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+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44809 ***
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 109.
+
+_August 10, 1895._
+
+
+
+
+A PSALM OF AUGUST.
+
+(_For the Circular Tourist_.)
+
+    Tell me not, in Summer numbers,
+      "Holidays are but a dream!"
+    If you hold that vacs are slumbers,
+      Well--things are not what they seem.
+
+    COOK is real! GAZE is earnest!
+      And the earth's end is their goal;
+    "Bust" thou art, and "bust" returnest,
+      Sing they to the tripper's soul.
+
+    Not enjoyment--rather, sorrow
+      Greets the tourist on his way;
+    His to toil, that each to-morrow
+      Find him farther on his way.
+
+    Tours are long, and Time is fleeting,
+      While we dire discomfort brave;
+    In globe-trotting, record-beating,
+      Pleasure surely finds its grave.
+
+    Let us, still, each town be "doing,"
+      Since "tow-rowing" is our fate--
+    Then, half-dead with guide-pursuing,
+      Brag o'er those at home who wait!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"FORWOOD BOYS."--Sir ARTHUR FORWOOD, the new Baronet,
+observes the Day-by-Day-istical writer in the _Daily Telegraph_, "is
+not to be confounded with his brother, Sir WILLIAM FORWOOD."
+Why not? Why interfere with the liberty of speech on the part of some
+Radicals, who might say "Confound 'em both!" Or, in the words of the
+National Anthem, "Confound their politics."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OMITTED FROM THE GRACIOUS SPEECH OF H.R.H. THE PRINCE OF WALES AT
+THE OPENING OF THE SOUTHAMPTON NEW DOCK.--"I appear here as the
+Judge, at whose word the prisoner is to be let into the dock, and,
+subsequently, let out again. Ladies and gentlemen, the prisoner is--the
+water." (_Cheers._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRESIDING DEITY. 1895.
+
+VENUS AN--ILINE DYE--OMENE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOEYING AT THE PRINCE OF WALES'S.
+
+There have been JOES not a few on the stage. Coming down from
+the time of JOE GRIMALDI, we pass on the way _Joseph Andrews_,
+_Poll and Partner Joe_, _Poor Joe_ from _Bleak House_, and many other
+JOES until we come to _Gentleman Joe_, hansom cab-driver,
+played by ARTHUR ROBERTS. The question and answer in the old
+idiotic nigger song applies appropriately here, with slight adaptation:
+
+          What! _de_ JOE? Yes! _de_ JOE.
+    Spruce JOE kicking up ahind and afore,
+    KITTY LOFTUS playing up to Mister JOE.
+
+And with the assistance of the always graceful PHYLLIS
+BROUGHTON--of whom _Gentleman Joe_ might have sung, but doesn't,
+"PHYLLIS is my only _Fare_"--aided also by the pretty-voiced
+LETTIE SEARLE, helped by the sprightly earnestness of Miss
+CLARA JECKS, who has turned over a new leaf and come out as a
+page, and kept moving by the dashing "go" of Miss SADIE JEROME
+(not at all a "sad eye" nor a "say die" sort of young lady) as _Lalage
+Potts_, this two-act musical farce, beginning as a kind of _High Life
+below Stairs_ and ending anyhow, offering, as it does, opportunities
+to Our Only ARTHUR for introducing into it any amount of
+"divarsion" in the way of new songs, eccentric speeches, nods, winks,
+becks, and wreathed smiles, may be continuing its successful career in
+the summer of '96, there being no apparent reason why its run should
+ever stop, that is as long as _Gentleman Arthur Joe Roberts_ handles
+the ribands as the popular _Cabbing-it Minister_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW TITLE.--Our GRACE, the cricketer, is not made
+a "Sir" or raised to a dukedom. There is, however, in view of present
+craze, a great chance for conferring the greater honour on a champion
+bicyclist. His title would be "The Duke of WHEELINGTON."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCRAPS FROM CHAPS.
+
+A DIVIDEND DESERVED.--The Glasgow Town Council has been
+running its own tram-cars for a year past, and has cleared more than
+£20,000 of profit for the citizens out of the business. There is huge
+rejoicing on the Clyde, and no wonder, as the result is due to sheer
+good management, without over-charging the public or over-driving the
+drivers. The Tramways Committee reports:--
+
+ Further, the Committee have given effect to what they believe to
+ be the general feeling of the citizens--viz., that the cars, which
+ necessarily form a notable feature of the streets of the city,
+ should not only be tasteful in design and colour, and comfortable
+ for passengers, but also that their general appearance should not be
+ marred or their destinations obscured by advertisements.
+
+Moral for many southern railway, tram, and omnibus companies--Go and do
+likewise! Moral for Glasgow citizens--Get carried over your tram-lines
+often enough, and you'll carry over a big dividend to decrease your
+next year's rates!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUB-LIME!--This is how "business" is transacted by some of the
+Youghal Town Commissioners. The question was--who should supply them
+with lime!
+
+ _Mr. Kennedy._ I propose that thirty-nine barrels be bought and paid
+ for.
+
+ _Mr. Loughlan._ I propose that he supply the lime at 1_s._ per barrel.
+
+ _Mr. Long_ (_warmly_). I say the Board can't do anything of the kind.
+
+ _Mr. Loughlan._ You'll get choked if you don't keep cool (_laughter_).
+
+ _Mr. Long_ (_excitedly_). Take care of your windpipe (_laughter_). I
+ suppose he gave you a few good lumps of lime (_loud laughter_).
+
+ _Mr. Loughlan_ (_jumping up excitedly_). Now that is a gross insult.
+
+ _The Chairman._ Order, order, gentlemen.
+
+    Then Youghal's worried chairman raised a cry of "Order!"--when
+    A lump of old white limestone took him in the abdomen;
+    And he smiled a wan official smile and walked out at the door,
+    And the tongues of LONG and LOUGHLAN interested him no more.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PORKERS AND PAUPERS.--Bath Workhouse pigs "live on the best of
+good cheer" in the form and substance of milk, so the municipal pork
+and rate-aided bacon ought to be prime. The _Bristol Mercury_ reports a
+meeting of the Bath guardians, when
+
+ Mr. MANCHIP called attention to the fact that some of the
+ children did not even touch their milk gruel and dry bread which
+ was served out for breakfast. On Friday morning when the visitors
+ were at the Workhouse at seven o'clock two buckets of milk gruel
+ were taken out to the pigs. Mr. MANCHIP proposed that the
+ Medical Officer be asked if he would be good enough at his earliest
+ convenience to consider whether a change could be made in the
+ children's diet. The Chairman thought if the gruel was sweetened with
+ a spoonful of treacle the children would then like it. It was agreed
+ to give the Chairman's suggestion a fortnight's trial.
