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If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: The Honeymoon - A comedy in three acts - -Author: Arnold Bennett - -Release Date: October 28, 2015 [EBook #50331] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HONEYMOON *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Clarity and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) - - - - - - - THE HONEYMOON - - WORKS BY ARNOLD BENNETT - - NOVELS - - A MAN FROM THE NORTH - ANNA OF THE FIVE TOWNS - LEONORA - A GREAT MAN - SACRED AND PROFANE LOVE - WHOM GOD HATH JOINED - BURIED ALIVE - THE OLD WIVES' TALE - THE GLIMPSE - HELEN WITH THE HIGH HAND - CLAYHANGER - THE CARD - HILDA LESSWAYS - THE REGENT - - FANTASIAS - - THE GRAND BABYLON HOTEL - THE GATES OF WRATH - TERESA OF WATLING STREET - THE LOOT OF CITIES - HUGO - THE GHOST - THE CITY OF PLEASURE - - SHORT STORIES - - TALES OF THE FIVE TOWNS - THE GRIM SMILE OF THE FIVE TOWNS - THE MATADOR OF THE FIVE TOWNS - - BELLES-LETTRES - - JOURNALISM FOR WOMEN - FAME AND FICTION - HOW TO BECOME AN AUTHOR - THE TRUTH ABOUT AN AUTHOR - THE REASONABLE LIFE - HOW TO LIVE ON TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY - THE HUMAN MACHINE - LITERARY TASTE - THE FEAST OF ST. FRIEND - - DRAMA - - POLITE FARCES - CUPID AND COMMON SENSE - WHAT THE PUBLIC WANTS - THE HONEYMOON - THE GREAT ADVENTURE - - * * * * * - - (In Collaboration with EDEN PHILLPOTTS) - - THE SINEWS OF WAR: A ROMANCE - THE STATUE: A ROMANCE - - (In Collaboration with EDWARD KNOBLAUCH) - - MILESTONES - - - - - -THE HONEYMOON - -A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS - - -BY - -ARNOLD BENNETT - -THIRD EDITION - -METHUEN & CO. LTD. -36 ESSEX STREET W.C. - LONDON - - _First Published_ _October 5th 1911_ - _Second Edition_ _January 5th 1912_ - _Third Edition_ _1914_ - - - - - CHARACTERS - - - FLORA LLOYD _Widow, aged 28._ - MRS. REACH HASLAM _A Novelist, aged 56._ - MR. REACH HASLAM _Her Husband, aged 58._ - CEDRIC HASLAM _Their eldest Son, aged 32._ - CHARLES HASLAM _Their second Son, aged 22._ - THE BISHOP OF CHELMSFORD _Aged 55._ - MR. FRAMPINGTON _Aged 30._ - GASTON _A Swiss Waiter, aged 23._ - CUTHBERT _Mrs. Reach Haslam's Butler._ - - - - - CAST OF THE PLAY - - AS PRODUCED UNDER THE DIRECTION OF MR. DION - BOUCICAULT AT THE ROYALTY THEATRE, - LONDON, 6TH OCT., 1911. - - - FLORA LLOYD MISS MARIE TEMPEST. - MRS. REACH HASLAM MISS KATE SERJEANTSON. - MR. REACH HASLAM MR. DION BOUCICAULT. - CEDRIC HASLAM MR. GRAHAM BROWNE. - CHARLES HASLAM MR. BASIL HALLAM. - BISHOP OF CHELMSFORD MR. BERTE THOMAS. - MR. FRAMPINGTON MR. DENNIS EADIE. - GASTON MR. CECIL ROSE. - CUTHBERT MR. HORTON COOPER. - - - - - NOTES ON CHARACTERS IN ACT I - - - FLORA LLOYD. Beautiful. Elegant. Charming. All in the highest - degree possible. The whole play turns on these qualities in her. - - CEDRIC HASLAM. Renowned aviator. The taciturn inventive Englishman. - Very self-controlled, but capable of passionate moments. - Obstinate, with enormous force of character. His movements, - gestures, and speech have a certain air of slow indolence, but - are at the same time marked by that masculine harshness and - brusqueness which would specially appeal to a woman like Flora. - No one could guess from his demeanour that he is famous. - - CHARLES HASLAM. Boyish. Impulsive. Very self-centred. But very - agreeable. - - MRS. REACH HASLAM. Majestic. Richly dressed. The foremost - woman-novelist in England and America. Her name a household word. - No sense of humour. But she is very, very far from being a fool, - and the part is not a low-comedy part. This play shows the least - sympathetic side of her. - - MR. REACH HASLAM. The husband of a celebrity. Strong sense of - sardonic humour, which has very little outlet. Always exceedingly - polite and even deferential to his wife, yet preserving his own - dignity. A prim, dry, precise man. - - GASTON. There are scores of Gastons in the hotels and restaurants - of the West End. He does not differ from the type. - -The Acting Rights of this Play are reserved. Applications for -permission to perform should be made to Messrs. J. B. PINKER & SON, -Talbot House, Arundel Street, Strand, London, W.C. 2, from whom all -particulars as to terms may be obtained. - - - - - - THE HONEYMOON - - - - - ACT I. - - _A sitting-room in the only hotel at a small seaside resort in - Essex. Old-fashioned Victorian furniture, producing a picturesque - general effect. Some modern touch, such as a framed coloured - advertisement of pneumatic tyres._ - - _Door_, R., _leading to hall, principal entrance, and kitchen. - Door_, L., _leading through a porch to the garden. A large - window, divided into three portions by stonework, at the back: - the panes are small; one of these portions is open, the others - are closed._ - - _Through the window can be seen a view of the garden, and the sea - in the distance. The fireplace is not seen._ - - CEDRIC _and_ FLORA _are seated at either side of a tea-table_. - - TIME: _Afternoon in June. Sunshine._ - - - FLORA. Another cup? (CEDRIC, _looking at her, makes no reply_.) - Cedric! Another cup? (_with a touch of very good-humoured - impatience_). - - (CEDRIC _rises, goes round the - table to her, takes hold of her, - and kisses her_.) - - CEDRIC. (_Standing over her, she looking up at him._) I've been - wanting to do that for about thirty solid minutes. - - FLORA. Then why didn't you, my poor boy? (CEDRIC _gives a gesture - to show that he doesn't know why_) ... Instead of keeping us both - waiting like that! (_Reflective._) And yet it's barely three - hours since you kissed me in the vestry! - - CEDRIC. Vestry be dashed! And here's another thing I've been - wanting to do (_he carefully kisses her ear_). - - FLORA. My ear! - - CEDRIC. Precisely, your ear! Strange!... And I can tell you - something even stranger. Shall I? (_She nods._) When I'm standing - over you I feel as if I should like to kill you! Yes, really, - Fluff! It takes me all of a sudden! You know--when you lean out - of a high balcony and you feel you must jump--well, it's that - sort of a feeling. - - FLORA. What particular _kind_ of homicide? - - CEDRIC. Oh! (_at a loss_) a kind of a fierce crushing. (_She - smiles._) You think it's justifiable? - - FLORA. I don't mind so long as I know my risks. - - CEDRIC. (_After staring at her, with a convinced air._) _We_ shall - get on together all right! - - FLORA. Yes, I think we're doing rather well so far, considering - (_turning the ring on his finger_). - - CEDRIC. Considering what? - - FLORA. Considering how nervous we both are, naturally (_drops his - hand_). - - CEDRIC. (_Moving away. Half to himself._) Yes, and we shall keep - getting more nervous! - - FLORA. (_Resuming exactly the same matter-of-fact tone as when she - first put the question._) Another cup? - - CEDRIC. (_Similar tone._) How many have I had? - - FLORA. I don't know, dear. - - CEDRIC. I've had enough, then. - - FLORA. Well, about our programme. Suppose we settle it a bit. - - CEDRIC. Yes, let's. (_Sits down._) - - FLORA. I do think it was a lovely idea to start off without any - programme at all! Heaven itself couldn't say where we shan't be - this time next week! - - CEDRIC. Well, subject to your approval, I don't mind informing - heaven that anyhow we shan't be here. - - FLORA. Tired of this place--already? - - CEDRIC. On the contrary! But it's too small to hold a couple that - have just walked out of a vestry. One hotel, one flagstaff, - one boat, one sea. No pier, no tea-shop, no concert, and very - probably no moon. - - FLORA. Extraordinary how even three hours of married life will - change a man! You always used to be rather keen on quietness, - solitude, old flannel suits, and so on. - - CEDRIC. Now look here, Fluff! This honeymoon programme is - important. Er--(_hesitates_). - - FLORA. (_Nods._) Let's talk as man to man. - - CEDRIC. The fact is I've always had a very distinct theory - about honeymoons. Far from the madding crowd is a mistake on - a honeymoon.... Solitude! Wherever you are, if you're on a - honeymoon, you'll get quite as much solitude as is good for you - every twenty-four hours. Constant change and distraction--that's - what wants arranging for. Solitude will arrange itself. - - FLORA. I didn't expect this from you, dear. - - CEDRIC. (_Hastily, apologetic._) Simply a theory! I've had no - practical experience, and I'm perfectly ready to sit at your feet - in the matter. Honestly, I don't care a straw. I may be wrong, - and if you---- - - FLORA. (_Solemnly._) You aren't wrong! You're quite fearfully right! - - CEDRIC. (_After staring at her with a convinced air._) We _shall_ - get on together--that's a bedrock certainty! Now this place ought - to be excellent for a beginning, but I should imagine that about - a couple of days of it would do us. - - FLORA. I never suspected--no, really, I never _did_ suspect--that - any man could have as much common-sense, _before_hand, as you - have, Cedric. Not to speak of courage! - - CEDRIC. Cheek, you mean. But then, of course, I _am_ supposed to - have a bit of nerve. Well, that's settled. We are to travel, then. - - FLORA. The point is, where? - - CEDRIC. Where would you like? - - FLORA. (_Radiantly._) _Any_where. - - CEDRIC. What about Paris? - - FLORA. Oh, not Paris. - - CEDRIC. Why not? - - FLORA. We should be simply mobbed. My dearest boy, have you ever - heard speak of the simplicity of genius? - - CEDRIC. I seem to have read about it somewhere, perhaps in the - ladies' papers. - - FLORA. Well, you won't understand it, because you've got - it--acutely. - - CEDRIC. And here all these years I've been taking myself for rather - a crafty person! - - FLORA. Do you know how many times I've counted your portrait in the - weeklies this year? One hundred and forty-six! And that's not - reckoning the pictures where your aeroplane's so high up that you - only look like a fly in a mouse-trap. - - CEDRIC. In my simple mind I'd always thought that the surest way - never to be recognised in the street was to have your portrait in - the papers. - - FLORA. And then there's your likeness to your mother! A hundred and - fifty-one thousand copies of your dear mother's last novel sold - up to yesterday--so I saw in the "Telegraph." And then her new - novel out to-day! - - CEDRIC. I'm not suggesting that we should camp out in Piccadilly - for our honeymoon, my dove and my love; I said Paris. - - FLORA. All London will be in Paris. - - CEDRIC. What--next week? - - FLORA. Every week. Excuse me asking a pointed question, dearest, - but have you ever been to Paris--I mean, since the flood? - - CEDRIC. Yes. My knowledge of the unwieldy goods department of the - big railway stations is probably matchless. - - FLORA. Well, if you'd stepped outside the stations you'd know that - Paris is now exclusively inhabited by nice respectable people - from London and nice respectable people from Arizona; and when - they aren't cricking their necks to look at aeroplanes, they're - improving their minds with your dear mother's latest novel. - - CEDRIC. (_Mock serious._) Will you believe me--I'd no notion of - this at all! - - FLORA. I tell you what--I wouldn't mind going to Paris under an - assumed name. - - CEDRIC. Oh, no! - - FLORA. Why not? It would be amusing. - - CEDRIC. I don't see myself travelling under a false name. I suppose - I am too English. - - FLORA. Well, I don't see myself in a Paris hotel as the bride of - the most celebrated English aviator, and the daughter-in-law - of the most celebrated English lady-novelist. I do not! (_With - a characteristic gesture._) Mobbed isn't the word for what we - should be. - - CEDRIC. (_Gazing at her._) You must have noticed that I'm not what - you'd call gushing. I've known myself go for a month without - using a single superlative; but really, my most dear girl, my - Fluffiest, when you strike an attitude like that, you're more - marvellously and ineffably adorable than ever. Your beauty, your - charm, your enormous slap-upness--(_changing his tone_)--Well, - ecstasy is not my line.... I only said Paris because the mater - asked me if I thought we should be going there, and I told her it - was possible. - - FLORA. Will _she_ be there? - - CEDRIC. No, no! Only, if we _should_ happen to go there, she wanted - me to count the panes of glass in a lamp-post on the Alexander - III. bridge. One of her realistic details, you know. I expect - she's got her hero staring absently up at that lamp-post--after - an indiscreet evening.... She may be depending on me. - - FLORA. But surely that isn't a reason why we should go to Paris! - Your dear mother might have wanted to know the number of ribs in - the umbrella of the King of Siam--should we have had to book to - Bangkok? - - CEDRIC. I was only---- - - FLORA. Husband, I must tell you something about your mother. I've - kept it a secret from you. Do you know what made her give up her - terrific scheme of our being married in the cathedral by the - Bishop, surrounded by the press of Europe? - - CEDRIC. I thought our angel-tongues persuaded her out of it. - - FLORA. Not at all. A threat did it. I dropped in on her one day for - a little private chat while you were at Blackpool. She was just - going to arrange with the Bishop. I told her confidentially--but - of course _nicely_--that if she wouldn't agree to us being - married by a curate at Chelmsford, with nobody but her and your - father and Charlie present, and nothing whatever in the papers - for at least a fortnight, then I should insist on being married - at a registry office. - - CEDRIC. The deuce you did! What did she say? - - FLORA. She merely said: "Of course your wish is our law, Mrs. - Lloyd." But the next day she was calling me "Flora" again. - - CEDRIC. The mater folded up like that? - - FLORA. There! (_Laughing._) Listen to your own tone, dearest. - Naturally she folded up. She only needs proper treatment. - - CEDRIC. Well, I had a bit of a stir with her when I decided to give - up my amateur status; but I must say as a rule I get on very well - with the mater. - - FLORA. So do I. It's because I get on so well with her that we had - a curate to-day instead of the Bishop. Rather a jolly curate, - didn't you think? - - CEDRIC. Struck me as a queer lot. - - FLORA. Of course they're all queer. I liked him because when he - asked me to sign my name he didn't say (_imitating the snigger of - a curate_) "for the last time." They always do, you know. It's - almost part of the service, for them. And if he had said it, I do - believe I should have screamed. - - CEDRIC. I say, Fluff, why after hiding this secret for several - weeks--it's practically a double life that you've been - leading--why do you reveal it just at this particular moment? - - FLORA. Oh--sheer caprice, my dearest! It just popped into my head. - - CEDRIC. (_Somewhat troubled and awkward._) So your notion is that - the mater's moral empire over her family and the British public - might be checked without grave loss of life, eh? - - FLORA. Cedric! (CEDRIC _looks at her, arrested and questioning_.) - What's the rarest thing in the world? Quick? - - CEDRIC. Common-sense, of course. - - FLORA. Oh! Good! I was afraid you might say a well-cooked potato. - - CEDRIC. You ought to know me better than that. - - FLORA. But, Cedric, it's only now that we're beginning to make each - other's acquaintance. - - CEDRIC. That's true! But how did _you_ know that common-sense is - the rarest thing in the world? - - FLORA. Because I've got so very little of it myself. But even a - very little will go a long way. Now, have I told you that our - marriage isn't going to be like ordinary marriages--I mean, - really? - - CEDRIC. Well, you haven't exactly told me, but you've allowed me to - suspect the fact. - - FLORA. Most marriages, and especially most honeymoons, are - third-rate simply because the people concerned in them don't - bring their bit of common-sense to bear on the problems that are - (_mock platform manner_)--er--continually arising. (_Laughing._) - I intend to keep my bit of common-sense healthy by constant - exercise. Common-sense, steadily applied, will solve any problem. - - CEDRIC. (_Emphatically._) Any! (_After a pause._) Always - provided---- - - FLORA. (_Surprised._) Always provided? - - CEDRIC. My dear, in this outpouring of wisdom I, too, must have my - share. Common-sense will solve any problem--any!