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diff --git a/old/51927-8.txt b/old/51927-8.txt deleted file mode 100644 index d2a30e6..0000000 --- a/old/51927-8.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,7281 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Lighter Side of English Life, by -Frank Frankfort Moore - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - - - -Title: The Lighter Side of English Life - -Author: Frank Frankfort Moore - -Illustrator: George Belcher - -Release Date: May 1, 2016 [EBook #51927] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ENGLISH LIFE *** - - - - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - - - - - - - - -THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ENGLISH LIFE - -By Frank Frankfort Moore - -Author Of "The Jessamy Bride" - -Illustrated in Colour by George Belcher - -T. N. Foulis, London & Edinburgh - -1913 - - - - -CHAPTER ONE--THE VILLAGE - -ONE MORNING A FEW MONTHS AGO A foreigner under the influence of -an aeroplane descended somewhat hurriedly in a broad and--as he -ascertained--a soft meadow in Nethershire; and while he was picking -up his matches preparatory to lighting his cigarette--he has always a -cigarette in his waistcoat pocket, for a man with a Kodak may be lurking -behind the nearest tree--an agricultural labourer on his way to his work -looked over the hedge at him. The foreign person noticed him, and after -trying him in vain with German, French, and Hungarian, fell back upon -English, and in the few words of that language which he knew, inquired -the name of the place. "Why, Bleybar Lane, to be sure," replied the man, -perceiving the trend of the question with the quick intelligence of the -agricultural labourer; and when the stranger shook his head and lapsed -into Russian, begging him to be more precise (for the aviator had not -altogether recovered from the daze of his sudden arrival), the man -repeated the words in a louder tone, "Bleybar Lane--everybody knows -Bleybar Lane; and that's Thurswell that you can't see, beyond the -windmill," and then walked on. Happily our parson, who had watched the -descent of the stranger and was hastening to try if he could be of any -help to him, came up at that moment and explained that he was in -England, where English was, up to that time at least, spoken in -preference to German or, indeed, any other language, and that breakfast -would be ready at the Rectory in an hour. - - - - -I--THE ABORIGINES - -It was the Rector who told me the story, adding in regard to the -labourer---- "Isn't that just like Thurswell--fancying that a Czech who -had just crossed the Channel, and believed himself to be in Belgium, -should know all about Thurswell and its Bleybar Lane?" - -I thought that it was very like Thurswell indeed, and afterwards I made -it still more like by talking to the agricultural labourer himself about -the incident. - -"Ay, he spoke gibberish with a foreign accent, and I told him plain -enough, when he had swept his arms and cried 'Where?' or words to that -effect, that he was by Bleybar Lane, and that the place he couldn't see -for the windmill was Thurswell; but it were no use: foreigners be in the -main woeful ignorant for Christian persons, and I could see that he had -no knowledge even of Thurswell when he heard the name." - -[Illustration: 0023] - -That is our village down to the ground. You could not persuade one -of the aborigines that there is any place in England or outside it of -greater importance than Thurswell, because there is no place of greater -importance to the Thurswellian. An aged inhabitant was taken by his -son to see the coronation procession, and when he was asked what it was -like, replied, after a suitable pause, that it ran Thurs-well's Day -very hard--Thurswell's Day is the name given to the First Sunday after -Trinity, when the Free Foresters and Ancient Shepherds march to church -in sashes, with a band made up of a fife, three flutes, a drum, a -concertina, and a melodion. - -"Ay, neighbours, it ran Thurswell's Day hard," he affirmed, and did not -flinch from his statement in spite of the incredulous murmur that arose -from the bench nearest the door, which was immediately suppressed by the -landlord, who was apprehensive of a riot. - -Thurswell is a village of antiquity. Its name occurs in _Domesday -Book_, where you may look in vain for any mention of Brindlington, that -mushroom town of 60.000 inhabitants, which is nine miles to the north, -or even of Broadminster, the Cathedral town, which is seven miles to the -west. "Broadminster is where the Dean lives," I was told by the landlord -of the Wheatsheaf at Thurswell when I was making inquiries about the -district, "and Brindlington is where the brewery is; but my father got -his ale at Pipstone, and I get mine there too, though it's a blow to -Brindlington, for in harvest the best part of a cask goes within a -week." - -There are several other villages within a mile or so of Thurswell, and -the inhabitants of some are infatuated enough to believe that they -are on a social, as well as a commercial, level with the people of -Thurswell. This singular hallucination caused a good deal of friction on -all sides in years gone by, and _the rapprochement_ that was eventually -brought about between Thurswell and its neighbours by the thoughtfulness -of a Rector, who preached a sermon on the vision of St. Peter and -enjoined upon his hearers to remember that even though people have not -been born in Thurswell they are still God's creatures, was a purely -sentimental one, and did not last. - -Some years ago an article appeared in the _Topographical Gazette_ -from the pen of an eminent archaeologist affirming that Thurswell must -originally have been Thor's Well, so that the place dated back to -the time of the worship of the Scandinavian god Thor; but while -this evidence of its antiquity was received by some of us with -enthusiasm--having been a resident in the village for a whole year I was -naturally an ardent Thurswellian--it was, when reproduced in the _East -Nethershire Weekly_, generally regarded as the invention of some -one anxious to give the enemies of the village some ground for their -animosity toward it. For the suggestion that it had a heathen origin was -not one, it was felt, to which its people could tamely submit. There was -some talk of a public meeting to protest against the conclusions come to -by the archaeologist, and the Rector was considered in some quarters to -be but a half-hearted champion of the Faith when he refused to lend the -schoolhouse--sixty people could be crowded into it--for this purpose, -his argument that the more heathen Thurswell had been in the past, the -more marked should be its display of the Christian virtue of charity in -the present, being criticised as savouring of Jesuitry. For months the -matter was the leading topic of the neighbourhood, and the Hearts of Oak -Habitation of the Ancient Shepherds drew up a resolution protesting in -this connection against "archaeology and every form of idolatry." It was -the misprint in the _Gazette_ that changed "Hearts of Oak" into "Heads -of Oak" in publishing the proceedings that quenched the violence of the -discussion, and now it is considered bad taste to refer to it at all. - - - - -II.--THE CENTENARIANS - -More recently still another busybody endeavoured to deprive the village -of the reputation which it had long enjoyed as the centre of English -longevity. Now it would be impossible for any one to study the dates -on the tombstones in the churchyard without noticing how great was the -number of centenarians who died within the first fifty years of the -nineteenth century in the parish of Thurswell. There were apparently -eighteen men and fourteen women interred after passing their hundredth -year; indeed, one woman was recorded to have reached her hundred and -twenty-seventh year, which is a good age for a woman. The people were -naturally very proud of the constant references made in print to their -longevity; but one day there came down to the village a member of the -Statistical Society, and after busying himself among the musty parish -registers for a month, he announced his discovery that in every case but -one the date of the birth of the alleged centenarians was the date of -the birth of their parents. The investigator had noticed that all the -alleged centenarians had "departed this life" during the rectorship of -the Rev. Thomas Ticehurst, and centenarianism had always been his -fad. He had preached sermon after sermon on Methuselah and other -distinguished multi-centenarians, and he spent his time travelling about -the country in search of evidence in confirmation of the theory that -Methuselah, though somewhat beyond the average in respect of age, might -yet have been exceeded on his own ground by many people living in the -country districts of England. Nothing was easier, the investigator tried -to show, than for a clergyman in charge of the registers, who had such -a hobby, to assume, when any very old man or woman died in his parish, -that he or she actually was twenty years or so older; and as the -Christian names were nearly always hereditary, in nine cases out of -ten he accepted the registry of the birth of the father as that of the -lately deceased man, and the date of the birth of the mother in regard -to the aged woman, the result being a series of the most interesting -inscriptions. - -I must confess that I myself felt that I had a personal grievance -against this busybody statistician. There is nothing so comforting to -the middle-aged as a stroll through a cemetery of centenarians; and I -had the most uncharitable feelings against the person who could make -such an attempt to deprive me of the pleasant hope of living another -sixty or seventy years. - -But while we were still talking about the danger of permitting strangers -to have access to the registers, I was told one morning that a man who -had once been the gardener at the place which I had just acquired -would like to see me. Now, I had had already some traffic with the -superannuated gardener of my predecessor, and so I was now surprised to -find myself face to face with quite a different person. - -"You were not the gardener here," I said. "I saw him; his name is -Craggs, and he still lives in the hollow." - -"Oh ay, Jonas Craggs--young Joe, we called him; I knew his father," -replied my visitor. "He was only here a matter of six-and-thirty years. -I was superann'ated to make way for him. Young-Joe, we called him, and I -was curious to see how things had come on in the garden of late." - -"You were superannuated thirty-six years ago," said I. "What age are you -now?" - -"I'm ninety-eight, sir," he replied with a smirk. - -I showed him round the garden. He said he could see that the things he -had planted had grown summut; and I walked through the churchyard the -next Sunday with the greatest complacency. - -When I told the Rector that my experience of this grand old gardener -tended to make me take the side of Thurswell and the neighbourhood -against scientific investigation in regard to longevity, he assured -me that if I paid a visit to a certain elderly lady who lived with a -middle-aged granddaughter in a cottage on the road to Cransdown I should -find ample confirmation of the faith for which I had a leaning. The -lady's name was, he said, Martha Trendall, and she really was, he -thought, a genuine centenarian, for she had a vivid recollection of -events which had happened quite ninety years ago; and, unlike most -reputed centenarians, she remembered many details of the historical -incidents that had taken place in her young days; she was a most -intelligent person altogether, and had evidently been at one time a -great reader, though latterly her eyesight had shown signs of failing. - -I made up my mind to pay a visit to this Mrs. Trendall, and thought that -perhaps I might get material for a letter to the _Times_ that should not -leave the scientific investigator a leg to stand on. A month, however, -elapsed before I carried out my intention, though the Rector thought -this was not a case for procrastination: when a lady is anything over a -hundred her hold upon life shows a tendency to relax, he said, for even -the most notorious centenarians cannot be expected to live for ever. But -when I managed to make my call I must confess that I was amply repaid -for the time I spent in the company of Mrs. Trendall. - -I found her sitting in her chair in what is called the chimney corner -when it exists in its original condition in a cottage, but is termed the -"ingle nook" in those red brick imitation cottages which are being flung -about the country by those architects who concern themselves in the -development of estates. I saw at once that such a figure would be out of -place anywhere except in the chimney corner of a cottage kitchen, with -immovable windows, but a "practicable" iron crane for the swinging -of pots over the hearth fire. The atmosphere--thanks to the immobile -casements--was also all that it should be: it was congenially -centenarian, I perceived in a moment. It had a pleasant pungency of old -bacon, but though I looked about for a genuine flitch maturing in -the smoke, I failed to see one--still, the nail on which it should be -hanging was there all right. - -The old woman was quite alert. There was nothing of the wheezy gammer -about her. Only one ear was slightly deaf, she told me when I had been -introduced by her granddaughter--a woman certainly over fifty. She -smiled referring to her one infirmity, and when she smiled the parchment -of her face became like the surface of the most ancient palimpsest: it -was seamed by a thousand of the finest lines, and made me feel that -I was looking at an original etching by Rembrandt or Albert Dürer--a -"trial proof," not evenly bitten in places; and the cap she wore added -to the illusion. - -She was, I could see, what might be called a professional centenarian, -and so might retain some of those prejudices which existed long ago -against "talking shop" and therefore I refrained from referring in any -way to her age: I felt sure that when the right moment came she would -give me an opening, and I found that I had not misjudged her. I -had scarcely told her how greatly we all liked our house before she -gratified me by a reminiscence of the antepenultimate owner: he had -died, I happen to know, thirty-eight years ago, and Mrs. Trendall -remembered the morning he first rode his black horse to hounds--that was -the year before he married, and his son was now a major-general. "A -long time ago," I remarked, and she smiled the patronising smile of the -professional at the feeble effort of an incompetent amateur. "Long -ago? Oh no; only a bit over sixty years--maybe seventy." The difference -between sixty and seventy years ago was in her eyes not worth taking any -account of. Her treatment of this reminiscence gave me warning of what -she could do when she had her second wind and got into her stride. - -"You must have a great memory, Mrs. Trendall," I remarked. "Was there -much stir in this neighbourhood when Queen Victoria got married? I heard -something about a big bonfire on Earl's Beacon." - -"'Twere no more'n a lucifer match in compare with the flare up after -Waterloo," was her complacent reply; and I felt as if I had just had an -audacious pawn taken by my opponent's Queen. "Ay, Thurswell lost three -fine youngsters at Waterloo. There was Amos Scovell, him with the red -hair." - -"The one they used to call Carrots?" I suggested. - -She brightened up. - -"The very same--Carrots they called him sure enough," she said, nodding. -"But you couldn't have knowed'un; you're no more'n a stripling as yet. -Doan't you list to all that you hear from them that calls theirselves -ancient old venerables; there's not a one of'un that's truthfully -old--I'm the only one; take my word for it, sir." - -I gave her to understand (I hope) by my confidential smile and shake -of the head that I was aware of the many fraudulent claims to longevity -advanced by some of our friends about Thurswell. - -"Age? Age is an empty thing without a memory," I remarked. "But what a -memory you have, Mrs. Trendall! I shouldn't wonder if you recollected -the news of Nelson's victory at Trafalgar arriving in England--oh no: -that was too long ago even for you." - -She bridled up in a moment. - -"Too long ago for me?--too long, quotha! Don't I mind it as if it -happened no earlier'n last week? It were before I married my first. It -were my father that came a-bustling hasty like and wi' a face rosy -wi' beer and hurry, and says he, 'Nelson has broke the Frenchies on -us--broke them noble, and we may look for'un coming home any day -now,' says he; and there wasn't a sober man in the five parishes that -night--no, not a one. Ay, those was times!" - -"Surely--surely," I acquiesced. "But now that you can look back on them -quite calmly in the afternoon of your life, would you really say that -they were more lively times than when the Duke of Marlborough was doing -his fighting for us? You've heard your mother speak of Marlborough, I'm -sure." - -"My mother--speak! Why, I see'un for myself wi' these very eyes when he -come home from the wars--a nice, well-set-up gentleman, if so be that I -know what'tis to be a gentleman. It was when he come to pay his respex -to Squire Longden at Old Deane--the squire that married thrice, as -they said, the first for love, the second for lucre, and the third -for--for--now was it for liquor or learning?--Well, 'twere one of the -two. Ay, sir, those was the times--before there was any talk about -Prince Albert and the Christian Palace in London." - -"I should rather think so. And if you are old enough to remember seeing -the great Duke of Marlborough, I am sure that you may remember seeing -Oliver Cromwell when he came through Thurswell with his army?" - -"Oliver Cromwell? You've spoke the truth, sir. I see'un once--on'y once, -to be exact. I mind'un well.'Twere in the mid o' hay harvest, and father -come up to us in a mortial great haste, and says he, 'Martha lass, -throw down that rake and I'll show you the greatest sight o' your -life--Cromwell hisself on a mighty skewbald.' And, sure enough, there he -was a-galloping at the head of a fine army o' men, with guns a-rumbling -and the bugles blowing--grand as a circus--ay, Batty's Circus with all -the fun about Jump Jim Crow and Billy Barlow and the rest. Oh, I saw'un -sure." - -"And Queen Elizabeth--I wonder if you ever chanced to see her?" - -"Never, sir--never! 'Twere always the sorrow o' my life that the day -she passed through Ticebourne, where I was living with my grand-aunt -Martha--her that I was named after--I had been sent with a basket o' -three dozen eggs--one dozen of'em turkeys--to the big house, and her -ladyship not being at home I had to wait the best part of a whole hour, -and by the time I got back the Queen had driven away, so I missed -the chance o' my life; for being since my early years noteworthy for -speaking the truth to a hairs-breadth, I couldn't bring myself to say -that I had seen a royal person when I hadn't. But what I can say is that -I on'y missed seeing of her by twenty minutes, more or less." - -I began to feel that I might be overwhelmed if I were borne much farther -in the current of the pellucid stream of Mrs. Trendall's veracity; so I -rose and thanked the good woman for her courtesy, and expressed the hope -that the efforts she had made on my behalf to be rigidly accurate had -not fatigued her. - -She assured me that all she had said was nothing to what she could say -if I had a mind to listen to her. - -When I acknowledged to the Rector that the memory of Martha had -surpassed my most sanguine hopes, he was greatly delighted. I thought it -well, however, to neglect the opportunity he gave me of going into the -details of her interesting recollections. Before we dropped the subject, -he said what a pity it was that an historian of the nineteenth century -could not avail himself of the services of Martha to keep him straight -on some points that might be pronounced of a contentious nature. - -Not many days after my interesting interview with Martha, the -professional centenarian, the decease of an unobtrusive amateur was -notified to me. It came about through the temporary disorganisation of -our bread service, which I learned was due to the sudden death of the -baker's mother. Entering his shop a week or two later, I ventured to say -a word of conventional condolence to him, and this was responded to -by him with a mournful volubility that made me feel as if I had just -attended a funeral oration, or an inefficient reading of "In Memoriam." -It was a terrible blow to him, he said--a cruel blow; and he went on to -suggest that it was such an apparently gratuitous stroke that it made -even the most orthodox man doubt the existence of mercy in the Hand that -had inflicted it. - -"No doubt, no doubt," I acquiesced. "But, after all, we must all die -some day, Martin, and your good mother could scarcely be said to have -been cut off long before she had reached the allotted span. You know you -can hardly call yourself a young man still, Martin." - -He shook his head as if to hint that he had heard this sort of thing -before. I think it very probable that he had: I know that I had, more -than once. But I thought that there was no occasion for him to suggest -so much, so I boldly asked him what age his mother had reached. - -He shook his head, not laterally this time, but longitudinally, and -distributing the flies more evenly over a plate of jam tarts with a -mournful whisk of his feather duster, he replied-- - -"She was a hundred and four last February, sir." - -I turned right about and left him alone with his irreparable grief. - - - - -III. THE POINT OF VIEW - -On the subject of age, I may say that it has always seemed to me that -it is the aim of most people to appear as young as possible--and perhaps -even more so--for as long as possible--and perhaps even longer; but -then it seems gradually to dawn upon them that there may be as much -distinction attached to age as to youth, and those who have been trying -to pass themselves off as much younger than they really are turn their -attention in the other direction and endeavour to make themselves out to -be much older than the number of their years. It is, of course, chiefly -in the cottages that the real veterans are to be found--old men and -women who take a proper pride in having reached a great if somewhat -indefinite age, and in holding in contempt the efforts of a neighbour to -rival them in this way. One of the peculiarities of these good folk is -to become hilarious over the news of the death of some contemporary. -I have seen ancient men chuckle at the notion of their having survived -some neighbour who, they averred with great emphasis, was much their -junior. The idea seems to strike them as being highly humorous. And so -perhaps it may be, humour being so highly dependent upon the standpoint -from which it is viewed. - -In the cottages the conversation frequently turns upon the probability -of an aged inmate being gathered unto his fathers before next harvest -or, if in autumn, before the first snow, and the utmost frankness -characterises the remarks made on this subject in the presence of -the person who might be supposed to be the most interested in the -discussion, though, as a matter of fact, he is as little interested in -it as the Tichborne claimant acknowledged he was in his trial after it -had passed its fortieth day. I was fortunate enough to reach the shelter -of a farm cottage before a great storm a few years ago, and on a truckle -bed in the warm side of the living room of the family there lay an old -man, who nodded to me and quavered out a "good marn." I asked the woman, -who was peeling potatoes sitting on a stool, if he was her father or her -husband's father. - -"He's Grandpaw Beck; but don't you take any heed o' him, sir, he's -dying," she replied, with the utmost cheerfulness. "Doctor's bin here -yestereve, and says he'll be laid out afore a week. But we've everything -handylike and ready for'un." - -[Illustration: 0033] - -She pointed to a chair on which some white garments were neatly laid. "I -run the iron o'er'em afore settin' to the bit o' dinner," she explained. - -I glanced at the old man. He nodded his approval of her good -housekeeping. He clearly thought that procrastination should be -discountenanced. - -The flashes of lightning and the peals of thunder seemed to me to be by -no means extravagant accompaniments to this grim scene (as it appeared -in my eyes). I have certainly known far less impressive scenes on -the stage thought worthy of the illumination of lightning and the -punctuation of thunder claps. - -This familiar treatment of the subject of the coming of the grim figure -with the scythe prevails in every direction. A friend of mine had a like -experience in a cottage in another part of the country. The man of the -house--he was a farm labourer--was about to emigrate to Canada, and was -anxious to get as good a price as possible for some pieces of old china -in his possession, and my friend had called to see them by invitation. -He was brought into a bedroom where the plates were to be seen on a -dresser; and by way of making conversation on entering the room, he -asked the man when he thought of leaving England. - -"Oh, very shortly now," he replied. "Just as soon as feyther there dies" -(jerking his head in the direction of a bed), "and he's far gone--he's -dying fast--Doctor Jaffray gives us great hope that a week'll -finish'un." - -He then went on to talk about the china, explaining that three of the -pieces had been brought by his grandmother from the Manor House, where -she had been still-room maid for twenty-six years. - -"Twenty-eight years--twenty-eight years, Amos," came a correcting -falsetto from the bed. - -"You know nowt o' the matter," cried the son. "This is no business o' -yours. We doan't want none o' your jaw. Go on wi' your dying." - - - - -CHAPTER TWO.--OUTSIDE THE VILLAGE - - - - -I.--THE GENERAL - -ON A VERY DIFFERENT PLANE OF INterest I regard my experience of two -delightful old people whom I found living, the one a mile or two on -the Brindlington side of Thurswell, the other on the Broadminster side, -"where the Dean lives." The former is an old general who once -commanded a regiment of Sikhs and spent fifty years in India. He is now -eighty-three years of age, and has two sons with the rank of colonel, a -grandson who is a captain of Sappers, and two who are lieutenants in -the navy. The old man has nothing of the bristling retired general about -him--not even the liver. He is of a gentle, genial nature, not very -anxious to hear the latest news, and not at all eager to make his -visitors acquainted with his experiences in India or his views as to the -exact degree of decadence reached by "the sarvice." He speaks in a low -and an almost apologetic tone, and is interested in old Oriental china -and tortoiseshell tea-caddies. One could never believe that this was -the man whose sobriquet of Shire-i-Iran (Lion of Persia) was once a -household word along the turbulent northwest frontier, or that he had -been the most brilliant exponent of all the dash which one associates -with the cavalry leader. His reputation on that long frontier was that -of an Oriental equivalent of the Wild Huntsman of the German ballad. -People had visions of him galloping by night at the head of his splendid -Sikhs to cut off the latest fanatical insurrectionary from his supports, -and then sweep him and his marauders off the face of the earth. -Certainly no cavalry leader ever handled his men with that daring -which he displayed--a daring that would have deserved to be called -recklessness had it once failed.... And there he sat at dinner, talking -in his low voice about the fluted rim of one of his tea-caddies, and -explaining how it was quite possible to repair the silver stringing that -beautified the top. Once I fancied I overheard him telling the person -who sat by him at dinner about the native regiments--I felt sure that -I heard the word "Sepoy," and I became alert. Alas! the word that I had -caught was only "tea-poy"--he was telling how he had got a finely cut -glass for a deficient caddie out of an old nineteenth-century mahogany -tea-poy. That was the nearest approach he made to the days of his -greatness. - -But I noticed with satisfaction that he partook of every dish that was -offered to him--down to the marmalade pudding. At dessert he glanced -down the table and said that he thought he would have an apple. "No, -dear," said his daughter, gently but firmly removing the dish beyond his -reach. "You know that you are not allowed to touch apples." - -"Why, what harm will an apple do me--just one--only one apple?" he -inquired, and there were tears in his voice--it had become a tremulous -pipe, the tone of a child whose treat had been unjustly curtailed. "No, -dear, not even one. It is for your own good: you should have an apple if -it agreed with you; but it doesn't." - -"I want an apple--I can't see what harm an apple would do me," he cried -again. But his daughter was firm. It was very pathetic to witness -the scene. The Lion of Persia becoming plaintive at being denied a -rosy-cheeked apple. The man who, with a force of only six hundred sabres -behind him, had ridden up to Mir Ali Singh with the three thousand -rebels supporting him, and demanded his sword, and got it, not being -able to get his apple when he had asked for it nicely, seemed to me to -be a most pathetic figure. I pleaded for him as one pleads for a child -in the nursery: he had been a good boy and had eaten all that had been -set before him quite nicely--why might he not have an apple to make him -happy? - -But the daughter was inexorable. She told me that I did not know her -father, while she did. An apple would be poison to him; and so the old -hero was left complaining, with an occasional falsetto note, upon the -restrictions of his commissariat. I am pretty sure that there was no -falsetto note in any of his complaints in regard to commissariat forty -years ago. - -He was a noble old warrior, however, for when his daughter had, with the -rest of the ladies, left us after dinner, he never put out a hand to -the apple dish, though there was no man at the table who would have -interfered with him had he done so; the Newtown Pippins remained -blushing, but not on account of any disloyalty on his part to the duty -he owed to the daughter who had his welfare at heart. - - - - -II.--THE DEAR OLD LADY - -The aged lady who lives in a lovely old moated house a few miles out of -Thurswell is one of the youngest people I ever met. She is the mother -of two distinguished sons and the grandmother of a peeress. She takes an -interest in everything that is going on in various parts of the world, -and even points out the mistakes made by the leader-writers in the -London papers--some of the mistakes. But she does so quite cheerfully -and without any animus. She still sketches _en plein air_, and in her -drawings there is no suggestion of the drawing-master of the early -Victorians. Any elderly person who could hold a pencil and whose moral -character could bear a strict investigation was accounted competent to -teach drawing in those days; for drawing in those days meant nothing -beyond making a fair copy of a lithograph of a cottage in a wood with -a ladder leaning against a gable and a child sitting on a fence--a -possible successful statesman in the future--with a dog below him. She -never was so taught, she told me: she had always held out against the -restrictions of the schoolroom of her young days, and had never played -either the "Maiden's Prayer" or the "Battle of Prague." Thalberg's -variations on "Home Sweet Home" she had been compelled to learn. No -young lady in that era of young ladies could avoid acquiring at least -the skeleton of Thalberg's masterpiece: and I was glad that this -particular old lady, who had once been a young lady, had mastered it; -for it enabled her to give me the most delightful parody upon it that -could be imagined. - -Only once did I hear her speak with bitterness in referring to any one; -but when she began upon this occasion, she spoke not only bitterly, but -wrathfully--contemptuously as well. She was referring to the Emperor -Napoleon III. in his relations with the unhappy Maximilian of Mexico. -She had known the latter intimately. My own impression is that she had -been in love with him--and tears were in her eyes when she talked of how -he had been betrayed by the man whom she called a contemptible little -cad. Sedan represented, in her way of thinking, the cordial agreement -with her views by the Powers above. To hear her talk of those tragedies -of more than forty years ago, as if they were the incidents of the day -before yesterday, was inspiriting. I never inquired what was her age, -but one afternoon when I called upon her I found that a birthday party -was going on--a double party; for it was her birthday as well as -her youngest grandchild's. Two fully iced cakes, with pink and white -complexions, were being illuminated in the customary way, and each had -been made a candelabrum of eight tapers. When I ventured to suggest -that there must be an error in computation in some direction, it was -the younger of the beneficiaries who explained to me that about seventy -years or so ago Granny had become too old to allow of her birthday cake -holding the full amount of the candles to which she was entitled, so it -had been agreed that she should have only one candle for every ten years -of her life. The little girl confided in me that she thought it was -rather a shame to cheat poor Granny out of her rights, but of course -there was no help for it: any one could see that no cake could be made -large enough to accommodate, without undue crowding, eighty-one candles. - -I looked at the sweet old Granny, and thought, for some reason or -other, of the night of the first January of the century when I had stood -listening to the tolling of the eighty-one strokes of the church bell in -Devonshire, when every belfry in the kingdom announced the age of the -good Queen who had gone to her rest. I wondered... - -This dear lady of the eight-candle birthday cake--of which, by the bye, -she partook heartily and apparently without the least misgiving--had -been married at the age of seventeen, and this, she thought, was exactly -the right age for a girl to marry, not, as might be supposed, because -it admitted of her period of repentance being so much the longer, but -simply because she considered grandchildren so interesting. She was not -inclined to be tolerant over the prudent marriages of the present day, -when no girl is unreasonable enough to expect a proposal before she -is twenty-five, or from a man who is less than thirty-five. It almost -brought me back to Shakespeare's England to hear her express such -opinions. That stately old lady, Juliet's mother, as she appears in -every modern production of the play, was made by the author to be -something between twenty-six and twenty-seven, her daughter being some -months under fourteen, but certainly forward for her age. We used to be -informed by sage critics of this drama "of utter love defeated utterly" -that Shakespeare made Juliet so young because it was the custom in -Italy, where girls developed into womanhood at a much earlier age than -in England, for a girl to marry at Juliet's time of life. It so happens, -however, that early marriage was the custom in England and not in Italy -in the sixteenth century. When a girl was twelve her parents looked -about for a promising husband for her, and usually found one when she -was thirteen. - -Only a few months ago I came upon an unpublished letter, written in the -beautiful Gothic hand of Queen Elizabeth, in response to the inquiry of -an ambassador respecting a wife for an amiable young prince. The Queen -suggested two names of highly eligible young women, and mentioned that -one of them was twelve and the other thirteen! - -The most flagrant example of unbridled centenarianism which I have yet -come across in the course of my investigations in the neighbourhood of -Thurswell was that of a lady who had won quite a literary aureole for -her silver hair owing to the accident of her being actually the original -"Cousin Amy" of Tennyson's "Locksley Hall." For years she had worn this -honourable distinction, and, so far as I could gather, her title to it -had never been disputed. Even in the Cathedral Close of Broadminster the -tradition had been accepted, and she had been pointed out to strangers, -who doubtless looked at her with interest, saying, "Not really!" or "How -perfectly sweet!" - -I ventured to ask the prebendary who had told me that the poet had been -in love with her and consequently "greatly cut up" when she married some -one else--as might be inferred from some passages in the poem--what -was the present age of the lady, and he assured me that she was -seventy-four. She did not look it, but she really was seventy-four. I -had not the heart to point out that twenty-three years had elapsed since -Tennyson published his sequel--"Sixty Years After"--to his "Locksley -Hall," so that this "Cousin Amy" must be at least a centenarian if she -had not died, as described in the sequel, between eighty and ninety -years ago. She was, however, a nice old lady and her name was really -Amy, and she had known Alfred Tennyson when she had been very young and -he a middle-aged gentleman whom it was a great privilege to know. - - - - -CHAPTER THREE--THE VILLAGE VILLAS - - - - -I.--THE PILLARS OF SOCIETY - -THURSWELL IS UNDOUBTEDLY AN IDeal English village situated in the -midst of an agricultural county, and far away from the unhealthy and -demoralising influences of trade. It prides itself on being "select"--so -does every other English village, even when it lies deep embowered among -the striking scenery of a coal-mining district. But Thurswell is really -"select." A strange family may come to one of the best houses--one -of the four or five that have entrance gates with lodges and carriage -drives--and yet remain absolutely ignored by the older residents. Of -course the shopkeepers pay the newcomers some little attention, and the -ladies who collect for the various charities and the various churches -are quite polite in making early calls; but the question of calling -formally and leaving cards simply because the people are newcomers, -requires to be thoroughly threshed out before it is followed by any -active movement on the part of the senior residents. It has been -called unsocial on this account; but everybody in the world--at least, -everybody in Thurswell--knows that to be called unsocial is only another -way of being called select The Rector must pronounce an opinion on the -strangers, and--more important still--the Rector's wife. The example of -the Barnaby-Granges, who have lived for centuries at the Moated Manor -House, must be observed for what it is worth. It is understood that -people like the Barnaby-Granges may call upon strangers out of a sense -of duty; but every one knows how far astray from the path trod by the -"select" a sense of duty may lead one, so that the fact of the Manor -House people having called upon the newcomer is not invariably regarded -as conferring upon the latter the privilege of a passport to the most -representative Society at Thurswell. The strangers must wait until Mrs. -Lingard and Miss Mercer have decided whether they are to be called on -or ignored. Mrs. Lingard is the widow of a captain of Sappers, and Miss -Mercer is the middle-aged daughter of a previous rector, and for years -these ladies have assumed the right of veto in respect of the question -of calling upon newcomers. Within the past year, however, this question, -it should be mentioned, has developed certain complications, owing to -the strained relations existing between the two ladies. Previously they -formed a sort of vigilance committee to determine what should be done, -but since the breaking off of diplomatic relations between them the poor -people who had previously looked to them jointly for guidance are -now compelled to consult them severally as to the course they mean to -pursue, and all this takes time, and the loss of time in the etiquette -of first calls may be construed into actual rudeness by sensitive -people. - -That is how we stand at present; and although many well-meaning -persons--not invariably belonging to clerical circles--have endeavoured -to bring about a _rapprochement_ for the good of the whole community -between Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer, hitherto every effort of the kind -has failed. - -When the particulars of the incident that brought about the friction -between the two ladies are known, it will easily be understood that -a restoration of the _status quo ante_ is not to be accomplished in a -moment. - -It was all due to the exceptionally dry summer. People who retain -only the pleasantest recollections of that season of sunlight and balmy -breezes will probably find reason to modify their views respecting it -when they hear how it led to the shattering of an old friendship and, -incidentally, to the complication of the most important social question -that can come before such a community as is represented by Thurs-well. - - - - -II.--THE SHATTERING OF THE PILLARS - -The facts of the matter are simple enough in their way. Each of the -ladies occupies a small house of her own, fully, and not semi-detached, -with a small patch of green in front and a small garden at the back; -but the combined needs of front and back are not considered sufficiently -great to take up all the time of a gardener working six days in the week -during the summer. There is enough work, however, to take up three days -of the six, with window-cleaning thrown in, in slack seasons. As the -conditions of labour are identical in the case of the gardens of both -ladies--only Miss Mercer throws in the washing of her pug to balance -Mrs. Lingard's window-cleaning--John Bingham, the jobbing gardener of -Thurswell, suggested several years ago that he should divide his time -between the two gardens, and this plan, to all appearances, worked very -satisfactorily in regard to every one concerned. - -[Illustration: 0051] - -Only John Bingham was aware of the trouble involved in keeping both -gardens on precisely the same level of "getting on"--only John Bingham -was aware of the difficulty of preventing either of the ladies from -seeing that anything in the garden of the other was "getting on" better -than the same thing in her own patch. It might have been fancied that -as they were in complete agreement respecting the necessity for a strict -censorship upon the visiting lists of the neighbourhood as regards -strangers, there could not possibly exist any rivalry between them on so -insignificant a matter as the growth of a petunia or the campanile of -a campanula; but John Bingham knew better. It had been his task year -by year to minimise to the one lady his success with the garden of -the other--to say a word of disparagement on Thursdays, Fridays, and -Saturdays of all that he had been praising on Mondays, Tuesdays, and -Wednesdays. But sometimes Nature is stronger even than her greatest -enemy, a jobbing gardener, and so it was that when Mrs. Lingard chanced -to pay a visit to Miss Mercer on a Thursday, she found the garden of the -latter, just recovering from the hand of John Bingham's attention on the -Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, obviously superior in some respects to -her own, and John found his diplomatic resources quite unable to meet -with the demand for an explanation when she got home. It was in vain -that he tried to make her understand, what she certainly should have -known already from her experience of the ministrations of John--namely, -that not he, but the superior soil and aspect of Miss Mercer's -herbaceous border, should be regarded accountable for the marvellous -growths which had attracted her attention in the garden of her rival. -His Thursday, Friday, and Saturday patron declared herself far from -satisfied with such an explanation. Soil! Had she ever shown herself -to be close-fisted in the matter of soil? she inquired. And as for -aspect--had he not chosen the aspect of the herbaceous border at which -he was now working? No, she knew very well, she affirmed, that what -made a garden beautiful was loving care. She professed herself unable to -understand why John should lavish all his affection upon Miss Mercer's -border rather than upon her own; all that she could do was to judge by -results, and, viewed from this basis, it could not but be apparent -to every unprejudiced observer that he had been giving Miss Mercer's -borders such loving touches as he had never bestowed upon her own: the -flowers spoke for themselves. - -John had heard of the Language of Flowers, but he had never mastered the -elements of their speech. As a matter of fact, he took no interest in -flowers or their habits. He had "dratted" them times without number for -their failure to do all that the illustrated catalogues declared they -would do, and now he found reason to drat those of Miss Mercer for -having done much more than he had meant them to do. It was with a view -to restore the balance of mediocrity between the gardens, which had been -through no fault of his, disturbed by a sudden outbreak of "Blushing -Brides" in Miss Mercer's parterre, that he gave some extra waterings -to Mrs. Lingard's verbinas, trusting to convince her that he was -a thoroughly disinterested operator in both the gardens--which was -certainly a fact. But in that arid summer the response of the verbinas -was but too rapid, and Miss Mercer, calling upon her friend (and rival), -was shown the bed with the same pride that she had displayed when -exhibiting her petunias. - -She said nothing--the day was Saturday--but she perceived, with that -unerring intuition which in some persons almost takes the place of -genius, that petunias had been supplanted (literally) by verbinas in the -affections of John Bingham. - -She spent the Sunday rehearsing an interview which she had arranged in -her mind to have with John Bingham when he should arrive the next day. - -But Monday came, and John Bingham failed to arrive. She waited at the -back entrance to the garden until ten o'clock, but still he did not -appear. Then she sent a messenger to his cottage to inquire the cause -of his absence. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday were her days for his -services, and never once had he failed her. She could not guess what was -the matter. She had always regarded him as a sober man and one for whom -Monday morning had no terrors. The mystery of his first failure was -rendered all the more unfathomable when the tweeny maid returned saying -that Mrs. Bingham had told her positive that John had gone out to work -as usual that same morning, and that Mrs. Bingham had taken it for -granted that he was in Miss Mercer's garden. - -For a quarter of an hour Miss Mercer pondered over the whole incident, -and then she suddenly put on another hat, discarding the garden specimen -with which she had begun the day, and went down the road and round by -the Moated Manor House to where Mrs. Lingard's villa was situated, just -beyond the knoll of elms. The hall door was wide open to the morning -air, and through the glass door at the farther end of the hall she -distinctly saw Mrs. Lingard standing on the edge of one of the beds of -the garden with John Bingham kneeling at her feet. - -And this on a Monday morning! - -John Bingham had actually attended morning ser-vice in the church the -day before--Miss Mercer had seen him there--and yet on Monday he -had broken faith with her, and now, at ten-thirty, he was engaged in -planting out the contents of the capacious basket which Mrs. Lingard was -doling out to him. - -And Mrs. Lingard was wearing her garden hat just as if the day was -Thursday, Friday, or Saturday, when she was entitled to his services. - -And Mrs. Lingard had also been at church the previous day and had -repeated the responses in her ordinary tone of voice, and without -faltering, though beyond a doubt her heart had been full of this scheme -of suborning a faithful, if somewhat weak, servant from his allegiance -to the mistress who had an undisputed claim to his services the next -day! - -Without a moment's hesitation Miss Mercer passed into the hall, opened -the glass door beyond, and stood beside the guilty pair before either -of them was aware of her presence. She saw that the man was planting -asters--the finest aster cuttings she had ever seen. - -"John Bingham, are you aware that this is Monday morning?" she said in -an accusing voice, and so suddenly that a cry of surprise--it may have -been with guilt--came from Mrs. Lingard, and John Bingham let drop his -trowel and wiped his forehead. - -"Good gracious, Lucy! Where did you drop from without warning?" cried -the lady in the garden hat. - -"I am addressing John Bingham, madam," said Miss Mercer in icy tones. -"And once again I ask John Bingham what he means by being here when his -place should be in my garden." - -"I can easily explain, my good woman," said Mrs. Lingard, lapsing, under -the "madam" of the other, into the tone of voice she had found effective -with the native servants in the West Indian island of St. Lucia when her -husband had been stationed there. - -"I am not addressing you, madam," said Miss Mercer hotly: her glacial -period had passed and had given place to the volcanic--the -suppressed volcanic. "I wish to be informed why this man--this -traitor--this--this----" - -"Don't be a greater fool than you are by nature, my good creature," said -Mrs. Lingard. "But I might have known that you could be disagreeable -over even such a trifle as my sending to John Bingham to assist me -for an hour in planting out the asters which were only delivered this -morning when they should have been here on Saturday. If I had not begged -him to come to my help for a couple of hours the lot would have been -spoiled. In justice to him I will say that he was very unwilling to -come." - -"And what does that mean, pray?" asked Miss Mercer sneeringly. - -"It means that he knew you better than I did," responded Mrs. Lingard. -"He has had more experience of your narrow-mindedness than I have had. -Now, go on with your work, John. Don't mind her." - -But John did not go on with his work. He touched his forehead with the -drooping aster that he held rather limply, saying, in the direction of -Miss Mercer--"I can easy make up the extra however, ma'am--mortal easy, -in the evenin', and so I thought or I wouldn't be here now." - -"There, let that satisfy you, make your mind easy; you'll not be -defrauded of the shilling for his two hours," said Mrs. Lingard. - -"You will be good enough to dictate to your inferiors, if such exist, -madam; you need not dictate to me. You may keep your John Bingham now -that you have him; I have made other arrangements for the future of my -garden." - -She turned with a mock courtesy. Mrs. Lingard also turned. - -"Lucy Mercer, go back to your--your--your hen-run," she cried, pointing -dramatically to the place of exit. "Go on with your work, John Bingham. -Mrs. Hopewell will only be too glad to take on your Thursdays, Fridays, -and Saturdays. _She_ has a garden--_a garden_." - -That is the true and circumstantial account of how Mrs. Lingard and Miss -Mercer ceased to be on speaking terms, and that is how it is that many -people are becoming more hopeful of the future of Thurswell as the -centre of a social neighbourhood. Each lady still arrogates to herself -the right of veto in respect of the claims of any strange family to be -visited on taking up their residence within reasonable visiting distance -of Thurswell; but the people who formerly had been ready to accept the -dictum of the two in such social matters are now beginning not only to -assert their own independence of action, but even to dictate to others -on all points on which they themselves had been dictated to--in no mild -way--by Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer. But a mistake that was recently -made by one of these immature dictators has done much to chasten their -longing to take up the responsibilities attached to such a position. She -had spoken with that definiteness which marks the amateur on the subject -of the visiting of a certain Mrs. Judson Hyphen Marks who had taken -Higham Lodge for a year, and accordingly quite a number of people left -cards upon her. But suddenly the name of Judson Hyphen Marks appeared -rather prominently in the columns devoted to the Law Court proceedings -in the daily papers, and some curious information respecting the -_ménage_ of the Judson Hyphen Marks was brought under the notice of the -people of Thurswell and, indeed, of England generally; and those who had -left cards upon them consulted together as to whether it was possible or -not for them to ask for their cards to be returned to them. - -The general opinion that prevailed after several long discussions on -this question was that no social machinery existed by which so desirable -an object might be effected, and no move was made in that direction; but -ever afterward the dictation of the feeble amateur who thought to take -the social reins out of the hands of Mrs. Lingard and Miss Mercer -when it was found that they were pulling them in opposite directions, -threatening to upset the social apple-cart, was received for what it was -worth, not for what it claimed to be worth. - - - - -III.--FLOWERS AND FRIENDSHIPS - -The instance just recorded of horticulture playing a prominent part in -the breaking up of friendships is by no means unique. When one comes -to think of it, one cannot be surprised that as the earliest serious -quarrel recorded in the history of the world was over a purely -horticultural question--namely, whether or not the qualities of -beneficent nutrition attributed to a certain fruit had been accurately -analysed--there should be many differences of opinion among the best of -friends on the same subject. - -It was my old gardener--not-the oldest of all, but the second -oldest--who told me how it was that the annual prize given by the Moated -Manor House people for the best floral display of the cottage order was -very nearly withdrawn for ever, owing to the bad blood that was made by -the award, no matter in what direction it was made. It seemed that the -prize-winner invariably found himself compelled to accept the challenge -to fight of all the disappointed aspirants to the prize, and before -nightfall there was a general distribution of black eyes and front -teeth; in some cases both got inextricably mixed up, and this was no -pleasure to anybody, my informant assured me, and the wives of the men -who were keen to compete for the prize discouraged them from it, -with the warning that if they continued to spend their time over the -cultivation of the blooms they might some day actually find themselves -awarded the prize. That warning, founded as it was upon sound sense and -reason, was beginning to produce its effects upon the better class of -flower growers; but there were still a number of young fellows who went -into training at the punch ball at the Church Institute club-room the -day they sowed their flower seeds, and so were at the top of their form -when the award was made in the early autumn, so that if one of them got -the prize he thought if a pity that his training and practice at the -punch ball should be wasted, and thus he was ready to prove to all -disputants that the prize had gone to the best man; while it was only to -be expected that those who had only had the cold consolation of honorary -mention were only too ready to dispute his ability to maintain such an -attitude for any length of time. - -The result of this joint cultivation of bulbs and biceps was not just -what the givers of the prize intended to achieve, and twice, when there -had been arrests and summonses to petty sessions, a formal warning was -issued to all whom it might concern that if the connection between -the two cultures were not severed, the prize, which was only meant for -success in the one, would be withdrawn. - -Happily, however, it was not found necessary to enforce this ultimatum, -and a _modus vivendi,_ founded upon one which had been understood to -work very satisfactorily in the case of the Chrysanthemum Society of -Mallingham, was adopted, and up to the present this had made for peace. -The annual Battle of Flowers at Thurswell has become a thing of the -past, and "Midge" Purcell, the ex-lightweight champion of the county, -who rents the Lion and Lamb Inn, and to whom the candidates for the -prize applied for advice on the biceps side of the joint contest, -affirms with regret that Englishmen are becoming degenerate. - -It was a peace-loving florist at Mallingham, the honorary secretary -to the Chrysanthemum Society, who explained the system upon which his -committee had agreed to make their awards, and urged its adoption by -the Thurswell people. Its operation was not intricate. Its fundamental -principle may best be defined on the analogy of the rotation of crops as -the rotation of awards. Like the award of the Garter, merit had nothing -to do with its scheme. The prizes were awarded strictly in turn to the -professional competitors--the others did not matter. Mr. Johnson got the -chrysanthemum cup one year, Mr. Thompson the medal for the best twelve cut -lilies, Mr. Cardwell the Malmaison salver, and Mr. Prior the vase for -the best display of greenhouse ferns. The next year it was arranged that -the vase should go to Mr. Johnson, the salver to Mr. Thompson, and so -forth. By the adoption of this admirable plan the judges were saved a -large amount of trouble, and there never was any friction between the -competitors, for it was understood that if it was Prior's year for the -lily medal, but he had a liking for any other prize, he could nearly -always negotiate an exchange with the man whose turn had come for the -award that he fancied. This principle of give and take, live and -let live, had made the Mallingham Society one of the most popular -floricultural organisations in the country, and its adoption by the -Thurswell Committee of the Manor House prize brought about, as has been -said, an entire cessation of that ill-feeling which led to the use -of language that was certainly not the language of flowers, and to -many-discreditable scenes even when there were no arrests made. The -cause of peace has triumphed, though some people say that floriculture -languishes through the lack of heal thy rivalry; for when every man is -certain of the prize when his turn comes for it, he does not trouble -about the flowers. There may be something in this suggestion. - -Taking one consideration with another, it really does seem a pity that -the rotation system is not more widely accepted by those societies which -have been established for the encouragement of sundry excellent objects, -such as the breeding of bull-dogs (for symbolic purposes), of pugs -(of no use to any one when they are bred), of pigs (of which the -prize-winner is invariably the most uneatable), and of pets (in various -forms). In our neighbourhood such organisations are to be numbered by -the dozen, and after every prize distribution the air is murmurous with -the complaints of disappointed competitors. It was a shrewd farmer who -suggested to me the principle on which the awards are made at our local -dog show. "The reason why there's so much grumbling, sir, is because the -judges look at the wrong end of the leash," he said, and I understood -what he meant. - -[Illustration: 0061] - -I know that the impression is very general that the pedigree of the -exhibitor rather than that of the exhibit influences the local judges. - -But I must confess that I could not bring myself to sympathise with one -of our new residents who, after living in London all his life, bought -Harley Croft House, a 40 h.p. motor-car and six pairs of gaiters, and -set up as a country gentleman. It must be acknowledged that at times he -looked a colourable imitation of one. He hoped that his starting of -the breeding of cattle and fowl would consolidate his position. But his -researches in the literature of both subjects at the same time resulted -in some confusion. Of course his pointing out some drab-tinted cows -to the steward of the Manor and alluding to them definitely as Buff -Orpingtons was a slip that any one might make; but to hope to win -sympathy for a wrong done to him by the judges at the poultry show by -affirming that his bantam cock was really twice the size of the one to -which the prize had been awarded was, I think, a strategical mistake of -a flagrant character. - -Much more in the spirit of the country gentleman was the remark made to -me by a neighbour who hunts five days a week in winter and talks about -hunting seven days a week in the summer, on a purely literary subject. -He had been at the Military Tournament in London the year that _The -Merchant of Venice_ was being played at Her Majesty's Theatre, and he -confided in me that he thought on the whole it was very fine indeed, -though for his part he enjoyed _The Runaway Girl_ at the Gaiety more -fully. He could not quite understand the point of some of the jokes in -_The Merchant of Venice_, he said. For instance, he should like to know -what there was to laugh at in the chap's saying to the Jew that some one -had shown him a turquoise which he had bought from the Jew's daughter -for a monkey. Any one who knew anything about precious stones knew that -to pay a monkey for a single turquoise, even though set in an 18-carat -ring, was to pay a fair price. Of course you couldn't get much of a -diamond ring for twenty-five pounds; but you could get a first-rate -turquoise for half the money. But there were some people, he knew, -who would laugh at any joke if they were only told it was in a play of -Shakespeare's. I agreed with him, and laughed. - -That was not the sort of man who would make a fool of himself over -Buff Orpingtons or cherish his bantams in proportion to their size and -weight. - - - - -CHAPTER FOUR--THE COMEDIES OF THE COUNTRY HOUSE - - - - -I.--LESSEES FROM THE MIDLANDS - -IT WAS THE REPRESENTATIVE OF THE second generation of one of the -shirt-sleeves families of the midlands who took a lease of Nethershire -Castle, the finest mansion in our neighbourhood. The Court of Chancery -had decreed that it might be let for a term of years, the length of -which was fixed by certain Commissioners in Lunacy, for Sir Ralph -Richards had been in the care of a specialist in mental diseases for -a long time, and it was understood that there were little hopes of his -ever being able to enjoy his own again. Higgins was the name of the -lessee from the north, and with his wife and family he had occupied the -Castle for close upon ten years. He was a simple enough man as regards -his tastes: he could not appreciate the beauty of the cedar wood ceiling -of the banqueting hall or the Renaissance carved panels of the library. -The splendid Gainsboroughs and Romneys of the Long Gallery made no more -appeal to him than did the Van Dycks in the great hall or the three -Fragonards of the drawing-room. He was quite satisfied with the -reputation of having sufficient money to pay for the privilege of living -in the midst of these masterpieces and of keeping about an acre and -a half of roof in good repair: he knew more about the advantages of -close-fitting slates than of the methods of eighteenth-century English -artists or of fifteenth-century Italian carvers. - -His wife, however, valued to the full the artistic privileges of -living in so splendid a house, and she was not one to shrink before the -searching glances of Frances Anne, the wife of the first baronet of the -house of Richards, as painted by Sir Joshua, sacrificing to Venus, or -to assume that Lady Elizabeth had turned aside from making a libation -to Hymen--Hymen demanded quite as many sacrifices as Venus on -eighteenth-century canvases--to ask her what right she had to sit in the -seats of the Richards of Nethershire Castle. She knew what her husband -paid in the way of rent, and she felt that the same was large enough to -avert from her any indignant look that a sentimentalist might imagine on -the face of the most malevolent family portrait. In fact, Mrs. Higgins -considered the sum large enough to allow of her assuming the attitude of -the patroness in regard to the pictures: she had actually been heard by -a friend of the Richards to express a critical opinion respecting the -pose of the daughter of the second baronet--the one who became well -known as the Countess of Avonwater--in Romney's picture of her as -Circe, and to suggest that the charger of Lieut.-Colonel Jack Churchill -Richards--he was called after his father's great commander--in the -picture by Sir Godfrey Kneller was scarcely large enough to make a polo -pony. It was, however, clearly understood that these criticisms were -offered by the lady only by way of establishing her rights over the -contents of the mansion so long as her husband paid so handsomely as he -did for the privilege of such an entourage. She had probably heard of -certain rights-of-way being maintained by a formal walking over the -ground to which they referred, by the claimant, once a year, and so she -thought it well to walk over the pictures, so to speak, now and again to -show that she understood the rights of her position. She really felt -the greatest pride in everything, and in the course of a few years her -feeling in regard to them was that of a conscientious descendant from -illustrious ancestors. She was much prouder of them than the modern -Major-General in _Patience_ was of his ancestors acquired by purchase. - -A visit that I paid to the Castle in the temporary possession of the -family of Higgins was illuminating. I went not because I had ever met -either Mr. or Mrs. Higgins, but because I was acquainted with Miss -Richards, a charming old lady who was the sister of the unhappy baronet, -and had been born in the Castle and lived there for twenty-five or -thirty years, only leaving for the dower-house on the death of her -mother. - -Miss Richards was on the friendliest terms with the tenants of her old -home, and I could see that they were pleased to welcome all the friends -whom she might bring with her to see the wonders of the Castle. But it -was Mrs. Higgins who "did the honours" of the picture gallery, when we -went thitherward after tea one lovely afternoon in sum mer shortly after -I had come to Thurswell. It was Mrs. Higgins who assumed the rôle of -Cicerone and told me all about the pictures, and gave me duodecimo -biographies of the originals with all the familiarity that one would -expect only from a member of the family. Miss Richards stood by smiling -quite pleasantly, even when Mrs. Higgins looked at her, saying something -about a pink-coated Captain Richards by Raeburn, and I was disposed to -laugh at the comedy of Mrs. Higgins of Lancashire telling Miss Richards -of Nethershire something confidential about Captain Richards, her -great-granduncle! - -I admired the picture, but not nearly so much as I did the coolness of -Mrs. Higgins and the kindly toleration of Miss Richards. - -"And this is the portrait by Thornhill of Miss Esther Richards, who -afterwards married General Forster, who took part in the American War, -and to avenge the murder of poor André--he called it murder, though, -of course, some people think that André was really a spy," said Mrs. -Higgins. "Doesn't it seem strange to think of that sweet little girl-" - -"Oh, pardon me," cried Miss Richards, "you are not quite right. That is -Lotitia Richards by North-cote. She married Sir Charles Brewster, who -was killed at Waterloo." - -"Oh no," said the tenant, "you are quite wrong. I assure you that this -is Esther. Your Lotitia is the girl in Oriental costume in the library." - -"My dear Mrs. Higgins, how could I possibly be mistaken over such a -matter?" said Miss Richards. "My dear mother told me how Letty Brewster -came here one day when she was eighty-two years of age, and how pathetic -it was to see her stand before her own picture done when a girl; but my -mother said that really some of the charm of the picture--she had lovely -eyes, as you can see--was apparent on the face of the dear old lady of -eighty-two." - -"I am afraid that you are mixing this picture with another," said Mrs. -Higgins quite good-naturedly. - -And then Miss Richards gave a laugh. - -"We had better pass this picture and look at one which could not -possibly be mixed up with another," she said. "I hope you will agree -with me in believing that this is Hoppner's Lady Charlotte Richards, -Mrs. Higgins." - -"Oh yes, you are quite right about _that one_," said Mrs. Higgins as -graciously as a governess commending the right answer given by an errant -pupil. "Oh yes, that is Lady Charlotte. I believe she became pious and -wrote a hymn. You have heard that, I suppose, Miss Richards?" - -"I do believe I did," replied Miss Richards. "In fact, I have the tiny -volume of hymns which she wrote. She was under the influence of Lady -Huntingdon." - -But Mrs. Higgins clearly took very little interest in Lady Huntingdon, -and she went down the gallery making mistake after mistake; but Miss -Richards never attempted to correct her--only once she caught my eye. -Mrs. Higgins had attributed the Master Richards of Lawrence to Sir Peter -Lely! - -We were far away from the Castle before we had our laugh. - -"Wasn't it really funny?" said Miss Richards. - -"I think that you must be the most even-tempered person in the county, -if not in all England," said I. - -The friendly relations existing between the two ladies were not at all -changed by the persistent patronage of the picture gallery by the one -who was the tenant, and Mrs. Higgins was always ready to offer a hearty -welcome to any of Miss Richards' friends and to do the honours of the -Castle. I did not, however, trespass upon her hospitality a second time. - -A year or two later I met a curious sort of gentleman who bore the same -name as that of a family of considerable importance--county importance, -I should say, for outside a ten-mile radius they are, as is usually -the case, absolute nonentities. I had heard some say, however, that the -family grounds included a rather wonderful fountain which I thought -I should like to see. I asked the man if he was any relation to the -family, and he replied, brightening up wonderfully, that they were his -cousins. - -"I believe they have a nice place," said I. "Isn't there a fountain that -came from the Villa Borghese? I am greatly interested in that sort of -thing." - -"You must mean the one with the mermaids," said he. - -"I dare say that is the one," said I. - -"If you go in for things like that you should certainly see it," he -cried. "Let me see how I can manage it." - -"You are very kind," said I. "But I could not think of bothering you in -the matter. I dare say that some day I shall have a chance----" - -"I have it," he cried. "The family are going away for a fortnight at -Easter, and when they are gone I could easily show you over the grounds. -I'll just make sure of the day they leave, so that there may be no -mistake." - -In spite of a promise of such lavish hospitality, I resisted the -temptation of being shown over the grounds in the way that was proposed: -the fact being that I had no confidence in my own ability to act the -part of the housekeeper's nephew or the second footman's uncle who are -admitted to the great house when the family are away. - -I trust, however, that I convinced the enterprising cousin of the great -house that I fully appreciated his spirited offer to allow me a peep at -the Borghese fountain through a chink in the back door, as it were. - -I learned subsequently that the great family started in a tannery in -Mallingham a hundred and twenty years ago. It was no wonder that any one -in my station of life could only be expected to approach their demesne -by a back way. - - - - -II.--THE LEGENDS OF THE COUNTRY HOUSE - -On the subject of great houses, I may venture to say, it has always -seemed to me to show a singular lack of imagination on the part of some -one that one legend should be forced to do duty for so large a group, -and this legend so devoid of any stimulating quality. It seems to me -that the legends of the country houses of England are, like all Gaul, -divided into three parts. All through the south one is shown the room -in the mansion in which Queen Elizabeth slept. There is scarcely a Tudor -house in which that particular monarch did not sleep for at least one -night of her life, and so highly cherished is this family tradition that -I have known of cases in which she slept in a room at least sixty -years before the mansion itself was built. Then around London one is -constantly pointed out by local antiquaries the house in which Nell -Gwyn lived. "Madam Ellen" certainly seemed given to "flitting." A dozen -houses at least are associated with her name. North of the Tweed we are -confronted with the Mary Queen of Scots and the Bonnie Prince Charlie -legends. Any story that fails to touch upon the vague history of the -worthies whom I have ventured to name as presiding over each department -of tradition, seems to be regarded as uninteresting. Although monarchs -of quite as blessed memory as Queen Elizabeth must have slept in many -mansions in their time, yet few rooms are consecrated to the memory -of their slumbers, and although many ladies of the Court were quite as -deserving of having their memory enshrined or ensign-ed in the name of -a fully licensed public-house as Evelyn's "Impudent Comedian," yet none -seem to be regarded as so good a draw as Nell Gwyn. The chairs of Mary -Queen of Scots are as plentiful as the mementoes of the other Stuart -worthies. I myself have seen in a mansion an Italian cabinet which I -was assured had belonged to Queen Mary. But when I asked for evidence on -this point I found that there was none forthcoming. I did not get so -far as to make such an inquiry in the case of a mahogany looking-glass -offered to me by a foolish dealer south of the Tweed, who declared that -it had been in the possession of the same unfortunate lady. It was not -to me, however, that another dealer tried to sell a dagger that had once -been worn by the Young Pretender, the proof of its authenticity being -displayed in the roughly cut initials "Y.P.," evidently the work of -Bonnie Prince Charlie himself, on the leather sheath. - -Generally speaking, I think it may be assumed that no monarch ever slept -in a room that was not built until he had been dead for a hundred years. -Fifty years should be accepted as the minimum for such an incident. -And the probabilities are that no relic of even the most easy-going -sovereign should be accepted as authentic that was not made within at -least ten years from the date of his or her death. - -As for the legends of the member of the family who was known as "the -wicked lord" or "Black Sir Ughtred," there is a tiresome sameness about -them all, and most of them should be treated as overworn coins and -called in. For instance, there is the story of the dreadfully wicked man -of property--his portrait is usually in a panel over the fireplace in -the hall--who provoked a neighbour of whom he was jealous to fight a -duel with him after dinner one afternoon. They used pistols, taking aim -across the table that bore the decanters and wineglasses, and the wicked -gentleman shot his friend through the heart, but escaped the -consequences of the fell deed by inducing his companions to announce to -the world that the man had died simply of heart failure. The story is -plausible enough, if you assume that the coroner and the sheriff and all -the other authorities were three-bottle men, and it is easy to suppose -that in the early eighteenth century such high officials might be so -described; but there is no necessity to wind up the story by showing the -visitor the mark that the bullet made in the linen-fold wainscoting of -the dining-room. You see, that striking evidence of the scrupulous -accuracy of the story makes it essential for you to believe that the -fatal bullet passed through the worthy gentleman's heart and slued round -his backbone before lodging in the woodwork behind him, and this is -asking too much. - -I do not suppose that there is a Parliamentary Division of any county in -England that does not contain a mansion with a room in which this duel -was fought. Upon one occasion I visited a lesser country house where -I happened to know a duel had been fought in the dining-room in the -eighteenth century. I did not venture to inquire of the owner if he had -heard of that tragic incident: I did not believe that he had; but when -I was examining a very spurious picture attributed to Canaletto, after -admiring a dexterous forgery of a rocky landscape by Salvator Rosa, he -drew my attention to a portrait of a "black-avised" gentleman in a wig, -and the story of the historical duel came out at once. - -"I must show you the panel in the dining-room that was splintered by the -bullet," said my host; and though I did not insist, he kept his word. - -"It is said," he continued, when I was looking at the imperfect -woodwork, "that the fellow was so stricken with remorse that he -would never allow the panel to be repaired, in order that he might be -constantly reminded of his deed; and it's a tradition in our family that -it is never to be repaired, so there it is to-day." - -I did not make myself objectionable to the family by assuring them -that they might send for the carpenter any time they pleased without -offending the shades of their ancestors, for it so happened that that -particular duel was fought with swords and not with pistols. - - - - -III.--FATE OF THE FAMILY PORTRAITS - -In connection with family traditions and family portraits there are -bound to be some grimly humorous episodes with the lapse of time, owing -to the exactions of those Chancellors of the Exchequer who have held -office since the creation of the Death Duties, as they are called. When -a man with no ready money of his own inherits an estate that has not -paid its expenses for many years, and a splendid mansion containing -about fifty pictures, which, according to the most recent auction-room -prices, may be worth from £100,000 to £150,000--people at picture sales -think in pounds and bid in guineas--the question that at once presents -itself is how to meet the demands of Somerset House. The fortunate heir, -without a penny in his pocket, is called on to hand over from £10,000 -to £15,000, according to his relationship to the late owner, and he -wonders how he is to do it. In some cases that have come under my notice -the only feasible way out of the difficulty has been taken, and some -of the pictures have been sold in order to pay for the privilege of -retaining the others. In the case of some historical mansions, however, -every picture in the gallery is perfectly well known to the world, and -the heir has a good many more qualms about selling any of them than -Charles Surface had about disposing of his collection, with the -exception of "the little ill-looking fellow over the settee." He -feels--if he is capable of any feeling at all--that he is selling his -own flesh and blood, and he always wonders what people will say when -they come to visit the historical house and find blank panels in which, -for perhaps two or three hundred years, stately figures of men and -graceful figures of women had appeared. - -What is he to do in such circumstances, while he is thinking his -thoughts on a settee in the hall, and the Chancellor of the Exchequer -is pulling away like mad at the wrought-iron bell handle outside and -telling the butler that his instructions are not to leave the place -until his bill is paid? - -It seems that there is only one way by which the honour of the family -can be preserved. There are trusty agents who can negotiate for an -immediate and a secret sale of certain of the pictures. These are taken -out of their frames or out of their panels, copies are made and put -where the originals had been for years, and when the latter are passed -on to New York or Chicago, unsuspecting lovers of Art stand beneath -copies in admiration of the power of the Masters! - -That is how the honour of the great family remains untarnished, while -the Chancellor of the Exchequer strikes a match on one of the stone -columns of the porch, lights his cigarette, and goes jauntily down the -avenue with a large cheque in his breast-pocket. - -All very well this for the time being; but a little comedy may possibly -take place some years later, when once again Death Duties have to be -paid, and probably at an increased rate per cent. No note may have been -made of the pictures that were sold, and the copies have been subjected -to the admiration of visitors without a misgiving. There are, I -happen to know, copyists of Sir Joshua Reynolds and others of Thomas -Gainsborough, Romney, Raeburn, Lawrence, and the rest, of such skill in -reproducing the style of their particular Master that only the cleverest -connoisseur could say, after the lapse of a year or two, which are the -originals and which the copies. How, then, is a valuation to be made -when the new owner enters upon his inheritance? - -I fancy that it will be discovered Masters than were suspected of it had -made replicas of their greatest works, and shipped off one to Chicago -while selling the other to the great English families who gave them the -order a hundred years or so ago. - - - - -CHAPTER FIVE--THE COUNTY, OLD AND CRUSTED - - - - -I.--THE STRANGERS - -WHEN THE LATE MR. W. P. FRITH WAS AT the height of his fame, and -engravings of his "Derby Day" and "The Railway Station" contested for -prominence on the flowery flock-papered walls of many drawing-rooms with -Landseers "Monarch of the Glen," he went to pay a visit to his daughter -in a southern county, and she has placed it on record that when she -mentioned his name to the leaders of Society in various localities it -conveyed nothing to them. - -Why should it convey anything to them? He did nothing but paint all his -life. Fame in painting, in music, in writing, means nothing--in many -cases rather less than nothing--to the society of any English county. If -the man had brought down a couple of hunters and gone out three times a -week to hounds, the people in his division of the county would talk -to you of him and look on you with astonishment if his name conveyed -nothing to you; and the wife of a retired country doctor who takes -up what is known as Church work--organising village teas and village -concerts and Sunday "Unions"--is at once accorded a position that counts -as fame in such communities in England. - -But if it were not for observing these features in country life nothing -of its lighter side would be apparent. There is nothing so comical as a -picture in which all the laws of perspective are ignored; and living in -a country town in England is like placing oneself in the position of the -man in Edgar Allan Poe's story who, looking out of his window, saw -an immense and hideous monster--a thing with splay feet and a huge -proboscis--stalking with mighty steps across a distant lawn, and was -greatly perturbed until he discovered that the creature was only an -ordinary sort of spider walking across one of the strands of its web, -which was drawn across the window pane. - -Every day one may have experience of people living in the midst of such -distorted perspective--fancying that the commonplace insects that move -before them are creatures of enormous proportions and importance, and -quite as frequently assuming that because an object appears small to -them, being far away from them, it is quite insignificant. If one -cannot find humour in observing the attitude of people who ignore the -conditions of perspective in this way, one must be stolid indeed. - -A typical inhabitant complained to me very bitterly some time ago of -having just discharged a very thankless duty in respect of a stranger -who, at the instigation of his brother--a London barrister of some -repute--had called upon him in motoring through the county. He admitted -that the stranger was a nice enough sort of man, but wholly devoid of -appreciation of the relative importance of the persons whose houses were -pointed out to him from the summit of the old castle which the stranger -had been anxious to visit. - -"I showed him Lord Riverland's place--as much of it as we could see -through the trees--but all he said was, 'Who is Lord Riverland?'" -continued the man, pouring his complaint into my ear. "And then I told -him that just beyond Eglam Church was the Shillingdales' place. 'Funny -name, Shillingdale!' was all that he remarked; but when we were leaving -the castle he saw the gable of Maxfield's house sticking out, and he -took a fancy to that tumbledown place and asked who lived there. I told -him. 'Maxfield,' he said. 'Not Laurence Maxfield, I suppose?' I said -that I believed his name was Laurence. 'What! Laurence Max-field, the -painter?' Yes, I said, I heard he was something in that line. Well, -you should have seen his face at that. 'How can I ever thank you -sufficiently for pointing out that house to me?' he cried. And when -we got down to the road he kept hovering about that place, and once he -said, 'What kind fate led me here to-day? And yet I might have gone away -without so much as glancing at the house of Laurence Max-field!' Now, -is it any wonder that I almost lost my temper? I had pointed out to the -fellow Riverland Park and Shillingdale Hall, and yet I don't believe he -ever heard of Lord Riverland, or knew that Captain Shillingdale had been -made a D.L. for the county! But he almost became maudlin over the two -old cottages that Maxfield knocked into one! A painter! The idea of -making a fuss over a painter!" - -"You forget that the man was a total stranger to our neighbourhood," -said I. "You must make allowances: he knew no better." - -He said he supposed the fellow really did know no better; and I am -convinced that in his own way he abused his visitor to his wife for -the man's deplorable lack of all sense of proportion, to ignore the -privilege of having a distant view of the mansion of a deputy-lieutenant -of an English county and feasting his eyes on the cottage of a painter! - - - - -II.--THE INSECT AND THE MAMMOTH - -A more amusing example still of the insect being taken for the -mammoth was given to me by the person whose mammoth-like proportions -(intellectually) were neglected because all eyes were directed upon the -passage of an insignificant local insect across the line of vision. - -He was a literary man whose name is known and respected in every part -of the world--not merely in that narrow republic known as the world -of letters. He was staying for a week at the house of a friend, when a -lady, who was getting up a charity concert at Ringdon, calling at the -house one day, and being told in a whisper by one of the daughters of -the family when walking through the garden that they had a celebrity -with them, entreated him to "do" something for the entertainment of her -audience: she didn't mind what it might be that he would do, if he only -agreed to do something. - -Now it so happened that the lady had a more potent qualification -than persistence in making an appeal to a man--she was extremely -good-looking--and the man could not resist her importunity. He pro-mised -to tell some short stories at the concert, and, in accordance with the -terms of his promise, he turned up in the schoolhouse where the concert -was to take place, supported by his host and two of the family. But the -charming lady had not mentioned the fact that the entertainment was -to supplement a parochial tea, and when they arrived this part of the -programme was scarcely over. There were no printed programmes; only the -clergyman who presided had before him a list of the performers and the -nature of their performances, and he at once called upon a young woman -who played very prettily on the piano. A young man, who professionally -was the assistant to the Ringdon baker, was then called upon to sing the -"Death of Nelson," which he did without faltering. When the applause had -died away the clergyman rose from his chair and said-- - -"My dear friends, we have with us this evening a gentleman who has very -kindly consented to contribute to our entertainment. He is a gentleman -with whose name you will all be familiar. Were he not present I should -like to refer more particularly to his honourable career; for in his -presence I feel that it would not be good taste to do so, and, besides, -he is so modest that I know he would be set blushing even though I were -only to say one-half of all that was his due. My dear friends, I call -upon you to give a hearty welcome to Mr. Reuben Robinson, who has come -all the way from Netherham to give you his entertainment familiar to you -all, I am sure, under the title of 'Charlie and Charlotte.'" - -The amateur ventriloquist went on the platform with his horrid puppets, -and the young people cheered him for several minutes. - -Later in the evening the clergyman, without any preliminary discourse, -called upon the literary celebrity to tell his stories. Now throughout -the world this writer is known as Alec Bidford, and now for the first -time in his life he heard himself alluded to as Alexander Bedford; and -it became clear to him that the good clergyman had never heard his name -before! - -Happily the victim of the beautiful lady's importunity has a keen sense -of humour, as any one who goes farther than the parson did, and reads -one of his books, will not need to be told, and I have never heard him -more humorous than when he refers to his selfconsciousness while the -clergyman was dealing with the fame achieved by--Mr. Reuben Robinson, -the amateur ventriloquist, who had come all the way miles from the -village of Netherham, where he sold bacon in the daytime. I do not -know what Alec Bid-ford's opinion is, but I do know that there are some -people who believe that this sort of discipline is good for one, whether -one may be a literary celebrity or some lesser personage. An appearance -in a Court of Law usually serves the same purpose; but it must be more -than irritating to a man whose name is known to and honoured by every -member of his own profession to be treated in the court with no more -consideration than is extended to the merest nonentity. The judge -professes never to have heard his name mentioned before, and, if he has -been a witness, refers to his evidence without thinking it necessary -to give him the ordinary prefix of "Mr." I have seen six of the most -distinguished literary men in England--popular men, too, as well as -geniuses--give evidence in a Court of Law, and yet the calling out of -name after name did not cause even one of the solicitors' clerks to -raise his head from the paper which he was reading, and the jurymen -chatted together without being in the smallest degree impressed by the -prospect of hearing the great one's voice. - -This also is discipline, I suppose. At any rate, it suggests that a -provincial town is not the only place where a sense of proportion is -lacking. - - - - -CHAPTER SIX--THE OLD COUNTY TOWN - - - - -I.