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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/5219-h.zip b/5219-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d9f8e13 --- /dev/null +++ b/5219-h.zip diff --git a/5219-h/5219-h.htm b/5219-h/5219-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cab0a15 --- /dev/null +++ b/5219-h/5219-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,2405 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>THE SATYRICON, Vol. 2</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> + +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {background:#faebd7; margin:10%; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; } + HR { width: 33%; text-align: center; } + blockquote { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; } + .toc { margin-left: 15%; margin-bottom: 0em;} + CENTER { padding: 10px;} + // --> +</style> + + +</head> +<body> + +<h2>THE SATYRICON of Petronius, Vol.2</h2> +<pre> +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Satyricon, Vol. 2 (The Dinner of +Trimalchio), by Petronius Arbiter + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Satyricon, Vol. 2 (The Dinner of Trimalchio) + +Author: Petronius Arbiter + +Release Date: May 22, 2004 [EBook #5219] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SATYRICON, VOL. 2 *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + + + + + + +<br><hr> +<br><br><br><br><br><br> + +<center> +<h1> + <a name="PREFACE">THE SATYRICON OF</a> +<br> PETRONIUS ARBITER +</h1> +</center> + +<br> +<br> + <center><h3>Volume 2.</h3></center> + +<br> +<br> +<center> +<a name="bookspine"></a><img alt="bookspine.jpg (92K)" src="images/bookspine.jpg" height="1182" width="650"> +</center> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + + +<blockquote> +<i>Complete and unexpurgated translation by W. C. Firebaugh, +in which are incorporated the forgeries of Nodot and Marchena, +and the readings introduced into the text by De Salas.</i></blockquote> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<center> +<a name="pfront"></a><img alt="pfront.jpg (108K)" src="images/pfront.jpg" height="829" width="599"> +</center> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + + + + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<br> +<br> +<blockquote> +<p class="toc"><big><b>ILLUSTRATIONS</b></big></p><br /> + + +<p><a href="#p066">The Procession</a> +<p><a href="#p070">The Guilty Slave</a> +<p><a href="#p080">Fortunata</a> +<p><a href="#p090">Encolpius</a> +<p><a href="#p116">The Rope Dancers</a> +<p><a href="#p130">The Homerists</a> +<p><a href="#p144">The Entry of Habinnas</a> +<p><a href="#p148">Fortunata and Habinnas</a> +<p><a href="#p154">Fortunata Dancing</a> +<p><a href="#p162">The Bath</a> +<p><a href="#p164">The Disturbance</a> +</blockquote> + + + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> + <h1><a name="THE SATYRICON"></a>THE SATYRICON OF</h1> + <h1>PETRONIUS ARBITER</h1> +</center> + +<br> +<br> + <center><h3>Volume 2.</h3></center> +<br> +<br> +<br> + + +<blockquote> +<p><i><b>BRACKET CODE:</b></i></p> +<p><i>(Forgeries of Nodot)</i></p> +<p><i>[Forgeries of Marchena]</i></p> +<p><i>{Additions of De Salas}</i></p> +<p><i> DW</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<center> + +<h1>THE DINNER OF TRIMALCHIO</h1> +</center> +<br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE TWENTY-SEVENTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Having put on our clothes, in the meantime, we commenced to stroll around +and soon, the better to amuse ourselves, approached the circle of +players; all of a sudden we caught sight of a bald-headed old fellow, +rigged out in a russet colored tunic, playing ball with some long haired +boys. It was not so much the boys who attracted our attention, although +they might well have merited it, as it was the spectacle afforded by this +beslippered paterfamilias playing with a green ball. If one but touched +the ground, he never stooped for it to put it back in play; for a slave +stood by with a bagful from which the players were supplied. We noted +other innovations as well, for two eunuchs were stationed at opposite +sides of the ring, one of whom held a silver chamber-pot, the other +counted the balls; not those which bounced back and forth from hand to +hand, in play, but those which fell to the ground. While we were +marveling at this display of refinement, Menelaus rushed up, "He is the +one with whom you will rest upon your elbow," he panted, "what you see +now, is only a prelude to the dinner." Menelaus had scarcely ceased +speaking when Trimalchio snapped his fingers; the eunuch, hearing the +signal, held the chamber-pot for him while he still continued playing. +After relieving his bladder, he called for water to wash his hands, +barely moistened his fingers, and dried them upon a boy's head. + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p066"></a><img alt="p066.jpg (80K)" src="images/p066.jpg" height="837" width="567"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE TWENTY-EIGHTH. +</h2><br> +<p>To go into details would take too long. We entered the bath, finally, +and after sweating for a minute or two in the warm room, we passed +through into the cold water. But short as was the time, Trimalchio had +already been sprinkled with perfume and was being rubbed down, not with +linen towels, however, but with cloths made from the finest wool. +Meanwhile, three masseurs were guzzling Falernian under his eyes, and +when they spilled a great deal of it in their brawling, Trimalchio +declared they were pouring a libation to his Genius. He was then wrapped +in a coarse scarlet wrap-rascal, and placed in a litter. Four runners, +whose liveries were decorated with metal plates, preceded him, as also +did a wheel-chair in which rode his favorite, a withered, blear eyed +slave, even more repulsive looking than his master. A singing boy +approached the head of his litter, as he was being carried along, and +played upon small pipes the whole way, just as if he were communicating +some secret to his master's ear. Marveling greatly, we followed, and met +Agamemnon at the outer door, to the post of which was fastened a small +tablet bearing this inscription: + +<center> +<p> NO SLAVE TO LEAVE THE PREMISES +<p> WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM THE MASTER. +<p> PENALTY ONE HUNDRED LASHES. +</center> + +<p>In the vestibule stood the porter, clad in green and girded with a +cherry-colored belt, shelling peas into a silver dish. Above the +threshold was suspended a golden cage, from which a black and white +magpie greeted the visitors. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE TWENTY-NINTH. +</h2><br> +<p>I almost fell backwards and broke my legs while staring at all this, for +to the left, as we entered, not far from the porter's alcove, an enormous +dog upon a chain was painted upon the wall, and above him this +inscription, in capitals: + +<center> +<p> BEWARE THE DOG. +</center> + +<p>My companions laughed, but I plucked up my courage and did not hesitate, +but went on and examined the entire wall. There was a scene in a slave +market, the tablets hanging from the slaves' necks, and Trimalchio +himself, wearing his hair long, holding a caduceus in his hand, entering +Rome, led by the hand of Minerva. Then again the painstaking artist had +depicted him casting up accounts, and still again, being appointed +steward; everything being explained by inscriptions. Where the walls +gave way to the portico, Mercury was shown lifting him up by the chin, +to a tribunal placed on high. Near by stood Fortune with her horn of +plenty, and the three Fates, spinning golden flax. I also took note of a +group of runners, in the portico, taking their exercise under the eye of +an instructor, and in one corner was a large cabinet, in which was a very +small shrine containing silver Lares, a marble Venus, and a golden casket +by no means small, which held, so they told us, the first shavings of +Trimalchio's beard. I asked the hall-porter what pictures were in the +middle hall. "The Iliad and the Odyssey," he replied, "and the +gladiatorial games given under Laenas." There was no time in which to +examine them all. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTIETH.</h2> +<br> +<p>We had now come to the dining-room, at the entrance to which sat a +factor, receiving accounts, and, what gave me cause for astonishment, +rods and axes were fixed to the door-posts, superimposed, as it were, +upon the bronze beak of a ship, whereon was inscribed: + +<center> +<p> TO GAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO +<p> AUGUSTAL, SEVIR +<p> FROM CINNAMUS HIS +<p> STEWARD. +</center> + +<p>A double lamp, suspended from the ceiling, hung beneath the inscription, +and a tablet was fixed to each door-post; one, if my memory serves me, +was inscribed, + +<center> +<p> ON DECEMBER THIRTIETH AND +<p> THIRTY FIRST +<p> OUR +<p> GAIUS DINES OUT +</center> + +<p>the other bore a painting of the moon in her phases, and the seven +planets, and the days which were lucky and those which were unlucky, +distinguished by distinctive studs. We had had enough of these novelties +and started to enter the dining-room when a slave, detailed to this duty, +cried out, "Right foot first." Naturally, we were afraid that some of us +might break some rule of conduct and cross the threshold the wrong way; +nevertheless, we started out, stepping off together with the right foot, +when all of a sudden, a slave who had been stripped, threw himself at our +feet, and commenced begging us to save him from punishment, as it was no +serious offense for which he was in jeopardy; the steward's clothing had +been stolen from him in the baths, and the whole value could scarcely +amount to ten sesterces. So we drew back our right feet and intervened +with the steward, who was counting gold pieces in the hall, begging him +to remit the slave's punishment. Putting a haughty face on the matter, +"It's not the loss I mind so much," he said, "as it is the carelessness +of this worthless rascal. He lost my dinner clothes, given me on my +birthday they were, by a certain client, Tyrian purple too, but it had +been washed once already. But what does it amount to? I make you a +present of the scoundrel!" + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p070"></a><img alt="p070.jpg (71K)" src="images/p070.jpg" height="723" width="565"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-FIRST. +</h2><br> +<p>We felt deeply obligated by his great condescension, and the same +slave for whom we had interceded, rushed up to us as we entered the +dining-room, and to our astonishment, kissed us thick and fast, voicing +his thanks for our kindness. "You'll know in a minute whom you did a +favor for," he confided, "the master's wine is the thanks of a grateful +butler!" At length we reclined, and slave boys from Alexandria poured +water cooled with snow upon our hands, while others following, attended +to our feet and removed the hangnails with wonderful dexterity, nor were +they silent even during this disagreeable operation, but they all kept +singing at their work. I was desirous of finding out whether the whole +household could sing, so I ordered a drink; a boy near at hand instantly +repeated my order in a singsong voice fully as shrill, and whichever one +you accosted did the same. You would not imagine that this was the +dining-room of a private gentleman, but rather that it was an exhibition +of pantomimes. A very inviting relish was brought on, for by now all the +couches were occupied save only that of Trimalchio, for whom, after a new +custom, the chief place was reserved. + +<p>On the tray stood a donkey made of Corinthian bronze, bearing panniers +containing olives, white in one and black in the other. Two platters +flanked the figure, on the margins of which were engraved Trimalchio's +name and the weight of the silver in each. Dormice sprinkled with +poppy-seed and honey were served on little bridges soldered fast to the +platter, and hot sausages on a silver gridiron, underneath which were +damson plums and pomegranate seeds. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-SECOND. +</h2><br> +<p>We Were in the midst of these delicacies when, to the sound of music, +Trimalchio himself was carried in and bolstered up in a nest of small +cushions, which forced a snicker from the less wary. A shaven poll +protruded from a scarlet mantle, and around his neck, already muffled +with heavy clothing, he had tucked a napkin having a broad purple stripe +and a fringe that hung down all around. On the little finger of his left +hand he wore a massive gilt ring, and on the first joint of the next +finger, a smaller one which seemed to me to be of pure gold, but as a +matter of fact it had iron stars soldered on all around it. And then, +for fear all of his finery would not be displayed, he bared his right +arm, adorned with a golden arm-band and an ivory circlet clasped with a +plate of shining metal. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-THIRD. +</h2><br> +<p>Picking his teeth with a silver quill, "Friends," said he, "it was not +convenient for me to come into the dining-room just yet, but for fear my +absence should cause you any inconvenience, I gave over my own pleasure: +permit me, however, to finish my game." A slave followed with a +terebinth table and crystal dice, and I noted one piece of luxury that +was superlative; for instead of black and white pieces, he used gold and +silver coins. He kept up a continual flow of various coarse expressions. +We were still dallying with the relishes when a tray was brought in, on +which was a basket containing a wooden hen with her wings rounded and +spread out as if she were brooding. Two slaves instantly approached, and +to the accompaniment of music, commenced to feel around in the straw. +They pulled out some pea-hen's eggs, which they distributed among the +diners. Turning his head, Trimalchio saw what was going on. "Friends," +he remarked. "I ordered pea-hen's eggs set under the hen, but I'm afraid +they're addled, by Hercules I am let's try them anyhow, and see if +they're still fit to suck." We picked up our spoons, each of which +weighed not less than half a pound, and punctured the shells, which were +made of flour and dough, and as a matter of fact, I very nearly threw +mine away for it seemed to me that a chick had formed already, but upon +hearing an old experienced guest vow, "There must be something good +here," I broke open the shell with my hand and discovered a fine fat +fig-pecker, imbedded in a yolk seasoned with pepper. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-FOURTH. +</h2><br> +<p>Having finished his game, Trimalchio was served with a helping of +everything and was announcing in a loud voice his willingness to join +anyone in a second cup of honied wine, when, to a flourish of music, the +relishes were suddenly whisked away by a singing chorus, but a small dish +happened to fall to the floor, in the scurry, and a slave picked it up. +Seeing this, Trimalchio ordered that the boy be punished by a box on the +ear, and made him throw it down again; a janitor followed with his broom +and swept the silver dish away among the litter. Next followed two +long-haired Ethiopians, carrying small leather bottles, such as are commonly +seen in the hands of those who sprinkle sand in the arena, and poured +wine upon our hands, for no one offered us water. When complimented upon +these elegant extras, the host cried out, "Mars loves a fair fight: and +so I ordered each one a separate table: that way these stinking slaves +won't make us so hot with their crowding." Some glass bottles carefully +sealed with gypsum were brought in at that instant; a label bearing this +inscription was fastened to the neck of each one: + + +<center> +<p> OPIMIAN FALERNIAN +<p> ONE HUNDRED YEARS OLD. +</center> + +<p>While we were studying the labels, Trimalchio clapped his hands and +cried, "Ah me! To think that wine lives longer than poor little man. +Let's fill 'em up! There's life in wine and this is the real Opimian, +you can take my word for that. I offered no such vintage yesterday, +though my guests were far more respectable." We were tippling away and +extolling all these elegant devices, when a slave brought in a silver +skeleton, so contrived that the joints and movable vertebra could be +turned in any direction. He threw it down upon the table a time or two, +and its mobile articulation caused it to assume grotesque attitudes, +whereupon Trimalchio chimed in: + +<blockquote> + +<br> "Poor man is nothing in the scheme of things +<br> And Orcus grips us and to Hades flings +<br> Our bones! This skeleton before us here +<br> Is as important as we ever were! +<br> Let's live then while we may and life is dear." +</blockquote> + + + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-FIFTH. +</h2><br> + +<p>The applause was followed by a course which, by its oddity, drew every +eye, but it did not come up to our expectations. There was a circular +tray around which were displayed the signs of the zodiac, and upon each +sign the caterer had placed the food best in keeping with it. Ram's +vetches on Aries, a piece of beef on Taurus, kidneys and lamb's fry on +Gemini, a crown on Cancer, the womb of an unfarrowed sow on Virgo, an +African fig on Leo, on Libra a balance, one pan of which held a tart and +the other a cake, a small seafish on Scorpio, a bull's eye on +Sagittarius, a sea lobster on Capricornus, a goose on Aquarius and two +mullets on Pisces. In the middle lay a piece of cut sod upon which +rested a honeycomb with the grass arranged around it. An Egyptian slave +passed bread around from a silver oven and in a most discordant voice +twisted out a song in the manner of the mime in the musical farce called +Laserpitium. Seeing that we were rather depressed at the prospect of +busying ourselves with such vile fare, Trimalchio urged us to fall to: +"Let us fall to, gentlemen, I beg of you, this is only the sauce!" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-SIXTH. +</h2><br> +<p>While he was speaking, four dancers ran in to the time of the music, +and removed the upper part of the tray. Beneath, on what seemed to be +another tray, we caught sight of stuffed capons and sows' bellies, and in +the middle, a hare equipped with wings to resemble Pegasus. At the +corners of the tray we also noted four figures of Marsyas and from their +bladders spouted a highly spiced sauce upon fish which were swimming +about as if in a tide-race. All of us echoed the applause which was +started by the servants, and fell to upon these exquisite delicacies, +with a laugh. "Carver," cried Trimalchio, no less delighted with the +artifice practised upon us, and the carver appeared immediately. Timing +his strokes to the beat of the music he cut up the meat in such a fashion +as to lead you to think that a gladiator was fighting from a chariot to +the accompaniment of a water-organ. Every now and then Trimalchio would +repeat "Carver, Carver," in a low voice, until I finally came to the +conclusion that some joke was meant in repeating a word so frequently, so +I did not scruple to question him who reclined above me. As he had often +experienced byplay of this sort he explained, "You see that fellow who is +carving the meat, don't you? Well, his name is Carver. Whenever +Trimalchio says Carver, carve her, by the same word, he both calls and +commands!" + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p080"></a><img alt="p080.jpg (60K)" src="images/p080.jpg" height="885" width="497"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-SEVENTH. +</h2><br> +<p>I could eat no more, so I turned to my whilom informant to learn as much +as I could and sought to draw him out with far-fetched gossip. I +inquired who that woman could be who was scurrying about hither and yon +in such a fashion. "She's called Fortunata," he replied. "She's the +wife of Trimalchio, and she measures her money by the peck. And only a +little while ago, what was she! May your genius pardon me, but you would +not have been willing to take a crust of bread from her hand. Now, +without rhyme or reason, she's in the seventh heaven and is Trimalchio's +factotum, so much so that he would believe her if she told him it was +dark when it was broad daylight! As for him, he don't know how rich he +is, but this harlot keeps an eye on everything and where you least expect +to find her, you're sure to run into her. She's temperate, sober, full +of good advice, and has many good qualities, but she has a scolding +tongue, a very magpie on a sofa, those she likes, she likes, but those +she dislikes, she dislikes! Trimalchio himself has estates as broad as +the flight of a kite is long, and piles of money. There's more silver +plate lying in his steward's office than other men have in their whole +fortunes! And as for slaves, damn me if I believe a tenth of them knows +the master by sight. The truth is, that these stand-a-gapes are so much +in awe of him that any one of them would step into a fresh dunghill +without ever knowing it, at a mere nod from him!" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-EIGHTH. +</h2><br> +<p>"And don't you get the idea that he buys anything; everything is produced +at home, wool, pitch, pepper, if you asked for hen's milk you would get +it. Because he wanted his wool to rival other things in quality, he +bought rams at Tarentum and sent 'em into his flocks with a slap on the +arse. He had bees brought from Attica, so he could produce Attic honey +at home, and, as a side issue, so he could improve the native bees by +crossing with the Greek. He even wrote to India for mushroom seed one +day, and he hasn't a single mule that wasn't sired by a wild ass. Do you +see all those cushions? Not a single one but what is stuffed with either +purple or scarlet wool! He hasn't anything to worry about! Look out how +you criticise those other fellow-freedmen-friends of his, they're all +well heeled. See the fellow reclining at the bottom of the end couch? +He's worth his 800,000 any day, and he rose from nothing. Only a short +while ago he had to carry faggots on his own back. I don't know how true +it is, but they say that he snatched off an Incubo's hat and found a +treasure! For my part, I don't envy any man anything that was given him +by a god. He still carries the marks of his box on the ear, and he isn't +wishing himself any bad luck! He posted this notice, only the other day: + +<center> +<p> CAIUS POMPONIUS DIOGENES HAS +<p> PURCHASED A HOUSE +<p> THIS GARNET FOR RENT AFTER +<p> THE KALENDS OF JULY. +</center> + +<p>"What do you think of the fellow in the freedman's place? He has a good +front, too, hasn't he? And he has a right to. He saw his fortune +multiplied tenfold, but he lost heavily through speculation at the last. +I don't think he can call his very hair his own, and it is no fault of +his either, by Hercules, it isn't. There's no better fellow anywhere his +rascally freedmen cheated him out of everything. You know very well how +it is; everybody's business is nobody's business, and once let business +affairs start to go wrong, your friends will stand from under! Look at +the fix he's in, and think what a fine trade he had! He used to be an +undertaker. He dined like a king, boars roasted whole in their shaggy +Bides, bakers' pastries, birds, cooks and bakers! More wine was spilled +under his table than another has in his wine cellar. His life was like a +pipe dream, not like an ordinary mortal's. When his affairs commenced to +go wrong, and he was afraid his creditors would guess that he was +bankrupt, he advertised an auction and this was his placard: + +<center> +<p> JULIUS PROCULUS WILL SELL AT +<p> AUCTION HIS SUPERFLUOUS +<p> FURNITURE" +</center> + + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-NINTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Trimalchio broke in upon this entertaining gossip, for the course had +been removed and the guests, happy with wine, had started a general +conversation: lying back upon his couch, "You ought to make this wine go +down pleasantly," he said, "the fish must have something to swim in. But +I say, you didn't think I'd be satisfied with any such dinner as you saw +on the top of that tray? 'Is Ulysses no better known?' Well, well, we +shouldn't forget our culture, even at dinner. May the bones of my patron +rest in peace, he wanted me to become a man among men. No one can show +me anything new, and that little tray has proved it. This heaven where +the gods live, turns into as many different signs, and sometimes into the +Ram: therefore, whoever is born under that sign will own many flocks and +much wool, a hard head, a shameless brow, and a sharp horn. A great many +school-teachers and rambunctious butters-in are born under that sign." +We applauded the wonderful penetration of our astrologer and he ran on, +"Then the whole heaven turns into a bull-calf and the kickers and +herdsmen and those who see to it that their own bellies are full, come +into the world. Teams of horses and oxen are born under the Twins, and +well-hung wenchers and those who bedung both sides of the wall. I was +born under the Crab and therefore stand on many legs and own much +property on land and sea, for the crab is as much at home on one as he is +in the other. For that reason, I put nothing on that sign for fear of +weighing down my own destiny. Bulldozers and gluttons are born under the +Lion, and women and fugitives and chain-gangs are born under the Virgin. +Butchers and perfumers are born under the Balance, and all who think that +it is their business to straighten things out. Poisoners and assassins +are born under the Scorpion. Cross-eyed people who look at the +vegetables and sneak away with the bacon, are born under the Archer. +Horny-handed sons of toil are born under Capricorn. Bartenders and +pumpkin-heads are born under the Water-Carrier. Caterers and +rhetoricians are born under the Fishes: and so the world turns round, +just like a mill, and something bad always comes to the top, and men are +either being born or else they're dying. As to the sod and the honeycomb +in the middle, for I never do anything without a reason, Mother Earth is +in the centre, round as an egg, and all that is good is found in her, +just like it is in a honeycomb." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTIETH.</h2> +<br> +<p>"Bravo!" we yelled, and, with hands uplifted to the ceiling, we swore +that such fellows as Hipparchus and Aratus were not to be compared with +him. At length some slaves came in who spread upon the couches some +coverlets upon which were embroidered nets and hunters stalking their +game with boar-spears, and all the paraphernalia of the chase. We knew +not what to look for next, until a hideous uproar commenced, just outside +the dining-room door, and some Spartan hounds commenced to run around the +table all of a sudden. A tray followed them, upon which was served a +wild boar of immense size, wearing a liberty cap upon its head, and from +its tusks hung two little baskets of woven palm fibre, one of which +contained Syrian dates, the other, Theban. Around it hung little +suckling pigs made from pastry, signifying that this was a brood-sow with +her pigs at suck. It turned out that these were souvenirs intended to be +taken home. When it came to carving the boar, our old friend Carver, who +had carved the capons, did not appear, but in his place a great bearded +giant, with bands around his legs, and wearing a short hunting cape in +which a design was woven. Drawing his hunting- knife, he plunged it +fiercely into the boar's side, and some thrushes flew out of the gash. +fowlers, ready with their rods, caught them in a moment, as they +fluttered around the room and Trimalchio ordered one to each guest, +remarking, "Notice what fine acorns this forest-bred boar fed on," and as +he spoke, some slaves removed the little baskets from the tusks and +divided the Syrian and Theban dates equally among the diners. + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p090"></a><img alt="p090.jpg (36K)" src="images/p090.jpg" height="943" width="321"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-FIRST.</h2> +<br> +<p>Getting a moment to myself, in the meantime, I began to speculate as to +why the boar had come with a liberty cap upon his head. After exhausting +my invention with a thousand foolish guesses, I made bold to put the +riddle which teased me to my old informant. "Why, sure," he replied, +"even your slave could explain that; there's no riddle, everything's as +plain as day! This boar made his first bow as the last course of +yesterday's dinner and was dismissed by the guests, so today he comes +back as a freedman!" I damned my stupidity and refrained from asking any +more questions for fear I might leave the impression that I had never +dined among decent people before. While we were speaking, a handsome +boy, crowned with vine leaves and ivy, passed grapes around, in a little +basket, and impersonated Bacchus-happy, Bacchus-drunk, and +Bacchus-dreaming, reciting, in the meantime, his master's verses, in a shrill +voice. Trimalchio turned to him and said, "Dionisus, be thou Liber," +whereupon the boy immediately snatched the cap from the boar's head, and +put it upon his own. At that Trimalchio added, "You can't deny that my +father's middle name was Liber!" We applauded Trimalchio's conceit +heartily, and kissed the boy as he went around. Trimalchio retired to +the close-stool, after this course, and we, having freedom of action with +the tyrant away, began to draw the other guests out. After calling for a +bowl of wine, Dama spoke up, "A day's nothing at all: it's night before +you can turn around, so you can't do better than to go right to the +dining-room from your bed. It's been so cold that I can hardly get warm +in a bath, but a hot drink's as good as an overcoat: I've had some long +pegs, and between you and me, I'm a bit groggy; the booze has gone to my +head." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-SECOND.</h2> +<br> +<p>Here Seleucus took up the tale. "I don't bathe every day," he confided, +"a bath uses you up like a fuller: water's got teeth and your strength +wastes away a little every day; but when I've downed a pot of mead, I +tell the cold to suck my cock! I couldn't bathe today anyway, because I +was at a funeral; dandy fellow, he was too, good old Chrysanthus slipped +his wind! Why, only the other day he said good morning' to me, and I +almost think I'm talking to him now! Gawd's truth, we're only blown-up +bladders strutting around, we're less than flies, for they have some good +in them, but we're only bubbles. And supposing he had not kept to such a +low diet! Why, not a drop of water or a crumb of bread so much as passed +his lips for five days; and yet he joined the majority! Too many doctors +did away with him, or rather, his time had come, for a doctor's not good +for anything except for a consolation to your mind! He was well carried +out, anyhow, in the very bed he slept in during his lifetime. And he was +covered with a splendid pall: the mourning was tastefully managed; he had +freed some slaves; even though his wife was sparing with her tears: and +what if he hadn't treated her so well! But when you come to women, women +all belong to the kite species: no one ought to waste a good turn upon +one of them; it's just like throwing it down a well! An old love's like +a cancer!" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-THIRD.</h2> +<br> +<p>He was becoming very tiresome, and Phileros cried out, "Let's think about +the living! He has what was coming to him, he lived respectably, and +respectably he died. What's he got to kick about'? He made his pile +from an as, and would pick a quadrans out of a dunghill with his teeth, +any old time. And he grew richer and richer, of course: just like a +honeycomb. I expect that he left all of a hundred thousand, by Hercules, +I do! All in cold cash, too; but I've eaten dog's tongue and must speak +the truth: he was foul-mouthed, had a ready tongue, he was a trouble +maker and no man. Now his brother was a good fellow, a friend to his +friend, free-handed, and he kept a liberal table. He picked a loser at +the start, but his first vintage set him upon his legs, for he sold his +wine at the figure he demanded, and, what made him hold his head higher +still, he came into a legacy from which he stole more than had been left +to him. Then that fool friend of yours, in a fit of anger at his +brother, willed his property away to some son-of-a-bitch or other, who +he was, I don't know, but when a man runs away from his own kin, he has +a long way to go! And what's more, he had some slaves who were +ear-specialists at the keyhole, and they did him a lot of harm, for a man +won't prosper when he believes, on the spot, every tale that he hears; a +man in business, especially. Still, he had a good time as long as he +lived: for happy's the fellow who gets the gift, not the one it was meant +for. He sure was Fortune's son! Lead turned to gold in his hands. It's +easy enough when everything squares up and runs on schedule. How old +would you think he was? Seventy and over, but he was as tough as horn, +carried his age well, and was as black as a crow. I knew the fellow for +years and years, and he was a lecher to the very last. I don't believe +that even the dog in his house escaped his attentions, by Hercules, I +don't; and what a boy-lover he was! Saw a virgin in every one he met! +Not that I blame him though, for it's all he could take with him." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-FOURTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Phileros had his say and Ganymedes exclaimed, "You gabble away about +things that don't concern heaven or earth: and none of you cares how the +price of grain pinches. I couldn't even get a mouthful of bread today, +by Hercules, I couldn't. How the drought does hang on! We've had famine +for a year. If the damned AEdiles would only get what's coming to them. +They graft with the bakers, scratch-my-arse-and-I'll-scratch-yours! +That's the way it always is, the poor devils are out of luck, but the +jaws of the capitalists are always keeping the Saturnalia. If only we +had such lion-hearted sports as we had when I first came from Asia! That +was the life! If the flour was not the very best, they would beat up +those belly-robbing grafters till they looked like Jupiter had been at +them. How well I remember Safinius; he lived near the old arch, when I +was a boy. For a man, he was one hot proposition! Wherever he went, the +ground smoked! But he was square, dependable, a friend to a friend, you +could safely play mora with him, in the dark. But how he did peel them +in the town hall: he spoke no parables, not he! He did everything +straight from the shoulder and his voice roared like a trumpet in the +forum. He never sweat nor spat. I don't know, but I think he had a +strain of the Asiatic in him. And how civil and friendly-like he was, +in returning everyone's greeting; called us all by name, just like he was +one of us! And so provisions were cheap as dirt in those days. The loaf +you got for an as, you couldn't eat, not even if someone helped you, but +you see them no bigger than a bull's eye now, and the hell of it is that +things are getting worse every day; this colony grows backwards like a +calf's tall! Why do we have to put up with an AEdile here, who's not +worth three Caunian figs and who thinks more of an as than of our lives? +He has a good time at home, and his daily income's more than another +man's fortune. I happen to know where he got a thousand gold pieces. +If we had any nuts, he'd not be so damned well pleased with himself! +Nowadays, men are lions at home and foxes abroad. What gets me is, that +I've already eaten my old clothes, and if this high cost of living keeps +on, I'll have to sell my cottages! What's going to happen to this town, +if neither gods nor men take pity on it? May I never have any luck if I +don't believe all this comes from the gods! For no one believes that +heaven is heaven, no one keeps a fast, no one cares a hang about Jupiter: +they all shut their eyes and count up their own profits. In the old +days, the married women, in their stolas, climbed the hill in their bare +feet, pure in heart, and with their hair unbound, and prayed to Jupiter +for rain! And it would pour down in bucketfuls then or never, and they'd +all come home, wet as drowned rats. But the gods all have the gout now, +because we are not religious; and so our fields are burning up!" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-FIFTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>"Don't be so down in the mouth," chimed in Echion, the ragman; "if it +wasn't that it'd be something else, as the farmer said, when he lost his +spotted pig. If a thing don't happen today, it may tomorrow. That's the +way life jogs along. You couldn't name a better country, by Hercules, +you couldn't, if only the men had any brains. She's in hot water right +now, but she ain't the only one. We oughtn't to be so particular; +heaven's as far away everywhere else. If you were somewhere else, you'd +swear that pigs walked around here already roasted. Think of what's +coming! We'll soon have a fine gladiator show to last for three days, no +training-school pupils; most of them will be freedmen. Our Titus has a +hot head and plenty of guts and it will go to a finish. I'm well +acquainted with him, and he'll not stand for any frame-ups. It will be +cold steel in the best style, no running away, the shambles will be in +the middle of the amphitheatre where all the crowd can see. And what's +more, he has the coin, for he came into thirty million when his father +had the bad luck to die. He could blow in four hundred thousand and his +fortune never feel it, but his name would live forever. He has some +dwarfs already, and a woman to fight from a chariot. Then, there's +Glyco's steward; he was caught screwing Glyco's wife. You'll see some +battle between jealous husbands and favored lovers. Anyhow, that cheap +screw of a Glyco condemned his steward to the beasts and only published +his own shame. How could the slave go wrong when he only obeyed orders? +It would have been better if that she-piss- pot, for that's all she's fit +for, had been tossed by the bull, but a fellow has to beat the saddle +when he can't beat the jackass. How could Glyco ever imagine that a +sprig of Hermogenes' planting could turn out well? Why, Hermogenes could +trim the claws of a flying hawk, and no snake ever hatched out a rope +yet! And look at Glyco! He's smoked himself out in fine shape, and as +long as he lives, he'll carry that stain! No one but the devil himself +can wipe that out, but chickens always come home to roost. My nose tells +me that Mammaea will set out a spread: two bits apiece for me and mine! +And he'll nick Norbanus out of his political pull if he does; you all +know that it's to his interest to hump himself to get the best of him. +And honestly, what did that fellow ever do for us? He exhibited some two +cent gladiators that were so near dead they'd have fallen flat if you +blew your breath at them. I've seen better thugs sent against wild +beasts! And the cavalry he killed looked about as much like the real +thing as the horsemen on the lamps; you would have taken them for +dunghill cocks! One plug had about as much action as a jackass with a +pack-saddle; another was club-footed; and a third who had to take the +place of one that was killed, was as good as dead, and hamstrung into the +bargain. There was only one that had any pep, and he was a Thracian, but +he only fought when we egged him on. The whole crowd was flogged +afterwards. How the mob did yell 'Lay it on!' They were nothing but +runaways. And at that he had the nerve to say, 'I've given you a show.' +'And I've applauded,' I answered; 'count it up and you'll find that I +gave more than I got! One hand washes the other.'" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-SIXTH</h2> +<br> +<p>"Agamemnon, your looks seem to say, What's this boresome nut trying to +hand us?' Well, I'm talking because you, who can talk book-foolishness, +won't. You don't belong to our bunch, so you laugh in your sleeve at the +way us poor people talk, but we know that you're only a fool with a lot +of learning. Well, what of it? Some day I'll get you to come to my +country place and take a look at my little estate. We'll have fresh eggs +and spring chicken to chew on when we get there; it will be all right +even if the weather has kept things back this year. We'll find enough to +satisfy us, and my kid will soon grow up to be a pupil of yours; he can +divide up to four, now, and you'll have a little servant at your side, if +he lives. When he has a minute to himself, he never takes his eyes from +his tablets; he's smart too, and has the right kind of stuff in him, even +if he is crazy about birds. I've had to kill three of his linnets +already. I told him that a weasel had gotten them, but he's found +another hobby, now he paints all the time. He's left the marks of his +heels on his Greek already, and is doing pretty well with his Latin, +although his master's too easy with him; won't make him stick to one +thing. He comes to me to get me to give him something to write when his +master don't want to work. Then there's another tutor, too, no scholar, +but very painstaking, though; he can teach you more than he knows +himself. He comes to the house on holidays and is always satisfied with +whatever you pay him. Some little time ago, I bought the kid some law +books; I want him to have a smattering of the law for home use. There's +bread in that! As for literature, he's got enough of that in him +already; if he begins to kick, I've concluded that I'll make him learn +some trade; the barber's, say, or the auctioneer's, or even the lawyer's. +That's one thing no one but the devil can do him out of! 'Believe what +your daddy says, Primigenius,' I din into his ears every day, 'whenever +you learn a thing, it's yours. Look at Phileros the attorney; he'd not +be keeping the wolf from the door now if he hadn't studied. It's not +long since he had to carry his wares on his back and peddle them, but he +can put up a front with Norbanus himself now! Learning's a fine thing, +and a trade won't starve.'" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-SEVENTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Twaddle of this sort was being bandied about when Trimalchio came in; +mopping his forehead and washing his hands in perfume, he said, after a +short pause, "Pardon me, gentlemen, but my stomach's been on strike for +the past few days and the doctors disagreed about the cause. But +pomegranate rind and pitch steeped in vinegar have helped me, and I hope +that my belly will get on its good behavior, for sometimes there's such a +rumbling in my guts that you'd think a bellowing bull was in there. So +if anyone wants to do his business, there's no call to be bashful about +it. None of us was born solid! I don't know of any worse torment than +having to hold it in, it's the one thing Jupiter himself can't hold in. +So you're laughing, are you, Fortunata? Why, you're always keeping me +awake at night yourself. I never objected yet to anyone in my +dining-room relieving himself when he wanted to, and the doctors forbid +our holding it in. Everything's ready outside, if the call's more +serious, water, close-stool, and anything else you'll need. Believe me, +when this rising vapor gets to the brain, it puts the whole body on the +burn. Many a one I've known to kick in just because he wouldn't own up +to the truth." We thanked him for his kindness and consideration, and +hid our laughter by drinking more and oftener. We had not realized that, +as yet, we were only in the middle of the entertainment, with a hill +still ahead, as the saying goes. The tables were cleared off to the beat +of music, and three white hogs, muzzled, and wearing bells, were brought +into the dining-room. The announcer informed us that one was a +two-year-old, another three, and the third just turned six. I had an +idea that some rope-dancers had come in and that the hogs would perform +tricks, just as they do for the crowd on the streets, but Trimalchio +dispelled this illusion by asking, "Which one will you have served up +immediately, for dinner? Any country cook can manage a dunghill cock, a +pentheus hash, or little things like that, but my cooks are well used to +serving up calves boiled whole, in their cauldrons!" Then he ordered a +cook to be called in at once, and without awaiting our pleasure, he +directed that the oldest be butchered, and demanded in a loud voice, +"What division do you belong too?" When the fellow made answer that he +was from the fortieth, "Were you bought, or born upon my estates?" +Trimalchio continued. "Neither," replied the cook, "I was left to you by +Pansa's will." "See to it that this is properly done," Trimalchio +warned, "or I'll have you transferred to the division of messengers!" +and the cook, bearing his master's warning in mind, departed for the +kitchen with the next course in tow. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-EIGHTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Trimalchio's threatening face relaxed and he turned to us, "If the wine +don't please you," he said, "I'll change it; you ought to do justice to +it by drinking it. I don't have to buy it, thanks to the gods. +Everything here that makes your mouths water, was produced on one of my +country places which I've never yet seen, but they tell me it's down +Terracina and Tarentum way. I've got a notion to add Sicily to my other +little holdings, so in case I want to go to Africa, I'll be able to sail +along my own coasts. But tell me the subject of your speech today, +Agamemnon, for, though I don't plead cases myself, I studied literature +for home use, and for fear you should think I don't care about learning, +let me inform you that I have three libraries, one Greek and the others +Latin. Give me the outline of your speech if you like me." + +<p>"A poor man and a rich man were enemies," Agamemmon began, when: "What's +a poor man?" Trimalchio broke in. "Well put," Agamemnon conceded and +went into details upon some problem or other, what it was I do not know. +Trimalchio instantly rendered the following verdict, "If that's the case, +there's nothing to dispute about; if it's not the case, it don't amount +to anything anyhow." These flashes of wit, and others equally +scintillating, we loudly applauded, and he went on: "Tell me, my dearest +Agamemnon, do you remember the twelve labors of Hercules or the story of +Ulysses, how the Cyclops threw his thumb out of joint with a pig-headed +crowbar? When I was a boy, I used to read those stories in Homer. And +then, there's the Sibyl: with my own eyes I saw her, at Cumae, hanging up +in a jar; and whenever the boys would say to her 'Sibyl, Sibyl, what +would you?' she would answer, 'I would die.'" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-NINTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Before he had run out of wind, a tray upon which was an enormous hog was +placed upon the table, almost filling it up. We began to wonder at the +dispatch with which it had been prepared and swore that no cock could +have been served up in so short a time; moreover, this hog seemed to us +far bigger than the boar had been. Trimalchio scrutinized it closely and +"What the hell," he suddenly bawled out, "this hog hain't been gutted, +has it? No, it hain't, by Hercules, it hain't! Call that cook! Call +that cook in here immediately!" When the crestfallen cook stood at the +table and owned up that he had forgotten to bowel him, "So you forgot, +did you?" Trimalchio shouted, "You'd think he'd only left out a bit of +pepper and cummin, wouldn't you? Off with his clothes!" The cook was +stripped without delay, and stood with hanging head, between two +torturers. We all began to make excuses for him at this, saying, "Little +things like that are bound to happen once in a while, let us prevail upon +you to let him off; if he ever does such a thing again, not a one of us +will have a word to say in his behalf." But for my part, I was +mercilessly angry and could not help leaning over towards Agamemnon and +whispering in his ear, "It is easily seen that this fellow is criminally +careless, is it not? How could anyone forget to draw a hog? If he had +served me a fish in that fashion I wouldn't overlook it, by Hercules, I +wouldn't." But that was not Trimalchio's way: his face relaxed into good +humor and he said, "Since your memory's so short, you can gut him right +here before our eyes!" The cook put on his tunic, snatched up a carving +knife, with a trembling hand, and slashed the hog's belly in several +places. Sausages and meat- puddings, widening the apertures, by their +own weight, immediately tumbled out. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTIETH.</h2> +<br> +<p>The whole household burst into unanimous applause at this; "Hurrah for +Gaius," they shouted. As for the cook, he was given a drink and a silver +crown and a cup on a salver of Corinthian bronze. Seeing that Agamemnon +was eyeing the platter closely, Trimalchio remarked, "I'm the only one +that can show the real Corinthian!" I thought that, in his usual +purse-proud manner, he was going to boast that his bronzes were all +imported from Corinth, but he did even better by saying, "Wouldn't you +like to know how it is that I'm the only one that can show the real +Corinthian? Well, it's because the bronze worker I patronize is named +Corinthus, and what's Corinthian unless it's what a Corinthus makes? +And, so you won't think I'm a blockhead, I'm going to show you that I'm +well acquainted with how Corinthian first came into the world. When Troy +was taken, Hannibal, who was a very foxy fellow and a great rascal into +the bargain, piled all the gold and silver and bronze statues in one pile +and set 'em afire, melting these different metals into one: then the +metal workers took their pick and made bowls and dessert dishes and +statuettes as well. That's how Corinthian was born; neither one nor the +other, but an amalgam of all. But I prefer glass, if you don't mind my +saying so; it don't stink, and if it didn't break, I'd rather have it +than gold, but it's cheap and common now." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-FIRST. </h2> +<br> +<p>"But there was an artisan, once upon a time, who made a glass vial that +couldn't be broken. On that account he was admitted to Caesar with his +gift; then he dashed it upon the floor, when Caesar handed it back to +him. The Emperor was greatly startled, but the artisan picked the vial +up off the pavement, and it was dented, just like a brass bowl would have +been! He took a little hammer out of his tunic and beat out the dent +without any trouble. When he had done that, he thought he would soon be +in Jupiter's heaven, and more especially when Caesar said to him, 'Is +there anyone else who knows how to make this malleable glass? Think +now!' And when he denied that anyone else knew the secret, Caesar +ordered his head chopped off, because if this should get out, we would +think no more of gold than we would of dirt." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-SECOND.</h2> +<br> +<p>"And when it comes to silver, I'm a connoisseur; I have goblets as big as +wine-jars, a hundred of 'em more or less, with engraving that shows how +Cassandra killed her sons, and the dead boys are lying so naturally that +you'd think 'em alive. I own a thousand bowls which Mummius left to my +patron, where Daedalus is shown shutting Niobe up in the Trojan horse, +and I also have cups engraved with the gladiatorial contests of Hermeros +and Petraites: they're all heavy, too. I wouldn't sell my taste in these +matters for any money!" A slave dropped a cup while he was running on in +this fashion. Glaring at him, Trimalchio said, "Go hang yourself, since +you're so careless." The boy's lip quivered and he immediately commenced +to beg for mercy. "Why do you pray to me?" Trimalchio demanded, at +this: "I don't intend to be harsh with you, I'm only warning you against +being so awkward." Finally, however, we got him to give the boy a pardon +and no sooner had this been done than the slave started running around +the room crying, "Out with the water and in with the wine!" We all paid +tribute to this joke, but Agamemnon in particular, for he well knew what +strings to pull in order to secure another invitation to dinner. Tickled +by our flattery, and mellowed by the wine, Trimalchio was just about +drunk. "Why hasn't one of you asked my Fortunata to dance?" he +demanded, "There's no one can do a better cancan, believe me," and he +himself raised his arms above his head and favored us with an +impersonation of Syrus the actor; the whole household chanting: + +<center> +<p> Oh bravo +<p> Oh bravissimo +</center> + +<p>in chorus, and he would have danced out into the middle of the room +before us all, had not Fortunata whispered in his ear, telling him, +I suppose, that such low buffoonery was not in keeping with his dignity. +But nothing could be so changeable as his humor, for one minute he stood +in awe of Fortunata, but his natural propensities would break out the +next. + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p116"></a><img alt="p116.jpg (86K)" src="images/p116.jpg" height="841" width="561"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-THIRD.</h2> +<br> +<p>But his passion for dancing was interrupted at this stage by a +stenographer who read aloud, as if he were reading the public records, +"On the seventh of the Kalends of July, on Trimalchio's estates near +Cumae, were born thirty boys and forty girls: five hundred pecks of wheat +were taken from the threshing floors and stored in the granaries: five +hundred oxen were put to yoke: the slave Mithridates was crucified on the +same date for cursing the genius of our master, Gaius: on said date ten +million sesterces were returned to the vaults as no sound investment +could be found: on said date, a fire broke out in the gardens at Pompeii, +said fire originating in the house of Nasta, the bailiff." "What's +that?" demanded Trimalchio. "When were the gardens at Pompeii bought for +me?" "Why, last year," answered the stenographer, "for that reason the +item has not appeared in the accounts." Trimalchio flew into a rage at +this. "If I'm not told within six months of any real estate that's +bought for me," he shouted, "I forbid it's being carried to my account at +all!" Next, the edicts of his aediles were read aloud, and the wills of +some of his foresters in which Trimalchio was disinherited by a codicil, +then the names of his bailiffs, and that of a freedwoman who had been +repudiated by a night watchman, after she had been caught in bed with a +bath attendant, that of a porter banished to Baioe, a steward who was +standing trial, and lastly the report of a decision rendered in the +matter of a lawsuit, between some valets. When this was over with, some +rope dancers came in and a very boresome fool stood holding a ladder, +ordering his boy to dance from rung to rung, and finally at the top, all +this to the music of popular airs; then the boy was compelled to jump +through blazing hoops while grasping a huge wine jar with his teeth. +Trimalchio was the only one who was much impressed by these tricks, +remarking that it was a thankless calling and adding that in all the +world there were just two things which could give him acute pleasure, +rope-dancers and horn blowers; all other entertainments were nothing +but nonsense. "I bought a company of comedians," he went on, "but I +preferred for them to put on Atellane farces, and I ordered my +flute-player to play Latin airs only." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-FOURTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>While our noble Gaius was still talking away, the boy slipped and fell, +alighting upon Trimalchio's arm. The whole household cried out, as did +also the guests, not that they bore such a coarse fellow any good will, +as they would gladly have seen his neck broken, but because such an +unlucky ending to the dinner might make it necessary for them to go into +mourning over a total stranger. As for Trimalchio, he groaned heavily +and bent over his arm as though it had been injured: doctors flocked +around him, and Fortunata was among the very first, her hair was +streaming and she held a cup in her hand and screamed out her grief and +unhappiness. As for the boy who had fallen, he was crawling at our feet, +imploring pardon. I was uneasy for fear his prayers would lead up to +some ridiculous theatrical climax, for I had not yet been able to forget +that cook who had forgotten to bowel that hog, and so, for this reason, I +began to scan the whole dining-room very closely, to see if an automaton +would come out through the wall; and all the more so as a slave was +beaten for having bound up his master's bruised arm in white wool instead +of purple. Nor was my suspicion unjustified, for in place of punishment, +Trimalchio ordered that the boy be freed, so that no one could say that +so exalted a personage had been injured by a slave. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-FIFTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>We applauded his action and engaged in a discussion upon the instability +of human affairs, which many took sides. "A good reason," declared +Trimalchio, "why such an occasion shouldn't slip by without an epigram." +He called for his tablets at once, and after racking his brains for a +little while, he got off the following: + +<blockquote> + +<br> The unexpected will turn up; +<br> Our whole lives Fortune bungles up. +<br> Falernian, boy, hand round the cup. +</blockquote> + +<p>This epigram led up to a discussion of the poets, and for a long time, +the greatest praise was bestowed upon Mopsus the Thracian, until +Trimalchio broke in with: "Professor, I wish you'd tell me how you'd +compare Cicero and Publilius. I'm of the opinion that the first was the +more eloquent, but that the last moralizes more beautifully, for what can +excel these lines? + +<blockquote> + + + +<br> Insatiable luxury crumbles the walls of war; +<br> To satiate gluttony, peacocks in coops are brought +<br> Arrayed in gold plumage like Babylon tapestry rich. +<br> Numidian guinea-fowls, capons, all perish for thee: +<br> And even the wandering stork, welcome guest that he is, +<br> The emblem of sacred maternity, slender of leg +<br> And gloctoring exile from winter, herald of spring, +<br> Still, finds his last nest in the--cauldron of gluttony base. +<br> India surrenders her pearls; and what mean they to thee? +<br> That thy wife decked with sea-spoils adorning her breast and her head +<br> On the couch of a stranger lies lifting adulterous legs? +<br> The emerald green, the glass bauble, what mean they to thee? +<br> Or the fire of the ruby? Except that pure chastity shine +<br> From the depth of the jewels: in garments of woven wind clad +<br> Our brides might as well take their stand, their game naked to stalk, +<br> As seek it in gossamer tissue transparent as air." + +</blockquote> +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-SIXTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>"What should we say was the hardest calling, after literature?" he asked. +"That of the doctor or that of the money-changer, I would say: the +doctor, because he has to know what poor devils have got in their +insides, and when the fever's due: but I hate them like the devil, for my +part, because they're always ordering me on a diet of duck soup: and the +money-changer's, because he's got to be able to see the silver through +the copper plating. When we come to the dumb beasts, the oxen and sheep +are the hardest worked, the oxen, thanks to whose labor we have bread to +chew on, the sheep, because their wool tricks us out so fine. It's the +greatest outrage under the sun for people to eat mutton and then wear a +tunic. Then there's the bee: in my opinion, they're divine insects +because they puke honey, though there are folks that claim that they +bring it from Jupiter, and that's the reason they sting, too, for +wherever you find a sweet, you'll find a bitter too." He was just putting +the philosophers out of business when lottery tickets were passed around +in a cup. A slave boy assigned to that duty read aloud the names of the +souvenirs: "Silver s--ham," a ham was brought in with some silver vinegar +cruets on top of it; "cervical"--something soft for the neck--a piece of +the cervix--neck--of a sheep was brought in; "serisapia"--after wit--"and +contumelia"--insult--we were given must wafers and an apple-melon--and a +phallus--contus--; "porri"--leeks--"and persica," he picked up a whip and +a knife; "passeres"--sparrows" and a fly--trap," the answer was +raisins--uva passa--and Attic honey; "cenatoria"--a dinner toga--"and +forensia"--business dress--he handed out a piece of meat--suggestive of +dinner--and a note-book--suggestive of business--; "canale"--chased by a +dog--"and pedale"--pertaining to the foot--, a hare and a slipper were +brought out; "lamphrey"--murena--"and a letter," he held up a +mouse--mus--and a frog--rana--tied together, and a bundle of +beet--beta--the Greek letter beta--. We laughed long and loud, there +were a thousand of these jokes, more or less, which have now escaped my +memory. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-SEVENTH. +</h2><br> +<p>But Ascyltos threw off all restraint and ridiculed everything; throwing +up his hands, he laughed until the tears ran down his cheeks. At last, +one of Trimalchio's fellow-freedmen, the one who had the place next to +me, flew into a rage, "What's the joke, sheep's-head," he bawled, "Don't +our host's swell entertainment suit you? You're richer than he is, I +suppose, and used to dining better! As I hope the guardian spirit of +this house will be on my side, I'd have stopped his bleating long ago if +I'd been sitting next to him. He's a peach, he is, laughing at others; +some vagabond or other from who-knows-where, some night-pad who's not +worth his own piss: just let me piss a ring around him and he wouldn't +know where to run to! I ain't easy riled, no, by Hercules, I ain't, but +worms breed in tender flesh. Look at him laugh! What the hell's he got +to laugh at? Is his family so damned fine-haired? So you're a Roman +knight! Well, I'm a king's son! How's it come that you've been a slave, +you'll ask because I put myself into service because I'd rather be a +Roman citizen than a tax-paying provincial. And now I hope that my life +will be such that no one can jeer at me. I'm a man among men! I take my +stroll bareheaded and owe no man a copper cent. I never had a summons in +my life and no one ever said to me, in the forum, pay me what you owe me. +I've bought a few acres and saved up a few dollars and I feed twenty +bellies and a dog. I ransomed my bedfellow so no one could wipe his +hands on her bosom; a thousand dinars it cost me, too. I was chosen +priest of Augustus without paying the fee, and I hope that I won't need +to blush in my grave after I'm dead. But you're so busy that you can't +look behind you; you can spot a louse on someone else, all right, but you +can't see the tick on yourself. You're the only one that thinks we're so +funny; look at your professor, he's older than you are, and we're good +enough for him, but you're only a brat with the milk still in your nose +and all you can prattle is 'ma' or 'mu,' you're only a clay pot, a piece +of leather soaked in water, softer and slipperier, but none the better +for that. You've got more coin than we have, have you? Then eat two +breakfasts and two dinners a day. I'd rather have my reputation than +riches, for my part, and before I make an end of this--who ever dunned me +twice? In all the forty years I was in service, no one could tell +whether I was free or a slave. I was only a long-haired boy when I came +to this colony and the town house was not built then. I did my best to +please my master and he was a digniferous and majestical gentleman whose +nail-parings were worth more than your whole carcass. I had enemies in +his house, too, who would have been glad to trip me up, but I swam the +flood, thanks to his kindness. Those are the things that try your +mettle, for it's as easy to be born a gentleman as to say, 'Come here.' +Well, what are you gaping at now, like a billy-goat in a vetch-field?" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-EIGHTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Giton, who had been standing at my feet, and who had for some time been +holding in his laughter, burst into an uproarious guffaw, at this last +figure of speech, and when Ascyltos' adversary heard it, he turned his +abuse upon the boy. "What's so funny, you curly-headed onion," he +bellowed, "are the Saturnalia here, I'd like to know? Is it December +now? + +<p>"When did you pay your twentieth? What's this to you, you gallows-bird, +you crow's meat? I'll call the anger of Jupiter down on you and that +master of yours, who don't keep you in better order. If I didn't respect +my fellow-freedmen, I'd give you what is coming to you right here on the +spot, as I hope to get my belly full of bread, I would. We'll get along +well enough, but those that can't control you are fools; like master like +man's a true saying. I can hardly hold myself in and I'm not hot-headed +by nature, but once let me get a start and I don't care two cents for my +own mother. All right, I'll catch you in the street, you rat, you +toadstool. May I never grow an inch up or down if I don't push your +master into a dunghill, and I'll give you the same medicine, I will, by +Hercules, I will, no matter if you call down Olympian Jupiter himself! +I'll take care of your eight inch ringlets and your two cent master into +the bargain. I'll have my teeth into you, either you'll cut out the +laughing, or I don't know myself. Yes, even if you had a golden beard. +I'll bring the wrath of Minerva down on you and on the fellow that first +made a come-here out of you. No, I never learned geometry or criticism +or other foolishness like that, but I know my capital letters and I can +divide any figure by a hundred, be it in asses, pounds or sesterces. +Let's have a show-down, you and I will make a little bet, here's my coin; +you'll soon find out that your father's money was wasted on your +education, even if you do know a little rhetoric. How's this--what part +of us am I? I come far, I come wide, now guess me! I'll give you +another. What part of us runs but never moves from its place? What part +of us grows but always grows less? But you scurry around and are as +flustered and fidgeted as a mouse in a piss-pot. Shut up and don't annoy +your betters, who don't even know that you've been born. Don't think +that I'm impressed by those boxwood armlets that you did your mistress +out of. Occupo will back me! Let's go into the forum and borrow money, +then you'll see whether this iron ring means credit! Bah! A draggled +fox is a fine sight, ain't it'? I hope I never get rich and die decently +so that the people will swear by my death, if I don't hound you +everywhere with my toga turned inside out. And the fellow that taught +you such manners did a good job too, a chattering ape, all right, no +schoolmaster. We were better taught. 'Is everything in its place?' the +master would ask; go straight home and don't stop and stare at everything +and don't be impudent to your elders. Don't loiter along looking in at +the shops. No second raters came out of that school. I'm what you see +me and I thank the gods it's all due to my own cleverness." + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p130"></a><img alt="p130.jpg (57K)" src="images/p130.jpg" height="701" width="597"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-NINTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Ascyltos was just starting in to answer this indictment when Trimalchio, +who was delighted with his fellow-freedman's tirade, broke in, "Cut out +the bickering and let's have things pleasant here. Let up on the young +fellow, Hermeros, he's hot-blooded, so you ought to be more reasonable. +The loser's always the winner in arguments of this kind. And as for you, +even when you were a young punk you used to go 'Co-co co-co,' like a hen +after a rooster, but you had no pep. Let's get to better business and +start the fun all over again and watch the Homerists." A troupe filed +in, immediately, and clashed spears against shields. Trimalchio sat +himself up on his cushion and intoned in Latin, from a book, while the +actors, in accordance with their conceited custom, recited their parts in +the Greek language. There came a pause, presently, and "You don't any of +you know the plot of the skit they're putting on, do you?" he asked, +"Diomedes and Ganymede were two brothers, and Helen was their sister; +Agamemnon ran away with her and palmed off a doe on Diana, in her place, +so Homer tells how the Trojans and Parentines fought among themselves. +Of course Agamemnon was victorious, and gave his daughter Iphigenia, to +Achilles, for a wife: This caused Ajax to go mad, and he'll soon make the +whole thing plain to you." The Homerists raised a shout, as soon as +Trimalchio had done speaking, and, as the whole familia stepped back, a +boiled calf with a helmet on its head was brought in on an enormous +platter. Ajax followed and rushed upon it with drawn sword, as if he +were insane, he made passes with the flat, and again with the edge, and +then, collecting the slices, he skewered them, and, much to our +astonishment, presented them to us on the point of his sword. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTIETH.</h2> +<br> +<p>But we were not given long in which to admire the elegance of such +service, for all of a sudden the ceiling commenced to creak and then the +whole dining-room shook. I leaped to my feet in consternation, for fear +some rope-walker would fall down, and the rest of the company raised +their faces, wondering as much as I what new prodigy was to be announced +from on high. Then lo and behold! the ceiling panels parted and an +enormous hoop, which appeared to have been knocked off a huge cask, was +lowered from the dome above; its perimeter was hung with golden chaplets +and jars of alabaster filled with perfume. We were asked to accept these +articles as souvenirs. When my glance returned to the table, I noticed +that a dish containing cakes had been placed upon it, and in the middle +an image of Priapus, made by the baker, and he held apples of all +varieties and bunches of grapes against his breast, in the conventional +manner. We applied ourselves wholeheartedly to this dessert and our +joviality was suddenly revived by a fresh diversion, for, at the +slightest pressure, all the cakes and fruits would squirt a saffron sauce +upon us, and even spurted unpleasantly into our faces. Being convinced +that these perfumed dainties had some religious significance, we arose in +a body and shouted, "Hurrah for the Emperor, the father of his country!" +However, as we perceived that even after this act of veneration, the +others continued helping themselves, we filled our napkins with the +apples. I was especially keen on this, for I thought I could never put +enough good things into Giton's lap. Three slaves entered, in the +meantime, dressed in white tunics well tucked up, and two of them placed +Lares with amulets hanging from their necks, upon the table, while the +third carried round a bowl of wine and cried, "May the gods be +propitious!" One was called Cerdo--business--, Trimalchio informed us, +the other Lucrio--luck--and the third Felicio--profit--and, when all the +rest had kissed a true likeness of Trimalchio, we were ashamed to pass it +by. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-FIRST.</h2> +<br> +<p>After they had all wished each other sound minds and good health, +Trimalchio turned to Niceros. "You used to be better company at +dinner," he remarked, "and I don't know why you should be dumb today, +with never a word to say. If you wish to make me happy, tell about that +experience you had, I beg of you." Delighted at the affability of his +friend, "I hope I lose all my luck if I'm not tickled to death at the +humor I see you in," Niceros replied. "All right, let's go the limit for +a good time, though I'm afraid these scholars'll laugh at me, but I'll +tell my tale and they can go as far as they like. What t'hell do I care +who laughs? It's better to be laughed at than laughed down." These +words spake the hero, and began the following tale: "We lived in a narrow +street in the house Gavilla now owns, when I was a slave. There, by the +will of the gods, I fell in love with the wife of Terentius, the +innkeeper; you knew Melissa of Tarentum, that pretty round-checked little +wench. It was no carnal passion, so hear me, Hercules, it wasn't; I was +not in love with her physical charms. No, it was because she was such a +good sport. I never asked her for a thing and had her deny me; if she +had an as, I had half. I trusted her with everything I had and never was +done out of anything. Her husband up and died on the place, one day, so +I tried every way I could to get to her, for you know friends ought to +show up when anyone's in a pinch. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-SECOND.</h2> +<br> +<p>"It so happened that our master had gone to Capua to attend to some odds +and ends of business and I seized the opportunity, and persuaded a guest +of the house to accompany me as far as the fifth mile-stone. He was a +soldier, and as brave as the very devil. We set out about cock-crow, the +moon was shining as bright as midday, and came to where the tombstones +are. My man stepped aside amongst them, but I sat down, singing, and +commenced to count them up. When I looked around for my companion, he +had stripped himself and piled his clothes by the side of the road. My +heart was in my mouth, and I sat there while he pissed a ring around them +and was suddenly turned into a wolf! Now don't think I'm joking, I +wouldn't lie for any amount of money, but as I was saying, he commenced +to howl after he was turned into a wolf, and ran away into the forest. +I didn't know where I was for a minute or two, then I went to his +clothes, to pick them up, and damned if they hadn't turned to stone! Was +ever anyone nearer dead from fright than me? Then I whipped out my sword +and cut every shadow along the road to bits, till I came to the house of +my mistress. I looked like a ghost when I went in, and I nearly slipped +my wind. The sweat was pouring down my crotch, my eyes were staring, and +I could hardly be brought around. My Melissa wondered why I was out so +late. "Oh, if you'd only come sooner," she said, "you could have helped +us: a wolf broke into the folds and attacked the sheep, bleeding them +like a butcher. But he didn't get the laugh on me, even if he did get +away, for one of the slaves ran his neck through with a spear!" I +couldn't keep my eyes shut any longer when I heard that, and as soon as +it grew light, I rushed back to our Gaius' house like an innkeeper beaten +out of his bill, and when I came to the place where the clothes had been +turned into stone, there was nothing but a pool of blood! And moreover, +when I got home, my soldier was lying in bed, like an ox, and a doctor +was dressing his neck! I knew then that he was a werewolf, and after +that, I couldn't have eaten a crumb of bread with him, no, not if you had +killed me. Others can think what they please about this, but as for me, +I hope your geniuses will all get after me if I lie." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-THIRD.</h2> +<br> +<p>We were all dumb with astonishment, when "I take your story for granted," +said Trimalchio, "and if you'll believe me, my hair stood on end, and +all the more, because I know that Niceros never talks nonsense: he's +always level-headed, not a bit gossipy. And now I'll tell you a +hair-raiser myself, though I'm like a jackass on a slippery pavement compared +to him. When I was a long-haired boy, for I lived a Chian life from my +youth up, my master's minion died. He was a jewel, so hear me Hercules, +he was, perfect in every facet. While his sorrow-stricken mother was +bewailing his loss, and the rest of us were lamenting with her, the +witches suddenly commenced to screech so loud that you would have thought +a hare was being run down by the hounds! At that time, we had a +Cappadocian slave, tall, very bold, and he had muscle too; he could hold +a mad bull in the air! He wrapped a mantle around his left arm, boldly +rushed out of doors with drawn sword, and ran a woman through the middle +about here, no harm to what I touch. We heard a scream, but as a matter +of fact, for I won't lie to you, we didn't catch sight of the witches +themselves. Our simpleton came back presently, and threw himself upon +the bed. His whole body was black and blue, as if he had been flogged +with whips, and of course the reason of that was she had touched him with +her evil hand! We shut the door and returned to our business, but when +the mother put her arms around the body of her son, it turned out that it +was only a straw bolster, no heart, no guts, nothing! Of course the +witches had swooped down upon the lad and put the straw changeling in his +place! Believe me or not, suit yourselves, but I say that there are +women that know too much, and night-hags, too, and they turn everything +upside down! And as for the long-haired booby, he never got back his own +natural color and he died, raving mad, a few days later." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-FOURTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Though we wondered greatly, we believed none the less implicitly and, +kissing the table, we besought the night-hags to attend to their own +affairs while we were returning home from dinner. As far as I was +concerned, the lamps already seemed to burn double and the whole +dining-room was going round, when "See here, Plocamus," Trimalchio spoke +up, "haven't you anything to tell us? You haven't entertained us at all, +have you? And you used to be fine company, always ready to oblige with a +recitation or a song. The gods bless us, how the green figs have +fallen!" "True for you," the fellow answered, "since I've got the gout +my sporting days are over; but in the good old times when I was a young +spark, I nearly sang myself into a consumption. How I used to dance! +And take my part in a farce, or hold up my end in the barber shops! Who +could hold a candle to me except, of course, the one and only Apelles?" +He then put his hand to his mouth and hissed out some foul gibberish or +other, and said afterwards that it was Greek. Trimalchio himself then +favored us with an impersonation of a man blowing a trumpet, and when he +had finished, he looked around for his minion, whom he called Croesus, a +blear-eyed slave whose teeth were very disagreeably discolored. He was +playing with a little black bitch, disgustingly fat, wrapping her up in a +leek-green scarf and teasing her with a half-loaf of bread which he had +put on the couch; and when from sheer nausea, she refused it, he crammed +it down her throat. This sight put Trimalchio in mind of his own dog and +he ordered Scylax, "the guardian of his house and home," to be brought +in. An enormous dog was immediately led in upon a chain and, obeying a +kick from the porter, it lay down beside the table. Thereupon Trimalchio +remarked, as he threw it a piece of white bread, "No one in all my house +loves me better than Scylax." Enraged at Trimalchio's praising Scylax so +warmly, the slave put the bitch down upon the floor and sicked her on to +fight. Scylax, as might have been expected from such a dog, made the +whole room ring with his hideous barking and nearly shook the life out of +the little bitch which the slave called Pearl. Nor did the uproar end in +a dog fight, a candelabrum was upset upon the table, breaking the glasses +and spattering some of the guests with hot oil. As Trimalchio did not +wish to seem concerned at the loss, he kissed the boy and ordered him to +climb upon his own back. The slave did not hesitate but, mounting his +rocking-horse, he beat Trimalchio's shoulders with his open palms, +yelling with laughter, "Buck! Buck! How many fingers do I hold up!" +When Trimalchio had, in a measure, regained his composure, which took but +a little while, he ordered that a huge vessel be filled with mixed wine, +and that drinks be served to all the slaves sitting around our feet, +adding as an afterthought, "If anyone refuses to drink, pour it on his +head: business is business, but now's the time for fun." + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p144"></a><img alt="p144.jpg (90K)" src="images/p144.jpg" height="803" width="583"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-FIFTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>The dainties that followed this display of affability were of such a +nature that, if any reliance is to be placed in my word, the very mention +of them makes me sick at the stomach. Instead of thrushes, fattened +chickens were served, one to each of us, and goose eggs with pastry caps +on them, which same Trimalchio earnestly entreated us to eat, informing +us that the chickens had all been boned. Just at that instant, however, +a lictor knocked at the dining-room door, and a reveler, clad in white +vestments, entered, followed by a large retinue. Startled at such pomp, +I thought that the Praetor had arrived, so I put my bare feet upon the +floor and started to get up, but Agamemnon laughed at my anxiety and +said, "Keep your seat, you idiot, it's only Habinnas the sevir; he's a +stone mason, and if report speaks true, he makes the finest tombstones +imaginable." Reassured by this information, I lay back upon my couch and +watched Habinnas' entrance with great curiosity. Already drunk and +wearing several wreaths, his forehead smeared with perfume which ran down +into his eyes, he advanced with his hands upon his wife's shoulders, and, +seating himself in the Praetor's place, he called for wine and hot water. +Delighted with his good humor, Trimalchio called for a larger goblet for +himself, and asked him, at the same time, how he had been entertained. +"We had everything except yourself, for my heart and soul were here, but +it was fine, it was, by Hercules. Scissa was giving a Novendial feast +for her slave, whom she freed on his death-bed, and it's my opinion +she'll have a large sum to split with the tax gatherers, for the dead man +was rated at 50,000, but everything went off well, even if we did have to +pour half our wine on the bones of the late lamented." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-SIXTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>"But," demanded Trimalchio, "what did you have for dinner'?" "I'll tell +you if I can," answered he, "for my memory's so good that I often forget +my own name. Let's see, for the first course, we had a hog, crowned with +a wine cup and garnished with cheese cakes and chicken livers cooked well +done, beets, of course, and whole-wheat bread, which I'd rather have +than white, because it puts strength into you, and when I take a crap +afterwards, I don't have to yell. Following this, came a course of +tarts, served cold, with excellent Spanish wine poured over warm honey; +I ate several of the tarts and got the honey all over myself. Then there +were chick-peas and lupines, all the smooth-shelled nuts you wanted, and +an apple apiece, but I got away with two, and here they are, tied up in +my napkin; for I'll have a row on my hands if I don't bring some kind of +a present home to my favorite slave. Oh yes, my wife has just reminded +me, there was a haunch of bear-meat as a side dish, Scintilla ate some of +it without knowing what it was, and she nearly puked up her guts when she +found out. But as for me, I ate more than a pound of it, for it tasted +exactly like wild boar and, says I, if a bear eats a man, shouldn't that +be all the more reason for a man to eat a bear? The last course was soft +cheese, new wine boiled thick, a snail apiece, a helping of tripe, liver +pate, capped eggs, turnips and mustard. But that's enough. Pickled +olives were handed around in a wooden bowl, and some of the party +greedily snatched three handfuls, we had ham, too, but we sent it back." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-SEVENTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>"But why isn't Fortunata at the table, Gaius? Tell me." "What's that," +Trimalchio replied; "don't you know her better than that? She wouldn't +touch even a drop of water till after the silver was put away and the +leftovers divided among the slaves." "I'm going to beat it if she don't +take her place," Habinnas threatened, and started to get up; and then, +at a signal, the slaves all called out together "Fortunata," four times +or more. + +<p>She appeared, girded round with a sash of greenish yellow, below which a +cherry-colored tunic could be seen, and she had on twisted anklets and +sandals worked in gold. Then, wiping her hands upon a handkerchief which +she wore around her neck, she seated herself upon the couch, beside +Scintilla, Habinnas' wife, and clapping her hands and kissing her, "My +dear," she gushed, "is it really you?" Fortunata then removed the +bracelets from her pudgy arms and held them out to the admiring +Scintilla, and by and by she took off her anklets and even her yellow +hair-net, which was twenty-four carats fine, she would have us know! +Trimalchio, who was on the watch, ordered every trinket to be brought to +him. "You see these things, don't you?" he demanded; "they're what +women fetter us with. That's the way us poor suckers are done! These +ought to weigh six pounds and a half. I have an arm-band myself, that +don't weigh a grain under ten pounds; I bought it out of Mercury's +thousandths, too." Finally, for fear he would seem to be lying, he +ordered the scales to be brought in and carried around to prove the +weights. And Scintilla was no better. She took off a small golden +vanity case which she wore around her neck, and which she called her +Lucky Box, and took from it two eardrops, which, in her turn, she handed +to Fortunata to be inspected. "Thanks to the generosity of my husband," +she smirked, "no woman has better." "What's that?" Habinnas demanded. +"You kept on my trail to buy that glass bean for you; if I had a +daughter, I'll be damned if I wouldn't cut off her little ears. We'd +have everything as cheap as dirt if there were no women, but we have to +piss hot and drink cold, the way things are now." The women, angry +though they were, were laughing together, in the meantime, and exchanging +drunken kisses, the one running on about her diligence as a housekeeper, +and the other about the infidelities and neglect of her husband. +Habinnas got up stealthily, while they were clinging together in this +fashion and, seizing Fortunata by the feet, he tipped her over backwards +upon the couch. "Let go!" she screeched, as her tunic slipped above her +knees; then, after pulling down her clothing, she threw herself into +Scintilla's lap, and hid, with her handkerchief, a face which was none +the more beautiful for its blushes. + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p148"></a><img alt="p148.jpg (54K)" src="images/p148.jpg" height="695" width="579"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-EIGHTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>After a short interval, Trimalchio gave orders for the dessert to be +served, whereupon the slaves took away all the tables and brought in +others, and sprinkled the floor with sawdust mixed with saffron and +vermilion, and also with powdered mica, a thing I had never seen done +before. When all this was done Trimalchio remarked, "I could rest +content with this course, for you have your second tables, but, if you've +something especially nice, why bring it on." Meanwhile an Alexandrian +slave boy, who had been serving hot water, commenced to imitate a +nightingale, and when Trimalchio presently called out, "Change your +tune," we had another surprise, for a slave, sitting at Habinnas' feet, +egged on, I have no doubt, by his own master, bawled suddenly in a +singsong voice, "Meanwhile AEneas and all of his fleet held his course on +the billowy deep"; never before had my ears been assailed by a sound so +discordant, for in addition to his barbarous pronunciation, and the +raising and lowering of his voice, he interpolated Atellane verses, and, +for the first time in my life, Virgil grated on my nerves. When he had +to quit, finally, from sheer want of breath, "Did he ever have any +training," Habinnas exclaimed, "no, not he! I educated him by sending +him among the grafters at the fair, so when it comes to taking off a +barker or a mule driver, there's not his equal, and the rogue's clever, +too, he's a shoemaker, or a cook, or a baker a regular jack of all +trades. But he has two faults, and if he didn't have them, he'd be +beyond all price: he snores and he's been circumcised. And that's the +reason he never can keep his mouth shut and always has an eye open. I +paid three hundred dinars for him." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-NINTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>"Yes," Scintilla broke in, "and you've not mentioned all of his +accomplishments either; he's a pimp too, and I'm going to see that he's +branded," she snapped. Trimalchio laughed. "There's where the +Cappadocian comes out," he said; "never cheats himself out of anything +and I admire him for it, so help me Hercules, I do. No one can show a +dead man a good time. Don't be jealous, Scintilla; we're next to you +women, too, believe me. As sure as you see me here safe and sound, I +used to play at thrust and parry with Mamma, my mistress, and finally +even my master got suspicious and sent me back to a stewardship; but keep +quiet, tongue, and I'll give you a cake." Taking all this as praise, the +wretched slave pulled a small earthen lamp from a fold in his garment, +and impersonated a trumpeter for half an hour or more, while Habinnas +hummed with him, holding his finger pressed to his lips. Finally, the +slave stepped out into the middle of the floor and waved his pipes in +imitation of a flute-player; then, with a whip and a smock, he enacted +the part of a mule-driver. At last Habinnas called him over and kissed +him and said, as he poured a drink for him, "You get better all the time, +Massa. I'm going to give you a pair of shoes." Had not the dessert been +brought in, we would never have gotten to the end of these stupidities. +Thrushes made of pastry and stuffed with nuts and raisins, quinces with +spines sticking out so that they looked like sea-urchins. All this would +have been endurable enough had it not been for the last dish that was +served; so revolting was this, that we would rather have died of +starvation than to have even touched it. We thought that a fat goose, +flanked with fish and all kinds of birds, had been served, until +Trimalchio spoke up. "Everything you see here, my friends," said he, +"was made from the same stuff." With my usual keen insight, I jumped to +the conclusion that I knew what that stuff was and, turning to Agamemnon, +I said, "I shall be greatly surprised, if all those things are not made +out of excrement, or out of mud, at the very least: I saw a like artifice +practiced at Rome during the Saturnalia." + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p154"></a><img alt="p154.jpg (61K)" src="images/p154.jpg" height="729" width="545"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTIETH. +</h2><br> +<p>I had not done speaking, when Trimalchio chimed in, "As I hope to grow +fatter in fortune but not in figure, my cook has made all this out of a +hog! It would be simply impossible to meet up with a more valuable +fellow: he'd make you a fish out of a sow's coynte, if that's what you +wanted, a pigeon out of her lard, a turtle-dove out of her ham, and a hen +out of a knuckle of pork: that's why I named him Daedalus, in a happy +moment. I brought him a present of knives, from Rome, because he's so +smart; they're made of Noric steel, too." He ordered them brought in +immediately, and looked them over, with admiration, even giving us the +chance to try their edges upon our cheeks. Then all of a sudden two +slaves came in, carrying on as if they had been fighting at the fountain, +at least; each one had a water-jar hanging from a yoke around his neck. +Trimalchio arbitrated their difference, but neither would abide by his +decision, and each one smashed the other's jar with a club. Perturbed at +the insolence of these drunken ruffians, we watched both of them +narrowly, while they were fighting, and then, what should come pouring +out of the broken jars but oysters and scallops, which a slave picked up +and passed around in a dish. The resourceful cook would not permit +himself to be outdone by such refinements, but served us with snails on a +silver gridiron, and sang continually in a tremulous and very discordant +voice. I am ashamed to have to relate what followed, for, contrary to +all convention, some long-haired boys brought in unguents in a silver +basin and anointed the feet of the reclining guests; but before doing +this, however, they bound our thighs and ankles with garlands of flowers. +They then perfumed the wine-mixing vessel with the same unguent and +poured some of the melted liquid into the lamps. Fortunata had, by this +time, taken a notion that she wanted to dance, and Scintilla was doing +more hand-clapping than talking, when Trimalchio called out, +"Philargyrus, and you too, Carrio, you can both come to the table; +even if you are green faction fans, and tell your bedfellow, Menophila, +to come too." What would you think happened then? We were nearly +crowded off the couches by the mob of slaves that crowded into the +dining-room and almost filled it full. As a matter of fact, I noticed +that our friend the cook, who had made a goose out of a hog, was placed +next to me, and he stunk from sauces and pickle. Not satisfied with a +place at the table, he immediately staged an impersonation of Ephesus the +tragedian, and then he suddenly offered to bet his master that the greens +would take first place in the next circus games. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-FIRST. +</h2><br> +<p>Trimalchio was hugely tickled at this challenge. "Slaves are men, my +friends," he observed, "but that's not all, they sucked the same milk +that we did, even if hard luck has kept them down; and they'll drink the +water of freedom if I live: to make a long story short, I'm freeing all +of them in my will. To Philargyrus, I'm leaving a farm, and his +bedfellow, too. Carrio will get a tenement house and his twentieth, +and a bed and bedclothes to boot. I'm making Fortunata my heir and I +commend her to all my friends. I announce all this in public so that my +household will love me as well now as they will when I'm dead." They all +commenced to pay tribute to the generosity of their master, when he, +putting aside his trifling, ordered a copy of his will brought in, which +same he read aloud from beginning to end, to the groaning accompaniment +of the whole household. Then, looking at Habinnas, "What say you, my +dearest friend," he entreated; "you'll construct my monument in keeping +with the plans I've given you, won't you? I earnestly beg that you carve +a little bitch at the feet of my statue, some wreaths and some jars of +perfume, and all of the fights of Petraites. Then I'll be able to live +even after I'm dead, thanks to your kindness. See to it that it has a +frontage of one hundred feet and a depth of two hundred. I want fruit +trees of every kind planted around my ashes; and plenty of vines, too, +for it's all wrong for a man to deck out his house when he's alive, and +then have no pains taken with the one he must stay in for a longer time, +and that's the reason I particularly desire that this notice be added: + +<center> +<p> --THIS MONUMENT DOES NOT-- +<p> --DESCEND TO AN HEIR-- +</center> + +<p>"In any case, I'll see to it through a clause in my will, that I'm not +insulted when I'm dead. And for fear the rabble comes running up into my +monument, to crap, I'll appoint one of my freedmen custodian of my tomb. +I want you to carve ships under full sail on my monument, and me, in my +robes of office, sitting on my tribunal, five gold rings on my fingers, +pouring out coin from a sack for the people, for I gave a dinner and two +dinars for each guest, as you know. Show a banquet-hall, too, if you +can, and the people in it having a good time. On my right, you can place +a statue of Fortunata holding a dove and leading a little bitch on a +leash, and my favorite boy, and large jars sealed with gypsum, so the +wine won't run out; show one broken and a boy crying over it. Put a +sun-dial in the middle, so that whoever looks to see what time it is must +read my name whether he wants to or not. As for the inscription, think +this over carefully, and see if you think it's appropriate: + +<center> +<p> HERE RESTS G POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO +<p> FREEDMAN OF MAECENAS DECREED +<p> AUGUSTAL, SEVIR IN HIS ABSENCE +<p> HE COULD HAVE BEEN A MEMBER OF +<p> EVERY DECURIA OF ROME BUT WOULD +<p> NOT CONSCIENTIOUS BRAVE LOYAL +<p> HE GREW RICH FROM LITTLE AND LEFT +<p> THIRTY MILLION SESTERCES BEHIND +<p> HE NEVER HEARD A PHILOSOPHER +<p> FAREWELL TRIMALCHIO +<p> FAREWELL PASSERBY" +</center> + + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-SECOND.</h2> +<br> +<p>When he had repeated these words, Trimalchio began to weep copiously, +Fortunata was crying already, and so was Habinnas, and at last, the whole +household filled the dining-room with their lamentations, just as if they +were taking part in a funeral. Even I was beginning to sniffle, when +Trimalchio said, "Let's live while we can, since we know we've all got to +die. I'd rather see you all happy, anyhow, so let's take a plunge in the +bath. You'll never regret it. I'll bet my life on that, it's as hot as +a furnace!" "Fine business," seconded Habinnas, "there's nothing suits +me better than making two days out of one," and he got up in his bare +feet to follow Trimalchio, who was clapping his hands. I looked at +Ascyltos. "What do you think about this?" I asked. "The very sight of a +bath will be the death of me." "Let's fall in with his suggestion," he +replied, "and while they are hunting for the bath we will escape in the +crowd." Giton led us out through the porch, when we had reached this +understanding, and we came to a door, where a dog on a chain startled us +so with his barking that Ascyltos immediately fell into the fish-pond. +As for myself, I was tipsy and had been badly frightened by a dog that +was only a painting, and when I tried to haul the swimmer out, I was +dragged into the pool myself. The porter finally came to our rescue, +quieted the dog by his appearance, and pulled us, shivering, to dry land. +Giton had ransomed himself by a very cunning scheme, for what we had +saved for him, from dinner, he threw to the barking brute, which then +calmed its fury and became engrossed with the food. But when, with +chattering teeth, we besought the porter to let us out at the door, "If +you think you can leave by the same door you came in at," he replied, +"you're mistaken: no guest is ever allowed to go out through the same +door he came in at; some are for entrance, others for exit." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p162"></a><img alt="p162.jpg (89K)" src="images/p162.jpg" height="763" width="591"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-THIRD. +</h2><br> +<p>What were we miserable wretches to do, shut up in this newfangled +labyrinth. The idea of taking a hot bath had commenced to grow in favor, +so we finally asked the porter to lead us to the place and, throwing off +our clothing, which Giton spread out in the hall to dry, we went in. +It was very small, like a cold water cistern; Trimalchio was standing +upright in it, and one could not escape his disgusting bragging even +here. He declared that there was nothing nicer than bathing without a +mob around, and that a bakery had formerly occupied this very spot. +Tired out at last, he sat down, but when the echoes of the place tempted +him, he lifted his drunken mouth to the ceiling, and commenced murdering +the songs of Menacrates, at least that is what we were told by those who +understood his language. Some of the guests joined hands and ran around +the edge of the pool, making the place ring with their boisterous peals +of laughter; others tried to pick rings up from the floor, with their +hands tied behind them, or else, going down upon their knees, tried to +touch the ends of their toes by bending backwards. We went down into the +pool while the rest were taking part in such amusements. It was being +heated for Trimalchio. When the fumes of the wine had been dissipated, +we were conducted into another dining-room where Fortunata had laid out +her own treasures; I noticed, for instance, that there were little bronze +fishermen upon the lamps, the tables were of solid silver, the cups were +porcelain inlaid with gold; before our eyes wine was being strained +through a straining cloth. "One of my slaves shaves his first beard +today," Trimalchio remarked, at length, "a promising, honest, thrifty +lad; may he have no bad luck, so let's get our skins full and stick +around till morning." + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p164"></a><img alt="p164.jpg (102K)" src="images/p164.jpg" height="781" width="579"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-FOURTH. +</h2><br> +<p>He had not ceased speaking when a cock crowed! Alarmed at this omen, +Trimalchio ordered wine thrown under the table and told them to sprinkle +the lamps with it; and he even went so far as to change his ring from his +left hand to his right. "That trumpeter did not sound off without a +reason," he remarked; "there's either a fire in the neighborhood, or else +someone's going to give up the ghost. I hope it's none of us! Whoever +brings that Jonah in shall have a present." He had no sooner made this +promise, than a cock was brought in from somewhere in the neighborhood +and Trimalchio ordered the cook to prepare it for the pot. That same +versatile genius who had but a short time before made birds and fish out +of a hog, cut it up; it was then consigned to the kettle, and while +Daedalus was taking a long hot drink, Fortunata ground pepper in a +boxwood mill. When these delicacies had been consumed, Trimalchio looked +the slaves over. "You haven't had anything to eat yet, have you?" he +asked. "Get out and let another relay come on duty." Thereupon a second +relay came in. "Farewell, Gaius," cried those going off duty, and "Hail, +Gaius," cried those coming on. Our hilarity was somewhat dampened soon +after, for a boy, who was by no means bad looking, came in among the +fresh slaves. Trimalchio seized him and kissed him lingeringly, +whereupon Fortunata, asserting her rights in the house, began to rail at +Trimalchio, styling him an abomination who set no limits to his lechery, +finally ending by calling him a dog. Trimalchio flew into a rage at her +abuse and threw a wine cup at her head, whereupon she screeched, as if +she had had an eye knocked out and covered her face with her trembling +hands. Scintilla was frightened, too, and shielded the shuddering woman +with her garment. An officious slave presently held a cold water pitcher +to her cheek and Fortunata bent over it, sobbing and moaning. But as for +Trimalchio, "What the hell's next?" he gritted out, "this Syrian +dancing-whore don't remember anything! I took her off the auction block +and made her a woman among her equals, didn't I? And here she puffs +herself up like a frog and pukes in her own nest; she's a blockhead, all +right, not a woman. But that's the way it is, if you're born in an attic +you can't sleep in a palace I'll see that this booted Cassandra's tamed, +so help me my Genius, I will! And I could have married ten million, even +if I did only have two cents: you know I'm not lying! 'Let me give you a +tip,' said Agatho, the perfumer to the lady next door, when he pulled me +aside: 'don't let your line die out!' And here I've stuck the ax into my +own leg because I was a damned fool and didn't want to seem fickle. I'll +see to it that you're more careful how you claw me up, sure as you're +born, I will! That you may realize how seriously I take what you've done +to me-- Habinnas, I don't want you to put her statue on my tomb for fear +I'll be nagged even after I'm dead! And furthermore, that she may know I +can repay a bad turn, I won't have her kissing me when I'm laid out!" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-FIFTH. +</h2><br> +<p>When Trimalchio had launched this thunderbolt, Habinnas commenced to +beg him to control his anger. "There's not one of us but goes wrong +sometimes," argued he; "we're not gods, we're men." Scintilla also cried +out through her tears, calling him "Gaius," and entreating him by his +guardian angel to be mollified. Trimalchio could restrain the tears no +longer. "Habinnas," he blubbered, "as you hope to enjoy your money, spit +in my face if I've done anything wrong. I kissed him because he's very +thrifty, not because he's a pretty boy. He can recite his division table +and read a book at sight: he bought himself a Thracian uniform from his +savings from his rations, and a stool and two dippers, with his own +money, too. He's worth my attention, ain't he? But Fortunata won't see +it! Ain't that the truth, you high-stepping hussy'? Let me beg you to +make the best of what you've got, you shekite, and don't make me show my +teeth, my little darling, or you'll find out what my temper's like! +Believe me, when once I've made up my mind, I'm as fixed as a spike in a +beam! But let's think of the living. I hope you'll all make yourselves +at home, gentlemen: I was in your fix myself once; but rose to what I am +now by my own merit. It's the brains that makes the man, all the rest's +bunk. I buy well, I sell well, someone else will tell you a different +story, but as for myself, I'm fairly busting with prosperity. What, +grunting-sow, still bawling? I'll see to it that you've something to +bawl for, but as I started to say, it was my thrift that brought me to +my fortune. I was just as tall as that candlestick when I came over from +Asia; every day I used to measure myself by it, and I would smear my lips +with oil so my beard would sprout all the sooner. I was my master's +'mistress' for fourteen years, for there's nothing wrong in doing what +your master orders, and I satisfied my mistress, too, during that time, +you know what I mean, but I'll say no more, for I'm not one of your +braggarts!" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-SIXTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>"At last it came about by the will of the gods that I was master in the +house, and I had the real master under my thumb then. What is there +left to tell? I was made co-heir with Caesar and came into a Senator's +fortune. But nobody's ever satisfied with what he's got, so I embarked +in business. I won't keep you long in suspense; I built five ships and +loaded them with wine--worth its weight in gold, it was then--and sent +them to Rome. You'd think I'd ordered it so, for every last one of them +foundered; it's a fact, no fairy tale about it, and Neptune swallowed +thirty million sesterces in one day! You don't think I lost my pep, do +you? By Hercules, no! That was only an appetizer for me, just as if +nothing at all had happened. I built other and bigger ships, better +found, too, so no one could say I wasn't game. A big ship's a big +venture, you know. I loaded them up with wine again, bacon, beans, +Capuan perfumes, and slaves: Fortunata did the right thing in this +affair, too, for she sold every piece of jewelry and all her clothes into +the bargain, and put a hundred gold pieces in my hand. They were the +nest-egg of my fortune. A thing's soon done when the gods will it; +I cleared ten million sesterces by that voyage, all velvet, and bought +in all the estates that had belonged to my patron, right away. I built +myself a house and bought cattle to resell, and whatever I touched grew +just like a honeycomb. I chucked the game when I got to have an income +greater than all the revenues of my own country, retired from business, +and commenced to back freedmen. I never liked business anyhow, as far as +that goes, and was just about ready to quit when an astrologer, a Greek +fellow he was, and his name was Serapa, happened to light in our colony, +and he slipped me some information and advised me to quit. He was hep to +all the secrets of the gods: told me things about myself that I'd +forgotten, and explained everything to me from needle and thread up; knew +me inside out, he did, and only stopped short of telling me what I'd had +for dinner the day before. You'd have thought he'd lived with me +always!" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-SEVENTH. +</h2><br> +<p>"Habinnas, you were there, I think, I'll leave it to you; +didn't he say--'You took your wife out of a whore-house'? you're as lucky in your +friends, too, no one ever repays your favor with another, you own broad +estates, you nourish a viper under your wing, and--why shouldn't I tell +it--I still have thirty years, four months, and two days to live! I'll +also come into another bequest shortly. That's what my horoscope tells +me. If I can extend my boundaries so as to join Apulia, I'll think I've +amounted to something in this life! I built this house with Mercury on +the job, anyhow; it was a hovel, as you know, it's a palace now! Four +dining-rooms, twenty bed-rooms, two marble colonnades, a store-room +upstairs, a bed-room where I sleep myself, a sitting-room for this viper, +a very good room for the porter, a guest-chamber for visitors. As a +matter of fact, Scaurus, when he was here, would stay nowhere else, +although he has a family place on the seashore. I'll show you many other +things, too, in a jiffy; believe me, if you have an as, you'll be rated +at what you have. So your humble servant, who was a frog, is now a king. +Stychus, bring out my funereal vestments while we wait, the ones I'll be +carried out in, some perfume, too, and a draught of the wine in that jar, +I mean the kind I intend to have my bones washed in." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-EIGHTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>It was not long before Stychus brought a white shroud and a +purple-bordered toga into the dining-room, and Trimalchio requested us to feel +them and see if they were pure wool. Then, with a smile, "Take care, +Stychus, that the mice don't get at these things and gnaw them, or the +moths either. I'll burn you alive if they do. I want to be carried out +in all my glory so all the people will wish me well." Then, opening a +jar of nard, he had us all anointed. "I hope I'll enjoy this as well +when I'm dead," he remarked, "as I do while I'm alive." He then ordered +wine to be poured into the punch-bowl. "Pretend," said he, "that you're +invited to my funeral feast." The thing had grown positively nauseating, +when Trimalchio, beastly drunk by now, bethought himself of a new and +singular diversion and ordered some horn- blowers brought into the +dining-room. Then, propped up by many cushions, he stretched himself out +upon the couch. "Let on that I'm dead," said he, "and say something nice +about me." The horn-blowers sounded off a loud funeral march together, +and one in particular, a slave belonging to an undertaker, made such a +fanfare that he roused the whole neighborhood, and the watch, which was +patrolling the vicinity, thinking Trimalchio's house was afire, suddenly +smashed in the door and rushed in with their water and axes, as is their +right, raising a rumpus all their own. We availed ourselves of this +happy circumstance and, leaving Agamemnon in the lurch, we took to our +heels, as though we were running away from a real conflagration. + + +<br><br> +<hr> +<br><br> +<br><br> +<br><br> + + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Satyricon, Vol. 2 (The Dinner of +Trimalchio), by Petronius Arbiter + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SATYRICON, VOL. 2 *** + +***** This file should be named 5219-h.htm or 5219-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/1/5219/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Satyricon, Vol. 2 (The Dinner of Trimalchio) + +Author: Petronius Arbiter + +Release Date: May 22, 2004 [EBook #5219] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SATYRICON, VOL. 2 *** + + + + +Produced by David Widger + + + + +[NOTE: There is a short list of bookmarks, or pointers, at the end of the +file for those who may wish to sample the author's ideas before making an +entire meal of them. D.W.] + + + + + + THE SATYRICON OF + PETRONIUS ARBITER + + Complete and unexpurgated translation by W. C. Firebaugh, + in which are incorporated the forgeries of Nodot and Marchena, + and the readings introduced into the text by De Salas. + +BRACKET CODE: + (Forgeries of Nodot) + [Forgeries of Marchena] + {Additions of De Salas} + DW + +VOLUME 2.--THE DINNER OF TRIMALCHIO + + +CHAPTER THE TWENTY-SEVENTH. + +Having put on our clothes, in the meantime, we commenced to stroll around +and soon, the better to amuse ourselves, approached the circle of +players; all of a sudden we caught sight of a bald-headed old fellow, +rigged out in a russet colored tunic, playing ball with some long haired +boys. It was not so much the boys who attracted our attention, although +they might well have merited it, as it was the spectacle afforded by this +beslippered paterfamilias playing with a green ball. If one but touched +the ground, he never stooped for it to put it back in play; for a slave +stood by with a bagful from which the players were supplied. We noted +other innovations as well, for two eunuchs were stationed at opposite +sides of the ring, one of whom held a silver chamber-pot, the other +counted the balls; not those which bounced back and forth from hand to +hand, in play, but those which fell to the ground. While we were +marveling at this display of refinement, Menelaus rushed up, "He is the +one with whom you will rest upon your elbow," he panted, "what you see +now, is only a prelude to the dinner." Menelaus had scarcely ceased +speaking when Trimalchio snapped his fingers; the eunuch, hearing the +signal, held the chamber-pot for him while he still continued playing. +After relieving his bladder, he called for water to wash his hands, +barely moistened his fingers, and dried them upon a boy's head. + + + + +CHAPTER THE TWENTY-EIGHTH. + +To go into details would take too long. We entered the bath, finally, +and after sweating for a minute or two in the warm room, we passed +through into the cold water. But short as was the time, Trimalchio had +already been sprinkled with perfume and was being rubbed down, not with +linen towels, however, but with cloths made from the finest wool. +Meanwhile, three masseurs were guzzling Falernian under his eyes, and +when they spilled a great deal of it in their brawling, Trimalchio +declared they were pouring a libation to his Genius. He was then wrapped +in a coarse scarlet wrap-rascal, and placed in a litter. Four runners, +whose liveries were decorated with metal plates, preceded him, as also +did a wheel-chair in which rode his favorite, a withered, blear eyed +slave, even more repulsive looking than his master. A singing boy +approached the head of his litter, as he was being carried along, and +played upon small pipes the whole way, just as if he were communicating +some secret to his master's ear. Marveling greatly, we followed, and met +Agamemnon at the outer door, to the post of which was fastened a small +tablet bearing this inscription: + + NO SLAVE TO LEAVE THE PREMISES + WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM THE MASTER. + PENALTY ONE HUNDRED LASHES. + +In the vestibule stood the porter, clad in green and girded with a +cherry-colored belt, shelling peas into a silver dish. Above the +threshold was suspended a golden cage, from which a black and white +magpie greeted the visitors. + + + + +CHAPTER THE TWENTY-NINTH. + +I almost fell backwards and broke my legs while staring at all this, for +to the left, as we entered, not far from the porter's alcove, an enormous +dog upon a chain was painted upon the wall, and above him this +inscription, in capitals: + + BEWARE THE DOG. + +My companions laughed, but I plucked up my courage and did not hesitate, +but went on and examined the entire wall. There was a scene in a slave +market, the tablets hanging from the slaves' necks, and Trimalchio +himself, wearing his hair long, holding a caduceus in his hand, entering +Rome, led by the hand of Minerva. Then again the painstaking artist had +depicted him casting up accounts, and still again, being appointed +steward; everything being explained by inscriptions. Where the walls +gave way to the portico, Mercury was shown lifting him up by the chin, +to a tribunal placed on high. Near by stood Fortune with her horn of +plenty, and the three Fates, spinning golden flax. I also took note of a +group of runners, in the portico, taking their exercise under the eye of +an instructor, and in one corner was a large cabinet, in which was a very +small shrine containing silver Lares, a marble Venus, and a golden casket +by no means small, which held, so they told us, the first shavings of +Trimalchio's beard. I asked the hall-porter what pictures were in the +middle hall. "The Iliad and the Odyssey," he replied, "and the +gladiatorial games given under Laenas." There was no time in which to +examine them all. + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTIETH. + +We had now come to the dining-room, at the entrance to which sat a +factor, receiving accounts, and, what gave me cause for astonishment, +rods and axes were fixed to the door-posts, superimposed, as it were, +upon the bronze beak of a ship, whereon was inscribed: + + TO GAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO + AUGUSTAL, SEVIR + FROM CINNAMUS HIS + STEWARD. + +A double lamp, suspended from the ceiling, hung beneath the inscription, +and a tablet was fixed to each door-post; one, if my memory serves me, +was inscribed, + + ON DECEMBER THIRTIETH AND + THIRTY FIRST + OUR + GAIUS DINES OUT + +the other bore a painting of the moon in her phases, and the seven +planets, and the days which were lucky and those which were unlucky, +distinguished by distinctive studs. We had had enough of these novelties +and started to enter the dining-room when a slave, detailed to this duty, +cried out, "Right foot first." Naturally, we were afraid that some of us +might break some rule of conduct and cross the threshold the wrong way; +nevertheless, we started out, stepping off together with the right foot, +when all of a sudden, a slave who had been stripped, threw himself at our +feet, and commenced begging us to save him from punishment, as it was no +serious offense for which he was in jeopardy; the steward's clothing had +been stolen from him in the baths, and the whole value could scarcely +amount to ten sesterces. So we drew back our right feet and intervened +with the steward, who was counting gold pieces in the hall, begging him +to remit the slave's punishment. Putting a haughty face on the matter, +"It's not the loss I mind so much," he said, "as it is the carelessness +of this worthless rascal. He lost my dinner clothes, given me on my +birthday they were, by a certain client, Tyrian purple too, but it had +been washed once already. But what does it amount to? I make you a +present of the scoundrel!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-FIRST. + +We felt deeply obligated by his great condescension, and the same +slave for whom we had interceded, rushed up to us as we entered the +dining-room, and to our astonishment, kissed us thick and fast, voicing +his thanks for our kindness. "You'll know in a minute whom you did a +favor for," he confided, "the master's wine is the thanks of a grateful +butler!" At length we reclined, and slave boys from Alexandria poured +water cooled with snow upon our hands, while others following, attended +to our feet and removed the hangnails with wonderful dexterity, nor were +they silent even during this disagreeable operation, but they all kept +singing at their work. I was desirous of finding out whether the whole +household could sing, so I ordered a drink; a boy near at hand instantly +repeated my order in a singsong voice fully as shrill, and whichever one +you accosted did the same. You would not imagine that this was the +dining-room of a private gentleman, but rather that it was an exhibition +of pantomimes. A very inviting relish was brought on, for by now all the +couches were occupied save only that of Trimalchio, for whom, after a new +custom, the chief place was reserved. + +On the tray stood a donkey made of Corinthian bronze, bearing panniers +containing olives, white in one and black in the other. Two platters +flanked the figure, on the margins of which were engraved Trimalchio's +name and the weight of the silver in each. Dormice sprinkled with +poppy-seed and honey were served on little bridges soldered fast to the +platter, and hot sausages on a silver gridiron, underneath which were +damson plums and pomegranate seeds. + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-SECOND. + +We Were in the midst of these delicacies when, to the sound of music, +Trimalchio himself was carried in and bolstered up in a nest of small +cushions, which forced a snicker from the less wary. A shaven poll +protruded from a scarlet mantle, and around his neck, already muffled +with heavy clothing, he had tucked a napkin having a broad purple stripe +and a fringe that hung down all around. On the little finger of his left +hand he wore a massive gilt ring, and on the first joint of the next +finger, a smaller one which seemed to me to be of pure gold, but as a +matter of fact it had iron stars soldered on all around it. And then, +for fear all of his finery would not be displayed, he bared his right +arm, adorned with a golden arm-band and an ivory circlet clasped with a +plate of shining metal. + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-THIRD. + +Picking his teeth with a silver quill, "Friends," said he, "it was not +convenient for me to come into the dining-room just yet, but for fear my +absence should cause you any inconvenience, I gave over my own pleasure: +permit me, however, to finish my game." A slave followed with a +terebinth table and crystal dice, and I noted one piece of luxury that +was superlative; for instead of black and white pieces, he used gold and +silver coins. He kept up a continual flow of various coarse expressions. +We were still dallying with the relishes when a tray was brought in, on +which was a basket containing a wooden hen with her wings rounded and +spread out as if she were brooding. Two slaves instantly approached, and +to the accompaniment of music, commenced to feel around in the straw. +They pulled out some pea-hen's eggs, which they distributed among the +diners. Turning his head, Trimalchio saw what was going on. "Friends," +he remarked. "I ordered pea-hen's eggs set under the hen, but I'm afraid +they're addled, by Hercules I am let's try them anyhow, and see if +they're still fit to suck." We picked up our spoons, each of which +weighed not less than half a pound, and punctured the shells, which were +made of flour and dough, and as a matter of fact, I very nearly threw +mine away for it seemed to me that a chick had formed already, but upon +hearing an old experienced guest vow, "There must be something good +here," I broke open the shell with my hand and discovered a fine fat +fig-pecker, imbedded in a yolk seasoned with pepper. + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-FOURTH. + +Having finished his game, Trimalchio was served with a helping of +everything and was announcing in a loud voice his willingness to join +anyone in a second cup of honied wine, when, to a flourish of music, the +relishes were suddenly whisked away by a singing chorus, but a small dish +happened to fall to the floor, in the scurry, and a slave picked it up. +Seeing this, Trimalchio ordered that the boy be punished by a box on the +ear, and made him throw it down again; a janitor followed with his broom +and swept the silver dish away among the litter. Next followed two +long-haired Ethiopians, carrying small leather bottles, such as are +commonly seen in the hands of those who sprinkle sand in the arena, and +poured wine upon our hands, for no one offered us water. When +complimented upon these elegant extras, the host cried out, "Mars loves +a fair fight: and so I ordered each one a separate table: that way these +stinking slaves won't make us so hot with their crowding." Some glass +bottles carefully sealed with gypsum were brought in at that instant; a +label bearing this inscription was fastened to the neck of each one: + + OPIMIAN FALERNIAN + ONE HUNDRED YEARS OLD. + +While we were studying the labels, Trimalchio clapped his hands and +cried, "Ah me! To think that wine lives longer than poor little man. +Let's fill 'em up! There's life in wine and this is the real Opimian, +you can take my word for that. I offered no such vintage yesterday, +though my guests were far more respectable." We were tippling away and +extolling all these elegant devices, when a slave brought in a silver +skeleton, so contrived that the joints and movable vertebra could be +turned in any direction. He threw it down upon the table a time or two, +and its mobile articulation caused it to assume grotesque attitudes, +whereupon Trimalchio chimed in: + + "Poor man is nothing in the scheme of things + And Orcus grips us and to Hades flings + Our bones! This skeleton before us here + Is as important as we ever were! + Let's live then while we may and life is dear." + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-FIFTH. + +The applause was followed by a course which, by its oddity, drew every +eye, but it did not come up to our expectations. There was a circular +tray around which were displayed the signs of the zodiac, and upon each +sign the caterer had placed the food best in keeping with it. Ram's +vetches on Aries, a piece of beef on Taurus, kidneys and lamb's fry on +Gemini, a crown on Cancer, the womb of an unfarrowed sow on Virgo, an +African fig on Leo, on Libra a balance, one pan of which held a tart and +the other a cake, a small seafish on Scorpio, a bull's eye on +Sagittarius, a sea lobster on Capricornus, a goose on Aquarius and two +mullets on Pisces. In the middle lay a piece of cut sod upon which +rested a honeycomb with the grass arranged around it. An Egyptian slave +passed bread around from a silver oven and in a most discordant voice +twisted out a song in the manner of the mime in the musical farce called +Laserpitium. Seeing that we were rather depressed at the prospect of +busying ourselves with such vile fare, Trimalchio urged us to fall to: +"Let us fall to, gentlemen, I beg of you, this is only the sauce!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-SIXTH. + +While he was speaking, four dancers ran in to the time of the music, +and removed the upper part of the tray. Beneath, on what seemed to be +another tray, we caught sight of stuffed capons and sows' bellies, and in +the middle, a hare equipped with wings to resemble Pegasus. At the +corners of the tray we also noted four figures of Marsyas and from their +bladders spouted a highly spiced sauce upon fish which were swimming +about as if in a tide-race. All of us echoed the applause which was +started by the servants, and fell to upon these exquisite delicacies, +with a laugh. "Carver," cried Trimalchio, no less delighted with the +artifice practised upon us, and the carver appeared immediately. Timing +his strokes to the beat of the music he cut up the meat in such a fashion +as to lead you to think that a gladiator was fighting from a chariot to +the accompaniment of a water-organ. Every now and then Trimalchio would +repeat "Carver, Carver," in a low voice, until I finally came to the +conclusion that some joke was meant in repeating a word so frequently, so +I did not scruple to question him who reclined above me. As he had often +experienced byplay of this sort he explained, "You see that fellow who is +carving the meat, don't you? Well, his name is Carver. Whenever +Trimalchio says Carver, carve her, by the same word, he both calls and +commands!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-SEVENTH. + +I could eat no more, so I turned to my whilom informant to learn as much +as I could and sought to draw him out with far-fetched gossip. I +inquired who that woman could be who was scurrying about hither and yon +in such a fashion. "She's called Fortunata," he replied. "She's the +wife of Trimalchio, and she measures her money by the peck. And only a +little while ago, what was she! May your genius pardon me, but you would +not have been willing to take a crust of bread from her hand. Now, +without rhyme or reason, she's in the seventh heaven and is Trimalchio's +factotum, so much so that he would believe her if she told him it was +dark when it was broad daylight! As for him, he don't know how rich he +is, but this harlot keeps an eye on everything and where you least expect +to find her, you're sure to run into her. She's temperate, sober, full +of good advice, and has many good qualities, but she has a scolding +tongue, a very magpie on a sofa, those she likes, she likes, but those +she dislikes, she dislikes! Trimalchio himself has estates as broad as +the flight of a kite is long, and piles of money. There's more silver +plate lying in his steward's office than other men have in their whole +fortunes! And as for slaves, damn me if I believe a tenth of them knows +the master by sight. The truth is, that these stand-a-gapes are so much +in awe of him that any one of them would step into a fresh dunghill +without ever knowing it, at a mere nod from him!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-EIGHTH. + +"And don't you get the idea that he buys anything; everything is produced +at home, wool, pitch, pepper, if you asked for hen's milk you would get +it. Because he wanted his wool to rival other things in quality, he +bought rams at Tarentum and sent 'em into his flocks with a slap on the +arse. He had bees brought from Attica, so he could produce Attic honey +at home, and, as a side issue, so he could improve the native bees by +crossing with the Greek. He even wrote to India for mushroom seed one +day, and he hasn't a single mule that wasn't sired by a wild ass. Do you +see all those cushions? Not a single one but what is stuffed with either +purple or scarlet wool! He hasn't anything to worry about! Look out how +you criticise those other fellow-freedmen-friends of his, they're all +well heeled. See the fellow reclining at the bottom of the end couch? +He's worth his 800,000 any day, and he rose from nothing. Only a short +while ago he had to carry faggots on his own back. I don't know how true +it is, but they say that he snatched off an Incubo's hat and found a +treasure! For my part, I don't envy any man anything that was given him +by a god. He still carries the marks of his box on the ear, and he isn't +wishing himself any bad luck! He posted this notice, only the other day: + + CAIUS POMPONIUS DIOGENES HAS + PURCHASED A HOUSE + THIS GARNET FOR RENT AFTER + THE KALENDS OF JULY. + +"What do you think of the fellow in the freedman's place? He has a good +front, too, hasn't he? And he has a right to. He saw his fortune +multiplied tenfold, but he lost heavily through speculation at the last. +I don't think he can call his very hair his own, and it is no fault of +his either, by Hercules, it isn't. There's no better fellow anywhere his +rascally freedmen cheated him out of everything. You know very well how +it is; everybody's business is nobody's business, and once let business +affairs start to go wrong, your friends will stand from under! Look at +the fix he's in, and think what a fine trade he had! He used to be an +undertaker. He dined like a king, boars roasted whole in their shaggy +Bides, bakers' pastries, birds, cooks and bakers! More wine was spilled +under his table than another has in his wine cellar. His life was like a +pipe dream, not like an ordinary mortal's. When his affairs commenced to +go wrong, and he was afraid his creditors would guess that he was +bankrupt, he advertised an auction and this was his placard: + + JULIUS PROCULUS WILL SELL AT + AUCTION HIS SUPERFLUOUS + FURNITURE" + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-NINTH. + +Trimalchio broke in upon this entertaining gossip, for the course had +been removed and the guests, happy with wine, had started a general +conversation: lying back upon his couch, "You ought to make this wine go +down pleasantly," he said, "the fish must have something to swim in. But +I say, you didn't think I'd be satisfied with any such dinner as you saw +on the top of that tray? 'Is Ulysses no better known?' Well, well, we +shouldn't forget our culture, even at dinner. May the bones of my patron +rest in peace, he wanted me to become a man among men. No one can show +me anything new, and that little tray has proved it. This heaven where +the gods live, turns into as many different signs, and sometimes into the +Ram: therefore, whoever is born under that sign will own many flocks and +much wool, a hard head, a shameless brow, and a sharp horn. A great many +school-teachers and rambunctious butters-in are born under that sign." +We applauded the wonderful penetration of our astrologer and he ran on, +"Then the whole heaven turns into a bull-calf and the kickers and +herdsmen and those who see to it that their own bellies are full, come +into the world. Teams of horses and oxen are born under the Twins, and +well-hung wenchers and those who bedung both sides of the wall. I was +born under the Crab and therefore stand on many legs and own much +property on land and sea, for the crab is as much at home on one as he is +in the other. For that reason, I put nothing on that sign for fear of +weighing down my own destiny. Bulldozers and gluttons are born under the +Lion, and women and fugitives and chain-gangs are born under the Virgin. +Butchers and perfumers are born under the Balance, and all who think that +it is their business to straighten things out. Poisoners and assassins +are born under the Scorpion. Cross-eyed people who look at the +vegetables and sneak away with the bacon, are born under the Archer. +Horny-handed sons of toil are born under Capricorn. Bartenders and +pumpkin-heads are born under the Water-Carrier. Caterers and +rhetoricians are born under the Fishes: and so the world turns round, +just like a mill, and something bad always comes to the top, and men are +either being born or else they're dying. As to the sod and the honeycomb +in the middle, for I never do anything without a reason, Mother Earth is +in the centre, round as an egg, and all that is good is found in her, +just like it is in a honeycomb." + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTIETH. + +"Bravo!" we yelled, and, with hands uplifted to the ceiling, we swore +that such fellows as Hipparchus and Aratus were not to be compared with +him. At length some slaves came in who spread upon the couches some +coverlets upon which were embroidered nets and hunters stalking their +game with boar-spears, and all the paraphernalia of the chase. We knew +not what to look for next, until a hideous uproar commenced, just outside +the dining-room door, and some Spartan hounds commenced to run around the +table all of a sudden. A tray followed them, upon which was served a +wild boar of immense size, wearing a liberty cap upon its head, and from +its tusks hung two little baskets of woven palm fibre, one of which +contained Syrian dates, the other, Theban. Around it hung little +suckling pigs made from pastry, signifying that this was a brood-sow with +her pigs at suck. It turned out that these were souvenirs intended to be +taken home. When it came to carving the boar, our old friend Carver, who +had carved the capons, did not appear, but in his place a great bearded +giant, with bands around his legs, and wearing a short hunting cape in +which a design was woven. Drawing his hunting-knife, he plunged it +fiercely into the boar's side, and some thrushes flew out of the gash. +fowlers, ready with their rods, caught them in a moment, as they +fluttered around the room and Trimalchio ordered one to each guest, +remarking, "Notice what fine acorns this forest-bred boar fed on," and as +he spoke, some slaves removed the little baskets from the tusks and +divided the Syrian and Theban dates equally among the diners. + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-FIRST. + +Getting a moment to myself, in the meantime, I began to speculate as to +why the boar had come with a liberty cap upon his head. After exhausting +my invention with a thousand foolish guesses, I made bold to put the +riddle which teased me to my old informant. "Why, sure," he replied, +"even your slave could explain that; there's no riddle, everything's as +plain as day! This boar made his first bow as the last course of +yesterday's dinner and was dismissed by the guests, so today he comes +back as a freedman!" I damned my stupidity and refrained from asking any +more questions for fear I might leave the impression that I had never +dined among decent people before. While we were speaking, a handsome +boy, crowned with vine leaves and ivy, passed grapes around, in a little +basket, and impersonated Bacchus-happy, Bacchus-drunk, and +Bacchus-dreaming, reciting, in the meantime, his master's verses, in a +shrill voice. Trimalchio turned to him and said, "Dionisus, be thou +Liber," whereupon the boy immediately snatched the cap from the boar's +head, and put it upon his own. At that Trimalchio added, "You can't +deny that my father's middle name was Liber!" We applauded Trimalchio's +conceit heartily, and kissed the boy as he went around. Trimalchio +retired to the close-stool, after this course, and we, having freedom of +action with the tyrant away, began to draw the other guests out. After +calling for a bowl of wine, Dama spoke up, "A day's nothing at all: it's +night before you can turn around, so you can't do better than to go +right to the dining-room from your bed. It's been so cold that I can +hardly get warm in a bath, but a hot drink's as good as an overcoat: +I've had some long pegs, and between you and me, I'm a bit groggy; the +booze has gone to my head." + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-SECOND. + +Here Seleucus took up the tale. "I don't bathe every day," he confided, +"a bath uses you up like a fuller: water's got teeth and your strength +wastes away a little every day; but when I've downed a pot of mead, I +tell the cold to suck my cock! I couldn't bathe today anyway, because I +was at a funeral; dandy fellow, he was too, good old Chrysanthus slipped +his wind! Why, only the other day he said good morning' to me, and I +almost think I'm talking to him now! Gawd's truth, we're only blown-up +bladders strutting around, we're less than flies, for they have some good +in them, but we're only bubbles. And supposing he had not kept to such a +low diet! Why, not a drop of water or a crumb of bread so much as passed +his lips for five days; and yet he joined the majority! Too many doctors +did away with him, or rather, his time had come, for a doctor's not good +for anything except for a consolation to your mind! He was well carried +out, anyhow, in the very bed he slept in during his lifetime. And he was +covered with a splendid pall: the mourning was tastefully managed; he had +freed some slaves; even though his wife was sparing with her tears: and +what if he hadn't treated her so well! But when you come to women, women +all belong to the kite species: no one ought to waste a good turn upon +one of them; it's just like throwing it down a well! An old love's like +a cancer!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-THIRD. + +He was becoming very tiresome, and Phileros cried out, "Let's think about +the living! He has what was coming to him, he lived respectably, and +respectably he died. What's he got to kick about'? He made his pile +from an as, and would pick a quadrans out of a dunghill with his teeth, +any old time. And he grew richer and richer, of course: just like a +honeycomb. I expect that he left all of a hundred thousand, by Hercules, +I do! All in cold cash, too; but I've eaten dog's tongue and must speak +the truth: he was foul-mouthed, had a ready tongue, he was a trouble +maker and no man. Now his brother was a good fellow, a friend to his +friend, free-handed, and he kept a liberal table. He picked a loser at +the start, but his first vintage set him upon his legs, for he sold his +wine at the figure he demanded, and, what made him hold his head higher +still, he came into a legacy from which he stole more than had been left +to him. Then that fool friend of yours, in a fit of anger at his +brother, willed his property away to some son-of-a-bitch or other, who +he was, I don't know, but when a man runs away from his own kin, he has +a long way to go! And what's more, he had some slaves who were +ear-specialists at the keyhole, and they did him a lot of harm, for a man +won't prosper when he believes, on the spot, every tale that he hears; a +man in business, especially. Still, he had a good time as long as he +lived: for happy's the fellow who gets the gift, not the one it was meant +for. He sure was Fortune's son! Lead turned to gold in his hands. It's +easy enough when everything squares up and runs on schedule. How old +would you think he was? Seventy and over, but he was as tough as horn, +carried his age well, and was as black as a crow. I knew the fellow for +years and years, and he was a lecher to the very last. I don't believe +that even the dog in his house escaped his attentions, by Hercules, I +don't; and what a boy-lover he was! Saw a virgin in every one he met! +Not that I blame him though, for it's all he could take with him." + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-FOURTH. + +Phileros had his say and Ganymedes exclaimed, "You gabble away about +things that don't concern heaven or earth: and none of you cares how the +price of grain pinches. I couldn't even get a mouthful of bread today, +by Hercules, I couldn't. How the drought does hang on! We've had famine +for a year. If the damned AEdiles would only get what's coming to them. +They graft with the bakers, scratch-my-arse-and-I'll-scratch-yours! +That's the way it always is, the poor devils are out of luck, but the +jaws of the capitalists are always keeping the Saturnalia. If only we +had such lion-hearted sports as we had when I first came from Asia! That +was the life! If the flour was not the very best, they would beat up +those belly-robbing grafters till they looked like Jupiter had been at +them. How well I remember Safinius; he lived near the old arch, when I +was a boy. For a man, he was one hot proposition! Wherever he went, the +ground smoked! But he was square, dependable, a friend to a friend, you +could safely play mora with him, in the dark. But how he did peel them +in the town hall: he spoke no parables, not he! He did everything +straight from the shoulder and his voice roared like a trumpet in the +forum. He never sweat nor spat. I don't know, but I think he had a +strain of the Asiatic in him. And how civil and friendly-like he was, +in returning everyone's greeting; called us all by name, just like he was +one of us! And so provisions were cheap as dirt in those days. The loaf +you got for an as, you couldn't eat, not even if someone helped you, but +you see them no bigger than a bull's eye now, and the hell of it is that +things are getting worse every day; this colony grows backwards like a +calf's tall! Why do we have to put up with an AEdile here, who's not +worth three Caunian figs and who thinks more of an as than of our lives? +He has a good time at home, and his daily income's more than another +man's fortune. I happen to know where he got a thousand gold pieces. +If we had any nuts, he'd not be so damned well pleased with himself! +Nowadays, men are lions at home and foxes abroad. What gets me is, that +I've already eaten my old clothes, and if this high cost of living keeps +on, I'll have to sell my cottages! What's going to happen to this town, +if neither gods nor men take pity on it? May I never have any luck if I +don't believe all this comes from the gods! For no one believes that +heaven is heaven, no one keeps a fast, no one cares a hang about Jupiter: +they all shut their eyes and count up their own profits. In the old +days, the married women, in their stolas, climbed the hill in their bare +feet, pure in heart, and with their hair unbound, and prayed to Jupiter +for rain! And it would pour down in bucketfuls then or never, and they'd +all come home, wet as drowned rats. But the gods all have the gout now, +because we are not religious; and so our fields are burning up!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-FIFTH. + +"Don't be so down in the mouth," chimed in Echion, the ragman; "if it +wasn't that it'd be something else, as the farmer said, when he lost his +spotted pig. If a thing don't happen today, it may tomorrow. That's the +way life jogs along. You couldn't name a better country, by Hercules, +you couldn't, if only the men had any brains. She's in hot water right +now, but she ain't the only one. We oughtn't to be so particular; +heaven's as far away everywhere else. If you were somewhere else, you'd +swear that pigs walked around here already roasted. Think of what's +coming! We'll soon have a fine gladiator show to last for three days, no +training-school pupils; most of them will be freedmen. Our Titus has a +hot head and plenty of guts and it will go to a finish. I'm well +acquainted with him, and he'll not stand for any frame-ups. It will be +cold steel in the best style, no running away, the shambles will be in +the middle of the amphitheatre where all the crowd can see. And what's +more, he has the coin, for he came into thirty million when his father +had the bad luck to die. He could blow in four hundred thousand and his +fortune never feel it, but his name would live forever. He has some +dwarfs already, and a woman to fight from a chariot. Then, there's +Glyco's steward; he was caught screwing Glyco's wife. You'll see some +battle between jealous husbands and favored lovers. Anyhow, that cheap +screw of a Glyco condemned his steward to the beasts and only published +his own shame. How could the slave go wrong when he only obeyed orders? +It would have been better if that she-piss-pot, for that's all she's fit +for, had been tossed by the bull, but a fellow has to beat the saddle +when he can't beat the jackass. How could Glyco ever imagine that a +sprig of Hermogenes' planting could turn out well? Why, Hermogenes could +trim the claws of a flying hawk, and no snake ever hatched out a rope +yet! And look at Glyco! He's smoked himself out in fine shape, and as +long as he lives, he'll carry that stain! No one but the devil himself +can wipe that out, but chickens always come home to roost. My nose tells +me that Mammaea will set out a spread: two bits apiece for me and mine! +And he'll nick Norbanus out of his political pull if he does; you all +know that it's to his interest to hump himself to get the best of him. +And honestly, what did that fellow ever do for us? He exhibited some two +cent gladiators that were so near dead they'd have fallen flat if you +blew your breath at them. I've seen better thugs sent against wild +beasts! And the cavalry he killed looked about as much like the real +thing as the horsemen on the lamps; you would have taken them for +dunghill cocks! One plug had about as much action as a jackass with a +pack-saddle; another was club-footed; and a third who had to take the +place of one that was killed, was as good as dead, and hamstrung into the +bargain. There was only one that had any pep, and he was a Thracian, but +he only fought when we egged him on. The whole crowd was flogged +afterwards. How the mob did yell 'Lay it on!' They were nothing but +runaways. And at that he had the nerve to say, 'I've given you a show.' +'And I've applauded,' I answered; 'count it up and you'll find that I +gave more than I got! One hand washes the other.'" + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-SIXTH + +"Agamemnon, your looks seem to say, What's this boresome nut trying to +hand us?' Well, I'm talking because you, who can talk book-foolishness, +won't. You don't belong to our bunch, so you laugh in your sleeve at the +way us poor people talk, but we know that you're only a fool with a lot +of learning. Well, what of it? Some day I'll get you to come to my +country place and take a look at my little estate. We'll have fresh eggs +and spring chicken to chew on when we get there; it will be all right +even if the weather has kept things back this year. We'll find enough to +satisfy us, and my kid will soon grow up to be a pupil of yours; he can +divide up to four, now, and you'll have a little servant at your side, if +he lives. When he has a minute to himself, he never takes his eyes from +his tablets; he's smart too, and has the right kind of stuff in him, even +if he is crazy about birds. I've had to kill three of his linnets +already. I told him that a weasel had gotten them, but he's found +another hobby, now he paints all the time. He's left the marks of his +heels on his Greek already, and is doing pretty well with his Latin, +although his master's too easy with him; won't make him stick to one +thing. He comes to me to get me to give him something to write when his +master don't want to work. Then there's another tutor, too, no scholar, +but very painstaking, though; he can teach you more than he knows +himself. He comes to the house on holidays and is always satisfied with +whatever you pay him. Some little time ago, I bought the kid some law +books; I want him to have a smattering of the law for home use. There's +bread in that! As for literature, he's got enough of that in him +already; if he begins to kick, I've concluded that I'll make him learn +some trade; the barber's, say, or the auctioneer's, or even the lawyer's. +That's one thing no one but the devil can do him out of! 'Believe what +your daddy says, Primigenius,' I din into his ears every day, 'whenever +you learn a thing, it's yours. Look at Phileros the attorney; he'd not +be keeping the wolf from the door now if he hadn't studied. It's not +long since he had to carry his wares on his back and peddle them, but he +can put up a front with Norbanus himself now! Learning's a fine thing, +and a trade won't starve.'" + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-SEVENTH. + +Twaddle of this sort was being bandied about when Trimalchio came in; +mopping his forehead and washing his hands in perfume, he said, after a +short pause, "Pardon me, gentlemen, but my stomach's been on strike for +the past few days and the doctors disagreed about the cause. But +pomegranate rind and pitch steeped in vinegar have helped me, and I hope +that my belly will get on its good behavior, for sometimes there's such a +rumbling in my guts that you'd think a bellowing bull was in there. So +if anyone wants to do his business, there's no call to be bashful about +it. None of us was born solid! I don't know of any worse torment than +having to hold it in, it's the one thing Jupiter himself can't hold in. +So you're laughing, are you, Fortunata? Why, you're always keeping me +awake at night yourself. I never objected yet to anyone in my +dining-room relieving himself when he wanted to, and the doctors forbid +our holding it in. Everything's ready outside, if the call's more +serious, water, close-stool, and anything else you'll need. Believe me, +when this rising vapor gets to the brain, it puts the whole body on the +burn. Many a one I've known to kick in just because he wouldn't own up +to the truth." We thanked him for his kindness and consideration, and +hid our laughter by drinking more and oftener. We had not realized that, +as yet, we were only in the middle of the entertainment, with a hill +still ahead, as the saying goes. The tables were cleared off to the beat +of music, and three white hogs, muzzled, and wearing bells, were brought +into the dining-room. The announcer informed us that one was a +two-year-old, another three, and the third just turned six. I had an +idea that some rope-dancers had come in and that the hogs would perform +tricks, just as they do for the crowd on the streets, but Trimalchio +dispelled this illusion by asking, "Which one will you have served up +immediately, for dinner? Any country cook can manage a dunghill cock, a +pentheus hash, or little things like that, but my cooks are well used to +serving up calves boiled whole, in their cauldrons!" Then he ordered a +cook to be called in at once, and without awaiting our pleasure, he +directed that the oldest be butchered, and demanded in a loud voice, +"What division do you belong too?" When the fellow made answer that he +was from the fortieth, "Were you bought, or born upon my estates?" +Trimalchio continued. "Neither," replied the cook, "I was left to you by +Pansa's will." "See to it that this is properly done," Trimalchio +warned, "or I'll have you transferred to the division of messengers!" +and the cook, bearing his master's warning in mind, departed for the +kitchen with the next course in tow. + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-EIGHTH. + +Trimalchio's threatening face relaxed and he turned to us, "If the wine +don't please you," he said, "I'll change it; you ought to do justice to +it by drinking it. I don't have to buy it, thanks to the gods. +Everything here that makes your mouths water, was produced on one of my +country places which I've never yet seen, but they tell me it's down +Terracina and Tarentum way. I've got a notion to add Sicily to my other +little holdings, so in case I want to go to Africa, I'll be able to sail +along my own coasts. But tell me the subject of your speech today, +Agamemnon, for, though I don't plead cases myself, I studied literature +for home use, and for fear you should think I don't care about learning, +let me inform you that I have three libraries, one Greek and the others +Latin. Give me the outline of your speech if you like me." + +"A poor man and a rich man were enemies," Agamemmon began, when: "What's +a poor man?" Trimalchio broke in. "Well put," Agamemnon conceded and +went into details upon some problem or other, what it was I do not know. +Trimalchio instantly rendered the following verdict, "If that's the case, +there's nothing to dispute about; if it's not the case, it don't amount +to anything anyhow." These flashes of wit, and others equally +scintillating, we loudly applauded, and he went on: "Tell me, my dearest +Agamemnon, do you remember the twelve labors of Hercules or the story of +Ulysses, how the Cyclops threw his thumb out of joint with a pig-headed +crowbar? When I was a boy, I used to read those stories in Homer. And +then, there's the Sibyl: with my own eyes I saw her, at Cumae, hanging up +in a jar; and whenever the boys would say to her 'Sibyl, Sibyl, what +would you?' she would answer, 'I would die.'" + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-NINTH. + +Before he had run out of wind, a tray upon which was an enormous hog was +placed upon the table, almost filling it up. We began to wonder at the +dispatch with which it had been prepared and swore that no cock could +have been served up in so short a time; moreover, this hog seemed to us +far bigger than the boar had been. Trimalchio scrutinized it closely and +"What the hell," he suddenly bawled out, "this hog hain't been gutted, +has it? No, it hain't, by Hercules, it hain't! Call that cook! Call +that cook in here immediately!" When the crestfallen cook stood at the +table and owned up that he had forgotten to bowel him, "So you forgot, +did you?" Trimalchio shouted, "You'd think he'd only left out a bit of +pepper and cummin, wouldn't you? Off with his clothes!" The cook was +stripped without delay, and stood with hanging head, between two +torturers. We all began to make excuses for him at this, saying, "Little +things like that are bound to happen once in a while, let us prevail upon +you to let him off; if he ever does such a thing again, not a one of us +will have a word to say in his behalf." But for my part, I was +mercilessly angry and could not help leaning over towards Agamemnon and +whispering in his ear, "It is easily seen that this fellow is criminally +careless, is it not? How could anyone forget to draw a hog? If he had +served me a fish in that fashion I wouldn't overlook it, by Hercules, I +wouldn't." But that was not Trimalchio's way: his face relaxed into good +humor and he said, "Since your memory's so short, you can gut him right +here before our eyes!" The cook put on his tunic, snatched up a carving +knife, with a trembling hand, and slashed the hog's belly in several +places. Sausages and meat-puddings, widening the apertures, by their +own weight, immediately tumbled out. + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTIETH. + +The whole household burst into unanimous applause at this; "Hurrah for +Gaius," they shouted. As for the cook, he was given a drink and a silver +crown and a cup on a salver of Corinthian bronze. Seeing that Agamemnon +was eyeing the platter closely, Trimalchio remarked, "I'm the only one +that can show the real Corinthian!" I thought that, in his usual +purse-proud manner, he was going to boast that his bronzes were all +imported from Corinth, but he did even better by saying, "Wouldn't you +like to know how it is that I'm the only one that can show the real +Corinthian? Well, it's because the bronze worker I patronize is named +Corinthus, and what's Corinthian unless it's what a Corinthus makes? +And, so you won't think I'm a blockhead, I'm going to show you that I'm +well acquainted with how Corinthian first came into the world. When Troy +was taken, Hannibal, who was a very foxy fellow and a great rascal into +the bargain, piled all the gold and silver and bronze statues in one pile +and set 'em afire, melting these different metals into one: then the +metal workers took their pick and made bowls and dessert dishes and +statuettes as well. That's how Corinthian was born; neither one nor the +other, but an amalgam of all. But I prefer glass, if you don't mind my +saying so; it don't stink, and if it didn't break, I'd rather have it +than gold, but it's cheap and common now." + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-FIRST. + +"But there was an artisan, once upon a time, who made a glass vial that +couldn't be broken. On that account he was admitted to Caesar with his +gift; then he dashed it upon the floor, when Caesar handed it back to +him. The Emperor was greatly startled, but the artisan picked the vial +up off the pavement, and it was dented, just like a brass bowl would have +been! He took a little hammer out of his tunic and beat out the dent +without any trouble. When he had done that, he thought he would soon be +in Jupiter's heaven, and more especially when Caesar said to him, 'Is +there anyone else who knows how to make this malleable glass? Think +now!' And when he denied that anyone else knew the secret, Caesar +ordered his head chopped off, because if this should get out, we would +think no more of gold than we would of dirt." + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-SECOND. + +"And when it comes to silver, I'm a connoisseur; I have goblets as big as +wine-jars, a hundred of 'em more or less, with engraving that shows how +Cassandra killed her sons, and the dead boys are lying so naturally that +you'd think 'em alive. I own a thousand bowls which Mummius left to my +patron, where Daedalus is shown shutting Niobe up in the Trojan horse, +and I also have cups engraved with the gladiatorial contests of Hermeros +and Petraites: they're all heavy, too. I wouldn't sell my taste in these +matters for any money!" A slave dropped a cup while he was running on in +this fashion. Glaring at him, Trimalchio said, "Go hang yourself, since +you're so careless." The boy's lip quivered and he immediately commenced +to beg for mercy. "Why do you pray to me?" Trimalchio demanded, at +this: "I don't intend to be harsh with you, I'm only warning you against +being so awkward." Finally, however, we got him to give the boy a pardon +and no sooner had this been done than the slave started running around +the room crying, "Out with the water and in with the wine!" We all paid +tribute to this joke, but Agamemnon in particular, for he well knew what +strings to pull in order to secure another invitation to dinner. Tickled +by our flattery, and mellowed by the wine, Trimalchio was just about +drunk. "Why hasn't one of you asked my Fortunata to dance?" he +demanded, "There's no one can do a better cancan, believe me," and he +himself raised his arms above his head and favored us with an +impersonation of Syrus the actor; the whole household chanting: + + Oh bravo + Oh bravissimo + +in chorus, and he would have danced out into the middle of the room +before us all, had not Fortunata whispered in his ear, telling him, +I suppose, that such low buffoonery was not in keeping with his dignity. +But nothing could be so changeable as his humor, for one minute he stood +in awe of Fortunata, but his natural propensities would break out the +next. + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-THIRD. + +But his passion for dancing was interrupted at this stage by a +stenographer who read aloud, as if he were reading the public records, +"On the seventh of the Kalends of July, on Trimalchio's estates near +Cumae, were born thirty boys and forty girls: five hundred pecks of wheat +were taken from the threshing floors and stored in the granaries: five +hundred oxen were put to yoke: the slave Mithridates was crucified on the +same date for cursing the genius of our master, Gaius: on said date ten +million sesterces were returned to the vaults as no sound investment +could be found: on said date, a fire broke out in the gardens at Pompeii, +said fire originating in the house of Nasta, the bailiff." "What's +that?" demanded Trimalchio. "When were the gardens at Pompeii bought for +me?" "Why, last year," answered the stenographer, "for that reason the +item has not appeared in the accounts." Trimalchio flew into a rage at +this. "If I'm not told within six months of any real estate that's +bought for me," he shouted, "I forbid it's being carried to my account at +all!" Next, the edicts of his aediles were read aloud, and the wills of +some of his foresters in which Trimalchio was disinherited by a codicil, +then the names of his bailiffs, and that of a freedwoman who had been +repudiated by a night watchman, after she had been caught in bed with a +bath attendant, that of a porter banished to Baioe, a steward who was +standing trial, and lastly the report of a decision rendered in the +matter of a lawsuit, between some valets. When this was over with, some +rope dancers came in and a very boresome fool stood holding a ladder, +ordering his boy to dance from rung to rung, and finally at the top, all +this to the music of popular airs; then the boy was compelled to jump +through blazing hoops while grasping a huge wine jar with his teeth. +Trimalchio was the only one who was much impressed by these tricks, +remarking that it was a thankless calling and adding that in all the +world there were just two things which could give him acute pleasure, +rope-dancers and horn blowers; all other entertainments were nothing +but nonsense. "I bought a company of comedians," he went on, "but I +preferred for them to put on Atellane farces, and I ordered my +flute-player to play Latin airs only." + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-FOURTH. + +While our noble Gaius was still talking away, the boy slipped and fell, +alighting upon Trimalchio's arm. The whole household cried out, as did +also the guests, not that they bore such a coarse fellow any good will, +as they would gladly have seen his neck broken, but because such an +unlucky ending to the dinner might make it necessary for them to go into +mourning over a total stranger. As for Trimalchio, he groaned heavily +and bent over his arm as though it had been injured: doctors flocked +around him, and Fortunata was among the very first, her hair was +streaming and she held a cup in her hand and screamed out her grief and +unhappiness. As for the boy who had fallen, he was crawling at our feet, +imploring pardon. I was uneasy for fear his prayers would lead up to +some ridiculous theatrical climax, for I had not yet