+
+Congratulations to the Bath children on being e-manchip-ated from their
+old diet!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For securing "absolute impartiality" in conferring the prizes at the
+Llanelly National Eisteddfod, the judges had "a pit dug for them,"
+into which they disappeared during the progress of competitions,
+so that participators could not "fix them with a glittering
+eye," and compel them (by hypnotic means) to award a prize. Sir
+JOSEPH BARNBY--warbling, _sotto voce_, "This is my time for
+disappearing"--greatly enjoyed these dives to the bottom of the well
+in search of Truth, and no doubt the novel departure "assisted" the
+blindness of Justice. But, so far as dignity is concerned, "Oh! the
+pit-y of it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    We read of a cooky at Claughton,
+    In music she was a self-taught'un;
+          But her mistress, I fear,
+          Said 'twas nothing but beer
+
+that caused her cook to vociferate hymns and, in her harmonious
+enthusiasm, to return home towards midnight and hammer loudly at the
+door. We know not whether this melodious _cuisinière's_ recipe for
+cleaning fire-irons "with a wet rag and a bucket of water" is to be
+found in Mrs. GLASSE'S _Art of Cookery_, but the learned Judge
+decided in favour of the mistress, against whom MARY ROGERS (a
+poetical name forsooth) brought an action for unjustifiable dismissal.
+Alas! poor cook. She must, henceforward, do her stewing without singing
+and her "mashes" without melody.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Mr. HENRY MCCALMONT gives "receptions" they will be
+styled, not "_soirées_," but "After-Newnes."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DOTH NOT A 'MEETING' LIKE THIS MAKE AMENDS?"
+
+_Duke of W-stm-nst-r_ (_as they come out of the Hall, Chester_).
+"EXCELLENT SPEECH, SIR! SO VERY KIND OF YOU TO COME!"
+
+_Mr. G._ "DON'T MENTION IT, DUKE. IF THERE'S ONE THING I LIKE MORE
+THAN ANOTHER, IT'S A NON-POLITICAL MEETING!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOLILOQUY IN ST. JAMES'S PARK.
+
+(_By a Socialistic Loafer._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    Besoide the worter in Sin Jimes's Pork,
+    I've stritched meself ter snooze hunder this ole tree--
+    But cawn't, fur all the keckle, screech, an' squork,
+    From these yere ducks an' swans, an' sim'lar poultry!
+
+    Them fowls is kep' up orf the Nytion's fun's;
+    If yer chucked stones at 'em there'd be a fuss mide;
+    They're reg'lar bustin' with the kikes an' buns
+    As they gits frowed by hevery kiddy's nuss-mide!
+
+    I'll lay a femily cud liv fur weeks
+    On arf the screps them lyzy hoidle ducks re-jecks
+    hevery hour, a-turnin' up their beaks,
+    An' wallerin' in comfit an' in lux'ry!
+
+    Whoy should the loikes o' them 'ave hall the luck,
+    Whoile sech as me----? It's skendalus, I s'y 'tis,
+    That--jest becos I ain't a bloomin' duck--
+    Sercoiety don't grub and board me grytis!
+
+    Some d'y we'll mike hour vices 'eard, in 'owls
+    O' ryge, an' s'y to--well, no matter _'oo_ it is--
+    "Ain't we more fit ter live nor worter-fowls?
+    We're yumin beans--not feathered sooperflooities!"
+
+    I'd cop thet one jess waddlin' hup the grorss,
+    An' twist 'is neck--'e's honly fit fur cookin';
+    I would, on _prinserple_, as bold as brorss--
+    If that there bloomin' Keeper wasn't lookin'!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"OH! LIZA."--Another subject for CHEVALIER. A special
+meeting was held in Liverpool to protest against the presence of
+Cockney costers who, it was asserted, seriously injured the business
+of Liverpudlian "market-tenants." Mr. WALKER (is he of the
+celebrated Hookey branch of the family?) averred that he had "seen a
+coster with his barrow standing before the LORD MAYOR'S shop
+for half-an-hour." Our sympathetic soul weeps at this gross injustice
+to the worthy syndic, and we trust it will not cost-er him too much.
+But, as the lawyer remarked, _de costibus non est disputandum_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+C. C. NEWS. LATEST (LAST THURSDAY) AS TO SCHOOL BOARD
+SQUABBLES.--Mr. BOWIE wanted to have his Bowie-knife into
+Mr. DIGGLE and others; but was prevented. A BOWIE,
+not very sharp and without point, is rather a useless weapon in a fight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WURM WURK!"--At Bexhill-on-Sea the "Improvement
+Committee"--(how wise of Bexhill-on-Sea to have instituted a
+permanent "Improvement Committee," otherwise it might become
+Bexhill-_at_-Sea!)--has engaged the exclusive services of Herr
+WURM and his band. New motto for this new watering-place, "The
+Early Beaks-'ll catch the Wurm." The musical _pabulum_ here provided
+will be known as "the Diet of Wurm's." Band to play during every meal.
+Likewise "Wurm Baths" with music. The eminent conductor will Wurm
+himself into favour with everyone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Daily Telegraph_ notifies a novelty in return tickets introduced
+by the South London Electric Railway. "The return half of the ticket is
+usable at any time." The idea being not "Go as you please," but "Go as
+we (the Co.) please, and come back as you like."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE EXTINCTION OF THE HORSE.
+
+_Squire._ "ISN'T THAT THE MARE, COPER, YOU HOPED TO MAKE THREE
+FIGURES OF AS A LADY'S HACK!"
+
+_Local Dealer._ "YES, SIR, THIS IS HER, WORSE LUCK! SHE'LL HAVE TO
+GO FOR A 'CABBER' NOW--UNLESS I BOIL HER DOWN FOR BICYCLE OIL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LA GÉOGRAPHIE DE LONDRES.
