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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..d7b82bc --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +*.txt text eol=lf +*.htm text eol=lf +*.html text eol=lf +*.md text eol=lf diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4328534 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #51927 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/51927) diff --git a/old/51927-0.txt b/old/51927-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 8293255..0000000 --- a/old/51927-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,7282 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Lighter Side of English Life, by -Frank Frankfort Moore - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: The Lighter Side of English Life - -Author: Frank Frankfort Moore - -Illustrator: George Belcher - -Release Date: May 1, 2016 [EBook #51927] -Last Updated: March 13, 2018 - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ENGLISH LIFE *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - - - - -THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ENGLISH LIFE - -By Frank Frankfort Moore - -Author Of “The Jessamy Bride” - -Illustrated in Colour by George Belcher - -T. N. Foulis, London & Edinburgh - -1913 - - - - -CHAPTER ONE--THE VILLAGE - -ONE MORNING A FEW MONTHS AGO A foreigner under the influence of -an aeroplane descended somewhat hurriedly in a broad and--as he -ascertained--a soft meadow in Nethershire; and while he was picking -up his matches preparatory to lighting his cigarette--he has always a -cigarette in his waistcoat pocket, for a man with a Kodak may be lurking -behind the nearest tree--an agricultural labourer on his way to his work -looked over the hedge at him. The foreign person noticed him, and after -trying him in vain with German, French, and Hungarian, fell back upon -English, and in the few words of that language which he knew, inquired -the name of the place. “Why, Bleybar Lane, to be sure,” replied the man, -perceiving the trend of the question with the quick intelligence of the -agricultural labourer; and when the stranger shook his head and lapsed -into Russian, begging him to be more precise (for the aviator had not -altogether recovered from the daze of his sudden arrival), the man -repeated the words in a louder tone, “Bleybar Lane--everybody knows -Bleybar Lane; and that's Thurswell that you can't see, beyond the -windmill,” and then walked on. Happily our parson, who had watched the -descent of the stranger and was hastening to try if he could be of any -help to him, came up at that moment and explained that he was in -England, where English was, up to that time at least, spoken in -preference to German or, indeed, any other language, and that breakfast -would be ready at the Rectory in an hour. - - - - -I--THE ABORIGINES - -It was the Rector who told me the story, adding in regard to the -labourer---- “Isn't that just like Thurswell--fancying that a Czech who -had just crossed the Channel, and believed himself to be in Belgium, -should know all about Thurswell and its Bleybar Lane?” - -I thought that it was very like Thurswell indeed, and afterwards I made -it still more like by talking to the agricultural labourer himself about -the incident. - -“Ay, he spoke gibberish with a foreign accent, and I told him plain -enough, when he had swept his arms and cried 'Where?' or words to that -effect, that he was by Bleybar Lane, and that the place he couldn't see -for the windmill was Thurswell; but it were no use: foreigners be in the -main woeful ignorant for Christian persons, and I could see that he had -no knowledge even of Thurswell when he heard the name.” - -[Illustration: 0023] - -That is our village down to the ground. You could not persuade one -of the aborigines that there is any place in England or outside it of -greater importance than Thurswell, because there is no place of greater -importance to the Thurswellian. An aged inhabitant was taken by his -son to see the coronation procession, and when he was asked what it was -like, replied, after a suitable pause, that it ran Thurs-well's Day -very hard--Thurswell's Day is the name given to the First Sunday after -Trinity, when the Free Foresters and Ancient Shepherds march to church -in sashes, with a band made up of a fife, three flutes, a drum, a -concertina, and a melodion. - -“Ay, neighbours, it ran Thurswell's Day hard,” he affirmed, and did not -flinch from his statement in spite of the incredulous murmur that arose -from the bench nearest the door, which was immediately suppressed by the -landlord, who was apprehensive of a riot. - -Thurswell is a village of antiquity. Its name occurs in _Domesday -Book_, where you may look in vain for any mention of Brindlington, that -mushroom town of 60.000 inhabitants, which is nine miles to the north, -or even of Broadminster, the Cathedral town, which is seven miles to the -west. “Broadminster is where the Dean lives,” I was told by the landlord -of the Wheatsheaf at Thurswell when I was making inquiries about the -district, “and Brindlington is where the brewery is; but my father got -his ale at Pipstone, and I get mine there too, though it's a blow to -Brindlington, for in harvest the best part of a cask goes within a -week.” - -There are several other villages within a mile or so of Thurswell, and -the inhabitants of some are infatuated enough to believe that they -are on a social, as well as a commercial, level with the people of -Thurswell. This singular hallucination caused a good deal of friction on -all sides in years gone by, and _the rapprochement_ that was eventually -brought about between Thurswell and its neighbours by the thoughtfulness -of a Rector, who preached a sermon on the vision of St. Peter and -enjoined upon his hearers to remember that even though people have not -been born in Thurswell they are still God's creatures, was a purely -sentimental one, and did not last. - -Some years ago an article appeared in the _Topographical Gazette_ -from the pen of an eminent archaeologist affirming that Thurswell must -originally have been Thor's Well, so that the place dated back to -the time of the worship of the Scandinavian god Thor; but while -this evidence of its antiquity was received by some of us with -enthusiasm--having been a resident in the village for a whole year I was -naturally an ardent Thurswellian--it was, when reproduced in the _East -Nethershire Weekly_, generally regarded as the invention of some -one anxious to give the enemies of the village some ground for their -animosity toward it. For the suggestion that it had a heathen origin was -not one, it was felt, to which its people could tamely submit. There was -some talk of a public meeting to protest against the conclusions come to -by the archaeologist, and the Rector was considered in some quarters to -be but a half-hearted champion of the Faith when he refused to lend the -schoolhouse--sixty people could be crowded into it--for this purpose, -his argument that the more heathen Thurswell had been in the past, the -more marked should be its display of the Christian virtue of charity in -the present, being criticised as savouring of Jesuitry. For months the -matter was the leading topic of the neighbourhood, and the Hearts of Oak -Habitation of the Ancient Shepherds drew up a resolution protesting in -this connection against “archaeology and every form of idolatry.” It was -the misprint in the _Gazette_ that changed “Hearts of Oak” into “Heads -of Oak” in publishing the proceedings that quenched the violence of the -discussion, and now it is considered bad taste to refer to it at all. - - - - -II.--THE CENTENARIANS - -More recently still another busybody endeavoured to deprive the village -of the reputation which it had long enjoyed as the centre of English -longevity. Now it would be impossible for any one to study the dates -on the tombstones in the churchyard without noticing how great was the -number of centenarians who died within the first fifty years of the -nineteenth century in the parish of Thurswell. There were apparently -eighteen men and fourteen women interred after passing their hundredth -year; indeed, one woman was recorded to have reached her hundred and -twenty-seventh year, which is a good age for a woman. The people were -naturally very proud of the constant references made in print to their -longevity; but one day there came down to the village a member of the -Statistical Society, and after busying himself among the musty parish -registers for a month, he announced his discovery that in every case but -one the date of the birth of the alleged centenarians was the date of -the birth of their parents. The investigator had noticed that all the -alleged centenarians had “departed this life” during the rectorship of -the Rev. Thomas Ticehurst, and centenarianism had always been his -fad. He had preached sermon after sermon on Methuselah and other -distinguished multi-centenarians, and he spent his time travelling about -the country in search of evidence in confirmation of the theory that -Methuselah, though somewhat beyond the average in respect of age, might -yet have been exceeded on his own ground by many people living in the -country districts of England. Nothing was easier, the investigator tried -to show, than for a clergyman in charge of the registers, who had such -a hobby, to assume, when any very old man or woman died in his parish, -that he or she actually was twenty years or so older; and as the -Christian names were nearly always hereditary, in nine cases out of -ten he accepted the registry of the birth of the father as that of the -lately deceased man, and the date of the birth of the mother in regard -to the aged woman, the result being a series of the most interesting -inscriptions. - -I must confess that I myself felt that I had a personal grievance -against this busybody statistician. There is nothing so comforting to -the middle-aged as a stroll through a cemetery of centenarians; and I -had the most uncharitable feelings against the person who could make -such an attempt to deprive me of the pleasant hope of living another -sixty or seventy years. - -But while we were still talking about the danger of permitting strangers -to have access to the registers, I was told one morning that a man who -had once been the gardener at the place which I had just acquired -would like to see me. Now, I had had already some traffic with the -superannuated gardener of my predecessor, and so I was now surprised to -find myself face to face with quite a different person. - -“You were not the gardener here,” I said. “I saw him; his name is -Craggs, and he still lives in the hollow.” - -“Oh ay, Jonas Craggs--young Joe, we called him; I knew his father,” - replied my visitor. “He was only here a matter of six-and-thirty years. -I was superann'ated to make way for him. Young-Joe, we called him, and I -was curious to see how things had come on in the garden of late.” - -“You were superannuated thirty-six years ago,” said I. “What age are you -now?” - -“I'm ninety-eight, sir,” he replied with a smirk. - -I showed him round the garden. He said he could see that the things he -had planted had grown summut; and I walked through the churchyard the -next Sunday with the greatest complacency. - -When I told the Rector that my experience of this grand old gardener -tended to make me take the side of Thurswell and the neighbourhood -against scientific investigation in regard to longevity, he assured -me that if I paid a visit to a certain elderly lady who lived with a -middle-aged granddaughter in a cottage on the road to Cransdown I should -find ample confirmation of the faith for which I had a leaning. The -lady's name was, he said, Martha Trendall, and she really was, he -thought, a genuine centenarian, for she had a vivid recollection of -events which had happened quite ninety years ago; and, unlike most -reputed centenarians, she remembered many details of the historical -incidents that had taken place in her young days; she was a most -intelligent person altogether, and had evidently been at one time a -great reader, though latterly her eyesight had shown signs of failing. - -I made up my mind to pay a visit to this Mrs. Trendall, and thought that -perhaps I might get material for a letter to the _Times_ that should not -leave the scientific investigator a leg to stand on. A month, however, -elapsed before I carried out my intention, though the Rector thought -this was not a case for procrastination: when a lady is anything over a -hundred her hold upon life shows a tendency to relax, he said, for even -the most notorious centenarians cannot be expected to live for ever. But -when I managed to make my call I must confess that I was amply repaid -for the time I spent in the company of Mrs. Trendall. - -I found her sitting in her chair in what is called the chimney corner -when it exists in its original condition in a cottage, but is termed the -“ingle nook” in those red brick imitation cottages which are being flung -about the country by those architects who concern themselves in the -development of estates. I saw at once that such a figure would be out of -place anywhere except in the chimney corner of a cottage kitchen, with -immovable windows, but a “practicable” iron crane for the swinging -of pots over the hearth fire. The atmosphere--thanks to the immobile -casements--was also all that it should be: it was congenially -centenarian, I perceived in a moment. It had a pleasant pungency of old -bacon, but though I looked about for a genuine flitch maturing in -the smoke, I failed to see one--still, the nail on which it should be -hanging was there all right. - -The old woman was quite alert. There was nothing of the wheezy gammer -about her. Only one ear was slightly deaf, she told me when I had been -introduced by her granddaughter--a woman certainly over fifty. She -smiled referring to her one infirmity, and when she smiled the parchment -of her face became like the surface of the most ancient palimpsest: it -was seamed by a thousand of the finest lines, and made me feel that -I was looking at an original etching by Rembrandt or Albert Dürer--a -“trial proof,” not evenly bitten in places; and the cap she wore added -to the illusion. - -She was, I could see, what might be called a professional centenarian, -and so might retain some of those prejudices which existed long ago -against “talking shop” and therefore I refrained from referring in any -way to her age: I felt sure that when the right moment came she would -give me an opening, and I found that I had not misjudged her. I -had scarcely told her how greatly we all liked our house before she -gratified me by a reminiscence of the antepenultimate owner: he had -died, I happen to know, thirty-eight years ago, and Mrs. Trendall -remembered the morning he first rode his black horse to hounds--that was -the year before he married, and his son was now a major-general. “A -long time ago,” I remarked, and she smiled the patronising smile of the -professional at the feeble effort of an incompetent amateur. “Long -ago? Oh no; only a bit over sixty years--maybe seventy.” The difference -between sixty and seventy years ago was in her eyes not worth taking any -account of. Her treatment of this reminiscence gave me warning of what -she could do when she had her second wind and got into her stride. - -“You must have a great memory, Mrs. Trendall,” I remarked. “Was there -much stir in this neighbourhood when Queen Victoria got married? I heard -something about a big bonfire on Earl's Beacon.” - -“'Twere no more'n a lucifer match in compare with the flare up after -Waterloo,” was her complacent reply; and I felt as if I had just had an -audacious pawn taken by my opponent's Queen. “Ay, Thurswell lost three -fine youngsters at Waterloo. There was Amos Scovell, him with the red -hair.” - -“The one they used to call Carrots?” I suggested. - -She brightened up. - -“The very same--Carrots they called him sure enough,” she said, nodding. -“But you couldn't have knowed'un; you're no more'n a stripling as yet. -Doan't you list to all that you hear from them that calls theirselves -ancient old venerables; there's not a one of'un that's truthfully -old--I'm the only one; take my word for it, sir.” - -I gave her to understand (I hope) by my confidential smile and shake -of the head that I was aware of the many fraudulent claims to longevity -advanced by some of our friends about Thurswell. - -“Age? Age is an empty thing without a memory,” I remarked. “But what a -memory you have, Mrs. Trendall! I shouldn't wonder if you recollected -the news of Nelson's victory at Trafalgar arriving in England--oh no: -that was too long ago even for you.” - -She bridled up in a moment. - -“Too long ago for me?--too long, quotha! Don't I mind it as if it -happened no earlier'n last week? It were before I married my first. It -were my father that came a-bustling hasty like and wi' a face rosy -wi' beer and hurry, and says he, 'Nelson has broke the Frenchies on -us--broke them noble, and we may look for'un coming home any day -now,' says he; and there wasn't a sober man in the five parishes that -night--no, not a one. Ay, those was times!” - -“Surely--surely,” I acquiesced. “But now that you can look back on them -quite calmly in the afternoon of your life, would you really say that -they were more lively times than when the Duke of Marlborough was doing -his fighting for us? You've heard your mother speak of Marlborough, I'm -sure.” - -“My mother--speak! Why, I see'un for myself wi' these very eyes when he -come home from the wars--a nice, well-set-up gentleman, if so be that I -know what'tis to be a gentleman. It was when he come to pay his respex -to Squire Longden at Old Deane--the squire that married thrice, as -they said, the first for love, the second for lucre, and the third -for--for--now was it for liquor or learning?--Well, 'twere one of the -two. Ay, sir, those was the times--before there was any talk about -Prince Albert and the Christian Palace in London.” - -“I should rather think so. And if you are old enough to remember seeing -the great Duke of Marlborough, I am sure that you may remember seeing -Oliver Cromwell when he came through Thurswell with his army?” - -“Oliver Cromwell? You've spoke the truth, sir. I see'un once--on'y once, -to be exact. I mind'un well.'Twere in the mid o' hay harvest, and father -come up to us in a mortial great haste, and says he, 'Martha lass, -throw down that rake and I'll show you the greatest sight o' your -life--Cromwell hisself on a mighty skewbald.' And, sure enough, there he -was a-galloping at the head of a fine army o' men, with guns a-rumbling -and the bugles blowing--grand as a circus--ay, Batty's Circus with all -the fun about Jump Jim Crow and Billy Barlow and the rest. Oh, I saw'un -sure.” - -“And Queen Elizabeth--I wonder if you ever chanced to see her?” - -“Never, sir--never! 'Twere always the sorrow o' my life that the day -she passed through Ticebourne, where I was living with my grand-aunt -Martha--her that I was named after--I had been sent with a basket o' -three dozen eggs--one dozen of'em turkeys--to the big house, and her -ladyship not being at home I had to wait the best part of a whole hour, -and by the time I got back the Queen had driven away, so I missed -the chance o' my life; for being since my early years noteworthy for -speaking the truth to a hairs-breadth, I couldn't bring myself to say -that I had seen a royal person when I hadn't. But what I can say is that -I on'y missed seeing of her by twenty minutes, more or less.” - -I began to feel that I might be overwhelmed if I were borne much farther -in the current of the pellucid stream of Mrs. Trendall's veracity; so I -rose and thanked the good woman for her courtesy, and expressed the hope -that the efforts she had made on my behalf to be rigidly accurate had -not fatigued her. - -She assured me that all she had said was nothing to what she could say -if I had a mind to listen to her. - -When I acknowledged to the Rector that the memory of Martha had -surpassed my most sanguine hopes, he was greatly delighted. I thought it -well, however, to neglect the opportunity he gave me of going into the -details of her interesting recollections. Before we dropped the subject, -he said what a pity it was that an historian of the nineteenth century -could not avail himself of the services of Martha to keep him straight -on some points that might be pronounced of a contentious nature. - -Not many days after my interesting interview with Martha, the -professional centenarian, the decease of an unobtrusive amateur was -notified to me. It came about through the temporary disorganisation of -our bread service, which I learned was due to the sudden death of the -baker's mother. Entering his shop a week or two later, I ventured to say -a word of conventional condolence to him, and this was responded to -by him with a mournful volubility that made me feel as if I had just -attended a funeral oration, or an inefficient reading of “In Memoriam.” - It was a terrible blow to him, he said--a cruel blow; and he went on to -suggest that it was such an apparently gratuitous stroke that it made -even the most orthodox man doubt the existence of mercy in the Hand that -had inflicted it. - -“No doubt, no doubt,” I acquiesced. “But, after all, we must all die -some day, Martin, and your good mother could scarcely be said to have -been cut off long before she had reached the allotted span. You know you -can hardly call yourself a young man still, Martin.” - -He shook his head as if to hint that he had heard this sort of thing -before. I think it very probable that he had: I know that I had, more -than once. But I thought that there was no occasion for him to suggest -so much, so I boldly asked him what age his mother had reached. - -He shook his head, not laterally this time, but longitudinally, and -distributing the flies more evenly over a plate of jam tarts with a -mournful whisk of his feather duster, he replied-- - -“She was a hundred and four last February, sir.” - -I turned right about and left him alone with his irreparable grief. - - - - -III. THE POINT OF VIEW - -On the subject of age, I may say that it has always seemed to me that -it is the aim of most people to appear as young as possible--and perhaps -even more so--for as long as possible--and perhaps even longer; but -then it seems gradually to dawn upon them that there may be as much -distinction attached to age as to youth, and those who have been trying -to pass themselves off as much younger than they really are turn their -attention in the other direction and endeavour to make themselves out to -be much older than the number of their years. It is, of course, chiefly -in the cottages that the real veterans are to be found--old men and -women who take a proper pride in having reached a great if somewhat -indefinite age, and in holding in contempt the efforts of a neighbour to -rival them in this way. One of the peculiarities of these good folk is -to become hilarious over the news of the death of some contemporary. -I have seen ancient men chuckle at the notion of their having survived -some neighbour who, they averred with great emphasis, was much their -junior. The idea seems to strike them as being highly humorous. And so -perhaps it may be, humour being so highly dependent upon the standpoint -from which it is viewed. - -In the cottages the conversation frequently turns upon the probability -of an aged inmate being gathered unto his fathers before next harvest -or, if in autumn, before the first snow, and the utmost frankness -characterises the remarks made on this subject in the presence of -the person who might be supposed to be the most interested in the -discussion, though, as a matter of fact, he is as little interested in -it as the Tichborne claimant acknowledged he was in his trial after it -had passed its fortieth day. I was fortunate enough to reach the shelter -of a farm cottage before a great storm a few years ago, and on a truckle -bed in the warm side of the living room of the family there lay an old -man, who nodded to me and quavered out a “good marn.” I asked the woman, -who was peeling potatoes sitting on a stool, if he was her father or her -husband's father. - -“He's Grandpaw Beck; but don't you take any heed o' him, sir, he's -dying,” she replied, with the utmost cheerfulness. “Doctor's bin here -yestereve, and says he'll be laid out afore a week. But we've everything -handylike and ready for'un.” - -[Illustration: 0033] - -She pointed to a chair on which some white garments were neatly laid. “I -run the iron o'er'em afore settin' to the bit o' dinner,” she explained. - -I glanced at the old man. He nodded his approval of her good -housekeeping. He clearly thought that procrastination should be -discountenanced. - -The flashes of lightning and the peals of thunder seemed to me to be by -no means extravagant accompaniments to this grim scene (as it appeared -in my eyes). I have certainly known far less impressive scenes on -the stage thought worthy of the illumination of lightning and the -punctuation of thunder claps. - -This familiar treatment of the subject of the coming of the grim figure -with the scythe prevails in every direction. A friend of mine had a like -experience in a cottage in another part of the country. The man of the -house--he was a farm labourer--was about to emigrate to Canada, and was -anxious to get as good a price as possible for some pieces of old china -in his possession, and my friend had called to see them by invitation. -He was brought into a bedroom where the plates were to be seen on a -dresser; and by way of making conversation on entering the room, he -asked the man when he thought of leaving England. - -“Oh, very shortly now,” he replied. “Just as soon as feyther there dies” - (jerking his head in the direction of a bed), “and he's far gone--he's -dying fast--Doctor Jaffray gives us great hope that a week'll -finish'un.” - -He then went on to talk about the china, explaining that three of the -pieces had been brought by his grandmother from the Manor House, where -she had been still-room maid for twenty-six years. - -“Twenty-eight years--twenty-eight years, Amos,” came a correcting -falsetto from the bed. - -“You know nowt o' the matter,” cried the son. “This is no business o' -yours. We doan't want none o' your jaw. Go on wi' your dying.” - - - - -CHAPTER TWO.--OUTSIDE THE VILLAGE - - - - -I.--THE GENERAL - -ON A VERY DIFFERENT PLANE OF INterest I regard my experience of two -delightful old people whom I found living, the one a mile or two on -the Brindlington side of Thurswell, the other on the Broadminster side, -“where the Dean lives.” The former is an old general who once -commanded a regiment of Sikhs and spent fifty years in India. He is now -eighty-three years of age, and has two sons with the rank of colonel, a -grandson who is a captain of Sappers, and two who are lieutenants in -the navy. The old man has nothing of the bristling retired general about -him--not even the liver. He is of a gentle, genial nature, not very -anxious to hear the latest news, and not at all eager to make his -visitors acquainted with his experiences in India or his views as to the -exact degree of decadence reached by “the sarvice.” He speaks in a low -and an almost apologetic tone, and is interested in old Oriental china -and tortoiseshell tea-caddies. One could never believe that this was -the man whose sobriquet of Shire-i-Iran (Lion of Persia) was once a -household word along the turbulent northwest frontier, or that he had -been the most brilliant exponent of all the dash which one associates -with the cavalry leader. His reputation on that long frontier was that -of an Oriental equivalent of the Wild Huntsman of the German ballad. -People had visions of him galloping by night at the head of his splendid -Sikhs to cut off the latest fanatical insurrectionary from his supports, -and then sweep him and his marauders off the face of the earth. -Certainly no cavalry leader ever handled his men with that daring -which he displayed--a daring that would have deserved to be called -recklessness had it once failed.... And there he sat at dinner, talking -in his low voice about the fluted rim of one of his tea-caddies, and -explaining how it was quite possible to repair the silver stringing that -beautified the top. Once I fancied I overheard him telling the person -who sat by him at dinner about the native regiments--I felt sure that -I heard the word “Sepoy,” and I became alert. Alas! the word that I had -caught was only “tea-poy”--he was telling how he had got a finely cut -glass for a deficient caddie out of an old nineteenth-century mahogany -tea-poy. That was the nearest approach he made to the days of his -greatness. - -But I noticed with satisfaction that he partook of every dish that was -offered to him--down to the marmalade pudding. At dessert he glanced -down the table and said that he thought he would have an apple. “No, -dear,” said his daughter, gently but firmly removing the dish beyond his -reach. “You know that you are not allowed to touch apples.” - -“Why, what harm will an apple do me--just one--only one apple?” he -inquired, and there were tears in his voice--it had become a tremulous -pipe, the tone of a child whose treat had been unjustly curtailed. “No, -dear, not even one. It is for your own good: you should have an apple if -it agreed with you; but it doesn't.” - -“I want an apple--I can't see what harm an apple would do me,” he cried -again. But his daughter was firm. It was very pathetic to witness -the scene. The Lion of Persia becoming plaintive at being denied a -rosy-cheeked apple. The man who, with a force of only six hundred sabres -behind him, had ridden up to Mir Ali Singh with the three thousand -rebels supporting him, and demanded his sword, and got it, not being -able to get his apple when he had asked for it nicely, seemed to me to -be a most pathetic figure. I pleaded for him as one pleads for a child -in the nursery: he had been a good boy and had eaten all that had been -set before him quite nicely--why might he not have an apple to make him -happy? - -But the daughter was inexorable. She told me that I did not know her -father, while she did. An apple would be poison to him; and so the old -hero was left complaining, with an occasional falsetto note, upon the -restrictions of his commissariat. I am pretty sure that there was no -falsetto note in any of his complaints in regard to commissariat forty -years ago. - -He was a noble old warrior, however, for when his daughter had, with the -rest of the ladies, left us after dinner, he never put out a hand to -the apple dish, though there was no man at the table who would have -interfered with him had he done so; the Newtown Pippins remained -blushing, but not on account of any disloyalty on his part to the duty -he owed to the daughter who had his welfare at heart. - - - - -II.--THE DEAR OLD LADY - -The aged lady who lives in a lovely old moated house a few miles out of -Thurswell is one of the youngest people I ever met. She is the mother -of two distinguished sons and the grandmother of a peeress. She takes an -interest in everything that is going on in various parts of the world, -and even points out the mistakes made by the leader-writers in the -London papers--some of the mistakes. But she does so quite cheerfully -and without any animus. She still sketches _en plein air_, and in her -drawings there is no suggestion of the drawing-master of the early -Victorians. Any elderly person who could hold a pencil and whose moral -character could bear a strict investigation was accounted competent to -teach drawing in those days; for drawing in those days meant nothing -beyond making a fair copy of a lithograph of a cottage in a wood with -a ladder leaning against a gable and a child sitting on a fence--a -possible successful statesman in the future--with a dog below him. She -never was so taught, she told me: she had always held out against the -restrictions of the schoolroom of her young days, and had never played -either the “Maiden's Prayer” or the “Battle of Prague.” Thalberg's -variations on “Home Sweet Home” she had been compelled to learn. No -young lady in that era of young ladies could avoid acquiring at least -the skeleton of Thalberg's masterpiece: and I was glad that this -particular old lady, who had once been a young lady, had mastered it; -for it enabled her to give me the most delightful parody upon it that -could be imagined. - -Only once did I hear her speak with bitterness in referring to any one; -but when she began upon this occasion, she spoke not only bitterly, but -wrathfully--contemptuously as well. She was referring to the Emperor -Napoleon III. in his relations with the unhappy Maximilian of Mexico. -She had known the latter intimately. My own impression is that she had -been in love with him--and tears were in her eyes when she talked of how -he had been betrayed by the man whom she called a contemptible little -cad. Sedan represented, in her way of thinking, the cordial agreement -with her views by the Powers above. To hear her talk of those tragedies -of more than forty years ago, as if they were the incidents of the day -before yesterday, was inspiriting. I never inquired what was her age, -but one afternoon when I called upon her I found that a birthday party -was going on--a double party; for it was her birthday as well as -her youngest grandchild's. Two fully iced cakes, with pink and white -complexions, were being illuminated in the customary way, and each had -been made a candelabrum of eight tapers. When I ventured to suggest -that there must be an error in computation in some direction, it was -the younger of the beneficiaries who explained to me that about seventy -years or so ago Granny had become too old to allow of her birthday cake -holding the full amount of the candles to which she was entitled, so it -had been agreed that she should have only one candle for every ten years -of her life. The little girl confided in me that she thought it was -rather a shame to cheat poor Granny out of her rights, but of course -there was no help for it: any one could see that no cake could be made -large enough to accommodate, without undue crowding, eighty-one candles. - -I looked at the sweet old Granny, and thought, for some reason or -other, of the night of the first January of the century when I had stood -listening to the tolling of the eighty-one strokes of the church bell in -Devonshire, when every belfry in the kingdom announced the age of the -good Queen who had gone to her rest. I wondered... - -This dear lady of the eight-candle birthday cake--of which, by the bye, -she partook heartily and apparently without the least misgiving--had -been married at the age of seventeen, and this, she thought, was exactly -the right age for a girl to marry, not, as might be supposed, because -it admitted of her period of repentance being so much the longer, but -simply because she considered grandchildren so interesting. She was not -inclined to be tolerant over the prudent marriages of the present day, -when no girl is unreasonable enough to expect a proposal before she -is twenty-five, or from a man who is less than thirty-five. It almost -brought me back to Shakespeare's England to hear her express such -opinions. That stately old lady, Juliet's mother, as she appears in -every modern production of the play, was made by the author to be -something between twenty-six and twenty-seven, her daughter being some -months under fourteen, but certainly forward for her age. We used to be -informed by sage critics of this drama “of utter love defeated utterly” - that Shakespeare made Juliet so young because it was the custom in -Italy, where girls developed into womanhood at a much earlier age than -in England, for a girl to marry at Juliet's time of life. It so happens, -however, that early marriage was the custom in England and not in Italy -in the sixteenth century. When a girl was twelve her parents looked -about for a promising husband for her, and usually found one when she -was thirteen. - -Only a few months ago I came upon an unpublished letter, written in the -beautiful Gothic hand of Queen Elizabeth, in response to the inquiry of -an ambassador respecting a wife for an amiable young prince. The Queen -suggested two names of highly eligible young women, and mentioned that -one of them was twelve and the other thirteen! - -The most flagrant example of unbridled centenarianism which I have yet -come across in the course of my investigations in the neighbourhood of -Thurswell was that of a lady who had won quite a literary aureole for -her silver hair owing to the accident of her being actually the original -“Cousin Amy” of Tennyson's “Locksley Hall.” For years she had worn this -honourable distinction, and, so far as I could gather, her title to it -had never been disputed. Even in the Cathedral Close of Broadminster the -tradition had been accepted, and she had been pointed out to strangers, -who doubtless looked at her with interest, saying, “Not really!” or “How -perfectly sweet!” - -I ventured to ask the prebendary who had told me that the poet had been -in love with her and consequently “greatly cut up” when she married some -one else--as might be inferred from some passages in the poem--what -was the present age of the lady, and he assured me that she was -seventy-four. She did not look it, but she really was seventy-four. I -had not the heart to point out that twenty-three years had elapsed since -Tennyson published his sequel--“Sixty Years After”--to his “Locksley -Hall,” so that this “Cousin Amy” must be at least a centenarian if she -had not died, as described in the sequel, between eighty and ninety -years ago. She was, however, a nice old lady and her name was really -Amy, and she had known Alfred Tennyson when she had been very young and -he a middle-aged gentleman whom it was a great privilege to know. - - - - -CHAPTER THREE--THE VILLAGE VILLAS - - - - -I.--THE PILLARS OF SOCIETY - -THURSWELL IS UNDOUBTEDLY AN IDeal English village situated in the -midst of an agricultural county, and far away from the unhealthy and -demoralising influences of trade. It prides itself on being “select”--so -does every other English village, even when it lies deep embowered among -the striking scenery of a coal-mining district. But Thurswell is really -“select.” A strange family may come to one of the best houses--one -of the four or five that have entrance gates with lodges and carriage -drives--and yet remain absolutely ignored by the older residents. Of -course the shopkeepers pay the newcomers some little attention, and the -ladies who collect for the various charities and the various churches -are quite polite in making early calls; but the question of calling -formally and leaving cards simply because the people are newcomers, -requires to be thoroughly threshed out before it is followed by any -active movement on the part of the senior residents. It has been -called unsocial on this account; but everybody in the world--at least, -everybody in Thurswell--knows that to be called unsocial is only another -way of being called select The Rector must pronounce an opinion on the -strangers, and--more important still--the Rector's wife. The example of -the Barnaby-Granges, who have lived for centuries at the Moated Manor -House, must be observed for what it is worth. It is understood that -people like the Barnaby-Granges may call upon strangers out of a sense -of duty; but every one knows how far astray from the path trod by the -“select” a sense of duty may lead one, so that the fact of the Manor -House people having called upon the newcomer is not invariably regarded -as conferring upon the latter the privilege of a passport to the most -representative Society at Thurswell. The strangers must wait until Mrs. -Lingard and Miss Mercer have decided whether they are to be called on -or ignored. Mrs. Lingard is the widow of a captain of Sappers, and Miss -Mercer is the middle-aged daughter of a previous rector, and for years -these ladies have assumed the right of veto in respect of the question -of calling upon newcomers. Within the past year, however, this question, -it should be mentioned, has developed certain complications, owing to -the strained relations existing between the two ladies. Previously they -formed a sort of vigilance committee to determine what should be done, -but since the breaking off of diplomatic relations between them the poor -people who had previously looked to them jointly for guidance are -now compelled to consult them severally as to the course they mean to -pursue, and all this takes time, and the loss of time in the etiquette -of first calls may be construed into actual rudeness by sensitive -people. - -That is how we stand at present; and although many well-meaning -persons--not invariably belonging to clerical circles--have endeavoured -to bring about a _rapprochement_ for the good of the whole community -between Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer, hitherto every effort of the kind -has failed. - -When the particulars of the incident that brought about the friction -between the two ladies are known, it will easily be understood that -a restoration of the _status quo ante_ is not to be accomplished in a -moment. - -It was all due to the exceptionally dry summer. People who retain -only the pleasantest recollections of that season of sunlight and balmy -breezes will probably find reason to modify their views respecting it -when they hear how it led to the shattering of an old friendship and, -incidentally, to the complication of the most important social question -that can come before such a community as is represented by Thurs-well. - - - - -II.--THE SHATTERING OF THE PILLARS - -The facts of the matter are simple enough in their way. Each of the -ladies occupies a small house of her own, fully, and not semi-detached, -with a small patch of green in front and a small garden at the back; -but the combined needs of front and back are not considered sufficiently -great to take up all the time of a gardener working six days in the week -during the summer. There is enough work, however, to take up three days -of the six, with window-cleaning thrown in, in slack seasons. As the -conditions of labour are identical in the case of the gardens of both -ladies--only Miss Mercer throws in the washing of her pug to balance -Mrs. Lingard's window-cleaning--John Bingham, the jobbing gardener of -Thurswell, suggested several years ago that he should divide his time -between the two gardens, and this plan, to all appearances, worked very -satisfactorily in regard to every one concerned. - -[Illustration: 0051] - -Only John Bingham was aware of the trouble involved in keeping both -gardens on precisely the same level of “getting on”--only John Bingham -was aware of the difficulty of preventing either of the ladies from -seeing that anything in the garden of the other was “getting on” better -than the same thing in her own patch. It might have been fancied that -as they were in complete agreement respecting the necessity for a strict -censorship upon the visiting lists of the neighbourhood as regards -strangers, there could not possibly exist any rivalry between them on so -insignificant a matter as the growth of a petunia or the campanile of -a campanula; but John Bingham knew better. It had been his task year -by year to minimise to the one lady his success with the garden of -the other--to say a word of disparagement on Thursdays, Fridays, and -Saturdays of all that he had been praising on Mondays, Tuesdays, and -Wednesdays. But sometimes Nature is stronger even than her greatest -enemy, a jobbing gardener, and so it was that when Mrs. Lingard chanced -to pay a visit to Miss Mercer on a Thursday, she found the garden of the -latter, just recovering from the hand of John Bingham's attention on the -Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, obviously superior in some respects to -her own, and John found his diplomatic resources quite unable to meet -with the demand for an explanation when she got home. It was in vain -that he tried to make her understand, what she certainly should have -known already from her experience of the ministrations of John--namely, -that not he, but the superior soil and aspect of Miss Mercer's -herbaceous border, should be regarded accountable for the marvellous -growths which had attracted her attention in the garden of her rival. -His Thursday, Friday, and Saturday patron declared herself far from -satisfied with such an explanation. Soil! Had she ever shown herself -to be close-fisted in the matter of soil? she inquired. And as for -aspect--had he not chosen the aspect of the herbaceous border at which -he was now working? No, she knew very well, she affirmed, that what -made a garden beautiful was loving care. She professed herself unable to -understand why John should lavish all his affection upon Miss Mercer's -border rather than upon her own; all that she could do was to judge by -results, and, viewed from this basis, it could not but be apparent -to every unprejudiced observer that he had been giving Miss Mercer's -borders such loving touches as he had never bestowed upon her own: the -flowers spoke for themselves. - -John had heard of the Language of Flowers, but he had never mastered the -elements of their speech. As a matter of fact, he took no interest in -flowers or their habits. He had “dratted” them times without number for -their failure to do all that the illustrated catalogues declared they -would do, and now he found reason to drat those of Miss Mercer for -having done much more than he had meant them to do. It was with a view -to restore the balance of mediocrity between the gardens, which had been -through no fault of his, disturbed by a sudden outbreak of “Blushing -Brides” in Miss Mercer's parterre, that he gave some extra waterings -to Mrs. Lingard's verbinas, trusting to convince her that he was -a thoroughly disinterested operator in both the gardens--which was -certainly a fact. But in that arid summer the response of the verbinas -was but too rapid, and Miss Mercer, calling upon her friend (and rival), -was shown the bed with the same pride that she had displayed when -exhibiting her petunias. - -She said nothing--the day was Saturday--but she perceived, with that -unerring intuition which in some persons almost takes the place of -genius, that petunias had been supplanted (literally) by verbinas in the -affections of John Bingham. - -She spent the Sunday rehearsing an interview which she had arranged in -her mind to have with John Bingham when he should arrive the next day. - -But Monday came, and John Bingham failed to arrive. She waited at the -back entrance to the garden until ten o'clock, but still he did not -appear. Then she sent a messenger to his cottage to inquire the cause -of his absence. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were her days for his -services, and never once had he failed her. She could not guess what was -the matter. She had always regarded him as a sober man and one for whom -Monday morning had no terrors. The mystery of his first failure was -rendered all the more unfathomable when the tweeny maid returned saying -that Mrs. Bingham had told her positive that John had gone out to work -as usual that same morning, and that Mrs. Bingham had taken it for -granted that he was in Miss Mercer's garden. - -For a quarter of an hour Miss Mercer pondered over the whole incident, -and then she suddenly put on another hat, discarding the garden specimen -with which she had begun the day, and went down the road and round by -the Moated Manor House to where Mrs. Lingard's villa was situated, just -beyond the knoll of elms. The hall door was wide open to the morning -air, and through the glass door at the farther end of the hall she -distinctly saw Mrs. Lingard standing on the edge of one of the beds of -the garden with John Bingham kneeling at her feet. - -And this on a Monday morning! - -John Bingham had actually attended morning ser-vice in the church the -day before--Miss Mercer had seen him there--and yet on Monday he -had broken faith with her, and now, at ten-thirty, he was engaged in -planting out the contents of the capacious basket which Mrs. Lingard was -doling out to him. - -And Mrs. Lingard was wearing her garden hat just as if the day was -Thursday, Friday, or Saturday, when she was entitled to his services. - -And Mrs. Lingard had also been at church the previous day and had -repeated the responses in her ordinary tone of voice, and without -faltering, though beyond a doubt her heart had been full of this scheme -of suborning a faithful, if somewhat weak, servant from his allegiance -to the mistress who had an undisputed claim to his services the next -day! - -Without a moment's hesitation Miss Mercer passed into the hall, opened -the glass door beyond, and stood beside the guilty pair before either -of them was aware of her presence. She saw that the man was planting -asters--the finest aster cuttings she had ever seen. - -“John Bingham, are you aware that this is Monday morning?” she said in -an accusing voice, and so suddenly that a cry of surprise--it may have -been with guilt--came from Mrs. Lingard, and John Bingham let drop his -trowel and wiped his forehead. - -“Good gracious, Lucy! Where did you drop from without warning?” cried -the lady in the garden hat. - -“I am addressing John Bingham, madam,” said Miss Mercer in icy tones. -“And once again I ask John Bingham what he means by being here when his -place should be in my garden.” - -“I can easily explain, my good woman,” said Mrs. Lingard, lapsing, under -the “madam” of the other, into the tone of voice she had found effective -with the native servants in the West Indian island of St. Lucia when her -husband had been stationed there. - -“I am not addressing you, madam,” said Miss Mercer hotly: her glacial -period had passed and had given place to the volcanic--the -suppressed volcanic. “I wish to be informed why this man--this -traitor--this--this----” - -“Don't be a greater fool than you are by nature, my good creature,” said -Mrs. Lingard. “But I might have known that you could be disagreeable -over even such a trifle as my sending to John Bingham to assist me -for an hour in planting out the asters which were only delivered this -morning when they should have been here on Saturday. If I had not begged -him to come to my help for a couple of hours the lot would have been -spoiled. In justice to him I will say that he was very unwilling to -come.” - -“And what does that mean, pray?” asked Miss Mercer sneeringly. - -“It means that he knew you better than I did,” responded Mrs. Lingard. -“He has had more experience of your narrow-mindedness than I have had. -Now, go on with your work, John. Don't mind her.” - -But John did not go on with his work. He touched his forehead with the -drooping aster that he held rather limply, saying, in the direction of -Miss Mercer--“I can easy make up the extra however, ma'am--mortal easy, -in the evenin', and so I thought or I wouldn't be here now.” - -“There, let that satisfy you, make your mind easy; you'll not be -defrauded of the shilling for his two hours,” said Mrs. Lingard. - -“You will be good enough to dictate to your inferiors, if such exist, -madam; you need not dictate to me. You may keep your John Bingham now -that you have him; I have made other arrangements for the future of my -garden.” - -She turned with a mock courtesy. Mrs. Lingard also turned. - -“Lucy Mercer, go back to your--your--your hen-run,” she cried, pointing -dramatically to the place of exit. “Go on with your work, John Bingham. -Mrs. Hopewell will only be too glad to take on your Thursdays, Fridays, -and Saturdays. _She_ has a garden--_a garden_.” - -That is the true and circumstantial account of how Mrs. Lingard and Miss -Mercer ceased to be on speaking terms, and that is how it is that many -people are becoming more hopeful of the future of Thurswell as the -centre of a social neighbourhood. Each lady still arrogates to herself -the right of veto in respect of the claims of any strange family to be -visited on taking up their residence within reasonable visiting distance -of Thurswell; but the people who formerly had been ready to accept the -dictum of the two in such social matters are now beginning not only to -assert their own independence of action, but even to dictate to others -on all points on which they themselves had been dictated to--in no mild -way--by Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer. But a mistake that was recently -made by one of these immature dictators has done much to chasten their -longing to take up the responsibilities attached to such a position. She -had spoken with that definiteness which marks the amateur on the subject -of the visiting of a certain Mrs. Judson Hyphen Marks who had taken -Higham Lodge for a year, and accordingly quite a number of people left -cards upon her. But suddenly the name of Judson Hyphen Marks appeared -rather prominently in the columns devoted to the Law Court proceedings -in the daily papers, and some curious information respecting the -_ménage_ of the Judson Hyphen Marks was brought under the notice of the -people of Thurswell and, indeed, of England generally; and those who had -left cards upon them consulted together as to whether it was possible or -not for them to ask for their cards to be returned to them. - -The general opinion that prevailed after several long discussions on -this question was that no social machinery existed by which so desirable -an object might be effected, and no move was made in that direction; but -ever afterward the dictation of the feeble amateur who thought to take -the social reins out of the hands of Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer -when it was found that they were pulling them in opposite directions, -threatening to upset the social apple-cart, was received for what it was -worth, not for what it claimed to be worth. - - - - -III.--FLOWERS AND FRIENDSHIPS - -The instance just recorded of horticulture playing a prominent part in -the breaking up of friendships is by no means unique. When one comes -to think of it, one cannot be surprised that as the earliest serious -quarrel recorded in the history of the world was over a purely -horticultural question--namely, whether or not the qualities of -beneficent nutrition attributed to a certain fruit had been accurately -analysed--there should be many differences of opinion among the best of -friends on the same subject. - -It was my old gardener--not-the oldest of all, but the second -oldest--who told me how it was that the annual prize given by the Moated -Manor House people for the best floral display of the cottage order was -very nearly withdrawn for ever, owing to the bad blood that was made by -the award, no matter in what direction it was made. It seemed that the -prize-winner invariably found himself compelled to accept the challenge -to fight of all the disappointed aspirants to the prize, and before -nightfall there was a general distribution of black eyes and front -teeth; in some cases both got inextricably mixed up, and this was no -pleasure to anybody, my informant assured me, and the wives of the men -who were keen to compete for the prize discouraged them from it, -with the warning that if they continued to spend their time over the -cultivation of the blooms they might some day actually find themselves -awarded the prize. That warning, founded as it was upon sound sense and -reason, was beginning to produce its effects upon the better class of -flower growers; but there were still a number of young fellows who went -into training at the punch ball at the Church Institute club-room the -day they sowed their flower seeds, and so were at the top of their form -when the award was made in the early autumn, so that if one of them got -the prize he thought if a pity that his training and practice at the -punch ball should be wasted, and thus he was ready to prove to all -disputants that the prize had gone to the best man; while it was only to -be expected that those who had only had the cold consolation of honorary -mention were only too ready to dispute his ability to maintain such an -attitude for any length of time. - -The result of this joint cultivation of bulbs and biceps was not just -what the givers of the prize intended to achieve, and twice, when there -had been arrests and summonses to petty sessions, a formal warning was -issued to all whom it might concern that if the connection between -the two cultures were not severed, the prize, which was only meant for -success in the one, would be withdrawn. - -Happily, however, it was not found necessary to enforce this ultimatum, -and a _modus vivendi,_ founded upon one which had been understood to -work very satisfactorily in the case of the Chrysanthemum Society of -Mallingham, was adopted, and up to the present this had made for peace. -The annual Battle of Flowers at Thurswell has become a thing of the -past, and “Midge” Purcell, the ex-lightweight champion of the county, -who rents the Lion and Lamb Inn, and to whom the candidates for the -prize applied for advice on the biceps side of the joint contest, -affirms with regret that Englishmen are becoming degenerate. - -It was a peace-loving florist at Mallingham, the honorary secretary -to the Chrysanthemum Society, who explained the system upon which his -committee had agreed to make their awards, and urged its adoption by -the Thurswell people. Its operation was not intricate. Its fundamental -principle may best be defined on the analogy of the rotation of crops as -the rotation of awards. Like the award of the Garter, merit had nothing -to do with its scheme. The prizes were awarded strictly in turn to the -professional competitors--the others did not matter. Mr. Johnson got the -chrysanthemum cup one year, Mr. Thompson the medal for the best twelve cut -lilies, Mr. Cardwell the Malmaison salver, and Mr. Prior the vase for -the best display of greenhouse ferns. The next year it was arranged that -the vase should go to Mr. Johnson, the salver to Mr. Thompson, and so -forth. By the adoption of this admirable plan the judges were saved a -large amount of trouble, and there never was any friction between the -competitors, for it was understood that if it was Prior's year for the -lily medal, but he had a liking for any other prize, he could nearly -always negotiate an exchange with the man whose turn had come for the -award that he fancied. This principle of give and take, live and -let live, had made the Mallingham Society one of the most popular -floricultural organisations in the country, and its adoption by the -Thurswell Committee of the Manor House prize brought about, as has been -said, an entire cessation of that ill-feeling which led to the use -of language that was certainly not the language of flowers, and to -many-discreditable scenes even when there were no arrests made. The -cause of peace has triumphed, though some people say that floriculture -languishes through the lack of heal thy rivalry; for when every man is -certain of the prize when his turn comes for it, he does not trouble -about the flowers. There may be something in this suggestion. - -Taking one consideration with another, it really does seem a pity that -the rotation system is not more widely accepted by those societies which -have been established for the encouragement of sundry excellent objects, -such as the breeding of bull-dogs (for symbolic purposes), of pugs -(of no use to any one when they are bred), of pigs (of which the -prize-winner is invariably the most uneatable), and of pets (in various -forms). In our neighbourhood such organisations are to be numbered by -the dozen, and after every prize distribution the air is murmurous with -the complaints of disappointed competitors. It was a shrewd farmer who -suggested to me the principle on which the awards are made at our local -dog show. “The reason why there's so much grumbling, sir, is because the -judges look at the wrong end of the leash,” he said, and I understood -what he meant. - -[Illustration: 0061] - -I know that the impression is very general that the pedigree of the -exhibitor rather than that of the exhibit influences the local judges. - -But I must confess that I could not bring myself to sympathise with one -of our new residents who, after living in London all his life, bought -Harley Croft House, a 40 h.p. motor-car and six pairs of gaiters, and -set up as a country gentleman. It must be acknowledged that at times he -looked a colourable imitation of one. He hoped that his starting of -the breeding of cattle and fowl would consolidate his position. But his -researches in the literature of both subjects at the same time resulted -in some confusion. Of course his pointing out some drab-tinted cows -to the steward of the Manor and alluding to them definitely as Buff -Orpingtons was a slip that any one might make; but to hope to win -sympathy for a wrong done to him by the judges at the poultry show by -affirming that his bantam cock was really twice the size of the one to -which the prize had been awarded was, I think, a strategical mistake of -a flagrant character. - -Much more in the spirit of the country gentleman was the remark made to -me by a neighbour who hunts five days a week in winter and talks about -hunting seven days a week in the summer, on a purely literary subject. -He had been at the Military Tournament in London the year that _The -Merchant of Venice_ was being played at Her Majesty's Theatre, and he -confided in me that he thought on the whole it was very fine indeed, -though for his part he enjoyed _The Runaway Girl_ at the Gaiety more -fully. He could not quite understand the point of some of the jokes in -_The Merchant of Venice_, he said. For instance, he should like to know -what there was to laugh at in the chap's saying to the Jew that some one -had shown him a turquoise which he had bought from the Jew's daughter -for a monkey. Any one who knew anything about precious stones knew that -to pay a monkey for a single turquoise, even though set in an 18-carat -ring, was to pay a fair price. Of course you couldn't get much of a -diamond ring for twenty-five pounds; but you could get a first-rate -turquoise for half the money. But there were some people, he knew, -who would laugh at any joke if they were only told it was in a play of -Shakespeare's. I agreed with him, and laughed. - -That was not the sort of man who would make a fool of himself over -Buff Orpingtons or cherish his bantams in proportion to their size and -weight. - - - - -CHAPTER FOUR--THE COMEDIES OF THE COUNTRY HOUSE - - - - -I.--LESSEES FROM THE MIDLANDS - -IT WAS THE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE second generation of one of the -shirt-sleeves families of the midlands who took a lease of Nethershire -Castle, the finest mansion in our neighbourhood. The Court of Chancery -had decreed that it might be let for a term of years, the length of -which was fixed by certain Commissioners in Lunacy, for Sir Ralph -Richards had been in the care of a specialist in mental diseases for -a long time, and it was understood that there were little hopes of his -ever being able to enjoy his own again. Higgins was the name of the -lessee from the north, and with his wife and family he had occupied the -Castle for close upon ten years. He was a simple enough man as regards -his tastes: he could not appreciate the beauty of the cedar wood ceiling -of the banqueting hall or the Renaissance carved panels of the library. -The splendid Gainsboroughs and Romneys of the Long Gallery made no more -appeal to him than did the Van Dycks in the great hall or the three -Fragonards of the drawing-room. He was quite satisfied with the -reputation of having sufficient money to pay for the privilege of living -in the midst of these masterpieces and of keeping about an acre and -a half of roof in good repair: he knew more about the advantages of -close-fitting slates than of the methods of eighteenth-century English -artists or of fifteenth-century Italian carvers. - -His wife, however, valued to the full the artistic privileges of -living in so splendid a house, and she was not one to shrink before the -searching glances of Frances Anne, the wife of the first baronet of the -house of Richards, as painted by Sir Joshua, sacrificing to Venus, or -to assume that Lady Elizabeth had turned aside from making a libation -to Hymen--Hymen demanded quite as many sacrifices as Venus on -eighteenth-century canvases--to ask her what right she had to sit in the -seats of the Richards of Nethershire Castle. She knew what her husband -paid in the way of rent, and she felt that the same was large enough to -avert from her any indignant look that a sentimentalist might imagine on -the face of the most malevolent family portrait. In fact, Mrs. Higgins -considered the sum large enough to allow of her assuming the attitude of -the patroness in regard to the pictures: she had actually been heard by -a friend of the Richards to express a critical opinion respecting the -pose of the daughter of the second baronet--the one who became well -known as the Countess of Avonwater--in Romney's picture of her as -Circe, and to suggest that the charger of Lieut.-Colonel Jack Churchill -Richards--he was called after his father's great commander--in the -picture by Sir Godfrey Kneller was scarcely large enough to make a polo -pony. It was, however, clearly understood that these criticisms were -offered by the lady only by way of establishing her rights over the -contents of the mansion so long as her husband paid so handsomely as he -did for the privilege of such an entourage. She had probably heard of -certain rights-of-way being maintained by a formal walking over the -ground to which they referred, by the claimant, once a year, and so she -thought it well to walk over the pictures, so to speak, now and again to -show that she understood the rights of her position. She really felt -the greatest pride in everything, and in the course of a few years her -feeling in regard to them was that of a conscientious descendant from -illustrious ancestors. She was much prouder of them than the modern -Major-General in _Patience_ was of his ancestors acquired by purchase. - -A visit that I paid to the Castle in the temporary possession of the -family of Higgins was illuminating. I went not because I had ever met -either Mr. or Mrs. Higgins, but because I was acquainted with Miss -Richards, a charming old lady who was the sister of the unhappy baronet, -and had been born in the Castle and lived there for twenty-five or -thirty years, only leaving for the dower-house on the death of her -mother. - -Miss Richards was on the friendliest terms with the tenants of her old -home, and I could see that they were pleased to welcome all the friends -whom she might bring with her to see the wonders of the Castle. But it -was Mrs. Higgins who “did the honours” of the picture gallery, when we -went thitherward after tea one lovely afternoon in sum mer shortly after -I had come to Thurswell. It was Mrs. Higgins who assumed the rôle of -Cicerone and told me all about the pictures, and gave me duodecimo -biographies of the originals with all the familiarity that one would -expect only from a member of the family. Miss Richards stood by smiling -quite pleasantly, even when Mrs. Higgins looked at her, saying something -about a pink-coated Captain Richards by Raeburn, and I was disposed to -laugh at the comedy of Mrs. Higgins of Lancashire telling Miss Richards -of Nethershire something confidential about Captain Richards, her -great-granduncle! - -I admired the picture, but not nearly so much as I did the coolness of -Mrs. Higgins and the kindly toleration of Miss Richards. - -“And this is the portrait by Thornhill of Miss Esther Richards, who -afterwards married General Forster, who took part in the American War, -and to avenge the murder of poor André--he called it murder, though, -of course, some people think that André was really a spy,” said Mrs. -Higgins. “Doesn't it seem strange to think of that sweet little girl-” - -“Oh, pardon me,” cried Miss Richards, “you are not quite right. That is -Lotitia Richards by North-cote. She married Sir Charles Brewster, who -was killed at Waterloo.” - -“Oh no,” said the tenant, “you are quite wrong. I assure you that this -is Esther. Your Lotitia is the girl in Oriental costume in the library.” - -“My dear Mrs. Higgins, how could I possibly be mistaken over such a -matter?” said Miss Richards. “My dear mother told me how Letty Brewster -came here one day when she was eighty-two years of age, and how pathetic -it was to see her stand before her own picture done when a girl; but my -mother said that really some of the charm of the picture--she had lovely -eyes, as you can see--was apparent on the face of the dear old lady of -eighty-two.” - -“I am afraid that you are mixing this picture with another,” said Mrs. -Higgins quite good-naturedly. - -And then Miss Richards gave a laugh. - -“We had better pass this picture and look at one which could not -possibly be mixed up with another,” she said. “I hope you will agree -with me in believing that this is Hoppner's Lady Charlotte Richards, -Mrs. Higgins.” - -“Oh yes, you are quite right about _that one_,” said Mrs. Higgins as -graciously as a governess commending the right answer given by an errant -pupil. “Oh yes, that is Lady Charlotte. I believe she became pious and -wrote a hymn. You have heard that, I suppose, Miss Richards?” - -“I do believe I did,” replied Miss Richards. “In fact, I have the tiny -volume of hymns which she wrote. She was under the influence of Lady -Huntingdon.” - -But Mrs. Higgins clearly took very little interest in Lady Huntingdon, -and she went down the gallery making mistake after mistake; but Miss -Richards never attempted to correct her--only once she caught my eye. -Mrs. Higgins had attributed the Master Richards of Lawrence to Sir Peter -Lely! - -We were far away from the Castle before we had our laugh. - -“Wasn't it really funny?” said Miss Richards. - -“I think that you must be the most even-tempered person in the county, -if not in all England,” said I. - -The friendly relations existing between the two ladies were not at all -changed by the persistent patronage of the picture gallery by the one -who was the tenant, and Mrs. Higgins was always ready to offer a hearty -welcome to any of Miss Richards' friends and to do the honours of the -Castle. I did not, however, trespass upon her hospitality a second time. - -A year or two later I met a curious sort of gentleman who bore the same -name as that of a family of considerable importance--county importance, -I should say, for outside a ten-mile radius they are, as is usually -the case, absolute nonentities. I had heard some say, however, that the -family grounds included a rather wonderful fountain which I thought -I should like to see. I asked the man if he was any relation to the -family, and he replied, brightening up wonderfully, that they were his -cousins. - -“I believe they have a nice place,” said I. “Isn't there a fountain that -came from the Villa Borghese? I am greatly interested in that sort of -thing.” - -“You must mean the one with the mermaids,” said he. - -“I dare say that is the one,” said I. - -“If you go in for things like that you should certainly see it,” he -cried. “Let me see how I can manage it.” - -“You are very kind,” said I. “But I could not think of bothering you in -the matter. I dare say that some day I shall have a chance----” - -“I have it,” he cried. “The family are going away for a fortnight at -Easter, and when they are gone I could easily show you over the grounds. -I'll just make sure of the day they leave, so that there may be no -mistake.” - -In spite of a promise of such lavish hospitality, I resisted the -temptation of being shown over the grounds in the way that was proposed: -the fact being that I had no confidence in my own ability to act the -part of the housekeeper's nephew or the second footman's uncle who are -admitted to the great house when the family are away. - -I trust, however, that I convinced the enterprising cousin of the great -house that I fully appreciated his spirited offer to allow me a peep at -the Borghese fountain through a chink in the back door, as it were. - -I learned subsequently that the great family started in a tannery in -Mallingham a hundred and twenty years ago. It was no wonder that any one -in my station of life could only be expected to approach their demesne -by a back way. - - - - -II.--THE LEGENDS OF THE COUNTRY HOUSE - -On the subject of great houses, I may venture to say, it has always -seemed to me to show a singular lack of imagination on the part of some -one that one legend should be forced to do duty for so large a group, -and this legend so devoid of any stimulating quality. It seems to me -that the legends of the country houses of England are, like all Gaul, -divided into three parts. All through the south one is shown the room -in the mansion in which Queen Elizabeth slept. There is scarcely a Tudor -house in which that particular monarch did not sleep for at least one -night of her life, and so highly cherished is this family tradition that -I have known of cases in which she slept in a room at least sixty -years before the mansion itself was built. Then around London one is -constantly pointed out by local antiquaries the house in which Nell -Gwyn lived. “Madam Ellen” certainly seemed given to “flitting.” A dozen -houses at least are associated with her name. North of the Tweed we are -confronted with the Mary Queen of Scots and the Bonnie Prince Charlie -legends. Any story that fails to touch upon the vague history of the -worthies whom I have ventured to name as presiding over each department -of tradition, seems to be regarded as uninteresting. Although monarchs -of quite as blessed memory as Queen Elizabeth must have slept in many -mansions in their time, yet few rooms are consecrated to the memory -of their slumbers, and although many ladies of the Court were quite as -deserving of having their memory enshrined or ensign-ed in the name of -a fully licensed public-house as Evelyn's “Impudent Comedian,” yet none -seem to be regarded as so good a draw as Nell Gwyn. The chairs of Mary -Queen of Scots are as plentiful as the mementoes of the other Stuart -worthies. I myself have seen in a mansion an Italian cabinet which I -was assured had belonged to Queen Mary. But when I asked for evidence on -this point I found that there was none forthcoming. I did not get so -far as to make such an inquiry in the case of a mahogany looking-glass -offered to me by a foolish dealer south of the Tweed, who declared that -it had been in the possession of the same unfortunate lady. It was not -to me, however, that another dealer tried to sell a dagger that had once -been worn by the Young Pretender, the proof of its authenticity being -displayed in the roughly cut initials “Y.P.,” evidently the work of -Bonnie Prince Charlie himself, on the leather sheath. - -Generally speaking, I think it may be assumed that no monarch ever slept -in a room that was not built until he had been dead for a hundred years. -Fifty years should be accepted as the minimum for such an incident. -And the probabilities are that no relic of even the most easy-going -sovereign should be accepted as authentic that was not made within at -least ten years from the date of his or her death. - -As for the legends of the member of the family who was known as “the -wicked lord” or “Black Sir Ughtred,” there is a tiresome sameness about -them all, and most of them should be treated as overworn coins and -called in. For instance, there is the story of the dreadfully wicked man -of property--his portrait is usually in a panel over the fireplace in -the hall--who provoked a neighbour of whom he was jealous to fight a -duel with him after dinner one afternoon. They used pistols, taking aim -across the table that bore the decanters and wineglasses, and the wicked -gentleman shot his friend through the heart, but escaped the -consequences of the fell deed by inducing his companions to announce to -the world that the man had died simply of heart failure. The story is -plausible enough, if you assume that the coroner and the sheriff and all -the other authorities were three-bottle men, and it is easy to suppose -that in the early eighteenth century such high officials might be so -described; but there is no necessity to wind up the story by showing the -visitor the mark that the bullet made in the linen-fold wainscoting of -the dining-room. You see, that striking evidence of the scrupulous -accuracy of the story makes it essential for you to believe that the -fatal bullet passed through the worthy gentleman's heart and slued round -his backbone before lodging in the woodwork behind him, and this is -asking too much. - -I do not suppose that there is a Parliamentary Division of any county in -England that does not contain a mansion with a room in which this duel -was fought. Upon one occasion I visited a lesser country house where -I happened to know a duel had been fought in the dining-room in the -eighteenth century. I did not venture to inquire of the owner if he had -heard of that tragic incident: I did not believe that he had; but when -I was examining a very spurious picture attributed to Canaletto, after -admiring a dexterous forgery of a rocky landscape by Salvator Rosa, he -drew my attention to a portrait of a “black-avised” gentleman in a wig, -and the story of the historical duel came out at once. - -“I must show you the panel in the dining-room that was splintered by the -bullet,” said my host; and though I did not insist, he kept his word. - -“It is said,” he continued, when I was looking at the imperfect -woodwork, “that the fellow was so stricken with remorse that he -would never allow the panel to be repaired, in order that he might be -constantly reminded of his deed; and it's a tradition in our family that -it is never to be repaired, so there it is to-day.” - -I did not make myself objectionable to the family by assuring them -that they might send for the carpenter any time they pleased without -offending the shades of their ancestors, for it so happened that that -particular duel was fought with swords and not with pistols. - - - - -III.--FATE OF THE FAMILY PORTRAITS - -In connection with family traditions and family portraits there are -bound to be some grimly humorous episodes with the lapse of time, owing -to the exactions of those Chancellors of the Exchequer who have held -office since the creation of the Death Duties, as they are called. When -a man with no ready money of his own inherits an estate that has not -paid its expenses for many years, and a splendid mansion containing -about fifty pictures, which, according to the most recent auction-room -prices, may be worth from £100,000 to £150,000--people at picture sales -think in pounds and bid in guineas--the question that at once presents -itself is how to meet the demands of Somerset House. The fortunate heir, -without a penny in his pocket, is called on to hand over from £10,000 -to £15,000, according to his relationship to the late owner, and he -wonders how he is to do it. In some cases that have come under my notice -the only feasible way out of the difficulty has been taken, and some -of the pictures have been sold in order to pay for the privilege of -retaining the others. In the case of some historical mansions, however, -every picture in the gallery is perfectly well known to the world, and -the heir has a good many more qualms about selling any of them than -Charles Surface had about disposing of his collection, with the -exception of “the little ill-looking fellow over the settee.” He -feels--if he is capable of any feeling at all--that he is selling his -own flesh and blood, and he always wonders what people will say when -they come to visit the historical house and find blank panels in which, -for perhaps two or three hundred years, stately figures of men and -graceful figures of women had appeared. - -What is he to do in such circumstances, while he is thinking his -thoughts on a settee in the hall, and the Chancellor of the Exchequer -is pulling away like mad at the wrought-iron bell handle outside and -telling the butler that his instructions are not to leave the place -until his bill is paid? - -It seems that there is only one way by which the honour of the family -can be preserved. There are trusty agents who can negotiate for an -immediate and a secret sale of certain of the pictures. These are taken -out of their frames or out of their panels, copies are made and put -where the originals had been for years, and when the latter are passed -on to New York or Chicago, unsuspecting lovers of Art stand beneath -copies in admiration of the power of the Masters! - -That is how the honour of the great family remains untarnished, while -the Chancellor of the Exchequer strikes a match on one of the stone -columns of the porch, lights his cigarette, and goes jauntily down the -avenue with a large cheque in his breast-pocket. - -All very well this for the time being; but a little comedy may possibly -take place some years later, when once again Death Duties have to be -paid, and probably at an increased rate per cent. No note may have been -made of the pictures that were sold, and the copies have been subjected -to the admiration of visitors without a misgiving. There are, I -happen to know, copyists of Sir Joshua Reynolds and others of Thomas -Gainsborough, Romney, Raeburn, Lawrence, and the rest, of such skill in -reproducing the style of their particular Master that only the cleverest -connoisseur could say, after the lapse of a year or two, which are the -originals and which the copies. How, then, is a valuation to be made -when the new owner enters upon his inheritance? - -I fancy that it will be discovered Masters than were suspected of it had -made replicas of their greatest works, and shipped off one to Chicago -while selling the other to the great English families who gave them the -order a hundred years or so ago. - - - - -CHAPTER FIVE--THE COUNTY, OLD AND CRUSTED - - - - -I.--THE STRANGERS - -WHEN THE LATE MR. W. P. FRITH WAS AT the height of his fame, and -engravings of his “Derby Day” and “The Railway Station” contested for -prominence on the flowery flock-papered walls of many drawing-rooms with -Landseers “Monarch of the Glen,” he went to pay a visit to his daughter -in a southern county, and she has placed it on record that when she -mentioned his name to the leaders of Society in various localities it -conveyed nothing to them. - -Why should it convey anything to them? He did nothing but paint all his -life. Fame in painting, in music, in writing, means nothing--in many -cases rather less than nothing--to the society of any English county. If -the man had brought down a couple of hunters and gone out three times a -week to hounds, the people in his division of the county would talk -to you of him and look on you with astonishment if his name conveyed -nothing to you; and the wife of a retired country doctor who takes -up what is known as Church work--organising village teas and village -concerts and Sunday “Unions”--is at once accorded a position that counts -as fame in such communities in England. - -But if it were not for observing these features in country life nothing -of its lighter side would be apparent. There is nothing so comical as a -picture in which all the laws of perspective are ignored; and living in -a country town in England is like placing oneself in the position of the -man in Edgar Allan Poe's story who, looking out of his window, saw -an immense and hideous monster--a thing with splay feet and a huge -proboscis--stalking with mighty steps across a distant lawn, and was -greatly perturbed until he discovered that the creature was only an -ordinary sort of spider walking across one of the strands of its web, -which was drawn across the window pane. - -Every day one may have experience of people living in the midst of such -distorted perspective--fancying that the commonplace insects that move -before them are creatures of enormous proportions and importance, and -quite as frequently assuming that because an object appears small to -them, being far away from them, it is quite insignificant. If one -cannot find humour in observing the attitude of people who ignore the -conditions of perspective in this way, one must be stolid indeed. - -A typical inhabitant complained to me very bitterly some time ago of -having just discharged a very thankless duty in respect of a stranger -who, at the instigation of his brother--a London barrister of some -repute--had called upon him in motoring through the county. He admitted -that the stranger was a nice enough sort of man, but wholly devoid of -appreciation of the relative importance of the persons whose houses were -pointed out to him from the summit of the old castle which the stranger -had been anxious to visit. - -“I showed him Lord Riverland's place--as much of it as we could see -through the trees--but all he said was, 'Who is Lord Riverland?'” - continued the man, pouring his complaint into my ear. “And then I told -him that just beyond Eglam Church was the Shillingdales' place. 'Funny -name, Shillingdale!' was all that he remarked; but when we were leaving -the castle he saw the gable of Maxfield's house sticking out, and he -took a fancy to that tumbledown place and asked who lived there. I told -him. 'Maxfield,' he said. 'Not Laurence Maxfield, I suppose?' I said -that I believed his name was Laurence. 'What! Laurence Max-field, the -painter?' Yes, I said, I heard he was something in that line. Well, -you should have seen his face at that. 'How can I ever thank you -sufficiently for pointing out that house to me?' he cried. And when -we got down to the road he kept hovering about that place, and once he -said, 'What kind fate led me here to-day? And yet I might have gone away -without so much as glancing at the house of Laurence Max-field!' Now, -is it any wonder that I almost lost my temper? I had pointed out to the -fellow Riverland Park and Shillingdale Hall, and yet I don't believe he -ever heard of Lord Riverland, or knew that Captain Shillingdale had been -made a D.L. for the county! But he almost became maudlin over the two -old cottages that Maxfield knocked into one! A painter! The idea of -making a fuss over a painter!” - -“You forget that the man was a total stranger to our neighbourhood,” - said I. “You must make allowances: he knew no better.” - -He said he supposed the fellow really did know no better; and I am -convinced that in his own way he abused his visitor to his wife for -the man's deplorable lack of all sense of proportion, to ignore the -privilege of having a distant view of the mansion of a deputy-lieutenant -of an English county and feasting his eyes on the cottage of a painter! - - - - -II.--THE INSECT AND THE MAMMOTH - -A more amusing example still of the insect being taken for the -mammoth was given to me by the person whose mammoth-like proportions -(intellectually) were neglected because all eyes were directed upon the -passage of an insignificant local insect across the line of vision. - -He was a literary man whose name is known and respected in every part -of the world--not merely in that narrow republic known as the world -of letters. He was staying for a week at the house of a friend, when a -lady, who was getting up a charity concert at Ringdon, calling at the -house one day, and being told in a whisper by one of the daughters of -the family when walking through the garden that they had a celebrity -with them, entreated him to “do” something for the entertainment of her -audience: she didn't mind what it might be that he would do, if he only -agreed to do something. - -Now it so happened that the lady had a more potent qualification -than persistence in making an appeal to a man--she was extremely -good-looking--and the man could not resist her importunity. He pro-mised -to tell some short stories at the concert, and, in accordance with the -terms of his promise, he turned up in the schoolhouse where the concert -was to take place, supported by his host and two of the family. But the -charming lady had not mentioned the fact that the entertainment was -to supplement a parochial tea, and when they arrived this part of the -programme was scarcely over. There were no printed programmes; only the -clergyman who presided had before him a list of the performers and the -nature of their performances, and he at once called upon a young woman -who played very prettily on the piano. A young man, who professionally -was the assistant to the Ringdon baker, was then called upon to sing the -“Death of Nelson,” which he did without faltering. When the applause had -died away the clergyman rose from his chair and said-- - -“My dear friends, we have with us this evening a gentleman who has very -kindly consented to contribute to our entertainment. He is a gentleman -with whose name you will all be familiar. Were he not present I should -like to refer more particularly to his honourable career; for in his -presence I feel that it would not be good taste to do so, and, besides, -he is so modest that I know he would be set blushing even though I were -only to say one-half of all that was his due. My dear friends, I call -upon you to give a hearty welcome to Mr. Reuben Robinson, who has come -all the way from Netherham to give you his entertainment familiar to you -all, I am sure, under the title of 'Charlie and Charlotte.'” - -The amateur ventriloquist went on the platform with his horrid puppets, -and the young people cheered him for several minutes. - -Later in the evening the clergyman, without any preliminary discourse, -called upon the literary celebrity to tell his stories. Now throughout -the world this writer is known as Alec Bidford, and now for the first -time in his life he heard himself alluded to as Alexander Bedford; and -it became clear to him that the good clergyman had never heard his name -before! - -Happily the victim of the beautiful lady's importunity has a keen sense -of humour, as any one who goes farther than the parson did, and reads -one of his books, will not need to be told, and I have never heard him -more humorous than when he refers to his selfconsciousness while the -clergyman was dealing with the fame achieved by--Mr. Reuben Robinson, -the amateur ventriloquist, who had come all the way miles from the -village of Netherham, where he sold bacon in the daytime. I do not -know what Alec Bid-ford's opinion is, but I do know that there are some -people who believe that this sort of discipline is good for one, whether -one may be a literary celebrity or some lesser personage. An appearance -in a Court of Law usually serves the same purpose; but it must be more -than irritating to a man whose name is known to and honoured by every -member of his own profession to be treated in the court with no more -consideration than is extended to the merest nonentity. The judge -professes never to have heard his name mentioned before, and, if he has -been a witness, refers to his evidence without thinking it necessary -to give him the ordinary prefix of “Mr.” I have seen six of the most -distinguished literary men in England--popular men, too, as well as -geniuses--give evidence in a Court of Law, and yet the calling out of -name after name did not cause even one of the solicitors' clerks to -raise his head from the paper which he was reading, and the jurymen -chatted together without being in the smallest degree impressed by the -prospect of hearing the great one's voice. - -This also is discipline, I suppose. At any rate, it suggests that a -provincial town is not the only place where a sense of proportion is -lacking. - - - - -CHAPTER SIX--THE OLD COUNTY TOWN - - - - -I.--IN THE HIGH STREET - -IF OUR THURSWELL IS A TYPICAL English village, assuredly Mallingham is -a typical country town, only inclining to the picturesque side rather -than the sordid. Like most picturesque towns, it is more highly -appreciated by strangers than by its own inhabitants. Its one long -street crawls along a ridge of the Downs, and from the lower level -of the road that skirts this ridge and meanders among fat farms and -luscious meadows, with an old Norman church here and there embowered in -immemorial elms and granges mentioned in _Domesday Book_, steep lanes -of old houses climb to the business street. It is really impossible to -reach the town without a climb of some sort; and this fact, which made -the site an ideal one, from the standpoint of the mediaeval founders of -its walls and gates, remnants of which may yet be discovered by any one -searching for them in a true archaeological spirit, causes a good deal -of grumbling among the residents on both levels, who have to face many -climbs in the course of an ordinary day's work. But motoring strangers, -who pass through the town by the hundred every day, travelling between -the two fashionable coast resorts, glance down the narrow lanes and say, -“How simply lovely!” or “Doesn't it remind you of Nuremberg?” Perhaps -it does remind them of Nuremberg--I have known people who affected to -be reminded of Sorrento at Brighton--but for my part Mallingham only -reminds me of an English country town, the convenient centre for a -ten-mile area of villages. Enough business is done in its properly -called High Street to allow of two banks keeping their doors open, and -of half a dozen shopkeepers making modest fortunes in the course of a -hundred years or so, and retiring from their half-timbered places of -business to the avenue of red brick villas with well fires and radiators -which an enterprising “developer” of one of the manors perceived to be -a long-felt want. But the shops go on from generation to generation with -the old names over the front, and in many cases with the family of the -new generation living on the premises in the good old way. Only in this -sense, however, may the tradesmen be said to be “above their business”; -there is not the least disposition on the part of any of them to appear -anything beyond what they are, for the simple reason that they do not -think that the world holds anything better than a Mallingham tradesman. -And, indeed, I am not sure that the world holds anything less ambitious. -The aspirations of most of them do not go beyond the acquiring of a -plate-glass frontage. Occasionally this dream literally crystallises, -and when the crates are known to be actually awaiting delivery at -the Goods Station, the “consignee” of the waybill is pointed out to -strangers by the simple casement shopkeepers with bated breath and an -occasional break in the voice. It is understood that the plate-glass -front can only be achieved by a limited number of traders, and for years -it was accounted a gross piece of presumption for any one whose lineage -as a shopkeeper could not be traced through at least three generations -of bill-heads to make a move in the direction of a “front”; but just -before last Christmas a bolt from the blue fell upon the astonished -town, for the two demure old ladies who kept a small millinery shop -(with gloves and table linen at the farther end) put up bills on -their small latticed window announcing a cheap sale in consequence of -“impending alterations.” Now that particular shop front had remained -unchanged for certainly a hundred and fifty years--perhaps two hundred -and fifty years--and the two old maiden ladies who had looked after it -for close upon half a century seemed the most conservative of persons, -so it was taken for granted that the alterations which were “impending” - had reference only to the affixing of a new sun-blind in good time for -the summer, or perhaps an outside lamp to make the winter nights more -cheerful. - -After a considerable amount of discussion on the subject an informal -deputation waited upon the ladies to obtain information on a matter -which, it was understood, affected the well-being of the whole -community, and which was approaching a stage when a specific -pronouncement one way or another was absolutely necessary. - -Then it was that the truth was revealed. The maiden ladies had, -they confessed, been surreptitiously discussing the putting in of a -plate-glass front, and they had come to the conclusion that as they -were both old and life at best was uncertain, they should not any longer -procrastinate the carrying out of a scheme which the growth of the town -and its increasing importance fully warranted, they thought. - -It took just four days to fix the new front in its place; but it was the -topic of the town for months, and even now you will see an occasional -group of town people discussing the innovation and wondering what things -are coming to. - -The dimensions of the topic were, as I ascertained for my own -satisfaction, nine feet broad by seven feet high. This was the _premier -pas_. It led to the extravagance of a sunk letter sign, picked out -in gold, an outside lamp, and a spring sun-blind, all of the most -conventional pattern, and all to my mind in the condition of the “party -in a parlour” in the Wordsworth parody. In short, a charming old house -with many features of interest was transformed into a foolish hybrid -thing--a single sheet of plate-glass on the ground floor, beneath -two pairs of small cottage casements with delightful stone eaves. So -prosperity turns out the picturesque or, at least, relegates it to the -basement, and so a street with all the charm of past centuries clinging -to it is fast becoming commonplace, and strangers driving through it -laugh at the feeble attempts to give the commercial air of Harrods to -a row of cottages--about as sensible a proceeding as it would be to -attempt to assimilate the façade of Hampton Court with that of Hampton's -in Pall Mall. - -Happily there are still some sixteenth-century eaves left and also some -eighteenth-century bow windows--the gentle curved bow of the -eighteenth century, not the detestable obtuse-angle things of the -mid-nineteenth--and happily the spirit of commercial enterprise does -not pervade the entire community. Several of the houses that have been -turned into shops contain admirable chimneypieces and panelled rooms, -with an occasional fire-back and basket grate. It seems, too, that there -must have lived in the place a century or so ago a master workman with a -great fancy for decorating chimneypieces after the style of Adam; for -in many of the rooms of sixteenth-century houses may be found quite good -examples of the early style of Robert Adam. In one house there is a fine -parlour decorated throughout in this way. - - - - -II.--PRECIOUS PANELLING - -Some time ago a mason, while doing some repairs in a room in a very old -timbered house, disclosed some oak panelling which probably belonged -to the sixteenth century. The news of the discovery went abroad, and a -collector of “antiques” in the neighbourhood bought the woodwork for -a hundred pounds--far more than it was worth, of course, but that is -nothing; the effect of the find and of the sale was disastrous to the -occupants of other old houses, for they forthwith summoned masons and -carpenters and began pulling down their walls, feeling sure that a -hundred pounds' worth of panelling was within their reach. They were all -disappointed; for several years had passed before the landlord of the -chief hotel--it had once been the county town house of a great local -family--found behind the battens which served as the stretchers of the -canvas that bore some very common paper in his coffee-room, a long range -of oak wainscoting covered with paint. The usual local antiquary made -his appearance, and through dilating upon its beauty and abusing the -vandalism that had spread those coats of paint upon the oak, induced the -landlord to give the order to have the panels “stripped” and made good. -He little knew what he had let himself in for! The carpenters and the -painters attacked the room with spirit (of turpentine), and for weeks it -remained in their hands; for it was found that at least twenty coats of -paint were upon the woodwork, and that a great portion of it was only -held together by the paint, so that with the removal of this binding -medium the panels became splinters. - -Before the end of a profitless six weeks the good landlord was wishing -with all his heart that that relic of a bygone period had been allowed -to rest comfortably buried beneath the papered canvas that had entombed -it all. The bill that he had to pay for the restoration was for such a -sum as would have been sufficient to buy the same quantity of absolutely -new panelling, he explained to some people to whom he went for sympathy! -He laid great stress upon the fact that he could actually have got new -panelling for the price of repairing the old! - -[Illustration: 0103] - -And this was the spirit in which a far-seeing but non-antiquarian lady, -who lived in another ancient house in the same street, received the -liberal offer of a gentleman from the United States who had taken a -fancy to her oak staircase. It was a commonplace type and might be found -by the dozen in any old town; but he told her that he would pay her a -hundred pounds for it, and she jumped at his offer. The staircase was -carted away and a new one of serviceable deal, absolutely fresh from the -carpenter's shop, was put in its place. - -Her example induced a relation of hers--also a maiden approaching the -venerable stage--to sell the panelling of one room, the fireplace of -another, the Georgian pillared cupboards of a third, and actually -the old black and white slabs of the square hall. Hearing of all this -selling going on, an enthusiast made her an offer for the pillared porch -of the house, and another for the leaden cistern on the roof and the -copper rain-water head. Last of all, a man who was building a house in -imitation of the old in the neighbourhood set covetous eyes upon her -twisted chimney-pots and some peculiar coping tiles on the roof. She -accepted every offer--with modifications; but when she had fulfilled her -part of the business she found herself a solitary figure amid the ruin -of a nice house, but with a nice little sum in her pocket. It was at -this juncture that an enterprising tradesman from Brindlington, who was -on the look out for “branches,” came upon the half-dismantled house. -Thinking that it was about to be pulled down, he made inquiries about -it, and these he considered so satisfactory that he bought, at a good -price, all that the previous speculators had left of it, completed their -work of demolition, and within six months had erected upon the site -some “desirable business premises” in the cheapest red brick, with an -inconceivable broad expanse of plate-glass which he called somebody's -“Co-operative Stores.” He had co-operated with so many people in -carrying out the work of destruction in regard to the old premises, it -seemed only fit that the same principle should be maintained in their -reconstruction. The place is only a branch establishment, but it is said -to be flourishing as well as the parent tree. - - - - -III.--THE AMENITIES OF THE HIGH STREET - -Every here and there between the shops in the High Street is a -house that has survived the request--it never amounts to a demand -in Mallingham--for “business premises.” Quite unpretentious is the -appearance of all these houses, but the front door opens upon a hall -that is a hall, and not a mere passage to a narrow staircase. Admirably -proportioned rooms are to be found on every floor, and usually a door at -the farther end of the hall admits one to a garden, and not a mere patch -of green. Here are gardens that have been cultivated for hundreds of -years and so artfully designed that each of them has the appearance of a -park, with lawns, and terraces, and pergolas. Here, not thirty feet -back from the street, are acres of orchard, with mulberry trees of the -original stock introduced by James I. to make possible his scheme of -English silk weaving. The arbutus has also a home in several of -these surprising pleasure grounds, with several other rare but fully -acclimatised flowering shrubs. Shady walks among giant lilacs and -laburnums lead to banks of roses and beds of lilies, and hardy borders -of brilliant colour such as a stranger could never fancy might be found -in so unpromising a region. - -The lucky residents in these wonderful houses are usually extremely -exclusive--if they were not so, goodness only knows what might happen. -When a lady of good family finds herself living next door to a grocer -and an ironmonger, she is bound to take steps to prevent the possibility -of any one fancying that she belongs to that _galère_, and the steps -that some of them take with this fact in their mind are sometimes very -diverting. They usually assume the form of ignoring the existence, -not so much of the grocer and the ironmonger as of the other ladies -similarly situated. If you call upon Miss Wheatly at No. 10 High Street -and, after praising up her garden, refer to the garden of Miss Keightley -at No. 20, Miss Wheatley will express great interest, saying she has -often heard that Miss Keightley's garden is quite charming, but she -has never seen it for herself. Miss Keightley on her side may go -even further, and not merely pretend that she has never heard of Miss -Wheatley's garden, but also that she had no idea that any one named -Wheatley lived in the town. This is at first, but she occasionally -betrays a scrupulous anxiety to be accurate by asking, “What did you say -the name was? Wheatley? Oh yes, to be sure I remember hearing the other -day that a Miss Wheatley lived at No. 10. And you say she has a nice -garden?” - -And these good ladies may have been living within a few doors of one -another for forty odd years, and the father of the one may have been in -the butter trade, while the father of the other was in eggs. - -The social distinctions in a country town such as Mallingham are -sometimes very pathetic. It might be thought that the people would find -a bond of union in that illiteracy which they enjoy in common, or in -that profound ignorance of everything connected, however distantly, with -art or science in which they live from one end of the year to the other; -but one does not find it so. Mallingham is perhaps the most ill-informed -town in England on all matters pertaining to culture, whether literary -or artistic. A stranger who was unacquainted with this fact thought he -was scoring a point in a speech which he had been called on to make in -the absence of the Member for the Division at the annual banquet of -the Barham Trust--the most important incident of the winter in -Mallingham--when he remarked that he felt that the town must be the -centre of the greatest literary activity; for, motoring through the High -Street, he found on one of the shop signs the name Swift, on another -the name Smollett, a little farther on he came upon an Addison (great -applause), and finally he found himself close to the house of Hume. -Surely, he said, these names spoke for themselves. - -They had need to, for none of the élite of Mailingham could speak for -any of them, except Addison, for Mr. Addison was a pork butcher, who the -day before had been elected a member of the Corporation, after a hard -struggle with a saddler. It so happened that the bearers of all the -other literary names were not applaudable people--two of them were -definitely unpopular--but the name of Mr. Addison was received with -cheers, not by reason of his connection with _The Spectator_, but simply -because of his recent achievement, and no one at the banquet had the -least idea what the orator was referring to in bringing forward that -string of names. “He might surely have mentioned Mr. Fawley, who was -twice Mayor, or George Hanson, who has just bought the saw mills,” a -prominent burgess remarked to me when I was in his shop the next day. -“But what has Peter Swift done, or Tom Smollett, or even Walter -Hume? Decent enough men, I don't deny, but out of place when named in -prominence at the Barham Banquet.” - -I never met anyone in the town who had heard these names in any other -connection than that of Mailingham shopkeepers. - -Some time later a new curate at St Bartholomew's, when proposing a vote -of thanks to the chairman of one of his social meetings (with a magic -lantern and an amateur ventriloquist), became erudite and droll by -referring to “what Dr. Johnson said about music.” The next day one -of the churchwardens--a land agent--asked him how on earth he could -attribute such a sentiment to Dr. Johnson. “I knew Dr. Johnson as well -as most people, and there never was a man in the town who enjoyed a -song better or knew better what a good song was,” he said; and when the -perplexed curate recovered himself sufficiently to be able to explain -that there was another Dr. Johnson who said things besides the person of -the same name who had once enjoyed quite a large and lucrative practice -as a fully qualified veterinary surgeon at Mallingham, the churchwarden -smiled and shook his head. “As much as to say,” the clergyman added in -telling me the story--“as much as to say that my excuse was far from -plausible, but that he would accept it to prevent the matter going -farther.” - -That narrative I found to be beautifully typical of the literary -erudition of Mallingham. - - - - -IV.--THE TWO ICONOCLASTS - -Some four or five miles away are the imposing ruins of a great abbey -of the Franciscans. It had once been of so great importance in the land -that when the archabbey wrecker decreed that it should be demolished, -he sent his most trustworthy housebreaker to carry out his orders. Now -everybody of education in Mallingham can tell you all that is known -about the venerable ruin, and it is the pride of the town that it should -be so closely connected with the history of the Abbey; but I have never -yet met with any layman in the neighbourhood who was not under the -impression that the crime of its destruction should be added to the -pretty long account of that Cromwell who was called Oliver, and I should -not like to be the person who would suggest that there was another -Cromwell--one who did not decapitate his king, but whom his king -decapitated. - -For that matter, however, it must be acknowledged that the people of -Mallingham do not stand alone in mixing up those iconoclasts. I have -found that in many parts of England as well as Ireland every deficiency -in the features of a church figure or a church ornament is attributed to -the later Cromwell. In Ireland I have had pointed out to me by clergymen -of both churches the headless saints and the broken carvings caused by -the fury of “Cromwell,” though I knew perfectly well that the work of -sacrilege could not have been done by him, for two reasons, the first -being that in his devastating progress through Ireland he had never -approached the places in question, and the second being that the sacred -buildings in which the damage was done had not been built until long -after Cromwell had sailed for England, after being soundly-beaten at -Clonmel. - -Of course in Ireland there was only one “curse of Cromwell”; but -in England I soon found that there were two, and so the progress of -confusion began, until at the present time, when you are visiting any -old church and see in a niche an adult saint with a broken nose, or a -carved rood screen deficient about the rood, the verger--sometimes the -rector himself--is quite fluent in explaining that the heavy hand of -Cromwell must be held accountable for the spoliation. If you ask which -of the two, the answer will most certainly be, “Why, Cromwell to be -sure--Cromwell--Oliver Cromwell.” - -An outsider should not interfere. The shade of Oliver would not shudder, -even if such an expression of emotion were permitted the shadiest of -shades, at the accusation being directed against him instead of the -older Cromwell. He would probably say, if speech were allowed to him, -“I have the greatest possible satisfaction in allowing my name to be -associated with any act of iconoclasm of the nature of those acts so -conscientiously perpetrated by my distinguished countryman.” - -He would feel that, could he have had any hand in smashing in the roofs -of monasteries and despoiling rich abbeys, it would be accounted to him -for righteousness. After such splendid acts of spoliation, knocking the -nose off a poorly carved saint could not but seem a paltry thing, quite -unworthy of any man with a reputation for a heavy hand to maintain. - -But Mallingham, for all its literary and historical ignorance, has its -heart in the right place; and it is staunch to Church and State--staunch -to the core. Every Fifth of November it has its procession emblematic -of these principles, and it must be confessed that the symbolism of -the movement is not exclusive. To express adequately the loyalty of -Mallingham, it is found necessary to set forth in marching order Turks, -male and female, Negroes, Zulus, Toreadors, Pierrots, Harlequins, -the Archbishop of Canterbury, Pirates, Mary Queen of Scots, Firemen, -Dragoons, William Shakespeare, a Sailor, and many other characters, all -of whom, it must be taken for granted, typify the triumph of Loyalty. -Should any question a-rise--for captious inquirers may always be -reckoned on in these days of high educational achievement--as to the -identity of the leading typical figure in this pageant and the reason -of the obloquy that is heaped upon him, culminating in the stake, with -foul-mouthed explosives, the answer is that he is one Guy Fox, and -that he is paying the penalty of having failed to blow up the Houses -of Parliament. After that explanation no one can doubt that, whoever he -was, he richly deserves his fate--or should it be spelt _fête?_ - -Occasionally co-opted with him is an unpopular person of distinction in -the neighbourhood--a clergyman who lies under the stigma of preaching -toleration, a police superintendent with a constitutional distaste for -bonfires and low-flash explosives in the public streets, or perhaps a -District Visitor suspected of “leanings.” But usually by midnight the -worst is over, and good nature without intoxicants prevails throughout -the motley crowd; the Archbishop of Canterbury lights his cigarette--one -of the packet with the pictures--from that of the Pirate King; Mary -Queen of Scots hurries to the house where she discharges the duties of -parlour-maid, complaining to a sympathetic Shakespeare that she has to -be up at six in the morning to let in the sweep, and so home to bed. - -The only literary fact which is impressed upon all the townspeople is -that by some way never made quite clear, the singeing effigy, whose -obsequies have been so imposing, was responsible for a _Book of -Martyrs._ The general idea is that he was responsible for the martyrs -themselves, and that Foxes _Book of Martyrs_ is a sort of catalogue with -descriptive text of his victims. - -So, as has been stated, the two Cromwells have but a single identity in -the minds of Mallingham. - - - - -V.--THE SOCIAL “SETS” - -Of course there is in Mallingham, as in every other country town, a -first set and a second set--perhaps even a third, but that must be very -close indeed to the unclassed tradesmen set, which is no set at all. And -here it may be mentioned that the tradesmen's families are, as a rule, -very much more refined and almost invariably better educated than -the families of the first or second sets. Some years ago there was an -amateur performance of one of Mr. Sutro's delightful plays given in aid -of some deserving charity. Charity performances cover, as does Charity -itself, a multitude of sins, but the leading lady did not need to make -any appeal for leniency, so ably did she represent the part of the -refined woman who was not quite sure whether she loved her husband or -not. She was the daughter of a professional man, but had never succeeded -in getting into the first set; for it must be remembered that there -is no graduating from one set to another: one is either accepted -or rejected at once. A couple of years later, however, the play was -repeated, only this time it was under the highest patronage, so the -management resolved to get the real thing. They managed to secure the -services of a lady of title for the chief part, and the result was -appalling. The refinement had vanished from the part, so had the correct -pronunciation of the English language, so had the good taste in the -toilettes worn, so had every vestige of intelligence. In place of these -we were shown a pert young person with a voice like that of a barmaid -in a country inn and a taste in dress to correspond. In the matter of -memory for the words of the dialogue also the advantage was certainly on -the side of the humbler representative of the part. In one of Mr. Henry -James' most delightful short stories the catastrophe of “The Real -Thing” is depicted. It was not more pronounced than that of the second -representation of the comedy. - -[Illustration: 0113] - -It is really very difficult to understand what are the qualifications -for the best set in Mallingham; but somehow people usually find -themselves in the set that suits them, and very seldom do the rulers of -the social grades in Mallingham make a mistake. They have now and again -sailed very close to the wind, however; for that was a nasty rub they -got when they hastened to call upon a stranger, with the title of -Baroness, who had taken a house in the new part of the town and kept a -man-servant. As the story was told me, the ladies jammed one another in -the doorway in their anxiety to be the first caller upon the Baroness, -or Madame la Baronne, as the wife of a retired Indian civil servant -called her, having studied the idioms of the _Comédie française_. -Madame la Baronne was indeed a lady of great personal charm, and she was -invited everywhere--even to the villa of the wife of the leading -brewer, which represented a sort of Distinguished Strangers' Gallery in -Mallingham. The competition among the most select for the presence of -Madame at their houses was strenuous; and as she was in such demand -it really should not have been regarded as so surprising that a London -magistrate should send her a peremptory invitation by the hand of two -detectives to come to the court over which he presided. His messengers -would take no denial, he wanted her so badly, so she had perforce to -throw over her local engagements and grant the magistrate the favour -which he requested of her. - -Her portrait was in the _Daily Mirror_ the next day, in connection -with a startling series of headlines, beginning, “The Bogus Baroness -Again--Arrest at Mallingham.” She was one of the most notorious -swindlers that France ever returned to her native shore, after a series -of exploits in Paris. - -The ladies of Mallingham ran up against one another in the porch of her -villa in their haste to get back the cards they had left upon her. - - - - -VI.--THE CASE OF MR. STANWELL - -That was what might be termed “a close call” upon the dignity and -discrimination of the leaders of Society in Mallingham, and this was -possibly why they held back when a man and his wife bearing the name -Stanwell took a house in the town. The lady seemed quite nice and the -man was passable, and before they had “settled down” it was noised -abroad that they had a car: it need scarcely be said that to “have a -car” is in country districts nowadays as sure a sign of respectability -as “driving a gig” was in the 'thirties. There seemed to be no reason -why these people should not be called upon by the leaders of Mallingham -Society; but the leaders were getting more cautious than ever since the -Baroness' scandal, and they hung back, none of them wishing to take a -step which it would be impossible to recall, and every day the question -of to call or not to call was informally discussed. It was just at this -critical moment, when the fate of the Stanwells was trembling in the -balance, so to speak, that one of the leaders was visited by a London -friend, and on the name Stanwell being mentioned, this person asked, -“Is that Herbert Stanwell, the author? It must be. I heard that he was -leaving London and going to live in the country. They are all going. -Soon we shall not have an author left in London; though I remember the -time when they all lived there.” - -“This Mr. Stanwell has a car, I hear,” was the “feeling” suggestion made -by the Mallingham lady. - -“So has Herbert Stanwell--he has been photographed in it dozens of -times. Dear me! To think of Herbert Stanwell coming down here!” was the -exclamation of the visitor; and the moment that she had gone back to -London her hostess rushed round to her partners in the government of -social Mallingham, and breathlessly announced that she had discovered -that Mr. Stanwell was an author and that Mrs. Stanwell was his wife. - -“Good heavens!” was the whispered exclamation from the syndicate. “Who -would have believed it? And we were actually thinking of calling upon -them! And they look quite respectable.” - -“And have a car!” - -“Car, or no car, what I tell you is the truth. Is he not 'H. Stanwell?' -and the authors name is Herbert. There's no doubt about it. And my -friend, who knows everybody in London, said that Herbert Stanwell was -about to live in the country.” - -She assumed the pose of a Princess Hohenstïel Schwangau, saviour of -Society, and she and her friends talked of how providential were certain -incidents, let scoffers say what they might; for if she had not by the -merest accident--ah, a providential accident!--mentioned the name of the -Stanwells, no one would have known anything about them, and they might -have been visited quite in good faith. - -They parted, feeling that Providence was, very properly, mindful of -the best interests of Mallingham; and so it was decreed that the -newcomers--that pair who had made the attempt to get within the citadel -of Mallingham's exclusiveness, not storming it boldly, but by the -insidious device of concealing the fact that at least one of them was -the author of over twenty novels--were not to be called on, although -they had a car. - -Before a month had passed, however, _The Happy Home_, a magazine widely -circulated at Mallingham on account of its admirable paper patterns, -contained an interview with Herbert Wilfred Stanwell, giving an -excellent protrait of the distinguished author sitting (as usual) in -his motor-car, with his favourite Chow, _Ming_, beside him; and the -“letterpress” stated that he was unmarried, and that he had just taken -a charming cottage at Henley (illustrated), on the lawn of which -(illustrated), it might be taken for granted, all that was illustrious -in Literature, Art, and the Drama would be found at week-ends during the -summer, Mr. Stanwell's hospitality being proverbial. - -The next day cards were left upon Mr. H. Stanwell and his wife, and it -was universally admitted that they formed quite a congenial addition to -Mailing-ham Society. He was a pleasant man and she was a charming woman. -They came to Mallingham with a clean bill of health. Neither of them had -done anything in the world, and the only time their names had appeared -in the newspapers was when they had been married. They were nonentities -to their finger-tips, and they soon took a high place among the -nonentities of Mallingham. - -Mr. Stanwell sorrowfully admits that more than once he has been asked in -hotels in France and Italy if he was any relation to Herbert Stanwell, -the great author. It is very annoying, he says, but he hopes to live it -down. If he continues to live at Mallingham, he may be assured that his -hopes run every chance of being realised. - -It is greatly to be feared that the leading “note” of Mallingham is not -literature. It is Thurswell that occasionally lays claim to be a great -reading centre. It was in the most friendly spirit of honest patronage -that a lady addressed a letter to George Eliot, commending some of the -characters in _The Mill on the Floss_, but regretting that the story had -not a happy ending. - -“But it never reached him,” she said. “I had sent it under cover to -the publishers, but they returned it to me, with a scrawl across it, -evidently done by a clerk, saying, '_Present address of_ George Eliot -not known, so, after all my trouble, it never reached him.” - -Having mentioned _The Mill on the Floss_, I feel bound to say that -neither in Thurswell nor Mallingham did the sporting innkeeper live who, -on seeing a cheap edition of the book advertised, at once sent for it -and read the greater part of it before he found out that he had been too -hasty in taking for granted that it was written round a prizefight. A -“mill” meant to him primarily such an incident, and his excursions into -the magic realms of literature had practically been confined to the -spirited accounts given incertain weekly papers of such encounters. A -mill as an industrial building conveyed quite a secondary idea to him. -He admitted to a friend of mine who found the book in the bar parlour, -and wondered how it got he had been “had” over it, and his faith in the -accuracy of literary advertisements got a severe jar. How was he to -tell, he asked, that the chap meant another sort of mill? - -How, indeed? - - - - -CHAPTER SEVEN--THE PEOPLE OF MALLINGHAM - - - - -I.--THE MAYOR - -ONE OF THE PECULIARITIES OF MALLINGHAM is the Mayor, for Mallingham has -a Mayor all to itself, except when, by virtue of his office, he spends a -happy day on various County Benches, joining with the representatives -of local county families in the administration of Petty Sessions -justice--Petty Sessions justice is founded on “good Crowner's Quest -law”--otherwise he is usually a very worthy man, and lays no specious -claim to popularity. He is never ostentatious or self-assertive, and in -spite of the position which he occupies, he is in private life as sound -an exponent of domestic virtue as if he were an ordinary simple citizen. -The eminence to which he has risen never makes him lose his head or -forget that kind hearts are more than coronets, and only very little -inferior to a Mayoral Chain of office. It was the proud but very proper -boast of a Mayor of Mallingham that although he had been proprietor of a -provision business in the very centre of the town for over forty years, -and had worn the chain for two consecutive terms, he was still just as -approachable as any man in the kingdom. - -Just as it was said in the Napoleonic days that every French soldier -carried the _bâton_ of a Field-Marshal in his knapsack, and as it is -said in these days in the States that any citizen may one day become -President--the contingency may account for the gloomy view so many -American citizens take of life--so it is understood that any burgess of -Mallingham may one day become Mayor. There is, however, no competition -for the office, so unambitious are the majority of the burgesses; and -now and again the Council find themselves face to face with the problem -of how to induce any one to accept the chain of office. - -Considering all that its acceptance entails upon the wearer, it can -easily be understood that there should be some reluctance to have -anything to do with it within the ranks of the eligible. If it were an -understood thing that the burgesses of the town must buy their bacon -and butter from the Mayor during his term of office, the problem of -the Mayoralty might become less acute--assuming that a bacon and butter -candidate were available; but no suggestion of this sort has ever been -made so far as I can gather, and thus the difficulty is increasing year -by year with the using up of all the available material for Mayors in -the rough. - -The fact is, that a great deal too much is expected from the Mayor. -There is an inaugural banquet every year at which some two hundred -burgesses, and several of the local gentry, and Members of Parliament, -with a bishop, a rural dean, and an occasional chaplain to the forces, -sit down on the invitation of the incoming Mayor.--He is expected to pay -for everything, and as the feast is founded on the noblest traditions -of civic catering, his bill cannot but be a heavy one. In no way is -the menu inferior in interest to that to be found on the table of the -Mansion House in the City of London. As a matter of fact, I believe that -the turtle soup served at the Mallingham banquet is a trifle richer -than that in the Mansion House, and the champagne is possibly a little -sweeter. But the status of the large proportion of the guests at the -one is widely different from that of the majority at the other. -In Mallingham the tradesmen--gas-fitters, grocers, tobacconists, -hair-cutters, newsagents, and the like--who are probably accustomed to -a midday dinner of a cut from the joint, two vegetables, cheese, and a -glass of ale, and want nothing better, work their way through a long and -elaborate succession of dishes, between the _hors d'ouvres assortis_ and -the home-grown pineapple, drinking glass after glass of Ayala, -_cuvée reservée_. Of course they may appreciate some of the simpler -delicacies--_vol-au-vent_ or the _faysans rotis_--but the most of the -dishes are mysteries to them and, though very expensive, altogether -obnoxious to the uneducated palate. - -To be sure, the banquet is artfully meant: it is supposed to be by way -of so incapacitating the diners that they are forced to listen to the -speeches that follow. Only by the adoption of such stringent measures -would it be possible to get a hearing for those speeches, made in all -solemnity by the gentlemen at the High Table. A loyal Mayor has been -known to spend twenty minutes over the Royal Family, after the King and -Queen had been honoured--he took a quarter of over Their Majesties; but -then the evening was comparatively young, and “The Bishops and Clergy of -the Established Church,” “The Clergy of other Denominations,” “The -Member of Parliament for the Division,” “The Worshipful the Mayor,” “The -Corporation of Mallingham,” “The Official Staff,” “The Town and Trade of -Mallingham”--all these had to be proposed and replied to in due course, -and the general opinion was that in making up the accounts, with the -banquet on the credit side and the speeches on the debit, a large -balance remained against the Mayor. - -And the inaugural banquet is merely the first of the series of -entertainments which are supposed to come from the same source. Two or -three balls, as many garden parties, and at least four large receptions, -with refreshments, are looked for by the townspeople of all grades, for -even the most exclusive of the leaders of the best set do not object to -be entertained at the expense of the Mayor. They consider it their -duty to attend the dances as well as the receptions; but there the -transaction ends so far as they are concerned. They feel that they are -honouring him by accepting his hospitality, and they do not consider -that they are under the obligation to recognise him or his family if -they meet in the public street, nor do they think it necessary to invite -him or any member of his family to their houses. They really believe in -their hearts that they lay the Mayor under an obligation to themselves -by attending his receptions and his dances. - - - - -II.--THE FIRST FAMILIES - -That is the attitude of these good people whose names are quite unknown -outside Mallingham. They are amusing through the entire lack on their -part of a sense of comedy. - -I am inclined to think, however, that the attitude of a son of one of -these First Families, in respect of an incident that came under my -notice, might be more definitely described. He had been invited by a man -who was in a far better social position than himself to have a day with -the partridges in a shooting which he leased; the youth accepted, and on -the morning of the day named appeared in a dog-cart, bringing with him -a friend with another gun. They passed the man who had given the -invitation, and who was walking to the first field and had still a mile -or so to go before reaching it; but though there was a vacant seat in -the dog-cart he was not asked to take it. They drove gaily on, and did -not even wait for him to come up with his dogs to begin operations. One -of them was walking up one side of the field and the other was walking -up the parallel side. The lessee of the shooting, on arriving, found -himself taking rather a back place, the fact being that he had no -acquaintance with his friend's friend, and his friend apparently not -thinking it necessary to introduce him. The shoot went on, however, -and, save for a little grumbling at the working of the dogs, it was -successful enough. On getting round to the dog-cart, after walking -through the last field, the visitors collected the birds that they had -shot and tucked them under the back seat, and mounting to the front -called out a cheery “good-bye” to the man who had entertained them. -They were about to drive off, but the breaking strain of the other's -politeness had been passed. - -“I shouldn't mind a lift from you,” he suggested. - -“Sorry,” explained the one with the reins; “but you see how rough the -lane is, and really the machine is too heavy as it is. Ta-ta.” - -“On minute,” said the pedestrian. “If it's too heavy I'll jolly soon -remedy that,” and he took a step to the dog-cart and pulled out the -birds. “Pity you didn't think of that before. Now it's lighter. Off you -go, and the next time you are offered a day's shooting you just inquire, -from some one who knows, how you should behave. You will in that way be -prevented from appearing a complete bounder.” - -For some time afterwards there was a sort of coldness between that man -and the First Family, whose representative had been prevented by him -from adding three brace of partridges to their menu for the next week. - -For a plentiful lack of good manners the representatives of the “best -set” in Mallingham could scarcely be surpassed in any community. The -youth probably was quite sincere in his belief that he was conferring -a conspicuous favour upon the man who had invited him to an afternoon -among the partridges. How could it be expected that he should think -differently when he had seen his mother and sisters feasting at the -Mayoral ball one night, and cutting the Mayor the next day when they met -him in the street? - -It was not a Mayoress of Mallingham, but of a much more important -municipality--one, in fact, of so great importance as to have a Lord -Mayor and a Lady Mayoress--who had the privilege of entertaining a -certain elderly offshoot of the Royal Family upon the occasion of the -laying of the foundation-stone of a new hospital in the town. This -particular minor Royalty is well known (in certain circles) for her -ample appreciation of the dignity of her exalted position, and, like all -such ladies, she is gracious in proportion to such dust of the earth as -Mayoresses and Presidents of Colleges and Chairmen of Hospital -Boards; and she made herself so pleasant to the Lady Mayoress who -was entertaining her, that the latter determined to keep up the -acquaintance, so she made it a point to pay her a visit in her private -capacity. She drove up the stately avenue to the mansion, and inquired -if Her Royal Highness were at home, just as if Her Royal Highness -had been the wife of the vicar. She was admitted--as far as a certain -room--and after an interval of long waiting there entered, not Her -Royal Highness, but a stranger, a member of the “Household” of the minor -Royalty, and they had a chilly chat together. - -And the friendship so auspiciously begun at the opening of the municipal -hospital made no advance beyond this interview, though it is understood -that the lady of the Household was as polite as if she were Her Royal -Highness herself. - - - - -III.--MISS LATIMER'S MARRIAGE LINES - -There is nothing that the best set in Mallingham so resent as -pretentiousness, or the semblance of pretentiousness, on the part of any -one who does not belong to the best set. A few years ago a Mrs. Latimer, -who lives in a delightful old house close to our village of Thurswell -and is a widow, married one of her two pretty and accomplished daughters -to a young man who was beginning to make a name for himself at the Bar. -He had been at Uppingham and Oxford, and was altogether the sort of -person by whose side the most fastidious young woman would not shrink -from meeting her enemy in the Gate. The wedding was made an event of -more than usual importance, for the girl and her mother were greatly -liked, and on the mother's side were connections of actual county rank. -The list of names in the county newspaper of the wedding guests and -of the numerous presents was an imposing one: among the former was the -widow of a Baronet, a County Court Judge, a Major-General (retired), -and a Master of Hounds; and among the latter, a diamond and sapphire -necklace (the gift of the bridegroom), a cheque (from the bride's -uncle), a silver-mounted dressing-bag (from the bride's sister), and the -usual silver-backed brushes, button-hooks, shoe-lifters, blotters, and -nondescript articles. When the late Dr. Schliemann exhibited the result -of his excavations at the supposed site of Troy, there were to be seen -several articles to which no use could possibly be assigned. No one -seemed to perceive that these must have been wedding presents. - -It was, however, generally allowed that the wedding had been a very -pretty one, that the bride had looked her best, and that the bridegroom -appeared a good fellow; and in addition to the column and a half -devoted to the affair by a generous newspaper, there appeared the usual -announcement: Weston--Latimer.--On the 2nd inst., at Thurswell Church, by -the Rev. Theophilas Watson, B.A.Oxon, Vicar of Thurswell, late Incumbent -of St. Michael and All Angels, Bardswell, and Rural Dean, assisted -by the Rev. Anselm Sigurd Mott, M. A., late Fellow of King's College, -London, and Senior Curate of St. James the Less, Brindlington, -William Henry, eldest son of the late John Weston of King's Elms, -Leicestershire, to Ida Evelyn, elder daughter of the late George -Cruikshank Latimer, of Todderwell, and Susan Prescott Latimer, of Grange -Lodge, Thurswell. - -This was the advertised notice in the _Telegraph_, as well as in the -local paper, on the day after the wedding. - -Three or four days later, however, there appeared, in the -corresponding column of the _Post_, an amended version of the same -announcement--Weston--Latimer.--On the 2nd inst., at Thurswell Parish -Church, William Henry Weston, eldest son of the late John Weston, -Attorney's Clerk, King's Elms, Leicestershire, to Ida, daughter of the -late George C. Latimer, Farmer, Todderwell. - -This piece of feline malevolence was easily traced to a lady with a -highly marriageable daughter who had been posing for several years as -one of the guardians of “exclusiveness” of Mallingham. An adroit lady -had only to pay her a visit, ostensibly to call her attention to the -delightful announcement--“the cleverest thing that had ever been done,” - she called it--to invite a return of confidence, and, with sparkling -eyes, the perpetrator accepted the credit of thinking out the scheme for -the humiliation of her neighbour for her arrogance in making so much of -the wedding. - -And the most melancholy part of the contemptible affair was that the -greater number of the best set actually talked over it as a properly -administered blow to the Latimers, and chuckled over it for many days. - -But the very next year Mrs. Latimer's other daughter got married to the -heir to a baronetcy; the wedding took place in St. George's, Hanover -Square, and the _Post_ gave an account of it to the extent of half a -column, and the _Mirror_ gave photographs of the bride and bridegroom. - -It would scarcely be believed, except by some one acquainted with the -best society at Mallingham, that upon this occasion the lady who had -displayed her skill in snubbing the Latimers sent a two-guinea present -to the bride. It was understood that the list of presents would appear -in the _Post;_ but when this list appeared the name of the donor of this -special gift was absent from it: the two-guinea gift had been promptly -returned by the mother of the bride. - -And here is another touch: the valuable cake basket was returned with a -heavy dinge in one place, which the jeweller affirms was not there -when he packed it in tissue paper and shavings in its box with the -card bearing the inscription: “To dear Constance, with best wishes -from--------” That is why he refused to take it back. - -It was the son of this lady whose generosity was so spurned who, on -leaving the rather second-class public school at which he received a -sort of education, gravely said to another boy from Mallingham who had -also just been finished-- - -“I suppose I'll often see you at Mallingham, old chap, as we are both -living there, and I'm sure that I should be very glad to have a -chat with you now and then; but, of course, you won't expect me to -acknowledge you if I am walking with my mother or sister.” - -“Why not?” asked the other boy. - -“Oh, my dear fellow, can't you see that it would never do?” said the -first. “You know that your people are not in our set. You can't expect -that because we happen to have been three years in the same house, -we are in the same social position at home. But, as you know, there's -nothing of the snob about me, and any time that we meet in one of the -side streets, and even at the unfashionable end of High Street, I'll -certainly nod to you. But that's the farthest that I can be expected to -go.” - -The other boy certainly expected him to go very much farther even than -the unfashionable end of the High Street, and ventured to delimitate the -boundaries of the place, and to say a word or two respecting its climate -and the fitness of his companions and all his family for a permanent -residence there. Being a biggish lad, and enjoying a reputation for -being opposed to peace at any price, he could express his inmost -feelings without being deterred by any inconvenient reprisals. - -The other did not even respond to his exuberance upon this occasion. He -sulked in the corner of the railway carriage where the conversation took -place, and he has been sulking ever since. - - - - -IV.--THE ENTERPRISE OF MALLINGHAM - -It was a gentleman who travelled in the latest styles in soft goods who -was heard to affirm that Mallingham was not a town: it was a dormitory. - -He doubtless spoke from the horizon line of soft goods, having in his -eye certain of those firms who still do business in the concave side of -ancient bay windows, and have not yet been lured on to fortnightly cheap -sales behind a sheet of plate-glass. A commercial traveller takes some -time to recover his selfrespect after importuning a possible client in -the con-cavity of an eighteenth-century window of what was once a dainty -parlour, but is now a dingy shop. - -[Illustration: 0139] - -But, as a matter of fact, there is a deep and pellucid well of -enterprise in the centre of commercial circles in Mallingham, and it -only wants an occasional stir to irrigate the dead levels of the town. -For instance, there is published by a stationer in the High Street -the _Mallingham Almanac_, an annual work which gives a large amount -of interesting information valuable to many persons in an agricultural -district, such as the list of fair days in all the villages in the -county, the hours of the rising and setting of the sun (of undoubted -interest to farmers), the changes of the moon (also very important to -have noted down to the very second), the equation of time from day to -day (without which we could hardly get on at all), the time of high -water at London Bridge, and the variation of the compass (indispensable -to agriculturists). A graver note is, however, sounded in the pages -devoted to prophecy, after the style of the ever veracious Francis -Moore, where readers, born when Mercury was in the Fourth House, are -warned against eating uncooked horse-chestnuts on a Friday, and the -general public are told that as, in a certain month, Mars and Neptune -are in opposition--perhaps it should be apposition--news will be -published regarding the German Emperor. - -Then there are pages given over wholly to poetry, like Ephraim and his -idols. - -The spirit of enterprise which flutters--I am afraid that I referred to -it in an earlier paragraph in a way that suggested water which really -does not flutter,--as a moth round a flame, round a good advertising -medium in Mallingham, is shown by the pages of business cards scattered -throughout the sheets of this almanac. - -In his Address to his Subscribers which prefaces the last issue, the -publisher, who is also the editor, recognises in a handsome way -the support which he has received from his numerous advertisers -and expresses the earnest hope that they may all, individually and -collectively, find that their business will rapidly increase as a reward -for their enterprise. - -On the opposite page may be read the business cards of three -undertakers. - -Mallingham is certainly not a dormitory so far as the possibilities of -trade are concerned. It may safely be said that every business house -will undertake undertaking in all its branches and the removal of -furniture. No matter how small may be the apparent connection between -the business professed on the shop sign and the undertaking industry or -the removal industry, you will find on inquiry the utmost willingness -expressed to meet your wishes in either direction. - -The qualification of a dealer in antiques to carry out such a contract -is not immediately apparent, but it is certainly more apparent than that -of an auctioneer; at least, if you need to be buried, it is not to an -auctioneer you will go in the first instance. To be sure, if you read -_Othello_ carefully you will find that there is quite an intimate -connection between “removals” and undertaking; but, as a rule, for -business purposes each of the two trades is regarded as distinct from -the other. - -But in Mallingham you not only find them amalgamated, but both are run -(decorously) in association with hardware, upholstery, blind-making, -carpetbeating, life and fire assurance (not at all so extraordinary this -last named), crockery, and soft goods. It is rumoured that the largest -business in the “lines” referred to is in the hands of a rag and bone -merchant and a dyer. - -It is pleasant to be able to record that no one has yet been known to -accept the suggestion of the pun in regard to the aptitude of the dyer -in such a connection, and it is certain that Shakespeare himself would -not have been able to resist the temptation. But Shakespeare has said -many things that no one in Mallingham would care to invent or even to -repeat. - -One of the most notable instances of the professional enterprise of -Mallingham was told to me by its victim. He was a clergyman, and the -curate of one of the parishes. Now there are curates who are as fully -qualified to discharge the duties of their calling as is a Rector, -or even a Rural Dean: some of those whom we find in the country have -“walked the hospitals,” so to speak, having been for years labouring in -the slums of a large town; but some are what might be termed only “first -aid” men, and it was a “first aid” curate who, on taking up his duties -in Mallingham, set about a zealous house-to-house visitation, being -determined to become personally acquainted with every member of his -flock. - -He had already made some headway in the course he had mapped out for -himself, and was becoming greatly liked for his sociability before he -had reached the letter R in his visiting list, at the head of which -was the name of Mr. Walter Ritchie, the dentist, a gentleman who, in -addition to enjoying an excellent practice as a destructive rather than -a constructive artist, was a good Churchman. It was between the hours of -twelve and one that the zealous curate found it convenient to call upon -him, and he was promptly shown into the waiting-room, where there was an -elderly lady with a slightly swollen face studying the pages of a very -soiled _Graphic_ of three weeks old. Of her company he was, however, -bereft within the space of a few minutes, and the _Graphic_ was -available for his entertainment for the next quarter of an hour. Then -the maid returned and said that Mr. Ritchie would see him now, and he -followed her across the passage and was shown into the usual operating -room of the second-class practitioner of the country town. - -Mr. Ritchie greeted him warmly and so volubly as saved the clergyman -the need for introducing any of the professional inanities which are -supposed to smooth the way to an honourable _rapprochement_ be-ween a -pastor and an unknown member of his pastorate. The parson had not really -a word to say when Mr. Ritchie got upon the topic of teeth, and warned -his visitor that he must be very careful in his use of the Mallingham -water until he should get accustomed to it. It had an injurious effect -upon the natural enamel of the teeth of the lower jaw, he said. - -“I will explain to you what I mean, if you will kindly sit here,” he -added, pointing to the iron-framed chair, the shape of which expresses -the most excruciating comfort to a dentist's clientele. The curate, -wishing to be all things to all men, though he had no intention of being -a dentist's “example,” smiled and seated himself. In an instant Mr. -Ritchie had him in his power; bending over him, he gently scraped away -some of the “enamel” from one of his front teeth and, exhibiting a speck -on the end of the steel scraper, explained the chemical changes which -an unguarded use of the chalky water of the town supply would have upon -that substance, though it made no difference to the secretions of the -glands of the upper jaw. - -This was very interesting and civil, if somewhat “shoppy,” of Mr. -Ritchie, the clergyman thought, and once more opened his mouth to allow -of the dentist's obtaining a sample of the alkaline deposit to which he -had alluded. But the moment his jaws were apart Mr. Ritchie made a sound -as of a sudden indrawing of his breath. - -“Ha, what have we here?” he cried. “Nasty, nasty! but not too far -gone--no, I sincerely hope, not too far gone. One moment.” He had -inserted a little shield-shaped mirror in the curate's mouth and was -pressing it gently against an upper tooth. “Ah yes, as I thought--a -little stuffing will save it. Nerve exposed. You are quite right to come -to me at once. A stitch in time, you know. It will hardly require any -drilling--only at the rough edges.” - -The clergyman was not the man to protest against Mr. Ritchie's -civilities. He admitted that the tooth had given him some trouble the -previous year, but he had not thought it worth consulting a dentist -about. - -“That's the mistake that people make,” said Mr. Ritchie mournfully. -“They usually associate a visit to their dentist with some -atrocity--some moments of agony--that was the result of the old -tradition, dating back to John Leech's days. Of course, in those dark -ages dentists did not exist, whereas now---- I think I would do well to -do a little crown work between the tooth I am stopping and the next: the -gap between the two is certain to work mischief before many months are -over, and the back of the nearest molar has become so worn through the -pressure of that overgrown one below it that, if not checked in time, it -will break off with you some fine day. I'm glad that you came to me -to-day. I will make a new man of you.” - -He had the little ingenious emery drill working away before the -clergyman remembered that he had not come to pay a professional visit -to the dentist--that is to say, he had meant that his visit should be -a professional one so far as his own profession went, but not that it -should be a professional one so far as the profession of the other man -went. But it seemed to him that the dentist was fast approaching the -moment when he, the dentist, would not be amenable to the _convenances_ -of the parochial visit, but would become completely absorbed in the -_nuances_ of dental science which every revolution of the emery drill -seemed to be revealing. He could say nothing. He was in an unaccustomed -posture for speech. He was lying in the steely embrace of that highly -nickelised chair, with his face looking up to the ceiling--exactly the -reverse of the attitude in which he felt so fluent every Sunday evening. -With his head bending over the top of his pulpit, he felt that he was -equal to explaining everything in heaven above or the earth beneath; but -sprawling back, with his eyes on the ceiling, and a thing whizzing like -a cockchafer in his mouth, he was incapable of protest, even when he -had recovered himself sufficiently to feel that a protest might be -judicious, if not actually effective. - -He submitted. - -For the next four weeks he was, off and on, in the hands of Mr. Ritchie. -It seemed as he went on that he had not a really sound tooth in his -head, though he told me, almost tearfully, that previously he had always -prided himself on his excellent teeth. - -“I think Mr. Ritchie went too far in the end,” he added, recapitulating -the main incidents of his indictment of the dentist. “I dare say a -couple of my molars were showing signs of wear and tear, and so were all -the better for being filled in properly; and it is quite likely that -the gulf between the other two was the better for being bridged -over--possibly a flake or two needed to be ground away from one of the -grinders at the back--but I am sure that the time occupied in correcting -some of the other irregularities which he perceived, but which had never -caused me a moment's inconvenience, might have been better spent. I -often thought so; but I said nothing until he calmly advised me to have -six of my upper jaw painlessly extracted, apparently for no other reason -than to show me how the new system of injecting cocaine, or something, -worked, and that he could do what he called 'crown work' with the best -dentists at Brindlington--then I thought it time to speak out, and I did -speak out.” - -“And what did you say to him?” I inquired, for I longed to be put in -touch with the phraseology of a “first aid” parson when speaking out. - -“I didn't spare him: I told him just what I thought of him.” - -“And what did that amount to? Nothing grossly offensive, I hope.” - -“I wasn't careful of my words; I did not weigh them. If they sounded -offensive to him I cannot help it.” - -“What did you say to him, as nearly as you can recollect? I'm rather a -connoisseur of language and I may be able to relieve your mind, if you -have any uneasiness on the subject of the man's feelings when you had -done with him. What did you say to him?” - -“I told him plainly that I thought he had gone too far; and now, looking -at the whole transaction from a purely impersonal standpoint, I am not -disposed to withdraw a single word of what I said. He did go too far--I -honestly believe it. You will understand that it is not easy for one to -take up an attitude of complete detachment in considering a matter such -as this in all its bearings; but I think that I have disciplined myself -sufficiently to be able to consider it in an unprejudiced spirit, and -really I do believe that he went too far.” - -“If he did, you certainly did not,” said I. “Has he sent you in his -bill?” - -“It is not his bill that matters--it only comes to £5, 11s. 6d. What -I objected to was his implication that I had not a sound tooth in my -head--I that have been accustomed during the past five years to crack -nuts--not mere filberts, mind, but the sort that come from Brazil--at -all the school feasts without the need for crackers! Just think of it! -Oh yes, he certainly went too far.” - -I agreed with him; I had no idea that there was so much enterprise in -all Mallingham. - -The general idea that prevails in regard to Mallingham is that it has -remained stagnant--except for its aspirations after plate-glass--during -the past four or five hundred years of its existence. A dog of some sort -lies asleep at midday under almost every shop window, and cats of all -sorts may be seen crossing the High Street at almost any hour. That is -how it comes that the town seems so charming to visitors, and to those -of its inhabitants who are not engaged in business. - -This being so, I was disposed to laugh at the sly humour of a man and -his wife--they were Russian nobles who motored across from Brindlington -to lunch with us at Thurswell--who said they had enjoyed the drive -exceedingly, until they had come to Mallingham. “A horrid, rowdy place, -like the East End of London on Saturday night,” were the exact words -those visitors employed, and I had actually begun to laugh at their -ironical humour when I saw that they were meant to be in earnest. For -some time I was in a state of perplexity; but then the truth suddenly -flashed upon me: it was the day of the Mallingham Races--one of the -three days of the year when the dogs are not allowed to sleep in the -streets and when the cats remain indoors, when the High Street is for -a full hour after the arrival of the train crowded with all that it -disgorges, and when there is a stream of vehicles carrying to the -picturesque racecourse on the Downs the usual supporters of the turf, -with redfaced bookmakers and their “pitches,” as objectionable a crew as -may be encountered in the streets of any country town at any season. - -It was clear that my friends had reached the High Street of Mallingham -a few minutes after the arrival of the train, and not being aware of the -exceptional circumstances which had galvanised the place into life for -a brief twenty minutes, they had assumed that this was the normal aspect -of the town! I did my best to remove from Mallingham the reproach of -being the great centre of bustling life that it had seemed to these -strangers; but I could see that I did not altogether succeed in -convincing them that, except for four days out of the year, nothing -happens in Mallingham--three days of races and one night of loyal -revelry--for even the holding of the Assizes three times a year does not -cause the town to awake from its immemorial repose. The trumpets sound -as the judge drives up to the County Hall with a mounted escort, and the -shopkeepers come to their doors and glance down the street; the sleeping -dogs jump up and begin to bark in a half-hearted way, but settle -themselves comfortably down again before the last note of the fanfare -has passed away, and, except for an occasional glimpse of a man in a wig -crossing the street to the hotel, the Assize week passes much the same -as any other week of the uneventful year. Three hundred years have -passed since anything happened in Mallingham, and then it was nothing -worth talking about. One must go back seven hundred years to find the -town the centre of an historical incident of importance. - -But the rumour is that Messrs. Williamson & Rubble, drapers and -outfitters, are about to have a new plate-glass front made for both -their shops, with convex corners and roll-up shutters; so Mallingham -marches onward from century to century--slowly. - - - - -CHAPTER EIGHT--THE PUSHING PROVINCIAL TOWN - - - - -I.--THE MODERN METHODS - -THE MILD AND BASHFUL ENTERPRISE of Mallingham is made to look -ridiculous when contrasted with the unblushing business energy of -Burford, that bustling town of twenty thousand inhabitants at the -farther end of Nethershire. Burford lends itself as an awful example of -what can be accomplished by that dynamic element known as “push.” It was -born picturesque, but has since become prosperous. Its Corporation has -long ago done away with all those features of interest to antiquarians -which are ineradicable in Mallington, however earnestly the ambitious -Council of the latter may labour for their annihilation; so although -strangers knowing something of the early history of Burford, come to it -expecting to find it the “dear old quaint place” of the girl with the -camera, they bicycle away before accepting the hospitality offered by -the bill of fare displayed in the broad windows of the double-fronted -modern restaurant lately set up by Messrs. Caterham & Co., of London, -where the old conduit house, mentioned in the guide-books, stood for -centuries, in the High Street. The Corporation are, it is rumoured, -meditating the advisability of altering the name of the High Street into -the King's Parade. The sooner they make a move in this direction the -better it will be for all concerned; for undoubtedly, as the Mayor -recently pointed out, the town has passed out of the category of towns -with a High Street, and may claim to be admitted into the select circle -of those with their Royal Avenues and Princes' Promenades. - -So why not make a bold step forward with King's Parade? - -Why not indeed? - -The invasion of Burford by Messrs. Caterham, with their score of little -marble tables and a choice of four dishes for luncheon, was equivalent -to putting the seal of modernity upon the old High Street; but its claim -to compete in its extent of plate-glass frontage with the most advanced -centres of business enterprise, was long ago proved by the establishment -of Messrs. Shenstone's fine “drapery emporium” (vide advertisements) -on the site of the old Castlegate Inn. It is said that even in the -difficult matter of supplying sables to suit all classes of customers -this house can hold its own with any in the trade. - -A customer enters with an inquiry for a set of sables. - -“Forward furs,” the shopwalker commands--he actually is a full corporal -in the Territorials--and the lady finds herself confronted at the -counter by a young man with a Bond Street frock-coat and a Regent Street -smile, who says-- - -“Sables, madam? Certainly.” - -He leaves her for a few moments and returns with an armful of furs, -which he displays, laying each piece over his arm and smoothing it down -as if it were--well, a sort of cat. - -“Price, madam?” He refers to a ticket. “Two hundred guineas, madam--all -Russian. Something not quite so expensive? Certainly, madam.” Once again -he goes away and returns with another armful. “These are quite superior -furs, madam. Real sable? Certainly, madam, real Musquash sable. -Sixty-five pounds. Something cheaper, madam? Certainly. I have a very -nice line of inexpensive sables that I think you will like.” He beckons -to a young lady farther up the counter, and she brings him a bundle of -tawny skins, which he displays as before. “A very nice line, madam--very -chaste and showy. Real sable? Oh, certainly--real electric sable, every -piece. Price, madam? Nine guineas, including muff. Something cheaper -still? Certainly, madam.” He climbs up a small and handy ladder and -lifts down a large pasteboard box full of furs. “These, madam--very -tasteful--large amount of wear--sell a great number of these. Real -sable? Certainly, madam, real rabbit sable, thirty-nine and eleven. -Something rather less? Certainly, madam.” He pulls down another box, -takes off the lid, and exposes skins. “Nice lot these, madam, very -highly thought of--largely worn in London this season. Real sable, -madam? Certainly, madam--real ox-tail sable, ten and six the set. Shall -we send them? Thank you. What name, please? Johnston--with the t? Thank -you. And the next article, madam? Oh yes, this afternoon for certain.” - -That is the sort of business house you find in the High Street, Burford, -in these days; so that there can hardly be a doubt that it is time the -thoroughfare changed its name to King's Parade. If people want genuine -ox-tail sables they will go to a King's Parade for it much more readily -than they would to a High Street. But there is a deeper depth in sables -that a customer can only reach in a Royal Avenue; this is the genuine -charwoman's sable at three and eleven, muff included. Messrs. Shenstone -& Co. are, however, select and conscientious; they will not sell you as -the real article anything that will not bear the closest scrutiny, and -their ox-tail sable marks the limit to which they will go. It may -be foolish in these go-ahead days to have any scruples, but Messrs. -Shenstone are ready to submit to any reproach rather than to give a -customer, however humble, a misleading description of any article. - - - - -II.--LIBRARIANS WHILE YOU WAIT - -As a matter of course, Burford has a Public Library of its own. -The Corporation had a chance of acquiring a library that had been in -existence for some years: it had been built as a memorial to her -husband by a wealthy lady in the neighbourhood, and it contained several -thousand volumes of the “improving” sort which were so much in favour -with fathers and mothers and uncles and aunts--in fact, with all manner -of people except readers--fifty or sixty years ago. For purposes of -a public library such a collection is absurd, and should have been -consigned to one of the Corporation's rubbish carts without delay, -together with its Encyclopaedias dated 1812. The books were, however, -allowed to encumber the shelves, and there they remain unto this day, -to assist in the culture of much that would interest an earnest -bacteriologist. To the majority of the members of the Corporation, -however, “a book's a book although there's nothing in it,” and their -“library” is packed with books and bacteria, both happily undisturbed -for years. - -Some time ago a charwoman with a husband was required to sweep the -floors and put the daily papers in their proper frames, and so the -Corporation advertised for a “librarian” and his wife, mentioning the -“salary” at fifty pounds a year. But they did not add, as they might -have done, “no knowledge of books required,” and the consequence was -that at the annual meeting of the Library Association the distinguished -President referred to the advertisement with disparaging comments in -respect of the “salary” offered to the “librarian.” It was not likely -that such a reflection upon the liberality of the Corporation of Burford -would be allowed to go to the world with impunity, so a member who -considered himself responsible for the advertisement and the fixing -of the renumeration wrote to the papers, pointing out that caretaker's -rooms were granted to the “librarian” in addition to his “salary,” so -that the Corporation were really munificent in their offer; but whether -they were so or not, they could get plenty of people to discharge the -duties of “librarian” on the conditions set down. - -He was quite right. The applicants for the coveted post were numerous. -They represented all the out-of-work men in the neighbourhood. Porters, -jobbing gardeners, discharged soldiers with the rank of private, and the -usual casuals applied, and the most eligible of these seemed to be an -ex-soldier: “We should do all we can for old army men,” said one of -the Committee very properly, and so the old soldier stood at attention, -saluted, and became a “librarian.” The ability of the Corporation of -Burford must be admired: they can make any man a librarian in five -minutes; though the general opinion that prevails on the subject is that -long years of careful training are needed to qualify even a man of good -education for the post of librarian! - -That is where the management of a matter that makes no appeal to the -illiterate becomes a farce in the hands of such a body. What they wanted -was a charwoman with a husband, not a librarian with a wife; but with -traditional pomposity they must needs advertise for a “librarian” with a -“salary.” So far as I can gather, the caretaker can sweep out a library -with any man; but if you ask for any particular book--well, he does his -best. But a man may be an adept with brooms and yet a tyro with books. -He is another of the things that are not what they seem at Burford. - -[Illustration: 0157] - - - - -III.--ARCHÆOLOGICAL ENTERPRISE - -There is quite a good Museum at Burford. It was formed, I believe, in -the pre-Corporation days, and so it is under intelligent control. -Local antiquities are represented with some attempt at completeness and -classification, and its educational value would be very great if the -people of the neighbourhood could be induced to give to it some of -the time that they devote to football. A few years ago, however, -an irresistible appeal was made to the culture of the town by the -acquisition for the collections of a human hand from the Solomon -Islands. As soon as it was understood that this treasure had just been -added to those in the Museum there was a rush to see it, and thousands -of persons paid their sixpences for a glance at it, and in the course of -a day or two after its arrival it had become the topic of the place. -If you had not seen it you were regarded as a complete outsider. It was -considered a great hardship that visitors were not allowed to touch -this exhibit; for, after all, a look at such an object is -unsatisfactory--quite different from a hearty handshake. To shake such -a hand would be satisfying, it was generally thought, and I have much -pleasure in associating myself with such an expression of opinion. A -little of it would satisfy any but the most grasping nature. - -It was in this Museum that there reposed for years in one of its glass -cases an interesting exhibit labelled “Fragment of ancient pottery, -probably Saxon, effects of lead glazing still visible.” - -It was thought to be part of a pitcher, and some ingenious and -imaginative antiquary had made an excellent drawing of the original -vessel, showing the bulge in the body from which the piece had -been broken. Many papers had been written about the fragment, some -authorities contending that it was not of Saxon but Roman origin, and -others that, as it had been found on a part of the coast which had -at one time been covered by the sea, it was almost certain to be of -Scandinavian origin: it had been on board one of the Norse pirate -galleys that had harried the whole of the South Coast, and marks were -pointed out along the edge which were said to be the traces of a rude -decoration of Scandinavian design. - -For years the controversy was carried on with a large display of -learning on all sides, until one day a geologist of distinction visited -the Museum, and announced that the specimen of pottery was a section -of a human skull. A little examination and a comparison of the specimen -with an ordinary human skull showed beyond the possibility of doubt that -this view was the correct one, and the label was changed without delay. -But when it became known that the Museum was in possession of part of a -human skull, it was visited by hundreds of people all anxious to get -a glimpse of so interesting an object, and if possible--but this was -rather too much to hope for--to hold it in their hands; and for weeks -the contents of other cases lay unnoticed. The broken skull was the real -attraction. - -It was an amazingly thick skull: if it had not been so thick it would -probably not have led its original owner to forfeit it, but would have -suggested to him a way of escape from those unfriendly persons who had -deprived him of its use. But the owner would certainly have made a -good show at an old election fight, or have reached a green old age in -Tipperary. - -I once saw on a shelf in the Museum a piece of old ironwork in the form -of a rushlight holder. So it was labelled, and the date 1609 assigned -to it. It was stated on the label that it was probably the work of a -well-known ironworker of the neighbourhood in which it had been found. -I ventured, however, to differ from this last suggestion, the fact being -that this particular example of seventeenth-century ironwork was not -made during that century or by that craftsman, but by a more crafty -person during the latter years of the reign of Edward the Seventh. -My reason for coming to this conclusion was not the result of the -possession on my part of any special acquaintance with wrought-iron or -the methods of the old workers, but simply because I had been present -when the thing was in course of being forged--in both senses _forged._ -The craftsman had been called away from his job suddenly, and when I -entered his unostentatious forge there the thing was lying as he had -left it, in an unfinished condition. Some days later I saw it among a -heap of scrap iron of various sorts in his yard, and it rather took my -fancy. I pulled it forth and asked the man if he had any idea what -it was. He replied that, so far as he could remember, an antiquarian -gentleman had told him that it was for holding a rushlight. I looked at -it closely and said that I did not think it was old, and he replied that -he didn't believe it to be very old either; but it wasn't a handsome -thing anyway. - -I threw it down and began to talk about other matters, and the next I -saw of it was in the Museum above its neatly lettered label. - -I told the craftsman where I had seen it, and he smiled. - -“It seems that there are people who know more about these ancient old -things than us, sir,” he said. “A man that has a great fancy for his -own opinion came round here shortly after you were here, and I could see -that he had his eye on that thing, though it was lying among the scraps; -and when he had talked long enough to put me off thinking that it had -caught his eye, he picked it up and asked me what I would take for it. -I told him half a sovereign, and he beat me down to three half-crowns. -Then he sold it to Anson in the Corn-market for a pound, and Anson took -it to the Museum and got thirty-five shillings for it. That's the whole -story. The others got a good bit more out of it than me.” - -“That was a shame,” said I; “considering that you made it, you should -have had the largest share of the profit.” - -He smiled and said-- - -“I don't complain. What would be the use?” - -In the same neighbourhood there is another excellent workman. He has -always in the backyard of his house quite a number of antique Sussex -firebacks maturing. He lays down firebacks as wise people lay down wine -to mature. They look absurdly clean and fresh when they come from the -place where he casts them, but time and the oxide of iron soon remedy -all those defects, and when they have been lying rusting for a month -or two the aspect of the design is changed. A rough scrubbing--not too -much, but just enough--and an exposure in a brisk fire to produce the -marks of long years of duty in the sturdy old yeoman's grate, with the -crane swinging over it, and another specimen of the Sussex fireback -is ready for the market. The market is always ready. It will take the -sturdy old yeoman's crane, with its hooks and its levers, as well as -his fireback, and so the industry of the craftsman and the craft of the -dealer man are stimulated. - -There is still a brisk trade done in the manufacture of ancient flint -weapons--hatchets, spear barbs, arrow-heads, and the like--in our -county, though I have heard that there has been a melancholy falling off -in the volume of business done in this particular line during the past -twenty years. It is never well to be too certain about the treasures one -acquires nowadays, either in iron or flaky flint, but I have heard that -long ago a collector had quite as great reason to be cautious. A large -number of interesting flint weapons were with reasonable luck to be -dredged out of the sand and mud of some rivers. It was only reasonable -to suppose that these things had some thousands of years ago been in -active use in battles fought at the ford, and that they had remained -undisturbed for centuries in the bed of the river. I heard of an eminent -archaeologist having acquired quite a number of these implements bearing -unmistakable signs of antiquity. They had been dredged out of the Thames -from time to time, he heard. Unfortunately he mentioned this fact to a -dealer who had also heard of these dredgings, and offered to lend him -the collection for examination. The first experiment upon them was the -last. They had only to be boiled in a strong solution of soda to have -their true character--their false character--revealed. When taken out of -the kettle the things were as fresh as if made the day before. They had -not been made the day before, but they had certainly been made within -the year. They were nothing more than flaky fakes. - -After all, it is safer for a tradesman to use his own imagination in the -preparation of his wares than to ask his customers to use theirs. For -instance a dealer in curious things, in Burford, seeing some funny -wooden dolls in a shop window, bought the whole five and then used up -some scraps of old brocade and remnants of Genoa velvet in dressing them -in costumes to be found in the recognised authority. He exposed them for -sale sitting in a row, and very amazing they must have appeared. - -“Quaint things, are they not? Mediaeval puppets. I don't know that -I ever saw the like before. Of course you see what they are meant to -represent? Why, the Five Senses, to be sure. Fifteen guineas for the -five. If I don't sell them at once I'll send them to the Victoria and -Albert Museum. They'll jump at them.” - -“I shouldn't mind buying one of them,” said the customer; “but I could -not do with the whole five.” - -“Sorry, sir; but you could scarcely ask me to break the set--I don't -believe there is another set in existence,” said the dealer. - -“I think you might let me have one. I have bought a lot of things from -you from time to time.” - -“I should like to, sir--yes, I should indeed like you to have one, -but--you see the whole beauty of the set is that it is a set--the Five -Senses.” - -Some further conversation ensued, and at last the dealer showed himself -to be less inflexible than he had been at first, and the customer -secured one of the mediaeval curiosities for four pounds. - -A few days later another customer called and duly inspected the four -remaining dolls. - -“Very curious, sir--very unique, I think. Of course you see the idea, -sir--the Four Seasons. Fifteenth-century Venetian, I should say. You -can see the bit of brocade--old Venetian beyond a question. I wish I -had half a dozen yards of it. Twenty guineas I'm asking for the set. I'm -afraid I couldn't break the set. It's hardly fair to ask me, sir.” - -But eventually he yielded to the importunity of the customer and got -five guineas for a second of his creations. - -“Singular things, sir--Early Italian Church puppets beyond doubt. They -used to dress them fantastically and stand them on the altar, I believe. -You observe the symbolic character of the set, sir--the Trinity. Votive -offerings and that, you know. Even in the present day you see such -things at wayside shrines in Catholic countries. I'm afraid it would -spoil the set to sell one out of the three, sir. You had better take the -three now that you have the chance. Very unique, I call them, and only -eighteen pounds for the three.” - -But the man had no use for the three, and after some haggling he got the -one he wanted for £5, 10s. - -“And then there were two,” as the story of the ten little nigger boys -has it. - -“Church pieces, madam. Fourteenth-century Spanish--the embroidery is -Spanish, I am sure. I wish I had a yard of it. Adam and Eve they are -meant to represent,” etc. etc. - -It seemed as if no one could do with more than one of these “very -unique” treasures; so he was forced to let the lady separate our first -parents, paying five pounds for making the divorce decree absolute. - -Before the end of the week he had sold a unique example of a Flemish -doll--“One may see the like in some of Teniers' pictures. They treasure -them up from generation to generation in the houses of the old nobility. -It is very rarely that one gets into the market. You see they regard it -as a matter of family honour never to sell one of them.” - -He sold it for six pounds, and took his wife to a theatre where, -curiously enough, the diverting play of _La Poupée_ was being performed. -It is a diverting play, but not, I think, “absolutely unique.” - -It will be gathered from these instances of local business enterprise -how amply the modern spirit of making the most of one's opportunities of -“getting on” is represented among the commercial population of Burford. -Its manufacturers may be divided into two classes: the makers and the -fakers, and it is generally understood that the latter make the most -money. - - - - -CHAPTER NINE--RED-TILED SOCIETY - - - - -I.--THE ILLUSTRIOUS STRANGER - -ALL THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM at Burford, as I have ventured -to suggest. But the majority of the inhabitants think that they are. -Probably at one time they were; but with the development of the spirit -of modern enterprise in the town a new complexion has been put upon -various features associated with the daily life of the place, so that -one needs to go beneath the surface of things in general in order to -find out what they really are. - -It was literally the new complexion put upon a very ordinary commercial -undertaking that caused some of the most self-respecting of the -inhabitants to forget themselves upon one occasion a year or two ago. -To be sure, they had done nothing that should have caused even the most -susceptible a qualm; but they thought they had, and this impression was -strengthened by the attitude of a good many of their friends, so that -the result was just as unpleasant to them as if they had been guilty of -some gross piece of foolishness. - -The circumstances of this new complexion must be dealt with in detail in -order to be fully appreciated by people outside Burford. - -When an announcement appeared in the local newspapers that the town -would shortly be visited by a distinguished Hindu, the Cachar of -Darjeeling, a considerable amount of excitement was caused in the best -circles of Burford Society--the best circles, it is scarcely necessary -to say, are those that have their centre somewhere in the new quarter, -the bright red-brick villa quarter of the town--and every one was -inquiring what Mrs. Paston would do in the matter. Mrs. Paston had -obtained in many quarters an ample recognition of her authority as -_arbiter elegantarium_, and her lead in social matters was regarded as -inevitable even by those who could not conscientiously accept her dicta -as the last word on every point. - -What will Mrs. Paston do when the Cachar of Darjeeling comes to Burford? -That was the question which people asked of one another over cups of tea -with occasional muffins; and the result of many conferences under these -or similar conditions was a resolution that a deputation of ladies -appointed themselves to wait on her, one at a time, to learn what she -really meant to do. - -But it seemed that Mrs. Paston had not quite made up her mind on the -matter. The Cachar of Darjeeling is, of course, a prince--quite as much -a prince as the others one hears about--begums, sowdars, rajahs, jams, -ranees, gaekwars, khansamahs--all referred to by Mr. Kipling; and, of -course, being a prince, he was, _ex officio_, eligible to be received -even by the best people in Burford. To be sure, she had heard it said -that--that--but for that matter there was as much wickedness at home, if -people only took the trouble to look for it; and there was no need -for people with daughters to put them forward in the presence of -distinguished strangers, whether Indian princes or Austrian counts. - -That was how Mrs. Paston took the various deputations of one into her -confidence when they endeavoured to find out what she meant to do in -regard to the coming visit of the distinguished Oriental, and they -interpreted her mystic phrases as meaning that she meant to keep the -Prince to herself. Within a few days the Cachar had come to be alluded -to as “the Prince.” In the English provinces practically every man of -colour is accepted as a prince--it is a courtesy title, pretty much the -same as the title of Madame which goes with a bonnet shop in the West -End. Even the dusky person who accompanies the clergyman to the platform -when a lecture is about to be given upon missionary work in the East, is -referred to as “the Prince” that being the sanctioned English equivalent -to his native title, which conveys nothing to the general public. - -Yes, it seemed pretty clear that Mrs. Paston intended to keep the -distinguished visitor to herself--that was why she made herself -ambiguous when approached on the subject of his reception. - -But there were other authorities besides Mrs. Pas-ton, and one of them -was Mrs. Maxwell. She was the wife of a retired Indian Civil Servant, -and the _quasi_ Reception Committee showed some eagerness to learn what -her attitude would be in regard to the coming Cachar of Darjeeling. - -But Mrs. Maxwell said that her husband thought there had as usual been -some misprint or mixing up of words in the paper, for he had never heard -of the Cachar of Darjeeling; though there was a place named Cachar, and -it was in Darjeeling, and very likely there was a prince or whatever -they chose to call him in the neighbourhood. - -This was not getting much farther on in the solution of the question -that agitated the red-tiled group of Burford Society. It was pointed out -by one sagacious lady that the fact of there being a place named Cachar -in Darjeeling did not make it impossible that there should be a title -of Cachar. They had not to go far from home for an example of this. Was -there not a Lochiel in Scotland, and yet Lochiel was a place? Was there -not a Magillicuddy in Ireland, and Magillicuddy was a mountain? It was -pretty obvious that both Mrs. Maxwell and Mrs. Paston were temporising -with the Committee; each was doing her best to put the others off the -idea of leaving cards upon the Cachar, hoping to take him under her own -wing and keep him there. - -That was the opinion of more than one of the inquirers, and a good deal -of bitterness was occasioned by the reticence of the leaders. But no one -seemed to know what was the object of the Princes visit to Burford, how -long it was going to last, or with whom he meant to stay. - - - - -II.--THE PRINCE'S PARADE - -And then suddenly a stranger of dusky complexion and wearing flowing -robes and a splendid turban set with precious stones appeared on foot in -the High Street. He seemed greatly interested in the place, for he kept -parading the leading thoroughfare and several of its byways practically -the whole of the morning, so that he could scarcely escape the notice of -all the residents who were in the town; no one failed to see him or to -learn that he had taken lunch at Messrs. Caterham's new restaurant. - -An hour later Mrs. Paston drove up to Caterham's. She inquired of one -of the young ladies if the Cachar had rooms in the adjoining hotel, -and learned that he was resting in the private room at the back of the -restaurant. - -She at once sent in her card. - -Hardly had she done so when Mrs. Lake entered and greeted her--Mrs. Lake -was another of the red-tiled residents--saying--“I hear that the Prince -is here. I suppose you have sent your card to him--I am sending mine. -It is our duty, I think, to show some civility to such a visitor. -My brother, you know, is intimately associated with India--Woods and -Forests, you know.” - -She passed her card to the young lady, and smiled at Mrs. Paston in a -way that was meant to assure her that she was mistaken if she fancied -that she was to have the Prince all to herself. - -“I am sure that the Prince will be delighted to hear that your brother -is in---- What did you say he was in?” asked Mrs. Paston sweetly. - -“Woods and Forests--the most important Department in all India,” said -the other. “My brother would never forgive me if I allowed the Prince to -come here without showing him some civility.” - -They were going together to the door when they found themselves face to -face with Mrs. Markham and her daughter, both dressed as if for a garden -party, and close behind them came Major Sowerby of the Territorials and -his son, for whom he had been unsuccessfully trying to get a billet for -the previous two years. - -“Glad to see you here, Mrs. Paston,” cried the Major heartily. “Yes, I -maintain that it is our duty to welcome--to stretch out a right hand -of greeting to the natives of our great Dependency--one Empire--one -Flag--hands across the sea--that's what I have always advocated. I am -wondering if he couldn't do something for my Teddy here. I believe these -rajahs and memsahibs and cachars have got no end of money--rupees--the -old Pagoda tree and that. Teddy can turn his hand to anything.” - -The expression of his excellent patriotic sentiments was interrupted by -the arrival of nearly all the members of the Committee of inquiry, and a -card-case was in the hand of every one of them, and other ladies of the -élite were hurrying down the street, plainly making the restaurant their -objective. Within a quarter of an hour a whole salver of cards had been -taken charge of by the young lady, some of them bearing a few pencilled -words: “Hoping to be honoured by a visit,” “At home every day this week -at 4,” “Trusting to obtain permission to receive H.H. the Cachar,” and -the like. Mrs. Lake had written on hers, “Sister of Mr. George Barnes, -Woods and Forests Dept.,” and Major Sowerby had put in parenthesis under -his son's name, “Ellison prizeman at Routilla College, Eastbourne.” - -The next day the Prince appeared once again promenading the High Street. -He was a man of fine presence, of a rich ruddy brown complexion and a -black beard and moustache, and his turban was a sight! It contained a -central diamond little inferior in size to the Koh-i-noor, and on -each side of it was a pigeon's egg ruby--a lady who saw it called it a -pigeon's blood ruby lest there should be any mistake: a casual glance of -some one who did not know all about these great jewels might convey the -impression that it was only a bantam's blood ruby, which was quite an -inferior stone. He had an air of distinction which caused him to be -greatly admired, and yet he was so devoid of any foolish pride that he -did not hesitate to chat quite pleasantly to one of the young ladies -in Caterham's. (Mrs! Paston, hearing this, expressed the hope that the -young lady would be very careful. But Major Sowerby, when it reached -his ears, said he hoped the Prince would be careful. Mrs. Markham said -nothing, but glanced hopefully at her daughter.) - -[Illustration: 0175] - -All the ladies remained under their rosy tiles that afternoon, and all -the maids were supplied with the whitest of caps and aprons. Tea was -delayed in every house for three-quarters of an hour: there was -no knowing what might happen. But nothing happened. The Cachar of -Darjeeling was clearly feeling the embarrassment of having to respond -to a welcome offered in such plurality; though Mrs. Paston thought that -surely one of the young ladies in Caterham's would have told him to whom -he should give precedence in making his calls. Every other lady was of -the same opinion. - -Mrs. Paston thought it but right that she should give the Prince some -encouragement, so she wrote a little note to him inviting his confidence -as to his plans, and hoping that he might be able to lunch with her -the next day, when she would have great pleasure in driving him to Lady -Collingby's annual Flower Show. Four other ladies addressed notes to him -expressing precisely the same sentiments, and all set out to deliver -them at Caterham's with their own hands, to save the delay of a post. - -They entered Caterham's almost simultaneously, without noticing that -the hoarding which had been built about the next door premises while a -plate-glass front of noble design was being set in its place had -been removed. And when they inquired for the Cachar, the young lady -said--“He is in the new shop--you go through the arch on the left.” - -There was a Norman arch of lath and plaster enriched by insets of -highly decorated Lincrusta--the paper-hangmen had just left it--in the -partition wall; through it the ladies went and found themselves in a -spacious shop with a profusion of cheap specimens of Oriental china on -lacquer brackets about the walls, and an all-pervading smell of freshly -roasted coffee. It was clearly the newly acquired premises of the -enterprising Messrs. Caterham, which they meant to run as a shop for -the sale of Indian tea and West Indian coffee--the “Old Flag” was their -trade-mark--and a brisk sale of half-pound and quarter-pound packets was -going on at the counter. - -So much the ladies who had just entered could see; but a moment after -they had taken their first illuminating glance round the place they -stood with their eyes fixed upon one of the most prominent objects of -the place--the bustling figure of the Cachar of Darjeeling in native -dress, turban and jewels and all, tying up parcels of tea behind the -counter, and testing the coins which the crowd of customers tendered in -payment before pulling the bell-ringing drawer of the cash register! - -The enterprise of Messrs. Caterham had suggested to them the advertising -attraction in the form of a full-robed Oriental at the head of their new -tea department. They had promoted one of their old hands--he came from -the East End of London--to the post, and having “made up” under the -guidance of one of Messrs. Nathan's most highly qualified assistants, -Messrs. Caterham were perhaps not going too far when they asserted -in their advertisements that the tea trade of Burford would assume an -entirely new complexion. - -The ladies gazed in horrible fascination upon the impostor--at the -moment they were unable to differentiate between an advertisement and -an impostor--for nearly a whole minute, and then they turned and walked -slowly away without exchanging a word. - -Mrs. Paston left Burford the next day, having been ordered by her -medical adviser to Buxton. But Major Sowerby picked out his most -serviceable Malacca cane, and was heard to declare, while trying its -balance in downward strokes from left to right, that he had only to come -across that scoundrel who called himself by the honourable title of -a loyal Indian potentate in order to teach him a lesson that he would -remember so long as he had breath in his body. - -The general impression that prevailed throughout Burford, however, so -soon as the story of the exclusive ladies and their Indian prince was in -full circulation--and it did not take long to pass round the town--was -that the incident should teach a lesson to a good many people who take -it upon them to lead the red-tiled society of the new town. - -But whether they learn any lesson or not, there seems to be a consensus -of opinion that the sooner the name of the High Street is changed to -Prince's Parade the better it will be for the town, Messrs. Caterham, -and, incidentally, Mr. Isaac Moss, professionally known as the Cachar of -Darjeeling. (As a matter of fact, there are already several people not -belonging to the governing classes who, ever since the episode just -recorded, have invariably alluded to the lower part of the High -Street--that part which has been annexed by Messrs. Caterham--as the -Prince's Parade.) - - - - - -CHAPTER TEN--LESSER ENGLISH COUNTRY TOWNS - - - - -I.--STARKIE AND THE STATES - -I REMEMBER WITH WHAT ADROITNESS several years ago a distinguished -dramatist explained to a pressing interviewer what was his intention in -writing a certain play of his which was being widely discussed in many -directions. It was merely to show how dangerous it was for any man to -wander off the beaten track, he said: “A man must keep in line with his -fellow-men if he hopes to avoid disaster”--and so forth. The explanation -was no doubt accounted quite satisfactory by such persons as had been -perturbed on the matter to which it referred. - -It certainly would have been accepted with every token of assent by the -majority of the inhabitants of the lesser English country towns. They -regard as highly dangerous to the community the least departure from the -primrose path of the commonplace. They have a hymn which goes-- - - “We are travelling home to God - - In the way our fathers trod, - - They are happy now, and we - - Soon their happiness shall see.” - - -[Illustration: 0185] - -The stanza embodies their highest aspirations; and really, when one -comes to consider the whole matter, one could hardly formulate a more -satisfactory walk of life; only it is a walk, not a race, and some -people (outside a country town) look to go through life at a faster -pace. “In the way our fathers trod”--that is the sound motto of the -country town, and the man who tries to get out of the old ruts is looked -upon with suspicion by the sensible people to whom he may allude as old -rutters or even old rotters. - -A middle-aged inhabitant of a town nearly twice as large as our -Mallingham was greatly impressed with this truth by an incident which -had just come under his notice when I had occasion to call upon him some -time ago. He told me that he had been visited by a former townsman of -his, but one whom he had not seen for more than fifteen years. - -“No, you wouldn't remember Joseph Starkie, old Sol Starkie's son,” he -said to me in the course of his narrative. “It was before you came to -county. Queer restless chap was Joe always.” - -“Is he any relation to the Starkie who invented the magnetic lathe that -is used everywhere in the States?” I inquired. - -“I shouldn't wonder,” he replied, as if making a sad admission. “Yes, I -believe he said something about it when he was with me. He was just that -sort of chap--so restless and dissatisfied always--wanting to do things -differently from how they had always been done. His father was a most -respectable man, however, in the hardware line, and Joe was too much for -him: he packed him off to an uncle in the States, and there he has been -ever since, he told me. “Sad--very sad! His father had quite a nice -little business here, and if Joe had only settled down reasonably he -might have succeeded to it and done well.” - -“It strikes me that he has done pretty well elsewhere,” said I. “His -name is well known in every machine shop in the States.” - -“Is that so? Well, maybe so; but that's not like having a comfortable -place at home. Why, he might even have had a seat at the Town Council or -the Water Board in time. When he came in here to-day I knew him at once; -but I wasn't too eager with him until I saw from his way that he hadn't -come to borrow money, as I feared at first. He wanted to inquire about -some of his old associates, and he knew that I could tell him. 