--always provided - it is employed simultaneously with politeness. During a long - and varied career as a bachelor, dear spouse (_mock platform - manner_), I have noticed that marriage is usually the death of - politeness between a man and a woman. I have noticed that the - stronger the passion the weaker the manners. Now, my theory is - that politeness, instead of decreasing with intimacy--should - increase! And when I say "politeness" I mean common, superficial - politeness. I don't mean the deep-down sort of thing that you can - only detect with a divining-rod.... Pardon, you were saying? - - FLORA. Cedric! (_Impulsively rushes to him and kisses him._) How - _right_ you are! It's exactly what I've been thinking for years. - Now, as to common-sense and the programme. It would be against - common-sense for us to begin by annoying your mother. If you - really do think your mother would be in the least upset by our - not going to Paris, naturally I shall be delighted to go. We - could stop just long enough to inspect the lamp-post--and then - off again. - - CEDRIC. Oh, no! Oh, no! Of course she won't be upset! - - FLORA. That's settled, then. Do you know I've had the tiniest - idea of going to Ostend, and then taking the Orient express to - Buda-Pesth? I'm dying to see Hungary, simply dying. - - CEDRIC. My dearest, your life shall be saved regardless of cost. - - FLORA. I do want an expensive honeymoon. Not because I'm - extravagant, but because a honeymoon is a solemn, important thing. - - CEDRIC. A symbol. - - FLORA. A symbol. And it ought to be done--well, adequately. - - CEDRIC. Nineteen thousand pounds odd of mine is now on deposit - at my bank--all honestly taken by me out of the pockets of - ratepayers of various important towns in less than a year. And - when that's gone I can always get more at about the same rate, as - you know. - - FLORA. Cedric! There is to be no flying during our honeymoon? - - CEDRIC. Certainly not! - - FLORA. And it is to last a full month, naturally. - - CEDRIC. A full calendar month--with no address for letters. - - FLORA. (_Sigh of ecstatic anticipation._) Two or three days, you - said, here? - - CEDRIC. Yes, don't you think it's enough? - - FLORA. Oh! quite. We shall be gone before anybody's had time to - guess--(_breaking off_). Dearest, don't you think we came into - the hotel rather well? - - CEDRIC. Fine. No one could suspect that we hadn't been _born_ - married. I was proud of both of us. - - (_Enter_ GASTON, R.) - - GASTON. Shall I clear the table? (_Beginning to do so before - receiving permission._) - - FLORA. Yes. (FLORA _and_ CEDRIC _rise_.) - - GASTON. (_With a cheerful air, quite unconscious of his impudent - manner._) I suppose you stay here long time? - - FLORA. (_Determined to snub the waiter._) Really! - - CEDRIC. Why? - - GASTON. Oh! honeymoon. Dull place. Fresh married English people - demand generally dull place. - - (FLORA _collapses and exit - hurriedly into the garden_, L. - CEDRIC, _with more leisurely - dignity, lights a cigarette and - is about to follow her when he - stops and turns_.) - - CEDRIC. By the way, I don't think we _shall_ stay long. - - GASTON. (_After looking at_ FLORA _in the garden, impartially and - cheerfully_.) It is strange how English people have shame of - being married. One would say it was a crime in England. A young - man and young lady in English hotel--they like better that one - should think they not married. It is different in Switzerland. In - Switzerland we are proud. We tell all the world. Why not? - - CEDRIC. So you come from Switzerland? - - GASTON. Oh, yes. I am not English (_eagerly._) Geneva. My father is - a _fabricant_, a---- - - CEDRIC. Manufacturer. - - GASTON. Yes, manufacturer of door-mats. My father makes door-mats - for all the hotels in Switzerland. Very big! Very important! - He says--I must go into the hotel business. He will buy me a - hotel. I learn everything. We do that in Switzerland. We are - _scientifique_. I have been in the kitchens. Now I am waiter. No - shame. Nobody could guess I am a gentleman. - - CEDRIC. You mustn't be too hard on yourself, my friend. And so - you've come to England? - - GASTON. My father says, Go to England. Study the English - _caractère_ in England. Very valuable. When I come to London I - could not speak English--no! - - CEDRIC. When was that? Last week? - - GASTON. No. It is a year, nearly. But I had at once a situation, - the first day, at the Grand Babylon Hotel. - - CEDRIC. Rather awkward, wasn't it, not knowing English? - - GASTON. Yes. That fatigues one--to hear a strange language all the - day. - - CEDRIC. I meant for the customers. - - GASTON. (_Nonchalant gesture._) They are now well habituated. Many - of them learn French or German, it saves time. English people are - so practical. They are not _logique_, but they are practical. Now - to-day I speak German, Italian, as perfectly as English. - - CEDRIC. Remarkable! But surely a man of your enormous ability - is wasted in a sleepy place like this.... Perhaps you find it - amusing, though. - - GASTON. (_Shakes his head. Passionately._) Dull! It is for my - health that I am here. Sleepy! Ah, my God! (_Disdainfully._) But - all England sleeps.... But next month I go to Germany. I shall - have done England. - - CEDRIC. You like Germany. - - GASTON. Ah! What a country! What organisation! What science! Never - sleeps! Always conquers! (_Patronisingly._) Do you think in - _your_ business the Germans will not conquer, at the end? - - CEDRIC. My business? - - GASTON. Yes. Aeroplanes. - - CEDRIC. So you know that? - - GASTON. I know everything.... Look at anileen! - - CEDRIC. Anileen? - - GASTON. Yes. Anileen--colours. - - CEDRIC. Ah! You mean aniline dyes. - - GASTON. Yes, I said so. - - CEDRIC. What about them? - - GASTON. What about them? England invented them. Germany has taken - them from you--all. That is science. All German now. So with - aeroplanes. England and France--proud, very proud. But at the - end, you will see ... at the end. - - CEDRIC. Oh! - - GASTON. And soon. - - CEDRIC. I say, if it isn't a rude question, how _did_ you guess - that we were--er--on our honeymoon? It might be useful for me to - know. - - GASTON. Ah, now--again! I read, I study. I alone in this sleepy - place. By example, no afternoon newspapers--none--came into - this place till I ordered one at the railway. I insisted. "The - Piccadilly Gazette"--you know--Thackeray--"written by gentlemen - for gentlemen." I read it every day. Ah! And is it not afraid of - Germany! - - CEDRIC. Do you mean there's something about my marriage in the - "Piccadilly Gazette"? - - GASTON. Yes. Do you want to read it? - - CEDRIC. Well, I should rather like to see it, if I'm not - interfering with your studies. - - GASTON. (_Taking paper out of his pocket._) There! (_Stands waiting - in a suggestive attitude._) - - CEDRIC. (_Accepting paper._) Thanks! (_Looks at him and gives him a - tip._) - - GASTON. (_Pocketing the coin._) Thanks!... And you will see about - Klopstock too. (_Picking up tray._) - - CEDRIC. What about Klopstock? - - GASTON. He comes to England soon as he has flyed at Breslau. Ah! - You will see! (_Exit_ R. _with tray_.) - - (CEDRIC _sits down with paper, and - begins to read_.) - - CEDRIC. (_Quietly._) Oh! - - (_He drops the end of his cigarette - into a flower-pot; then takes - a cigar from his case, cuts - it, puts it in his mouth, and - produces a matchbox, but does not - light it._) - - CEDRIC. Oh, indeed! - - (_He goes to the window, and taps - on one of the closed panes. After - a moment_ FLORA _appears at the - open part of the window_. CEDRIC, - _with a motion of the hand, - indicates that he wishes her to - enter_.) - - FLORA. (_Off, in a conspiratorial whisper._) Has the reader of - hearts quite gone? (CEDRIC _nods_.) Come out. (CEDRIC _beckons - her inwards with his finger_.) - - (_Enter_ FLORA, L.) - - FLORA. Oh, Cedric! What a blow! We're the honeymoon couple now of - Pixton-on-Sea. How did he guess? - - CEDRIC. (_Scarcely listening to her._) Fluff, read this (_hands her - paper with his finger on a particular paragraph_). Top of second - column. - - FLORA. (_Reads._) "We are informed that Mr. Cedric Haslam, the - celebrated aviator (CEDRIC _shows surprise_) was married - privately this morning at Chelmsford to Mrs. Flora Lloyd, widow - of the late Mr. Artemus Lloyd, stockbroker, who at one time was - a well-known figure in the Kaffir Circus. Mr. and Mrs. Reach - Haslam, the bridegroom's parents, and his brother, Mr. Charles - Haslam, were present. The happy pair are spending the first part - of the honeymoon at Pixton-on-Sea. By a curious coincidence, Mrs. - Reach Haslam's new novel, 'The Wiving of the Chancellor,' appears - on the very day of the marriage of her eldest son." (_Shaking her - head._) Only one thing is possible. Flight. Immediate flight! And - plenty of it! Cedric, I suppose this is your dear mother's doing? - - CEDRIC. I should doubt it. More probably some accidental leakage. - She hates the very thought of self-advertisement. - - FLORA. Oh! I _know_. But I've always noticed she's somewhat unlucky - in the matter of leakages. Your father ought to study plumbing. - - CEDRIC. (_Slightly impatient._) That's nothing. That's not what I - wanted you to read. I hadn't even noticed that. Look! (_Pointing - to a paragraph._) - - FLORA. "Dissensions in the Cabinet. Extraordinary rumours." - - CEDRIC. No, no. (_Takes the paper and reads._) "The German - Invasion. To-morrow, upon the conclusion of the Breslau meeting, - Herr Klopstock will pack up his victorious new mono-plane - and start for England. He announces his intention of trying - within three weeks for the ten thousand pounds prize recently - offered by the Aero Club to the first aviator who flies over - Snowdon. Herr Klopstock, who has already, we understand, taken - the whole of a hotel at Beddgelert for the accommodation of - his staff, is convinced that his machine will rise easily to - at least four thousand feet. The Kaiser has just christened - the aeroplane the Black Eagle, by telegraph, and has assured - the renowned aviator and ex-professor of the heartiest good - wishes of himself and his house. His youngest grandchild, - Prince--um--um--Fatherland--um--The news will certainly create a - considerable sensation in England as it has done in Germany." I - should say it would. - - FLORA. Why should it? - - CEDRIC. What! The Kaiser's Black Eagle flying over the highest - mountain in England, and getting ten thousand pounds for the job! - It's unthinkable! How does it strike you? - - FLORA. It strikes me that it would have been much simpler and less - expensive not to have offered the ten thousand pounds. It's - altogether too tempting. Besides, it seems to me anybody ought to - be able to fly over a little thing like Snowdon, seeing how they - sail over the Pyrenees and all that sort of thing. - - CEDRIC. My adorable child, don't talk like a member of the public. - Henceforth you are in the know. The fogs alone make Snowdon - worse than the Pyrenees. And then the Aero Club has been clever - enough to ordain that the aviator is to start and land within - four miles of the summit. How is a man to get off on such - ground, and where is he to land without breaking wood? And then - the business of finding his way! He's bound to do a lot of - corkscrewing to get up, and nothing less than six thousand feet - would be safe. - - FLORA. (_With a gesture dismissing all that._) Well, I don't think - it's quite nice of Mr. Klopstock. It ought to have occurred - to him. But then, it never does seem to occur to Germans.... - I've often noticed that in hotels. They don't seem to perceive. - (_Different tone._) Will he succeed? - - CEDRIC. He _might_. I don't think he would; not with his present - horse-power; but he just might. - - FLORA. Well, most probably he won't. And then you can try in July - as you originally intended, and get the money after all. Then - there will have been some _sense_ in the prize, anyway. - - CEDRIC. It isn't the money. - - FLORA. Surely it isn't the mountain? - - CEDRIC. (_Following his own thought._) We've got to come out on top - in this business. I must get to business in the middle of next - week. It'll take a day to modify those wingtips, and another to - tune her up. Oh! I shall be ready long before he is. But I'll - give him a chance to get nicely installed in his hotel. I should - like Herr Klopstock and his crew to admire the beautiful scenery. - - FLORA. (_Casually._) You must be at the works next week? - - CEDRIC. It's me or nobody! No use trying to disguise that fact, - Fluff! - - FLORA. Perhaps in the heat of the moment you've forgotten that you - happened to get married this morning, Cedric. - - CEDRIC. I wish we hadn't happened to get married this morning. - (_She looks at him._) I mean, I wish we'd happened to get married - a week ago. Frantic nuisance! However, there you are! It simply - means we shall be fixed up a bit sooner in the flat---- - - FLORA. But the flat won't be anything like ready by next week. - - CEDRIC. Never mind, we'll sleep at the Grand Babylon, or in - the backyard. (_A little pause._) Of course as a nuisance it - completely baffles description.... To-day of all days.... - However, Fluff, as I said before with profound truth--there you - are! It would never do in this world to give the German lot - even a chance. The thing's too spectacular--altogether too - spectacular. If it was a question of beating us quietly and for - ever in technics or manufacture, the B.P. wouldn't think twice - about it; but Snowdon is Snowdon, and a black eagle is a black - eagle, and (_comically_) in short, madam, England will turn to - your husband in its hour of peril. In other words, Fluff, it's up - to me. - - FLORA. (_Lightly._) I say, Cedric. - - CEDRIC. Well? - - FLORA. I thought we were agreed about a full calendar month. - - CEDRIC. (_After a pause; as lightly as possible._) Do you mean you - think I ought to let Snowdon slide? Do you really---- - - FLORA. Yes, of course. Don't you? - - CEDRIC. You aren't serious? - - FLORA. (_Persuasively._) My dearest boy, is there any reason why I - shouldn't differ from you and yet be serious? - - CEDRIC. No, of course not. But in a case like this--if there - was anybody else to take my place, I wouldn't mind. Of course - Smith-James could do it if only he would use our machine--but he - won't. Nothing would induce him to. So as I keep on saying--there - you are! - - FLORA. But what does it matter? Is it because the other man's - machine has been called the Black Eagle in a telegram that - you---- - - CEDRIC. Yes, partly. - - FLORA. Oh! So that if this canvas-backed duck flies first over a - lump of mud called Snowdon---- - - CEDRIC. But don't I tell you Snowdon is the highest mountain in - England? - - FLORA. No, it isn't. - - CEDRIC. Pardon me. Three thousand five hundred and seventy feet. - The next highest is---- - - FLORA. Well, you go and tell Lloyd George that Snowdon is the - highest mountain in England, and see what you'll get. - - CEDRIC. Wales, then. It's all the same. - - FLORA. (_With great charm._) If you're thinking of the ten thousand - pounds, I don't mind informing you, as a great secret, that I - wouldn't sell a single day of my honeymoon with you for ten - times ten thousand pounds. But I told you I wanted an expensive - honeymoon, didn't I? - - CEDRIC. (_Shaking his head and with calm certainty._) The money - doesn't influence me that much! (_Snaps his fingers._) I don't - wish to flatter myself, but I think I could light your cigarette - with a bank note as gracefully as anybody. No---- - - FLORA. You're pulling away at that cigar of yours, but I suppose - you know it isn't lighted. - - CEDRIC. Isn't it? (_As he lights the cigar._) No! This Snowdon - business. Well, it's a symbol (_half to himself_). I wonder how - I can make you understand that. - - FLORA. (_Fascinatingly._) Oh! Force is unnecessary, I understand - that. But who was it said just now that the honeymoon was a - symbol? It stands for all our married life. It's the most - exciting and interesting time we shall ever have. And you can't - put a honeymoon off, you know. It isn't like a box of cigars that - you can keep in a cupboard and enjoy one of them every now and - then when you've got a few minutes to spare. It must happen now - or never. You can't postpone it. You can only kill it. (_Smiles - lightly._) - - CEDRIC. (_Taking hold of her, in a caressing tone._) She's tragic! - - FLORA. (_Disengaging herself._) Oh, no! - - CEDRIC. Now just listen to me, Fluff. I'm really thinking at least - as much of you as of myself. This affair is bound to have an - influence on my career. - - FLORA. And what about its influence on mine? - - CEDRIC. Same thing. I suppose our interests are identical. - - FLORA. My poor simple boy, do you really believe that? - - CEDRIC. Well, dash it, aren't you my wife? - - FLORA. So far as I'm concerned, it would be more correct to say - that you're my husband. In fact, you've got a career as my - husband. - - CEDRIC. (_Anxious to be fair._) Certainly. And you as my wife. - But---- - - FLORA. One second, dearest. You're unique as an aviator, aren't you? - - CEDRIC. (_Conventionally modest._) Oh--well---- - - FLORA. Now. Man to man. Give your modesty a rest. Really, don't you - consider you've proved yourself unique in your line? - - CEDRIC. (_Hesitatingly, chivalrously._) I suppose I'm just about as - unique in my line as you are in yours, my dear. - - FLORA. Now that's very nice of you. - - CEDRIC. Not at all. - - FLORA. Yes, it is, because it's exactly what I wanted you to say. - You've often said that I'm unique, and I just wanted you to say - it again at this identical particular instant. Of course I could - have reminded you of it, but that wouldn't have been quite so - effective. That's why it's very nice of you. - - CEDRIC. So you are unique--I'll say it as often as you like. - - FLORA. I warn you, you're giving yourself away. - - CEDRIC. Delighted! - - FLORA. I wouldn't care to repeat all the lovely adjectives you've - used about me. If you weren't such a determined enemy of gush and - superlatives--people might suspect that sometimes you exaggerated - the tiniest bit when you talked about me, _to_ me. But of course - _I_ know you never do exaggerate, at any rate consciously, and - _you_ know you're a very good judge. - - CEDRIC. What of? - - FLORA. Us!... Now look here, Cedric, don't you think it would be - a pity to stop this creature, who is so unique in her line, - from giving a full exhibition of her unique powers at a unique - moment; at the very height of her career. You know, she'll never - have another opportunity like this of proving that she really is - unique in her line. - - CEDRIC. What do you call her line? Let's be clear. - - FLORA. (_Quietly, off-handedly, after a pause._) To charm. Merely - that. - - CEDRIC. By God! She can do that. But (_winningly, but half to - himself_), I hardly know how to put it. - - FLORA. I think you do, dearest; but you're so nice, you don't like - to. You wanted to make a comparison between the importance of - your line and the importance of mine. I admit all that. I'm quite - humble. I fully admit that if Hyde Park were full of aviators - and Battersea Park were full of charming young women, rather - pretty and--er--chic--(_gesture to show off her frock_)--I fully - admit that not a man among you would ever _dream_--of crossing - the river. I fully admit that if every aviator in Europe gave - up business to-morrow the entire world would go into mourning, - whereas if all the charming women retired from business they'd - never be missed. Still---- - - CEDRIC. (_Appreciative._) You're a witty girl---- - - FLORA. We're both rather witty, aren't we, at times? - - CEDRIC. But the fact is I wasn't going to make any comparison at - all between our respective lines. I was only going to point out - that you can keep on being charming all the time. You're always - charming; you're always doing _your_ line. Whereas for my line I - have to choose times and seasons--or rather I don't choose 'em, - they're chosen for me, as, for instance, just now. Wherever we - are, honeymoon or no honeymoon, you're--well, you're giving an - exhibition flight. - - FLORA. Now, Cedric, your good nature's getting the better of your - sincerity. I'm not always charming. Ask your dear mother. And - have you forgotten our historic shindy about the length of your - moustache scarcely three months ago? I'm _not_ always charming. - And I don't _want_ to be always charming. Who would? As for - exhibition flights, you've never seen me give one. You think you - have, but what you've seen up to now is nothing. I don't mind - telling you that I had arranged a rather sensational exhibition - flight for the next month. It would last just thirty-one days. I - don't mind telling you that I've thought a good deal about it, - and made all my elaborate preparations. It really would