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diff --git a/old/52203-0.txt b/old/52203-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index eea3b1f..0000000 --- a/old/52203-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,23597 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's The Comic Almanack, Volume 1 (of 2), by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: The Comic Almanack, Volume 1 (of 2) - An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, - Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities - -Author: Various - -Illustrator: George Cruikshank - -Release Date: June 1, 2016 [EBook #52203] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COMIC ALMANACK, VOLUME 1 *** - - - - -Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - THE - - COMIC ALMANACK. - - 1ST SERIES, 1835-1843. - - - - - _NOTICE._ - - -A SECOND SERIES of "_THE COMIC ALMANACK_," embracing the years 1844—53, -a ten years' gathering of the BEST HUMOUR, the WITTIEST SAYINGS, the -Drollest Quips, and the Best Things of THACKERAY, MAYHEW, ALBERT SMITH, -A'BECKETT, ROBERT BROUGH, with nearly one thousand Woodcuts and Steel -Engravings by the inimitable CRUIKSHANK, HINE, LANDELLS— - - may also be had of the Publishers of this volume, and uniform - with it, nearly 600 pages, price 7_s._ 6_d._ - -[Illustration: - - The Cold Water Cure -] - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - AN EPHEMERIS IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING - MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY, - QUIPS, AND ODDITIES. - - - BY - - THACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A. BECKETT, - THE BROTHERS MAYHEW. - -[Illustration: - - "FULL INSIDE, SIR, BUT PLENTY OF ROOM ON THE ROOF." -] - - =With many Hundred Illustrations= - - BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK - - AND OTHER ARTISTS. - - _FIRST SERIES, 1835-1843._ - - =London:= - - CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY. - - - - - CONTENTS - - - NOTICE - PRELIMINARY - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1835. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1836. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1837. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1838. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1839. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1840. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1841. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1842. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1843. - - - - - PRELIMINARY - - -THE "Comic Almanacks" of George Cruikshank have long been regarded by -admirers of this inimitable artist as among his finest, most -characteristic productions. Extending over a period of nineteen years, -from 1835 to 1853, inclusive, they embrace the best period of his -artistic career, and show the varied excellences of his marvellous -power. - -The late Mr. Tilt, of Fleet Street, first conceived the idea of the -"Comic Almanack," and at various times there were engaged upon it such -writers as Thackeray, Albert Smith, the Brothers Mayhew, the late Robert -Brough, Gilbert A'Beckett, and it has been asserted, Tom Hood, the -elder. Thackeray's stories of "Stubbs' Calendar, or the Fatal Boots," -which subsequently appeared as "Stubbs' Diary;" and "Barber Cox, or the -Cutting of his Comb," formed the leading attractions in the numbers for -1839 and 1840. The Almanack was published at 2_s._ 6_d._, but in 1848-9 -the size was reduced and the price altered to 1_s._ The change did not -produce the increased circulation expected, and in 1850 it was again -enlarged and published at 2_s._ 6_d._ In this year some very spiritedly -designed folding plates were added, and this feature continued until -1853, when Mr. Tilt's partner, the late Mr. Bogue, thought proper to -discontinue the work. - -For many years past, sets of the Almanack have been eagerly sought after -by collectors, and as much as 6_l._ and 7_l._ have been given for good -copies. - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1835. - - - PRELUDIUM. - - SCENE.—_An Apartment in the House of_ FRANCIS MOORE, _in which that - renowned Physician and Astrologer is discovered, lying at the - point of death_. _The_ NURSE _is holding up his head, while a - skilful_ MEDICINER _is dispensing a potion_. _Sundry_ OLD WOMEN - _surround his couch, in an agony of grief_. _The_ ASTROLOGER - _starteth up in a paroxysm of rage_. - - _Moore._ "Throw physic to the dogs," I'll gulp no more. - I'm done for: my prophetic life is o'er. - Who are these hags? and wherefore come they here? - - _Old Women._ Alack! he raves, and knows us not, poor dear! - To think he should his _only friends_ forget! - Who've fostered him, and made him quite a pet. - - _Moore._ Begone, ye beldames! wherefore do ye howl? - - _Old Women._ We've come to comfort your unhappy sowl. - - _Nurse._ 'Tis the Old Women,—pr'ythee, do not scare 'em,— - Who to the last have bought your VOX STELLARUM; - They're sorely griev'd, and fear that you will die; - And then, alack-a-day! who'll read the sky? - - _Moore._ Oh, ah!—yes—well,—just so—just so, - I see—I feel—I smell—I know—I know. - - _Nurse._ Poor soul! he's going fast. Oh! shocking shock! - So kind a master.... Bless me! there's a knock! - - _Enter_ RIGDUM FUNNIDOS, _in deep mourning_. - - _Rig. Fun._ "Ye black and midnight hags! what is't ye do?" - - _Nurse._ Speak softly, Sir; my master's turning blue. - He's not been sensible since last November. - - _Rig. Fun._ (_aside_) Nor ever was, that I can e'er remember. - But we must talk before his course is run. - - _Moore._ Who's that?—my sight grows dim—Is't RIGDUM FUN? - - _Rig. Fun._ The same, great MOORE! - - _Moore._ But, bless me! all in black! - What! mourn a _living_ man! Alack! alack! - - _Rig. Fun._ I wear _prospective_ mourning, thus to shew - The solemn grandeur of _prophetic woe_. - - _Moore._ The thought is _lively_, though the subject's _grave_; - And, therefore, you my free forgiveness have. - - _Rig. Fun._ How can I serve you, ere you vanish hence? - - _Moore._ I wish you'd cut the throat of COMMON SENSE. - To him I owe my death. That cruel wight - Long on my hopes has cast a fatal blight. - I knew I had receiv'd the mortal blow, - When first he wounded me, six years ago; - And every year the knave has stronger grown, - While ev'ry year has sunk me lower down. - - _Rig. Fun._ I will avenge you;—nay, I'll go much further: - The "Crowner's quest" shall find him guilty "Murther." - The common hangman shall cut short his breath; - And, by a shameful end, avenge _your_ death. - - _Moore._ 'Tis kindly said; and I in peace shall die. - Say, is there aught that _you_ would ask of _I_? - - _Rig. Fun._ Oh, FRANCIS MOORE! who soon _no_ MORE wilt be; - I came, a precious boon to beg of thee:— - One gracious favour, ere you breathe your last,— - _On_ ME _your Prophet's mantle deign to cast!_ - Let _me_ be raised to your deserted throne, - And call your countless subjects all my own. - Then let the mirth, they levell'd once at thee, - Fall, if it will, with tenfold force on me. - If all will laugh at _me_, who laugh'd at _you_, - The frowns of fortune I no more shall rue; - Nay, with such temper would I bear their jeers, - I could endure them for a hundred years. - - _Moore._ Life's ebbing fast; my sands are nearly run; - But you shall have what you request, my son! - Now, sit you down, and write what I shall say,— - The last bright glimmerings of the taper's ray. - I'll shew you how to pen those strains so well, - Of which the meaning no one e'er could tell. - Send forth the women;—draw a little nigher; - My brain is heating with prophetic fire. - - _Rig. Fun._ Matrons, abscond! (_They depart glumpishly; carrying - off the Mediciner._) Now, Dad, I'm all attention, - To learn the wisdom that's past comprehension. - - _Moore._ "The fiery Mars with furious fury rages." - - _Rig. Fun._ I've penn'd that down, most erudite of sages! - - _Moore._ "The Dog-star kindles with inflaming ire." - - _Rig. Fun._ Just wait a moment, while I stir the fire. - - _Moore._ "Terrific portents flame along the sky; - "I know the cause,—but dare not mention why." - - _Rig. Fun._ (_aside_) Which shews your prophecying's all my eye. - - _Moore._ "The planets are the book in which I read,—" - - _Rig. Fun._ I'm very glad to hear that you succeed. - You've better luck than when you went to school; - For there, I guess, they perch'd you on a stool. - - _Moore._ I read this solemn truth, as in a glass,— - 'Whate'er will happen's sure to come to pass;' - "And if it don't, why 'set me down an ass.'" - - _Rig. Fun._ That's done already; for to me 'twas plain, - An ass you were, and ever would remain. - - _Moore._ Avaunt! I'll speak no more to ears profane. - - [_The scene openeth, and discovereth the Shade of the great - Astrologer_, LILLY, _enveloped in a fog, who claspeth_ FRANCIS - MOORE _in his arms, and mizzleth off with him in a mist_.—_N.B. - The renowned_ PHYSICIAN _droppeth his threadbare mantle, which - falleth on_ RIGDUM FUNNIDOS, _who maketh his exit therewith - joyfully_. - - ┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┐ - │ JANUARY. │ [1835.│ - ├─────────────┬──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┤ - │ │When you first go to bathe, gentle Sir, in a river, │ - │ │If you dip in one foot, it will give you a shiver; │ - │ │But if you've the pluck to plunge in your whole body, │ - │ │You'll not shiver at all, you poor timid noddy! │ - │ │Just so with my rhymes,—I've got thro' my first │ - │ │ trouble: │ - │ │Had I stood shilly-shally, my toil had been double. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│toes │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 2│nose │ COMFORTS OF THE SEASON. │ Weather │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 3│froze │Chilblains sore on all your toes, │ likely │ - │ │ │Icicles hang from your nose │ │ - │ 4│blue │Rheumatis' in all your limbs; │ ☍ ☌ △ ♄ │ - │ │ │Noddle full of aches and whims; │ │ - │ 5│who │Chaps upon your hands and lips, │ to be │ - │ │ │And lumbago in your hips. │ │ - │ 6│you │To your bed you shiv'ring creep, │ cold │ - │ │ │There to freeze, but not to sleep; │ │ - │ 7│ice │For the sheets, that look so nice, │ │ - │ │ │Are to you two sheets of ice; │ □ ♃ △ ♂ │ - │ 8│trice │Wearied out, at length you doze, │ │ - │ │ │And snatch, at last, a brief repose, │ if │ - │ 9│down │Dream all night that you're a dab, │ │ - │ │ │Lying on fishmonger's slab. │ │ - │10│crown │While indulging in a snore, │ the frost │ - │ │ │There comes a rap at chamber door; │ │ - │11│folk │Screaming voice of Betty cries: │ │ - │ │ │"If you please, it's time to rise." │ △ ⚹ ☉ │ - │12│joke │Up you start, and, on the sheet, │ │ - │ │ │Find your breath is chang'd to sleet; │is very old:│ - │13│in │Tow'rds the glass you turn your view, │ │ - │ │ │Find your nose of purple hue, │ │ - │14│grin │Looking very like, I trow, │ If no snow │ - │ │ │Beet-root in a field of snow. │ │ - │15│out │You would longer lie, but nay, │ ☿ ♄ △ ♂ □ │ - │ │ │Time is come,—you must away. │ │ - │16│shout │Out you turn, with courage brave, │ │ - │ │ │Slip on drawers,—and then to shave! │ should │ - │17│cram │Seize the jug, and in a trice, │ │ - │ │ │Find the water chang'd to ice: │ chance to │ - │18│ham │Break the ice, and have to rue │ │ - │ │ │That you've broke the pitcher too. │ fall │ - │19│jam │Water would not run before; │ │ - │ │ │Now, it streams upon the floor, │ │ - │20│dram │Threat'ning with a fearful doom, │ □ ☌ ⚹ ☉ │ - │ │ │Ceiling of the drawing-room. │ │ - │21│twelfth │In the frenzy of despair, │ │ - │ │ │You seize you don't know what, nor care, │ then │ - │22│night │Mop up all the wet and dirt, │ │ - │ │ │And find you've done it with your shirt; │ perhaps │ - │23│bright │Your _only_ shirt,—all filth and slosh,— │ │ - │ │ │_For all the rest are in the wash._ │ │ - │24│sight │Into bed you turn again, │ ☿ △ ♂ ☉ ⚹ │ - │ │ │Ring the bell with might and main, │ │ - │25│bake │Stammer out to Betty, why │ □ ♄ │ - │ │ │'Twixt the sheets you're forc'd to lie, │ │ - │26│cake │'Till, pitying your feelings hurt, │ │ - │ │ │She dabs you out another shirt. │ no frost │ - │27│nice │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │28│slice │ │ ☉ □ △ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │29│twice │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ at all. │ - │30│quaff │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │31│laugh │ │ ♃ △ ☍ □ ♂ │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - -[Illustration: - - JANUARY. -] - - - ASS-TROLOGICAL PREDICTIONS. - -I now proceed to put on my conjuring cap, and shew forth the wonders of -the stars. - -On looking at the moon, through my 500-horse power telescope, which -magnifieth the planets 97,000,000 of times larger than life, I discern, -that the march of intellect hath already travelled to that luminary; for -I do distinctly perceive divers juveniles, of eighty years old and -upwards, seated on stools, with horn-books in their hands. The Man in -the Moon is also very busy, striving to metamorphose his sticks into -_brooms_, to sweep away the cobwebs of ignorance therewith. Moreover, I -do observe about half a million miles of cast-iron rail-road, in the -direction of the earth, by which I do opine an inclination towards this -planet. But there doth appear a great consternation amongst the other -constellations, more especially in the _Upper House_, where _Libra_ hath -got into fiery opposition with _Mars_; and _Saturn_ (who hath grown -_Grey_) hath, in striving to part them, lost the skirts of his coat, and -is glad to put up with a _Spencer_, whereby is clearly shadowed forth a -fierce encounter between two great commanders. Let those, who think -little of law and justice, read the 10,000 volumes of the Abridgment of -the Statutes, and tremble! - -Touching the affairs of Europe _in general_, I can say nothing _in -particular_; excepting that I observe, that the Pope of Rome hath been -furiously dealing forth his anathemas,[1] wherein he doth betray a most -marvellous lack of wit; for doth he opine, that Christian folk are such -_calves_ as to be _cow'd_ by a _bull_? Verily, it toucheth me sore, to -note the silly doings of the crazy old beldame, who hath turned the -world topsy-turvy for so many centuries, when she might gather her -petticoats about her, and sit down in peace and quietness, by merely—my -old friend and gossip, _Poor Humphrey_, sagaciously observeth,—just -turning _Protestant_. And, in good sooth, when we come to think of it, -there need be no quarrellings and bickerings on religious grounds, nor -scruples for conscience' sake, in any part of the world, if all the -Pagans, Hindoos, Mahometans, Jews and folks of every religion, and of no -religion at all, were only just to make up their minds to do the same -thing. And, pray, let me ask, what can be a more simple piece of advice? - -Footnote 1: - - The Abbé de la Mennais has roused the thunder of the Vatican by his - _Paroles d'un Croyant_. The Pope has addressed an evangelical letter - to the prelates of the Catholic world, in which the Abbé is compared - with John Huss and Wickliff, and his Holiness says:—"We damn for ever - this book of small size but huge depravity."—_Morning Post, June, - 1834._ - - - THE GREAT COMET. - -Though, touching Comets, Tycho Brahe, Kepler, Halley, Sir Isaac Newton, -and others of that stamp, do deny their malign influence on mundane -affairs, yet I, RIGDUM FUNNIDOS, holding in far greater reverence the -wisdom of our ancestors, and the sage opinion of my renowned defunct -predecessor, FRANCIS MOORE, do maintain, that they cast a sinister -aspect on this terrestrial globe; yea, and do mightily, in a most -adverse fashion, affect the same. Where-fore, I say, look, when the -_Great Comet_ cometh, for a sufficient reason, in the coming thereof, -for every thing which shall happen contrariwise; whether it be the -falling of kings, or the falling of stocks; the quarrels of nations, or -the squabbles of matrimony; the crash of empires, or the smash of -crockery; the tyranny of despots, or the scolding of wives:—yea, I do -say again, place them all to the account of the _Great Comet_. - - * * * * * - -Hereafter do follow sundry matters, both pleasant and profitable. - - - ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. - -MATRIMONY.—A highly respectable Gentleman, who has, for many years, -distinguished himself as an important Public Functionary, is desirous of -_haltering_ his condition, and tying the _knot_ of wedlock with a Lady -of congenial sentiments. Having, himself, a very tender disposition, he -stipulates for the same on the part of the object of his attachment; and -as he is partial to _good spirits_, he hopes she will always have a -stock. She must be duly impressed with a regard for the dignity of her -husband's station, and must never associate with her inferiors, and -whatever _pledges_ she makes, she must be careful to _redeem_. The -Advertiser is not very particular as to personal attractions; and with -regard to money, he has seen so many people in a state of _dependence_, -that he merely trusts she will come provided against such an unpleasant -contingency. On these conditions, which are the _gaol_ of his wishes, he -will give the fair object of his affections her _full swing_, and be -perfectly _resigned to his fate_. He anxiously looks for a _line_, -addressed "JOHN KETCH, Esq., opposite the Debtors' Door, Old Bailey." - -N.B. The _Schoolmaster in Newgate_, who drew up the above advertisement, -for his respected friend, Mr. Ketch, takes this opportunity of -contradicting a report, which has been current for some time past,—that -the Schoolmaster is _abroad_, which is quite _foreign_ from the fact. -Arrangements were certainly made to that effect, which, had they been -carried into execution, he would have been quite _transported_; but he -regrets to state, that he is under the necessity of remaining at his old -abode, the large stone house in the Old Bailey. - -[Illustration: - - FEBRUARY. -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │1835.] │ FEBRUARY. │ - ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │Birds, this month, do bill and coo; │ - │ │Do the like, and you may rue. │ - │ │Courting is a pretty pleasure; │ - │ │Wed in haste, repent at leisure. │ - │ │ * * * * * * │ - │ │To hen-peck'd husbands what a feast! │ - │ │This month, all women talk the least. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│mizzle │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ Rain or │ - │ │ │ │ hail, │ - │ 2│drizzle │ VALENTINE'S DAY. │ │ - │ │ │ │ ☽ ☍ │ - │ 3│frizzle │I can't make out what they're about, │ │ - │ │ │ Nor how the men incline; │ snow or │ - │ │ │ │ sleet │ - │ 4│raw │I've watch'd each knock, since nine │ │ - │ │ │ To get a Valentine. │ ☉ ♊ ♓ ♓ │ - │ 5│thaw │ │ │ - │ │ │In vain I've tried on every side, │ in │ - │ 6│hearts │ Some happy chance to see, │ │ - │ │ │For, ah, alas! there came to pass │ this month │ - │ 7│darts │ No Valentine for me. │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 8│smarts │From morn till night I've scream'd "The │ ☌ ♈ ♒ ♄ ⚹ │ - │ │ │ light │ │ - │ │ │ Guitar," above a week. │ │ - │ 9│loves │"Bid me discourse, has made me hoarse, │ you're │ - │ │ │ Till I can scarcely speak. │ │ - │10│doves │ │ sure to │ - │ │ │ │ meet. │ - │ │ │Through rain and snow I always go │ │ - │11│gloves │ To Tuesday evening lecture, │ │ - │ │ │Yet snow and rain don't bring a swain; │ ♀ ♂ ☿ │ - │12│willing │ And why, I can't conjecture. │ │ - │ │ │ │If you don't│ - │13│billing │In short, to find a lover kind, │ │ - │ │ │ I've us'd all honest ways, │ ♊ ☌ ⊕ ♓ │ - │14│wooing │I've pinch'd my toes, and no one knows │ │ - │ │ │ How tight I've lac'd my stays. │ why then │ - │15│cooing │ │ │ - │ │ │Three times to-day, across the way, │ you won't: │ - │16│eyes │ The postman has been seen— │ │ - │ │ │And this makes four—at Jones's door │ │ - │17│sighs │ One! two! "For Betty Green." │ ☊ ♅ ♑ ♎ ⚹ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │18│mate │Well! on my word, old Major Bird │ Perhaps │ - │ │ │ Stands making signs, I think,— │ │ - │19│fate │(If Betty dares to set her snares,—) │there won't │ - │ │ │ I'm sure I saw him wink. │ │ - │20│love │ │ be one │ - │ │ │I vow I'll call, and tell it all; │ │ - │21│cold │ They'll give her instant warning; │ │ - │ │ │And, but the river makes one shiver, │ ♃ ☉ ♐ ♋ ♉ │ - │22│scratch │ I'd drown to-morrow morning. │ │ - │ │ │ │nor t'other:│ - │23│scold │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ ☍ ☿ │ - │24│fight │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ Why then │ - │25│bite │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ 'twill │ - │ │ │ │ happen │ - │26│spite │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ ♊ ☿ ⚹ │ - │27│mope │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ in │ - │28│rope │ │some other. │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - HUMBUGGUM ASTROLOGICUM, PRO ANNO 1835. - - VOX MULTORUM, VOX STULTORUM: _The Voice of the Many is the Voice of - a Zany.—It brawleth at all Places and Seasons._ - -[Illustration] - - COURTEOUS READER, - -STEPPING in the steps of my late worthy and much-lamented Prototype, -FRANCIS MOORE, deceased, I herewith present you with my Hieroglyphic, -"_adapted to the_ TIMES." "Its interpretation is in the womb of time," -and those who do pry with curious eyes into the mysteries of the stars, -will, in due season, divine the hidden meaning thereof. Yet may I -observe, that by the rules of art, I have discovered, that a fiery -planet, which has been for some time located in the upper house, and has -been for a long while lord of the ascendant, has come in fiery -opposition with _Scorpio_; while _Taurus_ hath flung a quartile ray at -both of them. - -[Illustration: - - MARCH. -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │1835.] │ MARCH. │ - ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │I fear I am a Sinner lost, │ - │ │ For often do I pray,— │ - │ │That I could read, in _Times_ or _Post_, │ - │ │ The death of LADY DAY. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│Shrove │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ I suspend │ - │ 2│tide │ MARCH WINDS. │ │ - │ │ │ │ ☌ ☉ ♄ ♃ ♊ │ - │ 3│fritter │Come, Bully MARCH! and show your │ │ - │ │ │ blustering face; │ │ - │ │fried │I'll give you blow for blow, to your │ my │ - │ │ │ disgrace. │ │ - │ │ │You take advantage of us Fleet Street │predictions │ - │ │ │ sinners, │ │ - │ 5│Nan │While the police are gone to get their │ │ - │ │ │ dinners. │ │ - │ │ │From Racket Court you rush, with such a │ ♅ ☊ ♌ ♑ │ - │ │ │ rattle, │ │ - │ 6│makes │As makes the Lumber troopers fear a │ │ - │ │ │ battle. │ │ - │ │ │ │ on the │ - │ 7│pan- │ Oh! what fun, by the Bolt-in-tun, │ │ - │ │ │ As your windy highness passes; │ weather │ - │ 8│cakes │ D'ye hear a crash? There's a window-sash│ │ - │ │ │ Made multiplying glasses. │ │ - │ 9│batter │ │ ♓ ☊ │ - │ │ │And now you come again from Chanc'ry Lane,│ │ - │10│clatter │Where "Law" and "Assurance" guard Old │this month, │ - │ │ │ Dunstan's fane. │ │ - │ │ │(_Old_ Dunstan, did I say?—_young_ Dunstan│ │ - │ │ │ now, │ │ - │11│spatter │As many a heavy parish rate will show.) │ ♂ ☿ ☉ ☽ │ - │ │ │See how you raise a riot and a rout, │ │ - │12│sky │Tossing old women's petticoats about; │ because I │ - │ │ │Hats, capes, and umbrellas round you │ │ - │ │ │ scatter, │ │ - │13│high │Till good Saint Bridget wonders what's the│ shall be │ - │ │ │ matter. │ able │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │14│toss │ Ah, che _gust_-o! what a dusto! │ │ - │ │ │ Blowing, growing, as it flies. │ ♂ ♌ ♑ ♓ ♄ │ - │15│in the │ Lime and mortar show no quarter, │ │ - │ │ │ Ramming, cramming, ears and eyes. │to tell more│ - │16│pan │ │ │ - │ │ │They say your dust is gold; so, little │ correctly │ - │ │ │ fear │ │ - │17│high │Of growing poor; we'll roll in riches │ │ - │ │ │ here; │ │ - │ │ │Then blow up, MARCH! our sapient parish │ ♎ ♐ ♏ ♀ │ - │ │ │ powers │ │ - │18│as │Ne'er think of water till the April │ │ - │ │ │ showers. │ │ - │ │ │ │ next year; │ - │19│you │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ and │ - │20│can │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ moreover, │ - │21│toss │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │22│them │ │ ⊕ ♃ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │23│higher │ │ my readers │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │24│fat │ │ can │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │25│in the │ │ ♌ ♂ ♓ ♄ ☊ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │26│fire │ │ exercise │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │27│soot │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ their own │ - │28│must │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │29│splash │ │ judgments │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │30│crash │ │ ♂ ☽ ♊ ☿ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │31│ash │ │ thereupon. │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - MY GRANDMOTHER'S LAMENT; - or, - THE SETTLING DAY. - - It was a drear November morn; the rain was pouring fast; - I underneath a gateway stood, in hopes it would not last; - And forthwith I began to muse, and to myself did say: - I hope the rain will soon give o'er, for this is "SETTLING DAY." - - If I don't stand for shelter here, I shall be wetted thro'; - I at the Stock Exchange shall be _black-boarded_ if I do: - And while I thus was fidgetting, the sun shot forth a ray; - And then I hoped to be in time all for the "SETTLING DAY." - - The rain clear'd off, and gladsomely I did prepare to go, - When up there came an Ancient Dame with visage full of woe: - She laid on me her skinny hand, and mournfully did say: - "To my lament you must give ear, altho' 'tis 'SETTLING DAY.'" - - "Good lady," I began to say, "my time is very short,"— - And fain I would have slipp'd away, but she my button caught. - "Oh! listen to your Grandmother! for she has much to say,"— - (She surely held me by some spell, although 'twas "SETTLING DAY.") - - "From morn till eve I wander forth; I roam like one distraught; - "Which ever way I turn my eyes, with ruin it is fraught. - "The good old times are quite forgot; all things do fade away; - "And when I mourn, the people laugh, and cry: ''tis SETTLING DAY.' - - "'Twas in the Court of Chancery I oft did take my nap; - "And many doubting Chancellors I've dandled in my lap; - "But now the _Broom_, that sweeps the room, it brushes me away; - "And says, for me, and all such crones, it is the 'SETTLING DAY.' - - "'Twas in the Commons House I sat, when Billy Pitt was young; - "I listen'd to his twelve-hour speech, and blest his fluent tongue. - "They us'd to sit from night till morn; and how they talk'd away! - "But now they sit from morn till night: oh! what a 'SETTLING DAY!' - - "They've London pull'd about one's ears; 'tis London now no more; - "They've swallow'd up poor Swallow Street; behind is now before; - "They've metamorphos'd Charing Cross; the Mews has pass'd away, - "And Lewkner's Lane I seek in vain: 't has had its 'SETTLING DAY.' - - - "St. Dunstan's Church they've built anew; oh! what a _Gothic_ feat! - "The _Savages_, who beat the _Bells_, have beaten a retreat; - "They've built another London Bridge; the old one's clear'd away; - "For such destructive knaves I wish a speedy 'SETTLING DAY.' - - "The Watchmen mustn't cry the hour, nor in their boxes snore; - "Their occupation's gone, and time with them is now no more. - "They tell me, too, the little Sweeps no more must 'Soot, ho!' say: - "I hope for such black deeds there'll come a _sweeping_ 'SETTLING DAY.' - - "Another thing doth sorrow bring, and maketh me to fret; - "They talk about abolishing Imprisonment for Debt; - "And next, alas! the time may come, there'll be no costs to pay, - "For ev'ry man will get his own upon the 'SETTLING DAY.' - - "I mind me, when a little girl, I travell'd once to York; - "And slow and stately did we ride; it was a three days' work; - "But now they do it all by steam, so very fast, they say, - "To Brummagem you'll go, and back, in half a 'SETTLING DAY.' - - "I heard them talk, awhile agone, about an air-balloon, - "To come from France, and carry us a journey to the moon. - "When folks become so impious, our duty 'tis to pray, - "That such presumptuous doings soon may meet a 'SETTLING DAY.' - - "That horrid March of Intellect has prov'd a perfect bore; - "I fear it killed poor St. John Long: his rubbing days are o'er; - "But 'twas a gracious sight to see his funeral array, - "And lords and ladies join the train, upon his 'SETTLING DAY.' - - "They've made the babes at infant schools so very wise indeed, - "That they can read before they speak, and write before they read: - "They're wiser than their grandmothers! you hear the people say, - "I can't survive this awful shock;—this cruel 'SETTLING DAY.'" - - While thus the crone did make her moan, I pitied her full sore, - And much I strove to comfort her, when she had given o'er; - I begg'd of her to list to me, and I'd be bound to say, - Some snug abuses I would find, without a "SETTLING DAY." - - For dirty courts and narrow lanes, I told her not to fret; - To 'mind us of the good old times, there was a plenty yet: - At East and West, 'mong gents and cits, there's many a crooked way, - And holes and corners dark enough, without a "SETTLING DAY." - - I bade her look at Temple Bar,—that venerable pile; - Its mould'ring stones and rotten gates, and then she gave a smile - She thought upon the bleeding heads, and plaintively did say: - "I hope for that dear obstacle there'll be no 'SETTLING DAY.'" - - - Tho' St. John Long (I said) is gone,—that curer of all ills,— - We still have modest Morison's fam'd Vegetable Pills; - Then think upon the Pension List, where stand, in grand array, - A splendid train, who take their cash on ev'ry "SETTLING DAY." - - I own'd that, for the London Cries, we now must ring a knell: - But if we've lost the 'Sweep soot-ho!' we've got the dustman's bell; - Tho' in the street, it is not meet that folks should preach or pray; - Yet Punch may bawl, and singers squall, without a "SETTLING DAY." - - My Granny grinn'd a ghastly smile, and let my button go; - "We'll meet again," she said, "and then I'll tell you all my woe: - "You have not heard a twentieth part; but you'll no longer stay." - She vanish'd straight; but all too late;—I lost _my_ "SETTLING DAY." - - - ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. - -A GENTLEMAN, who is about to proceed to New South Wales, on the public -account, for fourteen years, is desirous of providing a confidential -situation for an active YOUTH, previously to his departure. He is -exceedingly light-fingered, and very dexterous in the conveyance of -property; and, among his other accomplishments, the advertiser can -confidently recommend him for considerable skill in opening locks -without the aid of a key. He has been brought up to the _bar_; and is -_lineally_ descended from the renowned Jerry Abershaw. Most of his -relations have been raised to exalted situations, far above the ordinary -crowd; and, indeed, there is little doubt, that the force of his genius, -if suffered to take its course, will, in time, procure for him the same -degree of elevation. He can refer with confidence for a character to any -of the gentlemen composing that respectable body, the Swell Mob -Association; and the advertiser will be happy to reply to any inquiries, -addressed—PETER PRIG, Esq., at the Stone Jug Hotel, Old Bailey. - -[Illustration: - - APRIL. -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │1835.] │ APRIL. │ - ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │ Opera open—Town fills— │ - │ │ Old fools dance quadrilles— │ - │ │Paganini's fiddle-de-D— │ - │ │The D— once fiddled a guinea from me— │ - │ │Crockford's splendid Saturday Dinners— │ - │ │Sunday—"Miserable sinners!" │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│growing │ │ If it be │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 2│showers │ APRIL RHYMES. │ neither │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 3│springing │Rhymes for April—let me sing │ ♄ ♊ ♌ ☿ ⚹ │ - │ │ │The pleasures of returning spring. │ │ - │ 4│flowers │ │ warm │ - │ │ │ I wish, in verse the lines ran single, │ │ - │ 5│hot │'Tis tiresome, hunting words that jingle, │ nor cold, │ - │ │ │ │ wet │ - │ │ │And just as hard, in any season, │ │ - │ 6│cross │To furnish either rhyme or reason: │ nor dry, │ - │ │ │For showers, and bowers, and buds of │ │ - │ │ │ roses, │ │ - │ 7│bunn │Nights, and blights, and blue cold noses, │ ♂ ☉ ☌ ☍ │ - │ │ │Beams and gleams, and flow'rets springing,│ │ - │ 8│day │Feather'd warblers, winging, singing, │ calm │ - │ │ │Hills and rills, and groves and loves, │ │ - │ 9│Easter │Wooing, cooing, turtle-doves, │ nor storm; │ - │ │ │Shades and glades, and larks and thrushes,│ │ - │10│Monday │Chilly grass, and dripping bushes, │ and │ - │ │ │Are soon a poor exhausted store;— │ │ - │11│what a │I'll try a city theme for more. │ │ - │ │ │ │ ⚹ ♊ ♄ ☉ │ - │12│fun │ Judges, fudges, wigs, and prigs, │ │ - │ │ │In coaches, busses, cabs, and gigs, │ there be │ - │13│day! │Dripping, tripping, slipping, slopping, │ │ - │ │ │Pink silk stockings go a-shopping; │ neither │ - │14│prentice │Haggling, draggling, puddling, poking, │ │ - │ │ │Drizzling, mizzling, muddling, soaking, │ │ - │15│boys │Dirty crossings, dainty faces, │ ♃ ♄ ☉ ☿ ♂ │ - │ │ │Pretty legs choose widest places; │ │ - │16│full │And fools are made, by far the worst, │frost, snow,│ - │ │ │On other days besides the First. │ │ - │17│of │ │hail, rain, │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │18│joys │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │19│noise │ │ ♊ ☉ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │20│toys │ │ ♄ ♊ ☿ ♂ ⚹ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │21│Greenwich │ │ why then │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │22│hill │ │you may say,│ - │ │ │ │ │ - │23│Jack │ │ ♄ ♊ ☉ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │24│and │ │ that │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │25│Jill │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ ♃ ♄ ♊ ☉ ♂ │ - │26│tumble │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ I am │ - │27│down │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ ☌ ☉ ♌ ♈ ☿ │ - │28│crack │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ no │ - │29│their │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ conjurer. │ - │30│crown │ │ │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - _ABSTRACT of an ACT, intituled an Act for the Amendment of an - Act for the Amendment of the Poor Laws._ - - [To be passed on the 1st of April next.] - -_Preamble._—Abuses all former Acts, and repeals them accordingly. - -_Clause 1._—Empowers paupers to act as Churchwardens and Overseers; to -form their own vestries, and pass laws for their own relief. - -_Clause 2._—Provides for weekly tavern dinners for the same; and -stipulates for a bountiful supply of turtle-soup, venison, burgundy, -champagne, hock, claret, and rose-water. - -_Clause 3._—Enacts that pensions, of not less than £1000 per annum, -shall be granted to all former Churchwardens and Overseers, as a -compensation for their loss of office; and that they shall each be -raised to the rank of baronet, as a compensation for their loss of -dignity. - -_Clause 4._—Enacts that every able-bodied pauper, who can work, shall be -allowed five guineas per week each, and two guineas for each of their -children, illegitimate or otherwise; and should any refractory pauper -refuse this allowance, and prefer breaking stones at a penny per bushel, -he shall be forthwith committed to the custody of the keeper of the -London Tavern, if in the City of London, or of some inn or hotel, if any -other part of the kingdom, and be compelled to feast like an alderman, -till he show symptoms of contrition. - -_Clause 5._—That as many paupers may prefer being boarded and lodged, -suitable mansions shall be erected for the purpose, in cheerful and airy -situations; to which governors shall be appointed, to be elected by the -paupers, for the due regulation thereof. And if, on complaint of one or -more of the said paupers, it shall appear, that the said governor hath, -on any occasion, omitted to provide them with all due necessaries, such -as silver forks, doileys, finger-glasses, napkins, or other -indispensable matters; or hath omitted to serve their tea, coffee, or -chocolate, in silver pots, and china cups and saucers; or substituted -plain lump for double-refined lump sugar, or milk for cream, or tallow -for wax candles, or a feather-bed for a down-bed: or neglected to keep -the harp or piano in proper tune, or to furnish clean linen once a day, -(if they desire it, but not otherwise); or presumed to call them out of -bed before twelve at noon, unless specially directed so to do; or -behaved disrespectfully, or omitted to stand uncovered in their -presence, &c. &c. &c. for each and every such offence, the said governor -shall be committed to the tread-mill for not less than six calendar -months. - -_Clause 6._—Each pauper, who is a boarder as aforesaid, shall be at -liberty to invite as many friends as he pleases, to a grand dinner -party, to be holden once a week; a concert and ball to be holden twice a -week; and a grand concert and ball to take place four times in the year; -on which occasion, the said paupers, or a committee thereof, shall be at -liberty to engage any of the Italian singers, provided their terms do -not exceed 100 guineas each per night. - -_Clause 7._—Allows a premium of 50 guineas to the mother of every -illegitimate child born in the said mansion. - -_Clause 8._—Enacts that the halt, the maimed, and the blind, together -with all aged, infirm, diseased, idiotic, and insane persons, and all -who are unable, through mental or bodily incapacity, to maintain -themselves, shall be allowed the liberty of begging their bread on the -king's highway; by which, public sympathy will be powerfully awakened, -and pauperism effectually discouraged. - -_Clause 9._—Enacts that all the moneys, necessary for carrying the -foregoing provisions into effect, shall be disbursed from the pockets of -the honest and industrious. - -_Clause 10._—Enacts that this Act shall neither be altered, amended, nor -repealed. - - - ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. - -FOUND on a suspicious person, stopped by the Police, the following -articles, _viz._:— - -1. The clock of old St. Dunstan's Church, with the Cross of St. Paul's -and the steeple of the church in Langham Place, which he had converted -into a seal and key, and appended thereto by a chain cable. - -2. The images of Gog and Magog from Guildhall. N. B. He begged hard to -have these restored to him, alleging that he had bought them as -playthings for his children. - -3. The "collective wisdom" of St. Stephen's Chapel, which he had -purloined from the Members' skulls, before the late fire, and had -artfully concealed in a nut-shell. - -4. The conscience of the legal profession, which, at first, was scarcely -perceptible, but on its being accidentally placed in a bag of -sovereigns, became extremely vociferous. - -5. A cart-load of Billingsgate abuse, and a bag of moonshine. Should -these articles not be claimed, they will be sold to the best bidder. -N.B. They would admirably answer the purpose of some of our "best public -Instructors." - -There were several other articles of less value, all of which will be -restored, to the right owners, on application to the Mansion House. - - ┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┐ - │ MAY. │ [1835.│ - ├─────────────┬──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┤ - │ │Madame de Staël declared, one day, │ - │ │She was always afraid of the month of MAY; │ - │ │So bless Lord Brougham's legislation,— │ - │ │His "boon to the female population,"— │ - │ │Which keeps them, 'gainst their kind intent, │ - │ │Discreet by act of parliament. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│First of │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ Touching │ - │ 2│May │ THE CHIMNEY SWEEP'S LAMENT. │ │ - │ │ │ │ ♈ ♀ ⚹ ♏ ☽ │ - │ 3│Day │ │ │ - │ │ │"Ah, Sal! vot lots of First of Mays │the weather │ - │ 4│once │Is gone, since them 'ere jolly days, │ │ - │ │ │ Ven times vos times to brag on; │ ♃ ⊕ ♒ ☉ │ - │ 5│a gay │I can't make out vot hails the nation, │ │ - │ │ │For now there's sich a halteration, │ I do │ - │ 6│day │ Ve've much ado to vag on. │ │ - │ │ │ │ somewhat, │ - │ 7│Jack │"Vy, ven the big reform bill pass'd, │ │ - │ │ │Ve holp John Russell to the last, │ │ - │ 8│in the │ Like birdies of a feather; │ ☿ ♊ ☽ │ - │ │ │And, sure, their Vorships von't deny │ │ - │ 9│green │Ve daily join'd in common cry, │as it were, │ - │ │ │ And sung out 'Sveep' together. │ │ - │10│ravish- │ │ dubitate; │ - │ │ │"But now, unmindful vot they owes, │ │ - │11│ing │They makes no odds 'twixt friends and │ │ - │ │ │ foes, │ │ - │ │ │ And gags us with their laws; │ ☌ ♒ ☿ ♊ ♎ │ - │12│scene │For since the nobs has got their ends, │ │ - │ │ │They grows asham'd of chummy friends, │ tho' most │ - │13│chimney │ And makes us hold our jaws. │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │14│sweepers │"There's Bob the dustman rings his bell, │ ☌ ♓ ♑ ♌ │ - │ │ │And Flounder Bet cries mack-er-el, │ │ - │15│no │ And no one hinders she;— │probably, it│ - │ │ │If singing 'Sveep' vakes Bobby's pal, │ │ - │16│longer │Vy Bob and Bet disturbs my Sal, │ ☽ ♂ ♀ │ - │ │ │ Vot's all as dear to me. │ │ - │17│creepers │ │ will be │ - │ │ │"Vy, bless your eyes, the first May-day │ │ - │18│holiday │I ever seed you prance away, │ ♎ ♐ ☍ ♋ ♉ │ - │ │ │ So fine that queens might follor, │ │ - │19│jolly │All deck'd in roses, silks and lace, │in some sort│ - │ │ │I thought it was fair Dafney's face, │ │ - │20│day │ And I vos your Apollor. │ │ - │ │ │ │ ♂ ☽ ☌ ♄ │ - │21│off │"And tho' the temperation folks │ │ - │ │ │Would throw cold water on our jokes, │seasonable, │ - │22│they │ And damp our fun and glee; │ │ - │ │ │On this, our yearly Annival, │ ♓ ♑ │ - │23│go │I'll be a king, and you, my Sal, │ │ - │ │ │Shall be a queen to me." │ or perhaps │ - │24│dancing │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ otherwise, │ - │25│prancing │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │26│whirling │ │ ♂ ♅ ♂ ♌ ☿ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │27│twirling │ │ just │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │28│on the │ │as the case │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │29│light │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ ♍ ☍ ♈ ♀ │ - │30│fantastic │ │ │ - │ │ │ │may happen. │ - │31│toe │ │ │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - -[Illustration: - - MAY. -] - - - PROCEEDINGS OF LEARNED SOCIETIES. - -_At the Philosophical Institution_, held at the Pig and Tinder Box, in -Liquorpond Street, a letter was read by Sawney Suck-Egg, Esq., on the -possibility of extending the realms of space, and adding to the duration -of eternity. In the same essay, he also satisfactorily proved, that two -and _too_ do _not_ make four; that BLACK is very often white; and that a -Chancery suit has shewn to many a man, that what has a beginning does -not necessarily always have an end. - -A new mode of raising the wind was also communicated to this society by -Jeremy Diddler, Esq.; a very useful invention for broken-down gamblers, -ruined spendthrifts, insolvent tradesmen, and 'Change Alley waddlers. - -_Geological Society of Hog's Norton._—The fossil remains of an -antediluvian pawnbroker have been dug up, within a mile of this place. -This is not regarded as a very remarkable circumstance, as many recent -instances have been known of the hearts of several persons of this class -being in a petrified state while alive. - -A successful method of converting stones into bread has been transmitted -to the New Poor Law Commissioners, and a three-and-sixpenny medal -presented to the ingenious discoverer thereof. - -_Zoological Society at Hookem Snivey._—A new animal has been transmitted -from No-Man's Land, which has been named the Flat-Catcher. It bears some -resemblance to the human species, as it walks on two legs, and has the -gift of speech. It seems quite in its element when among _pigeons_, and -preys ravenously on the _gulls_ that hover about watering-places, -getting hold of them by a kind of fascination, which throws its -unconscious victims entirely off their guard, when it never fails to -make them bleed profusely; after which, it suffers them to depart. - -A laborious investigator has discovered that there are exactly nine -millions, one hundred and sixty-four thousand, five hundred and -thirty-three hairs on a tom-cat's tail, which he defies all the -zoologists in Europe to disprove. He also maintains that a bull sees -with its horns, and a rat with its tail, although he admits the -possibility of their doing so without them. - -It was stated at the last meeting of this institution, that one of its -members had observed a tremendous water-spout from one of the plugs in -Thames Street; and sensible shocks of an earthquake had been felt at -Puddle-dock. - -_Society of Antiquaries._—Among the antiquities presented at the last -meeting, was one of Cleopatra's corns, and the celebrated Needle with -which she darned her hose; also, a gas-pipe, found at Herculaneum, and -the fragment of a steam-carriage, dug out of the ruins of Palmyra. - -_Entomological Society in GRUB Street._—A very animated conversation -took place on the natural history of the flea, involving many curious -conjectures, such as, whether it had ever been known to have attained -the size of the elephant; whether it was of the same species with the -hog-in-armour and the rhinoceros, or was to be classed among the -_Jumpers_; how high and how often it leaped; whether it always looked -before it leaped; and whether it leaped highest in Leap Year; the -farther discussion of all which queries was deferred till the said Leap -Year. - -_The Horticultural Society of Seven Dials_ has been presented, by the -Society of Antiquaries, with the identical pumpkin converted by the -fairy into Cinderella's chariot. - -_Premiums have been awarded by various learned bodies to the -following_:— - -To Henry Broom, for the application of the crab motion, and the -"do-as-little-as-possible" principle, to the state engine.—To Lord -Durham, in conjunction with the above, for an improved mode of -progression for the said engine, namely, by each pulling the opposite -way.—To Signor Paganini, for an improved mode of extracting gold from -catgut scrapings, and of skinning flints.—To Miss Harriet Martineau, for -a new preventive check-string for the regulation of the fare (_fair_).— -To the proprietor of Morison's Pills for the discovery of the _perpetual -motion_.—To the Society for the Confusion of Useful Knowledge, for their -successful endeavours in be-_Knight_-ing the public intellect. - -[Illustration: - - JUNE. -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │1835.] │ JUNE. │ - ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │Of all the folks, this month you'll see, │ - │ │The DAYS are the _longest_ family; │ - │ │But the gallant Ross, in polar weather, │ - │ │Met one as long as six Months together. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│Quarter │ │ Look for │ - │ │ │RIGDUM FUNNIDOS transcribeth │ │ - │ 2│day │the following seasonable story from │ ♈ ☿ ♍ ♀ ♑ │ - │ │ │the lucubrations of his defunct friend, │ │ - │ 3│rent │_Poor Humphrey_. │ summer │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 4│to │ │ weather │ - │ │ │ HOW TO KILL FLEAS. │ │ - │ 5│pay │ │ ♅ ☊ ♌ │ - │ │ │A notable Projector became notable by │ │ - │ 6│afraid │one project only, which was a certain │ about │ - │ │ │specific for the killing of Fleas; │ │ - │ 7│to stay │and it was in form of a powder, and │ ♄ ☌ ☽ ♏ │ - │ │ │sold in papers, with │ │ - │ 8│bolt │plain directions for use, as │ this time; │ - │ │ │followeth: The flea was to be held, │ │ - │ 9│away │conveniently, between the │ ⚹ ♀ ♈ ♐ ♎ │ - │ │ │fore-finger and thumb of the left │ │ - │10│come │hand; and to the end of the trunk or │ that is │ - │ │ │proboscis, which protrudeth in the │ │ - │11│too │flea, somewhat as the elephant's │ to say, │ - │ │ │doth, a very small quantity of the │ │ - │12│soon │powder was to be put from between │ ♌ ♑ │ - │ │ │the thumb and finger of the right │ │ - │13│cash │hand. And the inventor undertook, │ somewhat │ - │ │ │that if any flea to whom his powder │ │ - │14│affairs │was so administered should prove to │ │ - │ │ │have afterwards bitten a purchaser │ ♉ ♋ ☋ ♅ │ - │15│are │who used it, then that such │ │ - │ │ │purchaser should have another paper │ warm, │ - │16│out of │of the said powder, _gratis_. And it │ │ - │ │ │chanced that the first paper thereof │ ♃ ♂ ⊕ │ - │17│tune │was bought, idly as it were, by an │ │ - │ │ │old woman; and she, without meaning │ perhaps │ - │18│shoot │to injure the inventor or his │ │ - │ │ │remedy, but of her mere │ hot, │ - │19│the │harmlessness, did, innocently as it │ │ - │ │ │were, ask him whether, when she had │ │ - │20│moon │caught the flea, and after she had │ ☍ ♈ ♀ ⚹ ♊ │ - │ │ │got it as before described, if she │ │ - │21│we │should crack it upon her nail, it │ or │ - │ │ │would not be as well. Whereupon the │ │ - │22│fly │ingenious projector was so │ perchance │ - │ │ │dumbfounded by the question, that, │ │ - │23│by │not knowing what to answer on the │ it may be │ - │ │ │sudden, he said, with truth, to this │ │ - │24│night │effect, that, without doubt, her way │ coolish; │ - │ │ │would do, too. │ ♊ ♀ │ - │25│rapid │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ and if │ - │26│flight │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ it raineth │ - │27│very │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ not, │ - │28│quickly │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ it will │ - │29│out of │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ be dry. │ - │30│sight │ │ │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - THE "WISDOM OF OUR ANCESTORS." - -RIGDUM FUNNIDOS lamenteth, that there are, in this our day, among those -who do seek to subvert the venerable usages of our ancestors, divers -vauntings and boastings as to what they do most affectedly and -erroneously term "the growing intelligence of the age,"—"the march of -intellect," and such-like absurd phraseologies. This irreverent spirit -doth manifest itself in unseemly comparisons, between the times which -are past, and those which are present, which do end in a preferring, to -the wisdom of the olden time, their own newfangled and presumptuous -theories. Nay, there be even those who do maintain, that what the -lamented FRANCIS MOORE did, and other equally wise admirers of the -by-gone past do, venerate as the _olden_ time, is, in very sooth, the -_juvenile_ time; inasmuch as time groweth older every day, and, as a -necessary consequence thereof, every succeeding generation groweth -wiser. It profiteth not to waste words on such manifest absurdity; -suffice it therefore to say, that RIGDUM FUNNIDOS hath, with much cost -and travail, assemblaged what may be most worthily intituled, a fair -sample of '_collective wisdom_' wherein will be found, most -conspicuously shown forth, the worthiness of our ancestors to the -designation of _Wise_. - - "Concerning the superstitious use of what is called the Glorious - Hand, or Hand of Glory, by housebreakers in their robberies, we have - the following account:—The pretended use of this glorious hand is to - stupify or stun all those who are present, and render them perfectly - insensible. This glorious hand is the hand of a hanged criminal, - prepared in the following manner:—It is wrapped up in a bit of - winding-sheet, very tight, to force out the small remainder of - blood, then put into an earthen vessel with zimat, saltpetre, salt, - and long pepper, all well pulverised, after which, 'tis left fifteen - days in that pot, then taken out and exposed to the hottest sun of - dog days, till it becomes very dry; and if the sun be not hot - enough, they dry it in an oven heated with fern and vervain; then - they make a sort of candle of the grease of the hanged man, virgin - wax, and Lapland sefanum, and they make use of this glorious hand as - a candlestick, to hold this candle when lighted; and in all places - wherever they come with this fatal instrument, everybody they find - there becomes immoveable. We are also told, that it is to no purpose - for thieves to make use of this glorious hand, if the threshold of - the door, or other places by which they may enter, be rubbed over - with an unguent, composed of the gall of a black cat, the fat of a - white hen, and the blood of an owl, and that this composition be - made in the dog days."—_Tr. of Little Albert_, p. 34. - - "John Weer, in his Book de Prestigus, has drawn up an inventory of - the diabolical monarchy, with the names and surnames of seventy-two - princes, and the seven million four hundred and five thousand nine - hundred and twenty-six devils, errors of computation only excepted, - adding what qualities and properties, and to what purposes they may - serve when invoked."—_Bodin_, p. 404. - - "Thrasillus, a Heathen author, cited by Stobœus, says, that at the - Nile was a stone like a bear, which cured those who were afflicted - with dæmons for as soon as ever it was applied to the noses of - dæmoniacks, the devil immediately left them."—_Bodin_, p. 301. - - "The way to be certainly loved, is, to take the marrow of a wolf's - left foot, and make of it a sort of pomatum, with ambergris and - cyprus powder, carry it about one, and cause the person to smell of - it from time to time."—_Albertus_, p. 12. - - "To prevent differences and a divorce betwixt a man and his wife, - take two quails' hearts, the one of a male, the other of a female, - and cause the man to carry about him the male, and the woman the - female."—_Thiers_, tome 1, p. 389. - - "Place a Toad's heart on a woman's left breast when she sleeps, to - make her tell her secrets."—_Thiers_, tome 1, p. 389. - - - _From_ "MARKHAM'S HORSEMANSHIP." - - _How to doe with a Jaded Horse._—When that your horse is thoroughly - tired, and hath yet much of his journey to do, alight from him, and - cut, from the nighest hedge, a short wande, which you shall jag in - notches with your knife, and, making a hole in the thinnest of his - ear, when he dothe flag in his pace, then saw the stick to and froe - in the hole, which will revive him soe that, until he be entirely - spent, he will not faile to goe. - - _Another way, with the horse of_ a friend, _or that is hired, and - soe that the proper owner shall not know thereof_.—When that your - beast is muche wearied, and hath yet far to travel, get down from - his back, and choose from the road side six smooth round pebbles, of - which you shall put three in his right ear, and tye up the ear with - binde-weed, or long grass, purse-wise; then mount him again and put - him on his mettle, and with the motion of his head the stones in his - ear will rattle seemingly to him like thunder, which will soe - inspirit him that while he hath life in him he will not fail to goe; - and when he doth, after that, slacken of his pace, then tye up three - in his left ear also. - - - _From_ "ONE THOUSAND NOTABLE THINGS." - - _To Staunch the Bleeding of a Wound._—Write these four letters, A O - G L, with the blood of the wound, about the wound. - - _A Medicine for the Toothache._—Take a live Mowle, and put him in a - brass pot, and there let him die, then cut him asunder and take out - the guts, and dry the blood with a cloth, then cut him in quarters, - and hang him on a thred drying by the fire's side; when ye would use - it, lay the fleshy side of it, with bladders of saffron, with a - cloth to your sore. - - Pare the nails of one that hath the Quartan Ague, which, being put - into a linen cloth, and so tied about the neck of a quick eel, and - the same eel put into the water, thereby the ague will be driven - away. - - It is certainly and constantly affirmed, that on Midsummer eve there - is found under the root of mugwort a coal which preserves and keeps - safe from the plague, carbuncle, lightning, the quartan ague, and - from burning, them that bear the same about them: and Mizaldus, the - writer hereof, saith that he doth hear that it is to be found the - same day under the root of plantane; which I know to be of truth, - for I have found them the same day under the root of plantane. It is - to be found at noon. - - You shall stay the bleeding of the nose, if you write with the same - blood, in the forehead of the party that bleeds, these words - following, _Consummatum est_. - - If one do buy Warts of them that have them, and give them a pin - therefor, if the party that hath the warts prick the same pin in - some garment that he wears daily and commonly, the wart or warts, - without doubt, will diminish and wear away privily, and be clear - gone in a short time. - - If you take an oak apple from an oak tree, and in the same you shall - find a little worm, which if it doth fly away, it signifies wars; if - it creeps, it betokens scarcity of corn; if it run about, then it - foreshews the plague. - - Whosoever eateth two walnuts, two figs, twenty leaves of rue, and - one grain of salt, all stamped and mixed together, fasting, shall be - safe from poison or plague that day; which antidote King Mithridates - had used so much, that when he drank poison purposely to kill - himself, it could not hurt him. - - - _From_ "THE ACCOMPLISHED GENTLEWOMAN'S COMPANION." - - _To Cure the Toothache._—If a needle is run through a wood-louse, - and immediately touch the aching tooth with that needle, it will - cease to ache. - - _To Cure the Jaundice._—Take a live Tench, slit it down the belly; - take out the guts, and clap the Tench to the stomach as fast as - possible, and it will cure immediately. - - - _From_ "NATURA EXENTERATA, OR NATURE UNBOWELLED." - - _For the Falling Sicknesse._—Take the jaw bone of a man or a woman, - and beat it into fine powder, and if a woman have the falling - sicknesse, then use the jaw bone of the man; and if it be a man, - then use the jaw bone of the woman; so much of the powder as will - cover a sixpence, put it into wine or any other liquid thing which - you shall like of, and drink it; you may use it as often as you - will, but especially at spring and fall. - - _For the Stone._—Take the blood of a Fox, and make it into powder, - and drink it in wine, and without doubt it shall destroy the stone; - and if you will not believe, take a stone and put it into the blood - of a fox, and it will break. - - _For the Falling Evil._—Take the skull of a dead man, whereon moss - groweth, being taken and washed very clean, and dryed in an oven, - and then beaten to powder; the skull must be of one that hath been - slaine, or died suddenly, or of one that was hanged. - - _To take a Corn out of the Toe._—Take a _black_ snail, roast it in a - _white_ cloth, and when it is roasted, lay it hot to the corn, and - it will take it away. - - Before death this is a sign, if the tears run down of a man's right - eye, and a woman's left eye. - - - ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. - -THE WORSHIPFUL COMPANY OF WISEACRES, having for nearly two centuries, by -the aid of _Francis Moore_, _Richard Partridge_, _Poor Robin, and Co._, -done great service to the community, particularly to the agricultural -portion thereof (by their _seasonable_ directions for getting in the -harvest, &c.), and occasioned great delight and satisfaction to all the -old women of the empire; and having, moreover, employed the most -diligent endeavours to cause good sense and universal intelligence to -remain, as the said Company's craft and mystery do clearly indicate they -should remain—_Stationary_:—for all these reasons, the said Worshipful -Company do take great credit to themselves for the improvements in their -business and calling, which other folks have originated; and confidently -expect the public will, as in times past, always deal at their shop, and -give them full credit for all the wonderful wonders which they promise -henceforth to perform. - - (By order of the Court) - GEORGE GREENHORN, Secretary. - - ┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┐ - │ JULY. │ [1835.│ - ├─────────────┬──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┤ - │ │In this month, follow my advice, │ - │ │Never to slide upon the ice; │ - │ │But if you should be tired of waiting, │ - │ │Why, next month, you may go a-skating. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│What │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ Take note │ - │ 2│shall │ VAUXHALL. │ │ - │ │ │ │ ☽ △ ♓ │ - │ 3│I do │"Dear Jane, will you go to VAUXHALL │ │ - │ │ │ We want just to make up a dozen; │ that, I do │ - │ 4│to get │Papa will stand treat for us all, │ │ - │ │ │ And, be sure, give a hint to your │ │ - │ │ │ cousin. │ │ - │ 5│through │ │ ♊ ☉ ♄ ♂ △ │ - │ │ │There's something so charming about him, │ │ - │ 6│my task │ (I've got a new bonnet and shawl)— │ predict │ - │ │ │I should be quite unhappy without him, │ │ - │ 7│let me │ And careless of even VAUXHALL. │that you may│ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 8│ask │My confession you'll never betray, │ │ - │ │ │ For I'm sure you can manage it all; │ ☽ ♓ ♑ │ - │ 9│I try │When you ask him, don't tell what I say, │ │ - │ │ │ But speak of the charms of VAUXHALL. │ reasonably │ - │10│again │ │ │ - │ │ │You can talk of the songs and the singers,│look for the│ - │11│but │ The orchestra, ballet, and ball; │ │ - │ │ │I shall think that time spitefully lingers│ │ - │12│in vain │ Till when we all meet at VAUXHALL. │ ♍ ☉ ⚹ ♍ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │13│ah! │Say, there's Simpson the brave, who │ weather │ - │ │ │ commanded │ │ - │ │ │ Our troops in the year forty-five; │ │ - │14│you │Who killed Count de Grasse single-handed, │ │ - │ │ │ And took the French army alive. │ ♄ ♃ ♂ ☉ ⚹ │ - │15│say │ │ │ - │ │ │And remember the lamps,—how they're │ being much │ - │ │ │ clustered, │ │ - │16│try │ By thousands and thousands of dozens; │ │ - │ │ │And then the dark walks—how I'm fluster'd │ warmer │ - │17│away │ To think of your dearest of cousins! │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │18│it's all │You can talk of the fireworks so gay, │ ☉ ☽ ⚹ │ - │ │ │ And just mention the ham and the │ │ - │ │ │ chicken— │ │ - │19│my │We'll contrive to get out of the way, │ than │ - │ │ │ While papa makes an end of his picking. │ │ - │20│eye │ │in January; │ - │ │ │I should grieve to think drinking could │ │ - │ │ │ charm him— │ │ - │21│and │ But ere all my project should fall, │ │ - │ │ │If nothing in nature can warm him, │ ♀♄☉ │ - │22│Betty │ Then speak of the punch at VAUXHALL. │ │ - │ │ │ │ nor do I │ - │23│Martin │If all that you say don't avail, │ │ - │ │ │ I must die with vexation and anguish; │ think │ - │24│that's │But I'm sure that your friendship wont │ │ - │ │ │ fail │ │ - │ │ │ Your affectionate │ there is │ - │ │ │ │ great │ - │25│for │ │ │ - │ │ │ LYDIA LANGUISH."│ │ - │26│sartin │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ △ ♓ │ - │27│why │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ likelihood │ - │28│it's │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │29│done! │ │ ♄ △ ♃ ♂ ☉ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │30│what │ │of frost or │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │31│fun! │ │ snow. │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - -[Illustration: - - JULY. -] - -[Illustration: - - AUGUST -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │1835.] │ AUGUST. │ - ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │ In AUGUST,—so the Planets say,— │ - │ │ Every _Dog_ shall have his _Day_; │ - │ │So at _Hounds_ditch they meet, with much frisking and │ - │ │ larking; │ - │ │And proceed to the choice of a Member for _Barking_. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│scamper │RIGDUM FUNNIDOS confesseth to having │ │ - │ │ │purloined the following veritable │ │ - │ 2│away │story; but when or where, his memory │ If the │ - │ │ │deposeth not:— │ │ - │ 3│the │ │ weather │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 4│deuce │ OYSTER DAY. │ ♎ ♅ ☉ ♂ ♍ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 5│to pay │Paddy was sent to Billingsgate, on │ │ - │ │ │the FIRST of AUGUST, to buy a bushel │ hath been │ - │ 6│a mad │of Oysters. When he returned, "What │ │ - │ │ │made you so long, Pat?" said his │ lasting, │ - │ 7│dog is │master. "Long, is it? By my sowl, I │ │ - │ │ │think I've been pretty quick, │ ☽ ♓ ☌ ☍ │ - │ 8│over │considering all things." "Considering │ │ - │ │ │what things?" "Why, considering the │ look for a │ - │ 9│the │gutting of the fish."—"Gutting what │ │ - │ │ │fish?"—"What fish! why the oysthers, │ change; │ - │10│way │to be sure."—"What is it that you │ │ - │ │ │mean?"—"What do I mane! why I mane, │ │ - │11│he's │as I was resting meeself a bit, and │ │ - │ │ │taking a drop to comfort me, a │ ☽ ☿ ♍ │ - │12│bit │jontleman axed me what I had got in │ │ - │ │ │the sack. 'Oysthers, sir,' says I. │ ♄ ☌ ♂ ♊ ♉ │ - │13│a cow │'Let's look at them,' says he, and he │ │ - │ │ │opened the bag. 'Och! thunder and │ I say │ - │14│he's │praties!' said he, 'who sould them to │ │ - │ │ │ye?' 'It was Mick Carney,' said I. │look for it,│ - │15│bit │'Mick Carney!' said he; 'the thief o' │ │ - │ │ │the world! what a big blackguard must │ │ - │16│a sow │he have been to give them to ye │ ♐ ♂ ☍ ☉ ♃ │ - │ │ │without gutting.' 'And aren't they │ │ - │17│he's │gutted?' said I. 'Divil a one o' │ though │ - │ │ │them,' said he. 'Musha, then,' said I, │ │ - │18│bit │'what will I do?' 'Do!' said he, 'I'd │ perhaps a │ - │ │ │sooner do them for you myself than │ │ - │19│my │have you abused!' and so he takes 'em │change will │ - │ │ │in doors, and guts 'em all nate and │ │ - │20│poor │clane, as you'll see." And out Paddy │ come not; │ - │ │ │turned the empty shells on the floor. │ │ - │21│old │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ ♒ ☽ ♉ │ - │22│mongrel │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ in which │ - │23│Toby │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ case, │ - │24│and │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │25│they're │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ ♈ ♃ ♐ ♊ ⚹ │ - │26│raving │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ you will │ - │27│mad │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ do well │ - │28│with │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ to wait │ - │29│the │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │30│hydro- │ │ ☉ ♐ ♃ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │31│phoby │ │ till it │ - │ │ │ │ doth. │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - THE GARDENER'S CALENDAR. - -As I sat at my window a few evenings ago, a loud rattling in the street -drew my attention, and at the same instant an omnibus stopped at my -nextdoor neighbour's, the poulterer. First alighted a servant-maid and -lad—then two or three half-grown boys and girls, intermingled with a -torrent of chattels, consisting of shrubs, flowers, enough live animals -to stock a menagerie, packages past counting, and lastly, Mrs. Giblet in -full feather, arrayed in lily-white, and bearing in each hand a -full-blown balsam. All was safely landed, when a hackney coach drove up -at a quiet pace, and from it descended, with the help of his shopmen and -a pair of crutches, my neighbour, Simon Giblet himself. His legs were -swathed up, his back, for which broadcloth was formerly too narrow, -seemed considerably shrunk, and he looked care-worn and in pain. After -him was borne his second son Dick, apparently disabled too. I had -scarcely seen my neighbour or any of his family for some months past, -but as I had often gossipped in his shop, I determined to go down and -inquire what had befallen him. He had just arrived at his great wooden -chair. His eyes were gleaming with complacency on a goodly row of fatted -fowls, all placed with their delicate, dainty, floury broad behinds -before, and as he plumped into the seat he ejaculated, with a grunt, -"Thank heaven!" A shopman sat in a corner plucking a snow-white pullet. -Giblet looked at him wistfully, and then, "Bring it here, Sam," he -cried. He took it, plucked a few handfuls of feathers, and as he -returned it to Sam, "Thank heaven!" he grunted again. My foot kicked -against something at the threshold. I stooped and picked up a clasped -book, which I presented to him, as I tendered my sympathy. "Oh!" said -he, "nothing but disasters. I've made ducks and drakes of my money, and -a _goose_ of myself; upon my _sole_, it's a blessing that I got away -before Michaelmas. I'm in too much pain to tell you now. Ah! I see -you've picked up my journal. Work or pleasure, I've always made up a -day-book every night. I'll lend it you if you wish to see how I've been -pigeoned. While I stuck to the fowls all went fair with me, but when I -took to that river-bank I was like a duck out of water." I saw my -neighbour was excited, so, after a few consoling words, I retreated, -carrying off his calendar; and here are some extracts, by permission, -for the benefit of all amateur ruralists. - - - DIARY. - -_March 21, 1834._—Mrs. G. bent on a rural retirement, and declaring this -a dog-cheap bargain,—meet Mr. Grabbit to-morrow, pay premium, and take -lease of his snug place at Strand-on-the-Green.—Wife insists on calling -it Cherub Lodge, Paradise Bank.—N.B. Original sum, £600; Grabbit seeming -to like us, abates a hundred entirely as a favour. - -27th.—All safe arrived: only one pier-glass split into four, and best -tea-set, bought as 32 pieces, converted into 32 dozen. However, Mrs. G. -observes, that being by the river side, we must have a marine grotto, -and the pieces of looking-glass, mixed with the bits of blue and gold -china, will make a fine glitter among the moss and shells. - -28th.—Grabbit recommends Isaac Snail as head gardener, and his son Isaac -to help him—says old Isaac was his right hand, and begged to be left in -the house, he was so attached to the garden. - -31st.—Two days' rain, without ceasing; planning with Isaac on the large -kitchen table covered an inch thick with mould—laid down gravel walks of -red garter, and stuck up skewers for fruit trees. - -_April 1._—Rain falling, river rising, cellars filling. - -2nd.—Ducks swimming into the parlour—moved to the first floor for -safety—Musical Tom (my youngest) splashing about bare-legged in the -kitchen, and shouting "four feet water in the hold." A leak sprung in -the next onion field—all my land under water. Dick, perched on -window-sill, angling for roach in the garden. Isaac says we shall get -used to it, and the waters always go off again. Daughter Julia tells me -the people of Egypt would think it quite a blessing—beg to differ. - -7th.—Can just see land.—House left rather slimy.—Isaac and I commence -gardening in earnest.—Distrained on for forty odd pounds, taxes left -unpaid by Mr. Grabbit.—To keep my goods, parted with the money, and -started to town for an explanation—found Grabbit sailed last week for -Swan River. Isaac says he was a worthy gentleman, but had a bad memory— -begin to be of the same opinion. - -9th.—Buried an old hen at the foot of a plum-tree by the light of the -full moon—am told it will then bear egg-plums. - -19th.—Potato eyes always an eye-sore, so have planted a bed with every -eye nicely cut away, by which I hope to grow a crop as smooth as my hand -and as blind as moles.—Look for the Horticultural Society's gold medal -for this bright idea. - -27th.—Wondered my ranunculuses did not come up; just tried one, found I -had planted them all bottom topmost, and they were shooting away down to -what Dick says is the centre of gravity. - -_May_ 3.—Grubbing for grubs among the rose-trees—cucumbers in full -flower—Mrs. Giblet and Julia come to help me—all busy setting the -blossoms—puzzled to tell the male flowers, till Mrs. G. discovered it -all by the book. - -12th.—Tulips splendid yesterday, but flagged this morning; and after -dinner all napping with their heads on the bed—Isaac said it was the -east wind. Thought there might be a grub at the roots, so drew one up— -found no bulb—all the rest the same—somebody had taken away the roots -and stuck the flowers into the ground again. - -13th.—Finished my new hot-water pipes for the conservatory, all heated -by the kitchen fire—a scheme of my own—Cook had a regular flare-up with -so much company yesterday, so the water was boiling hot all day—by night -the plants looked like scalded goose-berries. This morning, all my pipes -united in a _joint-run_ on the cistern, which answered their draughts to -the last, and the spare water from the green-house floor was soaking -into the breakfast parlour. The inventor just arrived—says it's all -quite regular—the cracked joints will close of themselves in time—I -wonder when. - -23rd.—Wrote to the editor of The Gardener's Journal an account of my -plan for growing potatoes without eyes, and the experiments for making -an egg-plum tree. - -_June_ 2.—Vines cut last month, all bled to death.—Surprised that my new -potatoes without eyes have not seen daylight yet.—My letter to the -magazine in print.—Encouraging notice by editor, "Thanks S. G. for -communicating his ingenious discoveries; hopes to hear from him again, -with samples of the new potato and egg-plum." Think I shall disclose -myself, and name the new sort, the Cherub Giblet potato. Most of the -neighbours spoke to me coming out of church yesterday, but little -thought who S. G. was. - -12th.—Suppose I want exercise.—Wife blows me up, and says I get puffy; -so, to keep all smooth with her and the garden walks, drag the great -roller about for two hours, morning and night. - -19th.—Insects in green-house devouring all my new plants; searched book -for a remedy, and last night popped in a pan of burning brimstone. This -morning all the grubs shrivelled to shreds, and every plant dead and -stripped as naked as a plucked chicken. Tom begs to have the green-house -to keep his pigeons in. - -23rd.—Fill up odd time in watching fruit trees with a rattle, for the -birds perch on the sham cats and build nests in the mawkins. What with -opening and shutting the cucumber-frames, according to the sun, wind, -and clouds, plenty to do.—Charged the garden-engine with lime water—set -Dick and Tom to play upon the caterpillars. They have so whitewashed the -three Miss Blackets, that I have two velvet bonnets, a silk pelisse, and -a cashmere shawl to pay for. - -_July_ 3.—Tool-house robbed last night; all cleared out but the garden -roller. Isaac's list for a new outfit—spades, forks, dibbers, trowels, -traces, hoes, rakes, weeders, scrapers, knives, pruners, axes, saws, -shears, scythes, hammers, pincers, lines, levels, sieves, watering-pots, -syringes,—he would have gone on, but I stopped him. - -9th.—Set nooses for wild rabbits, which are devouring everything green, -even the bays. This morning found we had strangled Dick's lop-eared doe. -Tom, who is learning to joke, observed that she had wandered for a -change of food, and had found a _halter_-ation. - -18th.—The Cherub Giblet potatoes not coming up to time, tried the ground -and found them rotting—all gone off without a single shoot.—Mem. To -forget them in my next to The Gardener's Journal. - -24th.—Half my time taken up in driving the butterflies off the -gooseberry trees. Left my weeding-gloves stuck on a stick last night—put -them on this morning, and smashed five slugs in one, and seven earwigs -in the other.—Mem. Old gloves the best slug-trap. - -_August_ 5.—My cucumber frames yield plenty of fruit—have gathered not -less than twenty, worth twopence each—cost me only five pounds six -shillings and sevenpence. - -9th.—Strolled into shrubbery this evening with a lanthorn, for the -pleasure of viewing things in a new light—up started two figures from -among the bushes, tumbled me, lanthorn, and all, into a bed of roses, -and escaped. Mem. 'Stablish a spring gun to-morrow. - -15th.—Wall-fruit ripening—must have a few friends while there is -something for them—fresh-gathered peaches always a treat. - -19th.—Up at six to look after the fruit—all hope of a dessert had -deserted my walls—every ripe plum, peach and nectarine, clean gone, as -though the rogues knew that I had asked ten to dinner. Said nothing, but -sent off Isaac to Covent Garden. Obliged to do it liberally, having -unfortunately been boasting. Looked in book for best man-trap—found it -called the humane, because it only breaks the leg. Mem. Set up a -man-trap to-morrow. - -25th.—My egg-plums ripe at last—sent off a loaded branch to my -correspondent the editor—Letter of thanks in return, saying that my tree -would have produced egg-plums whether I had buried the old hen or not.— -Envious, no doubt. - -_September_ 2.—Terrible outcry in the garden, this morning, before I was -up—ran down in my shirt—unlucky Dick had stolen a march on the egg-plum -tree for a private regale. Branch broke—there he was on his back, -kicking—hives upset—could not see Dick for bees—got help and rescued him -at last—all stung a little—Dick poulticed from head to foot, and laid up -for a month at least. Isaac says it is a thousand pities, as the honey -was almost ready for taking. - -18th.—Went to the Bank to-day—lot of garden tools at old iron-shop in -the City Road—very cheap and ready marked S. G., so bought and -despatched them home—looked up, and saw "Jacob Snail" over door—thought -it rather suspicious. - -19th.—Could not sleep for thinking of Isaac and the tools—bright -moonlight at two—looked through the window—something moving on the -garden wall—saw two men among the bees—seized my musket—called Harry to -follow me—crept down through the shrubs, and there was old Isaac, plain -enough, tying the hives in sacks and handing them to young Isaac on the -wall—made sure of the old fox, so fired at the young one; down he fell -into the ditch outside. Sprung forward, forgetting the spring gun, -caught the wire and all the shot in my legs—never made such a jump in my -life—took me plump, head and shoulders, into the man-trap. There I was -locked fast across the chest. How I blessed myself that it was a humane -man-trap!—Old Isaac escaped.—Here I am in bed and likely to be lame for -life—plenty of time for reflection—begin to think myself an ass. - -23rd.—Old Isaac not to be found—tracked the young fox—brought him to -confession—both been plundering me every night from the beginning. Old -Isaac stole my tools, and his brother sold them to me again. Young Isaac -stole my tulips—together they stole my peaches and nectarines the night -before my party, and the old knave, when I sent him to town for more, -fetched my own from his cottage, and charged me with them. - -25th.—A notice to-day, by which I learn that I have been imposed on by a -swindling knave who had no right to sell me the place or take a premium— -that the owner is coming from the continent and wants instant -possession—never so thankful in my life—better already—pack up—send for -van—hire omnibus for wife, children, and light luggage—go gently myself -with poor Dick in a coach. - -26th.—Here comes the omnibus. Huzza! - -[Illustration: - - SEPTEMBER. -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │1835.] │ SEPTEMBER. │ - ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │Boiling, boiling, stewed in steamers, │ - │ │ Aldgate flares in Margate manners; │ - │ │Fleet Ditch—Shoreditch—both are streamers; │ - │ │ London flags, deserted banners. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│Ods! │ │ If it be │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 2│flints │ THE COCKNEY'S ANNUAL. │ not │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 3│and │There's one thing very wonderful,—indeed, │ ♄ ♂ ☊ ☉ ⚹ │ - │ │ │ it quite astonishes, │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 4│triggers │And of the March of Intellect it forcibly │ ☉ ♀ │ - │ │ │ admonishes, │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 5│double │It shows how wise the people are in every │ seasonable │ - │ │ │ situation │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 6│barrel- │And tho' they love reform, how much they │ weather │ - │ │ │ hate all innovation, │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 7│led │It proves, that tho' unsparingly they root│ │ - │ │ │ out old abuses, │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 8│guns │They have a pious care for things of │ ⚹ ♊ ♈ ☌ │ - │ │ │ venerable uses; │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 9│and │And tho' some folks don't scruple much to │ at │ - │ │ │ talk of revolution; │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │10│per- │And many would not hesitate to change the │ this time, │ - │ │ │ constitution; │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │11│cussion │Yet this one thing's so cherish'd with a │ ♉ ♄ ☉ ♊ ☌ │ - │ │ │ laudable affection,— │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │12│locks │This idol of our ancestors, this mirror │ then │ - │ │ │ for reflection,— │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │13│powder │That in the very centre of fair London's │ will it be │ - │ │ │ gorgeous city, │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │14│horns │It reigns, as in the days of old, to glad │ otherwise; │ - │ │ │ the wise and witty; │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │15│and │Exhibiting the anxious care the Civical │ │ - │ │ │ Nobility │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │16│shot │Feel for the moral purity of London's │ ♀ ☍ ♑ ♌ ☋ │ - │ │ │ chaste mobility: │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │17│pocket │A long harangue I'd make of it, but flinch│ which will │ - │ │ │ from your ferocity, │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │18│pistols │Already rous'd up to the highest pitch of │ be worthy │ - │ │ │ curiosity, │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │19│charged │I'll tell you then what 'tis at once, and │ │ - │ │ │ nothing more shall follow new,— │ │ - │ │ │ │ ☍ ☌ ♄ ☉ │ - │20│with │It is that rural festival—the FAIR OF ST. │ │ - │ │ │ BARTHOLOMEW │ │ - │ │ │ │ of a │ - │21│brandy │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ diligent │ - │22│thick │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │23│soled │ │ ⊕ ♉ ♂ ☿ ♑ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │24│shoes │ │ searching │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │25│and │ │ into │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │26│flab- │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ ♂ ♄ ☉ ♈ │ - │27│ber- │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ the causes │ - │28│de- │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │29│gas │ │ ☌ ⚹ ♀ ⊕ ♄ │ - │ │ │. │ │ - │30│kins │ │ thereof. │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - ┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┐ - │ OCTOBER. │ [1835.│ - ├─────────────┬──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┤ - │ │Old Gripes, the brewer, reads with iron phiz │ - │ │The _Times_, nor cares if hops be "fell" or "riz;" │ - │ │Nor does the malt-tax cause him hope or fear, │ - │ │For malt has no connexion with _his_ beer. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│Now's │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ We look │ - │ 2│the │ THE RETURN TO TOWN. │ │ - │ │ │ │ now for │ - │ 3│time │At length, compell'd by emptying purse │ │ - │ │ │To fly from fleas, and something worse— │ ♉ ☍ ♈ ♀ │ - │ 4│by │The oft-sung strain, "Do let us stay │ │ - │ │ │Another week," is thrown away: │cool weather│ - │ 5│jingo │You talk of rain, and chilly weather, │ │ - │ │ │That cash and days grow short together, │ ⚹ ♏ ♀ │ - │ 6│for │That winds, and clouds, and fogs are come,│ │ - │ │ │All hints to haste from Hastings home; │ ♀ ♃ ⊕ ♎ ♐ │ - │ 7│brewing │So nought remains but just to get, │ │ - │ │ │Before you travel, out of debt; │ which is a │ - │ 8│rare │Glut all the household birds of prey, │ │ - │ │ │Pack your remains, and run away. │ reasonable │ - │ 9│good │At raffles oft you've tried your fate, │ │ - │ │ │And let your gains accumulate, │expectation │ - │10│stingo │And now you wind up all the fun │ │ - │ │ │With ten pounds staked, a sovereign won, │ │ - │11│and │For which you bear away to town │ ☊ ♓ ♑ ♌ │ - │ │ │Gilt paper treasures worth a crown. │ │ - │12│where │No doubt you've tried, like all the rest, │yet hath it │ - │ │ │A little smuggling for a zest; │ │ - │13│is he │Sufficient proof, you've fill'd your jars │ sometimes │ - │ │ │With Cognac made at Smithfield Bars; │ │ - │14│who'd │Your wife has bargain'd for French │ chanced │ - │ │ │ flowers, │ │ - │ │ │All grown in Hatton Garden's bowers; │ │ - │15│dare to │On foreign silks display'd her skill, │ otherwise, │ - │ │ │While Spitalfields supplied her still. │ │ - │16│scorn │And last comes on the dismal day │ │ - │ │ │When daughters slowly slink away, │ ♒ ☿ ♊ ♍ ☽ │ - │17│the │And leave you, warned by gloomy brows, │ │ - │ │ │With money bills, brought up by spouse, │and so I do │ - │18│famous │Debating clauses, which, alas! │ │ - │ │ │You neither can throw out nor pass. │ leave you │ - │19│Sir John │And when you've managed all to pay, │ │ - │ │ │You skulk to town the cheapest way; │ to decide │ - │20│Barley- │Put sixpence in the coachman's hand, │ │ - │ │ │Haggle with Jarvey on the stand, │ upon the │ - │21│corn │And curs'd and bullied, off you sneak, │ │ - │ │ │To pinch at home for many a week. │probability │ - │22│let │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ either way │ - │23│others │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │24│boast of │ │ ♀ ♏ ⚹ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │25│foreign │ │ being not │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │26│wine │ │ unmindful │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │27│a cup │ │ as to what │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │28│of home │ │ the Great │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │29│brew'd │ │ Comet hath │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │30│beer │ │to do in the│ - │ │ │ │ │ - │31│be mine. │ │ matter. │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - -[Illustration: - - OCTOBER. -] - - - ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. - -BRUTISH HUMBUG COLLEGE OF HEALTH.—The wonderful efficacy of the MORISING -PILLS becomes every day more perspicuous. The discerning Public swallows -'em 'like winking;' and we defies all opposition, and the _Weakly_ -attempts of our enemies to _Dispatch_ us. We tells those as calls us -quacks, that, under the blessing of Divine Providence, we glories in our -ignorance; and takes every opportunity of exposing it, for the benefit -of our suffering fellow-creatures. And we have found them a _sovereign_ -remedy for ourselves; having, for a long while, been afflicted with an -emptiness of the chest, and a great deficiency of the _yellow-stuff_, -all which terrible symptoms have speedily disappeared; so we feels in -duty bound to propagate our pills to the remotest prosperity. - -The following are selected out of several millions of cases, furnished -by a single agent, in a most sensible letter, to prove the -never-to-be-enough-wondered-at wonderful efficacy of the Hy-gee-wo-ian -Medicines. - - * * * * * - - MOST RESPECTED SIR, - - Being clearly convinced, from a proper use of my reasoning - faculties, that it is perfectly consistent with probability and good - sense to believe that one medicine, made of I don't know what, by I - don't know who, is certain to cure every disorder, and is equally - efficacious in all ages and constitutions, from the infant of a week - old, to the old man of eighty; and being, moreover, equally well - convinced that it is quite unreasonable to place any sort of trust - or dependence on the prescriptions of men of scientific education, - who have merely devoted their whole lives to the medical - profession;—and, further, being struck with the astounding fact, and - exceeding likelihood, that an universal panacea could only be - reserved for those who are quite innocent of all medical knowledge, - and whose perfect disinterestedness is manifested by their being - contented with the trifling remuneration derived from the credulity - of the British public;—I say, Sir, for all these reasons I have - become a zealous advocate of the Hy-gee-wo-ian medicines. - - Having been appointed your agent, and, therefore, influenced, like - yourself, by the most disinterested motives, I make it a point to - recommend them on all occasions, and always in sufficiently large - doses, on which I observe you lay peculiar stress; and very justly: - for does it not follow, as a matter of course, that if six pills do - a certain quantity of good, six thousand must, as a natural - consequence, do six thousand times as much more good, and the - patient must be six thousand times the better for them? There are - some censorious folks who insinuate that the more pills I sell the - more money I get by them; but I need not assure you that, in this - respect, my motives are quite as disinterested as your own. - - Yours ever to command, - FRANCIS FLEECE'EM. - - _P.S._—Please to send me a dozen wagon loads of No. 1 Pills, and the - same of No. 2 Pills, as early as possible. I hand you the following - cases, which have come under my own knowledge:— - - * * * * * - - _To the Haygent for the Morising Pils._ - - ONERR'D SUR, - - This hear kums 2 akwaint you that havein lost my happytight i tuk to - takein your Morising Pils witch i only begun with takein 5 hundred - hat a time witch had the blessed defect of turnin me inside out and - I felt in a wery pekooliar citywation witch discurraged me 2 - parsewere and i tuk 1 thousen hat a doze by witch I was turned - outside in by witch my happytight was kwite discuvvered witch was a - grate blessin for my whife who is bigg in the famylyar way with 12 - smal childern with grate happytights all threw your pils and I ham - now Abel to wurk and yarn my 12 shillin a weak So no more hat presnt - from your - - umbel Serv't to command - GREGORY GUDGEON. - - No. 9, - Nobody-knows-where Street, - Jericho, - Feb. the 32nd, 1836. - - * * * * * - - SIR, - - A most respectable friend of mine, at the suggestion of a worthy - magistrate of Surrey, felt himself constrained to take steps for his - improvement at that celebrated place of fashionable resort, Brixton - Tread Mill. - - For a considerable period he was greatly delighted with this elegant - mode of recreation; and was much struck with the ingenuity of an - invention by which a person might walk fifty or sixty miles a day, - without the inconvenience of changing the scene. But, somehow or - other, being a man of very ardent temperament, he entered so much - into the spirit of the amusement that—but I scarcely know how to - describe it, lest I should be suspected of exaggeration, a fault I - hold in the greatest abhorrence—in short, we have all of us heard of - pedestrians, after a hard day's travel, complain of having nearly - walked their feet off; but my unfortunate friend literally did so; - and so intent was he on his salubrious pastime that he kept walking - on upon his bare stumps; nor would it have been discovered, had not - his feet, on finding that they had no longer the power of motion, - determined that nothing else should have that power; and spitefully - stopped the mill, by getting entangled in the machinery. - - The kind-hearted governor, who witnessed the occurrence, told my - friend not to mind such a trifle, but to _morris on_. This happy - expression brought to his mind your justly famous _Morrissing - Pills_; and being naturally desrious of recovering his footing, a - messenger was _morrissed off_ for a supply. At the first dose, he - only swallowed a dozen boxes, which had no very visible effect; a - thing not to be wondered at; because, as you justly observe in your - advertisements, it is impossible to take too many. The following - night, however, he trebled the quantity; and, next morning, being - awakened by what seemed the shooting of his corns, he put his hand - down, and found a pair of full-grown handsome feet, more than twice - as big as his old ones. I should observe, there was one trifling - deviation,—the heels were foremost; and, on getting out of bed, and - attempting to walk towards the mill, he found an invariable tendency - to proceed in an opposite direction. On the circumstance being - observed by the governor, he very kindly told him not to afflict - himself on that head, as he found all his pupils at first had a - similar propensity; but, by a strict attention to a bread-and-water - regimen, and a small quantity of blood being drawn from the back by - one of his amiable assistants, they soon so far recovered, that the - mere presence of himself, or one of his assistants, was quite - sufficient to prevent a relapse. My friend suggested that a dose, or - even the promise of a dose, of the _Morrissing Pills_ would be much - more certain to prove efficacious; and the governor very politely - promised to give them a trial, as he confessed, he said, that the - operation of bleeding was particularly painful to his tender - feelings. - - As to the inconvenience of the matter in the ordinary business of - life, my respected friend seems to think that it can make but little - difference, as he has always gone backward all his life-time; - indeed, it is a question with him whether it is not an advantage; - as, instead of mixing in mobs and frays, as he was very much in the - habit of doing, his feet will now carry him in a clean contrary - direction, quite out of harm's way. - - I remain, respected Sir, - Your gullible Servant, - GILES GOSLING. - - No. 1, - Find-it-out-if-you-can Lane, - No-where Street. - - * * * * * - - SIR, - - I beg to inform you that a poor man was blown to atoms by the - explosion of the Powder Mills on Hounslow Heath. His affectionate - wife, who happened to be passing at the time, carefully picked up - the fragments, and placed them together; and, by administering a - dose of the Universal Medicine, he was able to walk home, and eat a - hearty dinner of bacon and cabbage. - - If any person should doubt the truth of the above statement, I beg - you will refer them to me, when I will fully satisfy all inquiries. - I am easily _found out_,—as _everybody knows me_. - - Your obedient Servant, - GILES GAMMON. - - No. 1, Blarneygig Place, - Salisbury Plain, - next door to Stonehenge. - - _P.S._—I forgot to add, that the poor woman, in the hurry of the - moment, made a small mistake, by placing the head of a donkey, which - had been blown off by the explosion, upon her husband's shoulders, - instead of his own; but she says it is of very little consequence, - as very few of his acquaintance could perceive any difference. - - ┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┐ - │ NOVEMBER. │ [1835.│ - ├─────────────┬──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┤ - │ │Now razors and ropes are in great requisition; │ - │ │So I humbly propose that 'the House' we petition │ - │ │(To prevent this sad use of the halter and knife), │ - │ │That each _felo de se_ be transported _for life_. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│fogs │ │ │ - │ │ │ │By the past │ - │ 2│bogs │ GUNPOWDER PLOT. │ │ - │ │ │ │ ♅ ☋ ♌ ♃ ♓ │ - │ 3│and │ 'Tis good to remember │ │ - │ │ │The FIFTH of NOVEMBER, │ we do │ - │ 4│vapours │Gunpowder, treason, and plot; │ │ - │ │ │ There's abundance of reason │ predict of │ - │ 5│blue │ To think of the treason, │ │ - │ │ │Then why should it e'er be forgot? │the future, │ - │ 6│devilry │ │ │ - │ │ │ Our sympathies thrive │ by which │ - │ 7│capers │ By keeping alive │ │ - │ │ │Such sweet little hatreds as these; │ I do │ - │ 8│good │ And folks love each other │ │ - │ │ │ As dear as a brother, │discern the │ - │ 9│bye │Whose throat they are ready to squeeze. │ │ - │ │ │ │ likelihood │ - │10│hope │ I delight in the joys │ │ - │ │ │ Of the vagabond boys, │ │ - │11│welcome │When they're burning Guy Vaux and the │ ⚹ ♀ ♈ ☍ │ - │ │ │ Pope; │ │ - │ │ │ It the flame keeps alive, │ │ - │12│rope │ It makes bigotry thrive, │ of the │ - │ │ │And gives it abundance of scope. │ │ - │13│dangling │ │ weather │ - │ │ │ 'Tis a beautiful truth │ │ - │14│strangling│ For the minds of our youth, │ being │ - │ │ │And will make 'em all Christians indeed; │ │ - │15│frowning │ For the Church and the State │ │ - │ │ │ Thus to teach 'em to hate │ ♈ ☍ ♉ ♋ ♎ │ - │16│drowning │All those of a different creed. │ │ - │ │ │ │ in some │ - │17│oh! │ It is two hundred years │ │ - │ │ │ Since our ancestors' fears │ sort the │ - │18│Johnny │Were arous'd by this blood-thirsty fox; │ │ - │ │ │ But often, since then, │ │ - │19│Bull │ Our parliament men │ ♈ ☊ ♍ │ - │ │ │Have been awfully _blown up_ by _Vaux_. │ │ - │20│what a │ │ same as │ - │ │ │ Now, they cannot deny │ │ - │21│silly │ They're afraid of their Guy; │ usual, │ - │ │ │And some of them earnestly hope, │ │ - │22│old │ He may fancy a swing │ │ - │ │ │ At the end of a string; │ ♊ ♒ ☿ ♍ │ - │23│fool! │And they promise him plenty of rope. │ │ - │ │ │ │ unless the │ - │24│wait │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ Comet do │ - │25│to the │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ make an │ - │26│end │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ alteration │ - │27│and │ │ │ - │ │ │ │therein as I│ - │28│all │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ have │ - │ │ │ │ heretofore │ - │29│will │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ noted. │ - │30│mend │ │ │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - -[Illustration: - - NOVEMBER. -] - -[Illustration: - - DECEMBER. -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │1835.] │ DECEMBER. │ - ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │At length, I've come to the end of my tether; │ - │ │I've told you all about the weather, │ - │ │And a great deal more, take it altogether, │ - │ │So now my twelvemonth's work is done, │ - │ │I'm your obedient,—RIGDUM FUN. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│head │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ Take note, │ - │ 2│back │ BOXING DAY. │ │ - │ │ │ │ ☌ ♉ ⚹ ♀ ♊ │ - │ 3│belly │Of all the joys the seasons bring, │ │ - │ │ │ (And most, alas! have flown away,) │ frost │ - │ 4│knees │I dearly do delight to sing │ │ - │ │ │ The pleasures of a BOXING DAY. │ and snow │ - │ 5│teeth │ │ │ - │ │ │For then a host of smiling folks │ ♓ ♐ │ - │ 6│toes │ Are anxious their respects to pay, │ │ - │ │ │And tell me (would it were a hoax!) │ may be │ - │ 7│nose │ That, 'if I please,' it's BOXING DAY. │ │ - │ │ │ │ expected │ - │ 8│aching │Those doleful Waits, who've lain in wait, │ │ - │ │ │ To scare my balmy sleep away, │this month, │ - │ 9│quaking │Like bravoes, who've despatch'd their job,│ │ - │ │ │ Now claim reward on BOXING DAY. │ │ - │10│chattering│ │ ⚹ ♄ ♓ ☉ ♄ │ - │ │ │The Milkmaid, who deals out sky-blue, │ │ - │11│clattering│ (Her tally's double-scor'd, they say,) │ but │ - │ │ │With smiling face, of rosy hue, │ │ - │12│freezing │ A curtsey drops on BOXING DAY. │be not sure │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │13│sneezing │The Baker's man, who brings me bread │ of their │ - │ │ │ As heavy as a lump of clay, │ │ - │14│O rare │And _bricks_ as hard as any _stone_, │ coming, │ - │ │ │ I can't refuse on BOXING DAY. │ │ - │15│Christmas │ │ ♀ ♐ ♄ ♑ ♊ │ - │ │ │As I was walking in the street, │ │ - │16│fare │ I met the Butcher with his tray; │ then shall │ - │ │ │He thrust the corner in my eye,— │ │ - │17│a fig │ I'll think of him on BOXING DAY. │ you │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │18│for care │The Scavenger, who plaster'd me, │ not be │ - │ │ │ When dress'd in wedding-suit so gay, │ │ - │19│kiss │Now hopes I 'von't forget, d'ye see, │disappointed│ - │ │ │ As how that this here's BOXING DAY.' │ │ - │20│below │ │ │ - │ │ │My house on fire—no turncock found; │ ♐ ☽ ♀ ♉ │ - │21│the │ My house burnt down—he came to say, │ │ - │ │ │He hop'd that I'd reward his zeal, │ and │ - │22│misteltoe │ And think of him on BOXING DAY. │ │ - │ │ │ │ if it be │ - │23│laugh │The Bellman, Dustman, Chimney-sweep, │ │ - │ │ │ Bring up the rear in smart array, │ │ - │24│quaff │And all get drunk, and strip to fight, │ ♃ ☌ ♈ ⊕ ♐ │ - │ │ │ To prove it is a BOXING DAY. │ │ - │25│never │ │fine summer │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │26│fear │ │ weather, │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │27│with │ │ then │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │28│merry │ │I say again │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │29│glee │ │ ♐ ♀ ☉ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │30│conclude │ │bethink you │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │31│the year │ │of the Comet│ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - VALEDICTION. - - Farewell, my merry gentlemen,—let nothing you dismay; - But take good heart, for tho' we part, we'll meet another day; - I hope, next year, when, never fear, I'll have enough to say, - And bring tidings of comfort and joy. - - To start fair game has been my aim, and make imposture smart; - To raise a laugh at many a calf the object of my heart, - And "shoot at Folly as she flies," and fix her with my dart; - And it's all for your comfort and joy. - - Now don't despise my prophecies, and think 'em only jokes, - They're just as true, I promise you, as those of other folks; - And while old MOORE is such a bore, 'tis harmless sure to hoax, - For it's all for your comfort and joy. - - "Let TURKEY fear the Christmas near"—and ducks, if they are young, - And apropos of _Quacks_,—the _game_ is up with Doctor Long, - But tho' we've lost the _rubber_, we've in _tricks_ been pretty strong, - And it's all for your comfort and joy. - - We've toll'd the bell that rings the knell of Morison and Co., - And _floor'd_ the funny Chancellor, with all his Penny Show, - Who veers about to show the folk which way the wind doth blow, - And it's all for your comfort and joy. - - Our most uncommon Commons, and our very peerless Peers, - In clearing off _old scores_, have burnt the house about their ears; - Of such a nest of phœnixes I own I had my fears, - But 'twas all for their comfort and joy. - - Now let not those who've 'scaped my blows believe that I am fickle, - For many a "Pure," who looks demure, I've put a rod in pickle, - And if I'm here another year their backs I'll smartly tickle, - So there's tidings of comfort and joy. - - - =Moral.= - - WHILE WE VENERATE - WHAT IS DESERVING OF VENERATION, - LET US NOT FORGET, THAT - QUACKERY, KNAVERY, BIGOTRY, AND SUPERSTITION, - ALWAYS MERIT - EXPOSURE AND CASTIGATION. - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1836. - - -[Illustration] - - - PROCLAMATION. - - Whereas some evil-minded folks, - It ill becomes to crack such jokes, - Have made a most unseemly rout, - By spreading false reports about, - That FRANCIS MOORE, the fam'd _Physician_, - Is _still alive_, in sound condition; - And all we said about his dying, - Last year, was nothing else but lying; - Our gravity was all a hoax,— - Our sober sayings only jokes— - 'Twas but a trick to gain his pelf, - And lay the Conj'ror on the shelf, - That he might be as much forgotten - As tho' _in earnest_ dead and rotten; - And thereby fill with consternation - The _ancient female population_. - To prove this true, they say that MOORE, - Who, they assert, is _not_ "NO MORE," - Gives out predictions quite as clever, - And full of sense and truth,—_as ever_! - Shade of the mighty Seer! look down, - And blast the wretches with thy frown! - _Thou_ know'st on _us_ thy mantle fell; - Thou know'st, too, that it fits us well. - - But baser caitiffs go much further, - And tax us with committing _murther_! - They swear we burst into his room, - And quickly seal'd his dreadful doom; - For that we hocuss'd first his drink, - Then poison'd him with _writing ink_; - And having thrown him on the floor, - We basely _burk'd_ the gracious MOORE! - - They vow we did this bloody deed - That we might to his fame succeed; - But good, they say, can't come of ill, - For let us do whate'er we will, - We never shall,—and that is plain,— - The _fools_ or the _old women_ gain. - - Now, to confirm this idle talk, - They swear they've seen his spectre walk; - And that he's got a strange vagary, - At times, to be quite STATIONARY, - And haunt a certain place, where he - Affects Old Women's COMPANY, - Who, spite of all we've sung or said, - Cannot believe that he is dead, - But to persuade themselves they try - That FRANCIS MOORE can _never_ die! - - Now, having gather'd facts like these - (Enough to cause one's blood to freeze), - We've issued forth this Proclamation - To all the lieges of the nation, - (Surmounted by MOORE'S arms and crest, - Of which by right we've 'come possest,) - To seize the knave, and maul him sore, - Who passes off for FRANCIS MOORE; - (That is, if any such there be, - Of which we're much in dubity) - For FRANCIS MOORE, whom we succeed, - Is _very—very dead_, indeed. - - But should it prove a real ghost, - Who, with a _Fool's-cap_, takes his _Post_, - To grasp the _Crown_ we've fairly got, - We warn him he shall go to _Pot_, - And in the Red Sea soon be _laid_; - Or to his _warm_ berth posted back, - Where he'll be _hotpress'd_ in a crack, - Unless his exit's quickly made; - For none but nincompoops and fools - Let "dead men push them from their stools." - - (Signed) RIGDUM FUNNIDOS. - - ┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────┬──────────────────┐ - │ JANUARY. │ [1836.│ - ├─────────────┬────────────────────────────────────┴──────────────────┤ - │ │"Kind Reader!" (as old Francis always said,) │ - │ │Beware of counterfeits, for Frank is dead; │ - │ │Some Quack survives—_physician_—if he will, │ - │ │To swallow, of _our physic_, many a pill. │ - │ │We'll spread the caustic 'midst the town's applause, │ - │ │And thank the public that the blister _draws_. │ - ├──┬──────────┼────────────────────────────────────┬──────────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼────────────────────────────────────┼──────────────────┤ - │ 1│When it │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ My │ - │ 2│freezes │ "HARD FROST." │ │ - │ │ │ │ profound │ - │ 3│and │The day is clear, the frost is │ │ - │ │ │ hard,— │ │ - │ │ │ I very much incline, │ │ - │ 4│blows │As I'm a _dab_, to have a _skate_ │ △ ⚹ ☉ │ - │ │ │ Upon the SERPENTINE. │ │ - │ 5│take │ │ │ - │ │ │There's Mr. Tait,—he cuts an eight; │prognostifications│ - │ 6│care of │ He cannot cut a nine; │ │ - │ │ │And I could cut as good a _figure_ │ │ - │ 7│your │ On the SERPENTINE. │ of the │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 8│nose │I _hate_ the _eight_ of Mr. Tait, │ │ - │ │ │ For he's no friend of mine; │ weather │ - │ 9│that it │He used me once so ungenteely │ │ - │ │ │ On the SERPENTINE. │ │ - │10│doesn't │ │ │ - │ │ │For in the _tête_ of Mr. Tait │ ☿ △ ♂ ☉ ⚹ │ - │11│get │ There harbour'd a design, │ │ - │ │ │To break the ice with Sophy Price │ for │ - │12│froze │ Upon the SERPENTINE. │ │ - │ │ │ │ the past │ - │13│and │He cut in there, and cut me out │ │ - │ │ │ Of my sweet Valentine, │ year │ - │14│wrap up │Which cut quite cut me to the heart,│ │ - │ │ │ Upon the SERPENTINE. │ │ - │15│your │ │ │ - │ │ │She cut me, while I thought that I │ □ ☌ ⚹ ☉ │ - │16│toes in │ Was cutting such a shine, │ │ - │ │ │By cutting out her pretty name │ have all │ - │17│warm │ Upon the SERPENTINE. │ │ - │ │ │ │ proved │ - │18│worsted │So, Billy, bring my polish'd │ │ - │ │ │ skates,— │ │ - │ │ │ My love I wont resign; │ so correct, │ - │19│hose. │She meets her _knight_, I know, │ │ - │ │ │ _to-day_, │ │ - │ │ │ Upon the SERPENTINE. │ │ - │20│At │ │ │ - │ │ │And if my _sweet_ wont follow │ □ ♄ │ - │ │ │ _suite_, │ │ - │21│night │ But still my _suit_ decline, │ │ - │ │ │The thaw I'll wait, to seal my fate,│ □ ☿ ♄ △ ♂ │ - │22│ere you │ All _in_ the SERPENTINE. │ │ - │ │ │ │ and │ - │23│slip │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ I have │ - │24│into │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │25│bed │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ ☉ □ △ │ - │26│you │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ herein, │ - │27│may │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ as well as │ - │28│sip a │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │29│can of │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ ☍ ☌ △ ♄ │ - │30│good │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ in all │ - │31│flip. │ │ │ - └──┴──────────┴────────────────────────────────────┴──────────────────┘ - -[Illustration: - - JANUARY.—"Hard Frost." -] - - - SLANGOLOGY. - - "With many holiday and _court-like_ phrase—" - - _Shakespeare's Henry IV., Part I._ - - MISS ARABELLA WILHELMINA WIGGINs is the pattern of gentility: - She never utters vulgar words, but talks just like nobility. - I met her at Vauxhall, last year, and she gave me a sad relation - About Miss Briggs: I recollect it every word;—but here's her own - narration: - "Oh, dear! my dear Miss Popkins! have you heard what befel Miss B.? - (I wish, Papa, you'd get _up to snuff_ the lights; one can hardly see: - Oh, la! you've made 'em _flare up so_, I declare we are quite in a - blaze: - And, bless me! there's all the people staring at us, all in amaze!) - I'll tell you, while Papa is taking his _punch_; _his pipkin_ he calls - the bowl, - (You _make yourself scarce_ any punch at home, Papa; so I suppose - you'll drink the whole). - I'm sure he will, Miss P.; and even then he wont have quench'd his - drouth. - (I really wonder, Pa', how you can pour so much punch _down in the - mouth_.) - But how I rattle on! quite forgetting all about Miss B. - You must know we were on a visit at a country cousin's; and after tea - We stroll'd about with Mr. Timbs, and Mr. Figgins, and Mr. Oddy;— - I declare _there he goes with his eye out_-staring every body. - Poor fellow! he has but one, for the other's made of glass; - 'Twas a sad accident; and I'll tell you how it came to pass:— - One night, he went out rabbit-_shooting_; _the moon_ was shining - bright; - His gun was overloaded and bursted; and so one eye lost its sight. - Well, Miss Briggs is a very bold girl; as bold a girl as one knows; - And as we were walking along, the laundress caught _my eye; and_ - '_Betty Martin_,' says Miss B., '_where do you hang out_ your clothes?' - She came to a well after that; and, really, I am almost ashamed to - tell, - But, upon my word, she behav'd exceedingly ill about that well. - She began to _kick the bucket_; and to a man who was chopping down a - tree, - She said: 'What are you with that _axe about_?' which was very rude - indeed of Miss B.; - And when he left off chopping, she said, 'Why don't you _cut your - stick_?' - The man was just then chopping a piece of wood that was thick. - Now this made him quite confus'd; and in his hurry his skill to show - off, - He made a slip with his axe, and chopped poor Miss Brigg's little toe - off. - The shock gave me such a terrible pain all over _my eyes and limbs_, - That I really should have fainted, if it hadn't been for that dear Mr. - Timbs. - Poor Frederick Figgins was so affected that I vow he began to cry; - I'm sure he did, for I was close to him, and I saw a _drop in his eye_. - He's a _nice young man_; and _I shouldn't wonder_ if he soon married - Miss Briggs: - Her father is a coarsish man, and says he shall, _please the pigs_. - He wasn't very gracious, tho', at first, to Mr. Figgins; - For when he ask'd his consent, he said to him (I had the whole story - from Mr. Higgins) - '_How are you off? for soap_ and candles, and such-like, got me all my - money; - And for my daughter to marry a poor man wouldn't be vastly funny. - _How's your mother_ left you; or have you your fortune to get? - If you have _I wish you may get it_ soon; but I can't let you marry - Miss Bet; - But while I'm describing his bluntness, I'm wand'ring away from my - point. - The limbs of my relation are indeed terribly out of joint. - Well, Mr. Figgins help'd Miss B. home to _hop_: _the twig_, which - happen'd to lay across her foot, - Sav'd her other toes, to be sure, but there was a terrible large gash - in her boot. - But poor Mr. F.! how he _fretted_! _his fat_ cheeks than a mummy's were - thinner; - He never could eat any breakfast, and seldom could eat any dinner. - His eyes were once bright as a _star_: _the glaze_ on them now was - quite ghostly; - A cloud seem'd to _darken his day_—_light_some and gay he'd been - mostly. - A party he join'd at Vauxhall; but its gaieties fail'd to delight him: - He did nothing but swallow rack-punch; as to eating, 'twas vain to - invite him. - He call'd to his friend: '_Jemmy Johnson, squeeze me_ a lemon;' and - turning to me then, - He said, in a voice that quite shock'd me, and looking as wild as a - heathen: - 'My spirits I cannot _keep up; your pluck_'d flowers droop slower than - I do; - I'm sure that I make _no mistake_,—my fate will be that of poor Dido.' - (I declare I am talking pentameters; quite forgetting you're not a Blue - Stocking; - But that I am sure you'll excuse.)—Well, isn't the story quite - shocking? - Miss Briggs, tho', got quite well at last; to the dolefuls he bade - adieu quickly; - Yet a long while he talk'd of her death, though he no longer look'd - mournful and sickly. - '_All round my hat_, while I liv'd,' he said, 'a crape hatband I - should have worn,— - _A shocking bad hat_, to be sure; but just fit for a lover forlorn. - Think what would have been my despair, with no consolation to go to! - But tho' I have not lost her quite, yet, alas! I have lost her in - _toe-toe_.'" - - - Paragraphs Extraordinary. - -[ADVERTISEMENT.]—We never admit puffs into our paper in any disguise or -under any circumstances, for we are sure that "the man who would make" -_a puff_ "would pick a pocket." It is a love for veracity alone that -induces us to state, that MONSIEUR CHARLATAN'S TUSKOLATUM MYSTIFICATUM -for renewing decayed TEETH is the most wonderful and surprisingly -efficacious invention ever invented. How will those ancient maidens -rejoice, who have only a colt's tooth in their heads, when they are -told, that by sowing this panacea in their gums overnight, a fine crop -of full-grown grinders will sprout up by the following morning! We speak -from our own experience; and whereas, before we used this extraordinary -invention, our great anxiety was how to get teeth for our food, the only -matter that now troubles us is how to get food for our teeth. - - * * * * * - -ACCIDENTS.—We are happy to state that there is a great diminution in the -number of accidents in the past week. Only 250 persons have been drowned -by steam-boats; 320 women and children burnt to death by their clothes -catching fire; 560 run over by omnibusses and cabs; 252 poisoned by -taking oxalic acid instead of salts; 360 scalded to death by the -bursting of steam-boilers; 200 blown to atoms by the explosion of -powder-mills; and about 100—there or thereabouts—stabbed by drunken -soldiers, off duty; all which evinces a great increase of vigilance, -carefulness, and humanity, highly creditable to all parties concerned. - -[Illustration: - - FEBRUARY.—"Transfer Day at the Bank." -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │1836.] │ FEBRUARY. │ - ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │Look, Mrs. B——, what a crowd I see, │ - │ │ And the bells they make such a clatter; │ - │ │And the people run, and I hear a gun! │ - │ │ Whatever can be the matter? │ - │ │ │ - │ │Mrs. C——, my dear, it's no good, I fear, │ - │ │ For us honest women and our spouses, │ - │ │For the people say, the King's going to-day, │ - │ │ To open two _very bad houses_. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│In │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 2│this │ "TRANSFER DAY." │ other │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 3│gay │As I was walking past the Bank, │ matters, │ - │ │ │ (I know not why I stroll'd that way,) │ │ - │ 4│month │I saw a lady tall and lank, │ ☽ ☍ │ - │ │ │ With golden ringlets mix'd with grey; │ │ - │ 5│I │And as she tripp'd, or strove to trip, │ ☋ ♅ ♑ ♎ ⚹ │ - │ │ │ Adown the steps, so light and gay, │ │ - │ 6│would │The greasy granite made her slip, │ so │ - │ │ │ And down she fell on TRANSFER DAY. │ │ - │ 7│not │ │ worthily │ - │ │ │I rais'd her up with gallant air; │ │ - │ 8│choose │ For I'm a Major on half-pay, │ stepped │ - │ │ │Who only live to serve the fair, │ │ - │ 9│to │ At any time, in any way: │ │ - │ │ │And while she blush'd a purple hue, │ │ - │10│walk │ Her eyes obliquely shot a ray, │ ♃ ☉ ♐ ♋ ♉ │ - │ │ │Which seem'd to say, "You will not rue │ │ - │11│the │ Your service on a TRANSFER DAY." │ into the │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │12│streets │And while the glance she threw at me │shoes of my │ - │ │ │ Was thro' my heart a-making way; │ │ - │13│in │I straight began a colloquy, │ │ - │ │ │ And to myself I thus did say: │ │ - │14│dancing │If tradesmen, when their bills they bring,│ │ - │ │ │ Would be contented with _half-pay_; │ ♊ ☿ ⚹ │ - │15│shoes │I'd soar aloft on freedom's wing, │ │ - │ │ │ Nor care a rush for TRANSFER DAY. │ renowned │ - │16│nor │ │ │ - │ │ │But needy men the needful need; │ │ - │17│would │ So, spite of ringlets golden grey, │ │ - │ │ │And eyes that squint, I'll take the hint, │ ☍ ☿ │ - │18│I │ Nor throw the lucky chance away. │ │ - │ │ │Full soon I found—ah! pleasing sound!— │predecessor,│ - │19│for │ With wealth she could my love repay; │ │ - │ │ │No longer mute, I urg'd my suit, │ │ - │20│the │ Upon that very TRANSFER DAY. │ │ - │ │ │ │ ♀ ♂ ☿ │ - │21│world │I leave untold our courtship fond:— │ │ - │ │ │ I made her Mrs. Major Cox; │ the great │ - │22│be │And in return for Hymen's _bond_, │ │ - │ │ │ She kindly placed me in the _stocks_. │ FRANCIS │ - │23│seen │Her heart is good, her temper mild; │ │ - │ │ │ She rules with more than _sov'reign_ │ MOORE, │ - │ │ │ sway; │ │ - │24│to │Nor have I thought myself beguil'd, │ │ - │ │ │ Or once regretted TRANSFER DAY. │ =Defunct=, │ - │25│trip │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │26│along │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ ♊ ☌ ⊕ ♓ │ - │27│in │ │ │ - │ │ │ │which shoes,│ - │28│light │ │ │ - │ │ │ │by-the-bye, │ - │29│nankeen. │ │ │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - _Humbuggum Ass-trologicum, pro Anno 1836._ - - _VOX MULTORUM, VOX STULTORUM: the Voice of the Many is the Voice of - a Zany.—It brawleth at all Places and Seasons._ - -[Illustration] - - COURTEOUS READER, - -I DO herewith, present thee with an hieroglyphic, after the accustomed -usage of my lamented precursor and prototype, FRANCIS MOORE, defunct. It -prefigureth a mighty change now lying in the womb of futurity, and which -doubtless will be brought forth in due season by the great man-midwife, -Time. - - * * * * * - -And now do I most entreatingly invite thee to cast a Parthian glance at -my foregone prophetic lucubrations, and especially towards that -symbolical prefiguration or _hieroglyphic_, by which I brightly shadowed -forth _a certain notable event_, the fulfilment whereof did so closely -follow the heels of the prediction as to cause the multitude to marvel;— -and when thou hast sufficiently pondered thereupon, I would ask thee -whether thou dost not in verity deem me a fit and worthy successor of -the renowned FRANCIS MOORE, defunct? - -I do thus throw myself on thy candour, because certain of mine -adversaries do most unworthily insinuate, that my astrological skill is -stark naught; that I hold no correspondence with the stars; that I am no -more acquainted with the Great Bear than with the Great Mogul; that I -gather no signs of the Times from the signs of the Zodiac; and, in -brief, that I am _no conjuror_! My only familiar, they affirm, is a -little, insignificant, diminutive thing, called _Common Sense_, whose -aid any one may have if he chooses; that the said _Common Sense_ -collects together certain things called _Past Events_, with which he -compares _Present Appearances_, and they help him to _Future -Probabilities_; they are then put into the crucible of _Ordinary -Judgment_; and my sagacious and veracious prophecies and hieroglyphics -are the result of this simple alchemy! - -CANDID READER! Let thine own discretion decide, whether logical judgment -or astro-logical fudgement be the art which influenceth my lucubrations. - - * * * * * - - - INVITATION OF "THE SELECT" - To - Bartholomew Fair. - - COME, buffers and duffers, and dashers and smashers, - Come, tag, rag, and bobtail, attend to my call; - Ye pickpockets, sally from court, lane, and alley, - The LORD MAYOR in person has open'd the ball. - Come, Billingsgate sinners, and cat and dog skinners, - And play up a game to make Decency stare: - A fig for propriety, sense, and sobriety! - They never were known at fam'd BARTLEMY FAIR. - - Come, nightmen and dustmen, and rovers and drovers; - Come, Whitechapel butchers, and join in the throng! - With marrow-bones and cleavers, delight the coal-heavers, - While broken-nose Billy shall snuffle a song. - Ye lazy mechanics, who dearly love one day, - For wives and for children who never know care; - Who reckon Saint Monday more holy than Sunday, - Come and spend all your earnings at BARTLEMY FAIR. - - Ye wives and ye widows! here's plenty of bidders; - Come hither, and each get a swain for herself; - To deck yourselves gaily, and grace the Old Bailey, - The pawnbrokers' shops will lend plenty of pelf. - Ye youth of the city! ye servant-maids pretty! - Ye unmarried damsels with characters rare! - Come here and be jolly, for virtue's a folly; - So, come and be ruin'd at BARTLEMY FAIR. - - ┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┐ - │ MARCH. │ [1836.│ - ├─────────────┬──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┤ - │ │Some ready cash Dick wants to borrow │ - │ │ About this time—perhaps for rent; │ - │ │But like most folks, he finds with sorrow │ - │ │ He's just too late—it's always _Lent_. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│Blowing │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 2│growing │ "DAY AND NIGHT EQUAL." │ although │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 3│here's a │ 'Tis SIX O'CLOCK;—and now the Sun │ ☊ ♅ ♌ ♑ │ - │ │ │His daily course begins to run; │ │ - │ 4│clatter! │While Folly's children slink away, │ somewhat │ - │ │ │Like bats who dread the glare of day, │ │ - │ 5│what the │From Masquerade or Fancy Ball, │ clumsy │ - │ │ │Where pleasure reign'd in Fashion's Hall; │ │ - │ 6│deuce │And sneak along, like guilty creatures, │ │ - │ │ │With tir'd limbs and haggard features. │ │ - │ 7│can be │ │ ♄ ☉ ♊ ♃ ☌ │ - │ │ │ The sons of toil, as they come near 'em,│ │ - │ 8│the │With coarse-spun jokes begin to jeer 'em; │ withal, │ - │ │ │While, _au contraire_, each motley hero, │ │ - │ 9│matter? │Whose wit is now far under zero, │ │ - │ │ │With 'not a gibe to mock their grinning,' │ │ - │10│tiles │Has but a sorry chance of winning. │ ♏ ♐ ♀ ♎ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │11│and │ The Clown, with phiz so dull and sad, │ do fit me │ - │ │ │Looks grave as Ghost of Hamlet's Dad; │ │ - │12│chimney │And Falstaff, now he's lost his stuffing, │ with │ - │ │ │Looks lean as lath, and pale as muffin; │ │ - │13│pots │While Harlequin, half muzz'd with wine, │ marvellous │ - │ │ │Don't care a rush for Columbine, │ │ - │14│come │But leaves her, like a careless loon, │ accuracy: │ - │ │ │To draggle home with Pantaloon; │ │ - │15│down │And Romeo, with empty purse, │ │ - │ │ │Abandons Juliet to her nurse. │ │ - │16│and pay │ │ ♂ ♌ ♓ ♄ ♑ │ - │ │ │ The child of labour, when he sees │ │ - │17│their │Such silly spectacles as these,— │ for these │ - │ │ │How dissipation is repented,— │ │ - │18│duty │May with his station be contented; │ reasons, │ - │ │ │For mete them both with equal measure, │ │ - │19│to the │He'll find the hardest toil is pleasure. │ I say, │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │20│crown, │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │21│while │ │ ♓ ☊ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │22│surly │ │it behoveth │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │23│north │ │ me to │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │24│usurps │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │25│the │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ ♓ ♌ ♄ ☌ ☊ │ - │26│south │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ be tender │ - │27│and │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ of my │ - │28│makes a │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │29│dusthole │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ ☉ ☿ ♂ ☽ │ - │30│of your │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │31│mouth │ │ ♂ ♊ ☿ ☽ │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - -[Illustration: - - MARCH.—"Day and Night nearly equal." -] - - - "THE LAY OF THE LAST" ALDERMAN. - - I. - - The feast was over on LORD MAYOR'S DAY; - The waiters had clear'd the viands away; - The Common Councilmen all were gone, - And every Alderman,—saving _one_; - Who to gorge and guzzle no longer able, - Had sunk to repose beneath the table, - And, sooth'd by his own melodious snore, - Lay calmly stretch'd on the Guildhall floor. - - But he lay not long in the arms of sleep, - Ere a sound, that caus'd his flesh to creep, - Startled him up from his _downy_ bed, - And caus'd him to raise his aching head; - When oh, what a sight then met his eyes, - And chill'd his soul with sad surprise! - * * * * * - He bawl'd aloud when the scene was o'er, - Which awoke the porter, who open'd the door. - When a bottle of sherry had loosen'd his tongue, - 'Twas thus the LATEST ALDERMAN sung:— - - II. - - I was rous'd from my sleep by a frightful crash, - As if all the crockery'd gone to smash; - And I straight beheld a terrible form,— - At the end of the hall it took its stand, - With a swingeing besom in its hand, - And shouted out "REFORM!" - - III. - - Then stalking to me, it thus did say, - "Gone is the glory of LORD MAYOR'S DAY! - Gone—gone, for ever! - To come back never. - The Corporation Reform Bill's past, - And ev'ry ward is _Cheap_; - The City of London they'll squeeze at last, - And scatter her golden heap. - - IV. - - "_Portsoken_ no more _Port_ shall _soke_, - For guzzling they'll a_Bridge_ it." - (I thought this quite beyond a joke, - And it put me in a fidget.) - "No 'fair round bellies with capon lin'd - Your Aldermen shall sport; - They may double the _Cape_, if they feel inclin'd, - But they never must touch at _Port_. - - V. - - "The Worshipful Court—so fate ordains— - Shall look like skeletons hanging _in chains_; - They'll need no gowns, for they'll get so thin, - They may wrap themselves round in their own loose skin; - And then in vain - Shall they complain, - Who cannot bear the shock; - _Champagne_ shall turn to _real pain_, - And _Turtle_ change to _mock_. - No calipash or calipee - Their longing eyes again shall see; - No more green fat! - To them shall _ven'son_ still be _deer_; - Their stout shall turn to thin small beer, - Sour and flat. - - VI. - - "No lamps shall blaze in this spacious hall, - But farthing rushlights, lank and small, - Some cook-shop's dining-room shall grace, - Where _Mister_ Mayor, with sword and mace, - And all the Corporation sinners, - By city contract clothed and fed, - Shall dine at eighteen pence a-head, - And feel quite grateful for their dinners. - While the armour-man, like a turtle starv'd. - Shall rattle his bones in his iron shell, - And no more shall feast on baron of beef, - But _stand_ content with the cook-shop smell!" - - VII. - - Thus having said his terrible say, - The horrible spectre stalk'd away, - And left me in the blues; - And as across the Hall he pass'd, - E'en Gog and Magog stood aghast, - And trembled in their shoes. - - VIII. - - Oh, dreadful night! - Oh, fearful sight! - To see that sight, and hear that say, - An Alderman's soul it may well dismay. - I felt as opprest - With a pain in my chest, - And as brimful of terror and ills, - As if I had eaten some venison old, - Or swallow'd a gallon of turtle cold, - Or been poison'd by Morison's Pills. - - IX. - - I tried to rise, and I scream'd a scream, - The man at the gate came staggering in— - "To be sure I did, for I heard a din; - And your worship gave such a terrible snore, - While you laid on your back on the Guildhall floor, - That it woke you up from your _dream_!" - -[Illustration: - - Wine in a Ferment and Spirits in Hot Water. -] - -[Illustration: - - _APRIL._—Greenwich Park. -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │1836] │ APRIL. │ - ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │Well, neighbour, what do the papers say │ - │ │ About "The Wisdom collective?" │ - │ │Oh! their Honours are busied by night and day │ - │ │ With a list of The Lords elective: │ - │ │For like old London Bridge, they declare, for years │ - │ │They've been sadly obstructed by too many _peers_. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│Sloshy │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 2│squashy │ "EASTER MONDAY." │ budding │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 3│are │ Can poet's quill, │ ♄ ♊ ♌ ☿ ⚹ │ - │ │ │ Or painter's skill, │ │ - │ 4│the │ Depict the joy │ │ - │ │ │ Of 'Prentice Boy, │ ☉ ♊ │ - │ 5│streets, │ On that bright fun day, │ │ - │ │ │ EASTER MONDAY? │reputation, │ - │ 6│sloppy │ │ │ - │ │ │Can rhetorician or logician │ │ - │ 7│droppy │Describe with aught that's like precision │ ☉ ♄ ♊ │ - │ │ │The rapture that dilates his soul, │ │ - │ 8│all │Now his own master, and beyond control? │ and │ - │ │ │ His fancy soars aloft, like a │ │ - │ │ │ sky-rocket! │ │ - │ 9│one │ Where shall he go? │ not to put │ - │ │ │ He doesn't know, │ │ - │10│meets; │Although "the world's before him where to │ the same │ - │ │ │ choose," │ │ - │ │ │And he's got on a bran new pair of shoes, │ │ - │11│Haber- │ And two bright shillings in his │ │ - │ │ │ trousers' pocket. │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │12│dashers │ Perhaps he'll join the merry throng │ ♄ ♊ ☿ ♂ ⚹ │ - │ │ │ Who love the dance and song; │ │ - │13│mantua- │ Or, _drawn_ by ASTLEY'S _horses_, go, │ into │ - │ │ │ And "struggling for the foremost row," │ │ - │14│makers │ Enjoy the feats of fam'd Ducrow; │ jeopardy │ - │ │ │ Or at the CIRCUS, as they us'd to call │ │ - │ │ │ it, │ │ - │15│look as │ Clamour and bawl it; │ by │ - │ │ │ And, like a little savage, │ │ - │16│grave as │ Shout "Bravo Davidge!" │ │ - │ │ │Who, Richard-like, disdains to yield, │ ⚹ ♊ ☉ ♄ │ - │17│under- │And "saddles _white Surrey_ for the │ │ - │ │ │ field." │ │ - │ │ │ Or else some fellow-'prentice tells │ any crude │ - │18│takers, │ The joys he'd _quaff_ at Sadler's │ │ - │ │ │ _Wells_. │ │ - │ │ │ │ or hasty │ - │19│for │While these temptations try to start him, │ │ - │ │ │A sudden fancy comes athwart him,— │ │ - │20│shopping │"Well, only think!—why, I declare, │ │ - │ │ │I'd quite forgot there's GREENWICH FAIR! │ ☉ ♂ ☌ ☍ │ - │21│ladies │And won't I have a precious lark │ │ - │ │ │Down One-Tree Hill in Greenwich Park!" │ guesses or │ - │22│forced │ │ │ - │ │ │ │speculations│ - │23│to │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │24│house │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ ☉ ☿ ♂ │ - │25│now │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ thereupon, │ - │26│stay │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ as is the │ - │27│at home │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │28│to │ │ ☉ ♂ ♃ ♄ ♊ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │29│worry │ │ wont │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │30│spouse. │ │ of those │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - =Advertisements and Paragraphs Extraordinary.= - -EXTRAORDINARY CIRCUMSTANCE.—Yesterday, a shabbily-dressed, half-genteel, -poetical-looking sort of man, suddenly fell down in one of the -gin-palaces in St. Giles's; after having, as it was supposed, put an end -to his existence, by swallowing a quartern of _Deady's_ Best. On taking -him, however, to the Station House, and administering large doses of -cold water (to which his stomach manifested a particular antipathy by -repeatedly serving it with an ejectment), he was sufficiently recovered -to give some account of himself; but the following lines, written on the -back of a dirty tobacco paper, found in his pocket, will sufficiently -explain the cause of the rash act. It will be seen that he was a man of -_letters_, tho' (judging from his reservedness) of very few _words_. - - _To Robert Short, Esq. M.P._ - - DEAR BOB,—I know that U'll XQQQ - The wailings of a mournful MUUU. - While U, my friend, are at your EEE, - My creditors I can't apPPP: - I'm CD,—drooping to DK, - With not a sous my debts to pay. - So lean a wight you ne'er did C,— - I look just like an F-I-G. - My purse is MT, it is true; - But don't suppose I NV you: - I O U nothing but good-will, - And that I mean 2 O U still. - But if my motive U'd descry - For writing this, I'll tell U Y: - B 4 'tis long, I hope for peace; - And when U hear of my DCCC, - I beg, to show your love for me, - U'll write your Poet's L-E-G. - I'm sure that U'll indite it well, - For in such matters you XL. - Say, "E was once a R T fellow, - "But all his 'green leaves soon turn'd yellow,' - "He didn't mind his PPP and QQQ, - "But Plutus left, to woo the MUUU: - "And tho' he courted all the IX, - "He found them far too poor to dine; - "Nay, more, the very Graces III - "Could scarce afford a cup of T. - "So here he lies, for want of pelf, - "Who'd but one NME,—himself." - -AN EXTRAORDINARY TURNIP, of the Dwarf species, was lately dug out of a -field on the estate of Major Longbow, who caused the inside to be -scooped out, and gave a grand entertainment therein to a party of 250 -persons.—_American Paper._ - -FALLS OF NIAGARA.—Congress has passed a resolution that a premium should -be offered for a machine by which the Falls of Niagara might be rendered -portable, to afford those persons who live at a distance the opportunity -of viewing them at their own houses.—_American Paper._ - -[Illustration: - - _MAY_.—"Old May Day" -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │1836.] │ MAY. │ - ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │The depth of "A Winter in London," I sing:— │ - │ │ For thus do the rulers of fashion declare— │ - │ │That _Spring Garden_ shall yield all they know of the │ - │ │ _spring_, │ - │ │ And the charms of _fair May_ be supplied in _May │ - │ │ Fair_. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │M │ Season's │ "=Old May Day.=" │ WEATHER. │ - │D │ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│Ah! well- │ BY A NONAGENARIAN. │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 2│a-day! │ When I was young and in my prime, │ who │ - │ │ │ Then ev'rything look'd gay; │ │ - │ 3│alack! │ And nothing was so merry as │ ☌ ♓ ♑ ♌ │ - │ │ │ The merry FIRST OF MAY: │ │ - │ 4│alas! │ Kind Nature, who doth ever smile, │ in place │ - │ │ │ Seem'd then to smile the more; │ │ - │ 5│that │ And ev'ry Spring that time did bring│ of │ - │ │ │ Seem'd greener than before. │ │ - │ 6│such a │ The birds they sang so jocundly,— │ │ - │ │ │ They fill'd the air around, │ │ - │ 7│thing │ And human hearts as jocundly │ ☿ ♊ ☽ │ - │ │ │ Responded to the sound. │ │ - │ 8│should │ I recollect the lovely scene │ consulting │ - │ │ │ As though I saw it still:— │ │ - │ 9│come │ The mansion of a noble race │ the stars │ - │ │ │ Was seated on a hill; │ │ - │10│to pass! │ And smilingly it seem'd to look │ │ - │ │ │ Upon the plain below, │ │ - │11│but on │ Where groups of happy villagers │ ♎ ♐ ☍ ♋ ♉ │ - │ │ │ Were sporting to and fro. │ │ - │12│my word, │ The May-pole in the centre plac'd, │according to│ - │ │ │ All deck'd with garlands gay. │ │ - │13│I feel │ While lads and lasses danc'd around,│ art, │ - │ │ │ And footed it away. │ │ - │14│suspi- │ The ruddy hostess of the inn, │ │ - │ │ │ Which stood within the vale, │ │ - │15│cious, │ Supplied the thirsty revellers │ ♃ ⊕ ♒ ☉ │ - │ │ │ With draughts of nut-brown ale; │ │ - │16│unless │ While pleas'd, the neighb'ring │ │ - │ │ │ gentry stood, │ │ - │ │ │ And view'd the cheerful scene, │thrust forth│ - │17│the stars │ Or laid aside their rank to join │ │ - │ │ │ The sports upon the green. │ │ - │18│prove │ │ ♓ ♑ │ - │ │ │ Ah! those were times that memory │ │ - │19│more │ Is happy to retrace, │ their │ - │ │ │ But chang'd, alas! and sad are those│ │ - │20│propi- │ Which now supply their place. │ own bald │ - │ │ │ An honest healthy peasantry │ │ - │21│tious, │ Then shar'd the farmer's board, │ and │ - │ │ │ Who'd shrink from parish pauper pay,│ │ - │22│that │ As from a thing abhorr'd; │ conceited │ - │ │ │ The sons of "Merry England" now │ │ - │23│I shall │ Are chang'd to Mammon's slaves, │ │ - │ │ │ And "peep about to find themselves │ │ - │24│nothing │ Dishonourable graves." │ ☽ ♂ ♀ │ - │ │ │ The "labourer," no longer "reckon'd │ │ - │25│have │ Worthy of his hire," │ │ - │ │ │ No more partakes the farmer's board,│suppositions│ - │26│to say │ Nor warms him at his fire— │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │27│about │ * * * * * │ ♈ ♀ ⚹ ♏ ☽ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │28│this │ (RIGDUM FUNNIDOS _interrupteth_:) │ │ - │ │ │ │ For these │ - │29│famous │Stop, stop, old friend! I prithee, cease │ │ - │ │ │ this prosing. │ │ - │ │ │Egad! you'll set my gentle readers dozing.│ and other │ - │30│month │The TIMES are bad, I own, and sad's the │ │ - │ │ │ _change_; │ │ - │ │ │But, surely, that is not so wondrous │ weighty │ - │ │ │ strange; │ │ - │31│of May! │And if it were, this is no place to joke │ │ - │ │ │ in. │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ │ │ NONAGENARIAN: │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ │ │Enough, good RIGDUM!—I'll give over │ │ - │ │ │ croaking. │ │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - A DRAMATIC FACT. - - "MACBETH by MR. HIGGS!"— - They sometimes used to let him play it in the country; - And then, odds wigs! - How very great he felt! - One night, while he was at it, - The pot-boy, from the public-house at which he dealt, - Being at _the wing_, quoth Higgs, aside, "Od 'rat it! - I do lack spirits,—but that sha'n't fret me, - Here, boy, take thou this coin, and go get me"— - "Some bread and cheese, and porter, innions, Sir, or what?" - "Nay, no prog! - Expend the shilling all in glorious grog!" - "With sugar, Sir?" "Ay, and very hot; - Thou knowest, lout! - I only take sixpenn'orths cold without!" - - The pot-boy took the grog into the green-room, - And left it there for Higgs:—but, as it came to pass, - Lady Macbeth and Banquo having twigged it, - First _she_ took a very _leetle_ sup,— - _He_ fairly swigged it; - And so between them both, alas! - Lady Macbeth and Banquo mopped it up, - And hid the glass! - - Higgs, who all this time - Had been upon the stage,— - In that great scene where Macbeth's urged to crime - By those foul witches,— - Now strutted in,—but, oh! (excuse the rhyme,) - Odds philibegs and breeches! - How he did foam and rage, - And writhe his face, - And call the potboy hog, and dog, and log, - On not perceiving his expected grog - In its accustomed place. - - The potboy, being summoned, vowed - That he had duly brought it, - And, if to speak his mind he was allowed, - He thought it - Might have vanish'd, - Being partly spirits,—like the witches, - "'Tis false!" roared Higgs, "Avaunt! Be banish'd! - Visit no more this realm of milk and honey! - Base caitiff! YOU'VE ABSCONDED with the money!" - -[Illustration: - - JUNE.—"Holiday at the Public Offices" -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │1836.] │ JUNE. │ - ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │The Midsummer nights fly swiftly by, │ - │ │While Members are "catching the Speaker's eye;" │ - │ │And the _Outs_ are employing their labour and wit │ - │ │On those who are _In_, to serve "notice to quit." │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│Lawyers │ "HOLIDAYS AT PUBLIC OFFICES." │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 2│now may │I've often thought how hard the fate │ and │ - │ │ │ Of those, who're destin'd, day by day, │ │ - │ 3│take │To rise up early, lie down late, │ sufficient │ - │ │ │ And waste, in toil, their lives away. │ │ - │ 4│their │ │ reasons │ - │ │ │And often have I ask'd myself, │ │ - │ 5│ease, │ When musing o'er these scenes of woe, │ ♈ ☿ ♍ ♀ ♑ │ - │ │ │"Couldst thou, for sake of sordid pelf, │ │ - │ 6│and │ Oppress thy fellow-creatures so?" │ ♅ ☊ ♌ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 7│counsel │Then fancy would begin to paint │ │ - │ │ │ The griefs of little cotton-spinners, │ instead of │ - │ 8│reckon │Compell'd to labour till they faint, │ │ - │ │ │ That bloated knaves may eat good │ │ - │ │ │ dinners. │ │ - │ 9│up their │ │ │ - │ │ │I thought of poor young milliners, │ ♃ ♂ ⊕ │ - │10│fees; │ Who toil all night, with matted tresses,│ │ - │ │ │And faces pale, that Fashion's dames │ jumping │ - │11│for │ May grace the ball in fancy dresses. │ │ - │ │ │ │ at once │ - │12│now │And then I thought upon the Pole, │ │ - │ │ │ Condemn'd, among Siberia's snow, │into the ice│ - │13│the │With shackled limbs and blighted soul, │ │ - │ │ │ The joys of freedom ne'er to know. │ and snow │ - │14│welcome │ │ │ - │ │ │With those who work in powder mill. │ │ - │15│long │ Life's value scarcely weighs a feather, │ │ - │ │ │So oft exploding, 'twere no ill, │ │ - │16│vacation │ Were they exploded altogether. │ ⚹ ♀ ♈ ♐ ♎ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │17│gives a │But what are these? and what are those? │ ♊ ♀ │ - │ │ │ Or all that thou, Oh, man! endurest? │ │ - │18│rest to │Compar'd with those transcendant woes │ of January │ - │ │ │ Experienced by the Sinecurist? │ │ - │19│liti- │ │ and │ - │ │ │Compell'd by eight o'clock to rise, │ │ - │20│gation; │ By nine to get his breakfast o'er, │ commencing │ - │ │ │And leave some bit that gourmands prize, │ │ - │21│while │ Because the stage is at the door. │ ♄ ☌ ☽ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │22│happy │And when the coachman sets him down │ as the │ - │ │ │ At Treasury or Navy Pay, │ │ - │23│they on │His toil begins,—but I'll explain │ learned │ - │ │ │ How hard he works from day to day. │ │ - │24│quarter │ │ │ - │ │ │Five weary hours he stands or sits, │ │ - │25│day, │ Or fidgets till he gets the vapours; │ ☍ ♈ ♀ ⚹ ♊ │ - │ │ │And then to chase the _ennui_ fits, │ │ - │26│who're │ He picks his teeth, or reads the papers.│ │ - │ │ │ │ have it, │ - │27│not │Perhaps his name full twenty times │ │ - │ │ │ He writes, or writes a page of figures; │ │ - │28│obliged │Until are heard the welcome chimes, │ ☌ ♈ ♒ ♄ ⚹ │ - │ │ │ Which end the toil of these white │ │ - │ │ │ Niggers. │ │ - │29│to run │ │ ♋ ☋ ♅ │ - │ │ │The fate of him who digs the mine, │ │ - │30│away! │ Compar'd to this, is children's play; │_ab initio_,│ - │ │ │Then, ah! how cruel 'tis to sneer, │ │ - │ │ │ And call his life a holiday. │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ │ │Ah! radicals: ye little know │ │ - │ │ │ 'Bout what it is ye make a clamour; │ │ - │ │ │Go, thank your stars you drag a truck, │ │ - │ │ │ Or only wield a blacksmith's hammer. │ │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - THE SERVANT OF ALL WORK. - - "He HOOD if he could." - -Roaming along, the other day, in those regions of Cockney retirement, -the vicinity of the Cat and Mutton Fields, about a mile from the _Ultima -Thule_ of Shoreditch, I was struck by the appearance of a row of neat -little houses; and my attention was so particularly arrested by one of -them, that I incontinently paused to look at it. It seemed to have all -the ostentatious assumption of a little man who strives to look big. It -had a portico, that might have belonged to the Colosseum, with a flight -of stone steps that would have graced the new palace at Pimlico; and the -drawing-room windows were ambitiously overshadowed by a verandah, not -unworthy of Worthing. - -While I was meditating on its appearance, and admiring the extraordinary -air of cleanliness which distinguished it from its neighbours, a paper -parcel, tied round with thread, and sealed with a thimble, fell at my -feet. I looked above and around me, but no one was visible; and -conceiving it to be intended for myself, I picked it up, and walked on. -At a favourable opportunity I opened it, and read as follows:— - - * * * * * - -"This cums Hopping that sum boddy in the Street Walking may pick me up -and put me into the Square box at the Circling librey, the Place where -the Post is. It is the haughty bioggrify of a unfortnit yung cretur -who's in servis. Let the supperscripshun be to the Mournin Herald or the -Currier or the Trew Son or the Stand Hard, or the Spekt Tatur, or any of -'em, for one's just as good as tother. I think the noospapers would take -it inn, for they takes in a good many servants as wants places. - -"My pappa was a Baker, and he meant I shuld be Bread up like a lady, for -tho I was the least of the Batch, i was the Flour of the flock. But -pappa Dying, i had to git my Living, for he didn't Roll in ritches, and -his guds and chappels were Saddled with detts, witch Spurred me on to -Bridel my greef, tho i seldom had a Bit in my mouth, wich was hard; and -when our Blow got Wind, i lost my sweethart, wich Blow was Harder. He -was sitch a nice yung man; and when i walkt past his Door, he used to -prays my Gate, and tell me when we were marryd we should live in Stile. -But I am Loth to say, he turned out a Willing, and wanted te tak -advantidge of my citywashun. But I had 2 strings to my Beau in a yung -mit-chipman, but he got prest and sent on board a Tender, witch was a -grate Hard Shipp for him, and I felt it. - -"But to cut a Long Tail Short,—when my dear Ben Bannister left me, miss -fortin Staired me in the face, and every boddy turn'd their Backs on me, -and I culd not bare such a Front, so i got a place as a servnt of all -work, and my mind was maid up to be in duster house: but it was a Grate -fall for me down into the Kitchen, tho when i got there i found a -Grater; for my first missus was a Dresser, and often and often when I've -bin all over greece she has calld me up to her Rome to help her on with -her gownd, witch was very humblin to 1 as was used to have her own made -to wait upon her. Butt i left her bekause we lived at a Fishmongers & -itt Smelt so; and i had more than twenty Plaices in the first 12 months, -wich Maid me quite Crabby, for I was going Backwards. But mississes are -as proud as my lord Mare, and makes you work like an Horse; so I turned -myself Out, for i culd not In-Door itt. - -"I wont trubbel you with all my trubbels, but will skipp over the hole -to give you my Last, wich dont Fit me at all; and its Jest no Joke, I -can ashure you, for its like as if my 20 mississes was turnd into one. -I've bin in the plaice almost a month, soe I have had a pritty gud -experense. - -"First, i Seconds all the close, & theres 13 of us in fammaly. Theres -missis & master, thats 2, but misses says as how theyre 1: theres the 3 -young ladys is 5; and the 3 boys from skool, where i am sure they never -larnt no manners, & I dont love em at all, that's Hate; & the 2 yung -babbys in harms is 10; and mr. Phipps the frunt parler loger is 11, and -mr Snooks the back parler loger is 12 & i am just thirteen. So i leaves -you to juge when i Hang em all out if there isnt enuff to Do for. - -"Missis is what they calls a not Abel womman, & keeps 1 scrubbin & doin -all day long, & is so pertickler, that when master cums home on a wet -day, i has to lift him into the hous for fear he shuld dirty the steps. -To be shure he's a werry littel man, but then its so shockin indillikat. -Missis is verry fond of Bruin too, witch i cant Bear, and i hates Hops, -xcept when i goes to a dance; besides, the Hopperation quite puts one -into a fomentation, and sets one all of a Work. Then the fammaly is so -verry unreglar, & we keeps a deal of cumpany, tho they dont alow any -follerers, and missis is always snubbin me if the Butcher or the Baker -stopps a minuet att the gait. But if i were even to liv in a garratt, i -shuld be abuv sitch peepel & shuld look down uppon em. I no one of the -yung ladys casts a sheeps eye on the Butcher herself, but i hop he wont -giv her his Hart, for i am shure she would be a gay Liver, & i no she -has plenty of Tung. - -"Wile i am uppon theas yung ladys i culd pick a hole in em, but i abhor -Back bitin. Howsomdever, tho they are Twins all Three of em, theres no -Unity in One of em, and when a gentilman is interdeuced to the fammaly, -they all fall in luv with him, wich must be verry embrasing to the -party, and they try all their harts of captywashun. Miss Carryline rites -a billy dux anomilously and folds it like a trew lovyers not, to puzzel -him. Miss Matilda makes annoys on the harp with her bigg Fistis, and -says she had her lessons from a Boxer; and miss Jimmima thumps away on -the piney Forty, Fifty times a day, to git pirfict for the heavening. I -often wishes thare was locks to them keys. - -"But all their Harts wont do, & theyve none of them got a Deer yet, for -they make themselves 2 Chepe, & they are all of em verry jellus of me, -bekause the 2 gentilmen logers has a grate licking for me; & they carrys -their spit so Fur that I mustnt ware a Bore, and they sets their mama -Hat me if they sees a bit of lace on my Cap. They makes quite a Furze -too if i incloses my Waste with a ribbon tho its so Common; & I'm shure -they had better pay what they Hose than find fault with my Stockins; for -they stands over me while i am Pinking em, witch shose they aint well -Red in their manors, and they wont lett me Ware em no Ware. I shuld lik -to no why servnts aint to doo what they likes with their hone; for Ive -red theyve as big a steak in the common unity as their Betters, who're -many of em nothin else but Gamblers. - -"But i dont mind the Hitts of sich Misses: for its all Shear envy, -becaus they wants to Cut me out with the 2 logers, & had rayther see me -Hangd than Halter my condishun. But the gentilmen dont lik none of em, -for theyre as tall and as pail as 2 hapenny Rushlites and a grate deal -more Wicked. Mr. Snooks, the loger as walks the Horsepittels in the back -parler, says theyre more like ottomies than wimmen, for they've none of -em got no hannimashun; and mr. Phipps the clark as hokkipies the frunt -parler says theyre quite Ciphers to me, for i am a better Figger, & more -uprighter than any 1 of em. He sometimes carrys his devours to such a -Pitch, that if i culd forgit my Tar, I see no resin why i shuld not -marry him, & then the miss Rushlites would be very much Put Out when -they'd lost one of their Flames. - -"Mr. Phipps is a littery man, and nose a Grate many Tongs, and has maid -a bigg book of Pottery, full of Plates. He tells me not to be jellus -because he Courts the Mews, & has sent me the histry of his life & a -coppy of verses on my mississes yousidge of me; and i hop you'll tell -the noospaper man he mustnt take my life without takin his'n & he may -have the pottery into the bargain. - -"Notty Benny.—My life shall be conclooded att the first hopportunitty. - - "So no more at presnt from yours humbely to comand - "MOLDYDUSTA MOGGS." - - * * * * * - -"Post Scripp. I forgot to tell you that i cant git enuff to heat, missis -is sitch a skin Flint, unless I Steel it, & that's unpossebel, for she -always takes care to lock upp the Cold Heatabels." - -[Illustration: - - JULY.—"Dog Days" -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │1836.] │ JULY. │ - ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │Dear me! how hot the weather grows— │ - │ │ There's scarce a breath to cool one's face; │ - │ │Through _Air_ Street not a zephyr blows, │ - │ │ Nor e'en a breeze from _Wind_-ham Place. │ - │ │Down Regent Street, so lazy all one sees, │ - │ │There's nobody "industrious" but "The Fleas." │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│belly │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 2│back │ A DOGGEREL FOR THE DOG DAYS. │ (that │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 3│hips │Most _doggedly_ I do maintain, │ is to say, │ - │ │ │ And hold the _dogma_ true,— │ │ - │ 4│reins, │That four-legg'd _dogs_ altho' we see, │ beginning │ - │ │ │ We've some that walk on two. │ │ - │ 5│all │ │ at the │ - │ │ │Among them there are clever dogs; │ │ - │ 6│full of │ A few you'd reckon mad; │ beginning) │ - │ │ │While some are very jolly dogs, │ │ - │ 7│aches │ And others very sad. │ ♍ ☉ ⚹ ♍ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 8│and │You've heard of Dogs, who, early taught, │ ♓ ☽ ♑ │ - │ │ │ Catch halfpence in the mouth;— │ │ - │ 9│pains │But we've a long-tail'd _Irish_ dog, │ │ - │ │ │ With feats of larger growth. │ I do │ - │10│because │ │ │ - │ │ │Of Dogs who merely _halfpence_ snatch │ │ - │11│I know │ The admiration ceases, │ prefer │ - │ │ │For he grows saucy, sleek, and fat, │ │ - │12│not │ By swallowing _penny-pieces_! │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │13│what │He's practising some other feats, │ ☉ ☽ ♑ ♀ │ - │ │ │ Which time will soon reveal; │ │ - │14│to do │One is, to squeeze an _Orange_ flat, │ │ - │ │ │ And strip it of its _Peel_. │ jogging │ - │15│the │ │ │ - │ │ │The next he'll find a toughish job, │ │ - │16│Season's │ For one so far in years; │ along │ - │ │ │He wants to pull an old _House_ down, │ │ - │17│Signs │ That's now propp'd up by _Peers_. │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │18│are │I've heard of physic thrown to dogs, │ ☉ ♊ ♓ ♓ │ - │ │ │ And very much incline │ │ - │19│now │To think it true, for we've a pack │ slowly and │ - │ │ │ Who only _bark_ and _w_(h)_ine_. │ │ - │20│so few │ │ │ - │ │ │The _Turnspit_ of the sad old days │cautelously;│ - │21│and │ Is vain enough to boast, │ │ - │ │ │Altho' his "occupation's gone," │ │ - │22│all │ He still could _rule the roast_. │ ☽ △ ♓ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │23│that │But turnspits now are out of date,— │ │ - │ │ │ We all despise the hack, │ feeling │ - │24│I have │And in the kitchen of the state │ │ - │ │ │ We still prefer a _Jack_. │ my way, │ - │25│got │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │26│to say │ │ │ - │ │ │ │as it were, │ - │27│is, take │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ with │ - │28│care of │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │29│Saint │ │ ♄ ♃ ♂ ☉ ⚹ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │30│Swithin's │ │ my eye at │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │31│day! │ │ │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - _STANZAS, addressed to Mrs...., of ... Terrace - Cat and Mutton Fields._ - - You 'cat,' that would 'worry a rat!' - You 'cow with the crumpled horn!' - I wish you were _squeez'd_,—and that's _flat_,— - For ill-using a 'Maiden forlorn.' - - You're as bad as a _slave-driver_ quite, - Altho' you subscrib'd to the tracts;— - If the linen's wash'd ever so _white_, - You always complain of the _blacks_. - - A servant is worthy her _hire_; - You pilfer one-fourth of her due, - For tho' she does all you desire, - She only gets _ire_ from you. - - A fit she had, one afternoon, - When you set her a-cleaning the paint; - And while she was off in a _swoon_, - You said it was only a _feint_. - - A party you had yesterday,— - No wonder so often she swoons,— - For as soon as the folks went away, - You began to be missing the _spoons_! - - She was cleaning the windows last week - (Such savings are very small gains), - You scolded her while you could speak, - And told her she didn't take _panes_. - - She cleans all the boots and the shoes; - When she's done 'em she sits down to cry: - WARREN'S JET is the blacking you choose; - But od _'rabbit_ that _Warren_! say I. - - For this you can make no excuse:— - You'd a party at whist t'other day, - And you scolded away like the _deuce_, - 'Cause the sandwiches dropp'd from the _tray_. - - You tell her she dresses too gay - (You're afraid that she'll cut out your gals), - You strip lace and ribbons away, - And say she shan't wear such fal-lals. - - 'Tis in vain her attempting to speak, - For your heart is as hard as a stone; - But she means to be married next week; - Then she'll 'do what she likes with her own.' - -[Illustration: - - AUGUST.——Bathing at Brighton. -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │ 1836.] │ AUGUST. │ - ├─────────────┴───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │Perhaps the Minister has passed the budget, and given the Houses │ - │leave to trudge it;—the lawyer folds his brief, with little grief;— │ - │closed are the Halls, against all calls;—John Doe and Richard Roe may│ - │go;—the debtor breathes, respited from mishap; and Bailiffs, wanting │ - │jobs, may keep _a Tap_. │ - ├──┬──────────┬──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│In │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 2│Germany │ BRIGHTON. │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 3│they │Well here, once more, on Brighton's shore,│ the end of │ - │ │ │ We're safe arrived at last; │ │ - │ 4│rest │So, Mister Snip, don't have the hyp, │ ☽ ♓ ☌ ☍ │ - │ │ │ Nor look so _overcast_. │ │ - │ 5│their │ │ my │ - │ │ │We've not been here this many a year; │ │ - │ 6│heads │ So do not look so blue, │ │ - │ │ │But sport your cash, and cut a dash, │ divining │ - │ 7│betwixt │ As other people do. │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 8│a pair │There's Mistress Skait,-she wouldn't wait,│ rod, │ - │ │ │ But off she tripp'd so gaily: │ │ - │ 9│of │She struts along amid the throng: │ ⚹ ♈ ♃ ♐ ♊ │ - │ │ │ _Her_ husband isn't _scaly_. │ │ - │10│feather │ │ ☉ ♐ ♓ │ - │ │ │There's Mistress _Wick_, and little Dick, │ │ - │11│beds; │ Have come to have a _dipping_; │ and │ - │ │ │And there's her niece, who's been to │ │ - │ │ │ _Greece_, │ │ - │12│a famous │ Is now all over _dripping_. │ │ - │ │ │ │ exploring │ - │13│plan, I │And oh, what fun! there's Martha Gunn │ │ - │ │ │ (But no, that gun's _gone off_), │ │ - │14│will be │But only look at that sea-cook │ the mazes │ - │ │ │ A-sousing Mrs. Gough. │ │ - │15│bound, │ │ │ - │ │ │Well, I declare, there's Mrs. _Ware_ │ of │ - │16│while │(She's every _where_, I think)— │ │ - │ │ │Her spouse, I know, is quite her beau, │ │ - │17│frost & │ And never spares the chink. │ ☉ ♃ ♐ ♂ ☍ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │18│snow │And, last of all, there's Mr. Ball, │ │ - │ │ │ Who promis'd Mrs. B— │ futurity, │ - │19│are on │And kindly has _redeem'd_ his _pledge_,— │ │ - │ │ │ That she should see the sea. │ │ - │20│the │ │ with the │ - │ │ │So, Mister Snip, don't have the hyp, │ │ - │21│ground, │ Nor look so monstrous blue; │ │ - │ │ │But sport your cash, and cut a dash, │heedfulness │ - │22│but │ As other people do. │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │23│in the │ │ ♎ ♅ ☉ ♐ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │24│Dog │ │ │ - │ │ │ │of one, who,│ - │25│Days' │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ knowing │ - │26│raging │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ the │ - │27│heat, I │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │28│shouldn't │ │ ♃ ♉ ♒ ☽ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │29│think it │ │weightiness │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │30│such a │ │ of the │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │31│treat. │ │ │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - =Advertisements Extraordinary.= - -THEATRE ROYAL, ENGLISH UPROAR.—The Proprietor respectfully announces -that, while the cold weather lasts, he will present each visitor to the -Boxes or Pit with a bucket of "thick-ribbed ICE;" and assures the Public -that the temperature of the Theatre is so comfortably regulated that it -is never more than 50 degrees below the freezing point. - - * * * * * - - THEATRE ROYAL, DREARY LANE.—This - Evening, their Majesties' Servants will perform - THE MANAGER IN DISTRESS; - To which will be added the serious Extravaganza of - THE HOT CROSS _BUNN_; - The principal Character by the Manager. - The whole to conclude with - THE DEVIL TO PAY. - -On Monday next, Mr. SWING will exhibit his extraordinary performances on -the Tight Rope.—_N.B._ On this occasion all persons on the Free List -will be _suspended_. - - - WANT PLACES. - -AS TOADY, an unmarried Female of an uncertain age. She is so soft in her -disposition as to take any impression; says yes or no, just as she is -bid; prefers Cape to Madeira, and dislikes Champagne; and has no -objection to wash and walk out with the poodles.—_N.B._ Is very skilful -in backbiting, and would be delighted to assist in the ruin of -reputations. Can have a good character from her last place, which she -left in consequence of the lady marrying her tall Irish footman. - -AS DINER-OUT, an Irish Captain on half-pay, who has at his disposal a -plentiful supply of small talk and table wit; does the agreeable to -perfection; is a good laugher at stale jokes, and a capital retailer of -new ones; never falls asleep at the repetition of a dull story, and -always laughs in the right place. He has a variety of other -qualifications too numerous for insertion in an advertisement. - - * * * * * - -NOTICE is hereby given, that a considerable portion of CIVIC DIGNITY, -conjectured to be equal in quantity to a _Winchester_ Measure, has been -lost since the 9th of November, 1834. This _in_-valuable appendage is -supposed to have been dropped from the person of an _ill_ustrious -_Mayor_, during certain squabbles which took place in spite of common -sense and _common counsel_. It is hoped it will be recovered by his -successor, and any information respecting the same may be communicated -to a HOBBLER, at the Mare's Nest in the Poultry. - - * * * * * - -LOST—by NOBODY, in the neighbourhood of NOWHERE, an article more easily -conceived than described, known by the name of NOTHING. The fortunate -finder may keep it on paying the expenses of this Advertisement. - -[Illustration: - - SEPTEMBER.—"Michaelmas Day" -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │1836.] │ SEPTEMBER. │ - ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │It pleased her jolly Majesty Queen Bess, │ - │ │_Stuffing_, herself, a well-_stuff'd_ goose to bless, │ - │ │And ever since, in _sage_ affairs of state, │ - │ │The royal bird does still predominate;— │ - │ │So modest merit proves of little use, │ - │ │Unless at Court you "boo" to ev'ry goose. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│Now │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 2│farmers │ "SHOOTING THE MOON." │ matters │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 3│mind │Now, Mrs. Dove, my dearest love, │ ⚹ ☉ ☋ ♂ ♄ │ - │ │ │ No longer let us jar; │ │ - │ 4│your │Full well you know that cash is low, │ ⚹ ♀ ⊕ │ - │ │ │ And credit's under par. │ │ - │ 5│geese │ │ │ - │ │ │Short commons are our common fare. │ whereinto │ - │ 6│and │ No _turtle_-doves are we: │ │ - │ │ │Tho' once there came such lots of _game_, │ he is │ - │ 7│pigs, │ Now folks _make game_ of me. │ │ - │ │ │ │ inquiring, │ - │ 8│for │Ah! what to do I wish I knew, │ │ - │ │ │ Or where to run a score! │ │ - │ 9│Cockney │For all the town I've done so brown, │ ♏ ♄ ☌ │ - │ │ │ I can't _do_ any more. │ │ - │10│sports- │ │ │ - │ │ │We've had our fill on _Mutton Hill_; │ is fearful │ - │ │ │ │ of │ - │11│men │ In _Cornhill_ gain'd our _bread_; │ │ - │ │ │Dress'd with an air in fam'd _Cloth Fair_;│ stumbling. │ - │12│run their │ In _Grub Street_ well were _fed_. │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │13│rigs, │We got our _shoes_ in _Leather Lane_; │ ♀ ☍ ♑ ♌ ☋ │ - │ │ │ Our _hats_ in _Hatton Garden_; │ │ - │14│and │We'd quite a catch in _Ha'penny Hatch_, │ For look, │ - │ │ │ And never paid a _farden_. │ │ - │15│when │ │ what dire │ - │ │ │We've chalked a score on every door │ │ - │16│the │ Of publican or sinner; │ mishaps │ - │ │ │And now can't meet a _Newman_ Street, │ │ - │17│cits │ To trust us with a dinner. │ do arise │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │18│are │And, lack-a day! here's Quarter Day; │ │ - │ │ │ It always comes too soon; │ │ - │19│taking │So we by night must take our flight, │ ☉ ♀ │ - │ │ │ For we must _shoot the moon_! │ │ - │20│aim, │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ from false │ - │21│your │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │22│poultry │ │prophecying!│ - │ │ │ │ │ - │23│may │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │24│mistake │ │ ♂ ♄ ☉ ♈ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │25│for │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ The farmer │ - │26│game, │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │27│and │ │ ♉ ♂ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │28│kill │ │reapeth his │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │29│or │ │ corn, and │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │30│lame. │ │ ♉ ♄ ☉ ♊ ☌ │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - AN EPISTLE - - From SIR JOHN NORTH to RIGDUM FUNNIDOS, Gent. - - DEAR RIG.—Have you read my famous book, - About the wonderful route I took; - Through frost and snow, how I went so far, - To stare in vain at the polar star, - And how I sought by night and noon - To bag the beams of the arctic moon; - And how it was far beyond a joke - To think my steam should end in smoke; - With all the spiteful things I said, - As I knock'd the engine on the head; - And how I've fill'd up countless pages - With sneers at the "Useful Knowledge" sages; - And about the land of the Esquimaux, - Where I gave a squeeze to many a squaw; - But sighed to think that a time must come - To clear them off by "the force of Rum;" - And how I came to an island blest, - Which foot of man had never press'd, - And grateful to the Spinning _Gin_-ny, - That lined my purse with many a guinea, - I straightway handed down to fame - A Smithfield _Booth's_ immortal name? - - I did such deeds as would make you stare; - 'Twere a bore to tell how I kill'd a bear; - Or how, for want of a better meal, - I seal'd the fate of many a seal. - - And have you read that, to crown the whole, - I'm almost sure I found the Pole; - ('Twas twirling round, on its centre set, - Like an opera dancer's pirouette,) - And though the fog as thick did look - As a certain stupid quarto book, - One night I saw a vision fair, - Of knighthood's honours in the air; - And how, agog to reach my glory, - I hasten'd home to print my story; - And how I thought 'twould have been no blame - To have left behind the halt and lame, - Dead weights that, everybody knows, - Are only fit to feed the crows? - For if, Dear Rig., you'll only look, - All this, and more, is in my book. - - * * * * * - -THE COMET, which has so long been looked for, suddenly made its -appearance here on the 5th inst. between the hours of four and five in -the morning, and the servant maids were pretty particularly astonished -when they arose, to find that its tail had lighted all their fires, and -boiled all their kettles for breakfast. For this piece of service they -have christened it the "tail of love."—_American Paper._ - -[Illustration: - - OCTOBER.—'S^t. Crispin's Day' -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │1836.] │ OCTOBER. │ - ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │The sum of Summer is cast at last, │ - │ │And carried to Wintry season, │ - │ │And the frighten'd _leaves_ are _leaving_ us fast; │ - │ │If they stayed it would be _high trees-on_. │ - │ │The sheep, exposed to the rain and drift, │ - │ │Are left to all sorts of _wethers_, │ - │ │And the ragged young birds must _make a shift_, │ - │ │Until they can get new feathers. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│Now │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 2│heroes │ "ST CRISPIN'S DAY." │ moweth │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 3│bold │ AN ECLOGUE. │ his grass, │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 4│in │ CORDWAINERIUS. │ ♀ ♃ ⊕ ♎ ♐ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 5│leather │ARISE, COBBLERIUS, cast thy awl away, │ │ - │ │ │The sun is up, and 'tis SAINT CRISPIN'S │ when he │ - │ │ │ DAY. │ │ - │ 6│breeches │Leave vulgar snobs to mend plebeian soles,│ │ - │ │ │For you and I will jollify, by goles! │should leave│ - │ 7│do │ │ │ - │ │ │ COBBLERIUS. │ them │ - │ 8│leap │ │ │ - │ │ │A seedy poet, lodging next the sky, │ │ - │ 9│o'er │Came yesternight, entreating me to try │ ♉ ☍ ♈ ♀ │ - │ │ │And mend his _understanding_ by the noon; │ │ - │10│five │When that is done, I'm yours for a blue │ │ - │ │ │ moon. │ │ - │ │ │ │ standing; │ - │11│barred │ CORDWAINERIUS. │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │12│gates │Then while you cobble, let us chaunt a │ ♒ ☿ ♊ ♍ ☽ │ - │ │ │ stave: │ │ - │ │ │We're "Temp'rance" folks, so let the theme│ │ - │ │ │ be grave. │ │ - │13│and │Let's sing yon palace to the God of Gin: │ │ - │ │ │Who pipes the best, a pot of malt shall │the sick man│ - │ │ │ win. │ │ - │14│ditches │ │ │ - │ │ │ COBBLERIUS. │throweth off│ - │15│the │ │ │ - │ │ │I take your challenge—to your plan agree; │ his │ - │16│perils │Yon Costermonger shall our umpire be. │ │ - │ │ │ │ warm │ - │17│of │ COSTERMONGERIUS. │ │ - │ │ │ │ clothing, │ - │18│the │I'm bottle-holder for a glass of max; │ │ - │ │ │So clear your pipes, my jolly cocks o' │ │ - │ │ │ vax. │ │ - │19│field │ │ ☌ ♒ ☿ ♊ ♎ │ - │ │ │ CORDWAINERIUS. │ │ - │20│to │ │ ⚹ ♏ ♀ │ - │ │ │"Here, _sprightly_ folks, by _spirits_ │ │ - │ │ │ turn'd to _sprites_, │ │ - │21│dare │Whose _rosy_ cheeks are chang'd to _lily │ ☿ ♄ │ - │ │ │ whites_, │ │ - │ │ │Caught in the _snares_ of _Gin_, rue not │ │ - │ │ │ their ruin, │ │ - │22│and │But do their best, to do their own │ │ - │ │ │ undoing!" │ │ - │ │ │ │ when he │ - │23│hunt │ COBBLERIUS. │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │24│that │"_Rum_ customers, who're far more sad than│should wrap │ - │ │ │ funny, │ │ - │ │ │Here get no trust when they have spent │ │ - │ │ │ their money: │ │ - │25│furious │No pay no potion;—by this rule they stick;│ │ - │ │ │The lighted _dial_, only, goes _on tick_."│ himself up │ - │26│beast │ │ │ - │ │ │ CORDWAINERIUS. │ │ - │27│the │ │ ☊ ♓ ☋ ♌ │ - │ │ │"Here, Mothers, by some devilish fiend │ │ - │ │ │ possest, │ │ - │28│hare! │Drive their poor infants from the port of │ closer; │ - │ │ │ _Breast_; │ │ - │ │ │And 'stead of mother's _milk_, whene'er │ │ - │ │ │ they scream, │ │ - │29│Oh, │Stop their shrill crying with a glass of │ ♀ ♏ ⚹ │ - │ │ │ _cream_." │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │30│courage │ COBBLERIUS. │ the │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │31│rare! │"Here _compounds_ dire, which ne'er can │ ♂ ☽ ☌ ♄ │ - │ │ │ _cordials_ be, │ │ - │ │ │Turn _seedy fellows_ into _felos de se_."—│ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ │ │ COSTERMONGERIUS. │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ │ │Just stow your magging, for you've piped │ │ - │ │ │ enough, │ │ - │ │ │And, blow me, if I ever heard sich stuff! │ │ - │ │ │Vy, vhat's the hods, I'll be so bold to │ │ - │ │ │ ax, │ │ - │ │ │'Twixt swilling heavy vet, and swigging │ │ - │ │ │ max? │ │ - │ │ │So stow your staves, and as it's chilly │ │ - │ │ │ veather, │ │ - │ │ │Ve'll mix the max and heavy vet together: │ │ - │ │ │And then, my lads o' leather, you shall │ │ - │ │ │ see │ │ - │ │ │How cosily the mixture vill agree. │ │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - ANNUAL REGISTER - OF - REMARKABLE OCCURRENCES. - -JAN. 13th.—_Three_ young men on the Serpentine cutting a figure of -_six_, about _nine_ in the morning of _twelfth_ day, were _two_ -careless, though warned be-_four_, to _weight_ the reading of the -Society's "not-ice," so popped into _sixteen_ feet water. They were -speedily helped out of the ice-_well_, and resolved to _cut_ away and -not _come again_. - -21st.—An Omnibus Cad was brought before the Lord Mayor, charged with -having been guilty of civility to a passenger, by neglecting to bang the -door against his _stern_, in time to throw him on his _head_. His -Lordship said such conduct was unprecedented; but as the man, in -extenuation, proved that he had cried "go _on_," while another gentleman -was getting _off_, he thought the case did not call for interference. -The culprit, however, was dismissed by the Paddington committee, lest -his example should contaminate the others. - -FEB. 4th.—The following horrible event occurred in a family lately -arrived from India. A female of colour, one of the establishment, was -sitting by the fire, with two of her dark little progeny by her side, -when a black footman, remarkable for his savage disposition, suddenly -entered the room, seized one of them in each hand, hurried to the water -cistern, and plunging in the struggling little ones, held them till life -was extinct. In vain the distracted mother implored compassion; the -bystanders seemed to think there was no law against drowning kittens. - -MARCH 12th.—An elderly gentleman, crossing Fleet Street, was driven -_through_ by the _Perseverance_ Omnibus. He was carried into the nearest -shop, and, after taking six boxes of Morison's pills, felt so little -inconvenience that he expressed his determination to keep the orifice -open, so as not to be an obstruction to carriages in future. - -8th.—On Thursday, died Old Tom, the Leadenhall Market Gander, after -having worthily supported the city dignity for thirty years. The Court -of Aldermen attended his funeral, and his deeds were not forgotten by -the City Remembrancer. His spirit still haunts the old spot, and nightly -takes in his favourite stuffing of sage and onions, and the poulterers -say they always know _the ghost_ when they see him _a-gobblin_. - -26th.—Mr. Morison was elected principal of Brazen-nose College on -presenting to its library a copy of his treatise on _Assurance_, with -tables of the average termination of life, as deduced from the last -returns of the _pills_ of mortality. - -APRIL 1st.—According to annual custom, a considerable number of persons -assembled this morning on Tower Hill to see the Lions washed. It was, -however, officially notified that, the menagerie having been broken up, -they could not be gratified, but that his Majesty, in order to prevent -their entire disappointment, would, for this occasion, substitute the -shaving of a Donkey; with a recommendation that each individual do -perform the ceremony at his own home in future. - -14th.—The Hackney Coaches of the Metropolis met at their usual resting -time, which lasts from sixty minutes past twelve on Saturday night till -sixty minutes before one on Sunday morning, and resolved to petition -Parliament in favour of Sir Andrew's Sunday Bill. They complained that -though on that day they always had more _fare_, they had no more food, -for though they were never without the taste of _a bit_, they had no -leisure to bite; and that though the weather might be ever so fine, for -them it was always _rein_-y. They, however, did not wish to make -exorbitant demands, and would be quite satisfied if Sunday, to others a -day of joy, might be to them a day of "_Wo_." Earl _Grey_ was asked to -present the petition, and signified "yea" by saying "neigh." - -MAY 5th.—The attention of the passengers in Salisbury Square was excited -by observing an inhabitant come out at the attic window of a house (No. -66), and pass along the parapet. His next neighbour, with whom he was -known to be on bad terms, soon after appeared on the adjacent roof. They -approached each other with signs of anger, and grappling, engaged in a -furious struggle;—both fell from the parapet;—fortunately escaping the -iron spikes below, and alighting on their feet, each spit at the other, -cried "moll-row," and rushed down his own area. - -15th.—As Doctor Fillpot was walking in the Zoological Gardens, his -Christian charity was blown into the cage of the Humming birds, and -instantly pecked up by the voracious little animals, who, strange to -say, did not seem at all inconvenienced by the extraordinary meal. - -JUNE 3rd.—A nursemaid and three fine children were lost in some cart -ruts, called "The New Promenade," in Regent's Park, and have never been -heard of since. - -9th.—At the Annual Meeting of the Proprietors of the Thames Tunnel, the -secretary reported that though the _Leeks_ had all ceased, he was happy -to say there was no diminution of _Salaries_; that they had got _over_ -all the soft _mud_, which was hard; but they had now to get _under_ a -hard _rock_, which was harder; that their money in the _stocks_ was -expended in digging _stones_; and that they had not reached the opposite -_Bank_, though they had exhausted their _Banker_; and that, in all -probability, though they might labour to the end, they would never see -the end of their labour; for however _light_ they might make of it, they -were more in the _dark_ than ever. The meeting, in great discontent, -divided without a dividend; and, grunting like _hogs_, pronounced the -w_hole_ a great _bore_. - -JULY 5th.—The old and young elephants, from the Zoological Gardens, were -brought up at Marylebone office. It appears that during the night they -had made their way to the Paddington Canal _Bank_, had broken open the -_Locks_, and abstracted all the water, with which they got beastly -"drunk on the premises." Their return home in that state caused -suspicion to fall on them, and their apartments being searched, the -stolen property was found concealed in their _trunks_, together with -pawnbrokers' duplicates for the contents of the Grand Junction -reservoir, and the City basin, both of which had suddenly disappeared in -a very mysterious manner, and having been at low water of late, and much -run upon, owing to the dry weather, were supposed to have run away. The -culprits showed their teeth at the charge, as hard as ivory, and -speechified at length, but a clear case being established, they offered -their _pledges_ for better behaviour; however, the worthy magistrate -stopped their _spouting_, and sent them to the treadmill. The office was -crowded by members of the Temperance Society, several of whom offered to -become bail for them. - -21st.—At the last Drawing Room, Captain Bodkin had the honour of -presenting Cleopatra's needle to the Queen. Her Majesty was pleased to -send to _Cable Street_ for a hundred yards of _Wopping_ Thread, and in -the evening one of the maids of honour used it, by Her Majesty's desire, -to work a button-hole of a new shirt for Mister O'Killus in the park. - -AUGUST 4th.—On Sunday, the 2nd, Lord H. visited the Bear-pit in the -Zoological Gardens, and leaning too far over the wall, fell among the -interesting animals, who were so alarmed at the sight that they were -seized with convulsions, and have been in a nervous state ever since. - -17th.—An old woman was charged with selling apples on a Sunday morning. -She was too poor to keep a _shop_, so was committed to the _Counter_. It -appeared that her basket obstructed the people in their way to the -Gravesend Sunday boats. - -26th.—A steam-boat party going down the river for a Marine _Gala_, were -caught in a _gale_. The Catastrophe happened off the Isle of _Dogs_, and -the hurricane _setting_ in during a Quadrille, they tried in vain to -stand _firm_, for _partners_ were driven "right and left;" the "Ladies' -chain" was broken off in the middle, and "The Lancers" totally put to -the rout. The chimney _fell_ in the midst of a _cadence_, and the mast -was _shivered_ during a _shake_, but the musicians were all ruined, for -their instruments were blown _beyond Fidlers' reach_. - -SEPT. 1st.—The Duke of Nemours, with his suite, rode through Coventry -Street, when the figure of Fieschi became visibly agitated, and -attempted to discharge the Infernal Machine at him. Nothing but its -being a sham, and not loaded, saved the Duke from the fate intended for -his father. - -5th.—The Ladies' Brazen Monument to the Duke of Wellington, having been -_smoked_ a good deal of late, its noble proprietresses determined on -giving it an autumnal washing before the fall of the leaf. For this -purpose, the (Holy) Alliance Company lent their engine, a fiery Marquess -played the pipe, and a committee of Countesses worked the pumps. The -figure was then invested in a new shirt, presented by Her Majesty, -against the cold weather. - -20th.—A sailing party from Margate, finding themselves near _Urn_ bay, -resolved to drink _tea_. Mrs. Bullion, of Cheapside, one of the company, -proposed music in the air, and, being inspired by the water, volunteered -"The Land;" but, in getting up to C above, she overreached herself, and -fell into the sea below. At first, Mr. Bullion feared she would prove -_dead stock_ on his hands, but he soon saw she was _floating, capital_; -so he bargained with some _dredgers_ to give her an _hoister_ on board -again. The _natives_ were greatly alarmed at the occurrence. - -OCT. 3rd.—Mrs. Belasco delivered her concluding Lecture on morality, -with illustrations, in the Saloon of the Haymarket Theatre. - -7th.—The Penitentiary at Millbank was partly destroyed by fire; luckily -the flames were extinguished, without making an auto-da-fé of the fair -penitents, many of whom were insured by destiny from that sort of -untimely end. The treadmill was unfortunately burnt, to the great -inconvenience of several industrious persons who were practising on it, -to qualify themselves for places of service where there was a good deal -of running upstairs. - -12th.—The paupers of Gripeham workhouse having been, under the new law, -deprived of their tobacco, deputed one old woman, as the _organ_ of the -rest, to demand a restoration of their _pipes_. The overseers withstood -her _fire_, and refused her _smoke_; however, at the suggestion of one -of their body who had learned Latin, they consented to allow her a -"_Quid_ pro quo." - -NOV. 15th.—The Society for the Protection of Animals held its yearly -meeting. The report stated, that in Billingsgate their efforts had met -with great success. In the following meritorious cases the large silver -medal was awarded:—To Diana Finn, for cracking the necks of a pound of -eels before she skinned them; to Simon Soft, for boiling his lobsters in -cold water; to Ephraim Hacket, for crimping cod with a blunted knife; -and to Felix Flat, for refusing to open live oysters. In other quarters -humanity was also progressing, and prizes were given to Hans Lever, for -drubbing a donkey with the _thin_ end of his cudgel, at the request of -an officer of this Society; and to Nicodemus Nacks, for consenting to -keep a plaster on his pony's _raw_, except on pleasure parties, and -other occasions requiring extra persuasion. The thanks of the Society -were voted to Daniel Dozer, Esq., of New River Head, for using dead -worms as a bait: and the gold medal to the same gentleman, for his -practice of angling without hooking the fish. A premium was also offered -by the Society for some preparation of ox(h)ide of iron, which shall -enable a bullock's back to resist a whacking. - -DEC. 7th.—Sir Harcourt Lees was frightened into fits by O'Connell's -ghost, which appeared in the shape of a moving _Mass_, with cloven feet, -a long _tail_, and the _Pope's eye_ in the middle of his forehead. - -18th.—During the exhibition of the gas microscope, the water tigers, -irritated by the intense blaze of light to which they were exposed, -after several tremendous efforts to escape, broke from their -confinement, and sprang among the spectators. Three young ladies from a -boarding school were instantly devoured. The ferocious animals next -turned their attention to the governess and an old teacher, who, proving -rather tough, afforded time for their keeper to secure them, which he -did by re-absorbing them in a drop of water on the point of a needle. - -[Illustration: - - NOVEMBER.—'Lord Mayor's Day' -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │1836.] │ NOVEMBER. │ - ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │When good Sir John has carried his bill, │ - │ │No dread of Term shall the poet fill, │ - │ │The Scholar shall _write_, and fear no _writ_, │ - │ │No _White Cross bars_ shall _bar_ his wit, │ - │ │The _Fleet, unmann'd_, no more alarm, │ - │ │The _King's Bench_ be but _an empty Form_. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│Murky │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 2│burky │ LORD MAYOR'S SHOW. │stage-coach │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 3│damp │ I SING of a jolly day, │ traveller │ - │ │ │ A civical holiday; │ │ - │ 4│and │ Some call a folly day: │ ♃ △ ☍ □ ♂ │ - │ │ │ Weather is foggified; │ │ - │ 5│drear │ Mechanics get groggified, │ │ - │ │ │ Citizens hoggified: │ journeyeth │ - │ 6│see │ The rain it is drizzling, │ │ - │ │ │ Mizzling, frizzling; │ │ - │ 7│this │ Streets are all slippery; │ ♈ ☊ ♍ │ - │ │ │ Girls sport their frippery: │ │ - │ 8│gloomy │ Sweethearts are squeezing 'em, │ │ - │ │ │ Pleasing 'em,—teazing 'em. │ outside │ - │ 9│month │ Rabble are bawling, O! │ │ - │ │ │ Women are squalling, O! │ │ - │10│appear │ Banners are waving, │the vehicle;│ - │ │ │ Policemen are staving │ │ - │11│London │ On heads misbehaving: │ │ - │ │ │ Ward beadles bustling, │ │ - │12│fill'd │ Pickpockets hustling; │ □ ♃ △ ♂ │ - │ │ │ People tip-toeing it: │ │ - │13│with │ Swell mob are going it, │ │ - │ │ │ Making sly snatches │ when │ - │14│slush │ At brooches and watches. │ │ - │ │ │ Horses are neighing, │ he should │ - │15│and fog │ Urchins huzzaing; │ │ - │ │ │ Trumpets are braying; │ snugly │ - │16│looks │ Trombones are grumbling, │ │ - │ │ │ Bassoons are rumbling, │ ensconce │ - │17│just │ Clarinets speaking, │ │ - │ │ │ Piccoloes squeaking. │ himself │ - │18│like an │See, there goes the armour man; │ │ - │ │ │Ne'er was a calmer man; │ within; │ - │19│Irish │Sitting inside the _mail_, he │ │ - │ │ │Looks a little bit paly. │ │ - │20│bog │And hark! what a drumming! │ ♈ ☍ ♉ ♋ ♎ │ - │ │ │The Lord Mayor is coming; │ │ - │21│every │And here are the Aldermen, │with divers │ - │ │ │There's very few balder men; │ │ - │22│trouble │And there march the Livery, │ │ - │ │ │Looking quite shivery; │ and sundry │ - │23│now │In and out straggling, │ │ - │ │ │Thro' the mud draggling. │ │ - │24│seems │I'm sure the poor sinners │ ♊ ♒ ☿ ♍ │ - │ │ │Must long for their dinners. │ │ - │25│double │Well, now the fun's over │ │ - │ │ │They'll fatten in clover; │ │ - │26│and the │And afterwards drink on it. │ such-like │ - │ │ │So, what do you think on it? │ │ - │27│worst │Don't it shew quite effectual │ │ - │ │ │The March Intellectual? │ │ - │28│in all │ │ ♀ ♈ ☍ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │29│the │ │ sad │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │30│year. │ │ mischances │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - _Extracts from the Proceedings of the Association of British - Illuminati, at their Annual Meeting, held in Dublin, - August, 1835._ - -DR. HOAXUM read an interesting paper on the conversion of moonbeams into -substance, and rendering shadows permanent, both of which he had -recently exemplified in the establishment of some public companies, -whose prospectuses he laid upon the table. - -Mr. Babble produced his calculating machine, and its wonderful powers -were tested in many ways by the audience. It supplied to Captain Sir -John North an accurate computation of the distance between a quarto -volume and a cheesemonger's shop; and solved a curious question as to -the decimal proportions of cunning and credulity, which, worked by the -rule of allegation, would produce a product of 10,000_l._ - -Professor Von Hammer described his newly-discovered process for breaking -stones by an algebraic fraction. - -Mr. Crowsfoot read a paper on the natural history of the Rook. He -defended their _caws_ with great _effect_, and proved that there is not -a _grain_ of truth in the charges against them, which only arise from -_Grub_ Street malice. - -The Rev. Mr. Groper exhibited the skin of a toad, which he discovered -alive in a mass of sandstone. The animal was found engaged on its -auto-biography, and died of fright on having its house so suddenly -broken into, being probably of a nervous habit from passing so much time -alone. Some extracts from its memoir were read, and found exceedingly -interesting. Its thoughts on the "silent system" of prison discipline, -though written _in the dark_, strictly agreed with those of our most -_enlightened_ political economists. - -Dr. Deady read a scientific paper on the manufacture of Hydro-_gin_, -which greatly interested those of the association who were members of -Temperance Societies. - -Mr. Croak laid on the table an essay from the Cabinet Makers' Society, -on the construction of _frog-stools_. - -Professor Parley exhibited his speaking machine, which distinctly -articulated the words "_Repale! Repale!_" to the great delight of many -of the audience. The learned Professor stated that he was engaged on -another, for the use of his Majesty's Ministers, which would already -say, "My Lords and Gentlemen;" and he doubted not, by the next meeting -of Parliament, would be able to pronounce the whole of the opening -speech. - -Mr. Multiply produced, and explained the principle of, his exaggerating -machine. He displayed its amazing powers on the mathematical point, -which, with little trouble, was made to appear as large as a -coach-wheel. He demonstrated its utility in all the relations of -society, as applied to the failings of the absent—the growth of a tale -of scandal—the exploits of travellers, &c. &c. - -The Author of the "Pleasures of Hope" presented, through a member, a -very amusing Essay on the gratification arising from the throttling of -crying children; but as the ladies would not leave the room, it could -not be read. - -Captain North exhibited some shavings of the real Pole, and a small -bottle which, he asserted, contained scintillations of the Aurora -Borealis, from which, he stated, he had succeeded in extracting pure -gold. He announced that his nephew was preparing for a course of similar -experiments, of which he expected to know the result in October. The -gallant Captain then favoured the company with a dissertation on -phrenology, of which, he said, he had been a believer for thirty years. -He stated that he had made many valuable verifications of that science -on the skulls of the Esquimaux; and that, in his recent tour in quest of -subscribers to his book, his great success had been mainly attributable -to his phrenological skill; for that, whenever he had an opportunity of -feeling for soft places in the heads of the public, he knew in a moment -whether he should get a customer or not. He said that whether in the -examination of ships' heads or sheep's heads—in the choice of horses or -housemaids, he had found the science of pre-eminent utility. He related -the following remarkable phrenological cases:—A man and woman were -executed in Scotland for murder on presumptive evidence; but another -criminal confessed to the deed, and a reprieve arrived the day after the -execution. The whole country was horrified; but Captain North having -examined their heads, he considered, from the extraordinary size of -their destructive organs, that the sentence was prospectively just, for -they must have become murderers, had they escaped hanging then. Their -infant child, of six months old, was brought to him, and perceiving on -its head the same fatal tendencies, he determined to avert the evil; for -which purpose, by means of a pair of moulds, he so compressed the skull -in its vicious propensities, and enlarged it in its virtuous ones, that -the child grew up a model of perfection. The second instance was of a -married couple, whose lives were a continued scene of discord till they -parted. On examining their heads scientifically, he discovered the -elementary causes of their unhappiness. Their skulls were unfortunately -too thick to be treated as in the foregoing case; but, causing both -their heads to be shaved, he by dint of planing down in some places, and -laying on padding in others, contrived to produce all the requisite -phrenological developments, and they were then living a perfect pattern -of conjugal felicity, "a thing which could not have happened without -phrenology." (This dissertation was received with loud applauses from -the entire assembly, whose phrenological organs becoming greatly -excited, and developed in an amazing degree by the enthusiasm of the -subject, they all fell to examining each others' bumps with such -eagerness that the meeting dissolved in confusion.) - - - THE NOTORIOUS UNKNOWN. - - "Oh, no! we never mention HER, HER name is never heard;" - And how the deuce to find it out, I knew not, on my word. - But tho' I could not tell HER name, HER face I'd often seen, - "She stood among the glitt'ring throng," with Jacky in the green. - - A ladle in one hand she bore, a salt-box in the other; - And of the Sooty Cupids near, she seemed the teeming mother. - "I met HER at the Fancy Fair," with Fancy lads around her, - And with a blow she laid one low, as flat as any flounder. - - "I saw HER at the Beulah Spa," along with Gipsey Joe, - A-riding on a donkey rough, vitch, somehow, vouldn't go. - I saw HER ply her sybil art, and pick up cash like fun, - For heads and tails she gave them hearts, and pleasur'd every one. - - "I saw HER at the Masquerade," along with Nimming Ned, - Achieve those feats, where fingers light work nimbler than the head. - I saw HER too at All-Max once (not Almack's in the west), - "'Twas in a crowd,"—her voice was loud: I mustn't tell the rest. - - I saw HER at the "Central Court," (it gave me quite a shock,) - Surrounded by her body guard, she stood within the dock. - And then I heard a little man with solemn voice proclaim, - ('Twas rue to me, and wormwood too), that ALIAS was her name! - - - THE FIVE BELLES. - - "My own blue belle, my pretty blue belle," - How deeply in love with thee I fell! - And graciously you receiv'd my suit, - While digging away at a Hebrew root: - But ah! you us'd me wondrous shabby, - To turn me off for a Jewish Rabbi. - - My next fair belle was a lively dame; - But I found if I dar'd to advance my claim, - And ventur'd to marry the lovely _Bel_, - I should take to my arms the _Dragon_ as well. - For such an event I was too old a stager, - So I yielded her up to a triple Bob Major. - - Now belle the third was a charming belle, - Who many a tale of love could tell; - But just as I thought that "constancy - Was only another name for she," - Away she ran with an Irish fellow, - And basely proved a _horrida Bella_. - - The belle my fancy next did choose - Stood six feet high in her low-heel'd shoes; - But when I took courage my tale to tell, - My _Belle Sauvage_ prov'd a _savage belle_. - I didn't much mind her being a strapper, - But I couldn't endure her terrible clapper. - - But belle the fifth was the belle for me; - I was charm'd by her sweet taciturnity. - To ring this belle I a wish possess'd, - But _dumb bells_ always open the _chest_, - Which made me fear she'd get to the _till_, - And so, alas! I'm a bachelor still. - - - Advertisements Extraordinary. - -THE INDUSTRIOUS FLEAS will continue to perform their operations in every -part of the British dominions, most especially during the Summer months, -to the infinite delight and satisfaction of millions of his Majesty's -subjects, many thousands of whom have expressed themselves quite tickled -with their ingenuity. - - * * * * * - -MR. PUFF respectfully announces that he is authorized to state, that he -has received instructions to declare, that he will submit to public -competition the whole of the superb and genuine HOUSEHOLD FURNITURE and -EFFECTS of the late SIMON SQUANDER, Esq., deceased: comprising, among -other valuables, a capital cast-iron library, containing upwards of 5000 -wooden volumes, bound in calf, and 500 illegible manuscripts beautifully -printed; an excellent self-willed never acting pianoforte; a superb -suite of wrought iron window curtains; four splendid cobweb carpets; an -invisible sofa; two capital India-rubber mirrors; a large stock of flint -table and bed-linen; straw fenders and fire irons; leather -looking-glasses; a set of calico dining tables, with chairs _en suite_; -about 10,000 ounces of pewter plate; and an excellent paper clock, -warranted not to go. The whole will be sold by auction, without reserve, -on the First of April next. Catalogues to be had of the Auctioneer. - - * * * * * - -MOST REMARKABLE FACT!—There are now living at Manchester, six persons, -whose united ages reach the enormous amount of one hundred and twenty -years! And, strange to say, they are all in full possession of their -ordinary faculties! - -[Illustration: - - DECEMBER—'Boxing Day' -] - - ┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │1836.] │ DECEMBER. │ - ├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │Holiday joys have some alloys,— │ - │ │ For many they're bitter pills, │ - │ │When all the dearest _ducks_ come home │ - │ │ From school, with their long _bills_, │ - │ │And the noisy waits at midnight chime, │ - │ │Convince you it is _Wakation_ time. │ - ├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │ - │ D│ Signs. │ │ │ - ├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 1│The │ │ │ - │ │ │ "BOXIANA." │ │ - │ 2│season's │ │ Now │ - │ │ │I HATE the very name of _box_; │ │ - │ 3│signs │ It fills me full of fears: │would it not│ - │ │ │It 'minds me of the woes I've felt │ │ - │ 4│this │ Since I was young in years. │ be better │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 5│month │They sent me to a Yorkshire school, │ ⚹ ♄ ♓ ☉ ♄ │ - │ │ │ Where I had many knocks; │ │ - │ 6│do │For there my schoolmates _box'd_ my ears, │ │ - │ │ │ Because I couldn't _box_. │ │ - │ 7│greatly │ │ than such │ - │ │ │I pack'd my _box_; I pick'd the locks; │ │ - │ 8│vary │ And ran away to sea; │ │ - │ │ │And very soon I learnt to _box_ │ │ - │ 9│in │ The compass merrily. │ ☌ ♄ ♂ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │10│manner │I came ashore—I call'd a coach, │ │ - │ │ │ And mounted on the _box_; │ weather │ - │11│too │The coach upset against a post, │ │ - │ │ │ And gave me dreadful knocks. │ wisdom │ - │12│that's │ │ │ - │ │ │I soon got well; in love I fell, │ as this, │ - │13│most │ And married Martha Cox; │ │ - │ │ │To please her will, at fam'd _Box_ Hill, │ │ - │14│extr'or- │ I took a country _box_. │ ☽ ☿ ♍ ♊ ♉ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │15│dinary: │I had a pretty garden there, │ │ - │ │ │ All border'd round with _box_; │ that I │ - │ │ │ │ should │ - │16│if you │But ah, alas! there liv'd, next door, │ │ - │ │ │ A certain Captain Knox. │ arrive │ - │17│are │ │ │ - │ │ │He took my wife to see the play;— │ at the end │ - │18│rich │ They had a private _box_; │ │ - │ │ │I jealous grew, and from that day │of my tether│ - │19│why │I hated Captain Knox. │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │20│then │I sold my house—I left my wife;— │ ♃ ♄ ♍ │ - │ │ │ And went to Lawyer Fox, │ │ - │21│you're │Who tempted me to seek redress │ │ - │ │ │ All from a jury _box_. │ without │ - │22│warm │ │ │ - │ │ │I went to law, whose greedy maw │ │ - │23│and │ Soon emptied my strong _box_; │ having │ - │ │ │I lost my suit, and cash to boot, │ │ - │24│jolly, │ All thro' that crafty Fox. │ │ - │ │ │ │ prophecied │ - │25│but if │The name of _box_ I therefore dread, │ │ - │ │ │ I've had so many shocks; │ │ - │26│you're │They'll never end,—for when I'm dead │ ☍ ♀ ☽ ♐ │ - │ │ │ They'll nail me in a _box_. │ │ - │27│poor,— │ │ │ - │ │ │ │anything at │ - │28│cold │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ all about │ - │29│hungry │ │ │ - │ │ │ │the matter? │ - │30│melan- │ │ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │31│choly. │ │ ♀ ♐ ♄ ♊ ♑ │ - │ │ │ │ │ - └──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - FINALE. - - My task is done! but, ere I "drown my book," - And "break my staff," I'll take a parting look. - - If I have made a fool, in sportive fit, - A lapstone meet, whereon to shape my wit, - So gently have I used him, that, with care, - He'll serve my purpose for another year: - As old Majendie skinned the Italian hound, - And time too short for demonstration found, - Then told his pupils, if they managed right, - They'd keep the dog alive another night. - - Of embryo asses I've a pretty store, - Who crave a flaying in a twelvemonth more; - Subjects of every colour and complexion, - Contending for the honour of dissection; - While some there are, who, blest in their condition, - Would waive the honours of my exhibition. - As bashful Bishops, at an ordination, - Cry "_Nolo_," to the gentle invitation: - And some, the only merit of whose life - Will be, their forming victims for my knife. - - Now, John,—not Sir John Ross—I mean John Bull - Thou silly, soft, good-natured, guileless gull! - Why wilt thou let each knave enrich his nest - With treasures pilfered from thy downy breast? - Pill-bolting glutton of all sorts of trash! - In jest or earnest needing still the lash, - Thy cure (no sinecure) will keep, I fear, - My rod in pickle for another year. - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1837. - - - ┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┐ - │ JANUARY. │ [1837.│ - ├──┬─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┤ - │ │ Now folks trudge on with muffled faces, │ - │ │To meet Dan Winter's cold embraces; │ - │ │But he has not the freezing air, │ - │ │That upstart, purse-proud worldlings wear. │ - │ │ Now mischief-making urchins plan, │ - │ │With glassy slide, the fall of man; │ - │ │But Summer friends, with Wint'ry looks, │ - │ │Are slipp'rier far than icy brooks. │ - ├──┼─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │_Prognosti- │ - │ │ │fications._ │ - ├──┼─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│Curaçoa taken (rather too freely). │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 2│The _Sandwich_ Islands discovered by a _Cook_. │ Touching │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 3│ Let shame and foul disgrace betide the enervated │ the Stars, │ - │ │ land, which │ │ - │ │ Forsakes old English suppers for that make-believe,│ │ - │ │ a Sandwich. │ │ - │ 4│ │ ♄ ☉ ☌ ♊ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 5│Dividends due. Very _Consoling_, but "Take care of │ │ - │ │ your pockets!" │ │ - │ │ │ (That │ - │ 6│TWELFTH DAY. _Hilarity_ Term ends. │ │ - │ │ │ is to say │ - │ 7│ │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 8│General Election. _Tower Hamlets voters soak their_│ ☊ ♄ ♂ ☉ │ - │ │ Clay, _and vote_ │ │ - │ │_for_ Lushington.—_Lambeth ditto give three_ │ │ - │ 9│hips _for_ Hawes, _and huzza_! │ with a │ - │ │ │ │ - │10│[Illustration] │ figurative │ - │ │ │ │ - │11│_Cayenne_ taken by as-_salt_, 1809. Enemy well │tangibility,│ - │ │ _peppered_. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │12│ │ ⚹ ☉ │ - │ │ │ │ - │13│ │ │ - │ │ │seeing they │ - │14│[Illustration] │ │ - │ │ │ are out of │ - │15│ │ │ - │ │ │ our reach) │ - │16│ FROZE-OUT GARDENERS. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │17│ Poor half-starv'd, froze-out Gardeners, good │ ♂ ♄ │ - │ │ gentlefolk, we be— │ │ - │ │ Hard lines for us, my masters all, as ever you did │ │ - │ │ see; │ │ - │18│ We sits among the trenches in a shake and in a │ │ - │ │ shiver, │ │ - │ │ And our poor little babbies are without a bit of │I do opine, │ - │ │ kiver; │ │ - │19│ Like snails among the cabbages, they curls │ │ - │ │ themselves around, │ │ - │ │ Or, like the little caterpillars, grubbing on the │ that │ - │ │ ground. │ │ - │20│ We wanders home and dreads to hear of some mishap │ │ - │ │ or other, │ │ - │ │ And scarcely dares to ax the pretty darlings │ whereas, │ - │ │ "_how's your mother?_" │ │ - │21│ │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │22│Lord BACON born. (Query, The _Fry-er_.) │ ♏ ♄ ☌ ♀ │ - │ │ │ │ - │23│ _She sold her mangle_ long ago,—'twere better far │ │ - │ │ nor prigging; │ │ - │ │ For we only turns up spades whene'er we tries our │ according │ - │ │ hands at digging. │ │ - │24│ Without some rain 'tis all in vain. Alack! our │ │ - │ │ hearts is breaking, │ │ - │ │ And surely we should break our _teeth_ if we should│ to Hamlet, │ - │ │ go a-_raking_: │ │ - │25│ So, night and day, we ever pray the frost it may be│ │ - │ │ going, │ │ - │ │ No more they'll let us _owe_, unless we gets a │ │ - │ │ little _hoe_ing: │ │ - │26│ The parish board don't heed our word; but, looking │ ♌ ☋ │ - │ │ black or blue, │ │ - │ │ They reads the Hact o' Parliament, and then cries— │ │ - │ │ "_Who are you?_" │ │ - │27│ So help the froze-out Gardeners, kind masters every│ there are │ - │ │ one, │ │ - │ │ For while _you_'re sporting on the ice, _we_'re │ │ - │ │ starving till it's gone. │ │ - │28│ │more things │ - │ │ │ │ - │29│ │ in │ - │ │ │ │ - │30│Lecture on _Heads_ at Whitehall. Price, a _crown_. │ heaven and │ - │ │ │ │ - │31│Ben Jonson born. "Shikspur—who wrote Shikspur?" │ earth │ - │ │ │ │ - └──┴─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - -[Illustration: - - JANUARY,—Last Year's Bills. -] - - - CHRISTMAS BILLS. - - (_Mrs. Figgins loquitur._) - - Merry Christmas and happy New Year! - Here's a bundle of "little accounts:" - And their bearers left word they'd be glad - If you'd settle their little amounts. - They've all got "large sums" to "make up," - And cannot wait longer, they swear: - So I wish you the joys of the season— - Merry Christmas and happy New Year! - - Here's the doctor's—a horrid long bill— - And he vows he's as badly as you; - For his patients wont pay him a groat, - And he's dying of _Tick_ Doloreux. - But he says he's consulted a friend, - A lawyer that lives very near: - So I wish you the joys of the season— - Merry Christmas and happy New Year! - - The surgeon's is not a whit less: - At its items I really shiver'd: - A hundred for Sally's confinement; - A hundred to "Bill delivered." - A hundred for mixtures and pills - (I think it's uncommonly dear): - But I wish you the joys of the season— - Merry Christmas and happy New Year! - - The baker has brought you a roll - Which will take you a month to digest: - He looks most uncommonly crusty, - And says that, of all trades, he's blest - If a baker's is not the most _kneady_; - And hints at John _Dough_; and I fear— - But I wish you the joys of the season, - Merry Christmas and happy New Year! - - The poult'rer his "Game Bill" has brought: - This year's—and last year's in addition, - Twelve guineas for Black-cock alone, - Which I think is a _grouse_ imposition. - Ten guineas for pheasants and hares! - And he charges his ven'son as _deer_. - But I wish you the joys of the season— - Merry Christmas and happy New Year! - - Here's your butcher—the city M.P.— - Begs to "_ax_ leave to bring in his _bill_." - It takes up six folio pages: - Good heavens! it's as long as a will. - He says times are quite out of _joint_; - And he _must_ have the cash; so, my dear, - I wish you the joys of the season— - Merry Christmas and happy New Year! - - Your grocer abuses you _grossly_, - Your hatter, and tailor _surtout_; - Your saddler's been going on sadly, - And your green-grocer looks very blue. - The brewer is down in the hall, - And wont stir till he's paid for his beer; - So I wish you the joys of the season— - Merry Christmas and happy New Year! - - Then there's _my_ little bill of two hundred - For laces and trimmings—but laws! - You wont grudge your poor rib a few ribbons; - Will you, duck?—and ten guineas for gauze. - And a hundred for bonnets and hats, - And my last di'mond set—such a dear!— - Kiss me, love! Oh! the joys of the season! - Merry Christmas and happy New Year! - - And the ponies—my pet little Grey, - And Miss Slimlegs, and Giraffe, and Beauty: - (But you know, love, they're all under size, - And so don't pay a farthing of duty;) - The coach-hacks, _but_ two hundred pounds: - (We don't drive our own tits—_that's_ dear:) - So I wish you the joys of the season— - Merry Christmas and happy New Year! - - And, oh dear! here's a note from your steward! - He says your estate he's been round, - And examined your books and your papers; - And you can't pay a crown in the pound. - There's writs out against you by scores; - You're surrounded by tipstaves and bums; - So I wish you, my love, a good Christmas! - And a happy New Year—when it comes! - -[Illustration: - - FEBRUARY.—Valentine's Day. -] - - ┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬──────────────┐ - │ FEBRUARY. │ [1837.│ - ├──┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────┴──────────────┤ - │ │No more the farmer's dame shall rue │ - │ │The slaughter of her poultry crew; │ - │ │Compell'd, this month, to sign a truce │ - │ │With turkey, donkey, pig, and goose, │ - │ │The Cockney Sportsman grounds his arms, │ - │ │And dicky birds are free from harms; │ - │ │Percussion guns become a jest, │ - │ │Put on their _caps_, and _go to rest_. │ - ├──┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────┬──────────────┤ - │D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │ _Prognosti- │ - │ │ │ fications._ │ - ├──┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────┼──────────────┤ - │ 1│New River begun, 1608. Drunk _at a Temperance │ than │ - │ │ meeting_ 1836. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 2│_Candle_MAS DAY. Some _dark_ affair now brought to │ ☍ ♀ △ ♐ │ - │ │ _light_. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 3│BLAISE. "Farmers, look to your ricks!"—SWING. │ │ - │ │ │ are dreamt │ - │ 4│A _fair_ warms the bosom of Old Father Thames, │ │ - │ │ 1814. │ │ - │ │ │ of in our │ - │ 5│ │ │ - │ │[Illustration] │ philosophy, │ - │ 6│ │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 7│SHROVE TUES. A great _Fry_-day. Mrs. FRY │ ♀ ⚹ ♎ │ - │ │ _pan_-egyrised. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 8│ │ │ - │ │ │ so are │ - │ 9│[Illustration] │ │ - │ │ │ there other │ - │10│ │ │ - │ │ │ aspects, │ - │11│Sir Jeffery Dunstan. "No real _k_night." │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │12│1 SUNDAY IN LENT. _Corporal_ punishment promoted by│ ⊕ ♄ ♌ ♀ │ - │ │ _General_ Fast. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │13│ │ besides │ - │ │ │ │ - │14│VALENTINE. All Fools' Day. │ sideral │ - │ │ │ │ - │15│ │ ones, │ - │ │ │ │ - │16│ VALENTINE TO MISS MARTINEAU. │ that do │ - │ │ │ │ - │17│"Come, live with me, and be my love," │ marvellously │ - │ │And we to all the world will prove │ │ - │18│"That hill and valley, grove and field" │ influence │ - │ │Are waste, if Nature's stores they yield; │ │ - │19│While rustic joys and simple swains │ ♉☊♀ │ - │ │Are nought compared to rich men's gains. │ │ - │20│We'll demonstrate, to please the Tabbies, │ and affect │ - │ │That none but boobies will have babbies, │ │ - │21│And dose and diet all the nation, │ us. │ - │ │To check the growing population. │ │ - │22│Our virgin thoughts, as pure as "_vargis_," │ ♐ ♋ │ - │ │Will ne'er increase the public charges; │ │ - │23│So cease in frowns thy face to deck, │ The │ - │ │Thy mind's the best _preventive check_. │ │ - │24│ │configurations│ - │ │[Illustration] │ │ - │ │ [Illustration] │ │ - │25│ │ of the │ - │ │ │ │ - │26│[Illustration] │constellations│ - │ │ │ │ - │27│ │ ♀ ♅ ⚹ ☿ │ - │ │ │ do not │ - │28│Hare-hunting ends. Cats'-skins rise. │ augur more │ - └──┴───────────────────────────────────────────────────┴──────────────┘ - - - VALENTINE'S DAY. - - Oh! love, love, love, love, love, love, love! - What plaguy work you make! - From New Year's day to New Year's day - No rest you seem to take. - - And yet you're but a little chap: - To me it seems most odd, - That folks should truckle thus to thee, - Thou Semi-Demi-God! - - The day of all the livelong year - That you most brightly shine, - Is February's fourteenth day, - Illustrious Valentine. - - Oh! then what breaking of young hearts! - What fits! what swoons! what cries! - And sobs of ev'ry kind and sort, - And _sighs_ of ev'ry _size_! - - No day makes such a stir as this: - (Not even the king's natal:) - Of all the fêtes, O Valentine! - Thy _fête_ is the most _fatal_. - - All other _feasts_ are sinking _fast_, - But yours shall ne'er decline: - And oh! among _read letter_ days, - What day can match with thine? - - All now to Love their homage pay: - From him that guides the plough, - To him that guides the state;—the king - Himself's a _court-ier_ now. - - Love leads poor mortals such a dance - O'er hill and over plain, - The world seems like one vast quadrille - The figure, _Ladies' chain_. - - In fact, 'tis Nature's grand _Court_ day, - When high and low you meet: - The noble with his am'rous _train_; - The beggar with his _suite_. - - There's not a trade or mystery, - But love finds means to bind: - The very blacksmith at his forge - Feels _hammer-ously_ inclined. - - Jack Ketch himself from Cupid's noose - By no means feels secure. - The butcher—heretofore so hard— - Feels in his heart a skewer. - - The miser (harder far than both) - Now opens with avidity - His chest—his heart, I meant to say:— - For _Cupid_, cuts _Cupidity_. - - The beasts are just in the same plight; - The horse, the ass, the steer: - The lion's found his "own true love;" - The stag has got his _deer_. - - The little mouse, tho' small he be, - Courts after his own fashion: - The very _mite's_ obliged to own - That love's a _mite-y_ passion. - - The very birds are caught: the crow - In amorous despondence, - His carrion leaves, to _carry on_ - A tender correspondence. - - And while Miss Grace invites her beau - With her at eve to wander, - The goose, whose quill she gently wields, - Is gone to meet her gander. - - Since birds and beasts don't die for love, - T'were sillier than a goose, - Because I can't tie Hymen's _knot_, - To dangle in a _noose_. - - Fresh bonds I'll seek, tho' I should roam - From England to Owhyee: - And for my death (fixed for to-day) - Postpone it _sine die_. - - ┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬───────────────┐ - │ MARCH. │[Illustration] │ - ├─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┼───────────────┤ - │Come, tell me what's MARCH like? A bully, I trow, │ │ - │Who runs up, and blinds you by giving a _blow_; │ │ - │Or a saucy Drill Serjeant, with swaggering airs, │ │ - │Who the rustic recruit by his blustering scares;— │ │ - │Or a Serjeant-_at-law_, who so craftily tries, │ │ - │In a tempest of words, to _throw dust in your eyes_. │ │ - ├──┬──────────────────────────────────────────────────┼───────────────┤ - │D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │ _Prognosti- │ - │ │ │ fications._ │ - ├──┼──────────────────────────────────────────────────┼───────────────┤ - │ 1│ST. DAVID'S DAY. Prince of _Whales_ caught at the │ │ - │ │ Nore, where he springs a _leak_. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 2│Death of _Boil-eau_. Kitchen maids go into │ commotions │ - │ │ _mourning_. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 3│ │ and │ - │ │ OPENING OF PARLIAMENT. │ │ - │ 4│ │consternations │ - │ │The tables of both Houses groan with Petitions │ │ - │ │ from all classes │ │ - │ 5│of His Majesty's subjects. Among the most │ ♄ ♉ │ - │ │ important will be │ │ - │ │found the prayer of the half-starved _Hacks_ to be│ │ - │ │ exported to │ │ - │ 6│_Otaheite_; the petition of the _Dogs_ against the│ to Great │ - │ │ _truck_ system; the │ │ - │ │appeal of the _Cats_ to the King for an asylum, in│ │ - │ │ _Lap_-land, from │ │ - │ 7│the suit of the _Skinners'_ Company; the petition │ Britain, │ - │ │ of the _Ducks_ to │ │ - │ │be presented by Mr. _Poulter_, for the │ │ - │ │ discontinuance of Bean │ │ - │ 8│Feasts, to be supported by Mr. _Pease_; the │ ♅ ☋ ♊ ☿ │ - │ │ memorial of the _Hogs_ │ │ - │ │against breakfast _bacon_, and offering to prove │ │ - │ │ it all _gammon_; the │ │ - │ 9│humble prayer of the Whitebait of Blackwall to be │ than do │ - │ │ excused attendance │ │ - │ │at the Cabinet Ministers' dinners; ditto from Mr. │ │ - │ │ _Place_ │ │ - │10│(it is supposed neither will be dispensed with); │ divers other │ - │ │ the memorial of │ │ - │ │the men of genius as to the foundation of a │ │ - │ │ college for the cultivation │ │ - │11│of the _Muses_ among the _Happy-nine_ mountains, │ aspects │ - │ │ and the petition │ │ - │ │of the Royal Society of _Beggars_ for leave to │ │ - │ │ hold their court │ │ - │12│in the ruins of _Rag_-land Castle. │ ♌ ♑ ♓ │ - │ │ │ │ - │13│ │ denote │ - │ │ │ │ - │14│ │ sundry │ - │ │ │ │ - │15│Isaac Walton died. │ mishaps │ - │ │ │ │ - │16│ EPITAPH. │ and │ - │ │ │ │ - │17│Rejoice, ye little fishes all! │ mischances │ - │ │ Ye tickle-bats and minnows! │ │ - │18│A human _pike_ without a _sole_, │ ⚹ ☍ ♀ ♈ │ - │ │ Has left this world of sinners. │ │ - │19│Ye gentle gentils, grieve no more! │ to Little │ - │ │ Your pangs perhaps he feels; │ │ - │20│For now a greedier _pike_, grim Death, │ Britain; │ - │ │ Has laid him by the h_eels_. │ │ - │21│ │ and if │ - │ │[Illustration] │ │ - │22│ │ │ - │ │ │ ♑ ☌ ♎ │ - │23│_Cannon_-ization of Antwerp, 1832. │ │ - │ │ │ the lord of │ - │24│Captain Parry among the Esquimaux. Great _Seal_ │ │ - │ │ stolen. │ │ - │ │ │ the Sixth │ - │25│[Illustration] │ │ - │ │ │ House, │ - │26│ │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │27│Easter Monday. Epping Hunt. │ ♊ ⚹ ♄ ♀ │ - │ │ │ │ - │28│ │ among │ - │ │ │ │ - │29│[Illustration] │ the │ - │ │ │ │ - │30│ │constellations,│ - │ │ │ │ - │31│ │ ☋ ♌ │ - └──┴──────────────────────────────────────────────────┴───────────────┘ - -[Illustration: - - MARCH.—Tossing the Pancake. -] - - - THOMAS GARDENER TO SALLY COOK. - -"I tak up my pen with much pleasure to inform yew that i hav bean quiet -Mizzerabl evver sins i left my plase. Evvery think has gon rong from -that day to this, i hav ad no Turnups to speek of in my gardn & no Peas -in my mind. i offen think of the appy days we ust to spend, partickly -our Soft tewsdys wen yew ust to tos us up them nice apel friters wile -the rest of the sirvents was obleigt to put up with nothink but plane -pan caks without nayther apels nor sugger. O saly! i offen sets & thinks -that luv is jest like a friing pan & won's art like a pan cak frizzling -in the midl on it. - -"Ive nevver repentid leveing but onst and thats evver sins. But i wasent -agoin to stand bean dun out of my perquizzits by masters pertending he -ad a rites to cum into the gardn wennever he likt & get my peeches & -necktrings, jest becaws it was hisn, and giv away my Cabidges and -Lettises without so much as with your Leaf or by your Leaf, to say -nothink about the rumpus he maid about them 2 or 3 graps & acusing me of -Boneing the Bone mannure, & wors then al, eaping them 2 tun of coles on -my hed wich i no moor stole em then yew did saly, & after turning me -away on account of the Coles wanting to Cokes me bak agen. - -"Deer saly, my place hear is verry cumfuttabl, but i am verry -uncumfuttabl in it on acount of my Bean in sich a tendar pashun with -Yew. O lav, luv! i am grew as thin as a lath and hav found out wot it is -not to hav cuk for a swete hart. Our under ous made is verry fond on me -but wats the use of ous mades, won carnt heat brumes and skrubbin -brushs. O saly saly! yew wood ardly no me i am as week as a kittin, i -can scace andl my Spade & its all Hoeing to yew. i set ours & ours in -the forsing ous doing nothink but thinking of yewr perty face, & i offen -think ow appy we mite be with yewr 2 underd pound as yewr Grand muther -left yew, & yewr 50 pound in the saveing bank, & my 5 pound as Jorge -Hawl the squir's futman as is gone away ows me. We mite take a Publik -ous, the Pig & wissle for instants, & get a gud bisnes & be as appy as -the day is lung. Saly luv wat do yew say to me, let me no your mind, but -rimmember wat i sed about the Publik is strickly Privet. - -"Deer saly, i carnt abuse my noo mastr & missus, at least not at -pressent, they are uncomon kind to me & so is al the fammaly. The 2 -former blungs to a Linean sowsiaty & to ear em tawk aboat Bottany is -rely quite Transporting. We ad the annywal sho the uther day wich is -cunducktid in the most aprovd maner namely giving prises to al the -supskribers, wich givs gennaral sattisfaxion and advarnses siance. It -tuk place in the town all on wensdy last for Pinks Dailys and settera, -on wich okashun master was brote in Furst mule, & missus Furst fireball, -& i beg to anounce in the veggytibl line i was juged to be the Bigest -cabbige head out of 40. The sowsiaty has dun a gud deal of gud hear -abouts in regard of kichin gardn stuf, namely redishs so larg as not to -be told from carots, & peas like Led bulits, boath wich is nothink in -cumparryson of their turnups wich they hav at last suckseeded in growin -em so big & ollow as is gud for nothink but litle bys to make Jack a -lantans off. The sowsiaty increses annywaly evry ear, & oposishun is got -to sich a hite as yew woodent bleav. The uther day 1 poor felow, Bean -bete in his Carrots, axualy went ome & cut his Carrotid hartary. -Annother grate advarntidge is the onnerrery members dining togather -after the sho & eting up al the Best frute, by wich in Coarse they no -wear to aply to annother time wen they want anny. The rest is sold to -pay xpences. Allso it is a verry gud thing for the markit gardners, anny -1 of woom by paying 2 shilin entrants & sending in a 5 shilin baskit of -veggytibles stands a charnse of wining a ½ crown prise. - -"For my own part i am Bcuming quite bottannycle & no the lattin to -evrythink. It wood sirprize my old butty James to ear me nocking the ard -words about. Tel him with my best cumplyments he nose nothink. For -instants Tel him a rose isent no sich thing but only a Pollyandrew, -allso by the same rule a Merrygold is nuthink but a Merryandrew, and sow -on of the rest. But studdiing Bottany doant Leav 1 much time for wurking -in the gardn, & i am sory to say my things is luking verry bad, -partickly my Dailys wich is groan quite Weekly, and my Melons cutting a -verry Melon-koly apearance. - -"Owevver i must cum to an end, so deer saly rimmember my cumplements to -Jon butler, & Tummas futman, & Robbart cochman, & Deer saly doant Forget -yourself. And saly, doant hay nothink to say to your noo Gardner, for -betwene yew & me, as yew ust to say of cuks, gardners is no grate shaks. -So doant nevver luv nobdy but Me for deer saly my luv for yew is Hardy -Peranual. So gud Boy my deer Gal - - "from your hafectionet - "TUMMAS HOLLYOKE." - -[Illustration: - - APRIL.—Return from the Races. -] - - ┌─────────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │ [Illustration] │ APRIL. │ - ├──┬──────────────┴───────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │Hail, shopping! dear delicious pain! │ - │ │Can April _showers_ control thy _reign_? │ - │ │Or check the pace of _slippery_ feet, │ - │ │Up Ludgate Hill or Regent Street: │ - │ │Ah, me! what bliss to have a wife │ - │ │So boldly dare the weather's strife! │ - │ │Careful alike,—or something worse,— │ - │ │Of draggled clothes and husband's purse. │ - ├──┼──────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬───────────┤ - │D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │_Prognosti-│ - │ │ │fications._│ - ├──┼──────────────────────────────────────────────────────┼───────────┤ - │ 1│_Sapientia._ Cockneys commence angling for │ becoming │ - │ │ red-herrings. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 2│_Low_ Sunday. Vide Whitechapel, Primrose Hill, and St.│Lord of the│ - │ │ Giles's. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 3│ │Ascendant, │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 4│ [Illustration] │ ♀ ♅ ☊ ☿ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 5│ │ doth │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 6│_Solon_ born. Judge Patteson retires from the bench to│ betoken │ - │ │ take the │ │ - │ │ chair of the British College of Health. _Old Lady │ │ - │ │ Day._ │ │ - │ 7│ │ _civil_ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 8│ │ THE WONDERFUL PILL. │commotions │ - │ │ │ │ │ - │ 9│ A CARD. │Take gamboge, as you find it, for │in _Great_ │ - │ │ │ better or worse, │ │ - │ │ │And aloes,—the strongest,—a drug for a │ │ - │ │ │ horse; │ │ - │10│[Illustration]│A few peppermint drops, a few turns of │ France, │ - │ │ │ a mill, │ │ - │ │ │And you get the contents of the │ │ - │ │ │ Wonderful Pill. │ │ - │11│ │Take the head of a monkey, be-whisker'd│ ⚹ ♀ │ - │ │ │ & frizzl'd, │ │ - │ │ MORRISON │The eyes of a tiger, be-demon'd and │ │ - │ │ │ devill'd; │ │ - │12│ And Co. │Add a magpie, a fox, and a vulture in │ │ - │ │ │ one, │ │ - │ │_Undertakers._│And a heart with less blood than a │so, in like│ - │ │ │ pillar of stone:— │ │ - │13│ ——— │Take of folly, stupidity, weakness— │ │ - │ │ │ enough:— │ │ - │ │ FUNERALS │Of credulity, ignorance, fear—quantum │ manner, │ - │ │ │ suff:— │ │ - │14│ FURNISHED, │These ingredients, combin'd with │ │ - │ │ │ discernment & skill, │ │ - │ │ Corpse │Give the knave and the dupe of the │ │ - │ │ included. │ Wonderful pill. │ │ - │15│ │ ♈ ♀ ♄ ⚹ │ - │ │ │ │ - │16│Mutiny at _Spit_-head. Cooks strike for wages. │ doth the │ - │ │ │ │ - │17│ │ascendancy │ - │ │ │ │ - │18│ │ │ - │ │ [Illustration] │ ☉ ☌ ♂ ☽ │ - │19│ │ │ - │ │ │ of the │ - │20│ │ │ - │ │ │Lady of the│ - │21│_Solomon's_ b. d. kept. Horrible plot to burn the City│ │ - │ │ of London, and murder all the inhabitants, │ Seventh │ - │ │ frustrated │ │ - │22│ by "Atkins, Mayor." A.D. 1817. │ │ - │ │ │ House, │ - │23│ │ │ - │ │ 'Twas enough to create a confusion and pother,│ │ - │24│ For the nest of one Mayor to be found by │ ♓ ☍ ♀ │ - │ │ _another_. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │25│ │ augur │ - │ │ │ │ - │26│ │ divers │ - │ │ [Illustration] │ │ - │27│ │ ♌ ♈ │ - │ │ │ │ - │28│ │ _uncivil_ │ - │ │ │ │ - │29│_Thrashing_ commences in London. Macready thrashes │commotions │ - │ │ Bunn, but gets nothing but _chaff_. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │30│_Rogue_ation S. A pickpocket ducked about this time. │ among │ - └──┴──────────────────────────────────────────────────────┴───────────┘ - - - THE DERBY DAY. - - Here's a right and true list of all the running horses! Dorling's - correct card for the Derby day!——Hollo, old un! hand us up one - here, will you: and let it be a good un: there, now what's to pay? - - Only sixpence. Sixpence! I never gave more than a penny at Hookem - Snivey in all my days.——May be not, your honour: but Hookem Snivey - aint Hepsom: and sixpence is what every gemman, as is a gemman, - pays. - - I can buy 'em for less than that on the course, and I'll wait till I - get there. Beg your honour's pardon; they sells 'em a shillin' on - the course. Give you threepence. They cost _me_ fippence ha'p'ny - farden. - - Well, here then, take your list back again. Come, come; your honour - shall have it at your own price:——I wouldn't sell it nob'dy else - for no sitch money: but I likes the sound of your wice. - - Here, then, give me the change, will you?—Oh, certainly: but your - honour's honcommon ard:——Let's see: you want two-and-threepence: - wait a moment, there's another gentleman calling out for a card. - - Hollo, coachman, stop, stop! Coachman, do you hear? stop your horses - this moment, and let me get down:——The fellow's run away behind an - omnibus without giving me change out of my half-crown. - - That's alvays the vay they does on these here hoccasions: they calls - it catching a flat:——Sorry I can't stop. Where's the new police? - Pretty police truly, to suffer such work as that! - - Well, if ever I come to Epsom again! but let's look at the list: - it's cost me precious dear!——Ascot, Mundig, Pelops! why, good - heavens, coachman! they've sold me a list for last year! - - Oh, ma! look there! what a beautiful carriage! scarlet and gold - liveries, and horses with long tails.——And stodge-full of - gentlemen with mustaches, and cigars, and Macintoshes, and green - veils: - - Whose is it, ma? Don't know, my dear; but no doubt belongs to some - duke, or marquis, or other great nob.——Beg your pardon, ma'am: but - that carriage as you're looking at is a party of the swell mob. - - And, oh my! ma: look at that other, full of beautiful ladies, - dressed like queens and princesses.——Silks and satins and velvets, - and gauze sleeves and ermine tippets: I never saw such elegant - dresses: - - And how merry they look, laughing and smiling! they seem determined - to enjoy the sport:——Who are they, ma? Don't know, dear; but no - doubt they're Court ladies. Yes, ma'am, Cranbourne Court. - - How do, Smith? nice sort of tit you've got there. Very nice indeed: - _very_ nice sort of mare.——Beautiful legs she's got, and - nicely-turned ancles, and 'pon my word, a most elegant head of - hair. - - How old is she? and how high does she stand? I should like to buy - her if she's for sale.——Oh, she's quite young: not above - five-and-twenty or thirty; and her height exactly a yard and a - half and a nail: - - Price eighty guineas. She'd be just the thing for you; capital - hunter as ever appeared at a fixture.——Only part with her on - account of her colour; not that _I_ mind: only Mrs. S. don't like - an _Oxford mixture_. - - Hehlo! you faylow! you person smoking the pipe, I wish you'd take - your quadruped out of the way.——Quadruped, eh? you be blowed! it's - no quadruped, but as good a donkey as ever was fed upon hay. - - Oh, my! ma; there's the course. What lots of people, and horses, and - booths, and grand stands.——And what oceans of gipsies and - jugglers, and barrel organs, and military bands! - - And was ever such sights of Savoyards and French women singing and - E-O-tables;——And horses rode up and down by little boys, or tied - together in bundles, and put up in calimanco stables; - - And look at that one, they call him _Boney_-parte. Did you ever in - all your lifetime see a leaner?——And "Royal Dinner Saloons" (for - royalty the knives might have been a little brighter, and the - linen a little cleaner); - - And women with last-dying speeches in one hand, and in the other all - the best new comic songs;——And, dear me! how funnily that - gentleman sits his horse; for all the world just like a pair of - tongs. - - And—clear the course! clear the course! Oh, dear! now the great - Derby race is going to be run.——Twelve to one! Ten to one! Six to - one! Nine to two! Sixteen to three! Done, done, done, done! - - Here they come! here they come! blue, green buff, yellow, black, - brown, white, harlequin, and red!——Sir, I wish you'd stand off of - our carriage steps: it's quite impossible to see through your - head. - - There, now they're gone: how many times round? Times round, eh? why, - bless your innocent face!——It's all over. All over! you don't say - so! I wish I'd never come: such a take in! call that a Derby race! - - After being stifled with dust almost, and spoiling all our best - bonnets and shawls and cloaks!——Call that a Derby race, indeed! - I'm sure it's no Derby, but nothing but a right-down, regular - _Oaks_. - - But come, let's have a bit of lunch: I'm as hungry as if I hadn't - had a bit all day.——Smith, what are you staring at? why don't you - make haste, and hand us the hamper this way? - - We shall never have anything to eat all day if you don't stir - yourself, and not go on at that horrid slow rate.——Oh, Lord! the - bottom's out, and every bit of meat and drink, and worse than all, - the knives and forks and plate,— - - Stole and gone clean away! Good heavenlies! and I told you to keep - your eye on the basket, you stupid lout!——Well, so I did, on the - _top_ of it, but who'd have thought of their taking the bottom - out? - - Well, never mind: they'll be prettily disappointed: for you know, - betwixt you and me and the wall,——Our ivory knives and forks were - nothing but bone; and our plate nothing but German silver, after - all. - - What race is to be run next? No more, ma'am: the others were all run - afore you come.——Well, then, have the horses put to, Smith: I'll - never come a Derbying again; and let us be off home. - - Oh, lawk! what a stodge of carriages! I'm sure we shall never get - off the course alive!——Oh, dear! do knock that young drunken - gentleman off the box: I'm sure he's not in a fit state to drive. - - There, I told you how it would be. Oh, law! you've broke my arm, and - compound-fractured my leg!——Oh! for 'eavens sake, lift them two - 'orrid osses off my darter! Sir, take your hands out of my - pocket-hole, I beg! - - I say, the next time you crawl out of a coach window, I wish you - wouldn't put your foot on a lady's chest.——Vell, if ever I seed - such a purl as that (and I've seed many a good un in my time) I'll - be blest. - - Oh, dear! going home's worse than coming! It's ten to one if ever we - get back to Tooley Street alive.——Such jostling, and pushing, and - prancing of horses! and always the tipsiest gentleman of every - party _will_ drive. - - I wish I was one of those ladies at the windows; or even one of the - servant maids giggling behind the garden walls.——And oh! there's - Kennington turnpike! what shouting and hooting, and blowing those - horrid cat-calls! - - Ticket, Sir? got a ticket? No, I've lost it. A shilling, then. A - shilling! I've paid you once to-day.——Oh, yes, I suppose so: the - old tale; but it wont do. That's what all you sporting gentlemen - say. - - Hinsolent feller! I'll have you up before your betters. Come, sir, - you musn't stop up the way. Well, I'll pay you again; but, oh - Lord! somebody's stole my purse! good gracious, what shall I do!—— - I suppose I must leave my watch, and call for it to-morrow. Oh, - ruination! blow'd if that isn't gone too! - - Get on there, will you?—Well, stop a moment. Will anybody lend me a - shilling? No? Well, here then, take my hat:——But if I don't show - you up in _Bell's Life in London_ next Sunday morning, my name's - not Timothy Flat. - - Well, this is my last journey to Epsom, my last appearance on any - course as a backer or hedger:——For I see plain enough a - betting-book aint a day-book, and a Derby's a very different thing - from a Ledger. - - - A PARALLEL CASE OF HARDSHIP. - -A public subscription of several thousand pounds has been proposed to be -raised towards Mr. Buckingham's losses in India; quickened by the threat -that, if not sufficient to maintain him, he would be driven to the very -dreadful necessity of "devoting the remainder of his days to useful and -honourable labour!" To avert so dire a calamity, it will be proposed -among Mr. B.'s friends to revive the old project, and send him round the -world on a voyage of discovery and commerce. He is to sail on the -_first_ of next _April_, and will take with him passengers, emigrants, -and merchandize. First exploring the British coast, he will establish a -colony of tailors at _Sheer_-ness; then offer a consignment of saddles -and bridles to the inhabitants of _Ryde_; afterwards call for Mr. Ole -_Bull_ off _Cowes_, as fiddler to the crew; from thence he will despatch -a bale of _blankets_ to _Friez_-land, and of _gloves_ to the people of -_Pau_, taking in exchange some cheap _coffee_ for charitable purposes -from _Cham-berry_. Proceeding through the Channel, he will receive a few -distressed ladies at _Bride_port on an experimental voyage to -_Beau_-maris. The _late_ ministry will accompany him as far as the _Ex_, -and at _Ply-Mouth Sound_ he will take in the _substance_ of his next -parliamentary campaign. At the _Scilly_ Islands he will try to dispose -of a heavy consignment from Paternoster Row and some leading -establishments at the west-end of the town. He will leave the Poor Law -Commissioners at their headquarters at _Flint_; thence crossing the -Atlantic, he will deposit the bones of Mr. Carus Wilson at _Long_ -Island, and offer a cargo of _soft-soap_ at _Washing_ton. He will next -despatch _Stone masons_ to the _Chipaway_ country, and Carpenters to the -_Chick-a-saws_, and he will be commissioned to get a lot of _old Joes_ -exchanged at _New-Found-Land_. He will supply the natives of _Chili_ -with _great coats_, carry _ham_ and _beef_ to the _Sandwich_ Islands, -and _broad cloth_ to _Bombay_. He will then reach the North Pole by -taking up his ship in an air balloon, and remaining suspended, till, as -the world goes round, the arctic circle is just under his feet, when he -will drop into the midst of it. Coming home from the North, about next -St. Swithin twelvemonths, he will bring us a little _Blue_ from the -Island of _Skye_, and call off the coast of _Ayr_-shire for another -scheme to raise the _wind_. On his arrival, the wooden guns at Jack -Straw's Castle will be fired, and the town illuminated with _moonshine_. - -[Illustration: - - MAY.—Beating the Bounds. -] - - ┌────────────────┬────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │ [Illustration]│ MAY. │ - ├──┬─────────────┴────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │Some modern sages, nothing can be flatter, │ - │ │Find _Bi_-polarity 'twixt mind and matter. │ - │ │There's prima facie proof, upon the whole, │ - │ │It _once_ existed in the _man_-maypole. │ - │ │But barring manners, you'll admit no less, │ - │ │He stands conspicuous for his pole-height-ness. │ - ├──┼──────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬───────────┤ - │D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │_Prognosti-│ - │ │ │fications._│ - ├──┼──────────────────────────────────────────────────────┼───────────┤ - │ 1│Chimney Sweepers' Jubilee. Emancipation of the │ │ - │ │ _Blacks_. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 2│ │ the lords │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 3│ ARCHERY.—MISS HIGGINS TO MISS FIGGINS. │and ladies │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 4│This comes to tell you, dearest Coz, I've been to │ ☌ ♂ │ - │ │ Beulah Spa, │ │ - │ │And there, among the Archer folk, have shone with such│ │ - │ │ éclat. │ │ - │ 5│Well, I declare, 'tis charming sport to play at bows │of all the │ - │ │ and arrows: │ │ - │ │I do not wonder little boys so love to shoot at │ │ - │ │ sparrows. │ │ - │ 6│Some petty, trifling accidents occurr'd, I must │ houses in │ - │ │ confess: │ │ - │ │In taking aim, I tore a hole in Mrs. Simpkin's dress, │ │ - │ 7│Who gave me such a frightful look, as really made me │ _Petty_ │ - │ │ shiver; │ │ - │ │And put my nerves in such a way as caus'd my hand to │ │ - │ │ quiver. │ │ - │ 8│So, just as Mr. Foozle, in his most politest manner, │France.[2] │ - │ │Was paying me fine compliments, and calling me Diana, │ │ - │ 9│My elbow slipped, and struck him such a blow upon the │ ♋ ♀ ♐ │ - │ │ nose, │ │ - │ │As caus'd the blood to spirt about, and cover all his │ │ - │ │ clothes. │ │ - │10│The boy who picks the arrows up, I shot right thro' │ Again │ - │ │ the ear: │ │ - │ │I'm sure he'd but himself to blame,—he stood so very │ │ - │ │ near: │ │ - │11│'Twas only just a hundred yards from where the target │ ☽ ♀ ♐ ♄ │ - │ │ stood, │ │ - │ │So how to help the hitting him would puzzle Robin │ │ - │ │ Hood. │ │ - │12│Altho' I'm sorry for the brat, I greatly pleas'd my │ who will │ - │ │ spark, │ │ - │ │Who thought me quite a heroine to shoot so near the │ │ - │ │ mark. │ │ - │13│So pr'ythee come, my dearest Coz, Diana's bow to draw,│deny, that │ - │ │And join the gay Toxophilites who shoot at Beulah Spa.│ │ - │14│ │ │ - │ │ │ ♏ ♉ │ - │15│Whit-Monday. │Now madcap Mirth, with reckless air, │ │ - │ │ │ Sports down gay Pleasure's tide; │ _Juniper_ │ - │16│Whit-Tuesday.│With every care cast to the winds, │ │ - │ │ │ And all his _Wits-untied_. │hath a more│ - │17│ │ │ - │ │ │ malignant │ - │18│ │ │ - │ │ │ influence │ - │19│ [Illustration] │ │ - │ │ │ than │ - │20│ │ │ - │ │ │_Jupiter?_ │ - │21│ │ │ - │ │From Friars-Black and Chapel-White │ │ - │22│ They rush to Greenwich Fair, │ ♅ ☉ ☊ ☽ │ - │ │Each donkey-cart has its asses' load, │ │ - │23│ Each chaise owns three a pair. │ │ - │ │Some go by steam or sailing vessel, │ or, that, │ - │24│Some by the _Elephant and Castle_. │ │ - │ │ │ in the │ - │25│The vent'rous see that famous hill, │ │ - │ │ Renown'd for fate's decree, │olden times│ - │26│That they who tarry at the top │ │ - │ │ Shall soon the bottom see. │ of │ - │ │ │ pugilism, │ - │27│There's merry frisking on the grass, │ │ - │ │ For courting sporting people; │ │ - │28│And the curious seek the spying glass, │ ♀ ♐ ♊ ♉ │ - │ │ To peep at Barking steeple. │ │ - │29│ │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │30│ │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │31│ │ │ - └──┴──────────────────────────────────────────────────────┴───────────┘ - -Footnote 2: - - A _terra incognita_, lying in the vicinity of Tothill Fields. - -[Illustration] - - "Show his eyes and grieve his heart; - Come like shadows, so depart." - - COURTEOUS READER, - -DIVARICATING from the beaten track of all my predecessors in the -Celestial Art, whose method it hath ever been to leave the -interpretation of their symbolical prefigurements to be explorated and -divined by the subtlety of the ingenious reader himself,—by the which -they did shroud, in a tenfold tenebrosity of Cimmerian gloom, their -no-meaning mysteries, and ambiguous puzzlements;—deviating, I say, from -such a course, I do herewith not only present thee, as hath been my -custom, with an Hieroglyphic "adapted to the times," but lifting the -veil of obscurity, wherein it is shrouded from vulgar apprehension, lay -patent and exposed the hidden meaning thereof. - -It hath in it the three grand postulates or requirements of a veritable -Hieroglyphic, _videlicet_,—It is Astroscopical, Astrological, and -Prophetical:— - -It is _Astroscopical_, as it is founded on an observation of the Stars. - -It is _Astrological_, as it is indicative of planetary potency and lunar -influence; and - -It is _Prophetical_, inasmuch as it not only presenteth the present, but -futurizeth the future. - -_Taurus_, the _Bull_ (egregious John!), having, through a plethora of -purse, fallen into a dreamy mood, yielded himself up to a somniferous -influence, which becloudeth, with a misty obfuscation, his natural -senses; whereupon the megrims of his crazy brain do set themselves to -work, and conjure up certain airy visions of speculative aggrandizement. - -Floating _in nubibus_ before his fancy's eye, are sundry bubbles, blown -by an Imp of Speculation, who ruleth the phantasies which do take John's -imagination captive. _Gemini_ (the Twins) in the similitude of a -joint-stock Company proffer him wealth;—baseless castles, of -unsubstantial fabric, resting on ether, do shadow forth his -brick-and-mortar predilections;—and a rail-road betwixt Dover and -Calais, uniting that which nature had dissevered, accomplisheth that -propinquity, which John ever affecteth for good neighbourhood and -fellowship; while _Luna_, who hath established a reciprocity rail-road -with our planet, grinneth at his gullibility, and marketh him for her -own. - -Descending from the clouds, note we the state of his household matters, -while he thus dreameth in complacent security. - -Thou mayest observe, gentle Reader, certain satellites of _Mercury_ (the -planet of thieves), who, under the impersonation of rooks, by an -immersion of their long beaks into the profundity of his pockets, are -abstracting his treasure. At the right hand of the dreamer, a cutpurse -knave of Spades, the apt symbol of rail-road diggers and miners, hath, -by an undermining trick, possessed himself of his bullion; while the -Demon of Gin, in the likelihood of a crafty serpent, entwined round his -lower extremities, shadoweth forth the ruin with which the fiend spirit -threateneth the props of the body politic,—the Industrious Classes. The -rats, those rogues in grain, are devouring his corn; and his faithful -Tray is gnawing at his dinner. - -Surrounded as he is by wealth and plenty, shall we marvel, that when the -master of the house sleepeth on his post, knaves will cheat, thieves -will steal, and servants will pilfer? - - - A MAY-DAY LAY. - - Hip, hip, huzza! - For Merry May! - More dear than tongues can tell, - To ev'ry child of Phœbus,—and - Of Lancaster and Bell. - - Lay by your books: - Let anxious looks - Give place to mirth and smiles. - Come, come, my lads, put up your _slates_, - And run and fetch your _tiles_! - - Now off they go, - Dick, Tom, and Joe, - Just like a pack of hounds; - With vicar, crier, and beadle too, - To beat the parish bounds. - - Away, away, - By bank and brae, - By footway and by highway: - Each lane a Lad-lane now becomes, - And ev'ry way a Boy-way. - - At ev'ry well - Their notes they swell,— - One's in the water thrown; - Where he this moral lesson learns:— - "Always let _well_ alone." - - And then at night, - Oh! what delight - To hear the pipes of Pan! - And see the old connexion still - Kept up 'twixt _May_ and _Can_! - - While maidens bound - The May-pole round, - With hearts and footsteps light: - And near the _Pole_ a _booth_ is found, - A _Boothia Felix_ quite. - - At least 'twas so - Some years ago, - Ere wisdom oped our eyes; - And farthing folks, with penny mags, - Made people penny wise. - - But, nowadays, - We've no such Mays: - Unpluck'd now blows the hawthorn. - A May-pole I no more can find - Than Parry can the _northern_. - - Our Johnny raws - Read Newton's laws, - All merriment unheeding; - And, poring over the _Laws of Light_, - Imagine it light reading. - - Yet still, sweet May, - To me thou'rt gay; - My pleasure and my pride! - I love thy vi'lets, daffodils, - Daisies,—and pigeons—pied! - - I love thy flow'rs, - And shady bow'rs; - Thy mountains and thy vales. - I love thy _morning breezes_, and - I love thy _nightingales_! - - Then, hip! huzza! - For Merry May! - We'll banish care and fear; - And sing and dance from _day_ to _day_, - And laugh from _ear_ to _ear_! - -[Illustration: - - JUNE.—Haymaking. -] - - ┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┐ - │ JUNE. │ [1837.│ - ├──┬─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┤ - │ │Pattern of patience,—placid punter,—say, │ - │ │ Since early dawn, when thou didst take thy stand, │ - │ │How many nibbles hast thou had? I pray,— │ - │ │ How many minnows hast thou brought to land? │ - │ │Not one!