'Where's -Johnnie Vance?' he asked. 'I looked in at his old office just now and -no one seemed disposed to tell me.' I shook my head and pointed up the -road. He saw what I meant. 'Jail?' he whispered. 'Jail? What was the -trouble?' 'Embezzlement,' I told him. 'Well, well, who would have -thought it?' he said. 'And maybe you can tell me if Willie Rossiter is -still in his old crib,' he asked. I shook my head. 'Don't tell me that -he's in jail too,' he cried. 'No, no--at least, not exactly. I want to -be fair to every one. It's not jail, only the asylum.' 'What!' he said. -'Willie Rossiter--the asylum? How did it come about--an accident?' It -went against my grain to tell him that it was drink, but he pressed me -and I had to do it; and then he went on to talk about the old town for -some time, but I could see that he had another friend to ask about. He -pretended to be at the point of going and then suddenly to remember that -there was somebody else. Jimmy Gray--it was Jimmy Gray. 'By the bye,' -he said, 'I wonder if old Jimmy Gray is still knocking about.' I smiled. -'No, he's not doing much knocking about just now,' I told him. 'Not -dead?' he asked. 'Oh no,' said I; 'only he has just taken rooms in the -Bridgend Hotel.' 'What! the workhouse?' he cried. 'The workhouse -indeed,' said I. 'And nobody would have known anything about it if he -hadn't made a fool of himself writing to the Board of Guardians -complaining that he had been kept waiting for a quarter of an hour when -he had applied for admission.' That was the last of his inquiries after -his old friends. But they had all been restless chaps like himself--not -settling down to anything properly. Still, he didn't ask me to lend him -any money, and that was something.” - -I could scarcely fail to see that this exemplary citizen felt keenly the -value of the dramatist's suggestion, that it is very dangerous for a man -to fall out of line with the rest of the community. Social laws exist -for the community, not for the individual. At the same time, I was not -so firmly convinced as my friend seemed to be that Mr. Starkie's career -could be pointed to as a notable instance of the peril of marching out -of the way our fathers trod. He had declined to yield to the influences -of the magnet that “hung in the hardware shop” of his father, and had so -forsaken the two hundred a year and the obscurity of his native town -for the million dollars which he had earned by his inventions in -Pennsylvania, to say nothing of the fame which accrues to an inventor -who knows how to put his inventions on the market; so that there might -really be some people ready to assert that Joe Starkie's restlessness -suggested that a divergence from the scheme of the Red-man on the -warpath, who is careful to step into the footprints of the man who -goes before him, may now and again be advisable. I did not say so to -my exemplary citizen, however; for the fame of Joe Starkie had not yet -reached the place of his nativity, and the exemplary citizen might have -asked me what about Joe Starkie's old friends who were now sojourning in -various public institutions, and he would not have been satisfied -with my replying to the effect that they had stayed at home, and were -suffering for it. - - - - -II.--OUR FATHERS' FOOTSTEPS - -In the way our fathers trod”--that seems to be the proud boast of the -English country towns, and I am not sure that it is not a worthy -one, though its application to certain cases is certainly humorous. -I remember revisiting a town where I had once lived, and getting into -conversation with an elderly and well-to-do inhabitant. I mentioned -having met in London a surgeon who had been born in and lived in the -town. He certainly enjoyed the largest practice in London, and, in -addition to the K.C.B., bore as many continental orders as permitted of -his wearing (which he did) a very dingy dress-coat without its dinginess -being perceptible. His reputation had, however, eluded the cognizance of -his native town. - -“What a fool he was to go off to London, when he might have done so well -here,” was the comment of the elderly citizen upon my proud boast that I -had met Sir William in London. “If he had only held on here he might by -this time have got the best dispensary in the town.” - -I did not doubt it. - -He took the same view in regard to the career of another eminent -townsman, who, I mentioned, had just been made an F.R.S. - -“If he had been wise and carried on his father's business here he might -have been a J.P. by now,” was his solemn comment. - -I thought it better to refrain from any further remarks, lest I should -be made to feel more acutely than I did all that I had forfeited by my -premature departure from a town that offered such prizes for obscurity. - -There are still a large number of country towns in England where the -feeling still remains that any departure from their precincts is, if not -absolutely fatal, at any rate risky. I have met people in more than one -town who looked on a man's going to America as equivalent to absconding. -I suppose most of these places have some foundation of their own for -the tradition. It is quite plausible that, seventy or eighty or even -a hundred years ago, some wild young men may have found a voyage to -America to offer them a satisfactory alternative to an appearance behind -the spikes of the dock of the County Court-House, and America got a bad -name in consequence, being looked on as a continent peopled by men who -had gone wrong at home. However this may be, I must confess that I was -startled, when I first came to Thurswell and mentioned that I heard that -a young man who had played a good deal of lawn-tennis during the summer -was going to the States, by the inquiry-- - -“Why, what has he been doing anyway?” - -It did not come from one of the rustic population, but from a tradesman -in quite a good way of business--a considerable proportion of it in -canned provisions into the bargain. - -I believe that when Dr. Watson, the author of _Beside the Bonnie Brier -Bush_, went on his first lecturing tour to America, the financial -results of which were so satisfactory, an impression prevailed in -certain directions that the act was unworthy of a clergyman of the -Presbyterian Church, and he was made the object of a severe attack in -some quarters. - -One can easily appreciate the attitude of people who have lived all -their lives in an English country town in regard to the restless members -of a family. One has only to walk through a churchyard and read the -names on the tombs to understand how deeply rooted in the soil are the -people. So far as Thurs-well and Mallingham are concerned, a stroll -through one of the churchyards is almost equivalent to studying a -directory. The same names as are cut upon the tombs--some of them going -back a hundred and fifty years--are to be seen over the shop windows -to-day and on the dairy carts and the farm carts. In some cases the -name of a yeoman ancestor reappears in a Grand Jury list, indicating a -material advance in the social scale. The migration that has been -going on in our county for the past two hundred years seems to be -interparochial. Individuals moved from village to village and from -village to town. It is only within the past twenty-five or thirty years -that the ablest and the best have occasionally braved public opinion and -set sail for a colony. - -Even families that have “got on” seem to love to cling to the county -which saw the very small beginnings of their ancestors. Why should they -not? Love of one's county is only a subdivision of the grand virtue of -love of one's country. It was only when a certain aged doctor, who had -the family history of our neighbourhood at his fingers' ends for over -sixty years, published a volume of interesting reminiscences, in the -course of which he took occasion to refer to the very humble beginnings -of some families that considered themselves very “swagger,” that -we learned how tenaciously they had clung to their county. Even the -slow-moving Mallingham is not without its romances of “getting on.” One -of the most intrepid motorists in the borough is remembered by several -middle-aged burgesses as the wearer of the green baize apron and -the wielder of the broom of the caretaker and window-cleaner of a -solicitor's office; and from what I know of him I am inclined to believe -that that was the best kept office in the town when he had charge of it. - - - - -CHAPTER ELEVEN--THE CATHEDRAL TOWN - - - - -I.--IN THE SHADOW OF THE MINSTER - -BROADMINSTER IS ONE OF THE LESSER cathedral towns of England. There is -nothing remarkable about the Minster except its antiquity. It does not -convey the idea of vastness as do some of these venerable buildings. -One would never imagine oneself in the midst of a petrified forest -on passing through the porch. The carving about the pillars does not -suggest lacework in stone, though it is admirable in its way, and -the screen shows signs of having been “restored” in the days when -restoration meant spoliation. The coloured glass of the windows is not -especially good, but the oldest is undoubtedly the best. The modern -memorial windows were apparently estimated for and the specification of -the lowest-priced competitor accepted; but, really, the Chapter should -have prevented the perpetration of such a blunder as that of the artist -who, in his representation of the entrance to the sacred tomb, with the -sleeping Roman guards on each side, put a crescent moon in the very blue -sky! But for that matter, when I pointed out the mistake to one of the -higher canons, he did not perceive for some time that the Paschal moon -was bound to be within a few days of the full. - -The old Minster is, however, worthy of every respect, if it does not -quite inspire such feelings of reverence and awe as does Westminster -Abbey or Canterbury or Durham or Santa Croce at Florence. One feels that -it is the sort of building one can trust. It is solid throughout, -and that is something. I remember years ago, when I was lecturing a -long-suffering group on the marvels of Milan, calling attention to the -wonderful scheme of lighting by which the High Altar was made the centre -of illumination, I observed some shadows of the stone spandrels on the -roof for which I could not account. There the light spines and ridges -flowed upward to meet at the apex, and there the shadows slept, -increasing the effect amazingly. Only after some patient investigation -did I find that the groins were painted on the woodwork to imitate the -stone where the stonework ended! - -If there is nothing to wonder at in the interior of Broadminster, there -is at least something to trust. It is sound throughout. - -But why, oh! why, should that old woman be allowed to stand just outside -the porch with a basket of nuts on her arm, offering them for sale to -all visitors? - -A stranger within our gates was puzzled by this apparition at the door -of the church. He had just come from London, and he had been taken to -the Zoo. He looked for some reason for the nuts at Broadminster--reason -and consistency. If nuts, why not buns, he wished me to explain to him. - -I felt incapable of clearing away this mystery. I could not tell him, -under the shadow of the sacred building, the legend that I invented to -account for the nuts, but I told him in full when we got away from that -influence of veracity: it had to do with a crusader who, forsaken by his -comrades in the Lebanon, was forced to sustain himself with nuts, -and vowed that if ever he should get back to England he would endow -a Minster and decree that nuts should be offered at the porch between -prime and angelus every day for a thousand years. He kept his vow, -hence---- - -That was eight hundred and eighty-two years ago, so that only one -hundred and twenty of the vow had yet to run, and then---- - -He was barely satisfied with this explanation. I could scarcely blame -him: it did not satisfy myself. - -There are some people who think that the best part of St. Ursula--the -Minster is dedicated to St. Ursula--is the Close. The Deanery, and the -residences of the canons, major and minor, and all the officials of the -Cathedral, lay as well as clerical, stand on two sides of a square, with -the old building in the centre. Green meadows with a glimpse of green -hills beyond are on the other sides of the square, and just behind the -houses of the Close flows the Avonbeck, a narrow winding river in which -trout may be caught by the dozen by the least skilful fisherman. - -The beautiful gardens of the Close slope down to the banks of the river. - -I was told a pathetic story by the wife of one of the dignitaries -respecting a young man who had never any especial leaning for the Church -as a career, but who made up his mind, when he saw this Close and walked -through the gardens and fished in the Avonbeck, that the Church was the -only possible profession for him. He went through the usual course, was -ordained, and appointed to a parish in a slum in the Midlands, where he -has remained ever since--and that was twenty-five years ago. - -Equally pathetic, however, to some people may be the case of the -clergyman who practically started life as one of the lesser dignitaries -of the Cathedral and has remained there ever since--and that was -thirty-five years ago. It was said that he was once a good preacher, and -even now he seldom falls more than a couple of tones in going from -the Responses to the Prayers. He began with high ideas regarding Greek -texts, but now he devotes himself to Canadian trout. He has great hopes, -he told me, for the future of Canadian trout. - - - - -II.--THE NEW PALACE - -The Palace of the Bishop of Broadminster is not, of course, among the -buildings of the Close. It stands in its own grounds about two miles -away, and it bears tokens of having been built within the last quarter -of a century. It did not start life as a palace, but as the country -house of a business man in a bustling town. The story of how it became -the Palace is a curious one. - -The original Palace was a big square barrack of a place, costing a great -deal to keep up and giving no adequate return for its upkeep. It was a -survival of the days when a bishop was expected to maintain a retinue of -servants and never to go out for a quiet drive unless four horses were -harnessed to the coach. The stables were built to accommodate twenty-two -horses: it seemed to be understood that no self-respecting bishop could -do with less, so long-lived are the Church traditions of the Middle -Ages; and the servant retinue was expected to be maintained in the same -proportion. The consequence was that the revenues of the diocese were -quite insufficient to do more than keep up the place; they left nothing -over for the poor Bishop himself, who could do very well with a 15 h.p. -motor and a garage 25' x 15', a single chauffeur, and a gardener, instead -of six horses, a coachman, an under-coachman, four grooms, and nine -gardeners. - -Every now and again the question of the requirements of the Palace as -opposed to the requirements of the Bishop was cropping up, and -certain newspapers published letters from ignorant and irresponsible -correspondents in which the phrases “bloated revenues,” “princely -prelates,” “modern Wolseys,” and the like recurred, particular emphasis -being laid upon the fact that his lordship kept no fewer than -eleven gardeners--a very moderate exaggeration--for his own personal -gratification as a horticulturist. And all this was very harassing for -the poor Bishop. - -Now in the years when the upkeep of both the Bishop and the Palace was -becoming a serious problem, there was living in a bustling manufacturing -town a hundred miles from Broadminster a quiet little business man named -Robinson. He had begun life in a rather small way; but before he was -forty, having no expensive tastes and being engaged in a lucrative -business, he had made a fortune--not, of course, such a fortune as may -be made in the United States in these days, but still a fortune for an -English provincial town. It so happened that he lodged with two maiden -sisters slightly older than himself, and when he was about fifty he -asked the elder to marry him. She agreed, and married they were. - -After living a year or two in the house in which he had lodged they -started a one-horse brougham, and a little later Mrs. Robinson had a -fancy to live in the country; and as her husband invariably thought as -she did on every subject, he at once set about building a house that -would always be worth (his architect assured him) the money he spent -upon it. Mrs. Robinson being a pious woman and liking the Cathedral -service, the site of the house should be, they determined, within easy -reach of Broadminster. - -It was an admirable house when it was finished, and the three-acre -garden could easily be managed by one man and a boy. This was in the -days when a financial episode, known as the brewery boom, was beginning -to be felt throughout the country, and it was known that Mr. Robinson -had made as much in a week out of brewery shares as paid for the -house he had built and the gardens that had been laid out for him by -a competent landscape architect. And on the first morning that he -breakfasted in their new home he presented his wife with the title-deeds -of the whole, and made over the furniture to her as well. - -For five years they lived there in great happiness, and it was known -that they were devoted to each other; but before they entered on their -sixth year Mrs. Robinson died, and her husband found that she had made -a will leaving the house and grounds and furniture to the Church -authorities--whoever they were--for the use of the existing Bishop of -Broadminster and his successors for ever. - -It appeared that Mrs. Robinson had become aware of the Palace -difficulty, and made up her mind that she should do her best to solve -the question of providing a reasonable residence for the Bishop in place -of that insatiable monstrous barrack which he had been compelled to -occupy, and upon which he was forced to spend every penny of his income. - -Although the will rather startled Mr. Robinson--for his wife had not -confided in him that it was her intention to provide for the Bishop -and his successors--he had no fault to find with it. He confessed to -a friend that his dear wife had solved a question that might have -perplexed himself; for he had no relative to whom he might reasonably be -expected to leave the place. - -But before many days had passed he received a message from the -ecclesiastical solicitors begging him to have the goodness to let them -know at his convenience when it would suit him to give their clients -possession of the house: and then he was really startled. A visit to his -own solicitor made him aware of the fact that no provision had been made -in his wife's will for allowing him to continue residing in the house or -using the furniture therein--that he was, in fact, a trespasser in the -house that he had built for himself! - -A little thought, however, convinced him that as soon as the facts -of the case became known to the Church authorities there would be no -trouble in obtaining their consent to his remaining on in the house; but -it soon appeared that he had been rather too sanguine on this point. -It was explained to him that the authorities were unfortunately left -without any option in the matter, and possession of the place must be -given to them within three months, rent for this period to be paid by -him at a rate that might be agreed between his solicitor and themselves. -They were ecclesiastically courteous, but legally firm, and so Mr. -Robinson had to leave the house on which he had spent many hours -of loving and intelligent thought the gardens to which he had given -particular attention while they were being laid out, and the furniture -which he had selected piece by piece from the best makers. - -He was allowed to take away his own clothes, however, and he began to -feel that this was a concession. - -He went to Lausanne and died there a few years later, leaving about a -hundred thousand pounds to various charities, but none of them having -any connection with Broadminster. - -Before the end of the year in which the property was acquired by the -Church it became the Palace, Broadminster: previously it had been called -Leighside Hall. - -And from that day it is understood that the Bishop has been saving money -to make up for the years which the early locust abode of his had eaten. - - - - -III.--ANTE-MORTEM GENEROSITY - -Curiously enough, there stands within view of the new Palace another -house with a history attached to it which may strike some people as -illustrating, with a humour that is still more grim, the inconvenience -resulting from ante-mortem generosity on a large scale: post-mortem -generosity may occasionally be risky, but its display on even the most -lavish scale has never been known to cause any personal inconvenience to -the one who indulges in it. - -The house is an interesting old Jacobean one, standing on the side of a -mound within a loop of the river. - -It has consequently a series of terrace gardens which are quite -delightful at all seasons. For years it was occupied by a Captain -Hesketh and his wife, the latter having inherited it with a handsome -fortune from her mother, who was the heiress of a family of considerable -importance in the county. At her husband's death Mrs. Hesketh continued -to live alone in the old house with a niece--for she had no children -of her own--and in course of time the girl fell in love with a man who -seemed in every way the right sort of person for her to marry, only for -the fact of his having a very limited income. The girl's aunt, however, -having nothing to live for except the witnessing of the happiness of the -young couple, was generous enough to make over to them all her property, -retaining only a sufficient sum to enable her to live in comfort for the -remainder of her life. - -At this time she was sixty-three years of age, and her wants were very -simple. It is said that the annuity which she purchased amounted to no -more than three hundred pounds a year. Twelve years later, however, -the lawyer whom she had entrusted to carry out this portion of the -transaction for her died, and an examination of his affairs revealed the -fact that, instead of spending the money which she had handed to him in -the purchase of an annuity guaranteed by an Insurance Company of good -reputation, he had treated it as his own, and had merely paid her a -quarterly allowance. He died a bankrupt, owing thousands of pounds -to clients whose money he had appropriated; so that at the age of -seventy-five the unfortunate lady found herself penniless. - -Her position was annoying, she told the man from whom I had the story, -but she did not feel it to be serious. Of course, she had only to -explain matters to her niece and her niece's husband and they would -take care that she should not suffer through the swindling agent. She -hastened to have an interview with them on the subject, and was actually -smiling as she told them what had happened. She was not smiling, -however, when the interview terminated; for she found herself treated -by them as a begging stranger. They gave her a sound scolding for her -unbusinesslike credulity: the idea of entrusting her money to such a man -without taking the trouble to find out how he had invested it! The thing -was absurd--grossly absurd, and they thought that she deserved to suffer -for her culpable carelessness! - -Of course, though surprised and hurt at this want of sympathy, the old -lady readily admitted that she had been very careless; but the man had -been her lawyer and her husband's lawyer for over thirty years, and she -had implicit confidence in him, she said. After all, she reminded her -relations that she was an old woman, and that in all probability she -would not be a burden to them for more than a few years. - -This plea did not seem to soften them in any way; at any rate, it did -not prevent her niece from expressing the opinion that it was most -inconsiderate on her part to expect that she and her husband should -accept the responsibility of keeping her for the rest of her life. They -had two children to educate, she explained, and it was going too far to -expect that they should be made to suffer because of her stupidity. - -The poor old lady felt herself turned out of her old house--the house in -which she might still have been living if she had not been so foolishly -generous. - -The next day, however, she received a letter from her niece's husband -informing her that, after due consideration of the matter, he and -his wife had come to the conclusion that, although she had no claim -whatsoever upon them, they might be able to allow her a pound a week for -life. He trusted that she had saved enough during the previous twelve -years to allow of her living comfortably--many women, he reminded her, -were compelled to live on much less. The final sentence in his letter -was equivalent to an exhortation to her to thank Heaven for having given -her a niece of so generous a disposition. - -The story reached the ears of a lady who had been her friend for many -years, and she insisted on her rejecting the alms of her niece, offering -her a home with herself, and expressing her happiness to receive her -under her roof. The old lady accepted her friend's invitation; but at -the same time she made application to be admitted as an inmate to a -certain almshouse which had been founded and endowed by one of her own -ancestors. This step, however, she took in secret, and at least a year -would have to elapse before she could hope for admission to the charity. - -It so happened, however, that her generous friend had a son who had -obtained some eminence at the Bar, and it seemed that the grim humour of -the whole story appealed to him very strongly. But on thinking over the -matter he perceived that this element in the story was not so finished -as he thought it should be, if properly worked out by an ironic fate. He -considered himself to be something of a critic in such matters, and it -was possibly his artistic instinct that prompted him to make a move with -a view to remedy the deficiency that he perceived in the story. He had -acquired a pretty fair knowledge of men and their characteristics, and -it occurred to him that a solicitor who gave up so much of his attention -to the movements of stocks and shares as did this dishonest one who was -the cause of the old lady's disaster, might possibly have been guilty of -some neglect in respect of the deeds of gift conveying her property -to her niece, and he turned his attention in this direction. He knew -exactly what legal machinery to put in motion for the purpose of his -inquiry, and the result he considered highly satisfactory; but it is -doubtful if the ungrateful niece of the poor lady for whom the solicitor -he had engaged was acting was of the same opinion when she received -notice that a motion was about to be made before His Majesty's judges -to set aside the deed of gift made twelve years earlier on account of a -vital flaw in the document itself. - -The ungrateful niece and her husband consulted their solicitor when they -received their shock. He laughed reassuringly at first. - -“Sounds very like a bit of bluff,” said he. “What does it mean? Why -should your aunt want to get into her hands again the property that she -made over to you?” - -The man told him that the lady had been the victim of a rascally -solicitor, and so was left without a penny. - -“And now she seems to have got into the hands of another of the same -stamp, only worse,” said the lawyer. “I don't think you need be uneasy. -I'll get a copy of the original deed and get counsel's opinion about it. -Trent will be the man. I'll send it to Trent. He is the leading man for -that sort of thing. If there's any flaw in it he'll be able to lay his -finger on it.” - -The two clients looked at each other with something like dismay on their -faces. - -“My aunt has been living for the past three months with a Mrs. Trent, I -have heard,” said the lady. - -The lawyer opened his eyes unusually wide and screwed up his mouth into -the form of a puckered O. - -“She is his mother,” he said after a pause. “But why--why should -he bother about such a piece of business as this? Why should he be -interested in upsetting the deed when it was obviously the intention of -your aunt to present you with the property? You have not quarrelled with -her, have you?” - -“Oh no, there was no quarrel. She came to us with her story, of course, -and we at once offered to do something for her,” replied the niece. - -“Of course. That was the sensible thing to do. But this only makes the -matter seem more mysterious. She accepted your offer, I suppose, and -why, then, she should----” - -“She didn't accept it.” - -“What! Did she make a demand on you to return the whole property?” - -“Never. But she suggested that we should make good the three hundred a -year of her annuity.” - -“But isn't that what you say you promised her?” - -“We told her we couldn't afford that; but we offered her fifty-two -pounds a year.” - -“A pound a week--one pound a week? Oh, my dear lady! A pound a week! -Surely you are joking.” - -“We thought that she must surely have saved a good deal during the -twelve years.” - -“Three hundred a year, when you deduct the in-come tax, doesn't leave a -gentlewoman much margin for saving.” - -The man of the law shook his head and assumed a very serious look. - -“Of course, I can't say anything at this moment as to the sort of case -they have against you; but I do not feel justified in concealing -from you my impression that if it is as we suppose, and Mr. Trent has -pronounced against the deed, the Court will take his view of it. Trent -is not the man to try on any sharp practice. And my advice to you is -to make any sacrifice to prevent the case from going before the Court. -Trent, if he is moving in the matter, must feel the ground pretty -firm under his feet. What a pity it was that you did not suggest three -hundred a year to the lady instead of--oh, that was undoubtedly -a mistake--a pound a week. Well, we can only do our best in the -circumstances. Who are the solicitors that sent you the letter?” - -The lady gave him the name of the firm, and in due course he -communicated with them. An examination of the doubtful document removed -the possibility of his retaining any doubt as to its being invalid, and -his clients were assured that they could not contend the case there was -against them. - -After this, I suppose, there was a scene that could only have justice -done to its varied features by the pen of a gifted novelist. I can see -the weeping niece on her knees in front of the old lady who had been -her benefactrix, but whom she had repaid with gross ingratitude. Her -children would possibly be kneeling by her side--they certainly would on -the lyric stage or in the last chapter of the novel. No doubt the aunt -would be greatly affected, though properly reproachful. But I doubt -if the gallery of the theatre or the readers of the novelette would be -quite satisfied with the conclusion of the story; for the generous -aunt allowed her original gift to stand, only stipulating for her three -hundred a year out of the estate. - -Whatever humour one may perceive in these stories is certainly of that -unusual type which one might expect to find associated with a cathedral -town. It is the humour of an Old Testament parable--hard, and with a -lesson attached to it. - -Not precisely of the same nature was the definition of the duties of the -verger suggested by a promising youth, whom I had instructions to lead -round the Minster by his relations: they intended him to become an -architect, and thought that he should become acquainted with the design -of all the cathedrals to begin with. At first he supposed that the -dignified gentleman wearing the black gown and carrying a mysterious -emblem of authority was an archbishop, and I fear I failed to place him -in possession of the facts respecting the duties of the verger, for -he nodded, saying--“Ah yes, I understand--a sort of dignified -chuck-er-out.” - -It is not on record that there was attached to any great ecclesiastical -institution a dignitary who discharged the duties of a calcitrator. And, -so far as Broadminster is concerned, one may say that, whatever brawls -disturb the peace of other churches upon occasions, tranquillity reigns -within these grey walls and harmony among the spirits of its fortunate -aisles. - - - - -IV.--THE BLACK SHEEP - -Only the merest echo of a rumour of years ago regarding a parson who -managed to creep into the Chapter when he should have been excluded -survives to-day. And even this attenuated scandal would have faded away -long ago if some people had not kept it alive by a story which owes its -point to the use made of the shady parson's name by an old reprobate who -desired to score off a worthy clergyman. The worthy clergyman had come -to pay a serious parochial visit of remonstrance to the old reprobate, -and had made up his mind, in antique slang, to “let him have it hot.” He -had tried the velvet glove of the kindly counsellor several times with -the same man, and now he determined to see what the mailed fist would -do. Chronic intoxication was the old reprobate's besetting sin, and that -was--with more frequent intervals of repentance--the particular failing -of that parson who had been a thorn in the flesh to the Cathedral -Chapter. It was, however, the vice of which the visiting clergyman was -most intolerant; so he launched out in fitting terms against the old -reprobate, demonstrating to him how disgraceful, how senseless a thing -it was to be a sot. - -[Illustration: 0211] - -The man listened to him until the first pause came, and then he sighed, -saying--“Truer words were never spoken, sir, and no one knows that -better than yourself, Mr. Weston.” - -Now Weston was the name of the frail parson, who had been dead for -several years, and to hear himself so addressed was very nettling to the -teetotal clergyman. - -“My name is not Weston,” he said sharply. “You know that I am Mr. -Walters.” - -“I ask your pardon, sir,” said the man. “But I hold with all you say, -and no one has ever said the same better than yourself, Mr. Weston.” - -“Don't call me Weston,” cried the clergyman. “The fact that you are -muddled on a simple matter like this shows clearly to what condition you -have sunk.” - -“I don't doubt it, sir,” acquiesced the man sadly. “It's not a condition -for any human to be, though mayhap it's worse when it overtakes a -passon, as I'm sure you'll hold with me, Mr. Weston.” - -“I was informed that you had been sober for some days,” said the -clergyman. “But I now begin to fear that you are far from being anything -like sober. Have you had anything to drink to-day?” - -“Not a drop--not a drop, I'm sorry to confess to you, Mr. Weston.” - -The good parson sprang to his feet. - -“You are a wretched man!” he cried. “You are clearly so bemuddled with -that poison that you are incapable of recognising who is speaking to -you.” - -“Nay, nay, sir; I'm not so far gone as that. I'm never so far gone -but that I can know when a passon's a-speaking to me, Mr. Weston. I -s'pose 'tis summit in their manner o' speech, Mr. Weston.” - -The tortured clergyman caught up his hat and rushed from the cottage. - -Few people would have given the old reprobate credit for striking upon -so subtle a scheme of retaliation upon the clergyman who was a model -of rectitude, had not the clergyman himself been indiscreet enough to -complain, as he did with great bitterness, that the horrid old man was -so fuddled with drink as to be incapable of differentiating between a -cleric who had never been in the shadow of a cloud and one who had never -been otherwise than shady, and who, moreover, had been among the shades -for several years. - -There were, however, some people who had had experience of the readiness -of resources of the old reprobate, and who knew how he had aimed at -getting even with his upright visitor. And so the story spread, and -was the means of keeping green, if one may be allowed the metaphor, the -unsavoury memory of the thorn in the flesh of the Chapter. - -But if the wicked old man only simulated for his own base purposes a -mistake as to the identity of Mr. Walters, there was certainly no such -evil intention on the part of a young woman who, when on a visit to a -relation living in Broadminster, was invited to a dinner party and was -taken in by a fine-looking man of military appearance whose name was -pronounced by their hostess as Colonel Trelawney. The lady rather prided -herself on being equal to converse with men of any profession, and she -at once started with her partner at the table on a military topic, and -continued to ply him with questions of a more or less technical sort, -on most of which he professed an ignorance surprising in one who had -attained to the rank of a commanding officer. She almost became cross -with the completeness of her failure to draw him out; but just as the -cheese straws were going round she asked him in desperation if there was -any branch of the Service in which he was interested. - -“Well,” he said, “of course I am interested in every part of it, but -just now I have been studying all the authorities on the order of the -Creeds, and I must confess that I find them enthralling.” - -She was puzzled. - -“Are you in the Sappers?” she asked after a long pause. She had heard -that some of the Sappers had peculiarities. - -“The Sappers?” he repeated. “The Sappers? I'm afraid I don't quite -understand your question. How could I----” - -“Are you not Colonel Trelawney?” she cried. - -“I am Canon Trelawney,” he replied. “What! Is it possible that you -fancied--oh, it must be so. That is why you have been talking on -military topics all this time. Colonel! Oh, this is really amusing! -Colonel!” - -“I thought that our hostess had said 'Colonel,'” she murmured. “You must -have fancied that I was mad.” - -“It was largely my own fault,” said he. “I am a little old-fashioned, -and I have never taken kindly to the modern innovation in evening dress -adopted by my brethren. My father was a parson and he habitually wore -ordinary evening dress, and I followed him in this particular. I think I -shall have to get a dog collar and satin stock after all.” - -The lady did not care whether he did or not. She felt she had wasted an -evening. - - - - -CHAPTER TWELVE--A CLOSE CORPORATION - - - - -I.--TROLLOPE'S MRS. PROUDIE - -NO ONE WHO HAS LIVED FOR ANY length of time in a cathedral town can -fail to appreciate the perfection of Anthony Trollope's Barchester -series of novels. In my opinion no more artistic achievement than the -creation of Barchester and its people exists on the same scale in the -English language. I do not think that there is a false note in any -scene--a crude tone in any character. Certainly no writer ever dealt -with the members of any profession with such completeness and without -ceasing to interest a reader from page to page, from chapter to chapter, -from volume to volume. Fancy any writer venturing upon five long novels -with all the chief characters solicitors or solicitors' wives and -daughters! Fancy a dozen medical men stethoscoping their way through -a thousand closely printed pages! We know what military novels we have -been treated to from time to time--stuff to send guffaws round every -mess-room--as crude as the red of the tunics that gave the marksmen of -other armies every chance in the old days. - -The personages in _Barchester Towers, The Warden, and The Last Chronicle -of Barset_ are such finished pieces of characterisation that they strike -one as being photographs from life. One feels that the author must have -had intimate acquaintance with the originals of his portraits, as well -as with their entourage, before he could produce such transcripts from -nature. - -I suppose there was a good deal of speculation when the Barchester -novels were appearing as to the identity of the various cathedral -dignitaries. It seems to me that such a “placing” of the people was -inevitable. But an example was given me of the artistic way in which -Trollope went to work in the case of one of his best remembered -characters that let me see what a master of his art he was. I was some -years under twenty when _The Last Chronicle_ fell into my hands: it -was the first novel of Trollope's that I read, so that was the first -acquaintance I had with Mrs. Proudie. Before I had got through many -chapters I knew that I was listening to the voice of the wife of an -Irish Prelate--a lady whose character and temperament had been a twenty -years' tradition in the household of which I was a member, and whose -reputation had followed her from one city to another. The more I read of -the book the more impressed I was that this lady had been the model for -Mrs. Proudie in spite of the fact that the two had practically nothing -in common--nothing except the essentials that go to make up a character. - -Mrs. Proudie was a plain, rather stout little woman, but my Mrs. -Proudie was a tall, slight, and undoubtedly beautiful woman, even when -middle-aged--the most perfect type of the traditional aristocrat. It -would have been impossible for her to do any of the pettifogging of -Trollope's vulgar person, in the way that Mrs. Proudie did it, but -it was quite clearly understood--by no one better than the Bishop -himself--that she was the ruler of the diocese. She was the mother of a -family every member of which was remarkably good-looking; but Trollope -laid emphasis upon the commonplace daughters of the Proudies. - -Only an artist of the highest rank could create a character such as Mrs. -Proudie from the suggestions he had derived from the rumours respecting -our Bishop's wife, and only an artist of the highest rank could create a -personage which compelled all readers who knew the original to recognise -the source of his inspiration and feel certain of its identity in spite -of the absence of all outward marks of identification. - -For several years after reading the Barchester series I was accustomed -to hear people in the neighbourhood in which I lived refer to the -Bishop's wife as Mrs. Proudie--several clergymen certainly did so; but -quite fifteen years had passed before I heard that, previous to his -writing _Barchester Towers_, the author had been stationed in the same -neighbourhood as an Inspector in the Post Office Department. - -“In those days,” said my informant, who had served under Trollope, “the -Bishop's wife was at the height of her fame. Every one was talking about -her and the way she kept the poor Bishop under her thumb. We expected -that Mr. Trollope would make something out of her.” - -When I asked him how he could reconcile the difference between Mrs. -Proudie and the other lady--how he could reconcile Mrs. Proudie's death -in _The Last Chronicle_ with the other's still active life, he told me -that he had never read any of Trollope's books: the only writings of -Trollope that had come under his cognizance were the official reports -which he made to the head of the Department! - -Beautiful to the last, and ruling to the last, _our_ Mrs. Proudie -survived the published record of the other Mrs. Proudie by nearly thirty -years. I write this chapter sitting on a sofa which I bought out of the -Palace. The fact that the receipt of my cheque was signed by the Bishop -and not by the lady, suggests that in financial matters his lordship was -permitted to discharge the humblest of clerical duties. - -In Broadminster there has never been a rumour of a Mrs. Proudie; but -occasionally there comes a discordant note from the belfry of the -Cathedral. Only a quick ear can detect it, but having detected it, one -is conscious of an impression of uneasiness, and asks oneself or anybody -else if it is possible that all is not well in the Close. - -What sounds like the merest tinkle of discord outside Broadminster -reverberates throughout the Close, causing uneasiness and even -perturbation at times. - -During the past three years there have been two threatenings of huge -upheavals in Minster circles. The rumblings of an earthquake were heard -by some people of acute hearing, and the local seismometer--her name -is Lady Birnam--foretold a cataclysm. But happily the centre of the -disturbance passed away in another direction, and the foundations of the -Cathedral remained intact. - - - - -II.--THE INNOVATORS - -The volcanic force which caused all the alarm was a young clergyman -who, by reason of his personal merits and his relationship to the Dean, -became the most minor of all the canons, and probably the most pleasing. -But before he had been a year in attendance it was rumoured that he had -views, and no clergyman with views had ever been associated with the -services at the Minster. There have been clergymen who took a lively -interest in landscape photography--even colour photography--and others -who had rubbed with their own hands some of the finest monumental -brasses in the country. A prebendary went so far in horticulture as to -stand godfather to a new rose (h.p.), and a precentor who devised -an automatic reel--a fishing-rod reel, not the terpsichorean--but -no dignitary had previously been known to develop views on the lines -adopted by this Canon Mowbray, for his views had an intimate connection -with the Church Service. - -He had been heard to express the opinion that it was little short of -scandalous that people should enter the Cathedral and find themselves -surrounded by beauties of architecture and facing combinations of colour -in glass that were extremely lovely--that they should be able to hear -music of the most elevating type efficiently rendered by an organist -of ability and a well-trained choir, but the moment a member of the -Chapter--one of the dignitaries of the Church--began to discharge his -duties, either in his stall, at the electern, or in the pulpit, the -congregation were subjected to an infliction of mediocrity sometimes -verging on imbecility. It was little short of scandalous, he said, that -the most highly paid functionaries--men whose education had cost a great -deal of money--should show themselves so imperfectly equipped to -discharge their simplest duties in an intelligent manner. Few of them -could even intone correctly, and he had a suspicion that intoning was -invented to conceal their deficiency in reading the prayers. When they -stood at the lectern and read in that artificial voice that they assumed -for the Lessons for the day, treating the most splendidly dramatic -episodes with a tameness that suggested rather more than indifference, -they proved their inefficiency as plainly as when they stood at the -altar-rails and repeated the Commandments in that apologetic tone they -put on, as if they hoped the people present would understand quite -clearly that they, the readers, were not responsible for the bad taste -of the compiler of the Decalogue in referring to offences of which no -well-bred lady or gentleman would be guilty. - -And then he went on to refer to the preaching.... - -Now Canon Mowbray did not give expression to his views all at once. He -was forced to do so by the action of the Dean and Chapter after he had -startled them all, and the congregation as well, by his dramatic reading -of the First Lesson, which was of the discomfiture of the Priests -of Baal by the prophet Elijah--a subject treated very finely by -Mendelssohn. - -The truth was that Canon Mowbray had paid a visit to London every week -in order to get a lesson in elocution from a well-known ex-actor, and at -the end of six months had mastered, at any rate, the fundamentals of the -art. His performance, regarded by itself, would have been thought quite -creditable; but, judged by comparison with the usual reading of the -Lessons in the Minster, it was startling--thrilling. Long before he had -got to the ironic outburst of the prophet, “Cry aloud, for he is a god,” - he had got such a hold upon his hearers that when he made a little pause -the silence was striking. At the close also, when he had shut the -Book and stood for a few moments before saying, “Here endeth the First -Lesson,” the silence was the ecclesiastical equivalent to the plaudits -of the playhouse at the effective close of an act: he might have said, -“Here endeth the First Act.” - -It seemed as if there was not a sirloin in Broad-minster over which -the performance was not discussed. Sides were taken in almost every -household of faith, some people condemning the innovation, others being -enthusiastic in its favour. The one said it was too theatrical--it was -not for clergymen to put themselves into a part, as if they were actors; -the other affirmed that the Bible should be read by a clergyman as if he -believed what he was reading, not in that _voix blanche,_ as the French -call the insincere monotone which for some reason, hard to discover, has -been almost universally adopted as the voice of the Church. - -As a natural consequence of the discussion the attendance at the -afternoon service was immense, for it was understood that Canon Mowbray -was to read one of the Lessons. Men who had become quite lax in their -churchgoing looked up their silk hats, and even chapelgoers, having -heard of the morning performance, hastened to the Minster just to see -how theatrical it was. The organist wished he had chosen a more showy -anthem than “In Judah is God known.” This was quite too commonplace for -such an occasion, he thought: it would allow of the clergy's competing -with the choir for popularity, the idea of which was, of course, absurd. - -The offertory was nearly double that of any afternoon of the year. - -There could be no doubt that the “draw” was Canon Mowbray. He filled the -stage, so to speak; when he went to the lectern the effect was the same -as is produced on a full house by the entrance of the “star,” and once -again the silence was felt to be a subtle form of applause. - -Canon Mowbray had no chance of electrifying his hearers, for they were -expectant; he managed, however, to get far more out of an unemotional -chapter than had ever been got out of it before, so that it was made -perfectly clear to every one that he meant to pursue the line he had -struck out for himself, and for the next few days there was no real -topic in Broad-minster but the innovation of Canon Mowbray. - -It was not surprising that the Close should be greatly perturbed by the -innovation. The Chapter was against it to a man. They had got into a -groove so far as the church services were concerned, and they had been -running very easily in it for many years. Where was the need to make any -change? they asked. But even if some change was needed, why should it be -such a one as that of which Canon Mowbray had made himself the exponent? -There were the weaker brethren to consider: in every clerical discussion -the question of considering the weaker brethren plays a prominent -part. The weaker brethren objected very strongly to the introduction -of elocution in any florid form at the lectern or in front of the -altar-rails, and beyond a doubt the playhouse--a theatre is invariably -alluded to as a playhouse by people who are arguing against it--the -playhouse and the House of God are separate and distinct, and any -attempt to introduce the atmosphere of the former into the latter -savoured of irreverence, and should not be tolerated by any one having -at heart the welfare of the Church. - -Of course, Canon Mowbray was quickly made aware of the opinion of the -Chapter regarding his innovation, and then it was that he made use of -the somewhat intemperate phrases already quoted in defining the artistic -incompetence of the clergy; and the clergy speedily learned all that he -had said and was still saying about them, and they were naturally very -much displeased. - -But what could they do in the matter? - -Well, it was obvious that they could be cold to him--they could delete -his name from the list of invitations to their whist parties and dinner -parties and luncheon parties. They could make it difficult for him to -get up a set at lawn-tennis or badminton; and, sure enough, they put -in motion all the apparatus of excommunication which is still at -the command of the Church. But the result was not all that had been -anticipated; for the people who felt that they owed Canon Mowbray a good -turn for the entertainment with which he had provided them for several -Sundays, got up special parties in his honour: dinner parties, and -whist parties, and even “tweeny” parties--the Sunday lunch between the -services at the Cathedral which occupies so prominent a position in the -convivial régime of Broadminster. But Canon Mowbray was wise enough not -to accept any of the invitations that he received. He knew that there -was far more to be got out of a pose as persecuted reformer than from -appearing at the most elaborate tweeny lunch that the most interesting -house in the town could provide. - -He was quite right; for within a month he was summoned before the Dean -himself, and remonstrated with on the error of his excessive elocution. -It was understood the great Dignitary had used his own weapons against -him during this interview: his elocution was excessive as he referred to -the Canon's attempt to introduce an element into the services which -had previously been monopolised by the playhouse--the Dean, of course, -called the theatre the playhouse. - -It need scarcely be said that this interview of remonstrance represented -a martyr's crown of 22 carats, hall-marked, to Canon Mowbray, and he -took care to display it: he never appeared in public without it. He -brushed his hair to accommodate its rim upon his head--every one who -has come in contact with a martyr knows how far the brushing of his -hair goes to the establishment of his claim to the crown--and it was -understood that even if Canon Mowbray's “size” had been in excess of -that marked on the ticket in his hat, it was nearly certain that within -a short time his head would be found quite equal to the wearing of his -crown without any one suggesting that it was a misfit. - -But he had got the better of the Dean in the interview--he took care -that this fact became known. He had not forgotten himself or his -position for a moment. He had expressed his great regret that the Dean -was unable to look at the question of the innovation with his, the -Canon's, eyes; he had a great respect for the Dean's opinion on most -matters, and he knew no one whose advice he would follow more gladly; but -in this particular point he found it impossible to do so. Surely if -the art of the musician was admitted into the services, the art of the -elocutionist should not be excluded--and so forth. Good taste? He was -said, that he could not allow any considerations of what some people -called good taste to interfere with what he believed to be his duty. -After all, good taste and bad taste were merely relative terms. It was -not possible that on any aesthetic grounds Mr. Dean would be prepared to -say that the slovenly reading of the Sacred Word to which they had been -for long accustomed at the Minster was more tasteful than--than one in -which the ordinary principles of elocution were observed. - -It was when the Dean was confronted with arguments which he made no -attempt to answer that he became grossly personal, Canon Mowbray said, -attributing to him, the Canon, motives unworthy of a clergyman with any -sense of his high calling, and thereby proving pretty conclusively, the -Canon thought, that as an arbiter of good taste the Dean could scarcely -be admitted to a position of any prominence. - -The result of the Dean's remonstrance was to strengthen the Canon's -cause in the eyes of his adherents; and when one of these friends wrote -a letter to the newspapers, expressing the opinion that if Canon -Mowbray had been guilty of any breach of discipline the ecclesiastical -authorities should take action with a view to justifying themselves in -the attitude they had assumed in regard to him, the general opinion was -that the Canon had triumphed, for the Dean and Chapter knew perfectly -well that they had no power to accept the challenge implied in the -letter: the question was not one of turning to the east or turning -to the west, or of lighting candles in a place where no artificial -illuminant was required, or of wearing an overelaborate robe--it was -solely a question of taste, and the discipline of the Church has nothing -to do with matters of taste. - -It was at this point that Lady Birnam, who claimed to be a local -ecclesiastical seismometer, so to speak, prophesied a cataclysm that -would shake the Church to its foundations. She went far beyond the -advisory committee of St. Paul's in considering the consequences of -making new subways by the London County Council. - - - - -III.--THE PEACEMAKERS - -And yet within a couple of months the last rumble of the threatened -disturbance had passed away. - -This is how the _status quo ante bellum_ was restored: - -The offending Canon was in the habit of confiding in his supporters his -feeling of sorrow that none of his clerical brethren had the manliness -to follow his example and read the Lessons as they should be read: -he had quite believed, he said, that in a short time the slovenly, -monotonous reader would have ceased to appear at the lectern; he was -greatly disappointed. - -But one Sunday an elderly Prebendary astonished every one by “putting -on” two separate and distinct voices in reading the First Lesson. It was -the chapter in which Moses pleads for the Children of Israel when their -destruction is threatened by the Almighty. Now it will be plain to any -one that to treat this duologue in an elocutionary style requires a -delicacy of touch of the rarest sort; but unhappily the reader seemed -to have the idea that all that was necessary to deal with the most -important passages effectively was to deliver them in two voices, -and this scheme he adopted. The one voice was that of a good-natured -gentleman taking the part of naughty schoolboys who had been caught -robbing the orchard of an irascible old farmer; the second voice was -that of the irascible old farmer who had cornered them and had sent one -of his staff for a dog whip. - -The effect was startling at first. It seemed as if the clergyman had -seen Irving in _The Lyons Mail'_ and thought he could not improve -greatly upon the method of the actor in the dual rôle--speaking in the -mild accents of the amiable Lesurges on the one hand and in the gruff -staccato of Dubose on the other. At first this touch of realism was -startling, but as it went on it became queer, then funny, and at last it -had the element that made its emphatic appeal to most hearers, that of -burlesque. Some of the congregation were shocked: they had no idea that -“God spake these words and said” in the tone of a testy old gentleman. -Others were frankly amused and showed it without reticence; and the -entertainment closed with the giggling of choir-boys. - -The Second Lesson was read by Canon Mowbray in a very subdued way. -Contrary to the expectation of a good many people, he made no attempt -to match himself in realistic effects against the Prebendary; and when -during the week remarks were made in his hearing respecting that member -of the Chapter and his elocution, he only shook his head sadly. The -other members of the Chapter could do no more. When an elderly clergyman -has made a fool of himself within the precincts of his church people can -only shake their heads. - -But the next Sunday the congregation who crowded the Minster at the -afternoon service shook not only their heads but their bodies also in -their decorous but wholly ineffectual attempts to smother their -laughter while the Prebendary read a chapter in the Book of Ruth which -necessitated, he thought, full orchestral treatment. He clearly saw -the parts for a basso, a tenor, a soprano, and a contralto, and he set -himself about doing all four by subtle modulations of his voice. Now, -people do not as a rule mind a middle-aged parson's putting on a gruff -voice when reading what a man said, or going up an octave or so when -assuming the dialogue of a milder-mannered man; but when he puts on -a falsetto, and a very high falsetto, when he essays to reproduce the -words of a woman, and occasionally breaks in an attempt to lay the -emphasis on the right words, the most decorous of folk will either laugh -or weep--and the great majority of the worshippers in the old Minster -this day did the former. Quite a number hurried from the Sacred -Fane with their handkerchiefs held close to their mouths. But once -outside---- - -That was how the scandal which threatened to make Broadminster Chapter -a house divided against itself was dispersed. It was obvious that the -Minster was too antique a place to be made the scene of so great an -innovation as Canon Mowbray had attempted to introduce, and he at -once fell back into the recognised monotone, with a suspicion of the -sing-song rising and falling from sentence to sentence in his reading of -the Lessons, and the Prebendary once more followed his example; and so -the plague--or worse--was stayed. - -But the general impression that prevailed throughout Broadminster -when the whole question of the innovation was discussed was that -that middle-aged Prebendary had not gone very far in making a fool of -himself. They had heard of a potent form of argument technically known -as _reductio ad absurdum_, but they had never before had so signal an -instance of its successful operation. - - - - -IV.--THE VOX HUMANA - -Some years had passed before there was another little fluttering in the -Minster dovecotes; but this time the disturbing element happily did not -arise within the Chapter. The fact was that at the afternoon service one -Sunday a voice of extraordinary charm was heard when the first of the -hymns was begun. It was the voice of a professional soprano, and one of -the finest _timbre_ beyond doubt; but it was so clear and so resonant -that, to make use of the verger's criticism whispered into my ear, it -gave the rest of the congregation no chance whatsoever. Now every -one knows that there is nothing so startling in a church as one voice -ringing out even a single note above the vague cloud of sound, if one -may be allowed such a phrase, that comes from a singing congregation. -But here was a young woman who went through every verse of the hymn -as though the volume of sound coming from the nave, the aisle, and the -choir itself were only meant as a sort of background for her voice. - -Of course before the third stanza was reached the great majority of -those who had been singing had ceased. They saw that, in the verger's -phrase, they had no chance against so brilliant a vocalist; they -turned their eyes upon the young woman, some of them with frowns of -indignation, but others with frank admiration. But undoubtedly all -were startled. - -When the second hymn began it was plain that the music presented -no difficulties to the stranger; she sang as before with exquisite -sweetness and expression, but still with a ringing clearness that -suggested the song of the skylark soaring above a field of corncrakes. -Even the efforts of the choir did not rise much above the melody of the -corn-crakes in early dawn when that girl was singing. - -Naturally such an unusual display caused a considerable amount of -talk in Minster circles. It was pronounced in many directions to be -in extremely bad taste for any young woman to sing down a whole -congregation in such a way; but while some people said it must be put a -stop to at once, others declared that they had never had such a treat -in their lives. (They probably meant for the expenditure that was -represented by their donations to the offertory.) - -But when the wives of such members of the Chapter as were blessed with -wives declared definitely that a stop must be put to so unreasonable a -display of an undoubted gift, their husbands asked how they proposed to -put a stop to it; and once again it appeared that, after all, the powers -of a Cathedral Chapter are very limited. - -Inquiries were made as to who the singer actually was; but no one seemed -to know her. She was a stranger, and was certainly not living in the -town. - -The next Sunday brought about a repetition of the same rather -embarrassing scene. The vocalist, who was a very handsome and an -expensively but not showily dressed young woman, sang as before quite -unconcernedly, and apparently oblivious of having done anything out of -the common. - -At the end of the first hymn, however, the organist's boy was seen to -approach her, and to put a piece of paper into her hand. It obviously -contained a message to which an answer was required, for the boy waited -while she read the thing, and then she inclined her head, evidently -signifying her assent to whatever suggestion it conveyed to her. - -No one who saw the act doubted that the organist had sent her a message, -begging her not to sing quite so loud. - -In due course the precentor announced that “the anthem is taken from Job -xix. verses 25, 26: 'I know that my Redeemer liveth... and though worms -destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God.'” - -The lovely notes of the organ obbligato were heard in the introduction, -and then the people in the church became aware of the fact that the -melody was not being sung by the usual choir-boy, but by the stranger; -and never before had it been sung with such feeling or such an -appreciation of its beauty. It was natural that the old Cathedral-goers -should look at one another with startled eyes at first--here was an -innovation indeed!--but before long the most hardened of them all -had yielded to the exquisite charm of the girl's voice, and when the -triumphant notes rang out there was no one who remained unmoved under -that ancient canopy of Gothic arches. - -And that unhappily is the end of the whole story. The girl and the -elderly lady who had come with her to the Minster walked away at the -close of the service, and no one was able to say in what direction they -went or whence they had come. No one in the town knew either of -them. They had not been at any hotel, nor had they taken the train to -London--the organist made it a point to be at the station to find out. -That beautiful, singer might have been a celestial visitant sent as a -special compliment to the organist of the Minster--it was rumoured that -the views of the organist were strongly in favour of this theory--so -mysteriously had she come and so utterly had she vanished. - -But during the week that followed that episode in the Minster little -else was talked of in the town. The Chapter took the gravest view of the -action of the organist in sending that note to the vocalist, asking her -if she would kindly sing the solo: he confessed that he had done so. -They said that it was quite irregular, and he acknowledged this also; in -fact, he was ready to acknowledge every thing to which the Chapter -took exception if they would in turn acknowledge that he had been -instrumental in providing them with such an artistic treat as they had -never known within the walls of the Cathedral. And then he began to -laugh at them, for he knew that they all had a wholesome dread of him, -from the Dean down. He broached that suspicion about the angel, and -lectured them upon the good fortune of some people who had entertained -angels unaware. He wondered if that mysterious vocalist had entertained -them. If so, he hoped that they would contrive when intoning the prayers -in future to end up within a tone or two of the note on which they had -started. - -[Illustration: 0237] - -They smiled and were silent. Some of them thought that he had let -them off easily enough. They were trembling lest he should go into -particulars. - -But for that week there was a great deal of controversy in Church -circles respecting the episode, and on the following Sunday the Minster -was crowded; for it was rumoured that the organist had another anthem -with an effective soprano solo which he meant to spring upon the Chapter -in place of the baritone, “What is man that Thou art mindful of him?” - which was on the board, in view of the reappearance of the girl. - -Every one was disappointed, however; the service was conducted as usual, -for the soprano was not there, and Mr. Stone, the very capable baritone, -had it all his own way in respect of the anthem. He never sang it better -in all his life, and everybody went home disappointed, except perhaps -the Chapter and their womenfolk, who had perceived how easily a vocalist -of exceptional ability may in certain circumstances be the means of -causing confusion in the conducting of the services of the Church. - - - - -V.--THE PILGRIM'S PROGRESS - -I am inclined to think that the people of Broad-minster are about the -best informed of all people in the county in regard to general topics. -But sometimes this opinion, which so many visitors form, is not -confirmed by residence in the town. In these days, when one hears that -it is impossible to educate a girl as she should be educated for less -than £200 a year, one expects a great deal of knowledge from girls -generally. A clergyman of the town, who is not connected with the -Minster, is constantly telling me of instances that have come under -his notice of the most expensively educated girls showing an amount of -ignorance that should, but probably would not, make a Board School girl -blush were it brought home to her. He assured me that the daughter of -one of the Minster dignitaries, in seeing a casual reference to Elaine, -had begged him to tell her in which of Shakespeare's plays she appeared: -she herself had made a diligent search through that author without -success. - -I could scarcely believe that such an incident had taken place, for I -was under the impression that Tennyson was still read by girls; but a -short time afterwards I overheard a couple of young women--one of them -not so very young--talking on literature. - -The elder had mentioned that she had read in a magazine that the best -account of the great plague was in a book written by Defoe, and she -wondered if the other girl knew what book it was in. The other shook her -head, saying-- - -“You need not ask me; the only book of Defoe's that I ever read was -_The Pilgrim's Progress_, and I never finished it.” - -“I thought you might chance to know,” said the other complacently, -evidently not seeing her way into any side issue in respect of the -authorship of _The Pilgrim's Progress._ “I'm tremendously interested in -something I have been reading on tropical diseases, and I thought that I -should like to learn something about the old plagues.” - -I fancy that both young women went through a course of English -literature at their expensive school, and they probably would reply to -your assurance that you knew the difference between Daniel Defoe and -John Bunyan and their works when you were twelve years of age, that they -could have done the same. What chance has Defoe against golf or Bunyan -against badminton. If a girl only puts her heart into it she can -forget between eighteen and twenty-four much that she has learned -previously--at a cost of a couple of thousand pounds or thereabout. - -But, I repeat, there is a great deal of intelligence to be found in all -circles in Broadminster, and now and again one is confronted by some -strong piece of evidence of original investigation on a historical as as -well as a literary subject. Seldom, however, does one have an important -logical conclusion to an apparently trivial incident enforced upon one -with the same lucidity as characterised a lady's expression of surprise -that the hallucinations of the great Duke of Wellington in the latter -years of his life had not been commented on by any of his biographers. -People were accustomed to laugh at the assertion of the Prince Regent -that he had been present at the battle of Waterloo, and at the -Duke's reply to him when appealed to for confirmation: “Indeed, I -have frequently heard your Royal Highness say so.” But what about the -Duke's own hallucination? Is it not recorded of him that upon one -occasion, when watching the playing fields at Eton, he declared that -the battle of Waterloo had been fought there? Yet although everyone -knew that Waterloo was in Belgium, no one seemed to have noticed the -extraordinary mental lapse on the part of a man who might reasonably be -supposed to have the chief features of the locality impressed upon him. -She added that she feared, if the error were not pointed out in time, -the Duke's statement might become generally accepted, and so posterity -might be led to believe that Napoleon's career had been brought to a -close on the banks of the Thames, which was not a fact. - - - - -VI.--THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE MINSTER - -The effect of residing for some time in such a town as Broadminster--a -community on which the shadow of an ancient Minster has rested for nearly -six hundred years--is noteworthy. One breathes of the atmosphere that -clings about the old stonework, and, in time, one is conscious of one's -ideas and aspirations becoming assimilated with the traditions of the -place. On a fine morning in summer even an Irishman feels himself to be -an English Conservative--a genuine Tory of the good old days when boys -were taught to touch their hats to a “passon,” and when it was a matter -of common knowledge that the finest vintage ports were reposing in the -cellars of the Close. - -An instance of the insidious influences of an atmosphere too strongly -charged with Anglozone--one must invent a word to express this -particular elixir of the cathedral town--came under my notice some years -ago. A young American lady, after travelling about a good deal, settled -in a beautiful old house in Broadminster. Rooms panelled with old oak, -an oak staircase with well-carved newels and finials, and a room on -the wall of which some frescowork of the fourteenth century had been -discovered, completed the charm which the Minster bells began in the -mind of the young woman, and she began to speak English as incorrectly -as if she had been born in England. - -I met her one day wearing mourning--not exemplary mourning, but enough -to induce a mild and conventional expression of sympathy. - -Oh no, it was not for any near relation, she said; but surely I had -forgotten that the day was the anniversary of the execution of the -Earl of Strafford. What Strafford was that? Why, of course, Charles the -First's Strafford. How could Englishmen be so neglectful of the memory -of one of the greatest of Englishmen? - -“If you go into mourning for Strafford, I suppose you fast upon the -anniversary of the death of Charles the First?” I suggested. - -“The martyrdom of King Charles is commemorated in some parts of the -States in the most solemn manner,” she replied. “Oh yes, I can assure -you that we are Stuart in every fibre of our bodies. I am President of -the White Rose Society of Chillingworth County, Massachusetts.” - -“But you are not, I hope, active Jacobites?” said I. - -“Well, no--not just yet; but we can never acknowledge the Hanoverian -succession. We owe the Hanoverians a grudge: it was a king of that house -who brought about our separation from Great Britain. That old wound -rankles still.” - - - - -CHAPTER THIRTEEN--AMONG THE AMATEURS - - - - -I.--MR. BARTON'S HIGH NOTE - -THE ARTISTIC INFLUENCES OF A CATHEDRAL with a good organist and a -capable choir in any town cannot be questioned; and so it is that the -concerts which take place with some frequency in Broad-minster and -the neighbourhood are usually quite good. The members of the choir are -always ready to sing for the many deserving objects that occur to the -active minds of the organisers of amateur concerts. One of these ladies, -however, made up her mind that people were getting tired of the local -tenors, and resolved to introduce a new amateur, whom she had heard sing -at Brindlington, for a concert she was getting up for the Ophthalmic -Hospital. This gentleman's name was Barton, and he was said to be a very -promising tenor of a light quality. He certainly behaved as such when he -came to Broadminster to rehearse on the afternoon of the day preceding -the entertainment. Dr. Brailey, the organist of the Minster, had kindly -consented to play the accompaniments as usual, though his best tenor was -to be superseded by the gentleman from Brindlington, and he attended the -rehearsal. - -Before he had got through the first stanza of the stranger's -contribution--a song that the musician had accompanied hundreds of -times--he found himself being instructed by Mr. Barton how to play the -introduction to the second stanza. Then he found himself told that he -was playing too loud: “Keep it down, my dear sir, keep it down--this is -not a pianoforte solo,” said the amateur petulently, to the horror of -everyone present, with the exception, apparently, of the musician; -for Dr. Brailey only smiled and remarked that he hoped he would with -practice be able to give the gentleman satisfaction. But even this -course of suavity did not seem to produce a good impression upon the -amateur: he continued grumbling, winding up by saying-- - -“Oh, well, I suppose that will have to do,” while he turned his back -upon the musician. - -But the musician did not seem in the least hurt. He smiled. - -He was in his seat at the piano the next evening when the new tenor came -forward to sing his song. It occupied, of course, the best place in the -programme, and the first stanza came off very well: the high note a bar -or two from the close was in itself a feat, but the singer produced it -correctly and hung on to it as long as he could, and Dr. Brailey gave -him every latitude, not proceeding with the accompaniment until he had -quite finished with it. - -And then Dr. Brailey did a thing which he alone in the town could do: he -raised the key a tone in attacking the second stanza without the singer -being aware of it; it was only when he approached the same high note to -which he had clung in the first stanza that he began to feel that he was -not so much at his ease in forcing it again. He pulled himself together, -however, and just managed to touch it--there was no thought of clinging -to it now; he touched it and then hurried away from it down the scale, -and under covert of the encouraging applause which the singer received -the accompanist unostentatiously raised the key again as he dashed into -the third stanza. Gratified by his previous success, the tenor went -gallantly onward; again he realised that the high note would tax him to -the uttermost--he felt that he was straining his voice to touch even -a lower note. But what could he do? The copy of the song which he held -trembled in his fingers; then he took a quick breath and made a dash for -the high note. - -He never reached it--his voice broke upon it with the usual comical -effect, and the young people in the audience yelled with laughter. A boy -scout or two at the back of the hall thought the moment a propitious one -for showing how accomplished they were in imitating the everyday sounds -of the farmyard; and under such a volley, mingling with the laughter -of the choir-boys, one of whom simulated the tremolo of a cat unable to -fulfil its engagements in good time, and attempting to produce Chopin's -Funeral March from the beginning with a far too meagre orchestra, the -singer turned and almost fled from the platform. - -It was Dr. Brailey who had to announce to the audience at the start -of the second part of the concert that Mr. Barton, owing to a sudden -indisposition, would be unable to sing “Let me like a Soldier fall”--the -other song that was opposite his name on the programme--but that their -old friend, Mr. Stamford, had kindly stepped into the breach and would -do his best with that number. - -“Loud and prolonged applause,” the _Gazette_ stated, followed the -announcement; for Mr. Stamford was the leading tenor of the Minster -choir. - -Mr. Barton, carrying with him his three encore songs--he had come -fully prepared to meet the preposterous demands of an enthusiastic -audience--left Broadminster by the night train. And up to this day I -believe that he does not know by what diabolic trick on the part of -some one he made such a fiasco. He has been heard to declare that no -persuasion will ever induce him to sing again in Broadminster, and, so -far as I can gather, there is no likelihood of any machinery being set -in motion to cause him to break his vow. - -I think that the claim which the musical fraternity of Broadminster -advance respecting the moral tone of their performances, whether given -under the patronage of the Church or not, can certainly be maintained. -The Kreutzer Sonata has been placed on the _Index Expurgatorius_ of the -Concert Committee ever since Tolstoi wrote a foolish book pointing out -whither that composition was likely to lead young people with a tendency -toward voluptuousness; and when a lady of a sensitive nature but an open -mind submitted to them a song which she had been advised to sing at a -forthcoming concert, pointing out where in one line the writer of the -words had, she thought, gone a little too far, they considered the -matter with closed doors and all females excluded, and decided that her -suspicions were but too well founded, and that the offensive line should -be altered. This was done, and the honour of Broadminster was preserved -intact. - -The name of the song was, “It was a Dream,” and the line objected to -was-- - - “We kiss'd beneath the moon's cold beam.” - -The shock of this shameless confession was mitigated by the substitution -of the word “met” for “kiss'd”-- - - “We met beneath the moon's cold beam-- - - It was a dream--it was a dream!” - -“Nothing could be happier than the change,” said Lady Birnam. “It left -so much to the imagination.” - - - - -II.--THE MUSICAL TABLEAUX - -Some people have been heard to affirm that there is too much music -going on at Broadminster. There may perhaps be some grounds for the -assumption. At any rate, it is certain that of late few concerts -contributed to solely by local talent have paid their expenses. The -opinion seems to be general that when the vocalists can be heard every -day of the week free of charge in the Minster, people are unwilling to -pay three shillings, two shillings, or even (back seats, unreserved) one -shilling for listening to them at a concert. - -Some time ago, however, when the annual Coal Fund was started, it was -absolutely necessary to get up a concert to make a contribution to -this excellent charity; and Lady Birnam undertook the direction of the -affair. - -After consultation with some friends from a distance who were supposed -to have sounded all the depths of schemes for the relief of “deserving -objects,” she came to the conclusion that music, illustrated by -_tableaux vivants_, offered the greatest lure to the public. Such a -combination had never been attempted in the town, and its novelty would -make an appeal to the jaded palates of a concert-ridden community. - -The plan of illustrating the music was quite a simple one. Certain -dramatic songs were selected and scenery painted to form a suitable -background for the episode treated in each; an illustrative group was -arranged against such a background, and when the curtain was raised after -the singing of each stanza it was like looking at the pictorial cover of -the song itself. - -For instance, in “The Village Blacksmith” the baritone sang the first -stanza, up went the curtain, and there appeared on the platform a living -picture of the smith, brawny arms and all, in the act of raising a -hammer to strike a very red-hot horseshoe. The next stanza sung was that -which referred to the children looking in on the smithy, and when it was -sung a charming picture was displayed of immaculate children standing -around the door, while the smith neglected his work to pat them on the -hair. The third tableau showed the interior of a church with the -smith in the family pew raising his eyes pathetically as he hears his -daughter's voice in the choir. - -The idea seemed a very pleasing one, and it had the “draw” of novelty -about it. It was found that several good songs lent themselves admirably -to illustration by tableaux, and the young men and maidens were pleased -to have the chance of posing in aid of a deserving charity. It so -happened, however, that Mr. Stamford's mother died only a few days -before the date of the first public performance, so that he was forced -to remove his name from the programme. He was to sing “She wore a Wreath -of Roses,” and the three groups that were arranged for the song were -expected to be among the most effective of the evening. - -Mr. Stamford was very sorry to relinquish his intention of singing, but -he promised the Committee to provide the best substitute possible to -get, and this was a friend of his who occupied a position in a bank at -Mallingham. He promised to communicate with this gentleman and to tell -him what he was to do. He was sure to know “She wore a Wreath of Roses.” - The substitute turned up in good time: there was, of course, no need for -a rehearsal! Mr. Stamford had told him what he was to do, he said, and -he preferred playing his own accompaniment. - -The first two sets of the evening were received with every token of -approval by the audience: the songs were “The Village Blacksmith” - and Pinsuti's “Night Watch”; and then the charming young lady in -mid Victorian dress, and with a wreath of pink roses on her dark hair, -posed on the daïs against a suitable background. The signal was given to -the tenor, who was seated at the piano behind the curtain. He struck a -few chords and began in excellent style. - - “Here a sheer hulk lies poor Tom Bowling.” - -He had actually got to the end of the first stanza before it dawned -upon any responsible person that this was not the “Wreath of Roses,” and -before he could be arrested he had declared that - - “Faithful below he did his du-i-ty, - - And now-ow he's gaw-aw-en aloft.” - -Up went the curtain, revealing a refreshing picture of the pretty girl -in the muslin dress and the pink wreath, and after the usual interval -for applause the curtain fell. Never had the applause been louder: it -caused the members of the Committee who were preparing to strangle the -singer to lose their heads completely, and the singer was well through -the second stanza before they recovered themselves sufficiently to -perceive that it was now too late to do anything, and he went on -complacently to say that - - “Tom never from his word departed----” - -and so on through the simple, pathetic stanza; and then the curtain rose -and showed the charming young lady in white satin among her bridesmaids -at the door of the church, and once again the applause was rapturous. - -“Heavens above! what do the fools mean by applauding?” whispered the -chairman of the Committee. - -“Let them go on if they please,” said some one. “They think that this -is Tom Bowling's bride--his fidelity is rewarded, that's the moral -illustrated. 'Tom never from his word departed'--there you are, you -see. 'His heart was kind and soft,' and the combined virtues have their -reward--_vide tableau._” - -Then those of the Committee who had some sense of humour hastened into -the anteroom to roar with laughter. They were still so engaged when the -curtain rose for the third and last time, showing poor Tom Bowling's -widow in appropriate garments. Having heard three times that Tom had -gone aloft, it would have been ridiculous if any less pathetic scene had -been shown to the audience. - -The decent interval that elapsed before the applause came showed how -deeply affected was the audience. - -But the singer at the piano was pounced upon by the Committee and -prevented from going on with his song. He protested that he had only -sung three verses, and that he was bound to finish it; but the Committee -were firm. Not another note would they let him sing, and he retired -hurt. - -He was questioned in the anteroom as to how on earth he came to sing -“Tom Bowling” when Mr. Stamford must have told him that his song was to -be “She wore a Wreath of Roses.” Did not Mr. Stamford tell him that? he -was asked. - -“Oh yes, he said that; but I wasn't going to sing that foolish, -sentimental rot. Anybody who knows anything about music will agree with -me in thinking that 'Tom Bowling' is worth a dozen of the other, and I'm -supposed to sing 'Tom Bowling' rather well.” - -[Illustration: 0255] - -This was the explanation given by the visitor, and it was commented on -pretty freely by some of the Committee. - -But the consensus of opinion among the audience and the critics was in -favour of the belief that the tableaux illustrating scenes in the life -of Tom Bowling--and his widow--were the most effective of the whole -entertainment. - - - - -III.--THE DRAMA - -It must be obvious to the least experienced that such a community as -may be found in an artistic neighbourhood like Broadminster will -take kindly to amateur theatricals. There are two dramatic clubs in -Broadminster, and their performances are highly appreciated by the -members and their friends. The rivalry between the two is quite -amicable, for one set of amateurs devote themselves to the lighter forms -of the drama and the other to the loftier, and perhaps they might be -called without offence the heavier forms. It may be mentioned that -the former are the more popular, but those persons who attend the -representations of the latter consider themselves the more superior--as -indeed they are; otherwise they would have accorded the tribute of a -sunny smile to a little bit of dialogue, with accompanying action, which -took place in a performance of _King Renes Daughter_ which it was my -privilege to attend. - -At one place the King and the Moorish physician have had a long scene -together, for the physician is certainly inclined to be long-winded. -They go out together, and a couple of the courtiers enter the garden and -express surprise not to find the others waiting for them. One of them -says-- - -“The King is gone, nor can I see the leech.” - -Now, if the amateur had simply said the words, his meaning, I believe, -unless I am over-sanguine, would have been understood. But when, after -shading his eyes with a hand while he gazed into the distance of stately -trees and saying, “The King is gone,” he bent his eyes to the ground and -moved a stone or two about with his toe before adding, “Nor can I see -the leech,” I am inclined to think he puzzled some of his audience. - -I had the curiosity to inquire what was in his mind when he sent his -eyes roaming about the ground while he grubbed with his feet, and I -learned that he thought it would be quite natural for any one searching -for a leech to move the stones about to see if it was concealing itself -in the earth. - -He was evidently under the impression that the wise physician was -habitually followed by a pet leech, or perhaps that he had brought it -with him to try what effect it would have upon the Princess's eyes, and -that it had escaped through a hole in his waistcoat pocket. - - - - -CHAPTER FOURTEEN--THE LIGHTER SIDE OF CLERICAL LIFE - - - - -I.--THE FRANK CANON - -I DO NOT THINK THAT, TAKING THEM all round, the Cathedral dignitaries -of Broadminster can be accused of assuming a greater importance than -is due to their position; but a story is told about a Canon, lately -deceased, which goes far to prove that he at least did not shrink -from putting forward what he believed to be a reasonable claim to -distinction--relative distinction. It is said that he was in the -one bookseller's shop which is still to be found in the town. It was -Saturday evening, when a stranger entered and, after buying a book, -inquired of the proprietor who was the best preacher in the place: he -explained that he was staying over Sunday and was anxious to hear the -best. - -This was too delicate a question for the bookseller (with a clergyman -at his elbow) to answer at a moment's notice; so he thought he would do -well to evade the responsibility by referring the stranger to the Canon. - -“This gentleman is a stranger to the town, sir,” he said, “and he wishes -to know who is the best preacher. I thought that perhaps you, sir----” - -“I hope you will pardon me, sir,” said the stranger. “I am staying here -till Monday, and I ventured to inquire who is the best preacher.” - -“The best preacher, sir?” said the Canon, looking up from the book which -he was sampling. “The best preacher? I am the best preacher, sir: I am -Canon Hillman.” - -The stranger was slightly startled. - -“Thank you very much, sir,” he said quickly. “And who do you consider -the next best?” - -“The next best is my brother, sir, the Reverend Theophilus Hillman.” - -The stranger raised his hat and hurried away. - -This Canon Hillman had a reputation for that sort of frankness suggested -by the story which I have ventured to repeat as it was told to me, and -which I have no difficulty in believing, from the example I had of his -manner several years ago. I was sojourning at an hotel between Nice and -Beaulieu, and he appeared one night at table d'hôte dinner. It was -the custom for the proprietor, who, curiously enough, did not speak or -understand English, though he was a Swiss, to stand at the entrance -to the _salle à manger_, bowing out his guests as they passed into the -spacious lounge after dinner, and in returning his courtesy, people said -a word or two in commendation of his cuisine, to which he responded with -further bows. - -It so happened upon this particular night, however, that one or two -little mistakes had occurred to mar the harmony of the repast as a -whole--they were quite trifles--the _pré salé_ being underdone and -a jelly not having set with that rigidity which is expected in such -comestibles, but which is not always to be found in them. - -While we were filing out of the room I was almost immediately behind -Canon Hillman, and I heard him grumbling to a man who had been at his -table, but who did not seem to sympathise with him; and this went on -until they had reached the bowing proprietor, when the Canon stopped. - -“I wish to tell you, sir, that I have never eaten a worse dinner at any -hotel in my life,” he said. “There was not a dish that any one could -eat--I consider it simply outrageous.” - -Not one word did the man understand, for the Canon had spoken in -English. The proprietor smiled and bowed most placidly, saying--“_Je -vous remercie mille fois, m'sieur--votre compliment est très -distingué--très gracieux; je suis heureux--merci!_” - -He had too hastily assumed that the clergyman had offered him the usual -congratulations upon his cuisine, and he had replied with more than his -customary politeness, the visitor having shown himself to be much more -enthusiastic than the ordinary run of people had time to be, considering -that most of them were counting the moments until they should be in the -Casino at Monte Carlo. - -I did not know who the very frank clergyman was at that time; but four -or five years later I recognised him at Broadminster. - -His brother, the second best preacher, assuming the correctness of the -Canon's judgment, though perhaps it might have been reversed on appeal, -was rector of one of the parishes, and it was rumoured that he was -not disposed at any time to take too humble a view of his claims to -distinction, however slow other people might be to admit their validity. -It is said that upon one occasion, on his return from a visit to the -Holy Land, he preached a sermon giving some striking examples of the -fulfilment of prophecy in connection with the topography of Palestine. - -“My dear friends,” he said, “I was particularly struck with the accuracy -of some of the details of the prophecies, when one day I was among the -ruins of one of those cities referred to in the Sacred Writings. I had -the Book in my hand, and I read that the land should be in heaps: I -looked up, and there were heaps on every side. I read that the bittern -should cry there: I looked up, and, lo, a bittern was standing there in -its loneliness. I read that the minister of the Lord should mourn there. -My dear friends, _I was that minister_.” - - - - -II.--THE “CHARPSON” - -The only clergyman in Broadminster who, so far as I have heard, was -fully qualified to take a place in one of the Barchester groups was a -person named Gilliman. He was a small, stout gentleman with a comical -ruddy face and sparse, bristly grizzly hair. He had no benefice, but -was one of those unattached parsons who, in the phrase of the servants' -registry office, was ready to “oblige” either by the day or as locum -tenens for an absent incumbent. He had been left a small competence by -his mother--quite enough for a clerical bachelor to live on, and he was -a bachelor. He never sought for a job, but when he got one he proved -that he held fast to the excellent precept that the labourer is worthy -of his hire. If any brother parson expected that he would take his duty -out of love or zeal, that parson left himself open to disappointment. -I think he would have made a worthy curate to Mr. Quiverful; but Mr. -Quiverful would have felt so chastened in spirit by his proximity that -he would have got rid of him within a month. - -He was a zealous patron of the amateur, whether musical or dramatic. He -could always be depended on to buy one of the cheaper, but never one -of the cheapest, tickets for a concert or a comedy, and he seemed as -pleased with the most incompetent amateur as with the best. He was -socially unambitious; no one seemed to invite him to any function, with -the exception of the Dean's annual garden party: he went to this, and so -did every one else. - -It was not until he had been a resident in Broad-minster for several -years that people found out why he had settled in that town. It might be -supposed that there were enough clergymen here to serve as a reservoir -for all the neighbourhood in an emergency. I once heard an American lady -who was on a cathedral tour through Europe say just outside Santa Croce -on a feast day: “There are priests to burn in Florence if I do my sums -right.” Her slang meant that there was a superfluity of the clergy in -that city, and perhaps she was right. I will not make use of her slang -in referring to Broadminster, but assuredly it might strike anyone that -there was a sufficient number of clerics in the purlieu of the Minster -to meet the needs of the neighbourhood without making the presence of -so accommodating a person as Mr. Gilliman a convenience. In an unguarded -moment, however, he confessed to some one that years ago, when he had -first come to the town, it was his earnest hope to drop into some vacant -stall in the Minster. He had dreams of being appointed to a canonry by -some fortunate combination of circumstances, and he had gone on -waiting for such an accident, and meantime attending all the amateur -performances in the place. - -He was a very good preacher, people said who had heard him, and others -who had not heard him; but few were aware of how he managed to excel in -a direction that seemed just the opposite to the bent of such a man. -The truth was that his father had been a zealous rector of a parish in -Devonshire, and had bequeathed to him a large sackful of sermons that he -had preached to his flock since his ordination; and when the fortunate -legatee was called on “to oblige” for an absent cleric, he simply put -his hand into the mouth of the sack and drew out a sermon, put it into -his pocket, and went away and preached it in due course, dropping it -into his sermon sack on his return. Thus it was that people said he -preached much better than they expected--and he probably did so; but he -could not tell you the next day on what subject he had preached. - -That legacy and his impartial system of dealing with it served him in -good stead; but upon one occasion it might have caused him to feel some -awkwardness if he had not been so completely detached from his duty -in the pulpit. The fact was that he had been called away at a moment's -notice to take the duty for a clergyman who had knocked himself up by -umpiring in a cricket match on a very hot Saturday. He had never been -to the place before, so he had to look up trains and connections, and by -the time he had got out of this maze the train that he had selected was -almost ready to start. He hurried to the faithful sack and pulled out a -fat sermon roll, and rushed away for the station. - -He was lucky in catching the train and the subsequent connections, and -arrived at the church with nearly half an hour to spare. He went through -the service and found himself in the pulpit with his sermon opened on -the cushion in front of him. - -Now it so happened that the discourse which he had drawn in his usual -way from the paternal sack was the valedictory sermon preached by his -father in the church of which he had been rector for forty years, and -there was the son beginning it in a church which he had never seen -before that morning! - -He was quite unconscious of any want of felicity in his choice. He began -the sermon and went through with it, feeling no qualm. He had every -confidence in the orthodoxy of his father; he would never get into a -scrape through preaching what the dear old man had preached years ago. -And so he went onto tell his congregation that more than forty years -had passed since he had first stood before them to preach the Gospel -of Truth, and that every year of that forty he had stood where he was -standing to-day, Sunday after Sunday--that he saw before him aged men -and women whom he had known as young men and maidens--that by the favour -of Heaven he had lived to baptize the offspring of those whom he had -himself baptized in their infancy--yea, unto the third generation he had -come, and now he was standing before them for the last time. The hour -of parting had come, and would any among them say that that hour was not -bitter to them all? - -Well, no one did go so far as to assert that the hour was not bitter to -them all. I was assured that the congregation were bathed in tears, so -affected were they by the thought that the clergyman who had “obliged” - for the day was about to vacate the pulpit for ever. They felt the -blow deeply--much more deeply than the parson seemed to feel it, for he -managed to hold back his tears so long as he was in the pulpit, though -his marvellous powers of self-repression may have deserted him an hour -later, and he may have broken down utterly in the train when making the -return journey; the chances are, however, that he did nothing of the -sort, for he had not the remotest idea what the sermon had been about. - -And the strangest thing of all in connection with this incident is -that the churchwardens expressed themselves as greatly pleased with the -sermon, and one of them referring to it the next day in the hearing of -my informant, said he had never been so affected in his life as he -was under the influence of the sermon, and he hoped that the eloquent -clergyman would be able to preach it again in the near future. - -It is quite likely that his wish was gratified, though I do not think -that any one who had the best interests of the Church at heart would -advocate the adoption of the farewell tours system of the popular actor -or singer by the clergy. It might hurt the susceptibilities of some -members of a congregation to hear a clergyman bid an affecting farewell -to a crowd of people who were complete strangers to him, and the -sincerity of his sorrow might be called in question when they reflected -that an ordinary man can scarcely be broken-hearted at the thought of -never seeing again the faces he had never seen before. But that, of -course, involves the question of how far the susceptibilities of the -weaker brethren should be considered. - -My informant, who was present upon the occasion referred to, was also -a stranger to the place. He was staying with the doctor's family, and, -walking home from the church, the doctor's wife remarked how beautiful -the sermon had been. - -“Your rector bears his age very well,” said her companion. “He does not -look a day over forty, and yet, according to his own account, he must be -at least sixty-five.” - -“Our rector? But that clergyman is not our rector,” said the lady. “Our -rector is ill; the one we had today came to do duty for him. He is a -stranger.” - -“But why, then, should he talk of having baptized half the congregation -and married the other half--of never having been absent from the pulpit -for forty years and more?” asked the man. - -“Oh, you are hypercritical!” cried the lady. “Some latitude should be -allowed to clergymen. He only made use of one of the figures of speech -of the pulpit.” - -It is recorded of the same estimable charpson--if a parson who also -discharges the duties of a squire has been called a squarson, may not -one who goes out like a charwoman by the day be called a charpson?--that -upon one occasion he was asked to do duty for an absent clergyman at a -village in Hampshire, but the contract was for the morning service -only. When he was disrobing in the vestry after preaching the ser mon, -a couple of churchwardens approached him on the subject of the evening -service also. He said that he would be very pleased indeed to take the -evening service, but of course he should have to receive another guinea. -The churchwardens demurred. They said they thought that, as he was on -the spot---- - -He shook his head. - -“I cannot see that that has anything to do with the case,” said the -clergyman. “One service and sermon, one guinea; two services and two -sermons, two guineas.” - -The officials agreed that the article was marked in plain figures; -but still they thought---- Well, would he consent to take the evening -service for another half-guinea? - -After thinking over the proposal, the clergyman consented to do so; and -then one of the wardens suggested that perhaps Mr. Gilliman would not -mind saying just a few words--not a sermon--not a regular sermon, of -course, but just a few words--to the congregation after the evening -service. - -After some further thought Mr. Gilliman said he would have no objection -to say a few words in this way, and the wardens thanked him and handed -him a sovereign, a half-sovereign, a shilling, and a sixpence. They went -so far as to pay him for the evening in advance, to show that they had -unlimited confidence in him. - -On his part he resolved to prove to them that their confidence in him -was not misplaced; so, after reading the evening service, he came to the -front of the altar-rails and said-- - -“Dear brethren, I have been asked to say a few words to you at this time -instead of preaching the customary sermon. What I wish to say to each -and every one of you whom I see assembled before me--and what I think -it is the intention of your churchwardens that I should communicate to -you--is that there will be no sermon in this church to-night. Let us -sing, to the praise and glory of God, the ninety-second Hymn.” - -He easily caught the late train to London, though the evening service -in respect of trains is much more irregular than that at which he had -presided in the church. - -The Reverend Herbert Gilliman, B.A.Oxon, never received preferment; but -some one remarked to me after his death, when touching on his career, -that far less worthy parsons had been appointed to a cure of souls -by the patrons of livings, without the parishioners having any voice -whatever in the matter. - -I agreed with him, and said that I thought they managed these things -better in Scotland, where the candidate minister preached once or twice -to the congregation to allow of their judging of his powers before they -accepted him. - -“Yes,” he assented. “I think that the application of the hire-purchase -system in these matters is highly desirable.” - -“It's not exactly the hire-purchase system,” said a purist in phrases. -“It is more of the 'on sale or return' system of business.” - -“What was in my mind,” said a third, “was a tasting order for spirits in -bond.” - - - - -III.--THE BIBLE CLASS - -I prefaced my repetition of passages in the career of the Reverend -Herbert Gilliman with an expression of my belief that he was the -only cleric in Broadminster who suggested to me one of the slightly -shop-soiled clergymen in Anthony Trollope's Barchester novels. Of the -ladies of the Close or the ladies of the Palace I have never heard of -one who, in the remotest degree, suggested a relationship with Mrs. -Proudie. - -I have heard, however, of the recent appearance of a lady, who is said -to have an intimate acquaintance with the Greek language, at the weekly -meeting of the Bible class, presided over by the Dean, who, it is said, -has also got some knowledge of the same tongue. The Minster Bible class -is one of the most exclusive of lady's clubs. It is understood that no -one is eligible for membership who has not been presented at Court--at -least so some one, who was not a member, affirmed. Another defined it as -a sort of religious Almack's; but it was a man, and a clergyman into the -bargain, who said it was an attempt to run an eighteenth-century French -salon on Church of England lines. - -Without resembling Mrs. Proudie in even the most distant way, the lady -of whom I have heard has succeeded, I am told, in changing the whole -character of the Bible class--all through her knowledge of Greek. -Without being in any way insolent or even self-assertive, she has, I -think I am right in stating, openly differed from the interpretation -put upon certain passages by the Dean himself; and no human being in -Broadminster is recorded to have differed from the Dean on any point -whatsoever. But she was a stranger and apparently unacquainted with the -best traditions of the town; and, moreover, it was the Dean himself -who invited her to join the Bible class. And when she suggests quite -a different interpretation of a text from that advanced by the Dean, -referring him to certain of the newest “readings” as her authority, he -does not seem to be in the least irritated; indeed, on one occasion, -when the question arose as to the exact shade of St. Paul's meaning when -he made use of the particle _ôi_, the Dean was understood to say that he -thought the lady's suggestion well worthy of consideration. - -All the higher orders of the clerical establishment--those who are, so -to speak, “on the strength” of the Chapter--those to whom the great -Lord Shaftesbury would have given, without the reservation of a single -finger, his whole hand to shake--are not, however, so meek as Mr. Dean, -and it is whispered that two or three of them have recently been keeping -the Bible class at a distance, while others, in view of being called -on to preside at one of its meetings, have been seen searching on their -bookshelves for Liddell and Scott and blowing the dust off the edges. - -All the old members of the class are declaring, however, that in future -they will make complete ignorance of Greek an essential to membership. -The very existence of a Bible class assumes ignorance, and no one has -any business to belong to it who is capable of differing from the Dean, -or, at least, who is sufficiently tactless to express such a divergence -of opinion even though she may be sure of her ground. - -Such a show of feeling in this matter goes far to assure Broadminster -that there is no chance of Mrs. Proudie being tolerated in the diocese. - -When I was walking down the principal street of Broadminster--the street -on which the leading silversmith and the leading draper have their -premises--there went past a very high carriage. I hesitate to refer -to it as “well appointed,” this chapter not being one of a novel, and, -besides, I do not quite know what is meant by a well-appointed carriage; -but the vehicle to which I refer was high, its horses were well matched -and good steppers, and the coachman and footman were also a match pair. -The young person with whom I was walking bowed to the occupants of the -carriage--a young cleric and an extremely goodlooking and well-dressed -lady. - -“Nice looking people,” I ventured to remark. “You know them, it would -appear.” - -“Know them? I should think I do know them: he is our curate,” replied my -companion, who was, I may mention, the daughter of a clergyman. - -“The Church is looking up when curates sit behind high-stepping bays,” - said I. - -“He is the best curate we ever had,” said she. “He is the most obliging -man ever known. He never grumbles at having to take both services some -Sundays and to preach as well--a splendid preacher, too--never longer -than a quarter of an hour.” - -“Anything else?” I inquired. - -“Yes,” she said slowly and with something of awe in her voice. “He is a -one bisquer at croquet!” - -I tried to catch sight of the carriage and its bays, but it must have -been a mile away by this time. - -“And he does all that out of the hundred and fifty pounds a year your -father pays him?” - -“He does indeed, eked out by the five thousand a year his father left -him: his father was Sir Edmund Bonnewell, the great contractor. You have -heard of him?” - -I had. - - - - -IV.--THE ENCYCLOPÆDIC PARSON - -It is impossible that every one should be fully informed on all points -even in so enlightened a community as Broadminster; but there is one -clergyman who has a reputation for being the most artful fisherman in -the Close, and of being always able to answer any question that may -be put to him by the most casual inquirer. I heard him discussing the -origin of a fire that had taken place in the town a few days before, -and, as is usual in these days, it was said to have been due to a short -circuit in the electric wires. - -“I have often wondered what a short circuit is,” said a lady. “Can you -tell me what it is, Mr. Tomlinson?” - -“A short circuit? Oh, it's very simple,” said the fully informed parson. -“A short circuit is when--when--oh yes, when it is only a very short way -from the electric lamp to where the wire is joined on to the cable.” - -“And that causes the fire?” she asked. - -“Oh, of course--it is bound to, sooner or later.” - -“I wonder why they don't make it longer then.” - -“Oh, that's the way they scamp everything nowadays.” - -Only a few days had passed before I heard him telling another lady of -the good luck that had attended the pottering about bookstalls indulged -in by a brother parson in a neighbouring town. - -“He wrote to me a few days ago, to tell me that he had picked up a -genuine 'Breeches' Bible for sixpence,” he said; “and only a short time -before he bought a fine Aldine for fourpence. What luck!” - -“Extraordinary,” said the lady. “I'm afraid that I forget what a -'Breeches' Bible is, Mr. Tomlinson.” He laughed good-naturedly. - -“Pray, what is a 'Breeches' Bible?” she asked coaxingly. - -He was quite ready for her. - -“A 'Breeches' Bible?” he cried. “Oh, a 'Breeches' Bible is the one -that was carried by Cromwell's troopers in their pockets; it was made -specially for carrying about--small, you know, and compact. I remember -reading that several of the soldiers had their lives saved owing to the -bullets having lodged in the volume in their breeches pocket.” - -“Not really?” said the lady. “How very interesting! I do believe that I -heard something like that having happened, I forget where.” - -I wondered if the Reverend Mr. Tomlinson was not, after all, something -of a humourist--if he was not engaged in that delicate dynamic operation -known as “pulling her leg.” I had good reason to know some time -afterwards, however, that there was no foundation for my suspicion in -this direction. He spoke what he imagined must be true, and he was too -lazy to verify his own conclusions. - -When the lady asked him-- - -“And what might be the real value of one of those Bibles?” he replied-- - -“Anything from a thousand pounds up. I believe that one was bought by an -American a short time ago for over four thousand pounds.” - -“What! Not really? A thousand pounds?” she cried. “Will you kindly -give me his address? I must write to him for a subscription for our new -bells.” - -“For goodness' sake don't tell him that you heard of his good luck from -me,” cried Mr. Tomlinson. - - - - -V.--THE ALMONERS - - -[Illustration: 0281] - -The recognised Church charities of Broadminster are numerous and -constantly increasing. To be connected in some way with a charitable -organisation seems to offer an irresistible attraction to some people, -chiefly ladies; and every now and again a new lady starts up in Church -circles with a new scheme of compelling people to accept alms or the -equivalent, or of increasing the usefulness of the Church. The amount of -time these masterful persons expend in reading papers embodying the -most appalling of platitudes of sentiment, and betraying even a more -astounding ignorance of political economy than a Chancellor of the -Exchequer has ever revealed in a Budget speech, is astounding. All these -papers, so far as I can gather, assume that only what their patrons call -“the lower classes” stand in need of the reforms they suggest. They take -it for granted that a cottage-mother, who has had perhaps thirty years' -experience of making a pound a week do duty for twenty-five shillings, -stands in need of instruction at the hands of a mansion-mother who -cannot keep out of debt with an income of a thousand a year. - -If I were a person in authority with a voice in framing the conditions -which must be conformed with by all ladies who put themselves forward in -the advocacy of some of these great social schemes, I would decree that -no lady who uses a tortoiseshell lorgnette with a long handle should -be permitted to read a paper, or to receive the _laissez-passer_ of any -organisation to a house the valuation of which is less than twenty-five -pounds a year. As a medium of insulting patronage, nothing that has -ever been invented approaches in power this particular weapon in the -well-gloved hands of a well-furred, middle-aged lady who studies with -some reason all advertisements addressed to those with a tendency -to stoutness. (I have gone a long way about to avoid hurting the -susceptibilities of any one.) - -Only once did I see an attack with this weapon successfully repulsed. -There was an extremely pretty girl in the centre of the drawing-room, -when a couple of those ladies whose existence I have hinted at entered -and immediately began a frontal attack through the glazed tortoiseshell -with the long handles, and the little forced smiles that accompanied the -movement showed them to be old campaigners. They brought the pretty -girl into focus, conning her from head to foot and exchanging whispered -comments upon the result of their scrutiny. The girl saw them, and, to -paraphrase the poet, they “by tact of trade were well aware that that -girl knew they were looking at her”; but that fact had no effect upon -them. They continued their scrutiny and their whisperings, and I saw the -girl's face become rosy. But then I saw that she was “limbering up” and -would go into action in a moment. - -She did. She was talking to an elder lady, who might have been her -mother, and the latter had one of the same long-handled glasses lying on -her muff. In an instant the girl had possessed herself of it, slipped -it off its swivel, and was using it precisely as the others were using -theirs, only returning their fire, so to speak. Then she whispered -something over her hand to her companion, who laughed outright. That was -enough for the attacking force: their battery was silenced; but the girl -refused to withdraw, and for quite five minutes, I think, they were well -aware that her eyes were upon them. Wherever they went they felt that -they were still within her range, and that her innocent smile was -playing about them. I never saw two more uneasy ladies in my life, and I -trust that they learned their lesson. - -The most singular point in this connection is that the girl was known -to her friends as shy and retiring by nature--a less self-assertive -girl could not be imagined. It seems to me that there is a lesson to be -learned from this fact in addition to that which it is to be hoped she -taught her elders, who certainly did not possess her shyness: it is -the lesson of the rousing of a feminine instinct of defence, which is -exhibited in another form when the defence is that of offspring. Even -the most timid feminine thing will act in direct opposition to its -reputed nature when called on to defend its young; and even the most -retiring girl may assume an offensive attitude under the provocation of -poised tortoiseshell and elevated eyebrows. - -But I am pretty sure that that nice girl, when she went home and was -alone in her room, sang no song of Miriam as she recalled her triumph. -No, if she did not shed some tears at the thought of how she had behaved -in so unaccountable away, I am greatly mistaken. - -The comedy of the administration of charity has yet to be written; but -when such a work is taken in hand I trust that a chapter will be devoted -to the self-denying industry of the Misses Gifford. These two elderly -ladies are the daughters of a deceased jerry-builder, and they enjoy a -large income, the greater portion of which is derived from insanitary -house property; and they are devoted to good works, including the -amelioration of the condition of the poor. Every year they issue -invitations to a show of their good works at their own house, and these -are found to take the form of coarsely knitted woollen socks, thick -mufflers made of the cheapest materials, petticoats constructed out of -blankets that have been consigned to the rag-basket, and aprons out -of tablecloths that have been rescued from the dustbin. Some of -the articles of clothing seem to represent in themselves the -heterogeneousness of a jumble sale, and all are cheap, shoddy, and -shapeless. And yet this pair of feminine philanthropists show all comers -round the room where they are exhibited with sparkling eyes and faces -glowing with proper pride at the result of their industry. They worry -the local newspapers for a paragraph that shall make all the world -acquainted with their benevolence, and now and again their importunity -is rewarded. - -What becomes of the conglomeration of horrors which they create in the -name of charity no one seems to know; but it is impossible to imagine -any self-respecting family so far forgetting what is due to themselves -as to wear such things. For themselves, it is well known that the Misses -Gifford never forget what is due to them, or to insist on its payment on -the day that it becomes due. They have a brother who, without being an -active philanthropist, is well worthy of them. He collects the rents -from their insanitary tenements, and he does so with a ruthless hand. -There is no measure of bluff or bluster of which he is not a master. But -there are scores of people in their own town who see the dear old -maiden ladies in church and say that they remind them of _Cranford_ and -_Quality Street!_ - -But knowing as I did a good deal about them, I was reminded more of an -earlier work still in which the devourers of widows' houses were said to -be Pharisees as well. Such a pair of feminine Pharisees as those whom I -call the Misses Gifford--Gifford is not, of course, their real name--are -hardly to be found outside their own town. - - - - -CHAPTER FIFTEEN--THE CROQUET LAWNS - - - - -I.--A CONGENIAL PURSUIT - -NO MENTION OF BURFORD WOULD BE complete unless two-thirds of -the account were given over to its croquet ground and its croquet -practitioners. - -An exhaustive, or even a perfunctory, reference to sport is out of place -in any description of the lighter side of life in the provinces, for -people in all levels of life take their games very seriously, and -croquet, as played nowadays, is the most serious of pursuits. Clergymen -who practise it habitually seek for relaxation from the strain its -seriousness imposes on them in the pages of the Fathers. It is a matter -of common knowledge that a clergyman in charge of a parish in Burford -invariably writes out his sermons during the three-ball breaks of his -opponents. It is supposed to be _de rigueur_ for a player who has -let his, or her, opponent 'in' to take no interest whatever in that -opponent's strokes when making a break. It is supposed that if you pay -any attention to your opponent's play you may put him, or her, off; and -so scrupulous are some players lest they should put an antagonist off, -they occasionally stroll off the court and return with a bored look only -when they are sent for. But the chivalry of the habitual croquet players -really knows no bounds. Another of their characteristics is absolutely -quixotic. It takes the form of walking off the court as if the game were -already finished when an opponent has yet to make three or four hoops -before pegging-out; the object of such a move being, of course, to give -an opponent more confidence at a critical moment. - -It is a doubtful point, however, and I have never heard it decided by -a referee, if this object is likely to be effected by a losing player -breaking the handle of her mallet across her knee when she has failed -to shoot in; though one cannot doubt that only a spirit of self-denial -actuates such a player as makes a point of placing in the form of -pennies on a chair, at the opposite side of the court from where she -sits, the bisques to which her opponent is entitled, thus putting -herself to the trouble of walking across, interrupting her opponent's -play when the latter had taken a bisque, in order to remove one of the -pennies. - -The people who sneer at croquet are those who have no knowledge of the -game as played nowadays on such courts as there are at Broadminster. -There is no more scientific game, nor is there one that demands a more -unerring judgment, a steadier hand, or a clearer eye. - -Croquet seems to be the ideal game for the freak, the cripple, or the -aged. One of the best players in the neighbourhood is the chaplain to a -lunatic asylum. He has a large amount of practice. - -During the past few years the champion lawns have been invaded by -schoolboys and schoolgirls, with the result that some of the best prizes -have been carried off by them. - -I cannot imagine a more melancholy sight than that of half a dozen -healthy boys, who should be at cricket or lawn-tennis, solemnly and -slowly knocking the balls through the hoops and stolidly going through -the operations of “peeling,” “laying up,” “wiring,” and the like. - - - - -II.--THE PLAYERS - -But even croquet has its lighter moments. I witnessed a match some -time ago between a well-set-up cavalry officer (retired with the rank -of Major-General) and a cub of a lad--a slouching, hulking fellow whose -gait showed that he had never had a day's athletic training. The boy won -and went grinning off the lawns. His mother received him with grins, and -the General walked away in the direction of the river. It occurred to me -that people should keep an eye upon him. But he did not even fling his -mallet into the stream. - -He turned up a little later at another court, and this time he was -victorious. - -But against whom? - -Against a stout elderly lady crippled with rheumatism; and he just -managed to beat her through making a lucky shot! - -It seems to me to be marvellous that, with the possibilities of such -humiliation before players, any except the decrepit should be found -willing to take part in tournaments. - -There can be no doubt, however, as to the absorbing power of croquet -upon certain temperaments. I have met an elderly lady of Early Victorian -proportions who, I am positive, can recollect the details of every match -she has ever played. If she were not able to do so she would sometimes -be compelled to sit in silence, for to her conversation means nothing -beyond a recapitulation of her croquet games. Try her as you may upon -other topics, it is no use. She seems intensely bored if you touch upon -the theatre, and to music and the other arts she is rather more than -indifferent. Indifference might be represented as “scratch,” but her -attitude can only be represented by a minus sign. On art she should be a --3, on music a -6, and on literature a -20. These are her handicaps, so -far as I am capable of judging. - -She is the terror of the managers of tournaments, such a hole-and-corner -game as she plays. She never leaves anything to chance: she invariably -sends herself into a corner. Her most dashing game occupies four hours. -It is said that she has strong views on the subject of assimilating the -game of croquet with the game of cricket in regard to the duration of -a match. If it takes three days to play a cricket match, why should not -the same limits be extended to a croquet match? she wishes to know. The -reply that is suggested by the people with whom she has played is that -even at a three-day match she would complain bitterly that she -was hustled by the managers. At present her life seems a perpetual -complaint. During the season she grumbles her way from tournament to -tournament; and when she seats herself by the side of an unwary person -to watch a match, even though it is a final for the cup, she immediately -begins to describe one of her games--it may be one that took place five -years before--and keeps on giving detail after detail of trivialities, -with a complete disregard of the excitements of the court where she is -sitting and the applause of the crowd at some brilliant play--on she -rumbles, unless her unwilling confidant rises and flies for covert. It -takes her even longer to describe one of her games than it does to -play it. Her latest complaint is that croquet players are becoming very -unsociable, the basis of her charge being that when she approaches a -court to sit down and watch a game, the people on the chairs whom she -knows quite well get up and go away. She does not believe that in every -case they do so, as was suggested, to give her a choice of chairs. - -She thinks that those should remain whom she has known for some years. -It does not appear ever to have occurred to her that they get up and fly -because they have known her for some years. - -Another _devotée_ has become so absorbed in her cult as to become upon -occasions an embarrassment to her relations. Of course no one makes any -remark upon a player thinking of nothing besides croquet: it is assumed -that a lady who means to become a player will not waste time thinking -about anything else. - - “Man's croquet is of man's life a thing apart. - - 'Tis woman's sole existence.” - -That is acknowledged as only reasonable; but it must sometimes be -embarrassing to the relations of this lady when at a dinner party she -refuses an offered entrée on the ground that she is wired, or when -she checks a neighbour for taking a meringue because he or she has -previously been playing with the green. It appears quite feasible to -me, however, that the green of the salad and the white of the meringue -should suggest to a thoughtful croquet player the need for such a -caution as is attributed to her on good authority; nor do I think it so -very unreasonable that on allowing herself to be carried on a 'bus beyond -her destination, through thinking out a croquet problem, she should, -on being informed by the conductor that the vehicle went no farther, -say--“What a fool I was not to take a bisque sooner!” - -It is said that this same lady caused a considerable flutter in a -railway carriage one day when she was working out another croquet -problem, and was heard to mutter--“Shall I shoot now?” - -Any time I chanced to look in at a croquet tournament on the beautiful -lawns at Broadminster I came away with a laugh, and upon more than -one occasion I found that the laugh was against myself. Long ago I was -accustomed to look with a pathetic interest at the reappearance year -after year of the beautiful mother of a beautiful daughter at the -tournament. Surely, I thought, there could not be a more pathetic sight -than that of a mother with a picturesque home and a husband, setting -out from both, early in the month of June, when the rosery is becoming -a paradise of blossom, and travelling from country town to country town -and from one hotel to another, without intermission until October, for -the sake of being by the side of a daughter who has given up her life to -the game. - -The laugh came in when I found that the mother was more devoted to -looking on at croquet than the girl was to playing the game! The -pathetic figure was really the daughter, who was acting as companion -to her mother to enable her with propriety to gratify her passion for -watching people play croquet. The daughter complained a little at -first, but now she says she has come to see that she should be unselfish -and sink her own inclinations so that her mother may have some innocent -enjoyment. - -She looks very carefully after her mother, and is even able sometimes to -exchange a few words with her at intervals during the day's play. - -Since I found this out I have never allowed myself to be carried away -in pity for one who elects to play the part of onlooker at a game of -croquet. People who spend their time looking on at croquet are deserving -of no pity. - -I have been told that when hospitality is offered to some of the -visitors by people in Broadminster during the tournament week, it is -now not invariably accepted without caution and preliminary inquiry. A -bitter story was imparted to me by a man who had been kindly invited -by one of the inhabitants to stay at his house for the croquet week. My -friend gratefully accepted, and as the whole of the local family were -players, he was brought up to their villa after the first day's play. -He found the house a charming one of its class, and he thought himself -lucky in his billet. Dinner was served, and then the little rift within -the hospitable lute was suggested: there was no wine offered to him! The -hissing of syphons round the table gave expression to his views on the -subject of such hospitality; but what could he say in reply to his host -when the latter turned to him, remarking quite pleasantly--“This is a -teetotal household: no strong drink of any kind is allowed to enter it. -Will you have soda water or Appolinaris?” - -Of course there was nothing to be said by a guest on the subject; but -his host, like so many people professing his principles, had a good deal -to say respecting the virtue of teetotalism. But so far as I was able -to gather from the tone of his narrative, he did not obtain the cordial -concurrence of his guest in all his views; for his guest was in the -habit of taking half a bottle of claret at his dinner every day of his -life and at least one glass of sound port afterwards, and for twenty -years he had not gone to bed without wrapping himself round a tumbler -of grog at the eleventh hour, and he did not find that an exordium on -teetotalism went far to compensate him for the absent decanters. He -was ready to greet the discourse with hisses; but the syphons were -accommodating: they did their own hissing. - -He went to bed in a very bad humour. - -In the morning, however, after family prayers, his host said to him-- - -“I thought I detected an unsatisfied look on your face as you entered -the room, my friend. I think I know the reason of it. I dare say you -have been accustomed to something which you failed to find on the table -in your room. I am sure of it. I have inquired, and I am very sorry for -the omission. But make your mind easy; look on your table to-night, and -I think you will be satisfied.” - -This was not so bad, the visitor thought; though not everything, still a -whisky and soda going to bed was better than nothing. - -He had his customary claret at his lunch in the pavilion that day, so -he did not mind the sibilant but unsatisfying syphons at dinner. But he -felt tired that night, he said, and went oft early to bed. - -Switching on the light, he hurried to the table for the promised treat. - -He found that the table bore nothing except a large Bible, bound in -leather! - - - - -CHAPTER SIXTEEN--ART & THE ARTFUL IN THE PROVINCES - - - - -I.--THE ARTISTIC OUTLOOK - -A GOOD MANY PEOPLE ARE OF THE opinion that Art and the appreciation -of Art are making considerable progress in this country, but others are -inclined to be despondent on this subject; and among the most despondent -is an estimable clergyman of a parish some miles from Broadminster. -He told me that he was confirmed in his pessimism by observing the -popularity of the imitation half-timbered, red-brick cottages which -country architects are running up by the hundred in every direction. -“The foundation of all true Art is Truth,” he said, “and yet we are -confronted daily with all the falsehood of creosoted laths curving about -ridiculous gables in imitation of the old oak timbering. People hold up -their hands in horror at the recollection of the outside stucco of the -early Victorians; but where is the difference between the immorality of -pretending that bricks are stone and of pretending that creosoted laths -are old timbers?” - -Of course he had many other instances of the inefficiency of the Schools -of Art to fulfil the object of their establishment: there was the villa -fireplace, for example, suggesting that its delicate ornamentation was -of the fine paste of Robert Adam, when it was simply a horrible thing of -cast iron; and what about the prevailing fashion in ladies' dress?... - -It was time, he thought, that steps were taken by men of genuine -artistic feeling to put people on the right track in regard to Art -in daily life; and he expressed to me in confidence the belief that a -change could best be brought about by an appeal to the sense of beauty -inherent in womankind. He begged the co-operation of one of the Minor -Canons at the Cathedral at Broadminster, who had achieved fame on -account of his artistic tendencies, and this gentleman consented to -deliver an address at a specially convened mothers' meeting in the -parish-room of the reformer. - -He kept his promise, as every one knew he would. He delivered an address -on “The Influence of Cimabue on the later works of Donatello” in the -presence of forty-two matrons, nearly all of whom could both read -and write; and it was understood that he proved up to the hilt every -statement that he made, and any of his audience who may have had some -doubt as to the part that Cimabue played in the development of the -genius of Donatello must have left the hall feeling that they could no -longer hesitate in accepting the relative position of the two artists as -defined by the lecturer. - -[Illustration: 0307] - -The next address is, I hear, to be made on the subject of “The -Cinquecento and its Sequel.” - -That is the way to popularise Art in the country districts. When once -the wives and mothers of the farm labourers and the shepherds of the -Downs are brought to understand the importance of taking a right view of -Cimabue and the Cinquecento, then Art will become a living thing in this -country--perhaps even sooner: who can tell? - -Equally practical was the response made by a wealthy gentleman who -has recently settled near Brindlington to the appeal of the parson -to contribute something to the loan collection with which he hoped to -second the efforts of the Minor Canon to stimulate an appreciation -of good art in his parish. In charge of a traction-engine of large -horse-power there was brought in a stone-mason's lorry to the door of -the hall a full-size powerful group by Monsieur Rodin, representing an -episode in the life of the most flagrantly humorous faun that ever grew, -or half-grew, out of a rock under the rough-hewing chisel of the great -French artist. At first one did not know that one was looking at a -piece of sculpture--one seemed to be looking into a stone quarry. But -gradually the idea revealed itself, and then one rather wished that it -hadn't. The faun was not one of Nature's gentlemen: you could see that -at once; but after a while, with good luck, you became aware of the fact -that there was a nymph, or what looked like a nymph, scattered about the -quarry--yes, you could see it quite distinctly from certain standpoints, -and when you did you rather hoped that you had been mistaken. It was -a masterpiece that “Group by M. Rodin.” It might have been taken for a -freak of Nature herself--one of those fantastic rocks which are supposed -to suggest the head of the first Napoleon or perhaps the Duke of -Wellington wearing his cocked hat, or it may be a huge lizard or, if -properly humped, a kneeling camel. But whatever it was, there stood the -stone quarry brought to the very doors of the hall wherein were “loaned” - all the objects of Art contributed by the less ambitious collectors of -the neighbourhood, and within were six stalwart men preparing to rig up -on a tripod of fifteen-feet ash poles each as thick as a stout tree, a -tackle of chains and pulleys for shifting the thing from the truck to -the rollers by which it was to be coaxed into the building. - -They did not get it beyond the porch. The tiled pavement crumbled -beneath it like glass, and the caretaker of the building was doubtful -about the stability of the floor within. In the porch it remained until -the parson's wife, who had heard the noise of the traction-engine and -felt sure that something was going on, arrived upon the scene. - -She took a glance at the landscape within the porch, and then ordered a -dust-sheet. - -Of course the “Group by M. Rodin” was worth more than all the loans -within the building; but it was not everybody's group. It remained in -the friendly obscurity of the dust-sheet except when some visitor with -inquisitive tendencies begged for a glimpse of it. Then the parson, -averting his eyes, lifted up a corner of the dust-sheet, and remarked -that he was sure that the work would be a noble one when the great -sculptor should have cut away all the superfluous stone that lay in -great masses about the figures; but even in its unfinished condition -anyone could see that it could not weigh much under five or six tons. - -I fancy that the gentleman who had contributed this loan was more of a -humorist than the parson had suspected. - -What I think is the most disappointing feature in connection with the -development of Art in the provinces is the lack of interest shown -in certain districts in the local productions. The producers are not -without honour save in their own county. Of course, if it became a -question of saving money, there would be patrons enough of local art; -but unhappily the possible patrons are incapable of estimating correctly -the money value of such things, and they prefer to give five pounds for -a picture by an artist a distance than two for one by a local man, -even though they might be assured by some one capable of pronouncing an -opinion that the cheaper work was the better. - -A few years ago I was made aware of a curious example of this -characteristic of some places. It occurred to an enterprising -printseller at Broadminster that a spring exhibition of works in black -and white might attract attention and enable him to do some business; -and with the co-operation of some of the London publishers he managed to -get together over two hundred capital examples of modern work, including -some proof etchings by Le Rat, David Law, Frank Short, Legros, -and others. A local lady, who was understood to be a liberal and -well-informed patroness of Art in various forms, visited the exhibition -and was greatly attracted by an etching of a spring landscape. Finding -the price moderate, she bought it and carried it home with her in -her brougham. A week later, however, she returned with it to the -printseller. - -“Is it true that the Cuthbert Tremaine who did this is only a local -man?” she inquired. - -The printseller assured her that she was quite right: Cuthbert -Tremaine's people belonged to the town, and he had been educated at the -Grammar School and the School of Art. - -“Do you think it was quite fair of you to hang that from such a person -among the etchings that co-exibit here?” she asked. - -“He was quite able to hold his own among the best of them,” said the -printseller. “He's coming well to the front, I assure you.” - -“I don't think that it is at all fair to your customers to try and foist -off upon them the work of a local man,” said the lady severely. “An -ordinary local man! I wonder very much at your doing such a thing. I -have brought the etching back to you, and you must change it for me. -You really should have told me that Cuthbert Tremaine was nothing but a -local man.” - -So much for the encouragement of local talent in our county. - -Quite recently a more striking instance of this peculiarity was offered -us in a neighbouring town. A local artist held a sale exhibition of -water-colour drawings of scenes within a radius of six miles. There were -perhaps thirty of these, and every one of them was good, and every one -of them was pleasing. There was no suggestion of slovenliness about any, -nor was there a hint of an amateur. They were not the sort of drawings -that might be referred to as “highly creditable”--nobody wants to -possess “highly creditable” things: they must have positive merit, -without taking into consideration the conditions under which they are -done, before any one who knows something about art would wish to possess -them; and the watercolours in this exhibition could certainly claim to -be in this light. - -Well, cards of invitation were sent to some hundreds of possible buyers, -and were heartily responded to, for free exhibitions are very popular -in our neighbourhood, especially those that take the form of a -demonstration of a new breakfast cereal (with samples gratis). But in -the matter of sales the response was not quite so hearty as it might -have been. The artist did not clear five pounds during the fortnight -that his exhibition remained open. - -A month or two later, however, a stranger exhibited a collection of his -drawings in the same town, and although they were infinitely inferior -in almost every way to those of the local man, they found quite a -satisfactory number of purchasers, notwithstanding the fact that there -was not a drawing that was not priced at more than double the sum asked -by the local artist for his sketches. - - - - -II.--ART AND THE SHERIFF - -But before the end of the summer an opportunity was given to -connoisseurs in the same town to acquire, at the expenditure of a few -pounds, a collection of pictures that would do credit to any private -gallery in the kingdom. Announcements appeared placarded on every -dead wall that “by order of the Sheriff” a magnificent collection of -paintings by Turner, Reynolds, Gainsborough, Lawrence, George Morland, -David Cox, and numerous other Masters, as well as drawings by Birket -Foster, Keeley Hallswelle, George Cattermole, and a host of others. -Being a Sheriff's sale this superb collection was to be disposed of -without reserve, and the pictures were to be on view in the spacious -commercial-room of an hotel. - -People flocked to the place where these treasures were hung, and as a -knowledge of pictures is born with most people, they were not slow -to appreciate the fact that at last a chance had come to acquire at a -merely nominal cost pictures by artists of world-wide fame. Most persons -had read of the enormous prices brought by some prints after pictures by -George Morland, but here were the actual pictures themselves in frames -of the finest Dutch metal: no frames protected the high-priced prints -in Christie's! And not merely was Morland highly represented here, but -quite half a dozen exquisite _genre_ pictures by Josef Israels were to -be seen in a row, and it was whispered among the cognoscenti that this -painter had just died and the _Studio_ had contained an eulogistic -article, with illustrations, on his work! Another chance! Of course -Sidney Cooper's “Cows in Canterbury Meadows” spoke for itself. Every -tyro knew that no one could ever paint cattle like Sidney Cooper. And -Birket Foster--no one could ever approach Birket Foster in showing -children swinging on a gate. There was the gate, sure enough, and the -children, and the pet lamb--all the genuine Birket Foster properties. -And “by order of the Sheriff.” - -It was a treat to see the _cognoscenti_ examining the pictures, -subjecting individual works to the severest tests of light and -magnifying glasses, and then whispering gravely together in corners on -the subject of their merits. Some of them had pencils, which they -had pressed to their lips while they scrutinised the masterpieces, -preparatory to making notes on their catalogues--all just like a London -picture sale in King Street, St. James's Street, London, W. - -And then some fool came into the room and laughed. He was a man who -pretended to know a lot about pictures, and he was usually disposed to -question the authenticity of things in the possession of everybody but -himself. He glanced around the walls and went away, still laughing, -after being in the place no longer than three minutes. - -That was a trick on his part, the _cognoscenti_ said. He wished to put -them off buying and so make a haul for himself. - -They were confirmed in this belief when the one dealer in the town told -a gentleman, who had come to him with a commission to purchase some of -the pictures, that the man had just been to caution him against buying -any of them on his own account. - -“He said that they are being hawked round from town to town, and that -they are really all fakes--that there is not a genuine picture among the -lot, and that the Sheriff's sale is not a _bona fide_ one, but one of -the oldest tricks of picture fakers.” - -But the knowing person said to the dealer--“Does he mean to say that in -a town like this any man would dare to put 'by order of the Sheriff' at -the top of the bill if it was not _bona fide?_He would pretty soon find -himself in trouble. You attend the auction and bid for the numbers that -I have marked in the catalogue.” - -The auction came off and was largely attended by the public, but, -strange to say, by not a single outside dealer, only by the local one -who had received many commissions. And a fortnight before an ordinary -sale at a private house in the town, at which half a dozen pictures by -fourth-class artists, and some only “attributed to” these artists, drew -dealers from places fifty and sixty miles away! - -It seemed pretty clear that the Sheriff had not taken a great deal of -trouble to advertise this particular sale--he could not have given it -his personal attention, or perhaps he had never before had a chance of -handling the “fine arts” on so opulent a scale, or the dealers would -certainly not have missed the chance of their lives. - -However this may be, the pictures were bought by the dozen, as much as -six pounds being given for each of the Israels, and a pair of Birket -Foster's fetching ten, frames included in all cases. There was a keen -struggle for the Turner, and it was run up to nine pounds--not by -any means too much for a Turner as things go nowadays. Altogether, -I suppose, about fifty pictures were sold. At the evening sale the -auctioneer announced that a sufficient number had been disposed of to -satisfy the Sheriffs claim, but that a gentleman in the trade had bought -the remainder _en bloc_, and instructed him to put them all up for sale -to the highest bidder; and he would have great pleasure in carrying out -his instructions. On went the bidding down to the last lot, and so -ended a memorable picture sale--probably the last of the kind to be -perpetrated in England, for within a fortnight the gentlemen under whose -direction the enterprise had been carried on from place to place for -several years were arrested, tried, and convicted of perjury in making -an affidavit with intent to deceive the Sheriff of some county and cause -him to issue his writ for the sale of their bogus pictures. Fifteen -months' imprisonment was certainly not too long a sentence for these -practitioners; though really one can have but little sympathy for people -who are such fools as to expect to buy pictures, with a name value of -thousands of pounds, for a few shillings. - -But for several weeks after the sale the fortunate purchasers of the -bogus masterpieces lost no opportunity of exhibiting their treasures. -Teas and At Homes were given to enable their less alert friends to. -appreciate their varied charms, for it was understood in the town that -the educational value of great works of art should not be neglected; -and at the Mayor's Reception a short time afterwards two of the pictures -were exhibited, for the educational benefit of the company, in their -original Dutch-metal frames--the sort that one may buy for half a -crown in a cash chemist's. In these days the man who had laughed at the -private view was referred to in accents of scorn. But he continued to -laugh, even when in the most kindly spirit he was advised by one of -the successful bidders to remember that it was distinctly slanderous to -suggest that a sale conducted under the auspices of the Sheriff of the -county was a bogus affair. Then it was that the critic laughed loudest; -and, so far as I can gather, he is laughing still. - -One interesting point was brought out at the trial of the men. It was in -respect of the actual manufacturer's price of the fraudulent pictures. -The artist who had executed them was put into the box and stated that -he received from five to fifteen shillings for each. The average trade -price of a George Morland worked out at a fraction over seven shillings, -so that to refer to these works as valueless would be wrong: those -purchasers who were fortunate enough to secure good specimens of George -Morland at the sale have the satisfaction of dwelling upon their varied -beauties and reflecting that the actual value of each work is in the -bogus market something between seven shillings and seven and twopence! -(The “Sheriffs Sale” price of a Morland was six pounds.) - - - - -III.--THE COUNTRY PICTURE SALE - -I was once present at a picture sale in a mansion some miles from a -country town in which I lived. There were, I think, three full-length -Gainsboroughs, five Reynoldses, a few Hoppners, two by Peters, and -three or four by Northcote. I was standing in front of a man by the -first-named painter, and was lost in admiration of the firm way in which -the figure was placed on the floor in the picture, when a local dealer -approached me, saying-- - -“Might I have a word with you, sir?” - -Of course I told him to talk away. I knew the man very well. He was one -of those useful dealers of the variety known as “general,” from whom one -may occasionally buy a Spode plate worth ten shillings for three, or an -odd ormolu mount for sixpence. - -“We want to know if you believe these to be genuine pictures, sir,” said -he. - -“Genuine pictures!” I repeated, being rather puzzled to know just what -he meant; but then I remembered that he was accustomed to attend sales -where pictures labelled “Reynolds,” “Gainsborough,” “Murillo,” “Moroni,” - and so forth were sold for whatever they might fetch--usually from -fifteen shillings to a pound, the word “genuine” never being so much as -breathed by anyone. When I recollected this I laughed and said--“Make -your mind easy. If these are not genuine pictures you will never see any -come under the hammer.” - -“And what do you think they will fetch?” he inquired. - -“I could not give you the slightest idea,” I replied; “but if you can -get me that one in front of us for five hundred pounds I'll give you -twenty-five per cent, commission.” - -He was staggered. - -“Five hundred!” he cried. “You must be joking, sir.” - -“I admit it,” said I. “I should have said a thousand.” - -“But really, sir, how far would we be safe to go for them all? There are -four of us here, and we are ready to make a dash for them if we had your -opinion about them.” - -“Look here, my good man,” said I. “You may reckon on my giving you five -hundred pounds for any picture in this room that is knocked down to you. -I'll put that in writing for you if you wish.” - -“It's not necessary, sir,” he repeated. “We'll buy the lot of them for -you for less money.” - -“Do, and I shall be a rich man afterwards,” said I. - -He went away chuckling. - -The next day the auctioneer, who was an Irishman, after disposing of -several lots of ordinary things, reached the pictures. - -“I needn't say anything about them,” he remarked. “They speak for -themselves: I think you'll all agree with me that there's not one of -them that isn't a speaking likeness. What shall we say for this one--No. -137 in the catalogue, “Lady Betty--------,” by Sir Joshua Reynolds? Look -at her, ladies and gentlemen, and tell me if you think there are many -artists in this county who could do anything better than this--all hand -painted, and guaranteed. What shall we say?” - -“A pound,” suggested my dealer quite boldly. The auctioneer turned a -cold eye upon him for a moment, and then I saw that there was a twinkle -on its glossy surface. - -“Very well, sir,” he said. “A pound is bid for the picture--twenty-five -shillings, thirty shillings, thirty-five, two pounds--thank you, sir; -we're getting on--two-ten; I'm obliged to you, ma'am--three pounds -ten--three pounds ten--three pounds ten bid for the portrait of Lady -Betty. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, wouldn't it be a shame if such a -picture was to be knocked down for seventy shillings and it worth nearly -as many pounds. Four pounds--thank you, sir. The bidding is against you, -ma'am. Well, if there's no advance----” - -It was my dealer who had made the last bid, and I must confess that for -some seconds I actually fancied that I was to be placed in possession of -a Reynolds for four pounds! - -[Illustration: 0317] - -“Four pounds--going at four pounds,” came the voice of the auctioneer. -“If there's no advance--going at four pounds--going--for the last -time--five hundred--six hundred--seven hundred--a thousand--fifteen -hundred--two thousand--guineas--five hundred--guineas--three -thousand--guineas--going for three thousand guineas, ladies and -gentle-men, it's giving the picture away that I am; but still the times -are bad. Going at three thousand guineas--going--going--Mr. Agnew.” - -The hammer fell, and everyone was laughing except the Irish auctioneer -and my dealer. - -“Perhaps our dashing friend will give me an advance of thirty shillings -on the next lot--Ralph, first Earl of--------,” said the former, -glancing toward the latter with an insinuating smile. - -The latter forced his way toward the nearest door, leaving Lot 132 to be -started by a London dealer at a thousand pounds. - -My disappointed friend had never been at a great sale in his life, and -he had certainly not suspected that the gentlemen wearing the silk -hats were like himself, dealers--only on perhaps a somewhat more heroic -scale. - - - - -IV.--HUMOURS OF THE ROSTRUM - -The humours of the auction-room deserve to be dealt with more fully -than is in my power to treat them. Though an auctioneer's fun is -sometimes a little forced, its aim being to keep his visitors in a good -temper with him--for he knows that every time that he knocks something -down to one person he hurts the feelings of the runner-up--still, -now and again, something occurs to call for a witty comment, and -occasionally a ludicrous incident may brighten up the monotonous -reiteration of slowly increasing sums of money. I have heard that long -ago most lords of the rostrum were what used to be called “characters,” - and got on the friendliest terms with the people on the floor. But now I -fear that there is no time for such amenities, though I heard one of the -profession say, announcing a new “lot”--“Hallo, what have we here? 'Lot -67--Adams Bed.' Ladies and gentlemen, there's a genuine antiquity for -you--Adam's Bed! I shouldn't wonder if the quilt was worked by Eve -herself, though I believe she was better at aprons.” - -The auctioneer as a rule, however, hurries from lot to lot without -wasting time referring to the charm of any one in particular. I cannot -understand how they avoid doing so sometimes when a beautiful work of -art is brought to the front. - -But in the old days I believe that now and again a trick was resorted -to with a view to arouse the interest of possible purchasers in the -business of the day. I know of such a little comedy being played with -a good deal of spirited action in an auction-room in a large townin the -Midlands. An Irish dealer was in the habit of sending round from time -to time as much stuff as a large furniture van would hold, to be offered -for sale by auction. Of course he placed a reserve on every article, and -if this figure was not reached in one town, he packed up the thing, to -give it a chance in the next; so that within a few weeks he managed to -get rid of a large number of things at quite remunerative prices. It so -happened, however, that he wanted money badly when he reached the -town where he began his operations, and he made a confidant of the -auctioneer, who promised to do his best in regard to the goods. The -articles were consequently displayed in the rooms, and a considerable -number of people assembled before the auctioneer mounted the rostrum. -The bidding was, however, very spiritless, and the first dozen lots were -knocked down to imaginary buyers at imaginary figures; but just when the -thirteenth lot was exhibited there appeared at the farther end of the -room a rather excited figure. - -“Stop the sale,” he cried. “I'm not going to stand passively by while -you give my goods away. I don't mind a reasonable sacrifice, but I'm not -going to submit to such a massacre as has been going on here up to the -present. Stop the sale!” - -“Look you here, Mr. O'Shaughnessy,” said the auctioneer. “Massacre or -no massacre, I received instructions from you to sell your stuff without -reserve, and sell it I will, whatever you may say.” - -“You'll do nothing of the sort, I tell you,” cried the Irishman. “Come -down from that reading-desk and don't continue to make a fool of me. I'm -not going to see my things thrown away. You know what they are worth as -well as I do, and yet you knock them down for a quarter their value!” - -“Now, my good man, if you don't get out of this room I'll have to take -stronger measures with you,” said the auctioneer. “I know that the stuff -is all that you say it is; but that's nothing to me: the highest bidder -will get the best of it, whether he bids to half the value or a quarter -the value for that matter. You are making a fool of yourself, Mr. -O'Shaughnessy, but you won't make a fool of me. I'm here to sell, and -sell I shall. Now sit down or leave the premises.” - -“I'll not sit down. I tell you I'll not----” - -“Porter,” cried the auctioneer, “turn that gentleman out, and if he -won't go quietly call a policeman. You hear?” - -A couple of stalwart porters approached the vendor, saying soothing -words; but he refused to move, and they had to force him to the door. -They did so, however, as tenderly as possible; though he kept on -shouting, as he went reluctantly backward step by step, that the -auctioneer was in a conspiracy to ruin him, allowing his goods to be -taken away for nothing. At last he was in the street and the door was -closed. “Ladies and gentlemen,” said the auctioneer, “I must apologise -for this scene. Such a thing never happened in my mart before, and I -hope it will never happen again. But I know my position, and I've no -intention of breaking faith with the public, whatever that man may do or -say. I hope you'll excuse him; he is really the best judge of antiques -I ever met, but when he gets a drop of drink there's no holding him in. -Now, gentlemen, he'll not disturb us again, and with your leave I'll -proceed with the sale. I'll do my duty by you, and I'll do my duty by -him, whether he has insulted me or not. He maybe an excitable Irishman, -but that's no reason why we shouldn't do our best for him. Fair play, -ladies and gentlemen, fair play to everybody. We must not allow our -prejudices to blind us. You know as well as I do that the stuff is the -finest that has ever come to this town, though the vendor would be safer -in the hands of the police than prowling about as he has been. Now where -were we?--ah, Lot 13--'Chippendale mirror, carved wood, gilt.' There's a -work of art for you. Where did he get hold of such a thing, anyway? What -shall we say for it?” - -The thing started at a figure actually above the reserve price that Mr. -O'Shaughnessy had placed upon it, and the bidding went on with a rush. -The next lot--two ribbon-carved mahogany arm-chairs--seemed to be badly -wanted by some one. They were knocked down at a figure twenty-five -percent, beyond the reserve. So it was with everything else in the -collection. Never had there been a more successful sale in the same -rooms. - -[Illustration:0327] - -So, at least, the auctioneer confessed to the vendor as they dined -together that evening, and the auctioneer was in private life a truthful -man, though not always so rigid in the rostrum. - - - - -V. THE ARTFUL AND GOLDSTEIN - -Upon another occasion, in the same town, there was a dealer's sale at -an auction mart, and it went off pretty well, though naturally a good -many lots remained undisposed of at the close, for on every article -there was a reserve price representing the profit to accrue to the -vendor, with the auctioneer's usual ten per cent. One of the unsold -pictures had attracted the attention of a gentleman who had bid as far -as twelve pounds for it, and when the sale was over he remained in the -mart waiting to see if it should be claimed by a dealer, so that he -might have a chance of getting it at a slight advance. - -But the auctioneer very frankly confided in him that it had not been -sold: the vendor, unfortunately, knew a good deal about pictures and had -put a pretty stiff reserve on it. At this moment a local dealer showed -signs of being also attracted by the picture. He stood in front of it, -and seemed to be assessing its value to the nearest penny. After a few -moments he jerked his head to bring the auctioneer to his side, and with -a word of apology to the possible purchaser the auctioneer went to the -man. - -They had a whispered conversation together, but every whisper was -clearly audible to the layman. - -“Look here,” said the dealer, “you know that I bid up to eighteen pounds -for that picture. Well, I'm willing to go to the length of twenty for -it, if you're selling it privately.” - -“I'm sorry I can't oblige you, Mr. Goldstein,” said the auctioneer. “You -know as well as I do who the vendor is, and you know that he is as good -a judge of a picture as any man living. You know that the picture is -worth money.” - -“Now what's the good of talking to me like that?” said Mr. Goldstein. -“I don't deny that the picture is a good one--one of the best you ever -handled--but a man must live. I believe I have a customer for that -thing, but I look to make a bit off it for myself, and I must have it -cheap.” - -“And isn't twenty-five pounds cheap for such a work?” asked the -auctioneer. - -“I don't deny it,” replied the dealer, “and that's just what I expect to -get for it; but where do I come in in the transaction if I pay you that -for it? Do you fancy I stick in auction-rooms all day by the doctor's -orders? I'll give you twenty-three pounds for the picture, and if you -can't let me have it for that you may burn it.” - -The auctioneer laughed and walked away without condescending to reply, -and with a grimace of ill-humour Mr. Goldstein left the auction-room. - -“Who is that person?” asked the would-be purchaser. - -“His name is Goldstein,” replied the auctioneer. “He's a picture dealer, -and about as knowing as they are made. He has been nibbling at this ever -since it was left with me. Of course he'll come back for it. He's no -fool. He knows a good thing when he sees it.” - -The auctioneer strolled down the room to his office, leaving the -gentleman to digest the information which he had given him. - -Now the gentleman was quite an astute person, and it did not take him -long to perceive that a picture that is worth twenty-three pounds to a -dealer named Goldstein is certainly worth twenty-five to a layman, so -the auctioneer was not surprised when he entered his office, saying-- - -“Did you say that twenty-five pounds was the reserve for that picture?” - -“That's the vendor's reserve, sir.” - -“All right. I'll take it at that,” said the gentleman. - -“Very good, sir,” said the auctioneer, and he smiled knowingly as he -added, “I may tell you that Goldstein offered me twenty-three for it -just now. He'll be back with me offering twenty-five within the hour. I -can imagine his face when he hears that it's gone.” - -His shrewdness did not deceive him. Mr. Goldstein was back at the mart -within half an hour, with inquiries about the picture, and it was with -an air of triumph that the auctioneer told him that it had been sold. It -is also quite likely that the look which he said he would like to see on -Mr. Goldstein's face when he heard that the picture was sold was exactly -the one which was worn by Mr. Goldstein, though it might not be just -the one which the purchaser of the picture would associate with an -expression of chagrin on the face of a person named Goldstein. - -The truth was that Mr. Goldstein was grinning quite pleasantly; for Mr. -Goldstein was the vendor of the work of art, which he had bought for -four pounds and had disposed of for twenty-five, less auction fees! - -This auctioneer was an unusually clever man. He was heard to confide in -a friend his impression that the town he lived in was not sufficiently -large to give his genius a chance of being displayed to the full; and -that was possibly why a short time afterwards he went to London and -started business in one of the most central thoroughfares. - -Within six months he was prosecuted for selling bogus Bechsteins, -convicted, and sentenced to a term of imprisonment for an offence which -at one time was a serious menace to the piano trade. - - - - -VI.--TRICKS AND TRICKS - -I have heard it debated with great seriousness whether a fine art -dealer in a commercial town, where the finer arts are neglected, is -not entitled to resort to a method of disposing of his goods which some -people might be disposed to term trickery. Personally, I think any form -of trickery having money for its object is indefensible. But there are -tricks and tricks, and what will be chuckled over by some businessmen as -“a good stroke of business” may, if submitted to a jury, be pronounced a -fraud, and it appears to me that people are becoming more exacting -every day in their fine art dealings. They seem to expect that a picture -dealer will tell them all he knows about any picture that he offers -them, and, should they consent to buy it, that he will let them have -it at the price he paid for it. Should they find out, after they have -completed the purchase, that he made any statement to them that was not -strictly accurate, they bring an action against him. How such people -would be laughed at if they were to bring an action against the vendor -of a patent medicine for having stated on the bottle that it would cure -gout, neuralgia, and neuritis, when they had tried it and found that -it would do nothing of the sort! There was a pill made during the -eighteenth century which was guaranteed to prevent earthquakes. Some -time ago I heard it seriously urged, on behalf of an American patent -medicine, that when the half of San Francisco had been laid in ruins by -an earthquake, the building where the medicine was manufactured remained -undisturbed! - -But until recent years a pretty free hand was allowed to dealers -in works of art. I remember being in a shop--called a gallery--in a -provincial town in which a good deal of “restoration” in the picture way -was effected. The proprietor had a drawerful of labels each bearing the -name of a good old Master done in black on a gold ground, and when a -work was “restored” to his satisfaction, he turned over the labels until -he found one to suit its style. Then he nailed it very neatly on to the -frame, and the picture was ready for sale as a Moroni, a Velasquez, a -Tintoretto, or a Titian, as the case might be. The man was an excellent -judge of pictures and prints, and I do not believe that he ever got a -picture painted on an old canvas to sell as a genuine work. He simply -bought all the good old pictures that he thought worth buying and -“touched them up.” People bought them on chance, the wise ones asking no -questions “for conscience' sake”--the conscience of the vendor; and I -am pretty sure that many genuine pictures passed through his hands--some -that were worth from a hundred to five hundred pounds apiece for a tenth -of the smaller sum. - -He saw the humour of his labels better than anyone else, I think. He -never gave an audible laugh when I used to inquire if he could provide -me with a really choice Rembrandt for thirty shillings; he pretended to -take me seriously, and, shaking his head, he would say-- - -“Rembrandts with any pedigree are getting scarcer and scarcer every -year, sir. You wouldn't feel justified in going as far as two pounds if -you saw one that you took a fancy to, I suppose? No? Well, I'll see -what I can do for you at your price, but I may tell you that it's rather -below than above the figure for a genuine hand-painted Rembrandt.” - -One day two gentlemen called when I was in the gallery--a major in the -Gunners and a brother officer. - -“Morning,” said the former. “I hope you got the frame in order.” - -“Yes, sir,” replied the dealer, bustling off to where a picture was -lying with its face down on a bench. He picked it up and bore it to an -easel, on which he placed it in a moderately good light. “That's it, -sir. I happened to lay my hands on a more suitable frame, so I didn't -trouble with the old one; it's impossible to put a touch of gold leaf on -an old frame without making it look patchy.” - -“I think that's a far better frame than the old one,” said the major. “I -brought my friend in to look at the picture. Who did you say it was by?” - -“Rubens, sir--an early Rubens, I think it is.” - -“Ah yes, that was the name. Looks well, doesn't it?” said the officer to -his friend. - -“Very well indeed. I never saw anything that took my fancy better,” said -the other. “Look at that silk--rippin', I call it--absolutely rippin'.” - -“I thought you'd like it,” said the major. “There's nothing looks -so well in a room as a good old picture. But, of course, it's easy -overdoing that sort of thing.” - -“Nothing easier--like those American Johnnies,” acquiesced his friend. -“Yes, a rippin' picture, I call that--good colour, you know, but all well -toned down. Do you know what it is--I've a great mind to have one too.” - -“Good!” cried the major. “You really couldn't do better, you know--six -guineas, frame included.” - -“I believe you're right. Yes, I'll take one too,” said the other, -turning to the dealer, who was standing silently by. - -“Very good, sir,” said the dealer. “I'll look one out for you by -to-morrow afternoon, if that would suit you.” - -“Suit me well. Six guineas in the frame, I suppose?” - -“Yes, sir, six guineas, unless---- Would you like a pair of them, sir? I -might be able to take a little off for a pair.” - -The grave way in which he suggested a pair of Rubenses, as if it were -customary to sell Rubenses in braces like pheasants, was too much for -my nerves. I looked at my watch and made for the door, and I hope that I -was well round the corner before I burst out. - -I heard afterwards that the officer had no use for a brace of Rubenses; -but he bought a nice little Dutch village scene, by a painter named -Teniers, for three pounds. It was not signed by the artist; but I have -no doubt, if he had made a point of it, the dealer would have obliged -him: the work of restoration frequently includes the restoring of an -artist's signature. - -So it was impressed on me that there is a humorous side even to picture -dealing in the provinces. - -That incident, I repeat, took place in the good old days; but if one -gives some attention to the law courts even nowadays one will find -plenty to laugh at in connection with transactions in the fine arts. It -was certainly very amusing to see some year or two ago, the examples of -fine old Dresden which were displayed as “exhibits”--in the legal, not -the exhibition, sense--in the law courts, all of which were pronounced -spurious by the experts, though sold for many thousand pounds to a -wealthy old tradesman, and to follow the story of every transaction. But -I found it more amusing still to identify the various pieces with the -illustrations contained in aback number of a leading magazine of art -which had devoted several pages to a description of the magnificent -Dresden collection of the old tradesman. What had been referred to as -the gems of the cabinets were the very things that were produced in the -Court as examples of the spurious! - - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Lighter Side of English Life, by -Frank Frankfort Moore - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ENGLISH LIFE *** - -***** This file should be named 51927-0.txt or 51927-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/9/2/51927/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - diff --git a/old/51927-0.zip b/old/51927-0.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 95092d6..0000000 --- a/old/51927-0.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/51927-8.txt b/old/51927-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index d2a30e6..0000000 --- a/old/51927-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,7281 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Lighter Side of English Life, by -Frank Frankfort Moore - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: The Lighter Side of English Life - -Author: Frank Frankfort Moore - -Illustrator: George Belcher - -Release Date: May 1, 2016 [EBook #51927] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ENGLISH LIFE *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - - - - -THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ENGLISH LIFE - -By Frank Frankfort Moore - -Author Of "The Jessamy Bride" - -Illustrated in Colour by George Belcher - -T. N. Foulis, London & Edinburgh - -1913 - - - - -CHAPTER ONE--THE VILLAGE - -ONE MORNING A FEW MONTHS AGO A foreigner under the influence of -an aeroplane descended somewhat hurriedly in a broad and--as he -ascertained--a soft meadow in Nethershire; and while he was picking -up his matches preparatory to lighting his cigarette--he has always a -cigarette in his waistcoat pocket, for a man with a Kodak may be lurking -behind the nearest tree--an agricultural labourer on his way to his work -looked over the hedge at him. The foreign person noticed him, and after -trying him in vain with German, French, and Hungarian, fell back upon -English, and in the few words of that language which he knew, inquired -the name of the place. "Why, Bleybar Lane, to be sure," replied the man, -perceiving the trend of the question with the quick intelligence of the -agricultural labourer; and when the stranger shook his head and lapsed -into Russian, begging him to be more precise (for the aviator had not -altogether recovered from the daze of his sudden arrival), the man -repeated the words in a louder tone, "Bleybar Lane--everybody knows -Bleybar Lane; and that's Thurswell that you can't see, beyond the -windmill," and then walked on. Happily our parson, who had watched the -descent of the stranger and was hastening to try if he could be of any -help to him, came up at that moment and explained that he was in -England, where English was, up to that time at least, spoken in -preference to German or, indeed, any other language, and that breakfast -would be ready at the Rectory in an hour. - - - - -I--THE ABORIGINES - -It was the Rector who told me the story, adding in regard to the -labourer---- "Isn't that just like Thurswell--fancying that a Czech who -had just crossed the Channel, and believed himself to be in Belgium, -should know all about Thurswell and its Bleybar Lane?" - -I thought that it was very like Thurswell indeed, and afterwards I made -it still more like by talking to the agricultural labourer himself about -the incident. - -"Ay, he spoke gibberish with a foreign accent, and I told him plain -enough, when he had swept his arms and cried 'Where?' or words to that -effect, that he was by Bleybar Lane, and that the place he couldn't see -for the windmill was Thurswell; but it were no use: foreigners be in the -main woeful ignorant for Christian persons, and I could see that he had -no knowledge even of Thurswell when he heard the name." - -[Illustration: 0023] - -That is our village down to the ground. You could not persuade one -of the aborigines that there is any place in England or outside it of -greater importance than Thurswell, because there is no place of greater -importance to the Thurswellian. An aged inhabitant was taken by his -son to see the coronation procession, and when he was asked what it was -like, replied, after a suitable pause, that it ran Thurs-well's Day -very hard--Thurswell's Day is the name given to the First Sunday after -Trinity, when the Free Foresters and Ancient Shepherds march to church -in sashes, with a band made up of a fife, three flutes, a drum, a -concertina, and a melodion. - -"Ay, neighbours, it ran Thurswell's Day hard," he affirmed, and did not -flinch from his statement in spite of the incredulous murmur that arose -from the bench nearest the door, which was immediately suppressed by the -landlord, who was apprehensive of a riot. - -Thurswell is a village of antiquity. Its name occurs in _Domesday -Book_, where you may look in vain for any mention of Brindlington, that -mushroom town of 60.000 inhabitants, which is nine miles to the north, -or even of Broadminster, the Cathedral town, which is seven miles to the -west. "Broadminster is where the Dean lives," I was told by the landlord -of the Wheatsheaf at Thurswell when I was making inquiries about the -district, "and Brindlington is where the brewery is; but my father got -his ale at Pipstone, and I get mine there too, though it's a blow to -Brindlington, for in harvest the best part of a cask goes within a -week." - -There are several other villages within a mile or so of Thurswell, and -the inhabitants of some are infatuated enough to believe that they -are on a social, as well as a commercial, level with the people of -Thurswell. This singular hallucination caused a good deal of friction on -all sides in years gone by, and _the rapprochement_ that was eventually -brought about between Thurswell and its neighbours by the thoughtfulness -of a Rector, who preached a sermon on the vision of St. Peter and -enjoined upon his hearers to remember that even though people have not -been born in Thurswell they are still God's creatures, was a purely -sentimental one, and did not last. - -Some years ago an article appeared in the _Topographical Gazette_ -from the pen of an eminent archaeologist affirming that Thurswell must -originally have been Thor's Well, so that the place dated back to -the time of the worship of the Scandinavian god Thor; but while -this evidence of its antiquity was received by some of us with -enthusiasm--having been a resident in the village for a whole year I was -naturally an ardent Thurswellian--it was, when reproduced in the _East -Nethershire Weekly_, generally regarded as the invention of some -one anxious to give the enemies of the village some ground for their -animosity toward it. For the suggestion that it had a heathen origin was -not one, it was felt, to which its people could tamely submit. There was -some talk of a public meeting to protest against the conclusions come to -by the archaeologist, and the Rector was considered in some quarters to -be but a half-hearted champion of the Faith when he refused to lend the -schoolhouse--sixty people could be crowded into it--for this purpose, -his argument that the more heathen Thurswell had been in the past, the -more marked should be its display of the Christian virtue of charity in -the present, being criticised as savouring of Jesuitry. For months the -matter was the leading topic of the neighbourhood, and the Hearts of Oak -Habitation of the Ancient Shepherds drew up a resolution protesting in -this connection against "archaeology and every form of idolatry." It was -the misprint in the _Gazette_ that changed "Hearts of Oak" into "Heads -of Oak" in publishing the proceedings that quenched the violence of the -discussion, and now it is considered bad taste to refer to it at all. - - - - -II.--THE CENTENARIANS - -More recently still another busybody endeavoured to deprive the village -of the reputation which it had long enjoyed as the centre of English -longevity. Now it would be impossible for any one to study the dates -on the tombstones in the churchyard without noticing how great was the -number of centenarians who died within the first fifty years of the -nineteenth century in the parish of Thurswell. There were apparently -eighteen men and fourteen women interred after passing their hundredth -year; indeed, one woman was recorded to have reached her hundred and -twenty-seventh year, which is a good age for a woman. The people were -naturally very proud of the constant references made in print to their -longevity; but one day there came down to the village a member of the -Statistical Society, and after busying himself among the musty parish -registers for a month, he announced his discovery that in every case but -one the date of the birth of the alleged centenarians was the date of -the birth of their parents. The investigator had noticed that all the -alleged centenarians had "departed this life" during the rectorship of -the Rev. Thomas Ticehurst, and centenarianism had always been his -fad. He had preached sermon after sermon on Methuselah and other -distinguished multi-centenarians, and he spent his time travelling about -the country in search of evidence in confirmation of the theory that -Methuselah, though somewhat beyond the average in respect of age, might -yet have been exceeded on his own ground by many people living in the -country districts of England. Nothing was easier, the investigator tried -to show, than for a clergyman in charge of the registers, who had such -a hobby, to assume, when any very old man or woman died in his parish, -that he or she actually was twenty years or so older; and as the -Christian names were nearly always hereditary, in nine cases out of -ten he accepted the registry of the birth of the father as that of the -lately deceased man, and the date of the birth of the mother in regard -to the aged woman, the result being a series of the most interesting -inscriptions. - -I must confess that I myself felt that I had a personal grievance -against this busybody statistician. There is nothing so comforting to -the middle-aged as a stroll through a cemetery of centenarians; and I -had the most uncharitable feelings against the person who could make -such an attempt to deprive me of the pleasant hope of living another -sixty or seventy years. - -But while we were still talking about the danger of permitting strangers -to have access to the registers, I was told one morning that a man who -had once been the gardener at the place which I had just acquired -would like to see me. Now, I had had already some traffic with the -superannuated gardener of my predecessor, and so I was now surprised to -find myself face to face with quite a different person. - -"You were not the gardener here," I said. "I saw him; his name is -Craggs, and he still lives in the hollow." - -"Oh ay, Jonas Craggs--young Joe, we called him; I knew his father," -replied my visitor. "He was only here a matter of six-and-thirty years. -I was superann'ated to make way for him. Young-Joe, we called him, and I -was curious to see how things had come on in the garden of late." - -"You were superannuated thirty-six years ago," said I. "What age are you -now?" - -"I'm ninety-eight, sir," he replied with a smirk. - -I showed him round the garden. He said he could see that the things he -had planted had grown summut; and I walked through the churchyard the -next Sunday with the greatest complacency. - -When I told the Rector that my experience of this grand old gardener -tended to make me take the side of Thurswell and the neighbourhood -against scientific investigation in regard to longevity, he assured -me that if I paid a visit to a certain elderly lady who lived with a -middle-aged granddaughter in a cottage on the road to Cransdown I should -find ample confirmation of the faith for which I had a leaning. The -lady's name was, he said, Martha Trendall, and she really was, he -thought, a genuine centenarian, for she had a vivid recollection of -events which had happened quite ninety years ago; and, unlike most -reputed centenarians, she remembered many details of the historical -incidents that had taken place in her young days; she was a most -intelligent person altogether, and had evidently been at one time a -great reader, though latterly her eyesight had shown signs of failing. - -I made up my mind to pay a visit to this Mrs. Trendall, and thought that -perhaps I might get material for a letter to the _Times_ that should not -leave the scientific investigator a leg to stand on. A month, however, -elapsed before I carried out my intention, though the Rector thought -this was not a case for procrastination: when a lady is anything over a -hundred her hold upon life shows a tendency to relax, he said, for even -the most notorious centenarians cannot be expected to live for ever. But -when I managed to make my call I must confess that I was amply repaid -for the time I spent in the company of Mrs. Trendall. - -I found her sitting in her chair in what is called the chimney corner -when it exists in its original condition in a cottage, but is termed the -"ingle nook" in those red brick imitation cottages which are being flung -about the country by those architects who concern themselves in the -development of estates. I saw at once that such a figure would be out of -place anywhere except in the chimney corner of a cottage kitchen, with -immovable windows, but a "practicable" iron crane for the swinging -of pots over the hearth fire. The atmosphere--thanks to the immobile -casements--was also all that it should be: it was congenially -centenarian, I perceived in a moment. It had a pleasant pungency of old -bacon, but though I looked about for a genuine flitch maturing in -the smoke, I failed to see one--still, the nail on which it should be -hanging was there all right. - -The old woman was quite alert. There was nothing of the wheezy gammer -about her. Only one ear was slightly deaf, she told me when I had been -introduced by her granddaughter--a woman certainly over fifty. She -smiled referring to her one infirmity, and when she smiled the parchment -of her face became like the surface of the most ancient palimpsest: it -was seamed by a thousand of the finest lines, and made me feel that -I was looking at an original etching by Rembrandt or Albert Drer--a -"trial proof," not evenly bitten in places; and the cap she wore added -to the illusion. - -She was, I could see, what might be called a professional centenarian, -and so might retain some of those prejudices which existed long ago -against "talking shop" and therefore I refrained from referring in any -way to her age: I felt sure that when the right moment came she would -give me an opening, and I found that I had not misjudged her. I -had scarcely told her how greatly we all liked our house before she -gratified me by a reminiscence of the antepenultimate owner: he had -died, I happen to know, thirty-eight years ago, and Mrs. Trendall -remembered the morning he first rode his black horse to hounds--that was -the year before he married, and his son was now a major-general. "A -long time ago," I remarked, and she smiled the patronising smile of the -professional at the feeble effort of an incompetent amateur. "Long -ago? Oh no; only a bit over sixty years--maybe seventy." The difference -between sixty and seventy years ago was in her eyes not worth taking any -account of. Her treatment of this reminiscence gave me warning of what -she could do when she had her second wind and got into her stride. - -"You must have a great memory, Mrs. Trendall," I remarked. "Was there -much stir in this neighbourhood when Queen Victoria got married? I heard -something about a big bonfire on Earl's Beacon." - -"'Twere no more'n a lucifer match in compare with the flare up after -Waterloo," was her complacent reply; and I felt as if I had just had an -audacious pawn taken by my opponent's Queen. "Ay, Thurswell lost three -fine youngsters at Waterloo. There was Amos Scovell, him with the red -hair." - -"The one they used to call Carrots?" I suggested. - -She brightened up. - -"The very same--Carrots they called him sure enough," she said, nodding. -"But you couldn't have knowed'un; you're no more'n a stripling as yet. -Doan't you list to all that you hear from them that calls theirselves -ancient old venerables; there's not a one of'un that's truthfully -old--I'm the only one; take my word for it, sir." - -I gave her to understand (I hope) by my confidential smile and shake -of the head that I was aware of the many fraudulent claims to longevity -advanced by some of our friends about Thurswell. - -"Age? Age is an empty thing without a memory," I remarked. "But what a -memory you have, Mrs. Trendall! I shouldn't wonder if you recollected -the news of Nelson's victory at Trafalgar arriving in England--oh no: -that was too long ago even for you." - -She bridled up in a moment. - -"Too long ago for me?--too long, quotha! Don't I mind it as if it -happened no earlier'n last week? It were before I married my first. It -were my father that came a-bustling hasty like and wi' a face rosy -wi' beer and hurry, and says he, 'Nelson has broke the Frenchies on -us--broke them noble, and we may look for'un coming home any day -now,' says he; and there wasn't a sober man in the five parishes that -night--no, not a one. Ay, those was times!" - -"Surely--surely," I acquiesced. "But now that you can look back on them -quite calmly in the afternoon of your life, would you really say that -they were more lively times than when the Duke of Marlborough was doing -his fighting for us? You've heard your mother speak of Marlborough, I'm -sure." - -"My mother--speak! Why, I see'un for myself wi' these very eyes when he -come home from the wars--a nice, well-set-up gentleman, if so be that I -know what'tis to be a gentleman. It was when he come to pay his respex -to Squire Longden at Old Deane--the squire that married thrice, as -they said, the first for love, the second for lucre, and the third -for--for--now was it for liquor or learning?--Well, 'twere one of the -two. Ay, sir, those was the times--before there was any talk about -Prince Albert and the Christian Palace in London." - -"I should rather think so. And if you are old enough to remember seeing -the great Duke of Marlborough, I am sure that you may remember seeing -Oliver Cromwell when he came through Thurswell with his army?" - -"Oliver Cromwell? You've spoke the truth, sir. I see'un once--on'y once, -to be exact. I mind'un well.'Twere in the mid o' hay harvest, and father -come up to us in a mortial great haste, and says he, 'Martha lass, -throw down that rake and I'll show you the greatest sight o' your -life--Cromwell hisself on a mighty skewbald.' And, sure enough, there he -was a-galloping at the head of a fine army o' men, with guns a-rumbling -and the bugles blowing--grand as a circus--ay, Batty's Circus with all -the fun about Jump Jim Crow and Billy Barlow and the rest. Oh, I saw'un -sure." - -"And Queen Elizabeth--I wonder if you ever chanced to see her?" - -"Never, sir--never! 