been able to forget +that cook who had forgotten to bowel that hog, and so, for this reason, I +began to scan the whole dining-room very closely, to see if an automaton +would come out through the wall; and all the more so as a slave was +beaten for having bound up his master's bruised arm in white wool instead +of purple. Nor was my suspicion unjustified, for in place of punishment, +Trimalchio ordered that the boy be freed, so that no one could say that +so exalted a personage had been injured by a slave. + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-FIFTH. + +We applauded his action and engaged in a discussion upon the instability +of human affairs, which many took sides. "A good reason," declared +Trimalchio, "why such an occasion shouldn't slip by without an epigram." +He called for his tablets at once, and after racking his brains for a +little while, he got off the following: + + The unexpected will turn up; + Our whole lives Fortune bungles up. + Falernian, boy, hand round the cup. + +This epigram led up to a discussion of the poets, and for a long time, +the greatest praise was bestowed upon Mopsus the Thracian, until +Trimalchio broke in with: "Professor, I wish you'd tell me how you'd +compare Cicero and Publilius. I'm of the opinion that the first was the +more eloquent, but that the last moralizes more beautifully, for what can +excel these lines? + + Insatiable luxury crumbles the walls of war; + To satiate gluttony, peacocks in coops are brought + Arrayed in gold plumage like Babylon tapestry rich. + Numidian guinea-fowls, capons, all perish for thee: + And even the wandering stork, welcome guest that he is, + The emblem of sacred maternity, slender of leg + And gloctoring exile from winter, herald of spring, + Still, finds his last nest in the--cauldron of gluttony base. + India surrenders her pearls; and what mean they to thee? + That thy wife decked with sea-spoils adorning her breast + and her head + On the couch of a stranger lies lifting adulterous legs? + The emerald green, the glass bauble, what mean they to thee? + Or the fire of the ruby? Except that pure chastity shine + From the depth of the jewels: in garments of woven wind clad + Our brides might as well take their stand, their game + naked to stalk, + As seek it in gossamer tissue transparent as air." + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-SIXTH. + +"What should we say was the hardest calling, after literature?" he asked. +"That of the doctor or that of the money-changer, I would say: the +doctor, because he has to know what poor devils have got in their +insides, and when the fever's due: but I hate them like the devil, for my +part, because they're always ordering me on a diet of duck soup: and the +money-changer's, because he's got to be able to see the silver through +the copper plating. When we come to the dumb beasts, the oxen and sheep +are the hardest worked, the oxen, thanks to whose labor we have bread to +chew on, the sheep, because their wool tricks us out so fine. It's the +greatest outrage under the sun for people to eat mutton and then wear a +tunic. Then there's the bee: in my opinion, they're divine insects +because they puke honey, though there are folks that claim that they +bring it from Jupiter, and that's the reason they sting, too, for +wherever you find a sweet, you'll find a bitter too." He was just putting +the philosophers out of business when lottery tickets were passed around +in a cup. A slave boy assigned to that duty read aloud the names of the +souvenirs: "Silver s--ham," a ham was brought in with some silver vinegar +cruets on top of it; "cervical"--something soft for the neck--a piece of +the cervix--neck--of a sheep was brought in; "serisapia"--after wit--"and +contumelia"--insult--we were given must wafers and an apple-melon--and a +phallus--contus--; "porri"--leeks--"and persica," he picked up a whip and +a knife; "passeres"--sparrows" and a fly--trap," the answer was +raisins--uva passa--and Attic honey; "cenatoria"--a dinner toga--"and +forensia"--business dress--he handed out a piece of meat--suggestive of +dinner--and a note-book--suggestive of business--; "canale"--chased by a +dog--"and pedale"--pertaining to the foot--, a hare and a slipper were +brought out; "lamphrey"--murena--"and a letter," he held up a +mouse--mus--and a frog--rana--tied together, and a bundle of +beet--beta--the Greek letter beta--. We laughed long and loud, there +were a thousand of these jokes, more or less, which have now escaped my +memory. + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-SEVENTH. + +But Ascyltos threw off all restraint and ridiculed everything; throwing +up his hands, he laughed until the tears ran down his cheeks. At last, +one of Trimalchio's fellow-freedmen, the one who had the place next to +me, flew into a rage, "What's the joke, sheep's-head," he bawled, "Don't +our host's swell entertainment suit you? You're richer than he is, I +suppose, and used to dining better! As I hope the guardian spirit of +this house will be on my side, I'd have stopped his bleating long ago if +I'd been sitting next to him. He's a peach, he is, laughing at others; +some vagabond or other from who-knows-where, some night-pad who's not +worth his own piss: just let me piss a ring around him and he wouldn't +know where to run to! I ain't easy riled, no, by Hercules, I ain't, but +worms breed in tender flesh. Look at him laugh! What the hell's he got +to laugh at? Is his family so damned fine-haired? So you're a Roman +knight! Well, I'm a king's son! How's it come that you've been a slave, +you'll ask because I put myself into service because I'd rather be a +Roman citizen than a tax-paying provincial. And now I hope that my life +will be such that no one can jeer at me. I'm a man among men! I take my +stroll bareheaded and owe no man a copper cent. I never had a summons in +my life and no one ever said to me, in the forum, pay me what you owe me. +I've bought a few acres and saved up a few dollars and I feed twenty +bellies and a dog. I ransomed my bedfellow so no one could wipe his +hands on her bosom; a thousand dinars it cost me, too. I was chosen +priest of Augustus without paying the fee, and I hope that I won't need +to blush in my grave after I'm dead. But you're so busy that you can't +look behind you; you can spot a louse on someone else, all right, but you +can't see the tick on yourself. You're the only one that thinks we're so +funny; look at your professor, he's older than you are, and we're good +enough for him, but you're only a brat with the milk still in your nose +and all you can prattle is 'ma' or 'mu,' you're only a clay pot, a piece +of leather soaked in water, softer and slipperier, but none the better +for that. You've got more coin than we have, have you? Then eat two +breakfasts and two dinners a day. I'd rather have my reputation than +riches, for my part, and before I make an end of this--who ever dunned me +twice? In all the forty years I was in service, no one could tell +whether I was free or a slave. I was only a long-haired boy when I came +to this colony and the town house was not built then. I did my best to +please my master and he was a digniferous and majestical gentleman whose +nail-parings were worth more than your whole carcass. I had enemies in +his house, too, who would have been glad to trip me up, but I swam the +flood, thanks to his kindness. Those are the things that try your +mettle, for it's as easy to be born a gentleman as to say, 'Come here.' +Well, what are you gaping at now, like a billy-goat in a vetch-field?" + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-EIGHTH. + +Giton, who had been standing at my feet, and who had for some time been +holding in his laughter, burst into an uproarious guffaw, at this last +figure of speech, and when Ascyltos' adversary heard it, he turned his +abuse upon the boy. "What's so funny, you curly-headed onion," he +bellowed, "are the Saturnalia here, I'd like to know? Is it December +now? + +"When did you pay your twentieth? What's this to you, you gallows-bird, +you crow's meat? I'll call the anger of Jupiter down on you and that +master of yours, who don't keep you in better order. If I didn't respect +my fellow-freedmen, I'd give you what is coming to you right here on the +spot, as I hope to get my belly full of bread, I would. We'll get along +well enough, but those that can't control you are fools; like master like +man's a true saying. I can hardly hold myself in and I'm not hot-headed +by nature, but once let me get a start and I don't care two cents for my +own mother. All right, I'll catch you in the street, you rat, you +toadstool. May I never grow an inch up or down if I don't push your +master into a dunghill, and I'll give you the same medicine, I will, by +Hercules, I will, no matter if you call down Olympian Jupiter himself! +I'll take care of your eight inch ringlets and your two cent master into +the bargain. I'll have my teeth into you, either you'll cut out the +laughing, or I don't know myself. Yes, even if you had a golden beard. +I'll bring the wrath of Minerva down on you and on the fellow that first +made a come-here out of you. No, I never learned geometry or criticism +or other foolishness like that, but I know my capital letters and I can +divide any figure by a hundred, be it in asses, pounds or sesterces. +Let's have a show-down, you and I will make a little bet, here's my coin; +you'll soon find out that your father's money was wasted on your +education, even if you do know a little rhetoric. How's this--what part +of us am I? I come far, I come wide, now guess me! I'll give you +another. What part of us runs but never moves from its place? What part +of us grows but always grows less? But you scurry around and are as +flustered and fidgeted as a mouse in a piss-pot. Shut up and don't annoy +your betters, who don't even know that you've been born. Don't think +that I'm impressed by those boxwood armlets that you did your mistress +out of. Occupo will back me! Let's go into the forum and borrow money, +then you'll see whether this iron ring means credit! Bah! A draggled +fox is a fine sight, ain't it'? I hope I never get rich and die decently +so that the people will swear by my death, if I don't hound you +everywhere with my toga turned inside out. And the fellow that taught +you such manners did a good job too, a chattering ape, all right, no +schoolmaster. We were better taught. 'Is everything in its place?' the +master would ask; go straight home and don't stop and stare at everything +and don't be impudent to your elders. Don't loiter along looking in at +the shops. No second raters came out of that school. I'm what you see +me and I thank the gods it's all due to my own cleverness." + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-NINTH. + +Ascyltos was just starting in to answer this indictment when Trimalchio, +who was delighted with his fellow-freedman's tirade, broke in, "Cut out +the bickering and let's have things pleasant here. Let up on the young +fellow, Hermeros, he's hot-blooded, so you ought to be more reasonable. +The loser's always the winner in arguments of this kind. And as for you, +even when you were a young punk you used to go 'Co-co co-co,' like a hen +after a rooster, but you had no pep. Let's get to better business and +start the fun all over again and watch the Homerists." A troupe filed +in, immediately, and clashed spears against shields. Trimalchio sat +himself up on his cushion and intoned in Latin, from a book, while the +actors, in accordance with their conceited custom, recited their parts in +the Greek language. There came a pause, presently, and "You don't any of +you know the plot of the skit they're putting on, do you?" he asked, +"Diomedes and Ganymede were two brothers, and Helen was their sister; +Agamemnon ran away with her and palmed off a doe on Diana, in her place, +so Homer tells how the Trojans and Parentines fought among themselves. +Of course Agamemnon was victorious, and gave his daughter Iphigenia, to +Achilles, for a wife: This caused Ajax to go mad, and he'll soon make the +whole thing plain to you." The Homerists raised a shout, as soon as +Trimalchio had done speaking, and, as the whole familia stepped back, a +boiled calf with a helmet on its head was brought in on an enormous +platter. Ajax followed and rushed upon it with drawn sword, as if he +were insane, he made passes with the flat, and again with the edge, and +then, collecting the slices, he skewered them, and, much to our +astonishment, presented them to us on the point of his sword. + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTIETH. + +But we were not given long in which to admire the elegance of such +service, for all of a sudden the ceiling commenced to creak and then the +whole dining-room shook. I leaped to my feet in consternation, for fear +some rope-walker would fall down, and the rest of the company raised +their faces, wondering as much as I what new prodigy was to be announced +from on high. Then lo and behold! the ceiling panels parted and an +enormous hoop, which appeared to have been knocked off a huge cask, was +lowered from the dome above; its perimeter was hung with golden chaplets +and jars of alabaster filled with perfume. We were asked to accept these +articles as souvenirs. When my glance returned to the table, I noticed +that a dish containing cakes had been placed upon it, and in the middle +an image of Priapus, made by the baker, and he held apples of all +varieties and bunches of grapes against his breast, in the conventional +manner. We applied ourselves wholeheartedly to this dessert and our +joviality was suddenly revived by a fresh diversion, for, at the +slightest pressure, all the cakes and fruits would squirt a saffron sauce +upon us, and even spurted unpleasantly into our faces. Being convinced +that these perfumed dainties had some religious significance, we arose in +a body and shouted, "Hurrah for the Emperor, the father of his country!" +However, as we perceived that even after this act of veneration, the +others continued helping themselves, we filled our napkins with the +apples. I was especially keen on this, for I thought I could never put +enough good things into Giton's lap. Three slaves entered, in the +meantime, dressed in white tunics well tucked up, and two of them placed +Lares with amulets hanging from their necks, upon the table, while the +third carried round a bowl of wine and cried, "May the gods be +propitious!" One was called Cerdo--business--, Trimalchio informed us, +the other Lucrio--luck--and the third Felicio--profit--and, when all the +rest had kissed a true likeness of Trimalchio, we were ashamed to pass it +by. + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-FIRST. + +After they had all wished each other sound minds and good health, +Trimalchio turned to Niceros. "You used to be better company at +dinner," he remarked, "and I don't know why you should be dumb today, +with never a word to say. If you wish to make me happy, tell about that +experience you had, I beg of you." Delighted at the affability of his +friend, "I hope I lose all my luck if I'm not tickled to death at the +humor I see you in," Niceros replied. "All right, let's go the limit for +a good time, though I'm afraid these scholars'll laugh at me, but I'll +tell my tale and they can go as far as they like. What t'hell do I care +who laughs? It's better to be laughed at than laughed down." These +words spake the hero, and began the following tale: "We lived in a narrow +street in the house Gavilla now owns, when I was a slave. There, by the +will of the gods, I fell in love with the wife of Terentius, the +innkeeper; you knew Melissa of Tarentum, that pretty round-checked little +wench. It was no carnal passion, so hear me, Hercules, it wasn't; I was +not in love with her physical charms. No, it was because she was such a +good sport. I never asked her for a thing and had her deny me; if she +had an as, I had half. I trusted her with everything I had and never was +done out of anything. Her husband up and died on the place, one day, so +I tried every way I could to get to her, for you know friends ought to +show up when anyone's in a pinch. + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-SECOND. + +"It so happened that our master had gone to Capua to attend to some odds +and ends of business and I seized the opportunity, and persuaded a guest +of the house to accompany me as far as the fifth mile-stone. He was a +soldier, and as brave as the very devil. We set out about cock-crow, the +moon was shining as bright as midday, and came to where the tombstones +are. My man stepped aside amongst them, but I sat down, singing, and +commenced to count them up. When I looked around for my companion, he +had stripped himself and piled his clothes by the side of the road. My +heart was in my mouth, and I sat there while he pissed a ring around them +and was suddenly turned into a wolf! Now don't think I'm joking, I +wouldn't lie for any amount of money, but as I was saying, he commenced +to howl after he was turned into a wolf, and ran away into the forest. +I didn't know where I was for a minute or two, then I went to his +clothes, to pick them up, and damned if they hadn't turned to stone! Was +ever anyone nearer dead from fright than me? Then I whipped out my sword +and cut every shadow along the road to bits, till I came to the house of +my mistress. I looked like a ghost when I went in, and I nearly slipped +my wind. The sweat was pouring down my crotch, my eyes were staring, and +I could hardly be brought around. My Melissa wondered why I was out so +late. "Oh, if you'd only come sooner," she said, "you could have helped +us: a wolf broke into the folds and attacked the sheep, bleeding them +like a butcher. But he didn't get the laugh on me, even if he did get +away, for one of the slaves ran his neck through with a spear!" I +couldn't keep my eyes shut any longer when I heard that, and as soon as +it grew light, I rushed back to our Gaius' house like an innkeeper beaten +out of his bill, and when I came to the place where the clothes had been +turned into stone, there was nothing but a pool of blood! And moreover, +when I got home, my soldier was lying in bed, like an ox, and a doctor +was dressing his neck! I knew then that he was a werewolf, and after +that, I couldn't have eaten a crumb of bread with him, no, not if you had +killed me. Others can think what they please about this, but as for me, +I hope your geniuses will all get after me if I lie." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-THIRD. + +We were all dumb with astonishment, when "I take your story for granted," +said Trimalchio, "and if you'll believe me, my hair stood on end, and +all the more, because I know that Niceros never talks nonsense: he's +always level-headed, not a bit gossipy. And now I'll tell you a +hair-raiser myself, though I'm like a jackass on a slippery pavement +compared to him. When I was a long-haired boy, for I lived a Chian life +from my youth up, my master's minion died. He was a jewel, so hear me +Hercules, he was, perfect in every facet. While his sorrow-stricken +mother was bewailing his loss, and the rest of us were lamenting with +her, the witches suddenly commenced to screech so loud that you would +have thought a hare was being run down by the hounds! At that time, we +had a Cappadocian slave, tall, very bold, and he had muscle too; he +could hold a mad bull in the air! He wrapped a mantle around his left +arm, boldly rushed out of doors with drawn sword, and ran a woman +through the middle about here, no harm to what I touch. We heard a +scream, but as a matter of fact, for I won't lie to you, we didn't catch +sight of the witches themselves. Our simpleton came back presently, and +threw himself upon the bed. His whole body was black and blue, as if he +had been flogged with whips, and of course the reason of that was she +had touched him with her evil hand! We shut the door and returned to +our business, but when the mother put her arms around the body of her +son, it turned out that it was only a straw bolster, no heart, no guts, +nothing! Of course the witches had swooped down upon the lad and put +the straw changeling in his place! Believe me or not, suit yourselves, +but I say that there are women that know too much, and night-hags, too, +and they turn everything upside down! And as for the long-haired booby, +he never got back his own natural color and he died, raving mad, a few +days later." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-FOURTH. + +Though we wondered greatly, we believed none the less implicitly and, +kissing the table, we besought the night-hags to attend to their own +affairs while we were returning home from dinner. As far as I was +concerned, the lamps already seemed to burn double and the whole +dining-room was going round, when "See here, Plocamus," Trimalchio spoke +up, "haven't you anything to tell us? You haven't entertained us at all, +have you? And you used to be fine company, always ready to oblige with a +recitation or a song. The gods bless us, how the green figs have +fallen!" "True for you," the fellow answered, "since I've got the gout +my sporting days are over; but in the good old times when I was a young +spark, I nearly sang myself into a consumption. How I used to dance! +And take my part in a farce, or hold up my end in the barber shops! Who +could hold a candle to me except, of course, the one and only Apelles?" +He then put his hand to his mouth and hissed out some foul gibberish or +other, and said afterwards that it was Greek. Trimalchio himself then +favored us with an impersonation of a man blowing a trumpet, and when he +had finished, he looked around for his minion, whom he called Croesus, a +blear-eyed slave whose teeth were very disagreeably discolored. He was +playing with a little black bitch, disgustingly fat, wrapping her up in a +leek-green scarf and teasing her with a half-loaf of bread which he had +put on the couch; and when from sheer nausea, she refused it, he crammed +it down her throat. This sight put Trimalchio in mind of his own dog and +he ordered Scylax, "the guardian of his house and home," to be brought +in. An enormous dog was immediately led in upon a chain and, obeying a +kick from the porter, it lay down beside the table. Thereupon Trimalchio +remarked, as he threw it a piece of white bread, "No one in all my house +loves me better than Scylax." Enraged at Trimalchio's praising Scylax so +warmly, the slave put the bitch down upon the floor and sicked her on to +fight. Scylax, as might have been expected from such a dog, made the +whole room ring with his hideous barking and nearly shook the life out of +the little bitch which the slave called Pearl. Nor did the uproar end in +a dog fight, a candelabrum was upset upon the table, breaking the glasses +and spattering some of the guests with hot oil. As Trimalchio did not +wish to seem concerned at the loss, he kissed the boy and ordered him to +climb upon his own back. The slave did not hesitate but, mounting his +rocking-horse, he beat Trimalchio's shoulders with his open palms, +yelling with laughter, "Buck! Buck! How many fingers do I hold up!" +When Trimalchio had, in a measure, regained his composure, which took but +a little while, he ordered that a huge vessel be filled with mixed wine, +and that drinks be served to all the slaves sitting around our feet, +adding as an afterthought, "If anyone refuses to drink, pour it on his +head: business is business, but now's the time for fun." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-FIFTH. + +The dainties that followed this display of affability were of such a +nature that, if any reliance is to be placed in my word, the very mention +of them makes me sick at the stomach. Instead of thrushes, fattened +chickens were served, one to each of us, and goose eggs with pastry caps +on them, which same Trimalchio earnestly entreated us to eat, informing +us that the chickens had all been boned. Just at that instant, however, +a lictor knocked at the dining-room door, and a reveler, clad in white +vestments, entered, followed by a large retinue. Startled at such pomp, +I thought that the Praetor had arrived, so I put my bare feet upon the +floor and started to get up, but Agamemnon laughed at my anxiety and +said, "Keep your seat, you idiot, it's only Habinnas the sevir; he's a +stone mason, and if report speaks true, he makes the finest tombstones +imaginable." Reassured by this information, I lay back upon my couch and +watched Habinnas' entrance with great curiosity. Already drunk and +wearing several wreaths, his forehead smeared with perfume which ran down +into his eyes, he advanced with his hands upon his wife's shoulders, and, +seating himself in the Praetor's place, he called for wine and hot water. +Delighted with his good humor, Trimalchio called for a larger goblet for +himself, and asked him, at the same time, how he had been entertained. +"We had everything except yourself, for my heart and soul were here, but +it was fine, it was, by Hercules. Scissa was giving a Novendial feast +for her slave, whom she freed on his death-bed, and it's my opinion +she'll have a large sum to split with the tax gatherers, for the dead man +was rated at 50,000, but everything went off well, even if we did have to +pour half our wine on the bones of the late lamented." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-SIXTH. + +"But," demanded Trimalchio, "what did you have for dinner'?" "I'll tell +you if I can," answered he, "for my memory's so good that I often forget +my own name. Let's see, for the first course, we had a hog, crowned with +a wine cup and garnished with cheese cakes and chicken livers cooked well +done, beets, of course, and whole-wheat bread, which I'd rather have +than white, because it puts strength into you, and when I take a crap +afterwards, I don't have to yell. Following this, came a course of +tarts, served cold, with excellent Spanish wine poured over warm honey; +I ate several of the tarts and got the honey all over myself. Then there +were chick-peas and lupines, all the smooth-shelled nuts you wanted, and +an apple apiece, but I got away with two, and here they are, tied up in +my napkin; for I'll have a row on my hands if I don't bring some kind of +a present home to my favorite slave. Oh yes, my wife has just reminded +me, there was a haunch of bear-meat as a side dish, Scintilla ate some of +it without knowing what it was, and she nearly puked up her guts when she +found out. But as for me, I ate more than a pound of it, for it tasted +exactly like wild boar and, says I, if a bear eats a man, shouldn't that +be all the more reason for a man to eat a bear? The last course was soft +cheese, new wine boiled thick, a snail apiece, a helping of tripe, liver +pate, capped eggs, turnips and mustard. But that's enough. Pickled +olives were handed around in a wooden bowl, and some of the party +greedily snatched three handfuls, we had ham, too, but we sent it back." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-SEVENTH. + +"But why isn't Fortunata at the table, Gaius? Tell me." "What's that," +Trimalchio replied; "don't you know her better than that? She wouldn't +touch even a drop of water till after the silver was put away and the +leftovers divided among the slaves." "I'm going to beat it if she don't +take her place," Habinnas threatened, and started to get up; and then, +at a signal, the slaves all called out together "Fortunata," four times +or more. + +She appeared, girded round with a sash of greenish yellow, below which a +cherry-colored tunic could be seen, and she had on twisted anklets and +sandals worked in gold. Then, wiping her hands upon a handkerchief which +she wore around her neck, she seated herself upon the couch, beside +Scintilla, Habinnas' wife, and clapping her hands and kissing her, "My +dear," she gushed, "is it really you?" Fortunata then removed the +bracelets from her pudgy arms and held them out to the admiring +Scintilla, and by and by she took off her anklets and even her yellow +hair-net, which was twenty-four carats fine, she would have us know! +Trimalchio, who was on the watch, ordered every trinket to be brought to +him. "You see these things, don't you?" he demanded; "they're what +women fetter us with. That's the way us poor suckers are done! These +ought to weigh six pounds and a half. I have an arm-band myself, that +don't weigh a grain under ten pounds; I bought it out of Mercury's +thousandths, too." Finally, for fear he would seem to be lying, he +ordered the scales to be brought in and carried around to prove the +weights. And Scintilla was no better. She took off a small golden +vanity case which she wore around her neck, and which she called her +Lucky Box, and took from it two eardrops, which, in her turn, she handed +to Fortunata to be inspected. "Thanks to the generosity of my husband," +she smirked, "no woman has better." "What's that?" Habinnas demanded. +"You kept on my trail to buy that glass bean for you; if I had a +daughter, I'll be damned if I wouldn't cut off her little ears. We'd +have everything as cheap as dirt if there were no women, but we have to +piss hot and drink cold, the way things are now." The women, angry +though they were, were laughing together, in the meantime, and exchanging +drunken kisses, the one running on about her diligence as a housekeeper, +and the other about the infidelities and neglect of her husband. +Habinnas got up stealthily, while they were clinging together in this +fashion and, seizing Fortunata by the feet, he tipped her over backwards +upon the couch. "Let go!" she screeched, as her tunic slipped above her +knees; then, after pulling down her clothing, she threw herself into +Scintilla's lap, and hid, with her handkerchief, a face which was none +the more beautiful for its blushes. + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-EIGHTH. + +After a short interval, Trimalchio gave orders for the dessert to be +served, whereupon the slaves took away all the tables and brought in +others, and sprinkled the floor with sawdust mixed with saffron and +vermilion, and also with powdered mica, a thing I had never seen done +before. When all this was done Trimalchio remarked, "I could rest +content with this course, for you have your second tables, but, if you've +something especially nice, why bring it on." Meanwhile an Alexandrian +slave boy, who had been serving hot water, commenced to imitate a +nightingale, and when Trimalchio presently called out, "Change your +tune," we had another surprise, for a slave, sitting at Habinnas' feet, +egged on, I have no doubt, by his own master, bawled suddenly in a +singsong voice, "Meanwhile AEneas and all of his fleet held his course on +the billowy deep"; never before had my ears been assailed by a sound so +discordant, for in addition to his barbarous pronunciation, and the +raising and lowering of his voice, he interpolated Atellane verses, and, +for the first time in my life, Virgil grated on my nerves. When he had +to quit, finally, from sheer want of breath, "Did he ever have any +training," Habinnas exclaimed, "no, not he! I educated him by sending +him among the grafters at the fair, so when it comes to taking off a +barker or a mule driver, there's not his equal, and the rogue's clever, +too, he's a shoemaker, or a cook, or a baker a regular jack of all +trades. But he has two faults, and if he didn't have them, he'd be +beyond all price: he snores and he's been circumcised. And that's the +reason he never can keep his mouth shut and always has an eye open. I +paid three hundred dinars for him." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-NINTH. + +"Yes," Scintilla broke in, "and you've not mentioned all of his +accomplishments either; he's a pimp too, and I'm going to see that he's +branded," she snapped. Trimalchio laughed. "There's where the +Cappadocian comes out," he said; "never cheats himself out of anything +and I admire him for it, so help me Hercules, I do. No one can show a +dead man a good time. Don't be jealous, Scintilla; we're next to you +women, too, believe me. As sure as you see me here safe and sound, I +used to play at thrust and parry with Mamma, my mistress, and finally +even my master got suspicious and sent me back to a stewardship; but keep +quiet, tongue, and I'll give you a cake." Taking all this as praise, the +wretched slave pulled a small earthen lamp from a fold in his garment, +and impersonated a trumpeter for half an hour or more, while Habinnas +hummed with him, holding his finger pressed to his lips. Finally, the +slave stepped out into the middle of the floor and waved his pipes in +imitation of a flute-player; then, with a whip and a smock, he enacted +the part of a mule-driver. At last Habinnas called him over and kissed +him and said, as he poured a drink for him, "You get better all the time, +Massa. I'm going to give you a pair of shoes." Had not the dessert been +brought in, we would never have gotten to the end of these stupidities. +Thrushes made of pastry and stuffed with nuts and raisins, quinces with +spines sticking out so that they looked like sea-urchins. All this would +have been endurable enough had it not been for the last dish that was +served; so revolting was this, that we would rather have died of +starvation than to have even touched it. We thought that a fat goose, +flanked with fish and all kinds of birds, had been served, until +Trimalchio spoke up. "Everything you see here, my friends," said he, +"was made from the same stuff." With my usual keen insight, I jumped to +the conclusion that I knew what that stuff was and, turning to Agamemnon, +I said, "I shall be greatly surprised, if all those things are not made +out of excrement, or out of mud, at the very least: I saw a like artifice +practiced at Rome during the Saturnalia." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTIETH. + +I had not done speaking, when Trimalchio chimed in, "As I hope to grow +fatter in fortune but not in figure, my cook has made all this out of a +hog! It would be simply impossible to meet up with a more valuable +fellow: he'd make you a fish out of a sow's coynte, if that's what you +wanted, a pigeon out of her lard, a turtle-dove out of her ham, and a hen +out of a knuckle of pork: that's why I named him Daedalus, in a happy +moment. I brought him a present of knives, from Rome, because he's so +smart; they're made of Noric steel, too." He ordered them brought in +immediately, and looked them over, with admiration, even giving us the +chance to try their edges upon our cheeks. Then all of a sudden two +slaves came in, carrying on as if they had been fighting at the fountain, +at least; each one had a water-jar hanging from a yoke around his neck. +Trimalchio arbitrated their difference, but neither would abide by his +decision, and each one smashed the other's jar with a club. Perturbed at +the insolence of these drunken ruffians, we watched both of them +narrowly, while they were fighting, and then, what should come pouring +out of the broken jars but oysters and scallops, which a slave picked up +and passed around in a dish. The resourceful cook would not permit +himself to be outdone by such refinements, but served us with snails on a +silver gridiron, and sang continually in a tremulous and very discordant +voice. I am ashamed to have to relate what followed, for, contrary to +all convention, some long-haired boys brought in unguents in a silver +basin and anointed the feet of the reclining guests; but before doing +this, however, they bound our thighs and ankles with garlands of flowers. +They then perfumed the wine-mixing vessel with the same unguent and +poured some of the melted liquid into the lamps. Fortunata had, by this +time, taken a notion that she wanted to dance, and Scintilla was doing +more hand-clapping than talking, when Trimalchio called out, +"Philargyrus, and you too, Carrio, you can both come to the table; +even if you are green faction fans, and tell your bedfellow, Menophila, +to come too." What would you think happened then? We were nearly +crowded off the couches by the mob of slaves that crowded into the +dining-room and almost filled it full. As a matter of fact, I noticed +that our friend the cook, who had made a goose out of a hog, was placed +next to me, and he stunk from sauces and pickle. Not satisfied with a +place at the table, he immediately staged an impersonation of Ephesus the +tragedian, and then he suddenly offered to bet his master that the greens +would take first place in the next circus games. + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-FIRST. + +Trimalchio was hugely tickled at this challenge. "Slaves are men, my +friends," he observed, "but that's not all, they sucked the same milk +that we did, even if hard luck has kept them down; and they'll drink the +water of freedom if I live: to make a long story short, I'm freeing all +of them in my will. To Philargyrus, I'm leaving a farm, and his +bedfellow, too. Carrio will get a tenement house and his twentieth, +and a bed and bedclothes to boot. I'm making Fortunata my heir and I +commend her to all my friends. I announce all this in public so that my +household will love me as well now as they will when I'm dead." They all +commenced to pay tribute to the generosity of their master, when he, +putting aside his trifling, ordered a copy of his will brought in, which +same he read aloud from beginning to end, to the groaning accompaniment +of the whole household. Then, looking at Habinnas, "What say you, my +dearest friend," he entreated; "you'll construct my monument in keeping +with the plans I've given you, won't you? I earnestly beg that you carve +a little bitch at the feet of my statue, some wreaths and some jars of +perfume, and all of the fights of Petraites. Then I'll be able to live +even after I'm dead, thanks to your kindness. See to it that it has a +frontage of one hundred feet and a depth of two hundred. I want fruit +trees of every kind planted around my ashes; and plenty of vines, too, +for it's all wrong for a man to deck out his house when he's alive, and +then have no pains taken with the one he must stay in for a longer time, +and that's the reason I particularly desire that this notice be added: + + --THIS MONUMENT DOES NOT-- + --DESCEND TO AN HEIR-- + +"In any case, I'll see to it through a clause in my will, that I'm not +insulted when I'm dead. And for fear the rabble comes running up into my +monument, to crap, I'll appoint one of my freedmen custodian of my tomb. +I want you to carve ships under full sail on my monument, and me, in my +robes of office, sitting on my tribunal, five gold rings on my fingers, +pouring out coin from a sack for the people, for I gave a dinner and two +dinars for each guest, as you know. Show a banquet-hall, too, if you +can, and the people in it having a good time. On my right, you can place +a statue of Fortunata holding a dove and leading a little bitch on a +leash, and my favorite boy, and large jars sealed with gypsum, so the +wine won't run out; show one broken and a boy crying over it. Put a +sun-dial in the middle, so that whoever looks to see what time it is must +read my name whether he wants to or not. As for the inscription, think +this over carefully, and see if you think it's appropriate: + + HERE RESTS G POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO + FREEDMAN OF MAECENAS DECREED + AUGUSTAL, SEVIR IN HIS ABSENCE + HE COULD HAVE BEEN A MEMBER OF + EVERY DECURIA OF ROME BUT WOULD + NOT CONSCIENTIOUS BRAVE LOYAL + HE GREW RICH FROM LITTLE AND LEFT + THIRTY MILLION SESTERCES BEHIND + HE NEVER HEARD A PHILOSOPHER + FAREWELL TRIMALCHIO + FAREWELL PASSERBY" + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-SECOND. + +When he had repeated these words, Trimalchio began to weep copiously, +Fortunata was crying already, and so was Habinnas, and at last, the whole +household filled the dining-room with their lamentations, just as if they +were taking part in a funeral. Even I was beginning to sniffle, when +Trimalchio said, "Let's live while we can, since we know we've all got to +die. I'd rather see you all happy, anyhow, so let's take a plunge in the +bath. You'll never regret it. I'll bet my life on that, it's as hot as +a furnace!" "Fine business," seconded Habinnas, "there's nothing suits +me better than making two days out of one," and he got up in his bare +feet to follow Trimalchio, who was clapping his hands. I looked at +Ascyltos. "What do you think about this?" I asked. "The very sight of a +bath will be the death of me." "Let's fall in with his suggestion," he +replied, "and while they are hunting for the bath we will escape in the +crowd." Giton led us out through the porch, when we had reached this +understanding, and we came to a door, where a dog on a chain startled us +so with his barking that Ascyltos immediately fell into the fish-pond. +As for myself, I was tipsy and had been badly frightened by a dog that +was only a painting, and when I tried to haul the swimmer out, I was +dragged into the pool myself. The porter finally came to our rescue, +quieted the dog by his appearance, and pulled us, shivering, to dry land. +Giton had ransomed himself by a very cunning scheme, for what we had +saved for him, from dinner, he threw to the barking brute, which then +calmed its fury and became engrossed with the food. But when, with +chattering teeth, we besought the porter to let us out at the door, "If +you think you can leave by the same door you came in at," he replied, +"you're mistaken: no guest is ever allowed to go out through the same +door he came in at; some are for entrance, others for exit." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-THIRD. + +What were we miserable wretches to do, shut up in this newfangled +labyrinth. The idea of taking a hot bath had commenced to grow in favor, +so we finally asked the porter to lead us to the place and, throwing off +our clothing, which Giton spread out in the hall to dry, we went in. +It was very small, like a cold water cistern; Trimalchio was standing +upright in it, and one could not escape his disgusting bragging even +here. He declared that there was nothing nicer than bathing without a +mob around, and that a bakery had formerly occupied this very spot. +Tired out at last, he sat down, but when the echoes of the place tempted +him, he lifted his drunken mouth to the ceiling, and commenced murdering +the songs of Menacrates, at least that is what we were told by those who +understood his language. Some of the guests joined hands and ran around +the edge of the pool, making the place ring with their boisterous peals +of laughter; others tried to pick rings up from the floor, with their +hands tied behind them, or else, going down upon their knees, tried to +touch the ends of their toes by bending backwards. We went down into the +pool while the rest were taking part in such amusements. It was being +heated for Trimalchio. When the fumes of the wine had been dissipated, +we were conducted into another dining-room where Fortunata had laid out +her own treasures; I noticed, for instance, that there were little bronze +fishermen upon the lamps, the tables were of solid silver, the cups were +porcelain inlaid with gold; before our eyes wine was being strained +through a straining cloth. "One of my slaves shaves his first beard +today," Trimalchio remarked, at length, "a promising, honest, thrifty +lad; may he have no bad luck, so let's get our skins full and stick +around till morning." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-FOURTH. + +He had not ceased speaking when a cock crowed! Alarmed at this omen, +Trimalchio ordered wine thrown under the table and told them to sprinkle +the lamps with it; and he even went so far as to change his ring from his +left hand to his right. "That trumpeter did not sound off without a +reason," he remarked; "there's either a fire in the neighborhood, or else +someone's going to give up the ghost. I hope it's none of us! Whoever +brings that Jonah in shall have a present." He had no sooner made this +promise, than a cock was brought in from somewhere in the neighborhood +and Trimalchio ordered the cook to prepare it for the pot. That same +versatile genius who had but a short time before made birds and fish out +of a hog, cut it up; it was then consigned to the kettle, and while +Daedalus was taking a long hot drink, Fortunata ground pepper in a +boxwood mill. When these delicacies had been consumed, Trimalchio looked +the slaves over. "You haven't had anything to eat yet, have you?" he +asked. "Get out and let another relay come on duty." Thereupon a second +relay came in. "Farewell, Gaius," cried those going off duty, and "Hail, +Gaius," cried those coming on. Our hilarity was somewhat dampened soon +after, for a boy, who was by no means bad looking, came in among the +fresh slaves. Trimalchio seized him and kissed him lingeringly, +whereupon Fortunata, asserting her rights in the house, began to rail at +Trimalchio, styling him an abomination who set no limits to his lechery, +finally ending by calling him a dog. Trimalchio flew into a rage at her +abuse and threw a wine cup at her head, whereupon she screeched, as if +she had had an eye knocked out and covered her face with her trembling +hands. Scintilla was frightened, too, and shielded the shuddering woman +with her garment. An officious slave presently held a cold water pitcher +to her cheek and Fortunata bent over it, sobbing and moaning. But as for +Trimalchio, "What the hell's next?" he gritted out, "this Syrian +dancing-whore don't remember anything! I took her off the auction block +and made her a woman among her equals, didn't I? And here she puffs +herself up like a frog and pukes in her own nest; she's a blockhead, all +right, not a woman. But that's the way it is, if you're born in an attic +you can't sleep in a palace I'll see that this booted Cassandra's tamed, +so help me my Genius, I will! And I could have married ten million, even +if I did only have two cents: you know I'm not lying! 'Let me give you a +tip,' said Agatho, the perfumer to the lady next door, when he pulled me +aside: 'don't let your line die out!' And here I've stuck the ax into my +own leg because I was a damned fool and didn't want to seem fickle. I'll +see to it that you're more careful how you claw me up, sure as you're +born, I will! That you may realize how seriously I take what you've done +to me--Habinnas, I don't want you to put her statue on my tomb for fear +I'll be nagged even after I'm dead! And furthermore, that she may know I +can repay a bad turn, I won't have her kissing me when I'm laid out!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-FIFTH. + +When Trimalchio had launched this thunderbolt, Habinnas commenced to +beg him to control his anger. "There's not one of us but goes wrong +sometimes," argued he; "we're not gods, we're men." Scintilla also cried +out through her tears, calling him "Gaius," and entreating him by his +guardian angel to be mollified. Trimalchio could restrain the tears no +longer. "Habinnas," he blubbered, "as you hope to enjoy your money, spit +in my face if I've done anything wrong. I kissed him because he's very +thrifty, not because he's a pretty boy. He can recite his division table +and read a book at sight: he bought himself a Thracian uniform from his +savings from his rations, and a stool and two dippers, with his own +money, too. He's worth my attention, ain't he? But Fortunata won't see +it! Ain't that the truth, you high-stepping hussy'? Let me beg you to +make the best of what you've got, you shekite, and don't make me show my +teeth, my little darling, or you'll find out what my temper's like! +Believe me, when once I've made up my mind, I'm as fixed as a spike in a +beam! But let's think of the living. I hope you'll all make yourselves +at home, gentlemen: I was in your fix myself once; but rose to what I am +now by my own merit. It's the brains that makes the man, all the rest's +bunk. I buy well, I sell well, someone else will tell you a different +story, but as for myself, I'm fairly busting with prosperity. What, +grunting-sow, still bawling? I'll see to it that you've something to +bawl for, but as I started to say, it was my thrift that brought me to +my fortune. I was just as tall as that candlestick when I came over from +Asia; every day I used to measure myself by it, and I would smear my lips +with oil so my beard would sprout all the sooner. I was my master's +'mistress' for fourteen years, for there's nothing wrong in doing what +your master orders, and I satisfied my mistress, too, during that time, +you know what I mean, but I'll say no more, for I'm not one of your +braggarts!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-SIXTH. + +"At last it came about by the will of the gods that I was master in the +house, and I had the real master under my thumb then. What is there +left to tell? I was made co-heir with Caesar and came into a Senator's +fortune. But nobody's ever satisfied with what he's got, so I embarked +in business. I won't keep you long in suspense; I built five ships and +loaded them with wine--worth its weight in gold, it was then--and sent +them to Rome. You'd think I'd ordered it so, for every last one of them +foundered; it's a fact, no fairy tale about it, and Neptune swallowed +thirty million sesterces in one day! You don't think I lost my pep, do +you? By Hercules, no! That was only an appetizer for me, just as if +nothing at all had happened. I built other and bigger ships, better +found, too, so no one could say I wasn't game. A big ship's a big +venture, you know. I loaded them up with wine again, bacon, beans, +Capuan perfumes, and slaves: Fortunata did the right thing in this +affair, too, for she sold every piece of jewelry and all her clothes into +the bargain, and put a hundred gold pieces in my hand. They were the +nest-egg of my fortune. A thing's soon done when the gods will it; +I cleared ten million sesterces by that voyage, all velvet, and bought +in all the estates that had belonged to my patron, right away. I built +myself a house and bought cattle to resell, and whatever I touched grew +just like a honeycomb. I chucked the game when I got to have an income +greater than all the revenues of my own country, retired from business, +and commenced to back freedmen. I never liked business anyhow, as far as +that goes, and was just about ready to quit when an astrologer, a Greek +fellow he was, and his name was Serapa, happened to light in our colony, +and he slipped me some information and advised me to quit. He was hep to +all the secrets of the gods: told me things about myself that I'd +forgotten, and explained everything to me from needle and thread up; knew +me inside out, he did, and only stopped short of telling me what I'd had +for dinner the day before. You'd have thought he'd lived with me +always!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-SEVENTH. + +"Habinnas, you were there, I think, I'll leave it to you; didn't he say +--'You took your wife out of a whore-house'? you're as lucky in your +friends, too, no one ever repays your favor with another, you own broad +estates, you nourish a viper under your wing, and--why shouldn't I tell +it--I still have thirty years, four months, and two days to live! I'll +also come into another bequest shortly. That's what my horoscope tells +me. If I can extend my boundaries so as to join Apulia, I'll think I've +amounted to something in this life! I built this house with Mercury on +the job, anyhow; it was a hovel, as you know, it's a palace now! Four +dining-rooms, twenty bed-rooms, two marble colonnades, a store-room +upstairs, a bed-room where I sleep myself, a sitting-room for this viper, +a very good room for the porter, a guest-chamber for visitors. As a +matter of fact, Scaurus, when he was here, would stay nowhere else, +although he has a family place on the seashore. I'll show you many other +things, too, in a jiffy; believe me, if you have an as, you'll be rated +at what you have. So your humble servant, who was a frog, is now a king. +Stychus, bring out my funereal vestments while we wait, the ones I'll be +carried out in, some perfume, too, and a draught of the wine in that jar, +I mean the kind I intend to have my bones washed in." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-EIGHTH. + +It was not long before Stychus brought a white shroud and a +purple-bordered toga into the dining-room, and Trimalchio requested us +to feel them and see if they were pure wool. Then, with a smile, "Take +care, Stychus, that the mice don't get at these things and gnaw them, or +the moths either. I'll burn you alive if they do. I want to be carried +out in all my glory so all the people will wish me well." Then, opening +a jar of nard, he had us all anointed. "I hope I'll enjoy this as well +when I'm dead," he remarked, "as I do while I'm alive." He then ordered +wine to be poured into the punch-bowl. "Pretend," said he, "that you're +invited to my funeral feast." The thing had grown positively +nauseating, when Trimalchio, beastly drunk by now, bethought himself of +a new and singular diversion and ordered some horn-blowers brought into +the dining-room. Then, propped up by many cushions, he stretched +himself out upon the couch. "Let on that I'm dead," said he, "and say +something nice about me." The horn-blowers sounded off a loud funeral +march together, and one in particular, a slave belonging to an +undertaker, made such a fanfare that he roused the whole neighborhood, +and the watch, which was patrolling the vicinity, thinking Trimalchio's +house was afire, suddenly smashed in the door and rushed in with their +water and axes, as is their right, raising a rumpus all their own. We +availed ourselves of this happy circumstance and, leaving Agamemnon in +the lurch, we took to our heels, as though we were running away from a +real conflagration. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +Affairs start to go wrong, your friends will stand from under +Doctor's not good for anything except for a consolation +Everybody's business is nobody's business +He can teach you more than he knows himself +Learning's a fine thing, and a trade won't starve +Men are lions at home and foxes abroad +No one can show a dead man a good time +The loser's always the winner in arguments +Too many doctors did away with him +We know that you're only a fool with a lot of learning +Whenever you learn a thing, it's yours +Believes, on the spot, every tale +You can spot a louse on someone else + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Satyricon, Vol. 2 +(The Dinner of Trimalchio), by Petronius Arbiter + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SATYRICON, VOL. 2 *** + +***** This file should be named 5219.txt or 5219.