+
+_À Monsieur Punch._
+
+MONSIEUR,--_Je viens d'arriver_--but hold! I go to write in
+english, which I know enough well. I am come to London to this Congress
+of Geographs. I cross the Sleeve--_la Manche_, how say you? Ah _la
+douleureuse traversée_, the dolorous traversy! In fine, the train
+arrives at a station. I seek, I regard, I read the soap, the mustard,
+the other _réclames_--how say you?--but not the name of the station.
+Then a cry, "Londonbridg!" Ah, it is the station of London! _Sapristi_,
+how she is little this station! _La gare de Londres_ no more great than
+a station of _banlieue_, near to Paris. Eh well, I descend immediately.
+I seek my baggages, I go to find a _fiacre_, a "ansom." Then in English
+I say to the coacher, "George Street, Number Forty." "Olraïttseu," say
+he. What is this that this is that that? I comprehend not. But all of
+same I mount in carriage and we part.
+
+Soon we arrive. Hold! This is a street of commerce; there is there but
+offices. And not of number forty.
+
+"Nottir, maounsiah?" say the coacher. Ah, I comprehend! "No," say I,
+"not here." "Minnoriss," say he. "How?" say I; but we are in road.
+Hold! Again a street of commerce--but of the most villain. I anger
+myself. I cry, "Coacher, I have said you George Street." "Olraïtt,
+maounsiah," say he, "this is George Street." "Not here," I respond. "Is
+there two George Streets?" Then he swear, he laugh; he ask that he may
+be blown; he say more, that I comprehend not. In fine, he say, "Taoua
+Ill." Again a George Street. But here some warehouses only. Then the
+coacher say, "Shoditch," and we go. Again a George Street! Still more
+small! Again one time I anger myself. I ask to him, "Where go you?" He
+say, "Which George Street is it?" I say, "George Street, London." Then
+he laugh again, and he swear; and he say, "Ollaouai." Again a George
+Street! _Tiens, c'est embêtant!_ But it is but a street of commerce,
+and very little. "Islingtonn," say he. What! again a George Street?
+_Sapristi! Quelle ville!_ If they love the name of George, these
+English! But, no, still a poor little street. "Blakfraïahs," say the
+coacher. We traverse some streets, some streets, without end! In fine,
+see there number forty. But it is a little shop. _Mille tonnerres! Pas
+encore!_ "Youstonn Road," say he. Again some streets, some streets,
+without end! And again a street of commerce. And again the number forty
+is a shop! _Sacré nom d'une pipe!_ "Lissn Grov," say he. Again some
+_kilomètres_ to traverse. What! Again a George Street? How many of them
+is there, of these George Streets? And again, as you say in english,
+"No go." But all of same we go, for the coacher say "Manshestasquaiah."
+I shut myself the eyes, and I repose myself.
+
+Ah, that values better! In fine, a better street. And see, there number
+forty! What joy! In fine, I arrive. How it is fatiguing, this course
+in London, long of three hours or more! I descend. I demand my friend.
+What? He live not here? He is gone? _A la bonne heure!_ "One more," say
+the coacher. "What," I cry, "again a George Street?" "Yess, maounsiah,
+Annovasquaiah." Then this one is not the house of my friend, this one
+is not the George Street that I seek! _Que le diable enlève_----
+
+But we continue, we arrive, in fine, it is here. All exhausted I
+descend. How much pays one the course in London? In Paris it is 1·50.
+Ah! in London it must be one shilling and half. This one has been a
+long course; I go to give a good _pourboire_, one shilling. I offer
+to the cabman two shillings and half. Then he cry, he swear, he
+descend, he wish to fight me. I say, "It is not enough? How much?"
+He say, "Tenbobb." What is this that this is that that? In fine, my
+friends come from the house, they explain that that wishes to say,
+"Ten shillings," they say he has reason, and I pay him. It costs dear
+the cab of London. But it is equal to me, for now I go to pronounce a
+discourse before the Geographical Congress on the George Streets of
+London. He will be of the most interestings, of the most curious. I beg
+you, Mister _Punch_, to make me the honour of to come to hear him, and
+to agree the assurance of my sentiments the most distinguished.
+
+  AUGUSTE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POLITICAL UGLY DUCKLING.
+
+(_Fragments of a Brummagem Fairy Tale._)
+
+It was in a big town in the Midlands that the Ugly Duckling first
+chipped shell. "_Cheek! Cheek! Cheek!_" squeaked the youngster as he
+crept out. How big and ugly he was, to be sure! Not a bit like the
+other ducklings. In fact he was a portent, and a puzzle.
+
+However, the ugly, grey-coated youngster, took to the water, and swam
+about like the rest. "He's every inch my own child, after all," said
+the old duck. "And really he's very pretty, when one comes to look at
+him attentively. Quack! quack!" added she; "now, come along, and I'll
+take you into high society. Now move on, and mind you cackle properly,
+and bow your head before that old duck yonder, who is the noblest born
+of them all. Now bend your neck, and say 'Quack!'"
+
+But the Ugly Duckling was an odd bird, as well as an ill-favoured one,
+and gave much trouble and excited much jealousy in the duck-yard. He
+quacked indeed, but he would not bend his head or bow to the old duck
+properly.
+
+"He remained too long in the egg-shell," mused the maternal bird; "and
+therefore his figure, like his manners, is not properly formed on the
+true duck model. But as he's a male duck it won't matter so much. I
+think he'll prove strong, and be able to fight his way through the
+world." Which was true.
+
+<tb>
+
+But at first the Ugly Duckling had a baddish time of it. He was bitten,
+pushed about, and made game of, not only by the ducks, but by the hens.
+They all declared he was much too big, and fancied himself too much.
+He certainly was not graceful, and he had a cocky, self-assertive
+air which irritated the Conservative Old Cockalorums. He was always
+making unexpected and unducklike sorties, "alarums and excursions,"
+and lifting up his raucus-caucus voice against the time-honoured rules
+and respectable conventions of the duck-pond. So much so, that they
+nicknamed him the "Daring Duckling," and prophesied that he would come
+to a bad end.
+
+So he ran away, and flew over the palings.