--IN THE HIGH STREET - -IF OUR THURSWELL IS A TYPICAL English village, assuredly Mallingham is -a typical country town, only inclining to the picturesque side rather -than the sordid. Like most picturesque towns, it is more highly -appreciated by strangers than by its own inhabitants. Its one long -street crawls along a ridge of the Downs, and from the lower level -of the road that skirts this ridge and meanders among fat farms and -luscious meadows, with an old Norman church here and there embowered in -immemorial elms and granges mentioned in _Domesday Book_, steep lanes -of old houses climb to the business street. It is really impossible to -reach the town without a climb of some sort; and this fact, which made -the site an ideal one, from the standpoint of the mediaeval founders of -its walls and gates, remnants of which may yet be discovered by any one -searching for them in a true archaeological spirit, causes a good deal -of grumbling among the residents on both levels, who have to face many -climbs in the course of an ordinary day's work. But motoring strangers, -who pass through the town by the hundred every day, travelling between -the two fashionable coast resorts, glance down the narrow lanes and say, -"How simply lovely!" or "Doesn't it remind you of Nuremberg?" Perhaps -it does remind them of Nuremberg--I have known people who affected to -be reminded of Sorrento at Brighton--but for my part Mallingham only -reminds me of an English country town, the convenient centre for a -ten-mile area of villages. Enough business is done in its properly -called High Street to allow of two banks keeping their doors open, and -of half a dozen shopkeepers making modest fortunes in the course of a -hundred years or so, and retiring from their half-timbered places of -business to the avenue of red brick villas with well fires and radiators -which an enterprising "developer" of one of the manors perceived to be -a long-felt want. But the shops go on from generation to generation with -the old names over the front, and in many cases with the family of the -new generation living on the premises in the good old way. Only in this -sense, however, may the tradesmen be said to be "above their business"; -there is not the least disposition on the part of any of them to appear -anything beyond what they are, for the simple reason that they do not -think that the world holds anything better than a Mallingham tradesman. -And, indeed, I am not sure that the world holds anything less ambitious. -The aspirations of most of them do not go beyond the acquiring of a -plate-glass frontage. Occasionally this dream literally crystallises, -and when the crates are known to be actually awaiting delivery at -the Goods Station, the "consignee" of the waybill is pointed out to -strangers by the simple casement shopkeepers with bated breath and an -occasional break in the voice. It is understood that the plate-glass -front can only be achieved by a limited number of traders, and for years -it was accounted a gross piece of presumption for any one whose lineage -as a shopkeeper could not be traced through at least three generations -of bill-heads to make a move in the direction of a "front"; but just -before last Christmas a bolt from the blue fell upon the astonished -town, for the two demure old ladies who kept a small millinery shop -(with gloves and table linen at the farther end) put up bills on -their small latticed window announcing a cheap sale in consequence of -"impending alterations." Now that particular shop front had remained -unchanged for certainly a hundred and fifty years--perhaps two hundred -and fifty years--and the two old maiden ladies who had looked after it -for close upon half a century seemed the most conservative of persons, -so it was taken for granted that the alterations which were "impending" -had reference only to the affixing of a new sun-blind in good time for -the summer, or perhaps an outside lamp to make the winter nights more -cheerful. - -After a considerable amount of discussion on the subject an informal -deputation waited upon the ladies to obtain information on a matter -which, it was understood, affected the well-being of the whole -community, and which was approaching a stage when a specific -pronouncement one way or another was absolutely necessary. - -Then it was that the truth was revealed. The maiden ladies had, -they confessed, been surreptitiously discussing the putting in of a -plate-glass front, and they had come to the conclusion that as they -were both old and life at best was uncertain, they should not any longer -procrastinate the carrying out of a scheme which the growth of the town -and its increasing importance fully warranted, they thought. - -It took just four days to fix the new front in its place; but it was the -topic of the town for months, and even now you will see an occasional -group of town people discussing the innovation and wondering what things -are coming to. - -The dimensions of the topic were, as I ascertained for my own -satisfaction, nine feet broad by seven feet high. This was the _premier -pas_. It led to the extravagance of a sunk letter sign, picked out -in gold, an outside lamp, and a spring sun-blind, all of the most -conventional pattern, and all to my mind in the condition of the "party -in a parlour" in the Wordsworth parody. In short, a charming old house -with many features of interest was transformed into a foolish hybrid -thing--a single sheet of plate-glass on the ground floor, beneath -two pairs of small cottage casements with delightful stone eaves. So -prosperity turns out the picturesque or, at least, relegates it to the -basement, and so a street with all the charm of past centuries clinging -to it is fast becoming commonplace, and strangers driving through it -laugh at the feeble attempts to give the commercial air of Harrods to -a row of cottages--about as sensible a proceeding as it would be to -attempt to assimilate the façade of Hampton Court with that of Hampton's -in Pall Mall. - -Happily there are still some sixteenth-century eaves left and also some -eighteenth-century bow windows--the gentle curved bow of the -eighteenth century, not the detestable obtuse-angle things of the -mid-nineteenth--and happily the spirit of commercial enterprise does -not pervade the entire community. Several of the houses that have been -turned into shops contain admirable chimneypieces and panelled rooms, -with an occasional fire-back and basket grate. It seems, too, that there -must have lived in the place a century or so ago a master workman with a -great fancy for decorating chimneypieces after the style of Adam; for -in many of the rooms of sixteenth-century houses may be found quite good -examples of the early style of Robert Adam. In one house there is a fine -parlour decorated throughout in this way. - - - - -II.--PRECIOUS PANELLING - -Some time ago a mason, while doing some repairs in a room in a very old -timbered house, disclosed some oak panelling which probably belonged -to the sixteenth century. The news of the discovery went abroad, and a -collector of "antiques" in the neighbourhood bought the woodwork for -a hundred pounds--far more than it was worth, of course, but that is -nothing; the effect of the find and of the sale was disastrous to the -occupants of other old houses, for they forthwith summoned masons and -carpenters and began pulling down their walls, feeling sure that a -hundred pounds' worth of panelling was within their reach. They were all -disappointed; for several years had passed before the landlord of the -chief hotel--it had once been the county town house of a great local -family--found behind the battens which served as the stretchers of the -canvas that bore some very common paper in his coffee-room, a long range -of oak wainscoting covered with paint. The usual local antiquary made -his appearance, and through dilating upon its beauty and abusing the -vandalism that had spread those coats of paint upon the oak, induced the -landlord to give the order to have the panels "stripped" and made good. -He little knew what he had let himself in for! The carpenters and the -painters attacked the room with spirit (of turpentine), and for weeks it -remained in their hands; for it was found that at least twenty coats of -paint were upon the woodwork, and that a great portion of it was only -held together by the paint, so that with the removal of this binding -medium the panels became splinters. - -Before the end of a profitless six weeks the good landlord was wishing -with all his heart that that relic of a bygone period had been allowed -to rest comfortably buried beneath the papered canvas that had entombed -it all. The bill that he had to pay for the restoration was for such a -sum as would have been sufficient to buy the same quantity of absolutely -new panelling, he explained to some people to whom he went for sympathy! -He laid great stress upon the fact that he could actually have got new -panelling for the price of repairing the old! - -[Illustration: 0103] - -And this was the spirit in which a far-seeing but non-antiquarian lady, -who lived in another ancient house in the same street, received the -liberal offer of a gentleman from the United States who had taken a -fancy to her oak staircase. It was a commonplace type and might be found -by the dozen in any old town; but he told her that he would pay her a -hundred pounds for it, and she jumped at his offer. The staircase was -carted away and a new one of serviceable deal, absolutely fresh from the -carpenter's shop, was put in its place. - -Her example induced a relation of hers--also a maiden approaching the -venerable stage--to sell the panelling of one room, the fireplace of -another, the Georgian pillared cupboards of a third, and actually -the old black and white slabs of the square hall. Hearing of all this -selling going on, an enthusiast made her an offer for the pillared porch -of the house, and another for the leaden cistern on the roof and the -copper rain-water head. Last of all, a man who was building a house in -imitation of the old in the neighbourhood set covetous eyes upon her -twisted chimney-pots and some peculiar coping tiles on the roof. She -accepted every offer--with modifications; but when she had fulfilled her -part of the business she found herself a solitary figure amid the ruin -of a nice house, but with a nice little sum in her pocket. It was at -this juncture that an enterprising tradesman from Brindlington, who was -on the look out for "branches," came upon the half-dismantled house. -Thinking that it was about to be pulled down, he made inquiries about -it, and these he considered so satisfactory that he bought, at a good -price, all that the previous speculators had left of it, completed their -work of demolition, and within six months had erected upon the site -some "desirable business premises" in the cheapest red brick, with an -inconceivable broad expanse of plate-glass which he called somebody's -"Co-operative Stores." He had co-operated with so many people in -carrying out the work of destruction in regard to the old premises, it -seemed only fit that the same principle should be maintained in their -reconstruction. The place is only a branch establishment, but it is said -to be flourishing as well as the parent tree. - - - - -III.--THE AMENITIES OF THE HIGH STREET - -Every here and there between the shops in the High Street is a -house that has survived the request--it never amounts to a demand -in Mallingham--for "business premises." Quite unpretentious is the -appearance of all these houses, but the front door opens upon a hall -that is a hall, and not a mere passage to a narrow staircase. Admirably -proportioned rooms are to be found on every floor, and usually a door at -the farther end of the hall admits one to a garden, and not a mere patch -of green. Here are gardens that have been cultivated for hundreds of -years and so artfully designed that each of them has the appearance of a -park, with lawns, and terraces, and pergolas. Here, not thirty feet -back from the street, are acres of orchard, with mulberry trees of the -original stock introduced by James I. to make possible his scheme of -English silk weaving. The arbutus has also a home in several of -these surprising pleasure grounds, with several other rare but fully -acclimatised flowering shrubs. Shady walks among giant lilacs and -laburnums lead to banks of roses and beds of lilies, and hardy borders -of brilliant colour such as a stranger could never fancy might be found -in so unpromising a region. - -The lucky residents in these wonderful houses are usually extremely -exclusive--if they were not so, goodness only knows what might happen. -When a lady of good family finds herself living next door to a grocer -and an ironmonger, she is bound to take steps to prevent the possibility -of any one fancying that she belongs to that _galère_, and the steps -that some of them take with this fact in their mind are sometimes very -diverting. They usually assume the form of ignoring the existence, -not so much of the grocer and the ironmonger as of the other ladies -similarly situated. If you call upon Miss Wheatly at No. 10 High Street -and, after praising up her garden, refer to the garden of Miss Keightley -at No. 20, Miss Wheatley will express great interest, saying she has -often heard that Miss Keightley's garden is quite charming, but she -has never seen it for herself. Miss Keightley on her side may go -even further, and not merely pretend that she has never heard of Miss -Wheatley's garden, but also that she had no idea that any one named -Wheatley lived in the town. This is at first, but she occasionally -betrays a scrupulous anxiety to be accurate by asking, "What did you say -the name was? Wheatley? Oh yes, to be sure I remember hearing the other -day that a Miss Wheatley lived at No. 10. And you say she has a nice -garden?" - -And these good ladies may have been living within a few doors of one -another for forty odd years, and the father of the one may have been in -the butter trade, while the father of the other was in eggs. - -The social distinctions in a country town such as Mallingham are -sometimes very pathetic. It might be thought that the people would find -a bond of union in that illiteracy which they enjoy in common, or in -that profound ignorance of everything connected, however distantly, with -art or science in which they live from one end of the year to the other; -but one does not find it so. Mallingham is perhaps the most ill-informed -town in England on all matters pertaining to culture, whether literary -or artistic. A stranger who was unacquainted with this fact thought he -was scoring a point in a speech which he had been called on to make in -the absence of the Member for the Division at the annual banquet of -the Barham Trust--the most important incident of the winter in -Mallingham--when he remarked that he felt that the town must be the -centre of the greatest literary activity; for, motoring through the High -Street, he found on one of the shop signs the name Swift, on another -the name Smollett, a little farther on he came upon an Addison (great -applause), and finally he found himself close to the house of Hume. -Surely, he said, these names spoke for themselves. - -They had need to, for none of the élite of Mailingham could speak for -any of them, except Addison, for Mr. Addison was a pork butcher, who the -day before had been elected a member of the Corporation, after a hard -struggle with a saddler. It so happened that the bearers of all the -other literary names were not applaudable people--two of them were -definitely unpopular--but the name of Mr. Addison was received with -cheers, not by reason of his connection with _The Spectator_, but simply -because of his recent achievement, and no one at the banquet had the -least idea what the orator was referring to in bringing forward that -string of names. "He might surely have mentioned Mr. Fawley, who was -twice Mayor, or George Hanson, who has just bought the saw mills," a -prominent burgess remarked to me when I was in his shop the next day. -"But what has Peter Swift done, or Tom Smollett, or even Walter -Hume? Decent enough men, I don't deny, but out of place when named in -prominence at the Barham Banquet." - -I never met anyone in the town who had heard these names in any other -connection than that of Mailingham shopkeepers. - -Some time later a new curate at St Bartholomew's, when proposing a vote -of thanks to the chairman of one of his social meetings (with a magic -lantern and an amateur ventriloquist), became erudite and droll by -referring to "what Dr. Johnson said about music." The next day one -of the churchwardens--a land agent--asked him how on earth he could -attribute such a sentiment to Dr. Johnson. "I knew Dr. Johnson as well -as most people, and there never was a man in the town who enjoyed a -song better or knew better what a good song was," he said; and when the -perplexed curate recovered himself sufficiently to be able to explain -that there was another Dr. Johnson who said things besides the person of -the same name who had once enjoyed quite a large and lucrative practice -as a fully qualified veterinary surgeon at Mallingham, the churchwarden -smiled and shook his head. "As much as to say," the clergyman added in -telling me the story--"as much as to say that my excuse was far from -plausible, but that he would accept it to prevent the matter going -farther." - -That narrative I found to be beautifully typical of the literary -erudition of Mallingham. - - - - -IV.--THE TWO ICONOCLASTS - -Some four or five miles away are the imposing ruins of a great abbey -of the Franciscans. It had once been of so great importance in the land -that when the archabbey wrecker decreed that it should be demolished, -he sent his most trustworthy housebreaker to carry out his orders. Now -everybody of education in Mallingham can tell you all that is known -about the venerable ruin, and it is the pride of the town that it should -be so closely connected with the history of the Abbey; but I have never -yet met with any layman in the neighbourhood who was not under the -impression that the crime of its destruction should be added to the -pretty long account of that Cromwell who was called Oliver, and I should -not like to be the person who would suggest that there was another -Cromwell--one who did not decapitate his king, but whom his king -decapitated. - -For that matter, however, it must be acknowledged that the people of -Mallingham do not stand alone in mixing up those iconoclasts. I have -found that in many parts of England as well as Ireland every deficiency -in the features of a church figure or a church ornament is attributed to -the later Cromwell. In Ireland I have had pointed out to me by clergymen -of both churches the headless saints and the broken carvings caused by -the fury of "Cromwell," though I knew perfectly well that the work of -sacrilege could not have been done by him, for two reasons, the first -being that in his devastating progress through Ireland he had never -approached the places in question, and the second being that the sacred -buildings in which the damage was done had not been built until long -after Cromwell had sailed for England, after being soundly-beaten at -Clonmel. - -Of course in Ireland there was only one "curse of Cromwell"; but -in England I soon found that there were two, and so the progress of -confusion began, until at the present time, when you are visiting any -old church and see in a niche an adult saint with a broken nose, or a -carved rood screen deficient about the rood, the verger--sometimes the -rector himself--is quite fluent in explaining that the heavy hand of -Cromwell must be held accountable for the spoliation. If you ask which -of the two, the answer will most certainly be, "Why, Cromwell to be -sure--Cromwell--Oliver Cromwell." - -An outsider should not interfere. The shade of Oliver would not shudder, -even if such an expression of emotion were permitted the shadiest of -shades, at the accusation being directed against him instead of the -older Cromwell. He would probably say, if speech were allowed to him, -"I have the greatest possible satisfaction in allowing my name to be -associated with any act of iconoclasm of the nature of those acts so -conscientiously perpetrated by my distinguished countryman." - -He would feel that, could he have had any hand in smashing in the roofs -of monasteries and despoiling rich abbeys, it would be accounted to him -for righteousness. After such splendid acts of spoliation, knocking the -nose off a poorly carved saint could not but seem a paltry thing, quite -unworthy of any man with a reputation for a heavy hand to maintain. - -But Mallingham, for all its literary and historical ignorance, has its -heart in the right place; and it is staunch to Church and State--staunch -to the core. Every Fifth of November it has its procession emblematic -of these principles, and it must be confessed that the symbolism of -the movement is not exclusive. To express adequately the loyalty of -Mallingham, it is found necessary to set forth in marching order Turks, -male and female, Negroes, Zulus, Toreadors, Pierrots, Harlequins, -the Archbishop of Canterbury, Pirates, Mary Queen of Scots, Firemen, -Dragoons, William Shakespeare, a Sailor, and many other characters, all -of whom, it must be taken for granted, typify the triumph of Loyalty. -Should any question a-rise--for captious inquirers may always be -reckoned on in these days of high educational achievement--as to the -identity of the leading typical figure in this pageant and the reason -of the obloquy that is heaped upon him, culminating in the stake, with -foul-mouthed explosives, the answer is that he is one Guy Fox, and -that he is paying the penalty of having failed to blow up the Houses -of Parliament. After that explanation no one can doubt that, whoever he -was, he richly deserves his fate--or should it be spelt _fête?_ - -Occasionally co-opted with him is an unpopular person of distinction in -the neighbourhood--a clergyman who lies under the stigma of preaching -toleration, a police superintendent with a constitutional distaste for -bonfires and low-flash explosives in the public streets, or perhaps a -District Visitor suspected of "leanings." But usually by midnight the -worst is over, and good nature without intoxicants prevails throughout -the motley crowd; the Archbishop of Canterbury lights his cigarette--one -of the packet with the pictures--from that of the Pirate King; Mary -Queen of Scots hurries to the house where she discharges the duties of -parlour-maid, complaining to a sympathetic Shakespeare that she has to -be up at six in the morning to let in the sweep, and so home to bed. - -The only literary fact which is impressed upon all the townspeople is -that by some way never made quite clear, the singeing effigy, whose -obsequies have been so imposing, was responsible for a _Book of -Martyrs._ The general idea is that he was responsible for the martyrs -themselves, and that Foxes _Book of Martyrs_ is a sort of catalogue with -descriptive text of his victims. - -So, as has been stated, the two Cromwells have but a single identity in -the minds of Mallingham. - - - - -V.--THE SOCIAL "SETS" - -Of course there is in Mallingham, as in every other country town, a -first set and a second set--perhaps even a third, but that must be very -close indeed to the unclassed tradesmen set, which is no set at all. And -here it may be mentioned that the tradesmen's families are, as a rule, -very much more refined and almost invariably better educated than -the families of the first or second sets. Some years ago there was an -amateur performance of one of Mr. Sutro's delightful plays given in aid -of some deserving charity. Charity performances cover, as does Charity -itself, a multitude of sins, but the leading lady did not need to make -any appeal for leniency, so ably did she represent the part of the -refined woman who was not quite sure whether she loved her husband or -not. She was the daughter of a professional man, but had never succeeded -in getting into the first set; for it must be remembered that there -is no graduating from one set to another: one is either accepted -or rejected at once. A couple of years later, however, the play was -repeated, only this time it was under the highest patronage, so the -management resolved to get the real thing. They managed to secure the -services of a lady of title for the chief part, and the result was -appalling. The refinement had vanished from the part, so had the correct -pronunciation of the English language, so had the good taste in the -toilettes worn, so had every vestige of intelligence. In place of these -we were shown a pert young person with a voice like that of a barmaid -in a country inn and a taste in dress to correspond. In the matter of -memory for the words of the dialogue also the advantage was certainly on -the side of the humbler representative of the part. In one of Mr. Henry -James' most delightful short stories the catastrophe of "The Real -Thing" is depicted. It was not more pronounced than that of the second -representation of the comedy. - -[Illustration: 0113] - -It is really very difficult to understand what are the qualifications -for the best set in Mallingham; but somehow people usually find -themselves in the set that suits them, and very seldom do the rulers of -the social grades in Mallingham make a mistake. They have now and again -sailed very close to the wind, however; for that was a nasty rub they -got when they hastened to call upon a stranger, with the title of -Baroness, who had taken a house in the new part of the town and kept a -man-servant. As the story was told me, the ladies jammed one another in -the doorway in their anxiety to be the first caller upon the Baroness, -or Madame la Baronne, as the wife of a retired Indian civil servant -called her, having studied the idioms of the _Comédie française_. -Madame la Baronne was indeed a lady of great personal charm, and she was -invited everywhere--even to the villa of the wife of the leading -brewer, which represented a sort of Distinguished Strangers' Gallery in -Mallingham. The competition among the most select for the presence of -Madame at their houses was strenuous; and as she was in such demand -it really should not have been regarded as so surprising that a London -magistrate should send her a peremptory invitation by the hand of two -detectives to come to the court over which he presided. His messengers -would take no denial, he wanted her so badly, so she had perforce to -throw over her local engagements and grant the magistrate the favour -which he requested of her. - -Her portrait was in the _Daily Mirror_ the next day, in connection -with a startling series of headlines, beginning, "The Bogus Baroness -Again--Arrest at Mallingham." She was one of the most notorious -swindlers that France ever returned to her native shore, after a series -of exploits in Paris. - -The ladies of Mallingham ran up against one another in the porch of her -villa in their haste to get back the cards they had left upon her. - - - - -VI.--THE CASE OF MR. STANWELL - -That was what might be termed "a close call" upon the dignity and -discrimination of the leaders of Society in Mallingham, and this was -possibly why they held back when a man and his wife bearing the name -Stanwell took a house in the town. The lady seemed quite nice and the -man was passable, and before they had "settled down" it was noised -abroad that they had a car: it need scarcely be said that to "have a -car" is in country districts nowadays as sure a sign of respectability -as "driving a gig" was in the 'thirties. There seemed to be no reason -why these people should not be called upon by the leaders of Mallingham -Society; but the leaders were getting more cautious than ever since the -Baroness' scandal, and they hung back, none of them wishing to take a -step which it would be impossible to recall, and every day the question -of to call or not to call was informally discussed. It was just at this -critical moment, when the fate of the Stanwells was trembling in the -balance, so to speak, that one of the leaders was visited by a London -friend, and on the name Stanwell being mentioned, this person asked, -"Is that Herbert Stanwell, the author? It must be. I heard that he was -leaving London and going to live in the country. They are all going. -Soon we shall not have an author left in London; though I remember the -time when they all lived there." - -"This Mr. Stanwell has a car, I hear," was the "feeling" suggestion made -by the Mallingham lady. - -"So has Herbert Stanwell--he has been photographed in it dozens of -times. Dear me! To think of Herbert Stanwell coming down here!" was the -exclamation of the visitor; and the moment that she had gone back to -London her hostess rushed round to her partners in the government of -social Mallingham, and breathlessly announced that she had discovered -that Mr. Stanwell was an author and that Mrs. Stanwell was his wife. - -"Good heavens!" was the whispered exclamation from the syndicate. "Who -would have believed it? And we were actually thinking of calling upon -them! And they look quite respectable." - -"And have a car!" - -"Car, or no car, what I tell you is the truth. Is he not 'H. Stanwell?' -and the authors name is Herbert. There's no doubt about it. And my -friend, who knows everybody in London, said that Herbert Stanwell was -about to live in the country." - -She assumed the pose of a Princess Hohenstïel Schwangau, saviour of -Society, and she and her friends talked of how providential were certain -incidents, let scoffers say what they might; for if she had not by the -merest accident--ah, a providential accident!--mentioned the name of the -Stanwells, no one would have known anything about them, and they might -have been visited quite in good faith. - -They parted, feeling that Providence was, very properly, mindful of -the best interests of Mallingham; and so it was decreed that the -newcomers--that pair who had made the attempt to get within the citadel -of Mallingham's exclusiveness, not storming it boldly, but by the -insidious device of concealing the fact that at least one of them was -the author of over twenty novels--were not to be called on, although -they had a car. - -Before a month had passed, however, _The Happy Home_, a magazine widely -circulated at Mallingham on account of its admirable paper patterns, -contained an interview with Herbert Wilfred Stanwell, giving an -excellent protrait of the distinguished author sitting (as usual) in -his motor-car, with his favourite Chow, _Ming_, beside him; and the -"letterpress" stated that he was unmarried, and that he had just taken -a charming cottage at Henley (illustrated), on the lawn of which -(illustrated), it might be taken for granted, all that was illustrious -in Literature, Art, and the Drama would be found at week-ends during the -summer, Mr. Stanwell's hospitality being proverbial. - -The next day cards were left upon Mr. H. Stanwell and his wife, and it -was universally admitted that they formed quite a congenial addition to -Mailing-ham Society. He was a pleasant man and she was a charming woman. -They came to Mallingham with a clean bill of health. Neither of them had -done anything in the world, and the only time their names had appeared -in the newspapers was when they had been married. They were nonentities -to their finger-tips, and they soon took a high place among the -nonentities of Mallingham. - -Mr. Stanwell sorrowfully admits that more than once he has been asked in -hotels in France and Italy if he was any relation to Herbert Stanwell, -the great author. It is very annoying, he says, but he hopes to live it -down. If he continues to live at Mallingham, he may be assured that his -hopes run every chance of being realised. - -It is greatly to be feared that the leading "note" of Mallingham is not -literature. It is Thurswell that occasionally lays claim to be a great -reading centre. It was in the most friendly spirit of honest patronage -that a lady addressed a letter to George Eliot, commending some of the -characters in _The Mill on the Floss_, but regretting that the story had -not a happy ending. - -"But it never reached him," she said. "I had sent it under cover to -the publishers, but they returned it to me, with a scrawl across it, -evidently done by a clerk, saying, '_Present address of_ George Eliot -not known, so, after all my trouble, it never reached him." - -Having mentioned _The Mill on the Floss_, I feel bound to say that -neither in Thurswell nor Mallingham did the sporting innkeeper live who, -on seeing a cheap edition of the book advertised, at once sent for it -and read the greater part of it before he found out that he had been too -hasty in taking for granted that it was written round a prizefight. A -"mill" meant to him primarily such an incident, and his excursions into -the magic realms of literature had practically been confined to the -spirited accounts given incertain weekly papers of such encounters. A -mill as an industrial building conveyed quite a secondary idea to him. -He admitted to a friend of mine who found the book in the bar parlour, -and wondered how it got he had been "had" over it, and his faith in the -accuracy of literary advertisements got a severe jar. How was he to -tell, he asked, that the chap meant another sort of mill? - -How, indeed? - - - - -CHAPTER SEVEN--THE PEOPLE OF MALLINGHAM - - - - -I.--THE MAYOR - -ONE OF THE PECULIARITIES OF MALLINGHAM is the Mayor, for Mallingham has -a Mayor all to itself, except when, by virtue of his office, he spends a -happy day on various County Benches, joining with the representatives -of local county families in the administration of Petty Sessions -justice--Petty Sessions justice is founded on "good Crowner's Quest -law"--otherwise he is usually a very worthy man, and lays no specious -claim to popularity. He is never ostentatious or self-assertive, and in -spite of the position which he occupies, he is in private life as sound -an exponent of domestic virtue as if he were an ordinary simple citizen. -The eminence to which he has risen never makes him lose his head or -forget that kind hearts are more than coronets, and only very little -inferior to a Mayoral Chain of office. It was the proud but very proper -boast of a Mayor of Mallingham that although he had been proprietor of a -provision business in the very centre of the town for over forty years, -and had worn the chain for two consecutive terms, he was still just as -approachable as any man in the kingdom. - -Just as it was said in the Napoleonic days that every French soldier -carried the _bâton_ of a Field-Marshal in his knapsack, and as it is -said in these days in the States that any citizen may one day become -President--the contingency may account for the gloomy view so many -American citizens take of life--so it is understood that any burgess of -Mallingham may one day become Mayor. There is, however, no competition -for the office, so unambitious are the majority of the burgesses; and -now and again the Council find themselves face to face with the problem -of how to induce any one to accept the chain of office. - -Considering all that its acceptance entails upon the wearer, it can -easily be understood that there should be some reluctance to have -anything to do with it within the ranks of the eligible. If it were an -understood thing that the burgesses of the town must buy their bacon -and butter from the Mayor during his term of office, the problem of -the Mayoralty might become less acute--assuming that a bacon and butter -candidate were available; but no suggestion of this sort has ever been -made so far as I can gather, and thus the difficulty is increasing year -by year with the using up of all the available material for Mayors in -the rough. - -The fact is, that a great deal too much is expected from the Mayor. -There is an inaugural banquet every year at which some two hundred -burgesses, and several of the local gentry, and Members of Parliament, -with a bishop, a rural dean, and an occasional chaplain to the forces, -sit down on the invitation of the incoming Mayor.--He is expected to pay -for everything, and as the feast is founded on the noblest traditions -of civic catering, his bill cannot but be a heavy one. In no way is -the menu inferior in interest to that to be found on the table of the -Mansion House in the City of London. As a matter of fact, I believe that -the turtle soup served at the Mallingham banquet is a trifle richer -than that in the Mansion House, and the champagne is possibly a little -sweeter. But the status of the large proportion of the guests at the -one is widely different from that of the majority at the other. -In Mallingham the tradesmen--gas-fitters, grocers, tobacconists, -hair-cutters, newsagents, and the like--who are probably accustomed to -a midday dinner of a cut from the joint, two vegetables, cheese, and a -glass of ale, and want nothing better, work their way through a long and -elaborate succession of dishes, between the _hors d'ouvres assortis_ and -the home-grown pineapple, drinking glass after glass of Ayala, -_cuvée reservée_. Of course they may appreciate some of the simpler -delicacies--_vol-au-vent_ or the _faysans rotis_--but the most of the -dishes are mysteries to them and, though very expensive, altogether -obnoxious to the uneducated palate. - -To be sure, the banquet is artfully meant: it is supposed to be by way -of so incapacitating the diners that they are forced to listen to the -speeches that follow. Only by the adoption of such stringent measures -would it be possible to get a hearing for those speeches, made in all -solemnity by the gentlemen at the High Table. A loyal Mayor has been -known to spend twenty minutes over the Royal Family, after the King and -Queen had been honoured--he took a quarter of over Their Majesties; but -then the evening was comparatively young, and "The Bishops and Clergy of -the Established Church," "The Clergy of other Denominations," "The -Member of Parliament for the Division," "The Worshipful the Mayor," "The -Corporation of Mallingham," "The Official Staff," "The Town and Trade of -Mallingham"--all these had to be proposed and replied to in due course, -and the general opinion was that in making up the accounts, with the -banquet on the credit side and the speeches on the debit, a large -balance remained against the Mayor. - -And the inaugural banquet is merely the first of the series of -entertainments which are supposed to come from the same source. Two or -three balls, as many garden parties, and at least four large receptions, -with refreshments, are looked for by the townspeople of all grades, for -even the most exclusive of the leaders of the best set do not object to -be entertained at the expense of the Mayor. They consider it their -duty to attend the dances as well as the receptions; but there the -transaction ends so far as they are concerned. They feel that they are -honouring him by accepting his hospitality, and they do not consider -that they are under the obligation to recognise him or his family if -they meet in the public street, nor do they think it necessary to invite -him or any member of his family to their houses. They really believe in -their hearts that they lay the Mayor under an obligation to themselves -by attending his receptions and his dances. - - - - -II.--THE FIRST FAMILIES - -That is the attitude of these good people whose names are quite unknown -outside Mallingham. They are amusing through the entire lack on their -part of a sense of comedy. - -I am inclined to think, however, that the attitude of a son of one of -these First Families, in respect of an incident that came under my -notice, might be more definitely described. He had been invited by a man -who was in a far better social position than himself to have a day with -the partridges in a shooting which he leased; the youth accepted, and on -the morning of the day named appeared in a dog-cart, bringing with him -a friend with another gun. They passed the man who had given the -invitation, and who was walking to the first field and had still a mile -or so to go before reaching it; but though there was a vacant seat in -the dog-cart he was not asked to take it. They drove gaily on, and did -not even wait for him to come up with his dogs to begin operations. One -of them was walking up one side of the field and the other was walking -up the parallel side. The lessee of the shooting, on arriving, found -himself taking rather a back place, the fact being that he had no -acquaintance with his friend's friend, and his friend apparently not -thinking it necessary to introduce him. The shoot went on, however, -and, save for a little grumbling at the working of the dogs, it was -successful enough. On getting round to the dog-cart, after walking -through the last field, the visitors collected the birds that they had -shot and tucked them under the back seat, and mounting to the front -called out a cheery "good-bye" to the man who had entertained them. -They were about to drive off, but the breaking strain of the other's -politeness had been passed. - -"I shouldn't mind a lift from you," he suggested. - -"Sorry," explained the one with the reins; "but you see how rough the -lane is, and really the machine is too heavy as it is. Ta-ta." - -"On minute," said the pedestrian. "If it's too heavy I'll jolly soon -remedy that," and he took a step to the dog-cart and pulled out the -birds. "Pity you didn't think of that before. Now it's lighter. Off you -go, and the next time you are offered a day's shooting you just inquire, -from some one who knows, how you should behave. You will in that way be -prevented from appearing a complete bounder." - -For some time afterwards there was a sort of coldness between that man -and the First Family, whose representative had been prevented by him -from adding three brace of partridges to their menu for the next week. - -For a plentiful lack of good manners the representatives of the "best -set" in Mallingham could scarcely be surpassed in any community. The -youth probably was quite sincere in his belief that he was conferring -a conspicuous favour upon the man who had invited him to an afternoon -among the partridges. How could it be expected that he should think -differently when he had seen his mother and sisters feasting at the -Mayoral ball one night, and cutting the Mayor the next day when they met -him in the street? - -It was not a Mayoress of Mallingham, but of a much more important -municipality--one, in fact, of so great importance as to have a Lord -Mayor and a Lady Mayoress--who had the privilege of entertaining a -certain elderly offshoot of the Royal Family upon the occasion of the -laying of the foundation-stone of a new hospital in the town. This -particular minor Royalty is well known (in certain circles) for her -ample appreciation of the dignity of her exalted position, and, like all -such ladies, she is gracious in proportion to such dust of the earth as -Mayoresses and Presidents of Colleges and Chairmen of Hospital -Boards; and she made herself so pleasant to the Lady Mayoress who -was entertaining her, that the latter determined to keep up the -acquaintance, so she made it a point to pay her a visit in her private -capacity. She drove up the stately avenue to the mansion, and inquired -if Her Royal Highness were at home, just as if Her Royal Highness -had been the wife of the vicar. She was admitted--as far as a certain -room--and after an interval of long waiting there entered, not Her -Royal Highness, but a stranger, a member of the "Household" of the minor -Royalty, and they had a chilly chat together. - -And the friendship so auspiciously begun at the opening of the municipal -hospital made no advance beyond this interview, though it is understood -that the lady of the Household was as polite as if she were Her Royal -Highness herself. - - - - -III.--MISS LATIMER'S MARRIAGE LINES - -There is nothing that the best set in Mallingham so resent as -pretentiousness, or the semblance of pretentiousness, on the part of any -one who does not belong to the best set. A few years ago a Mrs. Latimer, -who lives in a delightful old house close to our village of Thurswell -and is a widow, married one of her two pretty and accomplished daughters -to a young man who was beginning to make a name for himself at the Bar. -He had been at Uppingham and Oxford, and was altogether the sort of -person by whose side the most fastidious young woman would not shrink -from meeting her enemy in the Gate. The wedding was made an event of -more than usual importance, for the girl and her mother were greatly -liked, and on the mother's side were connections of actual county rank. -The list of names in the county newspaper of the wedding guests and -of the numerous presents was an imposing one: among the former was the -widow of a Baronet, a County Court Judge, a Major-General (retired), -and a Master of Hounds; and among the latter, a diamond and sapphire -necklace (the gift of the bridegroom), a cheque (from the bride's -uncle), a silver-mounted dressing-bag (from the bride's sister), and the -usual silver-backed brushes, button-hooks, shoe-lifters, blotters, and -nondescript articles. When the late Dr. Schliemann exhibited the result -of his excavations at the supposed site of Troy, there were to be seen -several articles to which no use could possibly be assigned. No one -seemed to perceive that these must have been wedding presents. - -It was, however, generally allowed that the wedding had been a very -pretty one, that the bride had looked her best, and that the bridegroom -appeared a good fellow; and in addition to the column and a half -devoted to the affair by a generous newspaper, there appeared the usual -announcement: Weston--Latimer.--On the 2nd inst., at Thurswell Church, by -the Rev. Theophilas Watson, B.A.Oxon, Vicar of Thurswell, late Incumbent -of St. Michael and All Angels, Bardswell, and Rural Dean, assisted -by the Rev. Anselm Sigurd Mott, M. A., late Fellow of King's College, -London, and Senior Curate of St. James the Less, Brindlington, -William Henry, eldest son of the late John Weston of King's Elms, -Leicestershire, to Ida Evelyn, elder daughter of the late George -Cruikshank Latimer, of Todderwell, and Susan Prescott Latimer, of Grange -Lodge, Thurswell. - -This was the advertised notice in the _Telegraph_, as well as in the -local paper, on the day after the wedding. - -Three or four days later, however, there appeared, in the -corresponding column of the _Post_, an amended version of the same -announcement--Weston--Latimer.--On the 2nd inst., at Thurswell Parish -Church, William Henry Weston, eldest son of the late John Weston, -Attorney's Clerk, King's Elms, Leicestershire, to Ida, daughter of the -late George C. Latimer, Farmer, Todderwell. - -This piece of feline malevolence was easily traced to a lady with a -highly marriageable daughter who had been posing for several years as -one of the guardians of "exclusiveness" of Mallingham. An adroit lady -had only to pay her a visit, ostensibly to call her attention to the -delightful announcement--"the cleverest thing that had ever been done," -she called it--to invite a return of confidence, and, with sparkling -eyes, the perpetrator accepted the credit of thinking out the scheme for -the humiliation of her neighbour for her arrogance in making so much of -the wedding. - -And the most melancholy part of the contemptible affair was that the -greater number of the best set actually talked over it as a properly -administered blow to the Latimers, and chuckled over it for many days. - -But the very next year Mrs. Latimer's other daughter got married to the -heir to a baronetcy; the wedding took place in St. George's, Hanover -Square, and the _Post_ gave an account of it to the extent of half a -column, and the _Mirror_ gave photographs of the bride and bridegroom. - -It would scarcely be believed, except by some one acquainted with the -best society at Mallingham, that upon this occasion the lady who had -displayed her skill in snubbing the Latimers sent a two-guinea present -to the bride. It was understood that the list of presents would appear -in the _Post;_ but when this list appeared the name of the donor of this -special gift was absent from it: the two-guinea gift had been promptly -returned by the mother of the bride. - -And here is another touch: the valuable cake basket was returned with a -heavy dinge in one place, which the jeweller affirms was not there -when he packed it in tissue paper and shavings in its box with the -card bearing the inscription: "To dear Constance, with best wishes -from--------" That is why he refused to take it back. - -It was the son of this lady whose generosity was so spurned who, on -leaving the rather second-class public school at which he received a -sort of education, gravely said to another boy from Mallingham who had -also just been finished-- - -"I suppose I'll often see you at Mallingham, old chap, as we are both -living there, and I'm sure that I should be very glad to have a -chat with you now and then; but, of course, you won't expect me to -acknowledge you if I am walking with my mother or sister." - -"Why not?" asked the other boy. - -"Oh, my dear fellow, can't you see that it would never do?" said the -first. "You know that your people are not in our set. You can't expect -that because we happen to have been three years in the same house, -we are in the same social position at home. But, as you know, there's -nothing of the snob about me, and any time that we meet in one of the -side streets, and even at the unfashionable end of High Street, I'll -certainly nod to you. But that's the farthest that I can be expected to -go." - -The other boy certainly expected him to go very much farther even than -the unfashionable end of the High Street, and ventured to delimitate the -boundaries of the place, and to say a word or two respecting its climate -and the fitness of his companions and all his family for a permanent -residence there. Being a biggish lad, and enjoying a reputation for -being opposed to peace at any price, he could express his inmost -feelings without being deterred by any inconvenient reprisals. - -The other did not even respond to his exuberance upon this occasion. He -sulked in the corner of the railway carriage where the conversation took -place, and he has been sulking ever since. - - - - -IV.