." - -These feet are divided into principal feet, out of which pieces of -poetry may be wholly or chiefly formed; and secondary feet, the use of -which is to diversify the number and improve the verse. - -We shall now proceed to explain the nature of the principal feet. - -Iambic verses are of several kinds, each kind consisting of a certain -number of feet or syllables. - -1. The shortest form of the English Iambic consists of an Iambus, with -an additional short syllable thus coinciding with the Amphibrach: as, -{124} - - "What Sùsàn, - My beauty! - Refuse one - So true t' ye? - - This ditty - Of sadness - Begs pity - For madness." - -2. The second form of the English Iambic consists of two Iambuses, and -sometimes takes an additional short syllable: as, - - "My eÿe, whàt fün. - With dog and gun, - And song and shout, - To roam about! - And shoot our snipes! - And smoke our pipes! - Or eat at ease, - Beneath the trees, - Our bread and cheese! - To rouse the hare - From gloomy lair; - To scale the mountain - And ford the fountain, - While rustics wonder - To hear our thunder." - -3. The third form consists of three Iambuses: as in the following -_morceau_, the author of which is, we regret to say, unknown to us; -though we did once hear somebody say that it was Mr. Anon. - - "Jâck Spràtt éat âll thé fât, - His wife eat all the lean, - And so between them both, - They lick'd the platter clean." - -In {125}this verse an additional short syllable is also admitted: as, - - "Âlëxïs yoüthful ploügh-bôy, - A Shepherdess adored, - Who loved fat Hodge, the cow-boy, - So t'other chap was floored." - -4. The fourth form is made up of four Iambuses: as, - - "Àdieü my boots, cômpàniôns old, - New footed twice, and four times soled; - My footsteps ye have guarded long, - Life's brambles, thorns, and flints among; - And now you're past the cobbler's art, - And fate declares that we must part. - Ah me! what cordial can restore - The gaping patch repatch'd before? - What healing art renew the weal - Of subject so infirm of heel? - What potion, pill, or draught control - So deep an ulcer of the sole? - -5. The fifth species of English Iambic consists of five Iambuses: as, - - You Côme, Tràgïc Müse, ïn tâttèr'd vést ârrày'd, - And while through blood, and mud, and crimes I wade, - Support my steps, and this, my strain, inspire - With Horror's blackest thoughts and bluest fire!" - - -The Epic of which the above example is the opening, will perhaps appear -hereafter. This kind of Iambic constitutes what is called the heroic -measure:--of which we shall have more to say by and by; but shall only -{126}remark at present that it, in common with most of the ordinary -English measures, is susceptible of many varieties, by the admission of -other feet, as Trochees, Dactyls, Anapaests, &c. - -6. Our Iambic in its sixth form, is commonly called the Alexandrine -measure. It consists of six Iambuses: as, - - "His worship gâve thë word, ànd Snôoks was borne âwày." - -The Alexandrine is sometimes introduced into heroic rhyme, and when -used, as the late Mr. John Reeve was wont to say, "with a little -moderation," occasions an agreeable variety. Thus the example quoted is -preceded by the following lines:-- - - "What! found at midnight with a darkey, lit, - A bull-dog, jemmy, screw, and centre-bit - And tongueless of his aim? It cannot be - But he was bent, at least, on felony; - He stands remanded. 'Ho! Policeman A!' - His worship gave the word, and Snooks was borne away." - -7. The seventh and last form of our Iambic measure is made up of seven -Iambuses. This species of verse has been immortalised by the adoption of -those eminent hands, Messrs. Sternhold and Hopkins. It runs {127}thus:-- - - - Goôd pëople âll, I prây dràw nëar, fôr yôu I needs müst têll, - That William Brown is dead and gone; the man you knew full well. - A broad-brimm'd hat, black breeches, and an old Welch wig he wore: - And now and then a long brown coat all button'd up before." - The present measure is as admirably adapted for the - Platform as for the Conventicle. - - "My name it is Bill Scroggins, and my fate it is to die, - For I was at the Sessions tried and cast for felony. - My friends, to these my dying words I pray attention lend, - The public-house has brought me unto this untimely end." - -Verses of this kind are now usually broken into two lines, with four -feet in the first line, and three in the second: as, - - "I wish I wëre â little pig - To wallow in the mire, - To eat, and drink, and sleep at ease - Is all that I desire." - -Trochaic verse is of several kinds. - -1. The shortest Trochaic verse in the English language consists of one -Trochee and a long syllable: as, - - "Billy Black - Got the sack." - -Lindley Murray asserts that this measure is defective in