+
+<tb>
+
+He had many adventures, and various. He dwelt for a time with a lot
+of wild ducks in a marsh, and even struck up a sort of friendship
+for a swarm of wild geese, who wanted to do away with domestication
+and destroy the "tame villatic" tendencies of gregarious goosedom,
+and abolish barn-yards and duck-ponds, peacocks, and game-fowls, and
+guinea-hens, and poulterer's shops, and _pâté de foie gras_, and other
+checks on liberty and incentives to luxury. But somehow he didn't get
+on with the wild ducks for long. He was so much wilder than they, and
+wanted his own way too much and too often for the old and recognised
+leaders of their flocks. And as to the wild geese, why he soon lost
+sympathy with their "revolutionary programmes" and "subversive
+schemes," which he learned to regard indeed as a sort of wild goose
+chase, and deride and denounce as vehemently as he had aforetime
+praised them.
+
+"I think I'll take my chance, and go abroad into the wide world," said
+the Duckling.
+
+<tb>
+
+One evening, just as the sun was setting, there came a whole flock of
+beautiful large birds from a grove. The Ugly Duckling had never seen
+any so lovely before. They were dazzlingly white, with long graceful
+necks: they were swans. They uttered a peculiar cry, and then spread
+their magnificent wings and away they flew from this cold country to
+warmer lands across the open sea, as was their usual custom. They rose
+so high that the Ugly Duckling felt a strange sensation come over him,
+a sort of delicious vertigo. He turned round and round in the water
+like a wheel, stretched his neck up into the air toward them, and
+uttered so loud and strange a cry that he was frightened at it himself.
+Oh! never could he again forget those beautiful, happy birds, so
+gracefully fleeting against a primrose sky. He knew not how those birds
+were called, nor whither they were bound, but he felt an affection for
+them, such as he had never yet experienced for any living creature.
+And he more and more lost love for, and patience with, all his old
+associates, ducks or geese, wild or domesticated.
+
+<tb>
+
+The Ugly Duckling now felt able to flap his wings. They rustled much
+louder than before, and bore him away most sturdily; and before long he
+found himself in a noble park, a nobleman's park; indeed, the dainty
+demesne of one of those who "toil not neither do they spin." It was
+quite Beaconsfieldian in its beauty, with its smooth emerald sward and
+umbrageous elm-avenues, its dusky cedar clumps and tail-spreading,
+crest-sunning peacocks.
+
+"Dear me!" mused the Ugly Duckling. "It is strange, but _I feel quite
+at home here!!!_"
+
+Three magnificent white swans now emerged from the thicket before him;
+they flapped their wings and then swam lightly on the surface of the
+water. The larger one (whose beak bore the letter S as a "nick") was
+dark and haughty of mien, the second (whose beak was branded B) was
+slim and exceeding graceful; whilst the third, a solid and even rather
+sullen-looking bird, was beak-stamped with a legible D.
+
+"I will fly towards these royal birds," cried the Ugly Duckling. And he
+flew into the water, and swam towards those stately swans, who turned
+to meet him with sail-like wings the moment they saw him.
+
+"Why, he is one of us!" said the darker and statelier of the three.
+"Almost!" he added, _sotto voce_.
+
+The Ugly Duckling was startled at the remark. But looking at his
+reflection in the smooth lake he was more startled still. His own image
+was to his eyes no longer that of the Daring Duckling, much less of the
+Ugly One. It was smart, smooth, sleek, swelling, in fact swan-like!!!
+At any rate, he thought so, and so, indeed, the other three swans
+seemed to think.
+
+He preened his feathers, and puffed forth his plumes. He flapped his
+wings, and arched his neck, as he cried in the fullness of his heart:--
+
+"I never dreamed of such happiness when I was the Brummagem Ugly
+Duckling."
+
+<tb>
+
+It matters not being born in a duck-yard if one is hatched from a
+swan's egg!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_In Leisure Time_, by W. S. MAVOR (ELLIOT STOCK) is,
+so my Baronite reports, a daintily-bound little volume of blameless
+verse, unambitious, as may be inferred from its title. The author
+writes like a classical scholar, his lines are fluent and melodious,
+his metre and rhyme unimpeachable, while some of the poems, such as
+"Zaleucus" and "A Vision," rise distinctly above the general level.
+In others there are passages which my Baronite--a sadly prosaic and
+matter-of-fact person--owns to having found slightly obscure.
+
+For example, in the following couplet:--
+
+    "In vain the fickle demon sports
+    With fetid remnants of decay."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+He quite failed to discover what particular--or rather anything _but_
+particular--demon is referred to, or why he should amuse himself in so
+eccentric and unpleasant a manner.
+
+Nor, my Baronite says, was his conception of contentment greatly
+assisted by this somewhat complicated comparison:--
+
+    "Contentment is a love-commissioned barque
+    Sailing a self-less sea--a sea whose flood
+    Is ordered alway by the laughing guns
+    Of Virtue's fortalice, whose armament,
+    Primed with rose-petal powder, doth discharge
+    In generous rounds of sympathy with all,
+    Scattering happiness, whose smile betrays
+    The pangless hurt."
+
+But that, he is quite willing to admit, may be rather the fault of his
+own imagination than the poet's. Again, in a poem entitled "Love's
+Messengers," the author writes:--
+
+    "Flit thou along on softly feathered feet,
+    Noiseless, thou shadowy-pinioned minister,
+    And gently fan, _with midnight gale_, my sweet,
+                Lest thou awaken her."
+
+Which, to my Baronite, suggests the difficulty that, if the minister
+fans the lady with his shadowy pinions "gently," he will fail to
+produce anything resembling a "midnight gale"; on the other hand, if he
+performs the part of invisible punkah so energetically as to suggest
+a gale, he can hardly help awakening her unless she is a very heavy
+sleeper indeed--and _might_ give her a cold in the head. Surely this is
+rather an unfair dilemma on which to place a feathered minister of any
+denomination.
+
+But after all, poetry, as my Baronite fully recognises, is not meant to
+be judged by so literal a standard, and it may be cheerfully conceded
+that there are many people who make a less profitable use of their
+"Leisure Time" than Mr. MAVOR has done. In which opinion
+concurs
+
+  THE LEISURELY BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOP(E)FUL LIBERALISM IN KENT.--Sir ISRAEL HART of
+Hythe, thinks that if his friends do their work well, he may yet
+find in the Hytheians an Israel-light-hearted constituency. Sir
+ISRAEL is a _Jew d'esprit_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BICYCLE AGAIN.
