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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109,
+August 10, 1895, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, August 10, 1895
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 31, 2014 [EBook #44809]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 109.
+
+_August 10, 1895._
+
+
+
+
+A PSALM OF AUGUST.
+
+(_For the Circular Tourist_.)
+
+    Tell me not, in Summer numbers,
+      "Holidays are but a dream!"
+    If you hold that vacs are slumbers,
+      Well--things are not what they seem.
+
+    COOK is real! GAZE is earnest!
+      And the earth's end is their goal;
+    "Bust" thou art, and "bust" returnest,
+      Sing they to the tripper's soul.
+
+    Not enjoyment--rather, sorrow
+      Greets the tourist on his way;
+    His to toil, that each to-morrow
+      Find him farther on his way.
+
+    Tours are long, and Time is fleeting,
+      While we dire discomfort brave;
+    In globe-trotting, record-beating,
+      Pleasure surely finds its grave.
+
+    Let us, still, each town be "doing,"
+      Since "tow-rowing" is our fate--
+    Then, half-dead with guide-pursuing,
+      Brag o'er those at home who wait!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"FORWOOD BOYS."--Sir ARTHUR FORWOOD, the new Baronet,
+observes the Day-by-Day-istical writer in the _Daily Telegraph_, "is
+not to be confounded with his brother, Sir WILLIAM FORWOOD."
+Why not? Why interfere with the liberty of speech on the part of some
+Radicals, who might say "Confound 'em both!" Or, in the words of the
+National Anthem, "Confound their politics."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OMITTED FROM THE GRACIOUS SPEECH OF H.R.H. THE PRINCE OF WALES AT
+THE OPENING OF THE SOUTHAMPTON NEW DOCK.--"I appear here as the
+Judge, at whose word the prisoner is to be let into the dock, and,
+subsequently, let out again. Ladies and gentlemen, the prisoner is--the
+water." (_Cheers._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRESIDING DEITY. 1895.
+
+VENUS AN--ILINE DYE--OMENE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOEYING AT THE PRINCE OF WALES'S.
+
+There have been JOES not a few on the stage. Coming down from
+the time of JOE GRIMALDI, we pass on the way _Joseph Andrews_,
+_Poll and Partner Joe_, _Poor Joe_ from _Bleak House_, and many other
+JOES until we come to _Gentleman Joe_, hansom cab-driver,
+played by ARTHUR ROBERTS. The question and answer in the old
+idiotic nigger song applies appropriately here, with slight adaptation:
+
+          What! _de_ JOE? Yes! _de_ JOE.
+    Spruce JOE kicking up ahind and afore,
+    KITTY LOFTUS playing up to Mister JOE.
+
+And with the assistance of the always graceful PHYLLIS
+BROUGHTON--of whom _Gentleman Joe_ might have sung, but doesn't,
+"PHYLLIS is my only _Fare_"--aided also by the pretty-voiced
+LETTIE SEARLE, helped by the sprightly earnestness of Miss
+CLARA JECKS, who has turned over a new leaf and come out as a
+page, and kept moving by the dashing "go" of Miss SADIE JEROME
+(not at all a "sad eye" nor a "say die" sort of young lady) as _Lalage
+Potts_, this two-act musical farce, beginning as a kind of _High Life
+below Stairs_ and ending anyhow, offering, as it does, opportunities
+to Our Only ARTHUR for introducing into it any amount of
+"divarsion" in the way of new songs, eccentric speeches, nods, winks,
+becks, and wreathed smiles, may be continuing its successful career in
+the summer of '96, there being no apparent reason why its run should
+ever stop, that is as long as _Gentleman Arthur Joe Roberts_ handles
+the ribands as the popular _Cabbing-it Minister_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW TITLE.--Our GRACE, the cricketer, is not made
+a "Sir" or raised to a dukedom. There is, however, in view of present
+craze, a great chance for conferring the greater honour on a champion
+bicyclist. His title would be "The Duke of WHEELINGTON."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCRAPS FROM CHAPS.
+
+A DIVIDEND DESERVED.--The Glasgow Town Council has been
+running its own tram-cars for a year past, and has cleared more than
+£20,000 of profit for the citizens out of the business. There is huge
+rejoicing on the Clyde, and no wonder, as the result is due to sheer
+good management, without over-charging the public or over-driving the
+drivers. The Tramways Committee reports:--
+
+ Further, the Committee have given effect to what they believe to
+ be the general feeling of the citizens--viz., that the cars, which
+ necessarily form a notable feature of the streets of the city,
+ should not only be tasteful in design and colour, and comfortable
+ for passengers, but also that their general appearance should not be
+ marred or their destinations obscured by advertisements.
+
+Moral for many southern railway, tram, and omnibus companies--Go and do
+likewise! Moral for Glasgow citizens--Get carried over your tram-lines
+often enough, and you'll carry over a big dividend to decrease your
+next year's rates!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUB-LIME!--This is how "business" is transacted by some of the
+Youghal Town Commissioners. The question was--who should supply them
+with lime!
+
+ _Mr. Kennedy._ I propose that thirty-nine barrels be bought and paid
+ for.
+
+ _Mr. Loughlan._ I propose that he supply the lime at 1_s._ per barrel.
+
+ _Mr. Long_ (_warmly_). I say the Board can't do anything of the kind.
+
+ _Mr. Loughlan._ You'll get choked if you don't keep cool (_laughter_).
+
+ _Mr. Long_ (_excitedly_). Take care of your windpipe (_laughter_). I
+ suppose he gave you a few good lumps of lime (_loud laughter_).
+
+ _Mr. Loughlan_ (_jumping up excitedly_). Now that is a gross insult.
+
+ _The Chairman._ Order, order, gentlemen.
+
+    Then Youghal's worried chairman raised a cry of "Order!"--when
+    A lump of old white limestone took him in the abdomen;
+    And he smiled a wan official smile and walked out at the door,
+    And the tongues of LONG and LOUGHLAN interested him no more.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PORKERS AND PAUPERS.--Bath Workhouse pigs "live on the best of
+good cheer" in the form and substance of milk, so the municipal pork
+and rate-aided bacon ought to be prime. The _Bristol Mercury_ reports a
+meeting of the Bath guardians, when
+
+ Mr. MANCHIP called attention to the fact that some of the
+ children did not even touch their milk gruel and dry bread which
+ was served out for breakfast. On Friday morning when the visitors
+ were at the Workhouse at seven o'clock two buckets of milk gruel
+ were taken out to the pigs. Mr. MANCHIP proposed that the
+ Medical Officer be asked if he would be good enough at his earliest
+ convenience to consider whether a change could be made in the
+ children's diet. The Chairman thought if the gruel was sweetened with
+ a spoonful of treacle the children would then like it. It was agreed
+ to give the Chairman's suggestion a fortnight's trial.
+
+Congratulations to the Bath children on being e-manchip-ated from their
+old diet!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For securing "absolute impartiality" in conferring the prizes at the
+Llanelly National Eisteddfod, the judges had "a pit dug for them,"
+into which they disappeared during the progress of competitions,
+so that participators could not "fix them with a glittering
+eye," and compel them (by hypnotic means) to award a prize. Sir
+JOSEPH BARNBY--warbling, _sotto voce_, "This is my time for
+disappearing"--greatly enjoyed these dives to the bottom of the well
+in search of Truth, and no doubt the novel departure "assisted" the
+blindness of Justice. But, so far as dignity is concerned, "Oh! the
+pit-y of it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    We read of a cooky at Claughton,
+    In music she was a self-taught'un;
+          But her mistress, I fear,
+          Said 'twas nothing but beer
+
+that caused her cook to vociferate hymns and, in her harmonious
+enthusiasm, to return home towards midnight and hammer loudly at the
+door. We know not whether this melodious _cuisinière's_ recipe for
+cleaning fire-irons "with a wet rag and a bucket of water" is to be
+found in Mrs. GLASSE'S _Art of Cookery_, but the learned Judge
+decided in favour of the mistress, against whom MARY ROGERS (a
+poetical name forsooth) brought an action for unjustifiable dismissal.
+Alas! poor cook. She must, henceforward, do her stewing without singing
+and her "mashes" without melody.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Mr. HENRY MCCALMONT gives "receptions" they will be
+styled, not "_soirées_," but "After-Newnes."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DOTH NOT A 'MEETING' LIKE THIS MAKE AMENDS?"
+
+_Duke of W-stm-nst-r_ (_as they come out of the Hall, Chester_).
+"EXCELLENT SPEECH, SIR! SO VERY KIND OF YOU TO COME!"
+
+_Mr. G._ "DON'T MENTION IT, DUKE. IF THERE'S ONE THING I LIKE MORE
+THAN ANOTHER, IT'S A NON-POLITICAL MEETING!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOLILOQUY IN ST. JAMES'S PARK.
+
+(_By a Socialistic Loafer._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    Besoide the worter in Sin Jimes's Pork,
+    I've stritched meself ter snooze hunder this ole tree--
+    But cawn't, fur all the keckle, screech, an' squork,
+    From these yere ducks an' swans, an' sim'lar poultry!
+
+    Them fowls is kep' up orf the Nytion's fun's;
+    If yer chucked stones at 'em there'd be a fuss mide;
+    They're reg'lar bustin' with the kikes an' buns
+    As they gits frowed by hevery kiddy's nuss-mide!
+
+    I'll lay a femily cud liv fur weeks
+    On arf the screps them lyzy hoidle ducks re-jecks
+    hevery hour, a-turnin' up their beaks,
+    An' wallerin' in comfit an' in lux'ry!
+
+    Whoy should the loikes o' them 'ave hall the luck,
+    Whoile sech as me----? It's skendalus, I s'y 'tis,
+    That--jest becos I ain't a bloomin' duck--
+    Sercoiety don't grub and board me grytis!
+
+    Some d'y we'll mike hour vices 'eard, in 'owls
+    O' ryge, an' s'y to--well, no matter _'oo_ it is--
+    "Ain't we more fit ter live nor worter-fowls?
+    We're yumin beans--not feathered sooperflooities!"
+
+    I'd cop thet one jess waddlin' hup the grorss,
+    An' twist 'is neck--'e's honly fit fur cookin';
+    I would, on _prinserple_, as bold as brorss--
+    If that there bloomin' Keeper wasn't lookin'!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"OH! LIZA."--Another subject for CHEVALIER. A special
+meeting was held in Liverpool to protest against the presence of
+Cockney costers who, it was asserted, seriously injured the business
+of Liverpudlian "market-tenants." Mr. WALKER (is he of the
+celebrated Hookey branch of the family?) averred that he had "seen a
+coster with his barrow standing before the LORD MAYOR'S shop
+for half-an-hour." Our sympathetic soul weeps at this gross injustice
+to the worthy syndic, and we trust it will not cost-er him too much.
+But, as the lawyer remarked, _de costibus non est disputandum_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+C. C. NEWS. LATEST (LAST THURSDAY) AS TO SCHOOL BOARD
+SQUABBLES.--Mr. BOWIE wanted to have his Bowie-knife into
+Mr. DIGGLE and others; but was prevented. A BOWIE,
+not very sharp and without point, is rather a useless weapon in a fight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WURM WURK!"--At Bexhill-on-Sea the "Improvement
+Committee"--(how wise of Bexhill-on-Sea to have instituted a
+permanent "Improvement Committee," otherwise it might become
+Bexhill-_at_-Sea!)--has engaged the exclusive services of Herr
+WURM and his band. New motto for this new watering-place, "The
+Early Beaks-'ll catch the Wurm." The musical _pabulum_ here provided
+will be known as "the Diet of Wurm's." Band to play during every meal.
+Likewise "Wurm Baths" with music. The eminent conductor will Wurm
+himself into favour with everyone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Daily Telegraph_ notifies a novelty in return tickets introduced
+by the South London Electric Railway. "The return half of the ticket is
+usable at any time." The idea being not "Go as you please," but "Go as
+we (the Co.) please, and come back as you like."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE EXTINCTION OF THE HORSE.
+
+_Squire._ "ISN'T THAT THE MARE, COPER, YOU HOPED TO MAKE THREE
+FIGURES OF AS A LADY'S HACK!"
+
+_Local Dealer._ "YES, SIR, THIS IS HER, WORSE LUCK! SHE'LL HAVE TO
+GO FOR A 'CABBER' NOW--UNLESS I BOIL HER DOWN FOR BICYCLE OIL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LA GÉOGRAPHIE DE LONDRES.
+
+_À Monsieur Punch._
+
+MONSIEUR,--_Je viens d'arriver_--but hold! I go to write in
+english, which I know enough well. I am come to London to this Congress
+of Geographs. I cross the Sleeve--_la Manche_, how say you? Ah _la
+douleureuse traversée_, the dolorous traversy! In fine, the train
+arrives at a station. I seek, I regard, I read the soap, the mustard,
+the other _réclames_--how say you?--but not the name of the station.
+Then a cry, "Londonbridg!" Ah, it is the station of London! _Sapristi_,
+how she is little this station! _La gare de Londres_ no more great than
+a station of _banlieue_, near to Paris. Eh well, I descend immediately.
+I seek my baggages, I go to find a _fiacre_, a "ansom." Then in English
+I say to the coacher, "George Street, Number Forty." "Olraïttseu," say
+he. What is this that this is that that? I comprehend not. But all of
+same I mount in carriage and we part.
+
+Soon we arrive. Hold! This is a street of commerce; there is there but
+offices. And not of number forty.
+
+"Nottir, maounsiah?" say the coacher. Ah, I comprehend! "No," say I,
+"not here." "Minnoriss," say he. "How?" say I; but we are in road.
+Hold! Again a street of commerce--but of the most villain. I anger
+myself. I cry, "Coacher, I have said you George Street." "Olraïtt,
+maounsiah," say he, "this is George Street." "Not here," I respond. "Is
+there two George Streets?" Then he swear, he laugh; he ask that he may
+be blown; he say more, that I comprehend not. In fine, he say, "Taoua
+Ill." Again a George Street. But here some warehouses only. Then the
+coacher say, "Shoditch," and we go. Again a George Street! Still more
+small! Again one time I anger myself. I ask to him, "Where go you?" He
+say, "Which George Street is it?" I say, "George Street, London." Then
+he laugh again, and he swear; and he say, "Ollaouai." Again a George
+Street! _Tiens, c'est embêtant!_ But it is but a street of commerce,
+and very little. "Islingtonn," say he. What! again a George Street?
+_Sapristi! Quelle ville!_ If they love the name of George, these
+English! But, no, still a poor little street. "Blakfraïahs," say the
+coacher. We traverse some streets, some streets, without end! In fine,
+see there number forty. But it is a little shop. _Mille tonnerres! Pas
+encore!_ "Youstonn Road," say he. Again some streets, some streets,
+without end! And again a street of commerce. And again the number forty
+is a shop! _Sacré nom d'une pipe!_ "Lissn Grov," say he. Again some
+_kilomètres_ to traverse. What! Again a George Street? How many of them
+is there, of these George Streets? And again, as you say in english,
+"No go." But all of same we go, for the coacher say "Manshestasquaiah."
+I shut myself the eyes, and I repose myself.
+
+Ah, that values better! In fine, a better street. And see, there number
+forty! What joy! In fine, I arrive. How it is fatiguing, this course
+in London, long of three hours or more! I descend. I demand my friend.
+What? He live not here? He is gone? _A la bonne heure!_ "One more," say
+the coacher. "What," I cry, "again a George Street?" "Yess, maounsiah,
+Annovasquaiah." Then this one is not the house of my friend, this one
+is not the George Street that I seek! _Que le diable enlève_----
+
+But we continue, we arrive, in fine, it is here. All exhausted I
+descend. How much pays one the course in London? In Paris it is 1·50.
+Ah! in London it must be one shilling and half. This one has been a
+long course; I go to give a good _pourboire_, one shilling. I offer
+to the cabman two shillings and half. Then he cry, he swear, he
+descend, he wish to fight me. I say, "It is not enough? How much?"
+He say, "Tenbobb." What is this that this is that that? In fine, my
+friends come from the house, they explain that that wishes to say,
+"Ten shillings," they say he has reason, and I pay him. It costs dear
+the cab of London. But it is equal to me, for now I go to pronounce a
+discourse before the Geographical Congress on the George Streets of
+London. He will be of the most interestings, of the most curious. I beg
+you, Mister _Punch_, to make me the honour of to come to hear him, and
+to agree the assurance of my sentiments the most distinguished.
+
+  AUGUSTE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POLITICAL UGLY DUCKLING.
+
+(_Fragments of a Brummagem Fairy Tale._)
+
+It was in a big town in the Midlands that the Ugly Duckling first
+chipped shell. "_Cheek! Cheek! Cheek!_" squeaked the youngster as he
+crept out. How big and ugly he was, to be sure! Not a bit like the
+other ducklings. In fact he was a portent, and a puzzle.
+
+However, the ugly, grey-coated youngster, took to the water, and swam
+about like the rest. "He's every inch my own child, after all," said
+the old duck. "And really he's very pretty, when one comes to look at
+him attentively. Quack! quack!" added she; "now, come along, and I'll
+take you into high society. Now move on, and mind you cackle properly,
+and bow your head before that old duck yonder, who is the noblest born
+of them all. Now bend your neck, and say 'Quack!'"
+
+But the Ugly Duckling was an odd bird, as well as an ill-favoured one,
+and gave much trouble and excited much jealousy in the duck-yard. He
+quacked indeed, but he would not bend his head or bow to the old duck
+properly.
+
+"He remained too long in the egg-shell," mused the maternal bird; "and
+therefore his figure, like his manners, is not properly formed on the
+true duck model. But as he's a male duck it won't matter so much. I
+think he'll prove strong, and be able to fight his way through the
+world." Which was true.
+
+<tb>
+
+But at first the Ugly Duckling had a baddish time of it. He was bitten,
+pushed about, and made game of, not only by the ducks, but by the hens.
+They all declared he was much too big, and fancied himself too much.
+He certainly was not graceful, and he had a cocky, self-assertive
+air which irritated the Conservative Old Cockalorums. He was always
+making unexpected and unducklike sorties, "alarums and excursions,"
+and lifting up his raucus-caucus voice against the time-honoured rules
+and respectable conventions of the duck-pond. So much so, that they
+nicknamed him the "Daring Duckling," and prophesied that he would come
+to a bad end.
+
+So he ran away, and flew over the palings.
+
+<tb>
+
+He had many adventures, and various. He dwelt for a time with a lot
+of wild ducks in a marsh, and even struck up a sort of friendship
+for a swarm of wild geese, who wanted to do away with domestication
+and destroy the "tame villatic" tendencies of gregarious goosedom,
+and abolish barn-yards and duck-ponds, peacocks, and game-fowls, and
+guinea-hens, and poulterer's shops, and _pâté de foie gras_, and other
+checks on liberty and incentives to luxury. But somehow he didn't get
+on with the wild ducks for long. He was so much wilder than they, and
+wanted his own way too much and too often for the old and recognised
+leaders of their flocks. And as to the wild geese, why he soon lost
+sympathy with their "revolutionary programmes" and "subversive
+schemes," which he learned to regard indeed as a sort of wild goose
+chase, and deride and denounce as vehemently as he had aforetime
+praised them.
+
+"I think I'll take my chance, and go abroad into the wide world," said
+the Duckling.
+
+<tb>
+
+One evening, just as the sun was setting, there came a whole flock of
+beautiful large birds from a grove. The Ugly Duckling had never seen
+any so lovely before. They were dazzlingly white, with long graceful
+necks: they were swans. They uttered a peculiar cry, and then spread
+their magnificent wings and away they flew from this cold country to
+warmer lands across the open sea, as was their usual custom. They rose
+so high that the Ugly Duckling felt a strange sensation come over him,
+a sort of delicious vertigo. He turned round and round in the water
+like a wheel, stretched his neck up into the air toward them, and
+uttered so loud and strange a cry that he was frightened at it himself.