dignity, and -can seldom be used on serious occasions. Yet it is Pope who thus sings: - - "Dreadful screams, - Dismal gleams. - Fires that glow, - Shrieks of woe," &c. - -And for our own poor part, let us see what we can make out of a storm. -{128} - -===> See Page Scan - - -2. The second English form of the Trochaic consists of two feet: as, - - "Vermicelli, - Cürrànt jêlly." - -It sometimes contains two feet, or trochees, with an additional long -syllable: as, - - "Youth inclined tô wed, - Go and shave thy head." - -3. The third species consists of three trochees: as, - - "Sing a song ôf sixpence. - -Or of three trochees, with an additional long syllable: as, {129} - - "Thrice mÿ côat, hâve o'er thée rôll'd, - Summer hot and winter cold, - Since the Snip's creative art - Into being bade thee start; - Now like works the most sublime, - Thou displaty'st the power of time. - Broad grey patches plainly trace, - Right and left each blade-bone's place; - When thy shining collar's scann'd, - Punsters think on classic land: - Thread-bare sleeves thine age proclaim, - Elbows worn announce the same; - Elbows mouldy-black of hue, - Save where white a crack shines through; - While thy parting seams declare - Thou'rt unfit for farther wear-- - Then, farewell! "What! Moses! ho!" - "Clo', Sir? clo', Sir? clo', Sir? clo'?" - -4. The fourth Trochaic species consists of four trochees, as: - - "Ugh! yôu little lümp ôf blübbër, - Sleep, oh! sleep in quiet, do! - Cease awhile your bib to slobber-- - Cease your bottle mouth to screw. - - "How I wish your eyelids never - Would unclose again at all; - For I know as soon as ever - You're awake, you're sure to squall. - - "Dad and Mammy's darling honey, - Tomb-stone cherub, stuff'd with slops, - Let each noodle, dolt, and spooney - Smack, who will, your pudding chops. {130} - - "As for me, as soon I'd smother, - As I'd drown a sucking cat, - You, you cub, or any other, - Nasty little squalling brat." - -"Would you, you disagreeable old Bachelor?" - -[Illustration: 139] - -This form may take an additional long syllable, but this measure is very -uncommon. Example: - - "Chrônônhôtônthôlôgôs the Great, - Godlike in a barrow kept his state." - -5. The fifth Trochaic species is likewise uncommon; and, as a Bowbellian -would say, "uncommon" ugly, It contains five trochees: as, - - "Hëre lies Màrÿ, wife ôf Thômas Càrtër, - Who to typhus fever proved a martyr." - -These are a specimen of the "uncouth rhymes" so touchingly alluded to by -Gray. - -6. The sixth form of the English Trochaic is a line of six trochees: as, - - "Môst bëwitching damsel, charming Aràbéllâ, - Prithee, cast an eye of pity on a fellow." - -The Dactylic measure is extremely uncommon. The following {131}may be -considered an example of one species of it: - - "Cëlià thé crüël, resolv'd nôt tô mârry sôon, - Boasts of a heart like a fortified garrison, - Bulwarks and battlements keeping the _beaux_ all off, - Shot from within knocking lovers like foes all off." - - -Anapaestic verses are of various kinds. - -1. The shortest anapæstic verse is a single anapaest: - - "In thë glass - There's an ass." - -This measure, after all, is ambiguous; for if the stress of the voice -be laid on the first and third syllables, it becomes trochaic. Perhaps, -therefore, it is best to consider the first form of our Anapæstic verse, -as made up of two anapaests: as, - - "Sët â schôolbôy ât wôrk - With a knife and a fork." - -And here if you like, you may have another short syllable: as, - - "And hôw sôon thë yoüng glüttôn - Will astonish your mutton!" - -2. The second species consists of three anapaests: as, - - "Amàrÿllïs was slëndër ànd tail, - Colin Clodpole was dumpy and fat; - And tho' she did'n't like him at all, - Yet he doted on her for all that." - -This metre is sometimes denominated sing-song. - -3. The third kind of English Anapæstics may be very well exemplified by -an Irish song: - - "Hâve yôu e'er hàd thë lück tô sëe Dônnÿbrôok Fair?" - -It {132}consists, as will have been observed, of four ana-pæsts. -Sometimes it admits of a short syllable at the end of the verse: as, - - In the dëad ôf thë night, when with dire càtërwàuling - Of grimalkins in chorus the house-tops resound: - All insensibly drunk, and unconsciously sprawling - In the kennel, how pleasant it is to be found!" - -The various specimens of versification of which examples have been -given, may be improved and varied by the admission of secondary feet -into their composition; but as we are not writing an Art of Poetry, we -cannot afford to show how: particularly as the only way, after all, -of acquiring a real knowledge of the structure of English verse, is -by extensive reading. Besides, there yet remain a few Directions for -Poetical Beginners, which we feel ourselves called upon to