+
+_Applicant for the Situation of Cook._ "BEFORE I GO, PLEASE, MA'AM,
+MAY I ASK YOUR SERVANT TO SHOW ME THE BASEMENT? I MUST SEE THAT YOU
+HAVE A CONVENIENT PLACE FOR MY BICYCLE!"
+
+_Mistress._ "OF COURSE I HAVE SEEN TO THAT. YOU WILL FIND A
+ROOM SET APART. ONLY I MUST TELL YOU THAT I DON'T ALLOW RATIONAL
+DRESS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR THE TAILORS' CONGRESS AT VERVIERS.
+
+1. Why should it take nine tailors to make a man?
+
+2. Ought you cut a coat according to your cloth, or according to the
+fashion?
+
+3. How do you cook a tailor's goose? Should it be basted?
+
+4. In England is the most suitable seaside resort for tailors
+Weskit-on-Sea, or Sheerness _sur la côte_?
+
+5. Shall a prize be given for the best essay on the advantage of having
+a pair of Pantaloons on the stage in a Pantomime?
+
+6. Is it a matter of universal complaint that a tailor should not be
+allowed to play billiards because he scarcely passes a day without
+cutting a cloth?
+
+7. What price for the best tale of a coat?
+
+8. Is it proved to satisfaction that SHAKSPEARE was a tailor
+from the fact of his having written _Measure for Measure_?
+
+9. Whether, for the next International Yacht Race, the tailors should
+enter a cutter?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD BADMINTON.--Among the contents of LONGMAN'S
+_Badminton Magazine_ is an article by the Markiss o' GRANBY
+on Grouse; SUSAN, not Black-eyed nor Rebellious, but Countess
+of Malmesbury, writes cleverly on her perch, and on the matter of
+salmon the Countess would count for a lot in any ex-salmonation. Lord
+ONSLOW on slow and on quick bicycling; capital. C. B.
+FRY, not one of the Small Fry, gives his ideal of a cricketing
+day, which is to be known as a "Fry-day." Then who is it writes a
+florid account of fishing in Florida? O'TIS MYGATT. The
+question of "What's on at Newmarket?" is pleasantly answered by
+ALFRED WATS-ON at Newmarket. On "Old Sporting Prints,"
+PEEK writes with point. And on "The Alpine 'Distress Signal'
+Scheme" there is a paper by C. T. DENT, who has been, more or
+less, a Re-si-dent on the spot, as this in-denture witnesseth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TO THE RANK OF MAJOR-GENERAL HAVE RISEN!"--_Critic._ From a
+paragraph in last week's _Truth_ we extract the following:--"Another
+scandalous 'selection' job has just been perpetrated at the War
+Office. Colonel TROTTER, who has been promoted to the rank of
+major-general, has seen no war service, and has no professional claims
+whatever upon the authorities." If this information be correct, the
+colonel should be remembered by the distinctly Dickensian title of
+_"Job" Trotter_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST KNIGHT OF THE SEASON.
+
+On Monday, July 29, Sir AUGUSTUS HARRIS, bidding farewell to
+a typical '95 Covent Garden audience (house crowded in every part),
+seized the opportunity to present one of his lightning conductors with
+a "_bâton_ of honour." In a spontaneous speech, DRURIOLANUS
+declared that Signor MANCINELLI had "worked like a Trojan,"
+and the announcement was received with sympathetic applause. Still,
+it was thought possible by those present that the pleasant and
+prosperous _impresario_ was in search of something that he had
+seemingly lost--"a little poem of his own." We have no hesitation in
+publishing the following lines, entitled _Sans Adieu_, found in the
+neighbourhood of the C. G. orchestra. If they are not from the pen of
+DRURIOLANUS, they ought to have been:--
+
+    Not farewell, my MANCINELLI!
+      MANCINELLI, _au revoir!_
+    As harmonious _fratelli_
+      We shall meet again! _Espoir!_
+    Take, oh take this shining _bâton_.
+      You're a marvel! _O, si sic!_
+    When you've got it, with your hat on.
+      _En vacance_ you'll cut your stick.
+
+    You will wave it, you will wield it
+      Always, my conductor prime,
+    Never up again you'll yield it,
+      Ever living to beat time!
+    Grasp it, use it, MANCINELLI!
+      Highest praise to you is due!
+    With it beat Old Time to jelly,
+      Till Conductor Time beats _you!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+More Honours.
+
+Motto for Sir WILLIAM DUNN: "_Ce qu'il fait c'est bien fait._"
+Likewise "Just Dunn enough."
+
+For Mr. JOHN TOMLINSON BRUNNER, M.P., a Brunneretcy.
+
+Motto for Sir A. B. FORWOOD: "_En avant! et plus en avant que
+jamais._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"H.M.S."--Should H.M. the King of the BELGIANS ask H. M.
+STANLEY, M.P., to return to Congo-land, the inquiry wired will
+take this simple form "_Congo?_" and the answer must be "_Can't go_."
+_On dit._ The H.M.'s have settled satisfactorily.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEDICAL CONGRESS.--Explanation:--The "Anti-toxin" party is
+against the use of a dinner bell or gong. They do not agree with Lord
+BYRON, "The tocsin of the soul, the dinner bell."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW KEEPERS.
+
+SQUIRE BULL (_to_ S-L-SB-RY _and_
+CH-MB-RL-N). "WELL, MY MEN--NOW I'VE TAKEN YOU ON, I SHALL
+EXPECT BIGGER BAGS THAN I'VE HAD LATELY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REMINISCENCE OF A RECENT POLITICAL CONTEST.
+
+_Harmless Individual_ (_who has suddenly and unexpectedly been
+assaulted and battered by inebriated party_). "YOU SCOUNDREL!
+WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS?"
+
+_Inebriated Politician._ "'LECKSHUNS, OLE F'LA!
+'LECKSHUNS!--(_hic_)----"
+
+ [_Comes a cropper himself._ #/ ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MEETING OF THE WATER-RATEPAYERS.
+
+ ["The New Town Hall in Mare Street, Hackney, was altogether too small
+ to hold the crowds who came last night (August 1) to protest against
+ the action of the East London Water Company in cutting down the supply
+ of water during the past few weeks."--_Evening News._]
+
+AIR--"_The Meeting of the Waters._"
+
+    There is not in the whole land a meeting so meet
+    As that of the ratepayers held at Mare Street.