+Oh! never could he again forget those beautiful, happy birds, so
+gracefully fleeting against a primrose sky. He knew not how those birds
+were called, nor whither they were bound, but he felt an affection for
+them, such as he had never yet experienced for any living creature.
+And he more and more lost love for, and patience with, all his old
+associates, ducks or geese, wild or domesticated.
+
+<tb>
+
+The Ugly Duckling now felt able to flap his wings. They rustled much
+louder than before, and bore him away most sturdily; and before long he
+found himself in a noble park, a nobleman's park; indeed, the dainty
+demesne of one of those who "toil not neither do they spin." It was
+quite Beaconsfieldian in its beauty, with its smooth emerald sward and
+umbrageous elm-avenues, its dusky cedar clumps and tail-spreading,
+crest-sunning peacocks.
+
+"Dear me!" mused the Ugly Duckling. "It is strange, but _I feel quite
+at home here!!!_"
+
+Three magnificent white swans now emerged from the thicket before him;
+they flapped their wings and then swam lightly on the surface of the
+water. The larger one (whose beak bore the letter S as a "nick") was
+dark and haughty of mien, the second (whose beak was branded B) was
+slim and exceeding graceful; whilst the third, a solid and even rather
+sullen-looking bird, was beak-stamped with a legible D.
+
+"I will fly towards these royal birds," cried the Ugly Duckling. And he
+flew into the water, and swam towards those stately swans, who turned
+to meet him with sail-like wings the moment they saw him.
+
+"Why, he is one of us!" said the darker and statelier of the three.
+"Almost!" he added, _sotto voce_.
+
+The Ugly Duckling was startled at the remark. But looking at his
+reflection in the smooth lake he was more startled still. His own image
+was to his eyes no longer that of the Daring Duckling, much less of the
+Ugly One. It was smart, smooth, sleek, swelling, in fact swan-like!!!
+At any rate, he thought so, and so, indeed, the other three swans
+seemed to think.
+
+He preened his feathers, and puffed forth his plumes. He flapped his
+wings, and arched his neck, as he cried in the fullness of his heart:--
+
+"I never dreamed of such happiness when I was the Brummagem Ugly
+Duckling."
+
+<tb>
+
+It matters not being born in a duck-yard if one is hatched from a
+swan's egg!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_In Leisure Time_, by W. S. MAVOR (ELLIOT STOCK) is,
+so my Baronite reports, a daintily-bound little volume of blameless
+verse, unambitious, as may be inferred from its title. The author
+writes like a classical scholar, his lines are fluent and melodious,
+his metre and rhyme unimpeachable, while some of the poems, such as
+"Zaleucus" and "A Vision," rise distinctly above the general level.
+In others there are passages which my Baronite--a sadly prosaic and
+matter-of-fact person--owns to having found slightly obscure.
+
+For example, in the following couplet:--
+
+    "In vain the fickle demon sports
+    With fetid remnants of decay."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+He quite failed to discover what particular--or rather anything _but_
+particular--demon is referred to, or why he should amuse himself in so
+eccentric and unpleasant a manner.
+
+Nor, my Baronite says, was his conception of contentment greatly
+assisted by this somewhat complicated comparison:--
+
+    "Contentment is a love-commissioned barque
+    Sailing a self-less sea--a sea whose flood
+    Is ordered alway by the laughing guns
+    Of Virtue's fortalice, whose armament,
+    Primed with rose-petal powder, doth discharge
+    In generous rounds of sympathy with all,
+    Scattering happiness, whose smile betrays
+    The pangless hurt."
+
+But that, he is quite willing to admit, may be rather the fault of his
+own imagination than the poet's. Again, in a poem entitled "Love's
+Messengers," the author writes:--
+
+    "Flit thou along on softly feathered feet,
+    Noiseless, thou shadowy-pinioned minister,
+    And gently fan, _with midnight gale_, my sweet,
+                Lest thou awaken her."
+
+Which, to my Baronite, suggests the difficulty that, if the minister
+fans the lady with his shadowy pinions "gently," he will fail to
+produce anything resembling a "midnight gale"; on the other hand, if he
+performs the part of invisible punkah so energetically as to suggest
+a gale, he can hardly help awakening her unless she is a very heavy
+sleeper indeed--and _might_ give her a cold in the head. Surely this is
+rather an unfair dilemma on which to place a feathered minister of any
+denomination.
+
+But after all, poetry, as my Baronite fully recognises, is not meant to
+be judged by so literal a standard, and it may be cheerfully conceded
+that there are many people who make a less profitable use of their
+"Leisure Time" than Mr. MAVOR has done. In which opinion
+concurs
+
+  THE LEISURELY BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOP(E)FUL LIBERALISM IN KENT.--Sir ISRAEL HART of
+Hythe, thinks that if his friends do their work well, he may yet
+find in the Hytheians an Israel-light-hearted constituency. Sir
+ISRAEL is a _Jew d'esprit_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BICYCLE AGAIN.
+
+_Applicant for the Situation of Cook._ "BEFORE I GO, PLEASE, MA'AM,
+MAY I ASK YOUR SERVANT TO SHOW ME THE BASEMENT? I MUST SEE THAT YOU
+HAVE A CONVENIENT PLACE FOR MY BICYCLE!"
+
+_Mistress._ "OF COURSE I HAVE SEEN TO THAT. YOU WILL FIND A
+ROOM SET APART. ONLY I MUST TELL YOU THAT I DON'T ALLOW RATIONAL
+DRESS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR THE TAILORS' CONGRESS AT VERVIERS.
+
+1. Why should it take nine tailors to make a man?
+
+2. Ought you cut a coat according to your cloth, or according to the
+fashion?
+
+3. How do you cook a tailor's goose? Should it be basted?
+
+4. In England is the most suitable seaside resort for tailors
+Weskit-on-Sea, or Sheerness _sur la côte_?
+
+5. Shall a prize be given for the best essay on the advantage of having
+a pair of Pantaloons on the stage in a Pantomime?
+
+6. Is it a matter of universal complaint that a tailor should not be
+allowed to play billiards because he scarcely passes a day without
+cutting a cloth?
+
+7. What price for the best tale of a coat?
+
+8. Is it proved to satisfaction that SHAKSPEARE was a tailor
+from the fact of his having written _Measure for Measure_?
+
+9. Whether, for the next International Yacht Race, the tailors should
+enter a cutter?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD BADMINTON.--Among the contents of LONGMAN'S
+_Badminton Magazine_ is an article by the Markiss o' GRANBY
+on Grouse; SUSAN, not Black-eyed nor Rebellious, but Countess
+of Malmesbury, writes cleverly on her perch, and on the matter of
+salmon the Countess would count for a lot in any ex-salmonation. Lord
+ONSLOW on slow and on quick bicycling; capital. C. B.
+FRY, not one of the Small Fry, gives his ideal of a cricketing
+day, which is to be known as a "Fry-day." Then who is it writes a
+florid account of fishing in Florida? O'TIS MYGATT. The
+question of "What's on at Newmarket?" is pleasantly answered by
+ALFRED WATS-ON at Newmarket. On "Old Sporting Prints,"
+PEEK writes with point. And on "The Alpine 'Distress Signal'
+Scheme" there is a paper by C. T. DENT, who has been, more or
+less, a Re-si-dent on the spot, as this in-denture witnesseth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TO THE RANK OF MAJOR-GENERAL HAVE RISEN!"--_Critic._ From a
+paragraph in last week's _Truth_ we extract the following:--"Another
+scandalous 'selection' job has just been perpetrated at the War
+Office. Colonel TROTTER, who has been promoted to the rank of
+major-general, has seen no war service, and has no professional claims
+whatever upon the authorities." If this information be correct, the
+colonel should be remembered by the distinctly Dickensian title of
+_"Job" Trotter_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST KNIGHT OF THE SEASON.
+
+On Monday, July 29, Sir AUGUSTUS HARRIS, bidding farewell to
+a typical '95 Covent Garden audience (house crowded in every part),
+seized the opportunity to present one of his lightning conductors with
+a "_bâton_ of honour." In a spontaneous speech, DRURIOLANUS
+declared that Signor MANCINELLI had "worked like a Trojan,"
+and the announcement was received with sympathetic applause. Still,
+it was thought possible by those present that the pleasant and
+prosperous _impresario_ was in search of something that he had
+seemingly lost--"a little poem of his own." We have no hesitation in
+publishing the following lines, entitled _Sans Adieu_, found in the
+neighbourhood of the C. G. orchestra. If they are not from the pen of
+DRURIOLANUS, they ought to have been:--
+
+    Not farewell, my MANCINELLI!
+      MANCINELLI, _au revoir!_
+    As harmonious _fratelli_
+      We shall meet again! _Espoir!_
+    Take, oh take this shining _bâton_.
+      You're a marvel! _O, si sic!_
+    When you've got it, with your hat on.
+      _En vacance_ you'll cut your stick.
+
+    You will wave it, you will wield it
+      Always, my conductor prime,
+    Never up again you'll yield it,
+      Ever living to beat time!
+    Grasp it, use it, MANCINELLI!
+      Highest praise to you is due!
+    With it beat Old Time to jelly,
+      Till Conductor Time beats _you!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+More Honours.
+
+Motto for Sir WILLIAM DUNN: "_Ce qu'il fait c'est bien fait._"
+Likewise "Just Dunn enough."
+
+For Mr. JOHN TOMLINSON BRUNNER, M.P., a Brunneretcy.
+
+Motto for Sir A. B. FORWOOD: "_En avant! et plus en avant que
+jamais._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"H.M.S."--Should H.M. the King of the BELGIANS ask H. M.
+STANLEY, M.P., to return to Congo-land, the inquiry wired will
+take this simple form "_Congo?_" and the answer must be "_Can't go_."
+_On dit._ The H.M.'s have settled satisfactorily.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEDICAL CONGRESS.--Explanation:--The "Anti-toxin" party is
+against the use of a dinner bell or gong. They do not agree with Lord
+BYRON, "The tocsin of the soul, the dinner bell."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW KEEPERS.
+
+SQUIRE BULL (_to_ S-L-SB-RY _and_
+CH-MB-RL-N). "WELL, MY MEN--NOW I'VE TAKEN YOU ON, I SHALL
+EXPECT BIGGER BAGS THAN I'VE HAD LATELY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REMINISCENCE OF A RECENT POLITICAL CONTEST.
+
+_Harmless Individual_ (_who has suddenly and unexpectedly been
+assaulted and battered by inebriated party_). "YOU SCOUNDREL!
+WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS?"
+
+_Inebriated Politician._ "'LECKSHUNS, OLE F'LA!
+'LECKSHUNS!--(_hic_)----"
+
+ [_Comes a cropper himself._ #/ ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MEETING OF THE WATER-RATEPAYERS.
+
+ ["The New Town Hall in Mare Street, Hackney, was altogether too small
+ to hold the crowds who came last night (August 1) to protest against
+ the action of the East London Water Company in cutting down the supply
+ of water during the past few weeks."--_Evening News._]
+
+AIR--"_The Meeting of the Waters._"
+
+    There is not in the whole land a meeting so meet
+    As that of the ratepayers held at Mare Street.
+    No mare's nest they'd found, no, the Hackneyite heart
+    Was hot at the new Water Company start!
+
+    It _was_ not that Nature had stinted supply;
+    That Monopolist pretext appears "all my eye."
+    'Twas _not_ summer parching of river and rill,
+    Oh! no--it was something more troublesome still.
+
+    'Twas that greed and neglect had combined, it is clear,
+    To make East End water deficient and dear;
+    And Monopoly now the supply must improve,
+    Or more than mere Mare Streets will be on the move.
+
+    Big Monopolist Mammon, how calm could you rest
+    With your dividends high in the way you love best;
+    But when water runs short, and diseases increase,
+    The East End won't leave you and your Water at peace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GULLY-VER.--Mr. BALFOUR'S decision as to not
+disturbing the SPEAKER in his uneasy chair was e-gully
+awaited, and is, it is hoped, accepted e-gully by all parties. So now,
+in his chair, Mr. GULLY will reign re-gully.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST FASHION.--Bicycle dinners and suppers have been the
+vogue. _Pièce de résistance_ is of course "Cold Wheel." This dish is
+selected because whatever the number "wheel" is sure to go round.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVE OF ABSENCE TO AUGUST-OUT DALY CO.
+
+AUGUSTIN DALY'S Company has left us just as play-goers had
+taken a fancy to _Nancy & Co_. To paraphrase the old refrain--
+
+    And all their fancy
+    Dwelt upon NANCY
+     The play called _Nancy & Co._
+
+It went as a lively laughter-raiser should go, with Miss ADA
+REHAN excellent in every way; Miss MAXINE ELLIOT
+charming; JAMES LEWIS inimitably funny, and Mr.
+WORTHING ("quite a Bright'un," as WAGSTAFF says)
+capital. That the fun of a farcical comedy should be kept up through
+four acts is a tribute to the original work and to the skill of its
+adaptor, Mr. _Daly_ himself. _"Vive la Compagnie!" et au revoir!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Sportsman's View of It.
+
+    CHAMBERLAIN _vice_ ROSEBERY! What fun!
+      The change means order, peace, and lots of tin for us.
+    What are the Derbies twain young Primrose won
+      To the _New Markets_ many JOE will win for us?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AFTER THE CALL WAS OVER."
+
+(_Notes for an Additional Chapter to the History of Hullibulgaria._)
+
+The Deputation did their very best. They were most anxious to make
+things smooth. "He whom they desired to obey" would wear an inferior
+sort of crown, robes of cotton-backed velvet, trimmed with imitation
+fur. He would not give away orders--he would only take them. He would
+not command the army, save as an agent acting under direction from the
+Master. There is nothing he would not do to secure the goodwill of his
+great, his benevolent, his all-powerful Master.
+
+The Bear was very amiable. The Bear was pleased with the Deputation
+and with the nation they represented. And having said this, there was
+nothing further for the Bear to say.
+
+"But, most powerful of powers, most clement of sovereignties," urged
+the Deputation, "there is another matter needing decision. How about
+the Prince?"
+
+"What Prince?" softly murmured the Bear, in a tone of curiosity
+combined with astonishment.
+
+"The Prince we wish to serve," explained the Deputation; "the Prince
+who desires to serve you."
+
+"Have you read the Treaty of Berlin?" asked Bruin. "It is a most
+excellent agreement, and deserves special attention. Does the name of
+any Prince appear therein?"
+
+"No," replied the Deputation; "and the same painful omission is
+observable in the _Almanac de Gotha_. So we would petition on our
+knees that the painful omission should be supplied. We ask that the
+Prince----"
+
+"Stop! stop!" cried the Bear. "You are talking of a myth. As Mrs.
+GAMP--a well-known Englishwoman--once observed, 'I don't
+believe there ain't no sech person.' So think I, and so thinks the
+Treaty of Berlin."
+
+And so the Deputation returned from whence they came, and "the Prince"
+continued to "take the waters" without obtaining the cure he desired.
+It was disappointing to His Highness, but not to the Editor of the
+_Almanac de Gotha_, who found a revised edition of his excellent
+periodical was, at least for the present, unnecessary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What title will Baron DE WORMS take? Viscount
+CHRYSALIS? to end by becoming Le Duc DE PAPILLON?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Br-ce. B-nn-rm-n. Asq-th.
+
+A PARLIAMENTARY PROSPECT.
+
+_Sir W. V. H-rc-rt_ (_on Opposition Bench_). "HOW HOT AND
+UNCOMFORTABLE THEY MUST BE OVER THERE! SO CROWDED!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PASSION AND POETRY.
+
+I was immensely struck, a few days ago, by a passage in a speech
+recently delivered by the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, in
+which he explained his method of dispelling those passing fits of
+ill-temper from which, alas! not even Archbishops are wholly free. "At
+times," so ran the report of His Grace's words, "anger or irritation
+came upon him, but on the table he kept a book of pleasant poems,
+of which he would read a few lines, and the irritation would melt
+away." Immediately I determined to follow this noble example. It was
+unfortunate that the "book of pleasant poems" was not described more
+specifically--could it be the verses of Mr. ARTHUR CHRISTOPHER
+BENSON?--but I bought a pocket volume of _Selections from the
+Great Poets_, which contained enough variety to suit every case, and
+then looked out for an opportunity of trying the Archbishop's plan.
+
+I had not long to wait. That very evening I came across my uncle
+ROBERT at Clapham Junction, in a furious rage at having
+just missed the last train to Slowborough, where he lives. At once
+I produced my volume, and in slow and emphatic accents I read aloud
+some three or four hundred lines from "Paradise Lost." I was about
+to add one or two of WORDSWORTH'S sonnets, when I realised
+that my uncle had long since disappeared, and that I was surrounded
+by a jeering crowd, who evidently supposed me to be a member of the
+Salvation Army.
+
+On the following morning I received a visit from SNIPS, my
+tailor. He was impolite enough to suggest a settlement of what he
+termed my "small account," a demand, as I politely but plainly assured
+him, which was altogether absurd. As he showed distinct symptoms of
+irritation at this juncture, I began to read him a scene from _Measure
+for Measure_. Strangely enough, this seemed only to irritate him
+further, and I understand that he intends to take proceedings against
+me in the County Court. This second unaccountable failure of the
+Archbishop's remedy greatly surprised and pained me, but I decided to
+give it another trial.
+
+This morning I was playing golf with my friend MACFOOZLE.
+At no time a skilful golfer, MACFOOZLE'S form to-day was
+worse than ever; whenever he made a bad stroke--and he seldom made
+a good one--he indulged in the most violent language. Fortunately
+my volume of poetry was in my pocket. When he completely missed his
+drive at the second hole, I read him COLERIDGE'S _Dejection_.
+When he broke his mashie at the fourth, I treated him with copious
+selections from _In Memoriam_. Finally, he got badly bunkered while
+playing to the fourteenth hole. For some ten minutes he smote furiously
+with his niblick, only raising prodigious clouds of sand as the
+result of his efforts. This was clearly a golden opportunity for the
+Archbishop's cure, "anger and irritation" but faintly represented
+MACFOOZLE'S rage. Seating myself on the edge of the bunker,
+I began to read aloud _The Ring and the Book_ with the utmost pathos.
+Over what followed I prefer to draw a veil. It is enough to say that a
+niblick is a very effective weapon, and that I write these lines in bed.
+
+When I recover, I really must call at Lambeth for fuller directions.
+The archiepiscopal remedy for angry passions does not seem invariably
+happy in its results, as far as my experience goes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MALT-LIQUOR-TIPPLER'S MAXIM.--_"Nihil ale-ienum a me
+pewter":_--"Nothing in the shape of beer comes amiss to me if it's in a
+pewter."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EYE TO EFFECT.
+
+_Little Dives._ "OH, BY THE WAY, BELAIRS--AWFULLY SORRY TO CUT
+YOU OUT, YOU KNOW--BUT I'VE JUST PROPOSED TO LADY BARBARA, AND SHE'S
+ACCEPTED ME, AND WE'RE TO BE MARRIED IN SEPTEMBER. AND LOOK HERE, OLD
+CHAPPIE; I WANT YOU TO BE MY BEST MAN. I WANT TO MAKE A GOOD SHOW AT
+THE ALTAR, YOU KNOW!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Chip to the Champion.