—yet comfort thee, Piscator bold; │ - │ │One thing, at least, you're sure to catch,—_a cold_! │ - ├──┼─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │_Prognosti- │ - │ │ │fications._ │ - ├──┼─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ 1│ │ Crib │ - │ │[Illustration] │ │ - │ 2│ │ squaring │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 3│Transit of Venus. A ship-load of Vestals consigned to│ to Gully │ - │ │ Van Diemen's land. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 4│ │ ☍ □ ♂ ☉ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 5│ │ had a more │ - │ │[Illustration] │ │ - │ 6│ │ sinster │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 7│ │aspect than │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 8│Sun rises 3 h. 48 m. │ Mercury │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 9│ I wish _my_ Son would rise as soon, │squaring to │ - │ │ To breathe the balmy air of June,— │ │ - │10│ The lazy dog! │ Mars? │ - │ │ Not snoring half his hours away, │ │ - │11│ Lie like a torpid lump of clay, │ ♎ ♃ ☿ │ - │ │ Or old King Log. │ │ - │12│ To rouse the sluggard from his nest, │ Then, │ - │ │ I've all things tried, and done my │ │ - │ │ best,— │ │ - │13│ The prig! │as touching │ - │ │ I've stripped the clothes, in hopes │ │ - │ │ he'd mend; │ │ - │14│ I've given him strap,—a thick rope's │ THE │ - │ │ end,— │ │ - │ │ Cold pig! │ │ - │15│ In vain!—There lies the stupid clown, │ WEATHER │ - │ │ As if the Night Mare held him down. │ │ - │16│ │ ♈ ☍ │ - │ │ │ │ - │17│ │what better │ - │ │ │ │ - │18│Battle of Waterloo. _Lobsters_ in [Illustration]│ │ - │ │ season. │ │ - │ │ │ index │ - │19│ │ │ - │ │ [Illustration] │ │ - │20│ │ need we of │ - │ │ │ │ - │21│Daniel Lambert died. Grand Diet of _Worms_. │ ♂ ☉ ♉ ♋ │ - │ │ │ │ - │22│[Illustration] The grave-digger fled, all a-shiv'ring│ its │ - │ │ and shaking, │ │ - │ │ For old Mother Earth she cried, │ │ - │23│ With a terrible groan: "Why the deuce │evershifting│ - │ │ are you making │ │ - │ │ This precious big hole in my side!" │ │ - │24│ │ ♊ ♒ △ │ - │ │ │ │ - │25│QUARTER DAY. Moon hides behind a cloud, for fear of │ variable │ - │ │ being shot. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │26│ │ variations │ - │ │ │ │ - │27│ │ ☿ □ ☊ ♍ │ - │ │ │ than the │ - │28│ Ha! my lad, you've caught a Tartar, │countenance │ - │ │ Landlords never give _no quarter_. │ │ - │29│ │ of │ - │ │ │ │ - │30│ │ Spouse? │ - └──┴─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - MISS AMELIA SMITH TO MISS JULIA SMYTHE. - -"DEAREST JULIA,—Since that very unpleasant affair of pa's bankruptcy, -which made it so disagreeable to stop in town, I have really not had a -moment to spare. I take the first opportunity to tell you that our -farming goes on quite as well as might be expected; and I hope in a few -years we shall be able to hold up our heads again in our dear native -Tooley Street, and among our friends at dear No. 29½. - -"Haymaking is just over, and such fun! Oh, how I wished for you, dear -Julia! you would so have liked it!—tedding, and windrowing, and -staddle-rowing, and quilling, and above all, being rolled about and -tumbled to bits by the young Browns, our handsome neighbours, who kindly -offered their assistance on this occasion. Young Edwin, who paid -particular attention to me, and squeezed my best transparent muslin -bonnet to a mummy, and tore my green silk frock all to rags, is one of -the nicest young men in these parts, and a great favourite with us all. -Pa and ma sat on a bank directing our proceedings out of a book pa's -got, which tells you all about farming, and agriculture, and everything. -I am head shepherdess, and go out every morning with my crook and -Spanish guitar, and sit all day long on a bank playing to the sheep and -lambs; young Edwin Brown generally coming and keeping me company with -his German flute, which makes it very pleasant. Besides having the care -of the flocks, I am put in charge of the eggs and poultry; but, though I -have every reason to believe that our hens lay regularly, I cannot for -the life of me find their nests: and I assure you I have searched over -and over again in all the trees about the premises. The only eggs I have -been able to get were some brought in by pa the other day, and which I -immediately set under a Bantam hen; but, unfortunately, they turned out -nothing but snakes. Also a second lot, picked up by brother John in one -of his walks, which unluckily proving to be pheasants, poor John has -been informed against by a neighbouring gamekeeper, and will have to pay -goodness knows what penalty, and has got the character of a poacher into -the bargain. What a fuss is here about poaching a few eggs! - -"My geese also have been very disappointing, though we have had the tank -in front of the house carefully covered in with invisible wire for their -accommodation, where they are kept night and day, and have fresh water -given them every morning. Ducks likewise don't go on very swimmingly; -and as to our horned cattle, things have gone very crooked. Pa bought a -lot of cows, and thereby hangs a tale, for on bringing them up to milk -we couldn't get a drop; and on inquiry found that he ought to have -bought milch cows, and not feeding cows, which are only used for making -beef of. But he soon bought others, and we have now a very good dairy, -and Lucy is quite pat at making butter, but mamma is rather green at -making cheese. - -"Brother John attends the markets—not that we have anything to sell—but -it is considered regular; and indeed he makes a regular thing of it by -getting tipsy every market day. Emily, who, you know, was always very -fond of birds, bought a lot of pigeons, and a tame hawk, and a jackdaw; -but, unfortunately, the hawk got one day into the dovecot, and killed -every one of the pigeons; and the jackdaw has stolen all our silver -forks and spoons. Brother John purchased a lot more pigeons at the -market, which flew away the next morning; and pa, in his rage, wrung the -jackdaw's neck, so that we are safe to see no more of our forks and -spoons. - -"Ma undertook to manage the bees, and has had a glass hive fixed at her -bed-room window. The first night she was very unlucky; for, getting up -in the dark to open the window, she forgot the bees, and smashed one of -the hives, whereupon the little savages flew at her and almost stung her -to death; and pa, who heard her cries and jumped out of bed to her -assistance, got as roughly handled as ma. Only fancy, Julia dear, being -in nothing but your chemise, and two hundred thousand bees stinging at -you like mad! not pleasant, is it? - -"Our pig-sties, I am sorry to say, are quite empty, the pigs having -strayed and got into the parish pound (unknown to us, of course), where -they were at last sold to pay their expenses. Susan, however, has been -very successful in rearing a litter of Guinea pigs, and Emily has got a -most delightful lot of little peacocks. Also John, who has bought a -hunter and means to follow the hounds, has had wonderful luck with his -foxes, for whose accommodation he has planted two of our largest fields -full of gorse bushes. A singular thing occurred the other day with -regard to one of these creatures: he was seen retreating to the gorse -covert, closely pursued by one of the turkeys; and, more singular still, -the turkey has never since been heard of, and it is generally supposed -that it followed the fox into one of its holes and got suffocated. -Several of the chickens have also disappeared in a very mysterious way, -and we can only account for it in the same manner. - -"Our health is capital—except ma, who has got the lumbago by sitting -without her shawl in the hay-field—and pa, who is laid up with a cold -and sore throat from standing in the draught of a winnowing machine—and -Emily, who has got a face as big as two with running to fetch the young -ducks out of the rain—and Abraham, who has almost cut his hand off with -pruning the damson trees—and John, who, I am afraid, has lamed himself -for life in trying to jump his horse over a five-barred gate with spikes -on it—and your humble servant, who has put out one of her wrists, and -sprained one of her ancles, and fractured one of her ribs in climbing up -a tree after a hen's nest—or rather, a magpie's. My wrist is so bad at -this moment that you must excuse my abruptly signing myself, - - "Dearest Julia, your most affectionate - "AMELIA. - -"P.S. Wrist or no wrist, I must tell you of the perfidy of that villain, -Edwin Brown. Ma has just been in to say that he has run away with his -father's dairymaid. A perjured wretch! and a dairymaid too! I have -for-sworn love for ever, and made over my sheep to Emily. Oh, Julia! - -"P.S. I open this sheet to tell you of the shocking fire that happened -here last night. We might have all been burnt to death in our beds. The -barns, stables, and other out-buildings are reduced to cinders; and all -owing to William's fine rick of hay, which it seems was put up too -green, and took fire of its own accord. Very odd—pa's book never said a -word about it. We are all very miserable. - - "Your doubly afflicted - "AMELIA." - - - OPERATION OF THE NEW POOR LAWS. - -A man in the last stage of destitution came before the sitting -magistrate at Lambeth Street, and stated, that having by the operation -of the New Poor Laws been suddenly deprived of parish assistance, he was -reduced to such extremity, that, if not instantly relieved, he must be -driven to do a deed that his soul abhorred. The worthy magistrate -instantly ordered him five shillings from the poor-box, and after a -suitable admonition against giving way to despair, asked him what -dreadful deed he would have been impelled to but for this seasonable -relief? "To work!" said the man, with a deep sigh, as he left the -office. - - ┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬──────────────┐ - │ JULY. │[Illustration]│ - ├──┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────┼──────────────┤ - │ │Two potent elements combine │ │ - │ │ To rule the month together, │ │ - │ │St. Swithin gives us showers of rain, │ │ - │ │ The mad dogs, _biting_ weather. │ │ - │ │And if you get a dubious gripe │ │ - │ │ From Pincher, Snap, or Toby, │ │ - │ │The good saint's bucket comes right │ │ - │ │ To test the Hydro-phoby. │ │ - ├──┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────┼──────────────┤ - │D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │ _Prognosti- │ - │ │ │ fications._ │ - ├──┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────┼──────────────┤ - │ 1│ │ │ - │ │ │ Doth not │ - │ 2│ │ │ - │ │ │ many │ - │ 3│Dog Days _beg_. │ │ - │ │ │ a Benedick │ - │ 4│[Illustration] "Old Mother Hubbard │ │ - │ │ │ ♋ ☍ ♐ │ - │ 5│ Went to the cupboard, │ │ - │ │ │ know │ - │ 6│ To get her poor dog a bone." │ │ - │ │ │ right well │ - │ 7│ │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 8│ │ ♏ ♈ ♎ ♉ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 9│ HOW TO MAKE A MAD DOG. │ that a │ - │ │ │ │ - │10│ _By a Knowing Hand._ │ cloudy │ - │ │ │ │ - │11│Tie a dog that is little, and one that is large, │ brow │ - │ │To a truck or a barrow as big as a barge; │ │ - │12│Their mouths girded tight with a rugged old cord │ ♄ ⚹ ♒ │ - │ │ (or │ │ - │ │They'll put out their tongues) by the magistrate's │ │ - │ │ order; │ │ - │13│So you save 'em the trouble of feeding, I think, │ │ - │ │Or the loss of your time by their stopping to │ on the │ - │ │ drink. │ │ - │14│Lend 'em out, 'tis a neighbourly duty, of course, │ │ - │ │And mind they've a load that would stagger a horse.│ aspect of │ - │15│If you've nothing to draw, why, yourselves let 'em │ │ - │ │ carry (sons │ │ - │ │Of she dogs!), or else they'll be drawing │ his dear │ - │ │ compari-sons. │ │ - │16│With a stick or a kick make 'em gallop away, │ │ - │ │And smoke through the streets in a piping-hot day, │ │ - │17│Where Mac Adam is spreading his pebbles about, │ ☌ ♈ │ - │ │And they'll pick up their feet all the quicker, no │ │ - │ │ doubt; │ │ - │18│More than all, don't allow them their noses to │ betokeneth │ - │ │ wet;—it │ │ - │ │Will keep 'em alert by the "wish they may get it." │ │ - │19│All pleasures must end:—when they drop head and │ _cool_ │ - │ │ tail, │ │ - │ │With their muzzles all froth, like a tankard of │ │ - │ │ ale, │ │ - │20│Turn 'em loose in the road with a whoop and a │ _breezes_, │ - │ │ hollo, │ │ - │ │And get all the thieves and the blackguards to │ │ - │ │ follow. │ │ - │21│It's a precious good lark for the neighbours, │ ☍ ♈ ♀ ⚹ │ - │ │ you'll find, │ │ - │ │With the mad dogs before and the sad dogs behind, │ │ - │22│And you'll ne'er be molested, rely on my word, │ probably │ - │ │If you keep 'em from biting a Bishop or Lord. │ │ - │23│ │ followed by │ - │ │ │ │ - │24│ │ _a storm_, │ - │ │ │ │ - │25│ │ │ - │ │ │ ♋ ☊ ♅ │ - │26│ │ │ - │ │ │_accompanied_ │ - │27│ │ │ - │ │ │ _with_ │ - │28│ │ │ - │ │ │ _showers_? │ - │29│ │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │30│ │ ♊ ♄ ☌ ☽ │ - │ │ │ │ - │31│Second week of St. Swithin. Ladies sigh for "a │ And that. │ - │ │ little sun." │ │ - └──┴───────────────────────────────────────────────────┴──────────────┘ - -[Illustration: - - JULY.—Fancy Fair. -] - - - FANCY-FAIRING. - "ONLY FANCY!" - - I saw her at the Fancy Fair: - 'Twas there my heart she won - Within the sweet, romantic grounds - Of Mr. Jenkinson. - - Her ma-in-law stood by her side, - Also her aunt Griselda; - Who all the younger brothers served, - While "Missy" served the elder. - - To cure Diseases of the Ear, - They say they've oped the mart: - But _I_ think it's to propagate - Diseases of the heart. - - I thought I'd buy a pair of gloves, - To get a bit of talk; - Her lily hands presented them, - A pair as white as chalk. - - Then, feeling for the cash to pay, - "Oh law," says I, "I'm trick'd!"— - "Dear! what's the matter, Sir?" said she; - Said I, "My pocket's pick'd! - - But never mind—I'll just step home, - Some other cash to find."— - "I reckon so!" cried some pert wag - Among the crowd behind. - - To show I meant to come again, - Said I, "Miss, may I beg - My umbrella and cloak to hang - Two minutes on this peg?" - - "Oh yes!" said she; and off I flew - To fetch my pocket-book; - Then hasten'd back, and out of it - A five-pound note I took. - - "Pray give me change, dear Miss," said I; - "For I no more can find."— - "I vishes you may get it, Sir!" - Cried out the voice behind. - - The people laughed: the lady smiled - (I thought it rather strange); - Then popp'd my note into a box, - And said, "We never change!" - - I soon found what an ass I'd been - To trust in pretty features. - Thinks I,—well, this is the last time - I'll deal with these dear creatures. - - Since then I've learn'd that tricks like these - Are thought quite meritorious, - And that for boning five-pound notes - These dames are quite note-orious. - - Says I, "Dear Miss, such barefaced cheats - Are really past a joke; - So give me my umbrella, ma'am— - And give me, ma'am, my cloak. - - "Not that I care—of course, I don't— - For losing so much gold!"— - "Your cloak and your umbrella, Sir! - Oh la! they've both been sold!" - - At that I lost my patience quite; - My rage I couldn't smother. - "Good heav'ns!" I cried, "the last dear gifts - Of a lamented mother!" - - I rav'd and stamp'd, and _think_ I swore. - Cried Miss, "For heaven's sake, cease!" - And then she gave me—heartless girl!— - In charge of the police. - - To prison soon they haul'd me off, - With pushes, shoves, and jolts; - And soon I found Dame Justice' bars - Were worse than Cupid's bolts. - - Now all who read my sad mishaps, - Of nymphs like these beware! - For oh! there's many a _real cheat_ - Found at a _fancy fair_. - - And if you want your money's worth, - With honest traders barter; - For if to marts like these you go, - You'll surely be a martyr. - -[Illustration: - - AUGUST.—Regatta. -] - - ┌──┬──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │ │[Illustration] AUGUST. │ - ├──┴──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ The postboys clatter to the door, │ - │ Whips cracking and spurs pricking; │ - │ The hero who went up at four │ - │ Came down at five, alive and kicking. │ - │ Below is a special communication │ - │ From a private source, to inform the nation. │ - ├──┬────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬─────────────┤ - │D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │ _Prognosti- │ - │ │ │ fications._ │ - ├──┼────────────────────────────────────────────────────┼─────────────┤ - │ 1│Charles X. abdic. 1830. New issue of Sovereigns. │ │ - │ │ │ if he would │ - │ 2│ │ │ - │ │ │ _look for_ │ - │ 3│ THE BALLOON ASCENT. │ │ - │ │ │ _sunshine_, │ - │ 4│ "_Only threepence more, and up goes the Donkey._" │ │ - │ │ │ ♅ ♀ ♌ │ - │ 5│Dear Captain! let me thank my lucky fate │ │ - │ │That brings me safe and sound through every strait, │ he must, │ - │ 6│And when my rebel subjects tipp'd me over, │ │ - │ │Placed between them and me the Straits of Dover: │ungrudgingly │ - │ 7│On _terra firma_ I've at length alighted, │ │ - │ │More dead than living, tho' less hurt than frighted,│ and │ - │ 8│And strike me ugly—that I swear quite plain, │ │ - │ │I'll never venture in the air again. │ obediently, │ - │ 9│To let me go the varlets scarce were willing │ │ - │ │As long as they could show me for a shilling:— │ │ - │10│At last however all was right and handy, │ ♃ ♂ ⊕ │ - │ │By Madame's wondrous skill and—drops of brandy; │ │ - │11│And while my cheeks with glowing rouge were spread, │ acquiesce │ - │ │'Tis false to say the white usurp'd the red. │ │ - │12│Then as we mounted in the clear blue sky, │ in and │ - │ │The Queen's own private Aëronaute and I, │ │ - │13│A field of handkerchiefs waved full in view, │ accede to │ - │ │Dirty and clean, silk, cotton, black and blue; │ │ - │14│And while the huge machine majestic rose, │ │ - │ │I gazed on many an elevated nose, │ ♊ ♀ │ - │15│And heard, and wrote it down, with great surprise, │ │ - │ │A man in spectacles exclaim "my eyes!" │ all her │ - │16│Just as we threw the sand-bags quickly o'er, │ │ - │ │And rose so high that I could hear no more. │ modest │ - │17│So being fairly out of mortal ken, │ │ - │ │The fair one said, "We'll soon come down again." │requirements?│ - │18│Too soon—for while I turn'd myself around, │ │ - │ │Balloon and car came spinning to the ground: │ │ - │19│The earth received my nob—too thick to split— │ ♈ ☿ ♏ │ - │ │The lady fell on—what she thought most fit. │ │ - │20│I gallop'd off as fast as steeds could fly; │ when, and │ - │ │To bed she posted quickly, there—_to lie_. │ │ - │21│ │ not before, │ - │ │ │ │ - │22│ │ │ - │ │ │ ☉ ☽ ♑ │ - │23│ │ │ - │ │ │ he may │ - │24│ │ │ - │ │ │ reasonably │ - │25│ │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │26│Fête Champêtre. _Field-fare_ arrive. │ ☊ ⚹ ♀ │ - │ │ │ │ - │27│ │ _expect_ │ - │ │ │ │ - │28│ │ _fair │ - │ │ │ weather_ │ - │ │ │ │ - │29│ │ _to the_ │ - │ │ │ │ - │30│ │_end of the_ │ - │ │ │ │ - │31│Jews banished England, 1290. "New Way to Pay Old │ _month_. │ - │ │ Debts." │ │ - └──┴────────────────────────────────────────────────────┴─────────────┘ - - - A TOUGH YARN. - - Guy Davit was a sailor bold, - As ever hated France; - And tho' he never cared for gold, - He stuck to the main chance. - - Susanna Sly was what they call - A servant of all work: - Made beds, baked pies, cleaned shoes, hemmed shirts - Blacked grates, and pickled pork. - - Young Guy was born upon the Thames, - Off the Adelphi, Strand; - And so the water—do you see?— - Became his father-land. - - 'Twas there he served his time; and none - On "wessel," boat, or raft, - More honest was: altho' 'twas known - He loved a little _craft_. - - He soon had weathered twenty-one; - Youth's cable then let slip, - He stepped out of his master's _boat_, - And his apprentice-_ship_. - - Next year, the First of August come, - He trimmed his little boat, - And plied so well his oars, he won - Old Dogget's badge and coat. - - 'Twas then Susanna saw him first, - And first felt Cupid's dart. - The young toxophilite had hit - The bull's-eye of her heart. - - A thousand hearts besides her own - With am'rous hopes beat higher, - It seemed as if Love, with his link, - Had set the Thames on fire. - - So Sue set up her best mob cap - At Guy, to win his heart, - For some folks Love makes slatternly, - And some folks he makes _smart_. - - But Guy was a conservative, - (The hottest of the nation,) - And so he wasn't going to yield - To any _mob's_ dictation. - - Then Sue a tender letter wrote: - Guy didn't seem to heed it, - And not one word of answer sent; - For why?—he couldn't read it. - - Then Susan offered him her hand: - Love made her accents falter, - "Thankee," says he; "but I prefers - A _cable_ to a _altar_." - - For Guy of foreign shores had heard, - And wonders there that be; - He scarce could think such stories true, - So he went out to _sea_. - - Poor Susan saw her sailor start - On board a ship of war; - Which raised her love to such a _pitch_, - She thought she'd be a _tar_. - - So, casting off her female gear, - She joined the merry crew; - And round the world, thro' storm and strife - Did Sue her love pursue. - - And she and Guy became sworn friends, - No hint of love e'er dropping, - Till, one day, Guy confessed he liked - A pretty maid at Wapping. - - Then Susan home like lightning flew, - And so well played her part, - In likeness of a captain bold, - She won that fair maid's heart. - - And, following her advantage up - (So dazzling is ambition!) - Our captain soon prevailed on her - To _altar_ her condition. - - The wedding o'er, away she went, - To Guy the tidings carried, - And gave to him the newspaper - That told his love was married. - - Then Guy a loaded pistol took: - "I'll kill myself!" he cried; - "Because I will not _side_ with _Sue_, - I'll be a _suicide_." - - When Susan heard him say these words, - She at _her_ brains let fly: - And down, a corse, he sank, by Jove; - And down she sank—by Guy! - - ┌───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬─────────────┐ - │ SEPTEMBER. │ [1837.│ - ├──┬────────────────────────────────────────────────────┴─────────────┤ - │ │Soft, simple innocent!—how well you show │ - │ │ The gentle pastimes of your Cockney mates; │ - │ │From him, who sparrows shoots with penny bow, │ - │ │ To him who, armed with Manton, braves the fates! │ - │ │Alack! it grieves me that this shoeless boy │ - │ │Should bootless follow the delusive joy; │ - │ │For e'en the salt of _attic_ wit doth fail │ - │ │To catch a goose:—'and thereby hangs a tale.' │ - ├──┼────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬─────────────┤ - │D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │ _Prognosti- │ - │ │ │ fications._ │ - ├──┼────────────────────────────────────────────────────┼─────────────┤ - │ │Passenger-shooting begins. Old ladies and young │ │ - │ 1│ children deemed fair game by cab and omnibus │ │ - │ │ drivers. │ │ - │ │ │ Further- │ - │ 2│New _Style_. Eleven days _stepped_ over. │ more, │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 3│ │ △ ☿ ♍ ♅ │ - │ │ [Illustration]│ │ - │ 4│_Bartlemy Fair._ "Fair is foul, and foul is fair," │ let a │ - │ │ Dabble thro' the mud "and filthy │ │ - │ │ air." │ │ - │ 5│ │ needy man │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 6│The sun of Bartlemy is well-nigh set, and his │ ☉ ♊ │ - │ │latest rays are dull as the Dutch metal that gilds │ │ - │ 7│his gingerbread kings. The last fair was a foul │ essay to │ - │ │concern--the lions roared in a saw-dust solitude │ │ - │ 8│and the monkeys chatter'd to empty boxes.--"Just │ open the │ - │ │going to begin" was a never-ending cry, because │ │ - │ 9│the sights waited all day for want of see-ers--Mr. │ heart or │ - │ │Merryman was sad, for people would not down with │ │ - │10│the dumps; and though he cried "Walk up! only │ draw │ - │ │twopence," he failed to "take his change out of │ │ - │11│that." In vain King Richard offer'd his kingdom │ the │ - │ │for a horse; there were only a few asses within │purse-strings│ - │12│ear-ing. The sausages met with no stuffers, and │ │ - │ │the dog-meat pies remained unbitten, though the │ ♌ ♒ ♀ ♓ │ - │13│chimney- sweeps looked rabid at 'em. The hot │ │ - │ │spiced nuts met with a cold reception; the baked │ of a │ - │14│plum pudding was at no price current; and the │ │ - │ │ginger beer, though well up, would not go down. │fair-weather │ - │15│The pyramids of apples stood as unmoved as those │ │ - │ │of Egypt; but the nuts alone looked happy, for │ friend, │ - │16│the people gave them "none of their jaw." The │ │ - │ │temperance societies have turned the table to a │ ☉ ☿ ♂ │ - │17│T;--Men who have left off gin do not support Mr. │ │ - │ │Gingell; and water-drinkers have no affection │ and shall │ - │18│for fire-eaters. As to the gin temples, they │ │ - │ │found their day pretty well over, so they blazed │ he not │ - │19│at night, but their illuminated dials have made │ │ - │ │the world suspect "what's o'clock." Even the │ forthwith │ - │20│pickpockets failed of their harvest: for as the │ │ - │ │people abandoned the knaves in spirit, they were │ experience │ - │21│able to guard against the rogues in grain. │ │ - │ │ │ ☉ ♂ │ - │22│ │ │ - │ │ │_a cool and_ │ - │23│ │ │ - │ │ │_frosty air_,│ - │24│HARE HUNTING. │ │ - │ │ │ ☊ ♏ ♅ ♍ │ - │25│ │ │ - │ │ │ sufficient │ - │26│ │ │ - │ │ │ ♃ ♄ ♊ │ - │27│ │ │ - │ │ │ to blight │ - │28│ │ │ - │ │ │ all the │ - │29│QUARTER DAY. │ │ - │ │ │ blossoms │ - │30│The landlord seizes for his rent, but can't be │ of hope? │ - │ │ called a cheat, │ │ - │ │For though he takes your stools and chairs, he │ │ - │ │ leaves you a _re-seat_. │ │ - └──┴────────────────────────────────────────────────────┴─────────────┘ - -[Illustration: - - SEPTEMBER.—Cockney Sportsmen. -] - - - THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER. - A FRAGMENT. - -"And that's why I don't like a flinty soil," said the farmer. - -"Talking of flints," said the gentleman in the India-rubber coat, white -cords, and top-boots, "we'd a werry honcommon day's sport shooting, the -First of September ultimo: vich there vos me and Figgins, and Wiggins, -and Higgins, and young Apollo Belvidere Hicks, the poet, vot writes -werses in _Bell's Life_, and sends wery anonymous letters to the _Penny -Magazine_, and sings a werry good song now and then at the Adelphi -Shades—a werry slap-up party, I assure you. I writ an account of it at -the time, vich I sent to _Bell's Life_; but owing to a werry great press -of matter of tempory hinterest, vosn't hable to be printed. I've got the -journal in my pocket, and if you like, I'll read it." - -"By all means," said a chorus of voices. Whereupon the gentleman in the -India-rubber coat, white cords, and top-boots, _douted_ his half-smoked -cigar, stowed it away in his silver-mounted shagreen case, and pulling -out an amateur-built note-book, made of half-a-dozen sheets of -blue-lined paper, evidently purloined from the ledger, read as follows: - - "JOURNAL OF PROCEEDINGS ON THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER ULT. - - "_Edited by Jonathan Duggins, Esq._ - -"Up at six.—Told Mrs. D. I'd got wery pressing business at Woolwich, and -off to Old Fish Street, where a werry sporting breakfast, consisting of -jugged hare, partridge pie, tally-ho sauce, gunpowder tea, and-cætera, -vos laid out in Figgins's warehouse; as he didn't choose Mrs. F. and his -young hinfant family to know he vos a-goin to hexpose himself vith -fire-harms.— After a good blow-out, sallied forth vith our dogs and -guns, namely Mrs. Wiggins's French poodle, Miss Selina Higgins's real -Blenheim spaniel, young Hicks's ditto, Mrs. Figgins's pet bull-dog, and -my little thorough-bred tarrier; all vich had been smuggled to Figgins's -warehouse the night before, to perwent domestic disagreeables.—Got into -a Paddington bus at the Bank.—Row with Tiger, who hobjected to take the -dogs, unless paid hextra.—Hicks said we'd a rights to take 'em, and -quoted the hact.—Tiger said the hact only allowed parcels carried on the -lap.—Accordingly tied up the dogs in our pocket-handkerchiefs, and -carried them and the guns on our knees.—Got down at Paddington; and, -after glasses round, valked on till ve got into the fields, to a place -vich Higgins had baited vith corn and penny rolls every day for a month -past. Found a covey of birds feeding. Dogs wery eager, and barked -beautiful. Birds got up, and turned out to be pigeons. Debate as to -vether pigeons vos game or not. Hicks said they vos made game on by the -new hact. Fired accordingly, and half killed two or three, vich half -fell to the ground; but suddenly got up again and flew off. Reloaded, -and pigeons came round again. Let fly a second time, and tumbled two or -three more over, but didn't bag any. Tired at last, and turned in to the -_Dog and Partridge_ to get a snack. Landlord laughed, and asked how ve -vos hoff for tumblers. Didn't understand him, but got some waluable -hinformation about loading our guns; vich he strongly recommended mixing -the powder and shot well up together before putting into the barrel; and -showed Figgins how to charge his percussion; vich, being Figgins's first -attempt under the new system, he had made the mistake of putting a -charge of copper caps into the barrel instead of sticking von of 'em -atop of the touch-hole.—Left the _Dog and Partridge_, and took a -north-easterly direction, so as to have the adwantage of the vind on our -backs. Dogs getting wery riotous, and refusing to answer to Figgins's -vhistle, vich had unfortunately got a pea in it.—Getting over an edge -into a field, Hicks's gun haccidentally hexploded, and shot Wiggins -behind; and my gun going off hunexpectedly at the same moment, singed -avay von of my viskers and blinded von of my heyes.—Carried Wiggins back -to the inn: dressed his wound, and rubbed my heye with cherry brandy and -my visker vith bear's grease.—Sent poor W. home by a short stage, and -resumed our sport.—Heard some pheasants crowing by the side of a -plantation. Resolved to stop their cockadoodledooing, so set off at a -jog-trot. Passing thro' a field of bone manure, the dogs unfortunately -set to work upon the bones, and we couldn't get 'em to go a step further -at no price. Got vithin gun-shot of two of the birds, vich Higgins said -they vos two game cocks: but Hicks, who had often been to Vestminster -Pit, said no sitch thing; as game cocks had got short square tails, and -smooth necks, and long military spurs; and these had got long curly -tails, and necks all over hair, and scarce any spurs at all. Shot at 'em -as pheasants, and believe we killed 'em both; but, hearing some orrid -screams come out of the plantation immediately hafter, ve all took to -our 'eels and ran avay vithout stopping to pick either of 'em up.—After -running about two miles, Hicks called out to stop, as he had hobserved a -covey of wild ducks feeding on a pond by the road side. Got behind a -haystack and shot at the ducks, vich svam avay hunder the trees. Figgins -wolunteered to scramble down the bank, and hook out the dead uns vith -the but-hend of his gun. Unfortunately bank failed, and poor F. tumbled -up to his neck in the pit. Made a rope of our pocket hankerchiefs, got -it round his neck, and dragged him to the _Dog and Doublet_, vere ve had -him put to bed, and dried. Werry sleepy with the hair and hexercise, so -after dinner took a nap a-piece.—Woke by the landlord coming in to know -if ve vos the gentlemen as had shot the hunfortunate nurse-maid and -child in Mr. Smithville's plantation. Swore ve knew nothing about it, -and vile the landlord vas gone to deliver our message, got out of the -back vindow, and ran avay across the fields. At the end of a mile, came -suddenly upon a strange sort of bird, vich Hicks declared to be the -cock-of-the-woods. Sneaked behind him and killed him. Turned out to be a -peacock. Took to our heels again, as ve saw the lord of the manor and -two of his servants vith bludgeons coming down the gravel valk towards -us. Found it getting late, so agreed to shoot our vay home. Didn't know -vere ve vos, but kept going on.—At last got to a sort of plantation, -vere ve saw a great many birds perching about. Gave 'em a broadside, and -brought down several. Loaded again, and killed another brace. Thought ve -should make a good day's vork of it at last, and was preparing to charge -again, ven two of the new police came and took us up in the name of the -Zolorogical Society, in whose gardens it seems ve had been shooting. -Handed off to the Public Hoffice, and werry heavily fined, and werry -sewerely reprimanded by the sitting magistrate.—Coming away, met by the -landlord of the _Dog and Doublet_, who charged us with running off -without paying our shot; and Mr. Smithville, who accused us of -man-slaughtering his nurse-maid and child; and, their wounds not having -been declared immortal, ve vos sent to spend the night in prison—and -thus ended my last First of September." - -[Illustration: - - OCTOBER.—Brewing. -] - - ┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐ - │ [Illustration] OCTOBER. │ - ├──┬──────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ │ Hail! honest Toby, who all grumbling hates, │ - │ │ Who quaffs his ale, and cheerful pays his rates; │ - │ │ Whose faith is fixed and firm,—in stout October,— │ - │ │ Who scorns dissent,—except, from being sober; │ - │ │ Who swears the cause is best upheld by drinking, │ - │ │ Since he who takes to water, takes to thinking; │ - │ │ Who designates small beer a public scandal, │ - │ │ And knows no heresy but using the pump handle. │ - ├──┼─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤ - │D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │_Prognosti- │ - │ │ │fications._ │ - ├──┼─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤ - │ │ │ │ - │ 1│ DIALOGUE. │ Now │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 2│_Customer_: What can I have, waiter?—_Waiter_: What │ lest, │ - │ │ would you like, Sir? │ │ - │ │_C._ Can you give me a chop, or a steak?—_W._ No, │ │ - │ │ Sir. │ │ - │ 3│_C._ Any cold meat?—_W._ No. │peradventure│ - │ │_C._ Crust of bread and cheese?—_W._ No. │ │ - │ 4│_C._ Why, you've nothing at all in the house, then, │ ♉ ☍ ♉ ♀ │ - │ │ it seems?—_W._ Oh! yes we have. │ │ - │ │_C._ What?—_W._ AN EXECUTION! │ │ - │ 5│ │ │ - │ │ │ it should │ - │ 6│ │ │ - │ │ │ hereby │ - │ 7│ │ │ - │ │ │seem to the │ - │ 8│ │ │ - │ │ │undiscerning│ - │ 9│A mob of _Johnnies_ lay rough hands on the Spinning │ │ - │ │ _Jennies_, 1779. │ │ - │ │ │ multitude, │ - │10│_Spenser_ died, succeeded by _Coats_. (Query, │ │ - │ │ _Romeo_?) │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │11│ │ ♀ ♃ ⊕ │ - │ │ │ │ - │12│Day _breaks_. ——Poor fellow! when, and where? │that I have │ - │ │ I pity him, I do declare; │ │ - │13│ Unlike the surly wight, who said, │ deserted, │ - │ │ When rous'd up from his downy bed, │ │ - │14│ "What is't to me, if broke or no? │ ♒ ☿ ♊ ♎ │ - │ │ He owes _me_ nothing." (_Vide_ JOE.) │ │ - │15│ And Mrs. Day,—his loving mate,— │ the │ - │ │ 'Twill break her heart, as sure as │ │ - │ │ fate. │ │ - │16│ Oh, no! she treats it very _light_;— │ Celestial │ - │ │ She's run away with Mr. Night. │ │ - │17│ Should Mrs. Day, though, meet her │ Science, │ - │ │ _sun_, │ │ - │ │ Then Mr. Night will be undone; │ │ - │18│ For by some magic,—strange to say,— │ ☿ ♑ │ - │ │ This _sun_ will turn _Night_ into │ │ - │ │ _Day._ │ │ - │19│ │ and proved │ - │ │ │ │ - │20│ │an unworthy │ - │ │ │ │ - │21│ │ successor │ - │ │ │ │ - │22│ │ ♎ ♐ ☌ ♀ │ - │ │ │ │ - │23│ │ of the │ - │ │ │ │ - │24│ │defunct and │ - │ │ │ │ - │25│ST. CRISPIN. All _Soles_ Day. _Cobblers'_ Holiday. No│ doughty │ - │ │ business done in Downing Street. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │26│ │ MOORE, │ - │ │ │ │ - │27│ │ ☊ ♓ ♑ ♌ │ - │ │ │ │ - │28│ [Illustration] │ I do here │ - │ │ │ present │ - │29│ │ │ - │ │ │ one │ - │30│ │ │ - │ │ │ important │ - │31│Brewing ends. _Malt_-brun. Sir Matthew _Hale_. │prediction, │ - └──┴─────────────────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘ - - - ODE TO BEER. - - Hail, Beer! - In all thy forms of Porter, Stingo, Stout, - Swipes, Double-X, Ale, Heavy, Out-and-out, - Most dear. - Hail! thou that mak'st man's heart as big as Jove's! - Of Ceres' gifts the best! - That furnishest - A cure for all our griefs: a barm for all our—loaves! - Oh! Sir John Barleycorn, thou glorious Knight of Malt-a - May thy fame never alter! - Great Britain's Bacchus! pardon all our failings: - And with thy ale ease all our ailings! - I've emptied many a barrel in my time: and may be - Shall empty many more - Before - O'er Styx I sail: - Ev'n when an infant I was fond of Ale: - A sort of Ale-y Baby, - And still I love it, spite the gibes and jokes - Of _wine_ing folks. - For Stout I've stoutly fought for many a year; - For Ale I'll fight till I'm laid on my _bier_. - - - October! oh, intoxicating name! no drink - That e'er was made on earth can match with thee! - Of best French Brandy in the Palais Royal - I've emptied many a phial; - And think - That Double-X beats O-D-V. - On thy banks, Rhine, - I've drunk such Wine - As Bacchus' self might well unsober: - But oh, Johannisberg! thy beams are shorn - By our John Barleycorn; - And Hock is not Hock-tober! - As for the rest, Cape, Claret, Calcavella, - They are but "leather and prunello," - Stale, flat, and musty. - By thy side, Ale! - Imperial Tokay - Itself gives way; - Sherry turns pale, - And Port grows crusty. - Rum, Whiskey, Hollands, seem so much sour crout: - And Hodges' Mountain Dew turns out - A mere Hodge- - Podge. - Of _bishops_ ev'n, god wot! - I don't much like the flavour: - Politically speaking, (but then, politics are not - My trade,) - Exception should be made - In Doctor _Malt-by's_ favour. - _In vino veritas_, they say: but that's a fable— - A most egregious blunder. - I've been at many a wine-bibbing, ere now: - And vow, - For one that told the truth _across_ the table, - I've seen a dozen _lying_ under. - Besides, as old Sam Johnson said once, I've no patience - With men who never tell the sober truth - But when they're drunk: and a'n't to be believed, forsooth, - Except in their lie-bations. - Oh! do not think—you who these praises hear— - Don't think my muse be-mused with Beer! - Nor that, in speaking thus my pleasure, - I go beyond beer measure. - Would I had lived in days of good Queen Bet, - And her brave _déjeûners à la fourchette_! - No days were e'er like hers, - At whose gay board were ever seen to join - Those two surpassing Sirs, - Sir John, and famed Sir-loin. - - But stay! - It's time to end this lay; - Tho' I could go on rhyming for a year - (And think it sport - In praise of Beer); - But many folks, I know, like _something short_. - - - SO—OH!—LOGICAL SOCIETY. - -At the Annual Meeting of the So-oh!-logical Society, the Chairman, in an -able speech, which was highly satisfactory to himself and all present, -congratulated the members on the prosperous state of the concern. He -informed them that their coffers and their dens were yet undrained; that -they were still able to raise the wind, though they had very little -ventilation; that the shilling orders were on the increase, though the -animals were in a decline; and, admitting that some of them had galloped -off in a consumption, there was a consolation in the old adage, that -living asses were far better than dead lions,—a truth of which they must -all feel a full conviction. - -He stated that 15,073 pennyworths of apples, 10,732 gingerbread cakes, -and 6,532 half-pints of nuts had been sold during the year by the old -lady who sits at the bear-pit; that a Sunday school had been established -in the Gardens, under the superintendence of a committee of noblemen, -for the purpose of instructing the apes and monkeys in the art of -smoking cigars, and other usages of fashionable life; but that the -throngs of ladies who crowded round them during school-hours had greatly -retarded their improvement, by staring them out of countenance. - -He thought it right to mention to the Meeting that the Council, in the -choice of the Society's servants, had borne in mind that mere experience -is but empiricism, and they had discovered that whoever could wash a -coach-wheel could water a rhinoceros; that an over-grown _Tiger_ was a -proper person to feed a Lion, and the offsprings of their _darlings_ -were doubtless best qualified to fodder their _deers_. He congratulated -the Meeting, that while common show-men were confined by their -capabilities to merely exhibiting their animals alive, this collection -presented exclusively the additional advantage of a speedy opportunity -of dissection. He concluded by an announcement, for which he trusted -they would ever prove grateful, that his Majesty had granted to the -Society permission to appear at Court with long ears and a tail, and to -distinguish themselves by the appendage of any letters not exceeding -three to their names, but ending with an S. At this intimation the -delighted _Ear_-ers trotted away to give orders to their _tail_-ers, and -to search their dictionaries. They all returned _suit_-ed before they -got far into the alphabet. - -The President then read an interesting letter from a member detailing -new facts in the history of the domestic cat (_felis communis_). The -writer's housekeeper had been making her annual brewing of elder wine, -which was left in the barrel, unstopped, _secundum artem_, to ferment. -Hearing an extraordinary noise in the cellar, she ventured to peep -through the key-hole, and to her consternation beheld about twenty -strange cats, assembled, apparently on the invitation of the -Tortoise-shell of the family. They were engaged in springing in -succession on the barrel, plunging their tails through the bung-hole -into the delicious liquid till saturated, and then sucking them dry. The -old lady distinctly heard her pet grimalkin say to a grave tabby -gentleman, who seemed tasting, with an air of connoisseurship, "How! -How!" to which he replied, in sounds which seemed to her very like "More -brandy." The worthy dame fell down in a swoon, and was found by some of -the servants in a state of insensibility, with an empty brandy bottle in -her hand, and she had only sufficiently recovered to narrate the above -remarkable occurrence. The letter was ordered to be published in their -Annual Report, and many other _tails_ of cats formed subjects of -conversation during the evening. - -A learned member offered a shrewd conjecture that the common shrew was -the connecting link between quadrupeds and a certain variety of -woman-kind, and that the universal chain might again be traced from man -to the feathered race, through the medium of the human thief, especially -when he was a-robbin! - -The secretary informed the society that in consequence of the -discoveries of the British Association, the giraffes had been lately fed -on lettuce leaves, which had so far imparted to their necks the -properties of caoutchouc, that they now possessed the capability of -indefinite extension. At this period of the proceedings one of the -animals stretched his neck from his stable to the council room, and as -the president was proceeding to offer some consolation on the head of -the dead lion, by descanting on the spur in his tail, put his face into -the midst of the company, and, for the first time in his life, cried -out, "Bah!" which had the effect of breaking up the assembly. - - ┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬──────────────┐ - │ NOVEMBER. │[Illustration]│ - ├──┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────┼──────────────┤ - │ │The night comes on, when, braving civic law, │ │ - │ │The little savage burns his man of straw; │ │ - │ │Admires the hero as the crackers fly, │ │ - │ │And _fires_, to emulate the glorious Guy. │ │ - │ │With artless art he plans his victim's fall, │ │ - │ │Some apple-woman dozing at her stall, │ │ - │ │Who, waking, cries—half conscious of the fray— │ │ - │ │"How very _odd_ my _pairs_ is blow'd away!" │ │ - ├──┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────┼──────────────┤ - │D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │ _Prognosti- │ - │ │ │ fications._ │ - ├──┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────┼──────────────┤ - │ │ │ │ - │ │ALL SAINTS. Duke of Cumberland, Lord Lyndhurst, │ │ - │ 1│ Lord Melbourne, Crockford, Joseph Hume, Dan. │ duly │ - │ │ O'Connell. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 2│_First Day of Nervous epidemic among sundry idle │ concocted │ - │ │ Term._ gents, │ │ - │ │ who expect to be raised to the │ │ - │ │ _Bench_, and │ │ - │ 3│[Illustration] who are _pressed_ to "man the │ according │ - │ │ _Fleet_." │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 4│ │ to art, │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 5│GUNPOWDER PLOT. Guy _Vaux_ blows up the House of │ ♀ ⚹ ♏ ☽ │ - │ │ Lords. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 6│ FIFTH OF NOVEMBER. │ │ - │ │ │ to the │ - │ 7│What a pity 'tis this glorious fun day │ │ - │ │Should chance, this year, to fall on Sunday; │ fulfilment │ - │ 8│And leave us thus without the hope │ │ - │ │Of burning Guy Fawkes and the Pope; │ whereof │ - │ 9│Balking the little blackguard boys │ │ - │ │Of all their pretty, simple joys! │ │ - │10│I'm sure 'twill grieve them very sadly, │ ☿ ♊ ☽ │ - │ │And _other innocents_ as badly, │ │ - │11│Whose pious hate to _warm_ and cherish, │ I, │ - │ │The Pope, at all events, should perish; │ │ - │12│For _fires_ have always been the test │ RIGDUM │ - │ │For proving orthodoxy best. │ │ - │13│But stay!—perhaps, on application, │ FUNNIDOS, │ - │ │His Holiness a dispensation │ │ - │14│May grant, and, merely for this _one_ day, │ do │ - │ │Consent to burn with Guy on _Monday_. │ │ - │15│ │ hereby │ - │ │ │ │ - │16│ │ pledge my │ - │ │ │ │ - │17│ │asstrological │ - │ │ │ │ - │18│ │ reputation, │ - │ │ │ │ - │19│ │ ♃ ⊕ ♒ ☉ │ - │ │ │ │ - │20│ │ _viz._ │ - │ │ │ │ - │21│ │ The doom │ - │ │ │ │ - │22│ │ of _Turkey_ │ - │ │ │ │ - │23│ │ may be │ - │ │ │ │ - │24│ │ looked for │ - │ │ │ │ - │25│ │ ♈ ☍ │ - │ │ │ │ - │26│First night of Tom and Jerry. _Larks_ in season. │ as fixed │ - │ │ │ │ - │27│ │ │ - │ │ │ ☽ ♂ ♀ ♈ │ - │28│ │ │ - │ │ │ at │ - │29│ │ │ - │ │ │ ♓ ♑ │ - │30│Insurrection of the _Poles_, 1830. Ladies at the │ Christmas! │ - │ │ Treadmill refuse to have their hair cropped. │ │ - └──┴───────────────────────────────────────────────────┴──────────────┘ - -[Illustration: - - NOVEMBER.—S^t. Cecilia's Day. -] - - - MUSIC'S POWER. - - Music hath pow'r over all the world: - By the old and young 'tis prized. - 'Tis loved by the great, 'tis loved by the small, - And by the middle-sized. - - Music hath pow'r o'er the warrior stern, - In days of repose or of strife. - In battle, the bagpipe is passing sweet: - In peace, the drum and fife. - - Music hath pow'r over ladye fair, - When stars thro' heav'n are straying; - And under her window her own true-love - On the hurdy-gurdy's playing. - - Music hath power in the morn of life: - A pow'r not unfelt by any one. - No trumpet e'er sounds, in after-days, - So sweetly as youth's penny one. - - Music hath pow'r in age to recall - Sweet thoughts of youth and home. - Oh! how my heart-strings crack to hear - A boy blow thro' a comb! - - Music hath pow'r over shepherd and swain, - As, at eve, when the wood-dove moans, - He softly soothes his soul to repose - With the jew's-harp's tender tones. - - Music hath pow'r in the solemn aisles, - A deep and a holy charm: - When the clerk, with a pitch-pipe symphony, - Strikes up the hundredth psalm. - - Music hath pow'r in the Thespian halls: - I've been where thousands sate, - And heard a thousand pæans rise - To welcome "All round my hat." - - Music hath pow'r in the city's din. - How passing sweet to list, - Amid the busy hum of men, - To the barrel-organist. - - Music hath pow'r in the forum's walls, - 'Mid the gay and giddy throng. - Oh! is there a heart that has not beat high - At the magic sound of the gong? - - Music hath pow'r on the bright, blue lake. - Oh! how on _thy_ lake, Geneva, - I've listen'd at eve to the far-off sound - Of the marrow-bone and cleaver! - - Music hath pow'r on Hybla's hill, - When summer bees are humming; - And fair hands charm the insect band, - On frying-pan sweetly strumming. - - Music hath pow'r when lady lips - Chant forth some simple ditty - Of blighted hope or hapless love:— - Providing the lady's pretty. - - Music hath pow'r at morn's bright hour, - When the lark to heav'n's gate climbs. - And, at midnight, how sweet to hear "King Cole" - Play'd on the parish chimes! - - Music hath pow'r 'neath the torrid zone, - Where love in his ardour is found; - And the heart of the Indian melts - At the tom-tom's am'rous sound. - - Music hath pow'r on Greenland's ice; - When guileless hearts grow gladder, - And nimble feet rejoice at the sound - Of a dozen peas in a bladder. - - Music hath pow'r over brutish hearts, - To shake them to their middle. - The nightingale dies on the poet's lute; - And a bear will dance to a fiddle. - - Yes: music hath power o'er the wide, wide, world: - A power that's deep and endearing. - But music now has no power on me, - For I'm very hard of hearing. - -[Illustration: - - DECEMBER.—Christmas Eve. -] - - ┌───────────────────────────────────────────────────┬─────────────────┐ - │ DECEMBER. │ [1837.│ - ├──┬────────────────────────────────────────────────┴─────────────────┤ - │ │"Last scene of all," that ends the year, │ - │ │And ushers in brave Christmas cheer, │ - │ │Come, deckt as thou wert wont to be, │ - │ │In festive smiles and revelry, │ - │ │With roasted beef and minced pies, │ - │ │And pudding of gigantic size! │ - │ │Fit emblem of our wealth's vast sum; │ - │ │I'd be contented with a _plum_. │ - ├──┼────────────────────────────────────────────────┬─────────────────┤ - │D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │ _Prognosti- │ - │ │ │ fications._ │ - ├──┼────────────────────────────────────────────────┼─────────────────┤ - │ 1│ │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 2│ A RISING GENIUS. │ about │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 3│_Timothy Sly's own Epistle (not the Master's)._ │ which time, │ - │ │ │ │ - │ 4│DEAR DICK,—I copied my school letter to │ ⚹ ♒ ☿ │ - │ │Father and Mother ten times before one was good │ │ - │ 5│enough, and while the teacher is putting the │ many │ - │ │ capitals │ │ - │ │and flourishes in I shall slip this off on the │ │ - │ │ sly. │ │ - │ 6│Our examination was yesterday and the table was │ aldermen │ - │ │covered with books and things bound in gilt and │ │ - │ │ silk │ │ - │ 7│for prizes but were all put away again and none │ will be │ - │ │ of us │ │ - │ │got none only they awarded Master Key a new │ │ - │ │ fourpenny │ │ - │ 8│bit for his essay on Locke because his friends │ hung in │ - │ │ live │ │ - │ │next door and little Coombe got the tooth-ake so│ │ - │ │ they │ │ - │ 9│would not let him try his experiments on vital │ chains; │ - │ │ air │ │ - │ │which was very scurvy. It didnt come to my turn │ │ - │ │ so I │ │ - │10│did not get a prize but as the company was to │ │ - │ │ stop │ │ - │ │tea I put the cat in the water butt which they │ ☽ ♀ ♊ ♍ │ - │ │ clean │ │ - │11│it out in the holidays and they will be sure to │ │ - │ │ find │ │ - │ │her and we were all treated with tea and I did │ a dreadful │ - │ │ not │ │ - │12│like to refuse as they might have suspext │ │ - │ │ something. │ │ - │ │Last night we had a stocking and bolster fight │ doom! │ - │ │ after │ │ - │13│we went to bed and I fougt a little lad with a │ │ - │ │ big │ │ - │ │bolster his name is Bill Barnacle and I knocked │ │ - │ │ his │ │ - │14│eye out with a stone in my stocking but no body │ ♂ ☽ ☌ ♏ │ - │ │ knows │ │ - │ │who did it because we were all in the dark so I │ │ - │ │ could │ │ - │15│not see no harm in it. Dear Dick send me │ │ - │ │ directly │ │ - │ │your Wattses Hyms to show for I burnt mine and a│ but not │ - │ │ lump │ │ - │16│of cobblers wax for the masters chair on │ │ - │ │ breaking up │ │ - │ │day and some small shot to pepper the people │ so dreadful │ - │ │ with │ │ - │17│my quill gun and eighteen pence in coppers to │ │ - │ │ shy │ │ - │ │at the windows as we ride through the villiage │ │ - │ │ and │ │ - │18│make it one and ninepence for there's a good │ ♏ ⚹ │ - │ │ many │ │ - │ │as Ive a spite against yourself and meet me at │ │ - │ │ the │ │ - │19│Elephant and Castle and if there's room on the │ │ - │ │ coach │ │ - │ │you can get up for I want to give you some │ as │ - │ │ crackers │ │ - │20│to let off as soon as we get home while they are│ │ - │ │ all │ │ - │ │a Kissing of me │ their final │ - │21│ │ │ - │ │ Your affectionate brother │ sentence, │ - │22│ │ │ - │ │ TIMOTHY SLY.│ _viz._ │ - │23│ │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │24│ │ ♄ ♃ ♂ ☉ │ - │ │ │ │ - │25│CHRISTMAS DAY. Grand Council of _Nice_. │ │ - │ │ │ to be │ - │26│ │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │27│ │anthropophagized,│ - │ │ │ │ - │28│INNOCENTS. _Lamb's_ Holiday. Celebration of Lord│ │ - │ │ Melbourne's acquittal. │ │ - │ │ │ │ - │29│ │ ♄ ♐ ♎ │ - │ │ │ │ - │30│ [Illustration] │ or │ - │ │ │ │ - │31│_Silvester_ (Daggerwood?) │ devoured! │ - └──┴────────────────────────────────────────────────┴─────────────────┘ - - - THE CRIER'S SONG. - - Good people all, - Both great and small, - Come listen to my rhyme! - Let others sing the praise of Spring: - My theme's the Christmas time. - -['Old up the lantern, vill you, Bill?] - - Oh! time of joy - To man and boy; - Rich, poor; grave, gay; low, high: - When none but sounds of mirth are heard; - And only criers cry. - - Come, ope your gates! - The bellman waits - To claim his annual levy. - And hopes, to lighten his old heart, - You'll stand a pot of heavy. - -['Ow werry sewere the cold is, to be sure! it qvite makes von's head -turn round. I might have been having a drop too much—and I'm sure I -haven't: no—not a drop—too much. I only had half a pint o' beer at Mr. -Simkins's—and a small glass of gin at Mr. Wiggins's—and the least drop -as ever vos o' visky at Mr. Higgins's—and a pot of porter at Mr. -Figgins's—and a thimbleful of brandy at Mr. Villiam Smith's—and a mug of -stout at Mr. Valter Smith's—and a glass of grog at Mr. Thomas Smith's— -and the share of a pint of purl at Mr. John Smith's—and a teacupful of -cherry bounce at Vidow Smith's—and a draught of Dublin stout at Miss -Smith's—and I'm sure that couldn't do nob'dy no harm; could it, Bill?] - - There's not a stage - Of youth or age— - No spot in life's dull round, - But, like a guardian angel, there - Your faithful crier is found. - -[Vell, I never vos out in sech a frost in _my_ life: I can't keep my -legs the least bit as ever vos. Slippery times these is, to be sure. -Hold the lantern up, vill you, Bill?] - - When first a wild - And "poor lost child," - Seduced by Punch's laughter, - You stray in tears about the streets, - Don't I go crying after? - -[_Vill_ you 'old the lantern stiddy, Bill; and not keep vhirling it -about in that vay. Vot lots o' rewolving lights there is in this part of -the city, to be sure!] - - In after-life, - When vixen wife - Goes running o'er the town; - And, what is worse, runs you in debt; - Why—don't I cry her down? - -[Vell, I'm blest if ever I see such printing as this: they've let the -paper slip, and printed the werses twice over.] - - And when Lord Mayor, - The civic chair - With dignity you press, - For very joy, then, don't I cry— - Oh, yes! oh, yes! oh, yes! - -[I vishes them there vaits vouldn't make such a nise with their 'arps -and 'orns: nob'dy can't 'ear a vord as _I_ says: they're no gentlemen, -I'm sure: they might vait vaiting till I've done.] - - Then listen all, - Both great and small, - To what your crier declares: - Be sober [_hiccup_], true, and honest; and - You all may be Lord Mayors. - -[It's no use talking—nor reading nayther—for I can't get a vord out—it's -so werry cold! Werses is qvite lost sitch rhymy veather as this. Bill, I -see there's music and dancing going on at the gin shop over the vay; so -never mind boxing no more to-night, but let's go and jine in the -"Waults."] - - - SCRAPS FROM THE ANNUAL REGISTER. - -JAN. 9.—At a general meeting of the Governors of Christ's Hospital, Sir -John Soane's splendid architectural design for a new gateway to the -school was adopted, with one dissentient only, to whom it was conceded, -at his special request, that his _protégé_ should be allowed to enter -through a _Pipe of Port_. - -FEB. 10.—An eminent apothecary in the New Road attended at Marylebone -office to prosecute his errand boy, who, when sent out with medicine, -being versed in Shakspeare, used to "throw physic to the dogs," and sell -the empty bottles: the boy had spent the money in going to see the -Bottle Imp. The doctor said his suspicions were first excited by finding -his patients suddenly getting well. His worship at first threatened the -culprit with the pillory and the black-hole; but afterwards changed the -sentence into pills and a black draught, as more severe, and desired his -master to take him home and dose him. - -MARCH 10.—A young lady at the Bucks county ball was apparently seized -with convulsions in the midst of a quadrille. Her mamma ran to her -assistance, and matters were soon restored. It seems that, her waist -having been reduced to the minimum of magnitude, she was always obliged -to be unhooked behind before she could sneeze. - -MAY 25.—An elderly Gentleman was charged with having kissed a Lady for a -Lark, in the fields near Kentish Town. He was fined five shillings for -not being a better naturalist, with an admonition from the worthy -magistrate, that most of the birds in that district belonged to the -order "Pass-er." - -JUNE 23.—The splendid pair of yahoos, recently presented to the -So-oh!-logical Society by the Duke of C——, have shown such extraordinary -apt-ness, under the influence of example and good society, that on -Sunday last, after having been submitted to the respective operations of -Mr. Stulz and Madame Carson, they were allowed to walk out among the -fashionables, when they deported themselves so well, that none but those -in the secret could distinguish them from the rest of the company. - -JULY 15.—The torrents which ushered in the morning led many to believe -that, as this was the first day of St. Swithin's _reign_, so he had also -selected it for his coronation; and in this they were confirmed by the -streaming of the people along the streets, and the _wringing_ of the -_Belles_. - -AUG. 26.—At the meeting of the British Association, at Bristol, -Professor Buckland announced, as an indisputable fact, that the -antediluvians kept cows, and vended their produce as we do; for, in the -plains of Bul-garia, he had recently discovered a petrified milk walk, -with a fragment of a fossil pump-handle at the end of it. - -SEPT. 1.—A sporting Cockney was unlucky enough to hit a cow in the calf -of her leg, at Hornsey. She was no sooner in a limp than he was in a -hobble, and he found to his cost that leg of beef is not always to be -peppered with impunity. - -SEPT. 12.—Mr. Curtis announced his intention of standing for the Borough -of _Eye_, in the event of a dissolution of Parliament, and made his -opening speech to the voters amidst cries of "_Ear! Ear!_" - -OCT. 10.—"Found, a healthy male Infant," &c., &c. That ancient _sine quâ -non_ to persons crossing the seas, a child's _caul_, is now a mere drug -in the market. Instead of making it a _compagnon de voyage_, numbers -cross the seas to avoid it. A child's _call_, in high preservation, may -be picked up on any moonlight night, in any blind alley where you see -"Rubbish to be shot here." A handbill headed "Desertion," formerly a -monstrosity of un-English shape, is now a forme that the parish printer -always keeps standing; and the beadles dryly observe, that they are -become wet nurses to the children of half the parish. The Honourable -Commissioners of the mechanical powers, Messrs. Leave-er, Wedge, and -Screw, are indefatigable in fulfilling the intentions of their employers -who have devised this happy state of things, to save themselves and -their hopeful heirs from the unpleasant necessity of answering "A -child's call." - -NOV. 2.—A resolution was carried in the Common Council not to allow any -more money for summer excursions on the water. The minority said they -dreaded the vengeance of the ladies, and many members returned home in a -very unhappy state, looking anxiously about for inscriptions of "Broken -crockery mended here;" for they knew, by past experience, that man is -the vessel that goes to pot when it comes to family jars. - - * * * * * - - _Our revels concluded, a merry farewell - To all but a few irreclaimable sinners, - Who, if they were honest, might happen to tell - That they've had their deserts, tho' we've ruin'd their dinners._ - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1838. - - - MANNERS MADE EASY; - OR, HOW TO COBBLE A SILK PURSE OUT OF A SOW'S EAR. - - "Γαμμον ανδ Σπιναγε." - -Punctuality is essential to the character of a Gentleman. Early in the -New Year send peremptorily for all your bills. If they do not arrive in -a day or two, send again. By this exactness, you give your tradesmen -confidence, and ensure their civility for some time, in the hope of a -settlement. Having thus prevented any increase of charges, you can pay -at your leisure. I have heard of a gentleman whose aversion to the sight -of paper ruled in money columns had been indulged in as long as was -consistent with his personal safety, who thus addressed a creditor for -whom the _shut sesame_ of "call again" had lost its charm. "After having -for many years neglected my affairs, I have at length awakened to a -sense of my error, and have resolved, by a vigorous system of economy, -to retrieve them. Method, Sir, I now perceive that method is everything. -From this day I set apart a certain portion of my income sacred to the -payment of my debts."—"I am delighted, Sir, to hear of your noble -resolution."—"I have made a schedule of all I owe, and shall begin at -the top and persevere undeviatingly in regular though slow succession -towards the bottom:—so that you see, my dear Mr. Figgins"—"Sir, my name -is Wiggins"—"Wiggins! I had quite forgot; but I am sorry to hear it, -very sorry—for my list is alphabetical. Had it been Figgins, or even -Higgins, there would have been some chance for you, but the W's are so -very low down.—No, I cannot say when I shall reach the W's." - -If you wish to refuse the request of an old friend or a poor relation, -but can hardly screw your courage to the sticking-place, put on a pair -of tight shoes, and you will find it perfectly easy. - -Never introduce your friends to strangers without their consent, nor -permit such a liberty towards yourself, especially about November. Many -have been entrapped into the hands of John Doe and Richard Roe thereby, -unawares. - -Choose rainy days to pay your visits on. You will thus show your -sincerity, and be less likely to miss callers at home. Take your cloak -and hat into the drawing-room—to leave them below would be like one of -the family—but, above all, carry in your umbrella; you have no right to -leave it streaming in another person's hall. - -When you visit your maiden aunt, as you value your legacy expectant, -preserve an amiable face, and keep you hands and feet to yourself, while -her favourite tom cat reposes in you the height of his friendship by -looking you full in the face and vigorously stretching himself by the -aid of his ten talons hooked through your tight and tender kerseymeres. - -Though you may be a Nabob, or as rich as one, be not too anxious to -parade your black servants before your friends, for both your sakes; -they have, in general, two bad qualities—"stealing and giving odour."— -Shakspeare, hem! - -Never marry a widow (unless her first husband was hanged), or she will -be always drawing unpleasant comparisons. - -Never refuse a pinch of snuff, but do not become a snuff-taker: it is -paying through the nose for a little pleasure. - -Avoid argument with Ladies. In spinning a yarn among Silks and Satins, a -man is sure to be _Worsted_. - -It is common to speak contemptuously of tailors and dress-makers. This -is bad taste; none but a rat would run down the sewers. - -When a lady sits down to the pianoforte, always volunteer to turn over -the leaves. To be able to read music is of no consequence, as you will -know that she is at the bottom of a page when she stops short. If you -turn over two leaves at once, you will probably have the secret thanks -of most of the company. - -When your friend enters the room instantly rise, and, though there may -be half a dozen unoccupied chairs at hand, draw him with gentle force -into your own. You will thus show the warmth of your friendship; for a -damp seat may be as bad as a damp bed. - -In driving out never make a lady treasurer of the turnpike trusts;—or, -when you want twopence for a toll, you have to wait while the reticule -string is snapped in two; then, out comes a lace-edged white muslin -worked pocket-handkerchief, a pair of lemon-coloured kid-gloves, a -smelling-bottle, a bunch of keys, and, to crown all, a five-shilling -piece to change. All this time you are stuck fast in the jaws of a -turnpike gate, the Brighton Quicksilver in your rear, driver raving at -your back, leaders snorting over your shoulder. - -Never plan a pic-nic, on pain of skulking about the town for six months -after, dreading to meet, at every turn, the infuriated looks of the -bereaved parents of half a dozen little innocents in white frocks and -trousers, who have been washed away by an inundation; or to encounter -the menacing glances of budding heroes, fierce in the rudiments of -moustaches and chin-tufts, whose Celias and Delias have dropped into a -decline through sitting on the damp grass at your instigation. - -Never hesitate to take a friend with you when you go out to dinner. -Disappointments are so frequent that the lady of the house may perhaps -be glad of a spare gentleman to fill up a gap. - -In carving, remember that "'twere well it were done quickly." He must -be, therefore, the best carver who soonest fills the greatest number of -plates. Waste no time in asking if people like a wing or a leg, this bit -or that—many do not know their minds on any subject. Besides, as they -cannot all have the prime cuts, nothing but discontent can ensue from -giving them the choice. - -As too much of a good thing is morally impossible, fill the plates well— -the delicate can leave half, and the modest are saved the unpleasantness -of a second application; besides making the hostess your eternal friend, -if, through your management in the outset, some of the dishes go away -uncut for another day. - -Always return into the dish, before it goes from table, any portion of a -ragout that your friends may leave in their plates. It is ten to one if -your careless servants think of doing so afterwards. - -Instead of waiting for the dessert, let your children come in with the -first course—they cannot be used to good society too soon. They will -furnish topics for conversation, and if any present be vulgar enough to -require a second supply of soup, when the tureen is at low water mark, -they will probably relieve your embarrassment by upsetting it, and so -dispose of the question. - -Help the darlings first—they are dearer to you than mere visitors, to -whom you might, otherwise, inadvertently transfer some delicate bits on -which the little cherubs had set their minds. - -Do not detain the toothpick long after dinner—it's unpleasant to be kept -waiting for it. - -If a lady request you to select an apple for her, bite a piece out. How -can you recommend it without? - -Always wipe the brim of a pot of porter with your sleeve, if you are -about to hand it to a lady. - - - HIEROGLYPHICUM IN FUTURO. - - The Queen of Hearts, VIRGO, a bright constellation, - (That she'll turn up a trump is the hope of the nation), - By a whole pack of outlandish knaves who are suing, - Is sorely beset, for she shrinks from their wooing. - Each holds out a circle in which to entrap her, - And ev'ry one hopes that _he_ shall kidnap her. - But occult operations behind the state curtain - Shew an _Elph_, that makes _their_ success very uncertain. - Now, look to the left, and you'll see that _Egalité_, - That awful French thing, wants to pull down _Regality_; - And, much to the horror of all Christian people, - It tugs at the Church,—or, at least, at the steeple. - A sage-looking wight, who is marking the "Movement," - Seems to think it by no means would be an improvement; - But as prophecies often show forth strange vagaries, - And, nine times in ten, are explained by contraries, - Let us hope we shall find that a people's affection - Is the very best remedy 'gainst disaffection. - May it crush the foul traitors who love revolution, - And preserve all that's good in our wise constitution. - -[Illustration: - - JANUARY.—New Year's Eve. -] - - JANUARY [1838 - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - JACK FROST. - - Hail, Snow! not the white head at Snow and Paul's, - But speaking city-wise, that oddity - Which rises higher as the more it falls, - A paradoxial commodity. - - The schoolboy's long expected an-nu-al;— - Abandon'd now are wicket, bat, and ball; - Gradus, degraded—manual, underfoot— - Rebate, at discount—routed, cubic-root. - - The pelted village idol, by the way, - With hideous grin uplifts his hoary pate, - To make a parson swear, or poacher pray, - Or frighten some old woman passing late. - - Perchance a supple New Poor-Law Commissioner, - On plans of pauper diet deep intent, - May start and think of some white-haired petitioner, - Turned out to starve by act of parliament. - - But what cares he for hot, cold, wet, or dry? - Thanks to the Whigs, he gets his sal-a-ry. - -12 Lavater d. 1801. - - "I think I've seen your face before." - "WERRY LIKE." - -26 Botany Bay colonized, 1788. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - Rejoice and praise, in merry lays, - The wisdom of the wigs, - Which kindly found, on classic ground, - A paradise for prigs. - - Assembled there, in talent rare, - Each knave salutes a brother, - And friendly yet, their wit they whet, - By practice on each other. - -31 Young Pretender d. 1788. _N.B._ Race not extinct. - - - MY DANCING DAYS ARE OVER. - _By the Gentleman in the White Waistcoat._ - - My dancing days are over now, - My legs are just like stumps; - My fount of youth dried up, alas! - Wont answer to the pumps, - Yet who so fond of jigs as I? - Of hornpipes such a lover? - Of gallops, valses,—but, alas! - My dancing days are over. - - In feats of feet, what foot like mine - (Excuse me if vain-glorious:) - Like mine for grace and dignity - No toe was more notorious. - Oh! then what joy it was to hear - _Roy's Wife_ or _Kitty Clover_! - But _Drops of Brandy_ now won't do: - My dancing days are over. - - My feet seem fastened down with screws, - That were so glib before; - And my ten light fantastic toes - Seem toe'-nailed to the floor. - I cannot bear a ball room now, - Where once I lived in clover; - Terpsichore quite made me sick; - My dancing days are over. - - I used to dance the New Year in, - And dance the Old Year out; - Ah! little did I then reflect - That _chacun à son_ gout, - All summer thro' I skipped and hopped, - At Margate, Ramsgate, Dover. - The year was then one spring—but now - My dancing days are over. - - I'm eighteen stone and some odd pounds: - So all my neighbours say. - I'll go this moment to the scale; - But I can't _balancez_. - When in a ball room I appear, - As soon as they discover - My presence, off the girls all fly, - My dancing days are over. - - I'm quite as fat as Lambert was, - Or any old maid's spaniel; - And when I walk along the street - They cry, "A second Daniel!" - And if I go into a shop - Of tailor, hatter, glover, - They always open _both_ the doors: - My dancing days are over. - - My college chums oft jeer at me, - And cry, "Lord, what a porpus! - Who'd take you for a Johnian? - You seem to be of Corpus!" - The stage-coachmen all look as if - They wished me at Hanóver: - The safety cabs don't think me safe: - My dancing days are over. - - My great pier glass, that used to show - My waist so fine and thin; - Now, turn whichever way I will, - Won't take my body in. - My form, that once a parasol - Would always amply cover, - A gig umbrella now requires: - My dancing days are over. - - In vain my hand I offer now; - Away each damsel stalks; - Chalk'd floors no longer may I walk, - So I must walk my chalks. - For me there is no woman-kind: - None wait me now for lover. - Maid, widow, wife, all fly—they know - My dancing days are over! - - FEBRUARY [1838 - - - VALENTINE'S DAY. - - It's very odd, and even so, and why I can't discover, - That I should wait, at Cupid's gate, the knocking of a lover; - There's old Miss Young, with wily tongue, has tickled Captain Sly; - The wrinkled frump will bear his stump, to get a Leg-a-cy. - There's little Brown, I set him down for sure among the shymen, - He is, altho' so short a beau, drawn in the knot of _High-men_. - And Corp'ral Scout, to buy him out, the Widow does not falter, - It hurts her pride that he should ride so long without a _haltar_: - But pert Miss Green, just turn'd sixteen, she need not use such speed, - To make a hash with Count Moustache—'tis Baby-work indeed. - -14 Blackstone d. 1780. - -[Illustration: - - Judge of A-Size. -] - - Judge Blackstone was a learned judge, - As wise as ever sat, - He wore his head within his wig, - His wig within his hat. - - Judge Blackstone made a learned book - On subjects, and on kings, - And many reasons sage he gave - For many foolish things. - - And many a wily way he found - For lawyers to get fat in, - And common sense, and English sound, - He smothered in dog-latin. - - And simple ways made strange to see, - As clients, to their loss tell; - And many things that law may be, - Altho' they be not Gos-pel. - - But since (see Job) we are but worms, - Our destiny we fill, - No doubt, in being gobbled up - By some long lawyer's bill. - -28 Hare Hunting ends. "_Nemo est hæres viventis._"—BLACKSTONE. - -[Illustration: - - FEBRUARY.—Frost Fair. -] - - - FROST FAIR: - A LAMENT. BY TOM TUG. - - Vell, blow me tight, but here's a go! I can't hardly believe my eyes, - It's a rig'lar Bartlemy Fair afloat, vith its stalls, and peep-shows, - and t'ys, - And vonderful lambs vithout niver a head, and vonderfuller pigs with - three; - And ships a svimmin' about in the air, instead of on the water, vere - they orts to be; - And chaps a selling peppermint to keep the cold out, vich is jest the - vorst thing under the sun; - And people a having their names printed on cards, vot can't read 'em - ven they're done; - And lads and lasses a dancing and singing, and up to all manner o' - queer raps; - And fat sheep a roasting whole, but not a bit for us poor amphibilous - chaps; - And fellers a playing at nine pins on the ice, vot can't stand on their - own two; - And ticket porters a stopping to see Punch, instead of going on their - arrans, as they orts to do; - And firemen a cutting about here and there, as big and grand as any - lord or squire. - Vith their red coats and badges—I s'pose they're afeard o' someb'dy's - setting the Thames afire— - And booths up and down of all sorts and sizes, till it looks like a - Boothia Felix quite, - Vith the moniment for the North Pole—that is, ven the fog and smoke'll - let you git a sight— - And the turnpike men off the warious bridges, vith nothink in the vorld - to do all day - But go to sleep on their rusty turnstiles, for in course people ain't - sitch spoons as to pay - To pass thro' their rewolving plate-warmers, ven they can go over the - vater free; - Vich I don't care so much for the bridge chaps, 'cause they does a good - deal o' harm to we. - - As for Billingsgate Market, the trade there's downright flat, ruinated - and dead; - The fine fresh soles can't come up to be cried, and so they cries - cast-metal skates instead. - I alvays thought sitch things vos regilated by act of parlyment, and - proclaimed by the Lord Mayor; - I knows a bit o' Burnses's Justice, I does; and my opinion is, it aint - a legle fair. - It's a nice look out, ain't it, for a young man vot the vater's his - only bread? - I'm blowed if I don't think I shall cut the river, and take to the land - instead, - And labour for the adwantage o' science—body-snatching, I mean—for - where's the harm, ifegs! - Ven their ain't no further demand for skulls, to try to do a little - bisness in arms and legs? - As for the vind, I think it'll never be nothink but due nor' again: - I often looks up at the weathercock, but, bless your heart, it's all in - _vane_! - Poor fellers! as Shakespear says, our occipation's rig'lar done up, and - no mistake, - Vot vith von thing or another (vich von misfortin, you know, alvays - brings another in its wake). - - - I don't like to say nothink unliberal or unvatermanlike, but this I - vill say, the ruin of us is - Them tarnation, smoking, steaming, fizzing, pothering, - unnattaral-looking water-buses. - Unnattaral, _I say_—for who ever meant wessels to go on wheels? or a - nasty, long, curly, black, - Stinking, pothery pennant o' smoke to take place o' the British Union - Jack? - And as if that vosn't enough, to spoil our trade and set all our poor - old hearts a breaking, - Mr. Brunel must come to finish us up, poor wretches! vith his horrid - _under_-taking. - Mister B. is a wery ambitious man, that's vot he is, and his work a - wery great bore: - But, thank heav'n! it'll be a long time before his tunnel (whatever his - fame may do) reaches from shore to shore. - - I never gets a sight o' nothink good now—beefsteaks, nor anything else - that's nice: - No ingins (except steam ingins), and you may count my ribs (tho' you - can't the ribs of ice). - I did a job for a confectioner t'other day, as vos a trying to larn to - skate, - But his heels tript up right bang, and down he fell on the back of his - pate. - Vell, up I vips him in my arms, and carries him straight off home in a - trice. - I _did_ think I should get a glass of grog for that job, but, says he, - "Von't you take a ice?" - "No, Sir," says I, walking off wery indignant, and looking jest as sour - as sour crout, - "Ven I takes a drop o' liquor I al'ys has it 'varm vith'—I doesn't like - 'cold vithout.'" - - But it's no use talking, for talking only makes one more hungrier and - more drier: - And the heat of argiment's wery unlike the heat of a good kitchen fire. - I'm as dry as an old boat, vot ain't good for nothink in life but to - knock up and burn; - And so I sees plain enough suicide's the only side on vich I can turn. - Bless you, I'm as hollow as a drum, and as thin as any poor devil of a - church mouse; - So here goes for the fatal plunge—what's a plunge more or less to a man - as hasn't got a _sous_? - - Here goes—but, oh, crikey! vhere _am_ I to go to find a drop o' vater - un-froze? - Vell, that's the cuttingest thing of all—to think as a man can't put a - end to his woes - In his own native element, as he vos bred and born to, and lived in, - man and b'y, - Uppards of thirty-six year come next Midsummer (vich it never vill come - again to I). - Vell, I've tuck my leave of the river, and my poor miserable little - funny, so pretty and red: - I shall never shoot Lunnun Bridge no more, so I'll go and shoot myself - instead. - -[Illustration: - - A CHARITY BALL—Dancing for the Million. -] - - - THE GOOD OLD TIMES. - - Let others sing of times to come— - Of joys that never will! - My song shall be of days gone by: - So, boys, a bumper fill - To the good old times! oh, the good old times! - Their like we ne'er shall see: - The world was full of honest hearts, - And life went merrily. - - In the days of youth, when all was flowers, - And ev'ry month was May, - And my spirits were light as the thistle down - And my heart was always gay, - I loved a fair and gentle maid - With all the constancy - That a mutual flame in youth can inspire: - But, alas! she jilted me. - Oh, the good old times! the good old times - Their like we ne'er shall see: - The world was full of honest hearts, - And life went merrily. - - Friends of to-day, how vain are they! - The partners of an hour, - That fortune gathers round a man, - As sunshine wakes the flow'r. - _My_ friend and I, in infancy, - Play'd 'neath the same old tree: - One home was ours for long, long years, - Till my friend arrested me. - Oh, the good old times! the good old times! - Their like we ne'er shall see: - The world was full of honest hearts, - And life went merrily. - - My country's cause was always mine— - Britannia, ocean's bride!— - A patriot's name my dearest boast, - A patriot's heart my pride. - My leader was "the people's friend;" - 'Twas thus he gain'd my vote: - But they put him on the pension list, - And _the patriot_ turn'd his coat. - Oh, the good old times! the good old times! - Their like we ne'er shall see: - The world was full of honest hearts, - And life went merrily. - - 'Twas then I felt that honour dwelt - In noble ancestry; - That still in high and gentle blood - Some secret virtues lie. - My champion now I joy'd to hear - Rail at the parvenu: - But I soon found _him_ on the Civil List— - With his wife and cousins too. - Oh, the good old times! the good old times! - Their like we ne'er shall see: - The world was full of honest hearts, - And life went merrily. - - Disgusted with the city's vice - I to the country sped. - A simple husbandman, my life - 'Mid flocks and herds I led. - The livelong day I'd pipe and play, - Or on some thyme-bank sleep: - But at night they broke into my folds, - And stole my cows and sheep. - Oh, the good old times! the good old times! - Their like we ne'er shall see: - The world was full of honest hearts, - And life went merrily. - - They told me 'twas my single state - That harass'd thus my life; - And to the altar soon I led - A young and lovely wife. - Oh! then what joys, what hopes were mine. - Life seem'd a brighter heaven: - But my wife eloped with her cousin Tom, - And left me infants seven. - Oh, the good old times! the good old times! - Their like we ne'er shall see: - The world was full of honest hearts, - And life went merrily. - - MARCH [1838 - -[Illustration: - - MARCH,—S^t. Patrick's Day. -] - -[Sidenote: MARCH - of Mind - in the - Privileged - Classes: - Marquess of - W—— - and other - such asses. - ⚹ ☿ ♏ ♀ - ♊ ☽ ♂ ☌ - MARCH - of - Musical Science - also - 'mong high - and low, - who jump - Jim Crow; - [Illustration] - ♀ ♒ ♄ ☿ - the force of - taste - ☍ ♈ ♀ ⚹ - can - no further - go!] - - - TAFFY'S ANNIVERSARY. - - Come, Liberality!—I hail the name, - Whether 'tis "all for love," or love for fame— - Whether to strike the world is your desire, - In printed lists of donors dubbed "Esquire;" - Whether to govern in those stately domes - Where Want's pale children sigh in vain for homes, - And few but those who're blest with wealth and kin, - And means to keep them out, can struggle in; - Whether you boldly sport your own bank-notes, - Or beg about for other people's votes; - Whether you fill the presidential chair, - Or join the throng because a Lord is there; - Or, like some Lords, whose plan is rather funny, - Put down your name, but never pay the money. - But if, like some, the only certain way - To reach your heart does through your stomach lay, - Then mount the leek, a true Saint David's son, - And let the fund afford a little fun, - 'Mid warring knives, and charge of glasses' din, - Turn out your purse, and be well lined within. - Tough tho' the mutton, as a saddle, there, - Like Bardolph, you can eat, and "eat and swear," - And doom, with aching teeth and furious looks, - The dinner to the sire of all bad cooks.— - But now behold, the dishes clear'd and gone, - Three dismal men who twine three tunes in one, - And send forth sounds, with faces sad to see, - Call'd by the chair, "The favour of a Glee."— - Appealing lists appal you now, and they - Are nail'd for pounds, who screw for pence all day. - But hear the sweet applauses of the crowd, - When Mister Secretary reads aloud - That Smith or Jones has put down One Pound One; - Then, if you've luck to get a hat, begone, - Unless you longing linger near the spot - To hear "Should auld acquaintance be forgot." - -[Illustration] - - - ST. PATRICK'S DAY. - _An Irish Mellow-day._ - - It was Paddy O'Murrough that lov'd Mistress Casey: - In ribbons for her he would squander his pelf; - And he swore that without her he'd never be aisy, - And sent her big praties to roast for herself. - - He said she was "Vanus, and Mars, and Apolly," - And twenty more goddesses up in de skies: - And never tired praising her swate little ankle, - And her swate little mouth, and her swate little eyes. - - Says he, "Let de rest git dere bunches o' roses, - And stick 'em so iligant top o' dere head: - Och! Nora don't nade sich bamboozlificashin: - Her own purty locks is as bright an' as red. - - "So, Nora, my darlint, now take pity on me— - Ochone! but 'tis luv is de terrible smart! - An och, bodderashin! 'tis Misther O'Cupid - Wid his little shilaly is breakin' my heart!" - - 'Twas Lent when Pat said so,—but Nora said, "No, Sir;" - She knew 'twas no use at that time to consent; - But by Mothering Sunday Pat found her much softer, - And before Lent was over, he saw her relent. - - The day was soon fixed—Easter Monday, be sure, - The time seem'd to Pat a snail's gallop to go; - "By de hokey!" says he, "is it fast days dey call 'em? - For fast days I tink dey move murtherous slow." - - At length Easter Monday arrived bright and gay, - Saint Patrick's Day too—nothing could be more pat - To chapel away they all went—in a _buss_: - For a wedding, what carriage so proper as that? - - So the knot was soon happily tied—tho' I know - There are some in the world think it wrong thus to tie men; - That the poor have no right to get married at all; - And that low men have no sort of bus'ness with Hymen. - - Return'd, they sat down to an iligant feast: - An divil the knife or the fork that lies idle; - There's praties in plenty, pig-puddings, and pork, - And a saddle of mutton, to match with the bridal. - - And then comes the dance, and the drink, and the toast: - "Pat Murrough, your health—you're a broth of a b'y" - Och! how tipsy they were! e'en the clargy himself, - Like Pity, was seen with a drop in his eye. - - Then in comes Mick Larry, Pat Murrough's old rival, - With a lot of his friends from Sev'n Dials direct; - And och! what a scrimmige and murther intirely! - And then the police comes, the peace to protect. - - Then straight to the beak Paddy Murrough is taken: - Mick Larry himself 'tis appears against Pat; - Says the beak, "You're with bigamy charged, Paddy Murrough!" - "Och, big'my! 'tis little I know sure of that!" - - "What is it, your wurtchip?" says Paddy.—Says he, - "'Tis a serious offence 'gainst the laws of the nation— - To marry two wives, which is bigamy call'd— - And the punishment death—or, at least, transportation. - - "So take leave of your spouses, for I must commit you!" - "Stop a minnit, my jewel!" says Paddy, says he: - "Sure I know'd very well what your wurtchip has tould me; - And so, to be safe, I got married to three!" - - APRIL [1838 - -[Illustration] - - - THE DARBY DAY. - - Come, Bet, my pet, and Sal, my pal, a buss, and then farewell— - And Ned, the primest ruffling cove that ever nail'd a swell— - To share the swag, or chaff the gab, we'll never meet again, - The hulks is now my bowsing crib, the hold my dossing ken. - Don't nab the bib, my Bet, this chance must happen soon or later, - For certain sure it is that transportation comes by natur; - His lordship's self, upon the bench, so downie his white wig in, - Might sail with me, if friends had he to bring him up to priggin; - And is it not unkimmon fly in them as rules the nation, - To make us end, with Botany, our public edication? - But Sal, so kind, be sure you mind the beaks don't catch you tripping, - You'll find it hard to be for shopping sent on board the shipping: - So tip your mauns afore we parts, don't blear your eyes and nose, - Another grip, my jolly hearts—here's luck, and off we goes! - - - SETTLING FOR THE HOAX. - -[Illustration] - -3 LOW SUNDAY. "_Facile est descensus_—" - -8 Sir R. Peel resigned, 1835. - - To all the virtues of exalted station, - He adds the greater one of resignation. - -15 Clock with Sun. - -[Illustration] - - _Caution._—Never undertake to get a lady's watch repaired, or you - will be held responsible for its defects ever after. - -24 Geological Society instituted, 1826. - -[Illustration] - - Kind friends in need are they who make no bones, - When paupers ask for bread, to give them stones. - -[Illustration: - - APRIL.——_Low_ Sunday. -] - - - ODE TO SIR ANDREW AGNEW: - AND ALL WHOM IT MAY CONCERN. - - Sir Andrew Agnew, oh! thou scourge of sinners, - Thou legislator against vice - And nice - Hot Sunday dinners! - What shall we do - Now thou art gone—thou and Sir Oswald[3] too— - To make men fast and pray - Each seventh day? - Who now shall save us from sin's burning embers? - Now that we've lost our two old _Marrowbone_ members? - But seriously, Sir Andrew, do you think - There's so much harm in meat and drink? - That a hot steak - Ate once a week - Shows a depraved state of society? - That frizzled bacon - Argues a soul mistaken? - And—pray don't start!— - That devil'd kidneys show a dev'lish heart? - That there is irreligion in hot fry? - And that cold pie alone is pie-ty? - If so, begin, Sir, with the rich: ask these - To give up their ragouts, and stews, and fricassees. - I guess they'd think your application rather strange; - But if you _will_ work out your Bill, - Believe me, you must take a wider kitchen range. - Then, Sir, you think it wrong - In 'bus or cab to ride along - The streets, - Intent on rural treats - At Hampstead, Islington, or Turnham Green; - But have you never seen - The crowd - Of knights and dames, on palfreys fierce and proud, - That fill - Hyde Park o' Sundays? I don't wish to tease, - But, Sir, for riders such as these, - There ought, I think, to be a rider to your Bill. - No doubt it's very wrong, and shows but little _nous_, - To go a tea-drinking, and making merry - At th' _Eagle_, _Rosemary Branch_, or _Yorkshire Stingo_;— - _Chalk Farm's_ as vile, by jingo! - There's something very black about _White Conduit House_. - Richmond is sad; - And Twickenham's as bad: - And Hampton Wick is very wicked—very. - But, Sir,—excuse the freedom of my pen— - D'ye think that they - Who spend the day - At Tattersall's, in laying wagers - On Derbys, Oaks, and Legers, - Are _better_ men? - And then, the Clubs!—where gambling of all kinds, - And vices such as daylight never saw, - Are carried on behind cast-metal blinds— - For these, Sir, can't you frame some new Club Law? - Then, Sir, I know - You vote rat-killing low; - And wouldn't sit - For worlds in the Westminster Pit. - And so no doubt it is—extremely shocking; - But so is cocking! - And I have known full many a _noble_ lord - (I have, upon my word,) - Fight cocks upon this day: - So pray, - Before for us poor folks you legislate, - Just try to quell this main-ia in the great. - Then music drives you mad: - And, Scotchman tho' you be, - I know - You wouldn't suffer even a Scotch fiddle; - And, as for "down the middle," - And such-like tricks of Dame Terpsichore, - I've often heard you say they're quite as bad: - And that all persons merit a sound whipping - Who are found tripping. - (_Àpropos_— - How you'd be shock'd in France, - To see, Sir, a whole country dance!) - Mind! I don't say but that all this is wrong: - But is it worse, Sir, than the Sunday song - Of Grisi, Albertazzi, Betts, Rubini, - Lablache, or Tamburini? - And would it not be better first to wipe out - This sin among the high and mighty of the State, - Before you put the poor man's pipe out? - For my part, I think _Vivi tu_ - As wicked as _All round my hat_—don't you? - And really I don't know - How you can stop _Jim Crow_, - And let the rich - Carry their concerts, Sir, to such a concert pitch. - And, if, Sir, I may speak - My mind, your plan to gag our week - (Tho' done, perhaps, with very best intention) - Is but a _weak_ invention. - Besides, Sir, here's a poser,— - At least to _me_ it seems a closer, - And shows a shocking lack of legislative skill— - If nothing, Sir, 's to work from Saturdays to Mondays, - Pray how's your Bill - To work on Sundays? - -Footnote 3: - - Sir O. Moseley, who lost his election, they say, from having seconded - Sir Andrews' Sunday Bill. - -[Illustration: - - MAY,—"All a growing!" -] - - MAY [1838 - - - BOWING AND HARROWING. - -[Sidenote: MAY - the grand - Coronation - give joy - to the - Nation! - ☿ ☊ ♏ - MAY - the - QUEEN - live - for ever! - huzza! - ♑ ♌ △ - MAY - Tories - and - Whigs - run - no more - of their - rigs! - ♈ ♍ ☊ - and - John Bull - have - less taxes - to pay!] - - Oh! the Archers of Frogshot assemble to-day, - And the fame of their doings has spread a great way; - In lacings and facings they're beaten by no men, - They've plenty of Beaux there, but very few Bow-men. - There are Misses to hit, who no longer will tarry, - And many Maid Mari-ans willing to marry; - There's a Robin Hood fierce with nobody to fear him, - And Tell shoots the apple of eyes that come near him; - There are Foresters, famous for eating a dinner, - And prizes, all sizes, but wanting a winner, - And Dames in a pet if they get their pet-dog shot; - And these are the deeds of the Archers of Frogshot. - -13 Edmund Kean d. 1833. - - - AMATEUR THEATRICALS. - -[Illustration] - - Behold the beardless _Flat_, a fancied _Kean_; - The mawkish maid a stilted heroine; - Tailors, retailers, spread dismay around, - Heroes, by "=This Endenture=," basely bound, - Braving the Chamberlain's portentous frown, - Wield the baton, or mount the paper crown; - Renounce their civic fetters for a throne; - For _horses_ barter _kingdoms_ not their own; - And find too late,—too soon, perhaps, by far,— - The stage a half-way step from bench to _bar_. - That Queen, in satin train, was trained in camlet, - And he carves Ham who nightly cuts up Hamlet; - The frail Jane Shore perchance is no impostor; - While Gloster's Duke by day serves double Gloster; - And 'tis but heaping Pelion on Ossa, - If Ross, the barber, shines as Barbarossa. - Then cheer up, Covent Garden! courage, Drury! - Misfortune's storms in vain may vent their fury, - When counter, kitchen, garret, bench, and stall, - Send forth such champions to avert your fall. - -31 Joe Grimaldi d. 1836. - -[Illustration] - - Farewell, transcendant Joe! - Thou mirth-inspiring wight! - Who, tho' thou wert so Grim-all-day, - Yet mad'st us laugh at night. - - - JOHN BUDD AND SUKEY SIMS. - - Susanna Sims was under nurse - To little Messieurs Cole; - And John Budd was a gardener, - That lived at Camber_woll_. - And John would often say to Sue, - "We're for each other made: - For vy—ain't I a nursery-man, - And you a nursery-maid?" - - He said she was his pink, his rose, - His _Clarkia Grandiflora_: - And swore no love had ever root - Like to the love he bore her. - Yet still, whenever he talk'd thus, - She look at him quite gruff, - And "Come now, Mister Budd," she'd say, - "None of your garden stuff!" - - And every year, as spring came round, - With flow'rs of every hue, - He'd cull the fairest of them all, - And carry them to Sue. - But all in vain for him to bring - The sweetest buds of May; - For cruel Susan still turned up - Her nose at his nosegay. - - Vainly in search of blossoms rare - He wandered to and fro: - She spurn'd them all; and every bloom - To him was a fresh blow. - And when he'd boast his pretty birds, - Their songs and merry freaks, - She'd say, "John Budd, I doesn't care - A twopence for the beaks." - - The fact was this, _another_ swain - Had won fair Susan's heart— - The fancy-bread man, Sammy Twist— - For him she felt love's smart. - And still, while "Oh! 'tis love, 'tis love!" - Was running in John's head, - Susanna Sims would sing, "Oh! tell - Me where is _fancy bread_?" - - No doubt it was a puzzling state - To be in—that of Sue: - The baker's man was very poor, - John Budd was well to do. - One hour she'd say, "I'll marry Sam;" - Another, "No, I wont." - Poor Susan Sims! Love whisper'd "_Dough_:" - But Interest said "Don't." - - At last Sue quite made up her mind - In favour of the baker; - And sent him word to say that he - Might come next day and take her. - Away they stole at early dawn: - "And now, my pretty puss," - Says he, "we'll have a cab." Says she, - "No; I prefers a buss." - - They get in one of Shillibeer's, - And rode along Fleet Street, - (So call'd, I am told, because in it - You never _can_ go fleet,) - When "Crikey! here's a pretty start! - Vere _are_ you going, miss, - Vith that ere married man?" sang out - The tiger of the 'bus. - - Then Susan gave a shriek, and fell - Just like a piece of lumber; - And Sammy blew the tiger up, - And swore he'd take his number. - And then Sue open'd half an eye, - And cried, in accents crack'd, - "Oh, Sam! how could you guilty be - Of such a marriage act?" - - Then Sammy for the Doctor ran— - At least he told 'em so. - He went: but as for coming back, - Alas! it was "no go." - And when at last poor Sue got home, - As pale as any lily, - She found a letter from John Budd: - And thus ran Johnny's billy:— - - "I seed you get into the 'bus, - To be another's wife: - And so resolved to go and end - My wegetable life. - I've tuk an ounce of pois'nous stuff; - And when these lines you see, - Dear Susan, I shall be no more— - Alas!— - - Your humble B—." - - JUNE [1838 - - - THE MARTYRDOM OF ST. PAUL'S. - - Oh, Charity! celestial _dame_!—I cannot call thee _maid_, - While ev'ry year thy children clear make such a grand parade. - Ah! 'tis a glorious sight to see thy little pauper brats - Parade the streets of _Baby_lon like demi-drowned rats. - Before the sun's begun to run, they're startled from their nest, - And by their anxious mothers in the parish fin'ry dressed; - And how those mothers' hearts must leap with gratitude to see - Their offspring all so nicely clothed in that smart livery! - The girls all clad in worsted gowns, mob caps, and aprons white, - Like Lilliputian grandmothers,—a venerable sight: - The boys in pretty blanket coats of green or brick-dust red, - With tawny leather breeches, and a thrum cap on their head; - And then that splendid pewter badge, worth all the rest beside; - No medal worn by hero could inspire more honest pride. - While to the neighbours they're a mark of pleasant observation, - How must their happy mothers bless a parish education! - It is so very handy too, when in a crowd they're brawling, - To pick them out so easily, and save a world of bawling. - - Oh! merry day of jubilee to every little sinner, - When ev'ry one receives a bun and goes without a dinner. - Ah, happy England! thou'rt indeed a charitable nation, - Thy charities thou dost without the slightest ostentation; - How proud it makes a Briton feel to view this glorious sight, - Tho' some there are too dull to share the exquisite delight. - I heard a surly cynic once thus vent his angry spleen, - As he with jaundic'd eye beheld the animated scene:— - "If this be Christian Charity, who loves abroad to roam, - "I wish, instead of coming here, that she had stay'd at home. - "I'm sure she has no feeling for those wretched little dears, - "Or she'd not make them into jam all in that place of _tiers_. - "Whate'er Sir Robert Peel may say, or Tory folks may shout, - "I'm sure the 'pressure' from within is worse than that 'without.' - "But little girls may swoon away, and little boys may bawl, - "None, in this age of intellect, now care for a _child's call_. - "The cannibals, who eat up folks, have always made a point - "To kill their two legg'd animals before they dress'd a joint; - "But Christian anthropophagites possess a nicer goût, - "And cook their flesh alive whene'er they make a human stew." - Thus did he snarl and grumble at this glorious institution; - Some enemy he must have been to Britain's constitution, - For he who'd seek to work a change by pleading for humanity, - Must either be disloyal or the victim of insanity. - -[Illustration: - - JUNE.—"The Queen's Own." -] - - - PROCLAMATION DAY. - - Hip! hip! hurrah! - What a glorious day! - They're proclaiming the Queen— - Magnificent scene! - Look—there sits the Mayor! - That's his worship, I'll swear. - The bells are clanging; - The cannons are banging; - The big drums are playing; - The trumpets are braying; - The cymbals are ringing; - The people are singing, - "Victoria victorious, - Happy and glorious. - Long-to-reign-orious." - The Guards are advancing, - Kicking and prancing. - First the videttes - On their chargers—such pets! - Then comes the horse-doctor, - As grave as a proctor: - Then four pioneers, - With their axes—such dears! - And as sharp, ay, as needles. - And then come the beadles - (Messieurs Tomkins and Startin) - Of St. James and St. Martin. - After them the Guards' band, - So fierce and so grand. - The Marshals march next, - With their tits much perplex'd. - Then the Sergeants-at-Arms, - Looking full of alarms; - And the Heralds, whose dresses - Get in terrible messes. - Her Majesty's Garter - Comes figuring _arter_, - With his splendid gold tabard, - And sword in his scabbard; - And behind him is sergeants, - Who to-day think they _are_ gents. - While the Horse-guards appear - To bring up the rear. - But let's change the scene a bit; - And look at the Queen a bit, - Giving audience to all, - Great, middling, and small. - Among the paraders - Are the royalty traders: - Her Majesty's hatter, - Gunsmith, and cravatter, - Royal builders of britchkas, - Brutus wigs, and false whiskers. - The Queen's top-boot maker, - And her "own undertaker," - Who says, with much fervour, - He'll be "happy to serve her." - Then at night, what a sight, - When the lamps are a-light, - Green, red, blue, and white; - And transparencies bright - Shine from attic to floor— - There's a thousand or more. - In every street - Blazing lions you meet; - And, in letters of flame, - VICTORIA'S dear name. - But see! there's a row - In the Poultry, I vow! - The windows are smashing, - The shutters go dash in: - The mob's in a rage - With poor Mister Page; - Whose luminous star, - With a "W. R." - Has excited their wonder, - And raised all this thunder. - See! Page now, in tears, - At the window appears; - And, with uplifted hands, - Their pleasure demands. - "Shame! radical! traitor! - Wretch! spy! agitator!" - Are the sounds that arise: - And at last some one cries, - "What means 'W. R.' - A-top of your star?" - "Lawk! is that all?" cries Page, - Almost bursting with rage, - "Why, confound your necks! - It's 'WICTORIA REX!'" - -[Illustration: - - JULY.—Flying Showers. -] - - JULY [1838 - - - RAIL-ROAD TRAVELLING. - - I vow I'll go, and it shall be so, and I've said it, Mister Snip,— - This very day, come what come may, I'll have my railway trip. - There's Mistress King has been to Tring, and thinks herself so knowing— - I'm tired of waiting your debating, and it's time that we were going. - -Well, Duck, though I never did dabble in foreign parts,—Law, Ma! how I -shall squeal when the engine starts.——For shame, child! as to fear it's -nothing but a notion;—I declare I always feel the better for a little -motion.——Pray, mister, do you call this a first-class carriage because -it goes double fast?—No, ma'am, it's because we puts it behind, to be -blow'd up last.——See, they're pulling us along with a rope! very odd, -upon my word.—Vy, you carnt expect the hingins to go on their own -ac-cord.——But just look round at Hampstead and Highgate, while they -slacken their pace,—And see, they hook on the loco-motive! What's that, -Pa? A thing they've a motive for hooking on at this place.——Here's Chalk -Farm, where some run down a hill, and some run up a score!—And there's -the famous tunnel! It looks like a bit of a bore.——Oh, dear! Oh, dear! -how dreadful dark! I think I'm going to die,—And I'm so hot I can't say -my prayers! but here's the light of the sky.——See what a hole in my -parasole, burnt by a red-hot spark!—I only wish I knew who it was that -was kissing me in the dark.——Sare! I vonder, Sare! ven dey vill put on -de horses to draw!—Oh! horses don't draw here; they're all _hors -d'emploi_.——But how the hedges run past, and the trees and the bridges, -and the posts, and the cattle, and the people!—This is just like -ploughing the air! Yes, and there goes Harrow Steeple.——On, on we spin, -with a clack and a din, like a mighty courser snorting, blowing.—Well, -how do you like the railroad now? Oh! I think it's the wonderful'st -thing that's going.——Ladies, here's Watford; we can stop if you've had -enough of your ride.—But perhaps you'd rather go on; there's a long -tunnel on the other side.——Oh! I'm so frighted at the thought I can -scarcely speak!—Gracious! I'm so delighted! I hope we shall stay in for -a week.——Well, if that's the case, as you came out for a little -pleasure, I shall leave you at the tunnel, and you can go through at -your leisure. - -20 Professor Playfair d. 1819. - -[Illustration] - - Thimble-rig Jubilee. - -28 Infernal Machine in France, 1835. - -[Illustration] - - Ditto ditto in England ☞ - - - THAT MISTER NUBIBUS. - -Reader, _my_ name's Nubibus. I am "that Romeo." My ruling passion is a -taste for the rurals. My love of green fields may be almost termed a -green sickness. You may talk of your ottomans and your fauteuils, _I_ -never sit so easy as in a rustic chair. But, unhappily, my pleasure is -not without a damper. The rain is my most mortal foe: my skies are -always cloudy: my trees are continually on the drip: my Pan is always a -Watering Pan. At the moment of my birth, even, it was observed that the -watchman was going his rounds and crying, "Past four o'clock, and a -rainy morning:" and many of my best friends think it likely that my last -days will be accompanied by a drop. - -Last Friday was a notable instance of my unluck. The morning was most -beautiful—sun shining, birds singing, weather-glass down at _Stormy_, -and Moore's Almanack at _Heavy Rain_—everything, in short, promised a -fine day; and I immediately dressed myself in my most summery attire, -and set off to join Mrs. Timon Duggins's pic-nic party to Battersea -Fields. I found all the company already assembled in her little parlour, -in Greek Street, Soho, and I could hear them greet my arrival with, "Oh! -here's _that_ Mr. Nubibus! we're sure to have rain if he comes." -However, I took no notice of their impertinences, but calmly brushed the -dust off my gossamer pumps, to show that I had no fear on my own -account: tho', sooth to say, I had taken care not to come without my old -friend, my walking-stick umbrella. Well, off we set, took boat at -Hungerford Stairs, and reached our place of destination without -misadventure. Miss Arabella Dix was the first lady to land, which she -did by stepping into a squashy place among the rushes, from which she -came out with an abundant supply of mud and water, and not without an -angry look at me, as much as to say, "Ay, it's all thro' _that_ Mr. -Nubibus!" But this was not the worst. Gallantry forbade that Miss -Arabella should remain in her unfortunate dampness while there were so -many dry gentlemen in company: and, as it unluckily turned out that mine -was the only small foot of the party, I was obliged to give up my dry -pumps to Miss Arabella; tho' I own it went to my very _sole_ to do so. - -"Oh! how I _do_ love the country!" exclaimed Miss Arabella, as soon as -she had established herself in my dry shoes; "the sky, the water, the -trees, how delightful!" I felt as if I could have hugged her. My taste -to a T. - -"And there! there's a spectacle! that lovely _rainbow_!" I felt as if I -could have committed homicide upon the provoking creature, and clenched -my walking-stick umbrella with the force of a maniac. On came the -rainbow; clap went the thunder; down poured the rain—cats and dogs, -puppies and _kitlings_. All eyes were turned upon me reproachfully. Up -went umbrellas and parasols; out came cloaks and Mackintoshes. An air of -triumph seemed to pervade the company as they remarked that there were -no means of shelter left for me. I let them enjoy their triumph for a -while, and then I quietly unscrewed the top of my walking-stick -umbrella. My walking-stick umbrella, did I say? Alas! I had brought my -bamboo telescope instead. - -Young Ariel Hicks, a young gentleman of fifteen years of age, and as -many stones weight, now offered me a share of his parapluie; but, as -Hicks was only four feet two inches in height, and I stood five feet ten -in my shoes (or rather, in Miss Arabella's), I was soon tired of doing -penance in the form of a letter S, and boldly declared my utter contempt -for all kinds of showers, and thunder-showers in particular. What made -our situation still more provoking, was the presence of an opposition -pic-nic party in the adjoining field, cosily enjoying themselves under a -waterproof tent, from the entrance of which a grinning face would every -now and then peep out, evidently in high glee at our miserable -appearance. The weather getting clear, it was proposed to have a ramble -among the green trees: but the Dryads and Hamadryads turning out to be -anything but what their name imported, we were glad to escape from their -dripping bowers with all possible speed. Hungry as wolves, and shivering -with cold, we now addressed ourselves to Mrs. Timon Duggins, who had -undertaken to be purveyor to the whole party. Mrs. Timon Duggins was as -hungry as we. But where was "Mr. Gunterses young man?—Mr. Gunterses -young man, that she (Mrs. D.) had ordered to be on the ground punctually -at two o'clock?" Echo, and several of the young ladies and gentlemen -answered "Where?" But still Mr. Gunter's young man appeared not. At last -Mrs. Timon Duggins, employing one end of her spectacles as an eye-glass, -exclaimed, "Why, there he is!" and there, sure enough, we saw him, -standing with his baskets on his arm, watching the departure of the -rival party, who were merrily sailing down the river to the tune of the -Canadian Boat Song, sung by the whole strength of the company. The young -jackal was soon summoned, and bid to spread the repast: but what was our -horror on learning that he had mistaken the rival party for ours, and -suffered them to eat up all our provisions. Half dead with cold and -hunger, we turned the baskets inside out: but nothing was left except a -few ices and a bottle or two of ginger-beer! - -By great good fortune one of the Twickenham steamers was just then going -by, and as Ariel Hicks, who was an amateur sailor, had some acquaintance -with the skipper, he succeeded in procuring us some prog from the -vessel. We had scarcely got our knives and forks well fixed in it, -however, when the rain again began to fall in torrents, and we were glad -to get away to our boats and Mackintoshes. Our voyage home was not less -disastrous. The boat had been filled to about ankle deep by the late -heavy rains, and we were obliged to sit all the way with our feet held -up above high-water mark—except those who thought proper to put them in -the wet _by way of relief_. - -The next morning there was but one answer to all inquiries—"Our -compliments, and we're very ill in bed of colds and rheumatisms; and -it's all owing to _that_ Mister Nubibus." - - AUGUST [1838 - - - CHEAP BATHING - -[Sidenote: Now the Dog Days have begun, ten times hotter is the Sun. If, - in walking Regent Street, crowds of puppies you should meet, - do not kick the harm- less things, but recollect what - Shakspeare sings, recollect the ancient say, every dog shall - have his day.] - - I scorn the rules of Fashion's fools, their scoffings and their sneers, - To the ocean spray I haste away from people and from piers. - I love to ride in the flowing tide 'mid the summer's gentle gales, - And to seem the monarch of the sea, or at least the Prince of Whales. - Like porpoise brave, in the briny wave, I flounder and I flirt, - And now I stand upon the land—Oh, murder! where's my shirt? - Yes, there it goes, and all my clothes—stay, sacrilegious wretches! - Take coat and hat, and black cravat, but give me back my breeches! - This is the spite of Mistress White—the foulest in the Nation— - Because I scouted her machine; it is her machination. - But, hark! I hear, there's some one near—in vain I hope to hide; - They'll say I'm not a tidy man, for going in the tide. - Oh! dire disgrace! I'll screen my face behind this fisher's basket, - And those who do not know my name, I hope wont stop to ask it! - -16 Andrew Marvel d. 1678. No wonder. - - Joe Miller d. 1738. No joke. - -18 Rebel Lords beheaded, 1746. - - Treason doth never prosper—what's the reason? - Why, when it prospers, none dare call it treason. - -22 Gall d. 1828. - - Never suffer a phrenologist to pass judgment on your head, or, - ten to one, you may hear something unpleasant. - -[Illustration: - - No occasion to move. -] - -[Illustration: - - A move on occasion. -] - - Pray, Ma'am, can you move ever such a little scrinch? Indeed, Marm, -its quite unpossable for me to stir an inch.—Well, if I'd stay'd at -Dorking I should have sat more at my ease, but I thought it best to -leave such a nest, for we're all swarming alive with fleas.—Then I'll -take my leave, Marm, to shift a little further from where you are -sittin', for though I don't like to be crushed, I don't choose to be -bitten. - -[Illustration: - - AUGUST.—"Sic Omnes." -] - - - PLEASURING. - - _Miss Henrietta Julia Wiggins, on her Travels, to Miss Adelaide - Theresa Ditto, in Bucklersbury. With a short Postscript from - Mamma, and another from Papa._ - -"_Ma chère Sœur_—According to promise, I now send you the journal of my -tour; but, _hélas!_ if you expect it has been a happy one, you _trompez_ -yourself most sadly. _Mon dieu!_ the sufferings we have undergone! _Mais -voilà_ the journal. - -"MONDAY, SEPT. 1.—Embarked on board the "Emerald" steamer at London -Bridge for Boulogne, at one o'clock in the morning, after having passed -a miserable night in packing up, and trying to go to sleep in easy -chairs. Pa complaining of symptoms of lumbago.—All the berths taken, -mostly by gentlemen—or rather, by monsters in the form of gentlemen. -_Mon dieu!_ what brutes the English men are! to suffer us poor helpless -_femelles_ to pass the night on deck, while they are snoring away -comfortably in the cabins! Ma's blue silk pelisse was soon put _hors de -combat_ by the nasty tar and stuff, and my new French-white bonnet was -turned into a regular London smoke in ten minutes by the horrid -chimney.—Ma has made the acquaintance of a very nice _Dame Française_, -who speaks pretty good English, and abounds in anecdotes about _la -grande nation_. Also, has kindly taken charge of one of Ma's _sacs de -nuit_; as she says the French _douaniers_ won't allow people to land -more than one carpet-bag a-piece, and Ma not choosing to leave her -valuables at the mercy of those _vilains bêtes_, the custom-house -officers. _Moi aussi, j'ai fait connaissance_ with a charming fellow, -the _Marquís de Mandeville_, a young _militaire_, in black moustaches -and a green foraging cap.—Marquis beginning to make himself very -agreeable; in fact, becoming quite _amoureux_, when both taken suddenly -ill, and obliged to part. Ah! Adelaide dear! it's a sad change, from -love-sick to sea-sick! French lady very kind, and asked me if I had the -_mal de mere_—thought she meant "my mother's complaint," which you know -is rheumatism in the hips—answered accordingly, and got horribly laughed -at by a lot of rude fellows in make-believe sailors' jackets.—Ma next -attacked—Pa next—_tout le monde_ soon in the same plight. Sensation -dreadful—headache worse and worse—Ma wanted to be set down at Dover, but -Captain wouldn't hear of it. French lady very attentive—_would_ fetch -tumblers of brandy and water for Pa and Ma and me—couldn't drink a drop— -_she_ did, and wasn't sick at all. Obliged to stop my journal—so very -ill. - -"TUESDAY, _Boulogne_—Landed here half dead, having lost the tide, and -obliged to pass another night at sea. All very ill. Pa's lumbago -confirmed, and Ma's rheumatism _très mal_.—Unable to go to Paris; and -our places having been paid for all the way, obliged to forfeit the -money; Pa very cross, Ma very uncomfortable. 5 O'CLOCK, P.M.—Pa has just -been in to say that the French lady refuses to give up Ma's _sac de -nuit_, containing all her valuables; and that, as it was landed in her -name, there's no remedy.—A call from Marquis—advises us not to make a -rumpus about it, for fear of being taken up as smugglers. His lordship's -valet not being yet arrived, under the unpleasant necessity of borrowing -five pounds of Pa. Pa very suspicious, until Marquis showed us his -passport, where they have taken him two black eyes, a nose _aquilin_, -black _cheveux_, and five feet three inches of _taille_. Only think, -Adelaide dear! what a picture of a lover! - -"WEDNESDAY.—Passed a dreadful night, not having been able to sleep a -wink for the _punaises_. Ma bit all over, and her face as big as two. -_Moi aussi_, my eyes completely swelled up, all but one little corner, -just enough to see what a fright I am in the looking-glass. Unable to -get any assistance from the people at the inn, our _manuel du voyageur_ -not containing any dialogue between a chambermaid and a lady bitten by -bugs; and Pauline, Ma's maid, that she hired by advertisement, having -left us the moment we landed, her only motive in engaging herself at all -being to get her passage paid back to her native country.—Can't get -anything that we can eat at the inn, and reduced to sea biscuits and -water. I have again tried to make our wants known to the _fille de -chambre_, but without success, they _do_ speak such very bad French in -the provinces—quite a _patois_, in fact. Hope we shall do better in -Paris.—Marquis called, and recommended Pa to hire a _valet de place_. -Kindly undertook to provide him one, who speaks French and English, and -understands the horrible _patois_ of the Boulognese. This will take a -good deal off my hands, who am obliged to be _interpreteur_ to the whole -party.—_Alexis_, the new _valet de place_, arrives.—Got something -eatable at last, and are to start for Paris _demain matin_. - -"THURSDAY.—Up at five. _Déjeûner_, and start for Paris at seven—Marquis -in same _diligence_. Weather dreadfully hot. Rival diligence got the -start, and _will_ keep before us all day, the French laws not allowing -one coach to pass another. Dust dreadful—and worse for us than any of -the rest, as we had taken our seats in front of the _voiture_, for the -sake of seeing the country—and, after all, no country to see. Proposed -to some _gentilhommes_ inside to change places with Ma and me; but met -with a flat refusal. Begin to think French gentlemen are not much more -_poli_ than English ones.—Dined at Abbeville, and arrived at Amiens late -at night, very tired and ill. - -"FRIDAY.—Up at five, after a sleepless night. Started at seven. Heat -_comme hier_—dust _ditto_: _two_ diligences before us.—Dined, or rather -_table d'hôte'd_ (which is a very different thing) at Clermont. Didn't -eat an ounce all three of us, but obliged to pay five francs a-piece for -our dinners—and, as we had no francs left, the people kindly consented -to take English shillings instead.—Ma and I quite ill, from heat, and -dust, and fasting, and one thing or another; and Pa's lumbago much worse -since the heavy thunderstorm which soaked thro' his waterproof hat, and -ran off his Mackintosh into his shoes, till they were all of a squash.— -Seeing our distress, three French gentlemen inside kindly consented to -relinquish their seats in our favour, an offer which we gladly accepted. -The French are really polite, _après tout!_—10 O'CLOCK, _à la nuit!_— -Arrived in Paris at the _Hotel de Lyon_, the Marquis very politely -handing us out, and seeing us to our room.—Rather annoyed by Pa's coming -in and kicking up a rumpus about the gentlemen who had taken our paid -places on the _première banquette_, and who had left him to pay for the -three insides all the way from Boulogne.—Marquis very _aimable_, and -gave us all a pressing invitation to pay him a visit at his _château_ in -_La Vendée_. - -"SATURDAY.—The Marquis to breakfast.—With his Lordship to the _Jardin -des Plantes_, where we had no sooner arrived among the lions and tigers -than it began to rain cats and dogs. The noble Marquis very kind in -holding the umbrella over him and me, and sending Pa to call a coach at -the neighbouring coach-stand. Pa _très long-tems_ away—at last saw him -coming along in the custody of two _gend'armes_, covered with mud and -dirt, and bleeding profusely. Learned that poor Pa, instead of calling -'_cocher_,' as he ought to have done, had called the man '_cochon_,' -which, you know, means 'pig;' at which the coachman at first laughed; -but Pa persisting in calling him '_cochon_,' he at last got down in a -rage, and attacked Pa most furiously. I am sorry to say, poor Pa got -_terriblement maltraité_. Ma has been in fits ever since, and Pa won't -be able to go out for weeks. _Pour moi_, I am as ill as any one can be— -nothing but the Marquis's kindness keeps me alive...." - -"P.S.—SUNDAY.—My dearest child! Your unhappy mother sends you this. Your -deluded sister disappeared last night with the Marquis de Mandevil, -leaving this unfinished letter on her table, and your Pa and me both -heart-broken. I am too ill to write any more. - - Your miserable mother, - BERTHA WIGGINS." - -"P.S.—MONDAY.