+    No mare's nest they'd found, no, the Hackneyite heart
+    Was hot at the new Water Company start!
+
+    It _was_ not that Nature had stinted supply;
+    That Monopolist pretext appears "all my eye."
+    'Twas _not_ summer parching of river and rill,
+    Oh! no--it was something more troublesome still.
+
+    'Twas that greed and neglect had combined, it is clear,
+    To make East End water deficient and dear;
+    And Monopoly now the supply must improve,
+    Or more than mere Mare Streets will be on the move.
+
+    Big Monopolist Mammon, how calm could you rest
+    With your dividends high in the way you love best;
+    But when water runs short, and diseases increase,
+    The East End won't leave you and your Water at peace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GULLY-VER.--Mr. BALFOUR'S decision as to not
+disturbing the SPEAKER in his uneasy chair was e-gully
+awaited, and is, it is hoped, accepted e-gully by all parties. So now,
+in his chair, Mr. GULLY will reign re-gully.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST FASHION.--Bicycle dinners and suppers have been the
+vogue. _Pièce de résistance_ is of course "Cold Wheel." This dish is
+selected because whatever the number "wheel" is sure to go round.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVE OF ABSENCE TO AUGUST-OUT DALY CO.
+
+AUGUSTIN DALY'S Company has left us just as play-goers had
+taken a fancy to _Nancy & Co_. To paraphrase the old refrain--
+
+    And all their fancy
+    Dwelt upon NANCY
+     The play called _Nancy & Co._
+
+It went as a lively laughter-raiser should go, with Miss ADA
+REHAN excellent in every way; Miss MAXINE ELLIOT
+charming; JAMES LEWIS inimitably funny, and Mr.
+WORTHING ("quite a Bright'un," as WAGSTAFF says)
+capital. That the fun of a farcical comedy should be kept up through
+four acts is a tribute to the original work and to the skill of its
+adaptor, Mr. _Daly_ himself. _"Vive la Compagnie!" et au revoir!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Sportsman's View of It.
+
+    CHAMBERLAIN _vice_ ROSEBERY! What fun!
+      The change means order, peace, and lots of tin for us.
+    What are the Derbies twain young Primrose won
+      To the _New Markets_ many JOE will win for us?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AFTER THE CALL WAS OVER."
+
+(_Notes for an Additional Chapter to the History of Hullibulgaria._)
+
+The Deputation did their very best. They were most anxious to make
+things smooth. "He whom they desired to obey" would wear an inferior
+sort of crown, robes of cotton-backed velvet, trimmed with imitation
+fur. He would not give away orders--he would only take them. He would
+not command the army, save as an agent acting under direction from the
+Master. There is nothing he would not do to secure the goodwill of his
+great, his benevolent, his all-powerful Master.
+
+The Bear was very amiable. The Bear was pleased with the Deputation
+and with the nation they represented. And having said this, there was
+nothing further for the Bear to say.
+
+"But, most powerful of powers, most clement of sovereignties," urged
+the Deputation, "there is another matter needing decision. How about
+the Prince?"
+
+"What Prince?" softly murmured the Bear, in a tone of curiosity
+combined with astonishment.
+
+"The Prince we wish to serve," explained the Deputation; "the Prince
+who desires to serve you."
+
+"Have you read the Treaty of Berlin?" asked Bruin. "It is a most
+excellent agreement, and deserves special attention. Does the name of
+any Prince appear therein?"
+
+"No," replied the Deputation; "and the same painful omission is
+observable in the _Almanac de Gotha_. So we would petition on our
+knees that the painful omission should be supplied. We ask that the
+Prince----"
+
+"Stop! stop!" cried the Bear. "You are talking of a myth. As Mrs.
+GAMP--a well-known Englishwoman--once observed, 'I don't
+believe there ain't no sech person.' So think I, and so thinks the
+Treaty of Berlin."
+
+And so the Deputation returned from whence they came, and "the Prince"
+continued to "take the waters" without obtaining the cure he desired.
+It was disappointing to His Highness, but not to the Editor of the
+_Almanac de Gotha_, who found a revised edition of his excellent
+periodical was, at least for the present, unnecessary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What title will Baron DE WORMS take? Viscount
+CHRYSALIS? to end by becoming Le Duc DE PAPILLON?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Br-ce. B-nn-rm-n. Asq-th.
+
+A PARLIAMENTARY PROSPECT.
+
+_Sir W. V. H-rc-rt_ (_on Opposition Bench_). "HOW HOT AND
+UNCOMFORTABLE THEY MUST BE OVER THERE! SO CROWDED!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PASSION AND POETRY.
+
+I was immensely struck, a few days ago, by a passage in a speech
+recently delivered by the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, in
+which he explained his method of dispelling those passing fits of
+ill-temper from which, alas! not even Archbishops are wholly free. "At
+times," so ran the report of His Grace's words, "anger or irritation
+came upon him, but on the table he kept a book of pleasant poems,
+of which he would read a few lines, and the irritation would melt
+away." Immediately I determined to follow this noble example. It was
+unfortunate that the "book of pleasant poems" was not described more
+specifically--could it be the verses of Mr. ARTHUR CHRISTOPHER
+BENSON?--but I bought a pocket volume of _Selections from the
+Great Poets_, which contained enough variety to suit every case, and
+then looked out for an opportunity of trying the Archbishop's plan.
+
+I had not long to wait. That very evening I came across my uncle
+ROBERT at Clapham Junction, in a furious rage at having
+just missed the last train to Slowborough, where he lives. At once
+I produced my volume, and in slow and emphatic accents I read aloud
+some three or four hundred lines from "Paradise Lost." I was about
+to add one or two of WORDSWORTH'S sonnets, when I realised
+that my uncle had long since disappeared, and that I was surrounded
+by a jeering crowd, who evidently supposed me to be a member of the
+Salvation Army.