+
+ [Mr. RANJITSINHJI is running Mr. W. G. GRACE very
+ close in the batting averages.]
+
+_To the ancient air of "Cheer up Sam!"_
+
+    BUCK-UP, GRACE!
+      And don't let your average down!
+    For "RANJIT" seems running you hard for first place,
+      To collar your Cricketing Crown!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PROUD O' THE TITLE."--Sir HENRY JAMES to be "Lord
+JEAMES." How delighted W. M. THACKERAY would have
+been!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By a Reasonable Rad.
+
+    _Why_ were we whipped? Rads wrangle round,
+      But to _the_ cause make scant allusion.
+    When all's summed up, it will be found,
+    "Fusion" has won against _Con_-fusion!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SUGGESTION.--In latest _Observer_ is a capital article by
+Mr. ESCOTT, whose text is that "smart" Society transplants to
+London all Parisian fashions that will bear the process. The title is
+"British Boulevardism;" but one still more suggestive of the mixture
+would be "John-Bullvardism." Perhaps Mr. ESCOTT may adopt this
+and give us another column.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROUNDABOUT READINGS.
+
+In a biographical sketch of the late Rev. Dr. JULIUS HAWLEY
+SEELYE, formerly President of Amherst College, in America, I
+read that "Amherst made him President notwithstanding considerable
+opposition in the faculty. He soon overcame that, and advanced the
+prosperity of the College in the accessions to its faculty and
+endowments that he secured. He soon required the students to sign an
+agreement to be gentlemen. A violation of the pledge resulted in the
+termination of their careers at Amherst." This sounds strange, for it
+would appear that if no pledge had been given the students might have
+behaved as they liked, without terminating their careers. The idea of
+solemnly pledging yourself to be a gentleman is quite colossal.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Independent Labour Party is not dead yet. It is forming clubs,
+just like any ordinary humdrum party. The _Western Daily Press_
+reports that "At a special meeting held at LEE'S Coffee
+Tavern, Bath Bridge, last night, when there were present Mr. W.
+S. M. KNIGHT, president of the Bristol South Independent Labour
+Party (in the chair), Messrs. A. BROWNE, E. B. HACK,
+C. VALE, C. F. BROCKLEHURST, T. POLE, C.
+PARKER, and W. PRICE, it was unanimously decided to open
+a club for Totterdown and the East Ward of Bedminster in connection
+with the Independent Labour Party. Officers and a committee were
+appointed, and suitable headquarters for the club were decided upon."
+Nothing could be more appropriate. Totterdown suggests decrepitude and
+failure (in this case at least), and Bedminster hints at repose and
+peace. I offer the suggestion and the hint gratis to the Independent
+Labour Windbags.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Loveday Street Canal Bridge (which is, I fancy, in Birmingham) is
+evidently a demon bridge with a depraved taste for injuring children.
+One day last week it threw JOHN CHICK, aged seven, off and
+broke one of his legs. About five hours later, resenting an attempt on
+the part of THOMAS WALTON, aged twelve, to climb it, it flung
+him off on to the towing-path and injured his back. A few days before
+that it had precipitated the same THOMAS WALTON into the
+water, whence he was rescued with some difficulty. Evidently this is a
+bridge with an ungovernable temper, and the authorities should guard it
+efficiently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Scotsman_ informs me that "speaking the other day at Haddington,
+Mr. BALFOUR glanced scathingly at those politicians of the
+baser sort who seek to confuse great issues by dragging to the front
+petty or irrelevant questions, and the breath of whose nostrils is
+the disturbance of the harmony which should subsist between class
+and class of the community." On this two questions arise. The first
+is how Mr. BALFOUR, an amiable gentleman, managed to glance
+scathingly. To scath, as I learn from the dictionary, means to hurt,
+to injure; and, personally, I cannot imagine Mr. BALFOUR
+infusing very much venom into a mere glance of his expressive eye. The
+second question is how politicians, even of the baser sort, can go on
+living when their unfortunate lungs are filled with a disturbance of
+harmony. That they should have sufficient strength left to drag to the
+front petty or irrelevant questions is nothing short of a marvel, due
+allowance being made for metaphors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A golfer is in trouble, and has confided his difficulties to _Golf_.
+
+ Whilst playing on the links at Streetly, on July 16, he drove a ball,
+ which apparently fell clear, but which for some time could not be
+ found. After some little hunting it was discovered under a small tuft
+ of heather in a lark's nest, resting on the back of a young lark,
+ apparently about four days old, together with three lark's eggs,
+ which were quite intact. The golfer was obliged, of course, to lift
+ the ball and place it behind, as it would have been gross cruelty to
+ have played it from the nest. It was match play. Under the exceptional
+ circumstances was he bound to lose the hole? The editor replies that
+ if a player were a stickler for the law and nothing but the law, he,
+ of course, would be entitled to enforce it against his opponent who
+ found the ball in the nest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    A tee for your ball, you may fashion of sand
+      (Which is found in the sugar you use for your tea);
+    Then you spread your legs wide, and you take a firm stand,
+      And away with a whack goes the ball flying free.
+
+    If it flies like a bird, there's no need to explain;
+      If not, then the ways of that golfer are dark,
+    Who attempts, though the effort is doomed to be vain,
+      To stand, taking tee on the back of a lark.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There has been some excitement at Weston-super-Mare. The "Conservative
+party organized a reception for the Hon. G. H. JOLLIFFE on his
+first appearance in the town since his election for the Wells division.
+Arrangements were made for those intending to take part in the
+procession to meet the hon. gentleman at the Potteries on his return
+from Banwell Horse Show at 7 p.m., but he arrived in the town a quarter
+of an hour too early, and scores of enthusiasts were disappointed.
+Those, however, who happened to be early enough followed the hon.
+gentleman, some on foot and others in cabs, to the Royal Hotel, the
+Town Band heading the procession. Mr. JOLLIFFE rode on a coach
+drawn by four horses, and was supported by several of the leaders of
+the party in the town. Subsequently he addressed those assembled."
+But if Mr. JOLLIFFE rode on a coach, why was it necessary to
+support him? Moreover, seeing that it was a four-horse affair, it seems
+unjust that the leaders should be talked of and that no mention at all
+should be made of the wheelers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NANA SAHIB has died once more.
+
+ A Mr. WILLIAM BROWN, who was formerly an officer in the East
+ India Company's service, and is now residing at San Francisco, gives
+ the following particulars regarding the fate of NANA SAHIB.
+ Mr. BROWN says that he was commodore of the Ganges Fleet
+ in the Indian Mutiny, and was attacked by Sepoys under NANA
+ SAHIB himself, who was shot in the fighting, and afterwards died
+ on board Mr. BROWN'S ship. NANA SAHIB'S body was
+ then cremated, and the ashes were committed to the river.
+
+Why, oh why, has Mr. BROWN, whom I heartily congratulate on
+clearing up the mystery, kept silence for nearly forty years? And, by
+the way, which Mr. WILLIAM BROWN is he? There must be a good
+many WILLIAM BROWN'S even in San Francisco. Before concluding
+that the matter is definitely settled, I should like to hear Mr.
+HENRY SMITH, Mr. RICHARD ROBINSON, and Mr. JOHN
+JONES on the subject.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE NOT TO GO.
+
+  (_Hints by our Pessimist Passenger._)
+
+  _Amsterdam._--Too much sea before you get there.
+
+  _Boulogne._--Not particularly pleasant at low tide.
+
+  _Cologne._--The reverse of fragrant at all times.
+
+  _Dieppe._--The trap of the tripper.
+
+  _Etretat._--No longer what it was.
+
+  _Frankfort._--Only good for a change of money.
+
+  _Geneva._--Dull and dear.
+
+  _Heidelberg._--Too much hill, and too little castle.
+
+  _Interlaken._--The 'appy 'ome of 'ARRY.
+
+  _Jura Pass._--Sure find for BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON.
+
+  _Karlsbad._--Kill or cure.
+
+  _Lyons._--Apotheosis of silk monotonous.
+
+  _Marseilles._--Good place for musquitoes, bad for all else.
+
+  _Nice._--Too near to Monte Carlo.
+
+  _Ouchy._--Hotel good, but surroundings superfluous.
+
+  _Paris._--Too hot. Theatres closed and wideawakes seen on the
+  boulevards.
+
+  _Quebec._--Dangerous rival to Bath, Coventry, and Jericho.
+
+  _Rotterdam._--Worthy of its name.
+
+  _Suez._--Not comparable to Cairo.
+
+  _Trouville._--Requires antedating a quarter of a century.
+
+  _Uig._--Skyed and out of reach.
+
+  _Venice._--Vulgarised by the steam launches.
+
+  _Wiesbaden._--Has not yet recovered the loss of its table.
+
+  _Xerez._--Long journey for a glass of sherry.
+
+  _Yokohama._--Not a patch upon Pekin.
+
+  _Zurich._--Alliterative attraction for zomebody.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BONNE BOUCHE.
+
+_Mr. Wagstaff._ Ah! I have lived many years in the bush.
+
+_Mrs. Leo Hunter._ How interesting! I suppose you must have become
+almost savage!
+
+_Mr. W. Frequently_, when I couldn't get a 'bus or a cab.
+
+_Mrs. L. H._ (_utterly astonished_). A 'bus or a cab! in the bush!!
+
+_Mr. W._ (_pleasantly_). Ah, yes; I was talking of "Shepherd's Bush."
+Good morning.
+
+ [_Exit chuckling._
+
+ [{asterism} _Note by the Bird in the Bush._--In future this
+ little jest of WAGGY'S will be impossible, as it is proposed
+ to re-name Shepherd's Bush, and call it Pastoral Park, or All-Askew
+ Park, or something of the sort.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SORTES SHAKSPERIANÆ."--On the new Postmaster-General:--
+
+  "Friend post the Duke of NORFOLK."
+
+  _Richard the Third_, Act iv., Scene 4.
+
+
+And we hope his Grace will be "Friend post," and benefit us all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A volume of Reminiscences by HENRY RUSSELL is promised.
+Evidently this ought to be a "Cheery, Boys, Cheery" sort of book.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+109, August 10, 1895, by Various
+
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+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109,
+August 10, 1895, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, August 10, 1895
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 31, 2014 [EBook #44809]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_61" id="Page_61">[Pg 61]</a></span></p>
+
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.<br /><br />
+<small>Vol. 109.<span class="sc">August 10, 1895.</span></small><br /><br />
+<span class="smaller"><em>edited by Sir Francis Burnand</em></span></h1>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<p class="ph3"><a name="A_PSALM_OF_AUGUST" id="A_PSALM_OF_AUGUST">A PSALM OF AUGUST.</a></p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>For the Circular Tourist.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Tell me not, in Summer numbers,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">"Holidays are but a dream!"<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If you hold that vacs are slumbers,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Well&mdash;things are not what they seem.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Cook</span> is real! <span class="smcap">Gaze</span> is earnest!<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And the earth's end is their goal;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Bust" thou art, and "bust" returnest,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Sing they to the tripper's soul.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Not enjoyment&mdash;rather, sorrow<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Greets the tourist on his way;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">His to toil, that each to-morrow<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Find him farther on his way.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Tours are long, and Time is fleeting,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">While we dire discomfort brave;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In globe-trotting, record-beating,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Pleasure surely finds its grave.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Let us, still, each town be "doing,"<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Since "tow-rowing" is our fate&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then, half-dead with guide-pursuing,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Brag o'er those at home who wait!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Forwood Boys.</span>"&mdash;Sir <span class="smcap">Arthur Forwood</span>, the new Baronet,
+observes the Day-by-Day-istical writer in the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, "is
+not to be confounded with his brother, Sir <span class="smcap">William Forwood</span>."
+Why not? Why interfere with the liberty of speech on the part of some
+Radicals, who might say "Confound 'em both!" Or, in the words of the
+National Anthem, "Confound their politics."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Omitted from the Gracious Speech of H.R.H. the Prince of Wales at
+the opening of the Southampton New Dock.</span>&mdash;"I appear here as the
+Judge, at whose word the prisoner is to be let into the dock, and,
+subsequently, let out again. Ladies and gentlemen, the prisoner is&mdash;the
+water." (<i>Cheers.</i>)</p>
+
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 232px;">
+<a href="images/061full.jpg">
+<img src="images/061.jpg" width="232" height="500" alt="PRESIDING DEITY" /></a>
+<div class="caption">PRESIDING DEITY. 1895.</div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Venus An&mdash;iline dye&mdash;omene.</span></p></div>
+
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">JOEYING AT THE PRINCE OF WALES'S.</p>
+
+<p>There have been <span class="smcap">Joes</span> not a few on the stage. Coming down from
+the time of <span class="smcap">Joe Grimaldi</span>, we pass on the way <i>Joseph Andrews</i>,
+<i>Poll and Partner Joe</i>, <i>Poor Joe</i> from <i>Bleak House</i>, and many other
+<span class="smcap">Joes</span> until we come to <i>Gentleman Joe</i>, hansom cab-driver,
+played by <span class="smcap">Arthur Roberts</span>. The question and answer in the old
+idiotic nigger song applies appropriately here, with slight adaptation:</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i6">What! <i>de</i> <span class="smcap">Joe</span>? Yes! <i>de</i> <span class="smcap">Joe</span>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Spruce <span class="smcap">Joe</span> kicking up ahind and afore,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Kitty Loftus</span> playing up to Mister <span class="smcap">Joe</span>.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>And with the assistance of the always graceful <span class="smcap">Phyllis
+Broughton</span>&mdash;of whom <i>Gentleman Joe</i> might have sung, but doesn't,
+"<span class="smcap">Phyllis</span> is my only <i>Fare</i>"&mdash;aided also by the pretty-voiced
+<span class="smcap">Lettie Searle</span>, helped by the sprightly earnestness of Miss
+<span class="smcap">Clara Jecks</span>, who has turned over a new leaf and come out as a
+page, and kept moving by the dashing "go" of Miss <span class="smcap">Sadie Jerome</span>
+(not at all a "sad eye" nor a "say die" sort of young lady) as <i>Lalage
+Potts</i>, this two-act musical farce, beginning as a kind of <i>High Life
+below Stairs</i> and ending anyhow, offering, as it does, opportunities
+to Our Only <span class="smcap">Arthur</span> for introducing into it any amount of
+"divarsion" in the way of new songs, eccentric speeches, nods, winks,
+becks, and wreathed smiles, may be continuing its successful career in
+the summer of '96, there being no apparent reason why its run should
+ever stop, that is as long as <i>Gentleman Arthur Joe Roberts</i> handles
+the ribands as the popular <i>Cabbing-it Minister</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A New Title.</span>&mdash;Our <span class="smcap">Grace</span>, the cricketer, is not made
+a "Sir" or raised to a dukedom. There is, however, in view of present
+craze, a great chance for conferring the greater honour on a champion
+bicyclist. His title would be "The Duke of <span class="smcap">Wheelington</span>."</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">SCRAPS FROM CHAPS.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Dividend Deserved.</span>&mdash;The Glasgow Town Council has been
+running its own tram-cars for a year past, and has cleared more than
+£20,000 of profit for the citizens out of the business. There is huge
+rejoicing on the Clyde, and no wonder, as the result is due to sheer
+good management, without over-charging the public or over-driving the
+drivers. The Tramways Committee reports:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquote">
+
+<p>Further, the Committee have given effect to what they believe to
+be the general feeling of the citizens&mdash;viz., that the cars, which
+necessarily form a notable feature of the streets of the city,
+should not only be tasteful in design and colour, and comfortable
+for passengers, but also that their general appearance should not be
+marred or their destinations obscured by advertisements.</p></div>
+
+<p>Moral for many southern railway, tram, and omnibus companies&mdash;Go and do
+likewise! Moral for Glasgow citizens&mdash;Get carried over your tram-lines
+often enough, and you'll carry over a big dividend to decrease your
+next year's rates!</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Sub-lime!</span>&mdash;This is how "business" is transacted by some of the
+Youghal Town Commissioners. The question was&mdash;who should supply them
+with lime!</p>
+
+<div class="blockquote">
+
+<p><i>Mr. Kennedy.</i> I propose that thirty-nine barrels be bought and paid
+for.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Loughlan.</i> I propose that he supply the lime at 1<i>s.</i> per barrel.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Long</i> (<i>warmly</i>). I say the Board can't do anything of the kind.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Loughlan.</i> You'll get choked if you don't keep cool (<i>laughter</i>).</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Long</i> (<i>excitedly</i>). Take care of your windpipe (<i>laughter</i>). I
+suppose he gave you a few good lumps of lime (<i>loud laughter</i>).</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Loughlan</i> (<i>jumping up excitedly</i>). Now that is a gross insult.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Chairman.</i> Order, order, gentlemen.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Then Youghal's worried chairman raised a cry of "Order!"&mdash;when<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">A lump of old white limestone took him in the abdomen;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And he smiled a wan official smile and walked out at the door,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And the tongues of <span class="smcap">Long</span> and <span class="smcap">Loughlan</span> interested him no more.<br /></span>
+</div></div></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Porkers and Paupers.</span>&mdash;Bath Workhouse pigs "live on the best of
+good cheer" in the form and substance of milk, so the municipal pork
+and rate-aided bacon ought to be prime. The <i>Bristol Mercury</i> reports a
+meeting of the Bath guardians, when</p>
+
+<div class="blockquote">
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="smcap">Manchip</span> called attention to the fact that some of the
+children did not even touch their milk gruel and dry bread which
+was served out for breakfast. On Friday morning when the visitors
+were at the Workhouse at seven o'clock two buckets of milk gruel
+were taken out to the pigs. Mr. <span class="smcap">Manchip</span> proposed that the
+Medical Officer be asked if he would be good enough at his earliest
+convenience to consider whether a change could be made in the
+children's diet. The Chairman thought if the gruel was sweetened with
+a spoonful of treacle the children would then like it. It was agreed
+to give the Chairman's suggestion a fortnight's trial.</p></div>
+
+<p>Congratulations to the Bath children on being e-manchip-ated from their
+old diet!</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>For securing "absolute impartiality" in conferring the prizes at the
+Llanelly National Eisteddfod, the judges had "a pit dug for them,"
+into which they disappeared during the progress of competitions,
+so that participators could not "fix them with a glittering
+eye," and compel them (by hypnotic means) to award a prize. Sir
+<span class="smcap">Joseph Barnby</span>&mdash;warbling, <i>sotto voce</i>, "This is my time for
+disappearing"&mdash;greatly enjoyed these dives to the bottom of the well
+in search of Truth, and no doubt the novel departure "assisted" the
+blindness of Justice. But, so far as dignity is concerned, "Oh! the
+pit-y of it."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">We read of a cooky at Claughton,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In music she was a self-taught'un;<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">But her mistress, I fear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i6">Said 'twas nothing but beer<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>that caused her cook to vociferate hymns and, in her harmonious
+enthusiasm, to return home towards midnight and hammer loudly at the
+door. We know not whether this melodious <i>cuisinière's</i> recipe for
+cleaning fire-irons "with a wet rag and a bucket of water" is to be
+found in Mrs. <span class="smcap">Glasse's</span> <i>Art of Cookery</i>, but the learned Judge
+decided in favour of the mistress, against whom <span class="smcap">Mary Rogers</span> (a
+poetical name forsooth) brought an action for unjustifiable dismissal.