--THE ENTERPRISE OF MALLINGHAM - -It was a gentleman who travelled in the latest styles in soft goods who -was heard to affirm that Mallingham was not a town: it was a dormitory. - -He doubtless spoke from the horizon line of soft goods, having in his -eye certain of those firms who still do business in the concave side of -ancient bay windows, and have not yet been lured on to fortnightly cheap -sales behind a sheet of plate-glass. A commercial traveller takes some -time to recover his selfrespect after importuning a possible client in -the con-cavity of an eighteenth-century window of what was once a dainty -parlour, but is now a dingy shop. - -[Illustration: 0139] - -But, as a matter of fact, there is a deep and pellucid well of -enterprise in the centre of commercial circles in Mallingham, and it -only wants an occasional stir to irrigate the dead levels of the town. -For instance, there is published by a stationer in the High Street -the _Mallingham Almanac_, an annual work which gives a large amount -of interesting information valuable to many persons in an agricultural -district, such as the list of fair days in all the villages in the -county, the hours of the rising and setting of the sun (of undoubted -interest to farmers), the changes of the moon (also very important to -have noted down to the very second), the equation of time from day to -day (without which we could hardly get on at all), the time of high -water at London Bridge, and the variation of the compass (indispensable -to agriculturists). A graver note is, however, sounded in the pages -devoted to prophecy, after the style of the ever veracious Francis -Moore, where readers, born when Mercury was in the Fourth House, are -warned against eating uncooked horse-chestnuts on a Friday, and the -general public are told that as, in a certain month, Mars and Neptune -are in opposition--perhaps it should be apposition--news will be -published regarding the German Emperor. - -Then there are pages given over wholly to poetry, like Ephraim and his -idols. - -The spirit of enterprise which flutters--I am afraid that I referred to -it in an earlier paragraph in a way that suggested water which really -does not flutter,--as a moth round a flame, round a good advertising -medium in Mallingham, is shown by the pages of business cards scattered -throughout the sheets of this almanac. - -In his Address to his Subscribers which prefaces the last issue, the -publisher, who is also the editor, recognises in a handsome way -the support which he has received from his numerous advertisers -and expresses the earnest hope that they may all, individually and -collectively, find that their business will rapidly increase as a reward -for their enterprise. - -On the opposite page may be read the business cards of three -undertakers. - -Mallingham is certainly not a dormitory so far as the possibilities of -trade are concerned. It may safely be said that every business house -will undertake undertaking in all its branches and the removal of -furniture. No matter how small may be the apparent connection between -the business professed on the shop sign and the undertaking industry or -the removal industry, you will find on inquiry the utmost willingness -expressed to meet your wishes in either direction. - -The qualification of a dealer in antiques to carry out such a contract -is not immediately apparent, but it is certainly more apparent than that -of an auctioneer; at least, if you need to be buried, it is not to an -auctioneer you will go in the first instance. To be sure, if you read -_Othello_ carefully you will find that there is quite an intimate -connection between "removals" and undertaking; but, as a rule, for -business purposes each of the two trades is regarded as distinct from -the other. - -But in Mallingham you not only find them amalgamated, but both are run -(decorously) in association with hardware, upholstery, blind-making, -carpetbeating, life and fire assurance (not at all so extraordinary this -last named), crockery, and soft goods. It is rumoured that the largest -business in the "lines" referred to is in the hands of a rag and bone -merchant and a dyer. - -It is pleasant to be able to record that no one has yet been known to -accept the suggestion of the pun in regard to the aptitude of the dyer -in such a connection, and it is certain that Shakespeare himself would -not have been able to resist the temptation. But Shakespeare has said -many things that no one in Mallingham would care to invent or even to -repeat. - -One of the most notable instances of the professional enterprise of -Mallingham was told to me by its victim. He was a clergyman, and the -curate of one of the parishes. Now there are curates who are as fully -qualified to discharge the duties of their calling as is a Rector, -or even a Rural Dean: some of those whom we find in the country have -"walked the hospitals," so to speak, having been for years labouring in -the slums of a large town; but some are what might be termed only "first -aid" men, and it was a "first aid" curate who, on taking up his duties -in Mallingham, set about a zealous house-to-house visitation, being -determined to become personally acquainted with every member of his -flock. - -He had already made some headway in the course he had mapped out for -himself, and was becoming greatly liked for his sociability before he -had reached the letter R in his visiting list, at the head of which -was the name of Mr. Walter Ritchie, the dentist, a gentleman who, in -addition to enjoying an excellent practice as a destructive rather than -a constructive artist, was a good Churchman. It was between the hours of -twelve and one that the zealous curate found it convenient to call upon -him, and he was promptly shown into the waiting-room, where there was an -elderly lady with a slightly swollen face studying the pages of a very -soiled _Graphic_ of three weeks old. Of her company he was, however, -bereft within the space of a few minutes, and the _Graphic_ was -available for his entertainment for the next quarter of an hour. Then -the maid returned and said that Mr. Ritchie would see him now, and he -followed her across the passage and was shown into the usual operating -room of the second-class practitioner of the country town. - -Mr. Ritchie greeted him warmly and so volubly as saved the clergyman -the need for introducing any of the professional inanities which are -supposed to smooth the way to an honourable _rapprochement_ be-ween a -pastor and an unknown member of his pastorate. The parson had not really -a word to say when Mr. Ritchie got upon the topic of teeth, and warned -his visitor that he must be very careful in his use of the Mallingham -water until he should get accustomed to it. It had an injurious effect -upon the natural enamel of the teeth of the lower jaw, he said. - -"I will explain to you what I mean, if you will kindly sit here," he -added, pointing to the iron-framed chair, the shape of which expresses -the most excruciating comfort to a dentist's clientele. The curate, -wishing to be all things to all men, though he had no intention of being -a dentist's "example," smiled and seated himself. In an instant Mr. -Ritchie had him in his power; bending over him, he gently scraped away -some of the "enamel" from one of his front teeth and, exhibiting a speck -on the end of the steel scraper, explained the chemical changes which -an unguarded use of the chalky water of the town supply would have upon -that substance, though it made no difference to the secretions of the -glands of the upper jaw. - -This was very interesting and civil, if somewhat "shoppy," of Mr. -Ritchie, the clergyman thought, and once more opened his mouth to allow -of the dentist's obtaining a sample of the alkaline deposit to which he -had alluded. But the moment his jaws were apart Mr. Ritchie made a sound -as of a sudden indrawing of his breath. - -"Ha, what have we here?" he cried. "Nasty, nasty! but not too far -gone--no, I sincerely hope, not too far gone. One moment." He had -inserted a little shield-shaped mirror in the curate's mouth and was -pressing it gently against an upper tooth. "Ah yes, as I thought--a -little stuffing will save it. Nerve exposed. You are quite right to come -to me at once. A stitch in time, you know. It will hardly require any -drilling--only at the rough edges." - -The clergyman was not the man to protest against Mr. Ritchie's -civilities. He admitted that the tooth had given him some trouble the -previous year, but he had not thought it worth consulting a dentist -about. - -"That's the mistake that people make," said Mr. Ritchie mournfully. -"They usually associate a visit to their dentist with some -atrocity--some moments of agony--that was the result of the old -tradition, dating back to John Leech's days. Of course, in those dark -ages dentists did not exist, whereas now---- I think I would do well to -do a little crown work between the tooth I am stopping and the next: the -gap between the two is certain to work mischief before many months are -over, and the back of the nearest molar has become so worn through the -pressure of that overgrown one below it that, if not checked in time, it -will break off with you some fine day. I'm glad that you came to me -to-day. I will make a new man of you." - -He had the little ingenious emery drill working away before the -clergyman remembered that he had not come to pay a professional visit -to the dentist--that is to say, he had meant that his visit should be -a professional one so far as his own profession went, but not that it -should be a professional one so far as the profession of the other man -went. But it seemed to him that the dentist was fast approaching the -moment when he, the dentist, would not be amenable to the _convenances_ -of the parochial visit, but would become completely absorbed in the -_nuances_ of dental science which every revolution of the emery drill -seemed to be revealing. He could say nothing. He was in an unaccustomed -posture for speech. He was lying in the steely embrace of that highly -nickelised chair, with his face looking up to the ceiling--exactly the -reverse of the attitude in which he felt so fluent every Sunday evening. -With his head bending over the top of his pulpit, he felt that he was -equal to explaining everything in heaven above or the earth beneath; but -sprawling back, with his eyes on the ceiling, and a thing whizzing like -a cockchafer in his mouth, he was incapable of protest, even when he -had recovered himself sufficiently to feel that a protest might be -judicious, if not actually effective. - -He submitted. - -For the next four weeks he was, off and on, in the hands of Mr. Ritchie. -It seemed as he went on that he had not a really sound tooth in his -head, though he told me, almost tearfully, that previously he had always -prided himself on his excellent teeth. - -"I think Mr. Ritchie went too far in the end," he added, recapitulating -the main incidents of his indictment of the dentist. "I dare say a -couple of my molars were showing signs of wear and tear, and so were all -the better for being filled in properly; and it is quite likely that -the gulf between the other two was the better for being bridged -over--possibly a flake or two needed to be ground away from one of the -grinders at the back--but I am sure that the time occupied in correcting -some of the other irregularities which he perceived, but which had never -caused me a moment's inconvenience, might have been better spent. I -often thought so; but I said nothing until he calmly advised me to have -six of my upper jaw painlessly extracted, apparently for no other reason -than to show me how the new system of injecting cocaine, or something, -worked, and that he could do what he called 'crown work' with the best -dentists at Brindlington--then I thought it time to speak out, and I did -speak out." - -"And what did you say to him?" I inquired, for I longed to be put in -touch with the phraseology of a "first aid" parson when speaking out. - -"I didn't spare him: I told him just what I thought of him." - -"And what did that amount to? Nothing grossly offensive, I hope." - -"I wasn't careful of my words; I did not weigh them. If they sounded -offensive to him I cannot help it." - -"What did you say to him, as nearly as you can recollect? I'm rather a -connoisseur of language and I may be able to relieve your mind, if you -have any uneasiness on the subject of the man's feelings when you had -done with him. What did you say to him?" - -"I told him plainly that I thought he had gone too far; and now, looking -at the whole transaction from a purely impersonal standpoint, I am not -disposed to withdraw a single word of what I said. He did go too far--I -honestly believe it. You will understand that it is not easy for one to -take up an attitude of complete detachment in considering a matter such -as this in all its bearings; but I think that I have disciplined myself -sufficiently to be able to consider it in an unprejudiced spirit, and -really I do believe that he went too far." - -"If he did, you certainly did not," said I. "Has he sent you in his -bill?" - -"It is not his bill that matters--it only comes to £5, 11s. 6d. What -I objected to was his implication that I had not a sound tooth in my -head--I that have been accustomed during the past five years to crack -nuts--not mere filberts, mind, but the sort that come from Brazil--at -all the school feasts without the need for crackers! Just think of it! -Oh yes, he certainly went too far." - -I agreed with him; I had no idea that there was so much enterprise in -all Mallingham. - -The general idea that prevails in regard to Mallingham is that it has -remained stagnant--except for its aspirations after plate-glass--during -the past four or five hundred years of its existence. A dog of some sort -lies asleep at midday under almost every shop window, and cats of all -sorts may be seen crossing the High Street at almost any hour. That is -how it comes that the town seems so charming to visitors, and to those -of its inhabitants who are not engaged in business. - -This being so, I was disposed to laugh at the sly humour of a man and -his wife--they were Russian nobles who motored across from Brindlington -to lunch with us at Thurswell--who said they had enjoyed the drive -exceedingly, until they had come to Mallingham. "A horrid, rowdy place, -like the East End of London on Saturday night," were the exact words -those visitors employed, and I had actually begun to laugh at their -ironical humour when I saw that they were meant to be in earnest. For -some time I was in a state of perplexity; but then the truth suddenly -flashed upon me: it was the day of the Mallingham Races--one of the -three days of the year when the dogs are not allowed to sleep in the -streets and when the cats remain indoors, when the High Street is for -a full hour after the arrival of the train crowded with all that it -disgorges, and when there is a stream of vehicles carrying to the -picturesque racecourse on the Downs the usual supporters of the turf, -with redfaced bookmakers and their "pitches," as objectionable a crew as -may be encountered in the streets of any country town at any season. - -It was clear that my friends had reached the High Street of Mallingham -a few minutes after the arrival of the train, and not being aware of the -exceptional circumstances which had galvanised the place into life for -a brief twenty minutes, they had assumed that this was the normal aspect -of the town! I did my best to remove from Mallingham the reproach of -being the great centre of bustling life that it had seemed to these -strangers; but I could see that I did not altogether succeed in -convincing them that, except for four days out of the year, nothing -happens in Mallingham--three days of races and one night of loyal -revelry--for even the holding of the Assizes three times a year does not -cause the town to awake from its immemorial repose. The trumpets sound -as the judge drives up to the County Hall with a mounted escort, and the -shopkeepers come to their doors and glance down the street; the sleeping -dogs jump up and begin to bark in a half-hearted way, but settle -themselves comfortably down again before the last note of the fanfare -has passed away, and, except for an occasional glimpse of a man in a wig -crossing the street to the hotel, the Assize week passes much the same -as any other week of the uneventful year. Three hundred years have -passed since anything happened in Mallingham, and then it was nothing -worth talking about. One must go back seven hundred years to find the -town the centre of an historical incident of importance. - -But the rumour is that Messrs. Williamson & Rubble, drapers and -outfitters, are about to have a new plate-glass front made for both -their shops, with convex corners and roll-up shutters; so Mallingham -marches onward from century to century--slowly. - - - - -CHAPTER EIGHT--THE PUSHING PROVINCIAL TOWN - - - - -I.--THE MODERN METHODS - -THE MILD AND BASHFUL ENTERPRISE of Mallingham is made to look -ridiculous when contrasted with the unblushing business energy of -Burford, that bustling town of twenty thousand inhabitants at the -farther end of Nethershire. Burford lends itself as an awful example of -what can be accomplished by that dynamic element known as "push." It was -born picturesque, but has since become prosperous. Its Corporation has -long ago done away with all those features of interest to antiquarians -which are ineradicable in Mallington, however earnestly the ambitious -Council of the latter may labour for their annihilation; so although -strangers knowing something of the early history of Burford, come to it -expecting to find it the "dear old quaint place" of the girl with the -camera, they bicycle away before accepting the hospitality offered by -the bill of fare displayed in the broad windows of the double-fronted -modern restaurant lately set up by Messrs. Caterham & Co., of London, -where the old conduit house, mentioned in the guide-books, stood for -centuries, in the High Street. The Corporation are, it is rumoured, -meditating the advisability of altering the name of the High Street into -the King's Parade. The sooner they make a move in this direction the -better it will be for all concerned; for undoubtedly, as the Mayor -recently pointed out, the town has passed out of the category of towns -with a High Street, and may claim to be admitted into the select circle -of those with their Royal Avenues and Princes' Promenades. - -So why not make a bold step forward with King's Parade? - -Why not indeed? - -The invasion of Burford by Messrs. Caterham, with their score of little -marble tables and a choice of four dishes for luncheon, was equivalent -to putting the seal of modernity upon the old High Street; but its claim -to compete in its extent of plate-glass frontage with the most advanced -centres of business enterprise, was long ago proved by the establishment -of Messrs. Shenstone's fine "drapery emporium" (vide advertisements) -on the site of the old Castlegate Inn. It is said that even in the -difficult matter of supplying sables to suit all classes of customers -this house can hold its own with any in the trade. - -A customer enters with an inquiry for a set of sables. - -"Forward furs," the shopwalker commands--he actually is a full corporal -in the Territorials--and the lady finds herself confronted at the -counter by a young man with a Bond Street frock-coat and a Regent Street -smile, who says-- - -"Sables, madam? Certainly." - -He leaves her for a few moments and returns with an armful of furs, -which he displays, laying each piece over his arm and smoothing it down -as if it were--well, a sort of cat. - -"Price, madam?" He refers to a ticket. "Two hundred guineas, madam--all -Russian. Something not quite so expensive? Certainly, madam." Once again -he goes away and returns with another armful. "These are quite superior -furs, madam. Real sable? Certainly, madam, real Musquash sable. -Sixty-five pounds. Something cheaper, madam? Certainly. I have a very -nice line of inexpensive sables that I think you will like." He beckons -to a young lady farther up the counter, and she brings him a bundle of -tawny skins, which he displays as before. "A very nice line, madam--very -chaste and showy. Real sable? Oh, certainly--real electric sable, every -piece. Price, madam? Nine guineas, including muff. Something cheaper -still? Certainly, madam." He climbs up a small and handy ladder and -lifts down a large pasteboard box full of furs. "These, madam--very -tasteful--large amount of wear--sell a great number of these. Real -sable? Certainly, madam, real rabbit sable, thirty-nine and eleven. -Something rather less? Certainly, madam." He pulls down another box, -takes off the lid, and exposes skins. "Nice lot these, madam, very -highly thought of--largely worn in London this season. Real sable, -madam? Certainly, madam--real ox-tail sable, ten and six the set. Shall -we send them? Thank you. What name, please? Johnston--with the t? Thank -you. And the next article, madam? Oh yes, this afternoon for certain." - -That is the sort of business house you find in the High Street, Burford, -in these days; so that there can hardly be a doubt that it is time the -thoroughfare changed its name to King's Parade. If people want genuine -ox-tail sables they will go to a King's Parade for it much more readily -than they would to a High Street. But there is a deeper depth in sables -that a customer can only reach in a Royal Avenue; this is the genuine -charwoman's sable at three and eleven, muff included. Messrs. Shenstone -& Co. are, however, select and conscientious; they will not sell you as -the real article anything that will not bear the closest scrutiny, and -their ox-tail sable marks the limit to which they will go. It may -be foolish in these go-ahead days to have any scruples, but Messrs. -Shenstone are ready to submit to any reproach rather than to give a -customer, however humble, a misleading description of any article. - - - - -II.--LIBRARIANS WHILE YOU WAIT - -As a matter of course, Burford has a Public Library of its own. -The Corporation had a chance of acquiring a library that had been in -existence for some years: it had been built as a memorial to her -husband by a wealthy lady in the neighbourhood, and it contained several -thousand volumes of the "improving" sort which were so much in favour -with fathers and mothers and uncles and aunts--in fact, with all manner -of people except readers--fifty or sixty years ago. For purposes of -a public library such a collection is absurd, and should have been -consigned to one of the Corporation's rubbish carts without delay, -together with its Encyclopaedias dated 1812. The books were, however, -allowed to encumber the shelves, and there they remain unto this day, -to assist in the culture of much that would interest an earnest -bacteriologist. To the majority of the members of the Corporation, -however, "a book's a book although there's nothing in it," and their -"library" is packed with books and bacteria, both happily undisturbed -for years. - -Some time ago a charwoman with a husband was required to sweep the -floors and put the daily papers in their proper frames, and so the -Corporation advertised for a "librarian" and his wife, mentioning the -"salary" at fifty pounds a year. But they did not add, as they might -have done, "no knowledge of books required," and the consequence was -that at the annual meeting of the Library Association the distinguished -President referred to the advertisement with disparaging comments in -respect of the "salary" offered to the "librarian." It was not likely -that such a reflection upon the liberality of the Corporation of Burford -would be allowed to go to the world with impunity, so a member who -considered himself responsible for the advertisement and the fixing -of the renumeration wrote to the papers, pointing out that caretaker's -rooms were granted to the "librarian" in addition to his "salary," so -that the Corporation were really munificent in their offer; but whether -they were so or not, they could get plenty of people to discharge the -duties of "librarian" on the conditions set down. - -He was quite right. The applicants for the coveted post were numerous. -They represented all the out-of-work men in the neighbourhood. Porters, -jobbing gardeners, discharged soldiers with the rank of private, and the -usual casuals applied, and the most eligible of these seemed to be an -ex-soldier: "We should do all we can for old army men," said one of -the Committee very properly, and so the old soldier stood at attention, -saluted, and became a "librarian." The ability of the Corporation of -Burford must be admired: they can make any man a librarian in five -minutes; though the general opinion that prevails on the subject is that -long years of careful training are needed to qualify even a man of good -education for the post of librarian! - -That is where the management of a matter that makes no appeal to the -illiterate becomes a farce in the hands of such a body. What they wanted -was a charwoman with a husband, not a librarian with a wife; but with -traditional pomposity they must needs advertise for a "librarian" with a -"salary." So far as I can gather, the caretaker can sweep out a library -with any man; but if you ask for any particular book--well, he does his -best. But a man may be an adept with brooms and yet a tyro with books. -He is another of the things that are not what they seem at Burford. - -[Illustration: 0157] - - - - -III.--ARCHĈOLOGICAL ENTERPRISE - -There is quite a good Museum at Burford. It was formed, I believe, in -the pre-Corporation days, and so it is under intelligent control. -Local antiquities are represented with some attempt at completeness and -classification, and its educational value would be very great if the -people of the neighbourhood could be induced to give to it some of -the time that they devote to football. A few years ago, however, -an irresistible appeal was made to the culture of the town by the -acquisition for the collections of a human hand from the Solomon -Islands. As soon as it was understood that this treasure had just been -added to those in the Museum there was a rush to see it, and thousands -of persons paid their sixpences for a glance at it, and in the course of -a day or two after its arrival it had become the topic of the place. -If you had not seen it you were regarded as a complete outsider. It was -considered a great hardship that visitors were not allowed to touch -this exhibit; for, after all, a look at such an object is -unsatisfactory--quite different from a hearty handshake. To shake such -a hand would be satisfying, it was generally thought, and I have much -pleasure in associating myself with such an expression of opinion. A -little of it would satisfy any but the most grasping nature. - -It was in this Museum that there reposed for years in one of its glass -cases an interesting exhibit labelled "Fragment of ancient pottery, -probably Saxon, effects of lead glazing still visible." - -It was thought to be part of a pitcher, and some ingenious and -imaginative antiquary had made an excellent drawing of the original -vessel, showing the bulge in the body from which the piece had -been broken. Many papers had been written about the fragment, some -authorities contending that it was not of Saxon but Roman origin, and -others that, as it had been found on a part of the coast which had -at one time been covered by the sea, it was almost certain to be of -Scandinavian origin: it had been on board one of the Norse pirate -galleys that had harried the whole of the South Coast, and marks were -pointed out along the edge which were said to be the traces of a rude -decoration of Scandinavian design. - -For years the controversy was carried on with a large display of -learning on all sides, until one day a geologist of distinction visited -the Museum, and announced that the specimen of pottery was a section -of a human skull. A little examination and a comparison of the specimen -with an ordinary human skull showed beyond the possibility of doubt that -this view was the correct one, and the label was changed without delay. -But when it became known that the Museum was in possession of part of a -human skull, it was visited by hundreds of people all anxious to get -a glimpse of so interesting an object, and if possible--but this was -rather too much to hope for--to hold it in their hands; and for weeks -the contents of other cases lay unnoticed. The broken skull was the real -attraction. - -It was an amazingly thick skull: if it had not been so thick it would -probably not have led its original owner to forfeit it, but would have -suggested to him a way of escape from those unfriendly persons who had -deprived him of its use. But the owner would certainly have made a -good show at an old election fight, or have reached a green old age in -Tipperary. - -I once saw on a shelf in the Museum a piece of old ironwork in the form -of a rushlight holder. So it was labelled, and the date 1609 assigned -to it. It was stated on the label that it was probably the work of a -well-known ironworker of the neighbourhood in which it had been found. -I ventured, however, to differ from this last suggestion, the fact being -that this particular example of seventeenth-century ironwork was not -made during that century or by that craftsman, but by a more crafty -person during the latter years of the reign of Edward the Seventh. -My reason for coming to this conclusion was not the result of the -possession on my part of any special acquaintance with wrought-iron or -the methods of the old workers, but simply because I had been present -when the thing was in course of being forged--in both senses _forged._ -The craftsman had been called away from his job suddenly, and when I -entered his unostentatious forge there the thing was lying as he had -left it, in an unfinished condition. Some days later I saw it among a -heap of scrap iron of various sorts in his yard, and it rather took my -fancy. I pulled it forth and asked the man if he had any idea what -it was. He replied that, so far as he could remember, an antiquarian -gentleman had told him that it was for holding a rushlight. I looked at -it closely and said that I did not think it was old, and he replied that -he didn't believe it to be very old either; but it wasn't a handsome -thing anyway. - -I threw it down and began to talk about other matters, and the next I -saw of it was in the Museum above its neatly lettered label. - -I told the craftsman where I had seen it, and he smiled. - -"It seems that there are people who know more about these ancient old -things than us, sir," he said. "A man that has a great fancy for his -own opinion came round here shortly after you were here, and I could see -that he had his eye on that thing, though it was lying among the scraps; -and when he had talked long enough to put me off thinking that it had -caught his eye, he picked it up and asked me what I would take for it. -I told him half a sovereign, and he beat me down to three half-crowns. -Then he sold it to Anson in the Corn-market for a pound, and Anson took -it to the Museum and got thirty-five shillings for it. That's the whole -story. The others got a good bit more out of it than me." - -"That was a shame," said I; "considering that you made it, you should -have had the largest share of the profit." - -He smiled and said-- - -"I don't complain. What would be the use?" - -In the same neighbourhood there is another excellent workman. He has -always in the backyard of his house quite a number of antique Sussex -firebacks maturing. He lays down firebacks as wise people lay down wine -to mature. They look absurdly clean and fresh when they come from the -place where he casts them, but time and the oxide of iron soon remedy -all those defects, and when they have been lying rusting for a month -or two the aspect of the design is changed. A rough scrubbing--not too -much, but just enough--and an exposure in a brisk fire to produce the -marks of long years of duty in the sturdy old yeoman's grate, with the -crane swinging over it, and another specimen of the Sussex fireback -is ready for the market. The market is always ready. It will take the -sturdy old yeoman's crane, with its hooks and its levers, as well as -his fireback, and so the industry of the craftsman and the craft of the -dealer man are stimulated. - -There is still a brisk trade done in the manufacture of ancient flint -weapons--hatchets, spear barbs, arrow-heads, and the like--in our -county, though I have heard that there has been a melancholy falling off -in the volume of business done in this particular line during the past -twenty years. It is never well to be too certain about the treasures one -acquires nowadays, either in iron or flaky flint, but I have heard that -long ago a collector had quite as great reason to be cautious. A large -number of interesting flint weapons were with reasonable luck to be -dredged out of the sand and mud of some rivers. It was only reasonable -to suppose that these things had some thousands of years ago been in -active use in battles fought at the ford, and that they had remained -undisturbed for centuries in the bed of the river. I heard of an eminent -archaeologist having acquired quite a number of these implements bearing -unmistakable signs of antiquity. They had been dredged out of the Thames -from time to time, he heard. Unfortunately he mentioned this fact to a -dealer who had also heard of these dredgings, and offered to lend him -the collection for examination. The first experiment upon them was the -last. They had only to be boiled in a strong solution of soda to have -their true character--their false character--revealed. When taken out of -the kettle the things were as fresh as if made the day before. They had -not been made the day before, but they had certainly been made within -the year. They were nothing more than flaky fakes. - -After all, it is safer for a tradesman to use his own imagination in the -preparation of his wares than to ask his customers to use theirs. For -instance a dealer in curious things, in Burford, seeing some funny -wooden dolls in a shop window, bought the whole five and then used up -some scraps of old brocade and remnants of Genoa velvet in dressing them -in costumes to be found in the recognised authority. He exposed them for -sale sitting in a row, and very amazing they must have appeared. - -"Quaint things, are they not? Mediaeval puppets. I don't know that -I ever saw the like before. Of course you see what they are meant to -represent? Why, the Five Senses, to be sure. Fifteen guineas for the -five. If I don't sell them at once I'll send them to the Victoria and -Albert Museum. They'll jump at them." - -"I shouldn't mind buying one of them," said the customer; "but I could -not do with the whole five." - -"Sorry, sir; but you could scarcely ask me to break the set--I don't -believe there is another set in existence," said the dealer. - -"I think you might let me have one. I have bought a lot of things from -you from time to time." - -"I should like to, sir--yes, I should indeed like you to have one, -but--you see the whole beauty of the set is that it is a set--the Five -Senses." - -Some further conversation ensued, and at last the dealer showed himself -to be less inflexible than he had been at first, and the customer -secured one of the mediaeval curiosities for four pounds. - -A few days later another customer called and duly inspected the four -remaining dolls. - -"Very curious, sir--very unique, I think. Of course you see the idea, -sir--the Four Seasons. Fifteenth-century Venetian, I should say. You -can see the bit of brocade--old Venetian beyond a question. I wish I -had half a dozen yards of it. Twenty guineas I'm asking for the set. I'm -afraid I couldn't break the set. It's hardly fair to ask me, sir." - -But eventually he yielded to the importunity of the customer and got -five guineas for a second of his creations. - -"Singular things, sir--Early Italian Church puppets beyond doubt. They -used to dress them fantastically and stand them on the altar, I believe. -You observe the symbolic character of the set, sir--the Trinity. Votive -offerings and that, you know. Even in the present day you see such -things at wayside shrines in Catholic countries. I'm afraid it would -spoil the set to sell one out of the three, sir. You had better take the -three now that you have the chance. Very unique, I call them, and only -eighteen pounds for the three." - -But the man had no use for the three, and after some haggling he got the -one he wanted for £5, 10s. - -"And then there were two," as the story of the ten little nigger boys -has it. - -"Church pieces, madam. Fourteenth-century Spanish--the embroidery is -Spanish, I am sure. I wish I had a yard of it. Adam and Eve they are -meant to represent," etc. etc. - -It seemed as if no one could do with more than one of these "very -unique" treasures; so he was forced to let the lady separate our first -parents, paying five pounds for making the divorce decree absolute. - -Before the end of the week he had sold a unique example of a Flemish -doll--"One may see the like in some of Teniers' pictures. They treasure -them up from generation to generation in the houses of the old nobility. -It is very rarely that one gets into the market. You see they regard it -as a matter of family honour never to sell one of them." - -He sold it for six pounds, and took his wife to a theatre where, -curiously enough, the diverting play of _La Poupée_ was being performed. -It is a diverting play, but not, I think, "absolutely unique." - -It will be gathered from these instances of local business enterprise -how amply the modern spirit of making the most of one's opportunities of -"getting on" is represented among the commercial population of Burford. -Its manufacturers may be divided into two classes: the makers and the -fakers, and it is generally understood that the latter make the most -money. - - - - -CHAPTER NINE--RED-TILED SOCIETY - - - - -I.--THE ILLUSTRIOUS STRANGER - -ALL THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM at Burford, as I have ventured -to suggest. But the majority of the inhabitants think that they are. -Probably at one time they were; but with the development of the spirit -of modern enterprise in the town a new complexion has been put upon -various features associated with the daily life of the place, so that -one needs to go beneath the surface of things in general in order to -find out what they really are. - -It was literally the new complexion put upon a very ordinary commercial -undertaking that caused some of the most self-respecting of the -inhabitants to forget themselves upon one occasion a year or two ago. -To be sure, they had done nothing that should have caused even the most -susceptible a qualm; but they thought they had, and this impression was -strengthened by the attitude of a good many of their friends, so that -the result was just as unpleasant to them as if they had been guilty of -some gross piece of foolishness. - -The circumstances of this new complexion must be dealt with in detail in -order to be fully appreciated by people outside Burford. - -When an announcement appeared in the local newspapers that the town -would shortly be visited by a distinguished Hindu, the Cachar of -Darjeeling, a considerable amount of excitement was caused in the best -circles of Burford Society--the best circles, it is scarcely necessary -to say, are those that have their centre somewhere in the new quarter, -the bright red-brick villa quarter of the town--and every one was -inquiring what Mrs. Paston would do in the matter. Mrs. Paston had -obtained in many quarters an ample recognition of her authority as -_arbiter elegantarium_, and her lead in social matters was regarded as -inevitable even by those who could not conscientiously accept her dicta -as the last word on every point. - -What will Mrs. Paston do when the Cachar of Darjeeling comes to Burford? -That was the question which people asked of one another over cups of tea -with occasional muffins; and the result of many conferences under these -or similar conditions was a resolution that a deputation of ladies -appointed themselves to wait on her, one at a time, to learn what she -really meant to do. - -But it seemed that Mrs. Paston had not quite made up her mind on the -matter. The Cachar of Darjeeling is, of course, a prince--quite as much -a prince as the others one hears about--begums, sowdars, rajahs, jams, -ranees, gaekwars, khansamahs--all referred to by Mr. Kipling; and, of -course, being a prince, he was, _ex officio_, eligible to be received -even by the best people in Burford. To be sure, she had heard it said -that--that--but for that matter there was as much wickedness at home, if -people only took the trouble to look for it; and there was no need -for people with daughters to put them forward in the presence of -distinguished strangers, whether Indian princes or Austrian counts. - -That was how Mrs. Paston took the various deputations of one into her -confidence when they endeavoured to find out what she meant to do in -regard to the coming visit of the distinguished Oriental, and they -interpreted her mystic phrases as meaning that she meant to keep the -Prince to herself. Within a few days the Cachar had come to be alluded -to as "the Prince." In the English provinces practically every man of -colour is accepted as a prince--it is a courtesy title, pretty much the -same as the title of Madame which goes with a bonnet shop in the West -End. Even the dusky person who accompanies the clergyman to the platform -when a lecture is about to be given upon missionary work in the East, is -referred to as "the Prince" that being the sanctioned English equivalent -to his native title, which conveys nothing to the general public. - -Yes, it seemed pretty clear that Mrs. Paston intended to keep the -distinguished visitor to herself--that was why she made herself -ambiguous when approached on the subject of his reception. - -But there were other authorities besides Mrs. Pas-ton, and one of them -was Mrs. Maxwell. She was the wife of a retired Indian Civil Servant, -and the _quasi_ Reception Committee showed some eagerness to learn what -her attitude would be in regard to the coming Cachar of Darjeeling. - -But Mrs. Maxwell said that her husband thought there had as usual been -some misprint or mixing up of words in the paper, for he had never heard -of the Cachar of Darjeeling; though there was a place named Cachar, and -it was in Darjeeling, and very likely there was a prince or whatever -they chose to call him in the neighbourhood. - -This was not getting much farther on in the solution of the question -that agitated the red-tiled group of Burford Society. It was pointed out -by one sagacious lady that the fact of there being a place named Cachar -in Darjeeling did not make it impossible that there should be a title -of Cachar. They had not to go far from home for an example of this. Was -there not a Lochiel in Scotland, and yet Lochiel was a place? Was there -not a Magillicuddy in Ireland, and Magillicuddy was a mountain? It was -pretty obvious that both Mrs. Maxwell and Mrs. Paston were temporising -with the Committee; each was doing her best to put the others off the -idea of leaving cards upon the Cachar, hoping to take him under her own -wing and keep him there. - -That was the opinion of more than one of the inquirers, and a good deal -of bitterness was occasioned by the reticence of the leaders. But no one -seemed to know what was the object of the Princes visit to Burford, how -long it was going to last, or with whom he meant to stay. - - - - -II.