—Dear daughter! Your distressed father sends you this. Your -unhappy mother eloped last night with that villain _Alexis_—and all the -luggage. I have discovered that he and the Marquis are a couple of -sharpers. A pretty week we have made of it! - - Your wretched father, - BARTHOLOMEW WIGGINS." - - - COUNTRY COMMISSIONS. - - "Mr. Hume moved for a list of all Commissions issued between the 1st - of April, 1833, and the 1st of April, 1837, and of the expenses - incurred thereon." - - _Parliamentary Register._ - - Twenty times have I taken my pen, - And began my dear Julia's name, - Twenty times have I dropped it again, - For I'm burning all over with shame. - - How lucky I am to possess - A kind friend to rely on, like you! - And—'tis shocking—I'm bound to confess - That my billets are all billets-_do_. - - But to come to the point, dearest dear,— - Your affection will pardon it all— - You must know, the long thread of our year - Is wound up by an annual ball. - - Only think! in this dismal abode - To have nothing that's stylish or new! - We are centuries out of the mode, - Though we live in _a manor_, 'tis true. - - And I want a few trifles in haste; - 'Tis too bad—for you've plenty to do— - But I know you've such excellent taste, - And I'll leave it entirely to you. - - So get me, from Waterloo Place, - (What you pay I shall never regard) - Twenty yards of the best Brussels lace, - At exactly two guineas a yard. - - From Harding's twelve yards of French satin, - That beautiful pearly-white hue— - 'Tis a matter, I know, that you're pat in, - So I'll leave it entirely to you. - - Of course, there can be no objection - To make it a bargain quite plain, - That if it don't suit my complexion - You'll trouble them with it again. - - Five bouquets of roses from Foster's, - And a circlet of white Maraboût— - (I consider all others' impostors, - But I leave that entirely to you.) - - _Un oiseau paradis_ may be sent - To surmount a _chapeau paille de riz_ - For mamma—for she's never content— - How different, dear Julia, from me! - - There is but one man in the town, - Who can make me a white satin shoe; - Do find him, and send me some down, - So I'll leave it entirely to you. - - Oh! a scarf I shall want, by-the-bye, - Of that very particular hue - Which belongs to "the Seraph's blue eye," - (In dear Moore,) so I leave it to you. - - And now I'm equipped for my jig, - I'll finish my begging petition— - (Pa says I'm as bad as a Whig; - Such a dab to get up a commission.) - - But I'll thank you to buy, for Miss Green - A nice little stone and a muller; - And just paper enough for a screen— - Every sheet of a different colour. - - Here's a note for Miss White at the Tower; - You must take it some day before two, - For she always goes out at that hour, - So I leave it entirely to you. - - If it's all in your way coming back, - Just call at the Grove, Kentish Town, - And look in at the school of young Black— - His mamma wants to know if he's grown. - - And next summer, when Pa comes to town, - He shall pay you whatever is due, - If you'll send the particulars down; - But I'll leave that entirely to you. - -[Illustration: - - SEPTEMBER.—Michaelmas Gander. -] - - 1830.] SEPTEMBER. - -[Illustration] - - 1 St. Giles. The faithful Scroggins lifted to the skies, - A _consternation_ in his Molly's eyes. - -6. Stratford Jubilee, 1769. - - "Mother! mother! take in the clothes: here be the players a-coming!" - - - THE HARVEST SUPPER. - - The latest load from the field is come, - "Hip! Hip! Hip! for the Harvest Home!" - The guests they throng to the feast in swarms, - More men than manners, more chairs than forms; - And 'twould puzzle a lawyer here to point, - And prove that the times are _out of joint_. - - I love fat _fowls_ in a bill of _fare_, - Yet this for ever I will declare, - That the dish, however it may be scorned, - For a harvest supper is beef that's corned. - - I love a dame of the good old sort, - The piano not her only forte, - Her sons, who something know beside - To break a pointer, drink, and ride; - And daughters, who return from school, - To feed the pullets, not dance _la poule_. - - There are some that gather, who do not grow, - And some that reap, who are but _sow-sow_, - But the honest farmer, blunt and plain, - Who has never learned to drink champagne - (Like some, or else I'm much mistaken, - Who pinch the poor to save their bacon), - May plenty crown his peaceful dome, - And "Hip! Hip! Hip! for his Harvest Home." - -15 Newspaper Stamp Duty reduced, 1836. - - Chancellor of the Exchequer brought to his last penny. - -29 Michaelmas Day. De _Goostibus_ non est disputandum. - - - ÀPROPOS OF THE GOOSE. - - "Dear Uncle, accept our best thanks - For your very nice Michaelmas treat; - Such a beautiful bird I ne'er saw,— - So tender! so young! and so sweet! - My wife and myself both declare, - Since we tied the hymeneal noose, - We never before clapp'd our eyes - On so fine—so delicious a goose! - - "The brats are all well. Little Sam - Is a Solomon quite for his age: - Such a mimic! We've serious thoughts - Of bringing him up to the stage. - He already takes off you and aunt, - Her way of exclaiming "The dooce!" - He can imitate cocks, hens, and ducks, - _Àpropos_, many thanks for the goose. - - "Our eldest we've christened at last, - After you and my uncles at York,— - John James Paul Ralph George Job Giles Mark: - And Eliza's beginning to talk. - Little Arthur has lost a front tooth, - And another is getting quite loose: - They both want to know when you'll come; - And thank you, dear Sir, for the goose. - - "Little Hal's as like _you_ as two peas,— - So lively, so smart, and so jaunty! - And dear little Emily Ann - Is grown quite the moral of aunty. - Selina's translating in French - The voyage of Mister Pérouse; - And Amelia has knit you a purse; - And thank you, dear Sir, for the goose. - - "Little Ellen's begun to _sol-fa_, - And her master, the Chevalier Bäûll, - Declares that he never yet heard - Child sing so exceedingly small. - Little Tom's quite a sportsman become; - He has caught a young hare in a noose, - And sends you the skin to have stuff'd: - And thank you, dear Sir, for the goose. - - "Your godson's beginning to draw,— - You remember the rogue—little Mike? - He has chalk'd you and aunt on the wall; - And really they're laughably like. - Such spirits I never yet saw; - He's just like a tiger let loose: - And Sue means to work you a screen, - And thank you, dear Sir, for the goose. - - "Your museum, I hope, goes on well: - But, Uncle, take care of your eyes; - And pray don't, with microscopes, look - So much at those very small flies. - I send you the horn of a deer, - (I believe it's a species of moose,) - And the quill of a real black swan; - And thank you, dear Sir, for the goose. - - "I hope you ride out ev'ry day; - It's the first thing on earth for the health, - Without which, as I've oft heard you say, - What's honours, and station, and wealth? - But, dear Uncle, pray never more mount, - That wild thing you bought of Lord Roos: - But you are so exceedingly bold! - Did I thank you before for the goose? - - "_P.S._—Could you lend me ten pounds - Till Christmas? My lease is just out, - And I've no one to fly to but you: - Dear Sir—By-the-bye, how's your gout?— - The int'rest of course I shall pay, - Five per cent.—Is your cough getting loose?— - You can send it per post—and, dear Nunks, - Many thanks for that duck of a goose." - - OCTOBER. [1838 - -[Illustration: - - Messuages delivered. -] - -1 London Parcels Delivery Comp. estab. 1837. - - - TRIUMPH OF TEE-TOTALISM. - - DERE FRIND, - -I rite to inform you our caws is quite the top of the tree in these -parts, nerely all the publicks is ruined and shut up quite private, the -checkers is xchecker'd—the baileaves is in at the rosemary bush—and -there's not a sole to shak ands at the Salitation—nothing but whimpering -at the whine waultz, instead of dancing and tostication so the wendors -of spirits is quite dispirited and at the hintermedihate nobody wont go -to be drunk on the premises. Our parson hoo nose the sin of spiritual -lickers as inroled isself and some of the jentry as hates gin as jined -us, the sqwire too sais he will sine and sail with us as long as he -dosnt go out of site of port. We holds quite a strong meeting weakly but -drinks nothing but Tee total and as abolisht XX intire and marches quite -connubial together round the pump to the tune of Andle's water music but -we as now less occasion for the spout and shall soon dew altogether -without my unkle which is a relashun you will be glad to hear for as we -have left off our cups we have less need of the balls, but I am sorey to -sea all our happytites is sadly hincreased witch is wery detrimental and -hilconvenent at this critearyon of the ear. We was extorted last weakly -meeting by a new member a norrid drunkerd but now quite a reform -carrikter sins his money was all gone and nobody wont trust him. His -discoors was quite headyfying for he is a tailer and goos about in the -good cawse since he left off gozzling. Before he jined us he was alwise -stupid drunk and beatin his wif and now he never gives his mind to -licker. Just at the beginning he was quite affecting and could not get -on without a go of brandy which we thought very rum. He as given up his -trade witch was his sole dependanse sinse he lost all his plaices and -know dout he will be trew to us til somthink else befalse. Dere frind -thease is the first Hoctober as we as passed without a brewin witch it -looks rayther brown but hope to bear it—and we are getting quite -hammerous of our tease witch at first was very tormenting but now the -slow leaves goes off as fast as gunpowder and them, has as gardings -makes the how-queer mixter, but I am afeard I'm a bit of a bore as the -learned pig sed and so conclood - - Dere frind affeckshionately - - TOBIAS PUMPSWILL. - -[Illustration] - - 25 St. Crispin's Day. - - "Wanted, a Closer." - -[Illustration: - - OCTOBER.—Battle of A gin·court. (Petty France) -] - - - JOE COSE IN LONDON TO PHŒBE BUTTERCUP IN - THE COUNTRY. - -"O deer Feby sich a plase lunnun is yew Havent got a singl hidear i only -wish yew was Hear yew wood sune hav al the tethe Stole out off yewr hed -ass for sites Bles yewr week ize i hav sea evry think & havent had no -time for Nothink only luvving yew & Sory yew rote them 4 ubbrading -ninepeny leters wich rely doant Bleav as yewr Makeing me a pressant of -the Kichin sithers at parting has Bean abl to Cut our luv in 2 O deerist -Feby the sithers must be verry Sharp grun indede ass cood Severe sich -luv ass ourn i hav bean to the Tip top of St palls & Drunk my share off -2 botls off wisky inside the bal wich is quite a rume But must confes i -nevver was in sich a Bal rume in al my life the vew is rely Wunderfull -nevver sea so much smoak togethar in al my Days allso hav bean to sea -the lions in the towr wich their is no sich thing to be Seen & the same -of the brittish mewseam wear i was Told i shood sea al sorts of Live -creturs but turnt out nothink but Stuff allso hav Bean to doory lane & -Comon Gardn & my i Feby sich hacting & singing Fillips partickler tawk -of Garick i am sur he is ass Depe as Garick & mister Brayam sings Deper -& deper stil allso hav Bean lukky anuff to sa the yung quean wich deer -Feby she is no moor Like a quean then yew ar namely insted of a crown on -her hed ass she orts to hav her Rial hiniss had nothink but a comon -Bonit & insted of a septer in her and nothink but a Grene silk parrysawl -only Think Feby of ruleing a nashun like Grate briton with a grene silk -parrysawl allso hav ad a intervew with the duk of Welinton wich insted -off Bean the Grate ero they giv him out to be is quite a Litel chap & -deerest Feby cood Lik him my self & stand of 1 leg then theirs the parks -ide Park St jamess & Regency park lately Threw open to the publik wich -is a grate advarntige in regard of meting nuss mades wich ide Park & -kensinton gardns was rely geting so Low did i tel yew befour of the stem -pakits on the rivver they ar al as one as stage coches namely going upon -weels & Carying inside & out pasingers only insted of osses is Drawd -alung by nothink but Chimblys to be Short with yew i hav sea allmost -evrythink But not yet ad the plessure off Bean pressant at a Dredfull -fire tho they was 6 ouzes Burnt only a strete of last tewsdy nite & a -hold gentel man Jumt out off a 2 pare off stares windy on to a Pattant -air fetherbed only unfortynat the made forgot to Blo it up in the mornin -and consiquensialy the hold gemman insted off Braking his fal only Broke -2 off his ribs i was lukky anuff to sea a yung wumman Drownded in the -sirpintine wich she wood hav Savd her life if it hadent Bean for 1 off -the umain sasietys men Geting intangld in her petty cotes & keping her -hed too lung under Warter allso sea a hold wumman nokt Down by a noo -polease & 3 men kild by Safety cabs to say nothink off hacksidents by -homini-bus wich is no wunder seaing the number they Cary wich yew no -Siting down 13 is unlukkines itself allso Bean pressant at a Dredfull -drunken row in a coart in pety france wich master and me Geting into the -Coart end we was quite jamd in & in Devvaring to cut our Lukky receevd -sevral Unlukky blos but at last the noo polease Arivd & evry Sole tuk to -his Eels & as master laffably sed insted off the Batl of a Gin court -turnt out the Batl of Runnymede but deerest Feby doant Bleav in the midl -off al this plessuring nayther master nor me is appy in lunnun i asure -yew we ar quite Contrayry & artily Repent as evver we Consentid to becum -parliment men for West stafordsheer wich befour we was hindipendant -members we cood Do ass we likt But now just Revers & ar quite tide by -our 4 legs master as Bean admitd at crokfuds a notoryus hel but poor -feller he finds hisself quite out off his Hellyment & indede boath him & -me is quite at a Los without our old friends the Cows & shepe & yew & -missis & al the rest off the beests ass we hav Bean ust to al our lives -& master is grew quite thin in consequents & Bleav me Feby tho i doant -Take in my waste cotes so menny oles i mis yew quite ass much ass master -missis missis we spend al our Spar time in Smith feeld wich is the only -rele plessure we hav Smith feeld is just the same ass 1 of our own -feelds in West stafordsheer only no gras nor no eges nor no riks of hay -nor no Stiles to sit a coartin on But ful of orses & cows & carves & -pigs & shepe & other Beestly sites O them deer pigs ow Glad i was to ear -there wel none vices it quite put me in mind of yew & deer Butermilk -villige & i rely cood have Stade a earin them squele al day Lung wich -deerest Feby doant Bleav wat i say about the pigs is al Gammon we hav -got a Bewtifull ous in pel mel & the yung ladys ar verry Gay mis Jewlia -is verry fond off Sowlogical gardning & gos evry day to Studdy the -hannimils at the regency Park allso mis Jawgeny rides out evry mornin on -her pony with James the noo sirvent beind on 1 off the hold coch orses -wich as Bean clipt & his tale Cut thurrow bred for the okasion the -sirvents is al very wel & my duty to yewr farther & ow is yewr sister -Suzn & poor litl nock need Nely & abuv al deerest luv Ows yewr muther -Respecktiv cumps to al yewr old felow sirvents & Pleas exept yewrself -deerest Feby - - from yewr adorabl - JOE COSE. - -P. S. O Feby Feby wear al in a huprore sins Riting my abuv we hav found -out mis Jewlia only went Sowlogical gardning for a xcuse to mete her -luvver & is boath loped away gudnes or rather Badnes nose wear Allso the -same of mis Jawgeny & James the noo sirvent ass i told yew off but Bles -yewr art was no sich thing but only a luvver in disgize & wen we al -thort him a Real lakky turnt out nothink but a Vally de Sham. - - NOVEMBER [1838 - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - THE PRAISE OF PUNCH. - - I love thee, PUNCH! with all thy faults and failings, - Spite of the strait-laced folks and all their railings; - I love thee in thy state _etherial_, - Thou grateful compound of strange contradictions! - Filling the brain with Fancy's vivid fictions: - Thou castle-building wight! - Urging Imagination's airy flight; - Chasing blue devils from their dismal revels; - Spurning this sombre world of selfish sadness, - And changing sounds of woe to notes of gladness: - Call'd by whatever name, - Rum, Rack, or Toddy,—thou soul without a body! - Thy welcome is the same. - - I like-_wise_ love thee in thy state _material_, - Thou merry fellow, PUNCHINELLO! - Thou chip of an old block! - Thou wooden god of fun!—practical pun! - Thou hearty cock! - Thou dissipator of Policeman's vapours, - In whose grim face, - Ting'd with the blueishness of nothing-to-doishness, - We oft may trace - A grin as he beholds thee cut thy capers. - - "Pet of the Petticoats!" lov'd of Servant Maid, - So neat and staid; - Who, from the area steps, with furtive eyes, - Surveys thy antics in a mute surprise; - Belov'd of Errand Boy! who little cares - For weighty matters he unconscious bears, - If PUNCH in all his glory stops his way, - Tempting the varlet with a priceless play. - - Delight of young and old, of great and small! - Tho' of each grosser passion thou'rt the slave, - Albeit thou'rt rake and rogue, and thief and knave, - Of ev'ry grace and goodness quite bereft, - With not a virtue to redeem thee left; - Spite of thy faults, oh, PUNCH! we love thee all! - And hence thy Wooden Worship dost impart - A moral sound to every conscious heart: - Thou show'st us, PUNCH, that we're not over-nice - When wit and humour are allied to vice. - But as thy close acquaintance brings hard knocks - On wooden blocks,— - So, if we'd 'scape a world of awkward trouble, - Whene'er in real life we meet thy double - (And rogues of thews and sinews, flesh and blood, - Are not so harmless quite as those of wood), - Let us observe this rule,—this prudent plan— - _Enjoy the humour, but avoid the man_. - - - AN ADVENTURE OF A GUY. - - In days gone by, ere "George the Third was king," - Or men had heard the names of Burke or Swing, - Lived an old hunks in London's famous city, - Who had a niece, fair, buxom, wise, and witty. - And this fair maiden, being past fifteen, - Had got a lover—young Alonzo Green— - A youth of goodly parts and handsome mien. - But, as Alonzo was extremely poor, - Old hunks had in his face banged-to the door; - And ever after, that his niece might be - More safe, he kept her under lock and key. - But still they corresponded—thro' the means - Of an old woman who sold herbs and greens: - And thus the lovers planned to run away, - And get them married one Gunpowder Day. - Alonzo was to come disguised as Guy; - And while the mummers played their mummery, - A _real_ Guy was to be deftly placed - Within the chair, while he ran off in haste - To hide him till old hunks was fast asleep; - When thro' the garden window they could creep, - And, down a silken ladder gently gliding, - Soon find some happy bower for love to hide in. - - So said, so done (in those days men would vie - Who best should entertain the loyal Guy: - All else got mobbed as friends of popery): - The mummers were admitted, Guys exchanged, - And everything was done as pre-arranged. - - Now all is still: old hunks locks up the house: - Alonzo lies as quiet as a mouse: - When lo! he hears a step upon the floor— - And then, old hunks arrives—and locks the door. - - -[Illustration: - - The Gunpowder Plot or Guys in Council. -] - - The fact was this: a rival of our swain, - Who'd tried to win the niece's heart in vain, - Had bribed a mummer to reveal the plot, - Which thus to the old hunks's ears had got. - Now to the maiden's room the grey-beard flies, - And, deaf to all her prayers, and tears, and sighs, - Bids her prepare for instantaneous flight: - A coach will come for her that very night. - Even as he speaks, she hears the horrid wheels: - And down the stairs her hated guardian steals. - - Just then the _rival swain_ resolved to try - If he, in semblance of another Guy, - Cannot induce the maid with him to fly; - Hastes to her room, softly the window opes, - And then lets fall his ladder of silk ropes. - The maid deceived, his rashness gently chides, - Then down the silken ladder nimbly glides. - - Meanwhile, Alonzo, finding himself trapped, - Without a notion how the thing had happ'd, - Opens _his_ window, down _his_ ladder slips, - And straightway to his lady's casement trips. - What is his wonder when his rival's ropes - He sees! What are his joys, his fears, his hopes, - When at the window he discerns his bride, - And sees her down the ladder safely glide! - All this, of course, is on the garden side. - In front, old hunks has settled all his schemes: - Of hate, and vengeance now he only dreams. - Bursting with rage and spite, he mounts the stair, - And rushes to the chamber of the fair— - But only finds Alonzo's rival there, - Who, anxiously is thro' the casement bending, - Preparatory to his safe descending. - - "What do I see?" is now old hunks's cry, - "Gadso! what! that's you, is it, Master Guy? - There, brave Alonzo—there, my pretty fop!" - And thro' the window throws him neck and crop. - - Meantime, the lovers have a shelter found, - Where soon in Hymen's fetters they are bound. - And long they lived, as kind and fond a pair - As—wife and husband generally are. - - DECEMBER [1838. - - - HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS. - - TO SOLON SLY, ESQ. - - MY DEAR SIR, - -The approaching vacation devolves on me the pleasing duty of reporting -to you, by the hands of Master Timothy, the general progress of his -studies. In some respects his extraordinary precocity has even exceeded -my wishes. I have directed his reading principally to Biography, and his -ardour has led him to add to my selection the lives of Turpin and Moore -Carew, together with the instructive narratives of the Newgate Calendar. -His progress in penmanship has been so great, that he has not only -written all his own letters, but many for his school-fellows, to which -the versatility of his genius has led him to append their names so -accurately, as to enable him to obtain from their parents, with the help -of the post-boy, a considerable addition to his pocket-money. I have -cleared up a few of these little shades of character, which have been -brought to light, as you will perceive at the foot of my bill. In -Arithmetic, Subtraction has been his favourite rule, as all the drawers -in the house can testify. He has also worked some complicated sums in -Vulgar Fractions, and proved them, by the glazier's bill enclosed. His -skill in Division has also been displayed in his setting all the school -together by the ears. In Composition, his forte is romance and general -fiction; indeed his conversation is of so flowery a nature, as to have -been compared to a wreath of li-lies. At our races he greatly improved -his acquaintance with the Greeks—Late-in, of course, included—and my -servants picked him up at midnight, land-measuring, at length, on the -Turnpike road. He has progressed in Logic, though rather addicted to -strange premises, which may lead to serious conclusions. He has become -an accomplished natural philosopher—his pursuit of Ornithology has led -him to every hen-roost in the village, and all my eggs have been -constantly exhausted in his experiments on suction. During his inquiries -into the nature of animal heat, my favourite cat caught a severe cold, -from which she never recovered, through his turning her out without her -skin, on a frosty night. I have inserted a small item from my surgeon's -bill, for repairs of his companions' noses, damaged by his passion for -Conchology; and a charge, which I fear you will think heavy, for a -skylight, destroyed by Master Timothy's falling through, while crawling -along the parapet on a dark night, to seek some information at my -gardener's daughter's window—an extraordinary instance of the pursuit of -knowledge under difficulties. His decided turn for the belles lettres -has deprived me of two of my best maids; for I have been obliged to -discharge them on suspicion of irregularly participating in his studies, -contrary to the rules of my establishment. As I do not feel competent, -however, to do justice to the education of so talented a youth, I shall -not expect to see Master Timothy again after the holidays. - - I am, my dear Sir, - Your faithful Servant, - BARNABUS BOMBRUSH. - - _Birchfield Academy._ - -[Illustration] - -25 Apotheosis of Vauxhall Simpson, 1835. - - The glories of his leg and cane are past: - He made his bow and cut his stick at last. - -[Illustration: - - DECEMBER.—Christmas-eve. -] - - - THE QUEEN IN THE CITY. - - How provoking! such a choking, thick, and yellow fog - No Turk or Jew would venture to turn out a Christian dog. - 'Tis cruel hard, upon my word, with such a gloomy sky, - To quit my down for Queen or crown, it looks so winter-lye. - I'd rather keep me warm within, than go in all this rout, - For it's not my creed, except in need, to take to "cold without." - And I cannot see why this should be, nor the reason of it all, - It's quite a job to dine with Bob and Nabob in Guildhall. - —"Why, don't you see, her Majesty as yet is but a green one, - She's heard of city riots, but by chance has never seen one; - Tho' a king of the land once fear'd the Strand, and said it was full of - sinners, - And through Cheapside was afraid to ride, so they went without their - dinners. - But see the light is getting bright, and the streets are filled with - people, - And pennons gleam, in the morning beam, from turret and from steeple. - The sound that swells from St. Martin's bells would please O'Connell's - ear, - While the Union flag does gaily wag, they're all re-pealers there. - But now the crush becomes a rush, and the Black and Red Guards fright - beholders, - Here comes the Lancers, they're the prancers, and the Blues with their - broad swords over their shoulders. - And Temple Bar is the seat of war, and rags the ground bestrew, - Here's a Sunday hat, and a boy squeezed flat, a purse and a satin shoe. - Mister soldier! of course you'll make your horse take his foot from off - my toe. - I'm on duty, sir, and I dare not stir till I hear the trumpet blow.— - But we've paid our guineas, and we're not such ninnies as to stand in - all this riot,— - Here's a lady dead, for she hangs her head, and seems so very quiet. - Oh! what a jam, we can scarcely cram our heads within the door; - I fear you'll find, you must sit behind, since you did not come before. - Oh! that won't do—we've paid for two—myself, and here's my cousin; - I'm number twenty—here's room in plenty—why, your window wont hold a - dozen. - 'Tis a swindling cheat, but we lose the treat while haggling here we - stand, - And we'll not submit to be thus bit, if a lawyer's in the land. - But now stand fast, they come at last, the grooms in their cloth of - gold, - And Royal Dukes, you may know by their looks, so thick they can scarce - be told. - Here are Silver Sticks, in a coach-and-six, methinks it's rather funny, - But those sticks are dear, and it's very clear they cost a deal of - money. - A coach to carry a stick, indeed, how comical you talk— - Oh! there's many a stick, with head so thick, that rides when he ought - to walk. - But who is that, in the feathers and hat, so gracious she nods her - head, - Oh, that's the Queen's Bed-chamber maid. Is her Majesty going to bed? - Now the best of the fun is just begun, for, prancing, may be seen - The handsome Common Council men, in their gowns of mazarine, - And the Sheriffs bold, in their chains of gold, and not disposed to - quarrel, - Though one the song of _Moses_ sings, and the other a Christmas - _Carroll_. - And each Alderman fat, in his three cock'd hat—so comely, one by one - They stately ride, with their grooms beside—no doubt, to hold them on. - 'Tis the Mayor, of course, outside a horse, with the sword of state - before him, - He looks, in his pride, from side to side. How the 'prentice boys adore - him! - Hurrah! Hurrah! she comes this way—stand firm to see her pass! - Well, what have you seen?—why, not the Queen, but the glare of the - window glass. - Oh, I'm going wild! have you seen my child? from above I let him fall.— - Yes, there he rolls on the people's polls, and he'll soon be at - Guildhall. - That little crowd, they scream so loud, it pierces thro' and thro' you; - It's all the charity girls and boys a-singing "Hallelujah," - And "Live the Queen"—'tis a lovely scene—did you hear that cracking - note?— - 'Tis a little lass, in the second class, she's burst her little throat. - And now the bells ring round again, and the cannon loudly thunder, - But, before we go, do any know which _was_ the Queen, I wonder? - _I_ saw the Queen, she was dressed in green, and a gold tiara crown'd - her. - No, I rather think, that was her in pink, with the silver all around - her.— - In pink or green she never was seen, but she wore a robe of red, - And she rode a horse, as a thing of course, with a fur cap on her - head.— - I think it's plain we shall know her again, so now we'll quit our - station, - And we'll take a turn, when the gas-lights burn, to see the - illumination. - See crowns and stars, and bright V.R.'s, and wreaths and garlands - pretty, - And laurels green all round the Queen, and mottoes quaint and witty. - -Here's "Wax and Wick-toria" (_Cowan, in gloria_), "May she long wear her -Crown (_Alderman Brown_), "Ourselves and the Queen" (_Pellatt and -Green_), "She'll ne'er have her match if she reads the _Dispatch_" -(_says that jolly farmer, Alderman Harmer_), "Success to Regina and -Essence of Bina" (_inscription good, by Matthew Wood_), "Long live the -Queen, to drink Black and Green" (_Mr. Twining, in bright lamps -shining_), "None shall dare to affront her" (_Sir Claudius Hunter_), "In -a lot we'll knock down all the foes of the crown" (_a desperate go, by -Farebrother and Co._). - - But none of the sight gave such delight as the Aldermen and the Queen, - And throughout the land, such spectacles grand will never again be - seen. - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1839. - - - JANUARY [1839 - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - AL-MANIAC DAY.—A RUSH FOR THE MURPHIES. - - Mysterious Murphy, whose transcendent skill - Makes hail, rain, vapour, - Come forth obsequious to your will,— - At least on paper,— - Tell us what famous college - Bestow'd your wondrous knowledge! - Perchance your learned sconce found it _at once_; - Perhaps _by degree_ of T.C.D. - Some say the Prince of Evil has been too civil, - And that, in change for all your knowledge boasted - You're doomed—like other murphies—to be roasted. - Some think, like me for one, - You've kissed the Blarney Stone; - But though your blunders make a pretty rout, - Sure, if you're right, by _second_ sight, - You well may be, _at first_, a little out. - - But cock your weather eye athwart the sky, - Of wind and storm disclose your store, - For one year more, - And tell us true.— - Led by your lies the ships _lie to_, - Or snugly _arbour'd_, with _bower anchor_ ride, - And lose the tide— - Their funnies near, the watermen look sad, - Short cut or shag alone their sorrow lulls, - In sunshine read your page of weather bad, - And shake their heads, for no one wants their sculls. - But, sad to think, the washerwoman's pain, - Praying for rain, - And vainly hoping, as for showers she sniffs, - To fill her _butts_ with your delusive _ifs_. - Ah, me! I sought the throngs in Beulah's bowers, - Seduced from home by your _fair_ fiction, - But found none _out_, amid the drizzling showers, - Save my sad self and your prediction. - Now if again the weather's care you take on, - Don't try your flam on, - But if you wish to save your bacon, - Give us less gammon. - -[Illustration] - - - STUBBS'S CALENDAR; - OR, - THE FATAL BOOTS. - - - JANUARY.—THE BIRTH OF THE YEAR. - -Some poet has observed, that if any man would write down what has really -happened to him in this mortal life, he would be sure to make a good -book, though he never had met with a single adventure from his birth to -his burial; how much more, then, must I, who _have_ had adventures, most -singular, pathetic, and unparalleled, be able to compile an instructive -and entertaining volume for the use of the public! - -I don't mean to say that I have killed lions, or seen the wonders of -travel in the deserts of Arabia or Prussia: or that I have been a very -fashionable character, living with dukes and peeresses, and writing my -recollections of them as the way now is. I never left this my native -isle, nor spoke to a lord (except an Irish one, who had rooms in our -house, and forgot to pay three weeks' lodging and extras); but, as our -immortal bard observes, I have in the course of my existence been so -eaten up by the slugs and harrows of outrageous fortune, and have been -the object of such continual and extraordinary ill-luck, that I believe -it would melt the heart of a mile-stone to read of it—that is, if a -mile-stone had a heart of anything but stone. - -Twelve of my adventures, suitable for meditation and perusal during the -twelve months of the year, have been arranged by me for this Almanack. -They contain a part of the history of a great, and, confidently I may -say, a _good_ man. I was not a spendthrift like other men. I never -wronged any man of a shilling, though I am as sharp a fellow at a -bargain as any in Europe. I never injured a fellow-creature; on the -contrary, on several occasions, when injured myself, have shown the most -wonderful forbearance. I come of a tolerably good family; and yet, born -to wealth—of an inoffensive disposition, careful of the money that I -had, and eager to get more, I have been going down hill ever since my -journey of life began, and have been pursued by a complication of -misfortunes such as surely never happened to any man but the unhappy Bob -Stubbs. - -Bob Stubbs is my name; and I haven't got a shilling: I have borne the -commission of lieutenant in the service of King George, and am _now_—but -never mind what I am now, for the public will know in a few pages more. -My father was of the Suffolk Stubbses—a well-to-do gentleman of Bungay. -My grandfather had been a respected attorney in that town, and left my -papa a pretty little fortune. I was thus the inheritor of competence, -and ought to be at this moment a gentleman. - -My misfortunes may be said to have commenced about a year before my -birth, when my papa, a young fellow pretending to study the law in -London, fell madly in love with Miss Smith, the daughter of a tradesman, -who did not give her a sixpence, and afterwards became bankrupt. My papa -married this Miss Smith and carried her off to the country, where I was -born, in an evil hour for me. - -Were I to attempt to describe my early years, you would laugh at me as -an impostor; but the following letter from mamma to a friend after her -marriage, will pretty well show you what a poor foolish creature she -was; and what a reckless extravagant fellow was my other unfortunate -parent. - - * * * * * - - _To Miss Eliza Hicks, in Gracechurch Street, London._ - -O Eliza! your Susan is the happiest girl under heaven! My Thomas is an -angel! not a tall grenadier-like looking fellow, such as I always vowed -I would marry:—on the contrary, he is what the world would call dumpy, -and I hesitate not to confess that his eyes have a cast in them. But -what then? when one of his eyes is fixed on me, and one on my babe, they -are lighted up with an affection which my pen cannot describe, and -which, certainly, was never bestowed upon any woman so strongly as upon -your happy Susan Stubbs. - -When he comes home from shooting, or the farm, if you _could_ see dear -Thomas with me and our dear little Bob! as I sit on one knee, and baby -on the other, and as he dances us both about. I often wish that we had -Sir Joshua, or some great painter, to depict the group; for sure it is -the prettiest picture in the whole world, to see three such loving merry -people. - -Dear baby is the most lovely little creature that _can possibly be_,—the -very _image_ of papa; he is cutting his teeth, and the delight of -_everybody_. Nurse says, that when he is older, he will get rid of his -squint, and his hair will get a _great deal_ less red. Doctor Bates is -as kind, and skilful, and attentive as we could desire. Think what a -blessing to have had him! Ever since poor baby's birth, it has never had -a day of quiet; and he has been obliged to give it from three to four -doses every week;—how thankful ought we to be that the _dear thing_ is -as well as it is! It got through the measles wonderfully; then it had a -little rash; and then a nasty hooping cough; and then a fever, and -continual pains in its poor little stomach, crying, poor dear child, -from morning till night. - -But dear Tom is an excellent nurse; and many and many a night has he had -no sleep, dear man! in consequence of the poor little baby. He walks up -and down with it _for hours_, singing a kind of song (dear fellow, he -has no more voice than a tea-kettle), and bobbing his head backwards and -forwards, and looking, in his night-cap and dressing-gown, _so droll_. -Oh, Eliza! how you would laugh to see him. - -We have one of the best nursemaids _in the world_,—an Irishwoman, who is -as fond of baby almost as his mother (but that can _never be_). She -takes it to walk in the Park for hours together, and I really don't know -why Thomas dislikes her. He says she is tipsy very often, and slovenly, -which I cannot conceive;—to be sure, the nurse is sadly dirty, and -sometimes smells very strong of gin. - -But what of that? These little drawbacks only make home more pleasant. -When one thinks how many mothers have no nursemaids; how many poor dear -children have no doctors: ought we not to be thankful for Mary Malowney, -and that Dr. Bates's bill is forty-seven pounds? How ill must dear baby -have been, to require so much physic! - -But they are a sad expense, these dear babies, after all. Fancy, Eliza, -how much this Mary Malowney costs us. Ten shillings every week; a glass -of brandy or gin at dinner, three pint bottles of Mr. Thrale's best -porter every day,—making twenty-one in a week; and nine hundred and -ninety in the eleven months she has been with us. Then, for baby, there -is Dr. Bates's bill of forty-five guineas, two guineas for christening, -twenty for a grand christening supper and ball (rich Uncle John mortally -offended because he was made godfather, and had to give baby a silver -cup: he has struck Thomas out of his will; and old Mr. Firkin quite as -much hurt because he was _not_ asked: he will not speak to me or John in -consequence); twenty guineas for flannels, laces, little gowns, caps, -napkins, and such baby's ware: and all this out of £300 a year! But -Thomas expects to make _a great deal_ by his farm. - -We have got the most charming country-house _you can imagine_; it is -_quite shut in_ by trees, and so retired that, though only thirty miles -from London, the post comes to us but once a week. The roads, it must be -confessed, are execrable: it is winter now, and we are up to our knees -in mud and snow. But oh, Eliza! how happy we are: with Thomas (he has -had a sad attack of rheumatism, dear man!) and little Bobby, and our -kind friend Dr. Bates, who comes so far to see us, I leave you to fancy -that we have a charming merry party, and do not care for all the -gaieties of Ranelagh. - -Adieu! dear baby is crying for his mamma: a thousand kisses from your -affectionate - - SUSAN STUBBS. - - * * * * * - -There it is. Doctor's bills, gentleman-farming, twenty-one pints of -porter a week; in this way my unnatural parents were already robbing me -of my property. - -[Illustration] - - FEBRUARY [1839 - -[Illustration] - - - THE DORMANT PEERAGE—APPEALS IN THE LORDS. - - 1 in 10. Fleet Prisn. Fe be wary 9. 1838 - - DERE MOLLY, - -i am sory to say, in anser to yure lofeing letter, that we are all like -to want bred, for i have gained my law sute quite sattisfactury, witch -it greves me the more that hou tell me the rufe of the cottige is -tumbled in for the lawyers say it is now mine for me and my hares for -ever witch i fere you have all got wet skins, but it is a comfurt i -follered my sute, so you shall here the upshot of my downfal witch is -this—arter the big wig in the big hall had givd it aginst me my lawyers -sed if i had any money left i shud vindickit the law and stand up for my -famley and my rites so with no more seremony sais he ile cary it afore -the lords—so arter a long time it cum to my turn afore all the parlyment -howse—thinks i wen the nobs ears it all the hares of there heds will -stand on end; so i went to the great place were all the lords, as i -thote, was all awating for me, wen dash me if there was but too fat old -fellers aslepe—(i thote i shud see 2 dosin,) and the same judg as eard -about it afore—blest if i arnt done thinks i—so wen my countsillers got -up and told it agen he nodded his hed evry now and then, seemmily to say -its all rite, for my part i cudnt elp crien wen i herd ow ill ide been -used: but eather becos he had a bigger wig on than afore or becos he was -aslepe like the others, he givd it all on my side this time, so my -lawyers sed i was a lucky feller and they wanted sum more mony from me, -but as i ad no more to give em they put me in this plase its calld the -Fleet tho its not a ship board tho they say its very much among the -knavey. But now ime in for it and can't get out unles i can melt the -arts of the lawyers, witch they say is verry ard, xcept by the solvent -act. Won cumfort heres plenty of gude satiety, moastly jentilmen, and -non so bad off as begars and balot singers tho they seem in a staite of -universle sufferige. Dere Molly, if the wals is tumbil'd down its no use -to mind your rexpextabilaty, but think of leafing in the spring for i -fere it will be too hairy for the heds of the children witch they have -always been used to a thatch, and sel the stiks and send me the munny if -its ever so little its ofe yure mind, as i say to miself wen i lye awak -a nites for i cant get no slepe for thinking of yew and the piggs, witch -i wish we wos all in the churchyard for its verry cold and ive no fire -witch is grately dettrementil to my rest. Ive jist eard of a fine plase -cauld the Swan, were i shal hop to get wen i cum out, were theres no law -nor lawyers nor cottiges nor law-sutes nor no nothin but jist the world -afore us to do as we like, and if there's rume ile send for yew and the -children arter. So no moar your affeckshinate husban, - - JILES JOGGINS. - -[Illustration: - - An Appeal Case. - - Cold, without. -] - -[Illustration: - - "Who are you?" - - Rumi-nation. -] - -[Illustration: - - "The Master's Report." - - A _Tail_ of a Chancery Suit. -] - - - FEBRUARY.—CUTTING WEATHER. - -I have called this chapter "cutting weather," partly in compliment to -the month of February, and partly in respect of my own misfortunes which -you are going to read about, for I have often thought that January -(which is mostly twelfth cake and holiday time) is like the first four -or five years of a little boy's life; then comes dismal February, and -the working days with it, when chaps begin to look out for themselves, -after the Christmas and the New Year's hey-day and merry-making are -over, which our infancy may well be said to be. Well can I recollect -that bitter first of February, when I first launched out into the world -and appeared at Dr. Swishtail's academy. - -I began at school that life of prudence and economy, which I have -carried on ever since. My mother gave me eighteen-pence on setting out -(poor soul! I thought her heart would break as she kissed me, and bade -God bless me); and besides, I had a small capital of my own, which I had -amassed for a year previous. I'll tell you what I used to do. Wherever I -saw six half-pence I took one. If it was asked for, I said I had taken -it, and gave it back;—if it was not missed, I said nothing about it, as -why should I?—those who don't miss their money don't lose their money. -So I had a little private fortune of three shillings, besides mother's -eighteen-pence. At school they called me the copper-merchant, I had such -lots of it. - -Now, even at a preparatory school, a well-regulated boy may better -himself: and I can tell you I did. I never was in any quarrels: I never -was very high in the class or very low; but there was no chap so much -respected: and why? _I'd always money._ The other boys spent all their's -in the first day or two, and they gave me plenty of cakes and -barley-sugar then, I can tell you. I'd no need to spend my own money, -for they would insist upon treating me. Well, in a week, when their's -was gone, and they had but their threepence a week to look to for the -rest of the half-year, what did I do? Why, I am proud to say that -three-halfpence out of the threepence a week of almost all the young -gentlemen at Dr. Swishtail's, came into my pocket. Suppose, for -instance, Tom Hicks wanted a slice of gingerbread, who had the money? -Little Bob Stubbs to be sure. "Hicks," I used to say, "_I'll_ buy you -three-halfp'orth of gingerbread, if you'll give me threepence next -Saturday:" and he agreed, and next Saturday came, and he very often -could not pay me more than three-halfpence, then there was the -threepence I was to have _the next_ Saturday. I'll tell you what I did -for a whole half-year:—I lent a chap by the name of Dick Bunting -three-halfpence the first Saturday, for threepence the next; he could -not pay me more than half when Saturday came, and I'm blest if I did not -make him pay me three-halfpence _for three and twenty weeks running_, -making two shillings and tenpence-halfpenny. But he was a sad -dishonourable fellow, Dick Bunting; for, after I'd been so kind to him, -and let him off for three-and-twenty weeks the money he owed me, -holidays came, and threepence he owed me still. Well, according to the -common principles of practice, after six weeks' holidays, he ought to -have paid me exactly sixteen shillings, which was my due. For the - - First week the 3_d._ would be 6_d._ - Second week 1_s._ - Third week 2_s._ - Fourth week 4_s._ - Fifth week 8_s._ - Sixth week 16_s._ - -Nothing could be more just; and yet, will it be believed? when Bunting -came back, he offered me _three-halfpence_! the mean, dishonest -scoundrel! - -However, I was even with him, I can tell you.—He spent all his money in -a fortnight, and _then_ I screwed him down! I made him, besides giving -me a penny for a penny, pay me a quarter of his bread and butter at -breakfast, and a quarter of his cheese at supper; and before the -half-year was out, I got from him a silver fruit knife, a box of -compasses, and a very pretty silver-laced waistcoat, in which I went -home as proud as a king: and, what's more, I had no less than three -golden guineas in the pocket of it, besides fifteen shillings, the -knife, and a brass bottle-screw, which I got from another chap. It -wasn't bad interest for twelve shillings, which was all the money I'd -had in the year, was it? Heigh ho! I've often wished that I could get -such a chance again in this wicked world; but men are more avaricious -now than they used to be in those early days. - -[Illustration] - -Well, I went home in my new waistcoat as fine as a peacock; and when I -gave the bottle-screw to my father, begging him to take it as a token of -my affection for him, my dear mother burst into such a fit of tears as I -never saw, and kissed and hugged me fit to smother me. "Bless him, bless -him," says she, "to think of his old father! And where did you purchase -it, Bob?"—"Why, mother," says I, "I purchased it out of my savings" -(which was as true as the gospel).—When I said this, mother looked round -to father, smiling, although she had tears in her eyes, and she took his -hand, and with her other hand drew me to her. "Is he not a noble boy?" -says she to my father: "and only nine years old!" "Faith!" says my -father, "he _is_ a good lad, Susan. Thank thee, my boy: and here is a -crown piece in return for thy bottle-screw;—it shall open us a bottle of -the very best, too," says my father; and he kept his word. I always was -fond of good wine (though never, from a motive of proper self-denial, -having any in my cellar); and, by Jupiter! on this night I had my little -skin full,—for there was no stinting—so pleased were my dear parents -with the bottle-screw.—The best of it was, it only cost me threepence -originally, which a chap could not pay me. - -Seeing this game was such a good one, I became very generous towards my -parents: and a capital way it is to encourage liberality in children. I -gave mamma a very neat brass thimble, and she gave me a half-guinea -piece. Then I gave her a very pretty needle-book, which I made myself -with an ace of spades from a new pack of cards we had, and I got Sally, -our maid, to cover it with a bit of pink satin her mistress had given -her; and I made the leaves of the book, which I vandyked very nicely, -out of a piece of flannel I had had round my neck for a sore throat. It -smelt a little of hartshorn, but it was a beautiful needle-book, and -mamma was so delighted with it, that she went into town, and bought me a -gold-laced hat. Then I bought papa a pretty china tobacco-stopper; but I -am sorry to say of my dear father that he was not so generous as my -mamma or myself, for he only burst out laughing, and did not give me so -much as a half-crown piece, which was the least I expected from him "I -shan't give you anything, Bob, this time," says he; "and I wish, my boy, -you would not make any more such presents,—for, really, they are too -expensive." Expensive, indeed! I hate meanness,—even in a father. - -I must tell you about the silver-edged waistcoat which Bunting gave me. -Mamma asked me about it, and I told her the truth,—that it was a present -from one of the boys for my kindness to him. Well, what does she do but -writes back to Dr. Swishtail, when I went to school, thanking him for -his attention to her dear son, and sending a shilling to the good and -grateful little boy who had given me the waistcoat! - -"What waistcoat is it?" said the Doctor to me, "and who gave it you?" - -"Bunting gave it me, sir," says I. - -"Call Bunting:" and up the little ungrateful chap came. Would you -believe it? he burst into tears,—told that the waistcoat had been given -him by his mother, and that he had been forced to give it for a debt to -Copper Merchant, as the nasty little blackguard called me. He then said, -how, for three-halfpence, he had been compelled to pay me three -shillings (the sneak! as if he had been _obliged_ to borrow the -three-halfpence!)—how all the other boys had been swindled (swindled!) -by me in like manner,—and how, with only twelve shillings, I had managed -to scrape together four guineas. - - * * * * * - -My courage almost fails as I describe the shameful scene that followed. -The boys were called in, my own little account-book was dragged out of -my cupboard, to prove how much I had received from each, and every -farthing of my money was paid back to them. The tyrant took the thirty -shillings that my dear parents had given me, and said that he should put -them into the poor-box at church; and, after having made a long -discourse to the boys about meanness and usury, he said, "Take off your -coat, Mr. Stubbs, and restore Bunting his waistcoat." I did, and stood -without coat and waistcoat in the midst of the nasty, grinning boys. I -was going to put on my coat,— - -"Stop," says he, "TAKE DOWN HIS BREECHES!" - -Ruthless, brutal villain! Sam Hopkins, the biggest boy, took them down— -horsed me—and _I was flogged, sir_; yes, flogged! Oh, revenge! I, Robert -Stubbs, who had done nothing but what was right, was brutally flogged at -ten years of age.—Though February was the shortest month, I remembered -it long. - - MARCH. [1839. - - - EASTER SUNDAY. - -[Sidenote: Secure - your purse - when you - look - at the - sky, - ♊ ♏ ♀ ♄ - Or so much - the worse - ☍ ♈ ☽ ♂ - for your - pro-per-ty. - [Illustration] - For some - there live - —how - mel-an-choly!— - who feed - ♉ ♒ ♀ ⚹ - and thrive - by others' - Folly.] - - Some people brave the whelming wave, - A broiling sun, or a frozen life; - Of cutting care I get my share, - The horror of The Carving Knife. - - I wish I was a foreigner, - A Hottentot, or a heathen Turk, - Or in a poor-law union, where - They never want a knife and fork. - - Before a joint, unhinged, I stand, - When call'd on for a fav'rite bit, - And surely as I try my hand, - So sure I put my foot in it. - - Folks say I'm not a useful man; - Yet, anxious to be serviceable, - And do them all the good I can, - They learn, with me, to wait at table. - - Patient as martyr at a stake, - I bear the baitings of relations, - Who give no quarter, while they make - O'er mangled lamb their lamentations. - - I'm very slow about a brisket; - Bacon's a bore—at duck I quake; - To cut a pheasant's far from pleasant, - And e'en a jelly makes me shake. - - From leg I'd rather run away; - Vain flight of fancy is a wing; - A merry thought, I sadly say, - To me is a forbidden thing. - - But cut I will, and that full soon, - For some fair land where freedom lingers, - Where I can feed me with a spoon, - Or, like a Frenchman, use my fingers. - -25. Equi-noctial Gales now about. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - Pray, sir, did you mean that blow in jest? - No, indeed, sir, I never was more in earnest. - Oh! I'm very glad of it, for I never put up with a joke. - - - MARCH.—SHOWERY. - -When my mamma heard of the treatment of her darling she was for bringing -an action against the schoolmaster, or else for tearing his eyes out -(when, dear soul! she would not have torn the eyes out of a flea, had it -been her own injury), and, at the very least, for having me removed from -the school where I had been so shamefully treated. But papa was stern -for once, and vowed that I had been served quite right, declared that I -should not be removed from the school; and sent old Swishtail a brace of -pheasants for what he called his kindness to me. Of these the old -gentleman invited me to partake, and made a very queer speech at dinner, -as he was cutting them up, about the excellence of my parents, and his -own determination to be _kinder still_ to me, if ever I ventured on such -practices again; so I was obliged to give up my old trade of lending, -for the doctor declared that any boy who borrowed should be flogged, and -any one who _paid_ should be flogged twice as much. There was no -standing against such a prohibition as this, and my little commerce was -ruined. - -I was not very high in the school: not having been able to get further -than that dreadful _Propria quæ maribus_ in the Latin grammar, of which, -though I have it by heart even now, I never could understand a syllable— -but, on account of my size, my age, and the prayers of my mother, was -allowed to have the privilege of the bigger boys, and on holidays to -walk about in the town; great dandies we were, too, when we thus went -out. I recollect my costume very well: a thunder-and-lightning coat, a -white waistcoat, embroidered neatly at the pockets, a lace frill, a pair -of knee-breeches, and elegant white cotton or silk stockings. This did -very well, but still I was dissatisfied, I wanted _a pair of boots_. -Three boys in the school had boots—I was mad to have them too. - -There was a German bootmaker who had just set up in _our_ town in those -days, who afterwards made his fortune in London; I determined to have -the boots from him, and did not despair, before the end of a year or -two, either to leave the school, when I should not mind his dunning me, -or to screw the money from mamma, and so pay him. - -So I called upon this man, Stiffelkind was his name, and he took my -measure for a pair. - -"You are a vary young gentleman to wear dop boots," said the shoemaker. - -"I suppose, fellow," says I, "that is my business and not yours; either -make the boots or not—but when you speak to a man of my rank, speak -respectfully;" and I poured out a number of oaths, in order to impress -him with a notion of my respectability. - -They had the desired effect.—"Stay, sir," says he, "I have a nice littel -pair of dop boots dat I tink will jost do for you," and he produced, -sure enough, the most elegant things I ever saw. "Day were made," said -he, "for de Honourable Mr. Stiffney, of de Gards, but were too small." - -"Ah, indeed!" said I, "Stiffney is a relation of mine: and what, you -scoundrel, will you have the impudence to ask for these things?" He -replied, "Three pounds." - -"Well," said I, "they are confoundedly dear, but as you will have a long -time to wait for your money, why I shall have my revenge, you see." The -man looked alarmed, and began a speech: "Sare, I cannot let dem go -vidout;"—but a bright thought struck me, and I interrupted—"Sir! don't -sir me—take off the boots, fellow, and, hark ye! when you speak to a -nobleman, don't say—Sir." - -"A hundert tousand pardons, my lort," says he: "if I had known you were -a lort, I vood never have called you, Sir. Vat name shall I put down in -my books?" - -"Name?—oh! why—LORD CORNWALLIS, to be sure," said I, as I walked off in -the boots. - -"And vat shall I do vid my lort's shoes?" "Keep them until I send for -them," said I; and, giving him a patronizing bow, I walked out of the -shop, as the German tied up my shoes in a paper.... - -This story I would not have told, but that my whole life turned upon -these accursed boots. I walked back to school as proud as a peacock, and -easily succeeded in satisfying the boys as to the manner in which I came -by my new ornaments. - -Well, one fatal Monday morning, the blackest of all black-Mondays that -ever I knew—as we were all of us playing between school-hours—I saw a -posse of boys round a stranger, who seemed to be looking out for one of -us—a sudden trembling seized me—I knew it was Stiffelkind: what had -brought him here? He talked loud, and seemed angry—so I rushed into the -school-room, and, burying my head between my hands, began reading for -the dear life. - -"I vant Lort Cornvallis," said the horrid bootmaker. "His lortship -belongs, I know, to dis honourable school, for I saw him vid de boys at -church, yesterday." - -"Lord who?" - -"Vy, Lort Cornvallis, to be sure—a very fat yong nobleman, vid red hair, -he squints a little, and svears dreadfully." - -"There's no Lord Cornvallis here," said one—and there was a pause. - -"Stop! I have it!" says that odious Bunting. "_It must be Stubbs_;" and -"Stubbs! Stubbs!" every one cried out, while I was so busy at my book as -not to hear a word. - -At last, two of the biggest chaps rushed into the school-room, and -seizing each an arm, run me into the play-ground—bolt up against the -shoemaker. - -"Dis is my man—I beg your lortship's pardon," says he, "I have brought -your lortship's shoes, vich you left—see, dey have been in dis parcel -ever since you vent avay in my boots." - -"Shoes, fellow!" says I, "I never saw your face before;" for I knew -there was nothing for it but brazening it out. "Upon the honour of a -gentleman," said I, turning round to the boys—they hesitated; and if the -trick had turned in my favour, fifty of them would have seized hold of -Stiffelkind, and drubbed him soundly. - -"Stop!" says Bunting (hang him!), "let's see the shoes—if they fit him, -why, then, the cobbler's right." They did fit me, and not only that, but -the name of STUBBS was written in them at full length. - -"Vat?" said Stiffelkind, "is he not a lort? so help me himmel, I never -did vonce tink of looking at de shoes, which have been lying, ever -since, in dis piece of brown paper;" and then gathering anger as he went -on, thundered out so much of his abuse of me, in his German-English, -that the boys roared with laughter. Swishtail came in in the midst of -the disturbance, and asked what the noise meant. - -"It's only Lord Cornwallis, sir," said the boys, "battling with his -shoemaker, about the price of a pair of top-boots." - -"O, sir" said I, "it was only in fun that I called myself Lord -Cornwallis." - -"In fun! Where are the boots? And you, sir, give me your bill." My -beautiful boots were brought; and Stiffelkind produced his bill. "Lord -Cornwallis to Samuel Stiffelkind, for a pair of boots—four guineas." - -"You have been fool enough, sir," says the doctor, looking very stern, -"to let this boy impose upon you as a lord; and knave enough to charge -him double the value of the article you sold him. Take back the boots, -sir, I wont pay a penny of your bill; nor can you get a penny. As for -you, sir, you miserable swindler and cheat, I shall not flog you as I -did before, but I shall send you home: you are not fit to be the -companion of honest boys." - -"_Suppose we duck him_ before he goes," piped out a very small voice. -The doctor grinned significantly, and left the school-room; and the boys -knew by this they might have their will. They seized me, and carried me -to the play-ground pump—they pumped upon me until I was half dead, and -the monster, Stiffelkind, stood looking on for the half-hour the -operation lasted. - -I suppose the doctor, at last, thought I had had pumping enough, for he -rung the school-bell, and the boys were obliged to leave me; as I got -out of the trough, Stiffelkind was alone with me. "Vell, my lort," says -he, "you have paid _something_ for dese boots, but not all; by Jubider! -_you shall never hear de end of dem_." And I didn't. - -[Illustration] - - 1839.] APRIL. - -[Illustration] - - - FIRST DAY OF TERM.—_Effects before Causes._ - -15. Judges breakfast with the Lord Chancellor. - -[Illustration: - - +------------+ - | THIS FRONT | - | TO BE | - | SOLD | - +------------+ -] - - Good judges in the law are they - Of Sherry, Claret, and Tokay, - And when their lordships deign to joke, - And banish Lyttleton and Coke, - They order that the best old Port - Shall henceforth be a rule of court; - That care shall be the fate of asses, - Their only circuits be of glasses; - And vow, 'midst clattering peals and thumpers, - To charge no juries save in bumpers. - So happy on such TERMS as these, - They seem a court of common _please_, - And wish, the toils of life to soften, - That such RETURNS would come more often. - -6. Old Lady Day. - - A learned saw does sagely say, that ancient dames should have their - day, - And calendars, 'tis very clear, provide it always once a-year; - Thus, dearing, sneering, canting, kind, the kiss before, the bite - behind, - Fair fames, foul names, and Hyson Tea, all go to pot right merrilie. - - Come, now, I propose we try a rubber.—I'm shocked to hear it, I hope - he'll drub her; these matches seem such infant's play;—Why, they're - rather childish, but it wont do to throw a chance away,—And therefore - you lose the trick, my dear: She'd give 'em the game if I'd let her.— - Oh! I'm quite shock'd.—Don't mention it, ma'am, I suppose you know no - better.—But as to Melbourne, people say, he's now grown quite a - fixture.—Well, that may be; there are some shams, but it's genuine - Howqua's Mixture.—Oh! I've discover'd a thing so strange, I could set - you all by the ears if I chose it; but I greatly mind your peace of - mind, so I never, never, never will disclose it.—Ah! what can it be, - whisper to me, or I never shall live to leave the place.—Then I fear - it's your lot to die on the spot, but, as a very great secret, these - are the facts of the case:—... - - - APRIL.—FOOLING. - -After this, as you may fancy, I left this disgusting establishment, and -lived for some time along with pa and mamma at home. My education was -finished, at least mamma and I agreed that it was: and from boyhood -until hobbadyhoyhood (which I take to be about the sixteenth year of the -life of a young man, and may be likened to the month of April when -spring begins to bloom), from fourteen until seventeen, I say, I -remained at home, doing nothing, for which I ever since have had a great -taste, the idol of my mamma, who took part in all my quarrels with -father, and used regularly to rob the weekly expenses in order to find -me in pocket-money. Poor soul! many and many is the guinea I have had -from her in that way; and so she enabled me to cut a very pretty figure. - -Papa was for having me at this time articled to a merchant, or put to -some profession; but mamma and I agreed that I was born to be a -gentleman, and not a tradesman, and the army was the only place for me. -Everybody was a soldier in those times, for the French war had just -begun, and the whole country was swarming with militia regiments. "We'll -get him a commission in a marching regiment," said my father; "as we -have no money to purchase him up, he'll _fight_ his way, I make no -doubt;" and papa looked at me, with a kind of air of contempt, as much -as to say he doubted whether I should be very eager for such a dangerous -way of bettering myself. - -I wish you could have heard mamma's screech, when he talked so coolly of -my going out to fight. "What, send him abroad! across the horrid, horrid -sea—to be wrecked and, perhaps, drowned, and only to land for the -purpose of fighting the wicked Frenchmen,—to be wounded, and perhaps -kick—kick—killed! Oh, Thomas, Thomas! would you murder me and your boy?" -There was a regular scene;—however it ended, as it always did, in -mother's getting the better, and it was settled that I should go into -the militia. And why not? the uniform is just as handsome, and the -danger not half so great. I don't think in the course of my whole -military experience I ever fought anything, except an old woman, who had -the impudence to hallo out, "Heads up, lobster!"—Well, I joined the -North Bungays and was fairly launched into the world. - -I was not a handsome man, I know; but there was _something_ about me— -that's very evident—for the girls always laughed when they talked to me, -and the men, though they affected to call me a poor little creature, -squint-eyes, knock-knees, red-head, and so on, were evidently annoyed by -my success, for they hated me so confoundedly. Even at the present time -they go on, though I have given up gallivanting, as I call it. But in -the April of my existence—that is, in Anno Domini 1791, or so—it was a -different case; and having nothing else to do, and being bent upon -bettering my condition, I did some very pretty things in that way. But I -was not hot-headed and imprudent, like most young fellows.—Don't fancy I -looked for beauty! Pish!—I wasn't such a fool. Nor for temper; I don't -care about a bad temper: I could break any woman's heart in two years. -What I wanted was to get on in the world. Of course, I didn't _prefer_ -an ugly woman, or a shrew; and, when the choice offered, would certainly -put up with a handsome, good-humoured girl, with plenty of money, as any -honest man would. - -Now there were two tolerably rich girls in our parts: Miss Magdalen -Crutty, with twelve thousand pounds (and, to do her justice, as plain a -girl as ever I saw), and Miss Mary Waters, a fine, tall, plump, smiling, -peach-cheeked, golden-haired, white-skinned lass, with only ten. Mary -Waters lived with her uncle, the Doctor, who had helped me into the -world, and who was trusted with this little orphan charge very soon -after. My mother, as you have heard, was so fond of Bates, and Bates so -fond of little Mary, that both, at first, were almost always in our -house: and I used to call her my little wife, as soon as I could speak, -and before she could walk, almost. It was beautiful to see us, the -neighbours said. - -Well, when her brother, the lieutenant of an India ship, came to be -captain, and actually gave Mary five thousand pounds, when she was about -ten years old, and promised her five thousand more, there was a great -talking, and bobbing, and smiling, between the Doctor and my parents, -and Mary and I were left together more than ever, and she was told to -call me her little husband: and she did, and it was considered a settled -thing from that day. She was really amazingly fond of me. - -Can any one call me mercenary after that? Though Miss Crutty had twelve -thousand, and Mary only ten (five in hand, and five in the bush), I -stuck faithfully to Mary. As a matter of course, Miss Crutty hated Miss -Waters. The fact was, Mary had all the country dangling after her, and -not a soul would come to Magdalen, for all her £12,000. I used to be -attentive to her, though (as it's always useful to be); and Mary would -sometimes laugh and sometimes cry at my flirting with Magdalen. This I -thought proper very quickly to check. "Mary," said I, "you know that my -love for you is disinterested,—for I am faithful to you, though Miss -Crutty is richer than you. Don't fly into a rage, then, because I pay -her attentions, when you know that my heart and my promise are engaged -to you." - -The fact is, to tell a little bit of a secret, there is nothing like the -having two strings to your bow. "Who knows?" thought I, "Mary may die; -and then where are my £10,000?" So I used to be very kind indeed to Miss -Crutty; and well it was that I was so: for when I was twenty, and Mary -eighteen, I'm blest if news did not arrive that Captain Waters, who was -coming home to England with all his money in rupees, had been taken— -ship, rupees, self and all—by a French privateer; and Mary, instead of -£10,000, had only £5000, making a difference of no less than £350 per -annum betwixt her and Miss Crutty. - -I had just joined my regiment (the famous North Bungay Fencibles, -Colonel Craw commanding) when this news reached me; and you may fancy -how a young man, in an expensive regiment and mess, having uniforms and -whatnot to pay for, and a figure to cut in the world, felt at hearing -such news! "My dearest Robert," wrote Miss Waters, "will deplore my dear -brother's loss: but not, I am sure, the money which that kind and -generous soul had promised me. I have still five thousand pounds, and -with this and your own little fortune (I had £1000 in the five per -cents.!) we shall be as happy and contented as possible." - -Happy and contented, indeed! Didn't I know how my father got on with his -£300 a-year, and how it was all he could do out of it to add a hundred -a-year to my narrow income, and live himself! My mind was made up—I -instantly mounted the coach, and flew to our village,—to Mr. Crutty's, -of course. It was next door to Doctor Bates's; but I had no business -_there_. - -I found Magdalen in the garden. "Heavens, Mr. Stubbs!" said she, as in -my new uniform I appeared before her, "I really did never—such a -handsome officer—expect to see you;" and she made as if she would blush, -and began to tremble violently. I led her to a garden seat. I seized her -hand—it was not withdrawn. I pressed it;—I thought the pressure was -returned. I flung myself on my knees, and then I poured into her ear a -little speech which I had made on the top of the coach. "Divine Miss -Crutty," said I; "idol of my soul! It was but to catch one glimpse of -you that I passed through this garden. I never intended to breathe the -secret passion (oh, no! of course not) which was wearing my life away. -You know my unfortunate pre-engagement,—it is broken, and _for ever_! I -am free!—free, but to be your slave,—your humblest, fondest, truest -slave:" and so on..... - -"O, Mr. Stubbs," said she, as I imprinted a kiss upon her cheek, "I -can't refuse you; but I fear you are a sad, naughty man...." - -Absorbed in the delicious reverie which was caused by the dear -creature's confusion, we were both silent for a while, and should have -remained so for hours, perhaps, so lost were we in happiness, had I not -been suddenly roused by a voice exclaiming from behind us, - -"_Don't cry, Mary; he is a swindling, sneaking scoundrel, and you are -well rid of him!_" - -I turned round! O, Heaven! there stood Mary, weeping on Doctor Bates's -arm, while that miserable apothecary was looking at me with the utmost -scorn. The gardener who had let me in had told them of my arrival, and -now stood grinning behind them. "Imperence!" was my Magdalen's only -exclamation, as she flounced by with the utmost self-possession, while -I, glancing daggers at _the spies_, followed her. We retired to the -parlour, where she repeated to me the strongest assurances of her love. - -I thought I was a made man. Alas! I was only an APRIL FOOL! - - MAY [1839 - -[Illustration] - - - THE CONCERT SEASON. - -[Sidenote: _State of the_ - _Weather._ - —— - Hocus Pocus - look for - RAIN. - [Illustration] - Hoaxem - Folksem - FINE - again! - [Illustration] - Would you - know the - WET from - DRY, - "_Buy, Buy, Buy_." - It's like to - CHANGE when - cats do cry. -] - - That very merry pleasant month of May - Is made for Music, as the poets say; - Whether in shady groves we seek retreat, - Or view the Concert bills in Regent-street, - 'Twould seem as though the world was gone a-singing— - Green bowers and Opera boxes all are ringing - With strains of melody that pour upon us, - From thrushes, nightingales, and prima Donnas. - The little birds sing treeos in each nook, - And turn over the leaves for want of book; - While operas, scored for twenty kettle-drums - By Costa, sent to pot our tympanums. - But what harmonious armies now besiege - The ears and pockets of each simple liege: - Jew German minstrels, in Whitechapel born, - Brazen performers on a brazen horn, - And he who, having nothing to put in - His empty mouth, plays tunes upon his chin. - Forsaking soap, my washerwoman's daughters - Practise soprano, "o'er the dark blue waters," - On drying days supreme their glory shines, - And soars aloft, to C above the lines. - But far and wide they solo, catch, and glee 'em - At EAGLE, CONDUIT, STINGO, _Call-an-seum_, - Where unknown throngs from unknown regions go, - For gin, tobacco, and "The Chough and Crow," - And MELODISTS', where shopmen, quite sublime, - In counter-tenor murder tune and time, - And while for pleasure, perhaps, abroad they roam, - A little concert waits for them at home. - -[Illustration: - - "_A small Music Party._" -] - - I hate all amateurs who play the flute— - All sulky singing ladies who sit mute— - I hate a piece, made up of variations - On tiresome ditties borrow'd from all nations; - I hate, although I love a cheerful song, - To be obliged to listen all night long. - -[Illustration] - - - MAY.—RESTORATION DAY. - -As the month of May is considered, by poets and other philosophers, to -be devoted by Nature to the great purpose of love-making, I may as well -take advantage of that season and acquaint you with the result of _my_ -amours. - -Young, gay, fascinating, and an ensign, I had completely won the heart -of my Magdalen; and as for Miss Waters and her nasty uncle the Doctor, -there was a complete split between us, as you may fancy; Miss, -pretending, forsooth, that she was glad I had broken off the match, -though she would have given her eyes, the little minx, to have had it on -again. But this was out of the question. My father, who had all sorts of -queer notions, said I had acted like a rascal in the business; my mother -took my part, in course, and declared I acted rightly, as I always did: -and I got leave of absence from the regiment in order to press my -beloved Magdalen to marry me out of hand—knowing, from reading and -experience, the extraordinary mutability of human affairs. - -Besides, as the dear girl was seventeen years older than myself, and as -bad in health as she was in temper, how was I to know that the grim king -of terrors might not carry her off before she became mine? With the -tenderest warmth, then, and most delicate ardour, I continued to press -my suit. The happy day was fixed—the ever-memorable 10th of May, 1792; -the wedding clothes were ordered; and, to make things secure, I penned a -little paragraph for the county paper to this effect:—"Marriage in High -Life. We understand that Ensign Stubbs, of the North Bungay Fencibles, -and son of Thomas Stubbs, of Sloffemsquiggle, Esquire, is about to lead -to the hymeneal altar the lovely and accomplished daughter of Solomon -Crutty, Esquire, of the same place. A fortune of twenty thousand pounds -is, we hear, the lady's portion. 'None but the brave deserve the -fair....'" - -"Have you informed your relatives, my beloved," said I to Magdalen one -day after sending the above notice; "will any of them attend at your -marriage?" - -"Uncle Sam will, I daresay," said Miss Crutty, "dear mamma's brother." - -"And who _was_ your dear mamma?" said I, for Miss Crutty's respected -parent had been long since dead, and I never heard her name mentioned in -the family. - -Magdalen blushed, and cast down her eyes to the ground. "Mamma was a -foreigner," at last she said. - -"And of what country?" - -"A German; papa married her when she was very young:—she was not of a -very good family," said Miss Crutty, hesitating. - -"And what care I for family, my love," said I, tenderly kissing the -knuckles of the hand which I held; "she must have been an angel who gave -birth to you." - -"She was a shoemaker's daughter." - -_A German shoemaker!_ hang 'em, thought I, I have had enough of them, -and so I broke up this conversation, which did not somehow please me.... - -Well, the day was drawing near: the clothes were ordered; the banns were -read. My dear mamma had built a cake about the size of a washing-tub: -and I was only waiting for a week to pass to put me in possession of -twelve thousand pounds in the _five_ per cents., as they were in those -days, Heaven bless em! Little did I know the storm that was brewing, and -the disappointment which was to fall upon a young man who really did his -best to get a fortune. - -"O Robert!" said my Magdalen to me, two days before the match was to -come off, "I have _such_ a kind letter from uncle Sam, in London. I -wrote to him as you wished. He says that he is coming down to-morrow; -that he has heard of you often, and knows your character very well, and -that he has got a _very handsome present_ for us! What can it be, I -wonder?" - -"Is he rich, my soul's adored?" says I. - -"He is a bachelor with a fine trade, and nobody to leave his money to." - -"His present can't be less than a thousand pounds," says I. - -"Or, perhaps, a silver tea-set, and some corner dishes," says she. - -But we could not agree to this: it was too little—too mean for a man of -her uncle's wealth; and we both determined it must be the thousand -pounds. - -"Dear, good uncle! he's to be here by the coach," says Magdalen. "Let us -ask a little party to meet him." And so we did, and so they came. My -father and mother, old Crutty in his best wig, and the parson who was to -marry us next day. The coach was to come in at six. And there was the -tea-table, and there was the punch-bowl, and everybody ready and smiling -to receive our dear uncle from London. - -Six o'clock came, and the coach, and the man from the Green Dragon with -a portmanteau, and a fat old gentleman walking behind, of whom I just -caught a glimpse—a venerable old gentleman—I thought I'd seen him -before.... - -Then there was a ring at the bell; then a scuffling and bumping at the -passage: then old Crutty rushed out, and a great laughing and talking, -and "_How are you?_" and so on, was heard at the door; and then the -parlour-door was flung open, and Crutty cried out with a loud voice— - -"Good people all! my brother-in-law, Mr. STIFFELKIND!" - -_Mr. Stiffelkind!_—I trembled as I heard the name! - -Miss Crutty kissed him; mamma made him a curtsey, and papa made him a -bow; and Dr. Snorter, the parson, seized his hand and shook it most -warmly—then came my turn! - -"Vat," says he, "it is my dear goot yong friend from Doctor -Schvis'hentail's! is dis the yong gentleman's honourable moder" (mamma -smiled and made a curtsey), "and dis his fader! Sare and madam, you -should be broud of soch a sonn. And you, my niece, if you have him for a -husband you vil be locky, dat is all. Vat dink you, broder Crotty, and -Madame Stobbs, I ave made your sonn's boots, ha! ha!" - -My mamma laughed, and said, "I did not know it, but I am sure, sir, he -has as pretty a leg for a boot as any in the whole county." - -Old Stiffelkind roared louder. "A very nice leg, ma'am, and a very -_sheap boot too_! Vat, you did not know I make his boots! Perhaps you -did not know someting else too—p'rhaps you did not know" (and here the -monster clapped his hand on the table, and made the punch-ladle tremble -in the bowl), "p'rhaps you did not know as dat yong man, dat Stobbs, dat -sneaking, baltry, squinting fellow, is as vicked as he is ogly. He bot a -pair of boots from me and never paid for dem. Dat is noting, nobody -never pays; but he bought a pair of boots, and called himself Lord -Cornvallis. And I was fool enough to believe him vonce. But look you, -niece Magdalen, I ave got five tousand pounds, if you marry him I vil -not give you a benny; but look you, what I will gif you, I bromised you -a bresent, and I vil give you DESE!" - -And the old monster produced THOSE VERY BOOTS which Swishtail had made -him take back.... - -I _didn't_ marry Miss Crutty: I am not sorry for it though. She was a -nasty, ugly, ill-tempered wretch, and I've always said so ever since. - -And all this arose from those infernal boots, and that unlucky paragraph -in the county paper—I'll tell you how. - -In the first place, it was taken up as a quiz by one of the wicked, -profligate, unprincipled organs of the London press, who chose to be -very facetious about the "Marriage in High Life," and made all sorts of -jokes about me and my dear Miss Crutty. - -Secondly, it was read in this London paper by my mortal enemy, Bunting, -who had been introduced to old Stiffelkind's acquaintance by my -adventure with him, and had his shoes made regularly by that foreign -upstart. - -Thirdly, he happened to want a pair of shoes mended at this particular -period, and as he was measured by the disgusting old High-Dutch Cobbler, -he told him his old friend Stubbs was going to be married. - -"And to whom?" said old Stiffelkind, "to a voman wit gelt, I vil take my -oath." - -"Yes," says Bunting, "a country girl—a Miss Magdalen Carotty or Crotty, -a place called Sloffemsquiggle." - -"_Schloffemschwiegel!_" bursts out the dreadful bootmaker, "Mein Gott, -mein Gott! das geht nicht—I tell you, sare, it is no go. Miss Crotty is -my niece. I vill go down myself. I vill never let her marry dat -goot-for-noting schwindler and teif." _Such_ was the language that the -scoundrel ventured to use regarding me! - -[Illustration] - - 1839] JUNE - -[Illustration] - - - HOW TO SCREW AN AUTHOR.—_Dr. Slop's Complaint._ - -20. Mr. Serj^t. Talfourd withdrew his Copyright Bill, 1838. - -[Sidenote: Words are - Wind, - [Illustration] - all - know it. - [Illustration: _Driving a Bargain!_] - Never think - to please - a Poet.] - - O Longman, Longman, Orme, Brown, Green, and Co. - And other dons of Paternoster Row! - O enemies of authors here below, - From those who're great to those who are but so— - so; - - Against you, Slop indignant does complain, - Clanks in your face his literary chain; - Stop, tyrants! who, for your peculiar gain, - By day and night the contents of his brain - drain. - - He sows the seed, you gather in the crops; - You sack the till, and he supplies your shops; - You quaff champagne, while meanest malt and hops - Do scarcely once a fortnight enter Slop's - chops. - - So wickedly does fortune treat our crew; - So partially she deals betwixt us two; - Nothing can miserable authors do - But squeeze and squeeze, while pitilessly you - screw, - - Until you squeeze the hapless carcass dry. - For such great wrongs is there no remedy? - O, callous House of Commons! tell us why - You pass poor authors' wrongs so careless-ly - by? - - Be these the terms for literary men: - _First pay us authors_, let booksellers then - Feed after us who wield the godlike pen. - O what shall I. O. U, learn'd ION, - when, - - Thy happy bill, by law shall here prevail, - Leaving to me (and to my sons in tail), - Of all my works the profit of the sale: - As for the publishers—why, rat it, _they'll_ - fail. - -[Illustration] - - - JUNE—MARROWBONES AND CLEAVERS. - -Was there ever such confounded ill-luck? My whole life has been a tissue -of ill luck: although I have laboured, perhaps, harder than any man to -make a fortune, something always tumbled it down. In love and in war I -was not like others. In my marriages, I had an eye to the main chance; -and you see how some unlucky blow would come and throw them over. In the -army I was just as prudent, and just as unfortunate. What with judicious -betting, and horse-swapping, good luck at billiards, and economy, I do -believe I put by my pay every year,—and that is what few can say who -have but an allowance of a hundred a-year. - -I'll tell you how it was. I used to be very kind to the young men; I -chose their horses for them, and their wine; and showed them how to play -billiards, or écarté, of long mornings, when there was nothing better to -do. I didn't cheat: I'd rather die than cheat; but if fellows _will_ -play, I wasn't the man to say no—why should I? There was one young chap -in our regiment of whom I really think I cleared 300_l._ a-year. - -His name was Dobble. He was a tailor's son, and wanted to be a -gentleman. A poor, weak young creature; easy to be made tipsy: easy to -be cheated; and easy to be frightened. It was a blessing for him that I -found him; for if anybody else had, they would have plucked him of every -shilling. - -Ensign Dobble and I were sworn friends. I rode his horses for him, and -chose his champagne: and did everything, in fact, that a superior mind -does for an inferior—when the inferior has got the money. We were -inseparables—hunting everywhere in couples. We even managed to fall in -love with two sisters, as young soldiers will do, you know; for the dogs -fall in love with every change of quarters. - -Well: once, in the year 1793 (it was just when the French had chopped -poor Louis's head off), Dobble and I, gay young chaps as ever wore sword -by side, had cast our eyes upon two young ladies, by the name of -Brisket, daughters of a butcher in the town where we were quartered. The -dear girls fell in love with us, of course. And many a pleasant walk in -the country; many a treat to a tea-garden; many a smart riband and -brooch, used Dobble and I (for his father allowed him 600_l._, and our -purses were in common) to present to these young ladies. One day, fancy -our pleasure at receiving a note couched thus:— - -"Deer Capting Stubbs and Dobble—Miss Briskets presents their -compliments, and as it is probble that our papa will be till 12 at the -corprayshun dinner, we request the pleasure of their company to tea." - -Didn't we go! Punctually at six we were in the little back parlour; we -quaffed more Bohea, and made more love, than half-a-dozen ordinary men -could. At nine, a little punch-bowl succeeded to the little tea-pot; -and, bless the girls! a nice fresh steak was frizzling on the gridiron -for our supper. Butchers were butchers then, and their parlour was their -kitchen, too; at least old Brisket's was.—One door leading into the -shop, and one into the yard, on the other side of which was the -slaughter-house. - -Fancy, then, our horror when, just at this critical time, we heard the -shop door open, a heavy staggering step on the flags, and a loud husky -voice from the shop, shouting, "Hallo, Susan! hallo, Betsy! show a -light!" Dobble turned as white as a sheet; the two girls each as red as -a lobster; I alone preserved my presence of mind. "The back door," says -I.—"The dog's in the court," says they. "He's not so bad as the man," -says I. "Stop," cries Susan, flinging open the door, and rushing to the -fire: "take _this_, and perhaps it will quiet him." - -What do you think "_this_" was? I'm blest if it was not the _steak_! - -She pushed us out, patted and hushed the dog, and was in again in a -minute. The moon was shining on the court, and on the slaughter-house, -where there hung a couple of white, ghastly-looking carcasses of a -couple of sheep; a great gutter ran down the court—a gutter of _blood_!— -the dog was devouring his beefsteak (_our_ beefsteak) in silence,—and we -could see through the little window the girls bustling about to pack up -the supper-things, and presently the shop door opened, old Brisket -entered, staggering, angry, and drunk. What's more, we could see, -perched on a high stool, and nodding politely, as if to salute old -Brisket, the _feather of Dobble's cocked hat_! When Dobble saw it he -turned white, and deadly sick; and the poor fellow, in an agony of -fright, sunk shivering down upon one of the butcher's cutting blocks -which was in the yard. - -[Illustration] - -We saw old Brisket look steadily (as steadily as he could) at the -confounded impudent, pert waggling feather; and then an idea began to -dawn upon his mind, that there was a head to the hat; and then he slowly -rose up—he was a man of six feet, and fifteen stone—he rose up, put on -his apron and sleeves, and _took down his cleaver_. - -"Betsy," says he, "open the yard door." But the poor girls screamed, and -flung on their knees, and begged, and wept, and did their very best to -prevent him. "OPEN THE YARD DOOR," says he, with a thundering loud -voice; and the great bull-dog, hearing it, started up, and uttered a -yell which sent me flying to the other end of the court.—Dobble couldn't -move; he was sitting on the block, blubbering like a baby. - -The door opened, and out Mr. Brisket came. - -"_To him, Jowler_," says he, "_keep him, Jowler_,"—and the horrid dog -flew at me, and I flew back into the corner, and drew my sword, -determining to sell my life dearly. - -"That's it," says Brisket, "keep him there,—good dog,—good dog! And now, -sir," says he, turning to Dobble, "is this your hat?" - -"Yes," says Dobble, fit to choke with fright. - -"Well, then," says Brisket, "it's my—(hick)—my painful duty to—(hick)—to -tell you, that as I've got your hat, I must have your head;—it's -painful, but it must be done. You'd better—(hick)—settle yourself com— -comfumarably against that—(hick)—that block, and I'll chop it off before -you can say Jack—(hick)—no, I mean Jack Robinson." - -Dobble went down on his knees, and shrieked out, "I'm an only son, Mr. -Brisket! I'll marry her, sir; I will, upon my honour, sir.—Consider my -mother, sir; consider my mother." - -"That's it, sir," says Brisket—"that's a good boy—(hick)—a good boy; -just put your head down quietly—and I'll have it off—yes, off—as if you -were Louis the Six—the Sixtix—the Sixtickleteenth.—I'll chop the other -_chap afterwards_." - -When I heard this, I made a sudden bound back, and gave such a cry as -any man might who was in such a way. The ferocious Jowler, thinking I -was going to escape, flew at my throat; screaming furious, I flung out -my arms in a kind of desperation,—and, to my wonder, down fell the dog, -dead, and run through the body! - - * * * * * - -At this moment a posse of people rushed in upon old Brisket—one of his -daughters had had the sense to summon them—and Dobble's head was saved. -And when they saw the dog lying dead at my feet, my ghastly look, my -bloody sword, they gave me no small credit for my bravery. "A terrible -fellow, that Stubbs," said they; and so the mess said, the next day. - -I didn't tell them that the dog had committed _suicide_—why should I? -And I didn't say a word about Dobble's cowardice. I said he was a brave -fellow, and fought like a tiger; and this prevented _him_ from telling -tales. I had the dog-skin made into a pair of pistol-holsters, and -looked so fierce, and got such a name for courage in our regiment, that -when we had to meet the regulars, Bob Stubbs was always the man put -forward to support the honour of the corps. The women, you know, adore -courage; and such was my reputation at this time, that I might have had -my pick out of half-a-dozen, with three, four, or five thousand pounds -a-piece, who were dying for love of me and my red coat. But I wasn't -such a fool. I had been twice on the point of marriage, and twice -disappointed; and I vowed by all the Saints to have a wife, and a rich -one. Depend upon this, as an infallible maxim to guide you through life— -_It's as easy to get a rich wife as a poor one_;—the same bait that will -hook a fly will hook a salmon. - - JULY. [1839 - -1. New registration of births commenced, 1837. - - THE FORCE OF HABIT. {"Now, Sir, the father's name—this column—so— - {There, very well—what is it?"—"_Jones & Co.!_" - - * * * * * - - - SO-HO-LOGICAL SOCIETY. - -At the annual July meeting of this renowned establishment, petitions -were presented from the animals of the menagerie, respecting their -grievances: the following were the greatest cases of hardship:—The -Carnivora, in a body, complained of a diminution and recent alteration -in their diet; the Society having, from a regard to economy and its -diminished finances, changed their food from good ox beef to asses' -flesh. They feared that, should they become addicted to this kind of -viand, they might, in a moment of desperation, be tempted, from the -similarity, to make free with the bodies of any of the members that came -in their way, a piece of ingratitude of which the great brown bruin, in -particular, said he could not bear the thought. The Royal Tigers -complained that some of their family had been carried off by a disorder -resembling the "King's evil;" this they attributed to the Society's -being under Royal patronage, which they had, in the course of their -travels, observed to be fatal in many other establishments. The Dogs -begged that, if they were to have no more meat, they might, at least, be -indulged with a copy of "South on the Bones." The beasts and birds, -generally, declared themselves ashamed of the shabby appearance of their -friends in the Museum, asserting that, living and dead, they were alike -badly stuffed. The Parrots spoke of the smallness of their cages, which, -they entreated, might be enlarged in dimensions by at least a perch or -two. The whole tribe of Simiæ, like the Baronets, prayed for a badge of -distinction. They stated that their appearance was so closely imitated -by numerous individuals who crowded around their cages on fine days in -the fashionable season, that their visitors did not know one from the -other, and frequently asked "Which _are_ the monkeys?" - -All the animals prayed the benefit of clergy for the remission of their -Sunday fasts, and implored the Bishop of London, though he could not get -them a holiday on that day, to at least interfere to procure them a -dinner. - -15. St Swithin begins to _reign_. Umbrellas look up. - -[Illustration] - - - JULY.—SUMMERY PROCEEDINGS. - -Dobble's reputation for courage was not increased by the butcher's-dog -adventure; but mine stood very high: little Stubbs was voted the boldest -chap of all the bold North-Bungays. And though I must confess, what was -proved by subsequent circumstances, that Nature has _not_ endowed me -with a large, or even, I may say, an average share of bravery, yet a man -is very willing to flatter himself of the contrary; and, after a little -time, I got to believe that my killing the dog was an action of -undaunted courage; and that I was as gallant as any one of the hundred -thousand heroes of our army. I always had a military taste—it's only the -brutal part of the profession, the horrid fighting, and blood, that I -don't like. - -I suppose the regiment was not very brave itself—being only militia; -but, certain it was that Stubbs was considered a most terrible fellow, -and I swore so much, and looked so fierce, that you would have fancied I -had made half a hundred campaigns. I was second in several duels; the -umpire in all disputes; and such a crack-shot myself that fellows were -shy of insulting me. As for Dobble, I took him under my protection; and -he became so attached to me that we ate, drank, and rode together, every -day; his father didn't care for money, so long as his son was in good -company—and what so good as that of the celebrated Stubbs? Heigho! I -_was_ good company in those days, and a brave fellow, too, as I should -have remained, but for—what I shall tell the public immediately. - -It happened, in the fatal year ninety-six, that the brave North-Bungays -were quartered at Portsmouth; a maritime place, which I need not -describe, and which I wish I had never seen. I might have been a General -now, or, at least, a rich man. - -The red-coats carried everything before them in those days; and I, such -a crack character as I was in my regiment, was very well received by the -towns-people; many dinners I had; many tea-parties; many lovely young -ladies did I lead down the pleasant country-dances. - -Well; although I had had the two former rebuffs in love, which I have -described, my heart was still young; and the fact was, knowing that a -girl with a fortune was my only chance, I made love here as furiously as -ever. I shan't describe the lovely creatures on whom I had fixed whilst -at Portsmouth. I tried more than—several—and it is a singular fact, -which I never have been able to account for, that, successful as I was -with ladies of maturer age, by the young ones I was refused regular. - -But "faint heart never won fair lady;" and so I went on, and on, until I -had really got a Miss Clopper, a tolerably rich navy-contractor's -daughter, into such a way that I really don't think she could have -refused me. Her brother, Captain Clopper, was in a line regiment, and -helped me as much as ever he could; he swore I was such a brave fellow. - -As I had received a number of attentions from Clopper, I determined to -invite him to dinner; which I could do without any sacrifice of my -principle, upon this point; for the fact is, Dobble lived at an inn—and -as he sent all his bills to his father, I made no scruple to use his -table. We dined in the coffee-room; Dobble bringing his friend, and so -we made a party _carry_, as the French say. Some naval officers were -occupied in a similar way at a table next to ours. - -Well—I didn't spare the bottle, either for myself or my friends; and we -grew very talkative, and very affectionate as the drinking went on. Each -man told stories of his gallantry in the field, or amongst the ladies, -as officers will, after dinner. Clopper confided to the company his wish -that I should marry his sister, and vowed that he thought me the best -fellow in Christendom. - -Ensign Dobble assented to this—"But let Miss Clopper beware," says he, -"for Stubbs is a sad fellow; he has had I don't know how many _liaisons_ -already; and he has been engaged to I don't know how many women." - -"Indeed!" says Clopper. "Come, Stubbs, tell us your adventures." - -"Psha!" said I, modestly, "there is nothing, indeed, to tell; I have -been in love, my dear boy—who has not?—and I have been jilted—who has -not?" - -Clopper swore that he would blow his sister's brains out if ever _she_ -served me so. - -"Tell him about Miss Crutty," said Dobble; "he! he! Stubbs served _that_ -woman out, any how; she didn't jilt _him_, I'll be sworn." - -"Really, Dobble, you are too bad, and should not mention names; the fact -is, the girl was desperately in love with me, and had money—sixty -thousand pounds, upon my reputation. Well, everything was arranged, -when, who should come down from London, but a relation." - -"Well; and did he prevent the match?" - -"Prevent it—yes, sir, I believe you, he did; though not in the sense -that _you_ mean; he would have given his eyes: ay, and ten thousand -pounds more, if I would have accepted the girl, but I would not." - -"Why, in the name of goodness?" - -"Sir, her uncle was a _shoemaker_. I never would debase myself by -marrying into such a family." - -"Of course not," said Dobble, "he couldn't, you know. Well, now—tell him -about the other girl, Mary Waters, you know." - -"Hush, Dobble, hush! don't you see one of those naval officers has -turned round and heard you? My dear Clopper, it was a mere childish -bagatelle." - -"Well, but let's have it," said Clopper, "let's have it; I won't tell my -sister, you know;" and he put his hand to his nose, and looked monstrous -wise. - -"Nothing of that sort, Clopper—no, no—'pon honour—little Bob Stubbs is -no _libertine_; and the story is very simple. You see that my father has -a small place, merely a few hundred acres, at Sloffemsquiggle. Isn't it -a funny name? Hang it, there's the naval gentleman staring again,—(I -looked terribly fierce as I returned this officer's stare, and continued -in a loud, careless voice) well—at this Sloffemsquiggle there lived a -girl, a Miss Waters, the niece of some blackguard apothecary in the -neighbourhood; but my mother took a fancy to the girl, and had her up to -the park, and petted her. We were both young—and—and—the girl fell in -love with me, that's the fact. I was obliged to repel some rather warm -advances that she made me; and here, upon my honour as a gentleman, you -have all the story about which that silly Dobble makes such a noise." - -Just as I finished this sentence, I found myself suddenly taken by the -nose, and a voice shouting out,— - -"Mr. Stubbs, you are A LIAR AND A SCOUNDREL! take this, sir,—and this, -for daring to meddle with the name of an innocent lady." - -I turned round as well as I could, for the ruffian had pulled me out of -my chair, and beheld a great marine monster, six feet high, who was -occupied in beating and kicking me, in the most ungentlemanly manner, on -my cheeks, my ribs, and between the tails of my coat. "He is a liar, -gentlemen, and a scoundrel; the bootmaker had detected him in swindling, -and so his niece refused him. Miss Waters was engaged to him from -childhood, and he deserted her for the bootmaker's niece, who was -richer;"—and then sticking a card between my stock and my coat-collar, -in what is called the scruff of my neck, the disgusting brute gave me -another blow behind my back, and left the coffee-room with his friends. - -Dobble raised me up; and taking the card from my neck, read, CAPTAIN -WATERS. Clopper poured me out a glass of water, and said in my ear, "If -this is true, you are an infernal scoundrel, Stubbs; and must fight me, -after Captain Waters," and he flounced out of the room. - -I had but one course to pursue. I sent the Captain a short and -contemptuous note, saying, that he was beneath my anger. As for Clopper, -I did not condescend to notice his remark; but in order to get rid of -the troublesome society of these low blackguards, I determined to -gratify an inclination I had long entertained, and make a little tour. I -applied for leave of absence, and set off _that very night_. I can fancy -the disappointment of the brutal Waters, on coming, as he did, the next -morning, to my quarters and finding me _gone_, ha! ha! - -After this adventure I became sick of a military life—at least, the life -of my own regiment, where the officers, such was their unaccountable -meanness and prejudice against me, absolutely refused to see me at mess. -Colonel Craw sent me a letter to this effect, which I treated as it -deserved.—I never once alluded to it in any way, and have since never -spoken a single word to any man in the North-Bungays. - - - _Association of British Illuminati, to be held in the Town Hall, - Birmingham, in August, 1839._ - - [We have been specially favoured with an account of some of the most - important affairs to be transacted at the 1839 meeting; many of - which, from the general inaccuracy of the published report, will, - perhaps, not meet the public eye in any other way.] - -The Lions of the day from all parts of the world are pledged to be -present, among others those of Mr. Van Amburgh. The man with the goats -and monkeys as yet sticks out for terms. Miss Amany Amal and sisters -will remain in this country, and attend, by permission from the Adelphi, -to communicate their interesting discoveries in Indian Toe-pography. The -president of the Nose-all-ogical Society will be engaged, as also Grace -Darling, if not too dear. - -A Deputation from the Female Temperance Society will wait on the section -devoted to the investigation of mesmerism, to know if they may take -infinitesimal doses of brandy in their tea; and the section of moral -science will be requested, for the satisfaction of the scrupulous, to -state whether persons who abjure gin, rum, and brandy, because they do -not like them, are, therefore, fit members of a temperance society. - -Professor Murphy will announce his discovery of the real philosopher's -stone, by which he will prove to them the possibility of converting all -sorts of rubbish into gold. It is intended to present to him the freedom -of the town in a brass snuff-box. - -Dr. Crow will read a paper on the sagacity of rooks, in which he will -propound and defend the extraordinary conjecture that they never make a -noise without caws. - -A Deputation from the Fellows of the Zoological Society will attend, to -request the Homœopathic section to devise some means for the application -of animal magnetism to the purpose of drawing more visitors to the -menagerie. Many of the public, it seems, are cured of their wish for -seeing "by smelling only;" and as it is supposed that the council "nose" -all about it, they will now begin to _vent-too-late_. - -Mr. Owen will attempt to explain his plans for getting rid of old -discord by the establishment of New Harmony, and his peculiar notions of -the preservation of peace, by the disposal of the ladies on the -circulating library principle. Should he prove unable to make his views -clear, either to his auditors or himself, he will finish with a -catalogue of his own perfections, accompanied on the trumpet stop of the -town organ. - -Mrs. Graham and her husband will cause to be read to the meeting a -paper, detailing numerous experiments, all tending to prove that it is a -popular fallacy to suppose that balloons have a tendency to rise in the -air. - -Mr. Curtis will exhibit his celebrated acoustic chair, and explain its -capabilities. He will display the gold medal presented to him by -Government for the loan of it during the last year, and will show how a -foreign or colonial secretary may slumber in it from morn till night, -and yet hear what is going on all over the world. Mr. Curtis will -further develope, by experiments on all who choose to try, its amazing -property, by which a gentleman has only to sit in the chair, and appear -to sleep, when he will be astonished to hear what all the world says of -him. - -Mr. Serjeant Talfourd will read a paper on the wrongs of authors, and -instance many affecting cases in which, after having been allowed to -live in splendour for a few years, they have been so reduced, by the -illiberality of the trade and the ingratitude of the public, as to -actually want a bottle of Champagne. He will illustrate the state of -civil degradation to which they are reduced by the fact that at one of -his literary dinners, a gentleman who had laboured in the Grub Street -line all his life, actually did not know the names of some of the dishes -set before him. Mr. Babbage will follow, with calculations produced by -his machine, proving that every book is profitable, and that booksellers -have neither rent, taxes, stock, nor bad debts to trouble them. He will -allude to the fact of a West-end publisher having lately retired with a -competence, and will suggest the propriety of a special meeting to -inquire into the circumstances of such an atrocity. He will be supported -by Captain Ross, who, however, will _not_ state that author-ship is the -worst vessel in which he ever put to sea. - -Professor Fang, of Manchester, will present an interesting series of -tests for ascertaining the existence of the vital principle in Factory -children after they drop; and will suggest various novel stimulants when -the billy roller has ceased to be effective. He will point out the evil -of legislating on the subject of their ages, of which he will show the -impossibility of obtaining the requisite proofs, arising from that -beautiful economy of nature which bestows nothing in vain, and, -therefore, withholds from them the usual supply of teeth, seeing that -they have no time to use them. - -Dr. Doubledose will communicate some interesting discoveries in the -science of taw-tology, illustrated with real marbles. All the town's -boys will be allowed to stand at this sitting. - -Many other elaborate papers will be read to the various sections; but, -as they will generally be about nothing, it is considered that they need -trouble nobody. - -Mrs. Williams, of the Old Bailey, will attend, for the accommodation of -the visitors, with a copious supply of pewter plates, two-pronged forks, -and handsome waiting maids; and a constant succession of buttocks and -flanks, hot and hot, will be received by every train from Euston Square. - -The inhabitants of the town are determined to shew their hospitality to -the illustrious strangers they expect, and all the bachelors of arts and -unmarried professors will be warmly welcomed at the houses of the single -ladies. - -[Illustration] - - 1839.] AUGUST. - -1. Abolition of Negro Slavery, 1834; of Negro Apprenticeship, 1838. - -[Illustration: - - St. Swithin at his post. -] - - - CHESS.—"BLACK MOVES AND WINS." - - Dozing in his easy chair, - Round his nose mosquitoes flitting, - Sweltering in the sunny air, - Was Nine-tail Joe of Kingston sitting. - - Now Nine-tailed Joe loved cheerfulness, - And he chanced in a pleasant mood to be, - So he flogged his niggers, and played at chess, - And drank a full jorum of Sangaree. - - What can be the matter with flogging Joe? - His eyes are rolling to and fro, - And he rubs his nose with his finger and thumb, - And gasps to speak, like one that is dumb. - - The forms that lately were pawns and knights, - And bishops, and queens, and kings, - Were reeling and wheeling, like so many sprites, - Or other unearthly things. - - And beings all fearfully black were there, - And they roll'd their eyes at Joe, - And wildly flourished the _cat_ in air, - And danced to "Jump Jim Crow." - - Before them fled both bishop and knight, - While pawn and king were seen - Rolling and tumbling, in awful plight,— - Decorum was gone, and they fled outright,— - And surely it was a most terrible sight - When the bishop fell over the queen. - - With burning head and aching heart, - Up from his chair did the planter start: - But the vision had fled, and there, instead - Of dancing niggers' furious tread, - Was seen the _Bill_, the dreadful Bill, - The Whiggish Act of Slavery, - That made him rich against his will, - And stopped him in his knavery. - - —————— - - The planter's dream doth plainly seem - To point a moral deep: - If you choose to whack a nigger's back, - You should never go to sleep. - - - AUGUST.—DOGS HAVE THEIR DAYS. - -See, now, what life is; I have had ill-luck on ill-luck from that day to -this. I have sunk in the world, and, instead of riding my horse and -drinking my wine, as a real gentleman should, have hardly enough now to -buy a pint of ale; ay, and am very glad when anybody will treat me to -one. Why, why was I born to undergo such unmerited misfortunes? - -You must know that very soon after my adventure with Miss Crutty, and -that cowardly ruffian, Captain Waters (he sailed the day after his -insult to me, or I should most certainly have blown his brains out; -_now_ he is living in England, and is my relation; but, of course, I cut -the fellow). Very soon after these painful events another happened, -which ended, too, in a sad disappointment. My dear papa died, and -instead of leaving five thousand pounds as I expected, at the very -least, left only his estate, which was worth but two. The land and house -were left to me; to mamma and my sisters he left, to be sure, a sum of -two thousand pounds in the hands of that eminent firm, Messrs. Pump, -Aldgate, and Co., which failed within six months after his demise; and -paid in five years about one shilling and ninepence in the pound; which -really was all my dear mother and sisters had to live upon. - -The poor creatures were quite unused to money matters; and, would you -believe it? when the news came of Pump and Aldgate's failure, mamma only -smiled, and threw her eyes up to Heaven, and said, "Blessed be God, that -we have still wherewithal to live: there are tens of thousands in this -world, dear children, who would count our poverty riches." And with this -she kissed my two sisters, who began to blubber, as girls always will -do, and threw their arms round her neck, and then round my neck, until I -was half stifled with their embraces, and slobbered all over with their -tears. - -"Dearest mamma," said I, "I am very glad to see the noble manner in -which you bear your loss; and more still to know that you are so rich as -to be able to put up with it." The fact was, I really thought the old -lady had got a private hoard of her own, as many of them have—a thousand -pounds or so in a stocking. Had she put by thirty pounds a year, as well -she might, for the thirty years of her marriage, there would have been -nine hundred pounds clear, and no mistake. But still I was angry to -think that any such paltry concealment had been practised—concealment -too of _my_ money; so I turned on her pretty sharply, and continued my -speech. "You say, ma'am, that you are rich, and that Pump and Aldgate's -failure has no effect upon you. I am very happy to hear you say so, -ma'am—very happy that you _are_ rich; and I should like to know where -your property, my father's property, for you had none of your own,—I -should like to know where this money lies—_where you have concealed it_, -ma'am, and permit me to say, that when I agreed to board you and my two -sisters for eighty pounds a year, I did not know that you had _other_ -resources than those mentioned in my blessed father's will." - -This I said to her because I hated the meanness of concealment, not -because I lost by the bargain of boarding them, for the three poor -things did not eat much more than sparrows; and I've often since -calculated that I had a clear twenty pounds a year profit out of them. - -Mamma and the girls looked quite astonished when I made the speech. -"What does he mean?" said Lucy to Eliza. - -Mamma repeated the question, "My beloved Robert, what concealment are -you talking of?" - -"I am talking of concealed property, ma'am," says I, sternly. - -"And do you—what—can you—do you really suppose that I have concealed—any -of that blessed sa-a-a-aint's prop-op-op-operty?" screams out mamma. -"Robert," says she, "Bob, my own darling boy—my fondest, best beloved, -now _he_ is gone" (meaning my late governor—more tears), "you don't, you -cannot fancy that your own mother, who bore you, and nursed you, and -wept for you, and would give her all to save you from a moment's harm— -you don't suppose that she would che-e-e-eat you?" and here she gave a -louder screech than ever, and flung back on the sofa, and one of my -sisters went and tumbled into her arms, and t'other went round, and the -kissing and slobbering scene went on again, only I was left out, thank -goodness; I hate such sentimentality. - -"_Che-e-e-at me_," says I, mocking her. "What do you mean, then, by -saying you're so rich? Say, have you got money or have you not?" (and I -rapped out a good number of oaths, too, which I don't put in here; but I -was in a dreadful fury, that's the fact). - -"So help me, Heaven," says mamma, in answer, going down on her knees, -and smacking her two hands; "I have but a Queen Anne's guinea in the -whole of this wicked world." - -"Then what, madam, induces you to tell these absurd stories to me, and -to talk about your riches, when you know that you and your daughters are -beggars, ma'am—_beggars_?" - -"My dearest boy, have we not got the house, and the furniture, and a -hundred a year still; and have you not great talents which will make all -our fortunes?" says Mrs. Stubbs, getting up off her knees, and making -believe to smile as she clawed hold of my hand and kissed it. - -This was _too_ cool. "_You_ have got a hundred a year, ma'am," says I, -"_you_ got a house: upon my soul and honour this is the first I ever -heard of it, and I'll tell you what, ma'am," says I (and it cut her -_pretty sharply_ too), "as you've got it, _you'd better go and live in -it_. I've got quite enough to do with my own house, and every penny of -my own income." - -Upon this speech the old lady said nothing, but she gave a screech loud -enough to be heard from here to York, and down she fell—kicking and -struggling in a regular fit. - - * * * * * - -I did not see Mrs. Stubbs for some days after this, and the girls used -to come down to meals, and never speak; going up again and stopping with -their mother. At last, one day, both of them came in very solemn to my -study, and Eliza, the eldest, said, "Robert, mamma has paid you our -board up to Michaelmas." - -"She has," says I; for I always took precious good care to have it in -advance. - -"She says, John, that on Michaelmas day we'll—we'll go away, John." - -"Oh, she's going to her own house, is she, Lizzy? very good; she'll want -the furniture, I suppose, and that she may have, too, for I'm going to -sell the place myself;" and so _that_ matter was settled. - - * * * * * - -On Michaelmas day, and during these two months, I hadn't, I do believe, -seen my mother twice (once, about two o'clock in the morning, I woke and -found her sobbing over my bed). On Michaelmas day morning, Eliza comes -to me and says, "_John, they will come and fetch us at six this -evening._" Well, as this was the last day, I went and got the best goose -I could find (I don't think I ever saw a primer, or ate more hearty -myself), and had it roasted at three, with a good pudding afterwards; -and a glorious bowl of punch. "Here's a health to you, dear girls," says -I, "and you, ma, and good luck to all three, and as you've not eaten a -morsel, I hope you wont object to a glass of punch. It's the old stuff, -you know, ma'am, that that Waters sent to my father fifteen years ago." - -Six o'clock came, and with it came a fine barouche, as I live! Captain -Waters was on the box (it was his coach); that old thief, Bates, jumped -out, entered my house, and before I could say Jack Robinson, whipped off -mamma to the carriage, the girls followed, just giving me a hasty shake -of the hand, and as mamma was helped in, Mary Waters, who was sitting -inside, flung her arms round her, and then round the girls, and the -Doctor, who acted footman, jumped on the box, and off they went; taking -no more notice of _me_ than if I'd been a nonentity. - -There's the picture of the whole business: That's mamma and Miss Waters -sitting kissing each other in the carriage, with the two girls in the -back seat; Waters driving (a precious bad driver he is, too); and that's -me, standing at the garden door, and whistling. You can't see Mary -Malowney; the old fool is crying behind the garden gate: she went off -next day along with the furniture; and I got into that precious scrape -which I shall mention next. - - SEPTEMBER. [1839. - -[Illustration] - - - HARVEY _versus_ JARVEY. - A MOLONCHOLY CASE. - - Well, here's a fine beginning all along of these here Harveys; - Sure-ly they're getting the whip-hand of all us honest jarvies; - To rob us of our fare is like depriving us of vittle, - And giving us no meat to cut, but leaving us a Whittle. - The watermen are all in tears,—it's fitting you should know, - That the stopping of our going is to them a tale of "Wo;" - And the 'osses stands, quite sad to see, besides the crib in vain, - And wonders whether they shall ever taste a bit again. - Now they're gettin' out of natur, for their raws is all a healing, - And soon they'll be onsenseless brutes, without a bit of feeling. - Or else they'll pine away so fast, the knackers scarce will skin 'em, - For they miss the bits of thrashing just to keep the life within 'em, - And the cuts that makes 'em lively, arter waiting in the street, - For 'tis but being on the stand that keeps 'em on their feet. - Now, blow'd if I can understand this here licensious day. - Unless it means the taking all our licence quite away. - And then, again, for characters, how very hard they use 'em, - Both them as vainly strive to find, and those who'd gladly lose 'em. - The cads look quite cadaverous, to think there's such a fuss - At their stepping from the treadmill, to the step behind a 'bus. - But here's the greatest grief, and sure it makes one choke to put on - A libel to one's neck, just like cheap cag-mag-scrag of mutton; - There's nothing stares us in the face but rueful ruination, - So there's my ticket, and I'll seek some more genteel vocation. - -7. Jerusalem demolished by Titus, A.D. 70. - -[Illustration: - - _Land Sharks and Sea Gulls._ -] - -[Illustration] - - Old Isaac's so given to bite us, - In bargains whenever we meet, - That I wish we'd a similar Titus - To batter down Holywell Street. - -23. College of Physicians incorporated, 1518. - - 'Twere fair revenge to give no quarter, - But pound the doctors in their mortar. - - - SEPTEMBER.—PLUCKING A GOOSE. - -After my papa's death, as he left me no money, and only a little land, I -put my estate into an auctioneer's hands, and determined to amuse my -solitude with a trip to some of our fashionable watering-places. My -house was now a desert to me. I need not say how the departure of my -dear parent, and her children, left me sad and lonely. - -Well, I had a little ready money, and, for the estate, expected a couple -of thousand pounds. I had a good military-looking person; for though I -had absolutely cut the old North-Bungays (indeed, after my affair with -Waters, Colonel Craw hinted to me, in the most friendly manner, that I -had better resign), though I had left the army, I still retained the -rank of Captain; knowing the advantages attendant upon that title, in a -watering-place tour. - -Captain Stubbs became a great dandy at Cheltenham, Harrogate, Bath, -Leamington, and other places. I was a good whist and billiard-player; so -much so, that in many of these towns the people used to refuse, at last, -to play with me, knowing how far I was their superior. Fancy, my -surprise, about five years after the Portsmouth affair, when strolling -one day up the High Street, in Leamington, my eyes lighted upon a young -man, whom I remembered in a certain butcher's yard, and elsewhere—no -other, in fact, than Dobble. He, too, was dressed _en militaire_, with a -frogged coat and spurs; and was walking with a showy-looking, -Jewish-faced, black-haired lady, glittering with chains and rings, with -a green bonnet, and a bird of Paradise—a lilac shawl, a yellow gown, -pink silk stockings, and light blue shoes. Three children, and a -handsome footman, were walking behind her, and the party, not seeing me, -entered the Royal Hotel together. - -I was known, myself, at the Royal, and calling one of the waiters, -learned the names of the lady and gentleman. He was Captain Dobble, the -son of the rich army clothier, Dobble (Dobble, Hobble, and Co., of Pall -Mall); the lady was a Mrs. Manasseh, widow of an American Jew, living -quietly at Leamington with her children, but possessed of an immense -property. There's no use to give one's self out to be an absolute -pauper, so the fact is, that I myself went everywhere with the character -of a man of very large means. My father had died, leaving me immense -sums of money, and landed estates—ah! I was the gentleman then, the real -gentleman, and everybody was too happy to have me at table. - -Well, I came the next day, and left a card for Dobble, with a note: he -neither returned my visit, nor answered my note. The day after, however, -I met him with the widow, as before; and, going up to him, very kindly -seized him by the hand, and swore I was—as really was the case—charmed -to see him. Dobble hung back, to my surprise, and I do believe the -creature would have cut me, if he dared; but I gave him a frown, and -said— - -"What, Dobble, my boy, don't you recollect old Stubbs, and our adventure -with the butcher's daughters, ha?" - -Dobble gave me a sickly kind of grin, and said, "Oh! ah! yes! It is—yes! -it is, I believe, Captain Stubbs." - -"An old comrade, madam, of Captain Dobble's, and one who has heard so -much, and seen so much, of your ladyship, that he must take the liberty -of begging his friend to introduce him." - -Dobble was obliged to take the hint; and Captain Stubbs was duly -presented to Mrs. Manasseh; the lady was as gracious as possible: and -when, at the end of the walk, we parted, she said, "she hoped Captain -Dobble would bring me to her apartments that evening, where she expected -a few friends." Everybody, you see, knows everybody at Leamington; and -I, for my part, was well known as a retired officer of the army; who, on -his father's death, had come into seven thousand a year. Dobble's -arrival had been subsequent to mine, but putting up, as he did, at the -Royal Hotel, and dining at the ordinary there with the widow, he had -made his acquaintance before I had. I saw, however, that if I allowed -him to talk about me, as he could, I should be compelled to give up all -my hopes and pleasures at Leamington; and so I determined to be short -with him. As soon as the lady had gone into the hotel, my friend Dobble -was for leaving me likewise; but I stopped him, and said, "Mr. Dobble, I -saw what you meant just now: you wanted to cut me, because, forsooth, I -did not choose to fight a duel at Portsmouth; now look you, Dobble, I am -no hero, but I'm not such a coward as you—and you know it. You are a -very different man to deal with from Waters; and _I will fight_ this -time." - -Not, perhaps, that I would: but after the business of the butcher, I -knew Dobble to be as great a coward as ever lived: and there never was -any harm in threatening, for you know you are not obliged to stick to it -afterwards. My words had their effect upon Dobble, who stuttered, and -looked red, and then declared, he never had the slightest intention of -passing me by; so we became friends, and his mouth was stopped. - -He was very thick with the widow: but that lady had a very capacious -heart, and there were a number of other gentlemen who seemed equally -smitten with her. "Look at that Mrs. Manasseh," said a gentleman (it was -droll, _he_ was a Jew, too), sitting at dinner by me; "she is old and -ugly, and yet because she has money, all the men are flinging themselves -at her." - -"She has money, has she?" - -"Eighty thousand pounds, and twenty thousand for each of her children. I -know it _for a fact_," said the strange gentleman. "I am in the law, and -we, of our faith, you know, know pretty well what the great families -amongst us are worth." - -"Who was Mr. Manasseh?" - -"A man of enormous wealth—a tobacco-merchant—West Indies; a fellow of no -birth, however; and who, between ourselves, married a woman that is not -much better than she should be. My dear sir," whispered he, "she is -always in love—now it is with that Captain Dobble; last week it was -somebody else; and it may be you next week, if—ha! ha! ha!