be a pity - to interfere with it. And you know it can't be postponed. I don't - choose time and season any more than you do. - - CEDRIC. But surely, Fluff, this flight can proceed, as I say, - wherever we are? - - FLORA. You think so? And what about my grandstand? - - CEDRIC. I shall always be your grandstand. - - FLORA. Shall you? I can only do my best when I've got the undivided - attention of my audience. I hope I should never come _quite_ to - earth, but I don't see myself being unique in my line for the - benefit of a man who is busy (_with the faintest touch of irony - in her tone_) counting the misfires in his motor, or dreaming - about the barometer. - - CEDRIC. Naturally, if you don't see the importance of this Snowdon - business to us---- - - FLORA. (_Consciously very charming again._) But I do see it - perfectly well. A woman unique in her own line is not necessarily - a gaping idiot in every other line. I admit the immense - importance of Snowdon to us. I won't argue. In my time I've been - told that I was too well-dressed to be able to argue. I simply - want to ask you this--what, for you, is the _most_ important - thing in life? Now, let's be straight. Have you married as a - supreme end, or is your supreme end to move yourself about in the - air without visible means of support? Now (_smiling_), look me in - the face, and be a man. - - CEDRIC. You're putting very fundamental questions. - - FLORA. Is marriage a relaxation from flying, or do you fly in order - to have the means for practising the whole art of marriage under - favourable conditions? Do you live most intensely when you're - battling with the breeze, or when you're (_dropping her voice_) - with me? I only want to know. Because if you live most intensely - when you're with me, this honeymoon should be worth more to us - than forty Snowdons. - - CEDRIC. (_A little coldly._) Say no more, Snowdon is chucked. Of - course, my position is impossible. You have only to insist. - - FLORA. (_Losing her self-control._) Insist? Insist that you neglect - an aeroplane so that you can stay with me? My dear boy, I'm - incapable of taking such a mean advantage of an aeroplane. An - aeroplane can't insist. And I can assure you I shan't. - - CEDRIC. Do you know that you're scarcely logical? - - FLORA. Not logical? In not insisting? - - CEDRIC. (_Somewhat at a loss._) I mean generally. For instance, - when we began, your first argument was that we couldn't shorten - the honeymoon because the flat wouldn't be ready. - - FLORA. One can't think of everything at once. You mustn't forget - I've never been called to the bar. If I'd known what was coming, - no doubt I should have prepared my case and had it typewritten, - and sent copies to the press.... And then what about your being - illogical? - - CEDRIC. Me? - - FLORA. Yes. When I ask you for a straight answer you protest that - I'm putting very fundamental questions. Did you expect me to put - shallow questions? Did you expect me to enquire whether you'd - used Pears' soap? - - CEDRIC. Now look here, Fluffiest---- - - FLORA. (_Angry._) Cedric, I wish you wouldn't call me that. You've - only started it since we were married. I can stand Fluff, but I - don't like Fluffy, and my objection to Fluffiest is intense. - - CEDRIC. I beg your pardon. - - FLORA. (_Recovering herself sweetly._) It's I who beg yours. For - the moment I was forgetting that "common superficial politeness" - that you ranked with common-sense. - - CEDRIC. My dear child, everything's all right. The honeymoon shall - not be shortened by a single day. Everything's absolutely all - right. - - FLORA. (_Shakes her head._) It isn't. You're only giving way to - please me. - - CEDRIC. Well, really---- (_laughing_). - - FLORA. Cedric. Honestly. Yes or no. Do you think I ought to yield - to the aeroplane? - - CEDRIC. (_They look at each other._) I think you oughtn't to ask - quite such questions? - - FLORA. (_Agreeing._) No. Such questions ought to be asked earlier. - But human nature is so--human, that probably it wouldn't be any - use asking them any earlier. They might even be considered rude. - In fact, it _is_ considered rude for _fiancés_ to worry each - other with any questions that really matter. (_Pause. In a vague - voice._) Whether you prefer a flat or a house, and the colour of - the drawing-room chairs--that's about as far as you are supposed - to go. (_Another pause._) Well? - - CEDRIC. (_Approaching her._) What? - - FLORA. Do you think I ought to yield to the aeroplane? - - CEDRIC. (_Stands still, very firmly._) My dear girl, if you ask me - to be straight, I think the Snowdon business isn't a thing to be - neglected. (_Pause at high tension._) - - FLORA. (_Plaintively._) Common-sense doesn't seem to be such a - wonderful cure for difficulties after all. (_Fiercely._) Oh! If - I had faith, wouldn't I just move that mountain into the sea! - (_Gives a sob._) - - CEDRIC. Flora, what can I say? - - FLORA. (_Controlling herself._) There's nothing else to be said--by - either of us. It's--it's hopeless. - - (_Enter_ CHARLES HASLAM, R., - _cautiously. He is in motoring - attire._) - - CHARLES. (_At the door, to someone outside._) It's all right. We've - caught 'em (_within the room_). - - CEDRIC. (_Extremely puzzled; frowning._) Hello! - - CHARLES. Hello!... Flora, what's the matter? - - FLORA. (_Collecting herself; ironically._) Oh, nothing! nothing! - This is a nice kind idea of yours, to come and relieve our - solitude, but did you expect us not to be startled? - - (_Enter_ MR. REACH HASLAM.) - - CEDRIC. Hello. (MR. REACH HASLAM _gives a deprecating gesture_.) - - MR. R. HASLAM. My dear Flora! - - (_Enter_ MRS. REACH HASLAM.) - - CEDRIC. Any more? - - (_Enter_ GASTON.) - - FLORA. Well, this _is_ a pleasure. Unusual perhaps---- - - MRS. REACH HASLAM. My dear son, my dear Flora---- (_Turns to_ _Mr. - Reach Haslam_.) Father---- (_Stops._) - - MR. REACH HASLAM. (_To_ GASTON, _who is hovering inquisitively - about_.) If there is the slightest doubt in your mind as to the - exact geographical situation of the door---- - - GASTON. Please? (_Meaning "I beg your pardon, I didn't catch what - you said!"_) - - (MR. REACH HASLAM _goes to door_, - R., _and signals to_ GASTON _to - depart. Exit_ GASTON. MR. REACH - HASLAM _closes door_.) - - CEDRIC. (_Aside to_ CHARLES.) What the hell's up? - - CHARLES. (_Loudly._) Well, Rick---- - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Charles, what did I tell you before you came in? - I'll thank you to go and sit down over there. (CHARLES _obeys_.) - - FLORA. Suppose we all sit down, shall we? Well, what _did_ you tell - him before he came in? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Sits._) Believe me, Flora, I never felt so - unequal to a situation in my life. - - CEDRIC. Look here, dad, do you mind telling me in one word what - this is all about? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Yes, your father will tell you. The circumstances - are exceedingly difficult--in fact, painful. But they have to be - faced, and faced with dignity. The various necessary steps must - be taken, in their proper order, very carefully. The first step - is to inform you and Flora of the facts. Your father will inform - you; as the head of the family, and the fount of authority, the - statement comes more properly from him. I decided that absolutely - as we motored down. (_To_ MR. REACH HASLAM.) Dear---- - - MR. R. HASLAM. Yes, dear. (_To_ CEDRIC _and_ FLORA.) You know we - went straight back to town when you'd left the church. As soon as - we had---- - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Interrupting, to_ CEDRIC _and_ FLORA.) You - needn't be alarmed. As I said, the circumstances are painful, but - once faced as we shall face them, they really amount to nothing. - The principal thing was to catch you in time. Thank heaven, we've - done that! - - CHARLES. Thank my masterly and audacious driving! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Staring him down._) If we had failed! (_Gesture - of despair to_ MR. REACH HASLAM.) Dear---- - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_Nodding to her politely._) As soon as we had - finished lunch your mother set herself to work, her work being - very much behind---- - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Never mind all that. Do it as gently as you can, - but come to the point at once. I am quite sure that is best. - - MR. R. HASLAM. The telephone? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. The telephone. - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_Nodding to her politely._) We were rung up on - the telephone. Your mother was walking about in meditation, - and as she was nearest to the telephone she answered it. She - then said to me, "It's the Bishop of Chelmsford." I was at the - desk. In another moment she asked me to come to the telephone - and listen for myself as she could scarcely believe her ears. - I did so, and the Bishop--he was telephoning from the Palace - at Chelmsford--repeated at my request what he had said to your - mother, namely, that that curate who--er--officiated this - morning, suddenly awakened to a sense of beauty---- - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Sense of duty. - - MR. R. HASLAM. I quite understood "beauty." It's true the Bishop - hasn't got a good telephone voice--probably more impressive at a - confirmation than on the telephone. I heard "beauty." However---- - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Sense of duty. - - MR. R. HASLAM. No doubt you are right. I seemed to gather that it - was Flora's beauty that had roused his conscience. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Oh, no! - - FLORA. That had what? - - CHARLES. (_Coming towards the group, unable to control his - impatience._) Oh, hang it! The curate was a sham curate--not a - curate at all. - - CEDRIC. (_Taking it in._) A sham curate! - - FLORA. But surely such things don't happen? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. That's what many people said when I made a - shopwalker successfully personate an archdeacon in "The Woman of - Kent." Everyone said so until Mr. Gladstone wrote that he found - the episode quite convincing. You remember, dear? - - MR. R. HASLAM. Vividly. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. I assure you it happens quite frequently that from - one cause or another people who think they are married are not - married. Why, sometimes special Acts of Parliament have to be - passed in order to set things right--when they've gone altogether - too far. I well recall that when I studied this subject, as of - course I did, coming across a case in which, owing to a church - having been consecrated very carelessly, a lady who supposed - herself to be the legitimate mother of sixteen children--poor - thing---- - - FLORA. (_Interrupting._) But do you mean to say we aren't married? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Well, of course, I want to put it as gently as - possible, but the fact is---- (_looking at her husband_). - - MR. R. HASLAM. It would be an exaggeration to say that you are - married. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. If my idea had been accepted of having the Bishop - to officiate--and he would have been only too enchanted--in the - cathedral, this dreadful thing could not have occurred. No case - of personating a bishop has ever been known. - - CEDRIC. But what are we to do? - - CHARLES. (_Airily._) Well, you must make the best of it. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Outraged._) Certainly not, Charles, you are - astounding. It would have looked better of you if you had - remained outside in charge of the car. Make the best of it, - indeed! (_To_ MR. REACH HASLAM.) Father---- - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_To_ CEDRIC.) For the moment a policy of masterly - inactivity seems to be indicated. - - (CURTAIN.) - - - - - NOTES ON CHARACTERS IN ACT II - - - THE BISHOP OF CHELMSFORD. Celibate. The typical Bishop who, while - the bent of his mind is reactionary, convinces himself that he - is exceedingly modern, and moving with the rapid times. No real - intellectual quality, but energetic and self-adaptive. - - MR. FRAMPINGTON. A bland young man, with perfect manners and - perfect sangfroid. A single-minded person of immense intellectual - and spiritual originality. To himself he does not seem at all - peculiar, but merely natural. - - CUTHBERT. Just a plain modern butler. I particularly do not want - this trifling part to be embroidered by the conventional butler - "business." If any genuine realistic butler "business" can be - brought into it, well and good. - - - - - ACT II. - - MRS. REACH HASLAM'S _study. A large apartment, richly and suitably - furnished. The retreat of one of the most successful, most - wealthy, and most majestic novelists in the world. Large and - splendid desk (for two people, sitting opposite each other) about - the middle of the room. Door back leading to hall, etc. Door_, - L., _leading to drawing-room. Down stage, left, a sofa, which is - partly hidden by a screen from the view of anyone entering by - door_, L. _Date calendar on desk. Telephone._ - - _All the_ HASLAMS _except_ CHARLES _are in evening dress_. FLORA - _is elaborately attired, with a light Egyptian shawl on her - shoulders, and a fan._ - - TIME: _Same evening. Immediately after dinner._ - - - _The_ BISHOP _is waiting, alone. Enter to him, from door back_, - MRS. REACH HASLAM _followed by_ MR. REACH HASLAM. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_As she enters._) Ah! Bishop. How good of you! - (_Shakes hands._) - - BISHOP. (_Shaking hands with_ _Mr. Reach Haslam_.) My dear Mrs. - Reach Haslam. Not at all! I blush for my diocese--that such a - deplorable and distressing accident should have occurred in it. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Then it really is true? - - BISHOP. But I told you on the telephone. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. I know, I know! I was only hoping against hope that - perhaps after all you might have found that the marriage was - legal. - - BISHOP. (_Shaking his head._) No. His late father was undoubtedly - in orders, his late brother also. But he himself was no more - ordained than you are. (_To_ MR. REACH HASLAM, _who recoils_.) He - presumed on his relationships.... In fact, his sole qualification - seems to have been two old suits of his brother's. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Well, after all, it is perhaps better so. - - BISHOP. Better, dear lady? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. I mean that you have _not_ brought good news at the - eleventh hour. Really---- (_Looking at_ MR. REACH HASLAM.) - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_To whom the_ BISHOP, _puzzled, turns for an - explanation_.) My wife, with her novelist's instinct, perceives - the situation that would be created if we had to go into the - drawing-room now and say to them suddenly, "Well, you are - married, after all." - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Excessively delicate. They would naturally have to - leave the house at once. - - BISHOP. Quite so. I cannot tell you how relieved I was to get your - wire saying that you had overtaken them in time. Young people - make such a mystery of the honeymoon nowadays that often they - don't even leave a postal address. A dangerous innovation! - - MR. R. HASLAM. Evidently. - - BISHOP. I gather that you have brought them both here, poor things! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. It seemed the wisest course. I consulted my - husband, and he quite agreed with me that in view of the unusual - circumstances we ought to act with the greatest prudence--for - _their_ sakes! And so we motored quietly back to town and got - here just in time for dinner. My son drove. I sat by his side. - There wasn't room for their heavy luggage, and so Charlie is - bringing that up by train. Charles is my other son.... (_Sighs._) - And here we are! - - BISHOP. Admirable! It's a case of---- - - MR. R. HASLAM. As you were. - - BISHOP. Just so! Really a terrible blow to them--must have been! - And to you, and to you! An appalling shock! How have they borne - it? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Well--(_turning to_ MR. R. HASLAM). Father, how - should you say they have borne it? - - MR. R. HASLAM. Grimly. That is--on the grim side. - - BISHOP. Ah! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Of course, my Lord, we are taking it for granted - that the matter can be put right to-morrow, without fail, and - beyond question. I have tried to comfort them with that absolute - assurance. - - BISHOP. My dear lady. Without fail! At any hour! _any_ hour ... up - to three o'clock. That is why I have come specially to town--to - convince you by my presence of my horror at the--er--crime, my - sympathy with its innocent victims, and my utter determination - that the ceremony shall be performed again to-morrow morning - under my personal supervision and guarantee. I feel that I cannot - do too much. - - (_During the last words enter_ - CUTHBERT, _back, with salver - of letters and press cuttings, - followed by parlour-maid with a - tray of newspaper packets_.) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Will you excuse my husband while he deals with the - post? - - BISHOP. I beg---- (MR. REACH HASLAM _sits down to desk and takes - the post. Exeunt_ SERVANTS.) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. I ought to apologise for receiving you in my study, - but I thought--my husband thought--we had better see you first - alone. Are those the press cuttings, father? - - (MR. REACH HASLAM, _nodding, opens - press cuttings_.) - - BISHOP. But for this unfortunate _contretemps_, what a charming - coincidence that your new book should be published to-day of all - days! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. So you find time in your busy life, Bishop, to keep - abreast of modern literature--even novels? - - BISHOP. _Even_ novels! My dear lady, there is no greater force for - good. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Or for evil--alas! - - BISHOP. Quite so! I have often thought--I have indeed said so from - the platform--that the two most truly important influences for - good in our generation are your novels and the leaflets of the - National Society for Promoting the Education of the Poor in the - Principles of the Established Church. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Indeed! Father, do you recall that press-cutting? - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_Busy._) No. - - BISHOP. It was reported in our Diocesan Magazine. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. And yet, my dear Bishop, I have more than once felt - it my duty to criticise the Church rather sharply in my work. - - BISHOP. I know, I know. We bow the head, we kiss the rod. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. In my new novel I am back in politics again. Have - you seen it yet? - - BISHOP. No, not yet. But I have already ordered it from Boot's. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Boot's? - - BISHOP. Yes, the cash chemists. I find their circulating library - the most economical of all. And I have to be particular. As - you know, I publish every year a detailed account of all my - expenditure, personal and otherwise, and too large a sum for - books might be misconstrued as self-indulgence, especially in a - bachelor. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Ah, yes. (_Handing him a book._) Here is a copy. - - BISHOP. Pretty cover. - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_To his wife, in a low tone._) Twenty-one columns. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Pleased._) Really! - - BISHOP. (_Looking up._) Twenty-one columns? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. We are treating you without ceremony, my dear - Bishop. My husband has just calculated the total length of the - reviews of my book that have appeared in the London papers on the - first day. Of course we attach no value whatever to the actual - opinions expressed--the critics have to work in such a hurry--and - they are so sadly unfitted for their work, poor dears--but the - amount of space given is an excellent indication of the public - importance ascribed to the book. - - BISHOP. (_Who has been inspecting the book._) How true! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_To_ Mr. REACH HASLAM.) Anything special? - - MR. R. HASLAM. No. "Surpassed herself," seven or eight times. - "Masterpiece," fourteen times. The "Piccadilly Gazette" is - unfavourable. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Very? - - MR. R. HASLAM. Yes. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Better tell me. - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_Deprecating gesture, reads._) "The book is of - course admirable in workmanship, knowledge and insight, but - Mrs. Reach Haslam has not, if the truth must be told, surpassed - herself." - - MRS. R. HASLAM. If I'd known about that when I saw their lady - reporter this morning!... - - BISHOP. (_Putting the book down._) Enthralling narrative! - Enthralling! Now, my dear lady (_rising_). - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Interrupting him._) Please sit down. As you are - having a glimpse of me in my profession to-night, I want to ask - you one or two professional questions--about the psychology of - that false curate. - - BISHOP. (_Sitting down again._) Yes, yes. Psychology. Just so. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. I never lose an opportunity of gathering material. - Father, will you mind taking down? My husband is good enough to - act as my stenographer. - - BISHOP. Touching! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Now I noticed nothing remarkable about that curate. - - BISHOP. (_Agreeing._) No. And yet, you know--curious thing--he's a - gentleman, quite! Oh, quite! And I even remember once meeting his - father, when I was Court Chaplain, at a garden party in aid of - the Additional Curates Society. - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_Repeating what he has written._) Curates Society. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. But why should he choose to personate a curate? - That is what is so interesting to a novelist. Why a curate? It - couldn't have been for the money, or the glory. - - MR. R. HASLAM. Glory. - - BISHOP. The case is highly peculiar. He is certainly not without - means, or brains. My opinion is that his action was due to - excessive intellectual curiosity. He told me he wanted to feel - what it was like to be a curate. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Yet he looked quite sane. - - BISHOP. Oh, quite! Astonishing story! His brother, through the - influence of the Primate, had been engaged as curate, by the - Vicar of St. Saviour's, Chelmsford, subject to an interview. This - brother had been doing some chaplaining in Switzerland--just - rough winter work. On the way home he died suddenly in Paris. - Well, our friend of this morning calmly took up the dead man's - identity. Came to Chelmsford, conquered the simple Vicar, and was - at once accepted. That was two months ago. - - MR. R. HASLAM. Ago. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. But how dangerous. - - BISHOP. So I pointed out to him. His reply was that it was just - the danger that had attracted him--coupled with the desire to - understand why the members of his family had had such a passion - for curacy. It seems that two of his sisters have espoused - curates. This will be a grievous blow for all of them. - - MR. R. HASLAM. All of them. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. But why should the man be struck with remorse just - now? - - BISHOP. Well, his explanation is that he was so moved by the - bride's beauty. - - MR. R. HASLAM. Duty. - - BISHOP. Beauty. (_Gesture of mild triumph from_ MR. REACH HASLAM - _to_ MRS. REACH HASLAM.) He could not bear to think that any - action of his should cause--er--inconvenience to a woman so - beautiful. Hence he came to me at once. Fortunately I happened to - be at the Palace. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Had he performed any other marriages? - - BISHOP. Happily none; but he had celebrated ten funerals and four - baptisms. However these did not seem to trouble him in the - least, I regret to say. It was the wedding alone that roused his - conscience. - - MR. R. HASLAM. Conscience. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Of course you sent for the police. - - BISHOP. I trust and believe that he is now in prison. But I did - not send for the police. The Church has its dignity to maintain - against the civil judicature in these modern days. Also with so - much irreligion--shall I say?--flaunting in the very air, She - must avoid scandal--particularly local scandal. London scandal - is less deleterious. Accordingly I brought the young man up to - town with me, and I put him into a cab for the police-station, - where he will surrender himself of his own free will to the law. - I prefer that way. It is, perhaps, original; but nowadays we - Bishops have to be original. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. But do you really suppose he has surrendered? - - BISHOP. I am sure of it. I cannot pretend to your skill in reading - character, dear lady, but I know a gentleman at sight. - - MR. R. HASLAM. Sight. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Of course, if one put such a story into a novel, it - would never be believed. That's the worst of real life. - - BISHOP. And yet this distressing affair reminded me strongly of the - false archdeacon in "The Woman of Kent." - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Pleased._) Ah! You remember my early book? - - BISHOP. (_Protestingly._) My dear lady! You have no more earnest - student! And may I add that from the first I found that episode - of the false archdeacon entirely convincing. Its convincingness - was one of the very few points on which I shared the opinions - of the late Mr. Gladstone. "The Woman of Kent" has always been - a favourite of mine among your novels. It must have had a vast - circulation. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. How many copies, father? - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_Without looking up from the desk._) One hundred - and seventy-two thousand. - - BISHOP. Wonderful memory! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Is it not? He knows more about my books than I do - myself, far more. - - BISHOP. Touching. (_Rising._) I must go--reluctantly. Now what - time shall we say for to-morrow morning? I am absolutely at your - disposal. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. But do we understand that you mean to conduct the - ceremony in person? - - BISHOP. I do. I wish particularly to show by my presence at the - altar my sense of what complete reparation is due to you--due to - you all. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. I think we had better consult Flora herself. - (_Rings bell._) As you know, my original intention was that you - should be asked to preside at the ceremony. But the young people - insisted on a simple curate--doubtless from modesty, my dear - Bishop.... Would that I had been firm in the first instance! - - (_Enter_ CUTHBERT, _back_.) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Is Mrs. Lloyd in the drawing-room? - - CUTHBERT. Yes, ma'am. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. With Mr. Cedric? - - CUTHBERT. No, ma'am. She is alone. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Will you tell her that I should be very much - obliged if she could join us here for a moment. - - CUTHBERT. Yes, ma'am.... A representative of the "Piccadilly - Gazette" has just called, ma'am--for information. A male - representative. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. "The Piccadilly"! (_To_ MR. R. HASLAM.) The - audacity! (_To_ CUTHBERT.) About what? (CUTHBERT _makes a gesture - of embarrassment_.) You told him to call again to-morrow? - - CUTHBERT. No, ma'am. He's waiting. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Father, would you mind going out to him? (_Exit_ - CUTHBERT.) I really wonder at Cuthbert! (_To_ BISHOP.) We have - an absolute rule against seeing journalists after dinner. As - you know, Bishop, I detest notoriety. Hence our rule. And yet - Cuthbert allows this man to wait! - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_Going to door._) Cuthbert is not himself. Cuthbert - has been staggered by the events of the day. The strain of - pretending that nothing in the least unusual has happened must be - tremendous. Allowance should be made for Cuthbert. How shall I - treat this invader? - - (_The_ BISHOP _dips into the novel_.) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Well, without actually mentioning their review, - perhaps you might just indicate by your manner---- - - MR. R. HASLAM. These journalists are so obtuse, but still---- - - MRS. R. HASLAM. I think perhaps if you said that we cannot - understand how a purely private matter can interest the public, - but that if they _must_ know, the Bishop is here in person, - and---- (MR. REACH HASLAM _nods_.) You think that will be - judicious? - - MR. R. HASLAM. Quite. (_Exit back._) - - BISHOP. (_Putting down the book._) Enthralling! - - (_Enter_ FLORA, L.) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Flora, darling, this is the Bishop of - Chelmsford--Mrs. Lloyd, my--er--prospective daughter-in-law. - - FLORA. (_Stiffly._) My lord. - - BISHOP. My dear young lady, I have already tried to express to Mrs. - Haslam my consternation, my shame, at the---- - - FLORA. (_Smiling coldly._) I am sure that is sufficient. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. The Bishop has come to town specially to see us, - Flora. In order to guard against any possibility of further - accident, he has kindly suggested that he should officiate - himself to-morrow morning. - - FLORA. (_To_ BISHOP.) It's really very good of you. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Relieved._) Is it not? - - BISHOP. At what hour? I am entirely at your disposal. - - FLORA. Oh, any time! - - BISHOP. Noon? If you come down by the nine-fifteen train---- - - FLORA. That will do perfectly. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Where is Cedric, dear? - - FLORA. I have no idea. Shall I see? (_Exit_, L.) - - BISHOP. The dear child has evidently been much upset. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. We all have. - - BISHOP. Ravishing creature! Who was Mr. Lloyd? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. He seems to have been on the Stock Exchange. He was - a Chelmsford man, and had a house just outside the town. - - BISHOP. Indeed! I never met him. Did he leave a large fortune? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Oh, no! The house--not much else, I believe. - - BISHOP. Probably an admiration for your work was the original basis - of the--er---- - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Oh, no! I was first introduced to Mrs. Lloyd by - Charlie, my second son. In fact, quite confidentially, Bishop; we - thought it was a match between _them_. - - BISHOP. But heaven decided otherwise? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Cedric decided otherwise. - - (_Enter_ MR. R. HASLAM, _back_.) - - MR. R. HASLAM. Flora tells me that it is arranged for to-morrow. - - BISHOP. Yes. I have just been hearing from Mrs. Haslam how this - beautiful young lady has attracted both your sons. - - MR. R. HASLAM. Very catching. Ran through the family. - - BISHOP. Ha, ha! (_Seriously._) Ravishing creature! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Has Charlie come yet? - - MR. R. HASLAM. No. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. If he isn't here soon I fear he'll be late for the - office. And he's had no sleep to-day, poor boy. (_To_ BISHOP.) - Charles is the assistant manager of the circulation department of - the "Daily Sentinel," and his hours are from 9.30 at night till - three in the morning. - - BISHOP. How trying! I'm afraid we little think when we open our - newspaper at breakfast--I always read the "Sentinel"--we little - think what an immense amount of endeavour---- - - (_Enter_ CHARLES, _back._) - - CHARLES. Hullo! Mater. No trace of any dinner for me in the - dining-room. Here you stick me up with the luggage and all the - dirty work---- - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Charles, the Bishop of Chelmsford. - - BISHOP. We have met once before, I think. (_Shaking hands._) Now, - dear Mrs. Haslam (_looking at his watch_), I have half an hour to - get to Liverpool Street. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. You return to Chelmsford to-night? - - BISHOP. Essential! I have a midnight procession of drunkards. You - know they call me "the drunkards' Bishop." I am proud of the - title. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Shaking hands._) Exceedingly good of you to have - come. - - BISHOP. Not at all. The obligation is mine for your forbearance. - Now--may I presume on our slight acquaintanceship? If at any time - you should think of adding a Bishop to your wonderful gallery of - contemporary portraits, and I could be of assistance--need I say - more? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. I have already drawn two. - - BISHOP. Really? - - MR. R. HASLAM. Suffragans, my dear. - - BISHOP. Ah! Suffragans! I thought I could not have forgotten two - Bishops. Till to-morrow then, at noon. Young man, till to-morrow. - (_Shakes hands with_ CHARLES.) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_As_ BISHOP _and_ MR. R. HASLAM _go out_.) Father, - would you mind speaking firmly to Cuthbert about Charlie's - dinner? - - (_Exeunt_ BISHOP _and_ MR. REACH HASLAM, _back_.) - - CHARLES. Why the Bishop? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. He came up specially to arrange for to-morrow. - Certainly it was the least he could do. - - CHARLES. To-morrow? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. The wedding. - - CHARLES. Oh yes, of course, I was forgetting. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Really, Charlie, you get more and more - absent-minded as you grow older. I'm not sorry Cedric won't - let you meddle with aeroplanes. The wedding will be at noon - to-morrow. We go down by the nine-fifteen. - - CHARLES. With all that luggage again! It would have been simpler - to leave it where it was. Seven trunks! What with cabs, tips, - fares, excess, and a special omnibus, somebody owes me one pound - thirteen, not to speak of compensation for the total loss of tea, - dinner, and temper. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Well, you are always enthusiastic about Flora's - clothes. We acted for the best. We couldn't tell exactly what - would happen. Fortunately the Bishop saw at once that it was his - duty to take things in hand himself. - - CHARLES. I should say that what the Bishop saw was a chance of - getting himself into one of your books, mater. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. That also is possible. - - CHARLES. (_Imitating the_ BISHOP.) "Need I say more?" What a cuckoo! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Charles! - - (_Enter_ CEDRIC, L.) - - CEDRIC. Has that dashed Bishop actually departed? I began to think - he was going to spend the night here. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Cedric! I am ready to make great allowances, but I - _really_ do not know what has come over my sons. - - CEDRIC. Sorry, mother. (_To_ CHARLES.) Hello! You back? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Flora's told you it's all arranged for noon - to-morrow? - - CEDRIC. No. Haven't seen her. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Well, it is. And now, my boys, you can't stay any - longer in your mother's study. My article for "Harper's" must - absolutely be finished to-night. Your father and I had been - expecting a placid afternoon and evening of work. - - CHARLES. By the way, Rick. About that Klopstock business. Of course - you've seen the papers. (CEDRIC _nods_.) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Oh, yes. I quite intended to mention that, Cedric; - but really one has had so many things to think about--and my - article, too! How very awkward it is, isn't it? - - CHARLES. I met one of our johnnies at Liverpool Street, and he was - a little excited about it. And I may inform you it isn't often - our johnnies do get excited. - - CEDRIC. Oh! (_Sits down on sofa._) - - CHARLES. He told me they'd received a later wire at the office, - from Breslau, saying that Klopstock has had a private trial over - a mountain near there--I forget the name--and done it, my boy! - Done it on his head! - - CEDRIC. Has he, indeed? - - CHARLES. And he'll be over here in a week or ten days, it seems. - They want to know at the office exactly what you're going to do. - So I told the johnnie I should be seeing you to-night, and I'd - bring an official message. I had to explain to him a bit what had - happened--couldn't help it. I suppose you'll be forced to cut the - honeymoon next week and begin to get things into shape at once. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. It _is_ annoying for you, dear, and for Flora, too! - - CEDRIC. I shan't do any such thing. - - CHARLES. You surely won't let him---- - - CEDRIC. I shan't do anything for a full month. - - CHARLES. Do you mean to say you'll let Klopstock get in first. - - CEDRIC. If Klopstock chooses to try during my honeymoon, I can't - help that, can I? Let somebody else have a shot. I'm not the only - aviator in England, confound it! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Cedric! - - CHARLES. You're the only aviator in England that can get in front - of Klopstock over Snowdon. - - CEDRIC. I can't help that. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. But, Cedric--surely your duty---- - - CEDRIC. Oh! d---- (_stopping himself_). - - (_Enter_ FLORA. _As soon as she - perceives_ CEDRIC, _who has been - hidden from her by the screen, - she makes as if to leave the room - again_.) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Recalling her._) Flora. - - FLORA. (_With false simplicity._) So you _are_ back, Charlie. What - an angel you've been to worry yourself with all that big luggage. - - CHARLIE. Oh! That's all right (_surveying her_). I see you had at - least one frock in the portmanteau. We were just discussing the - Snowdon flight. So you two have decided---- - - FLORA. No, we really settled nothing. Cedric alone settles that, of - course. All questions relating to aeroplanes should be addressed - to the head of the flying department and not to the firm. - - CEDRIC. (_Rising, with restrained savageness._) I tell you I shall - do nothing whatever for a full month. (_Exit_, L.) - - CHARLES. (_Trying to break the extreme awkwardness caused by_ - CEDRIC'S _behaviour, in a bantering but affectionate tone_.) - I suspect the fact is that the bones of a husband are doubly - precious in her sight. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. But you don't really think there is any special - danger, do you, Flora dear? - - FLORA. Of course not. If I wasn't convinced that Cedric in his - aeroplane is a great deal safer than Charlie in a motor-car, or - Paderewski at the end of a concert, or a cabinet minister at a - public meeting, should I have gone as far as marrying him? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Then, seeing how serious it is for the country, - why---- - - FLORA. My dear, you must ask Cedric. I don't interfere with - business. - - (_Enter_ CUTHBERT, _back_.) - - CUTHBERT. A Mr. Frampington, to see the Bishop, ma'am. I told him - his Grace had gone, and now he asks to see either you or Mr. - Haslam. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Mr. Frampington? Where is your master? - - CUTHBERT. I believe he's in the kitchen at the moment, ma'am. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Frampington? - - CHARLES. Wasn't that the name of our young hopeful this morning? - - FLORA. (_Brightening again._) The imitation curate? Of course it - was! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. But surely---- - - CUTHBERT. He bears no resemblance to a curate, ma'am. - - FLORA. Then it is he! Oh! if it is, do let's see him! In private - life he must be extremely interesting. (_To_ CUTHBERT.) Show him - in, will you, please? - - (_Exit_ CUTHBERT.) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Flora--really I don't know what's come over you all! - - FLORA. It seems to me that the curate has come over us all. - - (_Enter_ CUTHBERT, _and_ FRAMPINGTON _in - tourist attire_.) - - (_Exit_ CUTHBERT.) - - FRAMPINGTON. (_In a quite natural, easy tone._) We meet again. - I'm so sorry to disturb you, Mrs. Haslam, but I'm in a slight - difficulty, and I hoped to find the Bishop here. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. The Bishop left a few minutes ago. - - FLORA. Won't you sit down? (_Outraged glance from_ MRS. R. HASLAM. - FRAMPINGTON _sits down calmly_.) May one inquire what this slight - difficulty is? - - FRAMPINGTON. (_After a little hesitation._) I suppose the Bishop - has explained everything? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. So far as everything is capable of explanation, yes. - - FRAMPINGTON. I'm glad of that. It makes the situation so much - easier. No doubt the Bishop gave you all the messages of apology - and regret that I asked him to deliver on my behalf. - - FLORA. (_To_ MRS. REACH HASLAM.) Did he? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. No. He only spoke for himself. - - FRAMPINGTON. That was not nice of him. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. He told us you were a gentleman---- - - FRAMPINGTON. Generous! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. And that you had promised to go to the - police-station and give yourself up of your own accord. - - FRAMPINGTON. Quite correct. And as soon as I'd got something to eat - I took a cab and went to Vine Street. Well, they refused to take - me in. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Refused to take you in! - - FRAMPINGTON. Wouldn't even take my name. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. But did you tell them clearly what you'd done--your - crime? - - FRAMPINGTON. I was most explicit. - - FLORA. I suppose it _is_ a crime. - - FRAMPINGTON. Oh, yes! It's a crime all right. As far as the Bishop - and I could make out, it means anything up to three years; but I - must say the episcopal library at Chelmsford isn't very strong - in criminal law. It seems to deal chiefly with vegetarianism and - drunkenness. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Brushing all this aside._) I may be dull, Mr.---- - - FRAMPINGTON. Frampington. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. But I don't yet understand why you've come here. - - FLORA. Mr. Frampington was going to explain how it was the - police-station was so inhospitable. - - FRAMPINGTON. The Inspector wouldn't believe my story. He thought I - was a practical joker. - - FLORA. And don't you think you are? - - FRAMPINGTON. (_Judicially._) Depends how one looks at it. I feel - sure I should have been more convincing if I hadn't changed my - clothes. But the Bishop insisted on me doing that, and so I put - on the only suit I had. And then I found I'd chosen a bad night. - Owing to these vivisection riots, they were doing a big business - in medical students at Vine Street. In fact, my suspicion is - that all their cells were engaged. And there's another thing--I - don't think I ought to have gone to Vine Street. Vine Street - specialises in what you may call West End cases--pocket-picking, - confidence tricks, murder, aristocratic inebriety, and so - on. It runs in a groove. But then Vine Street was the only - police-station that I was personally acquainted with--a youthful - souvenir of Boatrace night--and so I went there. It was a mistake. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. I'm afraid you didn't insist. - - FRAMPINGTON. Yes. I did. I insisted so much that at last the - Inspector got cross and said that if I didn't clear he _should_ - lock me up. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. And wasn't that enough for you, my man? - - FRAMPINGTON. (_Starting slightly at the appellation._) It was too - much. I naturally wanted to be locked up for the right thing. The - truth is the Inspector thought I was drunk--probably because I - was so calm. One of the constables said I--er--smelt of drink. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. And did you? - - FRAMPINGTON. Certainly not. Beyond half-a-pint of Bordeaux at the - Ritz, I assure you I had had nothing whatever. - - FLORA. The Ritz? - - FRAMPINGTON. Why not, madam? - - FLORA. As you say, why not! - - FRAMPINGTON. It was handy for Vine Street, and this being my last - night of freedom, you see---- As a novelist, Mrs. Haslam, you - will understand I had a natural desire to do myself well. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. The only thing I understand is that you seem to - have come here for the pleasure of hearing yourself talk. - - FRAMPINGTON. (_Rising simply._) I beg your pardon. I came here - to ask the Bishop to accompany me to the police-station as - corroborative evidence. When your servant told me he wasn't here, - the idea occurred to me that perhaps some member of your family - wouldn't mind going with me--just to identify me. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Charlie, you'd better go on your way to the office. - - CHARLES. That's all very well, but---- - - FRAMPINGTON. It would be very good of you. But I really think - we ought to try another police-station. Bow Street would be - better--more classical--if it isn't too much off your beat. - - FLORA. Why don't you go to Liverpool Street? - - FRAMPINGTON. But Liverpool Street is not a police-station. - - FLORA. No. But it's a railway station. Chelmsford isn't the - only place it leads to. There's Harwich, for instance, the - continent---- (_Smiles._) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_In a low voice._) Really, Flora! Christianity can - be carried too far. - - FRAMPINGTON. (_To_ FLORA.) I should be caught. And, honestly, I - prefer the new experience which lies before me. It can't last - long. And new experiences are my hobby. - - FLORA. But this is serious. You mayn't get a long sentence, but - when you're discharged from prison you'll be a social outcast. - - FRAMPINGTON. Oh, no, I shan't. In two years time I come into twenty - thousand pounds. - - FLORA. I see. - - FRAMPINGTON. (_To_ CHARLES.) May I count on your help? (_Bowing - adieu to_ MRS. R. HASLAM.) Madam. (_To_ FLORA.) Mrs. Lloyd, your - sympathy is very remarkable, and I appreciate it. Please accept - my sincerest apologies for any temporary inconvenience I may have - caused you. I assure you, this morning I didn't realise until - afterwards the awful seriousness of what I'd done. - - FLORA. Neither did I. Well, good luck! (_Shakes hands with him to - the deep astonishment of_ MRS. REACH HASLAM.) - - (FRAMPINGTON _goes towards door_. - CHARLES _uncertainly goes in the - same direction, then stops_.) - - CHARLES. (_To_ FRAMPINGTON.) Just wait in the hall a moment, will - you? - - FRAMPINGTON. Certainly. (_Exit back._) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Turning to_ FLORA.) Well, it's not often that I'm - left speechless---- - - CHARLES. Look here, mater. You send me off with this lunatic, but - it doesn't seem to have occurred to you that I've had no dinner. - I haven't even had time to wash. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Before he has finished._) Why _did_ you shake - hands with him, dear? You were almost effusive. - - FLORA. I felt almost effusive. - - CHARLES. But don't you think he's off his nut? - - FLORA. Whatever he is, he's saved me from something that's rather - awful to think about. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. He's what? - - FLORA. I may as well tell you now--Cedric and I aren't going to get - married to-morrow. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Not going to---- (_stops_). But you've just - arranged with the Bishop! - - FLORA. I know. But that was simply my cowardice. The truth is - I hadn't the heart to tell him. I felt that we could express - ourselves more comfortably in a telegram than by word of mouth. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. _We!_ But--but what's wrong with to-morrow, Flora? - - FLORA. Nothing. It's no worse than any other day. Only we aren't - going to get married at all. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. But you _are_ married--practically. I mean---- - - FLORA. (_Shakes her head._) Not even theoretically. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_With a certain dignified appeal._) Flora, I'm - not as young as you are. I'm a hard working woman. My work is - terribly in arrear. But I've never broken a contract yet, and I - must finish to-night that article of mine for "Harper's" on "A - Remedy for the Decline of the Birthrate in London Society." The - subject is delicate for a popular magazine, and I need to have - my mind free. May I beg you to tell me exactly what you mean, - without being too witty? - - FLORA. I'm really very sorry. Very sorry. If I'm witty, I honestly - assure you it's an oversight. All I can tell you is that Cedric - and I have had an extremely serious difference of opinion, on a - vital matter, and there's no hope of our views being reconciled, - and so we aren't going to get married. - - CHARLES. Not really! - - FLORA. Yes. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Half to herself._) And this is all you can find - to do, to help me with my article! (_To_ FLORA.) I suppose I must - imitate your calmness. - - FLORA. (_Winningly._) Oh! please do. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. When did you and Cedric settle this? - - FLORA. We haven't settled it. Have we had a moment alone together - since we left Pixton? _I've_ settled it. One person can settle - these things. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Do you mean to say that Cedric doesn't know what - you're telling me? - - FLORA. Not unless he's listening behind the door. I inform you - before anyone. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Of course father and I both noticed that you were - far from being yourselves. But we put it down to the shock and - disappointment. - - FLORA. To the Frampington accident? Oh, no! A Frampington accident - might happen to any unmarried couple. I'm afraid our gloom was - caused by nothing but a terrible fear. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Terrible fear? - - FLORA. Terrible fear lest neither of us would have the audacity to - profit by Mr. Frampington's revelation. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Audacity! Your audacity astounds me. - - FLORA. Yes, it rather startles even me. Now, will you mind telling - Cedric? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. I! (_Looks at her. Then exit_, L.) - - FLORA. Are you also struck dumb? - - CHARLES. I suppose the kick-up was about--Snowdon versus honeymoon. - - FLORA. Charlie, how penetrating you are, really! And you put it in - a nutshell. - - CHARLES. Well, when we burst into that hotel this morning I could - have sworn something was wrong. Don't you remember I enquired - what was the matter? And just now when I was asking Rick what he - meant to do, it didn't want any very powerful penetration to see - that there must have been a hades of a rumpus between him and you. - - FLORA. (_Puzzlingly._) Oh! Didn't it? And what's your opinion? Do - you think Snowdon ought to win? - - CHARLES. Well, it's fiendishly important. - - FLORA. I know. But don't you think a honeymoon's somehow more - important? - - CHARLES. _Some_ honeymoons might be. - - FLORA. What should you have done in Cedric's place? - - CHARLES. But look here, Flo, he _has_ given way, you know. - - FLORA. Yes, but against his judgment. - - CHARLES. Well, he couldn't help that. - - FLORA. You're wrong, Charlie. - - CHARLES. Am I? - - FLORA. Couldn't help it? If Cedric can't control his judgment - better than that, in a serious matter, at the very start of the - marriage, so much the worse for him and for me. - - CHARLES. Perhaps so. - - FLORA. Charlie, there are some things that you understand better - than Cedric. - - CHARLES. That's what I always say, but no one believes me. - - FLORA. It's true. Do you know I'm simply shaking? - - CHARLES. Fright? (FLORA _nods_.) I can believe you are, but - nobody'd guess it. - - (_Half-enter_ CEDRIC, L.) - - CEDRIC. (_Stopping at half-opened door. To somebody outside the - room._) What's that you say? (_Exit again, leaving door ajar._) - - FLORA. You'd better go. Don't forget the imitation curate's waiting - for you. - - CHARLES. Frizzle the imitation curate. - - FLORA. You'll be in the way here--don't you see? - - CHARLES. But you're sending me off just at the interesting part. - And you'll all be gone to bed before I get back from the office. - - FLORA. Yes, but I hope we shall all still be alive to-morrow. - Now--there's a dear, before Cedric comes. - - CHARLES. But--is it really serious? (FLORA _nods_.) Then we shan't - have to go to Chelmsford to-morrow? (FLORA _shakes her head_.) - Nor any other day? (FLORA _shakes her head_. CHARLES _moves - reluctantly towards the door_.) Well, I can't realise it, and - that's flat. I say---- - - FLORA. Yes? - - CHARLES. Would you mind telling father or mother to see that my - supper is set for me in the garden to-night? And something solid, - too! - - (_Enter_ CEDRIC.) - - FLORA. I will. - - (_Exit_ CHARLES, _back_.) - - FLORA. I see your mother's told you. Well, what can I say to you? - - CEDRIC. (_Sitting down._) You might congratulate me on the way I'm - keeping calm under stress. - - FLORA. But why do you come in like this and look at me like this? - - CEDRIC. Idle curiosity! Having received the news from the mater, I - was absurdly curious to hear any remarks you might have to make - to me. So I came in--like this. - - FLORA. Cedric, I did it the best way I could. I thought I would - imitate the blandness of the sham curate. You haven't seen him - to-night, but I may tell you he carries blandness further than - it has ever been carried before.... I was afraid if I didn't do - it at once it might never be done. I could see the time going on - and going on, and me preparing myself to do this thing in a nice, - kind, tactful, proper way, exactly as it should be done--and - never doing it--never beginning to do it! And at last finding - myself at Chelmsford to-morrow, and hypnotised by your mother and - the Bishop. Cedric, I'm sure it's a mistake to _prepare_ to do a - thing like this, leading up to it, and so on. The best plan is to - let it go off with a frightful _bang_, anyhow, as I've done! Then - the worst happens at the start instead of at the finish. - - CEDRIC. I quite see the argument. - - FLORA. (_With a nod of the head towards the door_, L.) You've told - her the reason? - - CEDRIC. She'd half guessed it. I made it seem as plausible as I - could, in my taciturn way. But you know it would need a course of - lectures to explain it properly. - - FLORA. I suppose I ought to depart hence. Where is your mother now? - - CEDRIC. She's briefly stating the facts to the head of the family. - - FLORA. Cedric, don't you feel as if I'd lifted an enormous weight - off your chest? Candidly! - - CEDRIC. No; but I feel as if we'd been sitting all day in a stuffy - railway carriage with a window that wouldn't open, and there'd - been a collision that had pitched us clean through it. I've got - oxygen, but I'm dashed if I can feel my legs. - - FLORA. My dear Cedric, if you were seriously injured you couldn't - talk like that. - - (_Enter_, L., _during the last - words_, MRS. REACH HASLAM _and_ - MR. REACH HASLAM, _very solemn_.) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Has Charlie gone? - - FLORA. Yes. By the way, he wants his supper set in the garden--he - asked me to tell you. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Thank you. - - FLORA. Something solid, he said. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Sitting down._) Cedric, I wish your father to - hear for himself exactly what the situation is. I naturally turn - to him and leave everything _to_ him.... Now, father. - - MR. R. HASLAM. So far as I've gathered, there seems to be some - slight difficulty as to dates. To-day's the 20th--to-morrow will - be the 21st (_looking at date calendar_). Yes, the 21st. Flora - thinks the honeymoon ought to end on the 21st _prox._, whereas - Cedric thinks the honeymoon ought to end in about ten days' time, - say 1st _prox._ The difference of opinion (_ironical stress_) on - this highly important matter, this fundamental matter, is final. - Hence Flora has absolutely decided to break off the marriage. - - FLORA. That's it. - - MR. R. HASLAM. Nothing could be simpler. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Flora, how can you sit there and trifle with our - deepest feelings, in this utterly cynical manner? - - FLORA. (_Persuasively._) I hope we aren't going to converse as if - we were characters in a powerful novel of modern society. This is - real life, you know, let's talk as if we were real people--do you - mind? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Personally, I am not aware of being unreal. But - _you_ seem to be unaware that you are playing with tragic things. - - FLORA. As I told Cedric in the first act---- - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Staggered beyond measure._) In the first act! - - FLORA. My dear. I'm only trying to fall in with your wish to turn - this affair into a tragedy. If it is a tragedy, the first act - occurred this morning. As I told Cedric this morning, we've - stumbled across a question of vital principle. Is our marriage to - be the most important thing in our lives, or isn't it? If it is, - then nothing less than an earthquake could possibly disturb the - honeymoon, because I suppose you'll admit the honeymoon is the - most urgent part of matrimony. If our marriage is _not_ to be the - most important thing in our lives--all right! That's a point of - view that I can understand; only--I don't want to get married. - And I won't! (_Pause._) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Cedric, why don't you speak? - - CEDRIC. Nothing to say. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Your silence is excessive. - - FLORA. (_Still persuasively._) We solemnly arrange our honeymoon. - Then Cedric happens to see a newspaper and he as good as - says, "Here's something more important than our honeymoon. - Our honeymoon must give way to this." And after all, this - terrific something is nothing whatever but a purely business - matter--something to do with the works. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Something to do with England, with Cedric's career, - with Cedric's duty. - - FLORA. (_Turning to_ MR. REACH HASLAM.) Supposing Cedric one day - said he couldn't attend his father's funeral because his career - called him elsewhere, because England wanted him, what should you - say? - - MR. R. HASLAM. I probably shouldn't open my mouth. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. A funeral is different---- - - FLORA. It is. But I can't help thinking that if circumstances - oughtn't to prevent a man from going to a funeral, they oughtn't - to prevent him from going to his own honeymoon. - - CEDRIC. I hope you won't lose sight of the fact that I gave way to - you absolutely about five hours ago. - - MR. R. HASLAM. That's the trouble. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Father! - - MR. R. HASLAM. Yes, that's the trouble, because his giving way to - her is a proof that he didn't share her views. What Flora objects - to in Cedric is not what he does, but what he thinks. She seems - to me to have no use for free-thinking in a husband. - - FLORA. I won't argue any further. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. But why not? Surely that is unreasonable. - - FLORA. Because in an argument I always begin rather well, but in - the end I'm apt to get beaten. So I just stop, especially when - I know I'm right. I'm a short distance woman. All I say is--can - you imagine me--_me_, running off to Ostend with a man who had - sacrificed his career, and Snowdon, and all England, unwillingly, - in order to go ... what gay little suppers we should have - together! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. One day, perhaps when it's too late, you'll realise - that a wife's first duty, and therefore her greatest joy, is to - help her husband. I know _I_ realised it, at once. When I was - married, Reach was only earning three hundred a year; he was a - solicitor's managing clerk--weren't you, father? I said to myself - that I ought to try to help him, and so I began to write. And as - a wife, I've been doing my best to help him ever since. After ten - years I thought it advisable for him to give up the law. How much - did I pay income-tax on last year, dear? - - MR. R. HASLAM. Nineteen thousand four hundred pounds. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. I don't boast, but you see what comes of trying to - do one's wifely duty! - - FLORA. Some women can do nothing but earn money. (CEDRIC _begins - playing mechanically with an object on the table_.) I can only - spend it. Two different talents! If I had a hundred pounds to - throw away at this moment, I know what I should spend it on---- - (_A pause. She looks round; exerting all her wayward charm._) - Come, why doesn't some one ask me what I should spend it on? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Gloomily perfunctory._) What should you spend it - on? - - FLORA. I should erect a statue to Mr. Frampington. It would be a - good thing if there were a few more Frampingtons about, just - to give people who've got as far as the vestry a chance of - reconsidering their position. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Upon my word, Flora (_cuttingly_), one would say, - from your sparkling wit, that you were quite in high spirits over - the situation. - - FLORA. Well, my dear, in one way I could cry my eyes out, but - in another I _am_ rather uplifted when I think of what Mr. - Frampington has saved us from. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Saved you from! (_Very courteously and quietly._) - Really, I should have thought that any woman would have been - more than a little flattered at the prospect of marrying into the - Haslam family, of being the wife of Cedric. No house in London is - more sought after than ours. It isn't too much to say that Cedric - is now one of the most celebrated men in England---- - - CEDRIC. (_Crossly._) Look here, mater---- (_He keeps his head down; - he is still playing with the object on the table._) - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_Sharply._) Cedric! (MRS. REACH HASLAM _looks at - her husband, as if expecting him majestically to reprove his - son_.) I wish you'd play with something else for a change. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. I speak kindly, but I speak plainly, and I'm not - ashamed of doing so. I say one of the most celebrated men in - England. Indeed, it wouldn't surprise me to learn that among the - masses of the people Cedric is better known even than I am myself. - - CEDRIC. Mater, I'm off! - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_Severely to him._) You'll kindly stay where - you are. There are times when one ought to be frank. (_Still - very courteously and quietly to_ FLORA.) You know I was not at - first altogether in favour of this marriage--not what could - be described as uncontrollably enthusiastic about it. I have - appreciated your excellent qualities, but---- - - FLORA. (_Smiling._) Please don't expose me. Comfort yourself with - the thought of what Mr. Frampington has saved _you_ from. - - (MR. REACH HASLAM _rises softly and - goes towards door, back_.) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Where are you going, father? - - MR. R. HASLAM. I thought I'd just make sure about Charlie's supper, - before it slipped my memory. (_Exit back._) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Turning to_ FLORA _again, pained_.) You are - forgetting the terrible scandal that will ensue if you persist in - your present course, dear Flora. The honeymoon actually begun! - and then--this bombshell! How shall we break it to the Bishop? - How can I ever look the Bishop in the face again! How can I ever - look anybody in the face again?... To-day of all days, when my - new book has just come out! And with my article to finish, on the - decline of the birthrate among the well-to-do classes!... How - _can_ we explain to people that the marriage is broken off when - there's certain to be an account of the wedding in every paper - to-morrow morning? - - FLORA. That, at any rate, isn't my fault. By-the-way, how - _did_ that paragraph get into the "Piccadilly Gazette"? - (_Mischievously._) I suppose it must have slipped in while you - were looking the other way. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_With controlled acerbity._) When you begin to - figure prominently in the life of your country, Flora, you'll - understand, perhaps, a little better than you do now that - newspaper reporters, whatever their sex, simply will not be - denied. They reside on the doorstep. One cannot be rude. At least - I can't. - - FLORA. I hope I never shall figure prominently in the life of my - country. But I want to figure prominently in the life of my - husband. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. The newspapers---- - - CEDRIC. Excuse me, mater, but isn't this right off the point? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_To herself._) And I was looking forward to a - quiet half hour with my press-cuttings! - - (_Silence._) - - (_Enter_ MR. REACH HASLAM _cautiously, back_.) - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_Mildly cheerful._) Well, where have you got to? - - FLORA. I think we're gradually working back again to the importance - of marriage in the life of the husband. - - MR. R. HASLAM. That's better! That's better! (_Sits._) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Flora, you'll pardon me offering my opinion, - as an experienced student of human nature, but when you say - "the importance of marriage," I think you really mean your own - individual importance. Personal vanity is very misleading. - - FLORA. Oh! It is. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Your attitude might be more defensible if you - were a different _kind_ of woman. I don't say it would be more - defensible, but it might be. - - CEDRIC. Oh, look here, mater---- - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Cedric, may I venture to converse in my own study? - - FLORA. (_To_ CEDRIC.) Don't you understand that this is not your - act? (_Rising._) How a different kind of woman? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Quietly courteous._) I mean, if you brought more - to the marriage. - - FLORA. Money? I'm not rich, but you see I'm rich enough to despise - ten thousand pounds. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Protesting._) Flora! Please don't mention such a - thing! Have _I_ mentioned it? I think we Haslams are as capable - as anybody of despising ten thousand pounds. (_Very kindly._) - No, I mean, if you had more to show in the way of--shall I - say?--striking personal talent. You can have no _rôle_ except - that of wife, purely social and domestic. And yet your attitude - seems somehow to claim the privileges of a--a great singer, or a - great pianist, or---- - - FLORA. A great novelist? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Imperturbable._) No, no. I was thinking more of - public performers.... Genius.... If you had genius, talents. - Mind, I'm not blaming you for not having them. I make no - reflection whatever.... Of course you are good, I hope, and - you're beautiful. - - FLORA. So they say. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. But beauty is a mere gift--from heaven. - - FLORA. My dear, what's the difference between a talent, and a gift - from heaven? I remember not very long since you were really quite - annoyed because the "Saturday Review," I think it was, referred - to you as "Mrs. Reach Haslam, the talented novelist." Whereas you - are constantly being called the "gifted novelist," and you like - it. (_She begins to sit down._) - - MR. R. HASLAM. Pardon me. "Like" is too strong a word. My wife - prefers to be mentioned as "Mrs. Reach Haslam," simply--don't - you, dear? One doesn't expect to read in the papers "Mr. Balfour, - the talented statesman," "Lord Northcliffe, the talented - statesman." One expects only "Mr. Balfour," "Lord Northcliffe." - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Waving him graciously into silence._ _To_ - FLORA.) I willingly admit, dear, that in its origin a - talent--like mine, if you insist--_is_ a gift from heaven. But - what years of study are necessary to perfect it! Whereas mere - beauty, charm---- - - FLORA. (_Having sat down, and finally arranged her fan and shawl, - etc._) It's taken me at least seven years of intense study to - learn to sit down like that--and in another two years I shall do - it even better. (_With a delightful smile._) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Graciously lenient._) But seriously---- - - FLORA. Seriously? (_Stopping, in a different tone._) My dear, did - the Bishop say anything when I left the room? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Say anything! About what? - - FLORA. About me. - - MR. R. HASLAM. He remarked that you were a ravishing creature. - - FLORA. Jokingly? - - MR. R. HASLAM. No. He was quite serious. - - FLORA. That's just it. If it was only frivolous, empty-headed boys - who were serious about it, but it isn't. The most high-minded, - middle-aged men are serious about it. Why, even chaffeurs and - policemen are serious about it. There must be _something_ in - it. Wherever I go people are more serious about me than about - anybody else--even if singers and pianists happen to be present. - If I arrive late at the theatres I'm the play for at least two - minutes. And I assure you in the streets it often occurs that men - I don't know hurry after me very seriously about it--even if I'm - veiled. And yet you and I have the same dressmaker! It's always - been like that--ever since my first marriage. And it's getting - more and more marked. I don't mind telling you, my dear, that my - own secret view of my importance is perhaps as modest as yours - is of yours--but what can you and I do against the universal - opinion? I've begin to bow before the storm. It's the wisest - course. You talk about what I bring to the marriage (_proudly_). - I bring to the marriage the gift of heaven, cultivated by the - labour of a lifetime, and, as to its value, there's only one - estimate, except yours (_with a catch in her voice_)--and - Cedric's! Cedric puts an aeroplane higher. - - CEDRIC. I beg your pardon---- - - FLORA. (_With emotion._) Yes, you do! Yes, you do! When there came - a conflict between my honeymoon and your aeroplane, you decided - instantly against the honeymoon, before I'd even been asked! You - didn't even consult me. - - CEDRIC. Aeroplane! Aeroplane! You keep on saying aeroplane, but---- - - FLORA. (_Calmer._) Listen. I know you've given way. I know you've - offered not to sacrifice the honeymoon, but don't you really - think still in your own mind that the honeymoon _ought_ to be - sacrificed? (CEDRIC _does not answer--pause_.) You know perfectly - well it's a relief to you that I've cried off! Come, honestly now? - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_Warningly, under his breath._) Not _too_ honestly. - - CEDRIC. (_Quietly._) Yes, I _do_ think part of the honeymoon ought - to be sacrificed. And I never dreamed that you would think - otherwise. It's a difference of opinion that simply staggers - me. It doesn't only stagger me--it frightens me. It makes one - reflect, you know. - - FLORA. Then you _are_ relieved? You're grateful. - - CEDRIC. (_Moved and stammering._) I ought to be. Of course you're - the only person who could cry off. - - FLORA. What do you mean? - - CEDRIC. Some things a man can't do. - - FLORA. Do you sit there and say that if I hadn't cut the knot, - you'd have gone on, and you'd have let me go on, with a marriage - you didn't believe in? Because you're a man, and there are some - things a man can't do! Can't a man show as much pluck as a woman? - That _does_ settle it! (_Controlling herself._) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Flora, you'll regret you've thrown Cedric over. - You'll certainly want to come back to him. - - FLORA. (_Disdainfully._) Shall I! (_Politely._) Good-night, Mrs. - Haslam. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. But where are you going? - - FLORA. I don't know. How can I stay here? My official connection - with this house is ended. I shall go to a hotel. Good-night. _So_ - many thanks! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Rising and going to her; firmly._) I'm sure - you'll oblige me by not scandalising the servants. You can choose - a hotel to-morrow morning. I'll go with you to your room, if I - may. All your trunks will be up there by this time. - - (_Exeunt_ FLORA, _submissive, and_ - MRS. REACH HASLAM, _back_.) - - (MR. REACH HASLAM _slowly prepares - for work at desk_.) - - CEDRIC. I'm off into the garden. (_Pulls out his cigarette case._) - (_Exit_, L.) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Aside as_ CEDRIC _goes_.) Nincompoop! - - (_Enter_ MRS. REACH HASLAM.) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Dear, before I go on with that article, I should - like to make a few notes on Flora's demeanour, while the thing's - fresh in my mind. One never knows when that kind of stuff won't - come in useful. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Where's the boy? - - MR. R. HASLAM. In the garden. (_Half to himself._) Of all places! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Collecting her thoughts and beginning to - dictate._) "Essentially hysterical in a crisis, but does not pull - a face before weeping, probably owing to advice from toilette - specialist." Yes, full stop. - - (CURTAIN.) - - - - - ACT III. - - _Garden of the_ REACH HASLAMS' _house in Palace Gardens. House - front to the left. At the back, shrubberies and trees. In centre, - an arbour or pergola, with the open side to the footlights. Under - the shelter of this a table, with remains of a meal._ - - TIME: _Next morning 4 a.m. Magnificent sunrise_. - - - CEDRIC _is sitting at the table, having finished eating. He is - still in evening dress, and dishevelled._ - - (_Enter_ CHARLES _through - shrubberies from back. He wears - the same costume as in previous - act, with hat, stick, etc._) - - CEDRIC. Hello? - - CHARLES. So _you're_ here, are you? - - CEDRIC. (_Wiping his mouth._) I am. - - CHARLES. Well, what's happened? - - CEDRIC. What do you mean? - - CHARLES. What do I mean? You and Flora, of course! - - CEDRIC. Nothing more. - - CHARLES. Then is it off? - - CEDRIC. (_With a nervous laugh._) Right bang off! (_Pause._) - - CHARLES. You look as if you'd been up all night. - - CEDRIC. (_Nods._) What time is it? My watch has stopped. - - CHARLES. About four. I'm a trifle late. (_Sits down to table._) - Well, my boy, I've got a bit of news for you. I don't know - whether it'll influence you, but---- (_startled_). Look here, - have you been eating my supper? - - CEDRIC. Was it for you? - - CHARLES. I must say this really is a bit too thick! - - CEDRIC. How should I know it was for you? - - CHARLES. Of course you knew! - - CEDRIC. It was all laid here. The fact is, I went off to sleep. I - must have slept solid for about four hours. When I woke up just - now, I was as hungry as a dog, so I just--I never thought---- - - CHARLES. Never thought be damned! - - CEDRIC. Awfully sorry. Here's some bread. What's this news? - - CHARLES. (_Taking bread._) What's the good of being sorry? It was - entirely on account of you I had no tea yesterday and no dinner - either, and now I'm dashed if you haven't gone and eaten my - supper too! - - CEDRIC. What's this news? - - CHARLES. (_Eating._) If I hadn't had some sultana at the office I - don't know what I should have done. I've a good mind not to tell - you! (_Taking paper from his pocket._) Here! This is a second - edition, just off the machines (_opening paper_). Oh, curse! Mind - the ink! (_Looking at his hands, after giving paper to_ CEDRIC, - _who examines it_.) There you are! (_indicating a paragraph in - the paper_). - - (CEDRIC _reads, then rises_.) - - CEDRIC. (_After reflection._) See here, boy. You just go to bed out - of the way and don't ever let on that you've shown me this paper - or even knew what there was in it. Do you hear? (_Putting paper - in his pocket._) - - CHARLES. I hear. But why? - - CEDRIC. Never mind why. - - CHARLES. But the newsagent will deliver the mater's copy here at - eight o'clock, and by half-past eight you may bet everybody in - the place---- - - CEDRIC. I'm going to do something long before eight o'clock. - - CHARLES. What are you going to do? - - CEDRIC. I'm going to see Flora, and tell her I've altered my view - completely. If she knew I'd seen the paper she'd be bound to - think I'd only come round because of _that_, and she wouldn't - listen to me--don't you see, idiot? - - CHARLES. I see. But haven't you altered your view because of that? - - CEDRIC. (_Coldly._) What's that got to do with you? The point is - that at any rate I can go honeymooning now with a free mind. - That's the point. - - CHARLES. And do you reckon all this'll be on the straight? - - CEDRIC. I don't care whether it's on the straight or not. - (_Savagely._) _I've got to have that woman_--confound her! and - I'm going to. - - CHARLES. Where is she? - - CEDRIC. She's in the spare room next to the mater's. - - CHARLES. And how do you intend to get at her? - - CEDRIC. I'm going to call her, and ask her to dress and come down - at once. Then I shall talk to her, here. With a bit of luck I may - be off with her and on the way to Colchester at six o'clock. Is - there plenty of petrol in the stable? - - CHARLES. Yes. I say--it's not _right_, you know! - - CEDRIC. Shut up. (_Going._) Did Fisher clean the car last night? - - CHARLES. How do I know? He ought to have done. I say---- - - CEDRIC. (_Stopping._) Well? - - CHARLES. I suppose you don't want any advice from me? - - CEDRIC. No. (_Turns and stops again._) What? - - CHARLES. I was only going to say that you'd better change those - clothes and make yourself look less of an absolute waster. - - CEDRIC. Well, of course! I expect I can dress quicker than she can, - can't I? I've thought of all that. - - (_He turns finally to leave._) - - (_Enter_ FLORA _from house, meeting - him. She is fully dressed in - morning street attire, and - carries a handbag._) - - FLORA. (_Staggered._) _Good_ morning! - - CEDRIC. (_Staggered._) Good _morning_! - - CHARLES. Hello, Flo! What's the meaning of this? - - FLORA. Couldn't sleep. - - CEDRIC. (_Hastily and nervously._) I shall be down in two jiffs. - (_Aside to_ CHARLES.) See you don't let her go. (_Exit into - house._) - - FLORA. I guessed you'd be having your supper just about now. That's - why I came down here. - - CHARLES. (_Pleased._) That's fine. Only I'm not having my supper. - Cedric's eaten it all. He's been out here all night, and he's - eaten it all--except this (_showing bread_). - - FLORA. My poor boy! But here's a couple of bananas. Have you ever - tried banana sandwiches? - - CHARLES. No. Are they any good? - - FLORA. Are they any good! Never had a banana sandwich! Shall I make - you some? - - CHARLES. I wish you would. (_Silence, while she sets about - sandwiches._) - - FLORA. Well, how long shall I have to wait? - - CHARLES. Wait? - - FLORA. To hear what happened to Mr. Frampington, of course. Did - they take him in at Bow Street? - - CHARLES. Oh, yes. - - FLORA. Do you know--I'm rather sorry. Somehow I should have liked - him to get clear away. Here! (_Gives him a sandwich, which he - eats. Then solemnly_) Now, Charlie, I'm going. I want to be gone - before anybody's up. - - CHARLES. What occurred last night? - - FLORA. Oh! terrific scenes! terrific scenes! and I really can't - face your mother this morning at breakfast. I couldn't do it. And - it's quite unnecessary. So I'm going to the Great Western Hotel. - I shall pretend I've arrived by a night train. And I want you to - see that my trunks are brought there later. Here! (_Gives him - another sandwich._) - - CHARLES. All serene! Thanks! (_After thought._) I say--_I_ rather - like Frampington, too. - - FLORA. Why? - - CHARLES. I don't know. It's due to him--somehow--I feel like you - feel.... I say, Flora, has it ever occurred to you that I'm a - mere cipher in this house? - - FLORA. Really? - - CHARLES. I'm nobody. I'm pitched about everywhere. - - FLORA. You don't mean--my trunks? - - CHARLES. Not a bit. Of course I don't. I mean the way they treat - me. Here Cedric's a perfect duke, in his own line. But will - he have me on the works? Not much. Says I must strike out for - myself, and all sorts of tommyrot. And in the end I'm set to - night-work like a blooming nigger. People might think we were - hard up for five quid a week, instead of simply rolling in - coin--rolling in it! Why shouldn't I go round the world or - something! I'm only twenty-two. - - FLORA. That all? - - CHARLES. I go out and work all night. Then I come home and discover - Cedric couldn't find anything better to do than eat my supper. - Five servants in this house. But do you suppose there'd have - been the least chance of me getting anything to eat before - eight o'clock, at the earliest, if you hadn't invented these - sandwiches? Not much! Thanks! (_Takes two more._) But that's not - what I meant. What I really meant was--who introduced my people - to you? I did. I knew you at the Baths Club six months before - his lordship Cedric and the mater kindly invited themselves to - have tea with me there, and then I didn't count any more! Cedric - simply shovelled me up and chucked me into a corner. In less - than twenty-four hours he was in love with you. But did he ask - my permission? Did he think about me for one instant? Not much! - The fact is, they simply make use of me ... and so--I rather like - Frampington. Understand? - - FLORA. Yes. - - CHARLES. Of course, I'm sorry about what's happened--as far as - you are concerned. But as far as Cedric's concerned, I can't - help thinking it serves him jolly well right. Cedric's too - cocksure--in everything. - - FLORA. That's quite true. - - CHARLES. (_Hesitating._) Yes. - - FLORA. What else have you got on your mind? - - CHARLES. Well, I don't know if I ought to tell you. - - FLORA. Certainly you ought to tell me. - - CHARLES. You think so? - - FLORA. Unless, of course, you agree with all the things your dear - mother's been saying to me. - - CHARLES. It's about Klopstock. - - FLORA. About Klopstock? - - CHARLES. He's had an accident. - - FLORA. What? - - CHARLES. Broken his leg. - - FLORA. How? Came down too quickly? - - CHARLES. No. Driving to his hotel last night his motor ran into a - statue of Bismarck, and he was thrown out. - - FLORA. Motor cars are really too dangerous. I wonder any aviator - cares to trust himself to them. - - CHARLES. (_Admiringly._) Now it's very funny. I often want to say - things like that, only I can never think of them. Cedric--he can - come out with them sometimes, and so can the dad. But you're the - only woman I ever struck that could. - - FLORA. Charlie, you're a dear. I suppose he'll be laid up for five - or six weeks. - - CHARLES. Who? Klopstock? You bet. You see what it means? - - FLORA. Quite. What I don't see is why you should have hesitated to - tell me about it. I suppose you've told Cedric? - - CHARLES. Yes. I brought an early copy of the paper with it in. - - FLORA. Where is it? - - CHARLES. Cedric's cleared off with it. - - FLORA. Well, if Cedric knows, why shouldn't I? - - CHARLES. Ask me another! Look here, I'm giving the show away, but - I've got my conscience to think of. This is a serious matter. I - mean--really serious! I don't like it, but it's my duty to warn - you. - - FLORA. Well? - - CHARLES. Cedric told me I wasn't to say a word. He said I wasn't to - let on that I'd told _him_. - - FLORA. And did you promise? - - CHARLES. I should think I didn't. Not me! - - FLORA. Had Cedric been out here all _night_? - - CHARLES. Yes. Told me he slept like a top in that chair, then woke - up and ate my supper. - - FLORA. But why should he want you not to say anything about - Klopstock? (_Enter_ CEDRIC, _in a lounge suit, somewhat awry, - with a hat_. FLORA _continues in the same tone to_ CHARLES.) - Here, have this last one (_offering him another sandwich. To_ - CEDRIC). It appears you've been eating what doesn't belong to - you. So I've done my best with bananas and stale bread to fill - the breach. - - CHARLES. (_Nervous._) You've forgotten your hair, my boy. - - CEDRIC. (_With a gesture; low to_ CHARLES.) Hook it! (_He repeats - the gesture._) - - (_Exit_ CHARLES _unwillingly, into house_.) - - FLORA. (_Primly._) I'm just going. I meant to leave before any of - you were up. I thought that would be the wisest thing to do. But - Charles begged me to stop and look after him a bit. - - CEDRIC. What's he been entertaining you with? - - FLORA. Oh! his grievances. They're rather real, you know. - - CEDRIC. Do you know, when I went in just now I was meaning to knock - at your door and ask you to get up at once. Curious thing, that - you should have been coming downstairs at that very moment! - - FLORA. Why this desire to begin the day so early? - - CEDRIC. Look here, Flora, let's go, now! Fisher won't be up, but - the car's cleaned and there's plenty of petrol. Come on. Just you - and I. - - FLORA. (_Innocently._) Where? - - CEDRIC. Chelmsford. I can wake the Bishop and tell him we want - the job done at eight o'clock instead of twelve. Any old verger - and charwoman will do for witnesses. The thing will be all over - before the mater's out of bed. We can telephone to 'em from - Chelmsford with the pleasing news. (_Pause. As_ FLORA _says - nothing, he continues, rather less confidently_.) It'll give 'em - an appetite for breakfast. - - FLORA. (_Ironically._) Any other details? - - CEDRIC. (_With rough persuasiveness._) Come on! - - FLORA. (_Ironically._) Then you've decided that we are to get - married, after all? - - CEDRIC. Well, a marriage can't be broken off like--like this! It's - unthinkable. What would any unprejudiced outsider say, if he was - asked? He'd say we were off our blooming heads. The thing simply - won't bear examination. (_Moves towards her._) Come---- - - FLORA. And I'm to be carried by storm?.... Great saving of argument! - - CEDRIC. Now listen---- - - FLORA. Well? - - CEDRIC. Will you talk man to man? Straight? - - FLORA. As one honest Injun to another! - - CEDRIC. (_Picking up a dish off the table._) If you make one more - joke, I'll smash every darned bit of crockery on this table. - (_Gesture of destruction._) - - FLORA. (_Coldly._) Now if I agree to listen quietly and talk - reasonably, it mustn't be understood that I'm open to argument. - (_Sits down._) - - CEDRIC. All right, all right! - - FLORA. Because I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. The thing that's--that's - really upset our applecart may seem perfectly childish to the - unprejudiced outsider. But I don't propose to consult the - unprejudiced outsider. Might as well take the case before a - jury and engage a couple of K.C.'s. You know as well as I know - that it isn't perfectly childish. It isn't childish at all. Its - fundamental. We've been unlucky. But then in another sense we've - been lucky. We're free. We aren't tied, thank Heaven. Man to man, - Cedric, it would be too much humiliation--yes, humiliation--for - me to marry anybody that looks on marriage as you look on it. And - as it's just as impossible for you to change your opinion as it - is for me to change mine, we shan't exactly go down to Colchester - this morning.... More's the pity. - - CEDRIC. Well, I _have_ changed my opinion. So let's go. - - FLORA. You've changed your opinion? How have you changed your - opinion? - - CEDRIC. I've sat there all this blessed night thinking it over. - - FLORA. Really? - - CEDRIC. Yes. Do you suppose I could sleep any more than you could? - What do you take me for? The more I thought it over, the more I - saw I'd been mistaken. Now--half a minute! I can't honestly blame - myself, you know. And so I won't pretend to--especially as we're - talking straight. I told you what I felt, right out, and then - I offered to give way. I couldn't do anything else. Well, you - wouldn't have that. Mind you, I think you were quite right in - refusing to let me give way against my better judgment. I admire - you for that even more than I did. But I don't give way now - against my judgment--I give way with it. - - FLORA. But how has your judgment altered? Why? - - CEDRIC. I don't know. How _do_ people's judgments alter? I - gradually saw the force of what you'd said. _Of course_ a man's - marriage must come in front of everything else! _Of course_ the - idea of letting any business matter interfere with the honeymoon - is monstrous! I cannot imagine how it was I couldn't see that - yesterday. The only explanation is that up to yesterday I'd never - lived for anything except my job. Force of habit! One has to get - a bit used to a new state of affairs. I suppose it was the sudden - shock of the news that sent me a bit off the track. Look here, - Flora, you don't want me to go on in this strain. You don't want - me to grovel. I'm not the grovelling sort ... I was mistaken. - - FLORA. (_In a new quiet tone._) Cedric, what happened in your - mother's study after I went upstairs last night? - - CEDRIC. Nothing whatever. I cleared out instantly afterwards. - I've been here ever since, and I haven't spoken to a soul except - Charlie. Why? - - FLORA. Nothing. - - CEDRIC. But why do you say "Nothing" like that? - - FLORA. Cedric, I was just wondering how this conversation of yours - really did come about. It occurred to me that perhaps something - might have happened--in business---- - - CEDRIC. (_Nervous._) How--"something"--in business? - - FLORA. Something--I don't know--something that would leave you - free after all for a full month, so that in being converted you - wouldn't have to sacrifice anything at all. - - CEDRIC. But how could anything have happened? - - FLORA. I don't know, but with that telephone so handy in your - mother's study---- All manner of things happen nowadays over the - telephone--especially in the middle of the night. - - CEDRIC. (_Relieved. Affecting a cheerful irony._) What notions - she does get into her head! My dear girl, nothing whatever - has happened--so far as I know. Of course nothing _could_. My - conversion, as you call it, is due simply and solely to my - thinking things over. - - FLORA. Honour bright? - - CEDRIC. (_Firmly._) Certainly!... Then you really imagined I was - capable of such a--you couldn't trust me---- - - FLORA. It isn't _you_ I couldn't trust. It's the human nature _in_ - you that I had my doubts about. It's always so apt to get the - better of people, and make them play tricks they'd never dream of - by themselves. - - CEDRIC. (_Shocked but forgiving._) Fluff! - - FLORA. (_Somewhat coldly._) I'm only being man to man. - - CEDRIC. Look here, Flora, it's barely twelve hours since that - vulgar idiot Klopstock shoved himself into our honeymoon. Barely - twelve hours. We were in love with each other up till then, - weren't we? (_Silence._) Weren't we? - - FLORA. (_Primly._) Yes. - - CEDRIC. Very much? (_Silence._) I say very much? - - FLORA. (_More primly._) Yes. - - CEDRIC. Well, if you know as much about human nature as you make - out, you know perfectly well that we must still be very much in - love with each other. I mean _now, here_! Anyone might think, to - hear some of the talk that went on last night, and even to see us - at this moment, that we didn't care twopence for each other. But - a passion won't be knocked on the head like that. You can't get - over it--we're still damnably in love. We've had a row--good! - It's been an infernal nuisance--good! I've been an ass, if you - like--good! And what then? You're in love with a man who's been - an ass--that's all. But you _are_ in love with him. Moreover, - he's ceased to be an ass!... Now, Flora, one ass is enough. Are - you going to listen to reason or not? - - FLORA. But your mother---- - - CEDRIC. (_Picking up a piece of crockery and dashing it violently - to the ground; then, controlling himself, after a pause, in a - low, tense voice._) My mother be blowed! - - (_A pause._ MR. _and_ MRS. REACH - HASLAM _appear at the house-door. - They show surprise at the - spectacle of_ FLORA _and_ CEDRIC - _with an appealing undecided - gesture_.) - - FLORA. (_Advancing to meet_ CEDRIC.) Cedric! - - (FLORA _suddenly perceives_ MR. - _and_ MRS. REACH HASLAM _and - completely changes her attitude, - going towards them_.) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Really---- - - FLORA. (_Lightly._) So we've _all_ got up with the sparrows! - - MR. R. HASLAM. No. These two particular sparrows have just come out - for a breath of air before retiring to their nest for the day. - (_Yawns._) - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Work is work, young lady, and insists on being - done (_with meaning_), whatever else happens or does not happen. - - FLORA. Ah! The birthrate article--has the poor thing been declining - all this time? - - CEDRIC. (_Anxious for his parents to depart._) Mother, you ought to - go to bed at once--you look absolutely exhausted. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Is it surprising? I was just saying to your father - that if this kind of thing was likely to occur often I should - have to devise some way of procuring tea at sunrise. - - FLORA. But do you want some tea? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. I never want what I can't have. I shall doubtless - hold out till eight o'clock. - - CEDRIC. Couldn't the dad make you some? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Impossible, child! At four o'clock in the morning! - - MR. R. HASLAM. The cook always locks up the kitchen to keep - Cuthbert and Fisher out. - - CEDRIC. Seems odd that in a house like this you can't have a cup of - tea whenever you happen to want it! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Coldly resenting this criticism of her - housekeeping._) Father, shall we go? - - FLORA. May _I_ give you some tea? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. It's very good of you to offer me tea in my own - garden, but---- - - FLORA. (_With great charm._) Not at all. (_Opening her bag._) I - have my Thermos. I filled it yesterday before starting. You see, - we had no programme, and I didn't know where we might ultimately - be landed. Besides, I never travel without it. (_She unscrews - the Thermos flask and pours out the steaming tea into the patent - cover. Then undoes a little packet containing sugar._) One lump, - isn't it? (_Handing the cup, with a spoon, to_ MRS. REACH HASLAM, - _who accepts it_.) Sit down and drink it. I guessed about forty - places where I _might_ pour that tea out--and they were all - wrong! (MRS. REACH HASLAM _discovers that the tea is scalding_.) - It _is_ hot, isn't it? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Sipping._) I'm afraid you didn't sleep very well, - Flora. - - FLORA. Why? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. You're down so exceedingly early. - - FLORA. The fact is, I could not get off to sleep. - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_Half to himself._) I put a complete set of my - wife's novels in each of the spare bedrooms only yesterday. - (_With a faint air of being puzzled._) - - FLORA. Another cup? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. No, thanks. Excellent. - - FLORA. I'm so glad I was here. You know, it's quite easy to have - tea at any hour of the night. But of course, with all your - other work, you can't be troubled with the little details of - housekeeping. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Nettled._) My _other_ work!... No doubt when - you're settled down with Cedric you will be able to show him what - true housekeeping really is. - - FLORA. Settled down with Cedric! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. My dear, I had intended to make no comment on the - singular coincidence of you and Cedric being here in the garden - at four in the morning. I did not mean to inquire into the - significance of this broken crockery, nor of your attitude and - tone to Cedric before you caught sight of me. But I am a trained - observer. You may remember that last night---- - - CEDRIC. Mater, why don't you go to bed? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. You may remember that last night I hinted that - before very long you'd probably be throwing yourself into - Cedric's arms (_benevolently_). And I'm delighted to see that - pride has not stood in your way. Delighted! How you got him - down here into the garden I don't know, and it doesn't matter. - (_Slight pause._) - - FLORA. (_To_ CEDRIC.) Anything to say? - - CEDRIC. You're quite wrong, mother. The fact is I've now come to - the conclusion that Flora was perfectly right last night. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. About what? - - CEDRIC. In arguing that _nothing_ ought to stand in the way of the - honeymoon. And I've just been telling her so. - - FLORA. But he forgot to tell me that there _is_ nothing now to - stand in the way of the honeymoon. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. What do you mean? - - FLORA. Klopstock has broken his leg and can't move for at least six - weeks. (_Startled movement by_ CEDRIC. _Quietly gracious, to_ - CEDRIC.) Didn't you know? (_Silence._) Cedric, didn't you - know? - - CEDRIC. (_With gruff reluctance._) Yes ... of course, Charlie gave - me away? - - FLORA. Charlie merely told me, as he told you. - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Everything is all right, then. - - FLORA. Do you think so? Cedric and I were supposed to be talking - like honest Injuns---- - - MRS. R. HASLAM. Honest Injuns? - - FLORA. Well, as man to man, then. Anyway, straight! And yet he - positively assured me that nothing had happened, to influence - him except my arguments. Whereas the fact was he knew that - owing to this broken leg he could go away with a perfectly easy - conscience. My arguments hadn't influenced him at all. His - principles haven't really changed at all! But now he's safe as - regards Klopstock he doesn't care a fig for his principles. His - mind is free for pleasure, now--it wasn't before--and so in order - to enjoy himself for a month he'd sacrifice _any_ principles. - Just like a man, that is! And there's something else. He was so - desperately and madly anxious to have me that he told another - simply appalling cold-blooded fib. He said he had sat up all - through the night thinking over my arguments, without a wink of - sleep. I suppose he thought that would touch me. Now the truth - is that he slept very well, and woke up with such an appetite - that he ate the whole of Charlie's supper except two bananas. I - won't mention his references to his mother. But I think I've said - enough to show that I didn't come down at four o'clock in the - morning precisely in order to throw myself into your son's arms. - Can you imagine a woman silly enough to marry a man who on the - very day of the wedding would try to deceive her as Cedric has - tried to deceive me? - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Majestic._) Father! We had better go. (_She - moves towards house. After reflection, savagely to_ FLORA, _over - her shoulder_.) I rejoice that the breach is now definite. - - (_Exit into house._) - - (CEDRIC _moodily goes up garden out of sight_.) - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_Protesting._) Hannah! (_Half to himself, looking - at his watch._) An inflammable hour--four o'clock! - - FLORA. We seem to be left alone together. - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_Cheerfully._) Yes, but I must go. - - FLORA. However do you manage to be always so calm and cheerful? - I've noticed you in the most difficult situations---- - - MR. R. HASLAM. You have.... You see I've my own private life to - fall back on. - - FLORA. (_Interested._) Have you? Where? I never---- - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_Tapping his forehead._) Here! - - FLORA. I see. - - MR. R. HASLAM. And my collection--that always keeps me amused. - - FLORA. Your collection? - - MR. R. HASLAM. My collection of private opinions (_tapping his - head_). Here, too! - - MRS. R. HASLAM. (_Off._) Father! - - MR. R. HASLAM. (_With cheerful acquiescence._) Yes, my dear. (_To_ - FLORA.) Au revoir, I hope. - - (_Exit into house._) - - (_Vague noise of_ CEDRIC _privately - cursing behind, out of sight_.) - - FLORA. (_Going up a little._) Cedric, when you've done swearing up - there, I want to apologise to you. - - (_Re-enter_ CEDRIC. _They look at each other._) - - CEDRIC. Apologise? - - FLORA. My human nature ran away with me. My human nature couldn't - resist the temptation to fulfil your prayer. You demanded that - your mother should be blowed--and she has been. Unfortunately it - meant you being blowed, too. Now let's go. - - CEDRIC. Go where? - - FLORA. (_Innocently._) To Chelmsford, of course. Isn't there a - newspaper train about a quarter past five? - - CEDRIC. (_Shaking his head in a maze._) I'm dashed if I know where - I am---- - - FLORA. I'm dashed if you are quite wide awake, my poor boy. Can't - you see how amply you've proved that you look on marriage as - seriously as any woman could desire--more seriously than any - woman ought to desire. Last night you hesitated to sacrifice your - aeroplane to me. But this morning you tell the most frightful - lies on the chance of getting hold of me--although I gave you - every encouragement to be truthful. You take the most frightful - risks of being found out. You'll run any danger of trouble and - unhappiness in the future if only you can capture me now. You - smash crockery. You behave meanly, _miserably_. You forfeit even - your own self-respect. Cedric, that is what I like. It's just - that that shows how much in earnest you are. Your deeds are far - superior to your arguments.... Cedric---- - - CEDRIC. What? - - FLORA. After all, your dear mother's prophecy was quite correct. I - _was_ just going to throw myself into your arms--but of course I - couldn't do it while she was there, could I? (_Picks up Thermos - cup, to screw it on to the flask, holding it at arm's length._) - Henceforth, sacred! - - (CEDRIC _roughly seizes her and kisses her_.) - - (_After freeing herself, as she puts the flask in the bag._) It's a - good thing I like them rough. - - CEDRIC. What? - - FLORA. A man--and his chin. - - CEDRIC. (_Snatching at the bag and looking at his watch._) Let's go - out by the garden.... Probably find a cab. Motor would make too - much noise, and rouse the mater. She'll never get over this. - - FLORA. (_Calmly._) Oh yes, she will. We all shall. (_Stops._) But - my trunks, and yours? - - CEDRIC. I'll wire to Charlie from Liverpool Street to bring them - down.... Confound him! - - CURTAIN. - - - - - The Gresham Press - - UNWIN BROTHERS, LIMITED - WOKING AND LONDON - - * * * * * - - - - -ARNOLD BENNETT - - - "It is the style which sets the seal of distinction on Mr. - Bennett's work, and he has not written for the moment but for - posterity."--_Morning Post._ - - "Mr. Bennett writes novels as Fielding, Smollett, Dickens, - Thackeray wrote them--out of the abundance of his imagination, - out of an inordinate eagerness to produce human life in all its - profusion."--_Daily News._ - - "The man is immense. In point of sheer observation, revelation - of character, fictional interpretation, and, above all, in the - objective attitude towards his art, Mr. Bennett stands on this - work supreme in English literature. His technique is consummate. - His detail and paring work, his dramatic sense, his subtlety, his - penetration--these things fill one with wonder."--_English Review._ - - "Mr. Bennett is an astonishingly clever and judicious artist, he - has that sense of life without which no man can be a novelist; he - has humour, and humour's twin brother, pathos; he has all this and - much else as well; but the dominant characteristic of his mind is - its amazing versatility."--_Truth._ - - "Mr. Bennett has the Trollopian gift of engaging our sympathy with - thoroughly ordinary, commonplace, undistinguished, third-rate - people, and investing them with qualities which excite curiosity - and even fascination. He has qualities which place him in the - forefront of living novelists."--_Spectator._ - - "All of us who treasure our Balzac will be grateful for the - literary corner Mr. Bennett is making for himself in English - middle-class life."--_Sketch._ - - "When we read Bennett, apart from the mere acute interest created - by the story he has to tell, we are at once humbled and exalted - by the revelation he forces upon us--humbled by the mystery - and miracle of human existence, exalted by the heavenly gift - of vision which lifts us beyond human despairs. Like Edwin, at - the close of 'Clayhanger,' we find ourselves 'braced to the - exquisite burden of life.' And that is the supreme achievement of - literature."--_Glasgow Herald._ - - * * * * * - - -The Regent - -_Crown 8vo, 6s._ _Fourth Edition_ - - "We doubt whether any of Mr. Bennett's books is likely to give more - unmitigated amusement than 'The Regent'--a book full of good humour - and high spirits."--_Spectator._ - - "Mr. Bennett is in the lightest of moods--the mood of pure high - spirits and burlesque."--_Daily Telegraph._ - - -Clayhanger - -_Crown 8vo, 6s._ _Eleventh Edition_ - - "In 'Clayhanger' Mr. Bennett has suddenly grown to full stature, - and at no moment of the story does he lose touch with the warmth - and glow of life."--_Star._ - - "Mr. Bennett has here enlisted all the resources of his fertile - intellect, his observation, his keen perception, his essential - idealism, and set himself again to the production of a work that - will surely be memorable."--_Daily News._ - - "A masterly story, well ordered, and alive with interest." - _Pall Mall Gazette._ - - "It is all admirably done ... masterly studies of feminine - character."--_Nation._ - - "A great book, handled with an immense breadth and spaciousness, - and written in a style of perfect mastery."--_Morning Leader._ - - -Hilda Lessways - -_Crown 8vo, 6s._ _Eighth Edition_ - - "The book is packed with cleverness."--_Standard._ - - "Mr. Bennett has established himself as a great novelist." - _Morning Leader._ - - "A fine book in its truth, its comprehending sympathy, its - courage."--_Daily Chronicle._ - - "Its realism is most expressive, and its artistry of a rare and - excellent kind."--_Pall Mall Gazette._ - - "That 'Hilda Lessways' is as great as 'Clayhanger' cannot be - doubted. It is the epic soul of a woman, and every woman will see - in it a mirror of her own experience. It is full of the pity and - the beauty of life. It is ennobling, assuaging, restoring, and - healing in its vision of existence."--_Star._ - - -The Matador of the Five Towns - -_Crown 8vo, 6s._ _Second Edition_ - -A select number of short stories written by Mr. Bennett during the last -few years, now issued for the first time in volume form. - - "Here, as elsewhere, Mr. Bennett has written with the hand of the - master."--_Dundee Advertiser._ - - "A wealth of observation, insight, and creative power has gone to - the making of these tales."--_Daily Chronicle._ - - "As full of subtle variety as the superficial greyness of everyday - life."--_Glasgow News._ - - -A Man from the North - -_Crown 8vo, 6s._ _Third Edition_ - -This is a new edition of a novel which has been out of print for some -years. - - "It is admirably fresh and brisk, vibrating with a wild, young - ecstasy. It is cleverly written, and strong in appeal to human - sympathy."--_Daily Chronicle._ - - "A book that will come to the jaded novel reader as a splendid - surprise."--_Black and White._ - - -The Card - -_Crown 8vo, 2s. net_ _Eleventh Edition_ - - "Mr. Bennett is in his liveliest form. It is true comedy of - character. He has created a type for eternal laughter ... he has - 'cheered us all up.'"--_Morning Post._ - - "It is full of delightful touches of humour."--_Evening Standard._ - - -Buried Alive - -_Crown 8vo, 2s. net_ _Fifth Edition_ - -This is a new edition of a novel which has been for some little time -out of print. - - "A most delightfully humorous story, which keeps the reader in a - bubble of laughter the whole way through."--_Daily Chronicle._ - - "The novel is one of the most amusing we have read for some - time. The author is to be congratulated on a notable piece of - work."--_Birmingham Post._ - - -Anna of the Five Towns - -_Fcap. 8vo, 1s. net_ _Fourth Edition_ - -A new edition of a characteristic novel by Mr. Bennett, which has been -for some little time out of print. It is now issued among Methuen's -Shilling Novels. - - -Teresa of Watling Street - -_Fcap. 8vo, 1s. net_ - -To a plot of the highest ingenuity, Mr. Bennett adds his own minutely -humorous and descriptive method. The volume is issued among Methuen's -Shilling Novels. - - * * * * * - - - - -_Three Plays_ - - -The Honeymoon: a Comedy in Three Acts - -_Crown 8vo, 2s. net_ _Third Edition_ - - "Full of a fine subtle humour, its dialogue is witty and - unconventional, and its characters all interesting."--_Aberdeen - Free Press._ - - "Excellently and wittily done. Far and away the neatest and - best sustained piece of work Mr. Bennett has written for the - theatre."--_Outlook._ - - -Milestones: A Play in Three Acts - - (With Edward Knoblauch) - -_Crown 8vo, 2s. net_ _Sixth Edition_ - -This play is perhaps the first attempt to compress into a single -evening's entertainment the spectacle of a man's whole existence. - - -The Great Adventure: A Play of Fancy in Four Acts - -_Crown 8vo, 2s. net_ _Third Edition_ - -This play gives the history of a very great English Painter. - - * * * * * - - METHUEN & CO. LTD., 36 ESSEX STREET, LONDON, W.C. - - * * * * * - - - - - - TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES - - - Silently corrected simple spelling, grammar, and typographical - errors. - - Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed. - - Enclosed italics font in _underscores_. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Honeymoon, by Arnold Bennett - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HONEYMOON *** - -***** This file should be named 50331-8.txt or 50331-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/0/3/3/50331/ - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Clarity and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive/Canadian Libraries) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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