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diff --git a/old/50820-0.txt b/old/50820-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 82ce653..0000000 --- a/old/50820-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,7199 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Mrs. Dot, by W. Somerset Maugham - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Mrs. Dot - A Farce - -Author: W. Somerset Maugham - -Release Date: January 1, 2016 [EBook #50820] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MRS. DOT *** - - - - -Produced by Chuck Greif and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images available at The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - - _MRS. DOT_ - - - - - _BY THE SAME AUTHOR_ - - (_Uniform with this Volume_) - - - _PLAYS_: - - _A MAN OF HONOUR_ - _LADY FREDERICK_ - _JACK STRAW_ - _THE EXPLORER_ - _PENELOPE_ - - (_In Preparation_) - - _SMITH_ - _THE TENTH MAN_ - _GRACE_ - _LOAVES AND FISHES_ - - - _LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN_ - - - - - _MRS. DOT_ - - _A FARCE_ - - _In Three Acts_ - - _By W. S. MAUGHAM_ - - _LONDON: WILLIAM HEINEMANN_ - _MCMXII_ - - - - - _All rights reserved_ - - - - -This play, originally called _Worthley’s Entire_, was produced at the -Comedy Theatre on April 26, 1908, with the following cast: - - - JAMES BLENKINSOP FRED KERR - GERALD HALSTANE W. GRAHAM BROWNE - FREDDIE PERKINS KENNETH DOUGLAS - CHARLES HERBERT ROSS - MR. RIXON GEORGE BELLAMY - MASON HORTON COOPER - MR. WRIGHT BRIAN EGERTON - GEORGE H. GERRISH - LADY SELLENGER MARIE ILLINGTON - NELLIE SELLENGER LYDIA BILLBROOKE - MISS ELIZA MACGREGOR LENA HALLIDAY - MRS. WORTHLEY MARIE TEMPEST - - - - - _MRS. DOT_ - - - - - _CHARACTERS_ - - - MRS. WORTHLEY - FREDDIE PERKINS, _her nephew and secretary_ - MISS ELIZA MACGREGOR, _her aunt_ - GERALD HALSTANE - JAMES BLENKINSOP - LADY SELLENGER - NELLIE, _her daughter_ - CHARLES, _Gerald’s servant_ - MASON, _Mrs. Worthley’s Butler_ - MR. WRIGHT, _a tailor_ - MR. RIXON, _Gerald’s solicitor_ - BLENKINSOP’S MAN - - - TIME: _The present day_ - - ACT I--_Gerald’s rooms in Grafton Street_ - - ACTS II and III--_Mrs. Worthley’s house on the river_ - - - - -_The Performing Rights of this play are fully protected, and permission -to perform it, whether by Amateurs or Professionals, must be obtained in -advance from the author’s Sole Agent, R. Golding Bright, 20 Green -Street, Leicester Square, London, W.C., from whom all particulars can be -obtained._ - - - - -MRS. DOT - - - - -THE FIRST ACT - - - SCENE: GERALD’S _rooms in Grafton Street. A man’s room, pleasantly - furnished, with very comfortable arm-chairs, and prints on the - walls. Books are lying about, and smoking utensils._ - - CHARLES, GERALD HALSTANE’S _servant, opens the door_. MR. WRIGHT - _comes in, a dapper young man, smartly dressed_. - -CHARLES. - -There, you can see for yourself that Mr. Halstane is not at home. - -MR. WRIGHT. - -Very well, I’ll wait for him. - -CHARLES. - -You’ll have to wait till midnight, because I don’t expect him in. - -MR. WRIGHT. - -Last time I came you said he’d be back in half an hour, and when I -returned you said he’d just gone out. You don’t catch me napping a -second time. - -CHARLES. - -The governor don’t take impertinence lying down, Mr. Wright, and he’ll -look upon it as a great liberty your dunning him in this way. - -MR. WRIGHT. - -I don’t know about taking impertinence, but he’ll have to take a summons -if my account is not settled at once. - - [_There is a ring at the bell._ - -CHARLES. - -[_Ironically._] Make yourself quite at home, won’t you? - -MR. WRIGHT. - -Thank you. I will. - - [CHARLES _goes out and leaves the door open so that the - conversation with_ RIXON, _the solicitor, is heard_. - -RIXON. - -[_Outside._] Is Mr. Halstane in? - -CHARLES. - -No, sir. He’s gone to his club. - -RIXON. - -Well, I’ll ring him up. I must see him on a matter of the very greatest -importance. You’re on the telephone, aren’t you? - -CHARLES. - -Yes, sir. But there’s a person waiting to see him. - -RIXON. - -[_Coming in._] Oh, never mind. - - [RIXON _is a short, rubicund man, with white whiskers and a hearty - manner_. - -MR. WRIGHT. - -[_Going towards him._] Mr. Rixon. [RIXON _looks at him without -recognising him_.] Don’t you remember me, sir? I’m the junior partner in -Andrews and Wright. - -RIXON. - -Of course I do. I saw your father on business the other day. [_To_ -CHARLES.] Where’s the telephone book? - -CHARLES. - -I’ll just go and fetch it, sir. Mr. Halstane lent it to the gentleman -upstairs. - -RIXON. - -Be as quick as you can. - - [CHARLES _goes out_. - -RIXON. - -[_To_ MR. WRIGHT.] What are you doing here? - -MR. WRIGHT. - -Well, the fact is, we’ve got a very large account with Halstane, and I’m -told he’s in queer street. I want to get the money before the crash -comes. - -RIXON. - -Queer street? The man’s just come into seven thousand a year. - -MR. WRIGHT. - -What! - -RIXON. - -That’s why I’m running all over the place to find him. You know he’s a -relation of the Hollingtons. I was at her ladyship’s not half an hour -ago--the Dowager, you know--my firm has acted for the whole family for -the last hundred years. Well, I’d hardly arrived before a message came -from the War Office to say that her grandson, the present lord, had been -killed in India. So as soon as I could, I bolted round here. Mr. -Halstane is the next heir, and he comes into seven thousand a year and -the title. - -MR. WRIGHT. - -My gracious, that’s a piece of luck. - -RIXON. - -I don’t mind telling you now that he’d pretty well come to the end of -his tether. Your money was all right because he’d have paid everything -up, but he wouldn’t have had much left. - -MR. WRIGHT. - -Of course he doesn’t know anything about this yet? - -RIXON. - -Not a word. For all he knows, he’s a ruined man, and here am I trying to -get him on the telephone to tell him he’s come into a peerage and a -very handsome income. - - [CHARLES _enters with the telephone book_. - -CHARLES. - -7869 Gerrard, sir. - -RIXON. - -Thanks. - - [_He rings up and asks for the number._ - -RIXON. - -7869 Gerrard, please, Miss.... What? Confound it, the line’s engaged.... -I must go round to his club in a cab. I suppose you don’t want to wait -here now, Wright? - -MR. WRIGHT. - -No, sir. I’ll get back to the shop. - -CHARLES. - -I ’ope you’ll suit your own convenience, sir. [CHARLES _shows them out -and comes back_.] I don’t know what these tradespeople are coming to -when they expect gentlemen to pay their bills. - - [_He seats himself in the most comfortable chair in the room and - puts his feet on the table. His back is to the door. The newspaper - is lying by his side. He shuts his eyes and dozes._ - - [GERALD _enters silently, followed immediately by_ BLENKINSOP _and_ - FREDDIE PERKINS. - - [GERALD _is a handsome man of seven or eight and twenty, simple in - his manners, carefully dressed but without exaggeration_. FREDDIE - _is a vivacious boy of two and twenty_, BLENKINSOP _is an old - bachelor of five and forty; he is well-preserved and takes a good - deal of care of his appearance. He is dressed in the height of - fashion._ - - [_For a moment they look silently at_ CHARLES, _who wakes with a - start and jumps up in confusion_. - -CHARLES. - -I beg your pardon, sir; I didn’t hear you come in. - -GERALD. - -[_With an ironical politeness which he preserves during all his remarks -to_ CHARLES.] Pray don’t let us disturb you. I shall never forgive -myself if I think I’ve interrupted your nap. - -CHARLES. - -Shall I take your hat, sir? - -GERALD. - -It’s very kind of you. I shouldn’t like you to put yourself out. - -FREDDIE. - -[_Sitting down._] By Jove, what a ripping chair! No wonder that Charles -went to sleep. - -CHARLES. - -Mr. Rixon has just been, sir. He’s gone on to the club. - -GERALD. - -[_With a laugh._] I’m not sorry to miss him. One’s solicitor seldom has -any good news to bring one. - -CHARLES. - -Will you have the whiskey and soda, sir? - -GERALD. - -If it wouldn’t give you too much trouble. - - [CHARLES _goes out, and_ GERALD _hands the cigarette box to_ - BLENKINSOP _and_ FREDDIE. - -GERALD. - -Sit down and make yourself comfortable, James. - -BLENKINSOP. - -To do that is one of the few principles I’ve adhered to in the course of -an easy and unadventurous life. - - [CHARLES _enters with a tray on which are glasses, whiskey and - sodas_. - -CHARLES. - -Is there anything else you want, sir? - -GERALD. - -If you can spare me two minutes of your valuable time, I should like to -make a few observations to you. - -FREDDIE. - -Collect yourself, Charles, to receive the words of wisdom that fall from -Mr. Halstane’s lips. - -CHARLES. - -Things is very bad on the Stock Exchange, sir. - -GERALD. - -Charles, I have no objection to your sitting in my arm-chair and putting -your feet on my table. I am willing to ignore the fact that you smoke my -cigars and drink my whiskey. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Sipping._] You show excellent judgment, Charles. The whiskey’s -capital. - -CHARLES. - -[_Imperturbably._] Pot-still, sir. Fifteen years in bottle. - -GERALD. - -I can even bear with equanimity that you should read my letters. For the -most part they’re excessively tedious, and they will only show you how -deplorable is the education of the upper classes. But I must insist on -your _not_ reading my paper till I’ve done with it. - -CHARLES. - -I’m very sorry, sir. I thought there was no objection. - -GERALD. - -A newspaper, a suit of clothes, and a bottle of wine are three things at -which I prefer.... - -CHARLES. - -To ’ave the first cut in, sir. - -GERALD. - -I thank you, Charles; I couldn’t have expressed my meaning more -idiomatically. - -FREDDIE. - -[_Laughing._] You’d better have a drink. - -CHARLES. - -Allow me, sir. - - [_He mixes a whiskey and soda._ - -GERALD. - -You need not pour out the whiskey with such a generous hand as when you -help yourself. Thank you. - -CHARLES. - -Them mining shares of yours is very low, sir. - -GERALD. - -They are. - -CHARLES. - -If you’ll remember, sir, I was all against them at the time you bought. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You are a jewel, Charles, if besides administering to your master’s -wants you advise him in his financial transactions. - -GERALD. - -Unless I’m mistaken, Charles strongly recommended me to invest my money -in public-houses. - -CHARLES. - -Them being frequented in peace and war, and not subject to clandestine -removals. In peace men drink to celebrate their ’appiness, and in war to -drown their sorrow. - -GERALD. - -[_Smiling._] You are a philosopher, Charles, and it cuts me to the quick -that I should be forced to deny myself the charm of your conversation. - -CHARLES. - -[_Astonished._] I beg your pardon, sir? - -GERALD. - -I am endeavouring to give you notice in such a manner as not to outrage -your susceptibilities. - -CHARLES. - -Me, sir? I’m sorry if I don’t give satisfaction. - -GERALD. - -On the contrary, you give every satisfaction. It has never been my good -fortune to run across a servant who had an equal talent for blacking -boots and for repartee. I am grateful for the care with which you have -kept my wardrobe, and the encouragement you have offered to my attempts -at humour. I have never seen you perturbed by a rebuke, or discouraged -by ill-temper. Your merits, in fact, are overwhelming, but I’m afraid I -must ask you to find another place. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You really shouldn’t be so abrupt, Gerald. Look at him staggering under -the blow. - -CHARLES. - -I’m very comfortable here, sir. Can you give me no reason for this -decision? - -GERALD. - -You gave it yourself, Charles. As you justly observed, them mining -shares is very low. You are sufficiently acquainted with my -correspondence to be aware that my creditors have passed with singular -unanimity from the stage of remonstrance to that of indignation. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I say, I’m sorry to hear this, old man. - -CHARLES. - -If it’s just a matter of wages, sir, I shall be ’appy to wait till it -suits your convenience to pay me. - -GERALD. - -[_With a smile of thanks._] I’m grateful to you for that, Charles; but, -honestly, do you think half-measures can be of any use to me? - -CHARLES. - -Well, sir, so far as I’m acquainted with your circumstances.... - -GERALD. - -Come, come, this modesty ill becomes you. Is there a bill in this room, -or a solicitor’s letter, with which you are not intimately acquainted? - -CHARLES. - -Well, sir, if you ask me outright--things is pretty bad. - -FREDDIE. - -I say, don’t play the ass any more. What the deuce does it all mean? - -GERALD. - -I’m sorry the manner in which I’m imparting to you an interesting piece -of information, doesn’t meet with your approval. Would you like me to -tear my hair in handfuls? - -BLENKINSOP. - -It would be picturesque, but painful. - -FREDDIE. - -Are you really broke? - -GERALD. - -So much so that I’ve to-day sublet my rooms. In a week, Charles, I shall -cast the dust of London off my feet, a victim to the British custom of -primogeniture. - -CHARLES. - -Yes, sir. - -GERALD. - -Have you the least idea what I mean? - -CHARLES. - -No, sir. - -GERALD. - -Well, I feel certain that during some of the many leisure moments you -have enjoyed in my service, you have cast an eye upon that page in Burke -upon which my name figures--insignificantly. - -CHARLES. - -Begging your pardon, sir, I looked you up in the Peerage before I -accepted the situation. - -GERALD. - -It rejoices me to learn that your investigations were satisfactory. - -CHARLES. - -Well, sir, always having lived before with titled gentlemen, I felt I -owed it to myself to be careful. - -GERALD. - -I am overpowered by your condescension, Charles. It never occurred to me -that you were taking my character while I was taking yours. - -CHARLES. - -If servants wanted as good characters from masters as masters want from -servants, I ’ave an idea that many gentlemen would ’ave to clean their -own boots. - -GERALD. - -You scintillate, Charles, but I deplore your tendency to digress. - -CHARLES. - -I beg pardon, sir. As you was the second son of an honourable and very -well connected, I didn’t mind stretching a point. If I may say so, your -father was almost a nobleman. - -GERALD. - -The consequence is, however, that I was brought up without in the least -knowing how to earn my living. I belong to that vast army of younger -sons whose sole means of livelihood is a connection with a peer of the -realm and such mother-wit as Dame Nature has provided them with. - - [_A ring is heard._ - -CHARLES. - -There’s some one at the door, sir. Are you at home? - -GERALD. - -No, I expect two ladies to tea in half an hour, but you must admit no -one else. These gentlemen will be forced to deprive me of their society -in twenty-five minutes. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Not at all. Not at all. - -GERALD. - -I repeat with considerable firmness that these gentlemen will be -compelled by a previous engagement to leave me in _twenty_ minutes. - -BLENKINSOP. - -It’ll be difficult after that to make our departure seem perfectly -natural, won’t it? - - [_A second ring is heard._ - -GERALD. - -Nobody’s to come in. - -CHARLES. - -Very good, sir. - - [_He goes out._ - -BLENKINSOP. - -I say, old man, I’m awfully sorry to hear this bad news of yours. Can’t -I do anything to help you? - -GERALD. - -No, thanks. - - [_The bell is rung continuously, with the greatest impatience._ - -FREDDIE. - -By Jove, whoever your visitor is, he doesn’t like being kept waiting. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Outside._] Is Mr. Halstane at home? - -FREDDIE. - -[_Softly._] Why, it’s my aunt. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Mrs. Dot. - -GERALD. - -Ssh! - -CHARLES. - -Not at home, madam. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Outside._] Nonsense. I want to see him very particularly. - -CHARLES. - -I’m very sorry, madam. Mr. Halstane went out not five minutes ago. I -almost wonder you didn’t meet him on the stairs. - -MRS. DOT. - -Yes, I know all about that. - - [MRS. WORTHLEY _comes in. She is a pretty little woman, very - wonderfully gowned. She is frank, open and full of spirits._ - CHARLES _follows her into the room_. - -MRS. DOT. - -Oh! Three of you. Charles, how can you tell such stories? - -CHARLES. - -[_Very gravely._] Mr. Halstane is _not_ at home, madam. - -GERALD. - -[_Coming forward and taking her hand._] Charles is shocked at your lack -of decorum. - -MRS. DOT. - -Run away, Charles. And don’t do it again.... I suppose you think this -sort of thing isn’t done in the best families? - -CHARLES. - -[_Stiffly._] No, madam. - -MRS. DOT. - -I saw one of my drays outside, so I thought I’d just look in to see how -you liked it. - -CHARLES. - -[_Icily._] I beg your pardon, madam? - -MRS. DOT. - -The beer, my good man, the beer! Don’t you know that I’m _Worthley’s -Entire_? - -CHARLES. - -I never gave the subject a thought, madam. - -MRS. DOT. - -And very good our half-crown family ale is, although I say it as -shouldn’t. - -GERALD. - -You may go, Charles. - - [_Without a word, much on his dignity_ CHARLES _departs_. - -GERALD. - -[_Gaily._] It’s fortunate I’ve just given him notice, because Charles -would certainly never stay in a house where he’d been so grossly -insulted. - -MRS. DOT. - -I love shocking Charles. He’s so genteel. Whenever I come here I see him -obviously trying not to show that he’s perfectly well aware that I have -anything to do with trade. - -BLENKINSOP. - -The world is so degenerate that it’s only among domestic servants that -you find any respect for landed gentry and any contempt for commerce. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_To_ FREDDIE.] I’m glad to see that you’re not ruining your health by -working too hard as my secretary. - -FREDDIE. - -I’ve been lunching with Blenkinsop. I answered about fifty begging -letters before I came out this morning. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_To_ GERALD.] You’ve not said you’re glad to see me yet. - -GERALD. - -I’m not sure that I am, very. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Not at all disconcerted._] Then say you like my frock. - -GERALD. - -Yes, it’s very nice. - -MRS. DOT. - -Very nice! I should think it was very nice. There’s no one in London -who’d venture to wear anything half so outrageous. And as for the -hat.... - -BLENKINSOP. - -The hat’s hideous. But I suppose it’s fashionable. - -MRS. DOT. - -My dear James, where were you educated? - -BLENKINSOP. - -At Eton. - -MRS. DOT. - -Well, they taught you nothing about clothes. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I wish sometimes that nice women wouldn’t get themselves up as if they -were no better than they should be. - -MRS. DOT. - -Don’t be so absurd. The ideal of a woman who takes any pains about her -frocks is to look as like an abandoned hussy as she possibly can. - - [MRS. DOT _chooses the most comfortable chair in the room_. - -GERALD. - -I’m afraid I can’t ask you to sit down. - -MRS. DOT. - -Oh, don’t trouble. I’m perfectly capable of doing that of my own -accord.... If you think I’m going before you’ve answered a hundred and -fifty questions you’re very much mistaken. First, I want to know why -you’ve not been near me for the last week? Then why you try to keep me -out of the place? And lastly, why you show every desire to get rid of me -when I’m here? - -GERALD. - -I’ve not seen you because I’ve been uncommonly busy. I said I was not at -home because I’m in the worst possible temper. And I want to get rid of -you because I’m expecting somebody else. - -MRS. DOT. - -I suppose if I were a thoroughly tactful person I should now ring for my -carriage? - -GERALD. - -I daresay you would ask me to ring for it. - -MRS. DOT. - -Well, I shall neither do the one nor the other. In the first place your -answers are all nonsense and in the second I want to know who’s coming? -If it’s some one I know, I shall stop and say, How d’you do, and if it -isn’t I want to see what _it’s_ like. - -GERALD. - -I suppose you know I’m perfectly capable of turning you out by main -force. - -MRS. DOT. - -If you touch me I shall scream. - - [_She looks quickly at_ FREDDIE _and_ BLENKINSOP, _then gives a - smile_. - -MRS. DOT. - -Oh, Freddie, I quite forgot. I’ve got a pile of letters that I found on -my way out this afternoon. There are three poor clergymen who can’t pay -their bills, and there are five elderly spinsters who don’t know which -way to turn for their quarter’s rent, and there are seven deserving -ladies with a starving husband each and sixteen children. - -BLENKINSOP. - -How very immoral! - -MRS. DOT. - -It would be much more immoral if they had a starving child each and -sixteen husbands. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I suppose it’s never occurred to you that you do a great deal more harm -than good by your indiscriminate charity? - -MRS. DOT. - -Don’t be such an old frump. If it gives me a certain amount of pleasure -to give money away, why on earth shouldn’t I? I daresay that nineteen -out of every twenty people I help are thoroughly worthless, but it’s -only by doing something for them all that I can be quite certain of not -missing the twentieth. - -FREDDIE. - -D’you want me to write to them at once? - -MRS. DOT. - -This very minute. - -FREDDIE. - -[_With a smile._] But that’ll only get rid of me, you know. Blenkinsop -will still be here. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Coolly._] James, do go and see that Freddie writes his letters -nicely. He’s only just come down from Oxford, and his spelling is rather -shaky. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_With a grunt._] You can give us a shout when you’ve had your talk. - -MRS. DOT. - -Now mind, Freddie. I before E except after C. - - [_They go out._ - -GERALD. - -[_Laughing._] You’re a very bold woman, Mrs. Dot. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_With a change of tone._] What’s the matter, Gerald? - -GERALD. - -[_Surprised._] With me? - -MRS. DOT. - -Won’t you tell an old friend? - -GERALD. - -[_After a very short pause._] Nothing that you can help me in, Mrs. Dot. - -MRS. DOT. - -Won’t you leave the Mrs. out? It makes me feel so five and thirtyish. - -GERALD. - -You’re a ripping good sort, and we’ve had some charming times together. -I’m glad that you came to-day, because it’s given me an opportunity to -thank you for all your kindness to me. - -MRS. DOT. - -My dear boy, what _are_ you talking about? - -GERALD. - -Well, the fact is, I’ve been spending a good deal of money lately, and -I’m rather broke. - -MRS. DOT. - -How stupid of me! I’ve always had such lots myself it never occurs to me -that any one else may be hard up. And I’ve let you pay all sorts of -things for me, theatres and dinners and heaven knows what. I must owe -you a perfect fortune. - -GERALD. - -Nonsense! You don’t owe me a penny. - -MRS. DOT. - -Well then, in future I insist on paying for everything. I’m not going to -give up our little dinners at the Savoy and our suppers and all the rest -of it. Don’t be so silly. You know I have ten times more money than I -know what to do with. - -GERALD. - -Yes, I can see you furtively slipping your purse into my hand so that I -should pay for a luncheon, and giving me a shilling over for the cab. -No, thank you. - -MRS. DOT. - -Then we’ll economise together. It only means going to the pit of a -theatre instead of taking a box. Well, I like the pit much better. You -see all the women come in and you criticise their back hair. And you -suck delicious oranges all the time. It makes my mouth water to think of -it. And we’ll go on a bus instead of taking cabs. They’re much safer, -and I like sitting on the front seat and talking to the driver. -Bus-drivers are always such handsome men. - -GERALD. - -It’s not a question of driving in buses, but of walking on my flat feet. - -MRS. DOT. - -Very well. You shall walk on your flat feet, and I’ll trip along by your -side on my arched instep. - -GERALD. - -Things have come to such a pass that I must either beg, steal, or work. - -MRS. DOT. - -Then tell me exactly how matters stand. - -GERALD. - -It would only bore you, and besides you wouldn’t understand. - -MRS. DOT. - -Now you’re talking through your hat, my friend. You’re simply talking -through your hat. I flatter myself there are few men who have a better -head for business than I have. Why, since my husband died I’ve almost -doubled our profits. The brewery has never been so flourishing. I’ve -told the British People on fifty thousand hoardings to drink Worthley’s -Half-crown Family Ale, and by Jove, the British People do. - -GERALD. - -You funny little thing. - -MRS. DOT. - -Well, now tell me all about it, and let’s see if things can’t be put -straight. - -GERALD. - -Oh, my dear, I’m afraid they’re in a most awful mess. I never had much -money to start with, and I got into debt. Then I tried a flutter on the -Stock Exchange, and the confounded shares went down steadily from the -day I bought. - -MRS. DOT. - -It’s a way shares have when fools buy them. - -GERALD. - -But I daresay I could have weathered that, only a pal of mine got into a -hole, and I backed a bill for him. - -MRS. DOT. - -You don’t mean to say you did that? - -GERALD. - -I was obliged to. I couldn’t let him go under without trying to do -something. - -MRS. DOT. - -You donkey, you perfect donkey! - -GERALD. - -He swore he’d be able to pay the money. - -MRS. DOT. - -I never knew a man yet, or a woman either for that matter, who’d stick -at a thundering lie when he wanted money. And what’s the result? - -GERALD. - -Well, the result is that after I’ve paid everything up, I shall have -about five hundred pounds left. I’m proposing to go out to America and -rough it a bit. - -MRS. DOT. - -Pardon my asking, but do you think a handsome face, a talent for small -talk, and a certain charm of manner will enable you to earn your daily -bread? - -GERALD. - -[_Laughing._] I don’t want to seem vain, but although I’ve done my best -to conceal them, I fancy I have two or three other qualifications which -will be of more service. - -MRS. DOT. - -Then the long and the short of it is that you’re ruined. - -GERALD. - -Absolutely. - -MRS. DOT. - -I’m delighted to hear it. - -GERALD. - -Dot! - -MRS. DOT. - -I am. I can’t help it. But I think your plan of going to the States is -simply foolish. - -GERALD. - -What else _can_ I do? The Cape’s entirely played out. - -MRS. DOT. - -You stupid creature. - -GERALD. - -I beg your pardon! - -MRS. DOT. - -You belong to a class whose chief resource when it has squandered its -money is a rich marriage. The custom is so well recognised that when a -man of good family emigrates rather than have recourse to it, society is -outraged and suspicious. - -GERALD. - -Thanks. I don’t think I can see myself marrying for money. - -MRS. DOT. - -Don’t be so absurd. I never heard that the course of true love ran any -less smoothly because a charming widow had sixty thousand a year. - -GERALD. - -What _do_ you mean? - -MRS. DOT. - -My dear boy, I’m not a perfect fool. A man thinks a woman never sees -anything unless she looks at it with both eyes at once wide open. Don’t -you know that she can see things through the back of her head with a -stone wall in between? - -GERALD. - -What have you seen, then? - -MRS. DOT. - -I’ve seen a thousand things. I’ve seen your eyes light up when I came -into the room, I’ve seen you watch me when you thought I wasn’t looking. -I’ve seen you scowl at any young fool who paid me an outrageous -compliment. I’ve seen the pleasure it gave you to do me any trifling -service. I’ve seen you watch for the opportunity of putting my cloak on -my shoulders after the play. And--I’m sorry--but I’ve come to the -conclusion that you’re in love with me. I dare say the fact has escaped -your notice, but that’s only because men are so deplorably stupid. - -GERALD. - -[_Gravely._] D’you think it’s quite kind to laugh at me now? - -MRS. DOT. - -But I’m not laughing at you, my dear. I’m so pleased, and so flattered -and so touched. At first I thought I was only a fool, and that I saw -those things only because I wanted to. And when your hand trembled a -little as it took mine, I was afraid it was only my hand that was -trembling. And at last when I was certain that you were just as much in -love with me as I was with you, I was so glad that I cried for two -hours. And I had to use a whole box of powder before I could make myself -presentable again. - -GERALD. - -[_Grimly._] I’m afraid you’ll think me an utter brute. I ought to have -told you long ago that I’m engaged to be married. - -MRS. DOT. - -Gerald! - -GERALD. - -I’ve been engaged to Nellie Sellenger for the last three years. - -MRS. DOT. - -Why didn’t you tell me? - -GERALD. - -No one was supposed to know anything about it. And--I was afraid of -losing you. Oh, Dot, Dot, I love you with all my heart. And I’m so glad -to be forced to tell you at last. - -MRS. DOT. - -But I don’t understand in the least. - -GERALD. - -You know Nellie Sellenger is an old friend of mine. - -MRS. DOT. - -Yes, it was at the Sellengers’ I first met you. - -GERALD. - -Well, three years ago we were staying at the same place in the country, -and I was a young fool. - -MRS. DOT. - -You mean that there was no other girl there, and so you flirted with -her. But you need not have asked her to marry you. - -GERALD. - -[_Apologetically._] It was the merest accident. It came to pieces in my -’ands, so to speak. - -MRS. DOT. - -Really? - -GERALD. - -We were taking a walk in the garden after dinner, and a perfectly absurd -moon was shining. It seemed the obvious thing to do. - -MRS. DOT. - -And of course she accepted. The girl of eighteen always does. - -GERALD. - -But Lady Sellenger refused to hear of it. She thought me most -ineligible. - -MRS. DOT. - -Lady Sellenger’s a sensible woman. She was quite right. - -GERALD. - -I’m not so sure. If she’d given us her blessing and told us to do as we -liked, we should probably have broken it off in three weeks. But she was -really rather offensive about it. She refused to let Nellie see me, and -the result was that we were always running across one another in Bond -Street tea-shops. - -MRS. DOT. - -Monstrous! And so bad for the digestion. - -GERALD. - -Some time ago Lady Sellenger found out that we were writing to one -another and so on, so she came to see me and said she’d made up her mind -to take Nellie abroad for a year. She made me promise to hold no -communication with her during that time, and agreed that if we were -still of the same mind when they came back, she would withdraw the -opposition and let us be properly engaged. - -MRS. DOT. - -An announcement in the _Morning Post_ and all that sort of thing? - -GERALD. - -I suppose so. - -MRS. DOT. - -And when are they coming back? - -GERALD. - -They came back last week. But I haven’t had a chance of speaking to -Nellie yet. The year is up to-day, and this morning I had a note from -Lady Sellenger asking if they might come to tea. - -MRS. DOT. - -And what are you going to say to her? - -GERALD. - -Good heavens! What can I say? I was poor enough a year ago, but now I’m -penniless. I’m bound to ask for my release. - -MRS. DOT. - -Then why on earth have you been trying to make me utterly miserable? - -GERALD. - -You know, I don’t want to seem an awful prig, but I don’t think I should -much like doing anything shabby. If Nellie wants me to keep my promise I -shan’t draw back. - -MRS. DOT. - -Oh, but she won’t. She’ll be only too glad to get rid of you. - -GERALD. - -I’m afraid there’s something else I must tell you. - -MRS. DOT. - -More? Don’t say you’ve got a horrible past, because I shan’t turn a -hair. - -GERALD. - -No, it’s not that. You know that Lord Hollington is a relation of mine. - -MRS. DOT. - -Only a fifteenth cousin, isn’t he? Far too distant to brag about. - -GERALD. - -A year ago three lives stood between me and the peerage. It seemed -impossible that I could ever come into anything. - -MRS. DOT. - -Well? - -GERALD. - -But last winter my cousin George unfortunately broke his neck in the -hunting-field, and his poor old father died of the shock. If anything -happened to my cousin Charles everything would come to me. - -MRS. DOT. - -And Lady Sellenger would doubtless withdraw her opposition to your -marriage. - -GERALD. - -She’s a very nice woman, but she has rather a keen eye for the main -chance. - -MRS. DOT. - -Even her best friend would hesitate to call her disinterested. But why -should anything happen to Lord Hollington? He’s quite young, isn’t he? I -saw his engagement announced in the _Morning Post_ a little while ago. - -GERALD. - -He’s out in India at this moment. He’s a soldier, you know. It appears -there’s some trouble on the North-West Frontier, and he’s in command of -the expedition. - -MRS. DOT. - -Oh, but nothing is going to happen to him. He’ll live till he’s eighty. - -GERALD. - -I’m sure I hope he will. - -MRS. DOT. - -Say again that you love me, Gerald. - -GERALD. - -[_Smiling._] I oughtn’t to yet. - -MRS. DOT. - -You know, you’ve got to marry me. I insist upon it. After all, you’ve -been trifling with my affections shamefully. Oh, we shall be so happy, -Gerald. And we’ll never grow any older than we are now. You know, I’m an -awfully good sort, really. I talk a lot of nonsense, but I don’t mean -it. I very seldom listen to it myself. I’m sick of society. I want to -settle down and be domesticated. I’ll sit at home and darn your socks. -And I shall hate it, and I shall be so happy. And if you want to be -independent you can have a job at the brewery. We want a smart energetic -man to keep us up to the times. And we’ll have a lovely box at the -opera, and you can always get away for the shooting. - - [_A ring is heard._ - -GERALD. - -There they are. - -MRS. DOT. - -Good heavens! I quite forgot about those wretched people in there. - - [_She opens the door of the dining-room._ - -MRS. DOT. - -I don’t want to disturb you, but if you’ve quite finished your -conversation perhaps you’d like to come and have tea. - - [BLENKINSOP _and_ FREDDIE _come in and go to the fire_. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I observe with interest that your remark is facetious. - -FREDDIE. - -I’m simply freezing. - -MRS. DOT. - -You didn’t mind being shut up in there, did you? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Not at all. I rather like sitting in an arctic room without a fire, with -a window looking on a blank wall, and the society of your nephew and the -_Sporting Times_ of the week before last as my only means of -entertainment. - - [CHARLES _enters to announce the_ SELLENGERS. _He goes out and - brings in the tea._ - -CHARLES. - -Lady and Miss Sellenger. - - [_Enter_ LADY SELLENGER _and_ NELLIE. LADY SELLENGER _is a pompous - woman of fifty, stout, alert and clever_. NELLIE _is very pretty - and graceful, and fashionably gowned. She appears to be much under - her mother’s influence._ - -LADY SELLENGER. - -How d’you do? Ah, Mrs. Worthley! Delightful! - -GERALD. - -[_Shaking hands._] How d’you do? I think you know Mr. Blenkinsop? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Of course. But I don’t approve of him. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Why not? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Because you’re a cynic, a millionaire, and a bachelor. And no man has -the right to be all three. - -MRS. DOT. - -And how did you like Italy? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -A grossly over-rated place. So many marriageable daughters and so few -eligible men. - -GERALD. - -[_Introducing._] Mr. Perkins, Lady Sellenger--Miss Sellenger. - -MRS. DOT. - -My nephew and my secretary. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Really. How very interesting! Almost romantic. - -FREDDIE. - -How d’you do? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Dear Mrs. Worthley, what a charming gown! You always wear such--striking -things. - -MRS. DOT. - -It advertises the beer, don’t you know. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -I wish I could drink it, Mrs. Worthley, but it’s so fattening. I -understand you always have it on your table. - -MRS. DOT. - -I think that’s the least I can do, as it’s only on account of the beer -that I can have a table at all. - -NELLIE. - -[_To_ MRS. DOT.] May I give you some tea? - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Going to the tea-table._] Thanks so much. - - [GERALD _comes over to_ LADY SELLENGER _with a cup. She takes it. - The others are gathered round the tea-table, which is right at the - back, and talk among themselves._ - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Come and sit by me, Gerald. I’ve not had a word with you since we came -back from Italy. - -GERALD. - -[_Lightly._] What are you going to say to me? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -You can guess why I wrote to ask if we might come and see you to-day? - -GERALD. - -[_Rising._] Yes. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Now do sit down. And look as if you were talking of the weather. - -GERALD. - -It’s a little difficult to discuss the matter quite indifferently. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -My dear boy, it’s the little difficulties of life which prevent it from -being dull. We should be no better than the beasts of the field if we -had no anxieties about our soul and our position in society. - -GERALD. - -I see. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -[_Rather impatiently._] My dear Gerald, why don’t you help me? What I -have to say is so very unpleasant. You know I have always had a most -sincere affection for you. Under other circumstances I would have wanted -no better son-in-law. - -GERALD. - -It’s very kind of you to say so. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -I’ve assured you for the last three years that a marriage was absurd, -and now I want to tell you that it’s impossible. Love is all very well -in its way, but it doesn’t make up for a shabby house in the suburbs. - -GERALD. - -You’re not romantic, Lady Sellenger. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -My dear, when you reach my age you’ll agree with me that it’s only the -matter of fact which really signifies. Love in a cottage is a delusion -of youth. It’s difficult enough after ten years of solid matrimony in -Grosvenor Square. - -GERALD. - -You married for love, Lady Sellenger. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -I’m anxious that my daughter shouldn’t make the same mistake. Now let us -be quite frank with one another.... Are you sure they’re not listening? - -GERALD. - -[_Glancing at the others._] They seem very much occupied with their own -affairs. What is your ultimatum? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Well, Gerald, I’m not in the least mercenary. I know that money can’t -give happiness. But I do feel that unless you have at least two thousand -a year you can’t make my daughter even comfortable. - -GERALD. - -I’m sure that’s very modest. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -It’s not love in a cottage. It’s not love in a palace. It’s -just--matrimony in Onslow Gardens. - -GERALD. - -I may as well tell you at once that I’ve had very bad luck. I wanted to -make money, and I’ve come an absolute cropper. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -My dear Gerald, I’m very sorry. Is it as bad as all that? - -GERALD. - -It couldn’t be much worse. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Dear me, that’s very sad. But, of course, it simplifies matters, doesn’t -it? - -GERALD. - -Enormously. It puts marriage entirely out of the question and leaves -only one course open to me. I’ll take the earliest opportunity to ask -Nellie for my release. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -What a pity it is you’re so poor! Your principles are really excellent. - -GERALD. - -But what about Nellie? How will she take it? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -She’s so reserved, poor dear! She never speaks of her feelings. But -after three London seasons most girls have learnt to bow to the -inevitable. And how is Lord Hollington? - -GERALD. - -He’s to be married as soon as he comes back from India. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -It was dreadfully sad that his uncle and his cousin should die within a -year. If anything happened to him you’d be in very different -circumstances. But, of course, it would be wicked to wish it. I hope you -never do. - -GERALD. - -Never. I trust he’ll live to a hundred. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -And I daresay he’ll have fifteen children. Those delicate men often -do.... Why don’t you speak to Nellie now and get it over? - -GERALD. - -This very minute? With others in the room? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -That’s just it, I want to give neither of you any opportunity for -sentiment. - -GERALD. - -You’re certainly very practical. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -No woman can afford to be sentimental when she has a marriageable -daughter.... For heaven’s sake don’t make Nellie cry, we’re dining out -to-night. - -GERALD. - -I’ll do my best to be very matter of fact. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -[_Raising her voice._] Mr. Blenkinsop, I want to quarrel with you! - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Coming forward._] You fill me with consternation. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -You passed us in Pall Mall this afternoon and you cut us dead. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I’m so sorry, I didn’t see you. I’d just been to the War Office to -inquire if there was any news of those fellows out in India. By the way, -Halstane, isn’t Hollington a relation of yours? - -GERALD. - -Yes, why? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Haven’t you seen anything in the paper? - -GERALD. - -No. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Oh, but surely. There’s sure to be something about it in the -_Westminster_. - - [_He takes up the paper._ - -GERALD. - -That’s an early one. - - [_Faintly are heard the cries of “Special.”_ - -FREDDIE. - -Listen, there’s the last edition coming along. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -But what is it, Mr. Blenkinsop? - -BLENKINSOP. - -A small force was sent out to punish some local people up in the hills, -who’d been making themselves troublesome, and it hasn’t been heard of -since. The idea is that there may have been some trouble and they’ve all -got cut up. - -MRS. DOT. - -But how does it concern Lord Hollington? - -BLENKINSOP. - -He was in command of it. - -GERALD. - -Good God! - -BLENKINSOP. - -When I was there a couple of hours ago the War Office had no news at -all. - -GERALD. - -But why didn’t you tell me about it? - -BLENKINSOP. - -I thought you knew. I’d forgotten for the moment that Hollington had -anything to do with you. He’s a very distant relation, isn’t he? - -GERALD. - -Yes, I hardly know him. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -But if anything has happened to him.... - - [_Cries outside of “Special, Special.”_ - -MRS. DOT. - -Why don’t you get a paper? Freddie, run and get one, will you? - -GERALD. - -No, Charles can go. - - [_He rings, and_ CHARLES _immediately comes in_. - -GERALD. - -Oh, Charles, get a paper at once. Hurry up! - -CHARLES. - -Very good, sir. - - [_He goes out. Outside, cries of “Terrible catastrophe in India.”_ - -GERALD. - -By Jove, did you hear that? - - [_Cries of “Special, Special.”_ - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Why doesn’t he make haste? - -GERALD. - -Nonsense. It can’t have anything to do with Hollington. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_With her hand on his arm, anxiously._] Gerald. - - [FREDDIE PERKINS _is looking out of the window_. - -FREDDIE. - -Here’s Charles. By Jove, he isn’t hurrying himself much. - -GERALD. - -Has he got a newsboy? - -FREDDIE. - -Yes. What the deuce is he doing? - -GERALD. - -[_At the window._] Good lord, he’s reading the paper. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -The suspense is too awful. - -FREDDIE. - -There’s another newsboy running down the street. - - [_Cries of “Special, Special.”_ - -GERALD. - -Thank God, he’s coming upstairs at last. I should like to kick him. - - [_Cries of “Terrible catastrophe in India. ’Eroic death of Lord - ’Ollington.”_ - -Good God! - - [_They all remain in silence, full of consternation._ CHARLES - _enters with the paper_. - -Hurry up, man! What the deuce have you been doing? - - [_He snatches the paper from him._ - -CHARLES. - -[_With dignity._] I made all the ’aste I could, my lord. - - [GERALD _stops for a moment from looking up and down the paper, and - stares at him_. - -GERALD. - -What the dickens d’you mean? - - [_He looks at the paper, reads, and drops it._ - -MRS. DOT. - -Is it true, Gerald? - - [_He looks at her and nods._ - -GERALD. - -Poor chap. And just as he was going to be married. - -CHARLES. - -Shall I bring your hat and coat, my lord? - -GERALD. - -What on earth are you talking about? - -CHARLES. - -I thought your lordship would like to go round to the War Office. - -GERALD. - -Shut up! - - [_Exit_ CHARLES. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -My dear boy, I congratulate you with all my heart. - -GERALD. - -Oh, don’t remind me of that already. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -I can quite understand you’re a little upset, but after all he was only -a very distant relation of yours. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I don’t understand what all this means. - -GERALD. - -Didn’t you hear that fool of a servant? It was the first thing he -thought of. - -MRS. DOT. - -Gerald succeeds to the peerage! - -GERALD. - -Yes. - -MRS. DOT. - -Wouldn’t you like us to leave you alone? I’m sure you want to think -things out a bit? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Come, Nellie! - -GERALD. - -I’m sorry to turn you out. Good-bye. I had something to say to you, -Nellie. - -NELLIE. - -We’ve not had a chance of speaking to one another. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -[_Unctuously._] It’s very fortunate. Now you’ll have much pleasanter -things to talk about. - - [_He stares at her without understanding._ - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Things are very different now, Gerald. It just came in time, didn’t it? - -NELLIE. - -Good-bye. - - [LADY SELLENGER _and_ NELLIE _go out_. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Good-bye, old man, I’m sorry your cousin has had such an awful death. -But after all, we none of us knew him and we do know you. I can’t tell -you how glad I am that all your difficulties are at an end. - -GERALD. - -I would give my right hand to bring Hollington back to life again. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Good-bye. - - [_He goes out._ - -MRS. DOT. - -Go away, Freddie. I want to talk to Gerald. - -FREDDIE. - -Good-bye, old man. I say, what a nice girl Miss Sellenger is! - -GERALD. - -Good-bye. - - [FREDDIE _goes out_. - -MRS. DOT. - -Well? - -GERALD. - -The news has come just an hour too soon. It’s bound me hand and foot. - -MRS. DOT. - -What d’you mean by that? - -GERALD. - -Nellie accepted me when I was poor and of no account. Now that I’m well -off I can’t go to her and say: I’ve changed my mind and don’t want to -marry you. - -MRS. DOT. - -What d’you mean by being well off? - -GERALD. - -I believe I shall have six or seven thousand a year. - -MRS. DOT. - -But you can’t live on that. It’s absurd. - -GERALD. - -[_With a smile._] There are people who live on much less, you know. - -MRS. DOT. - -Besides, she doesn’t care for you in the least. I could see that at a -glance. - -GERALD. - -How? - -MRS. DOT. - -A girl who loved you wouldn’t have a skirt cut like that. - -GERALD. - -I can’t draw back now, Dot. You must see that I can’t. - -MRS. DOT. - -If you cared for me, you’d easily find some way out of the difficulty. - -GERALD. - -I must be honest, Dot.... I don’t want to seem a snob, but I’ve got an -ancient name, and it’s rather honourable. I’m by way of being the head -of the family now. I don’t want to begin by acting like a cad. - -MRS. DOT. - -You know, I’m much nicer than Nellie. I’m more amusing, and I’m better -dressed, and I’ve got five motor cars. It’s true she’s younger than I -am, but I don’t feel a day more than seventeen. [_With a little look at -him._] And if you had any sense of decency at all you’d say I looked it. -You said you loved me just now. Say it again, Gerald. It’s so good to -hear. - -GERALD. - -I don’t see how we can help ourselves. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Beginning to lose her temper._] I suppose you just want to finish an -awkward scene? I don’t want to harrow you. Why don’t you go to the War -Office? - -GERALD. - -You must see it’s not my fault. If we must part, let us part friends. - -MRS. DOT. - -Now, I declare he wants to sentimentalise. Isn’t it enough that you’ve -made me frightfully unhappy? D’you want me to say it doesn’t matter at -all, as if you’d spilt a cup of tea on me? D’you think I like being -utterly wretched? - -GERALD. - -For heaven’s sake, don’t talk like that. You’re tearing my heart to -pieces. - -MRS. DOT. - -_Your_ heart? I should like to bang it on the floor and stamp on it. You -must expect to suffer a little. You can’t put it all on me. - -GERALD. - -I don’t want you to suffer. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_In a temper._] You were willing enough to marry me when you hadn’t got -sixpence to bless yourself with. How fortunate your cousin didn’t die a -week later! - -GERALD. - -Do you think I was proposing to marry you for your money? - -MRS. DOT. - -Yes. - -GERALD. - -Really? - -MRS. DOT. - -No, of course not. - -GERALD. - -Thanks. - -MRS. DOT. - -Oh, you needn’t take it as a compliment. I’d much sooner have to deal -with a clever knave than an honest fool. - -GERALD. - -Won’t you say that you bear me no ill-will? - -MRS. DOT. - -No. - -GERALD. - -I really must go to the War Office. - -MRS. DOT. - -Very well, you can go. - -GERALD. - -Won’t you come with me? - -MRS. DOT. - -No. - -GERALD. - -I’m afraid you’ll get rather bored here. - - [_He rings the bell, and_ CHARLES _comes in_. - -CHARLES. - -Yes, my lord. - -GERALD. - -I want my hat and coat. - - [CHARLES _goes out_. - -MRS. DOT. - -Do you care for Nellie Sellenger? - -GERALD. - -If you don’t mind, I won’t answer that question. Unless she asks for her -freedom, I propose to marry her. - - [CHARLES _brings in the hat and coat_. MRS. DOT _watches him while - he puts them on_. - -GERALD. - -Good-bye. - - [_He goes out._ MRS. DOT _turns round and faces_ CHARLES. - -MRS. DOT. - -Charles, have you ever been married? - -CHARLES. - -Twice, madam. - -MRS. DOT. - -And has experience taught you that when a woman wants a thing she -generally gets it? - -CHARLES. - -[_With a sigh._] It has, madam. - -MRS. DOT. - -That is my opinion, too, Charles. - -[_She goes out._ CHARLES _begins to clear the tea things away_. - - -END OF THE FIRST ACT - - - - -THE SECOND ACT - - - _The terrace of_ MRS. DOT’S _house on the River. There are masses - of rose trees in full flower. At the back is the house, covered - with creepers._ - - _A table is set out for luncheon, with four chairs._ - - MISS MACGREGOR _is sitting in a garden chair, sewing. She is an - elderly, quiet woman, thin, somewhat angular, good-humoured and - amiable._ - - MRS. DOT _is walking up and down impatiently_. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -My dear, why don’t you sit down and rest yourself? I’m sure you’ve -walked at least ten miles up and down this terrace. - -MRS. DOT. - -I’m in a temper. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -That must be obvious to the meanest intelligence. - -MRS. DOT. - -Have you read the paper to-day? - -AUNT ELIZA. - -I’ve tried to, but as you’ve spent most of the morning in stamping on -it, I haven’t had much success. - -MRS. DOT. - -Then I beg you to listen to this: [_Taking up a “Morning Post” and -reading it._] A marriage has been arranged between Lord Hollington and -Eleanor, only daughter of the late General Sir Robert Sellenger. - - [_She crumples up the paper and stamps on it._ - -AUNT ELIZA. - -That’s the twenty-third time you’ve read this announcement to me. I -assure you that it’s beginning to lose its novelty. - -MRS. DOT. - -You can’t deny that it’s rather annoying to take up your paper in the -morning and discover an official announcement that the man you’ve made -up your mind to marry is taking serious steps to marry somebody else. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -But would you tell me why you want to marry him? - -MRS. DOT. - -Why does anybody ever want to marry anybody? - -AUNT ELIZA. - -That is a question to which during the fifty-five years of my life I’ve -been totally unable to discover an answer. - -MRS. DOT. - -Well, because he’s clever, and handsome, and amusing. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -He’s not really very clever, you know. - -MRS. DOT. - -Of course he isn’t. He’s as stupid as an owl. I’ve told him so till I’m -blue in the face. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -And he’s not really very good-looking, is he? - -MRS. DOT. - -On the contrary, I think he’s rather plain. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -I suppose you find him amusing? - -MRS. DOT. - -Not at all. I find him dull. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -Then, perhaps, you can find me some other explanation. - -MRS. DOT. - -Well, I’m head over ears in love with him. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -But why, my dear? Why? - -MRS. DOT. - -Because I am. That’s the most conclusive reason possible. And I’ve set -my heart on marrying him. And the more obstacles there are the more I -mean to marry him. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -I can’t imagine why you hadn’t the sense to fall in love with one of the -various eligible persons who want to marry you. - -MRS. DOT. - -But he _does_ want to marry me. He’s desperately in love with me. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -I should have thought he could find a better way of showing it than by -getting engaged to somebody else. - -MRS. DOT. - -He’s a sentimentalist, like all his sex. Good heavens, what a mess the -world would get into if it weren’t for the practical common sense of the -average women. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -And what do you propose to do? - -MRS. DOT. - -That’s just it. I don’t in the least know. They’ll all be here in half -an hour, and I haven’t the shadow of a scheme. I lie awake all night -racking my brains, and I can’t think of anything. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -Why did you ask them to come here? - -MRS. DOT. - -I thought I might hit upon something if they were under my eyes. Gerald -had promised to spend Whitsun with me and, so that he shouldn’t put me -off, I asked the Sellengers, too. Lady Sellenger was only too glad to -get a week’s board and lodging for nothing. [_The sound is heard of a -motor stopping._] There’s Jimmie Blenkinsop. I told you he was going to -motor down in time for luncheon, didn’t I? [BLENKINSOP _comes in with_ -FREDDIE. FREDDIE _has on a gay tweed suit_.] Jimmie! - -BLENKINSOP. - -How d’you do? - - [_He shakes hands with_ MRS. DOT _and_ AUNT ELIZA. - -MRS. DOT. - -Now we’ll have luncheon. You must be starving with hunger. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You must let me wash first. - -MRS. DOT. - -No, we’re all far too hungry. Freddie will go and wash his hands for -you. - - [_She rings half a dozen times quickly on a little bell on the - table._ - -FREDDIE. - -I shall be back in one minute. - - [_He goes out._ - -MRS. DOT. - -Now sit down. I’m perfectly ravenous. - - [THE BUTLER _and the_ FOOTMAN _bring in luncheon, which is eaten - during the next scene_. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -I perceive that the tender passion hasn’t in the least interfered with -your appetite. - -MRS. DOT. - -Oh, my dear James, I’m so unhappy. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You look it. - -MRS. DOT. - -By the way, how do I look? - -BLENKINSOP. - -All right. You’ve changed your cook. - -MRS. DOT. - -Hang my cook. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I wouldn’t if I were you. She’s very good. - -MRS. DOT. - -Of course you’ll drink the family ale? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Of course I’ll do nothing of the kind. - -MRS. DOT. - -You know it’s one of my principles to have it on the table. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Yes, but it’s one of my principles not to drink it. I seem to remember -that you have some particularly fine hock. - -MRS. DOT. - -Jimmie, have you never been in love? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Never, thank God. - -MRS. DOT. - -I don’t believe it. Every one’s in love. I’m in love. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Not with me, I trust. - -MRS. DOT. - -You perfect idiot. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Not at all. I should think it very natural. - -MRS. DOT. - -I wonder why you never married, James. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Because I have a considerable gift for repartee. I discovered in my -early youth that men propose not because they want to marry, but because -on certain occasions they are entirely at a loss for topics of -conversation. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -[_Smiling._] It was a momentous discovery. - -BLENKINSOP. - -No sooner had I made it than I began to cultivate my power of small -talk. I felt that my only chance was to be ready with appropriate -subjects at the shortest notice, and I spent a considerable part of my -last year at Oxford in studying the best masters. - -MRS. DOT. - -I never noticed that you were particularly brilliant. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I never played for brilliancy. I played for safety. I flatter myself -that when prattle was needed I have never been found wanting. I have met -the ingenuity of sweet seventeen with a few observations on Free Trade, -while the haggard efforts of thirty have struggled in vain against a -brief exposition of the higher philosophy. The skittish widow of -uncertain age has retired in disorder before a complete acquaintance -with the restoration dramatists, and I have routed the serious spinster -with religious leanings by my remarkable knowledge of the results of -missionary endeavour in Central Africa. Once a dowager sought to ask me -my intentions, but I flung at her astonished head an entire article from -the “Encyclopædia Britannica.” These are only my serious efforts. I need -not tell you how often I have evaded a flash of the eyes by an epigram -or ignored a sigh by an apt quotation from the poets. - -MRS. DOT. - -I don’t believe a word you say. I believe you never married for the -simple reason that nobody would have you. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Do me the justice to acknowledge that I’m the only man who’s known you -ten days without being tempted by your preposterous income to offer you -his hand and heart. - -MRS. DOT. - -I don’t believe my income has anything to do with it. I put it down -entirely to my very considerable personal attractions. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -Here is Freddie, at last. What has he been doing? - - [FREDDIE _comes in, having changed into flannels_. - -MRS. DOT. - -Why on earth have you changed your clothes? - -FREDDIE. - -[_Sitting down at table._] I regard it as part of my duties as your -secretary to look nice. - -MRS. DOT. - -I don’t know that I think it essential for you to put on seven different -suits a day. - -FREDDIE. - -I thought Miss Sellenger would probably like to go on the river before -tea. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -If she does, it’s more likely to be with Lord Hollington than with you. - -FREDDIE. - -Oh, that’s rot. Gerald’s an awfully good sort, but he’s not the sort of -chap a girl’s desperately fond of. - -MRS. DOT. - -You think that, do you? - -FREDDIE. - -Well, you can’t see yourself falling in love with him can you? - -MRS. DOT. - -No. No. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -And what is the sort of man a girl’s desperately fond of? - -FREDDIE. - -Oh, I don’t know. [_Taking up a spoon and looking at himself, twisting -an infinitesimal moustache._] I should think some one a bit younger than -Gerald. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_With a little shriek._] You! - -FREDDIE. - -You needn’t be so surprised. One might do worse, you know. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_To_ AUNT ELIZA _pointing with a scornful finger at_ FREDDIE.] Do you -think any one could possibly fall in love with that? - -AUNT ELIZA. - -Of course not. - -FREDDIE. - -I say, come now. That’s a bit thick. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_To_ BLENKINSOP.] If you were a young and lovely maiden would you fall -in love with Freddie? - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Looking at him doubtfully._] Well, if you ask me point blank I don’t -think I should. - -FREDDIE. - -You’re all of you jolly supercilious. - -MRS. DOT. - -He’s not positively plain, is he? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Not positively. - -FREDDIE. - -Look here, you shut up. I bet I could cut you out with any girl you like -to mention. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Rubbish! - -MRS. DOT. - -I daresay he can whisper nonsense in a woman’s ear as well as any one -else. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -It’s born in them, the brutes. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Pooh! I wouldn’t waste my time on whispering nonsense. I’d just send my -pass-book round by a messenger boy. - -FREDDIE. - -Well, I flatter myself Miss Sellenger will be much more pleased to see -_me_ than to see anybody else down here. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You’ve only seen her once. - -FREDDIE. - -She’s a jolly nice girl, I can tell you that. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Ironically._] I suppose she squeezed your hand when you went away? - -FREDDIE. - -Well, it so happens, she did. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You needn’t be set up about it, because she squeezed mine, too. It’s -evidently a habit. - -FREDDIE. - -Yours! What rot! - - [MRS. DOT _has been staring at him, with both elbows on the table. - A servant is standing at her side with a tray on which is the - coffee._ - -AUNT ELIZA. - -Thompson is offering you some coffee, my dear. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Absently._] Take it away. - -FREDDIE. - -What on earth are you staring at? Isn’t my tie all right? - -MRS. DOT. - -You certainly are rather good-looking. I’ve never noticed it before. - -FREDDIE. - -It’s no good, you know. You’re my aunt, and the prayer book wouldn’t let -you marry me. - -MRS. DOT. - -Now I come to think of it, I daresay you’re quite grown up to any one -who didn’t know you in Etons. - -FREDDIE. - -I don’t know what on earth you’re talking about. - -MRS. DOT. - -I suppose a girl might quite easily fall in love with you. It had never -occurred to me. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Which means that you’ve found him a wife, and you’re going to marry him -to some one whether he likes it or not. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Suddenly._] Freddie. - -FREDDIE. - -Hulloa! - -MRS. DOT. - -Go away and play. - -FREDDIE. - -Hang it all, I want to drink my coffee. - -MRS. DOT. - -Go and make a mud pie in the garden. There’s a dear. - - [_A bell is heard ringing loudly._ - -AUNT ELIZA. - -There they are! - -MRS. DOT. - -Come on! - - [_They all get up._ MRS. DOT _and_ AUNT ELIZA _go out_. FREDDIE - _and_ BLENKINSOP _light cigarettes_. - -FREDDIE. - -What’s the matter with my virtuous aunt? - -BLENKINSOP. - -How old are you, dear boy? - -FREDDIE. - -Twenty-two. Why? - -BLENKINSOP. - -The delightful age when it’s still possible to feel desperately wicked. -But you are old enough to have learnt that the moods of women are -inscrutable. - -FREDDIE. - -Oh, rot! I never met a woman whom I couldn’t read at a glance. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Ironically._] Really? - -FREDDIE. - -You know, they talk about the incomprehensibility of women, but it’s all -humbug. - -BLENKINSOP. - -When you see a blank wall, does it _ever_ occur to you that there’s -anything on the other side? - - [MRS. DOT _and_ AUNT ELIZA _come in with_ LADY SELLENGER, NELLIE - _and_ HOLLINGTON. _They are all talking._ - -LADY SELLENGER. - -We had a delightful journey. Oh, how beautiful your garden is! So -romantic. I love romance. - -BLENKINSOP. - -When it’s backed by an adequate income. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -How d’you do? You cynic. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I’m nothing of the sort. But I occasionally tell the truth. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -You’re the most cynical man in London, and I’m frightened to death of -you. - -BLENKINSOP. - -There’s nothing the world loves more than a ready-made description which -they can hang on to a man, and so save themselves all trouble in future. -When I was quite young it occurred to some one that I was a cynic, and -since then I’ve never been able to remark that it was a fine day without -being accused of odious cynicism. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -My dear Mr. Blenkinsop, what every one says is always true. That is one -of the foundations of society. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I gained my reputation by remarking once that it was possible for a -penniless young man who married a very rich woman old enough to be his -mother to be genuinely in love with her. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -I think it was a very cynical observation. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_To_ LADY SELLENGER.] You know my nephew, don’t you? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -How d’you do? I think we met at dear Gerald’s a week or two ago. - -FREDDIE. - -[_Shaking hands._] How d’you do? [_To_ NELLIE.] Have you quite forgotten -me? - -NELLIE. - -Not quite! - -FREDDIE. - -Jolly day, isn’t it? - -NELLIE. - -Awfully jolly. - - [MRS. DOT _watches them as they shake hands_. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -[_To_ LADY SELLENGER.] Would you like me to show you your rooms? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Thanks, so much. - -MRS. DOT. - -Freddie, is Gerald’s room ready? - -FREDDIE. - -Yes, I think so. I’ll just go and find out. - - [_He goes out._ - -MRS. DOT. - -I was so delighted to see the announcement in the morning’s paper. I -offer my very warmest congratulations. - -NELLIE. - -Thanks, so much. - -MRS. DOT. - -I’ve known Gerald for ages. I’m delighted to see him on the way to such -a happy marriage. I couldn’t have wished him to get engaged to any one -nicer than you. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -It’s all so romantic, isn’t it? It ought to be an answer to a cynical -creature like you to see the course of true love run so smoothly. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_To_ GERALD.] I offer you also my best congratulations. I think you’re -very lucky. - -GERALD. - -[_Stiffly._] Thank you, very much. I suppose I have my usual room? - -MRS. DOT. - -Yes. - - [_He goes into the house._ LADY SELLENGER _and_ NELLIE _accompany_ - AUNT ELIZA. MRS. DOT _is left alone with_ BLENKINSOP. - -James! - -BLENKINSOP. - -Hulloa! - -MRS. DOT. - -Do you love me? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Passionately. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Stamping her foot._] Don’t be so silly. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You can’t expect me to be so uncivil as to say no. - -MRS. DOT. - -But I’m perfectly serious. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Are you, by Jove? That alters the matter. In that case the answer is in -the negative. - -MRS. DOT. - -And is there the least chance of your falling in love with me? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Not so long as I remain in full possession of my senses. - -MRS. DOT. - -Do you want to marry me? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Really you embarrass me very much. - -MRS. DOT. - -Don’t hedge. - -BLENKINSOP. - -It’s a little disconcerting to have a pistol put to your head in the -form of a proposal of marriage. - -MRS. DOT. - -I’m not making you a proposal of marriage, idiot. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Then I should very much like to know what you are doing. - -MRS. DOT. - -I’m asking you a very simple and ordinary question. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Thank God, it’s not one that women ask often. - -MRS. DOT. - -I never saw any one out of whom it’s harder to get a straight answer. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You must make allowances for a pardonable agitation. - -MRS. DOT. - -James, do you want to marry me? - -BLENKINSOP. - -No, bless you! - -MRS. DOT. - -Are you quite sure? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Positive. - -MRS. DOT. - -Would nothing induce you to marry me? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Nothing. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_With a sigh of relief._] Then you may kiss my hand. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Doing so._] You’re not hurt? - -MRS. DOT. - -I’m infinitely relieved. - -BLENKINSOP. - -And Freddie, the dear boy, says he can read a woman at a glance. - -MRS. DOT. - -Now listen to me quite seriously. I want you to do something for me. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Nervously._] We’ve put marriage out of the question, haven’t we? - -MRS. DOT. - -Certainly. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Generously._] You may ask anything else of me. - -MRS. DOT. - -I want you to let me make love to you. - -BLENKINSOP. - -My dear friend, this is very surprising. - -MRS. DOT. - -There are people who’d welcome the proposal with alacrity. - -BLENKINSOP. - -For how long? - -MRS. DOT. - -Only for a week. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You’re sure it’s not in earnest? - -MRS. DOT. - -Quite sure. - -BLENKINSOP. - -And what have I got to do? - -MRS. DOT. - -Well, you’ve got to look as if you liked it. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Sombrely._] Of course, it sounds very delightful. - -MRS. DOT. - -You must show a coming-on disposition, you know, or I can do nothing. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Do you want me to make love to _you_? - -MRS. DOT. - -I’m afraid it’s asking a great deal of you. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Not at all. Not at all. But I wish you’d tell me what your little game -is. - -MRS. DOT. - -Ah, here’s Aunt Eliza. The very person I wanted. [AUNT ELIZA _comes on -the terrace from the house. Impulsively._] Aunt Eliza, will you be a -perfect brick? Will you do something for me, that’s an awful nuisance? - -AUNT ELIZA. - -My dear, why on earth are you so excited? Of course I’ll do anything in -reason for you. - -MRS. DOT. - -But it’s not in reason. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -Well, I’ll do it all the same. - -MRS. DOT. - -I want you to take a motor and bolt up to London and get a special -licence. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -A special licence! - -BLENKINSOP. - -A special licence! - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Catching sight of his face._] Get two special licences. They’re always -useful things to have in a house. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -But they must be made out to certain names. - -MRS. DOT. - -Must they? How stupid! Well, have one made out for Frederick Perkins and -Eleanor Sellenger. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -My dear child, you must be crazy. - -MRS. DOT. - -Now don’t argue, but do as I tell you. If two young things are thrown -together with a certain amount of skill they always marry. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -But they hardly know one another. - -MRS. DOT. - -If people waited to know one another before they married, the world -wouldn’t be so grossly over-populated as it is now. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -You’re certainly quite crazy. - -MRS. DOT. - -No, I’m not. I shall never get Gerald to break his word. My only chance -is with Nellie. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Uneasily._] But you’ve told her to get two licences. - -MRS. DOT. - -Make the second one out in the names of James Blenkinsop and Frances -Annandale Worthley. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I absolutely refuse. - -MRS. DOT. - -But you must let me. You can’t leave an old friend in the lurch. - -BLENKINSOP. - -It’s all very fine to invoke the claims of friendship, but it’s carrying -it rather far when you pay three guineas for a special licence. - -MRS. DOT. - -My dear man, I can’t drag you to the altar. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I’m beginning to think you’re capable of anything. - -MRS. DOT. - -But don’t you see, you idiot, that I want to marry Gerald Hollington? -And I’m eating my heart out. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Crossly._] It’s evidently a diet that agrees with you. You’re growing -fat on it. - -MRS. DOT. - -Don’t be spiteful. I’ve not gained half a pound in the last five years. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -And how on earth are you going to get Freddie and Nellie Sellenger to -use this licence? - -MRS. DOT. - -Never mind, leave everything to me. And make haste to get up to London. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -Very well, I’ll go at once. - - [_Just as_ AUNT ELIZA _is going into the house_ LADY SELLENGER - _comes out, followed by_ NELLIE; AUNT ELIZA _stops and listens to - the conversation from the doorway_. - -MRS. DOT. - -I hope you’ve found everything you wanted. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Oh, yes, thanks. I’m quite delighted with the view from my room. - -MRS. DOT. - -Come and sit down. I have something very serious I want to talk to you -about. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Dear Mr. Blenkinsop, do take Nellie for a little stroll in the garden. - -MRS. DOT. - -Oh, but it concerns Nellie, and I want her to hear. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I perceive you are inclined to think that the serious cannot fail to be -improper, Lady Sellenger. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Be quiet, you horrible cynic. - -MRS. DOT. - -Well, a most ridiculous thing has happened, and I want Nellie to help -me. - -NELLIE. - -Me? - -MRS. DOT. - -My dear, it’s so unfortunate, but my nephew has fallen head over ears in -love with you. - -NELLIE. - -Nonsense! - -MRS. DOT. - -I can’t understand it. After all, he’s only seen you once, and you can’t -have exchanged more than a dozen words. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -How very annoying! - -MRS. DOT. - -And it’s so unexpected, because he’s not at all the sort of boy who -falls in and out of love with every pretty girl he meets. I think you’re -his first passion, and he’s inclined to take it very seriously. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Poor boy, I can afford to sympathise with him now that Nellie is safely -engaged to Gerald Hollington. - -NELLIE. - -It’s really rather flattering, isn’t it? But how on earth d’you know? - -MRS. DOT. - -He tells me everything. You see I’ve always tried to be his friend as -well as his aunt. He has no secrets from me. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You’ll tell us next that a boy who’s been to Eton and Oxford has a pure -and innocent mind. - -MRS. DOT. - -My dear child, he simply raves about you. He’s been talking of nothing -else ever since you met. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -But doesn’t he know that Nellie is going to be married at the end of the -season? - -MRS. DOT. - -Of course, he does. I’ve dinned it into his ears, but it seems to have -no effect on him. He’s the sort of lover that will hear of no obstacles. -It’s really quite pathetic to hear the passionate harangues that he -pours into my ears. - -NELLIE. - -What sort of things does he say? - -MRS. DOT. - -My dear, I suppose very much the same as Gerald. - -NELLIE. - -No one could accuse Gerald of being a passionate lover. - -MRS. DOT. - -Really? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -I’m very glad he’s not. He’s going to be your husband, and that’s more -satisfactory than any amount of pretty speeches. - -NELLIE. - -I could wish that he talked to me of something besides the weather and -the Royal Academy. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -My dear child, what are you saying? Gerald has a charming nature and the -very highest principles. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Imitating her pompous manner._] To say nothing of a peerage and a -considerable income. - -MRS. DOT. - -He certainly has every advantage over poor Freddie, who is nobody in -particular and hasn’t a penny to bless himself with. - -NELLIE. - -I think he’s awfully nice. - -MRS. DOT. - -Well, that’s just what I don’t want you to think. I shouldn’t have said -anything to you about his--mad infatuation, only I want you to be very -careful. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Of course. It’s quite natural. - -NELLIE. - -What do you want me to do? - -MRS. DOT. - -Well, I want you to be very good and sweet and help me to cure him. I’d -send him away, only it would have no effect. I thought if he saw you -again he might find out that you have at least one or two faults. At -present he thinks you too perfect for words. - -NELLIE. - -I’m not that, really. - -MRS. DOT. - -I didn’t think you were. I want you to promise that you’ll do nothing -that he can in the least take as encouragement. I want you to be very -distant and very cold. - -NELLIE. - -Of course, I’ll be only too glad to do anything I can. - -MRS. DOT. - -You’d be doing him a real kindness if you could snub him at every -opportunity. Then you must avoid him as much as you can. Of course, -you’ll be very much with Gerald while you’re down here. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Of course. The dears, they’ve not seen one another for a year, and they -have an infinity of things to discuss. - -MRS. DOT. - -It’ll be quite easy for you to show my poor Freddie that he’s only -making a prodigious fool of himself. - -NELLIE. - -I feel so sorry for him. - -MRS. DOT. - -You will do what you can, won’t you? - -NELLIE. - -I’ll make it quite plain to him at once that he mustn’t care for me. - -MRS. DOT. - -Treat it as an impertinence that you resent. - -NELLIE. - -I’ll do that on the first opportunity. - -MRS. DOT. - -I know you have the sweetest nature in the world, but if you could be -really brutal to him at once, it would cure him instantly. - -NELLIE. - -I can be horrid when I like. - -MRS. DOT. - -I’m sure you can. I put infinite reliance in your tact. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -And now I think we really might take a little turn in the garden before -tea. [_Seeing that_ NELLIE, _instead of accompanying her, strolls -towards the house_.] Where are you going, Nellie? - -NELLIE. - -[_Stopping._] I’ve just remembered I must write a letter. I’ll join you -in five minutes. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -[_To_ BLENKINSOP _and_ MRS. DOT _who are getting up_.] Oh, don’t let me -disturb you, I shall enjoy wandering about and looking at the flowers by -myself. - - [_She goes away. Just as_ NELLIE _is entering the house_ FREDDIE - _comes out. She gives him a glance and as she passes, drops a - rose._ FREDDIE _picks it up and comes forward_. - -MRS. DOT. - -You monster! - -FREDDIE. - -What’s the matter? - -MRS. DOT. - -Give me that flower! - -FREDDIE. - -I shall do nothing of the sort. I shall put it in my button-hole. - -MRS. DOT. - -Freddie, I’ve come to the conclusion that you want a holiday. I wish you -to pack up your things at once and go to Brighton for a week. You’re -looking pale and tired. I’m sure you’ve been working too hard. - -FREDDIE. - -Oh, rot! I’m as fit as a fiddle. - -MRS. DOT. - -Don’t you agree with me, James? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Certainly. I think a change of air is distinctly indicated. - -FREDDIE. - -But I can’t go away when you’ve got people in the house. Besides, who’s -to look after your correspondence? - -MRS. DOT. - -My dear boy, your health is the chief thing. I should never forgive -myself if you came to any harm while you were my secretary. I’ll write -my letters myself. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Besides, I shall be here, and I’ll do all I can to help you. - -FREDDIE. - -I don’t believe I’m pale. - -MRS. DOT. - -You only have to look at yourself. - - [_She takes out a little pocket mirror and hands it to him._ - -BLENKINSOP. - -Let’s look at your tongue. [_He puts it out._] Tut, tut, tut. - -FREDDIE. - -Look here, there’s something behind this. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You’re too clever, my boy. - -FREDDIE. - -I see through your little game. Aunt Dot, you want to get rid of me. - -MRS. DOT. - -How can you be so absurd? - -FREDDIE. - -Now, I wonder what your reason is. - -MRS. DOT. - -Shall we tell him the truth? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Yes, perhaps you’d better. He’s a very bright boy. - -MRS. DOT. - -Well, the fact is, Freddie, a dreadful thing has happened. Poor Nellie -Sellenger is desperately in love with you. - -FREDDIE. - -I don’t see why you should want me to go away on that account. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Good lord, man, don’t be so self-satisfied. Aren’t you surprised, aren’t -you dumfounded that a pretty girl should fall in love with you? - -FREDDIE. - -I thought it meant something when she dropped that rose. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Bless my stars, the dolt takes it as a matter of course. - -FREDDIE. - -I’m awfully flattered and all that sort of thing. - -MRS. DOT. - -But not exactly surprised? - -FREDDIE. - -It’s not fair to ask a fellow a question like that. - -BLENKINSOP. - -At all events, you see now the necessity for depriving us for a time of -your charming society. - -FREDDIE. - -Nothing will induce me to desert a post of danger. I’m going to face the -music. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Don’t be such an ass. It’s not you we’re thinking of, it’s that -unfortunate girl. - -FREDDIE. - -I don’t know why you think she’s unfortunate. - -MRS. DOT. - -But, my dear boy, she’s engaged to Gerald Hollington. Don’t you see how -serious the whole thing is? The only chance is for you to go away. We -must try and make her forget you. - -FREDDIE. - -I don’t want to do anybody a bad turn. I wouldn’t do anything to queer -Gerald’s pitch for worlds. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You must combine with us in order to save her from herself. - -MRS. DOT. - -There’s no use in her eating her heart out for you, when she must -inevitably marry Gerald. - -FREDDIE. - -Poor old Gerald, I told you he wasn’t the sort of chap a girl would be -desperately in love with. - -BLENKINSOP. - -The acumen you have shown does credit to your years. - -FREDDIE. - -Still, you know, I don’t think it’s wise for me to go away. Don’t you -think it would be rather marked? And they always say that absence makes -the heart grow fonder. - -BLENKINSOP. - -It was a woman who invented that proverb. There’s no truth in it. - -MRS. DOT. - -What else can you suggest? The fact remains that Nellie must be cured of -this--of this passion. - -FREDDIE. - -My own idea is that the best thing is for me to hang on here as if I -knew nothing about it. I’ll take care to be very distant. I’ll ignore -her as much as I can. - -MRS. DOT. - -Will you promise to do that? - -FREDDIE. - -Yes, rather. I’ll let her see that I’m really a deuced dissipated dog. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Don’t let her think you’re too great a devil with the ladies, or -that’ll be the last straw. If there’s one thing a woman likes it’s a -really bad man. She’ll start reforming you, and then there’ll be no -holding her back. - -MRS. DOT. - -No, you must seem rather dull and stupid. Let her think you’re a bit of -a milksop. - - [FREDDIE _looks at them suspiciously_. - -FREDDIE. - -Look here, you’re not pulling my leg all the time, are you? - -MRS. DOT. - -My dear, I should never take such a liberty. - -FREDDIE. - -I don’t believe a word of what you’ve told me. Why should she care for -me? You’ve simply been humbugging me right and left. - - [_For a moment_ MRS. DOT _is taken aback, but she sees_ LADY - SELLENGER _coming through the garden with_ GERALD. - -MRS. DOT. - -Here’s Lady Sellenger. You won’t accuse her of trying to make a fool of -you. [LADY SELLENGER _and_ GERALD _appear_.] I’ve just been talking to -Freddie about--about your girl. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Oh yes. [_To_ FREDDIE.] My poor boy, you’re in a very difficult -position. - -FREDDIE. - -Then you know all about it, too? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -I really feel for you very much. You’ll want a great deal of tact and a -great deal of courage. But you must do your duty. - - [_She turns aside to_ BLENKINSOP. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_In an undertone to_ FREDDIE.] Now have I been pulling your leg? - -FREDDIE. - -Poor girl! - - [_He goes into the house._ - -LADY SELLENGER. - -[_Looking at him as he goes._] What a beautiful and touching thing love -is. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You must take care, Lady Sellenger. You’re growing sentimental. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -But I’ve always been as sentimental as a schoolgirl in my heart. Only, -so long as Nellie’s future was unarranged, I was obliged to keep a -tight hand on myself. - -MRS. DOT. - -Of course, Jimmie laughs; he doesn’t know what love is. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Have you never been loved for yourself, Mr. Blenkinsop? - -BLENKINSOP. - -I have, but I have always found it deuced expensive. - -GERALD. - -I’m afraid Blenkinsop doesn’t set much store on the gentle sex. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Don’t call them gentle. They’re very much rougher than men. - -MRS. DOT. - -Stop him, or he’ll utter a whole string of horrors. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Have you never watched the gentle sex fight and push and scramble as it -gets into the Hammersmith bus? I assure you, the unlucky man who finds -himself in that seething feminine crowd is fortunate if he escapes -without losing an eye or half his teeth. And have you seen the fury of -the gentle sex at a sale as they seize some worthless fragment, and the -bitterness with which they haggle? The other day I was in the Army and -Navy Stores, and two women were standing on the stairs, discussing their -servants, so that no one could pass up and down. I took off my hat and -said: Excuse me, would you allow me to pass. They moved barely two -inches, and one of them said in a loud voice to the other: What an -impertinent man. The gentle sex! Yesterday I was hanging on a strap in a -crowded train coming from the city, and I saw a pale-faced weary clerk -give up his seat to a strong and bouncing girl. She took it without -saying thank you, because she was a lady and he wasn’t a gentleman. Then -a tired old woman came in and stood, but the bouncing girl never thought -of giving up the seat to her. The gentle sex! They have such tender -hearts they couldn’t bear to hurt a fly. Have you ever seen a woman get -out of a bus ten yards before her destination in order to save the -wretched horses another start? Not much. Have you ever known a woman of -fashion who sends her maid to bed when she knows she won’t be in till -four in the morning? Not much. And is there anything like the insolence -with which a woman treats her social inferiors of the same sex? Is it -men who put on their backs the sealskins that are torn off the living -bodies of helpless brutes? Is it men who put on their hats the beautiful -birds of the forest? It’s the gentle sex. Boys are taught manners. They -are taught to take off their hats and hold open the door for their -sisters. They are taught to fetch and carry for women, and to give up -the front seat in life to women. But what are girls taught? Girls are -taught etiquette, and that, I suppose, makes them in due course the -gentle sex. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Every one knows you’re a horrible cynic, so there can’t be a word of -truth in anything you say. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Q.E.D. - -GERALD. - -Here comes Nellie. - - [NELLIE _comes in, having changed her dress. She now wears a very - pretty white frock, all flounces and furbelows, and a large white - hat. At the same moment from the other side_ FREDDIE _enters. He - also has changed, and is now in spotless white._ - -MRS. DOT. - -[_With a laugh, whispering to_ BLENKINSOP.] They’ve both changed their -clothes. - -GERALD. - -Would you like to come for a row, Nellie? - -NELLIE. - -I’m too tired. Won’t you go with Mrs. Dot? I’ll rest here till tea-time. - - [NELLIE _sits down, and the others go_. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Personally, I must walk. I sacrifice all my inclinations to my fear of -growing too stout. I often wonder if we shall get our good dinners in -heaven that we’ve done without on earth. - -BLENKINSOP. - -It’s generally understood that we shall only get our deserts. - - [NELLIE _watches them go from over her shoulder. She sees that_ - FREDDIE _is hanging back. She smiles and elaborately disregards - him. He comes forward and leans over her chair._ - -NELLIE. - -Aren’t you going with the others? - -FREDDIE. - -Do you mind if I stay with you? - -NELLIE. - -I like it. - -FREDDIE. - -Jolly here, isn’t it? - -NELLIE. - -Awfully jolly. - -FREDDIE. - -I’ve not congratulated you on your engagement yet. - -NELLIE. - -I didn’t expect you would. - -FREDDIE. - -Why? - -NELLIE. - -Oh, I don’t know. - -FREDDIE. - -It seems a long time since we first met, doesn’t it? - -NELLIE. - -Why? - -FREDDIE. - -Because I seem to know you so well. - -NELLIE. - -You’re very easy to get to know, aren’t you? - -FREDDIE. - -I say, you look just like another rose in this garden. - -NELLIE. - -I suppose you say that to every girl who sits here? - -FREDDIE. - -I’ve never said it to any one but you. - -NELLIE. - -They tell me you’re very impressionable. - -FREDDIE. - -They lie. - -NELLIE. - -I think I shall take off my hat. - -FREDDIE. - -Yes, do. - - [_She proceeds to do so. She pretends that she cannot._ - -NELLIE. - -Oh, how stupid of me! Something has caught. - -FREDDIE. - -May I help you? - -NELLIE. - -I’m afraid I’m giving you a lot of trouble. - - [_He helps her, and she gives a little scream._ - -FREDDIE. - -Oh, I’m so sorry. Did I hurt you? - -NELLIE. - -No, but it tickled. - - [_She takes off the hat. One hand of hers remains in his. Their - eyes meet for the first time, and they smile._ - -FREDDIE. - -I say, what a pretty hand you have! It looks so white on mine, doesn’t -it? - - [MRS. DOT _creeps back and stands behind a bush, so that she cannot - be seen_. - -NELLIE. - -I rather like your hand. It’s so strong and brown. - -FREDDIE. - -You know, you’re awfully easy to get on with. Sometimes I feel -dreadfully shy and nervous with women, but I can think of all sorts of -things I want to say to you. - -NELLIE. - -_I_ seem to have known you all my life. - -FREDDIE. - -[_Impulsively._] Isn’t it jolly here? - -NELLIE. - -Awfully jolly. - - [_He looks at her for a moment._ - -FREDDIE. - -I want to ask you something. You won’t be angry, will you? - -NELLIE. - -No. - -FREDDIE. - -May I kiss you? - -NELLIE. - -No. - -FREDDIE. - -It’s awfully unkind of you. - -NELLIE. - -You shouldn’t have asked. - -FREDDIE. - -Shouldn’t I? I wanted to, badly. - -NELLIE. - -There are some things one should do without asking. - -FREDDIE. - -You are a brick. - - [_He kisses her. As he does so_, HOLLINGTON _comes in and sees - them. He stops for a moment in astonishment, then withdraws._ - -FREDDIE. - -Let’s go on the river, shall we? - -NELLIE. - -I told Gerald I was too tired. - -FREDDIE. - -Oh, hang Gerald! - -NELLIE. - -We might go and play the piano in the drawing-room. - -FREDDIE. - -I’m awfully fond of music. Cake-walks, and things like that, you know. - - [_They get up._ MRS. DOT _comes forward_. - -MRS. DOT. - -Are you going? I thought you were tired. - -NELLIE. - -We’re just going to look at the kitchen garden. - -FREDDIE. - -I’ve told Miss Sellenger that you’ve got some most awfully good carrots. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_As they go to the house._] That’s not the way, you know. - -NELLIE. - -[_Coolly._] I’m only just going to get a handkerchief. - -MRS. DOT. - -Oh, I see. I beg your pardon. - - [_They go._ GERALD _comes forward. He is rather grave and solemn._ - -MRS. DOT. - -What a picture they make, don’t they? I can’t tell you how much I like -Nellie. - -GERALD. - -You’ve come to the conclusion that the cut of her skirt’s all right. - -MRS. DOT. - -Ah, you mustn’t recall what I said when I was in a temper. You know, I’m -rather touched by her obvious affection for you. - -GERALD. - -It’s very good of you to say so. - -MRS. DOT. - -It’s so nice to see two people head over ears in love with one another. - -GERALD. - -I wouldn’t be so presumptuous as to think Nellie was so much in love -with me as all that. - -MRS. DOT. - -My dear boy, I’ve just had proof of it. - -GERALD. - -Have you? That’s more than I have. - -MRS. DOT. - -And is dear Lady Sellenger going to live with you when you’re married? - -GERALD. - -Look here, Dot, what’s the meaning of all this? - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Much surprised._] Of what? - -GERALD. - -Why did you ask us all down? - -MRS. DOT. - -Because I’m of a hospitable turn of mind. Didn’t you want to come? I’m -so sorry. - -GERALD. - -You’ve utterly ignored me since I arrived. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Ironically._] Much as I should have liked to devote myself exclusively -to your entertainment, I’ve been really obliged to remember that my -other guests had equal claims upon me. - -GERALD. - -I should very much like to take you by the shoulders and give you a good -shaking. - -MRS. DOT. - -I don’t think you’re in a very good temper to-day. - -GERALD. - -[_Crossly._] Pardon me, I’m in the best possible temper. - -MRS. DOT. - -You certainly ought to be with the prospect of spending a week in almost -uninterrupted _tête-à-tête_ with the object of your affections. - -GERALD. - -I can’t make you out. You’re so changed since last we met. - -MRS. DOT. - -You see, last time I thought I was in love with you. Now I know I’m not. - -GERALD. - -[_Bitterly._] I’m glad you’ve got over it so quickly. - -MRS. DOT. - -Really, you couldn’t wish me to continue eating my heart out for a young -man, however charming, who is going to marry somebody else. - -GERALD. - -Of course not. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Mockingly._] Well? - -GERALD. - -I was a fool to think you ever cared at all. - -MRS. DOT. - -But why should you think it when you took the greatest pains to assure -me that you didn’t care two straws for me? - -GERALD. - -[_Quickly._] I didn’t! - -MRS. DOT. - -You did! - -GERALD. - -I didn’t! - -MRS. DOT. - -Then you did care for me? - -GERALD. - -I never said that. - -MRS. DOT. - -Anyhow, whatever your sentiments were, it would gratify your self-esteem -to think that I was languishing with a hopeless passion. - -GERALD. - -It’s cruel of you to laugh at me. - -MRS. DOT. - -By the way, are you by any chance in love with me now? - -GERALD. - -You have no right to ask me that question. - -MRS. DOT. - -My dear boy, I’m not keeping you from spending an idyllic afternoon with -Nellie. You’ve forced this conversation upon me. I assure you it’s most -distasteful. - -GERALD. - -If I had married you, I should certainly have beaten you with a big -stick. - -MRS. DOT. - -What do you think is my chief characteristic? - -GERALD. - -That’s a question I _can_ answer. The most confounded and aggravating -unreasonableness that I ever saw. - -MRS. DOT. - -Nonsense. It’s obvious that my chief characteristic is a sweet and -yielding nature. But as there’s no likelihood of our agreeing on that, -what do you think is the second? - -GERALD. - -Obstinacy. - -MRS. DOT. - -Well, I prefer to call it strength of mind. Now, I’ll acknowledge that I -was in love with you--a month ago. That’s a feather in your cap. - -GERALD. - -Oh, I wish we were back again. I’ve had such rotten luck. - -MRS. DOT. - -But when I saw that my sweetness was likely to be wasted on the desert -air, I made up my mind to cure myself. First I cried for two days. - -GERALD. - -Dot. - -MRS. DOT. - -No, don’t sympathise. I have rather a high colour, and when I’ve had a -good cry it always improves my complexion. After that, I ordered some -new frocks, and I bought a diamond necklace that I’d been hankering -after for some time. - -GERALD. - -And that thoroughly consoled you, I suppose? - -MRS. DOT. - -It helped. Then I came to the conclusion that there were as good fish in -the sea as ever came out of it. I thought you over. After all, you’re -not really very good-looking, are you? - -GERALD. - -I’m not aware that I ever made any pretence of being so. - -MRS. DOT. - -And I’m sure no one could accuse you of being extremely amusing. - -GERALD. - -I have no doubt I’m excessively dull. - -MRS. DOT. - -I couldn’t help seeing that you’d suit Nellie much better than you would -have suited me. She has that comfortable stupidity which the average -Englishman looks upon as the highest recommendation for a wife. - -GERALD. - -It’s charming of you to say so. - -MRS. DOT. - -She _is_ a little dull, isn’t she? - -GERALD. - -I don’t think her so. - -MRS. DOT. - -Doesn’t time hang rather heavily on your hands now and then? Isn’t it -difficult to find topics of conversation? - -GERALD. - -I don’t find it so. - -MRS. DOT. - -Ah--she does. - -GERALD. - -And the long and short of it is that the emotion which you dignify with -the name of love, had entirely disappeared after a week. - -MRS. DOT. - -Make it ten days to be on the safe side. - -GERALD. - -I congratulate you. - -MRS. DOT. - -You wouldn’t have it otherwise, surely? - -GERALD. - -Of course not. - -MRS. DOT. - -Then all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds. - -GERALD. - -[_Furiously._] I think you must be quite heartless. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Delighted._] Ah, that’s what I said to you a month ago, Philippine. - -GERALD. - -Now, perhaps, you’d like to know what my feeling is towards you? - -MRS. DOT. - -No, I’m quite indifferent, thanks! - -GERALD. - -Well, I shall tell you for all that. It’s a joke to you, and you can -afford to laugh at it. - - [_He goes up to her and then stops suddenly._ - -MRS. DOT. - -Well? - -GERALD. - -Nothing. - -MRS. DOT. - -Oh! My poor heart went pit-a-pat. I thought you were going to kiss me. - -GERALD. - -I hate you. And I wish I’d never set eyes on you. - - [_He turns on his heel and walks out quickly. As soon as he is - gone_ MRS. DOT _begins to dance a break-down. She cocks a snook - after him._ - -MRS. DOT. - -I’ll marry you yet, you beast, I’ll marry you yet. - - [BLENKINSOP _comes in_. - -BLENKINSOP. - -What on earth is the matter with you now? - - [_From inside is heard the sound of a cake-walk._ - -MRS. DOT. - -Come on. - - [_She seizes him and begins to dance._ - -BLENKINSOP. - -Unhand me, woman! - -MRS. DOT. - -Oh, you dear, you dear, you dear. - - [_She flings both arms round his neck and kisses him soundly. At - this moment_ GERALD _returns_. - -GERALD. - -I beg your pardon. I forgot my hat. - - [_He takes it and goes out stiffly._ MRS. DOT _bursts into a shriek - of laughter_. - -BLENKINSOP. - -That’s all very fine. But what about my character? - -END OF THE SECOND ACT - - - - -THE THIRD ACT - - - _A hall in_ MRS. WORTHLEY’S _house on the River_. - - GERALD _and_ NELLIE _are seated in arm-chairs. She stifles a yawn. - Then he yawns._ - -GERALD. - -I beg your pardon. - -NELLIE. - -[_Yawning._] I never saw any one who yawned so much as you. - -GERALD. - -[_Ironically._] I suppose you’ve never looked at yourself in the glass? - -NELLIE. - -Is your family very long-lived, Gerald? - -GERALD. - -[_Rather surprised._] Are you already asking yourself how you’ll look in -widow’s weeds? - -NELLIE. - -You may very well live for forty years, mayn’t you? - -GERALD. - -My maternal grandfather survived to plague his descendants to the ripe -age of ninety-seven. - -NELLIE. - -How many days are there in forty years? - -GERALD. - -I should think about fifteen thousand. - -NELLIE. - -Has it occurred to you that we may eat fifteen thousand breakfasts -sitting opposite one another, and fifteen thousand luncheons, and -fifteen thousand dinners? - -GERALD. - -[_Gloomily._] Yes, it had occurred to me. - -NELLIE. - -And how do you look upon the prospect? - -GERALD. - -[_Grimly._] It fills me with satisfaction, naturally. - -NELLIE. - -[_Abruptly._] I suppose you’re very much in love with me? - -GERALD. - -What an extraordinary question! - -NELLIE. - -I don’t think any one but a lunatic would describe you as an ardent -lover. - -GERALD. - -[_Coldly._] I regret that my behaviour doesn’t meet with your -satisfaction. - -NELLIE. - -Do you know that since we became definitely engaged you’ve never told me -that you cared for me? - -GERALD. - -[_Apologetically._] Yes, I ought to have done that, oughtn’t I? I -suppose I thought you’d take it for granted. - -NELLIE. - -Every girl likes a suspicion of romance thrown over her love-affairs. - -GERALD. - -Your mother will tell you that the certainty of marriage is much more -satisfactory. - -NELLIE. - -[_Dryly._] You would have made an excellent husband--for mother. - -GERALD. - -Have you noticed that when we _do_ think of something to talk about, we -get perilously near a squabble? - -NELLIE. - -I sometimes think it would be better to quarrel outright now and then -than be always so desperately polite to one another. - -GERALD. - -I’m afraid I have an admirable temper. - -NELLIE. - -Mother always says you have all the virtues. - -GERALD. - -Shall we look at the _Sketch_ together? - -NELLIE. - -We’ve looked at the _Sketch_ together three times. [_Following his eye, -which goes to other illustrated papers on the table._] And the -_Illustrated_, and the _Sphere_, and the _Graphic_. - -GERALD. - -Then what would you like to do? - -NELLIE. - -I should like to SCREAM. - -GERALD. - -Would you, by George? So would I. - -NELLIE. - -Oh, Gerald, let’s have a good scream together. - -_Enter_ LADY SELLENGER _and_ MRS. DOT. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -[_With a bland smile._] What a picture they make! - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Acidly._] It’s quite charming to see two young things so engrossed in -one another’s society. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Now, you really mustn’t waste this beautiful afternoon. You must go and -have a nice long walk together. - -NELLIE. - -We had a nice long walk this morning. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Sweetly._] Then why don’t you go on the river? You can take your tea -with you and spend the whole afternoon there. - -GERALD. - -We spent the whole afternoon on the river yesterday, and you kindly gave -us our tea to take with us. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -It reminds me of the happy days when I was engaged to your poor father, -Nellie. We were just like you and Gerald. We couldn’t bear to be out of -one another’s sight. Now, run and get your hat, darling. - -NELLIE. - -Oh, mamma, I’ve got the most dreadful headache that I’ve ever had in my -life, and I must really go and lie down. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Nonsense. An afternoon in the fresh air with Gerald is just the thing to -put you right. - -GERALD. - -I’m so sorry, but I have some very important letters to write. I _must_ -catch the post. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Sweetly._] You’ll have lots of time when you come in. The post doesn’t -go till after dinner. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -If you make excuses like that, poor Nellie will think she bores you -already. - -GERALD. - -In that case I shall be only too glad to go on the river. - -MRS. DOT. - -Take my sunshade, darling. You won’t want a hat. - -NELLIE. - -[_Savagely._] Thank you, dear. - - [NELLIE _and_ GERALD _go out gloomily_. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Just like humming-birds, aren’t they? - -MRS. DOT. - -Do you mean turtle-doves by any chance? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -I was never very good at natural history.... Dear Mrs. Worthley, I must -really thank you for the tact with which you’ve thrown Gerald and Nellie -in one another’s society every moment of the day. - -MRS. DOT. - -I can flatter myself that _they’ve_ thoroughly enjoyed their week here. - - [AUNT ELIZA, _comes in with_ BLENKINSOP. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -[_With a look of intelligence._] Dear Mr. Blenkinsop, you wicked, wicked -cynic. [_Meaningly._] I shall go and lie down. Are you coming upstairs, -Miss MacGregor? - -AUNT ELIZA. - -In one minute. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -I want to have a little talk with you. [_As_ BLENKINSOP _holds open the -door for her, in a whisper_.] Aren’t I tactful? - - [LADY SELLENGER _goes out_. - -BLENKINSOP. - -What villainy is that old woman up to now? - -MRS. DOT. - -You idiot! Don’t you see that she’s discovered the passion that devours -our hearts--your manly bosom and my timid, fluttering heart--and she -wants to leave us alone. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I’m beginning to feel very unwell. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Archly._] Wouldn’t you be rather flattered if I really were in love -with you? - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Alarmed._] Dot, don’t make these horrible suggestions. You make my -flesh creep. - -MRS. DOT. - -But you’ve been so cold, you haven’t given me a chance. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Cold! Heaven knows what would have happened if I’d given you any -encouragement. I’ve never been able to take my eyes off the ground -without finding yours fixed on me with the languishing expression of a -dying duck in a thunderstorm. I’ve never been able to go near you -without your stroking me as if I were a velvet cushion or a Persian cat. -I’ve not eaten a single meal in peace in case you suddenly took it into -your head to press my foot under the table. - -MRS. DOT. - -What would you have done if I had? - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_With outraged dignity._] I should have screamed! And the thought of -that special licence has cast a chill in my heart. I don’t know what -it’s all coming to. You are my witness, Miss MacGregor, that I won’t -marry her, however deeply she compromises me. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -[_Smiling._] I am your witness. - -BLENKINSOP. - -She shan’t make an honest man of me. - - [MRS. DOT _takes from a drawer of the escritoire one of the - licences_. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Smiling._] Frances Annandale Worthley--James Blenkinsop. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I feel as though some one were walking over my grave. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -But how on earth are you going to get Nellie Sellenger and Freddie to -use the other licence? - -MRS. DOT. - -When the right moment comes I shall leave it under their noses, and -allow them to draw what consequences they choose.... If any woman ever -earned a husband, I have. I’ve taken every opportunity to snub Gerald -till he can hardly contain himself with rage. I’ve thrown him in -Nellie’s company till they’re both so bored they could almost cry. I’ve -been constantly on the watch to prevent Nellie and Freddie from having -two minutes by themselves till they can hardly bear the sight of me. And -I’ve made love to you with a persistence that would have melted the -heart of a fish. If I fail, it will be your fault. - -BLENKINSOP. - -But what on earth do you want me to do? - -MRS. DOT. - -Good heavens, throw a little passion into your behaviour. Look at me as -though you’d never seen any one so ravishing in your life. When you take -my hand, hold it as if you would never let it go. - - [_She takes his hand._ - -BLENKINSOP. - -Remember, there’s no one but Miss MacGregor present. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_With a yearning glance._] Look into my eyes like this. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Don’t. You make me feel very uncomfortable. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Impatiently._] Oh, you’re too stupid. You’re a stock and a stone. -You’re an owl. You’re a ridiculous idiot. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Temper, temper. - -MRS. DOT. - -You’ll ruin my whole life, because you’re such a perfect fool that you -can’t make love to a woman. - - [_She breaks away from him and begins to cry. He walks up and down, - then looks at her with a smile. He makes a sign to_ MISS MACGREGOR - _that_ MRS. DOT _cannot see_. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_In a different voice._] Dot, this little game of ours has lasted long -enough. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Sobbing in her handkerchief._] Yes, it has. I’m sick to death of the -whole thing. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You asked me to play a part, and you didn’t know that it might be deadly -earnest. - -MRS. DOT. - -Fiddlesticks! - -BLENKINSOP. - -I have a secret that I can no longer keep from you. - -MRS. DOT. - -Well, tell it to the horse-marines. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Dot, I love you! - -MRS. DOT. - -Oh, don’t be so silly. - -BLENKINSOP. - -But I tell you I’m not joking. - -MRS. DOT. - -Thank heaven for that. I’m weary of your bad jokes. - -BLENKINSOP. - -The thing started as a bad joke, but it has ended in something very -different. A change has come over me, and I’m ashamed. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Looking up._] Eh? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Don’t you see that I’m a different man? Dot, it’s you who’ve changed me. - -MRS. DOT. - -I really believe he’s waking up. - -BLENKINSOP. - -If I was shy and awkward, it’s because I wouldn’t give in to myself. I -was overwhelmed. I couldn’t understand. - -MRS. DOT. - -That’s much better. There really is a ring of emotion in your voice. - -BLENKINSOP. - -How shouldn’t there be, when I’m saying at last what has trembled on the -tip of my tongue for ten days? - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Delighted._] There! That’s just the tone I want. Talk with that quiver -in your voice when you ask me to pass you the mustard at dinner. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I lie awake at night thinking of you, and when I fall asleep I seem to -hold you in my arms. - -MRS. DOT. - -That’s splendid. Why couldn’t you say all this before? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Dot, Dot, don’t torture me. Don’t you see I mean it. - -MRS. DOT. - -What! - -BLENKINSOP. - -I’m not jesting now. I wish to heaven I were. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Forcing a laugh._] My dear James, you’re really piling it on too -much. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You must be mad or blind. Can’t you feel that I love you? - -MRS. DOT. - -Don’t be so absurd. You know you’re only--you’re only pulling my leg. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Oh, I’ve been a perfect ass. I should never have consented to play this -ghastly trick. If you only knew what tortures I’ve suffered! - -MRS. DOT. - -He isn’t really serious, Aunt Eliza? - -AUNT ELIZA. - -[_Smiling._] Upon my soul, it looks very much like it. - -BLENKINSOP. - -What did you expect? You’ve played on my heart-strings as though they -were an instrument that had no feeling. You’ve put a caress into every -tone of your voice. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Ruefully._] Of course, I am fascinating. I can’t deny that. - -BLENKINSOP. - -When you touched my hand, every nerve of my body thrilled. - -MRS. DOT. - -You’re not really in love with me? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Passionately. - -MRS. DOT. - -You’re ridiculous, James Blenkinsop. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I was a fool. I played with fire, and I never dreamed I’d burn myself. - -MRS. DOT. - -But you mustn’t be in love with me. I won’t hear of it. - -BLENKINSOP. - -It’s too late to say that now. I adore you. - -MRS. DOT. - -But what on earth’s to be done? - -BLENKINSOP. - -You must marry me. - -MRS. DOT. - -Nothing will induce me to do anything of the sort. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Going up to her with outstretched arms._] You can’t realise the wealth -of tenderness and affection which I’ll lavish upon you. - -MRS. DOT. - -Go away! Don’t come near me. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Why should you care for Gerald? Do you think if he loved you, he would -let a trifling engagement with somebody else stand in the way? - -MRS. DOT. - -The fact is that men are never to be trusted. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I can’t live without you now. I’ll give up my whole life to make you -happy. - -MRS. DOT. - -But I’m in love with Gerald. I’m not in love with you. I shall never be -in love with you. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You owe me something for all the agony you’ve made me endure. Dot, -remember that licence. It was bought in jest, but the Archbishop of -Canterbury was in earnest. - -MRS. DOT. - -But my dear James, for heaven’s sake be reasonable. You know just as -well as I do that you’re not a marrying man. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Give me the chance, and you’ll see. - -MRS. DOT. - -I’m sure you wouldn’t like me. I’m horrid really. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I know that you’re full of faults, but, bless you, I love them all. - -MRS. DOT. - -I’ve got a beastly temper. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I dote upon you when I see your eyes flash with anger. - -MRS. DOT. - -I’m awfully extravagant, and if the Government brings in temperance -legislation I shall be ruined. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I’m rich. I should look upon it as the greatest happiness to spend my -last penny to gratify your smallest wish. - -MRS. DOT. - -I won’t marry you. I won’t marry you. I won’t! - -BLENKINSOP. - -Dot, Dot! - - [_He catches her in his arms and kisses her. At this moment_ GERALD - _comes in_, MRS. DOT _breaks away from_ BLENKINSOP. _There is an - awkward pause._ - -MRS. DOT. - -[_To_ GERALD.] I thought you were on the river. - -GERALD. - -Hang the river! - - [_She goes to the door, which_ BLENKINSOP _opens for her. She goes - out. As_ AUNT ELIZA _follows, he speaks to her in a low tone_. - -BLENKINSOP. - -There’s passion for you. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -You brutes, you can all do it. You positively made my heart beat. - - [_She goes out._ - -GERALD. - -What did Miss MacGregor say? - -BLENKINSOP. - -A vague suggestion of bigamy if I understood correctly. - -GERALD. - -[_Frigidly._] I’m afraid I came at an inopportune moment. - -BLENKINSOP. - -It appears to be one of your happy little ways. - -GERALD. - -Every one seems to kiss every one else in this house. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_With effrontery._] You have only to envelop Lady Sellenger in your -arms, and the picture will be complete. - -GERALD. - -Would you kindly explain this incident? - -BLENKINSOP. - -If you’ll allow me to say so, I really can’t see that it’s any business -of yours. - -GERALD. - -[_Hotly._] Look here, Blenkinsop, you’ve got no right to play your -fool-tricks with Mrs. Dot. She’s a very excitable and thoughtless woman. -She’s.... - -BLENKINSOP. - -Well? - -GERALD. - -Oh, damn you! - -BLENKINSOP. - -Not at all, not at all. - -GERALD. - -[_Angrily._] What the deuce is the meaning of all this tomfoolery? - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Blandly._] I suppose you couldn’t be a little more civil, could you? - -GERALD. - -Look here, Blenkinsop, the best thing you can do is to receive a -telegram that requires your immediate presence in town. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Thanks very much, but I’m extremely comfortable down here. - -GERALD. - -You’d be rather surprised if I threw you out of the window, wouldn’t -you? - -BLENKINSOP. - -I should not only be surprised, but I should look upon it as an odious -familiarity. - -GERALD. - -Would you like to know my private opinion of you? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Spare me my blushes, dear boy. It always embarrasses me to be flattered -to my face. - -GERALD. - -You silly old fool. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I believe you’re considerably annoyed. - -GERALD. - -Not in the least. What the dickens is there about you that should annoy -me? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Now that I come to think of it, you are certainly in a passion. Your -face is red, your attire is disordered, and you have a slight squint in -your eye. - -GERALD. - -My dear fellow, if I hadn’t the best temper in the world, I should kick -you. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You’d far better go and lie down. You’ll only say something which you’ll -regret. - -GERALD. - -I suppose you’re not for a moment under the impression that Mrs. Dot -cares twopence about you. - -BLENKINSOP. - -May I ask how that can in the least concern you? - -GERALD. - -Mrs. Dot is an old friend of mine. I’m not going to see her made -ridiculous by a conceited nincompoop. - -BLENKINSOP. - -By the way, has it slipped your memory that you’re engaged to Miss -Sellenger? - -GERALD. - -Good Lord, no! - -BLENKINSOP. - -I daresay you wish it had. - -GERALD. - -That’s a confounded impertinent thing to say. - -BLENKINSOP. - -My dear fellow, I never saw any one with less common sense in my life. -Surely it’s not very extraordinary that the same tender passion which -inflames the chaste breasts of yourself and Miss Sellenger, should -attack the equally chaste breasts of myself and Mrs. Worthley. - -GERALD. - -Don’t talk such twaddle. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I suppose you’d be considerably astonished if I told you that I’d just -asked Mrs. Dot to be my wife. - -GERALD. - -She must have screamed with laughter. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You noticed her unconcealed hilarity when you came in. - -GERALD. - -[_Going up to him quickly._] You don’t mean it! - -BLENKINSOP. - -No man is quite safe from the toils of women till he’s safely in his -grave. And even then a feminine worm probably makes a dead set at him. - -GERALD. - -And does Mrs. Dot--reciprocate your affection? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Really you ask me a very delicate question. - -GERALD. - -By the great Harry, the man thinks she’s in love with him. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Rather indignant._] And pray, why shouldn’t she be just as much in -love with me as with you? - -GERALD. - -[_With a burst of laughter._] Ha, ha, ha. - -BLENKINSOP. - -What the blazes are you laughing at? - -GERALD. - -Ha! ha! ha! - -BLENKINSOP. - -Shut up, you blithering idiot! - -GERALD. - -[_Still laughing._] She _has_ made a fool of you. Ha! ha! ha! -[_Seriously._] And did you really think any woman would care for you? My -poor Blenkinsop! My poor, poor Blenkinsop! - -BLENKINSOP. - -You’re a jackanapes, sir, you’re an impudent jackanapes. And why not, -pray? - -GERALD. - -[_Furiously._] Because you’re revolting to look upon, and your -conversation is inexpressibly tedious. - -BLENKINSOP. - -It’s charming of you to say so. - -GERALD. - -If you want to marry any one, marry Lady Sellenger. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You are evidently under the impression that if a woman can’t be so -fortunate as to marry you, she had far better retire into a nunnery. - -GERALD. - -You’re a cantankerous cynic and a fatuous donkey. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I like the delicacy with which you express your appreciation of my -merits. - -GERALD. - -Listen to me, Blenkinsop! Clear out of the house before you make a -greater mess of things than you have already. Mrs. Dot would as soon -marry her groom as marry you. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You think it’s quite impossible that she should ever have dreamt of such -a thing? - -GERALD. - -Not only impossible, but grotesque. - - [BLENKINSOP _goes to the drawer in which is the licence and takes - it out_. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Perhaps, then, it would interest you to inspect this document. - - [GERALD _takes it and looks at it, dumfounded_. - -GERALD. - -It’s a special licence. - -BLENKINSOP. - -So much less bother than banns, you know. - -GERALD. - -James Blenkinsop. - -BLENKINSOP. - -And Frances Annandale Worthley. - -GERALD. - -It’s a mistake! It’s all a preposterous mistake. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You see, the Archbishop of Canterbury calls me his right well-beloved -brother. Friendly, isn’t it? - - [GERALD _violently tears it in pieces and flings them on the - ground_. BLENKINSOP _gives a sigh of relief_. GERALD _stalks out of - the room into the garden_. BLENKINSOP _goes to the door and waves - his hand at him_. MRS. DOT _comes in. She has discovered that_ - BLENKINSOP _has been making a fool of her_. - -BLENKINSOP. - -He’s torn up your precious licence. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Quickly._] Which one? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Ours, of course. Three guineas gone bang, my dear. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Counting on her fingers._] I’m reckoning how many bottles of beer the -British public will have to drink for us to buy another. - -BLENKINSOP. - -But your refusal of my hand will happily prevent you from going to that -expense. Thereby considerably forwarding the cause of temperance. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_With an assumption of overwhelming gravity._] - -James, I have been thinking over all you said, and I am willing to marry -you. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_A chill going down his spine._] I thank you from the bottom of my -heart, but I cannot accept this sacrifice. - -MRS. DOT. - -It is no sacrifice when I think that I can make you happy. - -BLENKINSOP. - -But you mustn’t think of me. It’s your happiness that we have to -consider. Don’t let a momentary impulse ruin your whole life. - -MRS. DOT. - -I’ve thought it over very carefully. I cannot resist your passionate -pleading. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I will not be outdone in generosity. You have refused me. I accept your -refusal as final. - -MRS. DOT. - -I never realised that your nature was so great and tender. Every word -you say makes me more determined to devote my life to your happiness. - -BLENKINSOP. - -My dear Dot, much as I appreciate the beauty of your sentiments, I must -confess that I could never marry a woman who did not love me. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_As though she were struggling with her modesty._] I see that you want -to force from me the avowal that is so hard to make. Oh, you men! - -BLENKINSOP. - -Good God, you don’t mean to say you’re in love with me? - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Languishing._] James. Is it so very wonderful? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Half an hour ago you said you couldn’t stand me at any price. - -MRS. DOT. - -It’s a woman’s privilege to change her mind. The passion which you threw -into your proposal has completely changed me. I am touched by the -vehemence with which you flung your heart at my feet. I have struggled, -but I cannot resist. Take me in your arms, James, and never let me go. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Dot, I have a confession to make to you. I didn’t mean a word I said. - -MRS. DOT. - -Ah, James, do not jest. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I assure you I’m perfectly serious. You taunted me that I couldn’t make -love, so I just let myself go to show you I could. I daresay it was a -silly joke, but it certainly was a joke. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Unmoved._] James, every word you say increases my admiration for you. -I can’t think now how I was ever blind to your great affection. - -BLENKINSOP. - -But don’t you hear what I say? - -MRS. DOT. - -Do you think you can take me in so easily? - -BLENKINSOP. - -You don’t believe me? - -MRS. DOT. - -Not a word. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Thoroughly alarmed._] Now, look here. I don’t love you, I’ve never -loved you, and I never shall love you. I can’t put it any clearer than -that. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_With rapture._] God, how he adores me! - -BLENKINSOP. - -I say, look here, this is a bit too thick. - -MRS. DOT. - -I know you only say these cruel things because you think I should be -throwing myself away on you. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Huffily._] I don’t know about that. - -MRS. DOT. - -You cannot bear to think that I should accept you from pity. But it -isn’t that, James. You are handsome and noble and chivalrous. How -shouldn’t a woman love you? - -BLENKINSOP. - -I repeat that I do not reciprocate your passion. - -MRS. DOT. - -You can’t deceive me so easily as that, James. I _know_ you love me. We -women have such quick intuitions. - -BLENKINSOP. - -So you always say. - -MRS. DOT. - -I see you simply quivering with restrained emotion. Oh, James, James, -you’ve made me so happy. - - [_She flings herself on his bosom and pretends to burst into - tears._ - -BLENKINSOP. - -I say, take care. Supposing somebody saw us. - -MRS. DOT. - -I should like all the world to see us. - -BLENKINSOP. - -But it’s devilish compromising. - -MRS. DOT. - -I want to compromise myself. Only thus can I make you certain of my -love. Oh, think of the many happy years we shall spend in one another’s -arms, James. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Extricating himself from her embrace._] Is there nothing I can say to -undeceive you? - -MRS. DOT. - -Nothing! I am yours till death. - -BLENKINSOP. - -I will never give way to my sense of humour again. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Archly._] Do you mind if I leave you just for one minute? After so -much agitation I must really go and powder my nose. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Ironically._] Pray don’t let me detain you. - -MRS. DOT. - -Remember I am yours till death. - -BLENKINSOP. - -It is very good of you to say so. - - [_She goes out. He rings the bell impatiently._ THE BUTLER _comes - in_. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Tell my servant I want him. - - [THE BUTLER _goes out_. BLENKINSOP _walks up and down, wringing his - hands_. THE SERVANT _enters_. - -George, pack up my things at once and get the motor. There’s not a -moment to lose. - -GEORGE. - -Are you going away, sir? - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Flying into a passion._] You blithering fool, do you suppose I should -want my things packed if I were staying? I’m going abroad to-night. - -GEORGE. - -Very well, sir. - -BLENKINSOP. - -You must take the train and go to Cook’s at once and get some tickets. - -GEORGE. - -Very well, sir. Where to, sir? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Don’t argue, sir, but do as I tell you. - -GEORGE. - -I must know where to get the tickets for, sir. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Oh, what it is to have a fool for a servant! Take a month’s notice. I -dismiss you. Where to, sir? Anywhere, sir? Somewhere that’s a damned -long way off. South Africa! I’ll go and shoot lions in Uganda. And if -there isn’t a boat sailing at once, I’ll go to America and shoot -grizzlies in the Rocky Mountains. - -GEORGE. - -Very dangerous climate, sir. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Dangerous climate, sir? I would have you know it’s not half such a -dangerous climate as the valley of the Thames. - -GEORGE. - -Very good, sir. - - [_He goes out._ MRS. DOT _comes in_. _At the sight of her_ - BLENKINSOP _at once cools down_. - -MRS. DOT. - -James, dear, did I hear you give orders for your things to be packed up? - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Calmly._] No, my love. What could have put such an idea in your head? - -MRS. DOT. - -You wouldn’t leave me--darling? - -BLENKINSOP. - -My angel, nothing now shall tear me from your side. - -MRS. DOT. - -Dearest! - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Trying to restrain himself._] Pet! - - [_He goes into the garden._ MRS. DOT _begins to laugh_. FREDDIE - _comes in, with letters in his hand_. - -FREDDIE. - -I say, I wish you’d just have a look at these letters. - -MRS. DOT. - -Oh, yes. I want to have a little talk with you, Freddie. [_She takes one -of the letters and reads._] “I am directed by Mrs. Worthley to -congratulate you on the recent addition to your family, but to express -her regret that she cannot accede to your request.” How brutal you are, -Freddie! Surely Mrs. Murphy is an old friend. - -FREDDIE. - -I looked her out in my note-book. Six months ago we sent her fifteen -pounds because she had nine children. Now she has eleven. - -MRS. DOT. - -And yet they complain that the birth-rate is falling. I think we’d -better send her five pounds. - -FREDDIE. - -You really can’t encourage a woman who has twins twice a year, when her -husband is not only bed-ridden but a hopeless lunatic. - -MRS. DOT. - -Perhaps she _is_ a little prolific. - -FREDDIE. - -Here is my answer to Mrs. MacTavish, who wants help to bury a husband. - -MRS. DOT. - -Poor thing! You’d better send her ten pounds. - -FREDDIE. - -I’ve answered: “Madam, I regret to see that this is the third time you -have lost your husband within two years. The mortality among the unhappy -gentlemen on whom you bestow your hand is so great that I can only -recommend you in future to remain a widow. Yours faithfully, Frederick -Perkins.” - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Reading a letter which he hands to her._] “I am pleased to hear that -the wooden leg for which Mrs. Worthley paid for last year has proved -satisfactory, but I cannot recommend her to provide you with another. -To lose one leg in a railway accident is a misfortune, but to lose a -second in a colliery explosion points to carelessness.” That’s not -original, Freddie. - -FREDDIE. - -I’m so hard up, I can only afford to make other people’s jokes. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_With a shrewd look at him._] Freddie, I’ve been exceedingly pleased -with your behaviour during the last week. I’ve watched you carefully, -and I’m glad to see that you’ve done all that was possible to destroy -poor Nellie’s affection for you. - -FREDDIE. - -[_Gravely._] I’ve tried to do my duty. - -MRS. DOT. - -I know. And in recognition of this I want you to accept a little -present. Where is my cheque-book? - -FREDDIE. - -[_Producing it promptly._] Oh, no, really, I shouldn’t like you to do -anything of the sort. [_Putting it in front of her, and giving her a -pen._] I feel that I’m amply paid for all that I do for you. I simply -can’t accept anything more. - -MRS. DOT. - -I was afraid you would object. - - [_She writes, and he watches her carefully._ - -FREDDIE. - -Five hundred pounds. Oh, you are a ripper! But why on earth do you give -me that? - -MRS. DOT. - -It may be useful to you. Suppose you had an idea of getting married, for -instance, it would be very convenient to have a sum like that in your -pocket. - -FREDDIE. - -But I’m not thinking of getting married. - -MRS. DOT. - -Aren’t you? I suppose you know that when you do, I’m proposing to give -you two thousand a year. - -FREDDIE. - -I say, that’s awfully good of you. - - [_He takes the cheque and gloats over it._ MRS. DOT _quickly takes - a special licence out of the drawer and puts it on the table_. - -MRS. DOT. - -Now I’m going for a turn in the garden. - -FREDDIE. - -You are a brick. - - [_She goes out. As soon as he sees the coast is clear, he gives a - peculiar whistle._ NELLIE _comes in_. - -NELLIE. - -I thought your whistle was never coming. They wanted me to go on the -river. I had to invent all sorts of excuses. - -FREDDIE. - -I don’t know how it is, but somehow we never manage to get a minute by -ourselves. - -NELLIE. - -It’s perfectly maddening. What a good idea it was of yours to meet in -the garden after they’d all gone to bed. - -FREDDIE. - -Was it my idea? I always thought it was yours! - -NELLIE. - -[_With wounded dignity._] It’s not likely I should have proposed a thing -like that. - -FREDDIE. - -No, it isn’t likely. - -NELLIE. - -I’m perfectly distracted. If you only knew how that man bores me! - -FREDDIE. - -I can’t think what you ever saw in him. - -NELLIE. - -I was never really fond of him, you know. I only accepted him because -he was so desperately in love with me, and mamma wouldn’t hear of it. - -FREDDIE. - -When did you first know that you cared for me? - -NELLIE. - -Oh, I don’t know. I think as soon as ever I found out you were in love -with me. - -FREDDIE. - -[_Rather taken aback._] Oh! - -NELLIE. - -When did you begin to love me? - -FREDDIE. - -Well, you know, I was awfully flattered by your caring for me. - -NELLIE. - -Oh!... [_There is a pause._] I don’t think I quite understand. - -FREDDIE. - -[_Opening his arms._] Darling! - -NELLIE. - -[_Cuddling in them._] Oh, it makes me feel so delightfully wicked. I -know I oughtn’t to let you kiss me. I know it’s treachery to poor -Gerald. - -FREDDIE. - -He isn’t worthy of you. - -NELLIE. - -He simply worships the ground I tread on. I am a perfect beast. - -FREDDIE. - -We’re treating him shamefully. - -NELLIE. - -I shall never forgive myself. - -FREDDIE. - -Poor Gerald.... He is an ass, isn’t he? - -NELLIE. - -Oh, awful. - - [_They both go into shrieks of laughter._ - -NELLIE. - -Take care! - - [MRS. DOT _comes in with flowers in her hands_. - -MRS. DOT. - -Did I leave my scissors here? Just see if you can find them, Freddie. -Perhaps they’re in the next room. [_He goes out._] I wonder if I left -them on the writing-table. - - [NELLIE _looks, sees the licence, starts, and turns round to hide - it_. - -NELLIE.] - -[_Agitated._] No, there’s nothing here at all. - - [FREDDIE _comes in with the scissors_. - -FREDDIE. - -Here they are! - -MRS. DOT. - -Thanks so much. - - [_She goes out._ - -NELLIE. - -Freddie, how could you be so incautious? It was only by the greatest -presence of mind that I was able to hide it. - -FREDDIE. - -What _do_ you mean? - -NELLIE. - -You ought to have told me. I don’t think it was nice of you to get a -licence without saying a word to me about it. I think it was a great -liberty. - -FREDDIE. - -A licence? - -NELLIE. - -You must know that I can’t marry you. Nothing will induce me to break my -promise to Gerald. I’m very angry with you. - -FREDDIE. - -I haven’t the least idea what you’re talking about. - -NELLIE. - -How can you tell such stories? - - [_She hands him the licence. He stares at it, utterly astonished._ - -FREDDIE. - -Where did you find this? - -NELLIE. - -It was lying on the writing-table. I suppose you’re not going to deny -all knowledge of it. [_He stares at it still._] Freddie, how bold of -you! But you really couldn’t imagine for a moment that I’d consent to -run away with you. Oh, Freddie, I’m so flattered. How you must love me! - -FREDDIE. - -[_To himself._] Two thousand a year! [_He takes the cheque from his -pocket and looks at it. Suddenly light dawns on him. He puts cheque and -licence back into his pocket._] It’s fairly clear that a licence -couldn’t have got there by itself. - -NELLIE. - -What on earth made you think of sending for it? - -FREDDIE. - -[_Brazenly._] I thought it was the only way to win you. - -NELLIE. - -Have you had it long? - -FREDDIE. - -It only arrived this morning. Look here, why shouldn’t we bolt? You -don’t care a straw for Gerald, and you do care for me. - -NELLIE. - -It would break his heart. I couldn’t, I couldn’t! Besides, where are we -to bolt to? I daren’t. Mamma would never forgive me. - -FREDDIE. - -You see, with this we can be married anywhere. Let’s jump into the motor -and go down to my father near Oxford. We shall arrive by dinner-time, -and he’ll marry us to-morrow morning. - -NELLIE. - -You don’t mean to say your father’s in the Church? - -FREDDIE. - -Of course he’s in the Church. I was most careful in my choice of a -parent. - -NELLIE. - -Oh, how clever of you to have a father who’s a clergyman! You think of -everything, Freddie. - -FREDDIE. - -Look here, there’s not a minute to waste. Will you risk it? - -NELLIE. - -No, no, no! Freddie, how can you ask me such a thing.... I’ll just go -and put on my hat. - -FREDDIE. - -You brick. - - [_She runs out. He walks up and down excitedly. The servants bring - in the tea._ NELLIE _comes back with her hat on_.] - -FREDDIE. - -Hurry up! - -NELLIE. - -This _is_ romance, isn’t it? - - [_They go to the door that leads into the garden, hand in hand. - They are confronted by_ LADY SELLENGER _and_ GERALD, BLENKINSOP - _and_ MISS MACGREGOR. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Where are you going in such a hurry? - -NELLIE. - -[_Promptly._] We were just going to call you all in to tea. - - [MRS. DOT _comes in_. - -MRS. DOT. - -I’ve just had the motor brought round in case any one would like to go -out. - - [_She goes to the writing-table to see if the licence has been - removed. They all sit down and have tea._ - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Nellie, my love, I’ve been discussing a very important matter with -Gerald. - -MRS. DOT. - -I know. You asked him to name the day. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -I feel that I have no right to restrain any longer the very natural -impatience of these young things. - -NELLIE. - -[_Aghast._] And what did Gerald say? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -He wishes to leave it entirely to you. - -NELLIE. - -I’m sure that’s very obliging of him. - -GERALD. - -Not at all. - -MRS. DOT. - -Of course, he’s all eagerness. - -GERALD. - -[_Grimly._] Yes. - -NELLIE. - -I would much sooner--let Gerald fix it at his own convenience. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -I think it’s delightful, the way they give in to one another. - -GERALD. - -We shall only bore Mrs. Dot if we discuss the matter now. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -We’re all old friends here. I’m sure Mrs. Dot will help us with her -advice. - -MRS. DOT. - -My own opinion is, that in these matters the sooner the better. - -BLENKINSOP. - -When you have to take a pill the best thing is to swallow it down -without thinking. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Cynic! What do you say to six weeks from to-day? - -NELLIE. - -That would suit me beautifully. - -GERALD. - -Then there’s no more to be said. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -What a beautiful thing love is! - - [NELLIE _gets up_. - -NELLIE. - -[_To_ FREDDIE.] Are you coming? - -FREDDIE. - -Certainly. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -[_Surprised._] Where are you going, Nellie? - -NELLIE. - -Mr. Perkins has promised to take me for a little drive in the motor. I -feel it’s the only thing to send away my headache. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -[_In an undertone._] My darling, is this wise? Remember the feelings of -this poor young man. - -NELLIE. - -[_Also in an undertone._] I thought you’d like an opportunity of talking -privately to Gerald. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Why, darling? - -NELLIE. - -Dear mamma, the settlements. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -[_Smiling affectionately._] You sweet, practical child! You’ll be your -own mother again at my age. - -NELLIE. - -May I go then? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Do. But don’t be away very long. - -NELLIE. - -[_Kissing her._] Good-bye, mamma. - - [_She goes out with_ FREDDIE. _Almost immediately the sound of a - motor-horn is heard, as they drive away._ - -LADY SELLENGER. - -The dear child, she has such a sweet, trusting nature. You must kiss me, -too, Gerald! - -GERALD. - -I shall be delighted, I’m sure. - -[_She puts up her cheek, which he kisses. A_ SERVANT _comes in with a -note_. - -SERVANT. - -Miss Sellenger told me to give you this at once, Madam. - -MRS. DOT. - -Oh. [_She opens it and gives a cry._] Good heavens! Oh, the deceitful -wretch! Lady Sellenger, how shall I tell you? It’s from Nellie. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -From Nellie! - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Reading._] “Dear Mrs. Dot, I’m just off to marry Freddie. Break it to -Mamma gently.” - -LADY SELLENGER. - -[_Starting up._] Impossible! Stop them! Stop them! Where are they? - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Reading._] “I couldn’t marry Gerald. He’s too great a”--there’s a word -in big letters. I never could read capitals. - - [_She hands the note to_ GERALD. - -GERALD. - -The word is “B. O. R. E.” - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Pretending to be much surprised._] Bore! - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_With immense satisfaction._] Bore! - -AUNT ELIZA. - -[_Meditatively._] Bore! - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Oh, how monstrous! My poor Gerald, what shall I do? - - [GERALD _goes into a roar of laughter. He laughs louder and - louder._ - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Gerald! Gerald! Don’t! Pull yourself together. The poor boy, he’s -perfectly hysterical. Where are my salts? Mrs. Dot, for heaven’s sake -calm him down. Oh, my dear! You mustn’t upset yourself yet. - -BLENKINSOP. - -He looks cut up, doesn’t he? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -We’ll pursue them. There’s no harm done yet. We’ll catch them. I promise -you we’ll catch them. You shall marry her, Gerald, if I have to drag -her to church by the hair of her head. - - [_At this he stops suddenly and stares at her in dismay._ - -GERALD. - -What are you going to do? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -We must chase them. Where’s your motor, Mr. Blenkinsop? Didn’t you tell -me it was the fastest machine in England? - -BLENKINSOP. - -I did say something of the sort. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -We shall catch them up. Gerald, you must drive me. I can’t trust any one -else to go fast enough. - -MRS. DOT. - -But you don’t know which way they’ve gone. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Don’t be so silly. Of course they’ve gone to Brighton. When people elope -they always go to Brighton. - - [MRS. DOT _slips out of the room_. - -GERALD. - -And what’ll you do if we come up to them? You can’t force them to come -back. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -If a woman can’t force her daughter to marry any man she chooses, I -don’t know what the English nation is coming to. - -GERALD. - -I won’t marry the girl against her will. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Fiddlededee! Of course you’ll marry her. Who is this creature she’s run -away with? Perkins! Perkins with a P. I never heard anything so -ridiculous. Do you suppose my daughter is going to be Mrs. -Perkins--Perkins with a P? - -BLENKINSOP. - -You couldn’t very well spell it with a W could you? - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Hold your impudent tongue, sir! - -GERALD. - -Now, let’s have this out and be done with it. I’m no more in love with -Nellie than she is with me, I was going to marry her because I’d -promised to, and it seemed a low down trick to draw back.... - -LADY SELLENGER. - -The man’s mad. The shock has turned his brain. - -GERALD. - -When I heard she’d bolted, I could have jumped for joy. I seem to have -awaked out of a ghastly nightmare. Nothing will induce me to try and -catch her up. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -You monster! How dare you trifle with the affections of my daughter! You -don’t mean to stand by and see her marry a man called Perkins! - -GERALD. - -I wouldn’t even mind if she married a man called Vere de Vere. - -LADY SELLENGER. - -Very well, then, the chauffeur shall drive me. You’re a heartless brute. -Perkins with a P. And penniless to boot. - - [_She flounces out of the room and bangs the door._ - -GERALD. - -Where’s Mrs. Dot? - - [_He goes into the garden._ - -BLENKINSOP. - -What a charming mother-in-law that woman will make! - - [MRS. DOT _comes in with a large kitchen knife in one hand and a - poker in the other_. - -MRS. DOT. - -I’ve done it! - -BLENKINSOP. - -Done what? - -MRS. DOT. - -Lady Sellenger thinks she’s going in your motor, but she isn’t. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Starting up._] What have you done to my motor? - -MRS. DOT. - -As soon as she talked of it, I ran to the kitchen and seized this knife -and I seized this poker. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Woman! - -MRS. DOT. - -I’ve ripped up all the tyres, they’re simply in ribands, James. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Good Lord! - -MRS. DOT. - -I don’t know what I’ve done to the steering gear, but I know it’ll never -work again. Oh, it’s in an awful state. - -BLENKINSOP. - -But that’s a bran-new motor. I’ve just paid eighteen hundred pounds for -it. - -MRS. DOT. - -And so that there shouldn’t be any risk I opened the place where the -works are, and I rummaged around with the poker. I _think_ I’ve smashed -everything. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Oh! Oh! - - [_He buries his head in his hands._ - -MRS. DOT. - -The thing’s a wreck and a ruin. You should have seen the tyres go flop, -flop, flop. - -BLENKINSOP. - -But I’m going to race next week. - -MRS. DOT. - -It’ll be impossible to move it for a month. It _is_ in a state. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Eighteen hundred pounds! - -MRS. DOT. - -I don’t know how much it’ll cost to put right. You don’t mind, James, do -you? - -BLENKINSOP. - -Mind! - -MRS. DOT. - -I shouldn’t like you to be cross with me. - -BLENKINSOP. - -[_Furiously._] Oh! - -MRS. DOT. - -You won’t let this disturb your affection for me? Remember that you’re -going to marry me. - -BLENKINSOP. - -Marry you. I’d rather marry my cook. - - [_He flings out of the room._ - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Looking after him, innocently._] He _is_ in a temper, isn’t he? It’s -very hard to please everybody in this life. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -You’re quite incorrigible. - -MRS. DOT. - -Would you mind taking these implements away? I’m really very tired. - -AUNT ELIZA. - -I suppose breaking motors is rather hard work. - -MRS. DOT. - -And you get very little thanks for it. - - [AUNT ELIZA _goes out_. MRS. DOT _sinks into a chair, with a sigh - of relief_. GERALD _comes in. She realises that he is behind her, - but pretends not to notice him. He comes up softly._ - -GERALD. - -Dot! - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Pretending to start._] Oh, how you frightened me! You might remember -that my nerves are in a very agitated state. - -GERALD. - -You asked me a question a little while ago. I can answer it now. - -MRS. DOT. - -I’m so sorry, I’ve quite forgotten what it was. It can’t have been of -the smallest importance. - -GERALD. - -You asked me if I loved you. - -MRS. DOT. - -How absurd! And do you? - -GERALD. - -With all my heart, and I’ve loved you passionately from the first moment -I saw you. - -MRS. DOT. - -With never a day off? - -GERALD. - -With never a day off. I wanted to tell you every minute, and yet I -couldn’t be such a cad. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Sarcastically._] It’s awfully nice of you to say all this, and I can’t -tell you how flattered I am. - -GERALD. - -Dot! - -MRS. DOT. - -Only it’s rather late in the day. I’ve promised my hand and heart to -James Blenkinsop. - -GERALD. - -Fiddle! - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Raising her eyebrows._] I beg your pardon? - -GERALD. - -[_Firmly._] Fiddle! - -MRS. DOT. - -Are you under the delusion that because a happy chance has freed you -from a previous engagement, I’m going to seize the opportunity and leap -into your arms? - -GERALD. - -You know, women are brutes. One tries to do the straight thing and -behave more or less like a white man, and they make you feel as if -you’d been an utter beast. - -MRS. DOT. - -Do you know why Nellie jilted you? Because you’re a bore. - -GERALD. - -[_Smiling._] I daresay I’m very stupid. I suppose that’s why I love you -so much. - -MRS. DOT. - -My dear Gerald, you were cured of your passion for Nellie in a month. I -have no doubt that a week in Paris will make your heart whole once more. - -GERALD. - -[_Calmly._] Are you packing me off by any chance? - -MRS. DOT. - -Marked--damaged. - -GERALD. - -[_With his tongue in his cheek._] Then Good-bye! - -MRS. DOT. - -_Bon voyage._ - - [_He turns to go and walks slowly to the door. She seizes a cushion - and throws it at him, then turns her back on him. He stops, picks - up the cushion and gravely brings it to her._ - -GERALD. - -I think you dropped something. - -MRS. DOT. - -[_Gravely._] Thank you. - - [_He looks at her, with a smile. She begins to laugh. Suddenly he - takes her in his arms._ - -GERALD. - -You silly little fool. - -THE END - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Mrs. Dot, by W. Somerset Maugham - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MRS. 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