—you are -disposed to enter the lists." - -"I wouldn't, for _my_ part, have the woman with twice her money." - -What did it matter to me, whether the woman was good or not, provided -she was rich? My course was quite clear. I told Dobble all that this -gentleman had informed me, and being a pretty good hand at making a -story, I made the widow appear _so_ bad, that the poor fellow was quite -frightened, and fairly quitted the field. Ha! ha! I'm dashed if I did -not make him believe that Mrs. Manasseh had _murdered_ her last husband. - -I played my game so well, thanks to the information that my friend the -lawyer had given me, that, in a month, I had got the widow to show a -most decided partiality for me. I sat by her at dinner; I drank with her -at the Wells; I rode with her; I danced with her; and at a pic-nic to -Kenilworth, where we drank a good deal of champagne, I actually popped -the question, and was accepted. In another month, Robert Stubbs, Esq., -led to the altar Leah, widow of the late Z. Manasseh, Esq., of St. -Kitt's! - - * * * * * - -We drove up to London in her comfortable chariot; the children and -servants following in a post-chaise. I paid, of course, for everything; -and until our house in Berkeley Square was painted, we stopped at -Stevens's Hotel. - - * * * * * - -My own estate had been sold, and the money was lying at a bank, in the -city. About three days after our arrival, as we took our breakfast in -the hotel, previous to a visit to Mrs. Stubbs's banker, where certain -little transfers were to be made, a gentleman was introduced, who, I saw -at a glance, was of my wife's persuasion. - -He looked at Mrs. Stubbs, and made a bow. "Perhaps it will be convenient -to you to pay this little bill, one hundred and fifty-two poundsh?" - -"My love," says she, "will you pay this? It is a trifle which I had -really forgotten." "My soul!" said I, "I have really not the money in -the house." - -"Vel, denn, Captain Shtubbsh," says he, "I must do my duty—and arrest -you—here is the writ! Tom, keep the door!"—My wife fainted—the children -screamed, and I—fancy my condition, as I was obliged to march off to a -sponging house, along with a horrid sheriff's officer! - -[Illustration] - - 1839.] OCTOBER. - -[Illustration] - - - "OTHELLO'S OCCUPATION'S GONE." - -1. Abolition of arrest on suspicion of debt, 1838. - -[Illustration: - - The ghost of a "Bailey.' - - "Remember thee? Ay, thou poor ghost!" -] - -[Illustration: - - Share and share alike. -] - - ——Right little grieve I - To take my leave of all the tribe of Levi! - I care not now whom I may chance to meet - In Chancery Lane or Carey Street; - Gentile or Jew, or neither, or what not, - The bailiff's occupation's gone to pot, - And all their sport, thank common sense, is over; - Unless you find a man to swear, - That he heard another man declare, - That as he was walking the streets one day, - He met with Jones, who was heard to say, - That Smith intended to run away, - Across the straits of Dover. - But, any way, it does seem rather funny - To lock a man within four walls, and bid him seek for money. - There's no occasion now for me to hide, - Tho' once I was a deeply versed _court guide_; - I fear not now a single rap, - Nor startle at a tap. - From my boot's sole to my hat crown, - I'll have it all set down; - As to my tailleur, his suit's a failure, - And talking of a writ, quite a mis-fit; - So, spite his measures, I'll take my pleasures; - And, since for debt I need not run away, - Shall I, like vulgar traders, stoop to pay? - Nay! - -10. Dividends due. - -[Illustration: - - A _Prescription_. -] - - Philosophers sagely declare, - Without reservation or stealth, - That the source of true happiness here - Is an equal division of wealth. - -20. Battle of Navarino, 1827. - - - OCTOBER.—MARS AND VENUS IN OPPOSITION. - -I shall not describe my feelings when I found myself in a cage in -Cursitor-street, instead of that fine house in Berkeley Square, which -was to have been mine as the husband of Mrs. Manasseh. What a palace!—in -an odious, dismal street leading from Chancery Lane,—a hideous Jew boy -opened the second of three doors; and shut it when Mr. Nabb and I -(almost fainting) had entered: then he opened the third door, and then I -was introduced to a filthy place, called a coffee-room, which I -exchanged for the solitary comfort of a little dingy back-parlour, where -I was left for a while to brood over my miserable fate. Fancy the change -between this and Berkeley Square! Was I, after all my pains, and -cleverness, and perseverance, cheated at last? Had this Mrs. Manasseh -been imposing upon me, and were the words of the wretch I met at the -_table-d'hôte_ at Leamington, only meant to mislead me and take me in? I -determined to send for my wife, and know the whole truth. I saw at once -that I had been the victim of an infernal plot, and that the carriage, -the house in town, the West India fortune, were only so many lies which -I had blindly believed. It was true the debt was but a hundred and fifty -pounds: and I had two thousand at my bankers. But was the loss of _her_ -£80,000 nothing? Was the destruction of my hopes nothing?—The accursed -addition to my family of a Jewish wife, and three Jewish children, -nothing? And all these I was to support out of my two thousand pounds. I -had better have stopped at home, with my mamma and sisters, whom I -really did love, and who produced me eighty pounds a-year. - -I had a furious interview with Mrs. Stubbs; and when I charged her, the -base wretch! with cheating me, like a brazen serpent, as she was, she -flung back the cheat in my teeth, and swore I had swindled her. Why did -I marry her, when she might have had twenty others? She only took me, -she said, because I had twenty thousand pounds. I _had_ said I possessed -that sum; but in love, you know, and war, all's fair. - -We parted quite as angrily as we met; and I cordially vowed that when I -had paid the debt into which I had been swindled by her, I would take my -£2,000, and depart to some desert island; or, at the very least, to -America, and never see her more, or any of her Israelitish brood. There -was no use in remaining in the sponging-house (for I knew that there -were such things as detainers, and that where Mrs. Stubbs owed a hundred -pounds, she might owe a thousand), so I sent for Mr. Nabb, and tendering -him a cheque for £150, and his costs, requested to be let out forthwith. -"Here, fellow," said I, "is a cheque on Child's for your paltry sum." - -"It may be a shech on Shild's," says Mr. Nabb, "but I should be a baby -to let you out on such a paper as dat." - -"Well," said I, "Child's is but a step from this; you may go and get the -cash,—just giving me an acknowledgment." - -Nabb drew out the acknowledgment with great punctuality, and set off for -the Bankers, whilst I prepared myself for departure from this abominable -prison. - -He smiled as he came in. "Well," said I, "you have touched your money; -and now, I must tell you, that you are the most infernal rogue and -extortioner I ever met with." - -"O no, mishter Shtubbsh," says he, grinning still, "dere is som greater -roag dan me,—mosh greater." - -"Fellow," says I, "don't stand grinning before a gentleman; but give me -my hat and cloak, and let me leave your filthy den." - -"Shtop, Shtubbsh," says he, not even Mistering me this time, "here ish a -letter, vich you had better read." - -I opened the letter: something fell to the ground:—it was my cheque. - -The letter ran thus: "Messrs. Child and Co. present their compliments to -Captain Stubbs, and regret that they have been obliged to refuse payment -of the enclosed, having been served this day with an attachment by -Messrs. Solomonson and Co., which compels them to retain Captain -Stubbs's balance of £2010 11_s._ 6_d._ until the decision of the suit of -Solomonson v. Stubbs. - -"Fleet Street." - -"You see," says Mr. Nabb, as I read this dreadful letter, "you see, -Shtubbsh, dere vas two debts,—a littel von, and a big von. So dey -arrested you for de littel von, and attashed your money for de big von." - - * * * * * - -Don't laugh at me for telling this story: if you knew what tears are -blotting over the paper as I write it; if you knew that for weeks after -I was more like a madman than a sane man,—a madman in the Fleet Prison, -where I went, instead of to the desert island. What had I done to -deserve it? Hadn't I always kept an eye to the main chance? Hadn't I -lived economically, and not like other young men? Had I ever been known -to squander or give away a single penny? No! I can lay my hand on my -heart, and, thank Heaven, say, No! Why—why was I punished so? - -Let me conclude this miserable history. Seven months—my wife saw me once -or twice, and then dropped me altogether—I remained in that fatal place. -I wrote to my dear mamma, begging her to sell her furniture, but got no -answer. All my old friends turned their backs upon me. My action went -against me—I had not a penny to defend it. Solomonson proved my wife's -debt, and seized my two thousand pounds.—As for the detainer against me, -I was obliged to go through the court for the relief of insolvent -debtors. I passed through it, and came out a beggar. But, fancy the -malice of that wicked Stiffelkind; he appeared in court as my creditor -for £3, with sixteen years' interest, at five per cent., for a PAIR OF -TOP-BOOTS. The old thief produced them in court, and told the whole -story—Lord Cornwallis, the detection, the pumping, and all. - -Commissioner Dubobwig was very funny about it. "So Doctor Swishtail -would not pay you for the boots, eh, Mr. Stiffelkind?" - -"No; he said, ven I ask him for payment, dey was ordered by a yong boy, -and I ought to have gone to his schoolmaster." - -"What, then, you came on a _bootless_ errand, eh, sir?" (A laugh.) - -"Bootless! no, sare. I brought de boots back vid me; how de devil else -could I show dem to you?" (Another laugh.) - -"You've never _soled_ 'em since, Mr. Tickleshins?" - -"I never vood sell dem; I svore I never vood, on porpus to be revenged -on dat Stobbs." - -"What, your wound has never been _healed_, eh?" - -"Vat do you mean vid your bootless errants, and your soling and healing? -I tell you I have done vat I svore to do; I have exposed him at school, -I have broak off a marriage for him, ven he vould have had twenty -tousand pound, and now I have showed him up in a court of justice; dat -is vat I ave done, and dat's enough." And then the old wretch went down, -whilst everybody was giggling and staring at poor me—as if I was not -miserable enough already. - -"This seems the dearest pair of boots you ever had in your life, Mr. -Stubbs," said Commissioner Dubobwig, very archly, and then he began to -inquire about the rest of my misfortunes. - -In the fulness of my heart I told him the whole of them; how Mr. -Solomonson the attorney had introduced me to the rich widow, Mrs. -Manasseh, who had fifty thousand pounds, and an estate in the West -Indies. How I was married, and arrested on coming to town, and cast in -an action for two thousand pounds, brought against me by this very -Solomonson for my wife's debts. - -"Stop," says a lawyer in the court. "Is this woman a showy black-haired -woman, with one eye? very often drunk, with three children—Solomonson, -short, with red hair?" - -"Exactly so," says I, with tears in my eyes. - -"That woman has married _three men_ within the last two years. One in -Ireland, and one at Bath. A Solomonson is, I believe, her husband, and -they both are off for America ten days ago." - -"But why did you not keep your £2000?" said the lawyer. - -"Sir, they attached it." - -"O! well, we may pass you; you have been unlucky, Mr. Stubbs, but it -seems as if the biter had been bit in this affair." - -"No," said Mr. Dubobwig, "Mr. Stubbs is the victim of a FATAL -ATTACHMENT." - - - POETRY AT SIGHT. - -A remarkably successful operation has just been performed by Mr. Curtis, -on the eyes of an elderly lady, who had been blind and deaf from her -birth. The following letter to her niece has been sent to us by her -friends, to show the rapidity of her literary acquirements, immediately -on her attainment of the power of vision; and such of our readers as can -fancy themselves deaf will certainly see it to consist of capital -rhymes. - - Dear Dolly, I'll thank you to send the cocoa, - And Susan, who brings it, shall take back your boa.— - Pray, tell Doctor Bleed'em I've got a sad cough; - I caught it while watching young Hodge at the plough; - I thought the day fine and was simple enough - My umbrella to leave, so got wet through and through, - For it came down in torrents; your poor aunt was caught - In the rain, and I afterwards sat in a draught. - This made me much worse, but experience I bought, - And I'll never more trust to the sunshine and drought! - Well, I made myself dry, and I sat down to tea: - Of the good that it did me you'd form no idea. - But I quite hate the country, the weather's so rough, - So you'll see me, dear, soon in your little borough. - I hope, after all, that my cold will be trivial— - But still you may send me that stuff in the vial— - In the kitchen you'll find it, just over the trough. - Oh, my cough! oh, my cough! it all comes of the plough. - - - A SETTLER'S LETTER. - -The Emigration Committee have thought it right to give publicity to the -following very intelligent letter, lately written by a settler to his -mother, on account of the valuable statistical information it contains. - - Catchum's Shallow on the little Red River - Arkensaw Stait April 1838 - - MY DERE MUTHER,—Yer mustent wunder if you havnt herd of me for sume - time, but grate grefe is dumb as Shaxpire sais, and I was advised to - hop my twig and leaf old ingland, witch indede I was verry - sorrorful, but now I am thanks gudnes saf, and in amerrykey. i ardly - no ware miself, but the hed of this will tel my tail. I ham a - sqwatter in the far wurst, about ½ a-mile this side sundown, an if i - ad gone mutch father i should av found nothin but son, an no nite at - all. Yu kno how the hummeggrating Agent tolde me that if peepel - cudnt liv in Sent Gileses amerrykey was capitle to dy in; besides - ses he if youre not verry nere you can ade yure mother in distres, - so i went aborde a skip wat was going to Noo Orlines. Ive herd - peepel tawk abowt rodes at C but the rodes on the attalantick is the - verry ruffest i iver rode on and it was very long an very cold an we - had nothing 2 heat hardly, but we founde a ded rat in a warter cask - witch the flavur was grately increased thareby. - - at last we cam to the arbur at the citty of Noo Orlines witch is all - under the bottum of the top of the rivver and we ad a ankering to go - a-shore. I ad no idear as the rivers was so hi in this contry, but - as the assent is so verry esy i didn't fele it at al. The noo - orlines peepel is odd fishis and not at all commun plaice; wen all - the peepel in the stretes is musterd it is a pepper an sault - poppulashun, there is blak wites an wite blaks an a sorte of mixt - peepel caled quadruunts because they are of fore colers blak, an - wite, an wite blaks, and blak wites. Has the rivver is so verry hi - it is alwys hi water, an the munnifold advantiges of the citty - dipends on the gudnes of its banks. there is loks in em to let the - water out and keys to kepe it in. munny here is very common and is - cald sentse, and evvery thing is cheep in Noo Orlines 5 dollers - bills bein only worth 2 dollers. We went up the rivver in a large - bote like a noise ark only more promiscus. the current acount was - aginst us it dont turn and turn agen like at putny bridg, and as it - runs alwys won way i wunder it dont run away altogethir. Thire is no - towns nor tailer shops nor palisses as I expectorated there wood be. - the wood was all quite wilde not a bit of tame no ware nor no sines - of the blessedniss of civilazashun as jales an jin shops nor no - kitching gardins nor fields nor ouses nor lanes nor alleys nor gates - nothin but alleygators. after a grate dale of settlin I settled to - settle as abuv ware yu will rite to me. These staits is caled the - united staits becawse theire mails and femails all united. there's - six of them wimmin staits. 2 Carrolinas, Miss Sourry, Miss Sippy, - Louesa Anna, an Vargina, all the rest is mails. i have sene no - cannibels an verry few ingins besides steam ingins they're quite - unhedducated and dont employ no tailers. I dont like fammin mutch - but praps I shal wen i get used to it, tho its very ilconvenient at - furst. i am obliged to wurk very ard and if I have to chop my one - wood much longer I have determined to cut my stick. - -[Illustration: - - A Settler. -] - - Dere muther, i think i shud be more cumfurtable if I had a few - trifels witch you culd bye me, if yew wud onley sel sumthing and - send me all the bils partickular, and I'l be sure to owe it you— - namly sum needils and thred, and sum odd buttens, but thems of - little use without you send me sum shirts, and a waistcote, and - upper cote, to put em on, when those tumbles off thats on when you - sends em, and sum brads, and some hammers do drive em with, and a - spade an a pikax, an a saw, and some fish hooks, and gunpowdr, an - sum shot, witch they wil be of the gratest conveniency, if you can - send me a gun. likewis som stockins, an shues and other hardwares, - only its no use to send me any bank nots, for my nerest naybours is - sum ingun wagwams abuve 70 miles of, and I cudnt get change thare, - so dont forgit some led, and some bullit moldes, for some blak - fellers has been fishin close by, jist within 10 miles and I wants - to have a pop at em with luv to all yore dutiful sone - - SAM. STROLLER. - - NOVEMBER. [1839. - -[Illustration] - - - THE JOINT STOCK SUICIDE CLUB. - -[Sidenote: Put no - faith in - false - Predictions, - ☍ ♒ ♀ ♂ - Patient - bear the - worst - Inflictions. - Fog or - SUNSHINE, - [Illustration] - time will - tell; - Gentle Reader, - Fare thee well.] - - Brothers! support me in my desperate duty! - I first propose to all a cup of Rue-tea, - While I recite once more the various ways - Our club allows to terminate our days. - ———————————— - We recommend strongly steamboat trips - To those who are tired of their wives; - For it's better to scald to death at once - Than pass in hot water your lives. - - The club prescribe a railroad ride, - To such as are bent on marriages; - If they're looking for sweet, 'tis like they'll meet - A _Jam_ between two carriages. - - Or take your place when the coaches race, - And an opposition rages, - It's a pleasanter trick to be popp'd off quick, - Than be kill'd by lingering stages. - - But we wish all poets to try their pens - On a work of fun and fancy; - They'll hang on a hook, ere they finish their book, - In a fit of _neck_-romancy. - - Now a dismal band, let us seek the Strand, - From Waterloo to jump, - And we'll leap from the piers, 'mid the barges' _tiers_, - To show that our club's a trump. - -[Illustration] - -23. First balloon ass-sent, 1782. - - I wonder which will be the last—don't you? - -29. Insurrection of the Poles, 1830. - - Paupers proclaim, so dignified their stations, - The shears a trespass on the rights of nations. - -[Illustration: - - _A Collection of National Hairs, with variations._ -] - -[Illustration] - - - NOVEMBER.—A GENERAL POST DELIVERY. - -I was a free man when I went out of the Court; but I was a beggar—I, -Captain Stubbs, of the bold North-Bungays, did not know where I could -get a bed or a dinner. - -As I was marching sadly down Portugal Street, I felt a hand on my -shoulder, and a rough voice which I knew well. - -"Vell, Mr. Stobbs, have I not kept my bromise? I told you dem boots -would be your ruin." - -I was much too miserable to reply; and only cast up my eyes towards the -roofs of the houses, which I could not see for the tears. - -"Vat! you begin to gry and blobber like a shild? you vood marry, vood -you, and noting vood do for you but a vife vid monny—ha, ha—but you vere -de pigeon, and she vas de grow. She has plocked you, too, pretty vell— -eh? ha! ha!" - -"Oh, Mr. Stiffelkind," said I, "don't laugh at my misery; she has not -left me a single shilling under heaven. And I shall starve—I do believe -I shall starve." And I began to cry fit to break my heart. - -"Starf! stoff and nonsense—you vil never die of starfing—you vil die of -_hanging_, I tink, ho! ho! and it is moch easier vay too." I didn't say -a word, but cried on, till everybody in the street turned round and -stared. - -"Come, come," said Stiffelkind, "do not gry, Gaptain Stobbs—it is not -goot for a Gaptain to gry, ha! ha! Dere, come vid me, and you shall have -a dinner, and a bregfast too—vich shall gost you nothing, until you can -bay vid your earnings." - -And so this curious old man, who had persecuted me all through my -prosperity, grew compassionate towards me in my ill-luck: and took me -home with him as he promised. "I saw your name among de Insolvents—and I -vowed, you know, to make you repent dem boots. Dere now, it is done and -forgotten, look you. Here, Betty, Bettchen, make de spare bed, and put a -clean knife and fork; Lort Cornvallis is come to dine vid me." - -I lived with this strange old man for six weeks. I kept his books, and -did what little I could to make myself useful: carrying about boots and -shoes, as if I had never borne his Majesty's commission. He gave me no -money, but he fed and lodged me comfortably. The men and boys used to -laugh, and call me General, and Lord Cornwallis, and all sorts of -nicknames—and old Stiffelkind made a thousand new ones for me. - -One day, I can recollect—one miserable day, as I was polishing on the -trees a pair of boots of Mr. Stiffelkind's manufacture, the old -gentleman came into the shop with a lady on his arm. - -"Vere is Gaptain Stobbs," says he; "vere is dat ornament to his -Majesty's service?" - -I came in from the back shop, where I was polishing the boots, with one -of them in my hand. - -"Look, my dear," says he, "here is an old friend of yours, his -Excellency Lord Cornvallis! Who would have thought such a nobleman vood -turn shoe-black? Gaptain Stobbs, here is your former flame, my dear -niece, Miss Grotty. How could you, Magdalen, ever leaf soch a lof of a -man? Shake hands vid her, Gaptain;—dere, never mind de blacking:" but -Miss drew back. - -"I never shake hands with a _shoe-black_," says she, mighty -contemptuous. - -"Bah! my lof, his fingers von't soil you. Don't you know he has just -been _vite-vashed_?" - -"I wish, uncle," says she, "you would not leave me with such low -people." - -"Low, because he cleans boots? de Gaptain prefers _pumps_ to boots, I -tink, ha! ha!" - -"Captain, indeed! a nice Captain," says Miss Crutty, snapping her -fingers in my face, and walking away: "a Captain, who has had his nose -pulled? ha! ha!"—And how could I help it? it wasn't by my own _choice_ -that that ruffian Waters took such liberties with me; didn't I show how -averse I was to all quarrels by refusing altogether his challenge?—but -such is the world: and thus the people at Stiffelkind's used to tease me -until they drove me almost mad. - -At last, he came home one day more merry and abusive than ever. -"Gaptain," says he, "I have goot news for you—a goot place. Your -lortship vil not be able to geep your garridge, but you vil be -gomfortable, and serve his Majesty." - -"Serve his Majesty!" says I. "Dearest Mr. Stiffelkind, have you got me a -place under Government?" - -"Yes, and someting better still—not only a place, but a uniform—yes, -Gabdain Stobbs, a _red goat_." - -"A red coat! I hope you don't think I would demean myself by entering -the ranks of the army? I am a gentleman, Mr. Stiffelkind—I can never—no, -I never." - -"No, I know you will never—you are too great a goward, ha! ha!—though -dis is a red goat, and a place where you must give some _hard knocks_ -too, ha! ha!—do you gomprehend?—and you shall be a general, instead of a -gabtain—ha! ha!" - -"A general in a red coat! Mr. Stiffelkind?" - -"Yes, a GENERAL BOSTMAN! ha! ha! I have been vid your old friend, -Bunting, and he has an uncle in the Post-office, and he has got you de -place—eighteen shillings a veek, you rogue, and your goat. You must not -oben any of de letters, you know." - -And so it was—I, Robert Stubbs, Esquire, became the vile thing he named— -a general postman! - - * * * * * - -I was so disgusted with Stiffelkind's brutal jokes, which were now more -brutal than ever, that when I got my place in the Post-office I never -went near the fellow again—for though he had done me a favour in keeping -me from starvation, he certainly had done it in a very rude, -disagreeable manner, and showed a low and mean spirit in _shoving_ me -into such a degraded place as that of postman. But what had I to do? I -submitted to fate, and for three years or more, Robert Stubbs, of the -North-Bungay Fencibles, was—— - -I wonder nobody recognised me. I lived in daily fear the first year; -but, afterwards, grew accustomed to my situation, as all great men will -do, and wore my red coat as naturally as if I had been sent into the -world only for the purpose of being a letter carrier. - -I was first in the Whitechapel district, where I stayed nearly three -years, when I was transferred to Jermyn Street and Duke Street—famous -places for lodgings. I suppose I left a hundred letters at a house in -the latter street, where lived some people who must have recognised me -had they but once chanced to look at me. - -You see, that when I left Sloffem, and set out in the gay world, my -mamma had written to me a dozen times at least, but I never answered -her, for I knew she wanted money, and I detest writing. Well, she -stopped her letters, finding she could get none from me: but when I was -in the Fleet, as I told you, I wrote repeatedly to my dear mamma, and -was not a little nettled at her refusing to notice me in my distress, -which is the very time one most wants notice. - -Stubbs is not an uncommon name; and though I saw MRS. STUBBS on a little -bright brass plate, in Duke Street, and delivered so many letters to the -lodgers in her house, I never thought of asking who she was, or whether -she was my relation, or not. - -One day the young woman who took in the letters had not got change, and -she called her mistress;—an old lady in a poke bonnet came out of the -parlour, and put on her spectacles, and looked at the letter, and -fumbled in her pocket for eight-pence, and apologized to the postman for -keeping him waiting; and when I said, "Never mind, ma'am, it's no -trouble," the old lady gave a start, and then she pulled off her -spectacles, and staggered back; and then she began muttering, as if -about to choke; and then she gave a great screech, and flung herself -into my arms, and roared out, "MY SON! MY SON!" - -"Law, mamma," said I, "is that you?" and I sat down on the hall bench -with her, and let her kiss me as much as ever she liked. Hearing the -whining and crying, down comes another lady from upstairs,—it was my -sister Eliza; and down come the lodgers. And the maid gets water, and -what not, and I was the regular hero of the group. I could not stay long -then, having my letters to deliver. But, in the evening, after -mail-time, I went back to my mamma and sister: and, over a bottle of -prime old Port, and a precious good leg of boiled mutton and turnips, -made myself pretty comfortable, I can tell you. - - - BLARNEYHUM ASS-TROLOGICUM PRO ANNO 1839. - - GENTLE READER,— - -Beware of false prophets, who predict of the times, which, but for thy -simplicity, would be for them "out of joint"—of the seasons, of which -they know not, save that they yield them a profitable harvest,—and of -the winds, for which they care not, so that they blow them good; but -turn from them awhile, and regard the Hieroglyphicum in Obscuro I here -set before thee, and the interpretation thereof; and, if it come not as -I predict, thou may'st guess the reason why. Unlucky planets rule the -State Kitchen; and the great kettle being filled by Aquarius, with Sol -in opposition, an unfriendly boil is produced, which maketh the place so -hot that the Cooks find it hard to stay within, though loth to go out. -Moreover, being of one mind as to the making of _a mess_, but differing -as to the manner thereof, they have fallen to fighting, to settle the -question, and are all going to pot together. By a touch of my wand, -behold them transmogrified into a _Lamb's head_, served with a plentiful -dressing of strong _Durham_ mustard, a _little Jack_ clinging to the -side, as though he wished himself out of this pretty kettle of fish, and -a fowl, though, by his looks, no chicken, attempting his escape in the -form of a winged _Cupid_. He does not like his company, and has made his -bow—behold it in his hand. Another fish, more like a _Sir John_ than a -sturgeon, seems as though his berth was far from pleasant. The Mistress, -alarmed by the noise, comes to the window to see what is the matter; an -ancient Master Cook, from _Arthur's_, stands, ladle in hand, his fingers -itching to skim the scum off as it rises. An old Kitchen Maid, who, -though pensioned off, will still have a finger in every pie, hath been -stirring the fire with a worn-out _broom_-handle, (perchance she hath -slyly put in a pinch of gunpowder) and is now playing the part of -blow-bellows. She seemeth, by the satisfactionated curl of her nose, to -be happy to see them all in hot water. - -Now, as to the application hereof, every man must judge for himself; but -of a verity it doth to me appear, that too many cooks will spoil any -broth. And, while I speak of cookery, let me advise thee as to thy -treatment of that which a departed wiseacre denominated the "worse than -useless root." If, rejecting his advice, none but this fruit will -content thee, let me counsel thee to follow my example—having well -roasted my Murphy, I take him "_cum grano salis_." Now, touching other -mundane matters, thou wilt herein find copious instructions, sage -predictions, and wholesome advice, on which thou mayest surely rely, -though I am no M.N.S., which can but mean Member of No Society. - - Thine ever, - RIGDUM FUNNIDOS. - - 1839.] DECEMBER. - -[Illustration] - - - CHRISTMAS PIECES. - A SOLILOQUIAL CARE-ALL. - -Here come December and the brats again! what pain! rushing like untamed -kittens o'er a cataract. Tables turn'd, bottles broke, cups crack'd—All -conspire to add to my distractions, to shew their skill in Christmas -pieces, and in fractions. - - How little dream'd I of the toil and trouble - Which wait on those who dare to carry double! - Why did I leave my life of singularity, - In my excess of Christian love and charity? - Too surely did I feel my courage falter - At that sad step which led up to the altar. - Since first I tied the matrimonial knot - Each year has added to my luckless lot; - I should not mind _one_ little babe, no more. - But, _poínt du_ TWO, I don't want half a score; - Yet still, in quick succession, lo! they rise, - A pretty string of pains and penal-ties. - -[Illustration: - - _Family Ties._ -] - - From schoolmasters abroad the yearly bills - Run high among life's unsurmounted _hills_, - And pretty hillocks are those things call'd extras, - At doubling which they're all so ambidextrous; - Forgetting still, which greatly grieves my bowels, - To send back silver forks, or spoons, or towels. - Last, but not least, are those uncivil wars, - Poetic license calls domestic jars, - And which I find, though far from nice or fickle, - Without exception, yield the worst of pickle. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - DECEMBER.—"THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT." - -Mamma had kept the house in Duke Street for more than two years. I -recollected some of the chairs and tables, from dear old Squiggle, and -the bowl in which I had made that famous rum-punch, the evening she went -away, which she and my sisters left untouched, and I was obliged to -drink after they were gone; but that's not to the purpose. - -Think of my sister Mary's luck! That chap, Waters, fell in love with -her, and married her; and she now keeps her carriage, and lives in state -near Squiggle. I offered to make it up with Waters; but he bears malice, -and never will see or speak to me. He had the impudence, too, to say -that he took in all letters for mamma at Squiggle; and that, as mine -were all begging letters, he burned them, and never said a word to her -concerning them. He allowed mamma fifty pounds a year, and, if she were -not such a fool, she might have had three times as much; but the old -lady was high and mighty, forsooth, and would not be beholden, even to -her own daughter, for more than she actually wanted. Even this fifty -pounds she was going to refuse; but when I came to live with her, of -course I wanted pocket money as well as board and lodging, and so I had -the fifty pounds for _my_ share, and eked out with it as well as I -could. - -Old Bates and the Captain, between them, gave mamma a hundred pounds -when she left me (she had the deuce's own luck, to be sure—much more -than ever fell to _me_, I know), and as she said she _would_ try and -work for her living, it was thought best to take a house and let -lodgings, which she did. Our first and second floor paid us four guineas -a week, on an average; and the front parlour and attic made forty pounds -more. Mamma and Eliza used to have the front attic; but _I_ took that, -and they slept in the servants' bed room. Lizzy had a pretty genius for -work, and earned a guinea a week that way; so that we had got nearly two -hundred a year over the rent to keep house with,—and we got on pretty -well. Besides, women eat nothing; my women didn't care for meat for days -together sometimes,—so that it was only necessary to dress a good steak -or so for me. - -Mamma would not think of my continuing in the Post-office. She said her -dear John, her husband's son, her gallant soldier, and all that, should -remain at home, and be a gentleman—which I was, certainly, though I -didn't find fifty pounds a year very much to buy clothes and be a -gentleman upon; to be sure, mother found me shirts and linen, so that -_that_ wasn't in the fifty pounds. She kicked a little at paying the -washing too; but she gave in at last, for I was her dear John, you know; -and I'm blest if I could not make her give me the gown off her back. -Fancy! once she cut up a very nice rich black silk scarf, which my -sister Waters sent her, and made me a waistcoat and two stocks of it. -She was so _very_ soft, the old lady! - - * * * * * - -I'd lived in this way for five years or more, making myself content with -my fifty pounds a year (_perhaps_, I'd saved a little out of it; but -that's neither here nor there). From year's end to year's end I remained -faithful to my dear mamma, never leaving her except for a month or so in -summer, when a bachelor may take a trip to Gravesend or Margate, which -would be too expensive for a family. I say a bachelor, for the fact is, -I don't know whether I am married or not—never having heard a word since -of the scoundrelly Mrs. Stubbs. - -I never went to the public house before meals; for, with my beggarly -fifty pounds, I could not afford to dine away from home; but there I had -my regular seat, and used to come home _pretty glorious_, I can tell -you. Then, bed till eleven; then, breakfast and the newspaper; then, a -stroll in Hyde Park or Saint James's; then, home at half-past three to -dinner, when I jollied, as I call it, for the rest of the day. I was my -mother's delight; and thus, with a clear conscience, I managed to live -on. - - * * * * * - -How fond she was of me, to be sure! Being sociable myself, and loving to -have my friends about me, we often used to assemble a company of as -hearty fellows as you would wish to sit down with, and keep the nights -up royally. "Never mind, my boys," I used to say, "send the bottle -round: mammy pays for all," as she did, sure enough; and sure enough we -punished her cellar too. The good old lady used to wait upon us, as if -for all the world she had been my servant, instead of a lady and my -mamma. Never used she to repine, though I often, as I must confess, gave -her occasion (keeping her up till four o'clock in the morning, because -she never could sleep until she saw her "dear Bob" in bed, and leading -her a sad anxious life). She was of such a sweet temper, the old lady, -that I think in the course of five years I never knew her in a passion, -except twice; and then with sister Lizzy, who declared I was ruining the -house, and driving the lodgers away, one by one. But mamma would not -hear of such envious spite on my sister's part. "Her Bob" was always -right, she said. At last Lizzy fairly retreated, and went to the -Waterses,—I was glad of it, for her temper was dreadful, and we used to -be squabbling from morning till night. - -Ah, those _were_ jolly times! but ma was obliged to give up the -lodging-house at last—for, somehow, things went wrong after my sister's -departure—the nasty uncharitable people said, on account of _me_; -because I drove away the lodgers by smoking and drinking, and kicking up -noises in the house; and because mamma gave me so much of her money:—so -she did, but if she _would_ give it, you know, how could I help it? -Heigho! I wish I'd _kept_ it. - -No such luck.—The business I thought was to last for ever; but at the -end of two years a smash came—shut up shop—sell off everything. Mamma -went to the Waterses: and, will you believe it, the ungrateful wretches -would not receive me! that Mary, you see, was _so_ disappointed at not -marrying me. Twenty pounds a year they allow, it is true; but what's -that for a gentleman? For twenty years I have been struggling manfully -to gain an honest livelihood, and, in the course of them, have seen a -deal of life, to be sure. I've sold segars and pocket-hand-kerchiefs at -the corners of streets; I've been a billiard-marker; I've been Director -(in the panic year) of the Imperial British Consolidated Mangle and -Drying Ground Company. I've been on the stage (for two years as an -actor, and about a month as a cad, when I was very low); I've been the -means of giving to the police of this empire some very valuable -information (about licensed victuallers, gentlemen's carts, and -pawnbrokers' names); I've been very nearly an officer again—that is, an -assistant to an officer of the Sheriff of Middlesex: it was my last -place. - -On the last day of the year 1837, even _that_ game was up. It's a thing -that has very seldom happened to a gentleman, to be kicked out of a -sponging-house; but such was my case. Young Nabbs (who succeeded his -father) drove me ignominiously from his door, because I had charged a -gentleman in the coffee-rooms seven-and-sixpence for a glass of ale and -bread and cheese, the charge of the house being only six shillings. He -had the meanness to deduct the eighteen-pence from my wages, and, -because I blustered a bit, he took me by the shoulders and turned me -out—me, a gentleman, and, what is more, a poor orphan! - -How I did rage and swear at him when I got out in the street!—There -stood he, the hideous Jew monster, at the double door, writhing under -the effect of my language. I had my revenge! Heads were thrust out of -every bar of his windows, laughing at him. A crowd gathered round me, as -I stood pounding him with my satire, and they evidently enjoyed his -discomfiture. I think the mob would have pelted the ruffian to death -(one or two of their missiles hit _me_, I can tell you), when a -policeman came up, and, in reply to a gentleman, who was asking what was -the disturbance, said, "Bless you, Sir, it's Lord Cornwallis." "Move on, -_Boots_," said the fellow to me, for, the fact is, my misfortunes and -early life are pretty well known—and so the crowd dispersed. - -"What could have made that policeman call you Lord Cornwallis and -Boots?" said the gentleman, who seemed mightily amused, and had followed -me. "Sir," says I, "I am an unfortunate officer of the North Bungay -Fencibles, and I'll tell you willingly for a pint of beer." He told me -to follow him to his chambers at the Temple, which I did (a five pair -back), and there, sure enough, I had the beer; and told him this very -story you've been reading. You see he is what is called a literary man— -and sold my adventures for me to the booksellers: he's a strange chap; -and says they're _moral_. - - * * * * * - -I'm blest if I can see anything moral in them. I'm sure I ought to have -been more lucky through life, being so very wide awake. And yet here I -am, without a place, or even a friend, starving upon a beggarly twenty -pounds a year—not a single sixpence more, upon _my honour_. - - - ASCOT CUP DAY. - FROM THE RACING CALENDAR. - -"Well, I never!—this the Great Western Railway: the Paddington Station? -What a beautiful place:—ugh! ugh! ugh!—and that's the engine: did I -ever!—What a funny noise it makes; and what elegant carriages—all -plate-glass and silk-lace!" Thus rattled a lively little matron, as fine -as a milliner's pattern-doll, to her dapper lord and master, as they -seated themselves _vis-à-vis_, in the nine-o'clock down train, -first-class, on the morning of the last anniversary of Ascot Cup Day. -Anon they were darting onwards for their destination, and again the -dame's loquacities were at high pressure. "It is charming, and that's -all about it: for all the world like travelling by balloon; and as free -from dust and dirt as if one was borne through the air. Why, we shall -get down, I _do_ declare, as clean as new pins." "No danger of being -soiled on _this_ line, marm," remarked a stout personage in nankeen -leggings, a wig, and a _very_ red face, "'cause why, we escape _Staines_ -and avoid _Slough_, you know: ha! ha!" - -At the end of five-and-forty minutes, bump, bump, bump, and a hissing, -as of a universe of boa-constrictors, were succeeded by the -interrogatory, from officials in green and much brass, of—"Now Windsor?" -and all the crew bound for the races descended _of course_. Then rose -the clamour of 'bus cads and go-cart touters— - - "Billingsgate eloquence, and, as I guess, - The logic of the 'os coccygis;'" - -when, after a scuffle, and some energetic demonstrations, our little -dame and second-self found themselves once more in company with the -gentleman in the leggings and red face. The trio were seated in a -lateral inconvenience on enormous wheels, the charioteer, with his -behind before them, urging to utmost speed a gaunt but sinewy bit of -blood, who flew onwards as if a herd of hungry wolves were at his -haunches. Our travellers were soon on the best of terms: good fellowship -generally results when people are thus _thrown together_. Windsor was -quickly reached, and as they turned the corner beyond the White Hart, -which leads to Ascot, an equipage at the door of the hostelry attracted, -by its splendour, the go-carter's attention. "That's L——'s carriage," -said the married male; "he that cut such a dash last season; gave balls -to one half of London;"—"and _rifled_ the other," rejoined the man with -the rosy countenance: it was manifest that he was a wag. "A correct list -of all the wonderful high-bred horses, and how they will come in for -every heat during the day." "The modern Hercules, ladies and gentlemen; -_the_ modern Hercules: he will take and tie that ere donkey to this here -ladder, and balance the _as_tonishing _con_junction on the tip of his -nose. Waiting for a ha'penny, ladies and gentlemen; make it another -brown, and—up—he—goes." Such is the chorus of the Olympic song, chanted -what time Ascot celebrates her right-royal revels; but we tarry not for -the ladder, or _the staves_. - -Through streets of _canvas_ caravanseras, all _soliciting_ their custom, -our _tria juncta_ reach _the ropes_ as the word runs along _the lines_, -"The Queen is coming!" "Let me see her," ejaculated the lady voyager: -"bless her heart! it was for that I came here; and is that Her Majesty? -She is a darling, that's what she is! so amiable, so kind-looking, and -so little to be a queen!" "And who is that in green, with the costly -golden couples over his shoulders?" "Oh, that's the master of the _dear_ -hounds." "And all those lovely, smiling ladies?" "More of the _sweet_." -"Clear _the course_, clear _the course_!" and straightway there is a -movement of gold, precious stones, silk, and paradise plumes, enough to -astonish the Genii of the Wonderful Lamp. - -"Here they come!" Grey Momus, and Epirus, and Caravan, with "little -Pavis, the _rara avis_." "Another round for it. Well done, grey; hurrah! -dismal jacket." "Who's the favourite?" "The _belles_ are all for -_Bowes_; I'm for Suffield, he's such a good fellow." "I'm for Lord -George, _he's a better_." "Hurrah! splendid race." "Oh! you villain, -you've stolen my watch; but I've got you, and I'll give it you." "That -ere's never no prigging. Didn't I hear you promise to give it him?" "Get -away, do—you'll break the springs: you're not to climb up my steps for a -stare." The Royal Stand is now vacated, and the cause reaches our little -inquisitive friend. "Her Majesty has retired to luncheon." "Law, is she, -indeed! how I _should_ like to see her eat: I'm dying to know what sort -of meals they provide for her." "All the delicacies in season," -explained the wit, with a sinister smile, "and _Lamb_ the whole year -round." The matchless cavalcade has passed in all its gorgeous -simplicity, bearing the cynosure of all eyes, where waves the banner of -St. George a welcome to - - "The fair-haired daughter of the Isles, - The hope of many nations." - -This, and a rain, descending _à l'Anglaise_, gave notice to quit to all -save those who, by the grace of Mackintosh and neat brandy, had set the -elements at defiance. "Let us return to our conveyance," said the lively -little matron, "and make our way back to the station of the Great -Western Railway; my parasol is wet through already." "Here is the spot -where we left it," ejaculated her spruce and dapper lord and master, -"and no trace of it can I discover: what is to be done now? And the -rascal was paid beforehand for stopping." "You could hardly have -expected he _would_ stay, however," remarked the stout personage in the -nankeen leggings, the wig, and the very red face, proving thereby that -he was not only a wit but a philosopher; "you could hardly, in reason, -expect the vehicle to stop so long. You should remember it was a -_Go_-cart." - - - EXTRACTS FROM THE ANNUAL REGISTER. - -JANUARY 15.—A tradesman at the West End was thrown into convulsions, by -the surprise of receiving payment of a Christmas bill! - -FEBRUARY 9.—An elderly "Signer of Fives," who has, for thirty years -past, walked from Walworth to the Bank, without picking up one new idea -by the way, hearing that a deputation of paper-makers had applied to Mr. -Murphy for a little more rain to make their wheels go round, exclaimed, -"Don't tell me, they never can need it; have I not wanted my umbrella -every morning for above a week?" - -MARCH 15.—The City Forensic Club applied to the Court of Aldermen for a -contribution; the grant was opposed by one of the Court, on the ground -that they could have nothing to spare for any Foreign-sick Society while -there was so much illness at home. - -The same gentleman thought it his duty to inform the Court, that there -was a report on 'Change of an alarming rise in Sperma-City. He said he -had been taken from school so long ago, that he had forgotten its -locality, and requested the Remembrancer to remind him. That learned -gentleman, after referring to a map, said he could not exactly find the -place, but he believed it was somewhere in Wales. - -APRIL 1.—At the annual meeting of the Humane Society, medals were -offered for the quickest method of putting disappointed authors out of -their misery—for the means of supplying aldermen, at city feasts, with -hot dinners, and—for the best plan for relieving the baronets from the -agonies they are suffering, on account of their neglected claims. - -MAY 15.—_Legacy extraordinary._—A poor old woman, living at Clapham, a -few weeks ago, was given over by the doctor. Her only anxiety was for -her grandson, a scapegrace lad whom she had brought up, and of whom she -was the only relative. He had been placed under the care of a -neighbouring waggoner, and the man was sent for. "Thomas," said the old -woman, "I feel that I'm not long here, and I fear for Dick when I'm -gone. He's a wild lad, and I've nothing to leave him, but I hope you'll -look after him,"—the man nodded assent,—"and try to make a good lad of -him,"—nod—"and do your duty by him,"—nod again,—"and now and then _do -give him a cut or two_!" The authorities at Somerset House have not yet -been troubled to fix the duty payable on this bequest. - -JUNE 15.—The following advertisement having appeared in the daily -papers, "FOUND—The wig and gown of a barrister _unknown_," the place of -reference was next day blocked up with applicants answering the -description. - -JULY 21.—Lord Durham, in the midst of the cares of his government, has -not been unmindful of the promotion of science. Among other of his -original projects was one for exporting Canada geese, and domesticating -them in the Bermudas. It was discovered, however, that the attempt was -not likely to succeed, since his Lordship, though he might send them, -could not make them stay there. - -AUGUST 9.—The recent default in Clerkenwell parish has been the cause of -the following notice on the Church doors:—"The inhabitants are requested -to remember when their taxes were collected, or they will be -recollected." - -OCTOBER 1.—The Greenwich Pensioners who have lost their legs, this day -presented a petition to the Commissioners of Woods and Forests praying -to be re-membered. - -NOVEMBER 15.—The Linendrapers' Shopmen held a public meeting to agitate -for earlier hours. Some of the masters, who attended, manifested a very -unaccommodating spirit, and seemed inclined to subject their complaint -to that dangerous system of treatment, _counter-irritation_. - -DECEMBER 7.—Lord Durham safely arrived at his house in Cleveland Row -this day. We can vouch for the accuracy of the following particulars. -His Lordship, as he alighted, was observed to look up and down the -street, in an impressive manner, and nodded his head significantly to -the porter who stood to receive him—there seemed to be something in it. -His Lordship passed rapidly through the hall, upstairs, and shortly -after his dressing-room bell was heard to ring. Our reporter, who was -stationed at the window of the opposite house, was not able to ascertain -who answered it, but he observed servants pass out in various -directions, and one of them, by his anxious looks, seemed to manifest -peculiar solicitude. Soon afterwards, a butcher's boy presented himself -at the area, with a tray containing three mutton chops; he received some -communication from within, and disappeared rapidly, but shortly -returned, bearing a leg of mutton. No movement of importance being -observed for the next seven minutes, our reporter withdrew to the -nearest public-house for refreshment, and had scarcely taken his seat, -when a servant, in his Lordship's livery, entered, and whispered to the -man at the bar. The words were not heard, but the pot-boy was observed -to leave the house in great haste, having in his tray three pints of -half-and-half. It was rumoured in the private public room, where our -reporter was making his notes, that his Lordship's return was not -attributable to political causes solely, but to the dread of a Canadian -winter; for that, though he was amply furnished with warm feather beds, -he had been disappointed in receiving a supply of _bolsters_ from home.— -[_Intended for a Morning Paper._] - -The principal novel publishers at the West End announce that, in the -course of the ensuing season, they will publish a great many fictions on -reduced terms. These will all be derived from the most authentic sources -of information, arrangements having been made with several retired -lady's-maids for original communications, and the contents of all -slop-pails, sent under cover, will be considered confidential, and used -with discretion. Gentlemen's gentlemen, who have dismissed their -masters, and are of a literary turn, will meet with every encouragement. - -The Marquis of Waterford is preparing for publication a new edition of -Wild Sports of the West, with original illustrations. - -Early in the new year will be published, - - No. I. of - - A FAMILY PERIODICAL. - - _To be continued regularly._ - -[Illustration: - - A PRESENTATION COPY. -] - - Though Malthus indite it, and Martineau write it, - I don't think they've quite hit the nail on the head; - And spite of their pother 'bout father and mother, - We may be one or t'other before we are dead. - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1840. - - - JANUARY. [1840. - -[Illustration] - - - JOLLY DOGS.—ABOLITION OF THE TRUCK SYSTEM. - -[Sidenote: [Illustration] - WEATHER - —— - Nipping frosts - and - driving snows, - [Illustration: _Hill_-usage] - thick-soled shoes - and - double-hose. - [Illustration: Counter petition.]] - - Well, blow me—here's a pretty go! - They'll only stop at ruination, - And bringing all our trade to woe, - For labouring in our just wocation. - - Why this ere act's the cruel'st deed - That ever was devised to floor us; - Such as our ancasters ne'er seed, - Nor yet posterity afore us. - - Its clean agen the nat'ral law - O' brute beasts, and of humane kind, - For surely dogs was made to draw, - And trucks was made to go behind. - - And we was made to sit a-top, - And cut away in all our glory, - And if the lazy varmint stop, - To tell 'em jist another story. - - But, dash my wigs—this pretty set, - With hearts as hard as any stone, - Wont let an honest feller whet - His lawful wengeance on his _own_. - - No longer now up Highgate road - O' Sunday arternoons I gallop, - With all the brats, a tidy load, - And perhaps a neighbour's child to fill up. - - At Farringdon and Common Garden, - I'm fairly laid upon the shelf; - My only chance to earn a farden, - Is truckling to the truck myself. - - But we'll resist this horrid plot, - And for our order boldly strive, - For this I know, that ours are not - The only ill-used dogs alive. - - Let's not be down upon our luck, - Nor out of heart at our condition, - And since our dogs can't draw a truck, - At least we'll draw up a petition; - - And lay our case before the Commons, - What keeps the money of the nation: - Perchance we'll get, like other rum 'uns, - An equitable compensation. - -[Illustration] - -ORDERED to be considered _below_. - -[Illustration: - - JANUARY:—The Announcement -] - - - BARBER COX, AND THE CUTTING OF HIS COMB. - JANUARY.—THE ANNOUNCEMENT. - -On the 1st of January, 1838, I was the master of a lovely shop in the -neighbourhood of Oxford market; of a wife, Mrs. Cox; of a business, both -in the shaving and cutting line, established three-and-thirty years; of -a girl and boy respectively of the ages of eighteen and thirteen; of a -three-windowed front, both to my first and second pair; of a young -foreman, my present partner, Mr. Orlando Crump; and of that celebrated -mixture for the human hair, invented by my late uncle, and called Cox's -Bohemian Balsam of Tokay, sold in pots at two-and-three, and -three-and-nine; the balsam, the lodgings, and the old-established -cutting and shaving business, brought me in a pretty genteel income. I -had had my girl, Jemimarann, at Hackney, to school; my dear boy, -Tuggeridge, plaited hair already beautifully; my wife at the counter -(behind the tray of patent soaps, &c.) cut as handsome a figure as -possible; and it was my hope that Orlando and my girl, who were mighty -soft upon one another, would, one day, be joined together in Hyming: -and, conjointly with my son Tug, carry on the business of hairdressers, -when their father was either dead or a gentleman; for a gentleman me and -Mrs. C. determined I should be. - -Jemima was, you see, a lady herself, and of very high connexions: though -her own family had met with crosses, and was rather low. Mr. Tuggeridge, -her father, kept the famous tripe-shop, near the Pigtail and Sparrow, in -the Whitechapel Road, from which place I married her; being myself very -fond of the article, and especially when she served it to me—the dear -thing! - -Jemima's father was not successful in business: and I married her, I am -proud to confess it, without a shilling. I had my hands, my house, and -my Bohemian balsam to support her!—and we had hopes from her uncle, a -mighty rich East India merchant, who, having left this country sixty -years ago, had arrived to be the head of a great house in India, and was -worth millions, we were told. - -Three years after Jemimarann's birth (and two after the death of my -lamented father-in-law), Tuggeridge (head of the great house of Budgurow -and Co.), retired from the management of it; handed over his shares to -his son, Mr. John Tuggeridge, and came to live in England, at Portland -Place and Tuggeridgeville, Surrey, and enjoy himself. Soon after, my -wife took her daughter in her hand and went, as in duty bound, to visit -her uncle; but whether it was that he was proud and surly, or she -somewhat sharp in her way (the dear girl fears nobody, let me have you -to know), a desperate quarrel took place between them; and from that day -to the day of his death he never set eyes on her. All that he would -condescend to do was to take a few dozen of lavender water from us in -the course of the year, and to send his servants to be cut and shaved by -us. All the neighbours laughed at this poor ending of our expectations, -for Jemmy had bragged not a little; however, we did not care, for the -connexion was always a good one, and we served Mr. Hock, the valet; Mr. -Bar, the coachman; and Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, willingly -enough. I used to powder the footman, too, on great days, but never in -my life saw old Tuggeridge, except once; when he said, "O, the barber!" -tossed up his nose, and passed on. - -One day—one famous day last January—all our market was thrown into a -high state of excitement by the appearance of no less than three -vehicles at our establishment. As me, Jemmy, my daughter, Tug, and -Orlando, were sitting in the back parlour over our dinner (it being -Christmas time, Mr. Crump had treated the ladies to a bottle of port, -and was longing that there should be a mistletoe bough; at which -proposal my little Jemimarann looked as red as a glass of negus):—we had -just, I say, finished the port, when, all of a sudden, Tug bellows out, -"Law, pa, here's uncle Tuggeridge's housekeeper in a cab!" - -And Mrs. Breadbasket it was, sure enough—Mrs. Breadbasket in deep -mourning, who made her way, bowing and looking very sad, into the back -shop. My wife, who respected Mrs. B. more than anything else in the -world, set her a chair, offered her a glass of wine, and vowed it was -very kind of her to come. "Law, mem," says Mrs. B., "I'm sure I'd do -anything to serve your family, for the sake of that poor dear -Tuck-Tuck-tug-guggeridge, that's gone." - -"That's what?" cries my wife. - -"What, gone?" cried Jemimarann, bursting out crying (as little girls -will about anything or nothing); and Orlando looking very rueful, and -ready to cry too. - -"Yes, gaw——" Just as she was at this very "gaw," Tug roars out, "Law pa! -here's Mr. Bar, uncle Tug's coachman!" - -It was Mr. Bar: when she saw him Mrs. Breadbasket stepped suddenly back -into the parlour with my ladies. "What is it, Mr. Bar?" says I; and, as -quick as thought, I had the towel under his chin, Mr. Bar in the chair, -and the whole of his face in a beautiful foam of lather: Mr. Bar made -some resistance. "Don't think of it, Mr. Cox," says he; "don't trouble -yourself, sir;" but I lathered away and never minded. "And what's this -melancholy event, sir," says I, "that has spread desolation in your -family's bosoms? I can feel for your loss, sir—I can feel for your -loss." - -I said so out of politeness, because I served the family, not because -Tuggeridge was my uncle—no, as such I disown him. - -Mr. Bar was just about to speak. "Yes, sir," says he, "my master's gaw—— -" When at the "gaw" in walks Mr. Hock, the own man!—the finest gentleman -I ever saw. - -"What, _you_ here, Mr. Bar?" says he. - -"Yes, I am, sir; and haven't I a right, sir?" - -"A mighty wet day, sir," says I to Mr. Hock, stepping up and making my -bow. "A sad circumstance too, sir—and is it a turn of the tongs that you -want to-day, sir? Ho, there! Mr. Crump!" - -"Turn, Mr. Crump, if you please, sir," said Mr. Hock, making a bow; "but -from you, sir, never, no never, split me!—and I wonder how some fellows -can have the _insolence_ to allow their MASTERS to shave them!" With -this Mr. Hock flung himself down to be curled: Mr. Bar suddenly opened -his mouth in order to reply; but, seeing there was a tiff between the -gentlemen, and wanting to prevent a quarrel, I rammed the "Advertiser" -into Mr. Hock's hands, and just popped my shaving brush into Mr. Bar's -mouth—a capital way to stop angry answers. - -Mr. Bar had hardly been in the chair a second, when whirr comes a -hackney-coach to the door, from which springs a gentleman in a black -coat with a bag. - -"What, you here?" says the gentleman. I could not help smiling, for it -seemed that everybody was to begin by saying, "What, _you_ here?" "Your -name is Cox, sir," says he; smiling, too, as the very pattern of mine. -"My name, sir, is Sharpus—Blunt, Hone, and Sharpus, Middle Temple-lane,— -and I am proud to salute you, sir; happy,—that is to say, sorry to say, -that Mr. Tuggeridge, of Portland Place, is dead, and your lady is -heiress, in consequence, to one of the handsomest properties in the -kingdom." - -At this I started, and might have sunk to the ground, but for my hold of -Mr. Bar's nose; Orlando seemed putrified to stone, with his irons fixed -to Mr. Hock's head; our respective patients gave a wince out:—Mrs. C., -Jemimarann, and Tug, rushed from the back shop, and we formed that -splendid tableau which the great Cruikshank has here depicted! - -"And Mr. John Tuggeridge, sir?" says I. - -"Why—hee, hee, hee!" says Mr. Sharpus; "surely you know that he was only -the—hee, hee, hee!—the natural son!" - -You now can understand why the servants from Portland Place had been so -eager to come to us: one of the housemaids heard Mr. Sharpus say there -was no will, and that my wife was heir to the property, and not Mr. John -Tuggeridge: this she told in the housekeeper's room; and off, as soon as -they heard it, the whole party set, in order to be the first to bear the -news. - -We kept them, every one, in their old places; for, though my wife would -have sent them about their business, my dear Jemimarann just hinted, -"Mamma, you know _they_ have been used to great houses, and we have not; -had we not better keep them for a little?"—Keep them then, we did, to -show us how to be gentlefolks. - -I handed over the business to Mr. Crump without a single farthing of -premium, though Jemmy would have made me take four hundred pounds for -it; but this I was above: Crump had served me faithfully, and have the -shop he should. - -[Illustration: - - FEBRUARY.—First Rout -] - - FEBRUARY. [1840. - -[Illustration] - - - A PENNY POST-OBIT. - -MY DEAR FRIEND,—I write you this letter to explain to you why you have -next to nothing to pay for it. The Government has settled the business; -and the Chancellor of the Exchequer has resolved to set his revenue _a -going by the Post_. We are to pay a penny for a letter, which is -expected to have upon it the stamp of the Post Office, and of public -approbation at the same time. I hardly think it will. Some of the -community are looking dull about it already. There is a _pence_-ive air -about the two—I beg pardon, the—one penny postmen, which strikes every -one. They intimate that it is gammon to load a man with an additional -hundredweight of paper, and to call _that_ a _reduction of public duty_. -It clearly affects people of that _stamp_; and the public surmise it may -even touch the Newspapers. In short, they say that the _Times_ will be -quite altered by the _Post_. Ladies generally seem to like the idea, but -there is a visible depression in the _mails_. Many a _coachman_ has been -thrown off his _guard_, and surprised into a most determined alteration -of _carriage_. The Government will be a political mid-wife, engaged in -an everlasting delivery. London is already afflicted with a metropolitan -rheumatism, produced by the introduction of fresh draughts into -passages, the carpenters having cut holes in all the street-doors. -Sanguine people, however, retain their knockers, in the hope of getting -the reward offered for the discovery of _perpetual motion_! They say -there is to be an issue of more than a million of letters a day; but men -are a little at issue about this. There must be some truth in it, -however, as two thousand counters have been engaged,—one thousand to -_count_ them, and the other to _count them upon_. Sorters of all sorts -are employed. At the Post Offices, at all hours, the _pigeon_ holes will -be surrounded by _carriers_. The poor fellows will be like muskets, -perpetually _going off_. Rowland Hill has invented this scheme; but the -postmen do not complain of him so much as of the other _hills_ they must -trudge over with their great bags of letters. The only district there is -any contention for is _Bag shot_ heath, once famous for highwaymen; they -say, however, that we are _all_ highwaymen now, and do nothing but make -them "_stand and deliver_" from morning till night. Some mercantile -quarrels have sprung out of the new regulation. For instance, there is a -good deal of _milling_ among the paper-makers. The march of paper will -be prodigious—the French say we shall have none left, that it will be -all _papier marché_! Men, women, and children are to write—right or -wrong. Enjoinments to this duty—now the other duty is off—press from all -quarters. "Be sure you send me plenty of _notes_," says the son, -departing for College. "Write to me often, _Billy, do_," asks the -affectionate mother of her school-going child. Love-letters, containing -mutual _pledges_, will be _popped_ into the post by thousands; and -hearts gone passed _redemption_ will be slipped recklessly through a -hole in the door. It is uncertain whether orators will not cease -_spouting_, and singers write the notes which they formerly would have -_uttered_. Ironmongers are looking up—and _forgery_ is going on -famously—in consequence of the great demand for steam _steal_ pens. -Manifold-writers are quite exhausted. I confess, I do not like the -system myself—as it's Hill's, it has its ills; any good in it will -appear on an examination— - - POST MORTEM. - - - FEBRUARY.—FIRST ROUT. - -We were speedily installed in our fine house: but what's a house without -friends? Jemmy made me _cut_ all my old acquaintances in the market, and -I was a solitary being, when, luckily, an old acquaintance of ours, -Captain Tagrag, was so kind as to promise to introduce us into -distinguished society. Tagrag was the son of a baronet, and had done us -the honour of lodging with us for two years; when we lost sight of him, -and of his little account, too, by the way. A fortnight after, hearing -of our good fortune, he was among us again, however; and Jemmy was not a -little glad to see him, knowing him to be a baronet's son, and very fond -of our Jemimarann; indeed, Orlando (who is as brave as a lion) had, on -one occasion, absolutely beaten Mr. Tagrag for being rude to the poor -girl; a clear proof, as Tagrag said afterwards, that he was always fond -of her. - -Mr. Crump, poor fellow, was not very much pleased by our good fortune, -though he did all he could to try, at first; and I told him to come and -take his dinner regular, as if nothing had happened. But to this Jemima -very soon put a stop, for she came very justly to know her stature, and -to look down on Crump, which she bid her daughter to do; and, after a -great scene, in which Orlando showed himself very rude and angry, he was -forbidden the house—for ever! - -So much for poor Crump. The Captain was now all in all with us. "You -see, sir," our Jemmy would say, "we shall have our town and country -mansion, and a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the funds to leave -between our two children; and, with such prospects, they ought surely to -have the first society of England." To this Tagrag agreed, and promised -to bring us acquainted with the very pink of the fashion; ay, and what's -more, did. - -First, he made my wife get an opera-box, and give suppers on Tuesdays -and Saturdays. As for me, he made me ride in the park; me and -Jemimarann, with two grooms behind us, who used to laugh all the way, -and whose very beards I had shaved. As for little Tug, he was sent -straight off to the most fashionable school in the kingdom, the Rev. -Doctor Pigney's, at Richmond. - -Well, the horses, the suppers, the opera-box, the paragraphs in the -papers about Mr. Coxe Coxe (that's the way, double your name, and stick -an 'e' to the end of it, and you are a gentleman at once), had an effect -in a wonderfully short space of time, and we began to get a very pretty -society about us. Some of old Tug's friends swore they would do anything -for the family, and brought their wives and daughters to see dear Mrs. -Cox and her charming girl; and when, about the first week in February, -we announced a grand dinner and ball, for the evening of the -twenty-eighth, I assure you there was no want of company; no, nor of -titles neither; and it always does my heart good even to hear one -mentioned. - -Let me see, there was, first, my Lord Dunbooze, an Irish peer, and his -seven sons, the Honourable Messieurs Trumper (two only to dinner); there -was Count Mace, the celebrated French nobleman, and his Excellency Baron -Von Punter, from Baden; there was Lady Blanch Bluenose, the eminent -literati, author of "The Distrusted," "The Distorted," "The Disgusted," -"The Disreputable One," and other poems; there was the Dowager Lady Max, -and her daughter, the Honourable Miss Adelaide Blueruin; Sir Charles -Codshead, from the City; and Field-Marshal Sir Gorman O'Gallagher, K.A., -K.B., K.C., K.W., K.X., in the service of the republic of Guatemala: my -friend Tagrag, and his fashionable acquaintance, little Tom Tufthunt, -made up the party; and when the doors were flung open, and Mr. Hock, in -black, with a white napkin, three footmen, coachman, and a lad, whom -Mrs. C. had dressed in sugar-loaf buttons, and called a page, were seen -round the dinner-table, all in white gloves, I promise you I felt a -thrill of elation, and thought to myself—Sam Cox, Sam Cox, who ever -would have expected to see you here? - -After dinner, there was to be, as I said, an evening party; and to this -Messieurs Tagrag and Tufthunt had invited many of the principal nobility -that our metropolis has produced. When I mention, among the company to -tea, her Grace the Duchess of Zero, her son the Marquis of Fitzurse, and -the Ladies North Pole, her daughters; when I say that there were yet -_others_, whose names may be found in the Blue Book, but shan't, out of -modesty, be mentioned here, I think I've said enough to show that, in -our time, No. 96, Portland Place, was the resort of the best company. - -It was our first dinner, and dressed by our new cook, Munseer -Cordongblew. I bore it very well, eating, for my share, a filly dysol -allamater dotell, a cutlet soubeast, a pully bashymall, and other French -dishes: and, for the frisky sweet wine, with tin tops to the bottles, -called Champang, I must say that me and Mrs. Coxe-Tuggeridge-Coxe drank -a very good share of it (but the Claret and Jonnysberger, being sour, we -did not much relish); however, the feed, as I say, went off very well, -Lady Blanch Bluenose sitting next to me, and being so good as to put me -down for six copies of all her poems; the Count and Baron Von Punter -engaging Jemimarann for several waltzes, and the Field-Marshal plying my -dear Jemmy with Champang until, bless her! her dear nose became as red -as her new crimson satin gown, which, with a blue turban and -Bird-of-Paradise feathers, made her look like an Empress, I warrant. - -Well, dinner past, Mrs. C. and the ladies went off:—thunder-under-under -came the knocks at the door; squeedle-eedle-eedle, Mr. Wippert's -fiddlers began to strike up; and, about half-past eleven, me and the -gents thought it high time to make our appearance. I felt a _little_ -squeamish at the thought of meeting a couple of hundred great people; -but Count Mace, and Sir Gorman O'Gallagher taking each an arm, we -reached, at last, the drawing-room. - -The young ones in company were dancing, and the Duchess and the great -ladies were all seated, talking to themselves very stately, and working -away at the ices and macaroons. I looked out for my pretty Jemimarann -amongst the dancers, and saw her tearing round the room along with Baron -Punter, in what they call a gallypard; then I peeped into the circle of -the Duchesses, where, in course, I expected to find Mrs. C.; but she -wasn't there! She was seated at the farther end of the room, looking -very sulky; and I went up, and took her arm, and brought her down to the -place where the Duchesses were. "O, not there!" said Jemmy, trying to -break away. "Nonsense, my dear," says I, "you are Missis, and this is -your place:"—then, going up to her Ladyship the Duchess, says I, "Me and -my Missis are most proud of the honour of seeing of you." - -The Duchess (a tall red-haired grenadier of a woman) did not speak. - -I went on. "The young ones are all at it, ma'am, you see: and so we -thought we would come and sit down among the old ones. You and I, ma'am, -I think, are too stiff to dance." - -"Sir?" says her Grace. - -"Ma'am," says I, "don't you know me? my name's Cox—nobody's introduced -me; but, dash it, it's my own house, and I may present myself—so give us -your hand, ma'am." - -And I shook hers in the kindest way in the world: but, would you believe -it? the old cat screamed as if my hand had been a hot 'tater. "Fitzurse! -Fitzurse!" shouted she; "help! help!" Up scuffled all the other -Dowagers—in rushed the dancers. "Mamma! mamma!" squeaked Lady Julia -North Pole. "Lead me to my mother," howled Lady Aurorer; and both came -up and flung themselves into her arms. "Wawt's the raw?" said Lord -Fitzurse, sauntering up quite stately. - -"Protect me from the insults of this man," says her Grace. "Where's -Tufthunt? he promised that not a soul in this house should speak to me." - -"My dear Duchess," said Tufthunt, very meek. - -"Don't Duchess _me_, sir. Did you not promise they should not speak; and -hasn't that horrid tipsy wretch offered to embrace me? Didn't his -monstrous wife sicken me with her odious familiarities? Call my people, -Tufthunt! Follow me, my children!" - -"And my carriage; and mine, and mine!" shouted twenty more voices; and -down they all trooped to the hall: Lady Blanch Bluenose, and Lady Max -among the very first; leaving only the Field-Marshal, and one or two -men, who roared with laughter ready to split. - -"O, Sam," said my wife, sobbing, "why would you take me back to them? -they had sent me away before! I only asked the Duchess whether she -didn't like rum-shrub better than all your Maxarinos and Curasosos: and, -would you believe it? all the company burst out laughing; and the -Duchess told me just to keep off, and not speak till I was spoken to. -Imperence! I'd like to tear her eyes out." - -And so I lo believe my dearest Jemmy would! - - - TOM THE DEVIL. - A FRAGMENT OF THE BIOGRAPHY OF 1839. - - "I do declare, upon an affidavit, - Romance I've never read like that I've seen: - Nor, if unto the world I ever gave it, - Would some believe that such a tale had been!"—_Byron._ - -It was a little past the noon of a lovely day in the last Autumn, that, -as I rode towards the Doncaster race-course, to enjoy an hour of its -rural revelries, before the serious business of the Leger commenced, I -found myself hailed by a voice, and an arm of a red silk _robe de -chambre_, from a drawing-room window of the "Salutation." Now, when we -set out in prepense search of adventure, it don't require the song of -the Syrens to induce us to luff up to a hail. Turning under the gateway, -therefore, I dismounted, and taking my way upstairs, made the apartment -for which I was bound, with but little difficulty. The chamber was, -certainly, not the worst specimen I had ever seen of the unfortunate -world whereof it formed an item. The appointments combined no ordinary -degree of comfort and elegance, while a table, placed at one of the -windows, was stocked after a manner that would have done honour to the -corporation of Bristol. Among various _plats_, consisting of cold -partridges, French patés, devil'd grouse, and varieties of choice fruit, -arose the graceful forms of tapering flasks, eloquent of many a rare and -precious vintage. The lord or all, arrayed in a robe of scarlet silk, -lined with purple of a like material, lay, dishevelled, in Sybarite -indulgence, upon a sofa adjoining this teeming board. "_Couchant_," I -knew him not; but as he rose to receive me, there, in that silk attire, -stood confessed the worthy, a fragment of whose biography I am now in -the act of perpetuating—the veritable hero of these presents, even Tom -the Devil himself. As my acquaintance with him at the time (and indeed -in all subsequent experience) was of a very desultory character, this -introduction of him to the reader must be of a similar nature. Ireland -was the land of his birth; but the particulars of his parentage were -less definitely ascertained. I was assured he had _an uncle_ (from an -episode in his life that it is not convenient here to enter upon), and, -indeed, he himself admitted that he was in the habit of frequent -intercourse with a person distinguished by that appellation. However, -for our present purpose, it is enough that he was an eccentric, endowed -with little of the tedious coherence of the merely common-place. When we -laugh at the samples of his compatriots, put before us by the playwright -and the actor, we regard them as pleasant burlesques, cleverly, though -unnaturally, got up. Reader! if haply thou hast had no personal -experience of Erin as it is, permit me to offer thee this characteristic -fragment. - -"Ould fellow," said the fiend, clutching my hand in a monstrous horny -fist, "by my sowl, I'm grately plazed to meet ye in these parts: when -did ye come to Doncaster? and where do ye hang out? and how long do ye -stop?" "Came by the Edinburgh mail yesterday morning; at my old lodgings -at the saddler's, nearly opposite the Rooms: leave for town to-morrow," -said I. "That's a nate way of doing business, sure enough," was the -commentary; "ounly I can't larn the sinse of going to a private lodging, -where, if you ordher a kidney for breakfast, you're expected to fork out -to the butcher. See how _I_ carry on the war, and never hard the ghost -of an inquiry about coin sense I sot fut in the house. A hotel's the -place for me! I've thried 'em all, from the Club-house at Kilkinny to -the Clarendon, and, by the holy poker, never wish mysilf worse luck than -such cantonments! Arrah! what more does a man require than a place -where, if he wants a bottle of claret, all he has to do is to ring the -bell for it? Dine with me to-night," continued the social economist; -"they put you to trough very respectably in this same shop: ask, and -have, that's the ticket." I declined, with thanks; urging a previous -engagement, and made a demonstration of leave-taking.—"Fill a bumper of -sparkling burgundy before you go, any how," said my hospitable host; -"you'll find it a gentlemanly morning tipple! if this be war, may we -never have pace; here's to our next merry meeting, and may we never know -the want of oceans of wine, plantations of tobacco, cart-loads of pipes, -lots of purty girls, and a large room to swear in.—Farewell." - -About a fortnight after the date to which the foregoing refers, chance -placed me in Dublin, and the coffee-room of Morisson's hotel, towards -eight, P.M., with the remnant of a bottle of Sneyd and Barton's -"twenty-two" before me. With his back to one of the fires stood what had -all the outward appearance of a scare-crow—a figure made up of a coat -that no respectable old clothesman would degrade his bag withal, and a -superlatively "shocking bad hat." The waiters were eyeing it in a most -suspicious manner, and I was wondering why they didn't kick it into the -street, when, to my utter amazement, the "horrible illusion" stalked -towards the place where I sat, and, in accents familiar to my ear, -wheezed out, "Ould fellow, by my sowl I'm grately plazed to meet ye in -these parts!" There could be no mistake about it—Tom, it was—"sed quanto -mutatus ab illo _diabolo_." "A chair," said I, to a waiter who was now -staring at us both, like the Trojan who drew Priam's curtain—"bring a -chair and another wine-glass;" and pouring a bumper, I pushed it towards -my _vis-à-vis_. "Drink, Tom," I continued; "whatever maybe your object -in this masquerading, a drain of Bordeaux will never hurt you: drink, -and then, unless it's treason, leave off your damnable faces and begin." -"Masquerading!" exclaimed the scurvy libel upon the Doncaster -Sardanapalus, with a smile as much out of character on such a face as a -rose in an undertaker's button-hole; "by the piper of Blessingtown, it's -rale arnest! Unless the smell of mate be disagreeable to you after -dinner, for the honour of dacency tell them to get me a few steakes -without delay: I'm as full of wind as a blown blather: like my ould -coat, I'm dying of the stitches." Several handsome sections of a sirloin -having been disposed of, without the ceremony of oyster sauce, and a -wish for materials for punch (expressed with a look of intense -yearning), duly administered to, "the Devil" thus detailed his progress -since our parting:— - -"It's mighty nice for philosophers, on three courses and a dessert, to -talk about the uses of adversity being sweet; but if they'll thry a -genuine sample of it, say a can of poorhouse soup (biling dish-wather, -flavoured with a farthing rushlight to the gallon), perhaps they would -alther their opinions a _leetle_. However, there's no need for these -reflections now. How did the Leger serve you?—I lost (that was of very -little consequence)—but I didn't win, and that _was_, as I was entirely -without funds just thin. Well, I wint to ould——'s, at night (having -transmogrified what odd togs I could muster into cash, by the assistance -of _my father's brother_), and if it had been '_vingt un_,' or '_loo_,' -we were playing, my fortune would have been made, for I got aces by the -baker's dozen. But at hazard they're not the thing: so I was turned -inside out as clane as a pudden-bag—indeed rather claner, as they got -out of me about four times as much as ever I contained. Whin I rose to -lave the house (who was to stay there with such a run against him?), the -blaggards objected to my taking my Macintosh and hat with me, bad luck -to them! and so I had to return home as classically undressed as William -the Third in College Green. A man without hat or coat, however, isn't so -well thought of now-a-days as among the ancient Romans; and, as -misfortunes never come alone, without half a score to keep them company, -I found my credit at the hotel had gone to look after that which I left -at ould——'s hazard-table. No gentleman should ever demane himself by -running the risk of a notice to quit; so, instead of stopping at the -race-ground next morning, I walked quietly on to Newark. It's raly a -purty walk from Doncaster to Liverpool—that is to say, for those who are -fond of pedesthrian exercise—_I_ like riding better; and so I wasn't -sorry whin I seen the Mersey rowling away on my right. Having left my -body-coat in pledge for the last night's lodging, I had to borry one -that was hanging on a stick in a pay-field, and as my shoes had given in -at Norman Cross, I was not just the cut for a fashionable hotel. A bit -of an ague I was lucky enough to pick up at Grantham, however, qualified -me for a berth in the hospital, where I remained till I was -convalescent—which manes on the brink of the grave; so I left, to save -them the trouble of burying me. There's no stepping from the pier-head -at Liverpool to the North Wall here, so that there was nothing left for -it but an application, in form of a distriss'd Irish agriculturist, to -the export committee, and they furnished me with a pass for the hould of -a steamer, and a fourpenny loaf for sea-store. If our passage hadn't -been a bad one, I should have done well enough; but my provision was out -before we reached the Orme's Head, and I was ready to ate my brogues -whin I caught sight of you. Never mind! worse luck now—better another -time; as Shakspeare says—'Life's a stage, and every man plays many -parts.' Anthony to-day, Scrub to-morrow." - - - THE DUST ABOUT THE GOLD DUST. - - A _lac_ of lost rupees might make - The loser cry, "_alack!_" - But think upon their grief who're robb'd - Of gold, and by the sack! - And what a dust they did kick up - To get their _gold dust_ back! - - To rob two British merchants thus - Did wicked Jews combine; - They knew that gold dust had arriv'd, - And what house did consign: - Said each, "Since from the _mine_ it comes, - I'll make some of it _mine_!" - - With firm right-hand a bad Clerk forg'd - The write-hand of the Firm: - The Customs gave the box (where was - Reflection, then, O _Sturm_!) - And all the bags of gold, inside, - Were bagg'd, like briefs in Term. - - They cabb'd the booty all away, - That boots might leave no tracks; - Then lugg'd the sacks out, one by one, - And laid them on their backs: - And marshall'd them all in a row, - Like troops of Marshal Saxe! - - They hid them in the pot-house low - Of Moses—"fence," and "do;" - For wealth amass'd, 'tis doubtful how, - Call'd "_Money_ Moses," too; - The world gave him that _Christian_ name, - Because he was a _Jew_! - - Now _Moses_ had a daughter, dark, - A damsel all discreet, - He gave the gold into her _hands_, - And she perform'd the _feat_ - Of selling it to a goldsmith Jew, - Another wicked cheat! - - Into the goldsmith's crucible - The bag of ore she thrust; - Then, as the dust dissolv'd, she cried, - "Come, down, now, with _your_ dust!" - And he, all in the _melting_ mood, - Said, "I suppose I must." - - At once some _pounds_ for every _ounce_ - He paid upon the spot; - A shining ingot soon was turn'd - Out of the melting-pot. - A precious scrape the Jew _got in_, - All through that same _ingot_. - - For 'mong the thieves divisions rose, - Like vinegar with oil, - They disagreed—for one would still - The other rob and foil: - And all their deep-laid schemes were _spoil'd_ - In sharing out the _spoil_. - - At last, of their dissentient rows, - A '_peach_ became the _fruit_, - One Jew, in jew-rious, blabb'd about - The dust and the dispute: - The gang were taken, and the law - Fell _cute_ to prosecute. - - Then Moses, goldsmith, damsel, clerk, - Into their pickle fell; - They found they were no sooner _sold_ - Than clapp'd into a _cell_: - From which not one of them could _bolt_, - While bolted in so well! - - At last the trial did come on, - The Court was in a throng, - The _Evidence_ against them all - Was _heavy, dense_, and strong; - Guilty the _Ju_-ry found the _Jews_, - And so might end my song:— - - But no; the lawyers found a flaw, - To keep the law at bay— - Not Bot'ny-bay—the way by which - They should be sent away— - So one or two, _by getting off_, - May still in London _stay_. - - Now all the Culprits' fates depend - On what the Judges choose; - To sin-a-gain, not Synagogue, - Their liberty they'd use: - So England hopes her Judges wont - Emancipate the Jews! - - MARCH. [1840. - -[Illustration] - - - MARCH DUST.—THE BELL SAVAGE. - -[Sidenote: SEASON'S SIGNS. - ——————— - ♈ ♂ ♒ - 'Tis hard for - dust - they may not - ring; - ♀ ♐ ♄ ⊕ - because, - in March, 'twill - buy - a King. - [Illustration: A Jolly Cock] - [Illustration: A Dustman and his Belle.]] - - That dustman's bell—that dustman's bell— - What horrid tales its tongue did tell! - He surely served his country well - Who freed us from the dustman's bell. - - When basking in the morning beams, - I revell'd in Elysian dreams, - 'Mong flowers, by Helicon's sweet bubble, - Inventing rhymes with little trouble; - What did so soon the charm dispel, - As that detested dustman's bell! - - Or, thinking all the night away, - On debts ungather'd, bills to pay; - And pondering how it might be known - Whether 'twas best to hang or drown, - I've dropped into a wearied snooze, - And quickly tied the fatal nooze, - Then, starting at my funeral knell, - Found 'twas the dustman's passing bell. - - When dining with a chosen few, - "The jolly cocks," a noble crew, - I've wander'd home supremely glorious, - And even dared to be uproarious, - The champagne mounting in my head, - Not knowing how I got to bed; - And, waking with the dawn, I've found - The room and bed-post turning round; - What time, in accents loud and clear, - My loving, lawful, lady dear, - With curtain'd privilege elate, - And heedless of my fallen state, - The round of all my faults doth tell; - Spite of my headache and my woes, - Exhausted, I begin to doze, - And dream I hear the dustman's bell, - - That dustman's bell—that dustman's bell, &c. - -15. Animal Magnetism Exhibitions stopped at the North London Hospital. - -[Illustration] - - The cunning patient, we are told, - Would only move when touch'd by gold. - That would not suit the learned elves; - The Doctors wanted it themselves. - -25. Gold-dust robbery. New version of "The Golden Fleece." - -[Illustration: - - MARCH.—A day with the Surrey Hounds -] - - - MARCH.—A DAY WITH THE SURREY HOUNDS. - -Our ball had failed so completely, that Jemmy, who was bent still upon -fashion, caught eagerly at Tagrag's suggestion, and went down to -Tuggeridgeville. If we had a difficulty to find friends in town, here -there was none; for the whole county came about us, ate our dinners and -suppers, danced at our balls—ay, and spoke to us too. We were great -people, in fact; I a regular country gentleman; and, as such, Jemmy -insisted that I should be a sportsman, and join the county hunt. "But," -says I, "my love, I can't ride." "Pooh! Mr. C.," she said, "you're -always making difficulties; you thought you couldn't dance a quadrille; -you thought you couldn't dine at seven o'clock; you thought you couldn't -lie in bed after six; and haven't you done every one of these things? -You must and you shall ride!" And when my Jemmy said "must and shall," I -knew very well there was nothing for it: so I sent down fifty guineas to -the hunt, and, out of compliment to me, the very next week I received -notice that the meet of the hounds would take place at Squashtail -Common, just outside of my lodge-gates. - -I didn't know what a meet was; and me and Mrs. C. agreed that it was -most probable the dogs were to be fed there: however, Tagrag explained -this matter to us, and very kindly promised to sell me a horse, a -delightful animal of his own; which, being desperately pressed for -money, he would let me have for a hundred guineas, he himself having -given a hundred and fifty for it. - -Well, the Thursday came; the hounds met on Squashtail Common; Mrs. C. -turned out in her barouche to see us throw off; and being helped up on -my chestnut horse, Trumpeter, by Tagrag and my head groom, I came -presently round to join them. - -Tag mounted his own horse; and as we walked down the avenue, "I -thought," he said, "you told me you knew how to ride; and that you had -ridden once fifty miles on a stretch!" - -"And so I did," says I: "to Cambridge, and on the box too." - -"_On the box?_" says he; "but did you ever mount a horse before?" - -"Never," says I, "but I find it mighty easy." - -"Well," says he, "you're mighty bold for a barber; and I like you, Coxe, -for your spirit;" and so we came out of the gate. - -As for describing the hunt, I own, fairly, I can't. I've been at a hunt, -but what a hunt is—why the horses _will_ go among the dogs and ride them -down—why the men cry out "yooooic"—why the dogs go snuffling about in -threes and fours, and the huntsman says, "Good Towler—good Betsy;" and -we all of us after him, say, "Good Towler—good Betsy" in course: then, -after hearing a yelp here, and a howl there, tow, row, yow, yow, yow! -bursts out, all of a sudden, from three or four of them, and the chap in -the velvet cap screeches out (with a number of oaths I shan't repeat -here), "Hark, to Ringwood!" and then, "There he goes!" says some one; -and all of a sudden, helter skelter, skurry hurry, slap bang, hooping, -screeching, and hurraing, blue coats and red coats, bays and greys, -horses, dogs, donkeys, butchers, baronets, dustmen, and blackguard boys, -go tearing, all together, over the common after two or three of the pack -that yowl the loudest. Why all this is, I can't say, but it all took -place the second Thursday of last March, in my presence. - -Up to this I'd kept my seat as well as the best, for we'd only been -trotting gently about the field until the dogs found: and I managed to -stick on very well; but directly the tow-rowing began, off went -Trumpeter like a thunderbolt, and I found myself playing among the dogs -like the donkey among the chickens. "Back, Mr. Coxe," holloas the -huntsman; and so I pulled very hard, and cried out, Wo! but he wouldn't; -and on I went galloping for the dear life. How I kept on is a wonder; -but I squeezed my knees in very tight, and shoved my feet very hard into -the stirrups, and kept stiff hold of the scruff of Trumpeter's neck, and -looked betwixt his ears as well as ever I could, and trusted to luck, -for I was in a mortal fright, sure enough, as many a better man would be -in such a case, let alone a poor hairdresser. - -As for the hounds, after my first riding in among them, I tell you, -honestly, I never saw so much as the tip of one of their tails; nothing -in this world did I see except Trumpeter's dun-coloured mane, and that I -gripped firm: riding, by the blessing of luck, safe through the walking, -the trotting, the galloping, and never so much as getting a tumble. - -There was a chap at Croydon, very well known as the "Spicy Dustman," -who, when he could get no horse to ride to the hounds, turned regularly -out on his donkey; and on this occasion made one of us. He generally -managed to keep up with the dogs, by trotting quietly through the cross -roads, and knowing the country well. Well, having a good guess where the -hounds would find, and the line that sly Reynolds (as they call the fox) -would take, the Spicy Dustman turned his animal down the lane, from -Squashtail to Cutshins Common, across which, sure enough, came the whole -hunt. There's a small hedge and a remarkably fine ditch here; some of -the leading chaps took both, in gallant style; others went round by a -gate, and so would I, only I couldn't; for Trumpeter would have the -hedge, and be-hanged to him, and went right for it. - -Hoop! if ever you _did_ try a leap! Out go your legs, out fling your -arms, off goes your hat; and the next thing you feel, that is, _I_ did, -is a most tremendous thwack across the chest, and my feet jerked out of -the stirrups; me left in the branches of a tree; Trumpeter gone clean -from under me, and walloping and floundering in the ditch underneath. -One of the stirrup-leathers had caught in a stake, and the horse -couldn't get away; and neither of us, I thought, ever _would_ have got -away; but, all of sudden, who should come up the lane but the Spicy -Dustman! - -"Holloa!" says I, "you gent, just let us down from this here tree!" - -"Lor!" says he, "I'm blest if I didn't take you for a robin." - -"Let's down," says I; but he was all this time employed in disengaging -Trumpeter, whom he got out of the ditch, trembling and as quiet as -possible. "Let's down," says I. "Presently," says he; and taking off his -coat, he begins whistling and swishing down Trumpeter's sides and -saddle; and, when he had finished, what do you think the rascal did?—he -just quietly mounted on Trumpeter's back, and shouts out, "Git down -yourself, old Bears-grease; you've only to drop! _I'll_ give your oss a -hairing arter them 'ounds; and you, vy you may ride back my pony to -Tuggeridgeweal!" And with this, I'm blest if he didn't ride away, -leaving me holding, as for the dear life, and expecting every minute the -branch would break. - -It _did_ break too, and down I came into the slush; and when I got out -of it, I can tell you I didn't look much like the Venuses or the Apollor -Belvidearis what I used to dress and titivate up for my shop-window, -when I was in the hairdressing line, or smell quite so elegant as our -rose-oil. Faugh! what a figure I was! - -I had nothing for it but to mount the dustman's donkey (which was very -quietly cropping grass in the hedge), and to make my way home; and after -a weary, weary journey, I arrived at my own gate. - -A whole party was assembled there. Tagrag, who had come back; their -Excellencies Mace and Punter, who were on a visit; and a number of -horses walking up and down before the whole of the gentlemen of the -hunt, who had come in after losing their fox! "Here's Squire Coxe!" -shouted the grooms. Out rushed the servants, out poured the gents of the -hunt, and on trotted poor me, digging into the donkey, and everybody -dying with laughter at me. - -Just as I got up to the door, a horse came galloping up, and passed me; -a man jumped down, and taking off a fantail-hat, came up, very gravely, -to help me down. - -"Squire," says he, "how came you by that there hanimal? Jist git down, -will you, and give it to its howner." - -"Rascal!" says I, "didn't you ride off on my horse?" - -"Was there ever sich ingratitude?" says the Spicy. "I found this year -oss in a pond, I saves him from drowning, I brings him back to his -master, and he calls me a rascal!" - -The grooms, the gents, the ladies in the balcony, my own servants, all -set up a roar at this; and so would I, only I was so deucedly ashamed as -not to be able to laugh just then. - -And so my first day's hunting ended. Tagrag and the rest declared I -showed great pluck, and want me to try again; but "no," says I, "I -_have_ been." - -[Illustration: - - APRIL.—The finishing touch -] - - 1840.] APRIL. - -[Illustration] - - - CAUGHT AT CATCHING. - -[Sidenote: WEATHER. - The - Weather-Prophet, - foiled, - doth loudly - vow, - [Illustration: _Gentle_ Sport.] - though - wrong before, - I'm sure I've - hit it now;] - - To angle o' April! Shame and wicked deed, - Debarr'd, like March, from Anglo-Saxon lad; - Nor May _net_ profit must the fisher heed, - For bad it is, and so it is for-bad! - - In these—the _fence_ months—'tis of_fence_: for men - To fish among the spawn were cruel sign: - _John Bull_ should leave his _Hook_, and fishers then - Should be employed in quite another _line_. - - 'Twere graceless sure to fright the little _fry_ - From family peace:—the Mayor, their quiet heeding - The _die_ has cast that _then_ they should not _die_, - Besides 'twould plainly be against _good breeding_! - - The Thames is the _Mayor's nest_—a bitter dish - His Lordship gives its spoilers—name of fear; - Why 'tis admitted, even by the fish, - _Diet of Worms_ was never more severe! - - He _tackles_ all the fishers: rightly deems - The sink of nets a sink of sin!—for boat, - To ply the angler, _wherry_ wicked seems; - He will not have a single float afloat! - - In _March_, upon the Thames, _march_ no man must; - _April_ must heed his _reign_—Invade the spot, - And out of water he'll kick up a dust; - The year says _May_,—but he says you _may not_. - - Woe to the mortal who shall _founder_ there! - Let man shun Mansion House, and Lord Mayor's search; - He, like an eagle, sits, with savage stare, - Defying all the world to touch—his _perch_! - - MORAL. - - Fishers! forego your line for three months' length, - And _fence_, don't fish, in _fence_ months now; for mind, - Tho' every _week_ the Mayor put out his _strength_, - If there you are not _found_ you are not _fined_! - -[Illustration: - - Taking to their Eels. "The Bailiffs are coming, Oh dear! oh dear!" -] - - - APRIL.—THE FINISHING TOUCH. - -I was always fond of billiards: and in former days, at Grogram's, in -Greek Street, where a few jolly lads of my acquaintance used to meet -twice a week for a game, and a snug pipe and beer, I was generally voted -the first man of the club; and could take five from John the marker -himself. I had a genius, in fact, for the game; and now that I was -placed in that station of life where I could cultivate my talents, I -gave them full play, and improved amazingly. I do say that I think -myself as good a hand as any chap in England. - -The Count, and his Excellency Baron von Punter, were, I can tell you, -astonished by the smartness of my play; the first two or three rubbers -Punter beat me, but when I came to know his game, I used to knock him -all to sticks; or, at least, win six games to his four: and such was the -betting upon me: his Excellency losing large sums to the Count, who knew -what play was, and used to back me. I did not play except for shillings, -so my skill was of no great service to me. - -One day I entered the billiard-room when these three gentlemen were high -in words. "The thing shall not be done," I heard Captain Tagrag say. "I -won't stand it." - -"Vat, begause you would have de bird all to yourzelf, hey?" said the -Baron. - -"You sall not have a single fezare of him, begar," said the Count. "Ve -vill blow you, M. de Taguerague; parole d'honneur, ve vill." - -"What's all this, gents," says I, stepping in, "about birds and -feathers?" - -"Oh," says Tagrag, "we were talking about—about—pigeon-shooting. The -Count, here, says he will blow a bird all to pieces at twenty yards, and -I said I wouldn't stand it, because it was regular murder." - -"Oh, yase, it was bidgeon-shooting," cries the Baron: "and I know no -better sport. Have you been bidgeon-shooting, my dear Squire? De fon is -gabidal." "No doubt," says I, "for the shooters, but mighty bad sport -for the _pigeon_;" and this joke set them all a laughing ready to die. I -didn't know then what a good joke it _was_, neither; but I gave Master -Baron that day a precious good beating, and walked off with no less than -fifteen shillings of his money. - -As a sporting man, and a man of fashion, I need not say that I took in -the "Flare-up," regularly; ay, and wrote one or two trifles in that -celebrated publication (one of my papers, which Tagrag subscribed for -me, Philo-pestitiæamicus, on the proper sauce for teal and widgeon; and -the other, signed Scru-tatos, on the best means of cultivating the -kidney species of that vegetable, made no small noise at the time, and -got me in the paper a compliment from the editor). I was a constant -reader of the Notices to Correspondents, and my early education having -been rayther neglected (for I was taken from my studies and set, as is -the custom in our trade, to practise on a sheep's-head at the tender age -of nine years, before I was allowed to venture on the human -countenance), I say, being thus curtailed and cut off in my classical -learning, I must confess I managed to pick up a pretty smattering of -genteel information from that treasury of all sorts of knowledge, at -least sufficient to make me a match in learning for all the noblemen and -gentlemen who came to our house. Well, on looking over the "Flare-up" -notices to correspondents, I read, one day last April, among the -notices, as follows:— - -"'Automodon.' We do not know the precise age of Mr. Baker, of Covent -Garden Theatre; nor are we aware if that celebrated son of Thespis is a -married man. - -"'Ducks and Green-peas' is informed, that when A plays his rook to B's -second Knight's square, and B, moving two squares with his Queen's pawn, -gives check to his adversary's Queen, there is no reason why B's Queen -should not take A's pawn, if B be so inclined. - -"'F. L. S.' We have repeatedly answered the question about Madame -Vestris: her maiden name was Bartolozzi, and she married the son of -Charles Mathews, the celebrated comedian. - -"'Fair Play.' The best amateur billiard and écarté player in England, is -Coxe Tuggeridge Coxe, Esq., of Portland Place, and Tuggeridgeville: -Jonathan, who knows his play, can only give him two in a game of a -hundred: and at the cards, _no_ man is his superior. Verbum sap. - -"'Scipio Americanus' is a blockhead." - -I read this out to the Count and Tagrag, and both of them wondered how -the Editor of that tremendous Flare-up should get such information; and -both agreed that the Baron, who still piqued himself absurdly on his -play, would be vastly annoyed by seeing me preferred thus to himself. We -read him the paragraph, and preciously angry he was. "Id is," he cried, -"the tables (or 'de _dabels_,' as he called them), de horrid dabels; gom -viz me to London, and dry a slate-table, and I vill beat you." We all -roared at this; and the end of the dispute was, that, just to satisfy -the fellow, I agreed to play his Excellency at slate-tables, or any -tables he chose. - -"Gut," says he, "gut; I lif, you know, at Abednego's, in de Quadrant; -his dabels is goot; ve vill blay dere, if you vill;" and I said, I -would: and it was agreed that, one Saturday night, when Jemmy was at the -Opera, we should go to the Baron's rooms, and give him a chance. - -We went, and the little Baron had as fine a supper as ever I saw; lots -of champagne (and I didn't mind drinking it), and plenty of laughing and -fun. Afterwards, down we went to billiards. "Is dish Mishter Coxsh, de -shelebrated player?" says Mr. Abednego, who was in the room, with one or -two gentlemen of his own persuasion, and several foreign noblemen, -dirty, snuffy, and hairy, as them foreigners are. "Is dish Mishter -Coxsh? blesh ma hart, it is a honer to see you, I have heard so much of -your play." - -"Come, come," says I, "sir;" for I'm pretty wide awake; "none of your -gammon; you're not going to hook _me_." - -"No, begar, dis fish you not catch," says Count Mace. - -"Dat is gut! haw! haw!" snorted the Baron: "hook him! lieber himmel, you -might dry and hook me as well. Haw! haw!" - -Well, we went to play. "Fife to four on Coxe," screams out the Count.— -"Done and done," says another nobleman. "Ponays," says the Count.— -"Done," says the nobleman. "I vill take your six crowns to four," says -the Baron.—"Done," says I; and, in the twinkling of an eye, I beat him;— -once making thirteen off the balls without stopping. - -We had some more wine after this; and if you could have seen the long -faces of the other noblemen, as they pulled out their pencils and wrote -I O U's for the Count. "Va toujours, mon cher," says he to me, "you have -von for me tree hundred pounds." - -"I'll blay you guineas dis time," says the Baron. "Zeven to four you -must give me, though;" and so I did: and in ten minutes _that_ game was -won, and the Baron handed over his pounds. "Two hundred and sixty more, -my dear, dear Coxe," says the Count; "you are mon ange gardien!" "Wot a -flat Mishter Coxsh ish, not to back his luck," I heard Abednego whisper -to one of the foreign noblemen. - -"I'll take your seven to four, in tens," said I to the Baron. "Give me -three," says he, "and done." I gave him three, and lost the game by one. -"Dobbel, or quits," says he. "Go it," says I, up to my mettle; "Sam Coxe -never says no;"—and to it we went. I went in, and scored eighteen to his -five. "Holy Moshesh!" says Abednego, "dat little Coxsh is a vonder! -who'll take odds?" - -"I'll give twenty to one," says I, "in guineas." - -"Ponays, yase, done," screams out the Count. - -"_Bonies_, done," roars out the Baron: and before I could speak, went -in, and, would you believe it?—in two minutes he somehow made the game! - - * * * * * - -Oh, what a figure I cut when my dear Jemmy heard of this afterwards!—In -vain I swore it was guineas: the Count and the Baron swore to ponies; -and when I refused, they both said their honour was concerned, and they -must have my life, or their money. So when the Count showed me actually -that, in spite of this bet (which had been too good to resist) won from -me, he had been a very heavy loser by the night; and brought me the word -of honour of Abednego, his Jewish friend, and the foreign noblemen, that -ponies had been betted;—why, I paid one thousand pounds sterling of good -and lawful money;—but I've not played for money since: no, no; catch me -at _that_ again, if you can. - - MAY. [1840. - -[Illustration] - - - MEMBERS OF THE LONDON PRESS. - -[Sidenote: WEATHER. - while forced - his dwindling - victims - to confess, - [Illustration: _A Carriage Sweep._] - "small by - degrees, and - beautifully - less."] - - A BENEFIT. - "_Sich a Gettin up Stairs._" - - Sweet Gallery squeeze, you will possess - The utmost freedom of the press; - Crowds, looking up, still pushing go, - With _stares_ above, and _stairs_ below; - The soldier first, a foremost man, - Like Bow-street culprits—_keeps the van_, - Charges the door, whose keepers stern - A "bob" will charge _him_ in return; - He's _got his step_, so with light mind - Bears all the pressure from behind; - Feels from the rear-mob, all alive, - A drive, though not a _carriage drive_: - And, lo! among them, soot-grimed deep, - A sweep, though not a _carriage sweep_. - Baker and butcher, lass and lover; - With one fat Falstaff falling over, - Sure—though he _like it_ not—to go - And _lump it_ when he gets below; - A prize John Bull, who, bulky dunce, - Takes both alternatives at once, - And quickly reaches _his first floor_, - _Dismounted_ at the Gallery Door! - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -4. Exhibition of the Royal Academy opens, at the National Gallery. - -[Illustration] - -408. Portrait of the President. ☞ - - R.A.'s are _raised_ to power: and, presto, bang! - "On _inner_ walls the cry is still 'they _hang_;'" - While many a heavy sigh the artists fetch, - "To have them _hang_ our pictures is no _ketch_." - For half their sins did justice prompt the elves, - Half the R.A. array would hang themselves! - -[Illustration] - -409. Red Deer, after LANDSEER. - -[Illustration: - - MAY—A new drop scene at the Opera. -] - - - MAY.—A NEW DROP SCENE AT THE OPERA. - -No lady is a lady without having a box at the Opera: so my Jemmy, who -knew as much about music,—bless her!—as I do about sanscrit, algebra, or -any other foreign language, took a prime box on the second tier. It was -what they called a double box; it really _could_ hold two, that is, very -comfortably; and we got it a great bargain—for five hundred a year! -Here, Tuesdays and Saturdays we used regularly to take our places, Jemmy -and Jemimarann sitting in front; me, behind: but as my dear wife used to -wear a large fantail gauze hat, with ostrich feathers, birds of -paradise, artificial flowers, and tags of muslin or satin, scattered all -over it, I'm blest if she didn't fill the whole of the front of the box; -and it was only by jumping and dodging, three or four times in the -course of the night, that I could manage to get a sight of the actors. -By kneeling down, and looking steady under my darling Jemmy's sleeve, I -_did_ contrive, every now and then, to have a peep of Senior Lablash's -boots, in the Puritanny, and once saw Madame Greasi's crown and -head-dress in Annybalony. - -What a place that Opera is, to be sure! and what enjoyments us -aristocracy used to have! Just as you have swallowed down your three -courses (three curses I used to call them; for so, indeed, they are, -causing a deal of heartburns, headaches, doctor's bills, pills, want of -sleep, and such like)—just, I say, as you get down your three courses, -which I defy any man to enjoy properly, unless he has two hours of drink -and quiet afterwards, up comes the carriage, in bursts my Jemmy, as fine -as a duchess, and scented like our shop. "Come, my dear," says she, -"it's Normy to-night (or Annybalony, or the Nosey di Figaro, or the -Gazzylarder, as the case may be); Mr. Coster strikes off punctually at -eight, and you know it's the fashion to be always present at the very -first bar of the aperture;" and so off we budge, to be miserable for -five hours, and to have a headache for the next twelve, and all because -it's the fashion! - -After the aperture, as they call it, comes the opera, which, as I am -given to understand, is the Italian for singing. Why they should sing in -Italian, I can't conceive; or why they should do nothing _but_ sing: -bless us, how I used to long for the wooden magpie in the Gazzylarder, -to fly up to the top of the church-steeple, and see the chaps with the -pitchforks to come in and carry off that wicked Don June. Not that I -don't admire Lablash, and Rubini, and his brother, Tomrubini, him who -has that fine bass voice, I mean, and acts the Corporal in the first -piece, and Don June in the second; but three hours is a _little_ too -much, for you can't sleep on those little rickety seats in the boxes. - -The opera is bad enough; but what is that to the bally? You _should_ -have seen my Jemmy the first night when she stopped to see it; and when -Madamsalls Fanny and Theresa Hustler came forward, along with a -gentleman, to dance, you should have seen how Jemmy stared, and our girl -blushed, when Madamsall Fanny, coming forward, stood on the tips of only -five of her toes, and raising up the other five, and the foot belonging -to them, almost to her shoulder, twirled round, and round, and round, -like a teetotum, for a couple of minutes or more; and as she settled -down, at last, on both feet, in a natural decent posture, you should -have heard how the house roared with applause, the boxes clapping with -all their might, and waving their handkerchiefs; the pit shouting, -"Bravo!" Some people, who, I suppose, were rather angry at such an -exhibition, threw bunches of flowers at her; and what do you think she -did? why, hang me, if she did not come forward, as though nothing had -happened, gather up the things they had thrown at her, smile, press them -to her heart, and began whirling round again, faster than ever!—Talk -about coolness, _I_ never saw such in all _my_ born days. - -"Nasty thing!" says Jemmy, starting up in a fury; "if women _will_ act -so, it serves them right to be treated so." - -"O, yes! she acts beautifully," says our friend, his Excellency, who, -along with Baron von Punter, and Tagrag, used very seldom to miss coming -to our box. - -"She may act very beautifully, Munseer, but she don't dress so; and I am -very glad they threw that orange-peel and all those things at her, and -that the people waved to her to get off." - -Here his Excellency, and the Baron, and Tag, set up a roar of laughter. -"My dear Mrs. Coxe," says Tag, "those are the most famous dancers in the -world; and we throw myrtle, geraniums, and lilies, and roses, at them, -in token of our immense admiration!" - -"Well, I never!" said my wife; and poor Jemimarann slunk behind the -curtain, and looked as red as it almost. After the one had done, the -next begun; but when, all of a sudden, a somebody came skipping and -bounding in, like an Indian-rubber ball, flinging itself up at least six -feet from the stage, and there shaking about its legs like mad, we were -more astonished than ever! - -"That's Anatole," says one of the gentlemen. - -"Anna who?" says my wife, and she might well be mistaken; for this -person had a hat and feathers, a bare neck and arms, great black -ringlets, and a little calico frock, which came down to the knees. - -"Anatole; you would not think he was sixty-three years old, he's as -active as a man of twenty." - -"_He!_" shrieked out my wife; "what, is that there a man? For shame! -Munseer. Jemimarann, dear, get your cloak, and come along; and I'll -thank you, my dear, to call our people and let us go home." - -You wouldn't think, after this, that my Jemmy, who had shown such a -horror at the bally, as they call it, should ever grow accustomed to it; -but she liked to hear her name shouted out in the crush-room, and so -would stop till the end of everything; and, law bless you! in three -weeks from that time she could look at the ballet as she would at a -dancing-dog in the streets, and would bring her double-barrelled -opera-glass up to her eyes as coolly as if she had been a born duchess. -As for me, I did at Rome as Rome does, and precious fun it used to be, -sometimes. - -My friend the Baron insisted, one night, on my going behind the scenes, -where, being a subscriber, he said I had what they call my _ontray_. -Behind then I went; and such a place you never saw nor heard of! Fancy -lots of young and old gents, of the fashion, crowding round and staring -at the actresses practising their steps. Fancy yellow, snuffy -foreigners, chattering always, and smelling fearfully of tobacco. Fancy -scores of Jews, with hooked noses, and black muzzles, covered with -rings, chains, sham diamonds, and gold waistcoats. Fancy old men, -dressed in old night-gowns, with knock-knees, and dirty flesh-coloured -cotton stockings and dabs of brickdust on their wrinkled old chops, and -tow wigs (such wigs!) for the bald ones, and great tin spears in their -hands, mayhap, or else shepherd's crooks, and fusty garlands of flowers, -made of red and green baize! Fancy troops of girls, giggling, -chattering, pushing to and fro, amidst old black canvas, Gothic halls, -thrones, pasteboard Cupids, dragons, and such like; such dirt, darkness, -crowd, confusion, and gabble of all conceivable languages was never -known! - -If you _could_ but have seen Munseer Anatole! Instead of looking twenty, -he looked a thousand. The old man's wig was off, and a barber was giving -it a touch with the tongs; Munseer was taking snuff himself, and a boy -was standing by, with a pint of beer from the public-house at the corner -of Charles-street. - -I met with a little accident, during the three-quarters of an hour which -they allow for the entertainment of us men of fashion on the stage, -before the curtain draws up for the bally, while the ladies in the boxes -are gaping, and the people in the pit are drumming with their feet and -canes in the rudest manner possible, as though they couldn't wait. - -Just at the moment before the little bell rings, and the curtain flies -up, and we scuffle off to the sides (for we always stay till the very -last moment), I was in the middle of the stage, making myself very -affable to the fair figgerantys which was spinning and twirling about -me, and asking them if they wasn't cold, and such like politeness, in -the most condescending way possible, when a bolt was suddenly withdrawn, -and down I popped, through a trap in the stage, into the place below. -Luckily, I was stopped by a piece of machinery, consisting of a heap of -green blankets, and a young lady coming up as Venus rising from the sea. -If I had not fallen so soft, I don't know what might have been the -consequence of the collusion. I never told Mrs. Coxe, for she can't bear -to hear of my paying the least attention to the fair sex. - -[Illustration: - - JUNE—Striking a balance. -] - -[Illustration] - - - GAME IN SEASON. - -2. Epsom Races.—"Surrey for the Field." - -[Illustration: - - Death of Desdemona. - - Foul—from the Moor. -] - -[Sidenote: How hard - to - bear-o, - ♌ ♄ ☿ ♒ - Faro - that's - unfair-o.] - -[Illustration: - - High game. -] - - ROULETTE AT EPSOM.—TENT SCENE. - - I'm very ill; my circulation halts - I' the blood; - Soh! shall I take a dose of Epsom salts, - Or forego Epsom salts for Epsom races? - I chose the trip before the physic-sipping, - And very prettily I paid for tripping! - - "Start fair," I cried,—I'd often started fowl - Out of the Moors,—but then I _did_ start fair: - The Course of course I reach'd, and cheek by jowl - Was standing with my _betters_, gazing there - At a horse winning at his jockey's beck, - As felons win the gallows—_by a neck_! - - "Tak tent!" the Scotchman says, that's "look about," - But, "take care _of the tent_," he should have said: - I went within, and wish I'd gone without - A stake, or had a good rump-steak instead; - But I _had_ cash, and having made a set - At them, and they at me, slap at Roulette. - - And if 'twas _natural_ to have gone within, - I soon discovered it was very _flat_: - A sovereign good for me it would have been - If I had had no sovereigns,—_verbum sat_! - I lost!—and took no _note_ when all was done, - Except a note of how much they had won! - - I cannot say they were a _dirty_ set, - Because they _clean'd me_ so completely out; - A bout like this of Epsom Downs' roulette - Teaches a mortal what he _is_ about. - Cheating _is_ physic.