+Alas! poor cook. She must, henceforward, do her stewing without singing
+and her "mashes" without melody.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>When Mr. <span class="smcap">Henry McCalmont</span> gives "receptions" they will be
+styled, not "<i>soirées</i>," but "After-Newnes."</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_62" id="Page_62">[Pg 62]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 558px;">
+<a href="images/062full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/062.jpg" width="558" height="700" alt="DOTH NOT A 'MEETING' LIKE THIS MAKE AMENDS" />
+</a>
+<div class="caption">"DOTH NOT A 'MEETING' LIKE THIS MAKE AMENDS?"</div>
+
+<p><i>Duke of W-stm-nst-r</i> (<i>as they come out of the Hall, Chester</i>).
+"<span class="smcap">Excellent Speech, Sir! So very kind of you to come!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. G.</i> "<span class="smcap">Don't mention it, Duke. If there's one thing I like more
+than another, it's a Non-Political Meeting!</span>"</p></div>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_63" id="Page_63">[Pg 63]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 750px;">
+<a href="images/063full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/063.jpg" width="750" height="636" alt="A SOLILOQUY IN ST. JAMES'S PARK" />
+</a>
+<div class="caption">A SOLILOQUY IN ST. JAMES'S PARK.</div>
+
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By a Socialistic Loafer.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Besoide the worter in Sin Jimes's Pork,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I've stritched meself ter snooze hunder this ole tree&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But cawn't, fur all the keckle, screech, an' squork,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">From these yere ducks an' swans, an' sim'lar poultry!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Them fowls is kep' up orf the Nytion's fun's;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If yer chucked stones at 'em there'd be a fuss mide;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">They're reg'lar bustin' with the kikes an' buns<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As they gits frowed by hevery kiddy's nuss-mide!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I'll lay a femily cud liv fur weeks<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">On arf the screps them lyzy hoidle ducks re-jecks<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">hevery hour, a-turnin' up their beaks,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' wallerin' in comfit an' in lux'ry!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Whoy should the loikes o' them 'ave hall the luck,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Whoile sech as me&mdash;&mdash;? It's skendalus, I s'y 'tis,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That&mdash;jest becos I ain't a bloomin' duck&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sercoiety don't grub and board me grytis!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Some d'y we'll mike hour vices 'eard, in 'owls<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">O' ryge, an' s'y to&mdash;well, no matter <i>'oo</i> it is&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Ain't we more fit ter live nor worter-fowls?<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">We're yumin beans&mdash;not feathered sooperflooities!"<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">I'd cop thet one jess waddlin' hup the grorss,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">An' twist 'is neck&mdash;'e's honly fit fur cookin';<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">I would, on <i>prinserple</i>, as bold as brorss&mdash;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">If that there bloomin' Keeper wasn't lookin'!<br /></span>
+</div></div></div>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Oh! Liza.</span>"&mdash;Another subject for <span class="smcap">Chevalier</span>. A special
+meeting was held in Liverpool to protest against the presence of
+Cockney costers who, it was asserted, seriously injured the business
+of Liverpudlian "market-tenants." Mr. <span class="smcap">Walker</span> (is he of the
+celebrated Hookey branch of the family?) averred that he had "seen a
+coster with his barrow standing before the <span class="smcap">Lord Mayor's</span> shop
+for half-an-hour." Our sympathetic soul weeps at this gross injustice
+to the worthy syndic, and we trust it will not cost-er him too much.
+But, as the lawyer remarked, <i>de costibus non est disputandum</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">C. C. News. Latest (last Thursday) as to School Board
+Squabbles.</span>&mdash;Mr. <span class="smcap">Bowie</span> wanted to have his Bowie-knife into
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Diggle</span> and others; but was prevented. A <span class="smcap">Bowie</span>,
+not very sharp and without point, is rather a useless weapon in a fight.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Wurm Wurk!</span>"&mdash;At Bexhill-on-Sea the "Improvement
+Committee"&mdash;(how wise of Bexhill-on-Sea to have instituted a
+permanent "Improvement Committee," otherwise it might become
+Bexhill-<i>at</i>-Sea!)&mdash;has engaged the exclusive services of Herr
+<span class="smcap">Wurm</span> and his band. New motto for this new watering-place, "The
+Early Beaks-'ll catch the Wurm." The musical <i>pabulum</i> here provided
+will be known as "the Diet of Wurm's." Band to play during every meal.
+Likewise "Wurm Baths" with music. The eminent conductor will Wurm
+himself into favour with everyone.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The <i>Daily Telegraph</i> notifies a novelty in return tickets introduced
+by the South London Electric Railway. "The return half of the ticket is
+usable at any time." The idea being not "Go as you please," but "Go as
+we (the Co.) please, and come back as you like."</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_64" id="Page_64">[Pg 64]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 800px;">
+<a href="images/064full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/064.jpg" width="800" height="565" alt="THE EXTINCTION OF THE HORSE" />
+</a><div class="caption">THE EXTINCTION OF THE HORSE.</div>
+
+<p><i>Squire.</i> "<span class="smcap">Isn't that the Mare, Coper, you hoped to make three
+figures of as a Lady's Hack!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Local Dealer.</i> "<span class="smcap">Yes, Sir, this is her, worse luck! She'll have to
+go for a 'Cabber' now&mdash;unless I boil her down for Bicycle Oil!"</span></p></div>
+
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">LA GÉOGRAPHIE DE LONDRES.</p>
+
+<p class="center"><i>À Monsieur Punch.</i></p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Monsieur</span>,&mdash;<i>Je viens d'arriver</i>&mdash;but hold! I go to write in
+english, which I know enough well. I am come to London to this Congress
+of Geographs. I cross the Sleeve&mdash;<i>la Manche</i>, how say you? Ah <i>la
+douleureuse traversée</i>, the dolorous traversy! In fine, the train
+arrives at a station. I seek, I regard, I read the soap, the mustard,
+the other <i>réclames</i>&mdash;how say you?&mdash;but not the name of the station.
+Then a cry, "Londonbridg!" Ah, it is the station of London! <i>Sapristi</i>,
+how she is little this station! <i>La gare de Londres</i> no more great than
+a station of <i>banlieue</i>, near to Paris. Eh well, I descend immediately.
+I seek my baggages, I go to find a <i>fiacre</i>, a "ansom." Then in English
+I say to the coacher, "George Street, Number Forty." "Olraïttseu," say
+he. What is this that this is that that? I comprehend not. But all of
+same I mount in carriage and we part.</p>
+
+<p>Soon we arrive. Hold! This is a street of commerce; there is there but
+offices. And not of number forty.</p>
+
+<p>"Nottir, maounsiah?" say the coacher. Ah, I comprehend! "No," say I,
+"not here." "Minnoriss," say he. "How?" say I; but we are in road.
+Hold! Again a street of commerce&mdash;but of the most villain. I anger
+myself. I cry, "Coacher, I have said you George Street." "Olraïtt,
+maounsiah," say he, "this is George Street." "Not here," I respond. "Is
+there two George Streets?" Then he swear, he laugh; he ask that he may
+be blown; he say more, that I comprehend not. In fine, he say, "Taoua
+Ill." Again a George Street. But here some warehouses only. Then the
+coacher say, "Shoditch," and we go. Again a George Street! Still more
+small! Again one time I anger myself. I ask to him, "Where go you?" He
+say, "Which George Street is it?" I say, "George Street, London." Then
+he laugh again, and he swear; and he say, "Ollaouai." Again a George
+Street! <i>Tiens, c'est embêtant!</i> But it is but a street of commerce,
+and very little. "Islingtonn," say he. What! again a George Street?
+<i>Sapristi! Quelle ville!</i> If they love the name of George, these
+English! But, no, still a poor little street. "Blakfraïahs," say the
+coacher. We traverse some streets, some streets, without end! In fine,
+see there number forty. But it is a little shop. <i>Mille tonnerres! Pas
+encore!</i> "Youstonn Road," say he. Again some streets, some streets,
+without end! And again a street of commerce. And again the number forty
+is a shop! <i>Sacré nom d'une pipe!</i> "Lissn Grov," say he. Again some
+<i>kilomètres</i> to traverse. What! Again a George Street? How many of them
+is there, of these George Streets? And again, as you say in english,
+"No go." But all of same we go, for the coacher say "Manshestasquaiah."
+I shut myself the eyes, and I repose myself.</p>
+
+<p>Ah, that values better! In fine, a better street. And see, there number
+forty! What joy! In fine, I arrive. How it is fatiguing, this course
+in London, long of three hours or more! I descend. I demand my friend.
+What? He live not here? He is gone? <i>A la bonne heure!</i> "One more," say
+the coacher. "What," I cry, "again a George Street?" "Yess, maounsiah,
+Annovasquaiah." Then this one is not the house of my friend, this one
+is not the George Street that I seek! <i>Que le diable enlève</i>&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>But we continue, we arrive, in fine, it is here. All exhausted I
+descend. How much pays one the course in London? In Paris it is 1·50.
+Ah! in London it must be one shilling and half. This one has been a
+long course; I go to give a good <i>pourboire</i>, one shilling. I offer
+to the cabman two shillings and half. Then he cry, he swear, he
+descend, he wish to fight me. I say, "It is not enough? How much?"
+He say, "Tenbobb." What is this that this is that that? In fine, my
+friends come from the house, they explain that that wishes to say,
+"Ten shillings," they say he has reason, and I pay him. It costs dear
+the cab of London. But it is equal to me, for now I go to pronounce a
+discourse before the Geographical Congress on the George Streets of
+London. He will be of the most interestings, of the most curious. I beg
+you, Mister <i>Punch</i>, to make me the honour of to come to hear him, and
+to agree the assurance of my sentiments the most distinguished.</p>
+
+<p class="author">
+<span class="smcap">Auguste.</span>
+</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_65" id="Page_65">[Pg 65]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">THE POLITICAL UGLY DUCKLING.</p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Fragments of a Brummagem Fairy Tale.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>It was in a big town in the Midlands that the Ugly Duckling first
+chipped shell. "<i>Cheek! Cheek! Cheek!</i>" squeaked the youngster as he
+crept out. How big and ugly he was, to be sure! Not a bit like the
+other ducklings. In fact he was a portent, and a puzzle.</p>
+
+<p>However, the ugly, grey-coated youngster, took to the water, and swam
+about like the rest. "He's every inch my own child, after all," said
+the old duck. "And really he's very pretty, when one comes to look at
+him attentively. Quack! quack!" added she; "now, come along, and I'll
+take you into high society. Now move on, and mind you cackle properly,
+and bow your head before that old duck yonder, who is the noblest born
+of them all. Now bend your neck, and say 'Quack!'"</p>
+
+<p>But the Ugly Duckling was an odd bird, as well as an ill-favoured one,
+and gave much trouble and excited much jealousy in the duck-yard. He
+quacked indeed, but he would not bend his head or bow to the old duck
+properly.</p>
+
+<p>"He remained too long in the egg-shell," mused the maternal bird; "and
+therefore his figure, like his manners, is not properly formed on the
+true duck model. But as he's a male duck it won't matter so much. I
+think he'll prove strong, and be able to fight his way through the
+world." Which was true.</p>
+
+<p class="center">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*</p>
+
+<p>But at first the Ugly Duckling had a baddish time of it. He was bitten,
+pushed about, and made game of, not only by the ducks, but by the hens.
+They all declared he was much too big, and fancied himself too much.
+He certainly was not graceful, and he had a cocky, self-assertive
+air which irritated the Conservative Old Cockalorums. He was always
+making unexpected and unducklike sorties, "alarums and excursions,"
+and lifting up his raucus-caucus voice against the time-honoured rules
+and respectable conventions of the duck-pond. So much so, that they
+nicknamed him the "Daring Duckling," and prophesied that he would come
+to a bad end.</p>
+
+<p>So he ran away, and flew over the palings.</p>
+
+<p class="center">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*</p>
+
+
+<p>He had many adventures, and various. He dwelt for a time with a lot
+of wild ducks in a marsh, and even struck up a sort of friendship
+for a swarm of wild geese, who wanted to do away with domestication
+and destroy the "tame villatic" tendencies of gregarious goosedom,
+and abolish barn-yards and duck-ponds, peacocks, and game-fowls, and
+guinea-hens, and poulterer's shops, and <i>pâté de foie gras</i>, and other
+checks on liberty and incentives to luxury. But somehow he didn't get
+on with the wild ducks for long. He was so much wilder than they, and
+wanted his own way too much and too often for the old and recognised
+leaders of their flocks. And as to the wild geese, why he soon lost
+sympathy with their "revolutionary programmes" and "subversive
+schemes," which he learned to regard indeed as a sort of wild goose
+chase, and deride and denounce as vehemently as he had aforetime
+praised them.</p>
+
+<p>"I think I'll take my chance, and go abroad into the wide world," said
+the Duckling.</p>
+
+<p class="center">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*</p>
+
+
+<p>One evening, just as the sun was setting, there came a whole flock of
+beautiful large birds from a grove. The Ugly Duckling had never seen
+any so lovely before. They were dazzlingly white, with long graceful
+necks: they were swans. They uttered a peculiar cry, and then spread
+their magnificent wings and away they flew from this cold country to
+warmer lands across the open sea, as was their usual custom. They rose
+so high that the Ugly Duckling felt a strange sensation come over him,
+a sort of delicious vertigo. He turned round and round in the water
+like a wheel, stretched his neck up into the air toward them, and
+uttered so loud and strange a cry that he was frightened at it himself.
+Oh! never could he again forget those beautiful, happy birds, so
+gracefully fleeting against a primrose sky. He knew not how those birds
+were called, nor whither they were bound, but he felt an affection for
+them, such as he had never yet experienced for any living creature.
+And he more and more lost love for, and patience with, all his old
+associates, ducks or geese, wild or domesticated.</p>
+
+<p class="center">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*</p>
+
+
+<p>The Ugly Duckling now felt able to flap his wings. They rustled much
+louder than before, and bore him away most sturdily; and before long he
+found himself in a noble park, a nobleman's park; indeed, the dainty
+demesne of one of those who "toil not neither do they spin." It was
+quite Beaconsfieldian in its beauty, with its smooth emerald sward and
+umbrageous elm-avenues, its dusky cedar clumps and tail-spreading,
+crest-sunning peacocks.</p>
+
+<p>"Dear me!" mused the Ugly Duckling. "It is strange, but <i>I feel quite
+at home here!!!</i>"</p>
+
+<p>Three magnificent white swans now emerged from the thicket before him;
+they flapped their wings and then swam lightly on the surface of the
+water. The larger one (whose beak bore the letter S as a "nick") was
+dark and haughty of mien, the second (whose beak was branded B) was
+slim and exceeding graceful; whilst the third, a solid and even rather
+sullen-looking bird, was beak-stamped with a legible D.</p>
+
+<p>"I will fly towards these royal birds," cried the Ugly Duckling. And he
+flew into the water, and swam towards those stately swans, who turned
+to meet him with sail-like wings the moment they saw him.</p>
+
+<p>"Why, he is one of us!" said the darker and statelier of the three.
+"Almost!" he added, <i>sotto voce</i>.</p>
+
+<p>The Ugly Duckling was startled at the remark. But looking at his
+reflection in the smooth lake he was more startled still. His own image
+was to his eyes no longer that of the Daring Duckling, much less of the
+Ugly One. It was smart, smooth, sleek, swelling, in fact swan-like!!!
+At any rate, he thought so, and so, indeed, the other three swans
+seemed to think.</p>
+
+<p>He preened his feathers, and puffed forth his plumes. He flapped his
+wings, and arched his neck, as he cried in the fullness of his heart:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"I never dreamed of such happiness when I was the Brummagem Ugly
+Duckling."</p>
+
+<p class="center">&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;*</p>
+
+
+<p>It matters not being born in a duck-yard if one is hatched from a
+swan's egg!</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 295px;">
+<a href="images/065full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/065.jpg" width="295" height="300" alt="untitled - reading in bed" />
+</a></div>
+
+<p><i>In Leisure Time</i>, by <span class="smcap">W. S. Mavor</span> (<span class="smcap">Elliot Stock</span>) is,
+so my Baronite reports, a daintily-bound little volume of blameless
+verse, unambitious, as may be inferred from its title. The author
+writes like a classical scholar, his lines are fluent and melodious,
+his metre and rhyme unimpeachable, while some of the poems, such as
+"Zaleucus" and "A Vision," rise distinctly above the general level.
+In others there are passages which my Baronite&mdash;a sadly prosaic and
+matter-of-fact person&mdash;owns to having found slightly obscure.</p>
+
+<p>For example, in the following couplet:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"In vain the fickle demon sports<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With fetid remnants of decay."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+
+
+<p>He quite failed to discover what particular&mdash;or rather anything <i>but</i>
+particular&mdash;demon is referred to, or why he should amuse himself in so
+eccentric and unpleasant a manner.</p>
+
+<p>Nor, my Baronite says, was his conception of contentment greatly
+assisted by this somewhat complicated comparison:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Contentment is a love-commissioned barque<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Sailing a self-less sea&mdash;a sea whose flood<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Is ordered alway by the laughing guns<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Of Virtue's fortalice, whose armament,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Primed with rose-petal powder, doth discharge<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">In generous rounds of sympathy with all,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Scattering happiness, whose smile betrays<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The pangless hurt."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>But that, he is quite willing to admit, may be rather the fault of his
+own imagination than the poet's. Again, in a poem entitled "Love's
+Messengers," the author writes:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">"Flit thou along on softly feathered feet,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Noiseless, thou shadowy-pinioned minister,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And gently fan, <i>with midnight gale</i>, my sweet,<br /></span>
+<span class="i12">Lest thou awaken her."<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<p>Which, to my Baronite, suggests the difficulty that, if the minister
+fans the lady with his shadowy pinions "gently," he will fail to
+produce anything resembling a "midnight gale"; on the other hand, if he
+performs the part of invisible punkah so energetically as to suggest
+a gale, he can hardly help awakening her unless she is a very heavy
+sleeper indeed&mdash;and <i>might</i> give her a cold in the head. Surely this is
+rather an unfair dilemma on which to place a feathered minister of any
+denomination.</p>
+
+<p>But after all, poetry, as my Baronite fully recognises, is not meant to
+be judged by so literal a standard, and it may be cheerfully conceded
+that there are many people who make a less profitable use of their
+"Leisure Time" than Mr. <span class="smcap">Mavor</span> has done. In which opinion
+concurs</p>
+
+<p class="author">
+<span class="smcap">The Leisurely Baron de Book-Worms</span>.
+</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Hop(e)ful Liberalism in Kent.</span>&mdash;Sir <span class="smcap">Israel Hart</span> of
+Hythe, thinks that if his friends do their work well, he may yet
+find in the Hytheians an Israel-light-hearted constituency. Sir
+<span class="smcap">Israel</span> is a <i>Jew d'esprit</i>.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_66" id="Page_66">[Pg 66]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 700px;">
+<a href="images/066full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/066.jpg" width="700" height="411" alt="THE BICYCLE AGAIN" />
+</a><div class="caption">THE BICYCLE AGAIN.</div>
+
+<p><i>Applicant for the Situation of Cook.</i> "<span class="smcap">Before I go, please, Ma'am,
+may I ask your Servant to show me the Basement? I must see that you
+have a convenient place for my Bicycle!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Mistress.</i> "<span class="smcap">Of course I have seen to that. You will find a
+Room set apart. Only I must tell you that I don't allow Rational
+Dress!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">FOR THE TAILORS' CONGRESS AT VERVIERS.</p>
+
+<p>1. Why should it take nine tailors to make a man?</p>
+
+<p>2. Ought you cut a coat according to your cloth, or according to the
+fashion?</p>
+
+<p>3. How do you cook a tailor's goose? Should it be basted?</p>
+
+<p>4. In England is the most suitable seaside resort for tailors
+Weskit-on-Sea, or Sheerness <i>sur la côte</i>?</p>
+
+<p>5. Shall a prize be given for the best essay on the advantage of having
+a pair of Pantaloons on the stage in a Pantomime?</p>
+
+<p>6. Is it a matter of universal complaint that a tailor should not be
+allowed to play billiards because he scarcely passes a day without
+cutting a cloth?</p>
+
+<p>7. What price for the best tale of a coat?</p>
+
+<p>8. Is it proved to satisfaction that <span class="smcap">Shakspeare</span> was a tailor
+from the fact of his having written <i>Measure for Measure</i>?</p>
+
+<p>9. Whether, for the next International Yacht Race, the tailors should
+enter a cutter?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Good Badminton.</span>&mdash;Among the contents of <span class="smcap">Longman's</span>
+<i>Badminton Magazine</i> is an article by the Markiss o' <span class="smcap">Granby</span>
+on Grouse; <span class="smcap">Susan</span>, not Black-eyed nor Rebellious, but Countess
+of Malmesbury, writes cleverly on her perch, and on the matter of
+salmon the Countess would count for a lot in any ex-salmonation. Lord
+<span class="smcap">Onslow</span> on slow and on quick bicycling; capital. <span class="smcap">C. B.