+
+On the following morning I received a visit from SNIPS, my
+tailor. He was impolite enough to suggest a settlement of what he
+termed my "small account," a demand, as I politely but plainly assured
+him, which was altogether absurd. As he showed distinct symptoms of
+irritation at this juncture, I began to read him a scene from _Measure
+for Measure_. Strangely enough, this seemed only to irritate him
+further, and I understand that he intends to take proceedings against
+me in the County Court. This second unaccountable failure of the
+Archbishop's remedy greatly surprised and pained me, but I decided to
+give it another trial.
+
+This morning I was playing golf with my friend MACFOOZLE.
+At no time a skilful golfer, MACFOOZLE'S form to-day was
+worse than ever; whenever he made a bad stroke--and he seldom made
+a good one--he indulged in the most violent language. Fortunately
+my volume of poetry was in my pocket. When he completely missed his
+drive at the second hole, I read him COLERIDGE'S _Dejection_.
+When he broke his mashie at the fourth, I treated him with copious
+selections from _In Memoriam_. Finally, he got badly bunkered while
+playing to the fourteenth hole. For some ten minutes he smote furiously
+with his niblick, only raising prodigious clouds of sand as the
+result of his efforts. This was clearly a golden opportunity for the
+Archbishop's cure, "anger and irritation" but faintly represented
+MACFOOZLE'S rage. Seating myself on the edge of the bunker,
+I began to read aloud _The Ring and the Book_ with the utmost pathos.
+Over what followed I prefer to draw a veil. It is enough to say that a
+niblick is a very effective weapon, and that I write these lines in bed.
+
+When I recover, I really must call at Lambeth for fuller directions.
+The archiepiscopal remedy for angry passions does not seem invariably
+happy in its results, as far as my experience goes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MALT-LIQUOR-TIPPLER'S MAXIM.--_"Nihil ale-ienum a me
+pewter":_--"Nothing in the shape of beer comes amiss to me if it's in a
+pewter."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EYE TO EFFECT.
+
+_Little Dives._ "OH, BY THE WAY, BELAIRS--AWFULLY SORRY TO CUT
+YOU OUT, YOU KNOW--BUT I'VE JUST PROPOSED TO LADY BARBARA, AND SHE'S
+ACCEPTED ME, AND WE'RE TO BE MARRIED IN SEPTEMBER. AND LOOK HERE, OLD
+CHAPPIE; I WANT YOU TO BE MY BEST MAN. I WANT TO MAKE A GOOD SHOW AT
+THE ALTAR, YOU KNOW!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Chip to the Champion.
+
+ [Mr. RANJITSINHJI is running Mr. W. G. GRACE very
+ close in the batting averages.]
+
+_To the ancient air of "Cheer up Sam!"_
+
+    BUCK-UP, GRACE!
+      And don't let your average down!
+    For "RANJIT" seems running you hard for first place,
+      To collar your Cricketing Crown!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PROUD O' THE TITLE."--Sir HENRY JAMES to be "Lord
+JEAMES." How delighted W. M. THACKERAY would have
+been!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By a Reasonable Rad.
+
+    _Why_ were we whipped? Rads wrangle round,
+      But to _the_ cause make scant allusion.
+    When all's summed up, it will be found,
+    "Fusion" has won against _Con_-fusion!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SUGGESTION.--In latest _Observer_ is a capital article by
+Mr. ESCOTT, whose text is that "smart" Society transplants to
+London all Parisian fashions that will bear the process. The title is
+"British Boulevardism;" but one still more suggestive of the mixture
+would be "John-Bullvardism." Perhaps Mr. ESCOTT may adopt this
+and give us another column.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROUNDABOUT READINGS.
+
+In a biographical sketch of the late Rev. Dr. JULIUS HAWLEY
+SEELYE, formerly President of Amherst College, in America, I
+read that "Amherst made him President notwithstanding considerable
+opposition in the faculty. He soon overcame that, and advanced the
+prosperity of the College in the accessions to its faculty and
+endowments that he secured. He soon required the students to sign an
+agreement to be gentlemen. A violation of the pledge resulted in the
+termination of their careers at Amherst." This sounds strange, for it
+would appear that if no pledge had been given the students might have
+behaved as they liked, without terminating their careers. The idea of
+solemnly pledging yourself to be a gentleman is quite colossal.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Independent Labour Party is not dead yet. It is forming clubs,
+just like any ordinary humdrum party. The _Western Daily Press_
+reports that "At a special meeting held at LEE'S Coffee
+Tavern, Bath Bridge, last night, when there were present Mr. W.
+S. M. KNIGHT, president of the Bristol South Independent Labour
+Party (in the chair), Messrs. A. BROWNE, E. B. HACK,
+C. VALE, C. F. BROCKLEHURST, T. POLE, C.
+PARKER, and W. PRICE, it was unanimously decided to open
+a club for Totterdown and the East Ward of Bedminster in connection
+with the Independent Labour Party. Officers and a committee were
+appointed, and suitable headquarters for the club were decided upon."
+Nothing could be more appropriate. Totterdown suggests decrepitude and
+failure (in this case at least), and Bedminster hints at repose and
+peace. I offer the suggestion and the hint gratis to the Independent
+Labour Windbags.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Loveday Street Canal Bridge (which is, I fancy, in Birmingham) is
+evidently a demon bridge with a depraved taste for injuring children.
+One day last week it threw JOHN CHICK, aged seven, off and
+broke one of his legs. About five hours later, resenting an attempt on
+the part of THOMAS WALTON, aged twelve, to climb it, it flung
+him off on to the towing-path and injured his back. A few days before
+that it had precipitated the same THOMAS WALTON into the
+water, whence he was rescued with some difficulty. Evidently this is a
+bridge with an ungovernable temper, and the authorities should guard it
+efficiently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Scotsman_ informs me that "speaking the other day at Haddington,
+Mr. BALFOUR glanced scathingly at those politicians of the
+baser sort who seek to confuse great issues by dragging to the front
+petty or irrelevant questions, and the breath of whose nostrils is
+the disturbance of the harmony which should subsist between class
+and class of the community." On this two questions arise. The first
+is how Mr. BALFOUR, an amiable gentleman, managed to glance
+scathingly. To scath, as I learn from the dictionary, means to hurt,
+to injure; and, personally, I cannot imagine Mr. BALFOUR
+infusing very much venom into a mere glance of his expressive eye. The
+second question is how politicians, even of the baser sort, can go on
+living when their unfortunate lungs are filled with a disturbance of
+harmony. That they should have sufficient strength left to drag to the
+front petty or irrelevant questions is nothing short of a marvel, due
+allowance being made for metaphors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A golfer is in trouble, and has confided his difficulties to _Golf_.
