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diff --git a/old/52204-0.txt b/old/52204-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 115c635..0000000 --- a/old/52204-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,21412 +0,0 @@ -Project Gutenberg's The Comic Almanack, Volume 2 (of 2), by Various - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: The Comic Almanack, Volume 2 (of 2) - An Ephemeris in Jest and Earnest, Containing Merry Tales, - Humerous Poetry, Quips, and Oddities - -Author: Various - -Illustrator: George Cruikshank - -Release Date: June 1, 2016 [EBook #52204] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COMIC ALMANACK, VOLUME 2 *** - - - - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Chris Curnow and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - - - - - - - - - - _NOTICE._ - - -The FIRST SERIES of "_THE COMIC ALMANACK_," from 1835 to 1843, a nine -years' gathering of the BEST HUMOUR, the WITTIEST SAYINGS, the Drollest -Quips, and the Best Things of THACKERAY, HOOD, MAYHEW, ALBERT SMITH, -A'BECKETT, ROBERT BROUGH, with nearly one thousand Woodcuts and Steel -Engravings by the inimitable CRUIKSHANK, HINE, LANDELLS— - - May now be had of the Publishers, crown 8vo, 600 pp., - price 7_s._ 6_d._ - - ☞_The First Series and the present (or Second Series) comprise_ - THE COMPLETE WORK, _extending from 1835 to 1853_. - - - - - THE - - COMIC ALMANACK, - - 2ND SERIES, 1844-1853. - - -[Illustration: - - PROBABLE EFFECTS of OVER FEMALE-EMIGRATION, or _Importing_ the Fair - Sex from the Savage Islands in Consequence of _Exporting_ all our - own to Australia!!!!! -] - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - AN EPHEMERIS IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING - MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY. - QUIPS, AND ODDITIES. - - - BY - - THACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A BECKETT, - THE BROTHERS MAYHEW. - -[Illustration: - - "THE APPROACH OF BLUCHER.—INTREPID ADVANCE OF THE 1ST FOOT." -] - - =With many Hundred Illustrations= - - BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK - - AND OTHER ARTISTS. - - _SECOND SERIES_, 1844-1853. - - =London:= - CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY. - - - - - CONTENTS - - - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1844. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1845. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1846. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1847. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1848. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1849. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1850. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1851. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1852. - THE COMIC ALMANACK FOR 1853. - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1844. - - - SIMPLE RULES FOR INTERPRETING ACTS OF - PARLIAMENT. - -Always avoid reading the preamble, which is likely to confuse rather -than to enlighten. It sets forth not what the act is to do, but what it -undoes: and confuses you with what the law was, instead of telling you -what it is to be. - -When you come to a very long clause, skip it altogether, for it is sure -to be unintelligible. If you try to attach one meaning to it, the -lawyers are sure to attach another; and, therefore, if you are desirous -of obeying an act of Parliament, it will be safer not to look at it, but -wait until a few contrary decisions have been come to, and then act upon -the latest. - -When any clause says either one thing or the other shall be right, you -may make sure that both will be wrong. - - - HINTS ON ECONOMY. - -It is customary to advise that a shilling should be made to go as far as -it possibly can; but surely this would be to throw a shilling away, by -making it go so far as to prevent any chance of its coming back again. - -A penny saved is said to be twopence earned; so that if you have -twopence and save a penny, you have twopence still; and if the twopence -be saved till the next day, it will be fourpence; so that at the end of -the week it will amount altogether to ten shillings and eightpence. We -recommend all very young beginners to try the experiment by putting a -penny away to-day, when, if the proverb holds good, it will have become -twopence by to-morrow. - -"A pin a day is a groat a year;" and it will be advisable if any one -doubts the fact, to go and offer three hundred and sixty-five pins at -any respectable savings' bank—when, if the proverb be literally true, he -will be credited to the amount of fourpence. - -"Never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day;" and, therefore, -if you mean to do a creditor, it is better not to put him off, but to -tell him honestly that you have put him down among the things to be done -immediately. - - - HINTS TO EMIGRANTS. - -A dealer in pencils should not go to Pencil-vain-here; nor would a man -stand a better chance at Botany Bay because he might have a knowledge of -botany. - -To very hot climates, where there is no glass in the windows, it would -be madness in the glazier to take the panes to emigrate. - - - WINE _VERSUS_ WATER. - GREAT ANTI-TEMPERANCE MEETING. - -A highly respectable meeting of some of the most influential Wines, -Beers, and Spirits, was held for the purpose of considering the best -means of opposing the Temperance Movement. Among those on the platform -we particularly noticed Port, Sherry, and Claret; while at the lower end -of the room were Cape, Marsala, and a deputation from the British Wines, -who were represented by the Two-and-Twopenny Sparkling Champagne, more -familiarly known as the "Genuine Walker." Most of the principal wines -wore the silver collars of the orders to which they respectively -belonged; and Port having been unanimously voted into the chair, the -business of the meeting was opened by Corkscrew, in a concise but -pointed manner. - -CHAMPAGNE was the first to rise, in a state of great effervescence. He -declared that he was frothing over with pure indignation at the idea of -wine being excluded from the social board; and, indeed, he found it -impossible to preserve the coolness which ought to belong to him. He was -not one to keep anything long bottled up—(_"Hear," and a laugh_);— -indeed, when he once let loose, out it must all come: and he did say -that the temperance movement was playing Old Gooseberry with him in -every direction.—(_Cries of "Shame!" from the Genuine Walker._) - -CLARET said that he did not often get into a state of fermentation; but -on this occasion he did feel his natural smoothness forsaking him. He -begged leave to propose the following resolution:—"That the substitution -of water for wine is likely to dissolve all social ties, and is -calculated to do material injury to the constitution." - -RUM rose, he said, for the purpose of opposing this resolution, which he -thought of too sweeping a character. He (Rum), so far from wishing to -get rid of water altogether, was always happy to meet with it on equal -terms; and he knew that he (Rum), as well as many of his friends around -him, had derived a good deal of their influence from being mixed up with -water, and going, as it were, half-way; which there could be no -objection to. - -GIN begged leave to differ from the honourable spirit that had just sat -down, and who was so unaccustomed to be on his legs at all, that it was -not surprising he should have failed to make a respectable stand on the -present occasion.—(_Cries of "Order!"_)—He (Gin) had no wish to create -confusion.—(_Ironical cheering from Marsala._)—He understood the meaning -of that cheer; and would certainly confess that the honourable beverage— -for he would not use the stronger term of wine—(_A laugh_)—was not -likely to create confusion in any quarter. No; he (the honourable -beverage) was not strong enough for that.—(_Renewed laughter._)—He (Gin) -had, perhaps, suffered more from water than all the other wines and -spirits whom he now saw before him put together. His reputation had been -materially hurt by it; and he was strongly of opinion that the only -thing to be done with water is to throw it overboard.—(_Hear, hear._) - -A French Wine, whose name we could not learn, let something drop, but we -were unable to catch it. - -CAPE now rose, but was immediately coughed down in a very unceremonious -manner. - -The thanks of the meeting having been voted to Port for his able conduct -in the decanter, the meeting separated; but not until a committee had -been chosen, consisting of a dozen of wine and a gallon of beer, with -power to add to their number, either by water or otherwise. - - - PREDICTIONS FOR JANUARY. - -In examining the horoscope it seems to embrace a wide scope of horrors. -There will be dark days for England, which we must be prepared for by -lighting candles. After New Year's Day there will be many broils, and -Turkey will be torn to pieces by domestic violence. - - - THE GARDEN. - -If anything is done in the garden at this time of the year, perhaps the -best thing will be to run about in it. Do not attempt to move any of -your trees, but keep your junior branches moving as much as possible. -This is the best time to take your shrub in-doors; but it should be rum -shrub, watered in moderation, and taken at night over a cheerful fire. - - 1844.] JANUARY. - - - DECISIONS IN HILARY TERM. - -The property in a lodger's possession may be seized for rent due from a -tenant, but it does not appear that the lodger's self-possession can -legally be taken away from him. - -A flaw in a lease will not always let in the heir, but the air is -frequently let in by a flaw in the building. - -When a conveyance has already sufficient parties, it has been held that -the remainder man may be shut out. This was decided in the cases of -Podger _versus_ the driver and conductor of the Atlas Omnibus. - -If a party offers to pledge himself, _semble_, that a pawnbroker cannot -be compelled to take him in, though it is done frequently. - -It is not yet decided whether the new Act for the Protection of the -Queen's Person, which inflicts a penalty for presenting fire-arms at the -Queen's person, does or does not extend to the sentinels on duty, who -present arms at Her Majesty whenever she leaves the Palace. - -The New Poor Law Act, prohibiting all out-door relief, does not apply to -trees, which may be re-leaved out of doors at the usual period. - -It is a question whether, by the recent law, which says that all -children under five are to be carried gratuitously in any -stage-carriage, a mother may insist on claiming free passage for four -children by any public conveyance. - -It has been decided that the Act giving the net proceeds of a slave ship -to the captors, does not mean that they are only entitled to the fish -caught in nets on board the vessel. - -The Court of Queen's Bench has declared, that a minor under the age of -ten years cannot legally be a miner since the passing of the Mines and -Collieries' Regulation Act. - - - TEN THOUSAND A YEAR. - THE TAX ON PROPERTY. - - There's something agreeable in the idea - Of having for income "Ten Thousand a Year:" - - But property, while it possesses its beauties, - Is burdened not only with rights but with duties. - It well may be said that the strongest of backs - Is bent with the weight of the Property Tax. - "Ten Thousand a Year" is expected to sport - A carriage of every conceivable sort; - A britschka, a Clarence, landau, and pilentum, - He must purchase as fast as the makers invent 'em. - Each vehicle fashion compels him to take, - Till "Ten Thousand a Year" is reduced to a break. - Of lazy domestics, in liv'ry and out, - A tribe must be kept to be lounging about, - On wages exorbitant, though, it is true, - They've nothing on earth—but their master—to do. - The larder, as well as the pockets, they clear: - 'Tis part of the tax on "Ten Thousand a Year." - - The blessings of wealth would be given in vain - To one who'd not swim all his friends in champagne: - His dinners must needs be the talk of the season, - As feasts of whate'er can be thought of—but reason. - As a liveried lacquey, perchance, there may wait - Some usurer, having a lien on the plate; - Who will not allow it to pass from his sight, - Although to its owner 'tis lent for the night: - The usurer gracefully keeps in the rear, - Not to mar the effect of "Ten Thousand a Year." - - Then balls must be given the _salons_ to fill, - And ruin be met in a graceful quadrille: - 'Tis sweet e'en on bankruptcy's margin to stand, - While lulled with the music of Collinet's band. - Such luxuries can't be accounted as dear - By one who's possessed of "Ten Thousand a Year." - - Without a town mansion, a park, and a seat, - The rich man's establishment is not complete; - But still on an annual tour he must roam; - His house must on no account serve for his home: - For servants, its comforts may do very well; - He must wander abroad to some foreign hotel: - When the season is over, in town to appear - Would be _très mauvais goût_ of "Ten Thousand a Year." - - Extravagant family, daughters and sons, - With distant connections who pester like duns, - On the strength of the fact that their wealthy relation - Can't suffer their wants to reflect on his station— - The family's dignity, honour, and pride; - And many a heavy encumbrance beside, - Of which but a few on the surface appear— - All make up the tax on "Ten Thousand a Year." - - - MONTHLY OBSERVATIONS. - -The depth of rain may be ascertained by placing a common stick in an -ordinary puddle; or, to walk into one will answer the same purpose. If -there should be ice in your water-jug, Moore says, "Look for its -continuance;" but we say, "Look for something to break it, and put an -end to it." If there is much fog, it will be useless to look for -anything. - - - USEFUL REMARKS. - -A Cure for Toothache:—Extraction is out-and-out the best remedy for this -malady. - -The Moon—we mean Mr. Sheriff Moon—will be in his second quarter all the -month. For the hours of rising, apply in Thread-needle Street. - - - GENERAL CHARACTER OF THE WEATHER. - -The character of the weather is rather violent at this time of the year; -for it generally knocks down the thermometer, and is guilty of other -very cool proceedings. - - FEBRUARY. [1844. - - - THE END OF PHEASANT SHOOTING. - THE SONG OF THE GAME. - - Unto the feathered tribe how pleasant - No more to be in dread of cartridge; - Free is the gay and happy pheasant, - And free as air the simple partridge. - - No more the sportsman's gun we hear, - The laws' protection we may claim; - Defying all who venture near, - 'Tis now our turn for making game. - - We laugh at Lords and Commons too, - For now not one of them is able, - Whate'er with others they may do, - To lay _our_ bills upon the table. - - Now occupied in making laws, - They show their legislative powers - In mutilating many a clause; - But they can touch no claws of ours. - - The Cockneys now, with sportsman's pride, - In shooting gaiters case their legs; - Their Mantons they may lay aside, - While we aside will lay our Eggs. - - - PATENTS FOR INVENTIONS. - -Patents will, it is expected, be granted— - -To SIR ROBERT PEEL; for a new and most efficacious manner of sweeping by -machinery, as exemplified in his very sweeping machinery of the Income -Tax. - -To LADY SALE; for carrying Britannia metal to a high degree of -perfection. - -To DRS. NEWMAN and PUSEY; for an entirely new method of introducing heat -into churches. - -To LORD BROUGHAM; for the application of rotatory motion, with a view to -obtaining power. - -To the CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER; for an extension of the use of the -screw, so as to augment its pressure. - -To the POOR LAW COMMISSIONERS; for a new method of diminishing pauperism -by reducing the number of paupers; and also for an improved process of -grinding. - -To DANIEL O'CONNELL; for a most effectual method of draining Ireland. - - - REPORT ON - THE TRAINING OF PAUPER CHILDREN. - -In turning our attention to the infant mind, we have discovered that it -is a sort of compound of caoutchouc and wax, the caoutchouc being to the -wax about two and a-half to one and three-quarters; so that more whacks -will be found requisite to give it a proper tone for educational -purposes. There is no doubt that children, like grape-vines, -prizefighters, scarlet-runners, and jockeys, are capable of training. -The mode of training jockeys, which is to keep them on short diet, so as -to diminish their weight, we strongly recommend for the training of -pauper children; because, as they are necessarily a burden to the -parish, it is only fair that they should be as light a burden as -possible. - -The introduction of Mr. Hullah's system of Singing for the Million we do -not recommend. It increases the appetite by exercising the lungs; and it -has been ascertained that if thirty children are taken, of whom fifteen -have just sung God Save the Queen, and fifteen have not, the fifteen who -have sung God Save the Queen will eat one-sixteenth more than the -fifteen others. This was tried with a round of beef and some boys -belonging to the Model School at Battersea. The beef, when divided by -those who had not been singing, went once into fifteen and something -over; but the boys who had been singing went twice into the beef, and -left the remainder nothing. - -With regard to dancing, we are inclined to believe that it may safely be -made a portion of the training of pauper children. It would certainly -give facility to their future steps in life, and enable them to turn -themselves round after they leave the workhouse. We are also disposed to -think that the great demand for cherubs, which is likely to arise by the -opening of the large theatres for opera and ballet, will render the -"dancing of pauper children" an important source of parochial revenue. -With a view to the introduction of dancing into pauper schools, we have -caused a copy of the following questions to be addressed to the master -of every union workhouse:— - -"1. Inquire the state of all the pauper children's toes, and how they -are likely to turn out. - -"3. Inquire the age at which the dancing days are usually said to be -over. - -"4. Cause an investigation into the meaning of the familiar term -'leading him a pretty dance;' which is believed to be a sort of _pas de -do_ between a debtor, who is out of the way, and a creditor. - -"2. Ascertain the number of bow-knees and bandy-legs throughout the -school, and divide them into tables, distinguishing the ages of the -respective owners." - -The Commissioners have little doubt that dancing was originally taught -in our colleges; and they think they need only point to the College -Hornpipe as a proof of their hypothesis. Sir Christopher Hatton, whose -dancing attracted the attention of Queen Elizabeth, probably imbibed his -knowledge of the art from one of our great seats of learning; and the -Commissioners think it very natural that a good dancer should be capable -of filling the first position. It is not unlikely that he was selected -to fill the office of Lord Chancellor from his proficiency in the -double-shuffle, or from his knowing when to change sides, turn round, -and go back to places. - -It is to the Commissioners a most refreshing fact that one experiment -they have made of a charity ball has been attended with complete -success; for a lesson in mathematics is found to combine with a lesson -in dancing. The pupils were observed to describe very accurately with -their legs a series of the most difficult angles, which they had often -very vainly attempted to achieve by the aid of the compasses. - -In conclusion, the Commissioners strongly recommend that the masters of -workhouses should be instructed to take the proper steps for introducing -the art of dancing, as a portion of the future training of pauper -children. - - - PREDICTIONS FOR MARCH. - -About the twenty-fifth tenants may look for their landlords; but -landlords will, some of them, look in vain for their tenants. - - - GARDENING OPERATIONS. - -Now is the time to force your cucumbers; but if they will not come by -being forced, try what can be done by persuasion. All your efforts will -be useless if the cucumbers themselves are not in the right frame. - - - OBSERVATIONS. - -The prevalence of the wind is so great in the month of March that the -trees generally begin blowing. - -The sun will certainly enter Aries on the 19th; which is perhaps a -reason for pulling down the kitchen-blinds; but this is optional. - - 1844.] MARCH. - -[Illustration] - - - THE MARCH OF INTELLECT. - -LEST novelty should receive a check from the cessation of inventions, it -is intended to construct a new railroad, to be called the -Electro-Intellecto-Mesmeric Railroad, the object of which will be to -expedite the March of Intellect. - -One of the peculiar features of this railroad will be the use of brass -instead of iron for the trains; and, as the projectors possess an -inexhaustible stock of the former article, there will be no difficulty -in procuring it. - -Another peculiar feature of this railroad will be, that the shareholders -may act as sleepers. - -One of the peculiar advantages of the Electro-Intellecto-Mesmeric -Railroad consists in there being no occasion for steam, the power of -raising the wind by the most active and continued puffing being -considered sufficient to carry all matters to the terminus of -popularity. - -There are already two or three engines in the possession of the -projectors, one of which is the Humbug Locomotive, of very considerable -power. - -It is intended to celebrate the opening of the line by a grand march of -intellect; Lord Brougham and the projector of the Aerial Ship have both -promised to attend. The latter will refute the assertion as to the -Aerial Ship having been thrown up; for, instead of being thrown up, it -has never been elevated in the smallest degree, nor is such an event at -all likely to happen. - - - AN ESSAY ON RENT. - BY A POLITICAL ECONOMIST. - -Rent is the price of land; but there is some rent that is not the price -of land: for instance, it must be said of the Repeal Rent, that there is -no real ground for it. - -An English acre will sometimes yield six per cent.; but the Irish -wiseacres have been known to yield much more. It must, however, be -remembered that in the latter case draining has been carried to the -greatest extent possible. - -Rents in England go up when the country is settled; but in Ireland it is -quite the reverse: for the Repeal Rent rises when the people are worked -up, and it is then they appear willing to come down with it. - -The profit of a landlord and the profit of a shopkeeper partake equally -of the character of rent. The former lives by tilling his land, and the -latter by putting into a till (which is the same thing as tilling) his -money. - -It is an obvious truth in political economy that the more rent a tenant -has to pay, the more a landlord will have to receive, and the better it -will be for him. Thus, if a tenant pays no rent for a whole year, more -rent will be due, and the value of the property would seem to be -increased; at all events, the landlord's claim would be a larger one -than if the rent had been regularly paid every quarter. - -If a farmer pays five pounds a quarter for his farm, and gets twenty -shillings a quarter for his corn, he may consider the difference between -the maximum of one and the minimum of the other as the mean product. - -The landlord and the tenant equally profit by consumption: for the more -that is consumed, the greater the value of what is left. Thus, if a fire -consumes a haystack, or consumption of a galloping nature carries off a -horse, the owner would, according to political economists, be all the -richer for it. - -Capital and labour belong legitimately to the subject of rent. The -greatest labour is sometimes employed in raising capital; as in the case -of the labour bestowed on raising the capital for the statue of the -Nelson column. Labour is often intimately connected with rent, for in -some neighbourhoods there is a vast deal of labour in collecting it. - -Quarter-day is the day when rent comes due. But, when due, it does not -always come; and a landlord who expects his rent punctually at the -quarter is too sanguine by half. - -[Illustration: - - QUARTER DAY -] - - - PROSPECTUS OF - THE AERIAL BUILDING COMPANY. - -A few gentlemen having taken the air for the purposes of building, have -formed themselves into a Company, and are anxious to let in a limited -number of the public. A surveyor, employed to survey the air, has -reported that he sees nothing to obstruct the views of the Company. It -is one of the peculiar advantages of this Association that there need be -no outlay for land; and the great hope of success in this speculation -arises from the fact that there is no ground for it. The Company will -apply to Parliament for an Air-Enclosure Bill, on the same principle as -the proposed measure for shutting up Hampstead Heath; but, in the -meantime, the treasurer will receive deposits on shares, and take -premiums for air allotments. The intention of the Company is to form an -Aerial City; and an architect has drawn plans, including sites for the -various contemplated buildings, the whole of which buildings may be seen -(on paper) at the Society's office, so that the sites may be at once -secured and paid for. - -The Company, not desiring to express any opinion as to the various -contrivances for navigating the air proposed within the last few years, -will leave it to the public to decide which principle it will be best to -adopt, the Company declining to have anything to do with any principle -whatever. - -The Company, it must be understood, will convey the air under hand and -seal; but the purchaser will have to convey the building. It is a -desirable point in this speculation that there will be no tax for paving -or lighting, there being no charge made by the Trustees of the Milky -Way, nor is there any star-rate payable. - -It is suggested that much may be done by parties willing to speculate in -the air, when they are once comfortably settled there. Though it is true -that the experiment of procuring sunbeams from cucumbers was never -successfully carried out, the Aerial Building Company would hint the -possibility of reversing this project, by getting cucumbers from -sunbeams. - -Further particulars may be had at the office in Air Street, where any -questions may be asked; but, to save trouble, no answers will be given -to any but _bonâ fide_ shareholders.—There are vacancies for a few -clerks, who, on taking shares to the amount of £500, will receive 30s. a -week for their services while the Company lasts, in addition to the -usual dividend. - - - THE WEATHER. - -Hail now commences its reign. If the Surrey Zoological Gardens should -open, expect a flow of showers, particularly if the announcements should -name a day for a show of flowers. - - - FARMING OPERATIONS. - -Sow acorns in pots, with a view to future timber; and plant out young -oaks in mignonette boxes. Sell off your pork, if you have any on hand; -and, if you have a live pig, it will be better to go the whole hog and -get rid of it at once, for the sale becomes doubtful as the summer -advances. - - - PROVINCIAL THEATRICALS. - -Mr. Doublethrust, who had long occupied the honourable position of -second cut-throat on the national boards, finding that the managers had -taken to cutting each others' throats, and consequently left nothing for -him to do, got together a select company for the purpose of performing -Shakspeare in the provinces. Having arrived at a small village in the -north, he became lessee of a barn, and advertised to open it "on the -principle of the national theatres," the latter having been frequently -conducted in a style worthy of the former, so that there was nothing -really new in the combination. The season was announced to commence with - - MACBETH, - =From the Text of Shakspeare:= - Followed by - A NAVAL HORNPIPE, - =From the Text of T. P. Cooke:= - Preceded by - AN ADDRESS, - Written expressly for the occasion, by the - PRESIDENT OF THE LOCAL INSTITUTION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF - SCIENCE. - -The barn was crowded; and the leading family in the village occupied the -threshing machine, which was fitted up as a private box. The national -anthem was played on a bird organ, the whole company standing; -immediately after which Mr. Doublethrust spoke the Address, from which -we give an extract:— - -[Illustration: - - Private Box. -] - -[Illustration: - - A Star. -] - - "Shall Shakspeare to the wall unheeded go? - A hundred thousand echoes answer—No! - But shall the local talent be neglected? - No! that at least shall be by us protected. - We'll cultivate the village poet's fame, - If Jones, or Smith, or Tomkins be his name." - - 1844.] APRIL. - -[Illustration: T] - - - "ALL HAIL, MACBETH!" - -THE cheering here was tremendous, there being in the village three young -men with the names mentioned, each having high pretensions to literary -distinction. The Jonesites were vehement in their applause; but the -Tomkinsonians were not to be outdone; and the Smithians being thus -worked up to an enthusiastic pitch of excitement, it was some time -before Mr. Doublethrust could proceed with the address he was speaking. -The following were the concluding lines, which elicited the most -rapturous shrieks ever heard within an English barn, or indeed beneath a -British weathercock:— - -[Illustration: - - Drawing a House. -] - -[Illustration: - - A Moving Address. -] - - "We pledge ourselves to do our very best, - And leave to fickle fortune all the rest. - Aided by you we boldly laugh at fate,— - And, by the way, half-price at half past eight, - 'Tis here that human nature may be learned,— - _Vivat Regina!_—Money not returned!" - -The play of "Macbeth," _from_ the text of Shakspeare, now proceeded, and -the manager's candour in using the disjunctive _from_ was speedily -visible. The ambitious thane wore a plaid shawl, commonly called a -horse-cloth, and a pair of stocking-drawers, with a breast-plate formed -of the brass ornaments used to cover the screws of tent bedsteads. The -scene with the witches was thrown into such confusion by the performers -not knowing their parts, that it was impossible to say which was witch, -and, by way of an overflow at half-price, the rain came on in such -torrents at about half-past eight, that in the fourth act Macbeth came -on under an umbrella, beneath the shelter of which he concluded the -performance. The damp thus thrown on the efforts of the new lessee -brought the season to a precipitate close, and Doublethrust abdicated -the managerial throne after a short rain, but by no means a merry one. - - - WHO SHALL EDUCATE THE PRINCE OF WALES? - - Wanted a Tutor! - His qualities we thus define:— - In mind he must be masculine, - In politics quite neuter. - Of law he must possess a smattering, - Sufficient just to set him chattering - On the prerogatives of kings, - And other less important things. - Of how the English crown - Has come from William down; - How it descended smooth and even, - Till from the Empress Maud - It was unjustly clawed, - By her ambitious younger cousin Stephen. - How subsequently John - Did try it on; - Causing a slight digression - In the succession. - And how, to come to times much nigher, - The title to the crown, - Upon the heirs was settled down, - Of the Princess Sophia. - Wanted a Tutor for the Prince of Wales! - No one whose patience ever fails, - Whate'er that patience may occur to try, - Need take the trouble to apply. - He must possess the power - Of making learning quite a treat; - Retaining nothing but the sweet, - And throwing out the sour. - To grammar and orthography, - To spelling and geography, - To Latin and geometry, - To Greek and trigonometry, - He must be able to impart - Charms that will win a royal heart. - And this must all be done indeed - At railroad speed. - He must possess the power of teaching faster - Than those who promise in a week - To teach their pupils Spanish, French, or Greek, - Without a master! - He must be competent to give an inkling - Of all the sciences that are, - Teaching the name of every star, - Quite in a twinkling. - All those who seek the royal Tutor's place - Must be proficients in each modern grace; - No one need to the office make pretence - Who cannot teach the Prince to sing; - Dance, draw, and all that sort of thing, - And use the foils without offence. - Wanted a Tutor, patient, clever, steady, - With knowledge upon every topic, - Within each hemisphere and tropic, - Like joints at ordinaries, "always ready." - He must be in possession - Of first-rate knowledge, - That can be gleaned from every college, - As well as each profession. - To matters clerical and lay - He must be quite _au fait_. - Army and navy he must comprehend, - To everything his knowledge must extend; - But _nota bene_, by-the-bye, - No lawyer, churchman, soldier, sailor, need apply. - - - ELECTION CORRESPONDENCE. - - _From the Chairman of the Local Committee to the Agent in London._ - - MY DEAR SIR, - -The squibs you sent down have all been circulated, but money is more -wanted. Podger, the butcher, is wavering; being an influential man there -are several who always vote as he does. I am sorry to see his firmness -giving way; but if you send down fifty pounds by return of post, I think -I may be able to strengthen his principles. - - Yours, very truly, - PETER PLIANT. - - _From the Agent in London to the Local Chairman in the Country._ - - MY DEAR SIR, - -I am sorry that no more money can be sent down; for it is absolutely -necessary to keep the London Committee constantly sitting, which can -only be done by allowing a constant supply of soup, sandwiches, and -sherry. Instead of sending money to you, we had hoped that your local -patriotism would have supplied additional funds to us. I forward a loaf, -borrowed from one of the theatres, where it was used in a pantomime. You -will of course understand that you are to fix it on a pole, marked -"cheap bread," and contrast it with the smallest loaf you can get hold -off, which must be labelled "corn laws." - - Yours, sincerely, - J. CRAMWELL. - - MAY. [1844. - -[Illustration] - - - THROWN OUT FOR THE CITY. - - _From the Chairman of the Local Committee to the - Agent in London._ - - MY DEAR SIR, - -[Illustration: - - Demanding a Poll. -] - -[Illustration: - - Member for Cripplegate. -] - -Thanks for the pantomimic loaf, which told very well; but the money -would have answered better. They are making a great fuss on the other -side about slave-grown sugar: one hit they have made tells against us -very powerfully. They have got four of the Lascar beggars who happened -to come into the town, and have borrowed some fetters from the manager -of the theatre, which they have fixed to the wrists of the Lascars: each -has on his breast a placard, asking, "Am I not a brother?" and on his -back is a bill bearing the inscription, "No slave-grown sugar!" If you -can put us up to any plan for answering this, let me hear from you -immediately. - - Yours, in haste, PETER PLIANT. - - _From the Agent in London to the Local Chairman in the Country._ - - MY DEAR SIR, - -I don't know how to answer the placard "Are we not brothers?" unless by -a hit at the Poor Law. You had better get as many old vagrants together -as you can; and, putting them into workhouse dresses, label their -breasts with the words, "Are we not husbands?" Their backs may display -placards with the words, "No Poor Law—no separation of man and wife!" -This will be a safe card, if played immediately. - - Yours, in haste, J. CRAMWELL. - -[Illustration: - - THE ROYAL ACADEMY -] - -[Illustration] - - - CRITICAL ESSAY ON THE PRIZE CARTOONS. - -The late competition for Cartoons must cause some alteration in the next -edition of Johnson's Dictionary; for what is meant by the word Cartoon -will require considerable explanation, after the very extraordinary -collection recently exhibited at Westminster. According to some of the -artists, Cartoon signifies anything brought in a cart; for such is the -only claim to be called a Cartoon that many of the specimens can pretend -to. Chalking walls used formerly to be a very profitable employment; and -we have often thought what could have become of the wall-chalkers since -the blacking-makers ceased to have their Day—and Martin. These artists -of a menial capacity (_vide_ the Latin Dictionary for the meaning of -_mœnial_) came out in considerable strength at the late exhibition of -Cartoons, and they have chalked up a pretty long account against -themselves on the walls of Westminster. That the exhibition was put an -end to rather summarily at the beginning of autumn, we are not -surprised; it is only astonishing that they were not made to "walk their -chalks" at a much earlier period. - -The Commissioners of the fine arts shot at a pigeon, and killed a crow. -They wished to ascertain the state of the art of historical painting, -and got a glorious collection of designs for burlesquing British -history, showing at once the palmy state to which the art of caricature -has risen in this country. Fauns have been satirized, and the British -lion has been made in the mane a very humorous-looking animal. As to -Magna Carta, never did it give rise to such tremendous liberties as the -drawers of the Cartoons have taken with it. Shakspeare is fortunately -immortal, or his fame could scarcely have escaped the violent hands that -have been laid upon him. Macbeth and the Witches are so beautifully -confused that it is difficult to say which is Macbeth and which the -Witches. There is the murder of Duncan, with his two sons in the -distance, looking on as calmly as if they were indeed very distant -relatives. There is the Ghost of Cæsar appearing to Brutus; but the -artist, not knowing how to treat light and shade, has caricatured the -shade most miserably. Some have selected Shakspeare upon Mercy for -illustration, but without having any mercy upon Shakspeare; and somebody -has favoured us with Drake on the quarter-deck, Drake being -distinguished by a pair of ducks,—a touch of humour we could not fail to -appreciate. Most of the artists seemed to have laboured under an awful -enlargement of the imagination, which set them off commencing their -drawings upon an enormous scale, obliging them to moderate their -conceptions before the completion of the picture. The fact that there -was many a Cartoon which would have gone in, but that there was no -getting it through the door, illustrates this malady among the artists. -It may be considered as a species of Elephantiasis, inducing the idea -that one's self and one's subject are much more vast than they are in -reality. It would seem that some of the artists have misread the -advertisement of the Commissioners of Fine Arts, and that for the word -"decorate" some of them read "desecrate" the walls of Parliament. - - 1844.] JUNE. - -[Illustration: - - The Iron Peer. -] - - - THE WATERING-PLACES OF ENGLAND. - - Serene and fair is Battersea, - As it breasts the river's side; - While past it, gushing fast and free, - There flows the limpid tide! - How smooth the water at its base, - No mirror could be flatter; - Named, from the softness of its face, - The sea, the sea of Batter! - - But let us cross the shining main, - Which heaves with gentle swell; - And we the fertile shore shall gain - That skirts the sea of Chel. - Within the water, when 'tis clear, - We can extremely well see - The image of the Iron Pier,— - Then hail to merry Chelsea! - - The hardy mariner may boast - Of voyage long and far; - To where, upon the Greenwich coast, - Reclines the worn-out tar. - The perils of the vasty deep, - The shore with shelving ridges, - I will avoid, and always keep - On _this_ side of the bridges. - - - DOMESTIC HINTS FOR THE FIRST OF APRIL. - -In making bread, care should be taken to set the sponge properly. The -best sponge can be obtained at hairdressers' shops, and it may be as -well to ask the hairdresser the best method of setting it. - -Bees are a source of great profit. The wax from the ceiling of the hive -is a capital substitute for sealing-wax. As bees deposit their honey in -combs, each hive should have a small-tooth comb placed inside it. - -A hen gives notice of her intention to lay by talking to herself. When -she commences this kind of monopolylogue, provide her with a private box -for the season. - -Eggs may be kept any time if they are not eaten: when they are intended -for food, they should be used as fresh as possible. Ducks' eggs are -sometimes placed under hens, but hens' eggs, or indeed any eggs at all, -are not eligible things for ducks to sit upon. - - - REPORT OF - THE ROYAL HUMANE SOCIETY - FOR THE PREVENTION OF ACCIDENTS ON ARTIFICIAL ICE. - -This Society has been established for the Prevention of Accidents on -Artificial Ice, and is happy to refer the public to the following - - - CASE. - -A gentleman was skating in a first floor, and had been several times -warned by artificial ice-man Snooks not to pass over a certain spot, for -it was known there was a large chandelier immediately beneath, the great -heat from which, by thawing the artificial ice, might render it -dangerous. The gentleman, however, persisted; when, following the usual -course, the Humane Society caused ropes to be thrown across from side to -side, which might at all events catch the skates, if not check the -boldness of the skaters. Luckily, the precaution took effect, tripping -the gentleman up, and breaking his fall; when another artificial -ice-man, seeing the danger, resorted to the customary experiment of -placing a ladder immediately over the hole into which the skater had -been plunged. This course is always adopted on natural ice; for, as a -person before drowning is supposed to rise three times, it is desirable -to prolong his chance by preventing him from rising at all—even for the -first time—as long as possible. Unfortunately, there was no boathook at -hand—an instrument found so useful in cases of accident on natural ice, -or it is probable that the individual might have been fished up with the -greatest facility. The gentleman was now immersed in mortar, and, -hanging on by a rafter, presented a complete case of suspended animation -for several minutes. Artificial ice-man Snooks immediately plunged in -among the laths, while the plaster cracked and gave way at every step he -took, in the most frightful manner. He had previously made fast a rope -to a hook in the ceiling above, and the unfortunate individual, who -clung to his preserver, was thus extracted from his perilous position. -The usual remedies were promptly resorted to. He was held up for several -minutes by the heels, to allow the dust and plaster to escape from his -mouth, and was then taken to the receiving-house, where brandy-and-water -were administered in such copious draughts, and with such excellent -effect, that he soon lost all sense of the accident. - -[Illustration: - - A NEW ART-IF-ICE—Doubly Hazardous. -] - -The Society would earnestly recommend the following precautions to all -who are in the habit of resorting to the artificial ice:— - -Always select, if possible, a ground floor; and, indeed, from the -specimens of skating exhibited every day by the horses, it would seem -that the wooden pavement is better adapted than anything else to the -purpose of glaciarium. When you feel yourself going into a hole, throw -yourself on your back, when the artificial ice-man will probably dash a -ladder on to your face; and if you can contrive to get your head through -the rounds of the ladder, you are drawn up easily. - -Never venture where you see a board with the word "Dangerous." You may -be sure that the Society's men are aware of a hole, which, as they have -made it themselves by sticking up the board, they can have made no -mistake about. - -The Humane Society, fully aware of the efficacy of brandy in cases of -suspended animation, caused an analysis to be made of the brandy-balls -usually sold upon the ice, when the following result was obtained:— - - Sugar, in solution 15 - Some mysterious mixture, of which no solution could be found 75 - Dust 8 - Peppermint 2 - Brandy 0 - ——— - 100 - -On the whole, the Society would not feel justified in recommending it as -a stimulant. - -The following prizes have already been distributed by the Society: To -artificial ice-man Brown, for plunging into a parlour, where a gentleman -had fallen on to a tea-table, and rescuing him from a boiling watery -grave, the small silver medal, with a portrait of the Queen on one side, -and the words "SIX PENCE," in raised letters, on the other. The thanks -of the Society, on comic note-paper, were also given to the tradesman -who had supplied (on credit) the whole of the apparatus. - - * * * * * - - JULY. [1844. - -[Illustration: W] - - - POLITICAL PAS-DE-QUATRE. - -WE give the following as the last new dances patronized by the most -distinguished Members of both Houses of Parliament:— - - - THE DEBATE. - -First gentleman comes forward, and sets to gentleman opposite. Second -gentleman does the same: and third couple pair off right and left. - -[Illustration: - - Union is Strength. -] - - - THE RESIGNATION. - -First gentleman advances to first lady, and then retires. Second -gentleman takes the place of first gentleman, and advances to first -lady; who executes a _dos à dos_ with first gentleman. First and second -gentlemen cross to opposite sides, and second gentleman turns first -gentleman over. - - - THE LORD BROUGHAM. - -Turn right and left, meet half way; then back again. Cross over, pass -behind, go up and down, and continue changing sides, till arriving at -the bottom. - -11. Prince of Orange assassinated, 1584. - - How cruel this unhappy prince to slaughter! - 'Tis strange that Orange should have had no quarter! - - State of the Crops. - -[Illustration: - - Abundant. -] - -[Illustration: - - Middling. -] - -[Illustration: - - Scarcity. -] - -[Illustration: - - Guy Fawkes treated Classically—An Unexhibited Cartoon -] - - - THE UNEXHIBITED CARTOON OF GUY FAWKES. - BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. - -Having been advised by my friends to publish a sketch of my cartoon, -intended for exhibition at Westminster Hall, I think the public, upon -seeing it, will require some explanation of it. The subject has often -been treated, and sometimes rather ill-treated, by preceding artists. -Being forcibly struck by the grand classical style, I have aimed at it, -and I trust I have succeeded in hitting it. At all events, if I have not -quite come up to the mark, I have had a good bold fling at it. - -The first thing I thought it necessary to think of (though, by-the-bye, -it is generally the last thing thought of in historical painting), was -to get a faithful portrait of the principal character. For that purpose -I determined to study nature, and strolled about London and the suburbs -on the 5th of November, in search of a likeness of Fawkes, caring little -under what Guys it might be presented to me. Unfortunately, some had -long noses and some had short; so, putting this and that together, the -long and the short of it is, that I determined on adopting a living -prototype, who has been blowing up both Houses of Parliament for several -years, and if not a Fawkes in other respects, is at least famous for -encouraging forking out on the part of others. - -Having got over the preliminary difficulty, I set to work upon my -cartoon: and being resolved to make it a greater work than had ever -before been known, I forgot the prescribed size, for my head was far -above the consideration of mere feet, and I did not reflect, that where -Parliament had given an inch I was taking an ell, at the very lowest -estimate. Having strolled towards Westminster Hall to survey the scene -of my future triumphs, it struck me that I had carried the grand -classical to such a height as to preclude all chance of my cartoon being -got in through the doorway: and I, therefore, with the promptitude of a -Richard the Third, determined to "Off with his head," by taking a slice -off the top of the canvass. This necessary piece of execution rather -spoiled the design, but it enabled me to throw a heaviness into the -brows of my principal figure, which, if it marred the resemblance to -Fawkes, gave him an additional look of the Guy, at all events. It then -occurred to me that I might further diminish the dimensions by taking a -couple of feet off the legs; and this happy idea enabled me to carry out -the historical notion that Fawkes was the mere tool of others, in which -case, to cramp him in the understanding must be considered a nice -blending of the false in art with the true in nature. The Guy's feet -were accordingly foreshortened, till I left him, as he appeared when -trying to defend himself at his trial, with hardly a leg to stand upon. -Besides I knew I could fresco out his calves in fine style, when I once -got permission to turn the fruit of my labours into wall-fruit, on the -inside of the Houses of Parliament. - -It will now be naturally asked, why my cartoon was not exhibited with -others, some of each were equally monstrous, in the Hall of Westminster. -The fact is, if the truth must out, the cartoon would not go in. Though -I had cramped my genius already to suit the views of the Commissioners, -and the size of the door, I found I must have stooped much lower if I -had resolved on finding admittance for my work. I wrote at once to the -Woods and Forests, calling upon them to widen the door for genius, by -taking down a portion of the wall: but it will hardly be believed, that -though there were, at the time, plenty of workmen about the building, no -answer was returned to my request. Alas! it is all very well to sing, as -they do in Der Frieschutz, "Through the Woods and through the Forests," -but towards me the Woods and Forests proved themselves utterly -impenetrable. - -It will be seen that the arch conspirator—for so I must continue to call -him, though he could not be got into the archway—has placed his hat upon -the ground, a little point in which I have blended imagination with -history, and both with convenience. The imagination suggests that such a -villain ought not to wear his hat; history does not say that he did, -which is as much as to hint that he didn't; while convenience coming to -the aid of both, renders it necessary for his hat to lie upon the -ground, for if I had tried to place it on his head, there would have -been no room for it. There was one gratifying circumstance connected -with this cartoon which, in spite of my being charged with vanity, I -must repeat. As it was carried through the streets it seemed to be -generally understood and appreciated, every one, even children, -exclaiming as it passed, "Oh! there's a Guy!" - - GEORGE CRUIKSHANK. - -[Illustration: - - The Hop Season. -] - - 1844.] AUGUST. - - - THE FEAST OF THE GROTTOES. - -Surely the antiquity of oysters cannot be doubted; but there is some -reason to believe that grottoes are of a more recent origin. There is a -grotto of the Cumæan Sybil at Naples; but it does not seem to have been -constructed of oyster-shells—though its position near the sea would -indicate that shells of some kind were probably used in its -construction. - -The first oyster ever introduced into this country was probably brought -over by Sir Walter Raleigh; who, as he imported cigars, potatoes, and -saltpetre, may, probably, have met with oysters in his celebrated -journey round the world, and carried over a barrel with him on his -return to England; which would surely have been quite as reasonable a -piece of luggage as a barrel of gunpowder. This theory is further -supported by the well-known proverb, that "he must have been a bold man -who first ate an oyster;" and as the courage of Raleigh was never -doubted, we may fix upon him with some degree of confidence as the first -oyster-eater that this country can boast of. But valour of this kind was -never so eminently displayed as in the comparatively recent instance of -Dando, who, to the courage of eating oysters to an unlimited extent, -added the far greater boldness of declining to pay for them. Dando was, -however, "native, and to the manner born" for it. To return to the -subject of grottoes: the annual grotto feast is observed by the children -of the humbler classes, who, with infantine simplicity, insist on -declaring that it is "only once a year" for several days in succession. -There is a remnant of feudalism in the mode adopted by some of the -bigger boys to obtain possession of the grottoes constructed by weaker -children. The former descend in rude and barbarous hordes, beating off -the original possessors, and exacting custom from the surrounding -neighbourhood. This is in strict conformity with the law of -primogeniture; for the elder boys generally "take," as the lawyers say, -to the exclusion of the younger. - - - ODE TO FATHER MATHEW. - - Oh, Father Mathew, why dost thou incline - Against all spirits thus to whine? - To preach against good liquor is a scandal. - Why to such rash conclusions jump— - To airy, dull, unsocial pump, - Why give a handle? - Water is very well—but then 'tis known, - That well is always better let alone. - Washing is water's only function, - Save when a little drop poured in- - to brandy, whisky, rum, or gin, - Makes glorious, grand junction. - Think, Father Mathew, how you interfere - With Christmas cheer; - How can we offer friends a welcome hearty, - Unto a cold December water party? - When strangers meet together once or twice, - Wine warms away the chill of cold decorum; - But who could ever hope to break the ice - Cold water would in winter's depth throw o'er 'em? - Who could strike up a joyous song - Upon a cup, however strong, - Of wishy-washy green souchong? - Believe me, Father Mathew, you are wrong! - It would indeed be useless labour, - With such a pledge as those you boast, - To try and pledge one's neighbour, - In a flat toast-and-water toast. - Who could with spirits light advance, - To join the dance, - When with teetotalism clogged, - His heels are water-logged? - They who conform to your teetotal wishes, - And satisfied can be, - With water breakfast, dinner, supper, tea, - I class among the oddest fishes. - No, Father Mathew, let us have our ale— - Water's quite out of the social pale. - -[Illustration: - - FATHER MATHEW—An ice-man for a small party -] - - - POPULAR ERRORS. - -Sandwich is _not_ famous for its Sandwiches. - -Venetian blinds are _not_ imported from Venice. - -The captain of a steamer, when at his post, is not a post-captain. - -The sword of justice cannot be made sharp without the application of -blunt. - -It is an error to suppose that the stature of man is diminished, for the -lengths men go to in the present day was never surpassed. The tallest -men are to be found in Lankyshire. - -Jerusalem artichokes do not come from Jerusalem. They are not called -artichokes because any one who makes a hearty meal on them will run the -chance of being choked. - -It is a vulgar error that beer is turned sour by thunder. The fact is, -that beer may be turned sour by lightning which does not know how to -conduct itself. - -Home-made articles are not always the best; and, indeed, when made at -home, they are often so mysterious, that there is really no making them -out. - -[Illustration: - - A Returning Officer. -] - - - REPORT ON PUBLIC HEALTH. - -From the returns founded on inquiries made by Mr. Jones of fourteen -friends, whom he met in London during one afternoon, it was ascertained -that, to the question, "How are you?" six replied "Pretty well," two -were "Quite charming," four were "Very well," one was "Tolerable," and -the remaining one "Bobbish." It seems that a state of bobbishness is one -of vulgar health, and that the less genteel neighbourhoods, under the -most favourable circumstances, are greatly conducive to it. - -[Illustration: - - Relieving Officer. -] - -Water is one of the first essentials to health, and, consequently, a -rainy day ought to be a source of great salubrity. It is also a -principal ingredient in the diet of paupers, no doubt on account of its -sanatory properties. Water, in conjunction with ventilation, may be -regarded as the safety-valve of disease; so that a walk in a pelting -shower, with a hole or two in the hat and boots, ought to be prescribed -as a preventive against the chance of illness. - -[Illustration: - - Appealing against the Poor Rate. -] - -[Illustration: - - Hair Hunting. -] - - SEPTEMBER. [1844. - -[Illustration: T] - - - TREATING WITH CHINA. - DESPATCH FROM SIR HENRY POTTINGER. - -TAKING advantage of my full powers to treat, I asked the Commissioner -what he would like me to treat him to. He at first suggested beer; but -from what I have seen of the Chinese, I fancied that they stood more in -need of spirit than anything else; and as my instructions were to mix as -much as possible with the Imperial authorities, I kept mixing brandy and -water till past midnight, in company with Key-sing, who did ample -justice to the grog that was placed before him. The effect of the liquor -was such as to cause me to receive several friendly assurances in broken -Chinese; and the Commissioner, I am sure, soon began to see doubly all -the advantages I was endeavouring to point out to him. In a short time -such was the spirit of harmony inspired by the grog, that a song was -volunteered by Key-sing; but it is impossible to say what key Key-sing -did sing it in. I was then called upon to favour them with a vocal -effort; and as my instructions were to meet the wishes of the Chinese -government as well as I could, I struck up, "Home, sweet home," a -selection which, I trust, will meet the approbation of the Home Office. -The treaty had not yet received the signature of Key-sing; and he seemed -to be wavering,—leaning first on one side, and then on the other; but at -length he fell with his face flat upon the treaty, which I believe was -intended to show his great respect for it. Such was his emotion, that he -was with difficulty raised; and his hand was at length guided by a -mandarin, who had partaken less freely of the grog than the Chief -Commissioner. Key-sing then left for his own abode, singing and dancing -all the way home, and addressing every one he met, to whom he was, -probably, explaining the advantages that China will derive from the -happy union. - - I am, &c., your Lordship's, &c., - HENRY POTTINGER. - -[Illustration: - - Humbugs of the Day -] - - - POLITICS ABROAD. - - (_By the Foreign Correspondent of the "Comic Almanack."