—While the game's alive - It empties pockets if it _doesn't_ thrive! - -5. =Boniface=, (first Alderman of Port-soken?) - -[Illustration: - - Cordial reception. - Caught in his own gin. -] - -12. Mr. Wakley declared, that Gin was his best friend—it was equal to -1000 inquests a year. - - A Palace reared! and lo! _in quest_ of gin, - Thousands, _sans_ scruple, pass for drams within; - Water they'd spurn, e'en from Geneva's lake, - _Gin ever_—not Geneva's—they _will_ take: - _In quest_ of _that_, when they no more can run, - Wakley _his inquest_ holds, and all is done! - -JUNE.—STRIKING A BALANCE. - -Next door to us, in Portland-place, lived the Right Honourable the Earl -of Kilblazes, of Kilmacrasy Castle, county Kildare, and his mother, the -Dowager Countess. Lady Kilblazes had a daughter, Lady Juliana Matilda -Mac Turk, of the exact age of our dear Jemimarann; and a son, The -Honourable Arthur Wellington Anglesea Blucher Bulow Mac Turk, only ten -months older than our boy, Tug. - -My darling Jemmy is a woman of spirit, and, as became her station, made -every possible attempt to become acquainted with the Dowager Countess of -Kilblazes, which her ladyship (because, forsooth, she was the daughter -of the Minister, and the Prince of Wales's great friend, the Earl of -Portansherry) thought fit to reject. I don't wonder at my Jemmy growing -so angry with her, and determining, in every way, to put her ladyship -down. The Kilblazes' estate is not so large as the Tuggeridge property, -by two thousand a-year, at least; and so my wife, when our neighbours -kept only two footmen, was quite authorized in having three; and she -made it a point, as soon as ever the Kilblazes' carriage-and-pair came -round, to have her own carriage-and-four. - -Well, our box was next to theirs at the Opera; only twice as big. -Whatever masters went to Lady Juliana, came to my Jemimarann; and what -do you think Jemmy did? she got her celebrated governess, Madam de -Flicflac, away from the Countess, by offering a double salary. It was -quite a treasure, they said, to have Madame Flicflac; she had been (to -support her father, the Count, when he emigrated) a _French_ dancer at -the _Italian Opera_. French dancing, and Italian, therefore, we had at -once, and in the best style: it is astonishing how quick and well she -used to speak—the French especially. - -Master Arthur Mac Turk was at the famous school of the Reverend Clement -Coddler, along with a hundred and ten other young fashionables, from the -age of three to fifteen; and to this establishment Jemmy sent our Tug, -adding forty guineas to the hundred and twenty paid every year for the -boarders. I think I found out the dear soul's reason, for, one day, -speaking about the school to a mutual acquaintance of ours and the -Kilblazes, she whispered to him, that "she never would have thought of -sending her darling boy at the rate which her next-door neighbour paid; -_their_ lad, she was sure, must be starved: however, poor people! they -did the best they could on their income." - -Coddler's, in fact, was the tip-top school near London; he had been -tutor to the Duke of Buckminster, who had set him up in the school, and, -as I tell you, all the peerage and respectable commoners came to it. You -read in the bill (the snopsis, I think Coddler called it), after the -account of the charges for board, masters, extras, &c.: "Every young -nobleman (or gentleman) is expected to bring a knife and fork, spoon, -and goblet, of silver (to prevent breakage), which will not be returned; -a dressing-gown and slippers; toilet-box, pomatum, curling-irons, &c. -&c. The pupil must, on NO ACCOUNT, be allowed to have more than ten -guineas of pocket-money, unless his parents particularly desire it, or -he be above fifteen years of age. _Wine_ will be an extra charge; as are -warm, vapour, and _douche_ baths; _carriage exercise_ will be provided -at the rate of fifteen guineas per quarter. It is _earnestly requested_ -that no young nobleman (or gentleman) be allowed to smoke. In a place -devoted to _the cultivation of polite literature_, such an ignoble -enjoyment were profane - - "CLEMENT CODDLER, M.A., - "Chaplain and late tutor to his Grace the - Duke of Buckminster. - - "Mount Parnassus, Richmond, Surrey." - -To this establishment our Tug was sent. "Recollect, my dear," said his -mamma, "that you are a Tuggeridge by birth, and that I expect you to -beat all the boys in the school, especially that Wellington Mac Turk, -who though he is a lord's son, is nothing to you, who are the heir of -Tuggeridgeville." - -Tug was a smart young fellow enough, and could cut and curl as well as -any young chap of his age; he was not a bad hand at a wig either, and -could shave, too, very prettily; but that was in the old time, when we -were not great people: when he came to be a gentleman, he had to learn -Latin and Greek, and had a deal of lost time to make up for on going to -school. - -However we had no fear; for the Reverend Mr. Coddler used to send -monthly accounts of his pupils' progress, and if Tug was not a wonder of -the world, I don't know who was. It was - - General behaviour excellent - English very good - French très bien - Latin optimé. - -and so on; he possessed all the virtues, and wrote to us every month for -money. My dear Jemmy and I determined to go and see him, after he had -been at school a quarter; we went, and were shown by Mr. Coddler, one of -the meekest, smilingest little men I ever saw, into the bed-rooms and -eating rooms (the dromitaries and refractories he called them), which -were all as comfortable as comfortable might be. "It is a holiday -to-day," said Mr. Coddler; and a holiday it seemed to be. In the -dining-room were half a dozen young gentlemen playing at cards ("all -tip-top nobility," observed Mr. Coddler);—in the bed-rooms there was -only one gent; he was lying on his bed, reading a novel and smoking -cigars. "Extraordinary genius!" whispered Coddler; "Honourable Tom -Fitz-Warter, cousin of Lord Byron's; smokes all day; and has written the -_sweetest_ poems you can imagine. Genius, my dear madam, you know, -genius must have its way." "Well, _upon_ my word," says Jemmy, "if -that's genus, I had rather that Master Tuggeridge Coxe Tuggeridge -remained a dull fellow." - -"Impossible, my dear madam." said Coddler. "Mr. Tuggeridge Coxe -_couldn't_ be stupid if he _tried_." - -Just then up comes Lord Claude Lollypop, third son of the Marquis of -Allycompane. We were introduced instantly, "Lord Claude Lollypop, Mr. -and Mrs. Coxe:" the little lord wagged his head, my wife bowed very low, -and so did Mr. Coddler, who, as he saw my lord making for the -play-ground, begged him to show us the way.—"Come along," says my lord; -and as he walked before us, whistling, we had leisure to remark the -beautiful holes in his jacket and elsewhere. - -About twenty young noblemen (and gentlemen) were gathered round a -pastrycook's shop, at the end of the green. "That's the grub-shop," said -my lord, "where we young gentlemen wot has money buys our wittles, and -them young gentlemen wot has none, goes tick." - -Then he passed a poor red-haired usher, sitting on a bench alone. -"That's Mr. Hicks, the Husher, ma'am," says my lord, "we keep him, for -he's very useful to throw stones at, and he keeps the chaps' coats when -there's a fight, or a game at cricket.—Well, Hicks, how's your mother? -what's the row now?" "I believe, my lord," said the usher, very meekly, -"there is a pugilistic encounter somewhere on the premises—the -Honourable Mr. Mac——" - -"O! _come_ along," said Lord Lollypop, "come along, _this_ way, ma'am! -Go it, ye cripples!" and my lord pulled my dear Jemmy's gown in the -kindest and most familiar way, she trotting on after him, mightily -pleased to be so taken notice of, and I after her. A little boy went -running across the green. "Who is it, Petitoes?" screams my lord. "Turk -and the barber," pipes Petitoes, and runs to the pastrycook's like mad. -"Turk and the ba—," laughs out my lord, looking at us: "_hurrah! this_ -way, ma'am;" and, turning round a corner he opened a door into a -court-yard, where a number of boys were collected and a great noise of -shrill voices might be heard. "Go it, Turk!" says one "Go it, barber!" -says another. "_Punch hith life out_," roars another, whose voice was -just cracked, and his clothes half a yard too short for him! - -Fancy our horror, when, on the crowd making way, we saw Tug pummelling -away at the Honourable Master Mac Turk! My dear Jemmy, who don't -understand such things, pounced upon the two at once, and, with one hand -tearing away Tug, sent him spinning back into the arms of his seconds, -while, with the other, she clawed hold of Master Mac Turk's red hair, -and, as soon as she got her second hand free, banged it about his face -and ears like a good one. - -"You nasty—wicked—quarrelsome—aristocratic (each word was a bang)— -aristocratic, oh! oh! oh!" Here the words stopped; for, what with the -agitation, maternal solicitude, and a dreadful kick on the shins which, -I am ashamed to say, Master Mac Turk administered, my dear Jemmy could -bear it no longer, and sunk, fainting away, in my arms. - -[Illustration: - - See Swithin spout - - The water out; -] - -[Illustration: - - _A Wiper-snake pattern_ -] - -[Illustration: - - While wet sustains - - _Highgate_. -] - - - THE MARCH TO FINCHLEY. - - Once out of town went big John Brown, - A Sunday man so gay; - He went with his life, and he went with his wife, - And he went with his kids in a shay! - - The shay was like a lottery prize— - Exceedingly hard to _draw_; - And John Brown looked with both his eyes - As _blank_ as ever you saw. - - Oh! very hot the summer's sun - Shone over Somers town; - By sweat—not slander—John was soon - Exceedingly run down! - - With piping heat he plied his drag, - While sinews paid the piper; - At Highgate Hill his handkerchief - Was turned into a "viper." - - He gave his family "a long - And strong pull altogether;" - But they in spite of sunshine soon - Gave signs o£ _squally_ weather. - - John's wife survey'd her lord and shay - With most maternal mind; - She'd never such a load _before_, - And so she push'd _behind_! - - So on they trudged: no half-way house - Afforded them a sup, - But about half-way up the hill - John found it was "_all up_." - - With agony he used his sleeve, - And gasping, cried, "I'm blow'd!" - "What then befel the Browns?" I b'lieve - _They're still upon the road!_ - -[Illustration: Rains and drains.] - -23. Newspaper born, 1588.—Editor I. - - The first of architects, who, ere he died, - Rear'd _columns_ more than all the world beside. - -30. William Penn died, 1718. - - Although we are not of our _pencil vain_, - Of _Pennsylvania's_ father among men - We draw the tomb on stone; that once again - The _Pencil_ may do honour _to the Pen_! - -[Illustration: - - JULY—Down at Beulah. -] - -JULY.—DOWN AT BEULAH. - -Although there was a regular cut between the next-door people and us, -yet Tug and the Honourable Master Mac Turk kept up their acquaintance -over the back-garden wall, and in the stables, where they were fighting, -making friends, and playing tricks from morning to night, during the -holidays. Indeed, it was from young Mac that we first heard of Madame de -Flicflac, of whom my Jemmy robbed Lady Kilblazes, as I before have -related. When our friend, the Baron, first saw Madame, a very tender -greeting passed between them, for they had, as it appeared, been old -friends abroad. "Sapristie," said the Baron, in his lingo, "que fais tu -ici, Aménaïde?" "Et toi, mon pauvre Chicot," says she, 'est ce qu'on t'a -mis à la retraite? Il parait, que tu n'est plus Général chez Franco—" -"_Chut!_" says the Baron, putting his finger to his lips. - -"What are they saying, my dear?" says my wife to Jemimarann, who had a -pretty knowledge of the language by this time. - -"I don't know what '_Sapristie_' means, mamma; but the Baron asked -Madame what she was doing here? and Madame said, 'And you, Chicot, you -are no more a general at Franco.' Have I not translated rightly, -Madame?" - -"Oui, mon chou, mon ange; yase, my angel, my cabbage, quite right. -Figure yourself, I have known my dear Chicot dis twenty years." - -"Chicot is my name of baptism," says the Baron; "Baron Chicot de Punter -is my name." "And, being a general at Franco," says Jemmy, "means, I -suppose, being a French General?" - -"Yes, I vas," said he, "General Baron de Punter, n'est il pas, -Aménaïde?" - -"O, yes!" said Madame Flicflac, and laughed; and I and Jemmy laughed out -of politeness: and a pretty laughing matter it was, as you shall hear. - -About this time my Jemmy became one of the Ladies-Patronesses of that -admirable Institution, "The Washerwoman's Orphans' Home;" Lady de Sudley -was the great projector of it; and the manager and chaplain, the -excellent and Reverend Sidney Slopper. His salary, as chaplain, and that -of Doctor Leitch, the physician (both cousins of her Ladyship's), drew -away five hundred pounds from the six subscribed to the Charity: and -Lady de Sudley thought a fête at Beulah Spa, with the aid of some of the -foreign Princes who were in town last year, might bring a little more -money into its treasury. A tender appeal was accordingly drawn up, and -published in all the papers: - -"APPEAL. - -"BRITISH WASHERWOMAN'S ORPHANS' HOME. - - "The 'Washerwoman's Orphans' Home' has now been established seven - years; and the good which it has effected is, it may be confidently - stated, _incalculable_. Ninety-eight orphan children of washerwomen - have been lodged within its walls. One hundred and two British - washerwomen have been relieved when in the last state of decay. ONE - HUNDRED AND NINETY-EIGHT THOUSAND articles of male and female dress - have been washed, mended, buttoned, ironed, and mangled, in the - Establishment. And, by an arrangement with the governors of the - Foundling, it is hoped that THE BABY-LINEN OF THAT HOSPITAL will be - confided to the British Washerwoman's Home! - - "With such prospects before it, is it not sad, is it not lamentable - to think, that the Patronesses of the Society have been compelled to - reject the applications of no less than THREE THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED - AND ONE BRITISH WASHERWOMEN, from lack of means for their support? - Ladies of England! Mothers of England! to you we appeal. Is there - one of you that will not respond to the cry in behalf of these - deserving members of our sex? - - "It has been determined by the Ladies-Patronesses to give a fête at - Beulah Spa, on Thursday, July 25; which will be graced with the - first foreign and native TALENT, by the first foreign and native - RANK; and where they beg for the attendance of every WASHERWOMAN'S - FRIEND." - -Her Highness the Princess of Schloppenzollernschwigmaringen, the Duke of -Sacks Tubbingen, His Excellency Baron Strumpff, His Excellency -Lootf-Allee-Koolee-Bismillah-Mohamed-Rusheed-Allah, the Persian -Ambassador, Prince Futtee-Jaw, Envoy from the King of Oude, His -Excellency Don Alonzo Di Cachachero-y-Fandango-y-Castañete, the Spanish -Ambassador, Count Ravioli, from Milan, the Envoy of the Republic of -Topinambo, and a host of other fashionables, promised to honour the -festival: and their names made a famous show in the bills. - -I leave you to fancy what a splendid triumph for the British -Washerwoman's Home was to come off on that day. A beautiful tent was -erected, in which the Ladies-Patronesses were to meet; it was hung round -with specimens of the skill of the washerwomen's orphans, ninety-six of -whom were to be feasted in the gardens, and waited on by the -Ladies-Patronesses. - -There was a fine cold collation, to which the friends of the -Ladies-Patronesses were admitted; after which, my ladies and their beaux -went strolling through the walks; Tagrag and the Count having each an -arm of Jemmy; the Baron giving an arm a-piece to Madame and Jemimarann. -Whilst they were walking whom should they light upon but poor Orlando -Crump, my successor in the perfumery and hair-cutting. - -"Orlando!" says Jemimarann, blushing as red as a label, and holding out -her hand. - -"Jemimar!" says he, holding out his, and turning as white as pomatum. - -"_Sir!_" says Jemmy, as stately as a Duchess. - -"What! madame," says poor Crump, "don't you remember your shopboy?" - -"Dearest mamma, don't you recollect Orlando?" whimpers Jemimarann. - -"Miss Tuggeridge Coxe," says Jemmy, "I'm surprised of you. Remember, -sir, that our position is altered, and oblige me by no more -familiarity." - -"Insolent fellow!" says the Baron; "vat is dis canaille?" - -"Canal yourself, Mounseer," says Orlando, now grown quite furious; he -broke away, quite indignant, and was soon lost in the crowd. Jemimarann, -as soon as he was gone, began to look very pale and ill; and her mamma, -therefore, took her to a tent, where she left her along with Madame -Flicflac and the Baron; going off herself with the other gentlemen, in -order to join us. - -It appears they had not been seated very long when Madame Flicflac -suddenly sprung up, with an exclamation of joy, and rushed forward to a -friend whom she saw pass. - -The Baron was left alone with Jemimarann; and, whether it was the -champagne, or that my dear girl looked more than commonly pretty, I -don't know; but Madame Flicflac had not been gone a minute when the -Baron dropped on his knees, and made her a regular declaration. - -Poor Orlando Crump had found me out by this time, and was standing by my -side, listening, as melancholy as possible, to the famous Bohemian -Minne-singers, who were singing the celebrated words of the poet Gothy: - - Ich bui ya hupp lily lee, du bist ya hupp lily lee, - Wir sind doch hupp lily lee, hupp la lily lee. - Chorus.—Yodle-odle-odle-odle-odle-odle hupp! yodle-odle-aw-o-o-o. - -They were standing with their hands in their waistcoats, as usual, and -had just come to the o-o-o, at the end of the chorus of the -forty-seventh stanza, when Orlando started: "That's a scream!" says he. -"Indeed it is," says I; "and, but for the fashion of the thing, a very -ugly scream too:" when I heard another shrill "O!" as I thought; and -Orlando bolted off, crying, "By heavens, it's _her_ voice!" "Whose -voice?" says I. "Come and see the row," says Tag; and off we went, with -a considerable number of people, who saw this strange move on his part. -We came to the tent, and there we found my poor Jemimarann fainting; her -mamma holding a smelling-bottle; the Baron, on the ground, holding a -handkerchief to his bleeding nose; and Orlando squaring at him, and -calling on him to fight if he dared. - -My Jemmy looked at Crump very fierce. "Take that feller away," says she, -"he has insulted a French nobleman, and deserves transportation, at the -least." - -Poor Orlando was carried off. "I've no patience with the little minx," -says Jemmy, giving Jemimarann a pinch. "She might be a Baron's lady; and -she screams out because his Excellency did but squeeze her hand." - -"Oh, mamma! mamma!" sobs poor Jemimarann, "but he was t-t-tipsy." - -"T-t-tipsy! and the more shame for you, you hussy, to be offended with a -nobleman who does not know what he is doing." - -[Illustration: - - AUGUST—A Tournament. -] - -[Illustration] - - - RETURNING BY WATER - -[Sidenote: Clock before the Sun. - [Illustration] - Too soon for dinner. - Between - Month and - Monarch - this difference - is just; - ♂ ☿ ♄ ♈ - the Month it is - _Au_gust, - the Monarch - Au_gust_.] - - The _rain_ of terror's come—the horse to go - At a smart pace has made himself to smart; - 'Tis bad enough to bear the shafts of woe, - But who would bear the shafts of such a cart! - - What a nice party—twelve inside—to drag, - Each fat and full, and heavy as a dunce, - And all, besides the man wot drives the nag, - Holding the _rains_ together—all at once! - - The horse is urged—most tired and half dead; - "Come up," they cry—when shall we get to town? - Fierce _pours_ the shower—_their pores_ are stopped instead, - The more they cry _come_ up—the rain _comes down_! - - Now, you may see, by every sorry face, - The water party wails its wretched doom, - And in that cart—that wends with lingering pace, - Altho' there's little _room_, there's lots of _rheum_! - -17. Metropolitan Police Bill passed. - - The bill has pass'd, the sharpest bill of latter days, - Gin shops must close by twelve o'clock o' Saturdays; - And lively landlords now, whate'er their merits, - After that time must not _keep up_ their spirits, - Nor suffer the most fascinating fox - Of all their customers to turn their _cocks_! - -29. Eglintoun Tournament. - -[Illustration: Running a-muck.] - - Oh! that Ayr tournament in that _ere_ shire; - With lots of gentlemen in _male_ attire, - And many a Don, and many a Skvire! - Took several _days_ and lots of _knights_ to mount; - And a great many _pages_ to recount - Its deeds of glory—Chivalry their fount! - Though lances _shivered_ (and no wonder, for - 'Twas cold and rainy) no sword flesh'd its hilt; - And we'd pass all unnoticed: but, O lor! - We draw our own existence from a _Tilt_! - - - AUGUST.—A TOURNAMENT. - -"I say, Tug," said Mac Turk, one day, soon after our flare-up at Beulah, -"Kilblazes comes of age in October, and then we'll cut you out, as I -told you: the old barberess will die of spite when she hears what we are -going to do. What do you think? we're going to have a tournament!" -"What's a tournament?" says Tug, and so said his mamma, when she heard -the news; and when she knew what a tournament was, I think, really, she -_was_ as angry as Mac Turk said she would be, and gave us no peace for -days together. "What!" says she, "dress up in armour, like play-actors, -and run at each other with spears? the Kilblazes must be mad!" And so I -thought, but I didn't think the Tuggeridges would be mad too, as they -were; for, when Jemmy heard that the Kilblazes festival was to be, as -yet, a profound secret, what does she do but send down to the _Morning -Post_ a flaming account of - - - "THE PASSAGE OF ARMS AT TUGGERIDGEVILLE! - -"The days of chivalry are _not_ past. The fair Castellane of -T-gg-r-dgeville, whose splendid entertainments have so often been -alluded to in this paper, has determined to give one which shall exceed -in splendour even the magnificence of the middle ages. We are not at -liberty to say more; but a tournament, at which His Ex—l—ncy B-r-n de -P-nt-r, and Thomas T-gr-g, Esq., eldest son of Sir Th—s T-gr-g, are to -be the knights-defendants against all comers; a _Queen of Beauty_, of -whose loveliness every frequenter of fashion has felt the power; a -banquet, unexampled in the annals of Gunter; and a ball, in which the -recollections of ancient chivalry will blend sweetly with the soft tones -of Weippert and Collinet, are among the entertainments which the Ladye -of T-gg-ridgeville has prepared for her distinguished guests." - -And now—O that I had twenty pages, instead of these miserable two, to -describe the wonders of the day!—Twenty-four knights came from Ashley's, -at two guineas a-head. We were in hopes to have had Miss Woolcombe, in -the character of Joan of Arc, but that lady did not appear. We had a -tent for the challengers, at each side of which hung what they called -_escoachings_ (like hatchments, which they put up when people die), and -underneath sat their pages, holding their helmets for the tournament. -Tagrag was in brass armour (my city connexions got him that famous -suit); his Excellency in polished steel. My wife wore a coronet, -modelled exactly after that of Queen Catharine, in _Henry V._; a tight -gilt jacket, which set off dear Jemmy's figure wonderfully, and a train -of at least forty feet. Dear Jemimarann was in white, her hair braided -with pearls. Madame de Flicflac appeared as Queen Elizabeth; and Lady -Blanche Bluenose as a Turkish princess. An alderman of London, and his -lady; two magistrates of the county, and the very pink of Croydon; -several Polish noblemen; two Italian Counts (besides _our_ Count); one -hundred and ten young officers, from Addiscombe College, in full -uniform, commanded by Major-General Sir Miles Mulligatawney, K.C.B., and -his lady; the Misses Pimminy's Finishing Establishment, and fourteen -young ladies, all in white; the Reverend Doctor Wapshot, and forty-nine -young gentlemen, of the first families, under his charge; were _some_ -only of the company. I leave you to fancy that, if my Jemmy did seek for -fashion, she had enough of it on this occasion. They wanted me to have -mounted again, but my hunting day had been sufficient; besides, I ain't -big enough for a real knight: so, as Mrs. Coxe insisted on my opening -the Tournament—and I knew it was in vain to resist—the Baron and Tagrag -had undertaken to arrange so that I might come off with safety, if I -came off at all. They had procured, from the Strand Theatre, a famous -stud of hobby-horses, which they told me had been trained for the use of -the great Lord Bateman. I did not know exactly what they were till they -arrived; but as they had belonged to a Lord, I thought it was all right, -and consented; and I found it the best sort of riding, after all, to -appear to be on horseback and walk safely a-foot at the same time, and -it was impossible to come down as long as I kept on my own legs; -besides, I could cuff and pull my steed about as much as I liked, -without fear of his biting or kicking in return. As Lord of the -Tournament, they placed in my hands a lance, ornamented spirally, in -blue and gold. I thought of the pole over my old shop-door, and almost -wished myself there again, as I capered up to the battle in my helmet -and breastplate, with all the trumpets blowing and drums beating at the -time. Captain Tagrag was my opponent, and preciously we poked each -other, till prancing about, I put my foot on my horse's petticoat -behind, and down I came, getting a thrust from the Captain, at the same -time, that almost broke my shoulder-bone. "This was sufficient," they -said, "for the laws of chivalry;" and I was glad to get off so. - -After that, the gentlemen riders, of whom there were no less than seven, -in complete armour, and the professionals, now ran at the ring; and the -Baron was far, far the most skilful. - -"How sweetly the dear Baron rides," said my wife, who was always ogling -at him, smirking, smiling, and waving her handkerchief to him. "I say, -Sam," says a professional to one of his friends, as, after their course, -they came cantering up, and ranged under Jemmy's bower, as she called -it;—"I say, Sam, I'm blowed if that chap in harmer musn't have been one -of hus." And this only made Jemmy the more pleased; for the fact is, the -Baron had chosen the best way of winning Jemimarann by courting her -mother. - -The Baron was declared conqueror at the ring; and Jemmy awarded him the -prize, a wreath of white roses, which she placed on his lance; he -receiving it gracefully, and bowing, until the plumes of his helmet -mingled with the mane of his charger, which backed to the other end of -the lists, and then, galloping back to the place where Jemimarann was -seated, he begged her to place it on his helmet: the poor girl blushed -very much, and did so. As all the people were applauding, Tagrag rushed -up, and, laying his hand on the Baron's shoulder, whispered something in -his ear, which made the other very angry, I suppose, for he shook him -off violently. "_Chacun pour soi_," says he, "_Monsieur de Taguerague_;" -which means, I am told, "every man for himself." - -After this came the "Passage of Arms." Tagrag and the Baron run courses -against the other champions; ay, and unhorsed two a-piece; whereupon the -other three refused to turn out; and preciously we laughed at them, to -be sure! - -"Now, it's _our_ turn, Mr. _Chicot_," says Tagrag, shaking his fist at -the Baron: "look to yourself, you infernal mountebank, for, by Jupiter! -I'll do my best;" and before Jemmy and the rest of us, who were quite -bewildered, could say a word, these two friends were charging away, -spears in hand, ready to kill each other. In vain Jemmy screamed; in -vain I threw down my truncheon: they had broken two poles before I could -say "Jack Robinson," and were driving at each other with the two new -ones. The Baron had the worst of the first course, for he had almost -been carried out of his saddle. "Hark you, Chicot!" screamed out Tagrag, -"next time look to your head;" and, next time, sure enough, each aimed -at the head of the other. - -Tagrag's spear hit the right place; for it carried off the Baron's -helmet, plume, rose-wreath and all; but his Excellency hit truer still— -his lance took Tagrag on the neck, and sent him to the ground like a -stone. - -"He's won! he's won!" says Jemmy, waving her handkerchief; Jemimarann -fainted, Lady Blanche screamed, and I felt so sick that I thought I -should drop. All the company were in an uproar; only the Baron looked -calm, and bowed very gracefully, and kissed his hand to Jemmy; when, all -of a sudden, a Jewish-looking man, springing over the barrier, and -followed by three more, rushed towards the Baron. "Keep the gate, Bob!" -he holloas out. "Baron, I arrest you, at the suit of Samuel Levison, -for——" - -But he never said for what; shouting out, "Aha!" and "_Sapprrrristie!_" -and I don't know what, his Excellency drew his sword, dug his spurs into -his horse, and was over the poor bailiff and off before another word: he -had threatened to run through one of the bailiff's followers, Mr. -Stubbs, only that gentleman made way for him; and when we took up the -bailiff, and brought him round by the aid of a little brandy-and-water, -he told us all. "I had writ againsht him, Mishter Coxsh, but I didn't -vant to shpoil shport; and, beshidesh, I didn't know him until dey -knocked off his shteel cap!" - -Here was a pretty business! - - SEPTEMBER. [1840. - -[Illustration: - - _A line engraving of Her Majesty._ -] - - - OUT-RIDERS TO THE QUEEN. - -I'll have an excursion, a bit of desertion, September diversion, and -where shall I go? If pleasure you mean, sir, at Windsor's the Queen, -sir, I'd have you go in, sir, and see all the show.—At once, gay of -heart, then for Windsor I start, and at Paddington see me _in train_ to -depart; and as steam's all the go, as you very well know, if we go -_slow_ to Windsor, we'll go _quick_ to _Slough_.—The engine's a great -'un (at desperate rate on, 'twill speed us nor heed us, while we laugh -and scoff), all happy go merry, like gunpowder, werry, as soon _as it's -fired_ the train _will go off_!—How rapid our pace is! I swear all the -places, like horses at races, do seem to fly by! Oh! how precious quick -now, and see if you're sick now, there's _Ealing_ to cure you, so -physic's my eye! See old Mr. Zitters, who dotes upon bitters, and, in -the West Indies, put _wormwood_ in shrubs: behold him alight now, to get -appetite now (still bitters for ever!) at famed _Wormwood Scrubs_.— -Here's Hanwell, where Smilem now weeps in th' Asylum; through -_moonshine_ and _credit_ his trade cut its stick; woe followed his -laughter, his wits they went after; a lunatic victim to _Luna_ and -_tick_!—Well now we're at Slough, and no farther need go, our -_raillery's_ over, the train has cried "_wo!_"—But the "bus," out and -in, stows away thick and thin; dirt and clean, fat and lean, there for -Windsor they pack; the sorry nags speed, very sorry indeed, with a whip -at the flank and a load at the back.—Now all in a bustle, we rush to the -Castle, and here comes the Queen ever smiling and gay, Hurrah! and God -save her! she could not look braver; but those jockies in livery, pray -_who are they?_—Oh! keep back your sneers, and hold in your jeers, -they're her Majesty's ministers, princes, and peers. With their dingy -blue jackets, and collars of red, their old Windsor uniforms, looking so -dead; they might well pass for "_Uniform Postmen_" instead!—Now farewell -and adieu to the Queen's retinue: for onward we strode, in the Royal -abode, where fine ancient paintings, paraded to view, are shown by an -ignorant thick-headed dunce, whose brogue murders Masters and English at -once.—"Look, here is, an' plase ye, _Paul-very-unaisy_, and bad luck if -there an't a rale _Remembrant_:" so if _Dan_ did but follow the old -fellow's tail, he'd be quite pleased to hear him call Raphael -"_Rapale!_"—But it's going to rain, and although, to a man, we would -have the Queen's reign be as long as it can; yet as soaking's "no go," -we must rush back to Slough, where panting and gasping for breath we are -dinn'd, sir—with "What is the matter? you're quite out of _Wind-sir_." - -[Illustration: - - SEPTEMBER—Over-boarded and Under-lodged. -] - - - SEPTEMBER.—OVER-BOARDED AND UNDER-LODGED. - -We had no great reason to brag of our tournyment at Tuggeridgeville: -but, after all, it was better than the turn-out at Kilblazes, where poor -Lord Heydownderry went about in a black velvet dressing-gown, and the -Emperor Napoleon Bonypart appeared in a suit of armour, and silk -stockings, like Mr. Pell's friend, in "Pickwick;" we, having employed -the gentlemen from Ashley's Anti-theatre, had some decent sport for our -money. - -We never heard a word from the Baron, who had so distinguished himself -by his horsemanship, and had knocked down (and very justly) Mr. Nabb, -the bailiff, and Mr. Stubbs, his man, who came to lay hands upon him. My -sweet Jemmy seemed to be very low in spirits after his departure, and a -sad thing it is to see her in low spirits: on days of illness she no -more minds giving Jemimarann a box on the ear, or sending a plate of -muffins across a table at poor me, than she does taking her tea. - -Jemmy, I say, was very low in spirits; but, one day (I remember it was -the day after Captain Higgins called, and said he had seen the Baron at -Boulogne), she vowed that nothing but change of air would do her good, -and declared that she should die unless she went to the sea-side in -France. I knew what this meant, and that I might as well attempt to -resist her, as to resist Her Gracious Majesty in Parliament assembled; -so I told the people to pack up the things, and took four places on -board the "Grand Turk" steamer for Boulogne. - -The travelling carriage, which, with Jemmy's thirty-seven boxes and my -carpet-bag, was pretty well loaded, was sent on board the night before; -and we, after breakfasting in Portland Place (little did I think it was -the—but, poh! never mind), went down to the Custom House in the other -carriage, followed by a hackney-coach and a cab, with the servants and -fourteen band-boxes and trunks more, which were to be wanted by my dear -girl in the journey. - -The road down Cheapside and Thames Street need not be described; we saw -the Monument, a memento of the wicked popish massacre of Saint -Bartholomew;—why erected here I can't think, as Saint Bartholomew's is -in Smithfield,—we had a glimpse of Billingsgate, and of the Mansion -House, where we saw the two-and-twenty shilling coal-smoke coming out of -the chimneys, and were landed at the Custom House in safety. - -Fourteen porters came out, and each took a package with the greatest -civility; calling Jemmy her ladyship, and me your honour; ay, and your -honouring and my ladyshipping even my man and the maid in the cab. - -I somehow felt all over quite melancholy at going away: "Here, my fine -fellow," says I to the coachman, who was standing very respectful, -holding his hat in one hand and Jemmy's jewel-case in the other, "here, -my fine chap," says I, "here's six shillings for you;" for I did not -care for the money. - -"Six what?" says he. - -"Six shillings, fellow!" shrieks Jemmy; "and twice as much as your -fare." - -"Feller, marm!" says this insolent coachman; "feller yourself, marm: do -you think I'm a-going to kill my horses, and break my precious back, and -bust my carriage, and carry you, and your kids, and your traps, for six -hog?" And with this the monster dropped his hat, with my money in it, -and doubling his fist, put it so very near my nose that I really thought -he would have made it bleed. "My fare's heighteen shillings," says he, -"haint it?—hask hany of these gentlemen." - -"Why, it ain't more than seventeen and six," says one of the fourteen -porters; "but, if the gen'l'man _is_ a gen'l'man, he can't give no less -than a suffering any how." - -I wanted to resist, and Jemmy screamed like a Turk: but, "Holloa!" says -one; "What's the row?" says another; "Come, dub up!" roars a third: and -I don't mind telling you, in confidence, that I was so frightened that I -took out the sovereign and gave it. My man and Jemmy's maid had -disappeared by this time; they always do when there's a robbery or a row -going on. - -I was going after them. "Stop, Mr. Ferguson," pipes a young gentleman of -about thirteen, with a red livery waistcoat that reached to his ankles, -and every variety of button, pin, string, to keep it together: "Stop, -Mr. Heff," says he, taking a small pipe out of his mouth, "and don't -forgit the cabman." - -"What's your fare, my lad?" says I. - -"Why, let's see—yes—ho!—my fare's seven-and-thirty and eightpence eggs— -ackly." - -The fourteen gentlemen, holding the luggage, here burst out and laughed -very rudely indeed; and the only person who seemed disappointed was, I -thought, the hackney-coachman. "Why, _you_ rascal!" says Jemmy, laying -hold of the boy, "do you want more than the coachman?" - -"Don't rascal _me_, marm!" shrieks the little chap in return. "What's -the coach to me? Vy, you may go in an omlibus for sixpence if you like; -vy don't you go and buss it, marm? Vy did you call my cab, marm? Vy am I -to come forty mile, from Scarlot Street, Po'tl'nd Place, and not git my -fare, marm?" - -This speech, which takes some time to write down, was made in about the -fifth part of a second; and, at the end of it, the young gentleman -hurled down his pipe, and, advancing towards Jemmy, doubled his fist, -and seemed to challenge her to fight. My dearest girl now turned from -red to be as pale as white Windsor, and fell into my arms; what was I to -do? I called, "Policeman!" but a policeman wont interfere in Thames -Street; robbery is licensed there: what was I to do? Oh! my heart beats -when I think of what my Tug did! - -As soon as this young cab chap put himself into a fighting attitude, -Master Tuggeridge Coxe—who had been standing by, laughing very rudely, I -thought—Master Tuggeridge Coxe, I say, flung his jacket suddenly into -his mamma's face (the brass buttons made her start, and recovered her a -little), and, before we could say a word, was in the ring in which we -stood (formed by the porters, nine orangemen and women, I don't know how -many newspaper boys, hotel cads, and old clothesmen), and, whirling -about two little white fists in the face of the gentleman in the red -waistcoat, who brought a great pair of black ones up to bear on the -enemy, was engaged in an instant. - -But, law bless you! Tug hadn't been at Richmond School for nothing; and -_milled_ away—one, two, right and left—like a little hero as he is, with -all his dear mother's spirit in him: first came a crack which sent his -white hat spinning over the gentleman's cab, and scattered among the -crowd a vast number of things which the cabman kept in it,—such as a -ball of string, a piece of candle, a comb, a whip-lash, a little -warbler, a slice of bacon, &c. &c. - -The cabman seemed sadly ashamed of this display, but Tug gave him no -time: another blow was planted on his cheek-bone; and a third, which hit -him straight on the nose, sent this rude cabman straight down to the -ground. - -"Brayvo, my lord!" shouted all the people around. - -"I won't have no more, thank yer," said the little cabman, gathering -himself up; "give us over my fare, vil yer, and let me git away?" - -"What's your fare _now_, you cowardly little thief?" says Tug. - -"Vy, then, two-and-eightpence," says he, "go along,—you _know_ it is:" -and two-and-eightpence he had; and everybody applauded Tug, and hissed -the cab-boy, and asked Tug for something to drink. - -I now thought our troubles would soon be over; mine were very nearly so -in one sense at least; for after Mrs. Coxe, and Jemimarann, and Tug, and -the maid, and valet, and valuables had been handed across, it came to my -turn. I had often heard of people being taken up by a _plank_, but -seldom of their being set down by one. Just as I was going over, the -vessel rode off a little, the board slipped, and down I soused into the -water. You might have heard Mrs. Coxe's shriek as far as Gravesend; it -rung in my ears as I went down, all grieved at the thought of leaving -her a disconsolate widder. Well, up I came again, and caught the brim of -my beaver hat—though I have heard that drowning men catch at straws:—I -floated, and hoped to escape by hook or by crook; and, luckily, just -then I felt myself suddenly jerked by the waist-band of my whites, and -found myself hauled up in air at the end of a boat-hook, to the sound of -"yeho! yeho! yehoi! yehoi!" and so I was dragged aboard. I was put to -bed, and had swallowed so much water that it took a very considerable -quantity of brandy to bring it to a proper mixture in my inside; in -fact, for some hours I was in a very deplorable state. - -[Illustration: - - OCTOBER—Notice to quit. -] - -[Illustration] - - - MEDICAL STUDENTS. - -1. Medical Schools open. - - - DOCTORS' COMMONS. - -[Sidenote: This month, tho' - not muggy, - Improves by the mug; - And people caught - _ale_-ing, - Repair to brown jug.] - -[Illustration: - - _Jack and gill._ -] - -[Illustration: - - _Brougham Butterfly._ -] - - Throw Physic to the dogs! A pipe-cheroot— - Pilot—and life-preserver—_voilà tout_! - A little lecture now and then to boot— - A school or hospital to bustle thro'— - A few hard terms—on easy terms—to keep, - Then brown stout—bagatelle—half-slew'd and sleep: - - The Hall's _not_ passed! but very oft _passed by_; - _Hospital_ visits Students fain _ward_ off; - With _patients_ they're _impatient_—and the eye - Glances from book to beer—anon they scoff - At subjects—Somervile—and sick-inspection, - Cut up the section—and abjure dissection! - - A blessed School of Physic—half-and-half! - The Lushington of each young Doctors' Commons; - Medical Students—sons of gin and chaff— - Going to pot—for heavy—"reg'lar rum 'uns"— - Porter or spirits sitting down to swill, - And every smoking _Jack_ bless'd with his _gill_. - -22. Lord Brougham reported dead. - - "_The Brougham or Meadow Brown Butterfly, is seen in October, flies - low, and wanders about all parts of England and Scotland. Between - its wings it carries a remarkable profile of Lord Brougham. The - Caterpillar is chequered in green and black squares, resembling - those on plaid trousers._"—Juvenile Natural History. - -[Illustration: - - _Heartless Hoax._ -] - - I'd be a butterfly, spreading my pinions, - All through the future, and far after fame; - I'd die by chance to astound the press minions; - I'd see when dead what they'd do with my name. - I'd have a carriage, and when it had spill'd me, - Wheel O, and Shafto, and Leader, and all, - If a hoax were got up to announce it had kill'd me, - Just when my death all the land would appal, - I'd be a butterfly! - I'd be a butterfly! - I'd come to life again safe after all: - - - OCTOBER.—NOTICE TO QUIT. - -Well, we arrived at Boulogne; and Jemmy, after making inquiries, right -and left, about the Baron, found that no such person was known there; -and being bent, I suppose, at all events, on marrying her daughter to a -lord, she determined to set off for Paris, where, as he had often said, -he possessed a magnificent——, hotel he called it; and I remember Jemmy -being mightily indignant at the idea; but hotel, we found afterwards, -means only a house in French, and this reconciled her. Need I describe -the road from Boulogne to Paris? or, need I describe that Capitol -itself? Suffice it to say that we made our appearance there, at -Murisse's Hotel, as became the family of Coxe Tuggeridge; and saw -everything worth seeing in the metropolis in a week. It nearly killed -me, to be sure; but, when you're on a pleasure party in a foreign -country you must not mind a little inconvenience of this sort. - -Well: there is, near the city of Paris, a splendid road and row of -trees, which, I don't know why, is called the Shandeleezy, or Elysian -Fields, in French: others, I have heard, call it the Shandeleery; but -mine I know to be the correct pronunciation. In the middle of this -Shandeleezy is an open space of ground, and a tent, where, during the -summer, Mr. Franconi, the French Ashley, performs with his horses and -things. As everybody went there, and we were told it was quite the -thing, Jemmy agreed that we should go too; and go we did. It's just like -Ashley's: there's a man just like Mr. Piddicombe, who goes round the -ring in a huzzah-dress, cracking a whip; there are a dozen Miss -Woolfords, who appear like Polish Princesses, Dihannas, Sultannas, -Cachuchas, and heaven knows what! There's the fat man, who comes in with -the twenty-three dresses on, and turns out to be the living skeleton! -There's the clowns, the sawdust, the white horse that dances a hornpipe, -the candles stuck in hoops, just as in our own dear country. - -My dear wife, in her very finest clothes, with all the world looking at -her, was really enjoying this spectacle (which doesn't require any -knowledge of the language, seeing that the dumb animals don't talk it), -when there came in, presently, "the great Polish act of the Sarmatian -horse-tamer," on eight steeds, which we were all of us longing to see. -The horse-tamer, to music twenty miles an hour, rushed in on four of his -horses, leading the other four, and skurried round the ring. You -couldn't see him for the sawdust, but everybody was delighted, and -applauded like mad. Presently you saw there were only three horses in -front; he had slipped one more between his legs, another followed, and -it was clear that the consequences would be fatal, if he admitted any -more. The people applauded more than ever; and when, at last, seven and -eight were made to go in, not wholly, but sliding dexterously in and -out, with the others, so that you did not know which was which, the -house, I thought, would come down with applause; and the Sarmatian -horse-tamer bowed his great feathers to the ground. At last the music -grew slower, and he cantered leisurely round the ring; bending, -smirking, see-sawing, waving his whip, and laying his hand on his heart, -just as we have seen the Ashley's people do. - -But fancy our astonishment, when, suddenly, this Sarmatian horse-tamer, -coming round with his four pair at a canter, and being opposite our box, -gave a start, and a—hupp! which made all of his horses stop stock-still -at an instant! - -"Albert!" screamed my dear Jemmy: "Albert! Bahbahbah—baron!" - -The Sarmatian looked at her for a minute; and turning head over heels -three times, bolted suddenly off his horses, and away out of our sight. - -It was HIS EXCELLENCY THE BARON DE PUNTER! - -Jemmy went off in a fit, as usual, and we never saw the Baron again; but -we heard afterwards that Punter was an apprentice of Franconi's, and had -run away to England, thinking to better himself, and had joined Mr. -Richardson's army; but Mr. Richardson, and then London, did not agree -with him; and we saw the last of him as he sprung over the barriers at -the Tuggeridgeville tournament. - -"Well, Jemimarann," says Jemmy, in a fury, "you shall marry Tagrag; and -if I can't have a baroness for a daughter, at least you shall be a -baronet's lady!" Poor Jemimarann only sighed; she knew it was of no use -to remonstrate. - -[Illustration: - - THE HEIGHT OF SPECULATION—Groundless Expectations. -] - -Paris grew dull to us after this; and we were more eager than ever to go -back to London; for what should we hear, but that that monster, -Tuggeridge, of the city—old Tug's black son, forsooth!—was going to -contest Jemmy's claim to the property, and had filed I don't know how -many bills against us in Chancery! Hearing this, we set off immediately, -and we arrived at Boulogne, and set off in that very same Grand Turk -which had brought us to France. - -If you look in the bills, you will see that the steamers leave London on -Saturday morning, and Boulogne on Saturday night; so that there is often -not an hour between the time of arrival and departure. Bless us! bless -us! I pity the poor Captain that, for twenty-four hours at a time, is on -a paddle-box, roaring out, "Ease her! Stop her!" and the poor servants, -who are laying out breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, supper;—breakfast, -lunch, dinner, tea, supper again;—for layers upon layers of travellers, -as it were; and, most of all, I pity that unhappy steward, with those -unfortunate tin basins that he must always keep an eye over. - -Little did we know what a storm was brooding in our absence, and little -were we prepared for the awful, awful fate that hung over our -Tuggeridgeville property. - -Biggs, of the great house of Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, was our man -of business: when I arrived in London I heard that he had just set off -to Paris after me. So we started down to Tuggeridgeville instead of -going to Portland Place. As we came through the lodge-gates we found a -crowd assembled within them; and there was that horrid Tuggeridge on -horseback, with a shabby-looking man, called Mr. Scapgoat, and his man -of business, and many more. "Mr. Scapgoat," says Tuggeridge, grinning, -and handing him over a sealed paper, "here's the lease; I leave you in -possession, and wish you good morning." - -"In possession of what?" says the rightful lady of Tuggeridgeville, -leaning out of the carriage-window. She hated black Tuggeridge, as she -called him, like poison: the very first week of our coming to Portland -Place, when he called to ask restitution of some plate which he said was -his private property, she called him a base-born blackamoor, and told -him to quit the house. Since then there had been law-squabbles between -us without end, and all sorts of writings, meetings, and arbitrations. - -"Possession of my estate of Tuggeridgeville, madam," roars he, "left me -by my father's will, which you have had notice of these three weeks, and -know as well as I do." - -"Old Tug left no will," shrieked Jemmy; "he didn't die to leave his -estates to blackamoors—to negroes—to base-born mulatto story-tellers; if -he did, may I be——" - -"Oh hush! dearest mamma," says Jemimarann. "Go it again, mother!" says -Tug, who is always sniggering. - -"What is this business, Mr. Tuggeridge?" cried Tagrag (who was the only -one of our party that had his senses); "what is this will?" - -"Oh, it's merely a matter of form," said the lawyer, riding up. "For -Heaven's sake, madam, be peaceable; let my friends, Higgs, Biggs, and -Blatherwick, arrange with me. I am surprised that none of their people -are here. All that you have to do is to eject us; and the rest will -follow, of course." - -"Who has taken possession of this here property?" roars Jemmy, again. - -"My friend, Mr. Scapgoat," said the lawyer. Mr. Scapgoat grinned. - -"Mr. Scapgoat," said my wife, shaking her fist at him (for she is a -woman of no small spirit), "if you don't leave this ground, I'll have -you pushed out with pitchforks, I will, you and your beggarly -blackamoor, yonder." And, suiting the action to the word, she clapped a -stable-fork into the hands of one of the gardeners, and called another, -armed with a rake, to his help, while young Tug set the dog at their -heels, and I hurrahed for joy to see such villainy so properly treated. - -"That's sufficient, ain't it?" said Mr. Scapgoat, with the calmest air -in the world. "Oh, completely," said the lawyer. "Mr. Tuggeridge, we've -ten miles to dinner. Madam, your very humble servant." And the whole -posse of them rode away. - - NOVEMBER. [1840. - -[Illustration] - - - LONDON SMOKE. - -[Sidenote: _First Day of Term._ - [Illustration] - The - field-sports' - rule reversed - by legal - wags, - [Illustration] - _He clips._ - Bags do not - bear - the fox, - but foxes, - bags. - [Illustration] - _Orange Lodge._] - - Smoke rules the roast! November, foggy, drear; - Oh! when from darkness will its days desist? - Month of suspicion, that leaves all to clear, - For though nought's _stolen_, everything is _mist_! - - It is a bully month, whose _vapouring_ flies - Wherever man is found, or woman walks; - An equal favourer of dis-_guise_ and _Guys_, - Assassin patron _both_ of knives and _Faukes_! - - Densely impervious is its dark-winged air, - Driver of soot from roofs and chimney stacks, - London its fort—it is accounted there - _The Great Emancipator of the blacks!_ - - Smoke is its sister, and assister too; - Protean creature, taking every form,— - Now gently rising from an Irish stew, - Now rushing from a steamer in a storm! - - Smoke; lo! it curleth from the Meersham fine, - Say it dissolves—so is _mere sham_ to boot— - Clearly _as_-cended from the female line, - At all events, it comes from a _she root_! - - Now it runs up a pipe, with odorous charms, - Bringing effluvia from the flue: who dips - In heraldry, will see its coat of arms - Should bear the _barber's_ motto of "_Eclipse_." - - Smoke will have sway; a very dingy yoke - It keeps us under, and 'tis time we broke it; - Alas! we can't, and e'en our very joke, - Reader, we find is nothing till you smoke it. - - Smoke and November, then, go hand in hand, - Till time dismiss them thro' his "chaos" gates; - Time is a man of taste, he clears the land, - And just like smoke itself—_he vapour hates_! - - -5. William the Third landed. - - _Oranges_ come in. - All Orange lodges are by law forbad! - How so!—When into Bartolph Lane one dodges, - And finds, in plain defiance, man and lad, - Christian and Jew, all keeping Orange lodges? - -11. St. Martin. (Patron of Betty.) - -[Illustration: - - NOVEMBER—Law-Life Assurance. -] - - - NOVEMBER.—LAW-LIFE ASSURANCE. - -We knew not what this meant, until we received a strange document from -Higgs, in London; which begun, "Middlesex to wit. Samuel Cox, late of -Portland Place, in the city of Westminster, in the said County, was -attached to answer Samuel Scapgoat, of a plea, wherefore, with force and -arms he entered into one messuage, with the appurtenances, which John -Tuggeridge, Esq., demised to the said Samuel Scapgoat, for a term which -is not yet expired, and ejected him." And it went on to say, that "we, -with force of arms, viz., with swords, knives, and staves, had ejected -him." Was there ever such a monstrous falsehood? when we did but stand -in defence of our own; and isn't it a sin, that we should have been -turned out of our rightful possessions upon such a rascally plea? - -Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick had evidently been bribed; for, would you -believe it? they told us to give up possession at once, as a will was -found, and we could not defend the action. My Jemmy refused their -proposal with scorn, and laughed at the notion of the will: she -pronounced it to be a forgery, a vile blackamoor forgery; and believes -to this day that the story of its having been made thirty years ago in -Calcutta, and left there with old Tug's papers, and found there, and -brought to England, after a search made by order of Tuggeridge, junior, -is a scandalous falsehood. - -Well, the cause was tried. Why need I say anything concerning it? What -shall I say of the Lord Chief Justice but that he ought to be ashamed of -the wig he sits in? What of Mr.——, and Mr.——, who exerted their -influence against justice and the poor? On our side, too, was no less a -man than Mr. Serjeant Binks, who, ashamed I am, for the honour of the -British bar, to say it, seemed to have been bribed too; for he actually -threw up his case! Had he behaved like Mr. Mulligan, his junior—and to -whom, in this humble way, I offer my thanks—all might have been well. I -never knew such an effect produced, as when Mr. Mulligan, appearing for -the first time in that court, said, "Standing here, upon the pidestal of -secred Thamis, seeing around me the arnymints of a profission I rispict; -having before me a vinnerable Judge, and an elightened Jury—the -counthry's glory, the netion's cheap defender, the poor man's priceless -palladium—how must I thrimble, my Lard, how must the blush bejew my -cheek—(somebody cried out '_O cheeks!_' In the court there was a -dreadful roar of laughing; and when order was established, Mr. Mulligan -continued)—my Lard, I heed them not; I come from a counthry accustomed -to opprission, and as that counthry—yes, my Lard, _that Ireland_ (do not -laugh, I am proud of it)—is ever, in spite of her tyrants, green, and -lovely, and beautiful; my client's cause, likewise, will rise shuperior -to the malignant imbecility—I repeat, the MALIGNANT IMBECILITY of those -who would thrample it down; and in whose teeth, in my client's name, in -my counthry's, aye, and _my own_, I, with folded arrums, hurl a scarnful -and eternal defiance!" - -"For Heaven's sake, Mr. Milligan"—"MULLIGAN, ME LARD," cried my -defender—"Well, Mulligan, then; be calm, and keep to your brief." - -Mr. Mulligan did; and, for three hours and a quarter, in a speech -crammed with Latin quotations, and unsurpassed for eloquence, he -explained the situation of me and my family; the romantic manner in -which Tuggeridge, the elder, gained his fortune, and by which it -afterwards came to my wife; the state of Ireland; the original and -virtuous poverty of the Coxes—from which he glanced passionately, for a -few minutes (until the Judge stopped him), to the poverty of his own -country; my excellence as a husband, father, landlord; my wife's, as a -wife, mother, landlady. All was in vain—the trial went against us. - -I was soon taken in execution for the damages; five hundred pounds of -law expenses of my own, and as much more of Tuggeridge's. He would not -pay a farthing, he said, to get me out of a much worse place than the -Fleet. - -I need not tell you that along with the land went the house in town and -the money in the funds. Tuggeridge, he who had thousands before, had it -all. - -And when I was in prison who do you think would come and see me? None of -the Barons, nor Counts, nor Foreign Ambassadors, nor Excellencies, who -used to fill our house, and eat and drink at our expense,—not even the -ungrateful Tagrag! - -I could not help now saying to my dear wife, "See, my love, we have been -gentlefolks for exactly a year, and a pretty life we have had of it. In -the first place, my darling, we gave grand dinners, and everybody -laughed at us." - -"Yes, and recollect how ill they made you," cries my daughter. - -"Then you must make a country gentleman of me." - -"And send pa into dunghills," roared Tug. - -"Then you must go to operas, and pick up foreign Barons and Counts." - -"O, thank heaven! dearest papa, that we are rid of them," cries my -little Jemimarann, looking almost happy, and kissing her old pappy. - -"And you must make a fine gentleman of Tug, and send him to a fine -school." - -"And I give you my word," says Tug, "I'm as ignorant a chap as ever -lived." - -"You're an insolent saucebox," says Jemmy; "you've learned that at your -fine school." - -"I've learned something else, too, ma'am; ask the boys if I haven't," -grumbles Tug. - -"You hawk your daughter about, and just escape marrying her to a -swindler." - -"And drive off poor Orlando," whimpered my girl. "Silence, Miss," says -Jemmy, fiercely. - -"You insult the man whose father's property you inherited, and bring me -into this prison, without hope of leaving it; for he never can help us -after all your bad language." I said all this very smartly; for the fact -is, my blood was up at the time, and I determined to rate my dear girl -soundly. - -"Oh! Sammy," said she, sobbing (for the poor thing's spirit was quite -broken), "it's all true; I've been very, very foolish and vain, and I've -punished my dear husband and children by my follies, and I do so, so -repent them!" Here, Jemimarann at once burst out crying, and flung -herself into her mamma's arms, and the pair roared and sobbed for ten -minutes together; even Tug looked queer: and as for me, it's a most -extraordinary thing, but I'm blest if seeing them so miserable didn't -make me quite happy. I don't think for the whole twelve months of our -good fortune I had ever felt so gay as in that dismal room in the Fleet -where I was locked up. - -Poor Orlando Crump came to see us every day; and we, who had never taken -the slightest notice of him, in Portland Place, and treated him so -cruelly that day, at Beulah Spa, were only too glad of his company now. -He used to bring books for my girl, and a bottle of sherry for me; and -he used to take home Jemmy's fronts, and dress them for her; and when -locking-up time came, he used to see the ladies home to their little -three-pair bed-room, in Holborn, where they slept now, Tug and all. "Can -the bird forget its nest?" Orlando used to say (he was a romantic young -fellow, that's the truth, and blew the flute, and read Lord Byron, -incessantly, since he was separated from Jemimarann); "Can the bird, let -loose in eastern climes, forget its home? Can the rose cease to remember -its beloved bulbul?—Ah! no. Mr. Cox, you made me what I am, and what I -hope to die—a hairdresser. I never see a curling-irons before I entered -your shop, or knew Naples from brown Windsor. Did you not make over your -house, your furniture, your emporium of perfumery, and nine-and-twenty -shaving customers, to me? Are these trifles? Is Jemimarann a trifle? if -she will allow me to call her so. O, Jemimarann! your pa found me in the -workhouse, and made me what I am. Conduct me to my grave, and I never, -never shall be different!" When he had said this, Orlando was so much -affected, that he rushed suddenly on his hat, and quitted the room. - -Then Jemimarann began to cry too. "O, pa!" said she, "isn't he, isn't he -a nice young man?" - -"I'm _hanged_ if he ain't," says Tug. "What do you think of his giving -me eighteenpence yesterday, and a bottle of lavender water for -Mimarann?" - -"He might as well offer to give you back the shop, at any rate," says -Jemmy. - -"What! to pay Tuggeridge's damages? My dear, I'd sooner die than give -Tuggeridge the chance." - -[Illustration: - - DECEMBER—Christmas Bustle. -] - - 1840.] DECEMBER. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: _Grate_ Wind.] - -[Illustration: Men and Measures.] - -[Illustration: Boxing Day.] - -[Illustration: A Muff-in-Belle.] - - - FAT CATTLE SHOW. - -December should be a cheerful month, weather or no. It should be a warm -one too, though never so cold. People blow their fires and use their -bellows within, while the wind bellows without. Lawyers are glad over -_Coke_. Men _take measures_ to secure the comfort of their bodies, and -preserve the coats of their stomachs. Though the Legislature does not -sit, the middle classes rejoice in the carrying of _many of their -bills_. Pastrycooks begin to _mince matters_; and "eyes" are turned -towards "pies." Politicians affect sincerity; and _Peel, tout_ _sweet_, -becomes _candid_. _Gross_ acts of plum-puddingizing are effected by -means of a _grocer_; and _Plum-tree-street_ is then the sweetest -locality in St. Giles's. The Irish daily find fresh _raisins_ for -flocking there. With the sale of plums money gets _current_; but the -sovereign is just now more valued than ever, and, at the great theatres, -_Stirling_ is all the go. The markets grow lively, and Smithfield puts -forth its show. Pigs have lots of stuffing, and get so heavy that it is -quite common to ask for a _pig of lead_. About oxen and sheep there is a -decided _ignis fat-you-us_. Beasts visit beasts, and human fat cattle—to -survey the quadrupedal—walk in, _plump_. Butchers display fine _traits_. -_Boxing day_ arrives, and with it the _knocks_ of tradesmen, but they -only make a _hit_ when they are paid. People are obliged to wait for -their own _Nox_ till _night_. Merry drinks and games then stir not the -fire, but the fire-side. The _younger_ branches of families are indulged -in wine that is _elder_, universal _supperage_ supplies the place of -universal suffrage; and the only ballot is for the bean in the cake. -Christmas is as brave a fellow on land as ever Admiral _Winter_ was at -sea, and should be toasted accordingly. He lights our fires, and leaves -few without fuel:—he tows up our colliers to warm our toes; and, though -he is too kind to sink the barges, he always _scuttles the coals_! He is -no revolutionist, for, whilst warming the _little_, he has a respect for -the _grate_. "He is," says the Frenchman, "our defender, by _de_ -_fender_; and if he do seem cold, it is only because he is neither a -_bore_ nor a _muff_." - -[Illustration: 15. Mrs. Trimmer d. 1810.] - - Hurrah! for jolly Christmas, boys! his days are coming fast; - When rod is nought but rod'montade, and birch becomes bombast. - - - DECEMBER.—CHRISTMAS BUSTLE. - -Tuggeridge vowed that I should finish my days there, when he put me in -prison. It appears that we both had reason to be ashamed of ourselves, -and were, thank God! I learned to be sorry for my bad feelings towards -him, and he actually wrote to me, to say,— - -"Sir,—I think you have suffered enough for faults which, I believe, do -not lie with you, so much as your wife; and I have withdrawn my claims -which I had against you while you were in wrongful possession of my -father's estates. You must remember that when, on examination of my -father's papers, no will was found, I yielded up his property, with -perfect willingness, to those who I fancied were his legitimate heirs. -For this I received all sorts of insults from your wife and yourself -(who acquiesced in them); and when the discovery of a will in India -proved _my_ just claims you must remember how they were met, and the -vexatious proceedings with which you sought to oppose them. - -"I have discharged your lawyer's bill; and, as I believe you are more -fitted for the trade you formerly exercised than for any other, I will -give five hundred pounds for the purchase of a stock and shop when you -shall find one to suit you. - -"I enclose a draft for twenty pounds, to meet your present expenses. You -have, I am told, a son, a boy of some spirit; if he likes to try his -fortune abroad, and go on board an Indiaman, I can get him an -appointment; and am, Sir, your obedient servant, - - JOHN TUGGERIDGE." - -It was Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, who brought this letter, and -looked mighty contemptuous as she gave it. - -"I hope, Breadbasket, that your master will send me my things, at any -rate," cries Jemmy. "There's seventeen silk and satin dresses, and a -whole heap of trinkets, that can be of no earthly use to him." - -"Don't Breadbasket me, mem, if you please, mem. My master says that them -things is quite obnoxious to your spere of life. Breadbasket, indeed!" -and so she sailed out. - -Jemmy hadn't a word; she had grown mighty quiet since we had been in -misfortune: but my daughter looked as happy as a queen; and Tug, when he -heard of the ship, gave a jump that nearly knocked down poor Orlando. -"Ah, I suppose you'll forget me now," says he, with a sigh; and seemed -the only unhappy person in company. - -"Why, you conceive, Mr. Crump," says my wife, with a great deal of -dignity, "that, connected as we are, a young man born in a work——" - -"Woman!" cried I (for once in my life determined to have my own way), -"hold your foolish tongue. Your absurd pride has been the ruin of us, -hitherto; and, from this day, I'll have no more of it. Hark ye, Orlando, -if you will take Jemimarann, you may have her; and if you'll take five -hundred pounds for a half share of the shop, they're yours; and _that's_ -for you, Mrs. Coxe." - -And here we are, back again. And I write this from the old back shop, -where we are all waiting to see the new year in. Orlando sits yonder, -plaiting a wig for my Lord Chief Justice, as happy as may be; and -Jemimarann and her mother have been as busy as you can imagine all day -long, and are just now giving the finishing touches to the bridal -dresses; for the wedding is to take place the day after to-morrow. I've -cut seventeen heads off (as I say) this very day; and as for Jemmy, I no -more mind her than I do the Emperor of China and all his Tambarins. Last -night we had a merry meeting of our friends and neighbours, to celebrate -our re-appearance among them; and very merry we all were. We begun with -quadrilles, but I never could do 'em well; and, after that, to please -Mr. Crump and his intended, we tried a gallopard, which I found anything -but easy: for since I am come back to a life of peace and comfort, it's -astonishing how stout I'm getting; so we turned at once to what Jemmy -and me excels in—a country dance; which is rather surprising, as we was -both brought up to a town life. As for young Tug, he showed off in a -sailor's hornpipe; which Mrs. Coxe says is very proper for him to learn, -now he is intended for the sea. But stop! here comes in the punchbowls; -and if we are not happy, who is? I say I am like the Swish people, for I -can't flourish out of my native _hair_. - - - EXTRACTS FROM THE ANNUAL REGISTER OF - REMARKABLE OCCURRENCES IN 1839. - -JAN. 9.—Discovery of the real Vegetable Pills:—A patient hoaxed the -vendor, and, instead of taking them, sowed them in his garden. A fine -crop of peas was the result. The man had been selling those pleasant -vegetables, in boxes, disguised as pills by being covered with an outer -coating of flour; but, from having been always _in flower_, they were -now thoroughly _blown_! - -In the north, a Coroner's inquest was held upon the body of a man who -died from taking another kind of Vegetable Pills. On opening the body -the interior was discovered to be one huge cabbage, of great dimensions, -but dead, to its heart's core, of confinement and want of water—a -beverage which the patient unfortunately never drank. The jury returned -a verdict of "_quits_." "Quits, gentlemen!" exclaimed the dismayed -Coroner—"never heard of such a thing! What do you mean?" "Why," replied -the foreman, with some warmth, "we find that if the cabbage killed the -man, the man most certainly killed the cabbage; and if that ain't quits, -blow me!" - -JAN. 24.—Her Majesty went on to the stage of Drury Lane Theatre, to -inspect Van Amburgh and his beasts. The Queen was mistaken by many for -the _Lady of Lyons_. - -[Illustration: - - _Cab-rearer._ -] - -FEB. 18.—Maroto did a bit of important slaughter, and murdered twelve -generals, upon the plea of the general welfare. Rather a contradictory -reason; but Don Carlos entered France in consequence. They say his -chiefs were bribed by a _palmer's stone_, and it is certain there was -some palming, any way. The only commander that now sticks to him is -Cabrera, and he's not unlikely to be upset. - -MARCH 3.—Vestris attempted to be blown up. A _private box_ given her in -her own theatre—loaded with combustibles. Drawing cover—and discovery in -consequence. - - Some spiteful people envying Madame's fame, - Dare to pronounce it an Olympic game! - -MAY 21.—Procession of the Temperance Society. - - Tea-total army! how you march, - Tag-rag and bob-tail of Bohea: - With sober legs, and visage starch, - Looking like men "_done to a Tea_." - - You're not so jolly o'er your fate, - As merry boys that drink and dance; - You're cross—and show (I temper hate!) - Bad temper in your _temperance_. - - Besides, I think I let truth slip, - Oh! marching most demure, mobocrasy. - And have you fairly "on the _hip_" - By hinting here at your _hypocrisy_! - - For on this mighty celebration, - When all abroad for show you roam, - 'Tis said, you'll scandalize your nation, - _And get blind drunk a-going home_! - -MAY 23.—Queen Adelaide returned:— - - This good Queen comes with health restored - Of which before she was defaulter: - Did she drink stout when on ship-board, - Or was she known to _malt_ at _Malta_? - -JUNE 30.—The Sultan of Turkey died of _delirium tremens_; the Father of -the Faithful going drunk to the seventh heaven! His son—scion of the -same _die-nasty_—ascended the throne; but taught, by example, not to -_wine_, hid his grief and drowned his father's cellars in the Bosphorus. -Shortly after this his whole fleet _abstained from Port_—and absconded -to Mehemet Ali. - -JULY 2.—Birmingham riots. A smart fire, but no "_Burns's_ Justice,"— -_down-fall_ of much _uphold_-stery. Beds in flames—among the -_mattresses_ great destruction of _tick_—credit vanishing. Sacrifice of -property not unlike _sacking_. Town in a storm. - -JULY 21.—Rage for publishing portraits of the Queen—some in the _Lane_ -and some in the line-manner: some done by _Doo_, and some engraved by -_Cousins_—not by Cousin George, or Cousin Albert,—not by a Prince man, -but a man of Prints. But _muzzy-tinto_ seems the favourite style. - -AUG. 30.—The Cinque Ports gave a banquet to the Duke of Wellington, -where they did not _sink port_ at all; on the contrary, the feast was -carried on with much _wine_, and a great deal of _spirit_; and, although -the room was surrounded with _banners_, nothing was found to _flag_. -There were plenty of _rations_, and orations, and Lord Brougham's -Waterloo Eulogy was a eulogy of the first water. - -SEPT. 7.—The Secretary of War dated a letter from Windsor Castle, -mistaking it for his _Home Office_. As it was, it was only a blunder, -but he might as well have kissed Her Majesty by mistake, and then it -would have been a blunder-buss. - -SEPT. 12.—Poulett Thomson went to Canada, in the _Pique_ frigate; and -many people were much _piqued_ at the circumstance. The ejaculation of -"_Shiver my timbers!_" became prevalent, at the same time, with the -great wood-dealers of British America. - -SEPT. 22.—Pump locked up at Ramsgate, during divine service. - - Lock up the pump! no! no! we see - At once the whole report is scandal: - What dullards in that town must be - Who'd stop the music of a _Handel_ - -SEPT. 28.—The Lord Mayor's chaplain preached his annual sermon before -the Corporation; and took for his text, "A citizen of no _mean_ city." -The Corporation, however, got offended at the discourse, which induced -them to withhold the usual fifty-pound donation. The sermon contained -such a _dressing_ that they considered themselves _overdone_; and, -refusing to be _rated_ after that fashion, took their own notes, but -withheld the fifty. The reverend gentleman is now of opinion that they -are citizens of _a very mean city indeed_; and, if he has not a text, he -has, at least, a _pre_text for saying so. - -[Illustration: - - A Man of Letters. -] - -NOV. 8.—Post-office arrangements proposed. Treasury issues one minute, -which it takes twenty to read. Postage, not uniform, but promoted to a -groat, to promote the circulation of fourpenny-pieces. The Chancellor of -the Exchequer, having looked at the question in its every _Baring_— -declines throwing the letters more open—to distribution. Nevertheless, -correspondence will be so much increased, that this may be called a -_post age_—and Lord Lichfield, A MAN OF LETTERS. - - - ASSOCIATION OF BRITISH ILLUMINATI, HELD AT - BIRMINGHAM, IN AUGUST, 1839. - - [We have been requested to insert the following selections from the - proceedings of the Institution, in consequence of the unhandsome - conduct of some of the newspapers, in refusing to publish any - further reports unless they were paid for as advertisements.] - -A great feature, in the meeting this year, has been the elegant and -intelligible simplicity of the subjects and papers discussed; the -following are a few of the most interesting:— - -Mr. Bewdlite's paper "On the retrograde Progression of vegetable -Ærolites, supposed to be caused by the flowing Stagnation of diurnal -Currents, coming in Contact with a Board of Guardians," was much -admired; as well as Dr. Terncow's admirable paper "On the Tendency of -extreme Nervous Filaments to form Photogenic Conventions," and "The -Advantages derived from forcing condensed Air into the Brain, to sharpen -the Powers of Hearing," by which means a whisper at Dover could be -distinctly heard at Boulogne. - -Under the head of Section W, an interesting report was read by Dr. -Buckleband, on some important geological and antiquarian discoveries, -which were made, in the neighbourhood of Holborn, by the workmen -employed in a lying down gas-pipes. It appeared that, at the depth of -six feet below the mud formation, having passed through a _stratum_ of -London dirt, teeming with interesting _reliquiæ_ of blacking-bottles and -tobacco-pipes, in a fine state of petrifaction, together with traces of -decayed vegetable matter, interspersed with bones of feline _mammalia_, -they struck upon a mass of regular brickwork, which was, at first, -supposed to be the remains of the Roman road which formerly ran from -King's Cross to Evans's Hotel, in Covent Garden. On carefully removing -the masonry, they arrived at a curiously constructed apartment, or -_cella_, containing several dozen bottles, of modern form, reclining in -sawdust round the walls. The wine in the bottles was found to be -perfectly unimpaired by its long repose, and tasted fresh and sweet. One -gentleman pronounced it to be the Massican wine so lauded by Pliny. -Another, who had hitherto pretended to be a judge of old wine, stated -that it was merely a compound of inferior port (fine rough flavour, -30_s._) and red currant, with a small admixture of English brandy. The -learned professor merely mentioned this absurd opinion as a matter of -entertainment. One of the most singular features of this gratifying -discovery, was one of the everlasting lamps, of which curious light a -small jet was burning over the bins, with a flame exactly resembling -gas. He expected a further report of their proceedings by the seven -o'clock train. While the learned gentleman was speaking, the -communication arrived. Much excitement prevailed as he read the paper; -and one of the audience, in his nervous agitation, took another's -snuff-box by mistake. It appeared that the workmen had descended, in -company with several contributors to the "Gentleman's Magazine," and, -following a long passage, similarly adorned with bottles, began to -contemplate the idea of bringing to light an entire subterranean Roman -city; probably destroyed by one of the early volcanic eruptions of the -_Mons Primula_, or Primrose Hill, of the ancients. On ascending a flight -of steps they came to a small door, which they eagerly forced open, and -the astonished group found themselves in the "bottling department" of -what had been apparently an early Roman "wine vaults." - -Mr. Lyme Stone produced a fine fossil specimen of the claw of some -extinct animal, which had been discovered by the excavators of the -Southampton Railroad. He had shown it to the learned professor, who had -drawn the entire animal from this single specimen; and, on comparing it -with the Munkorsensauros, it was found to be correct, with the exception -of the tail being curly instead of straight. Mr. Planecence inquired if -it was not likely to be the claw of an eagle, in composition similar to -those displayed in the New Road, where the two gentlemen, without any -clothes, are represented as playing at single-stick. He was strengthened -in this idea by observing an iron pin running through the claw, probably -to fix it to the pedestal. Mr. Lyme Stone was sorry that the honourable -and learned gentleman was such a confounded fool. The pin with which it -was transfixed was evidently a weapon of chase, proving the existence of -man upon the earth to be coeval with his desire for food. - -An angry discussion would doubtless have taken place had not the hour -sounded for dinner. The company speedily separated, and proved the -superiority of the attraction that ducks and salmon possessed over -inorganic incomprehensibles. - - - BLARNEYHUM ASS-TROLOGICUM PRO ANNO 1840. - -[Illustration] - - COURTEOUS READER, - -Hold thy breath lightly, while I outpour to thee, in gentle diction, my -prediction of events. Behold the Hieroglyphic Interpreter of the symbols -of the present and the future; and what a _posse_ of things—both _in -posse_ and _in esse_—it closes and discloses under its mystic mantle. -Imagine thyself, for a moment, like the topmost sails of some goodly -vessel,—the moon-raker—the star-gazer—the sky-scraper of the -Firm-i-meant; and peruse what my prophecy doth, by a ruse, foretel. See -the signs of my designs. Now, high in the mid-heaven, behold _Albertus -Sagittarius_ as the Cupid Archer, driving his love-dart through the -window of that constellatory hotel, known in great and little Britain by -the sign of the _Virgo_ and _Crown_. Behold the _Miss_ is _hit_. This is -portentous of hymen; but other high men, lo! are typified in those -dejected falling stars, pursuing their downward decadence from the -court-yard of the palatial Inn. Now, then, shall marriage spread wide -its pinions among people of all opinions, and the cord of con-cord shall -be tied. See that gorgeous hecatomb of _hearts_, which the young _trump, -Love_, fires and inspires with fame and flame. He, behold, is the -rightful Duke of _Victoria; husbanding_ his resources, and yet setting -the tide of conquest through the world. Baby linen becomes shortly at a -premium, and my art foresees a prevalence of _Sun_ and _Air_! - -_Whirled_ into fire, see the political _world_, and _ire_ burst from the -soil of _Ire_-land. In fancy, I behold the flames, now in _in_-fancy, -mount and swell. Jack _Frost_ sits melancholy mad, and burns his fingers -by the blaze he essays to raise; but there are other _Jacks_ that want -_roasting_, which the courteous Reader will _smoke_. The _broils_ are -not over; and, though the fierceness of the fire of politics will not -evaporate the Thames, yet, from Westminster to the Tower, it shall send -forth a _hissing noise_. - -But sit thou lightly on thy throne, Victoria! for the tumult shall be -_tumultum in parvo_; and thy people, convinced that it was _infra dig._ -to abandon the _spade_ for the pike, and assume the habits of the -_rake_, will leave the fields of speculation for those of agriculture; -and their sons and daughters, emulating thy good example, will betake -them to arts of _husband_ry, cast away their _divisions_ for -_multiplication_, and thus enjoy the Irish _sunshine_ of a genial -_reign_. - - RIGDUM FUNNIDOS. - -[Illustration] - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1841. - - -[Illustration] - - - COMMONS, BUT NOT SHORT COMMONS - -[Illustration: - - The bar of the House. -] - -[Illustration: - - A sergeant at arms. -] - -[Illustration: - - Milton on Stilton. -] - - - MARTYRS IN PRISON. - - Sheriffs in custody!—in very quod! - Deep, but still jolly, in their dreadful sin; - Both reg'lar rum 'uns, - Each a noble feller, - And living just as if the House of Commons - Had got a splendid cellar, - And shoved 'em in the Duff and Gordon bin! - How very odd! - A sheriff's officer's the soul of _trap_, - Like pot-house people, always at the _tap_, - Though not a _bar_-gent. - Thanks that no sheriff here was sent to prison - By any _officer_ of his'n - Tapp'd in the time of "tarms:" - But simply handed over to a _sergeant_ - At arms! - These are no poets robb'd of attic bliss, - For when did Grub-street feed on grub like this? - Ham, chicken, veal, or tongue - For supper, 'stead of the "Night Thoughts" of Young; - Stilton, - Instead of Milton, - Champagne most sparkling, _eau de vie_ most fiery, - And baskets full of cards of fond inquiry! - - J orums of punch, the bowl a very fixture, - A nd made, like snuff, a sort of Prince's mixture; - N o end of wine, and, ergo, no repining, - U seful distinction betwixt wine and whining; - A prison-palace—comfortable, airy, - R ather a safe than dungeon, though terms vary; - Y our sheriffs keep good terms with JANUARY. - -6. Twelfth Day. - - That biggest cake, so prime and nice, - What's its price? - Guineas two!—well, there I'm done! - What's the other?—guinea one! - Humph! that little 'un—you can buy - For half-a-guinea:—O my eye! - If you please, a penny bun! - -[Illustration: - - JANUARY—Twelfth Night—drawing Characters. -] - - - TWELFTH NIGHT. - - (_Not_ SHAKSPEARE'S.) - - Miss Miffins was a blooming nymph, - Of almost half a cent'ry, - Who long had grieved her book of life - To keep by single entry. - - She'd once a quiver-full of beaus; - Old, young, short, tall, dark, light: - Stokes, Nokes, Tibbs, Nibbs, Hill, Till, Fox, Knox - But never Mister Right. - - In fact, she was a _leetle_ proud, - And loved to play and park it; - And so, like many another _fair_, - She'd overstood her _market_. - - The Baker woo'd her once, and oft - At eve love's tale would tell her; - But all she said to him was this, - "Begone you kneady feller!" - - The Pieman, too, had tried his luck: - But there again her pride - Stood in her way: she couldn't bear - To be a Tarter's bride. - - The man "wot drives the pleasure wan" - Had loved her to insanity; - But, as she said, "What's pleasure? Stuff! - And wans is nought but wanity!" - - The Miller next, in honey'd words, - That love so promptly teaches, - Assail'd her heart. But "Come," said she, - "None of your _flowry_ speeches!" - - The Clothesman, too, although a Jew, - Desired to be her beau; - But finding _Phillis_ look so cold, - Return'd to his old "Clo'." - - The Pawnbroker had also shown - A flatt'ring predilection: - But "No," said she, "don't look to me - For Pledges of affection." - - Thus all the men she jilted then, - And one reply they got: - "She'd rather live without a tie"— - But now—she'd rather knot. - - So one twelfth-day—that is, one sixth— - She went the cakes to view: - Like all the world, who feel, that day, - A cake-oëthes too. - - Of course the boys soon pinn'd her fast, - (No greater plagues on earth!) - And her poor gown became the vic- - Tim of their boy-strous mirth. - - A cracker, too, by sad mischance, - And while with fear she panted, - At one fell bounce, soon fired her flounce— - Though not the spark she wanted. - - A hero bold who stood close by, - Quick to her rescue flew, - And tore away the flaming robe:— - Her pocket vanish'd too. - - She went into a fit—so strong, - That two young Tailors swore - They'd never seen in all their lives - So tight a fit before. - - The swain into whose arms she'd fall'n, - When to herself she'd come, - Seeing that she was "all abroad," - Begg'd he might see her home. - - Arrived, they talk'd of this and that, - Love, war, and heroes dead. - A soldier he—a man of rank - (And file, he might have said)— - - A Polish Count, a Knight Grand Cross, - K. X., and Q. E. D.; - Grand Master of the Blood-red Dirk, - And R. O. G. U. E. - - In fine, to make a long tale short, - He tickled her ambition; - And soon at Church persuaded her - To _altar_ her condition. - - Then off she wrote to all her friends— - Aunt Smith and Cousin Cole; - To tell them all the news, how she - Was tied to a great Pole. - - But, oh! pride, pride must have a fall; - Her cash he soon got through: - And then, one mizzling Mich'lmas day, - The Count he mizzled too. - - And ever since, on fair Twelfth Night, - A wand'ring form is seen: - A female form, and this its cry:— - "Vy vot a Cake I've been!" - -[Illustration: - - Curiosities of Ornithology. -] - -[Illustration] - - - A MARRY-TIME VIEW. - -10. Queen Victoria's marriage. - -[Illustration: - - A wedding ring. -] - -[Illustration: - - General Jam. -] - -[Illustration: - - A Watchman in Seven Dials. -] - - To gaze upon the wide expanse of ocean, - Far as horizon, I confess, sublime; - To feast our eyes on nuptial groups in motion, - Is, notwithstanding, just as _marry time_. - - A Royal wedding host and pouring rain, - Both rushing on to-gether, and to boot, - By the park railway, carriages in train, - With shoals of footmen and of men on foot. - - A gathering of the people, all from home, - The _reigning_ Queen and _raining_ sky to view; - In Italy the millions rush to _Rome_, - Are they not free to _roam_ in London too? - - Throngs of the curious—curiously met, - An inconsistent batch of low and high; - Drunkards, for instance, getting drench'd with _wet_, - And still declaring they were very _dry_! - - Women with _pattens_ found to _clog_ the way, - Young thieves aspiring to the golden fleece, - 'Mid torrents fair, that soaked, with equal play, - A new policeman, or a new pelisse. - - Tea-totallers, with spirits under proof, - And lots of water for them overhead, - There was, because men would not stand aloof, - A general _jam_, but one that wouldn't _spread_! - - Matters grew pressing, and, without regard - To toes or ribs, a bonnet or a belly, - The _jam_ I speak of soon became so hard, - It nearly jammed some people to a _jelly_! - - Yet at that Royal wedding, people say, - The pickpockets their trade did sadly botch; - For one industrious youth came all the way - From _Seven Dials_ to steal a _single watch_! - -[Illustration: - - The new Belle and Crown. -] - -12. 11th Hussars, called Prince Albert's own. - - God save the Queen!—we love her, and the sign is— - Millions of warm huzzas still greet her throne; - One thousand prime hussars she gives his Highness - But she is more than them—Prince Albert's own. - - - SAINT VALENTINE. - - _Des Oiseaux._ - - Sweet Valentine, thy praise is heard - In ev'ry grove so green, oh! - And thousand birds press on to join - The _Concert Valentino_. - - There's not an oak, or ash, or elm, - But some fond couple bears; - The very apple-tree itself - Is cover'd o'er with pairs. - - And though the groves are bare of leaf, - As far as eyes can reach; - And not a bough one bud can boast, - They've lots of flow'rs—of speech. - - There's young Jack Daw, and young Mac Caw, - And Phil O'Mel (though late), - Each pressing on his am'rous suit, - With all his feather weight. - - The beaux so very pert are grown, - That, when their lady wills, - Like oppositionist M.P.'s, - They wont withdraw their bills. - - There's Mister Ostrich 'mong the belles - Is quite a forward chap, - Which, Ostrich-like, he seems to think - A feather in his cap. - - Miss Pelican declares her beau - Is got beyond endurance; - And wonders at—she really does— - His Pelican Assurance. - - Miss Pigeon's trying to look shy, - _He's_ calling her "crosspatch!" - But, though a Pouter now she seems, - 'Twill be a Pigeon match. - - The Peacock leads his belle along, - And presses her to wed; - And now he gives his lips a feast, - Then gives his tail a spread. - - Each fowl has got some pretty gift - Beneath his am'rous wing: - Some offer wreaths of orange flow'r; - The Dove has brought his ring. - - There's not a birdie, young or old, - But feels that love has caught her: - The Eagle wants a little _sun_, - The Daw a little Daw-ter. - - It's no use feigning this and that, - For little Love, ifegs! - Is firm, and makes each lady bird - Confess that "eggs _is_ eggs." - - List to the loves of Lisson-grove, - From robin, lark, and linnet; - While _busses_ from the _Nightingale_ - Are passing ev'ry minute. - - The very _bosom_ of the deep - Seems under love's soft sway; - And flocks of water-fowl are seen - Indulging their fowl play. - - There's rev'rend Rook, and Daw, his clerk, - Sitting with well-stuff'd craws, - Read to lend a helping hand - To forward the good _caws_. - - Each bird a poet now becomes, - And sings some sad refrain: - The Yellow-hammer ev'n has got - His yellow-ham'rous strain. - - Some try to shine in repartee, - Who can't be smart in ditty; - The very Peewit on the heath - Turns all at once peewit-y. - - I know not if the birds have part - In our new marriage laws; - But if they've not, it's clear they ought - To have their special _claws_. - - In faithfulness they beat us far; - For, spite of all their freaks, - You never see the feather'd tribe - Going before their _beaks_. - - So fare-you-well, fair ladies all; - I hope, before next spring, - Throughout the land you'll set the bells - All of a wedding ring. - - MARCH. [1841. - -[Illustration: - - Alderman Armour. -] - - - HAT-ON GARDEN. - -Vell, I'd give a farden to know vy they calls this here Hatton Garden. -I'm sartain sure it must be done in jest; for if every hat aint hoff -instead of hon, I'm blest! Hat on, indeed! vell, sartinly it's vindy; -and here's a pretty shindy. They've rose the flat'lent element at last, -and here it's peppering on, a precious blast! It's nuffin but a reglar -blast of ruin, undoin' every von vith vot it's doin. Vell, blacksmiths -must be most unconscionable fellows, if, such a day as this, they vants -a bellows. I can't even svear; my pals u'd hardly know me: I don't feel -no occasion to say "blow me." Oh! oh! here's a go! The voman's blowing -over; she's a reglar charmer, but so unkimmon fat it can't much harm -her. Vont there be chimbley accidents:—ay! lots. Look, look at Harmer -and Flower's flower-pots; they're a fallin' on that old gentleman's head -as valks below; and vot's vurse, it's too vindy for him to return the -"blow." [They say as Alderman Harmer has left the town off, and he's -made a breeze in the city vith the vind as he vhisk'd his gown off.] -Vell, I'm hoff, so here goes; my eyes, how it blows! That ere image-boy -can't hold his tray; ain't his kings and queens, and dukes, a rattlin -avay. There goes a couple slick; the vind's broke Vellington and little -Vic. Go it, my hearty! that's it, you've shivered Bonyparty; and, -notwithstanding the furious vay in vich it blows and rains, if he ain't -a stopping to pick up Napoleon's remains! Vell, I've heard of "mad as a -March air," and precious mad I find it is, still I can't say as I care: -as long as I get home safe, and there's nobody killed, I sees no great -harm _in_ it; only I hopes that them as vere particularly anxious to -raise the vind, is vell satisfied this very minit! - - 16. Gibbon died, 1794. "De _gusti_bus non est disputandum." - High winds, and no mistake. - -"Will you not take another cup?" said the mistress of the tea-party. -"No," answered the awkward gentleman, who had prematurely risen to -depart; but, upon the word, his foot slipped over the hearth-rug, and he -fell. "In refusing that cup of tea, and tumbling so soon after, you -remind me of 'Gibbon's Roman Empire,'" said the wag of the tea-party. -"Why?" "Because you are a living illustration of the _decline and -fall_." - -[Illustration: - - MARCH—Theatrical fun-dinner -] - - - THEATRICAL FUN DINNER. - - The Bard of Avon summon'd his ghosts - Around his own bright shade, in hosts, - And the characters came to the Poet of Fame, - To hear his mighty say. - "Well, now," he cried, "bright spirits all, - Hither to-day you have my call, - To quit the volume in which you are bound, - And make, together, a holiday round, - And go in a group to the play." - So the principal characters, giving a look - Of delight, jumped out of the Shakspeare book; - Daylight was on the wane. - Out they skipped, ready equipped, - And started for Drury Lane. - In full-ness of his _fat_ led Falstaff, spruce and clean, - (No false staff wanted he whereon to _lean_)— - The van. - Othello, black, beneath his dazzling vest, - Polished with Warren's best, - Look'd just the man - For women fair to love him, - You felt you couldn't take the _shine_ out of him! - Romeo escorted Juliet—pretty lisper, _she_ fed on Romeo's whisper. - Hamlet, the fencing dueller, - (The only modern Hamlet we can boast, - Was born a jeweller; - Just as each uncle that our poets sing - Reigns now a pawnbroker, and not a king); - Hamlet, I say, took up his princely post, - Between his uncle and his father's ghost. - Shylock, the Jew that Shakspeare drew, - Had nobody to _draw_ him now—so _walked_; - Macduff, Macbeth, Iago, and the rest, - Marched all abreast. - The witch alone, dress'd in her riding-hood, - Travelled upon her broomstick, as she should. - Grov'ling below her, in the rear, - Crawled Cali_ban_, - While Clown - Turned somersets eternal up and down, - That he was born, to make it plain appear, - A Somerset man! - On, a few paces, jolly Bardolph goes, - To light the party with his flaming nose. - Now they gain Drury Lane: - There, of course, they need do no more - Than present themselves at the free-list door; - Over the book Jack Falstaff bends, - To write the name of "Shakspeare and Friends." - When, lo! with sighs, and tears in his eyes, - And to everybody's immense surprise, - Mr. Parker cries, - With a look of most discomfiting woe, - "I'm exceedingly sorry to tell you so, - But 'Shakspeare and friends' are now no go; - No go, I say, but to go away. - They are struck entirely off the list; - For the whole concern has taken a twist. - It's the Chamberlain's pleasure, I vow, with pain, - And Shakspeare's diddled at Drury Lane!" - By Falstaff's flabbergastered frown, - You see he now is thoroughly down, - Where he stood before like a swell so nobby, - He's ready to burst with passion and thirst, - And he'd get up a row, and bully 'em now, - But he sees the new police in the lobby. - So, to hide what he feels, he turns on his heels, - And to all his retinue making a sign, - Shouts, "Boys, follow me on the road to dine! - As we are not free at this house of base uns, - We'll march at once to our own Freemason's; - The _Cuff_ that will greet us there, we know, - Is better than this last knock-down blow; - And there—of us every mother's son— - Shakspeare saint, or Shakspeare sinner, - As bonny before we've often done, - On the fat of the land, will feast at a grand - Theatrical Fun - _Dinner_!" - The tavern is open, they've gathered 'em there, - Fat old Falstaff has taken the chair; - He's eating away like an old gormandizer, - Who's been into College and come out a _sizer_. - And Bartley perceives, now he's taken enough in, - That Falstaff himself cannot play without _stuffing_. - Close behind his benevolent face, - And belly and back, as he's taking his whack, - Good Master Clown is making grimace, - And acting toastmaster-in-chief of the place. - Falstaff glows, from his top to his toes, - His great big body keeps warming his clothes, - As he puffs and blows, while his glass overflows, - He is lighting his clay pipe at Bardolph's nose - Drury Lane has dismissed him, alack! - But Falstaff's accustomed to _getting the sack_! - There he sits like a friar or monk, - Till the guests around grow uncommonly drunk; - The witch of the party, with gin they cram her, - In their eager strife for the good of the _dram her_; - But Shakspeare's voice, from bottle and stoup, - Warned all the spirits to go their ways, - And Cruikshank had hardly finished his group, - Ere they'd all got home to their several plays! - -[Illustration: - - APRIL—"I know a bank" Shaks: (A consol-atory refletion) -] - -[Illustration] - -[Sidenote: Dandies ask, How will the weather go?] - -[Illustration: - - A heavy swell. -] - -[Sidenote: Rainbows for - fine beaux, - whether or no!] - - - FISHER'S LAKE SCENERY. - - Among sweet April showers there's no dangler - So persevering as your fervent angler: - Left, by less fond companions, in the lurch, - Upon his lonely boat he'll take his _perch_, - And fish for ever there by _line_ and rule, - His poets must be all of the _Lake_ school, - The only prose writers he'd ever brook, - In social brotherhood, are _Pool_ and _Hook_; - Beat him on land, he thinks the insult odd, - Beat him by water, and he'll kiss _the rod_; - Has he a secret you would know past doubt, - Your only chance with him's to _worm_ it out: - Take him abroad to ride, he'd rather die - Than have a coach, if he could get a _fly_: - He'd like to sit for life upon a raft, - In perpetuity of gentle _craft_! - What if a little hostel, by the stream, - Offer "fish, gratis!" what is that to him? - He'd rather sit, when clouds have hid the sun, - Between the rain and river, catching none. - What are the jolly inmates all about? - Drinking warm brandy, genial ale, or stout:— - And he? Oh! he is _taking cold without_! - -12. Easter Monday. - - "Mayn't _I_ go to the _fair_, ma'am?" Bet inquires; - "Suppose all sorts of evils there beset you:" - "Missis, I aint that sort of girl, you know, - Harmless fair fun is all as I desires:" - "Well, if the weather's fair enough to go, - I think it will be only fair to let you:" - So fair, fair girl, fair day, and fair permission, - With the fare to the fair crown Bet's condition! - -[Illustration: - - Poet's corner. -] - -23. Death of Shakspeare, 1616. - - "Sweet Bard of Avon!"—"Well," says Jack, "how you - Can call him Bard of A-won, goodness knows! - I'm sure as I don't: stop! I think I do; - He stands A 1, at Poet's Lloyd's, I s'pose!" - - - POETIC LICENCE. - - I say, lend me a crown! - I've only three shillings in my pocket: - Well, hand them over, and then you'll owe me two! - - - DIVIDEND DAY AT THE BANK. - - What a crowd! what a crush! - What a row! what a rush! - What screaming, and tearing, and noise,— - Of cabmen and footmen, policemen and bus-men, - And poor little run-over boys! - From Lombard-street, Prince's-street, Broad-street, - King-William-street, - On they come driving full spank: - Old and young, great and small, - Fair and brown, short and tall; - For it's Dividend Day at the Bank. - - Oh! it's Dividend Day! - Oh! it's Dividend Day! - And all sorts of queer incongruities: - Old men and young maids, deaf ears and bright eyes, - Are coming to claim their annuities. - All questions now cease— - Is it war? is it peace? - Who cares! Or for news of the Frank! - For Fleet or Conscription, - Turk, Russ, or Egyptian?— - It's Dividend Day at the Bank. - - "Dear uncle," says Miss, - With a smile and a kiss, - "How rosy you're looking to-day! - Stay! stop! stand you still! - There's a fly on your frill! - Psh! there, now I've brush'd it away. - And here, look, dear nunks, is a beautiful purse: - There, take it—no words—hush—don't thank!" - And another great buss - Accomp'nies the "puss"— - (☞It's Dividend Day at the Bank.) - - The merchant on 'Change - Thinks it looks _rayther_ strange - That his wife should come out all that way— - From Kennington-common— - Such a very fat woman! - And such an "uncommon hot day!" - To meet her "dear duck," - - Her "love" and her "chuck:" - And then she's so hearty and frank, - Prates and chirps like a bird,— - But, of course, not a word - About Dividend Day at the Bank. - - The Minister now, - With pre-occupied brow, - On some "secret service" is gone; - While loyal committee, - From borough or city - Is left in its glory alone. - "Yet he promised to be - Here exactly at three— - Only think! and a man of his rank; - And possessing such zeal - For the national weal!"— - But it's Dividend Day at the Bank. - - Now summer suns glow, - And summer buds blow, - And summer birds gladden each hour; - While soft strains of love - Are heard from above, - And Beauty sits lone in her bow'r: - Sits lone in her bow'r, - And droops like the flow'r - That of rain or of dew hath not drank - To her lover she cries; - But no lover replies!— - It's Dividend Day at the Bank. - - Oh! the poet may sing - Of the beauties of Spring, - In a hymn to the sweet first of May; - The hero attune, - To the eighteenth of June, - His glorious, uproarious lay; - To Saint Valentine's morn - Let lovers forlorn - Write verses, in rhyme or in blank; - I'll carol my lays - To the glory and praise - Of Dividend Day at the Bank. - -[Illustration: - - I wish - - you may - - get it. - - Polish Fate. -] - - - MAY GAMES.—HOGG'S-WAKE. - - The village is out, the village is out, - Peasant and clodhopper, fool and flout; - Fast in the collars the grinners are seen, - And the squeaking grunter is loose on the green: - Halloo him, follow him, frighten him on! - Whip him and skip him, fast bid him be gone! - 'Bout him, and knout him, and give him the flail, - And put plenty of soap on his curly tail! - Thus, in the midst of a beautiful run, - My _tale_ is begun, my _tale_ is begun! - Like a man after lodgings, who's got a first _floor_, - You're down on your belly, you country boor; - And his tail has given your fingers more - Soap than they've seen for a year before; - Good little tail, sleek, greasy, and lean, - Trying the villagers' hands to clean; - And see how they flounder, and see how they fail, - In seeking to hold by the slippery tail! - Thus, while pig and tail the villagers diddle, - My tale's in the middle, my tale's in the middle! - 'Mid laughter, 'mid laughter, ran after! run after! - The tail of the grunter taunts great and small! - Catch it you can't, for it bobs aslant, - Like an eel that's beating the heels of you all! - That pig so sleek, it'll hold for a week - Its present connexion 'twixt Grisi and squall; - Till fairly worn out with its slipping about, - When you catch it, it wont have a _tail_ at all: - So here, at the tail of the sport, my friend, - My tale and the pig's tail are both at an end! - -[Illustration: - - Cotter's Saturday Night. -] - -27. Order of the Bath. 1725. Water witch. - - (Family Tale of a Tub.) - -31. Wit Monday. - -[Illustration: - - Admiral De Witt. -] - - Pray, who is the fellow of infinite fun, - Of whom men declare that his _wit_, like the _sun_, - Shines and sparkles along—that its bright sallies glide - Like a fresh summer river at flow of its _tide_?— - Why, join wit, sun, and tide, and it's perfectly clear - You mean jolly young _Whitsuntide_—Prince of the year! - -[Illustration: - - MAY—Settling for the Derby—Long odds and long faces. -] - - - SETTLING DAY AT "THE CORNER." - - "As I was going to (the) Derby, - All on, &c."—OLD SONG. - - I wish I'd never bet; - I wish I'd never seen a horse or colt; - I wish I'd never join'd that jockeying set - I wish I'd stopped away - From Epsom on the Derby Day— - And all such places! - I wish I'd kept at home, - And never shown my person at a - Hippodrome. - I wish, instead of going like a dolt - To those horse races, - I'd gone to Cowes Regatta! - - We've all our ups and downs, I know, - Both great and small; - But, oh! - Those Epsom Downs are worst of all. - - What could have made me join those gambling jockeys? - (Out-of-door Crockies:) - How could I reckon so without my host? - How could I, cockney born and bred, - So run my head - Against that betting post? - Brought up in staid pursuits - (Not among nasty animals and brutes), - How could I think, to such a blust'ring clan, - My reason and my cash to yield? - I never was a martial man; - How could I "take the field?" - - Why did I, stupid dolt, - Back that confounded, desperate Solace colt, - Or of that mulish Muley make a pet? - No doubt, large sums I thought of soon amassin'; - But what a double ass I was to bet - On that Ass-ass-in! - - The bounds of prudence how hard to regain! - When once a man o'ersteps 'em! - But I have done: Richard's himself again! - Yes, be assured, - I'm now completely cured; - At least, this _shall_ be my last dose of Epsom. - - It was an awful moment—that run-in— - (Especially for those young minors short of tin!) - I own I felt my heart sink then, - And all my thoughts seemed driven into a "Corner:" - And then I thought of North America, and Canton, - And then I turned a scorner - Of men, - And thought of Joseph Manton. - And then the race-course whirled before my eyes; - And then I heard a voice, in words of thunder, - Say, - "Heyday, - Good sir! you seem to have some great surprise." - "Yes, and it's Little Wonder!" - - However, now - That's past, - And I have made a vow - That bet shall be my last. - All wagers now I nauseate and detest - ("Odds" and the rest); - All jockeys hate, - (Welter and feather weight); - All meetings fly - (October and July); - In short, I think all racing sad, - And all its courses bad. - And as for the stupidity of those who go, - The difference, I trow - (If there's a tittle), - 'Twixt Donkey-ster and Ass-cot's mighty little. - - I've burnt my "books;" no horse again I'll back - (Racer or hack): - No more I'll hedge: and by the Grecian gods, - I'll not stand on the long odds. - With tens, and fives, and fours, and threes to one - I've done. I've done with saying "Done, done, done!" - My means no more I'll stake upon a Derby Day: - It's my last lay. - - From this day forth for evermore, - Though I should live to four—or forty score, - I'll never lay another shilling— - If I do I'm a villain— - (Be this the moral of my tale), - Though you should make me the most tempting offer— - Golconda to an empty coffer— - A thousand sterling to a pint of ale— - You shan't prevail. - No matter what the sum - I wont. - * * * * * - Come, - I'll bet you half-a-crown I don't! - -[Illustration: - - JUNE—The unlicensed Victuallers Dinner. -] - - 1841.] JUNE. - -[Illustration] - - - THE OXFORD ARMS. - - DEER SUZAN, - -I set up all Knigt to set down to rite u a bout a horrit deed that has -put all the grate Law yers to work, and has been a drawin Thiers from -the Nayshuns hies. It is a shock King crime, no less than a shoot in at -the Queen. The assassin-hating will-in was quite in low life—nort but a -pot-boy! (not as that is any dis-a-peerage-ment; for I here there is -Potts a arch deecon, and Fill pots a Bishup;) but he did not ware his -best to go before her Mad-jest-i, but own lie his work-a-day close, -which I think was tatterd and torne, for I hurd mast her say he went -there with ragged Side intenshuns. One thing is de-litefull to no, that -the Queen got off as well as the pistoll, witch the will-in tuk. From -the way he prescented the weppon, it is thort he is one of the leveling -classes, though it is won-durd what his aim could be. Sum say he wos -like Sir Wall-ter scots True Bar door, - - "Burn-in with luv—to fire for fame;" - -which I cant see, as that true bar door came "beneath his lades windo;" -but this pot-boy went into the O pen park, and turn'd the Queen quite -pail, a shoot in thru the pail-ings! The Public in dig Nashun nose no -bounds: the Public Houses of the People, with their benches and their -bar, are to Congrat tulerate the Queen on her he scape from the pot-boy. -He was a errand will-in; and as he was tuk in one Park, i understand he -is to be tried by another, wot is as good a Judge as he. His name is -oxford, and a hug lie feller he is, tho no feller, I am tolld, of the -Oxford wot has a call edge on the banks of the Ices, which is a river, -you No, and, I spoze, is all ways froze. They say the grand jury cant -help find in a true Bill aginst him, which reminds me of my own true -Bill, who lives with farm her Constant. Give my luv to him, and all so -kep it for yourself; and so for the present good buy. Yours till deth, - - CARRY LINE. - -[Illustration: - - A Bacon Frier. -] - -11. Bacon died. 1294. - - _A_ con about _Ba_-con. - - "Why is a good cook like a Student of Philosophy?" - Because she has long been accustomed to _fry her bacon_. - - Bacon's a bygone, for him I don't care, - More than girls care for school when they're out of their teens; - Don't call him a bygone—of _Bacon_ I swear, - It's more proper to class him among the _has-beans_. - -19. Queen Victoria's Accession. - - As once our Queen _succeeded_ to the throne, - Setting her people all to merry-makings; - So may she not succeed to that alone, - But eke succeed in all her undertakings! - - - AN UNDERTAKER. - -Pray, sir, what has been your largest undertaking in life? - - Why, I once took ten shillings in the pound on a debt of ten thousand, -and that was the largest undertaking I ever had. - - - THE LICENSED VICTUALLERS' DINNER. - -The dinner of the Licensed Victuallers is better to them than the wisdom -of Solomon, or the ore of lore: it is their feast of literature, for -they consider it in the light of a splendid annual—magnificently bound -in calf for society—with the _cloth_ edition especially reserved for -themselves. It is a pleasure to behold their spread, the chairman -soaring into Epicurean sublimity, like the _spread eagle_, or feasting -like the golden vulture upon quid _vult_. See, they have gathered in the -strength of their conviviality. Every one of them is a landlord, if not -a lord of the land; how they labour at their vocation of cram! Their -festive board has become a board of works; and they are all busy about -the pleasantest half of the trade of _carver_ and gilder. Every man, -like a tailor, is taking his full measure; their whole vision is given -to the pro-vision; and they are now, more than doctors and lawyers, -among the _feed_. Pollok's "Course of Time" is nothing to the course of -victuals now produced. All the creatures that figure on their -sign-boards have been brought up and dressed for the nonce. Rarities are -here, which it must have required a new edition of "Cook's Voyages" to -procure. The _Goose with_ the _Gridiron_, the Magpie _without_ the -_Stump_, the _Swan with two Necks_, and the throttle of some youthful -Boniface acting _Lad-lane_ for the luxury: a joint from the Pig in the -Pound; the Blue Boar done thoroughly brown; the meek Lamb sent saucey -from the Mint; the Dolphin, by off-slicing process, changing its size -and not its dyes; the "Cock" with exquisite stuffing, so that it -emulates a firm of city silversmiths, and becomes "Cock Savoury;" the -Hen and Chickens, quite a gentle brood, roasted for food; "the Salmon," -accustomed to swim, now beginning in consequence to sink; and last, not -least, the Peacock assisting at the spread! Sure here is food for -reflection, and the _great body_ of Licensed Victuallers may rejoice in -the victuals thereof. - -Dinner is now over. The "Queen" is disposed of; the "Royal Family" are -settled; the "Army and Navy" are dispatched. Although it is not an -ordinary, they have gone through the ordinary toasts: the business of -the evening is about to be commenced; the Chairman is on his mettle, and -on his legs. He is a wit and a wittler; a patriot on the side of the -public-houses and the public. Bodily, as well as oratorically, he is a -great speaker, and his eloquence is now let loose. He informs the -company before him of the great importance of the humane and -intoxicating society to which he belongs. He tells them that the -Licensed Victuallers are connected with all that is elevating (spirits -for instance), civilizing, and admirable, in town and country. They are -identified equally with the lush and the literature of the land; for he -is prepared to contend that whatever has been great in literature is -deducible from lush. Every author of eminence has been more or less -inspired from the tap, the bin, the cellar, or the bar. The Edinburgh -Castle has never been a Castle of Indolence; and taverns must be -regarded as the fountains of the mind. Vehement cries of "bravo!" and -"draw it mild!" here interrupt the speaker; but he declares he cannot -draw it any milder, and that it would be stale, flat, and unprofitable -if he did. He would prove his case. The poet who quaffs British brandy -is filled with patriotic spirit, and writes nobly for native land. The -wit confines himself to what is rum. The nautical novelist sticks to -port. Gin inspires the great delineators of human life. What, for -instance, but gin-twist could have brought Oliver Twist to light? He -would repeat—that lush and literature were indissolubly connected, and -that the press and the punch-bowl were one. Yes, the very press was -nothing but a great punch-bowl. Its thunder, devilism, and vituperation, -were the spirit; its bland praises were the sweets; its sarcastic truths -and stings were the blended bitter and acid; its pleasant news was the -aroma from the lemon-peel; its quarrels were the hot water; its sneers -were the cold: it sometimes created a terrible stir; but then punch was -nothing without that; and, finally, the newsmen were the glasses, and -when all was done, the editors were the ladles—he said ladles -emphatically, lest they should be taken for _spoons_—that doled it out -to the eager-swallowing community. (Loud cries of "capital," and -incessant cheering.) All these things incontestably proved that the -kings of the lush were the kings of the literature of the land; and, -therefore, the Licensed Victuallers were at the head of the civilization -of the empire. It was said that "knowledge is power;" very well—then the -public had to thank them and their brewers. They might talk of their -cheap periodicals, but, he would ask, would there be any circulation of -instruction in this kingdom if it was not for the respectable firm of -_Read_ and Co.? Another gentleman was a _Whitbread_—he might say, a -wit-bred and born: but there was no end of illustration; and, if -knowledge was power, it was a brewer's dray-horse power; it passed to -the public through the cellars of the publicans, and all he could say -was, if it came up "_heavy_," it went down light. "He should, -_therefore_, give—Prosperity to the Licensed Victuallers' Institution." - -The toast is drunk with applause—the Chairman shortly after follows its -example, and by two in the morning the company have got under the table -over their wine. - - - DID YOU EVER? - -Did you ever know a sentinel who could tell what building he was keeping -guard over? - -Did you ever know a cabman, or a ticket-porter, with any change about -him? - -Did you ever know a tradesman asking for his account who had not "a bill -to take up on Friday?" - -Did you ever know an omnibus cad who would not engage to set you down -within a few yards of any place within the bills of mortality? - -Did you ever know a turnpike-man who could be roused in less than a -quarter of an hour, when it wanted that much of midnight? - -Did you ever see a pair of family snuffers which had not a broken -spring, a leg deficient, or half-an-inch of the point knocked off? - -Did you ever know a lodging-house landlady who would own to bugs? - -Did you ever know the Boots at an inn call you too early for the morning -coach? - -Did you ever know a dancing-master's daughter who was not to excel -Taglioni? - -Did you ever know a man who did not think he could poke the fire better -than you could? - -Did you ever know a Frenchman admire Waterloo Bridge? - -Did you ever know a housemaid who, on your discovering a fracture in a -valuable China jar, did not tell you it was "done a long time ago?" or -that it was "cracked before?" - -Did you ever know a man who didn't consider _his_ walking-stick a better -walking-stick than your walking-stick? - -Did you ever know a penny-a-liner who was not on intimate terms with -Lytton Bulwer, Capt. Marryat, Sheridan Knowles, Tom Hood, Washington -Irving, and Rigdum Funnidos? - -Did you ever know a hatter who was not prepared to sell you as good a -hat for ten-and-sixpence as the one you've got on at five-and-twenty -shillings? - -Did you ever know a red-haired man who had a very clear notion of where -scarlet began and auburn terminated? - -Did you ever know a beef-eater go to the play in his uniform? - -Did you ever know a subscriber to the Anti-Cruelty-to-Animals Society -who didn't kick the cat? - -Did you ever know a lady with fine eyes wear green spectacles? - -Did you ever know an amateur singer without "a horrid bad cold?" - -Did you ever see a cool fat woman in black in the dog-days? - -Did you ever go to see Jack Sheppard without feeling a propensity to run -home and rob your mother? - -Did you ever know an author who had not been particularly ill-used by -the booksellers? - -Did you ever know fifty killed and fifty wounded by a railroad accident, -without the fifty who were not killed being congratulated by the -directors that they were only wounded? - -Did you ever know a man who did not consider that he added ten years to -his life by reading the "Comic Almanack?" - -[Illustration: - - JULY—Long days and Long ears. -] - - 1841.] JULY. - - - THE USHER OF THE BLACK ROD. - -[Sidenote: Boys - go back - in coaches. - Thrashing - time - approaches. - ♃ ♒ ♈ - Now - School-storms - reign; - ☌ ☊ ⚹ - Begins - again - the - Hurry—cane.] - - The time of holiday is fled from little Master J., - He's going to the school instead of going to the play; - His master is come _home_, his fate 'tis easy to forebode, - And heartily he wishes now the "schoolmaster _abroad_:" - He cannot love him, though he be sweet-temper'd, 'tis in vain, - Un_able_ is the boy to see the sugar in the _cane_! - A chaise is waiting at the door, in which he's doom'd to go, - He knows and feels its very wheels will bear him to his woe; - The thing he rides in he derides, and there, for joy, would dance - If master, chaise, and all, were safe at _Père la Chaise_, in France! - - To force a young and chubby boy to school, away from home, - 'S like taking a young Regulus to Carthage, back from Rome: - Upon his _bed_, more like a _board_, he cries and lies awake, - His _fruit_ is fruitless, and he feels he doesn't _need_ his cake! - His bat is chang'd into a _bawl_, the rod'll never stop, - It's always whipping _bottom_, now, instead of whipping _top_: - Book'd for a flogging, whether book proclaim him dunce, or clever, - Kept from the play_ground_, oftentimes upon no _ground_ whatever: - Penned in from good hard exercise, hard exercise to pen, - And told that slaving present boys is saving future men! - -[Illustration: - - School exercise. -] - -23. Chinese Expedition blockaded Canton. Sailed for Chusan. - -[Illustration: - - Picking and choosing. - - Wooing in black and white. -] - - Our British Bull, whom nothing well can stop, - Directed by Victoria Regina, - Went, right ahead, into a China shop, - And set himself to work a breaking China! - - Be sure he didn't preach or _Cant on_ there: - The expedition he had set his shoes in, - Kept fighting with an expedition rare, - And didn't stop for _picking_ or for _Chusan_! - - The town was well besieged; for Johnny took - Position up too strong to be evaded; - And, like the wood-cuts of this comic book, - _Canton_ was soon most thoroughly _block-aided_! - - - ODE TO THE SEA: - - (WITH INTERRUPTIONS). - - _Written on Margate sands, by Miss Belinda Bucklersbury._ - - Oh! lovely Sea; sweet daughter of the sky! - To thee I pour my soul; on thee I cry: - Oh! let some sister Naïad float this way, - Lend me her wand, then 'mid the waves I'll stray. - - [Here you are, my lady. Bathe you for a shilling. Comfortablest - machine on the beach; and no hextry charge for soap and towels.] - - Oh! for the merry sea-bird's wing, to fly - To where yon sunny cloud floats in the sky, - And seems a fairy palace built of light, - A happy home, where all is gay and bright. - - [Try a donkey, ma'am. He'll carry you as quviet as a lamb, and - nuffink von't tire him.] - - Ocean! how strange, how wondrous strange thy power, - At morning's dawn, or glowing sunset hour! - Ev'n now my heart earth's narrow bounds hath pass'd; - My swelling brain for its cribbed cell's too vast. - - [Take a pair o' sculls, ma'am. I'll row you a mile out and a mile in - for half-a-crown; and there aint a trimmer little craft in all - Margate, than "Moll o' Wapping."] - - All sweet emotions on thy shores abound: - All gentle passions gentler here are found. - 'Twas here first sprang to life bright Beauty's Queen; - Nurtured and cradled on thy billows green. - - [Buy a Wenus's ear, Miss? or a box o' powders to perwent - sea-sickness? Only von and sixpence the lot.] - - Here soothing thoughts come borne on zephyr's wing, - And round the heart, like summer flowers, spring, - Sweet thoughts of love, that all thoughts else control, - And in one mighty passion bind the soul. - - [Here's a prime box o' smuggled cigars, Miss, for your sweet-heart! - or a nice little keg o' rale French brandy, for yourself! Let you - have 'em a bargain.] - - While yet a child, Ocean, I loved to stand - Gazing and list'ning on thy pebbly strand; - And, even now, the song I seem to hear— - The mariner's song, to my young heart so dear. - - [Yoi-hoi!