'Twere always the sorrow o' my life that the day -she passed through Ticebourne, where I was living with my grand-aunt -Martha--her that I was named after--I had been sent with a basket o' -three dozen eggs--one dozen of'em turkeys--to the big house, and her -ladyship not being at home I had to wait the best part of a whole hour, -and by the time I got back the Queen had driven away, so I missed -the chance o' my life; for being since my early years noteworthy for -speaking the truth to a hairs-breadth, I couldn't bring myself to say -that I had seen a royal person when I hadn't. But what I can say is that -I on'y missed seeing of her by twenty minutes, more or less." - -I began to feel that I might be overwhelmed if I were borne much farther -in the current of the pellucid stream of Mrs. Trendall's veracity; so I -rose and thanked the good woman for her courtesy, and expressed the hope -that the efforts she had made on my behalf to be rigidly accurate had -not fatigued her. - -She assured me that all she had said was nothing to what she could say -if I had a mind to listen to her. - -When I acknowledged to the Rector that the memory of Martha had -surpassed my most sanguine hopes, he was greatly delighted. I thought it -well, however, to neglect the opportunity he gave me of going into the -details of her interesting recollections. Before we dropped the subject, -he said what a pity it was that an historian of the nineteenth century -could not avail himself of the services of Martha to keep him straight -on some points that might be pronounced of a contentious nature. - -Not many days after my interesting interview with Martha, the -professional centenarian, the decease of an unobtrusive amateur was -notified to me. It came about through the temporary disorganisation of -our bread service, which I learned was due to the sudden death of the -baker's mother. Entering his shop a week or two later, I ventured to say -a word of conventional condolence to him, and this was responded to -by him with a mournful volubility that made me feel as if I had just -attended a funeral oration, or an inefficient reading of "In Memoriam." -It was a terrible blow to him, he said--a cruel blow; and he went on to -suggest that it was such an apparently gratuitous stroke that it made -even the most orthodox man doubt the existence of mercy in the Hand that -had inflicted it. - -"No doubt, no doubt," I acquiesced. "But, after all, we must all die -some day, Martin, and your good mother could scarcely be said to have -been cut off long before she had reached the allotted span. You know you -can hardly call yourself a young man still, Martin." - -He shook his head as if to hint that he had heard this sort of thing -before. I think it very probable that he had: I know that I had, more -than once. But I thought that there was no occasion for him to suggest -so much, so I boldly asked him what age his mother had reached. - -He shook his head, not laterally this time, but longitudinally, and -distributing the flies more evenly over a plate of jam tarts with a -mournful whisk of his feather duster, he replied-- - -"She was a hundred and four last February, sir." - -I turned right about and left him alone with his irreparable grief. - - - - -III. THE POINT OF VIEW - -On the subject of age, I may say that it has always seemed to me that -it is the aim of most people to appear as young as possible--and perhaps -even more so--for as long as possible--and perhaps even longer; but -then it seems gradually to dawn upon them that there may be as much -distinction attached to age as to youth, and those who have been trying -to pass themselves off as much younger than they really are turn their -attention in the other direction and endeavour to make themselves out to -be much older than the number of their years. It is, of course, chiefly -in the cottages that the real veterans are to be found--old men and -women who take a proper pride in having reached a great if somewhat -indefinite age, and in holding in contempt the efforts of a neighbour to -rival them in this way. One of the peculiarities of these good folk is -to become hilarious over the news of the death of some contemporary. -I have seen ancient men chuckle at the notion of their having survived -some neighbour who, they averred with great emphasis, was much their -junior. The idea seems to strike them as being highly humorous. And so -perhaps it may be, humour being so highly dependent upon the standpoint -from which it is viewed. - -In the cottages the conversation frequently turns upon the probability -of an aged inmate being gathered unto his fathers before next harvest -or, if in autumn, before the first snow, and the utmost frankness -characterises the remarks made on this subject in the presence of -the person who might be supposed to be the most interested in the -discussion, though, as a matter of fact, he is as little interested in -it as the Tichborne claimant acknowledged he was in his trial after it -had passed its fortieth day. I was fortunate enough to reach the shelter -of a farm cottage before a great storm a few years ago, and on a truckle -bed in the warm side of the living room of the family there lay an old -man, who nodded to me and quavered out a "good marn." I asked the woman, -who was peeling potatoes sitting on a stool, if he was her father or her -husband's father. - -"He's Grandpaw Beck; but don't you take any heed o' him, sir, he's -dying," she replied, with the utmost cheerfulness. "Doctor's bin here -yestereve, and says he'll be laid out afore a week. But we've everything -handylike and ready for'un." - -[Illustration: 0033] - -She pointed to a chair on which some white garments were neatly laid. "I -run the iron o'er'em afore settin' to the bit o' dinner," she explained. - -I glanced at the old man. He nodded his approval of her good -housekeeping. He clearly thought that procrastination should be -discountenanced. - -The flashes of lightning and the peals of thunder seemed to me to be by -no means extravagant accompaniments to this grim scene (as it appeared -in my eyes). I have certainly known far less impressive scenes on -the stage thought worthy of the illumination of lightning and the -punctuation of thunder claps. - -This familiar treatment of the subject of the coming of the grim figure -with the scythe prevails in every direction. A friend of mine had a like -experience in a cottage in another part of the country. The man of the -house--he was a farm labourer--was about to emigrate to Canada, and was -anxious to get as good a price as possible for some pieces of old china -in his possession, and my friend had called to see them by invitation. -He was brought into a bedroom where the plates were to be seen on a -dresser; and by way of making conversation on entering the room, he -asked the man when he thought of leaving England. - -"Oh, very shortly now," he replied. "Just as soon as feyther there dies" -(jerking his head in the direction of a bed), "and he's far gone--he's -dying fast--Doctor Jaffray gives us great hope that a week'll -finish'un." - -He then went on to talk about the china, explaining that three of the -pieces had been brought by his grandmother from the Manor House, where -she had been still-room maid for twenty-six years. - -"Twenty-eight years--twenty-eight years, Amos," came a correcting -falsetto from the bed. - -"You know nowt o' the matter," cried the son. "This is no business o' -yours. We doan't want none o' your jaw. Go on wi' your dying." - - - - -CHAPTER TWO.--OUTSIDE THE VILLAGE - - - - -I.--THE GENERAL - -ON A VERY DIFFERENT PLANE OF INterest I regard my experience of two -delightful old people whom I found living, the one a mile or two on -the Brindlington side of Thurswell, the other on the Broadminster side, -"where the Dean lives." The former is an old general who once -commanded a regiment of Sikhs and spent fifty years in India. He is now -eighty-three years of age, and has two sons with the rank of colonel, a -grandson who is a captain of Sappers, and two who are lieutenants in -the navy. The old man has nothing of the bristling retired general about -him--not even the liver. He is of a gentle, genial nature, not very -anxious to hear the latest news, and not at all eager to make his -visitors acquainted with his experiences in India or his views as to the -exact degree of decadence reached by "the sarvice." He speaks in a low -and an almost apologetic tone, and is interested in old Oriental china -and tortoiseshell tea-caddies. One could never believe that this was -the man whose sobriquet of Shire-i-Iran (Lion of Persia) was once a -household word along the turbulent northwest frontier, or that he had -been the most brilliant exponent of all the dash which one associates -with the cavalry leader. His reputation on that long frontier was that -of an Oriental equivalent of the Wild Huntsman of the German ballad. -People had visions of him galloping by night at the head of his splendid -Sikhs to cut off the latest fanatical insurrectionary from his supports, -and then sweep him and his marauders off the face of the earth. -Certainly no cavalry leader ever handled his men with that daring -which he displayed--a daring that would have deserved to be called -recklessness had it once failed.... And there he sat at dinner, talking -in his low voice about the fluted rim of one of his tea-caddies, and -explaining how it was quite possible to repair the silver stringing that -beautified the top. Once I fancied I overheard him telling the person -who sat by him at dinner about the native regiments--I felt sure that -I heard the word "Sepoy," and I became alert. Alas! the word that I had -caught was only "tea-poy"--he was telling how he had got a finely cut -glass for a deficient caddie out of an old nineteenth-century mahogany -tea-poy. That was the nearest approach he made to the days of his -greatness. - -But I noticed with satisfaction that he partook of every dish that was -offered to him--down to the marmalade pudding. At dessert he glanced -down the table and said that he thought he would have an apple. "No, -dear," said his daughter, gently but firmly removing the dish beyond his -reach. "You know that you are not allowed to touch apples." - -"Why, what harm will an apple do me--just one--only one apple?" he -inquired, and there were tears in his voice--it had become a tremulous -pipe, the tone of a child whose treat had been unjustly curtailed. "No, -dear, not even one. It is for your own good: you should have an apple if -it agreed with you; but it doesn't." - -"I want an apple--I can't see what harm an apple would do me," he cried -again. But his daughter was firm. It was very pathetic to witness -the scene. The Lion of Persia becoming plaintive at being denied a -rosy-cheeked apple. The man who, with a force of only six hundred sabres -behind him, had ridden up to Mir Ali Singh with the three thousand -rebels supporting him, and demanded his sword, and got it, not being -able to get his apple when he had asked for it nicely, seemed to me to -be a most pathetic figure. I pleaded for him as one pleads for a child -in the nursery: he had been a good boy and had eaten all that had been -set before him quite nicely--why might he not have an apple to make him -happy? - -But the daughter was inexorable. She told me that I did not know her -father, while she did. An apple would be poison to him; and so the old -hero was left complaining, with an occasional falsetto note, upon the -restrictions of his commissariat. I am pretty sure that there was no -falsetto note in any of his complaints in regard to commissariat forty -years ago. - -He was a noble old warrior, however, for when his daughter had, with the -rest of the ladies, left us after dinner, he never put out a hand to -the apple dish, though there was no man at the table who would have -interfered with him had he done so; the Newtown Pippins remained -blushing, but not on account of any disloyalty on his part to the duty -he owed to the daughter who had his welfare at heart. - - - - -II.--THE DEAR OLD LADY - -The aged lady who lives in a lovely old moated house a few miles out of -Thurswell is one of the youngest people I ever met. She is the mother -of two distinguished sons and the grandmother of a peeress. She takes an -interest in everything that is going on in various parts of the world, -and even points out the mistakes made by the leader-writers in the -London papers--some of the mistakes. But she does so quite cheerfully -and without any animus. She still sketches _en plein air_, and in her -drawings there is no suggestion of the drawing-master of the early -Victorians. Any elderly person who could hold a pencil and whose moral -character could bear a strict investigation was accounted competent to -teach drawing in those days; for drawing in those days meant nothing -beyond making a fair copy of a lithograph of a cottage in a wood with -a ladder leaning against a gable and a child sitting on a fence--a -possible successful statesman in the future--with a dog below him. She -never was so taught, she told me: she had always held out against the -restrictions of the schoolroom of her young days, and had never played -either the "Maiden's Prayer" or the "Battle of Prague." Thalberg's -variations on "Home Sweet Home" she had been compelled to learn. No -young lady in that era of young ladies could avoid acquiring at least -the skeleton of Thalberg's masterpiece: and I was glad that this -particular old lady, who had once been a young lady, had mastered it; -for it enabled her to give me the most delightful parody upon it that -could be imagined. - -Only once did I hear her speak with bitterness in referring to any one; -but when she began upon this occasion, she spoke not only bitterly, but -wrathfully--contemptuously as well. She was referring to the Emperor -Napoleon III. in his relations with the unhappy Maximilian of Mexico. -She had known the latter intimately. My own impression is that she had -been in love with him--and tears were in her eyes when she talked of how -he had been betrayed by the man whom she called a contemptible little -cad. Sedan represented, in her way of thinking, the cordial agreement -with her views by the Powers above. To hear her talk of those tragedies -of more than forty years ago, as if they were the incidents of the day -before yesterday, was inspiriting. I never inquired what was her age, -but one afternoon when I called upon her I found that a birthday party -was going on--a double party; for it was her birthday as well as -her youngest grandchild's. Two fully iced cakes, with pink and white -complexions, were being illuminated in the customary way, and each had -been made a candelabrum of eight tapers. When I ventured to suggest -that there must be an error in computation in some direction, it was -the younger of the beneficiaries who explained to me that about seventy -years or so ago Granny had become too old to allow of her birthday cake -holding the full amount of the candles to which she was entitled, so it -had been agreed that she should have only one candle for every ten years -of her life. The little girl confided in me that she thought it was -rather a shame to cheat poor Granny out of her rights, but of course -there was no help for it: any one could see that no cake could be made -large enough to accommodate, without undue crowding, eighty-one candles. - -I looked at the sweet old Granny, and thought, for some reason or -other, of the night of the first January of the century when I had stood -listening to the tolling of the eighty-one strokes of the church bell in -Devonshire, when every belfry in the kingdom announced the age of the -good Queen who had gone to her rest. I wondered... - -This dear lady of the eight-candle birthday cake--of which, by the bye, -she partook heartily and apparently without the least misgiving--had -been married at the age of seventeen, and this, she thought, was exactly -the right age for a girl to marry, not, as might be supposed, because -it admitted of her period of repentance being so much the longer, but -simply because she considered grandchildren so interesting. She was not -inclined to be tolerant over the prudent marriages of the present day, -when no girl is unreasonable enough to expect a proposal before she -is twenty-five, or from a man who is less than thirty-five. It almost -brought me back to Shakespeare's England to hear her express such -opinions. That stately old lady, Juliet's mother, as she appears in -every modern production of the play, was made by the author to be -something between twenty-six and twenty-seven, her daughter being some -months under fourteen, but certainly forward for her age. We used to be -informed by sage critics of this drama "of utter love defeated utterly" -that Shakespeare made Juliet so young because it was the custom in -Italy, where girls developed into womanhood at a much earlier age than -in England, for a girl to marry at Juliet's time of life. It so happens, -however, that early marriage was the custom in England and not in Italy -in the sixteenth century. When a girl was twelve her parents looked -about for a promising husband for her, and usually found one when she -was thirteen. - -Only a few months ago I came upon an unpublished letter, written in the -beautiful Gothic hand of Queen Elizabeth, in response to the inquiry of -an ambassador respecting a wife for an amiable young prince. The Queen -suggested two names of highly eligible young women, and mentioned that -one of them was twelve and the other thirteen! - -The most flagrant example of unbridled centenarianism which I have yet -come across in the course of my investigations in the neighbourhood of -Thurswell was that of a lady who had won quite a literary aureole for -her silver hair owing to the accident of her being actually the original -"Cousin Amy" of Tennyson's "Locksley Hall." For years she had worn this -honourable distinction, and, so far as I could gather, her title to it -had never been disputed. Even in the Cathedral Close of Broadminster the -tradition had been accepted, and she had been pointed out to strangers, -who doubtless looked at her with interest, saying, "Not really!" or "How -perfectly sweet!" - -I ventured to ask the prebendary who had told me that the poet had been -in love with her and consequently "greatly cut up" when she married some -one else--as might be inferred from some passages in the poem--what -was the present age of the lady, and he assured me that she was -seventy-four. She did not look it, but she really was seventy-four. I -had not the heart to point out that twenty-three years had elapsed since -Tennyson published his sequel--"Sixty Years After"--to his "Locksley -Hall," so that this "Cousin Amy" must be at least a centenarian if she -had not died, as described in the sequel, between eighty and ninety -years ago. She was, however, a nice old lady and her name was really -Amy, and she had known Alfred Tennyson when she had been very young and -he a middle-aged gentleman whom it was a great privilege to know. - - - - -CHAPTER THREE--THE VILLAGE VILLAS - - - - -I.--THE PILLARS OF SOCIETY - -THURSWELL IS UNDOUBTEDLY AN IDeal English village situated in the -midst of an agricultural county, and far away from the unhealthy and -demoralising influences of trade. It prides itself on being "select"--so -does every other English village, even when it lies deep embowered among -the striking scenery of a coal-mining district. But Thurswell is really -"select." A strange family may come to one of the best houses--one -of the four or five that have entrance gates with lodges and carriage -drives--and yet remain absolutely ignored by the older residents. Of -course the shopkeepers pay the newcomers some little attention, and the -ladies who collect for the various charities and the various churches -are quite polite in making early calls; but the question of calling -formally and leaving cards simply because the people are newcomers, -requires to be thoroughly threshed out before it is followed by any -active movement on the part of the senior residents. It has been -called unsocial on this account; but everybody in the world--at least, -everybody in Thurswell--knows that to be called unsocial is only another -way of being called select The Rector must pronounce an opinion on the -strangers, and--more important still--the Rector's wife. The example of -the Barnaby-Granges, who have lived for centuries at the Moated Manor -House, must be observed for what it is worth. It is understood that -people like the Barnaby-Granges may call upon strangers out of a sense -of duty; but every one knows how far astray from the path trod by the -"select" a sense of duty may lead one, so that the fact of the Manor -House people having called upon the newcomer is not invariably regarded -as conferring upon the latter the privilege of a passport to the most -representative Society at Thurswell. The strangers must wait until Mrs. -Lingard and Miss Mercer have decided whether they are to be called on -or ignored. Mrs. Lingard is the widow of a captain of Sappers, and Miss -Mercer is the middle-aged daughter of a previous rector, and for years -these ladies have assumed the right of veto in respect of the question -of calling upon newcomers. Within the past year, however, this question, -it should be mentioned, has developed certain complications, owing to -the strained relations existing between the two ladies. Previously they -formed a sort of vigilance committee to determine what should be done, -but since the breaking off of diplomatic relations between them the poor -people who had previously looked to them jointly for guidance are -now compelled to consult them severally as to the course they mean to -pursue, and all this takes time, and the loss of time in the etiquette -of first calls may be construed into actual rudeness by sensitive -people. - -That is how we stand at present; and although many well-meaning -persons--not invariably belonging to clerical circles--have endeavoured -to bring about a _rapprochement_ for the good of the whole community -between Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer, hitherto every effort of the kind -has failed. - -When the particulars of the incident that brought about the friction -between the two ladies are known, it will easily be understood that -a restoration of the _status quo ante_ is not to be accomplished in a -moment. - -It was all due to the exceptionally dry summer. People who retain -only the pleasantest recollections of that season of sunlight and balmy -breezes will probably find reason to modify their views respecting it -when they hear how it led to the shattering of an old friendship and, -incidentally, to the complication of the most important social question -that can come before such a community as is represented by Thurs-well. - - - - -II.--THE SHATTERING OF THE PILLARS - -The facts of the matter are simple enough in their way. Each of the -ladies occupies a small house of her own, fully, and not semi-detached, -with a small patch of green in front and a small garden at the back; -but the combined needs of front and back are not considered sufficiently -great to take up all the time of a gardener working six days in the week -during the summer. There is enough work, however, to take up three days -of the six, with window-cleaning thrown in, in slack seasons. As the -conditions of labour are identical in the case of the gardens of both -ladies--only Miss Mercer throws in the washing of her pug to balance -Mrs. Lingard's window-cleaning--John Bingham, the jobbing gardener of -Thurswell, suggested several years ago that he should divide his time -between the two gardens, and this plan, to all appearances, worked very -satisfactorily in regard to every one concerned. - -[Illustration: 0051] - -Only John Bingham was aware of the trouble involved in keeping both -gardens on precisely the same level of "getting on"--only John Bingham -was aware of the difficulty of preventing either of the ladies from -seeing that anything in the garden of the other was "getting on" better -than the same thing in her own patch. It might have been fancied that -as they were in complete agreement respecting the necessity for a strict -censorship upon the visiting lists of the neighbourhood as regards -strangers, there could not possibly exist any rivalry between them on so -insignificant a matter as the growth of a petunia or the campanile of -a campanula; but John Bingham knew better. It had been his task year -by year to minimise to the one lady his success with the garden of -the other--to say a word of disparagement on Thursdays, Fridays, and -Saturdays of all that he had been praising on Mondays, Tuesdays, and -Wednesdays. But sometimes Nature is stronger even than her greatest -enemy, a jobbing gardener, and so it was that when Mrs. Lingard chanced -to pay a visit to Miss Mercer on a Thursday, she found the garden of the -latter, just recovering from the hand of John Bingham's attention on the -Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, obviously superior in some respects to -her own, and John found his diplomatic resources quite unable to meet -with the demand for an explanation when she got home. It was in vain -that he tried to make her understand, what she certainly should have -known already from her experience of the ministrations of John--namely, -that not he, but the superior soil and aspect of Miss Mercer's -herbaceous border, should be regarded accountable for the marvellous -growths which had attracted her attention in the garden of her rival. -His Thursday, Friday, and Saturday patron declared herself far from -satisfied with such an explanation. Soil! Had she ever shown herself -to be close-fisted in the matter of soil? she inquired. And as for -aspect--had he not chosen the aspect of the herbaceous border at which -he was now working? No, she knew very well, she affirmed, that what -made a garden beautiful was loving care. She professed herself unable to -understand why John should lavish all his affection upon Miss Mercer's -border rather than upon her own; all that she could do was to judge by -results, and, viewed from this basis, it could not but be apparent -to every unprejudiced observer that he had been giving Miss Mercer's -borders such loving touches as he had never bestowed upon her own: the -flowers spoke for themselves. - -John had heard of the Language of Flowers, but he had never mastered the -elements of their speech. As a matter of fact, he took no interest in -flowers or their habits. He had "dratted" them times without number for -their failure to do all that the illustrated catalogues declared they -would do, and now he found reason to drat those of Miss Mercer for -having done much more than he had meant them to do. It was with a view -to restore the balance of mediocrity between the gardens, which had been -through no fault of his, disturbed by a sudden outbreak of "Blushing -Brides" in Miss Mercer's parterre, that he gave some extra waterings -to Mrs. Lingard's verbinas, trusting to convince her that he was -a thoroughly disinterested operator in both the gardens--which was -certainly a fact. But in that arid summer the response of the verbinas -was but too rapid, and Miss Mercer, calling upon her friend (and rival), -was shown the bed with the same pride that she had displayed when -exhibiting her petunias. - -She said nothing--the day was Saturday--but she perceived, with that -unerring intuition which in some persons almost takes the place of -genius, that petunias had been supplanted (literally) by verbinas in the -affections of John Bingham. - -She spent the Sunday rehearsing an interview which she had arranged in -her mind to have with John Bingham when he should arrive the next day. - -But Monday came, and John Bingham failed to arrive. She waited at the -back entrance to the garden until ten o'clock, but still he did not -appear. Then she sent a messenger to his cottage to inquire the cause -of his absence. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were her days for his -services, and never once had he failed her. She could not guess what was -the matter. She had always regarded him as a sober man and one for whom -Monday morning had no terrors. The mystery of his first failure was -rendered all the more unfathomable when the tweeny maid returned saying -that Mrs. Bingham had told her positive that John had gone out to work -as usual that same morning, and that Mrs. Bingham had taken it for -granted that he was in Miss Mercer's garden. - -For a quarter of an hour Miss Mercer pondered over the whole incident, -and then she suddenly put on another hat, discarding the garden specimen -with which she had begun the day, and went down the road and round by -the Moated Manor House to where Mrs. Lingard's villa was situated, just -beyond the knoll of elms. The hall door was wide open to the morning -air, and through the glass door at the farther end of the hall she -distinctly saw Mrs. Lingard standing on the edge of one of the beds of -the garden with John Bingham kneeling at her feet. - -And this on a Monday morning! - -John Bingham had actually attended morning ser-vice in the church the -day before--Miss Mercer had seen him there--and yet on Monday he -had broken faith with her, and now, at ten-thirty, he was engaged in -planting out the contents of the capacious basket which Mrs. Lingard was -doling out to him. - -And Mrs. Lingard was wearing her garden hat just as if the day was -Thursday, Friday, or Saturday, when she was entitled to his services. - -And Mrs. Lingard had also been at church the previous day and had -repeated the responses in her ordinary tone of voice, and without -faltering, though beyond a doubt her heart had been full of this scheme -of suborning a faithful, if somewhat weak, servant from his allegiance -to the mistress who had an undisputed claim to his services the next -day! - -Without a moment's hesitation Miss Mercer passed into the hall, opened -the glass door beyond, and stood beside the guilty pair before either -of them was aware of her presence. She saw that the man was planting -asters--the finest aster cuttings she had ever seen. - -"John Bingham, are you aware that this is Monday morning?" she said in -an accusing voice, and so suddenly that a cry of surprise--it may have -been with guilt--came from Mrs. Lingard, and John Bingham let drop his -trowel and wiped his forehead. - -"Good gracious, Lucy! Where did you drop from without warning?" cried -the lady in the garden hat. - -"I am addressing John Bingham, madam," said Miss Mercer in icy tones. -"And once again I ask John Bingham what he means by being here when his -place should be in my garden." - -"I can easily explain, my good woman," said Mrs. Lingard, lapsing, under -the "madam" of the other, into the tone of voice she had found effective -with the native servants in the West Indian island of St. Lucia when her -husband had been stationed there. - -"I am not addressing you, madam," said Miss Mercer hotly: her glacial -period had passed and had given place to the volcanic--the -suppressed volcanic. "I wish to be informed why this man--this -traitor--this--this----" - -"Don't be a greater fool than you are by nature, my good creature," said -Mrs. Lingard. "But I might have known that you could be disagreeable -over even such a trifle as my sending to John Bingham to assist me -for an hour in planting out the asters which were only delivered this -morning when they should have been here on Saturday. If I had not begged -him to come to my help for a couple of hours the lot would have been -spoiled. In justice to him I will say that he was very unwilling to -come." - -"And what does that mean, pray?" asked Miss Mercer sneeringly. - -"It means that he knew you better than I did," responded Mrs. Lingard. -"He has had more experience of your narrow-mindedness than I have had. -Now, go on with your work, John. Don't mind her." - -But John did not go on with his work. He touched his forehead with the -drooping aster that he held rather limply, saying, in the direction of -Miss Mercer--"I can easy make up the extra however, ma'am--mortal easy, -in the evenin', and so I thought or I wouldn't be here now." - -"There, let that satisfy you, make your mind easy; you'll not be -defrauded of the shilling for his two hours," said Mrs. Lingard. - -"You will be good enough to dictate to your inferiors, if such exist, -madam; you need not dictate to me. You may keep your John Bingham now -that you have him; I have made other arrangements for the future of my -garden." - -She turned with a mock courtesy. Mrs. Lingard also turned. - -"Lucy Mercer, go back to your--your--your hen-run," she cried, pointing -dramatically to the place of exit. "Go on with your work, John Bingham. -Mrs. Hopewell will only be too glad to take on your Thursdays, Fridays, -and Saturdays. _She_ has a garden--_a garden_." - -That is the true and circumstantial account of how Mrs. Lingard and Miss -Mercer ceased to be on speaking terms, and that is how it is that many -people are becoming more hopeful of the future of Thurswell as the -centre of a social neighbourhood. Each lady still arrogates to herself -the right of veto in respect of the claims of any strange family to be -visited on taking up their residence within reasonable visiting distance -of Thurswell; but the people who formerly had been ready to accept the -dictum of the two in such social matters are now beginning not only to -assert their own independence of action, but even to dictate to others -on all points on which they themselves had been dictated to--in no mild -way--by Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer. But a mistake that was recently -made by one of these immature dictators has done much to chasten their -longing to take up the responsibilities attached to such a position. She -had spoken with that definiteness which marks the amateur on the subject -of the visiting of a certain Mrs. Judson Hyphen Marks who had taken -Higham Lodge for a year, and accordingly quite a number of people left -cards upon her. But suddenly the name of Judson Hyphen Marks appeared -rather prominently in the columns devoted to the Law Court proceedings -in the daily papers, and some curious information respecting the -_mnage_ of the Judson Hyphen Marks was brought under the notice of the -people of Thurswell and, indeed, of England generally; and those who had -left cards upon them consulted together as to whether it was possible or -not for them to ask for their cards to be returned to them. - -The general opinion that prevailed after several long discussions on -this question was that no social machinery existed by which so desirable -an object might be effected, and no move was made in that direction; but -ever afterward the dictation of the feeble amateur who thought to take -the social reins out of the hands of Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer -when it was found that they were pulling them in opposite directions, -threatening to upset the social apple-cart, was received for what it was -worth, not for what it claimed to be worth. - - - - -III.--FLOWERS AND FRIENDSHIPS - -The instance just recorded of horticulture playing a prominent part in -the breaking up of friendships is by no means unique. When one comes -to think of it, one cannot be surprised that as the earliest serious -quarrel recorded in the history of the world was over a purely -horticultural question--namely, whether or not the qualities of -beneficent nutrition attributed to a certain fruit had been accurately -analysed--there should be many differences of opinion among the best of -friends on the same subject. - -It was my old gardener--not-the oldest of all, but the second -oldest--who told me how it was that the annual prize given by the Moated -Manor House people for the best floral display of the cottage order was -very nearly withdrawn for ever, owing to the bad blood that was made by -the award, no matter in what direction it was made. It seemed that the -prize-winner invariably found himself compelled to accept the challenge -to fight of all the disappointed aspirants to the prize, and before -nightfall there was a general distribution of black eyes and front -teeth; in some cases both got inextricably mixed up, and this was no -pleasure to anybody, my informant assured me, and the wives of the men -who were keen to compete for the prize discouraged them from it, -with the warning that if they continued to spend their time over the -cultivation of the blooms they might some day actually find themselves -awarded the prize. That warning, founded as it was upon sound sense and -reason, was beginning to produce its effects upon the better class of -flower growers; but there were still a number of young fellows who went -into training at the punch ball at the Church Institute club-room the -day they sowed their flower seeds, and so were at the top of their form -when the award was made in the early autumn, so that if one of them got -the prize he thought if a pity that his training and practice at the -punch ball should be wasted, and thus he was ready to prove to all -disputants that the prize had gone to the best man; while it was only to -be expected that those who had only had the cold consolation of honorary -mention were only too ready to dispute his ability to maintain such an -attitude for any length of time. - -The result of this joint cultivation of bulbs and biceps was not just -what the givers of the prize intended to achieve, and twice, when there -had been arrests and summonses to petty sessions, a formal warning was -issued to all whom it might concern that if the connection between -the two cultures were not severed, the prize, which was only meant for -success in the one, would be withdrawn. - -Happily, however, it was not found necessary to enforce this ultimatum, -and a _modus vivendi,_ founded upon one which had been understood to -work very satisfactorily in the case of the Chrysanthemum Society of -Mallingham, was adopted, and up to the present this had made for peace. -The annual Battle of Flowers at Thurswell has become a thing of the -past, and "Midge" Purcell, the ex-lightweight champion of the county, -who rents the Lion and Lamb Inn, and to whom the candidates for the -prize applied for advice on the biceps side of the joint contest, -affirms with regret that Englishmen are becoming degenerate. - -It was a peace-loving florist at Mallingham, the honorary secretary -to the Chrysanthemum Society, who explained the system upon which his -committee had agreed to make their awards, and urged its adoption by -the Thurswell people. Its operation was not intricate. Its fundamental -principle may best be defined on the analogy of the rotation of crops as -the rotation of awards. Like the award of the Garter, merit had nothing -to do with its scheme. The prizes were awarded strictly in turn to the -professional competitors--the others did not matter. Mr. Johnson got the -chrysanthemum cup one year, Mr. Thompson the medal for the best twelve cut -lilies, Mr. Cardwell the Malmaison salver, and Mr. Prior the vase for -the best display of greenhouse ferns. The next year it was arranged that -the vase should go to Mr. Johnson, the salver to Mr. Thompson, and so -forth. By the adoption of this admirable plan the judges were saved a -large amount of trouble, and there never was any friction between the -competitors, for it was understood that if it was Prior's year for the -lily medal, but he had a liking for any other prize, he could nearly -always negotiate an exchange with the man whose turn had come for the -award that he fancied. This principle of give and take, live and -let live, had made the Mallingham Society one of the most popular -floricultural organisations in the country, and its adoption by the -Thurswell Committee of the Manor House prize brought about, as has been -said, an entire cessation of that ill-feeling which led to the use -of language that was certainly not the language of flowers, and to -many-discreditable scenes even when there were no arrests made. The -cause of peace has triumphed, though some people say that floriculture -languishes through the lack of heal thy rivalry; for when every man is -certain of the prize when his turn comes for it, he does not trouble -about the flowers. There may be something in this suggestion. - -Taking one consideration with another, it really does seem a pity that -the rotation system is not more widely accepted by those societies which -have been established for the encouragement of sundry excellent objects, -such as the breeding of bull-dogs (for symbolic purposes), of pugs -(of no use to any one when they are bred), of pigs (of which the -prize-winner is invariably the most uneatable), and of pets (in various -forms). In our neighbourhood such organisations are to be numbered by -the dozen, and after every prize distribution the air is murmurous with -the complaints of disappointed competitors. It was a shrewd farmer who -suggested to me the principle on which the awards are made at our local -dog show. "The reason why there's so much grumbling, sir, is because the -judges look at the wrong end of the leash," he said, and I understood -what he meant. - -[Illustration: 0061] - -I know that the impression is very general that the pedigree of the -exhibitor rather than that of the exhibit influences the local judges. - -But I must confess that I could not bring myself to sympathise with one -of our new residents who, after living in London all his life, bought -Harley Croft House, a 40 h.p. motor-car and six pairs of gaiters, and -set up as a country gentleman. It must be acknowledged that at times he -looked a colourable imitation of one. He hoped that his starting of -the breeding of cattle and fowl would consolidate his position. But his -researches in the literature of both subjects at the same time resulted -in some confusion. Of course his pointing out some drab-tinted cows -to the steward of the Manor and alluding to them definitely as Buff -Orpingtons was a slip that any one might make; but to hope to win -sympathy for a wrong done to him by the judges at the poultry show by -affirming that his bantam cock was really twice the size of the one to -which the prize had been awarded was, I think, a strategical mistake of -a flagrant character. - -Much more in the spirit of the country gentleman was the remark made to -me by a neighbour who hunts five days a week in winter and talks about -hunting seven days a week in the summer, on a purely literary subject. -He had been at the Military Tournament in London the year that _The -Merchant of Venice_ was being played at Her Majesty's Theatre, and he -confided in me that he thought on the whole it was very fine indeed, -though for his part he enjoyed _The Runaway Girl_ at the Gaiety more -fully. He could not quite understand the point of some of the jokes in -_The Merchant of Venice_, he said. For instance, he should like to know -what there was to laugh at in the chap's saying to the Jew that some one -had shown him a turquoise which he had bought from the Jew's daughter -for a monkey. Any one who knew anything about precious stones knew that -to pay a monkey for a single turquoise, even though set in an 18-carat -ring, was to pay a fair price. Of course you couldn't get much of a -diamond ring for twenty-five pounds; but you could get a first-rate -turquoise for half the money. But there were some people, he knew, -who would laugh at any joke if they were only told it was in a play of -Shakespeare's. I agreed with him, and laughed. - -That was not the sort of man who would make a fool of himself over -Buff Orpingtons or cherish his bantams in proportion to their size and -weight. - - - - -CHAPTER FOUR--THE COMEDIES OF THE COUNTRY HOUSE - - - - -I.--LESSEES FROM THE MIDLANDS - -IT WAS THE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE second generation of one of the -shirt-sleeves families of the midlands who took a lease of Nethershire -Castle, the finest mansion in our neighbourhood. The Court of Chancery -had decreed that it might be let for a term of years, the length of -which was fixed by certain Commissioners in Lunacy, for Sir Ralph -Richards had been in the care of a specialist in mental diseases for -a long time, and it was understood that there were little hopes of his -ever being able to enjoy his own again. Higgins was the name of the -lessee from the north, and with his wife and family he had occupied the -Castle for close upon ten years. He was a simple enough man as regards -his tastes: he could not appreciate the beauty of the cedar wood ceiling -of the banqueting hall or the Renaissance carved panels of the library. -The splendid Gainsboroughs and Romneys of the Long Gallery made no more -appeal to him than did the Van Dycks in the great hall or the three -Fragonards of the drawing-room. He was quite satisfied with the -reputation of having sufficient money to pay for the privilege of living -in the midst of these masterpieces and of keeping about an acre and -a half of roof in good repair: he knew more about the advantages of -close-fitting slates than of the methods of eighteenth-century English -artists or of fifteenth-century Italian carvers. - -His wife, however, valued to the full the artistic privileges of -living in so splendid a house, and she was not one to shrink before the -searching glances of Frances Anne, the wife of the first baronet of the -house of Richards, as painted by Sir Joshua, sacrificing to Venus, or -to assume that Lady Elizabeth had turned aside from making a libation -to Hymen--Hymen demanded quite as many sacrifices as Venus on -eighteenth-century canvases--to ask her what right she had to sit in the -seats of the Richards of Nethershire Castle. She knew what her husband -paid in the way of rent, and she felt that the same was large enough to -avert from her any indignant look that a sentimentalist might imagine on -the face of the most malevolent family portrait. In fact, Mrs. Higgins -considered the sum large enough to allow of her assuming the attitude of -the patroness in regard to the pictures: she had actually been heard by -a friend of the Richards to express a critical opinion respecting the -pose of the daughter of the second baronet--the one who became well -known as the Countess of Avonwater--in Romney's picture of her as -Circe, and to suggest that the charger of Lieut.-Colonel Jack Churchill -Richards--he was called after his father's great commander--in the -picture by Sir Godfrey Kneller was scarcely large enough to make a polo -pony. It was, however, clearly understood that these criticisms were -offered by the lady only by way of establishing her rights over the -contents of the mansion so long as her husband paid so handsomely as he -did for the privilege of such an entourage. She had probably heard of -certain rights-of-way being maintained by a formal walking over the -ground to which they referred, by the claimant, once a year, and so she -thought it well to walk over the pictures, so to speak, now and again to -show that she understood the rights of her position. She really felt -the greatest pride in everything, and in the course of a few years her -feeling in regard to them was that of a conscientious descendant from -illustrious ancestors. She was much prouder of them than the modern -Major-General in _Patience_ was of his ancestors acquired by purchase. - -A visit that I paid to the Castle in the temporary possession of the -family of Higgins was illuminating. I went not because I had ever met -either Mr. or Mrs. Higgins, but because I was acquainted with Miss -Richards, a charming old lady who was the sister of the unhappy baronet, -and had been born in the Castle and lived there for twenty-five or -thirty years, only leaving for the dower-house on the death of her -mother. - -Miss Richards was on the friendliest terms with the tenants of her old -home, and I could see that they were pleased to welcome all the friends -whom she might bring with her to see the wonders of the Castle. But it -was Mrs. Higgins who "did the honours" of the picture gallery, when we -went thitherward after tea one lovely afternoon in sum mer shortly after -I had come to Thurswell. It was Mrs. Higgins who assumed the rle of -Cicerone and told me all about the pictures, and gave me duodecimo -biographies of the originals with all the familiarity that one would -expect only from a member of the family. Miss Richards stood by smiling -quite pleasantly, even when Mrs. Higgins looked at her, saying something -about a pink-coated Captain Richards by Raeburn, and I was disposed to -laugh at the comedy of Mrs. Higgins of Lancashire telling Miss Richards -of Nethershire something confidential about Captain Richards, her -great-granduncle! - -I admired the picture, but not nearly so much as I did the coolness of -Mrs. Higgins and the kindly toleration of Miss Richards. - -"And this is the portrait by Thornhill of Miss Esther Richards, who -afterwards married General Forster, who took part in the American War, -and to avenge the murder of poor Andr--he called it murder, though, -of course, some people think that Andr was really a spy," said Mrs. -Higgins. "Doesn't it seem strange to think of that sweet little girl-" - -"Oh, pardon me," cried Miss Richards, "you are not quite right. That is -Lotitia Richards by North-cote. She married Sir Charles Brewster, who -was killed at Waterloo." - -"Oh no," said the tenant, "you are quite wrong. I assure you that this -is Esther. Your Lotitia is the girl in Oriental costume in the library." - -"My dear Mrs. Higgins, how could I possibly be mistaken over such a -matter?" said Miss Richards. "My dear mother told me how Letty Brewster -came here one day when she was eighty-two years of age, and how pathetic -it was to see her stand before her own picture done when a girl; but my -mother said that really some of the charm of the picture--she had lovely -eyes, as you can see--was apparent on the face of the dear old lady of -eighty-two." - -"I am afraid that you are mixing this picture with another," said Mrs. -Higgins quite good-naturedly. - -And then Miss Richards gave a laugh. - -"We had better pass this picture and look at one which could not -possibly be mixed up with another," she said. "I hope you will agree -with me in believing that this is Hoppner's Lady Charlotte Richards, -Mrs. Higgins." - -"Oh yes, you are quite right about _that one_," said Mrs. Higgins as -graciously as a governess commending the right answer given by an errant -pupil. "Oh yes, that is Lady Charlotte. I believe she became pious and -wrote a hymn. You have heard that, I suppose, Miss Richards?" - -"I do believe I did," replied Miss Richards. "In fact, I have the tiny -volume of hymns which she wrote. She was under the influence of Lady -Huntingdon." - -But Mrs. Higgins clearly took very little interest in Lady Huntingdon, -and she went down the gallery making mistake after mistake; but Miss -Richards never attempted to correct her--only once she caught my eye. -Mrs. Higgins had attributed the Master Richards of Lawrence to Sir Peter -Lely! - -We were far away from the Castle before we had our laugh. - -"Wasn't it really funny?" said Miss Richards. - -"I think that you must be the most even-tempered person in the county, -if not in all England," said I. - -The friendly relations existing between the two ladies were not at all -changed by the persistent patronage of the picture gallery by the one -who was the tenant, and Mrs. Higgins was always ready to offer a hearty -welcome to any of Miss Richards' friends and to do the honours of the -Castle. I did not, however, trespass upon her hospitality a second time. - -A year or two later I met a curious sort of gentleman who bore the same -name as that of a family of considerable importance--county importance, -I should say, for outside a ten-mile radius they are, as is usually -the case, absolute nonentities. I had heard some say, however, that the -family grounds included a rather wonderful fountain which I thought -I should like to see. I asked the man if he was any relation to the -family, and he replied, brightening up wonderfully, that they were his -cousins. - -"I believe they have a nice place," said I. "Isn't there a fountain that -came from the Villa Borghese? I am greatly interested in that sort of -thing." - -"You must mean the one with the mermaids," said he. - -"I dare say that is the one," said I. - -"If you go in for things like that you should certainly see it," he -cried. "Let me see how I can manage it." - -"You are very kind," said I. "But I could not think of bothering you in -the matter. I dare say that some day I shall have a chance----" - -"I have it," he cried. "The family are going away for a fortnight at -Easter, and when they are gone I could easily show you over the grounds. -I'll just make sure of the day they leave, so that there may be no -mistake." - -In spite of a promise of such lavish hospitality, I resisted the -temptation of being shown over the grounds in the way that was proposed: -the fact being that I had no confidence in my own ability to act the -part of the housekeeper's nephew or the second footman's uncle who are -admitted to the great house when the family are away. - -I trust, however, that I convinced the enterprising cousin of the great -house that I fully appreciated his spirited offer to allow me a peep at -the Borghese fountain through a chink in the back door, as it were. - -I learned subsequently that the great family started in a tannery in -Mallingham a hundred and twenty years ago. It was no wonder that any one -in my station of life could only be expected to approach their demesne -by a back way. - - - - -II.--THE LEGENDS OF THE COUNTRY HOUSE - -On the subject of great houses, I may venture to say, it has always -seemed to me to show a singular lack of imagination on the part of some -one that one legend should be forced to do duty for so large a group, -and this legend so devoid of any stimulating quality. It seems to me -that the legends of the country houses of England are, like all Gaul, -divided into three parts. All through the south one is shown the room -in the mansion in which Queen Elizabeth slept. There is scarcely a Tudor -house in which that particular monarch did not sleep for at least one -night of her life, and so highly cherished is this family tradition that -I have known of cases in which she slept in a room at least sixty -years before the mansion itself was built. Then around London one is -constantly pointed out by local antiquaries the house in which Nell -Gwyn lived. "Madam Ellen" certainly seemed given to "flitting." A dozen -houses at least are associated with her name. North of the Tweed we are -confronted with the Mary Queen of Scots and the Bonnie Prince Charlie -legends. Any story that fails to touch upon the vague history of the -worthies whom I have ventured to name as presiding over each department -of tradition, seems to be regarded as uninteresting. Although monarchs -of quite as blessed memory as Queen Elizabeth must have slept in many -mansions in their time, yet few rooms are consecrated to the memory -of their slumbers, and although many ladies of the Court were quite as -deserving of having their memory enshrined or ensign-ed in the name of -a fully licensed public-house as Evelyn's "Impudent Comedian," yet none -seem to be regarded as so good a draw as Nell Gwyn. The chairs of Mary -Queen of Scots are as plentiful as the mementoes of the other Stuart -worthies. I myself have seen in a mansion an Italian cabinet which I -was assured had belonged to Queen Mary. But when I asked for evidence on -this point I found that there was none forthcoming. I did not get so -far as to make such an inquiry in the case of a mahogany looking-glass -offered to me by a foolish dealer south of the Tweed, who declared that -it had been in the possession of the same unfortunate lady. It was not -to me, however, that another dealer tried to sell a dagger that had once -been worn by the Young Pretender, the proof of its authenticity being -displayed in the roughly cut initials "Y.P.," evidently the work of -Bonnie Prince Charlie himself, on the leather sheath. - -Generally speaking, I think it may be assumed that no monarch ever slept -in a room that was not built until he had been dead for a hundred years. -Fifty years should be accepted as the minimum for such an incident. -And the probabilities are that no relic of even the most easy-going -sovereign should be accepted as authentic that was not made within at -least ten years from the date of his or her death. - -As for the legends of the member of the family who was known as "the -wicked lord" or "Black Sir Ughtred," there is a tiresome sameness about -them all, and most of them should be treated as overworn coins and -called in. For instance, there is the story of the dreadfully wicked man -of property--his portrait is usually in a panel over the fireplace in -the hall--who provoked a neighbour of whom he was jealous to fight a -duel with him after dinner one afternoon. They used pistols, taking aim -across the table that bore the decanters and wineglasses, and the wicked -gentleman shot his friend through the heart, but escaped the -consequences of the fell deed by inducing his companions to announce to -the world that the man had died simply of heart failure. The story is -plausible enough, if you assume that the coroner and the sheriff and all -the other authorities were three-bottle men, and it is easy to suppose -that in the early eighteenth century such high officials might be so -described; but there is no necessity to wind up the story by showing the -visitor the mark that the bullet made in the linen-fold wainscoting of -the dining-room. You see, that striking evidence of the scrupulous -accuracy of the story makes it essential for you to believe that the -fatal bullet passed through the worthy gentleman's heart and slued round -his backbone before lodging in the woodwork behind him, and this is -asking too much. - -I do not suppose that there is a Parliamentary Division of any county in -England that does not contain a mansion with a room in which this duel -was fought. Upon one occasion I visited a lesser country house where -I happened to know a duel had been fought in the dining-room in the -eighteenth century. I did not venture to inquire of the owner if he had -heard of that tragic incident: I did not believe that he had; but when -I was examining a very spurious picture attributed to Canaletto, after -admiring a dexterous forgery of a rocky landscape by Salvator Rosa, he -drew my attention to a portrait of a "black-avised" gentleman in a wig, -and the story of the historical duel came out at once. - -"I must show you the panel in the dining-room that was splintered by the -bullet," said my host; and though I did not insist, he kept his word. - -"It is said," he continued, when I was looking at the imperfect -woodwork, "that the fellow was so stricken with remorse that he -would never allow the panel to be repaired, in order that he might be -constantly reminded of his deed; and it's a tradition in our family that -it is never to be repaired, so there it is to-day." - -I did not make myself objectionable to the family by assuring them -that they might send for the carpenter any time they pleased without -offending the shades of their ancestors, for it so happened that that -particular duel was fought with swords and not with pistols. - - - - -III.--FATE OF THE FAMILY PORTRAITS - -In connection with family traditions and family portraits there are -bound to be some grimly humorous episodes with the lapse of time, owing -to the exactions of those Chancellors of the Exchequer who have held -office since the creation of the Death Duties, as they are called. When -a man with no ready money of his own inherits an estate that has not -paid its expenses for many years, and a splendid mansion containing -about fifty pictures, which, according to the most recent auction-room -prices, may be worth from 100,000 to 150,000--people at picture sales -think in pounds and bid in guineas--the question that at once presents -itself is how to meet the demands of Somerset House. The fortunate heir, -without a penny in his pocket, is called on to hand over from 10,000 -to 15,000, according to his relationship to the late owner, and he -wonders how he is to do it. In some cases that have come under my notice -the only feasible way out of the difficulty has been taken, and some -of the pictures have been sold in order to pay for the privilege of -retaining the others. In the case of some historical mansions, however, -every picture in the gallery is perfectly well known to the world, and -the heir has a good many more qualms about selling any of them than -Charles Surface had about disposing of his collection, with the -exception of "the little ill-looking fellow over the settee." He -feels--if he is capable of any feeling at all--that he is selling his -own flesh and blood, and he always wonders what people will say when -they come to visit the historical house and find blank panels in which, -for perhaps two or three hundred years, stately figures of men and -graceful figures of women had appeared. - -What is he to do in such circumstances, while he is thinking his -thoughts on a settee in the hall, and the Chancellor of the Exchequer -is pulling away like mad at the wrought-iron bell handle outside and -telling the butler that his instructions are not to leave the place -until his bill is paid? - -It seems that there is only one way by which the honour of the family -can be preserved. There are trusty agents who can negotiate for an -immediate and a secret sale of certain of the pictures. These are taken -out of their frames or out of their panels, copies are made and put -where the originals had been for years, and when the latter are passed -on to New York or Chicago, unsuspecting lovers of Art stand beneath -copies in admiration of the power of the Masters! - -That is how the honour of the great family remains untarnished, while -the Chancellor of the Exchequer strikes a match on one of the stone -columns of the porch, lights his cigarette, and goes jauntily down the -avenue with a large cheque in his breast-pocket. - -All very well this for the time being; but a little comedy may possibly -take place some years later, when once again Death Duties have to be -paid, and probably at an increased rate per cent. No note may have been -made of the pictures that were sold, and the copies have been subjected -to the admiration of visitors without a misgiving. There are, I -happen to know, copyists of Sir Joshua Reynolds and others of Thomas -Gainsborough, Romney, Raeburn, Lawrence, and the rest, of such skill in -reproducing the style of their particular Master that only the cleverest -connoisseur could say, after the lapse of a year or two, which are the -originals and which the copies. How, then, is a valuation to be made -when the new owner enters upon his inheritance? - -I fancy that it will be discovered Masters than were suspected of it had -made replicas of their greatest works, and shipped off one to Chicago -while selling the other to the great English families who gave them the -order a hundred years or so ago. - - - - -CHAPTER FIVE--THE COUNTY, OLD AND CRUSTED - - - - -I.--THE STRANGERS - -WHEN THE LATE MR. W. P. FRITH WAS AT the height of his fame, and -engravings of his "Derby Day" and "The Railway Station" contested for -prominence on the flowery flock-papered walls of many drawing-rooms with -Landseers "Monarch of the Glen," he went to pay a visit to his daughter -in a southern county, and she has placed it on record that when she -mentioned his name to the leaders of Society in various localities it -conveyed nothing to them. - -Why should it convey anything to them? He did nothing but paint all his -life. Fame in painting, in music, in writing, means nothing--in many -cases rather less than nothing--to the society of any English county. If -the man had brought down a couple of hunters and gone out three times a -week to hounds, the people in his division of the county would talk -to you of him and look on you with astonishment if his name conveyed -nothing to you; and the wife of a retired country doctor who takes -up what is known as Church work--organising village teas and village -concerts and Sunday "Unions"--is at once accorded a position that counts -as fame in such communities in England. - -But if it were not for observing these features in country life nothing -of its lighter side would be apparent. There is nothing so comical as a -picture in which all the laws of perspective are ignored; and living in -a country town in England is like placing oneself in the position of the -man in Edgar Allan Poe's story who, looking out of his window, saw -an immense and hideous monster--a thing with splay feet and a huge -proboscis--stalking with mighty steps across a distant lawn, and was -greatly perturbed until he discovered that the creature was only an -ordinary sort of spider walking across one of the strands of its web, -which was drawn across the window pane. - -Every day one may have experience of people living in the midst of such -distorted perspective--fancying that the commonplace insects that move -before them are creatures of enormous proportions and importance, and -quite as frequently assuming that because an object appears small to -them, being far away from them, it is quite insignificant. If one -cannot find humour in observing the attitude of people who ignore the -conditions of perspective in this way, one must be stolid indeed. - -A typical inhabitant complained to me very bitterly some time ago of -having just discharged a very thankless duty in respect of a stranger -who, at the instigation of his brother--a London barrister of some -repute--had called upon him in motoring through the county. He admitted -that the stranger was a nice enough sort of man, but wholly devoid of -appreciation of the relative importance of the persons whose houses were -pointed out to him from the summit of the old castle which the stranger -had been anxious to visit. - -"I showed him Lord Riverland's place--as much of it as we could see -through the trees--but all he said was, 'Who is Lord Riverland?'" -continued the man, pouring his complaint into my ear. "And then I told -him that just beyond Eglam Church was the Shillingdales' place. 'Funny -name, Shillingdale!' was all that he remarked; but when we were leaving -the castle he saw the gable of Maxfield's house sticking out, and he -took a fancy to that tumbledown place and asked who lived there. I told -him. 'Maxfield,' he said. 'Not Laurence Maxfield, I suppose?' I said -that I believed his name was Laurence. 'What! Laurence Max-field, the -painter?' Yes, I said, I heard he was something in that line. Well, -you should have seen his face at that. 'How can I ever thank you -sufficiently for pointing out that house to me?' he cried. And when -we got down to the road he kept hovering about that place, and once he -said, 'What kind fate led me here to-day? And yet I might have gone away -without so much as glancing at the house of Laurence Max-field!' Now, -is it any wonder that I almost lost my temper? I had pointed out to the -fellow Riverland Park and Shillingdale Hall, and yet I don't believe he -ever heard of Lord Riverland, or knew that Captain Shillingdale had been -made a D.L. for the county! But he almost became maudlin over the two -old cottages that Maxfield knocked into one! A painter! The idea of -making a fuss over a painter!" - -"You forget that the man was a total stranger to our neighbourhood," -said I. "You must make allowances: he knew no better." - -He said he supposed the fellow really did know no better; and I am -convinced that in his own way he abused his visitor to his wife for -the man's deplorable lack of all sense of proportion, to ignore the -privilege of having a distant view of the mansion of a deputy-lieutenant -of an English county and feasting his eyes on the cottage of a painter! - - - - -II.--THE INSECT AND THE MAMMOTH - -A more amusing example still of the insect being taken for the -mammoth was given to me by the person whose mammoth-like proportions -(intellectually) were neglected because all eyes were directed upon the -passage of an insignificant local insect across the line of vision. - -He was a literary man whose name is known and respected in every part -of the world--not merely in that narrow republic known as the world -of letters. He was staying for a week at the house of a friend, when a -lady, who was getting up a charity concert at Ringdon, calling at the -house one day, and being told in a whisper by one of the daughters of -the family when walking through the garden that they had a celebrity -with them, entreated him to "do" something for the entertainment of her -audience: she didn't mind what it might be that he would do, if he only -agreed to do something. - -Now it so happened that the lady had a more potent qualification -than persistence in making an appeal to a man--she was extremely -good-looking--and the man could not resist her importunity. He pro-mised -to tell some short stories at the concert, and, in accordance with the -terms of his promise, he turned up in the schoolhouse where the concert -was to take place, supported by his host and two of the family. But the -charming lady had not mentioned the fact that the entertainment was -to supplement a parochial tea, and when they arrived this part of the -programme was scarcely over. There were no printed programmes; only the -clergyman who presided had before him a list of the performers and the -nature of their performances, and he at once called upon a young woman -who played very prettily on the piano. A young man, who professionally -was the assistant to the Ringdon baker, was then called upon to sing the -"Death of Nelson," which he did without faltering. When the applause had -died away the clergyman rose from his chair and said-- - -"My dear friends, we have with us this evening a gentleman who has very -kindly consented to contribute to our entertainment. He is a gentleman -with whose name you will all be familiar. Were he not present I should -like to refer more particularly to his honourable career; for in his -presence I feel that it would not be good taste to do so, and, besides, -he is so modest that I know he would be set blushing even though I were -only to say one-half of all that was his due. My dear friends, I call -upon you to give a hearty welcome to Mr. Reuben Robinson, who has come -all the way from Netherham to give you his entertainment familiar to you -all, I am sure, under the title of 'Charlie and Charlotte.'" - -The amateur ventriloquist went on the platform with his horrid puppets, -and the young people cheered him for several minutes. - -Later in the evening the clergyman, without any preliminary discourse, -called upon the literary celebrity to tell his stories. Now throughout -the world this writer is known as Alec Bidford, and now for the first -time in his life he heard himself alluded to as Alexander Bedford; and -it became clear to him that the good clergyman had never heard his name -before! - -Happily the victim of the beautiful lady's importunity has a keen sense -of humour, as any one who goes farther than the parson did, and reads -one of his books, will not need to be told, and I have never heard him -more humorous than when he refers to his selfconsciousness while the -clergyman was dealing with the fame achieved by--Mr. Reuben Robinson, -the amateur ventriloquist, who had come all the way miles from the -village of Netherham, where he sold bacon in the daytime. I do not -know what Alec Bid-ford's opinion is, but I do know that there are some -people who believe that this sort of discipline is good for one, whether -one may be a literary celebrity or some lesser personage. An appearance -in a Court of Law usually serves the same purpose; but it must be more -than irritating to a man whose name is known to and honoured by every -member of his own profession to be treated in the court with no more -consideration than is extended to the merest nonentity. The judge -professes never to have heard his name mentioned before, and, if he has -been a witness, refers to his evidence without thinking it necessary -to give him the ordinary prefix of "Mr." I have seen six of the most -distinguished literary men in England--popular men, too, as well as -geniuses--give evidence in a Court of Law, and yet the calling out of -name after name did not cause even one of the solicitors' clerks to -raise his head from the paper which he was reading, and the jurymen -chatted together without being in the smallest degree impressed by the -prospect of hearing the great one's voice. - -This also is discipline, I suppose. At any rate, it suggests that a -provincial town is not the only place where a sense of proportion is -lacking. - - - - -CHAPTER SIX--THE OLD COUNTY TOWN - - - - -I.--IN THE HIGH STREET - -IF OUR THURSWELL IS A TYPICAL English village, assuredly Mallingham is -a typical country town, only inclining to the picturesque side rather -than the sordid. Like most picturesque towns, it is more highly -appreciated by strangers than by its own inhabitants. Its one long -street crawls along a ridge of the Downs, and from the lower level -of the road that skirts this ridge and meanders among fat farms and -luscious meadows, with an old Norman church here and there embowered in -immemorial elms and granges mentioned in _Domesday Book_, steep lanes -of old houses climb to the business street. It is really impossible to -reach the town without a climb of some sort; and this fact, which made -the site an ideal one, from the standpoint of the mediaeval founders of -its walls and gates, remnants of which may yet be discovered by any one -searching for them in a true archaeological spirit, causes a good deal -of grumbling among the residents on both levels, who have to face many -climbs in the course of an ordinary day's work. But motoring strangers, -who pass through the town by the hundred every day, travelling between -the two fashionable coast resorts, glance down the narrow lanes and say, -"How simply lovely!" or "Doesn't it remind you of Nuremberg?" Perhaps -it does remind them of Nuremberg--I have known people who affected to -be reminded of Sorrento at Brighton--but for my part Mallingham only -reminds me of an English country town, the convenient centre for a -ten-mile area of villages. Enough business is done in its properly -called High Street to allow of two banks keeping their doors open, and -of half a dozen shopkeepers making modest fortunes in the course of a -hundred years or so, and retiring from their half-timbered places of -business to the avenue of red brick villas with well fires and radiators -which an enterprising "developer" of one of the manors perceived to be -a long-felt want. But the shops go on from generation to generation with -the old names over the front, and in many cases with the family of the -new generation living on the premises in the good old way. Only in this -sense, however, may the tradesmen be said to be "above their business"; -there is not the least disposition on the part of any of them to appear -anything beyond what they are, for the simple reason that they do not -think that the world holds anything better than a Mallingham tradesman. -And, indeed, I am not sure that the world holds anything less ambitious. -The aspirations of most of them do not go beyond the acquiring of a -plate-glass frontage. Occasionally this dream literally crystallises, -and when the crates are known to be actually awaiting delivery at -the Goods Station, the "consignee" of the waybill is pointed out to -strangers by the simple casement shopkeepers with bated breath and an -occasional break in the voice. It is understood that the plate-glass -front can only be achieved by a limited number of traders, and for years -it was accounted a gross piece of presumption for any one whose lineage -as a shopkeeper could not be traced through at least three generations -of bill-heads to make a move in the direction of a "front"; but just -before last Christmas a bolt from the blue fell upon the astonished -town, for the two demure old ladies who kept a small millinery shop -(with gloves and table linen at the farther end) put up bills on -their small latticed window announcing a cheap sale in consequence of -"impending alterations." Now that particular shop front had remained -unchanged for certainly a hundred and fifty years--perhaps two hundred -and fifty years--and the two old maiden ladies who had looked after it -for close upon half a century seemed the most conservative of persons, -so it was taken for granted that the alterations which were "impending" -had reference only to the affixing of a new sun-blind in good time for -the summer, or perhaps an outside lamp to make the winter nights more -cheerful. - -After a considerable amount of discussion on the subject an informal -deputation waited upon the ladies to obtain information on a matter -which, it was understood, affected the well-being of the whole -community, and which was approaching a stage when a specific -pronouncement one way or another was absolutely necessary. - -Then it was that the truth was revealed. The maiden ladies had, -they confessed, been surreptitiously discussing the putting in of a -plate-glass front, and they had come to the conclusion that as they -were both old and life at best was uncertain, they should not any longer -procrastinate the carrying out of a scheme which the growth of the town -and its increasing importance fully warranted, they thought. - -It took just four days to fix the new front in its place; but it was the -topic of the town for months, and even now you will see an occasional -group of town people discussing the innovation and wondering what things -are coming to. - -The dimensions of the topic were, as I ascertained for my own -satisfaction, nine feet broad by seven feet high. This was the _premier -pas_. It led to the extravagance of a sunk letter sign, picked out -in gold, an outside lamp, and a spring sun-blind, all of the most -conventional pattern, and all to my mind in the condition of the "party -in a parlour" in the Wordsworth parody. In short, a charming old house -with many features of interest was transformed into a foolish hybrid -thing--a single sheet of plate-glass on the ground floor, beneath -two pairs of small cottage casements with delightful stone eaves. So -prosperity turns out the picturesque or, at least, relegates it to the -basement, and so a street with all the charm of past centuries clinging -to it is fast becoming commonplace, and strangers driving through it -laugh at the feeble attempts to give the commercial air of Harrods to -a row of cottages--about as sensible a proceeding as it would be to -attempt to assimilate the faade of Hampton Court with that of Hampton's -in Pall Mall. - -Happily there are still some sixteenth-century eaves left and also some -eighteenth-century bow windows--the gentle curved bow of the -eighteenth century, not the detestable obtuse-angle things of the -mid-nineteenth--and happily the spirit of commercial enterprise does -not pervade the entire community. Several of the houses that have been -turned into shops contain admirable chimneypieces and panelled rooms, -with an occasional fire-back and basket grate. It seems, too, that there -must have lived in the place a century or so ago a master workman with a -great fancy for decorating chimneypieces after the style of Adam; for -in many of the rooms of sixteenth-century houses may be found quite good -examples of the early style of Robert Adam. In one house there is a fine -parlour decorated throughout in this way. - - - - -II.--PRECIOUS PANELLING - -Some time ago a mason, while doing some repairs in a room in a very old -timbered house, disclosed some oak panelling which probably belonged -to the sixteenth century. The news of the discovery went abroad, and a -collector of "antiques" in the neighbourhood bought the woodwork for -a hundred pounds--far more than it was worth, of course, but that is -nothing; the effect of the find and of the sale was disastrous to the -occupants of other old houses, for they forthwith summoned masons and -carpenters and began pulling down their walls, feeling sure that a -hundred pounds' worth of panelling was within their reach. They were all -disappointed; for several years had passed before the landlord of the -chief hotel--it had once been the county town house of a great local -family--found behind the battens which served as the stretchers of the -canvas that bore some very common paper in his coffee-room, a long range -of oak wainscoting covered with paint. The usual local antiquary made -his appearance, and through dilating upon its beauty and abusing the -vandalism that had spread those coats of paint upon the oak, induced the -landlord to give the order to have the panels "stripped" and made good. -He little knew what he had let himself in for! The carpenters and the -painters attacked the room with spirit (of turpentine), and for weeks it -remained in their hands; for it was found that at least twenty coats of -paint were upon the woodwork, and that a great portion of it was only -held together by the paint, so that with the removal of this binding -medium the panels became splinters. - -Before the end of a profitless six weeks the good landlord was wishing -with all his heart that that relic of a bygone period had been allowed -to rest comfortably buried beneath the papered canvas that had entombed -it all. The bill that he had to pay for the restoration was for such a -sum as would have been sufficient to buy the same quantity of absolutely -new panelling, he explained to some people to whom he went for sympathy! -He laid great stress upon the fact that he could actually have got new -panelling for the price of repairing the old! - -[Illustration: 0103] - -And this was the spirit in which a far-seeing but non-antiquarian lady, -who lived in another ancient house in the same street, received the -liberal offer of a gentleman from the United States who had taken a -fancy to her oak staircase. It was a commonplace type and might be found -by the dozen in any old town; but he told her that he would pay her a -hundred pounds for it, and she jumped at his offer. The staircase was -carted away and a new one of serviceable deal, absolutely fresh from the -carpenter's shop, was put in its place. - -Her example induced a relation of hers--also a maiden approaching the -venerable stage--to sell the panelling of one room, the fireplace of -another, the Georgian pillared cupboards of a third, and actually -the old black and white slabs of the square hall. Hearing of all this -selling going on, an enthusiast made her an offer for the pillared porch -of the house, and another for the leaden cistern on the roof and the -copper rain-water head. Last of all, a man who was building a house in -imitation of the old in the neighbourhood set covetous eyes upon her -twisted chimney-pots and some peculiar coping tiles on the roof. She -accepted every offer--with modifications; but when she had fulfilled her -part of the business she found herself a solitary figure amid the ruin -of a nice house, but with a nice little sum in her pocket. It was at -this juncture that an enterprising tradesman from Brindlington, who was -on the look out for "branches," came upon the half-dismantled house. -Thinking that it was about to be pulled down, he made inquiries about -it, and these he considered so satisfactory that he bought, at a good -price, all that the previous speculators had left of it, completed their -work of demolition, and within six months had erected upon the site -some "desirable business premises" in the cheapest red brick, with an -inconceivable broad expanse of plate-glass which he called somebody's -"Co-operative Stores." He had co-operated with so many people in -carrying out the work of destruction in regard to the old premises, it -seemed only fit that the same principle should be maintained in their -reconstruction. The place is only a branch establishment, but it is said -to be flourishing as well as the parent tree. - - - - -III.--THE AMENITIES OF THE HIGH STREET - -Every here and there between the shops in the High Street is a -house that has survived the request--it never amounts to a demand -in Mallingham--for "business premises." Quite unpretentious is the -appearance of all these houses, but the front door opens upon a hall -that is a hall, and not a mere passage to a narrow staircase. Admirably -proportioned rooms are to be found on every floor, and usually a door at -the farther end of the hall admits one to a garden, and not a mere patch -of green. Here are gardens that have been cultivated for hundreds of -years and so artfully designed that each of them has the appearance of a -park, with lawns, and terraces, and pergolas. Here, not thirty feet -back from the street, are acres of orchard, with mulberry trees of the -original stock introduced by James I. to make possible his scheme of -English silk weaving. The arbutus has also a home in several of -these surprising pleasure grounds, with several other rare but fully -acclimatised flowering shrubs. Shady walks among giant lilacs and -laburnums lead to banks of roses and beds of lilies, and hardy borders -of brilliant colour such as a stranger could never fancy might be found -in so unpromising a region. - -The lucky residents in these wonderful houses are usually extremely -exclusive--if they were not so, goodness only knows what might happen. -When a lady of good family finds herself living next door to a grocer -and an ironmonger, she is bound to take steps to prevent the possibility -of any one fancying that she belongs to that _galre_, and the steps -that some of them take with this fact in their mind are sometimes very -diverting. They usually assume the form of ignoring the existence, -not so much of the grocer and the ironmonger as of the other ladies -similarly situated. If you call upon Miss Wheatly at No. 10 High Street -and, after praising up her garden, refer to the garden of Miss Keightley -at No. 20, Miss Wheatley will express great interest, saying she has -often heard that Miss Keightley's garden is quite charming, but she -has never seen it for herself. Miss Keightley on her side may go -even further, and not merely pretend that she has never heard of Miss -Wheatley's garden, but also that she had no idea that any one named -Wheatley lived in the town. This is at first, but she occasionally -betrays a scrupulous anxiety to be accurate by asking, "What did you say -the name was? Wheatley? Oh yes, to be sure I remember hearing the other -day that a Miss Wheatley lived at No. 10. And you say she has a nice -garden?" - -And these good ladies may have been living within a few doors of one -another for forty odd years, and the father of the one may have been in -the butter trade, while the father of the other was in eggs. - -The social distinctions in a country town such as Mallingham are -sometimes very pathetic. It might be thought that the people would find -a bond of union in that illiteracy which they enjoy in common, or in -that profound ignorance of everything connected, however distantly, with -art or science in which they live from one end of the year to the other; -but one does not find it so. Mallingham is perhaps the most ill-informed -town in England on all matters pertaining to culture, whether literary -or artistic. A stranger who was unacquainted with this fact thought he -was scoring a point in a speech which he had been called on to make in -the absence of the Member for the Division at the annual banquet of -the Barham Trust--the most important incident of the winter in -Mallingham--when he remarked that he felt that the town must be the -centre of the greatest literary activity; for, motoring through the High -Street, he found on one of the shop signs the name Swift, on another -the name Smollett, a little farther on he came upon an Addison (great -applause), and finally he found himself close to the house of Hume. -Surely, he said, these names spoke for themselves. - -They had need to, for none of the lite of Mailingham could speak for -any of them, except Addison, for Mr. Addison was a pork butcher, who the -day before had been elected a member of the Corporation, after a hard -struggle with a saddler. It so happened that the bearers of all the -other literary names were not applaudable people--two of them were -definitely unpopular--but the name of Mr. Addison was received with -cheers, not by reason of his connection with _The Spectator_, but simply -because of his recent achievement, and no one at the banquet had the -least idea what the orator was referring to in bringing forward that -string of names. "He might surely have mentioned Mr. Fawley, who was -twice Mayor, or George Hanson, who has just bought the saw mills," a -prominent burgess remarked to me when I was in his shop the next day. -"But what has Peter Swift done, or Tom Smollett, or even Walter -Hume? Decent enough men, I don't deny, but out of place when named in -prominence at the Barham Banquet." - -I never met anyone in the town who had heard these names in any other -connection than that of Mailingham shopkeepers. - -Some time later a new curate at St Bartholomew's, when proposing a vote -of thanks to the chairman of one of his social meetings (with a magic -lantern and an amateur ventriloquist), became erudite and droll by -referring to "what Dr. Johnson said about music." The next day one -of the churchwardens--a land agent--asked him how on earth he could -attribute such a sentiment to Dr. Johnson. "I knew Dr. Johnson as well -as most people, and there never was a man in the town who enjoyed a -song better or knew better what a good song was," he said; and when the -perplexed curate recovered himself sufficiently to be able to explain -that there was another Dr. Johnson who said things besides the person of -the same name who had once enjoyed quite a large and lucrative practice -as a fully qualified veterinary surgeon at Mallingham, the churchwarden -smiled and shook his head. "As much as to say," the clergyman added in -telling me the story--"as much as to say that my excuse was far from -plausible, but that he would accept it to prevent the matter going -farther." - -That narrative I found to be beautifully typical of the literary -erudition of Mallingham. - - - - -IV.--THE TWO ICONOCLASTS - -Some four or five miles away are the imposing ruins of a great abbey -of the Franciscans. It had once been of so great importance in the land -that when the archabbey wrecker decreed that it should be demolished, -he sent his most trustworthy housebreaker to carry out his orders. Now -everybody of education in Mallingham can tell you all that is known -about the venerable ruin, and it is the pride of the town that it should -be so closely connected with the history of the Abbey; but I have never -yet met with any layman in the neighbourhood who was not under the -impression that the crime of its destruction should be added to the -pretty long account of that Cromwell who was called Oliver, and I should -not like to be the person who would suggest that there was another -Cromwell--one who did not decapitate his king, but whom his king -decapitated. - -For that matter, however, it must be acknowledged that the people of -Mallingham do not stand alone in mixing up those iconoclasts. I have -found that in many parts of England as well as Ireland every deficiency -in the features of a church figure or a church ornament is attributed to -the later Cromwell. In Ireland I have had pointed out to me by clergymen -of both churches the headless saints and the broken carvings caused by -the fury of "Cromwell," though I knew perfectly well that the work of -sacrilege could not have been done by him, for two reasons, the first -being that in his devastating progress through Ireland he had never -approached the places in question, and the second being that the sacred -buildings in which the damage was done had not been built until long -after Cromwell had sailed for England, after being soundly-beaten at -Clonmel. - -Of course in Ireland there was only one "curse of Cromwell"; but -in England I soon found that there were two, and so the progress of -confusion began, until at the present time, when you are visiting any -old church and see in a niche an adult saint with a broken nose, or a -carved rood screen deficient about the rood, the verger--sometimes the -rector himself--is quite fluent in explaining that the heavy hand of -Cromwell must be held accountable for the spoliation. If you ask which -of the two, the answer will most certainly be, "Why, Cromwell to be -sure--Cromwell--Oliver Cromwell." - -An outsider should not interfere. The shade of Oliver would not shudder, -even if such an expression of emotion were permitted the shadiest of -shades, at the accusation being directed against him instead of the -older Cromwell. He would probably say, if speech were allowed to him, -"I have the greatest possible satisfaction in allowing my name to be -associated with any act of iconoclasm of the nature of those acts so -conscientiously perpetrated by my distinguished countryman." - -He would feel that, could he have had any hand in smashing in the roofs -of monasteries and despoiling rich abbeys, it would be accounted to him -for righteousness. After such splendid acts of spoliation, knocking the -nose off a poorly carved saint could not but seem a paltry thing, quite -unworthy of any man with a reputation for a heavy hand to maintain. - -But Mallingham, for all its literary and historical ignorance, has its -heart in the right place; and it is staunch to Church and State--staunch -to the core. Every Fifth of November it has its procession emblematic -of these principles, and it must be confessed that the symbolism of -the movement is not exclusive. To express adequately the loyalty of -Mallingham, it is found necessary to set forth in marching order Turks, -male and female, Negroes, Zulus, Toreadors, Pierrots, Harlequins, -the Archbishop of Canterbury, Pirates, Mary Queen of Scots, Firemen, -Dragoons, William Shakespeare, a Sailor, and many other characters, all -of whom, it must be taken for granted, typify the triumph of Loyalty. -Should any question a-rise--for captious inquirers may always be -reckoned on in these days of high educational achievement--as to the -identity of the leading typical figure in this pageant and the reason -of the obloquy that is heaped upon him, culminating in the stake, with -foul-mouthed explosives, the answer is that he is one Guy Fox, and -that he is paying the penalty of having failed to blow up the Houses -of Parliament. After that explanation no one can doubt that, whoever he -was, he richly deserves his fate--or should it be spelt _fte?_ - -Occasionally co-opted with him is an unpopular person of distinction in -the neighbourhood--a clergyman who lies under the stigma of preaching -toleration, a police superintendent with a constitutional distaste for -bonfires and low-flash explosives in the public streets, or perhaps a -District Visitor suspected of "leanings." But usually by midnight the -worst is over, and good nature without intoxicants prevails throughout -the motley crowd; the Archbishop of Canterbury lights his cigarette--one -of the packet with the pictures--from that of the Pirate King; Mary -Queen of Scots hurries to the house where she discharges the duties of -parlour-maid, complaining to a sympathetic Shakespeare that she has to -be up at six in the morning to let in the sweep, and so home to bed. - -The only literary fact which is impressed upon all the townspeople is -that by some way never made quite clear, the singeing effigy, whose -obsequies have been so imposing, was responsible for a _Book of -Martyrs._ The general idea is that he was responsible for the martyrs -themselves, and that Foxes _Book of Martyrs_ is a sort of catalogue with -descriptive text of his victims. - -So, as has been stated, the two Cromwells have but a single identity in -the minds of Mallingham. - - - - -V.--THE SOCIAL "SETS" - -Of course there is in Mallingham, as in every other country town, a -first set and a second set--perhaps even a third, but that must be very -close indeed to the unclassed tradesmen set, which is no set at all. And -here it may be mentioned that the tradesmen's families are, as a rule, -very much more refined and almost invariably better educated than -the families of the first or second sets. Some years ago there was an -amateur performance of one of Mr. Sutro's delightful plays given in aid -of some deserving charity. Charity performances cover, as does Charity -itself, a multitude of sins, but the leading lady did not need to make -any appeal for leniency, so ably did she represent the part of the -refined woman who was not quite sure whether she loved her husband or -not. She was the daughter of a professional man, but had never succeeded -in getting into the first set; for it must be remembered that there -is no graduating from one set to another: one is either accepted -or rejected at once. A couple of years later, however, the play was -repeated, only this time it was under the highest patronage, so the -management resolved to get the real thing. They managed to secure the -services of a lady of title for the chief part, and the result was -appalling. The refinement had vanished from the part, so had the correct -pronunciation of the English language, so had the good taste in the -toilettes worn, so had every vestige of intelligence. In place of these -we were shown a pert young person with a voice like that of a barmaid -in a country inn and a taste in dress to correspond. In the matter of -memory for the words of the dialogue also the advantage was certainly on -the side of the humbler representative of the part. In one of Mr. Henry -James' most delightful short stories the catastrophe of "The Real -Thing" is depicted. It was not more pronounced than that of the second -representation of the comedy. - -[Illustration: 0113] - -It is really very difficult to understand what are the qualifications -for the best set in Mallingham; but somehow people usually find -themselves in the set that suits them, and very seldom do the rulers of -the social grades in Mallingham make a mistake. They have now and again -sailed very close to the wind, however; for that was a nasty rub they -got when they hastened to call upon a stranger, with the title of -Baroness, who had taken a house in the new part of the town and kept a -man-servant. As the story was told me, the ladies jammed one another in -the doorway in their anxiety to be the first caller upon the Baroness, -or Madame la Baronne, as the wife of a retired Indian civil servant -called her, having studied the idioms of the _Comdie franaise_. -Madame la Baronne was indeed a lady of great personal charm, and she was -invited everywhere--even to the villa of the wife of the leading -brewer, which represented a sort of Distinguished Strangers' Gallery in -Mallingham. The competition among the most select for the presence of -Madame at their houses was strenuous; and as she was in such demand -it really should not have been regarded as so surprising that a London -magistrate should send her a peremptory invitation by the hand of two -detectives to come to the court over which he presided. His messengers -would take no denial, he wanted her so badly, so she had perforce to -throw over her local engagements and grant the magistrate the favour -which he requested of her. - -Her portrait was in the _Daily Mirror_ the next day, in connection -with a startling series of headlines, beginning, "The Bogus Baroness -Again--Arrest at Mallingham." She was one of the most notorious -swindlers that France ever returned to her native shore, after a series -of exploits in Paris. - -The ladies of Mallingham ran up against one another in the porch of her -villa in their haste to get back the cards they had left upon her. - - - - -VI.--THE CASE OF MR. STANWELL - -That was what might be termed "a close call" upon the dignity and -discrimination of the leaders of Society in Mallingham, and this was -possibly why they held back when a man and his wife bearing the name -Stanwell took a house in the town. The lady seemed quite nice and the -man was passable, and before they had "settled down" it was noised -abroad that they had a car: it need scarcely be said that to "have a -car" is in country districts nowadays as sure a sign of respectability -as "driving a gig" was in the 'thirties. There seemed to be no reason -why these people should not be called upon by the leaders of Mallingham -Society; but the leaders were getting more cautious than ever since the -Baroness' scandal, and they hung back, none of them wishing to take a -step which it would be impossible to recall, and every day the question -of to call or not to call was informally discussed. It was just at this -critical moment, when the fate of the Stanwells was trembling in the -balance, so to speak, that one of the leaders was visited by a London -friend, and on the name Stanwell being mentioned, this person asked, -"Is that Herbert Stanwell, the author? It must be. I heard that he was -leaving London and going to live in the country. They are all going. -Soon we shall not have an author left in London; though I remember the -time when they all lived there." - -"This Mr. Stanwell has a car, I hear," was the "feeling" suggestion made -by the Mallingham lady. - -"So has Herbert Stanwell--he has been photographed in it dozens of -times. Dear me! To think of Herbert Stanwell coming down here!" was the -exclamation of the visitor; and the moment that she had gone back to -London her hostess rushed round to her partners in the government of -social Mallingham, and breathlessly announced that she had discovered -that Mr. Stanwell was an author and that Mrs. Stanwell was his wife. - -"Good heavens!" was the whispered exclamation from the syndicate. "Who -would have believed it? And we were actually thinking of calling upon -them! And they look quite respectable." - -"And have a car!" - -"Car, or no car, what I tell you is the truth. Is he not 'H. Stanwell?' -and the authors name is Herbert. There's no doubt about it. And my -friend, who knows everybody in London, said that Herbert Stanwell was -about to live in the country." - -She assumed the pose of a Princess Hohenstel Schwangau, saviour of -Society, and she and her friends talked of how providential were certain -incidents, let scoffers say what they might; for if she had not by the -merest accident--ah, a providential accident!--mentioned the name of the -Stanwells, no one would have known anything about them, and they might -have been visited quite in good faith. - -They parted, feeling that Providence was, very properly, mindful of -the best interests of Mallingham; and so it was decreed that the -newcomers--that pair who had made the attempt to get within the citadel -of Mallingham's exclusiveness, not storming it boldly, but by the -insidious device of concealing the fact that at least one of them was -the author of over twenty novels--were not to be called on, although -they had a car. - -Before a month had passed, however, _The Happy Home_, a magazine widely -circulated at Mallingham on account of its admirable paper patterns, -contained an interview with Herbert Wilfred Stanwell, giving an -excellent protrait of the distinguished author sitting (as usual) in -his motor-car, with his favourite Chow, _Ming_, beside him; and the -"letterpress" stated that he was unmarried, and that he had just taken -a charming cottage at Henley (illustrated), on the lawn of which -(illustrated), it might be taken for granted, all that was illustrious -in Literature, Art, and the Drama would be found at week-ends during the -summer, Mr. Stanwell's hospitality being proverbial. - -The next day cards were left upon Mr. H. Stanwell and his wife, and it -was universally admitted that they formed quite a congenial addition to -Mailing-ham Society. He was a pleasant man and she was a charming woman. -They came to Mallingham with a clean bill of health. Neither of them had -done anything in the world, and the only time their names had appeared -in the newspapers was when they had been married. They were nonentities -to their finger-tips, and they soon took a high place among the -nonentities of Mallingham. - -Mr. Stanwell sorrowfully admits that more than once he has been asked in -hotels in France and Italy if he was any relation to Herbert Stanwell, -the great author. It is very annoying, he says, but he hopes to live it -down. If he continues to live at Mallingham, he may be assured that his -hopes run every chance of being realised. - -It is greatly to be feared that the leading "note" of Mallingham is not -literature. It is Thurswell that occasionally lays claim to be a great -reading centre. It was in the most friendly spirit of honest patronage -that a lady addressed a letter to George Eliot, commending some of the -characters in _The Mill on the Floss_, but regretting that the story had -not a happy ending. - -"But it never reached him," she said. "I had sent it under cover to -the publishers, but they returned it to me, with a scrawl across it, -evidently done by a clerk, saying, '_Present address of_ George Eliot -not known, so, after all my trouble, it never reached him." - -Having mentioned _The Mill on the Floss_, I feel bound to say that -neither in Thurswell nor Mallingham did the sporting innkeeper live who, -on seeing a cheap edition of the book advertised, at once sent for it -and read the greater part of it before he found out that he had been too -hasty in taking for granted that it was written round a prizefight. A -"mill" meant to him primarily such an incident, and his excursions into -the magic realms of literature had practically been confined to the -spirited accounts given incertain weekly papers of such encounters. A -mill as an industrial building conveyed quite a secondary idea to him. -He admitted to a friend of mine who found the book in the bar parlour, -and wondered how it got he had been "had" over it, and his faith in the -accuracy of literary advertisements got a severe jar. How was he to -tell, he asked, that the chap meant another sort of mill? - -How, indeed? - - - - -CHAPTER SEVEN--THE PEOPLE OF MALLINGHAM - - - - -I.--THE MAYOR - -ONE OF THE PECULIARITIES OF MALLINGHAM is the Mayor, for Mallingham has -a Mayor all to itself, except when, by virtue of his office, he spends a -happy day on various County Benches, joining with the representatives -of local county families in the administration of Petty Sessions -justice--Petty Sessions justice is founded on "good Crowner's Quest -law"--otherwise he is usually a very worthy man, and lays no specious -claim to popularity. He is never ostentatious or self-assertive, and in -spite of the position which he occupies, he is in private life as sound -an exponent of domestic virtue as if he were an ordinary simple citizen. -The eminence to which he has risen never makes him lose his head or -forget that kind hearts are more than coronets, and only very little -inferior to a Mayoral Chain of office. It was the proud but very proper -boast of a Mayor of Mallingham that although he had been proprietor of a -provision business in the very centre of the town for over forty years, -and had worn the chain for two consecutive terms, he was still just as -approachable as any man in the kingdom. - -Just as it was said in the Napoleonic days that every French soldier -carried the _bton_ of a Field-Marshal in his knapsack, and as it is -said in these days in the States that any citizen may one day become -President--the contingency may account for the gloomy view so many -American citizens take of life--so it is understood that any burgess of -Mallingham may one day become Mayor. There is, however, no competition -for the office, so unambitious are the majority of the burgesses; and -now and again the Council find themselves face to face with the problem -of how to induce any one to accept the chain of office. - -Considering all that its acceptance entails upon the wearer, it can -easily be understood that there should be some reluctance to have -anything to do with it within the ranks of the eligible. If it were an -understood thing that the burgesses of the town must buy their bacon -and butter from the Mayor during his term of office, the problem of -the Mayoralty might become less acute--assuming that a bacon and butter -candidate were available; but no suggestion of this sort has ever been -made so far as I can gather, and thus the difficulty is increasing year -by year with the using up of all the available material for Mayors in -the rough. - -The fact is, that a great deal too much is expected from the Mayor. -There is an inaugural banquet every year at which some two hundred -burgesses, and several of the local gentry, and Members of Parliament, -with a bishop, a rural dean, and an occasional chaplain to the forces, -sit down on the invitation of the incoming Mayor.--He is expected to pay -for everything, and as the feast is founded on the noblest traditions -of civic catering, his bill cannot but be a heavy one. In no way is -the menu inferior in interest to that to be found on the table of the -Mansion House in the City of London. As a matter of fact, I believe that -the turtle soup served at the Mallingham banquet is a trifle richer -than that in the Mansion House, and the champagne is possibly a little -sweeter. But the status of the large proportion of the guests at the -one is widely different from that of the majority at the other. -In Mallingham the tradesmen--gas-fitters, grocers, tobacconists, -hair-cutters, newsagents, and the like--who are probably accustomed to -a midday dinner of a cut from the joint, two vegetables, cheese, and a -glass of ale, and want nothing better, work their way through a long and -elaborate succession of dishes, between the _hors d'ouvres assortis_ and -the home-grown pineapple, drinking glass after glass of Ayala, -_cuve reserve_. Of course they may appreciate some of the simpler -delicacies--_vol-au-vent_ or the _faysans rotis_--but the most of the -dishes are mysteries to them and, though very expensive, altogether -obnoxious to the uneducated palate. - -To be sure, the banquet is artfully meant: it is supposed to be by way -of so incapacitating the diners that they are forced to listen to the -speeches that follow. Only by the adoption of such stringent measures -would it be possible to get a hearing for those speeches, made in all -solemnity by the gentlemen at the High Table. A loyal Mayor has been -known to spend twenty minutes over the Royal Family, after the King and -Queen had been honoured--he took a quarter of over Their Majesties; but -then the evening was comparatively young, and "The Bishops and Clergy of -the Established Church," "The Clergy of other Denominations," "The -Member of Parliament for the Division," "The Worshipful the Mayor," "The -Corporation of Mallingham," "The Official Staff," "The Town and Trade of -Mallingham"--all these had to be proposed and replied to in due course, -and the general opinion was that in making up the accounts, with the -banquet on the credit side and the speeches on the debit, a large -balance remained against the Mayor. - -And the inaugural banquet is merely the first of the series of -entertainments which are supposed to come from the same source. Two or -three balls, as many garden parties, and at least four large receptions, -with refreshments, are looked for by the townspeople of all grades, for -even the most exclusive of the leaders of the best set do not object to -be entertained at the expense of the Mayor. They consider it their -duty to attend the dances as well as the receptions; but there the -transaction ends so far as they are concerned. They feel that they are -honouring him by accepting his hospitality, and they do not consider -that they are under the obligation to recognise him or his family if -they meet in the public street, nor do they think it necessary to invite -him or any member of his family to their houses. They really believe in -their hearts that they lay the Mayor under an obligation to themselves -by attending his receptions and his dances. - - - - -II.--THE FIRST FAMILIES - -That is the attitude of these good people whose names are quite unknown -outside Mallingham. They are amusing through the entire lack on their -part of a sense of comedy. - -I am inclined to think, however, that the attitude of a son of one of -these First Families, in respect of an incident that came under my -notice, might be more definitely described. He had been invited by a man -who was in a far better social position than himself to have a day with -the partridges in a shooting which he leased; the youth accepted, and on -the morning of the day named appeared in a dog-cart, bringing with him -a friend with another gun. They passed the man who had given the -invitation, and who was walking to the first field and had still a mile -or so to go before reaching it; but though there was a vacant seat in -the dog-cart he was not asked to take it. They drove gaily on, and did -not even wait for him to come up with his dogs to begin operations. One -of them was walking up one side of the field and the other was walking -up the parallel side. The lessee of the shooting, on arriving, found -himself taking rather a back place, the fact being that he had no -acquaintance with his friend's friend, and his friend apparently not -thinking it necessary to introduce him. The shoot went on, however, -and, save for a little grumbling at the working of the dogs, it was -successful enough. On getting round to the dog-cart, after walking -through the last field, the visitors collected the birds that they had -shot and tucked them under the back seat, and mounting to the front -called out a cheery "good-bye" to the man who had entertained them. -They were about to drive off, but the breaking strain of the other's -politeness had been passed. - -"I shouldn't mind a lift from you," he suggested. - -"Sorry," explained the one with the reins; "but you see how rough the -lane is, and really the machine is too heavy as it is. Ta-ta." - -"On minute," said the pedestrian. "If it's too heavy I'll jolly soon -remedy that," and he took a step to the dog-cart and pulled out the -birds. "Pity you didn't think of that before. Now it's lighter. Off you -go, and the next time you are offered a day's shooting you just inquire, -from some one who knows, how you should behave. You will in that way be -prevented from appearing a complete bounder." - -For some time afterwards there was a sort of coldness between that man -and the First Family, whose representative had been prevented by him -from adding three brace of partridges to their menu for the next week. - -For a plentiful lack of good manners the representatives of the "best -set" in Mallingham could scarcely be surpassed in any community. The -youth probably was quite sincere in his belief that he was conferring -a conspicuous favour upon the man who had invited him to an afternoon -among the partridges. How could it be expected that he should think -differently when he had seen his mother and sisters feasting at the -Mayoral ball one night, and cutting the Mayor the next day when they met -him in the street? - -It was not a Mayoress of Mallingham, but of a much more important -municipality--one, in fact, of so great importance as to have a Lord -Mayor and a Lady Mayoress--who had the privilege of entertaining a -certain elderly offshoot of the Royal Family upon the occasion of the -laying of the foundation-stone of a new hospital in the town. This -particular minor Royalty is well known (in certain circles) for her -ample appreciation of the dignity of her exalted position, and, like all -such ladies, she is gracious in proportion to such dust of the earth as -Mayoresses and Presidents of Colleges and Chairmen of Hospital -Boards; and she made herself so pleasant to the Lady Mayoress who -was entertaining her, that the latter determined to keep up the -acquaintance, so she made it a point to pay her a visit in her private -capacity. She drove up the stately avenue to the mansion, and inquired -if Her Royal Highness were at home, just as if Her Royal Highness -had been the wife of the vicar. She was admitted--as far as a certain -room--and after an interval of long waiting there entered, not Her -Royal Highness, but a stranger, a member of the "Household" of the minor -Royalty, and they had a chilly chat together. - -And the friendship so auspiciously begun at the opening of the municipal -hospital made no advance beyond this interview, though it is understood -that the lady of the Household was as polite as if she were Her Royal -Highness herself. - - - - -III.--MISS LATIMER'S MARRIAGE LINES - -There is nothing that the best set in Mallingham so resent as -pretentiousness, or the semblance of pretentiousness, on the part of any -one who does not belong to the best set. A few years ago a Mrs. Latimer, -who lives in a delightful old house close to our village of Thurswell -and is a widow, married one of her two pretty and accomplished daughters -to a young man who was beginning to make a name for himself at the Bar. -He had been at Uppingham and Oxford, and was altogether the sort of -person by whose side the most fastidious young woman would not shrink -from meeting her enemy in the Gate. The wedding was made an event of -more than usual importance, for the girl and her mother were greatly -liked, and on the mother's side were connections of actual county rank. -The list of names in the county newspaper of the wedding guests and -of the numerous presents was an imposing one: among the former was the -widow of a Baronet, a County Court Judge, a Major-General (retired), -and a Master of Hounds; and among the latter, a diamond and sapphire -necklace (the gift of the bridegroom), a cheque (from the bride's -uncle), a silver-mounted dressing-bag (from the bride's sister), and the -usual silver-backed brushes, button-hooks, shoe-lifters, blotters, and -nondescript articles. When the late Dr. Schliemann exhibited the result -of his excavations at the supposed site of Troy, there were to be seen -several articles to which no use could possibly be assigned. No one -seemed to perceive that these must have been wedding presents. - -It was, however, generally allowed that the wedding had been a very -pretty one, that the bride had looked her best, and that the bridegroom -appeared a good fellow; and in addition to the column and a half -devoted to the affair by a generous newspaper, there appeared the usual -announcement: Weston--Latimer.--On the 2nd inst., at Thurswell Church, by -the Rev. Theophilas Watson, B.A.Oxon, Vicar of Thurswell, late Incumbent -of St. Michael and All Angels, Bardswell, and Rural Dean, assisted -by the Rev. Anselm Sigurd Mott, M. A., late Fellow of King's College, -London, and Senior Curate of St. James the Less, Brindlington, -William Henry, eldest son of the late John Weston of King's Elms, -Leicestershire, to Ida Evelyn, elder daughter of the late George -Cruikshank Latimer, of Todderwell, and Susan Prescott Latimer, of Grange -Lodge, Thurswell. - -This was the advertised notice in the _Telegraph_, as well as in the -local paper, on the day after the wedding. - -Three or four days later, however, there appeared, in the -corresponding column of the _Post_, an amended version of the same -announcement--Weston--Latimer.--On the 2nd inst., at Thurswell Parish -Church, William Henry Weston, eldest son of the late John Weston, -Attorney's Clerk, King's Elms, Leicestershire, to Ida, daughter of the -late George C. Latimer, Farmer, Todderwell. - -This piece of feline malevolence was easily traced to a lady with a -highly marriageable daughter who had been posing for several years as -one of the guardians of "exclusiveness" of Mallingham. An adroit lady -had only to pay her a visit, ostensibly to call her attention to the -delightful announcement--"the cleverest thing that had ever been done," -she called it--to invite a return of confidence, and, with sparkling -eyes, the perpetrator accepted the credit of thinking out the scheme for -the humiliation of her neighbour for her arrogance in making so much of -the wedding. - -And the most melancholy part of the contemptible affair was that the -greater number of the best set actually talked over it as a properly -administered blow to the Latimers, and chuckled over it for many days. - -But the very next year Mrs. Latimer's other daughter got married to the -heir to a baronetcy; the wedding took place in St. George's, Hanover -Square, and the _Post_ gave an account of it to the extent of half a -column, and the _Mirror_ gave photographs of the bride and bridegroom. - -It would scarcely be believed, except by some one acquainted with the -best society at Mallingham, that upon this occasion the lady who had -displayed her skill in snubbing the Latimers sent a two-guinea present -to the bride. It was understood that the list of presents would appear -in the _Post;_ but when this list appeared the name of the donor of this -special gift was absent from it: the two-guinea gift had been promptly -returned by the mother of the bride. - -And here is another touch: the valuable cake basket was returned with a -heavy dinge in one place, which the jeweller affirms was not there -when he packed it in tissue paper and shavings in its box with the -card bearing the inscription: "To dear Constance, with best wishes -from--------" That is why he refused to take it back. - -It was the son of this lady whose generosity was so spurned who, on -leaving the rather second-class public school at which he received a -sort of education, gravely said to another boy from Mallingham who had -also just been finished-- - -"I suppose I'll often see you at Mallingham, old chap, as we are both -living there, and I'm sure that I should be very glad to have a -chat with you now and then; but, of course, you won't expect me to -acknowledge you if I am walking with my mother or sister." - -"Why not?" asked the other boy. - -"Oh, my dear fellow, can't you see that it would never do?" said the -first. "You know that your people are not in our set. You can't expect -that because we happen to have been three years in the same house, -we are in the same social position at home. But, as you know, there's -nothing of the snob about me, and any time that we meet in one of the -side streets, and even at the unfashionable end of High Street, I'll -certainly nod to you. But that's the farthest that I can be expected to -go." - -The other boy certainly expected him to go very much farther even than -the unfashionable end of the High Street, and ventured to delimitate the -boundaries of the place, and to say a word or two respecting its climate -and the fitness of his companions and all his family for a permanent -residence there. Being a biggish lad, and enjoying a reputation for -being opposed to peace at any price, he could express his inmost -feelings without being deterred by any inconvenient reprisals. - -The other did not even respond to his exuberance upon this occasion. He -sulked in the corner of the railway carriage where the conversation took -place, and he has been sulking ever since. - - - - -IV.--THE ENTERPRISE OF MALLINGHAM - -It was a gentleman who travelled in the latest styles in soft goods who -was heard to affirm that Mallingham was not a town: it was a dormitory. - -He doubtless spoke from the horizon line of soft goods, having in his -eye certain of those firms who still do business in the concave side of -ancient bay windows, and have not yet been lured on to fortnightly cheap -sales behind a sheet of plate-glass. A commercial traveller takes some -time to recover his selfrespect after importuning a possible client in -the con-cavity of an eighteenth-century window of what was once a dainty -parlour, but is now a dingy shop. - -[Illustration: 0139] - -But, as a matter of fact, there is a deep and pellucid well of -enterprise in the centre of commercial circles in Mallingham, and it -only wants an occasional stir to irrigate the dead levels of the town. -For instance, there is published by a stationer in the High Street -the _Mallingham Almanac_, an annual work which gives a large amount -of interesting information valuable to many persons in an agricultural -district, such as the list of fair days in all the villages in the -county, the hours of the rising and setting of the sun (of undoubted -interest to farmers), the changes of the moon (also very important to -have noted down to the very second), the equation of time from day to -day (without which we could hardly get on at all), the time of high -water at London Bridge, and the variation of the compass (indispensable -to agriculturists). A graver note is, however, sounded in the pages -devoted to prophecy, after the style of the ever veracious Francis -Moore, where readers, born when Mercury was in the Fourth House, are -warned against eating uncooked horse-chestnuts on a Friday, and the -general public are told that as, in a certain month, Mars and Neptune -are in opposition--perhaps it should be apposition--news will be -published regarding the German Emperor. - -Then there are pages given over wholly to poetry, like Ephraim and his -idols. - -The spirit of enterprise which flutters--I am afraid that I referred to -it in an earlier paragraph in a way that suggested water which really -does not flutter,--as a moth round a flame, round a good advertising -medium in Mallingham, is shown by the pages of business cards scattered -throughout the sheets of this almanac. - -In his Address to his Subscribers which prefaces the last issue, the -publisher, who is also the editor, recognises in a handsome way -the support which he has received from his numerous advertisers -and expresses the earnest hope that they may all, individually and -collectively, find that their business will rapidly increase as a reward -for their enterprise. - -On the opposite page may be read the business cards of three -undertakers. - -Mallingham is certainly not a dormitory so far as the possibilities of -trade are concerned. It may safely be said that every business house -will undertake undertaking in all its branches and the removal of -furniture. No matter how small may be the apparent connection between -the business professed on the shop sign and the undertaking industry or -the removal industry, you will find on inquiry the utmost willingness -expressed to meet your wishes in either direction. - -The qualification of a dealer in antiques to carry out such a contract -is not immediately apparent, but it is certainly more apparent than that -of an auctioneer; at least, if you need to be buried, it is not to an -auctioneer you will go in the first instance. To be sure, if you read -_Othello_ carefully you will find that there is quite an intimate -connection between "removals" and undertaking; but, as a rule, for -business purposes each of the two trades is regarded as distinct from -the other. - -But in Mallingham you not only find them amalgamated, but both are run -(decorously) in association with hardware, upholstery, blind-making, -carpetbeating, life and fire assurance (not at all so extraordinary this -last named), crockery, and soft goods. It is rumoured that the largest -business in the "lines" referred to is in the hands of a rag and bone -merchant and a dyer. - -It is pleasant to be able to record that no one has yet been known to -accept the suggestion of the pun in regard to the aptitude of the dyer -in such a connection, and it is certain that Shakespeare himself would -not have been able to resist the temptation. But Shakespeare has said -many things that no one in Mallingham would care to invent or even to -repeat. - -One of the most notable instances of the professional enterprise of -Mallingham was told to me by its victim. He was a clergyman, and the -curate of one of the parishes. Now there are curates who are as fully -qualified to discharge the duties of their calling as is a Rector, -or even a Rural Dean: some of those whom we find in the country have -"walked the hospitals," so to speak, having been for years labouring in -the slums of a large town; but some are what might be termed only "first -aid" men, and it was a "first aid" curate who, on taking up his duties -in Mallingham, set about a zealous house-to-house visitation, being -determined to become personally acquainted with every member of his -flock. - -He had already made some headway in the course he had mapped out for -himself, and was becoming greatly liked for his sociability before he -had reached the letter R in his visiting list, at the head of which -was the name of Mr. Walter Ritchie, the dentist, a gentleman who, in -addition to enjoying an excellent practice as a destructive rather than -a constructive artist, was a good Churchman. It was between the hours of -twelve and one that the zealous curate found it convenient to call upon -him, and he was promptly shown into the waiting-room, where there was an -elderly lady with a slightly swollen face studying the pages of a very -soiled _Graphic_ of three weeks old. Of her company he was, however, -bereft within the space of a few minutes, and the _Graphic_ was -available for his entertainment for the next quarter of an hour. Then -the maid returned and said that Mr. Ritchie would see him now, and he -followed her across the passage and was shown into the usual operating -room of the second-class practitioner of the country town. - -Mr. Ritchie greeted him warmly and so volubly as saved the clergyman -the need for introducing any of the professional inanities which are -supposed to smooth the way to an honourable _rapprochement_ be-ween a -pastor and an unknown member of his pastorate. The parson had not really -a word to say when Mr. Ritchie got upon the topic of teeth, and warned -his visitor that he must be very careful in his use of the Mallingham -water until he should get accustomed to it. It had an injurious effect -upon the natural enamel of the teeth of the lower jaw, he said. - -"I will explain to you what I mean, if you will kindly sit here," he -added, pointing to the iron-framed chair, the shape of which expresses -the most excruciating comfort to a dentist's clientele. The curate, -wishing to be all things to all men, though he had no intention of being -a dentist's "example," smiled and seated himself. In an instant Mr. -Ritchie had him in his power; bending over him, he gently scraped away -some of the "enamel" from one of his front teeth and, exhibiting a speck -on the end of the steel scraper, explained the chemical changes which -an unguarded use of the chalky water of the town supply would have upon -that substance, though it made no difference to the secretions of the -glands of the upper jaw. - -This was very interesting and civil, if somewhat "shoppy," of Mr. -Ritchie, the clergyman thought, and once more opened his mouth to allow -of the dentist's obtaining a sample of the alkaline deposit to which he -had alluded. But the moment his jaws were apart Mr. Ritchie made a sound -as of a sudden indrawing of his breath. - -"Ha, what have we here?" he cried. "Nasty, nasty! but not too far -gone--no, I sincerely hope, not too far gone. One moment." He had -inserted a little shield-shaped mirror in the curate's mouth and was -pressing it gently against an upper tooth. "Ah yes, as I thought--a -little stuffing will save it. Nerve exposed. You are quite right to come -to me at once. A stitch in time, you know. It will hardly require any -drilling--only at the rough edges." - -The clergyman was not the man to protest against Mr. Ritchie's -civilities. He admitted that the tooth had given him some trouble the -previous year, but he had not thought it worth consulting a dentist -about. - -"That's the mistake that people make," said Mr. Ritchie mournfully. -"They usually associate a visit to their dentist with some -atrocity--some moments of agony--that was the result of the old -tradition, dating back to John Leech's days. Of course, in those dark -ages dentists did not exist, whereas now---- I think I would do well to -do a little crown work between the tooth I am stopping and the next: the -gap between the two is certain to work mischief before many months are -over, and the back of the nearest molar has become so worn through the -pressure of that overgrown one below it that, if not checked in time, it -will break off with you some fine day. I'm glad that you came to me -to-day. I will make a new man of you." - -He had the little ingenious emery drill working away before the -clergyman remembered that he had not come to pay a professional visit -to the dentist--that is to say, he had meant that his visit should be -a professional one so far as his own profession went, but not that it -should be a professional one so far as the profession of the other man -went. But it seemed to him that the dentist was fast approaching the -moment when he, the dentist, would not be amenable to the _convenances_ -of the parochial visit, but would become completely absorbed in the -_nuances_ of dental science which every revolution of the emery drill -seemed to be revealing. He could say nothing. He was in an unaccustomed -posture for speech. He was lying in the steely embrace of that highly -nickelised chair, with his face looking up to the ceiling--exactly the -reverse of the attitude in which he felt so fluent every Sunday evening. -With his head bending over the top of his pulpit, he felt that he was -equal to explaining everything in heaven above or the earth beneath; but -sprawling back, with his eyes on the ceiling, and a thing whizzing like -a cockchafer in his mouth, he was incapable of protest, even when he -had recovered himself sufficiently to feel that a protest might be -judicious, if not actually effective. - -He submitted. - -For the next four weeks he was, off and on, in the hands of Mr. Ritchie. -It seemed as he went on that he had not a really sound tooth in his -head, though he told me, almost tearfully, that previously he had always -prided himself on his excellent teeth. - -"I think Mr. Ritchie went too far in the end," he added, recapitulating -the main incidents of his indictment of the dentist. "I dare say a -couple of my molars were showing signs of wear and tear, and so were all -the better for being filled in properly; and it is quite likely that -the gulf between the other two was the better for being bridged -over--possibly a flake or two needed to be ground away from one of the -grinders at the back--but I am sure that the time occupied in correcting -some of the other irregularities which he perceived, but which had never -caused me a moment's inconvenience, might have been better spent. I -often thought so; but I said nothing until he calmly advised me to have -six of my upper jaw painlessly extracted, apparently for no other reason -than to show me how the new system of injecting cocaine, or something, -worked, and that he could do what he called 'crown work' with the best -dentists at Brindlington--then I thought it time to speak out, and I did -speak out." - -"And what did you say to him?" I inquired, for I longed to be put in -touch with the phraseology of a "first aid" parson when speaking out. - -"I didn't spare him: I told him just what I thought of him." - -"And what did that amount to? Nothing grossly offensive, I hope." - -"I wasn't careful of my words; I did not weigh them. If they sounded -offensive to him I cannot help it." - -"What did you say to him, as nearly as you can recollect? I'm rather a -connoisseur of language and I may be able to relieve your mind, if you -have any uneasiness on the subject of the man's feelings when you had -done with him. What did you say to him?" - -"I told him plainly that I thought he had gone too far; and now, looking -at the whole transaction from a purely impersonal standpoint, I am not -disposed to withdraw a single word of what I said. He did go too far--I -honestly believe it. You will understand that it is not easy for one to -take up an attitude of complete detachment in considering a matter such -as this in all its bearings; but I think that I have disciplined myself -sufficiently to be able to consider it in an unprejudiced spirit, and -really I do believe that he went too far." - -"If he did, you certainly did not," said I. "Has he sent you in his -bill?" - -"It is not his bill that matters--it only comes to 5, 11s. 6d. What -I objected to was his implication that I had not a sound tooth in my -head--I that have been accustomed during the past five years to crack -nuts--not mere filberts, mind, but the sort that come from Brazil--at -all the school feasts without the need for crackers! Just think of it! -Oh yes, he certainly went too far." - -I agreed with him; I had no idea that there was so much enterprise in -all Mallingham. - -The general idea that prevails in regard to Mallingham is that it has -remained stagnant--except for its aspirations after plate-glass--during -the past four or five hundred years of its existence. A dog of some sort -lies asleep at midday under almost every shop window, and cats of all -sorts may be seen crossing the High Street at almost any hour. That is -how it comes that the town seems so charming to visitors, and to those -of its inhabitants who are not engaged in business. - -This being so, I was disposed to laugh at the sly humour of a man and -his wife--they were Russian nobles who motored across from Brindlington -to lunch with us at Thurswell--who said they had enjoyed the drive -exceedingly, until they had come to Mallingham. "A horrid, rowdy place, -like the East End of London on Saturday night," were the exact words -those visitors employed, and I had actually begun to laugh at their -ironical humour when I saw that they were meant to be in earnest. For -some time I was in a state of perplexity; but then the truth suddenly -flashed upon me: it was the day of the Mallingham Races--one of the -three days of the year when the dogs are not allowed to sleep in the -streets and when the cats remain indoors, when the High Street is for -a full hour after the arrival of the train crowded with all that it -disgorges, and when there is a stream of vehicles carrying to the -picturesque racecourse on the Downs the usual supporters of the turf, -with redfaced bookmakers and their "pitches," as objectionable a crew as -may be encountered in the streets of any country town at any season. - -It was clear that my friends had reached the High Street of Mallingham -a few minutes after the arrival of the train, and not being aware of the -exceptional circumstances which had galvanised the place into life for -a brief twenty minutes, they had assumed that this was the normal aspect -of the town! I did my best to remove from Mallingham the reproach of -being the great centre of bustling life that it had seemed to these -strangers; but I could see that I did not altogether succeed in -convincing them that, except for four days out of the year, nothing -happens in Mallingham--three days of races and one night of loyal -revelry--for even the holding of the Assizes three times a year does not -cause the town to awake from its immemorial repose. The trumpets sound -as the judge drives up to the County Hall with a mounted escort, and the -shopkeepers come to their doors and glance down the street; the sleeping -dogs jump up and begin to bark in a half-hearted way, but settle -themselves comfortably down again before the last note of the fanfare -has passed away, and, except for an occasional glimpse of a man in a wig -crossing the street to the hotel, the Assize week passes much the same -as any other week of the uneventful year. Three hundred years have -passed since anything happened in Mallingham, and then it was nothing -worth talking about. One must go back seven hundred years to find the -town the centre of an historical incident of importance. - -But the rumour is that Messrs. Williamson & Rubble, drapers and -outfitters, are about to have a new plate-glass front made for both -their shops, with convex corners and roll-up shutters; so Mallingham -marches onward from century to century--slowly. - - - - -CHAPTER EIGHT--THE PUSHING PROVINCIAL TOWN - - - - -I.--THE MODERN METHODS - -THE MILD AND BASHFUL ENTERPRISE of Mallingham is made to look -ridiculous when contrasted with the unblushing business energy of -Burford, that bustling town of twenty thousand inhabitants at the -farther end of Nethershire. Burford lends itself as an awful example of -what can be accomplished by that dynamic element known as "push." It was -born picturesque, but has since become prosperous. Its Corporation has -long ago done away with all those features of interest to antiquarians -which are ineradicable in Mallington, however earnestly the ambitious -Council of the latter may labour for their annihilation; so although -strangers knowing something of the early history of Burford, come to it -expecting to find it the "dear old quaint place" of the girl with the -camera, they bicycle away before accepting the hospitality offered by -the bill of fare displayed in the broad windows of the double-fronted -modern restaurant lately set up by Messrs. Caterham & Co., of London, -where the old conduit house, mentioned in the guide-books, stood for -centuries, in the High Street. The Corporation are, it is rumoured, -meditating the advisability of altering the name of the High Street into -the King's Parade. The sooner they make a move in this direction the -better it will be for all concerned; for undoubtedly, as the Mayor -recently pointed out, the town has passed out of the category of towns -with a High Street, and may claim to be admitted into the select circle -of those with their Royal Avenues and Princes' Promenades. - -So why not make a bold step forward with King's Parade? - -Why not indeed? - -The invasion of Burford by Messrs. Caterham, with their score of little -marble tables and a choice of four dishes for luncheon, was equivalent -to putting the seal of modernity upon the old High Street; but its claim -to compete in its extent of plate-glass frontage with the most advanced -centres of business enterprise, was long ago proved by the establishment -of Messrs. Shenstone's fine "drapery emporium" (vide advertisements) -on the site of the old Castlegate Inn. It is said that even in the -difficult matter of supplying sables to suit all classes of customers -this house can hold its own with any in the trade. - -A customer enters with an inquiry for a set of sables. - -"Forward furs," the shopwalker commands--he actually is a full corporal -in the Territorials--and the lady finds herself confronted at the -counter by a young man with a Bond Street frock-coat and a Regent Street -smile, who says-- - -"Sables, madam? Certainly." - -He leaves her for a few moments and returns with an armful of furs, -which he displays, laying each piece over his arm and smoothing it down -as if it were--well, a sort of cat. - -"Price, madam?" He refers to a ticket. "Two hundred guineas, madam--all -Russian. Something not quite so expensive? Certainly, madam." Once again -he goes away and returns with another armful. "These are quite superior -furs, madam. Real sable? Certainly, madam, real Musquash sable. -Sixty-five pounds. Something cheaper, madam? Certainly. I have a very -nice line of inexpensive sables that I think you will like." He beckons -to a young lady farther up the counter, and she brings him a bundle of -tawny skins, which he displays as before. "A very nice line, madam--very -chaste and showy. Real sable? Oh, certainly--real electric sable, every -piece. Price, madam? Nine guineas, including muff. Something cheaper -still? Certainly, madam." He climbs up a small and handy ladder and -lifts down a large pasteboard box full of furs. "These, madam--very -tasteful--large amount of wear--sell a great number of these. Real -sable? Certainly, madam, real rabbit sable, thirty-nine and eleven. -Something rather less? Certainly, madam." He pulls down another box, -takes off the lid, and exposes skins. "Nice lot these, madam, very -highly thought of--largely worn in London this season. Real sable, -madam? Certainly, madam--real ox-tail sable, ten and six the set. Shall -we send them? Thank you. What name, please? Johnston--with the t? Thank -you. And the next article, madam? Oh yes, this afternoon for certain." - -That is the sort of business house you find in the High Street, Burford, -in these days; so that there can hardly be a doubt that it is time the -thoroughfare changed its name to King's Parade. If people want genuine -ox-tail sables they will go to a King's Parade for it much more readily -than they would to a High Street. But there is a deeper depth in sables -that a customer can only reach in a Royal Avenue; this is the genuine -charwoman's sable at three and eleven, muff included. Messrs. Shenstone -& Co. are, however, select and conscientious; they will not sell you as -the real article anything that will not bear the closest scrutiny, and -their ox-tail sable marks the limit to which they will go. It may -be foolish in these go-ahead days to have any scruples, but Messrs. -Shenstone are ready to submit to any reproach rather than to give a -customer, however humble, a misleading description of any article. - - - - -II.--LIBRARIANS WHILE YOU WAIT - -As a matter of course, Burford has a Public Library of its own. -The Corporation had a chance of acquiring a library that had been in -existence for some years: it had been built as a memorial to her -husband by a wealthy lady in the neighbourhood, and it contained several -thousand volumes of the "improving" sort which were so much in favour -with fathers and mothers and uncles and aunts--in fact, with all manner -of people except readers--fifty or sixty years ago. For purposes of -a public library such a collection is absurd, and should have been -consigned to one of the Corporation's rubbish carts without delay, -together with its Encyclopaedias dated 1812. The books were, however, -allowed to encumber the shelves, and there they remain unto this day, -to assist in the culture of much that would interest an earnest -bacteriologist. To the majority of the members of the Corporation, -however, "a book's a book although there's nothing in it," and their -"library" is packed with books and bacteria, both happily undisturbed -for years. - -Some time ago a charwoman with a husband was required to sweep the -floors and put the daily papers in their proper frames, and so the -Corporation advertised for a "librarian" and his wife, mentioning the -"salary" at fifty pounds a year. But they did not add, as they might -have done, "no knowledge of books required," and the consequence was -that at the annual meeting of the Library Association the distinguished -President referred to the advertisement with disparaging comments in -respect of the "salary" offered to the "librarian." It was not likely -that such a reflection upon the liberality of the Corporation of Burford -would be allowed to go to the world with impunity, so a member who -considered himself responsible for the advertisement and the fixing -of the renumeration wrote to the papers, pointing out that caretaker's -rooms were granted to the "librarian" in addition to his "salary," so -that the Corporation were really munificent in their offer; but whether -they were so or not, they could get plenty of people to discharge the -duties of "librarian" on the conditions set down. - -He was quite right. The applicants for the coveted post were numerous. -They represented all the out-of-work men in the neighbourhood. Porters, -jobbing gardeners, discharged soldiers with the rank of private, and the -usual casuals applied, and the most eligible of these seemed to be an -ex-soldier: "We should do all we can for old army men," said one of -the Committee very properly, and so the old soldier stood at attention, -saluted, and became a "librarian." The ability of the Corporation of -Burford must be admired: they can make any man a librarian in five -minutes; though the general opinion that prevails on the subject is that -long years of careful training are needed to qualify even a man of good -education for the post of librarian! - -That is where the management of a matter that makes no appeal to the -illiterate becomes a farce in the hands of such a body. What they wanted -was a charwoman with a husband, not a librarian with a wife; but with -traditional pomposity they must needs advertise for a "librarian" with a -"salary." So far as I can gather, the caretaker can sweep out a library -with any man; but if you ask for any particular book--well, he does his -best. But a man may be an adept with brooms and yet a tyro with books. -He is another of the things that are not what they seem at Burford. - -[Illustration: 0157] - - - - -III.--ARCHOLOGICAL ENTERPRISE - -There is quite a good Museum at Burford. It was formed, I believe, in -the pre-Corporation days, and so it is under intelligent control. -Local antiquities are represented with some attempt at completeness and -classification, and its educational value would be very great if the -people of the neighbourhood could be induced to give to it some of -the time that they devote to football. A few years ago, however, -an irresistible appeal was made to the culture of the town by the -acquisition for the collections of a human hand from the Solomon -Islands. As soon as it was understood that this treasure had just been -added to those in the Museum there was a rush to see it, and thousands -of persons paid their sixpences for a glance at it, and in the course of -a day or two after its arrival it had become the topic of the place. -If you had not seen it you were regarded as a complete outsider. It was -considered a great hardship that visitors were not allowed to touch -this exhibit; for, after all, a look at such an object is -unsatisfactory--quite different from a hearty handshake. To shake such -a hand would be satisfying, it was generally thought, and I have much -pleasure in associating myself with such an expression of opinion. A -little of it would satisfy any but the most grasping nature. - -It was in this Museum that there reposed for years in one of its glass -cases an interesting exhibit labelled "Fragment of ancient pottery, -probably Saxon, effects of lead glazing still visible." - -It was thought to be part of a pitcher, and some ingenious and -imaginative antiquary had made an excellent drawing of the original -vessel, showing the bulge in the body from which the piece had -been broken. Many papers had been written about the fragment, some -authorities contending that it was not of Saxon but Roman origin, and -others that, as it had been found on a part of the coast which had -at one time been covered by the sea, it was almost certain to be of -Scandinavian origin: it had been on board one of the Norse pirate -galleys that had harried the whole of the South Coast, and marks were -pointed out along the edge which were said to be the traces of a rude -decoration of Scandinavian design. - -For years the controversy was carried on with a large display of -learning on all sides, until one day a geologist of distinction visited -the Museum, and announced that the specimen of pottery was a section -of a human skull. A little examination and a comparison of the specimen -with an ordinary human skull showed beyond the possibility of doubt that -this view was the correct one, and the label was changed without delay. -But when it became known that the Museum was in possession of part of a -human skull, it was visited by hundreds of people all anxious to get -a glimpse of so interesting an object, and if possible--but this was -rather too much to hope for--to hold it in their hands; and for weeks -the contents of other cases lay unnoticed. The broken skull was the real -attraction. - -It was an amazingly thick skull: if it had not been so thick it would -probably not have led its original owner to forfeit it, but would have -suggested to him a way of escape from those unfriendly persons who had -deprived him of its use. But the owner would certainly have made a -good show at an old election fight, or have reached a green old age in -Tipperary. - -I once saw on a shelf in the Museum a piece of old ironwork in the form -of a rushlight holder. So it was labelled, and the date 1609 assigned -to it. It was stated on the label that it was probably the work of a -well-known ironworker of the neighbourhood in which it had been found. -I ventured, however, to differ from this last suggestion, the fact being -that this particular example of seventeenth-century ironwork was not -made during that century or by that craftsman, but by a more crafty -person during the latter years of the reign of Edward the Seventh. -My reason for coming to this conclusion was not the result of the -possession on my part of any special acquaintance with wrought-iron or -the methods of the old workers, but simply because I had been present -when the thing was in course of being forged--in both senses _forged._ -The craftsman had been called away from his job suddenly, and when I -entered his unostentatious forge there the thing was lying as he had -left it, in an unfinished condition. Some days later I saw it among a -heap of scrap iron of various sorts in his yard, and it rather took my -fancy. I pulled it forth and asked the man if he had any idea what -it was. He replied that, so far as he could remember, an antiquarian -gentleman had told him that it was for holding a rushlight. I looked at -it closely and said that I did not think it was old, and he replied that -he didn't believe it to be very old either; but it wasn't a handsome -thing anyway. - -I threw it down and began to talk about other matters, and the next I -saw of it was in the Museum above its neatly lettered label. - -I told the craftsman where I had seen it, and he smiled. - -"It seems that there are people who know more about these ancient old -things than us, sir," he said. "A man that has a great fancy for his -own opinion came round here shortly after you were here, and I could see -that he had his eye on that thing, though it was lying among the scraps; -and when he had talked long enough to put me off thinking that it had -caught his eye, he picked it up and asked me what I would take for it. -I told him half a sovereign, and he beat me down to three half-crowns. -Then he sold it to Anson in the Corn-market for a pound, and Anson took -it to the Museum and got thirty-five shillings for it. That's the whole -story. The others got a good bit more out of it than me." - -"That was a shame," said I; "considering that you made it, you should -have had the largest share of the profit." - -He smiled and said-- - -"I don't complain. What would be the use?" - -In the same neighbourhood there is another excellent workman. He has -always in the backyard of his house quite a number of antique Sussex -firebacks maturing. He lays down firebacks as wise people lay down wine -to mature. They look absurdly clean and fresh when they come from the -place where he casts them, but time and the oxide of iron soon remedy -all those defects, and when they have been lying rusting for a month -or two the aspect of the design is changed. A rough scrubbing--not too -much, but just enough--and an exposure in a brisk fire to produce the -marks of long years of duty in the sturdy old yeoman's grate, with the -crane swinging over it, and another specimen of the Sussex fireback -is ready for the market. The market is always ready. It will take the -sturdy old yeoman's crane, with its hooks and its levers, as well as -his fireback, and so the industry of the craftsman and the craft of the -dealer man are stimulated. - -There is still a brisk trade done in the manufacture of ancient flint -weapons--hatchets, spear barbs, arrow-heads, and the like--in our -county, though I have heard that there has been a melancholy falling off -in the volume of business done in this particular line during the past -twenty years. It is never well to be too certain about the treasures one -acquires nowadays, either in iron or flaky flint, but I have heard that -long ago a collector had quite as great reason to be cautious. A large -number of interesting flint weapons were with reasonable luck to be -dredged out of the sand and mud of some rivers. It was only reasonable -to suppose that these things had some thousands of years ago been in -active use in battles fought at the ford, and that they had remained -undisturbed for centuries in the bed of the river. I heard of an eminent -archaeologist having acquired quite a number of these implements bearing -unmistakable signs of antiquity. They had been dredged out of the Thames -from time to time, he heard. Unfortunately he mentioned this fact to a -dealer who had also heard of these dredgings, and offered to lend him -the collection for examination. The first experiment upon them was the -last. They had only to be boiled in a strong solution of soda to have -their true character--their false character--revealed. When taken out of -the kettle the things were as fresh as if made the day before. They had -not been made the day before, but they had certainly been made within -the year. They were nothing more than flaky fakes. - -After all, it is safer for a tradesman to use his own imagination in the -preparation of his wares than to ask his customers to use theirs. For -instance a dealer in curious things, in Burford, seeing some funny -wooden dolls in a shop window, bought the whole five and then used up -some scraps of old brocade and remnants of Genoa velvet in dressing them -in costumes to be found in the recognised authority. He exposed them for -sale sitting in a row, and very amazing they must have appeared. - -"Quaint things, are they not? Mediaeval puppets. I don't know that -I ever saw the like before. Of course you see what they are meant to -represent? Why, the Five Senses, to be sure. Fifteen guineas for the -five. If I don't sell them at once I'll send them to the Victoria and -Albert Museum. They'll jump at them." - -"I shouldn't mind buying one of them," said the customer; "but I could -not do with the whole five." - -"Sorry, sir; but you could scarcely ask me to break the set--I don't -believe there is another set in existence," said the dealer. - -"I think you might let me have one. I have bought a lot of things from -you from time to time." - -"I should like to, sir--yes, I should indeed like you to have one, -but--you see the whole beauty of the set is that it is a set--the Five -Senses." - -Some further conversation ensued, and at last the dealer showed himself -to be less inflexible than he had been at first, and the customer -secured one of the mediaeval curiosities for four pounds. - -A few days later another customer called and duly inspected the four -remaining dolls. - -"Very curious, sir--very unique, I think. Of course you see the idea, -sir--the Four Seasons. Fifteenth-century Venetian, I should say. You -can see the bit of brocade--old Venetian beyond a question. I wish I -had half a dozen yards of it. Twenty guineas I'm asking for the set. I'm -afraid I couldn't break the set. It's hardly fair to ask me, sir." - -But eventually he yielded to the importunity of the customer and got -five guineas for a second of his creations. - -"Singular things, sir--Early Italian Church puppets beyond doubt. They -used to dress them fantastically and stand them on the altar, I believe. -You observe the symbolic character of the set, sir--the Trinity. Votive -offerings and that, you know. Even in the present day you see such -things at wayside shrines in Catholic countries. I'm afraid it would -spoil the set to sell one out of the three, sir. You had better take the -three now that you have the chance. Very unique, I call them, and only -eighteen pounds for the three." - -But the man had no use for the three, and after some haggling he got the -one he wanted for 5, 10s. - -"And then there were two," as the story of the ten little nigger boys -has it. - -"Church pieces, madam. Fourteenth-century Spanish--the embroidery is -Spanish, I am sure. I wish I had a yard of it. Adam and Eve they are -meant to represent," etc. etc. - -It seemed as if no one could do with more than one of these "very -unique" treasures; so he was forced to let the lady separate our first -parents, paying five pounds for making the divorce decree absolute. - -Before the end of the week he had sold a unique example of a Flemish -doll--"One may see the like in some of Teniers' pictures. They treasure -them up from generation to generation in the houses of the old nobility. -It is very rarely that one gets into the market. You see they regard it -as a matter of family honour never to sell one of them." - -He sold it for six pounds, and took his wife to a theatre where, -curiously enough, the diverting play of _La Poupe_ was being performed. -It is a diverting play, but not, I think, "absolutely unique." - -It will be gathered from these instances of local business enterprise -how amply the modern spirit of making the most of one's opportunities of -"getting on" is represented among the commercial population of Burford. -Its manufacturers may be divided into two classes: the makers and the -fakers, and it is generally understood that the latter make the most -money. - - - - -CHAPTER NINE--RED-TILED SOCIETY - - - - -I.--THE ILLUSTRIOUS STRANGER - -ALL THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM at Burford, as I have ventured -to suggest. But the majority of the inhabitants think that they are. -Probably at one time they were; but with the development of the spirit -of modern enterprise in the town a new complexion has been put upon -various features associated with the daily life of the place, so that -one needs to go beneath the surface of things in general in order to -find out what they really are. - -It was literally the new complexion put upon a very ordinary commercial -undertaking that caused some of the most self-respecting of the -inhabitants to forget themselves upon one occasion a year or two ago. -To be sure, they had done nothing that should have caused even the most -susceptible a qualm; but they thought they had, and this impression was -strengthened by the attitude of a good many of their friends, so that -the result was just as unpleasant to them as if they had been guilty of -some gross piece of foolishness. - -The circumstances of this new complexion must be dealt with in detail in -order to be fully appreciated by people outside Burford. - -When an announcement appeared in the local newspapers that the town -would shortly be visited by a distinguished Hindu, the Cachar of -Darjeeling, a considerable amount of excitement was caused in the best -circles of Burford Society--the best circles, it is scarcely necessary -to say, are those that have their centre somewhere in the new quarter, -the bright red-brick villa quarter of the town--and every one was -inquiring what Mrs. Paston would do in the matter. Mrs. Paston had -obtained in many quarters an ample recognition of her authority as -_arbiter elegantarium_, and her lead in social matters was regarded as -inevitable even by those who could not conscientiously accept her dicta -as the last word on every point. - -What will Mrs. Paston do when the Cachar of Darjeeling comes to Burford? -That was the question which people asked of one another over cups of tea -with occasional muffins; and the result of many conferences under these -or similar conditions was a resolution that a deputation of ladies -appointed themselves to wait on her, one at a time, to learn what she -really meant to do. - -But it seemed that Mrs. Paston had not quite made up her mind on the -matter. The Cachar of Darjeeling is, of course, a prince--quite as much -a prince as the others one hears about--begums, sowdars, rajahs, jams, -ranees, gaekwars, khansamahs--all referred to by Mr. Kipling; and, of -course, being a prince, he was, _ex officio_, eligible to be received -even by the best people in Burford. To be sure, she had heard it said -that--that--but for that matter there was as much wickedness at home, if -people only took the trouble to look for it; and there was no need -for people with daughters to put them forward in the presence of -distinguished strangers, whether Indian princes or Austrian counts. - -That was how Mrs. Paston took the various deputations of one into her -confidence when they endeavoured to find out what she meant to do in -regard to the coming visit of the distinguished Oriental, and they -interpreted her mystic phrases as meaning that she meant to keep the -Prince to herself. Within a few days the Cachar had come to be alluded -to as "the Prince." In the English provinces practically every man of -colour is accepted as a prince--it is a courtesy title, pretty much the -same as the title of Madame which goes with a bonnet shop in the West -End. Even the dusky person who accompanies the clergyman to the platform -when a lecture is about to be given upon missionary work in the East, is -referred to as "the Prince" that being the sanctioned English equivalent -to his native title, which conveys nothing to the general public. - -Yes, it seemed pretty clear that Mrs. Paston intended to keep the -distinguished visitor to herself--that was why she made herself -ambiguous when approached on the subject of his reception. - -But there were other authorities besides Mrs. Pas-ton, and one of them -was Mrs. Maxwell. She was the wife of a retired Indian Civil Servant, -and the _quasi_ Reception Committee showed some eagerness to learn what -her attitude would be in regard to the coming Cachar of Darjeeling. - -But Mrs. Maxwell said that her husband thought there had as usual been -some misprint or mixing up of words in the paper, for he had never heard -of the Cachar of Darjeeling; though there was a place named Cachar, and -it was in Darjeeling, and very likely there was a prince or whatever -they chose to call him in the neighbourhood. - -This was not getting much farther on in the solution of the question -that agitated the red-tiled group of Burford Society. It was pointed out -by one sagacious lady that the fact of there being a place named Cachar -in Darjeeling did not make it impossible that there should be a title -of Cachar. They had not to go far from home for an example of this. Was -there not a Lochiel in Scotland, and yet Lochiel was a place? Was there -not a Magillicuddy in Ireland, and Magillicuddy was a mountain? It was -pretty obvious that both Mrs. Maxwell and Mrs. Paston were temporising -with the Committee; each was doing her best to put the others off the -idea of leaving cards upon the Cachar, hoping to take him under her own -wing and keep him there. - -That was the opinion of more than one of the inquirers, and a good deal -of bitterness was occasioned by the reticence of the leaders. But no one -seemed to know what was the object of the Princes visit to Burford, how -long it was going to last, or with whom he meant to stay. - - - - -II.--THE PRINCE'S PARADE - -And then suddenly a stranger of dusky complexion and wearing flowing -robes and a splendid turban set with precious stones appeared on foot in -the High Street. He seemed greatly interested in the place, for he kept -parading the leading thoroughfare and several of its byways practically -the whole of the morning, so that he could scarcely escape the notice of -all the residents who were in the town; no one failed to see him or to -learn that he had taken lunch at Messrs. Caterham's new restaurant. - -An hour later Mrs. Paston drove up to Caterham's. She inquired of one -of the young ladies if the Cachar had rooms in the adjoining hotel, -and learned that he was resting in the private room at the back of the -restaurant. - -She at once sent in her card. - -Hardly had she done so when Mrs. Lake entered and greeted her--Mrs. Lake -was another of the red-tiled residents--saying--"I hear that the Prince -is here. I suppose you have sent your card to him--I am sending mine. -It is our duty, I think, to show some civility to such a visitor. -My brother, you know, is intimately associated with India--Woods and -Forests, you know." - -She passed her card to the young lady, and smiled at Mrs. Paston in a -way that was meant to assure her that she was mistaken if she fancied -that she was to have the Prince all to herself. - -"I am sure that the Prince will be delighted to hear that your brother -is in---- What did you say he was in?" asked Mrs. Paston sweetly. - -"Woods and Forests--the most important Department in all India," said -the other. "My brother would never forgive me if I allowed the Prince to -come here without showing him some civility." - -They were going together to the door when they found themselves face to -face with Mrs. Markham and her daughter, both dressed as if for a garden -party, and close behind them came Major Sowerby of the Territorials and -his son, for whom he had been unsuccessfully trying to get a billet for -the previous two years. - -"Glad to see you here, Mrs. Paston," cried the Major heartily. "Yes, I -maintain that it is our duty to welcome--to stretch out a right hand -of greeting to the natives of our great Dependency--one Empire--one -Flag--hands across the sea--that's what I have always advocated. I am -wondering if he couldn't do something for my Teddy here. I believe these -rajahs and memsahibs and cachars have got no end of money--rupees--the -old Pagoda tree and that. Teddy can turn his hand to anything." - -The expression of his excellent patriotic sentiments was interrupted by -the arrival of nearly all the members of the Committee of inquiry, and a -card-case was in the hand of every one of them, and other ladies of the -lite were hurrying down the street, plainly making the restaurant their -objective. Within a quarter of an hour a whole salver of cards had been -taken charge of by the young lady, some of them bearing a few pencilled -words: "Hoping to be honoured by a visit," "At home every day this week -at 4," "Trusting to obtain permission to receive H.H. the Cachar," and -the like. Mrs. Lake had written on hers, "Sister of Mr. George Barnes, -Woods and Forests Dept.," and Major Sowerby had put in parenthesis under -his son's name, "Ellison prizeman at Routilla College, Eastbourne." - -The next day the Prince appeared once again promenading the High Street. -He was a man of fine presence, of a rich ruddy brown complexion and a -black beard and moustache, and his turban was a sight! It contained a -central diamond little inferior in size to the Koh-i-noor, and on -each side of it was a pigeon's egg ruby--a lady who saw it called it a -pigeon's blood ruby lest there should be any mistake: a casual glance of -some one who did not know all about these great jewels might convey the -impression that it was only a bantam's blood ruby, which was quite an -inferior stone. He had an air of distinction which caused him to be -greatly admired, and yet he was so devoid of any foolish pride that he -did not hesitate to chat quite pleasantly to one of the young ladies -in Caterham's. (Mrs! Paston, hearing this, expressed the hope that the -young lady would be very careful. But Major Sowerby, when it reached -his ears, said he hoped the Prince would be careful. Mrs. Markham said -nothing, but glanced hopefully at her daughter.) - -[Illustration: 0175] - -All the ladies remained under their rosy tiles that afternoon, and all -the maids were supplied with the whitest of caps and aprons. Tea was -delayed in every house for three-quarters of an hour: there was -no knowing what might happen. But nothing happened. The Cachar of -Darjeeling was clearly feeling the embarrassment of having to respond -to a welcome offered in such plurality; though Mrs. Paston thought that -surely one of the young ladies in Caterham's would have told him to whom -he should give precedence in making his calls. Every other lady was of -the same opinion. - -Mrs. Paston thought it but right that she should give the Prince some -encouragement, so she wrote a little note to him inviting his confidence -as to his plans, and hoping that he might be able to lunch with her -the next day, when she would have great pleasure in driving him to Lady -Collingby's annual Flower Show. Four other ladies addressed notes to him -expressing precisely the same sentiments, and all set out to deliver -them at Caterham's with their own hands, to save the delay of a post. - -They entered Caterham's almost simultaneously, without noticing that -the hoarding which had been built about the next door premises while a -plate-glass front of noble design was being set in its place had -been removed. And when they inquired for the Cachar, the young lady -said--"He is in the new shop--you go through the arch on the left." - -There was a Norman arch of lath and plaster enriched by insets of -highly decorated Lincrusta--the paper-hangmen had just left it--in the -partition wall; through it the ladies went and found themselves in a -spacious shop with a profusion of cheap specimens of Oriental china on -lacquer brackets about the walls, and an all-pervading smell of freshly -roasted coffee. It was clearly the newly acquired premises of the -enterprising Messrs. Caterham, which they meant to run as a shop for -the sale of Indian tea and West Indian coffee--the "Old Flag" was their -trade-mark--and a brisk sale of half-pound and quarter-pound packets was -going on at the counter. - -So much the ladies who had just entered could see; but a moment after -they had taken their first illuminating glance round the place they -stood with their eyes fixed upon one of the most prominent objects of -the place--the bustling figure of the Cachar of Darjeeling in native -dress, turban and jewels and all, tying up parcels of tea behind the -counter, and testing the coins which the crowd of customers tendered in -payment before pulling the bell-ringing drawer of the cash register! - -The enterprise of Messrs. Caterham had suggested to them the advertising -attraction in the form of a full-robed Oriental at the head of their new -tea department. They had promoted one of their old hands--he came from -the East End of London--to the post, and having "made up" under the -guidance of one of Messrs. Nathan's most highly qualified assistants, -Messrs. Caterham were perhaps not going too far when they asserted -in their advertisements that the tea trade of Burford would assume an -entirely new complexion. - -The ladies gazed in horrible fascination upon the impostor--at the -moment they were unable to differentiate between an advertisement and -an impostor--for nearly a whole minute, and then they turned and walked -slowly away without exchanging a word. - -Mrs. Paston left Burford the next day, having been ordered by her -medical adviser to Buxton. But Major Sowerby picked out his most -serviceable Malacca cane, and was heard to declare, while trying its -balance in downward strokes from left to right, that he had only to come -across that scoundrel who called himself by the honourable title of -a loyal Indian potentate in order to teach him a lesson that he would -remember so long as he had breath in his body. - -The general impression that prevailed throughout Burford, however, so -soon as the story of the exclusive ladies and their Indian prince was in -full circulation--and it did not take long to pass round the town--was -that the incident should teach a lesson to a good many people who take -it upon them to lead the red-tiled society of the new town. - -But whether they learn any lesson or not, there seems to be a consensus -of opinion that the sooner the name of the High Street is changed to -Prince's Parade the better it will be for the town, Messrs. Caterham, -and, incidentally, Mr. Isaac Moss, professionally known as the Cachar of -Darjeeling. (As a matter of fact, there are already several people not -belonging to the governing classes who, ever since the episode just -recorded, have invariably alluded to the lower part of the High -Street--that part which has been annexed by Messrs. Caterham--as the -Prince's Parade.) - - - - - -CHAPTER TEN--LESSER ENGLISH COUNTRY TOWNS - - - - -I.--STARKIE AND THE STATES - -I REMEMBER WITH WHAT ADROITNESS several years ago a distinguished -dramatist explained to a pressing interviewer what was his intention in -writing a certain play of his which was being widely discussed in many -directions. It was merely to show how dangerous it was for any man to -wander off the beaten track, he said: "A man must keep in line with his -fellow-men if he hopes to avoid disaster"--and so forth. The explanation -was no doubt accounted quite satisfactory by such persons as had been -perturbed on the matter to which it referred. - -It certainly would have been accepted with every token of assent by the -majority of the inhabitants of the lesser English country towns. They -regard as highly dangerous to the community the least departure from the -primrose path of the commonplace. They have a hymn which goes-- - - "We are travelling home to God - - In the way our fathers trod, - - They are happy now, and we - - Soon their happiness shall see." - - -[Illustration: 0185] - -The stanza embodies their highest aspirations; and really, when one -comes to consider the whole matter, one could hardly formulate a more -satisfactory walk of life; only it is a walk, not a race, and some -people (outside a country town) look to go through life at a faster -pace. "In the way our fathers trod"--that is the sound motto of the -country town, and the man who tries to get out of the old ruts is looked -upon with suspicion by the sensible people to whom he may allude as old -rutters or even old rotters. - -A middle-aged inhabitant of a town nearly twice as large as our -Mallingham was greatly impressed with this truth by an incident which -had just come under his notice when I had occasion to call upon him some -time ago. He told me that he had been visited by a former townsman of -his, but one whom he had not seen for more than fifteen years. - -"No, you wouldn't remember Joseph Starkie, old Sol Starkie's son," he -said to me in the course of his narrative. "It was before you came to -county. Queer restless chap was Joe always." - -"Is he any relation to the Starkie who invented the magnetic lathe that -is used everywhere in the States?" I inquired. - -"I shouldn't wonder," he replied, as if making a sad admission. "Yes, I -believe he said something about it when he was with me. He was just that -sort of chap--so restless and dissatisfied always--wanting to do things -differently from how they had always been done. His father was a most -respectable man, however, in the hardware line, and Joe was too much for -him: he packed him off to an uncle in the States, and there he has been -ever since, he told me. "Sad--very sad! His father had quite a nice -little business here, and if Joe had only settled down reasonably he -might have succeeded to it and done well." - -"It strikes me that he has done pretty well elsewhere," said I. "His -name is well known in every machine shop in the States." - -"Is that so? Well, maybe so; but that's not like having a comfortable -place at home. Why, he might even have had a seat at the Town Council or -the Water Board in time. When he came in here to-day I knew him at once; -but I wasn't too eager with him until I saw from his way that he hadn't -come to borrow money, as I feared at first. He wanted to inquire about -some of his old associates, and he knew that I could tell him. 'Where's -Johnnie Vance?' he asked. 'I looked in at his old office just now and -no one seemed disposed to tell me.' I shook my head and pointed up the -road. He saw what I meant. 'Jail?' he whispered. 'Jail? What was the -trouble?' 'Embezzlement,' I told him. 'Well, well, who would have -thought it?' he said. 'And maybe you can tell me if Willie Rossiter is -still in his old crib,' he asked. I shook my head. 'Don't tell me that -he's in jail too,' he cried. 'No, no--at least, not exactly. I want to -be fair to every one. It's not jail, only the asylum.' 'What!' he said. -'Willie Rossiter--the asylum? How did it come about--an accident?' It -went against my grain to tell him that it was drink, but he pressed me -and I had to do it; and then he went on to talk about the old town for -some time, but I could see that he had another friend to ask about. He -pretended to be at the point of going and then suddenly to remember that -there was somebody else. Jimmy Gray--it was Jimmy Gray. 'By the bye,' -he said, 'I wonder if old Jimmy Gray is still knocking about.' I smiled. -'No, he's not doing much knocking about just now,' I told him. 'Not -dead?' he asked. 'Oh no,' said I; 'only he has just taken rooms in the -Bridgend Hotel.' 'What! the workhouse?' he cried. 'The workhouse -indeed,' said I. 'And nobody would have known anything about it if he -hadn't made a fool of himself writing to the Board of Guardians -complaining that he had been kept waiting for a quarter of an hour when -he had applied for admission.' That was the last of his inquiries after -his old friends. But they had all been restless chaps like himself--not -settling down to anything properly. Still, he didn't ask me to lend him -any money, and that was something." - -I could scarcely fail to see that this exemplary citizen felt keenly the -value of the dramatist's suggestion, that it is very dangerous for a man -to fall out of line with the rest of the community. Social laws exist -for the community, not for the individual. At the same time, I was not -so firmly convinced as my friend seemed to be that Mr. Starkie's career -could be pointed to as a notable instance of the peril of marching out -of the way our fathers trod. He had declined to yield to the influences -of the magnet that "hung in the hardware shop" of his father, and had so -forsaken the two hundred a year and the obscurity of his native town -for the million dollars which he had earned by his inventions in -Pennsylvania, to say nothing of the fame which accrues to an inventor -who knows how to put his inventions on the market; so that there might -really be some people ready to assert that Joe Starkie's restlessness -suggested that a divergence from the scheme of the Red-man on the -warpath, who is careful to step into the footprints of the man who -goes before him, may now and again be advisable. I did not say so to -my exemplary citizen, however; for the fame of Joe Starkie had not yet -reached the place of his nativity, and the exemplary citizen might have -asked me what about Joe Starkie's old friends who were now sojourning in -various public institutions, and he would not have been satisfied -with my replying to the effect that they had stayed at home, and were -suffering for it. - - - - -II.--OUR FATHERS' FOOTSTEPS - -In the way our fathers trod"--that seems to be the proud boast of the -English country towns, and I am not sure that it is not a worthy -one, though its application to certain cases is certainly humorous. -I remember revisiting a town where I had once lived, and getting into -conversation with an elderly and well-to-do inhabitant. I mentioned -having met in London a surgeon who had been born in and lived in the -town. He certainly enjoyed the largest practice in London, and, in -addition to the K.C.B., bore as many continental orders as permitted of -his wearing (which he did) a very dingy dress-coat without its dinginess -being perceptible. His reputation had, however, eluded the cognizance of -his native town. - -"What a fool he was to go off to London, when he might have done so well -here," was the comment of the elderly citizen upon my proud boast that I -had met Sir William in London. "If he had only held on here he might by -this time have got the best dispensary in the town." - -I did not doubt it. - -He took the same view in regard to the career of another eminent -townsman, who, I mentioned, had just been made an F.R.S. - -"If he had been wise and carried on his father's business here he might -have been a J.P. by now," was his solemn comment. - -I thought it better to refrain from any further remarks, lest I should -be made to feel more acutely than I did all that I had forfeited by my -premature departure from a town that offered such prizes for obscurity. - -There are still a large number of country towns in England where the -feeling still remains that any departure from their precincts is, if not -absolutely fatal, at any rate risky. I have met people in more than one -town who looked on a man's going to America as equivalent to absconding. -I suppose most of these places have some foundation of their own for -the tradition. It is quite plausible that, seventy or eighty or even -a hundred years ago, some wild young men may have found a voyage to -America to offer them a satisfactory alternative to an appearance behind -the spikes of the dock of the County Court-House, and America got a bad -name in consequence, being looked on as a continent peopled by men who -had gone wrong at home. However this may be, I must confess that I was -startled, when I first came to Thurswell and mentioned that I heard that -a young man who had played a good deal of lawn-tennis during the summer -was going to the States, by the inquiry-- - -"Why, what has he been doing anyway?" - -It did not come from one of the rustic population, but from a tradesman -in quite a good way of business--a considerable proportion of it in -canned provisions into the bargain. - -I believe that when Dr. Watson, the author of _Beside the Bonnie Brier -Bush_, went on his first lecturing tour to America, the financial -results of which were so satisfactory, an impression prevailed in -certain directions that the act was unworthy of a clergyman of the -Presbyterian Church, and he was made the object of a severe attack in -some quarters. - -One can easily appreciate the attitude of people who have lived all -their lives in an English country town in regard to the restless members -of a family. One has only to walk through a churchyard and read the -names on the tombs to understand how deeply rooted in the soil are the -people. So far as Thurs-well and Mallingham are concerned, a stroll -through one of the churchyards is almost equivalent to studying a -directory. The same names as are cut upon the tombs--some of them going -back a hundred and fifty years--are to be seen over the shop windows -to-day and on the dairy carts and the farm carts. In some cases the -name of a yeoman ancestor reappears in a Grand Jury list, indicating a -material advance in the social scale. The migration that has been -going on in our county for the past two hundred years seems to be -interparochial. Individuals moved from village to village and from -village to town. It is only within the past twenty-five or thirty years -that the ablest and the best have occasionally braved public opinion and -set sail for a colony. - -Even families that have "got on" seem to love to cling to the county -which saw the very small beginnings of their ancestors. Why should they -not? Love of one's county is only a subdivision of the grand virtue of -love of one's country. It was only when a certain aged doctor, who had -the family history of our neighbourhood at his fingers' ends for over -sixty years, published a volume of interesting reminiscences, in the -course of which he took occasion to refer to the very humble beginnings -of some families that considered themselves very "swagger," that -we learned how tenaciously they had clung to their county. Even the -slow-moving Mallingham is not without its romances of "getting on." One -of the most intrepid motorists in the borough is remembered by several -middle-aged burgesses as the wearer of the green baize apron and -the wielder of the broom of the caretaker and window-cleaner of a -solicitor's office; and from what I know of him I am inclined to believe -that that was the best kept office in the town when he had charge of it. - - - - -CHAPTER ELEVEN--THE CATHEDRAL TOWN - - - - -I.--IN THE SHADOW OF THE MINSTER - -BROADMINSTER IS ONE OF THE LESSER cathedral towns of England. There is -nothing remarkable about the Minster except its antiquity. It does not -convey the idea of vastness as do some of these venerable buildings. -One would never imagine oneself in the midst of a petrified forest -on passing through the porch. The carving about the pillars does not -suggest lacework in stone, though it is admirable in its way, and -the screen shows signs of having been "restored" in the days when -restoration meant spoliation. The coloured glass of the windows is not -especially good, but the oldest is undoubtedly the best. The modern -memorial windows were apparently estimated for and the specification of -the lowest-priced competitor accepted; but, really, the Chapter should -have prevented the perpetration of such a blunder as that of the artist -who, in his representation of the entrance to the sacred tomb, with the -sleeping Roman guards on each side, put a crescent moon in the very blue -sky! But for that matter, when I pointed out the mistake to one of the -higher canons, he did not perceive for some time that the Paschal moon -was bound to be within a few days of the full. - -The old Minster is, however, worthy of every respect, if it does not -quite inspire such feelings of reverence and awe as does Westminster -Abbey or Canterbury or Durham or Santa Croce at Florence. One feels that -it is the sort of building one can trust. It is solid throughout, -and that is something. I remember years ago, when I was lecturing a -long-suffering group on the marvels of Milan, calling attention to the -wonderful scheme of lighting by which the High Altar was made the centre -of illumination, I observed some shadows of the stone spandrels on the -roof for which I could not account. There the light spines and ridges -flowed upward to meet at the apex, and there the shadows slept, -increasing the effect amazingly. Only after some patient investigation -did I find that the groins were painted on the woodwork to imitate the -stone where the stonework ended! - -If there is nothing to wonder at in the interior of Broadminster, there -is at least something to trust. It is sound throughout. - -But why, oh! why, should that old woman be allowed to stand just outside -the porch with a basket of nuts on her arm, offering them for sale to -all visitors? - -A stranger within our gates was puzzled by this apparition at the door -of the church. He had just come from London, and he had been taken to -the Zoo. He looked for some reason for the nuts at Broadminster--reason -and consistency. If nuts, why not buns, he wished me to explain to him. - -I felt incapable of clearing away this mystery. I could not tell him, -under the shadow of the sacred building, the legend that I invented to -account for the nuts, but I told him in full when we got away from that -influence of veracity: it had to do with a crusader who, forsaken by his -comrades in the Lebanon, was forced to sustain himself with nuts, -and vowed that if ever he should get back to England he would endow -a Minster and decree that nuts should be offered at the porch between -prime and angelus every day for a thousand years. He kept his vow, -hence---- - -That was eight hundred and eighty-two years ago, so that only one -hundred and twenty of the vow had yet to run, and then---- - -He was barely satisfied with this explanation. I could scarcely blame -him: it did not satisfy myself. - -There are some people who think that the best part of St. Ursula--the -Minster is dedicated to St. Ursula--is the Close. The Deanery, and the -residences of the canons, major and minor, and all the officials of the -Cathedral, lay as well as clerical, stand on two sides of a square, with -the old building in the centre. Green meadows with a glimpse of green -hills beyond are on the other sides of the square, and just behind the -houses of the Close flows the Avonbeck, a narrow winding river in which -trout may be caught by the dozen by the least skilful fisherman. - -The beautiful gardens of the Close slope down to the banks of the river. - -I was told a pathetic story by the wife of one of the dignitaries -respecting a young man who had never any especial leaning for the Church -as a career, but who made up his mind, when he saw this Close and walked -through the gardens and fished in the Avonbeck, that the Church was the -only possible profession for him. He went through the usual course, was -ordained, and appointed to a parish in a slum in the Midlands, where he -has remained ever since--and that was twenty-five years ago. - -Equally pathetic, however, to some people may be the case of the -clergyman who practically started life as one of the lesser dignitaries -of the Cathedral and has remained there ever since--and that was -thirty-five years ago. It was said that he was once a good preacher, and -even now he seldom falls more than a couple of tones in going from -the Responses to the Prayers. He began with high ideas regarding Greek -texts, but now he devotes himself to Canadian trout. He has great hopes, -he told me, for the future of Canadian trout. - - - - -II.--THE NEW PALACE - -The Palace of the Bishop of Broadminster is not, of course, among the -buildings of the Close. It stands in its own grounds about two miles -away, and it bears tokens of having been built within the last quarter -of a century. It did not start life as a palace, but as the country -house of a business man in a bustling town. The story of how it became -the Palace is a curious one. - -The original Palace was a big square barrack of a place, costing a great -deal to keep up and giving no adequate return for its upkeep. It was a -survival of the days when a bishop was expected to maintain a retinue of -servants and never to go out for a quiet drive unless four horses were -harnessed to the coach. The stables were built to accommodate twenty-two -horses: it seemed to be understood that no self-respecting bishop could -do with less, so long-lived are the Church traditions of the Middle -Ages; and the servant retinue was expected to be maintained in the same -proportion. The consequence was that the revenues of the diocese were -quite insufficient to do more than keep up the place; they left nothing -over for the poor Bishop himself, who could do very well with a 15 h.p. -motor and a garage 25' x 15', a single chauffeur, and a gardener, instead -of six horses, a coachman, an under-coachman, four grooms, and nine -gardeners. - -Every now and again the question of the requirements of the Palace as -opposed to the requirements of the Bishop was cropping up, and -certain newspapers published letters from ignorant and irresponsible -correspondents in which the phrases "bloated revenues," "princely -prelates," "modern Wolseys," and the like recurred, particular emphasis -being laid upon the fact that his lordship kept no fewer than -eleven gardeners--a very moderate exaggeration--for his own personal -gratification as a horticulturist. And all this was very harassing for -the poor Bishop. - -Now in the years when the upkeep of both the Bishop and the Palace was -becoming a serious problem, there was living in a bustling manufacturing -town a hundred miles from Broadminster a quiet little business man named -Robinson. He had begun life in a rather small way; but before he was -forty, having no expensive tastes and being engaged in a lucrative -business, he had made a fortune--not, of course, such a fortune as may -be made in the United States in these days, but still a fortune for an -English provincial town. It so happened that he lodged with two maiden -sisters slightly older than himself, and when he was about fifty he -asked the elder to marry him. She agreed, and married they were. - -After living a year or two in the house in which he had lodged they -started a one-horse brougham, and a little later Mrs. Robinson had a -fancy to live in the country; and as her husband invariably thought as -she did on every subject, he at once set about building a house that -would always be worth (his architect assured him) the money he spent -upon it. Mrs. Robinson being a pious woman and liking the Cathedral -service, the site of the house should be, they determined, within easy -reach of Broadminster. - -It was an admirable house when it was finished, and the three-acre -garden could easily be managed by one man and a boy. This was in the -days when a financial episode, known as the brewery boom, was beginning -to be felt throughout the country, and it was known that Mr. Robinson -had made as much in a week out of brewery shares as paid for the -house he had built and the gardens that had been laid out for him by -a competent landscape architect. And on the first morning that he -breakfasted in their new home he presented his wife with the title-deeds -of the whole, and made over the furniture to her as well. - -For five years they lived there in great happiness, and it was known -that they were devoted to each other; but before they entered on their -sixth year Mrs. Robinson died, and her husband found that she had made -a will leaving the house and grounds and furniture to the Church -authorities--whoever they were--for the use of the existing Bishop of -Broadminster and his successors for ever. - -It appeared that Mrs. Robinson had become aware of the Palace -difficulty, and made up her mind that she should do her best to solve -the question of providing a reasonable residence for the Bishop in place -of that insatiable monstrous barrack which he had been compelled to -occupy, and upon which he was forced to spend every penny of his income. - -Although the will rather startled Mr. Robinson--for his wife had not -confided in him that it was her intention to provide for the Bishop -and his successors--he had no fault to find with it. He confessed to -a friend that his dear wife had solved a question that might have -perplexed himself; for he had no relative to whom he might reasonably be -expected to leave the place. - -But before many days had passed he received a message from the -ecclesiastical solicitors begging him to have the goodness to let them -know at his convenience when it would suit him to give their clients -possession of the house: and then he was really startled. A visit to his -own solicitor made him aware of the fact that no provision had been made -in his wife's will for allowing him to continue residing in the house or -using the furniture therein--that he was, in fact, a trespasser in the -house that he had built for himself! - -A little thought, however, convinced him that as soon as the facts -of the case became known to the Church authorities there would be no -trouble in obtaining their consent to his remaining on in the house; but -it soon appeared that he had been rather too sanguine on this point. -It was explained to him that the authorities were unfortunately left -without any option in the matter, and possession of the place must be -given to them within three months, rent for this period to be paid by -him at a rate that might be agreed between his solicitor and themselves. -They were ecclesiastically courteous, but legally firm, and so Mr. -Robinson had to leave the house on which he had spent many hours -of loving and intelligent thought the gardens to which he had given -particular attention while they were being laid out, and the furniture -which he had selected piece by piece from the best makers. - -He was allowed to take away his own clothes, however, and he began to -feel that this was a concession. - -He went to Lausanne and died there a few years later, leaving about a -hundred thousand pounds to various charities, but none of them having -any connection with Broadminster. - -Before the end of the year in which the property was acquired by the -Church it became the Palace, Broadminster: previously it had been called -Leighside Hall. - -And from that day it is understood that the Bishop has been saving money -to make up for the years which the early locust abode of his had eaten. - - - - -III.