_) - -The Spanish are, as you know, very nutty on their late revolution. -Several provinces have pronounced; but as they all have a peculiar -_patois_ of their own, it is difficult to catch their pronunciations. -America is in a more settled, though certainly not in a more settling, -state than it was some time ago. It has resorted freely to the old way -of paying new debts, and in return for our specie, has sent us a species -of whitewash, which is all that we can get as an equivalent. It is a -glorious thing to see a whole nation throwing off its bonds; and the way -in which America has released herself from the bonds she was under to -her creditors, is a proof that she knows how to be free herself, and to -make free with others. On the other side of the Channel, Young France -finding it impossible to beard Old England, has taken to bearding -itself; and the war-party show, by their chins at any rate, that they -would be much improved by a good lathering. New South Wales, as you are -by this time aware, is to have a representative assembly; but it is not -yet decided what the legislative body is to consist of. It would perhaps -be the fairest plan, that each of the prisons should send so many -members to the Botany Bay parliament; but others think that each class -of offenders should have its own representatives. Whether the Honourable -Member for Newgate would sound better than the Gallant Representative of -the Housebreaking Interests, is a question that may be decided -hereafter; and it will be a very nice point, whether conviction shall be -a necessary qualification for a seat in the legislature of New South -Wales, or, whether the fact of having committed an offence, shall render -a person eligible as a candidate. It will perhaps be difficult to draw -the line where the elective franchise shall begin, but it is generally -believed, that nothing under a pickpocket ought to be entitled to vote, -though, whether the claimant to the suffrage must have been positively -caught in the act, is a nicety on which I leave it to the lawyers to -deliberate. - - - THE SINGING MOUSE. - - 'Tis thought a very wondrous thing, - That any mouse is known to sing; - But only keep your cat away, - And all your mice will learn to play. - - - OBSERVATIONS OF A NATURALIST. - -The average quantity of vapour from below is always greater after a -public meeting, at which patriotic speeches have been made. - -As we advance towards the Pole, the wind rises; and, by a remarkable -coincidence, it is easy for an elector to raise the wind as the day for -going to the poll approaches. - -In warm weather the dissolving power is greater; and the summer is -generally chosen for dissolving Parliament. - -Moisture ascending, forms clouds; and liquor which gets into the head -causes a mist over the eyes; a fact that shows the analogy existing -between all the operations of nature. - -Bishop Berkeley has observed, that there are more levels in England than -are generally to be found elsewhere. This notion accounts for the Bishop -having published many things, in which he treated England as a country -of flats. - -About the 4th or 5th of February, it has been observed that the woodlark -renews his note. Birds of passage do not always renew their notes on the -4th, but dishonour their bills very frequently. - -It has been remarked, that in September evenings the reduction of -temperature begins to be sensibly felt by those who expose themselves to -it thinly clad. We cannot concur in the general observation that it is -sensibly felt, for the more sensible thing would be to wrap oneself well -up, and avoid altogether feeling it. - -It was generally observed, that the summer of 1843 was one of the finest -that has been known for many years. This may be easily accounted for by -the non-opening of Vauxhall Gardens. Preparations had been made for the -commencement of the season, and there was a week of incessant rain; but -the idea being abandoned, the weather became fine, and continued so for -the remainder of the summer. - -Saturn is generally allowed to be a very inclement planet; and it may be -seen directly over Clement's Inn during a portion of the year. - - 1844.] OCTOBER. - -[Illustration] - - - SIX RICHARDS IN THE FIELD. - A NEW ACTING SHAKSPEARE. - -It is quite evident that Shakspeare, in its present state, is not suited -to the capacity of the existing race of tragic actors. On the same -principle that somebody is said to have gone to bed because the bed -would not go to somebody, it seems advisable to bring Shakspeare down to -the actors because the actors can't come up to Shakspeare. - -It was once suggested that the play of "Hamlet," with the character of -Hamlet omitted, might probably lose some of its effect in dramatic -representation. If this theory is a good one, it follows, as a matter of -course, that the play of "Richard the Third," with six Richards instead -of one, must be six times as good as it is with only a single embodiment -of that extraordinary character. That this is the opinion of modern -tragedians is shown by their all requiring to perform the principal part -in all tragedies: an arrangement that could only be carried out by -multiplying the chief character in a piece by the number of individuals -in a theatre who want to act it. Whether the negative capacities of -three or four individual performers can make an affirmative capacity, is -an experiment that might be tried, at all events. "Division of labour" -is a very favourite project amongst speculators in the present day; and -if Messrs. A., P., and V., are separately unequal to the effort of -sustaining the weight of the crook-backed tyrant, why should not the -tyrant be cut into three—some actors, by-the-bye, cut him all to pieces— -so that each of the performers hinted at might bear a portion of the -burden? Mr. A. might do the love scene with Lady Anne; Mr. P. might -growl through the opening soliloquy; and Mr. V. might go to sleep -throughout the dream: an achievement which the drowsiness of his style -renders him fully equal to. - -That the bard of Avon contemplated the possibility of something of the -kind is shown by the expression he puts into the mouth of Richard -himself, who, in making the well-known exclamation, - - "Methinks I see six Richmonds in the field," - -may be supposed to have hinted at the possibility of there being six -competitors for his own position—that of hero of the tragedy. - - - THE DOGS' BILL. - - The goodness of Parliament all things surpasses; - Its kind fellow-feeling no pride ever clogs: - It has stooped to the representation of asses, - And during last Session it went to the dogs. - - How kind of a conclave of Solons and Daniels, - Whose wisdom and greatness there's no one disputes, - To sympathize nobly with lap-dogs and spaniels, - And adopt as their own all the feelings of brutes! - - But the dogs of the country are sore discontented, - The Bills to protect them should out have been thrown; - If the species canine is to be represented, - Why is it by London-bred puppies alone? - - Theatrical managers also will feel it— - No dogs for performance they now can engage; - In town, by the act (if they do not repeal it), - No dog can be suffered to draw on the stage. - - Dog Latin, doxology, reason dogmatic, - And physic, which oft to the dogs has been thrown,— - Are all these confined, by a plan systematic, - To the puppies residing in London alone? - - Oh! can it be ever with reason pretended - That civilization's beneficent lights - Have not to the dogs in the country extended, - Which makes them unfit for political rights? - - Oh! is there no ear in the House will be harking - To all the complaints which with justice are made? - Oh! where are the members of Houndsditch and Barking? - By them are the dogs of the country betrayed. - - - FACTS WORTH REMEMBERING. - -IN JANUARY.—That on the 8th, fire insurance policies must be attended -to; and that, although honesty is the best policy, it will not be -available in case of fire. - -IN FEBRUARY.—That, on the 7th, Dr. Maskelyne died; but as we do not know -how to pronounce an opinion on this Maskelyne, it is better for us to -remain neuter. - -[Illustration: - - DOG-DAYS—Legislation going to the Dogs. -] - -IN MARCH.—That the month is a stormy one at sea, causing leaks in ships; -and that, on the 1st, being St. David's day, leeks are worn in the hat -by Welshmen. - -IN APRIL.—That the assessed-tax papers are delivered early in the month; -and that not even the vainest of us is then disposed to overrate -himself. - -IN MAY.—That, on the 14th, vaccination was first used, in 1796; and -that, while it saved many from being pitted with the smallpox, the -invention itself may be pitted against any other. - -JUNE.—That the sun is before the clock on the 7th, which may be remedied -by putting the clock before the sun. _Mem._—It will do no good to place -it before the fire. - -JULY.—That the days decrease in the course of the month; and that on the -5th of July, 1830, Algiers lost a Dey altogether. - -AUGUST.—That Napoleon was born on the 15th, and Andrew Marvel on the -16th, but that the former was really a greater marvel than the latter. - -SEPTEMBER.—Your grapes will now begin to want looking after. If you do -not bag them yourself, and your vine happens to be in an exposed -situation, you may expect that some one will come and bag them for you. - -OCTOBER.—That melons can only be raised in hot beds; and, of course, the -hotter the bed the better the melons. Some fruit-gardeners recommend a -layer of cinders; but red-hot ashes, enclosed in a warming-pan, will -heat your bed quicker than anything. It is usual to cover the bed over -with a frame, with panes of glass in it; a good thick counterpane would -perhaps be more effective. - -NOVEMBER.—That the 5th is Guy Fawkes' day, which is commemorative of an -attempted blow up; and that the 9th is Lord Mayor's day, which is -devoted to an annual blow out. - -DECEMBER.—That the close of the year is the proper time to begin a -system of keeping accounts, for you will have plenty of accounts sent in -to enable you to commence keeping them. - -[Illustration: - - Drawing an Audience,—Rogue-ation Sunday. -] - - NOVEMBER. [1844. - -[Illustration] - - - NEW VERSION OF "ALL ROUND MY HAT." - AS SUNG NIGHTLY AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE. - - All round my hat I hang a green willow, - All round my hat for a twelvemonth and a day; - And if anybody wants to know the reason that I do so, - It's because my ingenuity has all been thrown away. - 'Twas taking my drives in the Park I first conceived it, - O, I thought the guard on duty in his hat looked a Guy; - - (SPOKEN.)—Such a hat—like an old muff sewn up at one end of it! - - And I never slept a wink, but in my mind I weaved it, - And thought my taste and fancy upon a hat I'd try. - - (SPOKEN.)—Here's your fine infantry beavers, as light as gossamers, - and as waterproof as the washable! - - All round my hat, &c. - - Oh, my hat it was tall, and my hat it was round too, - And cruel was the public taste that did my hat condemn; - It's ugliness was sure the foe to confound too, - It frightened the public, and would have frightened them. - - (SPOKEN.)—The horses of the cavalry on the other side would - have been sure to shy at it; and they would have got into such - a-rear that the riders never could have come on to the charge. But - now it's - - All round my hat, &c. - - For seven long weeks the Queen and I planned it, - For seven long weeks we turned it every way: - Bad luck to the public, they didn't understand it; - But I'll praise the hat for ever, although it's done away. - - (SPOKEN.)—Here's your fine British lion grinning at the enemy as - if he would eat 'em up; but, alas! it's - - All round my hat, &c. - - There is some sort of men so preciously particular, - They wish to see the soldiers in soldier-like array; - But for the regulation, or for taste I'm no stickler, - I only want to see the men in colours bright and gay. - - (SPOKEN.)—Do you want any hussar jackets? Wear 'em and try - 'em before you buy 'em. But it's - - All round my hat, &c. - - Oh, I gave my son a hat on the day he was born on, - Which I gave him as a plaything all to remember me; - And when he grows up, his head it will be worn on, - For an infantry colonel he very soon will be. - - (SPOKEN.)—Here's your fine full blooming annuals—cheap at any - price. Yes, that they are—but it's - - All round my hat, &c. - -[Illustration: - - Disturbed State of Wales. -] - - - ROYAL PANTOMIME. - -The nation is most respectfully informed that arrangements have been -made, on a most extensive scale, for the annual production of a new -Pantomime, to be called - - THE ROYAL TOUR; - - OR, HARLEQUIN PRINCE ALBERT, AND THE SAILOR QUEEN - OF THE SEA-GIRT ISLE. - - The Scenery entirely new, from Views taken on the spot, in England, - France, and Belgium. - - The Tricks by Neptune and assistants. - - The Changes—of air, climate, and place, by Messrs. North, South, - East, and West. - - The whole under the immediate direction of the Lord - Chamberlain. - - =Principal Characters:= - - LANDLORD OF THE GALLIC COCK (afterwards Harlequin), Mons. LOUIS - PHILIPPE; - - PRINCE FORTUNE (afterwards Lover), MONS. ALBERT: - - FORTUNATUS (his Uncle), MONS. LEOPOLD (_From the Royal Cobourg_); - - WHIRLIGIG, an Evil Genius (afterwards Clown), Herr BROUGHAM (_who - will introduce "Tippitywichit"_); - - THE GOOD GENIUS (_afterwards_ Columbine), Madame VICTOIRE; Fiends of - Mischief, by Mons. THIERS, and numerous auxiliaries. - - In the course of the Pantomime, the celebrated _Pas des Folies_, by - LA JEUNE FRANCE and YOUNG ENGLAND. The famous _Marche Diabolique_, - by Signor O'CONNELL (surnamed the Irish incredible); and the grand - _Pas de Fascination_, by Madame Victoire. - -In the course of the Pantomime will be exhibited the following - - NEW AND SPLENDID SCENERY:— - - PLYMOUTH, WITH THE MAYOR IN THE DISTANCE, - - And a bird's-eye View of the Corporation, as seen through a - telescope from the deck of the Royal Yacht. - - A GRAND NAUTICAL PANORAMA, - - With the arrival of the Royal Squadron at Treport. - - CAVE OF REVOLUTIONARY DESPAIR, - - And overthrow of the Great Dragon of War, and Grand Finale - in the REGIONS OF BLISSFULNESS, - - with the - - TRIUMPH OF THE GOOD GENIUS. - -[Illustration: - - Change for a Sovereign—an Anticipated Pantomime. -] - - 1844.] DECEMBER. - -[Illustration: - - An Arctic Circle. -] - - - THE POLAR EXPEDITION. - -Candidly speaking, a voyage to the North Pole has many advantages. In -the first place, the Polar bears are the finest in the world for bear's -grease, and it makes the hair stand on end merely to look at them. - -The North Pole is generally supposed to be a sort of sign-post, embedded -in ice, in latitude 0° 0´, longitude x° x´; and it is popularly believed -that Captain Ross not only cut his name on the pole itself, but nailed -the English standard to the top of it. It has been contemplated by some -who take an interest in these matters, to bring the North Pole to -England, and place it in the Museum as a companion to Cleopatra's -needle. Whether the passage to the North Pole will ever become a -favourite with those who travel for mere pleasure is somewhat -questionable, but there is no knowing what mercantile enterprise may do, -and an expedition to obtain bear-skin coats—particularly if undertaken -by such a house as Baring Brothers—would, if it only proved barely -remunerative, say a great deal for British enterprise. - -There is only one disadvantage attending a voyage to the Pole, which is -the difficulty of getting there, to say nothing of the extreme -improbability of getting safely back again. The forcing a passage to the -Pole is a grand achievement. And as the road is frozen up before the -expedition can return, it is always necessary to force another passage -back again. Nature certainly seems to have written up "No Thoroughfare," -and the pole itself appears to be inscribed with the words "No -admittance except on business;" but this warning has no effect upon -those enthusiasts who are determined to rush to the Pole at any -sacrifice. - - - THE LEGAL ART-UNION. - -Some doubt having been entertained as to the legality of Art-Unions, it -has been determined to establish a legal Art-Union, by which the most -expensive of known luxuries—law—can be dealt out to the subscribers upon -most reasonable terms. The Union is to consist of as many persons as -think proper to subscribe, and the object will be the bringing and -defending actions, so that debtors and creditors will equally profit by -it. - -Every subscriber, on paying six-and-eightpence, will have a declaration -delivered to him if he be a debtor; or if a creditor, he will receive a -plea; and the prizes will consist of a certain number of verdicts, to be -selected from the public exhibitions of justice, including the Courts of -Request, the Lord Mayor's, and Sheriffs' Courts. If a plaintiff draws a -prize, he will get the whole of the money; and if a debtor draws a -blank, he will have to pay it; but if the debtor and the creditor both -draw blanks, they neither of them get anything, but their loss is -limited to six-and-eightpence. If a debtor obtains a fortunate number he -is exonerated from his debt without the disgrace or inconvenience of -running away; while a creditor, even if he does not get his money, is -prevented from throwing any of the good after the bad, and thus all -parties reap advantages which they could not obtain in the regular -course of law. It is thought that the causing the verdicts to depend on -chance, and thus introducing the lottery principle into the -administration of justice, is quite in conformity with what, in nine -cases out of ten, practically happens. - -Prospectuses may be had at the chambers of Messrs. Drain, Swindle, and -Company, Solicitors to the Court of Portugal, and Attorneys -Extraordinary (most extraordinary!) to anyone employing them. - - - POST OFFICE REGULATIONS. - -The letter-carriers are all to wear uniforms, in order to carry out the -principle of the uniform postage. All the old Twopennies are placed on -the same footing as Generals. - -The mails, since the reduction of the rate, are allowed to travel slower -than formerly. The Hounslow mail being carried in a cab, and, there -being no accommodation for a guard, the Government will not be -responsible for the safe conduct of the bags beyond the Sloane Street -frontier. Letters for Kingston, not intended to go by Falmouth, should -be marked Kingston-upon-Thames, or they will be despatched to Kingston -in Jamaica. - -Money intended to benefit the letter-carriers should be enclosed in an -envelope addressed to any friend of the writer. By registering the -letter, the liberal object will be defeated. - - - CATECHISM OF POLITICS FOR THE FRENCH. - -_Q._ How do you define politics? - -_A._ It is the science of constructing new governments; the first step -to which is the destruction of the existing one. - -_Q._ In what do we make it chiefly to consist? - -_A._ In abusing our neighbours, and quarrelling amongst ourselves. - -_Q._ To what do we generally apply ourselves in peace? - -_A._ In insulting the English. - -_Q._ How are we occupied in war? - -_A._ In being beaten by the English. - -_Q._ How do we profit by war? - -_A._ It gives us material for clap-traps on the stage. - -_Q._ How do we profit by defeat? - -_A._ In calling it a victory. - -_Q._ How do we maintain our boast that we are the most ingenious nation -on the earth? - -_A._ By employing the ingenuity of Englishmen in all our great public -works. - - - POETICAL CALENDAR, - AND - CHRONOLOGY FOR THE YEAR 1843. - - - JANUARY. - - This month its name distinctly traces - Unto the god that has two faces: - From which we fairly may assume - It should be sacred now to Brough'm. - -5th. Further decline in the revenue; the decline being caused by a want -of consumption. - -26th. A million tons of chalk dislodged by gunpowder from the cliffs at -Dover. The price of milk, nevertheless, remained as usual. - - - FEBRUARY. - - From _Februa_ (meaning "pure") this month doth claim - To take its very classic Roman name. - Parliament's meeting in this month, I'm sure, - Is a mistake—What's that to do with "pure?" - -15th. Intelligence received from Captain Ross, who had been to join a -very select circle at the Antarctic. - -21st. The trustees of a life-boat at North Shields fined ten shillings -for bringing some clothes to shore; it being decided that such boats are -not to be used to bring clothes to any one in possession of life, but -only to prevent any one's life from being brought to a close. - -24th. Great curling match at Eglinton Castle, which Lord Eglinton won by -nine shots. The curling was not tried upon hare. - - - MARCH. - - This month, called MARCH, from Mars, is full of bluster, - For Boreas doth his windy forces muster. - Mars and old Boreas give mutual shocks; - One sending equal blows, the other EQUI-KNOCKS. - -1st. Dr. Candlish lectured at London Wall amidst great confusion. The -congregation not being in a candle-ish humour, refused to be -enlightened. - -7th. Lord Teynham moved in the Lords for the abrogation of the clause in -the Poor Law Bill separating man and wife. The motion was lost, several -of the peers declaring the clause to be very beneficial to both parties. - -25th. The Thames Tunnel opened, and the public let in; the privilege -being no longer confined to the shareholders. - - - APRIL. - - Whether this month to Flora or to Ceres - The Romans gave, admits of many queries. - _Aperio_ is "to open:" this suggestion - Proves 'twas intended for an open question: - -1st. Public curiosity excited by the announcement of the invention of an -Aerial Ship. It was predicted that the ship would fall to the ground; -but it never rose high enough to allow of the prediction being verified. - -12th. The Servian question settled by the Russian cabinet stipulating -for a new sovereign. The old sovereign had not sufficient weight, being, -probably, one of the light sovereigns that a proclamation had been -previously directed against. - -25th. The prizes of the Art-Union drawn at Drury Lane Theatre; and Her -Majesty presented the nation on the same day with a prize—in the shape -of another princess. - - - MAY. - - MAY formerly was sacred to Apollo: - The ancients little thought of what would follow,— - That MAY—descending to the lowest deeps— - Should e'er by fate become the fête of sweeps! - -1st. A molar tooth extracted from a person during mesmeric sleep. He -retained his unconsciousness in spite of his teeth. - -16th. The Greenwich peerage became extinct by the giving way of the -stone structure. The slates on the roof remained firm to the last, and -behaved like bricks. - -25th. Sir Valentine Blake moved for leave to bring in a Bill to restore -the Irish Parliament. The motion not being seconded, he took leave of -his own accord, and withdrew. - - - JUNE. - -Juno and JUNE so nearly are the same, One from the other must have got -its name. The sign is Cancer, "crab:" and all admit That Juno's crabbed -temper it would fit. - -19th. The judges replied to the questions of the House of Lords on -monomania, to the effect that partial insanity does not affect legal -responsibility; which settled the question whether Lord Brougham could -be considered legally responsible to the Birds, supposing they had -brought an action against him. - -30th. The Bill for the "Mutual Surrender of Criminals" read a second -time in the House of Lords, but no allusion was made to the question, -whether the English dramatists would be liable to be given up—as arrant -thieves—to the French authorities. - - - JULY. - - This month _Quintilis_, or "the fifth," was reckoned, - Till Julius Cæsar gave a first and second: - From which arrangement it at once appears - That Julius Cæsar has prolonged our years. - -15th. Father Mathew arrived at Liverpool, and the tide rose unusually -high, the water obtaining an extraordinary state of elevation. - -23rd. O'Connell holds a repeal meeting at Tuam, and his exhortations on -the subject of rent prove that he understands the interest of meum as -well as that of _tuum_. - - - AUGUST. - - Augustus Cæsar, seized by love of fame, - Gave to this seasonable month his name. - To Ceres it was dedicated: ergo, - Its sign zodiacal, of course, was Virgo. - -28th. The Queen and Prince Albert embark on a marine excursion, and the -sea puts on the smoothest face possible. - -31st. The Agricultural Improvement Society meet at Belfast. Several -members exhibited much ground for improvement. - - - SEPTEMBER. - - From _septem_ "seven," and from _himber_, "shower." - Because SEPTEMBER pours with all its power, - The month derives its title, it is plain, - From the small fact that rain began its reign. - -2nd. The Queen arrives at Tréport, and the King of Hanover leaves -England. These auspicious events are hailed with much rejoicing. - -5th. The Antarctic expedition arrives at Deal, having been four years -abroad. Captain Ross had ascertained the fact that there is but one -magnetic pole in the southern hemisphere—a result that was arrived at by -applying an ordinary darning needle to the pole, which turned out not to -be magnetic. - -21st. Mr. O'Connor, of Inch, proposed that the repealers should pay rent -no longer; but the policy of this not being a-pa-rent, the motion was -negatived. - - - OCTOBER. - - OCTOBER has its name from _octo_, "eight," - Though 'tis the tenth p'rhaps 'tis as well to state. - Such sixes and such sevens the months were knocked to, - That ten became translated into _octo_. - -4th. News arrived of the loss of the overland mail, and the persons -expecting their correspondence left in a state of unlettered ignorance. - -25th. Nomination of candidates for the City. Mr. Baring put up with Mr. -Pattison; but the electors refusing to put up with Mr. Baring, put him -down in Mr. Pattison's favour. - - - NOVEMBER. - - Our Saxon fathers, be it understood, - Used in this month to kill and salt their food. - The modern practice is the other way, - Namely, to eat it all on Lord Mayor's Day. - -9th. Alderman Magnay elected Mayor. _Magna est veritas._ Wood if he -could. - - - DECEMBER. - - This month, at last, time's annual circle fills, - But empties pockets with its Christmas bills! - The prickly holly every place adorns, - Showing that Christmas pleasures have their thorns. - - - THE OMNIBUS CONDUCTORS' LAMENT. - - Such meddling sure was never known, - We wish we could be left alone; - Why could they not contented rest - With placing badges on our breast? - There's none that could with patience bear - His heart upon his sleeve to wear - But we are taken by the throats, - Made to unbosom on our coats; - And the conductors' badge must be - The badge of shameful slavery. - But now another act they've passed, - More cruel even than the last; - It says we shall not dare to race - But only go a certain pace. - Oh! have we not been always taught - That racing is a noble sport? - Unless with energy we drive, - Our horses can't be kept alive. - But Parliament goes on to say - We shall not loiter on the way - 'Twixt one and t'other can we know - The rate at which we ought to go? - 'Tis hard to say, 'twixt this and that - What Parliament is driving at. - And then—'tis quite beyond a joke, - We're even not allowed to smoke; - What right has Parliament to say - That fashion's laws we shan't obey? - They'll tell us next, 'tis like enough, - They will not have us up to snuff; - 'Tis most unjust to treat us thus, - And be so busy with each bus! - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1845. - - - A SHORT TREATISE ON TIDES. - -The tides have baffled the ingenuity of some of our greatest -philosophers, though Halley was more successful than any one else in his -attempts to get to the bottom of them. - -If we were disposed to go deeply into the tides, we should require the -reader to follow us through a variety of mysterious hieroglyphics, which -we are sure would be unintelligible to the majority. Dashes, crosses, -circles, and triangles would be scattered over the perplexing page in -profusion, while the only result might be, that as 0 is to a hyphen, so -would be a couple of asterisks. - -We, therefore, prefer leaving the study of the tides to those whose -taste for the subject would lead them to a practical acquaintance with -it, which may be picked up anywhere up or down the river. - - - THE ECLIPSES FOR 1845. - -On the 6th of May there will be an eclipse of the sun; but whose son it -is to be the almanack does not mention. - -On the 24th of March there will be a total eclipse of the moon, only -visible in London. A rabid leader will appear in the "_Nationale_," and -the feelings of the editor will quite run away with him, on account of -Paris being eclipsed on this occasion by _le perfide_ London. - -On the 30th of October there will be a total eclipse of the Horse -Guards' illuminated clock by a tremendous fog. This eclipse is expected -to give such satisfaction, that it has already been announced for -repetition on the following evening; but after the 31st the fog will be -dropt. - -On the 13th of November there will be a partial eclipse of the sun—that -is to say, the eclipse will show its partiality by being only visible to -those in a high station, who look up to it. It will first show itself to -Primrose Hill about four seconds after eight, A.M. It will look in upon -Professor Airy at the Greenwich Observatory about five minutes after -nine. - -There will be a number of eclipses in the political world next year; but -we do not intend to throw any light upon them. No doubt Lord John -Russell will do his best to eclipse Sir Robert Peel, and that eccentric -planet, Brougham, will strive as much as he can to eclipse Campbell, and -throw him completely into the shade. - -[Illustration: - - TWELFTH NIGHT. -] - - - "TWELFTH-NIGHT: OR, WHAT YOU WILL." - - Hail to the Twelfth-Night King! whose reign - Is short, but truly merry; - His ministers are cake, champagne, - Hot negus, port, and sherry. - - His subjects are the young and gay. - Who their allegiance own; - Over the drawing-room is his sway— - An easy-chair his throne. - - It once was very truly said, - By poet of renown; - Somewhat uneasy is the head - That's doomed to wear a crown. - - The Twelfth-Night King is free from care, - No crown his ease can balk; - 'Tis much too small for him to wear— - That little crown of chalk. - - No cares of state before him rise, - No treaties, but a treat; - Sugar in every shape and guise, - Gives sweets unto his _suite_. - - Hostilities he need not dread, - Like some in regal stations; - A Twelfth-Night King is at the head - Of friendliest relations. - - - FACTS THAT DO NOT COME WITHIN THE RECOLLECTION - OF THE OLDEST INHABITANT. - - The invasion of England by the Prince de Joinville. - The liberty of the French press. - A ministry of one year's duration in Spain. - The presentation of the accounts of St. Stephen's, Walbrook. - A good engraving from the Art-Union. - A fine day in Glasgow. - - - HOROSCOPES MADE EASY TO THE MEANEST - CAPACITY - -Of course every one knows that horoscopes are divisible into twelve -classes, and that one of the twelve Signs of the Zodiac is at the head -of each class. With this information any one with the aid of the -following learned treatise will be able to cast his own nativity or that -of any other person. - -The first sign of the Zodiac is - - - LIBRA, - -Which formerly belonged to a person of the name of Themis, but was taken -from her for using false weights, and hung up, as a warning to -tradesmen, among the constellations. Who at present holds them Lemprière -omits to say. The Libra are uppermost in the Zodiac from the 22nd of -September to the 21st of October; consequently, any one born during that -period is put into the scales and weighed accordingly. Churchwardens who -cannot balance their accounts, and Ramo Samees who can balance anything, -are generally born under the sign of Libra. It favours also young ladies -who hear from Joseph Ady, and are blest with a large balance at their -bankers. - -The second on the list is - - - SCORPIO, - -Whose malice and sting come into play from the last-mentioned date, and -penetrate everywhere up to the 21st November. - -Sheriffs' officers, lawyers, stage-door keepers, and anthropophagi, are -always born under this constellation. - - - SAGITTARIUS - -Comes next. Old Chiron, the Nimrod of his day, dwells at this Sign of -the Zodiac. He was put in possession of it by Jupiter for having taught -Achilles how to pull the long-bow. He favours Derby sweeps and the -Epping Hunt, but his patronage cannot be of much value to the latter, as -his influence is only good from the 22nd of November to the 21st of -December. - -The _protégé_ of Sagittarius is generally fond of hunting the slipper -and shooting the moon. He is known by his carpet bag, stuffed with -bricks and straw. He sports a moustache, but never shows any tip. - -The fourth sign is - - - CAPRICORNUS, - -Who was originally Jupiter's wet-nurse. His lease of the Zodiac extends -to the 21st of January, after which he is obliged to pull in his horns. - -This constellation is noted for the number of stupid people who are born -under it. They believe everything they see advertised, and put their -trust in pills and Moses and Son. They are mostly called "Gents." They -spend their money in Coal-holes, and smoke a kind of cabbage called -"cheroot." They abound at promenade concerts, and on the tops of -omnibuses and paddle-boxes on Sundays. - -[Illustration: - - FLYING ARTILLERY. -] - -Capricornus, when he has finished going the Circuit of the Zodiac, is -succeeded by - - - AQUARIUS, - -Or the Watering-pot. Aquarius is only allowed to _reign_ till the 21st -of February. The former name of this Sign was Ganymede, who was taken up -for sheep-stealing by an eagle, who was noted for being the first beak -of his day. He was carried before Jupiter, who condemned him to pour out -the nectar at a free-and-easy, of which he was chairman, in Olympus; but -upon being detected mixing the grog of the gods, who always took their -liquor neat, Ganymede was, in consequence of his foolish propensity to -cold water, sentenced to take the _sobriquet_ of Aquarius, which, before -the Flood, was the Latin for Father Mathew. - -Aquarius is the patron Sign of Vauxhall, which he makes his residence -during the summer months. Temperance and Teetotal people are born under -his benignant favour. Doctors, too, are his children owing to their -liberal use of _aqua pompaginis_. One half of the London milk is -supplied to the metropolis by Aquarius. - - - PISCES - -Makes up the half-dozen of the constellations. Fish in the Zodiac, it -seems, comes into season about the 22nd of February, but will not keep -after the 22nd of March. Very little is known about the private history -of these strange Pisces; they are supposed to have been a couple of John -Dorys, who, Neptune having advertised in "_Lloyd's List_" for a wife, -introduced Amphitrite, a Wapping lady, to share his oyster-bed with him. -Neptune in return, gave the Pisces the entire swim of the Zodiac, where, -if Aquarius did not brandish his watering-pot right and left about him -for a month before them, they would have nothing but currents of air and -thorough drafts to swim in. This would have made them feel very much -like fishes out of water. The Pisces look after picnics and ministerial -white-bait dinners. - - - ARIES - -Makes his triumphal entry into the circus of the Zodiac on the 20th of -March, and keeps on the move till the 21st of April. He was the original -proprietor of the Golden Fleece, but having, from his hasty temper, got -into Chancery, he was fleeced, and then locked up for life in the -Zodiac. He encourages the breed of April fools, and looks after -Chancellors and lawyers that they may have abundance of clients. - - - TAURUS - -Is the prototype of John Bull, who crossed the British Channel with a -pair of corks, and, landing at Calais, carried off Europe, or Europa. -Young France has often attempted to take this bull by the horns; but, as -Old Moore quaintly expresses it, "Y^e puppyes aint yett buorn thatt can -baitte y^e Johnn Bull." Taurus looks after the Spanish Legion and the -Lumber Troop, and gives them their indomitable valour. Sir Robert Peel -was born under this constellation, which accounts for his having offered -his constituents at Tamworth a Bull. Taurus superintends the bulls that -are kept in the Vatican at Rome; and all Irishmen who are born between -the 22nd of April and 21st of May, are under his influence. Taurus -frequently shows himself at fairs and market-days, when, if the weather -is at all hot, he will toss any one for a cool hundred at heads or -tails. - - - GEMINI - -Are nine, though properly only two, in the order of Signs. Castor and -Pollux are the twins alluded to. Their berth in the constellations they -received from Jupiter, and very naturally too, as he was their father. -Their mother was Leda, a regular Spartan, but no relation to the present -member for Westminster. The saying of "What a shocking bad hat!" was -first applied to Castor. Beggarwomen, who exhibit two children on a door -step, very unlike one another, are relieved under the lucky star of the -Twins. Castor and Pollux go on very well till the 21st of June, when, as -it is longest day in the year, they generally get tired of one another's -company, and do not come together again for a twelvemonth. - - - CANCER - -Is a very bad Sign, indeed. It first attacked Hercules when he was -attempting to come Van Amburgh over the Hydra. Hercules did not take the -Cancer very much to heart, however; but, with one blow, packed him off -to Heaven, where, there being a place vacant at the time in the Zodiac, -the Cancer was sworn into it, and has filled it very creditably ever -since. Cancer sometimes puts the seasons out of order, by thinking he is -a crab, and walking accordingly, which is always the case when the -summer is a little _backward_. - - - LEO - -Is the next that comes upon the _tapis_ of the Zodiac. It is the same -Leo whom Hercules got over in the forest of Ardennes, by means of animal -magnetism, having thrown him into a state of _coma_, with a few passes -of his club. This made the second candidate Hercules returned to the -Zodiac Parliament. England (not the Young—but the Old) was born under -the protection of the Lion, who, for this reason, is always called by -orators the "British Lion," and painted on signboards, giving his paw to -the British arms, in friendly confab with the British Unicorn. Mr. -Carter, the greatest Lion tamer since Hercules, was born during this -month; and young dandies and authors, who patronize tea-parties, are -called "Lions." - - - VIRGO - -Comes last. She rises every year on the 22nd of August, and goes to bed, -in her golden palace of the East, on the 21st of September. - - - ODE TO LOVE. - WRITTEN ON ST. VALENTINE'S DAY. - - Oh, Love! how potent is thy sway; - Thou'rt terrible indeed to most men! - But once a year there comes a day, - When thou tormentest chiefly postmen. - - Oh, hard indeed the lot must be, - Of him who wears thy galling fetters! - But e'en more miserable he - Who must go round with all thy letters! - - When at the door our vision greets - The postman, as he knocking stands; - The hearts of half-a-dozen streets, - Perchance he carries in his hands. - - It seems a profanation quite, - That all the sentimental touches - Which lovers hit on when they write, - Should be within a postman's clutches. - - Must the affections of the heart, - To trade with which no lover fancies, - Be then degraded to a part - Of England's national finances? - - Must all that love has fondly said, - Freely, with no reserve to cramp it, - Require a little square Queen's head - To give it currency and stamp it? - - Must sentiment extremely fine - Be down the area rudely cast; - The postman bawling, "Valentine!" - While in the act of going past? - - But love will lay the highest low, - Make some, despairing, seek the river - To drown themselves; while many a beau - At sight of Cupid's dart will quiver. - - - SENTIMENTS FOR THE STAGE. - - - FOR A BRITISH TAR. - -The lubber who would strike a lovely woman in distress is unworthy of -the name of T. P. Cooke. - - - FOR A PRIMA DONNA. - -Ah, Ferdinand! when treading the field of battle, when reaping laurels -for thy noble brow; when in the hour of triumph or of revelry, thou art -far from her who loves thee, still thou wilt think of Carolina, and -madly recollect, "She wore a wreath of roses." _Sings_— - - "She wore a wreath of roses." - - - FOR LORD COLLINGWOOD AT ASTLEY'S. - -Go, tell Admiral Tomkins to spare no time in bringing the enemy's ships -to surrender! Go, tell Ensign Sir Hildebrand Smith instantly to board -the 90-gun frigate; and let the memorable words of our noble admiral -ring with electric shouts through the entire British fleet, that -"England expects every man this day will do his duty." - - - FOR A HEROINE OF DOMESTIC DRAMA. - -Take thy gold, base lord, and know that the heart which truly loves, -though beating in the humble breast of a housemaid, would sooner die on -the rack of the Inquisition first, than wear the velvet robe of infamy. -From my heart I spurn you.—[_Throws purse at his feet._] - - - FOR A GENEROUS BROKER. - -Come dry up your tears, Missus; and as long as I have a crust, or a -roof, in the house, you are welcome to share it with me—for the man who -is not affected when a lovely woman cries is a heartless wretch, who -deserves to walk through life branded with infamy. - - - FOR A CONSCIENCE-STRICKEN STEWARD. - -Ah! that picture. It reminds me of a long-lost daughter. In moments of -darkness it has smiled upon me, and seemed to say, "True happiness is in -our own minds. It is not purchased by riches, or dependent on fraud. It -is only acquired by virtue, but shrinks abashed from vice." Ah! the -picture smiles again! The eyes beam on me—the nostrils dilate—the mouth -speaks—everything counsels me to be good. Yes! I _will_ return my -ill-begotten wealth, and henceforth strive to become that noblest work -of Nature, an honest man.