—Yoi-ee-ho!—Yow!—Yoi-ee-hey!—Eiugh?—Yoi-oi!—Oi-yoi!— - Ee-ow-oi-yo hough! &c. &c.] - - Oh! mighty, wondrous world; what fearful forms - Of giant force thou nursest in thy storms! - Here pond'rous whales 'mid crashing icebergs stray; - There vast leviathans with tempests play. - - [Here's your perriwinkles! penny a pint! - Winkle-winkle-winkle-winkle-winkle-man! Fine fresh winkles, only a - penny a pint!] - - Behold, along the beach, these beauteous shells! - In each, I ween, some ocean-spirit dwells: - Pluck we the first. It's pearly depths behold! - What hues of crimson, em'rald, azure, gold! - - [Oh! crikey, Bill; vot a conch that lady's got!] - - Alas! I'm but a hapless child of earth; - I cannot stray where syren songs of mirth - Are heard in coral bowers with pearls bedight; - On me sweet Fortune never smiled so bright! - - [Try your luck, marm, in the Lottery? A musical box, two paper - nautiluses, and a piece of the wreck of the _Royal George_. Only - von shilling a ticket, and only two numbers wacant.] - - Ofttimes at eve, when the pale moon shines clear, - And soft winds sigh, those notes I seem to hear: - Ev'n now, methought I heard the magic strain, - Oh! syren, sing that well-known song again! - - [Nix, my Dolly, pals, fake away— - Ni-ix, my Dolly, pals, fake away.] - - But, oh! a weight oppresses my sad soul; - My spirits sink beneath its dread control. - - [EASE HER!—Ease her!] - - Thy boiling waves my daring footsteps spurn; - To earth again in grief I'm forced to turn. - - [HALF TURN ASTARN!—Half turn astarn! GO ON!—Go on!] - - Farewell! farewell! though I could stay and gaze - On thy bright tide, sweet Sea, for endless days; - But earthly voices call me to the shore, - I must away; fare—fare-thee-well once more! - - (_In a very small voice, half a mile off._) - - [Holloa, marm, you can't get back! you've let the tide come up all - roun you, and if you attempt to stir you're a drownded woman. Stop - where you are, and hold fast by your camp-stool till the man - comes; and he'll bring you ashore wery comfortable on his back for - half-a-crown.] - -[Illustration] - - - A WATER PARTY. - TEA-TOTALLERS IN THEIR CUPS. - -[Sidenote: T - T - T - T - T - T - T - T - T - — - _Tea-Total_ =T=] - - A poet, a tea-totaller, lay losing of his breath, - And rhapsodizing, as it were, within the jaws of death. - Mad scraps of most perverted verse, from Campbell, Scott, or Hemens - And full of spirits, as of song, in his delirium tremens, - He gasped a cup and couplet—both were finished in a minute, - Then died of drinking too much tea, with too much brandy in it. - - A lawyer turned tea-totaller, from drink to get reliefs, - Brief was his vow, and broken soon, perhaps, for want of briefs; - One summer's day, near Temple Bar, with temperance to look big, - He tied its medal to his gown, its riband to his wig - When, all at once, a sudden thirst of his resolve made sport, - The inn he turned into, alas! was not an inn of court: - And that tea-totaller was found in a curious place to find one, - Not bright with wit before a bar, but as drunk as a beast behind one! - - A lady with a ruby nose, and skin all blotched about, - Who suddenly perceived that gin put her complexion out, - Soon took a "water vow," right well determined none should warp it, - And kept it till, one day, she fell for dead upon the carpet! - They took her up, they chafed her hand, they rubbed her temples over; - How was it, then, that lady dear did never more recover? - Why the drunken waterman had turn'd—(some horrid death he merits), - As temperance had made water scarce—her cistern on with spirits! - - It's odd what things befal men of a temperance way of thinking, - Most strange the best tea-totallers should always die of drinking - Soaking the stomach so with tea, as if its coats were fustian, - Yet, somehow, bursting with, at last, spontaneous combustion; - The teapot is the sign from which, most vigorous, too, their sups they - are, - Yet when they meet they're sure to be discover'd in their cups, they - are; - And when their next procession comes, just take a notice cursory, - How many totallers will die of their sober anniversary. - -4. Oyster days begin. Milton's Paradise Lost. 11. Dog days end. - -[Sidenote: Barking - in - Essex.] - - Tom was a martyr—but it was to spirits, wine, and prog; - The name that people called him by was always—Jolly Dog! - He died of surfeit—and his friends, all at a funeral splendid, - Wept tears of pious grief to find his jolly-dog days ended! - -[Illustration: - - Company's Terminus at Houndsditch -] - -[Illustration: - - AUGUST—Idées Napoliennes. -] - - - THE INVASION OF BOULOGNE. - - _From Henry Dobbs, Stoker on Board the City of Edinburgh Steamer, to - Bill Ball, Touter to the Commercial Company in London._ - -"O CRIKY BIL—ven i tuk my Last tender partin off yew down in the cole -ole off the citty off Heddinborow and Himprinted that here kis on the -hafecshonat mouth of yewr sister kate vich she sed she wood nevver wash -off the Blak til it wore away in the riglar Coarse off natur, litel did -i think i shood evver cum to be puld up afore a lot of frensh Beaks and -cald upon to comit Purgatory by swaring my name was mountseer Hornree -Doe insted of plain Harry Dobbs. Arter a deal of bother and giberish, -Gilty or not gilty, ses they. Parly voo fronsy, ses i, at vich the juge -de Pay (so cald i supose becaws yew ar obleegt to Bribe him befour yew -can get anny justiss out off him) busted out a laffin; arter vich the -Porkipine du Raw repeted the kestin, Gilty or not gilty, ses he, Non mi -recordo, ses i, at vich off vent the old juge agen, wors nor evver the -Lord mare and mister obler, tho i ust to Think they vas the Rumist chaps -for Larkin a feler off to the gallass as evver i seed. Thinks i if yew -vonts to cum down uppon me with yewr Burns justiss i shal cum down uppon -yew vith my Cokes. - -"But to Begin at the beginin. at Blakvall ve tuk on board a Grate menny -of the mountseers, most on em cummin down by the Stand-up train—vich -gravesend Dito and Dito Dito hern Bay and margit. Bean my 1st -interduxion in frensh sosiaty i may say i vos tuk ½ a turn astarn at -fust But sune got my steem up and vos awl rite in no time. Vot i most -admires in the frensh carekter is vot devvels they ar to Drink! theyde -got lots off sperrits vith em, and ass i say Ven yewr goin a Long viage -theres nothink like sumthink Short. Afore ve vos fairly out off the -rivver the gemmen vos ½ seas over, and sich Rummy felers for Brandy i -nevver clapt my iis on. Allso hosions of lemmonaid and neguss, and ass -nateraly concludes amung so menny papishes lots of pop-ery. The same of -soder vater and ginger bear, spannish juce vater and O sucree, so that -ass the capten sed instid off bean at Hern bay yew mite have fancied -yewrself at the Cove of Cork. And deer Bil alow me to say in regard of -Drinkin there aint no cumparrison between the O D V and the O Sucree. -The fust is rely a cappital O. - -"Onfortinat the vind began to get up ven ve got into Blew vater, and -sune arter cummin on a gale vas a deth Blow to their merryment, the -grate guns sune clering avay their pokket Pistols. From ramsgit ve run -to Rye, vich yew mite hav told by the Rye faces, and the fowl vether -continnying the mountseers vos awl sicks and sevens. Arter a vile there -vos a bit of a lul, vich yung Bony tuk the hopertunity of the sea -sicknes makin him a litel moor Sober to adres his joly cumpanyons everry -1, vich such ass dared ventur their ankerchers from their mouths Waved -em in the air cryin ip ip huray! in their frensh lingo, and then awl -vent down into the salloon and sune arter cum up agen Togd out ass -genralls and Kernels, vich vos fine Nuts for our felers, and deer Bill -my opinyan is they vood hav tuk franse prisoner Esy anuff only for 1 -thing vich is this, Bean awl Listed ass Comandin ofisirs and no Privets -their vosent nobdy to obay orders ven the vord vos gev to Fire, and next -time they atemts a hinwasion they must take out less Musk and moor -Muskits, and not fancy they can konker a kingdum vith nothink but -sedlits Powder. - -"The 1st land ve made in franse vas Cape Greeny,[4] vich vos werry -appropo. But dident go ashore til ve got to neer Bulloan, ven the chap -ass had got the Live egle in the cage bean too Drunk to make him Go -threw his performenses and me haveing tuk the hopertunaty of Toggin -myself out in 1 off the hoffisirs castoff sutes, jined the xpedishun ass -a Vollunteer, vith the egle atop off my hed and 1 off the Cole saks -under my cote to Bring avay the Lewy nappolions in. Ve then marcht to -Bulloan and jined by several werry Respectabel fish wimmen enterd the -barrax, vere there vos a Rigler shindy betwixt the sham solgers and the -Real vons. Yung Bony shot 1 poor feler, ass he sed for the Meer fun off -the thing and to kepe the game alive, vich deer Bil it seems werry Ard -dont it for a chap vot refusis a Napolion to be put off vith a Pistole. -Ass sune ass wede got kikt out of the barrax Prince lewy gev a Permotion -in honner. 1 chap vos created a Leegun of honner, a nuther a Shivvileer, -a nuther a Gennerrallissimmo and so on, and deer Bill i beleav i vos -created Sumthink, but not bean quite perfict in my frensh ar unable to -say vot i am, so pleas Direct at pressant ass nuthink but Nite off the -egle, and ven i No myself Betor vil drop yew ½ a hounse to inform. - -Footnote 4: - - Query—Cape Grisnez?—_Rig. Fun._ - -"Ve next marcht to the Hi toun vich tawk of frensh Perlitenes they shet -the Dore in our fases; and then Repared to the Grand collum Bilt by the -riginal Bony to comensurate the Grand viktry ass vos to have bean -hobtained by the Grand army ass vos to hav hinvaded ingland. Hear, arter -bilkin the dorekeper out off his 6 pense, the chap vot carred the -standerd mounted up to the top, and me Thinkin that vos the safist place -for the pressant Followd his leder vith the egle, vich as sune as ve -arived at the sumat had a Werry hextensif vew off Prinse lewy a cuttin -his unlukky, folowd by his folowers at Hi pressure spede, and awl makin -for the coast ass if the devvle ad em. In coarse the collum vos sune -surounded and ve vos sumond to cum down. Poor mountseer havein the -frensh union Jak found upon him vos sune tuk up and sent to Prisn. But -deer Bil takin the Hopertunaty off a rigement off the nashonal gards and -a kumpny off the John Dams and a batalyan of the perventif sirvis Rushin -on the poor standerd barer at the Botom of the collum i Let fly the egle -from the Top and takein out the cole sak Blakt myself awl over and -rented my cloas into a meer Stoker, so ass ven they come to xamen me -Found nothink like Proof pozitif, and insted off bean brote in a frensh -Hero shal turn myself out to be nothink but a Halibi. - -"Ass for the Grand army most off em ran into the vater and vos Tuk -prizners by the bathin wimen. Sum got Pepperd by the John Dams and sum -got Salted by the oshun, but deer Bil to conclude i shal nevver jine a -Bony party agen as lungs i breathe, and Prinse lewy will xcuse me sayin -he showd himself a Propper goose for ingagin in sich a war of Propper -gander. - - "yewrs Truly, - "HARRY DOBBS." - -[Illustration: SEPTEMBER—"Massacre of S^t. Bartholomow."] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: - - Escape from Cork Jail. - - New Chaco for P. Albert's Own. -] - - - THE BLACK BOTTLE IMP. - - September, men say, is the season of sport, - They have it at college, they have it at court; - They have it afield, in a manner most pleasant, - By means of the partridge, the hare, and the pheasant; - And I now ask the reason, of saint and of sinner, - Why it shouldn't be had, now and then, after dinner? - - The guests were assembled in uniform dress, - They all meant to get _at_ but not _into a mess_;— - Dinner's over! they are not mere troops of the line, - So the peach and the pine lend a zest to the wine: - Port, sherry, and claret, are small for a swell, - And there's one of them orders a draught of moselle! - - 'Tis brought, but, behold! how the terror is vast, - All the eyes of the chairman are looking aghast! - And his hair's standing up, with a kind of a dread, - On exactly the place where it should stand—his head; - And the officers round him first wink and then nod, - As much as to say, How exceedingly odd! - - Perhaps they may think him absurd or uncivil; - Well a gentleman may be who looks on a devil! - A bandy-shanked, big-bellied, black-bottle imp, - With the legs of a spider, the arms of a shrimp, - And a couple of feet, with remarkable toes, - That keep dancing defiance wherever he goes! - - "He has kicked thro' a peach, he's jumped over a pine, - He'll murder this merry mess-table of mine; - My senses are scatter'd, my feelings are hurt, - I ne'er saw such a devil come in at dessert! - What, ho! turn him out!" the command wasn't heard, - For the officers answer'd him never a word! - - Then he storm'd and he threaten'd, to heighten the sport, - In a manner most martial, to hold a full court; - But the black-bottle devil was not to be done, - He first gave a leap, next a skip, next a run; - And then quietly halting, right under the snout - Of the swell who had summon'd him, _pour'd himself out_! - -10. Quadruple Treaty ratified, 1840. - - - A LAMENT FOR BARTLEMY FAIR. - - BY A SHOWMAN. - - Oh! lawk; oh! dear; oh! crimeny me; what a downright sin and a shame, - To try to put down old Bartlemy Fair! I don't know who's to blame: - Whether it's the west-end nobs, or the city folks—confound 'em! I could - cry with vexation; - But this I will say, if it's the latter, they ain't fit for their - city-wation. - What is to become of all us poor showmen, as has embarked every penny - we've got, - In learned pigs, and crocodiles, and sheep with two heads, and wax - Thurtells, and what not? - It's werry unfair to make us an exception to the general rule of the - nation; - You orts to consider our wested rights, as free-born Britons, and allow - us "a compensation." - When you stopp'd the rich West Indy merchants from dealing in poor - African niggers, - You allowed them twenty millions of money; and, surely, showing a few - hinnocent wax figgers - Aint worse than stealing one's black feller creturs, and carrying 'em - off, and treating 'em worse than swine; - And, let me tell you, a lamb with two tails is much more preferabler - than a cat with nine. - Oh! dear; oh! dear; what is to become of us all, from Mr. Wombwell down - to the penny peeps? - We're wuss off than the poor silenced muffin-men, or the poor - unfortynat forbid-to-go-up-the-chimbly sweeps! - It's fine talking, taking to other businesses; and going out as lackeys - and servants, ifegs! - Who, d'ye think, would take, as lady's maid or nurs'ry governess, poor - Miss Biffin, without either arms or legs? - And what great duchess or countess would like to have walking behind - her, in Regent Street, - With a powder'd head and long cane, poor Thomas Short, the Lincolnshire - dwarf, as measures only three feet? - Or what gentleman in the Park, driving his cab on a Sunday afternoon, - would choose - For his tiger, stuck up behind in top-boots and white gloves, the - Nottingham youth, as stands 7 foot 3 in his shoes? - To say nothing of the indignity of the thing: for how is a man to go to - submit to come down, - From being a Royal Red-Indian Prince, to nothing but a poor - common-day-labouring clown? - And the Siamese twins, oh! Gemini, they might advertise in the _Times_ - for a cent'ry, - Before any merchant would take them into his counting-house, to keep - his books by double entry. - And now Mister Bunn's given up Drury Lane to Mister Musard and his - French and German crew, - What is the dancing elephant, and the performing lion, and the acting - horses and dromedaries to do? - - And the poor Albanians, with their red eyes and long hair so flowing - and white? - By Jove, such news as this is enough to make every inch of it turn grey - in a night. - And the Indian juggler, poor fellow! neat as imported from the coast of - Delhi,— - He may swallow swords and daggers long enough before he's able to fill - his belly! - We've all our ups and downs in this world, it's said—or, at least, used - to be; - But "Marshall Mayor" wont leave so much as a poor single Up-and-down - for we. - And one thing I must take the liberty to say, I don't see why the poor - people's fairs - Should be put down and done away with, while the rich _Fancy_ people - are allowed to keep up theirs; - And as for the morality, it does seem rather funny to shut up Bartlemy - Fair o' Mondays, - While they keep open their genteel wild-beast-show in the Regency Park - o' Sundays, - Our booths are our homes; and we've nowhere to go to when these are - taken, - They must recollect that the Learned Pig ain't a lord, like the Learned - Bacon. - The learned pig may carry himself off to Newgate market—it is but just - over the way, - And the alligator may indulge himself shedding crocodile tears for ever - and a day: - The elephant may pack up his trunk; for Smithfield he must abandon: - And the mare with seven feet may cut her stick, for she hasn't a leg to - stand on: - The wonderful calf with two heads had better pack up his traps and - begone; - For the Lord Mayor hasn't no fellow-feeling only for calves with one. - The pelican had better go and peck his bowsum somewhere else, and not - stop here in such distress, - A-bringing up his four little ones (with a drop of blood a-piece) to be - only pelicans of the wilderness: - The industrious fleas may hop the twig as soon as they like, for one - thing is very clear, - If they ain't off of their own accord, the Lord Mayor will soon _help_ - 'em off with a flea in their ear! - As for myself, I've made up my mind what to do; though, of course, I - can't quite keep down my sensations, - In parting with a hanimal which I have so long looked on almost as one - of my own relations; - But I shall sell my GIGANTIC DURHAM HEIFER (and so put an end to their - noises and rows), - And then—as the next nearest trade—I shall take to Waccination, and go - and live at Cowes! - - OCTOBER. [1841. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: Harper.] - -[Illustration: Bowman.] - -[Illustration: Platt.] - -[Illustration: Cooke.] - - - A PROMENADE CONCERT. - - Harper and Beau-man, and Platt and Cooke, - I bring you into this comical book; - Just as I've seen you blowing so hard, - At your own original Strand Prom'nade! - - Harper, you're no harper at all; - A harper sings as he rattles his strings; - You don't meddle with any such things: - Your strings are your lungs, with their brazen tongues; - If men don't like your play—they may lump it; - But you beat, you know, the world at a _blow_, - And it can't play a _trick_ but you're sure to _trump-it_! - - Beau-man! Bowman! I tell you what, - If you are a bowman I'll be shot, - From a n_arrow_ chest you do not sigh; - No _quiver_ have you, and no big _bull's eye_; - Yet with your long bassoon so deep, - Through _passages_ many you're heard to sweep: - Some of them light, and some of them dark, - And, whatever their measure, you _hit your mark_. - - Platt! Platt! I can't stand that— - To call you Platt is both rude and raw, - Just as if _you_ were a man of _straw_, - Or a twister of _hair_, or a man at a hell, - Playing the part of a _Bonnetter_ well. - No, no; that is no go; - The public never will let it be so: - You are a _navigator_ born, - And all your life will be _rounding Cape Horn_; - Your sails will be full of fair wind to the last, - And there's no one more perfectly _used to the blast_! - - Cooke! Cooke! you comical elf, - _You_ never _dress'd_ anything but yourself; - You are no Cook, sir, although, by your fun, - I've known some few people most _thoroughly done_; - _You_ are "first hautboy," a tried and a true, - And what pleasant hours I _owe, boy_, to you! - -[Illustration: - - Low note. -] - -[Illustration: - - High note. -] - -[Illustration: - - Sharp. -] - -[Illustration: - - Flat. -] - -[Illustration: A flourish of Trumpets.] - -[Illustration: - - OCTOBER—"A _Drive_ in Drury lane." -] - - - LONDON LIONS. - - "_To mister wilyam Waters gardner to squire Brakenhurst, Pipe uppon - trent - staffordsheer._ - - "DEER WILYAM, - -"i now Take up my cast mettle pen & ink to inform yew that i arived safe -in lundun by the Hup train without bean Blowd to attoms, haveing -proffidenshally tuk my plase in a fust clas carige, wich the charges is -for bean Blew to bits in a 2nd class twenty shilin & bean Only yewr arm -broke in the fust clas 30 shilin. Allso their is a 3rd clas lately aded, -wear in adision yew may catch a Bad cold & rewmatisum for life for the -smal charge of 14 shilin. But to return to ariving in lundun, my i! it -is a rare plase. Off its size yew may juge wen i tel yew i have Bean -hear a weak & hav not yet seed awl, But i hav seen a grate menny -wunders—plays & conserts & cosmyrammers & diarammers & call-and-see-ems -& one think or anuther. But i wish i had cum herlier in the seson, ass -threw the fog i hav Mist a gud dele. - -"Ass naturaly xpex i 1st pade my cumplements to Sent Pawl: it is a -Bewtifull bilding—only the lower ½ wich yew carnt sea for the sut & the -hupper ½ wich yew carnt sea for the fog. Leastways such was the case the -day i was their: allso the Same afterwoods at West minster aby, -partickly the poets korner bean quite cuvverd with Rhyme. And appropo i -doant advize strangers to vissit lundun like me by the Gide buke, ass i -found the disadvarntige of taking the lions ass they ar set down, namely -1st goin to Sent Pawls, then to West minster aby, then to sent Marys -witechappel then to sent Looks chelsy & cettera. And the same of uther -xibisions, ass from axual xperiance canot recummend going from the -sologgicle gardns in the regensy park to the sologgicles in the Sorry -side, & then to the diarammer & then to the tems tunnel. - -"But to return to sent Pawls, i went inside & was lost in Asstonishment, -partickly at the smal space ass is aloud for servess, wich deer wilyam, -it is just ass if at Trent hall master was to shut up the Drawing rume, -& the dining rume & the liberary & the sirvents awl & so forth & only -live in the Butlers pantry. After lissenin to the singin for about ¾ of -a nour i axt 2 off the beetles as was crawling about wen theyde begin to -pray, but insted off replying the 2 blak beetles busted their selves out -a laffin & ran off like Devvles coach orses. - -"My next vissit was Doory lane, which is the 1st Inglish theater going—— -for frensh fidlers and Jerman orn bloers. The musick was verry -Bewtifull, partickly the basune, which quite went to my art, & put me in -mind off Deer ome & the grene feelds & meddows & evrythink—it was so -like the cryin of a yung carf that had Lost its muther. Wat aded verry -hi to the Afect off the musik was the yung gentel men & ladys a beatin -time with there walkin stix & umberrellows, wich aded to sum Humming the -hair and uthers a marching about exact to the tune rely shows wat may be -Dun in such a plase ass lundun & ow sirvissable sich things is to -improve the Nashonal taste. Allso the same of dres, wich it cumbines the -hellegancys off a maskerade & fancy bawl, menny of the yung men bean -Drest in the karecters of plowmen with smok froks & cettera, and uthers -like hakny coach men & homynibus cads, and sum Disgized in likker. Allso -it is verry pleesing to sea how atentif the yung men ar to the -percedings, for even if a lady cums in during the performense they woant -so much ass Stir from there seats—for feerd off Disturbing the musik. - -"Next morning i went to take a walk in covven Gardin, but was verry -disapinted, insted off finding it Lade out in gravvel walks & flour -beds, edged with box and twiggy hosiery, was ful of shops & grate lung -gallerys, & insted off at 1 end a Prety litel arber like ware i ust to -sit corting yewr Deer sister mary is nuthink but a Grate church with a -luminated clok & a lot of grave stones lying about. - -"Allso, deer wilyam, i musent forget the briges. they ar realy -Wunderfull & ass for the arches i nevver sea sich Archery in awl my -Days. But Wat yew woodent Like is makeing yew pay tol, just ass if yew -was a hoss or a has, only with this difrance, not alowing yew to cum Bak -the same day without paing afresh, which the 1st time i went over -Waterloo brige i ad quite a Waterloo batel with the man about it, & wat -was wuss for the unperlitenes of the thing, a Bewtifull yung lady cuming -that way, i axualy cort the feller a Tolling the bell. But the most -curus of awl the briges is 1 bilt by mister brunel wich goes Hunder the -warter insted off Hover it, & in lew off entering threw a turnpike gate -as usuel, yew are obleegt to go down a Wel ole, tho for my own part i -Declind the later, ass the old maxum ses Let wel alone. - -"From their i perceded to the blue cote skule, a wunderfull site, wear -underds & underds of litel bys & gels of boath sexxs is tort evrythink -free, & ass befour observd the bys is nown by their Blu cotes & the gels -by their Blu stokkins. Same day went to sea Gys ospital, so cawld on -acount off the yung docters makin sich Gys off them selvs: allso from -there to Sent tommasses, but unfortynat coodent gane admision, not bean -1 off Sent tommases Days. Consequensialy, wishing to have a pepe at the -shiping, i inquired my way to the flete, but insted off Old inglands -wudden wals found nuthink but sum uncomon big Stone wals & on axing a -noo polease wear i cood sea a gud large Ship or 2 was Derected to -Smithfeeld. - -"Anuther day i went to sea the towr, wear is anuff guns and canons to -canonize old Maimit aley & all his raskly egipsions put together. Allso -the mint ust to be hear, but not off late ears, tho they stil presserve -the ax as cut off the hed off Hanna Bullion. - -"Yestoday i vissitted the ile of Dogs and spent the hevening at the -indyan Bow Wow, wich, deer wilyam, a indyan Bow Wow is the same thing -ass a inglish Row de Dow. But to conclude, deer wilyam, in spite of -lundun & awl its wikkidnes i shal be glad to cum down to deer natif -stafordsheer agen, for ass i say, Ome's ome after awl—wen yewr munnys -spent & deer wilyam, giv my Tru luv to yewr sister mary & beg her -exceptence off the inclosd smawl trifl off a steal bodkin wich i wood -have maid it a silver thimbull but unfortynat wayed moor then ½ a ounse, -& deer wilyam, if theirs anythink i can dew for yew in lundun doant say -no, i wood go threw fire and warter to serv yew, but pleas to send the -munny, & rite ass sune ass yew can, not forgeting to pay the post, wich -is ass follos namely for ½ a oz. 1 peece of stikkin plaster, for a hole -2 ditos or 1 Blu un, for 1½ oz. 3 ditos or a Blak & blu, and so on up to -a pound, abuv wich, as a pork pi or a stilton chese or anythink of that -sort, it wood be Beter to send it by the Rale rode or pikfords van. So -no moor from yewr umbel sirvent - - RALPH ROUGHDIAMOND." - -[Illustration: - - NOVEMBER—"_Sees_-unable weather" -] - -[Illustration] - - - ON GOOD TERMS. - -[Illustration: - - Termagants. -] - - - TERM-AGANTS. - - Gather, sweet Lawyers, in Westminster-hall; - There's more game in your bag, than a sportsman e'er shoots: - You _feed_, and you're _fed_, let whatever befal; - And your flowing gowns cover your sins and your _suits_, - Who says that yours isn't a right royal sport, - When it's known that you all make your fortunes at _Court_? - -5. France in a state of spontaneous combustion. - -[Sidenote: Through air as - dark as - dirty muslin, - [Illustration] - Duke of Guys. - The city people - go - a-guzzlin.] - - France is a powder magazine, - A sort of foreign infernal machine— - A barrel of brimstone, of odour ambrosian, - Apparently brewed for a "triple X"-plosion! - - She's been fermenting her beer for years! - She laughs in her frenzy, or revels in _Thiers_— - For war she'll riot, at peace she'll scoff, - And she _wont_ go _on_ till she _does_ go _off_! - - She's quite in a "fifth of November" state, - To blow up some one at any rate; - If Guy Fawkes were over there—my eyes! - She'd make him a Peer—as the Duke of Guys! - - She'd have her Monarch in air be blown; - Not one of the throne, but the overthrown! - And when he was shivered to atoms, she'd wait - To pick up his bits to bury in state! - - She'd shoot at him till he was quite unnerved, - And then address him on being _preserved_. - But a King—to say it I do not stickle— - In such a _preserve_ must be always in _pickle_! - - I wouldn't be Louis-Philippe, I say, - If I had a thousand Louis a-day. - To be King in a land of such whimsical slaugh - 'S like being a Monarch inside of a mortar! - -21. Princess Royal born, 1840. - - - CRADLE HER (NOT HYMN). - -[Illustration: - - Lords in waiting. -] - - As you're born in a _palace_, - It's clear you must not - Be permitted, young baby, - To sleep in a _cot_: - So they've stirred up their wits, - With invention's pap-ladle, - And determined to give you - A _Nautilus_ cradle; - Most loyally certain, - Whate'er it may do, - It will ne'er make a _naughty lass_, - Baby, of you! - - - A LONDON FOG. - -Now, the sun, after a vain attempt to catch a glimpse of St. Paul's, or -the Monument, gives it up in despair; while his morning herald, Lucifer, -finds the fog more than a Lucifer match for him, and goes out like a -damp Jones-and-Co. of a windy night. Now, the sleepy housemaid is in a -fine trepidation, on discovering that her missis _was_ right in giving -her seven-o'clock ring an hour ago; she (the maid) having just counted -eight in full, on the kitchen clock. Now, hook noses and cries of "clo" -are more rife than ever; and, somehow or other, silver spoons and forks -disappear more frequently from the "domestic hearth." Now, the poor -behind-hand city clerk, who _must_ be at his desk, in Lombard-street, by -nine (it is now half-past eight by _Lambeth Palace clock_), determines -to sacrifice fourpence on the Iron-boat Company; and, having passed an -agonizing ten minutes in the cold, sloppy cabin, is at last annihilated -by the steward's informing him that, in consequence of the denseness of -the fog, the captain has determined not to run the boat this morning. -Now, invisible cabmen drive unseen horses along viewless thoroughfares, -and omnibusses go, flitting like so many Flying Dutchmen, through the -mist and fog. Now, the two young gentlemen who have a coffee-and-pistol -appointment at Chalk Farm, find it anything but agreeable to be set up -only three yards asunder, instead of having the length of Primrose Hill -between them, so as to have had a reasonable chance of _missing_ one -another. Now, a walk in the neighbourhood of Smithfield is by no means -improved in its desirableness; it was bad enough before, but nothing to -what it is under the "Bull's new system." Now, young Government clerks, -who have to trudge "from the west," as they call it (namely— -Marylebone-lane, "Chesterfield-street, Portland-place," and so forth), -are highly indignant, and more than usually vituperative of the -superiors of their departments, whom they commonly describe -(particularly if of a political turn) as vile sinecurists, "grinding the -last drop of blood from the brows of a suffering people, to pay for -their own pleasures, and to minister to their own inordinate desires!" -Now, nursemaids _not_ "accustomed to the care of children" (in a fog), -suddenly find their tender charges minus divers coral necklaces, ostrich -feathers, gold lockets, &c. &c.; while the interesting young lady who -leads dear little Fido about the parks, in a string, and reads Lord -Byron the while, is horrified on finding that, for the last half hour, -she has been engaged in dragging after her a mere remnant of blue -ribbon. Now, omnibus cads only shake their heads in reply to your most -earnest appeals and uplifted fingers, for their vehicles are _all_ full, -and can take in "no more." Now, "blacks" come down in torrents; and -coal-heavers and chimney-sweepers are the only persons that can show a -decent face on the occasion. Now, wood pavements are in nice condition; -particularly that in the pleasing bend by St. Giles's church; where - - "They slip now who never slipped before; - And they who always slipped now slip the more." - -Now, housemaids do their work in no time; for it's of no use looking out -for raps from chamber windows. Now, on the 5th, little boys exhibit -their Guys in all parts of the town; and, on the 9th, "children of a -larger growth" _make Guys of themselves_ all the way from Guildhall to -Westminster and back. Now, everybody has got a shawl, comforter, boa, or -bandana, round his or her neck—except the philosophers, who appear in -respirators; the result of which is, that the shawl, comforter, boa, and -bandana-ites, escape scott free, while the philosophers catch most -confounded bad colds and sore throats. Now, unhappy is that mamma who -has a juvenile party for an excursion to the Monument; for, of course, -they'll all twelve cry their twenty-four little eyes out—equally if they -go and can't see anything, or are kept at home because nothing is to be -seen. Now, on the river is confusion worse confounded, and smuggling is -going on most prosperously in all its branches. Now, the "old -traveller," just arrived by the Antwerp packet, who _will_ carry his own -portmanteau and great coat, finds, on stopping to change arms, at the -nearest post, that one or other of the commodities has disappeared while -he was comfortably adjusting its fellow. Now, telegraph captains and -weathercocks have a nice easy time of it, and the guide to the York -column is gone to see his cousins in the country. Now, men with wooden -legs look very independent, as they stump over the slushy pavement; and -people who have the misfortune to possess complete sets, are sadly -perplexed at the crossings of the Royal Exchange, Charing Cross, and the -Regent's Circus. Now, hare skins and worsted comforters are hung out -prominently at the haberdashers' shops, and furs, "at _this_ season," -are, by no means, "selling at reduced prices." Now, the man "wot lights -the lamps" in St. James's Park, is in a regular state of bewilderment, -and not unfrequently is found running up one of the saplings instead of -the lamp-post. Now, the young gentleman who has an assignation in the -"grove at the end of the vale," begins to wish he hadn't been quite so -urgent in the matter, and would give his ears for a decent excuse to be -off the bargain. Now, honest John Sloman, the grocer, at the corner of -Cannon-street, in consideration of the werry orrid state of the weather, -is inveigled by his wife and daughter to visit one of the promenade -concerts; to which end, having never been at a _promenade_ concert -before, honest John provides himself with a stout cane and his easy -walking boots, warranted to do four miles an hour over any turnpike-road -in the kingdom. Now, clubs are crammed, particularly the Oriental, where -enormous fires are kept up, and the chilly old nabobs cling round one -another like bats in a cellar. Now, as the plot (alias the fog) -thickens, torches make their appearance; first by dozens, then by dozens -of dozens, then by dozens of dozens of dozens: Charing-cross is as -difficult to navigate as the North-west passage, and the parks are -impossible; hackney coaches drive up against church windows; old men -tumble down cellar holes: old women and children stand crying up against -lamp-posts, lost within a street of their own homes; omnibus horses dash -against one another, and are handed over to the knacker; a gentleman, -having three ladies and a young family of children to escort home from -Astley's (on foot, of course), is in a nice predicament; all the little -boys in London are out, increasing, by their screams and halloos, the -bewilderment of the scene (_scene_, did I say?); pickpockets are on the -alert; ditto, burglars; policemen are not to be found; watchmen are -missing; in short, the whole town is in such a state of commotion and -panic, that it only requires a well-organized banditti to carry off all -London into the next county. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: - - De Porkey's Tresor. -] - -[Illustration: - - Shortest Day. - - So dark, I can't see my hand. -] - -[Illustration: - - Bosom Friends. -] - - - A STIRRING TIME. - -Puddings, as well as people, begin to go to _pot_; cooks, as well as -drunkards, get their _coppers hot_. Lemons excel hypocrites in getting -_candid_: currants, from house to house, like crooked legs, are -_bandied_. At moist sugar, instead of white, the busy servants jump; and -wisely begin to _like_ that which they cannot _lump_. Mothers who beat -their children, whenever the whim comes in their head, now actively -betake themselves to _beating eggs_ instead. The family assemble, but -it's no longer "my lovely Rose," or my sweet William, with his pretty -stock, the _flour_ of the Christmas pudding is now the _flower of the -flock_! Father, the only one who never would to their low obscurity -demur, is now just as anxious as any to join in a _general stir_. -Ambition, alive in his breast, awakens a mighty surprise, to think that -he, who was always _mincing matters_, should begin to _mince pies_! and -they prophesy, as he rakes the _plums_, in the bowl of China or delf, -that he'll live to a Christmas-day that shall see him worth a _plum_ -himself. "How fond he is on 'em all," says nurse, meaning to be clever; -"I declare he's a _mixing with his family_ more than ever!" "Yes, -nurse," responds his spouse, who thought she could do no less, "your -master's acting the part of president of the _family mess_!" and so on— -nothing whatever their placid temper a-spoiling, until the pudding's -made, and tied up, and shut down, and in the copper a-boiling! - -[Illustration: - - Clock after Sun. -] - -21. St. Thomas, the shortest day. - - He who is short of tin, with rent to pay, - 'S a great deal shorter than the shortest day; - Rent is heart-rending, when it's over due, - Four quarters, and no quarter but to sue: - You strain your nerves for cash, with great and small, - Only to be distrained on after all; - And meet, when in the worst of mortal messes, - A fresh distress to crown your old distresses! - -[Illustration] - -25. Christmas Bills:— - - Alarming accounts for China. - A British Settlement. - -[Illustration: - - DECEMBER—"A Swallow at Christmas" (Rara avis in terris) -] - - - CHRISTMAS COMES BUT ONCE A YEAR. - - Christmas comes but once a year; - By Jove! it hadn't need come more, - Unless it wants to ruin me - Outright, and turn me out of door! - That horrid fit of gout, brought on - By neighbour Guzzle's Christmas cheer - I thought it would have kill'd me quite; - But Christmas comes but once a year. - - I very seldom touch a card, - For gambling's not at all my sphere; - I wish I hadn't played last night! - But Christmas comes but once a year. - In drinking, I'm most moderate: - Oh! my poor head: oh, dear! oh, dear! - Why did I taste that nasty punch? - But Christmas comes but once a year. - - I do not often play the fool, - And join in romps with younger folks; - But where's the stoic can resist - When pretty lips so sweetly coax? - "Come, nunks, one game at Blindman's-buff; - There, turn round roast beef—never fear!" - A nice lumbago I have got; - But Christmas comes but once a year. - - I'm rather fond of gardening, - And curious plants delight to rear: - The best, my mistletoe, is gone; - But Christmas comes but once a year. - The tree that on my natal day - Was planted by my father dear— - The holly-tree—is stripped quite bare; - But Christmas comes but once a year. - - My kinsfolks—cousins, nephews, aunts, - All come to dine on Christmas day; - It's been the custom many years - (Which Heaven forbid should fall away): - But scarcely had they all arrived, - When down the snow came, dull and drear— - So deep, not one can get away; - But Christmas comes but once a year. - - Of course it's very nice indeed - To have one's kindred thus around; - And hear one's old paternal walls - With song, and dance, and mirth resound. - But, then, they've taken all the beds: - And lying on two chairs, oh! dear; - Up in a garret—where there's rats— - But Christmas comes but once a year. - - The London gentlemen I met - At Drury-lane, when last in town, - Have writt'n to say, if all goes right, - By this day's train they're coming down. - I know I was a _leetle_ sprung - That night, and by their note it's clear, - I've asked them _all five_ to my house: - But Christmas comes but once a year. - - My wife, in honour of the time, - Would have a friendly Christmas ball; - They've danced a hole right through the floor, - And ruined quite the party wall. - And daughter Ann has fall'n in love - With some poor dev'l, not worth, I hear - Enough to pay the parson's fee; - But Christmas comes but once a year. - - The servants, too, must have their rout - (I love to see them gay and glad); - But then they needn't all have got - So _very_ drunk—and very mad; - And give one warning "then and there," - And bid me "take my beef and beer;" - And beg I'd "pay their wages up:"— - But Christmas comes but once a year. - - The Christmas bills are pouring in, - My family's increasing fast; - Four girls, five boys—Ann, Kate, Jane, Sue, - Tom, Dick, Jack, Fred, and Prendergast: - And nurse has just come in to say, - Another "little stranger" dear - Is just arrived—there, that makes ten:— - But Christmas comes but once a year. - - - BOTHERUM ASTROLOGICUM PRO ANNO 1841. - -[Illustration] - -Note now, oh! reader, the denotements of my prophet sketch: open your -eyes upon the symbols which I symbolize. Behold the Cross and the -Crescent in neighbourly collision; yet the Crescent is not Burton -Crescent, nor the Cross, King's Cross, though these localities -approximate in as close degrees: but they tell of Europe cooking the -Goose of a Pacha for the Turkey of a Sultan; and, by this time, the bird -is plucked and basted, and may be considered as thoroughly done. -Witness, too, how the dismayed tee-totaller gazes on the wreck of the -Chinese world below. But Bull is in the heart of the shop; no juggler -could save the jugs; every cup is a cup too low; the plates are dished -entirely, and the case of cruelty is equal in atrocity to the murder of -_Ware_. Now is exemplified the difference between a Man-_da_rin and a -daring man. It is breaking-up time, but no holidays. Loud is the music -of _Handle_ among the crockery, but its verbal oratory is demolished by -the entire annihilation of spout. It is going to _pot_ with a vengeance, -and occasions, in China, the perfect distortion of _every human mug_. -Tea, however, is scarce for a season. They refuse to give us their green -for our gunpowder: they mix their mixed with poison, and it is now "How -queer!" instead of "How-_qua_!" They refuse the bidding of Pidding! But -turn from hieroglyphic revealments to the signs and prognostics of the -domestic world. Is your curiosity moved to interest in the play of -Destiny? I then will act the part of _Tell_. Upon the palace of Victoria -I behold the shining of a new _sun_; the hopes of royalty may now be -_boy_-ed up, and a fair young passenger lately arrived by the first -royal _train_ will move to another _station_, and take a place lower, by -reason of what has taken place. I see the world settling, like cards, -into _pax_. Peace coming a-_pace-is_: war we shall pose with repose. The -political horizon shows clear. There will be an improvement in the -State; and notwithstanding the recent explosion of Dr. Church's engine, -I foresee no danger to Church. On the contrary, the sun will shine on -Parson's Green; and, as regards the revenue, there is every chance for a -_surplice_; probably owing to the New Church rate at which the said -engine is going. - -[Illustration: - - DR. CHURCH'S ENGINE. -] - - - LATEST NEWS FROM COURT. - -Nov. 21st, 1840.—Princess Royal brought in, and "ordered to be laid on -the table," like a _bill_. - -Dec. 3rd.—Bill Jones found under the table, and ordered to be sent to -the _Counter_ like a _willain_. ("_So much for Buckingham!_") - - A little girl, a stranger in the palace - Came, and the nation there was nothing sad in; - Aladdin's lamp then brightened joy's full chalice, - How very different when they found _a lad in_! - The little boy's intrusion proved annoyant, - The little girl made all a little buoyant? - - - ORIGINAL NOTES. - FROM THE - BIRMINGHAM MUSICAL FESTIVAL FOR 1840. - -SEPT. 23.—Birmingham Musical Festival.—Ordered a cab; made for -Euston-square Station; landed awkwardly; got into port; ran against a -man; trod on his toe; gave my own port-man-teau to the porter. Paid my -fare; had the satisfaction of hearing the clerk say, "That's the -ticket!" Was told I must be sure to shew it when called upon; said, -"Very well;" always did like to have something to shew for my money. -Travelled briskly; steam engine a giant apparatus—a sort of Colossus of -Roads; found they'd got me into a line; couldn't help it; obliged to go; -been a long while going. Arrived at last; put up at the Hen and -Chickens; thought, from the sign of the house, charges might be fowl; -agreeably surprised to find them fair. - -_Monday._—Attended rehearsal. Splendid hall; grand interior; glorious -outside; ruined the builders. Brought the stone from the Isle of -Anglesea; sent the architects to the Isle of Dogs. Good rehearsal; noble -orchestra; organ finely developed. Knynett acted non-conductor; stamped -as if he was paying stamp duty; very droll; took the flats in, put the -orchestra out. Glorious array of singers: Miss Birch stuck to her perch; -Miss Hawes obeyed the laws; Dorus Gras—made no _faux pas_; Braham's -throat gave tenor note; Phillips shone in barritone; big Lablache gave -bass _sans tache_; Cramer led with cap on head; Loder and Cooke played -by book; Dragonetti and Linley worked very well-o, on deep contra basso -and violoncello; bassoon of Beauman bothered _no_ man; horn of Platt -came in pat; Harper's trumpet obligato, capitally took its part-o; Cook -played show-boy with his hautboy; and, to end without a blunder, Chipp's -drum had, its leather under, half a ton of smothered thunder. Heard 'em -play; remembered the railroad, and couldn't help thinking that I'd got -off the _line_ into the _chords_. - -_Tuesday._—Festival began. Shop full; a crammer for Cramer. You've heard -of the Chiltern Hundreds, they're nothing to the Birmingham thousands. -The seats were all uniform, but no uniform for the _staff_ officers, -only ribbons in their button-holes; beaux with bows. Singers came on, -and performance went off admirably. - -_Wednesday._—Town crowded; weather wet, but the people pouring in faster -than the rain; music hall made fine shelter; full again; Mendelsohn's -hymn of praise produced lots of praise of him; people delighted; -performance stupendous; singers tired; Phillips almost knocked up; went -out to refresh himself; strolled too far, and was quite knocked down; -robbed of his purse by three brutal button-makers; he treated them to -some sovereigns; they treated him to an extra allowance of punch; he was -bruised considerably, but his watch and his barritone escaped without -injury; heard a _tallow_ chandler say, that Phillips and Mendelsohn were -the heroes of the day, but that Mendelsohn had the glory of the -_composition_, and Phillips of the _whacks_! - -_Thursday._—Influx of nobility—nobs and bobs—Sir Robert Peel among the -latter. - -_Friday._—Festival over; grand fancy ball at night: - -Drinking, dancing, all revel, no rest; proggery, toggery, all of the -best; whisking, frisking, whirling about, till daylight comes, driving -the candle-light out: then tired, not fired, their pillows they clinch, -and the festival's come to its very last pinch. - - - MANNERS MAKE THE MAN. - - Know ye the wight one frequent meets, - With brazen lungs around the streets - Soliciting a job? - His head in shovel-hat encased, - His legs in cotton hose embraced, - And nick-named "Dusty Bob?" - - You hold in small account, no doubt, - One who "dust, oh!" doth bawl about, - Yet low as his estate, - Some philosophic thoughts belong - To him whose time is passed among - The ashes of the _grate_. - - Still, these are matters all apart - From thy design, my muse, who art - Just now intent to tell - An episode of humble life, - That was with courtly manners rife, - And thus the chance befell. - - "The rosy morn, with blushes spread, - Now rose from out Tithonus' bed," - Which means, the world had set - (For these are unromantic days) - About its work, and gone its ways, - Forthwith to toil and sweat. - - Among the many that arise, - To pay their morning sacrifice, - That is, to Juggernaut, - Themselves beneath Aurora's car, - With Pagan zeal your dustman are - Beyond all others fraught. - - In sooth, to speak, we would not choose - To state these fellows _ever_ snooze, - For bitter as the bore is, - Nor night, nor morn, in square or street, - Can one go forth, but he must meet, - These grim "_memento moris_." - - But to my tale: at break of day, - Up rose the hero of my lay, - With hope his spirits buoy'd; - And ever as he fill'd his cart, - He felt a space beneath his heart - Establishing a void. - - Loud and more loud the murmurs rise, - Like an Æolian harp, whose sighs - At first breathe gently; but - Wild music from its bosom springs, - When the wind howls among the strings, - And agitates the gut. - - Though Bob knew nought of Æolus, - He learnt, from this internal fuss, - 'Twas time for breakfast now: - Or, as he said, "for bit and sup, - His innards was a kicking up - Sich a unkimmon row." - - 'Twas thus intent on _déjeûner_, - Our hungry dustman took his way, - In search of fitting food: - Nor long his quest, until he came, - Where a spruce, gay, and buxom dame, - Behind a counter stood. - - And, as with horny fist he smoothed his hair, - He thus bespoke that lady debonaire: - "Cut us a slap-up slice of Cheshire cheese, - And tip's a twopenny burster, if you please." - Here, 'tis befitting to relate the guise, - In which Bob met the gentle lady's eyes. - A poll with matted carrots thatched, - A face with mud and smut bepatched, - A neck and chest scarce half begirt - With a lugubrious, yellow shirt, - A slip of waistcoat here and there, - Breeches, a demi-semi pair, - And not a vestige of a coat— - Such was our earthy _sans culotte_. - - When such an apparition met her view, - What was most natural the dame should do? - Straightway address her dainty self, - To seek the treasures of her shelf? - Or clap some musty, antiquated crust, - Between the fingers of the man of dust? - - The latter, doubtless, and it so fell out; - Turning, with ill-dissembled scorn, about, - The lady-baker hardly deigned to drop - Into his palm the patriarch of the shop; - A venerable roll, a fixture there— - A household nest-egg of the _boulangère_. - - Here, a domestic mouse had, long ago - (Soon after it was dough), - Wreathed him, as Thomas Moore would say, "his bower" - Among the _flower_: - And happened, accidentally, to be - _Chez lui_, - When madame put the piece of antique bread - Into our dustman's hand, as hath been said. - - Now, let me ask, had Chesterfield been placed, - What time his chyle with exercise was braced. - To make his meal from off a living mess, - D'ye think my Lord had kept his _politesse_? - Or acted, as did Bob, the man of dirt, - Who, on the instant that he did insert - His thumb and finger in that roll so stale, - Pull'd out the squeaking vermin by the tail; - And seeing that the bak'ress looked aghast - Upon the means she gave to break his fast— - Blandly observed, "There's some mistake in this, - I didn't ax you for a sandwich, Miss!" - -[Illustration] - - - BRANDY AND SALT. - -The wonderful cures effected by these ingredients have made such a noise -in the world, that we cannot resist the temptation to publish a few -facts and testimonies which have fallen under our immediate knowledge. - -The first case was that of a poor man, who had been for years a martyr -to the gout, and being desirous of trying the effects of the miraculous -compound, but unable to purchase the ingredients, he tried another plan, -and perfectly succeeded in removing every symptom of inflammation, by -merely sitting a quarter of an hour with one foot in a brandy-keg, and -the other in a salt-box. - - - THE FOLLOWING IS FROM A CORRESPONDENT. - -"Dear Sir,—May I beg your insertion of the following?—I was terribly -afflicted with cancer, heartburn, chilblains, thickness of breathing, -warts, headach, numbness of the joints, deafness, sore throat, lumbago, -toothach, loss of appetite, falling off of the hair, corns, &c. &c., -when I was recommended to try the newly-discovered panacea; and, I am -happy to say, after two bottles of the stuff, I am perfectly recovered. -You are at liberty to make what use you think proper of this letter. - - "Yours most obediently, - - "F. FLAM. - -"N.B.—None but the best French brandy will do, some very fine samples of -which are on hand at my Warehouse, No. 99¾, Gammon Street, Hoaxton." - - - FROM ANOTHER CORRESPONDENT. - -"sur—i Take the libberty of adressing yew about the brandy & sawlt. i -was aflicted with dredfull lownes of sperits & rewmatism wich having -freely aplide the abuv has boath Disapeard. sir my way of Aplying is the -sawlt outside wonst a day & the brandy in twice evvery our. its effex is -sumtims realy Asstonishing. my wife allso takes the abuv Meddisin in her -tea, & finds grate bennifits. - - "sir yewr Most obediant - "TUMMMAS SPOONEY. - -"P.S.—sir a neyber of min Tride the abuv on his wife bean Bad skalded -kiling a pig but Unlukky forgot to Put in the sawlt. owevver it was awl -Verry wel, for the brandy aloan Cured his wife & now he's got the Sawlt -to Cure his bakun." - - - ASSOCIATION OF BRITISH ILLUMINATI. - - [_The following Extracts from the Proceedings of this illustrious - Body, at the Meeting of 1840, will be read, no doubt, with the - interest they deserve._] - -Some very curious statistical and general reports were made by Mr. -Colley Wobble, on the street refreshments of London. It appeared that -the proportion of baked potatoe receptacles, or, as they were commonly -termed, "hot tator cans," over kidney-pudding stalls, was as six to one. -Of these cans one in seven was surmounted with lamps; one in three had a -spare valve, to let off steam; and five out of nine used condensed -Dorset scrapings, averaging about fourpence per pound. The -kidney-pudding stalls appeared to confine their stations to the -neighbourhoods of the minor theatres, and he could trace the effect of -their nourishing principle in those thrilling and passionate outbursts, -which melodramatic actors threw into such phrases as—"It _is_ my -daughter!" "Begone, sir! and learn not to insult virtuous poverty;" and -the like class. Some of the stalls were embellished with singularly -curious transparent lanterns, representing theatrical subjects on their -four sides. - -Mr. Bobbledabs inquired what species of light was burnt inside these -transparencies? - -Mr. Colley Wobble defined it as produced by the combustion of -atmospheric air, acting on a half-consumed continuity of a twopenny -thick, set in argillaceous candlesticks. He was led to make these -observations from having perceived a hole burnt in the lantern, where -the candle had tumbled over. The learned gentleman added, in -continuation, that one of the most favourite exhibitions was "Kerim and -Sanballat fighting for a kidney-pudding, from Timour the Tartar." He had -likewise observed William Tell shooting a kidney-pudding from Albert's -head, and Mr. Stickney riding five kidney-puddings at once for a horse— -he meant to say—that is—the Association would know what he meant. - -Mr. Snuffantupenny inquired if these piquant preparations were -expensive? - -Mr. Colley Wobble estimated the general price at one penny each. When -purchased, the vendor made a hole in them with the nail of his little -finger, and poured in some warm compound, out of a blacking-bottle, with -a quill in the cork. The liquid had been analyzed by Mr. Faraway, and -was found to contain one part fat, one part furniture oil, two parts -infusion of melt, and sixteen parts of hot water, with dirt in solution. - -Mr. Gambado then read a talented paper on "The imaginary barrier -precluding pickled whelks from the tables of the aristocracy;" and -having finished, he begged to propose a Committee of Inquiry—why boiled -crabs were sold at three a penny in Union Street, Middlesex Hospital, -when you might purchase four, for the same sum, on Kennington Common? - -Mr. Bobbledabs trusted his talented friend would remember that -Kennington Common was nearer the sea-coast than Union Street. - -Mr. Gambado sat corrected. While they were on the subject, however, he -wished to say a few words on the connexion supposed to exist between the -anatomical school of the said hospital—that was to say, the Middlesex— -and the number of shops for the sale of old bones and doctors' phials, -with which Union Street abounded; and why so many dissecting cases were -to be seen in the window of the pop-shop at the corner. - -Dr. Corfe thought the reason was obvious. The scalpels hybernated with -the watches towards the end of November, and the students were thus, -unavoidably driven to use penknives for lancets, and the small ends of -tobacco-pipes for probes and blowpipes. - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1842. - - - BEFORE DINNER, AND AFTER. - - Guests were assembled—formal, prim, and staid— - The conversation did not yet come pat in; - The bachelor found speeches _ready made_, - The _ready maid_ looked twice as hard as Latin; - The lord was stiff—the lady half afraid - To spoil her _silk_ dress with the chair she _sat in_! - - A dreadful dull demureness fill'd the place; - _Room-attics_ might be caught on that _first-floor_; - No _racy_ word from all the human _race_ - There gathered—nothing to create a roar— - Weather and poetry their themes of grace— - They talked of snow, and _Byron_,—nothing _Moore_. - - There broke no pun upon the startled ear— - Nothing the soul of etiquette to smother; - None were at home, but each on each did leer, - As who should say, "You're out," and "Does your mother?" - Their words were _dry_, and yet they did appear - To _throw cold water upon one another_! - - They stood, or sat, like lumps of social stone, - Their _wheel_ of life went round, yet _no one spoke_; - Or, if they did, _not speeches from the thrown_ - From horse or gig, were more devoid of joke; - The _little_ fire that, in the _grate_ had grown - Dim, had a longing for a stir, or poke. - - The _hes_ were stupid, and, it might be said, - The _shes_ were as un_easy_ as the _hes_: - It was all _heavy_ there, and nothing _led_ - To anything, but minding Q's and P's; - While every heart was absent, every head - Ran upon "soup, fish, flesh, fowl, tart, and cheese." - - Nothing was _on the carpet_, when there came - This bright announcement:—"_Dinner on the table!_" - Then wagg'd the tongues, which soon began to frame - A young confusion, like to bees, or Babel, - And each face wore a smile, that quite became, - Just as a doctor's bottle wears a label. - -[Illustration: - - Before dinner and after. -] - - Dinner pass'd over—they were quite genteel; - The wine went very fast and freely round; - None vulgarly, that day, took _malt_ with _meal_, - But still in _the best spirits_ all were found; - As they sat at the table, they did feel - As if their _soles_ would never touch the ground. - - The _cloth_ was _cut_, and the dessert was spread, - Fresh bottles crown'd the hospitable board, - Their jolly cheeks grew fast from _white_ to _red;_ - So pass'd the wine—their bark of life was _moor'd_ - Quite safe in _port_, while head did nod to head - Familiar as the scabbard to the sword. - - Now grew the conversation fast to fruit, - The fruit had grown already very fine; - The _wine_ produced no _whining_, and, to boot; - No epicure repined about the _pine_; - But Love did all around his _arrows_ shoot, - Lanced from his _beaux_ against the ladies fine. - - Each Miss's joke now made a pleasant hit, - No lover's _sally_ could be deem'd _a miss_; - Less stately, too, the dowagers did sit— - They let their feelings loose on that and this; - Their tongues, in fact, were _bridled_ not a _bit_— - The prude would have said "thank ye" for a kiss. - - The guests gave out a host of best good things, - By way of compliment to their good host; - Brim full of eloquence, a friend upsprings, - And hopes that he will always rule the roast - The praises of the _belles_ another _rings_, - And turns, at once, "the Ladies" to a toast. - - So freedom reigns; whereby it seemeth clear - That people grow most cordial after dinner; - Till then, the dearest woman seems less dear, - The thinnest gentleman's thin wit grows thinner; - The cheerful will be cheerless, without cheer— - You must have meat and drink, as you're a sinner! - -[Illustration] - - - THE GAIETIES OF TOM GAD. - - I. - - Off goes Tom Gad, while John his lad - Stands holding his nags so handy: - Mary behind, with thoughtfulness kind - Is there with a bottle of brandy. - Master is going—(oh, how they'll be missing him - When he's in London)—and Missus is kissing him! - - * * * * * - -10. King of Hanover claims some of the Crown Jewels of England. - - "To lose for want of asking is no joke!" - 'Twas just like _Ernest_, though _in jest_ he spoke. - -20. West Middlesex Assurance bubble burst. Creditors in the suds. - - Like coining gold appear'd the plan, when new, - But soon they found their _Mint_ was turn'd to _Rue_. - -Short days. - - Send prosers to pot, - Who are dry and statistical, - And rather drink egg-hot, - Than be eg-ot-istical. - - Tom's journey ended, begins his spree; - Slap into the Bull and Mouth drives he. - -[Illustration: - - Ringing a peal and Ringing a belle -] - - - RINGING A PEAL, AND RINGING A BELLE - - _Or, The Pippy Correspondence: a Diary of Love and Inundation._ - - I. - - _Mr. Pippy's Valentine._ - -This elegant production was painted on a sheet of paper with a lace -border, and presented a singular mixture of sentiment and improbability, -viz.—a little boy, in a species of undress which the police would -certainly prohibit from becoming the general fashion, riding in a car, -like an enormous periwinkle shell turned topsy-turvy, upon wheels, and -drawn by two pigeons—a proceeding of which every thinking mind must -admit the impracticability, since the atmospheric resistance of the -birds' wings could never afford sufficient fulcrum to draw so large a -vehicle with any momentum, especially with cowslip collars and rosebud -traces.—[See Proceed. of Chawturmut Lit. and Scien. Inst., p. 30.] A -church with a pointed spire and two windows was seen in the distance, -perfecting this tasteful composition of protestant mythology. At each -corner were intricate red loops, like mud-worms in convulsions, termed -true lovers' knots; and below were eight exquisite and novel lines, of -which we present the reader with the _termini_, leaving him to fill them -up as he pleases:—"heart—smart," "languish—anguish," "flame—name," "you -be mine—Valentine." - - II. - - _Miss Celia Potts to a confidential Female Friend._ - - Oh, my dear Charlotte, - -What _do_ you think? Mr. Pippy, the young apothecary, who came down here -to take our union of fourteen parishes at £20 a-year, has sent me a -Valentine. Not a common, impudent penny one of an old maid, with cats -and parrots all about her, but a beautiful picture of a little Cupid— -such a love!—riding in a thingemygig, drawn by two what-d'ye-call-'ems, -with—oh, my!—eight lovely verses underneath. I know it's from him, -because it's scented all over with the best Turkey rhubarb and oil of -peppermint, and I found a small piece of pill adhering to the envelope— -how a trifle betrays the secrets of the heart! My mind is all in a -titter-totter—do come and see me. - - Yours very sincerely, - CELIA POTTS. - - Chawturmut, - Feb. 14. - - III. - - _Mr. Pippy to Miss Potts._ - - Adored Celia, - -The auricles of my heart contract with accelerated circulation as I pen -these lines. I can no longer conceal that my love is as firmly fixed -upon you, as with a solution of gum-arabic. Are your affections free for -me? and may they be taken immediately, and repeated every four hours -with one of the powders?—alas! I scarce know what I write. I have -already directed a dozen draughts to the wrong people: one old lady has -swallowed half a pot of ringworm ointment, and Mrs. Jones has been -rubbing her little boy's head with lenitive electuary. You alone can -write the prescription that shall administer to my incertitude. - - Ever devotedly yours, - PHINEAS PIPPY. - - IV. - - _Miss Potts to the confidential Friend._ - - My dearest Charlotte, - -We have given a small party, and he has formally proposed. He was very -timid at first, but it was the red wine negus that did it, for Mamma -very kindly made it pretty strong, and gave him a good dose, immediately -upon my singing—"I'd marry him to-morrow." He says he has loved me "ever -since he first saw me at church in that beautiful cloak." My dear, it -was my old pelisse, which I had turned, made into a capucine, and lined -with blue Persian; but love gilds everything by its magic: possibly it -converted my last year's straw bonnet into a Tuscan chip. It is pouring -in torrents, and they say if it goes on we must have a flood. He is -sitting at his surgery window, looking at me, between the red and blue -bottles, with a spy-glass. - - Yours ever, - CELIA. - - Feb. 20. - - V. - - _Mr. Pippy to his friend Mr. Tweak._ - - My dear Tweak, - -How uncertain is everything in this world! I was to have been married -to-day to the loveliest of her sex, but the floods have so risen, that -nothing but the roof of the church is visible. It began yesterday -morning, when the canal banks broke, and increased with such rapidity, -that I was compelled to spend the day on the dining-table, and am now -driven to the second floor, with no provision but a flask of lamp oil -and some tooth powder. The sick paupers of the Union I attend have just -arrived on a barge, which has got aground on the bridge. The -bell-ringers, also, who were practising in the belfry when the irruption -took place, are fast enclosed therein—the doors being under water, and -the windows too small to get out at. They are ringing for help, and the -sound is awfully painful, as it was to have been my bridal peal. A -letter has just been brought by Tom Johnson, in a mash-tub, from my -adored Celia; I hasten to read it. - - Yours ever, - PHINEAS PIPPY. - - Feb. 23. - - VI. - - _Miss Potts to Mr. Pippy._ - - Dearest Phinny, - -Do not, I implore you, think too much of Hero and Leander. Our rustic -Hellespont is far too cold for you to plunge into and swim across, and -such a proceeding might excite the gossip of our neighbours. Let us -endure this trial with patience. The waters are certainly abating, as -the French bed in our back room is now visible, and John has caught -three fine eels in the pillow-case, which I send you, as well as my pet -Carlo, who will swim back with any answer you may have to send. - - Yours very affectionately, - CELIA POTTS. - - VII. - - (_Extract from the Chawturmut Gazette._) - -Married, on the 28th inst., Phineas Pippy, Esq., to Celia, daughter of -Anthony Potts, Esq. The ceremony, which was delayed by the late floods, -was performed as soon as the waters sufficiently fell—the party going to -the altar in a punt. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: - - Look out _below_—above a joke. -] - - II. - - Tom Gad, a swell, in a town hotel, - Is breakfasting like a king; - Besides his proggery, lots of toggery - Hatters and tailors bring; - While John declares, he's blest if ever he - Look'd so smart as he shall in his livery! - - 14. Crockford cuts the cards, and throws up the game. - - When Crocky, after many rubs, - On gaming turn'd his back, - 'Twas just as though the king of _clubs_ - Were shuffled from the pack. - -[Illustration: - - "Not guilty, on my honour." -] - - 16. Lord Cardigan's trial and acquittal. - - 21. The Pennard Cheese. - - A mighty fuss about a mity cheese - From _Zummerset_, Her Majesty to please; - A wrong foundation sure its fame was built on,— - So mighty high—it must have been a _Stilt-on_. - - 26. Explosion of the great projectile in Essex.—Lots of calves - frightened to death, all for the public _weal_. - - 28. Conviction at Worship-street, for selling spurious T, which - shows the necessiT of avoiding an uncertainT. - - - VALOUR AND DISCRETION: - THE ANCIENT AND HONOURABLE LUMBER TROOP. - - (_From their Private Despatches._) - -It is at all times a pleasing task to chronicle heroic deeds, and we -hasten to immortalize the proceedings of this gallant body of veterans -during the past year. Amongst their most daring and successful attempts, -have been the taking possession of Eel Pie Island; the storming of the -baked apple-stand, at Temple Bar; the blockade of Bolt-court, and the -celebrated passage of the Paddington Canal, under the direction of -General Blackrag, the great city undertaker, to whom the attack was -entrusted, from his experience, as he himself stated, in marching at the -head of the _corps_. He was ably seconded by his usual auxiliary, Dr. -Bluelight, the former providing the _shells_, and the latter the -_mortars_, the combined effects of which produced terrific execution. -From the usual habits of the troop, it may readily be conceived that -_counter_ marching was the manœuvre at which they felt most at home; in -fact, the only idea they had of "a regular _march_," was the one between -February and April. During their encounters, they have given and taken -no quarter, except an occasional fore one of lamb; whilst their -undaunted courage was well shown in the speech of Ensign Miggins, who -declared "that he would never shrink from coming to the _pint_, even -against a rampart of _quartz_;" and his unshaken energy in bearing _the -standard_ was never known to _flag_, firm as its contemporary in -Cornhill. Their acknowledged love of card-playing having induced some -unpleasant gambling transactions, it has been resolved, by the head of -the members, to prevent all legs from bearing arms in their body; and a -late regulation orders the colour of their plumes to be a deep crimson, -not only as emblematical of blood and glory, but from its precluding the -possibility of any one, at any time, _showing a white feather_. It is -truly delightful to contemplate the harmony which reigns amongst them at -present; and it it somewhat remarkable, considering their aptitude for -_catches_ of all sorts, that they have made no prisoners. The only -approach to anything like discord in the troop, was upon the occasion of -the dispute relative to a contemplated attack upon Burgundy and Madeira; -but even this added to the general harmony, since, although the dinner -service was demolished in the contention, this one war was productive of -one hundred _peaces_; and it furthermore enabled the members to present -to their friends several unique _pieces of plate_, at a small outlay. We -are indebted to their laureate for the following— - - - WAR SONG OF THE LUMBER TROOP. - - Blow forth the clarion's pealing sound, - Your voices raise on high, - And send the bottle quickly round, - To drink to victory; - The campaign to the champagne yields. - The festive board invites, - Extinguish every thought of care— - Blow out your very lights! - -[Illustration: - - But glory is a kin' o' thing I shan't pursue no furder.— - __BIRDOFREDOM SAWIN.__ -] - - Our march in glory's bright career, - All other troops surpasses; - For, whilst they _charge their fellow men_, - We only _charge our glasses_; - No tears our conquests e'er await, - Nor bier, with trappings sable, - They—leave _their_ dead men on the field, - We—_ours_, beneath the table! - - At _Waterloo_, a fearful game - The _trumpet_ call began, - At _three card loo_ we win our trick, - And _trump it_—when we can: - The _verdant bays_ the chaplet form, - For which the warrior prays— - A different game we strive to win, - Not for, but on, _green baize_. - - The ranks that join in our _piquette_, - By deep old _files_ are form'd; - We keep no _watches_ but our own— - Our posts are never storm'd; - Our own _reviews_, in brilliancy, - The "Quarterly" outshine; - Our only _challenge_ is to take - A glass of generous wine. - - And should we ever take the field, - Our troops would be found _fast_; - The _first_ might trust to our support, - For sticking to the _last_; - And ever, upon equal terms, - Our enemies we'd meet, - For, did they treat us with a ball, - We would, in turn, retreat. - - - HIGH TREASON. - - March 16. - The boy Jones found feasting in the larder at the - palace. - - Why, what a scandalous piece of disloyalty, - To want to be picking the mutton of royalty! - - III. - - Tom Gad, my eyes! to his own surprise, - Is learning how to dance; - Wherever he goes, he'll point his toes - As gentlemen do in France: - He'll be the pink of a London beau— - Quite the fashion, and all the go! - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - 7. A wooden spoon presented by an old woman to the Queen. - - All the spoons of the nation soon made known their wishes, - To be speedily plunged in Her Majesty's dishes; - Yet 'twas found to be useless to take any more, - For the spoonies at Court were too many before. - - 14. Reported destruction of the Falls of Niagara. - - 'Twas said that the Falls, with a terrible din, - Had fall'n from their perch on high; - But now it falls out that they ne'er fell in, - And so 'twas a fals-i-ty. - 'Tis shocking to spread such news appallible, - About these Falls, which are still infallible. - -[Illustration: - - Ball practice. Finishing lesson. -] - -[Illustration: - - High and Low Water -] - - - HIGH AND LOW WATER. - A LETTER OF THE LIONS OF LONDON. - - "_From a Young Lady in Town to her Friend in the Country._" - - POLITE LETTER WRITER. - - I know, my dear Ellen, you think me to blame - For not writing once, since from Clumpsted I came; - But, what with the whirl and confusion of town, - I declare I have scarcely had time to sit down. - - We are now in "The Season;" by fashion's blest laws - Always fix'd at this point of the twelvemonth, because - To mope in the country's a terrible thing, - With nothing to watch but the progress of Spring, - As its cowslips and primroses burst from the ground, - And nought but the chirps of the wood-birds resound. - But how different London—one scene of delight! - Sights and concerts by day, balls and operas by night. - And we've all been _so_ happy, _so_ busy, _so_ gay, - With one drawback alone—it has rain'd every day! - - You cannot conceive, if 'tis not pointed out, - How quickly in London you travel about; - So I'll tell you, all fabulous narratives scorning, - The various places we saw _in one morning_! - Our lodgings we left about half after nine, - And, taking a coach, we drove off to the Shrine - Of the Chapel at Bethlehem, whence we could glance - At the fine church of Auch, which you know is in France. - Next, into the famed Polytechnic we dropp'd, - And there, a few minutes, at Canton we stopp'd; - Then quitting this spot, with despatch just the same, - By the _route_ of Pall Mall, into Syria we came - At the Kineorama—a tour rather fleet, - Since to Egypt you pass, without quitting your seat, - From whose ancient relics, time-worn and corroded, - We reach'd St. Jean d'Acre just as it exploded. - - (To make my accounts with localities tally, - The fortress _I_ mean overlooks Cranbourne-alley.) - And after we'd travell'd these scenes to explore, - We got home to dine, at our lodgings, by four. - - We've attended the second interment of Boney; - We've heard Sophie Loëwe, and seen Taglioni; - Whilst Nisbett and Keeley, in _London Assurance_, - Have kill'd us with laughter, beyond all endurance. - - With respect to Haitzinger and Stoeckel Heinefetter, - We fearlessly state, we have heard many better - Amongst our own people, deserving more praise, - Not omitting the young Infant Sappho, whose lays - Forced a cockney to state, against euphony sinning, - Entranced by her strains, that "her vays vas quite _vinning_!" - - We climb'd up the stairs to the Monument top, - But it pour'd so with rain that Papa wouldn't stop. - We saw nought but the Thames and the fog, I declare, - Or, as Tom quoted, "_nil nisi pontus et aer_." - So we went to the Tunnel, because, as Pa said, - There, at least, we should have a dry roof o'er our head; - But we very soon found, to our horror and fright, - That the river, presuming it still had a right - To keep its own bed, and annoy'd at intrusion, - Broke in all at once, to our utter confusion, - And, had we not flown at the top of our speed, - You ne'er would have had this epistle to read. - - But I find I have come to the end of my sheet, - And the postman is ringing his bell in the street; - So, with hundreds of kisses, I'll finish forthwith. - - Believe me, love, - _toujours à toi_, - MARY SMITH. - - - REGISTER OF INVENTIONS FOR 1841. - -Some excitement has been caused among the learned bodies on the -Continent, by the discovery of a new Chlorine Bleaching Fluid, of novel -and unexampled powers, the invention of which is due to Professor -Jügler, of Scampsburgen. Not only has it the power of removing the most -permanent stains from a person's character, but it also clears the most -muddy conscience in the course of a few applications; and a small -quantity applied to the head as a lotion is gradually absorbed and -filters through the brain, removing in its course all unpleasant -reminiscences and uncomfortable thoughts. Its mollifying powers have -been tested on a number of the hardest substances, including the heart -of a metaphysician, which, in a few seconds, it entirely humanized. -Diluted with water, and sprinkled on the floor, it purifies Houses of -Parliament, Lawyers' Offices, Private Lunatic Asylums, Cheap Schools, -and Race-course Betting-stands; and, used medicinally, a few drops, -taken internally, blunt the intellect, and if administered before a -trial, will totally destroy any _souvenir_ of a former event that it may -be deemed advisable to get rid of in a principal witness. We ought in -justice to add, that the Mnemonic Tincture was also the discovery of the -talented Jügler, which is equally useful in causing persons to recollect -things that never happened at all. - -Photographic Portraits. Whilst the Adelaide Gallery and Polytechnic -Institution of London are vying with each other for superiority in -producing those remarkably pleasant-looking and cheerful -representations, Mons. Le Cœur, of Paris, has adopted his new system of -taking them, which it seems he addresses especially to young engaged -people. The optical structure of the human eye, it is well known, forms -a Camera Obscura, by whose action the lineaments of the loved one are -correctly stamped upon the heart. The chief difficulty has been -experienced in fixing the picture so formed; for it appears that, -_after_ marriage, there are few, if any, traces of the features that -were impressed there _before_. - -Amongst the Patents taken out during the past year, the -Polyglossographic Adamant Steel Pen ranks high in estimation. It is -particularly recommended to the notice of the public, for the facility -with which it enables people, not only to write in any language they -like, but to transcribe with grammatical elegance. - -The Parvenu Medium Point is invaluable to those ladies and gentlemen who -have experienced a sudden rise in their fortunes; as it saves them from -exposing their want of education to their epistolary friends. - -The Platino-Zincoid Poetical Nib will write Stanzas to Mary, and lines -to a Moss Rose, in any quantity; peculiarly adapted for Albums and -Fashion Books. To paid, regular contributors to Annuals and Magazines, -who revel in the mill-horse style of writing, it will be found of -incalculable advantage. - -The Romance Rhodium Quality will furnish tales for newspapers at a -column an hour, varying in thrilling intensity, or historical epoch, -according to the ink used, which may, it appears, be procured with the -pens. The Newgate Writing Fluid is the most popular at present. - -The Patent Circumslogdollagizing Leader Pen will prove highly -advantageous to gentlemen of the Public Press, from the facility with -which it produces leading articles on any popular theme. We had the -satisfaction of trying a Corn Law pen, which answered admirably; and we -hear the ingenious inventor has manufactured Chartist, Commentary, and -Abusive pens, on the same principle, as well as Review Nibs. - -The Engineer of the North-south-east-western Counties Railway undertook, -for a trifling wager, to travel at the rate of twenty miles a second, -and actually arrived at the appointed station some time before he -quitted the terminus! He states that this intense velocity is obtained -by using gin and water in the engine, instead of water alone, which -imbues it with a species of temporary intoxication. - -The _Leviathan_ steamship, to run between England and America, will be -launched early in the Spring. Great fears are, however, entertained as -to whether there will be room enough in the Atlantic for her to turn -round, without damaging her bowsprit between Liverpool and New York. - - IV. - - Tom Gad to-day will go to the play; - Who does Tom Gad meet there? - Two pleasant men, whom he'll meet again, - And a lady fresh and fair. - A lady—fie!—upon my life, - Tom Gad, ye divil, I'll tell your wife. - - * * * * * - - 6. The will of Wood of Gloucester litigated. - - LINDLEY MURRAY states that _will_ indicates a _future_; - SIR MATTHEW WOOD finds a _present_ derived from a _will_. - - He scraped all day—he scraped alway— - He scraped from stocks and stones— - If he could have sold his flesh for gold, - He'd have scraped his very bones. - Gold was his good—untired he stood, - For nothing but gold did please, - Till he rested his bones, 'neath the churchyard stones, - And left his _Leg-at-tees_. - - 9. One Boa Constrictor, at the Zoological Gardens, swallows the - other. - - The cunning serpent in the park - One day was feeling rather hollow, - So took his brother _for a lark_, - Or, just as likely, _for a swallow_. - - 11. Military Flogging on Sunday—Lesson for the day. - - "Good day, good deed;"—when simpler method fails - (Thus thought the proud Bashaw of _many_ TAILS), - That teacher sure will mend the _slowest_ dunce, - Who uses NINE _quick_ reasons all at once. - -[Illustration: - - Over-head and Under-foot. -] - - - OVER HEAD AND UNDER FOOT. - -Bailie Mucklescratch dwelt at Glasgow, in the Candleriggs. He was what -is called a "warm" man; that is, one who had rubbed on well in the -world, as indeed it is probable most of his customers did, the Scots -being a people celebrated for playing the rubber of life. The baillie -kept, in American phraseology, a "store"—in London vernacular, a -chandler's shop; a bazaar, whose staple consisted of oatmeal and red -herrings, esculents in great esteem north of Tweed. It has long been the -opprobrium of philosophy that no satisfactory reasons have been assigned -for the proneness, in Caledonia, towards porridge and salt fish. With -unqualified satisfaction the announcement is here made that their large -pewter Minerva medal will be presented, at the next meeting of the -British Association, for the best treatise on the "causes and effects" -of a taste, evident on the most superficial glance at the natives of -that country. He also kept an only son, Sandy Macalister Mucklescratch, -who kept——but that is not part of our present affair. - -Now, though the elder Mucklescratch evinced no ambition in selecting a -worldly position for himself, he had an _itching_ about the appearance -of his _heir_. To this end, after a course of "humanities" at home, he -consigned him to a member of the College of Surgeons, an establishment -renowned for the sobriety and decorum of its disciples. No youth since -the days of Esculapius was ever in so fair a way to dignify the -profession of medicine as the young Glasgovian, if his own account was -to be believed; and who was so likely to possess the real facts of the -case? To be sure, the honour was not attained free of expense; but could -it enter even the heart of a Scottish chandler to suppose that his son -might carve at the same table with Sir Benjamin Brodie, or Sir Astley -Cooper, without sharing the cost of the entertainment. Day by day -_accounts_ arrived from the medical student; those who observed their -effects upon the receiver might have concluded they were not quite -satisfactory; but what could be expected from an old fellow who lived -upon "cock-a-leekie" in the Candleriggs? Fortunately, some of these -letters have been preserved; we copy one, to show the progress made by -the writer in other composition as well as that peculiar to _Materia -Medica_. - - "Governor,—Science can't be purchased without dibbs. When we want - _subjects_, we must _shell-out_. My share, for next lecture night - (as there will only be four of us), will take the shine out of a ten - pound stiff. Send the price of the spread, old trump, to your - dutiful son, - - "SANDY." - -However well calculated such studies might have been to procure -_patients_ for the son, they dealt differently with the _patience_ of -the father. Indeed, it can hardly be held unreasonable that a man who -had existed for half a century on fourpence a day should feel a little -disposed to inform himself how ten sovereigns could be required for the -fourth of a supper bill. Full of this natural curiosity, the man of -_groats_ went to Edinburgh, embarked _smack_ for London, and presently -domiciled himself on a lower floor in the neighbourhood of Upper Gower -Street, where, as the bill in the window implied, "gentlemen were taken -in, and done for." The traveller was weary: with his nightcap mounted, -and his chamber's light ignited, he was about to seek Nature's restorer. -What scared him from his purpose? - -The clock had told ten, and in the drawing-room apartments vertical, -four of the "Won't-go-home-till-morning" club assembled to pass the -_day_. "Gentlemen," shouted the chairman, "here's CONFUSION TO ALL -ORDER! Now the Charter chant, if you please, with honours." Then rose -the company, and while each executed a rigadoon to his particular taste, -all pealed forth in chorus— - - "Long life to jolly drinking! - Send round the wine like winking: - The liquor's free, - And so are we— - Hurrah! for jolly drinking!" - -Thus, from night to morn the carouse continued, and each returning sun -was the signal for its repetition. There was but a choice of evils for -the ground-floor tenant—to remain where he was, and be killed by the -inch, or rather, _by the foot_, or pay a se'nnight's rent for a night's -lodging—which would have _despatched him_ at once. All day did the -miserable meal-man seek his hopeful, with sorrow, and no success, and -all night (truth compels the confession) over the sire's head did the -son perform the dance of death. A shocking bad life was "Sandie" -leading: both the elder and the younger Scot were pursuing the M.D. -after a fashion _Maximé Deflendum_. The week ended, leaving the Glasgow -magistrate with just enough of life to assist him back to the -Candleriggs. A trusty friend in the Great Metropolis, however, was -commissioned to discover the retreat of the prodigal, and compass his -restoration to the disconsolate parent. After a time, and a rigid -stoppage of supplies, this was effected; and Macalister Mucklescratch's -career of dissipation ended, as many a similar course has terminated, in -_his being sent to the Old Baillie_! - - * * * * * - -Far north as he was born, the ancient Scot had a warm heart. Kindness -worked its accustomed office; and it was not long before the prodigal -son became the pride and comfort of his father's house. A pleasant thing -it is to see the pair seated together, and hear the old man, with -glistening eyes, repeat his especial _bon mot_. "Eh, Sandie, my lad, -when you and I were practising 'ABOVE' 'BELOW,' wha would ha' thought it -would have ended in - - 'ALL'S WELL!'" - - V. - - Tom Gad, for a lark, attempts Hyde Park, - All for to ride on a horse; - Which meets his spur with some demur, - And kicks without remorse. - Tom Gad, about Achilles' statue, - How all the people are staring at you! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: - - Bless me! there's a Flea. -] - - 12. Mr. Muntz complains of the ventilation of "the House," and - advocates "more _hair_." - - 29. Restoration day. Hearts of oak cut their sticks. - - "To witch the world with noble horsemanship." - - While all the rest are riding at their will, - The poor hack-author wags his weary quill; - Save through his garret-roof he knows no _rein_; - No _stir-up_, but when publishers complain; - No shay drawn up for him; pegg'd to the shop, he - Must hear no cry of hounds—but "copy, copy!" - He knows no hunter but the printer's devil, - Comes to no _checks_ but those when critics cavil, - Or such as touch his raw, if he's a feeler, - When driven to drive a bargain with a dealer. - -[Illustration: - - Draft Horse. -] - -[Illustration: - - Hunter and Hack. -] - -[Illustration: - - Seller and Buyer. -] - - - THE SHOP AND THE SHAY. - -"Our life is twofold," Byron says; and it's very certain that we pass an -equal part before and behind the curtain;—from the chandler, whose -trade's his prop, and contrives, all the week, to stop behind the -counter of his _shop_, in the midst of red-herrings and split peas, -French eggs, Prussian blue, Irish butter, and Dutch cheese, with many -other articles similar to these—but Sunday he gives up to ease; and, -"cutting the cheese" for the day, with his _shay_, makes a little -display, and off for a trip drives away, with his wife in a toilet most -gay, to 'bide by his side, with the pride of a bride, for a ride where -their own wishes guide. - -Then there's the gentleman some folks call a fop, who lodges very near -the house-top, and dines off a solitary chop, in a coat too worn even to -pop, and which no old clothesman would swop—_that's the shop!_—Then he -turns out a dandy complete, to swell up and down Regent Street, with -neat polished boots on his feet, not in dread of the friends he may -meet, nor anxious to shuffle away—_that's the shay!_ - -And next, Mrs. Brown, in a fright, that her seventeen daughters, in -spite of their figures so slight, and eyes bright, do not marry as fast -as they might, determines her friends to unite, and sends out to each an -invite; and all the day's in a sad plight, herself putting up each wax -light, in order that all may go right, as she trusts the _blanc mange_ -will be white, and not spoilt by her own oversight; and, by evening, is -ready to drop—_that's the shop!_—And when night comes, rewarding their -pains, her daughters, in _mousselain-de-laines_, with flushed cheeks and -quick-throbbing veins, to the cornet-à-piston's shrill strains, are -flying about with their swains, whom they hope to entrap in their -chains, as fast as a set of mail trains; and all is as gay as a bright -summer day—_that's the shay!_ - -And the young opera _danseuse_, who goes to learn how to walk on her -toes, or study each elegant _pose_, to an audience of empty pit rows, in -her toilet of everyday clothes, with her cheeks pale as death, and her -nose, from the cold, almost _couleur de rose_, the which she incessantly -blows, as she goes through each posture and hop—_that's the shop!_—And, -at night, from her place at the wing, she comes on the stage with a -spring, and plaudits throughout the house ring, at the sight of so -sylph-like a thing, and her lover's the son of a king, round whose neck -her white arms fondly cling, until pulled aloft by a string, she floats -on a bright canvas sunbeam away—_that's the shay!_ - -And the poor scribbling author, whose will is a few brilliant thoughts -to distil, that may flow with his ink from his quill: who grinds his -brains just like a mill, in his garret deserted and chill, and thinks -till he makes himself ill, in the hopes that his pockets may fill, when -the publisher praises his skill, and who trusts, from his efforts, to -reap a good crop—_that's the shop!_—And when his said work proves a hit, -and the sharpest reviewers admit, that it shows many traces of wit, and -he's thought for their _coteries_ fit, and soon of his debts can get -quit, no longer obscurely to flit, but soar in the day—_that's the -shay!_ - -[Illustration: - - The Shop and the Shay. -] - - - MISERIES ENOUGH FOR THE YEAR. - -To find it a rapid thaw when you have purchased a new pair of skates, -and have invited a party of ladies to see your performance. - -Getting soaked through, on your way to the Epping Hunt, and being told -that you have only taken your share of the Easter-_dews_. - -Driving your feet hastily into a pair of new Wellingtons, in order not -to miss the train (time and boots a tight fit), and finding, by the -feel, that the straps are at their bottoms;—boot-jack not to be found. - -Being asked to dine, on a New-year's day, with a family, in which the -children always expect presents. - -Taking a box at a theatre for the express purpose of hearing the -wonderful new vocalist, and finding, when you get there, only -"indisposition" and a stale comedy. - -Being "not at home" to an old friend, and coming downstairs, in a -forgetful fit, before he has had time to leave the house. - -Bowing, in your usual bland and affable manner, to a gentleman in the -street, whom you recollect, as soon as he has passed, that you ought to -have kicked. - -"Popping the question" in a pair of tight boots; the lady seeming in no -hurry, and to enjoy your agony. - -Going out to be godfather, and remembering, at the proper crisis for -presentation, that you must have left "the" silver cup in some omnibus. - -To be interrupted while writing a Bill-et-doux, by the recollection of a -bill over due. - -Being asked to carve, if you are a musician or literary man. - -Being compelled, in a party, to sit down to whist; and hearing your -favourite part in an Italian quartet, which you had studied for a week -before, sung by a murderous wretch whom you long to strangle. - -Writing an _appointment_ to a lady, and a _disappointment_ to a tailor, -and cross-directing them. - -Paying your rent punctually, on quarter-day, to _your_ landlord, and -being distrained on the next day by _his_ landlord. - -Having ascertained, by a peep down your friend's area, that there is a -turkey on the spit, and calling, accidentally, of course, about -dinner-time, you feel rather sheepish when the cold mutton is brought -up, and learn, in the course of the evening, that the kitchen fire had -been lent for the dinner party of the next-door neighbour. - -Abusing a person whom you have never seen, to a respectable-looking -stranger, who, after apparently nodding assent, with the patience of a -martyr, quietly observes that _he is the man_. The unpleasant -anticipation of loose teeth, as you see him making up his _bunch of -fives_. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: - - Floored by the Leger. -] - - VI. - - Tom bets apace at Ascot race: - Ah, Tom, it's all a do! - You're backing yellow, you stupid fellow, - And look, the winner's blue! - There goes, Tom Gad, a twenty pounder - As flat, you are, as any flounder. - - * * * * * - -Starting Post. - - Weary and wet, the traveller meets a post, - No _Morning Post_—but one of dreary night, - That looks, beside, so very like a ghost, - That he—no _upstart_—yet _starts up_ in fright, - -Winning Post. - - And at the finger-Post his finger points, - Trembling, poor gentleman, in all his joints; - Then up comes Tom, a fellow of good heart, - And says, "I say, - That _Post_ is meant to _Herald_ you your way; - It is no ghost:" - -Neck and Neck. - - In Hamlet's play it does not take that part, - And here's a reason why you should not start— - "It's not a _starting-Post_." - The _winning-Post_—that is to say, the goal, - Vaulting ambition's route from pole to pole. - -Racers. - - Where, _neck and neck_ contending, Greek meets Greek, - Leg follows leg, the strong defeat the weak, - Where _score_ the graceful racers o'er the plain, - And the whole game is one _Leger_-de-main. - -[Illustration: - - Hedging a Bet. -] - -[Illustration: - - Walking over the Coarse. -] - -[Illustration: - - Don-Caster. -] - -[Illustration: - - Up-hill and Down-dale. -] - - - UP HILL AND DOWN DALE: - - NARRATIVE OF AN ASCENT TO THE SUMMIT OF PRIMROSE HILL. - BY MESSRS. POPKINS AND VULT. - -The celebrated Primrose Hill, which is estimated to be nearly one -hundred feet above the level of the Regent's Canal, forms one end of the -great chain of the Metropolitan Alps, which comprises the respective -hills of Highgate, Ludgate, Snow, Saffron, Mutton, Addle, Tower, Corn, -Constitution, and many other peaks. Whilst the enterprises of Sherwill, -Clarke, De Saussure, Auldjo, and others, had carried them to the summit -of Mont Blanc, and M. Agassiz had overcome the hitherto impracticable -Jungfrau, and given their published accounts to the world, it is -somewhat strange that no narrative has hitherto been published of the -ascent of Primrose Hill. To supply this void in our literature, as well -as to furnish an account to Peter Parley, which, in the event of his -refusing, I should have sent to the "Penny Magazine," I was induced to -undertake the excursion. Although the time of year was somewhat against -me, yet, from the noble offer of Mr. Vult, whom I met casually in the -diving-bell at the bottom of the tank in the Polytechnic Institution, I -determined, at all risks, to make the attempt. - -On inquiry, we found that the charity boys of the district schools were -best acquainted with the localities, and we therefore engaged four of -them as guides. Their parents did not seem to comprehend our intentions, -but possibly this arose from reluctance to allow their children to join -our venture: but we overcame their scruples by offers of liberal -payment, and named the eldest ("Plucky Simmuns" as he was familiarly -termed by his fellows) as our chief guide. We also contracted with a -broom merchant in Kentish Town for our ice-poles. - -The next morning at nine o'clock, and in a deep snow, we left the Albany -Tavern, amidst a crowd collected to see us start; and crossing some -palings and a piece of broken ground, prepared to ascend. Our progress -soon became one of extreme peril, as the snow had been collected from -Park Village, and shot out on this waste, forming vast hills, which -required great labour to surmount. Once I completely stuck fast, and -before I was extricated nearly left one of my cloth boots behind me. Our -respiration also became very difficult, evidently from the rarefaction -of the air at so great a height, although Mr. Vult persisted in -attributing it to the hot rolls we had eaten at breakfast. We crossed -this large confusion of snow, which we presumed to be part of the Chalk -Farm Glacier, and were astonished, on arriving at the opposite side, to -see a man in these wild solitudes. He was evidently a child of the -mountain, and proffered for sale an article he termed "ginger cocktail," -which he assured us would prove most palatable. We bought some, and went -on. - -The conduct of our guides was most remarkable: in circumstances of the -utmost peril they betrayed a levity almost unnatural, and more than once -took to snowballing each other, as if they had been on level ground. We -continued to ascend until the dreary waste of the Hill opened on us in -all its awful grandeur. No living thing was visible, and the earth below -was fading in the misty distance, leaving no trace of its existence but -the tops of the tall chimneys on the Birmingham Railway. Once, and once -only, Mr. Vult fancied he heard the squeak of a train coming in: this -might or might not have been the case. The cold was most intense, but we -had made up our minds to succeed or die, and we pushed bravely up the -last slope. - -At half-past eleven we reached the summit—and never shall I forget the -eventful moment. My companions partook of my excitement, with the -exception of Mr. Vult, who having had the care of the brandy flask in -the ascent, and not being a teetotaller, had indulged in so many tastes, -that his conduct was most unscientific. He insisted on trying to waltz -with Simmons, and threw his new hat at a bird that flew over our heads. -A passing breeze carried it down the Hill with as much ease as if it had -been its namesake production of the fields—the work of the _Aranea -Sylvestris_, or Gossamer Spider of Linnæus. - -With respect to the view, so dense was the fog reigning around, that we -saw nothing beyond twenty yards from us. What lay within that radius -was, however, very magnificent, consisting of a deep layer of snow, -broken only by our footsteps. In answer to my inquiry of Simmons, if -avalanches were common in the winter, he replied, with much candour, -"That he didn't disactly know, but he believed there was lots of nuts -and brandy-balls, now and then." Having satisfied our eyes, we prepared -to act similarly towards our stomachs: and we were glad to find our -elevated situation had no other effect upon our animal economy than -wonderfully increasing our appetites. The guides feasted at a small -distance from us; their provision consisted principally of cold bacon, -which they had tied up in their neckcloths, where it acted as a -stiffener. We allowed a bottle of Guinness amongst them, fearing, if we -gave them more, they would get confused, and unable to find their way -down again. After dinner I proposed "Prosperity to Science," which Mr. -Vult insisted upon giving with three times six, and finished by falling -down on the snow, quite overcome. The sentiment given by Plucky was -simple, and indicative of pastoral feeling. He merely exclaimed, as he -slapped his hand against his yellow-leather indispensables, "Here's -luck!" and drank up nearly all the bottle at a draught, to show how much -in earnest he was. - -I wrote some notes in pencil for our friends to keep as _souvenirs_, and -made several scientific observations. On endeavouring to ascertain, from -the fall of the mercury in my barometer, at what height we stood, I was -surprised to see no traces at all of the mercury on the index plate. I -subsequently found Mr. Vult had tumbled on it, and all the quicksilver -had run out. - -As afternoon advanced we prepared to descend, dreading lest night should -overtake us in these wild solitudes. Our guides showed us a method of -coming down the declivities, at which they seemed very expert. They sat -on the snow, and glided down with the rapidity of a railroad. Not liking -to trust myself alone, Plucky took me behind him, and we got down -safely. Mr. Vult, however, over valiant, would go by himself, and -consequently, after sliding at a fearful rate, he suddenly disappeared, -having, as we imagined, slipped into some tremendous crevice of the -glacier. We found that he had fallen into a hole where the railway -navigators had been digging for clay, the water in which had got -slightly frozen over, and then covered with snow. This accident somewhat -checked our ardour, but we congratulated ourselves upon its fortunate -result. At length we reached the level ground, and returned to our inn, -highly gratified with our excursion, although we would recommend no one -to undertake so perilous a task from mere motives of curiosity. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -Champagne. - - VII. - - Tom Gad has stray'd to a masquerade, - Where there's row enough for a wake; - All dress'd up false, he begins to valse,— - Oh, what a precious rake! - If your wife knew, Tom Gad, Tom Gad, now! - Upon my word you are too bad now! - - * * * * * - -Real Pain. - - 1. Chimney-sweeping Act in force.—Machines - put up, boys put down. - -Ice-Cream. - - Vell! gone is all the profit as I reaps; - A _sveeping_ clause has done avay vith _sveeps_; - Our lads vill into hevil courses rush, - The boys has got the _sack_, and mustn't _brush_. - Their hindignation's most uncommon hot, - Because they mustn't go no more to _pot_; - Scraping's guv up—but, in a many shapes - They'll be a getting into other _scrapes_. - -Dominoes. - - I puts my young 'un in a bran new suit, - And when he's rigg'd, the gallows little brute - Goes rolling _on the bed_. - "Ullo," says I, "you're spiling of your togs;" - Says he, "D'ye see, - It's all along of love for the old trade: - -Tongue and Chicken. - - Father, I vos a sweep, as vonce you knew, - And still I likes to be _all over flue_." - -Census return. All the madmen included. - - O! facilis _decensus_—easy 'tis - From intellect to go down into madness, - Which now's reflected in its every phiz, - And every form of goodness and of badness - Return'd before us at the land's expense, - A _census_ true of all its want of _sense_! - - - BLOOD HEAT AND FREEZING POINT. - - 'Tis a bad plan to fight, whatever be - The provocation—just attend to me, - And you'll ne'er rue it; - Although with rage you find your fingers burn, - As obstinate as Grissel's masons turn, - Only instead of _striking_—never do it. - - Even when struck, never _return_ the blow;— - _Blow the return!_ your independence show; - _Put up_ with a _put down_—let no regards - For empty honour tempt you to exchange - Your pasteboard challenges, however strange, - But _cut_ the cards, - Then _shuffle_ off yourself; declare no war; - And, recollect, 'tis always better, far, - For your assailant to turn up _his_ nose, - Than you _your_ toes! - - Words beget blows—from blows contusions rise, - Which, cutting off your lachrymal supplies, - May _dam_ your eyes— - At least their conduits; tempt no further brawl; - For though "black eyes most dazzle at a ball," - You'd find, in spite of all you'd thought before, - A _ball_ would dazzle your _black eyes_ much more. - Think of your challenger, _bent straight_ on fight, - With purpose cruel, - Arising from his bed, at day's first light, - To _do ill_. - - True to the _moments_, see his _seconds first_, - Who for your heart's best blood already thirst, - Like murd'rous Thugs; - With you yourself—pale as a taper's light— - "Creeping, like _snail_, unwillingly" to fight - With _slugs_! - Think of the morning _fog_, by whose assistance - All may be _mist_, unless, defying distance, - His vision, at such moment far too clear, - Cutting all chaff, - May lay you, by his _barrel_, on your _bier_, - 'Twixt life and death, or, rather, _half and half_! - -[Illustration: - - Blood-Heat and Freezing-Point. -] - - - SOCIETY FOR THE CONFUSION OF USELESS - KNOWLEDGE. - -AUGUST, 1841.—At the Annual Meeting of the British Fill-us-off-ical and -Feeding Association, at Ply-mouth, the following ingenious plan was -promulgated—for a Company for the Confusion of Useless Knowledge. It is -needless to say that so praiseworthy a project met with the unbounded -sympathy and concurrence of all the members present. - -It is intended by the Company to supply the present enormous mental -appetite of the public with a full feed of science and literature in a -series of sixpenny bits, or bites. To prevent the appetite from becoming -cloyed by too continuous a fare of any one kind, the bits will be so -intermingled and diversified as to keep the biters always expecting and -never satisfied. Thus, the biography of Bacon will be relieved by a bit -of the history of Greece; a bit of Astronomy, by a bit of Brewing; a bit -of Roman History, by a bit of Algebra; a bit of Chemistry, by a bit of -Commerce; a bit of the History of the Church, by a bit of Sir -Christopher Wren. Vegetable Physiology, bit I., will be probably -followed by a Treatise on Probability; from the study of which the -reader may, if he please, try to find out when he is likely to see -Vegetable Physiology, bit II. The whole will thus form, in the mind of -the student, a most desirable complication of the Novum Organon, Athens, -Malting and Mash-tubs, the Cæsars, Logarithms, Oxygen, Tariffs, -Telescopes, the Arian Controversy, the building of St. Paul's, Cellular -Tissues, and Reversionary Interests. - -The success of various topographical works, which, in their periodical -production, illustrate perhaps a description of Northumberland, with -views in Norfolk or Middlesex; and of the Encyclopædias, which accompany -the article Entomology, with probably the plates of Clockwork, or -Geometry, justify the Company in adopting a similar mode of arrangement. - -The Company propose, in order to insure the greatest possible degree of -ultimate perfection, to commence some of the subjects with bits, -developing the present notions of the scientific world, and to keep them -incomplete till they can conclude them with the discoveries of the next -generation on the same topics; so that the statements in bit No. 1 will -probably be corrected by the subsequent discoveries in bit No. 2 of the -same subject, to be produced ten years hence; but, considering the -philanthropic views of the Company, they will consider themselves quite -at liberty to abandon, incomplete, any of the subjects which it may not -be very easy for them to finish; considering it to be fully in -accordance with their general object to leave to their followers that -glorious desideratum of the aspiring and energetic mind— - - "The Pursuit of Knowledge under Difficulties." - - AUGUST. [1842. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: - - Losing Hazard. - - Pocketing. - - Marker. - - The Finish. -] - - VIII. - - Tom Gad can't eat his morning meat, - His head of pain has twitches; - And his faithful chap can't find a rap - Of coin about his breeches: - But turns the pockets of each inexpressible, - Merely to show how far they were accessible. - - * * * * * - - Losing Hazard resembles the sea, it is plain, - For it certainly swallows things up by the _main_; - But the fellow who in the destructive game dabs, - Though he catches no fish, is full sure to throw _crabs_. - He deserves to be beat with the best of crab sticks, - For though "six, seven, eight," have got, each of them, _nicks_, - They, at last, lay the gambler undone on the shelf, - And then he is taken by old _Nick_ himself; - Besides, he's a noodle undoubted, who'd try - To be making a _living_ by going to _die_! - - 15. The boy Jones sent to sea. - - Jones, you'll be tossed at sea, as I've a notion; - But the dread perils of the ocean, O shun! - Winds, when the fair Aurora dawns, O roar - Not in your might till Jones has gone ashore; - Waters, swell not yon yeasty billows high, - Till that young swell's on land, and very dry; - For though his name _is_ Jones, and though he did - Enter the palace, and not touch the knocker, - There is no reason right why Jones's kid - Should be consign'd to Davy Jones's locker. - - 29. La Fontaine's Mesmeric Exhibition. - - It's a science methinks—though La Fontaine may brag, - That, in language of slang, sir, is not worth a _mag_; - And, although men some mighty phenomenon see, - When it loosens the elbow or stiffens the _knee_, - Yet they get to no end, and are still plunged in schism, - While the world's looking on, and exclaiming that _'tis hum-_ - _Bug_ every bit—and as much waste of time - As thus cramming _mag-knee-'tis-hum_ into rhyme. - -[Illustration: - - The Ups and Downs of Life -] - - - THE UPS AND DOWNS OF LIFE; - _Or, Polytechnic Pond-erings Elaborated in the Bell_. - -Mr. Green is, with all deference to the gentleman of another colour who -generally assumes that title, the real Prince of the Air. He rides upon -the whirlwind where he lists: the atmosphere welcomes him with _hail_! -and the bridled tempest offers him its _rains_. If the perfection of the -science of aërostation be so perfectly within his grasp, it is plain the -_elements_ must long since have yielded: he knows all their economies, -and regards the zephyrs as familiar airs. The mischievous wind, so often -presuming on its intangibility, by committing all sorts of depredations, -and then scudding off, is compelled to confess its inability to cope -with him, and to own the presence of "Green in its eye." Hecate is, -compared to him, a dull, powerless agent; for his spirits do not wait -for him on the rather uncertain tenement of a foggy cloud—which, from -its surchargement with aqueous vapour in suspension, stands a chance of -converting them into weak grog—but lie neck and heels at the bottom of -his car, assimilating, in their nature, to bottle imps. When other -people call a coach he unconcernedly takes a fly, and floats up like -down. Other blessings attend his aërial wanderings. His champagne and -stout are sure to be _up_; his cold pheasant is palatably _high_; and -his other refreshments range far _above_ all imitations. He takes leave -of the world, not as an anchorite, but to enter a livelier grade of -superior society, moving in an elevated position; and bears with -philosophical indifference the wide reverses of his existence, from the -most rapid rise to a subsequent decline and fall; although, at the same -time, no man has more uniformly good prospects. We only wonder how he -can tolerate our dull earth, and wager he never feels so secure with the -flags of the pavement as he does with those of his own balloon. His very -nature must have been reduced to what it works in—the atmosphere: and -those who may eventually succeed to his possessions can be no other than -the Airshire legatees. The rise and fall of the stocks affect him not— -his own keep pace with his situation; and the glance of his eye sweeps -the whole range beneath him with _a bird's-eye wipe_. There are but few -difficulties on earth that he cannot grapple with. His balloon is his -substantial and impregnable castle in the air, which he has built -himself: and he always has his wits about him cool and collected, -though, like a wool-gathering ruminator, he is constantly in the clouds. -Although Mr. Green was long connected with the Polytechnic Institution, -where his aëronautic whirligigs used to demonstrate the power he had -acquired in guiding balloons, we are convinced he never went down in a -diving-bell, for he would have been literally out of his element; unless -the galvanic experiments at the same time could have chemically -decomposed the water around it into its constituent gases, and he would -then have gone aloft with his darling hydrogen. We once saw him -contemplating the diving-bell; but it was with the air of an eagle of -the sun gazing at a dabchick, apparently lost in wonder, not at the -machine, but at the eagerness of the visitors to descend in it, to the -chilly depths of the tank. It was evident that he no more regarded them -as of his own species than the brilliant _libellula_, rising in the -sunshine, owns the immature chrysalis lying at the bottom of the pool. - -We ourselves, who are not a prey to such flights of ambition, hold the -Polytechnic Institution, and its million wonders, in especial reverence -from beginning to end, and think it fortunate that its professors live -in enlightened times, or they would be assuredly burnt for necromancers, -and form their own fire-clouds; producing photographic shadows of -themselves, by the glare of their own faggots. Not being inclined to -soar aloft, we rather approve of the diving-bell, and often pay it a -visit. It affords matter of gratification to everybody. The scientific -man goes down to measure the pressure of the atmosphere upon the drums -of his ears, and see the displacement of water by air; the sightseer and -curiosity-hunter, to experience a novel sensation; the hair-brained -lounger, fresh from Regent-street, with his little stick and -blotting-paper-coloured Chesterfield, to "put up a lark," although the -bottom of a tank of water is certainly rather an unlikely place to find -such a creation; and the lover of display, to gratify a trifle of -ambition in becoming the _pro-tempore_ lion of the place, as he emerges -from the bell on its emersion from the water, in the bright eyes of the -pretty girls who are looking down on his sub-aqueous venture from the -galleries above. - -The diving-bell, in the present era of compound-progressive science, is -only in its infancy—its tinkle will, ere long, be changed to a toll: we -speak metaphorically, and do not allude to the shilling paid for -entrance. We have passed the adventures in the picture which illustrate -the article "BELL-Diving," in the Encyclopædias, representing two -gentlemen, who have secured places inside, holding air-tubes, and one, -more venturesome, who has strolled to take a _cold without_, carrying a -small bell on his head, and a boat-hook in his hand, amidst rocks and -sea-weeds. Bolder schemes are in progress. The bell will open a new line -for travellers to the Antipodes, by going right through the sea at once, -and thus curtailing the journey by the geometrical relation which the -diameter bears to half the circumference. Neither should we be surprised -if people, addicted to go down to watering-places, go down at once to -the very bottom, and choose waterproof summer villas on the beds of our -lakes and rivers, exempt from land-tax and ground-rent; when, stationed -in the water, they fling defiance at the law of the land. Such a -position would be a fitting site whereon Father Mathew and his -proselytes could erect a temple to the Genius of Teetotalism. - -We need not add, it will take some time to bring the public mind to an -idea of the security of these abodes. The shilling'sworth of flurry and -ear-ache which the adventurers purchase so readily, still, however, -finds a rapid sale. We descended the other day with a lady who had a -great deal of the former commodity for her money. Her fright was -extreme, when the huge monster that contained us first swung off its -perch; and, when its mouth touched the water, she gave way to the -wildest despair, even to attempt breaking the windows with her parasol. -The only moment of security she experienced was when she reached the -bottom. Here she fairly jumped down off her seat, on which it had -required great exertion to retain her, and begged to be left where she -was, now she had once reached the ground again, observing, we might go -back in the bell if we chose, but, for her part, she preferred -substantial footing to again trusting herself in such a crack-me-crazy -vehicle. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: - - Black Eyes and Blue Jackets. -] - -[Illustration: - - Tremendous charge of the Blues. -] - - IX. - - Tom Gad, d'ye see, out on a spree, - Gets whopp'd in Covent Garden; - They knock him down, and crack his crown, - And leave him not a farden: - And then, for making such a fuss, to-day, - They give poor Thomas into custody. - * * * * * - Policemen are the "upstarts" of the nation, - For every one appears above his _station_; - And would you know his tyranny full well, - _I_ fear you'll _buy_ your knowledge in a _cell_. - -1. Why is the back of a hare like a narrow escape? - - Because it's "a hare's breadth." - -29. Rent Day—Landlords' _levée_. - -[Illustration: - - In cool grot and mossy cell. -] - - Rent Day!—a day when all hearts most are rent - With torture—save, the heart of lusty Dan; - Then gets he that which makes him most content, - Rent from the ragged and rent-breeches man; - Bent upon rent, and all without remorse, - Yet Dublin deems the foul extortion fair, - And swears that, as he's ridden the high _Horse_ - So long and well, she now will make him _Mayor_— - A Mayor who, though he makes of _Fifties_—cronies, - Yet has a most maternal love for _Ponies_. - -[Illustration: - - Leading the Van. -] - -Star-gazing in season. - - Yes! gaze, and cry, "My stars—all wondrous fair, - That, by your shining do behave as sich," - Look up—you'll find your very soul is there - Look down—your body's rolling in the ditch! - -[Illustration: - - "The Beauty of the Heavens." -] - - - NEW EDITION OF _BURNS_. - - _Published October 30, 1841, at the Tower._ - -The indefatigable Mr. Swallow has obligingly forwarded to us the -following list of valuable relics, which were rescued from the -"devouring element," during the late conflagration at the Tower:— - -Half of the lid of a pot, inscribed—"_Fox's_ Circassian Cream," and -supposed to have belonged to _Renard_, the Spanish Ambassador at the -Court of Queen Mary. - -The handle of the warming-pan which was used for the bed of the young -princes the night previous to their being smothered. - -The bowl of the identical pipe with which the executioner of Guy Fawkes -composed himself, after he had accomplished his unpleasant duty. - -A portion of a bottle, which contained the liquid used to polish the -Bluchers of Edward the Black Prince; part of the label, with the letters -WAR——still in high preservation, and clearly indicating the determined -resolution of that undaunted hero. - -A tile, with the initials "W.R.," and which, it is judged from the -caligraphy, belonged to the time of William _Roof_-us. - -A massive trowel, the state of its edge proving that there must have -been a "_strike_" of Masons in former days. - -A spice-box, supposed to have contained the _mace_ of the ancient Lord -Mayors of London. - -A fragment of a Cigar, very probably a portion of the _Regalia_. - -A five-shilling piece, in an imperfect state; doubtless the _crown_ that -Richard the Second resigned to Henry of Lancaster. - -A constable's truncheon, with a certificate of its having formed the -Duke of Wellington's _staff_ at Waterloo. - -The feet of the gridiron that cooked the last _chop_, but one, for the -ill-fated Duke of Buckingham. - -A _pitch_-er, used by the _tars_ to drink grog out of, after the -dispersion of the Spanish Armada. - -[Illustration: - - Going!—Gone!! -] - - - GOING! GONE! - THE AUCTION-HERE. - -Glasses, tables, pictures, chairs, Dutch ovens, and beds;—and knots of -men upon the stairs, with knots upon their heads;—and the dining-room -table put in the front drawing-room, and covered by the back parlour -carpet,—supporting the auctioneer, and the clerk, and catalogues, and -desk, altogether enough to warp it.—And each hale porter stout is -"drawing lots" about, which, if brittle, you may think fortunate, if -from the room they are thrust whole,—from the specimen post of the best -front bed, and the _book_ muslin covers, that once were _red_, to the -cinder-sieve and knife-board, in the dust-hole.—"Any advance upon seven— -eight, nine, ten, eleven—going!—thank you, sir—twelve, thirteen. Tap! -gone for thirteen—the cheapest bargain ever seen; they are yours, sir; -if you pay, they may go at once away. Six iron hoops, a water-butt, a -bottle-rack, and broom."—"Oh, Mr. Auctioneer, there's some mistake, I -fear, for not a word I said."—"But, sir, you nodded your head."—"Oh, -yes, to a friend in the room!"—And when the sale of the silver things is -going to begin, the room's so hot, and the crowd so dense, from the -people scrowdging in;—and the struggle for the loss is so great 'mongst -those who compete, that you'd say there was a race for the plate in a -general heat.