--ANTE-MORTEM GENEROSITY - -Curiously enough, there stands within view of the new Palace another -house with a history attached to it which may strike some people as -illustrating, with a humour that is still more grim, the inconvenience -resulting from ante-mortem generosity on a large scale: post-mortem -generosity may occasionally be risky, but its display on even the most -lavish scale has never been known to cause any personal inconvenience to -the one who indulges in it. - -The house is an interesting old Jacobean one, standing on the side of a -mound within a loop of the river. - -It has consequently a series of terrace gardens which are quite -delightful at all seasons. For years it was occupied by a Captain -Hesketh and his wife, the latter having inherited it with a handsome -fortune from her mother, who was the heiress of a family of considerable -importance in the county. At her husband's death Mrs. Hesketh continued -to live alone in the old house with a niece--for she had no children -of her own--and in course of time the girl fell in love with a man who -seemed in every way the right sort of person for her to marry, only for -the fact of his having a very limited income. The girl's aunt, however, -having nothing to live for except the witnessing of the happiness of the -young couple, was generous enough to make over to them all her property, -retaining only a sufficient sum to enable her to live in comfort for the -remainder of her life. - -At this time she was sixty-three years of age, and her wants were very -simple. It is said that the annuity which she purchased amounted to no -more than three hundred pounds a year. Twelve years later, however, -the lawyer whom she had entrusted to carry out this portion of the -transaction for her died, and an examination of his affairs revealed the -fact that, instead of spending the money which she had handed to him in -the purchase of an annuity guaranteed by an Insurance Company of good -reputation, he had treated it as his own, and had merely paid her a -quarterly allowance. He died a bankrupt, owing thousands of pounds -to clients whose money he had appropriated; so that at the age of -seventy-five the unfortunate lady found herself penniless. - -Her position was annoying, she told the man from whom I had the story, -but she did not feel it to be serious. Of course, she had only to -explain matters to her niece and her niece's husband and they would -take care that she should not suffer through the swindling agent. She -hastened to have an interview with them on the subject, and was actually -smiling as she told them what had happened. She was not smiling, -however, when the interview terminated; for she found herself treated -by them as a begging stranger. They gave her a sound scolding for her -unbusinesslike credulity: the idea of entrusting her money to such a man -without taking the trouble to find out how he had invested it! The thing -was absurd--grossly absurd, and they thought that she deserved to suffer -for her culpable carelessness! - -Of course, though surprised and hurt at this want of sympathy, the old -lady readily admitted that she had been very careless; but the man had -been her lawyer and her husband's lawyer for over thirty years, and she -had implicit confidence in him, she said. After all, she reminded her -relations that she was an old woman, and that in all probability she -would not be a burden to them for more than a few years. - -This plea did not seem to soften them in any way; at any rate, it did -not prevent her niece from expressing the opinion that it was most -inconsiderate on her part to expect that she and her husband should -accept the responsibility of keeping her for the rest of her life. They -had two children to educate, she explained, and it was going too far to -expect that they should be made to suffer because of her stupidity. - -The poor old lady felt herself turned out of her old house--the house in -which she might still have been living if she had not been so foolishly -generous. - -The next day, however, she received a letter from her niece's husband -informing her that, after due consideration of the matter, he and -his wife had come to the conclusion that, although she had no claim -whatsoever upon them, they might be able to allow her a pound a week for -life. He trusted that she had saved enough during the previous twelve -years to allow of her living comfortably--many women, he reminded her, -were compelled to live on much less. The final sentence in his letter -was equivalent to an exhortation to her to thank Heaven for having given -her a niece of so generous a disposition. - -The story reached the ears of a lady who had been her friend for many -years, and she insisted on her rejecting the alms of her niece, offering -her a home with herself, and expressing her happiness to receive her -under her roof. The old lady accepted her friend's invitation; but at -the same time she made application to be admitted as an inmate to a -certain almshouse which had been founded and endowed by one of her own -ancestors. This step, however, she took in secret, and at least a year -would have to elapse before she could hope for admission to the charity. - -It so happened, however, that her generous friend had a son who had -obtained some eminence at the Bar, and it seemed that the grim humour of -the whole story appealed to him very strongly. But on thinking over the -matter he perceived that this element in the story was not so finished -as he thought it should be, if properly worked out by an ironic fate. He -considered himself to be something of a critic in such matters, and it -was possibly his artistic instinct that prompted him to make a move with -a view to remedy the deficiency that he perceived in the story. He had -acquired a pretty fair knowledge of men and their characteristics, and -it occurred to him that a solicitor who gave up so much of his attention -to the movements of stocks and shares as did this dishonest one who was -the cause of the old lady's disaster, might possibly have been guilty of -some neglect in respect of the deeds of gift conveying her property -to her niece, and he turned his attention in this direction. He knew -exactly what legal machinery to put in motion for the purpose of his -inquiry, and the result he considered highly satisfactory; but it is -doubtful if the ungrateful niece of the poor lady for whom the solicitor -he had engaged was acting was of the same opinion when she received -notice that a motion was about to be made before His Majesty's judges -to set aside the deed of gift made twelve years earlier on account of a -vital flaw in the document itself. - -The ungrateful niece and her husband consulted their solicitor when they -received their shock. He laughed reassuringly at first. - -"Sounds very like a bit of bluff," said he. "What does it mean? Why -should your aunt want to get into her hands again the property that she -made over to you?" - -The man told him that the lady had been the victim of a rascally -solicitor, and so was left without a penny. - -"And now she seems to have got into the hands of another of the same -stamp, only worse," said the lawyer. "I don't think you need be uneasy. -I'll get a copy of the original deed and get counsel's opinion about it. -Trent will be the man. I'll send it to Trent. He is the leading man for -that sort of thing. If there's any flaw in it he'll be able to lay his -finger on it." - -The two clients looked at each other with something like dismay on their -faces. - -"My aunt has been living for the past three months with a Mrs. Trent, I -have heard," said the lady. - -The lawyer opened his eyes unusually wide and screwed up his mouth into -the form of a puckered O. - -"She is his mother," he said after a pause. "But why--why should -he bother about such a piece of business as this? Why should he be -interested in upsetting the deed when it was obviously the intention of -your aunt to present you with the property? You have not quarrelled with -her, have you?" - -"Oh no, there was no quarrel. She came to us with her story, of course, -and we at once offered to do something for her," replied the niece. - -"Of course. That was the sensible thing to do. But this only makes the -matter seem more mysterious. She accepted your offer, I suppose, and -why, then, she should----" - -"She didn't accept it." - -"What! Did she make a demand on you to return the whole property?" - -"Never. But she suggested that we should make good the three hundred a -year of her annuity." - -"But isn't that what you say you promised her?" - -"We told her we couldn't afford that; but we offered her fifty-two -pounds a year." - -"A pound a week--one pound a week? Oh, my dear lady! A pound a week! -Surely you are joking." - -"We thought that she must surely have saved a good deal during the -twelve years." - -"Three hundred a year, when you deduct the in-come tax, doesn't leave a -gentlewoman much margin for saving." - -The man of the law shook his head and assumed a very serious look. - -"Of course, I can't say anything at this moment as to the sort of case -they have against you; but I do not feel justified in concealing -from you my impression that if it is as we suppose, and Mr. Trent has -pronounced against the deed, the Court will take his view of it. Trent -is not the man to try on any sharp practice. And my advice to you is -to make any sacrifice to prevent the case from going before the Court. -Trent, if he is moving in the matter, must feel the ground pretty -firm under his feet. What a pity it was that you did not suggest three -hundred a year to the lady instead of--oh, that was undoubtedly -a mistake--a pound a week. Well, we can only do our best in the -circumstances. Who are the solicitors that sent you the letter?" - -The lady gave him the name of the firm, and in due course he -communicated with them. An examination of the doubtful document removed -the possibility of his retaining any doubt as to its being invalid, and -his clients were assured that they could not contend the case there was -against them. - -After this, I suppose, there was a scene that could only have justice -done to its varied features by the pen of a gifted novelist. I can see -the weeping niece on her knees in front of the old lady who had been -her benefactrix, but whom she had repaid with gross ingratitude. Her -children would possibly be kneeling by her side--they certainly would on -the lyric stage or in the last chapter of the novel. No doubt the aunt -would be greatly affected, though properly reproachful. But I doubt -if the gallery of the theatre or the readers of the novelette would be -quite satisfied with the conclusion of the story; for the generous -aunt allowed her original gift to stand, only stipulating for her three -hundred a year out of the estate. - -Whatever humour one may perceive in these stories is certainly of that -unusual type which one might expect to find associated with a cathedral -town. It is the humour of an Old Testament parable--hard, and with a -lesson attached to it. - -Not precisely of the same nature was the definition of the duties of the -verger suggested by a promising youth, whom I had instructions to lead -round the Minster by his relations: they intended him to become an -architect, and thought that he should become acquainted with the design -of all the cathedrals to begin with. At first he supposed that the -dignified gentleman wearing the black gown and carrying a mysterious -emblem of authority was an archbishop, and I fear I failed to place him -in possession of the facts respecting the duties of the verger, for -he nodded, saying--"Ah yes, I understand--a sort of dignified -chuck-er-out." - -It is not on record that there was attached to any great ecclesiastical -institution a dignitary who discharged the duties of a calcitrator. And, -so far as Broadminster is concerned, one may say that, whatever brawls -disturb the peace of other churches upon occasions, tranquillity reigns -within these grey walls and harmony among the spirits of its fortunate -aisles. - - - - -IV.--THE BLACK SHEEP - -Only the merest echo of a rumour of years ago regarding a parson who -managed to creep into the Chapter when he should have been excluded -survives to-day. And even this attenuated scandal would have faded away -long ago if some people had not kept it alive by a story which owes its -point to the use made of the shady parson's name by an old reprobate who -desired to score off a worthy clergyman. The worthy clergyman had come -to pay a serious parochial visit of remonstrance to the old reprobate, -and had made up his mind, in antique slang, to "let him have it hot." He -had tried the velvet glove of the kindly counsellor several times with -the same man, and now he determined to see what the mailed fist would -do. Chronic intoxication was the old reprobate's besetting sin, and that -was--with more frequent intervals of repentance--the particular failing -of that parson who had been a thorn in the flesh to the Cathedral -Chapter. It was, however, the vice of which the visiting clergyman was -most intolerant; so he launched out in fitting terms against the old -reprobate, demonstrating to him how disgraceful, how senseless a thing -it was to be a sot. - -[Illustration: 0211] - -The man listened to him until the first pause came, and then he sighed, -saying--"Truer words were never spoken, sir, and no one knows that -better than yourself, Mr. Weston." - -Now Weston was the name of the frail parson, who had been dead for -several years, and to hear himself so addressed was very nettling to the -teetotal clergyman. - -"My name is not Weston," he said sharply. "You know that I am Mr. -Walters." - -"I ask your pardon, sir," said the man. "But I hold with all you say, -and no one has ever said the same better than yourself, Mr. Weston." - -"Don't call me Weston," cried the clergyman. "The fact that you are -muddled on a simple matter like this shows clearly to what condition you -have sunk." - -"I don't doubt it, sir," acquiesced the man sadly. "It's not a condition -for any human to be, though mayhap it's worse when it overtakes a -passon, as I'm sure you'll hold with me, Mr. Weston." - -"I was informed that you had been sober for some days," said the -clergyman. "But I now begin to fear that you are far from being anything -like sober. Have you had anything to drink to-day?" - -"Not a drop--not a drop, I'm sorry to confess to you, Mr. Weston." - -The good parson sprang to his feet. - -"You are a wretched man!" he cried. "You are clearly so bemuddled with -that poison that you are incapable of recognising who is speaking to -you." - -"Nay, nay, sir; I'm not so far gone as that. I'm never so far gone -but that I can know when a passon's a-speaking to me, Mr. Weston. I -s'pose 'tis summit in their manner o' speech, Mr. Weston." - -The tortured clergyman caught up his hat and rushed from the cottage. - -Few people would have given the old reprobate credit for striking upon -so subtle a scheme of retaliation upon the clergyman who was a model -of rectitude, had not the clergyman himself been indiscreet enough to -complain, as he did with great bitterness, that the horrid old man was -so fuddled with drink as to be incapable of differentiating between a -cleric who had never been in the shadow of a cloud and one who had never -been otherwise than shady, and who, moreover, had been among the shades -for several years. - -There were, however, some people who had had experience of the readiness -of resources of the old reprobate, and who knew how he had aimed at -getting even with his upright visitor. And so the story spread, and -was the means of keeping green, if one may be allowed the metaphor, the -unsavoury memory of the thorn in the flesh of the Chapter. - -But if the wicked old man only simulated for his own base purposes a -mistake as to the identity of Mr. Walters, there was certainly no such -evil intention on the part of a young woman who, when on a visit to a -relation living in Broadminster, was invited to a dinner party and was -taken in by a fine-looking man of military appearance whose name was -pronounced by their hostess as Colonel Trelawney. The lady rather prided -herself on being equal to converse with men of any profession, and she -at once started with her partner at the table on a military topic, and -continued to ply him with questions of a more or less technical sort, -on most of which he professed an ignorance surprising in one who had -attained to the rank of a commanding officer. She almost became cross -with the completeness of her failure to draw him out; but just as the -cheese straws were going round she asked him in desperation if there was -any branch of the Service in which he was interested. - -"Well," he said, "of course I am interested in every part of it, but -just now I have been studying all the authorities on the order of the -Creeds, and I must confess that I find them enthralling." - -She was puzzled. - -"Are you in the Sappers?" she asked after a long pause. She had heard -that some of the Sappers had peculiarities. - -"The Sappers?" he repeated. "The Sappers? I'm afraid I don't quite -understand your question. How could I----" - -"Are you not Colonel Trelawney?" she cried. - -"I am Canon Trelawney," he replied. "What! Is it possible that you -fancied--oh, it must be so. That is why you have been talking on -military topics all this time. Colonel! Oh, this is really amusing! -Colonel!" - -"I thought that our hostess had said 'Colonel,'" she murmured. "You must -have fancied that I was mad." - -"It was largely my own fault," said he. "I am a little old-fashioned, -and I have never taken kindly to the modern innovation in evening dress -adopted by my brethren. My father was a parson and he habitually wore -ordinary evening dress, and I followed him in this particular. I think I -shall have to get a dog collar and satin stock after all." - -The lady did not care whether he did or not. She felt she had wasted an -evening. - - - - -CHAPTER TWELVE--A CLOSE CORPORATION - - - - -I.--TROLLOPE'S MRS. PROUDIE - -NO ONE WHO HAS LIVED FOR ANY length of time in a cathedral town can -fail to appreciate the perfection of Anthony Trollope's Barchester -series of novels. In my opinion no more artistic achievement than the -creation of Barchester and its people exists on the same scale in the -English language. I do not think that there is a false note in any -scene--a crude tone in any character. Certainly no writer ever dealt -with the members of any profession with such completeness and without -ceasing to interest a reader from page to page, from chapter to chapter, -from volume to volume. Fancy any writer venturing upon five long novels -with all the chief characters solicitors or solicitors' wives and -daughters! Fancy a dozen medical men stethoscoping their way through -a thousand closely printed pages! We know what military novels we have -been treated to from time to time--stuff to send guffaws round every -mess-room--as crude as the red of the tunics that gave the marksmen of -other armies every chance in the old days. - -The personages in _Barchester Towers, The Warden, and The Last Chronicle -of Barset_ are such finished pieces of characterisation that they strike -one as being photographs from life. One feels that the author must have -had intimate acquaintance with the originals of his portraits, as well -as with their entourage, before he could produce such transcripts from -nature. - -I suppose there was a good deal of speculation when the Barchester -novels were appearing as to the identity of the various cathedral -dignitaries. It seems to me that such a "placing" of the people was -inevitable. But an example was given me of the artistic way in which -Trollope went to work in the case of one of his best remembered -characters that let me see what a master of his art he was. I was some -years under twenty when _The Last Chronicle_ fell into my hands: it -was the first novel of Trollope's that I read, so that was the first -acquaintance I had with Mrs. Proudie. Before I had got through many -chapters I knew that I was listening to the voice of the wife of an -Irish Prelate--a lady whose character and temperament had been a twenty -years' tradition in the household of which I was a member, and whose -reputation had followed her from one city to another. The more I read of -the book the more impressed I was that this lady had been the model for -Mrs. Proudie in spite of the fact that the two had practically nothing -in common--nothing except the essentials that go to make up a character. - -Mrs. Proudie was a plain, rather stout little woman, but my Mrs. -Proudie was a tall, slight, and undoubtedly beautiful woman, even when -middle-aged--the most perfect type of the traditional aristocrat. It -would have been impossible for her to do any of the pettifogging of -Trollope's vulgar person, in the way that Mrs. Proudie did it, but -it was quite clearly understood--by no one better than the Bishop -himself--that she was the ruler of the diocese. She was the mother of a -family every member of which was remarkably good-looking; but Trollope -laid emphasis upon the commonplace daughters of the Proudies. - -Only an artist of the highest rank could create a character such as Mrs. -Proudie from the suggestions he had derived from the rumours respecting -our Bishop's wife, and only an artist of the highest rank could create a -personage which compelled all readers who knew the original to recognise -the source of his inspiration and feel certain of its identity in spite -of the absence of all outward marks of identification. - -For several years after reading the Barchester series I was accustomed -to hear people in the neighbourhood in which I lived refer to the -Bishop's wife as Mrs. Proudie--several clergymen certainly did so; but -quite fifteen years had passed before I heard that, previous to his -writing _Barchester Towers_, the author had been stationed in the same -neighbourhood as an Inspector in the Post Office Department. - -"In those days," said my informant, who had served under Trollope, "the -Bishop's wife was at the height of her fame. Every one was talking about -her and the way she kept the poor Bishop under her thumb. We expected -that Mr. Trollope would make something out of her." - -When I asked him how he could reconcile the difference between Mrs. -Proudie and the other lady--how he could reconcile Mrs. Proudie's death -in _The Last Chronicle_ with the other's still active life, he told me -that he had never read any of Trollope's books: the only writings of -Trollope that had come under his cognizance were the official reports -which he made to the head of the Department! - -Beautiful to the last, and ruling to the last, _our_ Mrs. Proudie -survived the published record of the other Mrs. Proudie by nearly thirty -years. I write this chapter sitting on a sofa which I bought out of the -Palace. The fact that the receipt of my cheque was signed by the Bishop -and not by the lady, suggests that in financial matters his lordship was -permitted to discharge the humblest of clerical duties. - -In Broadminster there has never been a rumour of a Mrs. Proudie; but -occasionally there comes a discordant note from the belfry of the -Cathedral. Only a quick ear can detect it, but having detected it, one -is conscious of an impression of uneasiness, and asks oneself or anybody -else if it is possible that all is not well in the Close. - -What sounds like the merest tinkle of discord outside Broadminster -reverberates throughout the Close, causing uneasiness and even -perturbation at times. - -During the past three years there have been two threatenings of huge -upheavals in Minster circles. The rumblings of an earthquake were heard -by some people of acute hearing, and the local seismometer--her name -is Lady Birnam--foretold a cataclysm. But happily the centre of the -disturbance passed away in another direction, and the foundations of the -Cathedral remained intact. - - - - -II.--THE INNOVATORS - -The volcanic force which caused all the alarm was a young clergyman -who, by reason of his personal merits and his relationship to the Dean, -became the most minor of all the canons, and probably the most pleasing. -But before he had been a year in attendance it was rumoured that he had -views, and no clergyman with views had ever been associated with the -services at the Minster. There have been clergymen who took a lively -interest in landscape photography--even colour photography--and others -who had rubbed with their own hands some of the finest monumental -brasses in the country. A prebendary went so far in horticulture as to -stand godfather to a new rose (h.p.), and a precentor who devised -an automatic reel--a fishing-rod reel, not the terpsichorean--but -no dignitary had previously been known to develop views on the lines -adopted by this Canon Mowbray, for his views had an intimate connection -with the Church Service. - -He had been heard to express the opinion that it was little short of -scandalous that people should enter the Cathedral and find themselves -surrounded by beauties of architecture and facing combinations of colour -in glass that were extremely lovely--that they should be able to hear -music of the most elevating type efficiently rendered by an organist -of ability and a well-trained choir, but the moment a member of the -Chapter--one of the dignitaries of the Church--began to discharge his -duties, either in his stall, at the electern, or in the pulpit, the -congregation were subjected to an infliction of mediocrity sometimes -verging on imbecility. It was little short of scandalous, he said, that -the most highly paid functionaries--men whose education had cost a great -deal of money--should show themselves so imperfectly equipped to -discharge their simplest duties in an intelligent manner. Few of them -could even intone correctly, and he had a suspicion that intoning was -invented to conceal their deficiency in reading the prayers. When they -stood at the lectern and read in that artificial voice that they assumed -for the Lessons for the day, treating the most splendidly dramatic -episodes with a tameness that suggested rather more than indifference, -they proved their inefficiency as plainly as when they stood at the -altar-rails and repeated the Commandments in that apologetic tone they -put on, as if they hoped the people present would understand quite -clearly that they, the readers, were not responsible for the bad taste -of the compiler of the Decalogue in referring to offences of which no -well-bred lady or gentleman would be guilty. - -And then he went on to refer to the preaching.... - -Now Canon Mowbray did not give expression to his views all at once. He -was forced to do so by the action of the Dean and Chapter after he had -startled them all, and the congregation as well, by his dramatic reading -of the First Lesson, which was of the discomfiture of the Priests -of Baal by the prophet Elijah--a subject treated very finely by -Mendelssohn. - -The truth was that Canon Mowbray had paid a visit to London every week -in order to get a lesson in elocution from a well-known ex-actor, and at -the end of six months had mastered, at any rate, the fundamentals of the -art. His performance, regarded by itself, would have been thought quite -creditable; but, judged by comparison with the usual reading of the -Lessons in the Minster, it was startling--thrilling. Long before he had -got to the ironic outburst of the prophet, "Cry aloud, for he is a god," -he had got such a hold upon his hearers that when he made a little pause -the silence was striking. At the close also, when he had shut the -Book and stood for a few moments before saying, "Here endeth the First -Lesson," the silence was the ecclesiastical equivalent to the plaudits -of the playhouse at the effective close of an act: he might have said, -"Here endeth the First Act." - -It seemed as if there was not a sirloin in Broad-minster over which -the performance was not discussed. Sides were taken in almost every -household of faith, some people condemning the innovation, others being -enthusiastic in its favour. The one said it was too theatrical--it was -not for clergymen to put themselves into a part, as if they were actors; -the other affirmed that the Bible should be read by a clergyman as if he -believed what he was reading, not in that _voix blanche,_ as the French -call the insincere monotone which for some reason, hard to discover, has -been almost universally adopted as the voice of the Church. - -As a natural consequence of the discussion the attendance at the -afternoon service was immense, for it was understood that Canon Mowbray -was to read one of the Lessons. Men who had become quite lax in their -churchgoing looked up their silk hats, and even chapelgoers, having -heard of the morning performance, hastened to the Minster just to see -how theatrical it was. The organist wished he had chosen a more showy -anthem than "In Judah is God known." This was quite too commonplace for -such an occasion, he thought: it would allow of the clergy's competing -with the choir for popularity, the idea of which was, of course, absurd. - -The offertory was nearly double that of any afternoon of the year. - -There could be no doubt that the "draw" was Canon Mowbray. He filled the -stage, so to speak; when he went to the lectern the effect was the same -as is produced on a full house by the entrance of the "star," and once -again the silence was felt to be a subtle form of applause. - -Canon Mowbray had no chance of electrifying his hearers, for they were -expectant; he managed, however, to get far more out of an unemotional -chapter than had ever been got out of it before, so that it was made -perfectly clear to every one that he meant to pursue the line he had -struck out for himself, and for the next few days there was no real -topic in Broad-minster but the innovation of Canon Mowbray. - -It was not surprising that the Close should be greatly perturbed by the -innovation. The Chapter was against it to a man. They had got into a -groove so far as the church services were concerned, and they had been -running very easily in it for many years. Where was the need to make any -change? they asked. But even if some change was needed, why should it be -such a one as that of which Canon Mowbray had made himself the exponent? -There were the weaker brethren to consider: in every clerical discussion -the question of considering the weaker brethren plays a prominent -part. The weaker brethren objected very strongly to the introduction -of elocution in any florid form at the lectern or in front of the -altar-rails, and beyond a doubt the playhouse--a theatre is invariably -alluded to as a playhouse by people who are arguing against it--the -playhouse and the House of God are separate and distinct, and any -attempt to introduce the atmosphere of the former into the latter -savoured of irreverence, and should not be tolerated by any one having -at heart the welfare of the Church. - -Of course, Canon Mowbray was quickly made aware of the opinion of the -Chapter regarding his innovation, and then it was that he made use of -the somewhat intemperate phrases already quoted in defining the artistic -incompetence of the clergy; and the clergy speedily learned all that he -had said and was still saying about them, and they were naturally very -much displeased. - -But what could they do in the matter? - -Well, it was obvious that they could be cold to him--they could delete -his name from the list of invitations to their whist parties and dinner -parties and luncheon parties. They could make it difficult for him to -get up a set at lawn-tennis or badminton; and, sure enough, they put -in motion all the apparatus of excommunication which is still at -the command of the Church. But the result was not all that had been -anticipated; for the people who felt that they owed Canon Mowbray a good -turn for the entertainment with which he had provided them for several -Sundays, got up special parties in his honour: dinner parties, and -whist parties, and even "tweeny" parties--the Sunday lunch between the -services at the Cathedral which occupies so prominent a position in the -convivial rgime of Broadminster. But Canon Mowbray was wise enough not -to accept any of the invitations that he received. He knew that there -was far more to be got out of a pose as persecuted reformer than from -appearing at the most elaborate tweeny lunch that the most interesting -house in the town could provide. - -He was quite right; for within a month he was summoned before the Dean -himself, and remonstrated with on the error of his excessive elocution. -It was understood the great Dignitary had used his own weapons against -him during this interview: his elocution was excessive as he referred to -the Canon's attempt to introduce an element into the services which -had previously been monopolised by the playhouse--the Dean, of course, -called the theatre the playhouse. - -It need scarcely be said that this interview of remonstrance represented -a martyr's crown of 22 carats, hall-marked, to Canon Mowbray, and he -took care to display it: he never appeared in public without it. He -brushed his hair to accommodate its rim upon his head--every one who -has come in contact with a martyr knows how far the brushing of his -hair goes to the establishment of his claim to the crown--and it was -understood that even if Canon Mowbray's "size" had been in excess of -that marked on the ticket in his hat, it was nearly certain that within -a short time his head would be found quite equal to the wearing of his -crown without any one suggesting that it was a misfit. - -But he had got the better of the Dean in the interview--he took care -that this fact became known. He had not forgotten himself or his -position for a moment. He had expressed his great regret that the Dean -was unable to look at the question of the innovation with his, the -Canon's, eyes; he had a great respect for the Dean's opinion on most -matters, and he knew no one whose advice he would follow more gladly; but -in this particular point he found it impossible to do so. Surely if -the art of the musician was admitted into the services, the art of the -elocutionist should not be excluded--and so forth. Good taste? He was -said, that he could not allow any considerations of what some people -called good taste to interfere with what he believed to be his duty. -After all, good taste and bad taste were merely relative terms. It was -not possible that on any aesthetic grounds Mr. Dean would be prepared to -say that the slovenly reading of the Sacred Word to which they had been -for long accustomed at the Minster was more tasteful than--than one in -which the ordinary principles of elocution were observed. - -It was when the Dean was confronted with arguments which he made no -attempt to answer that he became grossly personal, Canon Mowbray said, -attributing to him, the Canon, motives unworthy of a clergyman with any -sense of his high calling, and thereby proving pretty conclusively, the -Canon thought, that as an arbiter of good taste the Dean could scarcely -be admitted to a position of any prominence. - -The result of the Dean's remonstrance was to strengthen the Canon's -cause in the eyes of his adherents; and when one of these friends wrote -a letter to the newspapers, expressing the opinion that if Canon -Mowbray had been guilty of any breach of discipline the ecclesiastical -authorities should take action with a view to justifying themselves in -the attitude they had assumed in regard to him, the general opinion was -that the Canon had triumphed, for the Dean and Chapter knew perfectly -well that they had no power to accept the challenge implied in the -letter: the question was not one of turning to the east or turning -to the west, or of lighting candles in a place where no artificial -illuminant was required, or of wearing an overelaborate robe--it was -solely a question of taste, and the discipline of the Church has nothing -to do with matters of taste. - -It was at this point that Lady Birnam, who claimed to be a local -ecclesiastical seismometer, so to speak, prophesied a cataclysm that -would shake the Church to its foundations. She went far beyond the -advisory committee of St. Paul's in considering the consequences of -making new subways by the London County Council. - - - - -III.--THE PEACEMAKERS - -And yet within a couple of months the last rumble of the threatened -disturbance had passed away. - -This is how the _status quo ante bellum_ was restored: - -The offending Canon was in the habit of confiding in his supporters his -feeling of sorrow that none of his clerical brethren had the manliness -to follow his example and read the Lessons as they should be read: -he had quite believed, he said, that in a short time the slovenly, -monotonous reader would have ceased to appear at the lectern; he was -greatly disappointed. - -But one Sunday an elderly Prebendary astonished every one by "putting -on" two separate and distinct voices in reading the First Lesson. It was -the chapter in which Moses pleads for the Children of Israel when their -destruction is threatened by the Almighty. Now it will be plain to any -one that to treat this duologue in an elocutionary style requires a -delicacy of touch of the rarest sort; but unhappily the reader seemed -to have the idea that all that was necessary to deal with the most -important passages effectively was to deliver them in two voices, -and this scheme he adopted. The one voice was that of a good-natured -gentleman taking the part of naughty schoolboys who had been caught -robbing the orchard of an irascible old farmer; the second voice was -that of the irascible old farmer who had cornered them and had sent one -of his staff for a dog whip. - -The effect was startling at first. It seemed as if the clergyman had -seen Irving in _The Lyons Mail'_ and thought he could not improve -greatly upon the method of the actor in the dual rle--speaking in the -mild accents of the amiable Lesurges on the one hand and in the gruff -staccato of Dubose on the other. At first this touch of realism was -startling, but as it went on it became queer, then funny, and at last it -had the element that made its emphatic appeal to most hearers, that of -burlesque. Some of the congregation were shocked: they had no idea that -"God spake these words and said" in the tone of a testy old gentleman. -Others were frankly amused and showed it without reticence; and the -entertainment closed with the giggling of choir-boys. - -The Second Lesson was read by Canon Mowbray in a very subdued way. -Contrary to the expectation of a good many people, he made no attempt -to match himself in realistic effects against the Prebendary; and when -during the week remarks were made in his hearing respecting that member -of the Chapter and his elocution, he only shook his head sadly. The -other members of the Chapter could do no more. When an elderly clergyman -has made a fool of himself within the precincts of his church people can -only shake their heads. - -But the next Sunday the congregation who crowded the Minster at the -afternoon service shook not only their heads but their bodies also in -their decorous but wholly ineffectual attempts to smother their -laughter while the Prebendary read a chapter in the Book of Ruth which -necessitated, he thought, full orchestral treatment. He clearly saw -the parts for a basso, a tenor, a soprano, and a contralto, and he set -himself about doing all four by subtle modulations of his voice. Now, -people do not as a rule mind a middle-aged parson's putting on a gruff -voice when reading what a man said, or going up an octave or so when -assuming the dialogue of a milder-mannered man; but when he puts on -a falsetto, and a very high falsetto, when he essays to reproduce the -words of a woman, and occasionally breaks in an attempt to lay the -emphasis on the right words, the most decorous of folk will either laugh -or weep--and the great majority of the worshippers in the old Minster -this day did the former. Quite a number hurried from the Sacred -Fane with their handkerchiefs held close to their mouths. But once -outside---- - -That was how the scandal which threatened to make Broadminster Chapter -a house divided against itself was dispersed. It was obvious that the -Minster was too antique a place to be made the scene of so great an -innovation as Canon Mowbray had attempted to introduce, and he at -once fell back into the recognised monotone, with a suspicion of the -sing-song rising and falling from sentence to sentence in his reading of -the Lessons, and the Prebendary once more followed his example; and so -the plague--or worse--was stayed. - -But the general impression that prevailed throughout Broadminster -when the whole question of the innovation was discussed was that -that middle-aged Prebendary had not gone very far in making a fool of -himself. They had heard of a potent form of argument technically known -as _reductio ad absurdum_, but they had never before had so signal an -instance of its successful operation. - - - - -IV.--THE VOX HUMANA - -Some years had passed before there was another little fluttering in the -Minster dovecotes; but this time the disturbing element happily did not -arise within the Chapter. The fact was that at the afternoon service one -Sunday a voice of extraordinary charm was heard when the first of the -hymns was begun. It was the voice of a professional soprano, and one of -the finest _timbre_ beyond doubt; but it was so clear and so resonant -that, to make use of the verger's criticism whispered into my ear, it -gave the rest of the congregation no chance whatsoever. Now every -one knows that there is nothing so startling in a church as one voice -ringing out even a single note above the vague cloud of sound, if one -may be allowed such a phrase, that comes from a singing congregation. -But here was a young woman who went through every verse of the hymn -as though the volume of sound coming from the nave, the aisle, and the -choir itself were only meant as a sort of background for her voice. - -Of course before the third stanza was reached the great majority of -those who had been singing had ceased. They saw that, in the verger's -phrase, they had no chance against so brilliant a vocalist; they -turned their eyes upon the young woman, some of them with frowns of -indignation, but others with frank admiration. But undoubtedly all -were startled. - -When the second hymn began it was plain that the music presented -no difficulties to the stranger; she sang as before with exquisite -sweetness and expression, but still with a ringing clearness that -suggested the song of the skylark soaring above a field of corncrakes. -Even the efforts of the choir did not rise much above the melody of the -corn-crakes in early dawn when that girl was singing. - -Naturally such an unusual display caused a considerable amount of -talk in Minster circles. It was pronounced in many directions to be -in extremely bad taste for any young woman to sing down a whole -congregation in such a way; but while some people said it must be put a -stop to at once, others declared that they had never had such a treat -in their lives. (They probably meant for the expenditure that was -represented by their donations to the offertory.) - -But when the wives of such members of the Chapter as were blessed with -wives declared definitely that a stop must be put to so unreasonable a -display of an undoubted gift, their husbands asked how they proposed to -put a stop to it; and once again it appeared that, after all, the powers -of a Cathedral Chapter are very limited. - -Inquiries were made as to who the singer actually was; but no one seemed -to know her. She was a stranger, and was certainly not living in the -town. - -The next Sunday brought about a repetition of the same rather -embarrassing scene. The vocalist, who was a very handsome and an -expensively but not showily dressed young woman, sang as before quite -unconcernedly, and apparently oblivious of having done anything out of -the common. - -At the end of the first hymn, however, the organist's boy was seen to -approach her, and to put a piece of paper into her hand. It obviously -contained a message to which an answer was required, for the boy waited -while she read the thing, and then she inclined her head, evidently -signifying her assent to whatever suggestion it conveyed to her. - -No one who saw the act doubted that the organist had sent her a message, -begging her not to sing quite so loud. - -In due course the precentor announced that "the anthem is taken from Job -xix. verses 25, 26: 'I know that my Redeemer liveth... and though worms -destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God.'" - -The lovely notes of the organ obbligato were heard in the introduction, -and then the people in the church became aware of the fact that the -melody was not being sung by the usual choir-boy, but by the stranger; -and never before had it been sung with such feeling or such an -appreciation of its beauty. It was natural that the old Cathedral-goers -should look at one another with startled eyes at first--here was an -innovation indeed!--but before long the most hardened of them all -had yielded to the exquisite charm of the girl's voice, and when the -triumphant notes rang out there was no one who remained unmoved under -that ancient canopy of Gothic arches. - -And that unhappily is the end of the whole story. The girl and the -elderly lady who had come with her to the Minster walked away at the -close of the service, and no one was able to say in what direction they -went or whence they had come. No one in the town knew either of -them. They had not been at any hotel, nor had they taken the train to -London--the organist made it a point to be at the station to find out. -That beautiful, singer might have been a celestial visitant sent as a -special compliment to the organist of the Minster--it was rumoured that -the views of the organist were strongly in favour of this theory--so -mysteriously had she come and so utterly had she vanished. - -But during the week that followed that episode in the Minster little -else was talked of in the town. The Chapter took the gravest view of the -action of the organist in sending that note to the vocalist, asking her -if she would kindly sing the solo: he confessed that he had done so. -They said that it was quite irregular, and he acknowledged this also; in -fact, he was ready to acknowledge every thing to which the Chapter -took exception if they would in turn acknowledge that he had been -instrumental in providing them with such an artistic treat as they had -never known within the walls of the Cathedral. And then he began to -laugh at them, for he knew that they all had a wholesome dread of him, -from the Dean down. He broached that suspicion about the angel, and -lectured them upon the good fortune of some people who had entertained -angels unaware. He wondered if that mysterious vocalist had entertained -them. If so, he hoped that they would contrive when intoning the prayers -in future to end up within a tone or two of the note on which they had -started. - -[Illustration: 0237] - -They smiled and were silent. Some of them thought that he had let -them off easily enough. They were trembling lest he should go into -particulars. - -But for that week there was a great deal of controversy in Church -circles respecting the episode, and on the following Sunday the Minster -was crowded; for it was rumoured that the organist had another anthem -with an effective soprano solo which he meant to spring upon the Chapter -in place of the baritone, "What is man that Thou art mindful of him?" -which was on the board, in view of the reappearance of the girl. - -Every one was disappointed, however; the service was conducted as usual, -for the soprano was not there, and Mr. Stone, the very capable baritone, -had it all his own way in respect of the anthem. He never sang it better -in all his life, and everybody went home disappointed, except perhaps -the Chapter and their womenfolk, who had perceived how easily a vocalist -of exceptional ability may in certain circumstances be the means of -causing confusion in the conducting of the services of the Church. - - - - -V.--THE PILGRIM'S PROGRESS - -I am inclined to think that the people of Broad-minster are about the -best informed of all people in the county in regard to general topics. -But sometimes this opinion, which so many visitors form, is not -confirmed by residence in the town. In these days, when one hears that -it is impossible to educate a girl as she should be educated for less -than 200 a year, one expects a great deal of knowledge from girls -generally. A clergyman of the town, who is not connected with the -Minster, is constantly telling me of instances that have come under -his notice of the most expensively educated girls showing an amount of -ignorance that should, but probably would not, make a Board School girl -blush were it brought home to her. He assured me that the daughter of -one of the Minster dignitaries, in seeing a casual reference to Elaine, -had begged him to tell her in which of Shakespeare's plays she appeared: -she herself had made a diligent search through that author without -success. - -I could scarcely believe that such an incident had taken place, for I -was under the impression that Tennyson was still read by girls; but a -short time afterwards I overheard a couple of young women--one of them -not so very young--talking on literature. - -The elder had mentioned that she had read in a magazine that the best -account of the great plague was in a book written by Defoe, and she -wondered if the other girl knew what book it was in. The other shook her -head, saying-- - -"You need not ask me; the only book of Defoe's that I ever read was -_The Pilgrim's Progress_, and I never finished it." - -"I thought you might chance to know," said the other complacently, -evidently not seeing her way into any side issue in respect of the -authorship of _The Pilgrim's Progress._ "I'm tremendously interested in -something I have been reading on tropical diseases, and I thought that I -should like to learn something about the old plagues." - -I fancy that both young women went through a course of English -literature at their expensive school, and they probably would reply to -your assurance that you knew the difference between Daniel Defoe and -John Bunyan and their works when you were twelve years of age, that they -could have done the same. What chance has Defoe against golf or Bunyan -against badminton. If a girl only puts her heart into it she can -forget between eighteen and twenty-four much that she has learned -previously--at a cost of a couple of thousand pounds or thereabout. - -But, I repeat, there is a great deal of intelligence to be found in all -circles in Broadminster, and now and again one is confronted by some -strong piece of evidence of original investigation on a historical as as -well as a literary subject. Seldom, however, does one have an important -logical conclusion to an apparently trivial incident enforced upon one -with the same lucidity as characterised a lady's expression of surprise -that the hallucinations of the great Duke of Wellington in the latter -years of his life had not been commented on by any of his biographers. -People were accustomed to laugh at the assertion of the Prince Regent -that he had been present at the battle of Waterloo, and at the -Duke's reply to him when appealed to for confirmation: "Indeed, I -have frequently heard your Royal Highness say so." But what about the -Duke's own hallucination? Is it not recorded of him that upon one -occasion, when watching the playing fields at Eton, he declared that -the battle of Waterloo had been fought there? Yet although everyone -knew that Waterloo was in Belgium, no one seemed to have noticed the -extraordinary mental lapse on the part of a man who might reasonably be -supposed to have the chief features of the locality impressed upon him. -She added that she feared, if the error were not pointed out in time, -the Duke's statement might become generally accepted, and so posterity -might be led to believe that Napoleon's career had been brought to a -close on the banks of the Thames, which was not a fact. - - - - -VI.--THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE MINSTER - -The effect of residing for some time in such a town as Broadminster--a -community on which the shadow of an ancient Minster has rested for nearly -six hundred years--is noteworthy. One breathes of the atmosphere that -clings about the old stonework, and, in time, one is conscious of one's -ideas and aspirations becoming assimilated with the traditions of the -place. On a fine morning in summer even an Irishman feels himself to be -an English Conservative--a genuine Tory of the good old days when boys -were taught to touch their hats to a "passon," and when it was a matter -of common knowledge that the finest vintage ports were reposing in the -cellars of the Close. - -An instance of the insidious influences of an atmosphere too strongly -charged with Anglozone--one must invent a word to express this -particular elixir of the cathedral town--came under my notice some years -ago. A young American lady, after travelling about a good deal, settled -in a beautiful old house in Broadminster. Rooms panelled with old oak, -an oak staircase with well-carved newels and finials, and a room on -the wall of which some frescowork of the fourteenth century had been -discovered, completed the charm which the Minster bells began in the -mind of the young woman, and she began to speak English as incorrectly -as if she had been born in England. - -I met her one day wearing mourning--not exemplary mourning, but enough -to induce a mild and conventional expression of sympathy. - -Oh no, it was not for any near relation, she said; but surely I had -forgotten that the day was the anniversary of the execution of the -Earl of Strafford. What Strafford was that? Why, of course, Charles the -First's Strafford. How could Englishmen be so neglectful of the memory -of one of the greatest of Englishmen? - -"If you go into mourning for Strafford, I suppose you fast upon the -anniversary of the death of Charles the First?" I suggested. - -"The martyrdom of King Charles is commemorated in some parts of the -States in the most solemn manner," she replied. "Oh yes, I can assure -you that we are Stuart in every fibre of our bodies. I am President of -the White Rose Society of Chillingworth County, Massachusetts." - -"But you are not, I hope, active Jacobites?" said I. - -"Well, no--not just yet; but we can never acknowledge the Hanoverian -succession. We owe the Hanoverians a grudge: it was a king of that house -who brought about our separation from Great Britain. That old wound -rankles still." - - - - -CHAPTER THIRTEEN--AMONG THE AMATEURS - - - - -I.--MR. BARTON'S HIGH NOTE - -THE ARTISTIC INFLUENCES OF A CATHEDRAL with a good organist and a -capable choir in any town cannot be questioned; and so it is that the -concerts which take place with some frequency in Broad-minster and -the neighbourhood are usually quite good. The members of the choir are -always ready to sing for the many deserving objects that occur to the -active minds of the organisers of amateur concerts. One of these ladies, -however, made up her mind that people were getting tired of the local -tenors, and resolved to introduce a new amateur, whom she had heard sing -at Brindlington, for a concert she was getting up for the Ophthalmic -Hospital. This gentleman's name was Barton, and he was said to be a very -promising tenor of a light quality. He certainly behaved as such when he -came to Broadminster to rehearse on the afternoon of the day preceding -the entertainment. Dr. Brailey, the organist of the Minster, had kindly -consented to play the accompaniments as usual, though his best tenor was -to be superseded by the gentleman from Brindlington, and he attended the -rehearsal. - -Before he had got through the first stanza of the stranger's -contribution--a song that the musician had accompanied hundreds of -times--he found himself being instructed by Mr. Barton how to play the -introduction to the second stanza. Then he found himself told that he -was playing too loud: "Keep it down, my dear sir, keep it down--this is -not a pianoforte solo," said the amateur petulently, to the horror of -everyone present, with the exception, apparently, of the musician; -for Dr. Brailey only smiled and remarked that he hoped he would with -practice be able to give the gentleman satisfaction. But even this -course of suavity did not seem to produce a good impression upon the -amateur: he continued grumbling, winding up by saying-- - -"Oh, well, I suppose that will have to do," while he turned his back -upon the musician. - -But the musician did not seem in the least hurt. He smiled. - -He was in his seat at the piano the next evening when the new tenor came -forward to sing his song. It occupied, of course, the best place in the -programme, and the first stanza came off very well: the high note a bar -or two from the close was in itself a feat, but the singer produced it -correctly and hung on to it as long as he could, and Dr. Brailey gave -him every latitude, not proceeding with the accompaniment until he had -quite finished with it. - -And then Dr. Brailey did a thing which he alone in the town could do: he -raised the key a tone in attacking the second stanza without the singer -being aware of it; it was only when he approached the same high note to -which he had clung in the first stanza that he began to feel that he was -not so much at his ease in forcing it again. He pulled himself together, -however, and just managed to touch it--there was no thought of clinging -to it now; he touched it and then hurried away from it down the scale, -and under covert of the encouraging applause which the singer received -the accompanist unostentatiously raised the key again as he dashed into -the third stanza. Gratified by his previous success, the tenor went -gallantly onward; again he realised that the high note would tax him to -the uttermost--he felt that he was straining his voice to touch even -a lower note. But what could he do? The copy of the song which he held -trembled in his fingers; then he took a quick breath and made a dash for -the high note. - -He never reached it--his voice broke upon it with the usual comical -effect, and the young people in the audience yelled with laughter. A boy -scout or two at the back of the hall thought the moment a propitious one -for showing how accomplished they were in imitating the everyday sounds -of the farmyard; and under such a volley, mingling with the laughter -of the choir-boys, one of whom simulated the tremolo of a cat unable to -fulfil its engagements in good time, and attempting to produce Chopin's -Funeral March from the beginning with a far too meagre orchestra, the -singer turned and almost fled from the platform. - -It was Dr. Brailey who had to announce to the audience at the start -of the second part of the concert that Mr. Barton, owing to a sudden -indisposition, would be unable to sing "Let me like a Soldier fall"--the -other song that was opposite his name on the programme--but that their -old friend, Mr. Stamford, had kindly stepped into the breach and would -do his best with that number. - -"Loud and prolonged applause," the _Gazette_ stated, followed the -announcement; for Mr. Stamford was the leading tenor of the Minster -choir. - -Mr. Barton, carrying with him his three encore songs--he had come -fully prepared to meet the preposterous demands of an enthusiastic -audience--left Broadminster by the night train. And up to this day I -believe that he does not know by what diabolic trick on the part of -some one he made such a fiasco. He has been heard to declare that no -persuasion will ever induce him to sing again in Broadminster, and, so -far as I can gather, there is no likelihood of any machinery being set -in motion to cause him to break his vow. - -I think that the claim which the musical fraternity of Broadminster -advance respecting the moral tone of their performances, whether given -under the patronage of the Church or not, can certainly be maintained. -The Kreutzer Sonata has been placed on the _Index Expurgatorius_ of the -Concert Committee ever since Tolstoi wrote a foolish book pointing out -whither that composition was likely to lead young people with a tendency -toward voluptuousness; and when a lady of a sensitive nature but an open -mind submitted to them a song which she had been advised to sing at a -forthcoming concert, pointing out where in one line the writer of the -words had, she thought, gone a little too far, they considered the -matter with closed doors and all females excluded, and decided that her -suspicions were but too well founded, and that the offensive line should -be altered. This was done, and the honour of Broadminster was preserved -intact. - -The name of the song was, "It was a Dream," and the line objected to -was-- - - "We kiss'd beneath the moon's cold beam." - -The shock of this shameless confession was mitigated by the substitution -of the word "met" for "kiss'd"-- - - "We met beneath the moon's cold beam-- - - It was a dream--it was a dream!" - -"Nothing could be happier than the change," said Lady Birnam. "It left -so much to the imagination." - - - - -II.--THE MUSICAL TABLEAUX - -Some people have been heard to affirm that there is too much music -going on at Broadminster. There may perhaps be some grounds for the -assumption. At any rate, it is certain that of late few concerts -contributed to solely by local talent have paid their expenses. The -opinion seems to be general that when the vocalists can be heard every -day of the week free of charge in the Minster, people are unwilling to -pay three shillings, two shillings, or even (back seats, unreserved) one -shilling for listening to them at a concert. - -Some time ago, however, when the annual Coal Fund was started, it was -absolutely necessary to get up a concert to make a contribution to -this excellent charity; and Lady Birnam undertook the direction of the -affair. - -After consultation with some friends from a distance who were supposed -to have sounded all the depths of schemes for the relief of "deserving -objects," she came to the conclusion that music, illustrated by -_tableaux vivants_, offered the greatest lure to the public. Such a -combination had never been attempted in the town, and its novelty would -make an appeal to the jaded palates of a concert-ridden community. - -The plan of illustrating the music was quite a simple one. Certain -dramatic songs were selected and scenery painted to form a suitable -background for the episode treated in each; an illustrative group was -arranged against such a background, and when the curtain was raised after -the singing of each stanza it was like looking at the pictorial cover of -the song itself. - -For instance, in "The Village Blacksmith" the baritone sang the first -stanza, up went the curtain, and there appeared on the platform a living -picture of the smith, brawny arms and all, in the act of raising a -hammer to strike a very red-hot horseshoe. The next stanza sung was that -which referred to the children looking in on the smithy, and when it was -sung a charming picture was displayed of immaculate children standing -around the door, while the smith neglected his work to pat them on the -hair. The third tableau showed the interior of a church with the -smith in the family pew raising his eyes pathetically as he hears his -daughter's voice in the choir. - -The idea seemed a very pleasing one, and it had the "draw" of novelty -about it. It was found that several good songs lent themselves admirably -to illustration by tableaux, and the young men and maidens were pleased -to have the chance of posing in aid of a deserving charity. It so -happened, however, that Mr. Stamford's mother died only a few days -before the date of the first public performance, so that he was forced -to remove his name from the programme. He was to sing "She wore a Wreath -of Roses," and the three groups that were arranged for the song were -expected to be among the most effective of the evening. - -Mr. Stamford was very sorry to relinquish his intention of singing, but -he promised the Committee to provide the best substitute possible to -get, and this was a friend of his who occupied a position in a bank at -Mallingham. He promised to communicate with this gentleman and to tell -him what he was to do. He was sure to know "She wore a Wreath of Roses." -The substitute turned up in good time: there was, of course, no need for -a rehearsal! Mr. Stamford had told him what he was to do, he said, and -he preferred playing his own accompaniment. - -The first two sets of the evening were received with every token of -approval by the audience: the songs were "The Village Blacksmith" -and Pinsuti's "Night Watch"; and then the charming young lady in -mid Victorian dress, and with a wreath of pink roses on her dark hair, -posed on the das against a suitable background. The signal was given to -the tenor, who was seated at the piano behind the curtain. He struck a -few chords and began in excellent style. - - "Here a sheer hulk lies poor Tom Bowling." - -He had actually got to the end of the first stanza before it dawned -upon any responsible person that this was not the "Wreath of Roses," and -before he could be arrested he had declared that - - "Faithful below he did his du-i-ty, - - And now-ow he's gaw-aw-en aloft." - -Up went the curtain, revealing a refreshing picture of the pretty girl -in the muslin dress and the pink wreath, and after the usual interval -for applause the curtain fell. Never had the applause been louder: it -caused the members of the Committee who were preparing to strangle the -singer to lose their heads completely, and the singer was well through -the second stanza before they recovered themselves sufficiently to -perceive that it was now too late to do anything, and he went on -complacently to say that - - "Tom never from his word departed----" - -and so on through the simple, pathetic stanza; and then the curtain rose -and showed the charming young lady in white satin among her bridesmaids -at the door of the church, and once again the applause was rapturous. - -"Heavens above! what do the fools mean by applauding?" whispered the -chairman of the Committee. - -"Let them go on if they please," said some one. "They think that this -is Tom Bowling's bride--his fidelity is rewarded, that's the moral -illustrated. 'Tom never from his word departed'--there you are, you -see. 'His heart was kind and soft,' and the combined virtues have their -reward--_vide tableau._" - -Then those of the Committee who had some sense of humour hastened into -the anteroom to roar with laughter. They were still so engaged when the -curtain rose for the third and last time, showing poor Tom Bowling's -widow in appropriate garments. Having heard three times that Tom had -gone aloft, it would have been ridiculous if any less pathetic scene had -been shown to the audience. - -The decent interval that elapsed before the applause came showed how -deeply affected was the audience. - -But the singer at the piano was pounced upon by the Committee and -prevented from going on with his song. He protested that he had only -sung three verses, and that he was bound to finish it; but the Committee -were firm. Not another note would they let him sing, and he retired -hurt. - -He was questioned in the anteroom as to how on earth he came to sing -"Tom Bowling" when Mr. Stamford must have told him that his song was to -be "She wore a Wreath of Roses." Did not Mr. Stamford tell him that? he -was asked. - -"Oh yes, he said that; but I wasn't going to sing that foolish, -sentimental rot. Anybody who knows anything about music will agree with -me in thinking that 'Tom Bowling' is worth a dozen of the other, and I'm -supposed to sing 'Tom Bowling' rather well." - -[Illustration: 0255] - -This was the explanation given by the visitor, and it was commented on -pretty freely by some of the Committee. - -But the consensus of opinion among the audience and the critics was in -favour of the belief that the tableaux illustrating scenes in the life -of Tom Bowling--and his widow--were the most effective of the whole -entertainment. - - - - -III.--THE DRAMA - -It must be obvious to the least experienced that such a community as -may be found in an artistic neighbourhood like Broadminster will -take kindly to amateur theatricals. There are two dramatic clubs in -Broadminster, and their performances are highly appreciated by the -members and their friends. The rivalry between the two is quite -amicable, for one set of amateurs devote themselves to the lighter forms -of the drama and the other to the loftier, and perhaps they might be -called without offence the heavier forms. It may be mentioned that -the former are the more popular, but those persons who attend the -representations of the latter consider themselves the more superior--as -indeed they are; otherwise they would have accorded the tribute of a -sunny smile to a little bit of dialogue, with accompanying action, which -took place in a performance of _King Renes Daughter_ which it was my -privilege to attend. - -At one place the King and the Moorish physician have had a long scene -together, for the physician is certainly inclined to be long-winded. -They go out together, and a couple of the courtiers enter the garden and -express surprise not to find the others waiting for them. One of them -says-- - -"The King is gone, nor can I see the leech." - -Now, if the amateur had simply said the words, his meaning, I believe, -unless I am over-sanguine, would have been understood. But when, after -shading his eyes with a hand while he gazed into the distance of stately -trees and saying, "The King is gone," he bent his eyes to the ground and -moved a stone or two about with his toe before adding, "Nor can I see -the leech," I am inclined to think he puzzled some of his audience. - -I had the curiosity to inquire what was in his mind when he sent his -eyes roaming about the ground while he grubbed with his feet, and I -learned that he thought it would be quite natural for any one searching -for a leech to move the stones about to see if it was concealing itself -in the earth. - -He was evidently under the impression that the wise physician was -habitually followed by a pet leech, or perhaps that he had brought it -with him to try what effect it would have upon the Princess's eyes, and -that it had escaped through a hole in his waistcoat pocket. - - - - -CHAPTER FOURTEEN--THE LIGHTER SIDE OF CLERICAL LIFE - - - - -I.--THE FRANK CANON - -I DO NOT THINK THAT, TAKING THEM all round, the Cathedral dignitaries -of Broadminster can be accused of assuming a greater importance than -is due to their position; but a story is told about a Canon, lately -deceased, which goes far to prove that he at least did not shrink -from putting forward what he believed to be a reasonable claim to -distinction--relative distinction. It is said that he was in the -one bookseller's shop which is still to be found in the town. It was -Saturday evening, when a stranger entered and, after buying a book, -inquired of the proprietor who was the best preacher in the place: he -explained that he was staying over Sunday and was anxious to hear the -best. - -This was too delicate a question for the bookseller (with a clergyman -at his elbow) to answer at a moment's notice; so he thought he would do -well to evade the responsibility by referring the stranger to the Canon. - -"This gentleman is a stranger to the town, sir," he said, "and he wishes -to know who is the best preacher. I thought that perhaps you, sir----" - -"I hope you will pardon me, sir," said the stranger. "I am staying here -till Monday, and I ventured to inquire who is the best preacher." - -"The best preacher, sir?" said the Canon, looking up from the book which -he was sampling. "The best preacher? I am the best preacher, sir: I am -Canon Hillman." - -The stranger was slightly startled. - -"Thank you very much, sir," he said quickly. "And who do you consider -the next best?" - -"The next best is my brother, sir, the Reverend Theophilus Hillman." - -The stranger raised his hat and hurried away. - -This Canon Hillman had a reputation for that sort of frankness suggested -by the story which I have ventured to repeat as it was told to me, and -which I have no difficulty in believing, from the example I had of his -manner several years ago. I was sojourning at an hotel between Nice and -Beaulieu, and he appeared one night at table d'hte dinner. It was -the custom for the proprietor, who, curiously enough, did not speak or -understand English, though he was a Swiss, to stand at the entrance -to the _salle manger_, bowing out his guests as they passed into the -spacious lounge after dinner, and in returning his courtesy, people said -a word or two in commendation of his cuisine, to which he responded with -further bows. - -It so happened upon this particular night, however, that one or two -little mistakes had occurred to mar the harmony of the repast as a -whole--they were quite trifles--the _pr sal_ being underdone and -a jelly not having set with that rigidity which is expected in such -comestibles, but which is not always to be found in them. - -While we were filing out of the room I was almost immediately behind -Canon Hillman, and I heard him grumbling to a man who had been at his -table, but who did not seem to sympathise with him; and this went on -until they had reached the bowing proprietor, when the Canon stopped. - -"I wish to tell you, sir, that I have never eaten a worse dinner at any -hotel in my life," he said. "There was not a dish that any one could -eat--I consider it simply outrageous." - -Not one word did the man understand, for the Canon had spoken in -English. The proprietor smiled and bowed most placidly, saying--"_Je -vous remercie mille fois, m'sieur--votre compliment est trs -distingu--trs gracieux; je suis heureux--merci!_" - -He had too hastily assumed that the clergyman had offered him the usual -congratulations upon his cuisine, and he had replied with more than his -customary politeness, the visitor having shown himself to be much more -enthusiastic than the ordinary run of people had time to be, considering -that most of them were counting the moments until they should be in the -Casino at Monte Carlo. - -I did not know who the very frank clergyman was at that time; but four -or five years later I recognised him at Broadminster. - -His brother, the second best preacher, assuming the correctness of the -Canon's judgment, though perhaps it might have been reversed on appeal, -was rector of one of the parishes, and it was rumoured that he was -not disposed at any time to take too humble a view of his claims to -distinction, however slow other people might be to admit their validity. -It is said that upon one occasion, on his return from a visit to the -Holy Land, he preached a sermon giving some striking examples of the -fulfilment of prophecy in connection with the topography of Palestine. - -"My dear friends," he said, "I was particularly struck with the accuracy -of some of the details of the prophecies, when one day I was among the -ruins of one of those cities referred to in the Sacred Writings. I had -the Book in my hand, and I read that the land should be in heaps: I -looked up, and there were heaps on every side. I read that the bittern -should cry there: I looked up, and, lo, a bittern was standing there in -its loneliness. I read that the minister of the Lord should mourn there. -My dear friends, _I was that minister_." - - - - -II.--THE "CHARPSON" - -The only clergyman in Broadminster who, so far as I have heard, was -fully qualified to take a place in one of the Barchester groups was a -person named Gilliman. He was a small, stout gentleman with a comical -ruddy face and sparse, bristly grizzly hair. He had no benefice, but -was one of those unattached parsons who, in the phrase of the servants' -registry office, was ready to "oblige" either by the day or as locum -tenens for an absent incumbent. He had been left a small competence by -his mother--quite enough for a clerical bachelor to live on, and he was -a bachelor. He never sought for a job, but when he got one he proved -that he held fast to the excellent precept that the labourer is worthy -of his hire. If any brother parson expected that he would take his duty -out of love or zeal, that parson left himself open to disappointment. -I think he would have made a worthy curate to Mr. Quiverful; but Mr. -Quiverful would have felt so chastened in spirit by his proximity that -he would have got rid of him within a month. - -He was a zealous patron of the amateur, whether musical or dramatic. He -could always be depended on to buy one of the cheaper, but never one -of the cheapest, tickets for a concert or a comedy, and he seemed as -pleased with the most incompetent amateur as with the best. He was -socially unambitious; no one seemed to invite him to any function, with -the exception of the Dean's annual garden party: he went to this, and so -did every one else. - -It was not until he had been a resident in Broad-minster for several -years that people found out why he had settled in that town. It might be -supposed that there were enough clergymen here to serve as a reservoir -for all the neighbourhood in an emergency. I once heard an American lady -who was on a cathedral tour through Europe say just outside Santa Croce -on a feast day: "There are priests to burn in Florence if I do my sums -right." Her slang meant that there was a superfluity of the clergy in -that city, and perhaps she was right. I will not make use of her slang -in referring to Broadminster, but assuredly it might strike anyone that -there was a sufficient number of clerics in the purlieu of the Minster -to meet the needs of the neighbourhood without making the presence of -so accommodating a person as Mr. Gilliman a convenience. In an unguarded -moment, however, he confessed to some one that years ago, when he had -first come to the town, it was his earnest hope to drop into some vacant -stall in the Minster. He had dreams of being appointed to a canonry by -some fortunate combination of circumstances, and he had gone on -waiting for such an accident, and meantime attending all the amateur -performances in the place. - -He was a very good preacher, people said who had heard him, and others -who had not heard him; but few were aware of how he managed to excel in -a direction that seemed just the opposite to the bent of such a man. -The truth was that his father had been a zealous rector of a parish in -Devonshire, and had bequeathed to him a large sackful of sermons that he -had preached to his flock since his ordination; and when the fortunate -legatee was called on "to oblige" for an absent cleric, he simply put -his hand into the mouth of the sack and drew out a sermon, put it into -his pocket, and went away and preached it in due course, dropping it -into his sermon sack on his return. Thus it was that people said he -preached much better than they expected--and he probably did so; but he -could not tell you the next day on what subject he had preached. - -That legacy and his impartial system of dealing with it served him in -good stead; but upon one occasion it might have caused him to feel some -awkwardness if he had not been so completely detached from his duty -in the pulpit. The fact was that he had been called away at a moment's -notice to take the duty for a clergyman who had knocked himself up by -umpiring in a cricket match on a very hot Saturday. He had never been -to the place before, so he had to look up trains and connections, and by -the time he had got out of this maze the train that he had selected was -almost ready to start. He hurried to the faithful sack and pulled out a -fat sermon roll, and rushed away for the station. - -He was lucky in catching the train and the subsequent connections, and -arrived at the church with nearly half an hour to spare. He went through -the service and found himself in the pulpit with his sermon opened on -the cushion in front of him. - -Now it so happened that the discourse which he had drawn in his usual -way from the paternal sack was the valedictory sermon preached by his -father in the church of which he had been rector for forty years, and -there was the son beginning it in a church which he had never seen -before that morning! - -He was quite unconscious of any want of felicity in his choice. He began -the sermon and went through with it, feeling no qualm. He had every -confidence in the orthodoxy of his father; he would never get into a -scrape through preaching what the dear old man had preached years ago. -And so he went onto tell his congregation that more than forty years -had passed since he had first stood before them to preach the Gospel -of Truth, and that every year of that forty he had stood where he was -standing to-day, Sunday after Sunday--that he saw before him aged men -and women whom he had known as young men and maidens--that by the favour -of Heaven he had lived to baptize the offspring of those whom he had -himself baptized in their infancy--yea, unto the third generation he had -come, and now he was standing before them for the last time. The hour -of parting had come, and would any among them say that that hour was not -bitter to them all? - -Well, no one did go so far as to assert that the hour was not bitter to -them all. I was assured that the congregation were bathed in tears, so -affected were they by the thought that the clergyman who had "obliged" -for the day was about to vacate the pulpit for ever. They felt the -blow deeply--much more deeply than the parson seemed to feel it, for he -managed to hold back his tears so long as he was in the pulpit, though -his marvellous powers of self-repression may have deserted him an hour -later, and he may have broken down utterly in the train when making the -return journey; the chances are, however, that he did nothing of the -sort, for he had not the remotest idea what the sermon had been about. - -And the strangest thing of all in connection with this incident is -that the churchwardens expressed themselves as greatly pleased with the -sermon, and one of them referring to it the next day in the hearing of -my informant, said he had never been so affected in his life as he -was under the influence of the sermon, and he hoped that the eloquent -clergyman would be able to preach it again in the near future. - -It is quite likely that his wish was gratified, though I do not think -that any one who had the best interests of the Church at heart would -advocate the adoption of the farewell tours system of the popular actor -or singer by the clergy. It might hurt the susceptibilities of some -members of a congregation to hear a clergyman bid an affecting farewell -to a crowd of people who were complete strangers to him, and the -sincerity of his sorrow might be called in question when they reflected -that an ordinary man can scarcely be broken-hearted at the thought of -never seeing again the faces he had never seen before. But that, of -course, involves the question of how far the susceptibilities of the -weaker brethren should be considered. - -My informant, who was present upon the occasion referred to, was also -a stranger to the place. He was staying with the doctor's family, and, -walking home from the church, the doctor's wife remarked how beautiful -the sermon had been. - -"Your rector bears his age very well," said her companion. "He does not -look a day over forty, and yet, according to his own account, he must be -at least sixty-five." - -"Our rector? But that clergyman is not our rector," said the lady. "Our -rector is ill; the one we had today came to do duty for him. He is a -stranger." - -"But why, then, should he talk of having baptized half the congregation -and married the other half--of never having been absent from the pulpit -for forty years and more?" asked the man. - -"Oh, you are hypercritical!" cried the lady. "Some latitude should be -allowed to clergymen. He only made use of one of the figures of speech -of the pulpit." - -It is recorded of the same estimable charpson--if a parson who also -discharges the duties of a squire has been called a squarson, may not -one who goes out like a charwoman by the day be called a charpson?--that -upon one occasion he was asked to do duty for an absent clergyman at a -village in Hampshire, but the contract was for the morning service -only. When he was disrobing in the vestry after preaching the ser mon, -a couple of churchwardens approached him on the subject of the evening -service also. He said that he would be very pleased indeed to take the -evening service, but of course he should have to receive another guinea. -The churchwardens demurred. They said they thought that, as he was on -the spot---- - -He shook his head. - -"I cannot see that that has anything to do with the case," said the -clergyman. "One service and sermon, one guinea; two services and two -sermons, two guineas." - -The officials agreed that the article was marked in plain figures; -but still they thought---- Well, would he consent to take the evening -service for another half-guinea? - -After thinking over the proposal, the clergyman consented to do so; and -then one of the wardens suggested that perhaps Mr. Gilliman would not -mind saying just a few words--not a sermon--not a regular sermon, of -course, but just a few words--to the congregation after the evening -service. - -After some further thought Mr. Gilliman said he would have no objection -to say a few words in this way, and the wardens thanked him and handed -him a sovereign, a half-sovereign, a shilling, and a sixpence. They went -so far as to pay him for the evening in advance, to show that they had -unlimited confidence in him. - -On his part he resolved to prove to them that their confidence in him -was not misplaced; so, after reading the evening service, he came to the -front of the altar-rails and said-- - -"Dear brethren, I have been asked to say a few words to you at this time -instead of preaching the customary sermon. What I wish to say to each -and every one of you whom I see assembled before me--and what I think -it is the intention of your churchwardens that I should communicate to -you--is that there will be no sermon in this church to-night. Let us -sing, to the praise and glory of God, the ninety-second Hymn." - -He easily caught the late train to London, though the evening service -in respect of trains is much more irregular than that at which he had -presided in the church. - -The Reverend Herbert Gilliman, B.A.Oxon, never received preferment; but -some one remarked to me after his death, when touching on his career, -that far less worthy parsons had been appointed to a cure of souls -by the patrons of livings, without the parishioners having any voice -whatever in the matter. - -I agreed with him, and said that I thought they managed these things -better in Scotland, where the candidate minister preached once or twice -to the congregation to allow of their judging of his powers before they -accepted him. - -"Yes," he assented. "I think that the application of the hire-purchase -system in these matters is highly desirable." - -"It's not exactly the hire-purchase system," said a purist in phrases. -"It is more of the 'on sale or return' system of business." - -"What was in my mind," said a third, "was a tasting order for spirits in -bond." - - - - -III.--THE BIBLE CLASS - -I prefaced my repetition of passages in the career of the Reverend -Herbert Gilliman with an expression of my belief that he was the -only cleric in Broadminster who suggested to me one of the slightly -shop-soiled clergymen in Anthony Trollope's Barchester novels. Of the -ladies of the Close or the ladies of the Palace I have never heard of -one who, in the remotest degree, suggested a relationship with Mrs. -Proudie. - -I have heard, however, of the recent appearance of a lady, who is said -to have an intimate acquaintance with the Greek language, at the weekly -meeting of the Bible class, presided over by the Dean, who, it is said, -has also got some knowledge of the same tongue. The Minster Bible class -is one of the most exclusive of lady's clubs. It is understood that no -one is eligible for membership who has not been presented at Court--at -least so some one, who was not a member, affirmed. Another defined it as -a sort of religious Almack's; but it was a man, and a clergyman into the -bargain, who said it was an attempt to run an eighteenth-century French -salon on Church of England lines. - -Without resembling Mrs. Proudie in even the most distant way, the lady -of whom I have heard has succeeded, I am told, in changing the whole -character of the Bible class--all through her knowledge of Greek. -Without being in any way insolent or even self-assertive, she has, I -think I am right in stating, openly differed from the interpretation -put upon certain passages by the Dean himself; and no human being in -Broadminster is recorded to have differed from the Dean on any point -whatsoever. But she was a stranger and apparently unacquainted with the -best traditions of the town; and, moreover, it was the Dean himself -who invited her to join the Bible class. And when she suggests quite -a different interpretation of a text from that advanced by the Dean, -referring him to certain of the newest "readings" as her authority, he -does not seem to be in the least irritated; indeed, on one occasion, -when the question arose as to the exact shade of St. Paul's meaning when -he made use of the particle _i_, the Dean was understood to say that he -thought the lady's suggestion well worthy of consideration. - -All the higher orders of the clerical establishment--those who are, so -to speak, "on the strength" of the Chapter--those to whom the great -Lord Shaftesbury would have given, without the reservation of a single -finger, his whole hand to shake--are not, however, so meek as Mr. Dean, -and it is whispered that two or three of them have recently been keeping -the Bible class at a distance, while others, in view of being called -on to preside at one of its meetings, have been seen searching on their -bookshelves for Liddell and Scott and blowing the dust off the edges. - -All the old members of the class are declaring, however, that in future -they will make complete ignorance of Greek an essential to membership. -The very existence of a Bible class assumes ignorance, and no one has -any business to belong to it who is capable of differing from the Dean, -or, at least, who is sufficiently tactless to express such a divergence -of opinion even though she may be sure of her ground. - -Such a show of feeling in this matter goes far to assure Broadminster -that there is no chance of Mrs. Proudie being tolerated in the diocese. - -When I was walking down the principal street of Broadminster--the street -on which the leading silversmith and the leading draper have their -premises--there went past a very high carriage. I hesitate to refer -to it as "well appointed," this chapter not being one of a novel, and, -besides, I do not quite know what is meant by a well-appointed carriage; -but the vehicle to which I refer was high, its horses were well matched -and good steppers, and the coachman and footman were also a match pair. -The young person with whom I was walking bowed to the occupants of the -carriage--a young cleric and an extremely goodlooking and well-dressed -lady. - -"Nice looking people," I ventured to remark. "You know them, it would -appear." - -"Know them? I should think I do know them: he is our curate," replied my -companion, who was, I may mention, the daughter of a clergyman. - -"The Church is looking up when curates sit behind high-stepping bays," -said I. - -"He is the best curate we ever had," said she. "He is the most obliging -man ever known. He never grumbles at having to take both services some -Sundays and to preach as well--a splendid preacher, too--never longer -than a quarter of an hour." - -"Anything else?" I inquired. - -"Yes," she said slowly and with something of awe in her voice. "He is a -one bisquer at croquet!" - -I tried to catch sight of the carriage and its bays, but it must have -been a mile away by this time. - -"And he does all that out of the hundred and fifty pounds a year your -father pays him?" - -"He does indeed, eked out by the five thousand a year his father left -him: his father was Sir Edmund Bonnewell, the great contractor. You have -heard of him?" - -I had. - - - - -IV.--THE ENCYCLOPDIC PARSON - -It is impossible that every one should be fully informed on all points -even in so enlightened a community as Broadminster; but there is one -clergyman who has a reputation for being the most artful fisherman in -the Close, and of being always able to answer any question that may -be put to him by the most casual inquirer. I heard him discussing the -origin of a fire that had taken place in the town a few days before, -and, as is usual in these days, it was said to have been due to a short -circuit in the electric wires. - -"I have often wondered what a short circuit is," said a lady. "Can you -tell me what it is, Mr. Tomlinson?" - -"A short circuit? Oh, it's very simple," said the fully informed parson. -"A short circuit is when--when--oh yes, when it is only a very short way -from the electric lamp to where the wire is joined on to the cable." - -"And that causes the fire?" she asked. - -"Oh, of course--it is bound to, sooner or later." - -"I wonder why they don't make it longer then." - -"Oh, that's the way they scamp everything nowadays." - -Only a few days had passed before I heard him telling another lady of -the good luck that had attended the pottering about bookstalls indulged -in by a brother parson in a neighbouring town. - -"He wrote to me a few days ago, to tell me that he had picked up a -genuine 'Breeches' Bible for sixpence," he said; "and only a short time -before he bought a fine Aldine for fourpence. What luck!" - -"Extraordinary," said the lady. "I'm afraid that I forget what a -'Breeches' Bible is, Mr. Tomlinson." He laughed good-naturedly. - -"Pray, what is a 'Breeches' Bible?" she asked coaxingly. - -He was quite ready for her. - -"A 'Breeches' Bible?" he cried. "Oh, a 'Breeches' Bible is the one -that was carried by Cromwell's troopers in their pockets; it was made -specially for carrying about--small, you know, and compact. I remember -reading that several of the soldiers had their lives saved owing to the -bullets having lodged in the volume in their breeches pocket." - -"Not really?" said the lady. "How very interesting! I do believe that I -heard something like that having happened, I forget where." - -I wondered if the Reverend Mr. Tomlinson was not, after all, something -of a humourist--if he was not engaged in that delicate dynamic operation -known as "pulling her leg." I had good reason to know some time -afterwards, however, that there was no foundation for my suspicion in -this direction. He spoke what he imagined must be true, and he was too -lazy to verify his own conclusions. - -When the lady asked him-- - -"And what might be the real value of one of those Bibles?" he replied-- - -"Anything from a thousand pounds up. I believe that one was bought by an -American a short time ago for over four thousand pounds." - -"What! Not really? A thousand pounds?" she cried. "Will you kindly -give me his address? I must write to him for a subscription for our new -bells." - -"For goodness' sake don't tell him that you heard of his good luck from -me," cried Mr. Tomlinson. - - - - -V.--THE ALMONERS - - -[Illustration: 0281] - -The recognised Church charities of Broadminster are numerous and -constantly increasing. To be connected in some way with a charitable -organisation seems to offer an irresistible attraction to some people, -chiefly ladies; and every now and again a new lady starts up in Church -circles with a new scheme of compelling people to accept alms or the -equivalent, or of increasing the usefulness of the Church. The amount of -time these masterful persons expend in reading papers embodying the -most appalling of platitudes of sentiment, and betraying even a more -astounding ignorance of political economy than a Chancellor of the -Exchequer has ever revealed in a Budget speech, is astounding. All these -papers, so far as I can gather, assume that only what their patrons call -"the lower classes" stand in need of the reforms they suggest. They take -it for granted that a cottage-mother, who has had perhaps thirty years' -experience of making a pound a week do duty for twenty-five shillings, -stands in need of instruction at the hands of a mansion-mother who -cannot keep out of debt with an income of a thousand a year. - -If I were a person in authority with a voice in framing the conditions -which must be conformed with by all ladies who put themselves forward in -the advocacy of some of these great social schemes, I would decree that -no lady who uses a tortoiseshell lorgnette with a long handle should -be permitted to read a paper, or to receive the _laissez-passer_ of any -organisation to a house the valuation of which is less than twenty-five -pounds a year. As a medium of insulting patronage, nothing that has -ever been invented approaches in power this particular weapon in the -well-gloved hands of a well-furred, middle-aged lady who studies with -some reason all advertisements addressed to those with a tendency -to stoutness. (I have gone a long way about to avoid hurting the -susceptibilities of any one.) - -Only once did I see an attack with this weapon successfully repulsed. -There was an extremely pretty girl in the centre of the drawing-room, -when a couple of those ladies whose existence I have hinted at entered -and immediately began a frontal attack through the glazed tortoiseshell -with the long handles, and the little forced smiles that accompanied the -movement showed them to be old campaigners. They brought the pretty -girl into focus, conning her from head to foot and exchanging whispered -comments upon the result of their scrutiny. The girl saw them, and, to -paraphrase the poet, they "by tact of trade were well aware that that -girl knew they were looking at her"; but that fact had no effect upon -them. They continued their scrutiny and their whisperings, and I saw the -girl's face become rosy. But then I saw that she was "limbering up" and -would go into action in a moment. - -She did. She was talking to an elder lady, who might have been her -mother, and the latter had one of the same long-handled glasses lying on -her muff. In an instant the girl had possessed herself of it, slipped -it off its swivel, and was using it precisely as the others were using -theirs, only returning their fire, so to speak. Then she whispered -something over her hand to her companion, who laughed outright. That was -enough for the attacking force: their battery was silenced; but the girl -refused to withdraw, and for quite five minutes, I think, they were well -aware that her eyes were upon them. Wherever they went they felt that -they were still within her range, and that her innocent smile was -playing about them. I never saw two more uneasy ladies in my life, and I -trust that they learned their lesson. - -The most singular point in this connection is that the girl was known -to her friends as shy and retiring by nature--a less self-assertive -girl could not be imagined. It seems to me that there is a lesson to be -learned from this fact in addition to that which it is to be hoped she -taught her elders, who certainly did not possess her shyness: it is -the lesson of the rousing of a feminine instinct of defence, which is -exhibited in another form when the defence is that of offspring. Even -the most timid feminine thing will act in direct opposition to its -reputed nature when called on to defend its young; and even the most -retiring girl may assume an offensive attitude under the provocation of -poised tortoiseshell and elevated eyebrows. - -But I am pretty sure that that nice girl, when she went home and was -alone in her room, sang no song of Miriam as she recalled her triumph. -No, if she did not shed some tears at the thought of how she had behaved -in so unaccountable away, I am greatly mistaken. - -The comedy of the administration of charity has yet to be written; but -when such a work is taken in hand I trust that a chapter will be devoted -to the self-denying industry of the Misses Gifford. These two elderly -ladies are the daughters of a deceased jerry-builder, and they enjoy a -large income, the greater portion of which is derived from insanitary -house property; and they are devoted to good works, including the -amelioration of the condition of the poor. Every year they issue -invitations to a show of their good works at their own house, and these -are found to take the form of coarsely knitted woollen socks, thick -mufflers made of the cheapest materials, petticoats constructed out of -blankets that have been consigned to the rag-basket, and aprons out -of tablecloths that have been rescued from the dustbin. Some of -the articles of clothing seem to represent in themselves the -heterogeneousness of a jumble sale, and all are cheap, shoddy, and -shapeless. And yet this pair of feminine philanthropists show all comers -round the room where they are exhibited with sparkling eyes and faces -glowing with proper pride at the result of their industry. They worry -the local newspapers for a paragraph that shall make all the world -acquainted with their benevolence, and now and again their importunity -is rewarded. - -What becomes of the conglomeration of horrors which they create in the -name of charity no one seems to know; but it is impossible to imagine -any self-respecting family so far forgetting what is due to themselves -as to wear such things. For themselves, it is well known that the Misses -Gifford never forget what is due to them, or to insist on its payment on -the day that it becomes due. They have a brother who, without being an -active philanthropist, is well worthy of them. He collects the rents -from their insanitary tenements, and he does so with a ruthless hand. -There is no measure of bluff or bluster of which he is not a master. But -there are scores of people in their own town who see the dear old -maiden ladies in church and say that they remind them of _Cranford_ and -_Quality Street!_ - -But knowing as I did a good deal about them, I was reminded more of an -earlier work still in which the devourers of widows' houses were said to -be Pharisees as well. Such a pair of feminine Pharisees as those whom I -call the Misses Gifford--Gifford is not, of course, their real name--are -hardly to be found outside their own town. - - - - -CHAPTER FIFTEEN--THE CROQUET LAWNS - - - - -I.--A CONGENIAL PURSUIT - -NO MENTION OF BURFORD WOULD BE complete unless two-thirds of -the account were given over to its croquet ground and its croquet -practitioners. - -An exhaustive, or even a perfunctory, reference to sport is out of place -in any description of the lighter side of life in the provinces, for -people in all levels of life take their games very seriously, and -croquet, as played nowadays, is the most serious of pursuits. Clergymen -who practise it habitually seek for relaxation from the strain its -seriousness imposes on them in the pages of the Fathers. It is a matter -of common knowledge that a clergyman in charge of a parish in Burford -invariably writes out his sermons during the three-ball breaks of his -opponents. It is supposed to be _de rigueur_ for a player who has -let his, or her, opponent 'in' to take no interest whatever in that -opponent's strokes when making a break. It is supposed that if you pay -any attention to your opponent's play you may put him, or her, off; and -so scrupulous are some players lest they should put an antagonist off, -they occasionally stroll off the court and return with a bored look only -when they are sent for. But the chivalry of the habitual croquet players -really knows no bounds. Another of their characteristics is absolutely -quixotic. It takes the form of walking off the court as if the game were -already finished when an opponent has yet to make three or four hoops -before pegging-out; the object of such a move being, of course, to give -an opponent more confidence at a critical moment. - -It is a doubtful point, however, and I have never heard it decided by -a referee, if this object is likely to be effected by a losing player -breaking the handle of her mallet across her knee when she has failed -to shoot in; though one cannot doubt that only a spirit of self-denial -actuates such a player as makes a point of placing in the form of -pennies on a chair, at the opposite side of the court from where she -sits, the bisques to which her opponent is entitled, thus putting -herself to the trouble of walking across, interrupting her opponent's -play when the latter had taken a bisque, in order to remove one of the -pennies. - -The people who sneer at croquet are those who have no knowledge of the -game as played nowadays on such courts as there are at Broadminster. -There is no more scientific game, nor is there one that demands a more -unerring judgment, a steadier hand, or a clearer eye. - -Croquet seems to be the ideal game for the freak, the cripple, or the -aged. One of the best players in the neighbourhood is the chaplain to a -lunatic asylum. He has a large amount of practice. - -During the past few years the champion lawns have been invaded by -schoolboys and schoolgirls, with the result that some of the best prizes -have been carried off by them. - -I cannot imagine a more melancholy sight than that of half a dozen -healthy boys, who should be at cricket or lawn-tennis, solemnly and -slowly knocking the balls through the hoops and stolidly going through -the operations of "peeling," "laying up," "wiring," and the like. - - - - -II.--THE PLAYERS - -But even croquet has its lighter moments. I witnessed a match some -time ago between a well-set-up cavalry officer (retired with the rank -of Major-General) and a cub of a lad--a slouching, hulking fellow whose -gait showed that he had never had a day's athletic training. The boy won -and went grinning off the lawns. His mother received him with grins, and -the General walked away in the direction of the river. It occurred to me -that people should keep an eye upon him. But he did not even fling his -mallet into the stream. - -He turned up a little later at another court, and this time he was -victorious. - -But against whom? - -Against a stout elderly lady crippled with rheumatism; and he just -managed to beat her through making a lucky shot! - -It seems to me to be marvellous that, with the possibilities of such -humiliation before players, any except the decrepit should be found -willing to take part in tournaments. - -There can be no doubt, however, as to the absorbing power of croquet -upon certain temperaments. I have met an elderly lady of Early Victorian -proportions who, I am positive, can recollect the details of every match -she has ever played. If she were not able to do so she would sometimes -be compelled to sit in silence, for to her conversation means nothing -beyond a recapitulation of her croquet games. Try her as you may upon -other topics, it is no use. She seems intensely bored if you touch upon -the theatre, and to music and the other arts she is rather more than -indifferent. Indifference might be represented as "scratch," but her -attitude can only be represented by a minus sign. On art she should be a --3, on music a -6, and on literature a -20. These are her handicaps, so -far as I am capable of judging. - -She is the terror of the managers of tournaments, such a hole-and-corner -game as she plays. She never leaves anything to chance: she invariably -sends herself into a corner. Her most dashing game occupies four hours. -It is said that she has strong views on the subject of assimilating the -game of croquet with the game of cricket in regard to the duration of -a match. If it takes three days to play a cricket match, why should not -the same limits be extended to a croquet match? she wishes to know. The -reply that is suggested by the people with whom she has played is that -even at a three-day match she would complain bitterly that she -was hustled by the managers. At present her life seems a perpetual -complaint. During the season she grumbles her way from tournament to -tournament; and when she seats herself by the side of an unwary person -to watch a match, even though it is a final for the cup, she immediately -begins to describe one of her games--it may be one that took place five -years before--and keeps on giving detail after detail of trivialities, -with a complete disregard of the excitements of the court where she is -sitting and the applause of the crowd at some brilliant play--on she -rumbles, unless her unwilling confidant rises and flies for covert. It -takes her even longer to describe one of her games than it does to -play it. Her latest complaint is that croquet players are becoming very -unsociable, the basis of her charge being that when she approaches a -court to sit down and watch a game, the people on the chairs whom she -knows quite well get up and go away. She does not believe that in every -case they do so, as was suggested, to give her a choice of chairs. - -She thinks that those should remain whom she has known for some years. -It does not appear ever to have occurred to her that they get up and fly -because they have known her for some years. - -Another _devote_ has become so absorbed in her cult as to become upon -occasions an embarrassment to her relations. Of course no one makes any -remark upon a player thinking of nothing besides croquet: it is assumed -that a lady who means to become a player will not waste time thinking -about anything else. - - "Man's croquet is of man's life a thing apart. - - 'Tis woman's sole existence." - -That is acknowledged as only reasonable; but it must sometimes be -embarrassing to the relations of this lady when at a dinner party she -refuses an offered entre on the ground that she is wired, or when -she checks a neighbour for taking a meringue because he or she has -previously been playing with the green. It appears quite feasible to -me, however, that the green of the salad and the white of the meringue -should suggest to a thoughtful croquet player the need for such a -caution as is attributed to her on good authority; nor do I think it so -very unreasonable that on allowing herself to be carried on a 'bus beyond -her destination, through thinking out a croquet problem, she should, -on being informed by the conductor that the vehicle went no farther, -say--"What a fool I was not to take a bisque sooner!" - -It is said that this same lady caused a considerable flutter in a -railway carriage one day when she was working out another croquet -problem, and was heard to mutter--"Shall I shoot now?" - -Any time I chanced to look in at a croquet tournament on the beautiful -lawns at Broadminster I came away with a laugh, and upon more than -one occasion I found that the laugh was against myself. Long ago I was -accustomed to look with a pathetic interest at the reappearance year -after year of the beautiful mother of a beautiful daughter at the -tournament. Surely, I thought, there could not be a more pathetic sight -than that of a mother with a picturesque home and a husband, setting -out from both, early in the month of June, when the rosery is becoming -a paradise of blossom, and travelling from country town to country town -and from one hotel to another, without intermission until October, for -the sake of being by the side of a daughter who has given up her life to -the game. - -The laugh came in when I found that the mother was more devoted to -looking on at croquet than the girl was to playing the game! The -pathetic figure was really the daughter, who was acting as companion -to her mother to enable her with propriety to gratify her passion for -watching people play croquet. The daughter complained a little at -first, but now she says she has come to see that she should be unselfish -and sink her own inclinations so that her mother may have some innocent -enjoyment. - -She looks very carefully after her mother, and is even able sometimes to -exchange a few words with her at intervals during the day's play. - -Since I found this out I have never allowed myself to be carried away -in pity for one who elects to play the part of onlooker at a game of -croquet. People who spend their time looking on at croquet are deserving -of no pity. - -I have been told that when hospitality is offered to some of the -visitors by people in Broadminster during the tournament week, it is -now not invariably accepted without caution and preliminary inquiry. A -bitter story was imparted to me by a man who had been kindly invited -by one of the inhabitants to stay at his house for the croquet week. My -friend gratefully accepted, and as the whole of the local family were -players, he was brought up to their villa after the first day's play. -He found the house a charming one of its class, and he thought himself -lucky in his billet. Dinner was served, and then the little rift within -the hospitable lute was suggested: there was no wine offered to him! The -hissing of syphons round the table gave expression to his views on the -subject of such hospitality; but what could he say in reply to his host -when the latter turned to him, remarking quite pleasantly--"This is a -teetotal household: no strong drink of any kind is allowed to enter it. -Will you have soda water or Appolinaris?" - -Of course there was nothing to be said by a guest on the subject; but -his host, like so many people professing his principles, had a good deal -to say respecting the virtue of teetotalism. But so far as I was able -to gather from the tone of his narrative, he did not obtain the cordial -concurrence of his guest in all his views; for his guest was in the -habit of taking half a bottle of claret at his dinner every day of his -life and at least one glass of sound port afterwards, and for twenty -years he had not gone to bed without wrapping himself round a tumbler -of grog at the eleventh hour, and he did not find that an exordium on -teetotalism went far to compensate him for the absent decanters. He -was ready to greet the discourse with hisses; but the syphons were -accommodating: they did their own hissing. - -He went to bed in a very bad humour. - -In the morning, however, after family prayers, his host said to him-- - -"I thought I detected an unsatisfied look on your face as you entered -the room, my friend. I think I know the reason of it. I dare say you -have been accustomed to something which you failed to find on the table -in your room. I am sure of it. I have inquired, and I am very sorry for -the omission. But make your mind easy; look on your table to-night, and -I think you will be satisfied." - -This was not so bad, the visitor thought; though not everything, still a -whisky and soda going to bed was better than nothing. - -He had his customary claret at his lunch in the pavilion that day, so -he did not mind the sibilant but unsatisfying syphons at dinner. But he -felt tired that night, he said, and went oft early to bed. - -Switching on the light, he hurried to the table for the promised treat. - -He found that the table bore nothing except a large Bible, bound in -leather! - - - - -CHAPTER SIXTEEN--ART & THE ARTFUL IN THE PROVINCES - - - - -I.--THE ARTISTIC OUTLOOK - -A GOOD MANY PEOPLE ARE OF THE opinion that Art and the appreciation -of Art are making considerable progress in this country, but others are -inclined to be despondent on this subject; and among the most despondent -is an estimable clergyman of a parish some miles from Broadminster. -He told me that he was confirmed in his pessimism by observing the -popularity of the imitation half-timbered, red-brick cottages which -country architects are running up by the hundred in every direction. -"The foundation of all true Art is Truth," he said, "and yet we are -confronted daily with all the falsehood of creosoted laths curving about -ridiculous gables in imitation of the old oak timbering. People hold up -their hands in horror at the recollection of the outside stucco of the -early Victorians; but where is the difference between the immorality of -pretending that bricks are stone and of pretending that creosoted laths -are old timbers?" - -Of course he had many other instances of the inefficiency of the Schools -of Art to fulfil the object of their establishment: there was the villa -fireplace, for example, suggesting that its delicate ornamentation was -of the fine paste of Robert Adam, when it was simply a horrible thing of -cast iron; and what about the prevailing fashion in ladies' dress?... - -It was time, he thought, that steps were taken by men of genuine -artistic feeling to put people on the right track in regard to Art -in daily life; and he expressed to me in confidence the belief that a -change could best be brought about by an appeal to the sense of beauty -inherent in womankind. He begged the co-operation of one of the Minor -Canons at the Cathedral at Broadminster, who had achieved fame on -account of his artistic tendencies, and this gentleman consented to -deliver an address at a specially convened mothers' meeting in the -parish-room of the reformer. - -He kept his promise, as every one knew he would. He delivered an address -on "The Influence of Cimabue on the later works of Donatello" in the -presence of forty-two matrons, nearly all of whom could both read -and write; and it was understood that he proved up to the hilt every -statement that he made, and any of his audience who may have had some -doubt as to the part that Cimabue played in the development of the -genius of Donatello must have left the hall feeling that they could no -longer hesitate in accepting the relative position of the two artists as -defined by the lecturer. - -[Illustration: 0307] - -The next address is, I hear, to be made on the subject of "The -Cinquecento and its Sequel." - -That is the way to popularise Art in the country districts. When once -the wives and mothers of the farm labourers and the shepherds of the -Downs are brought to understand the importance of taking a right view of -Cimabue and the Cinquecento, then Art will become a living thing in this -country--perhaps even sooner: who can tell? - -Equally practical was the response made by a wealthy gentleman who -has recently settled near Brindlington to the appeal of the parson -to contribute something to the loan collection with which he hoped to -second the efforts of the Minor Canon to stimulate an appreciation -of good art in his parish. In charge of a traction-engine of large -horse-power there was brought in a stone-mason's lorry to the door of -the hall a full-size powerful group by Monsieur Rodin, representing an -episode in the life of the most flagrantly humorous faun that ever grew, -or half-grew, out of a rock under the rough-hewing chisel of the great -French artist. At first one did not know that one was looking at a -piece of sculpture--one seemed to be looking into a stone quarry. But -gradually the idea revealed itself, and then one rather wished that it -hadn't. The faun was not one of Nature's gentlemen: you could see that -at once; but after a while, with good luck, you became aware of the fact -that there was a nymph, or what looked like a nymph, scattered about the -quarry--yes, you could see it quite distinctly from certain standpoints, -and when you did you rather hoped that you had been mistaken. It was -a masterpiece that "Group by M. Rodin." It might have been taken for a -freak of Nature herself--one of those fantastic rocks which are supposed -to suggest the head of the first Napoleon or perhaps the Duke of -Wellington wearing his cocked hat, or it may be a huge lizard or, if -properly humped, a kneeling camel. But whatever it was, there stood the -stone quarry brought to the very doors of the hall wherein were "loaned" -all the objects of Art contributed by the less ambitious collectors of -the neighbourhood, and within were six stalwart men preparing to rig up -on a tripod of fifteen-feet ash poles each as thick as a stout tree, a -tackle of chains and pulleys for shifting the thing from the truck to -the rollers by which it was to be coaxed into the building. - -They did not get it beyond the porch. The tiled pavement crumbled -beneath it like glass, and the caretaker of the building was doubtful -about the stability of the floor within. In the porch it remained until -the parson's wife, who had heard the noise of the traction-engine and -felt sure that something was going on, arrived upon the scene. - -She took a glance at the landscape within the porch, and then ordered a -dust-sheet. - -Of course the "Group by M. Rodin" was worth more than all the loans -within the building; but it was not everybody's group. It remained in -the friendly obscurity of the dust-sheet except when some visitor with -inquisitive tendencies begged for a glimpse of it. Then the parson, -averting his eyes, lifted up a corner of the dust-sheet, and remarked -that he was sure that the work would be a noble one when the great -sculptor should have cut away all the superfluous stone that lay in -great masses about the figures; but even in its unfinished condition -anyone could see that it could not weigh much under five or six tons. - -I fancy that the gentleman who had contributed this loan was more of a -humorist than the parson had suspected. - -What I think is the most disappointing feature in connection with the -development of Art in the provinces is the lack of interest shown -in certain districts in the local productions. The producers are not -without honour save in their own county. Of course, if it became a -question of saving money, there would be patrons enough of local art; -but unhappily the possible patrons are incapable of estimating correctly -the money value of such things, and they prefer to give five pounds for -a picture by an artist a distance than two for one by a local man, -even though they might be assured by some one capable of pronouncing an -opinion that the cheaper work was the better. - -A few years ago I was made aware of a curious example of this -characteristic of some places. It occurred to an enterprising -printseller at Broadminster that a spring exhibition of works in black -and white might attract attention and enable him to do some business; -and with the co-operation of some of the London publishers he managed to -get together over two hundred capital examples of modern work, including -some proof etchings by Le Rat, David Law, Frank Short, Legros, -and others. A local lady, who was understood to be a liberal and -well-informed patroness of Art in various forms, visited the exhibition -and was greatly attracted by an etching of a spring landscape. Finding -the price moderate, she bought it and carried it home with her in -her brougham. A week later, however, she returned with it to the -printseller. - -"Is it true that the Cuthbert Tremaine who did this is only a local -man?" she inquired. - -The printseller assured her that she was quite right: Cuthbert -Tremaine's people belonged to the town, and he had been educated at the -Grammar School and the School of Art. - -"Do you think it was quite fair of you to hang that from such a person -among the etchings that co-exibit here?" she asked. - -"He was quite able to hold his own among the best of them," said the -printseller. "He's coming well to the front, I assure you." - -"I don't think that it is at all fair to your customers to try and foist -off upon them the work of a local man," said the lady severely. "An -ordinary local man! I wonder very much at your doing such a thing. I -have brought the etching back to you, and you must change it for me. -You really should have told me that Cuthbert Tremaine was nothing but a -local man." - -So much for the encouragement of local talent in our county. - -Quite recently a more striking instance of this peculiarity was offered -us in a neighbouring town. A local artist held a sale exhibition of -water-colour drawings of scenes within a radius of six miles. There were -perhaps thirty of these, and every one of them was good, and every one -of them was pleasing. There was no suggestion of slovenliness about any, -nor was there a hint of an amateur. They were not the sort of drawings -that might be referred to as "highly creditable"--nobody wants to -possess "highly creditable" things: they must have positive merit, -without taking into consideration the conditions under which they are -done, before any one who knows something about art would wish to possess -them; and the watercolours in this exhibition could certainly claim to -be in this light. - -Well, cards of invitation were sent to some hundreds of possible buyers, -and were heartily responded to, for free exhibitions are very popular -in our neighbourhood, especially those that take the form of a -demonstration of a new breakfast cereal (with samples gratis). But in -the matter of sales the response was not quite so hearty as it might -have been. The artist did not clear five pounds during the fortnight -that his exhibition remained open. - -A month or two later, however, a stranger exhibited a collection of his -drawings in the same town, and although they were infinitely inferior -in almost every way to those of the local man, they found quite a -satisfactory number of purchasers, notwithstanding the fact that there -was not a drawing that was not priced at more than double the sum asked -by the local artist for his sketches. - - - - -II.--ART AND THE SHERIFF - -But before the end of the summer an opportunity was given to -connoisseurs in the same town to acquire, at the expenditure of a few -pounds, a collection of pictures that would do credit to any private -gallery in the kingdom. Announcements appeared placarded on every -dead wall that "by order of the Sheriff" a magnificent collection of -paintings by Turner, Reynolds, Gainsborough, Lawrence, George Morland, -David Cox, and numerous other Masters, as well as drawings by Birket -Foster, Keeley Hallswelle, George Cattermole, and a host of others. -Being a Sheriff's sale this superb collection was to be disposed of -without reserve, and the pictures were to be on view in the spacious -commercial-room of an hotel. - -People flocked to the place where these treasures were hung, and as a -knowledge of pictures is born with most people, they were not slow -to appreciate the fact that at last a chance had come to acquire at a -merely nominal cost pictures by artists of world-wide fame. Most persons -had read of the enormous prices brought by some prints after pictures by -George Morland, but here were the actual pictures themselves in frames -of the finest Dutch metal: no frames protected the high-priced prints -in Christie's! And not merely was Morland highly represented here, but -quite half a dozen exquisite _genre_ pictures by Josef Israels were to -be seen in a row, and it was whispered among the cognoscenti that this -painter had just died and the _Studio_ had contained an eulogistic -article, with illustrations, on his work! Another chance! Of course -Sidney Cooper's "Cows in Canterbury Meadows" spoke for itself. Every -tyro knew that no one could ever paint cattle like Sidney Cooper. And -Birket Foster--no one could ever approach Birket Foster in showing -children swinging on a gate. There was the gate, sure enough, and the -children, and the pet lamb--all the genuine Birket Foster properties. -And "by order of the Sheriff." - -It was a treat to see the _cognoscenti_ examining the pictures, -subjecting individual works to the severest tests of light and -magnifying glasses, and then whispering gravely together in corners on -the subject of their merits. Some of them had pencils, which they -had pressed to their lips while they scrutinised the masterpieces, -preparatory to making notes on their catalogues--all just like a London -picture sale in King Street, St. James's Street, London, W. - -And then some fool came into the room and laughed. He was a man who -pretended to know a lot about pictures, and he was usually disposed to -question the authenticity of things in the possession of everybody but -himself. He glanced around the walls and went away, still laughing, -after being in the place no longer than three minutes. - -That was a trick on his part, the _cognoscenti_ said. He wished to put -them off buying and so make a haul for himself. - -They were confirmed in this belief when the one dealer in the town told -a gentleman, who had come to him with a commission to purchase some of -the pictures, that the man had just been to caution him against buying -any of them on his own account. - -"He said that they are being hawked round from town to town, and that -they are really all fakes--that there is not a genuine picture among the -lot, and that the Sheriff's sale is not a _bona fide_ one, but one of -the oldest tricks of picture fakers." - -But the knowing person said to the dealer--"Does he mean to say that in -a town like this any man would dare to put 'by order of the Sheriff' at -the top of the bill if it was not _bona fide?_He would pretty soon find -himself in trouble. You attend the auction and bid for the numbers that -I have marked in the catalogue." - -The auction came off and was largely attended by the public, but, -strange to say, by not a single outside dealer, only by the local one -who had received many commissions. And a fortnight before an ordinary -sale at a private house in the town, at which half a dozen pictures by -fourth-class artists, and some only "attributed to" these artists, drew -dealers from places fifty and sixty miles away! - -It seemed pretty clear that the Sheriff had not taken a great deal of -trouble to advertise this particular sale--he could not have given it -his personal attention, or perhaps he had never before had a chance of -handling the "fine arts" on so opulent a scale, or the dealers would -certainly not have missed the chance of their lives. - -However this may be, the pictures were bought by the dozen, as much as -six pounds being given for each of the Israels, and a pair of Birket -Foster's fetching ten, frames included in all cases. There was a keen -struggle for the Turner, and it was run up to nine pounds--not by -any means too much for a Turner as things go nowadays. Altogether, -I suppose, about fifty pictures were sold. At the evening sale the -auctioneer announced that a sufficient number had been disposed of to -satisfy the Sheriffs claim, but that a gentleman in the trade had bought -the remainder _en bloc_, and instructed him to put them all up for sale -to the highest bidder; and he would have great pleasure in carrying out -his instructions. On went the bidding down to the last lot, and so -ended a memorable picture sale--probably the last of the kind to be -perpetrated in England, for within a fortnight the gentlemen under whose -direction the enterprise had been carried on from place to place for -several years were arrested, tried, and convicted of perjury in making -an affidavit with intent to deceive the Sheriff of some county and cause -him to issue his writ for the sale of their bogus pictures. Fifteen -months' imprisonment was certainly not too long a sentence for these -practitioners; though really one can have but little sympathy for people -who are such fools as to expect to buy pictures, with a name value of -thousands of pounds, for a few shillings. - -But for several weeks after the sale the fortunate purchasers of the -bogus masterpieces lost no opportunity of exhibiting their treasures. -Teas and At Homes were given to enable their less alert friends to. -appreciate their varied charms, for it was understood in the town that -the educational value of great works of art should not be neglected; -and at the Mayor's Reception a short time afterwards two of the pictures -were exhibited, for the educational benefit of the company, in their -original Dutch-metal frames--the sort that one may buy for half a -crown in a cash chemist's. In these days the man who had laughed at the -private view was referred to in accents of scorn. But he continued to -laugh, even when in the most kindly spirit he was advised by one of -the successful bidders to remember that it was distinctly slanderous to -suggest that a sale conducted under the auspices of the Sheriff of the -county was a bogus affair. Then it was that the critic laughed loudest; -and, so far as I can gather, he is laughing still. - -One interesting point was brought out at the trial of the men. It was in -respect of the actual manufacturer's price of the fraudulent pictures. -The artist who had executed them was put into the box and stated that -he received from five to fifteen shillings for each. The average trade -price of a George Morland worked out at a fraction over seven shillings, -so that to refer to these works as valueless would be wrong: those -purchasers who were fortunate enough to secure good specimens of George -Morland at the sale have the satisfaction of dwelling upon their varied -beauties and reflecting that the actual value of each work is in the -bogus market something between seven shillings and seven and twopence! -(The "Sheriffs Sale" price of a Morland was six pounds.) - - - - -III.--THE COUNTRY PICTURE SALE - -I was once present at a picture sale in a mansion some miles from a -country town in which I lived. There were, I think, three full-length -Gainsboroughs, five Reynoldses, a few Hoppners, two by Peters, and -three or four by Northcote. I was standing in front of a man by the -first-named painter, and was lost in admiration of the firm way in which -the figure was placed on the floor in the picture, when a local dealer -approached me, saying-- - -"Might I have a word with you, sir?" - -Of course I told him to talk away. I knew the man very well. He was one -of those useful dealers of the variety known as "general," from whom one -may occasionally buy a Spode plate worth ten shillings for three, or an -odd ormolu mount for sixpence. - -"We want to know if you believe these to be genuine pictures, sir," said -he. - -"Genuine pictures!" I repeated, being rather puzzled to know just what -he meant; but then I remembered that he was accustomed to attend sales -where pictures labelled "Reynolds," "Gainsborough," "Murillo," "Moroni," -and so forth were sold for whatever they might fetch--usually from -fifteen shillings to a pound, the word "genuine" never being so much as -breathed by anyone. When I recollected this I laughed and said--"Make -your mind easy. If these are not genuine pictures you will never see any -come under the hammer." - -"And what do you think they will fetch?" he inquired. - -"I could not give you the slightest idea," I replied; "but if you can -get me that one in front of us for five hundred pounds I'll give you -twenty-five per cent, commission." - -He was staggered. - -"Five hundred!" he cried. "You must be joking, sir." - -"I admit it," said I. "I should have said a thousand." - -"But really, sir, how far would we be safe to go for them all? There are -four of us here, and we are ready to make a dash for them if we had your -opinion about them." - -"Look here, my good man," said I. "You may reckon on my giving you five -hundred pounds for any picture in this room that is knocked down to you. -I'll put that in writing for you if you wish." - -"It's not necessary, sir," he repeated. "We'll buy the lot of them for -you for less money." - -"Do, and I shall be a rich man afterwards," said I. - -He went away chuckling. - -The next day the auctioneer, who was an Irishman, after disposing of -several lots of ordinary things, reached the pictures. - -"I needn't say anything about them," he remarked. "They speak for -themselves: I think you'll all agree with me that there's not one of -them that isn't a speaking likeness. What shall we say for this one--No. -137 in the catalogue, "Lady Betty--------," by Sir Joshua Reynolds? Look -at her, ladies and gentlemen, and tell me if you think there are many -artists in this county who could do anything better than this--all hand -painted, and guaranteed. What shall we say?" - -"A pound," suggested my dealer quite boldly. The auctioneer turned a -cold eye upon him for a moment, and then I saw that there was a twinkle -on its glossy surface. - -"Very well, sir," he said. "A pound is bid for the picture--twenty-five -shillings, thirty shillings, thirty-five, two pounds--thank you, sir; -we're getting on--two-ten; I'm obliged to you, ma'am--three pounds -ten--three pounds ten--three pounds ten bid for the portrait of Lady -Betty. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, wouldn't it be a shame if such a -picture was to be knocked down for seventy shillings and it worth nearly -as many pounds. Four pounds--thank you, sir. The bidding is against you, -ma'am. Well, if there's no advance----" - -It was my dealer who had made the last bid, and I must confess that for -some seconds I actually fancied that I was to be placed in possession of -a Reynolds for four pounds! - -[Illustration: 0317] - -"Four pounds--going at four pounds," came the voice of the auctioneer. -"If there's no advance--going at four pounds--going--for the last -time--five hundred--six hundred--seven hundred--a thousand--fifteen -hundred--two thousand--guineas--five hundred--guineas--three -thousand--guineas--going for three thousand guineas, ladies and -gentle-men, it's giving the picture away that I am; but still the times -are bad. Going at three thousand guineas--going--going--Mr. Agnew." - -The hammer fell, and everyone was laughing except the Irish auctioneer -and my dealer. - -"Perhaps our dashing friend will give me an advance of thirty shillings -on the next lot--Ralph, first Earl of--------," said the former, -glancing toward the latter with an insinuating smile. - -The latter forced his way toward the nearest door, leaving Lot 132 to be -started by a London dealer at a thousand pounds. - -My disappointed friend had never been at a great sale in his life, and -he had certainly not suspected that the gentlemen wearing the silk -hats were like himself, dealers--only on perhaps a somewhat more heroic -scale. - - - - -IV.--HUMOURS OF THE ROSTRUM - -The humours of the auction-room deserve to be dealt with more fully -than is in my power to treat them. Though an auctioneer's fun is -sometimes a little forced, its aim being to keep his visitors in a good -temper with him--for he knows that every time that he knocks something -down to one person he hurts the feelings of the runner-up--still, -now and again, something occurs to call for a witty comment, and -occasionally a ludicrous incident may brighten up the monotonous -reiteration of slowly increasing sums of money. I have heard that long -ago most lords of the rostrum were what used to be called "characters," -and got on the friendliest terms with the people on the floor. But now I -fear that there is no time for such amenities, though I heard one of the -profession say, announcing a new "lot"--"Hallo, what have we here? 'Lot -67--Adams Bed.' Ladies and gentlemen, there's a genuine antiquity for -you--Adam's Bed! I shouldn't wonder if the quilt was worked by Eve -herself, though I believe she was better at aprons." - -The auctioneer as a rule, however, hurries from lot to lot without -wasting time referring to the charm of any one in particular. I cannot -understand how they avoid doing so sometimes when a beautiful work of -art is brought to the front. - -But in the old days I believe that now and again a trick was resorted -to with a view to arouse the interest of possible purchasers in the -business of the day. I know of such a little comedy being played with -a good deal of spirited action in an auction-room in a large townin the -Midlands. An Irish dealer was in the habit of sending round from time -to time as much stuff as a large furniture van would hold, to be offered -for sale by auction. Of course he placed a reserve on every article, and -if this figure was not reached in one town, he packed up the thing, to -give it a chance in the next; so that within a few weeks he managed to -get rid of a large number of things at quite remunerative prices. It so -happened, however, that he wanted money badly when he reached the -town where he began his operations, and he made a confidant of the -auctioneer, who promised to do his best in regard to the goods. The -articles were consequently displayed in the rooms, and a considerable -number of people assembled before the auctioneer mounted the rostrum. -The bidding was, however, very spiritless, and the first dozen lots were -knocked down to imaginary buyers at imaginary figures; but just when the -thirteenth lot was exhibited there appeared at the farther end of the -room a rather excited figure. - -"Stop the sale," he cried. "I'm not going to stand passively by while -you give my goods away. I don't mind a reasonable sacrifice, but I'm not -going to submit to such a massacre as has been going on here up to the -present. Stop the sale!" - -"Look you here, Mr. O'Shaughnessy," said the auctioneer. "Massacre or -no massacre, I received instructions from you to sell your stuff without -reserve, and sell it I will, whatever you may say." - -"You'll do nothing of the sort, I tell you," cried the Irishman. "Come -down from that reading-desk and don't continue to make a fool of me. I'm -not going to see my things thrown away. You know what they are worth as -well as I do, and yet you knock them down for a quarter their value!" - -"Now, my good man, if you don't get out of this room I'll have to take -stronger measures with you," said the auctioneer. "I know that the stuff -is all that you say it is; but that's nothing to me: the highest bidder -will get the best of it, whether he bids to half the value or a quarter -the value for that matter. You are making a fool of yourself, Mr. -O'Shaughnessy, but you won't make a fool of me. I'm here to sell, and -sell I shall. Now sit down or leave the premises." - -"I'll not sit down. I tell you I'll not----" - -"Porter," cried the auctioneer, "turn that gentleman out, and if he -won't go quietly call a policeman. You hear?" - -A couple of stalwart porters approached the vendor, saying soothing -words; but he refused to move, and they had to force him to the door. -They did so, however, as tenderly as possible; though he kept on -shouting, as he went reluctantly backward step by step, that the -auctioneer was in a conspiracy to ruin him, allowing his goods to be -taken away for nothing. At last he was in the street and the door was -closed. "Ladies and gentlemen," said the auctioneer, "I must apologise -for this scene. Such a thing never happened in my mart before, and I -hope it will never happen again. But I know my position, and I've no -intention of breaking faith with the public, whatever that man may do or -say. I hope you'll excuse him; he is really the best judge of antiques -I ever met, but when he gets a drop of drink there's no holding him in. -Now, gentlemen, he'll not disturb us again, and with your leave I'll -proceed with the sale. I'll do my duty by you, and I'll do my duty by -him, whether he has insulted me or not. He maybe an excitable Irishman, -but that's no reason why we shouldn't do our best for him. Fair play, -ladies and gentlemen, fair play to everybody. We must not allow our -prejudices to blind us. You know as well as I do that the stuff is the -finest that has ever come to this town, though the vendor would be safer -in the hands of the police than prowling about as he has been. Now where -were we?--ah, Lot 13--'Chippendale mirror, carved wood, gilt.' There's a -work of art for you. Where did he get hold of such a thing, anyway? What -shall we say for it?" - -The thing started at a figure actually above the reserve price that Mr. -O'Shaughnessy had placed upon it, and the bidding went on with a rush. -The next lot--two ribbon-carved mahogany arm-chairs--seemed to be badly -wanted by some one. They were knocked down at a figure twenty-five -percent, beyond the reserve. So it was with everything else in the -collection. Never had there been a more successful sale in the same -rooms. - -[Illustration:0327] - -So, at least, the auctioneer confessed to the vendor as they dined -together that evening, and the auctioneer was in private life a truthful -man, though not always so rigid in the rostrum. - - - - -V. THE ARTFUL AND GOLDSTEIN - -Upon another occasion, in the same town, there was a dealer's sale at -an auction mart, and it went off pretty well, though naturally a good -many lots remained undisposed of at the close, for on every article -there was a reserve price representing the profit to accrue to the -vendor, with the auctioneer's usual ten per cent. One of the unsold -pictures had attracted the attention of a gentleman who had bid as far -as twelve pounds for it, and when the sale was over he remained in the -mart waiting to see if it should be claimed by a dealer, so that he -might have a chance of getting it at a slight advance. - -But the auctioneer very frankly confided in him that it had not been -sold: the vendor, unfortunately, knew a good deal about pictures and had -put a pretty stiff reserve on it. At this moment a local dealer showed -signs of being also attracted by the picture. He stood in front of it, -and seemed to be assessing its value to the nearest penny. After a few -moments he jerked his head to bring the auctioneer to his side, and with -a word of apology to the possible purchaser the auctioneer went to the -man. - -They had a whispered conversation together, but every whisper was -clearly audible to the layman. - -"Look here," said the dealer, "you know that I bid up to eighteen pounds -for that picture. Well, I'm willing to go to the length of twenty for -it, if you're selling it privately." - -"I'm sorry I can't oblige you, Mr. Goldstein," said the auctioneer. "You -know as well as I do who the vendor is, and you know that he is as good -a judge of a picture as any man living. You know that the picture is -worth money." - -"Now what's the good of talking to me like that?" said Mr. Goldstein. -"I don't deny that the picture is a good one--one of the best you ever -handled--but a man must live. I believe I have a customer for that -thing, but I look to make a bit off it for myself, and I must have it -cheap." - -"And isn't twenty-five pounds cheap for such a work?" asked the -auctioneer. - -"I don't deny it," replied the dealer, "and that's just what I expect to -get for it; but where do I come in in the transaction if I pay you that -for it? Do you fancy I stick in auction-rooms all day by the doctor's -orders? I'll give you twenty-three pounds for the picture, and if you -can't let me have it for that you may burn it." - -The auctioneer laughed and walked away without condescending to reply, -and with a grimace of ill-humour Mr. Goldstein left the auction-room. - -"Who is that person?" asked the would-be purchaser. - -"His name is Goldstein," replied the auctioneer. "He's a picture dealer, -and about as knowing as they are made. He has been nibbling at this ever -since it was left with me. Of course he'll come back for it. He's no -fool. He knows a good thing when he sees it." - -The auctioneer strolled down the room to his office, leaving the -gentleman to digest the information which he had given him. - -Now the gentleman was quite an astute person, and it did not take him -long to perceive that a picture that is worth twenty-three pounds to a -dealer named Goldstein is certainly worth twenty-five to a layman, so -the auctioneer was not surprised when he entered his office, saying-- - -"Did you say that twenty-five pounds was the reserve for that picture?" - -"That's the vendor's reserve, sir." - -"All right. I'll take it at that," said the gentleman. - -"Very good, sir," said the auctioneer, and he smiled knowingly as he -added, "I may tell you that Goldstein offered me twenty-three for it -just now. He'll be back with me offering twenty-five within the hour. I -can imagine his face when he hears that it's gone." - -His shrewdness did not deceive him. Mr. Goldstein was back at the mart -within half an hour, with inquiries about the picture, and it was with -an air of triumph that the auctioneer told him that it had been sold. It -is also quite likely that the look which he said he would like to see on -Mr. Goldstein's face when he heard that the picture was sold was exactly -the one which was worn by Mr. Goldstein, though it might not be just -the one which the purchaser of the picture would associate with an -expression of chagrin on the face of a person named Goldstein. - -The truth was that Mr. Goldstein was grinning quite pleasantly; for Mr. -Goldstein was the vendor of the work of art, which he had bought for -four pounds and had disposed of for twenty-five, less auction fees! - -This auctioneer was an unusually clever man. He was heard to confide in -a friend his impression that the town he lived in was not sufficiently -large to give his genius a chance of being displayed to the full; and -that was possibly why a short time afterwards he went to London and -started business in one of the most central thoroughfares. - -Within six months he was prosecuted for selling bogus Bechsteins, -convicted, and sentenced to a term of imprisonment for an offence which -at one time was a serious menace to the piano trade. - - - - -VI.--TRICKS AND TRICKS - -I have heard it debated with great seriousness whether a fine art -dealer in a commercial town, where the finer arts are neglected, is -not entitled to resort to a method of disposing of his goods which some -people might be disposed to term trickery. Personally, I think any form -of trickery having money for its object is indefensible. But there are -tricks and tricks, and what will be chuckled over by some businessmen as -"a good stroke of business" may, if submitted to a jury, be pronounced a -fraud, and it appears to me that people are becoming more exacting -every day in their fine art dealings. They seem to expect that a picture -dealer will tell them all he knows about any picture that he offers -them, and, should they consent to buy it, that he will let them have -it at the price he paid for it. Should they find out, after they have -completed the purchase, that he made any statement to them that was not -strictly accurate, they bring an action against him. How such people -would be laughed at if they were to bring an action against the vendor -of a patent medicine for having stated on the bottle that it would cure -gout, neuralgia, and neuritis, when they had tried it and found that -it would do nothing of the sort! There was a pill made during the -eighteenth century which was guaranteed to prevent earthquakes. Some -time ago I heard it seriously urged, on behalf of an American patent -medicine, that when the half of San Francisco had been laid in ruins by -an earthquake, the building where the medicine was manufactured remained -undisturbed! - -But until recent years a pretty free hand was allowed to dealers -in works of art. I remember being in a shop--called a gallery--in a -provincial town in which a good deal of "restoration" in the picture way -was effected. The proprietor had a drawerful of labels each bearing the -name of a good old Master done in black on a gold ground, and when a -work was "restored" to his satisfaction, he turned over the labels until -he found one to suit its style. Then he nailed it very neatly on to the -frame, and the picture was ready for sale as a Moroni, a Velasquez, a -Tintoretto, or a Titian, as the case might be. The man was an excellent -judge of pictures and prints, and I do not believe that he ever got a -picture painted on an old canvas to sell as a genuine work. He simply -bought all the good old pictures that he thought worth buying and -"touched them up." People bought them on chance, the wise ones asking no -questions "for conscience' sake"--the conscience of the vendor; and I -am pretty sure that many genuine pictures passed through his hands--some -that were worth from a hundred to five hundred pounds apiece for a tenth -of the smaller sum. - -He saw the humour of his labels better than anyone else, I think. He -never gave an audible laugh when I used to inquire if he could provide -me with a really choice Rembrandt for thirty shillings; he pretended to -take me seriously, and, shaking his head, he would say-- - -"Rembrandts with any pedigree are getting scarcer and scarcer every -year, sir. You wouldn't feel justified in going as far as two pounds if -you saw one that you took a fancy to, I suppose? No? Well, I'll see -what I can do for you at your price, but I may tell you that it's rather -below than above the figure for a genuine hand-painted Rembrandt." - -One day two gentlemen called when I was in the gallery--a major in the -Gunners and a brother officer. - -"Morning," said the former. "I hope you got the frame in order." - -"Yes, sir," replied the dealer, bustling off to where a picture was -lying with its face down on a bench. He picked it up and bore it to an -easel, on which he placed it in a moderately good light. "That's it, -sir. I happened to lay my hands on a more suitable frame, so I didn't -trouble with the old one; it's impossible to put a touch of gold leaf on -an old frame without making it look patchy." - -"I think that's a far better frame than the old one," said the major. "I -brought my friend in to look at the picture. Who did you say it was by?" - -"Rubens, sir--an early Rubens, I think it is." - -"Ah yes, that was the name. Looks well, doesn't it?" said the officer to -his friend. - -"Very well indeed. I never saw anything that took my fancy better," said -the other. "Look at that silk--rippin', I call it--absolutely rippin'." - -"I thought you'd like it," said the major. "There's nothing looks -so well in a room as a good old picture. But, of course, it's easy -overdoing that sort of thing." - -"Nothing easier--like those American Johnnies," acquiesced his friend. -"Yes, a rippin' picture, I call that--good colour, you know, but all well -toned down. Do you know what it is--I've a great mind to have one too." - -"Good!" cried the major. "You really couldn't do better, you know--six -guineas, frame included." - -"I believe you're right. Yes, I'll take one too," said the other, -turning to the dealer, who was standing silently by. - -"Very good, sir," said the dealer. "I'll look one out for you by -to-morrow afternoon, if that would suit you." - -"Suit me well. Six guineas in the frame, I suppose?" - -"Yes, sir, six guineas, unless---- Would you like a pair of them, sir? I -might be able to take a little off for a pair." - -The grave way in which he suggested a pair of Rubenses, as if it were -customary to sell Rubenses in braces like pheasants, was too much for -my nerves. I looked at my watch and made for the door, and I hope that I -was well round the corner before I burst out. - -I heard afterwards that the officer had no use for a brace of Rubenses; -but he bought a nice little Dutch village scene, by a painter named -Teniers, for three pounds. It was not signed by the artist; but I have -no doubt, if he had made a point of it, the dealer would have obliged -him: the work of restoration frequently includes the restoring of an -artist's signature. - -So it was impressed on me that there is a humorous side even to picture -dealing in the provinces. - -That incident, I repeat, took place in the good old days; but if one -gives some attention to the law courts even nowadays one will find -plenty to laugh at in connection with transactions in the fine arts. It -was certainly very amusing to see some year or two ago, the examples of -fine old Dresden which were displayed as "exhibits"--in the legal, not -the exhibition, sense--in the law courts, all of which were pronounced -spurious by the experts, though sold for many thousand pounds to a -wealthy old tradesman, and to follow the story of every transaction. But -I found it more amusing still to identify the various pieces with the -illustrations contained in aback number of a leading magazine of art -which had devoted several pages to a description of the magnificent -Dresden collection of the old tradesman. What had been referred to as -the gems of the cabinets were the very things that were produced in the -Court as examples of the spurious! - - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Lighter Side of English Life, by -Frank Frankfort Moore - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ENGLISH LIFE *** - -***** This file should be named 51927-8.txt or 51927-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/9/2/51927/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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Thus, we do not -necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper -edition. - -Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search -facility: www.gutenberg.org - -This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, -including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary -Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to -subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. - diff --git a/old/51927-8.zip b/old/51927-8.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index 7c0a6b0..0000000 --- a/old/51927-8.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/51927-h.zip b/old/51927-h.zip Binary files differdeleted file mode 100644 index ea1d199..0000000 --- a/old/51927-h.zip +++ /dev/null diff --git a/old/51927-h/51927-h.htm b/old/51927-h/51927-h.htm deleted file mode 100644 index 9017a03..0000000 --- a/old/51927-h/51927-h.htm +++ /dev/null @@ -1,9112 +0,0 @@ -<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> - -<!DOCTYPE html - PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" - "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > - -<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> - <head> - <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=UTF-8" /> - <title> - The Lighter Side of English Life, by Frank Frankfort Moore - </title> - <link rel="coverpage" href="images/cover.jpg" /> - <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> - - body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} - P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } - H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } - hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} - .foot { margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 5%; text-align: justify; font-size: 80%; font-style: italic;} - blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} - .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} - .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} - .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} - .xx-small {font-size: 60%;} - .x-small {font-size: 75%;} - .small {font-size: 85%;} - .large {font-size: 115%;} - .x-large {font-size: 130%;} - .indent5 { margin-left: 5%;} - .indent10 { margin-left: 10%;} - .indent15 { margin-left: 15%;} - .indent20 { margin-left: 20%;} - .indent30 { margin-left: 30%;} - .indent40 { margin-left: 40%;} - div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } - div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } - .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} - .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} - .pagenum {position: absolute; right: 1%; font-size: 0.6em; - font-variant: normal; font-style: normal; - text-align: right; background-color: #FFFACD; - border: 1px solid; padding: 0.3em;text-indent: 0em;} - .side { float: left; font-size: 75%; width: 15%; padding-left: 0.8em; - border-left: dashed thin; text-align: left; - text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; - font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} - .head { float: left; font-size: 90%; width: 98%; padding-left: 0.8em; - border-left: dashed thin; text-align: center; - text-indent: 0; font-weight: bold; font-style: italic; - font-weight: bold; color: black; background: #eeeeee; border: solid 1px;} - p.pfirst, p.noindent {text-indent: 0} - span.dropcap { float: left; margin: 0 0.1em 0 0; line-height: 0.8 } - pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} - -</style> - </head> - <body> - - -<pre> - -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Lighter Side of English Life, by -Frank Frankfort Moore - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: The Lighter Side of English Life - -Author: Frank Frankfort Moore - -Illustrator: George Belcher - -Release Date: May 1, 2016 [EBook #51927] -Last Updated: March 13, 2018 - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ENGLISH LIFE *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - -</pre> - - <div style="height: 8em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h1> - THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ENGLISH LIFE - </h1> - <h2> - By Frank Frankfort Moore - </h2> - <h4> - Author Of “The Jessamy Bride” - </h4> - <h3> - Illustrated in Colour by George Belcher - </h3> - <h4> - T. N. Foulis, London & Edinburgh - </h4> - <h3> - 1913 - </h3> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0001.jpg" alt="0001 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0001.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0008.jpg" alt="0008 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0008.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0009.jpg" alt="0009 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0009.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <p> - <b>CONTENTS</b> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0001"> <b>CHAPTER</b> ONE—THE VILLAGE </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> I—THE ABORIGINES </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> II.—THE CENTENARIANS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> III. THE POINT OF VIEW </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0002"> <b>CHAPTER</b> TWO.—OUTSIDE THE VILLAGE - </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> I.—THE GENERAL </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> II.—THE DEAR OLD LADY </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0003"> <b>CHAPTER</b> THREE—THE VILLAGE VILLAS - </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> I.—THE PILLARS OF SOCIETY </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> II.—THE SHATTERING OF THE PILLARS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> III.—FLOWERS AND FRIENDSHIPS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0004"> <b>CHAPTER</b> FOUR—THE COMEDIES OF THE - COUNTRY HOUSE </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> I.—LESSEES FROM THE MIDLANDS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> II.—THE LEGENDS OF THE COUNTRY HOUSE </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> III.—FATE OF THE FAMILY PORTRAITS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0005"> <b>CHAPTER</b> FIVE—THE COUNTY, OLD AND - CRUSTED </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> I.—THE STRANGERS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> II.—THE INSECT AND THE MAMMOTH </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0006"> <b>CHAPTER</b> SIX—THE OLD COUNTY TOWN </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> I.—IN THE HIGH STREET </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> II.—PRECIOUS PANELLING </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> III.—THE AMENITIES OF THE HIGH STREET </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> IV.—THE TWO ICONOCLASTS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> V.—THE SOCIAL “SETS” </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> VI.—THE CASE OF MR. STANWELL </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0007"> <b>CHAPTER</b> SEVEN—THE PEOPLE OF - MALLINGHAM </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> I.—THE MAYOR </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> II.—THE FIRST FAMILIES </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> III.—MISS LATIMER'S MARRIAGE LINES </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> IV.—THE ENTERPRISE OF MALLINGHAM </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0008"> <b>CHAPTER</b> EIGHT—THE PUSHING PROVINCIAL - TOWN </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> I.—THE MODERN METHODS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0033"> II.—LIBRARIANS WHILE YOU WAIT </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> III.—ARCHÆOLOGICAL ENTERPRISE </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0009"> <b>CHAPTER</b> NINE—RED-TILED SOCIETY </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> I.—THE ILLUSTRIOUS STRANGER </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> II.—THE PRINCE'S PARADE </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0010"> <b>CHAPTER</b> TEN—LESSER ENGLISH COUNTRY - TOWNS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0039"> I.—STARKIE AND THE STATES </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0040"> II.—OUR FATHERS' FOOTSTEPS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0011"> <b>CHAPTER</b> ELEVEN—THE CATHEDRAL TOWN - </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0042"> I.—IN THE SHADOW OF THE MINSTER </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0043"> II.—THE NEW PALACE </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0044"> III.—ANTE-MORTEM GENEROSITY </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> IV.—THE BLACK SHEEP </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0012"> <b>CHAPTER</b> TWELVE—A CLOSE CORPORATION - </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> I.—TROLLOPE'S MRS. PROUDIE </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0048"> II.—THE INNOVATORS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0049"> III.—THE PEACEMAKERS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0050"> IV.—THE VOX HUMANA </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0051"> V.—THE PILGRIM'S PROGRESS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0052"> VI.—THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE MINSTER </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0013"> <b>CHAPTER</b> THIRTEEN—AMONG THE AMATEURS - </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0054"> I.—MR. BARTON'S HIGH NOTE </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0055"> II.—THE MUSICAL TABLEAUX </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0056"> III.—THE DRAMA </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0014"> <b>CHAPTER</b> FOURTEEN—THE LIGHTER SIDE OF - CLERICAL LIFE </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0058"> I.—THE FRANK CANON </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0059"> II.—THE “CHARPSON” </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0060"> III.—THE BIBLE CLASS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0061"> IV.—THE ENCYCLOPÆDIC PARSON </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0062"> V.—THE ALMONERS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0015"> <b>CHAPTER</b> FIFTEEN—THE CROQUET LAWNS - </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0064"> I.—A CONGENIAL PURSUIT </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0065"> II.—THE PLAYERS </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2HCH0016"> <b>CHAPTER</b> SIXTEEN—ART & THE ARTFUL - IN THE PROVINCES </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0067"> I.—THE ARTISTIC OUTLOOK </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0068"> II.—ART AND THE SHERIFF </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0069"> III.—THE COUNTRY PICTURE SALE </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0070"> IV.—HUMOURS OF THE ROSTRUM </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0071"> V. THE ARTFUL AND GOLDSTEIN </a> - </p> - <p class="toc"> - <a href="#link2H_4_0072"> VI.—TRICKS AND TRICKS </a> - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER ONE—THE VILLAGE - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>NE MORNING A FEW - MONTHS AGO A foreigner under the influence of an aeroplane descended - somewhat hurriedly in a broad and—as he ascertained—a soft - meadow in Nethershire; and while he was picking up his matches preparatory - to lighting his cigarette—he has always a cigarette in his waistcoat - pocket, for a man with a Kodak may be lurking behind the nearest tree—an - agricultural labourer on his way to his work looked over the hedge at him. - The foreign person noticed him, and after trying him in vain with German, - French, and Hungarian, fell back upon English, and in the few words of - that language which he knew, inquired the name of the place. “Why, Bleybar - Lane, to be sure,” replied the man, perceiving the trend of the question - with the quick intelligence of the agricultural labourer; and when the - stranger shook his head and lapsed into Russian, begging him to be more - precise (for the aviator had not altogether recovered from the daze of his - sudden arrival), the man repeated the words in a louder tone, “Bleybar - Lane—everybody knows Bleybar Lane; and that's Thurswell that you - can't see, beyond the windmill,” and then walked on. Happily our parson, - who had watched the descent of the stranger and was hastening to try if he - could be of any help to him, came up at that moment and explained that he - was in England, where English was, up to that time at least, spoken in - preference to German or, indeed, any other language, and that breakfast - would be ready at the Rectory in an hour. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I—THE ABORIGINES - </h2> - <p> - It was the Rector who told me the story, adding in regard to the labourer—— - “Isn't that just like Thurswell—fancying that a Czech who had just - crossed the Channel, and believed himself to be in Belgium, should know - all about Thurswell and its Bleybar Lane?” - </p> - <p> - I thought that it was very like Thurswell indeed, and afterwards I made it - still more like by talking to the agricultural labourer himself about the - incident. - </p> - <p> - “Ay, he spoke gibberish with a foreign accent, and I told him plain - enough, when he had swept his arms and cried 'Where?' or words to that - effect, that he was by Bleybar Lane, and that the place he couldn't see - for the windmill was Thurswell; but it were no use: foreigners be in the - main woeful ignorant for Christian persons, and I could see that he had no - knowledge even of Thurswell when he heard the name.” - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0023.jpg" alt="0023 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0023.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - That is our village down to the ground. You could not persuade one of the - aborigines that there is any place in England or outside it of greater - importance than Thurswell, because there is no place of greater importance - to the Thurswellian. An aged inhabitant was taken by his son to see the - coronation procession, and when he was asked what it was like, replied, - after a suitable pause, that it ran Thurs-well's Day very hard—Thurswell's - Day is the name given to the First Sunday after Trinity, when the Free - Foresters and Ancient Shepherds march to church in sashes, with a band - made up of a fife, three flutes, a drum, a concertina, and a melodion. - </p> - <p> - “Ay, neighbours, it ran Thurswell's Day hard,” he affirmed, and did not - flinch from his statement in spite of the incredulous murmur that arose - from the bench nearest the door, which was immediately suppressed by the - landlord, who was apprehensive of a riot. - </p> - <p> - Thurswell is a village of antiquity. Its name occurs in <i>Domesday Book</i>, - where you may look in vain for any mention of Brindlington, that mushroom - town of 60.000 inhabitants, which is nine miles to the north, or even of - Broadminster, the Cathedral town, which is seven miles to the west. - “Broadminster is where the Dean lives,” I was told by the landlord of the - Wheatsheaf at Thurswell when I was making inquiries about the district, - “and Brindlington is where the brewery is; but my father got his ale at - Pipstone, and I get mine there too, though it's a blow to Brindlington, - for in harvest the best part of a cask goes within a week.” - </p> - <p> - There are several other villages within a mile or so of Thurswell, and the - inhabitants of some are infatuated enough to believe that they are on a - social, as well as a commercial, level with the people of Thurswell. This - singular hallucination caused a good deal of friction on all sides in - years gone by, and <i>the rapprochement</i> that was eventually brought - about between Thurswell and its neighbours by the thoughtfulness of a - Rector, who preached a sermon on the vision of St. Peter and enjoined upon - his hearers to remember that even though people have not been born in - Thurswell they are still God's creatures, was a purely sentimental one, - and did not last. - </p> - <p> - Some years ago an article appeared in the <i>Topographical Gazette</i> - from the pen of an eminent archaeologist affirming that Thurswell must - originally have been Thor's Well, so that the place dated back to the time - of the worship of the Scandinavian god Thor; but while this evidence of - its antiquity was received by some of us with enthusiasm—having been - a resident in the village for a whole year I was naturally an ardent - Thurswellian—it was, when reproduced in the <i>East Nethershire - Weekly</i>, generally regarded as the invention of some one anxious to - give the enemies of the village some ground for their animosity toward it. - For the suggestion that it had a heathen origin was not one, it was felt, - to which its people could tamely submit. There was some talk of a public - meeting to protest against the conclusions come to by the archaeologist, - and the Rector was considered in some quarters to be but a half-hearted - champion of the Faith when he refused to lend the schoolhouse—sixty - people could be crowded into it—for this purpose, his argument that - the more heathen Thurswell had been in the past, the more marked should be - its display of the Christian virtue of charity in the present, being - criticised as savouring of Jesuitry. For months the matter was the leading - topic of the neighbourhood, and the Hearts of Oak Habitation of the - Ancient Shepherds drew up a resolution protesting in this connection - against “archaeology and every form of idolatry.” It was the misprint in - the <i>Gazette</i> that changed “Hearts of Oak” into “Heads of Oak” in - publishing the proceedings that quenched the violence of the discussion, - and now it is considered bad taste to refer to it at all. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - II.—THE CENTENARIANS - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>ore recently still - another busybody endeavoured to deprive the village of the reputation - which it had long enjoyed as the centre of English longevity. Now it would - be impossible for any one to study the dates on the tombstones in the - churchyard without noticing how great was the number of centenarians who - died within the first fifty years of the nineteenth century in the parish - of Thurswell. There were apparently eighteen men and fourteen women - interred after passing their hundredth year; indeed, one woman was - recorded to have reached her hundred and twenty-seventh year, which is a - good age for a woman. The people were naturally very proud of the constant - references made in print to their longevity; but one day there came down - to the village a member of the Statistical Society, and after busying - himself among the musty parish registers for a month, he announced his - discovery that in every case but one the date of the birth of the alleged - centenarians was the date of the birth of their parents. The investigator - had noticed that all the alleged centenarians had “departed this life” - during the rectorship of the Rev. Thomas Ticehurst, and centenarianism had - always been his fad. He had preached sermon after sermon on Methuselah and - other distinguished multi-centenarians, and he spent his time travelling - about the country in search of evidence in confirmation of the theory that - Methuselah, though somewhat beyond the average in respect of age, might - yet have been exceeded on his own ground by many people living in the - country districts of England. Nothing was easier, the investigator tried - to show, than for a clergyman in charge of the registers, who had such a - hobby, to assume, when any very old man or woman died in his parish, that - he or she actually was twenty years or so older; and as the Christian - names were nearly always hereditary, in nine cases out of ten he accepted - the registry of the birth of the father as that of the lately deceased - man, and the date of the birth of the mother in regard to the aged woman, - the result being a series of the most interesting inscriptions. - </p> - <p> - I must confess that I myself felt that I had a personal grievance against - this busybody statistician. There is nothing so comforting to the - middle-aged as a stroll through a cemetery of centenarians; and I had the - most uncharitable feelings against the person who could make such an - attempt to deprive me of the pleasant hope of living another sixty or - seventy years. - </p> - <p> - But while we were still talking about the danger of permitting strangers - to have access to the registers, I was told one morning that a man who had - once been the gardener at the place which I had just acquired would like - to see me. Now, I had had already some traffic with the superannuated - gardener of my predecessor, and so I was now surprised to find myself face - to face with quite a different person. - </p> - <p> - “You were not the gardener here,” I said. “I saw him; his name is Craggs, - and he still lives in the hollow.” - </p> - <p> - “Oh ay, Jonas Craggs—young Joe, we called him; I knew his father,” - replied my visitor. “He was only here a matter of six-and-thirty years. I - was superann'ated to make way for him. Young-Joe, we called him, and I was - curious to see how things had come on in the garden of late.” - </p> - <p> - “You were superannuated thirty-six years ago,” said I. “What age are you - now?” - </p> - <p> - “I'm ninety-eight, sir,” he replied with a smirk. - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0008.jpg" alt="0008 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0008.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - I showed him round the garden. He said he could see that the things he had - planted had grown summut; and I walked through the churchyard the next - Sunday with the greatest complacency. - </p> - <p> - When I told the Rector that my experience of this grand old gardener - tended to make me take the side of Thurswell and the neighbourhood against - scientific investigation in regard to longevity, he assured me that if I - paid a visit to a certain elderly lady who lived with a middle-aged - granddaughter in a cottage on the road to Cransdown I should find ample - confirmation of the faith for which I had a leaning. The lady's name was, - he said, Martha Trendall, and she really was, he thought, a genuine - centenarian, for she had a vivid recollection of events which had happened - quite ninety years ago; and, unlike most reputed centenarians, she - remembered many details of the historical incidents that had taken place - in her young days; she was a most intelligent person altogether, and had - evidently been at one time a great reader, though latterly her eyesight - had shown signs of failing. - </p> - <p> - I made up my mind to pay a visit to this Mrs. Trendall, and thought that - perhaps I might get material for a letter to the <i>Times</i> that should - not leave the scientific investigator a leg to stand on. A month, however, - elapsed before I carried out my intention, though the Rector thought this - was not a case for procrastination: when a lady is anything over a hundred - her hold upon life shows a tendency to relax, he said, for even the most - notorious centenarians cannot be expected to live for ever. But when I - managed to make my call I must confess that I was amply repaid for the - time I spent in the company of Mrs. Trendall. - </p> - <p> - I found her sitting in her chair in what is called the chimney corner when - it exists in its original condition in a cottage, but is termed the “ingle - nook” in those red brick imitation cottages which are being flung about - the country by those architects who concern themselves in the development - of estates. I saw at once that such a figure would be out of place - anywhere except in the chimney corner of a cottage kitchen, with immovable - windows, but a “practicable” iron crane for the swinging of pots over the - hearth fire. The atmosphere—thanks to the immobile casements—was - also all that it should be: it was congenially centenarian, I perceived in - a moment. It had a pleasant pungency of old bacon, but though I looked - about for a genuine flitch maturing in the smoke, I failed to see one—still, - the nail on which it should be hanging was there all right. - </p> - <p> - The old woman was quite alert. There was nothing of the wheezy gammer - about her. Only one ear was slightly deaf, she told me when I had been - introduced by her granddaughter—a woman certainly over fifty. She - smiled referring to her one infirmity, and when she smiled the parchment - of her face became like the surface of the most ancient palimpsest: it was - seamed by a thousand of the finest lines, and made me feel that I was - looking at an original etching by Rembrandt or Albert Dürer—a “trial - proof,” not evenly bitten in places; and the cap she wore added to the - illusion. - </p> - <p> - She was, I could see, what might be called a professional centenarian, and - so might retain some of those prejudices which existed long ago against - “talking shop” and therefore I refrained from referring in any way to her - age: I felt sure that when the right moment came she would give me an - opening, and I found that I had not misjudged her. I had scarcely told her - how greatly we all liked our house before she gratified me by a - reminiscence of the antepenultimate owner: he had died, I happen to know, - thirty-eight years ago, and Mrs. Trendall remembered the morning he first - rode his black horse to hounds—that was the year before he married, - and his son was now a major-general. “A long time ago,” I remarked, and - she smiled the patronising smile of the professional at the feeble effort - of an incompetent amateur. “Long ago? Oh no; only a bit over sixty years—maybe - seventy.” The difference between sixty and seventy years ago was in her - eyes not worth taking any account of. Her treatment of this reminiscence - gave me warning of what she could do when she had her second wind and got - into her stride. - </p> - <p> - “You must have a great memory, Mrs. Trendall,” I remarked. “Was there much - stir in this neighbourhood when Queen Victoria got married? I heard - something about a big bonfire on Earl's Beacon.” - </p> - <p> - “'Twere no more'n a lucifer match in compare with the flare up after - Waterloo,” was her complacent reply; and I felt as if I had just had an - audacious pawn taken by my opponent's Queen. “Ay, Thurswell lost three - fine youngsters at Waterloo. There was Amos Scovell, him with the red - hair.” - </p> - <p> - “The one they used to call Carrots?” I suggested. - </p> - <p> - She brightened up. - </p> - <p> - “The very same—Carrots they called him sure enough,” she said, - nodding. “But you couldn't have knowed'un; you're no more'n a stripling as - yet. Doan't you list to all that you hear from them that calls theirselves - ancient old venerables; there's not a one of'un that's truthfully old—I'm - the only one; take my word for it, sir.” - </p> - <p> - I gave her to understand (I hope) by my confidential smile and shake of - the head that I was aware of the many fraudulent claims to longevity - advanced by some of our friends about Thurswell. - </p> - <p> - “Age? Age is an empty thing without a memory,” I remarked. “But what a - memory you have, Mrs. Trendall! I shouldn't wonder if you recollected the - news of Nelson's victory at Trafalgar arriving in England—oh no: - that was too long ago even for you.” - </p> - <p> - She bridled up in a moment. - </p> - <p> - “Too long ago for me?—too long, quotha! Don't I mind it as if it - happened no earlier'n last week? It were before I married my first. It - were my father that came a-bustling hasty like and wi' a face rosy wi' - beer and hurry, and says he, 'Nelson has broke the Frenchies on us—broke - them noble, and we may look for'un coming home any day now,' says he; and - there wasn't a sober man in the five parishes that night—no, not a - one. Ay, those was times!” - </p> - <p> - “Surely—surely,” I acquiesced. “But now that you can look back on - them quite calmly in the afternoon of your life, would you really say that - they were more lively times than when the Duke of Marlborough was doing - his fighting for us? You've heard your mother speak of Marlborough, I'm - sure.” - </p> - <p> - “My mother—speak! Why, I see'un for myself wi' these very eyes when - he come home from the wars—a nice, well-set-up gentleman, if so be - that I know what'tis to be a gentleman. It was when he come to pay his - respex to Squire Longden at Old Deane—the squire that married - thrice, as they said, the first for love, the second for lucre, and the - third for—for—now was it for liquor or learning?—Well, - 'twere one of the two. Ay, sir, those was the times—before there was - any talk about Prince Albert and the Christian Palace in London.” - </p> - <p> - “I should rather think so. And if you are old enough to remember seeing - the great Duke of Marlborough, I am sure that you may remember seeing - Oliver Cromwell when he came through Thurswell with his army?” - </p> - <p> - “Oliver Cromwell? You've spoke the truth, sir. I see'un once—on'y - once, to be exact. I mind'un well.'Twere in the mid o' hay harvest, and - father come up to us in a mortial great haste, and says he, 'Martha lass, - throw down that rake and I'll show you the greatest sight o' your life—Cromwell - hisself on a mighty skewbald.' And, sure enough, there he was a-galloping - at the head of a fine army o' men, with guns a-rumbling and the bugles - blowing—grand as a circus—ay, Batty's Circus with all the fun - about Jump Jim Crow and Billy Barlow and the rest. Oh, I saw'un sure.” - </p> - <p> - “And Queen Elizabeth—I wonder if you ever chanced to see her?” - </p> - <p> - “Never, sir—never! 'Twere always the sorrow o' my life that the day - she passed through Ticebourne, where I was living with my grand-aunt - Martha—her that I was named after—I had been sent with a - basket o' three dozen eggs—one dozen of'em turkeys—to the big - house, and her ladyship not being at home I had to wait the best part of a - whole hour, and by the time I got back the Queen had driven away, so I - missed the chance o' my life; for being since my early years noteworthy - for speaking the truth to a hairs-breadth, I couldn't bring myself to say - that I had seen a royal person when I hadn't. But what I can say is that I - on'y missed seeing of her by twenty minutes, more or less.” - </p> - <p> - I began to feel that I might be overwhelmed if I were borne much farther - in the current of the pellucid stream of Mrs. Trendall's veracity; so I - rose and thanked the good woman for her courtesy, and expressed the hope - that the efforts she had made on my behalf to be rigidly accurate had not - fatigued her. - </p> - <p> - She assured me that all she had said was nothing to what she could say if - I had a mind to listen to her. - </p> - <p> - When I acknowledged to the Rector that the memory of Martha had surpassed - my most sanguine hopes, he was greatly delighted. I thought it well, - however, to neglect the opportunity he gave me of going into the details - of her interesting recollections. Before we dropped the subject, he said - what a pity it was that an historian of the nineteenth century could not - avail himself of the services of Martha to keep him straight on some - points that might be pronounced of a contentious nature. - </p> - <p> - Not many days after my interesting interview with Martha, the professional - centenarian, the decease of an unobtrusive amateur was notified to me. It - came about through the temporary disorganisation of our bread service, - which I learned was due to the sudden death of the baker's mother. - Entering his shop a week or two later, I ventured to say a word of - conventional condolence to him, and this was responded to by him with a - mournful volubility that made me feel as if I had just attended a funeral - oration, or an inefficient reading of “In Memoriam.” It was a terrible - blow to him, he said—a cruel blow; and he went on to suggest that it - was such an apparently gratuitous stroke that it made even the most - orthodox man doubt the existence of mercy in the Hand that had inflicted - it. - </p> - <p> - “No doubt, no doubt,” I acquiesced. “But, after all, we must all die some - day, Martin, and your good mother could scarcely be said to have been cut - off long before she had reached the allotted span. You know you can hardly - call yourself a young man still, Martin.” - </p> - <p> - He shook his head as if to hint that he had heard this sort of thing - before. I think it very probable that he had: I know that I had, more than - once. But I thought that there was no occasion for him to suggest so much, - so I boldly asked him what age his mother had reached. - </p> - <p> - He shook his head, not laterally this time, but longitudinally, and - distributing the flies more evenly over a plate of jam tarts with a - mournful whisk of his feather duster, he replied— - </p> - <p> - “She was a hundred and four last February, sir.” - </p> - <p> - I turned right about and left him alone with his irreparable grief. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - III. THE POINT OF VIEW - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>n the subject of - age, I may say that it has always seemed to me that it is the aim of most - people to appear as young as possible—and perhaps even more so—for - as long as possible—and perhaps even longer; but then it seems - gradually to dawn upon them that there may be as much distinction attached - to age as to youth, and those who have been trying to pass themselves off - as much younger than they really are turn their attention in the other - direction and endeavour to make themselves out to be much older than the - number of their years. It is, of course, chiefly in the cottages that the - real veterans are to be found—old men and women who take a proper - pride in having reached a great if somewhat indefinite age, and in holding - in contempt the efforts of a neighbour to rival them in this way. One of - the peculiarities of these good folk is to become hilarious over the news - of the death of some contemporary. I have seen ancient men chuckle at the - notion of their having survived some neighbour who, they averred with - great emphasis, was much their junior. The idea seems to strike them as - being highly humorous. And so perhaps it may be, humour being so highly - dependent upon the standpoint from which it is viewed. - </p> - <p> - In the cottages the conversation frequently turns upon the probability of - an aged inmate being gathered unto his fathers before next harvest or, if - in autumn, before the first snow, and the utmost frankness characterises - the remarks made on this subject in the presence of the person who might - be supposed to be the most interested in the discussion, though, as a - matter of fact, he is as little interested in it as the Tichborne claimant - acknowledged he was in his trial after it had passed its fortieth day. I - was fortunate enough to reach the shelter of a farm cottage before a great - storm a few years ago, and on a truckle bed in the warm side of the living - room of the family there lay an old man, who nodded to me and quavered out - a “good marn.” I asked the woman, who was peeling potatoes sitting on a - stool, if he was her father or her husband's father. - </p> - <p> - “He's Grandpaw Beck; but don't you take any heed o' him, sir, he's dying,” - she replied, with the utmost cheerfulness. “Doctor's bin here yestereve, - and says he'll be laid out afore a week. But we've everything handylike - and ready for'un.” - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0033.jpg" alt="0033 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0033.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - She pointed to a chair on which some white garments were neatly laid. “I - run the iron o'er'em afore settin' to the bit o' dinner,” she explained. - </p> - <p> - I glanced at the old man. He nodded his approval of her good housekeeping. - He clearly thought that procrastination should be discountenanced. - </p> - <p> - The flashes of lightning and the peals of thunder seemed to me to be by no - means extravagant accompaniments to this grim scene (as it appeared in my - eyes). I have certainly known far less impressive scenes on the stage - thought worthy of the illumination of lightning and the punctuation of - thunder claps. - </p> - <p> - This familiar treatment of the subject of the coming of the grim figure - with the scythe prevails in every direction. A friend of mine had a like - experience in a cottage in another part of the country. The man of the - house—he was a farm labourer—was about to emigrate to Canada, - and was anxious to get as good a price as possible for some pieces of old - china in his possession, and my friend had called to see them by - invitation. He was brought into a bedroom where the plates were to be seen - on a dresser; and by way of making conversation on entering the room, he - asked the man when he thought of leaving England. - </p> - <p> - “Oh, very shortly now,” he replied. “Just as soon as feyther there dies” - (jerking his head in the direction of a bed), “and he's far gone—he's - dying fast—Doctor Jaffray gives us great hope that a week'll - finish'un.” - </p> - <p> - He then went on to talk about the china, explaining that three of the - pieces had been brought by his grandmother from the Manor House, where she - had been still-room maid for twenty-six years. - </p> - <p> - “Twenty-eight years—twenty-eight years, Amos,” came a correcting - falsetto from the bed. - </p> - <p> - “You know nowt o' the matter,” cried the son. “This is no business o' - yours. We doan't want none o' your jaw. Go on wi' your dying.” - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER TWO.—OUTSIDE THE VILLAGE - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I.—THE GENERAL - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>N A VERY DIFFERENT - PLANE OF INterest I regard my experience of two delightful old people whom - I found living, the one a mile or two on the Brindlington side of - Thurswell, the other on the Broadminster side, “where the Dean lives.” The - former is an old general who once commanded a regiment of Sikhs and spent - fifty years in India. He is now eighty-three years of age, and has two - sons with the rank of colonel, a grandson who is a captain of Sappers, and - two who are lieutenants in the navy. The old man has nothing of the - bristling retired general about him—not even the liver. He is of a - gentle, genial nature, not very anxious to hear the latest news, and not - at all eager to make his visitors acquainted with his experiences in India - or his views as to the exact degree of decadence reached by “the sarvice.” - He speaks in a low and an almost apologetic tone, and is interested in old - Oriental china and tortoiseshell tea-caddies. One could never believe that - this was the man whose sobriquet of Shire-i-Iran (Lion of Persia) was once - a household word along the turbulent northwest frontier, or that he had - been the most brilliant exponent of all the dash which one associates with - the cavalry leader. His reputation on that long frontier was that of an - Oriental equivalent of the Wild Huntsman of the German ballad. People had - visions of him galloping by night at the head of his splendid Sikhs to cut - off the latest fanatical insurrectionary from his supports, and then sweep - him and his marauders off the face of the earth. Certainly no cavalry - leader ever handled his men with that daring which he displayed—a - daring that would have deserved to be called recklessness had it once - failed.... And there he sat at dinner, talking in his low voice about the - fluted rim of one of his tea-caddies, and explaining how it was quite - possible to repair the silver stringing that beautified the top. Once I - fancied I overheard him telling the person who sat by him at dinner about - the native regiments—I felt sure that I heard the word “Sepoy,” and - I became alert. Alas! the word that I had caught was only “tea-poy”—he - was telling how he had got a finely cut glass for a deficient caddie out - of an old nineteenth-century mahogany tea-poy. That was the nearest - approach he made to the days of his greatness. - </p> - <p> - But I noticed with satisfaction that he partook of every dish that was - offered to him—down to the marmalade pudding. At dessert he glanced - down the table and said that he thought he would have an apple. “No, - dear,” said his daughter, gently but firmly removing the dish beyond his - reach. “You know that you are not allowed to touch apples.” - </p> - <p> - “Why, what harm will an apple do me—just one—only one apple?” - he inquired, and there were tears in his voice—it had become a - tremulous pipe, the tone of a child whose treat had been unjustly - curtailed. “No, dear, not even one. It is for your own good: you should - have an apple if it agreed with you; but it doesn't.” - </p> - <p> - “I want an apple—I can't see what harm an apple would do me,” he - cried again. But his daughter was firm. It was very pathetic to witness - the scene. The Lion of Persia becoming plaintive at being denied a - rosy-cheeked apple. The man who, with a force of only six hundred sabres - behind him, had ridden up to Mir Ali Singh with the three thousand rebels - supporting him, and demanded his sword, and got it, not being able to get - his apple when he had asked for it nicely, seemed to me to be a most - pathetic figure. I pleaded for him as one pleads for a child in the - nursery: he had been a good boy and had eaten all that had been set before - him quite nicely—why might he not have an apple to make him happy? - </p> - <p> - But the daughter was inexorable. She told me that I did not know her - father, while she did. An apple would be poison to him; and so the old - hero was left complaining, with an occasional falsetto note, upon the - restrictions of his commissariat. I am pretty sure that there was no - falsetto note in any of his complaints in regard to commissariat forty - years ago. - </p> - <p> - He was a noble old warrior, however, for when his daughter had, with the - rest of the ladies, left us after dinner, he never put out a hand to the - apple dish, though there was no man at the table who would have interfered - with him had he done so; the Newtown Pippins remained blushing, but not on - account of any disloyalty on his part to the duty he owed to the daughter - who had his welfare at heart. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - II.—THE DEAR OLD LADY - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he aged lady who - lives in a lovely old moated house a few miles out of Thurswell is one of - the youngest people I ever met. She is the mother of two distinguished - sons and the grandmother of a peeress. She takes an interest in everything - that is going on in various parts of the world, and even points out the - mistakes made by the leader-writers in the London papers—some of the - mistakes. But she does so quite cheerfully and without any animus. She - still sketches <i>en plein air</i>, and in her drawings there is no - suggestion of the drawing-master of the early Victorians. Any elderly - person who could hold a pencil and whose moral character could bear a - strict investigation was accounted competent to teach drawing in those - days; for drawing in those days meant nothing beyond making a fair copy of - a lithograph of a cottage in a wood with a ladder leaning against a gable - and a child sitting on a fence—a possible successful statesman in - the future—with a dog below him. She never was so taught, she told - me: she had always held out against the restrictions of the schoolroom of - her young days, and had never played either the “Maiden's Prayer” or the - “Battle of Prague.” Thalberg's variations on “Home Sweet Home” she had - been compelled to learn. No young lady in that era of young ladies could - avoid acquiring at least the skeleton of Thalberg's masterpiece: and I was - glad that this particular old lady, who had once been a young lady, had - mastered it; for it enabled her to give me the most delightful parody upon - it that could be imagined. - </p> - <p> - Only once did I hear her speak with bitterness in referring to any one; - but when she began upon this occasion, she spoke not only bitterly, but - wrathfully—contemptuously as well. She was referring to the Emperor - Napoleon III. in his relations with the unhappy Maximilian of Mexico. She - had known the latter intimately. My own impression is that she had been in - love with him—and tears were in her eyes when she talked of how he - had been betrayed by the man whom she called a contemptible little cad. - Sedan represented, in her way of thinking, the cordial agreement with her - views by the Powers above. To hear her talk of those tragedies of more - than forty years ago, as if they were the incidents of the day before - yesterday, was inspiriting. I never inquired what was her age, but one - afternoon when I called upon her I found that a birthday party was going - on—a double party; for it was her birthday as well as her youngest - grandchild's. Two fully iced cakes, with pink and white complexions, were - being illuminated in the customary way, and each had been made a - candelabrum of eight tapers. When I ventured to suggest that there must be - an error in computation in some direction, it was the younger of the - beneficiaries who explained to me that about seventy years or so ago - Granny had become too old to allow of her birthday cake holding the full - amount of the candles to which she was entitled, so it had been agreed - that she should have only one candle for every ten years of her life. The - little girl confided in me that she thought it was rather a shame to cheat - poor Granny out of her rights, but of course there was no help for it: any - one could see that no cake could be made large enough to accommodate, - without undue crowding, eighty-one candles. - </p> - <p> - I looked at the sweet old Granny, and thought, for some reason or other, - of the night of the first January of the century when I had stood - listening to the tolling of the eighty-one strokes of the church bell in - Devonshire, when every belfry in the kingdom announced the age of the good - Queen who had gone to her rest. I wondered... - </p> - <p> - This dear lady of the eight-candle birthday cake—of which, by the - bye, she partook heartily and apparently without the least misgiving—had - been married at the age of seventeen, and this, she thought, was exactly - the right age for a girl to marry, not, as might be supposed, because it - admitted of her period of repentance being so much the longer, but simply - because she considered grandchildren so interesting. She was not inclined - to be tolerant over the prudent marriages of the present day, when no girl - is unreasonable enough to expect a proposal before she is twenty-five, or - from a man who is less than thirty-five. It almost brought me back to - Shakespeare's England to hear her express such opinions. That stately old - lady, Juliet's mother, as she appears in every modern production of the - play, was made by the author to be something between twenty-six and - twenty-seven, her daughter being some months under fourteen, but certainly - forward for her age. We used to be informed by sage critics of this drama - “of utter love defeated utterly” that Shakespeare made Juliet so young - because it was the custom in Italy, where girls developed into womanhood - at a much earlier age than in England, for a girl to marry at Juliet's - time of life. It so happens, however, that early marriage was the custom - in England and not in Italy in the sixteenth century. When a girl was - twelve her parents looked about for a promising husband for her, and - usually found one when she was thirteen. - </p> - <p> - Only a few months ago I came upon an unpublished letter, written in the - beautiful Gothic hand of Queen Elizabeth, in response to the inquiry of an - ambassador respecting a wife for an amiable young prince. The Queen - suggested two names of highly eligible young women, and mentioned that one - of them was twelve and the other thirteen! - </p> - <p> - The most flagrant example of unbridled centenarianism which I have yet - come across in the course of my investigations in the neighbourhood of - Thurswell was that of a lady who had won quite a literary aureole for her - silver hair owing to the accident of her being actually the original - “Cousin Amy” of Tennyson's “Locksley Hall.” For years she had worn this - honourable distinction, and, so far as I could gather, her title to it had - never been disputed. Even in the Cathedral Close of Broadminster the - tradition had been accepted, and she had been pointed out to strangers, - who doubtless looked at her with interest, saying, “Not really!” or “How - perfectly sweet!” - </p> - <p> - I ventured to ask the prebendary who had told me that the poet had been in - love with her and consequently “greatly cut up” when she married some one - else—as might be inferred from some passages in the poem—what - was the present age of the lady, and he assured me that she was - seventy-four. She did not look it, but she really was seventy-four. I had - not the heart to point out that twenty-three years had elapsed since - Tennyson published his sequel—“Sixty Years After”—to his - “Locksley Hall,” so that this “Cousin Amy” must be at least a centenarian - if she had not died, as described in the sequel, between eighty and ninety - years ago. She was, however, a nice old lady and her name was really Amy, - and she had known Alfred Tennyson when she had been very young and he a - middle-aged gentleman whom it was a great privilege to know. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER THREE—THE VILLAGE VILLAS - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I.—THE PILLARS OF SOCIETY - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HURSWELL IS - UNDOUBTEDLY AN IDeal English village situated in the midst of an - agricultural county, and far away from the unhealthy and demoralising - influences of trade. It prides itself on being “select”—so does - every other English village, even when it lies deep embowered among the - striking scenery of a coal-mining district. But Thurswell is really - “select.” A strange family may come to one of the best houses—one of - the four or five that have entrance gates with lodges and carriage drives—and - yet remain absolutely ignored by the older residents. Of course the - shopkeepers pay the newcomers some little attention, and the ladies who - collect for the various charities and the various churches are quite - polite in making early calls; but the question of calling formally and - leaving cards simply because the people are newcomers, requires to be - thoroughly threshed out before it is followed by any active movement on - the part of the senior residents. It has been called unsocial on this - account; but everybody in the world—at least, everybody in Thurswell—knows - that to be called unsocial is only another way of being called select The - Rector must pronounce an opinion on the strangers, and—more - important still—the Rector's wife. The example of the - Barnaby-Granges, who have lived for centuries at the Moated Manor House, - must be observed for what it is worth. It is understood that people like - the Barnaby-Granges may call upon strangers out of a sense of duty; but - every one knows how far astray from the path trod by the “select” a sense - of duty may lead one, so that the fact of the Manor House people having - called upon the newcomer is not invariably regarded as conferring upon the - latter the privilege of a passport to the most representative Society at - Thurswell. The strangers must wait until Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer have - decided whether they are to be called on or ignored. Mrs. Lingard is the - widow of a captain of Sappers, and Miss Mercer is the middle-aged daughter - of a previous rector, and for years these ladies have assumed the right of - veto in respect of the question of calling upon newcomers. Within the past - year, however, this question, it should be mentioned, has developed - certain complications, owing to the strained relations existing between - the two ladies. Previously they formed a sort of vigilance committee to - determine what should be done, but since the breaking off of diplomatic - relations between them the poor people who had previously looked to them - jointly for guidance are now compelled to consult them severally as to the - course they mean to pursue, and all this takes time, and the loss of time - in the etiquette of first calls may be construed into actual rudeness by - sensitive people. - </p> - <p> - That is how we stand at present; and although many well-meaning persons—not - invariably belonging to clerical circles—have endeavoured to bring - about a <i>rapprochement</i> for the good of the whole community between - Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer, hitherto every effort of the kind has - failed. - </p> - <p> - When the particulars of the incident that brought about the friction - between the two ladies are known, it will easily be understood that a - restoration of the <i>status quo ante</i> is not to be accomplished in a - moment. - </p> - <p> - It was all due to the exceptionally dry summer. People who retain only the - pleasantest recollections of that season of sunlight and balmy breezes - will probably find reason to modify their views respecting it when they - hear how it led to the shattering of an old friendship and, incidentally, - to the complication of the most important social question that can come - before such a community as is represented by Thurs-well. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - II.—THE SHATTERING OF THE PILLARS - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he facts of the - matter are simple enough in their way. Each of the ladies occupies a small - house of her own, fully, and not semi-detached, with a small patch of - green in front and a small garden at the back; but the combined needs of - front and back are not considered sufficiently great to take up all the - time of a gardener working six days in the week during the summer. There - is enough work, however, to take up three days of the six, with - window-cleaning thrown in, in slack seasons. As the conditions of labour - are identical in the case of the gardens of both ladies—only Miss - Mercer throws in the washing of her pug to balance Mrs. Lingard's - window-cleaning—John Bingham, the jobbing gardener of Thurswell, - suggested several years ago that he should divide his time between the two - gardens, and this plan, to all appearances, worked very satisfactorily in - regard to every one concerned. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0051.jpg" alt="0051 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0051.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - Only John Bingham was aware of the trouble involved in keeping both - gardens on precisely the same level of “getting on”—only John - Bingham was aware of the difficulty of preventing either of the ladies - from seeing that anything in the garden of the other was “getting on” - better than the same thing in her own patch. It might have been fancied - that as they were in complete agreement respecting the necessity for a - strict censorship upon the visiting lists of the neighbourhood as regards - strangers, there could not possibly exist any rivalry between them on so - insignificant a matter as the growth of a petunia or the campanile of a - campanula; but John Bingham knew better. It had been his task year by year - to minimise to the one lady his success with the garden of the other—to - say a word of disparagement on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays of all - that he had been praising on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays. But - sometimes Nature is stronger even than her greatest enemy, a jobbing - gardener, and so it was that when Mrs. Lingard chanced to pay a visit to - Miss Mercer on a Thursday, she found the garden of the latter, just - recovering from the hand of John Bingham's attention on the Monday, - Tuesday, and Wednesday, obviously superior in some respects to her own, - and John found his diplomatic resources quite unable to meet with the - demand for an explanation when she got home. It was in vain that he tried - to make her understand, what she certainly should have known already from - her experience of the ministrations of John—namely, that not he, but - the superior soil and aspect of Miss Mercer's herbaceous border, should be - regarded accountable for the marvellous growths which had attracted her - attention in the garden of her rival. His Thursday, Friday, and Saturday - patron declared herself far from satisfied with such an explanation. Soil! - Had she ever shown herself to be close-fisted in the matter of soil? she - inquired. And as for aspect—had he not chosen the aspect of the - herbaceous border at which he was now working? No, she knew very well, she - affirmed, that what made a garden beautiful was loving care. She professed - herself unable to understand why John should lavish all his affection upon - Miss Mercer's border rather than upon her own; all that she could do was - to judge by results, and, viewed from this basis, it could not but be - apparent to every unprejudiced observer that he had been giving Miss - Mercer's borders such loving touches as he had never bestowed upon her - own: the flowers spoke for themselves. - </p> - <p> - John had heard of the Language of Flowers, but he had never mastered the - elements of their speech. As a matter of fact, he took no interest in - flowers or their habits. He had “dratted” them times without number for - their failure to do all that the illustrated catalogues declared they - would do, and now he found reason to drat those of Miss Mercer for having - done much more than he had meant them to do. It was with a view to restore - the balance of mediocrity between the gardens, which had been through no - fault of his, disturbed by a sudden outbreak of “Blushing Brides” in Miss - Mercer's parterre, that he gave some extra waterings to Mrs. Lingard's - verbinas, trusting to convince her that he was a thoroughly disinterested - operator in both the gardens—which was certainly a fact. But in that - arid summer the response of the verbinas was but too rapid, and Miss - Mercer, calling upon her friend (and rival), was shown the bed with the - same pride that she had displayed when exhibiting her petunias. - </p> - <p> - She said nothing—the day was Saturday—but she perceived, with - that unerring intuition which in some persons almost takes the place of - genius, that petunias had been supplanted (literally) by verbinas in the - affections of John Bingham. - </p> - <p> - She spent the Sunday rehearsing an interview which she had arranged in her - mind to have with John Bingham when he should arrive the next day. - </p> - <p> - But Monday came, and John Bingham failed to arrive. She waited at the back - entrance to the garden until ten o'clock, but still he did not appear. - Then she sent a messenger to his cottage to inquire the cause of his - absence. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were her days for his services, - and never once had he failed her. She could not guess what was the matter. - She had always regarded him as a sober man and one for whom Monday morning - had no terrors. The mystery of his first failure was rendered all the more - unfathomable when the tweeny maid returned saying that Mrs. Bingham had - told her positive that John had gone out to work as usual that same - morning, and that Mrs. Bingham had taken it for granted that he was in - Miss Mercer's garden. - </p> - <p> - For a quarter of an hour Miss Mercer pondered over the whole incident, and - then she suddenly put on another hat, discarding the garden specimen with - which she had begun the day, and went down the road and round by the - Moated Manor House to where Mrs. Lingard's villa was situated, just beyond - the knoll of elms. The hall door was wide open to the morning air, and - through the glass door at the farther end of the hall she distinctly saw - Mrs. Lingard standing on the edge of one of the beds of the garden with - John Bingham kneeling at her feet. - </p> - <p> - And this on a Monday morning! - </p> - <p> - John Bingham had actually attended morning ser-vice in the church the day - before—Miss Mercer had seen him there—and yet on Monday he had - broken faith with her, and now, at ten-thirty, he was engaged in planting - out the contents of the capacious basket which Mrs. Lingard was doling out - to him. - </p> - <p> - And Mrs. Lingard was wearing her garden hat just as if the day was - Thursday, Friday, or Saturday, when she was entitled to his services. - </p> - <p> - And Mrs. Lingard had also been at church the previous day and had repeated - the responses in her ordinary tone of voice, and without faltering, though - beyond a doubt her heart had been full of this scheme of suborning a - faithful, if somewhat weak, servant from his allegiance to the mistress - who had an undisputed claim to his services the next day! - </p> - <p> - Without a moment's hesitation Miss Mercer passed into the hall, opened the - glass door beyond, and stood beside the guilty pair before either of them - was aware of her presence. She saw that the man was planting asters—the - finest aster cuttings she had ever seen. - </p> - <p> - “John Bingham, are you aware that this is Monday morning?” she said in an - accusing voice, and so suddenly that a cry of surprise—it may have - been with guilt—came from Mrs. Lingard, and John Bingham let drop - his trowel and wiped his forehead. - </p> - <p> - “Good gracious, Lucy! Where did you drop from without warning?” cried the - lady in the garden hat. - </p> - <p> - “I am addressing John Bingham, madam,” said Miss Mercer in icy tones. “And - once again I ask John Bingham what he means by being here when his place - should be in my garden.” - </p> - <p> - “I can easily explain, my good woman,” said Mrs. Lingard, lapsing, under - the “madam” of the other, into the tone of voice she had found effective - with the native servants in the West Indian island of St. Lucia when her - husband had been stationed there. - </p> - <p> - “I am not addressing you, madam,” said Miss Mercer hotly: her glacial - period had passed and had given place to the volcanic—the suppressed - volcanic. “I wish to be informed why this man—this traitor—this—this——” - </p> - <p> - “Don't be a greater fool than you are by nature, my good creature,” said - Mrs. Lingard. “But I might have known that you could be disagreeable over - even such a trifle as my sending to John Bingham to assist me for an hour - in planting out the asters which were only delivered this morning when - they should have been here on Saturday. If I had not begged him to come to - my help for a couple of hours the lot would have been spoiled. In justice - to him I will say that he was very unwilling to come.” - </p> - <p> - “And what does that mean, pray?” asked Miss Mercer sneeringly. - </p> - <p> - “It means that he knew you better than I did,” responded Mrs. Lingard. “He - has had more experience of your narrow-mindedness than I have had. Now, go - on with your work, John. Don't mind her.” - </p> - <p> - But John did not go on with his work. He touched his forehead with the - drooping aster that he held rather limply, saying, in the direction of - Miss Mercer—“I can easy make up the extra however, ma'am—mortal - easy, in the evenin', and so I thought or I wouldn't be here now.” - </p> - <p> - “There, let that satisfy you, make your mind easy; you'll not be defrauded - of the shilling for his two hours,” said Mrs. Lingard. - </p> - <p> - “You will be good enough to dictate to your inferiors, if such exist, - madam; you need not dictate to me. You may keep your John Bingham now that - you have him; I have made other arrangements for the future of my garden.” - </p> - <p> - She turned with a mock courtesy. Mrs. Lingard also turned. - </p> - <p> - “Lucy Mercer, go back to your—your—your hen-run,” she cried, - pointing dramatically to the place of exit. “Go on with your work, John - Bingham. Mrs. Hopewell will only be too glad to take on your Thursdays, - Fridays, and Saturdays. <i>She</i> has a garden—<i>a garden</i>.” - </p> - <p> - That is the true and circumstantial account of how Mrs. Lingard and Miss - Mercer ceased to be on speaking terms, and that is how it is that many - people are becoming more hopeful of the future of Thurswell as the centre - of a social neighbourhood. Each lady still arrogates to herself the right - of veto in respect of the claims of any strange family to be visited on - taking up their residence within reasonable visiting distance of - Thurswell; but the people who formerly had been ready to accept the dictum - of the two in such social matters are now beginning not only to assert - their own independence of action, but even to dictate to others on all - points on which they themselves had been dictated to—in no mild way—by - Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer. But a mistake that was recently made by one - of these immature dictators has done much to chasten their longing to take - up the responsibilities attached to such a position. She had spoken with - that definiteness which marks the amateur on the subject of the visiting - of a certain Mrs. Judson Hyphen Marks who had taken Higham Lodge for a - year, and accordingly quite a number of people left cards upon her. But - suddenly the name of Judson Hyphen Marks appeared rather prominently in - the columns devoted to the Law Court proceedings in the daily papers, and - some curious information respecting the <i>ménage</i> of the Judson Hyphen - Marks was brought under the notice of the people of Thurswell and, indeed, - of England generally; and those who had left cards upon them consulted - together as to whether it was possible or not for them to ask for their - cards to be returned to them. - </p> - <p> - The general opinion that prevailed after several long discussions on this - question was that no social machinery existed by which so desirable an - object might be effected, and no move was made in that direction; but ever - afterward the dictation of the feeble amateur who thought to take the - social reins out of the hands of Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer when it was - found that they were pulling them in opposite directions, threatening to - upset the social apple-cart, was received for what it was worth, not for - what it claimed to be worth. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - III.—FLOWERS AND FRIENDSHIPS - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he instance just - recorded of horticulture playing a prominent part in the breaking up of - friendships is by no means unique. When one comes to think of it, one - cannot be surprised that as the earliest serious quarrel recorded in the - history of the world was over a purely horticultural question—namely, - whether or not the qualities of beneficent nutrition attributed to a - certain fruit had been accurately analysed—there should be many - differences of opinion among the best of friends on the same subject. - </p> - <p> - It was my old gardener—not-the oldest of all, but the second oldest—who - told me how it was that the annual prize given by the Moated Manor House - people for the best floral display of the cottage order was very nearly - withdrawn for ever, owing to the bad blood that was made by the award, no - matter in what direction it was made. It seemed that the prize-winner - invariably found himself compelled to accept the challenge to fight of all - the disappointed aspirants to the prize, and before nightfall there was a - general distribution of black eyes and front teeth; in some cases both got - inextricably mixed up, and this was no pleasure to anybody, my informant - assured me, and the wives of the men who were keen to compete for the - prize discouraged them from it, with the warning that if they continued to - spend their time over the cultivation of the blooms they might some day - actually find themselves awarded the prize. That warning, founded as it - was upon sound sense and reason, was beginning to produce its effects upon - the better class of flower growers; but there were still a number of young - fellows who went into training at the punch ball at the Church Institute - club-room the day they sowed their flower seeds, and so were at the top of - their form when the award was made in the early autumn, so that if one of - them got the prize he thought if a pity that his training and practice at - the punch ball should be wasted, and thus he was ready to prove to all - disputants that the prize had gone to the best man; while it was only to - be expected that those who had only had the cold consolation of honorary - mention were only too ready to dispute his ability to maintain such an - attitude for any length of time. - </p> - <p> - The result of this joint cultivation of bulbs and biceps was not just what - the givers of the prize intended to achieve, and twice, when there had - been arrests and summonses to petty sessions, a formal warning was issued - to all whom it might concern that if the connection between the two - cultures were not severed, the prize, which was only meant for success in - the one, would be withdrawn. - </p> - <p> - Happily, however, it was not found necessary to enforce this ultimatum, - and a <i>modus vivendi,</i> founded upon one which had been understood to - work very satisfactorily in the case of the Chrysanthemum Society of - Mallingham, was adopted, and up to the present this had made for peace. - The annual Battle of Flowers at Thurswell has become a thing of the past, - and “Midge” Purcell, the ex-lightweight champion of the county, who rents - the Lion and Lamb Inn, and to whom the candidates for the prize applied - for advice on the biceps side of the joint contest, affirms with regret - that Englishmen are becoming degenerate. - </p> - <p> - It was a peace-loving florist at Mallingham, the honorary secretary to the - Chrysanthemum Society, who explained the system upon which his committee - had agreed to make their awards, and urged its adoption by the Thurswell - people. Its operation was not intricate. Its fundamental principle may - best be defined on the analogy of the rotation of crops as the rotation of - awards. Like the award of the Garter, merit had nothing to do with its - scheme. The prizes were awarded strictly in turn to the professional - competitors—the others did not matter. Mr. Johnson got the - chrysanthemum cup one year, Mr. Thompson the medal for the best twelve cut - lilies, Mr. Cardwell the Malmaison salver, and Mr. Prior the vase for the - best display of greenhouse ferns. The next year it was arranged that the - vase should go to Mr. Johnson, the salver to Mr. Thompson, and so forth. - By the adoption of this admirable plan the judges were saved a large - amount of trouble, and there never was any friction between the - competitors, for it was understood that if it was Prior's year for the - lily medal, but he had a liking for any other prize, he could nearly - always negotiate an exchange with the man whose turn had come for the - award that he fancied. This principle of give and take, live and let live, - had made the Mallingham Society one of the most popular floricultural - organisations in the country, and its adoption by the Thurswell Committee - of the Manor House prize brought about, as has been said, an entire - cessation of that ill-feeling which led to the use of language that was - certainly not the language of flowers, and to many-discreditable scenes - even when there were no arrests made. The cause of peace has triumphed, - though some people say that floriculture languishes through the lack of - heal thy rivalry; for when every man is certain of the prize when his turn - comes for it, he does not trouble about the flowers. There may be - something in this suggestion. - </p> - <p> - Taking one consideration with another, it really does seem a pity that the - rotation system is not more widely accepted by those societies which have - been established for the encouragement of sundry excellent objects, such - as the breeding of bull-dogs (for symbolic purposes), of pugs (of no use - to any one when they are bred), of pigs (of which the prize-winner is - invariably the most uneatable), and of pets (in various forms). In our - neighbourhood such organisations are to be numbered by the dozen, and - after every prize distribution the air is murmurous with the complaints of - disappointed competitors. It was a shrewd farmer who suggested to me the - principle on which the awards are made at our local dog show. “The reason - why there's so much grumbling, sir, is because the judges look at the - wrong end of the leash,” he said, and I understood what he meant. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0061.jpg" alt="0061 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0061.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - I know that the impression is very general that the pedigree of the - exhibitor rather than that of the exhibit influences the local judges. - </p> - <p> - But I must confess that I could not bring myself to sympathise with one of - our new residents who, after living in London all his life, bought Harley - Croft House, a 40 h.p. motor-car and six pairs of gaiters, and set up as a - country gentleman. It must be acknowledged that at times he looked a - colourable imitation of one. He hoped that his starting of the breeding of - cattle and fowl would consolidate his position. But his researches in the - literature of both subjects at the same time resulted in some confusion. - Of course his pointing out some drab-tinted cows to the steward of the - Manor and alluding to them definitely as Buff Orpingtons was a slip that - any one might make; but to hope to win sympathy for a wrong done to him by - the judges at the poultry show by affirming that his bantam cock was - really twice the size of the one to which the prize had been awarded was, - I think, a strategical mistake of a flagrant character. - </p> - <p> - Much more in the spirit of the country gentleman was the remark made to me - by a neighbour who hunts five days a week in winter and talks about - hunting seven days a week in the summer, on a purely literary subject. He - had been at the Military Tournament in London the year that <i>The - Merchant of Venice</i> was being played at Her Majesty's Theatre, and he - confided in me that he thought on the whole it was very fine indeed, - though for his part he enjoyed <i>The Runaway Girl</i> at the Gaiety more - fully. He could not quite understand the point of some of the jokes in <i>The - Merchant of Venice</i>, he said. For instance, he should like to know what - there was to laugh at in the chap's saying to the Jew that some one had - shown him a turquoise which he had bought from the Jew's daughter for a - monkey. Any one who knew anything about precious stones knew that to pay a - monkey for a single turquoise, even though set in an 18-carat ring, was to - pay a fair price. Of course you couldn't get much of a diamond ring for - twenty-five pounds; but you could get a first-rate turquoise for half the - money. But there were some people, he knew, who would laugh at any joke if - they were only told it was in a play of Shakespeare's. I agreed with him, - and laughed. - </p> - <p> - That was not the sort of man who would make a fool of himself over Buff - Orpingtons or cherish his bantams in proportion to their size and weight. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER FOUR—THE COMEDIES OF THE COUNTRY HOUSE - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I.—LESSEES FROM THE MIDLANDS - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>T WAS THE - REPRESENTATIVE OF THE second generation of one of the shirt-sleeves - families of the midlands who took a lease of Nethershire Castle, the - finest mansion in our neighbourhood. The Court of Chancery had decreed - that it might be let for a term of years, the length of which was fixed by - certain Commissioners in Lunacy, for Sir Ralph Richards had been in the - care of a specialist in mental diseases for a long time, and it was - understood that there were little hopes of his ever being able to enjoy - his own again. Higgins was the name of the lessee from the north, and with - his wife and family he had occupied the Castle for close upon ten years. - He was a simple enough man as regards his tastes: he could not appreciate - the beauty of the cedar wood ceiling of the banqueting hall or the - Renaissance carved panels of the library. The splendid Gainsboroughs and - Romneys of the Long Gallery made no more appeal to him than did the Van - Dycks in the great hall or the three Fragonards of the drawing-room. He - was quite satisfied with the reputation of having sufficient money to pay - for the privilege of living in the midst of these masterpieces and of - keeping about an acre and a half of roof in good repair: he knew more - about the advantages of close-fitting slates than of the methods of - eighteenth-century English artists or of fifteenth-century Italian - carvers. - </p> - <p> - His wife, however, valued to the full the artistic privileges of living in - so splendid a house, and she was not one to shrink before the searching - glances of Frances Anne, the wife of the first baronet of the house of - Richards, as painted by Sir Joshua, sacrificing to Venus, or to assume - that Lady Elizabeth had turned aside from making a libation to Hymen—Hymen - demanded quite as many sacrifices as Venus on eighteenth-century canvases—to - ask her what right she had to sit in the seats of the Richards of - Nethershire Castle. She knew what her husband paid in the way of rent, and - she felt that the same was large enough to avert from her any indignant - look that a sentimentalist might imagine on the face of the most - malevolent family portrait. In fact, Mrs. Higgins considered the sum large - enough to allow of her assuming the attitude of the patroness in regard to - the pictures: she had actually been heard by a friend of the Richards to - express a critical opinion respecting the pose of the daughter of the - second baronet—the one who became well known as the Countess of - Avonwater—in Romney's picture of her as Circe, and to suggest that - the charger of Lieut.-Colonel Jack Churchill Richards—he was called - after his father's great commander—in the picture by Sir Godfrey - Kneller was scarcely large enough to make a polo pony. It was, however, - clearly understood that these criticisms were offered by the lady only by - way of establishing her rights over the contents of the mansion so long as - her husband paid so handsomely as he did for the privilege of such an - entourage. She had probably heard of certain rights-of-way being - maintained by a formal walking over the ground to which they referred, by - the claimant, once a year, and so she thought it well to walk over the - pictures, so to speak, now and again to show that she understood the - rights of her position. She really felt the greatest pride in everything, - and in the course of a few years her feeling in regard to them was that of - a conscientious descendant from illustrious ancestors. She was much - prouder of them than the modern Major-General in <i>Patience</i> was of - his ancestors acquired by purchase. - </p> - <p> - A visit that I paid to the Castle in the temporary possession of the - family of Higgins was illuminating. I went not because I had ever met - either Mr. or Mrs. Higgins, but because I was acquainted with Miss - Richards, a charming old lady who was the sister of the unhappy baronet, - and had been born in the Castle and lived there for twenty-five or thirty - years, only leaving for the dower-house on the death of her mother. - </p> - <p> - Miss Richards was on the friendliest terms with the tenants of her old - home, and I could see that they were pleased to welcome all the friends - whom she might bring with her to see the wonders of the Castle. But it was - Mrs. Higgins who “did the honours” of the picture gallery, when we went - thitherward after tea one lovely afternoon in sum mer shortly after I had - come to Thurswell. It was Mrs. Higgins who assumed the rôle of Cicerone - and told me all about the pictures, and gave me duodecimo biographies of - the originals with all the familiarity that one would expect only from a - member of the family. Miss Richards stood by smiling quite pleasantly, - even when Mrs. Higgins looked at her, saying something about a pink-coated - Captain Richards by Raeburn, and I was disposed to laugh at the comedy of - Mrs. Higgins of Lancashire telling Miss Richards of Nethershire something - confidential about Captain Richards, her great-granduncle! - </p> - <p> - I admired the picture, but not nearly so much as I did the coolness of - Mrs. Higgins and the kindly toleration of Miss Richards. - </p> - <p> - “And this is the portrait by Thornhill of Miss Esther Richards, who - afterwards married General Forster, who took part in the American War, and - to avenge the murder of poor André—he called it murder, though, of - course, some people think that André was really a spy,” said Mrs. Higgins. - “Doesn't it seem strange to think of that sweet little girl-” - </p> - <p> - “Oh, pardon me,” cried Miss Richards, “you are not quite right. That is - Lotitia Richards by North-cote. She married Sir Charles Brewster, who was - killed at Waterloo.” - </p> - <p> - “Oh no,” said the tenant, “you are quite wrong. I assure you that this is - Esther. Your Lotitia is the girl in Oriental costume in the library.” - </p> - <p> - “My dear Mrs. Higgins, how could I possibly be mistaken over such a - matter?” said Miss Richards. “My dear mother told me how Letty Brewster - came here one day when she was eighty-two years of age, and how pathetic - it was to see her stand before her own picture done when a girl; but my - mother said that really some of the charm of the picture—she had - lovely eyes, as you can see—was apparent on the face of the dear old - lady of eighty-two.” - </p> - <p> - “I am afraid that you are mixing this picture with another,” said Mrs. - Higgins quite good-naturedly. - </p> - <p> - And then Miss Richards gave a laugh. - </p> - <p> - “We had better pass this picture and look at one which could not possibly - be mixed up with another,” she said. “I hope you will agree with me in - believing that this is Hoppner's Lady Charlotte Richards, Mrs. Higgins.” - </p> - <p> - “Oh yes, you are quite right about <i>that one</i>,” said Mrs. Higgins as - graciously as a governess commending the right answer given by an errant - pupil. “Oh yes, that is Lady Charlotte. I believe she became pious and - wrote a hymn. You have heard that, I suppose, Miss Richards?” - </p> - <p> - “I do believe I did,” replied Miss Richards. “In fact, I have the tiny - volume of hymns which she wrote. She was under the influence of Lady - Huntingdon.” - </p> - <p> - But Mrs. Higgins clearly took very little interest in Lady Huntingdon, and - she went down the gallery making mistake after mistake; but Miss Richards - never attempted to correct her—only once she caught my eye. Mrs. - Higgins had attributed the Master Richards of Lawrence to Sir Peter Lely! - </p> - <p> - We were far away from the Castle before we had our laugh. - </p> - <p> - “Wasn't it really funny?” said Miss Richards. - </p> - <p> - “I think that you must be the most even-tempered person in the county, if - not in all England,” said I. - </p> - <p> - The friendly relations existing between the two ladies were not at all - changed by the persistent patronage of the picture gallery by the one who - was the tenant, and Mrs. Higgins was always ready to offer a hearty - welcome to any of Miss Richards' friends and to do the honours of the - Castle. I did not, however, trespass upon her hospitality a second time. - </p> - <p> - A year or two later I met a curious sort of gentleman who bore the same - name as that of a family of considerable importance—county - importance, I should say, for outside a ten-mile radius they are, as is - usually the case, absolute nonentities. I had heard some say, however, - that the family grounds included a rather wonderful fountain which I - thought I should like to see. I asked the man if he was any relation to - the family, and he replied, brightening up wonderfully, that they were his - cousins. - </p> - <p> - “I believe they have a nice place,” said I. “Isn't there a fountain that - came from the Villa Borghese? I am greatly interested in that sort of - thing.” - </p> - <p> - “You must mean the one with the mermaids,” said he. - </p> - <p> - “I dare say that is the one,” said I. - </p> - <p> - “If you go in for things like that you should certainly see it,” he cried. - “Let me see how I can manage it.” - </p> - <p> - “You are very kind,” said I. “But I could not think of bothering you in - the matter. I dare say that some day I shall have a chance——” - </p> - <p> - “I have it,” he cried. “The family are going away for a fortnight at - Easter, and when they are gone I could easily show you over the grounds. - I'll just make sure of the day they leave, so that there may be no - mistake.” - </p> - <p> - In spite of a promise of such lavish hospitality, I resisted the - temptation of being shown over the grounds in the way that was proposed: - the fact being that I had no confidence in my own ability to act the part - of the housekeeper's nephew or the second footman's uncle who are admitted - to the great house when the family are away. - </p> - <p> - I trust, however, that I convinced the enterprising cousin of the great - house that I fully appreciated his spirited offer to allow me a peep at - the Borghese fountain through a chink in the back door, as it were. - </p> - <p> - I learned subsequently that the great family started in a tannery in - Mallingham a hundred and twenty years ago. It was no wonder that any one - in my station of life could only be expected to approach their demesne by - a back way. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - II.—THE LEGENDS OF THE COUNTRY HOUSE - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>n the subject of - great houses, I may venture to say, it has always seemed to me to show a - singular lack of imagination on the part of some one that one legend - should be forced to do duty for so large a group, and this legend so - devoid of any stimulating quality. It seems to me that the legends of the - country houses of England are, like all Gaul, divided into three parts. - All through the south one is shown the room in the mansion in which Queen - Elizabeth slept. There is scarcely a Tudor house in which that particular - monarch did not sleep for at least one night of her life, and so highly - cherished is this family tradition that I have known of cases in which she - slept in a room at least sixty years before the mansion itself was built. - Then around London one is constantly pointed out by local antiquaries the - house in which Nell Gwyn lived. “Madam Ellen” certainly seemed given to - “flitting.” A dozen houses at least are associated with her name. North of - the Tweed we are confronted with the Mary Queen of Scots and the Bonnie - Prince Charlie legends. Any story that fails to touch upon the vague - history of the worthies whom I have ventured to name as presiding over - each department of tradition, seems to be regarded as uninteresting. - Although monarchs of quite as blessed memory as Queen Elizabeth must have - slept in many mansions in their time, yet few rooms are consecrated to the - memory of their slumbers, and although many ladies of the Court were quite - as deserving of having their memory enshrined or ensign-ed in the name of - a fully licensed public-house as Evelyn's “Impudent Comedian,” yet none - seem to be regarded as so good a draw as Nell Gwyn. The chairs of Mary - Queen of Scots are as plentiful as the mementoes of the other Stuart - worthies. I myself have seen in a mansion an Italian cabinet which I was - assured had belonged to Queen Mary. But when I asked for evidence on this - point I found that there was none forthcoming. I did not get so far as to - make such an inquiry in the case of a mahogany looking-glass offered to me - by a foolish dealer south of the Tweed, who declared that it had been in - the possession of the same unfortunate lady. It was not to me, however, - that another dealer tried to sell a dagger that had once been worn by the - Young Pretender, the proof of its authenticity being displayed in the - roughly cut initials “Y.P.,” evidently the work of Bonnie Prince Charlie - himself, on the leather sheath. - </p> - <p> - Generally speaking, I think it may be assumed that no monarch ever slept - in a room that was not built until he had been dead for a hundred years. - Fifty years should be accepted as the minimum for such an incident. And - the probabilities are that no relic of even the most easy-going sovereign - should be accepted as authentic that was not made within at least ten - years from the date of his or her death. - </p> - <p> - As for the legends of the member of the family who was known as “the - wicked lord” or “Black Sir Ughtred,” there is a tiresome sameness about - them all, and most of them should be treated as overworn coins and called - in. For instance, there is the story of the dreadfully wicked man of - property—his portrait is usually in a panel over the fireplace in - the hall—who provoked a neighbour of whom he was jealous to fight a - duel with him after dinner one afternoon. They used pistols, taking aim - across the table that bore the decanters and wineglasses, and the wicked - gentleman shot his friend through the heart, but escaped the consequences - of the fell deed by inducing his companions to announce to the world that - the man had died simply of heart failure. The story is plausible enough, - if you assume that the coroner and the sheriff and all the other - authorities were three-bottle men, and it is easy to suppose that in the - early eighteenth century such high officials might be so described; but - there is no necessity to wind up the story by showing the visitor the mark - that the bullet made in the linen-fold wainscoting of the dining-room. You - see, that striking evidence of the scrupulous accuracy of the story makes - it essential for you to believe that the fatal bullet passed through the - worthy gentleman's heart and slued round his backbone before lodging in - the woodwork behind him, and this is asking too much. - </p> - <p> - I do not suppose that there is a Parliamentary Division of any county in - England that does not contain a mansion with a room in which this duel was - fought. Upon one occasion I visited a lesser country house where I - happened to know a duel had been fought in the dining-room in the - eighteenth century. I did not venture to inquire of the owner if he had - heard of that tragic incident: I did not believe that he had; but when I - was examining a very spurious picture attributed to Canaletto, after - admiring a dexterous forgery of a rocky landscape by Salvator Rosa, he - drew my attention to a portrait of a “black-avised” gentleman in a wig, - and the story of the historical duel came out at once. - </p> - <p> - “I must show you the panel in the dining-room that was splintered by the - bullet,” said my host; and though I did not insist, he kept his word. - </p> - <p> - “It is said,” he continued, when I was looking at the imperfect woodwork, - “that the fellow was so stricken with remorse that he would never allow - the panel to be repaired, in order that he might be constantly reminded of - his deed; and it's a tradition in our family that it is never to be - repaired, so there it is to-day.” - </p> - <p> - I did not make myself objectionable to the family by assuring them that - they might send for the carpenter any time they pleased without offending - the shades of their ancestors, for it so happened that that particular - duel was fought with swords and not with pistols. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - III.—FATE OF THE FAMILY PORTRAITS - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>n connection with - family traditions and family portraits there are bound to be some grimly - humorous episodes with the lapse of time, owing to the exactions of those - Chancellors of the Exchequer who have held office since the creation of - the Death Duties, as they are called. When a man with no ready money of - his own inherits an estate that has not paid its expenses for many years, - and a splendid mansion containing about fifty pictures, which, according - to the most recent auction-room prices, may be worth from £100,000 to - £150,000—people at picture sales think in pounds and bid in guineas—the - question that at once presents itself is how to meet the demands of - Somerset House. The fortunate heir, without a penny in his pocket, is - called on to hand over from £10,000 to £15,000, according to his - relationship to the late owner, and he wonders how he is to do it. In some - cases that have come under my notice the only feasible way out of the - difficulty has been taken, and some of the pictures have been sold in - order to pay for the privilege of retaining the others. In the case of - some historical mansions, however, every picture in the gallery is - perfectly well known to the world, and the heir has a good many more - qualms about selling any of them than Charles Surface had about disposing - of his collection, with the exception of “the little ill-looking fellow - over the settee.” He feels—if he is capable of any feeling at all—that - he is selling his own flesh and blood, and he always wonders what people - will say when they come to visit the historical house and find blank - panels in which, for perhaps two or three hundred years, stately figures - of men and graceful figures of women had appeared. - </p> - <p> - What is he to do in such circumstances, while he is thinking his thoughts - on a settee in the hall, and the Chancellor of the Exchequer is pulling - away like mad at the wrought-iron bell handle outside and telling the - butler that his instructions are not to leave the place until his bill is - paid? - </p> - <p> - It seems that there is only one way by which the honour of the family can - be preserved. There are trusty agents who can negotiate for an immediate - and a secret sale of certain of the pictures. These are taken out of their - frames or out of their panels, copies are made and put where the originals - had been for years, and when the latter are passed on to New York or - Chicago, unsuspecting lovers of Art stand beneath copies in admiration of - the power of the Masters! - </p> - <p> - That is how the honour of the great family remains untarnished, while the - Chancellor of the Exchequer strikes a match on one of the stone columns of - the porch, lights his cigarette, and goes jauntily down the avenue with a - large cheque in his breast-pocket. - </p> - <p> - All very well this for the time being; but a little comedy may possibly - take place some years later, when once again Death Duties have to be paid, - and probably at an increased rate per cent. No note may have been made of - the pictures that were sold, and the copies have been subjected to the - admiration of visitors without a misgiving. There are, I happen to know, - copyists of Sir Joshua Reynolds and others of Thomas Gainsborough, Romney, - Raeburn, Lawrence, and the rest, of such skill in reproducing the style of - their particular Master that only the cleverest connoisseur could say, - after the lapse of a year or two, which are the originals and which the - copies. How, then, is a valuation to be made when the new owner enters - upon his inheritance? - </p> - <p> - I fancy that it will be discovered Masters than were suspected of it had - made replicas of their greatest works, and shipped off one to Chicago - while selling the other to the great English families who gave them the - order a hundred years or so ago. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER FIVE—THE COUNTY, OLD AND CRUSTED - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I.—THE STRANGERS - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>HEN THE LATE MR. - W. P. FRITH WAS AT the height of his fame, and engravings of his “Derby - Day” and “The Railway Station” contested for prominence on the flowery - flock-papered walls of many drawing-rooms with Landseers “Monarch of the - Glen,” he went to pay a visit to his daughter in a southern county, and - she has placed it on record that when she mentioned his name to the - leaders of Society in various localities it conveyed nothing to them. - </p> - <p> - Why should it convey anything to them? He did nothing but paint all his - life. Fame in painting, in music, in writing, means nothing—in many - cases rather less than nothing—to the society of any English county. - If the man had brought down a couple of hunters and gone out three times a - week to hounds, the people in his division of the county would talk to you - of him and look on you with astonishment if his name conveyed nothing to - you; and the wife of a retired country doctor who takes up what is known - as Church work—organising village teas and village concerts and - Sunday “Unions”—is at once accorded a position that counts as fame - in such communities in England. - </p> - <p> - But if it were not for observing these features in country life nothing of - its lighter side would be apparent. There is nothing so comical as a - picture in which all the laws of perspective are ignored; and living in a - country town in England is like placing oneself in the position of the man - in Edgar Allan Poe's story who, looking out of his window, saw an immense - and hideous monster—a thing with splay feet and a huge proboscis—stalking - with mighty steps across a distant lawn, and was greatly perturbed until - he discovered that the creature was only an ordinary sort of spider - walking across one of the strands of its web, which was drawn across the - window pane. - </p> - <p> - Every day one may have experience of people living in the midst of such - distorted perspective—fancying that the commonplace insects that - move before them are creatures of enormous proportions and importance, and - quite as frequently assuming that because an object appears small to them, - being far away from them, it is quite insignificant. If one cannot find - humour in observing the attitude of people who ignore the conditions of - perspective in this way, one must be stolid indeed. - </p> - <p> - A typical inhabitant complained to me very bitterly some time ago of - having just discharged a very thankless duty in respect of a stranger who, - at the instigation of his brother—a London barrister of some repute—had - called upon him in motoring through the county. He admitted that the - stranger was a nice enough sort of man, but wholly devoid of appreciation - of the relative importance of the persons whose houses were pointed out to - him from the summit of the old castle which the stranger had been anxious - to visit. - </p> - <p> - “I showed him Lord Riverland's place—as much of it as we could see - through the trees—but all he said was, 'Who is Lord Riverland?'” - continued the man, pouring his complaint into my ear. “And then I told him - that just beyond Eglam Church was the Shillingdales' place. 'Funny name, - Shillingdale!' was all that he remarked; but when we were leaving the - castle he saw the gable of Maxfield's house sticking out, and he took a - fancy to that tumbledown place and asked who lived there. I told him. - 'Maxfield,' he said. 'Not Laurence Maxfield, I suppose?' I said that I - believed his name was Laurence. 'What! Laurence Max-field, the painter?' - Yes, I said, I heard he was something in that line. Well, you should have - seen his face at that. 'How can I ever thank you sufficiently for pointing - out that house to me?' he cried. And when we got down to the road he kept - hovering about that place, and once he said, 'What kind fate led me here - to-day? And yet I might have gone away without so much as glancing at the - house of Laurence Max-field!' Now, is it any wonder that I almost lost my - temper? I had pointed out to the fellow Riverland Park and Shillingdale - Hall, and yet I don't believe he ever heard of Lord Riverland, or knew - that Captain Shillingdale had been made a D.L. for the county! But he - almost became maudlin over the two old cottages that Maxfield knocked into - one! A painter! The idea of making a fuss over a painter!” - </p> - <p> - “You forget that the man was a total stranger to our neighbourhood,” said - I. “You must make allowances: he knew no better.” - </p> - <p> - He said he supposed the fellow really did know no better; and I am - convinced that in his own way he abused his visitor to his wife for the - man's deplorable lack of all sense of proportion, to ignore the privilege - of having a distant view of the mansion of a deputy-lieutenant of an - English county and feasting his eyes on the cottage of a painter! - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - II.—THE INSECT AND THE MAMMOTH - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> more amusing - example still of the insect being taken for the mammoth was given to me by - the person whose mammoth-like proportions (intellectually) were neglected - because all eyes were directed upon the passage of an insignificant local - insect across the line of vision. - </p> - <p> - He was a literary man whose name is known and respected in every part of - the world—not merely in that narrow republic known as the world of - letters. He was staying for a week at the house of a friend, when a lady, - who was getting up a charity concert at Ringdon, calling at the house one - day, and being told in a whisper by one of the daughters of the family - when walking through the garden that they had a celebrity with them, - entreated him to “do” something for the entertainment of her audience: she - didn't mind what it might be that he would do, if he only agreed to do - something. - </p> - <p> - Now it so happened that the lady had a more potent qualification than - persistence in making an appeal to a man—she was extremely - good-looking—and the man could not resist her importunity. He - pro-mised to tell some short stories at the concert, and, in accordance - with the terms of his promise, he turned up in the schoolhouse where the - concert was to take place, supported by his host and two of the family. - But the charming lady had not mentioned the fact that the entertainment - was to supplement a parochial tea, and when they arrived this part of the - programme was scarcely over. There were no printed programmes; only the - clergyman who presided had before him a list of the performers and the - nature of their performances, and he at once called upon a young woman who - played very prettily on the piano. A young man, who professionally was the - assistant to the Ringdon baker, was then called upon to sing the “Death of - Nelson,” which he did without faltering. When the applause had died away - the clergyman rose from his chair and said— - </p> - <p> - “My dear friends, we have with us this evening a gentleman who has very - kindly consented to contribute to our entertainment. He is a gentleman - with whose name you will all be familiar. Were he not present I should - like to refer more particularly to his honourable career; for in his - presence I feel that it would not be good taste to do so, and, besides, he - is so modest that I know he would be set blushing even though I were only - to say one-half of all that was his due. My dear friends, I call upon you - to give a hearty welcome to Mr. Reuben Robinson, who has come all the way - from Netherham to give you his entertainment familiar to you all, I am - sure, under the title of 'Charlie and Charlotte.'” - </p> - <p> - The amateur ventriloquist went on the platform with his horrid puppets, - and the young people cheered him for several minutes. - </p> - <p> - Later in the evening the clergyman, without any preliminary discourse, - called upon the literary celebrity to tell his stories. Now throughout the - world this writer is known as Alec Bidford, and now for the first time in - his life he heard himself alluded to as Alexander Bedford; and it became - clear to him that the good clergyman had never heard his name before! - </p> - <p> - Happily the victim of the beautiful lady's importunity has a keen sense of - humour, as any one who goes farther than the parson did, and reads one of - his books, will not need to be told, and I have never heard him more - humorous than when he refers to his selfconsciousness while the clergyman - was dealing with the fame achieved by—Mr. Reuben Robinson, the - amateur ventriloquist, who had come all the way miles from the village of - Netherham, where he sold bacon in the daytime. I do not know what Alec - Bid-ford's opinion is, but I do know that there are some people who - believe that this sort of discipline is good for one, whether one may be a - literary celebrity or some lesser personage. An appearance in a Court of - Law usually serves the same purpose; but it must be more than irritating - to a man whose name is known to and honoured by every member of his own - profession to be treated in the court with no more consideration than is - extended to the merest nonentity. The judge professes never to have heard - his name mentioned before, and, if he has been a witness, refers to his - evidence without thinking it necessary to give him the ordinary prefix of - “Mr.” I have seen six of the most distinguished literary men in England—popular - men, too, as well as geniuses—give evidence in a Court of Law, and - yet the calling out of name after name did not cause even one of the - solicitors' clerks to raise his head from the paper which he was reading, - and the jurymen chatted together without being in the smallest degree - impressed by the prospect of hearing the great one's voice. - </p> - <p> - This also is discipline, I suppose. At any rate, it suggests that a - provincial town is not the only place where a sense of proportion is - lacking. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER SIX—THE OLD COUNTY TOWN - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I.—IN THE HIGH STREET - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>F OUR THURSWELL IS - A TYPICAL English village, assuredly Mallingham is a typical country town, - only inclining to the picturesque side rather than the sordid. Like most - picturesque towns, it is more highly appreciated by strangers than by its - own inhabitants. Its one long street crawls along a ridge of the Downs, - and from the lower level of the road that skirts this ridge and meanders - among fat farms and luscious meadows, with an old Norman church here and - there embowered in immemorial elms and granges mentioned in <i>Domesday - Book</i>, steep lanes of old houses climb to the business street. It is - really impossible to reach the town without a climb of some sort; and this - fact, which made the site an ideal one, from the standpoint of the - mediaeval founders of its walls and gates, remnants of which may yet be - discovered by any one searching for them in a true archaeological spirit, - causes a good deal of grumbling among the residents on both levels, who - have to face many climbs in the course of an ordinary day's work. But - motoring strangers, who pass through the town by the hundred every day, - travelling between the two fashionable coast resorts, glance down the - narrow lanes and say, “How simply lovely!” or “Doesn't it remind you of - Nuremberg?” Perhaps it does remind them of Nuremberg—I have known - people who affected to be reminded of Sorrento at Brighton—but for - my part Mallingham only reminds me of an English country town, the - convenient centre for a ten-mile area of villages. Enough business is done - in its properly called High Street to allow of two banks keeping their - doors open, and of half a dozen shopkeepers making modest fortunes in the - course of a hundred years or so, and retiring from their half-timbered - places of business to the avenue of red brick villas with well fires and - radiators which an enterprising “developer” of one of the manors perceived - to be a long-felt want. But the shops go on from generation to generation - with the old names over the front, and in many cases with the family of - the new generation living on the premises in the good old way. Only in - this sense, however, may the tradesmen be said to be “above their - business”; there is not the least disposition on the part of any of them - to appear anything beyond what they are, for the simple reason that they - do not think that the world holds anything better than a Mallingham - tradesman. And, indeed, I am not sure that the world holds anything less - ambitious. The aspirations of most of them do not go beyond the acquiring - of a plate-glass frontage. Occasionally this dream literally crystallises, - and when the crates are known to be actually awaiting delivery at the - Goods Station, the “consignee” of the waybill is pointed out to strangers - by the simple casement shopkeepers with bated breath and an occasional - break in the voice. It is understood that the plate-glass front can only - be achieved by a limited number of traders, and for years it was accounted - a gross piece of presumption for any one whose lineage as a shopkeeper - could not be traced through at least three generations of bill-heads to - make a move in the direction of a “front”; but just before last Christmas - a bolt from the blue fell upon the astonished town, for the two demure old - ladies who kept a small millinery shop (with gloves and table linen at the - farther end) put up bills on their small latticed window announcing a - cheap sale in consequence of “impending alterations.” Now that particular - shop front had remained unchanged for certainly a hundred and fifty years—perhaps - two hundred and fifty years—and the two old maiden ladies who had - looked after it for close upon half a century seemed the most conservative - of persons, so it was taken for granted that the alterations which were - “impending” had reference only to the affixing of a new sun-blind in good - time for the summer, or perhaps an outside lamp to make the winter nights - more cheerful. - </p> - <p> - After a considerable amount of discussion on the subject an informal - deputation waited upon the ladies to obtain information on a matter which, - it was understood, affected the well-being of the whole community, and - which was approaching a stage when a specific pronouncement one way or - another was absolutely necessary. - </p> - <p> - Then it was that the truth was revealed. The maiden ladies had, they - confessed, been surreptitiously discussing the putting in of a plate-glass - front, and they had come to the conclusion that as they were both old and - life at best was uncertain, they should not any longer procrastinate the - carrying out of a scheme which the growth of the town and its increasing - importance fully warranted, they thought. - </p> - <p> - It took just four days to fix the new front in its place; but it was the - topic of the town for months, and even now you will see an occasional - group of town people discussing the innovation and wondering what things - are coming to. - </p> - <p> - The dimensions of the topic were, as I ascertained for my own - satisfaction, nine feet broad by seven feet high. This was the <i>premier - pas</i>. It led to the extravagance of a sunk letter sign, picked out in - gold, an outside lamp, and a spring sun-blind, all of the most - conventional pattern, and all to my mind in the condition of the “party in - a parlour” in the Wordsworth parody. In short, a charming old house with - many features of interest was transformed into a foolish hybrid thing—a - single sheet of plate-glass on the ground floor, beneath two pairs of - small cottage casements with delightful stone eaves. So prosperity turns - out the picturesque or, at least, relegates it to the basement, and so a - street with all the charm of past centuries clinging to it is fast - becoming commonplace, and strangers driving through it laugh at the feeble - attempts to give the commercial air of Harrods to a row of cottages—about - as sensible a proceeding as it would be to attempt to assimilate the - façade of Hampton Court with that of Hampton's in Pall Mall. - </p> - <p> - Happily there are still some sixteenth-century eaves left and also some - eighteenth-century bow windows—the gentle curved bow of the - eighteenth century, not the detestable obtuse-angle things of the - mid-nineteenth—and happily the spirit of commercial enterprise does - not pervade the entire community. Several of the houses that have been - turned into shops contain admirable chimneypieces and panelled rooms, with - an occasional fire-back and basket grate. It seems, too, that there must - have lived in the place a century or so ago a master workman with a great - fancy for decorating chimneypieces after the style of Adam; for in many of - the rooms of sixteenth-century houses may be found quite good examples of - the early style of Robert Adam. In one house there is a fine parlour - decorated throughout in this way. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - II.—PRECIOUS PANELLING - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>ome time ago a - mason, while doing some repairs in a room in a very old timbered house, - disclosed some oak panelling which probably belonged to the sixteenth - century. The news of the discovery went abroad, and a collector of - “antiques” in the neighbourhood bought the woodwork for a hundred pounds—far - more than it was worth, of course, but that is nothing; the effect of the - find and of the sale was disastrous to the occupants of other old houses, - for they forthwith summoned masons and carpenters and began pulling down - their walls, feeling sure that a hundred pounds' worth of panelling was - within their reach. They were all disappointed; for several years had - passed before the landlord of the chief hotel—it had once been the - county town house of a great local family—found behind the battens - which served as the stretchers of the canvas that bore some very common - paper in his coffee-room, a long range of oak wainscoting covered with - paint. The usual local antiquary made his appearance, and through dilating - upon its beauty and abusing the vandalism that had spread those coats of - paint upon the oak, induced the landlord to give the order to have the - panels “stripped” and made good. He little knew what he had let himself in - for! The carpenters and the painters attacked the room with spirit (of - turpentine), and for weeks it remained in their hands; for it was found - that at least twenty coats of paint were upon the woodwork, and that a - great portion of it was only held together by the paint, so that with the - removal of this binding medium the panels became splinters. - </p> - <p> - Before the end of a profitless six weeks the good landlord was wishing - with all his heart that that relic of a bygone period had been allowed to - rest comfortably buried beneath the papered canvas that had entombed it - all. The bill that he had to pay for the restoration was for such a sum as - would have been sufficient to buy the same quantity of absolutely new - panelling, he explained to some people to whom he went for sympathy! He - laid great stress upon the fact that he could actually have got new - panelling for the price of repairing the old! - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0103.jpg" alt="0103 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0103.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - And this was the spirit in which a far-seeing but non-antiquarian lady, - who lived in another ancient house in the same street, received the - liberal offer of a gentleman from the United States who had taken a fancy - to her oak staircase. It was a commonplace type and might be found by the - dozen in any old town; but he told her that he would pay her a hundred - pounds for it, and she jumped at his offer. The staircase was carted away - and a new one of serviceable deal, absolutely fresh from the carpenter's - shop, was put in its place. - </p> - <p> - Her example induced a relation of hers—also a maiden approaching the - venerable stage—to sell the panelling of one room, the fireplace of - another, the Georgian pillared cupboards of a third, and actually the old - black and white slabs of the square hall. Hearing of all this selling - going on, an enthusiast made her an offer for the pillared porch of the - house, and another for the leaden cistern on the roof and the copper - rain-water head. Last of all, a man who was building a house in imitation - of the old in the neighbourhood set covetous eyes upon her twisted - chimney-pots and some peculiar coping tiles on the roof. She accepted - every offer—with modifications; but when she had fulfilled her part - of the business she found herself a solitary figure amid the ruin of a - nice house, but with a nice little sum in her pocket. It was at this - juncture that an enterprising tradesman from Brindlington, who was on the - look out for “branches,” came upon the half-dismantled house. Thinking - that it was about to be pulled down, he made inquiries about it, and these - he considered so satisfactory that he bought, at a good price, all that - the previous speculators had left of it, completed their work of - demolition, and within six months had erected upon the site some - “desirable business premises” in the cheapest red brick, with an - inconceivable broad expanse of plate-glass which he called somebody's - “Co-operative Stores.” He had co-operated with so many people in carrying - out the work of destruction in regard to the old premises, it seemed only - fit that the same principle should be maintained in their reconstruction. - The place is only a branch establishment, but it is said to be flourishing - as well as the parent tree. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - III.—THE AMENITIES OF THE HIGH STREET - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">E</span>very here and - there between the shops in the High Street is a house that has survived - the request—it never amounts to a demand in Mallingham—for - “business premises.” Quite unpretentious is the appearance of all these - houses, but the front door opens upon a hall that is a hall, and not a - mere passage to a narrow staircase. Admirably proportioned rooms are to be - found on every floor, and usually a door at the farther end of the hall - admits one to a garden, and not a mere patch of green. Here are gardens - that have been cultivated for hundreds of years and so artfully designed - that each of them has the appearance of a park, with lawns, and terraces, - and pergolas. Here, not thirty feet back from the street, are acres of - orchard, with mulberry trees of the original stock introduced by James I. - to make possible his scheme of English silk weaving. The arbutus has also - a home in several of these surprising pleasure grounds, with several other - rare but fully acclimatised flowering shrubs. Shady walks among giant - lilacs and laburnums lead to banks of roses and beds of lilies, and hardy - borders of brilliant colour such as a stranger could never fancy might be - found in so unpromising a region. - </p> - <p> - The lucky residents in these wonderful houses are usually extremely - exclusive—if they were not so, goodness only knows what might - happen. When a lady of good family finds herself living next door to a - grocer and an ironmonger, she is bound to take steps to prevent the - possibility of any one fancying that she belongs to that <i>galère</i>, - and the steps that some of them take with this fact in their mind are - sometimes very diverting. They usually assume the form of ignoring the - existence, not so much of the grocer and the ironmonger as of the other - ladies similarly situated. If you call upon Miss Wheatly at No. 10 High - Street and, after praising up her garden, refer to the garden of Miss - Keightley at No. 20, Miss Wheatley will express great interest, saying she - has often heard that Miss Keightley's garden is quite charming, but she - has never seen it for herself. Miss Keightley on her side may go even - further, and not merely pretend that she has never heard of Miss - Wheatley's garden, but also that she had no idea that any one named - Wheatley lived in the town. This is at first, but she occasionally betrays - a scrupulous anxiety to be accurate by asking, “What did you say the name - was? Wheatley? Oh yes, to be sure I remember hearing the other day that a - Miss Wheatley lived at No. 10. And you say she has a nice garden?” - </p> - <p> - And these good ladies may have been living within a few doors of one - another for forty odd years, and the father of the one may have been in - the butter trade, while the father of the other was in eggs. - </p> - <p> - The social distinctions in a country town such as Mallingham are sometimes - very pathetic. It might be thought that the people would find a bond of - union in that illiteracy which they enjoy in common, or in that profound - ignorance of everything connected, however distantly, with art or science - in which they live from one end of the year to the other; but one does not - find it so. Mallingham is perhaps the most ill-informed town in England on - all matters pertaining to culture, whether literary or artistic. A - stranger who was unacquainted with this fact thought he was scoring a - point in a speech which he had been called on to make in the absence of - the Member for the Division at the annual banquet of the Barham Trust—the - most important incident of the winter in Mallingham—when he remarked - that he felt that the town must be the centre of the greatest literary - activity; for, motoring through the High Street, he found on one of the - shop signs the name Swift, on another the name Smollett, a little farther - on he came upon an Addison (great applause), and finally he found himself - close to the house of Hume. Surely, he said, these names spoke for - themselves. - </p> - <p> - They had need to, for none of the élite of Mailingham could speak for any - of them, except Addison, for Mr. Addison was a pork butcher, who the day - before had been elected a member of the Corporation, after a hard struggle - with a saddler. It so happened that the bearers of all the other literary - names were not applaudable people—two of them were definitely - unpopular—but the name of Mr. Addison was received with cheers, not - by reason of his connection with <i>The Spectator</i>, but simply because - of his recent achievement, and no one at the banquet had the least idea - what the orator was referring to in bringing forward that string of names. - “He might surely have mentioned Mr. Fawley, who was twice Mayor, or George - Hanson, who has just bought the saw mills,” a prominent burgess remarked - to me when I was in his shop the next day. “But what has Peter Swift done, - or Tom Smollett, or even Walter Hume? Decent enough men, I don't deny, but - out of place when named in prominence at the Barham Banquet.” - </p> - <p> - I never met anyone in the town who had heard these names in any other - connection than that of Mailingham shopkeepers. - </p> - <p> - Some time later a new curate at St Bartholomew's, when proposing a vote of - thanks to the chairman of one of his social meetings (with a magic lantern - and an amateur ventriloquist), became erudite and droll by referring to - “what Dr. Johnson said about music.” The next day one of the churchwardens—a - land agent—asked him how on earth he could attribute such a - sentiment to Dr. Johnson. “I knew Dr. Johnson as well as most people, and - there never was a man in the town who enjoyed a song better or knew better - what a good song was,” he said; and when the perplexed curate recovered - himself sufficiently to be able to explain that there was another Dr. - Johnson who said things besides the person of the same name who had once - enjoyed quite a large and lucrative practice as a fully qualified - veterinary surgeon at Mallingham, the churchwarden smiled and shook his - head. “As much as to say,” the clergyman added in telling me the story—“as - much as to say that my excuse was far from plausible, but that he would - accept it to prevent the matter going farther.” - </p> - <p> - That narrative I found to be beautifully typical of the literary erudition - of Mallingham. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - IV.—THE TWO ICONOCLASTS - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>ome four or five - miles away are the imposing ruins of a great abbey of the Franciscans. It - had once been of so great importance in the land that when the archabbey - wrecker decreed that it should be demolished, he sent his most trustworthy - housebreaker to carry out his orders. Now everybody of education in - Mallingham can tell you all that is known about the venerable ruin, and it - is the pride of the town that it should be so closely connected with the - history of the Abbey; but I have never yet met with any layman in the - neighbourhood who was not under the impression that the crime of its - destruction should be added to the pretty long account of that Cromwell - who was called Oliver, and I should not like to be the person who would - suggest that there was another Cromwell—one who did not decapitate - his king, but whom his king decapitated. - </p> - <p> - For that matter, however, it must be acknowledged that the people of - Mallingham do not stand alone in mixing up those iconoclasts. I have found - that in many parts of England as well as Ireland every deficiency in the - features of a church figure or a church ornament is attributed to the - later Cromwell. In Ireland I have had pointed out to me by clergymen of - both churches the headless saints and the broken carvings caused by the - fury of “Cromwell,” though I knew perfectly well that the work of - sacrilege could not have been done by him, for two reasons, the first - being that in his devastating progress through Ireland he had never - approached the places in question, and the second being that the sacred - buildings in which the damage was done had not been built until long after - Cromwell had sailed for England, after being soundly-beaten at Clonmel. - </p> - <p> - Of course in Ireland there was only one “curse of Cromwell”; but in - England I soon found that there were two, and so the progress of confusion - began, until at the present time, when you are visiting any old church and - see in a niche an adult saint with a broken nose, or a carved rood screen - deficient about the rood, the verger—sometimes the rector himself—is - quite fluent in explaining that the heavy hand of Cromwell must be held - accountable for the spoliation. If you ask which of the two, the answer - will most certainly be, “Why, Cromwell to be sure—Cromwell—Oliver - Cromwell.” - </p> - <p> - An outsider should not interfere. The shade of Oliver would not shudder, - even if such an expression of emotion were permitted the shadiest of - shades, at the accusation being directed against him instead of the older - Cromwell. He would probably say, if speech were allowed to him, “I have - the greatest possible satisfaction in allowing my name to be associated - with any act of iconoclasm of the nature of those acts so conscientiously - perpetrated by my distinguished countryman.” - </p> - <p> - He would feel that, could he have had any hand in smashing in the roofs of - monasteries and despoiling rich abbeys, it would be accounted to him for - righteousness. After such splendid acts of spoliation, knocking the nose - off a poorly carved saint could not but seem a paltry thing, quite - unworthy of any man with a reputation for a heavy hand to maintain. - </p> - <p> - But Mallingham, for all its literary and historical ignorance, has its - heart in the right place; and it is staunch to Church and State—staunch - to the core. Every Fifth of November it has its procession emblematic of - these principles, and it must be confessed that the symbolism of the - movement is not exclusive. To express adequately the loyalty of - Mallingham, it is found necessary to set forth in marching order Turks, - male and female, Negroes, Zulus, Toreadors, Pierrots, Harlequins, the - Archbishop of Canterbury, Pirates, Mary Queen of Scots, Firemen, Dragoons, - William Shakespeare, a Sailor, and many other characters, all of whom, it - must be taken for granted, typify the triumph of Loyalty. Should any - question a-rise—for captious inquirers may always be reckoned on in - these days of high educational achievement—as to the identity of the - leading typical figure in this pageant and the reason of the obloquy that - is heaped upon him, culminating in the stake, with foul-mouthed - explosives, the answer is that he is one Guy Fox, and that he is paying - the penalty of having failed to blow up the Houses of Parliament. After - that explanation no one can doubt that, whoever he was, he richly deserves - his fate—or should it be spelt <i>fête?</i> - </p> - <p> - Occasionally co-opted with him is an unpopular person of distinction in - the neighbourhood—a clergyman who lies under the stigma of preaching - toleration, a police superintendent with a constitutional distaste for - bonfires and low-flash explosives in the public streets, or perhaps a - District Visitor suspected of “leanings.” But usually by midnight the - worst is over, and good nature without intoxicants prevails throughout the - motley crowd; the Archbishop of Canterbury lights his cigarette—one - of the packet with the pictures—from that of the Pirate King; Mary - Queen of Scots hurries to the house where she discharges the duties of - parlour-maid, complaining to a sympathetic Shakespeare that she has to be - up at six in the morning to let in the sweep, and so home to bed. - </p> - <p> - The only literary fact which is impressed upon all the townspeople is that - by some way never made quite clear, the singeing effigy, whose obsequies - have been so imposing, was responsible for a <i>Book of Martyrs.</i> The - general idea is that he was responsible for the martyrs themselves, and - that Foxes <i>Book of Martyrs</i> is a sort of catalogue with descriptive - text of his victims. - </p> - <p> - So, as has been stated, the two Cromwells have but a single identity in - the minds of Mallingham. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - V.—THE SOCIAL “SETS” - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>f course there is - in Mallingham, as in every other country town, a first set and a second - set—perhaps even a third, but that must be very close indeed to the - unclassed tradesmen set, which is no set at all. And here it may be - mentioned that the tradesmen's families are, as a rule, very much more - refined and almost invariably better educated than the families of the - first or second sets. Some years ago there was an amateur performance of - one of Mr. Sutro's delightful plays given in aid of some deserving - charity. Charity performances cover, as does Charity itself, a multitude - of sins, but the leading lady did not need to make any appeal for - leniency, so ably did she represent the part of the refined woman who was - not quite sure whether she loved her husband or not. She was the daughter - of a professional man, but had never succeeded in getting into the first - set; for it must be remembered that there is no graduating from one set to - another: one is either accepted or rejected at once. A couple of years - later, however, the play was repeated, only this time it was under the - highest patronage, so the management resolved to get the real thing. They - managed to secure the services of a lady of title for the chief part, and - the result was appalling. The refinement had vanished from the part, so - had the correct pronunciation of the English language, so had the good - taste in the toilettes worn, so had every vestige of intelligence. In - place of these we were shown a pert young person with a voice like that of - a barmaid in a country inn and a taste in dress to correspond. In the - matter of memory for the words of the dialogue also the advantage was - certainly on the side of the humbler representative of the part. In one of - Mr. Henry James' most delightful short stories the catastrophe of “The - Real Thing” is depicted. It was not more pronounced than that of the - second representation of the comedy. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0113.jpg" alt="0113 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0113.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - It is really very difficult to understand what are the qualifications for - the best set in Mallingham; but somehow people usually find themselves in - the set that suits them, and very seldom do the rulers of the social - grades in Mallingham make a mistake. They have now and again sailed very - close to the wind, however; for that was a nasty rub they got when they - hastened to call upon a stranger, with the title of Baroness, who had - taken a house in the new part of the town and kept a man-servant. As the - story was told me, the ladies jammed one another in the doorway in their - anxiety to be the first caller upon the Baroness, or Madame la Baronne, as - the wife of a retired Indian civil servant called her, having studied the - idioms of the <i>Comédie française</i>. Madame la Baronne was indeed a - lady of great personal charm, and she was invited everywhere—even to - the villa of the wife of the leading brewer, which represented a sort of - Distinguished Strangers' Gallery in Mallingham. The competition among the - most select for the presence of Madame at their houses was strenuous; and - as she was in such demand it really should not have been regarded as so - surprising that a London magistrate should send her a peremptory - invitation by the hand of two detectives to come to the court over which - he presided. His messengers would take no denial, he wanted her so badly, - so she had perforce to throw over her local engagements and grant the - magistrate the favour which he requested of her. - </p> - <p> - Her portrait was in the <i>Daily Mirror</i> the next day, in connection - with a startling series of headlines, beginning, “The Bogus Baroness Again—Arrest - at Mallingham.” She was one of the most notorious swindlers that France - ever returned to her native shore, after a series of exploits in Paris. - </p> - <p> - The ladies of Mallingham ran up against one another in the porch of her - villa in their haste to get back the cards they had left upon her. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - VI.—THE CASE OF MR. STANWELL - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>hat was what might - be termed “a close call” upon the dignity and discrimination of the - leaders of Society in Mallingham, and this was possibly why they held back - when a man and his wife bearing the name Stanwell took a house in the - town. The lady seemed quite nice and the man was passable, and before they - had “settled down” it was noised abroad that they had a car: it need - scarcely be said that to “have a car” is in country districts nowadays as - sure a sign of respectability as “driving a gig” was in the 'thirties. - There seemed to be no reason why these people should not be called upon by - the leaders of Mallingham Society; but the leaders were getting more - cautious than ever since the Baroness' scandal, and they hung back, none - of them wishing to take a step which it would be impossible to recall, and - every day the question of to call or not to call was informally discussed. - It was just at this critical moment, when the fate of the Stanwells was - trembling in the balance, so to speak, that one of the leaders was visited - by a London friend, and on the name Stanwell being mentioned, this person - asked, “Is that Herbert Stanwell, the author? It must be. I heard that he - was leaving London and going to live in the country. They are all going. - Soon we shall not have an author left in London; though I remember the - time when they all lived there.” - </p> - <p> - “This Mr. Stanwell has a car, I hear,” was the “feeling” suggestion made - by the Mallingham lady. - </p> - <p> - “So has Herbert Stanwell—he has been photographed in it dozens of - times. Dear me! To think of Herbert Stanwell coming down here!” was the - exclamation of the visitor; and the moment that she had gone back to - London her hostess rushed round to her partners in the government of - social Mallingham, and breathlessly announced that she had discovered that - Mr. Stanwell was an author and that Mrs. Stanwell was his wife. - </p> - <p> - “Good heavens!” was the whispered exclamation from the syndicate. “Who - would have believed it? And we were actually thinking of calling upon - them! And they look quite respectable.” - </p> - <p> - “And have a car!” - </p> - <p> - “Car, or no car, what I tell you is the truth. Is he not 'H. Stanwell?' - and the authors name is Herbert. There's no doubt about it. And my friend, - who knows everybody in London, said that Herbert Stanwell was about to - live in the country.” - </p> - <p> - She assumed the pose of a Princess Hohenstïel Schwangau, saviour of - Society, and she and her friends talked of how providential were certain - incidents, let scoffers say what they might; for if she had not by the - merest accident—ah, a providential accident!—mentioned the - name of the Stanwells, no one would have known anything about them, and - they might have been visited quite in good faith. - </p> - <p> - They parted, feeling that Providence was, very properly, mindful of the - best interests of Mallingham; and so it was decreed that the newcomers—that - pair who had made the attempt to get within the citadel of Mallingham's - exclusiveness, not storming it boldly, but by the insidious device of - concealing the fact that at least one of them was the author of over - twenty novels—were not to be called on, although they had a car. - </p> - <p> - Before a month had passed, however, <i>The Happy Home</i>, a magazine - widely circulated at Mallingham on account of its admirable paper - patterns, contained an interview with Herbert Wilfred Stanwell, giving an - excellent protrait of the distinguished author sitting (as usual) in his - motor-car, with his favourite Chow, <i>Ming</i>, beside him; and the - “letterpress” stated that he was unmarried, and that he had just taken a - charming cottage at Henley (illustrated), on the lawn of which - (illustrated), it might be taken for granted, all that was illustrious in - Literature, Art, and the Drama would be found at week-ends during the - summer, Mr. Stanwell's hospitality being proverbial. - </p> - <p> - The next day cards were left upon Mr. H. Stanwell and his wife, and it was - universally admitted that they formed quite a congenial addition to - Mailing-ham Society. He was a pleasant man and she was a charming woman. - They came to Mallingham with a clean bill of health. Neither of them had - done anything in the world, and the only time their names had appeared in - the newspapers was when they had been married. They were nonentities to - their finger-tips, and they soon took a high place among the nonentities - of Mallingham. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Stanwell sorrowfully admits that more than once he has been asked in - hotels in France and Italy if he was any relation to Herbert Stanwell, the - great author. It is very annoying, he says, but he hopes to live it down. - If he continues to live at Mallingham, he may be assured that his hopes - run every chance of being realised. - </p> - <p> - It is greatly to be feared that the leading “note” of Mallingham is not - literature. It is Thurswell that occasionally lays claim to be a great - reading centre. It was in the most friendly spirit of honest patronage - that a lady addressed a letter to George Eliot, commending some of the - characters in <i>The Mill on the Floss</i>, but regretting that the story - had not a happy ending. - </p> - <p> - “But it never reached him,” she said. “I had sent it under cover to the - publishers, but they returned it to me, with a scrawl across it, evidently - done by a clerk, saying, '<i>Present address of</i> George Eliot not - known, so, after all my trouble, it never reached him.” - </p> - <p> - Having mentioned <i>The Mill on the Floss</i>, I feel bound to say that - neither in Thurswell nor Mallingham did the sporting innkeeper live who, - on seeing a cheap edition of the book advertised, at once sent for it and - read the greater part of it before he found out that he had been too hasty - in taking for granted that it was written round a prizefight. A “mill” - meant to him primarily such an incident, and his excursions into the magic - realms of literature had practically been confined to the spirited - accounts given incertain weekly papers of such encounters. A mill as an - industrial building conveyed quite a secondary idea to him. He admitted to - a friend of mine who found the book in the bar parlour, and wondered how - it got he had been “had” over it, and his faith in the accuracy of - literary advertisements got a severe jar. How was he to tell, he asked, - that the chap meant another sort of mill? - </p> - <p> - How, indeed? - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER SEVEN—THE PEOPLE OF MALLINGHAM - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I.—THE MAYOR - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>NE OF THE - PECULIARITIES OF MALLINGHAM is the Mayor, for Mallingham has a Mayor all - to itself, except when, by virtue of his office, he spends a happy day on - various County Benches, joining with the representatives of local county - families in the administration of Petty Sessions justice—Petty - Sessions justice is founded on “good Crowner's Quest law”—otherwise - he is usually a very worthy man, and lays no specious claim to popularity. - He is never ostentatious or self-assertive, and in spite of the position - which he occupies, he is in private life as sound an exponent of domestic - virtue as if he were an ordinary simple citizen. The eminence to which he - has risen never makes him lose his head or forget that kind hearts are - more than coronets, and only very little inferior to a Mayoral Chain of - office. It was the proud but very proper boast of a Mayor of Mallingham - that although he had been proprietor of a provision business in the very - centre of the town for over forty years, and had worn the chain for two - consecutive terms, he was still just as approachable as any man in the - kingdom. - </p> - <p> - Just as it was said in the Napoleonic days that every French soldier - carried the <i>bâton</i> of a Field-Marshal in his knapsack, and as it is - said in these days in the States that any citizen may one day become - President—the contingency may account for the gloomy view so many - American citizens take of life—so it is understood that any burgess - of Mallingham may one day become Mayor. There is, however, no competition - for the office, so unambitious are the majority of the burgesses; and now - and again the Council find themselves face to face with the problem of how - to induce any one to accept the chain of office. - </p> - <p> - Considering all that its acceptance entails upon the wearer, it can easily - be understood that there should be some reluctance to have anything to do - with it within the ranks of the eligible. If it were an understood thing - that the burgesses of the town must buy their bacon and butter from the - Mayor during his term of office, the problem of the Mayoralty might become - less acute—assuming that a bacon and butter candidate were - available; but no suggestion of this sort has ever been made so far as I - can gather, and thus the difficulty is increasing year by year with the - using up of all the available material for Mayors in the rough. - </p> - <p> - The fact is, that a great deal too much is expected from the Mayor. There - is an inaugural banquet every year at which some two hundred burgesses, - and several of the local gentry, and Members of Parliament, with a bishop, - a rural dean, and an occasional chaplain to the forces, sit down on the - invitation of the incoming Mayor.—He is expected to pay for - everything, and as the feast is founded on the noblest traditions of civic - catering, his bill cannot but be a heavy one. In no way is the menu - inferior in interest to that to be found on the table of the Mansion House - in the City of London. As a matter of fact, I believe that the turtle soup - served at the Mallingham banquet is a trifle richer than that in the - Mansion House, and the champagne is possibly a little sweeter. But the - status of the large proportion of the guests at the one is widely - different from that of the majority at the other. In Mallingham the - tradesmen—gas-fitters, grocers, tobacconists, hair-cutters, - newsagents, and the like—who are probably accustomed to a midday - dinner of a cut from the joint, two vegetables, cheese, and a glass of - ale, and want nothing better, work their way through a long and elaborate - succession of dishes, between the <i>hors d'ouvres assortis</i> and the - home-grown pineapple, drinking glass after glass of Ayala, <i>cuvée - reservée</i>. Of course they may appreciate some of the simpler delicacies—<i>vol-au-vent</i> - or the <i>faysans rotis</i>—but the most of the dishes are mysteries - to them and, though very expensive, altogether obnoxious to the uneducated - palate. - </p> - <p> - To be sure, the banquet is artfully meant: it is supposed to be by way of - so incapacitating the diners that they are forced to listen to the - speeches that follow. Only by the adoption of such stringent measures - would it be possible to get a hearing for those speeches, made in all - solemnity by the gentlemen at the High Table. A loyal Mayor has been known - to spend twenty minutes over the Royal Family, after the King and Queen - had been honoured—he took a quarter of over Their Majesties; but - then the evening was comparatively young, and “The Bishops and Clergy of - the Established Church,” “The Clergy of other Denominations,” “The Member - of Parliament for the Division,” “The Worshipful the Mayor,” “The - Corporation of Mallingham,” “The Official Staff,” “The Town and Trade of - Mallingham”—all these had to be proposed and replied to in due - course, and the general opinion was that in making up the accounts, with - the banquet on the credit side and the speeches on the debit, a large - balance remained against the Mayor. - </p> - <p> - And the inaugural banquet is merely the first of the series of - entertainments which are supposed to come from the same source. Two or - three balls, as many garden parties, and at least four large receptions, - with refreshments, are looked for by the townspeople of all grades, for - even the most exclusive of the leaders of the best set do not object to be - entertained at the expense of the Mayor. They consider it their duty to - attend the dances as well as the receptions; but there the transaction - ends so far as they are concerned. They feel that they are honouring him - by accepting his hospitality, and they do not consider that they are under - the obligation to recognise him or his family if they meet in the public - street, nor do they think it necessary to invite him or any member of his - family to their houses. They really believe in their hearts that they lay - the Mayor under an obligation to themselves by attending his receptions - and his dances. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - II.—THE FIRST FAMILIES - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>hat is the - attitude of these good people whose names are quite unknown outside - Mallingham. They are amusing through the entire lack on their part of a - sense of comedy. - </p> - <p> - I am inclined to think, however, that the attitude of a son of one of - these First Families, in respect of an incident that came under my notice, - might be more definitely described. He had been invited by a man who was - in a far better social position than himself to have a day with the - partridges in a shooting which he leased; the youth accepted, and on the - morning of the day named appeared in a dog-cart, bringing with him a - friend with another gun. They passed the man who had given the invitation, - and who was walking to the first field and had still a mile or so to go - before reaching it; but though there was a vacant seat in the dog-cart he - was not asked to take it. They drove gaily on, and did not even wait for - him to come up with his dogs to begin operations. One of them was walking - up one side of the field and the other was walking up the parallel side. - The lessee of the shooting, on arriving, found himself taking rather a - back place, the fact being that he had no acquaintance with his friend's - friend, and his friend apparently not thinking it necessary to introduce - him. The shoot went on, however, and, save for a little grumbling at the - working of the dogs, it was successful enough. On getting round to the - dog-cart, after walking through the last field, the visitors collected the - birds that they had shot and tucked them under the back seat, and mounting - to the front called out a cheery “good-bye” to the man who had entertained - them. They were about to drive off, but the breaking strain of the other's - politeness had been passed. - </p> - <p> - “I shouldn't mind a lift from you,” he suggested. - </p> - <p> - “Sorry,” explained the one with the reins; “but you see how rough the lane - is, and really the machine is too heavy as it is. Ta-ta.” - </p> - <p> - “On minute,” said the pedestrian. “If it's too heavy I'll jolly soon - remedy that,” and he took a step to the dog-cart and pulled out the birds. - “Pity you didn't think of that before. Now it's lighter. Off you go, and - the next time you are offered a day's shooting you just inquire, from some - one who knows, how you should behave. You will in that way be prevented - from appearing a complete bounder.” - </p> - <p> - For some time afterwards there was a sort of coldness between that man and - the First Family, whose representative had been prevented by him from - adding three brace of partridges to their menu for the next week. - </p> - <p> - For a plentiful lack of good manners the representatives of the “best set” - in Mallingham could scarcely be surpassed in any community. The youth - probably was quite sincere in his belief that he was conferring a - conspicuous favour upon the man who had invited him to an afternoon among - the partridges. How could it be expected that he should think differently - when he had seen his mother and sisters feasting at the Mayoral ball one - night, and cutting the Mayor the next day when they met him in the street? - </p> - <p> - It was not a Mayoress of Mallingham, but of a much more important - municipality—one, in fact, of so great importance as to have a Lord - Mayor and a Lady Mayoress—who had the privilege of entertaining a - certain elderly offshoot of the Royal Family upon the occasion of the - laying of the foundation-stone of a new hospital in the town. This - particular minor Royalty is well known (in certain circles) for her ample - appreciation of the dignity of her exalted position, and, like all such - ladies, she is gracious in proportion to such dust of the earth as - Mayoresses and Presidents of Colleges and Chairmen of Hospital Boards; and - she made herself so pleasant to the Lady Mayoress who was entertaining - her, that the latter determined to keep up the acquaintance, so she made - it a point to pay her a visit in her private capacity. She drove up the - stately avenue to the mansion, and inquired if Her Royal Highness were at - home, just as if Her Royal Highness had been the wife of the vicar. She - was admitted—as far as a certain room—and after an interval of - long waiting there entered, not Her Royal Highness, but a stranger, a - member of the “Household” of the minor Royalty, and they had a chilly chat - together. - </p> - <p> - And the friendship so auspiciously begun at the opening of the municipal - hospital made no advance beyond this interview, though it is understood - that the lady of the Household was as polite as if she were Her Royal - Highness herself. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - III.—MISS LATIMER'S MARRIAGE LINES - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>here is nothing - that the best set in Mallingham so resent as pretentiousness, or the - semblance of pretentiousness, on the part of any one who does not belong - to the best set. A few years ago a Mrs. Latimer, who lives in a delightful - old house close to our village of Thurswell and is a widow, married one of - her two pretty and accomplished daughters to a young man who was beginning - to make a name for himself at the Bar. He had been at Uppingham and - Oxford, and was altogether the sort of person by whose side the most - fastidious young woman would not shrink from meeting her enemy in the - Gate. The wedding was made an event of more than usual importance, for the - girl and her mother were greatly liked, and on the mother's side were - connections of actual county rank. The list of names in the county - newspaper of the wedding guests and of the numerous presents was an - imposing one: among the former was the widow of a Baronet, a County Court - Judge, a Major-General (retired), and a Master of Hounds; and among the - latter, a diamond and sapphire necklace (the gift of the bridegroom), a - cheque (from the bride's uncle), a silver-mounted dressing-bag (from the - bride's sister), and the usual silver-backed brushes, button-hooks, - shoe-lifters, blotters, and nondescript articles. When the late Dr. - Schliemann exhibited the result of his excavations at the supposed site of - Troy, there were to be seen several articles to which no use could - possibly be assigned. No one seemed to perceive that these must have been - wedding presents. - </p> - <p> - It was, however, generally allowed that the wedding had been a very pretty - one, that the bride had looked her best, and that the bridegroom appeared - a good fellow; and in addition to the column and a half devoted to the - affair by a generous newspaper, there appeared the usual announcement: - Weston—Latimer.—On the 2nd inst., at Thurswell Church, by the - Rev. Theophilas Watson, B.A.Oxon, Vicar of Thurswell, late Incumbent of - St. Michael and All Angels, Bardswell, and Rural Dean, assisted by the - Rev. Anselm Sigurd Mott, M. A., late Fellow of King's College, London, and - Senior Curate of St. James the Less, Brindlington, William Henry, eldest - son of the late John Weston of King's Elms, Leicestershire, to Ida Evelyn, - elder daughter of the late George Cruikshank Latimer, of Todderwell, and - Susan Prescott Latimer, of Grange Lodge, Thurswell. - </p> - <p> - This was the advertised notice in the <i>Telegraph</i>, as well as in the - local paper, on the day after the wedding. - </p> - <p> - Three or four days later, however, there appeared, in the corresponding - column of the <i>Post</i>, an amended version of the same announcement—Weston—Latimer.—On - the 2nd inst., at Thurswell Parish Church, William Henry Weston, eldest - son of the late John Weston, Attorney's Clerk, King's Elms, - Leicestershire, to Ida, daughter of the late George C. Latimer, Farmer, - Todderwell. - </p> - <p> - This piece of feline malevolence was easily traced to a lady with a highly - marriageable daughter who had been posing for several years as one of the - guardians of “exclusiveness” of Mallingham. An adroit lady had only to pay - her a visit, ostensibly to call her attention to the delightful - announcement—“the cleverest thing that had ever been done,” she - called it—to invite a return of confidence, and, with sparkling - eyes, the perpetrator accepted the credit of thinking out the scheme for - the humiliation of her neighbour for her arrogance in making so much of - the wedding. - </p> - <p> - And the most melancholy part of the contemptible affair was that the - greater number of the best set actually talked over it as a properly - administered blow to the Latimers, and chuckled over it for many days. - </p> - <p> - But the very next year Mrs. Latimer's other daughter got married to the - heir to a baronetcy; the wedding took place in St. George's, Hanover - Square, and the <i>Post</i> gave an account of it to the extent of half a - column, and the <i>Mirror</i> gave photographs of the bride and - bridegroom. - </p> - <p> - It would scarcely be believed, except by some one acquainted with the best - society at Mallingham, that upon this occasion the lady who had displayed - her skill in snubbing the Latimers sent a two-guinea present to the bride. - It was understood that the list of presents would appear in the <i>Post;</i> - but when this list appeared the name of the donor of this special gift was - absent from it: the two-guinea gift had been promptly returned by the - mother of the bride. - </p> - <p> - And here is another touch: the valuable cake basket was returned with a - heavy dinge in one place, which the jeweller affirms was not there when he - packed it in tissue paper and shavings in its box with the card bearing - the inscription: “To dear Constance, with best wishes from————” - That is why he refused to take it back. - </p> - <p> - It was the son of this lady whose generosity was so spurned who, on - leaving the rather second-class public school at which he received a sort - of education, gravely said to another boy from Mallingham who had also - just been finished— - </p> - <p> - “I suppose I'll often see you at Mallingham, old chap, as we are both - living there, and I'm sure that I should be very glad to have a chat with - you now and then; but, of course, you won't expect me to acknowledge you - if I am walking with my mother or sister.” - </p> - <p> - “Why not?” asked the other boy. - </p> - <p> - “Oh, my dear fellow, can't you see that it would never do?” said the - first. “You know that your people are not in our set. You can't expect - that because we happen to have been three years in the same house, we are - in the same social position at home. But, as you know, there's nothing of - the snob about me, and any time that we meet in one of the side streets, - and even at the unfashionable end of High Street, I'll certainly nod to - you. But that's the farthest that I can be expected to go.” - </p> - <p> - The other boy certainly expected him to go very much farther even than the - unfashionable end of the High Street, and ventured to delimitate the - boundaries of the place, and to say a word or two respecting its climate - and the fitness of his companions and all his family for a permanent - residence there. Being a biggish lad, and enjoying a reputation for being - opposed to peace at any price, he could express his inmost feelings - without being deterred by any inconvenient reprisals. - </p> - <p> - The other did not even respond to his exuberance upon this occasion. He - sulked in the corner of the railway carriage where the conversation took - place, and he has been sulking ever since. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - IV.—THE ENTERPRISE OF MALLINGHAM - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>t was a gentleman - who travelled in the latest styles in soft goods who was heard to affirm - that Mallingham was not a town: it was a dormitory. - </p> - <p> - He doubtless spoke from the horizon line of soft goods, having in his eye - certain of those firms who still do business in the concave side of - ancient bay windows, and have not yet been lured on to fortnightly cheap - sales behind a sheet of plate-glass. A commercial traveller takes some - time to recover his selfrespect after importuning a possible client in the - con-cavity of an eighteenth-century window of what was once a dainty - parlour, but is now a dingy shop. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0139.jpg" alt="0139 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0139.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - But, as a matter of fact, there is a deep and pellucid well of enterprise - in the centre of commercial circles in Mallingham, and it only wants an - occasional stir to irrigate the dead levels of the town. For instance, - there is published by a stationer in the High Street the <i>Mallingham - Almanac</i>, an annual work which gives a large amount of interesting - information valuable to many persons in an agricultural district, such as - the list of fair days in all the villages in the county, the hours of the - rising and setting of the sun (of undoubted interest to farmers), the - changes of the moon (also very important to have noted down to the very - second), the equation of time from day to day (without which we could - hardly get on at all), the time of high water at London Bridge, and the - variation of the compass (indispensable to agriculturists). A graver note - is, however, sounded in the pages devoted to prophecy, after the style of - the ever veracious Francis Moore, where readers, born when Mercury was in - the Fourth House, are warned against eating uncooked horse-chestnuts on a - Friday, and the general public are told that as, in a certain month, Mars - and Neptune are in opposition—perhaps it should be apposition—news - will be published regarding the German Emperor. - </p> - <p> - Then there are pages given over wholly to poetry, like Ephraim and his - idols. - </p> - <p> - The spirit of enterprise which flutters—I am afraid that I referred - to it in an earlier paragraph in a way that suggested water which really - does not flutter,—as a moth round a flame, round a good advertising - medium in Mallingham, is shown by the pages of business cards scattered - throughout the sheets of this almanac. - </p> - <p> - In his Address to his Subscribers which prefaces the last issue, the - publisher, who is also the editor, recognises in a handsome way the - support which he has received from his numerous advertisers and expresses - the earnest hope that they may all, individually and collectively, find - that their business will rapidly increase as a reward for their - enterprise. - </p> - <p> - On the opposite page may be read the business cards of three undertakers. - </p> - <p> - Mallingham is certainly not a dormitory so far as the possibilities of - trade are concerned. It may safely be said that every business house will - undertake undertaking in all its branches and the removal of furniture. No - matter how small may be the apparent connection between the business - professed on the shop sign and the undertaking industry or the removal - industry, you will find on inquiry the utmost willingness expressed to - meet your wishes in either direction. - </p> - <p> - The qualification of a dealer in antiques to carry out such a contract is - not immediately apparent, but it is certainly more apparent than that of - an auctioneer; at least, if you need to be buried, it is not to an - auctioneer you will go in the first instance. To be sure, if you read <i>Othello</i> - carefully you will find that there is quite an intimate connection between - “removals” and undertaking; but, as a rule, for business purposes each of - the two trades is regarded as distinct from the other. - </p> - <p> - But in Mallingham you not only find them amalgamated, but both are run - (decorously) in association with hardware, upholstery, blind-making, - carpetbeating, life and fire assurance (not at all so extraordinary this - last named), crockery, and soft goods. It is rumoured that the largest - business in the “lines” referred to is in the hands of a rag and bone - merchant and a dyer. - </p> - <p> - It is pleasant to be able to record that no one has yet been known to - accept the suggestion of the pun in regard to the aptitude of the dyer in - such a connection, and it is certain that Shakespeare himself would not - have been able to resist the temptation. But Shakespeare has said many - things that no one in Mallingham would care to invent or even to repeat. - </p> - <p> - One of the most notable instances of the professional enterprise of - Mallingham was told to me by its victim. He was a clergyman, and the - curate of one of the parishes. Now there are curates who are as fully - qualified to discharge the duties of their calling as is a Rector, or even - a Rural Dean: some of those whom we find in the country have “walked the - hospitals,” so to speak, having been for years labouring in the slums of a - large town; but some are what might be termed only “first aid” men, and it - was a “first aid” curate who, on taking up his duties in Mallingham, set - about a zealous house-to-house visitation, being determined to become - personally acquainted with every member of his flock. - </p> - <p> - He had already made some headway in the course he had mapped out for - himself, and was becoming greatly liked for his sociability before he had - reached the letter R in his visiting list, at the head of which was the - name of Mr. Walter Ritchie, the dentist, a gentleman who, in addition to - enjoying an excellent practice as a destructive rather than a constructive - artist, was a good Churchman. It was between the hours of twelve and one - that the zealous curate found it convenient to call upon him, and he was - promptly shown into the waiting-room, where there was an elderly lady with - a slightly swollen face studying the pages of a very soiled <i>Graphic</i> - of three weeks old. Of her company he was, however, bereft within the - space of a few minutes, and the <i>Graphic</i> was available for his - entertainment for the next quarter of an hour. Then the maid returned and - said that Mr. Ritchie would see him now, and he followed her across the - passage and was shown into the usual operating room of the second-class - practitioner of the country town. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Ritchie greeted him warmly and so volubly as saved the clergyman the - need for introducing any of the professional inanities which are supposed - to smooth the way to an honourable <i>rapprochement</i> be-ween a pastor - and an unknown member of his pastorate. The parson had not really a word - to say when Mr. Ritchie got upon the topic of teeth, and warned his - visitor that he must be very careful in his use of the Mallingham water - until he should get accustomed to it. It had an injurious effect upon the - natural enamel of the teeth of the lower jaw, he said. - </p> - <p> - “I will explain to you what I mean, if you will kindly sit here,” he - added, pointing to the iron-framed chair, the shape of which expresses the - most excruciating comfort to a dentist's clientele. The curate, wishing to - be all things to all men, though he had no intention of being a dentist's - “example,” smiled and seated himself. In an instant Mr. Ritchie had him in - his power; bending over him, he gently scraped away some of the “enamel” - from one of his front teeth and, exhibiting a speck on the end of the - steel scraper, explained the chemical changes which an unguarded use of - the chalky water of the town supply would have upon that substance, though - it made no difference to the secretions of the glands of the upper jaw. - </p> - <p> - This was very interesting and civil, if somewhat “shoppy,” of Mr. Ritchie, - the clergyman thought, and once more opened his mouth to allow of the - dentist's obtaining a sample of the alkaline deposit to which he had - alluded. But the moment his jaws were apart Mr. Ritchie made a sound as of - a sudden indrawing of his breath. - </p> - <p> - “Ha, what have we here?” he cried. “Nasty, nasty! but not too far gone—no, - I sincerely hope, not too far gone. One moment.” He had inserted a little - shield-shaped mirror in the curate's mouth and was pressing it gently - against an upper tooth. “Ah yes, as I thought—a little stuffing will - save it. Nerve exposed. You are quite right to come to me at once. A - stitch in time, you know. It will hardly require any drilling—only - at the rough edges.” - </p> - <p> - The clergyman was not the man to protest against Mr. Ritchie's civilities. - He admitted that the tooth had given him some trouble the previous year, - but he had not thought it worth consulting a dentist about. - </p> - <p> - “That's the mistake that people make,” said Mr. Ritchie mournfully. “They - usually associate a visit to their dentist with some atrocity—some - moments of agony—that was the result of the old tradition, dating - back to John Leech's days. Of course, in those dark ages dentists did not - exist, whereas now—— I think I would do well to do a little - crown work between the tooth I am stopping and the next: the gap between - the two is certain to work mischief before many months are over, and the - back of the nearest molar has become so worn through the pressure of that - overgrown one below it that, if not checked in time, it will break off - with you some fine day. I'm glad that you came to me to-day. I will make a - new man of you.” - </p> - <p> - He had the little ingenious emery drill working away before the clergyman - remembered that he had not come to pay a professional visit to the dentist—that - is to say, he had meant that his visit should be a professional one so far - as his own profession went, but not that it should be a professional one - so far as the profession of the other man went. But it seemed to him that - the dentist was fast approaching the moment when he, the dentist, would - not be amenable to the <i>convenances</i> of the parochial visit, but - would become completely absorbed in the <i>nuances</i> of dental science - which every revolution of the emery drill seemed to be revealing. He could - say nothing. He was in an unaccustomed posture for speech. He was lying in - the steely embrace of that highly nickelised chair, with his face looking - up to the ceiling—exactly the reverse of the attitude in which he - felt so fluent every Sunday evening. With his head bending over the top of - his pulpit, he felt that he was equal to explaining everything in heaven - above or the earth beneath; but sprawling back, with his eyes on the - ceiling, and a thing whizzing like a cockchafer in his mouth, he was - incapable of protest, even when he had recovered himself sufficiently to - feel that a protest might be judicious, if not actually effective. - </p> - <p> - He submitted. - </p> - <p> - For the next four weeks he was, off and on, in the hands of Mr. Ritchie. - It seemed as he went on that he had not a really sound tooth in his head, - though he told me, almost tearfully, that previously he had always prided - himself on his excellent teeth. - </p> - <p> - “I think Mr. Ritchie went too far in the end,” he added, recapitulating - the main incidents of his indictment of the dentist. “I dare say a couple - of my molars were showing signs of wear and tear, and so were all the - better for being filled in properly; and it is quite likely that the gulf - between the other two was the better for being bridged over—possibly - a flake or two needed to be ground away from one of the grinders at the - back—but I am sure that the time occupied in correcting some of the - other irregularities which he perceived, but which had never caused me a - moment's inconvenience, might have been better spent. I often thought so; - but I said nothing until he calmly advised me to have six of my upper jaw - painlessly extracted, apparently for no other reason than to show me how - the new system of injecting cocaine, or something, worked, and that he - could do what he called 'crown work' with the best dentists at - Brindlington—then I thought it time to speak out, and I did speak - out.” - </p> - <p> - “And what did you say to him?” I inquired, for I longed to be put in touch - with the phraseology of a “first aid” parson when speaking out. - </p> - <p> - “I didn't spare him: I told him just what I thought of him.” - </p> - <p> - “And what did that amount to? Nothing grossly offensive, I hope.” - </p> - <p> - “I wasn't careful of my words; I did not weigh them. If they sounded - offensive to him I cannot help it.” - </p> - <p> - “What did you say to him, as nearly as you can recollect? I'm rather a - connoisseur of language and I may be able to relieve your mind, if you - have any uneasiness on the subject of the man's feelings when you had done - with him. What did you say to him?” - </p> - <p> - “I told him plainly that I thought he had gone too far; and now, looking - at the whole transaction from a purely impersonal standpoint, I am not - disposed to withdraw a single word of what I said. He did go too far—I - honestly believe it. You will understand that it is not easy for one to - take up an attitude of complete detachment in considering a matter such as - this in all its bearings; but I think that I have disciplined myself - sufficiently to be able to consider it in an unprejudiced spirit, and - really I do believe that he went too far.” - </p> - <p> - “If he did, you certainly did not,” said I. “Has he sent you in his bill?” - </p> - <p> - “It is not his bill that matters—it only comes to £5, 11s. 6d. What - I objected to was his implication that I had not a sound tooth in my head—I - that have been accustomed during the past five years to crack nuts—not - mere filberts, mind, but the sort that come from Brazil—at all the - school feasts without the need for crackers! Just think of it! Oh yes, he - certainly went too far.” - </p> - <p> - I agreed with him; I had no idea that there was so much enterprise in all - Mallingham. - </p> - <p> - The general idea that prevails in regard to Mallingham is that it has - remained stagnant—except for its aspirations after plate-glass—during - the past four or five hundred years of its existence. A dog of some sort - lies asleep at midday under almost every shop window, and cats of all - sorts may be seen crossing the High Street at almost any hour. That is how - it comes that the town seems so charming to visitors, and to those of its - inhabitants who are not engaged in business. - </p> - <p> - This being so, I was disposed to laugh at the sly humour of a man and his - wife—they were Russian nobles who motored across from Brindlington - to lunch with us at Thurswell—who said they had enjoyed the drive - exceedingly, until they had come to Mallingham. “A horrid, rowdy place, - like the East End of London on Saturday night,” were the exact words those - visitors employed, and I had actually begun to laugh at their ironical - humour when I saw that they were meant to be in earnest. For some time I - was in a state of perplexity; but then the truth suddenly flashed upon me: - it was the day of the Mallingham Races—one of the three days of the - year when the dogs are not allowed to sleep in the streets and when the - cats remain indoors, when the High Street is for a full hour after the - arrival of the train crowded with all that it disgorges, and when there is - a stream of vehicles carrying to the picturesque racecourse on the Downs - the usual supporters of the turf, with redfaced bookmakers and their - “pitches,” as objectionable a crew as may be encountered in the streets of - any country town at any season. - </p> - <p> - It was clear that my friends had reached the High Street of Mallingham a - few minutes after the arrival of the train, and not being aware of the - exceptional circumstances which had galvanised the place into life for a - brief twenty minutes, they had assumed that this was the normal aspect of - the town! I did my best to remove from Mallingham the reproach of being - the great centre of bustling life that it had seemed to these strangers; - but I could see that I did not altogether succeed in convincing them that, - except for four days out of the year, nothing happens in Mallingham—three - days of races and one night of loyal revelry—for even the holding of - the Assizes three times a year does not cause the town to awake from its - immemorial repose. The trumpets sound as the judge drives up to the County - Hall with a mounted escort, and the shopkeepers come to their doors and - glance down the street; the sleeping dogs jump up and begin to bark in a - half-hearted way, but settle themselves comfortably down again before the - last note of the fanfare has passed away, and, except for an occasional - glimpse of a man in a wig crossing the street to the hotel, the Assize - week passes much the same as any other week of the uneventful year. Three - hundred years have passed since anything happened in Mallingham, and then - it was nothing worth talking about. One must go back seven hundred years - to find the town the centre of an historical incident of importance. - </p> - <p> - But the rumour is that Messrs. Williamson & Rubble, drapers and - outfitters, are about to have a new plate-glass front made for both their - shops, with convex corners and roll-up shutters; so Mallingham marches - onward from century to century—slowly. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER EIGHT—THE PUSHING PROVINCIAL TOWN - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0032" id="link2H_4_0032"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I.—THE MODERN METHODS - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE MILD AND - BASHFUL ENTERPRISE of Mallingham is made to look ridiculous when - contrasted with the unblushing business energy of Burford, that bustling - town of twenty thousand inhabitants at the farther end of Nethershire. - Burford lends itself as an awful example of what can be accomplished by - that dynamic element known as “push.” It was born picturesque, but has - since become prosperous. Its Corporation has long ago done away with all - those features of interest to antiquarians which are ineradicable in - Mallington, however earnestly the ambitious Council of the latter may - labour for their annihilation; so although strangers knowing something of - the early history of Burford, come to it expecting to find it the “dear - old quaint place” of the girl with the camera, they bicycle away before - accepting the hospitality offered by the bill of fare displayed in the - broad windows of the double-fronted modern restaurant lately set up by - Messrs. Caterham & Co., of London, where the old conduit house, - mentioned in the guide-books, stood for centuries, in the High Street. The - Corporation are, it is rumoured, meditating the advisability of altering - the name of the High Street into the King's Parade. The sooner they make a - move in this direction the better it will be for all concerned; for - undoubtedly, as the Mayor recently pointed out, the town has passed out of - the category of towns with a High Street, and may claim to be admitted - into the select circle of those with their Royal Avenues and Princes' - Promenades. - </p> - <p> - So why not make a bold step forward with King's Parade? - </p> - <p> - Why not indeed? - </p> - <p> - The invasion of Burford by Messrs. Caterham, with their score of little - marble tables and a choice of four dishes for luncheon, was equivalent to - putting the seal of modernity upon the old High Street; but its claim to - compete in its extent of plate-glass frontage with the most advanced - centres of business enterprise, was long ago proved by the establishment - of Messrs. Shenstone's fine “drapery emporium” (vide advertisements) on - the site of the old Castlegate Inn. It is said that even in the difficult - matter of supplying sables to suit all classes of customers this house can - hold its own with any in the trade. - </p> - <p> - A customer enters with an inquiry for a set of sables. - </p> - <p> - “Forward furs,” the shopwalker commands—he actually is a full - corporal in the Territorials—and the lady finds herself confronted - at the counter by a young man with a Bond Street frock-coat and a Regent - Street smile, who says— - </p> - <p> - “Sables, madam? Certainly.” - </p> - <p> - He leaves her for a few moments and returns with an armful of furs, which - he displays, laying each piece over his arm and smoothing it down as if it - were—well, a sort of cat. - </p> - <p> - “Price, madam?” He refers to a ticket. “Two hundred guineas, madam—all - Russian. Something not quite so expensive? Certainly, madam.” Once again - he goes away and returns with another armful. “These are quite superior - furs, madam. Real sable? Certainly, madam, real Musquash sable. Sixty-five - pounds. Something cheaper, madam? Certainly. I have a very nice line of - inexpensive sables that I think you will like.” He beckons to a young lady - farther up the counter, and she brings him a bundle of tawny skins, which - he displays as before. “A very nice line, madam—very chaste and - showy. Real sable? Oh, certainly—real electric sable, every piece. - Price, madam? Nine guineas, including muff. Something cheaper still? - Certainly, madam.” He climbs up a small and handy ladder and lifts down a - large pasteboard box full of furs. “These, madam—very tasteful—large - amount of wear—sell a great number of these. Real sable? Certainly, - madam, real rabbit sable, thirty-nine and eleven. Something rather less? - Certainly, madam.” He pulls down another box, takes off the lid, and - exposes skins. “Nice lot these, madam, very highly thought of—largely - worn in London this season. Real sable, madam? Certainly, madam—real - ox-tail sable, ten and six the set. Shall we send them? Thank you. What - name, please? Johnston—with the t? Thank you. And the next article, - madam? Oh yes, this afternoon for certain.” - </p> - <p> - That is the sort of business house you find in the High Street, Burford, - in these days; so that there can hardly be a doubt that it is time the - thoroughfare changed its name to King's Parade. If people want genuine - ox-tail sables they will go to a King's Parade for it much more readily - than they would to a High Street. But there is a deeper depth in sables - that a customer can only reach in a Royal Avenue; this is the genuine - charwoman's sable at three and eleven, muff included. Messrs. Shenstone - & Co. are, however, select and conscientious; they will not sell you - as the real article anything that will not bear the closest scrutiny, and - their ox-tail sable marks the limit to which they will go. It may be - foolish in these go-ahead days to have any scruples, but Messrs. Shenstone - are ready to submit to any reproach rather than to give a customer, - however humble, a misleading description of any article. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0033" id="link2H_4_0033"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - II.—LIBRARIANS WHILE YOU WAIT - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>s a matter of - course, Burford has a Public Library of its own. The Corporation had a - chance of acquiring a library that had been in existence for some years: - it had been built as a memorial to her husband by a wealthy lady in the - neighbourhood, and it contained several thousand volumes of the - “improving” sort which were so much in favour with fathers and mothers and - uncles and aunts—in fact, with all manner of people except readers—fifty - or sixty years ago. For purposes of a public library such a collection is - absurd, and should have been consigned to one of the Corporation's rubbish - carts without delay, together with its Encyclopaedias dated 1812. The - books were, however, allowed to encumber the shelves, and there they - remain unto this day, to assist in the culture of much that would interest - an earnest bacteriologist. To the majority of the members of the - Corporation, however, “a book's a book although there's nothing in it,” - and their “library” is packed with books and bacteria, both happily - undisturbed for years. - </p> - <p> - Some time ago a charwoman with a husband was required to sweep the floors - and put the daily papers in their proper frames, and so the Corporation - advertised for a “librarian” and his wife, mentioning the “salary” at - fifty pounds a year. But they did not add, as they might have done, “no - knowledge of books required,” and the consequence was that at the annual - meeting of the Library Association the distinguished President referred to - the advertisement with disparaging comments in respect of the “salary” - offered to the “librarian.” It was not likely that such a reflection upon - the liberality of the Corporation of Burford would be allowed to go to the - world with impunity, so a member who considered himself responsible for - the advertisement and the fixing of the renumeration wrote to the papers, - pointing out that caretaker's rooms were granted to the “librarian” in - addition to his “salary,” so that the Corporation were really munificent - in their offer; but whether they were so or not, they could get plenty of - people to discharge the duties of “librarian” on the conditions set down. - </p> - <p> - He was quite right. The applicants for the coveted post were numerous. - They represented all the out-of-work men in the neighbourhood. Porters, - jobbing gardeners, discharged soldiers with the rank of private, and the - usual casuals applied, and the most eligible of these seemed to be an - ex-soldier: “We should do all we can for old army men,” said one of the - Committee very properly, and so the old soldier stood at attention, - saluted, and became a “librarian.” The ability of the Corporation of - Burford must be admired: they can make any man a librarian in five - minutes; though the general opinion that prevails on the subject is that - long years of careful training are needed to qualify even a man of good - education for the post of librarian! - </p> - <p> - That is where the management of a matter that makes no appeal to the - illiterate becomes a farce in the hands of such a body. What they wanted - was a charwoman with a husband, not a librarian with a wife; but with - traditional pomposity they must needs advertise for a “librarian” with a - “salary.” So far as I can gather, the caretaker can sweep out a library - with any man; but if you ask for any particular book—well, he does - his best. But a man may be an adept with brooms and yet a tyro with books. - He is another of the things that are not what they seem at Burford. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0157.jpg" alt="0157 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0157.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0034" id="link2H_4_0034"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - III.—ARCHÆOLOGICAL ENTERPRISE - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>here is quite a - good Museum at Burford. It was formed, I believe, in the pre-Corporation - days, and so it is under intelligent control. Local antiquities are - represented with some attempt at completeness and classification, and its - educational value would be very great if the people of the neighbourhood - could be induced to give to it some of the time that they devote to - football. A few years ago, however, an irresistible appeal was made to the - culture of the town by the acquisition for the collections of a human hand - from the Solomon Islands. As soon as it was understood that this treasure - had just been added to those in the Museum there was a rush to see it, and - thousands of persons paid their sixpences for a glance at it, and in the - course of a day or two after its arrival it had become the topic of the - place. If you had not seen it you were regarded as a complete outsider. It - was considered a great hardship that visitors were not allowed to touch - this exhibit; for, after all, a look at such an object is unsatisfactory—quite - different from a hearty handshake. To shake such a hand would be - satisfying, it was generally thought, and I have much pleasure in - associating myself with such an expression of opinion. A little of it - would satisfy any but the most grasping nature. - </p> - <p> - It was in this Museum that there reposed for years in one of its glass - cases an interesting exhibit labelled “Fragment of ancient pottery, - probably Saxon, effects of lead glazing still visible.” - </p> - <p> - It was thought to be part of a pitcher, and some ingenious and imaginative - antiquary had made an excellent drawing of the original vessel, showing - the bulge in the body from which the piece had been broken. Many papers - had been written about the fragment, some authorities contending that it - was not of Saxon but Roman origin, and others that, as it had been found - on a part of the coast which had at one time been covered by the sea, it - was almost certain to be of Scandinavian origin: it had been on board one - of the Norse pirate galleys that had harried the whole of the South Coast, - and marks were pointed out along the edge which were said to be the traces - of a rude decoration of Scandinavian design. - </p> - <p> - For years the controversy was carried on with a large display of learning - on all sides, until one day a geologist of distinction visited the Museum, - and announced that the specimen of pottery was a section of a human skull. - A little examination and a comparison of the specimen with an ordinary - human skull showed beyond the possibility of doubt that this view was the - correct one, and the label was changed without delay. But when it became - known that the Museum was in possession of part of a human skull, it was - visited by hundreds of people all anxious to get a glimpse of so - interesting an object, and if possible—but this was rather too much - to hope for—to hold it in their hands; and for weeks the contents of - other cases lay unnoticed. The broken skull was the real attraction. - </p> - <p> - It was an amazingly thick skull: if it had not been so thick it would - probably not have led its original owner to forfeit it, but would have - suggested to him a way of escape from those unfriendly persons who had - deprived him of its use. But the owner would certainly have made a good - show at an old election fight, or have reached a green old age in - Tipperary. - </p> - <p> - I once saw on a shelf in the Museum a piece of old ironwork in the form of - a rushlight holder. So it was labelled, and the date 1609 assigned to it. - It was stated on the label that it was probably the work of a well-known - ironworker of the neighbourhood in which it had been found. I ventured, - however, to differ from this last suggestion, the fact being that this - particular example of seventeenth-century ironwork was not made during - that century or by that craftsman, but by a more crafty person during the - latter years of the reign of Edward the Seventh. My reason for coming to - this conclusion was not the result of the possession on my part of any - special acquaintance with wrought-iron or the methods of the old workers, - but simply because I had been present when the thing was in course of - being forged—in both senses <i>forged.</i> The craftsman had been - called away from his job suddenly, and when I entered his unostentatious - forge there the thing was lying as he had left it, in an unfinished - condition. Some days later I saw it among a heap of scrap iron of various - sorts in his yard, and it rather took my fancy. I pulled it forth and - asked the man if he had any idea what it was. He replied that, so far as - he could remember, an antiquarian gentleman had told him that it was for - holding a rushlight. I looked at it closely and said that I did not think - it was old, and he replied that he didn't believe it to be very old - either; but it wasn't a handsome thing anyway. - </p> - <p> - I threw it down and began to talk about other matters, and the next I saw - of it was in the Museum above its neatly lettered label. - </p> - <p> - I told the craftsman where I had seen it, and he smiled. - </p> - <p> - “It seems that there are people who know more about these ancient old - things than us, sir,” he said. “A man that has a great fancy for his own - opinion came round here shortly after you were here, and I could see that - he had his eye on that thing, though it was lying among the scraps; and - when he had talked long enough to put me off thinking that it had caught - his eye, he picked it up and asked me what I would take for it. I told him - half a sovereign, and he beat me down to three half-crowns. Then he sold - it to Anson in the Corn-market for a pound, and Anson took it to the - Museum and got thirty-five shillings for it. That's the whole story. The - others got a good bit more out of it than me.” - </p> - <p> - “That was a shame,” said I; “considering that you made it, you should have - had the largest share of the profit.” - </p> - <p> - He smiled and said— - </p> - <p> - “I don't complain. What would be the use?” - </p> - <p> - In the same neighbourhood there is another excellent workman. He has - always in the backyard of his house quite a number of antique Sussex - firebacks maturing. He lays down firebacks as wise people lay down wine to - mature. They look absurdly clean and fresh when they come from the place - where he casts them, but time and the oxide of iron soon remedy all those - defects, and when they have been lying rusting for a month or two the - aspect of the design is changed. A rough scrubbing—not too much, but - just enough—and an exposure in a brisk fire to produce the marks of - long years of duty in the sturdy old yeoman's grate, with the crane - swinging over it, and another specimen of the Sussex fireback is ready for - the market. The market is always ready. It will take the sturdy old - yeoman's crane, with its hooks and its levers, as well as his fireback, - and so the industry of the craftsman and the craft of the dealer man are - stimulated. - </p> - <p> - There is still a brisk trade done in the manufacture of ancient flint - weapons—hatchets, spear barbs, arrow-heads, and the like—in - our county, though I have heard that there has been a melancholy falling - off in the volume of business done in this particular line during the past - twenty years. It is never well to be too certain about the treasures one - acquires nowadays, either in iron or flaky flint, but I have heard that - long ago a collector had quite as great reason to be cautious. A large - number of interesting flint weapons were with reasonable luck to be - dredged out of the sand and mud of some rivers. It was only reasonable to - suppose that these things had some thousands of years ago been in active - use in battles fought at the ford, and that they had remained undisturbed - for centuries in the bed of the river. I heard of an eminent archaeologist - having acquired quite a number of these implements bearing unmistakable - signs of antiquity. They had been dredged out of the Thames from time to - time, he heard. Unfortunately he mentioned this fact to a dealer who had - also heard of these dredgings, and offered to lend him the collection for - examination. The first experiment upon them was the last. They had only to - be boiled in a strong solution of soda to have their true character—their - false character—revealed. When taken out of the kettle the things - were as fresh as if made the day before. They had not been made the day - before, but they had certainly been made within the year. They were - nothing more than flaky fakes. - </p> - <p> - After all, it is safer for a tradesman to use his own imagination in the - preparation of his wares than to ask his customers to use theirs. For - instance a dealer in curious things, in Burford, seeing some funny wooden - dolls in a shop window, bought the whole five and then used up some scraps - of old brocade and remnants of Genoa velvet in dressing them in costumes - to be found in the recognised authority. He exposed them for sale sitting - in a row, and very amazing they must have appeared. - </p> - <p> - “Quaint things, are they not? Mediaeval puppets. I don't know that I ever - saw the like before. Of course you see what they are meant to represent? - Why, the Five Senses, to be sure. Fifteen guineas for the five. If I don't - sell them at once I'll send them to the Victoria and Albert Museum. - They'll jump at them.” - </p> - <p> - “I shouldn't mind buying one of them,” said the customer; “but I could not - do with the whole five.” - </p> - <p> - “Sorry, sir; but you could scarcely ask me to break the set—I don't - believe there is another set in existence,” said the dealer. - </p> - <p> - “I think you might let me have one. I have bought a lot of things from you - from time to time.” - </p> - <p> - “I should like to, sir—yes, I should indeed like you to have one, - but—you see the whole beauty of the set is that it is a set—the - Five Senses.” - </p> - <p> - Some further conversation ensued, and at last the dealer showed himself to - be less inflexible than he had been at first, and the customer secured one - of the mediaeval curiosities for four pounds. - </p> - <p> - A few days later another customer called and duly inspected the four - remaining dolls. - </p> - <p> - “Very curious, sir—very unique, I think. Of course you see the idea, - sir—the Four Seasons. Fifteenth-century Venetian, I should say. You - can see the bit of brocade—old Venetian beyond a question. I wish I - had half a dozen yards of it. Twenty guineas I'm asking for the set. I'm - afraid I couldn't break the set. It's hardly fair to ask me, sir.” - </p> - <p> - But eventually he yielded to the importunity of the customer and got five - guineas for a second of his creations. - </p> - <p> - “Singular things, sir—Early Italian Church puppets beyond doubt. - They used to dress them fantastically and stand them on the altar, I - believe. You observe the symbolic character of the set, sir—the - Trinity. Votive offerings and that, you know. Even in the present day you - see such things at wayside shrines in Catholic countries. I'm afraid it - would spoil the set to sell one out of the three, sir. You had better take - the three now that you have the chance. Very unique, I call them, and only - eighteen pounds for the three.” - </p> - <p> - But the man had no use for the three, and after some haggling he got the - one he wanted for £5, 10s. - </p> - <p> - “And then there were two,” as the story of the ten little nigger boys has - it. - </p> - <p> - “Church pieces, madam. Fourteenth-century Spanish—the embroidery is - Spanish, I am sure. I wish I had a yard of it. Adam and Eve they are meant - to represent,” etc. etc. - </p> - <p> - It seemed as if no one could do with more than one of these “very unique” - treasures; so he was forced to let the lady separate our first parents, - paying five pounds for making the divorce decree absolute. - </p> - <p> - Before the end of the week he had sold a unique example of a Flemish doll—“One - may see the like in some of Teniers' pictures. They treasure them up from - generation to generation in the houses of the old nobility. It is very - rarely that one gets into the market. You see they regard it as a matter - of family honour never to sell one of them.” - </p> - <p> - He sold it for six pounds, and took his wife to a theatre where, curiously - enough, the diverting play of <i>La Poupée</i> was being performed. It is - a diverting play, but not, I think, “absolutely unique.” - </p> - <p> - It will be gathered from these instances of local business enterprise how - amply the modern spirit of making the most of one's opportunities of - “getting on” is represented among the commercial population of Burford. - Its manufacturers may be divided into two classes: the makers and the - fakers, and it is generally understood that the latter make the most - money. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER NINE—RED-TILED SOCIETY - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0036" id="link2H_4_0036"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I.—THE ILLUSTRIOUS STRANGER - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>LL THINGS ARE NOT - WHAT THEY SEEM at Burford, as I have ventured to suggest. But the majority - of the inhabitants think that they are. Probably at one time they were; - but with the development of the spirit of modern enterprise in the town a - new complexion has been put upon various features associated with the - daily life of the place, so that one needs to go beneath the surface of - things in general in order to find out what they really are. - </p> - <p> - It was literally the new complexion put upon a very ordinary commercial - undertaking that caused some of the most self-respecting of the - inhabitants to forget themselves upon one occasion a year or two ago. To - be sure, they had done nothing that should have caused even the most - susceptible a qualm; but they thought they had, and this impression was - strengthened by the attitude of a good many of their friends, so that the - result was just as unpleasant to them as if they had been guilty of some - gross piece of foolishness. - </p> - <p> - The circumstances of this new complexion must be dealt with in detail in - order to be fully appreciated by people outside Burford. - </p> - <p> - When an announcement appeared in the local newspapers that the town would - shortly be visited by a distinguished Hindu, the Cachar of Darjeeling, a - considerable amount of excitement was caused in the best circles of - Burford Society—the best circles, it is scarcely necessary to say, - are those that have their centre somewhere in the new quarter, the bright - red-brick villa quarter of the town—and every one was inquiring what - Mrs. Paston would do in the matter. Mrs. Paston had obtained in many - quarters an ample recognition of her authority as <i>arbiter elegantarium</i>, - and her lead in social matters was regarded as inevitable even by those - who could not conscientiously accept her dicta as the last word on every - point. - </p> - <p> - What will Mrs. Paston do when the Cachar of Darjeeling comes to Burford? - That was the question which people asked of one another over cups of tea - with occasional muffins; and the result of many conferences under these or - similar conditions was a resolution that a deputation of ladies appointed - themselves to wait on her, one at a time, to learn what she really meant - to do. - </p> - <p> - But it seemed that Mrs. Paston had not quite made up her mind on the - matter. The Cachar of Darjeeling is, of course, a prince—quite as - much a prince as the others one hears about—begums, sowdars, rajahs, - jams, ranees, gaekwars, khansamahs—all referred to by Mr. Kipling; - and, of course, being a prince, he was, <i>ex officio</i>, eligible to be - received even by the best people in Burford. To be sure, she had heard it - said that—that—but for that matter there was as much - wickedness at home, if people only took the trouble to look for it; and - there was no need for people with daughters to put them forward in the - presence of distinguished strangers, whether Indian princes or Austrian - counts. - </p> - <p> - That was how Mrs. Paston took the various deputations of one into her - confidence when they endeavoured to find out what she meant to do in - regard to the coming visit of the distinguished Oriental, and they - interpreted her mystic phrases as meaning that she meant to keep the - Prince to herself. Within a few days the Cachar had come to be alluded to - as “the Prince.” In the English provinces practically every man of colour - is accepted as a prince—it is a courtesy title, pretty much the same - as the title of Madame which goes with a bonnet shop in the West End. Even - the dusky person who accompanies the clergyman to the platform when a - lecture is about to be given upon missionary work in the East, is referred - to as “the Prince” that being the sanctioned English equivalent to his - native title, which conveys nothing to the general public. - </p> - <p> - Yes, it seemed pretty clear that Mrs. Paston intended to keep the - distinguished visitor to herself—that was why she made herself - ambiguous when approached on the subject of his reception. - </p> - <p> - But there were other authorities besides Mrs. Pas-ton, and one of them was - Mrs. Maxwell. She was the wife of a retired Indian Civil Servant, and the - <i>quasi</i> Reception Committee showed some eagerness to learn what her - attitude would be in regard to the coming Cachar of Darjeeling. - </p> - <p> - But Mrs. Maxwell said that her husband thought there had as usual been - some misprint or mixing up of words in the paper, for he had never heard - of the Cachar of Darjeeling; though there was a place named Cachar, and it - was in Darjeeling, and very likely there was a prince or whatever they - chose to call him in the neighbourhood. - </p> - <p> - This was not getting much farther on in the solution of the question that - agitated the red-tiled group of Burford Society. It was pointed out by one - sagacious lady that the fact of there being a place named Cachar in - Darjeeling did not make it impossible that there should be a title of - Cachar. They had not to go far from home for an example of this. Was there - not a Lochiel in Scotland, and yet Lochiel was a place? Was there not a - Magillicuddy in Ireland, and Magillicuddy was a mountain? It was pretty - obvious that both Mrs. Maxwell and Mrs. Paston were temporising with the - Committee; each was doing her best to put the others off the idea of - leaving cards upon the Cachar, hoping to take him under her own wing and - keep him there. - </p> - <p> - That was the opinion of more than one of the inquirers, and a good deal of - bitterness was occasioned by the reticence of the leaders. But no one - seemed to know what was the object of the Princes visit to Burford, how - long it was going to last, or with whom he meant to stay. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0037" id="link2H_4_0037"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - II.—THE PRINCE'S PARADE - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>nd then suddenly a - stranger of dusky complexion and wearing flowing robes and a splendid - turban set with precious stones appeared on foot in the High Street. He - seemed greatly interested in the place, for he kept parading the leading - thoroughfare and several of its byways practically the whole of the - morning, so that he could scarcely escape the notice of all the residents - who were in the town; no one failed to see him or to learn that he had - taken lunch at Messrs. Caterham's new restaurant. - </p> - <p> - An hour later Mrs. Paston drove up to Caterham's. She inquired of one of - the young ladies if the Cachar had rooms in the adjoining hotel, and - learned that he was resting in the private room at the back of the - restaurant. - </p> - <p> - She at once sent in her card. - </p> - <p> - Hardly had she done so when Mrs. Lake entered and greeted her—Mrs. - Lake was another of the red-tiled residents—saying—“I hear - that the Prince is here. I suppose you have sent your card to him—I - am sending mine. It is our duty, I think, to show some civility to such a - visitor. My brother, you know, is intimately associated with India—Woods - and Forests, you know.” - </p> - <p> - She passed her card to the young lady, and smiled at Mrs. Paston in a way - that was meant to assure her that she was mistaken if she fancied that she - was to have the Prince all to herself. - </p> - <p> - “I am sure that the Prince will be delighted to hear that your brother is - in—— What did you say he was in?” asked Mrs. Paston sweetly. - </p> - <p> - “Woods and Forests—the most important Department in all India,” said - the other. “My brother would never forgive me if I allowed the Prince to - come here without showing him some civility.” - </p> - <p> - They were going together to the door when they found themselves face to - face with Mrs. Markham and her daughter, both dressed as if for a garden - party, and close behind them came Major Sowerby of the Territorials and - his son, for whom he had been unsuccessfully trying to get a billet for - the previous two years. - </p> - <p> - “Glad to see you here, Mrs. Paston,” cried the Major heartily. “Yes, I - maintain that it is our duty to welcome—to stretch out a right hand - of greeting to the natives of our great Dependency—one Empire—one - Flag—hands across the sea—that's what I have always advocated. - I am wondering if he couldn't do something for my Teddy here. I believe - these rajahs and memsahibs and cachars have got no end of money—rupees—the - old Pagoda tree and that. Teddy can turn his hand to anything.” - </p> - <p> - The expression of his excellent patriotic sentiments was interrupted by - the arrival of nearly all the members of the Committee of inquiry, and a - card-case was in the hand of every one of them, and other ladies of the - élite were hurrying down the street, plainly making the restaurant their - objective. Within a quarter of an hour a whole salver of cards had been - taken charge of by the young lady, some of them bearing a few pencilled - words: “Hoping to be honoured by a visit,” “At home every day this week at - 4,” “Trusting to obtain permission to receive H.H. the Cachar,” and the - like. Mrs. Lake had written on hers, “Sister of Mr. George Barnes, Woods - and Forests Dept.,” and Major Sowerby had put in parenthesis under his - son's name, “Ellison prizeman at Routilla College, Eastbourne.” - </p> - <p> - The next day the Prince appeared once again promenading the High Street. - He was a man of fine presence, of a rich ruddy brown complexion and a - black beard and moustache, and his turban was a sight! It contained a - central diamond little inferior in size to the Koh-i-noor, and on each - side of it was a pigeon's egg ruby—a lady who saw it called it a - pigeon's blood ruby lest there should be any mistake: a casual glance of - some one who did not know all about these great jewels might convey the - impression that it was only a bantam's blood ruby, which was quite an - inferior stone. He had an air of distinction which caused him to be - greatly admired, and yet he was so devoid of any foolish pride that he did - not hesitate to chat quite pleasantly to one of the young ladies in - Caterham's. (Mrs! Paston, hearing this, expressed the hope that the young - lady would be very careful. But Major Sowerby, when it reached his ears, - said he hoped the Prince would be careful. Mrs. Markham said nothing, but - glanced hopefully at her daughter.) - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0175.jpg" alt="0175 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0175.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - All the ladies remained under their rosy tiles that afternoon, and all the - maids were supplied with the whitest of caps and aprons. Tea was delayed - in every house for three-quarters of an hour: there was no knowing what - might happen. But nothing happened. The Cachar of Darjeeling was clearly - feeling the embarrassment of having to respond to a welcome offered in - such plurality; though Mrs. Paston thought that surely one of the young - ladies in Caterham's would have told him to whom he should give precedence - in making his calls. Every other lady was of the same opinion. - </p> - <p> - Mrs. Paston thought it but right that she should give the Prince some - encouragement, so she wrote a little note to him inviting his confidence - as to his plans, and hoping that he might be able to lunch with her the - next day, when she would have great pleasure in driving him to Lady - Collingby's annual Flower Show. Four other ladies addressed notes to him - expressing precisely the same sentiments, and all set out to deliver them - at Caterham's with their own hands, to save the delay of a post. - </p> - <p> - They entered Caterham's almost simultaneously, without noticing that the - hoarding which had been built about the next door premises while a - plate-glass front of noble design was being set in its place had been - removed. And when they inquired for the Cachar, the young lady said—“He - is in the new shop—you go through the arch on the left.” - </p> - <p> - There was a Norman arch of lath and plaster enriched by insets of highly - decorated Lincrusta—the paper-hangmen had just left it—in the - partition wall; through it the ladies went and found themselves in a - spacious shop with a profusion of cheap specimens of Oriental china on - lacquer brackets about the walls, and an all-pervading smell of freshly - roasted coffee. It was clearly the newly acquired premises of the - enterprising Messrs. Caterham, which they meant to run as a shop for the - sale of Indian tea and West Indian coffee—the “Old Flag” was their - trade-mark—and a brisk sale of half-pound and quarter-pound packets - was going on at the counter. - </p> - <p> - So much the ladies who had just entered could see; but a moment after they - had taken their first illuminating glance round the place they stood with - their eyes fixed upon one of the most prominent objects of the place—the - bustling figure of the Cachar of Darjeeling in native dress, turban and - jewels and all, tying up parcels of tea behind the counter, and testing - the coins which the crowd of customers tendered in payment before pulling - the bell-ringing drawer of the cash register! - </p> - <p> - The enterprise of Messrs. Caterham had suggested to them the advertising - attraction in the form of a full-robed Oriental at the head of their new - tea department. They had promoted one of their old hands—he came - from the East End of London—to the post, and having “made up” under - the guidance of one of Messrs. Nathan's most highly qualified assistants, - Messrs. Caterham were perhaps not going too far when they asserted in - their advertisements that the tea trade of Burford would assume an - entirely new complexion. - </p> - <p> - The ladies gazed in horrible fascination upon the impostor—at the - moment they were unable to differentiate between an advertisement and an - impostor—for nearly a whole minute, and then they turned and walked - slowly away without exchanging a word. - </p> - <p> - Mrs. Paston left Burford the next day, having been ordered by her medical - adviser to Buxton. But Major Sowerby picked out his most serviceable - Malacca cane, and was heard to declare, while trying its balance in - downward strokes from left to right, that he had only to come across that - scoundrel who called himself by the honourable title of a loyal Indian - potentate in order to teach him a lesson that he would remember so long as - he had breath in his body. - </p> - <p> - The general impression that prevailed throughout Burford, however, so soon - as the story of the exclusive ladies and their Indian prince was in full - circulation—and it did not take long to pass round the town—was - that the incident should teach a lesson to a good many people who take it - upon them to lead the red-tiled society of the new town. - </p> - <p> - But whether they learn any lesson or not, there seems to be a consensus of - opinion that the sooner the name of the High Street is changed to Prince's - Parade the better it will be for the town, Messrs. Caterham, and, - incidentally, Mr. Isaac Moss, professionally known as the Cachar of - Darjeeling. (As a matter of fact, there are already several people not - belonging to the governing classes who, ever since the episode just - recorded, have invariably alluded to the lower part of the High Street—that - part which has been annexed by Messrs. Caterham—as the Prince's - Parade.) - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER TEN—LESSER ENGLISH COUNTRY TOWNS - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0039" id="link2H_4_0039"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I.—STARKIE AND THE STATES - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> REMEMBER WITH - WHAT ADROITNESS several years ago a distinguished dramatist explained to a - pressing interviewer what was his intention in writing a certain play of - his which was being widely discussed in many directions. It was merely to - show how dangerous it was for any man to wander off the beaten track, he - said: “A man must keep in line with his fellow-men if he hopes to avoid - disaster”—and so forth. The explanation was no doubt accounted quite - satisfactory by such persons as had been perturbed on the matter to which - it referred. - </p> - <p> - It certainly would have been accepted with every token of assent by the - majority of the inhabitants of the lesser English country towns. They - regard as highly dangerous to the community the least departure from the - primrose path of the commonplace. They have a hymn which goes— - </p> - <p> - <br /> - </p> - <p class="indent20"> - “We are travelling home to God - </p> - <p class="indent20"> - In the way our fathers trod, - </p> - <p class="indent20"> - They are happy now, and we - </p> - <p class="indent20"> - Soon their happiness shall see.” - </p> - <p> - <br /> <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0185.jpg" alt="0185 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0185.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - The stanza embodies their highest aspirations; and really, when one comes - to consider the whole matter, one could hardly formulate a more - satisfactory walk of life; only it is a walk, not a race, and some people - (outside a country town) look to go through life at a faster pace. “In the - way our fathers trod”—that is the sound motto of the country town, - and the man who tries to get out of the old ruts is looked upon with - suspicion by the sensible people to whom he may allude as old rutters or - even old rotters. - </p> - <p> - A middle-aged inhabitant of a town nearly twice as large as our Mallingham - was greatly impressed with this truth by an incident which had just come - under his notice when I had occasion to call upon him some time ago. He - told me that he had been visited by a former townsman of his, but one whom - he had not seen for more than fifteen years. - </p> - <p> - “No, you wouldn't remember Joseph Starkie, old Sol Starkie's son,” he said - to me in the course of his narrative. “It was before you came to county. - Queer restless chap was Joe always.” - </p> - <p> - “Is he any relation to the Starkie who invented the magnetic lathe that is - used everywhere in the States?” I inquired. - </p> - <p> - “I shouldn't wonder,” he replied, as if making a sad admission. “Yes, I - believe he said something about it when he was with me. He was just that - sort of chap—so restless and dissatisfied always—wanting to do - things differently from how they had always been done. His father was a - most respectable man, however, in the hardware line, and Joe was too much - for him: he packed him off to an uncle in the States, and there he has - been ever since, he told me. “Sad—very sad! His father had quite a - nice little business here, and if Joe had only settled down reasonably he - might have succeeded to it and done well.” - </p> - <p> - “It strikes me that he has done pretty well elsewhere,” said I. “His name - is well known in every machine shop in the States.” - </p> - <p> - “Is that so? Well, maybe so; but that's not like having a comfortable - place at home. Why, he might even have had a seat at the Town Council or - the Water Board in time. When he came in here to-day I knew him at once; - but I wasn't too eager with him until I saw from his way that he hadn't - come to borrow money, as I feared at first. He wanted to inquire about - some of his old associates, and he knew that I could tell him. 'Where's - Johnnie Vance?' he asked. 'I looked in at his old office just now and no - one seemed disposed to tell me.' I shook my head and pointed up the road. - He saw what I meant. 'Jail?' he whispered. 'Jail? What was the trouble?' - 'Embezzlement,' I told him. 'Well, well, who would have thought it?' he - said. 'And maybe you can tell me if Willie Rossiter is still in his old - crib,' he asked. I shook my head. 'Don't tell me that he's in jail too,' - he cried. 'No, no—at least, not exactly. I want to be fair to every - one. It's not jail, only the asylum.' 'What!' he said. 'Willie Rossiter—the - asylum? How did it come about—an accident?' It went against my grain - to tell him that it was drink, but he pressed me and I had to do it; and - then he went on to talk about the old town for some time, but I could see - that he had another friend to ask about. He pretended to be at the point - of going and then suddenly to remember that there was somebody else. Jimmy - Gray—it was Jimmy Gray. 'By the bye,' he said, 'I wonder if old - Jimmy Gray is still knocking about.' I smiled. 'No, he's not doing much - knocking about just now,' I told him. 'Not dead?' he asked. 'Oh no,' said - I; 'only he has just taken rooms in the Bridgend Hotel.' 'What! the - workhouse?' he cried. 'The workhouse indeed,' said I. 'And nobody would - have known anything about it if he hadn't made a fool of himself writing - to the Board of Guardians complaining that he had been kept waiting for a - quarter of an hour when he had applied for admission.' That was the last - of his inquiries after his old friends. But they had all been restless - chaps like himself—not settling down to anything properly. Still, he - didn't ask me to lend him any money, and that was something.” - </p> - <p> - I could scarcely fail to see that this exemplary citizen felt keenly the - value of the dramatist's suggestion, that it is very dangerous for a man - to fall out of line with the rest of the community. Social laws exist for - the community, not for the individual. At the same time, I was not so - firmly convinced as my friend seemed to be that Mr. Starkie's career could - be pointed to as a notable instance of the peril of marching out of the - way our fathers trod. He had declined to yield to the influences of the - magnet that “hung in the hardware shop” of his father, and had so forsaken - the two hundred a year and the obscurity of his native town for the - million dollars which he had earned by his inventions in Pennsylvania, to - say nothing of the fame which accrues to an inventor who knows how to put - his inventions on the market; so that there might really be some people - ready to assert that Joe Starkie's restlessness suggested that a - divergence from the scheme of the Red-man on the warpath, who is careful - to step into the footprints of the man who goes before him, may now and - again be advisable. I did not say so to my exemplary citizen, however; for - the fame of Joe Starkie had not yet reached the place of his nativity, and - the exemplary citizen might have asked me what about Joe Starkie's old - friends who were now sojourning in various public institutions, and he - would not have been satisfied with my replying to the effect that they had - stayed at home, and were suffering for it. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0040" id="link2H_4_0040"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - II.—OUR FATHERS' FOOTSTEPS - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>n the way our - fathers trod”—that seems to be the proud boast of the English - country towns, and I am not sure that it is not a worthy one, though its - application to certain cases is certainly humorous. I remember revisiting - a town where I had once lived, and getting into conversation with an - elderly and well-to-do inhabitant. I mentioned having met in London a - surgeon who had been born in and lived in the town. He certainly enjoyed - the largest practice in London, and, in addition to the K.C.B., bore as - many continental orders as permitted of his wearing (which he did) a very - dingy dress-coat without its dinginess being perceptible. His reputation - had, however, eluded the cognizance of his native town. - </p> - <p> - “What a fool he was to go off to London, when he might have done so well - here,” was the comment of the elderly citizen upon my proud boast that I - had met Sir William in London. “If he had only held on here he might by - this time have got the best dispensary in the town.” - </p> - <p> - I did not doubt it. - </p> - <p> - He took the same view in regard to the career of another eminent townsman, - who, I mentioned, had just been made an F.R.S. - </p> - <p> - “If he had been wise and carried on his father's business here he might - have been a J.P. by now,” was his solemn comment. - </p> - <p> - I thought it better to refrain from any further remarks, lest I should be - made to feel more acutely than I did all that I had forfeited by my - premature departure from a town that offered such prizes for obscurity. - </p> - <p> - There are still a large number of country towns in England where the - feeling still remains that any departure from their precincts is, if not - absolutely fatal, at any rate risky. I have met people in more than one - town who looked on a man's going to America as equivalent to absconding. I - suppose most of these places have some foundation of their own for the - tradition. It is quite plausible that, seventy or eighty or even a hundred - years ago, some wild young men may have found a voyage to America to offer - them a satisfactory alternative to an appearance behind the spikes of the - dock of the County Court-House, and America got a bad name in consequence, - being looked on as a continent peopled by men who had gone wrong at home. - However this may be, I must confess that I was startled, when I first came - to Thurswell and mentioned that I heard that a young man who had played a - good deal of lawn-tennis during the summer was going to the States, by the - inquiry— - </p> - <p> - “Why, what has he been doing anyway?” - </p> - <p> - It did not come from one of the rustic population, but from a tradesman in - quite a good way of business—a considerable proportion of it in - canned provisions into the bargain. - </p> - <p> - I believe that when Dr. Watson, the author of <i>Beside the Bonnie Brier - Bush</i>, went on his first lecturing tour to America, the financial - results of which were so satisfactory, an impression prevailed in certain - directions that the act was unworthy of a clergyman of the Presbyterian - Church, and he was made the object of a severe attack in some quarters. - </p> - <p> - One can easily appreciate the attitude of people who have lived all their - lives in an English country town in regard to the restless members of a - family. One has only to walk through a churchyard and read the names on - the tombs to understand how deeply rooted in the soil are the people. So - far as Thurs-well and Mallingham are concerned, a stroll through one of - the churchyards is almost equivalent to studying a directory. The same - names as are cut upon the tombs—some of them going back a hundred - and fifty years—are to be seen over the shop windows to-day and on - the dairy carts and the farm carts. In some cases the name of a yeoman - ancestor reappears in a Grand Jury list, indicating a material advance in - the social scale. The migration that has been going on in our county for - the past two hundred years seems to be interparochial. Individuals moved - from village to village and from village to town. It is only within the - past twenty-five or thirty years that the ablest and the best have - occasionally braved public opinion and set sail for a colony. - </p> - <p> - Even families that have “got on” seem to love to cling to the county which - saw the very small beginnings of their ancestors. Why should they not? - Love of one's county is only a subdivision of the grand virtue of love of - one's country. It was only when a certain aged doctor, who had the family - history of our neighbourhood at his fingers' ends for over sixty years, - published a volume of interesting reminiscences, in the course of which he - took occasion to refer to the very humble beginnings of some families that - considered themselves very “swagger,” that we learned how tenaciously they - had clung to their county. Even the slow-moving Mallingham is not without - its romances of “getting on.” One of the most intrepid motorists in the - borough is remembered by several middle-aged burgesses as the wearer of - the green baize apron and the wielder of the broom of the caretaker and - window-cleaner of a solicitor's office; and from what I know of him I am - inclined to believe that that was the best kept office in the town when he - had charge of it. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER ELEVEN—THE CATHEDRAL TOWN - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0042" id="link2H_4_0042"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I.—IN THE SHADOW OF THE MINSTER - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">B</span>ROADMINSTER IS ONE - OF THE LESSER cathedral towns of England. There is nothing remarkable - about the Minster except its antiquity. It does not convey the idea of - vastness as do some of these venerable buildings. One would never imagine - oneself in the midst of a petrified forest on passing through the porch. - The carving about the pillars does not suggest lacework in stone, though - it is admirable in its way, and the screen shows signs of having been - “restored” in the days when restoration meant spoliation. The coloured - glass of the windows is not especially good, but the oldest is undoubtedly - the best. The modern memorial windows were apparently estimated for and - the specification of the lowest-priced competitor accepted; but, really, - the Chapter should have prevented the perpetration of such a blunder as - that of the artist who, in his representation of the entrance to the - sacred tomb, with the sleeping Roman guards on each side, put a crescent - moon in the very blue sky! But for that matter, when I pointed out the - mistake to one of the higher canons, he did not perceive for some time - that the Paschal moon was bound to be within a few days of the full. - </p> - <p> - The old Minster is, however, worthy of every respect, if it does not quite - inspire such feelings of reverence and awe as does Westminster Abbey or - Canterbury or Durham or Santa Croce at Florence. One feels that it is the - sort of building one can trust. It is solid throughout, and that is - something. I remember years ago, when I was lecturing a long-suffering - group on the marvels of Milan, calling attention to the wonderful scheme - of lighting by which the High Altar was made the centre of illumination, I - observed some shadows of the stone spandrels on the roof for which I could - not account. There the light spines and ridges flowed upward to meet at - the apex, and there the shadows slept, increasing the effect amazingly. - Only after some patient investigation did I find that the groins were - painted on the woodwork to imitate the stone where the stonework ended! - </p> - <p> - If there is nothing to wonder at in the interior of Broadminster, there is - at least something to trust. It is sound throughout. - </p> - <p> - But why, oh! why, should that old woman be allowed to stand just outside - the porch with a basket of nuts on her arm, offering them for sale to all - visitors? - </p> - <p> - A stranger within our gates was puzzled by this apparition at the door of - the church. He had just come from London, and he had been taken to the - Zoo. He looked for some reason for the nuts at Broadminster—reason - and consistency. If nuts, why not buns, he wished me to explain to him. - </p> - <p> - I felt incapable of clearing away this mystery. I could not tell him, - under the shadow of the sacred building, the legend that I invented to - account for the nuts, but I told him in full when we got away from that - influence of veracity: it had to do with a crusader who, forsaken by his - comrades in the Lebanon, was forced to sustain himself with nuts, and - vowed that if ever he should get back to England he would endow a Minster - and decree that nuts should be offered at the porch between prime and - angelus every day for a thousand years. He kept his vow, hence—— - </p> - <p> - That was eight hundred and eighty-two years ago, so that only one hundred - and twenty of the vow had yet to run, and then—— - </p> - <p> - He was barely satisfied with this explanation. I could scarcely blame him: - it did not satisfy myself. - </p> - <p> - There are some people who think that the best part of St. Ursula—the - Minster is dedicated to St. Ursula—is the Close. The Deanery, and - the residences of the canons, major and minor, and all the officials of - the Cathedral, lay as well as clerical, stand on two sides of a square, - with the old building in the centre. Green meadows with a glimpse of green - hills beyond are on the other sides of the square, and just behind the - houses of the Close flows the Avonbeck, a narrow winding river in which - trout may be caught by the dozen by the least skilful fisherman. - </p> - <p> - The beautiful gardens of the Close slope down to the banks of the river. - </p> - <p> - I was told a pathetic story by the wife of one of the dignitaries - respecting a young man who had never any especial leaning for the Church - as a career, but who made up his mind, when he saw this Close and walked - through the gardens and fished in the Avonbeck, that the Church was the - only possible profession for him. He went through the usual course, was - ordained, and appointed to a parish in a slum in the Midlands, where he - has remained ever since—and that was twenty-five years ago. - </p> - <p> - Equally pathetic, however, to some people may be the case of the clergyman - who practically started life as one of the lesser dignitaries of the - Cathedral and has remained there ever since—and that was thirty-five - years ago. It was said that he was once a good preacher, and even now he - seldom falls more than a couple of tones in going from the Responses to - the Prayers. He began with high ideas regarding Greek texts, but now he - devotes himself to Canadian trout. He has great hopes, he told me, for the - future of Canadian trout. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0043" id="link2H_4_0043"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - II.—THE NEW PALACE - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he Palace of the - Bishop of Broadminster is not, of course, among the buildings of the - Close. It stands in its own grounds about two miles away, and it bears - tokens of having been built within the last quarter of a century. It did - not start life as a palace, but as the country house of a business man in - a bustling town. The story of how it became the Palace is a curious one. - </p> - <p> - The original Palace was a big square barrack of a place, costing a great - deal to keep up and giving no adequate return for its upkeep. It was a - survival of the days when a bishop was expected to maintain a retinue of - servants and never to go out for a quiet drive unless four horses were - harnessed to the coach. The stables were built to accommodate twenty-two - horses: it seemed to be understood that no self-respecting bishop could do - with less, so long-lived are the Church traditions of the Middle Ages; and - the servant retinue was expected to be maintained in the same proportion. - The consequence was that the revenues of the diocese were quite - insufficient to do more than keep up the place; they left nothing over for - the poor Bishop himself, who could do very well with a 15 h.p. motor and a - garage 25' x 15', a single chauffeur, and a gardener, instead of six - horses, a coachman, an under-coachman, four grooms, and nine gardeners. - </p> - <p> - Every now and again the question of the requirements of the Palace as - opposed to the requirements of the Bishop was cropping up, and certain - newspapers published letters from ignorant and irresponsible - correspondents in which the phrases “bloated revenues,” “princely - prelates,” “modern Wolseys,” and the like recurred, particular emphasis - being laid upon the fact that his lordship kept no fewer than eleven - gardeners—a very moderate exaggeration—for his own personal - gratification as a horticulturist. And all this was very harassing for the - poor Bishop. - </p> - <p> - Now in the years when the upkeep of both the Bishop and the Palace was - becoming a serious problem, there was living in a bustling manufacturing - town a hundred miles from Broadminster a quiet little business man named - Robinson. He had begun life in a rather small way; but before he was - forty, having no expensive tastes and being engaged in a lucrative - business, he had made a fortune—not, of course, such a fortune as - may be made in the United States in these days, but still a fortune for an - English provincial town. It so happened that he lodged with two maiden - sisters slightly older than himself, and when he was about fifty he asked - the elder to marry him. She agreed, and married they were. - </p> - <p> - After living a year or two in the house in which he had lodged they - started a one-horse brougham, and a little later Mrs. Robinson had a fancy - to live in the country; and as her husband invariably thought as she did - on every subject, he at once set about building a house that would always - be worth (his architect assured him) the money he spent upon it. Mrs. - Robinson being a pious woman and liking the Cathedral service, the site of - the house should be, they determined, within easy reach of Broadminster. - </p> - <p> - It was an admirable house when it was finished, and the three-acre garden - could easily be managed by one man and a boy. This was in the days when a - financial episode, known as the brewery boom, was beginning to be felt - throughout the country, and it was known that Mr. Robinson had made as - much in a week out of brewery shares as paid for the house he had built - and the gardens that had been laid out for him by a competent landscape - architect. And on the first morning that he breakfasted in their new home - he presented his wife with the title-deeds of the whole, and made over the - furniture to her as well. - </p> - <p> - For five years they lived there in great happiness, and it was known that - they were devoted to each other; but before they entered on their sixth - year Mrs. Robinson died, and her husband found that she had made a will - leaving the house and grounds and furniture to the Church authorities—whoever - they were—for the use of the existing Bishop of Broadminster and his - successors for ever. - </p> - <p> - It appeared that Mrs. Robinson had become aware of the Palace difficulty, - and made up her mind that she should do her best to solve the question of - providing a reasonable residence for the Bishop in place of that - insatiable monstrous barrack which he had been compelled to occupy, and - upon which he was forced to spend every penny of his income. - </p> - <p> - Although the will rather startled Mr. Robinson—for his wife had not - confided in him that it was her intention to provide for the Bishop and - his successors—he had no fault to find with it. He confessed to a - friend that his dear wife had solved a question that might have perplexed - himself; for he had no relative to whom he might reasonably be expected to - leave the place. - </p> - <p> - But before many days had passed he received a message from the - ecclesiastical solicitors begging him to have the goodness to let them - know at his convenience when it would suit him to give their clients - possession of the house: and then he was really startled. A visit to his - own solicitor made him aware of the fact that no provision had been made - in his wife's will for allowing him to continue residing in the house or - using the furniture therein—that he was, in fact, a trespasser in - the house that he had built for himself! - </p> - <p> - A little thought, however, convinced him that as soon as the facts of the - case became known to the Church authorities there would be no trouble in - obtaining their consent to his remaining on in the house; but it soon - appeared that he had been rather too sanguine on this point. It was - explained to him that the authorities were unfortunately left without any - option in the matter, and possession of the place must be given to them - within three months, rent for this period to be paid by him at a rate that - might be agreed between his solicitor and themselves. They were - ecclesiastically courteous, but legally firm, and so Mr. Robinson had to - leave the house on which he had spent many hours of loving and intelligent - thought the gardens to which he had given particular attention while they - were being laid out, and the furniture which he had selected piece by - piece from the best makers. - </p> - <p> - He was allowed to take away his own clothes, however, and he began to feel - that this was a concession. - </p> - <p> - He went to Lausanne and died there a few years later, leaving about a - hundred thousand pounds to various charities, but none of them having any - connection with Broadminster. - </p> - <p> - Before the end of the year in which the property was acquired by the - Church it became the Palace, Broadminster: previously it had been called - Leighside Hall. - </p> - <p> - And from that day it is understood that the Bishop has been saving money - to make up for the years which the early locust abode of his had eaten. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0044" id="link2H_4_0044"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - III.—ANTE-MORTEM GENEROSITY - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">C</span>uriously enough, - there stands within view of the new Palace another house with a history - attached to it which may strike some people as illustrating, with a humour - that is still more grim, the inconvenience resulting from ante-mortem - generosity on a large scale: post-mortem generosity may occasionally be - risky, but its display on even the most lavish scale has never been known - to cause any personal inconvenience to the one who indulges in it. - </p> - <p> - The house is an interesting old Jacobean one, standing on the side of a - mound within a loop of the river. - </p> - <p> - It has consequently a series of terrace gardens which are quite delightful - at all seasons. For years it was occupied by a Captain Hesketh and his - wife, the latter having inherited it with a handsome fortune from her - mother, who was the heiress of a family of considerable importance in the - county. At her husband's death Mrs. Hesketh continued to live alone in the - old house with a niece—for she had no children of her own—and - in course of time the girl fell in love with a man who seemed in every way - the right sort of person for her to marry, only for the fact of his having - a very limited income. The girl's aunt, however, having nothing to live - for except the witnessing of the happiness of the young couple, was - generous enough to make over to them all her property, retaining only a - sufficient sum to enable her to live in comfort for the remainder of her - life. - </p> - <p> - At this time she was sixty-three years of age, and her wants were very - simple. It is said that the annuity which she purchased amounted to no - more than three hundred pounds a year. Twelve years later, however, the - lawyer whom she had entrusted to carry out this portion of the transaction - for her died, and an examination of his affairs revealed the fact that, - instead of spending the money which she had handed to him in the purchase - of an annuity guaranteed by an Insurance Company of good reputation, he - had treated it as his own, and had merely paid her a quarterly allowance. - He died a bankrupt, owing thousands of pounds to clients whose money he - had appropriated; so that at the age of seventy-five the unfortunate lady - found herself penniless. - </p> - <p> - Her position was annoying, she told the man from whom I had the story, but - she did not feel it to be serious. Of course, she had only to explain - matters to her niece and her niece's husband and they would take care that - she should not suffer through the swindling agent. She hastened to have an - interview with them on the subject, and was actually smiling as she told - them what had happened. She was not smiling, however, when the interview - terminated; for she found herself treated by them as a begging stranger. - They gave her a sound scolding for her unbusinesslike credulity: the idea - of entrusting her money to such a man without taking the trouble to find - out how he had invested it! The thing was absurd—grossly absurd, and - they thought that she deserved to suffer for her culpable carelessness! - </p> - <p> - Of course, though surprised and hurt at this want of sympathy, the old - lady readily admitted that she had been very careless; but the man had - been her lawyer and her husband's lawyer for over thirty years, and she - had implicit confidence in him, she said. After all, she reminded her - relations that she was an old woman, and that in all probability she would - not be a burden to them for more than a few years. - </p> - <p> - This plea did not seem to soften them in any way; at any rate, it did not - prevent her niece from expressing the opinion that it was most - inconsiderate on her part to expect that she and her husband should accept - the responsibility of keeping her for the rest of her life. They had two - children to educate, she explained, and it was going too far to expect - that they should be made to suffer because of her stupidity. - </p> - <p> - The poor old lady felt herself turned out of her old house—the house - in which she might still have been living if she had not been so foolishly - generous. - </p> - <p> - The next day, however, she received a letter from her niece's husband - informing her that, after due consideration of the matter, he and his wife - had come to the conclusion that, although she had no claim whatsoever upon - them, they might be able to allow her a pound a week for life. He trusted - that she had saved enough during the previous twelve years to allow of her - living comfortably—many women, he reminded her, were compelled to - live on much less. The final sentence in his letter was equivalent to an - exhortation to her to thank Heaven for having given her a niece of so - generous a disposition. - </p> - <p> - The story reached the ears of a lady who had been her friend for many - years, and she insisted on her rejecting the alms of her niece, offering - her a home with herself, and expressing her happiness to receive her under - her roof. The old lady accepted her friend's invitation; but at the same - time she made application to be admitted as an inmate to a certain - almshouse which had been founded and endowed by one of her own ancestors. - This step, however, she took in secret, and at least a year would have to - elapse before she could hope for admission to the charity. - </p> - <p> - It so happened, however, that her generous friend had a son who had - obtained some eminence at the Bar, and it seemed that the grim humour of - the whole story appealed to him very strongly. But on thinking over the - matter he perceived that this element in the story was not so finished as - he thought it should be, if properly worked out by an ironic fate. He - considered himself to be something of a critic in such matters, and it was - possibly his artistic instinct that prompted him to make a move with a - view to remedy the deficiency that he perceived in the story. He had - acquired a pretty fair knowledge of men and their characteristics, and it - occurred to him that a solicitor who gave up so much of his attention to - the movements of stocks and shares as did this dishonest one who was the - cause of the old lady's disaster, might possibly have been guilty of some - neglect in respect of the deeds of gift conveying her property to her - niece, and he turned his attention in this direction. He knew exactly what - legal machinery to put in motion for the purpose of his inquiry, and the - result he considered highly satisfactory; but it is doubtful if the - ungrateful niece of the poor lady for whom the solicitor he had engaged - was acting was of the same opinion when she received notice that a motion - was about to be made before His Majesty's judges to set aside the deed of - gift made twelve years earlier on account of a vital flaw in the document - itself. - </p> - <p> - The ungrateful niece and her husband consulted their solicitor when they - received their shock. He laughed reassuringly at first. - </p> - <p> - “Sounds very like a bit of bluff,” said he. “What does it mean? Why should - your aunt want to get into her hands again the property that she made over - to you?” - </p> - <p> - The man told him that the lady had been the victim of a rascally - solicitor, and so was left without a penny. - </p> - <p> - “And now she seems to have got into the hands of another of the same - stamp, only worse,” said the lawyer. “I don't think you need be uneasy. - I'll get a copy of the original deed and get counsel's opinion about it. - Trent will be the man. I'll send it to Trent. He is the leading man for - that sort of thing. If there's any flaw in it he'll be able to lay his - finger on it.” - </p> - <p> - The two clients looked at each other with something like dismay on their - faces. - </p> - <p> - “My aunt has been living for the past three months with a Mrs. Trent, I - have heard,” said the lady. - </p> - <p> - The lawyer opened his eyes unusually wide and screwed up his mouth into - the form of a puckered O. - </p> - <p> - “She is his mother,” he said after a pause. “But why—why should he - bother about such a piece of business as this? Why should he be interested - in upsetting the deed when it was obviously the intention of your aunt to - present you with the property? You have not quarrelled with her, have - you?” - </p> - <p> - “Oh no, there was no quarrel. She came to us with her story, of course, - and we at once offered to do something for her,” replied the niece. - </p> - <p> - “Of course. That was the sensible thing to do. But this only makes the - matter seem more mysterious. She accepted your offer, I suppose, and why, - then, she should——” - </p> - <p> - “She didn't accept it.” - </p> - <p> - “What! Did she make a demand on you to return the whole property?” - </p> - <p> - “Never. But she suggested that we should make good the three hundred a - year of her annuity.” - </p> - <p> - “But isn't that what you say you promised her?” - </p> - <p> - “We told her we couldn't afford that; but we offered her fifty-two pounds - a year.” - </p> - <p> - “A pound a week—one pound a week? Oh, my dear lady! A pound a week! - Surely you are joking.” - </p> - <p> - “We thought that she must surely have saved a good deal during the twelve - years.” - </p> - <p> - “Three hundred a year, when you deduct the in-come tax, doesn't leave a - gentlewoman much margin for saving.” - </p> - <p> - The man of the law shook his head and assumed a very serious look. - </p> - <p> - “Of course, I can't say anything at this moment as to the sort of case - they have against you; but I do not feel justified in concealing from you - my impression that if it is as we suppose, and Mr. Trent has pronounced - against the deed, the Court will take his view of it. Trent is not the man - to try on any sharp practice. And my advice to you is to make any - sacrifice to prevent the case from going before the Court. Trent, if he is - moving in the matter, must feel the ground pretty firm under his feet. - What a pity it was that you did not suggest three hundred a year to the - lady instead of—oh, that was undoubtedly a mistake—a pound a - week. Well, we can only do our best in the circumstances. Who are the - solicitors that sent you the letter?” - </p> - <p> - The lady gave him the name of the firm, and in due course he communicated - with them. An examination of the doubtful document removed the possibility - of his retaining any doubt as to its being invalid, and his clients were - assured that they could not contend the case there was against them. - </p> - <p> - After this, I suppose, there was a scene that could only have justice done - to its varied features by the pen of a gifted novelist. I can see the - weeping niece on her knees in front of the old lady who had been her - benefactrix, but whom she had repaid with gross ingratitude. Her children - would possibly be kneeling by her side—they certainly would on the - lyric stage or in the last chapter of the novel. No doubt the aunt would - be greatly affected, though properly reproachful. But I doubt if the - gallery of the theatre or the readers of the novelette would be quite - satisfied with the conclusion of the story; for the generous aunt allowed - her original gift to stand, only stipulating for her three hundred a year - out of the estate. - </p> - <p> - Whatever humour one may perceive in these stories is certainly of that - unusual type which one might expect to find associated with a cathedral - town. It is the humour of an Old Testament parable—hard, and with a - lesson attached to it. - </p> - <p> - Not precisely of the same nature was the definition of the duties of the - verger suggested by a promising youth, whom I had instructions to lead - round the Minster by his relations: they intended him to become an - architect, and thought that he should become acquainted with the design of - all the cathedrals to begin with. At first he supposed that the dignified - gentleman wearing the black gown and carrying a mysterious emblem of - authority was an archbishop, and I fear I failed to place him in - possession of the facts respecting the duties of the verger, for he - nodded, saying—“Ah yes, I understand—a sort of dignified - chuck-er-out.” - </p> - <p> - It is not on record that there was attached to any great ecclesiastical - institution a dignitary who discharged the duties of a calcitrator. And, - so far as Broadminster is concerned, one may say that, whatever brawls - disturb the peace of other churches upon occasions, tranquillity reigns - within these grey walls and harmony among the spirits of its fortunate - aisles. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0045" id="link2H_4_0045"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - IV.—THE BLACK SHEEP - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>nly the merest - echo of a rumour of years ago regarding a parson who managed to creep into - the Chapter when he should have been excluded survives to-day. And even - this attenuated scandal would have faded away long ago if some people had - not kept it alive by a story which owes its point to the use made of the - shady parson's name by an old reprobate who desired to score off a worthy - clergyman. The worthy clergyman had come to pay a serious parochial visit - of remonstrance to the old reprobate, and had made up his mind, in antique - slang, to “let him have it hot.” He had tried the velvet glove of the - kindly counsellor several times with the same man, and now he determined - to see what the mailed fist would do. Chronic intoxication was the old - reprobate's besetting sin, and that was—with more frequent intervals - of repentance—the particular failing of that parson who had been a - thorn in the flesh to the Cathedral Chapter. It was, however, the vice of - which the visiting clergyman was most intolerant; so he launched out in - fitting terms against the old reprobate, demonstrating to him how - disgraceful, how senseless a thing it was to be a sot. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0211.jpg" alt="0211 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0211.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - The man listened to him until the first pause came, and then he sighed, - saying—“Truer words were never spoken, sir, and no one knows that - better than yourself, Mr. Weston.” - </p> - <p> - Now Weston was the name of the frail parson, who had been dead for several - years, and to hear himself so addressed was very nettling to the teetotal - clergyman. - </p> - <p> - “My name is not Weston,” he said sharply. “You know that I am Mr. - Walters.” - </p> - <p> - “I ask your pardon, sir,” said the man. “But I hold with all you say, and - no one has ever said the same better than yourself, Mr. Weston.” - </p> - <p> - “Don't call me Weston,” cried the clergyman. “The fact that you are - muddled on a simple matter like this shows clearly to what condition you - have sunk.” - </p> - <p> - “I don't doubt it, sir,” acquiesced the man sadly. “It's not a condition - for any human to be, though mayhap it's worse when it overtakes a passon, - as I'm sure you'll hold with me, Mr. Weston.” - </p> - <p> - “I was informed that you had been sober for some days,” said the - clergyman. “But I now begin to fear that you are far from being anything - like sober. Have you had anything to drink to-day?” - </p> - <p> - “Not a drop—not a drop, I'm sorry to confess to you, Mr. Weston.” - </p> - <p> - The good parson sprang to his feet. - </p> - <p> - “You are a wretched man!” he cried. “You are clearly so bemuddled with - that poison that you are incapable of recognising who is speaking to you.” - </p> - <p> - “Nay, nay, sir; I'm not so far gone as that. I'm never so far gone but - that I can know when a passon's a-speaking to me, Mr. Weston. I s'pose - 'tis summit in their manner o' speech, Mr. Weston.” - </p> - <p> - The tortured clergyman caught up his hat and rushed from the cottage. - </p> - <p> - Few people would have given the old reprobate credit for striking upon so - subtle a scheme of retaliation upon the clergyman who was a model of - rectitude, had not the clergyman himself been indiscreet enough to - complain, as he did with great bitterness, that the horrid old man was so - fuddled with drink as to be incapable of differentiating between a cleric - who had never been in the shadow of a cloud and one who had never been - otherwise than shady, and who, moreover, had been among the shades for - several years. - </p> - <p> - There were, however, some people who had had experience of the readiness - of resources of the old reprobate, and who knew how he had aimed at - getting even with his upright visitor. And so the story spread, and was - the means of keeping green, if one may be allowed the metaphor, the - unsavoury memory of the thorn in the flesh of the Chapter. - </p> - <p> - But if the wicked old man only simulated for his own base purposes a - mistake as to the identity of Mr. Walters, there was certainly no such - evil intention on the part of a young woman who, when on a visit to a - relation living in Broadminster, was invited to a dinner party and was - taken in by a fine-looking man of military appearance whose name was - pronounced by their hostess as Colonel Trelawney. The lady rather prided - herself on being equal to converse with men of any profession, and she at - once started with her partner at the table on a military topic, and - continued to ply him with questions of a more or less technical sort, on - most of which he professed an ignorance surprising in one who had attained - to the rank of a commanding officer. She almost became cross with the - completeness of her failure to draw him out; but just as the cheese straws - were going round she asked him in desperation if there was any branch of - the Service in which he was interested. - </p> - <p> - “Well,” he said, “of course I am interested in every part of it, but just - now I have been studying all the authorities on the order of the Creeds, - and I must confess that I find them enthralling.” - </p> - <p> - She was puzzled. - </p> - <p> - “Are you in the Sappers?” she asked after a long pause. She had heard that - some of the Sappers had peculiarities. - </p> - <p> - “The Sappers?” he repeated. “The Sappers? I'm afraid I don't quite - understand your question. How could I——” - </p> - <p> - “Are you not Colonel Trelawney?” she cried. - </p> - <p> - “I am Canon Trelawney,” he replied. “What! Is it possible that you fancied—oh, - it must be so. That is why you have been talking on military topics all - this time. Colonel! Oh, this is really amusing! Colonel!” - </p> - <p> - “I thought that our hostess had said 'Colonel,'” she murmured. “You must - have fancied that I was mad.” - </p> - <p> - “It was largely my own fault,” said he. “I am a little old-fashioned, and - I have never taken kindly to the modern innovation in evening dress - adopted by my brethren. My father was a parson and he habitually wore - ordinary evening dress, and I followed him in this particular. I think I - shall have to get a dog collar and satin stock after all.” - </p> - <p> - The lady did not care whether he did or not. She felt she had wasted an - evening. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER TWELVE—A CLOSE CORPORATION - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0047" id="link2H_4_0047"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I.—TROLLOPE'S MRS. PROUDIE - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">N</span>O ONE WHO HAS - LIVED FOR ANY length of time in a cathedral town can fail to appreciate - the perfection of Anthony Trollope's Barchester series of novels. In my - opinion no more artistic achievement than the creation of Barchester and - its people exists on the same scale in the English language. I do not - think that there is a false note in any scene—a crude tone in any - character. Certainly no writer ever dealt with the members of any - profession with such completeness and without ceasing to interest a reader - from page to page, from chapter to chapter, from volume to volume. Fancy - any writer venturing upon five long novels with all the chief characters - solicitors or solicitors' wives and daughters! Fancy a dozen medical men - stethoscoping their way through a thousand closely printed pages! We know - what military novels we have been treated to from time to time—stuff - to send guffaws round every mess-room—as crude as the red of the - tunics that gave the marksmen of other armies every chance in the old - days. - </p> - <p> - The personages in <i>Barchester Towers, The Warden, and The Last Chronicle - of Barset</i> are such finished pieces of characterisation that they - strike one as being photographs from life. One feels that the author must - have had intimate acquaintance with the originals of his portraits, as - well as with their entourage, before he could produce such transcripts - from nature. - </p> - <p> - I suppose there was a good deal of speculation when the Barchester novels - were appearing as to the identity of the various cathedral dignitaries. It - seems to me that such a “placing” of the people was inevitable. But an - example was given me of the artistic way in which Trollope went to work in - the case of one of his best remembered characters that let me see what a - master of his art he was. I was some years under twenty when <i>The Last - Chronicle</i> fell into my hands: it was the first novel of Trollope's - that I read, so that was the first acquaintance I had with Mrs. Proudie. - Before I had got through many chapters I knew that I was listening to the - voice of the wife of an Irish Prelate—a lady whose character and - temperament had been a twenty years' tradition in the household of which I - was a member, and whose reputation had followed her from one city to - another. The more I read of the book the more impressed I was that this - lady had been the model for Mrs. Proudie in spite of the fact that the two - had practically nothing in common—nothing except the essentials that - go to make up a character. - </p> - <p> - Mrs. Proudie was a plain, rather stout little woman, but my Mrs. Proudie - was a tall, slight, and undoubtedly beautiful woman, even when middle-aged—the - most perfect type of the traditional aristocrat. It would have been - impossible for her to do any of the pettifogging of Trollope's vulgar - person, in the way that Mrs. Proudie did it, but it was quite clearly - understood—by no one better than the Bishop himself—that she - was the ruler of the diocese. She was the mother of a family every member - of which was remarkably good-looking; but Trollope laid emphasis upon the - commonplace daughters of the Proudies. - </p> - <p> - Only an artist of the highest rank could create a character such as Mrs. - Proudie from the suggestions he had derived from the rumours respecting - our Bishop's wife, and only an artist of the highest rank could create a - personage which compelled all readers who knew the original to recognise - the source of his inspiration and feel certain of its identity in spite of - the absence of all outward marks of identification. - </p> - <p> - For several years after reading the Barchester series I was accustomed to - hear people in the neighbourhood in which I lived refer to the Bishop's - wife as Mrs. Proudie—several clergymen certainly did so; but quite - fifteen years had passed before I heard that, previous to his writing <i>Barchester - Towers</i>, the author had been stationed in the same neighbourhood as an - Inspector in the Post Office Department. - </p> - <p> - “In those days,” said my informant, who had served under Trollope, “the - Bishop's wife was at the height of her fame. Every one was talking about - her and the way she kept the poor Bishop under her thumb. We expected that - Mr. Trollope would make something out of her.” - </p> - <p> - When I asked him how he could reconcile the difference between Mrs. - Proudie and the other lady—how he could reconcile Mrs. Proudie's - death in <i>The Last Chronicle</i> with the other's still active life, he - told me that he had never read any of Trollope's books: the only writings - of Trollope that had come under his cognizance were the official reports - which he made to the head of the Department! - </p> - <p> - Beautiful to the last, and ruling to the last, <i>our</i> Mrs. Proudie - survived the published record of the other Mrs. Proudie by nearly thirty - years. I write this chapter sitting on a sofa which I bought out of the - Palace. The fact that the receipt of my cheque was signed by the Bishop - and not by the lady, suggests that in financial matters his lordship was - permitted to discharge the humblest of clerical duties. - </p> - <p> - In Broadminster there has never been a rumour of a Mrs. Proudie; but - occasionally there comes a discordant note from the belfry of the - Cathedral. Only a quick ear can detect it, but having detected it, one is - conscious of an impression of uneasiness, and asks oneself or anybody else - if it is possible that all is not well in the Close. - </p> - <p> - What sounds like the merest tinkle of discord outside Broadminster - reverberates throughout the Close, causing uneasiness and even - perturbation at times. - </p> - <p> - During the past three years there have been two threatenings of huge - upheavals in Minster circles. The rumblings of an earthquake were heard by - some people of acute hearing, and the local seismometer—her name is - Lady Birnam—foretold a cataclysm. But happily the centre of the - disturbance passed away in another direction, and the foundations of the - Cathedral remained intact. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0048" id="link2H_4_0048"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - II.—THE INNOVATORS - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he volcanic force - which caused all the alarm was a young clergyman who, by reason of his - personal merits and his relationship to the Dean, became the most minor of - all the canons, and probably the most pleasing. But before he had been a - year in attendance it was rumoured that he had views, and no clergyman - with views had ever been associated with the services at the Minster. - There have been clergymen who took a lively interest in landscape - photography—even colour photography—and others who had rubbed - with their own hands some of the finest monumental brasses in the country. - A prebendary went so far in horticulture as to stand godfather to a new - rose (h.p.), and a precentor who devised an automatic reel—a - fishing-rod reel, not the terpsichorean—but no dignitary had - previously been known to develop views on the lines adopted by this Canon - Mowbray, for his views had an intimate connection with the Church Service. - </p> - <p> - He had been heard to express the opinion that it was little short of - scandalous that people should enter the Cathedral and find themselves - surrounded by beauties of architecture and facing combinations of colour - in glass that were extremely lovely—that they should be able to hear - music of the most elevating type efficiently rendered by an organist of - ability and a well-trained choir, but the moment a member of the Chapter—one - of the dignitaries of the Church—began to discharge his duties, - either in his stall, at the electern, or in the pulpit, the congregation - were subjected to an infliction of mediocrity sometimes verging on - imbecility. It was little short of scandalous, he said, that the most - highly paid functionaries—men whose education had cost a great deal - of money—should show themselves so imperfectly equipped to discharge - their simplest duties in an intelligent manner. Few of them could even - intone correctly, and he had a suspicion that intoning was invented to - conceal their deficiency in reading the prayers. When they stood at the - lectern and read in that artificial voice that they assumed for the - Lessons for the day, treating the most splendidly dramatic episodes with a - tameness that suggested rather more than indifference, they proved their - inefficiency as plainly as when they stood at the altar-rails and repeated - the Commandments in that apologetic tone they put on, as if they hoped the - people present would understand quite clearly that they, the readers, were - not responsible for the bad taste of the compiler of the Decalogue in - referring to offences of which no well-bred lady or gentleman would be - guilty. - </p> - <p> - And then he went on to refer to the preaching.... - </p> - <p> - Now Canon Mowbray did not give expression to his views all at once. He was - forced to do so by the action of the Dean and Chapter after he had - startled them all, and the congregation as well, by his dramatic reading - of the First Lesson, which was of the discomfiture of the Priests of Baal - by the prophet Elijah—a subject treated very finely by Mendelssohn. - </p> - <p> - The truth was that Canon Mowbray had paid a visit to London every week in - order to get a lesson in elocution from a well-known ex-actor, and at the - end of six months had mastered, at any rate, the fundamentals of the art. - His performance, regarded by itself, would have been thought quite - creditable; but, judged by comparison with the usual reading of the - Lessons in the Minster, it was startling—thrilling. Long before he - had got to the ironic outburst of the prophet, “Cry aloud, for he is a - god,” he had got such a hold upon his hearers that when he made a little - pause the silence was striking. At the close also, when he had shut the - Book and stood for a few moments before saying, “Here endeth the First - Lesson,” the silence was the ecclesiastical equivalent to the plaudits of - the playhouse at the effective close of an act: he might have said, “Here - endeth the First Act.” - </p> - <p> - It seemed as if there was not a sirloin in Broad-minster over which the - performance was not discussed. Sides were taken in almost every household - of faith, some people condemning the innovation, others being enthusiastic - in its favour. The one said it was too theatrical—it was not for - clergymen to put themselves into a part, as if they were actors; the other - affirmed that the Bible should be read by a clergyman as if he believed - what he was reading, not in that <i>voix blanche,</i> as the French call - the insincere monotone which for some reason, hard to discover, has been - almost universally adopted as the voice of the Church. - </p> - <p> - As a natural consequence of the discussion the attendance at the afternoon - service was immense, for it was understood that Canon Mowbray was to read - one of the Lessons. Men who had become quite lax in their churchgoing - looked up their silk hats, and even chapelgoers, having heard of the - morning performance, hastened to the Minster just to see how theatrical it - was. The organist wished he had chosen a more showy anthem than “In Judah - is God known.” This was quite too commonplace for such an occasion, he - thought: it would allow of the clergy's competing with the choir for - popularity, the idea of which was, of course, absurd. - </p> - <p> - The offertory was nearly double that of any afternoon of the year. - </p> - <p> - There could be no doubt that the “draw” was Canon Mowbray. He filled the - stage, so to speak; when he went to the lectern the effect was the same as - is produced on a full house by the entrance of the “star,” and once again - the silence was felt to be a subtle form of applause. - </p> - <p> - Canon Mowbray had no chance of electrifying his hearers, for they were - expectant; he managed, however, to get far more out of an unemotional - chapter than had ever been got out of it before, so that it was made - perfectly clear to every one that he meant to pursue the line he had - struck out for himself, and for the next few days there was no real topic - in Broad-minster but the innovation of Canon Mowbray. - </p> - <p> - It was not surprising that the Close should be greatly perturbed by the - innovation. The Chapter was against it to a man. They had got into a - groove so far as the church services were concerned, and they had been - running very easily in it for many years. Where was the need to make any - change? they asked. But even if some change was needed, why should it be - such a one as that of which Canon Mowbray had made himself the exponent? - There were the weaker brethren to consider: in every clerical discussion - the question of considering the weaker brethren plays a prominent part. - The weaker brethren objected very strongly to the introduction of - elocution in any florid form at the lectern or in front of the - altar-rails, and beyond a doubt the playhouse—a theatre is - invariably alluded to as a playhouse by people who are arguing against it—the - playhouse and the House of God are separate and distinct, and any attempt - to introduce the atmosphere of the former into the latter savoured of - irreverence, and should not be tolerated by any one having at heart the - welfare of the Church. - </p> - <p> - Of course, Canon Mowbray was quickly made aware of the opinion of the - Chapter regarding his innovation, and then it was that he made use of the - somewhat intemperate phrases already quoted in defining the artistic - incompetence of the clergy; and the clergy speedily learned all that he - had said and was still saying about them, and they were naturally very - much displeased. - </p> - <p> - But what could they do in the matter? - </p> - <p> - Well, it was obvious that they could be cold to him—they could - delete his name from the list of invitations to their whist parties and - dinner parties and luncheon parties. They could make it difficult for him - to get up a set at lawn-tennis or badminton; and, sure enough, they put in - motion all the apparatus of excommunication which is still at the command - of the Church. But the result was not all that had been anticipated; for - the people who felt that they owed Canon Mowbray a good turn for the - entertainment with which he had provided them for several Sundays, got up - special parties in his honour: dinner parties, and whist parties, and even - “tweeny” parties—the Sunday lunch between the services at the - Cathedral which occupies so prominent a position in the convivial régime - of Broadminster. But Canon Mowbray was wise enough not to accept any of - the invitations that he received. He knew that there was far more to be - got out of a pose as persecuted reformer than from appearing at the most - elaborate tweeny lunch that the most interesting house in the town could - provide. - </p> - <p> - He was quite right; for within a month he was summoned before the Dean - himself, and remonstrated with on the error of his excessive elocution. It - was understood the great Dignitary had used his own weapons against him - during this interview: his elocution was excessive as he referred to the - Canon's attempt to introduce an element into the services which had - previously been monopolised by the playhouse—the Dean, of course, - called the theatre the playhouse. - </p> - <p> - It need scarcely be said that this interview of remonstrance represented a - martyr's crown of 22 carats, hall-marked, to Canon Mowbray, and he took - care to display it: he never appeared in public without it. He brushed his - hair to accommodate its rim upon his head—every one who has come in - contact with a martyr knows how far the brushing of his hair goes to the - establishment of his claim to the crown—and it was understood that - even if Canon Mowbray's “size” had been in excess of that marked on the - ticket in his hat, it was nearly certain that within a short time his head - would be found quite equal to the wearing of his crown without any one - suggesting that it was a misfit. - </p> - <p> - But he had got the better of the Dean in the interview—he took care - that this fact became known. He had not forgotten himself or his position - for a moment. He had expressed his great regret that the Dean was unable - to look at the question of the innovation with his, the Canon's, eyes; he - had a great respect for the Dean's opinion on most matters, and he knew no - one whose advice he would follow more gladly; but in this particular point - he found it impossible to do so. Surely if the art of the musician was - admitted into the services, the art of the elocutionist should not be - excluded—and so forth. Good taste? He was said, that he could not - allow any considerations of what some people called good taste to - interfere with what he believed to be his duty. After all, good taste and - bad taste were merely relative terms. It was not possible that on any - aesthetic grounds Mr. Dean would be prepared to say that the slovenly - reading of the Sacred Word to which they had been for long accustomed at - the Minster was more tasteful than—than one in which the ordinary - principles of elocution were observed. - </p> - <p> - It was when the Dean was confronted with arguments which he made no - attempt to answer that he became grossly personal, Canon Mowbray said, - attributing to him, the Canon, motives unworthy of a clergyman with any - sense of his high calling, and thereby proving pretty conclusively, the - Canon thought, that as an arbiter of good taste the Dean could scarcely be - admitted to a position of any prominence. - </p> - <p> - The result of the Dean's remonstrance was to strengthen the Canon's cause - in the eyes of his adherents; and when one of these friends wrote a letter - to the newspapers, expressing the opinion that if Canon Mowbray had been - guilty of any breach of discipline the ecclesiastical authorities should - take action with a view to justifying themselves in the attitude they had - assumed in regard to him, the general opinion was that the Canon had - triumphed, for the Dean and Chapter knew perfectly well that they had no - power to accept the challenge implied in the letter: the question was not - one of turning to the east or turning to the west, or of lighting candles - in a place where no artificial illuminant was required, or of wearing an - overelaborate robe—it was solely a question of taste, and the - discipline of the Church has nothing to do with matters of taste. - </p> - <p> - It was at this point that Lady Birnam, who claimed to be a local - ecclesiastical seismometer, so to speak, prophesied a cataclysm that would - shake the Church to its foundations. She went far beyond the advisory - committee of St. Paul's in considering the consequences of making new - subways by the London County Council. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0049" id="link2H_4_0049"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - III.—THE PEACEMAKERS - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>nd yet within a - couple of months the last rumble of the threatened disturbance had passed - away. - </p> - <p> - This is how the <i>status quo ante bellum</i> was restored: - </p> - <p> - The offending Canon was in the habit of confiding in his supporters his - feeling of sorrow that none of his clerical brethren had the manliness to - follow his example and read the Lessons as they should be read: he had - quite believed, he said, that in a short time the slovenly, monotonous - reader would have ceased to appear at the lectern; he was greatly - disappointed. - </p> - <p> - But one Sunday an elderly Prebendary astonished every one by “putting on” - two separate and distinct voices in reading the First Lesson. It was the - chapter in which Moses pleads for the Children of Israel when their - destruction is threatened by the Almighty. Now it will be plain to any one - that to treat this duologue in an elocutionary style requires a delicacy - of touch of the rarest sort; but unhappily the reader seemed to have the - idea that all that was necessary to deal with the most important passages - effectively was to deliver them in two voices, and this scheme he adopted. - The one voice was that of a good-natured gentleman taking the part of - naughty schoolboys who had been caught robbing the orchard of an irascible - old farmer; the second voice was that of the irascible old farmer who had - cornered them and had sent one of his staff for a dog whip. - </p> - <p> - The effect was startling at first. It seemed as if the clergyman had seen - Irving in <i>The Lyons Mail''</i> and thought he could not improve greatly - upon the method of the actor in the dual rôle—speaking in the mild - accents of the amiable Lesurges on the one hand and in the gruff staccato - of Dubose on the other. At first this touch of realism was startling, but - as it went on it became queer, then funny, and at last it had the element - that made its emphatic appeal to most hearers, that of burlesque. Some of - the congregation were shocked: they had no idea that “God spake these - words and said” in the tone of a testy old gentleman. Others were frankly - amused and showed it without reticence; and the entertainment closed with - the giggling of choir-boys. - </p> - <p> - The Second Lesson was read by Canon Mowbray in a very subdued way. - Contrary to the expectation of a good many people, he made no attempt to - match himself in realistic effects against the Prebendary; and when during - the week remarks were made in his hearing respecting that member of the - Chapter and his elocution, he only shook his head sadly. The other members - of the Chapter could do no more. When an elderly clergyman has made a fool - of himself within the precincts of his church people can only shake their - heads. - </p> - <p> - But the next Sunday the congregation who crowded the Minster at the - afternoon service shook not only their heads but their bodies also in - their decorous but wholly ineffectual attempts to smother their laughter - while the Prebendary read a chapter in the Book of Ruth which - necessitated, he thought, full orchestral treatment. He clearly saw the - parts for a basso, a tenor, a soprano, and a contralto, and he set himself - about doing all four by subtle modulations of his voice. Now, people do - not as a rule mind a middle-aged parson's putting on a gruff voice when - reading what a man said, or going up an octave or so when assuming the - dialogue of a milder-mannered man; but when he puts on a falsetto, and a - very high falsetto, when he essays to reproduce the words of a woman, and - occasionally breaks in an attempt to lay the emphasis on the right words, - the most decorous of folk will either laugh or weep—and the great - majority of the worshippers in the old Minster this day did the former. - Quite a number hurried from the Sacred Fane with their handkerchiefs held - close to their mouths. But once outside—— - </p> - <p> - That was how the scandal which threatened to make Broadminster Chapter a - house divided against itself was dispersed. It was obvious that the - Minster was too antique a place to be made the scene of so great an - innovation as Canon Mowbray had attempted to introduce, and he at once - fell back into the recognised monotone, with a suspicion of the sing-song - rising and falling from sentence to sentence in his reading of the - Lessons, and the Prebendary once more followed his example; and so the - plague—or worse—was stayed. - </p> - <p> - But the general impression that prevailed throughout Broadminster when the - whole question of the innovation was discussed was that that middle-aged - Prebendary had not gone very far in making a fool of himself. They had - heard of a potent form of argument technically known as <i>reductio ad - absurdum</i>, but they had never before had so signal an instance of its - successful operation. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0050" id="link2H_4_0050"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - IV.—THE VOX HUMANA - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>ome years had - passed before there was another little fluttering in the Minster - dovecotes; but this time the disturbing element happily did not arise - within the Chapter. The fact was that at the afternoon service one Sunday - a voice of extraordinary charm was heard when the first of the hymns was - begun. It was the voice of a professional soprano, and one of the finest - <i>timbre</i> beyond doubt; but it was so clear and so resonant that, to - make use of the verger's criticism whispered into my ear, it gave the rest - of the congregation no chance whatsoever. Now every one knows that there - is nothing so startling in a church as one voice ringing out even a single - note above the vague cloud of sound, if one may be allowed such a phrase, - that comes from a singing congregation. But here was a young woman who - went through every verse of the hymn as though the volume of sound coming - from the nave, the aisle, and the choir itself were only meant as a sort - of background for her voice. - </p> - <p> - Of course before the third stanza was reached the great majority of those - who had been singing had ceased. They saw that, in the verger's phrase, - they had no chance against so brilliant a vocalist; they turned their eyes - upon the young woman, some of them with frowns of indignation, but others - with frank admiration. But undoubtedly all were startled. - </p> - <p> - When the second hymn began it was plain that the music presented no - difficulties to the stranger; she sang as before with exquisite sweetness - and expression, but still with a ringing clearness that suggested the song - of the skylark soaring above a field of corncrakes. Even the efforts of - the choir did not rise much above the melody of the corn-crakes in early - dawn when that girl was singing. - </p> - <p> - Naturally such an unusual display caused a considerable amount of talk in - Minster circles. It was pronounced in many directions to be in extremely - bad taste for any young woman to sing down a whole congregation in such a - way; but while some people said it must be put a stop to at once, others - declared that they had never had such a treat in their lives. (They - probably meant for the expenditure that was represented by their donations - to the offertory.) - </p> - <p> - But when the wives of such members of the Chapter as were blessed with - wives declared definitely that a stop must be put to so unreasonable a - display of an undoubted gift, their husbands asked how they proposed to - put a stop to it; and once again it appeared that, after all, the powers - of a Cathedral Chapter are very limited. - </p> - <p> - Inquiries were made as to who the singer actually was; but no one seemed - to know her. She was a stranger, and was certainly not living in the town. - </p> - <p> - The next Sunday brought about a repetition of the same rather embarrassing - scene. The vocalist, who was a very handsome and an expensively but not - showily dressed young woman, sang as before quite unconcernedly, and - apparently oblivious of having done anything out of the common. - </p> - <p> - At the end of the first hymn, however, the organist's boy was seen to - approach her, and to put a piece of paper into her hand. It obviously - contained a message to which an answer was required, for the boy waited - while she read the thing, and then she inclined her head, evidently - signifying her assent to whatever suggestion it conveyed to her. - </p> - <p> - No one who saw the act doubted that the organist had sent her a message, - begging her not to sing quite so loud. - </p> - <p> - In due course the precentor announced that “the anthem is taken from Job - xix. verses 25, 26: 'I know that my Redeemer liveth... and though worms - destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God.'” - </p> - <p> - The lovely notes of the organ obbligato were heard in the introduction, - and then the people in the church became aware of the fact that the melody - was not being sung by the usual choir-boy, but by the stranger; and never - before had it been sung with such feeling or such an appreciation of its - beauty. It was natural that the old Cathedral-goers should look at one - another with startled eyes at first—here was an innovation indeed!—but - before long the most hardened of them all had yielded to the exquisite - charm of the girl's voice, and when the triumphant notes rang out there - was no one who remained unmoved under that ancient canopy of Gothic - arches. - </p> - <p> - And that unhappily is the end of the whole story. The girl and the elderly - lady who had come with her to the Minster walked away at the close of the - service, and no one was able to say in what direction they went or whence - they had come. No one in the town knew either of them. They had not been - at any hotel, nor had they taken the train to London—the organist - made it a point to be at the station to find out. That beautiful, singer - might have been a celestial visitant sent as a special compliment to the - organist of the Minster—it was rumoured that the views of the - organist were strongly in favour of this theory—so mysteriously had - she come and so utterly had she vanished. - </p> - <p> - But during the week that followed that episode in the Minster little else - was talked of in the town. The Chapter took the gravest view of the action - of the organist in sending that note to the vocalist, asking her if she - would kindly sing the solo: he confessed that he had done so. They said - that it was quite irregular, and he acknowledged this also; in fact, he - was ready to acknowledge every thing to which the Chapter took exception - if they would in turn acknowledge that he had been instrumental in - providing them with such an artistic treat as they had never known within - the walls of the Cathedral. And then he began to laugh at them, for he - knew that they all had a wholesome dread of him, from the Dean down. He - broached that suspicion about the angel, and lectured them upon the good - fortune of some people who had entertained angels unaware. He wondered if - that mysterious vocalist had entertained them. If so, he hoped that they - would contrive when intoning the prayers in future to end up within a tone - or two of the note on which they had started. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0237.jpg" alt="0237 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0237.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - They smiled and were silent. Some of them thought that he had let them off - easily enough. They were trembling lest he should go into particulars. - </p> - <p> - But for that week there was a great deal of controversy in Church circles - respecting the episode, and on the following Sunday the Minster was - crowded; for it was rumoured that the organist had another anthem with an - effective soprano solo which he meant to spring upon the Chapter in place - of the baritone, “What is man that Thou art mindful of him?” which was on - the board, in view of the reappearance of the girl. - </p> - <p> - Every one was disappointed, however; the service was conducted as usual, - for the soprano was not there, and Mr. Stone, the very capable baritone, - had it all his own way in respect of the anthem. He never sang it better - in all his life, and everybody went home disappointed, except perhaps the - Chapter and their womenfolk, who had perceived how easily a vocalist of - exceptional ability may in certain circumstances be the means of causing - confusion in the conducting of the services of the Church. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0051" id="link2H_4_0051"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - V.—THE PILGRIM'S PROGRESS - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> am inclined to - think that the people of Broad-minster are about the best informed of all - people in the county in regard to general topics. But sometimes this - opinion, which so many visitors form, is not confirmed by residence in the - town. In these days, when one hears that it is impossible to educate a - girl as she should be educated for less than £200 a year, one expects a - great deal of knowledge from girls generally. A clergyman of the town, who - is not connected with the Minster, is constantly telling me of instances - that have come under his notice of the most expensively educated girls - showing an amount of ignorance that should, but probably would not, make a - Board School girl blush were it brought home to her. He assured me that - the daughter of one of the Minster dignitaries, in seeing a casual - reference to Elaine, had begged him to tell her in which of Shakespeare's - plays she appeared: she herself had made a diligent search through that - author without success. - </p> - <p> - I could scarcely believe that such an incident had taken place, for I was - under the impression that Tennyson was still read by girls; but a short - time afterwards I overheard a couple of young women—one of them not - so very young—talking on literature. - </p> - <p> - The elder had mentioned that she had read in a magazine that the best - account of the great plague was in a book written by Defoe, and she - wondered if the other girl knew what book it was in. The other shook her - head, saying— - </p> - <p> - “You need not ask me; the only book of Defoe's that I ever read was <i>The - Pilgrim's Progress</i>, and I never finished it.” - </p> - <p> - “I thought you might chance to know,” said the other complacently, - evidently not seeing her way into any side issue in respect of the - authorship of <i>The Pilgrim's Progress.</i> “I'm tremendously interested - in something I have been reading on tropical diseases, and I thought that - I should like to learn something about the old plagues.” - </p> - <p> - I fancy that both young women went through a course of English literature - at their expensive school, and they probably would reply to your assurance - that you knew the difference between Daniel Defoe and John Bunyan and - their works when you were twelve years of age, that they could have done - the same. What chance has Defoe against golf or Bunyan against badminton. - If a girl only puts her heart into it she can forget between eighteen and - twenty-four much that she has learned previously—at a cost of a - couple of thousand pounds or thereabout. - </p> - <p> - But, I repeat, there is a great deal of intelligence to be found in all - circles in Broadminster, and now and again one is confronted by some - strong piece of evidence of original investigation on a historical as as - well as a literary subject. Seldom, however, does one have an important - logical conclusion to an apparently trivial incident enforced upon one - with the same lucidity as characterised a lady's expression of surprise - that the hallucinations of the great Duke of Wellington in the latter - years of his life had not been commented on by any of his biographers. - People were accustomed to laugh at the assertion of the Prince Regent that - he had been present at the battle of Waterloo, and at the Duke's reply to - him when appealed to for confirmation: “Indeed, I have frequently heard - your Royal Highness say so.” But what about the Duke's own hallucination? - Is it not recorded of him that upon one occasion, when watching the - playing fields at Eton, he declared that the battle of Waterloo had been - fought there? Yet although everyone knew that Waterloo was in Belgium, no - one seemed to have noticed the extraordinary mental lapse on the part of a - man who might reasonably be supposed to have the chief features of the - locality impressed upon him. She added that she feared, if the error were - not pointed out in time, the Duke's statement might become generally - accepted, and so posterity might be led to believe that Napoleon's career - had been brought to a close on the banks of the Thames, which was not a - fact. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0052" id="link2H_4_0052"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - VI.—THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE MINSTER - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he effect of - residing for some time in such a town as Broadminster—a community on - which the shadow of an ancient Minster has rested for nearly six hundred - years—is noteworthy. One breathes of the atmosphere that clings - about the old stonework, and, in time, one is conscious of one's ideas and - aspirations becoming assimilated with the traditions of the place. On a - fine morning in summer even an Irishman feels himself to be an English - Conservative—a genuine Tory of the good old days when boys were - taught to touch their hats to a “passon,” and when it was a matter of - common knowledge that the finest vintage ports were reposing in the - cellars of the Close. - </p> - <p> - An instance of the insidious influences of an atmosphere too strongly - charged with Anglozone—one must invent a word to express this - particular elixir of the cathedral town—came under my notice some - years ago. A young American lady, after travelling about a good deal, - settled in a beautiful old house in Broadminster. Rooms panelled with old - oak, an oak staircase with well-carved newels and finials, and a room on - the wall of which some frescowork of the fourteenth century had been - discovered, completed the charm which the Minster bells began in the mind - of the young woman, and she began to speak English as incorrectly as if - she had been born in England. - </p> - <p> - I met her one day wearing mourning—not exemplary mourning, but - enough to induce a mild and conventional expression of sympathy. - </p> - <p> - Oh no, it was not for any near relation, she said; but surely I had - forgotten that the day was the anniversary of the execution of the Earl of - Strafford. What Strafford was that? Why, of course, Charles the First's - Strafford. How could Englishmen be so neglectful of the memory of one of - the greatest of Englishmen? - </p> - <p> - “If you go into mourning for Strafford, I suppose you fast upon the - anniversary of the death of Charles the First?” I suggested. - </p> - <p> - “The martyrdom of King Charles is commemorated in some parts of the States - in the most solemn manner,” she replied. “Oh yes, I can assure you that we - are Stuart in every fibre of our bodies. I am President of the White Rose - Society of Chillingworth County, Massachusetts.” - </p> - <p> - “But you are not, I hope, active Jacobites?” said I. - </p> - <p> - “Well, no—not just yet; but we can never acknowledge the Hanoverian - succession. We owe the Hanoverians a grudge: it was a king of that house - who brought about our separation from Great Britain. That old wound - rankles still.” - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER THIRTEEN—AMONG THE AMATEURS - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0054" id="link2H_4_0054"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I.—MR. BARTON'S HIGH NOTE - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE ARTISTIC - INFLUENCES OF A CATHEDRAL with a good organist and a capable choir in any - town cannot be questioned; and so it is that the concerts which take place - with some frequency in Broad-minster and the neighbourhood are usually - quite good. The members of the choir are always ready to sing for the many - deserving objects that occur to the active minds of the organisers of - amateur concerts. One of these ladies, however, made up her mind that - people were getting tired of the local tenors, and resolved to introduce a - new amateur, whom she had heard sing at Brindlington, for a concert she - was getting up for the Ophthalmic Hospital. This gentleman's name was - Barton, and he was said to be a very promising tenor of a light quality. - He certainly behaved as such when he came to Broadminster to rehearse on - the afternoon of the day preceding the entertainment. Dr. Brailey, the - organist of the Minster, had kindly consented to play the accompaniments - as usual, though his best tenor was to be superseded by the gentleman from - Brindlington, and he attended the rehearsal. - </p> - <p> - Before he had got through the first stanza of the stranger's contribution—a - song that the musician had accompanied hundreds of times—he found - himself being instructed by Mr. Barton how to play the introduction to the - second stanza. Then he found himself told that he was playing too loud: - “Keep it down, my dear sir, keep it down—this is not a pianoforte - solo,” said the amateur petulently, to the horror of everyone present, - with the exception, apparently, of the musician; for Dr. Brailey only - smiled and remarked that he hoped he would with practice be able to give - the gentleman satisfaction. But even this course of suavity did not seem - to produce a good impression upon the amateur: he continued grumbling, - winding up by saying— - </p> - <p> - “Oh, well, I suppose that will have to do,” while he turned his back upon - the musician. - </p> - <p> - But the musician did not seem in the least hurt. He smiled. - </p> - <p> - He was in his seat at the piano the next evening when the new tenor came - forward to sing his song. It occupied, of course, the best place in the - programme, and the first stanza came off very well: the high note a bar or - two from the close was in itself a feat, but the singer produced it - correctly and hung on to it as long as he could, and Dr. Brailey gave him - every latitude, not proceeding with the accompaniment until he had quite - finished with it. - </p> - <p> - And then Dr. Brailey did a thing which he alone in the town could do: he - raised the key a tone in attacking the second stanza without the singer - being aware of it; it was only when he approached the same high note to - which he had clung in the first stanza that he began to feel that he was - not so much at his ease in forcing it again. He pulled himself together, - however, and just managed to touch it—there was no thought of - clinging to it now; he touched it and then hurried away from it down the - scale, and under covert of the encouraging applause which the singer - received the accompanist unostentatiously raised the key again as he - dashed into the third stanza. Gratified by his previous success, the tenor - went gallantly onward; again he realised that the high note would tax him - to the uttermost—he felt that he was straining his voice to touch - even a lower note. But what could he do? The copy of the song which he - held trembled in his fingers; then he took a quick breath and made a dash - for the high note. - </p> - <p> - He never reached it—his voice broke upon it with the usual comical - effect, and the young people in the audience yelled with laughter. A boy - scout or two at the back of the hall thought the moment a propitious one - for showing how accomplished they were in imitating the everyday sounds of - the farmyard; and under such a volley, mingling with the laughter of the - choir-boys, one of whom simulated the tremolo of a cat unable to fulfil - its engagements in good time, and attempting to produce Chopin's Funeral - March from the beginning with a far too meagre orchestra, the singer - turned and almost fled from the platform. - </p> - <p> - It was Dr. Brailey who had to announce to the audience at the start of the - second part of the concert that Mr. Barton, owing to a sudden - indisposition, would be unable to sing “Let me like a Soldier fall”—the - other song that was opposite his name on the programme—but that - their old friend, Mr. Stamford, had kindly stepped into the breach and - would do his best with that number. - </p> - <p> - “Loud and prolonged applause,” the <i>Gazette</i> stated, followed the - announcement; for Mr. Stamford was the leading tenor of the Minster choir. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Barton, carrying with him his three encore songs—he had come - fully prepared to meet the preposterous demands of an enthusiastic - audience—left Broadminster by the night train. And up to this day I - believe that he does not know by what diabolic trick on the part of some - one he made such a fiasco. He has been heard to declare that no persuasion - will ever induce him to sing again in Broadminster, and, so far as I can - gather, there is no likelihood of any machinery being set in motion to - cause him to break his vow. - </p> - <p> - I think that the claim which the musical fraternity of Broadminster - advance respecting the moral tone of their performances, whether given - under the patronage of the Church or not, can certainly be maintained. The - Kreutzer Sonata has been placed on the <i>Index Expurgatorius</i> of the - Concert Committee ever since Tolstoi wrote a foolish book pointing out - whither that composition was likely to lead young people with a tendency - toward voluptuousness; and when a lady of a sensitive nature but an open - mind submitted to them a song which she had been advised to sing at a - forthcoming concert, pointing out where in one line the writer of the - words had, she thought, gone a little too far, they considered the matter - with closed doors and all females excluded, and decided that her - suspicions were but too well founded, and that the offensive line should - be altered. This was done, and the honour of Broadminster was preserved - intact. - </p> - <p> - The name of the song was, “It was a Dream,” and the line objected to was— - </p> - <p> - <br /> - </p> - <p class="indent15"> - “We kiss'd beneath the moon's cold beam.” - </p> - <p> - <br /> - </p> - <p> - The shock of this shameless confession was mitigated by the substitution - of the word “met” for “kiss'd”— - </p> - <p class="indent15"> - “We met beneath the moon's cold beam— - </p> - <p class="indent15"> - It was a dream—it was a dream!” - </p> - <p> - <br /> - </p> - <p> - “Nothing could be happier than the change,” said Lady Birnam. “It left so - much to the imagination.” - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0055" id="link2H_4_0055"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - II.—THE MUSICAL TABLEAUX - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>ome people have - been heard to affirm that there is too much music going on at - Broadminster. There may perhaps be some grounds for the assumption. At any - rate, it is certain that of late few concerts contributed to solely by - local talent have paid their expenses. The opinion seems to be general - that when the vocalists can be heard every day of the week free of charge - in the Minster, people are unwilling to pay three shillings, two - shillings, or even (back seats, unreserved) one shilling for listening to - them at a concert. - </p> - <p> - Some time ago, however, when the annual Coal Fund was started, it was - absolutely necessary to get up a concert to make a contribution to this - excellent charity; and Lady Birnam undertook the direction of the affair. - </p> - <p> - After consultation with some friends from a distance who were supposed to - have sounded all the depths of schemes for the relief of “deserving - objects,” she came to the conclusion that music, illustrated by <i>tableaux - vivants</i>, offered the greatest lure to the public. Such a combination - had never been attempted in the town, and its novelty would make an appeal - to the jaded palates of a concert-ridden community. - </p> - <p> - The plan of illustrating the music was quite a simple one. Certain - dramatic songs were selected and scenery painted to form a suitable - background for the episode treated in each; an illustrative group was - arranged against such a background, and when the curtain was raised after - the singing of each stanza it was like looking at the pictorial cover of - the song itself. - </p> - <p> - For instance, in “The Village Blacksmith” the baritone sang the first - stanza, up went the curtain, and there appeared on the platform a living - picture of the smith, brawny arms and all, in the act of raising a hammer - to strike a very red-hot horseshoe. The next stanza sung was that which - referred to the children looking in on the smithy, and when it was sung a - charming picture was displayed of immaculate children standing around the - door, while the smith neglected his work to pat them on the hair. The - third tableau showed the interior of a church with the smith in the family - pew raising his eyes pathetically as he hears his daughter's voice in the - choir. - </p> - <p> - The idea seemed a very pleasing one, and it had the “draw” of novelty - about it. It was found that several good songs lent themselves admirably - to illustration by tableaux, and the young men and maidens were pleased to - have the chance of posing in aid of a deserving charity. It so happened, - however, that Mr. Stamford's mother died only a few days before the date - of the first public performance, so that he was forced to remove his name - from the programme. He was to sing “She wore a Wreath of Roses,” and the - three groups that were arranged for the song were expected to be among the - most effective of the evening. - </p> - <p> - Mr. Stamford was very sorry to relinquish his intention of singing, but he - promised the Committee to provide the best substitute possible to get, and - this was a friend of his who occupied a position in a bank at Mallingham. - He promised to communicate with this gentleman and to tell him what he was - to do. He was sure to know “She wore a Wreath of Roses.” The substitute - turned up in good time: there was, of course, no need for a rehearsal! Mr. - Stamford had told him what he was to do, he said, and he preferred playing - his own accompaniment. - </p> - <p> - The first two sets of the evening were received with every token of - approval by the audience: the songs were “The Village Blacksmith” and - Pinsuti's “Night Watch”; and then the charming young lady in mid Victorian - dress, and with a wreath of pink roses on her dark hair, posed on the daïs - against a suitable background. The signal was given to the tenor, who was - seated at the piano behind the curtain. He struck a few chords and began - in excellent style. - </p> - <p> - <br /> - </p> - <p class="indent15"> - “Here a sheer hulk lies poor Tom Bowling.” - </p> - <p> - <br /> - </p> - <p> - He had actually got to the end of the first stanza before it dawned upon - any responsible person that this was not the “Wreath of Roses,” and before - he could be arrested he had declared that - </p> - <p> - <br /> - </p> - <p class="indent15"> - “Faithful below he did his du-i-ty, - </p> - <p class="indent15"> - And now-ow he's gaw-aw-en aloft.” - </p> - <p> - <br /> - </p> - <p> - Up went the curtain, revealing a refreshing picture of the pretty girl in - the muslin dress and the pink wreath, and after the usual interval for - applause the curtain fell. Never had the applause been louder: it caused - the members of the Committee who were preparing to strangle the singer to - lose their heads completely, and the singer was well through the second - stanza before they recovered themselves sufficiently to perceive that it - was now too late to do anything, and he went on complacently to say that - </p> - <p> - <br /> - </p> - <p class="indent15"> - “Tom never from his word departed——” - </p> - <p> - <br /> - </p> - <p> - and so on through the simple, pathetic stanza; and then the curtain rose - and showed the charming young lady in white satin among her bridesmaids at - the door of the church, and once again the applause was rapturous. - </p> - <p> - “Heavens above! what do the fools mean by applauding?” whispered the - chairman of the Committee. - </p> - <p> - “Let them go on if they please,” said some one. “They think that this is - Tom Bowling's bride—his fidelity is rewarded, that's the moral - illustrated. 'Tom never from his word departed'—there you are, you - see. 'His heart was kind and soft,' and the combined virtues have their - reward—<i>vide tableau.</i>” - </p> - <p> - Then those of the Committee who had some sense of humour hastened into the - anteroom to roar with laughter. They were still so engaged when the - curtain rose for the third and last time, showing poor Tom Bowling's widow - in appropriate garments. Having heard three times that Tom had gone aloft, - it would have been ridiculous if any less pathetic scene had been shown to - the audience. - </p> - <p> - The decent interval that elapsed before the applause came showed how - deeply affected was the audience. - </p> - <p> - But the singer at the piano was pounced upon by the Committee and - prevented from going on with his song. He protested that he had only sung - three verses, and that he was bound to finish it; but the Committee were - firm. Not another note would they let him sing, and he retired hurt. - </p> - <p> - He was questioned in the anteroom as to how on earth he came to sing “Tom - Bowling” when Mr. Stamford must have told him that his song was to be “She - wore a Wreath of Roses.” Did not Mr. Stamford tell him that? he was asked. - </p> - <p> - “Oh yes, he said that; but I wasn't going to sing that foolish, - sentimental rot. Anybody who knows anything about music will agree with me - in thinking that 'Tom Bowling' is worth a dozen of the other, and I'm - supposed to sing 'Tom Bowling' rather well.” - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0255.jpg" alt="0255 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0255.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - This was the explanation given by the visitor, and it was commented on - pretty freely by some of the Committee. - </p> - <p> - But the consensus of opinion among the audience and the critics was in - favour of the belief that the tableaux illustrating scenes in the life of - Tom Bowling—and his widow—were the most effective of the whole - entertainment. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0056" id="link2H_4_0056"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - III.—THE DRAMA - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>t must be obvious - to the least experienced that such a community as may be found in an - artistic neighbourhood like Broadminster will take kindly to amateur - theatricals. There are two dramatic clubs in Broadminster, and their - performances are highly appreciated by the members and their friends. The - rivalry between the two is quite amicable, for one set of amateurs devote - themselves to the lighter forms of the drama and the other to the loftier, - and perhaps they might be called without offence the heavier forms. It may - be mentioned that the former are the more popular, but those persons who - attend the representations of the latter consider themselves the more - superior—as indeed they are; otherwise they would have accorded the - tribute of a sunny smile to a little bit of dialogue, with accompanying - action, which took place in a performance of <i>King Renes Daughter</i> - which it was my privilege to attend. - </p> - <p> - At one place the King and the Moorish physician have had a long scene - together, for the physician is certainly inclined to be long-winded. They - go out together, and a couple of the courtiers enter the garden and - express surprise not to find the others waiting for them. One of them says— - </p> - <p> - “The King is gone, nor can I see the leech.” - </p> - <p> - Now, if the amateur had simply said the words, his meaning, I believe, - unless I am over-sanguine, would have been understood. But when, after - shading his eyes with a hand while he gazed into the distance of stately - trees and saying, “The King is gone,” he bent his eyes to the ground and - moved a stone or two about with his toe before adding, “Nor can I see the - leech,” I am inclined to think he puzzled some of his audience. - </p> - <p> - I had the curiosity to inquire what was in his mind when he sent his eyes - roaming about the ground while he grubbed with his feet, and I learned - that he thought it would be quite natural for any one searching for a - leech to move the stones about to see if it was concealing itself in the - earth. - </p> - <p> - He was evidently under the impression that the wise physician was - habitually followed by a pet leech, or perhaps that he had brought it with - him to try what effect it would have upon the Princess's eyes, and that it - had escaped through a hole in his waistcoat pocket. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER FOURTEEN—THE LIGHTER SIDE OF CLERICAL LIFE - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0058" id="link2H_4_0058"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I.—THE FRANK CANON - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> DO NOT THINK - THAT, TAKING THEM all round, the Cathedral dignitaries of Broadminster can - be accused of assuming a greater importance than is due to their position; - but a story is told about a Canon, lately deceased, which goes far to - prove that he at least did not shrink from putting forward what he - believed to be a reasonable claim to distinction—relative - distinction. It is said that he was in the one bookseller's shop which is - still to be found in the town. It was Saturday evening, when a stranger - entered and, after buying a book, inquired of the proprietor who was the - best preacher in the place: he explained that he was staying over Sunday - and was anxious to hear the best. - </p> - <p> - This was too delicate a question for the bookseller (with a clergyman at - his elbow) to answer at a moment's notice; so he thought he would do well - to evade the responsibility by referring the stranger to the Canon. - </p> - <p> - “This gentleman is a stranger to the town, sir,” he said, “and he wishes - to know who is the best preacher. I thought that perhaps you, sir——” - </p> - <p> - “I hope you will pardon me, sir,” said the stranger. “I am staying here - till Monday, and I ventured to inquire who is the best preacher.” - </p> - <p> - “The best preacher, sir?” said the Canon, looking up from the book which - he was sampling. “The best preacher? I am the best preacher, sir: I am - Canon Hillman.” - </p> - <p> - The stranger was slightly startled. - </p> - <p> - “Thank you very much, sir,” he said quickly. “And who do you consider the - next best?” - </p> - <p> - “The next best is my brother, sir, the Reverend Theophilus Hillman.” - </p> - <p> - The stranger raised his hat and hurried away. - </p> - <p> - This Canon Hillman had a reputation for that sort of frankness suggested - by the story which I have ventured to repeat as it was told to me, and - which I have no difficulty in believing, from the example I had of his - manner several years ago. I was sojourning at an hotel between Nice and - Beaulieu, and he appeared one night at table d'hôte dinner. It was the - custom for the proprietor, who, curiously enough, did not speak or - understand English, though he was a Swiss, to stand at the entrance to the - <i>salle à manger</i>, bowing out his guests as they passed into the - spacious lounge after dinner, and in returning his courtesy, people said a - word or two in commendation of his cuisine, to which he responded with - further bows. - </p> - <p> - It so happened upon this particular night, however, that one or two little - mistakes had occurred to mar the harmony of the repast as a whole—they - were quite trifles—the <i>pré salé</i> being underdone and a jelly - not having set with that rigidity which is expected in such comestibles, - but which is not always to be found in them. - </p> - <p> - While we were filing out of the room I was almost immediately behind Canon - Hillman, and I heard him grumbling to a man who had been at his table, but - who did not seem to sympathise with him; and this went on until they had - reached the bowing proprietor, when the Canon stopped. - </p> - <p> - “I wish to tell you, sir, that I have never eaten a worse dinner at any - hotel in my life,” he said. “There was not a dish that any one could eat—I - consider it simply outrageous.” - </p> - <p> - Not one word did the man understand, for the Canon had spoken in English. - The proprietor smiled and bowed most placidly, saying—“<i>Je vous - remercie mille fois, m'sieur—votre compliment est très distingué—très - gracieux; je suis heureux—merci!</i>” - </p> - <p> - He had too hastily assumed that the clergyman had offered him the usual - congratulations upon his cuisine, and he had replied with more than his - customary politeness, the visitor having shown himself to be much more - enthusiastic than the ordinary run of people had time to be, considering - that most of them were counting the moments until they should be in the - Casino at Monte Carlo. - </p> - <p> - I did not know who the very frank clergyman was at that time; but four or - five years later I recognised him at Broadminster. - </p> - <p> - His brother, the second best preacher, assuming the correctness of the - Canon's judgment, though perhaps it might have been reversed on appeal, - was rector of one of the parishes, and it was rumoured that he was not - disposed at any time to take too humble a view of his claims to - distinction, however slow other people might be to admit their validity. - It is said that upon one occasion, on his return from a visit to the Holy - Land, he preached a sermon giving some striking examples of the fulfilment - of prophecy in connection with the topography of Palestine. - </p> - <p> - “My dear friends,” he said, “I was particularly struck with the accuracy - of some of the details of the prophecies, when one day I was among the - ruins of one of those cities referred to in the Sacred Writings. I had the - Book in my hand, and I read that the land should be in heaps: I looked up, - and there were heaps on every side. I read that the bittern should cry - there: I looked up, and, lo, a bittern was standing there in its - loneliness. I read that the minister of the Lord should mourn there. My - dear friends, <i>I was that minister</i>.” - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0059" id="link2H_4_0059"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - II.—THE “CHARPSON” - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he only clergyman - in Broadminster who, so far as I have heard, was fully qualified to take a - place in one of the Barchester groups was a person named Gilliman. He was - a small, stout gentleman with a comical ruddy face and sparse, bristly - grizzly hair. He had no benefice, but was one of those unattached parsons - who, in the phrase of the servants' registry office, was ready to “oblige” - either by the day or as locum tenens for an absent incumbent. He had been - left a small competence by his mother—quite enough for a clerical - bachelor to live on, and he was a bachelor. He never sought for a job, but - when he got one he proved that he held fast to the excellent precept that - the labourer is worthy of his hire. If any brother parson expected that he - would take his duty out of love or zeal, that parson left himself open to - disappointment. I think he would have made a worthy curate to Mr. - Quiverful; but Mr. Quiverful would have felt so chastened in spirit by his - proximity that he would have got rid of him within a month. - </p> - <p> - He was a zealous patron of the amateur, whether musical or dramatic. He - could always be depended on to buy one of the cheaper, but never one of - the cheapest, tickets for a concert or a comedy, and he seemed as pleased - with the most incompetent amateur as with the best. He was socially - unambitious; no one seemed to invite him to any function, with the - exception of the Dean's annual garden party: he went to this, and so did - every one else. - </p> - <p> - It was not until he had been a resident in Broad-minster for several years - that people found out why he had settled in that town. It might be - supposed that there were enough clergymen here to serve as a reservoir for - all the neighbourhood in an emergency. I once heard an American lady who - was on a cathedral tour through Europe say just outside Santa Croce on a - feast day: “There are priests to burn in Florence if I do my sums right.” - Her slang meant that there was a superfluity of the clergy in that city, - and perhaps she was right. I will not make use of her slang in referring - to Broadminster, but assuredly it might strike anyone that there was a - sufficient number of clerics in the purlieu of the Minster to meet the - needs of the neighbourhood without making the presence of so accommodating - a person as Mr. Gilliman a convenience. In an unguarded moment, however, - he confessed to some one that years ago, when he had first come to the - town, it was his earnest hope to drop into some vacant stall in the - Minster. He had dreams of being appointed to a canonry by some fortunate - combination of circumstances, and he had gone on waiting for such an - accident, and meantime attending all the amateur performances in the - place. - </p> - <p> - He was a very good preacher, people said who had heard him, and others who - had not heard him; but few were aware of how he managed to excel in a - direction that seemed just the opposite to the bent of such a man. The - truth was that his father had been a zealous rector of a parish in - Devonshire, and had bequeathed to him a large sackful of sermons that he - had preached to his flock since his ordination; and when the fortunate - legatee was called on “to oblige” for an absent cleric, he simply put his - hand into the mouth of the sack and drew out a sermon, put it into his - pocket, and went away and preached it in due course, dropping it into his - sermon sack on his return. Thus it was that people said he preached much - better than they expected—and he probably did so; but he could not - tell you the next day on what subject he had preached. - </p> - <p> - That legacy and his impartial system of dealing with it served him in good - stead; but upon one occasion it might have caused him to feel some - awkwardness if he had not been so completely detached from his duty in the - pulpit. The fact was that he had been called away at a moment's notice to - take the duty for a clergyman who had knocked himself up by umpiring in a - cricket match on a very hot Saturday. He had never been to the place - before, so he had to look up trains and connections, and by the time he - had got out of this maze the train that he had selected was almost ready - to start. He hurried to the faithful sack and pulled out a fat sermon - roll, and rushed away for the station. - </p> - <p> - He was lucky in catching the train and the subsequent connections, and - arrived at the church with nearly half an hour to spare. He went through - the service and found himself in the pulpit with his sermon opened on the - cushion in front of him. - </p> - <p> - Now it so happened that the discourse which he had drawn in his usual way - from the paternal sack was the valedictory sermon preached by his father - in the church of which he had been rector for forty years, and there was - the son beginning it in a church which he had never seen before that - morning! - </p> - <p> - He was quite unconscious of any want of felicity in his choice. He began - the sermon and went through with it, feeling no qualm. He had every - confidence in the orthodoxy of his father; he would never get into a - scrape through preaching what the dear old man had preached years ago. And - so he went onto tell his congregation that more than forty years had - passed since he had first stood before them to preach the Gospel of Truth, - and that every year of that forty he had stood where he was standing - to-day, Sunday after Sunday—that he saw before him aged men and - women whom he had known as young men and maidens—that by the favour - of Heaven he had lived to baptize the offspring of those whom he had - himself baptized in their infancy—yea, unto the third generation he - had come, and now he was standing before them for the last time. The hour - of parting had come, and would any among them say that that hour was not - bitter to them all? - </p> - <p> - Well, no one did go so far as to assert that the hour was not bitter to - them all. I was assured that the congregation were bathed in tears, so - affected were they by the thought that the clergyman who had “obliged” for - the day was about to vacate the pulpit for ever. They felt the blow deeply—much - more deeply than the parson seemed to feel it, for he managed to hold back - his tears so long as he was in the pulpit, though his marvellous powers of - self-repression may have deserted him an hour later, and he may have - broken down utterly in the train when making the return journey; the - chances are, however, that he did nothing of the sort, for he had not the - remotest idea what the sermon had been about. - </p> - <p> - And the strangest thing of all in connection with this incident is that - the churchwardens expressed themselves as greatly pleased with the sermon, - and one of them referring to it the next day in the hearing of my - informant, said he had never been so affected in his life as he was under - the influence of the sermon, and he hoped that the eloquent clergyman - would be able to preach it again in the near future. - </p> - <p> - It is quite likely that his wish was gratified, though I do not think that - any one who had the best interests of the Church at heart would advocate - the adoption of the farewell tours system of the popular actor or singer - by the clergy. It might hurt the susceptibilities of some members of a - congregation to hear a clergyman bid an affecting farewell to a crowd of - people who were complete strangers to him, and the sincerity of his sorrow - might be called in question when they reflected that an ordinary man can - scarcely be broken-hearted at the thought of never seeing again the faces - he had never seen before. But that, of course, involves the question of - how far the susceptibilities of the weaker brethren should be considered. - </p> - <p> - My informant, who was present upon the occasion referred to, was also a - stranger to the place. He was staying with the doctor's family, and, - walking home from the church, the doctor's wife remarked how beautiful the - sermon had been. - </p> - <p> - “Your rector bears his age very well,” said her companion. “He does not - look a day over forty, and yet, according to his own account, he must be - at least sixty-five.” - </p> - <p> - “Our rector? But that clergyman is not our rector,” said the lady. “Our - rector is ill; the one we had today came to do duty for him. He is a - stranger.” - </p> - <p> - “But why, then, should he talk of having baptized half the congregation - and married the other half—of never having been absent from the - pulpit for forty years and more?” asked the man. - </p> - <p> - “Oh, you are hypercritical!” cried the lady. “Some latitude should be - allowed to clergymen. He only made use of one of the figures of speech of - the pulpit.” - </p> - <p> - It is recorded of the same estimable charpson—if a parson who also - discharges the duties of a squire has been called a squarson, may not one - who goes out like a charwoman by the day be called a charpson?—that - upon one occasion he was asked to do duty for an absent clergyman at a - village in Hampshire, but the contract was for the morning service only. - When he was disrobing in the vestry after preaching the ser mon, a couple - of churchwardens approached him on the subject of the evening service - also. He said that he would be very pleased indeed to take the evening - service, but of course he should have to receive another guinea. The - churchwardens demurred. They said they thought that, as he was on the spot—— - </p> - <p> - He shook his head. - </p> - <p> - “I cannot see that that has anything to do with the case,” said the - clergyman. “One service and sermon, one guinea; two services and two - sermons, two guineas.” - </p> - <p> - The officials agreed that the article was marked in plain figures; but - still they thought—— Well, would he consent to take the - evening service for another half-guinea? - </p> - <p> - After thinking over the proposal, the clergyman consented to do so; and - then one of the wardens suggested that perhaps Mr. Gilliman would not mind - saying just a few words—not a sermon—not a regular sermon, of - course, but just a few words—to the congregation after the evening - service. - </p> - <p> - After some further thought Mr. Gilliman said he would have no objection to - say a few words in this way, and the wardens thanked him and handed him a - sovereign, a half-sovereign, a shilling, and a sixpence. They went so far - as to pay him for the evening in advance, to show that they had unlimited - confidence in him. - </p> - <p> - On his part he resolved to prove to them that their confidence in him was - not misplaced; so, after reading the evening service, he came to the front - of the altar-rails and said— - </p> - <p> - “Dear brethren, I have been asked to say a few words to you at this time - instead of preaching the customary sermon. What I wish to say to each and - every one of you whom I see assembled before me—and what I think it - is the intention of your churchwardens that I should communicate to you—is - that there will be no sermon in this church to-night. Let us sing, to the - praise and glory of God, the ninety-second Hymn.” - </p> - <p> - He easily caught the late train to London, though the evening service in - respect of trains is much more irregular than that at which he had - presided in the church. - </p> - <p> - The Reverend Herbert Gilliman, B.A.Oxon, never received preferment; but - some one remarked to me after his death, when touching on his career, that - far less worthy parsons had been appointed to a cure of souls by the - patrons of livings, without the parishioners having any voice whatever in - the matter. - </p> - <p> - I agreed with him, and said that I thought they managed these things - better in Scotland, where the candidate minister preached once or twice to - the congregation to allow of their judging of his powers before they - accepted him. - </p> - <p> - “Yes,” he assented. “I think that the application of the hire-purchase - system in these matters is highly desirable.” - </p> - <p> - “It's not exactly the hire-purchase system,” said a purist in phrases. “It - is more of the 'on sale or return' system of business.” - </p> - <p> - “What was in my mind,” said a third, “was a tasting order for spirits in - bond.” - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0060" id="link2H_4_0060"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - III.—THE BIBLE CLASS - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> prefaced my - repetition of passages in the career of the Reverend Herbert Gilliman with - an expression of my belief that he was the only cleric in Broadminster who - suggested to me one of the slightly shop-soiled clergymen in Anthony - Trollope's Barchester novels. Of the ladies of the Close or the ladies of - the Palace I have never heard of one who, in the remotest degree, - suggested a relationship with Mrs. Proudie. - </p> - <p> - I have heard, however, of the recent appearance of a lady, who is said to - have an intimate acquaintance with the Greek language, at the weekly - meeting of the Bible class, presided over by the Dean, who, it is said, - has also got some knowledge of the same tongue. The Minster Bible class is - one of the most exclusive of lady's clubs. It is understood that no one is - eligible for membership who has not been presented at Court—at least - so some one, who was not a member, affirmed. Another defined it as a sort - of religious Almack's; but it was a man, and a clergyman into the bargain, - who said it was an attempt to run an eighteenth-century French salon on - Church of England lines. - </p> - <p> - Without resembling Mrs. Proudie in even the most distant way, the lady of - whom I have heard has succeeded, I am told, in changing the whole - character of the Bible class—all through her knowledge of Greek. - Without being in any way insolent or even self-assertive, she has, I think - I am right in stating, openly differed from the interpretation put upon - certain passages by the Dean himself; and no human being in Broadminster - is recorded to have differed from the Dean on any point whatsoever. But - she was a stranger and apparently unacquainted with the best traditions of - the town; and, moreover, it was the Dean himself who invited her to join - the Bible class. And when she suggests quite a different interpretation of - a text from that advanced by the Dean, referring him to certain of the - newest “readings” as her authority, he does not seem to be in the least - irritated; indeed, on one occasion, when the question arose as to the - exact shade of St. Paul's meaning when he made use of the particle <i>ôi</i>, - the Dean was understood to say that he thought the lady's suggestion well - worthy of consideration. - </p> - <p> - All the higher orders of the clerical establishment—those who are, - so to speak, “on the strength” of the Chapter—those to whom the - great Lord Shaftesbury would have given, without the reservation of a - single finger, his whole hand to shake—are not, however, so meek as - Mr. Dean, and it is whispered that two or three of them have recently been - keeping the Bible class at a distance, while others, in view of being - called on to preside at one of its meetings, have been seen searching on - their bookshelves for Liddell and Scott and blowing the dust off the - edges. - </p> - <p> - All the old members of the class are declaring, however, that in future - they will make complete ignorance of Greek an essential to membership. The - very existence of a Bible class assumes ignorance, and no one has any - business to belong to it who is capable of differing from the Dean, or, at - least, who is sufficiently tactless to express such a divergence of - opinion even though she may be sure of her ground. - </p> - <p> - Such a show of feeling in this matter goes far to assure Broadminster that - there is no chance of Mrs. Proudie being tolerated in the diocese. - </p> - <p> - When I was walking down the principal street of Broadminster—the - street on which the leading silversmith and the leading draper have their - premises—there went past a very high carriage. I hesitate to refer - to it as “well appointed,” this chapter not being one of a novel, and, - besides, I do not quite know what is meant by a well-appointed carriage; - but the vehicle to which I refer was high, its horses were well matched - and good steppers, and the coachman and footman were also a match pair. - The young person with whom I was walking bowed to the occupants of the - carriage—a young cleric and an extremely goodlooking and - well-dressed lady. - </p> - <p> - “Nice looking people,” I ventured to remark. “You know them, it would - appear.” - </p> - <p> - “Know them? I should think I do know them: he is our curate,” replied my - companion, who was, I may mention, the daughter of a clergyman. - </p> - <p> - “The Church is looking up when curates sit behind high-stepping bays,” - said I. - </p> - <p> - “He is the best curate we ever had,” said she. “He is the most obliging - man ever known. He never grumbles at having to take both services some - Sundays and to preach as well—a splendid preacher, too—never - longer than a quarter of an hour.” - </p> - <p> - “Anything else?” I inquired. - </p> - <p> - “Yes,” she said slowly and with something of awe in her voice. “He is a - one bisquer at croquet!” - </p> - <p> - I tried to catch sight of the carriage and its bays, but it must have been - a mile away by this time. - </p> - <p> - “And he does all that out of the hundred and fifty pounds a year your - father pays him?” - </p> - <p> - “He does indeed, eked out by the five thousand a year his father left him: - his father was Sir Edmund Bonnewell, the great contractor. You have heard - of him?” - </p> - <p> - I had. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0061" id="link2H_4_0061"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - IV.—THE ENCYCLOPÆDIC PARSON - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>t is impossible - that every one should be fully informed on all points even in so - enlightened a community as Broadminster; but there is one clergyman who - has a reputation for being the most artful fisherman in the Close, and of - being always able to answer any question that may be put to him by the - most casual inquirer. I heard him discussing the origin of a fire that had - taken place in the town a few days before, and, as is usual in these days, - it was said to have been due to a short circuit in the electric wires. - </p> - <p> - “I have often wondered what a short circuit is,” said a lady. “Can you - tell me what it is, Mr. Tomlinson?” - </p> - <p> - “A short circuit? Oh, it's very simple,” said the fully informed parson. - “A short circuit is when—when—oh yes, when it is only a very - short way from the electric lamp to where the wire is joined on to the - cable.” - </p> - <p> - “And that causes the fire?” she asked. - </p> - <p> - “Oh, of course—it is bound to, sooner or later.” - </p> - <p> - “I wonder why they don't make it longer then.” - </p> - <p> - “Oh, that's the way they scamp everything nowadays.” - </p> - <p> - Only a few days had passed before I heard him telling another lady of the - good luck that had attended the pottering about bookstalls indulged in by - a brother parson in a neighbouring town. - </p> - <p> - “He wrote to me a few days ago, to tell me that he had picked up a genuine - 'Breeches' Bible for sixpence,” he said; “and only a short time before he - bought a fine Aldine for fourpence. What luck!” - </p> - <p> - “Extraordinary,” said the lady. “I'm afraid that I forget what a - 'Breeches' Bible is, Mr. Tomlinson.” He laughed good-naturedly. - </p> - <p> - “Pray, what is a 'Breeches' Bible?” she asked coaxingly. - </p> - <p> - He was quite ready for her. - </p> - <p> - “A 'Breeches' Bible?” he cried. “Oh, a 'Breeches' Bible is the one that - was carried by Cromwell's troopers in their pockets; it was made specially - for carrying about—small, you know, and compact. I remember reading - that several of the soldiers had their lives saved owing to the bullets - having lodged in the volume in their breeches pocket.” - </p> - <p> - “Not really?” said the lady. “How very interesting! I do believe that I - heard something like that having happened, I forget where.” - </p> - <p> - I wondered if the Reverend Mr. Tomlinson was not, after all, something of - a humourist—if he was not engaged in that delicate dynamic operation - known as “pulling her leg.” I had good reason to know some time - afterwards, however, that there was no foundation for my suspicion in this - direction. He spoke what he imagined must be true, and he was too lazy to - verify his own conclusions. - </p> - <p> - When the lady asked him— - </p> - <p> - “And what might be the real value of one of those Bibles?” he replied— - </p> - <p> - “Anything from a thousand pounds up. I believe that one was bought by an - American a short time ago for over four thousand pounds.” - </p> - <p> - “What! Not really? A thousand pounds?” she cried. “Will you kindly give me - his address? I must write to him for a subscription for our new bells.” - </p> - <p> - “For goodness' sake don't tell him that you heard of his good luck from - me,” cried Mr. Tomlinson. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0062" id="link2H_4_0062"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - V.—THE ALMONERS - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0014" id="linkimage-0014"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0281.jpg" alt="0281 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0281.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he recognised - Church charities of Broadminster are numerous and constantly increasing. - To be connected in some way with a charitable organisation seems to offer - an irresistible attraction to some people, chiefly ladies; and every now - and again a new lady starts up in Church circles with a new scheme of - compelling people to accept alms or the equivalent, or of increasing the - usefulness of the Church. The amount of time these masterful persons - expend in reading papers embodying the most appalling of platitudes of - sentiment, and betraying even a more astounding ignorance of political - economy than a Chancellor of the Exchequer has ever revealed in a Budget - speech, is astounding. All these papers, so far as I can gather, assume - that only what their patrons call “the lower classes” stand in need of the - reforms they suggest. They take it for granted that a cottage-mother, who - has had perhaps thirty years' experience of making a pound a week do duty - for twenty-five shillings, stands in need of instruction at the hands of a - mansion-mother who cannot keep out of debt with an income of a thousand a - year. - </p> - <p> - If I were a person in authority with a voice in framing the conditions - which must be conformed with by all ladies who put themselves forward in - the advocacy of some of these great social schemes, I would decree that no - lady who uses a tortoiseshell lorgnette with a long handle should be - permitted to read a paper, or to receive the <i>laissez-passer</i> of any - organisation to a house the valuation of which is less than twenty-five - pounds a year. As a medium of insulting patronage, nothing that has ever - been invented approaches in power this particular weapon in the - well-gloved hands of a well-furred, middle-aged lady who studies with some - reason all advertisements addressed to those with a tendency to stoutness. - (I have gone a long way about to avoid hurting the susceptibilities of any - one.) - </p> - <p> - Only once did I see an attack with this weapon successfully repulsed. - There was an extremely pretty girl in the centre of the drawing-room, when - a couple of those ladies whose existence I have hinted at entered and - immediately began a frontal attack through the glazed tortoiseshell with - the long handles, and the little forced smiles that accompanied the - movement showed them to be old campaigners. They brought the pretty girl - into focus, conning her from head to foot and exchanging whispered - comments upon the result of their scrutiny. The girl saw them, and, to - paraphrase the poet, they “by tact of trade were well aware that that girl - knew they were looking at her”; but that fact had no effect upon them. - They continued their scrutiny and their whisperings, and I saw the girl's - face become rosy. But then I saw that she was “limbering up” and would go - into action in a moment. - </p> - <p> - She did. She was talking to an elder lady, who might have been her mother, - and the latter had one of the same long-handled glasses lying on her muff. - In an instant the girl had possessed herself of it, slipped it off its - swivel, and was using it precisely as the others were using theirs, only - returning their fire, so to speak. Then she whispered something over her - hand to her companion, who laughed outright. That was enough for the - attacking force: their battery was silenced; but the girl refused to - withdraw, and for quite five minutes, I think, they were well aware that - her eyes were upon them. Wherever they went they felt that they were still - within her range, and that her innocent smile was playing about them. I - never saw two more uneasy ladies in my life, and I trust that they learned - their lesson. - </p> - <p> - The most singular point in this connection is that the girl was known to - her friends as shy and retiring by nature—a less self-assertive girl - could not be imagined. It seems to me that there is a lesson to be learned - from this fact in addition to that which it is to be hoped she taught her - elders, who certainly did not possess her shyness: it is the lesson of the - rousing of a feminine instinct of defence, which is exhibited in another - form when the defence is that of offspring. Even the most timid feminine - thing will act in direct opposition to its reputed nature when called on - to defend its young; and even the most retiring girl may assume an - offensive attitude under the provocation of poised tortoiseshell and - elevated eyebrows. - </p> - <p> - But I am pretty sure that that nice girl, when she went home and was alone - in her room, sang no song of Miriam as she recalled her triumph. No, if - she did not shed some tears at the thought of how she had behaved in so - unaccountable away, I am greatly mistaken. - </p> - <p> - The comedy of the administration of charity has yet to be written; but - when such a work is taken in hand I trust that a chapter will be devoted - to the self-denying industry of the Misses Gifford. These two elderly - ladies are the daughters of a deceased jerry-builder, and they enjoy a - large income, the greater portion of which is derived from insanitary - house property; and they are devoted to good works, including the - amelioration of the condition of the poor. Every year they issue - invitations to a show of their good works at their own house, and these - are found to take the form of coarsely knitted woollen socks, thick - mufflers made of the cheapest materials, petticoats constructed out of - blankets that have been consigned to the rag-basket, and aprons out of - tablecloths that have been rescued from the dustbin. Some of the articles - of clothing seem to represent in themselves the heterogeneousness of a - jumble sale, and all are cheap, shoddy, and shapeless. And yet this pair - of feminine philanthropists show all comers round the room where they are - exhibited with sparkling eyes and faces glowing with proper pride at the - result of their industry. They worry the local newspapers for a paragraph - that shall make all the world acquainted with their benevolence, and now - and again their importunity is rewarded. - </p> - <p> - What becomes of the conglomeration of horrors which they create in the - name of charity no one seems to know; but it is impossible to imagine any - self-respecting family so far forgetting what is due to themselves as to - wear such things. For themselves, it is well known that the Misses Gifford - never forget what is due to them, or to insist on its payment on the day - that it becomes due. They have a brother who, without being an active - philanthropist, is well worthy of them. He collects the rents from their - insanitary tenements, and he does so with a ruthless hand. There is no - measure of bluff or bluster of which he is not a master. But there are - scores of people in their own town who see the dear old maiden ladies in - church and say that they remind them of <i>Cranford</i> and <i>Quality - Street!</i> - </p> - <p> - But knowing as I did a good deal about them, I was reminded more of an - earlier work still in which the devourers of widows' houses were said to - be Pharisees as well. Such a pair of feminine Pharisees as those whom I - call the Misses Gifford—Gifford is not, of course, their real name—are - hardly to be found outside their own town. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER FIFTEEN—THE CROQUET LAWNS - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0064" id="link2H_4_0064"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I.—A CONGENIAL PURSUIT - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">N</span>O MENTION OF - BURFORD WOULD BE complete unless two-thirds of the account were given over - to its croquet ground and its croquet practitioners. - </p> - <p> - An exhaustive, or even a perfunctory, reference to sport is out of place - in any description of the lighter side of life in the provinces, for - people in all levels of life take their games very seriously, and croquet, - as played nowadays, is the most serious of pursuits. Clergymen who - practise it habitually seek for relaxation from the strain its seriousness - imposes on them in the pages of the Fathers. It is a matter of common - knowledge that a clergyman in charge of a parish in Burford invariably - writes out his sermons during the three-ball breaks of his opponents. It - is supposed to be <i>de rigueur</i> for a player who has let his, or her, - opponent 'in' to take no interest whatever in that opponent's strokes when - making a break. It is supposed that if you pay any attention to your - opponent's play you may put him, or her, off; and so scrupulous are some - players lest they should put an antagonist off, they occasionally stroll - off the court and return with a bored look only when they are sent for. - But the chivalry of the habitual croquet players really knows no bounds. - Another of their characteristics is absolutely quixotic. It takes the form - of walking off the court as if the game were already finished when an - opponent has yet to make three or four hoops before pegging-out; the - object of such a move being, of course, to give an opponent more - confidence at a critical moment. - </p> - <p> - It is a doubtful point, however, and I have never heard it decided by a - referee, if this object is likely to be effected by a losing player - breaking the handle of her mallet across her knee when she has failed to - shoot in; though one cannot doubt that only a spirit of self-denial - actuates such a player as makes a point of placing in the form of pennies - on a chair, at the opposite side of the court from where she sits, the - bisques to which her opponent is entitled, thus putting herself to the - trouble of walking across, interrupting her opponent's play when the - latter had taken a bisque, in order to remove one of the pennies. - </p> - <p> - The people who sneer at croquet are those who have no knowledge of the - game as played nowadays on such courts as there are at Broadminster. There - is no more scientific game, nor is there one that demands a more unerring - judgment, a steadier hand, or a clearer eye. - </p> - <p> - Croquet seems to be the ideal game for the freak, the cripple, or the - aged. One of the best players in the neighbourhood is the chaplain to a - lunatic asylum. He has a large amount of practice. - </p> - <p> - During the past few years the champion lawns have been invaded by - schoolboys and schoolgirls, with the result that some of the best prizes - have been carried off by them. - </p> - <p> - I cannot imagine a more melancholy sight than that of half a dozen healthy - boys, who should be at cricket or lawn-tennis, solemnly and slowly - knocking the balls through the hoops and stolidly going through the - operations of “peeling,” “laying up,” “wiring,” and the like. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0065" id="link2H_4_0065"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - II.—THE PLAYERS - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">B</span>ut even croquet - has its lighter moments. I witnessed a match some time ago between a - well-set-up cavalry officer (retired with the rank of Major-General) and a - cub of a lad—a slouching, hulking fellow whose gait showed that he - had never had a day's athletic training. The boy won and went grinning off - the lawns. His mother received him with grins, and the General walked away - in the direction of the river. It occurred to me that people should keep - an eye upon him. But he did not even fling his mallet into the stream. - </p> - <p> - He turned up a little later at another court, and this time he was - victorious. - </p> - <p> - But against whom? - </p> - <p> - Against a stout elderly lady crippled with rheumatism; and he just managed - to beat her through making a lucky shot! - </p> - <p> - It seems to me to be marvellous that, with the possibilities of such - humiliation before players, any except the decrepit should be found - willing to take part in tournaments. - </p> - <p> - There can be no doubt, however, as to the absorbing power of croquet upon - certain temperaments. I have met an elderly lady of Early Victorian - proportions who, I am positive, can recollect the details of every match - she has ever played. If she were not able to do so she would sometimes be - compelled to sit in silence, for to her conversation means nothing beyond - a recapitulation of her croquet games. Try her as you may upon other - topics, it is no use. She seems intensely bored if you touch upon the - theatre, and to music and the other arts she is rather more than - indifferent. Indifference might be represented as “scratch,” but her - attitude can only be represented by a minus sign. On art she should be a - -3, on music a -6, and on literature a -20. These are her handicaps, so - far as I am capable of judging. - </p> - <p> - She is the terror of the managers of tournaments, such a hole-and-corner - game as she plays. She never leaves anything to chance: she invariably - sends herself into a corner. Her most dashing game occupies four hours. It - is said that she has strong views on the subject of assimilating the game - of croquet with the game of cricket in regard to the duration of a match. - If it takes three days to play a cricket match, why should not the same - limits be extended to a croquet match? she wishes to know. The reply that - is suggested by the people with whom she has played is that even at a - three-day match she would complain bitterly that she was hustled by the - managers. At present her life seems a perpetual complaint. During the - season she grumbles her way from tournament to tournament; and when she - seats herself by the side of an unwary person to watch a match, even - though it is a final for the cup, she immediately begins to describe one - of her games—it may be one that took place five years before—and - keeps on giving detail after detail of trivialities, with a complete - disregard of the excitements of the court where she is sitting and the - applause of the crowd at some brilliant play—on she rumbles, unless - her unwilling confidant rises and flies for covert. It takes her even - longer to describe one of her games than it does to play it. Her latest - complaint is that croquet players are becoming very unsociable, the basis - of her charge being that when she approaches a court to sit down and watch - a game, the people on the chairs whom she knows quite well get up and go - away. She does not believe that in every case they do so, as was - suggested, to give her a choice of chairs. - </p> - <p> - She thinks that those should remain whom she has known for some years. It - does not appear ever to have occurred to her that they get up and fly - because they have known her for some years. - </p> - <p> - Another <i>devotée</i> has become so absorbed in her cult as to become - upon occasions an embarrassment to her relations. Of course no one makes - any remark upon a player thinking of nothing besides croquet: it is - assumed that a lady who means to become a player will not waste time - thinking about anything else. - </p> - <p> - <br /> - </p> - <p class="indent15"> - “Man's croquet is of man's life a thing apart. - </p> - <p class="indent15"> - 'Tis woman's sole existence.” - </p> - <p> - <br /> - </p> - <p> - That is acknowledged as only reasonable; but it must sometimes be - embarrassing to the relations of this lady when at a dinner party she - refuses an offered entrée on the ground that she is wired, or when she - checks a neighbour for taking a meringue because he or she has previously - been playing with the green. It appears quite feasible to me, however, - that the green of the salad and the white of the meringue should suggest - to a thoughtful croquet player the need for such a caution as is - attributed to her on good authority; nor do I think it so very - unreasonable that on allowing herself to be carried on a 'bus beyond her - destination, through thinking out a croquet problem, she should, on being - informed by the conductor that the vehicle went no farther, say—“What - a fool I was not to take a bisque sooner!” - </p> - <p> - It is said that this same lady caused a considerable flutter in a railway - carriage one day when she was working out another croquet problem, and was - heard to mutter—“Shall I shoot now?” - </p> - <p> - Any time I chanced to look in at a croquet tournament on the beautiful - lawns at Broadminster I came away with a laugh, and upon more than one - occasion I found that the laugh was against myself. Long ago I was - accustomed to look with a pathetic interest at the reappearance year after - year of the beautiful mother of a beautiful daughter at the tournament. - Surely, I thought, there could not be a more pathetic sight than that of a - mother with a picturesque home and a husband, setting out from both, early - in the month of June, when the rosery is becoming a paradise of blossom, - and travelling from country town to country town and from one hotel to - another, without intermission until October, for the sake of being by the - side of a daughter who has given up her life to the game. - </p> - <p> - The laugh came in when I found that the mother was more devoted to looking - on at croquet than the girl was to playing the game! The pathetic figure - was really the daughter, who was acting as companion to her mother to - enable her with propriety to gratify her passion for watching people play - croquet. The daughter complained a little at first, but now she says she - has come to see that she should be unselfish and sink her own inclinations - so that her mother may have some innocent enjoyment. - </p> - <p> - She looks very carefully after her mother, and is even able sometimes to - exchange a few words with her at intervals during the day's play. - </p> - <p> - Since I found this out I have never allowed myself to be carried away in - pity for one who elects to play the part of onlooker at a game of croquet. - People who spend their time looking on at croquet are deserving of no - pity. - </p> - <p> - I have been told that when hospitality is offered to some of the visitors - by people in Broadminster during the tournament week, it is now not - invariably accepted without caution and preliminary inquiry. A bitter - story was imparted to me by a man who had been kindly invited by one of - the inhabitants to stay at his house for the croquet week. My friend - gratefully accepted, and as the whole of the local family were players, he - was brought up to their villa after the first day's play. He found the - house a charming one of its class, and he thought himself lucky in his - billet. Dinner was served, and then the little rift within the hospitable - lute was suggested: there was no wine offered to him! The hissing of - syphons round the table gave expression to his views on the subject of - such hospitality; but what could he say in reply to his host when the - latter turned to him, remarking quite pleasantly—“This is a teetotal - household: no strong drink of any kind is allowed to enter it. Will you - have soda water or Appolinaris?” - </p> - <p> - Of course there was nothing to be said by a guest on the subject; but his - host, like so many people professing his principles, had a good deal to - say respecting the virtue of teetotalism. But so far as I was able to - gather from the tone of his narrative, he did not obtain the cordial - concurrence of his guest in all his views; for his guest was in the habit - of taking half a bottle of claret at his dinner every day of his life and - at least one glass of sound port afterwards, and for twenty years he had - not gone to bed without wrapping himself round a tumbler of grog at the - eleventh hour, and he did not find that an exordium on teetotalism went - far to compensate him for the absent decanters. He was ready to greet the - discourse with hisses; but the syphons were accommodating: they did their - own hissing. - </p> - <p> - He went to bed in a very bad humour. - </p> - <p> - In the morning, however, after family prayers, his host said to him— - </p> - <p> - “I thought I detected an unsatisfied look on your face as you entered the - room, my friend. I think I know the reason of it. I dare say you have been - accustomed to something which you failed to find on the table in your - room. I am sure of it. I have inquired, and I am very sorry for the - omission. But make your mind easy; look on your table to-night, and I - think you will be satisfied.” - </p> - <p> - This was not so bad, the visitor thought; though not everything, still a - whisky and soda going to bed was better than nothing. - </p> - <p> - He had his customary claret at his lunch in the pavilion that day, so he - did not mind the sibilant but unsatisfying syphons at dinner. But he felt - tired that night, he said, and went oft early to bed. - </p> - <p> - Switching on the light, he hurried to the table for the promised treat. - </p> - <p> - He found that the table bore nothing except a large Bible, bound in - leather! - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - CHAPTER SIXTEEN—ART & THE ARTFUL IN THE PROVINCES - </h2> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0067" id="link2H_4_0067"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - I.—THE ARTISTIC OUTLOOK - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> GOOD MANY PEOPLE - ARE OF THE opinion that Art and the appreciation of Art are making - considerable progress in this country, but others are inclined to be - despondent on this subject; and among the most despondent is an estimable - clergyman of a parish some miles from Broadminster. He told me that he was - confirmed in his pessimism by observing the popularity of the imitation - half-timbered, red-brick cottages which country architects are running up - by the hundred in every direction. “The foundation of all true Art is - Truth,” he said, “and yet we are confronted daily with all the falsehood - of creosoted laths curving about ridiculous gables in imitation of the old - oak timbering. People hold up their hands in horror at the recollection of - the outside stucco of the early Victorians; but where is the difference - between the immorality of pretending that bricks are stone and of - pretending that creosoted laths are old timbers?” - </p> - <p> - Of course he had many other instances of the inefficiency of the Schools - of Art to fulfil the object of their establishment: there was the villa - fireplace, for example, suggesting that its delicate ornamentation was of - the fine paste of Robert Adam, when it was simply a horrible thing of cast - iron; and what about the prevailing fashion in ladies' dress?... - </p> - <p> - It was time, he thought, that steps were taken by men of genuine artistic - feeling to put people on the right track in regard to Art in daily life; - and he expressed to me in confidence the belief that a change could best - be brought about by an appeal to the sense of beauty inherent in - womankind. He begged the co-operation of one of the Minor Canons at the - Cathedral at Broadminster, who had achieved fame on account of his - artistic tendencies, and this gentleman consented to deliver an address at - a specially convened mothers' meeting in the parish-room of the reformer. - </p> - <p> - He kept his promise, as every one knew he would. He delivered an address - on “The Influence of Cimabue on the later works of Donatello” in the - presence of forty-two matrons, nearly all of whom could both read and - write; and it was understood that he proved up to the hilt every statement - that he made, and any of his audience who may have had some doubt as to - the part that Cimabue played in the development of the genius of Donatello - must have left the hall feeling that they could no longer hesitate in - accepting the relative position of the two artists as defined by the - lecturer. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0015" id="linkimage-0015"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0307.jpg" alt="0307 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0307.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - The next address is, I hear, to be made on the subject of “The Cinquecento - and its Sequel.” - </p> - <p> - That is the way to popularise Art in the country districts. When once the - wives and mothers of the farm labourers and the shepherds of the Downs are - brought to understand the importance of taking a right view of Cimabue and - the Cinquecento, then Art will become a living thing in this country—perhaps - even sooner: who can tell? - </p> - <p> - Equally practical was the response made by a wealthy gentleman who has - recently settled near Brindlington to the appeal of the parson to - contribute something to the loan collection with which he hoped to second - the efforts of the Minor Canon to stimulate an appreciation of good art in - his parish. In charge of a traction-engine of large horse-power there was - brought in a stone-mason's lorry to the door of the hall a full-size - powerful group by Monsieur Rodin, representing an episode in the life of - the most flagrantly humorous faun that ever grew, or half-grew, out of a - rock under the rough-hewing chisel of the great French artist. At first - one did not know that one was looking at a piece of sculpture—one - seemed to be looking into a stone quarry. But gradually the idea revealed - itself, and then one rather wished that it hadn't. The faun was not one of - Nature's gentlemen: you could see that at once; but after a while, with - good luck, you became aware of the fact that there was a nymph, or what - looked like a nymph, scattered about the quarry—yes, you could see - it quite distinctly from certain standpoints, and when you did you rather - hoped that you had been mistaken. It was a masterpiece that “Group by M. - Rodin.” It might have been taken for a freak of Nature herself—one - of those fantastic rocks which are supposed to suggest the head of the - first Napoleon or perhaps the Duke of Wellington wearing his cocked hat, - or it may be a huge lizard or, if properly humped, a kneeling camel. But - whatever it was, there stood the stone quarry brought to the very doors of - the hall wherein were “loaned” all the objects of Art contributed by the - less ambitious collectors of the neighbourhood, and within were six - stalwart men preparing to rig up on a tripod of fifteen-feet ash poles - each as thick as a stout tree, a tackle of chains and pulleys for shifting - the thing from the truck to the rollers by which it was to be coaxed into - the building. - </p> - <p> - They did not get it beyond the porch. The tiled pavement crumbled beneath - it like glass, and the caretaker of the building was doubtful about the - stability of the floor within. In the porch it remained until the parson's - wife, who had heard the noise of the traction-engine and felt sure that - something was going on, arrived upon the scene. - </p> - <p> - She took a glance at the landscape within the porch, and then ordered a - dust-sheet. - </p> - <p> - Of course the “Group by M. Rodin” was worth more than all the loans within - the building; but it was not everybody's group. It remained in the - friendly obscurity of the dust-sheet except when some visitor with - inquisitive tendencies begged for a glimpse of it. Then the parson, - averting his eyes, lifted up a corner of the dust-sheet, and remarked that - he was sure that the work would be a noble one when the great sculptor - should have cut away all the superfluous stone that lay in great masses - about the figures; but even in its unfinished condition anyone could see - that it could not weigh much under five or six tons. - </p> - <p> - I fancy that the gentleman who had contributed this loan was more of a - humorist than the parson had suspected. - </p> - <p> - What I think is the most disappointing feature in connection with the - development of Art in the provinces is the lack of interest shown in - certain districts in the local productions. The producers are not without - honour save in their own county. Of course, if it became a question of - saving money, there would be patrons enough of local art; but unhappily - the possible patrons are incapable of estimating correctly the money value - of such things, and they prefer to give five pounds for a picture by an - artist a distance than two for one by a local man, even though they might - be assured by some one capable of pronouncing an opinion that the cheaper - work was the better. - </p> - <p> - A few years ago I was made aware of a curious example of this - characteristic of some places. It occurred to an enterprising printseller - at Broadminster that a spring exhibition of works in black and white might - attract attention and enable him to do some business; and with the - co-operation of some of the London publishers he managed to get together - over two hundred capital examples of modern work, including some proof - etchings by Le Rat, David Law, Frank Short, Legros, and others. A local - lady, who was understood to be a liberal and well-informed patroness of - Art in various forms, visited the exhibition and was greatly attracted by - an etching of a spring landscape. Finding the price moderate, she bought - it and carried it home with her in her brougham. A week later, however, - she returned with it to the printseller. - </p> - <p> - “Is it true that the Cuthbert Tremaine who did this is only a local man?” - she inquired. - </p> - <p> - The printseller assured her that she was quite right: Cuthbert Tremaine's - people belonged to the town, and he had been educated at the Grammar - School and the School of Art. - </p> - <p> - “Do you think it was quite fair of you to hang that from such a person - among the etchings that co-exibit here?” she asked. - </p> - <p> - “He was quite able to hold his own among the best of them,” said the - printseller. “He's coming well to the front, I assure you.” - </p> - <p> - “I don't think that it is at all fair to your customers to try and foist - off upon them the work of a local man,” said the lady severely. “An - ordinary local man! I wonder very much at your doing such a thing. I have - brought the etching back to you, and you must change it for me. You really - should have told me that Cuthbert Tremaine was nothing but a local man.” - </p> - <p> - So much for the encouragement of local talent in our county. - </p> - <p> - Quite recently a more striking instance of this peculiarity was offered us - in a neighbouring town. A local artist held a sale exhibition of - water-colour drawings of scenes within a radius of six miles. There were - perhaps thirty of these, and every one of them was good, and every one of - them was pleasing. There was no suggestion of slovenliness about any, nor - was there a hint of an amateur. They were not the sort of drawings that - might be referred to as “highly creditable”—nobody wants to possess - “highly creditable” things: they must have positive merit, without taking - into consideration the conditions under which they are done, before any - one who knows something about art would wish to possess them; and the - watercolours in this exhibition could certainly claim to be in this light. - </p> - <p> - Well, cards of invitation were sent to some hundreds of possible buyers, - and were heartily responded to, for free exhibitions are very popular in - our neighbourhood, especially those that take the form of a demonstration - of a new breakfast cereal (with samples gratis). But in the matter of - sales the response was not quite so hearty as it might have been. The - artist did not clear five pounds during the fortnight that his exhibition - remained open. - </p> - <p> - A month or two later, however, a stranger exhibited a collection of his - drawings in the same town, and although they were infinitely inferior in - almost every way to those of the local man, they found quite a - satisfactory number of purchasers, notwithstanding the fact that there was - not a drawing that was not priced at more than double the sum asked by the - local artist for his sketches. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0068" id="link2H_4_0068"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - II.—ART AND THE SHERIFF - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">B</span>ut before the end - of the summer an opportunity was given to connoisseurs in the same town to - acquire, at the expenditure of a few pounds, a collection of pictures that - would do credit to any private gallery in the kingdom. Announcements - appeared placarded on every dead wall that “by order of the Sheriff” a - magnificent collection of paintings by Turner, Reynolds, Gainsborough, - Lawrence, George Morland, David Cox, and numerous other Masters, as well - as drawings by Birket Foster, Keeley Hallswelle, George Cattermole, and a - host of others. Being a Sheriff's sale this superb collection was to be - disposed of without reserve, and the pictures were to be on view in the - spacious commercial-room of an hotel. - </p> - <p> - People flocked to the place where these treasures were hung, and as a - knowledge of pictures is born with most people, they were not slow to - appreciate the fact that at last a chance had come to acquire at a merely - nominal cost pictures by artists of world-wide fame. Most persons had read - of the enormous prices brought by some prints after pictures by George - Morland, but here were the actual pictures themselves in frames of the - finest Dutch metal: no frames protected the high-priced prints in - Christie's! And not merely was Morland highly represented here, but quite - half a dozen exquisite <i>genre</i> pictures by Josef Israels were to be - seen in a row, and it was whispered among the cognoscenti that this - painter had just died and the <i>Studio</i> had contained an eulogistic - article, with illustrations, on his work! Another chance! Of course Sidney - Cooper's “Cows in Canterbury Meadows” spoke for itself. Every tyro knew - that no one could ever paint cattle like Sidney Cooper. And Birket Foster—no - one could ever approach Birket Foster in showing children swinging on a - gate. There was the gate, sure enough, and the children, and the pet lamb—all - the genuine Birket Foster properties. And “by order of the Sheriff.” - </p> - <p> - It was a treat to see the <i>cognoscenti</i> examining the pictures, - subjecting individual works to the severest tests of light and magnifying - glasses, and then whispering gravely together in corners on the subject of - their merits. Some of them had pencils, which they had pressed to their - lips while they scrutinised the masterpieces, preparatory to making notes - on their catalogues—all just like a London picture sale in King - Street, St. James's Street, London, W. - </p> - <p> - And then some fool came into the room and laughed. He was a man who - pretended to know a lot about pictures, and he was usually disposed to - question the authenticity of things in the possession of everybody but - himself. He glanced around the walls and went away, still laughing, after - being in the place no longer than three minutes. - </p> - <p> - That was a trick on his part, the <i>cognoscenti</i> said. He wished to - put them off buying and so make a haul for himself. - </p> - <p> - They were confirmed in this belief when the one dealer in the town told a - gentleman, who had come to him with a commission to purchase some of the - pictures, that the man had just been to caution him against buying any of - them on his own account. - </p> - <p> - “He said that they are being hawked round from town to town, and that they - are really all fakes—that there is not a genuine picture among the - lot, and that the Sheriff's sale is not a <i>bona fide</i> one, but one of - the oldest tricks of picture fakers.” - </p> - <p> - But the knowing person said to the dealer—“Does he mean to say that - in a town like this any man would dare to put 'by order of the Sheriff' at - the top of the bill if it was not <i>bona fide?</i>He would pretty soon - find himself in trouble. You attend the auction and bid for the numbers - that I have marked in the catalogue.” - </p> - <p> - The auction came off and was largely attended by the public, but, strange - to say, by not a single outside dealer, only by the local one who had - received many commissions. And a fortnight before an ordinary sale at a - private house in the town, at which half a dozen pictures by fourth-class - artists, and some only “attributed to” these artists, drew dealers from - places fifty and sixty miles away! - </p> - <p> - It seemed pretty clear that the Sheriff had not taken a great deal of - trouble to advertise this particular sale—he could not have given it - his personal attention, or perhaps he had never before had a chance of - handling the “fine arts” on so opulent a scale, or the dealers would - certainly not have missed the chance of their lives. - </p> - <p> - However this may be, the pictures were bought by the dozen, as much as six - pounds being given for each of the Israels, and a pair of Birket Foster's - fetching ten, frames included in all cases. There was a keen struggle for - the Turner, and it was run up to nine pounds—not by any means too - much for a Turner as things go nowadays. Altogether, I suppose, about - fifty pictures were sold. At the evening sale the auctioneer announced - that a sufficient number had been disposed of to satisfy the Sheriffs - claim, but that a gentleman in the trade had bought the remainder <i>en - bloc</i>, and instructed him to put them all up for sale to the highest - bidder; and he would have great pleasure in carrying out his instructions. - On went the bidding down to the last lot, and so ended a memorable picture - sale—probably the last of the kind to be perpetrated in England, for - within a fortnight the gentlemen under whose direction the enterprise had - been carried on from place to place for several years were arrested, - tried, and convicted of perjury in making an affidavit with intent to - deceive the Sheriff of some county and cause him to issue his writ for the - sale of their bogus pictures. Fifteen months' imprisonment was certainly - not too long a sentence for these practitioners; though really one can - have but little sympathy for people who are such fools as to expect to buy - pictures, with a name value of thousands of pounds, for a few shillings. - </p> - <p> - But for several weeks after the sale the fortunate purchasers of the bogus - masterpieces lost no opportunity of exhibiting their treasures. Teas and - At Homes were given to enable their less alert friends to. appreciate - their varied charms, for it was understood in the town that the - educational value of great works of art should not be neglected; and at - the Mayor's Reception a short time afterwards two of the pictures were - exhibited, for the educational benefit of the company, in their original - Dutch-metal frames—the sort that one may buy for half a crown in a - cash chemist's. In these days the man who had laughed at the private view - was referred to in accents of scorn. But he continued to laugh, even when - in the most kindly spirit he was advised by one of the successful bidders - to remember that it was distinctly slanderous to suggest that a sale - conducted under the auspices of the Sheriff of the county was a bogus - affair. Then it was that the critic laughed loudest; and, so far as I can - gather, he is laughing still. - </p> - <p> - One interesting point was brought out at the trial of the men. It was in - respect of the actual manufacturer's price of the fraudulent pictures. The - artist who had executed them was put into the box and stated that he - received from five to fifteen shillings for each. The average trade price - of a George Morland worked out at a fraction over seven shillings, so that - to refer to these works as valueless would be wrong: those purchasers who - were fortunate enough to secure good specimens of George Morland at the - sale have the satisfaction of dwelling upon their varied beauties and - reflecting that the actual value of each work is in the bogus market - something between seven shillings and seven and twopence! (The “Sheriffs - Sale” price of a Morland was six pounds.) - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0069" id="link2H_4_0069"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - III.—THE COUNTRY PICTURE SALE - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> was once present - at a picture sale in a mansion some miles from a country town in which I - lived. There were, I think, three full-length Gainsboroughs, five - Reynoldses, a few Hoppners, two by Peters, and three or four by Northcote. - I was standing in front of a man by the first-named painter, and was lost - in admiration of the firm way in which the figure was placed on the floor - in the picture, when a local dealer approached me, saying— - </p> - <p> - “Might I have a word with you, sir?” - </p> - <p> - Of course I told him to talk away. I knew the man very well. He was one of - those useful dealers of the variety known as “general,” from whom one may - occasionally buy a Spode plate worth ten shillings for three, or an odd - ormolu mount for sixpence. - </p> - <p> - “We want to know if you believe these to be genuine pictures, sir,” said - he. - </p> - <p> - “Genuine pictures!” I repeated, being rather puzzled to know just what he - meant; but then I remembered that he was accustomed to attend sales where - pictures labelled “Reynolds,” “Gainsborough,” “Murillo,” “Moroni,” and so - forth were sold for whatever they might fetch—usually from fifteen - shillings to a pound, the word “genuine” never being so much as breathed - by anyone. When I recollected this I laughed and said—“Make your - mind easy. If these are not genuine pictures you will never see any come - under the hammer.” - </p> - <p> - “And what do you think they will fetch?” he inquired. - </p> - <p> - “I could not give you the slightest idea,” I replied; “but if you can get - me that one in front of us for five hundred pounds I'll give you - twenty-five per cent, commission.” - </p> - <p> - He was staggered. - </p> - <p> - “Five hundred!” he cried. “You must be joking, sir.” - </p> - <p> - “I admit it,” said I. “I should have said a thousand.” - </p> - <p> - “But really, sir, how far would we be safe to go for them all? There are - four of us here, and we are ready to make a dash for them if we had your - opinion about them.” - </p> - <p> - “Look here, my good man,” said I. “You may reckon on my giving you five - hundred pounds for any picture in this room that is knocked down to you. - I'll put that in writing for you if you wish.” - </p> - <p> - “It's not necessary, sir,” he repeated. “We'll buy the lot of them for you - for less money.” - </p> - <p> - “Do, and I shall be a rich man afterwards,” said I. - </p> - <p> - He went away chuckling. - </p> - <p> - The next day the auctioneer, who was an Irishman, after disposing of - several lots of ordinary things, reached the pictures. - </p> - <p> - “I needn't say anything about them,” he remarked. “They speak for - themselves: I think you'll all agree with me that there's not one of them - that isn't a speaking likeness. What shall we say for this one—No. - 137 in the catalogue, “Lady Betty————,” by Sir - Joshua Reynolds? Look at her, ladies and gentlemen, and tell me if you - think there are many artists in this county who could do anything better - than this—all hand painted, and guaranteed. What shall we say?” - </p> - <p> - “A pound,” suggested my dealer quite boldly. The auctioneer turned a cold - eye upon him for a moment, and then I saw that there was a twinkle on its - glossy surface. - </p> - <p> - “Very well, sir,” he said. “A pound is bid for the picture—twenty-five - shillings, thirty shillings, thirty-five, two pounds—thank you, sir; - we're getting on—two-ten; I'm obliged to you, ma'am—three - pounds ten—three pounds ten—three pounds ten bid for the - portrait of Lady Betty. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, wouldn't it be a shame - if such a picture was to be knocked down for seventy shillings and it - worth nearly as many pounds. Four pounds—thank you, sir. The bidding - is against you, ma'am. Well, if there's no advance——” - </p> - <p> - It was my dealer who had made the last bid, and I must confess that for - some seconds I actually fancied that I was to be placed in possession of a - Reynolds for four pounds! - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0016" id="linkimage-0016"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - <img src="images/0317.jpg" alt="0317 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <h5> - <a href="images/0317.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a> - </h5> - <p> - “Four pounds—going at four pounds,” came the voice of the - auctioneer. “If there's no advance—going at four pounds—going—for - the last time—five hundred—six hundred—seven hundred—a - thousand—fifteen hundred—two thousand—guineas—five - hundred—guineas—three thousand—guineas—going for - three thousand guineas, ladies and gentle-men, it's giving the picture - away that I am; but still the times are bad. Going at three thousand - guineas—going—going—Mr. Agnew.” - </p> - <p> - The hammer fell, and everyone was laughing except the Irish auctioneer and - my dealer. - </p> - <p> - “Perhaps our dashing friend will give me an advance of thirty shillings on - the next lot—Ralph, first Earl of————,” said - the former, glancing toward the latter with an insinuating smile. - </p> - <p> - The latter forced his way toward the nearest door, leaving Lot 132 to be - started by a London dealer at a thousand pounds. - </p> - <p> - My disappointed friend had never been at a great sale in his life, and he - had certainly not suspected that the gentlemen wearing the silk hats were - like himself, dealers—only on perhaps a somewhat more heroic scale. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0070" id="link2H_4_0070"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - IV.—HUMOURS OF THE ROSTRUM - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he humours of the - auction-room deserve to be dealt with more fully than is in my power to - treat them. Though an auctioneer's fun is sometimes a little forced, its - aim being to keep his visitors in a good temper with him—for he - knows that every time that he knocks something down to one person he hurts - the feelings of the runner-up—still, now and again, something occurs - to call for a witty comment, and occasionally a ludicrous incident may - brighten up the monotonous reiteration of slowly increasing sums of money. - I have heard that long ago most lords of the rostrum were what used to be - called “characters,” and got on the friendliest terms with the people on - the floor. But now I fear that there is no time for such amenities, though - I heard one of the profession say, announcing a new “lot”—“Hallo, - what have we here? 'Lot 67—Adams Bed.' Ladies and gentlemen, there's - a genuine antiquity for you—Adam's Bed! I shouldn't wonder if the - quilt was worked by Eve herself, though I believe she was better at - aprons.” - </p> - <p> - The auctioneer as a rule, however, hurries from lot to lot without wasting - time referring to the charm of any one in particular. I cannot understand - how they avoid doing so sometimes when a beautiful work of art is brought - to the front. - </p> - <p> - But in the old days I believe that now and again a trick was resorted to - with a view to arouse the interest of possible purchasers in the business - of the day. I know of such a little comedy being played with a good deal - of spirited action in an auction-room in a large townin the Midlands. An - Irish dealer was in the habit of sending round from time to time as much - stuff as a large furniture van would hold, to be offered for sale by - auction. Of course he placed a reserve on every article, and if this - figure was not reached in one town, he packed up the thing, to give it a - chance in the next; so that within a few weeks he managed to get rid of a - large number of things at quite remunerative prices. It so happened, - however, that he wanted money badly when he reached the town where he - began his operations, and he made a confidant of the auctioneer, who - promised to do his best in regard to the goods. The articles were - consequently displayed in the rooms, and a considerable number of people - assembled before the auctioneer mounted the rostrum. The bidding was, - however, very spiritless, and the first dozen lots were knocked down to - imaginary buyers at imaginary figures; but just when the thirteenth lot - was exhibited there appeared at the farther end of the room a rather - excited figure. - </p> - <p> - “Stop the sale,” he cried. “I'm not going to stand passively by while you - give my goods away. I don't mind a reasonable sacrifice, but I'm not going - to submit to such a massacre as has been going on here up to the present. - Stop the sale!” - </p> - <p> - “Look you here, Mr. O'Shaughnessy,” said the auctioneer. “Massacre or no - massacre, I received instructions from you to sell your stuff without - reserve, and sell it I will, whatever you may say.” - </p> - <p> - “You'll do nothing of the sort, I tell you,” cried the Irishman. “Come - down from that reading-desk and don't continue to make a fool of me. I'm - not going to see my things thrown away. You know what they are worth as - well as I do, and yet you knock them down for a quarter their value!” - </p> - <p> - “Now, my good man, if you don't get out of this room I'll have to take - stronger measures with you,” said the auctioneer. “I know that the stuff - is all that you say it is; but that's nothing to me: the highest bidder - will get the best of it, whether he bids to half the value or a quarter - the value for that matter. You are making a fool of yourself, Mr. - O'Shaughnessy, but you won't make a fool of me. I'm here to sell, and sell - I shall. Now sit down or leave the premises.” - </p> - <p> - “I'll not sit down. I tell you I'll not——” - </p> - <p> - “Porter,” cried the auctioneer, “turn that gentleman out, and if he won't - go quietly call a policeman. You hear?” - </p> - <p> - A couple of stalwart porters approached the vendor, saying soothing words; - but he refused to move, and they had to force him to the door. They did - so, however, as tenderly as possible; though he kept on shouting, as he - went reluctantly backward step by step, that the auctioneer was in a - conspiracy to ruin him, allowing his goods to be taken away for nothing. - At last he was in the street and the door was closed. “Ladies and - gentlemen,” said the auctioneer, “I must apologise for this scene. Such a - thing never happened in my mart before, and I hope it will never happen - again. But I know my position, and I've no intention of breaking faith - with the public, whatever that man may do or say. I hope you'll excuse - him; he is really the best judge of antiques I ever met, but when he gets - a drop of drink there's no holding him in. Now, gentlemen, he'll not - disturb us again, and with your leave I'll proceed with the sale. I'll do - my duty by you, and I'll do my duty by him, whether he has insulted me or - not. He maybe an excitable Irishman, but that's no reason why we shouldn't - do our best for him. Fair play, ladies and gentlemen, fair play to - everybody. We must not allow our prejudices to blind us. You know as well - as I do that the stuff is the finest that has ever come to this town, - though the vendor would be safer in the hands of the police than prowling - about as he has been. Now where were we?—ah, Lot 13—'Chippendale - mirror, carved wood, gilt.' There's a work of art for you. Where did he - get hold of such a thing, anyway? What shall we say for it?” - </p> - <p> - The thing started at a figure actually above the reserve price that Mr. - O'Shaughnessy had placed upon it, and the bidding went on with a rush. The - next lot—two ribbon-carved mahogany arm-chairs—seemed to be - badly wanted by some one. They were knocked down at a figure twenty-five - percent, beyond the reserve. So it was with everything else in the - collection. Never had there been a more successful sale in the same rooms. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0017" id="linkimage-0017"> </a> - </p> - <div class="fig" style="width:50%;"> - alt="327 " width="100%" /><br /> - </div> - <p> - So, at least, the auctioneer confessed to the vendor as they dined - together that evening, and the auctioneer was in private life a truthful - man, though not always so rigid in the rostrum. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0071" id="link2H_4_0071"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - V. THE ARTFUL AND GOLDSTEIN - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">U</span>pon another - occasion, in the same town, there was a dealer's sale at an auction mart, - and it went off pretty well, though naturally a good many lots remained - undisposed of at the close, for on every article there was a reserve price - representing the profit to accrue to the vendor, with the auctioneer's - usual ten per cent. One of the unsold pictures had attracted the attention - of a gentleman who had bid as far as twelve pounds for it, and when the - sale was over he remained in the mart waiting to see if it should be - claimed by a dealer, so that he might have a chance of getting it at a - slight advance. - </p> - <p> - But the auctioneer very frankly confided in him that it had not been sold: - the vendor, unfortunately, knew a good deal about pictures and had put a - pretty stiff reserve on it. At this moment a local dealer showed signs of - being also attracted by the picture. He stood in front of it, and seemed - to be assessing its value to the nearest penny. After a few moments he - jerked his head to bring the auctioneer to his side, and with a word of - apology to the possible purchaser the auctioneer went to the man. - </p> - <p> - They had a whispered conversation together, but every whisper was clearly - audible to the layman. - </p> - <p> - “Look here,” said the dealer, “you know that I bid up to eighteen pounds - for that picture. Well, I'm willing to go to the length of twenty for it, - if you're selling it privately.” - </p> - <p> - “I'm sorry I can't oblige you, Mr. Goldstein,” said the auctioneer. “You - know as well as I do who the vendor is, and you know that he is as good a - judge of a picture as any man living. You know that the picture is worth - money.” - </p> - <p> - “Now what's the good of talking to me like that?” said Mr. Goldstein. “I - don't deny that the picture is a good one—one of the best you ever - handled—but a man must live. I believe I have a customer for that - thing, but I look to make a bit off it for myself, and I must have it - cheap.” - </p> - <p> - “And isn't twenty-five pounds cheap for such a work?” asked the - auctioneer. - </p> - <p> - “I don't deny it,” replied the dealer, “and that's just what I expect to - get for it; but where do I come in in the transaction if I pay you that - for it? Do you fancy I stick in auction-rooms all day by the doctor's - orders? I'll give you twenty-three pounds for the picture, and if you - can't let me have it for that you may burn it.” - </p> - <p> - The auctioneer laughed and walked away without condescending to reply, and - with a grimace of ill-humour Mr. Goldstein left the auction-room. - </p> - <p> - “Who is that person?” asked the would-be purchaser. - </p> - <p> - “His name is Goldstein,” replied the auctioneer. “He's a picture dealer, - and about as knowing as they are made. He has been nibbling at this ever - since it was left with me. Of course he'll come back for it. He's no fool. - He knows a good thing when he sees it.” - </p> - <p> - The auctioneer strolled down the room to his office, leaving the gentleman - to digest the information which he had given him. - </p> - <p> - Now the gentleman was quite an astute person, and it did not take him long - to perceive that a picture that is worth twenty-three pounds to a dealer - named Goldstein is certainly worth twenty-five to a layman, so the - auctioneer was not surprised when he entered his office, saying— - </p> - <p> - “Did you say that twenty-five pounds was the reserve for that picture?” - </p> - <p> - “That's the vendor's reserve, sir.” - </p> - <p> - “All right. I'll take it at that,” said the gentleman. - </p> - <p> - “Very good, sir,” said the auctioneer, and he smiled knowingly as he - added, “I may tell you that Goldstein offered me twenty-three for it just - now. He'll be back with me offering twenty-five within the hour. I can - imagine his face when he hears that it's gone.” - </p> - <p> - His shrewdness did not deceive him. Mr. Goldstein was back at the mart - within half an hour, with inquiries about the picture, and it was with an - air of triumph that the auctioneer told him that it had been sold. It is - also quite likely that the look which he said he would like to see on Mr. - Goldstein's face when he heard that the picture was sold was exactly the - one which was worn by Mr. Goldstein, though it might not be just the one - which the purchaser of the picture would associate with an expression of - chagrin on the face of a person named Goldstein. - </p> - <p> - The truth was that Mr. Goldstein was grinning quite pleasantly; for Mr. - Goldstein was the vendor of the work of art, which he had bought for four - pounds and had disposed of for twenty-five, less auction fees! - </p> - <p> - This auctioneer was an unusually clever man. He was heard to confide in a - friend his impression that the town he lived in was not sufficiently large - to give his genius a chance of being displayed to the full; and that was - possibly why a short time afterwards he went to London and started - business in one of the most central thoroughfares. - </p> - <p> - Within six months he was prosecuted for selling bogus Bechsteins, - convicted, and sentenced to a term of imprisonment for an offence which at - one time was a serious menace to the piano trade. - </p> - <p> - <br /><br /> - </p> - <hr /> - <p> - <a name="link2H_4_0072" id="link2H_4_0072"> </a> - </p> - <div style="height: 4em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - <h2> - VI.—TRICKS AND TRICKS - </h2> - <p class="pfirst"> - <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> have heard it - debated with great seriousness whether a fine art dealer in a commercial - town, where the finer arts are neglected, is not entitled to resort to a - method of disposing of his goods which some people might be disposed to - term trickery. Personally, I think any form of trickery having money for - its object is indefensible. But there are tricks and tricks, and what will - be chuckled over by some businessmen as “a good stroke of business” may, - if submitted to a jury, be pronounced a fraud, and it appears to me that - people are becoming more exacting every day in their fine art dealings. - They seem to expect that a picture dealer will tell them all he knows - about any picture that he offers them, and, should they consent to buy it, - that he will let them have it at the price he paid for it. Should they - find out, after they have completed the purchase, that he made any - statement to them that was not strictly accurate, they bring an action - against him. How such people would be laughed at if they were to bring an - action against the vendor of a patent medicine for having stated on the - bottle that it would cure gout, neuralgia, and neuritis, when they had - tried it and found that it would do nothing of the sort! There was a pill - made during the eighteenth century which was guaranteed to prevent - earthquakes. Some time ago I heard it seriously urged, on behalf of an - American patent medicine, that when the half of San Francisco had been - laid in ruins by an earthquake, the building where the medicine was - manufactured remained undisturbed! - </p> - <p> - But until recent years a pretty free hand was allowed to dealers in works - of art. I remember being in a shop—called a gallery—in a - provincial town in which a good deal of “restoration” in the picture way - was effected. The proprietor had a drawerful of labels each bearing the - name of a good old Master done in black on a gold ground, and when a work - was “restored” to his satisfaction, he turned over the labels until he - found one to suit its style. Then he nailed it very neatly on to the - frame, and the picture was ready for sale as a Moroni, a Velasquez, a - Tintoretto, or a Titian, as the case might be. The man was an excellent - judge of pictures and prints, and I do not believe that he ever got a - picture painted on an old canvas to sell as a genuine work. He simply - bought all the good old pictures that he thought worth buying and “touched - them up.” People bought them on chance, the wise ones asking no questions - “for conscience' sake”—the conscience of the vendor; and I am pretty - sure that many genuine pictures passed through his hands—some that - were worth from a hundred to five hundred pounds apiece for a tenth of the - smaller sum. - </p> - <p> - He saw the humour of his labels better than anyone else, I think. He never - gave an audible laugh when I used to inquire if he could provide me with a - really choice Rembrandt for thirty shillings; he pretended to take me - seriously, and, shaking his head, he would say— - </p> - <p> - “Rembrandts with any pedigree are getting scarcer and scarcer every year, - sir. You wouldn't feel justified in going as far as two pounds if you saw - one that you took a fancy to, I suppose? No? Well, I'll see what I can do - for you at your price, but I may tell you that it's rather below than - above the figure for a genuine hand-painted Rembrandt.” - </p> - <p> - One day two gentlemen called when I was in the gallery—a major in - the Gunners and a brother officer. - </p> - <p> - “Morning,” said the former. “I hope you got the frame in order.” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, sir,” replied the dealer, bustling off to where a picture was lying - with its face down on a bench. He picked it up and bore it to an easel, on - which he placed it in a moderately good light. “That's it, sir. I happened - to lay my hands on a more suitable frame, so I didn't trouble with the old - one; it's impossible to put a touch of gold leaf on an old frame without - making it look patchy.” - </p> - <p> - “I think that's a far better frame than the old one,” said the major. “I - brought my friend in to look at the picture. Who did you say it was by?” - </p> - <p> - “Rubens, sir—an early Rubens, I think it is.” - </p> - <p> - “Ah yes, that was the name. Looks well, doesn't it?” said the officer to - his friend. - </p> - <p> - “Very well indeed. I never saw anything that took my fancy better,” said - the other. “Look at that silk—rippin', I call it—absolutely - rippin'.” - </p> - <p> - “I thought you'd like it,” said the major. “There's nothing looks so well - in a room as a good old picture. But, of course, it's easy overdoing that - sort of thing.” - </p> - <p> - “Nothing easier—like those American Johnnies,” acquiesced his - friend. “Yes, a rippin' picture, I call that—good colour, you know, - but all well toned down. Do you know what it is—I've a great mind to - have one too.” - </p> - <p> - “Good!” cried the major. “You really couldn't do better, you know—six - guineas, frame included.” - </p> - <p> - “I believe you're right. Yes, I'll take one too,” said the other, turning - to the dealer, who was standing silently by. - </p> - <p> - “Very good, sir,” said the dealer. “I'll look one out for you by to-morrow - afternoon, if that would suit you.” - </p> - <p> - “Suit me well. Six guineas in the frame, I suppose?” - </p> - <p> - “Yes, sir, six guineas, unless—— Would you like a pair of - them, sir? I might be able to take a little off for a pair.” - </p> - <p> - The grave way in which he suggested a pair of Rubenses, as if it were - customary to sell Rubenses in braces like pheasants, was too much for my - nerves. I looked at my watch and made for the door, and I hope that I was - well round the corner before I burst out. - </p> - <p> - I heard afterwards that the officer had no use for a brace of Rubenses; - but he bought a nice little Dutch village scene, by a painter named - Teniers, for three pounds. It was not signed by the artist; but I have no - doubt, if he had made a point of it, the dealer would have obliged him: - the work of restoration frequently includes the restoring of an artist's - signature. - </p> - <p> - So it was impressed on me that there is a humorous side even to picture - dealing in the provinces. - </p> - <p> - That incident, I repeat, took place in the good old days; but if one gives - some attention to the law courts even nowadays one will find plenty to - laugh at in connection with transactions in the fine arts. It was - certainly very amusing to see some year or two ago, the examples of fine - old Dresden which were displayed as “exhibits”—in the legal, not the - exhibition, sense—in the law courts, all of which were pronounced - spurious by the experts, though sold for many thousand pounds to a wealthy - old tradesman, and to follow the story of every transaction. But I found - it more amusing still to identify the various pieces with the - illustrations contained in aback number of a leading magazine of art which - had devoted several pages to a description of the magnificent Dresden - collection of the old tradesman. What had been referred to as the gems of - the cabinets were the very things that were produced in the Court as - examples of the spurious! - </p> - <div style="height: 6em;"> - <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /> - </div> - - - - - - - -<pre> - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Lighter Side of English Life, by -Frank Frankfort Moore - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ENGLISH LIFE *** - -***** This file should be named 51927-h.htm or 51927-h.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/9/2/51927/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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-<pre>
-
-The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Lighter Side of English Life, by
-Frank Frankfort Moore
-
-This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
-other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
-whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of
-the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
-www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have
-to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook.
-
-
-
-Title: The Lighter Side of English Life
-
-Author: Frank Frankfort Moore
-
-Illustrator: George Belcher
-
-Release Date: May 1, 2016 [EBook #51927]
-Last Updated: March 13, 2018
-
-Language: English
-
-Character set encoding: UTF-8
-
-*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ENGLISH LIFE ***
-
-
-
-
-Produced by David Widger from page images generously
-provided by the Internet Archive
-
-
-
-
-
-
-</pre>
-
- <div style="height: 8em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h1>
- THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ENGLISH LIFE
- </h1>
- <h2>
- By Frank Frankfort Moore
- </h2>
- <h4>
- Author Of “The Jessamy Bride”
- </h4>
- <h3>
- Illustrated in Colour by George Belcher
- </h3>
- <h4>
- T. N. Foulis, London & Edinburgh
- </h4>
- <h3>
- 1913
- </h3>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0001.jpg" alt="0001 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0001.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0008.jpg" alt="0008 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0008.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0009.jpg" alt="0009 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0009.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <p>
- <b>CONTENTS</b>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0001"> <b>CHAPTER</b> ONE—THE VILLAGE </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> I—THE ABORIGINES </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0003"> II.—THE CENTENARIANS </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0004"> III. THE POINT OF VIEW </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0002"> <b>CHAPTER</b> TWO.—OUTSIDE THE VILLAGE
- </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0006"> I.—THE GENERAL </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0007"> II.—THE DEAR OLD LADY </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0003"> <b>CHAPTER</b> THREE—THE VILLAGE VILLAS
- </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0009"> I.—THE PILLARS OF SOCIETY </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0010"> II.—THE SHATTERING OF THE PILLARS </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> III.—FLOWERS AND FRIENDSHIPS </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0004"> <b>CHAPTER</b> FOUR—THE COMEDIES OF THE
- COUNTRY HOUSE </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0013"> I.—LESSEES FROM THE MIDLANDS </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> II.—THE LEGENDS OF THE COUNTRY HOUSE </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0015"> III.—FATE OF THE FAMILY PORTRAITS </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0005"> <b>CHAPTER</b> FIVE—THE COUNTY, OLD AND
- CRUSTED </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0017"> I.—THE STRANGERS </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0018"> II.—THE INSECT AND THE MAMMOTH </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0006"> <b>CHAPTER</b> SIX—THE OLD COUNTY TOWN </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0020"> I.—IN THE HIGH STREET </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0021"> II.—PRECIOUS PANELLING </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0022"> III.—THE AMENITIES OF THE HIGH STREET </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0023"> IV.—THE TWO ICONOCLASTS </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0024"> V.—THE SOCIAL “SETS” </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0025"> VI.—THE CASE OF MR. STANWELL </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0007"> <b>CHAPTER</b> SEVEN—THE PEOPLE OF
- MALLINGHAM </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0027"> I.—THE MAYOR </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0028"> II.—THE FIRST FAMILIES </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0029"> III.—MISS LATIMER'S MARRIAGE LINES </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0030"> IV.—THE ENTERPRISE OF MALLINGHAM </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0008"> <b>CHAPTER</b> EIGHT—THE PUSHING PROVINCIAL
- TOWN </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0032"> I.—THE MODERN METHODS </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0033"> II.—LIBRARIANS WHILE YOU WAIT </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0034"> III.—ARCHÆOLOGICAL ENTERPRISE </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0009"> <b>CHAPTER</b> NINE—RED-TILED SOCIETY </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0036"> I.—THE ILLUSTRIOUS STRANGER </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0037"> II.—THE PRINCE'S PARADE </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0010"> <b>CHAPTER</b> TEN—LESSER ENGLISH COUNTRY
- TOWNS </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0039"> I.—STARKIE AND THE STATES </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0040"> II.—OUR FATHERS' FOOTSTEPS </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0011"> <b>CHAPTER</b> ELEVEN—THE CATHEDRAL TOWN
- </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0042"> I.—IN THE SHADOW OF THE MINSTER </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0043"> II.—THE NEW PALACE </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0044"> III.—ANTE-MORTEM GENEROSITY </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0045"> IV.—THE BLACK SHEEP </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0012"> <b>CHAPTER</b> TWELVE—A CLOSE CORPORATION
- </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0047"> I.—TROLLOPE'S MRS. PROUDIE </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0048"> II.—THE INNOVATORS </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0049"> III.—THE PEACEMAKERS </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0050"> IV.—THE VOX HUMANA </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0051"> V.—THE PILGRIM'S PROGRESS </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0052"> VI.—THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE MINSTER </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0013"> <b>CHAPTER</b> THIRTEEN—AMONG THE AMATEURS
- </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0054"> I.—MR. BARTON'S HIGH NOTE </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0055"> II.—THE MUSICAL TABLEAUX </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0056"> III.—THE DRAMA </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0014"> <b>CHAPTER</b> FOURTEEN—THE LIGHTER SIDE OF
- CLERICAL LIFE </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0058"> I.—THE FRANK CANON </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0059"> II.—THE “CHARPSON” </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0060"> III.—THE BIBLE CLASS </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0061"> IV.—THE ENCYCLOPÆDIC PARSON </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0062"> V.—THE ALMONERS </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0015"> <b>CHAPTER</b> FIFTEEN—THE CROQUET LAWNS
- </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0064"> I.—A CONGENIAL PURSUIT </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0065"> II.—THE PLAYERS </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2HCH0016"> <b>CHAPTER</b> SIXTEEN—ART & THE ARTFUL
- IN THE PROVINCES </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0067"> I.—THE ARTISTIC OUTLOOK </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0068"> II.—ART AND THE SHERIFF </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0069"> III.—THE COUNTRY PICTURE SALE </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0070"> IV.—HUMOURS OF THE ROSTRUM </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0071"> V. THE ARTFUL AND GOLDSTEIN </a>
- </p>
- <p class="toc">
- <a href="#link2H_4_0072"> VI.—TRICKS AND TRICKS </a>
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER ONE—THE VILLAGE
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>NE MORNING A FEW
- MONTHS AGO A foreigner under the influence of an aeroplane descended
- somewhat hurriedly in a broad and—as he ascertained—a soft
- meadow in Nethershire; and while he was picking up his matches preparatory
- to lighting his cigarette—he has always a cigarette in his waistcoat
- pocket, for a man with a Kodak may be lurking behind the nearest tree—an
- agricultural labourer on his way to his work looked over the hedge at him.
- The foreign person noticed him, and after trying him in vain with German,
- French, and Hungarian, fell back upon English, and in the few words of
- that language which he knew, inquired the name of the place. “Why, Bleybar
- Lane, to be sure,” replied the man, perceiving the trend of the question
- with the quick intelligence of the agricultural labourer; and when the
- stranger shook his head and lapsed into Russian, begging him to be more
- precise (for the aviator had not altogether recovered from the daze of his
- sudden arrival), the man repeated the words in a louder tone, “Bleybar
- Lane—everybody knows Bleybar Lane; and that's Thurswell that you
- can't see, beyond the windmill,” and then walked on. Happily our parson,
- who had watched the descent of the stranger and was hastening to try if he
- could be of any help to him, came up at that moment and explained that he
- was in England, where English was, up to that time at least, spoken in
- preference to German or, indeed, any other language, and that breakfast
- would be ready at the Rectory in an hour.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- I—THE ABORIGINES
- </h2>
- <p>
- It was the Rector who told me the story, adding in regard to the labourer——
- “Isn't that just like Thurswell—fancying that a Czech who had just
- crossed the Channel, and believed himself to be in Belgium, should know
- all about Thurswell and its Bleybar Lane?”
- </p>
- <p>
- I thought that it was very like Thurswell indeed, and afterwards I made it
- still more like by talking to the agricultural labourer himself about the
- incident.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Ay, he spoke gibberish with a foreign accent, and I told him plain
- enough, when he had swept his arms and cried 'Where?' or words to that
- effect, that he was by Bleybar Lane, and that the place he couldn't see
- for the windmill was Thurswell; but it were no use: foreigners be in the
- main woeful ignorant for Christian persons, and I could see that he had no
- knowledge even of Thurswell when he heard the name.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0001" id="linkimage-0001"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0023.jpg" alt="0023 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0023.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- That is our village down to the ground. You could not persuade one of the
- aborigines that there is any place in England or outside it of greater
- importance than Thurswell, because there is no place of greater importance
- to the Thurswellian. An aged inhabitant was taken by his son to see the
- coronation procession, and when he was asked what it was like, replied,
- after a suitable pause, that it ran Thurs-well's Day very hard—Thurswell's
- Day is the name given to the First Sunday after Trinity, when the Free
- Foresters and Ancient Shepherds march to church in sashes, with a band
- made up of a fife, three flutes, a drum, a concertina, and a melodion.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Ay, neighbours, it ran Thurswell's Day hard,” he affirmed, and did not
- flinch from his statement in spite of the incredulous murmur that arose
- from the bench nearest the door, which was immediately suppressed by the
- landlord, who was apprehensive of a riot.
- </p>
- <p>
- Thurswell is a village of antiquity. Its name occurs in <i>Domesday Book</i>,
- where you may look in vain for any mention of Brindlington, that mushroom
- town of 60.000 inhabitants, which is nine miles to the north, or even of
- Broadminster, the Cathedral town, which is seven miles to the west.
- “Broadminster is where the Dean lives,” I was told by the landlord of the
- Wheatsheaf at Thurswell when I was making inquiries about the district,
- “and Brindlington is where the brewery is; but my father got his ale at
- Pipstone, and I get mine there too, though it's a blow to Brindlington,
- for in harvest the best part of a cask goes within a week.”
- </p>
- <p>
- There are several other villages within a mile or so of Thurswell, and the
- inhabitants of some are infatuated enough to believe that they are on a
- social, as well as a commercial, level with the people of Thurswell. This
- singular hallucination caused a good deal of friction on all sides in
- years gone by, and <i>the rapprochement</i> that was eventually brought
- about between Thurswell and its neighbours by the thoughtfulness of a
- Rector, who preached a sermon on the vision of St. Peter and enjoined upon
- his hearers to remember that even though people have not been born in
- Thurswell they are still God's creatures, was a purely sentimental one,
- and did not last.
- </p>
- <p>
- Some years ago an article appeared in the <i>Topographical Gazette</i>
- from the pen of an eminent archaeologist affirming that Thurswell must
- originally have been Thor's Well, so that the place dated back to the time
- of the worship of the Scandinavian god Thor; but while this evidence of
- its antiquity was received by some of us with enthusiasm—having been
- a resident in the village for a whole year I was naturally an ardent
- Thurswellian—it was, when reproduced in the <i>East Nethershire
- Weekly</i>, generally regarded as the invention of some one anxious to
- give the enemies of the village some ground for their animosity toward it.
- For the suggestion that it had a heathen origin was not one, it was felt,
- to which its people could tamely submit. There was some talk of a public
- meeting to protest against the conclusions come to by the archaeologist,
- and the Rector was considered in some quarters to be but a half-hearted
- champion of the Faith when he refused to lend the schoolhouse—sixty
- people could be crowded into it—for this purpose, his argument that
- the more heathen Thurswell had been in the past, the more marked should be
- its display of the Christian virtue of charity in the present, being
- criticised as savouring of Jesuitry. For months the matter was the leading
- topic of the neighbourhood, and the Hearts of Oak Habitation of the
- Ancient Shepherds drew up a resolution protesting in this connection
- against “archaeology and every form of idolatry.” It was the misprint in
- the <i>Gazette</i> that changed “Hearts of Oak” into “Heads of Oak” in
- publishing the proceedings that quenched the violence of the discussion,
- and now it is considered bad taste to refer to it at all.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0003" id="link2H_4_0003"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- II.—THE CENTENARIANS
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">M</span>ore recently still
- another busybody endeavoured to deprive the village of the reputation
- which it had long enjoyed as the centre of English longevity. Now it would
- be impossible for any one to study the dates on the tombstones in the
- churchyard without noticing how great was the number of centenarians who
- died within the first fifty years of the nineteenth century in the parish
- of Thurswell. There were apparently eighteen men and fourteen women
- interred after passing their hundredth year; indeed, one woman was
- recorded to have reached her hundred and twenty-seventh year, which is a
- good age for a woman. The people were naturally very proud of the constant
- references made in print to their longevity; but one day there came down
- to the village a member of the Statistical Society, and after busying
- himself among the musty parish registers for a month, he announced his
- discovery that in every case but one the date of the birth of the alleged
- centenarians was the date of the birth of their parents. The investigator
- had noticed that all the alleged centenarians had “departed this life”
- during the rectorship of the Rev. Thomas Ticehurst, and centenarianism had
- always been his fad. He had preached sermon after sermon on Methuselah and
- other distinguished multi-centenarians, and he spent his time travelling
- about the country in search of evidence in confirmation of the theory that
- Methuselah, though somewhat beyond the average in respect of age, might
- yet have been exceeded on his own ground by many people living in the
- country districts of England. Nothing was easier, the investigator tried
- to show, than for a clergyman in charge of the registers, who had such a
- hobby, to assume, when any very old man or woman died in his parish, that
- he or she actually was twenty years or so older; and as the Christian
- names were nearly always hereditary, in nine cases out of ten he accepted
- the registry of the birth of the father as that of the lately deceased
- man, and the date of the birth of the mother in regard to the aged woman,
- the result being a series of the most interesting inscriptions.
- </p>
- <p>
- I must confess that I myself felt that I had a personal grievance against
- this busybody statistician. There is nothing so comforting to the
- middle-aged as a stroll through a cemetery of centenarians; and I had the
- most uncharitable feelings against the person who could make such an
- attempt to deprive me of the pleasant hope of living another sixty or
- seventy years.
- </p>
- <p>
- But while we were still talking about the danger of permitting strangers
- to have access to the registers, I was told one morning that a man who had
- once been the gardener at the place which I had just acquired would like
- to see me. Now, I had had already some traffic with the superannuated
- gardener of my predecessor, and so I was now surprised to find myself face
- to face with quite a different person.
- </p>
- <p>
- “You were not the gardener here,” I said. “I saw him; his name is Craggs,
- and he still lives in the hollow.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Oh ay, Jonas Craggs—young Joe, we called him; I knew his father,”
- replied my visitor. “He was only here a matter of six-and-thirty years. I
- was superann'ated to make way for him. Young-Joe, we called him, and I was
- curious to see how things had come on in the garden of late.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “You were superannuated thirty-six years ago,” said I. “What age are you
- now?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I'm ninety-eight, sir,” he replied with a smirk.
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0008.jpg" alt="0008 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0008.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- I showed him round the garden. He said he could see that the things he had
- planted had grown summut; and I walked through the churchyard the next
- Sunday with the greatest complacency.
- </p>
- <p>
- When I told the Rector that my experience of this grand old gardener
- tended to make me take the side of Thurswell and the neighbourhood against
- scientific investigation in regard to longevity, he assured me that if I
- paid a visit to a certain elderly lady who lived with a middle-aged
- granddaughter in a cottage on the road to Cransdown I should find ample
- confirmation of the faith for which I had a leaning. The lady's name was,
- he said, Martha Trendall, and she really was, he thought, a genuine
- centenarian, for she had a vivid recollection of events which had happened
- quite ninety years ago; and, unlike most reputed centenarians, she
- remembered many details of the historical incidents that had taken place
- in her young days; she was a most intelligent person altogether, and had
- evidently been at one time a great reader, though latterly her eyesight
- had shown signs of failing.
- </p>
- <p>
- I made up my mind to pay a visit to this Mrs. Trendall, and thought that
- perhaps I might get material for a letter to the <i>Times</i> that should
- not leave the scientific investigator a leg to stand on. A month, however,
- elapsed before I carried out my intention, though the Rector thought this
- was not a case for procrastination: when a lady is anything over a hundred
- her hold upon life shows a tendency to relax, he said, for even the most
- notorious centenarians cannot be expected to live for ever. But when I
- managed to make my call I must confess that I was amply repaid for the
- time I spent in the company of Mrs. Trendall.
- </p>
- <p>
- I found her sitting in her chair in what is called the chimney corner when
- it exists in its original condition in a cottage, but is termed the “ingle
- nook” in those red brick imitation cottages which are being flung about
- the country by those architects who concern themselves in the development
- of estates. I saw at once that such a figure would be out of place
- anywhere except in the chimney corner of a cottage kitchen, with immovable
- windows, but a “practicable” iron crane for the swinging of pots over the
- hearth fire. The atmosphere—thanks to the immobile casements—was
- also all that it should be: it was congenially centenarian, I perceived in
- a moment. It had a pleasant pungency of old bacon, but though I looked
- about for a genuine flitch maturing in the smoke, I failed to see one—still,
- the nail on which it should be hanging was there all right.
- </p>
- <p>
- The old woman was quite alert. There was nothing of the wheezy gammer
- about her. Only one ear was slightly deaf, she told me when I had been
- introduced by her granddaughter—a woman certainly over fifty. She
- smiled referring to her one infirmity, and when she smiled the parchment
- of her face became like the surface of the most ancient palimpsest: it was
- seamed by a thousand of the finest lines, and made me feel that I was
- looking at an original etching by Rembrandt or Albert Dürer—a “trial
- proof,” not evenly bitten in places; and the cap she wore added to the
- illusion.
- </p>
- <p>
- She was, I could see, what might be called a professional centenarian, and
- so might retain some of those prejudices which existed long ago against
- “talking shop” and therefore I refrained from referring in any way to her
- age: I felt sure that when the right moment came she would give me an
- opening, and I found that I had not misjudged her. I had scarcely told her
- how greatly we all liked our house before she gratified me by a
- reminiscence of the antepenultimate owner: he had died, I happen to know,
- thirty-eight years ago, and Mrs. Trendall remembered the morning he first
- rode his black horse to hounds—that was the year before he married,
- and his son was now a major-general. “A long time ago,” I remarked, and
- she smiled the patronising smile of the professional at the feeble effort
- of an incompetent amateur. “Long ago? Oh no; only a bit over sixty years—maybe
- seventy.” The difference between sixty and seventy years ago was in her
- eyes not worth taking any account of. Her treatment of this reminiscence
- gave me warning of what she could do when she had her second wind and got
- into her stride.
- </p>
- <p>
- “You must have a great memory, Mrs. Trendall,” I remarked. “Was there much
- stir in this neighbourhood when Queen Victoria got married? I heard
- something about a big bonfire on Earl's Beacon.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “'Twere no more'n a lucifer match in compare with the flare up after
- Waterloo,” was her complacent reply; and I felt as if I had just had an
- audacious pawn taken by my opponent's Queen. “Ay, Thurswell lost three
- fine youngsters at Waterloo. There was Amos Scovell, him with the red
- hair.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “The one they used to call Carrots?” I suggested.
- </p>
- <p>
- She brightened up.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The very same—Carrots they called him sure enough,” she said,
- nodding. “But you couldn't have knowed'un; you're no more'n a stripling as
- yet. Doan't you list to all that you hear from them that calls theirselves
- ancient old venerables; there's not a one of'un that's truthfully old—I'm
- the only one; take my word for it, sir.”
- </p>
- <p>
- I gave her to understand (I hope) by my confidential smile and shake of
- the head that I was aware of the many fraudulent claims to longevity
- advanced by some of our friends about Thurswell.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Age? Age is an empty thing without a memory,” I remarked. “But what a
- memory you have, Mrs. Trendall! I shouldn't wonder if you recollected the
- news of Nelson's victory at Trafalgar arriving in England—oh no:
- that was too long ago even for you.”