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/1/5219/ + +Produced by David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**EBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These EBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers***** + + +Title: The Satyricon, v2 (Dinner of Trimalchio) + +Author: Petronius Arbiter + +Release Date: March, 2004 [EBook #5219] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on June 8, 2002] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + + + + + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SATYRICON OF PETRONIUS, V2 *** + + + +This eBook was produced by David Widger <widger@cecomet.net> + + + +[NOTE: There is a short list of bookmarks, or pointers, at the end of the +file for those who may wish to sample the author's ideas before making an +entire meal of them. D.W.] + + + + + + THE SATYRICON OF + PETRONIUS ARBITER + + Complete and unexpurgated translation by W. C. Firebaugh, + in which are incorporated the forgeries of Nodot and Marchena, + and the readings introduced into the text by De Salas. + +BRACKET CODE: + (Forgeries of Nodot) + [Forgeries of Marchena] + {Additions of De Salas} + DW + +VOLUME 2.--THE DINNER OF TRIMALCHIO + + +CHAPTER THE TWENTY-SEVENTH. + +Having put on our clothes, in the meantime, we commenced to stroll around +and soon, the better to amuse ourselves, approached the circle of +players; all of a sudden we caught sight of a bald-headed old fellow, +rigged out in a russet colored tunic, playing ball with some long haired +boys. It was not so much the boys who attracted our attention, although +they might well have merited it, as it was the spectacle afforded by this +beslippered paterfamilias playing with a green ball. If one but touched +the ground, he never stooped for it to put it back in play; for a slave +stood by with a bagful from which the players were supplied. We noted +other innovations as well, for two eunuchs were stationed at opposite +sides of the ring, one of whom held a silver chamber-pot, the other +counted the balls; not those which bounced back and forth from hand to +hand, in play, but those which fell to the ground. While we were +marveling at this display of refinement, Menelaus rushed up, "He is the +one with whom you will rest upon your elbow," he panted, "what you see +now, is only a prelude to the dinner." Menelaus had scarcely ceased +speaking when Trimalchio snapped his fingers; the eunuch, hearing the +signal, held the chamber-pot for him while he still continued playing. +After relieving his bladder, he called for water to wash his hands, +barely moistened his fingers, and dried them upon a boy's head. + + + + +CHAPTER THE TWENTY-EIGHTH. + +To go into details would take too long. We entered the bath, finally, +and after sweating for a minute or two in the warm room, we passed +through into the cold water. But short as was the time, Trimalchio had +already been sprinkled with perfume and was being rubbed down, not with +linen towels, however, but with cloths made from the finest wool. +Meanwhile, three masseurs were guzzling Falernian under his eyes, and +when they spilled a great deal of it in their brawling, Trimalchio +declared they were pouring a libation to his Genius. He was then wrapped +in a coarse scarlet wrap-rascal, and placed in a litter. Four runners, +whose liveries were decorated with metal plates, preceded him, as also +did a wheel-chair in which rode his favorite, a withered, blear eyed +slave, even more repulsive looking than his master. A singing boy +approached the head of his litter, as he was being carried along, and +played upon small pipes the whole way, just as if he were communicating +some secret to his master's ear. Marveling greatly, we followed, and met +Agamemnon at the outer door, to the post of which was fastened a small +tablet bearing this inscription: + + NO SLAVE TO LEAVE THE PREMISES + WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM THE MASTER. + PENALTY ONE HUNDRED LASHES. + +In the vestibule stood the porter, clad in green and girded with a +cherry-colored belt, shelling peas into a silver dish. Above the +threshold was suspended a golden cage, from which a black and white +magpie greeted the visitors. + + + + +CHAPTER THE TWENTY-NINTH. + +I almost fell backwards and broke my legs while staring at all this, for +to the left, as we entered, not far from the porter's alcove, an enormous +dog upon a chain was painted upon the wall, and above him this +inscription, in capitals: + + BEWARE THE DOG. + +My companions laughed, but I plucked up my courage and did not hesitate, +but went on and examined the entire wall. There was a scene in a slave +market, the tablets hanging from the slaves' necks, and Trimalchio +himself, wearing his hair long, holding a caduceus in his hand, entering +Rome, led by the hand of Minerva. Then again the painstaking artist had +depicted him casting up accounts, and still again, being appointed +steward; everything being explained by inscriptions. Where the walls +gave way to the portico, Mercury was shown lifting him up by the chin, +to a tribunal placed on high. Near by stood Fortune with her horn of +plenty, and the three Fates, spinning golden flax. I also took note of a +group of runners, in the portico, taking their exercise under the eye of +an instructor, and in one corner was a large cabinet, in which was a very +small shrine containing silver Lares, a marble Venus, and a golden casket +by no means small, which held, so they told us, the first shavings of +Trimalchio's beard. I asked the hall-porter what pictures were in the +middle hall. "The Iliad and the Odyssey," he replied, "and the +gladiatorial games given under Laenas." There was no time in which to +examine them all. + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTIETH. + +We had now come to the dining-room, at the entrance to which sat a +factor, receiving accounts, and, what gave me cause for astonishment, +rods and axes were fixed to the door-posts, superimposed, as it were, +upon the bronze beak of a ship, whereon was inscribed: + + TO GAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO + AUGUSTAL, SEVIR + FROM CINNAMUS HIS + STEWARD. + +A double lamp, suspended from the ceiling, hung beneath the inscription, +and a tablet was fixed to each door-post; one, if my memory serves me, +was inscribed, + + ON DECEMBER THIRTIETH AND + THIRTY FIRST + OUR + GAIUS DINES OUT + +the other bore a painting of the moon in her phases, and the seven +planets, and the days which were lucky and those which were unlucky, +distinguished by distinctive studs. We had had enough of these novelties +and started to enter the dining-room when a slave, detailed to this duty, +cried out, "Right foot first." Naturally, we were afraid that some of us +might break some rule of conduct and cross the threshold the wrong way; +nevertheless, we started out, stepping off together with the right foot, +when all of a sudden, a slave who had been stripped, threw himself at our +feet, and commenced begging us to save him from punishment, as it was no +serious offense for which he was in jeopardy; the steward's clothing had +been stolen from him in the baths, and the whole value could scarcely +amount to ten sesterces. So we drew back our right feet and intervened +with the steward, who was counting gold pieces in the hall, begging him +to remit the slave's punishment. Putting a haughty face on the matter, +"It's not the loss I mind so much," he said, "as it is the carelessness +of this worthless rascal. He lost my dinner clothes, given me on my +birthday they were, by a certain client, Tyrian purple too, but it had +been washed once already. But what does it amount to? I make you a +present of the scoundrel!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-FIRST. + +We felt deeply obligated by his great condescension, and the same +slave for whom we had interceded, rushed up to us as we entered the +dining-room, and to our astonishment, kissed us thick and fast, voicing +his thanks for our kindness. "You'll know in a minute whom you did a +favor for," he confided, "the master's wine is the thanks of a grateful +butler!" At length we reclined, and slave boys from Alexandria poured +water cooled with snow upon our hands, while others following, attended +to our feet and removed the hangnails with wonderful dexterity, nor were +they silent even during this disagreeable operation, but they all kept +singing at their work. I was desirous of finding out whether the whole +household could sing, so I ordered a drink; a boy near at hand instantly +repeated my order in a singsong voice fully as shrill, and whichever one +you accosted did the same. You would not imagine that this was the +dining-room of a private gentleman, but rather that it was an exhibition +of pantomimes. A very inviting relish was brought on, for by now all the +couches were occupied save only that of Trimalchio, for whom, after a new +custom, the chief place was reserved. + +On the tray stood a donkey made of Corinthian bronze, bearing panniers +containing olives, white in one and black in the other. Two platters +flanked the figure, on the margins of which were engraved Trimalchio's +name and the weight of the silver in each. Dormice sprinkled with +poppy-seed and honey were served on little bridges soldered fast to the +platter, and hot sausages on a silver gridiron, underneath which were +damson plums and pomegranate seeds. + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-SECOND. + +We Were in the midst of these delicacies when, to the sound of music, +Trimalchio himself was carried in and bolstered up in a nest of small +cushions, which forced a snicker from the less wary. A shaven poll +protruded from a scarlet mantle, and around his neck, already muffled +with heavy clothing, he had tucked a napkin having a broad purple stripe +and a fringe that hung down all around. On the little finger of his left +hand he wore a massive gilt ring, and on the first joint of the next +finger, a smaller one which seemed to me to be of pure gold, but as a +matter of fact it had iron stars soldered on all around it. And then, +for fear all of his finery would not be displayed, he bared his right +arm, adorned with a golden arm-band and an ivory circlet clasped with a +plate of shining metal. + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-THIRD. + +Picking his teeth with a silver quill, "Friends," said he, "it was not +convenient for me to come into the dining-room just yet, but for fear my +absence should cause you any inconvenience, I gave over my own pleasure: +permit me, however, to finish my game." A slave followed with a +terebinth table and crystal dice, and I noted one piece of luxury that +was superlative; for instead of black and white pieces, he used gold and +silver coins. He kept up a continual flow of various coarse expressions. +We were still dallying with the relishes when a tray was brought in, on +which was a basket containing a wooden hen with her wings rounded and +spread out as if she were brooding. Two slaves instantly approached, and +to the accompaniment of music, commenced to feel around in the straw. +They pulled out some pea-hen's eggs, which they distributed among the +diners. Turning his head, Trimalchio saw what was going on. "Friends," +he remarked. "I ordered pea-hen's eggs set under the hen, but I'm afraid +they're addled, by Hercules I am let's try them anyhow, and see if +they're still fit to suck." We picked up our spoons, each of which +weighed not less than half a pound, and punctured the shells, which were +made of flour and dough, and as a matter of fact, I very nearly threw +mine away for it seemed to me that a chick had formed already, but upon +hearing an old experienced guest vow, "There must be something good +here," I broke open the shell with my hand and discovered a fine fat +fig-pecker, imbedded in a yolk seasoned with pepper. + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-FOURTH. + +Having finished his game, Trimalchio was served with a helping of +everything and was announcing in a loud voice his willingness to join +anyone in a second cup of honied wine, when, to a flourish of music, the +relishes were suddenly whisked away by a singing chorus, but a small dish +happened to fall to the floor, in the scurry, and a slave picked it up. +Seeing this, Trimalchio ordered that the boy be punished by a box on the +ear, and made him throw it down again; a janitor followed with his broom +and swept the silver dish away among the litter. Next followed two +long-haired Ethiopians, carrying small leather bottles, such as are +commonly seen in the hands of those who sprinkle sand in the arena, and +poured wine upon our hands, for no one offered us water. When +complimented upon these elegant extras, the host cried out, "Mars loves +a fair fight: and so I ordered each one a separate table: that way these +stinking slaves won't make us so hot with their crowding." Some glass +bottles carefully sealed with gypsum were brought in at that instant; a +label bearing this inscription was fastened to the neck of each one: + + OPIMIAN FALERNIAN + ONE HUNDRED YEARS OLD. + +While we were studying the labels, Trimalchio clapped his hands and +cried, "Ah me! To think that wine lives longer than poor little man. +Let's fill 'em up! There's life in wine and this is the real Opimian, +you can take my word for that. I offered no such vintage yesterday, +though my guests were far more respectable." We were tippling away and +extolling all these elegant devices, when a slave brought in a silver +skeleton, so contrived that the joints and movable vertebra could be +turned in any direction. He threw it down upon the table a time or two, +and its mobile articulation caused it to assume grotesque attitudes, +whereupon Trimalchio chimed in: + + "Poor man is nothing in the scheme of things + And Orcus grips us and to Hades flings + Our bones! This skeleton before us here + Is as important as we ever were! + Let's live then while we may and life is dear." + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-FIFTH. + +The applause was followed by a course which, by its oddity, drew every +eye, but it did not come up to our expectations. There was a circular +tray around which were displayed the signs of the zodiac, and upon each +sign the caterer had placed the food best in keeping with it. Ram's +vetches on Aries, a piece of beef on Taurus, kidneys and lamb's fry on +Gemini, a crown on Cancer, the womb of an unfarrowed sow on Virgo, an +African fig on Leo, on Libra a balance, one pan of which held a tart and +the other a cake, a small seafish on Scorpio, a bull's eye on +Sagittarius, a sea lobster on Capricornus, a goose on Aquarius and two +mullets on Pisces. In the middle lay a piece of cut sod upon which +rested a honeycomb with the grass arranged around it. An Egyptian slave +passed bread around from a silver oven and in a most discordant voice +twisted out a song in the manner of the mime in the musical farce called +Laserpitium. Seeing that we were rather depressed at the prospect of +busying ourselves with such vile fare, Trimalchio urged us to fall to: +"Let us fall to, gentlemen, I beg of you, this is only the sauce!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-SIXTH. + +While he was speaking, four dancers ran in to the time of the music, +and removed the upper part of the tray. Beneath, on what seemed to be +another tray, we caught sight of stuffed capons and sows' bellies, and in +the middle, a hare equipped with wings to resemble Pegasus. At the +corners of the tray we also noted four figures of Marsyas and from their +bladders spouted a highly spiced sauce upon fish which were swimming +about as if in a tide-race. All of us echoed the applause which was +started by the servants, and fell to upon these exquisite delicacies, +with a laugh. "Carver," cried Trimalchio, no less delighted with the +artifice practised upon us, and the carver appeared immediately. Timing +his strokes to the beat of the music he cut up the meat in such a fashion +as to lead you to think that a gladiator was fighting from a chariot to +the accompaniment of a water-organ. Every now and then Trimalchio would +repeat "Carver, Carver," in a low voice, until I finally came to the +conclusion that some joke was meant in repeating a word so frequently, so +I did not scruple to question him who reclined above me. As he had often +experienced byplay of this sort he explained, "You see that fellow who is +carving the meat, don't you? Well, his name is Carver. Whenever +Trimalchio says Carver, carve her, by the same word, he both calls and +commands!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-SEVENTH. + +I could eat no more, so I turned to my whilom informant to learn as much +as I could and sought to draw him out with far-fetched gossip. I +inquired who that woman could be who was scurrying about hither and yon +in such a fashion. "She's called Fortunata," he replied. "She's the +wife of Trimalchio, and she measures her money by the peck. And only a +little while ago, what was she! May your genius pardon me, but you would +not have been willing to take a crust of bread from her hand. Now, +without rhyme or reason, she's in the seventh heaven and is Trimalchio's +factotum, so much so that he would believe her if she told him it was +dark when it was broad daylight! As for him, he don't know how rich he +is, but this harlot keeps an eye on everything and where you least expect +to find her, you're sure to run into her. She's temperate, sober, full +of good advice, and has many good qualities, but she has a scolding +tongue, a very magpie on a sofa, those she likes, she likes, but those +she dislikes, she dislikes! Trimalchio himself has estates as broad as +the flight of a kite is long, and piles of money. There's more silver +plate lying in his steward's office than other men have in their whole +fortunes! And as for slaves, damn me if I believe a tenth of them knows +the master by sight. The truth is, that these stand-a-gapes are so much +in awe of him that any one of them would step into a fresh dunghill +without ever knowing it, at a mere nod from him!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-EIGHTH. + +"And don't you get the idea that he buys anything; everything is produced +at home, wool, pitch, pepper, if you asked for hen's milk you would get +it. Because he wanted his wool to rival other things in quality, he +bought rams at Tarentum and sent 'em into his flocks with a slap on the +arse. He had bees brought from Attica, so he could produce Attic honey +at home, and, as a side issue, so he could improve the native bees by +crossing with the Greek. He even wrote to India for mushroom seed one +day, and he hasn't a single mule that wasn't sired by a wild ass. Do you +see all those cushions? Not a single one but what is stuffed with either +purple or scarlet wool! He hasn't anything to worry about! Look out how +you criticise those other fellow-freedmen-friends of his, they're all +well heeled. See the fellow reclining at the bottom of the end couch? +He's worth his 800,000 any day, and lie rose from nothing. Only a short +while ago he had to carry faggots on his own back. I don't know how true +it is, but they say that he snatched off an Incubo's hat and found a +treasure! For my part, I don't envy any man anything that was given him +by a god. He still carries the marks of his box on the ear, and he isn't +wishing himself any bad luck! He posted this notice, only the other day: + + CAIUS POMPONIUS DIOGENES HAS + PURCHASED A HOUSE + THIS GARNET FOR RENT AFTER + THE KALENDS OF JULY. + +"What do you think of the fellow in the freedman's place? He has a good +front, too, hasn't he? And he has a right to. He saw his fortune +multiplied tenfold, but he lost heavily through speculation at the last. +I don't think he can call his very hair his own, and it is no fault of +his either, by Hercules, it isn't. There's no better fellow anywhere his +rascally freedmen cheated him out of everything. You know very well how +it is; everybody's business is nobody's business, and once let business +affairs start to go wrong, your friends will stand from under! Look at +the fix he's in, and think what a fine trade he had! He used to be an +undertaker. He dined like a king, boars roasted whole in their shaggy +Bides, bakers' pastries, birds, cooks and bakers! More wine was spilled +under his table than another has in his wine cellar. His life was like a +pipe dream, not like an ordinary mortal's. When his affairs commenced to +go wrong, and he was afraid his creditors would guess that he was +bankrupt, he advertised an auction and this was his placard: + + JULIUS PROCULUS WILL SELL AT + AUCTION HIS SUPERFLUOUS + FURNITURE" + + + + +CHAPTER THE THIRTY-NINTH. + +Trimalchio broke in upon this entertaining gossip, for the course had +been removed and the guests, happy with wine, had started a general +conversation: lying back upon his couch, "You ought to make this wine go +down pleasantly," he said, "the fish must have something to swim in. But +I say, you didn't think I'd be satisfied with any such dinner as you saw +on the top of that tray? 'Is Ulysses no better known?' Well, well, we +shouldn't forget our culture, even at dinner. May the bones of my patron +rest in peace, he wanted me to become a man among men. No one can show +me anything new, and that little tray has proved it. This heaven where +the gods live, turns into as many different signs, and sometimes into the +Ram: therefore, whoever is born under that sign will own many flocks and +much wool, a hard head, a shameless brow, and a sharp horn. A great many +school-teachers and rambunctious butters-in are born under that sign." +We applauded the wonderful penetration of our astrologer and he ran on, +"Then the whole heaven turns into a bull-calf and the kickers and +herdsmen and those who see to it that their own bellies are full, come +into the world. Teams of horses and oxen are born under the Twins, and +well-hung wenchers and those who bedung both sides of the wall. I was +born under the Crab and therefore stand on many legs and own much +property on land and sea, for the crab is as much at home on one as he is +in the other. For that reason, I put nothing on that sign for fear of +weighing down my own destiny. Bulldozers and gluttons are born under the +Lion, and women and fugitives and chain-gangs are born under the Virgin. +Butchers and perfumers are born under the Balance, and all who think that +it is their business to straighten things out. Poisoners and assassins +are born under the Scorpion. Cross-eyed people who look at the +vegetables and sneak away with the bacon, are born under the Archer. +Horny-handed sons of toil are born under Capricorn. Bartenders and +pumpkin-heads are born under the Water-Carrier. Caterers and +rhetoricians are born under the Fishes: and so the world turns round, +just like a mill, and something bad always comes to the top, and men are +either being born or else they're dying. As to the sod and the honeycomb +in the middle, for I never do anything without a reason, Mother Earth is +in the centre, round as an egg, and all that is good is found in her, +just like it is in a honeycomb." + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTIETH. + +"Bravo!" we yelled, and, with hands uplifted to the ceiling, we swore +that such fellows as Hipparchus and Aratus were not to be compared with +him. At length some slaves came in who spread upon the couches some +coverlets upon which were embroidered nets and hunters stalking their +game with boar-spears, and all the paraphernalia of the chase. We knew +not what to look for next, until a hideous uproar commenced, just outside +the dining-room door, and some Spartan hounds commenced to run around the +table all of a sudden. A tray followed them, upon which was served a +wild boar of immense size, wearing a liberty cap upon its head, and from +its tusks hung two little baskets of woven palm fibre, one of which +contained Syrian dates, the other, Theban. Around it hung little +suckling pigs made from pastry, signifying that this was a brood-sow with +her pigs at suck. It turned out that these were souvenirs intended to be +taken home. When it came to carving the boar, our old friend Carver, who +had carved the capons, did not appear, but in his place a great bearded +giant, with bands around his legs, and wearing a short hunting cape in +which a design was woven. Drawing his hunting-knife, lie plunged it +fiercely into the boar's side, and some thrushes flew out of the gash. +fowlers, ready with their rods, caught them in a moment, as they +fluttered around the room and Trimalchio ordered one to each guest, +remarking, "Notice what fine acorns this forest-bred boar fed on," and as +he spoke, some slaves removed the little baskets from the tusks and +divided the Syrian and Theban dates equally among the diners. + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-FIRST. + +Getting a moment to myself, in the meantime, I began to speculate as to +why the boar had come with a liberty cap upon his head. After exhausting +my invention with a thousand foolish guesses, I made bold to put the +riddle which teased me to my old informant. "Why, sure," he replied, +"even your slave could explain that; there's no riddle, everything's as +plain as day! This boar made his first bow as the last course of +yesterday's dinner and was dismissed by the guests, so today he comes +back as a freedman!" I damned my stupidity and refrained from asking any +more questions for fear I might leave the impression that I had never +dined among decent people before. While we were speaking, a handsome +boy, crowned with vine leaves and ivy, passed grapes around, in a little +basket, and impersonated Bacchus-happy, Bacchus-drunk, and +Bacchus-dreaming, reciting, in the meantime, his master's verses, in a +shrill voice. Trimalchio turned to him and said, "Dionisus, be thou +Liber," whereupon the boy immediately snatched the cap from the boar's +head, and put it upon his own. At that Trimalchio added, "You can't +deny that my father's middle name was Liber!" We applauded Trimalchio's +conceit heartily, and kissed the boy as he went around. Trimalchio +retired to the close-stool, after this course, and we, having freedom of +action with the tyrant away, began to draw the other guests out. After +calling for a bowl of wine, Dama spoke up, "A day's nothing at all: it's +night before you can turn around, so you can't do better than to go +right to the dining-room from your bed. It's been so cold that I can +hardly get warm in a bath, but a hot drink's as good as an overcoat: +I've had some long pegs, and between you and me, I'm a bit groggy; the +booze has gone to my head." + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-SECOND. + +Here Seleucus took up the tale. "I don't bathe every day," he confided, +"a bath uses you up like a fuller: water's got teeth and your strength +wastes away a little every day; but when I've downed a pot of mead, I +tell the cold to suck my cock! I couldn't bathe today anyway, because I +was at a funeral; dandy fellow, he was too, good old Chrysanthus slipped +his wind! Why, only the other day he said good morning' to me, and I +almost think I'm talking to him now! Gawd's truth, we're only blown-up +bladders strutting around, we're less than flies, for they have some good +in them, but we're only bubbles. And supposing he had not kept to such a +low diet! Why, not a drop of water or a crumb of bread so much as passed +his lips for five days; and yet he joined the majority! Too many doctors +did away with him, or rather, his time had come, for a doctor's not good +for anything except for a consolation to your mind! He was well carried +out, anyhow, in the very bed he slept in during his lifetime. And he was +covered with a splendid pall: the mourning was tastefully managed; he had +freed some slaves; even though his wife was sparing with her tears: and +what if he hadn't treated her so well! But when you come to women, women +all belong to the kite species: no one ought to waste a good turn upon +one of them; it's just like throwing it down a well! An old love's like +a cancer!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-THIRD. + +He was becoming very tiresome, and Phileros cried out, "Let's think about +the living! He has what was coming to him, he lived respectably, and +respectably he died. What's he got to kick about'? He made his pile +from an as, and would pick a quadrans out of a dunghill with his teeth, +any old time. And he grew richer and richer, of course: just like a +honeycomb. I expect that he left all of a hundred thousand, by Hercules, +I do! All in cold cash, too; but I've eaten dog's tongue and must speak +the truth: he was foul-mouthed, had a ready tongue, he was a trouble +maker and no man. Now his brother was a good fellow, a friend to his +friend, free-handed, and he kept a liberal table. He picked a loser at +the start, but his first vintage set him upon his legs, for he sold his +wine at the figure he demanded, and, what made him hold his head higher +still, he came into a legacy from which he stole more than had been left +to him. Then that fool friend of yours, in a fit of anger at his +brother, willed his property away to some son-of-a-bitch or other, who +he was, I don't know, but when a man runs away from his own kin, he has +a long way to go! And what's more, he had some slaves who were +ear-specialists at the keyhole, and they did him a lot of harm, for a man +won't prosper when he believes, on the spot, every tale that he hears; a +man in business, especially. Still, he had a good time as long as he +lived: for happy's the fellow who gets the gift, not the one it was meant +for. He sure was Fortune's son! Lead turned to gold in his hands. It's +easy enough when everything squares up and runs on schedule. How old +would you think he was? Seventy and over, but he was as tough as horn, +carried his age well, and was as black as a crow. I knew the fellow for +years and years, and he was a lecher to the very last. I don't believe +that even the dog in his house escaped his attentions, by Hercules, I +don't; and what a boy-lover he was! Saw a virgin in every one he met! +Not that I blame him though, for it's all he could take with him." + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-FOURTH. + +Phileros had his say and Ganymedes exclaimed, "You gabble away about +things that don't concern heaven or earth: and none of you cares how the +price of grain pinches. I couldn't even get a mouthful of bread today, +by Hercules, I couldn't. How the drought does hang on! We've had famine +for a year. If the damned AEdiles would only get what's coming to them. +They graft with the bakers, scratch-my-arse-and-I'll-scratch-yours! +That's the way it always is, the poor devils are out of luck, but the +jaws of the capitalists are always keeping the Saturnalia. If only we +had such lion-hearted sports as we had when I first came from Asia! That +was the life! If the flour was not the very best, they would beat up +those belly-robbing grafters till they looked like Jupiter had been at +them. How well I remember Safinius; he lived near the old arch, when I +was a boy. For a man, he was one hot proposition! Wherever he went, the +ground smoked! But he was square, dependable, a friend to a friend, you +could safely play mora with him, in the dark. But how he did peel them +in the town hall: he spoke no parables, not he! He did everything +straight from the shoulder and his voice roared like a trumpet in the +forum. He never sweat nor spat. I don't know, but I think he had a +strain of the Asiatic in him. And how civil and friendly-like he was, +in returning everyone's greeting; called us all by name, just like he was +one of us! And so provisions were cheap as dirt in those days. The loaf +you got for an as, you couldn't eat, not even if someone helped you, but +you see them no bigger than a bull's eye now, and the hell of it is that +things are getting worse every day; this colony grows backwards like a +calf's tall! Why do we have to put up with an AEdile here, who's not +worth three Caunian figs and who thinks more of an as than of our lives? +He has a good time at home, and his daily income's more than another +man's fortune. I happen to know where he got a thousand gold pieces. +If we had any nuts, he'd not be so damned well pleased with himself! +Nowadays, men are lions at home and foxes abroad. What gets me is, that +I've already eaten my old clothes, and if this high cost of living keeps +on, I'll have to sell my cottages! What's going to happen to this town, +if neither gods nor men take pity on it? May I never have any luck if I +don't believe all this comes from the gods! For no one believes that +heaven is heaven, no one keeps a fast, no one cares a hang about Jupiter: +they all shut their eyes and count up their own profits. In the old +days, the married women, in their stolas, climbed the hill in their bare +feet, pure in heart, and with their hair unbound, and prayed to Jupiter +for rain! And it would pour down in bucketfuls then or never, and they'd +all come home, wet as drowned rats. But the gods all have the gout now, +because we are not religious; and so our fields are burning up!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-FIFTH. + +"Don't be so down in the mouth," chimed in Echion, the ragman; "if it +wasn't that it'd be something else, as the farmer said, when he lost his +spotted pig. If a thing don't happen today, it may tomorrow. That's the +way life jogs along. You couldn't name a better country, by Hercules, +you couldn't, if only the men had any brains. She's in hot water right +now, but she ain't the only one. We oughtn't to be so particular; +heaven's as far away everywhere else. If you were somewhere else, you'd +swear that pigs walked around here already roasted. Think of what's +coming! We'll soon have a fine gladiator show to last for three days, no +training-school pupils; most of them will be freedmen. Our Titus has a +hot head and plenty of guts and it will go to a finish. I'm well +acquainted with him, and he'll not stand for any frame-ups. It will be +cold steel in the best style, no running away, the shambles will be in +the middle of the amphitheatre where all the crowd can see. And what's +more, he has the coin, for he came into thirty million when his father +had the bad luck to die. He could blow in four hundred thousand and his +fortune never feel it, but his name would live forever. He has some +dwarfs already, and a woman to fight from a chariot. Then, there's +Glyco's steward; he was caught screwing Glyco's wife. You'll see some +battle between jealous husbands and favored lovers. Anyhow, that cheap +screw of a Glyco condemned his steward to the beasts and only published +his own shame. How could the slave go wrong when he only obeyed orders? +It would have been better if that she-piss-pot, for that's all she's fit +for, had been tossed by the bull, but a fellow has to beat the saddle +when he can't beat the jackass. How could Glyco ever imagine that a +sprig of Hermogenes' planting could turn out well? Why, Hermogenes could +trim the claws of a flying hawk, and no snake ever hatched out a rope +yet! And look at Glyco! He's smoked himself out in fine shape, and as +long as he lives, he'll carry that stain! No one but the devil himself +can wipe that out, but chickens always come home to roost. My nose tells +me that Mammaea will set out a spread: two bits apiece for me and mine! +And he'll nick Norbanus out of his political pull if he does; you all +know that it's to his interest to hump himself to get the best of him. +And honestly, what did that fellow ever do for us? He exhibited some two +cent gladiators that were so near dead they'd have fallen flat if you +blew your breath at them. I've seen better thugs sent against wild +beasts! And the cavalry he killed looked about as much like the real +thing as the horsemen on the lamps; you would have taken them for +dunghill cocks! One plug had about as much action as a jackass with a +pack-saddle; another was club-footed; and a third who had to take the +place of one that was killed, was as good as dead, and hamstrung into the +bargain. There was only one that had any pep, and he was a Thracian, but +he only fought when we egged him on. The whole crowd was flogged +afterwards. How the mob did yell 'Lay it on!' They were nothing but +runaways. And at that he had the nerve to say, 'I've given you a show.' +'And I've applauded,' I answered; 'count it up and you'll find that I +gave more than I got! One hand washes the other.'" + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-SIXTH + +"Agamemnon, your looks seem to say, What's this boresome nut trying to +hand us?' Well, I'm talking because you, who can talk book-foolishness, +won't. You don't belong to our bunch, so you laugh in your sleeve at the +way us poor people talk, but we know that you're only a fool with a lot +of learning. Well, what of it? Some day I'll get you to come to my +country place and take a look at my little estate. We'll have fresh eggs +and spring chicken to chew on when we get there; it will be all right +even if the weather has kept things back this year. We'll find enough to +satisfy us, and my kid will soon grow up to be a pupil of yours; he can +divide up to four, now, and you'll have a little servant at your side, if +he lives. When he has a minute to himself, he never takes his eyes from +his tablets; he's smart too, and has the right kind of stuff in him, even +if he is crazy about birds. I've had to kill three of his linnets +already. I told him that a weasel had gotten them, but he's found +another hobby, now he paints all the time. He's left the marks of his +heels on his Greek already, and is doing pretty well with his Latin, +although his master's too easy with him; won't make him stick to one +thing. He comes to me to get me to give him something to write when his +master don't want to work. Then there's another tutor, too, no scholar, +but very painstaking, though; he can teach you more than he knows +himself. He comes to the house on holidays and is always satisfied with +whatever you pay him. Some little time ago, I bought the kid some law +books; I want him to have a smattering of the law for home use. There's +bread in that! As for literature, he's got enough of that in him +already; if he begins to kick, I've concluded that I'll make him learn +some trade; the barber's, say, or the auctioneer's, or even the lawyer's. +That's one thing no one but the devil can do him out of! 'Believe what +your daddy says, Primigenius,' I din into his ears every day, 'whenever +you learn a thing, it's yours. Look at Phileros the attorney; he'd not +be keeping the wolf from the door now if he hadn't studied. It's not +long since he had to carry his wares on his back and peddle them, but he +can put up a front with Norbanus himself now! Learning's a fine thing, +and a trade won't starve.'" + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-SEVENTH. + +Twaddle of this sort was being bandied about when Trimalchio came in; +mopping his forehead and washing his hands in perfume, he said, after a +short pause, "Pardon me, gentlemen, but my stomach's been on strike for +the past few days and the doctors disagreed about the cause. But +pomegranate rind and pitch steeped in vinegar have helped me, and I hope +that my belly will get on its good behavior, for sometimes there's such a +rumbling in my guts that you'd think a bellowing bull was in there. So +if anyone wants to do his business, there's no call to be bashful about +it. None of us was born solid! I don't know of any worse torment than +having to hold it in, it's the one thing Jupiter himself can't hold in. +So you're laughing, are you, Fortunata? Why, you're always keeping me +awake at night yourself. I never objected yet to anyone in my +dining-room relieving himself when he wanted to, and the doctors forbid +our holding it in. Everything's ready outside, if the call's more +serious, water, close-stool, and anything else you'll need. Believe me, +when this rising vapor gets to the brain, it puts the whole body on the +burn. Many a one I've known to kick in just because he wouldn't own up +to the truth." We thanked him for his kindness and consideration, and +hid our laughter by drinking more and oftener. We had not realized that, +as yet, we were only in the middle of the entertainment, with a hill +still ahead, as the saying goes. The tables were cleared off to the beat +of music, and three white hogs, muzzled, and wearing bells, were brought +into the dining-room. The announcer informed us that one was a +two-year-old, another three, and the third just turned six. I had an +idea that some rope-dancers had come in and that the hogs would perform +tricks, just as they do for the crowd on the streets, but Trimalchio +dispelled this illusion by asking, "Which one will you have served up +immediately, for dinner? Any country cook can manage a dunghill cock, a +pentheus hash, or little things like that, but my cooks are well used to +serving up calves boiled whole, in their cauldrons!" Then he ordered a +cook to be called in at once, and without awaiting our pleasure, he +directed that the oldest be butchered, and demanded in a loud voice, +"What division do you belong too?" When the fellow made answer that he +was from the fortieth, "Were you bought, or born upon my estates?" +Trimalchio continued. "Neither," replied the cook, "I was left to you by +Pansa's will." "See to it that this is properly done," Trimalchio +warned, "or I'll have you transferred to the division of messengers!" +and the cook, bearing his master's warning in mind, departed for the +kitchen with the next course in tow. + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-EIGHTH. + +Trimalchio's threatening face relaxed and he turned to us, "If the wine +don't please you," he said, "I'll change it; you ought to do justice to +it by drinking it. I don't have to buy it, thanks to the gods. +Everything here that makes your mouths water, was produced on one of my +country places which I've never yet seen, but they tell me it's down +Terracina and Tarentum way. I've got a notion to add Sicily to my other +little holdings, so in case I want to go to Africa, I'll be able to sail +along my own coasts. But tell me the subject of your speech today, +Agamemnon, for, though I don't plead cases myself, I studied literature +for home use, and for fear you should think I don't care about learning, +let me inform you that I have three libraries, one Greek and the others +Latin. Give me the outline of your speech if you like me." + +"A poor man and a rich man were enemies," Agamemmon began, when: "What's +a poor man?" Trimalchio broke in. "Well put," Agamemnon conceded and +went into details upon some problem or other, what it was I do not know. +Trimalchio instantly rendered the following verdict, "If that's the case, +there's nothing to dispute about; if it's not the case, it don't amount +to anything anyhow." These flashes of wit, and others equally +scintillating, we loudly applauded, and he went on: "Tell me, my dearest +Agamemnon, do you remember the twelve labors of Hercules or the story of +Ulysses, how the Cyclops threw his thumb out of joint with a pig-headed +crowbar? When I was a boy, I used to read those stories in Homer. And +then, there's the Sibyl: with my own eyes I saw her, at Cumae, hanging up +in a jar; and whenever the boys would say to her 'Sibyl, Sibyl, what +would you?' she would answer, 'I would die.'" + + + + +CHAPTER THE FORTY-NINTH. + +Before he had run out of wind, a tray upon which was an enormous hog was +placed upon the table, almost filling it up. We began to wonder at the +dispatch with which it had been prepared and swore that no cock could +have been served up in so short a time; moreover, this hog seemed to us +far bigger than the boar had been. Trimalchio scrutinized it closely and +"What the hell," he suddenly bawled out, "this hog hain't been gutted, +has it? No, it hain't, by Hercules, it hain't! Call that cook! Call +that cook in here immediately!" When the crestfallen cook stood at the +table and owned up that he had forgotten to bowel him, "So you forgot, +did you?" Trimalchio shouted, "You'd think he'd only left out a bit of +pepper and cummin, wouldn't you? Off with his clothes!" The cook was +stripped without delay, and stood with hanging head, between two +torturers. We all began to make excuses for him at this, saying, "Little +things like that are bound to happen once in a while, let us prevail upon +you to let him off; if he ever does such a thing again, not a one of us +will have a word to say in his behalf." But for my part, I was +mercilessly angry and could not help leaning over towards Agamemnon and +whispering in his ear, "It is easily seen that this fellow is criminally +careless, is it not? How could anyone forget to draw a hog? If he had +served me a fish in that fashion I wouldn't overlook it, by Hercules, I +wouldn't." But that was not Trimalchio's way: his face relaxed into good +humor and he said, "Since your memory's so short, you can gut him right +here before our eyes!" The cook put on his tunic, snatched up a carving +knife, with a trembling hand, and slashed the hog's belly in several +places. Sausages and meat-puddings, widening the apertures, by their +own weight, immediately tumbled out. + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTIETH. + +The whole household burst into unanimous applause at this; "Hurrah for +Gaius," they shouted. As for the cook, he was given a drink and a silver +crown and a cup on a salver of Corinthian bronze. Seeing that Agamemnon +was eyeing the platter closely, Trimalchio remarked, "I'm the only one +that can show the real Corinthian!" I thought that, in his usual +purse-proud manner, he was going to boast that his bronzes were all +imported from Corinth, but he did even better by saying, "Wouldn't you +like to know how it is that I'm the only one that can show the real +Corinthian? Well, it's because the bronze worker I patronize is named +Corinthus, and what's Corinthian unless it's what a Corinthus makes? +And, so you won't think I'm a blockhead, I'm going to show you that I'm +well acquainted with how Corinthian first came into the world. When Troy +was taken, Hannibal, who was a very foxy fellow and a great rascal into +the bargain, piled all the gold and silver and bronze statues in one pile +and set 'em afire, melting these different metals into one: then the +metal workers took their pick and made bowls and dessert dishes and +statuettes as well. That's how Corinthian was born; neither one nor the +other, but an amalgam of all. But I prefer glass, if you don't mind my +saying so; it don't stink, and if it didn't break, I'd rather have it +than gold, but it's cheap and common now." + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-FIRST. + +"But there was an artisan, once upon a time, who made a glass vial that +couldn't be broken. On that account he was admitted to Caesar with his +gift; then he dashed it upon the floor, when Caesar handed it back to +him. The Emperor was greatly startled, but the artisan picked the vial +up off the pavement, and it was dented, just like a brass bowl would have +been! He took a little hammer out of his tunic and beat out the dent +without any trouble. When he had done that, he thought he would soon be +in Jupiter's heaven, and more especially when Caesar said to him, 'Is +there anyone else who knows how to make this malleable glass? Think +now!' And when he denied that anyone else knew the secret, Caesar +ordered his head chopped off, because if this should get out, we would +think no more of gold than we would of dirt." + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-SECOND. + +"And when it comes to silver, I'm a connoisseur; I have goblets as big as +wine-jars, a hundred of 'em more or less, with engraving that shows how +Cassandra killed her sons, and the dead boys are lying so naturally that +you'd think 'em alive. I own a thousand bowls which Mummius left to my +patron, where Daedalus is shown shutting Niobe up in the Trojan horse, +and I also have cups engraved with the gladiatorial contests of Hermeros +and Petraites: they're all heavy, too. I wouldn't sell my taste in these +matters for any money!" A slave dropped a cup while he was running on in +this fashion. Glaring at him, Trimalchio said, "Go hang yourself, since +you're so careless." The boy's lip quivered and he immediately commenced +to beg for mercy. "Why do you pray to me?" Trimalchio demanded, at +this: "I don't intend to be harsh with you, I'm only warning you against +being so awkward." Finally, however, we got him to give the boy a pardon +and no sooner had this been done than the slave started running around +the room crying, "Out with the water and in with the wine!" We all paid +tribute to this joke, but Agamemnon in particular, for he well knew what +strings to pull in order to secure another invitation to dinner. Tickled +by our flattery, and mellowed by the wine, Trimalchio was just about +drunk. "Why hasn't one of you asked my Fortunata to dance?" he +demanded, "There's no one can do a better cancan, believe me," and he +himself raised his arms above his head and favored us with an +impersonation of Syrus the actor; the whole household chanting: + + Oh bravo + Oh bravissimo + +in chorus, and he would have danced out into the middle of the room +before us all, had not Fortunata whispered in his ear, telling him, +I suppose, that such low buffoonery was not in keeping with his dignity. +But nothing could be so changeable as his humor, for one minute he stood +in awe of Fortunata, but his natural propensities would break out the +next. + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-THIRD. + +But his passion for dancing was interrupted at this stage by a +stenographer who read aloud, as if he were reading the public records, +"On the seventh of the Kalends of July, on Trimalchio's estates near +Cumae, were born thirty boys and forty girls: five hundred pecks of wheat +were taken from the threshing floors and stored in the granaries: five +hundred oxen were put to yoke: the slave Mithridates was crucified on the +same date for cursing the genius of our master, Gaius: on said date ten +million sesterces were returned to the vaults as no sound investment +could be found: on said date, a fire broke out in the gardens at Pompeii, +said fire originating in the house of Nasta, the bailiff." "What's +that?" demanded Trimalchio. "When were the gardens at Pompeii bought for +me?" "Why, last year," answered the stenographer, "for that reason the +item has not appeared in the accounts." Trimalchio flew into a rage at +this. "If I'm not told within six months of any real estate that's +bought for me," he shouted, "I forbid it's being carried to my account at +all!" Next, the edicts of his aediles were read aloud, and the wills of +some of his foresters in which Trimalchio was disinherited by a codicil, +then the names of his bailiffs, and that of a freedwoman who had been +repudiated by a night watchman, after she had been caught in bed with a +bath attendant, that of a porter banished to Baioe, a steward who was +standing trial, and lastly the report of a decision rendered in the +matter of a lawsuit, between some valets. When this was over with, some +rope dancers came in and a very boresome fool stood holding a ladder, +ordering his boy to dance from rung to rung, and finally at the top, all +this to the music of popular airs; then the boy was compelled to jump +through blazing hoops while grasping a huge wine jar with his teeth. +Trimalchio was the only one who was much impressed by these tricks, +remarking that it was a thankless calling and adding that in all the +world there were just two things which could give him acute pleasure, +rope-dancers and horn blowers; all other entertainments were nothing +but nonsense. "I bought a company of comedians," he went on, "but I +preferred for them to put on Atellane farces, and I ordered my +flute-player to play Latin airs only." + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-FOURTH. + +While our noble Gaius was still talking away, the boy slipped and fell, +alighting upon Trimalchio's arm. The whole household cried out, as did +also the guests, not that they bore such a coarse fellow any good will, +as they would gladly have seen his neck broken, but because such an +unlucky ending to the dinner might make it necessary for them to go into +mourning over a total stranger. As for Trimalchio, he groaned heavily +and bent over his arm as though it had been injured: doctors flocked +around him, and Fortunata was among the very first, her hair was +streaming and she held a cup in her hand and screamed out her grief and +unhappiness. As for the boy who had fallen, he was crawling at our feet, +imploring pardon. I was uneasy for fear his prayers would lead up to +some ridiculous theatrical climax, for I had not yet been able to forget +that cook who had forgotten to bowel that hog, and so, for this reason, I +began to scan the whole dining-room very closely, to see if an automaton +would come out through the wall; and all the more so as a slave was +beaten for having bound up his master's bruised arm in white wool instead +of purple. Nor was my suspicion unjustified, for in place of punishment, +Trimalchio ordered that the boy be freed, so that no one could say that +so exalted a personage had been injured by a slave. + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-FIFTH. + +We applauded his action and engaged in a discussion upon the instability +of human affairs, which many took sides. "A good reason," declared +Trimalchio, "why such an occasion shouldn't slip by without an epigram." +He called for his tablets at once, and after racking his brains for a +little while, he got off the following: + + The unexpected will turn up; + Our whole lives Fortune bungles up. + Falernian, boy, hand round the cup. + +This epigram led up to a discussion of the poets, and for a long time, +the greatest praise was bestowed upon Mopsus the Thracian, until +Trimalchio broke in with: "Professor, I wish you'd tell me how you'd +compare Cicero and Publilius. I'm of the opinion that the first was the +more eloquent, but that the last moralizes more beautifully, for what can +excel these lines? + + Insatiable luxury crumbles the walls of war; + To satiate gluttony, peacocks in coops are brought + Arrayed in gold plumage like Babylon tapestry rich. + Numidian guinea-fowls, capons, all perish for thee: + And even the wandering stork, welcome guest that he is, + The emblem of sacred maternity, slender of leg + And gloctoring exile from winter, herald of spring, + Still, finds his last nest in the--cauldron of gluttony base. + India surrenders her pearls; and what mean they to thee? + That thy wife decked with sea-spoils adorning her breast + and her head + On the couch of a stranger lies lifting adulterous legs? + The emerald green, the glass bauble, what mean they to thee? + Or the fire of the ruby? Except that pure chastity shine + From the depth of the jewels: in garments of woven wind clad + Our brides might as well take their stand, their game + naked to stalk, + As seek it in gossamer tissue transparent as air." + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-SIXTH. + +"What should we say was the hardest calling, after literature?" he asked. +"That of the doctor or that of the money-changer, I would say: the +doctor, because he has to know what poor devils have got in their +insides, and when the fever's due: but I hate them like the devil, for my +part, because they're always ordering me on a diet of duck soup: and the +money-changer's, because he's got to be able to see the silver through +the copper plating. When we come to the dumb beasts, the oxen and sheep +are the hardest worked, the oxen, thanks to whose labor we have bread to +chew on, the sheep, because their wool tricks us out so fine. It's the +greatest outrage under the sun for people to eat mutton and then wear a +tunic. Then there's the bee: in my opinion, they're divine insects +because they puke honey, though there are folks that claim that they +bring it from Jupiter, and that's the reason they sting, too, for +wherever you find a sweet, you'll find a bitter too." He was just putting +the philosophers out of business when lottery tickets were passed around +in a cup. A slave boy assigned to that duty read aloud the names of the +souvenirs: "Silver s--ham," a ham was brought in with some silver vinegar +cruets on top of it; "cervical"--something soft for the neck--a piece of +the cervix--neck--of a sheep was brought in; "serisapia"--after wit--"and +contumelia"--insult--we were given must wafers and an apple-melon--and a +phallus--contus--; "porri"--leeks--"and persica," he picked up a whip and +a knife; "passeres"--sparrows" and a fly--trap," the answer was +raisins--uva passa--and Attic honey; "cenatoria"--a dinner toga--"and +forensia"--business dress--he handed out a piece of meat--suggestive of +dinner--and a note-book--suggestive of business--; "canale"--chased by a +dog--"and pedale"--pertaining to the foot--, a hare and a slipper were +brought out; "lamphrey"--murena--"and a letter," he held up a +mouse--mus--and a frog--rana--tied together, and a bundle of +beet--beta--the Greek letter beta--. We laughed long and loud, there +were a thousand of these jokes, more or less, which have now escaped my +memory. + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-SEVENTH. + +But Ascyltos threw off all restraint and ridiculed everything; throwing +up his hands, he laughed until the tears ran down his cheeks. At last, +one of Trimalchio's fellow-freedmen, the one who had the place next to +me, flew into a rage, "What's the joke, sheep's-head," he bawled, "Don't +our host's swell entertainment suit you? You're richer than he is, I +suppose, and used to dining better! As I hope the guardian spirit of +this house will be on my side, I'd have stopped his bleating long ago if +I'd been sitting next to him. He's a peach, he is, laughing at others; +some vagabond or other from who-knows-where, some night-pad who's not +worth his own piss: just let me piss a ring around him and he wouldn't +know where to run to! I ain't easy riled, no, by Hercules, I ain't, but +worms breed in tender flesh. Look at him laugh! What the hell's he got +to laugh at? Is his family so damned fine-haired? So you're a Roman +knight! Well, I'm a king's son! How's it come that you've been a slave, +you'll ask because I put myself into service because I'd rather be a +Roman citizen than a tax-paying provincial. And now I hope that my life +will be such that no one can jeer at me. I'm a man among men! I take my +stroll bareheaded and owe no man a copper cent. I never had a summons in +my life and no one ever said to me, in the forum, pay me what you owe me. +I've bought a few acres and saved up a few dollars and I feed twenty +bellies and a dog. I ransomed my bedfellow so no one could wipe his +hands on her bosom; a thousand dinars it cost me, too. I was chosen +priest of Augustus without paying the fee, and I hope that I won't need +to blush in my grave after I'm dead. But you're so busy that you can't +look behind you; you can spot a louse on someone else, all right, but you +can't see the tick on yourself. You're the only one that thinks we're so +funny; look at your professor, he's older than you are, and we're good +enough for him, but you're only a brat with the milk still in your nose +and all you can prattle is 'ma' or 'mu,' you're only a clay pot, a piece +of leather soaked in water, softer and slipperier, but none the better +for that. You've got more coin than we have, have you? Then eat two +breakfasts and two dinners a day. I'd rather have my reputation than +riches, for my part, and before I make an end of this--who ever dunned me +twice? In all the forty years I was in service, no one could tell +whether I was free or a slave. I was only a long-haired boy when I came +to this colony and the town house was not built then. I did my best to +please my master and he was a digniferous and majestical gentleman whose +nail-parings were worth more than your whole carcass. I had enemies in +his house, too, who would have been glad to trip me up, but I swam the +flood, thanks to his kindness. Those are the things that try your +mettle, for it's as easy to be born a gentleman as to say, 'Come here.' +Well, what are you gaping at now, like a billy-goat in a vetch-field?" + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-EIGHTH. + +Giton, who had been standing at my feet, and who had for some time been +holding in his laughter, burst into an uproarious guffaw, at this last +figure of speech, and when Ascyltos' adversary heard it, he turned his +abuse upon the boy. "What's so funny, you curly-headed onion," he +bellowed, "are the Saturnalia here, I'd like to know? Is it December +now? + +"When did you pay your twentieth? What's this to you, you gallows-bird, +you crow's meat? I'll call the anger of Jupiter down on you and that +master of yours, who don't keep you in better order. If I didn't respect +my fellow-freedmen, I'd give you what is coming to you right here on the +spot, as I hope to get my belly full of bread, I would. We'll get along +well enough, but those that can't control you are fools; like master like +man's a true saying. I can hardly hold myself in and I'm not hot-headed +by nature, but once let me get a start and I don't care two cents for my +own mother. All right, I'll catch you in the street, you rat, you +toadstool. May I never grow an inch up or down if I don't push your +master into a dunghill, and I'll give you the same medicine, I will, by +Hercules, I will, no matter if you call down Olympian Jupiter himself! +I'll take care of your eight inch ringlets and your two cent master into +the bargain. I'll have my teeth into you, either you'll cut out the +laughing, or I don't know myself. Yes, even if you had a golden beard. +I'll bring the wrath of Minerva down on you and on the fellow that first +made a come-here out of you. No, I never learned geometry or criticism +or other foolishness like that, but I know my capital letters and I can +divide any figure by a hundred, be it in asses, pounds or sesterces. +Let's have a show-down, you and I will make a little bet, here's my coin; +you'll soon find out that your father's money was wasted on your +education, even if you do know a little rhetoric. How's this--what part +of us am I? I come far, I come wide, now guess me! I'll give you +another. What part of us runs but never moves from its place? What part +of us grows but always grows less? But you scurry around and are as +flustered and fidgeted as a mouse in a piss-pot. Shut up and don't annoy +your betters, who don't even know that you've been born. Don't think +that I'm impressed by those boxwood armlets that you did your mistress +out of. Occupo will back me! Let's go into the forum and borrow money, +then you'll see whether this iron ring means credit! Bah! A draggled +fox is a fine sight, ain't it'? I hope I never get rich and die decently +so that the people will swear by my death, if I don't hound you +everywhere with my toga turned inside out. And the fellow that taught +you such manners did a good job too, a chattering ape, all right, no +schoolmaster. We were better taught. 