give, and for -which, if we do not take care, we shall not have room. - -The commencement of a poet's career is usually the writing of _nonsense_ -verses. The nonsense of these compositions is very often unintentional; -but sometimes words are put together avowedly without regard to sense, -and with no other view than that of acquiring a familiarity with -metrical arrangement: as, - - "Approach, disdain, involuntary, tell." - -But this is dry work. It may be necessary to compose in this way just -at first, but in our opinion, there is a good and a bad taste to be -displayed even in writing nonsense verses; that is, verses which really -deserve that name. We recommend the young poet to make it his aim to -render his nonsense as perfect as---- - - -It {133}were manifestly culpable to make no mention, in a work of this -sort, of certain measures which are especially and essentially, of -a comic nature. Some of these have been already adverted to, but two -principal varieties yet remain to be considered. - -1. Measures taken from the Latin, in which the structure of the ancient -verse, as far as the number and arrangement of the feet are concerned, -is preserved, but the quantity of which is regulated in accordance with -the spirit of our own language. The character of such verses will be -best displayed by employing them on sentimental or serious subjects. -Take, for example, Long and Short, or Hexameter and Pentameter verses. - - "Jülïà, girl ôf my heart, ïs thàn jëssâmïne swëetër, ôr frësh mëads - Hày-côvër'd; whât rôse tints thôse ôn hër chëeks, thàt flôurish, - Approach? those bright eyes, what stars, what glittering dew-drops? - And oh! what Parian marble, or snow, that bosom? - If she my love return, what bliss will be greater than mine; but - What more deep sadness if she reprove my passion? - Either a bridegroom proud yon ivy-clad church shall receive me - Soon; or the cold church-yard me with its turf shall cover." - -Or the Sapphic metre of which the late Mr. Canning's "Knife-Grinder" is -so brilliant an example. Sappho, fair reader, was a poetess, who made -love-verses which could be actually scanned. History relates {134}that, -for the sake of some unprincipled or unfeeling fellow, she committed -_felo de se_. - - "I can endüre this crüël pain nô lôngër; - Fare ye well, blue skies, rivers, fields, and song-birds!' - Thus the youth spoke; and adding, - 'Oh, Jemima!' Plunged in the billow!" - -[Illustration: 143] - -2. Measures reducible to no rule, or Doggrel. Sternhold and Hopkins were -illustrious as Doggrel writers. - -Doggrel {135}is commonly used by anonymous poets for the purpose of -embodying the moral reflections which a homicide or an execution excites -in the sensitive mind. May we hope that our remarks on Prosody will in -some little degree tend to facilitate, perhaps to improve, the future -treatment of those two deeply interesting subjects--Love and Murder? - -[Illustration: 144] - - - - -CHAPTER III. PUNCTUATION. - -"Mind {136}your stops." This is one of the earliest maxims inculcated -by the instructors of youth. Hence it is clear that the subject of -Punctuation is an important one: but inasmuch as the reader, who has -arrived at the present page, has either not understood a word that he -has been reading, or else knows as much about the matter as we can tell -him, we fear that a long dissertation concerning periods, commas, and so -on, would only serve to embarrass his progress in learning with -useless stops. We shall, therefore, confine ourselves to that notice of -Punctuation, and that only, which the peculiar nature of our work may -require. - -First, it may be remarked, that the notes of admiration which we so -often hear in theatres, may be called notes of hand. Secondly, that -notes of interrogation are not at all like bank notes; although they are -largely uttered in Banco Regino. Let us now proceed with our subject. - -Punctuation is the soul of Grammar, as Punctuality is that of business. - -Perhaps somebody or other may take advantage of what we have said, to -prove both Punctuation and Punctuality immaterial. No matter. - -It {137}is both absurd and inconvenient to stand upon points. - -[Illustration: 146] - -Of how much consequence, however, Punctuation is, the student may form -some idea, by considering the different effects which a piece of poetry, -for instance, which he has been accustomed to regard as sublime or -beautiful, will have, when liberties are taken with it in that respect. - -Imagine an actor commencing Hamlet's famous soliloquy, thus: - -"To be; or not to be that is. The question," &c. - -Or {138}saying, in the person of Duncan, in Macbeth: - -"This castle hath a pleasant seat, the air." - -Or as the usurper himself, exclaiming, - -"The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon! - -Where