+
+ Whilst playing on the links at Streetly, on July 16, he drove a ball,
+ which apparently fell clear, but which for some time could not be
+ found. After some little hunting it was discovered under a small tuft
+ of heather in a lark's nest, resting on the back of a young lark,
+ apparently about four days old, together with three lark's eggs,
+ which were quite intact. The golfer was obliged, of course, to lift
+ the ball and place it behind, as it would have been gross cruelty to
+ have played it from the nest. It was match play. Under the exceptional
+ circumstances was he bound to lose the hole? The editor replies that
+ if a player were a stickler for the law and nothing but the law, he,
+ of course, would be entitled to enforce it against his opponent who
+ found the ball in the nest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    A tee for your ball, you may fashion of sand
+      (Which is found in the sugar you use for your tea);
+    Then you spread your legs wide, and you take a firm stand,
+      And away with a whack goes the ball flying free.
+
+    If it flies like a bird, there's no need to explain;
+      If not, then the ways of that golfer are dark,
+    Who attempts, though the effort is doomed to be vain,
+      To stand, taking tee on the back of a lark.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There has been some excitement at Weston-super-Mare. The "Conservative
+party organized a reception for the Hon. G. H. JOLLIFFE on his
+first appearance in the town since his election for the Wells division.
+Arrangements were made for those intending to take part in the
+procession to meet the hon. gentleman at the Potteries on his return
+from Banwell Horse Show at 7 p.m., but he arrived in the town a quarter
+of an hour too early, and scores of enthusiasts were disappointed.
+Those, however, who happened to be early enough followed the hon.
+gentleman, some on foot and others in cabs, to the Royal Hotel, the
+Town Band heading the procession. Mr. JOLLIFFE rode on a coach
+drawn by four horses, and was supported by several of the leaders of
+the party in the town. Subsequently he addressed those assembled."
+But if Mr. JOLLIFFE rode on a coach, why was it necessary to
+support him? Moreover, seeing that it was a four-horse affair, it seems
+unjust that the leaders should be talked of and that no mention at all
+should be made of the wheelers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NANA SAHIB has died once more.
+
+ A Mr. WILLIAM BROWN, who was formerly an officer in the East
+ India Company's service, and is now residing at San Francisco, gives
+ the following particulars regarding the fate of NANA SAHIB.
+ Mr. BROWN says that he was commodore of the Ganges Fleet
+ in the Indian Mutiny, and was attacked by Sepoys under NANA
+ SAHIB himself, who was shot in the fighting, and afterwards died
+ on board Mr. BROWN'S ship. NANA SAHIB'S body was
+ then cremated, and the ashes were committed to the river.
+
+Why, oh why, has Mr. BROWN, whom I heartily congratulate on
+clearing up the mystery, kept silence for nearly forty years? And, by
+the way, which Mr. WILLIAM BROWN is he? There must be a good
+many WILLIAM BROWN'S even in San Francisco. Before concluding
+that the matter is definitely settled, I should like to hear Mr.
+HENRY SMITH, Mr. RICHARD ROBINSON, and Mr. JOHN
+JONES on the subject.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE NOT TO GO.
+
+  (_Hints by our Pessimist Passenger._)
+
+  _Amsterdam._--Too much sea before you get there.
+
+  _Boulogne._--Not particularly pleasant at low tide.
+
+  _Cologne._--The reverse of fragrant at all times.
+
+  _Dieppe._--The trap of the tripper.
+
+  _Etretat._--No longer what it was.
+
+  _Frankfort._--Only good for a change of money.
+
+  _Geneva._--Dull and dear.
+
+  _Heidelberg._--Too much hill, and too little castle.
+
+  _Interlaken._--The 'appy 'ome of 'ARRY.
+
+  _Jura Pass._--Sure find for BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON.
+
+  _Karlsbad._--Kill or cure.
+
+  _Lyons._--Apotheosis of silk monotonous.
+
+  _Marseilles._--Good place for musquitoes, bad for all else.
+
+  _Nice._--Too near to Monte Carlo.
+
+  _Ouchy._--Hotel good, but surroundings superfluous.
+
+  _Paris._--Too hot. Theatres closed and wideawakes seen on the
+  boulevards.
+
+  _Quebec._--Dangerous rival to Bath, Coventry, and Jericho.
+
+  _Rotterdam._--Worthy of its name.
+
+  _Suez._--Not comparable to Cairo.
+
+  _Trouville._--Requires antedating a quarter of a century.
+
+  _Uig._--Skyed and out of reach.
+
+  _Venice._--Vulgarised by the steam launches.
+
+  _Wiesbaden._--Has not yet recovered the loss of its table.
+
+  _Xerez._--Long journey for a glass of sherry.
+
+  _Yokohama._--Not a patch upon Pekin.
+
+  _Zurich._--Alliterative attraction for zomebody.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BONNE BOUCHE.
+
+_Mr. Wagstaff._ Ah! I have lived many years in the bush.
+
+_Mrs. Leo Hunter._ How interesting! I suppose you must have become
+almost savage!
+
+_Mr. W. Frequently_, when I couldn't get a 'bus or a cab.
+
+_Mrs. L. H._ (_utterly astonished_). A 'bus or a cab! in the bush!!
+
+_Mr. W._ (_pleasantly_). Ah, yes; I was talking of "Shepherd's Bush."
+Good morning.
+
+ [_Exit chuckling._
+
+ [{asterism} _Note by the Bird in the Bush._--In future this
+ little jest of WAGGY'S will be impossible, as it is proposed
+ to re-name Shepherd's Bush, and call it Pastoral Park, or All-Askew
+ Park, or something of the sort.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SORTES SHAKSPERIANÆ."--On the new Postmaster-General:--
+
+  "Friend post the Duke of NORFOLK."
+
+  _Richard the Third_, Act iv., Scene 4.
+
+
+And we hope his Grace will be "Friend post," and benefit us all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A volume of Reminiscences by HENRY RUSSELL is promised.
+Evidently this ought to be a "Cheery, Boys, Cheery" sort of book.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+109, August 10, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK 44809 ***