- </p>
- <p>
- She bridled up in a moment.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Too long ago for me?—too long, quotha! Don't I mind it as if it
- happened no earlier'n last week? It were before I married my first. It
- were my father that came a-bustling hasty like and wi' a face rosy wi'
- beer and hurry, and says he, 'Nelson has broke the Frenchies on us—broke
- them noble, and we may look for'un coming home any day now,' says he; and
- there wasn't a sober man in the five parishes that night—no, not a
- one. Ay, those was times!”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Surely—surely,” I acquiesced. “But now that you can look back on
- them quite calmly in the afternoon of your life, would you really say that
- they were more lively times than when the Duke of Marlborough was doing
- his fighting for us? You've heard your mother speak of Marlborough, I'm
- sure.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “My mother—speak! Why, I see'un for myself wi' these very eyes when
- he come home from the wars—a nice, well-set-up gentleman, if so be
- that I know what'tis to be a gentleman. It was when he come to pay his
- respex to Squire Longden at Old Deane—the squire that married
- thrice, as they said, the first for love, the second for lucre, and the
- third for—for—now was it for liquor or learning?—Well,
- 'twere one of the two. Ay, sir, those was the times—before there was
- any talk about Prince Albert and the Christian Palace in London.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I should rather think so. And if you are old enough to remember seeing
- the great Duke of Marlborough, I am sure that you may remember seeing
- Oliver Cromwell when he came through Thurswell with his army?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Oliver Cromwell? You've spoke the truth, sir. I see'un once—on'y
- once, to be exact. I mind'un well.'Twere in the mid o' hay harvest, and
- father come up to us in a mortial great haste, and says he, 'Martha lass,
- throw down that rake and I'll show you the greatest sight o' your life—Cromwell
- hisself on a mighty skewbald.' And, sure enough, there he was a-galloping
- at the head of a fine army o' men, with guns a-rumbling and the bugles
- blowing—grand as a circus—ay, Batty's Circus with all the fun
- about Jump Jim Crow and Billy Barlow and the rest. Oh, I saw'un sure.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “And Queen Elizabeth—I wonder if you ever chanced to see her?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Never, sir—never! 'Twere always the sorrow o' my life that the day
- she passed through Ticebourne, where I was living with my grand-aunt
- Martha—her that I was named after—I had been sent with a
- basket o' three dozen eggs—one dozen of'em turkeys—to the big
- house, and her ladyship not being at home I had to wait the best part of a
- whole hour, and by the time I got back the Queen had driven away, so I
- missed the chance o' my life; for being since my early years noteworthy
- for speaking the truth to a hairs-breadth, I couldn't bring myself to say
- that I had seen a royal person when I hadn't. But what I can say is that I
- on'y missed seeing of her by twenty minutes, more or less.”
- </p>
- <p>
- I began to feel that I might be overwhelmed if I were borne much farther
- in the current of the pellucid stream of Mrs. Trendall's veracity; so I
- rose and thanked the good woman for her courtesy, and expressed the hope
- that the efforts she had made on my behalf to be rigidly accurate had not
- fatigued her.
- </p>
- <p>
- She assured me that all she had said was nothing to what she could say if
- I had a mind to listen to her.
- </p>
- <p>
- When I acknowledged to the Rector that the memory of Martha had surpassed
- my most sanguine hopes, he was greatly delighted. I thought it well,
- however, to neglect the opportunity he gave me of going into the details
- of her interesting recollections. Before we dropped the subject, he said
- what a pity it was that an historian of the nineteenth century could not
- avail himself of the services of Martha to keep him straight on some
- points that might be pronounced of a contentious nature.
- </p>
- <p>
- Not many days after my interesting interview with Martha, the professional
- centenarian, the decease of an unobtrusive amateur was notified to me. It
- came about through the temporary disorganisation of our bread service,
- which I learned was due to the sudden death of the baker's mother.
- Entering his shop a week or two later, I ventured to say a word of
- conventional condolence to him, and this was responded to by him with a
- mournful volubility that made me feel as if I had just attended a funeral
- oration, or an inefficient reading of “In Memoriam.” It was a terrible
- blow to him, he said—a cruel blow; and he went on to suggest that it
- was such an apparently gratuitous stroke that it made even the most
- orthodox man doubt the existence of mercy in the Hand that had inflicted
- it.
- </p>
- <p>
- “No doubt, no doubt,” I acquiesced. “But, after all, we must all die some
- day, Martin, and your good mother could scarcely be said to have been cut
- off long before she had reached the allotted span. You know you can hardly
- call yourself a young man still, Martin.”
- </p>
- <p>
- He shook his head as if to hint that he had heard this sort of thing
- before. I think it very probable that he had: I know that I had, more than
- once. But I thought that there was no occasion for him to suggest so much,
- so I boldly asked him what age his mother had reached.
- </p>
- <p>
- He shook his head, not laterally this time, but longitudinally, and
- distributing the flies more evenly over a plate of jam tarts with a
- mournful whisk of his feather duster, he replied—
- </p>
- <p>
- “She was a hundred and four last February, sir.”
- </p>
- <p>
- I turned right about and left him alone with his irreparable grief.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0004" id="link2H_4_0004"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- III. THE POINT OF VIEW
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>n the subject of
- age, I may say that it has always seemed to me that it is the aim of most
- people to appear as young as possible—and perhaps even more so—for
- as long as possible—and perhaps even longer; but then it seems
- gradually to dawn upon them that there may be as much distinction attached
- to age as to youth, and those who have been trying to pass themselves off
- as much younger than they really are turn their attention in the other
- direction and endeavour to make themselves out to be much older than the
- number of their years. It is, of course, chiefly in the cottages that the
- real veterans are to be found—old men and women who take a proper
- pride in having reached a great if somewhat indefinite age, and in holding
- in contempt the efforts of a neighbour to rival them in this way. One of
- the peculiarities of these good folk is to become hilarious over the news
- of the death of some contemporary. I have seen ancient men chuckle at the
- notion of their having survived some neighbour who, they averred with
- great emphasis, was much their junior. The idea seems to strike them as
- being highly humorous. And so perhaps it may be, humour being so highly
- dependent upon the standpoint from which it is viewed.
- </p>
- <p>
- In the cottages the conversation frequently turns upon the probability of
- an aged inmate being gathered unto his fathers before next harvest or, if
- in autumn, before the first snow, and the utmost frankness characterises
- the remarks made on this subject in the presence of the person who might
- be supposed to be the most interested in the discussion, though, as a
- matter of fact, he is as little interested in it as the Tichborne claimant
- acknowledged he was in his trial after it had passed its fortieth day. I
- was fortunate enough to reach the shelter of a farm cottage before a great
- storm a few years ago, and on a truckle bed in the warm side of the living
- room of the family there lay an old man, who nodded to me and quavered out
- a “good marn.” I asked the woman, who was peeling potatoes sitting on a
- stool, if he was her father or her husband's father.
- </p>
- <p>
- “He's Grandpaw Beck; but don't you take any heed o' him, sir, he's dying,”
- she replied, with the utmost cheerfulness. “Doctor's bin here yestereve,
- and says he'll be laid out afore a week. But we've everything handylike
- and ready for'un.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0002" id="linkimage-0002"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0033.jpg" alt="0033 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0033.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- She pointed to a chair on which some white garments were neatly laid. “I
- run the iron o'er'em afore settin' to the bit o' dinner,” she explained.
- </p>
- <p>
- I glanced at the old man. He nodded his approval of her good housekeeping.
- He clearly thought that procrastination should be discountenanced.
- </p>
- <p>
- The flashes of lightning and the peals of thunder seemed to me to be by no
- means extravagant accompaniments to this grim scene (as it appeared in my
- eyes). I have certainly known far less impressive scenes on the stage
- thought worthy of the illumination of lightning and the punctuation of
- thunder claps.
- </p>
- <p>
- This familiar treatment of the subject of the coming of the grim figure
- with the scythe prevails in every direction. A friend of mine had a like
- experience in a cottage in another part of the country. The man of the
- house—he was a farm labourer—was about to emigrate to Canada,
- and was anxious to get as good a price as possible for some pieces of old
- china in his possession, and my friend had called to see them by
- invitation. He was brought into a bedroom where the plates were to be seen
- on a dresser; and by way of making conversation on entering the room, he
- asked the man when he thought of leaving England.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Oh, very shortly now,” he replied. “Just as soon as feyther there dies”
- (jerking his head in the direction of a bed), “and he's far gone—he's
- dying fast—Doctor Jaffray gives us great hope that a week'll
- finish'un.”
- </p>
- <p>
- He then went on to talk about the china, explaining that three of the
- pieces had been brought by his grandmother from the Manor House, where she
- had been still-room maid for twenty-six years.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Twenty-eight years—twenty-eight years, Amos,” came a correcting
- falsetto from the bed.
- </p>
- <p>
- “You know nowt o' the matter,” cried the son. “This is no business o'
- yours. We doan't want none o' your jaw. Go on wi' your dying.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER TWO.—OUTSIDE THE VILLAGE
- </h2>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0006" id="link2H_4_0006"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- I.—THE GENERAL
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>N A VERY DIFFERENT
- PLANE OF INterest I regard my experience of two delightful old people whom
- I found living, the one a mile or two on the Brindlington side of
- Thurswell, the other on the Broadminster side, “where the Dean lives.” The
- former is an old general who once commanded a regiment of Sikhs and spent
- fifty years in India. He is now eighty-three years of age, and has two
- sons with the rank of colonel, a grandson who is a captain of Sappers, and
- two who are lieutenants in the navy. The old man has nothing of the
- bristling retired general about him—not even the liver. He is of a
- gentle, genial nature, not very anxious to hear the latest news, and not
- at all eager to make his visitors acquainted with his experiences in India
- or his views as to the exact degree of decadence reached by “the sarvice.”
- He speaks in a low and an almost apologetic tone, and is interested in old
- Oriental china and tortoiseshell tea-caddies. One could never believe that
- this was the man whose sobriquet of Shire-i-Iran (Lion of Persia) was once
- a household word along the turbulent northwest frontier, or that he had
- been the most brilliant exponent of all the dash which one associates with
- the cavalry leader. His reputation on that long frontier was that of an
- Oriental equivalent of the Wild Huntsman of the German ballad. People had
- visions of him galloping by night at the head of his splendid Sikhs to cut
- off the latest fanatical insurrectionary from his supports, and then sweep
- him and his marauders off the face of the earth. Certainly no cavalry
- leader ever handled his men with that daring which he displayed—a
- daring that would have deserved to be called recklessness had it once
- failed.... And there he sat at dinner, talking in his low voice about the
- fluted rim of one of his tea-caddies, and explaining how it was quite
- possible to repair the silver stringing that beautified the top. Once I
- fancied I overheard him telling the person who sat by him at dinner about
- the native regiments—I felt sure that I heard the word “Sepoy,” and
- I became alert. Alas! the word that I had caught was only “tea-poy”—he
- was telling how he had got a finely cut glass for a deficient caddie out
- of an old nineteenth-century mahogany tea-poy. That was the nearest
- approach he made to the days of his greatness.
- </p>
- <p>
- But I noticed with satisfaction that he partook of every dish that was
- offered to him—down to the marmalade pudding. At dessert he glanced
- down the table and said that he thought he would have an apple. “No,
- dear,” said his daughter, gently but firmly removing the dish beyond his
- reach. “You know that you are not allowed to touch apples.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Why, what harm will an apple do me—just one—only one apple?”
- he inquired, and there were tears in his voice—it had become a
- tremulous pipe, the tone of a child whose treat had been unjustly
- curtailed. “No, dear, not even one. It is for your own good: you should
- have an apple if it agreed with you; but it doesn't.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I want an apple—I can't see what harm an apple would do me,” he
- cried again. But his daughter was firm. It was very pathetic to witness
- the scene. The Lion of Persia becoming plaintive at being denied a
- rosy-cheeked apple. The man who, with a force of only six hundred sabres
- behind him, had ridden up to Mir Ali Singh with the three thousand rebels
- supporting him, and demanded his sword, and got it, not being able to get
- his apple when he had asked for it nicely, seemed to me to be a most
- pathetic figure. I pleaded for him as one pleads for a child in the
- nursery: he had been a good boy and had eaten all that had been set before
- him quite nicely—why might he not have an apple to make him happy?
- </p>
- <p>
- But the daughter was inexorable. She told me that I did not know her
- father, while she did. An apple would be poison to him; and so the old
- hero was left complaining, with an occasional falsetto note, upon the
- restrictions of his commissariat. I am pretty sure that there was no
- falsetto note in any of his complaints in regard to commissariat forty
- years ago.
- </p>
- <p>
- He was a noble old warrior, however, for when his daughter had, with the
- rest of the ladies, left us after dinner, he never put out a hand to the
- apple dish, though there was no man at the table who would have interfered
- with him had he done so; the Newtown Pippins remained blushing, but not on
- account of any disloyalty on his part to the duty he owed to the daughter
- who had his welfare at heart.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0007" id="link2H_4_0007"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- II.—THE DEAR OLD LADY
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he aged lady who
- lives in a lovely old moated house a few miles out of Thurswell is one of
- the youngest people I ever met. She is the mother of two distinguished
- sons and the grandmother of a peeress. She takes an interest in everything
- that is going on in various parts of the world, and even points out the
- mistakes made by the leader-writers in the London papers—some of the
- mistakes. But she does so quite cheerfully and without any animus. She
- still sketches <i>en plein air</i>, and in her drawings there is no
- suggestion of the drawing-master of the early Victorians. Any elderly
- person who could hold a pencil and whose moral character could bear a
- strict investigation was accounted competent to teach drawing in those
- days; for drawing in those days meant nothing beyond making a fair copy of
- a lithograph of a cottage in a wood with a ladder leaning against a gable
- and a child sitting on a fence—a possible successful statesman in
- the future—with a dog below him. She never was so taught, she told
- me: she had always held out against the restrictions of the schoolroom of
- her young days, and had never played either the “Maiden's Prayer” or the
- “Battle of Prague.” Thalberg's variations on “Home Sweet Home” she had
- been compelled to learn. No young lady in that era of young ladies could
- avoid acquiring at least the skeleton of Thalberg's masterpiece: and I was
- glad that this particular old lady, who had once been a young lady, had
- mastered it; for it enabled her to give me the most delightful parody upon
- it that could be imagined.
- </p>
- <p>
- Only once did I hear her speak with bitterness in referring to any one;
- but when she began upon this occasion, she spoke not only bitterly, but
- wrathfully—contemptuously as well. She was referring to the Emperor
- Napoleon III. in his relations with the unhappy Maximilian of Mexico. She
- had known the latter intimately. My own impression is that she had been in
- love with him—and tears were in her eyes when she talked of how he
- had been betrayed by the man whom she called a contemptible little cad.
- Sedan represented, in her way of thinking, the cordial agreement with her
- views by the Powers above. To hear her talk of those tragedies of more
- than forty years ago, as if they were the incidents of the day before
- yesterday, was inspiriting. I never inquired what was her age, but one
- afternoon when I called upon her I found that a birthday party was going
- on—a double party; for it was her birthday as well as her youngest
- grandchild's. Two fully iced cakes, with pink and white complexions, were
- being illuminated in the customary way, and each had been made a
- candelabrum of eight tapers. When I ventured to suggest that there must be
- an error in computation in some direction, it was the younger of the
- beneficiaries who explained to me that about seventy years or so ago
- Granny had become too old to allow of her birthday cake holding the full
- amount of the candles to which she was entitled, so it had been agreed
- that she should have only one candle for every ten years of her life. The
- little girl confided in me that she thought it was rather a shame to cheat
- poor Granny out of her rights, but of course there was no help for it: any
- one could see that no cake could be made large enough to accommodate,
- without undue crowding, eighty-one candles.
- </p>
- <p>
- I looked at the sweet old Granny, and thought, for some reason or other,
- of the night of the first January of the century when I had stood
- listening to the tolling of the eighty-one strokes of the church bell in
- Devonshire, when every belfry in the kingdom announced the age of the good
- Queen who had gone to her rest. I wondered...
- </p>
- <p>
- This dear lady of the eight-candle birthday cake—of which, by the
- bye, she partook heartily and apparently without the least misgiving—had
- been married at the age of seventeen, and this, she thought, was exactly
- the right age for a girl to marry, not, as might be supposed, because it
- admitted of her period of repentance being so much the longer, but simply
- because she considered grandchildren so interesting. She was not inclined
- to be tolerant over the prudent marriages of the present day, when no girl
- is unreasonable enough to expect a proposal before she is twenty-five, or
- from a man who is less than thirty-five. It almost brought me back to
- Shakespeare's England to hear her express such opinions. That stately old
- lady, Juliet's mother, as she appears in every modern production of the
- play, was made by the author to be something between twenty-six and
- twenty-seven, her daughter being some months under fourteen, but certainly
- forward for her age. We used to be informed by sage critics of this drama
- “of utter love defeated utterly” that Shakespeare made Juliet so young
- because it was the custom in Italy, where girls developed into womanhood
- at a much earlier age than in England, for a girl to marry at Juliet's
- time of life. It so happens, however, that early marriage was the custom
- in England and not in Italy in the sixteenth century. When a girl was
- twelve her parents looked about for a promising husband for her, and
- usually found one when she was thirteen.
- </p>
- <p>
- Only a few months ago I came upon an unpublished letter, written in the
- beautiful Gothic hand of Queen Elizabeth, in response to the inquiry of an
- ambassador respecting a wife for an amiable young prince. The Queen
- suggested two names of highly eligible young women, and mentioned that one
- of them was twelve and the other thirteen!
- </p>
- <p>
- The most flagrant example of unbridled centenarianism which I have yet
- come across in the course of my investigations in the neighbourhood of
- Thurswell was that of a lady who had won quite a literary aureole for her
- silver hair owing to the accident of her being actually the original
- “Cousin Amy” of Tennyson's “Locksley Hall.” For years she had worn this
- honourable distinction, and, so far as I could gather, her title to it had
- never been disputed. Even in the Cathedral Close of Broadminster the
- tradition had been accepted, and she had been pointed out to strangers,
- who doubtless looked at her with interest, saying, “Not really!” or “How
- perfectly sweet!”
- </p>
- <p>
- I ventured to ask the prebendary who had told me that the poet had been in
- love with her and consequently “greatly cut up” when she married some one
- else—as might be inferred from some passages in the poem—what
- was the present age of the lady, and he assured me that she was
- seventy-four. She did not look it, but she really was seventy-four. I had
- not the heart to point out that twenty-three years had elapsed since
- Tennyson published his sequel—“Sixty Years After”—to his
- “Locksley Hall,” so that this “Cousin Amy” must be at least a centenarian
- if she had not died, as described in the sequel, between eighty and ninety
- years ago. She was, however, a nice old lady and her name was really Amy,
- and she had known Alfred Tennyson when she had been very young and he a
- middle-aged gentleman whom it was a great privilege to know.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER THREE—THE VILLAGE VILLAS
- </h2>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0009" id="link2H_4_0009"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- I.—THE PILLARS OF SOCIETY
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HURSWELL IS
- UNDOUBTEDLY AN IDeal English village situated in the midst of an
- agricultural county, and far away from the unhealthy and demoralising
- influences of trade. It prides itself on being “select”—so does
- every other English village, even when it lies deep embowered among the
- striking scenery of a coal-mining district. But Thurswell is really
- “select.” A strange family may come to one of the best houses—one of
- the four or five that have entrance gates with lodges and carriage drives—and
- yet remain absolutely ignored by the older residents. Of course the
- shopkeepers pay the newcomers some little attention, and the ladies who
- collect for the various charities and the various churches are quite
- polite in making early calls; but the question of calling formally and
- leaving cards simply because the people are newcomers, requires to be
- thoroughly threshed out before it is followed by any active movement on
- the part of the senior residents. It has been called unsocial on this
- account; but everybody in the world—at least, everybody in Thurswell—knows
- that to be called unsocial is only another way of being called select The
- Rector must pronounce an opinion on the strangers, and—more
- important still—the Rector's wife. The example of the
- Barnaby-Granges, who have lived for centuries at the Moated Manor House,
- must be observed for what it is worth. It is understood that people like
- the Barnaby-Granges may call upon strangers out of a sense of duty; but
- every one knows how far astray from the path trod by the “select” a sense
- of duty may lead one, so that the fact of the Manor House people having
- called upon the newcomer is not invariably regarded as conferring upon the
- latter the privilege of a passport to the most representative Society at
- Thurswell. The strangers must wait until Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer have
- decided whether they are to be called on or ignored. Mrs. Lingard is the
- widow of a captain of Sappers, and Miss Mercer is the middle-aged daughter
- of a previous rector, and for years these ladies have assumed the right of
- veto in respect of the question of calling upon newcomers. Within the past
- year, however, this question, it should be mentioned, has developed
- certain complications, owing to the strained relations existing between
- the two ladies. Previously they formed a sort of vigilance committee to
- determine what should be done, but since the breaking off of diplomatic
- relations between them the poor people who had previously looked to them
- jointly for guidance are now compelled to consult them severally as to the
- course they mean to pursue, and all this takes time, and the loss of time
- in the etiquette of first calls may be construed into actual rudeness by
- sensitive people.
- </p>
- <p>
- That is how we stand at present; and although many well-meaning persons—not
- invariably belonging to clerical circles—have endeavoured to bring
- about a <i>rapprochement</i> for the good of the whole community between
- Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer, hitherto every effort of the kind has
- failed.
- </p>
- <p>
- When the particulars of the incident that brought about the friction
- between the two ladies are known, it will easily be understood that a
- restoration of the <i>status quo ante</i> is not to be accomplished in a
- moment.
- </p>
- <p>
- It was all due to the exceptionally dry summer. People who retain only the
- pleasantest recollections of that season of sunlight and balmy breezes
- will probably find reason to modify their views respecting it when they
- hear how it led to the shattering of an old friendship and, incidentally,
- to the complication of the most important social question that can come
- before such a community as is represented by Thurs-well.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0010" id="link2H_4_0010"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- II.—THE SHATTERING OF THE PILLARS
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he facts of the
- matter are simple enough in their way. Each of the ladies occupies a small
- house of her own, fully, and not semi-detached, with a small patch of
- green in front and a small garden at the back; but the combined needs of
- front and back are not considered sufficiently great to take up all the
- time of a gardener working six days in the week during the summer. There
- is enough work, however, to take up three days of the six, with
- window-cleaning thrown in, in slack seasons. As the conditions of labour
- are identical in the case of the gardens of both ladies—only Miss
- Mercer throws in the washing of her pug to balance Mrs. Lingard's
- window-cleaning—John Bingham, the jobbing gardener of Thurswell,
- suggested several years ago that he should divide his time between the two
- gardens, and this plan, to all appearances, worked very satisfactorily in
- regard to every one concerned.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0003" id="linkimage-0003"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0051.jpg" alt="0051 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0051.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- Only John Bingham was aware of the trouble involved in keeping both
- gardens on precisely the same level of “getting on”—only John
- Bingham was aware of the difficulty of preventing either of the ladies
- from seeing that anything in the garden of the other was “getting on”
- better than the same thing in her own patch. It might have been fancied
- that as they were in complete agreement respecting the necessity for a
- strict censorship upon the visiting lists of the neighbourhood as regards
- strangers, there could not possibly exist any rivalry between them on so
- insignificant a matter as the growth of a petunia or the campanile of a
- campanula; but John Bingham knew better. It had been his task year by year
- to minimise to the one lady his success with the garden of the other—to
- say a word of disparagement on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays of all
- that he had been praising on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays. But
- sometimes Nature is stronger even than her greatest enemy, a jobbing
- gardener, and so it was that when Mrs. Lingard chanced to pay a visit to
- Miss Mercer on a Thursday, she found the garden of the latter, just
- recovering from the hand of John Bingham's attention on the Monday,
- Tuesday, and Wednesday, obviously superior in some respects to her own,
- and John found his diplomatic resources quite unable to meet with the
- demand for an explanation when she got home. It was in vain that he tried
- to make her understand, what she certainly should have known already from
- her experience of the ministrations of John—namely, that not he, but
- the superior soil and aspect of Miss Mercer's herbaceous border, should be
- regarded accountable for the marvellous growths which had attracted her
- attention in the garden of her rival. His Thursday, Friday, and Saturday
- patron declared herself far from satisfied with such an explanation. Soil!
- Had she ever shown herself to be close-fisted in the matter of soil? she
- inquired. And as for aspect—had he not chosen the aspect of the
- herbaceous border at which he was now working? No, she knew very well, she
- affirmed, that what made a garden beautiful was loving care. She professed
- herself unable to understand why John should lavish all his affection upon
- Miss Mercer's border rather than upon her own; all that she could do was
- to judge by results, and, viewed from this basis, it could not but be
- apparent to every unprejudiced observer that he had been giving Miss
- Mercer's borders such loving touches as he had never bestowed upon her
- own: the flowers spoke for themselves.
- </p>
- <p>
- John had heard of the Language of Flowers, but he had never mastered the
- elements of their speech. As a matter of fact, he took no interest in
- flowers or their habits. He had “dratted” them times without number for
- their failure to do all that the illustrated catalogues declared they
- would do, and now he found reason to drat those of Miss Mercer for having
- done much more than he had meant them to do. It was with a view to restore
- the balance of mediocrity between the gardens, which had been through no
- fault of his, disturbed by a sudden outbreak of “Blushing Brides” in Miss
- Mercer's parterre, that he gave some extra waterings to Mrs. Lingard's
- verbinas, trusting to convince her that he was a thoroughly disinterested
- operator in both the gardens—which was certainly a fact. But in that
- arid summer the response of the verbinas was but too rapid, and Miss
- Mercer, calling upon her friend (and rival), was shown the bed with the
- same pride that she had displayed when exhibiting her petunias.
- </p>
- <p>
- She said nothing—the day was Saturday—but she perceived, with
- that unerring intuition which in some persons almost takes the place of
- genius, that petunias had been supplanted (literally) by verbinas in the
- affections of John Bingham.
- </p>
- <p>
- She spent the Sunday rehearsing an interview which she had arranged in her
- mind to have with John Bingham when he should arrive the next day.
- </p>
- <p>
- But Monday came, and John Bingham failed to arrive. She waited at the back
- entrance to the garden until ten o'clock, but still he did not appear.
- Then she sent a messenger to his cottage to inquire the cause of his
- absence. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were her days for his services,
- and never once had he failed her. She could not guess what was the matter.
- She had always regarded him as a sober man and one for whom Monday morning
- had no terrors. The mystery of his first failure was rendered all the more
- unfathomable when the tweeny maid returned saying that Mrs. Bingham had
- told her positive that John had gone out to work as usual that same
- morning, and that Mrs. Bingham had taken it for granted that he was in
- Miss Mercer's garden.
- </p>
- <p>
- For a quarter of an hour Miss Mercer pondered over the whole incident, and
- then she suddenly put on another hat, discarding the garden specimen with
- which she had begun the day, and went down the road and round by the
- Moated Manor House to where Mrs. Lingard's villa was situated, just beyond
- the knoll of elms. The hall door was wide open to the morning air, and
- through the glass door at the farther end of the hall she distinctly saw
- Mrs. Lingard standing on the edge of one of the beds of the garden with
- John Bingham kneeling at her feet.
- </p>
- <p>
- And this on a Monday morning!
- </p>
- <p>
- John Bingham had actually attended morning ser-vice in the church the day
- before—Miss Mercer had seen him there—and yet on Monday he had
- broken faith with her, and now, at ten-thirty, he was engaged in planting
- out the contents of the capacious basket which Mrs. Lingard was doling out
- to him.
- </p>
- <p>
- And Mrs. Lingard was wearing her garden hat just as if the day was
- Thursday, Friday, or Saturday, when she was entitled to his services.
- </p>
- <p>
- And Mrs. Lingard had also been at church the previous day and had repeated
- the responses in her ordinary tone of voice, and without faltering, though
- beyond a doubt her heart had been full of this scheme of suborning a
- faithful, if somewhat weak, servant from his allegiance to the mistress
- who had an undisputed claim to his services the next day!
- </p>
- <p>
- Without a moment's hesitation Miss Mercer passed into the hall, opened the
- glass door beyond, and stood beside the guilty pair before either of them
- was aware of her presence. She saw that the man was planting asters—the
- finest aster cuttings she had ever seen.
- </p>
- <p>
- “John Bingham, are you aware that this is Monday morning?” she said in an
- accusing voice, and so suddenly that a cry of surprise—it may have
- been with guilt—came from Mrs. Lingard, and John Bingham let drop
- his trowel and wiped his forehead.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Good gracious, Lucy! Where did you drop from without warning?” cried the
- lady in the garden hat.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I am addressing John Bingham, madam,” said Miss Mercer in icy tones. “And
- once again I ask John Bingham what he means by being here when his place
- should be in my garden.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I can easily explain, my good woman,” said Mrs. Lingard, lapsing, under
- the “madam” of the other, into the tone of voice she had found effective
- with the native servants in the West Indian island of St. Lucia when her
- husband had been stationed there.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I am not addressing you, madam,” said Miss Mercer hotly: her glacial
- period had passed and had given place to the volcanic—the suppressed
- volcanic. “I wish to be informed why this man—this traitor—this—this——”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Don't be a greater fool than you are by nature, my good creature,” said
- Mrs. Lingard. “But I might have known that you could be disagreeable over
- even such a trifle as my sending to John Bingham to assist me for an hour
- in planting out the asters which were only delivered this morning when
- they should have been here on Saturday. If I had not begged him to come to
- my help for a couple of hours the lot would have been spoiled. In justice
- to him I will say that he was very unwilling to come.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “And what does that mean, pray?” asked Miss Mercer sneeringly.
- </p>
- <p>
- “It means that he knew you better than I did,” responded Mrs. Lingard. “He
- has had more experience of your narrow-mindedness than I have had. Now, go
- on with your work, John. Don't mind her.”
- </p>
- <p>
- But John did not go on with his work. He touched his forehead with the
- drooping aster that he held rather limply, saying, in the direction of
- Miss Mercer—“I can easy make up the extra however, ma'am—mortal
- easy, in the evenin', and so I thought or I wouldn't be here now.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “There, let that satisfy you, make your mind easy; you'll not be defrauded
- of the shilling for his two hours,” said Mrs. Lingard.
- </p>
- <p>
- “You will be good enough to dictate to your inferiors, if such exist,
- madam; you need not dictate to me. You may keep your John Bingham now that
- you have him; I have made other arrangements for the future of my garden.”
- </p>
- <p>
- She turned with a mock courtesy. Mrs. Lingard also turned.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Lucy Mercer, go back to your—your—your hen-run,” she cried,
- pointing dramatically to the place of exit. “Go on with your work, John
- Bingham. Mrs. Hopewell will only be too glad to take on your Thursdays,
- Fridays, and Saturdays. <i>She</i> has a garden—<i>a garden</i>.”
- </p>
- <p>
- That is the true and circumstantial account of how Mrs. Lingard and Miss
- Mercer ceased to be on speaking terms, and that is how it is that many
- people are becoming more hopeful of the future of Thurswell as the centre
- of a social neighbourhood. Each lady still arrogates to herself the right
- of veto in respect of the claims of any strange family to be visited on
- taking up their residence within reasonable visiting distance of
- Thurswell; but the people who formerly had been ready to accept the dictum
- of the two in such social matters are now beginning not only to assert
- their own independence of action, but even to dictate to others on all
- points on which they themselves had been dictated to—in no mild way—by
- Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer. But a mistake that was recently made by one
- of these immature dictators has done much to chasten their longing to take
- up the responsibilities attached to such a position. She had spoken with
- that definiteness which marks the amateur on the subject of the visiting
- of a certain Mrs. Judson Hyphen Marks who had taken Higham Lodge for a
- year, and accordingly quite a number of people left cards upon her. But
- suddenly the name of Judson Hyphen Marks appeared rather prominently in
- the columns devoted to the Law Court proceedings in the daily papers, and
- some curious information respecting the <i>ménage</i> of the Judson Hyphen
- Marks was brought under the notice of the people of Thurswell and, indeed,
- of England generally; and those who had left cards upon them consulted
- together as to whether it was possible or not for them to ask for their
- cards to be returned to them.
- </p>
- <p>
- The general opinion that prevailed after several long discussions on this
- question was that no social machinery existed by which so desirable an
- object might be effected, and no move was made in that direction; but ever
- afterward the dictation of the feeble amateur who thought to take the
- social reins out of the hands of Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer when it was
- found that they were pulling them in opposite directions, threatening to
- upset the social apple-cart, was received for what it was worth, not for
- what it claimed to be worth.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- III.—FLOWERS AND FRIENDSHIPS
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he instance just
- recorded of horticulture playing a prominent part in the breaking up of
- friendships is by no means unique. When one comes to think of it, one
- cannot be surprised that as the earliest serious quarrel recorded in the
- history of the world was over a purely horticultural question—namely,
- whether or not the qualities of beneficent nutrition attributed to a
- certain fruit had been accurately analysed—there should be many
- differences of opinion among the best of friends on the same subject.
- </p>
- <p>
- It was my old gardener—not-the oldest of all, but the second oldest—who
- told me how it was that the annual prize given by the Moated Manor House
- people for the best floral display of the cottage order was very nearly
- withdrawn for ever, owing to the bad blood that was made by the award, no
- matter in what direction it was made. It seemed that the prize-winner
- invariably found himself compelled to accept the challenge to fight of all
- the disappointed aspirants to the prize, and before nightfall there was a
- general distribution of black eyes and front teeth; in some cases both got
- inextricably mixed up, and this was no pleasure to anybody, my informant
- assured me, and the wives of the men who were keen to compete for the
- prize discouraged them from it, with the warning that if they continued to
- spend their time over the cultivation of the blooms they might some day
- actually find themselves awarded the prize. That warning, founded as it
- was upon sound sense and reason, was beginning to produce its effects upon
- the better class of flower growers; but there were still a number of young
- fellows who went into training at the punch ball at the Church Institute
- club-room the day they sowed their flower seeds, and so were at the top of
- their form when the award was made in the early autumn, so that if one of
- them got the prize he thought if a pity that his training and practice at
- the punch ball should be wasted, and thus he was ready to prove to all
- disputants that the prize had gone to the best man; while it was only to
- be expected that those who had only had the cold consolation of honorary
- mention were only too ready to dispute his ability to maintain such an
- attitude for any length of time.
- </p>
- <p>
- The result of this joint cultivation of bulbs and biceps was not just what
- the givers of the prize intended to achieve, and twice, when there had
- been arrests and summonses to petty sessions, a formal warning was issued
- to all whom it might concern that if the connection between the two
- cultures were not severed, the prize, which was only meant for success in
- the one, would be withdrawn.
- </p>
- <p>
- Happily, however, it was not found necessary to enforce this ultimatum,
- and a <i>modus vivendi,</i> founded upon one which had been understood to
- work very satisfactorily in the case of the Chrysanthemum Society of
- Mallingham, was adopted, and up to the present this had made for peace.
- The annual Battle of Flowers at Thurswell has become a thing of the past,
- and “Midge” Purcell, the ex-lightweight champion of the county, who rents
- the Lion and Lamb Inn, and to whom the candidates for the prize applied
- for advice on the biceps side of the joint contest, affirms with regret
- that Englishmen are becoming degenerate.
- </p>
- <p>
- It was a peace-loving florist at Mallingham, the honorary secretary to the
- Chrysanthemum Society, who explained the system upon which his committee
- had agreed to make their awards, and urged its adoption by the Thurswell
- people. Its operation was not intricate. Its fundamental principle may
- best be defined on the analogy of the rotation of crops as the rotation of
- awards. Like the award of the Garter, merit had nothing to do with its
- scheme. The prizes were awarded strictly in turn to the professional
- competitors—the others did not matter. Mr. Johnson got the
- chrysanthemum cup one year, Mr. Thompson the medal for the best twelve cut
- lilies, Mr. Cardwell the Malmaison salver, and Mr. Prior the vase for the
- best display of greenhouse ferns. The next year it was arranged that the
- vase should go to Mr. Johnson, the salver to Mr. Thompson, and so forth.
- By the adoption of this admirable plan the judges were saved a large
- amount of trouble, and there never was any friction between the
- competitors, for it was understood that if it was Prior's year for the
- lily medal, but he had a liking for any other prize, he could nearly
- always negotiate an exchange with the man whose turn had come for the
- award that he fancied. This principle of give and take, live and let live,
- had made the Mallingham Society one of the most popular floricultural
- organisations in the country, and its adoption by the Thurswell Committee
- of the Manor House prize brought about, as has been said, an entire
- cessation of that ill-feeling which led to the use of language that was
- certainly not the language of flowers, and to many-discreditable scenes
- even when there were no arrests made. The cause of peace has triumphed,
- though some people say that floriculture languishes through the lack of
- heal thy rivalry; for when every man is certain of the prize when his turn
- comes for it, he does not trouble about the flowers. There may be
- something in this suggestion.
- </p>
- <p>
- Taking one consideration with another, it really does seem a pity that the
- rotation system is not more widely accepted by those societies which have
- been established for the encouragement of sundry excellent objects, such
- as the breeding of bull-dogs (for symbolic purposes), of pugs (of no use
- to any one when they are bred), of pigs (of which the prize-winner is
- invariably the most uneatable), and of pets (in various forms). In our
- neighbourhood such organisations are to be numbered by the dozen, and
- after every prize distribution the air is murmurous with the complaints of
- disappointed competitors. It was a shrewd farmer who suggested to me the
- principle on which the awards are made at our local dog show. “The reason
- why there's so much grumbling, sir, is because the judges look at the
- wrong end of the leash,” he said, and I understood what he meant.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0004" id="linkimage-0004"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0061.jpg" alt="0061 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0061.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- I know that the impression is very general that the pedigree of the
- exhibitor rather than that of the exhibit influences the local judges.
- </p>
- <p>
- But I must confess that I could not bring myself to sympathise with one of
- our new residents who, after living in London all his life, bought Harley
- Croft House, a 40 h.p. motor-car and six pairs of gaiters, and set up as a
- country gentleman. It must be acknowledged that at times he looked a
- colourable imitation of one. He hoped that his starting of the breeding of
- cattle and fowl would consolidate his position. But his researches in the
- literature of both subjects at the same time resulted in some confusion.
- Of course his pointing out some drab-tinted cows to the steward of the
- Manor and alluding to them definitely as Buff Orpingtons was a slip that
- any one might make; but to hope to win sympathy for a wrong done to him by
- the judges at the poultry show by affirming that his bantam cock was
- really twice the size of the one to which the prize had been awarded was,
- I think, a strategical mistake of a flagrant character.
- </p>
- <p>
- Much more in the spirit of the country gentleman was the remark made to me
- by a neighbour who hunts five days a week in winter and talks about
- hunting seven days a week in the summer, on a purely literary subject. He
- had been at the Military Tournament in London the year that <i>The
- Merchant of Venice</i> was being played at Her Majesty's Theatre, and he
- confided in me that he thought on the whole it was very fine indeed,
- though for his part he enjoyed <i>The Runaway Girl</i> at the Gaiety more
- fully. He could not quite understand the point of some of the jokes in <i>The
- Merchant of Venice</i>, he said. For instance, he should like to know what
- there was to laugh at in the chap's saying to the Jew that some one had
- shown him a turquoise which he had bought from the Jew's daughter for a
- monkey. Any one who knew anything about precious stones knew that to pay a
- monkey for a single turquoise, even though set in an 18-carat ring, was to
- pay a fair price. Of course you couldn't get much of a diamond ring for
- twenty-five pounds; but you could get a first-rate turquoise for half the
- money. But there were some people, he knew, who would laugh at any joke if
- they were only told it was in a play of Shakespeare's. I agreed with him,
- and laughed.
- </p>
- <p>
- That was not the sort of man who would make a fool of himself over Buff
- Orpingtons or cherish his bantams in proportion to their size and weight.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER FOUR—THE COMEDIES OF THE COUNTRY HOUSE
- </h2>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0013" id="link2H_4_0013"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- I.—LESSEES FROM THE MIDLANDS
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>T WAS THE
- REPRESENTATIVE OF THE second generation of one of the shirt-sleeves
- families of the midlands who took a lease of Nethershire Castle, the
- finest mansion in our neighbourhood. The Court of Chancery had decreed
- that it might be let for a term of years, the length of which was fixed by
- certain Commissioners in Lunacy, for Sir Ralph Richards had been in the
- care of a specialist in mental diseases for a long time, and it was
- understood that there were little hopes of his ever being able to enjoy
- his own again. Higgins was the name of the lessee from the north, and with
- his wife and family he had occupied the Castle for close upon ten years.
- He was a simple enough man as regards his tastes: he could not appreciate
- the beauty of the cedar wood ceiling of the banqueting hall or the
- Renaissance carved panels of the library. The splendid Gainsboroughs and
- Romneys of the Long Gallery made no more appeal to him than did the Van
- Dycks in the great hall or the three Fragonards of the drawing-room. He
- was quite satisfied with the reputation of having sufficient money to pay
- for the privilege of living in the midst of these masterpieces and of
- keeping about an acre and a half of roof in good repair: he knew more
- about the advantages of close-fitting slates than of the methods of
- eighteenth-century English artists or of fifteenth-century Italian
- carvers.
- </p>
- <p>
- His wife, however, valued to the full the artistic privileges of living in
- so splendid a house, and she was not one to shrink before the searching
- glances of Frances Anne, the wife of the first baronet of the house of
- Richards, as painted by Sir Joshua, sacrificing to Venus, or to assume
- that Lady Elizabeth had turned aside from making a libation to Hymen—Hymen
- demanded quite as many sacrifices as Venus on eighteenth-century canvases—to
- ask her what right she had to sit in the seats of the Richards of
- Nethershire Castle. She knew what her husband paid in the way of rent, and
- she felt that the same was large enough to avert from her any indignant
- look that a sentimentalist might imagine on the face of the most
- malevolent family portrait. In fact, Mrs. Higgins considered the sum large
- enough to allow of her assuming the attitude of the patroness in regard to
- the pictures: she had actually been heard by a friend of the Richards to
- express a critical opinion respecting the pose of the daughter of the
- second baronet—the one who became well known as the Countess of
- Avonwater—in Romney's picture of her as Circe, and to suggest that
- the charger of Lieut.-Colonel Jack Churchill Richards—he was called
- after his father's great commander—in the picture by Sir Godfrey
- Kneller was scarcely large enough to make a polo pony. It was, however,
- clearly understood that these criticisms were offered by the lady only by
- way of establishing her rights over the contents of the mansion so long as
- her husband paid so handsomely as he did for the privilege of such an
- entourage. She had probably heard of certain rights-of-way being
- maintained by a formal walking over the ground to which they referred, by
- the claimant, once a year, and so she thought it well to walk over the
- pictures, so to speak, now and again to show that she understood the
- rights of her position. She really felt the greatest pride in everything,
- and in the course of a few years her feeling in regard to them was that of
- a conscientious descendant from illustrious ancestors. She was much
- prouder of them than the modern Major-General in <i>Patience</i> was of
- his ancestors acquired by purchase.
- </p>
- <p>
- A visit that I paid to the Castle in the temporary possession of the
- family of Higgins was illuminating. I went not because I had ever met
- either Mr. or Mrs. Higgins, but because I was acquainted with Miss
- Richards, a charming old lady who was the sister of the unhappy baronet,
- and had been born in the Castle and lived there for twenty-five or thirty
- years, only leaving for the dower-house on the death of her mother.
- </p>
- <p>
- Miss Richards was on the friendliest terms with the tenants of her old
- home, and I could see that they were pleased to welcome all the friends
- whom she might bring with her to see the wonders of the Castle. But it was
- Mrs. Higgins who “did the honours” of the picture gallery, when we went
- thitherward after tea one lovely afternoon in sum mer shortly after I had
- come to Thurswell. It was Mrs. Higgins who assumed the rôle of Cicerone
- and told me all about the pictures, and gave me duodecimo biographies of
- the originals with all the familiarity that one would expect only from a
- member of the family. Miss Richards stood by smiling quite pleasantly,
- even when Mrs. Higgins looked at her, saying something about a pink-coated
- Captain Richards by Raeburn, and I was disposed to laugh at the comedy of
- Mrs. Higgins of Lancashire telling Miss Richards of Nethershire something
- confidential about Captain Richards, her great-granduncle!
- </p>
- <p>
- I admired the picture, but not nearly so much as I did the coolness of
- Mrs. Higgins and the kindly toleration of Miss Richards.
- </p>
- <p>
- “And this is the portrait by Thornhill of Miss Esther Richards, who
- afterwards married General Forster, who took part in the American War, and
- to avenge the murder of poor André—he called it murder, though, of
- course, some people think that André was really a spy,” said Mrs. Higgins.
- “Doesn't it seem strange to think of that sweet little girl-”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Oh, pardon me,” cried Miss Richards, “you are not quite right. That is
- Lotitia Richards by North-cote. She married Sir Charles Brewster, who was
- killed at Waterloo.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Oh no,” said the tenant, “you are quite wrong. I assure you that this is
- Esther. Your Lotitia is the girl in Oriental costume in the library.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “My dear Mrs. Higgins, how could I possibly be mistaken over such a
- matter?” said Miss Richards. “My dear mother told me how Letty Brewster
- came here one day when she was eighty-two years of age, and how pathetic
- it was to see her stand before her own picture done when a girl; but my
- mother said that really some of the charm of the picture—she had
- lovely eyes, as you can see—was apparent on the face of the dear old
- lady of eighty-two.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I am afraid that you are mixing this picture with another,” said Mrs.
- Higgins quite good-naturedly.
- </p>
- <p>
- And then Miss Richards gave a laugh.
- </p>
- <p>
- “We had better pass this picture and look at one which could not possibly
- be mixed up with another,” she said. “I hope you will agree with me in
- believing that this is Hoppner's Lady Charlotte Richards, Mrs. Higgins.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Oh yes, you are quite right about <i>that one</i>,” said Mrs. Higgins as
- graciously as a governess commending the right answer given by an errant
- pupil. “Oh yes, that is Lady Charlotte. I believe she became pious and
- wrote a hymn. You have heard that, I suppose, Miss Richards?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I do believe I did,” replied Miss Richards. “In fact, I have the tiny
- volume of hymns which she wrote. She was under the influence of Lady
- Huntingdon.”
- </p>
- <p>
- But Mrs. Higgins clearly took very little interest in Lady Huntingdon, and
- she went down the gallery making mistake after mistake; but Miss Richards
- never attempted to correct her—only once she caught my eye. Mrs.
- Higgins had attributed the Master Richards of Lawrence to Sir Peter Lely!
- </p>
- <p>
- We were far away from the Castle before we had our laugh.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Wasn't it really funny?” said Miss Richards.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I think that you must be the most even-tempered person in the county, if
- not in all England,” said I.
- </p>
- <p>
- The friendly relations existing between the two ladies were not at all
- changed by the persistent patronage of the picture gallery by the one who
- was the tenant, and Mrs. Higgins was always ready to offer a hearty
- welcome to any of Miss Richards' friends and to do the honours of the
- Castle. I did not, however, trespass upon her hospitality a second time.
- </p>
- <p>
- A year or two later I met a curious sort of gentleman who bore the same
- name as that of a family of considerable importance—county
- importance, I should say, for outside a ten-mile radius they are, as is
- usually the case, absolute nonentities. I had heard some say, however,
- that the family grounds included a rather wonderful fountain which I
- thought I should like to see. I asked the man if he was any relation to
- the family, and he replied, brightening up wonderfully, that they were his
- cousins.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I believe they have a nice place,” said I. “Isn't there a fountain that
- came from the Villa Borghese? I am greatly interested in that sort of
- thing.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “You must mean the one with the mermaids,” said he.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I dare say that is the one,” said I.
- </p>
- <p>
- “If you go in for things like that you should certainly see it,” he cried.
- “Let me see how I can manage it.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “You are very kind,” said I. “But I could not think of bothering you in
- the matter. I dare say that some day I shall have a chance——”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I have it,” he cried. “The family are going away for a fortnight at
- Easter, and when they are gone I could easily show you over the grounds.
- I'll just make sure of the day they leave, so that there may be no
- mistake.”
- </p>
- <p>
- In spite of a promise of such lavish hospitality, I resisted the
- temptation of being shown over the grounds in the way that was proposed:
- the fact being that I had no confidence in my own ability to act the part
- of the housekeeper's nephew or the second footman's uncle who are admitted
- to the great house when the family are away.
- </p>
- <p>
- I trust, however, that I convinced the enterprising cousin of the great
- house that I fully appreciated his spirited offer to allow me a peep at
- the Borghese fountain through a chink in the back door, as it were.
- </p>
- <p>
- I learned subsequently that the great family started in a tannery in
- Mallingham a hundred and twenty years ago. It was no wonder that any one
- in my station of life could only be expected to approach their demesne by
- a back way.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- II.—THE LEGENDS OF THE COUNTRY HOUSE
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>n the subject of
- great houses, I may venture to say, it has always seemed to me to show a
- singular lack of imagination on the part of some one that one legend
- should be forced to do duty for so large a group, and this legend so
- devoid of any stimulating quality. It seems to me that the legends of the
- country houses of England are, like all Gaul, divided into three parts.
- All through the south one is shown the room in the mansion in which Queen
- Elizabeth slept. There is scarcely a Tudor house in which that particular
- monarch did not sleep for at least one night of her life, and so highly
- cherished is this family tradition that I have known of cases in which she
- slept in a room at least sixty years before the mansion itself was built.
- Then around London one is constantly pointed out by local antiquaries the
- house in which Nell Gwyn lived. “Madam Ellen” certainly seemed given to
- “flitting.” A dozen houses at least are associated with her name. North of
- the Tweed we are confronted with the Mary Queen of Scots and the Bonnie
- Prince Charlie legends. Any story that fails to touch upon the vague
- history of the worthies whom I have ventured to name as presiding over
- each department of tradition, seems to be regarded as uninteresting.
- Although monarchs of quite as blessed memory as Queen Elizabeth must have
- slept in many mansions in their time, yet few rooms are consecrated to the
- memory of their slumbers, and although many ladies of the Court were quite
- as deserving of having their memory enshrined or ensign-ed in the name of
- a fully licensed public-house as Evelyn's “Impudent Comedian,” yet none
- seem to be regarded as so good a draw as Nell Gwyn. The chairs of Mary
- Queen of Scots are as plentiful as the mementoes of the other Stuart
- worthies. I myself have seen in a mansion an Italian cabinet which I was
- assured had belonged to Queen Mary. But when I asked for evidence on this
- point I found that there was none forthcoming. I did not get so far as to
- make such an inquiry in the case of a mahogany looking-glass offered to me
- by a foolish dealer south of the Tweed, who declared that it had been in
- the possession of the same unfortunate lady. It was not to me, however,
- that another dealer tried to sell a dagger that had once been worn by the
- Young Pretender, the proof of its authenticity being displayed in the
- roughly cut initials “Y.P.,” evidently the work of Bonnie Prince Charlie
- himself, on the leather sheath.
- </p>
- <p>
- Generally speaking, I think it may be assumed that no monarch ever slept
- in a room that was not built until he had been dead for a hundred years.
- Fifty years should be accepted as the minimum for such an incident. And
- the probabilities are that no relic of even the most easy-going sovereign
- should be accepted as authentic that was not made within at least ten
- years from the date of his or her death.
- </p>
- <p>
- As for the legends of the member of the family who was known as “the
- wicked lord” or “Black Sir Ughtred,” there is a tiresome sameness about
- them all, and most of them should be treated as overworn coins and called
- in. For instance, there is the story of the dreadfully wicked man of
- property—his portrait is usually in a panel over the fireplace in
- the hall—who provoked a neighbour of whom he was jealous to fight a
- duel with him after dinner one afternoon. They used pistols, taking aim
- across the table that bore the decanters and wineglasses, and the wicked
- gentleman shot his friend through the heart, but escaped the consequences
- of the fell deed by inducing his companions to announce to the world that
- the man had died simply of heart failure. The story is plausible enough,
- if you assume that the coroner and the sheriff and all the other
- authorities were three-bottle men, and it is easy to suppose that in the
- early eighteenth century such high officials might be so described; but
- there is no necessity to wind up the story by showing the visitor the mark
- that the bullet made in the linen-fold wainscoting of the dining-room. You
- see, that striking evidence of the scrupulous accuracy of the story makes
- it essential for you to believe that the fatal bullet passed through the
- worthy gentleman's heart and slued round his backbone before lodging in
- the woodwork behind him, and this is asking too much.
- </p>
- <p>
- I do not suppose that there is a Parliamentary Division of any county in
- England that does not contain a mansion with a room in which this duel was
- fought. Upon one occasion I visited a lesser country house where I
- happened to know a duel had been fought in the dining-room in the
- eighteenth century. I did not venture to inquire of the owner if he had
- heard of that tragic incident: I did not believe that he had; but when I
- was examining a very spurious picture attributed to Canaletto, after
- admiring a dexterous forgery of a rocky landscape by Salvator Rosa, he
- drew my attention to a portrait of a “black-avised” gentleman in a wig,
- and the story of the historical duel came out at once.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I must show you the panel in the dining-room that was splintered by the
- bullet,” said my host; and though I did not insist, he kept his word.
- </p>
- <p>
- “It is said,” he continued, when I was looking at the imperfect woodwork,
- “that the fellow was so stricken with remorse that he would never allow
- the panel to be repaired, in order that he might be constantly reminded of
- his deed; and it's a tradition in our family that it is never to be
- repaired, so there it is to-day.”
- </p>
- <p>
- I did not make myself objectionable to the family by assuring them that
- they might send for the carpenter any time they pleased without offending
- the shades of their ancestors, for it so happened that that particular
- duel was fought with swords and not with pistols.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0015" id="link2H_4_0015"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- III.—FATE OF THE FAMILY PORTRAITS
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>n connection with
- family traditions and family portraits there are bound to be some grimly
- humorous episodes with the lapse of time, owing to the exactions of those
- Chancellors of the Exchequer who have held office since the creation of
- the Death Duties, as they are called. When a man with no ready money of
- his own inherits an estate that has not paid its expenses for many years,
- and a splendid mansion containing about fifty pictures, which, according
- to the most recent auction-room prices, may be worth from £100,000 to
- £150,000—people at picture sales think in pounds and bid in guineas—the
- question that at once presents itself is how to meet the demands of
- Somerset House. The fortunate heir, without a penny in his pocket, is
- called on to hand over from £10,000 to £15,000, according to his
- relationship to the late owner, and he wonders how he is to do it. In some
- cases that have come under my notice the only feasible way out of the
- difficulty has been taken, and some of the pictures have been sold in
- order to pay for the privilege of retaining the others. In the case of
- some historical mansions, however, every picture in the gallery is
- perfectly well known to the world, and the heir has a good many more
- qualms about selling any of them than Charles Surface had about disposing
- of his collection, with the exception of “the little ill-looking fellow
- over the settee.” He feels—if he is capable of any feeling at all—that
- he is selling his own flesh and blood, and he always wonders what people
- will say when they come to visit the historical house and find blank
- panels in which, for perhaps two or three hundred years, stately figures
- of men and graceful figures of women had appeared.
- </p>
- <p>
- What is he to do in such circumstances, while he is thinking his thoughts
- on a settee in the hall, and the Chancellor of the Exchequer is pulling
- away like mad at the wrought-iron bell handle outside and telling the
- butler that his instructions are not to leave the place until his bill is
- paid?
- </p>
- <p>
- It seems that there is only one way by which the honour of the family can
- be preserved. There are trusty agents who can negotiate for an immediate
- and a secret sale of certain of the pictures. These are taken out of their
- frames or out of their panels, copies are made and put where the originals
- had been for years, and when the latter are passed on to New York or
- Chicago, unsuspecting lovers of Art stand beneath copies in admiration of
- the power of the Masters!
- </p>
- <p>
- That is how the honour of the great family remains untarnished, while the
- Chancellor of the Exchequer strikes a match on one of the stone columns of
- the porch, lights his cigarette, and goes jauntily down the avenue with a
- large cheque in his breast-pocket.
- </p>
- <p>
- All very well this for the time being; but a little comedy may possibly
- take place some years later, when once again Death Duties have to be paid,
- and probably at an increased rate per cent. No note may have been made of
- the pictures that were sold, and the copies have been subjected to the
- admiration of visitors without a misgiving. There are, I happen to know,
- copyists of Sir Joshua Reynolds and others of Thomas Gainsborough, Romney,
- Raeburn, Lawrence, and the rest, of such skill in reproducing the style of
- their particular Master that only the cleverest connoisseur could say,
- after the lapse of a year or two, which are the originals and which the
- copies. How, then, is a valuation to be made when the new owner enters
- upon his inheritance?
- </p>
- <p>
- I fancy that it will be discovered Masters than were suspected of it had
- made replicas of their greatest works, and shipped off one to Chicago
- while selling the other to the great English families who gave them the
- order a hundred years or so ago.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER FIVE—THE COUNTY, OLD AND CRUSTED
- </h2>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0017" id="link2H_4_0017"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- I.—THE STRANGERS
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">W</span>HEN THE LATE MR.
- W. P. FRITH WAS AT the height of his fame, and engravings of his “Derby
- Day” and “The Railway Station” contested for prominence on the flowery
- flock-papered walls of many drawing-rooms with Landseers “Monarch of the
- Glen,” he went to pay a visit to his daughter in a southern county, and
- she has placed it on record that when she mentioned his name to the
- leaders of Society in various localities it conveyed nothing to them.
- </p>
- <p>
- Why should it convey anything to them? He did nothing but paint all his
- life. Fame in painting, in music, in writing, means nothing—in many
- cases rather less than nothing—to the society of any English county.
- If the man had brought down a couple of hunters and gone out three times a
- week to hounds, the people in his division of the county would talk to you
- of him and look on you with astonishment if his name conveyed nothing to
- you; and the wife of a retired country doctor who takes up what is known
- as Church work—organising village teas and village concerts and
- Sunday “Unions”—is at once accorded a position that counts as fame
- in such communities in England.
- </p>
- <p>
- But if it were not for observing these features in country life nothing of
- its lighter side would be apparent. There is nothing so comical as a
- picture in which all the laws of perspective are ignored; and living in a
- country town in England is like placing oneself in the position of the man
- in Edgar Allan Poe's story who, looking out of his window, saw an immense
- and hideous monster—a thing with splay feet and a huge proboscis—stalking
- with mighty steps across a distant lawn, and was greatly perturbed until
- he discovered that the creature was only an ordinary sort of spider
- walking across one of the strands of its web, which was drawn across the
- window pane.
- </p>
- <p>
- Every day one may have experience of people living in the midst of such
- distorted perspective—fancying that the commonplace insects that
- move before them are creatures of enormous proportions and importance, and
- quite as frequently assuming that because an object appears small to them,
- being far away from them, it is quite insignificant. If one cannot find
- humour in observing the attitude of people who ignore the conditions of
- perspective in this way, one must be stolid indeed.
- </p>
- <p>
- A typical inhabitant complained to me very bitterly some time ago of
- having just discharged a very thankless duty in respect of a stranger who,
- at the instigation of his brother—a London barrister of some repute—had
- called upon him in motoring through the county. He admitted that the
- stranger was a nice enough sort of man, but wholly devoid of appreciation
- of the relative importance of the persons whose houses were pointed out to
- him from the summit of the old castle which the stranger had been anxious
- to visit.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I showed him Lord Riverland's place—as much of it as we could see
- through the trees—but all he said was, 'Who is Lord Riverland?'”
- continued the man, pouring his complaint into my ear. “And then I told him
- that just beyond Eglam Church was the Shillingdales' place. 'Funny name,
- Shillingdale!' was all that he remarked; but when we were leaving the
- castle he saw the gable of Maxfield's house sticking out, and he took a
- fancy to that tumbledown place and asked who lived there. I told him.
- 'Maxfield,' he said. 'Not Laurence Maxfield, I suppose?' I said that I
- believed his name was Laurence. 'What! Laurence Max-field, the painter?'
- Yes, I said, I heard he was something in that line. Well, you should have
- seen his face at that. 'How can I ever thank you sufficiently for pointing
- out that house to me?' he cried. And when we got down to the road he kept
- hovering about that place, and once he said, 'What kind fate led me here
- to-day? And yet I might have gone away without so much as glancing at the
- house of Laurence Max-field!' Now, is it any wonder that I almost lost my
- temper? I had pointed out to the fellow Riverland Park and Shillingdale
- Hall, and yet I don't believe he ever heard of Lord Riverland, or knew
- that Captain Shillingdale had been made a D.L. for the county! But he
- almost became maudlin over the two old cottages that Maxfield knocked into
- one! A painter! The idea of making a fuss over a painter!”
- </p>
- <p>
- “You forget that the man was a total stranger to our neighbourhood,” said
- I. “You must make allowances: he knew no better.”
- </p>
- <p>
- He said he supposed the fellow really did know no better; and I am
- convinced that in his own way he abused his visitor to his wife for the
- man's deplorable lack of all sense of proportion, to ignore the privilege
- of having a distant view of the mansion of a deputy-lieutenant of an
- English county and feasting his eyes on the cottage of a painter!
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0018" id="link2H_4_0018"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- II.—THE INSECT AND THE MAMMOTH
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> more amusing
- example still of the insect being taken for the mammoth was given to me by
- the person whose mammoth-like proportions (intellectually) were neglected
- because all eyes were directed upon the passage of an insignificant local
- insect across the line of vision.
- </p>
- <p>
- He was a literary man whose name is known and respected in every part of
- the world—not merely in that narrow republic known as the world of
- letters. He was staying for a week at the house of a friend, when a lady,
- who was getting up a charity concert at Ringdon, calling at the house one
- day, and being told in a whisper by one of the daughters of the family
- when walking through the garden that they had a celebrity with them,
- entreated him to “do” something for the entertainment of her audience: she
- didn't mind what it might be that he would do, if he only agreed to do
- something.
- </p>
- <p>
- Now it so happened that the lady had a more potent qualification than
- persistence in making an appeal to a man—she was extremely
- good-looking—and the man could not resist her importunity. He
- pro-mised to tell some short stories at the concert, and, in accordance
- with the terms of his promise, he turned up in the schoolhouse where the
- concert was to take place, supported by his host and two of the family.
- But the charming lady had not mentioned the fact that the entertainment
- was to supplement a parochial tea, and when they arrived this part of the
- programme was scarcely over. There were no printed programmes; only the
- clergyman who presided had before him a list of the performers and the
- nature of their performances, and he at once called upon a young woman who
- played very prettily on the piano. A young man, who professionally was the
- assistant to the Ringdon baker, was then called upon to sing the “Death of
- Nelson,” which he did without faltering. When the applause had died away
- the clergyman rose from his chair and said—
- </p>
- <p>
- “My dear friends, we have with us this evening a gentleman who has very
- kindly consented to contribute to our entertainment. He is a gentleman
- with whose name you will all be familiar. Were he not present I should
- like to refer more particularly to his honourable career; for in his
- presence I feel that it would not be good taste to do so, and, besides, he
- is so modest that I know he would be set blushing even though I were only
- to say one-half of all that was his due. My dear friends, I call upon you
- to give a hearty welcome to Mr. Reuben Robinson, who has come all the way
- from Netherham to give you his entertainment familiar to you all, I am
- sure, under the title of 'Charlie and Charlotte.'”
- </p>
- <p>
- The amateur ventriloquist went on the platform with his horrid puppets,
- and the young people cheered him for several minutes.
- </p>
- <p>
- Later in the evening the clergyman, without any preliminary discourse,
- called upon the literary celebrity to tell his stories. Now throughout the
- world this writer is known as Alec Bidford, and now for the first time in
- his life he heard himself alluded to as Alexander Bedford; and it became
- clear to him that the good clergyman had never heard his name before!
- </p>
- <p>
- Happily the victim of the beautiful lady's importunity has a keen sense of
- humour, as any one who goes farther than the parson did, and reads one of
- his books, will not need to be told, and I have never heard him more
- humorous than when he refers to his selfconsciousness while the clergyman
- was dealing with the fame achieved by—Mr. Reuben Robinson, the
- amateur ventriloquist, who had come all the way miles from the village of
- Netherham, where he sold bacon in the daytime. I do not know what Alec
- Bid-ford's opinion is, but I do know that there are some people who
- believe that this sort of discipline is good for one, whether one may be a
- literary celebrity or some lesser personage. An appearance in a Court of
- Law usually serves the same purpose; but it must be more than irritating
- to a man whose name is known to and honoured by every member of his own
- profession to be treated in the court with no more consideration than is
- extended to the merest nonentity. The judge professes never to have heard
- his name mentioned before, and, if he has been a witness, refers to his
- evidence without thinking it necessary to give him the ordinary prefix of
- “Mr.” I have seen six of the most distinguished literary men in England—popular
- men, too, as well as geniuses—give evidence in a Court of Law, and
- yet the calling out of name after name did not cause even one of the
- solicitors' clerks to raise his head from the paper which he was reading,
- and the jurymen chatted together without being in the smallest degree
- impressed by the prospect of hearing the great one's voice.
- </p>
- <p>
- This also is discipline, I suppose. At any rate, it suggests that a
- provincial town is not the only place where a sense of proportion is
- lacking.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER SIX—THE OLD COUNTY TOWN
- </h2>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0020" id="link2H_4_0020"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- I.—IN THE HIGH STREET
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>F OUR THURSWELL IS
- A TYPICAL English village, assuredly Mallingham is a typical country town,
- only inclining to the picturesque side rather than the sordid. Like most
- picturesque towns, it is more highly appreciated by strangers than by its
- own inhabitants. Its one long street crawls along a ridge of the Downs,
- and from the lower level of the road that skirts this ridge and meanders
- among fat farms and luscious meadows, with an old Norman church here and
- there embowered in immemorial elms and granges mentioned in <i>Domesday
- Book</i>, steep lanes of old houses climb to the business street. It is
- really impossible to reach the town without a climb of some sort; and this
- fact, which made the site an ideal one, from the standpoint of the
- mediaeval founders of its walls and gates, remnants of which may yet be
- discovered by any one searching for them in a true archaeological spirit,
- causes a good deal of grumbling among the residents on both levels, who
- have to face many climbs in the course of an ordinary day's work. But
- motoring strangers, who pass through the town by the hundred every day,
- travelling between the two fashionable coast resorts, glance down the
- narrow lanes and say, “How simply lovely!” or “Doesn't it remind you of
- Nuremberg?” Perhaps it does remind them of Nuremberg—I have known
- people who affected to be reminded of Sorrento at Brighton—but for
- my part Mallingham only reminds me of an English country town, the
- convenient centre for a ten-mile area of villages. Enough business is done
- in its properly called High Street to allow of two banks keeping their
- doors open, and of half a dozen shopkeepers making modest fortunes in the
- course of a hundred years or so, and retiring from their half-timbered
- places of business to the avenue of red brick villas with well fires and
- radiators which an enterprising “developer” of one of the manors perceived
- to be a long-felt want. But the shops go on from generation to generation
- with the old names over the front, and in many cases with the family of
- the new generation living on the premises in the good old way. Only in
- this sense, however, may the tradesmen be said to be “above their
- business”; there is not the least disposition on the part of any of them
- to appear anything beyond what they are, for the simple reason that they
- do not think that the world holds anything better than a Mallingham
- tradesman. And, indeed, I am not sure that the world holds anything less
- ambitious. The aspirations of most of them do not go beyond the acquiring
- of a plate-glass frontage. Occasionally this dream literally crystallises,
- and when the crates are known to be actually awaiting delivery at the
- Goods Station, the “consignee” of the waybill is pointed out to strangers
- by the simple casement shopkeepers with bated breath and an occasional
- break in the voice. It is understood that the plate-glass front can only
- be achieved by a limited number of traders, and for years it was accounted
- a gross piece of presumption for any one whose lineage as a shopkeeper
- could not be traced through at least three generations of bill-heads to
- make a move in the direction of a “front”; but just before last Christmas
- a bolt from the blue fell upon the astonished town, for the two demure old
- ladies who kept a small millinery shop (with gloves and table linen at the
- farther end) put up bills on their small latticed window announcing a
- cheap sale in consequence of “impending alterations.” Now that particular
- shop front had remained unchanged for certainly a hundred and fifty years—perhaps
- two hundred and fifty years—and the two old maiden ladies who had
- looked after it for close upon half a century seemed the most conservative
- of persons, so it was taken for granted that the alterations which were
- “impending” had reference only to the affixing of a new sun-blind in good
- time for the summer, or perhaps an outside lamp to make the winter nights
- more cheerful.
- </p>
- <p>
- After a considerable amount of discussion on the subject an informal
- deputation waited upon the ladies to obtain information on a matter which,
- it was understood, affected the well-being of the whole community, and
- which was approaching a stage when a specific pronouncement one way or
- another was absolutely necessary.
- </p>
- <p>
- Then it was that the truth was revealed. The maiden ladies had, they
- confessed, been surreptitiously discussing the putting in of a plate-glass
- front, and they had come to the conclusion that as they were both old and
- life at best was uncertain, they should not any longer procrastinate the
- carrying out of a scheme which the growth of the town and its increasing
- importance fully warranted, they thought.
- </p>
- <p>
- It took just four days to fix the new front in its place; but it was the
- topic of the town for months, and even now you will see an occasional
- group of town people discussing the innovation and wondering what things
- are coming to.
- </p>
- <p>
- The dimensions of the topic were, as I ascertained for my own
- satisfaction, nine feet broad by seven feet high. This was the <i>premier
- pas</i>. It led to the extravagance of a sunk letter sign, picked out in
- gold, an outside lamp, and a spring sun-blind, all of the most
- conventional pattern, and all to my mind in the condition of the “party in
- a parlour” in the Wordsworth parody. In short, a charming old house with
- many features of interest was transformed into a foolish hybrid thing—a
- single sheet of plate-glass on the ground floor, beneath two pairs of
- small cottage casements with delightful stone eaves. So prosperity turns
- out the picturesque or, at least, relegates it to the basement, and so a
- street with all the charm of past centuries clinging to it is fast
- becoming commonplace, and strangers driving through it laugh at the feeble
- attempts to give the commercial air of Harrods to a row of cottages—about
- as sensible a proceeding as it would be to attempt to assimilate the
- façade of Hampton Court with that of Hampton's in Pall Mall.
- </p>
- <p>
- Happily there are still some sixteenth-century eaves left and also some
- eighteenth-century bow windows—the gentle curved bow of the
- eighteenth century, not the detestable obtuse-angle things of the
- mid-nineteenth—and happily the spirit of commercial enterprise does
- not pervade the entire community. Several of the houses that have been
- turned into shops contain admirable chimneypieces and panelled rooms, with
- an occasional fire-back and basket grate. It seems, too, that there must
- have lived in the place a century or so ago a master workman with a great
- fancy for decorating chimneypieces after the style of Adam; for in many of
- the rooms of sixteenth-century houses may be found quite good examples of
- the early style of Robert Adam. In one house there is a fine parlour
- decorated throughout in this way.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0021" id="link2H_4_0021"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- II.—PRECIOUS PANELLING
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>ome time ago a
- mason, while doing some repairs in a room in a very old timbered house,
- disclosed some oak panelling which probably belonged to the sixteenth
- century. The news of the discovery went abroad, and a collector of
- “antiques” in the neighbourhood bought the woodwork for a hundred pounds—far
- more than it was worth, of course, but that is nothing; the effect of the
- find and of the sale was disastrous to the occupants of other old houses,
- for they forthwith summoned masons and carpenters and began pulling down
- their walls, feeling sure that a hundred pounds' worth of panelling was
- within their reach. They were all disappointed; for several years had
- passed before the landlord of the chief hotel—it had once been the
- county town house of a great local family—found behind the battens
- which served as the stretchers of the canvas that bore some very common
- paper in his coffee-room, a long range of oak wainscoting covered with
- paint. The usual local antiquary made his appearance, and through dilating
- upon its beauty and abusing the vandalism that had spread those coats of
- paint upon the oak, induced the landlord to give the order to have the
- panels “stripped” and made good. He little knew what he had let himself in
- for! The carpenters and the painters attacked the room with spirit (of
- turpentine), and for weeks it remained in their hands; for it was found
- that at least twenty coats of paint were upon the woodwork, and that a
- great portion of it was only held together by the paint, so that with the
- removal of this binding medium the panels became splinters.
- </p>
- <p>
- Before the end of a profitless six weeks the good landlord was wishing
- with all his heart that that relic of a bygone period had been allowed to
- rest comfortably buried beneath the papered canvas that had entombed it
- all. The bill that he had to pay for the restoration was for such a sum as
- would have been sufficient to buy the same quantity of absolutely new
- panelling, he explained to some people to whom he went for sympathy! He
- laid great stress upon the fact that he could actually have got new
- panelling for the price of repairing the old!
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0005" id="linkimage-0005"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0103.jpg" alt="0103 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0103.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- And this was the spirit in which a far-seeing but non-antiquarian lady,
- who lived in another ancient house in the same street, received the
- liberal offer of a gentleman from the United States who had taken a fancy
- to her oak staircase. It was a commonplace type and might be found by the
- dozen in any old town; but he told her that he would pay her a hundred
- pounds for it, and she jumped at his offer. The staircase was carted away
- and a new one of serviceable deal, absolutely fresh from the carpenter's
- shop, was put in its place.
- </p>
- <p>
- Her example induced a relation of hers—also a maiden approaching the
- venerable stage—to sell the panelling of one room, the fireplace of
- another, the Georgian pillared cupboards of a third, and actually the old
- black and white slabs of the square hall. Hearing of all this selling
- going on, an enthusiast made her an offer for the pillared porch of the
- house, and another for the leaden cistern on the roof and the copper
- rain-water head. Last of all, a man who was building a house in imitation
- of the old in the neighbourhood set covetous eyes upon her twisted
- chimney-pots and some peculiar coping tiles on the roof. She accepted
- every offer—with modifications; but when she had fulfilled her part
- of the business she found herself a solitary figure amid the ruin of a
- nice house, but with a nice little sum in her pocket. It was at this
- juncture that an enterprising tradesman from Brindlington, who was on the
- look out for “branches,” came upon the half-dismantled house. Thinking
- that it was about to be pulled down, he made inquiries about it, and these
- he considered so satisfactory that he bought, at a good price, all that
- the previous speculators had left of it, completed their work of
- demolition, and within six months had erected upon the site some
- “desirable business premises” in the cheapest red brick, with an
- inconceivable broad expanse of plate-glass which he called somebody's
- “Co-operative Stores.” He had co-operated with so many people in carrying
- out the work of destruction in regard to the old premises, it seemed only
- fit that the same principle should be maintained in their reconstruction.
- The place is only a branch establishment, but it is said to be flourishing
- as well as the parent tree.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0022" id="link2H_4_0022"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- III.—THE AMENITIES OF THE HIGH STREET
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">E</span>very here and
- there between the shops in the High Street is a house that has survived
- the request—it never amounts to a demand in Mallingham—for
- “business premises.” Quite unpretentious is the appearance of all these
- houses, but the front door opens upon a hall that is a hall, and not a
- mere passage to a narrow staircase. Admirably proportioned rooms are to be
- found on every floor, and usually a door at the farther end of the hall
- admits one to a garden, and not a mere patch of green. Here are gardens
- that have been cultivated for hundreds of years and so artfully designed
- that each of them has the appearance of a park, with lawns, and terraces,
- and pergolas. Here, not thirty feet back from the street, are acres of
- orchard, with mulberry trees of the original stock introduced by James I.
- to make possible his scheme of English silk weaving. The arbutus has also
- a home in several of these surprising pleasure grounds, with several other
- rare but fully acclimatised flowering shrubs. Shady walks among giant
- lilacs and laburnums lead to banks of roses and beds of lilies, and hardy
- borders of brilliant colour such as a stranger could never fancy might be
- found in so unpromising a region.
- </p>
- <p>
- The lucky residents in these wonderful houses are usually extremely
- exclusive—if they were not so, goodness only knows what might
- happen. When a lady of good family finds herself living next door to a
- grocer and an ironmonger, she is bound to take steps to prevent the
- possibility of any one fancying that she belongs to that <i>galère</i>,
- and the steps that some of them take with this fact in their mind are
- sometimes very diverting. They usually assume the form of ignoring the
- existence, not so much of the grocer and the ironmonger as of the other
- ladies similarly situated. If you call upon Miss Wheatly at No. 10 High
- Street and, after praising up her garden, refer to the garden of Miss
- Keightley at No. 20, Miss Wheatley will express great interest, saying she
- has often heard that Miss Keightley's garden is quite charming, but she
- has never seen it for herself. Miss Keightley on her side may go even
- further, and not merely pretend that she has never heard of Miss
- Wheatley's garden, but also that she had no idea that any one named
- Wheatley lived in the town. This is at first, but she occasionally betrays
- a scrupulous anxiety to be accurate by asking, “What did you say the name
- was? Wheatley? Oh yes, to be sure I remember hearing the other day that a
- Miss Wheatley lived at No. 10. And you say she has a nice garden?”
- </p>
- <p>
- And these good ladies may have been living within a few doors of one
- another for forty odd years, and the father of the one may have been in
- the butter trade, while the father of the other was in eggs.
- </p>
- <p>
- The social distinctions in a country town such as Mallingham are sometimes
- very pathetic. It might be thought that the people would find a bond of
- union in that illiteracy which they enjoy in common, or in that profound
- ignorance of everything connected, however distantly, with art or science
- in which they live from one end of the year to the other; but one does not
- find it so. Mallingham is perhaps the most ill-informed town in England on
- all matters pertaining to culture, whether literary or artistic. A
- stranger who was unacquainted with this fact thought he was scoring a
- point in a speech which he had been called on to make in the absence of
- the Member for the Division at the annual banquet of the Barham Trust—the
- most important incident of the winter in Mallingham—when he remarked
- that he felt that the town must be the centre of the greatest literary
- activity; for, motoring through the High Street, he found on one of the
- shop signs the name Swift, on another the name Smollett, a little farther
- on he came upon an Addison (great applause), and finally he found himself
- close to the house of Hume. Surely, he said, these names spoke for
- themselves.
- </p>
- <p>
- They had need to, for none of the élite of Mailingham could speak for any
- of them, except Addison, for Mr. Addison was a pork butcher, who the day
- before had been elected a member of the Corporation, after a hard struggle
- with a saddler. It so happened that the bearers of all the other literary
- names were not applaudable people—two of them were definitely
- unpopular—but the name of Mr. Addison was received with cheers, not
- by reason of his connection with <i>The Spectator</i>, but simply because
- of his recent achievement, and no one at the banquet had the least idea
- what the orator was referring to in bringing forward that string of names.
- “He might surely have mentioned Mr. Fawley, who was twice Mayor, or George
- Hanson, who has just bought the saw mills,” a prominent burgess remarked
- to me when I was in his shop the next day. “But what has Peter Swift done,
- or Tom Smollett, or even Walter Hume? Decent enough men, I don't deny, but
- out of place when named in prominence at the Barham Banquet.”
- </p>
- <p>
- I never met anyone in the town who had heard these names in any other
- connection than that of Mailingham shopkeepers.
- </p>
- <p>
- Some time later a new curate at St Bartholomew's, when proposing a vote of
- thanks to the chairman of one of his social meetings (with a magic lantern
- and an amateur ventriloquist), became erudite and droll by referring to
- “what Dr. Johnson said about music.” The next day one of the churchwardens—a
- land agent—asked him how on earth he could attribute such a
- sentiment to Dr. Johnson. “I knew Dr. Johnson as well as most people, and
- there never was a man in the town who enjoyed a song better or knew better
- what a good song was,” he said; and when the perplexed curate recovered
- himself sufficiently to be able to explain that there was another Dr.
- Johnson who said things besides the person of the same name who had once
- enjoyed quite a large and lucrative practice as a fully qualified
- veterinary surgeon at Mallingham, the churchwarden smiled and shook his
- head. “As much as to say,” the clergyman added in telling me the story—“as
- much as to say that my excuse was far from plausible, but that he would
- accept it to prevent the matter going farther.”
- </p>
- <p>
- That narrative I found to be beautifully typical of the literary erudition
- of Mallingham.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0023" id="link2H_4_0023"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- IV.—THE TWO ICONOCLASTS
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>ome four or five
- miles away are the imposing ruins of a great abbey of the Franciscans. It
- had once been of so great importance in the land that when the archabbey
- wrecker decreed that it should be demolished, he sent his most trustworthy
- housebreaker to carry out his orders. Now everybody of education in
- Mallingham can tell you all that is known about the venerable ruin, and it
- is the pride of the town that it should be so closely connected with the
- history of the Abbey; but I have never yet met with any layman in the
- neighbourhood who was not under the impression that the crime of its
- destruction should be added to the pretty long account of that Cromwell
- who was called Oliver, and I should not like to be the person who would
- suggest that there was another Cromwell—one who did not decapitate
- his king, but whom his king decapitated.
- </p>
- <p>
- For that matter, however, it must be acknowledged that the people of
- Mallingham do not stand alone in mixing up those iconoclasts. I have found
- that in many parts of England as well as Ireland every deficiency in the
- features of a church figure or a church ornament is attributed to the
- later Cromwell. In Ireland I have had pointed out to me by clergymen of
- both churches the headless saints and the broken carvings caused by the
- fury of “Cromwell,” though I knew perfectly well that the work of
- sacrilege could not have been done by him, for two reasons, the first
- being that in his devastating progress through Ireland he had never
- approached the places in question, and the second being that the sacred
- buildings in which the damage was done had not been built until long after
- Cromwell had sailed for England, after being soundly-beaten at Clonmel.
- </p>
- <p>
- Of course in Ireland there was only one “curse of Cromwell”; but in
- England I soon found that there were two, and so the progress of confusion
- began, until at the present time, when you are visiting any old church and
- see in a niche an adult saint with a broken nose, or a carved rood screen
- deficient about the rood, the verger—sometimes the rector himself—is
- quite fluent in explaining that the heavy hand of Cromwell must be held
- accountable for the spoliation. If you ask which of the two, the answer
- will most certainly be, “Why, Cromwell to be sure—Cromwell—Oliver
- Cromwell.”
- </p>
- <p>
- An outsider should not interfere. The shade of Oliver would not shudder,
- even if such an expression of emotion were permitted the shadiest of
- shades, at the accusation being directed against him instead of the older
- Cromwell. He would probably say, if speech were allowed to him, “I have
- the greatest possible satisfaction in allowing my name to be associated
- with any act of iconoclasm of the nature of those acts so conscientiously
- perpetrated by my distinguished countryman.”
- </p>
- <p>
- He would feel that, could he have had any hand in smashing in the roofs of
- monasteries and despoiling rich abbeys, it would be accounted to him for
- righteousness. After such splendid acts of spoliation, knocking the nose
- off a poorly carved saint could not but seem a paltry thing, quite
- unworthy of any man with a reputation for a heavy hand to maintain.
- </p>
- <p>
- But Mallingham, for all its literary and historical ignorance, has its
- heart in the right place; and it is staunch to Church and State—staunch
- to the core. Every Fifth of November it has its procession emblematic of
- these principles, and it must be confessed that the symbolism of the
- movement is not exclusive. To express adequately the loyalty of
- Mallingham, it is found necessary to set forth in marching order Turks,
- male and female, Negroes, Zulus, Toreadors, Pierrots, Harlequins, the
- Archbishop of Canterbury, Pirates, Mary Queen of Scots, Firemen, Dragoons,
- William Shakespeare, a Sailor, and many other characters, all of whom, it
- must be taken for granted, typify the triumph of Loyalty. Should any
- question a-rise—for captious inquirers may always be reckoned on in
- these days of high educational achievement—as to the identity of the
- leading typical figure in this pageant and the reason of the obloquy that
- is heaped upon him, culminating in the stake, with foul-mouthed
- explosives, the answer is that he is one Guy Fox, and that he is paying
- the penalty of having failed to blow up the Houses of Parliament. After
- that explanation no one can doubt that, whoever he was, he richly deserves
- his fate—or should it be spelt <i>fête?</i>
- </p>
- <p>
- Occasionally co-opted with him is an unpopular person of distinction in
- the neighbourhood—a clergyman who lies under the stigma of preaching
- toleration, a police superintendent with a constitutional distaste for
- bonfires and low-flash explosives in the public streets, or perhaps a
- District Visitor suspected of “leanings.” But usually by midnight the
- worst is over, and good nature without intoxicants prevails throughout the
- motley crowd; the Archbishop of Canterbury lights his cigarette—one
- of the packet with the pictures—from that of the Pirate King; Mary
- Queen of Scots hurries to the house where she discharges the duties of
- parlour-maid, complaining to a sympathetic Shakespeare that she has to be
- up at six in the morning to let in the sweep, and so home to bed.
- </p>
- <p>
- The only literary fact which is impressed upon all the townspeople is that
- by some way never made quite clear, the singeing effigy, whose obsequies
- have been so imposing, was responsible for a <i>Book of Martyrs.</i> The
- general idea is that he was responsible for the martyrs themselves, and
- that Foxes <i>Book of Martyrs</i> is a sort of catalogue with descriptive
- text of his victims.
- </p>
- <p>
- So, as has been stated, the two Cromwells have but a single identity in
- the minds of Mallingham.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0024" id="link2H_4_0024"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- V.—THE SOCIAL “SETS”
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>f course there is
- in Mallingham, as in every other country town, a first set and a second
- set—perhaps even a third, but that must be very close indeed to the
- unclassed tradesmen set, which is no set at all. And here it may be
- mentioned that the tradesmen's families are, as a rule, very much more
- refined and almost invariably better educated than the families of the
- first or second sets. Some years ago there was an amateur performance of
- one of Mr. Sutro's delightful plays given in aid of some deserving
- charity. Charity performances cover, as does Charity itself, a multitude
- of sins, but the leading lady did not need to make any appeal for
- leniency, so ably did she represent the part of the refined woman who was
- not quite sure whether she loved her husband or not. She was the daughter
- of a professional man, but had never succeeded in getting into the first
- set; for it must be remembered that there is no graduating from one set to
- another: one is either accepted or rejected at once. A couple of years
- later, however, the play was repeated, only this time it was under the
- highest patronage, so the management resolved to get the real thing. They
- managed to secure the services of a lady of title for the chief part, and
- the result was appalling. The refinement had vanished from the part, so
- had the correct pronunciation of the English language, so had the good
- taste in the toilettes worn, so had every vestige of intelligence. In
- place of these we were shown a pert young person with a voice like that of
- a barmaid in a country inn and a taste in dress to correspond. In the
- matter of memory for the words of the dialogue also the advantage was
- certainly on the side of the humbler representative of the part. In one of
- Mr. Henry James' most delightful short stories the catastrophe of “The
- Real Thing” is depicted. It was not more pronounced than that of the
- second representation of the comedy.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0006" id="linkimage-0006"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0113.jpg" alt="0113 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0113.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- It is really very difficult to understand what are the qualifications for
- the best set in Mallingham; but somehow people usually find themselves in
- the set that suits them, and very seldom do the rulers of the social
- grades in Mallingham make a mistake. They have now and again sailed very
- close to the wind, however; for that was a nasty rub they got when they
- hastened to call upon a stranger, with the title of Baroness, who had
- taken a house in the new part of the town and kept a man-servant. As the
- story was told me, the ladies jammed one another in the doorway in their
- anxiety to be the first caller upon the Baroness, or Madame la Baronne, as
- the wife of a retired Indian civil servant called her, having studied the
- idioms of the <i>Comédie française</i>. Madame la Baronne was indeed a
- lady of great personal charm, and she was invited everywhere—even to
- the villa of the wife of the leading brewer, which represented a sort of
- Distinguished Strangers' Gallery in Mallingham. The competition among the
- most select for the presence of Madame at their houses was strenuous; and
- as she was in such demand it really should not have been regarded as so
- surprising that a London magistrate should send her a peremptory
- invitation by the hand of two detectives to come to the court over which
- he presided. His messengers would take no denial, he wanted her so badly,
- so she had perforce to throw over her local engagements and grant the
- magistrate the favour which he requested of her.
- </p>
- <p>
- Her portrait was in the <i>Daily Mirror</i> the next day, in connection
- with a startling series of headlines, beginning, “The Bogus Baroness Again—Arrest
- at Mallingham.” She was one of the most notorious swindlers that France
- ever returned to her native shore, after a series of exploits in Paris.
- </p>
- <p>
- The ladies of Mallingham ran up against one another in the porch of her
- villa in their haste to get back the cards they had left upon her.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0025" id="link2H_4_0025"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- VI.—THE CASE OF MR. STANWELL
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>hat was what might
- be termed “a close call” upon the dignity and discrimination of the
- leaders of Society in Mallingham, and this was possibly why they held back
- when a man and his wife bearing the name Stanwell took a house in the
- town. The lady seemed quite nice and the man was passable, and before they
- had “settled down” it was noised abroad that they had a car: it need
- scarcely be said that to “have a car” is in country districts nowadays as
- sure a sign of respectability as “driving a gig” was in the 'thirties.
- There seemed to be no reason why these people should not be called upon by
- the leaders of Mallingham Society; but the leaders were getting more
- cautious than ever since the Baroness' scandal, and they hung back, none
- of them wishing to take a step which it would be impossible to recall, and
- every day the question of to call or not to call was informally discussed.
- It was just at this critical moment, when the fate of the Stanwells was
- trembling in the balance, so to speak, that one of the leaders was visited
- by a London friend, and on the name Stanwell being mentioned, this person
- asked, “Is that Herbert Stanwell, the author? It must be. I heard that he
- was leaving London and going to live in the country. They are all going.
- Soon we shall not have an author left in London; though I remember the
- time when they all lived there.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “This Mr. Stanwell has a car, I hear,” was the “feeling” suggestion made
- by the Mallingham lady.
- </p>
- <p>
- “So has Herbert Stanwell—he has been photographed in it dozens of
- times. Dear me! To think of Herbert Stanwell coming down here!” was the
- exclamation of the visitor; and the moment that she had gone back to
- London her hostess rushed round to her partners in the government of
- social Mallingham, and breathlessly announced that she had discovered that
- Mr. Stanwell was an author and that Mrs. Stanwell was his wife.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Good heavens!” was the whispered exclamation from the syndicate. “Who
- would have believed it? And we were actually thinking of calling upon
- them! And they look quite respectable.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “And have a car!”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Car, or no car, what I tell you is the truth. Is he not 'H. Stanwell?'
- and the authors name is Herbert. There's no doubt about it. And my friend,
- who knows everybody in London, said that Herbert Stanwell was about to
- live in the country.”
- </p>
- <p>
- She assumed the pose of a Princess Hohenstïel Schwangau, saviour of
- Society, and she and her friends talked of how providential were certain
- incidents, let scoffers say what they might; for if she had not by the
- merest accident—ah, a providential accident!—mentioned the
- name of the Stanwells, no one would have known anything about them, and
- they might have been visited quite in good faith.
- </p>
- <p>
- They parted, feeling that Providence was, very properly, mindful of the
- best interests of Mallingham; and so it was decreed that the newcomers—that
- pair who had made the attempt to get within the citadel of Mallingham's
- exclusiveness, not storming it boldly, but by the insidious device of
- concealing the fact that at least one of them was the author of over
- twenty novels—were not to be called on, although they had a car.
- </p>
- <p>
- Before a month had passed, however, <i>The Happy Home</i>, a magazine
- widely circulated at Mallingham on account of its admirable paper
- patterns, contained an interview with Herbert Wilfred Stanwell, giving an
- excellent protrait of the distinguished author sitting (as usual) in his
- motor-car, with his favourite Chow, <i>Ming</i>, beside him; and the
- “letterpress” stated that he was unmarried, and that he had just taken a
- charming cottage at Henley (illustrated), on the lawn of which
- (illustrated), it might be taken for granted, all that was illustrious in
- Literature, Art, and the Drama would be found at week-ends during the
- summer, Mr. Stanwell's hospitality being proverbial.
- </p>
- <p>
- The next day cards were left upon Mr. H. Stanwell and his wife, and it was
- universally admitted that they formed quite a congenial addition to
- Mailing-ham Society. He was a pleasant man and she was a charming woman.
- They came to Mallingham with a clean bill of health. Neither of them had
- done anything in the world, and the only time their names had appeared in
- the newspapers was when they had been married. They were nonentities to
- their finger-tips, and they soon took a high place among the nonentities
- of Mallingham.
- </p>
- <p>
- Mr. Stanwell sorrowfully admits that more than once he has been asked in
- hotels in France and Italy if he was any relation to Herbert Stanwell, the
- great author. It is very annoying, he says, but he hopes to live it down.
- If he continues to live at Mallingham, he may be assured that his hopes
- run every chance of being realised.
- </p>
- <p>
- It is greatly to be feared that the leading “note” of Mallingham is not
- literature. It is Thurswell that occasionally lays claim to be a great
- reading centre. It was in the most friendly spirit of honest patronage
- that a lady addressed a letter to George Eliot, commending some of the
- characters in <i>The Mill on the Floss</i>, but regretting that the story
- had not a happy ending.
- </p>
- <p>
- “But it never reached him,” she said. “I had sent it under cover to the
- publishers, but they returned it to me, with a scrawl across it, evidently
- done by a clerk, saying, '<i>Present address of</i> George Eliot not
- known, so, after all my trouble, it never reached him.”
- </p>
- <p>
- Having mentioned <i>The Mill on the Floss</i>, I feel bound to say that
- neither in Thurswell nor Mallingham did the sporting innkeeper live who,
- on seeing a cheap edition of the book advertised, at once sent for it and
- read the greater part of it before he found out that he had been too hasty
- in taking for granted that it was written round a prizefight. A “mill”
- meant to him primarily such an incident, and his excursions into the magic
- realms of literature had practically been confined to the spirited
- accounts given incertain weekly papers of such encounters. A mill as an
- industrial building conveyed quite a secondary idea to him. He admitted to
- a friend of mine who found the book in the bar parlour, and wondered how
- it got he had been “had” over it, and his faith in the accuracy of
- literary advertisements got a severe jar. How was he to tell, he asked,
- that the chap meant another sort of mill?
- </p>
- <p>
- How, indeed?
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER SEVEN—THE PEOPLE OF MALLINGHAM
- </h2>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0027" id="link2H_4_0027"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- I.—THE MAYOR
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>NE OF THE
- PECULIARITIES OF MALLINGHAM is the Mayor, for Mallingham has a Mayor all
- to itself, except when, by virtue of his office, he spends a happy day on
- various County Benches, joining with the representatives of local county
- families in the administration of Petty Sessions justice—Petty
- Sessions justice is founded on “good Crowner's Quest law”—otherwise
- he is usually a very worthy man, and lays no specious claim to popularity.
- He is never ostentatious or self-assertive, and in spite of the position
- which he occupies, he is in private life as sound an exponent of domestic
- virtue as if he were an ordinary simple citizen. The eminence to which he
- has risen never makes him lose his head or forget that kind hearts are
- more than coronets, and only very little inferior to a Mayoral Chain of
- office. It was the proud but very proper boast of a Mayor of Mallingham
- that although he had been proprietor of a provision business in the very
- centre of the town for over forty years, and had worn the chain for two
- consecutive terms, he was still just as approachable as any man in the
- kingdom.
- </p>
- <p>
- Just as it was said in the Napoleonic days that every French soldier
- carried the <i>bâton</i> of a Field-Marshal in his knapsack, and as it is
- said in these days in the States that any citizen may one day become
- President—the contingency may account for the gloomy view so many
- American citizens take of life—so it is understood that any burgess
- of Mallingham may one day become Mayor. There is, however, no competition
- for the office, so unambitious are the majority of the burgesses; and now
- and again the Council find themselves face to face with the problem of how
- to induce any one to accept the chain of office.
- </p>
- <p>
- Considering all that its acceptance entails upon the wearer, it can easily
- be understood that there should be some reluctance to have anything to do
- with it within the ranks of the eligible. If it were an understood thing
- that the burgesses of the town must buy their bacon and butter from the
- Mayor during his term of office, the problem of the Mayoralty might become
- less acute—assuming that a bacon and butter candidate were
- available; but no suggestion of this sort has ever been made so far as I
- can gather, and thus the difficulty is increasing year by year with the
- using up of all the available material for Mayors in the rough.
- </p>
- <p>
- The fact is, that a great deal too much is expected from the Mayor. There
- is an inaugural banquet every year at which some two hundred burgesses,
- and several of the local gentry, and Members of Parliament, with a bishop,
- a rural dean, and an occasional chaplain to the forces, sit down on the
- invitation of the incoming Mayor.—He is expected to pay for
- everything, and as the feast is founded on the noblest traditions of civic
- catering, his bill cannot but be a heavy one. In no way is the menu
- inferior in interest to that to be found on the table of the Mansion House
- in the City of London. As a matter of fact, I believe that the turtle soup
- served at the Mallingham banquet is a trifle richer than that in the
- Mansion House, and the champagne is possibly a little sweeter. But the
- status of the large proportion of the guests at the one is widely
- different from that of the majority at the other. In Mallingham the
- tradesmen—gas-fitters, grocers, tobacconists, hair-cutters,
- newsagents, and the like—who are probably accustomed to a midday
- dinner of a cut from the joint, two vegetables, cheese, and a glass of
- ale, and want nothing better, work their way through a long and elaborate
- succession of dishes, between the <i>hors d'ouvres assortis</i> and the
- home-grown pineapple, drinking glass after glass of Ayala, <i>cuvée
- reservée</i>. Of course they may appreciate some of the simpler delicacies—<i>vol-au-vent</i>
- or the <i>faysans rotis</i>—but the most of the dishes are mysteries
- to them and, though very expensive, altogether obnoxious to the uneducated
- palate.
- </p>
- <p>
- To be sure, the banquet is artfully meant: it is supposed to be by way of
- so incapacitating the diners that they are forced to listen to the
- speeches that follow. Only by the adoption of such stringent measures
- would it be possible to get a hearing for those speeches, made in all
- solemnity by the gentlemen at the High Table. A loyal Mayor has been known
- to spend twenty minutes over the Royal Family, after the King and Queen
- had been honoured—he took a quarter of over Their Majesties; but
- then the evening was comparatively young, and “The Bishops and Clergy of
- the Established Church,” “The Clergy of other Denominations,” “The Member
- of Parliament for the Division,” “The Worshipful the Mayor,” “The
- Corporation of Mallingham,” “The Official Staff,” “The Town and Trade of
- Mallingham”—all these had to be proposed and replied to in due
- course, and the general opinion was that in making up the accounts, with
- the banquet on the credit side and the speeches on the debit, a large
- balance remained against the Mayor.
- </p>
- <p>
- And the inaugural banquet is merely the first of the series of
- entertainments which are supposed to come from the same source. Two or
- three balls, as many garden parties, and at least four large receptions,
- with refreshments, are looked for by the townspeople of all grades, for
- even the most exclusive of the leaders of the best set do not object to be
- entertained at the expense of the Mayor. They consider it their duty to
- attend the dances as well as the receptions; but there the transaction
- ends so far as they are concerned. They feel that they are honouring him
- by accepting his hospitality, and they do not consider that they are under
- the obligation to recognise him or his family if they meet in the public
- street, nor do they think it necessary to invite him or any member of his
- family to their houses. They really believe in their hearts that they lay
- the Mayor under an obligation to themselves by attending his receptions
- and his dances.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0028" id="link2H_4_0028"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- II.—THE FIRST FAMILIES
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>hat is the
- attitude of these good people whose names are quite unknown outside
- Mallingham. They are amusing through the entire lack on their part of a
- sense of comedy.
- </p>
- <p>
- I am inclined to think, however, that the attitude of a son of one of
- these First Families, in respect of an incident that came under my notice,
- might be more definitely described. He had been invited by a man who was
- in a far better social position than himself to have a day with the
- partridges in a shooting which he leased; the youth accepted, and on the
- morning of the day named appeared in a dog-cart, bringing with him a
- friend with another gun. They passed the man who had given the invitation,
- and who was walking to the first field and had still a mile or so to go
- before reaching it; but though there was a vacant seat in the dog-cart he
- was not asked to take it. They drove gaily on, and did not even wait for
- him to come up with his dogs to begin operations. One of them was walking
- up one side of the field and the other was walking up the parallel side.
- The lessee of the shooting, on arriving, found himself taking rather a
- back place, the fact being that he had no acquaintance with his friend's
- friend, and his friend apparently not thinking it necessary to introduce
- him. The shoot went on, however, and, save for a little grumbling at the
- working of the dogs, it was successful enough. On getting round to the
- dog-cart, after walking through the last field, the visitors collected the
- birds that they had shot and tucked them under the back seat, and mounting
- to the front called out a cheery “good-bye” to the man who had entertained
- them. They were about to drive off, but the breaking strain of the other's
- politeness had been passed.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I shouldn't mind a lift from you,” he suggested.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Sorry,” explained the one with the reins; “but you see how rough the lane
- is, and really the machine is too heavy as it is. Ta-ta.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “On minute,” said the pedestrian. “If it's too heavy I'll jolly soon
- remedy that,” and he took a step to the dog-cart and pulled out the birds.
- “Pity you didn't think of that before. Now it's lighter. Off you go, and
- the next time you are offered a day's shooting you just inquire, from some
- one who knows, how you should behave. You will in that way be prevented
- from appearing a complete bounder.”
- </p>
- <p>
- For some time afterwards there was a sort of coldness between that man and
- the First Family, whose representative had been prevented by him from
- adding three brace of partridges to their menu for the next week.
- </p>
- <p>
- For a plentiful lack of good manners the representatives of the “best set”
- in Mallingham could scarcely be surpassed in any community. The youth
- probably was quite sincere in his belief that he was conferring a
- conspicuous favour upon the man who had invited him to an afternoon among
- the partridges. How could it be expected that he should think differently
- when he had seen his mother and sisters feasting at the Mayoral ball one
- night, and cutting the Mayor the next day when they met him in the street?
- </p>
- <p>
- It was not a Mayoress of Mallingham, but of a much more important
- municipality—one, in fact, of so great importance as to have a Lord
- Mayor and a Lady Mayoress—who had the privilege of entertaining a
- certain elderly offshoot of the Royal Family upon the occasion of the
- laying of the foundation-stone of a new hospital in the town. This
- particular minor Royalty is well known (in certain circles) for her ample
- appreciation of the dignity of her exalted position, and, like all such
- ladies, she is gracious in proportion to such dust of the earth as
- Mayoresses and Presidents of Colleges and Chairmen of Hospital Boards; and
- she made herself so pleasant to the Lady Mayoress who was entertaining
- her, that the latter determined to keep up the acquaintance, so she made
- it a point to pay her a visit in her private capacity. She drove up the
- stately avenue to the mansion, and inquired if Her Royal Highness were at
- home, just as if Her Royal Highness had been the wife of the vicar. She
- was admitted—as far as a certain room—and after an interval of
- long waiting there entered, not Her Royal Highness, but a stranger, a
- member of the “Household” of the minor Royalty, and they had a chilly chat
- together.
- </p>
- <p>
- And the friendship so auspiciously begun at the opening of the municipal
- hospital made no advance beyond this interview, though it is understood
- that the lady of the Household was as polite as if she were Her Royal
- Highness herself.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0029" id="link2H_4_0029"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- III.—MISS LATIMER'S MARRIAGE LINES
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>here is nothing
- that the best set in Mallingham so resent as pretentiousness, or the
- semblance of pretentiousness, on the part of any one who does not belong
- to the best set. A few years ago a Mrs. Latimer, who lives in a delightful
- old house close to our village of Thurswell and is a widow, married one of
- her two pretty and accomplished daughters to a young man who was beginning
- to make a name for himself at the Bar. He had been at Uppingham and
- Oxford, and was altogether the sort of person by whose side the most
- fastidious young woman would not shrink from meeting her enemy in the
- Gate. The wedding was made an event of more than usual importance, for the
- girl and her mother were greatly liked, and on the mother's side were
- connections of actual county rank. The list of names in the county
- newspaper of the wedding guests and of the numerous presents was an
- imposing one: among the former was the widow of a Baronet, a County Court
- Judge, a Major-General (retired), and a Master of Hounds; and among the
- latter, a diamond and sapphire necklace (the gift of the bridegroom), a
- cheque (from the bride's uncle), a silver-mounted dressing-bag (from the
- bride's sister), and the usual silver-backed brushes, button-hooks,
- shoe-lifters, blotters, and nondescript articles. When the late Dr.
- Schliemann exhibited the result of his excavations at the supposed site of
- Troy, there were to be seen several articles to which no use could
- possibly be assigned. No one seemed to perceive that these must have been
- wedding presents.
- </p>
- <p>
- It was, however, generally allowed that the wedding had been a very pretty
- one, that the bride had looked her best, and that the bridegroom appeared
- a good fellow; and in addition to the column and a half devoted to the
- affair by a generous newspaper, there appeared the usual announcement:
- Weston—Latimer.—On the 2nd inst., at Thurswell Church, by the
- Rev. Theophilas Watson, B.A.Oxon, Vicar of Thurswell, late Incumbent of
- St. Michael and All Angels, Bardswell, and Rural Dean, assisted by the
- Rev. Anselm Sigurd Mott, M. A., late Fellow of King's College, London, and
- Senior Curate of St. James the Less, Brindlington, William Henry, eldest
- son of the late John Weston of King's Elms, Leicestershire, to Ida Evelyn,
- elder daughter of the late George Cruikshank Latimer, of Todderwell, and
- Susan Prescott Latimer, of Grange Lodge, Thurswell.
- </p>
- <p>
- This was the advertised notice in the <i>Telegraph</i>, as well as in the
- local paper, on the day after the wedding.
- </p>
- <p>
- Three or four days later, however, there appeared, in the corresponding
- column of the <i>Post</i>, an amended version of the same announcement—Weston—Latimer.—On
- the 2nd inst., at Thurswell Parish Church, William Henry Weston, eldest
- son of the late John Weston, Attorney's Clerk, King's Elms,
- Leicestershire, to Ida, daughter of the late George C. Latimer, Farmer,
- Todderwell.
- </p>
- <p>
- This piece of feline malevolence was easily traced to a lady with a highly
- marriageable daughter who had been posing for several years as one of the
- guardians of “exclusiveness” of Mallingham. An adroit lady had only to pay
- her a visit, ostensibly to call her attention to the delightful
- announcement—“the cleverest thing that had ever been done,” she
- called it—to invite a return of confidence, and, with sparkling
- eyes, the perpetrator accepted the credit of thinking out the scheme for
- the humiliation of her neighbour for her arrogance in making so much of
- the wedding.
- </p>
- <p>
- And the most melancholy part of the contemptible affair was that the
- greater number of the best set actually talked over it as a properly
- administered blow to the Latimers, and chuckled over it for many days.
- </p>
- <p>
- But the very next year Mrs. Latimer's other daughter got married to the
- heir to a baronetcy; the wedding took place in St. George's, Hanover
- Square, and the <i>Post</i> gave an account of it to the extent of half a
- column, and the <i>Mirror</i> gave photographs of the bride and
- bridegroom.
- </p>
- <p>
- It would scarcely be believed, except by some one acquainted with the best
- society at Mallingham, that upon this occasion the lady who had displayed
- her skill in snubbing the Latimers sent a two-guinea present to the bride.
- It was understood that the list of presents would appear in the <i>Post;</i>
- but when this list appeared the name of the donor of this special gift was
- absent from it: the two-guinea gift had been promptly returned by the
- mother of the bride.
- </p>
- <p>
- And here is another touch: the valuable cake basket was returned with a
- heavy dinge in one place, which the jeweller affirms was not there when he
- packed it in tissue paper and shavings in its box with the card bearing
- the inscription: “To dear Constance, with best wishes from————”
- That is why he refused to take it back.
- </p>
- <p>
- It was the son of this lady whose generosity was so spurned who, on
- leaving the rather second-class public school at which he received a sort
- of education, gravely said to another boy from Mallingham who had also
- just been finished—
- </p>
- <p>
- “I suppose I'll often see you at Mallingham, old chap, as we are both
- living there, and I'm sure that I should be very glad to have a chat with
- you now and then; but, of course, you won't expect me to acknowledge you
- if I am walking with my mother or sister.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Why not?” asked the other boy.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Oh, my dear fellow, can't you see that it would never do?” said the
- first. “You know that your people are not in our set. You can't expect
- that because we happen to have been three years in the same house, we are
- in the same social position at home. But, as you know, there's nothing of
- the snob about me, and any time that we meet in one of the side streets,
- and even at the unfashionable end of High Street, I'll certainly nod to
- you. But that's the farthest that I can be expected to go.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The other boy certainly expected him to go very much farther even than the
- unfashionable end of the High Street, and ventured to delimitate the
- boundaries of the place, and to say a word or two respecting its climate
- and the fitness of his companions and all his family for a permanent
- residence there. Being a biggish lad, and enjoying a reputation for being
- opposed to peace at any price, he could express his inmost feelings
- without being deterred by any inconvenient reprisals.
- </p>
- <p>
- The other did not even respond to his exuberance upon this occasion. He
- sulked in the corner of the railway carriage where the conversation took
- place, and he has been sulking ever since.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0030" id="link2H_4_0030"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- IV.—THE ENTERPRISE OF MALLINGHAM
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>t was a gentleman
- who travelled in the latest styles in soft goods who was heard to affirm
- that Mallingham was not a town: it was a dormitory.
- </p>
- <p>
- He doubtless spoke from the horizon line of soft goods, having in his eye
- certain of those firms who still do business in the concave side of
- ancient bay windows, and have not yet been lured on to fortnightly cheap
- sales behind a sheet of plate-glass. A commercial traveller takes some
- time to recover his selfrespect after importuning a possible client in the
- con-cavity of an eighteenth-century window of what was once a dainty
- parlour, but is now a dingy shop.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0007" id="linkimage-0007"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0139.jpg" alt="0139 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0139.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- But, as a matter of fact, there is a deep and pellucid well of enterprise
- in the centre of commercial circles in Mallingham, and it only wants an
- occasional stir to irrigate the dead levels of the town. For instance,
- there is published by a stationer in the High Street the <i>Mallingham
- Almanac</i>, an annual work which gives a large amount of interesting
- information valuable to many persons in an agricultural district, such as
- the list of fair days in all the villages in the county, the hours of the
- rising and setting of the sun (of undoubted interest to farmers), the
- changes of the moon (also very important to have noted down to the very
- second), the equation of time from day to day (without which we could
- hardly get on at all), the time of high water at London Bridge, and the
- variation of the compass (indispensable to agriculturists). A graver note
- is, however, sounded in the pages devoted to prophecy, after the style of
- the ever veracious Francis Moore, where readers, born when Mercury was in
- the Fourth House, are warned against eating uncooked horse-chestnuts on a
- Friday, and the general public are told that as, in a certain month, Mars
- and Neptune are in opposition—perhaps it should be apposition—news
- will be published regarding the German Emperor.
- </p>
- <p>
- Then there are pages given over wholly to poetry, like Ephraim and his
- idols.
- </p>
- <p>
- The spirit of enterprise which flutters—I am afraid that I referred
- to it in an earlier paragraph in a way that suggested water which really
- does not flutter,—as a moth round a flame, round a good advertising
- medium in Mallingham, is shown by the pages of business cards scattered
- throughout the sheets of this almanac.
- </p>
- <p>
- In his Address to his Subscribers which prefaces the last issue, the
- publisher, who is also the editor, recognises in a handsome way the
- support which he has received from his numerous advertisers and expresses
- the earnest hope that they may all, individually and collectively, find
- that their business will rapidly increase as a reward for their
- enterprise.
- </p>
- <p>
- On the opposite page may be read the business cards of three undertakers.
- </p>
- <p>
- Mallingham is certainly not a dormitory so far as the possibilities of
- trade are concerned. It may safely be said that every business house will
- undertake undertaking in all its branches and the removal of furniture. No
- matter how small may be the apparent connection between the business
- professed on the shop sign and the undertaking industry or the removal
- industry, you will find on inquiry the utmost willingness expressed to
- meet your wishes in either direction.
- </p>
- <p>
- The qualification of a dealer in antiques to carry out such a contract is
- not immediately apparent, but it is certainly more apparent than that of
- an auctioneer; at least, if you need to be buried, it is not to an
- auctioneer you will go in the first instance. To be sure, if you read <i>Othello</i>
- carefully you will find that there is quite an intimate connection between
- “removals” and undertaking; but, as a rule, for business purposes each of
- the two trades is regarded as distinct from the other.
- </p>
- <p>
- But in Mallingham you not only find them amalgamated, but both are run
- (decorously) in association with hardware, upholstery, blind-making,
- carpetbeating, life and fire assurance (not at all so extraordinary this
- last named), crockery, and soft goods. It is rumoured that the largest
- business in the “lines” referred to is in the hands of a rag and bone
- merchant and a dyer.
- </p>
- <p>
- It is pleasant to be able to record that no one has yet been known to
- accept the suggestion of the pun in regard to the aptitude of the dyer in
- such a connection, and it is certain that Shakespeare himself would not
- have been able to resist the temptation. But Shakespeare has said many
- things that no one in Mallingham would care to invent or even to repeat.
- </p>
- <p>
- One of the most notable instances of the professional enterprise of
- Mallingham was told to me by its victim. He was a clergyman, and the
- curate of one of the parishes. Now there are curates who are as fully
- qualified to discharge the duties of their calling as is a Rector, or even
- a Rural Dean: some of those whom we find in the country have “walked the
- hospitals,” so to speak, having been for years labouring in the slums of a
- large town; but some are what might be termed only “first aid” men, and it
- was a “first aid” curate who, on taking up his duties in Mallingham, set
- about a zealous house-to-house visitation, being determined to become
- personally acquainted with every member of his flock.
- </p>
- <p>
- He had already made some headway in the course he had mapped out for
- himself, and was becoming greatly liked for his sociability before he had
- reached the letter R in his visiting list, at the head of which was the
- name of Mr. Walter Ritchie, the dentist, a gentleman who, in addition to
- enjoying an excellent practice as a destructive rather than a constructive
- artist, was a good Churchman. It was between the hours of twelve and one
- that the zealous curate found it convenient to call upon him, and he was
- promptly shown into the waiting-room, where there was an elderly lady with
- a slightly swollen face studying the pages of a very soiled <i>Graphic</i>
- of three weeks old. Of her company he was, however, bereft within the
- space of a few minutes, and the <i>Graphic</i> was available for his
- entertainment for the next quarter of an hour. Then the maid returned and
- said that Mr. Ritchie would see him now, and he followed her across the
- passage and was shown into the usual operating room of the second-class
- practitioner of the country town.
- </p>
- <p>
- Mr. Ritchie greeted him warmly and so volubly as saved the clergyman the
- need for introducing any of the professional inanities which are supposed
- to smooth the way to an honourable <i>rapprochement</i> be-ween a pastor
- and an unknown member of his pastorate. The parson had not really a word
- to say when Mr. Ritchie got upon the topic of teeth, and warned his
- visitor that he must be very careful in his use of the Mallingham water
- until he should get accustomed to it. It had an injurious effect upon the
- natural enamel of the teeth of the lower jaw, he said.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I will explain to you what I mean, if you will kindly sit here,” he
- added, pointing to the iron-framed chair, the shape of which expresses the
- most excruciating comfort to a dentist's clientele. The curate, wishing to
- be all things to all men, though he had no intention of being a dentist's
- “example,” smiled and seated himself. In an instant Mr. Ritchie had him in
- his power; bending over him, he gently scraped away some of the “enamel”
- from one of his front teeth and, exhibiting a speck on the end of the
- steel scraper, explained the chemical changes which an unguarded use of
- the chalky water of the town supply would have upon that substance, though
- it made no difference to the secretions of the glands of the upper jaw.
- </p>
- <p>
- This was very interesting and civil, if somewhat “shoppy,” of Mr. Ritchie,
- the clergyman thought, and once more opened his mouth to allow of the
- dentist's obtaining a sample of the alkaline deposit to which he had
- alluded. But the moment his jaws were apart Mr. Ritchie made a sound as of
- a sudden indrawing of his breath.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Ha, what have we here?” he cried. “Nasty, nasty! but not too far gone—no,
- I sincerely hope, not too far gone. One moment.” He had inserted a little
- shield-shaped mirror in the curate's mouth and was pressing it gently
- against an upper tooth. “Ah yes, as I thought—a little stuffing will
- save it. Nerve exposed. You are quite right to come to me at once. A
- stitch in time, you know. It will hardly require any drilling—only
- at the rough edges.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The clergyman was not the man to protest against Mr. Ritchie's civilities.
- He admitted that the tooth had given him some trouble the previous year,
- but he had not thought it worth consulting a dentist about.
- </p>
- <p>
- “That's the mistake that people make,” said Mr. Ritchie mournfully. “They
- usually associate a visit to their dentist with some atrocity—some
- moments of agony—that was the result of the old tradition, dating
- back to John Leech's days. Of course, in those dark ages dentists did not
- exist, whereas now—— I think I would do well to do a little
- crown work between the tooth I am stopping and the next: the gap between
- the two is certain to work mischief before many months are over, and the
- back of the nearest molar has become so worn through the pressure of that
- overgrown one below it that, if not checked in time, it will break off
- with you some fine day. I'm glad that you came to me to-day. I will make a
- new man of you.”
- </p>
- <p>
- He had the little ingenious emery drill working away before the clergyman
- remembered that he had not come to pay a professional visit to the dentist—that
- is to say, he had meant that his visit should be a professional one so far
- as his own profession went, but not that it should be a professional one
- so far as the profession of the other man went. But it seemed to him that
- the dentist was fast approaching the moment when he, the dentist, would
- not be amenable to the <i>convenances</i> of the parochial visit, but
- would become completely absorbed in the <i>nuances</i> of dental science
- which every revolution of the emery drill seemed to be revealing. He could
- say nothing. He was in an unaccustomed posture for speech. He was lying in
- the steely embrace of that highly nickelised chair, with his face looking
- up to the ceiling—exactly the reverse of the attitude in which he
- felt so fluent every Sunday evening. With his head bending over the top of
- his pulpit, he felt that he was equal to explaining everything in heaven
- above or the earth beneath; but sprawling back, with his eyes on the
- ceiling, and a thing whizzing like a cockchafer in his mouth, he was
- incapable of protest, even when he had recovered himself sufficiently to
- feel that a protest might be judicious, if not actually effective.
- </p>
- <p>
- He submitted.
- </p>
- <p>
- For the next four weeks he was, off and on, in the hands of Mr. Ritchie.
- It seemed as he went on that he had not a really sound tooth in his head,
- though he told me, almost tearfully, that previously he had always prided
- himself on his excellent teeth.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I think Mr. Ritchie went too far in the end,” he added, recapitulating
- the main incidents of his indictment of the dentist. “I dare say a couple
- of my molars were showing signs of wear and tear, and so were all the
- better for being filled in properly; and it is quite likely that the gulf
- between the other two was the better for being bridged over—possibly
- a flake or two needed to be ground away from one of the grinders at the
- back—but I am sure that the time occupied in correcting some of the
- other irregularities which he perceived, but which had never caused me a
- moment's inconvenience, might have been better spent. I often thought so;
- but I said nothing until he calmly advised me to have six of my upper jaw
- painlessly extracted, apparently for no other reason than to show me how
- the new system of injecting cocaine, or something, worked, and that he
- could do what he called 'crown work' with the best dentists at
- Brindlington—then I thought it time to speak out, and I did speak
- out.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “And what did you say to him?” I inquired, for I longed to be put in touch
- with the phraseology of a “first aid” parson when speaking out.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I didn't spare him: I told him just what I thought of him.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “And what did that amount to? Nothing grossly offensive, I hope.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I wasn't careful of my words; I did not weigh them. If they sounded
- offensive to him I cannot help it.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “What did you say to him, as nearly as you can recollect? I'm rather a
- connoisseur of language and I may be able to relieve your mind, if you
- have any uneasiness on the subject of the man's feelings when you had done
- with him. What did you say to him?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I told him plainly that I thought he had gone too far; and now, looking
- at the whole transaction from a purely impersonal standpoint, I am not
- disposed to withdraw a single word of what I said. He did go too far—I
- honestly believe it. You will understand that it is not easy for one to
- take up an attitude of complete detachment in considering a matter such as
- this in all its bearings; but I think that I have disciplined myself
- sufficiently to be able to consider it in an unprejudiced spirit, and
- really I do believe that he went too far.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “If he did, you certainly did not,” said I. “Has he sent you in his bill?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “It is not his bill that matters—it only comes to £5, 11s. 6d. What
- I objected to was his implication that I had not a sound tooth in my head—I
- that have been accustomed during the past five years to crack nuts—not
- mere filberts, mind, but the sort that come from Brazil—at all the
- school feasts without the need for crackers! Just think of it! Oh yes, he
- certainly went too far.”
- </p>
- <p>
- I agreed with him; I had no idea that there was so much enterprise in all
- Mallingham.
- </p>
- <p>
- The general idea that prevails in regard to Mallingham is that it has
- remained stagnant—except for its aspirations after plate-glass—during
- the past four or five hundred years of its existence. A dog of some sort
- lies asleep at midday under almost every shop window, and cats of all
- sorts may be seen crossing the High Street at almost any hour. That is how
- it comes that the town seems so charming to visitors, and to those of its
- inhabitants who are not engaged in business.
- </p>
- <p>
- This being so, I was disposed to laugh at the sly humour of a man and his
- wife—they were Russian nobles who motored across from Brindlington
- to lunch with us at Thurswell—who said they had enjoyed the drive
- exceedingly, until they had come to Mallingham. “A horrid, rowdy place,
- like the East End of London on Saturday night,” were the exact words those
- visitors employed, and I had actually begun to laugh at their ironical
- humour when I saw that they were meant to be in earnest. For some time I
- was in a state of perplexity; but then the truth suddenly flashed upon me:
- it was the day of the Mallingham Races—one of the three days of the
- year when the dogs are not allowed to sleep in the streets and when the
- cats remain indoors, when the High Street is for a full hour after the
- arrival of the train crowded with all that it disgorges, and when there is
- a stream of vehicles carrying to the picturesque racecourse on the Downs
- the usual supporters of the turf, with redfaced bookmakers and their
- “pitches,” as objectionable a crew as may be encountered in the streets of
- any country town at any season.
- </p>
- <p>
- It was clear that my friends had reached the High Street of Mallingham a
- few minutes after the arrival of the train, and not being aware of the
- exceptional circumstances which had galvanised the place into life for a
- brief twenty minutes, they had assumed that this was the normal aspect of
- the town! I did my best to remove from Mallingham the reproach of being
- the great centre of bustling life that it had seemed to these strangers;
- but I could see that I did not altogether succeed in convincing them that,
- except for four days out of the year, nothing happens in Mallingham—three
- days of races and one night of loyal revelry—for even the holding of
- the Assizes three times a year does not cause the town to awake from its
- immemorial repose. The trumpets sound as the judge drives up to the County
- Hall with a mounted escort, and the shopkeepers come to their doors and
- glance down the street; the sleeping dogs jump up and begin to bark in a
- half-hearted way, but settle themselves comfortably down again before the
- last note of the fanfare has passed away, and, except for an occasional
- glimpse of a man in a wig crossing the street to the hotel, the Assize
- week passes much the same as any other week of the uneventful year. Three
- hundred years have passed since anything happened in Mallingham, and then
- it was nothing worth talking about. One must go back seven hundred years
- to find the town the centre of an historical incident of importance.
- </p>
- <p>
- But the rumour is that Messrs. Williamson & Rubble, drapers and
- outfitters, are about to have a new plate-glass front made for both their
- shops, with convex corners and roll-up shutters; so Mallingham marches
- onward from century to century—slowly.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER EIGHT—THE PUSHING PROVINCIAL TOWN
- </h2>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0032" id="link2H_4_0032"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- I.—THE MODERN METHODS
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE MILD AND
- BASHFUL ENTERPRISE of Mallingham is made to look ridiculous when
- contrasted with the unblushing business energy of Burford, that bustling
- town of twenty thousand inhabitants at the farther end of Nethershire.
- Burford lends itself as an awful example of what can be accomplished by
- that dynamic element known as “push.” It was born picturesque, but has
- since become prosperous. Its Corporation has long ago done away with all
- those features of interest to antiquarians which are ineradicable in
- Mallington, however earnestly the ambitious Council of the latter may
- labour for their annihilation; so although strangers knowing something of
- the early history of Burford, come to it expecting to find it the “dear
- old quaint place” of the girl with the camera, they bicycle away before
- accepting the hospitality offered by the bill of fare displayed in the
- broad windows of the double-fronted modern restaurant lately set up by
- Messrs. Caterham & Co., of London, where the old conduit house,
- mentioned in the guide-books, stood for centuries, in the High Street. The
- Corporation are, it is rumoured, meditating the advisability of altering
- the name of the High Street into the King's Parade. The sooner they make a
- move in this direction the better it will be for all concerned; for
- undoubtedly, as the Mayor recently pointed out, the town has passed out of
- the category of towns with a High Street, and may claim to be admitted
- into the select circle of those with their Royal Avenues and Princes'
- Promenades.
- </p>
- <p>
- So why not make a bold step forward with King's Parade?
- </p>
- <p>
- Why not indeed?
- </p>
- <p>
- The invasion of Burford by Messrs. Caterham, with their score of little
- marble tables and a choice of four dishes for luncheon, was equivalent to
- putting the seal of modernity upon the old High Street; but its claim to
- compete in its extent of plate-glass frontage with the most advanced
- centres of business enterprise, was long ago proved by the establishment
- of Messrs. Shenstone's fine “drapery emporium” (vide advertisements) on
- the site of the old Castlegate Inn. It is said that even in the difficult
- matter of supplying sables to suit all classes of customers this house can
- hold its own with any in the trade.
- </p>
- <p>
- A customer enters with an inquiry for a set of sables.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Forward furs,” the shopwalker commands—he actually is a full
- corporal in the Territorials—and the lady finds herself confronted
- at the counter by a young man with a Bond Street frock-coat and a Regent
- Street smile, who says—
- </p>
- <p>
- “Sables, madam? Certainly.”
- </p>
- <p>
- He leaves her for a few moments and returns with an armful of furs, which
- he displays, laying each piece over his arm and smoothing it down as if it
- were—well, a sort of cat.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Price, madam?” He refers to a ticket. “Two hundred guineas, madam—all
- Russian. Something not quite so expensive? Certainly, madam.” Once again
- he goes away and returns with another armful. “These are quite superior
- furs, madam. Real sable? Certainly, madam, real Musquash sable. Sixty-five
- pounds. Something cheaper, madam? Certainly. I have a very nice line of
- inexpensive sables that I think you will like.” He beckons to a young lady
- farther up the counter, and she brings him a bundle of tawny skins, which
- he displays as before. “A very nice line, madam—very chaste and
- showy. Real sable? Oh, certainly—real electric sable, every piece.
- Price, madam? Nine guineas, including muff. Something cheaper still?
- Certainly, madam.” He climbs up a small and handy ladder and lifts down a
- large pasteboard box full of furs. “These, madam—very tasteful—large
- amount of wear—sell a great number of these. Real sable? Certainly,
- madam, real rabbit sable, thirty-nine and eleven. Something rather less?
- Certainly, madam.” He pulls down another box, takes off the lid, and
- exposes skins. “Nice lot these, madam, very highly thought of—largely
- worn in London this season. Real sable, madam? Certainly, madam—real
- ox-tail sable, ten and six the set. Shall we send them? Thank you. What
- name, please? Johnston—with the t? Thank you. And the next article,
- madam? Oh yes, this afternoon for certain.”
- </p>
- <p>
- That is the sort of business house you find in the High Street, Burford,
- in these days; so that there can hardly be a doubt that it is time the
- thoroughfare changed its name to King's Parade. If people want genuine
- ox-tail sables they will go to a King's Parade for it much more readily
- than they would to a High Street. But there is a deeper depth in sables
- that a customer can only reach in a Royal Avenue; this is the genuine
- charwoman's sable at three and eleven, muff included. Messrs. Shenstone
- & Co. are, however, select and conscientious; they will not sell you
- as the real article anything that will not bear the closest scrutiny, and
- their ox-tail sable marks the limit to which they will go. It may be
- foolish in these go-ahead days to have any scruples, but Messrs. Shenstone
- are ready to submit to any reproach rather than to give a customer,
- however humble, a misleading description of any article.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0033" id="link2H_4_0033"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- II.—LIBRARIANS WHILE YOU WAIT
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>s a matter of
- course, Burford has a Public Library of its own. The Corporation had a
- chance of acquiring a library that had been in existence for some years:
- it had been built as a memorial to her husband by a wealthy lady in the
- neighbourhood, and it contained several thousand volumes of the
- “improving” sort which were so much in favour with fathers and mothers and
- uncles and aunts—in fact, with all manner of people except readers—fifty
- or sixty years ago. For purposes of a public library such a collection is
- absurd, and should have been consigned to one of the Corporation's rubbish
- carts without delay, together with its Encyclopaedias dated 1812. The
- books were, however, allowed to encumber the shelves, and there they
- remain unto this day, to assist in the culture of much that would interest
- an earnest bacteriologist. To the majority of the members of the
- Corporation, however, “a book's a book although there's nothing in it,”
- and their “library” is packed with books and bacteria, both happily
- undisturbed for years.
- </p>
- <p>
- Some time ago a charwoman with a husband was required to sweep the floors
- and put the daily papers in their proper frames, and so the Corporation
- advertised for a “librarian” and his wife, mentioning the “salary” at
- fifty pounds a year. But they did not add, as they might have done, “no
- knowledge of books required,” and the consequence was that at the annual
- meeting of the Library Association the distinguished President referred to
- the advertisement with disparaging comments in respect of the “salary”
- offered to the “librarian.” It was not likely that such a reflection upon
- the liberality of the Corporation of Burford would be allowed to go to the
- world with impunity, so a member who considered himself responsible for
- the advertisement and the fixing of the renumeration wrote to the papers,
- pointing out that caretaker's rooms were granted to the “librarian” in
- addition to his “salary,” so that the Corporation were really munificent
- in their offer; but whether they were so or not, they could get plenty of
- people to discharge the duties of “librarian” on the conditions set down.
- </p>
- <p>
- He was quite right. The applicants for the coveted post were numerous.
- They represented all the out-of-work men in the neighbourhood. Porters,
- jobbing gardeners, discharged soldiers with the rank of private, and the
- usual casuals applied, and the most eligible of these seemed to be an
- ex-soldier: “We should do all we can for old army men,” said one of the
- Committee very properly, and so the old soldier stood at attention,
- saluted, and became a “librarian.” The ability of the Corporation of
- Burford must be admired: they can make any man a librarian in five
- minutes; though the general opinion that prevails on the subject is that
- long years of careful training are needed to qualify even a man of good
- education for the post of librarian!
- </p>
- <p>
- That is where the management of a matter that makes no appeal to the
- illiterate becomes a farce in the hands of such a body. What they wanted
- was a charwoman with a husband, not a librarian with a wife; but with
- traditional pomposity they must needs advertise for a “librarian” with a
- “salary.” So far as I can gather, the caretaker can sweep out a library
- with any man; but if you ask for any particular book—well, he does
- his best. But a man may be an adept with brooms and yet a tyro with books.
- He is another of the things that are not what they seem at Burford.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0008" id="linkimage-0008"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0157.jpg" alt="0157 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0157.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0034" id="link2H_4_0034"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- III.—ARCHÆOLOGICAL ENTERPRISE
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>here is quite a
- good Museum at Burford. It was formed, I believe, in the pre-Corporation
- days, and so it is under intelligent control. Local antiquities are
- represented with some attempt at completeness and classification, and its
- educational value would be very great if the people of the neighbourhood
- could be induced to give to it some of the time that they devote to
- football. A few years ago, however, an irresistible appeal was made to the
- culture of the town by the acquisition for the collections of a human hand
- from the Solomon Islands. As soon as it was understood that this treasure
- had just been added to those in the Museum there was a rush to see it, and
- thousands of persons paid their sixpences for a glance at it, and in the
- course of a day or two after its arrival it had become the topic of the
- place. If you had not seen it you were regarded as a complete outsider. It
- was considered a great hardship that visitors were not allowed to touch
- this exhibit; for, after all, a look at such an object is unsatisfactory—quite
- different from a hearty handshake. To shake such a hand would be
- satisfying, it was generally thought, and I have much pleasure in
- associating myself with such an expression of opinion. A little of it
- would satisfy any but the most grasping nature.
- </p>
- <p>
- It was in this Museum that there reposed for years in one of its glass
- cases an interesting exhibit labelled “Fragment of ancient pottery,
- probably Saxon, effects of lead glazing still visible.”
- </p>
- <p>
- It was thought to be part of a pitcher, and some ingenious and imaginative
- antiquary had made an excellent drawing of the original vessel, showing
- the bulge in the body from which the piece had been broken. Many papers
- had been written about the fragment, some authorities contending that it
- was not of Saxon but Roman origin, and others that, as it had been found
- on a part of the coast which had at one time been covered by the sea, it
- was almost certain to be of Scandinavian origin: it had been on board one
- of the Norse pirate galleys that had harried the whole of the South Coast,
- and marks were pointed out along the edge which were said to be the traces
- of a rude decoration of Scandinavian design.
- </p>
- <p>
- For years the controversy was carried on with a large display of learning
- on all sides, until one day a geologist of distinction visited the Museum,
- and announced that the specimen of pottery was a section of a human skull.
- A little examination and a comparison of the specimen with an ordinary
- human skull showed beyond the possibility of doubt that this view was the
- correct one, and the label was changed without delay. But when it became
- known that the Museum was in possession of part of a human skull, it was
- visited by hundreds of people all anxious to get a glimpse of so
- interesting an object, and if possible—but this was rather too much
- to hope for—to hold it in their hands; and for weeks the contents of
- other cases lay unnoticed. The broken skull was the real attraction.
- </p>
- <p>
- It was an amazingly thick skull: if it had not been so thick it would
- probably not have led its original owner to forfeit it, but would have
- suggested to him a way of escape from those unfriendly persons who had
- deprived him of its use. But the owner would certainly have made a good
- show at an old election fight, or have reached a green old age in
- Tipperary.
- </p>
- <p>
- I once saw on a shelf in the Museum a piece of old ironwork in the form of
- a rushlight holder. So it was labelled, and the date 1609 assigned to it.
- It was stated on the label that it was probably the work of a well-known
- ironworker of the neighbourhood in which it had been found. I ventured,
- however, to differ from this last suggestion, the fact being that this
- particular example of seventeenth-century ironwork was not made during
- that century or by that craftsman, but by a more crafty person during the
- latter years of the reign of Edward the Seventh. My reason for coming to
- this conclusion was not the result of the possession on my part of any
- special acquaintance with wrought-iron or the methods of the old workers,
- but simply because I had been present when the thing was in course of
- being forged—in both senses <i>forged.</i> The craftsman had been
- called away from his job suddenly, and when I entered his unostentatious
- forge there the thing was lying as he had left it, in an unfinished
- condition. Some days later I saw it among a heap of scrap iron of various
- sorts in his yard, and it rather took my fancy. I pulled it forth and
- asked the man if he had any idea what it was. He replied that, so far as
- he could remember, an antiquarian gentleman had told him that it was for
- holding a rushlight. I looked at it closely and said that I did not think
- it was old, and he replied that he didn't believe it to be very old
- either; but it wasn't a handsome thing anyway.
- </p>
- <p>
- I threw it down and began to talk about other matters, and the next I saw
- of it was in the Museum above its neatly lettered label.
- </p>
- <p>
- I told the craftsman where I had seen it, and he smiled.
- </p>
- <p>
- “It seems that there are people who know more about these ancient old
- things than us, sir,” he said. “A man that has a great fancy for his own
- opinion came round here shortly after you were here, and I could see that
- he had his eye on that thing, though it was lying among the scraps; and
- when he had talked long enough to put me off thinking that it had caught
- his eye, he picked it up and asked me what I would take for it. I told him
- half a sovereign, and he beat me down to three half-crowns. Then he sold
- it to Anson in the Corn-market for a pound, and Anson took it to the
- Museum and got thirty-five shillings for it. That's the whole story. The
- others got a good bit more out of it than me.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “That was a shame,” said I; “considering that you made it, you should have
- had the largest share of the profit.”
- </p>
- <p>
- He smiled and said—
- </p>
- <p>
- “I don't complain. What would be the use?”
- </p>
- <p>
- In the same neighbourhood there is another excellent workman. He has
- always in the backyard of his house quite a number of antique Sussex
- firebacks maturing. He lays down firebacks as wise people lay down wine to
- mature. They look absurdly clean and fresh when they come from the place
- where he casts them, but time and the oxide of iron soon remedy all those
- defects, and when they have been lying rusting for a month or two the
- aspect of the design is changed. A rough scrubbing—not too much, but
- just enough—and an exposure in a brisk fire to produce the marks of
- long years of duty in the sturdy old yeoman's grate, with the crane
- swinging over it, and another specimen of the Sussex fireback is ready for
- the market. The market is always ready. It will take the sturdy old
- yeoman's crane, with its hooks and its levers, as well as his fireback,
- and so the industry of the craftsman and the craft of the dealer man are
- stimulated.
- </p>
- <p>
- There is still a brisk trade done in the manufacture of ancient flint
- weapons—hatchets, spear barbs, arrow-heads, and the like—in
- our county, though I have heard that there has been a melancholy falling
- off in the volume of business done in this particular line during the past
- twenty years. It is never well to be too certain about the treasures one
- acquires nowadays, either in iron or flaky flint, but I have heard that
- long ago a collector had quite as great reason to be cautious. A large
- number of interesting flint weapons were with reasonable luck to be
- dredged out of the sand and mud of some rivers. It was only reasonable to
- suppose that these things had some thousands of years ago been in active
- use in battles fought at the ford, and that they had remained undisturbed
- for centuries in the bed of the river. I heard of an eminent archaeologist
- having acquired quite a number of these implements bearing unmistakable
- signs of antiquity. They had been dredged out of the Thames from time to
- time, he heard. Unfortunately he mentioned this fact to a dealer who had
- also heard of these dredgings, and offered to lend him the collection for
- examination. The first experiment upon them was the last. They had only to
- be boiled in a strong solution of soda to have their true character—their
- false character—revealed. When taken out of the kettle the things
- were as fresh as if made the day before. They had not been made the day
- before, but they had certainly been made within the year. They were
- nothing more than flaky fakes.
- </p>
- <p>
- After all, it is safer for a tradesman to use his own imagination in the
- preparation of his wares than to ask his customers to use theirs. For
- instance a dealer in curious things, in Burford, seeing some funny wooden
- dolls in a shop window, bought the whole five and then used up some scraps
- of old brocade and remnants of Genoa velvet in dressing them in costumes
- to be found in the recognised authority. He exposed them for sale sitting
- in a row, and very amazing they must have appeared.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Quaint things, are they not? Mediaeval puppets. I don't know that I ever
- saw the like before. Of course you see what they are meant to represent?
- Why, the Five Senses, to be sure. Fifteen guineas for the five. If I don't
- sell them at once I'll send them to the Victoria and Albert Museum.
- They'll jump at them.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I shouldn't mind buying one of them,” said the customer; “but I could not
- do with the whole five.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Sorry, sir; but you could scarcely ask me to break the set—I don't
- believe there is another set in existence,” said the dealer.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I think you might let me have one. I have bought a lot of things from you
- from time to time.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I should like to, sir—yes, I should indeed like you to have one,
- but—you see the whole beauty of the set is that it is a set—the
- Five Senses.”
- </p>
- <p>
- Some further conversation ensued, and at last the dealer showed himself to
- be less inflexible than he had been at first, and the customer secured one
- of the mediaeval curiosities for four pounds.
- </p>
- <p>
- A few days later another customer called and duly inspected the four
- remaining dolls.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Very curious, sir—very unique, I think. Of course you see the idea,
- sir—the Four Seasons. Fifteenth-century Venetian, I should say. You
- can see the bit of brocade—old Venetian beyond a question. I wish I
- had half a dozen yards of it. Twenty guineas I'm asking for the set. I'm
- afraid I couldn't break the set. It's hardly fair to ask me, sir.”
- </p>
- <p>
- But eventually he yielded to the importunity of the customer and got five
- guineas for a second of his creations.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Singular things, sir—Early Italian Church puppets beyond doubt.
- They used to dress them fantastically and stand them on the altar, I
- believe. You observe the symbolic character of the set, sir—the
- Trinity. Votive offerings and that, you know. Even in the present day you
- see such things at wayside shrines in Catholic countries. I'm afraid it
- would spoil the set to sell one out of the three, sir. You had better take
- the three now that you have the chance. Very unique, I call them, and only
- eighteen pounds for the three.”
- </p>
- <p>
- But the man had no use for the three, and after some haggling he got the
- one he wanted for £5, 10s.
- </p>
- <p>
- “And then there were two,” as the story of the ten little nigger boys has
- it.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Church pieces, madam. Fourteenth-century Spanish—the embroidery is
- Spanish, I am sure. I wish I had a yard of it. Adam and Eve they are meant
- to represent,” etc. etc.
- </p>
- <p>
- It seemed as if no one could do with more than one of these “very unique”
- treasures; so he was forced to let the lady separate our first parents,
- paying five pounds for making the divorce decree absolute.
- </p>
- <p>
- Before the end of the week he had sold a unique example of a Flemish doll—“One
- may see the like in some of Teniers' pictures. They treasure them up from
- generation to generation in the houses of the old nobility. It is very
- rarely that one gets into the market. You see they regard it as a matter
- of family honour never to sell one of them.”
- </p>
- <p>
- He sold it for six pounds, and took his wife to a theatre where, curiously
- enough, the diverting play of <i>La Poupée</i> was being performed. It is
- a diverting play, but not, I think, “absolutely unique.”
- </p>
- <p>
- It will be gathered from these instances of local business enterprise how
- amply the modern spirit of making the most of one's opportunities of
- “getting on” is represented among the commercial population of Burford.
- Its manufacturers may be divided into two classes: the makers and the
- fakers, and it is generally understood that the latter make the most
- money.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER NINE—RED-TILED SOCIETY
- </h2>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0036" id="link2H_4_0036"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- I.—THE ILLUSTRIOUS STRANGER
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>LL THINGS ARE NOT
- WHAT THEY SEEM at Burford, as I have ventured to suggest. But the majority
- of the inhabitants think that they are. Probably at one time they were;
- but with the development of the spirit of modern enterprise in the town a
- new complexion has been put upon various features associated with the
- daily life of the place, so that one needs to go beneath the surface of
- things in general in order to find out what they really are.
- </p>
- <p>
- It was literally the new complexion put upon a very ordinary commercial
- undertaking that caused some of the most self-respecting of the
- inhabitants to forget themselves upon one occasion a year or two ago. To
- be sure, they had done nothing that should have caused even the most
- susceptible a qualm; but they thought they had, and this impression was
- strengthened by the attitude of a good many of their friends, so that the
- result was just as unpleasant to them as if they had been guilty of some
- gross piece of foolishness.
- </p>
- <p>
- The circumstances of this new complexion must be dealt with in detail in
- order to be fully appreciated by people outside Burford.
- </p>
- <p>
- When an announcement appeared in the local newspapers that the town would
- shortly be visited by a distinguished Hindu, the Cachar of Darjeeling, a
- considerable amount of excitement was caused in the best circles of
- Burford Society—the best circles, it is scarcely necessary to say,
- are those that have their centre somewhere in the new quarter, the bright
- red-brick villa quarter of the town—and every one was inquiring what
- Mrs. Paston would do in the matter. Mrs. Paston had obtained in many
- quarters an ample recognition of her authority as <i>arbiter elegantarium</i>,
- and her lead in social matters was regarded as inevitable even by those
- who could not conscientiously accept her dicta as the last word on every
- point.
- </p>
- <p>
- What will Mrs. Paston do when the Cachar of Darjeeling comes to Burford?
- That was the question which people asked of one another over cups of tea
- with occasional muffins; and the result of many conferences under these or
- similar conditions was a resolution that a deputation of ladies appointed
- themselves to wait on her, one at a time, to learn what she really meant
- to do.
- </p>
- <p>
- But it seemed that Mrs. Paston had not quite made up her mind on the
- matter. The Cachar of Darjeeling is, of course, a prince—quite as
- much a prince as the others one hears about—begums, sowdars, rajahs,
- jams, ranees, gaekwars, khansamahs—all referred to by Mr. Kipling;
- and, of course, being a prince, he was, <i>ex officio</i>, eligible to be
- received even by the best people in Burford. To be sure, she had heard it
- said that—that—but for that matter there was as much
- wickedness at home, if people only took the trouble to look for it; and
- there was no need for people with daughters to put them forward in the
- presence of distinguished strangers, whether Indian princes or Austrian
- counts.
- </p>
- <p>
- That was how Mrs. Paston took the various deputations of one into her
- confidence when they endeavoured to find out what she meant to do in
- regard to the coming visit of the distinguished Oriental, and they
- interpreted her mystic phrases as meaning that she meant to keep the
- Prince to herself. Within a few days the Cachar had come to be alluded to
- as “the Prince.” In the English provinces practically every man of colour
- is accepted as a prince—it is a courtesy title, pretty much the same
- as the title of Madame which goes with a bonnet shop in the West End. Even
- the dusky person who accompanies the clergyman to the platform when a
- lecture is about to be given upon missionary work in the East, is referred
- to as “the Prince” that being the sanctioned English equivalent to his
- native title, which conveys nothing to the general public.
- </p>
- <p>
- Yes, it seemed pretty clear that Mrs. Paston intended to keep the
- distinguished visitor to herself—that was why she made herself
- ambiguous when approached on the subject of his reception.
- </p>
- <p>
- But there were other authorities besides Mrs. Pas-ton, and one of them was
- Mrs. Maxwell. She was the wife of a retired Indian Civil Servant, and the
- <i>quasi</i> Reception Committee showed some eagerness to learn what her
- attitude would be in regard to the coming Cachar of Darjeeling.
- </p>
- <p>
- But Mrs. Maxwell said that her husband thought there had as usual been
- some misprint or mixing up of words in the paper, for he had never heard
- of the Cachar of Darjeeling; though there was a place named Cachar, and it
- was in Darjeeling, and very likely there was a prince or whatever they
- chose to call him in the neighbourhood.
- </p>
- <p>
- This was not getting much farther on in the solution of the question that
- agitated the red-tiled group of Burford Society. It was pointed out by one
- sagacious lady that the fact of there being a place named Cachar in
- Darjeeling did not make it impossible that there should be a title of
- Cachar. They had not to go far from home for an example of this. Was there
- not a Lochiel in Scotland, and yet Lochiel was a place? Was there not a
- Magillicuddy in Ireland, and Magillicuddy was a mountain? It was pretty
- obvious that both Mrs. Maxwell and Mrs. Paston were temporising with the
- Committee; each was doing her best to put the others off the idea of
- leaving cards upon the Cachar, hoping to take him under her own wing and
- keep him there.
- </p>
- <p>
- That was the opinion of more than one of the inquirers, and a good deal of
- bitterness was occasioned by the reticence of the leaders. But no one
- seemed to know what was the object of the Princes visit to Burford, how
- long it was going to last, or with whom he meant to stay.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0037" id="link2H_4_0037"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- II.—THE PRINCE'S PARADE
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>nd then suddenly a
- stranger of dusky complexion and wearing flowing robes and a splendid
- turban set with precious stones appeared on foot in the High Street. He
- seemed greatly interested in the place, for he kept parading the leading
- thoroughfare and several of its byways practically the whole of the
- morning, so that he could scarcely escape the notice of all the residents
- who were in the town; no one failed to see him or to learn that he had
- taken lunch at Messrs. Caterham's new restaurant.
- </p>
- <p>
- An hour later Mrs. Paston drove up to Caterham's. She inquired of one of
- the young ladies if the Cachar had rooms in the adjoining hotel, and
- learned that he was resting in the private room at the back of the
- restaurant.
- </p>
- <p>
- She at once sent in her card.
- </p>
- <p>
- Hardly had she done so when Mrs. Lake entered and greeted her—Mrs.
- Lake was another of the red-tiled residents—saying—“I hear
- that the Prince is here. I suppose you have sent your card to him—I
- am sending mine. It is our duty, I think, to show some civility to such a
- visitor. My brother, you know, is intimately associated with India—Woods
- and Forests, you know.”
- </p>
- <p>
- She passed her card to the young lady, and smiled at Mrs. Paston in a way
- that was meant to assure her that she was mistaken if she fancied that she
- was to have the Prince all to herself.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I am sure that the Prince will be delighted to hear that your brother is
- in—— What did you say he was in?” asked Mrs. Paston sweetly.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Woods and Forests—the most important Department in all India,” said
- the other. “My brother would never forgive me if I allowed the Prince to
- come here without showing him some civility.”
- </p>
- <p>
- They were going together to the door when they found themselves face to
- face with Mrs. Markham and her daughter, both dressed as if for a garden
- party, and close behind them came Major Sowerby of the Territorials and
- his son, for whom he had been unsuccessfully trying to get a billet for
- the previous two years.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Glad to see you here, Mrs. Paston,” cried the Major heartily. “Yes, I
- maintain that it is our duty to welcome—to stretch out a right hand
- of greeting to the natives of our great Dependency—one Empire—one
- Flag—hands across the sea—that's what I have always advocated.
- I am wondering if he couldn't do something for my Teddy here. I believe
- these rajahs and memsahibs and cachars have got no end of money—rupees—the
- old Pagoda tree and that. Teddy can turn his hand to anything.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The expression of his excellent patriotic sentiments was interrupted by
- the arrival of nearly all the members of the Committee of inquiry, and a
- card-case was in the hand of every one of them, and other ladies of the
- élite were hurrying down the street, plainly making the restaurant their
- objective. Within a quarter of an hour a whole salver of cards had been
- taken charge of by the young lady, some of them bearing a few pencilled
- words: “Hoping to be honoured by a visit,” “At home every day this week at
- 4,” “Trusting to obtain permission to receive H.H. the Cachar,” and the
- like. Mrs. Lake had written on hers, “Sister of Mr. George Barnes, Woods
- and Forests Dept.,” and Major Sowerby had put in parenthesis under his
- son's name, “Ellison prizeman at Routilla College, Eastbourne.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The next day the Prince appeared once again promenading the High Street.
- He was a man of fine presence, of a rich ruddy brown complexion and a
- black beard and moustache, and his turban was a sight! It contained a
- central diamond little inferior in size to the Koh-i-noor, and on each
- side of it was a pigeon's egg ruby—a lady who saw it called it a
- pigeon's blood ruby lest there should be any mistake: a casual glance of
- some one who did not know all about these great jewels might convey the
- impression that it was only a bantam's blood ruby, which was quite an
- inferior stone. He had an air of distinction which caused him to be
- greatly admired, and yet he was so devoid of any foolish pride that he did
- not hesitate to chat quite pleasantly to one of the young ladies in
- Caterham's. (Mrs! Paston, hearing this, expressed the hope that the young
- lady would be very careful. But Major Sowerby, when it reached his ears,
- said he hoped the Prince would be careful. Mrs. Markham said nothing, but
- glanced hopefully at her daughter.)
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0009" id="linkimage-0009"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0175.jpg" alt="0175 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0175.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- All the ladies remained under their rosy tiles that afternoon, and all the
- maids were supplied with the whitest of caps and aprons. Tea was delayed
- in every house for three-quarters of an hour: there was no knowing what
- might happen. But nothing happened. The Cachar of Darjeeling was clearly
- feeling the embarrassment of having to respond to a welcome offered in
- such plurality; though Mrs. Paston thought that surely one of the young
- ladies in Caterham's would have told him to whom he should give precedence
- in making his calls. Every other lady was of the same opinion.
- </p>
- <p>
- Mrs. Paston thought it but right that she should give the Prince some
- encouragement, so she wrote a little note to him inviting his confidence
- as to his plans, and hoping that he might be able to lunch with her the
- next day, when she would have great pleasure in driving him to Lady
- Collingby's annual Flower Show. Four other ladies addressed notes to him
- expressing precisely the same sentiments, and all set out to deliver them
- at Caterham's with their own hands, to save the delay of a post.
- </p>
- <p>
- They entered Caterham's almost simultaneously, without noticing that the
- hoarding which had been built about the next door premises while a
- plate-glass front of noble design was being set in its place had been
- removed. And when they inquired for the Cachar, the young lady said—“He
- is in the new shop—you go through the arch on the left.”
- </p>
- <p>
- There was a Norman arch of lath and plaster enriched by insets of highly
- decorated Lincrusta—the paper-hangmen had just left it—in the
- partition wall; through it the ladies went and found themselves in a
- spacious shop with a profusion of cheap specimens of Oriental china on
- lacquer brackets about the walls, and an all-pervading smell of freshly
- roasted coffee. It was clearly the newly acquired premises of the
- enterprising Messrs. Caterham, which they meant to run as a shop for the
- sale of Indian tea and West Indian coffee—the “Old Flag” was their
- trade-mark—and a brisk sale of half-pound and quarter-pound packets
- was going on at the counter.
- </p>
- <p>
- So much the ladies who had just entered could see; but a moment after they
- had taken their first illuminating glance round the place they stood with
- their eyes fixed upon one of the most prominent objects of the place—the
- bustling figure of the Cachar of Darjeeling in native dress, turban and
- jewels and all, tying up parcels of tea behind the counter, and testing
- the coins which the crowd of customers tendered in payment before pulling
- the bell-ringing drawer of the cash register!
- </p>
- <p>
- The enterprise of Messrs. Caterham had suggested to them the advertising
- attraction in the form of a full-robed Oriental at the head of their new
- tea department. They had promoted one of their old hands—he came
- from the East End of London—to the post, and having “made up” under
- the guidance of one of Messrs. Nathan's most highly qualified assistants,
- Messrs. Caterham were perhaps not going too far when they asserted in
- their advertisements that the tea trade of Burford would assume an
- entirely new complexion.
- </p>
- <p>
- The ladies gazed in horrible fascination upon the impostor—at the
- moment they were unable to differentiate between an advertisement and an
- impostor—for nearly a whole minute, and then they turned and walked
- slowly away without exchanging a word.
- </p>
- <p>
- Mrs. Paston left Burford the next day, having been ordered by her medical
- adviser to Buxton. But Major Sowerby picked out his most serviceable
- Malacca cane, and was heard to declare, while trying its balance in
- downward strokes from left to right, that he had only to come across that
- scoundrel who called himself by the honourable title of a loyal Indian
- potentate in order to teach him a lesson that he would remember so long as
- he had breath in his body.
- </p>
- <p>
- The general impression that prevailed throughout Burford, however, so soon
- as the story of the exclusive ladies and their Indian prince was in full
- circulation—and it did not take long to pass round the town—was
- that the incident should teach a lesson to a good many people who take it
- upon them to lead the red-tiled society of the new town.
- </p>
- <p>
- But whether they learn any lesson or not, there seems to be a consensus of
- opinion that the sooner the name of the High Street is changed to Prince's
- Parade the better it will be for the town, Messrs. Caterham, and,
- incidentally, Mr. Isaac Moss, professionally known as the Cachar of
- Darjeeling. (As a matter of fact, there are already several people not
- belonging to the governing classes who, ever since the episode just
- recorded, have invariably alluded to the lower part of the High Street—that
- part which has been annexed by Messrs. Caterham—as the Prince's
- Parade.)
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER TEN—LESSER ENGLISH COUNTRY TOWNS
- </h2>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0039" id="link2H_4_0039"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- I.—STARKIE AND THE STATES
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> REMEMBER WITH
- WHAT ADROITNESS several years ago a distinguished dramatist explained to a
- pressing interviewer what was his intention in writing a certain play of
- his which was being widely discussed in many directions. It was merely to
- show how dangerous it was for any man to wander off the beaten track, he
- said: “A man must keep in line with his fellow-men if he hopes to avoid
- disaster”—and so forth. The explanation was no doubt accounted quite
- satisfactory by such persons as had been perturbed on the matter to which
- it referred.
- </p>
- <p>
- It certainly would have been accepted with every token of assent by the
- majority of the inhabitants of the lesser English country towns. They
- regard as highly dangerous to the community the least departure from the
- primrose path of the commonplace. They have a hymn which goes—
- </p>
- <p>
- <br />
- </p>
- <p class="indent20">
- “We are travelling home to God
- </p>
- <p class="indent20">
- In the way our fathers trod,
- </p>
- <p class="indent20">
- They are happy now, and we
- </p>
- <p class="indent20">
- Soon their happiness shall see.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /> <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0010" id="linkimage-0010"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0185.jpg" alt="0185 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0185.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- The stanza embodies their highest aspirations; and really, when one comes
- to consider the whole matter, one could hardly formulate a more
- satisfactory walk of life; only it is a walk, not a race, and some people
- (outside a country town) look to go through life at a faster pace. “In the
- way our fathers trod”—that is the sound motto of the country town,
- and the man who tries to get out of the old ruts is looked upon with
- suspicion by the sensible people to whom he may allude as old rutters or
- even old rotters.
- </p>
- <p>
- A middle-aged inhabitant of a town nearly twice as large as our Mallingham
- was greatly impressed with this truth by an incident which had just come
- under his notice when I had occasion to call upon him some time ago. He
- told me that he had been visited by a former townsman of his, but one whom
- he had not seen for more than fifteen years.