—[_Falls down before the picture and weeps._] - -[Illustration: - - THE DAY AFTER—"St. Patrick's Day in the morning." -] - - - THE REASON FOR FUDDLING ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY, - - I've often heard it asked by many, - Why on St. Patrick's Day - Poor Paddies will expend their only penny, - Moistening their thirsty clay: - There is no record that the saint was given - To that strong "dew," which smacks of earth—not heaven. - Yet, stop! - 'Tis said, in a profane effusion - Of some old villain, - That Patrick's mother, to the Saint's confusion, - Kept in Inniskillin - A sheebeen shop; - But this I honestly believe's abuse, - Invented by some faithless boozing sinner, - Who wanted anything as an excuse - To take his fourteenth tumbler after dinner. - The saint I'm certain was a saint devout, - Drinking the purling stream quite "cold without;" - In fact he'd taken the teetotal pledge: - For what cared he for whisky, port, or sherries, - Who ate his hunk of bacon 'neath a hedge, - From which he plucked a poor dessert of berries? - Because - Red hips and haws - Are not like filberts, and their attendant salt, - Those strong provocatives to make men "malt." - The only cause that I could e'er discover, - Why on the anniversary of ST. PAT. - Your true Milesian will get half-seas-over - (And sometimes more than that), - Is—and the reason's simpler than you think it— - Whilst any man, - Like Kinahan, - Brews L L whisky—somebody must drink it. - -[Illustration] - - - LONDON IMPROVEMENTS. - - Improvement, hail! Thy busy hand - To court or alley gives no quarter; - Against thee nothing now can stand: - Thou art too strong for bricks and mortar. - - Before the parapets and tiles, - Houses and streets promiscuous fall; - Thou hast so altered old St. Giles, - Few now would know him, by St. Paul. - - The gallant captains, Parry, Ross, - Each made the trial once or twice, - To take a desperate cut across - Some awful blocks of thick-ribbed ice. - - "No thoroughfare," did nature cry, - So Ross and Parry homewards flew: - London Improvement doth defy - Each _cul de sac_, and cuts it through. - - At parlour, factory, or shop, - At public entrance, private door, - Or window e'en, it does not stop, - But rudely pushes more and more. - - Improvement, too, performs a task, - Worthy a scientific hand; - Turns sand into the sugar cask, - Thus into sugar turning sand. - - - OPENING OF THE ROYAL EXCHANGE. - - Days have been often big with fate, - But ne'er was day so big of yore, - As the October twenty-eight, - In eighteen hundred forty-four. - That day will memorable be, - When taken in by history's range; - For on it thousands went to see - Victoria open the Exchange. - Serene was the morning, - And plenty of gravel - Was spread on the road - Which the Queen had to travel. - Busy policemen far and wide - Were spread upon the pavement's side; - Who oft the truncheon bravely drew - 'Gainst those who would the line break through. - At length her Majesty appears, - Amid enthusiastic cheers; - There's not a gossamer or beaver - But what is waving to receive her. - Her dress was satin rich and rare, - A silver tissue, neat but splendid,— - The sleeves were short; and from the hair - Two matchless brilliants were suspended. - A riband o'er her shoulder hung, - Of costly jewels was the border; - To which with graceful ease was slung - The star that marks the Garter's Order. - Prince Albert, at her side, was dressed - In uniform without a crease, - While carelessly across his breast - Was thrown the Order of the Fleece - Chamberlain, Master of the Horse, - Were present, as a matter of course. - Assist me, Muses, while I throw - The whole procession into verse: - For metre hath an easy flow, - And poetry is always terse. - Lifeguards sent on before to clear the ways, - First carriage drawn by half a dozen bays, - Containing Usher of the Sword of State, - The Exon of the Yeomen of the Guard, - Usher of Privy Chamber, Page to wait, - Each thought himself, no doubt, a wondrous "card." - Carriage the second, drawn by bays as well, - With Lord and Groom in Waiting on the Prince, - And Silver Stick,—such an alarming swell, - He's spoken scarce to anybody since. - Third carriage, drawn by bays again, - Which did a splendid load contain: - The Treasurer of the Household he was one; - Was it supposed any might dare to dun? - 'Tis prudent of her Majesty, though funny, - Always to go about well stocked with money. - Fourth carriage—bays again—had for its freight - Four of the minor officers of State. - In carriage five—drawn by bays also, six, - There sits at ease the costliest of sticks— - Gold Stick, of course, is meant; and Norfolk's earl - Sits opposite a very pretty girl,— - A Maid of Honour; while on t' other side - A Woman of the Bedchamber doth ride. - Carriage the sixth is drawn along - By six black horses large and strong; - That carriage ample seats affords - Unto two ladies and two lords. - Now follow Yeomen of the Guard, - Now Footmen, four and four; - Now the state coach, with Grooms right hard - Against the wheels and door— - In fact, there is, without a joke, - A footman placed at every spoke. - Within the coach a form is seen; - It is Her Majesty the Queen! - Who seems extremely puzzled how - To keep upon the constant bow. - Prince Albert vainly at her side - Attempts the labour to divide; - He shows that he is nothing loth - To make obeisances for both. - But no! the people wish the two - To join in a grand bow _de deux_. - And thus Her Majesty the Queen, - Like to a Chinese mandarin, - Is forced to keep her head in action - Throughout the entire city's range: - Great must have been her satisfaction - To find some prospect of a 'Change!' - -[Illustration: - - LADY DAY—Old & New Style. -] - - - ODE TO FASHION. - - Oh, Fashion! it were vain, indeed, - To try your wondrous flights to follow; - Onward at such a pace you speed, - Beating the _Belle Assemblée_ hollow. - - One moment hovering on our coats, - To change the cutting of the skirts; - Then with rude grasp you seize our throats, - Altering the collars of our shirts. - - Now trimming up with ribands gay, - And flowers as well, a lady's bonnet; - Then with rude hand tearing away - Each bit of finery upon it. - - Shrouding one day the arm from sight, - In sleeve so large that six might share it, - And making it next month so tight - 'Tis scarcely possible to bear it. - - Upon a lady's dress, again, - With arbitrary hand it pounces; - Making it one day meanly plain, - Then idly loading it with flounces. - - But one of Fashion's worst attacks, - By which mankind she most ill-uses, - Has been in dooming us to sacks, - From Taglionis down to blouses. - - I'd rather wear the shaggy coat, - That hangs upon the heedless heifer, - Than what I've seen at door-posts float, - As a "Gent's Fashionable Zephyr." - - Then, fickle Fashion, fare thee well, - To follow thee I'll not endeavour; - The fabled frog should warn the swell, - My motto is—"highlows for ever." - -[Illustration: - - SUPERIOR CRAFT—IN DOCK AND OUT OF DOCK. -] - - - NOTE ON THE NAVAL FORCES OF GREAT BRITAIN. - BY A FRENCH ADMIRAL. - -This note is avowedly designed as a companion to the pamphlet of the -Prince de Joinville, which was intended to show how easily England might -be taken by the French; but omitted to say how the matter might have -been taken by the English. The note is written with the same exactitude -as to facts, the same knowledge of the subject, and the same spirit of -candour by which all recent French works on England have been -distinguished. We give an abridgement of the note, which, in its -original state, is extremely full, and at the same time particularly -empty. - -"In looking at the state of the English marine, I turned my attention to -the _depôts_ for marine stores, which of course comprise the whole of -the naval resources of perfidious Albion. To judge of the British marine -from the state of the marine stores, nothing can be more contemptible -than the former, because nothing can be more insignificant than the -latter. I asked one of the marine-store dealers how he would provision a -man-of-war with beef for a long voyage, and he had nothing to show me -but a quantity of beef bones, which he valued at five pounds for -twopence. The English sailors, it is well known, cannot fight unless -they are maddened with grog; and I looked over the marine-store dealer's -establishment for the exciting liquid. I looked in vain; for he had only -an enormous quantity of empty bottles, some of which he told me he had -that day been purchasing. I must do the English the justice to say that -they provide well for the dressing of the wounds of their sailors, for -the marine stores include vast heaps of linen rags, some of which I -observed were brought from persons casually coming into the _depôt_ to -dispose of them. - -"Being desirous of avoiding any feeling of partiality or prejudice, I -determined not to be satisfied with a mere examination of the stores, -which must constitute the true strength of a nation's marine; and I -resolved to see her vessels afloat on the Thames, for which purpose I -made for the river. I made directly for Hungerford, one of her richest -ports, and found a considerable fleet of steamers, several of which were -manned, and at work, so that I could well judge of their capabilities. -They seemed for the most part well officered, but there appeared a want -of enthusiasm among the men; and a great deal of quarrelling went on -among the various captains, which proves that the British navy is not in -that state of union which the English flag—the _Jean d'Amitie_, or Union -Jack—is emblematical of. - -"Determined to give a fair trial to the merits of the British marine, I -asked of the perfidious Britons themselves which was the best boat, and -each began vociferating loudly the praises of the vessels before me, on -the deck of one of which, _L'Homme pas marié_ (the _Bachelor_), I soon -found myself. She had no guns with her, and when I asked the captain -where they were, he laughed in my face, knowing, of course that the -French Cabinet would submit to any humiliation rather than undertake a -war with his, the captain of the _Bachelor's_, Government. At Chelsea, -which is to London what Havre is to us, there was a flotilla of two -vessels, and there was a great deal of small craft lying about, which as -I passed appeared to assume an insolent attitude. On leaving the vessel -I was made to produce a portion of the ship's papers, which I had been -made to hold in my possession, and pay fourpence for before I was -permitted even to embark on board the vessel. If England still avoids a -war it is not the superiority of her craft, which is wretched enough, -but it is something more than her craft—it is her astounding cunning." - - - QUARTER DAY. - - (_Communicated by the late Capt. Herbert Reginald De Courcy._) - -In some remote parts of England there exists an absurd notion, that -tenants are bound by some obsolete law to pay rent four times a year. As -I always entertained very opposite opinions on matters of Dr. and Cr. to -the mercantile portion of my fellow-creatures (having entered the army -at the early age of sixteen), I was preparing on the 25th of June, 18—, -to avail myself of the loveliest moonlight night that I ever witnessed, -to transport the few valuables that several years of half-pay had left -me, when I was presented with a short note from the sheriff of -Middlesex, in which the worthy functionary expressed a strong desire to -avail himself of any trifles I might possess to the amount of 48_l._ -9_s._ 6_d._ - -This circumstance so utterly disgusted me with the world that I -determined to put an end to my existence, and having communicated my -intention to my wife, she not only concurred in the policy of my -determination, but expressed her willingness to assist me in its -perpetration. It was to the hands of that once-excellent woman that I -owe as respectable a death as ever terminated the chequered life of a -captain of Foot, for on the 18th of July, 18—, the following -announcement appeared in the _Times_ newspaper, under the head of -"Deaths:"— - -"On the 16th ult., of decline, Captain Herbert Reginald de Courcy, of -the —— Regiment of Foot. His loss will not be easily supplied in the -_corps_, of which he was a distinguished and respected member. He served -a considerable time at Birmingham, where he was quartered for eight -months." - -The next day I laid aside my wig, shaved off my moustachios, and removed -a false front tooth, which I had worn since infancy, and the -metamorphosis was so complete, that having one day imprudently ventured -into the park, a tailor, to whom I was indebted a considerable sum, -actually inquired of me the way to the Colosseum. - -Mrs. Captain de Courcy shortly after obtained her pension as an -officer's widow, and for some years I enjoyed my ghosthood without a -single unpleasant interruption; but - - "This world is but a fleeting show, - For man's delusion given; - There's nothing certain here below" - -but death and quarter-day. About a month ago I discovered that Mrs. -Captain De Courcy had presumed upon my decease, and actually considered -herself in a state of widowhood, for ever since she has admitted to her -table a very uncomfortably good-looking fellow, of the name of Briggs. -What can I do? She defies me to interfere. _I_ am only her cousin from -Yorkshire. Should I say a word, the authorities at the War Office might -object that I was "returned killed" by a decline, and possibly be -mercenary enough to deprive me of my hard-earned pension. Again, I say, -what am I to do? As an officer and a gentleman, I ought to resent the -injury. I will—I swear it, come what may—I will throw off the mask. I -will kick Briggs, and uphold the honour of my profession, but not till -this day has passed, for this (I blush while I write it), this is -quarter-day, and I can't afford it. - -[Illustration: - - THE SPRING QUARTER. -] - - - SPRING: AFTER THOMSON. - - A poem on Spring I could indite, - Through a whole canto I could run it; - But then I feel 'tis useless quite, - For Thomson has already done it. - He's worked the subject through and through, - Looked at it under all its phases; - Yes, he's drained dry the very dew, - And threadbare he has worn the daisies. - - Each little flower he's made his own, - Not one to future bards resigning; - From buttercup, that stands alone, - To jasmine round a door-post twining. - To try on such a theme to sing - Were only labour lost indeed; - So well has Thomson touched the Spring, - Succeeding poets can't succeed. - - Shall I describe the tender bean, - Turning its head with caution round, - As if half-fearful to be seen - Bursting so early from the ground? - Or shall I sing the parsley mild, - Nipped by the cold autumnal frost; - Like a well-meaning forward child, - In its advances sternly crossed? - - No! let me inspiration seek - Where villagers, in cheerful clump, - With health bedecking ev'ry cheek, - Are clustering round the local pump. - That pump which, e'en as memory's tear - Gives freshness to a heart that's saddish, - By pouring out its liquid clear, - Revives once more the drooping radish. - - Or shall I sing that nice spring-van, - By pleasure-parties often sought, - When they're in treaty with a man - To drive them down to Hampton Court? - To-day a cargo of the fair, - To-morrow moving goods its duty; - That van must its allegiance share - 'Twixt furniture and female beauty. - - - THE BLIGHTED ASH. - A STORY OF A SEARED BOSOM. - -It was May! the merry month of May, and bees from flower to flower did -melodiously hum, when a traveller, wrapped in an old weather-stricken -Macintosh, wound down the little hill that enters the little village of -Somerton. The old clock had just struck the hour of sunset, and the lark -retired to his nest; the screech-owl was beginning to tune his voice for -his nocturnal screeching; while the bat, wrapped in contemplation, kept -his keen eye steadily fixed on the setting sun, which had begun to gild -the highest peak of the distant mountains. Alas! it is ever thus: man in -his haughty pride, like the mountain holding its head high above those -by which it is surrounded, only acknowledges the smile when it is too -late to take advantage of the warmth; or, to use a more homely -illustration, we cherish the ray, though we may have neglected the -meridian. - -By this time the stranger had reached the bottom of the hill, and in a -few minutes he was seated before a foaming tankard of ginger-beer, and a -generous plate of captain's biscuits, in the parlour of the little -hostelry of Somerton. The host of the "Blighted Ash"—such was the name -of the hostelry—was a man a little above the middle stature, with -firmly-knit knees, a pair of shoulders slightly rounded, a forehead -bronzed by repeated exposure to an autumn sun, a capacious chest, and an -upper lip with that peculiar curl which is the sure sign of native -aristocracy. The traveller eyed him with searching interest, and the -landlord returned glance for glance, as he replenished the invigorating -pot, at the desire of his customer. At length the latter invited the -former to partake of his cheer, and the stranger having pushed the -captain's biscuits towards the host of the "Blighted Ash," both of them -fell into a profound silence, which was only disturbed by the ticking of -the clock, or the loud laugh of revelry in another room in the hostelry. - -Nearly an hour had elapsed, when the stranger, drawing his chair close -to that of his companion, looked steadily in his face, and throwing off -a flaxen wig, discovered a natural head of hair, in which Rowland seemed -to have combined with Oldridge, for the hair displayed all the gloss of -the Macassar, added to all the vigour of the Balm of Columbia. It was -but the work of an instant; and in another moment the stranger was -locked in the arms of the innkeeper, while the latter murmured out "My -son!" and the former shrieked—"My father!" - - * * * * * - -Both of them, a few days afterwards, left the "Blighted Ash," never to -return; and many a legend did the village gossips relate, of how the -landlord of the "Blighted Ash" at last found a balm for his seared -bosom. - -[Illustration: - - GOING TO S^t. PAUL'S. -] - - - GOING TO ST. PAUL'S. - - Oh! 'tis a glorious sight to see - Those rosy little chaps, - Decked by the hand of charity, - In graceful muffin caps. - - Yet wherefore place their calves so small - In unbecoming leathers, - Exposing their slight legs to all - Varieties of weathers? - - When looking at those slender legs, - We feel a thousand pangs, - To think how fragile are the pegs - On which existence hangs. - - Sure one must have a heart of stone - Those urchins to abandon! - How little—were they left alone— - They'd have, alas! to stand on. - - The very cap they're doomed to wear, - Has cruel mockery in it; - Type of a luxury so rare - They ne'er can hope to win it. - - 'Twas mockery on those heads which placed - The emblem of the muffin; - A treat they can't expect to taste— - Those boys all born to nuffin. - - Not Tantalus, who strove in vain - To grasp the luscious berry - (His fate suggested, 'tis quite plain, - The pastime of bob-cherry); - - Not Tantalus was doomed to bear - More than those luckless chaps, - Who, muffinless, must ever wear - Those tempting muffin caps. - - - A PANIC AT THE BANK. - -It was the 11th of November. It had been raining since three o'clock. A -thick fog enveloped London. Horses smoked, as if in a terrible passion -with the weather; and omnibuses rolled along, breaking for once their -daily custom of stopping at every lamp-post on the way. I had a secret -presentiment something strange would happen. - -St. Paul's struck one—two—three—four o'clock. I counted them distinctly, -one by one. They sounded like a death-knell. A dead silence ensued, -invaded only by the cries of "Cl'pam!" "M'l'end!" that broke forth in -fitful shouts from contending cads. I did not feel well. I was leaning -against a lamp-post at the corner of the Bank—wet to the skin. My mind -was very uneasy. I had that day accepted a bill. I was vowing within -myself never to accept another, when a sudden noise—a fearful rush— -recalled me to my senses. I looked around, and saw a large stream of -human beings pouring, in fearful force, from the principal door of the -Bank. Man seemed leagued in enmity against man—clerk looked on -fellow-clerk with the lowering eyes of a malignant fiend. Their looks -alarmed me. Not a policeman was in sight! What should I do? Was the Bank -on fire? I had no money there, still there are moments when we can feel -for others. It was like a human river broken from its bank, carrying -ruin and terror wherever it went. Could it be a panic? I recollected my -Julia had 500_l._ standing there in the suitable name of Smith. I dashed -the drops of perspiration from my fevered brow. I endeavoured to -recollect myself. It was but one effort. I determined, let it cost me -what it would, to follow them to the end. - -There were full two hundred beings. They formed one unbroken, moving -mass. They were running, as if with one will, frantically together. -Their speed was unnatural. The rain only made them run the faster. Not -an umbrella had they amongst them. At last they reached the corner. The -clerks behind ran as if for their very lives. I was alarmed, and ran -after them, the agent of some mysterious fear. I lost sight of them for -a moment. Again I saw them—and, oh! what a scene presented itself to me! -A band of at least two hundred desperate clerks were struggling, -fighting madly, to get admission all into one omnibus. Their screams -were dreadful. One fat cashier was lying, dead or wounded, under the -door-step, bathed in mud. Another was shouting in agony, at the door, -unable to work his way out or in. Twenty or thirty clerks were climbing, -to the imminent peril of their lives, on to the roof. At the same time a -severe engagement was taking place amongst a determined dozen on the -box, to decide by brutal force who should remain master of the one seat. -In the algebraical fraction of a minute every place was invaded, and the -omnibus rolled away before me, like some frightful dream. How many lives -were lost I cannot tell. The subject was too painful to inquire into. I -felt a degree of pity for the pettiness of human nature, and had a -strong glass of brandy-and-water. - -Never, as long as I live, shall I forget the 11th of November! - - [This phenomenon, we have been told, is not so strange as it may - appear. Let the curious reader only be present at the Bank, on the - first _rainy_ day, when the clock strikes four, and he will - infallibly—should there be only one omnibus in waiting—witness the - same desperate struggle for places as occurred to our German-minded - correspondent on the memorable 11th. It is a very amusing sport, we - have been told, to be a spectator (under an umbrella) of this - animated clerk-race.] - - - LINES WRITTEN IN A LADY'S ALBUM. - BY THE LATE DANIEL LAMBERT. - - Ellen, I will not praise thine eyes, - Nor laud the beauties of thy cheek; - For I have grown into a size, - That ladies titter when I speak - Of love! and vow they'll ne'er be won - By suitors weighing half a ton. - - I will not sing of every spell - That decks thy form—thou'rt not for me; - For I've a voice that doth excel - A school-boy blowing in a key: - And lovely lips have o'er and o'er - Declared my singing quite a bore. - - But let me breathe this fervent prayer, - That when to him thou hold'st most dear - Thou yield'st thine hand, oh! make him swear - To shun the wiles of bottled beer; - And, should he pause, then point me out, - And say—"Behold, that's horrid stout!" - - - FINE ART DISTRIBUTION. - - I've got a ticket, goodness, what a saving! - A guinea for a very fine engraving. - Ten shillings is its value—some say five; - But what of that? the Fine Arts ought to thrive: - And if its real worth were but a shilling, - To patronize the arts all must be willing. - But of their eagerness, the best solution - Is the most gratifying fact, - That to the plate a chance is tacked - In some most promising Fine Art distribution, - How anxious all must feel, - At every circuit of the wheel, - When the reflection doth arise, - That one in several thousands gains a prize; - That prize a picture worth one hundred pounds! - According to the artist's estimate. - But when the critics come to judge, odd zounds! - They set it down at a much lower rate. - Art Unions have to all things been applied; - Twelfth-cakes, pianofortes, and Stilton cheese; - And fifty other articles beside, - Which could be made a pretext just to squeeze - A little money from the public pocket. - But now no more is to be got, - Parliament thought 'twas a bad lot, - And down one day accordingly did knock it. - - - GARDENING FOR LADIES. - THE MAMMA'S CALENDAR FOR JULY. - -Your daughters now demand your serious attention. Dress and plant them -in rows for evening parties. Weed poor relations. Sift "Debrett's -Peerage" well through, and do your best to nail the oldest branches. Lay -traps for bets at races, and hoe young gentlemen for gloves. Calculate -the advantages of foreign, as compared with English husbandry, and -cultivate whichever promises to turn out best. Remove younger daughters -to the nursery, and towards the 30th transplant young sprigs to narrow -beds at preparatory schools. Cut your box at the opera, and look forward -to spa watering for the autumn. Trim your old man well, if he does not -come out handsomely: if the trimming should fail, forcing must be -resorted to. Put your frames in muslin bags, and cart away loose -furniture to the Pantechnicon. Graft slips on window-panes, labelled "To -Let," and harrow your servants with board wages. Clear out your -husband's purse, or if he is rather backward this year, transplant him -to back kitchen; and, screening yourselves from exposure, drill -policemen to say "the family have gone out of town." - -[Illustration: - - HORTICULTURAL FATE. -] - - - THE HORTICULTURAL FATE. - - The morn was beautiful and bright, - The sun—that general adorner— - Was gilding with its glowing light - The iron rails at Hyde Park Corner. - - The lodge beneath its radiance gleamed,— - Into some curds there shot a ray; - As if within the bowl it dreamed - To find on earth the milky whey. - - Lured by the clearness of the sky, - A party, though the hour was late, - Resolved on ordering a fly, - To waft them to the Chiswick _Fête_. - - And by those sympathetic chains - Few can describe, but each one owns, - The same idea had struck the Paynes, - Brown, Thompson, Edwards, Smith, and Jones. - - Oh, sympathy! thou hast the power - To make twelve hearts in concert throb; - And eke to give, within one hour, - Twelve different liv'rymen a job. - - Thus did thine influence extend - (Explain it, ye who study physic); - Making a lot of parties send - For vehicles, to go to Chiswick. - - No sooner had they reached the spot, - Than straight the sky is seen to lower; - And, like a curious watering-pot, - Pours down a most terrific shower. - - The _belles_ can't save their satin bows, - Their silks are watered—how they scamper - Fate on that _fête_ unkindly throws - A sudden, but decisive damper. - - - NOTES OF A CONTINENTAL TOUR, - IN THE SUMMER OF 1844. - - BY SAMUEL SPOONER, ESQUIRE, - - FELLOW OF THE ROYAL HUMANE SOCIETY, &c., &c. - -Happening to be at Ramsgate in the summer of 1844, and being much out of -spirits at the loss of 4_l._ 10_s._ in raffles, for which I had won a -card-rack—my mind, by-the-bye, has been upon the rack ever since—I -determined on availing myself of an opportunity to visit the Continent, -which the starting of an excursion boat to Calais on the following day -held out to me. - -I retired to my apartment at the hotel, and was soon wrapped in the arms -of Morpheus and a pair of Witney blankets, from both of which I emerged -at six, for our vessel was chartered to start precisely at seven. Having -swallowed a hasty pint of shrimps and a rapid plate of bread and butter, -washed down by a cup of tolerable Twankay, I threw my zephyr over my -arm, lashed my hat to my button-hole by a piece of string, and flung -myself on to a camp stool near the binnacle of the packet. Our captain -was a thorough tar, with a white hat and a cotton pocket-handkerchief. -He had served (as a witness) in the action between the _Thunder_ and the -_Bachelor_, off Westminster Hall, and was continually quoting the words -of Nelson to the crew who acted under him. These consisted of a steward, -a stoker, a boy, and a common sailor; the steward steering the ship, the -common sailor taking the tickets on landing, and the boy throwing the -rope to the people on the pier at the termination of each voyage. The -gallant old captain, in quoting the exclamation of the hero of the Nile, -always interpolated two words to adapt the invigorating sentence to the -exigencies of his own craft, and was continually shouting— - - "England expects that every man (_and boy_) this day will do his duty." - -By this happy device of our captain the boy was inspired with the same -enthusiasm that animated the men, and the result was that the captain -was the idol of his little crew of mariners. - -We left Ramsgate with a stiff hurricane all around us, steaming up in -the teeth of the wind, and a good biting breeze it seemed to promise us. -On getting outside the harbour, we lurched up to the right, then tumbled -over to the left, and pitched heavily with the vessel's head smack into -the wave, as if, like a thirsty bird, she was dipping down into the sea -to take a deep drink of it. Several of the passengers performed the same -extraordinary manœuvre, and I threw myself in helpless misery flat on -the deck, where I continued to roll backwards and forwards between the -mast and an iron grating which covered the part of the vessel containing -the machinery. I had little opportunity of cultivating the acquaintance -of my fellow-passengers, one or two of whom occasionally tumbled over -me, and I hoped if I ever tumbled over either of them in after life, -that it would be under more favourable auspices. The chief part of the -voyage was passed by me in a state of unconsciousness, and I was roused -from a sort of swoon by the information that we had arrived at the mouth -of Calais harbour, which there would be no possibility of entering. -After beating about for a space of time that I subsequently ascertained -was four hours, though it had appeared to me about forty, we put back, -and hopped, skipped, jumped, toppled, sidled, ambled, pitched, tossed, -and tumbled over the briny deep—a great deal too deep for me to trust it -again—into the harbour of Ramsgate. After getting safely on shore we all -began to abuse the captain; but the jolly old tar, placing his thumb on -the end of his nose, gave a puff at his cigar, and went below to his -dinner. One of the party, a London attorney, who had come to Ramsgate in -pursuit of health and a runaway _cognovit_, threatened the proprietors -of the packet with an action for not taking us to Calais, according to -agreement; but he had no sooner served process on the agent than he was -referred to the little words "Weather permitting," at the bottom of the -bill announcing the intended landing at Calais. This made all the -difference in the contract, for the words should have been "Weather or -no," in order to sustain the threatened action. - - - PROSPECTUS OF THE - MUTUAL PLATE PRESENTATION AND FRIENDLY - TESTIMONIAL ASSOCIATION. - -The principle of plate presentation has never yet been thoroughly -understood, or, at all events, it has never been completely and -satisfactorily acted on. The great advantage of obtaining credit for -public and private virtues through the medium of inscriptions on cups -and snuff-boxes cannot be too seriously or emphatically insisted on. It -is therefore proposed that a society should be formed on the plan of the -United Brothers, the Associated Sons of Harmonious Freedom, and other -similar institutions, the object of the projectors being the -presentation of testimonials in honour of the private and public virtues -of the various members. - -It is proposed to issue ten thousand shares of one pound each, one -shilling deposit being paid at the time of allotment. The holder of ten -shares will be entitled to a snuff-box on the death of his wife, with an -inscription eulogistic of his virtues as a "tender husband." On the -death of each child he will receive a pencil-case, with a brief allusion -to his qualities as the "best of fathers;" and on the decease of -himself, his widow will be presented with a tooth-pick in albata, having -a consolatory motto engraved on the back of it. - -Applications for shares to be made at the offices of the -Electro-Mosaic-Nickel Continental and Birmingham Gold and Silver -Establishment, 0½, Houndsditch. - - - GOLDEN RULES FOR MENDICANTS. - -1. Always carry a box of lucifers in your hand. It is the Ægis of a -beggar's life, and shields him from the invasion of policemen. - -2. Never be lame and blind together in the same town. One infirmity at a -time is enough for the coldest sympathy. - -3. Run sedulously after Quakers and fat ladies, especially if you have -with you at the time a wife and a large family. - -4. Never fail to sing out well in cold weather. If you have three or -four little boys and girls, of mixed sizes, to sing with you, all the -better. Always choose the middle of the street to give effect to your -voices. - -5. You must be "frozen out" regularly ever winter, and mount duty in the -streets, with a pitchfork, tipped with a cabbage, over your shoulder. - -6. Your costume in each season must be the opposite of that usually -worn; that is to say, during the winter, a pair of very thin trousers -and a corazza will be all you require. Shiver violently, and chatter -your teeth as often as a person passes you. A sailor's hat, striped -shirt, and canvas trousers, are not bad in a country town. - -7. Mind, in your orations, you "haven't tasted food for three days," and -make a practice of picking up bones, or old crusts, out of the gutter, -and gnawing them, if there is any one looking at you. - -8. Never be too modest, if any one has relieved you, to ask for "an old -coat, or a pair of old shoes." Recollect, Holywell Street is not too -proud to purchase the most worthless of wearing apparel. - -9. Take care, if you are deaf and dumb, not to answer any one. Suffer -yourself to be taken into custody rather than notice the impertinent -questions of an officer of the Mendicity Society. - -10. Take care of long crossings, if you are very lame. It is extremely -unpleasant, as well as _infra dig._, to carry your crutches and run all -of a sudden, if you happen to have at your heels a mad bull or a racing -omnibus. - -11. Chalk writing is unprofitable, and belongs to the old school. If you -are driven to it, don't mind about spelling incorrectly, and be sure you -are "starving." Quiet spots, like Gower Street or Russell Square, are -the best markets for this branch of the profession. In great -thoroughfares you will have your fresco or calligraphy rubbed out by -every unfeeling passer-by, and be obliged ultimately to "walk your -chalks." - -[Illustration: - - SUMMER-Y JUSTICE—The heat of argument. -] - - - SUMMERY JUSTICE. - - May it please your ludships, Edward Thomson owns - Two small estates—one let on lease to Jones. - To admit the eldest son I hold is fair— - [Usher, I wish you would let in the air.] - It was the intention of the first testator— - [Who's stopped the working of that ventilator?] - I've searched the books, and it is there laid down. - On the authority of Smith _v._ Brown, - That legatees may reasonably enter— - [Open that other window in the centre.] - It is decided in the Term reports, - And 'tis, in fact, allowed in all the courts, - That vested interests go with the land— - [This heat is really more than I can stand.] - We cannot shut our eyes, if so inclined— - [The sun's too dazzling, pray pull down that blind.] - I warmly urge the infant ought to take it— - [That square of glass wont open; Usher, break it.] - The tenant's liable for all repairs— - [We may all melt, for what that Usher cares.] - The mortgagee's demand must end in smoke— - [I'm positively roasting.] _vide_ Coke; - The rights of justice still I must maintain, - See Carrington—[Pray, Usher, break that Payne.] - I trust your ludships will not yet determine, - While 'neath the weight of your judicial ermine, - Your judgment 'twere impossible to school; - Your ludships can't, I'm sure, just now, be cool: - To ask you to decide were simple mummery, - For in the dog-days justice is too summery. - - - OCCUPATIONS OF THE PEOPLE. - -The returns under this head are extremely interesting, and some curious -calculations may be made from them. It appears that there is, in England -and Wales, about one lawyer to four lunatics; thus giving him a chance -of at least a couple of clients. The tables are, however, very -incomplete; for we find no account of the number of omnibus cads, who -are lumped under the head of "other educated persons." We presume that -convicts come home from transportation are included among persons -returned as independent. - - - RULES FOR MEDICAL STUDENTS WALKING - THE STREETS. - -Take as much room on the pavement as you possibly can: if you are with -four or five friends, walk all arm-in-arm together. Don't make way for a -lady; the road is plenty wide enough for her. Joke smartly with the -cabmen, and hail every omnibus which is passing, and then walk a -different way. Ask each policeman "How's G 149?" and enter into playful -conversation with every beggar who asks you for a penny. Enter newspaper -shops to inquire the price of the "Penny Magazine," and stop outside -cookshops to imitate the action of the carver. Shriek out "Lur-li-e-ty" -as often as you please, and compliment cooks and housemaids standing at -area-gates. Stop private carriages to inquire if they are "hired," and -tap stout gentlemen on the off shoulder to enjoy their surprise when -they turn round and see no one there. Buy baked potatoes in the street -to keep your hands warm, and play at catch-ball with them as you go -along. Pelt dogs with stones, or anything else you can get; and cry -"Balloon" when there is none. Converse freely with old clothesmen, and -laugh openly at persons in distress. Stare young ladies out of -countenance, and quiz aged people on their very juvenile looks. Ring -bells vigorously as you go home of an evening, and rattle your stick -violently against the area-railings, taking good care to remove all -pewter pots that may be hanging on them. - - - HISTORICAL QUESTIONS: - À LA MANGNALL. - -When was ginger-beer first invented? - -In whose reign did the British highlow first come into use? - -Who built the Elephant and Castle? - -Who was the originator of the arrangement which placed "a sandwich and a -glass of ale for fourpence" within the reach of the whole population of -London? - -When was the House of Hanover first brought over to England, and what is -its present address? - -When was the fantail first worn, and by whom? - -What were policemen invented for? - -In whose reign was the unicorn attached to the British arms? - -When was the Battle of the Constitution fought in the Registration -Courts? - -Upon what occasion did policemen first wear Berlin gloves? - -Who was the last of the outlaws, and state a few of the actions in which -he distinguished himself? - - - CHINESE PROVERBS, - DRAWN FROM BO-HE AND SUE-CHONG. - -Never do anything hastily: remember it is the last cup of tea which is -the strongest. - -Be not too prodigal: the kettle when too full puts out the fire. - -A little scandal is to tea what an olive is to wine. - -Butter not your bread on both sides, lest in your old age you be left -without bread to butter. - -It is a wise washerwoman who knows her own twankay. - -Measure your green according to your black. - -Happy is he who can take the rough with the smooth—the strong hyson with -the fine pearl gunpowder. - -Delays are dangerous: remember the hottest toast will get cold by -standing. - - - REASONS FOR CLOSING ATTORNEYS' OFFICES - AT SIX. - -The lawyers' clerks, having been bitten by the linendrapers' shopmen, -have caught the fashionable mania for "shutting up at six," in order to -give them time for that mental cultivation which filling up writs, -attending before the Master, and copying bills of costs, are not likely -to facilitate. - -At a recent meeting of some influential articled clerks, and a numerous -body of common-law journeymen, the following resolutions, embodying -reasons for closing attorneys' offices at six, were unanimously agreed -to:— - - "1. That the study of history is conducive to the cultivation of the - mind. That the performances at Astley's begin at half-past six, and - it is desirable that the clerks who are anxious to profit by the - dramatic representation of the great historical events of our own - time, should have an opportunity of doing so. - - "2. That it is perfectly true the Cider Cellars and the Coal Hole - (where the noblest study of mankind, which is universally allowed to - be man, can be effectually carried on) do not present many - attractive features till after nine in the evening. That, - nevertheless, the cigar divans are in full operation before that - hour; and it is therefore expedient that six should be the time - appointed for the cessation of business. - - "3. That stout and devilled kidneys, when introduced into the animal - system too late at night, are liable to impede the action of the - digestive organs, and impair the intellectual faculties, thus - depriving the employer of the full benefit of the clerk's shrewdness - and activity. It is, therefore, of the last importance that, by an - early release from business, the stout and kidneys may be absorbed - by the gastric juices, and the gases given off, by evaporation, in - sufficient time to enable the clerk to devote a _mens sana in - corpore sano_ by ten o'clock in the morning, to the best interests - of his principal. - - "4. That the Surrey Zoological Gardens afford opportunities for the - study of natural history, which can only be followed up by daylight. - That the habits of the bear, the tiger, and other animals, cannot be - said to be without interest to an attorney's clerk; and that the - knowledge of how certain savage creatures secure their prey may - hereafter be of great service in the practice of the legal - profession. It is consequently obvious that the lawyers' clerks - should be enabled to profit by so valuable a lesson. - - "5. That the shooting galleries are seldom open after eight, and - that the knowledge of the use of powder and shot is essential to a - lawyer, as he will often be called upon by a client to decide - whether a defendant is worth the articles alluded to. - - "6. That there are many other occasions when, by an early closing of - the office, the lawyer's clerk will have an opportunity of being - present at some—" - -[Illustration: - - BRITISH ASSOCIATION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF SCIENCE. -] - -[Illustration: - - STIRRING UP THE GREAT FIRE OF LONDON. -] - - - THE GREAT FIRE OF LONDON. - -Among the events for which the past year will for ever remain a marked -twelvemonth on the page of history, is the Great Fire of London, which -broke out, for a considerable period, three nights every week, as a -public prediction had declared it should, regularly, till further -notice. - -We are fortunately enabled to give the particulars of this great -conflagration on the occasion of one of its grandest eruptions. It -commenced a little after dusk, and there can now exist no doubt that it -was the work of more than one incendiary. - -Flames were distinctly seen to issue from one of the windows of Old St. -Paul's (which seemed to have been renovated only to be re-consumed). -They evidently proceeded from a torch, which, we are assured, was -applied by a man in a seal-skin cap. - -No less than three individuals were observed, busy in assisting the -progress of the flames, by tossing ignited straw, &c., about with -pitchforks. The glare distinctly revealed their shirt sleeves, thus -proving them to be without coats: but, owing to the confusion, their -faces were not identified. - -The devouring element was brought, by a lad in a short jacket (said to -have been out at elbows), with aid of a lighted stick, into contact with -the touch-hole of a howitzer, which exploded with a loud noise. This -proceeding was frequently repeated during the evening,—it is believed -out of mere wantonness. The same heartless principle induced others to -throw squibs, crackers, and other fireworks into the blazing ruins. - -Neither the crowd nor the attendant policemen offered in the smallest -degree to interfere. The cries and shouting of the multitude were -tremendous, but seemed to partake of an exulting character. - -By a little past ten o'clock the flames got under, apparently of their -own accord; and, though several towers and steeples had been seen to -fall with a tremendous crash, which was heightened by the frequent -tocsin of gongs and the explosion of artillery, little damage is -imagined to have been done, the destruction having principally extended -to the fireworks and other combustibles already mentioned. - -The motive assigned for this act of incendiarism is sheer self-interest -on the part of the perpetrators, who received a shilling a head from -people who came to witness it. The fiendish project, we fear, was -crowned with the most complete success. - - - THE CONTEST FOR AN ALDERMANIC GOWN. - - A certain alderman, well known in town, - 'Twas rumoured had at last resigned his gown; - Report was right, denial had been vain, - That gown, just like the gentle Desdemona, - Had oft been made to turn and turn again - And still go on, by its too thrifty owner. - At length it had become disgraceful truly; - Upon economy no more he stands, - But taking off his gown, resigns it duly - Into the livery's (that's his footman's) hands. - The livery servant looks into the street,— - He sees two dealers in old clothes come down; - Shouts he, "I will invite them to compete - For this now vacant aldermanic gown." - They poll against each other; one is willing - To give, but not to go beyond, a shilling: - The other puts it to the livery's sense, - By tendering on the instant thirteen pence. - They wrangle, and their offers slowly raise, - Till at the self-same figure both remain; - The choice the anxious livery dismays, - The vacant gown which of them ought to gain. - At length it strikes the livery—of the two, - The one that wears three hats must be a Jew: - Unto the other is the gown decreed, - The livery saying he is left no choice,— - In fact, he's quite without a voice: - He is, indeed! - The corporation having laid it down - No Jew shall have the aldermanic gown. - - - ANTIPATHIES OF REMARKABLE CHARACTERS. - -Almost every person who has lived in history has had some particular -antipathy. Julius Cæsar couldn't eat a periwinkle, and Alexander always -fainted at the sight of a blackbeetle. - -Chaucer would be unwell for days if he heard the cry of "mackerel!" and -Spenser never saw a leg of mutton without shivering all over. - -Boadicea hated red whiskers: it nearly cost Caractacus his life, because -he came into her presence one day with a tremendous pair on. - -The smell of pickles always sent Cardinal Wolsey into hysterical fits. -He called upon Henry the Eighth once while the monarch was lunching off -some cold meat, and Wolsey fell down under the table as soon as he smelt -there was pickled cabbage in the room. Henry, thinking the cardinal was -intoxicated, had him locked up in the Tower immediately. - -Cleopatra couldn't look at a person with freckles: Antony had all his -soldiers who were at all freckled painted black to please her. - -Napoleon took a violent hatred against any one who didn't take snuff: it -is said the cause of his separation from Josephine was because she never -would take a pinch from him. - -Alfred the Great could not bear the taste of suet-dumplings. - -Artaxerxes had such an intense horror of fleas that he would not go to -bed without a suit of armour, made like a night-gown, to fit close to -his skin. He would lose his reason for days when bitten by one. There -was a reward of ten talents, during his reign, for the apprehension of -every flea, dead or alive; and merchants would come from far and near to -claim the reward. - -Queen Elizabeth had the strongest antipathy to a sheriff's officer: she -would run away as fast as she could directly she saw one, and continue -running for miles, until her guards, who knew her weakness, stopped her. - -Old Parr would turn pale if he touched a piece of soap: this is the -reason he never shaved. Cicero had such an antipathy to the Wednesday -that he used to remain in bed all that day; and Anna Bolena could not -hear the word "potato" pronounced without turning violently red, and -feeling low-spirited for weeks afterwards. - -Charles the Second never could go through Temple Bar. It used to take -the whole strength of Villiers, with Rochester and Nell Gwynne, to push -him through it. Cromwell never could pass a tripe shop without bursting -immediately into tears. - - - AN ESSAY ON COMETS. - BY OUR OWN ASTRONOMER. - -The word "comet" has been derived by some from the Latin _coma_, a tail; -but the better derivation is _comma_, because it never can come to a -full stop. - -Every comet has a tail, or train, which may be compared to some of those -monster trains which are occasionally the subjects of newspaper -paragraphs. - -What a comet is we do not exactly know. It is certainly an eccentric -body, but there are so many eccentric bodies in these days, that this -hypothesis affords us no assistance. - -A comet has a curious propensity to cut and come again, at very long -intervals. - -Astronomers talk of the mean distance of a comet from the earth, but as -no comet ever came nearer than several thousands of miles, which is -anything but a mean distance, we should be glad to know the meaning the -astronomers attach to the word alluded to. - -There is a comet due in 1848, being the same one that favoured us, or -rather our ancestors, with a visit at half-past eight P.M., on the 21st -of April, 1556. As the "oldest inhabitant" will not have had the honour -of a previous acquaintance, it is very possible that some other -eccentric body may be mistaken for our old acquaintance of the sixteenth -century. Perhaps an inferior planet, disguised in a long tail, may -endeavour to pass himself off for the expected visitor. - -The safest mode of predicting a comet is to prophesy its appearance at -least a century hence, and something luminous is pretty sure to turn up, -to enable posterity to find something like a realization of the -prediction. Any astronomer desirous of naming an earlier day for the -appearance of a comet should stipulate for its being visible at some -outlandish locality, where no witnesses will be in attendance to test -the accuracy of the prediction. - -The comet of 1770 has very shamefully broken its appointments with the -astronomers, and shown a degree of unpunctuality which is no less -perplexing than it is unbusinesslike. The comet ought to have entered an -appearance, according to the law of comets, every five years and a half; -but the eccentric body has been _non inventus_ ever since, and we should -be glad to see it regularly outlawed from the solar system. - -Comets are generally called periodical bodies because their tails are so -exceedingly lengthy, like those which are continued from month to month -in some of the periodicals. They differ, however, in one respect, the -former being very luminous, and the latter utterly destitute of -brilliancy. - -Between the years 1771 to 1780 there happened a regular glut of comets; -no less than five having appeared in the period alluded to. This -extraordinary assemblage was no doubt the first regular specimen of a -monster meeting. - -[Illustration: - - THE FALL OF THE LEAF. -] - - - THE FALL OF THE LEAF. - - Mister and Mistress Henry Brown - Were in society but young beginners; - And their ambition was to gain renown - By giving very nice _récherché_ dinners. - It was their boast, they used to say, - Not to attempt a great display; - In a small house it would have been misplaced, - Therefore they merely aimed at perfect taste. - It was a standing joke with Mister Brown— - A joke in which he hated to be foiled— - That there could be no other house in town - Where taste so ruled the roast—ay, and the boiled. - 'Twas the commencement of the autumn season, - After some time in his own mind reviewing it, - Brown gave a dinner, simply for the reason - That few—except himself—would think of doing it. - A London dinner-party in September, - Brown did opine, was something out of the common line; - A sort of thing to talk of and remember. - The arrangements having been completed, - The guests are round the table seated; - Of turtle-soup each one had got a plate— - Some one remarked the summer had been brief— - "Yes!" Brown exclaimed, "'tis in the season late, - We must be looking for the fall of the leaf." - He'd scarcely said the words, when, with a crash, - Down came the dinner-table flap, - Sending some iced sauterne, with sudden splash, - Into his lady's lap. - Fish, water-bottles, knives and forks, _epergnes_, - Came rattling down upon her all in turns: - The sudden movement no one could control— - A slice of bread went off into a roll. - Decanters seemed disposed to fall, - As if they'd had a drop too much; - And stoppers never stopped at all— - In fact, refused to act as such. - 'Twas a mishap, and yet, the truth to tell, - Mister and Mistress Brown both had their wish; - They hoped the dinner would go off all well, - And so it did go off—ay, every dish! - - - NEW LITERARY ASSOCIATION OF THE - FRIENDS OF FRANCE. - -Professed patriots being always addicted to abusing their own country, -it is presumed that the height of patriotism would consist in an -Englishman writing leading articles for a French Radical newspaper. With -this view a few literary friends of freedom have associated for the -purpose of supplying the Parisian Press with Anti-English leaders at a -cheap rate, and the following is submitted as a specimen of the article -it is proposed to manufacture. - -The subject is a particularly happy one, being no less than the solemn -declaration of the King of the French (while being invested with the -Order of the Garter) that he would never make war upon the Sovereign of -the Order alluded to. - -The circumstance that the oath taken includes no promise or declaration -of the kind can of course be of no consequence, as the leader is -intended for a French newspaper. The following is the specimen:— - -"_Nous voyons_ [We see] _que perfide Albion_ (we don't translate -_perfide Albion_, for everybody knows the meaning of that) _a donné une -Jarretière_ [has given a Garter] _à Louis Philippe_ [to Louis Philippe]. -_Mais, pourquoi cette Jarretière?_ [But why this Garter?] _Nous voyons -dans cette Jarretière_ [We see in this Garter] _une autre chaîne_ -[another chain] _pour France_ [for France]. _Oui, oui!_ [Yes, yes!] -_cette Jarretière infâme_ [this infamous Garter] _tiera Louis Philippe -par la jambe_ [will tie Louis Philippe by the leg] _plus que jamais_ -[more than ever]. _En recevant ce Jarretière honteuse_ [In receiving -this infamous Garter] _on lui a fait jurer_, [they made him swear,] -_qu'il ne fera pas la guerre_ [that he will not make war] _sur le -Souverain de l'Ordre_ [on the Sovereign of the Order]. _Hein, hein!