'Is everything in its place?' the +master would ask; go straight home and don't stop and stare at everything +and don't be impudent to your elders. Don't loiter along looking in at +the shops. No second raters came out of that school. I'm what you see +me and I thank the gods it's all due to my own cleverness." + + + + +CHAPTER THE FIFTY-NINTH. + +Ascyltos was just starting in to answer this indictment when Trimalchio, +who was delighted with his fellow-freedman's tirade, broke in, "Cut out +the bickering and let's have things pleasant here. Let up on the young +fellow, Hermeros, he's hot-blooded, so you ought to be more reasonable. +The loser's always the winner in arguments of this kind. And as for you, +even when you were a young punk you used to go 'Co-co co-co,' like a hen +after a rooster, but you had no pep. Let's get to better business and +start the fun all over again and watch the Homerists." A troupe filed +in, immediately, and clashed spears against shields. Trimalchio sat +himself up on his cushion and intoned in Latin, from a book, while the +actors, in accordance with their conceited custom, recited their parts in +the Greek language. There came a pause, presently, and "You don't any of +you know the plot of the skit they're putting on, do you?" he asked, +"Diomedes and Ganymede were two brothers, and Helen was their sister; +Agamemnon ran away with her and palmed off a doe on Diana, in her place, +so Homer tells how the Trojans and Parentines fought among themselves. +Of course Agamemnon was victorious, and gave his daughter Iphigenia, to +Achilles, for a wife: This caused Ajax to go mad, and he'll soon make the +whole thing plain to you." The Homerists raised a shout, as soon as +Trimalchio had done speaking, and, as the whole familia stepped back, a +boiled calf with a helmet on its head was brought in on an enormous +platter. Ajax followed and rushed upon it with drawn sword, as if he +were insane, he made passes with the flat, and again with the edge, and +then, collecting the slices, he skewered them, and, much to our +astonishment, presented them to us on the point of his sword. + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTIETH. + +But we were not given long in which to admire the elegance of such +service, for all of a sudden the ceiling commenced to creak and then the +whole dining-room shook. I leaped to my feet in consternation, for fear +some rope-walker would fall down, and the rest of the company raised +their faces, wondering as much as I what new prodigy was to be announced +from on high. Then lo and behold! the ceiling panels parted and an +enormous hoop, which appeared to have been knocked off a huge cask, was +lowered from the dome above; its perimeter was hung with golden chaplets +and jars of alabaster filled with perfume. We were asked to accept these +articles as souvenirs. When my glance returned to the table, I noticed +that a dish containing cakes had been placed upon it, and in the middle +an image of Priapus, made by the baker, and he held apples of all +varieties and bunches of grapes against his breast, in the conventional +manner. We applied ourselves wholeheartedly to this dessert and our +joviality was suddenly revived by a fresh diversion, for, at the +slightest pressure, all the cakes and fruits would squirt a saffron sauce +upon us, and even spurted unpleasantly into our faces. Being convinced +that these perfumed dainties had some religious significance, we arose in +a body and shouted, "Hurrah for the Emperor, the father of his country!" +However, as we perceived that even after this act of veneration, the +others continued helping themselves, we filled our napkins with the +apples. I was especially keen on this, for I thought I could never put +enough good things into Giton's lap. Three slaves entered, in the +meantime, dressed in white tunics well tucked up, and two of them placed +Lares with amulets hanging from their necks, upon the table, while the +third carried round a bowl of wine and cried, "May the gods be +propitious!" One was called Cerdo--business--, Trimalchio informed us, +the other Lucrio--luck--and the third Felicio--profit--and, when all the +rest had kissed a true likeness of Trimalchio, we were ashamed to pass it +by. + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-FIRST. + +After they had all wished each other sound minds and good health, +"Trimalchio turned to Niceros. "You used to be better company at +dinner," he remarked, "and I don't know why you should be dumb today, +with never a word to say. If you wish to make me happy, tell about that +experience you had, I beg of you." Delighted at the affability of his +friend, "I hope I lose all my luck if I'm not tickled to death at the +humor I see you in," Niceros replied. "All right, let's go the limit for +a good time, though I'm afraid these scholars'll laugh at me, but I'll +tell my tale and they can go as far as they like. What t'hell do I care +who laughs? It's better to be laughed at than laughed down." These +words spake the hero, and began the following tale: "We lived in a narrow +street in the house Gavilla now owns, when I was a slave. There, by the +will of the gods, I fell in love with the wife of Terentius, the +innkeeper; you knew Melissa of Tarentum, that pretty round-checked little +wench. It was no carnal passion, so hear me, Hercules, it wasn't; I was +not in love with her physical charms. No, it was because she was such a +good sport. I never asked her for a thing and had her deny me; if she +had an as, I had half. I trusted her with everything I had and never was +done out of anything. Her husband up and died on the place, one day, so +I tried every way I could to get to her, for you know friends ought to +show up when anyone's in a pinch. + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-SECOND. + +"It so happened that our master had gone to Capua to attend to some odds +and ends of business and I seized the opportunity, and persuaded a guest +of the house to accompany me as far as the fifth mile-stone. He was a +soldier, and as brave as the very devil. We set out about cock-crow, the +moon was shining as bright as midday, and came to where the tombstones +are. My man stepped aside amongst them, but I sat down, singing, and +commenced to count them up. When I looked around for my companion, he +had stripped himself and piled his clothes by the side of the road. My +heart was in my mouth, and I sat there while he pissed a ring around them +and was suddenly turned into a wolf! Now don't think I'm joking, I +wouldn't lie for any amount of money, but as I was saying, he commenced +to howl after he was turned into a wolf, and ran away into the forest. +I didn't know where I was for a minute or two, then I went to his +clothes, to pick them up, and damned if they hadn't turned to stone! Was +ever anyone nearer dead from fright than me? Then I whipped out my sword +and cut every shadow along the road to bits, till I came to the house of +my mistress. I looked like a ghost when I went in, and I nearly slipped +my wind. The sweat was pouring down my crotch, my eyes were staring, and +I could hardly be brought around. My Melissa wondered why I was out so +late. "Oh, if you'd only come sooner," she said, "you could have helped +us: a wolf broke into the folds and attacked the sheep, bleeding them +like a butcher. But he didn't get the laugh on me, even if he did get +away, for one of the slaves ran his neck through with a spear!" I +couldn't keep my eyes shut any longer when I heard that, and as soon as +it grew light, I rushed back to our Gaius' house like an innkeeper beaten +out of his bill, and when I came to the place where the clothes had been +turned into stone, there was nothing but a pool of blood! And moreover, +when I got home, my soldier was lying in bed, like an ox, and a doctor +was dressing his neck! I knew then that he was a werewolf, and after +that, I couldn't have eaten a crumb of bread with him, no, not if you had +killed me. Others can think what they please about this, but as for me, +I hope your geniuses will all get after me if I lie." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-THIRD. + +We were all dumb with astonishment, when "I take your story for granted," +said Trimalchio, "and if you'll believe me, my hair stood on end, and +all the more, because I know that Niceros never talks nonsense: he's +always level-headed, not a bit gossipy. And now I'll tell you a +hair-raiser myself, though I'm like a jackass on a slippery pavement +compared to him. When I was a long-haired boy, for I lived a Chian life +from my youth up, my master's minion died. He was a jewel, so hear me +Hercules, he was, perfect in every facet. While his sorrow-stricken +mother was bewailing his loss, and the rest of us were lamenting with +her, the witches suddenly commenced to screech so loud that you would +have thought a hare was being run down by the hounds! At that time, we +had a Cappadocian slave, tall, very bold, and he had muscle too; he +could hold a mad bull in the air! He wrapped a mantle around his left +arm, boldly rushed out of doors with drawn sword, and ran a woman +through the middle about here, no harm to what I touch. We heard a +scream, but as a matter of fact, for I won't lie to you, we didn't catch +sight of the witches themselves. Our simpleton came back presently, and +threw himself upon the bed. His whole body was black and blue, as if he +had been flogged with whips, and of course the reason of that was she +had touched him with her evil hand! We shut the door and returned to +our business, but when the mother put her arms around the body of her +son, it turned out that it was only a straw bolster, no heart, no guts, +nothing! Of course the witches had swooped down upon the lad and put +the straw changeling in his place! Believe me or not, suit yourselves, +but I say that there are women that know too much, and night-hags, too, +and they turn everything upside down! And as for the long-haired booby, +he never got back his own natural color and he died, raving mad, a few +days later." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-FOURTH. + +Though we wondered greatly, we believed none the less implicitly and, +kissing the table, we besought the night-hags to attend to their own +affairs while we were returning home from dinner. As far as I was +concerned, the lamps already seemed to burn double and the whole +dining-room was going round, when "See here, Plocamus," Trimalchio spoke +up, "haven't you anything to tell us? You haven't entertained us at all, +have you? And you used to be fine company, always ready to oblige with a +recitation or a song. The gods bless us, how the green figs have +fallen!" "True for you," the fellow answered, "since I've got the gout +my sporting days are over; but in the good old times when I was a young +spark, I nearly sang myself into a consumption. How I used to dance! +And take my part in a farce, or hold up my end in the barber shops! Who +could hold a candle to me except, of course, the one and only Apelles?" +He then put his hand to his mouth and hissed out some foul gibberish or +other, and said afterwards that it was Greek. Trimalchio himself then +favored us with an impersonation of a man blowing a trumpet, and when he +had finished, he looked around for his minion, whom he called Croesus, a +blear-eyed slave whose teeth were very disagreeably discolored. He was +playing with a little black bitch, disgustingly fat, wrapping her up in a +leek-green scarf and teasing her with a half-loaf of bread which he had +put on the couch; and when from sheer nausea, she refused it, he crammed +it down her throat. This sight put Trimalchio in mind of his own dog and +he ordered Scylax, "the guardian of his house and home," to be brought +in. An enormous dog was immediately led in upon a chain and, obeying a +kick from the porter, it lay down beside the table. Thereupon Trimalchio +remarked, as he threw it a piece of white bread, "No one in all my house +loves me better than Scylax." Enraged at Trimalchio's praising Scylax so +warmly, the slave put the bitch down upon the floor and sicked her on to +fight. Scylax, as might have been expected from such a dog, made the +whole room ring with his hideous barking and nearly shook the life out of +the little bitch which the slave called Pearl. Nor did the uproar end in +a dog fight, a candelabrum was upset upon the table, breaking the glasses +and spattering some of the guests with hot oil. As Trimalchio did not +wish to seem concerned at the loss, he kissed the boy and ordered him to +climb upon his own back. The slave did not hesitate but, mounting his +rocking-horse, he beat Trimalchio's shoulders with his open palms, +yelling with laughter, "Buck! Buck! How many fingers do I hold up!" +When Trimalchio had, in a measure, regained his composure, which took but +a little while, he ordered that a huge vessel be filled with mixed wine, +and that drinks be served to all the slaves sitting around our feet, +adding as an afterthought, "If anyone refuses to drink, pour it on his +head: business is business, but now's the time for fun." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-FIFTH. + +The dainties that followed this display of affability were of such a +nature that, if any reliance is to be placed in my word, the very mention +of them makes me sick at the stomach. Instead of thrushes, fattened +chickens were served, one to each of us, and goose eggs with pastry caps +on them, which same Trimalchio earnestly entreated us to eat, informing +us that the chickens had all been boned. Just at that instant, however, +a lictor knocked at the dining-room door, and a reveler, clad in white +vestments, entered, followed by a large retinue. Startled at such pomp, +I thought that the Praetor had arrived, so I put my bare feet upon the +floor and started to get up, but Agamemnon laughed at my anxiety and +said, "Keep your seat, you idiot, it's only Habinnas the sevir; he's a +stone mason, and if report speaks true, he makes the finest tombstones +imaginable." Reassured by this information, I lay back upon my couch and +watched Habinnas' entrance with great curiosity. Already drunk and +wearing several wreaths, his forehead smeared with perfume which ran down +into his eyes, he advanced with his hands upon his wife's shoulders, and, +seating himself in the Praetor's place, he called for wine and hot water. +Delighted with his good humor, Trimalchio called for a larger goblet for +himself, and asked him, at the same time, how he had been entertained. +"We had everything except yourself, for my heart and soul were here, but +it was fine, it was, by Hercules. Scissa was giving a Novendial feast +for her slave, whom she freed on his death-bed, and it's my opinion +she'll have a large sum to split with the tax gatherers, for the dead man +was rated at 50,000, but everything went off well, even if we did have to +pour half our wine on the bones of the late lamented." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-SIXTH. + +"But," demanded Trimalchio, "what did you have for dinner'?" "I'll tell +you if I can," answered he, "for my memory's so good that I often forget +my own name. Let's see, for the first course, we had a hog, crowned with +a wine cup and garnished with cheese cakes and chicken livers cooked well +done, beets, of course, and whole-wheat bread, which I'd rather have +than white, because it puts strength into you, and when I take a crap +afterwards, I don't have to yell. Following this, came a course of +tarts, served cold, with excellent Spanish wine poured over warm honey; +I ate several of the tarts and got the honey all over myself. Then there +were chick-peas and lupines, all the smooth-shelled nuts you wanted, and +an apple apiece, but I got away with two, and here they are, tied up in +my napkin; for I'll have a row on my hands if I don't bring some kind of +a present home to my favorite slave. Oh yes, my wife has just reminded +me, there was a haunch of bear-meat as a side dish, Scintilla ate some of +it without knowing what it was, and she nearly puked up her guts when she +found out. But as for me, I ate more than a pound of it, for it tasted +exactly like wild boar and, says I, if a bear eats a man, shouldn't that +be all the more reason for a man to eat a bear? The last course was soft +cheese, new wine boiled thick, a snail apiece, a helping of tripe, liver +pate, capped eggs, turnips and mustard. But that's enough. Pickled +olives were handed around in a wooden bowl, and some of the party +greedily snatched three handfuls, we had ham, too, but we sent it back." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-SEVENTH. + +"But why isn't Fortunata at the table, Gaius? Tell me." "What's that," +Trimalchio replied; "don't you know her better than that? She wouldn't +touch even a drop of water till after the silver was put away and the +leftovers divided among the slaves." "I'm going to beat it if she don't +take her place," Habinnas threatened, and started to get up; and then, +at a signal, the slaves all called out together "Fortunata," four times +or more. + +She appeared, girded round with a sash of greenish yellow, below which a +cherry-colored tunic could be seen, and she had on twisted anklets and +sandals worked in gold. Then, wiping her hands upon a handkerchief which +she wore around her neck, she seated herself upon the couch, beside +Scintilla, Habinnas' wife, and clapping her hands and kissing her, "My +dear," she gushed, "is it really you?" Fortunata then removed the +bracelets from her pudgy arms and held them out to the admiring +Scintilla, and by and by she took off her anklets and even her yellow +hair-net, which was twenty-four carats fine, she would have us know! +Trimalchio, who was on the watch, ordered every trinket to be brought to +him. "You see these things, don't you?" he demanded; "they're what +women fetter us with. That's the way us poor suckers are done! These +ought to weigh six pounds and a half. I have an arm-band myself, that +don't weigh a grain under ten pounds; I bought it out of Mercury's +thousandths, too." Finally, for fear he would seem to be lying, he +ordered the scales to be brought in and carried around to prove the +weights. And Scintilla was no better. She took off a small golden +vanity case which she wore around her neck, and which she called her +Lucky Box, and took from it two eardrops, which, in her turn, she handed +to Fortunata to be inspected. "Thanks to the generosity of my husband," +she smirked, "no woman has better." "What's that?" Habinnas demanded. +"You kept on my trail to buy that glass bean for you; if I had a +daughter, I'll be damned if I wouldn't cut off her little ears. We'd +have everything as cheap as dirt if there were no women, but we have to +piss hot and drink cold, the way things are now." The women, angry +though they were, were laughing together, in the meantime, and exchanging +drunken kisses, the one running on about her diligence as a housekeeper, +and the other about the infidelities and neglect of her husband. +Habinnas got up stealthily, while they were clinging together in this +fashion and, seizing Fortunata by the feet, he tipped her over backwards +upon the couch. "Let go!" she screeched, as her tunic slipped above her +knees; then, after pulling down her clothing, she threw herself into +Scintilla's lap, and hid, with her handkerchief, a face which was none +the more beautiful for its blushes. + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-EIGHTH. + +After a short interval, Trimalchio gave orders for the dessert to be +served, whereupon the slaves took away all the tables and brought in +others, and sprinkled the floor with sawdust mixed with saffron and +vermilion, and also with powdered mica, a thing I had never seen done +before. When all this was done Trimalchio remarked, "I could rest +content with this course, for you have your second tables, but, if you've +something especially nice, why bring it on." Meanwhile an Alexandrian +slave boy, who had been serving hot water, commenced to imitate a +nightingale, and when Trimalchio presently called out, "Change your +tune," we had another surprise, for a slave, sitting at Habinnas' feet, +egged on, I have no doubt, by his own master, bawled suddenly in a +singsong voice, "Meanwhile AEneas and all of his fleet held his course on +the billowy deep"; never before had my ears been assailed by a sound so +discordant, for in addition to his barbarous pronunciation, and the +raising and lowering of his voice, he interpolated Atellane verses, and, +for the first time in my life, Virgil grated on my nerves. When he had +to quit, finally, from sheer want of breath, "Did he ever have any +training," Habinnas exclaimed, "no, not he! I educated him by sending +him among the grafters at the fair, so when it comes to taking off a +barker or a mule driver, there's not his equal, and the rogue's clever, +too, he's a shoemaker, or a cook, or a baker a regular jack of all +trades. But he has two faults, and if he didn't have them, he'd be +beyond all price: he snores and he's been circumcised. And that's the +reason he never can keep his mouth shut and always has an eye open. I +paid three hundred dinars for him." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SIXTY-NINTH. + +"Yes," Scintilla broke in, "and you've not mentioned all of his +accomplishments either; he's a pimp too, and I'm going to see that he's +branded," she snapped. Trimalchio laughed. "There's where the +Cappadocian comes out," he said; "never cheats himself out of anything +and I admire him for it, so help me Hercules, I do. No one can show a +dead man a good time. Don't be jealous, Scintilla; we're next to you +women, too, believe me. As sure as you see me here safe and sound, I +used to play at thrust and parry with Mamma, my mistress, and finally +even my master got suspicious and sent me back to a stewardship; but keep +quiet, tongue, and I'll give you a cake." Taking all this as praise, the +wretched slave pulled a small earthen lamp from a fold in his garment, +and impersonated a trumpeter for half an hour or more, while Habinnas +hummed with him, holding his finger pressed to his lips. Finally, the +slave stepped out into the middle of the floor and waved his pipes in +imitation of a flute-player; then, with a whip and a smock, he enacted +the part of a mule-driver. At last Habinnas called him over and kissed +him and said, as he poured a drink for him, "You get better all the time, +Massa. I'm going to give you a pair of shoes." Had not the dessert been +brought in, we would never have gotten to the end of these stupidities. +Thrushes made of pastry and stuffed with nuts and raisins, quinces with +spines sticking out so that they looked like sea-urchins. All this would +have been endurable enough had it not been for the last dish that was +served; so revolting was this, that we would rather have died of +starvation than to have even touched it. We thought that a fat goose, +flanked with fish and all kinds of birds, had been served, until +Trimalchio spoke up. "Everything you see here, my friends," said he, +"was made from the same stuff." With my usual keen insight, I jumped to +the conclusion that I knew what that stuff was and, turning to Agamemnon, +I said, "I shall be greatly surprised, if all those things are not made +out of excrement, or out of mud, at the very least: I saw a like artifice +practiced at Rome during the Saturnalia." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTIETH. + +I had not done speaking, when Trimalchio chimed in, "As I hope to grow +fatter in fortune but not in figure, my cook has made all this out of a +hog! It would be simply impossible to meet up with a more valuable +fellow: he'd make you a fish out of a sow's coynte, if that's what you +wanted, a pigeon out of her lard, a turtle-dove out of her ham, and a hen +out of a knuckle of pork: that's why I named him Daedalus, in a happy +moment. I brought him a present of knives, from Rome, because he's so +smart; they're made of Noric steel, too." He ordered them brought in +immediately, and looked them over, with admiration, even giving us the +chance to try their edges upon our cheeks. Then all of a sudden two +slaves came in, carrying on as if they had been fighting at the fountain, +at least; each one had a water-jar hanging from a yoke around his neck. +Trimalchio arbitrated their difference, but neither would abide by his +decision, and each one smashed the other's jar with a club. Perturbed at +the insolence of these drunken ruffians, we watched both of them +narrowly, while they were fighting, and then, what should come pouring +out of the broken jars but oysters and scallops, which a slave picked up +and passed around in a dish. The resourceful cook would not permit +himself to be outdone by such refinements, but served us with snails on a +silver gridiron, and sang continually in a tremulous and very discordant +voice. I am ashamed to have to relate what followed, for, contrary to +all convention, some long-haired boys brought in unguents in a silver +basin and anointed the feet of the reclining guests; but before doing +this, however, they bound our thighs and ankles with garlands of flowers. +They then perfumed the wine-mixing vessel with the same unguent and +poured some of the melted liquid into the lamps. Fortunata had, by this +time, taken a notion that she wanted to dance, and Scintilla was doing +more hand-clapping than talking, when Trimalchio called out, +"Philargyrus, and you too, Carrio, you can both come to the table; +even if you are green faction fans, and tell your bedfellow, Menophila, +to come too." What would you think happened then? We were nearly +crowded off the couches by the mob of slaves that crowded into the +dining-room and almost filled it full. As a matter of fact, I noticed +that our friend the cook, who had made a goose out of a hog, was placed +next to me, and he stunk from sauces and pickle. Not satisfied with a +place at the table, he immediately staged an impersonation of Ephesus the +tragedian, and then he suddenly offered to bet his master that the greens +would take first place in the next circus games. + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-FIRST. + +Trimalchio was hugely tickled at this challenge. "Slaves are men, my +friends," he observed, "but that's not all, they sucked the same milk +that we did, even if hard luck has kept them down; and they'll drink the +water of freedom if I live: to make a long story short, I'm freeing all +of them in my will. To Philargyrus, I'm leaving a farm, and his +bedfellow, too. Carrio will get a tenement house and his twentieth, +and a bed and bedclothes to boot. I'm making Fortunata my heir and I +commend her to all my friends. I announce all this in public so that my +household will love me as well now as they will when I'm dead." They all +commenced to pay tribute to the generosity of their master, when he, +putting aside his trifling, ordered a copy of his will brought in, which +same he read aloud from beginning to end, to the groaning accompaniment +of the whole household. Then, looking at Habinnas, "What say you, my +dearest friend," he entreated; "you'll construct my monument in keeping +with the plans I've given you, won't you? I earnestly beg that you carve +a little bitch at the feet of my statue, some wreaths and some jars of +perfume, and all of the fights of Petraites. Then I'll be able to live +even after I'm dead, thanks to your kindness. See to it that it has a +frontage of one hundred feet and a depth of two hundred. I want fruit +trees of every kind planted around my ashes; and plenty of vines, too, +for it's all wrong for a man to deck out his house when he's alive, and +then have no pains taken with the one he must stay in for a longer time, +and that's the reason I particularly desire that this notice be added: + + --THIS MONUMENT DOES NOT-- + --DESCEND TO AN HEIR-- + +"In any case, I'll see to it through a clause in my will, that I'm not +insulted when I'm dead. And for fear the rabble comes running up into my +monument, to crap, I'll appoint one of my freedmen custodian of my tomb. +I want you to carve ships under full sail on my monument, and me, in my +robes of office, sitting on my tribunal, five gold rings on my fingers, +pouring out coin from a sack for the people, for I gave a dinner and two +dinars for each guest, as you know. Show a banquet-hall, too, if you +can, and the people in it having a good time. On my right, you can place +a statue of Fortunata holding a dove and leading a little bitch on a +leash, and my favorite boy, and large jars sealed with gypsum, so the +wine won't run out; show one broken and a boy crying over it. Put a +sun-dial in the middle, so that whoever looks to see what time it is must +read my name whether he wants to or not. As for the inscription, think +this over carefully, and see if you think it's appropriate: + + HERE RESTS G POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO + FREEDMAN OF MAECENAS DECREED + AUGUSTAL, SEVIR IN HIS ABSENCE + HE COULD HAVE BEEN A MEMBER OF + EVERY DECURIA OF ROME BUT WOULD + NOT CONSCIENTIOUS BRAVE LOYAL + HE GREW RICH FROM LITTLE AND LEFT + THIRTY MILLION SESTERCES BEHIND + HE NEVER HEARD A PHILOSOPHER + FAREWELL TRIMALCHIO + FAREWELL PASSERBY" + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-SECOND. + +When he had repeated these words, Trimalchio began to weep copiously, +Fortunata was crying already, and so was Habinnas, and at last, the whole +household filled the dining-room with their lamentations, just as if they +were taking part in a funeral. Even I was beginning to sniffle, when +Trimalchio said, "Let's live while we can, since we know we've all got to +die. I'd rather see you all happy, anyhow, so let's take a plunge in the +bath. You'll never regret it. I'll bet my life on that, it's as hot as +a furnace!" "Fine business," seconded Habinnas, "there's nothing suits +me better than making two days out of one," and he got up in his bare +feet to follow Trimalchio, who was clapping his hands. I looked at +Ascyltos. "What do you think about this?" I asked. "The very sight of a +bath will be the death of me." "Let's fall in with his suggestion," he +replied, "and while they are hunting for the bath we will escape in the +crowd." Giton led us out through the porch, when we had reached this +understanding, and we came to a door, where a dog on a chain startled us +so with his barking that Ascyltos immediately fell into the fish-pond. +As for myself, I was tipsy and had been badly frightened by a dog that +was only a painting, and when I tried to haul the swimmer out, I was +dragged into the pool myself. The porter finally came to our rescue, +quieted the dog by his appearance, and pulled us, shivering, to dry land. +Giton had ransomed himself by a very cunning scheme, for what we had +saved for him, from dinner, he threw to the barking brute, which then +calmed its fury and became engrossed with the food. But when, with +chattering teeth, we besought the porter to let us out at the door, "If +you think you can leave by the same door you came in at," he replied, +"you're mistaken: no guest is ever allowed to go out through the same +door he came in at; some are for entrance, others for exit." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-THIRD. + +What were we miserable wretches to do, shut up in this newfangled +labyrinth. The idea of taking a hot bath had commenced to grow in favor, +so we finally asked the porter to lead us to the place and, throwing off +our clothing, which Giton spread out in the hall to dry, we went in. +It was very small, like a cold water cistern; Trimalchio was standing +upright in it, and one could not escape his disgusting bragging even +here. He declared that there was nothing nicer than bathing without a +mob around, and that a bakery had formerly occupied this very spot. +Tired out at last, he sat down, but when the echoes of the place tempted +him, he lifted his drunken mouth to the ceiling, and commenced murdering +the songs of Menacrates, at least that is what we were told by those who +understood his language. Some of the guests joined hands and ran around +the edge of the pool, making the place ring with their boisterous peals +of laughter; others tried to pick rings up from the floor, with their +hands tied behind them, or else, going down upon their knees, tried to +touch the ends of their toes by bending backwards. We went down into the +pool while the rest were taking part in such amusements. It was being +heated for Trimalchio. When the fumes of the wine had been dissipated, +we were conducted into another dining-room where Fortunata had laid out +her own treasures; I noticed, for instance, that there were little bronze +fishermen upon the lamps, the tables were of solid silver, the cups were +porcelain inlaid with gold; before our eyes wine was being strained +through a straining cloth. "One of my slaves shaves his first beard +today," Trimalchio remarked, at length, "a promising, honest, thrifty +lad; may he have no bad luck, so let's get our skins full and stick +around till morning." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-FOURTH. + +He had not ceased speaking when a cock crowed! Alarmed at this omen, +Trimalchio ordered wine thrown under the table and told them to sprinkle +the lamps with it; and he even went so far as to change his ring from his +left hand to his right. "That trumpeter did not sound off without a +reason," he remarked; "there's either a fire in the neighborhood, or else +someone's going to give up the ghost. I hope it's none of us! Whoever +brings that Jonah in shall have a present." He had no sooner made this +promise, than a cock was brought in from somewhere in the neighborhood +and Trimalchio ordered the cook to prepare it for the pot. That same +versatile genius who had but a short time before made birds and fish out +of a hog, cut it up; it was then consigned to the kettle, and while +Daedalus was taking a long hot drink, Fortunata ground pepper in a +boxwood mill. When these delicacies had been consumed, Trimalchio looked +the slaves over. "You haven't had anything to eat yet, have you?" he +asked. "Get out and let another relay come on duty." Thereupon a second +relay came in. "Farewell, Gaius," cried those going off duty, and "Hail, +Gaius," cried those coming on. Our hilarity was somewhat dampened soon +after, for a boy, who was by no means bad looking, came in among the +fresh slaves. Trimalchio seized him and kissed him lingeringly, +whereupon Fortunata, asserting her rights in the house, began to rail at +Trimalchio, styling him an abomination who set no limits to his lechery, +finally ending by calling him a dog. Trimalchio flew into a rage at her +abuse and threw a wine cup at her head, whereupon she screeched, as if +she had had an eye knocked out and covered her face with her trembling +hands. Scintilla was frightened, too, and shielded the shuddering woman +with her garment. An officious slave presently held a cold water pitcher +to her cheek and Fortunata bent over it, sobbing and moaning. But as for +Trimalchio, "What the hell's next?" he gritted out, "this Syrian +dancing-whore don't remember anything! I took her off the auction block +and made her a woman among her equals, didn't I? And here she puffs +herself up like a frog and pukes in her own nest; she's a blockhead, all +right, not a woman. But that's the way it is, if you're born in an attic +you can't sleep in a palace I'll see that this booted Cassandra's tamed, +so help me my Genius, I will! And I could have married ten million, even +if I did only have two cents: you know I'm not lying! 'Let me give you a +tip,' said Agatho, the perfumer to the lady next door, when he pulled me +aside: 'don't let your line die out!' And here I've stuck the ax into my +own leg because I was a damned fool and didn't want to seem fickle. I'll +see to it that you're more careful how you claw me up, sure as you're +born, I will! That you may realize how seriously I take what you've done +to me--Habinnas, I don't want you to put her statue on my tomb for fear +I'll be nagged even after I'm dead! And furthermore, that she may know I +can repay a bad turn, I won't have her kissing me when I'm laid out!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-FIFTH. + +When Trimalchio had launched this thunderbolt, Habinnas commenced to +beg him to control his anger. "There's not one of us but goes wrong +sometimes," argued he; "we're not gods, we're men." Scintilla also cried +out through her tears, calling him "Gaius," and entreating him by his +guardian angel to be mollified. Trimalchio could restrain the tears no +longer. "Habinnas," he blubbered, "as you hope to enjoy your money, spit +in my face if I've done anything wrong. I kissed him because he's very +thrifty, not because he's a pretty boy. He can recite his division table +and read a book at sight: he bought himself a Thracian uniform from his +savings from his rations, and a stool and two dippers, with his own +money, too. He's worth my attention, ain't he? But Fortunata won't see +it! Ain't that the truth, you high-stepping hussy'? Let me beg you to +make the best of what you've got, you shekite, and don't make me show my +teeth, my little darling, or you'll find out what my temper's like! +Believe me, when once I've made up my mind, I'm as fixed as a spike in a +beam! But let's think of the living. I hope you'll all make yourselves +at home, gentlemen: I was in your fix myself once; but rose to what I am +now by my own merit. It's the brains that makes the man, all the rest's +bunk. I buy well, I sell well, someone else will tell you a different +story, but as for myself, I'm fairly busting with prosperity. What, +grunting-sow, still bawling? I'll see to it that you've something to +bawl for, but as I started to say, it was my thrift that brought me to +my fortune. I was just as tall as that candlestick when I came over from +Asia; every day I used to measure myself by it, and I would smear my lips +with oil so my beard would sprout all the sooner. I was my master's +'mistress' for fourteen years, for there's nothing wrong in doing what +your master orders, and I satisfied my mistress, too, during that time, +you know what I mean, but I'll say no more, for I'm not one of your +braggarts!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-SIXTH. + +"At last it came about by the will of the gods that I was master in the +house, and I had the real master under my thumb then. What is there +left to tell? I was made co-heir with Caesar and came into a Senator's +fortune. But nobody's ever satisfied with what he's got, so I embarked +in business. I won't keep you long in suspense; I built five ships and +loaded them with wine--worth its weight in gold, it was then--and sent +them to Rome. You'd think I'd ordered it so, for every last one of them +foundered; it's a fact, no fairy tale about it, and Neptune swallowed +thirty million sesterces in one day! You don't think I lost my pep, do +you? By Hercules, no! That was only an appetizer for me, just as if +nothing at all had happened. I built other and bigger ships, better +found, too, so no one could say I wasn't game. A big ship's a big +venture, you know. I loaded them up with wine again, bacon, beans, +Capuan perfumes, and slaves: Fortunata did the right thing in this +affair, too, for she sold every piece of jewelry and all her clothes into +the bargain, and put a hundred gold pieces in my hand. They were the +nest-egg of my fortune. A thing's soon done when the gods will it; +I cleared ten million sesterces by that voyage, all velvet, and bought +in all the estates that had belonged to my patron, right away. I built +myself a house and bought cattle to resell, and whatever I touched grew +just like a honeycomb. I chucked the game when I got to have an income +greater than all the revenues of my own country, retired from business, +and commenced to back freedmen. I never liked business anyhow, as far as +that goes, and was just about ready to quit when an astrologer, a Greek +fellow he was, and his name was Serapa, happened to light in our colony, +and he slipped me some information and advised me to quit. He was hep to +all the secrets of the gods: told me things about myself that I'd +forgotten, and explained everything to me from needle and thread up; knew +me inside out, he did, and only stopped short of telling me what I'd had +for dinner the day before. You'd have thought he'd lived with me +always!" + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-SEVENTH. + +"Habinnas, you were there, I think, I'll leave it to you; didn't he say-- +'You took your wife out of a whore-house'? you're as lucky in your +friends, too, no one ever repays your favor with another, you own broad +estates, you nourish a viper under your wing, and--why shouldn't I tell +it--I still have thirty years, four months, and two days to live! I'll +also come into another bequest shortly. That's what my horoscope tells +me. If I can extend my boundaries so as to join Apulia, I'll think I've +amounted to something in this life! I built this house with Mercury on +the job, anyhow; it was a hovel, as you know, it's a palace now! Four +dining-rooms, twenty bed-rooms, two marble colonnades, a store-room +upstairs, a bed-room where I sleep myself, a sitting-room for this viper, +a very good room for the porter, a guest-chamber for visitors. As a +matter of fact, Scaurus, when he was here, would stay nowhere else, +although he has a family place on the seashore. I'll show you many other +things, too, in a jiffy; believe me, if you have an as, you'll be rated +at what you have. So your humble servant, who was a frog, is now a king. +Stychus, bring out my funereal vestments while we wait, the ones I'll be +carried out in, some perfume, too, and a draught of the wine in that jar, +I mean the kind I intend to have my bones washed in." + + + + +CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-EIGHTH. + +It was not long before Stychus brought a white shroud and a +purple-bordered toga into the dining-room, and Trimalchio requested us +to feel them and see if they were pure wool. Then, with a smile, "Take +care, Stychus, that the mice don't get at these things and gnaw them, or +the moths either. I'll burn you alive if they do. I want to be carried +out in all my glory so all the people will wish me well." Then, opening +a jar of nard, he had us all anointed. "I hope I'll enjoy this as well +when I'm dead," he remarked, "as I do while I'm alive." He then ordered +wine to be poured into the punch-bowl. "Pretend," said he, "that you're +invited to my funeral feast." The thing had grown positively +nauseating, when Trimalchio, beastly drunk by now, bethought himself of +a new and singular diversion and ordered some horn-blowers brought into +the dining-room. Then, propped up by many cushions, he stretched +himself out upon the couch. "Let on that I'm dead," said he, "and say +something nice about me." The horn-blowers sounded off a loud funeral +march together, and one in particular, a slave belonging to an +undertaker, made such a fanfare that he roused the whole neighborhood, +and the watch, which was patrolling the vicinity, thinking Trimalchio's +house was afire, suddenly smashed in the door and rushed in with their +water and axes, as is their right, raising a rumpus all their own. We +availed ourselves of this happy circumstance and, leaving Agamemnon in +the lurch, we took to our heels, as though we were running away from a +real conflagration. + + + + +ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +Affairs start to go wrong, your friends will stand from under +Doctor's not good for anything except for a consolation +Everybody's business is nobody's business +He can teach you more than he knows himself +Learning's a fine thing, and a trade won't starve +Men are lions at home and foxes abroad +No one can show a dead man a good time +The loser's always the winner in arguments +Too many doctors did away with him +We know that you're only a fool with a lot of learning +Whenever you learn a thing, it's yours +Believes, on the spot, every tale +You can spot a louse on someone else + + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SATYRICON OF PETRONIUS, V2 *** + +******* This file should be named pas2w10.txt or pas2w10.zip ******** + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, pas2w11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, pas2w10a.txt + +This eBook was produced by David Widger <widger@cecomet.net> + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN EBOOKS*Ver.02/11/02*END* + diff --git a/old/pas2w10.zip b/old/pas2w10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..79b9ebc --- /dev/null +++ b/old/pas2w10.zip diff --git a/old/pas2w10h.html b/old/pas2w10h.html new file mode 100644 index 0000000..89bda6f --- /dev/null +++ b/old/pas2w10h.html @@ -0,0 +1,2316 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>THE SATYRICON</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {background:#faebd7; margin:10%; text-align:justify} +h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 {color:brown} +blockquote {font:smaller} +P {font-size:"14pt"} +p.poem {text-align:center} +p.external {font:bold} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + + + +<h2>THE SATYRICON of Petronius, Illustrated, V2</h2> +<pre> +The Project Gutenberg EBook The Satyricon of Petronius, Illustrated, v2 +#2 in our series by Petronius Arbiter (Translated by Firebaugh) + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**EBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These EBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers***** + + +Title: The Satyricon, Illustrated, Volume 2. + +Author: Petronius Arbiter + + +Release Date: March, 2004 [Etext #5219] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on June 8, 2002] +[This file was last updated on October 10, 2002] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + + + + + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SATYRICON, V2 *** + + + + +This eBook was produced by David Widger [widger@cecomet.net] + +</pre> +<br><hr> +<br><br><br><br><br><br> + +<center> +<h1> + <a name="PREFACE">THE SATYRICON OF</a> +<br> PETRONIUS ARBITER +</h1> +</center> + +<br> +<br> + <center><h3>Volume 2.</h3></center> + +<br> +<br> +<center> +<a name="bookspine"></a><img alt="bookspine.jpg (92K)" src="bookspine.jpg" height="1182" width="650"> +</center> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + + +<blockquote><blockquote> +<p><i>Complete and unexpurgated translation by W. C. Firebaugh, +in which are incorporated the forgeries of Nodot and Marchena, +and the readings introduced into the text by De Salas.</i></blockquote> +</blockquote> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<center> +<a name="pfront"></a><img alt="pfront.jpg (108K)" src="pfront.jpg" height="829" width="599"> +</center> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> + + + + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<br> +<br> +<h2>ILLUSTRATIONS:</h2> +<blockquote><blockquote> + +<p><a href="#p066">The Procession</a> +<p><a href="#p070">The Guilty Slave</a> +<p><a href="#p080">Fortunata</a> +<p><a href="#p090">Encolpius</a> +<p><a href="#p116">The Rope Dancers</a> +<p><a href="#p130">The Homerists</a> +<p><a href="#p144">The Entry of Habinnas</a> +<p><a href="#p148">Fortunata and Habinnas</a> +<p><a href="#p154">Fortunata Dancing</a> +<p><a href="#p162">The Bath</a> +<p><a href="#p164">The Disturbance</a> +</blockquote></blockquote> + +<br><br><br><br> +<center> + <h1><a name="THE SATYRICON"></a>THE SATYRICON OF</h1> + <h1>PETRONIUS ARBITER</h1> +</center> + +<br> +<br> + <center><h3>Volume 2.