+Fry</span>, not one of the Small Fry, gives his ideal of a cricketing
+day, which is to be known as a "Fry-day." Then who is it writes a
+florid account of fishing in Florida? <span class="smcap">O'tis Mygatt.</span> The
+question of "What's on at Newmarket?" is pleasantly answered by
+<span class="smcap">Alfred Wats-on</span> at Newmarket. On "Old Sporting Prints,"
+<span class="smcap">Peek</span> writes with point. And on "The Alpine 'Distress Signal'
+Scheme" there is a paper by <span class="smcap">C. T. Dent</span>, who has been, more or
+less, a Re-si-dent on the spot, as this in-denture witnesseth.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">To the Rank of Major-General have risen!</span>"&mdash;<i>Critic.</i> From a
+paragraph in last week's <i>Truth</i> we extract the following:&mdash;"Another
+scandalous 'selection' job has just been perpetrated at the War
+Office. Colonel <span class="smcap">Trotter</span>, who has been promoted to the rank of
+major-general, has seen no war service, and has no professional claims
+whatever upon the authorities." If this information be correct, the
+colonel should be remembered by the distinctly Dickensian title of
+<i>"Job" Trotter</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p class="ph4">THE LAST KNIGHT OF THE SEASON.</p>
+
+<p>On Monday, July 29, Sir <span class="smcap">Augustus Harris</span>, bidding farewell to
+a typical '95 Covent Garden audience (house crowded in every part),
+seized the opportunity to present one of his lightning conductors with
+a "<i>bâton</i> of honour." In a spontaneous speech, <span class="smcap">Druriolanus</span>
+declared that Signor <span class="smcap">Mancinelli</span> had "worked like a Trojan,"
+and the announcement was received with sympathetic applause. Still,
+it was thought possible by those present that the pleasant and
+prosperous <i>impresario</i> was in search of something that he had
+seemingly lost&mdash;"a little poem of his own." We have no hesitation in
+publishing the following lines, entitled <i>Sans Adieu</i>, found in the
+neighbourhood of the C. G. orchestra. If they are not from the pen of
+<span class="smcap">Druriolanus</span>, they ought to have been:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Not farewell, my <span class="smcap">Mancinelli</span>!<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><span class="smcap">Mancinelli</span>, <i>au revoir!</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As harmonious <i>fratelli</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i2">We shall meet again! <i>Espoir!</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Take, oh take this shining <i>bâton</i>.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">You're a marvel! <i>O, si sic!</i><br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When you've got it, with your hat on.<br /></span>
+<span class="i2"><i>En vacance</i> you'll cut your stick.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">You will wave it, you will wield it<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Always, my conductor prime,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Never up again you'll yield it,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Ever living to beat time!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Grasp it, use it, <span class="smcap">Mancinelli</span>!<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Highest praise to you is due!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With it beat Old Time to jelly,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">Till Conductor Time beats <i>you!</i><br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>More Honours.</p>
+
+<p>Motto for Sir <span class="smcap">William Dunn</span>: "<i>Ce qu'il fait c'est bien fait.</i>"
+Likewise "Just Dunn enough."</p>
+
+<p>For Mr. <span class="smcap">John Tomlinson Brunner, M.P.</span>, a Brunneretcy.</p>
+
+<p>Motto for Sir <span class="smcap">A. B. Forwood</span>: "<i>En avant! et plus en avant que
+jamais.</i>"</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"H.M.S."&mdash;Should H.M. the King of the <span class="smcap">Belgians</span> ask <span class="smcap">H. M.
+Stanley, M.P.</span>, to return to Congo-land, the inquiry wired will
+take this simple form "<i>Congo?</i>" and the answer must be "<i>Can't go</i>."
+<i>On dit.</i> The H.M.'s have settled satisfactorily.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Medical Congress.</span>&mdash;Explanation:&mdash;The "Anti-toxin" party is
+against the use of a dinner bell or gong. They do not agree with Lord
+<span class="smcap">Byron</span>, "The tocsin of the soul, the dinner bell."</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_67" id="Page_67">[Pg 67]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 642px;">
+<a href="images/067full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/067.jpg" width="642" height="800" alt="THE NEW KEEPERS" /></a>
+<div class="caption">THE NEW KEEPERS.</div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Squire Bull</span> (<i>to</i> <span class="smcap">S-l-sb-ry</span> <i>and</i>
+<span class="smcap">Ch-mb-rl-n</span>). "WELL, MY MEN&mdash;NOW I'VE TAKEN YOU ON, I SHALL
+EXPECT BIGGER BAGS THAN I'VE HAD LATELY."</p></div>
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_68" id="Page_68">[Pg 68]</a><br /><a name="Page_69" id="Page_69">[Pg 69]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 404px;">
+<a href="images/069full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/069.jpg" width="404" height="500" alt="REMINISCENCE OF A RECENT POLITICAL CONTEST" />
+</a><div class="caption">REMINISCENCE OF A RECENT POLITICAL CONTEST.</div>
+
+<p><i>Harmless Individual</i> (<i>who has suddenly and unexpectedly been
+assaulted and battered by inebriated party</i>). "<span class="smcap">You Scoundrel!
+What's the meaning of this?</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Inebriated Politician.</i> "<span class="smcap">'Leckshuns, ole F'la!
+'Leckshuns!</span>&mdash;(<i>hic</i>)&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p class="author">[<i>Comes a cropper himself.</i></p>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">THE MEETING OF THE WATER-RATEPAYERS.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquote">
+
+<p>["The New Town Hall in Mare Street, Hackney, was altogether too small
+to hold the crowds who came last night (August 1) to protest against
+the action of the East London Water Company in cutting down the supply
+of water during the past few weeks."&mdash;<i>Evening News.</i>]</p></div>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Air</span>&mdash;"<i>The Meeting of the Waters.</i>"</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">There is not in the whole land a meeting so meet<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">As that of the ratepayers held at Mare Street.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">No mare's nest they'd found, no, the Hackneyite heart<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Was hot at the new Water Company start!<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">It <i>was</i> not that Nature had stinted supply;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">That Monopolist pretext appears "all my eye."<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">'Twas <i>not</i> summer parching of river and rill,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Oh! no&mdash;it was something more troublesome still.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">'Twas that greed and neglect had combined, it is clear,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">To make East End water deficient and dear;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">And Monopoly now the supply must improve,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Or more than mere Mare Streets will be on the move.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">Big Monopolist Mammon, how calm could you rest<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">With your dividends high in the way you love best;<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">But when water runs short, and diseases increase,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">The East End won't leave you and your Water at peace.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Gully-ver.</span>&mdash;Mr. <span class="smcap">Balfour's</span> decision as to not
+disturbing the <span class="smcap">Speaker</span> in his uneasy chair was e-gully
+awaited, and is, it is hoped, accepted e-gully by all parties. So now,
+in his chair, Mr. <span class="smcap">Gully</span> will reign re-gully.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Latest Fashion.</span>&mdash;Bicycle dinners and suppers have been the
+vogue. <i>Pièce de résistance</i> is of course "Cold Wheel." This dish is
+selected because whatever the number "wheel" is sure to go round.</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">LEAVE OF ABSENCE TO AUGUST-OUT DALY CO.</p>
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Augustin Daly's</span> Company has left us just as play-goers had
+taken a fancy to <i>Nancy &amp; Co</i>. To paraphrase the old refrain&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquote">
+
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">And all their fancy<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Dwelt upon <span class="smcap">Nancy</span><br /></span>
+<span class="i1">The play called <i>Nancy &amp; Co.</i><br /></span>
+</div></div></div>
+
+<p>It went as a lively laughter-raiser should go, with Miss <span class="smcap">Ada
+Rehan</span> excellent in every way; Miss <span class="smcap">Maxine Elliot</span>
+charming; <span class="smcap">James Lewis</span> inimitably funny, and Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Worthing</span> ("quite a Bright'un," as <span class="smcap">Wagstaff</span> says)
+capital. That the fun of a farcical comedy should be kept up through
+four acts is a tribute to the original work and to the skill of its
+adaptor, Mr. <i>Daly</i> himself. <i>"Vive la Compagnie!" et au revoir!</i></p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A Sportsman's View of It.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Chamberlain</span> <i>vice</i> <span class="smcap">Rosebery</span>! What fun!<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">The change means order, peace, and lots of tin for us.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">What are the Derbies twain young Primrose won<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To the <i>New Markets</i> many <span class="smcap">Joe</span> will win for us?<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">"AFTER THE CALL WAS OVER."</p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Notes for an Additional Chapter to the History of Hullibulgaria.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>The Deputation did their very best. They were most anxious to make
+things smooth. "He whom they desired to obey" would wear an inferior
+sort of crown, robes of cotton-backed velvet, trimmed with imitation
+fur. He would not give away orders&mdash;he would only take them. He would
+not command the army, save as an agent acting under direction from the
+Master. There is nothing he would not do to secure the goodwill of his
+great, his benevolent, his all-powerful Master.</p>
+
+<p>The Bear was very amiable. The Bear was pleased with the Deputation
+and with the nation they represented. And having said this, there was
+nothing further for the Bear to say.</p>
+
+<p>"But, most powerful of powers, most clement of sovereignties," urged
+the Deputation, "there is another matter needing decision. How about
+the Prince?"</p>
+
+<p>"What Prince?" softly murmured the Bear, in a tone of curiosity
+combined with astonishment.</p>
+
+<p>"The Prince we wish to serve," explained the Deputation; "the Prince
+who desires to serve you."</p>
+
+<p>"Have you read the Treaty of Berlin?" asked Bruin. "It is a most
+excellent agreement, and deserves special attention. Does the name of
+any Prince appear therein?"</p>
+
+<p>"No," replied the Deputation; "and the same painful omission is
+observable in the <i>Almanac de Gotha</i>. So we would petition on our
+knees that the painful omission should be supplied. We ask that the
+Prince&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Stop! stop!" cried the Bear. "You are talking of a myth. As Mrs.
+<span class="smcap">Gamp</span>&mdash;a well-known Englishwoman&mdash;once observed, 'I don't
+believe there ain't no sech person.' So think I, and so thinks the
+Treaty of Berlin."</p>
+
+<p>And so the Deputation returned from whence they came, and "the Prince"
+continued to "take the waters" without obtaining the cure he desired.
+It was disappointing to His Highness, but not to the Editor of the
+<i>Almanac de Gotha</i>, who found a revised edition of his excellent
+periodical was, at least for the present, unnecessary.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>What title will Baron <span class="smcap">de Worms</span> take? Viscount
+<span class="smcap">Chrysalis</span>? to end by becoming Le Duc <span class="smcap">de Papillon</span>?</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_70" id="Page_70">[Pg 70]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 850px;">
+<a href="images/070full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/070.jpg" width="850" height="582" alt="A PARLIAMENTARY PROSPECT" />
+</a><div class="caption">Br-ce. B-nn-rm-n. Asq-th.<br />
+A PARLIAMENTARY PROSPECT.</div>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_71" id="Page_71">[Pg 71]</a></span></p>
+
+<p class="ph4">PASSION AND POETRY.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<p><i>Sir W. V. H-rc-rt</i> (<i>on Opposition Bench</i>). "<span class="smcap">How hot and
+uncomfortable they must be over there! So crowded!</span>"</p></div>
+
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 355px;">
+<a href="images/071full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/071.jpg" width="355" height="550" alt="AN EYE TO EFFECT" />
+</a><div class="caption">AN EYE TO EFFECT.</div>
+
+<p><i>Little Dives.</i> "<span class="smcap">Oh, by the way, Belairs&mdash;awfully sorry to cut
+you out, you know&mdash;but I've just proposed to Lady Barbara, and she's
+accepted me, and we're to be married in September. And look here, Old
+Chappie; I want you to be my Best Man. I want to make a good Show at
+the Altar, you know!</span>"</p></div>
+
+<p><br />I was immensely struck, a few days ago, by a passage in a speech
+recently delivered by the Archbishop of <span class="smcap">Canterbury</span>, in
+which he explained his method of dispelling those passing fits of
+ill-temper from which, alas! not even Archbishops are wholly free. "At
+times," so ran the report of His Grace's words, "anger or irritation
+came upon him, but on the table he kept a book of pleasant poems,
+of which he would read a few lines, and the irritation would melt
+away." Immediately I determined to follow this noble example. It was
+unfortunate that the "book of pleasant poems" was not described more
+specifically&mdash;could it be the verses of Mr. <span class="smcap">Arthur Christopher
+Benson</span>?&mdash;but I bought a pocket volume of <i>Selections from the
+Great Poets</i>, which contained enough variety to suit every case, and
+then looked out for an opportunity of trying the Archbishop's plan.</p>
+
+<p>I had not long to wait. That very evening I came across my uncle
+<span class="smcap">Robert</span> at Clapham Junction, in a furious rage at having
+just missed the last train to Slowborough, where he lives. At once
+I produced my volume, and in slow and emphatic accents I read aloud
+some three or four hundred lines from "Paradise Lost." I was about
+to add one or two of <span class="smcap">Wordsworth's</span> sonnets, when I realised
+that my uncle had long since disappeared, and that I was surrounded
+by a jeering crowd, who evidently supposed me to be a member of the
+Salvation Army.</p>
+
+<p>On the following morning I received a visit from <span class="smcap">Snips</span>, my
+tailor. He was impolite enough to suggest a settlement of what he
+termed my "small account," a demand, as I politely but plainly assured
+him, which was altogether absurd. As he showed distinct symptoms of
+irritation at this juncture, I began to read him a scene from <i>Measure
+for Measure</i>. Strangely enough, this seemed only to irritate him
+further, and I understand that he intends to take proceedings against
+me in the County Court. This second unaccountable failure of the
+Archbishop's remedy greatly surprised and pained me, but I decided to
+give it another trial.</p>
+
+<p>This morning I was playing golf with my friend <span class="smcap">Macfoozle</span>.
+At no time a skilful golfer, <span class="smcap">Macfoozle's</span> form to-day was
+worse than ever; whenever he made a bad stroke&mdash;and he seldom made
+a good one&mdash;he indulged in the most violent language. Fortunately
+my volume of poetry was in my pocket. When he completely missed his
+drive at the second hole, I read him <span class="smcap">Coleridge's</span> <i>Dejection</i>.
+When he broke his mashie at the fourth, I treated him with copious
+selections from <i>In Memoriam</i>. Finally, he got badly bunkered while
+playing to the fourteenth hole. For some ten minutes he smote furiously
+with his niblick, only raising prodigious clouds of sand as the
+result of his efforts. This was clearly a golden opportunity for the
+Archbishop's cure, "anger and irritation" but faintly represented
+<span class="smcap">Macfoozle's</span> rage. Seating myself on the edge of the bunker,
+I began to read aloud <i>The Ring and the Book</i> with the utmost pathos.
+Over what followed I prefer to draw a veil. It is enough to say that a
+niblick is a very effective weapon, and that I write these lines in bed.</p>
+
+<p>When I recover, I really must call at Lambeth for fuller directions.
+The archiepiscopal remedy for angry passions does not seem invariably
+happy in its results, as far as my experience goes.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">The Malt-Liquor-Tippler's Maxim.</span>&mdash;<i>"Nihil ale-ienum a me
+pewter":</i>&mdash;"Nothing in the shape of beer comes amiss to me if it's in a
+pewter."</p>
+
+
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p class="center">A Chip to the Champion.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquote">
+
+<p>[Mr. <span class="smcap">Ranjitsinhji</span> is running Mr. <span class="smcap">W. G. Grace</span> very
+close in the batting averages.]</p></div>
+
+<p><i>To the ancient air of "Cheer up Sam!"</i></p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><span class="smcap">Buck-up, Grace!</span><br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And don't let your average down!<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">For "<span class="smcap">Ranjit</span>" seems running you hard for first place,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To collar your Cricketing Crown!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Proud o' the Title.</span>"&mdash;Sir <span class="smcap">Henry James</span> to be "Lord
+<span class="smcap">Jeames</span>." How delighted <span class="smcap">W. M. Thackeray</span> would have
+been!</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p class="center">By a Reasonable Rad.</p>
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0"><i>Why</i> were we whipped? Rads wrangle round,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">But to <i>the</i> cause make scant allusion.<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">When all's summed up, it will be found,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">"Fusion" has won against <i>Con</i>-fusion!<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">A Suggestion.</span>&mdash;In latest <i>Observer</i> is a capital article by
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Escott</span>, whose text is that "smart" Society transplants to
+London all Parisian fashions that will bear the process. The title is
+"British Boulevardism;" but one still more suggestive of the mixture
+would be "John-Bullvardism." Perhaps Mr. <span class="smcap">Escott</span> may adopt this
+and give us another column.</p>
+
+<p><span class="pagenum"><a name="Page_72" id="Page_72">[Pg 72]</a></span></p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">ROUNDABOUT READINGS.</p>
+
+<p>In a biographical sketch of the late Rev. Dr. <span class="smcap">Julius Hawley
+Seelye</span>, formerly President of Amherst College, in America, I
+read that "Amherst made him President notwithstanding considerable
+opposition in the faculty. He soon overcame that, and advanced the
+prosperity of the College in the accessions to its faculty and
+endowments that he secured. He soon required the students to sign an
+agreement to be gentlemen. A violation of the pledge resulted in the
+termination of their careers at Amherst." This sounds strange, for it
+would appear that if no pledge had been given the students might have
+behaved as they liked, without terminating their careers. The idea of
+solemnly pledging yourself to be a gentleman is quite colossal.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 267px;">
+<a href="images/072full.jpg">
+
+<img src="images/072.jpg" width="267" height="300" alt="untitled" /></a>
+</div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Independent Labour Party is not dead yet. It is forming clubs,
+just like any ordinary humdrum party. The <i>Western Daily Press</i>
+reports that "At a special meeting held at <span class="smcap">Lee's</span> Coffee
+Tavern, Bath Bridge, last night, when there were present Mr. <span class="smcap">W.
+S. M. Knight</span>, president of the Bristol South Independent Labour
+Party (in the chair), Messrs. <span class="smcap">A. Browne</span>, <span class="smcap">E. B. Hack</span>,
+<span class="smcap">C. Vale</span>, <span class="smcap">C. F. Brocklehurst</span>, <span class="smcap">T. Pole</span>, <span class="smcap">C.
+Parker</span>, and <span class="smcap">W. Price</span>, it was unanimously decided to open
+a club for Totterdown and the East Ward of Bedminster in connection
+with the Independent Labour Party. Officers and a committee were
+appointed, and suitable headquarters for the club were decided upon."