_ -[Alas, alas!] _notre pauvre campagne_ [our poor country] _est trahie_ -[is betrayed]. - -"_Mais on a donné cette Jarretière déshonorante_ [But they have given -this degrading Garter] _au Roi de la Prusse aussi bien_, [to the King of -Prussia as well,] _et aussi à l'Empereur de Russie_ [and also to the -Emperor of Russia]. _Tous ont juré la même chose_, [All have sworn the -same thing,] _de ne pas faire la guerre contre le Souverain de l'Ordre_ -[not to make war on the Sovereign of the Order]. _Et qui est le -souverain contre qui on a juré de ne pas faire la guerre?_ [And who is -the sovereign against whom they have sworn not to make war?] _Pourquoi, -la Reine Victoria, pour être certain._ [Why, Queen Victoria, to be -sure]. _Et qui est elle?_ [And who is she?] _Pourquoi, perfide Albion, -comme une matière du courant._ [Why, perfidious Albion, as a matter of -course]. _Laisser les Anglais aller se pendre_ [Let the English go and -hang themselves] _dans leurs jarretières_, [in their garters,] _comme -cette misérable Mademoiselle Bailey_, [like that unfortunate Miss -Bailey,] _de qui on chante quelquefois_ [whom they occasionally sing -about]. _Mais ne_ _laissez pas les Français_ [But do not let the French] -_suivre l'exemple_ [follow the example] _de la demoiselle à qui nous -avons fait allusion_ [of the young lady whom we have alluded to]. -_Laissons les rappeler_ [Let them remember] _le sort horrible_ [the -horrible fate] _de cette jeune dame_, [of that young lady,] _qui peut -avoir été_ [who might have been] _une decoration à sa sexe_ [an ornament -to her sex] _mais pour les jarretières_ [but for the garters]." - - - REPORT OF THE COMMITTEE ON WASHHOUSES - FOR THE PEOPLE. - -The committee appointed to select a site for a great National Washhouse, -vacillated for some time between the Fleet Prison and Covent Garden -Theatre; but at length, for the reasons hereinafter stated, gave the -latter the preference. - -Covent Garden Theatre has had cold water thrown upon it so long, that no -expense need be gone to in laying on any more of the salubrious element. -The genius of the place is also favourable to such an experiment as the -one proposed, for in the event of water being scarce, recourse might be -had to some of the old pumps, which, though rather out of use, could -easily be made to act again. These pumps possess the advantage of never -causing an overflow. - -It is proposed to turn the pit into a drying-ground, the backs of the -seats being used for hanging clothes upon. - -Persons bringing their own soap cannot, on any account, be admitted into -the dress circle with mottled; and a moderate quantity of starch will be -expected in the private boxes. Tickets for single tubs may be had at the -doors, and family coppers to admit six may be had at all the libraries. - -One advantage connected with the scheme for turning the theatre into a -washhouse, is the opportunity that would be afforded for employing some -of the regular company of actors, who, in the mangling department, would -be invaluable. The style in which they have occasionally got up and -mangled some of Shakspeare's fine things ought never to be forgotten. - -With reference to the Fleet Prison, it is suggested by the committee -that it is scarcely adapted to ordinary washing, though for purposes of -whitewashing, it has always been found to answer. - -Should Covent Garden Theatre be fixed upon, due notice will be given of -its being open for the season. - - - A NEW TABLE TO CALCULATE WAGES. - -This table must depend a great deal on the sort of table kept by the -master of the house in which the servant resides. As a general rule, the -dripping admits of subtraction, and by calculating how many times the -candle-box will go into the kitchen-stuff, a fair average may be arrived -at. It must also be borne in mind, that as the water is to the milk, so -is the beer-money. In families where the cupboard is left open, it -follows frequently, that as the tea is to the sugar, so is the servant -at both of them. - - - THINGS WHICH CAN BE MUCH BETTER CONCEIVED - THAN DESCRIBED. - -Getting out of an omnibus, and discovering you have left all your money -on the mantel-piece. - -A woman discovering her first grey hair. - -Putting the lighted end of a cigar into your mouth. - -A person's indignation on being told "Queen Anne's dead." - -Meeting a creditor, and being obliged to sit opposite to him "the whole -way" in an omnibus. - -Being asked, in a drawing-room of ladies, to take a few tickets in a -raffle—"the ticket only a guinea!" - -Breaking your strap in the _pas seul_ in _La Pastorale_. - -The wine at a public dinner. - - - DIRECTIONS FOR BREWING. - -One of the difficulties attendant on domestic brewing is the expense of -the cask, but this may always be got by having a barrel of beer on trial -from a regular brewer, and saying it is not quite out when the cask is -applied for. By agreeing to pay for the beer, one barrel under the -other, the expense becomes merely nominal. - -In order to prevent the lightning from turning the beer, a lightning -conductor should be fixed in the bung-hole of the cask, or a stair-rod -would perhaps be an economical substitute. - -Families who brew without exactly knowing how, may try the experiment of -a polite note to Messrs. Barclay and Perkins, asking one of them to step -round to put the parties in the right way, if they should be making a -failure of the brewing. - -If the beer should be flat after having been left to cool in -washing-tubs, a raisin may be thrown in, and if it fails to produce any -effect, another raisin may be tried; but should the second raisin prove -unsuccessful, it will be waste of time—and raisins—to go on with the -experiment. - -[Illustration: - - COURT OF YOUNG ENGLAND. -] - - - YOUNG ENGLAND. - A BIOGRAPHY. - -The subject of the present notice was born of very obscure parents in -London, and was placed, soon after his birth, at the doors of the -Treasury, under the impression that Sir Robert Peel might stumble over -it, and be induced to take it in and provide for it. The Premier, -however, merely moved it on one side with his foot, and Young England -began to cry out very lustily; but its voice was so weak that no one -paid any attention to it. Soon after, the bantling attracted the notice -of the press, and its case was laid before the public, but it excited -very little interest; and an appeal to Old England in favour of Young -England was equally unsuccessful, the former denying the latter to be -its legitimate offspring. A novel, entitled "Coningsby," was afterwards -written, in the hope of doing something for Young England; but the more -the book was read, the less was Young England thought of. - -It is a curious fact, that while Young England never could succeed in -winning popularity, a rival, in the shape of Young America, was very -successful, under the name of General Tom Thumb, who was received very -graciously at Buckingham Palace. Surely, if mere littleness confers a -claim to admiration, Young England is almost as deserving of it as -General Tom Thumb, who, on the principle that extremes often meet, -frequently found himself in the presence of greatness. Young England -would give its little finger to make its way at Court as little Thumb -has done. - - - ASSESSED TAXES. - -As the ordinary almanacks are, in many respects, erroneous in their -information on the subject of assessed taxes, we proceed to correct a -few of the most usual inaccuracies. - -It is generally said that 2_l._ 8_s._ must be paid annually for armorial -bearings by persons keeping a carriage. It ought to be added, that there -is an exemption for persons keeping a cab by making it wait for them. - -Every additional body used on a carriage is chargeable; but when any -body additional is used on a carriage as an extra footman, he is -regarded as no body, and he is liable to no other duty than that of -getting up and down when required. - - - THE POLKA PLAGUE. - -The year 1844 will be ever memorable in our national annals, on account -of the breaking out of a great plague, on which physiologists have -conferred the title of "Polkamania." This remarkable affliction first -originated in the Black Forests of Bohemia, where it took the name of -Polka—which is, no doubt, a corruption of Pole-ca, a word evidently -derived from the pole cat, to which, as an excessive nuisance, the Polka -has some kind of affinity. - -The boors, or bores, of the Black Forest communicated the Polka to some -Parisians, who always take quickly any malady of the kind, and it very -soon spread among the people of the French capital. It was introduced -into England a short time after, by a coryphèe coming over to fulfil an -engagement at Her Majesty's Theatre. The poor fellow was, indeed, very -bad with it, and it was thought that it would have died a natural death, -for it did not seem to be very taking until Monsieur Jullien happened to -catch it, and infected several places of public amusement with the -severe calamity. The malady now spread with fearful rapidity, and even -Mr. Baron Nathan fell a victim to it in its fiercest shape, while others -of less exalted rank in the Terpsichorean world had it in a much milder -form than the Baron. The symptoms of the disease are too well known to -need a lengthy description. It causes a contraction of the leg, and a -drawing up the heel to a considerable height, accompanied by a violent -twisting of the head from side to side, and numerous contortions of the -body. It gives a strange sort of motion to the arms, occasions a -repeated stamping of the feet, and induces altogether a singularity of -action which is not to be found in other cases of mania. It is to be -expected that the malady will soon wear itself out, like other previous -visitations of a somewhat similar character. - -[Illustration: - - BOXING-NIGHT—A picture in the National Gallery. -] - - - THE NATIONAL GALLERY. - A DIALOGUE. - - TOM. - - Hallo! Bill Brown; how's you, and how's your - Sister Jane, and your blessed old mother? - When you loses that maternal parent, Bill, - You'll never get such another. - - BILL. - - Why, we're all tollolish, and to-night, as I'm a - Gentleman-at-large, owing to the depression in baked taturs, - We've all on us made up our mind to go to - The gallery of one of the National The-aturs. - - TOM. - - Let's see, there's Common Garden, that's a - Well wentilated the-atur just at present; - But then the doors open at _no_ time - During the evening—and that's unpleasant. - - BILL. - - Then there's Drury Lane—a sort of Italian - Opera, werry much diluted— - Where there's ballets in which ladies - In werry short dresses dance—who might be better suited. - - TOM. - - Ah! time was, a National Gallery was worth - A shilling of any man's money; - When Mister Edmund Kean used to do the - Violent pathetic, and Old Joe the excruciating funny. - - BILL. - - Then you couldn't get a front row without a fight, - And a row with the police no ways, - And the lady you took with you having - All her bones broken—I mean the bones in her stays. - - TOM. - - When penny oranges fetched tuppence, and bottled - Porter became stout by the change of situation; - And used to pay—but, lor! what - Wouldn't one pay in a wiolent perspiration! - - BILL. - - Boys could whistle then, and with only - Their wital part heat the steam-engine really; - I have heard that a gallery in full - Whistle once blew out the great chandelier—nearly. - - TOM. - - Hallo! that's six o'clock! so I must cut away, - As time's rather pressing; - And our Jane's back-hair's too short to turn - Up, and too long to hang down, so she - Takes a long time a dressing. - - BILL. - - No apology, Tom; I'm not one of them - Chaps as is over nice; - And if I can hold a gennelman's horse, and get - Another penny, I'll come in at half-price. - - - SPORTS AND PASTIMES. - -For the benefit of our young readers, and, indeed, for the advantage of -children of a larger growth, we subjoin a few games, adapted to the -meanest capacities, and the most limited pecuniary resources. - - - THE POSTMAN. - -The game of Postman is little known by the title we have given it, but -it is very frequently played at. It is a cheap amusement—if done well; -but a good deal may be lost at it, if it is not skilfully managed. It -can be played at by three or four at a time, or even more, and it may -also be indulged in by a single individual. The game consists of giving -a postman's knock at any door, and running away as fast as possible. - - - THE CABMAN. - -This is a very amusing game, and is very easily played at. Fix your eye -on any particular cabman, and he will be sure to come off his stand as -rapidly as he can, thinking that you intended to hail him. - -The fun of the game may be increased by looking at three or four on the -same stand, when they will all rush off the rank, and you have only to -explain that you "merely looked, but don't want a cab;" upon which they -will very likely begin quarrelling with each other, and thus add -materially to your amusement. - -[Illustration] - - - OUR PRIZE PROPHECY. - -Some of the subscribers to this Almanack have represented to us that it -is scarcely complete without a prediction, and we have, therefore, been -on the look out during the year for an eligible prophecy. We were for -some time in treaty with a professor of the cabalistic art; but, as one -of our stipulations with the soothsayer was, that the prediction should -not be paid for until it was realized, the sage, with considerable -indignation, declined the engagement. We have consequently resolved on -throwing open the prophetic department to public competition, and we -therefore invite the attention of professional seers to the following -conditions:— - -Prophecies must be sent in before the end of September, written in plain -English, without any mystifying allusions to the signs of the zodiac. - -No prophecy to contradict itself more than once in the same sentence; -and where there are two results, one of which must arise, both must not -be predicted in the same paragraph. - -A prophecy that Sagittarius will influence the fate of a man of rank, -will not be considered as having been fulfilled by a nobleman happening -to marry, or go out of town, or come to town, in the course of the month -referred to in the alleged prediction. - -The assertion that the town of Birmingham is under the influence of -Aquarius will be considered a partially fulfilled prophecy—and paid for -as such—if washing and bathing establishments should be introduced into -Birmingham at about the time specified. - -Prophecies consisting merely of figures, and sent in as nativities, -cannot be taken into consideration, for, though they are no doubt very -correct, they are, unfortunately, wholly unintelligible. - -Any prophecy relating to events in Bosnia, Beretzyk in Transylvania, and -other out-of-the-way places, from which a mail never comes, because it -is never due, will be rejected, on account of the difficulty of testing -its accuracy. - -[Illustration] - - - - - The - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1846. - - - ANOTHER RAILWAY NEWSPAPER. - THE RAILWAY BELLE ASSEMBLÉE - -Every one who has observed the mass of railway papers that have shot up -during the past half year, must have been astonished that none, devoted -to Fashionable Railway Intelligence and Literature, have yet appeared, -appealing more especially to those who have souls above the share -market. We have the pleasure of announcing the immediate appearance of -such a periodical. We are aware that, at present, all sympathies, -interests, and affections, social and general, are absorbed by the -railways; but the "Railway Belle Assemblée," whilst it never loses sight -of the mighty spirit of the age, will contain such literature alone, as -the member of the _beau monde_ seeks for in vain, at present, in the -bewildering and endless lines of advertisements, and the single and -double supplements of the daily and weekly press. - -_The arrangement of amusements, &., may be looked for as follows_:—A -grand race is about to take place upon the Great Western, from -Paddington to Slough, between the ten o'clock down train and a shower of -rain. In the event of fine weather, the meeting will be postponed until -the next day. - -A _déjeûner à la fingers_ is about to be given at the Wolverton station, -whilst the train stops, next Saturday. The pretty young lady with the -dark eyes, who makes the coffee so hot that the passengers cannot drink -it, has condescended to preside. The visitors will arrive exactly ten -minutes before they depart. A band will accompany the passengers the -whole distance—round the hats of the guards; and a pyrotechnical display -will take place off the Birmingham terminus, when the engine fires are -raked out for the night. - -On Wednesday next, an interesting _soirée_ of men of letters will be -held, at eight o'clock, with the Post-office bags, at all the different -termini. The clerk at the Kingston station is expected to get the sack -five-and-twenty minutes after, but it will not reflect any discredit on -him. - -_Eastern Counties Railway._—An interesting lecture on steam, and the -properties of the engine, was given by the engineer of the "Blazes," -locomotive, on Tuesday, to the new stoker, on the tender. The -proceedings concluded with a private dinner of two polonies, a small -loaf, and pot of half-and-half. - -IMPORTANT.—By a recent Act of Parliament every director is liable to be -called upon to ride in front of the train, whenever it is necessary, as -a buffer. As a great part of them are men of straw, the fitness of these -buffers for the purpose is unquestionable, in addition to the chaff -which they have always at command. - - - ABOLITION OF DUELLING. - -The members of the various Clubs have come to the determination to put -down this atrocious custom. In the event of not being able to form a -court of honour, from the scarcity of the principal ingredient, they -have decided that all future quarrels shall be adjusted by the Carrara -Water, in a gallery suited for the purpose. And, moreover, that the -Carrara Monument Company, shall erect a tablet, to perpetuate the social -death of all who may he worsted in the meeting: anybody being corked, to -be ranked, like claret in the same state, as worthless. - -[Illustration: - - AQUARIUS—Jolly Young Watermen. -] - - - THE ZODIAC.—JANUARY - AQUARIUS.—THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAN. - OUT DOOR INSTRUCTION. - -The common water-plug offers a capital medium for illustrating the -leading principles in hydrostatics and hydraulics. When opened, the -effort of water to find its own level may be turned to account, in -diverting and instructive methods by the young professors of the -neighbourhood in the absence of the police, who are, generally speaking, -inimical to science. To produce a jet, the water must either come up or -come down. In the case of a fire-plug, it comes down from the New River; -and if the rates are not paid, the company come down as well upon the -delinquents _for_ the money, until the latter come down _with_ it. In -the Trafalgar fountains, it comes up to the surface, but not at all to -the expectations. In either case the force is the same. This increases, -in an inverse ratio, to the opposition offered; and by compressing it at -the orifice, it may be thrown in any direction by a little judicious -management of the sole of the foot. In this manner, benevolent boys may -frequently be seen distributing water gratuitously to the passing -pilgrims. - - - THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN JANUARY. - -Recollect, if you slip down in the street this month not to evince any -pain, but rather laugh: get up smiling, and walk away with a joyous air. - -Do not try rashly to cut the outside edge on the Serpentine, but -practise by yourself, at midnight, with a full moon, on secluded -Hampstead ponds, until you are perfect; because, it usually happens, -that the instant you wish to show off before some young ladies you know, -your heels will go higher than your head, and you will look -contemptible. - -That family parties at this time of the year are not those wonderfully -lively things they are conventionally supposed to be: the presence of a -few lively acquaintances being indispensable to make them go off well. -Relatives don't care to exert themselves to be entertaining before one -another; or if they do, all the rest know what is coming. - - - THE GIPSY'S PROPHECY. - - "Belle of Norwood! dark-eyed gipsy, come, and let me cross thy hand, - Give me knowledge of the future, if it be at thy command: - - Full one thousand shares in railways, I have been let in to take; - Tell me, swarthy star of Beulah, when will they my fortune make?" - - "List, my pretty gentleman, with piece of silver cross my hand, - I will tell you when your shares will bring you money, beeves, and - land— - - When the figures for the base of Nelson's column shall be made, - And the throng of population chokes the Exeter Arcade. - - When the leading streets of London are not closed, and altogether; - And the lamps of Vauxhall Gardens are not put out by wet weather. - - When the _Byron_ of Thorwaldsen in the Abbey takes its place; - And the Turf shall be surprised by something like an honest race..bn - 142.png - - When the Income Tax is talked of, as a legend of the past; - And St. Paul's is seen for nothing, gratis, unto all, at last. - - When the hostess at a party says, 'You must not go away,' - All the time hopes entertaining that you will no longer stay. - - When all these things come to pass, in honour bright, and no mistake, - Then, my pretty gentleman, the railways will your fortune make." - -[Illustration] - - - DIVERS INTERESTING QUESTIONS FOR MY READERS - TO CONSIDER. - -What do you generally think— - -1. When you ask if any one is at home, and the servant tells you he -don't know, but will go and see; asking your name: and then comes back -and answers in the negative? - -2. When a man at an evening party says he does not waltz, "because his -head won't stand it?" - -3. When you find a broken dish behind the dresser, and the cook says, -"the cat did it?" - -4. When a friend presses you to "come and see him very soon—any day—he -always dines at five;" but won't state a time? - -5. When a married couple are more than usually affectionate, and use -endearing terms, in public? - -6. When a lady, holding out her glass for some wine at a supper, says, -"Oh, really; the least drop in the world, Mr. Smith: stop, stop?" - -7. When the clown, a sweep, and a milk-pail, are all on the stage -together, in a pantomime? - -8. When, at a small country party, the lemonade and negus get gradually -weaker towards the end of the evening? - -9. When you see a gentleman vandyking between the area railings and the -lamp-post, addressing vague words to imaginary peeple? - -[Illustration: - - PISCES—Too deep! -] - - - THE ZODIAC.—FEBRUARY. - PISCES.—THE FISHES. - THE SONG OF THE UNSUCCESSFUL ANGLER. - - I cannot tell the reason,—it is really very odd,— - My tackle is first-rate, and I've a most expensive rod, - Bought at the _Golden Perch_, the shop that's always selling off; - And yet, with all my outlay, I've got nothing but a cough. - - I think the fish are altered since old Walton wrote his book; - They shun the simple gentle, and suspect it "with a hook." - I think I mayn't be deep enough: in vain I move the quill, - For fish as deeply as I choose, the fish are deeper still. - - No pike I've seen; the only one was that unpleasant wicket, - Where threepence I was forced to pay, and now I've lost the ticket; - Nor yet a single perch, for which my lucky stars to thank, - Except the perch I've taken on this damp, rheumatic bank. - - I can't pick up a chub, though on the lock all day I stick; - They say it is impossible a lock of Chub to pick: - A flounder would be welcome; but unfeeling wags remark, - I shall get lots of them to-night returning in the dark. - - Upon that bobbing quill, all day I have done nought but gloat, - Till I've almost become one; as the song says, _I'm a float!_ - Come soles, brill, flounders, fresh or salt; however flat ye be, - Be sure you will not fail to find a greater flat in me. - - - THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN FEBRUARY. - -Buy a bottle of reviver to renovate your coat and trousers for -forthcoming parties. Rout up old kid gloves, and send them to be -cleaned. - -That, on the 14th, if there is any one you wish to insult, it can be -done cheaply and anonymously by a valentine, without the chance of being -tricked in return; whilst the shaft rankles the more, because it is not -known who has sent it. - -Do not accept an invitation to Hampshire for wild-duck shooting, unless -you wish to catch a rheumatism that will last you for life. This sport -consists in sitting all night up to the knees in mud, half frozen, armed -with a long gun, which your fingers are too cold to let off. This, -however, is your only chance of safety, as, if it did go off, the recoil -would knock you backwards, and you would never get up again. - -In early times the greater part of the month was dedicated to the Saxon -god, _Thaw_. - - - FIRE ESCAPES. - -The frequency of accidents from fire renders some certain method of -escape desirable. The following have received medals:— - -[Illustration] - -The first is founded on those ingenious machines we find in the Dutch -toy-boxes, for causing soldiers, ducks, sheep, and even tea things, to -march, deploy, and fall into lines, in the most orderly manner. One of -these will be kept at the corner of every street, and, by the aid of -four policemen, will always raise the preserver, or lower the preserved, -in this manner. - -[Illustration] - -The next is simply by a parachute, formed of canvas, which may be folded -up, and kept in the window-seat. Should there be any wind, the inmates -will be carried to the end of the street, and perhaps further, which is -of course, an advantage. An ingenious architect recommends that the -ceiling of every room should be a shower-bath on a large scale, always -charged. This is practicable, but in the event of the bath going off -when there was no fire, the results would be very inconvenient. - -[Illustration] - - - BALLAD: - - THE LAY OF THE BLIGHTED POTATO. - - AIR—"I HAD A FLOWER WITHIN MY GARDEN GROWING." - - I saw a murphy in a garden growing; - I boldly prigged it—nobody was there;— - Rich in all charms familiar to the knowing; - Of size unrivalled, and of kidney rare. - At ev'ning hour I put it in my cellar, - Where never murphy had been put before: - I thought myself a very downy fellow; - I smiled upon it, and I shut the door. - - Next day I took the murphy out to peel it, - Casting the peeling carelessly away; - When—horrid fact! I shudder to reveal it!— - I found it blighted—hastening to decay. - Vainly I strove the wholesome parts to cherish; - But nought remained of what is now so dear:— - Only with life shall the remembrance perish, - How bad potatoes have turned out this year! - - - THE RIVER. - BY COVENTRY PATMORE. - - It is a venerable pier, - Though anything but sound; - So old, the _Rainbow_ shatters it, - To Hungerford when bound; - And over all the mud expanse - A river runneth round. - - Upon a rise, where pewter pots - And rows of benches tall - Look pleasantly, the "Swan" beneath, - Where concert singers squall, - Resteth, in quiet dignity, - A shrimp and winkle stall. - - Around it, heads, and tails, and ends, - Are scattered left and right; - Above, its long Suspension Bridge, - For railways far too slight: - And faces through its railings gleam, - A taking of a sight. - - Beyond the river, bounding all, - A crowd of chimneys stand, - The Shot-concern their central point, - As sooty as a band - Of sweeps around their May-day Jack, - Extended hand in hand. - - The verdant Greenwich boat is come, - The touter's lungs are strong; - The cornet bloweth lustily, - The "gents" indulge in song; - And running down, the river flows - Like black pea-soup along. - - - NEW LINES OF RAILWAY, - IN CONTEMPLATION FOR 1846. - - Capel Court and Queen's Bench Extension, with a branch to Whitecross - Street. - Somerset House and Andover Direct Junction. - Central African. - Herne Bay and Hanwell. - Liverpool and New York Suspension. - Golden Square and Michaelmas Day Junction. - -[Illustration: - - ARIES—Ram-pant jollities. -] - - - THE ZODIAC—MARCH. - ARIES.—THE RAM (IN SMITHFIELD). - SONNET TO THE RAM INN. - - Shrine of the sainted Bartlemy! whose _fête_ - Was kept up in thy sanctum all the night, - When for the booths the hours got too late, - And stern policemen snuffed out every light - From hoop of dips, or lamp balloon so bright, - Leaving nought else to snuff but morning air; - Fair temple! once a scene too gay to last, - In every sense the focus of the fair!— - But now thy glories all away have past! - No more thy fiddlers country dances play - (Polkas, thank goodness, were not known); no more - Thy earnest votaries danced in wild array— - Until they sent their feet right through the floor;— - No—all have gone! the blight has seized thy hops! - Unwieldy brutes block up thy very door! - Sheep, laden with long loins of mutton-chops, - And living steaks and sirloins by the score, - Hereafter sent to "Dick's," the "Cheshire Cheese," - The "Rainbow," and a hundred taverns more, - Where waiters, frantic, ceaselessly do roar, - "Cook, single mutton,"—"Small steak, underdone!" - Or, "Chops to follow, with eschalot for one!"— - Oh, Ram! my pen can't paint such scenes as these, - The pens of Smithfield only should attest thy fun. - - - THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN MARCH. - -Lady-day is the 25th. If you mean to change your residence about that -time, bespeak a van in time, large enough to carry off everything at -once without coming back again. But as March is a month in which the -wind is generally very easily raised, hope for the best. - -That Parliament gets into full swing this month; therefore, give up all -notion of seeing a newspaper in a coffee-room under an hour after the -sixth gentleman has applied for it. - -The world of fashion is beginning to awaken. Change from the chrysalis -state of the twelve shilling tweed to the butterfly transition of the -guinea paletot. High-lows are, however, still to be met with on wet -evenings, in damp situations. The gossamer sometimes takes flight this -month to distant regions, therefore procure a piece of string. - -Should you be unfortunately incarcerated for debts exceeding £20, -Nicol's registered paletot will be the most suitable wear, as the -advertisements say, that wearing it insures a general sense of freedom. - -[Illustration] - - - THE STAG - A NEW READING FROM "AS YOU LIKE IT." - - SCENE.—_The Alley._ Present, TWO DIRECTORS. - - _1st Dir._ Come, shall we take a look at Capel Court? - And yet I'm sorry, when I see the stags, - To think how we, being as bad ourselves, - Do call them rogues and knaves. - - _2nd Dir._ Indeed, my friend, - The many-sided Brougham doth grieve at that, - And in that point swears we are more to blame - Than are the rascals that have gammoned us. - To-day, another genl'man and myself - Did sit beside him, as he took his lunch - In a steak-house, whose antique sign peeps out - Of a dark court, not far from the Exchange. - To the which place a poor sequestered stag, - That from a fall in shares had ta'en a hurt, - Did come to languish: and indeed, my friend, - The wretched animal heaved forth such groans, - That their discharge annoyed the diners round, - Almost to cursing; and the big, round tears - Coursed one another down his innocent nose - Into his stout; and thus the hapless stag, - Much marked of the many-sided Brougham, - Sat o'er the poor remains of a small steak, - Moistening his plate with tears. - - _1st Dir._ But what said Brougham? - Did he not moralize this spectacle? - - _2nd Dir._ Oh, yes! into a thousand similes. - First, for his weeping in his needless stout; - "Poor stag," quoth he, "thou makest half-an-half - As tapsters do, putting more water in - To that which had too much." Then, being alone, - Cleaned out, forsaken by his moneyed friends, - "'Tis right," quoth he, "I foresaw what would come - Of joint-stock companies."—Anon, a lot, - Who'd sold in time, sat down hard by to dine, - And ne'er asked him to join 'em. "Ay," quoth Brougham, - "Dine on, ye fat and greasy citizens; - Had all their rights, you'd be in the same book - As that decayed and broken bankrupt there." - Thus most invectively he pierceth thro' - The Stock Exchange, the City, Capel Court. - Yea, and Directors; swearing that we, too, - Are men of straw, humbugs, and something worse, - To fall foul of the stags, and drive them out - Of their assigned and native dwelling-place. - - - TO FIND OUT WHICH WAY THE WIND BLOWS - -Go into Trafalgar Square, on a breezy day, without a mackintosh or -umbrella. Then stand under St. Martin's cab-stand when the fountains are -playing. If you get wet through immediately, the wind is due W.; if it -takes a little time to do so, it is N.W., or S.W.; but if you remain -quite dry, it is N., S., or E., which can only be ascertained by -standing respectively at the foot of the column, under the terrace, or -before the club. It hath rarely been known to fail. - - - THE TRADE WIND GENERATOR. - -A very civil engineer, residing in Liverpool, has favoured us with his -plan for raising whatever winds may be necessary to ships, for the -purpose of commerce. His idea is, to fix a colossal pair of -double-action bellows, worked by steam power, at the stern of every -ship, which, being put in action, will blow directly on the sails, and -propel the vessel in any given direction. This entirely precludes the -chance of a ship ever becoming becalmed. He candidly tells us that he -cannot claim the entire credit of the invention; and he can remember the -late Mr. Joseph Grimaldi working something to the same effect in a -pantomime, when he was a child; but the boat being made in this instance -of a washing-tub, and rigged with a mop stolen for that purpose from an -itinerant vendor, no clear notion could be formed of its power. - - - THE ZODIAC—APRIL. - BULL IN THE PRINTING OFFICE. - BY W. WORDSWORTH, POET LAUREATE. - - Oh! Bull, strong labourer, much enduring beast, - That with broad back, and sinewy shoulder strung, - Draggest the heavy wain of taxes, flung - In growing heap, from thy poor brethren fleeced. - - Hadst thou a literary sense of shame, - How wouldst thou crush, and toss, and rend, and gore - The printing press, and hands that work therefore, - For the sad trash that issues from the same. - - If they would print no other works than mine, - The task were nobler; but, alas, in vain, - Of audience few and _un_fit I complain, - Bull wont believe in Southey's verse and mine. - - Arouse thee, John, involve in general doom - All who bid Wordsworth rise for Byron to make room. - - - THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND - IN APRIL. - -BE very cautious, on the 1st, of attending to gratuitous advice given in -the street, respecting your pocket-handkerchief, straps, or coat-tails. -Mistrust everything and everybody until midnight, if you would escape -being laughed at. - -The month of April is showery, therefore get an umbrella; but remember, -that whilst it is fine, a cotton one at half-a-crown looks as well in an -oilskin case as a silk one at a guinea; and that when it is wet, nobody -cares what you have, never stopping to look. - -That you must renew your acquaintance with all sorts of editors to get -orders to the Opera, and thus move in the great world at a small outlay. -N.B.—Gloves worn the evening before at a party are sufficiently -presentable in the pit. - -Angling begins this month, and its professors become all hooks and eyes. -If you wish to kill time (and nothing else) sit in a Chertsey or Hampton -punt, and wait for barbel. - -[Illustration: - - TAURUS—A literary Bull. -] - - - NOVEL CHESS PROBLEM. - NEITHER SIDE TO WIN IN ANY MOVES. - -[Illustration] - - Punch takes the Press, and checks the Albert Hat. - Albert Hat retires, and Punch checks the Queen. - Times' Thunderbolt checks Railway Engine, surrounded by Stags. - Church makes a move towards O'Connell. - Corn League retires one square. - Albert Hat mates the Crown. - - - MISCELLANEA CURIOSA. - SELECTED FROM THE "MISCELLANIES" OF J. AUBREY, ESQ., CONTAINED IN - THE ASHMOLEAN MUSEUM, AT OXFORD. - -Shoes came into Englande with Henry the Fourth his wife, Joan of -Navarre. Before that time the nobles did wear dried flat fish, cunningly -tied on with thongs of hide. And hence the name of _soles_ as used to -this day, and by alle men. - -In 1580, a shower of potatoes did fall in Lancashire, at which the -husbandmen were sorelie afraid. They were sayde to have been brought -from America in a whirlwind, and, being hitherto unknown, became -directly common. - -The Polka is a measure danced by salvage men and women in Hongrie. -_Item._—Sir Francis Drake assures me he hath seen it kept up for twenty -minutes and more, until the salvages were like to drop; the reason -whereof is difficult to tell; but he takes it to be a religious -ceremony, as the whirling dervishes in the Indies doe practise. - -Tobacco is a plant growing in China on inaccessible mountains, whence it -is plucked by people in balloons made of fish-skin, and preserved in red -leather bottles underground. Sir Walter Raleigh did use it first. Its -vapour inhaled is an admirable narcotic; and one Master Aytoun, deprived -of it, did, in its stead, smoke strips of Blackwood's Magazine; but this -well nigh coste him his life. - -The first drinking glasse used in Englande had no foote whereon to stand -(to encourage drinking), but fell alway; and was hence called a tumbler. - -A Bristow man, living at Castile, did learn the art of making soap, -which he set up here: and straightway upon this it became common to wash -one's self twice and thrice in the week. Nay, Mrs. Gregoire, the -commissioner his wife, did cleanse her hands, and eke her face each -daie. Soe that it was soon the rage; and people before they went to stay -with such and such a one would saie to him, "How are you off for soape?" -meaning therebye that if he had not good store, they would none of him; -and soe went on their way betymes. - -I do remember when they did call cats _Tomassins_, which, being -corrupted to Tom, is still in use with the vulgar; but the etymologie -thereof I could never learn, save that the word came from Flanders. -_Item._—My good friend, Mr. Marmy, assures me that he heard them shriek -and cry like infants, beneath his chambers; such as could only be -frighted by tossing the fire-irons and fender about their ears. But he -verilie believes they were devils' imps and familiars. _Item._—Mr. -Glanville gave him a charm to exorcise them, which is as follows, writ -on fayre parchment:— - - "Tomassin, tomassine, alabra, - Parlak vak abracadabra." - -The which being pronounced, they would frantically take to their heels -and scuffle off like mad, to return no more. - -To preserve beer from being soured by thunder:—_Summa_, it is best to -drinke it all off before the storm. They doe practise this in Kent with -certainty, and other parts of England. This also on the authority of Mr. -Glanville. - -Men in liquor have droll conceites. 1 knew such a one, being a justice -of the peace, who, when tipsie, would take off his peruke to salute the -company with obeisance, and then, putting it on a bottle, would sing a -song that had neither beginning nor end, but went merrilie on over -again: the which he wold never stop until earned awaie to bed. And yet -he was well to doe, and a clever man, but lacked prudence. - -My Lord Saye his gardener tells me that during the late storm he did -track a flash of lightning through a gooseberrie bush, which marvel he -had often heard of, but never saw before. - - * * * * * - -A correspondent inquires, "Why is beer always excluded from the -dinner-parties of those who drink it every day when alone?" We pause for -a reply. - -[Illustration: - - GEMINI—Odd-fellows. -] - - - THE ZODIAC—MAY. - GEMINI.—THE TWINS. - -The new explanation which our artist has put forward, of the origin of -the term _Gemini_, so clearly tells its own story, that any further -remarks upon the subject from us are unnecessary. The situation of the -twins, however, suggests that we should make some allusion to the state -of the Clowns of England; on which subject we purpose bringing out a -work in the same style as the Wives, Mothers, Queens, and other female -facts of the said favoured country. - -The progress of burlesques at the various theatres has done much to -injure pantomimes; and it is feared the race of Clowns will become -extinct, unless, in these days of educational enlightenment, some means -are taken to train up fresh ones as the old ones drop off. To this end, -we mean to establish a school for infant Clowns, who will be taught -practical jokes in classes; and old ladies, shopkeepers, -lodging-letters, and little boys, will be provided for them to play off -their tricks upon. Proper works will be provided for them to study: and -from one of the most elementary, not yet published, we make the -following extract; premising that the Clown to a travelling circus is -the first step on the ladder of pantomimical perfection:— - - - CHAPTER FROM - THE MERRYMAN'S MANUAL; - OR, CLOWN'S HANDBOOK OF POPULAR HILARITY. - CHAP. II.—HOW TO COLLECT THE CROWD IN FRONT OF THE SHOW. - -[N.B.—_The Performers are to walk about as if they were noble Lords and -Ladies._ _The_ Manager, _as a Venetian of high birth, with a whip in his -hand, and the_ Merryman, _stand on the steps_.] - - * * * * * - -_Master of the Show._ Now, Mr. Merryman, be so good as to tell the -company—— - -_Merryman._ Yes, sir. (_Counts his fingers._) Ten, twenty-eleven, -fourteen, two. - -_Master._ What are you doing, sir? - -_Merryman._ I'm telling them, sir. - -_Master._ Nonsense, Mr. Merryman. I mean you are to tell them the nature -of the exhibition. - -_Merryman._ That's capital good. - -_Master._ What is capital good, Mr. Merryman? - -_Merryman._ Eggs and bacon. - -_Master._ I did not say eggs and bacon, sir. I said, exhibition. Also, -the sports and pastimes— - -_Merryman._ That's better still. - -_Master._ What is better still, Mr. Merryman? - -_Merryman._ Pork and parsnips. - -_Master._ Sports and pastimes, sir (_sternly_). - -_Merryman._ Now I've got it. Times and passports. - -_Master_ (_whipping him_). Take that, sir! - -_Merryman._ Now keep still, can't you? You'll take all the whicksters -off my calves. - -_Master._ Now, Mr. Merryman, inform the company the nature of the -performances as exhibited before all the— - -_Merryman._ Exhibited before all the— - -_Master._ Potentates in Europe. - -_Merryman._ Potatoes in Europe. (_Confidentially, to the crowd._) That's -a lie. - -_Master_ (_sharply_). What did you say, sir? - -_Merryman._ I said, they'd see it all by-and-by. - -_Master._ Dancing on the tight and slack rope— - -_Merryman._ Prancing on the slight and tack rope— - -_Master._ With a variety of ground and lofty tumbling— - -_Merryman._ With a variety of round and crafty grumbling— - -_Master._ Remember the price. Halloo! (_Through a speaking trumpet._) -_Three_pence each is all we ask! Servants and working people _two_pence! - -_Merryman._ Recollect: be in time. All in to begin! _Three_pence each is -all we ask; but we'll take as much more as you like to give us. All in -there! all in! [_Exeunt company, to re appear in one minute._ - - * * * * * - -This will give a fair notion of the value of the work. In addition to a -series of such helps to education, phrases, to be committed to memory, -will be hung round the room. These will be principally for the -pantomimists, and will consist of sentences like the following:—"Here we -are again! how are you?" "Now, don't be a fool!" "Here's somebody -coming!" "I saw him do it, sir!" with other similar ones. - -The co-operation of all friendly to the interests of the Clowns is -earnestly requested to promote the welfare of this institution. - - - THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN MAY. - -That there is an ancient quaint rhyme, as follows—the old almanacks -having a wrong version:— - - "In April, - Grisi opes her bill; - In May, - To hear her you pay; - In June, - She's in full tune; - In July, - Her benefit is nigh; - In August, - Take a stall you must." - -That the only Poles now found in May, about London, are the distressed -patriots in the cheap eating-houses and copper hells in the -neighbourhood of Leicester Square. The sport is not extinct, as little -boys may still be seen dancing round the more eccentric specimens of the -class. The only reason that these poles have not fallen down, like those -in the country, is, that they are supposed to be very hard up. - -That although the almanacks declare that perch, ruff, bream, gudgeon, -flounders, dace, minnows, trout, and eels may be taken this month, this, -to say the least of it, requires confirmation. We have tried often, but -never took anything, except taking ourselves off after a fruitless time. - -[Illustration: - - The country here is swarmin' with the most alarmin' kind o' varmin. -] - - - THE ZODIAC—JUNE. - THE LAND-CRAB. - - [_Extract from a forthcoming Novel, by the Author of "The Spy," - "The Pilot," "The Red Rover," &c. &c. &c. &c._] - -"It was too late. Their fearful enemy, that scourge so dreaded by the -negro race of the Southern States, the terrible Land-Crab, was upon -them. Copper Joe, never remarkable for heroism, lost the small remains -of presence of mind which the encounter with the Comanches had left him, -and, in attempting to fly, fell prostrate, injuring his abdomen -severely. Andromache, with her youthful charge, after a vain effort to -rouse her fat husband, Noah, to resistance, joined in the general rout. -But the heroic Sambo stood his ground. His eyes glared, his white teeth -shone from ear to ear, as, with right foot firmly planted in advance, he -stood a sable Antinous, awaiting, with uplifted club, two onsets of the -terrible enemy. It was a dreadful moment!" - - - THE QUEEN OF THE FÊTE. - BY ALFRED TENNYSON. - - I.—THE DAY BEFORE. - - [_To be read with liveliness._] - - If you're waking, call me early, mother, fine, or wet, or bleak; - To-morrow is the happiest day of all the Ascot week; - It is the Chiswick fête, mother, of flowers and people gay, - And I'll be queen, if I may, mother, I'll be queen, if I may. - - There's many a bright _barége_, they say, but none so bright as mine, - And whiter gloves, that have been cleaned, and smell of turpentine; - But none so nice as mine, I know, and so they all will say; - And I'll be queen, if I may, mother; I'll be queen, if I may. - - I sleep so sound all night, mother, that I shall never wake, - If you do not shout at my bedside, and give me a good shake; - For I have got those gloves to trim with blonde and ribbons gay, - And I'm to be queen, if I may, mother; I'm to be queen, if I may. - - As I came home to-day, mother, whom think you I should meet, - But Harry—looking at a cab, upset in Oxford-street; - He thought of when we met, to learn the Polka of Miss Rae— - But I'll be queen, if I may, mother; I'll be queen, if I may. - - - They say he wears moustachios, that my chosen he may be; - They say he's left off raking, mother—what is that to me? - I shall meet all the Fusiliers upon the Chiswick day; - And I will be queen, if I may, mother; I will be queen, if I may. - - The night cabs come and go, mother, with panes of mended glass, - And all the things about us seem to clatter as they pass; - The roads are dry and dusty; it will be a fine, fine day, - And I'm to be queen, if I may, mother; I'm to be queen, if I may. - - The weather-glass hung in the hall has turned to "fair" from "showers," - The sea-weed crackles and feels dry, that's hanging 'midst the flowers, - Vauxhall, too, is not open, so 'twill be a fine, fine day; - And I will be queen, if I may, mother; I will be queen, if I may. - - So call me, if you're waking; call me, mother, from my rest— - The "Middle Horticultural" is sure to be the best. - Of all the three this one will be the brightest, happiest day; - And I will be queen, if I may, mother; I will be queen, if I may. - - II.—THE DAY AFTER. - - [_Slow, and with sad expression._] - - If you're waking, call me early; call me early, mother dear; - The soaking rain of yesterday has spoilt my dress, I fear; - I've caught a shocking cold, mamma, so make a cup for me, - Of what sly folks call, blackthorn, and facetious grocers, tea. - - I started forth in floss and flowers to have a pleasant day, - When all at once down came the wet, and hurried all away; - And now there's not a flower but is washed out by the rain: - I wonder if the colours, mother, will come round again. - - I have been wild and wayward, but I am not wayward now, - I think of my allowance, and I'm sure I don't know how - I shall make both ends meet. Papa will be so very wild; - He says already, mother, I'm his most expensive child. - - Just say to Harry a kind word, and tell him not to fret; - Perhaps I was cross, but then he knows it was so very wet; - Had it been fine—I cannot tell—he might have had my arm; - But the bad weather ruined all, and spoilt my toilet's charm. - - I'll wear the dress again, mother; I do not care a pin,— - Or, perhaps, 'twill do for Effie, but it must be taken in; - But do not let her see it yet—she's not so very green, - And will not take it until washed and ironed it has been. - - So, if you're waking, call me, when the day begins to dawn; - I dread to look at my _barége_—it must be so forlorn; - We'll put it in the rough-dried box: it may come out next year; - So, if you're waking, call me, call me early, mother dear. - - - "OUGHT OLIVER CROMWELL TO HAVE A STATUE?" - -This dispute may be easily settled as follows:—In the Great Hall of the -Ducal Palace, at Venice, are the portraits of all the Doges, except -Marino Faliero, whose place is occupied by a frame, enclosing a black -curtain, inscribed, "_Hic locus est Marini Faliero decapitati pro -criminibus._" In like manner, in the new Houses of Parliament, we -suggest that Cromwell's place should be filled by an empty pedestal, on -which might be written, "_Here Oliver Cromwell would have been, had he -deserved it._" As the villains of one age are generally the heroes of -the next, in another hundred years the whole nation may set up a statue -to him unanimously, and then the place will be ready. - - - THE FARCE ASSURANCE COMPANY. - -Professor Bachhoffner, of the Royal Polytechnic Institution, has -submitted a plan to the managers of the different theatres, whereby the -ill-effects resulting from the summary damnation of various farces may -be avoided. He proposes to erect a gasometer, contiguous to each -theatre, to be filled, on the first nights of comic dramas, with -laughing gas, which, being distributed through various ventilators, at -the last bars of the overture, will keep the audience in screams of -cachinnation throughout the performance; so that the papers can -conscientiously speak of "peals of laughter," and "hurricanes of -applause." By the same means, the talented Professor also proposes to -turn on carbonic acid gas, diluted with atmospheric air, to depress the -spirits, for serious five-act legitimacy, and induce sleep. - - - THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN JUNE. - -If you go down to Ascot races on an old Norwich coach, at twenty -shillings a head, when you leave it and get on the course, say, "a man -you know (the coachman) brought you down on his drag (the coach)." In -going home be careful to conceal yourself, that you may not be -discovered jolly, pelting open landaus with pin-cushions, or making a -banner of your pocket-handkerchief tied to a walking-stick. Do not go up -to carriages whose inmates you know until the race is over: you will -then get lunch, and will not be asked by the girls to join a -sweepstakes, which never pays. - -If not in funds, hide at home, on the Derby day; and when you go out at -night declare you never saw a better race. The position of the horses -may be read for nothing on the pen-and-ink placard outside the _Globe_ -and _Sun_ offices. - -The angler this month will find fish most abundant at Blackwall and -Greenwich. Almost all sorts may be readily taken with brown bread and -butter. - -That otter hunting is in season this month, as the almanacks gravely -assure us. When the thermometer stands at ninety in the shade, there -cannot well be _"otter" hunting_. - - - THE ZODIAC—JULY. - LEO.