</h3></center> +<br> +<br> +<br> + + +<blockquote> +<p><i><b>BRACKET CODE:</b></i></p> +<p><i>(Forgeries of Nodot)</i></p> +<p><i>[Forgeries of Marchena]</i></p> +<p><i>{Additions of De Salas}</i></p> +<p><i> DW</i></p> +</blockquote> + +<br> +<br> +<br> + +<center> + +<h1>THE DINNER OF TRIMALCHIO</h1> +</center> +<br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE TWENTY-SEVENTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Having put on our clothes, in the meantime, we commenced to stroll around +and soon, the better to amuse ourselves, approached the circle of +players; all of a sudden we caught sight of a bald-headed old fellow, +rigged out in a russet colored tunic, playing ball with some long haired +boys. It was not so much the boys who attracted our attention, although +they might well have merited it, as it was the spectacle afforded by this +beslippered paterfamilias playing with a green ball. If one but touched +the ground, he never stooped for it to put it back in play; for a slave +stood by with a bagful from which the players were supplied. We noted +other innovations as well, for two eunuchs were stationed at opposite +sides of the ring, one of whom held a silver chamber-pot, the other +counted the balls; not those which bounced back and forth from hand to +hand, in play, but those which fell to the ground. While we were +marveling at this display of refinement, Menelaus rushed up, "He is the +one with whom you will rest upon your elbow," he panted, "what you see +now, is only a prelude to the dinner." Menelaus had scarcely ceased +speaking when Trimalchio snapped his fingers; the eunuch, hearing the +signal, held the chamber-pot for him while he still continued playing. +After relieving his bladder, he called for water to wash his hands, +barely moistened his fingers, and dried them upon a boy's head. + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p066"></a><img alt="p066.jpg (80K)" src="p066.jpg" height="837" width="567"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE TWENTY-EIGHTH. +</h2><br> +<p>To go into details would take too long. We entered the bath, finally, +and after sweating for a minute or two in the warm room, we passed +through into the cold water. But short as was the time, Trimalchio had +already been sprinkled with perfume and was being rubbed down, not with +linen towels, however, but with cloths made from the finest wool. +Meanwhile, three masseurs were guzzling Falernian under his eyes, and +when they spilled a great deal of it in their brawling, Trimalchio +declared they were pouring a libation to his Genius. He was then wrapped +in a coarse scarlet wrap-rascal, and placed in a litter. Four runners, +whose liveries were decorated with metal plates, preceded him, as also +did a wheel-chair in which rode his favorite, a withered, blear eyed +slave, even more repulsive looking than his master. A singing boy +approached the head of his litter, as he was being carried along, and +played upon small pipes the whole way, just as if he were communicating +some secret to his master's ear. Marveling greatly, we followed, and met +Agamemnon at the outer door, to the post of which was fastened a small +tablet bearing this inscription: + +<center> +<p> NO SLAVE TO LEAVE THE PREMISES +<p> WITHOUT PERMISSION FROM THE MASTER. +<p> PENALTY ONE HUNDRED LASHES. +</center> + +<p>In the vestibule stood the porter, clad in green and girded with a +cherry-colored belt, shelling peas into a silver dish. Above the +threshold was suspended a golden cage, from which a black and white +magpie greeted the visitors. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE TWENTY-NINTH. +</h2><br> +<p>I almost fell backwards and broke my legs while staring at all this, for +to the left, as we entered, not far from the porter's alcove, an enormous +dog upon a chain was painted upon the wall, and above him this +inscription, in capitals: + +<center> +<p> BEWARE THE DOG. +</center> + +<p>My companions laughed, but I plucked up my courage and did not hesitate, +but went on and examined the entire wall. There was a scene in a slave +market, the tablets hanging from the slaves' necks, and Trimalchio +himself, wearing his hair long, holding a caduceus in his hand, entering +Rome, led by the hand of Minerva. Then again the painstaking artist had +depicted him casting up accounts, and still again, being appointed +steward; everything being explained by inscriptions. Where the walls +gave way to the portico, Mercury was shown lifting him up by the chin, +to a tribunal placed on high. Near by stood Fortune with her horn of +plenty, and the three Fates, spinning golden flax. I also took note of a +group of runners, in the portico, taking their exercise under the eye of +an instructor, and in one corner was a large cabinet, in which was a very +small shrine containing silver Lares, a marble Venus, and a golden casket +by no means small, which held, so they told us, the first shavings of +Trimalchio's beard. I asked the hall-porter what pictures were in the +middle hall. "The Iliad and the Odyssey," he replied, "and the +gladiatorial games given under Laenas." There was no time in which to +examine them all. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTIETH.</h2> +<br> +<p>We had now come to the dining-room, at the entrance to which sat a +factor, receiving accounts, and, what gave me cause for astonishment, +rods and axes were fixed to the door-posts, superimposed, as it were, +upon the bronze beak of a ship, whereon was inscribed: + +<center> +<p> TO GAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO +<p> AUGUSTAL, SEVIR +<p> FROM CINNAMUS HIS +<p> STEWARD. +</center> + +<p>A double lamp, suspended from the ceiling, hung beneath the inscription, +and a tablet was fixed to each door-post; one, if my memory serves me, +was inscribed, + +<center> +<p> ON DECEMBER THIRTIETH AND +<p> THIRTY FIRST +<p> OUR +<p> GAIUS DINES OUT +</center> + +<p>the other bore a painting of the moon in her phases, and the seven +planets, and the days which were lucky and those which were unlucky, +distinguished by distinctive studs. We had had enough of these novelties +and started to enter the dining-room when a slave, detailed to this duty, +cried out, "Right foot first." Naturally, we were afraid that some of us +might break some rule of conduct and cross the threshold the wrong way; +nevertheless, we started out, stepping off together with the right foot, +when all of a sudden, a slave who had been stripped, threw himself at our +feet, and commenced begging us to save him from punishment, as it was no +serious offense for which he was in jeopardy; the steward's clothing had +been stolen from him in the baths, and the whole value could scarcely +amount to ten sesterces. So we drew back our right feet and intervened +with the steward, who was counting gold pieces in the hall, begging him +to remit the slave's punishment. Putting a haughty face on the matter, +"It's not the loss I mind so much," he said, "as it is the carelessness +of this worthless rascal. He lost my dinner clothes, given me on my +birthday they were, by a certain client, Tyrian purple too, but it had +been washed once already. But what does it amount to? I make you a +present of the scoundrel!" + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p070"></a><img alt="p070.jpg (71K)" src="p070.jpg" height="723" width="565"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-FIRST. +</h2><br> +<p>We felt deeply obligated by his great condescension, and the same +slave for whom we had interceded, rushed up to us as we entered the +dining-room, and to our astonishment, kissed us thick and fast, voicing +his thanks for our kindness. "You'll know in a minute whom you did a +favor for," he confided, "the master's wine is the thanks of a grateful +butler!" At length we reclined, and slave boys from Alexandria poured +water cooled with snow upon our hands, while others following, attended +to our feet and removed the hangnails with wonderful dexterity, nor were +they silent even during this disagreeable operation, but they all kept +singing at their work. I was desirous of finding out whether the whole +household could sing, so I ordered a drink; a boy near at hand instantly +repeated my order in a singsong voice fully as shrill, and whichever one +you accosted did the same. You would not imagine that this was the +dining-room of a private gentleman, but rather that it was an exhibition +of pantomimes. A very inviting relish was brought on, for by now all the +couches were occupied save only that of Trimalchio, for whom, after a new +custom, the chief place was reserved. + +<p>On the tray stood a donkey made of Corinthian bronze, bearing panniers +containing olives, white in one and black in the other. Two platters +flanked the figure, on the margins of which were engraved Trimalchio's +name and the weight of the silver in each. Dormice sprinkled with +poppy-seed and honey were served on little bridges soldered fast to the +platter, and hot sausages on a silver gridiron, underneath which were +damson plums and pomegranate seeds. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-SECOND. +</h2><br> +<p>We Were in the midst of these delicacies when, to the sound of music, +Trimalchio himself was carried in and bolstered up in a nest of small +cushions, which forced a snicker from the less wary. A shaven poll +protruded from a scarlet mantle, and around his neck, already muffled +with heavy clothing, he had tucked a napkin having a broad purple stripe +and a fringe that hung down all around. On the little finger of his left +hand he wore a massive gilt ring, and on the first joint of the next +finger, a smaller one which seemed to me to be of pure gold, but as a +matter of fact it had iron stars soldered on all around it. And then, +for fear all of his finery would not be displayed, he bared his right +arm, adorned with a golden arm-band and an ivory circlet clasped with a +plate of shining metal. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-THIRD. +</h2><br> +<p>Picking his teeth with a silver quill, "Friends," said he, "it was not +convenient for me to come into the dining-room just yet, but for fear my +absence should cause you any inconvenience, I gave over my own pleasure: +permit me, however, to finish my game." A slave followed with a +terebinth table and crystal dice, and I noted one piece of luxury that +was superlative; for instead of black and white pieces, he used gold and +silver coins. He kept up a continual flow of various coarse expressions. +We were still dallying with the relishes when a tray was brought in, on +which was a basket containing a wooden hen with her wings rounded and +spread out as if she were brooding. Two slaves instantly approached, and +to the accompaniment of music, commenced to feel around in the straw. +They pulled out some pea-hen's eggs, which they distributed among the +diners. Turning his head, Trimalchio saw what was going on. "Friends," +he remarked. "I ordered pea-hen's eggs set under the hen, but I'm afraid +they're addled, by Hercules I am let's try them anyhow, and see if +they're still fit to suck." We picked up our spoons, each of which +weighed not less than half a pound, and punctured the shells, which were +made of flour and dough, and as a matter of fact, I very nearly threw +mine away for it seemed to me that a chick had formed already, but upon +hearing an old experienced guest vow, "There must be something good +here," I broke open the shell with my hand and discovered a fine fat +fig-pecker, imbedded in a yolk seasoned with pepper. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-FOURTH. +</h2><br> +<p>Having finished his game, Trimalchio was served with a helping of +everything and was announcing in a loud voice his willingness to join +anyone in a second cup of honied wine, when, to a flourish of music, the +relishes were suddenly whisked away by a singing chorus, but a small dish +happened to fall to the floor, in the scurry, and a slave picked it up. +Seeing this, Trimalchio ordered that the boy be punished by a box on the +ear, and made him throw it down again; a janitor followed with his broom +and swept the silver dish away among the litter. Next followed two +long-haired Ethiopians, carrying small leather bottles, such as are commonly +seen in the hands of those who sprinkle sand in the arena, and poured +wine upon our hands, for no one offered us water. When complimented upon +these elegant extras, the host cried out, "Mars loves a fair fight: and +so I ordered each one a separate table: that way these stinking slaves +won't make us so hot with their crowding." Some glass bottles carefully +sealed with gypsum were brought in at that instant; a label bearing this +inscription was fastened to the neck of each one: + + +<center> +<p> OPIMIAN FALERNIAN +<p> ONE HUNDRED YEARS OLD. +</center> + +<p>While we were studying the labels, Trimalchio clapped his hands and +cried, "Ah me! To think that wine lives longer than poor little man. +Let's fill 'em up! There's life in wine and this is the real Opimian, +you can take my word for that. I offered no such vintage yesterday, +though my guests were far more respectable." We were tippling away and +extolling all these elegant devices, when a slave brought in a silver +skeleton, so contrived that the joints and movable vertebra could be +turned in any direction. He threw it down upon the table a time or two, +and its mobile articulation caused it to assume grotesque attitudes, +whereupon Trimalchio chimed in: + +<blockquote><blockquote> +<p> "Poor man is nothing in the scheme of things +<p> And Orcus grips us and to Hades flings +<p> Our bones! This skeleton before us here +<p> Is as important as we ever were! +<p> Let's live then while we may and life is dear." +</blockquote></blockquote> + + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-FIFTH. +</h2><br> + +<p>The applause was followed by a course which, by its oddity, drew every +eye, but it did not come up to our expectations. There was a circular +tray around which were displayed the signs of the zodiac, and upon each +sign the caterer had placed the food best in keeping with it. Ram's +vetches on Aries, a piece of beef on Taurus, kidneys and lamb's fry on +Gemini, a crown on Cancer, the womb of an unfarrowed sow on Virgo, an +African fig on Leo, on Libra a balance, one pan of which held a tart and +the other a cake, a small seafish on Scorpio, a bull's eye on +Sagittarius, a sea lobster on Capricornus, a goose on Aquarius and two +mullets on Pisces. In the middle lay a piece of cut sod upon which +rested a honeycomb with the grass arranged around it. An Egyptian slave +passed bread around from a silver oven and in a most discordant voice +twisted out a song in the manner of the mime in the musical farce called +Laserpitium. Seeing that we were rather depressed at the prospect of +busying ourselves with such vile fare, Trimalchio urged us to fall to: +"Let us fall to, gentlemen, I beg of you, this is only the sauce!" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-SIXTH. +</h2><br> +<p>While he was speaking, four dancers ran in to the time of the music, +and removed the upper part of the tray. Beneath, on what seemed to be +another tray, we caught sight of stuffed capons and sows' bellies, and in +the middle, a hare equipped with wings to resemble Pegasus. At the +corners of the tray we also noted four figures of Marsyas and from their +bladders spouted a highly spiced sauce upon fish which were swimming +about as if in a tide-race. All of us echoed the applause which was +started by the servants, and fell to upon these exquisite delicacies, +with a laugh. "Carver," cried Trimalchio, no less delighted with the +artifice practised upon us, and the carver appeared immediately. Timing +his strokes to the beat of the music he cut up the meat in such a fashion +as to lead you to think that a gladiator was fighting from a chariot to +the accompaniment of a water-organ. Every now and then Trimalchio would +repeat "Carver, Carver," in a low voice, until I finally came to the +conclusion that some joke was meant in repeating a word so frequently, so +I did not scruple to question him who reclined above me. As he had often +experienced byplay of this sort he explained, "You see that fellow who is +carving the meat, don't you? Well, his name is Carver. Whenever +Trimalchio says Carver, carve her, by the same word, he both calls and +commands!" + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p080"></a><img alt="p080.jpg (60K)" src="p080.jpg" height="885" width="497"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-SEVENTH. +</h2><br> +<p>I could eat no more, so I turned to my whilom informant to learn as much +as I could and sought to draw him out with far-fetched gossip. I +inquired who that woman could be who was scurrying about hither and yon +in such a fashion. "She's called Fortunata," he replied. "She's the +wife of Trimalchio, and she measures her money by the peck. And only a +little while ago, what was she! May your genius pardon me, but you would +not have been willing to take a crust of bread from her hand. Now, +without rhyme or reason, she's in the seventh heaven and is Trimalchio's +factotum, so much so that he would believe her if she told him it was +dark when it was broad daylight! As for him, he don't know how rich he +is, but this harlot keeps an eye on everything and where you least expect +to find her, you're sure to run into her. She's temperate, sober, full +of good advice, and has many good qualities, but she has a scolding +tongue, a very magpie on a sofa, those she likes, she likes, but those +she dislikes, she dislikes! Trimalchio himself has estates as broad as +the flight of a kite is long, and piles of money. There's more silver +plate lying in his steward's office than other men have in their whole +fortunes! And as for slaves, damn me if I believe a tenth of them knows +the master by sight. The truth is, that these stand-a-gapes are so much +in awe of him that any one of them would step into a fresh dunghill +without ever knowing it, at a mere nod from him!" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-EIGHTH. +</h2><br> +<p>"And don't you get the idea that he buys anything; everything is produced +at home, wool, pitch, pepper, if you asked for hen's milk you would get +it. Because he wanted his wool to rival other things in quality, he +bought rams at Tarentum and sent 'em into his flocks with a slap on the +arse. He had bees brought from Attica, so he could produce Attic honey +at home, and, as a side issue, so he could improve the native bees by +crossing with the Greek. He even wrote to India for mushroom seed one +day, and he hasn't a single mule that wasn't sired by a wild ass. Do you +see all those cushions? Not a single one but what is stuffed with either +purple or scarlet wool! He hasn't anything to worry about! Look out how +you criticise those other fellow-freedmen-friends of his, they're all +well heeled. See the fellow reclining at the bottom of the end couch? +He's worth his 800,000 any day, and lie rose from nothing. Only a short +while ago he had to carry faggots on his own back. I don't know how true +it is, but they say that he snatched off an Incubo's hat and found a +treasure! For my part, I don't envy any man anything that was given him +by a god. He still carries the marks of his box on the ear, and he isn't +wishing himself any bad luck! He posted this notice, only the other day: + +<center> +<p> CAIUS POMPONIUS DIOGENES HAS +<p> PURCHASED A HOUSE +<p> THIS GARNET FOR RENT AFTER +<p> THE KALENDS OF JULY. +</center> + +<p>"What do you think of the fellow in the freedman's place? He has a good +front, too, hasn't he? And he has a right to. He saw his fortune +multiplied tenfold, but he lost heavily through speculation at the last. +I don't think he can call his very hair his own, and it is no fault of +his either, by Hercules, it isn't. There's no better fellow anywhere his +rascally freedmen cheated him out of everything. You know very well how +it is; everybody's business is nobody's business, and once let business +affairs start to go wrong, your friends will stand from under! Look at +the fix he's in, and think what a fine trade he had! He used to be an +undertaker. He dined like a king, boars roasted whole in their shaggy +Bides, bakers' pastries, birds, cooks and bakers! More wine was spilled +under his table than another has in his wine cellar. His life was like a +pipe dream, not like an ordinary mortal's. When his affairs commenced to +go wrong, and he was afraid his creditors would guess that he was +bankrupt, he advertised an auction and this was his placard: + +<center> +<p> JULIUS PROCULUS WILL SELL AT +<p> AUCTION HIS SUPERFLUOUS +<p> FURNITURE" +</center> + + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE THIRTY-NINTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Trimalchio broke in upon this entertaining gossip, for the course had +been removed and the guests, happy with wine, had started a general +conversation: lying back upon his couch, "You ought to make this wine go +down pleasantly," he said, "the fish must have something to swim in. But +I say, you didn't think I'd be satisfied with any such dinner as you saw +on the top of that tray? 'Is Ulysses no better known?' Well, well, we +shouldn't forget our culture, even at dinner. May the bones of my patron +rest in peace, he wanted me to become a man among men. No one can show +me anything new, and that little tray has proved it. This heaven where +the gods live, turns into as many different signs, and sometimes into the +Ram: therefore, whoever is born under that sign will own many flocks and +much wool, a hard head, a shameless brow, and a sharp horn. A great many +school-teachers and rambunctious butters-in are born under that sign." +We applauded the wonderful penetration of our astrologer and he ran on, +"Then the whole heaven turns into a bull-calf and the kickers and +herdsmen and those who see to it that their own bellies are full, come +into the world. Teams of horses and oxen are born under the Twins, and +well-hung wenchers and those who bedung both sides of the wall. I was +born under the Crab and therefore stand on many legs and own much +property on land and sea, for the crab is as much at home on one as he is +in the other. For that reason, I put nothing on that sign for fear of +weighing down my own destiny. Bulldozers and gluttons are born under the +Lion, and women and fugitives and chain-gangs are born under the Virgin. +Butchers and perfumers are born under the Balance, and all who think that +it is their business to straighten things out. Poisoners and assassins +are born under the Scorpion. Cross-eyed people who look at the +vegetables and sneak away with the bacon, are born under the Archer. +Horny-handed sons of toil are born under Capricorn. Bartenders and +pumpkin-heads are born under the Water-Carrier. Caterers and +rhetoricians are born under the Fishes: and so the world turns round, +just like a mill, and something bad always comes to the top, and men are +either being born or else they're dying. As to the sod and the honeycomb +in the middle, for I never do anything without a reason, Mother Earth is +in the centre, round as an egg, and all that is good is found in her, +just like it is in a honeycomb." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTIETH.</h2> +<br> +<p>"Bravo!" we yelled, and, with hands uplifted to the ceiling, we swore +that such fellows as Hipparchus and Aratus were not to be compared with +him. At length some slaves came in who spread upon the couches some +coverlets upon which were embroidered nets and hunters stalking their +game with boar-spears, and all the paraphernalia of the chase. We knew +not what to look for next, until a hideous uproar commenced, just outside +the dining-room door, and some Spartan hounds commenced to run around the +table all of a sudden. A tray followed them, upon which was served a +wild boar of immense size, wearing a liberty cap upon its head, and from +its tusks hung two little baskets of woven palm fibre, one of which +contained Syrian dates, the other, Theban. Around it hung little +suckling pigs made from pastry, signifying that this was a brood-sow with +her pigs at suck. It turned out that these were souvenirs intended to be +taken home. When it came to carving the boar, our old friend Carver, who +had carved the capons, did not appear, but in his place a great bearded +giant, with bands around his legs, and wearing a short hunting cape in +which a design was woven. Drawing his hunting- knife, lie plunged it +fiercely into the boar's side, and some thrushes flew out of the gash. +fowlers, ready with their rods, caught them in a moment, as they +fluttered around the room and Trimalchio ordered one to each guest, +remarking, "Notice what fine acorns this forest-bred boar fed on," and as +he spoke, some slaves removed the little baskets from the tusks and +divided the Syrian and Theban dates equally among the diners. + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p090"></a><img alt="p090.jpg (36K)" src="p090.jpg" height="943" width="321"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-FIRST.</h2> +<br> +<p>Getting a moment to myself, in the meantime, I began to speculate as to +why the boar had come with a liberty cap upon his head. After exhausting +my invention with a thousand foolish guesses, I made bold to put the +riddle which teased me to my old informant. "Why, sure," he replied, +"even your slave could explain that; there's no riddle, everything's as +plain as day! This boar made his first bow as the last course of +yesterday's dinner and was dismissed by the guests, so today he comes +back as a freedman!" I damned my stupidity and refrained from asking any +more questions for fear I might leave the impression that I had never +dined among decent people before. While we were speaking, a handsome +boy, crowned with vine leaves and ivy, passed grapes around, in a little +basket, and impersonated Bacchus-happy, Bacchus-drunk, and +Bacchus-dreaming, reciting, in the meantime, his master's verses, in a shrill +voice. Trimalchio turned to him and said, "Dionisus, be thou Liber," +whereupon the boy immediately snatched the cap from the boar's head, and +put it upon his own. At that Trimalchio added, "You can't deny that my +father's middle name was Liber!" We applauded Trimalchio's conceit +heartily, and kissed the boy as he went around. Trimalchio retired to +the close-stool, after this course, and we, having freedom of action with +the tyrant away, began to draw the other guests out. After calling for a +bowl of wine, Dama spoke up, "A day's nothing at all: it's night before +you can turn around, so you can't do better than to go right to the +dining-room from your bed. It's been so cold that I can hardly get warm +in a bath, but a hot drink's as good as an overcoat: I've had some long +pegs, and between you and me, I'm a bit groggy; the booze has gone to my +head." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-SECOND.</h2> +<br> +<p>Here Seleucus took up the tale. "I don't bathe every day," he confided, +"a bath uses you up like a fuller: water's got teeth and your strength +wastes away a little every day; but when I've downed a pot of mead, I +tell the cold to suck my cock! I couldn't bathe today anyway, because I +was at a funeral; dandy fellow, he was too, good old Chrysanthus slipped +his wind! Why, only the other day he said good morning' to me, and I +almost think I'm talking to him now! Gawd's truth, we're only blown-up +bladders strutting around, we're less than flies, for they have some good +in them, but we're only bubbles. And supposing he had not kept to such a +low diet! Why, not a drop of water or a crumb of bread so much as passed +his lips for five days; and yet he joined the majority! Too many doctors +did away with him, or rather, his time had come, for a doctor's not good +for anything except for a consolation to your mind! He was well carried +out, anyhow, in the very bed he slept in during his lifetime. And he was +covered with a splendid pall: the mourning was tastefully managed; he had +freed some slaves; even though his wife was sparing with her tears: and +what if he hadn't treated her so well! But when you come to women, women +all belong to the kite species: no one ought to waste a good turn upon +one of them; it's just like throwing it down a well! An old love's like +a cancer!" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-THIRD.</h2> +<br> +<p>He was becoming very tiresome, and Phileros cried out, "Let's think about +the living! He has what was coming to him, he lived respectably, and +respectably he died. What's he got to kick about'? He made his pile +from an as, and would pick a quadrans out of a dunghill with his teeth, +any old time. And he grew richer and richer, of course: just like a +honeycomb. I expect that he left all of a hundred thousand, by Hercules, +I do! All in cold cash, too; but I've eaten dog's tongue and must speak +the truth: he was foul-mouthed, had a ready tongue, he was a trouble +maker and no man. Now his brother was a good fellow, a friend to his +friend, free-handed, and he kept a liberal table. He picked a loser at +the start, but his first vintage set him upon his legs, for he sold his +wine at the figure he demanded, and, what made him hold his head higher +still, he came into a legacy from which he stole more than had been left +to him. Then that fool friend of yours, in a fit of anger at his +brother, willed his property away to some son-of-a-bitch or other, who +he was, I don't know, but when a man runs away from his own kin, he has +a long way to go! And what's more, he had some slaves who were +ear-specialists at the keyhole, and they did him a lot of harm, for a man +won't prosper when he believes, on the spot, every tale that he hears; a +man in business, especially. Still, he had a good time as long as he +lived: for happy's the fellow who gets the gift, not the one it was meant +for. He sure was Fortune's son! Lead turned to gold in his hands. It's +easy enough when everything squares up and runs on schedule. How old +would you think he was? Seventy and over, but he was as tough as horn, +carried his age well, and was as black as a crow. I knew the fellow for +years and years, and he was a lecher to the very last. I don't believe +that even the dog in his house escaped his attentions, by Hercules, I +don't; and what a boy-lover he was! Saw a virgin in every one he met! +Not that I blame him though, for it's all he could take with him." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-FOURTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Phileros had his say and Ganymedes exclaimed, "You gabble away about +things that don't concern heaven or earth: and none of you cares how the +price of grain pinches. I couldn't even get a mouthful of bread today, +by Hercules, I couldn't. How the drought does hang on! We've had famine +for a year. If the damned AEdiles would only get what's coming to them. +They graft with the bakers, scratch-my-arse-and-I'll-scratch-yours! +That's the way it always is, the poor devils are out of luck, but the +jaws of the capitalists are always keeping the Saturnalia. If only we +had such lion-hearted sports as we had when I first came from Asia! That +was the life! If the flour was not the very best, they would beat up +those belly-robbing grafters till they looked like Jupiter had been at +them. How well I remember Safinius; he lived near the old arch, when I +was a boy. For a man, he was one hot proposition! Wherever he went, the +ground smoked! But he was square, dependable, a friend to a friend, you +could safely play mora with him, in the dark. But how he did peel them +in the town hall: he spoke no parables, not he! He did everything +straight from the shoulder and his voice roared like a trumpet in the +forum. He never sweat nor spat. I don't know, but I think he had a +strain of the Asiatic in him. And how civil and friendly-like he was, +in returning everyone's greeting; called us all by name, just like he was +one of us! And so provisions were cheap as dirt in those days. The loaf +you got for an as, you couldn't eat, not even if someone helped you, but +you see them no bigger than a bull's eye now, and the hell of it is that +things are getting worse every day; this colony grows backwards like a +calf's tall! Why do we have to put up with an AEdile here, who's not +worth three Caunian figs and who thinks more of an as than of our lives? +He has a good time at home, and his daily income's more than another +man's fortune. I happen to know where he got a thousand gold pieces. +If we had any nuts, he'd not be so damned well pleased with himself! +Nowadays, men are lions at home and foxes abroad. What gets me is, that +I've already eaten my old clothes, and if this high cost of living keeps +on, I'll have to sell my cottages! What's going to happen to this town, +if neither gods nor men take pity on it? May I never have any luck if I +don't believe all this comes from the gods! For no one believes that +heaven is heaven, no one keeps a fast, no one cares a hang about Jupiter: +they all shut their eyes and count up their own profits. In the old +days, the married women, in their stolas, climbed the hill in their bare +feet, pure in heart, and with their hair unbound, and prayed to Jupiter +for rain! And it would pour down in bucketfuls then or never, and they'd +all come home, wet as drowned rats. But the gods all have the gout now, +because we are not religious; and so our fields are burning up!" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-FIFTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>"Don't be so down in the mouth," chimed in Echion, the ragman; "if it +wasn't that it'd be something else, as the farmer said, when he lost his +spotted pig. If a thing don't happen today, it may tomorrow. That's the +way life jogs along. You couldn't name a better country, by Hercules, +you couldn't, if only the men had any brains. She's in hot water right +now, but she ain't the only one. We oughtn't to be so particular; +heaven's as far away everywhere else. If you were somewhere else, you'd +swear that pigs walked around here already roasted. Think of what's +coming! We'll soon have a fine gladiator show to last for three days, no +training-school pupils; most of them will be freedmen. Our Titus has a +hot head and plenty of guts and it will go to a finish. I'm well +acquainted with him, and he'll not stand for any frame-ups. It will be +cold steel in the best style, no running away, the shambles will be in +the middle of the amphitheatre where all the crowd can see. And what's +more, he has the coin, for he came into thirty million when his father +had the bad luck to die. He could blow in four hundred thousand and his +fortune never feel it, but his name would live forever. He has some +dwarfs already, and a woman to fight from a chariot. Then, there's +Glyco's steward; he was caught screwing Glyco's wife. You'll see some +battle between jealous husbands and favored lovers. Anyhow, that cheap +screw of a Glyco condemned his steward to the beasts and only published +his own shame. How could the slave go wrong when he only obeyed orders? +It would have been better if that she-piss- pot, for that's all she's fit +for, had been tossed by the bull, but a fellow has to beat the saddle +when he can't beat the jackass. How could Glyco ever imagine that a +sprig of Hermogenes' planting could turn out well? Why, Hermogenes could +trim the claws of a flying hawk, and no snake ever hatched out a rope +yet! And look at Glyco! He's smoked himself out in fine shape, and as +long as he lives, he'll carry that stain! No one but the devil himself +can wipe that out, but chickens always come home to roost. My nose tells +me that Mammaea will set out a spread: two bits apiece for me and mine! +And he'll nick Norbanus out of his political pull if he does; you all +know that it's to his interest to hump himself to get the best of him. +And honestly, what did that fellow ever do for us? He exhibited some two +cent gladiators that were so near dead they'd have fallen flat if you +blew your breath at them. I've seen better thugs sent against wild +beasts! And the cavalry he killed looked about as much like the real +thing as the horsemen on the lamps; you would have taken them for +dunghill cocks! One plug had about as much action as a jackass with a +pack-saddle; another was club-footed; and a third who had to take the +place of one that was killed, was as good as dead, and hamstrung into the +bargain. There was only one that had any pep, and he was a Thracian, but +he only fought when we egged him on. The whole crowd was flogged +afterwards. How the mob did yell 'Lay it on!' They were nothing but +runaways. And at that he had the nerve to say, 'I've given you a show.' +'And I've applauded,' I answered; 'count it up and you'll find that I +gave more than I got! One hand washes the other.'" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-SIXTH</h2> +<br> +<p>"Agamemnon, your looks seem to say, What's this boresome nut trying to +hand us?' Well, I'm talking because you, who can talk book-foolishness, +won't. You don't belong to our bunch, so you laugh in your sleeve at the +way us poor people talk, but we know that you're only a fool with a lot +of learning. Well, what of it? Some day I'll get you to come to my +country place and take a look at my little estate. We'll have fresh eggs +and spring chicken to chew on when we get there; it will be all right +even if the weather has kept things back this year. We'll find enough to +satisfy us, and my kid will soon grow up to be a pupil of yours; he can +divide up to four, now, and you'll have a little servant at your side, if +he lives. When he has a minute to himself, he never takes his eyes from +his tablets; he's smart too, and has the right kind of stuff in him, even +if he is crazy about birds. I've had to kill three of his linnets +already. I told him that a weasel had gotten them, but he's found +another hobby, now he paints all the time. He's left the marks of his +heels on his Greek already, and is doing pretty well with his Latin, +although his master's too easy with him; won't make him stick to one +thing. He comes to me to get me to give him something to write when his +master don't want to work. Then there's another tutor, too, no scholar, +but very painstaking, though; he can teach you more than he knows +himself. He comes to the house on holidays and is always satisfied with +whatever you pay him. Some little time ago, I bought the kid some law +books; I want him to have a smattering of the law for home use. There's +bread in that! As for literature, he's got enough of that in him +already; if he begins to kick, I've concluded that I'll make him learn +some trade; the barber's, say, or the auctioneer's, or even the lawyer's. +That's one thing no one but the devil can do him out of! 'Believe what +your daddy says, Primigenius,' I din into his ears every day, 'whenever +you learn a thing, it's yours. Look at Phileros the attorney; he'd not +be keeping the wolf from the door now if he hadn't studied. It's not +long since he had to carry his wares on his back and peddle them, but he +can put up a front with Norbanus himself now! Learning's a fine thing, +and a trade won't starve.'" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-SEVENTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Twaddle of this sort was being bandied about when Trimalchio came in; +mopping his forehead and washing his hands in perfume, he said, after a +short pause, "Pardon me, gentlemen, but my stomach's been on strike for +the past few days and the doctors disagreed about the cause. But +pomegranate rind and pitch steeped in vinegar have helped me, and I hope +that my belly will get on its good behavior, for sometimes there's such a +rumbling in my guts that you'd think a bellowing bull was in there. So +if anyone wants to do his business, there's no call to be bashful about +it. None of us was born solid! I don't know of any worse torment than +having to hold it in, it's the one thing Jupiter himself can't hold in. +So you're laughing, are you, Fortunata? Why, you're always keeping me +awake at night yourself. I never objected yet to anyone in my +dining-room relieving himself when he wanted to, and the doctors forbid +our holding it in. Everything's ready outside, if the call's more +serious, water, close-stool, and anything else you'll need. Believe me, +when this rising vapor gets to the brain, it puts the whole body on the +burn. Many a one I've known to kick in just because he wouldn't own up +to the truth." We thanked him for his kindness and consideration, and +hid our laughter by drinking more and oftener. We had not realized that, +as yet, we were only in the middle of the entertainment, with a hill +still ahead, as the saying goes. The tables were cleared off to the beat +of music, and three white hogs, muzzled, and wearing bells, were brought +into the dining-room. The announcer informed us that one was a +two-year-old, another three, and the third just turned six. I had an +idea that some rope-dancers had come in and that the hogs would perform +tricks, just as they do for the crowd on the streets, but Trimalchio +dispelled this illusion by asking, "Which one will you have served up +immediately, for dinner? Any country cook can manage a dunghill cock, a +pentheus hash, or little things like that, but my cooks are well used to +serving up calves boiled whole, in their cauldrons!" Then he ordered a +cook to be called in at once, and without awaiting our pleasure, he +directed that the oldest be butchered, and demanded in a loud voice, +"What division do you belong too?" When the fellow made answer that he +was from the fortieth, "Were you bought, or born upon my estates?" +Trimalchio continued. "Neither," replied the cook, "I was left to you by +Pansa's will." "See to it that this is properly done," Trimalchio +warned, "or I'll have you transferred to the division of messengers!" +and the cook, bearing his master's warning in mind, departed for the +kitchen with the next course in tow. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-EIGHTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Trimalchio's threatening face relaxed and he turned to us, "If the wine +don't please you," he said, "I'll change it; you ought to do justice to +it by drinking it. I don't have to buy it, thanks to the gods. +Everything here that makes your mouths water, was produced on one of my +country places which I've never yet seen, but they tell me it's down +Terracina and Tarentum way. I've got a notion to add Sicily to my other +little holdings, so in case I want to go to Africa, I'll be able to sail +along my own coasts. But tell me the subject of your speech today, +Agamemnon, for, though I don't plead cases myself, I studied literature +for home use, and for fear you should think I don't care about learning, +let me inform you that I have three libraries, one Greek and the others +Latin. Give me the outline of your speech if you like me." + +<p>"A poor man and a rich man were enemies," Agamemmon began, when: "What's +a poor man?" Trimalchio broke in. "Well put," Agamemnon conceded and +went into details upon some problem or other, what it was I do not know. +Trimalchio instantly rendered the following verdict, "If that's the case, +there's nothing to dispute about; if it's not the case, it don't amount +to anything anyhow." These flashes of wit, and others equally +scintillating, we loudly applauded, and he went on: "Tell me, my dearest +Agamemnon, do you remember the twelve labors of Hercules or the story of +Ulysses, how the Cyclops threw his thumb out of joint with a pig-headed +crowbar? When I was a boy, I used to read those stories in Homer. And +then, there's the Sibyl: with my own eyes I saw her, at Cumae, hanging up +in a jar; and whenever the boys would say to her 'Sibyl, Sibyl, what +would you?' she would answer, 'I would die.'" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FORTY-NINTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Before he had run out of wind, a tray upon which was an enormous hog was +placed upon the table, almost filling it up. We began to wonder at the +dispatch with which it had been prepared and swore that no cock could +have been served up in so short a time; moreover, this hog seemed to us +far bigger than the boar had been. Trimalchio scrutinized it closely and +"What the hell," he suddenly bawled out, "this hog hain't been gutted, +has it? No, it hain't, by Hercules, it hain't! Call that cook! Call +that cook in here immediately!" When the crestfallen cook stood at the +table and owned up that he had forgotten to bowel him, "So you forgot, +did you?" Trimalchio shouted, "You'd think he'd only left out a bit of +pepper and cummin, wouldn't you? Off with his clothes!" The cook was +stripped without delay, and stood with hanging head, between two +torturers. We all began to make excuses for him at this, saying, "Little +things like that are bound to happen once in a while, let us prevail upon +you to let him off; if he ever does such a thing again, not a one of us +will have a word to say in his behalf." But for my part, I was +mercilessly angry and could not help leaning over towards Agamemnon and +whispering in his ear, "It is easily seen that this fellow is criminally +careless, is it not? How could anyone forget to draw a hog? If he had +served me a fish in that fashion I wouldn't overlook it, by Hercules, I +wouldn't." But that was not Trimalchio's way: his face relaxed into good +humor and he said, "Since your memory's so short, you can gut him right +here before our eyes!" The cook put on his tunic, snatched up a carving +knife, with a trembling hand, and slashed the hog's belly in several +places. Sausages and meat- puddings, widening the apertures, by their +own weight, immediately tumbled out. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTIETH.</h2> +<br> +<p>The whole household burst into unanimous applause at this; "Hurrah for +Gaius," they shouted. As for the cook, he was given a drink and a silver +crown and a cup on a salver of Corinthian bronze. Seeing that Agamemnon +was eyeing the platter closely, Trimalchio remarked, "I'm the only one +that can show the real Corinthian!" I thought that, in his usual +purse-proud manner, he was going to boast that his bronzes were all +imported from Corinth, but he did even better by saying, "Wouldn't you +like to know how it is that I'm the only one that can show the real +Corinthian? Well, it's because the bronze worker I patronize is named +Corinthus, and what's Corinthian unless it's what a Corinthus makes? +And, so you won't think I'm a blockhead, I'm going to show you that I'm +well acquainted with how Corinthian first came into the world. When Troy +was taken, Hannibal, who was a very foxy fellow and a great rascal into +the bargain, piled all the gold and silver and bronze statues in one pile +and set 'em afire, melting these different metals into one: then the +metal workers took their pick and made bowls and dessert dishes and +statuettes as well. That's how Corinthian was born; neither one nor the +other, but an amalgam of all. But I prefer glass, if you don't mind my +saying so; it don't stink, and if it didn't break, I'd rather have it +than gold, but it's cheap and common now." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-FIRST. </h2> +<br> +<p>"But there was an artisan, once upon a time, who made a glass vial that +couldn't be broken. On that account he was admitted to Caesar with his +gift; then he dashed it upon the floor, when Caesar handed it back to +him. The Emperor was greatly startled, but the artisan picked the vial +up off the pavement, and it was dented, just like a brass bowl would have +been! He took a little hammer out of his tunic and beat out the dent +without any trouble. When he had done that, he thought he would soon be +in Jupiter's heaven, and more especially when Caesar said to him, 'Is +there anyone else who knows how to make this malleable glass? Think +now!' And when he denied that anyone else knew the secret, Caesar +ordered his head chopped off, because if this should get out, we would +think no more of gold than we would of dirt." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-SECOND.</h2> +<br> +<p>"And when it comes to silver, I'm a connoisseur; I have goblets as big as +wine-jars, a hundred of 'em more or less, with engraving that shows how +Cassandra killed her sons, and the dead boys are lying so naturally that +you'd think 'em alive. I own a thousand bowls which Mummius left to my +patron, where Daedalus is shown shutting Niobe up in the Trojan horse, +and I also have cups engraved with the gladiatorial contests of Hermeros +and Petraites: they're all heavy, too. I wouldn't sell my taste in these +matters for any money!" A slave dropped a cup while he was running on in +this fashion. Glaring at him, Trimalchio said, "Go hang yourself, since +you're so careless." The boy's lip quivered and he immediately commenced +to beg for mercy. "Why do you pray to me?" Trimalchio demanded, at +this: "I don't intend to be harsh with you, I'm only warning you against +being so awkward." Finally, however, we got him to give the boy a pardon +and no sooner had this been done than the slave started running around +the room crying, "Out with the water and in with the wine!" We all paid +tribute to this joke, but Agamemnon in particular, for he well knew what +strings to pull in order to secure another invitation to dinner. Tickled +by our flattery, and mellowed by the wine, Trimalchio was just about +drunk. "Why hasn't one of you asked my Fortunata to dance?" he +demanded, "There's no one can do a better cancan, believe me," and he +himself raised his arms above his head and favored us with an +impersonation of Syrus the actor; the whole household chanting: + +<center> +<p> Oh bravo +<p> Oh bravissimo +</center> + +<p>in chorus, and he would have danced out into the middle of the room +before us all, had not Fortunata whispered in his ear, telling him, +I suppose, that such low buffoonery was not in keeping with his dignity. +But nothing could be so changeable as his humor, for one minute he stood +in awe of Fortunata, but his natural propensities would break out the +next. + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p116"></a><img alt="p116.jpg (86K)" src="p116.jpg" height="841" width="561"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-THIRD.</h2> +<br> +<p>But his passion for dancing was interrupted at this stage by a +stenographer who read aloud, as if he were reading the public records, +"On the seventh of the Kalends of July, on Trimalchio's estates near +Cumae, were born thirty boys and forty girls: five hundred pecks of wheat +were taken from the threshing floors and stored in the granaries: five +hundred oxen were put to yoke: the slave Mithridates was crucified on the +same date for cursing the genius of our master, Gaius: on said date ten +million sesterces were returned to the vaults as no sound investment +could be found: on said date, a fire broke out in the gardens at Pompeii, +said fire originating in the house of Nasta, the bailiff." "What's +that?" demanded Trimalchio. "When were the gardens at Pompeii bought for +me?" "Why, last year," answered the stenographer, "for that reason the +item has not appeared in the accounts." Trimalchio flew into a rage at +this. "If I'm not told within six months of any real estate that's +bought for me," he shouted, "I forbid it's being carried to my account at +all!" Next, the edicts of his aediles were read aloud, and the wills of +some of his foresters in which Trimalchio was disinherited by a codicil, +then the names of his bailiffs, and that of a freedwoman who had been +repudiated by a night watchman, after she had been caught in bed with a +bath attendant, that of a porter banished to Baioe, a steward who was +standing trial, and lastly the report of a decision rendered in the +matter of a lawsuit, between some valets. When this was over with, some +rope dancers came in and a very boresome fool stood holding a ladder, +ordering his boy to dance from rung to rung, and finally at the top, all +this to the music of popular airs; then the boy was compelled to jump +through blazing hoops while grasping a huge wine jar with his teeth. +Trimalchio was the only one who was much impressed by these tricks, +remarking that it was a thankless calling and adding that in all the +world there were just two things which could give him acute pleasure, +rope-dancers and horn blowers; all other entertainments were nothing +but nonsense. "I bought a company of comedians," he went on, "but I +preferred for them to put on Atellane farces, and I ordered my +flute-player to play Latin airs only." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-FOURTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>While our noble Gaius was still talking away, the boy slipped and fell, +alighting upon Trimalchio's arm. The whole household cried out, as did +also the guests, not that they bore such a coarse fellow any good will, +as they would gladly have seen his neck broken, but because such an +unlucky ending to the dinner might make it necessary for them to go into +mourning over a total stranger. As for Trimalchio, he groaned heavily +and bent over his arm as though it had been injured: doctors flocked +around him, and Fortunata was among the very first, her hair was +streaming and she held a cup in her hand and screamed out her grief and +unhappiness. As for the boy who had fallen, he was crawling at our feet, +imploring pardon. I was uneasy for fear his prayers would lead up to +some ridiculous theatrical climax, for I had not yet been able to forget +that cook who had forgotten to bowel that hog, and so, for this reason, I +began to scan the whole dining-room very closely, to see if an automaton +would come out through the wall; and all the more so as a slave was +beaten for having bound up his master's bruised arm in white wool instead +of purple. Nor was my suspicion unjustified, for in place of punishment, +Trimalchio ordered that the boy be freed, so that no one could say that +so exalted a personage had been injured by a slave. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-FIFTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>We applauded his action and engaged in a discussion upon the instability +of human affairs, which many took sides. "A good reason," declared +Trimalchio, "why such an occasion shouldn't slip by without an epigram." +He called for his tablets at once, and after racking his brains for a +little while, he got off the following: + +<center> +<p> The unexpected will turn up; +<p> Our whole lives Fortune bungles up. +<p> Falernian, boy, hand round the cup. +</center> + +<p>This epigram led up to a discussion of the poets, and for a long time, +the greatest praise was bestowed upon Mopsus the Thracian, until +Trimalchio broke in with: "Professor, I wish you'd tell me how you'd +compare Cicero and Publilius. I'm of the opinion that the first was the +more eloquent, but that the last moralizes more beautifully, for what can +excel these lines? + +<blockquote><blockquote> +<p> Insatiable luxury crumbles the walls of war; +<p> To satiate gluttony, peacocks in coops are brought +<p> Arrayed in gold plumage like Babylon tapestry rich. +<p> Numidian guinea-fowls, capons, all perish for thee: +<p> And even the wandering stork, welcome guest that he is, +<p> The emblem of sacred maternity, slender of leg +<p> And gloctoring exile from winter, herald of spring, +<p> Still, finds his last nest in the--cauldron of gluttony base. +<p> India surrenders her pearls; and what mean they to thee? +<p> That thy wife decked with sea-spoils adorning her breast and her head +<p> On the couch of a stranger lies lifting adulterous legs? +<p> The emerald green, the glass bauble, what mean they to thee? +<p> Or the fire of the ruby? Except that pure chastity shine +<p> From the depth of the jewels: in garments of woven wind clad +<p> Our brides might as well take their stand, their game naked to stalk, +<p> As seek it in gossamer tissue transparent as air." +</blockquote></blockquote> + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-SIXTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>"What should we say was the hardest calling, after literature?" he asked. +"That of the doctor or that of the money-changer, I would say: the +doctor, because he has to know what poor devils have got in their +insides, and when the fever's due: but I hate them like the devil, for my +part, because they're always ordering me on a diet of duck soup: and the +money-changer's, because he's got to be able to see the silver through +the copper plating. When we come to the dumb beasts, the oxen and sheep +are the hardest worked, the oxen, thanks to whose labor we have bread to +chew on, the sheep, because their wool tricks us out so fine. It's the +greatest outrage under the sun for people to eat mutton and then wear a +tunic. Then there's the bee: in my opinion, they're divine insects +because they puke honey, though there are folks that claim that they +bring it from Jupiter, and that's the reason they sting, too, for +wherever you find a sweet, you'll find a bitter too." He was just putting +the philosophers out of business when lottery tickets were passed around +in a cup. A slave boy assigned to that duty read aloud the names of the +souvenirs: "Silver s--ham," a ham was brought in with some silver vinegar +cruets on top of it; "cervical"--something soft for the neck--a piece of +the cervix--neck--of a sheep was brought in; "serisapia"--after wit--"and +contumelia"--insult--we were given must wafers and an apple-melon--and a +phallus--contus--; "porri"--leeks--"and persica," he picked up a whip and +a knife; "passeres"--sparrows" and a fly--trap," the answer was +raisins--uva passa--and Attic honey; "cenatoria"--a dinner toga--"and +forensia"--business dress--he handed out a piece of meat--suggestive of +dinner--and a note-book--suggestive of business--; "canale"--chased by a +dog--"and pedale"--pertaining to the foot--, a hare and a slipper were +brought out; "lamphrey"--murena--"and a letter," he held up a +mouse--mus--and a frog--rana--tied together, and a bundle of +beet--beta--the Greek letter beta--. We laughed long and loud, there +were a thousand of these jokes, more or less, which have now escaped my +memory. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-SEVENTH. +</h2><br> +<p>But Ascyltos threw off all restraint and ridiculed everything; throwing +up his hands, he laughed until the tears ran down his cheeks. At last, +one of Trimalchio's fellow-freedmen, the one who had the place next to +me, flew into a rage, "What's the joke, sheep's-head," he bawled, "Don't +our host's swell entertainment suit you? You're richer than he is, I +suppose, and used to dining better! As I hope the guardian spirit of +this house will be on my side, I'd have stopped his bleating long ago if +I'd been sitting next to him. He's a peach, he is, laughing at others; +some vagabond or other from who-knows-where, some night-pad who's not +worth his own piss: just let me piss a ring around him and he wouldn't +know where to run to! I ain't easy riled, no, by Hercules, I ain't, but +worms breed in tender flesh. Look at him laugh! What the hell's he got +to laugh at? Is his family so damned fine-haired? So you're a Roman +knight! Well, I'm a king's son! How's it come that you've been a slave, +you'll ask because I put myself into service because I'd rather be a +Roman citizen than a tax-paying provincial. And now I hope that my life +will be such that no one can jeer at me. I'm a man among men! I take my +stroll bareheaded and owe no man a copper cent. I never had a summons in +my life and no one ever said to me, in the forum, pay me what you owe me. +I've bought a few acres and saved up a few dollars and I feed twenty +bellies and a dog. I ransomed my bedfellow so no one could wipe his +hands on her bosom; a thousand dinars it cost me, too. I was chosen +priest of Augustus without paying the fee, and I hope that I won't need +to blush in my grave after I'm dead. But you're so busy that you can't +look behind you; you can spot a louse on someone else, all right, but you +can't see the tick on yourself. You're the only one that thinks we're so +funny; look at your professor, he's older than you are, and we're good +enough for him, but you're only a brat with the milk still in your nose +and all you can prattle is 'ma' or 'mu,' you're only a clay pot, a piece +of leather soaked in water, softer and slipperier, but none the better +for that. You've got more coin than we have, have you? Then eat two +breakfasts and two dinners a day. I'd rather have my reputation than +riches, for my part, and before I make an end of this--who ever dunned me +twice? In all the forty years I was in service, no one could tell +whether I was free or a slave. I was only a long-haired boy when I came +to this colony and the town house was not built then. I did my best to +please my master and he was a digniferous and majestical gentleman whose +nail-parings were worth more than your whole carcass. I had enemies in +his house, too, who would have been glad to trip me up, but I swam the +flood, thanks to his kindness. Those are the things that try your +mettle, for it's as easy to be born a gentleman as to say, 'Come here.' +Well, what are you gaping at now, like a billy-goat in a vetch-field?" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-EIGHTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Giton, who had been standing at my feet, and who had for some time been +holding in his laughter, burst into an uproarious guffaw, at this last +figure of speech, and when Ascyltos' adversary heard it, he turned his +abuse upon the boy. "What's so funny, you curly-headed onion," he +bellowed, "are the Saturnalia here, I'd like to know? Is it December +now? + +<p>"When did you pay your twentieth? What's this to you, you gallows-bird, +you crow's meat? I'll call the anger of Jupiter down on you and that +master of yours, who don't keep you in better order. If I didn't respect +my fellow-freedmen, I'd give you what is coming to you right here on the +spot, as I hope to get my belly full of bread, I would. We'll get along +well enough, but those that can't control you are fools; like master like +man's a true saying. I can hardly hold myself in and I'm not hot-headed +by nature, but once let me get a start and I don't care two cents for my +own mother. All right, I'll catch you in the street, you rat, you +toadstool. May I never grow an inch up or down if I don't push your +master into a dunghill, and I'll give you the same medicine, I will, by +Hercules, I will, no matter if you call down Olympian Jupiter himself! +I'll take care of your eight inch ringlets and your two cent master into +the bargain. I'll have my teeth into you, either you'll cut out the +laughing, or I don't know myself. Yes, even if you had a golden beard. +I'll bring the wrath of Minerva down on you and on the fellow that first +made a come-here out of you. No, I never learned geometry or criticism +or other foolishness like that, but I know my capital letters and I can +divide any figure by a hundred, be it in asses, pounds or sesterces. +Let's have a show-down, you and I will make a little bet, here's my coin; +you'll soon find out that your father's money was wasted on your +education, even if you do know a little rhetoric. How's this--what part +of us am I? I come far, I come wide, now guess me! I'll give you +another. What part of us runs but never moves from its place? What part +of us grows but always grows less? But you scurry around and are as +flustered and fidgeted as a mouse in a piss-pot. Shut up and don't annoy +your betters, who don't even know that you've been born. Don't think +that I'm impressed by those boxwood armlets that you did your mistress +out of. Occupo will back me! Let's go into the forum and borrow money, +then you'll see whether this iron ring means credit! Bah! A draggled +fox is a fine sight, ain't it'? I hope I never get rich and die decently +so that the people will swear by my death, if I don't hound you +everywhere with my toga turned inside out. And the fellow that taught +you such manners did a good job too, a chattering ape, all right, no +schoolmaster. We were better taught. 'Is everything in its place?' the +master would ask; go straight home and don't stop and stare at everything +and don't be impudent to your elders. Don't loiter along looking in at +the shops. No second raters came out of that school. I'm what you see +me and I thank the gods it's all due to my own cleverness." + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p130"></a><img alt="p130.jpg (57K)" src="p130.jpg" height="701" width="597"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE FIFTY-NINTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Ascyltos was just starting in to answer this indictment when Trimalchio, +who was delighted with his fellow-freedman's tirade, broke in, "Cut out +the bickering and let's have things pleasant here. Let up on the young +fellow, Hermeros, he's hot-blooded, so you ought to be more reasonable. +The loser's always the winner in arguments of this kind. And as for you, +even when you were a young punk you used to go 'Co-co co-co,' like a hen +after a rooster, but you had no pep. Let's get to better business and +start the fun all over again and watch the Homerists." A troupe filed +in, immediately, and clashed spears against shields. Trimalchio sat +himself up on his cushion and intoned in Latin, from a book, while the +actors, in accordance with their conceited custom, recited their parts in +the Greek language. There came a pause, presently, and "You don't any of +you know the plot of the skit they're putting on, do you?" he asked, +"Diomedes and Ganymede were two brothers, and Helen was their sister; +Agamemnon ran away with her and palmed off a doe on Diana, in her place, +so Homer tells how the Trojans and Parentines fought among themselves. +Of course Agamemnon was victorious, and gave his daughter Iphigenia, to +Achilles, for a wife: This caused Ajax to go mad, and he'll soon make the +whole thing plain to you." The Homerists raised a shout, as soon as +Trimalchio had done speaking, and, as the whole familia stepped back, a +boiled calf with a helmet on its head was brought in on an enormous +platter. Ajax followed and rushed upon it with drawn sword, as if he +were insane, he made passes with the flat, and again with the edge, and +then, collecting the slices, he skewered them, and, much to our +astonishment, presented them to us on the point of his sword. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTIETH.</h2> +<br> +<p>But we were not given long in which to admire the elegance of such +service, for all of a sudden the ceiling commenced to creak and then the +whole dining-room shook. I leaped to my feet in consternation, for fear +some rope-walker would fall down, and the rest of the company raised +their faces, wondering as much as I what new prodigy was to be announced +from on high. Then lo and behold! the ceiling panels parted and an +enormous hoop, which appeared to have been knocked off a huge cask, was +lowered from the dome above; its perimeter was hung with golden chaplets +and jars of alabaster filled with perfume. We were asked to accept these +articles as souvenirs. When my glance returned to the table, I noticed +that a dish containing cakes had been placed upon it, and in the middle +an image of Priapus, made by the baker, and he held apples of all +varieties and bunches of grapes against his breast, in the conventional +manner. We applied ourselves wholeheartedly to this dessert and our +joviality was suddenly revived by a fresh diversion, for, at the +slightest pressure, all the cakes and fruits would squirt a saffron sauce +upon us, and even spurted unpleasantly into our faces. Being convinced +that these perfumed dainties had some religious significance, we arose in +a body and shouted, "Hurrah for the Emperor, the father of his country!" +However, as we perceived that even after this act of veneration, the +others continued helping themselves, we filled our napkins with the +apples. I was especially keen on this, for I thought I could never put +enough good things into Giton's lap. Three slaves entered, in the +meantime, dressed in white tunics well tucked up, and two of them placed +Lares with amulets hanging from their necks, upon the table, while the +third carried round a bowl of wine and cried, "May the gods be +propitious!" One was called Cerdo--business--, Trimalchio informed us, +the other Lucrio--luck--and the third Felicio--profit--and, when all the +rest had kissed a true likeness of Trimalchio, we were ashamed to pass it +by. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-FIRST.</h2> +<br> +<p>After they had all wished each other sound minds and good health, +"Trimalchio turned to Niceros. "You used to be better company at +dinner," he remarked, "and I don't know why you should be dumb today, +with never a word to say. If you wish to make me happy, tell about that +experience you had, I beg of you." Delighted at the affability of his +friend, "I hope I lose all my luck if I'm not tickled to death at the +humor I see you in," Niceros replied. "All right, let's go the limit for +a good time, though I'm afraid these scholars'll laugh at me, but I'll +tell my tale and they can go as far as they like. What t'hell do I care +who laughs? It's better to be laughed at than laughed down." These +words spake the hero, and began the following tale: "We lived in a narrow +street in the house Gavilla now owns, when I was a slave. There, by the +will of the gods, I fell in love with the wife of Terentius, the +innkeeper; you knew Melissa of Tarentum, that pretty round-checked little +wench. It was no carnal passion, so hear me, Hercules, it wasn't; I was +not in love with her physical charms. No, it was because she was such a +good sport. I never asked her for a thing and had her deny me; if she +had an as, I had half. I trusted her with everything I had and never was +done out of anything. Her husband up and died on the place, one day, so +I tried every way I could to get to her, for you know friends ought to +show up when anyone's in a pinch. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-SECOND.</h2> +<br> +<p>"It so happened that our master had gone to Capua to attend to some odds +and ends of business and I seized the opportunity, and persuaded a guest +of the house to accompany me as far as the fifth mile-stone. He was a +soldier, and as brave as the very devil. We set out about cock-crow, the +moon was shining as bright as midday, and came to where the tombstones +are. My man stepped aside amongst them, but I sat down, singing, and +commenced to count them up. When I looked around for my companion, he +had stripped himself and piled his clothes by the side of the road. My +heart was in my mouth, and I sat there while he pissed a ring around them +and was suddenly turned into a wolf! Now don't think I'm joking, I +wouldn't lie for any amount of money, but as I was saying, he commenced +to howl after he was turned into a wolf, and ran away into the forest. +I didn't know where I was for a minute or two, then I went to his +clothes, to pick them up, and damned if they hadn't turned to stone! Was +ever anyone nearer dead from fright than me? Then I whipped out my sword +and cut every shadow along the road to bits, till I came to the house of +my mistress. I looked like a ghost when I went in, and I nearly slipped +my wind. The sweat was pouring down my crotch, my eyes were staring, and +I could hardly be brought around. My Melissa wondered why I was out so +late. "Oh, if you'd only come sooner," she said, "you could have helped +us: a wolf broke into the folds and attacked the sheep, bleeding them +like a butcher. But he didn't get the laugh on me, even if he did get +away, for one of the slaves ran his neck through with a spear!" I +couldn't keep my eyes shut any longer when I heard that, and as soon as +it grew light, I rushed back to our Gaius' house like an innkeeper beaten +out of his bill, and when I came to the place where the clothes had been +turned into stone, there was nothing but a pool of blood! And moreover, +when I got home, my soldier was lying in bed, like an ox, and a doctor +was dressing his neck! I knew then that he was a werewolf, and after +that, I couldn't have eaten a crumb of bread with him, no, not if you had +killed me. Others can think what they please about this, but as for me, +I hope your geniuses will all get after me if I lie." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-THIRD.</h2> +<br> +<p>We were all dumb with astonishment, when "I take your story for granted," +said Trimalchio, "and if you'll believe me, my hair stood on end, and +all the more, because I know that Niceros never talks nonsense: he's +always level-headed, not a bit gossipy. And now I'll tell you a +hair-raiser myself, though I'm like a jackass on a slippery pavement compared +to him. When I was a long-haired boy, for I lived a Chian life from my +youth up, my master's minion died. He was a jewel, so hear me Hercules, +he was, perfect in every facet. While his sorrow-stricken mother was +bewailing his loss, and the rest of us were lamenting with her, the +witches suddenly commenced to screech so loud that you would have thought +a hare was being run down by the hounds! At that time, we had a +Cappadocian slave, tall, very bold, and he had muscle too; he could hold +a mad bull in the air! He wrapped a mantle around his left arm, boldly +rushed out of doors with drawn sword, and ran a woman through the middle +about here, no harm to what I touch. We heard a scream, but as a matter +of fact, for I won't lie to you, we didn't catch sight of the witches +themselves. Our simpleton came back presently, and threw himself upon +the bed. His whole body was black and blue, as if he had been flogged +with whips, and of course the reason of that was she had touched him with +her evil hand! We shut the door and returned to our business, but when +the mother put her arms around the body of her son, it turned out that it +was only a straw bolster, no heart, no guts, nothing! Of course the +witches had swooped down upon the lad and put the straw changeling in his +place! Believe me or not, suit yourselves, but I say that there are +women that know too much, and night-hags, too, and they turn everything +upside down! And as for the long-haired booby, he never got back his own +natural color and he died, raving mad, a few days later." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-FOURTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>Though we wondered greatly, we believed none the less implicitly and, +kissing the table, we besought the night-hags to attend to their own +affairs while we were returning home from dinner. As far as I was +concerned, the lamps already seemed to burn double and the whole +dining-room was going round, when "See here, Plocamus," Trimalchio spoke +up, "haven't you anything to tell us? You haven't entertained us at all, +have you? And you used to be fine company, always ready to oblige with a +recitation or a song. The gods bless us, how the green figs have +fallen!" "True for you," the fellow answered, "since I've got the gout +my sporting days are over; but in the good old times when I was a young +spark, I nearly sang myself into a consumption. How I used to dance! +And take my part in a farce, or hold up my end in the barber shops! Who +could hold a candle to me except, of course, the one and only Apelles?" +He then put his hand to his mouth and hissed out some foul gibberish or +other, and said afterwards that it was Greek. Trimalchio himself then +favored us with an impersonation of a man blowing a trumpet, and when he +had finished, he looked around for his minion, whom he called Croesus, a +blear-eyed slave whose teeth were very disagreeably discolored. He was +playing with a little black bitch, disgustingly fat, wrapping her up in a +leek-green scarf and teasing her with a half-loaf of bread which he had +put on the couch; and when from sheer nausea, she refused it, he crammed +it down her throat. This sight put Trimalchio in mind of his own dog and +he ordered Scylax, "the guardian of his house and home," to be brought +in. An enormous dog was immediately led in upon a chain and, obeying a +kick from the porter, it lay down beside the table. Thereupon Trimalchio +remarked, as he threw it a piece of white bread, "No one in all my house +loves me better than Scylax." Enraged at Trimalchio's praising Scylax so +warmly, the slave put the bitch down upon the floor and sicked her on to +fight. Scylax, as might have been expected from such a dog, made the +whole room ring with his hideous barking and nearly shook the life out of +the little bitch which the slave called Pearl. Nor did the uproar end in +a dog fight, a candelabrum was upset upon the table, breaking the glasses +and spattering some of the guests with hot oil. As Trimalchio did not +wish to seem concerned at the loss, he kissed the boy and ordered him to +climb upon his own back. The slave did not hesitate but, mounting his +rocking-horse, he beat Trimalchio's shoulders with his open palms, +yelling with laughter, "Buck! Buck! How many fingers do I hold up!" +When Trimalchio had, in a measure, regained his composure, which took but +a little while, he ordered that a huge vessel be filled with mixed wine, +and that drinks be served to all the slaves sitting around our feet, +adding as an afterthought, "If anyone refuses to drink, pour it on his +head: business is business, but now's the time for fun." + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p144"></a><img alt="p144.jpg (90K)" src="p144.jpg" height="803" width="583"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-FIFTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>The dainties that followed this display of affability were of such a +nature that, if any reliance is to be placed in my word, the very mention +of them makes me sick at the stomach. Instead of thrushes, fattened +chickens were served, one to each of us, and goose eggs with pastry caps +on them, which same Trimalchio earnestly entreated us to eat, informing +us that the chickens had all been boned. Just at that instant, however, +a lictor knocked at the dining-room door, and a reveler, clad in white +vestments, entered, followed by a large retinue. Startled at such pomp, +I thought that the Praetor had arrived, so I put my bare feet upon the +floor and started to get up, but Agamemnon laughed at my anxiety and +said, "Keep your seat, you idiot, it's only Habinnas the sevir; he's a +stone mason, and if report speaks true, he makes the finest tombstones +imaginable." Reassured by this information, I lay back upon my couch and +watched Habinnas' entrance with great curiosity. Already drunk and +wearing several wreaths, his forehead smeared with perfume which ran down +into his eyes, he advanced with his hands upon his wife's shoulders, and, +seating himself in the Praetor's place, he called for wine and hot water. +Delighted with his good humor, Trimalchio called for a larger goblet for +himself, and asked him, at the same time, how he had been entertained. +"We had everything except yourself, for my heart and soul were here, but +it was fine, it was, by Hercules. Scissa was giving a Novendial feast +for her slave, whom she freed on his death-bed, and it's my opinion +she'll have a large sum to split with the tax gatherers, for the dead man +was rated at 50,000, but everything went off well, even if we did have to +pour half our wine on the bones of the late lamented." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-SIXTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>"But," demanded Trimalchio, "what did you have for dinner'?" "I'll tell +you if I can," answered he, "for my memory's so good that I often forget +my own name. Let's see, for the first course, we had a hog, crowned with +a wine cup and garnished with cheese cakes and chicken livers cooked well +done, beets, of course, and whole-wheat bread, which I'd rather have +than white, because it puts strength into you, and when I take a crap +afterwards, I don't have to yell. Following this, came a course of +tarts, served cold, with excellent Spanish wine poured over warm honey; +I ate several of the tarts and got the honey all over myself. Then there +were chick-peas and lupines, all the smooth-shelled nuts you wanted, and +an apple apiece, but I got away with two, and here they are, tied up in +my napkin; for I'll have a row on my hands if I don't bring some kind of +a present home to my favorite slave. Oh yes, my wife has just reminded +me, there was a haunch of bear-meat as a side dish, Scintilla ate some of +it without knowing what it was, and she nearly puked up her guts when she +found out. But as for me, I ate more than a pound of it, for it tasted +exactly like wild boar and, says I, if a bear eats a man, shouldn't that +be all the more reason for a man to eat a bear? The last course was soft +cheese, new wine boiled thick, a snail apiece, a helping of tripe, liver +pate, capped eggs, turnips and mustard. But that's enough. Pickled +olives were handed around in a wooden bowl, and some of the party +greedily snatched three handfuls, we had ham, too, but we sent it back." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-SEVENTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>"But why isn't Fortunata at the table, Gaius? Tell me." "What's that," +Trimalchio replied; "don't you know her better than that? She wouldn't +touch even a drop of water till after the silver was put away and the +leftovers divided among the slaves." "I'm going to beat it if she don't +take her place," Habinnas threatened, and started to get up; and then, +at a signal, the slaves all called out together "Fortunata," four times +or more. + +<p>She appeared, girded round with a sash of greenish yellow, below which a +cherry-colored tunic could be seen, and she had on twisted anklets and +sandals worked in gold. Then, wiping her hands upon a handkerchief which +she wore around her neck, she seated herself upon the couch, beside +Scintilla, Habinnas' wife, and clapping her hands and kissing her, "My +dear," she gushed, "is it really you?" Fortunata then removed the +bracelets from her pudgy arms and held them out to the admiring +Scintilla, and by and by she took off her anklets and even her yellow +hair-net, which was twenty-four carats fine, she would have us know! +Trimalchio, who was on the watch, ordered every trinket to be brought to +him. "You see these things, don't you?" he demanded; "they're what +women fetter us with. That's the way us poor suckers are done! These +ought to weigh six pounds and a half. I have an arm-band myself, that +don't weigh a grain under ten pounds; I bought it out of Mercury's +thousandths, too." Finally, for fear he would seem to be lying, he +ordered the scales to be brought in and carried around to prove the +weights. And Scintilla was no better. She took off a small golden +vanity case which she wore around her neck, and which she called her +Lucky Box, and took from it two eardrops, which, in her turn, she handed +to Fortunata to be inspected. "Thanks to the generosity of my husband," +she smirked, "no woman has better." "What's that?" Habinnas demanded. +"You kept on my trail to buy that glass bean for you; if I had a +daughter, I'll be damned if I wouldn't cut off her little ears. We'd +have everything as cheap as dirt if there were no women, but we have to +piss hot and drink cold, the way things are now." The women, angry +though they were, were laughing together, in the meantime, and exchanging +drunken kisses, the one running on about her diligence as a housekeeper, +and the other about the infidelities and neglect of her husband. +Habinnas got up stealthily, while they were clinging together in this +fashion and, seizing Fortunata by the feet, he tipped her over backwards +upon the couch. "Let go!" she screeched, as her tunic slipped above her +knees; then, after pulling down her clothing, she threw herself into +Scintilla's lap, and hid, with her handkerchief, a face which was none +the more beautiful for its blushes. + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p148"></a><img alt="p148.jpg (54K)" src="p148.jpg" height="695" width="579"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-EIGHTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>After a short interval, Trimalchio gave orders for the dessert to be +served, whereupon the slaves took away all the tables and brought in +others, and sprinkled the floor with sawdust mixed with saffron and +vermilion, and also with powdered mica, a thing I had never seen done +before. When all this was done Trimalchio remarked, "I could rest +content with this course, for you have your second tables, but, if you've +something especially nice, why bring it on." Meanwhile an Alexandrian +slave boy, who had been serving hot water, commenced to imitate a +nightingale, and when Trimalchio presently called out, "Change your +tune," we had another surprise, for a slave, sitting at Habinnas' feet, +egged on, I have no doubt, by his own master, bawled suddenly in a +singsong voice, "Meanwhile AEneas and all of his fleet held his course on +the billowy deep"; never before had my ears been assailed by a sound so +discordant, for in addition to his barbarous pronunciation, and the +raising and lowering of his voice, he interpolated Atellane verses, and, +for the first time in my life, Virgil grated on my nerves. When he had +to quit, finally, from sheer want of breath, "Did he ever have any +training," Habinnas exclaimed, "no, not he! I educated him by sending +him among the grafters at the fair, so when it comes to taking off a +barker or a mule driver, there's not his equal, and the rogue's clever, +too, he's a shoemaker, or a cook, or a baker a regular jack of all +trades. But he has two faults, and if he didn't have them, he'd be +beyond all price: he snores and he's been circumcised. And that's the +reason he never can keep his mouth shut and always has an eye open. I +paid three hundred dinars for him." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SIXTY-NINTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>"Yes," Scintilla broke in, "and you've not mentioned all of his +accomplishments either; he's a pimp too, and I'm going to see that he's +branded," she snapped. Trimalchio laughed. "There's where the +Cappadocian comes out," he said; "never cheats himself out of anything +and I admire him for it, so help me Hercules, I do. No one can show a +dead man a good time. Don't be jealous, Scintilla; we're next to you +women, too, believe me. As sure as you see me here safe and sound, I +used to play at thrust and parry with Mamma, my mistress, and finally +even my master got suspicious and sent me back to a stewardship; but keep +quiet, tongue, and I'll give you a cake." Taking all this as praise, the +wretched slave pulled a small earthen lamp from a fold in his garment, +and impersonated a trumpeter for half an hour or more, while Habinnas +hummed with him, holding his finger pressed to his lips. Finally, the +slave stepped out into the middle of the floor and waved his pipes in +imitation of a flute-player; then, with a whip and a smock, he enacted +the part of a mule-driver. At last Habinnas called him over and kissed +him and said, as he poured a drink for him, "You get better all the time, +Massa. I'm going to give you a pair of shoes." Had not the dessert been +brought in, we would never have gotten to the end of these stupidities. +Thrushes made of pastry and stuffed with nuts and raisins, quinces with +spines sticking out so that they looked like sea-urchins. All this would +have been endurable enough had it not been for the last dish that was +served; so revolting was this, that we would rather have died of +starvation than to have even touched it. We thought that a fat goose, +flanked with fish and all kinds of birds, had been served, until +Trimalchio spoke up. "Everything you see here, my friends," said he, +"was made from the same stuff." With my usual keen insight, I jumped to +the conclusion that I knew what that stuff was and, turning to Agamemnon, +I said, "I shall be greatly surprised, if all those things are not made +out of excrement, or out of mud, at the very least: I saw a like artifice +practiced at Rome during the Saturnalia." + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p154"></a><img alt="p154.jpg (61K)" src="p154.jpg" height="729" width="545"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTIETH. +</h2><br> +<p>I had not done speaking, when Trimalchio chimed in, "As I hope to grow +fatter in fortune but not in figure, my cook has made all this out of a +hog! It would be simply impossible to meet up with a more valuable +fellow: he'd make you a fish out of a sow's coynte, if that's what you +wanted, a pigeon out of her lard, a turtle-dove out of her ham, and a hen +out of a knuckle of pork: that's why I named him Daedalus, in a happy +moment. I brought him a present of knives, from Rome, because he's so +smart; they're made of Noric steel, too." He ordered them brought in +immediately, and looked them over, with admiration, even giving us the +chance to try their edges upon our cheeks. Then all of a sudden two +slaves came in, carrying on as if they had been fighting at the fountain, +at least; each one had a water-jar hanging from a yoke around his neck. +Trimalchio arbitrated their difference, but neither would abide by his +decision, and each one smashed the other's jar with a club. Perturbed at +the insolence of these drunken ruffians, we watched both of them +narrowly, while they were fighting, and then, what should come pouring +out of the broken jars but oysters and scallops, which a slave picked up +and passed around in a dish. The resourceful cook would not permit +himself to be outdone by such refinements, but served us with snails on a +silver gridiron, and sang continually in a tremulous and very discordant +voice. I am ashamed to have to relate what followed, for, contrary to +all convention, some long-haired boys brought in unguents in a silver +basin and anointed the feet of the reclining guests; but before doing +this, however, they bound our thighs and ankles with garlands of flowers. +They then perfumed the wine-mixing vessel with the same unguent and +poured some of the melted liquid into the lamps. Fortunata had, by this +time, taken a notion that she wanted to dance, and Scintilla was doing +more hand-clapping than talking, when Trimalchio called out, +"Philargyrus, and you too, Carrio, you can both come to the table; +even if you are green faction fans, and tell your bedfellow, Menophila, +to come too." What would you think happened then? We were nearly +crowded off the couches by the mob of slaves that crowded into the +dining-room and almost filled it full. As a matter of fact, I noticed +that our friend the cook, who had made a goose out of a hog, was placed +next to me, and he stunk from sauces and pickle. Not satisfied with a +place at the table, he immediately staged an impersonation of Ephesus the +tragedian, and then he suddenly offered to bet his master that the greens +would take first place in the next circus games. + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-FIRST. +</h2><br> +<p>Trimalchio was hugely tickled at this challenge. "Slaves are men, my +friends," he observed, "but that's not all, they sucked the same milk +that we did, even if hard luck has kept them down; and they'll drink the +water of freedom if I live: to make a long story short, I'm freeing all +of them in my will. To Philargyrus, I'm leaving a farm, and his +bedfellow, too. Carrio will get a tenement house and his twentieth, +and a bed and bedclothes to boot. I'm making Fortunata my heir and I +commend her to all my friends. I announce all this in public so that my +household will love me as well now as they will when I'm dead." They all +commenced to pay tribute to the generosity of their master, when he, +putting aside his trifling, ordered a copy of his will brought in, which +same he read aloud from beginning to end, to the groaning accompaniment +of the whole household. Then, looking at Habinnas, "What say you, my +dearest friend," he entreated; "you'll construct my monument in keeping +with the plans I've given you, won't you? I earnestly beg that you carve +a little bitch at the feet of my statue, some wreaths and some jars of +perfume, and all of the fights of Petraites. Then I'll be able to live +even after I'm dead, thanks to your kindness. See to it that it has a +frontage of one hundred feet and a depth of two hundred. I want fruit +trees of every kind planted around my ashes; and plenty of vines, too, +for it's all wrong for a man to deck out his house when he's alive, and +then have no pains taken with the one he must stay in for a longer time, +and that's the reason I particularly desire that this notice be added: + +<center> +<p> --THIS MONUMENT DOES NOT-- +<p> --DESCEND TO AN HEIR-- +</center> + +<p>"In any case, I'll see to it through a clause in my will, that I'm not +insulted when I'm dead. And for fear the rabble comes running up into my +monument, to crap, I'll appoint one of my freedmen custodian of my tomb. +I want you to carve ships under full sail on my monument, and me, in my +robes of office, sitting on my tribunal, five gold rings on my fingers, +pouring out coin from a sack for the people, for I gave a dinner and two +dinars for each guest, as you know. Show a banquet-hall, too, if you +can, and the people in it having a good time. On my right, you can place +a statue of Fortunata holding a dove and leading a little bitch on a +leash, and my favorite boy, and large jars sealed with gypsum, so the +wine won't run out; show one broken and a boy crying over it. Put a +sun-dial in the middle, so that whoever looks to see what time it is must +read my name whether he wants to or not. As for the inscription, think +this over carefully, and see if you think it's appropriate: + +<center> +<p> HERE RESTS G POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO +<p> FREEDMAN OF MAECENAS DECREED +<p> AUGUSTAL, SEVIR IN HIS ABSENCE +<p> HE COULD HAVE BEEN A MEMBER OF +<p> EVERY DECURIA OF ROME BUT WOULD +<p> NOT CONSCIENTIOUS BRAVE LOYAL +<p> HE GREW RICH FROM LITTLE AND LEFT +<p> THIRTY MILLION SESTERCES BEHIND +<p> HE NEVER HEARD A PHILOSOPHER +<p> FAREWELL TRIMALCHIO +<p> FAREWELL PASSERBY" +</center> + + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-SECOND.</h2> +<br> +<p>When he had repeated these words, Trimalchio began to weep copiously, +Fortunata was crying already, and so was Habinnas, and at last, the whole +household filled the dining-room with their lamentations, just as if they +were taking part in a funeral. Even I was beginning to sniffle, when +Trimalchio said, "Let's live while we can, since we know we've all got to +die. I'd rather see you all happy, anyhow, so let's take a plunge in the +bath. You'll never regret it. I'll bet my life on that, it's as hot as +a furnace!" "Fine business," seconded Habinnas, "there's nothing suits +me better than making two days out of one," and he got up in his bare +feet to follow Trimalchio, who was clapping his hands. I looked at +Ascyltos. "What do you think about this?" I asked. "The very sight of a +bath will be the death of me." "Let's fall in with his suggestion," he +replied, "and while they are hunting for the bath we will escape in the +crowd." Giton led us out through the porch, when we had reached this +understanding, and we came to a door, where a dog on a chain startled us +so with his barking that Ascyltos immediately fell into the fish-pond. +As for myself, I was tipsy and had been badly frightened by a dog that +was only a painting, and when I tried to haul the swimmer out, I was +dragged into the pool myself. The porter finally came to our rescue, +quieted the dog by his appearance, and pulled us, shivering, to dry land. +Giton had ransomed himself by a very cunning scheme, for what we had +saved for him, from dinner, he threw to the barking brute, which then +calmed its fury and became engrossed with the food. But when, with +chattering teeth, we besought the porter to let us out at the door, "If +you think you can leave by the same door you came in at," he replied, +"you're mistaken: no guest is ever allowed to go out through the same +door he came in at; some are for entrance, others for exit." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p162"></a><img alt="p162.jpg (89K)" src="p162.jpg" height="763" width="591"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-THIRD. +</h2><br> +<p>What were we miserable wretches to do, shut up in this newfangled +labyrinth. The idea of taking a hot bath had commenced to grow in favor, +so we finally asked the porter to lead us to the place and, throwing off +our clothing, which Giton spread out in the hall to dry, we went in. +It was very small, like a cold water cistern; Trimalchio was standing +upright in it, and one could not escape his disgusting bragging even +here. He declared that there was nothing nicer than bathing without a +mob around, and that a bakery had formerly occupied this very spot. +Tired out at last, he sat down, but when the echoes of the place tempted +him, he lifted his drunken mouth to the ceiling, and commenced murdering +the songs of Menacrates, at least that is what we were told by those who +understood his language. Some of the guests joined hands and ran around +the edge of the pool, making the place ring with their boisterous peals +of laughter; others tried to pick rings up from the floor, with their +hands tied behind them, or else, going down upon their knees, tried to +touch the ends of their toes by bending backwards. We went down into the +pool while the rest were taking part in such amusements. It was being +heated for Trimalchio. When the fumes of the wine had been dissipated, +we were conducted into another dining-room where Fortunata had laid out +her own treasures; I noticed, for instance, that there were little bronze +fishermen upon the lamps, the tables were of solid silver, the cups were +porcelain inlaid with gold; before our eyes wine was being strained +through a straining cloth. "One of my slaves shaves his first beard +today," Trimalchio remarked, at length, "a promising, honest, thrifty +lad; may he have no bad luck, so let's get our skins full and stick +around till morning." + +<br><br><br><br> +<center><a name="p164"></a><img alt="p164.jpg (102K)" src="p164.jpg" height="781" width="579"> +</center> +<br><br><br><br> + +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-FOURTH. +</h2><br> +<p>He had not ceased speaking when a cock crowed! Alarmed at this omen, +Trimalchio ordered wine thrown under the table and told them to sprinkle +the lamps with it; and he even went so far as to change his ring from his +left hand to his right. "That trumpeter did not sound off without a +reason," he remarked; "there's either a fire in the neighborhood, or else +someone's going to give up the ghost. I hope it's none of us! Whoever +brings that Jonah in shall have a present." He had no sooner made this +promise, than a cock was brought in from somewhere in the neighborhood +and Trimalchio ordered the cook to prepare it for the pot. That same +versatile genius who had but a short time before made birds and fish out +of a hog, cut it up; it was then consigned to the kettle, and while +Daedalus was taking a long hot drink, Fortunata ground pepper in a +boxwood mill. When these delicacies had been consumed, Trimalchio looked +the slaves over. "You haven't had anything to eat yet, have you?" he +asked. "Get out and let another relay come on duty." Thereupon a second +relay came in. "Farewell, Gaius," cried those going off duty, and "Hail, +Gaius," cried those coming on. Our hilarity was somewhat dampened soon +after, for a boy, who was by no means bad looking, came in among the +fresh slaves. Trimalchio seized him and kissed him lingeringly, +whereupon Fortunata, asserting her rights in the house, began to rail at +Trimalchio, styling him an abomination who set no limits to his lechery, +finally ending by calling him a dog. Trimalchio flew into a rage at her +abuse and threw a wine cup at her head, whereupon she screeched, as if +she had had an eye knocked out and covered her face with her trembling +hands. Scintilla was frightened, too, and shielded the shuddering woman +with her garment. An officious slave presently held a cold water pitcher +to her cheek and Fortunata bent over it, sobbing and moaning. But as for +Trimalchio, "What the hell's next?" he gritted out, "this Syrian +dancing-whore don't remember anything! I took her off the auction block +and made her a woman among her equals, didn't I? And here she puffs +herself up like a frog and pukes in her own nest; she's a blockhead, all +right, not a woman. But that's the way it is, if you're born in an attic +you can't sleep in a palace I'll see that this booted Cassandra's tamed, +so help me my Genius, I will! And I could have married ten million, even +if I did only have two cents: you know I'm not lying! 'Let me give you a +tip,' said Agatho, the perfumer to the lady next door, when he pulled me +aside: 'don't let your line die out!' And here I've stuck the ax into my +own leg because I was a damned fool and didn't want to seem fickle. I'll +see to it that you're more careful how you claw me up, sure as you're +born, I will! That you may realize how seriously I take what you've done +to me-- Habinnas, I don't want you to put her statue on my tomb for fear +I'll be nagged even after I'm dead! And furthermore, that she may know I +can repay a bad turn, I won't have her kissing me when I'm laid out!" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-FIFTH. +</h2><br> +<p>When Trimalchio had launched this thunderbolt, Habinnas commenced to +beg him to control his anger. "There's not one of us but goes wrong +sometimes," argued he; "we're not gods, we're men." Scintilla also cried +out through her tears, calling him "Gaius," and entreating him by his +guardian angel to be mollified. Trimalchio could restrain the tears no +longer. "Habinnas," he blubbered, "as you hope to enjoy your money, spit +in my face if I've done anything wrong. I kissed him because he's very +thrifty, not because he's a pretty boy. He can recite his division table +and read a book at sight: he bought himself a Thracian uniform from his +savings from his rations, and a stool and two dippers, with his own +money, too. He's worth my attention, ain't he? But Fortunata won't see +it! Ain't that the truth, you high-stepping hussy'? Let me beg you to +make the best of what you've got, you shekite, and don't make me show my +teeth, my little darling, or you'll find out what my temper's like! +Believe me, when once I've made up my mind, I'm as fixed as a spike in a +beam! But let's think of the living. I hope you'll all make yourselves +at home, gentlemen: I was in your fix myself once; but rose to what I am +now by my own merit. It's the brains that makes the man, all the rest's +bunk. I buy well, I sell well, someone else will tell you a different +story, but as for myself, I'm fairly busting with prosperity. What, +grunting-sow, still bawling? I'll see to it that you've something to +bawl for, but as I started to say, it was my thrift that brought me to +my fortune. I was just as tall as that candlestick when I came over from +Asia; every day I used to measure myself by it, and I would smear my lips +with oil so my beard would sprout all the sooner. I was my master's +'mistress' for fourteen years, for there's nothing wrong in doing what +your master orders, and I satisfied my mistress, too, during that time, +you know what I mean, but I'll say no more, for I'm not one of your +braggarts!" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-SIXTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>"At last it came about by the will of the gods that I was master in the +house, and I had the real master under my thumb then. What is there +left to tell? I was made co-heir with Caesar and came into a Senator's +fortune. But nobody's ever satisfied with what he's got, so I embarked +in business. I won't keep you long in suspense; I built five ships and +loaded them with wine--worth its weight in gold, it was then--and sent +them to Rome. You'd think I'd ordered it so, for every last one of them +foundered; it's a fact, no fairy tale about it, and Neptune swallowed +thirty million sesterces in one day! You don't think I lost my pep, do +you? By Hercules, no! That was only an appetizer for me, just as if +nothing at all had happened. I built other and bigger ships, better +found, too, so no one could say I wasn't game. A big ship's a big +venture, you know. I loaded them up with wine again, bacon, beans, +Capuan perfumes, and slaves: Fortunata did the right thing in this +affair, too, for she sold every piece of jewelry and all her clothes into +the bargain, and put a hundred gold pieces in my hand. They were the +nest-egg of my fortune. A thing's soon done when the gods will it; +I cleared ten million sesterces by that voyage, all velvet, and bought +in all the estates that had belonged to my patron, right away. I built +myself a house and bought cattle to resell, and whatever I touched grew +just like a honeycomb. I chucked the game when I got to have an income +greater than all the revenues of my own country, retired from business, +and commenced to back freedmen. I never liked business anyhow, as far as +that goes, and was just about ready to quit when an astrologer, a Greek +fellow he was, and his name was Serapa, happened to light in our colony, +and he slipped me some information and advised me to quit. He was hep to +all the secrets of the gods: told me things about myself that I'd +forgotten, and explained everything to me from needle and thread up; knew +me inside out, he did, and only stopped short of telling me what I'd had +for dinner the day before. You'd have thought he'd lived with me +always!" + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-SEVENTH. +</h2><br> +<p>"Habinnas, you were there, I think, I'll leave it to you; +didn't he say--'You took your wife out of a whore-house'? you're as lucky in your +friends, too, no one ever repays your favor with another, you own broad +estates, you nourish a viper under your wing, and--why shouldn't I tell +it--I still have thirty years, four months, and two days to live! I'll +also come into another bequest shortly. That's what my horoscope tells +me. If I can extend my boundaries so as to join Apulia, I'll think I've +amounted to something in this life! I built this house with Mercury on +the job, anyhow; it was a hovel, as you know, it's a palace now! Four +dining-rooms, twenty bed-rooms, two marble colonnades, a store-room +upstairs, a bed-room where I sleep myself, a sitting-room for this viper, +a very good room for the porter, a guest-chamber for visitors. As a +matter of fact, Scaurus, when he was here, would stay nowhere else, +although he has a family place on the seashore. I'll show you many other +things, too, in a jiffy; believe me, if you have an as, you'll be rated +at what you have. So your humble servant, who was a frog, is now a king. +Stychus, bring out my funereal vestments while we wait, the ones I'll be +carried out in, some perfume, too, and a draught of the wine in that jar, +I mean the kind I intend to have my bones washed in." + +<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> +<h2>CHAPTER THE SEVENTY-EIGHTH.</h2> +<br> +<p>It was not long before Stychus brought a white shroud and a +purple-bordered toga into the dining-room, and Trimalchio requested us to feel +them and see if they were pure wool. Then, with a smile, "Take care, +Stychus, that the mice don't get at these things and gnaw them, or the +moths either. I'll burn you alive if they do. I want to be carried out +in all my glory so all the people will wish me well." Then, opening a +jar of nard, he had us all anointed. "I hope I'll enjoy this as well +when I'm dead," he remarked, "as I do while I'm alive." He then ordered +wine to be poured into the punch-bowl. "Pretend," said he, "that you're +invited to my funeral feast." The thing had grown positively nauseating, +when Trimalchio, beastly drunk by now, bethought himself of a new and +singular diversion and ordered some horn- blowers brought into the +dining-room. Then, propped up by many cushions, he stretched himself out +upon the couch. "Let on that I'm dead," said he, "and say something nice +about me." The horn-blowers sounded off a loud funeral march together, +and one in particular, a slave belonging to an undertaker, made such a +fanfare that he roused the whole neighborhood, and the watch, which was +patrolling the vicinity, thinking Trimalchio's house was afire, suddenly +smashed in the door and rushed in with their water and axes, as is their +right, raising a rumpus all their own. We availed ourselves of this +happy circumstance and, leaving Agamemnon in the lurch, we took to our +heels, as though we were running away from a real conflagration. + + +<br><br> +<hr> +<br><br> +<br><br> +<br><br> + + +<pre> +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE SATYRICON OF PETRONIUS, V2 *** + +******** This file should be named pas2w10h.html or pas2w10h.zip ******** + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, pas2w11h.html +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, pas2w10ha.html + +This eBook was produced by David Widger [widger@cecomet.net] + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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