--THE PRINCE'S PARADE - -And then suddenly a stranger of dusky complexion and wearing flowing -robes and a splendid turban set with precious stones appeared on foot in -the High Street. He seemed greatly interested in the place, for he kept -parading the leading thoroughfare and several of its byways practically -the whole of the morning, so that he could scarcely escape the notice of -all the residents who were in the town; no one failed to see him or to -learn that he had taken lunch at Messrs. Caterham's new restaurant. - -An hour later Mrs. Paston drove up to Caterham's. She inquired of one -of the young ladies if the Cachar had rooms in the adjoining hotel, -and learned that he was resting in the private room at the back of the -restaurant. - -She at once sent in her card. - -Hardly had she done so when Mrs. Lake entered and greeted her--Mrs. Lake -was another of the red-tiled residents--saying--"I hear that the Prince -is here. I suppose you have sent your card to him--I am sending mine. -It is our duty, I think, to show some civility to such a visitor. -My brother, you know, is intimately associated with India--Woods and -Forests, you know." - -She passed her card to the young lady, and smiled at Mrs. Paston in a -way that was meant to assure her that she was mistaken if she fancied -that she was to have the Prince all to herself. - -"I am sure that the Prince will be delighted to hear that your brother -is in---- What did you say he was in?" asked Mrs. Paston sweetly. - -"Woods and Forests--the most important Department in all India," said -the other. "My brother would never forgive me if I allowed the Prince to -come here without showing him some civility." - -They were going together to the door when they found themselves face to -face with Mrs. Markham and her daughter, both dressed as if for a garden -party, and close behind them came Major Sowerby of the Territorials and -his son, for whom he had been unsuccessfully trying to get a billet for -the previous two years. - -"Glad to see you here, Mrs. Paston," cried the Major heartily. "Yes, I -maintain that it is our duty to welcome--to stretch out a right hand -of greeting to the natives of our great Dependency--one Empire--one -Flag--hands across the sea--that's what I have always advocated. I am -wondering if he couldn't do something for my Teddy here. I believe these -rajahs and memsahibs and cachars have got no end of money--rupees--the -old Pagoda tree and that. Teddy can turn his hand to anything." - -The expression of his excellent patriotic sentiments was interrupted by -the arrival of nearly all the members of the Committee of inquiry, and a -card-case was in the hand of every one of them, and other ladies of the -élite were hurrying down the street, plainly making the restaurant their -objective. Within a quarter of an hour a whole salver of cards had been -taken charge of by the young lady, some of them bearing a few pencilled -words: "Hoping to be honoured by a visit," "At home every day this week -at 4," "Trusting to obtain permission to receive H.H. the Cachar," and -the like. Mrs. Lake had written on hers, "Sister of Mr. George Barnes, -Woods and Forests Dept.," and Major Sowerby had put in parenthesis under -his son's name, "Ellison prizeman at Routilla College, Eastbourne." - -The next day the Prince appeared once again promenading the High Street. -He was a man of fine presence, of a rich ruddy brown complexion and a -black beard and moustache, and his turban was a sight! It contained a -central diamond little inferior in size to the Koh-i-noor, and on -each side of it was a pigeon's egg ruby--a lady who saw it called it a -pigeon's blood ruby lest there should be any mistake: a casual glance of -some one who did not know all about these great jewels might convey the -impression that it was only a bantam's blood ruby, which was quite an -inferior stone. He had an air of distinction which caused him to be -greatly admired, and yet he was so devoid of any foolish pride that he -did not hesitate to chat quite pleasantly to one of the young ladies -in Caterham's. (Mrs! Paston, hearing this, expressed the hope that the -young lady would be very careful. But Major Sowerby, when it reached -his ears, said he hoped the Prince would be careful. Mrs. Markham said -nothing, but glanced hopefully at her daughter.) - -[Illustration: 0175] - -All the ladies remained under their rosy tiles that afternoon, and all -the maids were supplied with the whitest of caps and aprons. Tea was -delayed in every house for three-quarters of an hour: there was -no knowing what might happen. But nothing happened. The Cachar of -Darjeeling was clearly feeling the embarrassment of having to respond -to a welcome offered in such plurality; though Mrs. Paston thought that -surely one of the young ladies in Caterham's would have told him to whom -he should give precedence in making his calls. Every other lady was of -the same opinion. - -Mrs. Paston thought it but right that she should give the Prince some -encouragement, so she wrote a little note to him inviting his confidence -as to his plans, and hoping that he might be able to lunch with her -the next day, when she would have great pleasure in driving him to Lady -Collingby's annual Flower Show. Four other ladies addressed notes to him -expressing precisely the same sentiments, and all set out to deliver -them at Caterham's with their own hands, to save the delay of a post. - -They entered Caterham's almost simultaneously, without noticing that -the hoarding which had been built about the next door premises while a -plate-glass front of noble design was being set in its place had -been removed. And when they inquired for the Cachar, the young lady -said--"He is in the new shop--you go through the arch on the left." - -There was a Norman arch of lath and plaster enriched by insets of -highly decorated Lincrusta--the paper-hangmen had just left it--in the -partition wall; through it the ladies went and found themselves in a -spacious shop with a profusion of cheap specimens of Oriental china on -lacquer brackets about the walls, and an all-pervading smell of freshly -roasted coffee. It was clearly the newly acquired premises of the -enterprising Messrs. Caterham, which they meant to run as a shop for -the sale of Indian tea and West Indian coffee--the "Old Flag" was their -trade-mark--and a brisk sale of half-pound and quarter-pound packets was -going on at the counter. - -So much the ladies who had just entered could see; but a moment after -they had taken their first illuminating glance round the place they -stood with their eyes fixed upon one of the most prominent objects of -the place--the bustling figure of the Cachar of Darjeeling in native -dress, turban and jewels and all, tying up parcels of tea behind the -counter, and testing the coins which the crowd of customers tendered in -payment before pulling the bell-ringing drawer of the cash register! - -The enterprise of Messrs. Caterham had suggested to them the advertising -attraction in the form of a full-robed Oriental at the head of their new -tea department. They had promoted one of their old hands--he came from -the East End of London--to the post, and having "made up" under the -guidance of one of Messrs. Nathan's most highly qualified assistants, -Messrs. Caterham were perhaps not going too far when they asserted -in their advertisements that the tea trade of Burford would assume an -entirely new complexion. - -The ladies gazed in horrible fascination upon the impostor--at the -moment they were unable to differentiate between an advertisement and -an impostor--for nearly a whole minute, and then they turned and walked -slowly away without exchanging a word. - -Mrs. Paston left Burford the next day, having been ordered by her -medical adviser to Buxton. But Major Sowerby picked out his most -serviceable Malacca cane, and was heard to declare, while trying its -balance in downward strokes from left to right, that he had only to come -across that scoundrel who called himself by the honourable title of -a loyal Indian potentate in order to teach him a lesson that he would -remember so long as he had breath in his body. - -The general impression that prevailed throughout Burford, however, so -soon as the story of the exclusive ladies and their Indian prince was in -full circulation--and it did not take long to pass round the town--was -that the incident should teach a lesson to a good many people who take -it upon them to lead the red-tiled society of the new town. - -But whether they learn any lesson or not, there seems to be a consensus -of opinion that the sooner the name of the High Street is changed to -Prince's Parade the better it will be for the town, Messrs. Caterham, -and, incidentally, Mr. Isaac Moss, professionally known as the Cachar of -Darjeeling. (As a matter of fact, there are already several people not -belonging to the governing classes who, ever since the episode just -recorded, have invariably alluded to the lower part of the High -Street--that part which has been annexed by Messrs. Caterham--as the -Prince's Parade.) - - - - - -CHAPTER TEN--LESSER ENGLISH COUNTRY TOWNS - - - - -I.--STARKIE AND THE STATES - -I REMEMBER WITH WHAT ADROITNESS several years ago a distinguished -dramatist explained to a pressing interviewer what was his intention in -writing a certain play of his which was being widely discussed in many -directions. It was merely to show how dangerous it was for any man to -wander off the beaten track, he said: "A man must keep in line with his -fellow-men if he hopes to avoid disaster"--and so forth. The explanation -was no doubt accounted quite satisfactory by such persons as had been -perturbed on the matter to which it referred. - -It certainly would have been accepted with every token of assent by the -majority of the inhabitants of the lesser English country towns. They -regard as highly dangerous to the community the least departure from the -primrose path of the commonplace. They have a hymn which goes-- - - "We are travelling home to God - - In the way our fathers trod, - - They are happy now, and we - - Soon their happiness shall see." - - -[Illustration: 0185] - -The stanza embodies their highest aspirations; and really, when one -comes to consider the whole matter, one could hardly formulate a more -satisfactory walk of life; only it is a walk, not a race, and some -people (outside a country town) look to go through life at a faster -pace. "In the way our fathers trod"--that is the sound motto of the -country town, and the man who tries to get out of the old ruts is looked -upon with suspicion by the sensible people to whom he may allude as old -rutters or even old rotters. - -A middle-aged inhabitant of a town nearly twice as large as our -Mallingham was greatly impressed with this truth by an incident which -had just come under his notice when I had occasion to call upon him some -time ago. He told me that he had been visited by a former townsman of -his, but one whom he had not seen for more than fifteen years. - -"No, you wouldn't remember Joseph Starkie, old Sol Starkie's son," he -said to me in the course of his narrative. "It was before you came to -county. Queer restless chap was Joe always." - -"Is he any relation to the Starkie who invented the magnetic lathe that -is used everywhere in the States?" I inquired. - -"I shouldn't wonder," he replied, as if making a sad admission. "Yes, I -believe he said something about it when he was with me. He was just that -sort of chap--so restless and dissatisfied always--wanting to do things -differently from how they had always been done. His father was a most -respectable man, however, in the hardware line, and Joe was too much for -him: he packed him off to an uncle in the States, and there he has been -ever since, he told me. "Sad--very sad! His father had quite a nice -little business here, and if Joe had only settled down reasonably he -might have succeeded to it and done well." - -"It strikes me that he has done pretty well elsewhere," said I. "His -name is well known in every machine shop in the States." - -"Is that so? Well, maybe so; but that's not like having a comfortable -place at home. Why, he might even have had a seat at the Town Council or -the Water Board in time. When he came in here to-day I knew him at once; -but I wasn't too eager with him until I saw from his way that he hadn't -come to borrow money, as I feared at first. He wanted to inquire about -some of his old associates, and he knew that I could tell him. 'Where's -Johnnie Vance?' he asked. 'I looked in at his old office just now and -no one seemed disposed to tell me.' I shook my head and pointed up the -road. He saw what I meant. 'Jail?' he whispered. 'Jail? What was the -trouble?' 'Embezzlement,' I told him. 'Well, well, who would have -thought it?' he said. 'And maybe you can tell me if Willie Rossiter is -still in his old crib,' he asked. I shook my head. 'Don't tell me that -he's in jail too,' he cried. 'No, no--at least, not exactly. I want to -be fair to every one. It's not jail, only the asylum.' 'What!' he said. -'Willie Rossiter--the asylum? How did it come about--an accident?' It -went against my grain to tell him that it was drink, but he pressed me -and I had to do it; and then he went on to talk about the old town for -some time, but I could see that he had another friend to ask about. He -pretended to be at the point of going and then suddenly to remember that -there was somebody else. Jimmy Gray--it was Jimmy Gray. 'By the bye,' -he said, 'I wonder if old Jimmy Gray is still knocking about.' I smiled. -'No, he's not doing much knocking about just now,' I told him. 'Not -dead?' he asked. 'Oh no,' said I; 'only he has just taken rooms in the -Bridgend Hotel.' 'What! the workhouse?' he cried. 'The workhouse -indeed,' said I. 'And nobody would have known anything about it if he -hadn't made a fool of himself writing to the Board of Guardians -complaining that he had been kept waiting for a quarter of an hour when -he had applied for admission.' That was the last of his inquiries after -his old friends. But they had all been restless chaps like himself--not -settling down to anything properly. Still, he didn't ask me to lend him -any money, and that was something." - -I could scarcely fail to see that this exemplary citizen felt keenly the -value of the dramatist's suggestion, that it is very dangerous for a man -to fall out of line with the rest of the community. Social laws exist -for the community, not for the individual. At the same time, I was not -so firmly convinced as my friend seemed to be that Mr. Starkie's career -could be pointed to as a notable instance of the peril of marching out -of the way our fathers trod. He had declined to yield to the influences -of the magnet that "hung in the hardware shop" of his father, and had so -forsaken the two hundred a year and the obscurity of his native town -for the million dollars which he had earned by his inventions in -Pennsylvania, to say nothing of the fame which accrues to an inventor -who knows how to put his inventions on the market; so that there might -really be some people ready to assert that Joe Starkie's restlessness -suggested that a divergence from the scheme of the Red-man on the -warpath, who is careful to step into the footprints of the man who -goes before him, may now and again be advisable. I did not say so to -my exemplary citizen, however; for the fame of Joe Starkie had not yet -reached the place of his nativity, and the exemplary citizen might have -asked me what about Joe Starkie's old friends who were now sojourning in -various public institutions, and he would not have been satisfied -with my replying to the effect that they had stayed at home, and were -suffering for it. - - - - -II.--OUR FATHERS' FOOTSTEPS - -In the way our fathers trod"--that seems to be the proud boast of the -English country towns, and I am not sure that it is not a worthy -one, though its application to certain cases is certainly humorous. -I remember revisiting a town where I had once lived, and getting into -conversation with an elderly and well-to-do inhabitant. I mentioned -having met in London a surgeon who had been born in and lived in the -town. He certainly enjoyed the largest practice in London, and, in -addition to the K.C.B., bore as many continental orders as permitted of -his wearing (which he did) a very dingy dress-coat without its dinginess -being perceptible. His reputation had, however, eluded the cognizance of -his native town. - -"What a fool he was to go off to London, when he might have done so well -here," was the comment of the elderly citizen upon my proud boast that I -had met Sir William in London. "If he had only held on here he might by -this time have got the best dispensary in the town." - -I did not doubt it. - -He took the same view in regard to the career of another eminent -townsman, who, I mentioned, had just been made an F.R.S. - -"If he had been wise and carried on his father's business here he might -have been a J.P. by now," was his solemn comment. - -I thought it better to refrain from any further remarks, lest I should -be made to feel more acutely than I did all that I had forfeited by my -premature departure from a town that offered such prizes for obscurity. - -There are still a large number of country towns in England where the -feeling still remains that any departure from their precincts is, if not -absolutely fatal, at any rate risky. I have met people in more than one -town who looked on a man's going to America as equivalent to absconding. -I suppose most of these places have some foundation of their own for -the tradition. It is quite plausible that, seventy or eighty or even -a hundred years ago, some wild young men may have found a voyage to -America to offer them a satisfactory alternative to an appearance behind -the spikes of the dock of the County Court-House, and America got a bad -name in consequence, being looked on as a continent peopled by men who -had gone wrong at home. However this may be, I must confess that I was -startled, when I first came to Thurswell and mentioned that I heard that -a young man who had played a good deal of lawn-tennis during the summer -was going to the States, by the inquiry-- - -"Why, what has he been doing anyway?" - -It did not come from one of the rustic population, but from a tradesman -in quite a good way of business--a considerable proportion of it in -canned provisions into the bargain. - -I believe that when Dr. Watson, the author of _Beside the Bonnie Brier -Bush_, went on his first lecturing tour to America, the financial -results of which were so satisfactory, an impression prevailed in -certain directions that the act was unworthy of a clergyman of the -Presbyterian Church, and he was made the object of a severe attack in -some quarters. - -One can easily appreciate the attitude of people who have lived all -their lives in an English country town in regard to the restless members -of a family. One has only to walk through a churchyard and read the -names on the tombs to understand how deeply rooted in the soil are the -people. So far as Thurs-well and Mallingham are concerned, a stroll -through one of the churchyards is almost equivalent to studying a -directory. The same names as are cut upon the tombs--some of them going -back a hundred and fifty years--are to be seen over the shop windows -to-day and on the dairy carts and the farm carts. In some cases the -name of a yeoman ancestor reappears in a Grand Jury list, indicating a -material advance in the social scale. The migration that has been -going on in our county for the past two hundred years seems to be -interparochial. Individuals moved from village to village and from -village to town. It is only within the past twenty-five or thirty years -that the ablest and the best have occasionally braved public opinion and -set sail for a colony. - -Even families that have "got on" seem to love to cling to the county -which saw the very small beginnings of their ancestors. Why should they -not? Love of one's county is only a subdivision of the grand virtue of -love of one's country. It was only when a certain aged doctor, who had -the family history of our neighbourhood at his fingers' ends for over -sixty years, published a volume of interesting reminiscences, in the -course of which he took occasion to refer to the very humble beginnings -of some families that considered themselves very "swagger," that -we learned how tenaciously they had clung to their county. Even the -slow-moving Mallingham is not without its romances of "getting on." One -of the most intrepid motorists in the borough is remembered by several -middle-aged burgesses as the wearer of the green baize apron and -the wielder of the broom of the caretaker and window-cleaner of a -solicitor's office; and from what I know of him I am inclined to believe -that that was the best kept office in the town when he had charge of it. - - - - -CHAPTER ELEVEN--THE CATHEDRAL TOWN - - - - -I.--IN THE SHADOW OF THE MINSTER - -BROADMINSTER IS ONE OF THE LESSER cathedral towns of England. There is -nothing remarkable about the Minster except its antiquity. It does not -convey the idea of vastness as do some of these venerable buildings. -One would never imagine oneself in the midst of a petrified forest -on passing through the porch. The carving about the pillars does not -suggest lacework in stone, though it is admirable in its way, and -the screen shows signs of having been "restored" in the days when -restoration meant spoliation. The coloured glass of the windows is not -especially good, but the oldest is undoubtedly the best. The modern -memorial windows were apparently estimated for and the specification of -the lowest-priced competitor accepted; but, really, the Chapter should -have prevented the perpetration of such a blunder as that of the artist -who, in his representation of the entrance to the sacred tomb, with the -sleeping Roman guards on each side, put a crescent moon in the very blue -sky! But for that matter, when I pointed out the mistake to one of the -higher canons, he did not perceive for some time that the Paschal moon -was bound to be within a few days of the full. - -The old Minster is, however, worthy of every respect, if it does not -quite inspire such feelings of reverence and awe as does Westminster -Abbey or Canterbury or Durham or Santa Croce at Florence. One feels that -it is the sort of building one can trust. It is solid throughout, -and that is something. I remember years ago, when I was lecturing a -long-suffering group on the marvels of Milan, calling attention to the -wonderful scheme of lighting by which the High Altar was made the centre -of illumination, I observed some shadows of the stone spandrels on the -roof for which I could not account. There the light spines and ridges -flowed upward to meet at the apex, and there the shadows slept, -increasing the effect amazingly. Only after some patient investigation -did I find that the groins were painted on the woodwork to imitate the -stone where the stonework ended! - -If there is nothing to wonder at in the interior of Broadminster, there -is at least something to trust. It is sound throughout. - -But why, oh! why, should that old woman be allowed to stand just outside -the porch with a basket of nuts on her arm, offering them for sale to -all visitors? - -A stranger within our gates was puzzled by this apparition at the door -of the church. He had just come from London, and he had been taken to -the Zoo. He looked for some reason for the nuts at Broadminster--reason -and consistency. If nuts, why not buns, he wished me to explain to him. - -I felt incapable of clearing away this mystery. I could not tell him, -under the shadow of the sacred building, the legend that I invented to -account for the nuts, but I told him in full when we got away from that -influence of veracity: it had to do with a crusader who, forsaken by his -comrades in the Lebanon, was forced to sustain himself with nuts, -and vowed that if ever he should get back to England he would endow -a Minster and decree that nuts should be offered at the porch between -prime and angelus every day for a thousand years. He kept his vow, -hence---- - -That was eight hundred and eighty-two years ago, so that only one -hundred and twenty of the vow had yet to run, and then---- - -He was barely satisfied with this explanation. I could scarcely blame -him: it did not satisfy myself. - -There are some people who think that the best part of St. Ursula--the -Minster is dedicated to St. Ursula--is the Close. The Deanery, and the -residences of the canons, major and minor, and all the officials of the -Cathedral, lay as well as clerical, stand on two sides of a square, with -the old building in the centre. Green meadows with a glimpse of green -hills beyond are on the other sides of the square, and just behind the -houses of the Close flows the Avonbeck, a narrow winding river in which -trout may be caught by the dozen by the least skilful fisherman. - -The beautiful gardens of the Close slope down to the banks of the river. - -I was told a pathetic story by the wife of one of the dignitaries -respecting a young man who had never any especial leaning for the Church -as a career, but who made up his mind, when he saw this Close and walked -through the gardens and fished in the Avonbeck, that the Church was the -only possible profession for him. He went through the usual course, was -ordained, and appointed to a parish in a slum in the Midlands, where he -has remained ever since--and that was twenty-five years ago. - -Equally pathetic, however, to some people may be the case of the -clergyman who practically started life as one of the lesser dignitaries -of the Cathedral and has remained there ever since--and that was -thirty-five years ago. It was said that he was once a good preacher, and -even now he seldom falls more than a couple of tones in going from -the Responses to the Prayers. He began with high ideas regarding Greek -texts, but now he devotes himself to Canadian trout. He has great hopes, -he told me, for the future of Canadian trout. - - - - -II.--THE NEW PALACE - -The Palace of the Bishop of Broadminster is not, of course, among the -buildings of the Close. It stands in its own grounds about two miles -away, and it bears tokens of having been built within the last quarter -of a century. It did not start life as a palace, but as the country -house of a business man in a bustling town. The story of how it became -the Palace is a curious one. - -The original Palace was a big square barrack of a place, costing a great -deal to keep up and giving no adequate return for its upkeep. It was a -survival of the days when a bishop was expected to maintain a retinue of -servants and never to go out for a quiet drive unless four horses were -harnessed to the coach. The stables were built to accommodate twenty-two -horses: it seemed to be understood that no self-respecting bishop could -do with less, so long-lived are the Church traditions of the Middle -Ages; and the servant retinue was expected to be maintained in the same -proportion. The consequence was that the revenues of the diocese were -quite insufficient to do more than keep up the place; they left nothing -over for the poor Bishop himself, who could do very well with a 15 h.p. -motor and a garage 25' x 15', a single chauffeur, and a gardener, instead -of six horses, a coachman, an under-coachman, four grooms, and nine -gardeners. - -Every now and again the question of the requirements of the Palace as -opposed to the requirements of the Bishop was cropping up, and -certain newspapers published letters from ignorant and irresponsible -correspondents in which the phrases "bloated revenues," "princely -prelates," "modern Wolseys," and the like recurred, particular emphasis -being laid upon the fact that his lordship kept no fewer than -eleven gardeners--a very moderate exaggeration--for his own personal -gratification as a horticulturist. And all this was very harassing for -the poor Bishop. - -Now in the years when the upkeep of both the Bishop and the Palace was -becoming a serious problem, there was living in a bustling manufacturing -town a hundred miles from Broadminster a quiet little business man named -Robinson. He had begun life in a rather small way; but before he was -forty, having no expensive tastes and being engaged in a lucrative -business, he had made a fortune--not, of course, such a fortune as may -be made in the United States in these days, but still a fortune for an -English provincial town. It so happened that he lodged with two maiden -sisters slightly older than himself, and when he was about fifty he -asked the elder to marry him. She agreed, and married they were. - -After living a year or two in the house in which he had lodged they -started a one-horse brougham, and a little later Mrs. Robinson had a -fancy to live in the country; and as her husband invariably thought as -she did on every subject, he at once set about building a house that -would always be worth (his architect assured him) the money he spent -upon it. Mrs. Robinson being a pious woman and liking the Cathedral -service, the site of the house should be, they determined, within easy -reach of Broadminster. - -It was an admirable house when it was finished, and the three-acre -garden could easily be managed by one man and a boy. This was in the -days when a financial episode, known as the brewery boom, was beginning -to be felt throughout the country, and it was known that Mr. Robinson -had made as much in a week out of brewery shares as paid for the -house he had built and the gardens that had been laid out for him by -a competent landscape architect. And on the first morning that he -breakfasted in their new home he presented his wife with the title-deeds -of the whole, and made over the furniture to her as well. - -For five years they lived there in great happiness, and it was known -that they were devoted to each other; but before they entered on their -sixth year Mrs. Robinson died, and her husband found that she had made -a will leaving the house and grounds and furniture to the Church -authorities--whoever they were--for the use of the existing Bishop of -Broadminster and his successors for ever. - -It appeared that Mrs. Robinson had become aware of the Palace -difficulty, and made up her mind that she should do her best to solve -the question of providing a reasonable residence for the Bishop in place -of that insatiable monstrous barrack which he had been compelled to -occupy, and upon which he was forced to spend every penny of his income. - -Although the will rather startled Mr. Robinson--for his wife had not -confided in him that it was her intention to provide for the Bishop -and his successors--he had no fault to find with it. He confessed to -a friend that his dear wife had solved a question that might have -perplexed himself; for he had no relative to whom he might reasonably be -expected to leave the place. - -But before many days had passed he received a message from the -ecclesiastical solicitors begging him to have the goodness to let them -know at his convenience when it would suit him to give their clients -possession of the house: and then he was really startled. A visit to his -own solicitor made him aware of the fact that no provision had been made -in his wife's will for allowing him to continue residing in the house or -using the furniture therein--that he was, in fact, a trespasser in the -house that he had built for himself! - -A little thought, however, convinced him that as soon as the facts -of the case became known to the Church authorities there would be no -trouble in obtaining their consent to his remaining on in the house; but -it soon appeared that he had been rather too sanguine on this point. -It was explained to him that the authorities were unfortunately left -without any option in the matter, and possession of the place must be -given to them within three months, rent for this period to be paid by -him at a rate that might be agreed between his solicitor and themselves. -They were ecclesiastically courteous, but legally firm, and so Mr. -Robinson had to leave the house on which he had spent many hours -of loving and intelligent thought the gardens to which he had given -particular attention while they were being laid out, and the furniture -which he had selected piece by piece from the best makers. - -He was allowed to take away his own clothes, however, and he began to -feel that this was a concession. - -He went to Lausanne and died there a few years later, leaving about a -hundred thousand pounds to various charities, but none of them having -any connection with Broadminster. - -Before the end of the year in which the property was acquired by the -Church it became the Palace, Broadminster: previously it had been called -Leighside Hall. - -And from that day it is understood that the Bishop has been saving money -to make up for the years which the early locust abode of his had eaten. - - - - -III.--ANTE-MORTEM GENEROSITY - -Curiously enough, there stands within view of the new Palace another -house with a history attached to it which may strike some people as -illustrating, with a humour that is still more grim, the inconvenience -resulting from ante-mortem generosity on a large scale: post-mortem -generosity may occasionally be risky, but its display on even the most -lavish scale has never been known to cause any personal inconvenience to -the one who indulges in it. - -The house is an interesting old Jacobean one, standing on the side of a -mound within a loop of the river. - -It has consequently a series of terrace gardens which are quite -delightful at all seasons. For years it was occupied by a Captain -Hesketh and his wife, the latter having inherited it with a handsome -fortune from her mother, who was the heiress of a family of considerable -importance in the county. At her husband's death Mrs. Hesketh continued -to live alone in the old house with a niece--for she had no children -of her own--and in course of time the girl fell in love with a man who -seemed in every way the right sort of person for her to marry, only for -the fact of his having a very limited income. The girl's aunt, however, -having nothing to live for except the witnessing of the happiness of the -young couple, was generous enough to make over to them all her property, -retaining only a sufficient sum to enable her to live in comfort for the -remainder of her life. - -At this time she was sixty-three years of age, and her wants were very -simple. It is said that the annuity which she purchased amounted to no -more than three hundred pounds a year. Twelve years later, however, -the lawyer whom she had entrusted to carry out this portion of the -transaction for her died, and an examination of his affairs revealed the -fact that, instead of spending the money which she had handed to him in -the purchase of an annuity guaranteed by an Insurance Company of good -reputation, he had treated it as his own, and had merely paid her a -quarterly allowance. He died a bankrupt, owing thousands of pounds -to clients whose money he had appropriated; so that at the age of -seventy-five the unfortunate lady found herself penniless. - -Her position was annoying, she told the man from whom I had the story, -but she did not feel it to be serious. Of course, she had only to -explain matters to her niece and her niece's husband and they would -take care that she should not suffer through the swindling agent. She -hastened to have an interview with them on the subject, and was actually -smiling as she told them what had happened. She was not smiling, -however, when the interview terminated; for she found herself treated -by them as a begging stranger. They gave her a sound scolding for her -unbusinesslike credulity: the idea of entrusting her money to such a man -without taking the trouble to find out how he had invested it! The thing -was absurd--grossly absurd, and they thought that she deserved to suffer -for her culpable carelessness! - -Of course, though surprised and hurt at this want of sympathy, the old -lady readily admitted that she had been very careless; but the man had -been her lawyer and her husband's lawyer for over thirty years, and she -had implicit confidence in him, she said. After all, she reminded her -relations that she was an old woman, and that in all probability she -would not be a burden to them for more than a few years. - -This plea did not seem to soften them in any way; at any rate, it did -not prevent her niece from expressing the opinion that it was most -inconsiderate on her part to expect that she and her husband should -accept the responsibility of keeping her for the rest of her life. They -had two children to educate, she explained, and it was going too far to -expect that they should be made to suffer because of her stupidity. - -The poor old lady felt herself turned out of her old house--the house in -which she might still have been living if she had not been so foolishly -generous. - -The next day, however, she received a letter from her niece's husband -informing her that, after due consideration of the matter, he and -his wife had come to the conclusion that, although she had no claim -whatsoever upon them, they might be able to allow her a pound a week for -life. He trusted that she had saved enough during the previous twelve -years to allow of her living comfortably--many women, he reminded her, -were compelled to live on much less. The final sentence in his letter -was equivalent to an exhortation to her to thank Heaven for having given -her a niece of so generous a disposition. - -The story reached the ears of a lady who had been her friend for many -years, and she insisted on her rejecting the alms of her niece, offering -her a home with herself, and expressing her happiness to receive her -under her roof. The old lady accepted her friend's invitation; but at -the same time she made application to be admitted as an inmate to a -certain almshouse which had been founded and endowed by one of her own -ancestors. This step, however, she took in secret, and at least a year -would have to elapse before she could hope for admission to the charity. - -It so happened, however, that her generous friend had a son who had -obtained some eminence at the Bar, and it seemed that the grim humour of -the whole story appealed to him very strongly. But on thinking over the -matter he perceived that this element in the story was not so finished -as he thought it should be, if properly worked out by an ironic fate. He -considered himself to be something of a critic in such matters, and it -was possibly his artistic instinct that prompted him to make a move with -a view to remedy the deficiency that he perceived in the story. He had -acquired a pretty fair knowledge of men and their characteristics, and -it occurred to him that a solicitor who gave up so much of his attention -to the movements of stocks and shares as did this dishonest one who was -the cause of the old lady's disaster, might possibly have been guilty of -some neglect in respect of the deeds of gift conveying her property -to her niece, and he turned his attention in this direction. He knew -exactly what legal machinery to put in motion for the purpose of his -inquiry, and the result he considered highly satisfactory; but it is -doubtful if the ungrateful niece of the poor lady for whom the solicitor -he had engaged was acting was of the same opinion when she received -notice that a motion was about to be made before His Majesty's judges -to set aside the deed of gift made twelve years earlier on account of a -vital flaw in the document itself. - -The ungrateful niece and her husband consulted their solicitor when they -received their shock. He laughed reassuringly at first. - -"Sounds very like a bit of bluff," said he. "What does it mean? Why -should your aunt want to get into her hands again the property that she -made over to you?" - -The man told him that the lady had been the victim of a rascally -solicitor, and so was left without a penny. - -"And now she seems to have got into the hands of another of the same -stamp, only worse," said the lawyer. "I don't think you need be uneasy. -I'll get a copy of the original deed and get counsel's opinion about it. -Trent will be the man. I'll send it to Trent. He is the leading man for -that sort of thing. If there's any flaw in it he'll be able to lay his -finger on it." - -The two clients looked at each other with something like dismay on their -faces. - -"My aunt has been living for the past three months with a Mrs. Trent, I -have heard," said the lady. - -The lawyer opened his eyes unusually wide and screwed up his mouth into -the form of a puckered O. - -"She is his mother," he said after a pause. "But why--why should -he bother about such a piece of business as this? Why should he be -interested in upsetting the deed when it was obviously the intention of -your aunt to present you with the property? You have not quarrelled with -her, have you?" - -"Oh no, there was no quarrel. She came to us with her story, of course, -and we at once offered to do something for her," replied the niece. - -"Of course. That was the sensible thing to do. But this only makes the -matter seem more mysterious. She accepted your offer, I suppose, and -why, then, she should----" - -"She didn't accept it." - -"What! Did she make a demand on you to return the whole property?" - -"Never. But she suggested that we should make good the three hundred a -year of her annuity." - -"But isn't that what you say you promised her?" - -"We told her we couldn't afford that; but we offered her fifty-two -pounds a year." - -"A pound a week--one pound a week? Oh, my dear lady! A pound a week! -Surely you are joking." - -"We thought that she must surely have saved a good deal during the -twelve years." - -"Three hundred a year, when you deduct the in-come tax, doesn't leave a -gentlewoman much margin for saving." - -The man of the law shook his head and assumed a very serious look. - -"Of course, I can't say anything at this moment as to the sort of case -they have against you; but I do not feel justified in concealing -from you my impression that if it is as we suppose, and Mr. Trent has -pronounced against the deed, the Court will take his view of it. Trent -is not the man to try on any sharp practice. And my advice to you is -to make any sacrifice to prevent the case from going before the Court. -Trent, if he is moving in the matter, must feel the ground pretty -firm under his feet. What a pity it was that you did not suggest three -hundred a year to the lady instead of--oh, that was undoubtedly -a mistake--a pound a week. Well, we can only do our best in the -circumstances. Who are the solicitors that sent you the letter?" - -The lady gave him the name of the firm, and in due course he -communicated with them. An examination of the doubtful document removed -the possibility of his retaining any doubt as to its being invalid, and -his clients were assured that they could not contend the case there was -against them. - -After this, I suppose, there was a scene that could only have justice -done to its varied features by the pen of a gifted novelist. I can see -the weeping niece on her knees in front of the old lady who had been -her benefactrix, but whom she had repaid with gross ingratitude. Her -children would possibly be kneeling by her side--they certainly would on -the lyric stage or in the last chapter of the novel. No doubt the aunt -would be greatly affected, though properly reproachful. But I doubt -if the gallery of the theatre or the readers of the novelette would be -quite satisfied with the conclusion of the story; for the generous -aunt allowed her original gift to stand, only stipulating for her three -hundred a year out of the estate. - -Whatever humour one may perceive in these stories is certainly of that -unusual type which one might expect to find associated with a cathedral -town. It is the humour of an Old Testament parable--hard, and with a -lesson attached to it. - -Not precisely of the same nature was the definition of the duties of the -verger suggested by a promising youth, whom I had instructions to lead -round the Minster by his relations: they intended him to become an -architect, and thought that he should become acquainted with the design -of all the cathedrals to begin with. At first he supposed that the -dignified gentleman wearing the black gown and carrying a mysterious -emblem of authority was an archbishop, and I fear I failed to place him -in possession of the facts respecting the duties of the verger, for -he nodded, saying--"Ah yes, I understand--a sort of dignified -chuck-er-out." - -It is not on record that there was attached to any great ecclesiastical -institution a dignitary who discharged the duties of a calcitrator. And, -so far as Broadminster is concerned, one may say that, whatever brawls -disturb the peace of other churches upon occasions, tranquillity reigns -within these grey walls and harmony among the spirits of its fortunate -aisles. - - - - -IV.--THE BLACK SHEEP - -Only the merest echo of a rumour of years ago regarding a parson who -managed to creep into the Chapter when he should have been excluded -survives to-day. And even this attenuated scandal would have faded away -long ago if some people had not kept it alive by a story which owes its -point to the use made of the shady parson's name by an old reprobate who -desired to score off a worthy clergyman. The worthy clergyman had come -to pay a serious parochial visit of remonstrance to the old reprobate, -and had made up his mind, in antique slang, to "let him have it hot." He -had tried the velvet glove of the kindly counsellor several times with -the same man, and now he determined to see what the mailed fist would -do. Chronic intoxication was the old reprobate's besetting sin, and that -was--with more frequent intervals of repentance--the particular failing -of that parson who had been a thorn in the flesh to the Cathedral -Chapter. It was, however, the vice of which the visiting clergyman was -most intolerant; so he launched out in fitting terms against the old -reprobate, demonstrating to him how disgraceful, how senseless a thing -it was to be a sot. - -[Illustration: 0211] - -The man listened to him until the first pause came, and then he sighed, -saying--"Truer words were never spoken, sir, and no one knows that -better than yourself, Mr. Weston." - -Now Weston was the name of the frail parson, who had been dead for -several years, and to hear himself so addressed was very nettling to the -teetotal clergyman. - -"My name is not Weston," he said sharply. "You know that I am Mr. -Walters." - -"I ask your pardon, sir," said the man. "But I hold with all you say, -and no one has ever said the same better than yourself, Mr. Weston." - -"Don't call me Weston," cried the clergyman. "The fact that you are -muddled on a simple matter like this shows clearly to what condition you -have sunk." - -"I don't doubt it, sir," acquiesced the man sadly. "It's not a condition -for any human to be, though mayhap it's worse when it overtakes a -passon, as I'm sure you'll hold with me, Mr. Weston." - -"I was informed that you had been sober for some days," said the -clergyman. "But I now begin to fear that you are far from being anything -like sober. Have you had anything to drink to-day?" - -"Not a drop--not a drop, I'm sorry to confess to you, Mr. Weston." - -The good parson sprang to his feet. - -"You are a wretched man!" he cried. "You are clearly so bemuddled with -that poison that you are incapable of recognising who is speaking to -you." - -"Nay, nay, sir; I'm not so far gone as that. I'm never so far gone -but that I can know when a passon's a-speaking to me, Mr. Weston. I -s'pose 'tis summit in their manner o' speech, Mr. Weston." - -The tortured clergyman caught up his hat and rushed from the cottage. - -Few people would have given the old reprobate credit for striking upon -so subtle a scheme of retaliation upon the clergyman who was a model -of rectitude, had not the clergyman himself been indiscreet enough to -complain, as he did with great bitterness, that the horrid old man was -so fuddled with drink as to be incapable of differentiating between a -cleric who had never been in the shadow of a cloud and one who had never -been otherwise than shady, and who, moreover, had been among the shades -for several years. - -There were, however, some people who had had experience of the readiness -of resources of the old reprobate, and who knew how he had aimed at -getting even with his upright visitor. And so the story spread, and -was the means of keeping green, if one may be allowed the metaphor, the -unsavoury memory of the thorn in the flesh of the Chapter. - -But if the wicked old man only simulated for his own base purposes a -mistake as to the identity of Mr. Walters, there was certainly no such -evil intention on the part of a young woman who, when on a visit to a -relation living in Broadminster, was invited to a dinner party and was -taken in by a fine-looking man of military appearance whose name was -pronounced by their hostess as Colonel Trelawney. The lady rather prided -herself on being equal to converse with men of any profession, and she -at once started with her partner at the table on a military topic, and -continued to ply him with questions of a more or less technical sort, -on most of which he professed an ignorance surprising in one who had -attained to the rank of a commanding officer. She almost became cross -with the completeness of her failure to draw him out; but just as the -cheese straws were going round she asked him in desperation if there was -any branch of the Service in which he was interested. - -"Well," he said, "of course I am interested in every part of it, but -just now I have been studying all the authorities on the order of the -Creeds, and I must confess that I find them enthralling." - -She was puzzled. - -"Are you in the Sappers?" she asked after a long pause. She had heard -that some of the Sappers had peculiarities. - -"The Sappers?" he repeated. "The Sappers? I'm afraid I don't quite -understand your question. How could I----" - -"Are you not Colonel Trelawney?" she cried. - -"I am Canon Trelawney," he replied. "What! Is it possible that you -fancied--oh, it must be so. That is why you have been talking on -military topics all this time. Colonel! Oh, this is really amusing! -Colonel!" - -"I thought that our hostess had said 'Colonel,'" she murmured. "You must -have fancied that I was mad." - -"It was largely my own fault," said he. "I am a little old-fashioned, -and I have never taken kindly to the modern innovation in evening dress -adopted by my brethren. My father was a parson and he habitually wore -ordinary evening dress, and I followed him in this particular. I think I -shall have to get a dog collar and satin stock after all." - -The lady did not care whether he did or not. She felt she had wasted an -evening. - - - - -CHAPTER TWELVE--A CLOSE CORPORATION - - - - -I.