—And there's a great Jew upholder, that I'm forced to -uphold on my shoulder—leaning upon my chair, with long, black, greasy -hair, that would make Sir Peter Laurie swear, and a coat as rough as a -bear; it's rather too bad to let him in amongst respectable people, in -his _bear_-skin; and I don't know what he can mean, but I suppose it's -his fat that makes him _lean_.—"Ladies and gentlemen, I must beg -silence,—for the babel of your tongues may be heard a mile hence.—I -first offer to your notice an article of _vertu_, as old as the world -itself, both curious and rare too, that was dug up beneath some ruins in -the Sicilies,—and is from the undoubted chisel of Praxiteles— -representing a Venus, without legs, arms, or head; _au reste_,—the -_trunk_ is very beautiful, so is the _chest_."—"Mr. Auctioneer, your -classic knowledge is rather queer; and I don't wish to hurt you, but I -cannot understand Venus being an article of _virtue_; and if this -mutilated image is Venus coming from the sea, as you say, I should -rather incline to think that the sharks had been following in her lee -all the way."—"We have here a fine painting by Vandyke,—a correct -portrait of anybody you like—and a bust of the celebrated ballad-singer, -Homer,—who, throughout the towns of Greece, was a roamer,—where 'tis -known, by even the most illiterate dunce, that he'd the luck to be born -in seven different cities at once;—but all his endeavours to raise a -penny from each of these places seemed to fail,—for he never got -out-door relief from any, although it seems to have been a Union on a -most extensive scale.—I'll thank you to give me a good bidding, if you -please—for you rarely see such authentic originals as these—which I have -offered to the gaze of the beholders.—The bust upon which you have all -bent your eyes was buried in Pompeian lava for centuries,—where it, all -that time, had lain."—"Then, perhaps, sir, you can explain the meaning -of the motto 'Austin and Seeley,' on the shoulders."—And in the midst of -this general din the rafters of the floor all tumble in,—and down to the -parlour the company and auctioneer go,—which rather cumflusticates those -who are sitting below; and so,—amidst the general confusion and rout,—we -ourselves will contrive to scramble out—from the room in which we were -crammed;—and, on gaining the fresh air, we are almost tempted to swear, -if we go there again we'll be—shot! - - - A SMITH'S VICE. - - When late—too late, indeed—it was found out, - That shoals of large Exchequer bills were spurious, - It made, no doubt, - The holders furious— - And indignation grew quite busy with - That fraudful felon, Edward Beaumont Smith, - When prosecuted, at the Queen's expense, - Guilty, he pleaded; - An act that surely did not show his sense, - And little needed, - While he had this defence:— - "Gentlemen,—any frauds by me display'd - Were in the way of trade; - I forged the bills, 'tis true; what then, I ask? - Pray was it, do you think, the sort of task - To earn for me a scourging? - For, since the days of Vulcan, I would know, - Up to this very last Exchequer go, - How could a _Smith_ be great, except in _forging_?" - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: - - Fancy Portrait. - - Forging by _Bill_ Smith—hot work. -] - - X. - - All pale and weak, before the beak, - Degraded Tom is taken; - He _was_ too late to save his pate, - He _is_ to save his bacon! - He stands and listens, sad and dogged, - To "fined five bob" for being grogged. - - 15. The Ladies at the Palace, hearing that at the expected birth - Royal salutes were to be given, petitioned the Prince that they - might not be overlooked in the arrangement. - - 24. A tidey overflow of the Thames. - - The river o'erflow'd—to the grief of good _fellers_, - The tide soon invaded the publicans' _cellars_; - The _buyers_ ne'er found that it injured their store, - For surely the gin was all water before. - - 30. Affair of the Caroline—M'Leod's acquittal. - - It would have been almost beyond a joke - For such a cloud to end in aught but smoke; - But had he been sedate, discreet, and staid, he - Had never quarrell'd about any lady; - And Grog-an, grog had mix'd, in better quarters, - Than came of mixing up in troubled waters. - -[Illustration: - - Mount! Eagle. -] - -[Illustration: - - Making light of it. - - A burning shame. -] - - - PREMIUM AND DISCOUNT. - -No third-floor front that ever looked upon the golden waters of Ball's -Pond harboured swain more favoured by nature and art than the young -Augustus Kutitphat. His father was the renowned Orlando Kosenem Von -Kutitphat who, passing over from Germany to this country in three ships, -became _arbiter elegantiarum_ at Hockley-in-the-Hole, and his mother was -nearly related to that unprecedented Simpson who conferred immortality -upon the bowers of Vauxhall. At the age of nineteen Augustus was -bereaved of his parents, from whom he inherited a mine of brass (in his -face), and a harvest of curls (_hair_-looms) unparalleled in the annals -of (Bear's) _Greece_. He was not, as he himself asserted, critically -handsome, but eminently genteel. "Manners make the man," he was -accustomed to observe, "but the tailor, the gentleman: appearance is the -premium where-with you can discount society; it's gammon to talk about -the aristocracy of birth; why there's a second fiddle at Astley's that -no Duke in the 'Red Book' is fit to hold a candle to: _I_ never had a -grandfather, and is there any mistake about _me_?" - -In this way of thinking, and a primrose satin waistcoat, Augustus -proceeded to essay the truth of his philosophy. A great poet has said, -"All the world's a stage;" had he added, "licensed only for the -performance of pantomime," the fancy would have well assorted with the -fact. To succeed in the drama of life the performer needs only activity— -to keep his eyes open, and his heart and his mouth shut. The two former -of these elements of success Kutitphat possessed; had the three been -combined, he might have become Lord Mayor. Though a denizen of -Islington, inhabiting a chamber which, had the house been another remove -from town (at the Antipodes), would have been the cellar—by grace of -patent-leather Wellingtons and a Polish tailor, he himself achieved a -_polish_ that not one in a thousand would have known from the true -metal. Even the ingenious youth who, with a red coatee and nose to -correspond, enacts the esquire at Crockford's, looking after the -coursers of the knights-errant who there do congregate—even _he_, albeit -as good an authority in such matters as the Lord Chamberlain himself, -was almost led into the indiscretion of a bow. Augustus had just turned -into St. James's Street, when our Cad-Crockfordian caught sight of him. -His right hand had all but reached the bit of felt that did duty for the -rim of his hat; but it fell ere the error was irretrievable. "No," he -soliloquized; "it ain't not qvite the ticket, but unkimmin good at the -price: blest if I warn't nearly had—_wont_ he step into _some_ on 'em. -At first, wouldn't I have pounded it he was a real swell; but, now I -twig him nearer, _his mother don't know as he's a taking of the air_." - -[Illustration: Premium and Discount.] - -Angelina Ampletin was one of the prettiest girls in Pimlico, and, if -there was any truth in rumour, very far from one of the worst _catches_. -Papa had retired from business at Billingsgate, with money enough to -found a dozen joint-stock banks, and leave a handsome surplus. In fact, -_his_ turbot and salmon were all gold and silver fish! Now, as Augustus -entered the enclosure of the Park, Angelina and one of her friends were -studying ornithology on the margin of the stream that meanders between -the Horse Guards and Buckingham Palace. A glance of soul-speaking -sympathy passed between the youth and maiden—and, behold! the tiny hand -of her _Breguet_ had not accomplished another revolution ere they were -in confidential communication. Let us not dwell on the progress of their -loves; day by day did they perambulate the sylvan shades of Kensington -Gardens (so called because destitute of both flower and fruit); and at -length the critical avowal was made—Angelina blushed her passion—"she -lived only for her Augustus; would he, indeed, fondly love on to the -close?" History is divided concerning the exact nature of his reply. -According to one account he is said to have declared that, if false, -nothing should prevent his being "jiggered;" while another asserts that, -in evidence of immutability, he called upon the zephyrs that sighed -around them, then and there to "blow him tight." Alas! for Augustus, -that which the figure of his form had built up, the figure of his -rhetoric laid desolate. Angelina was the soul of refinement and -education, having been finished at Turnham Green. With a look of horror -she fled the presence of Kutitphat—that _blow_ was the unkindest _cut_ -of all! - -It was November, but still the weather was delicious. All the gay things -of nature were abroad; and even the wretched sought to borrow a ray of -the rich sunshine. Over the still verdant carpet of Hyde Park were -gliding graceful groups of fair women; while, among them, moved a form -that seemed to have little business there at such a time. Bless ye! dear -muffs and boas, no heresy is here intended, for instinct would curl the -nose of an angel in Eden who should chance upon a fellow in the _débris_ -of an ancient Taglioni, and no shirt. Was it a wonder, then, that -Angelina gave a wide berth to Augustus when she encountered him in such -a category? Where were now his airs and graces? All—all gone! The -station, like "the herald Mercury," exchanged for a posture between a -faint and a sneak; the glance of scorn, for the mien of supplication; -the sheen of promise, for the sear of despair! People speak of Brummel -frying his own tripe as if it were something to wonder at. Let them take -a turn in St. James's Park, any day between the first of January and the -last of December, and, unless they shut their eyes, they will discover -more than one member of the Kutitphat family at a discount. - -[Illustration] - - XI. - - Tom Gad, Tom Gad—my lad, my lad, - Now never mind your head O! - Here comes your wife to save your life; - You must sit up in bed O! - You must put up with one attack from her, - And then put up your traps, and back with her. - -[Illustration: - - Gog and Magog—all a-gog. -] - - 2. Michaelmas Term begins. - - CHAMBER PRACTICE. - - Fiction all day to use, whate'er the fact is— - To find that everything against some Act is— - Champagne to drink all night, till the brain rack'd is— - That's Chamber Practice! - - A BRIEF. - - For pay, to prove the honest man a thief— - For pay, to break the widow's heart with grief— - To stifle truth—for lies to gain belief— - That's a Brief! - - DEEDS carefully _abstracted_. - - Ten thousand words, where ten would serve the need— - Ten thousand meanings, discord meant to breed, - Where none can understand, and few can read— - That's a Deed! - - 9. The Lord Mayor takes water at Westminster Hall, and wine at - Guildhall. - -Royal Babby born - - - THE NURSE'S SOLILOQUY. - - How do I dote upon my royal charge, - Born to be great, and growing to be large; - Sprung, in his beauty, from the parent-tree, - An _heir_, and eke _a-parent_ too, is he. - Dear bellowing babby—apple of my eye, - A young trump-card, turn'd in the royal rubber; - As Duke of Cornwall, how he used to cry, - And now he's Prince of _Whales_—oh! wont he _blubber_! - -Pray, Mrs. Lilly, when is His Royal Highness to be dressed _en grande -tenue_? Don't know, my lady; at present he is dressed _in the nursery_. - -[Illustration: - - The Parlour and The Cellar. -] - - - THE PARLOUR AND THE CELLAR. - - "Most epic poets plunge _in medias res_," - So, as the better plan with scenes like these - (At least, the quicker), - I treat the past as a "foregone conclusion," - Whereby the reader's saved no small confusion, - Seeing my "_dram_ personæ" are in liquor. - Opens our scene what time thus spake the host - (A gentleman who has two friends to dine, - That two, as you perceive, are soused in wine, - Like Jacob's swine): - Rising to do the honours of the board - (His "case of drink" such as became a lord), - "I beg to pro—po—pop—prop—pose a toast; - Not to my honourable friend that's down, - For he al—sted—dead—ready is done brown; - But to the gentleman before me there - (Is there a pair?), - Filling, with so much dignity, his chair:— - A toast, the very birthright of a nation, - Where virtue is the attribute of station; - A toast, were I the swi—swe—swain that delves— - Or peer, or plebs, I'd drink while I'd a hand - To hold a glass in—or a leg to stand— - "Our noble selves." - * * * * * - Thus sped affairs—up stairs, - Or, properly to speak it, in the _salon_ - _A manger_, where a group of the _élite_ - Were busied in the intellectual feat - Of swilling claret by the gallon. - I said "up stairs," however, let me state, - To indicate - That, under the aforesaid festive _salle_, - There lay a spacious subterranean hall, - Cellar, or, with your leave, we'll call it vault - (Because the word is wanted for the rhyme), - Wherein, at that especial point of time, - There sat a party deeply gone in malt; - Consisting of two Christians and a nigger - (Meant, you will understand, to represent - Servants of the establishment), - Now, let me beg you to observe the figure, - Whereby the artist hath pourtrayed the latter— - Nothing in ebony was ever fatter; - In look and leer a more incarnate satyr; - How better could he illustrate our matter, - Which _is_ a satire? - Hark! Mungo speaks—"O golly! what a go - Them four-um-twenty bottle ob a row, - Beer in um casks, and claret on um shelbes - Come, massa butler! neber spare um whack; - Mungo shall drink, so long as Mungo black— - 'Our noble selbes.'" - * * * * * - Smile on—but have a heed, least, soon or later - Apply the "_de te fabula narratur_." - - - DECEMBER—NOTES OF THE MONTH. - -1. Bernard Cavanagh detected. - - He went too _fast_; in hopes his trick would tell - To bite the Bark-shire boys he took _a spell_; - But _Reading_ sauce soon cured the hungry sinner, - And now he'd jump to get a Christmas dinner. - -9. Prize Cattle Show—Blank faces. - - There gazes John, delighted on - The blowing bloated beast; - 'Tis hard to swear which of the pair - Of brains possesses least. - -21. Ladies scold least. - - Pray what's the reason they have less to say? - Why, simply this, that 'tis the shortest day. - -25. Dine out (if you can). - - Christmas upsets the world:—a very _slow_ pull - Have foreign places: _Turkey's_ deem'd divine; - But who cares twopence for _Constantinople_; - And isn't _China_ fairly lost in _Chine_? - - XII. - - Tom Gad got well—no more a swell— - Is home among his friends; - His mind is eased, his wife is pleased, - And here my story ends— - With just this moral—"Unless you'd be _un_done, - Don't leave your spouse, and come alone to London." - -[Illustration] - - - CHRISTMAS FARE. - - A MERRY MUG! though he could not be uglier, he - Has nought about him that betokens Jugg-ler-y. - - A GOOSE, even tailors have, who cut it fat, - And use the _goose_ itself to get _a flat_; - And when the cloth is spread, which they have stored, - They _lodge_ it there, a portion of their _board_. - - Snap Dragon—Fiery face-ias. - - CHINE'S Christmas fare, cries Pat, but, by my sowl, - Sure TURKEY isn't, for it's Christmas fowl. - - Eat your pudding hot; but— - Don't burn their mouths, - The little dears while treating, - Though still the proof - Of pudding's in the _heating_. - -[Illustration: - - A round game at Christmas. -] - - - PROCEEDINGS OF LEARNED SOCIETIES, 1841. - - - THE STATISTICAL SOCIETY. - -[Our country readers may probably not be aware that there exists in -London a body of pleasant-minded gentlemen, constituting a society -bearing the above name, who collect, with never-wearying application and -research, the various statistical reports connected with every subject -of the day. Their proceedings are duly chronicled in the different -scientific and literary reviews, but as these may not be within the -reach of all, we have collected the most interesting points discovered -by their labours, during the past twelvemonth, and present them as a -"Year Book of Facts" to our admirers.] - - * * * * * - -Some valuable particulars have been gained in connection with the supper -taverns of London. Of every twenty visitors, it appears that eight order -Welsh rabbits, six ditto broiled kidneys, four ditto poached eggs, and -two ditto chops or steaks, as their taste may direct; and that these -numbers are divided into seven medical students, five lawyers' clerks, -three gentlemen from the country, the same number of men about town, and -two shop-boys or single tradesmen, who imagine they are so. Of these, -more than one-third call the waiters "Charles," or "Tom;" two in five -join loudly in the burdens of "The Pope," and "The Monks of Old;" and -one in four encores the comic songs by striking his fists upon the -table, until the cruets commence performing an intricate figure of their -own, and finally tumble down upon the floor. - -The statistics of Camberwell Fair are exceedingly interesting; and the -following return of the state of fifty dolls there purchased, at the end -of a week from the time of buying, will be read, we are assured, with -avidity: - - Had their eyes poked in, and rattling loose in the head 12 - Ditto picked out 8 - Despoiled of their wigs 6 - Lost their arms and legs 9 - Melted before the fire 3 - Had their noses beaten flat against the bars 7 - Totally destroyed 4 - In tolerable preservation 1 - —— - Total 50 - -As the affection of a child for its doll proverbially increases -according to the dilapidated state of the latter, the above tables -afford an interesting view of the probable existing proportion of -nursery attachments at the present moment. One child in three, at the -Fair, had a mouth covered with gingerbread crumbs, and five in twelve -had the stomach-ache. The promenade Concert d'Eté, which lasted all day -long, embraced twenty-two penny trumpets, or _cornets-à-bois_, nineteen -musical fruits, six fiddles with packthread strings, and four drums, -varying in price from sixpence to two shillings. A solo, by a very young -performer, on a tin rattle filled with peas, was very much admired. - -A paper, involving some singular points of manufacturing economy, has -been written, entitled, "What becomes of all the pins?" It appears, from -Professor Partington, that _twenty millions_ of pins are daily -manufactured in this country. These get into general circulation, and -after a time, entirely disappear; but the remarkable fact is, that, like -the swallows, nobody knows where they go to. It is proved that, were it -possible to recall these lost articles, a quantity might be collected -sufficient to build the projected foot-bridge at Hungerford Market, and -the residue might be cast into one enormous pin, which should be erected -as a column in any part of London best suited for its elevation, and to -be called "Victoria's Pin," in opposition to "Cleopatra's Needle," at -Alexandria. There would be a winding staircase in the interior, with a -saloon in its head, and it might serve, not only as a land-mark in -stormy weather for the fourpenny steamboats plying between Vauxhall and -London Bridge, but, since the setting up of statues to everybody that -dies is getting into fashion, the column could be crowned with an image -of Shakspeare, Byron, or any other inferior character who has not yet -been so honoured, in London, beyond the lobbies of the theatres and -Madame Tussaud's. - -From the visiting report "On the Lunatic Asylums of the United Kingdom," -we learn that the persons of unsound or slightly cracked intellects in -England, amount to ninety per cent., but that straight-waistcoats have -gone out of fashion, being superseded by straight pea-jackets with the -majority of the aberrated. Of a great quantity of lunatics now in -Bedlam, five out of thirteen are addicted to punching the crowns out of -their hats, and then putting them on topsy-turvy; and two in seventeen -are not quite clear whether they are the Secretary of State or Julius -Cæsar, but collect small pebbles, which they call petrified bears' heads -and five-shilling pieces. Ninety-one and a half per cent. believe they -are perfectly sane, and that all the rest are stark mad; whilst two in -nine are preparing to bring an action against the Queen for breach of -promise of marriage. Of three hundred wooden bowls allowed them for -their gruel, twenty-four had been thrown at the nurses and keepers in -one day; and, in a single instance, one had been converted into a -species of cap, which was put on with much solemnity, and the wearer -then kept close watch in the yard for the whole week over a -strawberry-pottle, which he represented to be Windsor Castle. At -Hanwell, from the proximity of the asylum to the railway, twenty per -cent. believe that they are first-class carriages, and have a habit of -whistling loudly when they approach, that the others may get out of the -way; a proceeding which is generally advisable. - -A statement has also been made connected with the omnibuses of the -metropolis, from which it appears that, when you are waiting at the -corner of any street for an omnibus, seven out of eight are going the -wrong way. Ninety per cent. of the cads ask if you will ride outside -when you hail them; and, out of thirteen passengers, three wear kid -gloves, eight sport brown Berlin, and two none at all. - - - REPORT OF THE CATNACH SOCIETY. - - ESTABLISHED A.D. 1841, ON THE MODEL OF THE CAMDEN, PERCY, AND - SHAKSPEARE SOCIETIES. - - - RULES. - -I.—The Society shall be called the Catnach Society. - -II.—The chief object of the Society shall be to reprint rare and -unedited ballads and handbills, printed, at various times, by Messrs. -Catnach, Birt, and Pitt, of Great St. Andrew Street, Seven Dials. - -III.—The Society shall consist of as many subscribers as can be got -together, and, as a precaution against bolting, the subscriptions shall -be paid in advance. - -IV.—A subscription of a guinea a year shall entitle the members to -receive a copy of all the works issued by the Society. - - - BOOKS ALREADY PRINTED. - -1.—_The Greenacre Garland; or, a Merrie Manual for Midnight Murderers_: -A collection of the most remarkable dying-speech bills issued within the -last forty years; comprising letters written, and hymns composed by the -malefactors the night before their executions, speeches on the scaffold, -copies of verses detailing the crime, and written for music, with views -of the execution, and occasional portraits of the felons. Edited by the -late Thomas Cheshire, Esq., of Newgate, Middlesex. - -2.—_A Collection of Political Songs and Ballads_, having reference to -some local particulars connected with a county election in 1833. As the -allusions in these relics are but imperfectly understood, and the -interest has quite gone by, this forms a valuable addition to the works -already published. - -3.—_The Street Anthology of the Nineteenth Century_; comprising notices -of the most popular itinerant musicians of the day: to which is added, -an inquiry into the probable author of "Jim along Josey;" with memoirs -of the following eminent perambulators—_viz._, the little man in the -soldier's coat, with the "jolly nose," who indulges in _Billy Barlow_ -and _Follow the Drum_, under a very diminutive and dilapidated umbrella, -on certain evenings in Leicester Square; the professional gentleman in -the oil-skin cap, and whiskers inclining to auburn, who sings to the -dulcimer and attends the races; the ambiguous character who ties his -hair in bows, wears sandals, carries a fan, and sings "She promised to -buy me a bunch of blue ribbons," and dances to the chorus—"Tilly ung de -rung tung de rung day," as he plays an imaginary piano on his ribs; the -two young gentlemen who black their faces with soot and tallow, and sing -"Sich a getting up stairs," standing upon their heads, and dancing with -their feet in the air; the conjuror who wears a scarlet coat, does the -doll trick, and tries to imitate "Jerry," but who does not succeed -therein. - -4.—_Merrie England in the Modern Time; or, Richardson and his Friends._ -A singular collection of showbills and street advertisements, edited by -the late Mr. Richardson, of travelling-theatre celebrity; including -details of the various fairs he attended, and embracing endless -anecdotes of his contemporaries—the learned pig, black wild Indian, -white Negress, Scotch giant, fat boy, Welsh dwarf, young Saunders, Mr. -Samivell, the equestrian, &c.; interspersed with many outlandish songs -and recitations, and dialogues between masters of shows and Mr. -Merriman. - -5.—_Three Yards for a Penny._ A _répertoire_ of some reprinted popular -lyrical poems prevalent at the commencement of the reign of Queen -Victoria; including "Happy Land," "Claude du Val," "Woodman, spare that -Tree," "Nix my Dolly," "Wanted a Something," &c. &c. - - - AN EARNEST LOVE LETTER. - -_To the Editor of the Comic Almanack._ - - GOOD MASTER RIGDUM FUNNIDOS, - - I am incurably in love with a young lady, residing in the country, - but have reason to think, from what passed between us at our last - interview, that she has some misgivings respecting my fidelity. I - therefore beg you will insert these lines in your Almanack, which, - as it circulates everywhere, will show everybody that my intentions - are strictly honourable. - - Yours, - Greatly obliged, &c., - PHIL. PHILOMEL. - - Oh! why these cruel taunts throw out, - And say you cease to love me; - Or my affection that you doubt? - By all the stars above me, - I am not false—yet, since I fear - To meet a flat rejection, - I'll tell you when you may, with cause, - Mistrust my fond affection: - - When trains from Railway _termini_ - Start off at the same hour - Two weeks together, then begin - To doubt your beauty's power; - Or, when embankments cease to fall, - Or boilers to explode, - Or engines to run off the line, - You may some change forbode: - - When shrimps are caught at Putney Bridge, - And gudgeons at Herne Bay, - When the Thames Tunnel clears enough - Its shareholders to pay; - Or, when Thorwaldsen's "Byron" stands - In Westminster's old Abbey, - You may, with truth, begin to think - My conduct rather shabby: - - When Autumn tourists cease to roam - To Switzerland or Baden; - Or when the lessees fortunes make - At "Drury," or "The Garden;" - When _busses_ move along the Strand - As fast as you can walk— - Then think my words no longer true, - My vows of love all talk: - - But, until then, I swear by all - The topics of the year— - The corn laws, sugar, opium, tea, - Lin, Elliott, and Napier.— - By D'Aumale's fortunate escape, - And Marie, "_femme_ Laffarge," - Who writes as well within her cell - As if she were at large: - - Or by Napoleon's _catafalque_, - 'Midst such grand rites erected - (Although it made not half the stir - The French King had expected); - By the dim last declining rays - Of weather-doom'd Vauxhall, - Or by Cerito's masquerade, - Which ne'er took place at all:— - - By all these things, and many more - Which I've no time to write - (Because the various mail-trains start - At half-past eight each night), - I swear again, to prove most true, - And every vow fulfil, - Till fashion's idlers quit Hyde Park, - And lounge on Tower Hill. - - - LIKELIHOODS. - -Is it likely—that the young Prince can lead any other than the life of a -soldier, since he is already _in arms_? - -Is it likely—that you can ride in an omnibus, without catching one -_pane_, through the absence of another? - -Is it likely—that you can ever get the work you particularly want at a -Subscription Library? - -Is it likely—that you can be riding within half a mile of the theatres, -in the evening, without having twenty playbills thrust in at your -coach-windows? - -Is it likely—when attending a meeting of creditors, where time is asked -for, that you will ever hear of less than the probability of thirty -shillings in the pound? - -Is it likely—that anybody on the Free List ("the public press excepted") -can gain admittance at a theatre when there is anything worth seeing or -hearing? - -Is it likely—that any account of a fire can be inserted in the -newspapers, unaccompanied by "further particulars?" - -Is it likely—that an unfavourable review of a work can appear, without -the author's declaring that the writer has been actuated by private -malice? - -Is it likely—that you will find the National Gallery, or British Museum, -open at the day or hour a country cousin has selected for visiting it? - -Is it likely—that you can receive a present of game from the country -without paying, in carriage, more than it is worth, and being expected -to send a basket of fish in return? - -Is it likely—that your servant will find a coach or cab, on the nearest -stand, when you are in a hurry? - -Is it likely—that a friend will remember to return your umbrella until -the dry weather sets in? - -Is it likely—when you get into an omnibus at the Bank, that you will -arrive at Bond-street in the time in which you could have pedestrianised -the distance twice over? - -Is it likely—that the "positively last night" of a dramatic Star will be -the end of his performances? - -Is it likely—that a publisher will omit to announce a work as "just -ready," when it is not even written by the author? - -Is it likely—that you will hear the popular preacher whose fame has -attracted you five miles on a foggy November Sunday morning? - -Is it likely—that you can remember the number of the coach in which you -have left your new silk umbrella? - -Is it likely—that the street musicians will pass on under double the -usual time, if you happen to be in a particularly ill-humour, or are -engaged in the miseries of authorship? - -Is it likely—that a day can pass without the manager of a theatre -receiving ten applications, from "particular friends," for the use of -the stage-box? - -Is it likely—that you can listen to a traveller, without hearing "when I -was abroad," twenty or thirty times repeated? - -Is it likely—for a snuff-taker to offer his box, without observing, -"that it is a bad habit, but he cannot do without it?" - -Is it likely—for your country friends not to have seen more of the -London lions than you, who have been in town all your life? - -Is it likely—that a friend will refuse to _lend_ you a hundred pounds, -without _giving_ you plenty of advice? - -Is it likely—that you can take a trip to a watering-place, without -ever-_last_-ingly running against your shoemaker, and finding your -butcher there, "cutting it fat?" - -Is it likely—that you can put on a new pair of boots, without wishing -the maker of them at—a pretty considerable distance; and driving a hole -in the floor with your _stamp_ of—anything but approbation? - -Is it likely—that a young lady can be induced to sit down to the -piano-_forté_, until after she has raised _fifty_ objections? - - NOT VERY! - -[Illustration: - - NOT VERY LIKELY -] - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1843. - - - OH! LAW! - -There never were such times as these! A barrister could once, with ease, -have got as many fees, by merely signing pleas, as would have given him -something more than bread and cheese; but destiny's decrees have made it -feasible no more to get such fees; and if the lawyers please to live, -they can no longer live by pleas. - -Those days, alas! are flown, when seeds of litigation, shrewdly sown, -were very often known, not through a single life alone to have thriven -and grown, but to have reach'd the state that's call'd full blown, in -time for the attorney's son to make the crop his own. But now the -lawyers are thrown over—the system's overthrown. - -The common law is common now no more; full many a clause in Acts of -Parliament has clipped its claw. The time is o'er, when, for an hour, -one could jaw about the spelling of the man who did the indictment draw, -and whose mistake, or clerical _faux paw_, had floored poor ill-used -justice by a literal flaw. - -If Eldon now could rise and see the changes made since _he_ would doubt -and disagree e'en with his own decree, what would the great man's -feelings be? He'd say this seems not like the Court of Chan_ceree_, in -whose old customs I had hoped that we had an estate in fee; such suits -as these would not have suited me! - -Oh! who would once have dared to dream that judges could have worked by -steam? Although, without a joke, justice would very often end in smoke; -and, from the speeches still preserved on paper, we find that legal -eloquence was often only vapour; while law itself contained, as it would -seem, the element and principle of steam; for those who ever had a bout -of it, found it hot water, and were very glad when they got out of it. -Mechanics' principles the lawyers knew, and made amazing use of two—the -wedge and screw! But of the third, in early legal cases, there is little -heard; for though to scientific men of old the lever was well known, as -we are told, the lawyers seem to have refused it, or never used it. The -lever they despised; at least we find them not leaving anything they -_could_ take behind them! But it is also thought some early barristers -so often moved in court, that they had something like a notion of coming -to perpetual motion. - -[Illustration: - - Oh, Law! -] - - - A LAW REPORT. - - _Doe on the demise of Roe, versus Roe on the demise of Doe._ - -This was a case of ejectment. Gabble (Q.C.) for plaintiff.—"This is a -clear case of ouster (_Shower_, 2); but if the tenant in possession -disputes the title of tenant in tail, he cannot plead _laches_ -(_Campbell_, 1)." In this case the remainder man was regularly let in, -but the widow cannot now claim dower (_Blackstone_, 3). Suppose the -mortgagee had been anxious to foreclose, then plaintiff must have been -guided by the rule in Shelly's case (_Adolphus and Ellis_, 6.) Here -there is nothing of the kind. If defendant takes anything, it is in the -character of tenant in reversion after the possibility of issue extinct -(_Shower_, 1). - -Thumpus (Serjeant) _contra_.—Doe takes only a chattel interest, or, at -most, a base fee (_Taunton_, 6). The court must presume that the -outstanding term is satisfied (_East_, 6). The rule is not now as Coke -laid it down, for Mansfield (C. J.) declined taking it up. This is a -case of common ouster. Doe walked in as trustee, and was kicked out in -tail. There is no relief for him at common law (_Bracton_). The door was -shut upon him by defendant's son, and the parent is not answerable for -the act of the boy (_Chitty_). Judgment was now delivered by the court. - -Mither (C.J.)—This is an uncommon case. Doe was never regularly in, nor -was Roe regularly out. Both took as devisees of the same testator. The -case in _Shower_ cannot guide us here, though the rule laid down has -been recognised. I do not think there is much in the objection to the -widow's claim of dower, though I see I have got it upon my notes. A -mortgagee may suffer by _laches_, but then the defendant should have -pleaded the _tort_. There is nothing of this on the record, and the -verdict must go accordingly. - -Puny (J.)—I am of the same opinion. My brother Thumpus has referred us -to Bracton. I know the point in Bracton, and have decided it twice the -other way. But here I think the rule in Shelly's case comes in and -carries the verdict. - -Twaddle (J.)—There are four points in this case; three of them amounted -to nothing, and the fourth has been conceded. The _laches_ ought to have -appeared on the pleadings. There cannot be a use upon a use (_Sanders_), -but a trustee may take by the common law, which the statute, Jac. II., -c. 14, did not interfere with. The provisions of the act removed much -abuse, and the eighty-fourth is a particularly wholesome section. Here -these questions do not arise, and, as the rule is clear, the verdict -must follow it. - -Shiver (J.)—I am of the same opinion. - -[Illustration: - - (Gentlemen _in the Direction_.) -] - - - LONDON AND UNIVERSAL DEPOSIT ASSOCIATION. - - _Time of taking in, ten to four. Drawing out, ten to one._ - - Wanted some fine young men, without delay, - To carry boards about the street, - And pop into the board-room once a day, - As shareholders, to muster a display, - When the directors meet. - It is expected all will be quite willing - To take a share for which they'll pay a shilling. - All those who don't object to taking more - Will profit in a very high degree; - And any one who purchases a score - Becomes vice-president and life trustee. - To each vice-president, besides his pay - Of eighteen-pence a day - Which is of all deductions clear - There is allowed a pot of beer. - The company beg to propose a job, - That is adapted well to any single swell, - Or may be undertaken by the mob. - In plainer terms to speak, there is a meeting once a week, - At which it is advisable to muster, - Of flashy-looking gentlemen, a cluster. - A liberal price to any one who brings - Of gold, of course mosaic, a display; - But there is some reduction in the pay, - When the Directors find pins, chains, and rings. - Immediate application is required - From those by whom employment is desired; - Because the company will soon begin - To take Shareholders and deposits in. - And there is very little doubt, - That when the time arrives for drawing out, - The company, by some strange antic, - Will be removed across the Atlantic. - -[Illustration: - - THE CHARTER—A Common's Scene. -] - - - THE CHARTER. - - - A COMMONS SCENE IN THE YEAR 1843. - -Several Members took the oaths, and the Speaker took his seat, when -six-and-twenty members all at once were on their feet. The standing -order then to move some dozen did begin; and, in compliance with it, the -Speaker ordered in, for all the honourable members, each "a go" of gin. - -The worthy representative of Monmouth Street began to bring before the -house his well-digested plan, for making up the _deficit_, by taxing -every man who should be found to own a baked potato-can. - -He went into the history of _taturs_, from the day when first the sun of -science shone with resplendent ray, and pointed out for baking them the -most delicious way: he traced the rise of cans from the very first of -all, when they used to manufacture them particularly small, until the -later era, when they made them very tall, with half-a-dozen lanterns, -from which the light would fall, the notice of the populace unto the can -to call, and, like a very basilisk, the little boys enthral. - -The member then for Battersea, in an impressive speech, brought on his -promised motion for giving Chelsea Reach, and also Twickenham Meadows, -another member each. He said, and while he said it, he acknowledged it -was true, that those who lived at Battersea and Twickenham were few, but -unto them the suffrage undoubtedly was due, because it had been given to -Hammersmith and Kew. - -The great election compromise was then at length discussed, and it was -soon decided that the sitting member must, upon a charge of bribery, -from out his seat be thrust; because he had corrupted, with a pot of -beer, a crust, and bit of cheese, a voter who took away the dust. - -The watercress and radish trade presented a petition, complaining very -bitterly of their distressed condition, and praying that the Parliament -would put a prohibition on foreign cress and radishes, which caused a -competition that threatened to annihilate at once the home vendition. -The House, in tongues as numerous as e'er were heard at Babel, expressed -at once a wish to do whatever it was able, and ordered the petition, -then, to lie upon the table. - -But now the long discussion was eagerly resumed, upon the knotty -question, whether those who wern't illumed with a knowledge of the -reading art, could ever be presumed fit persons unto whom the nation's -guidance should be doomed? 'Twas argued very cleverly, and was by all -confessed, that, as the members had not been by property oppressed, -enabling them to sympathize much more with the distressed, and, as they -were with very slight qualifications blessed, perhaps, if they had none -at all, it would be for the best. - -The House was now impatient, and many rose to say, that they had -listened long enough, and wished to get away; for they had sat -sufficient time to constitute a day, and therefore hoped the Speaker no -longer would delay, in ordering to each of them their ordinary pay. - -With this the feeling of the House appeared to coincide; the Speaker to -the treasurer for funds at once applied, and at the sight of money there -arose, from every side, one universal clamour of—"Divide! divide! -divide!" - - - LIGHTS OF THE PRESENT, NOT OF OTHER DAYS. - - 'Tis moonlight where the silver waters stray, - 'Tis safety-light in mines or caverns deep; - 'Tis waxlight at the dinner-party gay, - 'Tis rushlight in the room where mortals sleep. - - 'Tis candlelight in many a parlour neat, - Where father, mother, children, sit at tea: - 'Tis gaslight in the office, shop, and street, - 'Tis twilight when the muffin-boy we see. - - 'Tis skylight in the high and vaulted dome, - 'Tis Bengal light where ships in danger toss, - 'Tis Bude light where the Pall Mall loungers roam, - And it is Boccius light at Charing Cross. - -[Illustration] - - - A CHARTER PARTY. - -The United Female Chartist Washerwomen met a deputation from the Infant -Society of Universal Suffrage and Vote by Ballot Orphans, in the long -room of the Institution belonging to the former, when a discussion -ensued on the subject of the Charter. - -It was at length resolved to extend the five _pints_ to six; and it was -finally agreed that three quarts should constitute the measure they are -jointly going for. - -Upon a proposition that they should adopt the principle of the whole -hog, a discussion arose as to whether the gammon was to be included; but -it was soon decided that the whole hoggites would be nothing at all, if -it were not for the gammon, which was accordingly retained by a large -majority. - -The following subscriptions, in aid of the "Victim Fund," were then read -by the secretary, who stated that the amounts were in the hands of the -treasurer who was absent from indisposition: - - _Subscriptions to the "Victim Fund."_ - - £ _s._ _d._ - - Eight-and-twenty patriotic mothers 0 0 9 - - Three charwomen, who are ready to scour the country in 0 0 3 - aid of the good cause - - Nine tailors, who feel as one man 0 0 1 - - Ten patriotic grandmothers, who would see their 0 0 5 - grandchildren enjoying their freedom in the land of - their grandfathers - - The hands employed upon St. Martin's clock 0 0 6 - -The great petition was then brought forward for additional signatures, -when it was resolved, that knowing how to write should not be a _sine -quâ non_ for signing it. Several chartist children were permitted to put -their marks, and the grand master of the lodge of juvenile levellers was -appointed as controller of the sand and blotting paper. - -In the evening tea was served, and several rounds of patriotic toasts -were given. - -26. Bonaparte escaped from Elba, 1815. - - Napoleon could not bear the exile's doom, - And Elba left, in search of Elba (elbow) room. - - - MORALS FOR THE MILLION. - - There's nothing, in the present day, - That's done by halves; all's in the wholesale way. - We've singing for the million, not the few, - And now we've writing for the million too. - The penny post has raised a batch, - Who manifest such zeal, - In scribbling with their pens of steel, - They seem to be inspired by Old Scratch. - The singing for the million's very well; - And if they would but tune the postman's bell, - Or make the dustman keep - Within the rules of harmony, - By always giving out his cry - In octaves, with the sweep; - Or, if the muffin-man could only be - Persuaded to adopt the treble key, - So that his voice in melody might rise, - And as a tenor might be reckon'd, - Supported by the deep bass second - Of him whose song is—"Here's your kidney pies!" - In anybody's system we'll believe - That can such excellent results achieve; - If methods for the million thrive, - No doubt the time will soon arrive - When schools will by the multitude be sought, - Where morals for the million will be taught. - Then honesty will out of fashion go; - And virtue, if it sinks to the mobility, - Of course, by all pretending to gentility - Will then be voted low. - If, in the present day, - 'Tis thought much spirit to display - To steal a street-door knocker, or a bell, - Why not, in time, take handkerchiefs as well? - As the _élite_ of fashion will be few, - Policemen will have little then to do - Cases of robbery to detect, - For thieving will be so select. - Morality will then be taught - In every alley, lane, and court; - The principles of honour to instil - They'll open schools on Saffron Hill. - St. Giles will be the most revered of names, - And the swell mob may then be found - In western rookeries to abound— - Their sanctuary the clubs that grace St. James. - -[Illustration: - - NEW SAINT GILES's—Morals for the Million. -] - - - A FEW FACTS. - -It is a fact that Mr. Graball has resigned his very lucrative situation, -and that he thus relinquishes a thousand a year—_but_ he has received -another appointment with a salary of fifteen hundred. - -It is a fact that Mr. Skinflint put half-a-crown into the plate at the -last charity sermon—_but_ it was a bad one. - -It is a fact that the once dissipated and extravagant Mr. Meltall -remained at home every evening last week—_but_ he had no money to go out -with. - -It is a fact that the improvident and faithless Mr. Squander took up a -bill for ten pounds—_but_ he gave one for twenty on the previous day, in -order to accomplish the object. - -It is a fact that the master of one of the Union Workhouses shed a tear— -_but_ he was standing near the cook who was scraping horse-radish. - -It is a fact that Mr. Overhead can place his hand upon his heart, and -declare he does not owe a shilling in the world—_but_ he has just taken -the benefit of the Insolvent Act. - -It is a fact that Lord Stingy patronised the performances at Covent -Garden Theatre twice last season—_but_ he went with an order on each -occasion. - -It is a fact that the benevolent Mr. Bountiful gave his watch and purse -to a miserable object on Hounslow Heath—_but_ he perceived a stout -bludgeon peeping from beneath the rags of the mendicant. - -It is a fact that the coffer-dam of the Hungerford Suspension Bridge was -drained completely dry—_but_ it was full of water a week afterwards. - -It is a fact that Oxford Street is at last paved with wood—_but_ the -alteration has caused much annoyance to the heads of the parish. - -It is a fact that the Society for the protection of life against fire -were on the spot with their apparatus—_but_ it was two days after the -conflagration had happened. - -It is a fact that Mr. Feeling _expresses_ great sympathy for the poor— -_but_ he was never known to _feel_ in his pocket for their relief. - -It is a fact that some of the low-priced bakers give full weight—_but_ -they are very liberal of alum. - - - MARCH WINDS. - -The Meteorological Society held their great meeting on Waterloo Bridge, -to watch the nature of the March winds, and several very interesting -phenomena were made manifest. A member having placed himself in one of -the recesses, waited the coming of a gust from the north, and was -presently in a position to relate the following particulars. - -His first sensation was that of a severe blow in the face, which drew -moisture from both his eyes, and sent out his hair into a number of -almost horizontal lines, some of them forming right angles with his -forehead. On turning his back, for the purpose of further experiments, -his hat underwent such rapid rarefaction, that, becoming considerably -lighter than the air, it was carried, in a slanting direction, a few -inches from his head, when the expansive power of the atmosphere having -ceased to take full effect, the gossamer fell by its own specific -gravity to the earth, and revolved on its own axis as far as the -toll-gate. - -A most interesting experiment was then tried with an ordinary umbrella, -upon which, in its closed state, the March wind was found to have no -particular power, though it was ascertained that there was an equal -atmospheric pressure on every part of the gingham. On putting the -umbrella up, and presenting it to the wind, the holder of the machine -was carried gently backwards, but on his turning round, the sight became -very animating to the bystanders. The umbrella was completely turned -inside out, and, at length, the whole concern collapsed with a frightful -crash—the points to which the gingham was fastened being compressed -together in a reverse position to that which they were intended to -occupy. The iron rods attached to the whalebone immediately fell into -angular figures, and it was not thought advisable to proceed further -with the experiment. - -It was proved, beyond the possibility of doubt, that if the human eye be -kept wide open in a March wind, the dust will be carried upwards until -it reaches the organ of vision. This was experienced in two or three -cases; and an enthusiast in the cause repeated the experiment several -times, when it was found to fail in no single instance. - -[Illustration] - - - DISTRAINING FOR RENT.—A COURT LEVY. - - Hollo! What's this?—of dirty-looking fellows what a bevy! - It's the sheriff's people, I declare, coming to hold a levy; - It's true, since in the place I've been, no rent I've had to pay, - But they might give one a little quarter, at least, on quarter day. - They know I've paid some taxes, and surely might have waited, - For, like a book that's greatly puff'd, I'm sadly overrated; - The landlord surely did not think that I would have decamp'd, - Although by last year's water I was very nearly swamp'd. - They charge one dear for stuff that e'en to think of makes one shiver, - Much more to drink; I mean, of course, the fluid from the river; - By paying for it separate, as water, we're deluded, - For, when we come to use it, we find the gas included; - But, then, the Water Companies at trifles never stick, - They really lay it on, at times, abominably thick; - The tax collectors of distress will never make no bones, - I'm sure the paving board are, in their hearts, a set of stones. - And as for windows, 'tis a shame, a rate for them to levy, - Which makes, as every one allows, the light come precious heavy; - But what am I about? oh! dear, amid this long digression, - The broker's man's got in, and I have lost my self-possession! - - 5. A protocol signed, announcing Mehemet Ali's unconditional - submission to the Sultan. - - The Sultan now may stand at ease, - Though Mehemet made him tremble daily, - When Ali, bent upon a breeze, - Was regularly Haily Galey. - - 31. The Allied Sovereigns entered Paris, 1814, and on the last day - of the month ended their _march_. - - - COLD WATER. - - BY A PUPIL OF ONE OF THE LAKE POETS. - - Some sing the peaceful pleasures of the plains, - While other bards invoke the groves and woods; - But I, enamour'd of incessant rains, - Will make my theme cold water and the floods. - - Let others sit beneath the leafy shade, - While murmuring breezes softly float about; - But I in purling brooks delight to wade, - Or stand beneath some friendly water-spout. - - 'Tis sweet the nectar of the gods to quaff, - And very pleasant is the rosy wine; - Refreshing is the taste of "half-and-half," - But of all drinks cold water shall be mine. - - The verdant turf is grateful to the feet, - And some recline upon the mossy vale; - But smoothest lawns yield not so soft a seat, - As that afforded by a well-fill'd pail. - - Before another century has fled, - Water, thy virtues none will dare deny; - Posterity will humbly bare its head, - When thou in rain descendest from the sky. - - The workman, when his daily labour's done, - Eager alike for luxury and rest, - Will to his water-butt impatient run, - The spigot turn—lie under—and be blest! - - No longer to the couch will idlers fly, - When the siesta they would fain invite; - But 'neath the pump will indolently lie, - While lackeys work away with all their might. - - No more will builders try their utmost skill, - As now, to render houses waterproof; - But all their tiles in little holes they'll drill - And make a shower-bath in every roof. - - Economists will search in every street - For friendly water-spouts supplied with rain; - Where, gratis, they may with the luxury meet— - Ay, luxury!—of water on the brain. - - No more shall watering-pots their blessings shed, - Alone on vegetables, fruit, and flowers; - But man, reclining on a water bed, - Shall be refresh'd by gently falling showers. - - Umbrellas, also, will be only known - By specimens in old museums seen, - Which, as barbaric relics, will be shown - Of customs curious that once have been. - - And if some Macintosh (which now we wear, - To keep off wet) escape the wreck of time, - Posterity may find it, and declare - Such cruel things were made to punish crime. - - And when 'tis read in history's faithful page - That pickpockets were pump'd on, now and then, - Our children will despise a foolish age, - That so much honour'd such unworthy men. - - Then hail! all hail! to hydropathic skill, - Upon whose principles it stands confess'd, - That he who cisterns vast will freely swill - May dropsy cure—or water on the chest. - - For nauseous drugs no use there soon will be; - For salts, magnesia, senna, no pretence; - Dispensing chemists, all men will agree - To view as things with which they can dispense. - - Physic to agriculture they'll apply, - And write prescriptions for a sickly crop; - With fever mixtures, when the land's too dry, - Inflammatory action they will stop. - - In every farm, so modern _savans_ say, - A chemist will be always needed near; - For, if the corn unhealthiness display, - He'd dose it for diseases of the ear. - - - A PROVERB REFUTED. - - At the Surrey menagerie every one knows, - (Because 'tis a place to which every one goes,) - There's a model of Rome; and as round it one struts, - One sinks the remembrance of Newington Butts; - And having a shilling laid down at the portal, - One fancies one's self in the city immortal. - This model so splendid one night was burn'd down, - When, lo! the next day, 'twas announced to the town - That the damage had all been repair'd and put straight, - In time for the next zoological _fête_. - Then who is there henceforth will venture to say - That Rome cannot sometimes be built in a day. - - - IMPORTATION OF FOREIGN ASSES UNDER THE - NEW TARIFF. - - Oh! what on earth induced Sir Robert Peel - Such wondrous sympathy to feel - For that unprofitable class—the foreign ass? - When we have native asses by the score, - How could Sir Robert think we needed more? - But the provision is not worth a pin, - Which now, for twenty shillings, lets them in; - When they have all along been coming over, - For half a guinea, in the boats to Dover. - If with the common donkey we compare - The foreign asses—they display - A trifling difference of bray, - With coats peculiar, and lengthy hair. - Zoologists the jackass would describe - As of the vertebrated tribe, - But then there's so much softness in the head, - To the molluscous class, it might be said, - The foreign donkey throng—belong. - With further information all may meet, - On any afternoon, in Regent-street. - -9. Fire Insurances due. - - All those who don't wish their insurance to stop, - Out of policy wont let their policy drop; - And 'tis better, a premium though they require, - To be scorch'd in the _Sun_, than burnt out in the fire. - - - ODE TO SIGNOR RUBINI. - - Great vocalist! that tak'st, with wondrous ease, - A rapid passage on the highest C's; - Thy compass beats the mariner's quite hollow, - For where it leads none but thyself can follow; - And then the wind, at will, 'tis thou canst raise, - By gentle airs, for which the public pays; - Thy skill e'en that of Orpheus far surpasses, - He charm'd wild beasts, but thou enchantest asses, - As in their stalls—places for donkeys fit— - With ears erect the dilettanti sit. - When hanging on the honey of thy lip, - Mellifluous harmony we seem to sip; - And, listening to the strain sent forth by thee, - A paradise the opera would be, - But for the little truth our purses teach, - That we are _minus_ half a guinea each. - -[Illustration: - - British Museum 2043—Curiosities of Ancient Times. -] - - - THE BRITISH MUSEUM TWO HUNDRED - YEARS HENCE. - -The British Association for the Advancement of Science, which began its -meetings at Bristol, has since been strongly recommended to go to Bath; -and if it is not sent permanently to Coventry before the year 2043, we -may conceive its having reached by that time a state of stagnancy in the -neighbourhood of Bloomsbury. As there will, of course, be antiquarians -among them, imagination can easily picture them clinging fondly to St. -Giles's, as the quarter inhabited by the Anglo-Greeks; and the members -will, no doubt, be searching, a hundred years hence, for the fossil -remains of petrified crows in the neighbourhood of the Rookery. - -The following is an anticipatory report of the meeting of the -Association, after having been cradled in the laps of time during the -lapse of a couple of centuries. - - - REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE, APRIL 1, 2043. - -Your Committee have the satisfaction to state that, their funds being -thoroughly exhausted, they have been enabled to save the usual expense -of travelling, and have taken advantage of the liberality of the -Government for the purpose of visiting the British Museum. Your -Committee remained some time at the outer gate, for the purpose of -making some observations on two boxes, which it is understood have been -there for sentries; but, as they have not discovered what a sentry is, -your Committee conclude that the word must be a corruption of centuries. - -On going through the court-yard the Association made some experiments -upon the atmosphere, with the view of calculating the difference (by -means of the differential calculus) between the air inside the gates and -that which circulates on the outside; but your Committee are unable to -state any satisfactory result to their arduous experiment. - -On entering the hall of the Museum your Committee have to complain of -being deprived of their walking-sticks; but this annoyance was in some -degree compensated by their receiving in exchange some very curious -pieces of tin, which are, no doubt, of very ancient origin. They were at -once referred to the chairman of the mineralogical section, who -pronounced them to be the coin generally in use in the nineteenth -century, for the word tin is frequently met with, in old books, where -money is clearly the article alluded to. - -Upon reaching the great room your Committee were met by an officer of -the Museum, who conducted them over the building, and pointed out to -your Committee the chief objects of interest. - -The Association had the satisfaction of looking at a very ancient -machine, called the stocks, which served the double purpose of punishing -offenders and regulating the money market. The chairman of your -Committee was appointed to sit on the stocks, and did so for a -considerable time, in the course of which he fully ascertained how they -might have been available for punishment, but he is still at a loss to -discover the monetary uses which our ancestors evidently put them to. It -must be regarded as one of the lost arts, like chuck-farthing, and other -mysteries, which are now only left to us in the pages of history. - -Your Committee were greatly delighted by a series of portraits of a -tribe of individuals, carrying _flagelli_, or whips, and whose noses -were made the subject of a very learned paper by your president. The -extreme redness of the point was formerly supposed to arise from -drinking brandy; but your president having taken several successive -draughts of that spirit, without any peculiar redness in the nose -becoming immediately obvious, was prevented by exhaustion, ending in -utter prostration, from continuing his very ingenious and interesting -experiment. It is believed, by your Committee, that the redness of nose, -which was characteristic of the old _auriga_, or coach-driver, arose -from a constant habit of blushing, which the peculiar modesty of the -race, as it is found alluded to in reports of police cases in past ages, -would account for easily. - -But the great attraction to your Committee consisted in the two -celebrated figures of antiquity, known to the public as the Whig and -Tory, by whom, according to old writers, this country was torn for a -considerable period. Your committee congratulate themselves that they do -not live in those shocking times, when, according to contemporary -writers, the Whigs ruined the British Constitution four times in six -years, and the Tories gave, in the same period, eleven death-blows to -public liberty. How the Constitution ever was restored to health, or how -liberty was brought to life, has greatly puzzled your Committee; but -they have at last discovered that there were, in those days certains -pills which eradicated everything; and, as mention is made in old books -of various pillars of the state, your Committee have no hesitation in -attributing the wondrous cures to the means alluded to. - -Your Committee had almost forgotten to mention a very curious old -machine, called a drop; and, taken in connexion with the black-letter -phrase of "a drop too much," there can be no doubt that the drop now in -the Museum was that which is constantly spoken of as "too much," by the -old chroniclers. - -The remains of a gibbet also gave rise to a curious discussion in one of -the sections, and your Committee at last decided that the instrument was -used by a hanging committee attached to a society of painters, who, -under the pretext of executing justice, were in the habit of resorting -to all sorts of cruelty. - -The Association were likewise favoured with the perusal of a very scarce -old volume, mysteriously labelled, "A tax-gatherer's Book;" from which -your Committee are led to infer, that there were formerly a class of -marauders who traversed the kingdom, going from door to door, and -exacting sums of money from the inhabitants. To show the frivolous -pretexts that sufficed for these plunderers to carry on their system of -rapine, your Committee have only to observe that a demand was made on -account of light and air, which were actually in those days paid for by -the people in the form of what was called a window-tax. - -Your Committee having concluded their inspection of the British Museum, -returned into the open air; and a shower of rain coming on, they had an -opportunity of making a series of observations on the effect which -moisture produces upon the skin, and the power of the animal caloric, in -the human foot, to resist for a time the chill ultimately engendered by -walking into puddles. - - 1843.] MAY. - - - THE BOUNDARY QUESTION. - - The parlours of a house in Pleasant Row - Were occupied by Mrs. Snow; - The first-floor front and back - Were tenanted by Mrs. Black. - As neighbours, it is doubtful whether - They might not, perhaps, have lived and loved together, - But for their occupations ever clashing— - Both took in washing! - In quarrels they might ne'er have been entangled, - With bitter, friendship's cup had ne'er been dash'd, - If Mrs. Snow alone had wash'd, - Or had the fates ordain'd that Mrs. Black had mangled. - But destiny had otherwise decreed! - On the same house the passer-by might read - Two boards inscribed with letters large and clear, - "Washing done," said one; - The other, mocking, answered "here." - Heart-burnings soon arose, - Both wish'd to boil their clothes, - A wish, on either side, extremely proper, - Yet neither one was worth a separate copper. - But linen (as to all the world is known) - Is not got out of hand by being boil'd alone; - Another process it must needs abide— - It must be dried; - The operation of the tub - Was, in this instance, not the only rub! - In little houses it is always found, - The space is small allowed for drying ground. - Such was the fault in mapping out the Row - Inhabited by Mesdames Black and Snow; - The boundary question they could never settle, - The copper feud had put them on their mettle; - And, to this day, it's not agreed, in fine, - Where each shall be content to draw the line. - - - REPORT ON THE PUBLIC HEALTH.. - -The Commissioners for inquiring into the state of the public health have -forwarded to each of their assistants a copy of the following questions, -with instructions to put them to all persons residing in, visiting, or -passing through the district:— - -_Q._ How are you? - -This was the first and most obvious inquiry that the Commissioners -ordered to be addressed to the population; but, as the returns were by -no means so full as could be desired, it was determined to add another -question, which should distinguish those cases in which disease has been -inherited. For this purpose it was arranged that a second, or -supplementary question should be framed, and the Commissioners drew up -the following:— - -_Q._ How is your mother? - -To both these questions the Commissioners have received numerous -replies, most of them short and concise; but it has been observed that -considerable soreness has been exhibited in some cases, in which it has -been thought advisable to ask for information under the second head. The -habits, or, perhaps, the Commissioners ought rather to say, the -prejudices of the English people are averse to any investigation into -their domestic affairs; and many, when the health of their mothers has -been inquired into, have manifested a spirit that the Commissioners have -found very detrimental to the success of their efforts. - -It occurred to the Commissioners that the chemists' shops in poor -neighbourhoods would supply a vast mass of statistical information on -the subject of the public health, and they have ordered a return of all -the prescriptions made up within the last year, classing them under the -two heads of cathartic and stimulant. The Commissioners have also -ordered a schedule to be drawn up of all medicine-bottles purchased at -the rag-shops, and have instructed their assistants to drain the -contents of those which were not quite empty, for the purpose of -ascertaining their properties, with a view to classing them under the -heads already mentioned. - -It has been clearly ascertained that, in nine cases of acute tooth-ache, -in a very low neighbourhood, six "had it out," one applied a leech to -the gum, and two did nothing. In a series of ninety-four cases of cough, -it has been calculated that four ounces of Spanish liquorice were -consumed, while about one moiety of the patients very patiently waited -to see what time would do for them. - -The Commissioners observe, with regret, that the ordinary sneeze has -been lately prevalent, but it does not appear that any safe mode of -treatment has yet been discovered for checking it. The Commissioners -think it better to trust to nature in such a matter, though they have -known the operation of drawing the finger smartly along the bridge of -the nose, towards the forehead, sometimes successfully resorted to. - -[Illustration: - - A Set-of China-1843. -] - - - CHINA. - - _Private Letter from a Corporal in a Regiment forming part - of the Expedition._ - - ADAWED GAL, - -Here I am in Chainy, and its rather hominous that, after all your -jellessy of Nancy, I should have been brought to Chuse-Ann; but that's -nayther here nor their, for I've only my duty to my kernel, which lays -in a nutshel. If I'd a been one of the unattached, it would not have -signeyfied, but the War Office is nothing but stone, as anybody may see, -who looks at it with half a high, and the Horse Guards is, by natur, as -illumered as the illumernatured clock at the top of it. But never mind; -though Guvament sends my legs on a march that lasts from Jannivary to -Deesember, my art can stay in the deepot of your affexions. Yes, there, -without the aid o' barracks, it is reglarly barrackaded. But I spose -you'd like me to tell yer something about Chainy and the Chainees. Well, -yew no the plates called the villa pattern, with three fellers on a -bridge, looking as if they vus a goin fishin—the vun vith a boatook, -tother vith a deal board, and the thurd vith a cricket ball tied to the -hend uv a walkin stik. Nou, I dare say yew think that's a korrect drawin -of Chainees men and manner; but, spoonies as they are, I never seed 'em -makin such preshious hasses of themselves, as they are in all the plates -yure muther has of 'em. Then the tree with the horanges, is only to puff -off the real Chainy, as they sells for two a penny in the streets; -bekause if they vus only half as big as the hartist has made 'em they'd -be whoppers indeed, and the Chainees karacter is rayther the other way; -for they're always whopt themselves, instead of being whoppers. - -Ven I new I vus a goin to Chainy, I took a number of Chambers; I don't -meen that I highered a sweet of rooms, but I bort the Hinformation for -the Peeple, treatin (as they calls it, though one has to pay for the -treat) of Chainy. Akordin to the book, I find that the natives call -Chainy the middle country, and it really is among the middlins, for -everything about it is werry indifferent. The Great Wall runs so far -that one can't say where it goes to, vich is exakly the way with the -troops, though it's ony in the long run that they are anything like the -wall, for they don't behave at all like bricks in any other partickler. -A good deal has been said about the sighs of the Grate Wall of Chainy, -and won says won thing, and won another; so that I've come to the -konklusion that it's just as broad as it's long, and that settles it. -One side of the place is bounded by the Pacific; and I spose it's -bathing in the Pacific that makes the natives fight so preshusly shy of -fightin. I hunderstand the hurth used to be a good deal given to -hurthquaking; but the ground has given up that game, and the quakin -bisness is now dun by the military, who are no great shakes after all, -xsept in that rispect. - -The natives say that Chainy is older than the deluge, but this must be a -delugion. At hall events it's not much like a place of the furst vater. -I think they make a mistake about the time when the flood happened, for -they were overrun by a tremendous great Khan, who plunged them into hot -water, and poured the cream of the Tartar troops all over them. This -made such a heffervescence as never was; and as all the provinces was -swamped, it's like enuff they mistook the bursting out of this great -Khan for the reglar deluge. - -The Hemperor is called the Brother of the Moon; and I shouldn't wunder -if he's related in sum way, for I think he's crack'd, which is a common -thing enuff in Chainy. They say he's the father of his peeple, and the -mother two but I don't see how they make both of 'em aparent. The -Guvament robs the natives vith vun hand, and pitches into 'em vith the -other; so that betwixt being bamboozled and bambooed, they get a nice -time of it. They used to be werry klever in science, but they're losing -their hearts like winking; and though they don't paint particklarly good -picters, they're great dabs at colours. Indeed, dying is the only thing -they seems to excel in, as the returns of their killed will prove, to -anybody's satisfakshun. As to ourselves, I've very little noose—hardly -enuff to hang a line upon. Of korse you hurd of the affair at the Bogue, -and the pretty Tilt we had with 'em! but it was such a farce, that I -thought of sending the report to Messrs. _Tilt_ and _Bogue_, for their -Comic Allmyknack. The knavy of the poor fellers is quite stationary, -which means to say that it's little better than brown paper; and as to -their artillery, I don't believe their gunpowder would be strong enuff -to shake the nerves of an old washerwoman. The soldiers all of 'em ware -tails, and seem to be wery proud on 'em, for they always turn 'em to us -direktly they cum into akshun. Poor Lin, who was to be the grate card, -has turned out anything but a trump; and I shouldn't wonder if he gets -cut at last by a chop from the Hemperor. The Chainees are werry proud of -their feet, which I don't wunder at, considerin that, in battle, they -owe so much to 'em. The wumen's shoes are so small that it hinterferes -with rithmetic, and makes a foot only three or four inches. It only -shows how cramped they are in their hunderstandings. I've urd it said -that, sum day or anuther, the Chainees will adopt our abbits. Only fancy -the Hemperor in a coat down to his eels, and knee britches, vitch, they -say, will ewentually be the long and the short of it. As to our -fashonable kustoms, they'd easy enuff fall into them, for I've seen 'em -dance at a ball in the most natral manner. - -But I must konklude; for a Chainee regiment of 600 is cummin on, and I'm -ordered to relieve guard, with my six men, a quarter of an hour before -the time, so as to kill two burds with wun stone, by changing the -sentries and frightnin away the henemy.—Your dewoted - - MATHEW MUSKET. - - - THE COMPLETION OF THE TUNNEL. - -This stupendous work is finished, and Wapping has reason to be proud of -such a truly wapping undertaking. Perhaps no enterprise ever had so much -cold water thrown upon it, and never was there a project which it seemed -at one time so difficult to go through with. The engineer has worked -like a horse, and has scarcely ever been out of the shaft. - -The original shareholders, whose pockets were well drained, in fruitless -efforts to drain the tunnel, have now the satisfaction of once more -running through their property. For some time the ardour of the -projectors was damped by the works going on rather too swimmingly. When -accidents were every-day occurrences the Tunnel was a matter of -interest; but since the water has been effectually kept out, it has -become a dry subject. - -On more than one occasion the Company would have been swamped, in spite -of all hands being put to the pumps, if Government had not lent their -sucker. The funds, in fact, were at low-water mark long before the works -reached the same desirable point; and the more the Tunnel was set afloat -the more were the shareholders aground in their undertaking. - -But the perils are now past, and the Tunnel remains as a monument to -British enterprise. We should call it, perhaps, a pillar to the fame of -the engineer, if it were not that a pillar is incomplete without two -things, one of which—the shaft—has been taken away, while the -proprietors have long since lost sight of the capital. - - 1843.] JUNE. - - - THE CUP DAY AT ASCOT. - - Well, this is beautiful, I do declare! - The bustle makes the scene a perfect fair, - Only there's so much fraud with great and small, - That, at a race, there's nothing fair at all; - Now, clear the ground, that horse is sure to win! - What! that poor brute! it looks uncommon thin; - They call it thoroughbred, but all must own - The animal is more like thorough bone. - But, after all, its backers show their gumption, - The creature's in a galloping consumption; - And though for many months it cannot last, - It all the symptoms shows of going fast. - They're off! they're off! oh, what a slapping pace! - Here's the perfection of the human race. - That rider will be thrown, 'tis very plain, - The only chance now left him is the _mane_: - The race is over, and the sport is up; - We'll leave them to enjoy their stakes and cup. - Now for the wine—the hamper let's unpack, - The glasses can be ready in a crack. - Oh dear! look here! this is a sad to-do, - During the run the wine's been running too; - And shan't I get into a pretty scrape, - This borrow'd cloak is done for with the cape; - Of my best wine this is a pretty clearer, - I wish it were my cheaper, not Madeira. - Well, let us have a glass of port instead; - We can't, here's all the crust upon the bread. - 'Tis useless now to grumble at our fate, - We came to Ascot for the cup and plate; - While to our lot it has but chanced to fall, - That we see nothing in them after all! - - * * * * * - -1. Lord Howe's victory, 1794. - - The French, no doubt, had made a vow - To conquer—but they knew not How(e). - -21. Queen Victoria proclaimed. The longest day. - - The Queen proclaimed upon the longest day! - May this coincidence be not in vain; - But prove prophetic of her lengthen'd sway, - And to the longest day prolong her reign. - - - THE CHIMNEY-SWEEPER'S LAMENT. - - Upon my vord and honour I never know'd sich times, - The climbing-boys must emigrate, and go to other climes; - The Lords and Kemmins, and the Kveen—yes, she, and all, alas! - Has pass'd an act, the vich I call a werry pretty pass: - They've akshually made a law, vich says, or else implies, - Henceforth, in his purfession, no chimney-sweep shall rise. - They've closed agin us all the chimneys—isn't it a shame? - How would the politicians like all to be sarved the same? - Because if all the dirty vays of rising should be barr'd, - Then politicians on themselves would find it werry hard. - Vy take the law! It must be owned the road's uncommon black, - By vich they werry often rise to sit upon the sack. - If clean straightforward paths had been the only ones allow'd, - How many chancellors might still have swell'd the briefless crowd! - For dirty vays may often raise a knave that's keen and cool, - Who otherwise might get the sack, but not the sack of wool. - Oh! vot is to become on us, and vither shall we rush? - They tell us that ve mustn't sweep, and yet they bid us brush. - Its vatchful eye on all but us the public kindly keeps, - They've got Humane Societies for everything but sweeps - Mayhap because the soot upon our faces does perwail, - Society believes that we are not within its pale; - But never mind, I'll emigrate, and then I'll live at ease, - Though chimneys I'm forbid to sweep, at least I'll sweep the seas; - And of the natives to make friends I'll do my best to try, - But if they run, vot then?—I'm used to see blacks fly. - Or else to China I vill go, indeed I do not joke, - To stop the trade in opium, by curing all the smoke. - 'Tis true I love my native land; but then, agin, you see, - My lucky I'm obliged to cut, because it has cut me: - But now good bye, I must not waste more time in idle talks, - And since my future walk's chalk'd out—at once I'll walk my chalks. - - - WHAT'S TO BE DONE WITH THE PARISH 'PRENTICES? - - Poor little Jim, so short and slim, - A sweep alone, before, would take him; - But since the law's new sweeping clause, - The parish must a _grow-sir_ make him. - -[Illustration: - - Science under Divers forms. -] - - - REMARKS ON THE WEATHER. - -Perhaps the best method of ascertaining the fact of its being warm or -cold is to go out into the air; but if you are unable to do this, and a -person coming in from out of doors is seen to rub his hands, you may -presume that the atmosphere is chilly. - -An infallible method of ascertaining whether it is wet is to watch the -puddles in the streets, and if you see them agitated you may conclude -that rain is descending. - -If there has been a frost at night you may look for ice in the morning, -and, in winter, if you have no thermometer, you may get some valuable -information from the state of your pitcher. - -The rattling of tiles overhead indicates wind; and a descent of soot -down your chimney foretells rainy weather. - -The approach of winter may generally be prognosticated by a general -display of Chesterfield Wrappers, at the doors of cheap tailors' shops; -but when 25,000 straw bonnets are seen in linendrapers' windows, spring -may be confidently looked forward to. - -When the water-carts are particularly active you may expect rain; and if -a flash of lightning is visible, prepare for thunder. - -When you see the advertisement of a flower-show, it would be prudent to -provide yourself on the day named with an umbrella. - -If your water has not come into your cistern, you may conclude there has -been frost, unless you happen to be in arrear with your rates, when the -phenomenon may be otherwise accounted for. - - - SCIENCE UNDER DIVERS FORMS. - - _Letter from a Passenger on Board the Submarine Steamer._ - -Well, here we are, safe and sound at the bottom of the Bay of Biscay, -where we intend to sleep one night, for the purpose of testing the -qualities of the bed of the ocean, which consists, as you will suppose, -of several sheets of water, and plenty of wet blankets, with billows -instead of pillows on the top of it. - -Not being able to keep my head above water I determined on making a bold -plunge, and therefore took my passage in the submarine steamer, where -several others, who were, like myself, over head and ears, were anxious -to keep out of the way, and having sunk all my available capital, I -thought it better to sink myself by way of looking after it. - -We have had a very delightful voyage, but we met on our way with some -very odd fish, who stared rather rudely in at our cabin windows, and a -party of lobsters looked exceedingly black as we passed very near to -them. The mermaids were much alarmed at first, but soon became -reconciled to our appearance, and, when we talked of weighing our -anchor, they, with much simplicity, offered us the use of their scales. - -You are aware that a company is forming for the purpose of turning the -tide of emigration towards the bottom of the sea; and if people can live -under water, they ought not, from mere motives of pride, to be above it. -There will, of course, be some difficulty in dealing with the natives, -but we have taken the precaution to treat with an influential oyster, -who, however, keeps extremely close, and, if he will not manifest a -little more openness, it is expected that war to the knife must be -resorted to. We at first anticipated some hostility from the sharks, -but, as we purposely abstained from bringing any lawyers among the first -settlers, we have now very little fear of a collision on account of -conflicting interests. - -The appearance of our vessel has caused a considerable sensation among -the inhabitants of the ocean, but we have followed the plan of the early -emigrants to strange parts, and endeavoured to propitiate the various -fish by trifling presents. We threw a box of antibilious pills to a -large party of Cockles, and we pitched overboard a quantity of false -collars to a group of salmon, whose gills seemed sadly out of condition. -We also distributed copies of Crabbe and Shelley to as many of the -crustaceous fish as approached near enough to our vessel to enable us to -do so; while to a dog-fish we presented a fine specimen of bark, which -he did not appear very much to relish. We met on our way down with one -of the white sharks, which are known to be the terror of mariners. The -creature stared at us with both its eyes, and, while we maintained an -awful silence, the shark seemed to respond to our muteness by holding -its jaw in the most alarming manner: the extended cavity of its -frightful mouth presented a harrowing exhibition, and it seemed as if, -like other exhibitions, it might be "open from ten to four," and then it -would have been ten to one if we had escaped from being drawn into it. -The tremendous teeth seemed clearly to indicate that there would be "no -admittance except on business," and we at length sheered off from sheer -timidity. - -If we can only manage to get up a colony down here, there will be plenty -of patronage at our disposal; and if we are allowed the appointment of a -bishop, where can there be a finer see than that which is here open to -him? I have already issued prospectuses of a grand _Oceanic Agricultural -Association_, to be established for the purpose of regularly ploughing -the deep, and dividing the proceeds among the shareholders. I state, in -my advertisement, that, as we know the sea has produced sea-weed, we may -reasonably expect that other vegetable matter may be reared, and as -irrigation is the chief expense of agriculture, the saving in the -article of water alone must keep the thing afloat—to say nothing of what -will naturally flow into the coffers of the company. - -I must now conclude my letter, for the vessel is about to start; and, as -"tide and time wait for no man," you will perceive that I am so far tied -to time as to be unable to add more than that I am - - Your right down friend at the bottom, - DAVID DRINKWATER. - -P.S.—We have not yet visited the extensive locker of Davy Jones, -Esquire, but we intend very shortly doing so. - - * * * * * - -30. Penn died, 1718. - - 'Tis very obvious that science then - Had not found out the everlasting pen. - -[Illustration: - - THE TAX UPON PROPERTY. -] - - 1843.] JULY. - -[Illustration] - - - EFFECTS OF THE INCOME-TAX. - -Everybody is beginning to draw in to meet the necessity for pulling out. -Tradesmen are reducing their expenses in all directions, and a -respectable grocer has just dismissed an assistant who suited him to a -T. A cook-shop boy, who used to be kept purposely to carry out the -provisions to the customers, has been sent away, in order to enable the -proprietor to carry out the provisions of the income tax. A large -linendrapery house in the Westminster Road has cut off "a young man," -who is thus thrown, as it were, as a burden on the rest of the -community. - -Individuals in a respectable sphere of life, who could formerly keep a -page, have been obliged to turn over a new leaf; and it is a positive -fact that a Conservative peer intends, in the ensuing Session, putting -down a Brougham. - -But it is not only among old and established interests that the burden -will be felt, for it is ascertained beyond doubt that the boys will be -alarming sufferers. The toffey dealers have already commenced -manufacturing an inferior article, which is being palmed off upon the -juveniles as the genuine Everton. We have personally analysed a piece of -Albert rock, under the new system, and we have discovered an increased -proportion of sand in its composition. It is also a lamentable fact that -a baked potato man has stopped up—we hope not permanently—one of the -chimneys of his apparatus, besides extinguishing one of the fine -lanterns with which it is adorned—a piece of retrenchment that will fall -first on the oilman, and ultimately on the whale-fishing interests. - -An influential publican has shockingly reduced his only potboy, and the -unhappy lad is walking about the streets on a salary four _per cent._ -under that of last year—a miserable victim to the income-tax, and a -martyr (of course) to Tory ascendancy. - -Respectable families, who never before considered the matter worth a -thought, are looking narrowly to the candle-ends, giving, it is true, a -momentary impulse to the trade in save-alls, but the flush is feverish, -and will, of course, be followed by depression. The perquisites thus -lost, by a stoppage in the kitchen-stuff commerce, can only be made up -by the servants taking it out of their masters' bones, which used -formerly to be abandoned to the grubbers, who must in future look for -grub in some other direction. - -The penny-a-liners have also been lowered, in order to enable some of -the newspaper proprietors to pay the income-tax, but it is expected this -reduction will be counterbalanced by the increase in the number of cases -of real distress, and the other raw articles which form the staple of -paragraphs. - - - AIR-UM SCARE-UM TRAVELLING. - - "Who's for the excursion round the moon? - Here's the 'Original Fly Balloon.'" - "Is it this that calls - At the top of St. Paul's, - Where I'm to take up my wife and babby?" - "No, sir, it's not ours; - We only touch at the towers - Of Westminster Abbey." - - We stop at the Great Bear, - To take in air; - Then at once, without waiting at all, we fly on, - In hopes of being in time to hear - Some of the music of the sphere, - Accompanied by the band of Orion. - What a funny sensation it is the clouds to enter: - Oh, don't you know the reason why - You feel rather comic when up in the sky? - 'Tis caused by your distance from gravity's centre. - - But here's the Zodiac, where we dine, - The Bull or the Lion is the sign; - To stop at Aquarius does not answer, - But we call to-day at the Crab, if we _Can-sir_. - Here's a lawyer wants to be starting soon, - To watch the action of the moon; - A barrister wishes much to know - If a place is vacant, that he may go - To study the laws of the stars' rotation, - With them keep pace, - As they roll through space, - And join their circuit in the long vacation. - - The day of railways will be o'er, - And steam will be esteem'd no more, - When the result is seen - Of the experiment of Mr. Green, - Who says he can, as a matter of course, - In a balloon the Atlantic cross; - And, by way of proving he can, - He shows us a part of his plan, - Which looked, in miniature, very neat, - At the Polytechnic in Regent Street, - And answered, the truth to tell, - Uncommonly well, - As far as it went; but, the fact to say, - It went but a very little way. - -[Illustration: - - Air-um Scare-um Travelling. -] - - No one could doubt the success of the notion, - If Hanover Square - One might compare - To the wide Atlantic Ocean. - It's a very fine thing, - To take hold of a string - Attached to a pretty toy balloon, - Guiding it easily either way, - And undertaking to say - The Atlantic may be traversed soon, - By similar means; - Which will be credited by men - When all the world are Greens, - But not till then! - - - TAKING OF NINGPO. - - When Ningpo fell, it was, in fact, - To the Chinese an awful stunner; - They fled in ranks so closely pack'd - As to remind one of _Co-runner_. - - - VICTORY OF GENERAL SALE. - - It was enough-oh! was it not? - To turn with fright the Indians pale, - When knock'd down in an awful lot, - Without reserve, by General Sale. - - - OVERLAND MAIL ARRIVED FROM INDIA. - - I really cannot understand - How in its speed there's aught to brag on, - When the mail journeys overland, - Convey'd from India by a Wagho(r)n. - - AUGUST. [1843. - - - GARDENING DIRECTIONS FOR AUGUST. - -Blow off dust from plants in flower—using the mouth for the more -delicate sorts, and taking the bellows for those that are of stronger -constitution. Pull back ivy from adjacent gardens, and train up against -your own wall, with pieces of old waistcoating. - -For borderings, you may now resort freely to the planting of -oyster-shells, which you can procure in large quantities from the boys, -after the grottos are demolished. It is not advisable to have recourse -to box, though, if you have planted it very close in the previous -season, you may fill up the spaces that you will now find, with the -oyster-shells. They are not so liable to be attacked by the grubs, and -the cats do not displace them so readily by running over them. - - - THE LONG VACATION. - - Poor briefless one! thy furrowed face - For thy profession shows thy fitness; - And in its parchment lines we trace, - Too plainly, "These indentures witness." - - Thy gown, thy bag, and all around, - Bespeak thine utter desolation; - Thy purse would lank and void be found— - Yes, all proclaims the long vacation. - - Thy voice in court is always mute; - For known to all thy friends the fact is, - That, to thy melancholy flute, - Thou dost confine thy chamber practice. - - They think thy clerk must sure enjoy - A sinecure—they much mistake; - They little know the wretched boy - Both cleans thy boots, and cooks thy steak. - - Thy friends predicted unto thee - A judgeship; pray excuse my broaching - A theme that must unpleasant be, - Though to the bench thou art approaching. - - Be of good cheer! perhaps, at last, - Fate may with some appointment bless thee, - And all thy present trials past, - In "brief authority" still dress thee. - -[Illustration: - - Show of Hands for a Liberal Candidate. -] - - - SHOW OF HANDS FOR A LIBERAL CANDIDATE. - -The borough is in commotion; the public spirit of the place, which is -cold without excitement, has become warm with; and every one, with the -understanding of an infant, is in arms for one or the other of the -candidates. - -The bill-stickers are beginning to stick up for the different parties to -the approaching contest, and a linendraper has cut his principles to -ribbons by selling his favours to both sides. The Liberal candidate has -just come into the town, and has taken an oath that he will not spend a -shilling in the contest; so that, unless his agents understand business -better than he does, his return to Parliament is out of the question; -but his return to the place from whence he came would be the wisest step -possible. - -The Tory candidate has taken another course, and all the voters in his -interest are reeling drunk about the streets, prepared to fight, or in -fact to do anything but to stand up for him. - -The nomination took place yesterday, when the show of hands was -decidedly in favour of the Liberal; but, on the Tory being proposed, -there was an extensive show of cabbage-stalks, one of which was -transplanted into the eye of the honourable candidate. Most of the hands -that were held up had something upon the nail; and it is generally -rumoured that all the ten-pounders were loaded to the muzzle, at a -dinner given by a committee-man from London, on the popular side, who -ran away with the money entrusted to him to pay the bill, rather than -damage the good cause by letting in a proof of agency. He preferred, -like a true patriot, letting in the landlord. - -The Corn Laws are, of course, the subject of much difference of opinion; -and one of the candidates is in favour of a sliding scale, while the -other declares that skates are the only things that ought to come in -upon it. He expressed also his conviction that we have no less an -authority than that of Lord Nelson for resisting, and even for evading -the fixed duty; "for," he exclaimed, "were not these the last words of -the gallant hero—'England expects every man to do his duty'?—which is -equivalent to a strong recommendation to every man 'to do' the -authorities who collect the duty at the custom-house." - -The Income Tax has caused an immense sensation in the borough, and the -blind beggar who stands at the corner of the street, who evidently sees -the matter in its true light, is indignant at having to expose the -amount of his earnings. He says it is an immoral law, for it places a -tax on the offerings of benevolence; but he admits that the Tariff -offers him some equivalent, by letting in timber at a lower rate, and -giving buoyancy to the trade in lucifers. Many declare they do not know -what their income is, and on being told they must find it out, reply -that they certainly cannot find it at home; while others, when called on -for a return of what they have made, ask for a return of what they have -lost, a query by which the assessor is generally much mystified. Moore -and Murphy have sent back their papers without filling them up, but in -answer to the demand for an account of their last year's profits, have -sent copies of their respective almanacks, in every line of which "no -prophets" is glaringly written. - -Our Liberal candidate speaks very plainly on the subject, and declares -that he would rather see his constituents without any incomes at all, -than that they should be liable to the odious measure. His views on the -Tariff are of the same bold and startling character. He denounces the -Government for letting in more asses, and plainly tells the electors -that they ought to stand up for themselves, and assert the sufficiency -of native asses for all reasonable purposes. - -The Tory has been trying the old game of kissing the children, and -chatting with the wives, but the independent electors are not to be -gammoned in this manner, as they formerly used to be. He nursed Mrs. -Snooks's twins for half an hour yesterday, and having had them so long -in his arms, he, of course, spoke the truth when he said he knew what it -must be to have a young family on one's hands, and how very glad the -parents must be to get them off as soon as possible. He has also bought -cats enough, at ten pounds a head, to stock an island the size of St. -Kitts; but ten to one if the voters come to the scratch after all, and -if they do there will be the clause in the new act that will be sure to -catch hold of him. The election will proceed to-morrow, and arrangements -have been made with an extensive rubbish carter to bring up the -out-voters, who are expected to prove regular out-and-outers in favour -of the Liberal. The Tory is compelled to resort to the truck system, on -account of his opponent having taken all the other modes of conveyance, -and there is no doubt that a vehicle for party purposes will be made of -it. - -The hustings have just come to the earth with a frightful crash, the -scaffolding having given way just as a poll was being loudly demanded. -The confusion was, of course, dreadful. An unbending Whig fell on to the -bald head of a Tory; and a stickler for the "five points," which are -always in his mouth, received between his teeth the end of a -walking-stick. A free-trader, who expresses openly his antipathy to -anything in the shape of protection, was fortunately saved by a plank -falling in a slanting direction over him; and a well-known participator -in the late strike got a severe blow on both arms, which must keep the -hands unemployed for a long period. The rival candidates are being -looked for among the rubbish, and a man is at work with a spade, so that -it may be supposed then situation is somewhat _infra dig._ at present. -Both must have received a few plumpers, and the state of their -respective polls must be rather unsatisfactory. - - * * * * * - - 7. Hammersmith Suspension Bridge, 1825. - - The bridge is hung in chain extremely neat, - The workmen's arduous task, 'tis true, is ended, - And uniformity is made complete, - For—like the bridge—the profits are suspended. - - * * * * * - - 15. A Treaty concluded between the Danish and British governments, - relative to the passage of the Sound. The affair was managed by - means of Mr. Curtis's voice-conductor. - -[Illustration] - - - A POETICAL REPORT OF THE DOVER CROPPING CASE. - - In Dover jail two actors were locked up to wait for bail: - They had committed a most grave offence 'gainst common sense; - For, out of empty boxes, - Pit, and galleries, - They hoped one of the cunningest of Foxes - Would pay their salaries. - But this was not to be; - And so, to settle matters in a crack, - They both resolved, if they fell short, that he, - At least, should have his whack. - The managers' exchequer, it was known, - Was one of those allowed by all to be - To cash related in the same degree - As blood to stone. - The two comedians demanded cash! - The manager, (his plan was rather rash), - Upon their absence of attraction, - His actors did begin to twit, - When it was proved to more than satisfaction - That two of them, at least, could make a hit. - "Stop," "stop!" exclaim'd the manager, enraged, - "Nor plant your weighty blows upon my nose; - You for the heavy business are not both engaged." - But now in Dover jail confined, - To pass the time while bail is coming, - They both for singing feel inclined, - And well-known tunes they set to humming; - But soon the jailor, passing by, prepares - To make them stop their singing, - And, as they wont, a pair of scissors bringing, - He comes, and straight cuts short their _(h)airs_. - "'Twas right, no doubt," said Justice Lout, - But Graham thought "quite t'other;" - And so the jailer bundled out, - Nor stopp'd to tell his mother. - - - INFANT EDUCATION. - BABY-LONIAN UNIVERSITY. - -The grand aim of modern infant education is to make learning very -attractive; to invest Lindley Murray with a magnetic power over the -pupil's mind, and dress Dilworth in an adhesive plaster that shall cause -all the little boys in the kingdom to stick to it. If Mavor's Spelling -can be converted into a magic spell, there is a hope that the infant -population may be charmed into an appreciation of _ba_, _be_, _bi_, -_bo_, _bu_; and such will be the progress of education that we may have, -before the expiration of a century, universities at which the wet nurse -and the professor may be alike required to attend to the physical and -intellectual wants of the infant students. A Bachelor of Arts will not -only be entitled to the distinction of B.A., but may add the letters -B.Y. to complete his description. It has already been suggested that -philosophy should be taught by toys, and it will be easy to give a -lecture on the laws of motion, illustrated by a game at marbles, or to -explain the theory of equations by reference to the pleasing pastime of -nine-pins. - -The _Pons Asinorum_, that has puzzled many of our modern youth, will be -much more easily overcome when a real donkey-ride is resorted to; and -the difficult process of looking for the square root will be greatly -facilitated by a spade, when the student finds himself sent forth to dig -in the garden of science. - -Already has the worthy Mr. Wilderspin introduced, in many places, the -agreeable system of making fun of school; and if he would only consent -to put his infant pupils into the fantastical caps and gowns which are -worn at the universities, the joke would be still richer than it is at -present. "To that complexion we shall come at last;" and if education is -to be made game of, the sooner we go "the whole hog," the better. - -The following is an extract from a report that is intended to illustrate -the enormous success of the Wilderspin system:— - -_Teacher._ What is this I hold in my hand? - -_Children._ A piece of glass. - -_Teacher._ What can you do with it? - -_Children._ Scrape slate pencil. - -_Teacher._ What else? what can your eyes do with it? - -_Children._ Look at it. - -[Illustration: - - BABY-LONIAN UNIVERSITY—In advance of the age. -] - -_Teacher._ If you put it to your eye can you see through it? - -_Children._ Not if you shut your eye. - -_Teacher._ Can you break glass? - -_Children._ We'll try (_one child breaks a window_). - -_Teacher._ Then glass is brittle? - -_Children._ Rather. - -_Teacher._ Will the shutter break? - -_Children._ We are not going to try that. - -_Teacher._ (_Striking the shutter violently_). Now, what have I done? - -_Children._ Made a great noise, and hurt your own knuckles. - -_Teacher._ What is wax? - -_Children._ A soft substance. - -_Teacher._ Is there any other sort of wax that is not soft? - -_Children._ Yes, the whacks you give us when we don't know our lessons. - -_Teacher._ What does a cow give us? - -_Children._ Nothing. - -_Teacher._ Well, what does the milkman give us? - -_Children._ He gives us nothing; we buy it. - -_Teacher._ What do we buy from him? - -_Children._ Milk and water. - -_Teacher._ What's this? - -_Children._ A frying-pan. - -_Teacher._ What use does your mother make of it? - -_Children._ She sometimes beats father about the head with it. - -_Teacher._ Has your mother got a mangle? - -_Children._ No, she's sold it. - -_Teacher._ What colour is the orange? - -_Children._ Orange colour. - -_Teacher._ How large is this orange which I hold in my hand? - -_Children._ As big again as a half. - -_Teacher._ How long will oranges keep in this climate? - -_Children._ Not a day, when you get hold of them. - -_Teacher._ That will do; you may go home. - -_Children._ Thankee, sir. - - OCTOBER. [1843. - - - INDIAN RUBBER. - -The Society for washing the physical blackamoor morally white, and -altering the complexion of Indian society, has sent out 1000 copies of -"Major A. on Short Whist," in the hope that a friendly rubber may do -more towards rubbing off the rust of barbarism than any other -hitherto-attempted experiment. It is thought by the Society in question -that, as among Europeans those who are called blacklegs generally -succeed best at cards, the niggers, who have the advantage of being -black all over, may compete successfully with the most accomplished -member of Crockford's. The reports on the subject are not yet very -encouraging, for though there can be but one odd trick in the course of -a single deal, the Indian disciples of Major A. perform a series of the -very oddest tricks all through the game; and when their instructor -endeavoured to make them understand, by signs, that clubs were led, they -followed suit in good earnest, and began scoring away at a tremendous -rate with their tomahawks. It is feared that the idea of teaching the -blacks by the card must be discarded. The only game for which they show -a natural inclination is cribbage, at which their hands are always -excellent. - -Among the observations and notes of the emissaries sent out by the -Society, we find it recorded, as a curious fact in natural history, -that, though perfectly black in the hand, the Indians have all the -characteristics of the light-fingered population of this country. - -It is thought impossible to wean the natives at once from the eccentric -habit of scalping; but it has been ingeniously suggested that the -propensity may be directed to proper objects, and it is in contemplation -to put pots of porter before one of the tribes, when, if they proceed as -usual to decapitation, leaving nothing but the headless beer, it will -not at all signify. - - - STOPPAGE OF THE MILLS. - - Indeed, I never saw the like, - Our minds with wonder it must fill, - Though mills ensue when people strike, - The strikes have stopp'd full many a mill. - -29. Raleigh beheaded. You don't say so? raly! - -[Illustration: - - The Height of Improvement—putting up the Shutters. -] - - - THE HEIGHT OF IMPROVEMENT. - - Where will improvement stop? - Oh! why will tradesmen soar - Wildly from floor to floor, - Instead of sticking to the shop? - Glass - Never, till now, was brought to such a pass. - - If Smith should pull his shop-front down, - Straightway at demolition's work goes neighbour Brown. - Some facts disclosed of late - Have opened people's eyes a little, - Showing that glass concerns are sometimes brittle, - And houses may be dished that put their strength in plate. - - It would be well enough if all were fair, - And, like the windows, quite upon the square; - But 'tis not so, - Because we know - Appearances are seldom worth a pin; - Windows and doors immense - Are often a pretence - For letting people in. - - Such large concerns - Have sometimes small returns; - And when into a scrape they fall, - The creditors look black, - And want their money back, - Or else their goods, of which there's no return at all. - - 'Tis wonderful, but true, - People are caught by the delusion; - 'Tis odd that glass in such profusion - Is not at once seen through. - How vain to cut a temporary dash, - If, after all, - The windows fall, - With a tremendous smash; - But still they find a falling off in gains, - Who take less _panes_. - - In walking down a London street, - Our gaze what strange announcements meet! - One would suppose, - From many a placard, when you've read it, - That bankruptcy were quite a credit: - And so it is for what one knows - "A Bankrupt's Stock!—look here! - The premises we needs must clear!" - And this is often true; - For clear the premises they do. - - And when to carry all before them they're inclined, - They sometimes take good care there's nothing left behind - That assignees can take, - A dividend to make. - And when their books are brought - Before the Court, - Their ledgers to explain - Would puzzle one professing leger-demain. - - If shop enlargement should proceed - Beyond its present height, - Some new invention we shall need - For shutting up at night. - The mania did begin - In building palaces for selling gin; - But the infection's regularly caught - By tradesmen now of every sort: - We soon shall see - Tripe from gilt columns hung, - Or sausages festooned and slung - From cornices of richest filigree; - Liver, illumined by the strongest lights, - Will tempt the passer-by at nights; - In mirrors, whose reflection - Is skilfully on all sides thrown. - For general inspection - Hap'orths of cats' meat will be shown. - - But here we needs must stop, - Quite beaten in the race; - With the extravagances of the shop - Imagination can't keep pace! - -[Illustration] - - - THE RIGHT OF SEARCH. - - Come, turn out your pockets, and empty your purse, - Produce your account-books, your income to show; - If embarrassed, exposure will make matters worse, - And perhaps 'twill be better the sooner you go. - - On the margin of ruin suppose that you stand, - Oh say, man of trade, can it matter a pin - If prying commissioners lend you a hand, - To the gulf that's beneath you, to tumble you in! - - Then out with your ledger; 'tis true that you owe - Unto the assessor himself some hard cash; - But perhaps, after all, it is right he should know, - And sell you up first, lest he lose by your smash. - - With America lately we've had a great fuss, - About right of search, and the boundary line; - But at home, in exerting the right upon us, - To keep within bounds the assessors decline. - - Then do not discourage a neighbour who'd pry; - For though for awhile his design you may baulk, - He'll be certain to know your concerns by-and-by, - For e'en the discreetest assessor _will_ talk. - - Though you lose by your business, oh why should you care, - If the fact is presented to every one's view? - For if your account-books no profit declare, - Though it's nothing to others—it's _nothing to you_. - - - SOCIALISM.—"NEW HARMONY." - - Oh, Socialism is a pretty thing - For bards to sing: - And Harmony's a title worth some guineas, - To take in ninnies; - And make them fancy that a place which revels - In such a name as "Harmony," must be - A spot where men like angels all agree, - Instead of quarrelling, as they do, like devils. - The harmony of such a place - Is thorough base! - They've everything in common, so they say; - Even not uncommon wives: perchance they may; - And, if the principle they carry through, - The babies may be sometimes common, too; - Making it puzzling, rather, - For some of them to find their father. - Of goods there is community, - Leading, of course, to unity; - If four-and-twenty Socialists require, - At the same time, the kitchen fire, - A chop to fry, - Who shall to any one the right deny? - For Owen says that every man, - In his community, shall use the frying-pan, - Just when and where, and how he may require. - So brotherly love - Permits him to shove - All who impede him, from (or into, perhaps) the fire - And then, how very strange - Their labour they exchange! - The cobbler who would like a dish - Of fish, - Goes to the fishmonger and heels a shoe, - Then carries off a sole or two. - The lawyer wants a coat—a decent fit; - To pay the tailor's bill - He need but make the tailor's will, - Or serve him with the copy of a writ. - -[Illustration: - - NEW HARMONY—All Owin'—No payin'. -] - - A comic singer wants a brilliant ring! - He takes it, and begins to sing - A comic song, - Proportionably long; - And when of stanzas there are _quantum suff._, - Of his own labour he's exchanged enough; - Thus, by a due exertion of his wits, - He with the jeweller may soon cry quits. - "'Tis true, 'tis pity; pity 'tis 'tis true," - That when the Socialists their plans endeavour - To put in force, although successful never, - Yet, in one sense, they of it make "a do:" - Their landlord they would gladly pay, - If he, to take his rent, - In labour were content: - But as he wont do that, they run away. - It is a sect, I vow, - That's much run after now; - And Socialists are followed more - Than ever they had been before. - It's rather funny - That they who rail at cash as worst of human curses, - Should, out of other people's purses, - Take so much money. - Some think that honesty requires - All to their means should limit their desires; - But Socialism rather leans - To measuring its wants by other people's means. - Brotherly love may be all very well in its way, - But one would rather avoid its display, - When the warmth of affection - Is shown in a predilection - (To Socialists often known) - Of treating other folk's goods as their own. - But now we bid adieu to Mr. Owen, - Who very long the game had carried on; - Three times he set it—"going, going, going," - And, like himself, knock'd down at last—'tis gone! - -[Illustration] - - - CHRISTMAS BEEF A LA MODE DE TARIFF. - - "_Beef à la mode de Tariff_," well I ween - To such lean cattle very few will lean. - It really passes all belief, - No wonder foreigners a'n't fond of beef. - Poor beasts, 'tis very clear - To any one possess'd of gumption, - That if they'd not come over here, - They'd have been carried off by home consumption. - At Christmas time, such beef to eat, - None would consider _meet_. - Surely the duty upon cattle laid, - For them was most unjustly paid, - When the new tariff would have let them in, - As what they are—mere skin. - If better beef than this is to the French unknown, - It must be very clear, - When it comes over here, - That what to them is _bon_—to us is _bone_. - - - THE FLEET MERGED IN THE QUEEN'S BENCH. - - Sure England's naval glory now is past, - No more can poets to it write their odes; - The Fleet is swamp'd—yes, it is merged at last, - Not in the Yarmouth, but the Borough Roads. - -15. Izaak Walton died, 1683. - - Death at the stream of life's a constant dangler, - And on this day for Walton was an angler. - - - THE MILITIA. - -This fine old force is still upon a peace footing, and the Government -has refused new regimentals to any of the men, who are nearly all grown -too corpulent to wear their old ones. The coat of the colour-sergeant of -the Lancashire Lights has been pieced in the back, and is now made to -meet in front; and a false hem having been made to his regulation ducks, -he is enabled, by the aid of very lengthy straps, to wear the uniform of -the regiment. The band has dwindled to a solitary drum, and, as the War -Office will not allow of any augmentation, the adjutant, who plays a -little on the flute, takes a part on public occasions, when the staff is -expected to attend muster. - -There is now a field day once in six months, when the regiment, which -consists of seven superannuated sergeants and one private, go through a -sham fight; and on the last occasion they carried the pound by a _coup -de main_, in spite of the beautiful manœuvring of the adjutant, who -personated the garrison. - -During the recent strike in the North the militia's instructions were to -act as a reserve, and they followed the recommendation to the letter, -for such was their modesty that they were not to be drawn out from their -_dépôt_ on any pretext whatever. The thanks of the city were afterwards -presented to the adjutant in a congreve box, and he received an -autograph letter from the mayor, speaking strongly of the forbearance -that the militia had exhibited. - -[Illustration: - - PEACE ESTABLISHMENT -] - - - CHRONOLOGY FOR THE YEAR 1842. - - - JANUARY. - -17th.—Prince Albert laid the first stone of the new Royal Exchange. -Every one present greatly admired the manner of the Prince, and the -stone itself was particularly struck by him. - -25th.—A holiday at the Law Courts. Nothing doing, and nobody done. - -31st.—The King of Prussia visited Newgate in the morning, and Drury Lane -Theatre at night. His Majesty saw murderers at both places, and admired -the new drop at each. - - - FEBRUARY. - -3rd.—The Queen opened Parliament in person with a speech from the -throne, showing her readiness at all time to put in her spoke for the -common wheel. - -20th.—The Corn Law Debate brought to a close. The duty of eight -shillings a quarter objected to by a county member, on the ground that -it would amount to thirty-two shillings a year. - - - MARCH. - -11th.—Sir R. Peel made his financial statement, and declared his -intention of increasing the duty on whisky; an announcement that had not -the effect of raising Irish spirits. - -16th.—The day fixed for the earthquake that was to have broken London -into little bits. It, however, broke nothing but its appointment. - -18th.—The Queen and Prince Albert having visited Drury Lane Theatre, the -house was full, and the royal pair gave an audience to the manager. - - - APRIL. - -4th.—The House of Commons resolved itself into a Committee of Ways and -Means, when Sir R. Peel's ways of getting means were much objected to. - -18th.—Discussion in the House of Lords on the New Corn Bill, when the -Duke of Buckingham plainly intimated that the Premier deserved to be -turned out, for having taken others in. - -22nd.—A dispute between Mr. Lumley and Signor Mario, when the latter -complained of hoarseness, and the former declared that _he also_ was -taken by the throat. - - - MAY. - -2nd.—Presentation of the Chartist's petition. Its weight made a deep -impression on the floor of the House, but none at all on the members. - -12th.—The Queen's Ball Masque. Several old ladies endeavoured to conceal -their years by appearing in the costumes of the middle age. - -21st.—Prince Albert sat for six hours as judge in the Stannaries Court, -and performed the judicial office so well that two things were tried at -once—the cause before him and his own patience. - -23rd.—Execution of the murderer Good. A good riddance. - -In the course of this month the Whigs charged the Tories with the -greatest assurance in having taken up the former's policy. - - - JUNE. - -3rd.—Continuance of the sugar duties moved by the Chancellor of the -Exchequer. He contended that though the tax was little in separate -pounds of moist it amounted to a great deal in the lump. - -4th.—Proclamation issued on the subject of certain sovereigns discovered -to be light. The new regulation not to affect India, where the natives -princes are all of a dark complexion. - -13th.—The Queen made her first trip by railway, and the Court expected -to adopt the fashion of trains. - -23rd.—A question put to Sir R. Peel on the subject of the Nelson -Monument, the base of which had not been proceeded with for want of the -capital. - -Several attempts made to retard the public business by incessantly -moving the adjournment of the House, and bring the Premier to a stand by -perpetual motion. - - - JULY. - -2nd.—A letter exploded at the Post-office—a proof of its being in a -great hurry to go off. - -3rd.—Attempt of the varlet Bean on the life of Her Majesty. It appeared -that the little deformity was given to sentiment, and that the hump on -his back weighed heavily on his mind. - -7th.—Mr. Hume moved for a Return of the actual services of all flag -officers, which was refused from a fear that many of them would turn out -to be much below the standard. He was denied similar information -respecting _general_ officers, since so many of them had not done -anything _particular_, and had never been in any action except as -defendants. - -10th.—M. Claudet, the patentee of the Daguerreotype, undertook to do -likenesses, on a _first_ attempt, in less than a _second_. - -13th.—Mr. Hume complained that at the British Museum no children are -admitted under eight; and he declared that juvenile capacity for -instruction was much _under-eighted_. - -The same honourable member censured the locality and the expense of the -New Houses of Parliament, objecting to the site of the building, and the -sight of money required for completing it. - - - AUGUST. - -1st.—Miss A. Kemble married to a count, and will, it is to be hoped, -find her account in the step taken. - - 'Tis a pity Miss Kemble retires so soon, - When money she makes to so pretty a tune. - -5th.—Prince Albert shot ninety-six rabbits in the royal preserves. The -animals, anxious for the honour of seeing the Prince, fell the unhappy -victims of a too fatal curiosity. - -6th.—A gentleman having received a newspaper sealed with the motto, -"Time flies," was charged full postage on account of "information" -contained on the wrapper. - -14th.—Gooseberries, apples, and pears selling for a mere nothing in -Covent Garden Market, being, as the growers declared, the fruits of the -Tariff. - -25th.—Trial of the vagabond Bean, who was found to be one of a very -inferior kidney. - - - SEPTEMBER. - -1st.—The Queen landed at Edinburgh, the tide having risen before the -Provost was out of bed. - -2nd.—A return presented to Parliament of the condition of the inmates of -Greenwich Hospital, when it was found that there were thirty-six -pensioners who had only the right leg left. - -3rd.—Covent Garden Theatre was advertised to open, but Miss Adelaide -Kemble was too hoarse to sing; and though her father had so much at -stake in the theatre, it was found that his daughter had no voice at all -in it. - -6th.—Mr. Carter bitten severely in the thumb by one of his lions. The -animal was recently purchased and not used to his master, who was trying -a few tricks merely to get his hand in. - -12th.—An investigation into the Dover cropping case. The jailor, finding -he was not to cut the hair of the prisoners, cut his own stick, and -resigned his situation. - -21st.—A calculation made, that the shelves of the King's Library at -Paris extend to twenty miles—a proof of what extraordinary lengths some -writers will go to. - - - OCTOBER. - -1st.—It was generally suggested that banking-houses should close at -four, because the system of shutting at five (after which hour there is -still much to be done) has the effect of driving their business very -often to sixes and sevens. - -10th.—News arrived of Akbhar Khan being prepared to treat; but from such -a Khan nothing can be expected but half-and-half measures. - -12th.—Miss Briers and Mary Ann Morgan brought to Union Hall on a charge -of having conspired to lead Mr. Woolley into another union against his -will. Mr. Woolley, though evidently on thorns, and regularly caught by -the Briers, declared his intention not to prosecute; he, however, -commenced a suit for divorce against Mary, in reference to whom he -refused to be _Molly-fied_. - -[Illustration: - - HORRID MURDER. -] - - Ballantyne, Hanson & Co., London and Edinburgh - - - - - TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES - - - 1. Added Table of Contents. - 2. Converted all asterisk (***) ellipses to modern (...) ellipses. - 3. Silently corrected simple spelling, grammar, and typographical - errors. - 4. Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed. - 5. Enclosed italics font in _underscores_. - 6. Enclosed bold font in =equals=. - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Comic Almanack, Volume 1 (of 2), by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COMIC ALMANACK, VOLUME 1 *** - -***** This file should be named 52203-0.txt or 52203-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/2/0/52203/ - -Produced by Chris Curnow and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was -produced from images generously made available by The -Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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