-ANDROCLES. - A LAY OF ANCIENT HISTORY. - - PART I. - - 'Tis of a foreign gentleman, Androcles was his name, - Who being somewhat "seedy"—many others are the same— - Having no shares to stag, no scrip to get from a new line, - Walked off into a savage place, with Humphrey's duke to dine. - - Chance brought him to a rocky cave, whence issued cries of woe; - A lion there was screaming, with a splinter in his toe: - He volunteered his services; the noble brute, not proud, - A surgical inspection of his tender foot allowed. - - Androcles drew the splinter out; the lion joy expressed— - This ends the first part of my lay; Part II. contains the rest. - - PART II. - - There's tumult in the Forum, and the people onward press; - Androcles, now a criminal, is in a precious mess: - He's got to meet a lion, hungry, savage, and unchained; - And act Van Amburgh with a beast that never has been trained. - - The Colosseum's rows are filled with citizens of mark— - Vespasian's amphitheatre, not the one in Regent's Park— - The tribunes and ὁι πολλοι are all making up their books, - Or drawing for a lion "sweep," with eager turfish looks. - - The den is opened, horror reigns, no soul is heard to speak; - Androcles strikes an attitude, like Keller's _Poses Plastiques_; - When Nero, darting from his cage, no longer fierce and wild, - Takes up the doomed one in his arms as though he were a child; - And roars and dances gaily on his hind legs loud and long, - As we have seen the Nigger when he sings the Banjo song. - - The criminal is innocent!—he need no longer stay; - And with the lion arm-in-arm he bows and walks away.— - And so long live Androcles, and the lion long live he; - And next time such a thing occurs, may we be there to see! - -[Illustration: - - LEO—Androcles and the Lion. -] - -[Illustration] - - - THE BOUQUET PROJECTOR, OR CERITO CATAPULT. - -The great difficulty experienced in throwing bouquets to popular -performers has long been the subject of complaint at the Opera and other -theatres. It is calculated that, in every twelve bouquets thrown at the -stage, three fall in the stalls, four hit the fiddles, two reach the -proscenium (one of which tumbles at the feet of somebody it was not -intended for), and the rest fly into the pit-boxes, where they were -never meant to go, or break into pieces in the air, showering down like -floricultural rockets upon the heads of the spectators. To remedy this -inconvenience the Cerito catapult has been invented. It consists of a -gun working with a spring; and the nicest aim can be taken, as it is -screwed on to the front of the box. N.B.—Double-barrelled machines for a -_pas de deux_; and bouquets prepared, like grapeshot, to tumble into -thirty small ones, for danseuses Viennoises and Anglaises. - - - THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN JULY. - -AT the beginning of the month tell your partners at evening parties that -you have not yet decided whether you shall go to Wiesbaden, Naples, or -the Tyrol for the autumn; but be careful towards the end to bespeak the -humble lodging at Gravesend or Margate. - -Do not take a horse in the park that bears marks of collar and crupper, -because it looks like one you might have hired at seven-and-sixpence for -the afternoon's ride. - -A walk at the West-end should not now be taken except in evening dress, -that people may think you are going to a dinner or evening party. A -reputation for fashion and fortune may be cheaply purchased by walking -under the colonnade, at half-past midnight, in the same costume. - -If you wish to escape from society and get yourself into condition, -sponge upon some friend who has moors in Scotland for a fortnight's -deerstalking. This sport consists in running with your back parallel to -the horizon, and your nose within two inches of the ground, against the -wind, for several hours. Do not ask where the deer are, as it will -betray your inexperience; everybody is supposed to know. - -[Illustration] - - - THE BOW-STREET GRANGE. - BY ALFRED TENNYSON. - - With blackest mud, the locked-up sots - Were splashed and covered, one and all - And rusty nails, and callous knots, - Stuck from the bench against the wall. - The wooden bed felt hard and strange; - Lost was the key that oped the latch; - To light his pipe he had no match, - Within the Bow Street station's range. - He only said, "It's very dreary;" - "Bail will not come," he said; - He said, "I have been very beery, - I would I were a-bed!" - - The rain fell like a sluice that even; - His Clarence boots could not be dried, - But had been soaked since half-past seven— - To get them off in vain he tried. - After the smashing of his hat, - Just as the new police came by, - And took him into custody, - He thought, I've been a precious flat, - He only said, "The cell is dreary;" - "Bail cometh not," he said; - He said, "I must be very beery, - I wish I was in bed!" - - Upon the middle of the night, - Waking, he heard a stunning row; - Some jolly cocks sang out till light, - And would not keep still anyhow. - He wished to bribe, but had no change - Within his pockets, all forlorn, - And so he kept awake till morn - Within that lonely Bow Street grange. - He only said, "The cell is dreary;" - "Bail cometh not," he said; - He said, "I must be very beery, - I'd rather be in bed!" - - All night within that gloomy cell - The keys within the padlock creaked; - The tipsy 'gents' bawled out as well, - And in the dungeons yelled and shrieked. - Policeman slyly prowled about; - Their faces glimmered through the door, - But brought not, though he did implore, - One humble glass of cold without. - He only said, "The night is dreary;" - "Bail cometh not," he said; - He said, "I have been very beery, - I would I were in bed!" - - At morn, the noise of boys aloof, - Inspectors' orders, and the chaff - Of cads upon the busses' roof, - To Poplar bound, too much by half - Did prove; but most he loathed the hour - When Mr. Jardine chose to say - Five shillings he would have to pay, - Now he was in policeman's power. - Then said he, "This is very dreary;" - "Bail will not come," he said; - He said, "I'll never more get beery, - But go straight home to bed!" - - - THE SCHOOL OF DESIGN. - -In chronicling the designs of this school for the past and forthcoming -year, we cannot fall in with the abuse lavished upon it by some of our -contemporaries. We believe, from many others, that the following will be -most likely to interest our readers:— - -A design for a new dance against next season, by the Terpsichorean -professors, to meet the depression in their trade, since everybody knew -the Polka. - -A design of the journalists of England to make the gentlemen of the bar -understand their proper position. - -A design of the journalists of France to attribute their thrashing in -Algeria to the gold of "perfide Albion." - -A design of the _Times_ newspaper to expose the railway swindles and -burst all the bubbles. - -A design of certain medical students against the knockers and bell-pulls -near Guy's and St. Thomas's. - -A design for a human oven, to enable savage aborigines to cook their -victims instead of eating them raw, by Colonel Pelissier; a laudable -attempt to exhibit the refinements of French colonization. - - - THE ZODIAC-AUGUST. - VIRGO.—THE OLD MAID. - - [SCENE—A TEA TABLE.] - - You like it weak, Miss Patience Crab,—the same, just as the last? - (As I was saying, all those Smiths are living much too fast.) - One lump of sugar more, my dear? Thank you, that's just the thing. - (No income can support those trips to London every spring—) - Another crumpet, dear Miss Quince—nay, just one tiny bit? - (The set the girls made at Sir John did not turn out a hit.) - Poor Carlo don't seem very well; I think he has caught cold— - (The eldest girl is passable, I own, but much too bold.) - The poor dear darling little dog is anything but strong. - (Depend upon it, we shall hear of something going wrong.) - Another cup, love? Sugar? Milk? I hope you like your tea? - (I don't mean to insinuate—no matter—we shall see.) - Now let me recommend the cake; you'll find it very nice. - (I really hope that those poor Smiths will take some friend's advice.) - - [_Cats and dogs begin to fight—parrot screams—confusion. - The conversation is broken up._] - - - THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN AUGUST. - -About the 10th, look for falling stars—not various actors, authors, and -singers I could name, but shooting meteors. If they do not appear, you -must blame them, and not me. - -Towards the 12th, tell all your friends how deuced disagreeable it is to -be tied by the leg from pressure of business, and not able to accept an -invitation to the Highlands, where a thousand acres of grouse have been -preserved on purpose for you. - -About the end, buy a guinea shooting-jacket, and hang it about your -room. Also keep an old gun, to be cleaning whenever your friends call. - -By the way, if you should go to the North, avoid buying one of those -shooting-jackets said, in the advertisements, to resemble the "bonnie -heather," because your back, being seen in motion, may be taken by an -inexperienced friend for a bush with a bird in it, and you will probably -receive the contents of his double-barrel in the neighbourhood of your -lumbar vertebræ. - -[Illustration: - - VIRGO—Unmatched enjoyment. -] - - - HISTORICAL MEMORANDA: - KINDLY FURNISHED TO THE EDITOR BY THE MEMBERS OF THE OLD - ORIGINAL "ARCHÆOLOGICAL ASSOCIATION," RESPECTING - THE NEW HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT. - -According to Fitzwalker, a monk who wrote in the middle ages, the first -House of Commons was so called from having been the only house in the -centre of the commons, which formed the site of the present city of -Westminster. It was built by King Cole, from a portion of the ruins of -Thebes, whence the stones were brought in that monarch's one-horse -chaise to save expense; and as only one could be carried at a time, the -journeys backwards and forwards took many years. Subsequently, a -peculiar species of cake was manufactured there for the king, termed -_parliament_; and from the officers of state being accustomed to eat -this during their debates, the senate took its name. This structure was -burnt down in 1834, by catching fire from the inflammatory speech of an -Irish member; and its rebuilding was entrusted to Mr. Barry, the -celebrated clown at Astley's. Much speculation has taken place as to -whether the lady of this clever pantomimist and architect is the one -addressed by Mr. Tennyson, in "Locksley Hall," in the line— - - "As the husband, so the wife is: thou art mated to a clown." - -Mr. Barry celebrated the laying of the first stone by driving four ducks -on the Thames, from Battersea to Westminster, in a washing-tub,—being -half of the identical butt in which the Earl of Malmsey was drowned by -the Duke of Clarence, afterwards William IV., in the presence of -Shakspeare, Hume, and Macready. - -[Illustration] - -The notorious Guy, Lord Vaux, celebrated for blowing up the house, was -captured in the vaults of the building. In trying to escape he -dislocated both his ankles,—as may be always seen in the likenesses of -him, carried about on the 5th of November, when the feet are invariably -hind-side before. - -The Speaker of the House of Commons is so called from never opening his -mouth. He has, however, to take in all the members choose to spout, and -therefore may be regarded as the Uncle of the senate, King Alfred being -the Father, or, according to others, Mr. Byng. But this affinity does -not constitute any degree of relationship between Mr. Byng (or King -Alfred) and the Speaker, any more than Mr. Boyle's having been the -father of chemistry, made his brother, if he had one, chemistry's uncle. - -The members of the House put M.P. after their names; which are the -initial letters of Mistaken Profession. - - - MARTYRS OF SCIENCE. - -It is lamentable to think that so many of those whose discoveries have -tended to advance the general welfare of society have fallen victims -either to their zeal in the pursuit, or the apathy of the public. The -following instances will sufficiently prove the fact:— - - - JAMES WATT, - -Acting upon the Greek maxim, γνωθι σεαυτον, devoted his whole life to -solving the mysterious problem of "what's what?" Yet he burst his boiler -eventually, and, as he was accustomed with a melancholy facetiousness to -remark, was seldom able to fill his own stuffing-box. He choked himself -with a new roll, which was in consequence termed a penny buster. His -great bust was the work of Chantrey. To him we owe the invention of the -baked-tater can. His hymns have been much admired. - - - NEWTON, - -The great inventor of the solar system, was descendant of the Earl of -Orrery. He discovered the centrifugal force from watching the scenes in -the circle at Astley's. Whilst seated in his usual place in the pit one -night, he was hit on the head by an apple from the gallery, supposed to -have been aimed at Widdicombe, which led him to the discovery of the -gravity of the earth, though it destroyed that of the house. Yet this -great man was in his old age reduced to keep an eating-house near -Leicester Square, formerly called the Hotel Newton, but now better known -as Berthollini's. - - - DR. JENNER, - -Whilst in the incipient stages of small-pox, was tossed by a cow, which -led him to the discovery of vaccination. Yet he was often without the -means of procuring a ha'porth of milk; so that he was wont to say, when -in a merry mood, that although his discovery had extirpated the -confluent state, it had not left him in an affluent one. Cowes was his -favourite residence, where he died in a state of monomania, fancying -himself one of them. - - - HARVEY, - -Invented the circulation of the blood; yet he composed his "Meditations -amongst the Tombs" with no other stimulus than a bottle of his own -sauce, during an excursion to Kensal Green. Ultimately, coming to -poverty, he took the situation of Hermit, at Vauxhall, and lived upon -pulse. His works are now only found at circulating libraries. - - - PRIESTLEY, - -Although he discovered the properties of air, had not sufficient -property of his own to raise the wind. He found out the composition of -the atmosphere; but was unable to effect a composition with his -creditors. During the "NO POPERY" riots his house was torn down by the -mob, who said they would have "none of that _air_." He afterwards -travelled about the country with lucifer matches, whence he has been -erroneously termed a light porter. He died ultimately from want of -breath, ungratefully deserted by that element which he had raised from -obscurity, and left his discoveries as an _heir_loom to the nation. He -died in a Wynd in Edinburgh, but his remains were afterwards removed to -Ayr, where an humble admirer afterwards inscribed this terse but -touching epitaph upon his tomb:— - - "Here lies Priestley. - Whose treatment was beastly." - - - DAVY (SIR HUMPHREY), - -Until he came of age, was originally a miner in the north of England, -where he invented the wonderful lamp, mentioned in the Arabian Nights. -Hence each miner, on entering the pit, is required to "take his davy," -or he will otherwise be blown up. He was very fond of salmon-fishing, -but was never known to catch any. Poverty having depressed his spirits -he took to laughing gas, and this, combining with other gases which he -was accustomed to swallow in large quantities, produced spontaneous -combustion, of which he died, whilst at sea, and was there interred in -his own locker. During three days in the week he might be seen in the -park, dining with his noble godfather, the Duke Humphrey. Such was the -fate of one, of whom we may say, in the words of the poet:— - - "Take him for all in all, he cannot fail, - To point a moral, and adorn a tale." - - - THE ZODIAC—SEPTEMBER. - LIBRA—THE WEIGHTS AND MEASURES. - FROM SPENSER'S "FAERIE QUEENE." - - And next inspectors came, with boics arounde, - And porters heavie laden with the spoyle - Of "cheapest shoppes," wherein false weights were found, - Which did the chapman's reputation soyle, - As fylching what poor folk did gain by toyle, - Making their little less, by sly transfer - Of "jerrie," pennie-piece, or wire coyle, - To get a draught against the purchaser, - But never 'gainst himself in such way did he erre. - - - THE JURY'S GUIDE TO FALSE WEIGHTS AND MEASURES. - -BAKERS.—"_Down again to 5d.!!_" placarded on the window, expresses a -draught of an ounce against the purchaser. If a microscopic "¾" is added -in pencil, the loss will be greater. - -GROCERS.—"_The famous Four Shilling Tea!!_" stuck in a pyramid of that -article, means that a quarter of an ounce falls off in every pound. -Another quarter may be added for every note of admiration. - -GENERAL DEALERS.—"_Look!_" in red letters, over the price of anything -per pound, intimates that you should do so, and very narrowly, when the -aforesaid pound is weighed. - -CHEESEMONGERS.—"_One trial will prove the fact!_" is an unmistakeable -evidence of short weight. At the same time, it can scarcely be called a -deception; as, if the affair is ever brought to the trial, one is -usually found to be sufficient to prove anything. - -_Note_—That an armed warrior at Astley's, or Mr. Paul Bedford, as the -_Dragon_, at the Adelphi, cannot be taken up for using false scales; but -that all Members of Parliament may be called to account for false -measures. - - * * * * * - -A new application of the Wenham Lake Ice has been discovered. By placing -a small portion on the cruet-stand, "chilly vinegar" can be produced to -any amount. The success of the "Sherry Cobblers" has induced the more -refined West End Clubs to establish "Madeira Shoemakers" for their -patrician _habitués_. The Wenham Lake Ice is preserved in blankets. -This, at first sight, appears remarkable until we recollect the power of -a "wet blanket" to throw a chill over everything. - -[Illustration: - - LIBRA—Striking the Balance. -] - - - THE REVELATIONS OF LONDON. - -Mr. Harrison Ainsworth is respectfully requested to reveal the following -real mysteries of London, before he concludes his romance, if it is his -intention to do so:— - -What becomes of all the old cabs and coaches when they get past work? - -Where waiters go to when they have a holiday? - -Who is _the_ subscriber to the "Metropolitan Magazine," and where a -number can be seen; or whether its existence is a fiction? - -Where the money comes from which everybody, without an exception, is -reported to have made on the railways? - -If the toll-keepers on Waterloo Bridge have any private friends? - -What direction of the compass Marylebone Lane runs in, and where it -begins and ends? - -When the gates of Leicester Square were last unlocked; and who goes in, -except the cats? - -What lobster sauce is made of at cheap eating-houses; and what -difference exists between the melted butter of the same places and thin -paste? - -Why Piccadilly omnibuses always stop at the corner of Coventry Street, -and then go down a miserable narrow lane, instead of the Haymarket? - -Why, when you go into a linendraper's to buy a pair of white kids, you -are asked, ten times out of eleven, whether you will not have -straw-coloured? - -Where the crowd of boys rise up from, to open the cab-door, or seize -your carpet-bag, the minute you get out of a railway omnibus, none -having been visible just before? - -What species of position is gained from drinking champagne with the -funny singers at a supper tavern, out of a tankard? - -How tradesmen of vast minds contrive to put "25,000 muffs and boas!" -into a house not capable of accommodating fifty? - - - AN UNPUBLISHED POEM. - BY ROBERT BURNS. - - - "_Lilt your Johnnie._" - - Wi' patchit brose and ilka pen, - Nae bairns to clad the gleesome ken; - But chapmen billies, a' gude men, - And _Doon_ sae bonnie! - Ne'er let the scornfu' mutchit ben; - But lilt your Johnnie! - - For whistle binkie's unco' biel, - Wad haggis mak of ony chiel, - To jaup in luggies like the deil, - O'er loop or cronnie: - You wadna croop to sic a weel; - But lilt your Johnnie! - - Sae let the pawkie carlin scraw, - And hoolie, wi' outlandish craw, - Kail weedies frae the ingle draw - As blyth as honie; - Amang the thummart dawlit wa' - To lilt your Johnnie! - - - THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN SEPTEMBER. - -If anyone sends you a brace of partridges, do not eat them yourself, but -tie one of your own cards to them, write on the back of it, "shot this -morning," and send them where you think the attention will pay best. In -that way you are much more certain to make a hit than if you foolishly -attempted to shoot them yourself. - -If you are a member of parliament, get a "pair," that you may be off to -your manor, this being now the custom. If you like stag-hunting, you had -better stay on a railway committee. - -If you meet a friend, complain of being dull and the emptiness of -London: this looks as if your acquaintances were in the habit of going -out of town; the fact being, that no one you know leaves London from one -year's end to the other except your tailor. - -If you are a barrister, you are expected to be on circuit at this time; -but as this is expensive when you have no brief, put a placard on your -outer door, "On the Northern Circuit," and live in a single room at -Manor Cottage, Kennington, or a similar locality. - -[Illustration: - - SCORPIO—The Slanderer—"I could a tale unfold." -] - - - THE ZODIAC—OCTOBER. - SCORPIO—THE SLANDERER. - - Well, I really can't see how a laugh can be got - Out of slander, and scorpions, and lies, and what not; - If out of such subjects grow matter of mirth, - 'Tis for gentry in black who live lower than earth. - - And I know for my own part I've reason to grieve - That young women anonymous letters believe; - What a Scorpion was he who wrote my Mary Anne - That I was a very "irregular man!" - - Oh! cruel George Cruikshank, how could you invent - Such a horrible picture with comic intent? - I hope that if ever you've your Mary Anne, - You'll be called, as I was, an "irregular man." - - - THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN - OCTOBER. - -That if you are a sober man, according to the old song, you may now -prepare to "fall as the leaves do," and die this month. - -If the settling for the Leger has prevented you from settling your -day-book, and you wish to commit suicide without the discredit of -_felo-de-se_, get invited to a _battue_. Place yourself about the centre -of the wood, and you will be tolerably certain to be hit by something or -somebody. - -That theatres are said to open this month; but as nobody is ever known -to go to them, the only proof of this is the fact that they are found -open at a later time of the year. - -The clubs become empty about this time, therefore it is a good -opportunity of asking any friend of uncouth or disreputable appearance -to dine with you, as he will only afford amusement to the servants -instead of the members, which is not likely to be so painful to your -feelings. - -Freshmen go up to the Universities, and may be expected to come down -upon their governors with heavy bills. Medical students walk the -Hospitals, and run into debt. - -[Illustration] - - - THE NEW MAGAZINE MACHINE. - -This novel application of mechanism, to the purposes of periodical -publications, is the invention of an ingenious _littérateur_. The -hoppers above being fed with subject of all sorts, from "Criminal -Trials" to "Joe Millers," the handle is turned, and the fountain-pens -immediately begin to write articles upon everything. The idea has been -taken from the _Eureka_, but very much elaborated. The demand for -"Virtuous Indignation" is very great just now; hence all blue-eyed, -shoeless infants, taken up for stealing, street-vagabonds, and rascally -poachers (whose punishment it is the fashion to call "the wrongs of the -poor man"), will fetch good prices, by applying to publishers generally. - - - TUBAL CAIN. - BY CHARLES MACKAY. - - [_To be sung by Mr. H. Russell._] - - Old Tubal Cain was a cunning file, - In the days when men were green; - But not till night, when the gas burnt bright, - Was he ever to be seen. - And he fashioned reports for the daily press, - Of sudden deaths and fire; - But a penny a line by his industry - Was all he could acquire. - - And he sang, "Hurrah! for my handiwork - Hurrah! for the street called Bow; - Hurrah! for the tin that its office brings, - When pockets run rather low!" - - But a sudden thought came into his head, - As he gazed on the _Evening Sun_; - And he thought, as its lists of new lines he read, - That a great deal might be done. - He saw that men whom nobody knew - Soon swallowed up every share; - And he said to himself, "I will do so too, - And date my note 'Eaton Square!'" - - And he sang, "Hurrah! for my handiwork; - As he posted it then and there; - Not for wealth and trade were the new lines made," - And he _stagged_ the first railway share! - - And for many a night did Tubal Cain write, - In the tap of the "Cheshire Cheese;" - And the penny stamp, with paste still damp, - Procured him his scrip with ease. - And he rose at last, with a cheerful face, - To seek his own house and grounds; - For he very soon made, by his capital trade, - Above twenty thousand pounds! - - And he sang, "Alas! how I ever could think - Of my newspaper work to brag; - The only use of a pen and ink - Is to bring all the scrip to the STAG!" - - - FIRST ANNUAL REPORT OF THE ASTLEY'S - ASSOCIATION - FOR THE DIFFUSION OF GENERAL INFORMATION. - -This meeting, first established by Professor Widdicombe, the father of -the Antiquarian Society, promises to become a most important -institution. Through the urbanity of the Professor, who has spent a very -long life—in fact, so long as to be almost fabulous—in collecting -information on various points not apparently properly understood, we -have been favoured with the "Report;" and from it we propose to make -various extracts, premising, that "The Bride of the Nile," "The Conquest -of Amoy," "The Battle of Hastings," "The ditto of Waterloo," with other -dramas, have furnished the authorities. - - - THE WONDERS OF ANCIENT EGYPT. - -The mysteries of Isis, amongst the ancient Egyptians, were more simple -than they are generally supposed to be; the sacred fires being trimmed -with tow and turpentine every evening, and not being perpetual, but -lighted with a lucifer, when wanted to juggle the multitude. The High -Priests received six shillings a week for keeping them in order; and -when the ceremonies were over, they frequently changed their costume and -mingled with the crowd, to assist the deception. Celibacy was not -insisted on, as several were married men, with families, residing in -Lambeth. - -Although in the chariot and gladiatorial contests of the Egyptians -desperate struggles took place, yet all animosity ceased when the fight -was over. Many of them, as they prepared for the contest, shared the -Memphian baked potato, or the cold without, with much good-fellowship; -and it was not uncommon, after the fight, to see the victor tending the -foe whom he had forced to bite the dust until his mouth was full of it, -and it required washing down with beer. - - - THE WAR IN CHINA. - -A little circumstance connected with the taking of Amoy was not -mentioned in the despatches. After Sir Henry Pottinger had addressed the -troops they rushed away cheering, whilst he remained and made his horse -dance a hornpipe for five minutes to the band, although he was directly -under the ramparts. This is an unparalleled instance of coolness and -self-possession in a moment of danger. - - - EARLY WIT, ETC. - -Jokes were common amongst the Normans. Before "The Battle of Hastings," -when Harold's envoy came to know on what principle William invaded -Britain, William replied, "Tell your master we will return his wrongs -with _interest_, and teach him _principle_." The barons did not laugh, -probably from etiquette; but this must have been a good joke in those -days. - -Harold was killed by an arrow, as is commonly believed. It was, however, -a species of suicide, as he stuck it into his head himself, on the sly, -not choosing to trust to the archery of the soldiers. Considering the -lightness of the dress in which he went to battle it is a wonder he was -not killed before. His armour was simply rings of tin, tacked upon -cotton velvet. - -The story of the old chroniclers that Harold survived the battle, -receives some confirmation from the fact that half an hour after the -contest he was seen, muffled in a Tweed, asking the price of some -sausages in the New Cut. These were probably to subsist on in his -retirement. - -The Norman William celebrated his conquest by taking a pipe and a glass -of grog, with one particular friend, at an hostelry adjoining the scene -of action, when it was all over. - -[Illustration] - - - TREACHERY AT WATERLOO - -According to the latest Astley authorities, dated last June, the Battle -of Waterloo occupied six minutes exactly. Several French soldiers walked -undisguisedly into the quarters of the English army before the fight -commenced; and some, at the extreme back of the scene, fought -indiscriminately on either side, as occasion required. But the gravest -circumstance is, that in the heat of the action the Duke of Wellington, -approaching Marshal Soult, said to him, "Don't let your fellows fire -until mine have!" a course which must have led them to destruction, had -not General Widdicombe roared, with a voice of thunder, "What the devil -are you doing there, you stupid asses?"—which produced the last grand -charge. The story of the ball at Brussels is an idle invention. The -officers were at no ball at all; except two, who had visited Mr. Baron -Nathan's assembly at Kensington but a little time previously: and as to -their being taken by surprise, they knew for weeks what was coming, even -to the very hour and minute of the attack, and the precise manner in -which it would be made. The following beautiful lines are but little -known, and well deserve a place in this report. They are the production -of Lord Byron, and were written at the request of the late Andrew -Ducrow, Esq., describing the scene immediately before the commencement -of the battle. - - "There was a sound of revelry by night; - And Astley's manager had gathered then - His supers and his cavalry; and bright - The gas blazed o'er tall women and loud men. - The audience waited happily; and when - The orchestra broke forth with brazen swell, - Apples were sold for most extensive gain; - And ginger beer popped merrily as well!— - But hush! hark! what's that noise, just like our parlour-bell? - - "Did ye not hear it?—No, sir!—Never mind; - P'raps 'twas the Atlas bus to Oxford Street. - Strike up, you fiddlers!—Now, young feller, mind! - Don't scrouge, or you shall go where police meet, - To chase the knowing thieves with flying feet!— - But hark! that sound is heard again—once more! - And boys, with whistle shrill, its note repeat; - And nearer, clearer, queerer than before!— - Hats off!—It is, it is—the bell from prompter's door! - - "Ah! then was hurry-skurry, to and fro; - And authors' oaths, and symptoms of a mess; - And men as soldiers, who, two nights ago, - Went round the circus in a Chinese dress! - And there were rapid paintings, such as press - On those who ply the arts, with choking size, - Which ne'er might be completed! Who could guess - How all would look before the public eyes, - When on that 'Street in Brussels' the act drop would rise!" - - - STANZAS SUGGESTED BY A VIEW OF - ROSHERVILLE. - BY A BANK CLERK. - - Oh, Rosherville! thou bringest all good things - Home to the Gravesend beaux and city "gents:" - A dinner for a shilling, rifles, swings, - Baronial halls, arbours, and canvas tents! - Where comic gentleman, or lady, sings, - And Baron Nathan some fresh dance invents;[1] - Or brave toxophilites the longbow draw, - And strive to hit the Albert Tell of straw.[2] - - Sweet Eden! which for fivepence we may gain, - Or there and back for ninepence by the _Star_; - Upon whose deck, released from sacks and grain, - Mark Lane Lotharios smoke the light cigar: - Stock Exchange Stags, and clerks from Mincing Lane, - Who prate of "consols," "shares," and "scrip," and "par," - Crowding towards the gangway, as they near - The Thames-washed steps of Rosherville's fair pier. - - Enchanted chalk-pit! from thy lonely tower - Signor Gellini,[3] amidst flames of fire, - Glides on the single rope, by magic power, - When Chiarini Cocoa-nuts retire;[4] - And as it darker grows, in every bower - Soft whispered nothings—tales of love, transpire— - All this for sixpence! Can such misers be! - Who'd grudge that sum, sweet Rosherville, to thee? - - Yes, Gravesend! to thy shrimps my memory clings, - And to that loved one—would I could forget her!— - Who tied in double knots my heart's young strings; - Dating from Parrock Street each scented letter, - But flew from me, one day, on fancy's wings, - All for another gent as she loved better; - And left me lonely, in a dark dilemma, - On Windmill Hill, to warble "Faithless Emma."[5] - - But as, in _La Sonnambula_, the man - In love sings, "Still so gently o'er me stealing," - Although I combat with it all I can, - I find that "memory will bring back the feeling." - But love, at any time, lasts but a span; - And so, in "spite of all my grief revealing," - I will revisit Rosherville's domain, - And drown in "tea with cresses"[6] all my pain. - -Footnote 1: - - Nathan, Lord Rosherville, and Baron of Kennington, has been - immortalized in _Punch_. His Terpsichorean ingenuity is remarkable. - Perhaps his "Polka Hornpipe, in chain armour and handcuffs," is his - most remarkable dance. - -Footnote 2: - - "_The Albert Tell of straw._"—This work of art is an appropriate mark - for the archers to shoot at. It is a species of cross-breed between - Guy Fawkes and a bee-hive. - -Footnote 3: - - "_Signor Gellini, amidst_," &c.—This accomplished foreigner, amongst - other acquirements, speaks English equal to any native. - -Footnote 4: - - "_When Chiarini Cocoa-nuts_," &c.—The Chiarini family are a race of - animated castanets; and their evident self-satisfaction at this cocoa - dance has originated the saying of being "nuts" on anything. - -Footnote 5: - - Flirtations of all kinds thrive at Rosherville and Gravesend, "which - it is well beknown," as Mrs. Gamp would say. - -Footnote 6: - - "_Tea with cresses_," or "Tea with shrimps," each at ninepence, forms - the staple meal of Gravesend. The tea is usually the "strong rough - congou," at three-and-four. One trial will prove the fact. - -[Illustration: - - SAGITTARIUS—The Archer—(Not "Venus' Son divine.") -] - - - THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN NOVEMBER. - -When you come back to town do not say to what precise part of the -Continent you have been, or you may be found out; "A Walking Tour in -Norway" is, however, tolerably safe; and the principal objects may be -read up from Murray's "Handbook." If you were seen at the aforesaid -Margate, or Gravesend (as the case may be), say you were obliged to go -one day to the horrid place, to see a fellow who had sold you a horse. - -That if you are in debt, the heavy fogs will allow you to walk past the -doors of your principal creditors, which will open several new -promenades to you. - -If you wish to pass for a fox-hunter, take a day ticket on the -Birmingham rail, in the second-class carriages, in pink and leathers. -Everybody will then suppose you have a horse in a box behind—an -impression of which you are not bound to disabuse them. This is what in -melodramas is called "joining the hunting train." - -That scarlet-runners may now be planted in ditches, and trained along -ploughed fields in their stirrups. - - - THE TRAFALGAR FOUNTAINS. - -These popular ornaments, whose capabilities for jokes have nearly been -exhausted, are about to receive a new interest from the application of -an old philosophical fact. It is well known that a jet of water will -support any hollow conical body as long as it plays: it is therefore in -contemplation to place an Albert hat on the top of each fountain, which -will be kept at a certain elevation, and form an appropriate -accompanying trophy to the Nelson column; the two portraying the United -Service. - -[Illustration] - - - HISTORICAL MEMORANDA. - DRURY LANE THEATRE. - -Drury Lane Theatre was built in 1667, one year after the great fire of -London, by Mr. William Shakspeare, assisted by Mr. Bunn, a great -dramatist, from the designs of Mr. Planché, an eminent architect. -Shakspeare was an extraordinary musician; and his solos on the -ophicleide, whilst in the orchestra of the Globe Theatre, were much -admired. He composed several musical dramas, amongst which "Hamlet, -Prince of Tyre," "As You Like It, or So I hope you'll recommend it," -"The Two Gentlemen of Windsor," "Antony and Juliet," have gained a -transient popularity. He was originally in trade at Stratford-upon-Avon, -but being convicted of "stagging" on the Charlecote Line, he fled to -London, and assumed the name of Fitzball, under which cognomen he -published his best pieces. He was buried, at his own request, in the -rotunda of the theatre, under the fireplace, where his monument may be -seen for nothing on going to take places. - - * * * * * - -Should the _Premier_ make any unusual stir with respect to the present -vegetable epidemic, it is probable that he will be known to future ages -as "_Potato Peel_." - -In the event of Boz's "_Cricket on the Hearth_" proving successful, a -talented Lord will bring out his "_Trap, Bat, and Ball on the -Mantel-piece_." - - - HINTS TO NOVELISTS, FOR 1846. - -The increasing demand for this species of literature, whether with or -without a purpose—the latter style being, perhaps, the most popular—has -called forth a number of new pens to meet it. Some of these being rather -new at their work, stand in need of a little assistance; and we are most -happy in being able to give it, in the shape of those methods of -commencing a tale which experience has shown to be the most successful, -and hence the most universally followed:— - - - THE READ-UP, OR JAMESONIAN. - -IF we examine closely the records of the past, we shall find that the -principal source of the public morality, or vice, springs in most cases -from the acts or institutions of the government; and this was especially -remarkable at the commencement of the seventeenth century, in France. -The youth of Louis XIII.; the feebleness of his character, even in -advanced age; his incapacity, and that of his regent mother, gave rise -to all kinds of imperfections, and opened the career to excesses of -feudality, and all sorts of lawless ambitions. Evil, departing from this -centre, spread amongst all classes of people: the organization of the -clergy affected the position of the laity; and the intrigues of the -Count de Soissons, Condé, and others, favoured the general corruption. - -Things stood thus when, one fine spring morning, two horsemen in -military attire were slowly traversing one of the large tracts of forest -land which then stretched between Compiègne and Beauvais. - -[_At this point search the British Museum, and get up the costumes from -pictures. The "low countries" is effective._] - - - THE PSEUDO-GRAPHIC, OR WEAK BOZ-AND-WATER. - -Any one whom business or pleasure has taken across Hungerford Bridge may -have observed, on the right hand, as he reached the Lambeth side of the -river, a curious tumbledown-looking counting-house, something between a -travelling caravan and the city barge, elevated on some rickety piles, -with a rusty balcony projecting from its river front, and without any -visible means of access or egress, except down the chimney, or along a -rotten row of spouts, barely fastened to its decaying woodwork. It is a -dismal, melancholy place. The glass has been untouched for years, and is -coated with dirt, although through it may be seen files of old -dust-covered papers, hanging amidst festooned cobwebs and corroded -inkstands, with stumps of pens still sticking in the holes. Everything -tells of broken hearts and ruined fortunes; of homes made desolate by -misplaced confidence, and long, long lawsuits, which outlived those who -started them, and were left—with nothing else, to the poor and -struggling heirs! - -It was a miserable November evening: the passengers were glooming -through the haze of the feeble lights, choked by the river fog, like dim -spectres; and a melancholy drip fell, in measured plashings, from every -penthouse and coping, as two figures slowly pursued their way towards -this dreary place, through some of the old and tortuous streets that lie -between the York Road and the river side. - -[_The heroes (as the case may be) being thus introduced, the author can -go ahead with his plot, if he has one._] - -[Illustration] - - - THE TOPOGRAPHICAL, OR TRANSATLANTIC. - -The long chain of rocky mountains which, reaching from the Oregon to New -York, forms a natural boundary to the prairies on the Canada side of the -Mississippi, is more than once crossed by rugged tracks, left by the -early emigrants to the far west shores of the continent. These are here -and there dotted with villages, whose buildings bear traces of their -Dutch origin, and watered by streams flowing through the hunting grounds -of the Pawnee and Webfooted Indians, until they mingle with the roar of -Niagara, above Buffalo. - -[_Having settled your scene in this locality, you go on about the -Indians as follows:_—] - -"That's the crack of a tarnal rifle from them Mingoes," said the Scamp, -as he listened to the report; "why on 'arth they're not shot off like -nat'ral animals is just above my comprension." - -His Indian companion looked to the ground with a low expressive "Hugh!" -and picked up a shell. - -"The Huron is a coward," he said: "his squaw is idle in his wigwam; and -his mocassins are weak. The Ojibbeway will have his scalp." - -"The creetur is right," replied the Scamp: "I'd back the downey cove's -rifle against any blazer them infarnal Mingoes ever struck fire into." - -[_The Indians should always speak in the third person: "fire-water," -"great spirit," "pale-faces," "wampum," &c., will add to the effect; and -the general habits may be ground up from recollections of the Egyptian -Hall._] - - - THE ECLOGIC, OR GOREAN. - -"Then you will be sure and come?" said Lillie Effingham, as the party of -handsome girls and young men, with whom she was riding, turned through -the opening, on to the turf, at the side of the Serpentine. - -"Can you mistrust me?" replied her cavalier, in a low, impressive tone, -that conveyed a far deeper meaning than the four words. "Shall not you -be there?" - -"Oh, that is all very well, I know," answered Lillie, patting, with her -small hand, the glossy neck of her Arabian; "but Blanche Heathcote will -be there as well, and Lady Helen, and the bewitching Mrs. Howard; you -will be at no loss for attractive partners." - -Charles Trevor—for such was his name—smiled with a peculiar expression; -then, raising his hat to Lillie, pranced off to speak to some men in the -Guards, with whom he was to dine that day at the Palace mess. - -[_The reader is now to be let into the secret of who these two -individuals are._] - -[Illustration] - - - MOTTOES FOR CRACKER BONBONS. - -Everybody knows those kisses, burnt almonds and sugar-plums, in their -envelopes of fringed and gaudy paper, with the concealed Waterloo -cracker inside, which it is so delightful to explode during supper-time -at an evening party; and everybody also knows that the motto which this -discharge of enlivening artillery sets free is generally the most -stupid, unmeaning thing it is possible to conceive. From a quantity we -select the following as a fair specimen of the prevailing style:— - - "Beauty always fades away; - Virtue will for ever stay." - -Or,— - - "The best affections of my heart are thine, - If you to my petition will incline." - -Or,— - - "What is beauty but a bait, - Oft repented when too late?" - -Now, in place of these silly ideas, we suggest the following, which will -have the merit of inducing thinking, and, by their matter-of-fact truth, -do away with a great deal of the false atmosphere with which society is -invested:— - - When the master and mistress smile through the night, - Oh, do not believe that their bosoms are light; - Think of the plate they have had to borrow, - And the state that the house will be in to-morrow! - - Though, after a Polka with somebody nice, - You get sentimental whilst down stairs for ice, - Before you attempt her affections to win, - First try and find out if she's got any tin. - - Oh! had we but a little isle, - On which the sun might always smile; - There to reside alone with thee— - How tired out we soon should be! - - Recollect, a bad _Polkiste_ don't get much renown, - If you can't dance it well, you had better sit down. - - Love's like a trifle, fleeting soon; - Vows are the froth, and man the spoon. - - If the night's not very dry, - Find out those who've got a fly, - Whose way home your own one suits, - Because wet walking ruins boots. - - He whose gloves are new and white, - Can clean them for another night; - But he who wears them parties twain, - Can never have them cleaned again. - -We wish to see the hints here given followed out generally; and we are -sure their good effect on social life will be soon evident. - -[Illustration: - - CAPRICORNUS—A Caper o'-corns. -] - - - CORN CAPERS. - THE PAS DES MOISSONNEURS. - - We sing the _Viennoises_ so famed, - And those who at their laurels aimed, - And were the _danseuses Anglaises_ named. - - Who made the other opera elves - Begin to look about themselves, - Dreading to be put on their shelves. - - Who raised a doubt, in costume wild, - When in the final _tableau_ piled, - Which was the sheaf, and which the child. - - They heard the loud approving cheers, - From stalls, and pit, and all the tiers; - For little wheatsheaves have long ears. - - And knew, whilst they pursued that track, - Nor showed of energy a lack, - Their wheat would never get the sack. - - No league about them did declaim; - The only league, linked with their name, - Was that which oft their audience came. - - We hope to see them back again, - Fresh flowers and _bonbons_ to obtain, - Those charming little rogues in grain. - - And all the world will be there too, - The stage with fresh bouquets to strew, - And their "corn-rigs so bonnie" view. - - - THINGS TO BE BORNE IN MIND IN DECEMBER. - -That you should this month keep "in the house," by which, unlike the -Andover paupers, you will escape _dripping_. - -That managers rely upon boxing night for making a hit; and that orders -are always to be procured for the dress-circle in any quantity on that -evening; "Christmas boxes" being seldom given, and as seldom taken in -the theatres. - -That Christmas comes but once a year, which, looking to the bills that -generally accompany it, must be a great comfort to fathers of families. - -That the Christmas log is now disused, but the wood of it is found in -large quantities in the wine used in negus at Christmas parties. - -Hares will now stand on end with terror at the approach of the shooter, -and may be knocked on the head without expense of ammunition. - -That if you go out to a party, and, to save cab-hire, walk in shiny -boots, you will probably bring your "light catarrh" with you, as you -will find out if asked to sing. - -[Illustration] - - - JUDICIUM ASTROLOGICUM. - THE PRIZE PROPHECY FOR 1846. - -COURTEOUS READER, - -THE expense of keeping a prophet having increased with the diminution of -the species, towards which those mundane authorities, termed police, are -in deadly opposition, my prognostics have lately fallen in arrear. But -the prize prophecy, which was thrown open to competition last year, has -come to hand; and, fully convinced that everything put down in it will -happen, sooner or later—or, if it does not, that it ought to have done -so; and would, but for some unforeseen zodiacal altercation which threw -the signs into confusion—I now offer it to you. And I beg to inform you -that if you want cabalistic information upon any subject: to know the -railway likeliest to pay, the definite intentions of the Prime Minister, -the duration of the Income-tax, the fortune or expectations of any young -lady you may meet at a party, or the winner of the next Derby—the fee of -five sovereigns, enclosed to our Prophet at the publisher's, will ensure -an answer by the return of post; containing, in addition to all he knows -upon the subject, a great deal more that he does not. My limits forbid -further observations; but keep these remarks in mind, and look out for -the fulfilment of what is to happen in - - - JANUARY. - -A frost of some duration will cover the twelfth-cakes of the metropolis -at the commencement of the month, which will begin to be broken up about -Twelfth Night. About the middle of the month the Humane Society will -give a grand dinner, on their retirement from public life, to the Wood -Pavement Company, in gratitude to the latter for offering superior -attraction to skaters, and taking all accidents off their hands. The -Serpentine Receiving-house will be moved to the Strand in consequence; -and the Mile End Omnibuses will furnish the drags. Several diverting -little surprises will happen in families, by the delivery of bills, -which they are either "certain they paid at the time," or "don't believe -they ever owed;" but, unfortunately, being unable to produce the -receipts, will be brutally compelled to pay them again. - -Great excitement in the literary world, and especially in the magazines; -which, to give an air of novelty to the new year, will contain twenty -continuous stories each. Fearful vision of the individual who reads them -all; in which he will see the Robertses on their Travels, stopped by St. -Giles; whilst St. James is gone, with Cæsar Borgia, to pay a visit to -the Marchioness of Brinvilliers, and condole with her on the death of -Marston, who has been shot by Rowcroft's Bushranger, now under the care -of the Gaol Chaplain, whose "Revelations of London" have no effect upon -him. And the weekly press aiding this complexity, by representing Mrs. -Caudle quarrelling with Joe Miller for Rodwell's Umbrella which the -Wandering Jew gave to his Stepmother—the nightmare of the unhappy -magazine reader will be terrible indeed! - -Much discord will prevail in town by reason of nocturnal bands of -disturbers of the public peace, called the Waits, who will play "Then -you'll remember me" for one hour continuously under your window; and -call a few days afterwards, to prove the truth of their musical -assertion. The juries for putting down "false weights," have no power -over the measures of these ruthless marauders. - -A BAD RAILWAY ACCIDENT will happen, from a collision of two trains. - - - FEBRUARY. - -Parliament will meet at the usual time, when the Refuge for the -Destitute in Playhouse Yard will be turned into an asylum for the -houseless peers; the unroofed rooms and heavy rains and floods turning -the intended House of Lords into a Peerless Pool. The enclosure of the -Commons will be at the same time a great question of doubt. - -The following events will be found this month, without fail, in the -papers:—A dreadful fire in America, and another at Smyrna; a steam-boat -explosion on the Mississippi; an abortive poor-law inquiry in a Midland -county; a terrible inundation somewhere abroad; and the discovery of a -railway swindle in London; which will give rise to a grand _battue_ of -"stags," directed by the _Siva_, or destroying engine of the "Times." - -A new line of railway, direct to Windsor, will be sanctioned the -earliest in the Session; in consequence, those who make a pilgrim's -progress to the old station will find it literally the Slough of -Despond. - -A bold member, moving that the statues for the new Senate of the -sovereigns of England shall go up by order of merit rather than -succession, will secure a tolerably good perch for Oliver Cromwell; and -it is not unlikely that Byron's statue will take its place in Poet's -Corner at the same time. - -Two new steamers, the _Emmet_ and the _Earwig_, will run between London -Bridge and Chelsea six times for a penny. They will be greatly crowded -in consequence. - -SERIOUS RAILWAY ACCIDENT.