- </p>
- <p>
- “No, you wouldn't remember Joseph Starkie, old Sol Starkie's son,” he said
- to me in the course of his narrative. “It was before you came to county.
- Queer restless chap was Joe always.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Is he any relation to the Starkie who invented the magnetic lathe that is
- used everywhere in the States?” I inquired.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I shouldn't wonder,” he replied, as if making a sad admission. “Yes, I
- believe he said something about it when he was with me. He was just that
- sort of chap—so restless and dissatisfied always—wanting to do
- things differently from how they had always been done. His father was a
- most respectable man, however, in the hardware line, and Joe was too much
- for him: he packed him off to an uncle in the States, and there he has
- been ever since, he told me. “Sad—very sad! His father had quite a
- nice little business here, and if Joe had only settled down reasonably he
- might have succeeded to it and done well.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “It strikes me that he has done pretty well elsewhere,” said I. “His name
- is well known in every machine shop in the States.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Is that so? Well, maybe so; but that's not like having a comfortable
- place at home. Why, he might even have had a seat at the Town Council or
- the Water Board in time. When he came in here to-day I knew him at once;
- but I wasn't too eager with him until I saw from his way that he hadn't
- come to borrow money, as I feared at first. He wanted to inquire about
- some of his old associates, and he knew that I could tell him. 'Where's
- Johnnie Vance?' he asked. 'I looked in at his old office just now and no
- one seemed disposed to tell me.' I shook my head and pointed up the road.
- He saw what I meant. 'Jail?' he whispered. 'Jail? What was the trouble?'
- 'Embezzlement,' I told him. 'Well, well, who would have thought it?' he
- said. 'And maybe you can tell me if Willie Rossiter is still in his old
- crib,' he asked. I shook my head. 'Don't tell me that he's in jail too,'
- he cried. 'No, no—at least, not exactly. I want to be fair to every
- one. It's not jail, only the asylum.' 'What!' he said. 'Willie Rossiter—the
- asylum? How did it come about—an accident?' It went against my grain
- to tell him that it was drink, but he pressed me and I had to do it; and
- then he went on to talk about the old town for some time, but I could see
- that he had another friend to ask about. He pretended to be at the point
- of going and then suddenly to remember that there was somebody else. Jimmy
- Gray—it was Jimmy Gray. 'By the bye,' he said, 'I wonder if old
- Jimmy Gray is still knocking about.' I smiled. 'No, he's not doing much
- knocking about just now,' I told him. 'Not dead?' he asked. 'Oh no,' said
- I; 'only he has just taken rooms in the Bridgend Hotel.' 'What! the
- workhouse?' he cried. 'The workhouse indeed,' said I. 'And nobody would
- have known anything about it if he hadn't made a fool of himself writing
- to the Board of Guardians complaining that he had been kept waiting for a
- quarter of an hour when he had applied for admission.' That was the last
- of his inquiries after his old friends. But they had all been restless
- chaps like himself—not settling down to anything properly. Still, he
- didn't ask me to lend him any money, and that was something.”
- </p>
- <p>
- I could scarcely fail to see that this exemplary citizen felt keenly the
- value of the dramatist's suggestion, that it is very dangerous for a man
- to fall out of line with the rest of the community. Social laws exist for
- the community, not for the individual. At the same time, I was not so
- firmly convinced as my friend seemed to be that Mr. Starkie's career could
- be pointed to as a notable instance of the peril of marching out of the
- way our fathers trod. He had declined to yield to the influences of the
- magnet that “hung in the hardware shop” of his father, and had so forsaken
- the two hundred a year and the obscurity of his native town for the
- million dollars which he had earned by his inventions in Pennsylvania, to
- say nothing of the fame which accrues to an inventor who knows how to put
- his inventions on the market; so that there might really be some people
- ready to assert that Joe Starkie's restlessness suggested that a
- divergence from the scheme of the Red-man on the warpath, who is careful
- to step into the footprints of the man who goes before him, may now and
- again be advisable. I did not say so to my exemplary citizen, however; for
- the fame of Joe Starkie had not yet reached the place of his nativity, and
- the exemplary citizen might have asked me what about Joe Starkie's old
- friends who were now sojourning in various public institutions, and he
- would not have been satisfied with my replying to the effect that they had
- stayed at home, and were suffering for it.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0040" id="link2H_4_0040"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- II.—OUR FATHERS' FOOTSTEPS
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>n the way our
- fathers trod”—that seems to be the proud boast of the English
- country towns, and I am not sure that it is not a worthy one, though its
- application to certain cases is certainly humorous. I remember revisiting
- a town where I had once lived, and getting into conversation with an
- elderly and well-to-do inhabitant. I mentioned having met in London a
- surgeon who had been born in and lived in the town. He certainly enjoyed
- the largest practice in London, and, in addition to the K.C.B., bore as
- many continental orders as permitted of his wearing (which he did) a very
- dingy dress-coat without its dinginess being perceptible. His reputation
- had, however, eluded the cognizance of his native town.
- </p>
- <p>
- “What a fool he was to go off to London, when he might have done so well
- here,” was the comment of the elderly citizen upon my proud boast that I
- had met Sir William in London. “If he had only held on here he might by
- this time have got the best dispensary in the town.”
- </p>
- <p>
- I did not doubt it.
- </p>
- <p>
- He took the same view in regard to the career of another eminent townsman,
- who, I mentioned, had just been made an F.R.S.
- </p>
- <p>
- “If he had been wise and carried on his father's business here he might
- have been a J.P. by now,” was his solemn comment.
- </p>
- <p>
- I thought it better to refrain from any further remarks, lest I should be
- made to feel more acutely than I did all that I had forfeited by my
- premature departure from a town that offered such prizes for obscurity.
- </p>
- <p>
- There are still a large number of country towns in England where the
- feeling still remains that any departure from their precincts is, if not
- absolutely fatal, at any rate risky. I have met people in more than one
- town who looked on a man's going to America as equivalent to absconding. I
- suppose most of these places have some foundation of their own for the
- tradition. It is quite plausible that, seventy or eighty or even a hundred
- years ago, some wild young men may have found a voyage to America to offer
- them a satisfactory alternative to an appearance behind the spikes of the
- dock of the County Court-House, and America got a bad name in consequence,
- being looked on as a continent peopled by men who had gone wrong at home.
- However this may be, I must confess that I was startled, when I first came
- to Thurswell and mentioned that I heard that a young man who had played a
- good deal of lawn-tennis during the summer was going to the States, by the
- inquiry—
- </p>
- <p>
- “Why, what has he been doing anyway?”
- </p>
- <p>
- It did not come from one of the rustic population, but from a tradesman in
- quite a good way of business—a considerable proportion of it in
- canned provisions into the bargain.
- </p>
- <p>
- I believe that when Dr. Watson, the author of <i>Beside the Bonnie Brier
- Bush</i>, went on his first lecturing tour to America, the financial
- results of which were so satisfactory, an impression prevailed in certain
- directions that the act was unworthy of a clergyman of the Presbyterian
- Church, and he was made the object of a severe attack in some quarters.
- </p>
- <p>
- One can easily appreciate the attitude of people who have lived all their
- lives in an English country town in regard to the restless members of a
- family. One has only to walk through a churchyard and read the names on
- the tombs to understand how deeply rooted in the soil are the people. So
- far as Thurs-well and Mallingham are concerned, a stroll through one of
- the churchyards is almost equivalent to studying a directory. The same
- names as are cut upon the tombs—some of them going back a hundred
- and fifty years—are to be seen over the shop windows to-day and on
- the dairy carts and the farm carts. In some cases the name of a yeoman
- ancestor reappears in a Grand Jury list, indicating a material advance in
- the social scale. The migration that has been going on in our county for
- the past two hundred years seems to be interparochial. Individuals moved
- from village to village and from village to town. It is only within the
- past twenty-five or thirty years that the ablest and the best have
- occasionally braved public opinion and set sail for a colony.
- </p>
- <p>
- Even families that have “got on” seem to love to cling to the county which
- saw the very small beginnings of their ancestors. Why should they not?
- Love of one's county is only a subdivision of the grand virtue of love of
- one's country. It was only when a certain aged doctor, who had the family
- history of our neighbourhood at his fingers' ends for over sixty years,
- published a volume of interesting reminiscences, in the course of which he
- took occasion to refer to the very humble beginnings of some families that
- considered themselves very “swagger,” that we learned how tenaciously they
- had clung to their county. Even the slow-moving Mallingham is not without
- its romances of “getting on.” One of the most intrepid motorists in the
- borough is remembered by several middle-aged burgesses as the wearer of
- the green baize apron and the wielder of the broom of the caretaker and
- window-cleaner of a solicitor's office; and from what I know of him I am
- inclined to believe that that was the best kept office in the town when he
- had charge of it.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0011" id="link2HCH0011"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER ELEVEN—THE CATHEDRAL TOWN
- </h2>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0042" id="link2H_4_0042"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- I.—IN THE SHADOW OF THE MINSTER
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">B</span>ROADMINSTER IS ONE
- OF THE LESSER cathedral towns of England. There is nothing remarkable
- about the Minster except its antiquity. It does not convey the idea of
- vastness as do some of these venerable buildings. One would never imagine
- oneself in the midst of a petrified forest on passing through the porch.
- The carving about the pillars does not suggest lacework in stone, though
- it is admirable in its way, and the screen shows signs of having been
- “restored” in the days when restoration meant spoliation. The coloured
- glass of the windows is not especially good, but the oldest is undoubtedly
- the best. The modern memorial windows were apparently estimated for and
- the specification of the lowest-priced competitor accepted; but, really,
- the Chapter should have prevented the perpetration of such a blunder as
- that of the artist who, in his representation of the entrance to the
- sacred tomb, with the sleeping Roman guards on each side, put a crescent
- moon in the very blue sky! But for that matter, when I pointed out the
- mistake to one of the higher canons, he did not perceive for some time
- that the Paschal moon was bound to be within a few days of the full.
- </p>
- <p>
- The old Minster is, however, worthy of every respect, if it does not quite
- inspire such feelings of reverence and awe as does Westminster Abbey or
- Canterbury or Durham or Santa Croce at Florence. One feels that it is the
- sort of building one can trust. It is solid throughout, and that is
- something. I remember years ago, when I was lecturing a long-suffering
- group on the marvels of Milan, calling attention to the wonderful scheme
- of lighting by which the High Altar was made the centre of illumination, I
- observed some shadows of the stone spandrels on the roof for which I could
- not account. There the light spines and ridges flowed upward to meet at
- the apex, and there the shadows slept, increasing the effect amazingly.
- Only after some patient investigation did I find that the groins were
- painted on the woodwork to imitate the stone where the stonework ended!
- </p>
- <p>
- If there is nothing to wonder at in the interior of Broadminster, there is
- at least something to trust. It is sound throughout.
- </p>
- <p>
- But why, oh! why, should that old woman be allowed to stand just outside
- the porch with a basket of nuts on her arm, offering them for sale to all
- visitors?
- </p>
- <p>
- A stranger within our gates was puzzled by this apparition at the door of
- the church. He had just come from London, and he had been taken to the
- Zoo. He looked for some reason for the nuts at Broadminster—reason
- and consistency. If nuts, why not buns, he wished me to explain to him.
- </p>
- <p>
- I felt incapable of clearing away this mystery. I could not tell him,
- under the shadow of the sacred building, the legend that I invented to
- account for the nuts, but I told him in full when we got away from that
- influence of veracity: it had to do with a crusader who, forsaken by his
- comrades in the Lebanon, was forced to sustain himself with nuts, and
- vowed that if ever he should get back to England he would endow a Minster
- and decree that nuts should be offered at the porch between prime and
- angelus every day for a thousand years. He kept his vow, hence——
- </p>
- <p>
- That was eight hundred and eighty-two years ago, so that only one hundred
- and twenty of the vow had yet to run, and then——
- </p>
- <p>
- He was barely satisfied with this explanation. I could scarcely blame him:
- it did not satisfy myself.
- </p>
- <p>
- There are some people who think that the best part of St. Ursula—the
- Minster is dedicated to St. Ursula—is the Close. The Deanery, and
- the residences of the canons, major and minor, and all the officials of
- the Cathedral, lay as well as clerical, stand on two sides of a square,
- with the old building in the centre. Green meadows with a glimpse of green
- hills beyond are on the other sides of the square, and just behind the
- houses of the Close flows the Avonbeck, a narrow winding river in which
- trout may be caught by the dozen by the least skilful fisherman.
- </p>
- <p>
- The beautiful gardens of the Close slope down to the banks of the river.
- </p>
- <p>
- I was told a pathetic story by the wife of one of the dignitaries
- respecting a young man who had never any especial leaning for the Church
- as a career, but who made up his mind, when he saw this Close and walked
- through the gardens and fished in the Avonbeck, that the Church was the
- only possible profession for him. He went through the usual course, was
- ordained, and appointed to a parish in a slum in the Midlands, where he
- has remained ever since—and that was twenty-five years ago.
- </p>
- <p>
- Equally pathetic, however, to some people may be the case of the clergyman
- who practically started life as one of the lesser dignitaries of the
- Cathedral and has remained there ever since—and that was thirty-five
- years ago. It was said that he was once a good preacher, and even now he
- seldom falls more than a couple of tones in going from the Responses to
- the Prayers. He began with high ideas regarding Greek texts, but now he
- devotes himself to Canadian trout. He has great hopes, he told me, for the
- future of Canadian trout.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0043" id="link2H_4_0043"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- II.—THE NEW PALACE
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he Palace of the
- Bishop of Broadminster is not, of course, among the buildings of the
- Close. It stands in its own grounds about two miles away, and it bears
- tokens of having been built within the last quarter of a century. It did
- not start life as a palace, but as the country house of a business man in
- a bustling town. The story of how it became the Palace is a curious one.
- </p>
- <p>
- The original Palace was a big square barrack of a place, costing a great
- deal to keep up and giving no adequate return for its upkeep. It was a
- survival of the days when a bishop was expected to maintain a retinue of
- servants and never to go out for a quiet drive unless four horses were
- harnessed to the coach. The stables were built to accommodate twenty-two
- horses: it seemed to be understood that no self-respecting bishop could do
- with less, so long-lived are the Church traditions of the Middle Ages; and
- the servant retinue was expected to be maintained in the same proportion.
- The consequence was that the revenues of the diocese were quite
- insufficient to do more than keep up the place; they left nothing over for
- the poor Bishop himself, who could do very well with a 15 h.p. motor and a
- garage 25' x 15', a single chauffeur, and a gardener, instead of six
- horses, a coachman, an under-coachman, four grooms, and nine gardeners.
- </p>
- <p>
- Every now and again the question of the requirements of the Palace as
- opposed to the requirements of the Bishop was cropping up, and certain
- newspapers published letters from ignorant and irresponsible
- correspondents in which the phrases “bloated revenues,” “princely
- prelates,” “modern Wolseys,” and the like recurred, particular emphasis
- being laid upon the fact that his lordship kept no fewer than eleven
- gardeners—a very moderate exaggeration—for his own personal
- gratification as a horticulturist. And all this was very harassing for the
- poor Bishop.
- </p>
- <p>
- Now in the years when the upkeep of both the Bishop and the Palace was
- becoming a serious problem, there was living in a bustling manufacturing
- town a hundred miles from Broadminster a quiet little business man named
- Robinson. He had begun life in a rather small way; but before he was
- forty, having no expensive tastes and being engaged in a lucrative
- business, he had made a fortune—not, of course, such a fortune as
- may be made in the United States in these days, but still a fortune for an
- English provincial town. It so happened that he lodged with two maiden
- sisters slightly older than himself, and when he was about fifty he asked
- the elder to marry him. She agreed, and married they were.
- </p>
- <p>
- After living a year or two in the house in which he had lodged they
- started a one-horse brougham, and a little later Mrs. Robinson had a fancy
- to live in the country; and as her husband invariably thought as she did
- on every subject, he at once set about building a house that would always
- be worth (his architect assured him) the money he spent upon it. Mrs.
- Robinson being a pious woman and liking the Cathedral service, the site of
- the house should be, they determined, within easy reach of Broadminster.
- </p>
- <p>
- It was an admirable house when it was finished, and the three-acre garden
- could easily be managed by one man and a boy. This was in the days when a
- financial episode, known as the brewery boom, was beginning to be felt
- throughout the country, and it was known that Mr. Robinson had made as
- much in a week out of brewery shares as paid for the house he had built
- and the gardens that had been laid out for him by a competent landscape
- architect. And on the first morning that he breakfasted in their new home
- he presented his wife with the title-deeds of the whole, and made over the
- furniture to her as well.
- </p>
- <p>
- For five years they lived there in great happiness, and it was known that
- they were devoted to each other; but before they entered on their sixth
- year Mrs. Robinson died, and her husband found that she had made a will
- leaving the house and grounds and furniture to the Church authorities—whoever
- they were—for the use of the existing Bishop of Broadminster and his
- successors for ever.
- </p>
- <p>
- It appeared that Mrs. Robinson had become aware of the Palace difficulty,
- and made up her mind that she should do her best to solve the question of
- providing a reasonable residence for the Bishop in place of that
- insatiable monstrous barrack which he had been compelled to occupy, and
- upon which he was forced to spend every penny of his income.
- </p>
- <p>
- Although the will rather startled Mr. Robinson—for his wife had not
- confided in him that it was her intention to provide for the Bishop and
- his successors—he had no fault to find with it. He confessed to a
- friend that his dear wife had solved a question that might have perplexed
- himself; for he had no relative to whom he might reasonably be expected to
- leave the place.
- </p>
- <p>
- But before many days had passed he received a message from the
- ecclesiastical solicitors begging him to have the goodness to let them
- know at his convenience when it would suit him to give their clients
- possession of the house: and then he was really startled. A visit to his
- own solicitor made him aware of the fact that no provision had been made
- in his wife's will for allowing him to continue residing in the house or
- using the furniture therein—that he was, in fact, a trespasser in
- the house that he had built for himself!
- </p>
- <p>
- A little thought, however, convinced him that as soon as the facts of the
- case became known to the Church authorities there would be no trouble in
- obtaining their consent to his remaining on in the house; but it soon
- appeared that he had been rather too sanguine on this point. It was
- explained to him that the authorities were unfortunately left without any
- option in the matter, and possession of the place must be given to them
- within three months, rent for this period to be paid by him at a rate that
- might be agreed between his solicitor and themselves. They were
- ecclesiastically courteous, but legally firm, and so Mr. Robinson had to
- leave the house on which he had spent many hours of loving and intelligent
- thought the gardens to which he had given particular attention while they
- were being laid out, and the furniture which he had selected piece by
- piece from the best makers.
- </p>
- <p>
- He was allowed to take away his own clothes, however, and he began to feel
- that this was a concession.
- </p>
- <p>
- He went to Lausanne and died there a few years later, leaving about a
- hundred thousand pounds to various charities, but none of them having any
- connection with Broadminster.
- </p>
- <p>
- Before the end of the year in which the property was acquired by the
- Church it became the Palace, Broadminster: previously it had been called
- Leighside Hall.
- </p>
- <p>
- And from that day it is understood that the Bishop has been saving money
- to make up for the years which the early locust abode of his had eaten.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0044" id="link2H_4_0044"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- III.—ANTE-MORTEM GENEROSITY
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">C</span>uriously enough,
- there stands within view of the new Palace another house with a history
- attached to it which may strike some people as illustrating, with a humour
- that is still more grim, the inconvenience resulting from ante-mortem
- generosity on a large scale: post-mortem generosity may occasionally be
- risky, but its display on even the most lavish scale has never been known
- to cause any personal inconvenience to the one who indulges in it.
- </p>
- <p>
- The house is an interesting old Jacobean one, standing on the side of a
- mound within a loop of the river.
- </p>
- <p>
- It has consequently a series of terrace gardens which are quite delightful
- at all seasons. For years it was occupied by a Captain Hesketh and his
- wife, the latter having inherited it with a handsome fortune from her
- mother, who was the heiress of a family of considerable importance in the
- county. At her husband's death Mrs. Hesketh continued to live alone in the
- old house with a niece—for she had no children of her own—and
- in course of time the girl fell in love with a man who seemed in every way
- the right sort of person for her to marry, only for the fact of his having
- a very limited income. The girl's aunt, however, having nothing to live
- for except the witnessing of the happiness of the young couple, was
- generous enough to make over to them all her property, retaining only a
- sufficient sum to enable her to live in comfort for the remainder of her
- life.
- </p>
- <p>
- At this time she was sixty-three years of age, and her wants were very
- simple. It is said that the annuity which she purchased amounted to no
- more than three hundred pounds a year. Twelve years later, however, the
- lawyer whom she had entrusted to carry out this portion of the transaction
- for her died, and an examination of his affairs revealed the fact that,
- instead of spending the money which she had handed to him in the purchase
- of an annuity guaranteed by an Insurance Company of good reputation, he
- had treated it as his own, and had merely paid her a quarterly allowance.
- He died a bankrupt, owing thousands of pounds to clients whose money he
- had appropriated; so that at the age of seventy-five the unfortunate lady
- found herself penniless.
- </p>
- <p>
- Her position was annoying, she told the man from whom I had the story, but
- she did not feel it to be serious. Of course, she had only to explain
- matters to her niece and her niece's husband and they would take care that
- she should not suffer through the swindling agent. She hastened to have an
- interview with them on the subject, and was actually smiling as she told
- them what had happened. She was not smiling, however, when the interview
- terminated; for she found herself treated by them as a begging stranger.
- They gave her a sound scolding for her unbusinesslike credulity: the idea
- of entrusting her money to such a man without taking the trouble to find
- out how he had invested it! The thing was absurd—grossly absurd, and
- they thought that she deserved to suffer for her culpable carelessness!
- </p>
- <p>
- Of course, though surprised and hurt at this want of sympathy, the old
- lady readily admitted that she had been very careless; but the man had
- been her lawyer and her husband's lawyer for over thirty years, and she
- had implicit confidence in him, she said. After all, she reminded her
- relations that she was an old woman, and that in all probability she would
- not be a burden to them for more than a few years.
- </p>
- <p>
- This plea did not seem to soften them in any way; at any rate, it did not
- prevent her niece from expressing the opinion that it was most
- inconsiderate on her part to expect that she and her husband should accept
- the responsibility of keeping her for the rest of her life. They had two
- children to educate, she explained, and it was going too far to expect
- that they should be made to suffer because of her stupidity.
- </p>
- <p>
- The poor old lady felt herself turned out of her old house—the house
- in which she might still have been living if she had not been so foolishly
- generous.
- </p>
- <p>
- The next day, however, she received a letter from her niece's husband
- informing her that, after due consideration of the matter, he and his wife
- had come to the conclusion that, although she had no claim whatsoever upon
- them, they might be able to allow her a pound a week for life. He trusted
- that she had saved enough during the previous twelve years to allow of her
- living comfortably—many women, he reminded her, were compelled to
- live on much less. The final sentence in his letter was equivalent to an
- exhortation to her to thank Heaven for having given her a niece of so
- generous a disposition.
- </p>
- <p>
- The story reached the ears of a lady who had been her friend for many
- years, and she insisted on her rejecting the alms of her niece, offering
- her a home with herself, and expressing her happiness to receive her under
- her roof. The old lady accepted her friend's invitation; but at the same
- time she made application to be admitted as an inmate to a certain
- almshouse which had been founded and endowed by one of her own ancestors.
- This step, however, she took in secret, and at least a year would have to
- elapse before she could hope for admission to the charity.
- </p>
- <p>
- It so happened, however, that her generous friend had a son who had
- obtained some eminence at the Bar, and it seemed that the grim humour of
- the whole story appealed to him very strongly. But on thinking over the
- matter he perceived that this element in the story was not so finished as
- he thought it should be, if properly worked out by an ironic fate. He
- considered himself to be something of a critic in such matters, and it was
- possibly his artistic instinct that prompted him to make a move with a
- view to remedy the deficiency that he perceived in the story. He had
- acquired a pretty fair knowledge of men and their characteristics, and it
- occurred to him that a solicitor who gave up so much of his attention to
- the movements of stocks and shares as did this dishonest one who was the
- cause of the old lady's disaster, might possibly have been guilty of some
- neglect in respect of the deeds of gift conveying her property to her
- niece, and he turned his attention in this direction. He knew exactly what
- legal machinery to put in motion for the purpose of his inquiry, and the
- result he considered highly satisfactory; but it is doubtful if the
- ungrateful niece of the poor lady for whom the solicitor he had engaged
- was acting was of the same opinion when she received notice that a motion
- was about to be made before His Majesty's judges to set aside the deed of
- gift made twelve years earlier on account of a vital flaw in the document
- itself.
- </p>
- <p>
- The ungrateful niece and her husband consulted their solicitor when they
- received their shock. He laughed reassuringly at first.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Sounds very like a bit of bluff,” said he. “What does it mean? Why should
- your aunt want to get into her hands again the property that she made over
- to you?”
- </p>
- <p>
- The man told him that the lady had been the victim of a rascally
- solicitor, and so was left without a penny.
- </p>
- <p>
- “And now she seems to have got into the hands of another of the same
- stamp, only worse,” said the lawyer. “I don't think you need be uneasy.
- I'll get a copy of the original deed and get counsel's opinion about it.
- Trent will be the man. I'll send it to Trent. He is the leading man for
- that sort of thing. If there's any flaw in it he'll be able to lay his
- finger on it.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The two clients looked at each other with something like dismay on their
- faces.
- </p>
- <p>
- “My aunt has been living for the past three months with a Mrs. Trent, I
- have heard,” said the lady.
- </p>
- <p>
- The lawyer opened his eyes unusually wide and screwed up his mouth into
- the form of a puckered O.
- </p>
- <p>
- “She is his mother,” he said after a pause. “But why—why should he
- bother about such a piece of business as this? Why should he be interested
- in upsetting the deed when it was obviously the intention of your aunt to
- present you with the property? You have not quarrelled with her, have
- you?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Oh no, there was no quarrel. She came to us with her story, of course,
- and we at once offered to do something for her,” replied the niece.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Of course. That was the sensible thing to do. But this only makes the
- matter seem more mysterious. She accepted your offer, I suppose, and why,
- then, she should——”
- </p>
- <p>
- “She didn't accept it.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “What! Did she make a demand on you to return the whole property?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Never. But she suggested that we should make good the three hundred a
- year of her annuity.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “But isn't that what you say you promised her?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “We told her we couldn't afford that; but we offered her fifty-two pounds
- a year.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “A pound a week—one pound a week? Oh, my dear lady! A pound a week!
- Surely you are joking.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “We thought that she must surely have saved a good deal during the twelve
- years.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Three hundred a year, when you deduct the in-come tax, doesn't leave a
- gentlewoman much margin for saving.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The man of the law shook his head and assumed a very serious look.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Of course, I can't say anything at this moment as to the sort of case
- they have against you; but I do not feel justified in concealing from you
- my impression that if it is as we suppose, and Mr. Trent has pronounced
- against the deed, the Court will take his view of it. Trent is not the man
- to try on any sharp practice. And my advice to you is to make any
- sacrifice to prevent the case from going before the Court. Trent, if he is
- moving in the matter, must feel the ground pretty firm under his feet.
- What a pity it was that you did not suggest three hundred a year to the
- lady instead of—oh, that was undoubtedly a mistake—a pound a
- week. Well, we can only do our best in the circumstances. Who are the
- solicitors that sent you the letter?”
- </p>
- <p>
- The lady gave him the name of the firm, and in due course he communicated
- with them. An examination of the doubtful document removed the possibility
- of his retaining any doubt as to its being invalid, and his clients were
- assured that they could not contend the case there was against them.
- </p>
- <p>
- After this, I suppose, there was a scene that could only have justice done
- to its varied features by the pen of a gifted novelist. I can see the
- weeping niece on her knees in front of the old lady who had been her
- benefactrix, but whom she had repaid with gross ingratitude. Her children
- would possibly be kneeling by her side—they certainly would on the
- lyric stage or in the last chapter of the novel. No doubt the aunt would
- be greatly affected, though properly reproachful. But I doubt if the
- gallery of the theatre or the readers of the novelette would be quite
- satisfied with the conclusion of the story; for the generous aunt allowed
- her original gift to stand, only stipulating for her three hundred a year
- out of the estate.
- </p>
- <p>
- Whatever humour one may perceive in these stories is certainly of that
- unusual type which one might expect to find associated with a cathedral
- town. It is the humour of an Old Testament parable—hard, and with a
- lesson attached to it.
- </p>
- <p>
- Not precisely of the same nature was the definition of the duties of the
- verger suggested by a promising youth, whom I had instructions to lead
- round the Minster by his relations: they intended him to become an
- architect, and thought that he should become acquainted with the design of
- all the cathedrals to begin with. At first he supposed that the dignified
- gentleman wearing the black gown and carrying a mysterious emblem of
- authority was an archbishop, and I fear I failed to place him in
- possession of the facts respecting the duties of the verger, for he
- nodded, saying—“Ah yes, I understand—a sort of dignified
- chuck-er-out.”
- </p>
- <p>
- It is not on record that there was attached to any great ecclesiastical
- institution a dignitary who discharged the duties of a calcitrator. And,
- so far as Broadminster is concerned, one may say that, whatever brawls
- disturb the peace of other churches upon occasions, tranquillity reigns
- within these grey walls and harmony among the spirits of its fortunate
- aisles.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0045" id="link2H_4_0045"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- IV.—THE BLACK SHEEP
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">O</span>nly the merest
- echo of a rumour of years ago regarding a parson who managed to creep into
- the Chapter when he should have been excluded survives to-day. And even
- this attenuated scandal would have faded away long ago if some people had
- not kept it alive by a story which owes its point to the use made of the
- shady parson's name by an old reprobate who desired to score off a worthy
- clergyman. The worthy clergyman had come to pay a serious parochial visit
- of remonstrance to the old reprobate, and had made up his mind, in antique
- slang, to “let him have it hot.” He had tried the velvet glove of the
- kindly counsellor several times with the same man, and now he determined
- to see what the mailed fist would do. Chronic intoxication was the old
- reprobate's besetting sin, and that was—with more frequent intervals
- of repentance—the particular failing of that parson who had been a
- thorn in the flesh to the Cathedral Chapter. It was, however, the vice of
- which the visiting clergyman was most intolerant; so he launched out in
- fitting terms against the old reprobate, demonstrating to him how
- disgraceful, how senseless a thing it was to be a sot.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0011" id="linkimage-0011"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0211.jpg" alt="0211 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0211.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- The man listened to him until the first pause came, and then he sighed,
- saying—“Truer words were never spoken, sir, and no one knows that
- better than yourself, Mr. Weston.”
- </p>
- <p>
- Now Weston was the name of the frail parson, who had been dead for several
- years, and to hear himself so addressed was very nettling to the teetotal
- clergyman.
- </p>
- <p>
- “My name is not Weston,” he said sharply. “You know that I am Mr.
- Walters.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I ask your pardon, sir,” said the man. “But I hold with all you say, and
- no one has ever said the same better than yourself, Mr. Weston.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Don't call me Weston,” cried the clergyman. “The fact that you are
- muddled on a simple matter like this shows clearly to what condition you
- have sunk.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I don't doubt it, sir,” acquiesced the man sadly. “It's not a condition
- for any human to be, though mayhap it's worse when it overtakes a passon,
- as I'm sure you'll hold with me, Mr. Weston.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I was informed that you had been sober for some days,” said the
- clergyman. “But I now begin to fear that you are far from being anything
- like sober. Have you had anything to drink to-day?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Not a drop—not a drop, I'm sorry to confess to you, Mr. Weston.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The good parson sprang to his feet.
- </p>
- <p>
- “You are a wretched man!” he cried. “You are clearly so bemuddled with
- that poison that you are incapable of recognising who is speaking to you.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Nay, nay, sir; I'm not so far gone as that. I'm never so far gone but
- that I can know when a passon's a-speaking to me, Mr. Weston. I s'pose
- 'tis summit in their manner o' speech, Mr. Weston.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The tortured clergyman caught up his hat and rushed from the cottage.
- </p>
- <p>
- Few people would have given the old reprobate credit for striking upon so
- subtle a scheme of retaliation upon the clergyman who was a model of
- rectitude, had not the clergyman himself been indiscreet enough to
- complain, as he did with great bitterness, that the horrid old man was so
- fuddled with drink as to be incapable of differentiating between a cleric
- who had never been in the shadow of a cloud and one who had never been
- otherwise than shady, and who, moreover, had been among the shades for
- several years.
- </p>
- <p>
- There were, however, some people who had had experience of the readiness
- of resources of the old reprobate, and who knew how he had aimed at
- getting even with his upright visitor. And so the story spread, and was
- the means of keeping green, if one may be allowed the metaphor, the
- unsavoury memory of the thorn in the flesh of the Chapter.
- </p>
- <p>
- But if the wicked old man only simulated for his own base purposes a
- mistake as to the identity of Mr. Walters, there was certainly no such
- evil intention on the part of a young woman who, when on a visit to a
- relation living in Broadminster, was invited to a dinner party and was
- taken in by a fine-looking man of military appearance whose name was
- pronounced by their hostess as Colonel Trelawney. The lady rather prided
- herself on being equal to converse with men of any profession, and she at
- once started with her partner at the table on a military topic, and
- continued to ply him with questions of a more or less technical sort, on
- most of which he professed an ignorance surprising in one who had attained
- to the rank of a commanding officer. She almost became cross with the
- completeness of her failure to draw him out; but just as the cheese straws
- were going round she asked him in desperation if there was any branch of
- the Service in which he was interested.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Well,” he said, “of course I am interested in every part of it, but just
- now I have been studying all the authorities on the order of the Creeds,
- and I must confess that I find them enthralling.”
- </p>
- <p>
- She was puzzled.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Are you in the Sappers?” she asked after a long pause. She had heard that
- some of the Sappers had peculiarities.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The Sappers?” he repeated. “The Sappers? I'm afraid I don't quite
- understand your question. How could I——”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Are you not Colonel Trelawney?” she cried.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I am Canon Trelawney,” he replied. “What! Is it possible that you fancied—oh,
- it must be so. That is why you have been talking on military topics all
- this time. Colonel! Oh, this is really amusing! Colonel!”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I thought that our hostess had said 'Colonel,'” she murmured. “You must
- have fancied that I was mad.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “It was largely my own fault,” said he. “I am a little old-fashioned, and
- I have never taken kindly to the modern innovation in evening dress
- adopted by my brethren. My father was a parson and he habitually wore
- ordinary evening dress, and I followed him in this particular. I think I
- shall have to get a dog collar and satin stock after all.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The lady did not care whether he did or not. She felt she had wasted an
- evening.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0012" id="link2HCH0012"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER TWELVE—A CLOSE CORPORATION
- </h2>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0047" id="link2H_4_0047"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- I.—TROLLOPE'S MRS. PROUDIE
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">N</span>O ONE WHO HAS
- LIVED FOR ANY length of time in a cathedral town can fail to appreciate
- the perfection of Anthony Trollope's Barchester series of novels. In my
- opinion no more artistic achievement than the creation of Barchester and
- its people exists on the same scale in the English language. I do not
- think that there is a false note in any scene—a crude tone in any
- character. Certainly no writer ever dealt with the members of any
- profession with such completeness and without ceasing to interest a reader
- from page to page, from chapter to chapter, from volume to volume. Fancy
- any writer venturing upon five long novels with all the chief characters
- solicitors or solicitors' wives and daughters! Fancy a dozen medical men
- stethoscoping their way through a thousand closely printed pages! We know
- what military novels we have been treated to from time to time—stuff
- to send guffaws round every mess-room—as crude as the red of the
- tunics that gave the marksmen of other armies every chance in the old
- days.
- </p>
- <p>
- The personages in <i>Barchester Towers, The Warden, and The Last Chronicle
- of Barset</i> are such finished pieces of characterisation that they
- strike one as being photographs from life. One feels that the author must
- have had intimate acquaintance with the originals of his portraits, as
- well as with their entourage, before he could produce such transcripts
- from nature.
- </p>
- <p>
- I suppose there was a good deal of speculation when the Barchester novels
- were appearing as to the identity of the various cathedral dignitaries. It
- seems to me that such a “placing” of the people was inevitable. But an
- example was given me of the artistic way in which Trollope went to work in
- the case of one of his best remembered characters that let me see what a
- master of his art he was. I was some years under twenty when <i>The Last
- Chronicle</i> fell into my hands: it was the first novel of Trollope's
- that I read, so that was the first acquaintance I had with Mrs. Proudie.
- Before I had got through many chapters I knew that I was listening to the
- voice of the wife of an Irish Prelate—a lady whose character and
- temperament had been a twenty years' tradition in the household of which I
- was a member, and whose reputation had followed her from one city to
- another. The more I read of the book the more impressed I was that this
- lady had been the model for Mrs. Proudie in spite of the fact that the two
- had practically nothing in common—nothing except the essentials that
- go to make up a character.
- </p>
- <p>
- Mrs. Proudie was a plain, rather stout little woman, but my Mrs. Proudie
- was a tall, slight, and undoubtedly beautiful woman, even when middle-aged—the
- most perfect type of the traditional aristocrat. It would have been
- impossible for her to do any of the pettifogging of Trollope's vulgar
- person, in the way that Mrs. Proudie did it, but it was quite clearly
- understood—by no one better than the Bishop himself—that she
- was the ruler of the diocese. She was the mother of a family every member
- of which was remarkably good-looking; but Trollope laid emphasis upon the
- commonplace daughters of the Proudies.
- </p>
- <p>
- Only an artist of the highest rank could create a character such as Mrs.
- Proudie from the suggestions he had derived from the rumours respecting
- our Bishop's wife, and only an artist of the highest rank could create a
- personage which compelled all readers who knew the original to recognise
- the source of his inspiration and feel certain of its identity in spite of
- the absence of all outward marks of identification.
- </p>
- <p>
- For several years after reading the Barchester series I was accustomed to
- hear people in the neighbourhood in which I lived refer to the Bishop's
- wife as Mrs. Proudie—several clergymen certainly did so; but quite
- fifteen years had passed before I heard that, previous to his writing <i>Barchester
- Towers</i>, the author had been stationed in the same neighbourhood as an
- Inspector in the Post Office Department.
- </p>
- <p>
- “In those days,” said my informant, who had served under Trollope, “the
- Bishop's wife was at the height of her fame. Every one was talking about
- her and the way she kept the poor Bishop under her thumb. We expected that
- Mr. Trollope would make something out of her.”
- </p>
- <p>
- When I asked him how he could reconcile the difference between Mrs.
- Proudie and the other lady—how he could reconcile Mrs. Proudie's
- death in <i>The Last Chronicle</i> with the other's still active life, he
- told me that he had never read any of Trollope's books: the only writings
- of Trollope that had come under his cognizance were the official reports
- which he made to the head of the Department!
- </p>
- <p>
- Beautiful to the last, and ruling to the last, <i>our</i> Mrs. Proudie
- survived the published record of the other Mrs. Proudie by nearly thirty
- years. I write this chapter sitting on a sofa which I bought out of the
- Palace. The fact that the receipt of my cheque was signed by the Bishop
- and not by the lady, suggests that in financial matters his lordship was
- permitted to discharge the humblest of clerical duties.
- </p>
- <p>
- In Broadminster there has never been a rumour of a Mrs. Proudie; but
- occasionally there comes a discordant note from the belfry of the
- Cathedral. Only a quick ear can detect it, but having detected it, one is
- conscious of an impression of uneasiness, and asks oneself or anybody else
- if it is possible that all is not well in the Close.
- </p>
- <p>
- What sounds like the merest tinkle of discord outside Broadminster
- reverberates throughout the Close, causing uneasiness and even
- perturbation at times.
- </p>
- <p>
- During the past three years there have been two threatenings of huge
- upheavals in Minster circles. The rumblings of an earthquake were heard by
- some people of acute hearing, and the local seismometer—her name is
- Lady Birnam—foretold a cataclysm. But happily the centre of the
- disturbance passed away in another direction, and the foundations of the
- Cathedral remained intact.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0048" id="link2H_4_0048"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- II.—THE INNOVATORS
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he volcanic force
- which caused all the alarm was a young clergyman who, by reason of his
- personal merits and his relationship to the Dean, became the most minor of
- all the canons, and probably the most pleasing. But before he had been a
- year in attendance it was rumoured that he had views, and no clergyman
- with views had ever been associated with the services at the Minster.
- There have been clergymen who took a lively interest in landscape
- photography—even colour photography—and others who had rubbed
- with their own hands some of the finest monumental brasses in the country.
- A prebendary went so far in horticulture as to stand godfather to a new
- rose (h.p.), and a precentor who devised an automatic reel—a
- fishing-rod reel, not the terpsichorean—but no dignitary had
- previously been known to develop views on the lines adopted by this Canon
- Mowbray, for his views had an intimate connection with the Church Service.
- </p>
- <p>
- He had been heard to express the opinion that it was little short of
- scandalous that people should enter the Cathedral and find themselves
- surrounded by beauties of architecture and facing combinations of colour
- in glass that were extremely lovely—that they should be able to hear
- music of the most elevating type efficiently rendered by an organist of
- ability and a well-trained choir, but the moment a member of the Chapter—one
- of the dignitaries of the Church—began to discharge his duties,
- either in his stall, at the electern, or in the pulpit, the congregation
- were subjected to an infliction of mediocrity sometimes verging on
- imbecility. It was little short of scandalous, he said, that the most
- highly paid functionaries—men whose education had cost a great deal
- of money—should show themselves so imperfectly equipped to discharge
- their simplest duties in an intelligent manner. Few of them could even
- intone correctly, and he had a suspicion that intoning was invented to
- conceal their deficiency in reading the prayers. When they stood at the
- lectern and read in that artificial voice that they assumed for the
- Lessons for the day, treating the most splendidly dramatic episodes with a
- tameness that suggested rather more than indifference, they proved their
- inefficiency as plainly as when they stood at the altar-rails and repeated
- the Commandments in that apologetic tone they put on, as if they hoped the
- people present would understand quite clearly that they, the readers, were
- not responsible for the bad taste of the compiler of the Decalogue in
- referring to offences of which no well-bred lady or gentleman would be
- guilty.
- </p>
- <p>
- And then he went on to refer to the preaching....
- </p>
- <p>
- Now Canon Mowbray did not give expression to his views all at once. He was
- forced to do so by the action of the Dean and Chapter after he had
- startled them all, and the congregation as well, by his dramatic reading
- of the First Lesson, which was of the discomfiture of the Priests of Baal
- by the prophet Elijah—a subject treated very finely by Mendelssohn.
- </p>
- <p>
- The truth was that Canon Mowbray had paid a visit to London every week in
- order to get a lesson in elocution from a well-known ex-actor, and at the
- end of six months had mastered, at any rate, the fundamentals of the art.
- His performance, regarded by itself, would have been thought quite
- creditable; but, judged by comparison with the usual reading of the
- Lessons in the Minster, it was startling—thrilling. Long before he
- had got to the ironic outburst of the prophet, “Cry aloud, for he is a
- god,” he had got such a hold upon his hearers that when he made a little
- pause the silence was striking. At the close also, when he had shut the
- Book and stood for a few moments before saying, “Here endeth the First
- Lesson,” the silence was the ecclesiastical equivalent to the plaudits of
- the playhouse at the effective close of an act: he might have said, “Here
- endeth the First Act.”
- </p>
- <p>
- It seemed as if there was not a sirloin in Broad-minster over which the
- performance was not discussed. Sides were taken in almost every household
- of faith, some people condemning the innovation, others being enthusiastic
- in its favour. The one said it was too theatrical—it was not for
- clergymen to put themselves into a part, as if they were actors; the other
- affirmed that the Bible should be read by a clergyman as if he believed
- what he was reading, not in that <i>voix blanche,</i> as the French call
- the insincere monotone which for some reason, hard to discover, has been
- almost universally adopted as the voice of the Church.
- </p>
- <p>
- As a natural consequence of the discussion the attendance at the afternoon
- service was immense, for it was understood that Canon Mowbray was to read
- one of the Lessons. Men who had become quite lax in their churchgoing
- looked up their silk hats, and even chapelgoers, having heard of the
- morning performance, hastened to the Minster just to see how theatrical it
- was. The organist wished he had chosen a more showy anthem than “In Judah
- is God known.” This was quite too commonplace for such an occasion, he
- thought: it would allow of the clergy's competing with the choir for
- popularity, the idea of which was, of course, absurd.
- </p>
- <p>
- The offertory was nearly double that of any afternoon of the year.
- </p>
- <p>
- There could be no doubt that the “draw” was Canon Mowbray. He filled the
- stage, so to speak; when he went to the lectern the effect was the same as
- is produced on a full house by the entrance of the “star,” and once again
- the silence was felt to be a subtle form of applause.
- </p>
- <p>
- Canon Mowbray had no chance of electrifying his hearers, for they were
- expectant; he managed, however, to get far more out of an unemotional
- chapter than had ever been got out of it before, so that it was made
- perfectly clear to every one that he meant to pursue the line he had
- struck out for himself, and for the next few days there was no real topic
- in Broad-minster but the innovation of Canon Mowbray.
- </p>
- <p>
- It was not surprising that the Close should be greatly perturbed by the
- innovation. The Chapter was against it to a man. They had got into a
- groove so far as the church services were concerned, and they had been
- running very easily in it for many years. Where was the need to make any
- change? they asked. But even if some change was needed, why should it be
- such a one as that of which Canon Mowbray had made himself the exponent?
- There were the weaker brethren to consider: in every clerical discussion
- the question of considering the weaker brethren plays a prominent part.
- The weaker brethren objected very strongly to the introduction of
- elocution in any florid form at the lectern or in front of the
- altar-rails, and beyond a doubt the playhouse—a theatre is
- invariably alluded to as a playhouse by people who are arguing against it—the
- playhouse and the House of God are separate and distinct, and any attempt
- to introduce the atmosphere of the former into the latter savoured of
- irreverence, and should not be tolerated by any one having at heart the
- welfare of the Church.
- </p>
- <p>
- Of course, Canon Mowbray was quickly made aware of the opinion of the
- Chapter regarding his innovation, and then it was that he made use of the
- somewhat intemperate phrases already quoted in defining the artistic
- incompetence of the clergy; and the clergy speedily learned all that he
- had said and was still saying about them, and they were naturally very
- much displeased.
- </p>
- <p>
- But what could they do in the matter?
- </p>
- <p>
- Well, it was obvious that they could be cold to him—they could
- delete his name from the list of invitations to their whist parties and
- dinner parties and luncheon parties. They could make it difficult for him
- to get up a set at lawn-tennis or badminton; and, sure enough, they put in
- motion all the apparatus of excommunication which is still at the command
- of the Church. But the result was not all that had been anticipated; for
- the people who felt that they owed Canon Mowbray a good turn for the
- entertainment with which he had provided them for several Sundays, got up
- special parties in his honour: dinner parties, and whist parties, and even
- “tweeny” parties—the Sunday lunch between the services at the
- Cathedral which occupies so prominent a position in the convivial régime
- of Broadminster. But Canon Mowbray was wise enough not to accept any of
- the invitations that he received. He knew that there was far more to be
- got out of a pose as persecuted reformer than from appearing at the most
- elaborate tweeny lunch that the most interesting house in the town could
- provide.
- </p>
- <p>
- He was quite right; for within a month he was summoned before the Dean
- himself, and remonstrated with on the error of his excessive elocution. It
- was understood the great Dignitary had used his own weapons against him
- during this interview: his elocution was excessive as he referred to the
- Canon's attempt to introduce an element into the services which had
- previously been monopolised by the playhouse—the Dean, of course,
- called the theatre the playhouse.
- </p>
- <p>
- It need scarcely be said that this interview of remonstrance represented a
- martyr's crown of 22 carats, hall-marked, to Canon Mowbray, and he took
- care to display it: he never appeared in public without it. He brushed his
- hair to accommodate its rim upon his head—every one who has come in
- contact with a martyr knows how far the brushing of his hair goes to the
- establishment of his claim to the crown—and it was understood that
- even if Canon Mowbray's “size” had been in excess of that marked on the
- ticket in his hat, it was nearly certain that within a short time his head
- would be found quite equal to the wearing of his crown without any one
- suggesting that it was a misfit.
- </p>
- <p>
- But he had got the better of the Dean in the interview—he took care
- that this fact became known. He had not forgotten himself or his position
- for a moment. He had expressed his great regret that the Dean was unable
- to look at the question of the innovation with his, the Canon's, eyes; he
- had a great respect for the Dean's opinion on most matters, and he knew no
- one whose advice he would follow more gladly; but in this particular point
- he found it impossible to do so. Surely if the art of the musician was
- admitted into the services, the art of the elocutionist should not be
- excluded—and so forth. Good taste? He was said, that he could not
- allow any considerations of what some people called good taste to
- interfere with what he believed to be his duty. After all, good taste and
- bad taste were merely relative terms. It was not possible that on any
- aesthetic grounds Mr. Dean would be prepared to say that the slovenly
- reading of the Sacred Word to which they had been for long accustomed at
- the Minster was more tasteful than—than one in which the ordinary
- principles of elocution were observed.
- </p>
- <p>
- It was when the Dean was confronted with arguments which he made no
- attempt to answer that he became grossly personal, Canon Mowbray said,
- attributing to him, the Canon, motives unworthy of a clergyman with any
- sense of his high calling, and thereby proving pretty conclusively, the
- Canon thought, that as an arbiter of good taste the Dean could scarcely be
- admitted to a position of any prominence.
- </p>
- <p>
- The result of the Dean's remonstrance was to strengthen the Canon's cause
- in the eyes of his adherents; and when one of these friends wrote a letter
- to the newspapers, expressing the opinion that if Canon Mowbray had been
- guilty of any breach of discipline the ecclesiastical authorities should
- take action with a view to justifying themselves in the attitude they had
- assumed in regard to him, the general opinion was that the Canon had
- triumphed, for the Dean and Chapter knew perfectly well that they had no
- power to accept the challenge implied in the letter: the question was not
- one of turning to the east or turning to the west, or of lighting candles
- in a place where no artificial illuminant was required, or of wearing an
- overelaborate robe—it was solely a question of taste, and the
- discipline of the Church has nothing to do with matters of taste.
- </p>
- <p>
- It was at this point that Lady Birnam, who claimed to be a local
- ecclesiastical seismometer, so to speak, prophesied a cataclysm that would
- shake the Church to its foundations. She went far beyond the advisory
- committee of St. Paul's in considering the consequences of making new
- subways by the London County Council.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0049" id="link2H_4_0049"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- III.—THE PEACEMAKERS
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span>nd yet within a
- couple of months the last rumble of the threatened disturbance had passed
- away.
- </p>
- <p>
- This is how the <i>status quo ante bellum</i> was restored:
- </p>
- <p>
- The offending Canon was in the habit of confiding in his supporters his
- feeling of sorrow that none of his clerical brethren had the manliness to
- follow his example and read the Lessons as they should be read: he had
- quite believed, he said, that in a short time the slovenly, monotonous
- reader would have ceased to appear at the lectern; he was greatly
- disappointed.
- </p>
- <p>
- But one Sunday an elderly Prebendary astonished every one by “putting on”
- two separate and distinct voices in reading the First Lesson. It was the
- chapter in which Moses pleads for the Children of Israel when their
- destruction is threatened by the Almighty. Now it will be plain to any one
- that to treat this duologue in an elocutionary style requires a delicacy
- of touch of the rarest sort; but unhappily the reader seemed to have the
- idea that all that was necessary to deal with the most important passages
- effectively was to deliver them in two voices, and this scheme he adopted.
- The one voice was that of a good-natured gentleman taking the part of
- naughty schoolboys who had been caught robbing the orchard of an irascible
- old farmer; the second voice was that of the irascible old farmer who had
- cornered them and had sent one of his staff for a dog whip.
- </p>
- <p>
- The effect was startling at first. It seemed as if the clergyman had seen
- Irving in <i>The Lyons Mail''</i> and thought he could not improve greatly
- upon the method of the actor in the dual rôle—speaking in the mild
- accents of the amiable Lesurges on the one hand and in the gruff staccato
- of Dubose on the other. At first this touch of realism was startling, but
- as it went on it became queer, then funny, and at last it had the element
- that made its emphatic appeal to most hearers, that of burlesque. Some of
- the congregation were shocked: they had no idea that “God spake these
- words and said” in the tone of a testy old gentleman. Others were frankly
- amused and showed it without reticence; and the entertainment closed with
- the giggling of choir-boys.
- </p>
- <p>
- The Second Lesson was read by Canon Mowbray in a very subdued way.
- Contrary to the expectation of a good many people, he made no attempt to
- match himself in realistic effects against the Prebendary; and when during
- the week remarks were made in his hearing respecting that member of the
- Chapter and his elocution, he only shook his head sadly. The other members
- of the Chapter could do no more. When an elderly clergyman has made a fool
- of himself within the precincts of his church people can only shake their
- heads.
- </p>
- <p>
- But the next Sunday the congregation who crowded the Minster at the
- afternoon service shook not only their heads but their bodies also in
- their decorous but wholly ineffectual attempts to smother their laughter
- while the Prebendary read a chapter in the Book of Ruth which
- necessitated, he thought, full orchestral treatment. He clearly saw the
- parts for a basso, a tenor, a soprano, and a contralto, and he set himself
- about doing all four by subtle modulations of his voice. Now, people do
- not as a rule mind a middle-aged parson's putting on a gruff voice when
- reading what a man said, or going up an octave or so when assuming the
- dialogue of a milder-mannered man; but when he puts on a falsetto, and a
- very high falsetto, when he essays to reproduce the words of a woman, and
- occasionally breaks in an attempt to lay the emphasis on the right words,
- the most decorous of folk will either laugh or weep—and the great
- majority of the worshippers in the old Minster this day did the former.
- Quite a number hurried from the Sacred Fane with their handkerchiefs held
- close to their mouths. But once outside——
- </p>
- <p>
- That was how the scandal which threatened to make Broadminster Chapter a
- house divided against itself was dispersed. It was obvious that the
- Minster was too antique a place to be made the scene of so great an
- innovation as Canon Mowbray had attempted to introduce, and he at once
- fell back into the recognised monotone, with a suspicion of the sing-song
- rising and falling from sentence to sentence in his reading of the
- Lessons, and the Prebendary once more followed his example; and so the
- plague—or worse—was stayed.
- </p>
- <p>
- But the general impression that prevailed throughout Broadminster when the
- whole question of the innovation was discussed was that that middle-aged
- Prebendary had not gone very far in making a fool of himself. They had
- heard of a potent form of argument technically known as <i>reductio ad
- absurdum</i>, but they had never before had so signal an instance of its
- successful operation.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0050" id="link2H_4_0050"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- IV.—THE VOX HUMANA
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>ome years had
- passed before there was another little fluttering in the Minster
- dovecotes; but this time the disturbing element happily did not arise
- within the Chapter. The fact was that at the afternoon service one Sunday
- a voice of extraordinary charm was heard when the first of the hymns was
- begun. It was the voice of a professional soprano, and one of the finest
- <i>timbre</i> beyond doubt; but it was so clear and so resonant that, to
- make use of the verger's criticism whispered into my ear, it gave the rest
- of the congregation no chance whatsoever. Now every one knows that there
- is nothing so startling in a church as one voice ringing out even a single
- note above the vague cloud of sound, if one may be allowed such a phrase,
- that comes from a singing congregation. But here was a young woman who
- went through every verse of the hymn as though the volume of sound coming
- from the nave, the aisle, and the choir itself were only meant as a sort
- of background for her voice.
- </p>
- <p>
- Of course before the third stanza was reached the great majority of those
- who had been singing had ceased. They saw that, in the verger's phrase,
- they had no chance against so brilliant a vocalist; they turned their eyes
- upon the young woman, some of them with frowns of indignation, but others
- with frank admiration. But undoubtedly all were startled.
- </p>
- <p>
- When the second hymn began it was plain that the music presented no
- difficulties to the stranger; she sang as before with exquisite sweetness
- and expression, but still with a ringing clearness that suggested the song
- of the skylark soaring above a field of corncrakes. Even the efforts of
- the choir did not rise much above the melody of the corn-crakes in early
- dawn when that girl was singing.
- </p>
- <p>
- Naturally such an unusual display caused a considerable amount of talk in
- Minster circles. It was pronounced in many directions to be in extremely
- bad taste for any young woman to sing down a whole congregation in such a
- way; but while some people said it must be put a stop to at once, others
- declared that they had never had such a treat in their lives. (They
- probably meant for the expenditure that was represented by their donations
- to the offertory.)
- </p>
- <p>
- But when the wives of such members of the Chapter as were blessed with
- wives declared definitely that a stop must be put to so unreasonable a
- display of an undoubted gift, their husbands asked how they proposed to
- put a stop to it; and once again it appeared that, after all, the powers
- of a Cathedral Chapter are very limited.
- </p>
- <p>
- Inquiries were made as to who the singer actually was; but no one seemed
- to know her. She was a stranger, and was certainly not living in the town.
- </p>
- <p>
- The next Sunday brought about a repetition of the same rather embarrassing
- scene. The vocalist, who was a very handsome and an expensively but not
- showily dressed young woman, sang as before quite unconcernedly, and
- apparently oblivious of having done anything out of the common.
- </p>
- <p>
- At the end of the first hymn, however, the organist's boy was seen to
- approach her, and to put a piece of paper into her hand. It obviously
- contained a message to which an answer was required, for the boy waited
- while she read the thing, and then she inclined her head, evidently
- signifying her assent to whatever suggestion it conveyed to her.
- </p>
- <p>
- No one who saw the act doubted that the organist had sent her a message,
- begging her not to sing quite so loud.
- </p>
- <p>
- In due course the precentor announced that “the anthem is taken from Job
- xix. verses 25, 26: 'I know that my Redeemer liveth... and though worms
- destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God.'”
- </p>
- <p>
- The lovely notes of the organ obbligato were heard in the introduction,
- and then the people in the church became aware of the fact that the melody
- was not being sung by the usual choir-boy, but by the stranger; and never
- before had it been sung with such feeling or such an appreciation of its
- beauty. It was natural that the old Cathedral-goers should look at one
- another with startled eyes at first—here was an innovation indeed!—but
- before long the most hardened of them all had yielded to the exquisite
- charm of the girl's voice, and when the triumphant notes rang out there
- was no one who remained unmoved under that ancient canopy of Gothic
- arches.
- </p>
- <p>
- And that unhappily is the end of the whole story. The girl and the elderly
- lady who had come with her to the Minster walked away at the close of the
- service, and no one was able to say in what direction they went or whence
- they had come. No one in the town knew either of them. They had not been
- at any hotel, nor had they taken the train to London—the organist
- made it a point to be at the station to find out. That beautiful, singer
- might have been a celestial visitant sent as a special compliment to the
- organist of the Minster—it was rumoured that the views of the
- organist were strongly in favour of this theory—so mysteriously had
- she come and so utterly had she vanished.
- </p>
- <p>
- But during the week that followed that episode in the Minster little else
- was talked of in the town. The Chapter took the gravest view of the action
- of the organist in sending that note to the vocalist, asking her if she
- would kindly sing the solo: he confessed that he had done so. They said
- that it was quite irregular, and he acknowledged this also; in fact, he
- was ready to acknowledge every thing to which the Chapter took exception
- if they would in turn acknowledge that he had been instrumental in
- providing them with such an artistic treat as they had never known within
- the walls of the Cathedral. And then he began to laugh at them, for he
- knew that they all had a wholesome dread of him, from the Dean down. He
- broached that suspicion about the angel, and lectured them upon the good
- fortune of some people who had entertained angels unaware. He wondered if
- that mysterious vocalist had entertained them. If so, he hoped that they
- would contrive when intoning the prayers in future to end up within a tone
- or two of the note on which they had started.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0012" id="linkimage-0012"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0237.jpg" alt="0237 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0237.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- They smiled and were silent. Some of them thought that he had let them off
- easily enough. They were trembling lest he should go into particulars.
- </p>
- <p>
- But for that week there was a great deal of controversy in Church circles
- respecting the episode, and on the following Sunday the Minster was
- crowded; for it was rumoured that the organist had another anthem with an
- effective soprano solo which he meant to spring upon the Chapter in place
- of the baritone, “What is man that Thou art mindful of him?” which was on
- the board, in view of the reappearance of the girl.
- </p>
- <p>
- Every one was disappointed, however; the service was conducted as usual,
- for the soprano was not there, and Mr. Stone, the very capable baritone,
- had it all his own way in respect of the anthem. He never sang it better
- in all his life, and everybody went home disappointed, except perhaps the
- Chapter and their womenfolk, who had perceived how easily a vocalist of
- exceptional ability may in certain circumstances be the means of causing
- confusion in the conducting of the services of the Church.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0051" id="link2H_4_0051"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- V.—THE PILGRIM'S PROGRESS
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> am inclined to
- think that the people of Broad-minster are about the best informed of all
- people in the county in regard to general topics. But sometimes this
- opinion, which so many visitors form, is not confirmed by residence in the
- town. In these days, when one hears that it is impossible to educate a
- girl as she should be educated for less than £200 a year, one expects a
- great deal of knowledge from girls generally. A clergyman of the town, who
- is not connected with the Minster, is constantly telling me of instances
- that have come under his notice of the most expensively educated girls
- showing an amount of ignorance that should, but probably would not, make a
- Board School girl blush were it brought home to her. He assured me that
- the daughter of one of the Minster dignitaries, in seeing a casual
- reference to Elaine, had begged him to tell her in which of Shakespeare's
- plays she appeared: she herself had made a diligent search through that
- author without success.
- </p>
- <p>
- I could scarcely believe that such an incident had taken place, for I was
- under the impression that Tennyson was still read by girls; but a short
- time afterwards I overheard a couple of young women—one of them not
- so very young—talking on literature.
- </p>
- <p>
- The elder had mentioned that she had read in a magazine that the best
- account of the great plague was in a book written by Defoe, and she
- wondered if the other girl knew what book it was in. The other shook her
- head, saying—
- </p>
- <p>
- “You need not ask me; the only book of Defoe's that I ever read was <i>The
- Pilgrim's Progress</i>, and I never finished it.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I thought you might chance to know,” said the other complacently,
- evidently not seeing her way into any side issue in respect of the
- authorship of <i>The Pilgrim's Progress.</i> “I'm tremendously interested
- in something I have been reading on tropical diseases, and I thought that
- I should like to learn something about the old plagues.”
- </p>
- <p>
- I fancy that both young women went through a course of English literature
- at their expensive school, and they probably would reply to your assurance
- that you knew the difference between Daniel Defoe and John Bunyan and
- their works when you were twelve years of age, that they could have done
- the same. What chance has Defoe against golf or Bunyan against badminton.
- If a girl only puts her heart into it she can forget between eighteen and
- twenty-four much that she has learned previously—at a cost of a
- couple of thousand pounds or thereabout.
- </p>
- <p>
- But, I repeat, there is a great deal of intelligence to be found in all
- circles in Broadminster, and now and again one is confronted by some
- strong piece of evidence of original investigation on a historical as as
- well as a literary subject. Seldom, however, does one have an important
- logical conclusion to an apparently trivial incident enforced upon one
- with the same lucidity as characterised a lady's expression of surprise
- that the hallucinations of the great Duke of Wellington in the latter
- years of his life had not been commented on by any of his biographers.
- People were accustomed to laugh at the assertion of the Prince Regent that
- he had been present at the battle of Waterloo, and at the Duke's reply to
- him when appealed to for confirmation: “Indeed, I have frequently heard
- your Royal Highness say so.” But what about the Duke's own hallucination?
- Is it not recorded of him that upon one occasion, when watching the
- playing fields at Eton, he declared that the battle of Waterloo had been
- fought there? Yet although everyone knew that Waterloo was in Belgium, no
- one seemed to have noticed the extraordinary mental lapse on the part of a
- man who might reasonably be supposed to have the chief features of the
- locality impressed upon him. She added that she feared, if the error were
- not pointed out in time, the Duke's statement might become generally
- accepted, and so posterity might be led to believe that Napoleon's career
- had been brought to a close on the banks of the Thames, which was not a
- fact.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0052" id="link2H_4_0052"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- VI.—THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE MINSTER
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he effect of
- residing for some time in such a town as Broadminster—a community on
- which the shadow of an ancient Minster has rested for nearly six hundred
- years—is noteworthy. One breathes of the atmosphere that clings
- about the old stonework, and, in time, one is conscious of one's ideas and
- aspirations becoming assimilated with the traditions of the place. On a
- fine morning in summer even an Irishman feels himself to be an English
- Conservative—a genuine Tory of the good old days when boys were
- taught to touch their hats to a “passon,” and when it was a matter of
- common knowledge that the finest vintage ports were reposing in the
- cellars of the Close.
- </p>
- <p>
- An instance of the insidious influences of an atmosphere too strongly
- charged with Anglozone—one must invent a word to express this
- particular elixir of the cathedral town—came under my notice some
- years ago. A young American lady, after travelling about a good deal,
- settled in a beautiful old house in Broadminster. Rooms panelled with old
- oak, an oak staircase with well-carved newels and finials, and a room on
- the wall of which some frescowork of the fourteenth century had been
- discovered, completed the charm which the Minster bells began in the mind
- of the young woman, and she began to speak English as incorrectly as if
- she had been born in England.
- </p>
- <p>
- I met her one day wearing mourning—not exemplary mourning, but
- enough to induce a mild and conventional expression of sympathy.
- </p>
- <p>
- Oh no, it was not for any near relation, she said; but surely I had
- forgotten that the day was the anniversary of the execution of the Earl of
- Strafford. What Strafford was that? Why, of course, Charles the First's
- Strafford. How could Englishmen be so neglectful of the memory of one of
- the greatest of Englishmen?
- </p>
- <p>
- “If you go into mourning for Strafford, I suppose you fast upon the
- anniversary of the death of Charles the First?” I suggested.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The martyrdom of King Charles is commemorated in some parts of the States
- in the most solemn manner,” she replied. “Oh yes, I can assure you that we
- are Stuart in every fibre of our bodies. I am President of the White Rose
- Society of Chillingworth County, Massachusetts.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “But you are not, I hope, active Jacobites?” said I.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Well, no—not just yet; but we can never acknowledge the Hanoverian
- succession. We owe the Hanoverians a grudge: it was a king of that house
- who brought about our separation from Great Britain. That old wound
- rankles still.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0013" id="link2HCH0013"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER THIRTEEN—AMONG THE AMATEURS
- </h2>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0054" id="link2H_4_0054"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- I.—MR. BARTON'S HIGH NOTE
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>HE ARTISTIC
- INFLUENCES OF A CATHEDRAL with a good organist and a capable choir in any
- town cannot be questioned; and so it is that the concerts which take place
- with some frequency in Broad-minster and the neighbourhood are usually
- quite good. The members of the choir are always ready to sing for the many
- deserving objects that occur to the active minds of the organisers of
- amateur concerts. One of these ladies, however, made up her mind that
- people were getting tired of the local tenors, and resolved to introduce a
- new amateur, whom she had heard sing at Brindlington, for a concert she
- was getting up for the Ophthalmic Hospital. This gentleman's name was
- Barton, and he was said to be a very promising tenor of a light quality.
- He certainly behaved as such when he came to Broadminster to rehearse on
- the afternoon of the day preceding the entertainment. Dr. Brailey, the
- organist of the Minster, had kindly consented to play the accompaniments
- as usual, though his best tenor was to be superseded by the gentleman from
- Brindlington, and he attended the rehearsal.
- </p>
- <p>
- Before he had got through the first stanza of the stranger's contribution—a
- song that the musician had accompanied hundreds of times—he found
- himself being instructed by Mr. Barton how to play the introduction to the
- second stanza. Then he found himself told that he was playing too loud:
- “Keep it down, my dear sir, keep it down—this is not a pianoforte
- solo,” said the amateur petulently, to the horror of everyone present,
- with the exception, apparently, of the musician; for Dr. Brailey only
- smiled and remarked that he hoped he would with practice be able to give
- the gentleman satisfaction. But even this course of suavity did not seem
- to produce a good impression upon the amateur: he continued grumbling,
- winding up by saying—
- </p>
- <p>
- “Oh, well, I suppose that will have to do,” while he turned his back upon
- the musician.
- </p>
- <p>
- But the musician did not seem in the least hurt. He smiled.
- </p>
- <p>
- He was in his seat at the piano the next evening when the new tenor came
- forward to sing his song. It occupied, of course, the best place in the
- programme, and the first stanza came off very well: the high note a bar or
- two from the close was in itself a feat, but the singer produced it
- correctly and hung on to it as long as he could, and Dr. Brailey gave him
- every latitude, not proceeding with the accompaniment until he had quite
- finished with it.
- </p>
- <p>
- And then Dr. Brailey did a thing which he alone in the town could do: he
- raised the key a tone in attacking the second stanza without the singer
- being aware of it; it was only when he approached the same high note to
- which he had clung in the first stanza that he began to feel that he was
- not so much at his ease in forcing it again. He pulled himself together,
- however, and just managed to touch it—there was no thought of
- clinging to it now; he touched it and then hurried away from it down the
- scale, and under covert of the encouraging applause which the singer
- received the accompanist unostentatiously raised the key again as he
- dashed into the third stanza. Gratified by his previous success, the tenor
- went gallantly onward; again he realised that the high note would tax him
- to the uttermost—he felt that he was straining his voice to touch
- even a lower note. But what could he do? The copy of the song which he
- held trembled in his fingers; then he took a quick breath and made a dash
- for the high note.
- </p>
- <p>
- He never reached it—his voice broke upon it with the usual comical
- effect, and the young people in the audience yelled with laughter. A boy
- scout or two at the back of the hall thought the moment a propitious one
- for showing how accomplished they were in imitating the everyday sounds of
- the farmyard; and under such a volley, mingling with the laughter of the
- choir-boys, one of whom simulated the tremolo of a cat unable to fulfil
- its engagements in good time, and attempting to produce Chopin's Funeral
- March from the beginning with a far too meagre orchestra, the singer
- turned and almost fled from the platform.
- </p>
- <p>
- It was Dr. Brailey who had to announce to the audience at the start of the
- second part of the concert that Mr. Barton, owing to a sudden
- indisposition, would be unable to sing “Let me like a Soldier fall”—the
- other song that was opposite his name on the programme—but that
- their old friend, Mr. Stamford, had kindly stepped into the breach and
- would do his best with that number.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Loud and prolonged applause,” the <i>Gazette</i> stated, followed the
- announcement; for Mr. Stamford was the leading tenor of the Minster choir.
- </p>
- <p>
- Mr. Barton, carrying with him his three encore songs—he had come
- fully prepared to meet the preposterous demands of an enthusiastic
- audience—left Broadminster by the night train. And up to this day I
- believe that he does not know by what diabolic trick on the part of some
- one he made such a fiasco. He has been heard to declare that no persuasion
- will ever induce him to sing again in Broadminster, and, so far as I can
- gather, there is no likelihood of any machinery being set in motion to
- cause him to break his vow.
- </p>
- <p>
- I think that the claim which the musical fraternity of Broadminster
- advance respecting the moral tone of their performances, whether given
- under the patronage of the Church or not, can certainly be maintained. The
- Kreutzer Sonata has been placed on the <i>Index Expurgatorius</i> of the
- Concert Committee ever since Tolstoi wrote a foolish book pointing out
- whither that composition was likely to lead young people with a tendency
- toward voluptuousness; and when a lady of a sensitive nature but an open
- mind submitted to them a song which she had been advised to sing at a
- forthcoming concert, pointing out where in one line the writer of the
- words had, she thought, gone a little too far, they considered the matter
- with closed doors and all females excluded, and decided that her
- suspicions were but too well founded, and that the offensive line should
- be altered. This was done, and the honour of Broadminster was preserved
- intact.
- </p>
- <p>
- The name of the song was, “It was a Dream,” and the line objected to was—
- </p>
- <p>
- <br />
- </p>
- <p class="indent15">
- “We kiss'd beneath the moon's cold beam.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br />
- </p>
- <p>
- The shock of this shameless confession was mitigated by the substitution
- of the word “met” for “kiss'd”—
- </p>
- <p class="indent15">
- “We met beneath the moon's cold beam—
- </p>
- <p class="indent15">
- It was a dream—it was a dream!”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br />
- </p>
- <p>
- “Nothing could be happier than the change,” said Lady Birnam. “It left so
- much to the imagination.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0055" id="link2H_4_0055"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- II.—THE MUSICAL TABLEAUX
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">S</span>ome people have
- been heard to affirm that there is too much music going on at
- Broadminster. There may perhaps be some grounds for the assumption. At any
- rate, it is certain that of late few concerts contributed to solely by
- local talent have paid their expenses. The opinion seems to be general
- that when the vocalists can be heard every day of the week free of charge
- in the Minster, people are unwilling to pay three shillings, two
- shillings, or even (back seats, unreserved) one shilling for listening to
- them at a concert.
- </p>
- <p>
- Some time ago, however, when the annual Coal Fund was started, it was
- absolutely necessary to get up a concert to make a contribution to this
- excellent charity; and Lady Birnam undertook the direction of the affair.
- </p>
- <p>
- After consultation with some friends from a distance who were supposed to
- have sounded all the depths of schemes for the relief of “deserving
- objects,” she came to the conclusion that music, illustrated by <i>tableaux
- vivants</i>, offered the greatest lure to the public. Such a combination
- had never been attempted in the town, and its novelty would make an appeal
- to the jaded palates of a concert-ridden community.
- </p>
- <p>
- The plan of illustrating the music was quite a simple one. Certain
- dramatic songs were selected and scenery painted to form a suitable
- background for the episode treated in each; an illustrative group was
- arranged against such a background, and when the curtain was raised after
- the singing of each stanza it was like looking at the pictorial cover of
- the song itself.
- </p>
- <p>
- For instance, in “The Village Blacksmith” the baritone sang the first
- stanza, up went the curtain, and there appeared on the platform a living
- picture of the smith, brawny arms and all, in the act of raising a hammer
- to strike a very red-hot horseshoe. The next stanza sung was that which
- referred to the children looking in on the smithy, and when it was sung a
- charming picture was displayed of immaculate children standing around the
- door, while the smith neglected his work to pat them on the hair. The
- third tableau showed the interior of a church with the smith in the family
- pew raising his eyes pathetically as he hears his daughter's voice in the
- choir.
- </p>
- <p>
- The idea seemed a very pleasing one, and it had the “draw” of novelty
- about it. It was found that several good songs lent themselves admirably
- to illustration by tableaux, and the young men and maidens were pleased to
- have the chance of posing in aid of a deserving charity. It so happened,
- however, that Mr. Stamford's mother died only a few days before the date
- of the first public performance, so that he was forced to remove his name
- from the programme. He was to sing “She wore a Wreath of Roses,” and the
- three groups that were arranged for the song were expected to be among the
- most effective of the evening.
- </p>
- <p>
- Mr. Stamford was very sorry to relinquish his intention of singing, but he
- promised the Committee to provide the best substitute possible to get, and
- this was a friend of his who occupied a position in a bank at Mallingham.
- He promised to communicate with this gentleman and to tell him what he was
- to do. He was sure to know “She wore a Wreath of Roses.” The substitute
- turned up in good time: there was, of course, no need for a rehearsal! Mr.
- Stamford had told him what he was to do, he said, and he preferred playing
- his own accompaniment.
- </p>
- <p>
- The first two sets of the evening were received with every token of
- approval by the audience: the songs were “The Village Blacksmith” and
- Pinsuti's “Night Watch”; and then the charming young lady in mid Victorian
- dress, and with a wreath of pink roses on her dark hair, posed on the daïs
- against a suitable background. The signal was given to the tenor, who was
- seated at the piano behind the curtain. He struck a few chords and began
- in excellent style.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br />
- </p>
- <p class="indent15">
- “Here a sheer hulk lies poor Tom Bowling.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br />
- </p>
- <p>
- He had actually got to the end of the first stanza before it dawned upon
- any responsible person that this was not the “Wreath of Roses,” and before
- he could be arrested he had declared that
- </p>
- <p>
- <br />
- </p>
- <p class="indent15">
- “Faithful below he did his du-i-ty,
- </p>
- <p class="indent15">
- And now-ow he's gaw-aw-en aloft.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br />
- </p>
- <p>
- Up went the curtain, revealing a refreshing picture of the pretty girl in
- the muslin dress and the pink wreath, and after the usual interval for
- applause the curtain fell. Never had the applause been louder: it caused
- the members of the Committee who were preparing to strangle the singer to
- lose their heads completely, and the singer was well through the second
- stanza before they recovered themselves sufficiently to perceive that it
- was now too late to do anything, and he went on complacently to say that
- </p>
- <p>
- <br />
- </p>
- <p class="indent15">
- “Tom never from his word departed——”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br />
- </p>
- <p>
- and so on through the simple, pathetic stanza; and then the curtain rose
- and showed the charming young lady in white satin among her bridesmaids at
- the door of the church, and once again the applause was rapturous.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Heavens above! what do the fools mean by applauding?” whispered the
- chairman of the Committee.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Let them go on if they please,” said some one. “They think that this is
- Tom Bowling's bride—his fidelity is rewarded, that's the moral
- illustrated. 'Tom never from his word departed'—there you are, you
- see. 'His heart was kind and soft,' and the combined virtues have their
- reward—<i>vide tableau.</i>”
- </p>
- <p>
- Then those of the Committee who had some sense of humour hastened into the
- anteroom to roar with laughter. They were still so engaged when the
- curtain rose for the third and last time, showing poor Tom Bowling's widow
- in appropriate garments. Having heard three times that Tom had gone aloft,
- it would have been ridiculous if any less pathetic scene had been shown to
- the audience.
- </p>
- <p>
- The decent interval that elapsed before the applause came showed how
- deeply affected was the audience.
- </p>
- <p>
- But the singer at the piano was pounced upon by the Committee and
- prevented from going on with his song. He protested that he had only sung
- three verses, and that he was bound to finish it; but the Committee were
- firm. Not another note would they let him sing, and he retired hurt.
- </p>
- <p>
- He was questioned in the anteroom as to how on earth he came to sing “Tom
- Bowling” when Mr. Stamford must have told him that his song was to be “She
- wore a Wreath of Roses.” Did not Mr. Stamford tell him that? he was asked.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Oh yes, he said that; but I wasn't going to sing that foolish,
- sentimental rot. Anybody who knows anything about music will agree with me
- in thinking that 'Tom Bowling' is worth a dozen of the other, and I'm
- supposed to sing 'Tom Bowling' rather well.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0013" id="linkimage-0013"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0255.jpg" alt="0255 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0255.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- This was the explanation given by the visitor, and it was commented on
- pretty freely by some of the Committee.
- </p>
- <p>
- But the consensus of opinion among the audience and the critics was in
- favour of the belief that the tableaux illustrating scenes in the life of
- Tom Bowling—and his widow—were the most effective of the whole
- entertainment.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0056" id="link2H_4_0056"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- III.—THE DRAMA
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>t must be obvious
- to the least experienced that such a community as may be found in an
- artistic neighbourhood like Broadminster will take kindly to amateur
- theatricals. There are two dramatic clubs in Broadminster, and their
- performances are highly appreciated by the members and their friends. The
- rivalry between the two is quite amicable, for one set of amateurs devote
- themselves to the lighter forms of the drama and the other to the loftier,
- and perhaps they might be called without offence the heavier forms. It may
- be mentioned that the former are the more popular, but those persons who
- attend the representations of the latter consider themselves the more
- superior—as indeed they are; otherwise they would have accorded the
- tribute of a sunny smile to a little bit of dialogue, with accompanying
- action, which took place in a performance of <i>King Renes Daughter</i>
- which it was my privilege to attend.
- </p>
- <p>
- At one place the King and the Moorish physician have had a long scene
- together, for the physician is certainly inclined to be long-winded. They
- go out together, and a couple of the courtiers enter the garden and
- express surprise not to find the others waiting for them. One of them says—
- </p>
- <p>
- “The King is gone, nor can I see the leech.”
- </p>
- <p>
- Now, if the amateur had simply said the words, his meaning, I believe,
- unless I am over-sanguine, would have been understood. But when, after
- shading his eyes with a hand while he gazed into the distance of stately
- trees and saying, “The King is gone,” he bent his eyes to the ground and
- moved a stone or two about with his toe before adding, “Nor can I see the
- leech,” I am inclined to think he puzzled some of his audience.
- </p>
- <p>
- I had the curiosity to inquire what was in his mind when he sent his eyes
- roaming about the ground while he grubbed with his feet, and I learned
- that he thought it would be quite natural for any one searching for a
- leech to move the stones about to see if it was concealing itself in the
- earth.
- </p>
- <p>
- He was evidently under the impression that the wise physician was
- habitually followed by a pet leech, or perhaps that he had brought it with
- him to try what effect it would have upon the Princess's eyes, and that it
- had escaped through a hole in his waistcoat pocket.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0014" id="link2HCH0014"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER FOURTEEN—THE LIGHTER SIDE OF CLERICAL LIFE
- </h2>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0058" id="link2H_4_0058"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- I.—THE FRANK CANON
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> DO NOT THINK
- THAT, TAKING THEM all round, the Cathedral dignitaries of Broadminster can
- be accused of assuming a greater importance than is due to their position;
- but a story is told about a Canon, lately deceased, which goes far to
- prove that he at least did not shrink from putting forward what he
- believed to be a reasonable claim to distinction—relative
- distinction. It is said that he was in the one bookseller's shop which is
- still to be found in the town. It was Saturday evening, when a stranger
- entered and, after buying a book, inquired of the proprietor who was the
- best preacher in the place: he explained that he was staying over Sunday
- and was anxious to hear the best.
- </p>
- <p>
- This was too delicate a question for the bookseller (with a clergyman at
- his elbow) to answer at a moment's notice; so he thought he would do well
- to evade the responsibility by referring the stranger to the Canon.
- </p>
- <p>
- “This gentleman is a stranger to the town, sir,” he said, “and he wishes
- to know who is the best preacher. I thought that perhaps you, sir——”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I hope you will pardon me, sir,” said the stranger. “I am staying here
- till Monday, and I ventured to inquire who is the best preacher.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “The best preacher, sir?” said the Canon, looking up from the book which
- he was sampling. “The best preacher? I am the best preacher, sir: I am
- Canon Hillman.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The stranger was slightly startled.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Thank you very much, sir,” he said quickly. “And who do you consider the
- next best?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “The next best is my brother, sir, the Reverend Theophilus Hillman.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The stranger raised his hat and hurried away.
- </p>
- <p>
- This Canon Hillman had a reputation for that sort of frankness suggested
- by the story which I have ventured to repeat as it was told to me, and
- which I have no difficulty in believing, from the example I had of his
- manner several years ago. I was sojourning at an hotel between Nice and
- Beaulieu, and he appeared one night at table d'hôte dinner. It was the
- custom for the proprietor, who, curiously enough, did not speak or
- understand English, though he was a Swiss, to stand at the entrance to the
- <i>salle à manger</i>, bowing out his guests as they passed into the
- spacious lounge after dinner, and in returning his courtesy, people said a
- word or two in commendation of his cuisine, to which he responded with
- further bows.
- </p>
- <p>
- It so happened upon this particular night, however, that one or two little
- mistakes had occurred to mar the harmony of the repast as a whole—they
- were quite trifles—the <i>pré salé</i> being underdone and a jelly
- not having set with that rigidity which is expected in such comestibles,
- but which is not always to be found in them.
- </p>
- <p>
- While we were filing out of the room I was almost immediately behind Canon
- Hillman, and I heard him grumbling to a man who had been at his table, but
- who did not seem to sympathise with him; and this went on until they had
- reached the bowing proprietor, when the Canon stopped.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I wish to tell you, sir, that I have never eaten a worse dinner at any
- hotel in my life,” he said. “There was not a dish that any one could eat—I
- consider it simply outrageous.”
- </p>
- <p>
- Not one word did the man understand, for the Canon had spoken in English.
- The proprietor smiled and bowed most placidly, saying—“<i>Je vous
- remercie mille fois, m'sieur—votre compliment est très distingué—très
- gracieux; je suis heureux—merci!</i>”
- </p>
- <p>
- He had too hastily assumed that the clergyman had offered him the usual
- congratulations upon his cuisine, and he had replied with more than his
- customary politeness, the visitor having shown himself to be much more
- enthusiastic than the ordinary run of people had time to be, considering
- that most of them were counting the moments until they should be in the
- Casino at Monte Carlo.
- </p>
- <p>
- I did not know who the very frank clergyman was at that time; but four or
- five years later I recognised him at Broadminster.
- </p>
- <p>
- His brother, the second best preacher, assuming the correctness of the
- Canon's judgment, though perhaps it might have been reversed on appeal,
- was rector of one of the parishes, and it was rumoured that he was not
- disposed at any time to take too humble a view of his claims to
- distinction, however slow other people might be to admit their validity.
- It is said that upon one occasion, on his return from a visit to the Holy
- Land, he preached a sermon giving some striking examples of the fulfilment
- of prophecy in connection with the topography of Palestine.
- </p>
- <p>
- “My dear friends,” he said, “I was particularly struck with the accuracy
- of some of the details of the prophecies, when one day I was among the
- ruins of one of those cities referred to in the Sacred Writings. I had the
- Book in my hand, and I read that the land should be in heaps: I looked up,
- and there were heaps on every side. I read that the bittern should cry
- there: I looked up, and, lo, a bittern was standing there in its
- loneliness. I read that the minister of the Lord should mourn there. My
- dear friends, <i>I was that minister</i>.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0059" id="link2H_4_0059"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- II.—THE “CHARPSON”
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he only clergyman
- in Broadminster who, so far as I have heard, was fully qualified to take a
- place in one of the Barchester groups was a person named Gilliman. He was
- a small, stout gentleman with a comical ruddy face and sparse, bristly
- grizzly hair. He had no benefice, but was one of those unattached parsons
- who, in the phrase of the servants' registry office, was ready to “oblige”
- either by the day or as locum tenens for an absent incumbent. He had been
- left a small competence by his mother—quite enough for a clerical
- bachelor to live on, and he was a bachelor. He never sought for a job, but
- when he got one he proved that he held fast to the excellent precept that
- the labourer is worthy of his hire. If any brother parson expected that he
- would take his duty out of love or zeal, that parson left himself open to
- disappointment. I think he would have made a worthy curate to Mr.
- Quiverful; but Mr. Quiverful would have felt so chastened in spirit by his
- proximity that he would have got rid of him within a month.
- </p>
- <p>
- He was a zealous patron of the amateur, whether musical or dramatic. He
- could always be depended on to buy one of the cheaper, but never one of
- the cheapest, tickets for a concert or a comedy, and he seemed as pleased
- with the most incompetent amateur as with the best. He was socially
- unambitious; no one seemed to invite him to any function, with the
- exception of the Dean's annual garden party: he went to this, and so did
- every one else.
- </p>
- <p>
- It was not until he had been a resident in Broad-minster for several years
- that people found out why he had settled in that town. It might be
- supposed that there were enough clergymen here to serve as a reservoir for
- all the neighbourhood in an emergency. I once heard an American lady who
- was on a cathedral tour through Europe say just outside Santa Croce on a
- feast day: “There are priests to burn in Florence if I do my sums right.”
- Her slang meant that there was a superfluity of the clergy in that city,
- and perhaps she was right. I will not make use of her slang in referring
- to Broadminster, but assuredly it might strike anyone that there was a
- sufficient number of clerics in the purlieu of the Minster to meet the
- needs of the neighbourhood without making the presence of so accommodating
- a person as Mr. Gilliman a convenience. In an unguarded moment, however,
- he confessed to some one that years ago, when he had first come to the
- town, it was his earnest hope to drop into some vacant stall in the
- Minster. He had dreams of being appointed to a canonry by some fortunate
- combination of circumstances, and he had gone on waiting for such an
- accident, and meantime attending all the amateur performances in the
- place.
- </p>
- <p>
- He was a very good preacher, people said who had heard him, and others who
- had not heard him; but few were aware of how he managed to excel in a
- direction that seemed just the opposite to the bent of such a man. The
- truth was that his father had been a zealous rector of a parish in
- Devonshire, and had bequeathed to him a large sackful of sermons that he
- had preached to his flock since his ordination; and when the fortunate
- legatee was called on “to oblige” for an absent cleric, he simply put his
- hand into the mouth of the sack and drew out a sermon, put it into his
- pocket, and went away and preached it in due course, dropping it into his
- sermon sack on his return. Thus it was that people said he preached much
- better than they expected—and he probably did so; but he could not
- tell you the next day on what subject he had preached.
- </p>
- <p>
- That legacy and his impartial system of dealing with it served him in good
- stead; but upon one occasion it might have caused him to feel some
- awkwardness if he had not been so completely detached from his duty in the
- pulpit. The fact was that he had been called away at a moment's notice to
- take the duty for a clergyman who had knocked himself up by umpiring in a
- cricket match on a very hot Saturday. He had never been to the place
- before, so he had to look up trains and connections, and by the time he
- had got out of this maze the train that he had selected was almost ready
- to start. He hurried to the faithful sack and pulled out a fat sermon
- roll, and rushed away for the station.
- </p>
- <p>
- He was lucky in catching the train and the subsequent connections, and
- arrived at the church with nearly half an hour to spare. He went through
- the service and found himself in the pulpit with his sermon opened on the
- cushion in front of him.
- </p>
- <p>
- Now it so happened that the discourse which he had drawn in his usual way
- from the paternal sack was the valedictory sermon preached by his father
- in the church of which he had been rector for forty years, and there was
- the son beginning it in a church which he had never seen before that
- morning!
- </p>
- <p>
- He was quite unconscious of any want of felicity in his choice. He began
- the sermon and went through with it, feeling no qualm. He had every
- confidence in the orthodoxy of his father; he would never get into a
- scrape through preaching what the dear old man had preached years ago. And
- so he went onto tell his congregation that more than forty years had
- passed since he had first stood before them to preach the Gospel of Truth,
- and that every year of that forty he had stood where he was standing
- to-day, Sunday after Sunday—that he saw before him aged men and
- women whom he had known as young men and maidens—that by the favour
- of Heaven he had lived to baptize the offspring of those whom he had
- himself baptized in their infancy—yea, unto the third generation he
- had come, and now he was standing before them for the last time. The hour
- of parting had come, and would any among them say that that hour was not
- bitter to them all?
- </p>
- <p>
- Well, no one did go so far as to assert that the hour was not bitter to
- them all. I was assured that the congregation were bathed in tears, so
- affected were they by the thought that the clergyman who had “obliged” for
- the day was about to vacate the pulpit for ever. They felt the blow deeply—much
- more deeply than the parson seemed to feel it, for he managed to hold back
- his tears so long as he was in the pulpit, though his marvellous powers of
- self-repression may have deserted him an hour later, and he may have
- broken down utterly in the train when making the return journey; the
- chances are, however, that he did nothing of the sort, for he had not the
- remotest idea what the sermon had been about.
- </p>
- <p>
- And the strangest thing of all in connection with this incident is that
- the churchwardens expressed themselves as greatly pleased with the sermon,
- and one of them referring to it the next day in the hearing of my
- informant, said he had never been so affected in his life as he was under
- the influence of the sermon, and he hoped that the eloquent clergyman
- would be able to preach it again in the near future.
- </p>
- <p>
- It is quite likely that his wish was gratified, though I do not think that
- any one who had the best interests of the Church at heart would advocate
- the adoption of the farewell tours system of the popular actor or singer
- by the clergy. It might hurt the susceptibilities of some members of a
- congregation to hear a clergyman bid an affecting farewell to a crowd of
- people who were complete strangers to him, and the sincerity of his sorrow
- might be called in question when they reflected that an ordinary man can
- scarcely be broken-hearted at the thought of never seeing again the faces
- he had never seen before. But that, of course, involves the question of
- how far the susceptibilities of the weaker brethren should be considered.
- </p>
- <p>
- My informant, who was present upon the occasion referred to, was also a
- stranger to the place. He was staying with the doctor's family, and,
- walking home from the church, the doctor's wife remarked how beautiful the
- sermon had been.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Your rector bears his age very well,” said her companion. “He does not
- look a day over forty, and yet, according to his own account, he must be
- at least sixty-five.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Our rector? But that clergyman is not our rector,” said the lady. “Our
- rector is ill; the one we had today came to do duty for him. He is a
- stranger.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “But why, then, should he talk of having baptized half the congregation
- and married the other half—of never having been absent from the
- pulpit for forty years and more?” asked the man.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Oh, you are hypercritical!” cried the lady. “Some latitude should be
- allowed to clergymen. He only made use of one of the figures of speech of
- the pulpit.”
- </p>
- <p>
- It is recorded of the same estimable charpson—if a parson who also
- discharges the duties of a squire has been called a squarson, may not one
- who goes out like a charwoman by the day be called a charpson?—that
- upon one occasion he was asked to do duty for an absent clergyman at a
- village in Hampshire, but the contract was for the morning service only.
- When he was disrobing in the vestry after preaching the ser mon, a couple
- of churchwardens approached him on the subject of the evening service
- also. He said that he would be very pleased indeed to take the evening
- service, but of course he should have to receive another guinea. The
- churchwardens demurred. They said they thought that, as he was on the spot——
- </p>
- <p>
- He shook his head.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I cannot see that that has anything to do with the case,” said the
- clergyman. “One service and sermon, one guinea; two services and two
- sermons, two guineas.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The officials agreed that the article was marked in plain figures; but
- still they thought—— Well, would he consent to take the
- evening service for another half-guinea?
- </p>
- <p>
- After thinking over the proposal, the clergyman consented to do so; and
- then one of the wardens suggested that perhaps Mr. Gilliman would not mind
- saying just a few words—not a sermon—not a regular sermon, of
- course, but just a few words—to the congregation after the evening
- service.
- </p>
- <p>
- After some further thought Mr. Gilliman said he would have no objection to
- say a few words in this way, and the wardens thanked him and handed him a
- sovereign, a half-sovereign, a shilling, and a sixpence. They went so far
- as to pay him for the evening in advance, to show that they had unlimited
- confidence in him.
- </p>
- <p>
- On his part he resolved to prove to them that their confidence in him was
- not misplaced; so, after reading the evening service, he came to the front
- of the altar-rails and said—
- </p>
- <p>
- “Dear brethren, I have been asked to say a few words to you at this time
- instead of preaching the customary sermon. What I wish to say to each and
- every one of you whom I see assembled before me—and what I think it
- is the intention of your churchwardens that I should communicate to you—is
- that there will be no sermon in this church to-night. Let us sing, to the
- praise and glory of God, the ninety-second Hymn.”
- </p>
- <p>
- He easily caught the late train to London, though the evening service in
- respect of trains is much more irregular than that at which he had
- presided in the church.
- </p>
- <p>
- The Reverend Herbert Gilliman, B.A.Oxon, never received preferment; but
- some one remarked to me after his death, when touching on his career, that
- far less worthy parsons had been appointed to a cure of souls by the
- patrons of livings, without the parishioners having any voice whatever in
- the matter.
- </p>
- <p>
- I agreed with him, and said that I thought they managed these things
- better in Scotland, where the candidate minister preached once or twice to
- the congregation to allow of their judging of his powers before they
- accepted him.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Yes,” he assented. “I think that the application of the hire-purchase
- system in these matters is highly desirable.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “It's not exactly the hire-purchase system,” said a purist in phrases. “It
- is more of the 'on sale or return' system of business.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “What was in my mind,” said a third, “was a tasting order for spirits in
- bond.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0060" id="link2H_4_0060"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- III.—THE BIBLE CLASS
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> prefaced my
- repetition of passages in the career of the Reverend Herbert Gilliman with
- an expression of my belief that he was the only cleric in Broadminster who
- suggested to me one of the slightly shop-soiled clergymen in Anthony
- Trollope's Barchester novels. Of the ladies of the Close or the ladies of
- the Palace I have never heard of one who, in the remotest degree,
- suggested a relationship with Mrs. Proudie.
- </p>
- <p>
- I have heard, however, of the recent appearance of a lady, who is said to
- have an intimate acquaintance with the Greek language, at the weekly
- meeting of the Bible class, presided over by the Dean, who, it is said,
- has also got some knowledge of the same tongue. The Minster Bible class is
- one of the most exclusive of lady's clubs. It is understood that no one is
- eligible for membership who has not been presented at Court—at least
- so some one, who was not a member, affirmed. Another defined it as a sort
- of religious Almack's; but it was a man, and a clergyman into the bargain,
- who said it was an attempt to run an eighteenth-century French salon on
- Church of England lines.
- </p>
- <p>
- Without resembling Mrs. Proudie in even the most distant way, the lady of
- whom I have heard has succeeded, I am told, in changing the whole
- character of the Bible class—all through her knowledge of Greek.
- Without being in any way insolent or even self-assertive, she has, I think
- I am right in stating, openly differed from the interpretation put upon
- certain passages by the Dean himself; and no human being in Broadminster
- is recorded to have differed from the Dean on any point whatsoever. But
- she was a stranger and apparently unacquainted with the best traditions of
- the town; and, moreover, it was the Dean himself who invited her to join
- the Bible class. And when she suggests quite a different interpretation of
- a text from that advanced by the Dean, referring him to certain of the
- newest “readings” as her authority, he does not seem to be in the least
- irritated; indeed, on one occasion, when the question arose as to the
- exact shade of St. Paul's meaning when he made use of the particle <i>ôi</i>,
- the Dean was understood to say that he thought the lady's suggestion well
- worthy of consideration.
- </p>
- <p>
- All the higher orders of the clerical establishment—those who are,
- so to speak, “on the strength” of the Chapter—those to whom the
- great Lord Shaftesbury would have given, without the reservation of a
- single finger, his whole hand to shake—are not, however, so meek as
- Mr. Dean, and it is whispered that two or three of them have recently been
- keeping the Bible class at a distance, while others, in view of being
- called on to preside at one of its meetings, have been seen searching on
- their bookshelves for Liddell and Scott and blowing the dust off the
- edges.
- </p>
- <p>
- All the old members of the class are declaring, however, that in future
- they will make complete ignorance of Greek an essential to membership. The
- very existence of a Bible class assumes ignorance, and no one has any
- business to belong to it who is capable of differing from the Dean, or, at
- least, who is sufficiently tactless to express such a divergence of
- opinion even though she may be sure of her ground.
- </p>
- <p>
- Such a show of feeling in this matter goes far to assure Broadminster that
- there is no chance of Mrs. Proudie being tolerated in the diocese.
- </p>
- <p>
- When I was walking down the principal street of Broadminster—the
- street on which the leading silversmith and the leading draper have their
- premises—there went past a very high carriage. I hesitate to refer
- to it as “well appointed,” this chapter not being one of a novel, and,
- besides, I do not quite know what is meant by a well-appointed carriage;
- but the vehicle to which I refer was high, its horses were well matched
- and good steppers, and the coachman and footman were also a match pair.
- The young person with whom I was walking bowed to the occupants of the
- carriage—a young cleric and an extremely goodlooking and
- well-dressed lady.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Nice looking people,” I ventured to remark. “You know them, it would
- appear.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Know them? I should think I do know them: he is our curate,” replied my
- companion, who was, I may mention, the daughter of a clergyman.
- </p>
- <p>
- “The Church is looking up when curates sit behind high-stepping bays,”
- said I.
- </p>
- <p>
- “He is the best curate we ever had,” said she. “He is the most obliging
- man ever known. He never grumbles at having to take both services some
- Sundays and to preach as well—a splendid preacher, too—never
- longer than a quarter of an hour.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Anything else?” I inquired.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Yes,” she said slowly and with something of awe in her voice. “He is a
- one bisquer at croquet!”
- </p>
- <p>
- I tried to catch sight of the carriage and its bays, but it must have been
- a mile away by this time.
- </p>
- <p>
- “And he does all that out of the hundred and fifty pounds a year your
- father pays him?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “He does indeed, eked out by the five thousand a year his father left him:
- his father was Sir Edmund Bonnewell, the great contractor. You have heard
- of him?”
- </p>
- <p>
- I had.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0061" id="link2H_4_0061"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- IV.—THE ENCYCLOPÆDIC PARSON
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span>t is impossible
- that every one should be fully informed on all points even in so
- enlightened a community as Broadminster; but there is one clergyman who
- has a reputation for being the most artful fisherman in the Close, and of
- being always able to answer any question that may be put to him by the
- most casual inquirer. I heard him discussing the origin of a fire that had
- taken place in the town a few days before, and, as is usual in these days,
- it was said to have been due to a short circuit in the electric wires.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I have often wondered what a short circuit is,” said a lady. “Can you
- tell me what it is, Mr. Tomlinson?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “A short circuit? Oh, it's very simple,” said the fully informed parson.
- “A short circuit is when—when—oh yes, when it is only a very
- short way from the electric lamp to where the wire is joined on to the
- cable.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “And that causes the fire?” she asked.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Oh, of course—it is bound to, sooner or later.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I wonder why they don't make it longer then.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Oh, that's the way they scamp everything nowadays.”
- </p>
- <p>
- Only a few days had passed before I heard him telling another lady of the
- good luck that had attended the pottering about bookstalls indulged in by
- a brother parson in a neighbouring town.
- </p>
- <p>
- “He wrote to me a few days ago, to tell me that he had picked up a genuine
- 'Breeches' Bible for sixpence,” he said; “and only a short time before he
- bought a fine Aldine for fourpence. What luck!”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Extraordinary,” said the lady. “I'm afraid that I forget what a
- 'Breeches' Bible is, Mr. Tomlinson.” He laughed good-naturedly.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Pray, what is a 'Breeches' Bible?” she asked coaxingly.
- </p>
- <p>
- He was quite ready for her.
- </p>
- <p>
- “A 'Breeches' Bible?” he cried. “Oh, a 'Breeches' Bible is the one that
- was carried by Cromwell's troopers in their pockets; it was made specially
- for carrying about—small, you know, and compact. I remember reading
- that several of the soldiers had their lives saved owing to the bullets
- having lodged in the volume in their breeches pocket.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Not really?” said the lady. “How very interesting! I do believe that I
- heard something like that having happened, I forget where.”
- </p>
- <p>
- I wondered if the Reverend Mr. Tomlinson was not, after all, something of
- a humourist—if he was not engaged in that delicate dynamic operation
- known as “pulling her leg.” I had good reason to know some time
- afterwards, however, that there was no foundation for my suspicion in this
- direction. He spoke what he imagined must be true, and he was too lazy to
- verify his own conclusions.
- </p>
- <p>
- When the lady asked him—
- </p>
- <p>
- “And what might be the real value of one of those Bibles?” he replied—
- </p>
- <p>
- “Anything from a thousand pounds up. I believe that one was bought by an
- American a short time ago for over four thousand pounds.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “What! Not really? A thousand pounds?” she cried. “Will you kindly give me
- his address? I must write to him for a subscription for our new bells.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “For goodness' sake don't tell him that you heard of his good luck from
- me,” cried Mr. Tomlinson.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0062" id="link2H_4_0062"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- V.—THE ALMONERS
- </h2>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0014" id="linkimage-0014"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0281.jpg" alt="0281 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0281.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he recognised
- Church charities of Broadminster are numerous and constantly increasing.
- To be connected in some way with a charitable organisation seems to offer
- an irresistible attraction to some people, chiefly ladies; and every now
- and again a new lady starts up in Church circles with a new scheme of
- compelling people to accept alms or the equivalent, or of increasing the
- usefulness of the Church. The amount of time these masterful persons
- expend in reading papers embodying the most appalling of platitudes of
- sentiment, and betraying even a more astounding ignorance of political
- economy than a Chancellor of the Exchequer has ever revealed in a Budget
- speech, is astounding. All these papers, so far as I can gather, assume
- that only what their patrons call “the lower classes” stand in need of the
- reforms they suggest. They take it for granted that a cottage-mother, who
- has had perhaps thirty years' experience of making a pound a week do duty
- for twenty-five shillings, stands in need of instruction at the hands of a
- mansion-mother who cannot keep out of debt with an income of a thousand a
- year.
- </p>
- <p>
- If I were a person in authority with a voice in framing the conditions
- which must be conformed with by all ladies who put themselves forward in
- the advocacy of some of these great social schemes, I would decree that no
- lady who uses a tortoiseshell lorgnette with a long handle should be
- permitted to read a paper, or to receive the <i>laissez-passer</i> of any
- organisation to a house the valuation of which is less than twenty-five
- pounds a year. As a medium of insulting patronage, nothing that has ever
- been invented approaches in power this particular weapon in the
- well-gloved hands of a well-furred, middle-aged lady who studies with some
- reason all advertisements addressed to those with a tendency to stoutness.
- (I have gone a long way about to avoid hurting the susceptibilities of any
- one.)
- </p>
- <p>
- Only once did I see an attack with this weapon successfully repulsed.
- There was an extremely pretty girl in the centre of the drawing-room, when
- a couple of those ladies whose existence I have hinted at entered and
- immediately began a frontal attack through the glazed tortoiseshell with
- the long handles, and the little forced smiles that accompanied the
- movement showed them to be old campaigners. They brought the pretty girl
- into focus, conning her from head to foot and exchanging whispered
- comments upon the result of their scrutiny. The girl saw them, and, to
- paraphrase the poet, they “by tact of trade were well aware that that girl
- knew they were looking at her”; but that fact had no effect upon them.
- They continued their scrutiny and their whisperings, and I saw the girl's
- face become rosy. But then I saw that she was “limbering up” and would go
- into action in a moment.
- </p>
- <p>
- She did. She was talking to an elder lady, who might have been her mother,
- and the latter had one of the same long-handled glasses lying on her muff.
- In an instant the girl had possessed herself of it, slipped it off its
- swivel, and was using it precisely as the others were using theirs, only
- returning their fire, so to speak. Then she whispered something over her
- hand to her companion, who laughed outright. That was enough for the
- attacking force: their battery was silenced; but the girl refused to
- withdraw, and for quite five minutes, I think, they were well aware that
- her eyes were upon them. Wherever they went they felt that they were still
- within her range, and that her innocent smile was playing about them. I
- never saw two more uneasy ladies in my life, and I trust that they learned
- their lesson.
- </p>
- <p>
- The most singular point in this connection is that the girl was known to
- her friends as shy and retiring by nature—a less self-assertive girl
- could not be imagined. It seems to me that there is a lesson to be learned
- from this fact in addition to that which it is to be hoped she taught her
- elders, who certainly did not possess her shyness: it is the lesson of the
- rousing of a feminine instinct of defence, which is exhibited in another
- form when the defence is that of offspring. Even the most timid feminine
- thing will act in direct opposition to its reputed nature when called on
- to defend its young; and even the most retiring girl may assume an
- offensive attitude under the provocation of poised tortoiseshell and
- elevated eyebrows.
- </p>
- <p>
- But I am pretty sure that that nice girl, when she went home and was alone
- in her room, sang no song of Miriam as she recalled her triumph. No, if
- she did not shed some tears at the thought of how she had behaved in so
- unaccountable away, I am greatly mistaken.
- </p>
- <p>
- The comedy of the administration of charity has yet to be written; but
- when such a work is taken in hand I trust that a chapter will be devoted
- to the self-denying industry of the Misses Gifford. These two elderly
- ladies are the daughters of a deceased jerry-builder, and they enjoy a
- large income, the greater portion of which is derived from insanitary
- house property; and they are devoted to good works, including the
- amelioration of the condition of the poor. Every year they issue
- invitations to a show of their good works at their own house, and these
- are found to take the form of coarsely knitted woollen socks, thick
- mufflers made of the cheapest materials, petticoats constructed out of
- blankets that have been consigned to the rag-basket, and aprons out of
- tablecloths that have been rescued from the dustbin. Some of the articles
- of clothing seem to represent in themselves the heterogeneousness of a
- jumble sale, and all are cheap, shoddy, and shapeless. And yet this pair
- of feminine philanthropists show all comers round the room where they are
- exhibited with sparkling eyes and faces glowing with proper pride at the
- result of their industry. They worry the local newspapers for a paragraph
- that shall make all the world acquainted with their benevolence, and now
- and again their importunity is rewarded.
- </p>
- <p>
- What becomes of the conglomeration of horrors which they create in the
- name of charity no one seems to know; but it is impossible to imagine any
- self-respecting family so far forgetting what is due to themselves as to
- wear such things. For themselves, it is well known that the Misses Gifford
- never forget what is due to them, or to insist on its payment on the day
- that it becomes due. They have a brother who, without being an active
- philanthropist, is well worthy of them. He collects the rents from their
- insanitary tenements, and he does so with a ruthless hand. There is no
- measure of bluff or bluster of which he is not a master. But there are
- scores of people in their own town who see the dear old maiden ladies in
- church and say that they remind them of <i>Cranford</i> and <i>Quality
- Street!</i>
- </p>
- <p>
- But knowing as I did a good deal about them, I was reminded more of an
- earlier work still in which the devourers of widows' houses were said to
- be Pharisees as well. Such a pair of feminine Pharisees as those whom I
- call the Misses Gifford—Gifford is not, of course, their real name—are
- hardly to be found outside their own town.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0015" id="link2HCH0015"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER FIFTEEN—THE CROQUET LAWNS
- </h2>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0064" id="link2H_4_0064"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- I.—A CONGENIAL PURSUIT
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">N</span>O MENTION OF
- BURFORD WOULD BE complete unless two-thirds of the account were given over
- to its croquet ground and its croquet practitioners.
- </p>
- <p>
- An exhaustive, or even a perfunctory, reference to sport is out of place
- in any description of the lighter side of life in the provinces, for
- people in all levels of life take their games very seriously, and croquet,
- as played nowadays, is the most serious of pursuits. Clergymen who
- practise it habitually seek for relaxation from the strain its seriousness
- imposes on them in the pages of the Fathers. It is a matter of common
- knowledge that a clergyman in charge of a parish in Burford invariably
- writes out his sermons during the three-ball breaks of his opponents. It
- is supposed to be <i>de rigueur</i> for a player who has let his, or her,
- opponent 'in' to take no interest whatever in that opponent's strokes when
- making a break. It is supposed that if you pay any attention to your
- opponent's play you may put him, or her, off; and so scrupulous are some
- players lest they should put an antagonist off, they occasionally stroll
- off the court and return with a bored look only when they are sent for.
- But the chivalry of the habitual croquet players really knows no bounds.
- Another of their characteristics is absolutely quixotic. It takes the form
- of walking off the court as if the game were already finished when an
- opponent has yet to make three or four hoops before pegging-out; the
- object of such a move being, of course, to give an opponent more
- confidence at a critical moment.
- </p>
- <p>
- It is a doubtful point, however, and I have never heard it decided by a
- referee, if this object is likely to be effected by a losing player
- breaking the handle of her mallet across her knee when she has failed to
- shoot in; though one cannot doubt that only a spirit of self-denial
- actuates such a player as makes a point of placing in the form of pennies
- on a chair, at the opposite side of the court from where she sits, the
- bisques to which her opponent is entitled, thus putting herself to the
- trouble of walking across, interrupting her opponent's play when the
- latter had taken a bisque, in order to remove one of the pennies.
- </p>
- <p>
- The people who sneer at croquet are those who have no knowledge of the
- game as played nowadays on such courts as there are at Broadminster. There
- is no more scientific game, nor is there one that demands a more unerring
- judgment, a steadier hand, or a clearer eye.
- </p>
- <p>
- Croquet seems to be the ideal game for the freak, the cripple, or the
- aged. One of the best players in the neighbourhood is the chaplain to a
- lunatic asylum. He has a large amount of practice.
- </p>
- <p>
- During the past few years the champion lawns have been invaded by
- schoolboys and schoolgirls, with the result that some of the best prizes
- have been carried off by them.
- </p>
- <p>
- I cannot imagine a more melancholy sight than that of half a dozen healthy
- boys, who should be at cricket or lawn-tennis, solemnly and slowly
- knocking the balls through the hoops and stolidly going through the
- operations of “peeling,” “laying up,” “wiring,” and the like.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0065" id="link2H_4_0065"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- II.—THE PLAYERS
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">B</span>ut even croquet
- has its lighter moments. I witnessed a match some time ago between a
- well-set-up cavalry officer (retired with the rank of Major-General) and a
- cub of a lad—a slouching, hulking fellow whose gait showed that he
- had never had a day's athletic training. The boy won and went grinning off
- the lawns. His mother received him with grins, and the General walked away
- in the direction of the river. It occurred to me that people should keep
- an eye upon him. But he did not even fling his mallet into the stream.
- </p>
- <p>
- He turned up a little later at another court, and this time he was
- victorious.
- </p>
- <p>
- But against whom?
- </p>
- <p>
- Against a stout elderly lady crippled with rheumatism; and he just managed
- to beat her through making a lucky shot!
- </p>
- <p>
- It seems to me to be marvellous that, with the possibilities of such
- humiliation before players, any except the decrepit should be found
- willing to take part in tournaments.
- </p>
- <p>
- There can be no doubt, however, as to the absorbing power of croquet upon
- certain temperaments. I have met an elderly lady of Early Victorian
- proportions who, I am positive, can recollect the details of every match
- she has ever played. If she were not able to do so she would sometimes be
- compelled to sit in silence, for to her conversation means nothing beyond
- a recapitulation of her croquet games. Try her as you may upon other
- topics, it is no use. She seems intensely bored if you touch upon the
- theatre, and to music and the other arts she is rather more than
- indifferent. Indifference might be represented as “scratch,” but her
- attitude can only be represented by a minus sign. On art she should be a
- -3, on music a -6, and on literature a -20. These are her handicaps, so
- far as I am capable of judging.
- </p>
- <p>
- She is the terror of the managers of tournaments, such a hole-and-corner
- game as she plays. She never leaves anything to chance: she invariably
- sends herself into a corner. Her most dashing game occupies four hours. It
- is said that she has strong views on the subject of assimilating the game
- of croquet with the game of cricket in regard to the duration of a match.
- If it takes three days to play a cricket match, why should not the same
- limits be extended to a croquet match? she wishes to know. The reply that
- is suggested by the people with whom she has played is that even at a
- three-day match she would complain bitterly that she was hustled by the
- managers. At present her life seems a perpetual complaint. During the
- season she grumbles her way from tournament to tournament; and when she
- seats herself by the side of an unwary person to watch a match, even
- though it is a final for the cup, she immediately begins to describe one
- of her games—it may be one that took place five years before—and
- keeps on giving detail after detail of trivialities, with a complete
- disregard of the excitements of the court where she is sitting and the
- applause of the crowd at some brilliant play—on she rumbles, unless
- her unwilling confidant rises and flies for covert. It takes her even
- longer to describe one of her games than it does to play it. Her latest
- complaint is that croquet players are becoming very unsociable, the basis
- of her charge being that when she approaches a court to sit down and watch
- a game, the people on the chairs whom she knows quite well get up and go
- away. She does not believe that in every case they do so, as was
- suggested, to give her a choice of chairs.
- </p>
- <p>
- She thinks that those should remain whom she has known for some years. It
- does not appear ever to have occurred to her that they get up and fly
- because they have known her for some years.
- </p>
- <p>
- Another <i>devotée</i> has become so absorbed in her cult as to become
- upon occasions an embarrassment to her relations. Of course no one makes
- any remark upon a player thinking of nothing besides croquet: it is
- assumed that a lady who means to become a player will not waste time
- thinking about anything else.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br />
- </p>
- <p class="indent15">
- “Man's croquet is of man's life a thing apart.
- </p>
- <p class="indent15">
- 'Tis woman's sole existence.”
- </p>
- <p>
- <br />
- </p>
- <p>
- That is acknowledged as only reasonable; but it must sometimes be
- embarrassing to the relations of this lady when at a dinner party she
- refuses an offered entrée on the ground that she is wired, or when she
- checks a neighbour for taking a meringue because he or she has previously
- been playing with the green. It appears quite feasible to me, however,
- that the green of the salad and the white of the meringue should suggest
- to a thoughtful croquet player the need for such a caution as is
- attributed to her on good authority; nor do I think it so very
- unreasonable that on allowing herself to be carried on a 'bus beyond her
- destination, through thinking out a croquet problem, she should, on being
- informed by the conductor that the vehicle went no farther, say—“What
- a fool I was not to take a bisque sooner!”
- </p>
- <p>
- It is said that this same lady caused a considerable flutter in a railway
- carriage one day when she was working out another croquet problem, and was
- heard to mutter—“Shall I shoot now?”
- </p>
- <p>
- Any time I chanced to look in at a croquet tournament on the beautiful
- lawns at Broadminster I came away with a laugh, and upon more than one
- occasion I found that the laugh was against myself. Long ago I was
- accustomed to look with a pathetic interest at the reappearance year after
- year of the beautiful mother of a beautiful daughter at the tournament.
- Surely, I thought, there could not be a more pathetic sight than that of a
- mother with a picturesque home and a husband, setting out from both, early
- in the month of June, when the rosery is becoming a paradise of blossom,
- and travelling from country town to country town and from one hotel to
- another, without intermission until October, for the sake of being by the
- side of a daughter who has given up her life to the game.
- </p>
- <p>
- The laugh came in when I found that the mother was more devoted to looking
- on at croquet than the girl was to playing the game! The pathetic figure
- was really the daughter, who was acting as companion to her mother to
- enable her with propriety to gratify her passion for watching people play
- croquet. The daughter complained a little at first, but now she says she
- has come to see that she should be unselfish and sink her own inclinations
- so that her mother may have some innocent enjoyment.
- </p>
- <p>
- She looks very carefully after her mother, and is even able sometimes to
- exchange a few words with her at intervals during the day's play.
- </p>
- <p>
- Since I found this out I have never allowed myself to be carried away in
- pity for one who elects to play the part of onlooker at a game of croquet.
- People who spend their time looking on at croquet are deserving of no
- pity.
- </p>
- <p>
- I have been told that when hospitality is offered to some of the visitors
- by people in Broadminster during the tournament week, it is now not
- invariably accepted without caution and preliminary inquiry. A bitter
- story was imparted to me by a man who had been kindly invited by one of
- the inhabitants to stay at his house for the croquet week. My friend
- gratefully accepted, and as the whole of the local family were players, he
- was brought up to their villa after the first day's play. He found the
- house a charming one of its class, and he thought himself lucky in his
- billet. Dinner was served, and then the little rift within the hospitable
- lute was suggested: there was no wine offered to him! The hissing of
- syphons round the table gave expression to his views on the subject of
- such hospitality; but what could he say in reply to his host when the
- latter turned to him, remarking quite pleasantly—“This is a teetotal
- household: no strong drink of any kind is allowed to enter it. Will you
- have soda water or Appolinaris?”
- </p>
- <p>
- Of course there was nothing to be said by a guest on the subject; but his
- host, like so many people professing his principles, had a good deal to
- say respecting the virtue of teetotalism. But so far as I was able to
- gather from the tone of his narrative, he did not obtain the cordial
- concurrence of his guest in all his views; for his guest was in the habit
- of taking half a bottle of claret at his dinner every day of his life and
- at least one glass of sound port afterwards, and for twenty years he had
- not gone to bed without wrapping himself round a tumbler of grog at the
- eleventh hour, and he did not find that an exordium on teetotalism went
- far to compensate him for the absent decanters. He was ready to greet the
- discourse with hisses; but the syphons were accommodating: they did their
- own hissing.
- </p>
- <p>
- He went to bed in a very bad humour.
- </p>
- <p>
- In the morning, however, after family prayers, his host said to him—
- </p>
- <p>
- “I thought I detected an unsatisfied look on your face as you entered the
- room, my friend. I think I know the reason of it. I dare say you have been
- accustomed to something which you failed to find on the table in your
- room. I am sure of it. I have inquired, and I am very sorry for the
- omission. But make your mind easy; look on your table to-night, and I
- think you will be satisfied.”
- </p>
- <p>
- This was not so bad, the visitor thought; though not everything, still a
- whisky and soda going to bed was better than nothing.
- </p>
- <p>
- He had his customary claret at his lunch in the pavilion that day, so he
- did not mind the sibilant but unsatisfying syphons at dinner. But he felt
- tired that night, he said, and went oft early to bed.
- </p>
- <p>
- Switching on the light, he hurried to the table for the promised treat.
- </p>
- <p>
- He found that the table bore nothing except a large Bible, bound in
- leather!
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2HCH0016" id="link2HCH0016"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- CHAPTER SIXTEEN—ART & THE ARTFUL IN THE PROVINCES
- </h2>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0067" id="link2H_4_0067"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- I.—THE ARTISTIC OUTLOOK
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">A</span> GOOD MANY PEOPLE
- ARE OF THE opinion that Art and the appreciation of Art are making
- considerable progress in this country, but others are inclined to be
- despondent on this subject; and among the most despondent is an estimable
- clergyman of a parish some miles from Broadminster. He told me that he was
- confirmed in his pessimism by observing the popularity of the imitation
- half-timbered, red-brick cottages which country architects are running up
- by the hundred in every direction. “The foundation of all true Art is
- Truth,” he said, “and yet we are confronted daily with all the falsehood
- of creosoted laths curving about ridiculous gables in imitation of the old
- oak timbering. People hold up their hands in horror at the recollection of
- the outside stucco of the early Victorians; but where is the difference
- between the immorality of pretending that bricks are stone and of
- pretending that creosoted laths are old timbers?”
- </p>
- <p>
- Of course he had many other instances of the inefficiency of the Schools
- of Art to fulfil the object of their establishment: there was the villa
- fireplace, for example, suggesting that its delicate ornamentation was of
- the fine paste of Robert Adam, when it was simply a horrible thing of cast
- iron; and what about the prevailing fashion in ladies' dress?...
- </p>
- <p>
- It was time, he thought, that steps were taken by men of genuine artistic
- feeling to put people on the right track in regard to Art in daily life;
- and he expressed to me in confidence the belief that a change could best
- be brought about by an appeal to the sense of beauty inherent in
- womankind. He begged the co-operation of one of the Minor Canons at the
- Cathedral at Broadminster, who had achieved fame on account of his
- artistic tendencies, and this gentleman consented to deliver an address at
- a specially convened mothers' meeting in the parish-room of the reformer.
- </p>
- <p>
- He kept his promise, as every one knew he would. He delivered an address
- on “The Influence of Cimabue on the later works of Donatello” in the
- presence of forty-two matrons, nearly all of whom could both read and
- write; and it was understood that he proved up to the hilt every statement
- that he made, and any of his audience who may have had some doubt as to
- the part that Cimabue played in the development of the genius of Donatello
- must have left the hall feeling that they could no longer hesitate in
- accepting the relative position of the two artists as defined by the
- lecturer.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0015" id="linkimage-0015"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0307.jpg" alt="0307 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0307.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- The next address is, I hear, to be made on the subject of “The Cinquecento
- and its Sequel.”
- </p>
- <p>
- That is the way to popularise Art in the country districts. When once the
- wives and mothers of the farm labourers and the shepherds of the Downs are
- brought to understand the importance of taking a right view of Cimabue and
- the Cinquecento, then Art will become a living thing in this country—perhaps
- even sooner: who can tell?
- </p>
- <p>
- Equally practical was the response made by a wealthy gentleman who has
- recently settled near Brindlington to the appeal of the parson to
- contribute something to the loan collection with which he hoped to second
- the efforts of the Minor Canon to stimulate an appreciation of good art in
- his parish. In charge of a traction-engine of large horse-power there was
- brought in a stone-mason's lorry to the door of the hall a full-size
- powerful group by Monsieur Rodin, representing an episode in the life of
- the most flagrantly humorous faun that ever grew, or half-grew, out of a
- rock under the rough-hewing chisel of the great French artist. At first
- one did not know that one was looking at a piece of sculpture—one
- seemed to be looking into a stone quarry. But gradually the idea revealed
- itself, and then one rather wished that it hadn't. The faun was not one of
- Nature's gentlemen: you could see that at once; but after a while, with
- good luck, you became aware of the fact that there was a nymph, or what
- looked like a nymph, scattered about the quarry—yes, you could see
- it quite distinctly from certain standpoints, and when you did you rather
- hoped that you had been mistaken. It was a masterpiece that “Group by M.
- Rodin.” It might have been taken for a freak of Nature herself—one
- of those fantastic rocks which are supposed to suggest the head of the
- first Napoleon or perhaps the Duke of Wellington wearing his cocked hat,
- or it may be a huge lizard or, if properly humped, a kneeling camel. But
- whatever it was, there stood the stone quarry brought to the very doors of
- the hall wherein were “loaned” all the objects of Art contributed by the
- less ambitious collectors of the neighbourhood, and within were six
- stalwart men preparing to rig up on a tripod of fifteen-feet ash poles
- each as thick as a stout tree, a tackle of chains and pulleys for shifting
- the thing from the truck to the rollers by which it was to be coaxed into
- the building.
- </p>
- <p>
- They did not get it beyond the porch. The tiled pavement crumbled beneath
- it like glass, and the caretaker of the building was doubtful about the
- stability of the floor within. In the porch it remained until the parson's
- wife, who had heard the noise of the traction-engine and felt sure that
- something was going on, arrived upon the scene.
- </p>
- <p>
- She took a glance at the landscape within the porch, and then ordered a
- dust-sheet.
- </p>
- <p>
- Of course the “Group by M. Rodin” was worth more than all the loans within
- the building; but it was not everybody's group. It remained in the
- friendly obscurity of the dust-sheet except when some visitor with
- inquisitive tendencies begged for a glimpse of it. Then the parson,
- averting his eyes, lifted up a corner of the dust-sheet, and remarked that
- he was sure that the work would be a noble one when the great sculptor
- should have cut away all the superfluous stone that lay in great masses
- about the figures; but even in its unfinished condition anyone could see
- that it could not weigh much under five or six tons.
- </p>
- <p>
- I fancy that the gentleman who had contributed this loan was more of a
- humorist than the parson had suspected.
- </p>
- <p>
- What I think is the most disappointing feature in connection with the
- development of Art in the provinces is the lack of interest shown in
- certain districts in the local productions. The producers are not without
- honour save in their own county. Of course, if it became a question of
- saving money, there would be patrons enough of local art; but unhappily
- the possible patrons are incapable of estimating correctly the money value
- of such things, and they prefer to give five pounds for a picture by an
- artist a distance than two for one by a local man, even though they might
- be assured by some one capable of pronouncing an opinion that the cheaper
- work was the better.
- </p>
- <p>
- A few years ago I was made aware of a curious example of this
- characteristic of some places. It occurred to an enterprising printseller
- at Broadminster that a spring exhibition of works in black and white might
- attract attention and enable him to do some business; and with the
- co-operation of some of the London publishers he managed to get together
- over two hundred capital examples of modern work, including some proof
- etchings by Le Rat, David Law, Frank Short, Legros, and others. A local
- lady, who was understood to be a liberal and well-informed patroness of
- Art in various forms, visited the exhibition and was greatly attracted by
- an etching of a spring landscape. Finding the price moderate, she bought
- it and carried it home with her in her brougham. A week later, however,
- she returned with it to the printseller.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Is it true that the Cuthbert Tremaine who did this is only a local man?”
- she inquired.
- </p>
- <p>
- The printseller assured her that she was quite right: Cuthbert Tremaine's
- people belonged to the town, and he had been educated at the Grammar
- School and the School of Art.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Do you think it was quite fair of you to hang that from such a person
- among the etchings that co-exibit here?” she asked.
- </p>
- <p>
- “He was quite able to hold his own among the best of them,” said the
- printseller. “He's coming well to the front, I assure you.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I don't think that it is at all fair to your customers to try and foist
- off upon them the work of a local man,” said the lady severely. “An
- ordinary local man! I wonder very much at your doing such a thing. I have
- brought the etching back to you, and you must change it for me. You really
- should have told me that Cuthbert Tremaine was nothing but a local man.”
- </p>
- <p>
- So much for the encouragement of local talent in our county.
- </p>
- <p>
- Quite recently a more striking instance of this peculiarity was offered us
- in a neighbouring town. A local artist held a sale exhibition of
- water-colour drawings of scenes within a radius of six miles. There were
- perhaps thirty of these, and every one of them was good, and every one of
- them was pleasing. There was no suggestion of slovenliness about any, nor
- was there a hint of an amateur. They were not the sort of drawings that
- might be referred to as “highly creditable”—nobody wants to possess
- “highly creditable” things: they must have positive merit, without taking
- into consideration the conditions under which they are done, before any
- one who knows something about art would wish to possess them; and the
- watercolours in this exhibition could certainly claim to be in this light.
- </p>
- <p>
- Well, cards of invitation were sent to some hundreds of possible buyers,
- and were heartily responded to, for free exhibitions are very popular in
- our neighbourhood, especially those that take the form of a demonstration
- of a new breakfast cereal (with samples gratis). But in the matter of
- sales the response was not quite so hearty as it might have been. The
- artist did not clear five pounds during the fortnight that his exhibition
- remained open.
- </p>
- <p>
- A month or two later, however, a stranger exhibited a collection of his
- drawings in the same town, and although they were infinitely inferior in
- almost every way to those of the local man, they found quite a
- satisfactory number of purchasers, notwithstanding the fact that there was
- not a drawing that was not priced at more than double the sum asked by the
- local artist for his sketches.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0068" id="link2H_4_0068"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- II.—ART AND THE SHERIFF
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">B</span>ut before the end
- of the summer an opportunity was given to connoisseurs in the same town to
- acquire, at the expenditure of a few pounds, a collection of pictures that
- would do credit to any private gallery in the kingdom. Announcements
- appeared placarded on every dead wall that “by order of the Sheriff” a
- magnificent collection of paintings by Turner, Reynolds, Gainsborough,
- Lawrence, George Morland, David Cox, and numerous other Masters, as well
- as drawings by Birket Foster, Keeley Hallswelle, George Cattermole, and a
- host of others. Being a Sheriff's sale this superb collection was to be
- disposed of without reserve, and the pictures were to be on view in the
- spacious commercial-room of an hotel.
- </p>
- <p>
- People flocked to the place where these treasures were hung, and as a
- knowledge of pictures is born with most people, they were not slow to
- appreciate the fact that at last a chance had come to acquire at a merely
- nominal cost pictures by artists of world-wide fame. Most persons had read
- of the enormous prices brought by some prints after pictures by George
- Morland, but here were the actual pictures themselves in frames of the
- finest Dutch metal: no frames protected the high-priced prints in
- Christie's! And not merely was Morland highly represented here, but quite
- half a dozen exquisite <i>genre</i> pictures by Josef Israels were to be
- seen in a row, and it was whispered among the cognoscenti that this
- painter had just died and the <i>Studio</i> had contained an eulogistic
- article, with illustrations, on his work! Another chance! Of course Sidney
- Cooper's “Cows in Canterbury Meadows” spoke for itself. Every tyro knew
- that no one could ever paint cattle like Sidney Cooper. And Birket Foster—no
- one could ever approach Birket Foster in showing children swinging on a
- gate. There was the gate, sure enough, and the children, and the pet lamb—all
- the genuine Birket Foster properties. And “by order of the Sheriff.”
- </p>
- <p>
- It was a treat to see the <i>cognoscenti</i> examining the pictures,
- subjecting individual works to the severest tests of light and magnifying
- glasses, and then whispering gravely together in corners on the subject of
- their merits. Some of them had pencils, which they had pressed to their
- lips while they scrutinised the masterpieces, preparatory to making notes
- on their catalogues—all just like a London picture sale in King
- Street, St. James's Street, London, W.
- </p>
- <p>
- And then some fool came into the room and laughed. He was a man who
- pretended to know a lot about pictures, and he was usually disposed to
- question the authenticity of things in the possession of everybody but
- himself. He glanced around the walls and went away, still laughing, after
- being in the place no longer than three minutes.
- </p>
- <p>
- That was a trick on his part, the <i>cognoscenti</i> said. He wished to
- put them off buying and so make a haul for himself.
- </p>
- <p>
- They were confirmed in this belief when the one dealer in the town told a
- gentleman, who had come to him with a commission to purchase some of the
- pictures, that the man had just been to caution him against buying any of
- them on his own account.
- </p>
- <p>
- “He said that they are being hawked round from town to town, and that they
- are really all fakes—that there is not a genuine picture among the
- lot, and that the Sheriff's sale is not a <i>bona fide</i> one, but one of
- the oldest tricks of picture fakers.”
- </p>
- <p>
- But the knowing person said to the dealer—“Does he mean to say that
- in a town like this any man would dare to put 'by order of the Sheriff' at
- the top of the bill if it was not <i>bona fide?</i>He would pretty soon
- find himself in trouble. You attend the auction and bid for the numbers
- that I have marked in the catalogue.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The auction came off and was largely attended by the public, but, strange
- to say, by not a single outside dealer, only by the local one who had
- received many commissions. And a fortnight before an ordinary sale at a
- private house in the town, at which half a dozen pictures by fourth-class
- artists, and some only “attributed to” these artists, drew dealers from
- places fifty and sixty miles away!
- </p>
- <p>
- It seemed pretty clear that the Sheriff had not taken a great deal of
- trouble to advertise this particular sale—he could not have given it
- his personal attention, or perhaps he had never before had a chance of
- handling the “fine arts” on so opulent a scale, or the dealers would
- certainly not have missed the chance of their lives.
- </p>
- <p>
- However this may be, the pictures were bought by the dozen, as much as six
- pounds being given for each of the Israels, and a pair of Birket Foster's
- fetching ten, frames included in all cases. There was a keen struggle for
- the Turner, and it was run up to nine pounds—not by any means too
- much for a Turner as things go nowadays. Altogether, I suppose, about
- fifty pictures were sold. At the evening sale the auctioneer announced
- that a sufficient number had been disposed of to satisfy the Sheriffs
- claim, but that a gentleman in the trade had bought the remainder <i>en
- bloc</i>, and instructed him to put them all up for sale to the highest
- bidder; and he would have great pleasure in carrying out his instructions.
- On went the bidding down to the last lot, and so ended a memorable picture
- sale—probably the last of the kind to be perpetrated in England, for
- within a fortnight the gentlemen under whose direction the enterprise had
- been carried on from place to place for several years were arrested,
- tried, and convicted of perjury in making an affidavit with intent to
- deceive the Sheriff of some county and cause him to issue his writ for the
- sale of their bogus pictures. Fifteen months' imprisonment was certainly
- not too long a sentence for these practitioners; though really one can
- have but little sympathy for people who are such fools as to expect to buy
- pictures, with a name value of thousands of pounds, for a few shillings.
- </p>
- <p>
- But for several weeks after the sale the fortunate purchasers of the bogus
- masterpieces lost no opportunity of exhibiting their treasures. Teas and
- At Homes were given to enable their less alert friends to. appreciate
- their varied charms, for it was understood in the town that the
- educational value of great works of art should not be neglected; and at
- the Mayor's Reception a short time afterwards two of the pictures were
- exhibited, for the educational benefit of the company, in their original
- Dutch-metal frames—the sort that one may buy for half a crown in a
- cash chemist's. In these days the man who had laughed at the private view
- was referred to in accents of scorn. But he continued to laugh, even when
- in the most kindly spirit he was advised by one of the successful bidders
- to remember that it was distinctly slanderous to suggest that a sale
- conducted under the auspices of the Sheriff of the county was a bogus
- affair. Then it was that the critic laughed loudest; and, so far as I can
- gather, he is laughing still.
- </p>
- <p>
- One interesting point was brought out at the trial of the men. It was in
- respect of the actual manufacturer's price of the fraudulent pictures. The
- artist who had executed them was put into the box and stated that he
- received from five to fifteen shillings for each. The average trade price
- of a George Morland worked out at a fraction over seven shillings, so that
- to refer to these works as valueless would be wrong: those purchasers who
- were fortunate enough to secure good specimens of George Morland at the
- sale have the satisfaction of dwelling upon their varied beauties and
- reflecting that the actual value of each work is in the bogus market
- something between seven shillings and seven and twopence! (The “Sheriffs
- Sale” price of a Morland was six pounds.)
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0069" id="link2H_4_0069"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- III.—THE COUNTRY PICTURE SALE
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> was once present
- at a picture sale in a mansion some miles from a country town in which I
- lived. There were, I think, three full-length Gainsboroughs, five
- Reynoldses, a few Hoppners, two by Peters, and three or four by Northcote.
- I was standing in front of a man by the first-named painter, and was lost
- in admiration of the firm way in which the figure was placed on the floor
- in the picture, when a local dealer approached me, saying—
- </p>
- <p>
- “Might I have a word with you, sir?”
- </p>
- <p>
- Of course I told him to talk away. I knew the man very well. He was one of
- those useful dealers of the variety known as “general,” from whom one may
- occasionally buy a Spode plate worth ten shillings for three, or an odd
- ormolu mount for sixpence.
- </p>
- <p>
- “We want to know if you believe these to be genuine pictures, sir,” said
- he.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Genuine pictures!” I repeated, being rather puzzled to know just what he
- meant; but then I remembered that he was accustomed to attend sales where
- pictures labelled “Reynolds,” “Gainsborough,” “Murillo,” “Moroni,” and so
- forth were sold for whatever they might fetch—usually from fifteen
- shillings to a pound, the word “genuine” never being so much as breathed
- by anyone. When I recollected this I laughed and said—“Make your
- mind easy. If these are not genuine pictures you will never see any come
- under the hammer.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “And what do you think they will fetch?” he inquired.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I could not give you the slightest idea,” I replied; “but if you can get
- me that one in front of us for five hundred pounds I'll give you
- twenty-five per cent, commission.”
- </p>
- <p>
- He was staggered.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Five hundred!” he cried. “You must be joking, sir.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I admit it,” said I. “I should have said a thousand.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “But really, sir, how far would we be safe to go for them all? There are
- four of us here, and we are ready to make a dash for them if we had your
- opinion about them.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Look here, my good man,” said I. “You may reckon on my giving you five
- hundred pounds for any picture in this room that is knocked down to you.
- I'll put that in writing for you if you wish.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “It's not necessary, sir,” he repeated. “We'll buy the lot of them for you
- for less money.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Do, and I shall be a rich man afterwards,” said I.
- </p>
- <p>
- He went away chuckling.
- </p>
- <p>
- The next day the auctioneer, who was an Irishman, after disposing of
- several lots of ordinary things, reached the pictures.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I needn't say anything about them,” he remarked. “They speak for
- themselves: I think you'll all agree with me that there's not one of them
- that isn't a speaking likeness. What shall we say for this one—No.
- 137 in the catalogue, “Lady Betty————,” by Sir
- Joshua Reynolds? Look at her, ladies and gentlemen, and tell me if you
- think there are many artists in this county who could do anything better
- than this—all hand painted, and guaranteed. What shall we say?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “A pound,” suggested my dealer quite boldly. The auctioneer turned a cold
- eye upon him for a moment, and then I saw that there was a twinkle on its
- glossy surface.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Very well, sir,” he said. “A pound is bid for the picture—twenty-five
- shillings, thirty shillings, thirty-five, two pounds—thank you, sir;
- we're getting on—two-ten; I'm obliged to you, ma'am—three
- pounds ten—three pounds ten—three pounds ten bid for the
- portrait of Lady Betty. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, wouldn't it be a shame
- if such a picture was to be knocked down for seventy shillings and it
- worth nearly as many pounds. Four pounds—thank you, sir. The bidding
- is against you, ma'am. Well, if there's no advance——”
- </p>
- <p>
- It was my dealer who had made the last bid, and I must confess that for
- some seconds I actually fancied that I was to be placed in possession of a
- Reynolds for four pounds!
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0016" id="linkimage-0016"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- <img src="images/0317.jpg" alt="0317 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <h5>
- <a href="images/0317.jpg"><img src="images/enlarge.jpg" alt="" /> </a>
- </h5>
- <p>
- “Four pounds—going at four pounds,” came the voice of the
- auctioneer. “If there's no advance—going at four pounds—going—for
- the last time—five hundred—six hundred—seven hundred—a
- thousand—fifteen hundred—two thousand—guineas—five
- hundred—guineas—three thousand—guineas—going for
- three thousand guineas, ladies and gentle-men, it's giving the picture
- away that I am; but still the times are bad. Going at three thousand
- guineas—going—going—Mr. Agnew.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The hammer fell, and everyone was laughing except the Irish auctioneer and
- my dealer.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Perhaps our dashing friend will give me an advance of thirty shillings on
- the next lot—Ralph, first Earl of————,” said
- the former, glancing toward the latter with an insinuating smile.
- </p>
- <p>
- The latter forced his way toward the nearest door, leaving Lot 132 to be
- started by a London dealer at a thousand pounds.
- </p>
- <p>
- My disappointed friend had never been at a great sale in his life, and he
- had certainly not suspected that the gentlemen wearing the silk hats were
- like himself, dealers—only on perhaps a somewhat more heroic scale.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0070" id="link2H_4_0070"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- IV.—HUMOURS OF THE ROSTRUM
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">T</span>he humours of the
- auction-room deserve to be dealt with more fully than is in my power to
- treat them. Though an auctioneer's fun is sometimes a little forced, its
- aim being to keep his visitors in a good temper with him—for he
- knows that every time that he knocks something down to one person he hurts
- the feelings of the runner-up—still, now and again, something occurs
- to call for a witty comment, and occasionally a ludicrous incident may
- brighten up the monotonous reiteration of slowly increasing sums of money.
- I have heard that long ago most lords of the rostrum were what used to be
- called “characters,” and got on the friendliest terms with the people on
- the floor. But now I fear that there is no time for such amenities, though
- I heard one of the profession say, announcing a new “lot”—“Hallo,
- what have we here? 'Lot 67—Adams Bed.' Ladies and gentlemen, there's
- a genuine antiquity for you—Adam's Bed! I shouldn't wonder if the
- quilt was worked by Eve herself, though I believe she was better at
- aprons.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The auctioneer as a rule, however, hurries from lot to lot without wasting
- time referring to the charm of any one in particular. I cannot understand
- how they avoid doing so sometimes when a beautiful work of art is brought
- to the front.
- </p>
- <p>
- But in the old days I believe that now and again a trick was resorted to
- with a view to arouse the interest of possible purchasers in the business
- of the day. I know of such a little comedy being played with a good deal
- of spirited action in an auction-room in a large townin the Midlands. An
- Irish dealer was in the habit of sending round from time to time as much
- stuff as a large furniture van would hold, to be offered for sale by
- auction. Of course he placed a reserve on every article, and if this
- figure was not reached in one town, he packed up the thing, to give it a
- chance in the next; so that within a few weeks he managed to get rid of a
- large number of things at quite remunerative prices. It so happened,
- however, that he wanted money badly when he reached the town where he
- began his operations, and he made a confidant of the auctioneer, who
- promised to do his best in regard to the goods. The articles were
- consequently displayed in the rooms, and a considerable number of people
- assembled before the auctioneer mounted the rostrum. The bidding was,
- however, very spiritless, and the first dozen lots were knocked down to
- imaginary buyers at imaginary figures; but just when the thirteenth lot
- was exhibited there appeared at the farther end of the room a rather
- excited figure.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Stop the sale,” he cried. “I'm not going to stand passively by while you
- give my goods away. I don't mind a reasonable sacrifice, but I'm not going
- to submit to such a massacre as has been going on here up to the present.
- Stop the sale!”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Look you here, Mr. O'Shaughnessy,” said the auctioneer. “Massacre or no
- massacre, I received instructions from you to sell your stuff without
- reserve, and sell it I will, whatever you may say.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “You'll do nothing of the sort, I tell you,” cried the Irishman. “Come
- down from that reading-desk and don't continue to make a fool of me. I'm
- not going to see my things thrown away. You know what they are worth as
- well as I do, and yet you knock them down for a quarter their value!”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now, my good man, if you don't get out of this room I'll have to take
- stronger measures with you,” said the auctioneer. “I know that the stuff
- is all that you say it is; but that's nothing to me: the highest bidder
- will get the best of it, whether he bids to half the value or a quarter
- the value for that matter. You are making a fool of yourself, Mr.
- O'Shaughnessy, but you won't make a fool of me. I'm here to sell, and sell
- I shall. Now sit down or leave the premises.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I'll not sit down. I tell you I'll not——”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Porter,” cried the auctioneer, “turn that gentleman out, and if he won't
- go quietly call a policeman. You hear?”
- </p>
- <p>
- A couple of stalwart porters approached the vendor, saying soothing words;
- but he refused to move, and they had to force him to the door. They did
- so, however, as tenderly as possible; though he kept on shouting, as he
- went reluctantly backward step by step, that the auctioneer was in a
- conspiracy to ruin him, allowing his goods to be taken away for nothing.
- At last he was in the street and the door was closed. “Ladies and
- gentlemen,” said the auctioneer, “I must apologise for this scene. Such a
- thing never happened in my mart before, and I hope it will never happen
- again. But I know my position, and I've no intention of breaking faith
- with the public, whatever that man may do or say. I hope you'll excuse
- him; he is really the best judge of antiques I ever met, but when he gets
- a drop of drink there's no holding him in. Now, gentlemen, he'll not
- disturb us again, and with your leave I'll proceed with the sale. I'll do
- my duty by you, and I'll do my duty by him, whether he has insulted me or
- not. He maybe an excitable Irishman, but that's no reason why we shouldn't
- do our best for him. Fair play, ladies and gentlemen, fair play to
- everybody. We must not allow our prejudices to blind us. You know as well
- as I do that the stuff is the finest that has ever come to this town,
- though the vendor would be safer in the hands of the police than prowling
- about as he has been. Now where were we?—ah, Lot 13—'Chippendale
- mirror, carved wood, gilt.' There's a work of art for you. Where did he
- get hold of such a thing, anyway? What shall we say for it?”
- </p>
- <p>
- The thing started at a figure actually above the reserve price that Mr.
- O'Shaughnessy had placed upon it, and the bidding went on with a rush. The
- next lot—two ribbon-carved mahogany arm-chairs—seemed to be
- badly wanted by some one. They were knocked down at a figure twenty-five
- percent, beyond the reserve. So it was with everything else in the
- collection. Never had there been a more successful sale in the same rooms.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br /><a name="linkimage-0017" id="linkimage-0017"> </a>
- </p>
- <div class="fig" style="width:50%;">
- alt="327 " width="100%" /><br />
- </div>
- <p>
- So, at least, the auctioneer confessed to the vendor as they dined
- together that evening, and the auctioneer was in private life a truthful
- man, though not always so rigid in the rostrum.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0071" id="link2H_4_0071"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- V. THE ARTFUL AND GOLDSTEIN
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">U</span>pon another
- occasion, in the same town, there was a dealer's sale at an auction mart,
- and it went off pretty well, though naturally a good many lots remained
- undisposed of at the close, for on every article there was a reserve price
- representing the profit to accrue to the vendor, with the auctioneer's
- usual ten per cent. One of the unsold pictures had attracted the attention
- of a gentleman who had bid as far as twelve pounds for it, and when the
- sale was over he remained in the mart waiting to see if it should be
- claimed by a dealer, so that he might have a chance of getting it at a
- slight advance.
- </p>
- <p>
- But the auctioneer very frankly confided in him that it had not been sold:
- the vendor, unfortunately, knew a good deal about pictures and had put a
- pretty stiff reserve on it. At this moment a local dealer showed signs of
- being also attracted by the picture. He stood in front of it, and seemed
- to be assessing its value to the nearest penny. After a few moments he
- jerked his head to bring the auctioneer to his side, and with a word of
- apology to the possible purchaser the auctioneer went to the man.
- </p>
- <p>
- They had a whispered conversation together, but every whisper was clearly
- audible to the layman.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Look here,” said the dealer, “you know that I bid up to eighteen pounds
- for that picture. Well, I'm willing to go to the length of twenty for it,
- if you're selling it privately.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I'm sorry I can't oblige you, Mr. Goldstein,” said the auctioneer. “You
- know as well as I do who the vendor is, and you know that he is as good a
- judge of a picture as any man living. You know that the picture is worth
- money.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Now what's the good of talking to me like that?” said Mr. Goldstein. “I
- don't deny that the picture is a good one—one of the best you ever
- handled—but a man must live. I believe I have a customer for that
- thing, but I look to make a bit off it for myself, and I must have it
- cheap.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “And isn't twenty-five pounds cheap for such a work?” asked the
- auctioneer.
- </p>
- <p>
- “I don't deny it,” replied the dealer, “and that's just what I expect to
- get for it; but where do I come in in the transaction if I pay you that
- for it? Do you fancy I stick in auction-rooms all day by the doctor's
- orders? I'll give you twenty-three pounds for the picture, and if you
- can't let me have it for that you may burn it.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The auctioneer laughed and walked away without condescending to reply, and
- with a grimace of ill-humour Mr. Goldstein left the auction-room.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Who is that person?” asked the would-be purchaser.
- </p>
- <p>
- “His name is Goldstein,” replied the auctioneer. “He's a picture dealer,
- and about as knowing as they are made. He has been nibbling at this ever
- since it was left with me. Of course he'll come back for it. He's no fool.
- He knows a good thing when he sees it.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The auctioneer strolled down the room to his office, leaving the gentleman
- to digest the information which he had given him.
- </p>
- <p>
- Now the gentleman was quite an astute person, and it did not take him long
- to perceive that a picture that is worth twenty-three pounds to a dealer
- named Goldstein is certainly worth twenty-five to a layman, so the
- auctioneer was not surprised when he entered his office, saying—
- </p>
- <p>
- “Did you say that twenty-five pounds was the reserve for that picture?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “That's the vendor's reserve, sir.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “All right. I'll take it at that,” said the gentleman.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Very good, sir,” said the auctioneer, and he smiled knowingly as he
- added, “I may tell you that Goldstein offered me twenty-three for it just
- now. He'll be back with me offering twenty-five within the hour. I can
- imagine his face when he hears that it's gone.”
- </p>
- <p>
- His shrewdness did not deceive him. Mr. Goldstein was back at the mart
- within half an hour, with inquiries about the picture, and it was with an
- air of triumph that the auctioneer told him that it had been sold. It is
- also quite likely that the look which he said he would like to see on Mr.
- Goldstein's face when he heard that the picture was sold was exactly the
- one which was worn by Mr. Goldstein, though it might not be just the one
- which the purchaser of the picture would associate with an expression of
- chagrin on the face of a person named Goldstein.
- </p>
- <p>
- The truth was that Mr. Goldstein was grinning quite pleasantly; for Mr.
- Goldstein was the vendor of the work of art, which he had bought for four
- pounds and had disposed of for twenty-five, less auction fees!
- </p>
- <p>
- This auctioneer was an unusually clever man. He was heard to confide in a
- friend his impression that the town he lived in was not sufficiently large
- to give his genius a chance of being displayed to the full; and that was
- possibly why a short time afterwards he went to London and started
- business in one of the most central thoroughfares.
- </p>
- <p>
- Within six months he was prosecuted for selling bogus Bechsteins,
- convicted, and sentenced to a term of imprisonment for an offence which at
- one time was a serious menace to the piano trade.
- </p>
- <p>
- <br /><br />
- </p>
- <hr />
- <p>
- <a name="link2H_4_0072" id="link2H_4_0072"> </a>
- </p>
- <div style="height: 4em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
- <h2>
- VI.—TRICKS AND TRICKS
- </h2>
- <p class="pfirst">
- <span class="dropcap" style="font-size: 4.00em">I</span> have heard it
- debated with great seriousness whether a fine art dealer in a commercial
- town, where the finer arts are neglected, is not entitled to resort to a
- method of disposing of his goods which some people might be disposed to
- term trickery. Personally, I think any form of trickery having money for
- its object is indefensible. But there are tricks and tricks, and what will
- be chuckled over by some businessmen as “a good stroke of business” may,
- if submitted to a jury, be pronounced a fraud, and it appears to me that
- people are becoming more exacting every day in their fine art dealings.
- They seem to expect that a picture dealer will tell them all he knows
- about any picture that he offers them, and, should they consent to buy it,
- that he will let them have it at the price he paid for it. Should they
- find out, after they have completed the purchase, that he made any
- statement to them that was not strictly accurate, they bring an action
- against him. How such people would be laughed at if they were to bring an
- action against the vendor of a patent medicine for having stated on the
- bottle that it would cure gout, neuralgia, and neuritis, when they had
- tried it and found that it would do nothing of the sort! There was a pill
- made during the eighteenth century which was guaranteed to prevent
- earthquakes. Some time ago I heard it seriously urged, on behalf of an
- American patent medicine, that when the half of San Francisco had been
- laid in ruins by an earthquake, the building where the medicine was
- manufactured remained undisturbed!
- </p>
- <p>
- But until recent years a pretty free hand was allowed to dealers in works
- of art. I remember being in a shop—called a gallery—in a
- provincial town in which a good deal of “restoration” in the picture way
- was effected. The proprietor had a drawerful of labels each bearing the
- name of a good old Master done in black on a gold ground, and when a work
- was “restored” to his satisfaction, he turned over the labels until he
- found one to suit its style. Then he nailed it very neatly on to the
- frame, and the picture was ready for sale as a Moroni, a Velasquez, a
- Tintoretto, or a Titian, as the case might be. The man was an excellent
- judge of pictures and prints, and I do not believe that he ever got a
- picture painted on an old canvas to sell as a genuine work. He simply
- bought all the good old pictures that he thought worth buying and “touched
- them up.” People bought them on chance, the wise ones asking no questions
- “for conscience' sake”—the conscience of the vendor; and I am pretty
- sure that many genuine pictures passed through his hands—some that
- were worth from a hundred to five hundred pounds apiece for a tenth of the
- smaller sum.
- </p>
- <p>
- He saw the humour of his labels better than anyone else, I think. He never
- gave an audible laugh when I used to inquire if he could provide me with a
- really choice Rembrandt for thirty shillings; he pretended to take me
- seriously, and, shaking his head, he would say—
- </p>
- <p>
- “Rembrandts with any pedigree are getting scarcer and scarcer every year,
- sir. You wouldn't feel justified in going as far as two pounds if you saw
- one that you took a fancy to, I suppose? No? Well, I'll see what I can do
- for you at your price, but I may tell you that it's rather below than
- above the figure for a genuine hand-painted Rembrandt.”
- </p>
- <p>
- One day two gentlemen called when I was in the gallery—a major in
- the Gunners and a brother officer.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Morning,” said the former. “I hope you got the frame in order.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Yes, sir,” replied the dealer, bustling off to where a picture was lying
- with its face down on a bench. He picked it up and bore it to an easel, on
- which he placed it in a moderately good light. “That's it, sir. I happened
- to lay my hands on a more suitable frame, so I didn't trouble with the old
- one; it's impossible to put a touch of gold leaf on an old frame without
- making it look patchy.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I think that's a far better frame than the old one,” said the major. “I
- brought my friend in to look at the picture. Who did you say it was by?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Rubens, sir—an early Rubens, I think it is.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Ah yes, that was the name. Looks well, doesn't it?” said the officer to
- his friend.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Very well indeed. I never saw anything that took my fancy better,” said
- the other. “Look at that silk—rippin', I call it—absolutely
- rippin'.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I thought you'd like it,” said the major. “There's nothing looks so well
- in a room as a good old picture. But, of course, it's easy overdoing that
- sort of thing.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Nothing easier—like those American Johnnies,” acquiesced his
- friend. “Yes, a rippin' picture, I call that—good colour, you know,
- but all well toned down. Do you know what it is—I've a great mind to
- have one too.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Good!” cried the major. “You really couldn't do better, you know—six
- guineas, frame included.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “I believe you're right. Yes, I'll take one too,” said the other, turning
- to the dealer, who was standing silently by.
- </p>
- <p>
- “Very good, sir,” said the dealer. “I'll look one out for you by to-morrow
- afternoon, if that would suit you.”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Suit me well. Six guineas in the frame, I suppose?”
- </p>
- <p>
- “Yes, sir, six guineas, unless—— Would you like a pair of
- them, sir? I might be able to take a little off for a pair.”
- </p>
- <p>
- The grave way in which he suggested a pair of Rubenses, as if it were
- customary to sell Rubenses in braces like pheasants, was too much for my
- nerves. I looked at my watch and made for the door, and I hope that I was
- well round the corner before I burst out.
- </p>
- <p>
- I heard afterwards that the officer had no use for a brace of Rubenses;
- but he bought a nice little Dutch village scene, by a painter named
- Teniers, for three pounds. It was not signed by the artist; but I have no
- doubt, if he had made a point of it, the dealer would have obliged him:
- the work of restoration frequently includes the restoring of an artist's
- signature.
- </p>
- <p>
- So it was impressed on me that there is a humorous side even to picture
- dealing in the provinces.
- </p>
- <p>
- That incident, I repeat, took place in the good old days; but if one gives
- some attention to the law courts even nowadays one will find plenty to
- laugh at in connection with transactions in the fine arts. It was
- certainly very amusing to see some year or two ago, the examples of fine
- old Dresden which were displayed as “exhibits”—in the legal, not the
- exhibition, sense—in the law courts, all of which were pronounced
- spurious by the experts, though sold for many thousand pounds to a wealthy
- old tradesman, and to follow the story of every transaction. But I found
- it more amusing still to identify the various pieces with the
- illustrations contained in aback number of a leading magazine of art which
- had devoted several pages to a description of the magnificent Dresden
- collection of the old tradesman. What had been referred to as the gems of
- the cabinets were the very things that were produced in the Court as
- examples of the spurious!
- </p>
- <div style="height: 6em;">
- <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />
- </div>
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-<pre>
-
-
-
-
-
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