--TROLLOPE'S MRS. PROUDIE - -NO ONE WHO HAS LIVED FOR ANY length of time in a cathedral town can -fail to appreciate the perfection of Anthony Trollope's Barchester -series of novels. In my opinion no more artistic achievement than the -creation of Barchester and its people exists on the same scale in the -English language. I do not think that there is a false note in any -scene--a crude tone in any character. Certainly no writer ever dealt -with the members of any profession with such completeness and without -ceasing to interest a reader from page to page, from chapter to chapter, -from volume to volume. Fancy any writer venturing upon five long novels -with all the chief characters solicitors or solicitors' wives and -daughters! Fancy a dozen medical men stethoscoping their way through -a thousand closely printed pages! We know what military novels we have -been treated to from time to time--stuff to send guffaws round every -mess-room--as crude as the red of the tunics that gave the marksmen of -other armies every chance in the old days. - -The personages in _Barchester Towers, The Warden, and The Last Chronicle -of Barset_ are such finished pieces of characterisation that they strike -one as being photographs from life. One feels that the author must have -had intimate acquaintance with the originals of his portraits, as well -as with their entourage, before he could produce such transcripts from -nature. - -I suppose there was a good deal of speculation when the Barchester -novels were appearing as to the identity of the various cathedral -dignitaries. It seems to me that such a "placing" of the people was -inevitable. But an example was given me of the artistic way in which -Trollope went to work in the case of one of his best remembered -characters that let me see what a master of his art he was. I was some -years under twenty when _The Last Chronicle_ fell into my hands: it -was the first novel of Trollope's that I read, so that was the first -acquaintance I had with Mrs. Proudie. Before I had got through many -chapters I knew that I was listening to the voice of the wife of an -Irish Prelate--a lady whose character and temperament had been a twenty -years' tradition in the household of which I was a member, and whose -reputation had followed her from one city to another. The more I read of -the book the more impressed I was that this lady had been the model for -Mrs. Proudie in spite of the fact that the two had practically nothing -in common--nothing except the essentials that go to make up a character. - -Mrs. Proudie was a plain, rather stout little woman, but my Mrs. -Proudie was a tall, slight, and undoubtedly beautiful woman, even when -middle-aged--the most perfect type of the traditional aristocrat. It -would have been impossible for her to do any of the pettifogging of -Trollope's vulgar person, in the way that Mrs. Proudie did it, but -it was quite clearly understood--by no one better than the Bishop -himself--that she was the ruler of the diocese. She was the mother of a -family every member of which was remarkably good-looking; but Trollope -laid emphasis upon the commonplace daughters of the Proudies. - -Only an artist of the highest rank could create a character such as Mrs. -Proudie from the suggestions he had derived from the rumours respecting -our Bishop's wife, and only an artist of the highest rank could create a -personage which compelled all readers who knew the original to recognise -the source of his inspiration and feel certain of its identity in spite -of the absence of all outward marks of identification. - -For several years after reading the Barchester series I was accustomed -to hear people in the neighbourhood in which I lived refer to the -Bishop's wife as Mrs. Proudie--several clergymen certainly did so; but -quite fifteen years had passed before I heard that, previous to his -writing _Barchester Towers_, the author had been stationed in the same -neighbourhood as an Inspector in the Post Office Department. - -"In those days," said my informant, who had served under Trollope, "the -Bishop's wife was at the height of her fame. Every one was talking about -her and the way she kept the poor Bishop under her thumb. We expected -that Mr. Trollope would make something out of her." - -When I asked him how he could reconcile the difference between Mrs. -Proudie and the other lady--how he could reconcile Mrs. Proudie's death -in _The Last Chronicle_ with the other's still active life, he told me -that he had never read any of Trollope's books: the only writings of -Trollope that had come under his cognizance were the official reports -which he made to the head of the Department! - -Beautiful to the last, and ruling to the last, _our_ Mrs. Proudie -survived the published record of the other Mrs. Proudie by nearly thirty -years. I write this chapter sitting on a sofa which I bought out of the -Palace. The fact that the receipt of my cheque was signed by the Bishop -and not by the lady, suggests that in financial matters his lordship was -permitted to discharge the humblest of clerical duties. - -In Broadminster there has never been a rumour of a Mrs. Proudie; but -occasionally there comes a discordant note from the belfry of the -Cathedral. Only a quick ear can detect it, but having detected it, one -is conscious of an impression of uneasiness, and asks oneself or anybody -else if it is possible that all is not well in the Close. - -What sounds like the merest tinkle of discord outside Broadminster -reverberates throughout the Close, causing uneasiness and even -perturbation at times. - -During the past three years there have been two threatenings of huge -upheavals in Minster circles. The rumblings of an earthquake were heard -by some people of acute hearing, and the local seismometer--her name -is Lady Birnam--foretold a cataclysm. But happily the centre of the -disturbance passed away in another direction, and the foundations of the -Cathedral remained intact. - - - - -II.--THE INNOVATORS - -The volcanic force which caused all the alarm was a young clergyman -who, by reason of his personal merits and his relationship to the Dean, -became the most minor of all the canons, and probably the most pleasing. -But before he had been a year in attendance it was rumoured that he had -views, and no clergyman with views had ever been associated with the -services at the Minster. There have been clergymen who took a lively -interest in landscape photography--even colour photography--and others -who had rubbed with their own hands some of the finest monumental -brasses in the country. A prebendary went so far in horticulture as to -stand godfather to a new rose (h.p.), and a precentor who devised -an automatic reel--a fishing-rod reel, not the terpsichorean--but -no dignitary had previously been known to develop views on the lines -adopted by this Canon Mowbray, for his views had an intimate connection -with the Church Service. - -He had been heard to express the opinion that it was little short of -scandalous that people should enter the Cathedral and find themselves -surrounded by beauties of architecture and facing combinations of colour -in glass that were extremely lovely--that they should be able to hear -music of the most elevating type efficiently rendered by an organist -of ability and a well-trained choir, but the moment a member of the -Chapter--one of the dignitaries of the Church--began to discharge his -duties, either in his stall, at the electern, or in the pulpit, the -congregation were subjected to an infliction of mediocrity sometimes -verging on imbecility. It was little short of scandalous, he said, that -the most highly paid functionaries--men whose education had cost a great -deal of money--should show themselves so imperfectly equipped to -discharge their simplest duties in an intelligent manner. Few of them -could even intone correctly, and he had a suspicion that intoning was -invented to conceal their deficiency in reading the prayers. When they -stood at the lectern and read in that artificial voice that they assumed -for the Lessons for the day, treating the most splendidly dramatic -episodes with a tameness that suggested rather more than indifference, -they proved their inefficiency as plainly as when they stood at the -altar-rails and repeated the Commandments in that apologetic tone they -put on, as if they hoped the people present would understand quite -clearly that they, the readers, were not responsible for the bad taste -of the compiler of the Decalogue in referring to offences of which no -well-bred lady or gentleman would be guilty. - -And then he went on to refer to the preaching.... - -Now Canon Mowbray did not give expression to his views all at once. He -was forced to do so by the action of the Dean and Chapter after he had -startled them all, and the congregation as well, by his dramatic reading -of the First Lesson, which was of the discomfiture of the Priests -of Baal by the prophet Elijah--a subject treated very finely by -Mendelssohn. - -The truth was that Canon Mowbray had paid a visit to London every week -in order to get a lesson in elocution from a well-known ex-actor, and at -the end of six months had mastered, at any rate, the fundamentals of the -art. His performance, regarded by itself, would have been thought quite -creditable; but, judged by comparison with the usual reading of the -Lessons in the Minster, it was startling--thrilling. Long before he had -got to the ironic outburst of the prophet, "Cry aloud, for he is a god," -he had got such a hold upon his hearers that when he made a little pause -the silence was striking. At the close also, when he had shut the -Book and stood for a few moments before saying, "Here endeth the First -Lesson," the silence was the ecclesiastical equivalent to the plaudits -of the playhouse at the effective close of an act: he might have said, -"Here endeth the First Act." - -It seemed as if there was not a sirloin in Broad-minster over which -the performance was not discussed. Sides were taken in almost every -household of faith, some people condemning the innovation, others being -enthusiastic in its favour. The one said it was too theatrical--it was -not for clergymen to put themselves into a part, as if they were actors; -the other affirmed that the Bible should be read by a clergyman as if he -believed what he was reading, not in that _voix blanche,_ as the French -call the insincere monotone which for some reason, hard to discover, has -been almost universally adopted as the voice of the Church. - -As a natural consequence of the discussion the attendance at the -afternoon service was immense, for it was understood that Canon Mowbray -was to read one of the Lessons. Men who had become quite lax in their -churchgoing looked up their silk hats, and even chapelgoers, having -heard of the morning performance, hastened to the Minster just to see -how theatrical it was. The organist wished he had chosen a more showy -anthem than "In Judah is God known." This was quite too commonplace for -such an occasion, he thought: it would allow of the clergy's competing -with the choir for popularity, the idea of which was, of course, absurd. - -The offertory was nearly double that of any afternoon of the year. - -There could be no doubt that the "draw" was Canon Mowbray. He filled the -stage, so to speak; when he went to the lectern the effect was the same -as is produced on a full house by the entrance of the "star," and once -again the silence was felt to be a subtle form of applause. - -Canon Mowbray had no chance of electrifying his hearers, for they were -expectant; he managed, however, to get far more out of an unemotional -chapter than had ever been got out of it before, so that it was made -perfectly clear to every one that he meant to pursue the line he had -struck out for himself, and for the next few days there was no real -topic in Broad-minster but the innovation of Canon Mowbray. - -It was not surprising that the Close should be greatly perturbed by the -innovation. The Chapter was against it to a man. They had got into a -groove so far as the church services were concerned, and they had been -running very easily in it for many years. Where was the need to make any -change? they asked. But even if some change was needed, why should it be -such a one as that of which Canon Mowbray had made himself the exponent? -There were the weaker brethren to consider: in every clerical discussion -the question of considering the weaker brethren plays a prominent -part. The weaker brethren objected very strongly to the introduction -of elocution in any florid form at the lectern or in front of the -altar-rails, and beyond a doubt the playhouse--a theatre is invariably -alluded to as a playhouse by people who are arguing against it--the -playhouse and the House of God are separate and distinct, and any -attempt to introduce the atmosphere of the former into the latter -savoured of irreverence, and should not be tolerated by any one having -at heart the welfare of the Church. - -Of course, Canon Mowbray was quickly made aware of the opinion of the -Chapter regarding his innovation, and then it was that he made use of -the somewhat intemperate phrases already quoted in defining the artistic -incompetence of the clergy; and the clergy speedily learned all that he -had said and was still saying about them, and they were naturally very -much displeased. - -But what could they do in the matter? - -Well, it was obvious that they could be cold to him--they could delete -his name from the list of invitations to their whist parties and dinner -parties and luncheon parties. They could make it difficult for him to -get up a set at lawn-tennis or badminton; and, sure enough, they put -in motion all the apparatus of excommunication which is still at -the command of the Church. But the result was not all that had been -anticipated; for the people who felt that they owed Canon Mowbray a good -turn for the entertainment with which he had provided them for several -Sundays, got up special parties in his honour: dinner parties, and -whist parties, and even "tweeny" parties--the Sunday lunch between the -services at the Cathedral which occupies so prominent a position in the -convivial régime of Broadminster. But Canon Mowbray was wise enough not -to accept any of the invitations that he received. He knew that there -was far more to be got out of a pose as persecuted reformer than from -appearing at the most elaborate tweeny lunch that the most interesting -house in the town could provide. - -He was quite right; for within a month he was summoned before the Dean -himself, and remonstrated with on the error of his excessive elocution. -It was understood the great Dignitary had used his own weapons against -him during this interview: his elocution was excessive as he referred to -the Canon's attempt to introduce an element into the services which -had previously been monopolised by the playhouse--the Dean, of course, -called the theatre the playhouse. - -It need scarcely be said that this interview of remonstrance represented -a martyr's crown of 22 carats, hall-marked, to Canon Mowbray, and he -took care to display it: he never appeared in public without it. He -brushed his hair to accommodate its rim upon his head--every one who -has come in contact with a martyr knows how far the brushing of his -hair goes to the establishment of his claim to the crown--and it was -understood that even if Canon Mowbray's "size" had been in excess of -that marked on the ticket in his hat, it was nearly certain that within -a short time his head would be found quite equal to the wearing of his -crown without any one suggesting that it was a misfit. - -But he had got the better of the Dean in the interview--he took care -that this fact became known. He had not forgotten himself or his -position for a moment. He had expressed his great regret that the Dean -was unable to look at the question of the innovation with his, the -Canon's, eyes; he had a great respect for the Dean's opinion on most -matters, and he knew no one whose advice he would follow more gladly; but -in this particular point he found it impossible to do so. Surely if -the art of the musician was admitted into the services, the art of the -elocutionist should not be excluded--and so forth. Good taste? He was -said, that he could not allow any considerations of what some people -called good taste to interfere with what he believed to be his duty. -After all, good taste and bad taste were merely relative terms. It was -not possible that on any aesthetic grounds Mr. Dean would be prepared to -say that the slovenly reading of the Sacred Word to which they had been -for long accustomed at the Minster was more tasteful than--than one in -which the ordinary principles of elocution were observed. - -It was when the Dean was confronted with arguments which he made no -attempt to answer that he became grossly personal, Canon Mowbray said, -attributing to him, the Canon, motives unworthy of a clergyman with any -sense of his high calling, and thereby proving pretty conclusively, the -Canon thought, that as an arbiter of good taste the Dean could scarcely -be admitted to a position of any prominence. - -The result of the Dean's remonstrance was to strengthen the Canon's -cause in the eyes of his adherents; and when one of these friends wrote -a letter to the newspapers, expressing the opinion that if Canon -Mowbray had been guilty of any breach of discipline the ecclesiastical -authorities should take action with a view to justifying themselves in -the attitude they had assumed in regard to him, the general opinion was -that the Canon had triumphed, for the Dean and Chapter knew perfectly -well that they had no power to accept the challenge implied in the -letter: the question was not one of turning to the east or turning -to the west, or of lighting candles in a place where no artificial -illuminant was required, or of wearing an overelaborate robe--it was -solely a question of taste, and the discipline of the Church has nothing -to do with matters of taste. - -It was at this point that Lady Birnam, who claimed to be a local -ecclesiastical seismometer, so to speak, prophesied a cataclysm that -would shake the Church to its foundations. She went far beyond the -advisory committee of St. Paul's in considering the consequences of -making new subways by the London County Council. - - - - -III.--THE PEACEMAKERS - -And yet within a couple of months the last rumble of the threatened -disturbance had passed away. - -This is how the _status quo ante bellum_ was restored: - -The offending Canon was in the habit of confiding in his supporters his -feeling of sorrow that none of his clerical brethren had the manliness -to follow his example and read the Lessons as they should be read: -he had quite believed, he said, that in a short time the slovenly, -monotonous reader would have ceased to appear at the lectern; he was -greatly disappointed. - -But one Sunday an elderly Prebendary astonished every one by "putting -on" two separate and distinct voices in reading the First Lesson. It was -the chapter in which Moses pleads for the Children of Israel when their -destruction is threatened by the Almighty. Now it will be plain to any -one that to treat this duologue in an elocutionary style requires a -delicacy of touch of the rarest sort; but unhappily the reader seemed -to have the idea that all that was necessary to deal with the most -important passages effectively was to deliver them in two voices, -and this scheme he adopted. The one voice was that of a good-natured -gentleman taking the part of naughty schoolboys who had been caught -robbing the orchard of an irascible old farmer; the second voice was -that of the irascible old farmer who had cornered them and had sent one -of his staff for a dog whip. - -The effect was startling at first. It seemed as if the clergyman had -seen Irving in _The Lyons Mail'_ and thought he could not improve -greatly upon the method of the actor in the dual rôle--speaking in the -mild accents of the amiable Lesurges on the one hand and in the gruff -staccato of Dubose on the other. At first this touch of realism was -startling, but as it went on it became queer, then funny, and at last it -had the element that made its emphatic appeal to most hearers, that of -burlesque. Some of the congregation were shocked: they had no idea that -"God spake these words and said" in the tone of a testy old gentleman. -Others were frankly amused and showed it without reticence; and the -entertainment closed with the giggling of choir-boys. - -The Second Lesson was read by Canon Mowbray in a very subdued way. -Contrary to the expectation of a good many people, he made no attempt -to match himself in realistic effects against the Prebendary; and when -during the week remarks were made in his hearing respecting that member -of the Chapter and his elocution, he only shook his head sadly. The -other members of the Chapter could do no more. When an elderly clergyman -has made a fool of himself within the precincts of his church people can -only shake their heads. - -But the next Sunday the congregation who crowded the Minster at the -afternoon service shook not only their heads but their bodies also in -their decorous but wholly ineffectual attempts to smother their -laughter while the Prebendary read a chapter in the Book of Ruth which -necessitated, he thought, full orchestral treatment. He clearly saw -the parts for a basso, a tenor, a soprano, and a contralto, and he set -himself about doing all four by subtle modulations of his voice. Now, -people do not as a rule mind a middle-aged parson's putting on a gruff -voice when reading what a man said, or going up an octave or so when -assuming the dialogue of a milder-mannered man; but when he puts on -a falsetto, and a very high falsetto, when he essays to reproduce the -words of a woman, and occasionally breaks in an attempt to lay the -emphasis on the right words, the most decorous of folk will either laugh -or weep--and the great majority of the worshippers in the old Minster -this day did the former. Quite a number hurried from the Sacred -Fane with their handkerchiefs held close to their mouths. But once -outside---- - -That was how the scandal which threatened to make Broadminster Chapter -a house divided against itself was dispersed. It was obvious that the -Minster was too antique a place to be made the scene of so great an -innovation as Canon Mowbray had attempted to introduce, and he at -once fell back into the recognised monotone, with a suspicion of the -sing-song rising and falling from sentence to sentence in his reading of -the Lessons, and the Prebendary once more followed his example; and so -the plague--or worse--was stayed. - -But the general impression that prevailed throughout Broadminster -when the whole question of the innovation was discussed was that -that middle-aged Prebendary had not gone very far in making a fool of -himself. They had heard of a potent form of argument technically known -as _reductio ad absurdum_, but they had never before had so signal an -instance of its successful operation. - - - - -IV.--THE VOX HUMANA - -Some years had passed before there was another little fluttering in the -Minster dovecotes; but this time the disturbing element happily did not -arise within the Chapter. The fact was that at the afternoon service one -Sunday a voice of extraordinary charm was heard when the first of the -hymns was begun. It was the voice of a professional soprano, and one of -the finest _timbre_ beyond doubt; but it was so clear and so resonant -that, to make use of the verger's criticism whispered into my ear, it -gave the rest of the congregation no chance whatsoever. Now every -one knows that there is nothing so startling in a church as one voice -ringing out even a single note above the vague cloud of sound, if one -may be allowed such a phrase, that comes from a singing congregation. -But here was a young woman who went through every verse of the hymn -as though the volume of sound coming from the nave, the aisle, and the -choir itself were only meant as a sort of background for her voice. - -Of course before the third stanza was reached the great majority of -those who had been singing had ceased. They saw that, in the verger's -phrase, they had no chance against so brilliant a vocalist; they -turned their eyes upon the young woman, some of them with frowns of -indignation, but others with frank admiration. But undoubtedly all -were startled. - -When the second hymn began it was plain that the music presented -no difficulties to the stranger; she sang as before with exquisite -sweetness and expression, but still with a ringing clearness that -suggested the song of the skylark soaring above a field of corncrakes. -Even the efforts of the choir did not rise much above the melody of the -corn-crakes in early dawn when that girl was singing. - -Naturally such an unusual display caused a considerable amount of -talk in Minster circles. It was pronounced in many directions to be -in extremely bad taste for any young woman to sing down a whole -congregation in such a way; but while some people said it must be put a -stop to at once, others declared that they had never had such a treat -in their lives. (They probably meant for the expenditure that was -represented by their donations to the offertory.) - -But when the wives of such members of the Chapter as were blessed with -wives declared definitely that a stop must be put to so unreasonable a -display of an undoubted gift, their husbands asked how they proposed to -put a stop to it; and once again it appeared that, after all, the powers -of a Cathedral Chapter are very limited. - -Inquiries were made as to who the singer actually was; but no one seemed -to know her. She was a stranger, and was certainly not living in the -town. - -The next Sunday brought about a repetition of the same rather -embarrassing scene. The vocalist, who was a very handsome and an -expensively but not showily dressed young woman, sang as before quite -unconcernedly, and apparently oblivious of having done anything out of -the common. - -At the end of the first hymn, however, the organist's boy was seen to -approach her, and to put a piece of paper into her hand. It obviously -contained a message to which an answer was required, for the boy waited -while she read the thing, and then she inclined her head, evidently -signifying her assent to whatever suggestion it conveyed to her. - -No one who saw the act doubted that the organist had sent her a message, -begging her not to sing quite so loud. - -In due course the precentor announced that "the anthem is taken from Job -xix. verses 25, 26: 'I know that my Redeemer liveth... and though worms -destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God.'" - -The lovely notes of the organ obbligato were heard in the introduction, -and then the people in the church became aware of the fact that the -melody was not being sung by the usual choir-boy, but by the stranger; -and never before had it been sung with such feeling or such an -appreciation of its beauty. It was natural that the old Cathedral-goers -should look at one another with startled eyes at first--here was an -innovation indeed!--but before long the most hardened of them all -had yielded to the exquisite charm of the girl's voice, and when the -triumphant notes rang out there was no one who remained unmoved under -that ancient canopy of Gothic arches. - -And that unhappily is the end of the whole story. The girl and the -elderly lady who had come with her to the Minster walked away at the -close of the service, and no one was able to say in what direction they -went or whence they had come. No one in the town knew either of -them. They had not been at any hotel, nor had they taken the train to -London--the organist made it a point to be at the station to find out. -That beautiful, singer might have been a celestial visitant sent as a -special compliment to the organist of the Minster--it was rumoured that -the views of the organist were strongly in favour of this theory--so -mysteriously had she come and so utterly had she vanished. - -But during the week that followed that episode in the Minster little -else was talked of in the town. The Chapter took the gravest view of the -action of the organist in sending that note to the vocalist, asking her -if she would kindly sing the solo: he confessed that he had done so. -They said that it was quite irregular, and he acknowledged this also; in -fact, he was ready to acknowledge every thing to which the Chapter -took exception if they would in turn acknowledge that he had been -instrumental in providing them with such an artistic treat as they had -never known within the walls of the Cathedral. And then he began to -laugh at them, for he knew that they all had a wholesome dread of him, -from the Dean down. He broached that suspicion about the angel, and -lectured them upon the good fortune of some people who had entertained -angels unaware. He wondered if that mysterious vocalist had entertained -them. If so, he hoped that they would contrive when intoning the prayers -in future to end up within a tone or two of the note on which they had -started. - -[Illustration: 0237] - -They smiled and were silent. Some of them thought that he had let -them off easily enough. They were trembling lest he should go into -particulars. - -But for that week there was a great deal of controversy in Church -circles respecting the episode, and on the following Sunday the Minster -was crowded; for it was rumoured that the organist had another anthem -with an effective soprano solo which he meant to spring upon the Chapter -in place of the baritone, "What is man that Thou art mindful of him?" -which was on the board, in view of the reappearance of the girl. - -Every one was disappointed, however; the service was conducted as usual, -for the soprano was not there, and Mr. Stone, the very capable baritone, -had it all his own way in respect of the anthem. He never sang it better -in all his life, and everybody went home disappointed, except perhaps -the Chapter and their womenfolk, who had perceived how easily a vocalist -of exceptional ability may in certain circumstances be the means of -causing confusion in the conducting of the services of the Church. - - - - -V.--THE PILGRIM'S PROGRESS - -I am inclined to think that the people of Broad-minster are about the -best informed of all people in the county in regard to general topics. -But sometimes this opinion, which so many visitors form, is not -confirmed by residence in the town. In these days, when one hears that -it is impossible to educate a girl as she should be educated for less -than £200 a year, one expects a great deal of knowledge from girls -generally. A clergyman of the town, who is not connected with the -Minster, is constantly telling me of instances that have come under -his notice of the most expensively educated girls showing an amount of -ignorance that should, but probably would not, make a Board School girl -blush were it brought home to her. He assured me that the daughter of -one of the Minster dignitaries, in seeing a casual reference to Elaine, -had begged him to tell her in which of Shakespeare's plays she appeared: -she herself had made a diligent search through that author without -success. - -I could scarcely believe that such an incident had taken place, for I -was under the impression that Tennyson was still read by girls; but a -short time afterwards I overheard a couple of young women--one of them -not so very young--talking on literature. - -The elder had mentioned that she had read in a magazine that the best -account of the great plague was in a book written by Defoe, and she -wondered if the other girl knew what book it was in. The other shook her -head, saying-- - -"You need not ask me; the only book of Defoe's that I ever read was -_The Pilgrim's Progress_, and I never finished it." - -"I thought you might chance to know," said the other complacently, -evidently not seeing her way into any side issue in respect of the -authorship of _The Pilgrim's Progress._ "I'm tremendously interested in -something I have been reading on tropical diseases, and I thought that I -should like to learn something about the old plagues." - -I fancy that both young women went through a course of English -literature at their expensive school, and they probably would reply to -your assurance that you knew the difference between Daniel Defoe and -John Bunyan and their works when you were twelve years of age, that they -could have done the same. What chance has Defoe against golf or Bunyan -against badminton. If a girl only puts her heart into it she can -forget between eighteen and twenty-four much that she has learned -previously--at a cost of a couple of thousand pounds or thereabout. - -But, I repeat, there is a great deal of intelligence to be found in all -circles in Broadminster, and now and again one is confronted by some -strong piece of evidence of original investigation on a historical as as -well as a literary subject. Seldom, however, does one have an important -logical conclusion to an apparently trivial incident enforced upon one -with the same lucidity as characterised a lady's expression of surprise -that the hallucinations of the great Duke of Wellington in the latter -years of his life had not been commented on by any of his biographers. -People were accustomed to laugh at the assertion of the Prince Regent -that he had been present at the battle of Waterloo, and at the -Duke's reply to him when appealed to for confirmation: "Indeed, I -have frequently heard your Royal Highness say so." But what about the -Duke's own hallucination? Is it not recorded of him that upon one -occasion, when watching the playing fields at Eton, he declared that -the battle of Waterloo had been fought there? Yet although everyone -knew that Waterloo was in Belgium, no one seemed to have noticed the -extraordinary mental lapse on the part of a man who might reasonably be -supposed to have the chief features of the locality impressed upon him. -She added that she feared, if the error were not pointed out in time, -the Duke's statement might become generally accepted, and so posterity -might be led to believe that Napoleon's career had been brought to a -close on the banks of the Thames, which was not a fact. - - - - -VI.--THE ATMOSPHERE OF THE MINSTER - -The effect of residing for some time in such a town as Broadminster--a -community on which the shadow of an ancient Minster has rested for nearly -six hundred years--is noteworthy. One breathes of the atmosphere that -clings about the old stonework, and, in time, one is conscious of one's -ideas and aspirations becoming assimilated with the traditions of the -place. On a fine morning in summer even an Irishman feels himself to be -an English Conservative--a genuine Tory of the good old days when boys -were taught to touch their hats to a "passon," and when it was a matter -of common knowledge that the finest vintage ports were reposing in the -cellars of the Close. - -An instance of the insidious influences of an atmosphere too strongly -charged with Anglozone--one must invent a word to express this -particular elixir of the cathedral town--came under my notice some years -ago. A young American lady, after travelling about a good deal, settled -in a beautiful old house in Broadminster. Rooms panelled with old oak, -an oak staircase with well-carved newels and finials, and a room on -the wall of which some frescowork of the fourteenth century had been -discovered, completed the charm which the Minster bells began in the -mind of the young woman, and she began to speak English as incorrectly -as if she had been born in England. - -I met her one day wearing mourning--not exemplary mourning, but enough -to induce a mild and conventional expression of sympathy. - -Oh no, it was not for any near relation, she said; but surely I had -forgotten that the day was the anniversary of the execution of the -Earl of Strafford. What Strafford was that? Why, of course, Charles the -First's Strafford. How could Englishmen be so neglectful of the memory -of one of the greatest of Englishmen? - -"If you go into mourning for Strafford, I suppose you fast upon the -anniversary of the death of Charles the First?" I suggested. - -"The martyrdom of King Charles is commemorated in some parts of the -States in the most solemn manner," she replied. "Oh yes, I can assure -you that we are Stuart in every fibre of our bodies. I am President of -the White Rose Society of Chillingworth County, Massachusetts." - -"But you are not, I hope, active Jacobites?" said I. - -"Well, no--not just yet; but we can never acknowledge the Hanoverian -succession. We owe the Hanoverians a grudge: it was a king of that house -who brought about our separation from Great Britain. That old wound -rankles still." - - - - -CHAPTER THIRTEEN--AMONG THE AMATEURS - - - - -I.--MR. BARTON'S HIGH NOTE - -THE ARTISTIC INFLUENCES OF A CATHEDRAL with a good organist and a -capable choir in any town cannot be questioned; and so it is that the -concerts which take place with some frequency in Broad-minster and -the neighbourhood are usually quite good. The members of the choir are -always ready to sing for the many deserving objects that occur to the -active minds of the organisers of amateur concerts. One of these ladies, -however, made up her mind that people were getting tired of the local -tenors, and resolved to introduce a new amateur, whom she had heard sing -at Brindlington, for a concert she was getting up for the Ophthalmic -Hospital. This gentleman's name was Barton, and he was said to be a very -promising tenor of a light quality. He certainly behaved as such when he -came to Broadminster to rehearse on the afternoon of the day preceding -the entertainment. Dr. Brailey, the organist of the Minster, had kindly -consented to play the accompaniments as usual, though his best tenor was -to be superseded by the gentleman from Brindlington, and he attended the -rehearsal. - -Before he had got through the first stanza of the stranger's -contribution--a song that the musician had accompanied hundreds of -times--he found himself being instructed by Mr. Barton how to play the -introduction to the second stanza. Then he found himself told that he -was playing too loud: "Keep it down, my dear sir, keep it down--this is -not a pianoforte solo," said the amateur petulently, to the horror of -everyone present, with the exception, apparently, of the musician; -for Dr. Brailey only smiled and remarked that he hoped he would with -practice be able to give the gentleman satisfaction. But even this -course of suavity did not seem to produce a good impression upon the -amateur: he continued grumbling, winding up by saying-- - -"Oh, well, I suppose that will have to do," while he turned his back -upon the musician. - -But the musician did not seem in the least hurt. He smiled. - -He was in his seat at the piano the next evening when the new tenor came -forward to sing his song. It occupied, of course, the best place in the -programme, and the first stanza came off very well: the high note a bar -or two from the close was in itself a feat, but the singer produced it -correctly and hung on to it as long as he could, and Dr. Brailey gave -him every latitude, not proceeding with the accompaniment until he had -quite finished with it. - -And then Dr. Brailey did a thing which he alone in the town could do: he -raised the key a tone in attacking the second stanza without the singer -being aware of it; it was only when he approached the same high note to -which he had clung in the first stanza that he began to feel that he was -not so much at his ease in forcing it again. He pulled himself together, -however, and just managed to touch it--there was no thought of clinging -to it now; he touched it and then hurried away from it down the scale, -and under covert of the encouraging applause which the singer received -the accompanist unostentatiously raised the key again as he dashed into -the third stanza. Gratified by his previous success, the tenor went -gallantly onward; again he realised that the high note would tax him to -the uttermost--he felt that he was straining his voice to touch even -a lower note. But what could he do? The copy of the song which he held -trembled in his fingers; then he took a quick breath and made a dash for -the high note. - -He never reached it--his voice broke upon it with the usual comical -effect, and the young people in the audience yelled with laughter. A boy -scout or two at the back of the hall thought the moment a propitious one -for showing how accomplished they were in imitating the everyday sounds -of the farmyard; and under such a volley, mingling with the laughter -of the choir-boys, one of whom simulated the tremolo of a cat unable to -fulfil its engagements in good time, and attempting to produce Chopin's -Funeral March from the beginning with a far too meagre orchestra, the -singer turned and almost fled from the platform. - -It was Dr. Brailey who had to announce to the audience at the start -of the second part of the concert that Mr. Barton, owing to a sudden -indisposition, would be unable to sing "Let me like a Soldier fall"--the -other song that was opposite his name on the programme--but that their -old friend, Mr. Stamford, had kindly stepped into the breach and would -do his best with that number. - -"Loud and prolonged applause," the _Gazette_ stated, followed the -announcement; for Mr. Stamford was the leading tenor of the Minster -choir. - -Mr. Barton, carrying with him his three encore songs--he had come -fully prepared to meet the preposterous demands of an enthusiastic -audience--left Broadminster by the night train. And up to this day I -believe that he does not know by what diabolic trick on the part of -some one he made such a fiasco. He has been heard to declare that no -persuasion will ever induce him to sing again in Broadminster, and, so -far as I can gather, there is no likelihood of any machinery being set -in motion to cause him to break his vow. - -I think that the claim which the musical fraternity of Broadminster -advance respecting the moral tone of their performances, whether given -under the patronage of the Church or not, can certainly be maintained. -The Kreutzer Sonata has been placed on the _Index Expurgatorius_ of the -Concert Committee ever since Tolstoi wrote a foolish book pointing out -whither that composition was likely to lead young people with a tendency -toward voluptuousness; and when a lady of a sensitive nature but an open -mind submitted to them a song which she had been advised to sing at a -forthcoming concert, pointing out where in one line the writer of the -words had, she thought, gone a little too far, they considered the -matter with closed doors and all females excluded, and decided that her -suspicions were but too well founded, and that the offensive line should -be altered. This was done, and the honour of Broadminster was preserved -intact. - -The name of the song was, "It was a Dream," and the line objected to -was-- - - "We kiss'd beneath the moon's cold beam." - -The shock of this shameless confession was mitigated by the substitution -of the word "met" for "kiss'd"-- - - "We met beneath the moon's cold beam-- - - It was a dream--it was a dream!" - -"Nothing could be happier than the change," said Lady Birnam. "It left -so much to the imagination." - - - - -II.