—A train will get off the line and run down an -embankment into a farm-yard. - - - MARCH. - -Several legal gentlemen will be expelled from one mess to get into -another, for reporting cases; a plain statement of facts of any kind -being against all professional morality. The press will, in consequence, -turn round upon the bar; and the bar will get pretty considerably the -worst of it. The inscription, "Tongues sold here," will be transferred -from ham and beef shops to the chambers of honourable barristers. Such -reform will be worked that a leading advocate will, perhaps, hang -himself upon finding he has undertaken a wrong cause. The "Andover -Commission" will be revived as the "Underhand Inquiry." - -[Illustration] - -Von Lumley will arrive from the Continent with a variety of singing -birds, who will pipe Norma, Puritani, Don Giovanni, duets, arias, &c. - -TERRIBLE RAILWAY ACCIDENT.—A train going too fast will run over another -going too slow, from neglect of signals. - - - APRIL. - -The Shakspeare Jubilee Festival will be celebrated at the "only national -theatre" on the 23rd, with the following performances:— - -"The Grand Opera of 'HAMLET:' the Music by Mr. Balfe; the _libretto_ by -Messrs. Shakspeare and Bunn. - -"After which, a Divertissement; in which Mr. Delferier and Madame -Giubelei will, as Romeo and Juliet, dance the Capulet Polka. Grotesque -Pas de Caliban, from the 'TEMPEST,' by Mr. Wieland; and the celebrated -Desperate Combat from 'RICHARD THE THIRD,' by Messrs. T. Matthews and W. -H. Payne. - -[Illustration] - -"The whole to conclude with a New Grand Pantomime of 'HARLEQUIN MACBETH; -OR, THE MAGIC CALDRON AND WALKING WOOD.'" - -From the Opera, the following song may be predicted to be sung by the -first tenor, Hamlet:— - -[Illustration] - - "TO BE, OR NOT TO BE." - - "Oh say!—To be, or not to be? - That is the question grave; - To suffer Fortune's slings and darts, - Or seas of troubles brave. - To die; to sleep! perchance, to dream!— - Ay, there's the rub!—when we - Have shuffled off this mortal coil!— - To be, or not to be! - - "Ah! who would bear Time's whips and scorns, - The pangs of disprized love; - When he might his quietus make - By one bare bodkin's shove? - Who would these fardels bear, unless - That bourne he could foresee, - From which no traveller returns!— - To be, or not to be!" - -Arrangements will be made for the characters to promenade in the day, -time full dressed, upon the top of the portico, to the music of the -orchestra—in beef-eater's dresses. The pageant will be very splendid. - -A TERRIBLE RAILWAY ACCIDENT will happen, from the engine running up a -cutting, and then falling back on the train. - -[Illustration] - - - MAY. - -Several young ladies will now receive bouquets on the mornings of -parties, without having the "slightest idea" from whom they come. Human -glow-worms will appear hovering at night, with lanterns, round -door-steps and scrapers, until the Polkas commence; when the -street-doors in the newly-built houses will take to knocking themselves. -A new musical court of justice will condemn offending professors to -eight hours at the quadrille piano, instead of so many days at the -treadmill. A hapless _pianiste_ will be found dead at the instrument, at -a _réunion_ in Eaton Square, after the "after-supper cotillion." - -[Illustration] - -Several grand morning concerts will take place at the Opera Concert -Room, in which every _artiste_ in London will sing or play twice. They -will commence at two P.M., and always conclude in time for breakfast the -next morning. An elegant little article will be invented, called "The -Nutritive Lozenge; or, Concert Portable Larder," to support the -existence of those who _will_ wait the programme out. Arrangements will -be made with some machinery from the stage for hauling those who faint -or die through the windows on to the top of the colonnade, without -disturbing the rest of the audience. - -DREADFUL RAILWAY ACCIDENT, from the bursting of a boiler, which will -blow everybody and everything into an impalpable powder. The steam will -cook a number of greens in an adjacent field, and boil a number of pigs; -providing a choice meal for a number of residents in an adjacent union, -who will be turned out to feed for the day. - - - JUNE. - -Ascot and Epsom races will take place. Several pigeons will be let off -after each race; but other pigeons will not be let off so easily on the -Tuesday following. Gentlemen, on their way home, who have ventured to -back unruly horses, will find themselves either "hedging," or "taking -the field" the other side of it. The confusion on the road will be a -literal case of wheels-within-wheels, and jibbers will convert all the -carriages into breaks. The road home, covered with ruined poles; and the -police cannot order them to move on. The rain at Ascot will become the -first defaulter, and refuse to "down with the dust;" so that the -"Heath's Beauties" will all look as if prepared for a _bal poudré_. All -the vehicles will get inextricably locked together at Sutton; and the -passengers, not knowing what to do, will all play different tunes upon -their cornets and post-horns, illustrating the horns of a dilemma. - -At the end of the month a thunderstorm will, by its electric fluid, -create the greatest disturbance on the telegraph wires of the -Southampton Railway, catching and distorting some messages as they pass, -during a telegraphic game of chess, and other proceedings. The clerk at -the Gosport end will be utterly bewildered thereat, being ordered to -"checkmate the Kingston station with the Queen's luggage-bishop." - -SHOCKING RAILWAY ACCIDENT.—A man, lying across the rails asleep, a -favourite position, will be cut in half, and his superior portion -carried down to Bristol—the inferior remaining at Slough. Parochial -quarrel, as to the inquest, in consequence. - - - JULY. - -Opening of Vauxhall Gardens once more, positively for the last time, -upon temperance principles. Festivals of St. Swithin and Father Mathew -held on the grounds, with appropriate devices in real rain-water. Patent -taken out for the "Vauxhall Illumination Lamp," consisting of the -addition of a small parasol to each lamp. Vauxhall weather-houses sold -at the toy-shops.—N.B. When Widdicombe comes out it will be wet. Mr. -Green, finding balloons cease to attract, having successively tried a -night ascent, a lady with her leopard, a gentleman with his tiger, &c., -volunteers to go up on a skyrocket, and come down with an umbrella, -instead of a parachute. He will be taken before the Lord Mayor, on his -descent, for attempting self-destruction. - -The night before the close of the Midsummer holidays an immense number -of little boys and girls will be attacked with alarming signs of -indisposition, but on being kept at home will rapidly recover. - -The blocks of Wenham ice in the Strand shop-window will melt very -quickly—the only American affair that looks at all clear, or is -liquidated spontaneously, or (as sherry cobbler) worth a straw. - -VERY ALARMING RAILWAY ACCIDENT.—An engine getting off the line, will -carry the train through a gentleman's country house, where he is -entertaining some friends. - -[Illustration] - - - AUGUST. - -The Queen, _en voyage_, accompanied by Prince Albert, will pay a visit -to Calcutta, by the overland route, and come home by St. Petersburgh; -starting, immediately on her return, for Ireland, and thence to New -York: the whole being accomplished within the month. Great confusion in -the houses of the nobility she unexpectedly looks in upon—begging of -extra servants, borrowing of plate, and stealing of evergreens. The -illustrated papers for the week contain their thirty engravings as -usual, and they are all triumphal arches. - -Several shooting stars will be visible in the northern district about -the twelfth. Sultry weather: and the Wenham Lake ice has all melted. _Ne -sutor ultra crepidam_—no more sherry cobbler after the last. - -M. Jullien will give a Concert Monstre, and introduce his Leviathan -Ophicleide, prepared for the country festivals, and containing living, -cooking, and sleeping conveniences for his entire orchestra. - -HORRIBLE RAILWAY ACCIDENT.—An express train will leap over the wall of a -viaduct, when those who expected to "go down" by it will not be -disappointed. - - - SEPTEMBER - -The Annual Blockade, or Great Plague of London, by the Commissioners of -Sewers and Improvements, will take place this month. The nearest way -from St. Paul's to Temple Bar will be through Farringdon Street, -Smithfield, across Gray's Inn Lane, Theobald's Road (Holborn is also -closed), Red Lion Square, Queen Street, and Drury Lane. Endless rows -with cabmen in consequence, who object to eightpence for the distance. -General emigration of the British, who will be found everywhere, in the -language of the month, in large coveys, strong on the wing, and offering -excellent sport to foreigners. It is probable that the last man about -town will commit suicide in the centre of Leicester Square; to explore -which hitherto unknown locality an expedition will be fitted out, now -that the new street has opened a facility of communication with the -interior. - -The stars portend the ultimate death of Bartholomew Fair, Esquire, after -several years of wasting decline, the result of injuries received some -time ago from the corporation of London. He will lie in state in -Smithfield for three days, on a handsome bier of gilt gingerbread, and -under a canopy of show-canvas, with incense burning round him from -altars of sausage-stoves. The Black Wild Indian, the Fair Circassian, -the Yorkshire Giant, the Welsh Dwarf, the Fat Boy, the Living Skeleton, -and the Ghost from Richardson's, will in turn act as mourners. - -ANNOYING RAILWAY ACCIDENT.—The train will break down in the middle of a -two-mile tunnel, and will not be discovered until pushed out by the -next. - - - OCTOBER. - -Several fires will break out in and about London, but, as they will be -principally confined to their proper places, no ill-effects will happen, -except in the cases where the servants will neglect to open the -chimney-boards, and emancipate the blacks. About this period we may look -for the reappearance of several muffs and boas from their summer -hiding-places. - -Rain may be expected about the 4th, 8th, 15th, 22nd, and 30th of this -month. I say it may be expected, but this does not follow that it will -come. If it does not, it will fall at some other time, or probably not -at all; but the reader may rely upon one or the other of these -meteorological phenomena taking place. - -A SINGULAR RAILWAY ACCIDENT will happen from using two engines, one -before and the other behind; which, not acting together, will crumple -the train up between them, like the back of an insulted cat. The tender -will vindicate its claim to its title by being crushed to pieces. - - - NOVEMBER. - -A dense fog—an English festival of "St. Cloud"—will visit the -metropolis; during the continuance of which several blunders will be -made by the Londoners which would not otherwise have occurred. A -celebrated literary hydropathist will be mistaken for a pump of hard -water, until he is run against and found to be soft. The Penitentiary -will be taken for a poor-law union; the National Gallery for a railway -station; and St Paul's and Westminster Abbey for two religious -peep-shows: but Covent Garden Theatre will not be taken for anything by -anybody. - -LUDICROUS RAILWAY ACCIDENT.—The fastenings of a carriage will come -undone and the train will speed on to the terminus, whilst the -travellers behind are left half-way in the midst of a flooded cutting. - - - DECEMBER. - -The Young England party will be decidedly in the ascendant at the -commencement of the holidays; and materially affect "the social -condition of the people" in the house. - -Popular lectures on "cold," at the Polytechnic Institution, when the -Professor will have the subject at his fingers' ends. Dr. Ryan, having -frozen water in a red-hot crucible, will next make a piece of ice -red-hot without melting it, by reversing the process. - -The march of intellect will be found to have altered all the old -Christmas objects of revelry. The yule log will be supplanted by an -Arnott's stove; the homely carol, by an Italian scena, which the singer -does not understand; the wassail bowl, by British brandy, or perhaps -something better; and the mummers, by the far more dangerous false masks -and manners of society, as at present constituted. - -TREMENDOUS RAILWAY ACCIDENT.—Four trains will meet at a cross junction -line exactly at the same time. Every precaution will be taken to avoid -danger, as soon as the accident has occurred. - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1847. - - - DER BAILIFFE JÄGER: - AN ENGLISH BALLAD IN THE GERMAN STYLE. - - Who is it that paces that street o'er and o'er? - Why keeps he his eye ever fix'd on that door? - What seeketh he there, at an hour like this? - Bears he tidings of woe?—bears he tidings of bliss? - - No tidings of bliss does the stranger convey; - But for a bold Captain he hears a fi: fa: - And he paces that street, and he eyes that thresh-hóld; - For he seeketh to capture that Captain so bold. - - And where is the Captain he seeketh to seize? - At the "COAL HOLE," he taketh his grog, and his ease. - God send he may stop there until morning comes! - For God shield the Captain to-night from the Bums! - - But hark! in the distance, a footfall occurs; - And clinketty-clink! sounds the jingling of spurs; - And then the street echoes with "La-li-e-tee!" - Now God shield the Captain! for sure it is he. - - And he reacheth the door, and he knocketh thereat, - With a thundering rat-a-tat-tat-a-tat-tat! - And he giveth the bell such a furious ring - That the street rings again, with its cling-a-ling-ling! - - Oh Captain! bold Captain! now hie thee away! - For near draws that Bum, with his fearful fi: fa: - Hurrah! now he sees him as nearer he steals; - And away hies the Captain! with the Bum at his heels. - - Then, hurrying—scurrying—the Captain doth fly; - And following—hollowing—the Bum rusheth by. - Away! and away! thro' each square, and each street! - Though fleet runs the Captain, the Bum runs as fleet. - - On! on! my bold Captain, see, help is at hand; - For lo! in the distance, appears a cab stand. - Quick! he's _in_ one, and off, at a galloping pace; - Quick! The Bum's in another cab, giving him chase. - - Then, "haste thee, my Cabman!" the Captain did say; - "The Bailiff behind has for _me_ a fi: fa: - 'Tis in Middlesex though! so there's Gold, if you'll hurry; - Yes, Gold! if you drive me now safe into Surrey." - - And, "Haste thee, my Cabman!" the Bailiff did say, - "For the Captain before us I've got a fi: fa: - 'Tis in Middlesex though! so there's Gold, if you hurry - Yes, Gold! if I catch him before he's in Surrey." - - Then gee up! and gee on! they go tearing along, - Now jerking the reins—and now plying the thong; - And the horses they bound away over the ground: - And the mud flies about, as the wheels fly around. - - Bump! bump! over the stones—slosh! slosh! over the wood, - Whack! whack! goeth each whip—quick! quick! quicker who could? - And clattering—spattering—onward they go, - "Hark forward! hark forward! for Surrey halloo!" - - Right and left, flieth past every gaslight, how fast! - How fast! right and left, too, each street flieth past! - The shops, and the houses, like lightning, are gone, - As the horses keep galloping, galloping on. - - See yonder! see yonder's a small breakfast stall; - "Have a care! have a care!" or the Sáloupe must fall: - Round the corner, unheeding, the vehicles dash; - Crash! down come the coffee and cups with a smash. - - And still they go pacing—and racing—and chasing: - And the Bum still the steps of the Captain is tracing: - Away! and away! through each square, and each street! - Though fleet rides the Captain, the Bum rides as fleet. - - "On! on!" shouts the Captain: "On! on!" shouts the Bum; - "I promised thee Gold: come! I'll double the sum; - So, on! push along! my good trusty Jehu! - On! on! to the bridge that is called Waterloo." - - Now, galloping fast, by St. Giles's they've past; - The Captain still first, and the Bailiff still last. - Now, through High Street they pace—now, down Cross Street they race: - With the Captain ahead, and the Bum giving chase. - - Then Long Acre's clear'd—and then Bow Street is near'd— - Then the Theatre Royal Covent Garden appear'd— - And then quickly in view came the Lyceum too— - Hurrah! now they're close to the bridge Waterloo. - - So, gee up! and gee on! they go tearing along; - Now jerking the reins—and now plying the thong; - And the horses they bound away over the ground; - And the mud flies about, as the wheels fly around. - - Bump! bump! over the stones—slosh! slosh! over the wood; - Whack! whack! goeth each whip—quick! quick! quicker who could? - And clattering—spattering—onward they go: - "Hark forward! hark forward! for Surrey halloo!" - - Now there's no time to wait; and see! merciless fate! - At the bridge a curst wagon doth block up the gate. - 'Tis ruin to stay!—but one moment's delay, - And the Captain he falls to the Bailiff a prey. - - But quickly the wight from the cab doth alight, - Pays the toll, and on foot then continues his flight; - Still ripe for the race, the Bum bounds from his place, - Clears the gate, and on foot too continues the chase. - - Then huzzā! and huzzā! they go tearing away, - Now out in the road—now upon the pavé: - And, racing—and chasing—still onward they go; - "Hark forward! hark forward! for Surrey halloo!" - - Now the goal draweth nigh—now the toll is hard by; - And now, how they scamper!—and now, how they fly! - And now, how they hurry!—and now, how they scurry! - And, hip! hip! hurrah! now the Captain's in Surrey. - - Then the Captain turned round to the Limb of the Law; - And he chaff'd, and he laugh'd at his craft, Haugh! haugh! haugh! - And says he, "To catch me, sure the Bum must be cunning - For the constable I have a knack of outrunning." - - That the Sheriffs in one county cannot arrest - The "bodies" that bide in another's confest; - So that Bailiff no longer that Captain can worry, - For the Bum is in Middlesex—the body's in Surrey. - -[Illustration: - - WHERE CAN THE POLICE BE? -] - -[Illustration: - - THE BLUEBOTTLE THAT DESTROYS ALL THE COLD MEAT. -] - -[Illustration: - - Two things equally difficult to be met with. -] - - - CURIOUS EXHIBITION. - NEVER SEEN IN THIS COUNTRY. - -The Proprietors of the EGYPTIAN HALL are happy to state that they have -made arrangements with the authorities of Scotland Yard, and, after -considerable difficulty, procured the services of - -[Illustration: - - The Kitchen Cupid. -] - -[Illustration: - - The Modern Macheath; or, how happy could I be with either? -] - - THE INVISIBLE POLICEMAN. - - A NATURAL CURIOSITY, - - TO WHOM THOUSANDS HAVE ALREADY - PAID, AND - - NOBODY HAS EVER YET SEEN. - - THIS RETIRING INDIVIDUAL - WILL, STRANGE TO SAY, - - ANSWER CIVILLY ANY QUESTION THAT - MAY BE PUT TO HIM; - - HE WILL - - TELL ANY PERSONS WHAT THEY HAD FOR DINNER THE DAY BEFORE; - - HE WILL - - NAME THE COLD MEAT DAYS IN EACH FAMILY; - - AND - - STATE THE COLOUR OF THE HAIR AND EYES - OF THE FEMALE SERVANTS IN EVERY - ESTABLISHMENT; - - LIKEWISE - - WHETHER THE MAIDS FIND THEIR - OWN TEA AND SUGAR; - - Indeed, it will be found that this Wonderful Creature - - POSSESSES A KNOWLEDGE - EXTENDING OVER THE WHOLE AREA OF THE - METROPOLIS. - - "'Tis not a wonder: - 'Tis Nature."—TIMES. - -[Illustration: - - THE COOK AND HER FAITHFUL ATTENDANT. -] - - - "SAY YOU DID IT!" - A ROMANCE OF SMILES AND TITTERS. - TITTER THE FIRST. - -That ordinary-looking middle-aged gentleman, who is just emerging from -that Jeweller's shop, is Signor Goffoni. He has been there to purchase a -pair of earrings for his pretty young wife, with which he purposes to -bribe her into good-humour with him again. For, to say the truth, the -happy couple have lately been living on the usual matrimonial terms -which follow the union of Signoras, who are scarcely out of their teens, -with Signors, who are half way through their 'tys. And this morning the -conjugal breezes had swollen into a perfect hymeneal hurricane. It had -blown divorces and separate maintenances. The Signora had gone into the -customary hysterics, and the Signor had left the house with that violent -bang of the street-door which is the especial property of enraged -husbands. And "the cause—the cause" was precisely the same as made Mr. -Othello determine to put an extinguisher upon his better-half, instead -of his night-lamp. The green-eyed monster had kittened his horrid -suspicions in Signor Goffoni's bosom, and had lapped up all the milk of -human kindness in the dairy of his heart. He had accidentally discovered -a _billet_—something more than a _doux_—addressed to his black-eyed -young wife, from a gentleman calling himself the Marchese di -Castellinaria, and which expressed a regard for her that—tested by the -very delicate thermometer of the Signor's jealousy—did appear to him not -quite so tepid as mere friendship would dictate. And he had not scrupled -to say as much to the black eyes he had taken for better or for worse. -Whereupon the said ebon optics had looked scissors, though they'd used -none—had vowed eternal separation—_usque ad mensam et torum_—and wound -up with those effective convulsions of which married ladies generally -keep a plentiful supply, ready for use. Jealousy, however, had -galvanized the iron of the Signor's heart, and made it no longer -susceptible of being acted upon by the salt water of his wife's eyes; -so, as we said before, he bounced out of the house with a bang like a -human cracker. - -Long before evening, however, Goffoni had relented; he felt convinced -that he had wronged his dear little wife by his unjust suspicions, and -arrived at the sage conclusion that he was a brute and she was an angel; -so that an hour before his usual time for quitting business he hurried -off to the nearest Jeweller's to buy her a pair of earrings, determined -to hasten home and shed over her the diamond drops of repentance. But on -arriving at his domicile, he found the dark-eyed young partner of his -bosom absent from home. Could his unkind treatment have driven her from -his roof? The very thought was stilettoes. He rang furiously and -inquired of the servant concerning her mistress. She had quitted the -house about half an hour ago, leaving directions that the letter which -the maid then presented should be delivered to the Signor immediately on -his return. He seized it. It was unaddressed, and ran as follows:— - - "After your insulting conduct I can no longer consent to the - continuance of our acquaintance. I must beg, therefore, that - henceforth we be as Strangers; and that you will never again dare to - offend me with the protestation of your regard, which it is utterly - impossible for me further to acknowledge. - - "CARLOTTA." - -"Gone! gone!" groaned Goffoni; and he sunk overwhelmed upon the sofa, -and buried his face in his hands. Presently he started up again—buttoned -his coat vehemently—knocked his hat on his head—and dashed from the -house with a wild look of despair and prussic acid. - -That miserable-looking middle-aged gentleman, seated on that stone in -the heart of that wood, is Signor Goffoni. And that small phial, which -he takes from his waistcoat-pocket, is labelled "LAUDANUM!" He has -sought out this secluded spot, and purchased this poisonous potion, to -put a premature "finis" to his wretched biography. For "what is the -world now to him?" he says—"a wilderness—a desert. He has lost the angel -who made it a paradise; and as he always felt convinced that there was -not another woman like her upon earth, why should he go dawdling on -alone to the grave? No! he is resolved! Bereft of his Carlotta, he cares -not to live, and fears not to die. She has bidden adieu to him, so he -will bid adieu to the world." - -With this brief oration the woe-begone Goffoni drew the stopper from the -phial, and swallowed its contents. - -No sooner had he drunk off the deadly draught than a Signor, habited in -a capacious cloak, started up from behind the stone on which Goffoni was -seated, and inquired whether he would save the life of a -fellow-creature? - -"I save the life of a fellow-creature!" gasped Goffoni, dropping the -empty phial with amazement from his hand; "I am a dying man myself!" - -"Yes! I know that," replied the Signor in the cloak, "and that is the -cause of my making the request. The fact is, the other gentleman, whose -life is in danger, is not quite so tired of his existence as you seem to -be of yours. And since you are determined on going out of the world, you -may as well leave it with the grace of a good action, and let your death -be the salvation of his life." - -Goffoni, who was now ready to clutch at any straw that appeared likely -to save him from sinking in the next world, simply asked, "How that -could be?" - -"Oh, never mind about that," returned he in the cloak; "only you consent -to do it, and I'll soon tell you how. Come! what do you say? Recollect -'charity covers a multitude of sins,' and you've got a pretty good lot -here to answer for, certainly." - -Goffoni felt that he had, and being anxious now to obtain absolution by -any means, he, not very reluctantly, promised to do what the stranger -desired. - -Whereupon the Signor in the cloak informed Goffoni that, finding himself -rather short of cash, he had requested the loan of some gold from a -drover whom he had met that evening in the forest; but that the drover -had not only in the most un-gentleman-like manner refused to accommodate -him, but had even been base enough to doubt the honesty of his -intentions. That this had so exasperated him in the cloak that he had -knocked the scoundrel down, and borrowed of him all the money he -possessed. That the cries of the drover had brought the soldiers to his -assistance, when the Signor in the cloak was obliged to run for his -life; but that in his flight he had dropped his hat on the road. That he -had only just succeeded in avoiding his pursuers by secreting himself -behind that stone, when Signor Goffoni had come up and seated himself -upon it. "However," added he, "the soldiers can't be far off; and when -they find I've given them the slip they will be certain to return, for I -know them of old. So that, you see, what I want of you now, my friend, -is, should the rogues come this way again, and question you about that -nonsensical piece of business, that you'll just have the kindness—since -it can't make any difference to you in your present situation—to say you -did it." - -Goffoni, when he heard what was required of him, hardly liked the office -he had undertaken to perform. But as it certainly could not make any -difference to him in his present situation, and as he had given his -promise, he told the gentleman in the cloak he would be as good as his -word and say he did it. The stranger thanked Goffoni heartily, called -him his preserver, and many other equally complimentary names, and was -about hurrying off, when a sudden thought detained him, "Stay!" he -exclaimed, "this cloak will make your confession all the more veritable, -while the possession of the identical purse I took from that rascally -drover will put the affair beyond the shadow of a suspicion." And so -saying, he threw the one hastily over the back of Goffoni, and, having -divested the other of its contents, slipped the empty leathern bag into -the breeches-pocket of that poor gentleman, who, by this time, lay -writhing on his stomach, under the painful effects of the deadly draught -he had swallowed. - -"And now once more, Addio!" exclaimed the stranger, putting on the hat -of Signor G. as a substitute for the one he had dropped on the road; -"and mind!" he added, "I rely upon you to—say you did it!" - - [SECOND TITTER, _page 147_.] - -[Illustration: - - BLIND BOY'S BUFF AT THE LADIES' SCHOOL. -] - -[Illustration: - - Bringing her up in the way she should go. -] - -[Illustration: - - The Heart Breaker. -] - -[Illustration: - - Getting her French by Heart. -] - - - A LETTER FROM "LA NATIVE DE PARIS," AT MISS THIMBLEBEE'S ESTABLISHMENT - FOR YOUNG LADIES, TO HER MOTHER IN YORKSHIRE. - - "Belle Vue House, Blackheath, Judy Swore. - - "MA SHARE MARE,—I take up my _plume_ to inform you that this leaves - me in a state of perfect convalescence, or as we say in French, _sar - var beang havoc more_, as I hope it does _havoc twore_. I pass very - well now for _un Nattif de Parry_. I have combed back my front hair, - _à la Shinwars_; so that I have _tutor fay le hair Fransay_. And, - yet _oh! ma share Mare, say treest!—set hawreeble_, to be compelled - to deny the land of one's birth, and all _poor le daygootang argong - de set mizzyrarble V_! What, after all, too, is 20_l._ a-year _poor - une Damn kom more_? A paltry pittance!—_vollar_ 2. _Apprepo_, I must - tell you of an awkward _wrongconter_ which happened last _Macready - Mattang_, to Miss Thimblebee and _lay Demmozel_. As we were - promenaying on the Heath we came across _dew June Offishya de - Woolwich_. They were dreadfully impudent and frightfully handsome— - Oh, _ma Mare! Kell bell Ome! Kell jolly Moostarch! Kell bows U!_ I - think if you were to send me the Pork Pies you talked of I could - keep them in my _Sharmbrer a Kooshay_, and eat them when I went to - bed, _dong mong Lee_—as we have no pastry here but rice puddings— - _Say malle-roeze!—Ness Pa?_ - - "And now, _Addèw, ma tray share Mare!_ I have to put the Parlour - Boarders _cheraux ong pappya_. So _Pa plooze a presong_ from _Vòtrer - Ammeroose Feel_, - - "CRINOLINE DE CORSET, _nay_ SARAH SKEGGS." - -[Illustration: - - THE BEST WAY OF ADVERTISING A LADIES' SCHOOL. -] - -[Illustration: - - THE SCHOLASTIC HEN AND HER CHICKENS. - - Miss Thimblebee loquitur.—"_Turn your heads the other way my dears, - for here are two horridly handsome Officers coming._" -] - - - "SAY YOU DID IT!" - A ROMANCE OF SMILES AND TITTERS. - TITTER THE SECOND. - -The sound of the stranger's retiring footsteps had scarcely died upon -the ear, when, as he had predicted, the soldiers came up, led by the -drover, of whom the late proprietor of the Mantello had spoken. - -"I tell you it's hereabouts I missed him," said the owner of the lost -purse. "And ecco!" he exclaimed, as his eyes fell on the prostrate -figure of Goffoni, enveloped in the cloak, "by all the Saints! here lies -the rascal, shamming asleep, too, as I live!" - -The sleep, however, was no make-believe on the part of poor Goffoni, -who, under the growing influence of the opiate, was rapidly sinking into -the joint embraces of Messrs. Morpheus and Mors, and had just commenced -nodding off—to Death. - -"Come, get up here!" shouted one of the soldiers, giving Goffoni a kick -that even in his drowsy state had the effect of making him open his -eyes. "Get up, I say! We want you about a little bit of highway robbery -that you've been having a finger in this evening—do you hear?" And the -military querist punctuated the ribs of the wretched Signor with a heavy -note of interrogation from his regulation boot. - -"Yes, I hear!" replied the agonized Goffoni; "I know! a highway robbery! -I did it! I did it!" - -"Mark that, gentlemen!" said the drover to the soldiers. "The fellow -confesses he did it; mark that!" - -"Oh, you did it, did you?" said the soldier. "Come, then, you must go -with us. So quick! stir yourself, I say." And again the regulation-boot -hammered away at the sides of the unfortunate Goffoni. - -"Do let me die here, _do_!" implored the moribund Signor G. - -"Die here!" returned the man of war. "No, no! you'll have to die in a -rather more public place than this, I'm thinking. But come! we're not -going to be played the fool with in this manner. Get up, I tell you once -more!" So saying, the soldier took the prostrate Signor by the collar -and set him on his legs. - -"Oh! why _wont_ you let me be quiet?" groaned Goffoni; "I've taken -poison—indeed I have!" - -"Taken poison!" the soldier exclaimed, with a sneer; "taken a purse, you -mean, and it will prove just as fatal to you, I'll be sworn. However, -we're not to be gulled by any such flams, don't think it. So let's see -what you've got in your pockets. Oh! a pair of diamond earrings, eh? -Very pretty indeed! the produce of some other robbery, no doubt! A gold -watch, and ditto snuff-box! Equally honestly come by, I'll wager. A good -stroke of business you've been doing this evening, my man! And here's a -silk purse, with lots of money in it; and here's a leathern one without -a soldo." - -"The leathern one's mine!" cried the drover; "but it was full when the -scoundrel took it from me." - -"Of course it was! and the rogue's emptied the contents of the one into -the other. But that don't matter—the mere finding of the purse upon him -is quite enough to take the breath out of his body. So, come! give over -this shamming," continued the soldier, violently shaking the drowsy -Signor, who was again nodding under the somnorific effects of the -laudanum. "We're too old birds to be caught by such chaff as this, I can -tell you. So on to prison with you—get on." - -Whereupon two of the soldiers placed themselves, one on either side of -the ill-fated Goffoni, and commenced dragging him by the collar to the -Casa di Correzione, while the two others attended him in the rear, and -by the aid of their bayonets, applied to that part of his person where a -gentleman's honour is supposed to reside, kept continually dissipating -the incipient slumbers of the somnolent Signor, and goading him like an -untractable donkey on to the nearest house of entertainment for brigands -and patriots. - - * * * * * - -The bayonets of the soldiers were so efficacious in counteracting the -somniferous tendency of the opiate which Signor Goffoni had swallowed, -that by the time he had reached the gates of the Casa di Correzione, a -distance of at least five miles from the scene of his capture, the -exercise had done him so much good that it had "worked off" all his -drowsiness, and he was, the morning after, in the most miserable state -of perfect convalescence. - -Goffoni instantly began protesting his innocence; but the incredulous -jailor assured him it was to no purpose, and that he might look upon -himself as a dead man; for that his own confession, let alone the -circumstantial evidence, was quite enough to settle his business. - -The wretched Signor called himself a fool, an idiot, a jackass, a -nincompoop, and a volume of other titles equally complimentary to his -intellect, for ever having consented to take another man's crime upon -himself—as he pledged his honour to the jailor he had done in the -present instance. - -The jailor, however, was a man of too great experience to place much -faith in the honour of gentlemen charged with highway robbery. And so to -the Signor's asseveration, he replied with a knowing wink—"Gammon! Well, -I've heard many lame defences in my time, but, hang me! if that isn't -the most rickety concern I ever listened to. I should like to know the -judge," he continued, "that you think would swallow such indigestible -stuff as that. For everyone is aware that gentlemen in your line of -business an't quite such born donkeys as to take other men's sins upon -their shoulders, when they've always got a pretty tidy load of their -own. So if you follow my advice, my man," considerately added the -jailor, "you'll plead guilty like a Christian, and then, perhaps, you -may be lucky enough to get off with the galleys for life." - -Goffoni, however, finding his declarations of innocence made no -impression upon the officers of justice, determined at length upon -seeking the advice and consolation of some counsel learned in the -chicanery of the law. But the Gentleman in Black afforded him little -comfort; for though he himself, he said, had no doubt of the truth of -the Signor's strange statement, still, he thought that Goffoni would -find it extremely difficult to make a court of justice believe that -human stupidity could go to such lengths. And he was afraid that his -unfortunate client must make up his mind to the worst; for that, of -late, the robberies in the neighbourhood had so much increased that the -authorities had resolved to make an example of the very next culprit. - -Whereupon Goffoni again declared that he was a fool, an idiot, &c., for -ever having consented to stand as godfather to a foot-pad, and take the -transgressions of a gentleman with a passion for highway robbery, upon -himself. And he tore his toupée and he thumped his cranium, as though he -were trying to cudgel his brains for allowing him to—say he did it. - - [THIRD TITTER, _page 150_.] - -[Illustration: - - THE DESECRATION OF THE BRIGHT POKER. -] - -[Illustration: - - BRITANNIA DISTRIBUTING THE BRIGHT POKER OF CIVILIZATION TO THE - SAVAGES. -] - -[Illustration: - - The Bright Stove; or the Modern Englishman's Fireside. -] - - - REPORT OF THE SOCIETY - FOR THE PROPAGATION OF CIVILIZATION, - AND THE HANDBOOK OF ETIQUETTE - ALL OVER THE WORLD. - -The Distingué Committee of this Society, which has for its noble object -the elevation of the poor degraded Savage, and the dissemination of -horse-hair petticoats and finger-glasses among all the dark members of -the human family, have published their Report. - -The Report states the Committee have distributed to their coloured -relations their sister Agogos's celebrated "Code of Good Manners;" as -well as the instructive little tract "How to Live well upon a Hundred -a-year;" which have effected a great moral change. And the Committee are -now engaged in preparing the "Savage's own Edition" of "The Guide to the -Toilet," and have made arrangements with a philanthropic Parisian -Milliner for the weekly publication of a "Courier des Dames Noires" in -the wilds of Africa and America. - -[Illustration: - - A Case of Real Distress. -] - -In Domestic Economy they have succeeded in introducing the Bright Poker -to the hearths of the benighted savages, and so impressing them with the -noble truth that there are Pokers for use and Pokers for ornament. They -have not, however, as yet, been able to confer upon them the enjoyment -of the Silver Fork; but still they have accustomed them to the use of -that article in Britannia Metal, which having, as a moral writer justly -observes, quite the appearance of Silver, lends to the dinner-table all -the show of plate. - -In the article of Food the poor things have much improved. They have now -given over eating their meat raw, while some families had advanced in -Civilization so far as to have fed Turkies before the Fire, until they -died from enlargement of the Liver, so that they might be able to -partake of the luxury of the "Paté de Foie Gras." - -[Illustration: - - THE WIVES OF ENGLAND SWEARING TO PROTECT UNSULLIED THE BRIGHT POKER. -] - - - "SAY YOU DID IT!" - A ROMANCE OF SMILES AND TITTERS. - TITTER THE THIRD. - -Goffoni, however, though he hardly relished the idea of bidding adieu to -the world, and a generous Italian public, on the boards of a scaffold— -and which he now felt there was something stronger than a mere -probability of his doing—at length began to contemplate his lot with all -the melodramatic magnanimity of injured innocence. And though he had but -little of the martyr in his constitution, yet as Fate had cast him the -part, he was determined to fudge up as much stoical sternness as his -nature would allow him to throw into the character. Besides, deserted by -his Carlotta, he had still no great desire to continue a solitary unit -on the slate of creation; so that, to use his own expression, it -mattered not when he was sponged out. "What was the world to him?" again -he asked himself, and again he gave himself precisely the same answer, -videlicet,—"a wilderness, a desert!" Existence, he said, he viewed as a -piece of burnt rag, with but a few bright specks flitting across its -dark surface; and he cared not how soon "the parson and the clerk" -appeared to announce the departure of his vital spark. - -But Goffoni had no sooner made up his mind to play the unmitigated hero -to the last, than the presence of her whose absence had given him such -supernatural fortitude thawed all the artificial ice of his stoicism, -and made the hero melt into the man. - -Yes! the dark-eyed young partner of his bosom and four-poster—she whom -he believed had left him for ever for the Marchese di Castellinaria, had -come to console him in his affliction! and Goffoni, though he could have -been a Regulus without his Carlotta, felt, when he saw her, all his -magnanimity ooze out of his eyes. - -"Oh! Bartolo! Bartolo!" sobbed the Signora, "if I hadn't seen it in all -the papers I should never have dreamt of finding you here. You can't -tell what I've suffered on your account!" - -"Oh! Carlotta! Carlotta!" groaned Goffoni: "and what have _I_ not -suffered on _your_ account? But for _you_, alas! I should not have been -here." - -"For me-e!" hysterically exclaimed Carlotta. "Oh! don't say so! How -could _I_ possibly have anything to do with it?" - -"Didn't you tell me," inquired the woe-begone Signor, "that you'd leave -me—_for ever_? You did! You know you did!" - -"Yes! but I'd done so a hundred times before," retorted Mrs. Goffoni; -"and I thought you knew women better than to believe such things." - -"Nor should I have been such a booby as to do so," remarked Mr. G., "if -you hadn't written me that horrid letter." - -"Letter!" cried Carlotta. "Oh! I see it all now! I do! That letter was -intended for the Marchese di Castellinaria, and you—you—wretched—stupid -man—you thought it was meant for yourself." - -"Intended for that cursed Marchese!" shouted Signor Goffoni. "Then why -the deuce did you leave the house, and tell the maid to give it to me?" - -"Oh! I thought it would make you so happy and comfortable!" exclaimed -his miserable little wife. "I thought it would please you so on your -return home to find how I'd answered the fellow's impertinent note." - -"Then! oh dear! oh dear!" replied Goffoni; "why _couldn't_ you have -shown it to me yourself?" - -"Why, because you were so cruel, and so put out about that note in the -morning, that I didn't like to see you again until I had made you -acquainted with what I had done. So I left the copy for you to read, -while I went out to post the original." - -Goffoni now saw through the mistake as clearly as his better half; and -again he railed at the limited extent of his intellectual faculties, -applying to himself the same complimentary terms as he had previously -used. And then he kissed his Carlotta, and called her his own blessed -angel of a wife, and himself her own cursed fool of a husband; and gave -vent to his feelings—which were now a kind of a piebald of grief and -joy—in a manner that makes a bankrupt of description, and forces history -to take the benefit of the insolvent act. For he plainly perceived that, -without any real cause, he had taken poison and a highway robbery upon -himself; and that he would be forced to separate from his Carlotta at a -time when he had no desire to leave her, and by a species of divorce for -which he had now lost all relish. - -The sorry Signor then recited to his wondering little wife the tale -which we have before told the reader (only not quite so cleverly as -ourselves); and on showing her the cloak that he had received from the -stranger, his distress of mind was in no way relieved by hearing his -Carlotta—who could swear to the clasp and collar—peremptorily pronounce -it to be the property of the very Marchese from whom he dated all his -troubles. So that he now saw, in addition to his miseries, not only that -he had saved the life of him who was the primary cause of all his -jealousy, but that he was about to die outright for the crimes of the -very man whose peccadilloes had nearly put an end to his existence by -poison before. - -Yes! facetious reader, it was even so! The Signora's gallant Marchese -was none other than the Signor's ungallant stranger, a gentleman better -known in the romance of highway robbery as VIRTUOSO, the brigand! and -who, in the glowing language of one of the many instructive novels, of -which he afterwards became the hero, "was no vulgar Freebooter." No! his -was a spirit too proud to beg, too chivalrous to work, and too generous -to trade. If he took from the rich he freely gave to the poor; and if, -in the pursuance of his romantic vocation, he was compelled, in -self-defence, to sacrifice the life of some obstinate victim, he ever -after endeavoured to remove the stain of the blood from his soul by the -scouring drops of contrition. Nor was his love of the poor greater than -his love of—WOMAN! To her his lustrous eye and soft guitar-like voice, -coupled with the perils of his adventurous life, had ever a magical -charm. He was not merely the Freebooter of Lucre, but—the Brigand of the -Heart! And if his passion was of too fickle and roving a nature, at -least in extenuation it may be pleaded that he never parted from the -object of his love without first abstracting from her some article of -jewellery or plate, by which to treasure up her remembrance. - -However, to return to poor Goffoni. The day of his trial at length -arrived. On being placed in the dock it seemed to him as if he were -standing on the doorstep of Eternity; for reflection and everybody had -conspired to assure him of the utter hopelessness of his case. And when, -to his infinite horror, he heard the drover, without the least -hesitation, swear that he, the Signor, was the man who had taken his -purse, Goffoni felt as though his shoulders had already served his head -with notice to quit. The judge, however, finding that the case turned on -a point of disputed identity, ordered the prisoner to put on the hat -which had been dropped on the road. Goffoni did so, and was suffused -with a cold perspiration on finding that it fitted him to a hair. He was -then directed to endorse his body with the cloak, which, alas! also -suited the poor devil as though it had been made to measure. The drover -looked at him for a second, and then swore with even greater certainty -than before that he was the identical person who had robbed him. Goffoni -now saw that the sands of his last moments were fast running through the -egg-boiler of his existence, when—as the gentlemen of the Italian press -afterwards expressed it—"a stranger, dressed in the first style of -fashion, rose from the body of the court, and requested to be permitted -to put on the articles in which the prisoner had just appeared." Having -obtained the sanction of the judge, he attired himself in the cloak and -hat, and demanded of the drover, on his oath, whether he, the stranger, -was not the party who had taken his purse? The drover eyed the stranger -from top to toe, and then, after a little deliberation, swore even still -more emphatically that he was. Whereupon the stranger pointed out to the -judge that since the drover had sworn with equal certainty to two -different parties as the culprit, it was clear that he might be mistaken -in both. - -A word to the wise is sufficient. So, reader, if your skull be not as -thick as a bombshell, it is hardly necessary for us to tell you that -Goffoni was acquitted—that it was Virtuoso, the brigand, who procured -his acquittal; and that the Moral of all this is (for we must be "moral -to the last"), never take the good or bad action of another to yourself, -nor be shabby or silly enough to—"SAY YOU DID IT." - -[Illustration: - - ELEGANT EXTRACTS FROM THE LAST NEW BURLESQUE. -] - -[Illustration: - - Billingsgate in the ascendant. -] - -[Illustration: - - Burlesque standing on its merits. -] - - - A BATTLE WITH BILLINGSGATE. - SUGGESTED BY THAT OF BLENHEIM. - - It was the Christmas Holidays, - And seated in the Pit, - A Father saw the new Burlesque, - That was so full of wit. - And by him sat—in Slang unskill'd— - His pretty little girl, Clotilde. - - She heard some "ladies" on the Stage - Say they would "cut their sticks!" - And one in male attire declare - That she'd "go it like bricks." - She ask'd her Father what were "bricks?" - And what they meant by "cut their sticks?" - - The Father heard the audience laugh, - As at some witty stroke; - And the old man he scratch'd his head, - For he couldn't see the joke. - "I don't know what they mean," said he, - "But sure 'tis some facetiæ." - - And then she heard one, nearly nude, - Say something else about - "Has your fond mother sold her mangle? - And does she know you're out?" - And when the people laughed, cried she, - "Oh, Pa! there's more facetiæ!" - - And then the little maiden said, - "Now, tell me why, Papa, - That lady ask'd him if the mangle - Was sold by his Mamma?" - "I can't tell why, my dear," said he, - "Though, of course, 'tis some facetiæ." - - But when she saw the lady's fingers - Unto her nose applied, - "Why, 'tis a very vulgar thing!" - The little maiden cried. - "The papers all, my child, agree, - 'Tis brimful of facetiæ! - - "And everybody says the Piece - With brilliant wit is fill'd;" - "And what is wit, my dear Papa?" - Quoth innocent Clotilde. - "Why, that I cannot say," quoth he, - "But wit is _not_—vulgarity." - -[Illustration: - - THE STAG, THE BULL, AND THE BEAR. - (A Railway Fable.) -] - - - THE STAG, THE BULL, AND THE BEAR. - A RAILWAY FABLE. - - A Stag there was—as I've heard tell, - Who in an attic us'd to dwell, - Or rather—to use a fitter phrase— - Who in an attic us'd to graze; - And being blest, like many I know, - With little Conscience, and less Rhino, - Took to that frailest of all frail ways, - And wrote for shares in all the Railways; - Applied, without the least compunction, - For Seventy five in each new "Junction," - And gen'rally—the more's the pity— - Got thirty shares from each Committee, - Whereof though it for sale was _not_ meant, - He sold the Letter of Allotment. - But this he did, forsooth, because it - Said something rude about Deposit. - Now he'd applied, and—what was better— - This Stag had just receiv'd a letter, - Allotting him some shares, then far - Above the Railway Zero—"par." - "How kind of them," says he, "to gi'e me 'em, - Since they're at such a whacking premium! - 'Tis to my soul 'a flatt'ring unction,' - Oh! Good ST. JAMES' and ST. GILES' JUNCTION." - And then the Stag went cap'ring down, - Like many another "buck on town," - To where "the common herd" resort, - The stony field hight Capel Court, - And where the half-starved _hinds_ are seen, - Trying _to nibble all the "Green."