got'st thou that goose? Look!" - -[Illustration: 147] - -Crying, as Romeo, - -"It is my lady O! It is my love!" - -Or in the character of Norval, in the tragedy of Douglas, giving this -account of himself and his origin: "My name is Norval. On the Grampian -hills My father feeds." - -We {139}have now said as much as we think it necessary to say on the -head of English Grammar. We shall conclude our labors with an "Address -to Young Students and as to the question, what that has to do with -our subject, we shall leave it to be settled by Lindley Murray, whose -example, in this respect, we follow. All we shall observe is, that in -our opinion, advice concerning manners stand in the same relation to a -Comic English Grammar, as instruction in morals does to a Serious one. -For the remarks which it will now be our business to make, we bespeak -the indulgence of our elder readers, and the attention of such as are of -tender age. - - - - -ADDRESS TO YOUNG STUDENTS. - -Young Gentlemen, - -Having attentively perused the foregoing pages, you will be desirous, it -is to be presumed, of carrying still farther those comical pursuits in -which, with both pleasure and profit to yourselves, you have been lately -engaged. Should such be your laudable intention, you will learn, with -feelings of lively satisfaction, that it is one, in the accomplishment -of which, thanks to Modern Taste, you will find encouragement at every -step. The literature of the day is professedly comic, and of the few -works which are not made ludicrous by the design of their authors, the -majority are rendered so in spite {140}of it. In the course of your -reading, however, you will be frequently brought into contact with -hack-ney-coachmen, cabmen, lackeys, turnkeys, thieves, lawyers' clerks, -medical students, and other people of that description, who are all very -amusing when properly viewed, as the monkeys and such like animals at -the Zoological Gardens are, when you look at them through the bars of -their cage. But too great familiarity with persons of this class is sure -to breed contempt, not for them and their manners, but for the usages -and modes of expression adopted in parlors and drawingrooms, that is to -say, in good society. Nay, it is very likely to cause those who indulge -in it to learn various tricks and eccentricities, both of behavior -and speech, for "It is certain, that either wise bearing or ignorant -carriage is caught, as men take diseases, one of another." Shakspere. - -Beset thus, as you will necessarily be, by perils and dangers in -your wanderings amid the fields of Comicality, you will derive great -advantage from knowing be-fore-hand what you are likely to meet with, -and what it will be incumbent on you to avoid. It is to furnish you with -this information that the following hints and instructions are intended. - -Be careful, when you hear yourself called by name, to reply "Here I am," -and not "Here you are," an error into which you are very likely to be -led by the perusal of existing authors. - -When you partake, if it be your habit to do so, of the beverage called -porter, drink it as you would water, or any other liquid. Do not wink -your eye, or nod sideways to your companion; such actions, especially -when preceded by blowing away the foam which col lects {141}on the top -of the vessel, being exceedingly inelegant: in order that you may not -be incommoded by this foam or froth, always pour the fluid gently into a -tumbler, instead of drinking it out of the metallic tankard in which it -is usually brought to you. - -In asking for malt liquor generally, never request the waiter to "draw -it mild and do not, on any occasion, be guilty of using the same phrase -in a metaphorical sense, that is to say, as a substitute for "Do it -quietly," - -"Be gentle," and the like. - -Never exhort young ladies, during a quadrille, to "fake away," or to -"flare up," for they, being unacquainted with the meaning of such terms, -will naturally conclude that it is an improper one. - -Avoid inquiries after the health of another person's mother, using that -word synonymously with Mamma, to denote a female parent. Though you may -be really innocent of any intention to be rude, your motives may very -possibly be misconstrued. Remember also on no account to put questions, -either to friends or strangers, respecting the quantity of soap in their -possession. - -Should it be necessary for you to speak of some one smoking tobacco, -do not call that substance a weed, or the act of using it "blowing a -cloud." - -When an acquaintance pays you a visit, take care, in rising to receive -him, not to appear to be washing your hands, and, should you be engaged -in writing at the time, place your pen on the table, or in the inkstand, -and