+Nothing could be more appropriate. Totterdown suggests decrepitude and
+failure (in this case at least), and Bedminster hints at repose and
+peace. I offer the suggestion and the hint gratis to the Independent
+Labour Windbags.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Loveday Street Canal Bridge (which is, I fancy, in Birmingham) is
+evidently a demon bridge with a depraved taste for injuring children.
+One day last week it threw <span class="smcap">John Chick</span>, aged seven, off and
+broke one of his legs. About five hours later, resenting an attempt on
+the part of <span class="smcap">Thomas Walton</span>, aged twelve, to climb it, it flung
+him off on to the towing-path and injured his back. A few days before
+that it had precipitated the same <span class="smcap">Thomas Walton</span> into the
+water, whence he was rescued with some difficulty. Evidently this is a
+bridge with an ungovernable temper, and the authorities should guard it
+efficiently.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><i>The Scotsman</i> informs me that "speaking the other day at Haddington,
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Balfour</span> glanced scathingly at those politicians of the
+baser sort who seek to confuse great issues by dragging to the front
+petty or irrelevant questions, and the breath of whose nostrils is
+the disturbance of the harmony which should subsist between class
+and class of the community." On this two questions arise. The first
+is how Mr. <span class="smcap">Balfour</span>, an amiable gentleman, managed to glance
+scathingly. To scath, as I learn from the dictionary, means to hurt,
+to injure; and, personally, I cannot imagine Mr. <span class="smcap">Balfour</span>
+infusing very much venom into a mere glance of his expressive eye. The
+second question is how politicians, even of the baser sort, can go on
+living when their unfortunate lungs are filled with a disturbance of
+harmony. That they should have sufficient strength left to drag to the
+front petty or irrelevant questions is nothing short of a marvel, due
+allowance being made for metaphors.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A golfer is in trouble, and has confided his difficulties to <i>Golf</i>.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquote">
+
+<p>Whilst playing on the links at Streetly, on July 16, he drove a ball,
+which apparently fell clear, but which for some time could not be
+found. After some little hunting it was discovered under a small tuft
+of heather in a lark's nest, resting on the back of a young lark,
+apparently about four days old, together with three lark's eggs,
+which were quite intact. The golfer was obliged, of course, to lift
+the ball and place it behind, as it would have been gross cruelty to
+have played it from the nest. It was match play. Under the exceptional
+circumstances was he bound to lose the hole? The editor replies that
+if a player were a stickler for the law and nothing but the law, he,
+of course, would be entitled to enforce it against his opponent who
+found the ball in the nest.</p></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<div class="poem"><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">A tee for your ball, you may fashion of sand<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">(Which is found in the sugar you use for your tea);<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Then you spread your legs wide, and you take a firm stand,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">And away with a whack goes the ball flying free.<br /></span>
+</div><div class="stanza">
+<span class="i0">If it flies like a bird, there's no need to explain;<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">If not, then the ways of that golfer are dark,<br /></span>
+<span class="i0">Who attempts, though the effort is doomed to be vain,<br /></span>
+<span class="i2">To stand, taking tee on the back of a lark.<br /></span>
+</div></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>There has been some excitement at Weston-super-Mare. The "Conservative
+party organized a reception for the Hon. <span class="smcap">G. H. Jolliffe</span> on his
+first appearance in the town since his election for the Wells division.
+Arrangements were made for those intending to take part in the
+procession to meet the hon. gentleman at the Potteries on his return
+from Banwell Horse Show at 7 p.m., but he arrived in the town a quarter
+of an hour too early, and scores of enthusiasts were disappointed.
+Those, however, who happened to be early enough followed the hon.
+gentleman, some on foot and others in cabs, to the Royal Hotel, the
+Town Band heading the procession. Mr. <span class="smcap">Jolliffe</span> rode on a coach
+drawn by four horses, and was supported by several of the leaders of
+the party in the town. Subsequently he addressed those assembled."
+But if Mr. <span class="smcap">Jolliffe</span> rode on a coach, why was it necessary to
+support him? Moreover, seeing that it was a four-horse affair, it seems
+unjust that the leaders should be talked of and that no mention at all
+should be made of the wheelers.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><span class="smcap">Nana Sahib</span> has died once more.</p>
+
+<div class="blockquote">
+
+<p>A Mr. <span class="smcap">William Brown</span>, who was formerly an officer in the East
+India Company's service, and is now residing at San Francisco, gives
+the following particulars regarding the fate of <span class="smcap">Nana Sahib</span>.
+Mr. <span class="smcap">Brown</span> says that he was commodore of the Ganges Fleet
+in the Indian Mutiny, and was attacked by Sepoys under <span class="smcap">Nana
+Sahib</span> himself, who was shot in the fighting, and afterwards died
+on board Mr. <span class="smcap">Brown's</span> ship. <span class="smcap">Nana Sahib's</span> body was
+then cremated, and the ashes were committed to the river.</p></div>
+
+<p>Why, oh why, has Mr. <span class="smcap">Brown</span>, whom I heartily congratulate on
+clearing up the mystery, kept silence for nearly forty years? And, by
+the way, which Mr. <span class="smcap">William Brown</span> is he? There must be a good
+many <span class="smcap">William Brown's</span> even in San Francisco. Before concluding
+that the matter is definitely settled, I should like to hear Mr.
+<span class="smcap">Henry Smith</span>, Mr. <span class="smcap">Richard Robinson</span>, and Mr. <span class="smcap">John
+Jones</span> on the subject.</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">WHERE NOT TO GO.</p>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Hints by our Pessimist Passenger.</i>)</p>
+
+<p>
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Amsterdam.</i>&mdash;Too much sea before you get there.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Boulogne.</i>&mdash;Not particularly pleasant at low tide.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Cologne.</i>&mdash;The reverse of fragrant at all times.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Dieppe.</i>&mdash;The trap of the tripper.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Etretat.</i>&mdash;No longer what it was.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Frankfort.</i>&mdash;Only good for a change of money.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Geneva.</i>&mdash;Dull and dear.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Heidelberg.</i>&mdash;Too much hill, and too little castle.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Interlaken.</i>&mdash;The 'appy 'ome of <span class="smcap">'Arry</span>.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Jura Pass.</i>&mdash;Sure find for <span class="smcap">Brown</span>, <span class="smcap">Jones</span>, and <span class="smcap">Robinson</span>.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Karlsbad.</i>&mdash;Kill or cure.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Lyons.</i>&mdash;Apotheosis of silk monotonous.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Marseilles.</i>&mdash;Good place for musquitoes, bad for all else.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Nice.</i>&mdash;Too near to Monte Carlo.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Ouchy.</i>&mdash;Hotel good, but surroundings superfluous.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Paris.</i>&mdash;Too hot. Theatres closed and wideawakes seen on the boulevards.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Quebec.</i>&mdash;Dangerous rival to Bath, Coventry, and Jericho.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Rotterdam.</i>&mdash;Worthy of its name.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Suez.</i>&mdash;Not comparable to Cairo.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Trouville.</i>&mdash;Requires antedating a quarter of a century.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Uig.</i>&mdash;Skyed and out of reach.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Venice.</i>&mdash;Vulgarised by the steam launches.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Wiesbaden.</i>&mdash;Has not yet recovered the loss of its table.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Xerez.</i>&mdash;Long journey for a glass of sherry.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Yokohama.</i>&mdash;Not a patch upon Pekin.</span><br />
+<br />
+<span style="margin-left: 1em;"><i>Zurich.</i>&mdash;Alliterative attraction for zomebody.</span><br />
+</p>
+
+<hr class="tb" />
+
+<p class="ph4">A BONNE BOUCHE.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. Wagstaff.</i> Ah! I have lived many years in the bush.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. Leo Hunter.</i> How interesting! I suppose you must have become
+almost savage!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. W. Frequently</i>, when I couldn't get a 'bus or a cab.</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. L. H.</i> (<i>utterly astonished</i>). A 'bus or a cab! in the bush!!</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. W.</i> (<i>pleasantly</i>). Ah, yes; I was talking of "Shepherd's Bush."
+Good morning.</p>
+
+<p class="stage">[<i>Exit chuckling.</i></p>
+
+<div class="blockquote">
+
+<p>&#8258;  <i>Note by the Bird in the Bush.</i>&mdash;In future this
+little jest of <span class="smcap">Waggy's</span> will be impossible, as it is proposed
+to re-name Shepherd's Bush, and call it Pastoral Park, or All-Askew
+Park, or something of the sort.]</p></div>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"<span class="smcap">Sortes Shaksperianæ.</span>"&mdash;On the new Postmaster-General:&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="blockquote">
+
+<p>
+
+"Friend post the Duke of <span class="smcap">Norfolk</span>."<br />
+<br />
+<i>Richard the Third</i>, Act iv., Scene 4.<br />
+</p></div>
+
+
+<p>And we hope his Grace will be "Friend post," and benefit us all.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A volume of Reminiscences by <span class="smcap">Henry Russell</span> is promised.
+Evidently this ought to be a "Cheery, Boys, Cheery" sort of book.</p>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+109, August 10, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+***** This file should be named 44809-h.htm or 44809-h.zip *****
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+</pre>
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+</body>
+</html>
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@@ -0,0 +1,1606 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109,
+August 10, 1895, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 109, August 10, 1895
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Francis Burnand
+
+Release Date: January 31, 2014 [EBook #44809]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Punch, or the London Charivari, Malcolm Farmer
+and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
+http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 109.
+
+_August 10, 1895._
+
+
+
+
+A PSALM OF AUGUST.
+
+(_For the Circular Tourist_.)
+
+    Tell me not, in Summer numbers,
+      "Holidays are but a dream!"
+    If you hold that vacs are slumbers,
+      Well--things are not what they seem.
+
+    COOK is real! GAZE is earnest!
+      And the earth's end is their goal;
+    "Bust" thou art, and "bust" returnest,
+      Sing they to the tripper's soul.
+
+    Not enjoyment--rather, sorrow
+      Greets the tourist on his way;
+    His to toil, that each to-morrow
+      Find him farther on his way.
+
+    Tours are long, and Time is fleeting,
+      While we dire discomfort brave;
+    In globe-trotting, record-beating,
+      Pleasure surely finds its grave.
+
+    Let us, still, each town be "doing,"
+      Since "tow-rowing" is our fate--
+    Then, half-dead with guide-pursuing,
+      Brag o'er those at home who wait!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"FORWOOD BOYS."--Sir ARTHUR FORWOOD, the new Baronet,
+observes the Day-by-Day-istical writer in the _Daily Telegraph_, "is
+not to be confounded with his brother, Sir WILLIAM FORWOOD."
+Why not? Why interfere with the liberty of speech on the part of some
+Radicals, who might say "Confound 'em both!" Or, in the words of the
+National Anthem, "Confound their politics."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OMITTED FROM THE GRACIOUS SPEECH OF H.R.H. THE PRINCE OF WALES AT
+THE OPENING OF THE SOUTHAMPTON NEW DOCK.--"I appear here as the
+Judge, at whose word the prisoner is to be let into the dock, and,
+subsequently, let out again. Ladies and gentlemen, the prisoner is--the
+water." (_Cheers._)
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: PRESIDING DEITY. 1895.
+
+VENUS AN--ILINE DYE--OMENE.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+JOEYING AT THE PRINCE OF WALES'S.
+
+There have been JOES not a few on the stage. Coming down from
+the time of JOE GRIMALDI, we pass on the way _Joseph Andrews_,
+_Poll and Partner Joe_, _Poor Joe_ from _Bleak House_, and many other
+JOES until we come to _Gentleman Joe_, hansom cab-driver,
+played by ARTHUR ROBERTS. The question and answer in the old
+idiotic nigger song applies appropriately here, with slight adaptation:
+
+          What! _de_ JOE? Yes! _de_ JOE.
+    Spruce JOE kicking up ahind and afore,
+    KITTY LOFTUS playing up to Mister JOE.
+
+And with the assistance of the always graceful PHYLLIS
+BROUGHTON--of whom _Gentleman Joe_ might have sung, but doesn't,
+"PHYLLIS is my only _Fare_"--aided also by the pretty-voiced
+LETTIE SEARLE, helped by the sprightly earnestness of Miss
+CLARA JECKS, who has turned over a new leaf and come out as a
+page, and kept moving by the dashing "go" of Miss SADIE JEROME
+(not at all a "sad eye" nor a "say die" sort of young lady) as _Lalage
+Potts_, this two-act musical farce, beginning as a kind of _High Life
+below Stairs_ and ending anyhow, offering, as it does, opportunities
+to Our Only ARTHUR for introducing into it any amount of
+"divarsion" in the way of new songs, eccentric speeches, nods, winks,
+becks, and wreathed smiles, may be continuing its successful career in
+the summer of '96, there being no apparent reason why its run should
+ever stop, that is as long as _Gentleman Arthur Joe Roberts_ handles
+the ribands as the popular _Cabbing-it Minister_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A NEW TITLE.--Our GRACE, the cricketer, is not made
+a "Sir" or raised to a dukedom. There is, however, in view of present
+craze, a great chance for conferring the greater honour on a champion
+bicyclist. His title would be "The Duke of WHEELINGTON."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SCRAPS FROM CHAPS.
+
+A DIVIDEND DESERVED.--The Glasgow Town Council has been
+running its own tram-cars for a year past, and has cleared more than
+L20,000 of profit for the citizens out of the business. There is huge
+rejoicing on the Clyde, and no wonder, as the result is due to sheer
+good management, without over-charging the public or over-driving the
+drivers. The Tramways Committee reports:--
+
+ Further, the Committee have given effect to what they believe to
+ be the general feeling of the citizens--viz., that the cars, which
+ necessarily form a notable feature of the streets of the city,
+ should not only be tasteful in design and colour, and comfortable
+ for passengers, but also that their general appearance should not be
+ marred or their destinations obscured by advertisements.
+
+Moral for many southern railway, tram, and omnibus companies--Go and do
+likewise! Moral for Glasgow citizens--Get carried over your tram-lines
+often enough, and you'll carry over a big dividend to decrease your
+next year's rates!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SUB-LIME!--This is how "business" is transacted by some of the
+Youghal Town Commissioners. The question was--who should supply them
+with lime!
+
+ _Mr. Kennedy._ I propose that thirty-nine barrels be bought and paid
+ for.
+
+ _Mr. Loughlan._ I propose that he supply the lime at 1_s._ per barrel.
+
+ _Mr. Long_ (_warmly_). I say the Board can't do anything of the kind.
+
+ _Mr. Loughlan._ You'll get choked if you don't keep cool (_laughter_).
+
+ _Mr. Long_ (_excitedly_). Take care of your windpipe (_laughter_). I
+ suppose he gave you a few good lumps of lime (_loud laughter_).
+
+ _Mr. Loughlan_ (_jumping up excitedly_). Now that is a gross insult.
+
+ _The Chairman._ Order, order, gentlemen.
+
+    Then Youghal's worried chairman raised a cry of "Order!"--when
+    A lump of old white limestone took him in the abdomen;
+    And he smiled a wan official smile and walked out at the door,
+    And the tongues of LONG and LOUGHLAN interested him no more.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PORKERS AND PAUPERS.--Bath Workhouse pigs "live on the best of
+good cheer" in the form and substance of milk, so the municipal pork
+and rate-aided bacon ought to be prime. The _Bristol Mercury_ reports a
+meeting of the Bath guardians, when
+
+ Mr. MANCHIP called attention to the fact that some of the
+ children did not even touch their milk gruel and dry bread which
+ was served out for breakfast. On Friday morning when the visitors
+ were at the Workhouse at seven o'clock two buckets of milk gruel
+ were taken out to the pigs. Mr. MANCHIP proposed that the
+ Medical Officer be asked if he would be good enough at his earliest
+ convenience to consider whether a change could be made in the
+ children's diet. The Chairman thought if the gruel was sweetened with
+ a spoonful of treacle the children would then like it. It was agreed
+ to give the Chairman's suggestion a fortnight's trial.
+
+Congratulations to the Bath children on being e-manchip-ated from their
+old diet!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For securing "absolute impartiality" in conferring the prizes at the
+Llanelly National Eisteddfod, the judges had "a pit dug for them,"
+into which they disappeared during the progress of competitions,
+so that participators could not "fix them with a glittering
+eye," and compel them (by hypnotic means) to award a prize. Sir
+JOSEPH BARNBY--warbling, _sotto voce_, "This is my time for
+disappearing"--greatly enjoyed these dives to the bottom of the well
+in search of Truth, and no doubt the novel departure "assisted" the
+blindness of Justice. But, so far as dignity is concerned, "Oh! the
+pit-y of it."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    We read of a cooky at Claughton,
+    In music she was a self-taught'un;
+          But her mistress, I fear,
+          Said 'twas nothing but beer
+
+that caused her cook to vociferate hymns and, in her harmonious
+enthusiasm, to return home towards midnight and hammer loudly at the
+door. We know not whether this melodious _cuisiniere's_ recipe for
+cleaning fire-irons "with a wet rag and a bucket of water" is to be
+found in Mrs. GLASSE'S _Art of Cookery_, but the learned Judge
+decided in favour of the mistress, against whom MARY ROGERS (a
+poetical name forsooth) brought an action for unjustifiable dismissal.
+Alas! poor cook. She must, henceforward, do her stewing without singing
+and her "mashes" without melody.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Mr. HENRY MCCALMONT gives "receptions" they will be
+styled, not "_soirees_," but "After-Newnes."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "DOTH NOT A 'MEETING' LIKE THIS MAKE AMENDS?"
+
+_Duke of W-stm-nst-r_ (_as they come out of the Hall, Chester_).
+"EXCELLENT SPEECH, SIR! SO VERY KIND OF YOU TO COME!"
+
+_Mr. G._ "DON'T MENTION IT, DUKE. IF THERE'S ONE THING I LIKE MORE
+THAN ANOTHER, IT'S A NON-POLITICAL MEETING!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SOLILOQUY IN ST. JAMES'S PARK.
+
+(_By a Socialistic Loafer._)
+
+[Illustration]
+
+    Besoide the worter in Sin Jimes's Pork,
+    I've stritched meself ter snooze hunder this ole tree--
+    But cawn't, fur all the keckle, screech, an' squork,
+    From these yere ducks an' swans, an' sim'lar poultry!
+
+    Them fowls is kep' up orf the Nytion's fun's;
+    If yer chucked stones at 'em there'd be a fuss mide;
+    They're reg'lar bustin' with the kikes an' buns
+    As they gits frowed by hevery kiddy's nuss-mide!
+
+    I'll lay a femily cud liv fur weeks
+    On arf the screps them lyzy hoidle ducks re-jecks
+    hevery hour, a-turnin' up their beaks,
+    An' wallerin' in comfit an' in lux'ry!
+
+    Whoy should the loikes o' them 'ave hall the luck,
+    Whoile sech as me----? It's skendalus, I s'y 'tis,
+    That--jest becos I ain't a bloomin' duck--
+    Sercoiety don't grub and board me grytis!
+
+    Some d'y we'll mike hour vices 'eard, in 'owls
+    O' ryge, an' s'y to--well, no matter _'oo_ it is--
+    "Ain't we more fit ter live nor worter-fowls?
+    We're yumin beans--not feathered sooperflooities!"