_ - But soon to this fam'd cervine quarter - There came a Bull intent on slaughter, - And finding that the Stag I tell of - Had got some shares which were thought well of, - The Bull began to run them down, - And swore they weren't worth half-a-crown; - He call'd it all the worst of names, - This Junction of St. Giles and James; - And thus—these Bulls have so much art with 'em— - At last he got the Stag to part with 'em. - For 'tis with these same Bulls on 'Change - As 'tis with those that meadows range; - To both alike this rule applies, - _What they run after's sure to rise_. - Then, wand'ring from his gloomy lair, - In Copthall Court, there came a Bear; - One of that curs'd unfriendly race - Who crush whatever they embrace; - Whose grip is such, whate'er they maul - _Is generally sure to fall_. - And, when he heard the Stag declare - He'd parted with his ev'ry share, - He vow'd the Bull had sorely treated him, - Nay—more he'd say—the Bull had cheated him. - It was the noblest of all schemes, - This Junction of St. Giles and _Jeames_! - However, as he hated knavery, - To do him an especial favour, he - Would let the Stag have thirty more, - At what he sold the others for; - The Stag of gratitude discourséd, - And took 'em on the terms aforesaid. - Now all this kindness of the Bear - Was nothing but a "_ruse-de-guerre_;" - For no one knew so well as Bruin - To hold the Shares was perfect ruin; - The whole affair was but a swindle, - And down to discount soon would dwindle. - And, truth to say, the Bear was right, - The Panic came, like Lillywhite, - That terror of the Lords, and bowl'd out - Ev'ry man Jack who hadn't sold out; - So that there was on "settling day," - The Devil and the Bear to pay. - "But," says the Stag, "that cunning buffer, - The Bull, will be the chap to suffer; - So in a cab to him I'll dash up, - And get my taurine friend to cash up." - But when he gets to Mr. Taurus's, - Pasted upon the outer door, he sees - A card with these words written over, - "GONE TO BOULOGNE _viâ_ DOVER." - Now as the Bull had run away, - Unable for the shares to pay, - 'Twas clear, as he'd no cash to spare, - The Stag then couldn't pay the Bear; - So when the Bear went for his due, - The Stag had gone to Boulogne too. - And, since the Stag had cut and run, - 'Twas plain the Bear could pay no one; - So those to whom he money ow'd, - When they sought out the brute's abode, - Found that the Bear, or him they call so, - Had cut and run to Boulogne also. - - MORAL. - - Pursue the paths of Virtue, and such stale ways, - And don't never have nothing to do with none of those bothering - Railways. - -[Illustration: - - JOHN BULL AMONG THE LILLIPUTIANS. -] - -[Illustration: - - THE MODERN GULL IVER. -] - - - MEETING OF THE DWARFS. - -A meeting of the real bipeds, or little human beings who run about upon -two feet, was held at the Lilliputian Warehouse, in New Street, Covent -Garden, to move an address of thanks to Her Majesty, for her liberal -patronage of the least of the Rational Animals. - -General TOM THUMB, L.S.D., was unanimously voted to the Child's Chair, -and the business of the Meeting having been opened by the Small Germans. - -[Illustration: - - The Substance and the Shadow. -] - -The GENERAL rose—a few inches—to address his brother Homuncules. He said -they had met to offer up an act of gratitude from the Shortest men to -the Highest Personage in the Realm—to her who had refused to patronize -everything great, and had stooped to take _them_ by the hand—to her who -had originally given them that lift, which had caused them—short as they -were—to be looked up to by—LOVELY WOMAN. And he would be happy to favour -the company with "God Save the Queen," gratis. - -The ENGLISH TOM THUMB here rose to rebut the General's assertions, and -was proceeding to complain of the want of patronage offered to native -insignificance, when he was carried out. - -The HIGHLAND DWARFS, in a Scotch accent as broad as their size would -admit, said, "a' the Gen'ral had drapt was unco' true." When they left -the Land o' Cakes they could hardly raise a Bawbee among them, and now -they could put down 1000_l._ any day. - -The BOSHIE MEN, or PIGMY RACE, through their interpreter, stated, they -were happy to find that, though the Dwarfs had come over to England -little by little, they now formed so large a body. - -DON FRANCISCO HIDALGO said, "Dat as el smallest man in el vorld, he -objec to el proceed; for he never meet vith el couragement el dam Dom -Dum speak of." - -The little Men here got to very high words, and the meeting broke up in -confusion. - -[Illustration: - - NAPOLEON'S ADIEU D'EGYPTIAN HALL. -] - - - PHLARUPPE! - AN OSSIANIC POEM. - - - DUAN THE FIRST. - - _Argument._ - - _This poem is addressed to the Maid of "the_ RAINBOW" (_in Fleet - Street_), _where_ OSSIAN _is enjoying his Whisky and Cigar. The_ - PHLARUPPE _here spoken of is the same as the AQUÆVADIUS mentioned - so frequently in Police History, and who in the year '40 headed an - expedition against the Knockers of_ COCKAIGNE, _and was repulsed - by "the force" under the command of_ ROWAN, _the chief of Scotland - (Yard), though not until_ PHLARUPPE _had routed several of his - "Divisions." Tradition assigns the date of this event to the year - '42, but on searching the pages of the historian_ HODDER, _we find - no mention made of the circumstance in his valuable work - entitled_, "SKETCHES OF LIFE AND CHARACTER TAKEN AT BOW STREET." - -Bring, daughter of the Rainbow! bring me the pen of steel! The -mountain-dew sparkles in Ossian's brain, and it is brilliant with song. -As is the black reviver to the garment whose seams are white with age, -so is the cream of the valley to the seedy soul of the bard. It brings -back the freshness of youth. - -A tale of high life! The deeds of the superior classes! - -The draught of the waters of Kinahan wakens the memory of the past. The -odour of thy weeds, mild Lopez! is pleasant in Ossian's nose. Like the -brow of Ben-Primrose, his head is veiled in clouds. Listen, thou -daughter of the Rainbow! to the deeds of the superior classes. - -A tale of high life! - -Fair is thy Garden, O Covent! Green are its paths with the leaves of the -cabbage. There the cauliflower of Fulham rests its white head, and the -pine of Jamaica perfumes the breeze. The daughters of Erin are there -laden with Pippins of gold. Near are the halls of Evans. Music is heard -in them by night. The morning dawns in song. The voice of Llewellyn of -Wales gladdens the feast! and Sloman, the son of Israel, pours forth his -numbers, apt as the bard of Moses. Glad are the halls of Evans! It is -the abode of Joy! - -Wilt thou not listen, bright maid of the Rainbow! to the voice of -Ossian? My soul is bursting with song. The collars of my Corazza droop -like the ears of the Greyhound, and my eye in a fine frenzy rolls. Thus -the mighty Bunn appears when he dreams that he dwells in marble halls. -Dost thou not behold, bright maid! the head of a lion in Ossian's hand? -A ring of iron depends from its mouth, and its face wears a look of -rage. That head the noble Phlaruppe, Lord of Belgravia, tore away. -Phlaruppe tore it away by the strength of his arm. Listen, then, -daughter of the Rainbow! to the tale of high life! The deeds of the -superior classes! - -What sound is that kisses the ear? Across thy Garden, sweet Covent! it -comes dancing along the breeze. Can it be the song of the lark climbing -the sky? But the lark wakes not the night with his notes; and bright -burns the gas in the lamp of the Tavistock. 'Tis the voice of Von Joel, -the toothless, gladdening the halls of Evans. Of Evans, the son of -Thespis. - -The Thespian son sits in his hall of state. The feast is spread around. -The strong waters of Hodges and Betts sparkle on the board. A thousand -Havannahs perfume the air. A thousand glittering tankards foam with the -nectar of Barclay. There is the ripe fruit of Erin, and the rabbit of -Wales is there. - -Who comes from the Saloons of the West, with his warriors around him? He -smokes the Dodeen of peace. His face glows with the juice of the -Gooseberry. His cheeks are as red as the garments of the bearers of -letters on the festival of May? Who is it but the noble Phlaruppe, the -Lord of Belgravia? In his train is Sutton the Sambo; and Burke, the hard -of hearing, attends him. Mighty in battle are they. - -The Lord of Belgravia graces the board: the Bards hail his presence with -a song. He quaffs the brown stout of Dublin. The night reels away in -revelry. The morning peeps in at the casement; and Phlaruppe, the Lord -of Belgravia, is glorious with Guinness's. - -A tale of high life! The deeds of the superior classes! - - - DUAN THE SECOND. - -Grey grows the air with the Day's young light. With the carmine of -Morning the cheek of Heaven is rouged. The Camphine lamp of the Moon has -gone out; and turned off is the Gas of the Stars. Yawning the tired -Policeman crawls on his rounds. - -Hushed are the halls of Evans. - -Where art thou, Belgravia's Lord? Thou pride of the West, where art -thou? Lo! he comes; but his steps are unsteady with Beer. On the sinewy -arms of the dark-skinned Sutton, and Burke, surnamed the Deaf, he leans. -From them he bursts of a sudden, like the cork from the Waters of Soda. -The head of a lion on the gates of Gliddon, the chief of the Divan, -frowns on the valiant Phlaruppe. Dauntless as the brute-taming Van -Amburgh, he grapples with the iron beast. He sounds the "fake away" of -Belgravia. One potent wrench of his arm and the head of the forest king -hangs drooping from Phlaruppe's hand. Knockerless are the gates of -Gliddon! Of its lion the divan is bereft! - -The lynx-eyed C 16 beheld the wrong. His dander arose. He drew his staff -in vengeance. He seized the noble Phlaruppe. Sutton, the heavy-handed -son of Africa, raised his arm. His white teeth grinned defiance on the -blue son of Peel. Into the murky waters of the kennel he hurled the -pride of the yard of Scotland. His blood crimsoned the flags. Groaning -for help, he sprang the rattle of war. - -Like rockets at Vauxhall the azure force of Rowan rushed up. Their hands -grasped the staff of power. Phlaruppe heard the tramp of their -Wellingtons. He sounded the Lullalietee of battle. He gathered his -warriors around him. Firm as the cement of Pouloo they stood. As a -torrent from a shower-bath poured the stiff-necked sons of Peel upon the -foe. - -As the cats of Kilkenny they fight. Like the shop of the maker of trunks -rings the street with the blows. Stained is the earth with the claret of -life. - -Battle of the Garden of Covent, why should Ossian, like Robins, the -chief of Garraway's, pen the catalogue of thy wounds? Thou art with the -son of Kean, a calamity of the past. - -The force of the Yard of Scotland overcame! - -On the stretcher of Ignominy, Phlaruppe, the Lord of Belgravia, was -laid! - - - DUAN THE THIRD. - -In the cell of the Station, Phlaruppe hiccups out the Morn. The benches -of wood pillow his burning head. He sighs for a draught of the sparkling -Waters of Carrara, or a goblet of the bubbling Powders of Seidilitz. But -the ice of the Lake of Wenham is not more cold than the hearts of his -victors. In the cell of the Station, Phlaruppe hiccups out the Morn. - -On the throne of Justice the even-handed Twyford sits. Before him -Phlaruppe, Belgravia's hope, is dragged. He quails, for the voice of the -Judge is severe as Hicks the lusty-lunged Son of the Surrey. And lo! to -the terrors of Brixton's wheel an alms-seeking child of want he -condemns. What then shall be the doom of Phlaruppe? - -But Phlaruppe is the Lord of Belgravia. In his presence the heart of -Twyford, the even-handed, grows soft as the Asphalte of Claridge before -the Sun in the days of the Dogs. With the milk of human kindness the -veins of his bosom are filled. Pity touches his heart-strings; and his -tone with compassion is soft as the Piccolo of Jullien, the Emperor of -all the Polkas. - -But why, Maid of the Rainbow, should Ossian, like a penny-a-liner, -recite the fine that Phlaruppe paid to his Queen; or tell how the -generous Twyford, for a crown, forgave him who tore the Lion's head from -Gliddon's halls? - -A tale of high life! The deeds of the superior classes! - -[Illustration: - - The Carrara Water is found very efficacious in cases of Heart-burn. -] - -[Illustration: - - Oh! that dreadful British Brandy! -] - -[Illustration: - - It is strongly recommended in cases of foul tongue. -] - - - AN ANACREONTIC: - IN PRAISE OF CARRARA WATER. - - Come, let us quaff the Wine of Moet! - Come, let us sing like Moses' Poet! - To thee and to thy sparkling daughter, - Carrara's copper-cooling Water! - Maugham! come let us sing of thee, - St. Swithin of Sobriety! - Sweet, after drinking too much wine, - Kind Cockle! are those pills of thine: - Or when the bowl has drown'd the wits, - Sweet are thy Powders—Seidilitz! - Or seedy with the dew of Mountains, - The water's sweet from Soda's fountains. - Yes! sweet are these—but sweeter far are - Thy sparkling Waters—O Carrara! - And Maugham! thy fame doth far outstep - The fame of Cockle—fame of Schweppe. - - So when I burn with too much 'toddy,' - Carrara! thou shalt cool my body; - Yes! then I'll seek that Water's aid, - That's from Carrara marble made: - And as I drain it from the chalice, - I'll dream I drink some melted palace; - Or quaff some Venus in solution, - Of fam'd Canova's execution; - Or fancy, as the draught decreases, - I'm swallowing bottled chimney-pieces. - - Carrara! thy delicious fluid - To me's the loveliest liquor brewéd; - My throbbing brain grows calm and placid. - Whene'er I quaff thee—sweet Antacid! - Thine is the gift of being able - To cure "the excesses of the table," - And all the ills that thence attack us, - Thou brightest, healthiest child of Bacchus - For when I've drunk too much Glenlivat, - And my head is splitting with it, - Carrara! thou can'st ease my pain, - And fit my soul to drink again. - -[Illustration: - - "MY WIFE IS A WOMAN OF MIND." -] - - - THE WOMAN OF MIND. - - My wife is a woman of mind, - And Deville, who examined her bumps, - Vow'd that never were found in a woman - Such large intellectual lumps. - "Ideality" big as an egg, - With "Causality"—great—was combined; - He charg'd me ten shillings, and said, - "Sir, your wife is a woman of mind." - - She's too clever to care how she looks, - And will horrid blue spectacles wear, - Not because she supposes they give her - A fine intellectual air; - No! she pays no regard to appearance, - And combs all her front hair behind, - Not because she is proud of her forehead, - But because she's a woman of mind. - - She makes me a bushel of verses, - But never a pudding or tart, - If I hint I should like one, she vows - I'm an animal merely at heart; - Though I've notic'd she spurns not the pastry, - Whene'er at a friend's we have din'd, - And has always had two plates of pudding, - Such plates! for a woman of mind. - - Not a stitch does she do but a distich, - Mends her pen too instead of my clothes; - I haven't a shirt with a button, - Nor a stocking that's sound at the toes; - If I ask her to darn me a pair, - She replies she has work more refined: - Besides, to be seen darning stockings! - _Is_ it fit for a woman of mind? - - The children are squalling all day, - For they're left to the care of a maid; - My wife can't attend to "the units," - "The millions" are wanting her aid. - And it's vulgar to care for one's offspring— - The mere brute has a love of its kind— - But _she_ loves the whole human fam'ly, - For _she_ is a woman of mind. - - Every thing is an inch thick in dust, - And the servants do just as they please; - The ceilings are cover'd with cobwebs, - The beds are all swarming with fleas; - The windows have never been clean'd, - And as black as your hat is each blind; - But my wife's nobler things to attend to, - For she is a woman of mind. - - The Nurse steals the tea and the sugar, - The Cook sells the candles as grease, - And gives all the cold meat away - To her lover, who's in the Police. - When I hint that the housekeeping's heavy, - And hard is the money to find, - "Money's vile filthy dross!" she declares, - And unworthy a woman of mind. - - Whene'er she goes out to a dance, - She refuses to join in the measure, - For dancing she can't but regard - As an unintellectual pleasure: - So she gives herself up to enjoyments - Of a more philosophical kind, - And picks all the people to pieces, - Like a regular woman of mind. - - She speaks of her favourite authors - In terms far from pleasant to hear; - "Charles Dickens," she vows, "is a darling," - "And Bulwer," she says, "is a dear;" - "Douglas Jerrold," with her "is an angel," - And I'm an "illiterate hind," - Upon whom her fine intellect's wasted; - I'm not fit for a woman of mind. - - She goes not to Church on a Sunday, - Church is all very well in its way, - But she is too highly inform'd - Not to know all the parson can say; - It does well enough for the servants, - And was for poor people design'd; - But bless you! it's no good to her, - For _she_ is a woman of mind. - -[Illustration: - - Old Father St. Swithin, the Gentleman who presides over the Cat and - Dog Days. - - A Grand Gala at Vauxhall, under the Patronage of St. Swithin -] - - - THE CLOUD. - - (_Another Version of_ SHELLEY'S _partial view of the subject_.) - - I bring cats and dogs, and November fogs, - For the folks of Cockney land; - And I brew the flood of slush and mud - In Fleet Street and the Strand. - From my watery bed spring colds in the head, - And highly inflam'd sore-throats; - And I'm the Mama[7] of the bad Catarrh, - And the Mother of Waterproof Coats. - I gave birth to Goloshes and Macintoshes, - The clog, the cork sole, and the patten; - And I act as wet Nus to each Omnibus, - For 'tis on my moisture they fatten. - - I come down pretty thick at every Pic Nic, - And throw my cold water upon it; - And delight at each Fête that is called a Champêtre, - To spoil every new silk bonnet; - I'm more kind to each Jarvey than was Wittle Harvey, - When he was Commiss'oner of Stamps; - I'm the foe of Vauxhall's Grand Fancy Dress Balls, - Where I love to extinguish the Lamps; - And whenever a fellow leaves at home his Umbrella, - Oh Lord! how I chuckle and grin! - For then you may warrant I'll come down in a torrent, - And soak the poor wretch to the skin. - -Footnote 7: - - Be pleased to give this word the proper Cockney pronunciation—MamAR! - None others are genuine. - - - JUPITER AND THE MOTHER. - AN IDYLL. - -At the altar of Jupiter knelt a poor woman. She was about to become a -Mother, and thus she invoked the God:— - -"Oh Jupiter! King of the Heavens! and Ruler of the Earth! grant that the -dear burthen which I now bear may be a Stranger to the cares of Life! -Vouchsafe unto it such gifts that it may be the most admired of all thy -Children,—the richest—the happiest of Men. Oh Jupiter! King of the -Heavens! and Ruler of the Earth! hear me!" - -She spoke, and Mercury, the winged messenger of Jove, stood before her. - -"Mortal!" said he, "return with Joy to thy hearth! He who wieldeth the -sceptre of Fate hath heard thy petition; and the Child shall be as thou -hast asked." - -In time the Mother bore a Son. His form rivalled that of the boy-god -Cupid. And she rejoiced to think he was the blest of Jupiter. - -A year passed on, and the proud Mother saw the Infant bud blossom into -the Child. - -But the second year came and went, and the Boy increased not in Stature. - -The third year stole away, and still the little thing grew not. - -The fourth—the fifth—the sixth rolled by, and yet the Child remained in -figure as at the end of the first. - -Albeit the Mother murmured not, for she remembered the promise of him -who wieldeth the sceptre of Fate, and hoped in patience. - -But when twelve summers had gone, and the anxious Matron beheld her Boy -still a Babe in form though a Youth in years, Hope and Patience left -her; and thus she complained:— - -"Oh Jupiter! Jupiter! have the promises of the Gods become as those of -Men? Didst thou not in thy bounty vouchsafe unto me a Boy that should be -the most admired of all thy Children? And what hast thou sent me? A -little thing to whom even the shape of Manhood is denied! and at whose -stunted figure the world gapes with pitying wonder. Oh Jupiter! Jupiter! -for what mysterious good hast thou thus visited me?" - -The cloud-compelling Jove heard the Mother's murmurs and thus from on -high rebuked her:— - -[Illustration] - - BORN A GENIUS AND BORN A DWARF. - -"Why, Child of Clay! dost thou question the goodness of the Gods? Thy -petition was heard, and has been granted. What more wouldst thou have -had? Didst thou not beseech me that thy Boy should be the richest and -happiest of Men?" - -"I did, Great Jove!" replied the trembling Mother; "but thou, in thy -strange bounty, hast given to me a Child with limbs too small and weak -to earn even the scantiest subsistence; and whose wretched deformity -must make his life a burthen to him and me." - -"And what, blind Mortal! wouldst thou that I had done?" exclaimed the -God. - -"Oh that thou hadst blest him with a form of Power, and a mind of -Genius!" cried the heavy-hearted parent; "then would Wealth and Joy have -gladdened his days." - -"Fool that thou art!" said the Sovereign of the Skies; "listen and learn -how I have blest, and thou wouldst have curst, thy Child! Had I -conferred on him the Genius thou sighest after he would have felt but -Want and Neglect in the world. Had I quickened him with a sense of the -Beautiful, his Life would have been a Misery—his Death a Crime. For know -that Mind alone can sympathize with Mind; and mindless Man enriches -those who minister rather to the luxury of his Senses than to the -refinement of his Intellect." - -"Oh, all-wise Jove!" exclaimed the abashed Mother. - -"See how thou wouldst have beggared thy Boy with Genius," continued the -Thunderer. "And now listen how I have enriched him with Deformity. He -shall go forth a wonder to the staring and senseless world. Monarchs -shall smile upon him, and rejoice to gird his neck with precious Jewels. -He shall be the beloved of Matrons, and the fondling of Damsels. Crowds -shall flock to behold him, heaping his little lap with countless riches -and costly gifts. His car shall be drawn through the public ways in -triumph; and he—the stunted dwarf—shall play the Giant Emperor among -men. Thank thou, then, the Gods, oh Woman! whose bounty has given thee a -Dwarf, and not a Genius for thy Child." - -Thus spake the mighty Jove, and the Mother in gratitude cried out:— - -"Oh, Jupiter! King of the Heavens, and Ruler of the Earth! I thank thee! -for now I see thou hast, indeed, vouchsafed that my Boy shall be the -most admired of all thy Children—the richest—the happiest of Men." - -[Illustration: - - Perrot teaching the Gods and Goddesses how to dance. -] - -[Illustration: - - Minerva, as she did appear at the Italian Opera. -] - -[Illustration: - - Minerva, as she ought to have appeared at the Italian Opera. -] - -[Illustration: - - Neptune, as he probably will appear at the Italian Opera. -] - - - A MONO-RHYME. - - Oh, Monsieur Perrot! oh, Monsieur Perrot! - Whatever on earth could have made you do so? - Put the Judgment of Paris all into dumb-show! - Bring the Gods and the Goddesses down from _en haut_! - Paris—Mercury—Venus—Minerva—Juno— - To trip "on the light fantastic toe!" - For who ever heard of a Fandango— - A Gavotte—a Cotillion—a Bolero— - Balancez—avancez—chaine des dames—dos-à-dos, - Or indeed any _pas_ (excepting a "_faux_") - Perform'd by a Goddess, I'd like to know? - Whate'er in the name, too, of Lemprière and Co., - Could have made it come into your head to bestow - On the Goddess of Wisdom, so _comme il faut_, - And who Keightley informs us was "chaste as snow," - A petticoat scarcely, Sir, reaching below - The knees of the lady—and looking as though - 'Twas a kilt of book-muslin or calico! - Whereas every classical cameo - Assures us she usen't her legs to show— - Perhaps they were bandy and form'd like a bow— - Or her ankles were gummy—but whether or no - Sure the Goddess half-naked objected to go. - Now it wouldn't have been such a dreadful blow, - And to Mamselle Minerva much more _à propos_, - Had you comb'd back the hair of the Virago— - Dress'd it _à la Chinoise_ 'stead of _en Bandeau_— - While a pair of "blue specs" would have served to throw - Round the Goddess of Wisdom a learned halo! - But short Petticoats surely are rather _de trop_ - For the Sapient Minerva and Stately Juno!! - Then Oh, Mister Lumley! Oh, Monsieur Perrot! - And Oh, Lucille Grahn! and Oh, Cerito! - Whatever on earth could have made you do so? - -[Illustration: - - The Gods and Goddesses behind the Scenes at the Italian Opera. -] - -[Illustration: - - SHAM IBRAHIM, - - or the Pacha at Vauxhall. -] - - - A LAY OF MODERN ENGLAND - OR, IBRAHIM PACHA AT VAUXHALL. - - Great Ibrahim of Egypt has promised the Lessee - The Masquerade at Vauxhall he'll go in State to see; - To Allah he has vowed it—to Allah and the Clown, - That in his royal Glass-Coach he will in State go down. - - It's posted in all Quarters—it's stuck up in all Parts, - It's carried about by Boardmen and advertising Carts; - It is in every paper—it is on every wall, - That Ibrahim of Egypt is going to Vauxhall. - - To-night the Clerks of London shall "Merry Monarchs" be; - To-night each Linendraper shall get his Captaincy; - The Tailors Metropolitan to-night shall strut as Greeks, - And Jews for Don Giovannis shall rouge their sallow cheeks. - - But there are six young Doctors who dearly love a Laugh, - One is disguised as Ibrahim, the others as his staff; - They've hired a seedy Glass-Coach—they've Beards and Caps and All, - And as Ibrahim of Egypt they're going to Vauxhall. - - And now they leave the Borough with many a loud Huzzā; - Drive on! drive on! to Vauxhall—On to the Bal Masqué! - On! shout the six young Doctors, and, as the crowd Hurrah, - They laugh to find they're taken for Ibrahim Pacha. - - In swarms the Masqueraders are whirling to the Doors, - Of Sailors there are Hundreds—of Soldiers there are Scores, - And lots of German Students who nought of German know, - And not a few Postillions who're _not_ from Lonjumeau. - - And many illegal Lawyers with borrow'd Wigs and Gowns, - And lively Undertakers—and melancholy Clowns, - And Debardeurs and Tomboys—and many a Bow-bell Swain, - And dressed as "Heeland Lassies," the Lasses of Cockaigne. - - From Eastward and from Westward the Masks are pouring there, - The Nobbish and the Snobbish from Mile End and May Fair; - They pour from many a Mess-room—and many a Second Floor, - They pour from Swan and Edgar's—from Lincoln's Inn they pour. - - But now Inspector Higgins rides up the way to clear; - "Stand back! stand back! you fellows, great Ibrahim is near!" - And then, far in the distance, the welkin's heard to ring, - With "Long live Ibrahim Pacha! Long life to Egypt's King!" - - And Nearer still and Nearer the seedy Glass-Coach steals, - And Louder grows and Louder the rumbling of its Wheels, - And Plainly and more Plainly is heard the People's din, - But Nothing still—no Nothing does the Pacha do but Grin. - - For Clearly, very Clearly, the Ibrahim they cheer'd, - Was only a Sham Ibrahim with only a Sham Beard, - And Truly, very Truly, the Pacha's present Suite - Came not from Mighty Egypt, but from Great Tooley Street. - - - Now the Lessee of the Gardens receives them at the Gates, - And thinks the six young Doctors six Eastern Potentates, - And trusts His Royal Highness some Wine will deign to quaff, - Whereat His Royal Highness winks at His Royal Staff. - - But the Lessee's looks are angry, and the Lessee's Brows depressed, - A Jest he loves most dearly, but this is past a Jest; - For he hears another Party with Beards and Caps and All, - As Ibrahim of Egypt has come unto Vauxhall. - - Then to the Great Sham Ibrahim he talks extremely Large, - Assures his Sham Royal Highness he'll give the Rogues in charge, - Whereon the Sham Interpreter swears t'other's come to Fleece, - And calls aloud for "Vengeance!" and louder for "Police!" - - Off to Inspector Higgins the Lessee Flies forthwith; - "There'll be a row," says Ibrahim, "as sure as my name's Smith; - Though if it comes to Fighting, boys, I am a match for Three, - And I will fight like Bricks to-night if You will stand by Me." - - Then outspake young O'Driscoll, one of the Staff was He, - "I'll fight for hours for Thee, by the pow'rs! and I will stand by - Thee!" - And outspake "Charley" Smivens, and outspake t'other Three, - "We'll fight like mad for Thee, my Lad! and We'll all stand by Thee!" - - Now down the Lessee rushes with Higgins to the Gates, - And vows he'll have the Pacha up before the Magistrates; - He calls His Royal Highness an Impostor and a cheat, - And tells Inspector Higgins to collar Him and Suite. - - Cries Higgins, when he sees him—"This beats cock-fighting _holler_, - That there's the King of Egypt you're telling me to collar; - Yes, I'd take my affidavey, although you looks and starts, - That there's the King of Egypt what lodges at Mivart's!" - - "_That_ Ibr'im!" cries the Lessee, "then t'other's all a Flam, - But I'll bow in the Real One if you'll kick out the Sham;" - "I will! I will!" shouts Higgins, then with a small Array - Of gallant young Policemen he hurries to the Fray. - - Young Smivens knock'd down Higgins into the gutter—smack! - O'Driscoll sent C 30 Whap! right upon his Back; - At two more of "the Body" Smith gave a potent Thrust, - And then C 6 and 7 lay groaning in the Dust. - - But they've sent for more Policemen to come and keep the Peace, - And yonder from the Station march twenty more Police; - "Cut off! Cut off, O'Driscoll!" loud cried the Doctors all, - "Cut, Smith! Cut, Charley Smivens! Cut, over the Garden Wall." - - Off ran both Smith and Smivens, and off O'Driscoll ran, - The other Three ran off too, pursued by man a Man, - And o'er the Wall they scrambled, and scrambled o'er the Ground, - Nor stopt till in the Borough they were All Safe and Sound. - - And now, when of an Evening they want a hearty Laugh, - When they sit smoking "Dodeens," and drinking Half and Half, - And when they're getting Jolly they Love this Chant to squall, - Telling how as Ibrahim Pacha they went into Vauxhall. - -[Illustration: - - "I DREAMT I SLEPT AT MADAME TUSSAUD'S." -] - -[Illustration: - - The Magnificent Group of the Royal Family, as it will appear at Madame - Tussaud's in a few years' time. -] - -[Illustration: - - Madame Tussaud beside herself -] - -[Illustration: - - The Brigand of Windmill Street on the look-out down the Haymarket. -] - -[Illustration: - - George IV. at Madame Tussaud's without his grand Coronation Robes. -] - - - I DREAMT THAT I SLEPT AT MADAME TUSSAUD'S. - - I. - - I dreamt that I sle-ept at Madame Tussaud's, - With Cut-throats and Kings by my si-i-de; - And that all the Wax-figures in tho-ose abodes - At Midnight became vivifi-i-ied. - I dreamt William the Four-urth sat dow-own to smoke - With Collins, who aimed at his eye, - And I a-also dre-eamt King Hal—what a joke!— - Danc'd the Polka with Mi-istress Fry - Danc'd the Polka—the Polka with Mi-istress Fry, - Danc'd the Polka—the Polka with Mi-istress Fry. - - II. - - I dreamt that Napo-le-on Bo-onaparte - Was waltzing with Madame T-e-ee; - That O'Connell, to study the regicide art, - Had a gossip with Fieschi-e-ee; - And Penn making eyes with Queen Be-ess I saw, - And Pitt taking gro-og with Fox. - And I a-also dreamt the Sun melted—oh la! - The nose of Lord Brougham and Vaux— - The nose of—the nose of Lord Brougham and Vaux, - The nose of—the nose of Lord Brougham and Vaux. - -[Illustration: - - Napoleon, at Madame Tussaud's, melting before the Sun of England. -] - - - SIR THOMAS BROWN ON WELSH RABBITS. - BEING A CONTINUATION OF HIS "INQUIRIES INTO VULGAR AND COMMON - ERRORS." - -The common opinion of the Welsh Rabbit conceits that it is a species of -_Cuniculus_ indigenous to Wales; of which assertion, if Prescription of -time and Numerosity of assertors were a sufficient Demonstration, we -might sit down herein as an orthodoxical Truth, nor should there need -ulterior Disquisition. _Pliny_ discourseth of it under the Head of _De -Animalibus Walliœ_. _Seneca_ describeth it as an exosseous Animal, or -one of the invertebrated or boneless kind. _Claudian_ saith that it -delighteth to burrow underground in Coal Holes and Cyder Cellars. -_Scaliger_ affirmeth it to be like to the Hyena, incapable of Domitation -or taming, for the cause that he never heard of one being domesticated -in a Hutch. _Sarenus Sammonicus_ determineth it to be like unto the -Salamander, moist in the third degree, and to have a mucous Humidity -above and under the Epidermis, or outer skin, by virtue whereof it -endureth the Fire for a time. Nor are such conceits held by Humane -authors only, for the holy Fathers of the Church have likewise similarly -opinioned. _St. Augustine_ declareth it to be an unclean Animal; -insomuch that like to the Polecat it is Graveolent, emitting a strong -Murine, or Micy Effluvium. _The Venerable Bede_ averreth that it is -Noctiparent, as the Bat or Owl, and seldom quitteth its Warrenne until -Midnight, for food; for the reason that being Cœcigenous, or possessing -no organs of Vision, it loveth Tenebrosity. - -All which notwithstanding, upon strict inquiry, we find the Matter -controvertible. _Diodorus_, in his Eleventh Book, affirmeth the Welsh -Rabbit to be a creature of Figment, like unto the Sphinx and -Snap-Dragon. _Mathiolus_, in his Comment on _Dioscorides_, treateth it -not as an Animal, but as a Lark. _Sextius_, a Physitian, saith that -having well digested the matter, he was compulsed to reject it; whilest -_Salmuth_, the Commentator of _Pancirollus_, averreth that one -_Podocaterus_, a Cyprian, kept one for Months in a Cage, without ever -having attained the sight of the remotest Manifestation of Vitality. - -Now, besides Authority against it, Experience doth in no way confirm the -existence of the Welsh Rabbit as an Animant Entity. But, contrariwise, -the principles of Sense and Reason conspire to asseverate it to be, like -unto the Myths of Paganism, an Inanimant Body, vivificated by the -Ignoration and Superstitiosity of men. For had they but inquired into -the Etymon, or true meaning of the name of the Entity in question, they -would have experienced that it was originally merely the Synonyme for a -British Dainty, or Cymric Scitamentum; insomuch as it was primitively -appellated, "The Welsh Tid, or Rare-Bit;" which, by elision, becoming -Metamorphosed into Ra'bit, was, from its Homophony, vulgarly supposed to -have respect to the _Cuniculus_ rather than to the _Scitamentum_ of -Wales. - -Again, the Doctrine of the Existence of the Welsh Rabbit as a Vivous -Entity, doth in nowise accord with the three definitive Confirmators and -Tests of things dubious: to wit, Experiment, Analysis, and Synthesis. -And first by Experiment. For if we send to Wales for one of the Rabbits, -vernacular to the Principality, we shall discriminate on the attainment -of it, no Difformity in its Organism from that of the Cuniculi vulgar to -other Countries. And if we then proceed to discoriate and exossate the -Animal thus attained, or to deprive it of both its Skin and Bones, and -after to macerate the residuary Muscular Fibre into a papparious Pulp, -we shall experience, upon diffusing the same on an _Offula tosta_, or a -thin slice of toast, that so far from the concoction partaking in the -least of the delectable Sapor of the Welsh _Scitamentum_, it will in no -way titillate the lingual Papillæ, but, contrariwise, offer inordinate -Offence to the Gust. - -And, secondly, by Analysis, If, in the stead of sending to Wales, we -betake ourselves to any Hostelrie or place of Cenatory Resort, vicine to -Covent Garden (whereanent they be celebrious for the concoction of such -like Comestibles, for the Deipnophagi or eater of Suppers), and thence -provide ourselves with one of the Welsh Rarebits or Scitamenta, whereof -we are treating, we shall discriminate upon the Dissolution or -Discerption of its parts, that it consisteth not of any Carnal -Substance, but simply of a Superstratum of some flavous and adipose -Edible, which, to the Sense of Vision, seemeth like unto the Unguent, -denominated Basilicon, or, the Emplastrum appellated Diachylon; whilest -to the Sense of Olfaction it beareth an Odour that hath an inviting -Caseous or Cheesy Fragror, and fulfilleth all the conditions and -Predicaments of caseous matter or Cheese, which hath undergone the -process of Torrefaction; whereof, indeed, if we submit a portion to the -Test of the Gust, we shall, from the peculiar Sapor appertinent thereto, -without Dubitation determine it to consist. - -And, thirdly and lastly, by Synthesis. If we provide ourselves with -about a Selibra or half pound of the Cheese, entitulated _Duplex -Glocestrius_, or Double Gloucester; and then go on to cut the intrinsic -caseous Matter into tenuous Segments or Laminæ; and, positing such -Segments within the coquinary commodity distinguished by Culinarian's as -the _Furnus Bataviœ_ or Dutch Oven, submit the same to the Fire, until -by the action of the Caloric they become mollified unto Semiliquidity: -whereupon, if we diffuse the caseous fluid on an Offula of Bread, the -Superfices whereof hath been previously torrified, and then Season the -same with a slight aspersion of the Sinapine, Piperine, and Saline -Condiments, or with Mustard, Pepper, and Salt, we shall find that the -Sapor and Fragror thereof differ in no wise from the Gust and Odour of -the Edible we had præ-attained from the Covent Garden Cœnatorium; and, -consequentially, that the Welsh Rabbit is not, as the Vulgar Pseudodox -conceiteth, a species of Cuniculus vernacular to Wales, but as was -before predicated, simply a Savoury and Redolent Scitamentum or Rarebit, -which is much existimated by the _Cymri_ or Welsh people, who, from time -prætermemorial, have been cognized as a Philocaseous, or Cheese-loving, -Nation. - -[Illustration: - - THE MILITARY ACADEMY IN AN UPROAR. -] - -[Illustration: - - The Naughty Life-Guardsman. -] - - - THE EDUCATION OF THE SOLDIER. - -A great deal of Ink has been shed upon the question whether DILWORTH -should enter the army; but we have met with no greater instance of the -necessity of sending the sons of Mars, or, in other words, the children -"in arms," to an infant school, than the following copy of verses which -were picked up in one of the Areas of Albany Street, and which are -supposed to be the outpourings of some Cupid in the Life Guards, to his -Psyche in the Kitchen:— - -[Illustration: - - "Creeping like Snail lazily to School." -] - -[Illustration: - - The Life-Guardsman on his Pegasus. -] - - - TO THE IDLE OF MY HEART. - - ark! to the Blarst of Waw, luv, - fal, la, lal, la - hit His the cannings Raw, luv, - fal, la, lal, la - yes! yes! that Marshall Orn, luv, - purclames i must be Gorn, luv, - and brake that Art of Yourn, luv, - fal, la, lal, la - - wy duz that buzzum Sy, luv, - fal, la, lal, la - hand teers bejew that High, luv, - fal, la, lal, la - but Hair i Mounts my charjer, luv, - i Wood the gift wur Larger, luv, - take thou this Here mustarsher, luv, - fal, la, lal, la - - we Har the boys for Luving, luv, - fal, la, lal, la - for deth we dont Care Nuffin, luv, - fal, la, lal, la - but Hif i Falls a marter, luv, - sa will you Hever Harter, luv, - weep Hore my sad Departur, luv, - fal, la, lal, la - -[Illustration: - - THE SICK GOOSE AND THE COUNCIL OF HEALTH. -] - - - WELTHE, HELTHE, AND HAPPINESSE. - A RYGHTE MERRIE CONCEITTE. - - In Inglande's fam'd Metropolis - There dwelte inne dayes of yore, - A wondrous greate Philosopher, - Uppe inne a seconde flore. - - His lerninge was prodigious, - And ofte myghte he be sene, - Wastinge y^e mydnyghte rushlyghte, o'er - Y^e Pennie Magazene. - - Eftsoons his fame came to y^e eares - Of one steept to hys chinne - Inne sicknesse and inne miserie, - And shockinge shorte of tinne. - - He hadde been jilted by y^e mayde - Who sholde have been hys spouse, - He'd y^e Lumbagoe inne hys loynes, - Y^e Sherriffe inne hys house. - - So he soughte out y^e sage's celle, - Resolv'd to take advise, - And didde for y^e Philosopher - Y^e myddel belle ringe twyce. - - Y^e sage came downe immediatelie - Y^e soundes felle onne hys eare, - Inne trothe y^e greate Philosopher - Didde thynke it was hys beere. - - But, whenne he saw y^e Invalede, - And lernt whatte he didde lacke, - Y^e sage he kindlie askéd hym - Uppe to his two paire backe: - - For, like a nutte, y^e sage was kinde - Atte hearte, tho' roughe inne huske, - And to afflixion kepte hys eares - Open from tenne tille duske. - - So he y^e sorrie Invalide - Withe everie kindnesse treted, - He drewe a trunke from neathe hys bedde, - And begg'd he wolde be seated. - - "Now lette me heare from thee," he sedde, - "Thy sorrowfulle reporte; - Tho' yffe 'tis longe," observed the sage, - "Be plees'd to cutte itte shorte." - - Thenne brieflie spoke y^e Invalede, - "Y^e wretche who to thee comes - Is sufferinge bytterlie from Love, - Lumbagoe, and y^e Bummes." - - "Butte," said y^e greate Philosopher, - "Whatte seekeste thou of mee? - Thou arte a manne withe whom I feare - Itt's nearlie alle U—P." - - "Oh no!" exclaim'd y^e Invalede, - "You'll clere me from this messe, - Iffe you'll tell me ye Waye to Welthe, - And Helthe, and Happinesse." - - "I feare," sedde y^e Philosopher, - "Thatt's more thanne I canne doo; - To solve so deepe a problemme, boye, - Requires a pype or two." - - He fill'd hys bowle, thenne pufft and thought, - And mutter'd "No! that's notte itte! - Y^e waye to Welthe!—Yes! lette mee see! - I' feckings! boye, I've gotte itte!" - - "Marke welle my wordes," thenne sedde y^e sage, - "Yffe thou dost longe for rytches, - A quack Lyfe Pille withe golde wille fille - Y^e Pockettes of your britches." - - "Moste surelie," crie'd y^e Invalede, - "Thatte is y^e waye to Welthe; - Butte oh! thou greate Philosopher! - Whiche is y^e waye to Helthe?" - - "Thatte's quicklie tolde," returned y^e sage, - "Y^e Quacke Pille, whenne you make itte, - Lette others swallowe!—butte be sure, - Neverre yourselfe to take itte." - - "Oh, lerned sage!" y^e youthe exclaim'd, - "Thy wordes I'll live to bless! - Butte one more question stille remanes, - Y^e waye to Happinesse." - - "Yffe that you'd know," replied ye sage, - "Withe thee this maximme carrie; - As you wolde lede a happie lyfe, - Take my advise-Don't marry!" - - Y^e Invalede returnéd home, - And liv'd to be four score, - Amasst ne ende of golde, and died - A happie batchelore. - -[Illustration: - - "THERE NEVER WERE SUCH TIMES." -] - -[Illustration: - - Here we are again! -] - -[Illustration: - - "Time Flies." -] - -[Illustration: - - Just hatched. -] - - - TEMPUS EDAX RERUM. - - Old Time is a regular glutton, - Something dainty for ever he's munching; - The leg of a Statue's his dinner, - And the wing of a Palace his luncheon. - - Rhodes' Colossus is merely a chicken, - In the maw of this greedy old soul; - And Stonehenge only rashers of granite, - And Pompeii a "toad in the hole." - - Trajan's Column to him's a Poloney, - And the Pyramids Omelettes Soufflées; - Irish stew are ould Erin's Round Towers, - And a nice little hash is Herne Bay. - - But of late, he'd had little worth eating, - So one day he—inclin'd for a treat— - At the Board of Works called to inquire - What new buildings they'd got he could eat. - - The Commissioners said, "They were sorry - They'd got nothing nice for him; but - There's the Wellington Statue just up, Sir, - And Westminster Bridge in low cut. - - "Nelson's Monument wasn't quite ready" - For old Edax Rerum to swallow; - "But he might have the National Gallery, - With Trafalgar Square Fountains to follow." - - But though he lik'd things in bad odour, - The Gallery pleas'd not his whim; - For though very fair game was the building, - 'Twasn't rotten enough yet for him. - - "On the ruins of Greece have I feasted," - Cried Old Time, with contemptuous raillery; - "And having a taste for the Parthenon, - How the deuce can I stomach that Gallery?" - -[Illustration: - - COME, MOVE ON THERE, MY MAN. -] - - - THE STAGE COACHMAN AND THE POST BOY. - AN IMAGINARY CONVERSATION. - - STAGE COACHMAN (_meeting Post Boy_). - - Vy! who'd a thought o' seeing you! Vell! how's your vife and fammerly? - and how do you find yourself, Muster Joe? - - POST BOY. - - Only middlin', thank ye!—but how can you hexpect a man, who's a yarning - nuffin a-veek, to find himself, I should like to know? - - STAGE COACHMAN. - - Ah! these here is hard times for you and me, Joe; since every - hindivid'al hobjects vith us now to ride— - I'm blow'd if I an't been empty for this month past, and gone every - journey vith nuffin at all in my hinside. - - POST BOY. - - And as for the matter of po-chaises, Vill'm, bless you! there's so - plaguy little for a boy now to do— - That I'm sure I don't know how I should ever be able to ive, if I - didn't hoccasionally make a dinner out of a "Fly" or two. - - STAGE COACHMAN. - - Vell! all I can say is, Joe, I can't keep on a running of my coach - vithout never no passengers; - Only, I can't a-bear the hidea of my poor 'osses a going the vay of all - 'oss-flesh, and a being made into beef sassengers. - - POST BOY. - - Yes! that'll be the hend on the poor critturs, no doubt; for I have - heerd—and it sartinly is my belief— - That, since the railvays have come in, many houses in town rig'larly - every veek biles down three 'osses and a gallovay for halamode beef. - - STAGE COACHMAN. - - Cuss all railways and steam ingins, says I! I vonders how people can - like to travel by sitch houtlandish modes— - Only, to be sure, there is jist now vot they calls a "Manier" for - mangling all the country, and hironing all the roads. - - POST BOY. - - And if they only goes on a using up the iron in the vay they're now - doing, depend on it, Vill'am—though I hopes I shan't live to see it! - Every poor 'oss that is left vill be hobligated to vander about the - streets, vithout never so much as a shoe to his feet. - - STAGE COACHMAN. - - And vorser still!