not behind your ear. - -Observe, when your tailor comes to measure you, the way in which he -wears his hair, and should your own {142}style in this particular -unfortunate resemble his, be sure to alter it immediately. - -Never dance _â la cuisinière_, that is to say, do not cut capers. - -Eschew large shirt pins. - -Never say "Ma'am" or "Miss," in addressing a young lady, if you cannot -contrive to speak to her without doing so, say nothing. - -Never, under any circumstances, let the abbreviation "gent." for -gentleman, escape the enclosure of your teeth. Above all things, for the -sake of whatever you hold most dear, never say "me and another gent." - -When you receive a coin of any kind, deposit it at once in your pocket, -without the needless preliminary of furling it in the air. - -Never ask a gentleman how much he has a-year. - -In speaking of a person of your own age, or of an elderly gentleman, do -not say, Old So-and-so, but So-and-so, or Mr. So-and-so, as the case -may be: and have no nicknames for each other. We were much horrified -not long since, by hearing a great coarse fellow, in a leathern hat and -fustian jacket, exclaim, turning round to his companion, "Now, then, -come along, old Blokey!" - -When you have got a cold in the head and weak eyes, do not go and call -on young ladies. - -Do not eat gravy with a knife, for fear those about you should suppose -you to be going to commit suicide. - -In offering to help a person at dinner, do not say, "Allow me to -_assist_ you." When you ask people what wine they will take, never say, -"What'll you have?" or, "What'll you _do it in?_" - -If {143}you are talking to a clergyman about another member of the -clerical profession, adopt some other method of describing his avocation -than that of saying, "I believe he is in your line." - -Do not recommend an omelet to a lady, as a good _article_. - -Be cautious not to use the initial letter of a person's surname, in -mentioning or in addressing him. For instance, never think of saying, -"Mrs. Hobbs, pray, how is Mr. H.?" - -Call all articles of dress by their proper names. What delight can -be found by a thinking mind in designating a hat as a tile, trousers, -kickseys, a neckerchief, a fogle, or a choker; or a great coat, an upper -Benjamin? And never speak of clothes, collectively, as toggs or toggery. - -We here approach the conclusion of our labors. Young gentlemen, once -more it is earnestly requested that you will give your careful attention -to the rules and admonitions which have been above laid down for your -guidance. We might have given a great many more; but we hope that the -spirit of our instructions will enable the diligent youth to supply, -by observation and reflection, that which, for obvious reasons, we have -necessarily left unsaid. And now we bid you farewell. That you may never -have the misfortune of entering, with splashed boots, a drawing-room -full of ladies; that you may never, having been engaged in a brawl -on the previous evening, meet, with a black eye, the object of your -affections the next morning; that you may never, in a moment of -agitation, omit the aspirate, or use it when you ought not; that your -laundress may always {144}do justice to your linen; and your tailor make -your clothes well, and send them home in due time; that your braces may -never give way during a waltz; that you may never, sitting in a strong -light at a large dinner-party, suddenly remember that you have not -shaved for two days; that your hands and face may ever be free from tan, -chaps, freckles, pimples, brandy-blossoms, and all other disfigurements; -that you may never be either inelegantly fat, or ridiculously lean; and -finally, that you may always have plenty to eat, plenty to drink, and -plenty to laugh at, we earnestly and sincerely wish. And should your lot -in life be other than fortunate, we can only say, that we advise you to -bear it with patience; to cultivate Comic Philosophy; and to look upon -your troubles as a joke. - -[Illustration: 153] - - - - - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Comic English Grammar, by Percival Leigh - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COMIC ENGLISH GRAMMAR *** - -***** This file should be named 44802-8.txt or 44802-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/4/4/8/0/44802/ - -Produced by David Widger from page scans generously provided -by Google Books - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions -will be renamed. - -Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no -one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation -(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without -permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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