+
+    I'd cop thet one jess waddlin' hup the grorss,
+    An' twist 'is neck--'e's honly fit fur cookin';
+    I would, on _prinserple_, as bold as brorss--
+    If that there bloomin' Keeper wasn't lookin'!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"OH! LIZA."--Another subject for CHEVALIER. A special
+meeting was held in Liverpool to protest against the presence of
+Cockney costers who, it was asserted, seriously injured the business
+of Liverpudlian "market-tenants." Mr. WALKER (is he of the
+celebrated Hookey branch of the family?) averred that he had "seen a
+coster with his barrow standing before the LORD MAYOR'S shop
+for half-an-hour." Our sympathetic soul weeps at this gross injustice
+to the worthy syndic, and we trust it will not cost-er him too much.
+But, as the lawyer remarked, _de costibus non est disputandum_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+C. C. NEWS. LATEST (LAST THURSDAY) AS TO SCHOOL BOARD
+SQUABBLES.--Mr. BOWIE wanted to have his Bowie-knife into
+Mr. DIGGLE and others; but was prevented. A BOWIE,
+not very sharp and without point, is rather a useless weapon in a fight.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"WURM WURK!"--At Bexhill-on-Sea the "Improvement
+Committee"--(how wise of Bexhill-on-Sea to have instituted a
+permanent "Improvement Committee," otherwise it might become
+Bexhill-_at_-Sea!)--has engaged the exclusive services of Herr
+WURM and his band. New motto for this new watering-place, "The
+Early Beaks-'ll catch the Wurm." The musical _pabulum_ here provided
+will be known as "the Diet of Wurm's." Band to play during every meal.
+Likewise "Wurm Baths" with music. The eminent conductor will Wurm
+himself into favour with everyone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The _Daily Telegraph_ notifies a novelty in return tickets introduced
+by the South London Electric Railway. "The return half of the ticket is
+usable at any time." The idea being not "Go as you please," but "Go as
+we (the Co.) please, and come back as you like."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE EXTINCTION OF THE HORSE.
+
+_Squire._ "ISN'T THAT THE MARE, COPER, YOU HOPED TO MAKE THREE
+FIGURES OF AS A LADY'S HACK!"
+
+_Local Dealer._ "YES, SIR, THIS IS HER, WORSE LUCK! SHE'LL HAVE TO
+GO FOR A 'CABBER' NOW--UNLESS I BOIL HER DOWN FOR BICYCLE OIL!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LA GEOGRAPHIE DE LONDRES.
+
+_A Monsieur Punch._
+
+MONSIEUR,--_Je viens d'arriver_--but hold! I go to write in
+english, which I know enough well. I am come to London to this Congress
+of Geographs. I cross the Sleeve--_la Manche_, how say you? Ah _la
+douleureuse traversee_, the dolorous traversy! In fine, the train
+arrives at a station. I seek, I regard, I read the soap, the mustard,
+the other _reclames_--how say you?--but not the name of the station.
+Then a cry, "Londonbridg!" Ah, it is the station of London! _Sapristi_,
+how she is little this station! _La gare de Londres_ no more great than
+a station of _banlieue_, near to Paris. Eh well, I descend immediately.
+I seek my baggages, I go to find a _fiacre_, a "ansom." Then in English
+I say to the coacher, "George Street, Number Forty." "Olraittseu," say
+he. What is this that this is that that? I comprehend not. But all of
+same I mount in carriage and we part.
+
+Soon we arrive. Hold! This is a street of commerce; there is there but
+offices. And not of number forty.
+
+"Nottir, maounsiah?" say the coacher. Ah, I comprehend! "No," say I,
+"not here." "Minnoriss," say he. "How?" say I; but we are in road.
+Hold! Again a street of commerce--but of the most villain. I anger
+myself. I cry, "Coacher, I have said you George Street." "Olraitt,
+maounsiah," say he, "this is George Street." "Not here," I respond. "Is
+there two George Streets?" Then he swear, he laugh; he ask that he may
+be blown; he say more, that I comprehend not. In fine, he say, "Taoua
+Ill." Again a George Street. But here some warehouses only. Then the
+coacher say, "Shoditch," and we go. Again a George Street! Still more
+small! Again one time I anger myself. I ask to him, "Where go you?" He
+say, "Which George Street is it?" I say, "George Street, London." Then
+he laugh again, and he swear; and he say, "Ollaouai." Again a George
+Street! _Tiens, c'est embetant!_ But it is but a street of commerce,
+and very little. "Islingtonn," say he. What! again a George Street?
+_Sapristi! Quelle ville!_ If they love the name of George, these
+English! But, no, still a poor little street. "Blakfraiahs," say the
+coacher. We traverse some streets, some streets, without end! In fine,
+see there number forty. But it is a little shop. _Mille tonnerres! Pas
+encore!_ "Youstonn Road," say he. Again some streets, some streets,
+without end! And again a street of commerce. And again the number forty
+is a shop! _Sacre nom d'une pipe!_ "Lissn Grov," say he. Again some
+_kilometres_ to traverse. What! Again a George Street? How many of them
+is there, of these George Streets? And again, as you say in english,
+"No go." But all of same we go, for the coacher say "Manshestasquaiah."
+I shut myself the eyes, and I repose myself.
+
+Ah, that values better! In fine, a better street. And see, there number
+forty! What joy! In fine, I arrive. How it is fatiguing, this course
+in London, long of three hours or more! I descend. I demand my friend.
+What? He live not here? He is gone? _A la bonne heure!_ "One more," say
+the coacher. "What," I cry, "again a George Street?" "Yess, maounsiah,
+Annovasquaiah." Then this one is not the house of my friend, this one
+is not the George Street that I seek! _Que le diable enleve_----
+
+But we continue, we arrive, in fine, it is here. All exhausted I
+descend. How much pays one the course in London? In Paris it is 1.50.
+Ah! in London it must be one shilling and half. This one has been a
+long course; I go to give a good _pourboire_, one shilling. I offer
+to the cabman two shillings and half. Then he cry, he swear, he
+descend, he wish to fight me. I say, "It is not enough? How much?"
+He say, "Tenbobb." What is this that this is that that? In fine, my
+friends come from the house, they explain that that wishes to say,
+"Ten shillings," they say he has reason, and I pay him. It costs dear
+the cab of London. But it is equal to me, for now I go to pronounce a
+discourse before the Geographical Congress on the George Streets of
+London. He will be of the most interestings, of the most curious. I beg
+you, Mister _Punch_, to make me the honour of to come to hear him, and
+to agree the assurance of my sentiments the most distinguished.
+
+  AUGUSTE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE POLITICAL UGLY DUCKLING.
+
+(_Fragments of a Brummagem Fairy Tale._)
+
+It was in a big town in the Midlands that the Ugly Duckling first
+chipped shell. "_Cheek! Cheek! Cheek!_" squeaked the youngster as he
+crept out. How big and ugly he was, to be sure! Not a bit like the
+other ducklings. In fact he was a portent, and a puzzle.
+
+However, the ugly, grey-coated youngster, took to the water, and swam
+about like the rest. "He's every inch my own child, after all," said
+the old duck. "And really he's very pretty, when one comes to look at
+him attentively. Quack! quack!" added she; "now, come along, and I'll
+take you into high society. Now move on, and mind you cackle properly,
+and bow your head before that old duck yonder, who is the noblest born
+of them all. Now bend your neck, and say 'Quack!'"
+
+But the Ugly Duckling was an odd bird, as well as an ill-favoured one,
+and gave much trouble and excited much jealousy in the duck-yard. He
+quacked indeed, but he would not bend his head or bow to the old duck
+properly.
+
+"He remained too long in the egg-shell," mused the maternal bird; "and
+therefore his figure, like his manners, is not properly formed on the
+true duck model. But as he's a male duck it won't matter so much. I
+think he'll prove strong, and be able to fight his way through the
+world." Which was true.
+
+<tb>
+
+But at first the Ugly Duckling had a baddish time of it. He was bitten,
+pushed about, and made game of, not only by the ducks, but by the hens.
+They all declared he was much too big, and fancied himself too much.
+He certainly was not graceful, and he had a cocky, self-assertive
+air which irritated the Conservative Old Cockalorums. He was always
+making unexpected and unducklike sorties, "alarums and excursions,"
+and lifting up his raucus-caucus voice against the time-honoured rules
+and respectable conventions of the duck-pond. So much so, that they
+nicknamed him the "Daring Duckling," and prophesied that he would come
+to a bad end.
+
+So he ran away, and flew over the palings.
+
+<tb>
+
+He had many adventures, and various. He dwelt for a time with a lot
+of wild ducks in a marsh, and even struck up a sort of friendship
+for a swarm of wild geese, who wanted to do away with domestication
+and destroy the "tame villatic" tendencies of gregarious goosedom,
+and abolish barn-yards and duck-ponds, peacocks, and game-fowls, and
+guinea-hens, and poulterer's shops, and _pate de foie gras_, and other
+checks on liberty and incentives to luxury. But somehow he didn't get
+on with the wild ducks for long. He was so much wilder than they, and
+wanted his own way too much and too often for the old and recognised
+leaders of their flocks. And as to the wild geese, why he soon lost
+sympathy with their "revolutionary programmes" and "subversive
+schemes," which he learned to regard indeed as a sort of wild goose
+chase, and deride and denounce as vehemently as he had aforetime
+praised them.
+
+"I think I'll take my chance, and go abroad into the wide world," said
+the Duckling.
+
+<tb>
+
+One evening, just as the sun was setting, there came a whole flock of
+beautiful large birds from a grove. The Ugly Duckling had never seen
+any so lovely before. They were dazzlingly white, with long graceful
+necks: they were swans. They uttered a peculiar cry, and then spread
+their magnificent wings and away they flew from this cold country to
+warmer lands across the open sea, as was their usual custom. They rose
+so high that the Ugly Duckling felt a strange sensation come over him,
+a sort of delicious vertigo. He turned round and round in the water
+like a wheel, stretched his neck up into the air toward them, and
+uttered so loud and strange a cry that he was frightened at it himself.
+Oh! never could he again forget those beautiful, happy birds, so
+gracefully fleeting against a primrose sky. He knew not how those birds
+were called, nor whither they were bound, but he felt an affection for
+them, such as he had never yet experienced for any living creature.
+And he more and more lost love for, and patience with, all his old
+associates, ducks or geese, wild or domesticated.
+
+<tb>
+
+The Ugly Duckling now felt able to flap his wings. They rustled much
+louder than before, and bore him away most sturdily; and before long he
+found himself in a noble park, a nobleman's park; indeed, the dainty
+demesne of one of those who "toil not neither do they spin." It was
+quite Beaconsfieldian in its beauty, with its smooth emerald sward and
+umbrageous elm-avenues, its dusky cedar clumps and tail-spreading,
+crest-sunning peacocks.
+
+"Dear me!" mused the Ugly Duckling. "It is strange, but _I feel quite
+at home here!!!_"
+
+Three magnificent white swans now emerged from the thicket before him;
+they flapped their wings and then swam lightly on the surface of the
+water. The larger one (whose beak bore the letter S as a "nick") was
+dark and haughty of mien, the second (whose beak was branded B) was
+slim and exceeding graceful; whilst the third, a solid and even rather
+sullen-looking bird, was beak-stamped with a legible D.
+
+"I will fly towards these royal birds," cried the Ugly Duckling. And he
+flew into the water, and swam towards those stately swans, who turned
+to meet him with sail-like wings the moment they saw him.
+
+"Why, he is one of us!" said the darker and statelier of the three.
+"Almost!" he added, _sotto voce_.
+
+The Ugly Duckling was startled at the remark. But looking at his
+reflection in the smooth lake he was more startled still. His own image
+was to his eyes no longer that of the Daring Duckling, much less of the
+Ugly One. It was smart, smooth, sleek, swelling, in fact swan-like!!!
+At any rate, he thought so, and so, indeed, the other three swans
+seemed to think.
+
+He preened his feathers, and puffed forth his plumes. He flapped his
+wings, and arched his neck, as he cried in the fullness of his heart:--
+
+"I never dreamed of such happiness when I was the Brummagem Ugly
+Duckling."
+
+<tb>
+
+It matters not being born in a duck-yard if one is hatched from a
+swan's egg!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+_In Leisure Time_, by W. S. MAVOR (ELLIOT STOCK) is,
+so my Baronite reports, a daintily-bound little volume of blameless
+verse, unambitious, as may be inferred from its title. The author
+writes like a classical scholar, his lines are fluent and melodious,
+his metre and rhyme unimpeachable, while some of the poems, such as
+"Zaleucus" and "A Vision," rise distinctly above the general level.
+In others there are passages which my Baronite--a sadly prosaic and
+matter-of-fact person--owns to having found slightly obscure.
+
+For example, in the following couplet:--
+
+    "In vain the fickle demon sports
+    With fetid remnants of decay."
+
+[Illustration]
+
+He quite failed to discover what particular--or rather anything _but_
+particular--demon is referred to, or why he should amuse himself in so
+eccentric and unpleasant a manner.
+
+Nor, my Baronite says, was his conception of contentment greatly
+assisted by this somewhat complicated comparison:--
+
+    "Contentment is a love-commissioned barque
+    Sailing a self-less sea--a sea whose flood
+    Is ordered alway by the laughing guns
+    Of Virtue's fortalice, whose armament,
+    Primed with rose-petal powder, doth discharge
+    In generous rounds of sympathy with all,
+    Scattering happiness, whose smile betrays
+    The pangless hurt."
+
+But that, he is quite willing to admit, may be rather the fault of his
+own imagination than the poet's. Again, in a poem entitled "Love's
+Messengers," the author writes:--
+
+    "Flit thou along on softly feathered feet,
+    Noiseless, thou shadowy-pinioned minister,
+    And gently fan, _with midnight gale_, my sweet,
+                Lest thou awaken her."
+
+Which, to my Baronite, suggests the difficulty that, if the minister
+fans the lady with his shadowy pinions "gently," he will fail to
+produce anything resembling a "midnight gale"; on the other hand, if he
+performs the part of invisible punkah so energetically as to suggest
+a gale, he can hardly help awakening her unless she is a very heavy
+sleeper indeed--and _might_ give her a cold in the head. Surely this is
+rather an unfair dilemma on which to place a feathered minister of any
+denomination.
+
+But after all, poetry, as my Baronite fully recognises, is not meant to
+be judged by so literal a standard, and it may be cheerfully conceded
+that there are many people who make a less profitable use of their
+"Leisure Time" than Mr. MAVOR has done. In which opinion
+concurs
+
+  THE LEISURELY BARON DE BOOK-WORMS.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HOP(E)FUL LIBERALISM IN KENT.--Sir ISRAEL HART of
+Hythe, thinks that if his friends do their work well, he may yet
+find in the Hytheians an Israel-light-hearted constituency. Sir
+ISRAEL is a _Jew d'esprit_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BICYCLE AGAIN.
+
+_Applicant for the Situation of Cook._ "BEFORE I GO, PLEASE, MA'AM,
+MAY I ASK YOUR SERVANT TO SHOW ME THE BASEMENT? I MUST SEE THAT YOU
+HAVE A CONVENIENT PLACE FOR MY BICYCLE!"
+
+_Mistress._ "OF COURSE I HAVE SEEN TO THAT. YOU WILL FIND A
+ROOM SET APART. ONLY I MUST TELL YOU THAT I DON'T ALLOW RATIONAL
+DRESS!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+FOR THE TAILORS' CONGRESS AT VERVIERS.
+
+1. Why should it take nine tailors to make a man?
+
+2. Ought you cut a coat according to your cloth, or according to the
+fashion?
+
+3. How do you cook a tailor's goose? Should it be basted?
+
+4. In England is the most suitable seaside resort for tailors
+Weskit-on-Sea, or Sheerness _sur la cote_?
+
+5. Shall a prize be given for the best essay on the advantage of having
+a pair of Pantaloons on the stage in a Pantomime?
+
+6. Is it a matter of universal complaint that a tailor should not be
+allowed to play billiards because he scarcely passes a day without
+cutting a cloth?
+
+7. What price for the best tale of a coat?
+
+8. Is it proved to satisfaction that SHAKSPEARE was a tailor
+from the fact of his having written _Measure for Measure_?
+
+9. Whether, for the next International Yacht Race, the tailors should
+enter a cutter?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOOD BADMINTON.--Among the contents of LONGMAN'S
+_Badminton Magazine_ is an article by the Markiss o' GRANBY
+on Grouse; SUSAN, not Black-eyed nor Rebellious, but Countess
+of Malmesbury, writes cleverly on her perch, and on the matter of
+salmon the Countess would count for a lot in any ex-salmonation. Lord
+ONSLOW on slow and on quick bicycling; capital. C. B.
+FRY, not one of the Small Fry, gives his ideal of a cricketing
+day, which is to be known as a "Fry-day." Then who is it writes a
+florid account of fishing in Florida? O'TIS MYGATT. The
+question of "What's on at Newmarket?" is pleasantly answered by
+ALFRED WATS-ON at Newmarket. On "Old Sporting Prints,"
+PEEK writes with point. And on "The Alpine 'Distress Signal'
+Scheme" there is a paper by C. T. DENT, who has been, more or
+less, a Re-si-dent on the spot, as this in-denture witnesseth.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"TO THE RANK OF MAJOR-GENERAL HAVE RISEN!"--_Critic._ From a
+paragraph in last week's _Truth_ we extract the following:--"Another
+scandalous 'selection' job has just been perpetrated at the War
+Office. Colonel TROTTER, who has been promoted to the rank of
+major-general, has seen no war service, and has no professional claims
+whatever upon the authorities." If this information be correct, the
+colonel should be remembered by the distinctly Dickensian title of
+_"Job" Trotter_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE LAST KNIGHT OF THE SEASON.
+
+On Monday, July 29, Sir AUGUSTUS HARRIS, bidding farewell to
+a typical '95 Covent Garden audience (house crowded in every part),
+seized the opportunity to present one of his lightning conductors with
+a "_baton_ of honour." In a spontaneous speech, DRURIOLANUS
+declared that Signor MANCINELLI had "worked like a Trojan,"
+and the announcement was received with sympathetic applause. Still,
+it was thought possible by those present that the pleasant and
+prosperous _impresario_ was in search of something that he had
+seemingly lost--"a little poem of his own." We have no hesitation in
+publishing the following lines, entitled _Sans Adieu_, found in the
+neighbourhood of the C. G. orchestra. If they are not from the pen of
+DRURIOLANUS, they ought to have been:--
+
+    Not farewell, my MANCINELLI!
+      MANCINELLI, _au revoir!_
+    As harmonious _fratelli_
+      We shall meet again! _Espoir!_
+    Take, oh take this shining _baton_.
+      You're a marvel! _O, si sic!_
+    When you've got it, with your hat on.
+      _En vacance_ you'll cut your stick.
+
+    You will wave it, you will wield it
+      Always, my conductor prime,
+    Never up again you'll yield it,
+      Ever living to beat time!
+    Grasp it, use it, MANCINELLI!
+      Highest praise to you is due!
+    With it beat Old Time to jelly,
+      Till Conductor Time beats _you!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+More Honours.
+
+Motto for Sir WILLIAM DUNN: "_Ce qu'il fait c'est bien fait._"
+Likewise "Just Dunn enough."
+
+For Mr. JOHN TOMLINSON BRUNNER, M.P., a Brunneretcy.
+
+Motto for Sir A. B. FORWOOD: "_En avant! et plus en avant que
+jamais._"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"H.M.S."--Should H.M. the King of the BELGIANS ask H. M.
+STANLEY, M.P., to return to Congo-land, the inquiry wired will
+take this simple form "_Congo?_" and the answer must be "_Can't go_."
+_On dit._ The H.M.'s have settled satisfactorily.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MEDICAL CONGRESS.--Explanation:--The "Anti-toxin" party is
+against the use of a dinner bell or gong. They do not agree with Lord
+BYRON, "The tocsin of the soul, the dinner bell."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE NEW KEEPERS.