--THE MUSICAL TABLEAUX - -Some people have been heard to affirm that there is too much music -going on at Broadminster. There may perhaps be some grounds for the -assumption. At any rate, it is certain that of late few concerts -contributed to solely by local talent have paid their expenses. The -opinion seems to be general that when the vocalists can be heard every -day of the week free of charge in the Minster, people are unwilling to -pay three shillings, two shillings, or even (back seats, unreserved) one -shilling for listening to them at a concert. - -Some time ago, however, when the annual Coal Fund was started, it was -absolutely necessary to get up a concert to make a contribution to -this excellent charity; and Lady Birnam undertook the direction of the -affair. - -After consultation with some friends from a distance who were supposed -to have sounded all the depths of schemes for the relief of "deserving -objects," she came to the conclusion that music, illustrated by -_tableaux vivants_, offered the greatest lure to the public. Such a -combination had never been attempted in the town, and its novelty would -make an appeal to the jaded palates of a concert-ridden community. - -The plan of illustrating the music was quite a simple one. Certain -dramatic songs were selected and scenery painted to form a suitable -background for the episode treated in each; an illustrative group was -arranged against such a background, and when the curtain was raised after -the singing of each stanza it was like looking at the pictorial cover of -the song itself. - -For instance, in "The Village Blacksmith" the baritone sang the first -stanza, up went the curtain, and there appeared on the platform a living -picture of the smith, brawny arms and all, in the act of raising a -hammer to strike a very red-hot horseshoe. The next stanza sung was that -which referred to the children looking in on the smithy, and when it was -sung a charming picture was displayed of immaculate children standing -around the door, while the smith neglected his work to pat them on the -hair. The third tableau showed the interior of a church with the -smith in the family pew raising his eyes pathetically as he hears his -daughter's voice in the choir. - -The idea seemed a very pleasing one, and it had the "draw" of novelty -about it. It was found that several good songs lent themselves admirably -to illustration by tableaux, and the young men and maidens were pleased -to have the chance of posing in aid of a deserving charity. It so -happened, however, that Mr. Stamford's mother died only a few days -before the date of the first public performance, so that he was forced -to remove his name from the programme. He was to sing "She wore a Wreath -of Roses," and the three groups that were arranged for the song were -expected to be among the most effective of the evening. - -Mr. Stamford was very sorry to relinquish his intention of singing, but -he promised the Committee to provide the best substitute possible to -get, and this was a friend of his who occupied a position in a bank at -Mallingham. He promised to communicate with this gentleman and to tell -him what he was to do. He was sure to know "She wore a Wreath of Roses." -The substitute turned up in good time: there was, of course, no need for -a rehearsal! Mr. Stamford had told him what he was to do, he said, and -he preferred playing his own accompaniment. - -The first two sets of the evening were received with every token of -approval by the audience: the songs were "The Village Blacksmith" -and Pinsuti's "Night Watch"; and then the charming young lady in -mid Victorian dress, and with a wreath of pink roses on her dark hair, -posed on the daïs against a suitable background. The signal was given to -the tenor, who was seated at the piano behind the curtain. He struck a -few chords and began in excellent style. - - "Here a sheer hulk lies poor Tom Bowling." - -He had actually got to the end of the first stanza before it dawned -upon any responsible person that this was not the "Wreath of Roses," and -before he could be arrested he had declared that - - "Faithful below he did his du-i-ty, - - And now-ow he's gaw-aw-en aloft." - -Up went the curtain, revealing a refreshing picture of the pretty girl -in the muslin dress and the pink wreath, and after the usual interval -for applause the curtain fell. Never had the applause been louder: it -caused the members of the Committee who were preparing to strangle the -singer to lose their heads completely, and the singer was well through -the second stanza before they recovered themselves sufficiently to -perceive that it was now too late to do anything, and he went on -complacently to say that - - "Tom never from his word departed----" - -and so on through the simple, pathetic stanza; and then the curtain rose -and showed the charming young lady in white satin among her bridesmaids -at the door of the church, and once again the applause was rapturous. - -"Heavens above! what do the fools mean by applauding?" whispered the -chairman of the Committee. - -"Let them go on if they please," said some one. "They think that this -is Tom Bowling's bride--his fidelity is rewarded, that's the moral -illustrated. 'Tom never from his word departed'--there you are, you -see. 'His heart was kind and soft,' and the combined virtues have their -reward--_vide tableau._" - -Then those of the Committee who had some sense of humour hastened into -the anteroom to roar with laughter. They were still so engaged when the -curtain rose for the third and last time, showing poor Tom Bowling's -widow in appropriate garments. Having heard three times that Tom had -gone aloft, it would have been ridiculous if any less pathetic scene had -been shown to the audience. - -The decent interval that elapsed before the applause came showed how -deeply affected was the audience. - -But the singer at the piano was pounced upon by the Committee and -prevented from going on with his song. He protested that he had only -sung three verses, and that he was bound to finish it; but the Committee -were firm. Not another note would they let him sing, and he retired -hurt. - -He was questioned in the anteroom as to how on earth he came to sing -"Tom Bowling" when Mr. Stamford must have told him that his song was to -be "She wore a Wreath of Roses." Did not Mr. Stamford tell him that? he -was asked. - -"Oh yes, he said that; but I wasn't going to sing that foolish, -sentimental rot. Anybody who knows anything about music will agree with -me in thinking that 'Tom Bowling' is worth a dozen of the other, and I'm -supposed to sing 'Tom Bowling' rather well." - -[Illustration: 0255] - -This was the explanation given by the visitor, and it was commented on -pretty freely by some of the Committee. - -But the consensus of opinion among the audience and the critics was in -favour of the belief that the tableaux illustrating scenes in the life -of Tom Bowling--and his widow--were the most effective of the whole -entertainment. - - - - -III.--THE DRAMA - -It must be obvious to the least experienced that such a community as -may be found in an artistic neighbourhood like Broadminster will -take kindly to amateur theatricals. There are two dramatic clubs in -Broadminster, and their performances are highly appreciated by the -members and their friends. The rivalry between the two is quite -amicable, for one set of amateurs devote themselves to the lighter forms -of the drama and the other to the loftier, and perhaps they might be -called without offence the heavier forms. It may be mentioned that -the former are the more popular, but those persons who attend the -representations of the latter consider themselves the more superior--as -indeed they are; otherwise they would have accorded the tribute of a -sunny smile to a little bit of dialogue, with accompanying action, which -took place in a performance of _King Renes Daughter_ which it was my -privilege to attend. - -At one place the King and the Moorish physician have had a long scene -together, for the physician is certainly inclined to be long-winded. -They go out together, and a couple of the courtiers enter the garden and -express surprise not to find the others waiting for them. One of them -says-- - -"The King is gone, nor can I see the leech." - -Now, if the amateur had simply said the words, his meaning, I believe, -unless I am over-sanguine, would have been understood. But when, after -shading his eyes with a hand while he gazed into the distance of stately -trees and saying, "The King is gone," he bent his eyes to the ground and -moved a stone or two about with his toe before adding, "Nor can I see -the leech," I am inclined to think he puzzled some of his audience. - -I had the curiosity to inquire what was in his mind when he sent his -eyes roaming about the ground while he grubbed with his feet, and I -learned that he thought it would be quite natural for any one searching -for a leech to move the stones about to see if it was concealing itself -in the earth. - -He was evidently under the impression that the wise physician was -habitually followed by a pet leech, or perhaps that he had brought it -with him to try what effect it would have upon the Princess's eyes, and -that it had escaped through a hole in his waistcoat pocket. - - - - -CHAPTER FOURTEEN--THE LIGHTER SIDE OF CLERICAL LIFE - - - - -I.--THE FRANK CANON - -I DO NOT THINK THAT, TAKING THEM all round, the Cathedral dignitaries -of Broadminster can be accused of assuming a greater importance than -is due to their position; but a story is told about a Canon, lately -deceased, which goes far to prove that he at least did not shrink -from putting forward what he believed to be a reasonable claim to -distinction--relative distinction. It is said that he was in the -one bookseller's shop which is still to be found in the town. It was -Saturday evening, when a stranger entered and, after buying a book, -inquired of the proprietor who was the best preacher in the place: he -explained that he was staying over Sunday and was anxious to hear the -best. - -This was too delicate a question for the bookseller (with a clergyman -at his elbow) to answer at a moment's notice; so he thought he would do -well to evade the responsibility by referring the stranger to the Canon. - -"This gentleman is a stranger to the town, sir," he said, "and he wishes -to know who is the best preacher. I thought that perhaps you, sir----" - -"I hope you will pardon me, sir," said the stranger. "I am staying here -till Monday, and I ventured to inquire who is the best preacher." - -"The best preacher, sir?" said the Canon, looking up from the book which -he was sampling. "The best preacher? I am the best preacher, sir: I am -Canon Hillman." - -The stranger was slightly startled. - -"Thank you very much, sir," he said quickly. "And who do you consider -the next best?" - -"The next best is my brother, sir, the Reverend Theophilus Hillman." - -The stranger raised his hat and hurried away. - -This Canon Hillman had a reputation for that sort of frankness suggested -by the story which I have ventured to repeat as it was told to me, and -which I have no difficulty in believing, from the example I had of his -manner several years ago. I was sojourning at an hotel between Nice and -Beaulieu, and he appeared one night at table d'hôte dinner. It was -the custom for the proprietor, who, curiously enough, did not speak or -understand English, though he was a Swiss, to stand at the entrance -to the _salle à manger_, bowing out his guests as they passed into the -spacious lounge after dinner, and in returning his courtesy, people said -a word or two in commendation of his cuisine, to which he responded with -further bows. - -It so happened upon this particular night, however, that one or two -little mistakes had occurred to mar the harmony of the repast as a -whole--they were quite trifles--the _pré salé_ being underdone and -a jelly not having set with that rigidity which is expected in such -comestibles, but which is not always to be found in them. - -While we were filing out of the room I was almost immediately behind -Canon Hillman, and I heard him grumbling to a man who had been at his -table, but who did not seem to sympathise with him; and this went on -until they had reached the bowing proprietor, when the Canon stopped. - -"I wish to tell you, sir, that I have never eaten a worse dinner at any -hotel in my life," he said. "There was not a dish that any one could -eat--I consider it simply outrageous." - -Not one word did the man understand, for the Canon had spoken in -English. The proprietor smiled and bowed most placidly, saying--"_Je -vous remercie mille fois, m'sieur--votre compliment est très -distingué--très gracieux; je suis heureux--merci!_" - -He had too hastily assumed that the clergyman had offered him the usual -congratulations upon his cuisine, and he had replied with more than his -customary politeness, the visitor having shown himself to be much more -enthusiastic than the ordinary run of people had time to be, considering -that most of them were counting the moments until they should be in the -Casino at Monte Carlo. - -I did not know who the very frank clergyman was at that time; but four -or five years later I recognised him at Broadminster. - -His brother, the second best preacher, assuming the correctness of the -Canon's judgment, though perhaps it might have been reversed on appeal, -was rector of one of the parishes, and it was rumoured that he was -not disposed at any time to take too humble a view of his claims to -distinction, however slow other people might be to admit their validity. -It is said that upon one occasion, on his return from a visit to the -Holy Land, he preached a sermon giving some striking examples of the -fulfilment of prophecy in connection with the topography of Palestine. - -"My dear friends," he said, "I was particularly struck with the accuracy -of some of the details of the prophecies, when one day I was among the -ruins of one of those cities referred to in the Sacred Writings. I had -the Book in my hand, and I read that the land should be in heaps: I -looked up, and there were heaps on every side. I read that the bittern -should cry there: I looked up, and, lo, a bittern was standing there in -its loneliness. I read that the minister of the Lord should mourn there. -My dear friends, _I was that minister_." - - - - -II.--THE "CHARPSON" - -The only clergyman in Broadminster who, so far as I have heard, was -fully qualified to take a place in one of the Barchester groups was a -person named Gilliman. He was a small, stout gentleman with a comical -ruddy face and sparse, bristly grizzly hair. He had no benefice, but -was one of those unattached parsons who, in the phrase of the servants' -registry office, was ready to "oblige" either by the day or as locum -tenens for an absent incumbent. He had been left a small competence by -his mother--quite enough for a clerical bachelor to live on, and he was -a bachelor. He never sought for a job, but when he got one he proved -that he held fast to the excellent precept that the labourer is worthy -of his hire. If any brother parson expected that he would take his duty -out of love or zeal, that parson left himself open to disappointment. -I think he would have made a worthy curate to Mr. Quiverful; but Mr. -Quiverful would have felt so chastened in spirit by his proximity that -he would have got rid of him within a month. - -He was a zealous patron of the amateur, whether musical or dramatic. He -could always be depended on to buy one of the cheaper, but never one -of the cheapest, tickets for a concert or a comedy, and he seemed as -pleased with the most incompetent amateur as with the best. He was -socially unambitious; no one seemed to invite him to any function, with -the exception of the Dean's annual garden party: he went to this, and so -did every one else. - -It was not until he had been a resident in Broad-minster for several -years that people found out why he had settled in that town. It might be -supposed that there were enough clergymen here to serve as a reservoir -for all the neighbourhood in an emergency. I once heard an American lady -who was on a cathedral tour through Europe say just outside Santa Croce -on a feast day: "There are priests to burn in Florence if I do my sums -right." Her slang meant that there was a superfluity of the clergy in -that city, and perhaps she was right. I will not make use of her slang -in referring to Broadminster, but assuredly it might strike anyone that -there was a sufficient number of clerics in the purlieu of the Minster -to meet the needs of the neighbourhood without making the presence of -so accommodating a person as Mr. Gilliman a convenience. In an unguarded -moment, however, he confessed to some one that years ago, when he had -first come to the town, it was his earnest hope to drop into some vacant -stall in the Minster. He had dreams of being appointed to a canonry by -some fortunate combination of circumstances, and he had gone on -waiting for such an accident, and meantime attending all the amateur -performances in the place. - -He was a very good preacher, people said who had heard him, and others -who had not heard him; but few were aware of how he managed to excel in -a direction that seemed just the opposite to the bent of such a man. -The truth was that his father had been a zealous rector of a parish in -Devonshire, and had bequeathed to him a large sackful of sermons that he -had preached to his flock since his ordination; and when the fortunate -legatee was called on "to oblige" for an absent cleric, he simply put -his hand into the mouth of the sack and drew out a sermon, put it into -his pocket, and went away and preached it in due course, dropping it -into his sermon sack on his return. Thus it was that people said he -preached much better than they expected--and he probably did so; but he -could not tell you the next day on what subject he had preached. - -That legacy and his impartial system of dealing with it served him in -good stead; but upon one occasion it might have caused him to feel some -awkwardness if he had not been so completely detached from his duty -in the pulpit. The fact was that he had been called away at a moment's -notice to take the duty for a clergyman who had knocked himself up by -umpiring in a cricket match on a very hot Saturday. He had never been -to the place before, so he had to look up trains and connections, and by -the time he had got out of this maze the train that he had selected was -almost ready to start. He hurried to the faithful sack and pulled out a -fat sermon roll, and rushed away for the station. - -He was lucky in catching the train and the subsequent connections, and -arrived at the church with nearly half an hour to spare. He went through -the service and found himself in the pulpit with his sermon opened on -the cushion in front of him. - -Now it so happened that the discourse which he had drawn in his usual -way from the paternal sack was the valedictory sermon preached by his -father in the church of which he had been rector for forty years, and -there was the son beginning it in a church which he had never seen -before that morning! - -He was quite unconscious of any want of felicity in his choice. He began -the sermon and went through with it, feeling no qualm. He had every -confidence in the orthodoxy of his father; he would never get into a -scrape through preaching what the dear old man had preached years ago. -And so he went onto tell his congregation that more than forty years -had passed since he had first stood before them to preach the Gospel -of Truth, and that every year of that forty he had stood where he was -standing to-day, Sunday after Sunday--that he saw before him aged men -and women whom he had known as young men and maidens--that by the favour -of Heaven he had lived to baptize the offspring of those whom he had -himself baptized in their infancy--yea, unto the third generation he had -come, and now he was standing before them for the last time. The hour -of parting had come, and would any among them say that that hour was not -bitter to them all? - -Well, no one did go so far as to assert that the hour was not bitter to -them all. I was assured that the congregation were bathed in tears, so -affected were they by the thought that the clergyman who had "obliged" -for the day was about to vacate the pulpit for ever. They felt the -blow deeply--much more deeply than the parson seemed to feel it, for he -managed to hold back his tears so long as he was in the pulpit, though -his marvellous powers of self-repression may have deserted him an hour -later, and he may have broken down utterly in the train when making the -return journey; the chances are, however, that he did nothing of the -sort, for he had not the remotest idea what the sermon had been about. - -And the strangest thing of all in connection with this incident is -that the churchwardens expressed themselves as greatly pleased with the -sermon, and one of them referring to it the next day in the hearing of -my informant, said he had never been so affected in his life as he -was under the influence of the sermon, and he hoped that the eloquent -clergyman would be able to preach it again in the near future. - -It is quite likely that his wish was gratified, though I do not think -that any one who had the best interests of the Church at heart would -advocate the adoption of the farewell tours system of the popular actor -or singer by the clergy. It might hurt the susceptibilities of some -members of a congregation to hear a clergyman bid an affecting farewell -to a crowd of people who were complete strangers to him, and the -sincerity of his sorrow might be called in question when they reflected -that an ordinary man can scarcely be broken-hearted at the thought of -never seeing again the faces he had never seen before. But that, of -course, involves the question of how far the susceptibilities of the -weaker brethren should be considered. - -My informant, who was present upon the occasion referred to, was also -a stranger to the place. He was staying with the doctor's family, and, -walking home from the church, the doctor's wife remarked how beautiful -the sermon had been. - -"Your rector bears his age very well," said her companion. "He does not -look a day over forty, and yet, according to his own account, he must be -at least sixty-five." - -"Our rector? But that clergyman is not our rector," said the lady. "Our -rector is ill; the one we had today came to do duty for him. He is a -stranger." - -"But why, then, should he talk of having baptized half the congregation -and married the other half--of never having been absent from the pulpit -for forty years and more?" asked the man. - -"Oh, you are hypercritical!" cried the lady. "Some latitude should be -allowed to clergymen. He only made use of one of the figures of speech -of the pulpit." - -It is recorded of the same estimable charpson--if a parson who also -discharges the duties of a squire has been called a squarson, may not -one who goes out like a charwoman by the day be called a charpson?--that -upon one occasion he was asked to do duty for an absent clergyman at a -village in Hampshire, but the contract was for the morning service -only. When he was disrobing in the vestry after preaching the ser mon, -a couple of churchwardens approached him on the subject of the evening -service also. He said that he would be very pleased indeed to take the -evening service, but of course he should have to receive another guinea. -The churchwardens demurred. They said they thought that, as he was on -the spot---- - -He shook his head. - -"I cannot see that that has anything to do with the case," said the -clergyman. "One service and sermon, one guinea; two services and two -sermons, two guineas." - -The officials agreed that the article was marked in plain figures; -but still they thought---- Well, would he consent to take the evening -service for another half-guinea? - -After thinking over the proposal, the clergyman consented to do so; and -then one of the wardens suggested that perhaps Mr. Gilliman would not -mind saying just a few words--not a sermon--not a regular sermon, of -course, but just a few words--to the congregation after the evening -service. - -After some further thought Mr. Gilliman said he would have no objection -to say a few words in this way, and the wardens thanked him and handed -him a sovereign, a half-sovereign, a shilling, and a sixpence. They went -so far as to pay him for the evening in advance, to show that they had -unlimited confidence in him. - -On his part he resolved to prove to them that their confidence in him -was not misplaced; so, after reading the evening service, he came to the -front of the altar-rails and said-- - -"Dear brethren, I have been asked to say a few words to you at this time -instead of preaching the customary sermon. What I wish to say to each -and every one of you whom I see assembled before me--and what I think -it is the intention of your churchwardens that I should communicate to -you--is that there will be no sermon in this church to-night. Let us -sing, to the praise and glory of God, the ninety-second Hymn." - -He easily caught the late train to London, though the evening service -in respect of trains is much more irregular than that at which he had -presided in the church. - -The Reverend Herbert Gilliman, B.A.Oxon, never received preferment; but -some one remarked to me after his death, when touching on his career, -that far less worthy parsons had been appointed to a cure of souls -by the patrons of livings, without the parishioners having any voice -whatever in the matter. - -I agreed with him, and said that I thought they managed these things -better in Scotland, where the candidate minister preached once or twice -to the congregation to allow of their judging of his powers before they -accepted him. - -"Yes," he assented. "I think that the application of the hire-purchase -system in these matters is highly desirable." - -"It's not exactly the hire-purchase system," said a purist in phrases. -"It is more of the 'on sale or return' system of business." - -"What was in my mind," said a third, "was a tasting order for spirits in -bond." - - - - -III.--THE BIBLE CLASS - -I prefaced my repetition of passages in the career of the Reverend -Herbert Gilliman with an expression of my belief that he was the -only cleric in Broadminster who suggested to me one of the slightly -shop-soiled clergymen in Anthony Trollope's Barchester novels. Of the -ladies of the Close or the ladies of the Palace I have never heard of -one who, in the remotest degree, suggested a relationship with Mrs. -Proudie. - -I have heard, however, of the recent appearance of a lady, who is said -to have an intimate acquaintance with the Greek language, at the weekly -meeting of the Bible class, presided over by the Dean, who, it is said, -has also got some knowledge of the same tongue. The Minster Bible class -is one of the most exclusive of lady's clubs. It is understood that no -one is eligible for membership who has not been presented at Court--at -least so some one, who was not a member, affirmed. Another defined it as -a sort of religious Almack's; but it was a man, and a clergyman into the -bargain, who said it was an attempt to run an eighteenth-century French -salon on Church of England lines. - -Without resembling Mrs. Proudie in even the most distant way, the lady -of whom I have heard has succeeded, I am told, in changing the whole -character of the Bible class--all through her knowledge of Greek. -Without being in any way insolent or even self-assertive, she has, I -think I am right in stating, openly differed from the interpretation -put upon certain passages by the Dean himself; and no human being in -Broadminster is recorded to have differed from the Dean on any point -whatsoever. But she was a stranger and apparently unacquainted with the -best traditions of the town; and, moreover, it was the Dean himself -who invited her to join the Bible class. And when she suggests quite -a different interpretation of a text from that advanced by the Dean, -referring him to certain of the newest "readings" as her authority, he -does not seem to be in the least irritated; indeed, on one occasion, -when the question arose as to the exact shade of St. Paul's meaning when -he made use of the particle _ôi_, the Dean was understood to say that he -thought the lady's suggestion well worthy of consideration. - -All the higher orders of the clerical establishment--those who are, so -to speak, "on the strength" of the Chapter--those to whom the great -Lord Shaftesbury would have given, without the reservation of a single -finger, his whole hand to shake--are not, however, so meek as Mr. Dean, -and it is whispered that two or three of them have recently been keeping -the Bible class at a distance, while others, in view of being called -on to preside at one of its meetings, have been seen searching on their -bookshelves for Liddell and Scott and blowing the dust off the edges. - -All the old members of the class are declaring, however, that in future -they will make complete ignorance of Greek an essential to membership. -The very existence of a Bible class assumes ignorance, and no one has -any business to belong to it who is capable of differing from the Dean, -or, at least, who is sufficiently tactless to express such a divergence -of opinion even though she may be sure of her ground. - -Such a show of feeling in this matter goes far to assure Broadminster -that there is no chance of Mrs. Proudie being tolerated in the diocese. - -When I was walking down the principal street of Broadminster--the street -on which the leading silversmith and the leading draper have their -premises--there went past a very high carriage. I hesitate to refer -to it as "well appointed," this chapter not being one of a novel, and, -besides, I do not quite know what is meant by a well-appointed carriage; -but the vehicle to which I refer was high, its horses were well matched -and good steppers, and the coachman and footman were also a match pair. -The young person with whom I was walking bowed to the occupants of the -carriage--a young cleric and an extremely goodlooking and well-dressed -lady. - -"Nice looking people," I ventured to remark. "You know them, it would -appear." - -"Know them? I should think I do know them: he is our curate," replied my -companion, who was, I may mention, the daughter of a clergyman. - -"The Church is looking up when curates sit behind high-stepping bays," -said I. - -"He is the best curate we ever had," said she. "He is the most obliging -man ever known. He never grumbles at having to take both services some -Sundays and to preach as well--a splendid preacher, too--never longer -than a quarter of an hour." - -"Anything else?" I inquired. - -"Yes," she said slowly and with something of awe in her voice. "He is a -one bisquer at croquet!" - -I tried to catch sight of the carriage and its bays, but it must have -been a mile away by this time. - -"And he does all that out of the hundred and fifty pounds a year your -father pays him?" - -"He does indeed, eked out by the five thousand a year his father left -him: his father was Sir Edmund Bonnewell, the great contractor. You have -heard of him?" - -I had. - - - - -IV.--THE ENCYCLOPĈDIC PARSON - -It is impossible that every one should be fully informed on all points -even in so enlightened a community as Broadminster; but there is one -clergyman who has a reputation for being the most artful fisherman in -the Close, and of being always able to answer any question that may -be put to him by the most casual inquirer. I heard him discussing the -origin of a fire that had taken place in the town a few days before, -and, as is usual in these days, it was said to have been due to a short -circuit in the electric wires. - -"I have often wondered what a short circuit is," said a lady. "Can you -tell me what it is, Mr. Tomlinson?" - -"A short circuit? Oh, it's very simple," said the fully informed parson. -"A short circuit is when--when--oh yes, when it is only a very short way -from the electric lamp to where the wire is joined on to the cable." - -"And that causes the fire?" she asked. - -"Oh, of course--it is bound to, sooner or later." - -"I wonder why they don't make it longer then." - -"Oh, that's the way they scamp everything nowadays." - -Only a few days had passed before I heard him telling another lady of -the good luck that had attended the pottering about bookstalls indulged -in by a brother parson in a neighbouring town. - -"He wrote to me a few days ago, to tell me that he had picked up a -genuine 'Breeches' Bible for sixpence," he said; "and only a short time -before he bought a fine Aldine for fourpence. What luck!" - -"Extraordinary," said the lady. "I'm afraid that I forget what a -'Breeches' Bible is, Mr. Tomlinson." He laughed good-naturedly. - -"Pray, what is a 'Breeches' Bible?" she asked coaxingly. - -He was quite ready for her. - -"A 'Breeches' Bible?" he cried. "Oh, a 'Breeches' Bible is the one -that was carried by Cromwell's troopers in their pockets; it was made -specially for carrying about--small, you know, and compact. I remember -reading that several of the soldiers had their lives saved owing to the -bullets having lodged in the volume in their breeches pocket." - -"Not really?" said the lady. "How very interesting! I do believe that I -heard something like that having happened, I forget where." - -I wondered if the Reverend Mr. Tomlinson was not, after all, something -of a humourist--if he was not engaged in that delicate dynamic operation -known as "pulling her leg." I had good reason to know some time -afterwards, however, that there was no foundation for my suspicion in -this direction. He spoke what he imagined must be true, and he was too -lazy to verify his own conclusions. - -When the lady asked him-- - -"And what might be the real value of one of those Bibles?" he replied-- - -"Anything from a thousand pounds up. I believe that one was bought by an -American a short time ago for over four thousand pounds." - -"What! Not really? A thousand pounds?" she cried. "Will you kindly -give me his address? I must write to him for a subscription for our new -bells." - -"For goodness' sake don't tell him that you heard of his good luck from -me," cried Mr. Tomlinson. - - - - -V.--THE ALMONERS - - -[Illustration: 0281] - -The recognised Church charities of Broadminster are numerous and -constantly increasing. To be connected in some way with a charitable -organisation seems to offer an irresistible attraction to some people, -chiefly ladies; and every now and again a new lady starts up in Church -circles with a new scheme of compelling people to accept alms or the -equivalent, or of increasing the usefulness of the Church. The amount of -time these masterful persons expend in reading papers embodying the -most appalling of platitudes of sentiment, and betraying even a more -astounding ignorance of political economy than a Chancellor of the -Exchequer has ever revealed in a Budget speech, is astounding. All these -papers, so far as I can gather, assume that only what their patrons call -"the lower classes" stand in need of the reforms they suggest. They take -it for granted that a cottage-mother, who has had perhaps thirty years' -experience of making a pound a week do duty for twenty-five shillings, -stands in need of instruction at the hands of a mansion-mother who -cannot keep out of debt with an income of a thousand a year. - -If I were a person in authority with a voice in framing the conditions -which must be conformed with by all ladies who put themselves forward in -the advocacy of some of these great social schemes, I would decree that -no lady who uses a tortoiseshell lorgnette with a long handle should -be permitted to read a paper, or to receive the _laissez-passer_ of any -organisation to a house the valuation of which is less than twenty-five -pounds a year. As a medium of insulting patronage, nothing that has -ever been invented approaches in power this particular weapon in the -well-gloved hands of a well-furred, middle-aged lady who studies with -some reason all advertisements addressed to those with a tendency -to stoutness. (I have gone a long way about to avoid hurting the -susceptibilities of any one.) - -Only once did I see an attack with this weapon successfully repulsed. -There was an extremely pretty girl in the centre of the drawing-room, -when a couple of those ladies whose existence I have hinted at entered -and immediately began a frontal attack through the glazed tortoiseshell -with the long handles, and the little forced smiles that accompanied the -movement showed them to be old campaigners. They brought the pretty -girl into focus, conning her from head to foot and exchanging whispered -comments upon the result of their scrutiny. The girl saw them, and, to -paraphrase the poet, they "by tact of trade were well aware that that -girl knew they were looking at her"; but that fact had no effect upon -them. They continued their scrutiny and their whisperings, and I saw the -girl's face become rosy. But then I saw that she was "limbering up" and -would go into action in a moment. - -She did. She was talking to an elder lady, who might have been her -mother, and the latter had one of the same long-handled glasses lying on -her muff. In an instant the girl had possessed herself of it, slipped -it off its swivel, and was using it precisely as the others were using -theirs, only returning their fire, so to speak. Then she whispered -something over her hand to her companion, who laughed outright. That was -enough for the attacking force: their battery was silenced; but the girl -refused to withdraw, and for quite five minutes, I think, they were well -aware that her eyes were upon them. Wherever they went they felt that -they were still within her range, and that her innocent smile was -playing about them. I never saw two more uneasy ladies in my life, and I -trust that they learned their lesson. - -The most singular point in this connection is that the girl was known -to her friends as shy and retiring by nature--a less self-assertive -girl could not be imagined. It seems to me that there is a lesson to be -learned from this fact in addition to that which it is to be hoped she -taught her elders, who certainly did not possess her shyness: it is -the lesson of the rousing of a feminine instinct of defence, which is -exhibited in another form when the defence is that of offspring. Even -the most timid feminine thing will act in direct opposition to its -reputed nature when called on to defend its young; and even the most -retiring girl may assume an offensive attitude under the provocation of -poised tortoiseshell and elevated eyebrows. - -But I am pretty sure that that nice girl, when she went home and was -alone in her room, sang no song of Miriam as she recalled her triumph. -No, if she did not shed some tears at the thought of how she had behaved -in so unaccountable away, I am greatly mistaken. - -The comedy of the administration of charity has yet to be written; but -when such a work is taken in hand I trust that a chapter will be devoted -to the self-denying industry of the Misses Gifford. These two elderly -ladies are the daughters of a deceased jerry-builder, and they enjoy a -large income, the greater portion of which is derived from insanitary -house property; and they are devoted to good works, including the -amelioration of the condition of the poor. Every year they issue -invitations to a show of their good works at their own house, and these -are found to take the form of coarsely knitted woollen socks, thick -mufflers made of the cheapest materials, petticoats constructed out of -blankets that have been consigned to the rag-basket, and aprons out -of tablecloths that have been rescued from the dustbin. Some of -the articles of clothing seem to represent in themselves the -heterogeneousness of a jumble sale, and all are cheap, shoddy, and -shapeless. And yet this pair of feminine philanthropists show all comers -round the room where they are exhibited with sparkling eyes and faces -glowing with proper pride at the result of their industry. They worry -the local newspapers for a paragraph that shall make all the world -acquainted with their benevolence, and now and again their importunity -is rewarded. - -What becomes of the conglomeration of horrors which they create in the -name of charity no one seems to know; but it is impossible to imagine -any self-respecting family so far forgetting what is due to themselves -as to wear such things. For themselves, it is well known that the Misses -Gifford never forget what is due to them, or to insist on its payment on -the day that it becomes due. They have a brother who, without being an -active philanthropist, is well worthy of them. He collects the rents -from their insanitary tenements, and he does so with a ruthless hand. -There is no measure of bluff or bluster of which he is not a master. But -there are scores of people in their own town who see the dear old -maiden ladies in church and say that they remind them of _Cranford_ and -_Quality Street!_ - -But knowing as I did a good deal about them, I was reminded more of an -earlier work still in which the devourers of widows' houses were said to -be Pharisees as well. Such a pair of feminine Pharisees as those whom I -call the Misses Gifford--Gifford is not, of course, their real name--are -hardly to be found outside their own town. - - - - -CHAPTER FIFTEEN--THE CROQUET LAWNS - - - - -I.--A CONGENIAL PURSUIT - -NO MENTION OF BURFORD WOULD BE complete unless two-thirds of -the account were given over to its croquet ground and its croquet -practitioners. - -An exhaustive, or even a perfunctory, reference to sport is out of place -in any description of the lighter side of life in the provinces, for -people in all levels of life take their games very seriously, and -croquet, as played nowadays, is the most serious of pursuits. Clergymen -who practise it habitually seek for relaxation from the strain its -seriousness imposes on them in the pages of the Fathers. It is a matter -of common knowledge that a clergyman in charge of a parish in Burford -invariably writes out his sermons during the three-ball breaks of his -opponents. It is supposed to be _de rigueur_ for a player who has -let his, or her, opponent 'in' to take no interest whatever in that -opponent's strokes when making a break. It is supposed that if you pay -any attention to your opponent's play you may put him, or her, off; and -so scrupulous are some players lest they should put an antagonist off, -they occasionally stroll off the court and return with a bored look only -when they are sent for. But the chivalry of the habitual croquet players -really knows no bounds. Another of their characteristics is absolutely -quixotic. It takes the form of walking off the court as if the game were -already finished when an opponent has yet to make three or four hoops -before pegging-out; the object of such a move being, of course, to give -an opponent more confidence at a critical moment. - -It is a doubtful point, however, and I have never heard it decided by -a referee, if this object is likely to be effected by a losing player -breaking the handle of her mallet across her knee when she has failed -to shoot in; though one cannot doubt that only a spirit of self-denial -actuates such a player as makes a point of placing in the form of -pennies on a chair, at the opposite side of the court from where she -sits, the bisques to which her opponent is entitled, thus putting -herself to the trouble of walking across, interrupting her opponent's -play when the latter had taken a bisque, in order to remove one of the -pennies. - -The people who sneer at croquet are those who have no knowledge of the -game as played nowadays on such courts as there are at Broadminster. -There is no more scientific game, nor is there one that demands a more -unerring judgment, a steadier hand, or a clearer eye. - -Croquet seems to be the ideal game for the freak, the cripple, or the -aged. One of the best players in the neighbourhood is the chaplain to a -lunatic asylum. He has a large amount of practice. - -During the past few years the champion lawns have been invaded by -schoolboys and schoolgirls, with the result that some of the best prizes -have been carried off by them. - -I cannot imagine a more melancholy sight than that of half a dozen -healthy boys, who should be at cricket or lawn-tennis, solemnly and -slowly knocking the balls through the hoops and stolidly going through -the operations of "peeling," "laying up," "wiring," and the like. - - - - -II.