+
+SQUIRE BULL (_to_ S-L-SB-RY _and_
+CH-MB-RL-N). "WELL, MY MEN--NOW I'VE TAKEN YOU ON, I SHALL
+EXPECT BIGGER BAGS THAN I'VE HAD LATELY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: REMINISCENCE OF A RECENT POLITICAL CONTEST.
+
+_Harmless Individual_ (_who has suddenly and unexpectedly been
+assaulted and battered by inebriated party_). "YOU SCOUNDREL!
+WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS?"
+
+_Inebriated Politician._ "'LECKSHUNS, OLE F'LA!
+'LECKSHUNS!--(_hic_)----"
+
+ [_Comes a cropper himself._ #/ ]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MEETING OF THE WATER-RATEPAYERS.
+
+ ["The New Town Hall in Mare Street, Hackney, was altogether too small
+ to hold the crowds who came last night (August 1) to protest against
+ the action of the East London Water Company in cutting down the supply
+ of water during the past few weeks."--_Evening News._]
+
+AIR--"_The Meeting of the Waters._"
+
+    There is not in the whole land a meeting so meet
+    As that of the ratepayers held at Mare Street.
+    No mare's nest they'd found, no, the Hackneyite heart
+    Was hot at the new Water Company start!
+
+    It _was_ not that Nature had stinted supply;
+    That Monopolist pretext appears "all my eye."
+    'Twas _not_ summer parching of river and rill,
+    Oh! no--it was something more troublesome still.
+
+    'Twas that greed and neglect had combined, it is clear,
+    To make East End water deficient and dear;
+    And Monopoly now the supply must improve,
+    Or more than mere Mare Streets will be on the move.
+
+    Big Monopolist Mammon, how calm could you rest
+    With your dividends high in the way you love best;
+    But when water runs short, and diseases increase,
+    The East End won't leave you and your Water at peace.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GULLY-VER.--Mr. BALFOUR'S decision as to not
+disturbing the SPEAKER in his uneasy chair was e-gully
+awaited, and is, it is hoped, accepted e-gully by all parties. So now,
+in his chair, Mr. GULLY will reign re-gully.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LATEST FASHION.--Bicycle dinners and suppers have been the
+vogue. _Piece de resistance_ is of course "Cold Wheel." This dish is
+selected because whatever the number "wheel" is sure to go round.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+LEAVE OF ABSENCE TO AUGUST-OUT DALY CO.
+
+AUGUSTIN DALY'S Company has left us just as play-goers had
+taken a fancy to _Nancy & Co_. To paraphrase the old refrain--
+
+    And all their fancy
+    Dwelt upon NANCY
+     The play called _Nancy & Co._
+
+It went as a lively laughter-raiser should go, with Miss ADA
+REHAN excellent in every way; Miss MAXINE ELLIOT
+charming; JAMES LEWIS inimitably funny, and Mr.
+WORTHING ("quite a Bright'un," as WAGSTAFF says)
+capital. That the fun of a farcical comedy should be kept up through
+four acts is a tribute to the original work and to the skill of its
+adaptor, Mr. _Daly_ himself. _"Vive la Compagnie!" et au revoir!_
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Sportsman's View of It.
+
+    CHAMBERLAIN _vice_ ROSEBERY! What fun!
+      The change means order, peace, and lots of tin for us.
+    What are the Derbies twain young Primrose won
+      To the _New Markets_ many JOE will win for us?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"AFTER THE CALL WAS OVER."
+
+(_Notes for an Additional Chapter to the History of Hullibulgaria._)
+
+The Deputation did their very best. They were most anxious to make
+things smooth. "He whom they desired to obey" would wear an inferior
+sort of crown, robes of cotton-backed velvet, trimmed with imitation
+fur. He would not give away orders--he would only take them. He would
+not command the army, save as an agent acting under direction from the
+Master. There is nothing he would not do to secure the goodwill of his
+great, his benevolent, his all-powerful Master.
+
+The Bear was very amiable. The Bear was pleased with the Deputation
+and with the nation they represented. And having said this, there was
+nothing further for the Bear to say.
+
+"But, most powerful of powers, most clement of sovereignties," urged
+the Deputation, "there is another matter needing decision. How about
+the Prince?"
+
+"What Prince?" softly murmured the Bear, in a tone of curiosity
+combined with astonishment.
+
+"The Prince we wish to serve," explained the Deputation; "the Prince
+who desires to serve you."
+
+"Have you read the Treaty of Berlin?" asked Bruin. "It is a most
+excellent agreement, and deserves special attention. Does the name of
+any Prince appear therein?"
+
+"No," replied the Deputation; "and the same painful omission is
+observable in the _Almanac de Gotha_. So we would petition on our
+knees that the painful omission should be supplied. We ask that the
+Prince----"
+
+"Stop! stop!" cried the Bear. "You are talking of a myth. As Mrs.
+GAMP--a well-known Englishwoman--once observed, 'I don't
+believe there ain't no sech person.' So think I, and so thinks the
+Treaty of Berlin."
+
+And so the Deputation returned from whence they came, and "the Prince"
+continued to "take the waters" without obtaining the cure he desired.
+It was disappointing to His Highness, but not to the Editor of the
+_Almanac de Gotha_, who found a revised edition of his excellent
+periodical was, at least for the present, unnecessary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What title will Baron DE WORMS take? Viscount
+CHRYSALIS? to end by becoming Le Duc DE PAPILLON?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: Br-ce. B-nn-rm-n. Asq-th.
+
+A PARLIAMENTARY PROSPECT.
+
+_Sir W. V. H-rc-rt_ (_on Opposition Bench_). "HOW HOT AND
+UNCOMFORTABLE THEY MUST BE OVER THERE! SO CROWDED!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PASSION AND POETRY.
+
+I was immensely struck, a few days ago, by a passage in a speech
+recently delivered by the Archbishop of CANTERBURY, in
+which he explained his method of dispelling those passing fits of
+ill-temper from which, alas! not even Archbishops are wholly free. "At
+times," so ran the report of His Grace's words, "anger or irritation
+came upon him, but on the table he kept a book of pleasant poems,
+of which he would read a few lines, and the irritation would melt
+away." Immediately I determined to follow this noble example. It was
+unfortunate that the "book of pleasant poems" was not described more
+specifically--could it be the verses of Mr. ARTHUR CHRISTOPHER
+BENSON?--but I bought a pocket volume of _Selections from the
+Great Poets_, which contained enough variety to suit every case, and
+then looked out for an opportunity of trying the Archbishop's plan.
+
+I had not long to wait. That very evening I came across my uncle
+ROBERT at Clapham Junction, in a furious rage at having
+just missed the last train to Slowborough, where he lives. At once
+I produced my volume, and in slow and emphatic accents I read aloud
+some three or four hundred lines from "Paradise Lost." I was about
+to add one or two of WORDSWORTH'S sonnets, when I realised
+that my uncle had long since disappeared, and that I was surrounded
+by a jeering crowd, who evidently supposed me to be a member of the
+Salvation Army.
+
+On the following morning I received a visit from SNIPS, my
+tailor. He was impolite enough to suggest a settlement of what he
+termed my "small account," a demand, as I politely but plainly assured
+him, which was altogether absurd. As he showed distinct symptoms of
+irritation at this juncture, I began to read him a scene from _Measure
+for Measure_. Strangely enough, this seemed only to irritate him
+further, and I understand that he intends to take proceedings against
+me in the County Court. This second unaccountable failure of the
+Archbishop's remedy greatly surprised and pained me, but I decided to
+give it another trial.
+
+This morning I was playing golf with my friend MACFOOZLE.
+At no time a skilful golfer, MACFOOZLE'S form to-day was
+worse than ever; whenever he made a bad stroke--and he seldom made
+a good one--he indulged in the most violent language. Fortunately
+my volume of poetry was in my pocket. When he completely missed his
+drive at the second hole, I read him COLERIDGE'S _Dejection_.
+When he broke his mashie at the fourth, I treated him with copious
+selections from _In Memoriam_. Finally, he got badly bunkered while
+playing to the fourteenth hole. For some ten minutes he smote furiously
+with his niblick, only raising prodigious clouds of sand as the
+result of his efforts. This was clearly a golden opportunity for the
+Archbishop's cure, "anger and irritation" but faintly represented
+MACFOOZLE'S rage. Seating myself on the edge of the bunker,
+I began to read aloud _The Ring and the Book_ with the utmost pathos.
+Over what followed I prefer to draw a veil. It is enough to say that a
+niblick is a very effective weapon, and that I write these lines in bed.
+
+When I recover, I really must call at Lambeth for fuller directions.
+The archiepiscopal remedy for angry passions does not seem invariably
+happy in its results, as far as my experience goes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MALT-LIQUOR-TIPPLER'S MAXIM.--_"Nihil ale-ienum a me
+pewter":_--"Nothing in the shape of beer comes amiss to me if it's in a
+pewter."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AN EYE TO EFFECT.
+
+_Little Dives._ "OH, BY THE WAY, BELAIRS--AWFULLY SORRY TO CUT
+YOU OUT, YOU KNOW--BUT I'VE JUST PROPOSED TO LADY BARBARA, AND SHE'S
+ACCEPTED ME, AND WE'RE TO BE MARRIED IN SEPTEMBER. AND LOOK HERE, OLD
+CHAPPIE; I WANT YOU TO BE MY BEST MAN. I WANT TO MAKE A GOOD SHOW AT
+THE ALTAR, YOU KNOW!"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Chip to the Champion.
+
+ [Mr. RANJITSINHJI is running Mr. W. G. GRACE very
+ close in the batting averages.]
+
+_To the ancient air of "Cheer up Sam!"_
+
+    BUCK-UP, GRACE!
+      And don't let your average down!
+    For "RANJIT" seems running you hard for first place,
+      To collar your Cricketing Crown!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"PROUD O' THE TITLE."--Sir HENRY JAMES to be "Lord
+JEAMES." How delighted W. M. THACKERAY would have
+been!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+By a Reasonable Rad.
+
+    _Why_ were we whipped? Rads wrangle round,
+      But to _the_ cause make scant allusion.
+    When all's summed up, it will be found,
+    "Fusion" has won against _Con_-fusion!
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SUGGESTION.--In latest _Observer_ is a capital article by
+Mr. ESCOTT, whose text is that "smart" Society transplants to
+London all Parisian fashions that will bear the process. The title is
+"British Boulevardism;" but one still more suggestive of the mixture
+would be "John-Bullvardism." Perhaps Mr. ESCOTT may adopt this
+and give us another column.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ROUNDABOUT READINGS.
+
+In a biographical sketch of the late Rev. Dr. JULIUS HAWLEY
+SEELYE, formerly President of Amherst College, in America, I
+read that "Amherst made him President notwithstanding considerable
+opposition in the faculty. He soon overcame that, and advanced the
+prosperity of the College in the accessions to its faculty and
+endowments that he secured. He soon required the students to sign an
+agreement to be gentlemen. A violation of the pledge resulted in the
+termination of their careers at Amherst." This sounds strange, for it
+would appear that if no pledge had been given the students might have
+behaved as they liked, without terminating their careers. The idea of
+solemnly pledging yourself to be a gentleman is quite colossal.
+
+[Illustration]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Independent Labour Party is not dead yet. It is forming clubs,
+just like any ordinary humdrum party. The _Western Daily Press_
+reports that "At a special meeting held at LEE'S Coffee
+Tavern, Bath Bridge, last night, when there were present Mr. W.
+S. M. KNIGHT, president of the Bristol South Independent Labour
+Party (in the chair), Messrs. A. BROWNE, E. B. HACK,
+C. VALE, C. F. BROCKLEHURST, T. POLE, C.
+PARKER, and W. PRICE, it was unanimously decided to open
+a club for Totterdown and the East Ward of Bedminster in connection
+with the Independent Labour Party. Officers and a committee were
+appointed, and suitable headquarters for the club were decided upon."
+Nothing could be more appropriate. Totterdown suggests decrepitude and
+failure (in this case at least), and Bedminster hints at repose and
+peace. I offer the suggestion and the hint gratis to the Independent
+Labour Windbags.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Loveday Street Canal Bridge (which is, I fancy, in Birmingham) is
+evidently a demon bridge with a depraved taste for injuring children.
+One day last week it threw JOHN CHICK, aged seven, off and
+broke one of his legs. About five hours later, resenting an attempt on
+the part of THOMAS WALTON, aged twelve, to climb it, it flung
+him off on to the towing-path and injured his back. A few days before
+that it had precipitated the same THOMAS WALTON into the
+water, whence he was rescued with some difficulty. Evidently this is a
+bridge with an ungovernable temper, and the authorities should guard it
+efficiently.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+_The Scotsman_ informs me that "speaking the other day at Haddington,
+Mr. BALFOUR glanced scathingly at those politicians of the
+baser sort who seek to confuse great issues by dragging to the front
+petty or irrelevant questions, and the breath of whose nostrils is
+the disturbance of the harmony which should subsist between class
+and class of the community." On this two questions arise. The first
+is how Mr. BALFOUR, an amiable gentleman, managed to glance
+scathingly. To scath, as I learn from the dictionary, means to hurt,
+to injure; and, personally, I cannot imagine Mr. BALFOUR
+infusing very much venom into a mere glance of his expressive eye. The
+second question is how politicians, even of the baser sort, can go on
+living when their unfortunate lungs are filled with a disturbance of
+harmony. That they should have sufficient strength left to drag to the
+front petty or irrelevant questions is nothing short of a marvel, due
+allowance being made for metaphors.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A golfer is in trouble, and has confided his difficulties to _Golf_.
+
+ Whilst playing on the links at Streetly, on July 16, he drove a ball,
+ which apparently fell clear, but which for some time could not be
+ found. After some little hunting it was discovered under a small tuft
+ of heather in a lark's nest, resting on the back of a young lark,
+ apparently about four days old, together with three lark's eggs,
+ which were quite intact. The golfer was obliged, of course, to lift
+ the ball and place it behind, as it would have been gross cruelty to
+ have played it from the nest. It was match play. Under the exceptional
+ circumstances was he bound to lose the hole? The editor replies that
+ if a player were a stickler for the law and nothing but the law, he,
+ of course, would be entitled to enforce it against his opponent who
+ found the ball in the nest.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    A tee for your ball, you may fashion of sand
+      (Which is found in the sugar you use for your tea);
+    Then you spread your legs wide, and you take a firm stand,
+      And away with a whack goes the ball flying free.
+
+    If it flies like a bird, there's no need to explain;
+      If not, then the ways of that golfer are dark,
+    Who attempts, though the effort is doomed to be vain,
+      To stand, taking tee on the back of a lark.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There has been some excitement at Weston-super-Mare. The "Conservative
+party organized a reception for the Hon. G. H. JOLLIFFE on his
+first appearance in the town since his election for the Wells division.
+Arrangements were made for those intending to take part in the
+procession to meet the hon. gentleman at the Potteries on his return
+from Banwell Horse Show at 7 p.m., but he arrived in the town a quarter
+of an hour too early, and scores of enthusiasts were disappointed.
+Those, however, who happened to be early enough followed the hon.
+gentleman, some on foot and others in cabs, to the Royal Hotel, the
+Town Band heading the procession. Mr. JOLLIFFE rode on a coach
+drawn by four horses, and was supported by several of the leaders of
+the party in the town. Subsequently he addressed those assembled."
+But if Mr. JOLLIFFE rode on a coach, why was it necessary to
+support him? Moreover, seeing that it was a four-horse affair, it seems
+unjust that the leaders should be talked of and that no mention at all
+should be made of the wheelers.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NANA SAHIB has died once more.
+
+ A Mr. WILLIAM BROWN, who was formerly an officer in the East
+ India Company's service, and is now residing at San Francisco, gives
+ the following particulars regarding the fate of NANA SAHIB.
+ Mr. BROWN says that he was commodore of the Ganges Fleet
+ in the Indian Mutiny, and was attacked by Sepoys under NANA
+ SAHIB himself, who was shot in the fighting, and afterwards died
+ on board Mr. BROWN'S ship. NANA SAHIB'S body was
+ then cremated, and the ashes were committed to the river.
+
+Why, oh why, has Mr. BROWN, whom I heartily congratulate on
+clearing up the mystery, kept silence for nearly forty years? And, by
+the way, which Mr. WILLIAM BROWN is he? There must be a good
+many WILLIAM BROWN'S even in San Francisco. Before concluding
+that the matter is definitely settled, I should like to hear Mr.
+HENRY SMITH, Mr. RICHARD ROBINSON, and Mr. JOHN
+JONES on the subject.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WHERE NOT TO GO.
+
+  (_Hints by our Pessimist Passenger._)
+
+  _Amsterdam._--Too much sea before you get there.
+
+  _Boulogne._--Not particularly pleasant at low tide.
+
+  _Cologne._--The reverse of fragrant at all times.
+
+  _Dieppe._--The trap of the tripper.
+
+  _Etretat._--No longer what it was.
+
+  _Frankfort._--Only good for a change of money.
+
+  _Geneva._--Dull and dear.
+
+  _Heidelberg._--Too much hill, and too little castle.
+
+  _Interlaken._--The 'appy 'ome of 'ARRY.
+
+  _Jura Pass._--Sure find for BROWN, JONES, and ROBINSON.
+
+  _Karlsbad._--Kill or cure.
+
+  _Lyons._--Apotheosis of silk monotonous.
+
+  _Marseilles._--Good place for musquitoes, bad for all else.
+
+  _Nice._--Too near to Monte Carlo.
+
+  _Ouchy._--Hotel good, but surroundings superfluous.
+
+  _Paris._--Too hot. Theatres closed and wideawakes seen on the
+  boulevards.
+
+  _Quebec._--Dangerous rival to Bath, Coventry, and Jericho.
+
+  _Rotterdam._--Worthy of its name.
+
+  _Suez._--Not comparable to Cairo.
+
+  _Trouville._--Requires antedating a quarter of a century.
+
+  _Uig._--Skyed and out of reach.
+
+  _Venice._--Vulgarised by the steam launches.
+
+  _Wiesbaden._--Has not yet recovered the loss of its table.
+
+  _Xerez._--Long journey for a glass of sherry.
+
+  _Yokohama._--Not a patch upon Pekin.
+
+  _Zurich._--Alliterative attraction for zomebody.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A BONNE BOUCHE.
+
+_Mr. Wagstaff._ Ah! I have lived many years in the bush.
+
+_Mrs. Leo Hunter._ How interesting! I suppose you must have become
+almost savage!
+
+_Mr. W. Frequently_, when I couldn't get a 'bus or a cab.
+
+_Mrs. L. H._ (_utterly astonished_). A 'bus or a cab! in the bush!!
+
+_Mr. W._ (_pleasantly_). Ah, yes; I was talking of "Shepherd's Bush."
+Good morning.
+
+ [_Exit chuckling._
+
+ [{asterism} _Note by the Bird in the Bush._--In future this
+ little jest of WAGGY'S will be impossible, as it is proposed
+ to re-name Shepherd's Bush, and call it Pastoral Park, or All-Askew
+ Park, or something of the sort.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SORTES SHAKSPERIANAE."--On the new Postmaster-General:--
+
+  "Friend post the Duke of NORFOLK."
+
+  _Richard the Third_, Act iv., Scene 4.
+
+
+And we hope his Grace will be "Friend post," and benefit us all.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A volume of Reminiscences by HENRY RUSSELL is promised.
+Evidently this ought to be a "Cheery, Boys, Cheery" sort of book.
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+109, August 10, 1895, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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