--THE PLAYERS - -But even croquet has its lighter moments. I witnessed a match some -time ago between a well-set-up cavalry officer (retired with the rank -of Major-General) and a cub of a lad--a slouching, hulking fellow whose -gait showed that he had never had a day's athletic training. The boy won -and went grinning off the lawns. His mother received him with grins, and -the General walked away in the direction of the river. It occurred to me -that people should keep an eye upon him. But he did not even fling his -mallet into the stream. - -He turned up a little later at another court, and this time he was -victorious. - -But against whom? - -Against a stout elderly lady crippled with rheumatism; and he just -managed to beat her through making a lucky shot! - -It seems to me to be marvellous that, with the possibilities of such -humiliation before players, any except the decrepit should be found -willing to take part in tournaments. - -There can be no doubt, however, as to the absorbing power of croquet -upon certain temperaments. I have met an elderly lady of Early Victorian -proportions who, I am positive, can recollect the details of every match -she has ever played. If she were not able to do so she would sometimes -be compelled to sit in silence, for to her conversation means nothing -beyond a recapitulation of her croquet games. Try her as you may upon -other topics, it is no use. She seems intensely bored if you touch upon -the theatre, and to music and the other arts she is rather more than -indifferent. Indifference might be represented as "scratch," but her -attitude can only be represented by a minus sign. On art she should be a --3, on music a -6, and on literature a -20. These are her handicaps, so -far as I am capable of judging. - -She is the terror of the managers of tournaments, such a hole-and-corner -game as she plays. She never leaves anything to chance: she invariably -sends herself into a corner. Her most dashing game occupies four hours. -It is said that she has strong views on the subject of assimilating the -game of croquet with the game of cricket in regard to the duration of -a match. If it takes three days to play a cricket match, why should not -the same limits be extended to a croquet match? she wishes to know. The -reply that is suggested by the people with whom she has played is that -even at a three-day match she would complain bitterly that she -was hustled by the managers. At present her life seems a perpetual -complaint. During the season she grumbles her way from tournament to -tournament; and when she seats herself by the side of an unwary person -to watch a match, even though it is a final for the cup, she immediately -begins to describe one of her games--it may be one that took place five -years before--and keeps on giving detail after detail of trivialities, -with a complete disregard of the excitements of the court where she is -sitting and the applause of the crowd at some brilliant play--on she -rumbles, unless her unwilling confidant rises and flies for covert. It -takes her even longer to describe one of her games than it does to -play it. Her latest complaint is that croquet players are becoming very -unsociable, the basis of her charge being that when she approaches a -court to sit down and watch a game, the people on the chairs whom she -knows quite well get up and go away. She does not believe that in every -case they do so, as was suggested, to give her a choice of chairs. - -She thinks that those should remain whom she has known for some years. -It does not appear ever to have occurred to her that they get up and fly -because they have known her for some years. - -Another _devotée_ has become so absorbed in her cult as to become upon -occasions an embarrassment to her relations. Of course no one makes any -remark upon a player thinking of nothing besides croquet: it is assumed -that a lady who means to become a player will not waste time thinking -about anything else. - - "Man's croquet is of man's life a thing apart. - - 'Tis woman's sole existence." - -That is acknowledged as only reasonable; but it must sometimes be -embarrassing to the relations of this lady when at a dinner party she -refuses an offered entrée on the ground that she is wired, or when -she checks a neighbour for taking a meringue because he or she has -previously been playing with the green. It appears quite feasible to -me, however, that the green of the salad and the white of the meringue -should suggest to a thoughtful croquet player the need for such a -caution as is attributed to her on good authority; nor do I think it so -very unreasonable that on allowing herself to be carried on a 'bus beyond -her destination, through thinking out a croquet problem, she should, -on being informed by the conductor that the vehicle went no farther, -say--"What a fool I was not to take a bisque sooner!" - -It is said that this same lady caused a considerable flutter in a -railway carriage one day when she was working out another croquet -problem, and was heard to mutter--"Shall I shoot now?" - -Any time I chanced to look in at a croquet tournament on the beautiful -lawns at Broadminster I came away with a laugh, and upon more than -one occasion I found that the laugh was against myself. Long ago I was -accustomed to look with a pathetic interest at the reappearance year -after year of the beautiful mother of a beautiful daughter at the -tournament. Surely, I thought, there could not be a more pathetic sight -than that of a mother with a picturesque home and a husband, setting -out from both, early in the month of June, when the rosery is becoming -a paradise of blossom, and travelling from country town to country town -and from one hotel to another, without intermission until October, for -the sake of being by the side of a daughter who has given up her life to -the game. - -The laugh came in when I found that the mother was more devoted to -looking on at croquet than the girl was to playing the game! The -pathetic figure was really the daughter, who was acting as companion -to her mother to enable her with propriety to gratify her passion for -watching people play croquet. The daughter complained a little at -first, but now she says she has come to see that she should be unselfish -and sink her own inclinations so that her mother may have some innocent -enjoyment. - -She looks very carefully after her mother, and is even able sometimes to -exchange a few words with her at intervals during the day's play. - -Since I found this out I have never allowed myself to be carried away -in pity for one who elects to play the part of onlooker at a game of -croquet. People who spend their time looking on at croquet are deserving -of no pity. - -I have been told that when hospitality is offered to some of the -visitors by people in Broadminster during the tournament week, it is -now not invariably accepted without caution and preliminary inquiry. A -bitter story was imparted to me by a man who had been kindly invited -by one of the inhabitants to stay at his house for the croquet week. My -friend gratefully accepted, and as the whole of the local family were -players, he was brought up to their villa after the first day's play. -He found the house a charming one of its class, and he thought himself -lucky in his billet. Dinner was served, and then the little rift within -the hospitable lute was suggested: there was no wine offered to him! The -hissing of syphons round the table gave expression to his views on the -subject of such hospitality; but what could he say in reply to his host -when the latter turned to him, remarking quite pleasantly--"This is a -teetotal household: no strong drink of any kind is allowed to enter it. -Will you have soda water or Appolinaris?" - -Of course there was nothing to be said by a guest on the subject; but -his host, like so many people professing his principles, had a good deal -to say respecting the virtue of teetotalism. But so far as I was able -to gather from the tone of his narrative, he did not obtain the cordial -concurrence of his guest in all his views; for his guest was in the -habit of taking half a bottle of claret at his dinner every day of his -life and at least one glass of sound port afterwards, and for twenty -years he had not gone to bed without wrapping himself round a tumbler -of grog at the eleventh hour, and he did not find that an exordium on -teetotalism went far to compensate him for the absent decanters. He -was ready to greet the discourse with hisses; but the syphons were -accommodating: they did their own hissing. - -He went to bed in a very bad humour. - -In the morning, however, after family prayers, his host said to him-- - -"I thought I detected an unsatisfied look on your face as you entered -the room, my friend. I think I know the reason of it. I dare say you -have been accustomed to something which you failed to find on the table -in your room. I am sure of it. I have inquired, and I am very sorry for -the omission. But make your mind easy; look on your table to-night, and -I think you will be satisfied." - -This was not so bad, the visitor thought; though not everything, still a -whisky and soda going to bed was better than nothing. - -He had his customary claret at his lunch in the pavilion that day, so -he did not mind the sibilant but unsatisfying syphons at dinner. But he -felt tired that night, he said, and went oft early to bed. - -Switching on the light, he hurried to the table for the promised treat. - -He found that the table bore nothing except a large Bible, bound in -leather! - - - - -CHAPTER SIXTEEN--ART & THE ARTFUL IN THE PROVINCES - - - - -I.--THE ARTISTIC OUTLOOK - -A GOOD MANY PEOPLE ARE OF THE opinion that Art and the appreciation -of Art are making considerable progress in this country, but others are -inclined to be despondent on this subject; and among the most despondent -is an estimable clergyman of a parish some miles from Broadminster. -He told me that he was confirmed in his pessimism by observing the -popularity of the imitation half-timbered, red-brick cottages which -country architects are running up by the hundred in every direction. -"The foundation of all true Art is Truth," he said, "and yet we are -confronted daily with all the falsehood of creosoted laths curving about -ridiculous gables in imitation of the old oak timbering. People hold up -their hands in horror at the recollection of the outside stucco of the -early Victorians; but where is the difference between the immorality of -pretending that bricks are stone and of pretending that creosoted laths -are old timbers?" - -Of course he had many other instances of the inefficiency of the Schools -of Art to fulfil the object of their establishment: there was the villa -fireplace, for example, suggesting that its delicate ornamentation was -of the fine paste of Robert Adam, when it was simply a horrible thing of -cast iron; and what about the prevailing fashion in ladies' dress?... - -It was time, he thought, that steps were taken by men of genuine -artistic feeling to put people on the right track in regard to Art -in daily life; and he expressed to me in confidence the belief that a -change could best be brought about by an appeal to the sense of beauty -inherent in womankind. He begged the co-operation of one of the Minor -Canons at the Cathedral at Broadminster, who had achieved fame on -account of his artistic tendencies, and this gentleman consented to -deliver an address at a specially convened mothers' meeting in the -parish-room of the reformer. - -He kept his promise, as every one knew he would. He delivered an address -on "The Influence of Cimabue on the later works of Donatello" in the -presence of forty-two matrons, nearly all of whom could both read -and write; and it was understood that he proved up to the hilt every -statement that he made, and any of his audience who may have had some -doubt as to the part that Cimabue played in the development of the -genius of Donatello must have left the hall feeling that they could no -longer hesitate in accepting the relative position of the two artists as -defined by the lecturer. - -[Illustration: 0307] - -The next address is, I hear, to be made on the subject of "The -Cinquecento and its Sequel." - -That is the way to popularise Art in the country districts. When once -the wives and mothers of the farm labourers and the shepherds of the -Downs are brought to understand the importance of taking a right view of -Cimabue and the Cinquecento, then Art will become a living thing in this -country--perhaps even sooner: who can tell? - -Equally practical was the response made by a wealthy gentleman who -has recently settled near Brindlington to the appeal of the parson -to contribute something to the loan collection with which he hoped to -second the efforts of the Minor Canon to stimulate an appreciation -of good art in his parish. In charge of a traction-engine of large -horse-power there was brought in a stone-mason's lorry to the door of -the hall a full-size powerful group by Monsieur Rodin, representing an -episode in the life of the most flagrantly humorous faun that ever grew, -or half-grew, out of a rock under the rough-hewing chisel of the great -French artist. At first one did not know that one was looking at a -piece of sculpture--one seemed to be looking into a stone quarry. But -gradually the idea revealed itself, and then one rather wished that it -hadn't. The faun was not one of Nature's gentlemen: you could see that -at once; but after a while, with good luck, you became aware of the fact -that there was a nymph, or what looked like a nymph, scattered about the -quarry--yes, you could see it quite distinctly from certain standpoints, -and when you did you rather hoped that you had been mistaken. It was -a masterpiece that "Group by M. Rodin." It might have been taken for a -freak of Nature herself--one of those fantastic rocks which are supposed -to suggest the head of the first Napoleon or perhaps the Duke of -Wellington wearing his cocked hat, or it may be a huge lizard or, if -properly humped, a kneeling camel. But whatever it was, there stood the -stone quarry brought to the very doors of the hall wherein were "loaned" -all the objects of Art contributed by the less ambitious collectors of -the neighbourhood, and within were six stalwart men preparing to rig up -on a tripod of fifteen-feet ash poles each as thick as a stout tree, a -tackle of chains and pulleys for shifting the thing from the truck to -the rollers by which it was to be coaxed into the building. - -They did not get it beyond the porch. The tiled pavement crumbled -beneath it like glass, and the caretaker of the building was doubtful -about the stability of the floor within. In the porch it remained until -the parson's wife, who had heard the noise of the traction-engine and -felt sure that something was going on, arrived upon the scene. - -She took a glance at the landscape within the porch, and then ordered a -dust-sheet. - -Of course the "Group by M. Rodin" was worth more than all the loans -within the building; but it was not everybody's group. It remained in -the friendly obscurity of the dust-sheet except when some visitor with -inquisitive tendencies begged for a glimpse of it. Then the parson, -averting his eyes, lifted up a corner of the dust-sheet, and remarked -that he was sure that the work would be a noble one when the great -sculptor should have cut away all the superfluous stone that lay in -great masses about the figures; but even in its unfinished condition -anyone could see that it could not weigh much under five or six tons. - -I fancy that the gentleman who had contributed this loan was more of a -humorist than the parson had suspected. - -What I think is the most disappointing feature in connection with the -development of Art in the provinces is the lack of interest shown -in certain districts in the local productions. The producers are not -without honour save in their own county. Of course, if it became a -question of saving money, there would be patrons enough of local art; -but unhappily the possible patrons are incapable of estimating correctly -the money value of such things, and they prefer to give five pounds for -a picture by an artist a distance than two for one by a local man, -even though they might be assured by some one capable of pronouncing an -opinion that the cheaper work was the better. - -A few years ago I was made aware of a curious example of this -characteristic of some places. It occurred to an enterprising -printseller at Broadminster that a spring exhibition of works in black -and white might attract attention and enable him to do some business; -and with the co-operation of some of the London publishers he managed to -get together over two hundred capital examples of modern work, including -some proof etchings by Le Rat, David Law, Frank Short, Legros, -and others. A local lady, who was understood to be a liberal and -well-informed patroness of Art in various forms, visited the exhibition -and was greatly attracted by an etching of a spring landscape. Finding -the price moderate, she bought it and carried it home with her in -her brougham. A week later, however, she returned with it to the -printseller. - -"Is it true that the Cuthbert Tremaine who did this is only a local -man?" she inquired. - -The printseller assured her that she was quite right: Cuthbert -Tremaine's people belonged to the town, and he had been educated at the -Grammar School and the School of Art. - -"Do you think it was quite fair of you to hang that from such a person -among the etchings that co-exibit here?" she asked. - -"He was quite able to hold his own among the best of them," said the -printseller. "He's coming well to the front, I assure you." - -"I don't think that it is at all fair to your customers to try and foist -off upon them the work of a local man," said the lady severely. "An -ordinary local man! I wonder very much at your doing such a thing. I -have brought the etching back to you, and you must change it for me. -You really should have told me that Cuthbert Tremaine was nothing but a -local man." - -So much for the encouragement of local talent in our county. - -Quite recently a more striking instance of this peculiarity was offered -us in a neighbouring town. A local artist held a sale exhibition of -water-colour drawings of scenes within a radius of six miles. There were -perhaps thirty of these, and every one of them was good, and every one -of them was pleasing. There was no suggestion of slovenliness about any, -nor was there a hint of an amateur. They were not the sort of drawings -that might be referred to as "highly creditable"--nobody wants to -possess "highly creditable" things: they must have positive merit, -without taking into consideration the conditions under which they are -done, before any one who knows something about art would wish to possess -them; and the watercolours in this exhibition could certainly claim to -be in this light. - -Well, cards of invitation were sent to some hundreds of possible buyers, -and were heartily responded to, for free exhibitions are very popular -in our neighbourhood, especially those that take the form of a -demonstration of a new breakfast cereal (with samples gratis). But in -the matter of sales the response was not quite so hearty as it might -have been. The artist did not clear five pounds during the fortnight -that his exhibition remained open. - -A month or two later, however, a stranger exhibited a collection of his -drawings in the same town, and although they were infinitely inferior -in almost every way to those of the local man, they found quite a -satisfactory number of purchasers, notwithstanding the fact that there -was not a drawing that was not priced at more than double the sum asked -by the local artist for his sketches. - - - - -II.--ART AND THE SHERIFF - -But before the end of the summer an opportunity was given to -connoisseurs in the same town to acquire, at the expenditure of a few -pounds, a collection of pictures that would do credit to any private -gallery in the kingdom. Announcements appeared placarded on every -dead wall that "by order of the Sheriff" a magnificent collection of -paintings by Turner, Reynolds, Gainsborough, Lawrence, George Morland, -David Cox, and numerous other Masters, as well as drawings by Birket -Foster, Keeley Hallswelle, George Cattermole, and a host of others. -Being a Sheriff's sale this superb collection was to be disposed of -without reserve, and the pictures were to be on view in the spacious -commercial-room of an hotel. - -People flocked to the place where these treasures were hung, and as a -knowledge of pictures is born with most people, they were not slow -to appreciate the fact that at last a chance had come to acquire at a -merely nominal cost pictures by artists of world-wide fame. Most persons -had read of the enormous prices brought by some prints after pictures by -George Morland, but here were the actual pictures themselves in frames -of the finest Dutch metal: no frames protected the high-priced prints -in Christie's! And not merely was Morland highly represented here, but -quite half a dozen exquisite _genre_ pictures by Josef Israels were to -be seen in a row, and it was whispered among the cognoscenti that this -painter had just died and the _Studio_ had contained an eulogistic -article, with illustrations, on his work! Another chance! Of course -Sidney Cooper's "Cows in Canterbury Meadows" spoke for itself. Every -tyro knew that no one could ever paint cattle like Sidney Cooper. And -Birket Foster--no one could ever approach Birket Foster in showing -children swinging on a gate. There was the gate, sure enough, and the -children, and the pet lamb--all the genuine Birket Foster properties. -And "by order of the Sheriff." - -It was a treat to see the _cognoscenti_ examining the pictures, -subjecting individual works to the severest tests of light and -magnifying glasses, and then whispering gravely together in corners on -the subject of their merits. Some of them had pencils, which they -had pressed to their lips while they scrutinised the masterpieces, -preparatory to making notes on their catalogues--all just like a London -picture sale in King Street, St. James's Street, London, W. - -And then some fool came into the room and laughed. He was a man who -pretended to know a lot about pictures, and he was usually disposed to -question the authenticity of things in the possession of everybody but -himself. He glanced around the walls and went away, still laughing, -after being in the place no longer than three minutes. - -That was a trick on his part, the _cognoscenti_ said. He wished to put -them off buying and so make a haul for himself. - -They were confirmed in this belief when the one dealer in the town told -a gentleman, who had come to him with a commission to purchase some of -the pictures, that the man had just been to caution him against buying -any of them on his own account. - -"He said that they are being hawked round from town to town, and that -they are really all fakes--that there is not a genuine picture among the -lot, and that the Sheriff's sale is not a _bona fide_ one, but one of -the oldest tricks of picture fakers." - -But the knowing person said to the dealer--"Does he mean to say that in -a town like this any man would dare to put 'by order of the Sheriff' at -the top of the bill if it was not _bona fide?_He would pretty soon find -himself in trouble. You attend the auction and bid for the numbers that -I have marked in the catalogue." - -The auction came off and was largely attended by the public, but, -strange to say, by not a single outside dealer, only by the local one -who had received many commissions. And a fortnight before an ordinary -sale at a private house in the town, at which half a dozen pictures by -fourth-class artists, and some only "attributed to" these artists, drew -dealers from places fifty and sixty miles away! - -It seemed pretty clear that the Sheriff had not taken a great deal of -trouble to advertise this particular sale--he could not have given it -his personal attention, or perhaps he had never before had a chance of -handling the "fine arts" on so opulent a scale, or the dealers would -certainly not have missed the chance of their lives. - -However this may be, the pictures were bought by the dozen, as much as -six pounds being given for each of the Israels, and a pair of Birket -Foster's fetching ten, frames included in all cases. There was a keen -struggle for the Turner, and it was run up to nine pounds--not by -any means too much for a Turner as things go nowadays. Altogether, -I suppose, about fifty pictures were sold. At the evening sale the -auctioneer announced that a sufficient number had been disposed of to -satisfy the Sheriffs claim, but that a gentleman in the trade had bought -the remainder _en bloc_, and instructed him to put them all up for sale -to the highest bidder; and he would have great pleasure in carrying out -his instructions. On went the bidding down to the last lot, and so -ended a memorable picture sale--probably the last of the kind to be -perpetrated in England, for within a fortnight the gentlemen under whose -direction the enterprise had been carried on from place to place for -several years were arrested, tried, and convicted of perjury in making -an affidavit with intent to deceive the Sheriff of some county and cause -him to issue his writ for the sale of their bogus pictures. Fifteen -months' imprisonment was certainly not too long a sentence for these -practitioners; though really one can have but little sympathy for people -who are such fools as to expect to buy pictures, with a name value of -thousands of pounds, for a few shillings. - -But for several weeks after the sale the fortunate purchasers of the -bogus masterpieces lost no opportunity of exhibiting their treasures. -Teas and At Homes were given to enable their less alert friends to. -appreciate their varied charms, for it was understood in the town that -the educational value of great works of art should not be neglected; -and at the Mayor's Reception a short time afterwards two of the pictures -were exhibited, for the educational benefit of the company, in their -original Dutch-metal frames--the sort that one may buy for half a -crown in a cash chemist's. In these days the man who had laughed at the -private view was referred to in accents of scorn. But he continued to -laugh, even when in the most kindly spirit he was advised by one of -the successful bidders to remember that it was distinctly slanderous to -suggest that a sale conducted under the auspices of the Sheriff of the -county was a bogus affair. Then it was that the critic laughed loudest; -and, so far as I can gather, he is laughing still. - -One interesting point was brought out at the trial of the men. It was in -respect of the actual manufacturer's price of the fraudulent pictures. -The artist who had executed them was put into the box and stated that -he received from five to fifteen shillings for each. The average trade -price of a George Morland worked out at a fraction over seven shillings, -so that to refer to these works as valueless would be wrong: those -purchasers who were fortunate enough to secure good specimens of George -Morland at the sale have the satisfaction of dwelling upon their varied -beauties and reflecting that the actual value of each work is in the -bogus market something between seven shillings and seven and twopence! -(The "Sheriffs Sale" price of a Morland was six pounds.) - - - - -III.--THE COUNTRY PICTURE SALE - -I was once present at a picture sale in a mansion some miles from a -country town in which I lived. There were, I think, three full-length -Gainsboroughs, five Reynoldses, a few Hoppners, two by Peters, and -three or four by Northcote. I was standing in front of a man by the -first-named painter, and was lost in admiration of the firm way in which -the figure was placed on the floor in the picture, when a local dealer -approached me, saying-- - -"Might I have a word with you, sir?" - -Of course I told him to talk away. I knew the man very well. He was one -of those useful dealers of the variety known as "general," from whom one -may occasionally buy a Spode plate worth ten shillings for three, or an -odd ormolu mount for sixpence. - -"We want to know if you believe these to be genuine pictures, sir," said -he. - -"Genuine pictures!" I repeated, being rather puzzled to know just what -he meant; but then I remembered that he was accustomed to attend sales -where pictures labelled "Reynolds," "Gainsborough," "Murillo," "Moroni," -and so forth were sold for whatever they might fetch--usually from -fifteen shillings to a pound, the word "genuine" never being so much as -breathed by anyone. When I recollected this I laughed and said--"Make -your mind easy. If these are not genuine pictures you will never see any -come under the hammer." - -"And what do you think they will fetch?" he inquired. - -"I could not give you the slightest idea," I replied; "but if you can -get me that one in front of us for five hundred pounds I'll give you -twenty-five per cent, commission." - -He was staggered. - -"Five hundred!" he cried. "You must be joking, sir." - -"I admit it," said I. "I should have said a thousand." - -"But really, sir, how far would we be safe to go for them all? There are -four of us here, and we are ready to make a dash for them if we had your -opinion about them." - -"Look here, my good man," said I. "You may reckon on my giving you five -hundred pounds for any picture in this room that is knocked down to you. -I'll put that in writing for you if you wish." - -"It's not necessary, sir," he repeated. "We'll buy the lot of them for -you for less money." - -"Do, and I shall be a rich man afterwards," said I. - -He went away chuckling. - -The next day the auctioneer, who was an Irishman, after disposing of -several lots of ordinary things, reached the pictures. - -"I needn't say anything about them," he remarked. "They speak for -themselves: I think you'll all agree with me that there's not one of -them that isn't a speaking likeness. What shall we say for this one--No. -137 in the catalogue, "Lady Betty--------," by Sir Joshua Reynolds? Look -at her, ladies and gentlemen, and tell me if you think there are many -artists in this county who could do anything better than this--all hand -painted, and guaranteed. What shall we say?" - -"A pound," suggested my dealer quite boldly. The auctioneer turned a -cold eye upon him for a moment, and then I saw that there was a twinkle -on its glossy surface. - -"Very well, sir," he said. "A pound is bid for the picture--twenty-five -shillings, thirty shillings, thirty-five, two pounds--thank you, sir; -we're getting on--two-ten; I'm obliged to you, ma'am--three pounds -ten--three pounds ten--three pounds ten bid for the portrait of Lady -Betty. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, wouldn't it be a shame if such a -picture was to be knocked down for seventy shillings and it worth nearly -as many pounds. Four pounds--thank you, sir. The bidding is against you, -ma'am. Well, if there's no advance----" - -It was my dealer who had made the last bid, and I must confess that for -some seconds I actually fancied that I was to be placed in possession of -a Reynolds for four pounds! - -[Illustration: 0317] - -"Four pounds--going at four pounds," came the voice of the auctioneer. -"If there's no advance--going at four pounds--going--for the last -time--five hundred--six hundred--seven hundred--a thousand--fifteen -hundred--two thousand--guineas--five hundred--guineas--three -thousand--guineas--going for three thousand guineas, ladies and -gentle-men, it's giving the picture away that I am; but still the times -are bad. Going at three thousand guineas--going--going--Mr. Agnew." - -The hammer fell, and everyone was laughing except the Irish auctioneer -and my dealer. - -"Perhaps our dashing friend will give me an advance of thirty shillings -on the next lot--Ralph, first Earl of--------," said the former, -glancing toward the latter with an insinuating smile. - -The latter forced his way toward the nearest door, leaving Lot 132 to be -started by a London dealer at a thousand pounds. - -My disappointed friend had never been at a great sale in his life, and -he had certainly not suspected that the gentlemen wearing the silk -hats were like himself, dealers--only on perhaps a somewhat more heroic -scale. - - - - -IV.--HUMOURS OF THE ROSTRUM - -The humours of the auction-room deserve to be dealt with more fully -than is in my power to treat them. Though an auctioneer's fun is -sometimes a little forced, its aim being to keep his visitors in a good -temper with him--for he knows that every time that he knocks something -down to one person he hurts the feelings of the runner-up--still, -now and again, something occurs to call for a witty comment, and -occasionally a ludicrous incident may brighten up the monotonous -reiteration of slowly increasing sums of money. I have heard that long -ago most lords of the rostrum were what used to be called "characters," -and got on the friendliest terms with the people on the floor. But now I -fear that there is no time for such amenities, though I heard one of the -profession say, announcing a new "lot"--"Hallo, what have we here? 'Lot -67--Adams Bed.' Ladies and gentlemen, there's a genuine antiquity for -you--Adam's Bed! I shouldn't wonder if the quilt was worked by Eve -herself, though I believe she was better at aprons." - -The auctioneer as a rule, however, hurries from lot to lot without -wasting time referring to the charm of any one in particular. I cannot -understand how they avoid doing so sometimes when a beautiful work of -art is brought to the front. - -But in the old days I believe that now and again a trick was resorted -to with a view to arouse the interest of possible purchasers in the -business of the day. I know of such a little comedy being played with -a good deal of spirited action in an auction-room in a large townin the -Midlands. An Irish dealer was in the habit of sending round from time -to time as much stuff as a large furniture van would hold, to be offered -for sale by auction. Of course he placed a reserve on every article, and -if this figure was not reached in one town, he packed up the thing, to -give it a chance in the next; so that within a few weeks he managed to -get rid of a large number of things at quite remunerative prices. It so -happened, however, that he wanted money badly when he reached the -town where he began his operations, and he made a confidant of the -auctioneer, who promised to do his best in regard to the goods. The -articles were consequently displayed in the rooms, and a considerable -number of people assembled before the auctioneer mounted the rostrum. -The bidding was, however, very spiritless, and the first dozen lots were -knocked down to imaginary buyers at imaginary figures; but just when the -thirteenth lot was exhibited there appeared at the farther end of the -room a rather excited figure. - -"Stop the sale," he cried. "I'm not going to stand passively by while -you give my goods away. I don't mind a reasonable sacrifice, but I'm not -going to submit to such a massacre as has been going on here up to the -present. Stop the sale!" - -"Look you here, Mr. O'Shaughnessy," said the auctioneer. "Massacre or -no massacre, I received instructions from you to sell your stuff without -reserve, and sell it I will, whatever you may say." - -"You'll do nothing of the sort, I tell you," cried the Irishman. "Come -down from that reading-desk and don't continue to make a fool of me. I'm -not going to see my things thrown away. You know what they are worth as -well as I do, and yet you knock them down for a quarter their value!" - -"Now, my good man, if you don't get out of this room I'll have to take -stronger measures with you," said the auctioneer. "I know that the stuff -is all that you say it is; but that's nothing to me: the highest bidder -will get the best of it, whether he bids to half the value or a quarter -the value for that matter. You are making a fool of yourself, Mr. -O'Shaughnessy, but you won't make a fool of me. I'm here to sell, and -sell I shall. Now sit down or leave the premises." - -"I'll not sit down. I tell you I'll not----" - -"Porter," cried the auctioneer, "turn that gentleman out, and if he -won't go quietly call a policeman. You hear?" - -A couple of stalwart porters approached the vendor, saying soothing -words; but he refused to move, and they had to force him to the door. -They did so, however, as tenderly as possible; though he kept on -shouting, as he went reluctantly backward step by step, that the -auctioneer was in a conspiracy to ruin him, allowing his goods to be -taken away for nothing. At last he was in the street and the door was -closed. "Ladies and gentlemen," said the auctioneer, "I must apologise -for this scene. Such a thing never happened in my mart before, and I -hope it will never happen again. But I know my position, and I've no -intention of breaking faith with the public, whatever that man may do or -say. I hope you'll excuse him; he is really the best judge of antiques -I ever met, but when he gets a drop of drink there's no holding him in. -Now, gentlemen, he'll not disturb us again, and with your leave I'll -proceed with the sale. I'll do my duty by you, and I'll do my duty by -him, whether he has insulted me or not. He maybe an excitable Irishman, -but that's no reason why we shouldn't do our best for him. Fair play, -ladies and gentlemen, fair play to everybody. We must not allow our -prejudices to blind us. You know as well as I do that the stuff is the -finest that has ever come to this town, though the vendor would be safer -in the hands of the police than prowling about as he has been. Now where -were we?--ah, Lot 13--'Chippendale mirror, carved wood, gilt.' There's a -work of art for you. Where did he get hold of such a thing, anyway? What -shall we say for it?" - -The thing started at a figure actually above the reserve price that Mr. -O'Shaughnessy had placed upon it, and the bidding went on with a rush. -The next lot--two ribbon-carved mahogany arm-chairs--seemed to be badly -wanted by some one. They were knocked down at a figure twenty-five -percent, beyond the reserve. So it was with everything else in the -collection. Never had there been a more successful sale in the same -rooms. - -[Illustration:0327] - -So, at least, the auctioneer confessed to the vendor as they dined -together that evening, and the auctioneer was in private life a truthful -man, though not always so rigid in the rostrum. - - - - -V. THE ARTFUL AND GOLDSTEIN - -Upon another occasion, in the same town, there was a dealer's sale at -an auction mart, and it went off pretty well, though naturally a good -many lots remained undisposed of at the close, for on every article -there was a reserve price representing the profit to accrue to the -vendor, with the auctioneer's usual ten per cent. One of the unsold -pictures had attracted the attention of a gentleman who had bid as far -as twelve pounds for it, and when the sale was over he remained in the -mart waiting to see if it should be claimed by a dealer, so that he -might have a chance of getting it at a slight advance. - -But the auctioneer very frankly confided in him that it had not been -sold: the vendor, unfortunately, knew a good deal about pictures and had -put a pretty stiff reserve on it. At this moment a local dealer showed -signs of being also attracted by the picture. He stood in front of it, -and seemed to be assessing its value to the nearest penny. After a few -moments he jerked his head to bring the auctioneer to his side, and with -a word of apology to the possible purchaser the auctioneer went to the -man. - -They had a whispered conversation together, but every whisper was -clearly audible to the layman. - -"Look here," said the dealer, "you know that I bid up to eighteen pounds -for that picture. Well, I'm willing to go to the length of twenty for -it, if you're selling it privately." - -"I'm sorry I can't oblige you, Mr. Goldstein," said the auctioneer. "You -know as well as I do who the vendor is, and you know that he is as good -a judge of a picture as any man living. You know that the picture is -worth money." - -"Now what's the good of talking to me like that?" said Mr. Goldstein. -"I don't deny that the picture is a good one--one of the best you ever -handled--but a man must live. I believe I have a customer for that -thing, but I look to make a bit off it for myself, and I must have it -cheap." - -"And isn't twenty-five pounds cheap for such a work?" asked the -auctioneer. - -"I don't deny it," replied the dealer, "and that's just what I expect to -get for it; but where do I come in in the transaction if I pay you that -for it? Do you fancy I stick in auction-rooms all day by the doctor's -orders? I'll give you twenty-three pounds for the picture, and if you -can't let me have it for that you may burn it." - -The auctioneer laughed and walked away without condescending to reply, -and with a grimace of ill-humour Mr. Goldstein left the auction-room. - -"Who is that person?" asked the would-be purchaser. - -"His name is Goldstein," replied the auctioneer. "He's a picture dealer, -and about as knowing as they are made. He has been nibbling at this ever -since it was left with me. Of course he'll come back for it. He's no -fool. He knows a good thing when he sees it." - -The auctioneer strolled down the room to his office, leaving the -gentleman to digest the information which he had given him. - -Now the gentleman was quite an astute person, and it did not take him -long to perceive that a picture that is worth twenty-three pounds to a -dealer named Goldstein is certainly worth twenty-five to a layman, so -the auctioneer was not surprised when he entered his office, saying-- - -"Did you say that twenty-five pounds was the reserve for that picture?" - -"That's the vendor's reserve, sir." - -"All right. I'll take it at that," said the gentleman. - -"Very good, sir," said the auctioneer, and he smiled knowingly as he -added, "I may tell you that Goldstein offered me twenty-three for it -just now. He'll be back with me offering twenty-five within the hour. I -can imagine his face when he hears that it's gone." - -His shrewdness did not deceive him. Mr. Goldstein was back at the mart -within half an hour, with inquiries about the picture, and it was with -an air of triumph that the auctioneer told him that it had been sold. It -is also quite likely that the look which he said he would like to see on -Mr. Goldstein's face when he heard that the picture was sold was exactly -the one which was worn by Mr. Goldstein, though it might not be just -the one which the purchaser of the picture would associate with an -expression of chagrin on the face of a person named Goldstein. - -The truth was that Mr. Goldstein was grinning quite pleasantly; for Mr. -Goldstein was the vendor of the work of art, which he had bought for -four pounds and had disposed of for twenty-five, less auction fees! - -This auctioneer was an unusually clever man. He was heard to confide in -a friend his impression that the town he lived in was not sufficiently -large to give his genius a chance of being displayed to the full; and -that was possibly why a short time afterwards he went to London and -started business in one of the most central thoroughfares. - -Within six months he was prosecuted for selling bogus Bechsteins, -convicted, and sentenced to a term of imprisonment for an offence which -at one time was a serious menace to the piano trade. - - - - -VI.--TRICKS AND TRICKS - -I have heard it debated with great seriousness whether a fine art -dealer in a commercial town, where the finer arts are neglected, is -not entitled to resort to a method of disposing of his goods which some -people might be disposed to term trickery. Personally, I think any form -of trickery having money for its object is indefensible. But there are -tricks and tricks, and what will be chuckled over by some businessmen as -"a good stroke of business" may, if submitted to a jury, be pronounced a -fraud, and it appears to me that people are becoming more exacting -every day in their fine art dealings. They seem to expect that a picture -dealer will tell them all he knows about any picture that he offers -them, and, should they consent to buy it, that he will let them have -it at the price he paid for it. Should they find out, after they have -completed the purchase, that he made any statement to them that was not -strictly accurate, they bring an action against him. How such people -would be laughed at if they were to bring an action against the vendor -of a patent medicine for having stated on the bottle that it would cure -gout, neuralgia, and neuritis, when they had tried it and found that -it would do nothing of the sort! There was a pill made during the -eighteenth century which was guaranteed to prevent earthquakes. Some -time ago I heard it seriously urged, on behalf of an American patent -medicine, that when the half of San Francisco had been laid in ruins by -an earthquake, the building where the medicine was manufactured remained -undisturbed! - -But until recent years a pretty free hand was allowed to dealers -in works of art. I remember being in a shop--called a gallery--in a -provincial town in which a good deal of "restoration" in the picture way -was effected. The proprietor had a drawerful of labels each bearing the -name of a good old Master done in black on a gold ground, and when a -work was "restored" to his satisfaction, he turned over the labels until -he found one to suit its style. Then he nailed it very neatly on to the -frame, and the picture was ready for sale as a Moroni, a Velasquez, a -Tintoretto, or a Titian, as the case might be. The man was an excellent -judge of pictures and prints, and I do not believe that he ever got a -picture painted on an old canvas to sell as a genuine work. He simply -bought all the good old pictures that he thought worth buying and -"touched them up." People bought them on chance, the wise ones asking no -questions "for conscience' sake"--the conscience of the vendor; and I -am pretty sure that many genuine pictures passed through his hands--some -that were worth from a hundred to five hundred pounds apiece for a tenth -of the smaller sum. - -He saw the humour of his labels better than anyone else, I think. He -never gave an audible laugh when I used to inquire if he could provide -me with a really choice Rembrandt for thirty shillings; he pretended to -take me seriously, and, shaking his head, he would say-- - -"Rembrandts with any pedigree are getting scarcer and scarcer every -year, sir. You wouldn't feel justified in going as far as two pounds if -you saw one that you took a fancy to, I suppose? No? Well, I'll see -what I can do for you at your price, but I may tell you that it's rather -below than above the figure for a genuine hand-painted Rembrandt." - -One day two gentlemen called when I was in the gallery--a major in the -Gunners and a brother officer. - -"Morning," said the former. "I hope you got the frame in order." - -"Yes, sir," replied the dealer, bustling off to where a picture was -lying with its face down on a bench. He picked it up and bore it to an -easel, on which he placed it in a moderately good light. "That's it, -sir. I happened to lay my hands on a more suitable frame, so I didn't -trouble with the old one; it's impossible to put a touch of gold leaf on -an old frame without making it look patchy." - -"I think that's a far better frame than the old one," said the major. "I -brought my friend in to look at the picture. Who did you say it was by?" - -"Rubens, sir--an early Rubens, I think it is." - -"Ah yes, that was the name. Looks well, doesn't it?" said the officer to -his friend. - -"Very well indeed. I never saw anything that took my fancy better," said -the other. "Look at that silk--rippin', I call it--absolutely rippin'." - -"I thought you'd like it," said the major. "There's nothing looks -so well in a room as a good old picture. But, of course, it's easy -overdoing that sort of thing." - -"Nothing easier--like those American Johnnies," acquiesced his friend. -"Yes, a rippin' picture, I call that--good colour, you know, but all well -toned down. Do you know what it is--I've a great mind to have one too." - -"Good!" cried the major. "You really couldn't do better, you know--six -guineas, frame included." - -"I believe you're right. Yes, I'll take one too," said the other, -turning to the dealer, who was standing silently by. - -"Very good, sir," said the dealer. "I'll look one out for you by -to-morrow afternoon, if that would suit you." - -"Suit me well. Six guineas in the frame, I suppose?" - -"Yes, sir, six guineas, unless---- Would you like a pair of them, sir? I -might be able to take a little off for a pair." - -The grave way in which he suggested a pair of Rubenses, as if it were -customary to sell Rubenses in braces like pheasants, was too much for -my nerves. I looked at my watch and made for the door, and I hope that I -was well round the corner before I burst out. - -I heard afterwards that the officer had no use for a brace of Rubenses; -but he bought a nice little Dutch village scene, by a painter named -Teniers, for three pounds. It was not signed by the artist; but I have -no doubt, if he had made a point of it, the dealer would have obliged -him: the work of restoration frequently includes the restoring of an -artist's signature. - -So it was impressed on me that there is a humorous side even to picture -dealing in the provinces. - -That incident, I repeat, took place in the good old days; but if one -gives some attention to the law courts even nowadays one will find -plenty to laugh at in connection with transactions in the fine arts. It -was certainly very amusing to see some year or two ago, the examples of -fine old Dresden which were displayed as "exhibits"--in the legal, not -the exhibition, sense--in the law courts, all of which were pronounced -spurious by the experts, though sold for many thousand pounds to a -wealthy old tradesman, and to follow the story of every transaction. But -I found it more amusing still to identify the various pieces with the -illustrations contained in aback number of a leading magazine of art -which had devoted several pages to a description of the magnificent -Dresden collection of the old tradesman. What had been referred to as -the gems of the cabinets were the very things that were produced in the -Court as examples of the spurious! - - - - - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Lighter Side of English Life, by -Frank Frankfort Moore - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIGHTER SIDE OF ENGLISH LIFE *** - -***** This file should be named 51927-8.txt or 51927-8.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/1/9/2/51927/ - -Produced by David Widger from page images generously -provided by the Internet Archive - - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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