—Hang me! if each blessed Landlord vont be hinsolvent, - and each blessed hinn be sqvashed— - For I heerd t'other day that even "THE RED LION" had got over his head - and ears in debt, and vas a going to get vhitevashed. - -[Illustration: - - STEAMED OUT, - or the Starving Stage-Coachman and Boys. -] - - POST BOY. - - They do say, too, that the Sheriff has seized all "THE HANGEL'S" - things, and "THE 'OLE IN THE VALL" is to be closed afore another - twelvemonth comes round— - And, vot's more! that "THE PIG IN THE POUND"'s broke, and von't be - hable to pay his creditors nuffin at all votsomdever in the pound. - - STAGE COACHMAN. - - And then the Chambermaids has all gone to stand behind mahogany - counters at the Stations—though a body would hardly think it— - Vhere they sarves out hot tea and soup, to poor half-starv'd devils of - passengers, vot arn't hallowed no time to drink it. - - POST BOY. - - All the Boots, too, has turned railvay policemen, and hangs out them - signals, of vhich you've werry likely heerd speak; - And vhich they uses to purvent the gen'l'men, as is travelling in sitch - a werry particular hurry, a being druv slap into the middle of next - veek. - - STAGE COACHMAN. - - Yes! and the vorst of that there cursed railvay is, that vhenever there - is a haccident on it— - The're sartin to mangle a person's poor body so, that even the Coroner - don't like sitting upon it. - - POST BOY. - - And though, Vill'am, I've bolted with dozens of heiresses in my time, I - an't had a 'lopement for this plaguy long vhile; - For the 'appy couples, hang 'em! now takes a "day ticket" to Gretna - Green, and runs avay in the most hunromanticated style. - - STAGE COACHMAN. - - Yes! and vhere now is that beautiful purcession, on the fust of May, to - show off the new scarlet coats of the Drivers of Her Majesty's - mails? - Vy! if there vos to be sitch a thing, now-a-days, Joe! it 'ud be nuffin - but von one long line of them beastly dirty Stokers to them nasty - filthy rails. - - POST BOY. - - Vell! Vill'am, I only vish I vas the hingineer to them there railvay - trains—and then their business I vouldn't be werry long sp'iling; - For, if I only had the driving of all of them as likes travelling - behind steam ingins, blow me! but I'd bust the bilers of the whole - biling. - - STAGE COACHMAN. - - And, as for my part, if I only had the tooling along of them there - D'rectors—into 'em, Crikey! Joe, vouldn't I stick it? - Yes! I'd tool 'em along slap to that "bourne from which no traveller - returns;" or, in other words, from which nobody can't get no "Return - Ticket." - - - ADVICE TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS. - - (_Strictly private and confidential._) - - MY VERY DEAR FRIENDS, - -I have frequently observed your praiseworthy though unavailing attempts -to reduce your domestic expenses, by getting your wards and daughters -"off your hands." I regret to say I have seen much energy on your parts -misdirected, and many an elegant and expensive supper given by you to no -purpose. - -Now, to prevent these failures in future, and to allow the "dear girls" -a better chance of getting "comfortably settled" in life, I am about to -confide to you a secret, which experience has shown me to be well worth -knowing. - -What I would first ask you, is the primary object of all evening -parties? Why do you engage Weippert's band, or order your supper and -ices from Gunter? Is it—candidly now between ourselves—to make your -friends happy? Or is it not to catch some amiable and independent young -bachelor, who is willing to make your girl the partner of his bosom and -banker's account? Of course you are people of the world, and don't mind -throwing one of Gunter's sprats to catch an aristocratic herring. - -To command success, however, in this style of marital fishing, one -thing, let me tell you, above all, is necessary, and that is, a -conservatory leading from the ball-room. Think, oh ye Parents and -Guardians! for a moment of the advantages of such an arrangement. - -The bashful or timid young man, after the quadrille, is sure to propose -a temporary retirement among the flowers, because they afford him -something beyond the weather to talk about, and if he only be -matrimonially disposed, no place—depend upon it—is more likely to make -him speak out. For instance, he asks the young lady to pick him a -Camelia, she does so of course, and, if she has nice eyelashes, takes -advantage of the opportunity afforded her, to display some little -timidity and the said eyelashes while arranging the leaves. But if not -blest with those bewitching adjuncts to a pretty face, I have known a -half-suppressed sigh from the interesting creature answer very well; for -your bashful young gentleman very frequently labours under the notion -that he is a lady-killer; and ten to one but he is thus led to think he -has made a conquest of the poor girl, and so, resolving to make her -happy, proposes on the spot. - -The conservatory is quite as useful for what is called "the fast man," -or for the man of the world, or indeed for any other species of the -genus _homo_; though of course the treatment must in each of these cases -be judiciously varied. - -Your "fast man"—who is generally given to capacious coat-sleeves, and an -eccentric narrowness of neckcloth—prefers a young girl with "something -to say for herself," and who does not leave him to supply all the -conversation. "The agreeable rattle" should therefore be kept up by the -young lady, and if the dear girl have a pretty hand she may take off her -"Houbigant," and amuse herself by dipping her taper fingers in the basin -of the little fountain, with its three miserable gold fish. The "fast -man" will then probably essay a joke, or a compliment, whereupon the -young lady may playfully sprinkle him with a few drops of water; and -thus, doubtlessly, matters will proceed, until the "rapid" gentleman -thinks her "a deuced nice girl with no nonsense about her;" so that the -flirtation, if not nipped by bad management in the bud, may, in due -course of time, blossom into a proposal. - -For a sentimental young man the "language of flowers" presents a very -"taking" subject for conversation; while to the scientific bachelor, a -conservatory affords an easy means for a botanical discussion; besides, -the examination of a plant is sure to bring the faces of the couple into -proximity; and no disciple of Linnæus, however ardent, is proof against -that peculiar thrill which is caused by a pretty girl's glossy and -perfumed ringlets brushing against the cheek. - -With the matter-of-fact young man a conservatory is quite as useful. He -likes his own comfort better than anything else, and considers the -supper the best part of the evening; a seat among the flowers saves him -the trouble of dancing, so that he will think any young lady "a very -sensible girl" for proposing such a thing; and, as he considers himself -a very sensible young man, why of course the sensible young man would -like a sensible young lady for his wife. - -In all these arrangements a maiden aunt, or the useful "friend of the -family," should be stationed near the conservatory door; for -occasionally the "dear girls" are disposed to flirt with Captains, with -large moustachios and small means. All elderly mammas having unmarried -daughters should be carefully excluded, as every mother of a family is -well known to take a malicious delight in interrupting promising affairs -of this kind, when their own girls do not form part of the -_tête-à-tête_. - - Believe me, my dear Friends, yours very sincerely, - A VICTIM TO A CONSERVATORY. - - - ADVICE TO YOUNG LADIES. - -MY DEAR CREATURES, - -Yes, you are all dear to me—so dear that when I watch you, as I do at -times, most anxiously, I feel how sadly you stand in need of an adviser. - -But do not alarm yourselves! I am not going to be ill-natured. No! I -will not find fault with Miss Crinoline's bustle; though I certainly -must confess it is rather absurd to see her doing the very agreeable in -one room, with the hind breadths of her skirt half-way across another. -Nor will I say anything to Miss Nude about wearing her dresses so low as -she does; for though I am an ardent admirer of the "blanches épaules," -still I cannot help observing that she does allow her gown to slip a -_leetle_ too far off her shoulders sometimes. But I can't spare Miss -Carney, who calls Miss Nude "dear," and then tells me confidentially, -"how bad it looks to see such a nice girl as she is go about with her -shoulders so dreadfully exposed; that it really makes people think her -so bold, and that it's pity some one doesn't tell her of it." And this -Miss Carney does with a look of such pretty pity that for a moment I -think she is the most good-natured creature since Mrs. Adam, and feel -inclined to run and tell the bare shoulders that she ought to be ashamed -of herself. It's a great mark of talent in a young lady, by-the-bye, to -be able to say ill-natured things in a good-natured way. - -And I should most strongly recommend Miss Madonna, who wears her hair -plain, not to find fault with Miss Chevelure's crisp ringlets. Why -should Miss Madonna say they are not becoming? Miss Chevelure's soft -blue eyes and aquiline nose certainly proclaim her to be the prettier of -the two; and I would bet my favourite whisker that Miss Madonna is a far -better customer to Isadore for cosmetique, bandoline, fixature, and -other toilet luxuries than she of the crisp ringlets whom she decries. -And why should Miss Madonna be severe upon Miss Blue Stocking (whom she -calls her "dear Cloè," and rushes to embrace when she enters the room)? -Why should she say that Miss Blue Stocking has her hair dressed "à la -Chinoise," to show off her forehead, and make her look more -intellectual? But I don't believe it; though I certainly must say that -it would be better if the fair _bas bleu_ did wear her hair a little -less like the ladies of China, and a little more like those of England. - -My dear creatures, take my advice—never call a young lady "dear," when -every one knows you detest her; and never try to exalt yourselves by the -detraction of others. Depend upon it, the diminishing spectacles of envy -do not become you. - -Again: I don't like to hear Miss Pertness abusing Captain Rover, and -calling him an impudent fellow and a coxcomb in so spiteful a tone; -especially when I know that a few evenings back she danced with him -nearly every quadrille, and that she is now curling her pretty lip -simply because Miss Flirt's sparkling eyes have bewitched the Captain -for a time. Nor should Miss Pertness run across the room to Miss Prude -(whom she laughs at for "dressing like a girl of eighteen, when all the -world knows she's thirty, if she's a day"), to point out how the said -Miss Flirt is coquetting with the said Captain Rover. - -Rest assured, my dear creatures, when you can say nothing good of any -one, the best way is to keep your pretty mouths closed, and to say -nothing at all. Talk any little innocent nonsense you like that is -natural to you; but do not, for goodness sake, be satirical or -ill-natured. Leave that to philanthropists. - -Above all, don't flirt _too_ much: it's very dangerous, and may ruin -your prospects in the world. For rely upon it, that though most men like -flirts very well for an evening, they would hardly think of linking -themselves to one for a lifetime. - -Moreover, don't affect blueness, or music-madness, or any kind of -literary or scientific mania: though if you must, for mercy sake, don't -be silly enough to believe that you show your intellect by neglecting -your dress or personal appearance. Philosophy and Polkas are very -distinct things; so either throw up one or the other; for the song that -says, "I must have lov'd thee hadst thou not been fair," is one of those -fictions that Bunn and the other British Poets have been in the habit of -getting set to music, and foisting on the public from time immemorial. - -Now, adieu! and though I am quite aware that the main object of your -lives is to make us the slaves of your charms, and then to render us -miserable by marrying us (the bare idea sets us trembling), still we -wish you success the most brilliant. May Park phaetons, opera-boxes, -diamond suites, and even coronets and plain gold rings, be showered at -your dear little feet; and, above all, may you be happy, whether your -wedding-cards bear the address of Belgrave Square or Clapham Common. - - Yours, ever Platonically, - ALBERT DE BERLINS. - -[Illustration: - - THE BANQUET OF THE BLACK DOLLS - - In commemoration of the Reduction of the Duty on Rags. -] - -[Illustration: - - The Cooks of England offering up their Kitchen Stuff to their Black - Idol. -] - -[Illustration: - - It shall have all the kitchen stuff—so it shall. -] - -[Illustration: - - A Lover of Grease. -] - - - DE BLACK DOLLIBUS. - -The Black Dolls of England are a highly comic race. They were the first -to mingle the unctuous joke with the dry details of business, and to -give a lightness to puffs before unknown to the paste of the -Billsticker. They are the Smolletts of Posters, and the Fieldings of the -Broad Sheet. Clare Market appears to be the grand centre of these right -merrie marine store shops. Here a magazine of linen rags and witty -conceits displays a thoroughly Gran-tian work of art, in which one cook -is inquiring of another, who wears a chapeau in tremendously full -flower, "My dear, where did you get that splendid new bonnet from?" to -which the other replies, "Why, by carrying my bones and fat to the real -original Black Doll, No. 12," &c. Another racy repository exhibits a -grand transparency, representing a _tête-à-tête_ between the Black Doll -and one of her fellow-countrymen, in which the dark gentleman, in a most -unniggerly dialect, is made to ask, "Why, Dinah, do all the people come -to Massa's shop?" and Dinah to reply, "Because Sambo, Massa gives the -best price for all old-iron, linen rags, and kitchen stuff." Then there -is the highly popular bellman, who is eternally crying, "Oh yes! Oh yes! -WE (!) are now giving two-pence for three pounds of old bones," &c. And -last of all, the exceedingly tempting inquiry, "Do you want a plum -pudding?" of which dainty there is prefixed a splendidly coloured -caricature, and for which one spirited rag merchant subjoins the -following curious recipe:— - - - THE BLACK DOLL'S RECEIPT FOR A GOOD PLUM PUDDING. - -Take 8lbs. of the best white linen rags, 4lbs. of broken flint glass, -and 12 ditto of old bones; throw in a handful of old nails, with a few -horses' shoes, and flat irons at discretion. Put these into a bag, and -bring them to No. 12, &c., and you will find that it will make you a -good family plum pudding; but if you wish to give it additional -richness, you should add a few pounds of kitchen-stuff, and put a pound -or two of candles into the grease pot. - -[Illustration: - - The Real Ethiopian Serenaders or the first that extracted Notes (Bank) - from Bones. -] - - - THE HONOUR OF THE READER'S COMPANY IS REQUESTED TO - A DINNER PARTY. - -The Dining Room's quite a sight! The Chairs have had their pinafores -taken off for the occasion, and now stand out in all the glory of -Morocco. The table, which in the morning was only a modest square, has -by means of its telescope been stretched into an oblong. You can count -the number of guests by the number of chairs, and before each seat -stands a small cluster of wine glasses, of different shapes and colours, -two plates, and a napkin folded into the form of a triangle, with a -small sandball-looking French roll secreted within it. The salt has -changed its colour—is pink, and looks flushed with excitement. The -supernumerary silver has been taken from its catacomb of the plate -chest, where it has been kept since the last grand dinner, shrouded in -wash leather, and like an old Dowager has now been rouged into -brightness. - -At the Sideboard stands Kitson, the host, with a shiny soapy face, -decanting the wine, and consequently in a bad humour. And the honest -Coal and Potato Warehouseman, who "beats carpets and attends evening -parties," is fortifying himself in the passage by swallowing all that -is left at the bottom of the bottles, with a look of extreme disgust -for all spirituous liquors; and Master Kitson is helping his Father -with the Wine, and himself to the Almonds and Raisins, when the -Governor is not looking. On one side stand half a dozen of generous -Port, in rich coats of Cobweb, with their chalk fronts; and on the -other, two or three bottles of that tall, stately-looking, -silver-headed, dinner-party-drinking Champagne. - -In the Drawing-room is Mrs. Kitson, in a dreadful state of mind, -standing on a chair—on which she has spread her handkerchief, from the -fear of soiling the damask of the cushion—groaning over the Ormolu Lamp, -and trying to discover why it has been dripping on the yellow satin -Ottoman beneath. - -In the midst of this a hungry double knock comes at the door, and the -hostess has just got time enough to snatch one of the showily-bound -books, which are placed at regular distances round the drawing-room -table, and arrange herself and her dress on the Sofa, with a look of -deep interest, when the Coal and Potato Warehouseman announces the first -small appetite in a voice that savours strongly of "Below." And in the -said small appetite walks in a love of a dress that talks French as fast -as it can rustle. The conversation takes a lively turn, first, as to the -weather, and then as to the children of the two establishments, each -fond mother trying to make out that "her dear Herbert" or "her dear -Kitty" was more delicate than the other fond Mother's sweet offspring. - -Now the hungry double knocks come quicker and stronger, and the plates -and the glasses jingle a kind of chorus. The next-door neighbours keep -running to the windows, and are quite sure there is something going on -at the Kitson's, and feel highly indignant at people not treating their -neighbours as themselves, and vow revenge at their next evening party. -There is a small crowd of half a dozen errand-boys and nursery-maids in -front of the house, who closely criticise the dress of each small -appetite as it arrives. - -The company now are only waiting for the family Doctor; and Mrs. K. -begins to have dreadful visions of the haunch of Venison done to a -cinder, and the Turbot about the consistency of curds and whey. Every -now and then young Kitson comes into the room and whispers into his -mother's ears, and receives a mysterious something, that sounds like -keys. Kitson has got three or four of his old Cronies together, and is -letting them into the secret of some miraculous quack pill, and how it -has done him a world of good. - -At length in walks the dilatory family Doctor, with a volume of splendid -excuses, and, being a jocular man of the world, he easily obtains a -pardon. Then comes a general move for the dinner-table, where Mrs. -Kitson looks over a kind of Index of the Chairs, which she has on a -card, and tells each party where he or she is to eat his or her dinner; -by which contrivance she cleverly manages to place bashful gentlemen -next to talkative ladies, and bashful ladies next to talkative -gentlemen. - -Then the family Doctor insists on Mrs. Kitson letting him help the -Turbot, whereupon Kitson informs the whole table that he shall be -jealous if the Doctor "goes on in that way," which being, of course, a -good joke, causes the guests to giggle unanimously. Every now and then -the Doctor does a witticism, whereat the Coal and Potato Warehouseman, -who is of a facetious turn of mind, chuckles inwardly, and manages to -lodge a slice of Venison or a cutlet in some lady's back hair. Now -Kitson gives a mysterious nod, and immediately Champagne is handed -round, and Master K. ventures on a glassful; on which his Father looks -as black as gentility will allow him, and determines within himself not -to allow Augustus to dine at table again until he knows how to behave -himself. - -On the removal of the cloth Mrs. Kitson's proud moment arrives. She has -thrown the whole strength of the footman into the French polish, and her -domestic reputation stands upon her tables. At the sight of them all her -female friends fall into violent admiration, and, "How _do_ you do it; I -can never get ours half as bright," &c., &c., bursts from every -housewife. With the Dessert come the dear little Master and Miss K.'s, -beautifully got up with bear's grease and pink sarsenet for the -occasion, but looking rather pale from the effects of having dipped -their tiny fingers into each dish as it left the Parlour (the Doctor is -in doubt whether it arises from Bile, or a nasty Influenza that is -flying about); and each of the ladies begs to have "the little pets" -next to her. - -Now the gentlemen begin tempting the ladies, by cutting oranges into the -shapes of lilies and baskets, or cracking nuts for them. And so matters -proceed, until Mrs. Kitson looks inquiringly at each lady, and each lady -having smiled in answer, they all rise and make for the door, which two -or three of the younger gentlemen rush to open. As soon as they have -departed, the gentlemen draw near to the fire, and Kitson says, "Let us -be comfortable," and puts on the table such wines as weak woman is -unable to appreciate. - -Then come Claret, Old Port, and Politics, and with the sixth bottle they -begin discussing Moral Philosophy. Mrs. Kitson's health is at length -proposed by the family Doctor, who speaks of her as "the exemplary wife— -the tender mother—and the woman whom to know is to admire, ay! and he -_would_ say—to love." And then Kitson wants words to express his -feelings for the honour they have done him, and winds up his catalogue -of Mrs. K.'s virtues with a tear. Now "the exemplary wife" upstairs gets -nervous about her husband and the wine below, and sends the footman in -every ten minutes to say that "Tea is ready." Suddenly the ladies -commence singing, and the family Doctor, who lives but to please, -proposes to join them. - -As soon as the gentlemen have retired upstairs, Kitson, who remains -below, carefully locks up the remnants of the fruit and wine, and -reminds Master K. of that little affair of the Champagne, and trusts he -may never have to speak to him on that subject again. Then the gentlemen -upstairs ask each lady in turn to oblige them with a song, and after -considerable difficulty, prevail upon Mrs. Kitson's unmarried sister to -favour them with "Did you ne'er hear of Kate Kearney;" but unfortunately -the nuts spoil the runs. And then the gentlemen begin to have a strong -inclination for Sofas and forty winks, and will put their "nasty greasy -heads" on the bright yellow satin damask cushions. And then the company -grows very silent; so that Kitson, who can't get up his rubber, is not -sorry when he hears the Coal and Potato Warehouseman announce the first -carriage. Then comes the hunting for Cloaks, and the running for Cabs, -and the giving generous shillings and very generous half-crowns to the -Coal and Potato Warehouseman, who is very careful to be at the door as -each party is leaving. At length they have all gone, and Kitson tells -his better half to see the plate right, and retires to bed. - -Next morning he is very surly all breakfast, and very late for business, -and Mrs. K. speaks out about the quantity of wine that was drunk; and -the family, much to the delight of the little K.'s, have the remainder -of the jellies, and other good things, for dinner all the next week. - - - PEOPLE ONE MEETS IN SOCIETY. - - - - No. 1. - THE YOUNG GENTLEMAN WHO HAS JUST GOT HIS COMMISSION. - -Do you see that young man at the top of the quadrille, dancing with that -pretty flaxen-haired girl? That's Arthur Bumpshus; he has just got his -commission; though one might guess as much, for he's paying more -attention to himself, as you perceive, than to his partner, and he holds -his coat by both of the lapels, so as to keep it off his shoulders, -while he puffs out his chest like a pouter pigeon. His hair too, you -observe, is cut very short behind, and frizzed out at the sides, and -stuck up at the top, with the true military effect; and whenever his -partner speaks to him he looks down on the floor, and, inclining his -head slightly on one side, listens with a haughty frown. - -The quadrille is over, and now here he comes. Hark! he's talking to the -flaxen-haired girl about Chatham, and the Provisional Battalion, and the -Mess, larding his conversation with as many military technicalities as -he can possibly cram into it, though, between you and me, he has not yet -joined his regiment, and has dined only once—or twice at the outside—at -Chatham. He says, too, that it's deuced unpleasant being bottled up in -uniform this hot weather, though we know for a fact that his own -regimentals are not yet finished, and that he means "to let out at the -tailor above a bit" for disappointing him with his things for this -evening. When however a friend asks him how it is that he does not -appear _en militaire_, he replies, "Oh, when a man (rich that, for a boy -of eighteen!) is forced to wear uniform he naturally prefers being in -_Mufti_ whenever he can." - -He walks across the room digging his heels down at every step with a -ferocity intended to inspire all beholders with a high idea of his -determination, and asks, when a person's name is mentioned, whether he's -in "the Service;" and, on being told to the contrary, speaks of him ever -afterwards as "a Civilian." And when the host's young nephew, who is -home for the holidays, accidentally treads on the toe of Mr. Arthur -Bumpshus's Patent Leather Boots, Mr. A. B. frowns in a way that makes -the poor youth in the jacket tremble again in his pumps; for the young -military gentleman is anxious to distinguish himself for his valour in -the eyes of his friends. - -He will not allow the engraver to have any peace until he sends home Mr. -Arthur Bumpshus's cards, with the No. of his regiment printed upon them; -and, when he gets them, Mr. A. B. goes the whole round of his -acquaintance, and calls at the house of each of his friends at a time -when he hopes they are in the park, so that he may have an opportunity -of leaving them one of the bits of glazed pasteboard which announces -that he has got his Commission. - -He also pays a visit to Laurie, for the purpose of ordering his saddle; -and hearing Major Splatterdash, of "the Heavies," swear at the saddler -for something which is not quite to the Major's satisfaction, the young -gentleman follows his brother-officer's example, and gets a not very -gentle hint from the tradesman, that unless he can behave himself he had -better leave the shop; for though Laurie may consider it worth his while -to pocket an insult from a Major of ten years' standing, it does not -exactly answer his purpose to do the like with a sucking ensign. - -In short, the young military gentleman persists in making himself as -obnoxious as possible to all people, with the view of impressing them -with his importance, though he forgets that while he is endeavouring to -play the Lion, the Ass's bray continually betrays him. - - - No. 2. - THE YACHTING MAN. - -"Beg your pardon! hope I've not hurt you; but you were right in the -gangway!" exclaims a light-haired, blue-coated specimen of humanity, as -he enters the ball-room, and treads on the feet, and grinds the head of -one of the guests against the door-post he fancies he is ornamenting; -and then he rushes violently up to the lady of the house, and shakes her -hand with a vehemence more cordial than "_comme-il-faut_;" and then, -turning to the host, apologizes for being so late, declaring that he had -carried away every stitch of canvas he could stagger under, and would -have made the house half-an-hour before, but he'd had a capsize in a -cab, and it took him some time to get under weigh again. - -Then he mixes in the crowd, and on closer inspection, you perceive by -the bright buttons on his blue coat, which have a crown and anchor and -some inscription upon them, that he belongs to one of the Royal Yacht -Clubs; while the same bright buttons with the same crown and anchor, -&c., only a size smaller, adorning his white waistcoat, tell you that he -is not ashamed of it. - -From his conversation we are made acquainted with the important fact -that there had been a match that day at Erith, and that his yacht must -have won only his gaff-topsail was carried away in a squall; and we -learn, moreover, that he fully sympathizes with Lord Freshwater, who -would have come in a good second had not a Hatch Boat run right into his -starboard-bow, and driven her bowsprit clean through his lordship's -balloon-jib. And then he tells the listeners a remarkably funny story of -a friend of his, who went for a cruise with him, and would persist in -calling "going on deck" "going upstairs;" whereat the yachting man -laughs immoderately, and takes care all the evening through to term -"going downstairs," "going below." - -He does not dance much, but whenever he does stand up for a Quadrille he -talks very loud to his partner, saying, "Aye, aye," to all her -questions; and he rushes to the refreshment-room with her directly the -dance is over, where he does not restrict himself to negus and ices, but -attacks the port wine at once. - -During the supper he does not do much until the ladies have left, and -then he falls to with surprising vigour, and calling the footman on one -side, inquires whether there is any malt to be had. When the beer -arrives he professes an intense contempt for champagne, and says that as -far as he is concerned a glass of two-water grog is better than all the -wine in the Docks, especially when one's on deck at night; all which -causes the younger men of the party to look upon him as a very dashing -sort of a fellow. And if by any chance he is asked for a song, he is -sure to squall "I'm afloat," or "A Life on the Ocean Wave," though his -knowledge of such a state of existence must be very limited, for he has -seldom been beyond the Nore, and at farthest to Ramsgate,—excepting, -by-the-by, once, when we believe he did get as far as the Isle of Wight, -during the Cowes Regatta. Nevertheless, a life in his father's -country-house would be more in character with his habits. - -And when the party is breaking up the Yachting Man is seen in the Hall -putting on a very rough Pea-Jacket, with large horn buttons, and a cap -with a gold-lace band round it. He says something about it's being time -to turn in, as four bells have gone; and having lit a cigar at the -hall-lamp, he finally disappears, chanting— - - "Good-night!—All's well." - -[Illustration: - - A GOOD PENNY-WORTH. -] - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1848. - - - A NEW OPENING FOR VALENTINES. - -Valentines have hitherto been sentimental. This is a sad mistake in a -matter-of-fact age, when Love may knock at a person's door long enough -before he will be admitted, unless he comes handsomely dressed, and with -his pockets full of money. The old conventional altar, with a couple of -hearts on it pierced through with a skewer, which postmen leave at -houses wrapped up in pink covers, on the 14th of February, is but sorry -fare for young ladies who have been educated upon a hot luncheon every -day, and who would sooner have a basin of turtle than the prettiest pair -of pigeons that were ever served up with pink ribbon on the best satin -paper! Lovers forget that we are a nation of shopkeepers, and should -play their counters accordingly. How much better, instead of sending an -immense tulip with a gentleman sitting inside of it, it would be to -forward a small view of their fortune, drawn out in gold and silver on -their banker's cheque-book! Ladies might not take the trouble to look -under the paper rose, which when pulled out discloses the portrait of a -spooney Adonis, in a blue coat and black moustachios; but a sketch of -what the same "Spooney" intended to do, when married, in the way of a -carriage or an opera-box, would be a puzzle which every young lady could -but be deeply interested in finding out. Beauty is completely a matter -of taste; but a good establishment, with unlimited millinery, powdered -footman, violets all the year round, and subscription to the French -plays, is a simple thing which no two mammas could possibly dispute -about, and which every well-regulated daughter must appreciate at the -very first glance. In fact, the more such a Valentine was looked at, the -more it would be admired. The question nowadays is not, whether you are -handsome—that concerns your looking-glass only—but whether your fortune -has a handsome figure. Hymen has gone completely into the commercial -line; and the closer Valentines resemble advertisements, the easier -young gentlemen who offer themselves at a "tremendous sacrifice," will -find themselves go off. Cupid has turned butcher-boy, and it is -wonderful how he has enlarged his business since he has taken to serving -his customers with something richer than a couple of sheep's hearts -every day for dinner! For further inquiries, the young lady is referred -to the plate opposite. - -[Illustration: - - SOMETHING LIKE A VALENTINE. -] - - - PROBLEMS VERY EASY OF SOLUTION. - - Given—A haunch, of venison. - To Find—Currant jelly, and six persons to eat it.<br> - - Given—A pound to Joseph Ady. - To Find—Something to your advantage.<br> - - Given—A flat contradiction. - To Find—A wife in hysterics. - -[Illustration: - - REVERSING THE OLD PROVERB—THE MOUNTAIN DOES GO TO MAHOMET. -] - - - PROBLEMS RATHER DIFFICULT OF SOLUTION. - - Given—18,000,000_l._ to Ireland. - To Find—An Irishman who is the least thankful for it.<br> - - Given—A bottle of British brandy. - To Find—A gentleman to drink it.<br> - - Given—The legal fare. - To Find—A cabman who is satisfied with it.<br> - - Given—A wife and twelve children. - To Find—The man who is contented with his lot.<br> - - Given—A good flogging. - To Find—A schoolmaster who doesn't say "it hurts him a great deal more" - than the boy he is flogging. - - Given—Advice. - To Find—A man to act upon it.<br> - - - Given—One hundred philanthropists. - To Find—Anything they have given.<br> - - Given—A dog, a cat, and a mother-in-law. - To Find—The house that is not too hot to hold them.<br> - - Given—Several cooks on board wages. - To Find—Any tea and sugar left in your tea-caddy.<br> - - Given—A railway accident. - To Find—The person whose fault it was. - - - THE MOST DIFFICULT PROBLEM OF ALL. - - Given—The "Comic Almanack." - To Find—A bad joke in it. - - - THE STOCK MARKET. - -_Old Gentleman._—Oh! my boy, you have called for the paper, have you? -Well, I suppose you read everything—know of course all the news. I -shouldn't be at all surprised now that you can tell me the price of -stocks? - -_Newspaper Boy (very quickly)._—Two bunches a penny, sir. - - - FULL MOURNING AND HALF MOURNING. - -In this age of costumes, when everybody cries out for a particular -dress, from a Puseyite to a charity boy, we think the poor shopmen in -the Mourning Depôts have been shabbily overlooked. The Half Mourning -Gentlemen should be dressed in the style of the old pictures seen in -Wardour Street, one half black, the other white. And the Full Mourning -Gentlemen, who have to wait on disconsolate widows, and offer them a -choice of weeds, should be black from head to foot, and that effect not -produced by art but by the hand of nature. No Ethiopian artificiality, -but a real Nigger reality. - - * * * * * - -NEW YEAR'S DAY.—Now kill your dragon, for the friendly game of snap, and -hire your blind-man, only take care he is a good buffer. Now get your -needle ready for the purpose of threading, and hunt everywhere for a -slipper, only if there is a wood pavement in the neighbourhood, you need -not go far to pick up one. Now riddle your company well with conundrums, -and bore them with acting charades, till every one is tired of the fun, -and fairly gives it up. - - * * * * * - -THE HEIGHT OF COWARDICE.—Kicking a man with a wooden leg. - - - ODE ON ST. CECILIA'S DAY. - [A LONG WAY AFTER POPE.] - -[Illustration: - - LUMLEY'S TRUMP CARD -] - -[Illustration: - - NOTES OF THE SWEDISH NIGHTINGALE. -] - - Descend, great Bunn!—descend and bring - A furnace of poetic fire; - Nib fifty pens, and take your fling, - Boldly of foolscap fill a quire. - In a namby-pamby strain, - Let the tenor first complain; - Let the falsetto sound, - With nasal twang around, - Till in applause 'tis drown'd. - Then in more ponderous notes and slow, - Let the deep bass go down, extremely low. - Hark the shrill soprano near - Bursts upon the startled ear! - Higher and higher does she rise, - And fills with awful screams the flies. - By straining and shrieking she reaches the notes, - Out of tune, out of time too, the wild music floats; - Till, by degrees, the vigorous bawl - Seems to decay, - And melts away - In a feeble, feeble squall. - - In music there's a medium, you know; - Don't sing too high nor sink too low. - If in a house tumultuous rows arise, - Music to drown the noise the means supplies; - Or when the housemaid, pressed with cares, - To yonder public-house repairs, - Some gallant soldier, fired by music's sound, - Will order pints of half-and-half all round. - John the footman nods his head, - Swears he'll not go home to bed; - In his arms a partner takes, - As some courteous speech he makes; - And suddenly the joyous pair engage - In giddy Waltz or Polka, now the rage. - - But when the violin puts forth its charms, - How the sweet music every bosom warms! - So when the dilettante dared the squeeze, - To hear of Jenny Lind the opening strain, - And in the rush serenely sees - His best coat torn in twain, - Transported simpletons stood round, - And men grew spooneys at the sound, - Roaring with all their wind; - Each one his power of lung displayed - In bawling to the Swedish maid; - While cheers from box to pit resound - For Lind, for Lind, for Lind! - - But when through those mysterious bounds - Where the policeman goes his rounds, - The Poet had by chance been led - 'Mid the Coal-hole, festive shed, - What sounds were heard, - What scenes appeared, - How horrible the din! - Toasted cheese, - If you please. - Waiter—stop! - Mutton-chop. - Hollo! Jones, - Devilled bones; - And cries for rum or gin! - But hark! the chairman near the fire - Strikes on the table to require - Strict silence for a song. - Thy tongue, O waiter, now keep still; - Bring neither glass, nor go, nor gill; - The pause will not be long. - The guests are mute as if upon their beds; - Their hair uncurl'd hangs from their listening heads. - By the verses as they flow, - By their meaning nothing though, - Full of tropes and flowers; - By those lofty rhymes that dwell - In the mind of Bunn so well, - Like love in Paphian bowers. - By the lines that he has made, - Working at the poet's trade— - By the "marble halls" so smart, - By "other lips" and "Woman's heart," - True poetry at once restore, restore, - Or don't let Bunn, at least, write any more! - - But soon, too soon, poor music shuts her eyes; - Again she falls—again she dies, she dies. - How will she now once more attempt to thrive? - Ah! Jullien comes to keep her still alive. - Now with his British Army - Quadrille, so bright and balmy, - Or, with four bands meeting, - Two men a large drum beating, - He gives the tone - Of dying groan, - Or soldier's moan, - When at his post - His life is in the battle lost. - With five bands surrounded, - Is Jullien confounded? - No! onwards he goes, - And his arms about he throws. - See: wild as a wild duck the bâton he plies: - Ah! down in the chair he drops, closing his eyes. - My eyes! He dies! - He comes to life—for Jullien all have sung; - The name of Jullien is on every tongue. - The boxes and the pit, - Both they who stand and sit; - With Jullien's name the entire house has rung. - - Music the greatest brute can charm, - And savage natures will disarm. - Music can find luxurious ease, - Making what bargain it may please. - A salary it can improve - To any sum that it may love. - This the delightful Lind has found, - And to the tune of fifteen thousand pound. - When the full house enjoys the Swedish bird, - E'en fashion deigns to lend its ear, - So eager 'tis to catch each little word, - That were a pin to drop it must be heard; - And people come from far as well as near! - - Of Orpheus now no more let poets tell, - For Jenny Lind may boast with greater reason; - His numbers he for gold could never sell— - She makes her fortune in a season! - -[Illustration: - - "OH MY PROPHETIC SOUL! MY UNCLE." -] - - - A CURIOUS INQUIRY. - BY A MEMBER OF THE ANIMALS' FRIEND SOCIETY. - -I wonder with what feelings does a cat contemplate a fiddle? Does the -sight of it move his bowels of compassion? Does he look upon it as the -hated persecutor of his innocent race for years? Is he vindictive -against it? Does some inward voice tell him that on that very spot was -murdered perhaps one of his dearest relations? Does he feel prompted to -revenge? Does it ever strike him that it may be his own case to-morrow? -If a cat feels all this, then the sight of a fiddle cannot be the -pleasantest object in the world to him, and I fancy I see in my mind's -eye a family of orphan kittens weeping over a violin as the cruel -instrument of their father's death. But, alas! it's all fiddle-de-dee. -Cats have no feelings, or else every Tom in every village would be a -Hamlet! - -[Illustration] - - * * * * * - -HOW TO BEGIN THE NEW YEAR.—The first thing is to take one year off your -age. Recollect every year you grow older you are one year younger. -Ladies are not restricted to any number. He must be a fine bore indeed -who succeeds in piercing a lady's years! - - * * * * * - -HOW TO PUT DOWN REPEAL IN IRELAND.—Agitate for it in England. - - - SAYINGS AND DOINGS OF MR. BROOK GREEN. - -[Illustration: - - NOT WITTY HIMSELF, BUT THE CAUSE OF WIT IN OTHERS. -] - -Poor Brook Green was always too ready to display his ignorance. Nothing -could restrain him, when he found a good opportunity A gentleman was -showing the Elgin marbles to some ladies in the British Museum, when -Green rushed up to him, and said in the most positive manner, "Excuse -me, sir, but I think you called those stones marbles!" "I did, sir," -replied the gentleman, rather surprised. "Well, but now look at them, -really you cannot call them marbles." "But I do, sir, I maintain that -they are," exclaimed the gentleman in a simmering passion; "do you -pretend to tell me that they are not the Elgin marbles?" "Pooh, pooh," -said Green, with a contemptuous smile, "it's ridiculous—you can't be -serious." "Since they are not the Elgin marbles, then, sir, perhaps you -can tell me what they are?" "Oh! that's not for me to say," answered -Brook Green; "but I can only assure these ladies that they're a precious -deal more skittles than marbles," and he walked away quite triumphantly. - -Smith and Jones were looking over a new portrait of Buggins, painted by -Muggins. "It's too dark, much too dark," said Jones, "you can hardly see -a thing." "I tell you what it is," exclaimed Smith, "the lights want -bringing up; what do you say, Green? Don't you think the portrait would -look all the better if the lights were brought up?" "Certainly," he -said, and he left the room. They were wondering what had become of him -when he walked in five minutes afterwards with a pair of lighted -candles. "My dear Green," said Smith, "what have you brought those -candles for?" "Come, that's cool," answered poor Brook; "didn't you say -the lights wanted bringing up?" Jones gave him one of his frowns which -lasted five minutes. - -He thought every one was imposing on him, and no wonder, for he was -being hoaxed almost every minute of his life. "What's this!" he asked, -whilst looking over some engravings. "That's Cleopatra's needle, sir." -"Well, on my word it's very like a needle, and a stitch of it must have -saved nine of any other needle;" and he laughed away as if he had made -the very best joke in the world. "And what is this, pray?" he asked, -taking up another engraving "Why, sir, that is the great Pyramid." -"Nonsense, my dear fellow, you make a mistake; if the last was -Cleopatra's needle, this one must be her thimble," and he gave the -shopman such a dig in the ribs that he was kicked out of the shop. - -"Look at that idiot!" he cried, pointing to a man who was leading a -watering-cart; "will you believe it, I have told him no less than ten -times that all the water is running out of his cart, and yet he takes no -notice of what I say." - -You could persuade Green to believe any absurdity. "I wish you would -step over to the Bedford, Green," said young Thomson, "and order me a -dozen of port?" "I haven't the time," answered our hero. "Well, then, -will you get me half a dozen; the deuce is in it, my good fellow, if you -haven't time enough for that!" Green actually went; and he would do the -same thing for you to-morrow. He has been known to get half way over a -river, and then swim back again for fear of not reaching the opposite -side. On another occasion he ordered a pair of globes, but sent them -back because they were not exactly alike. He also had a sun-dial fitted -up in his bedroom, to enable him, as he said, to rise every morning with -the sun. - -Brook Green's knowledge of literature was very superficial. The editor -of the _Quarterly_ made a wager with him once that he would not mention -a single thing correctly out of Shakspeare. "Can't I, indeed!" he -exclaimed; "why I know his works all through from beginning to end: -first of all, there is a set of chessmen, then there are two dice-boxes, -after that six dices, and lastly, a game of draughts. I'll just trouble -you for the money, if you please." The poor fellow had always looked -upon a backgammon board, which folded up like a book, as a copy of -SHAKSPEARE'S WORKS, for so it was labelled; and he was quite indignant -because the editor of the _Quarterly_ would not pay him the wager, which -he considered he had fairly won. - - * * * * * - -AGRICULTURAL.—Turn down your flower-beds to see if they are damp, and -give them a good shaking. If they want airing, let them have an extra -sheet of snow, and pass the warming-pan once or twice over them. Rub up -your "Sweet William" with tallow, and let your "Old Bachelor" have a -warm bath the last thing at night, if you fancy he has caught cold. - - * * * * * - -DIRECTION FOR HUSBANDS.—All the wards of a latch-key should be -home-wards. - - - THE DAWN WHEN UNADORNED ADORNED - THE MOST. - -[Illustration: - - "92 IN THE SHADE." -] - - Bright blew the wind, and plaintive rose the air, - Dark was the morning, but the night was fair; - A misty shade hung over great and small, - Afraid to rise, yet unprepared to fall. - Birds clustered shivering amid the trees; - Thermometers stood still at twelve degrees; - The wolf was dormant in his mountain lair; - The tiger strutted forth to take the air; - The elephant upon his mossy bed - Reposed instinctively his monstrous head; - Even the windmill paused, as if it found - Not yet the time for turning itself round. - The thunder through the air with caution crept; - The very chamois looked before it leapt; - The nightingale went forth long ere 'twas dark, - The early morn was ready for the lark. - The cuckoo nestled in the budding rose; - The pink was dying in cornelian throes. - The dahlia, with the thickening gloom upon her, - Looked nightlier than the nightshade (Bella Donna) - And all was silent in the distant glen, - Save that tremendous hum—the hum of men! - - - THE DUTY OFF TEA. - -We wonder the ladies never agitated for the reduction of the duty off -tea. They should have formed an "Anti-Tea League." If they had only laid -their tongues together, the death-rattle of the duty would have sounded -for ever. The noise would have made ministers tremble, and the great -wall of China would have shaken like a row of plates on a kitchen -dresser with the tremendous reverberation. Imagine 12,000,000 tongues -calling out "Repeal the duty off tea!" and then conceive, if you can, -what the intensity of that clamour would be when every one of those -12,000,000 tongues was a female tongue! We pronounce this omission a -terrible _lapsus linguæ_ on the part of the Wives and Daughters and -Grandmothers of England. Where, we ask, is Mrs. Ellis? that formidable -female champion of Great Britain. - -Let us suppose that this Utopia has arrived. Tea is free! Bohea has -burst its fiscal fetters, and the "best black" is emancipated from its -custom-house bonds. Now, it has been proved by every political economist -that the cheapening of an article always increases its consumption. What -oceans of tea then will be drank when the luxury can be procured at six -farthings a cup cheaper! "A dish of tea" will be magnified into a -soup-tureen; urns will swell into the size of beer-barrels; and a -tea-caddy will assume the dimensions of nothing smaller than a corn-bin. -The carts of "No. One, St. Paul's," will vie in grandeur with Barclay -and Perkins' drays; and John will be told to go down into the cellar "to -bring up another hogshead of the Best Sixpenny Mixed." Scandal, which, -next to the sloe, forms the principal ingredient in every brewing of -tea, will increase also in proportion to the consumption. No one's -reputation will be safe. It will be quite frightful to calculate the -dear innocents who will die the death of kittens in the "social cup," -and the innumerable characters that will be put into scalding water, and -scraped as clean as bitter-almonds, at every "_Thé Réunion!_" -Washer-women too—the greatest _trait_ in whose amphibious characters is -proverbially the tea-tray—will be in a state of celestial _scan. mag._ -all day, and will fine-draw their customers' respectability at the same -time that they mangle their linen. Female society, in short, will grow -into a species of Inhumane Society; and inquests will be held amongst -gentlemen after dinner on the lost reputation of their friends, and the -verdict will be "Felo-de-se at Mrs. Candour's Tea-party," or "Found -Drowned in a Teetotaller's slop-basin." Husbands of England! beware of -Cheap Tea, or else the sugar-tongs may be turned against you in the same -way that St. Dunstan treated a certain French gentleman by the nose. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration: - - A GOOD CUP OF TEA. (_WHEN THE DUTY IS TAKEN OFF_) -] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - LAYS OF MODERN BABYLON. - BY YOUNG WHAT D' Y' CALLY. - (AGED NINE YEARS AND A DAY.) - OLD MOTHER HUBBARD AND HER DOG. - - The ancient dame of Hubbard, - More ancient there are none, - Has hied her to her cupboard, - To fetch her dog a bone; - From shelf to shelf her eyeballs - Quickly and madly glare, - The cupboard of Dame Hubbard - Is desolate and bare. - Again, with eagle's vision, - She scans the wretched void; - She seeks a bone; but there is none, - And none that dog enjoyed. - - Now for a pleasant substitute - She racks her puzzled head, - And to the baker's darts she forth - To buy the dog some bread. - But presently returning - With all that she required, - The bread falls from her palsied hand— - Ha! ha! the dog's expired. - The mournful rights of sepulture - She hastens to fulfil; - And at an undertaker's - Incurs a heavy bill. - - A coffin she has purchased, - And madly rushes in; - Jupiter Gammon! there's the dog - Upon the broad, broad grin! - Bewilderment and pleasure - For mastery contend: - Dame Hubbard's startled by the dog - But glad to see the friend. - She fain would entertain him - With something to his wish; - To fetch some tripe, she gives a wipe - To a half dusty dish. - - Then, fleet of foot and gay of heart, - Returning with the tripe, - She dimly sees, through clouds of smoke, - Her dog behind a pipe. - But when did woman's patience - Fall overcome and dead? - Never while Mother Hubbard - Had heart, and heels, and head! - Off to the tavern straight she flew - For wine, drawn from the wood; - She brought it—and upon his head - The dog inverted stood. - - Untiring and undaunted, - A fruiterer she sought; - The fair and fragrant gooseberry, - The currants, too, she bought; - The strawberry, whose noble leaves - Of dukedom are the type; - The raspberry, which, like the mind, - Is long in getting ripe: - She bought them all, both great and small; - But entering with the fruit, - The sound of melody she heard— - The dog did play the flute. - - The dame was not insensible, - The music touched her heart; - He should have man's attire, said she, - Who plays a mortal part. - And acting on the impulse, - A tailor's shop she gained, - Where a paletot, lately register'd, - Was speedily obtained. - She had not reach'd her cottage door - (She carried still the coat) - When she beheld upon the green - Her dog, who rode a goat. - - Another mission, and the last, - Dame Hubbard doth perform; - A wig, she reason'd to herself, - Would keep the dog's head warm. - Then with the wig upon her arm - She towards her dog advanced, - And found him strangely occupied— - A jig he wildly danced. - Gay hose from the hosier she obtained, - A glass he stood before, - Wrapt in self-admiration - For his gay clothes he wore. - - When old men on the winter's night - Shall mix their pleasant grog, - And youth attempts its first cigar, - Think of Dame Hubbard's dog. - When the maiden of the household - For sweet repose prepares, - Taking the rushlight and the plate, - One in each hand, upstairs— - Think of the good Dame Hubbard, - And hope through life to jog - With a friend that's half as faithful - As her old eccentric dog. - - G. A. A'B. - - - DIFFICULT THINGS TO BE MET WITH ON THE - CONTINENT. - -A _table d'hôte_ without a single Smith. - -A monument that has not an English name upon it. - -A waiter at any of the hotels on the Rhine that does not sell -eau-de-Cologne. - -A bit of soap that can be persuaded to lather. - -A Frenchman on the field of the Battle of Waterloo. - -Two fine young Englishmen dining without champagne. - -A Dutchman on the top of the spire of Strasburg Cathedral. - -A Commissionaire, or a Conducteur, or a Portier, that has not served in -the Imperial Guard. - -A Frenchman speaking any language but his own, an Englishman that looks -happy, a German that looks clean, or a pig that has the slightest -resemblance to a Christian pig. - -The precise rule of arithmetic by which hotel bills, particularly in -Switzerland, are made out. - -An Irishman, a Welshman, and a Gascon travelling together. - -A party of English ladies the payment of whose luggage does not far -exceed their railway-fare. - -A looking-glass without a group of Frenchmen before it. - -A regular John Bull returning home who is not glad to get back again to -England. - - - ABSENTEES AND EMIGRANTS DURING 1847. - -LUCY NEALE has returned, after a sojourn of many months, to Ethiopia, -where it is to be hoped she will pass the remainder of her days. She was -accompanied by Mr. Daniel Tucker, Miss Mary Blane, a large _suite_ of -buffalo gals, and other sable bores. Specie to a very large amount was -carried off by Bones, and his numerous instruments. - -The TWELVE FLOUNCES which were conspicuous last year in the most -fashionable circles, and were seen everywhere dangling after the heels -of the finest ladies, have likewise left the shores of England. It has -been said they have been "tucked up" comfortably in France. - -The WOOD PAVEMENT has broken up its numerous establishments about town, -and is now nearly swept away from the surface of London. Wood has been -turned out of the city as well as Middlesex, though it was thought he -would have been returned at the head of the poll, so numerous were the -plumpers he received from the immense bodies of the corporation. He has -been dreadfully cut up lately, and has retired into private life, for no -one is better qualified to shine on the domestic hearth than Wood. When -he is in one of his lively sparkles, every one draws in a circle round -him, and even the coldest person holds out a hand to him, and is glad to -stir him up. - -TOM THUMB is at present in America, after having made his fortune in -England, like a pastrycook, by selling kisses. He was the first to start -the cheap _'busses_. He has lately been married to a dwarf. Barnum, his -keeper, says the marriage must be a happy one, for there can be no doubt -about wearing the breeches, since husband and wife only make up between -them - -[Illustration: - - "A PAIR OF SMALLS." -] - -THE BRITISH DRAMA.—It has gone no one knows where. It is at present an -absentee, but is expected to come before the public again shortly. -Rumour says it is on a visit to Mr. Macready. It could not have a better -guardian, for it is not the first time Mr. Macready has proved himself a -perfect host for the British Drama. The last accounts, however, were -that it was stopping at the Wells for the benefit of the waters, and -that it was so far improved in health as to be able to draw a very large -house. - -THE OLD PARLIAMENT.—It left England last July, after an unusually long -residence in London of seven years. It has left behind one -representative, called "Free Trade," now aged two years. According to -the latest inquiries, "it was doing as well as could be expected." - -ETON MONTEM.—For particulars of this absentee, please inquire at the -different masquerade shops. - - - THE UNIVERSAL SMASHER. - -"Smash" is a word peculiarly the property of the "Fast Man." We believe -it means to break, demolish, crush, annihilate. Like repudiation, it is -of American origin, for we recollect there is the elegant Yankee term, -"eternal smash." A "smasher," consequently, is one who smashes; and the -Universal Smasher is a young gentleman whose particular vocation and -amusement is to smash everything and everybody. - -We remember meeting with one, after the first night of a new comedy, at -a popular _café_, where the clever young wits of the day mostly -congregate to lay down the law for England upon fashion, literature, -cigars, royalty, casinos, metaphysics, ballet-girls, and morality. - -[Illustration] - -He attracted our notice first by speaking very loudly, and calling out, -in a voice as voluminous as the late lamented Mr. Toole's, "Waiter, -another bottle of ginger-beer!" It was not so much the order, as the -martial tone in which it was conveyed, that first awakened our -curiosity. We expected, at least, to see a giant. We turned round and -only found a pigmy. It was our wonder how so big a voice could find a -residence in so small a body. But if the voice was immense, what were -the sentiments that we afterwards heard emanate from the same lips! - -The poor author, whose piece but two minutes ago had been announced -amidst the greatest applause "for every night until further notice," was -declared to be "an impudent nobody." Every one of his brilliant jokes -was stolen; all his points, only points gained by cribbage. The young -gentleman before us traced the pedigree of every epigram, gave the -descent of each witticism, proved the birth of the plot, and established -beyond a doubt the parentage of each separate scene. "A comedy, sir! -It's no more a comedy than Joe Miller's a comedy. Dramatise a Jest Book— -give it a proverb for a title, and you will have a better comedy than -that. I tell you what it is, sir,—Jones must be smashed!" - -He had no sooner come to this decision than there sounded and resounded -a tremendous echo of long-repeated "hip-hip-hurrahs!" We inquired whence -they came. It was a supper-party upstairs commemorating the glorious -triumph of the evening. Poor Jones! he little thought that moment, when -probably he was returning thanks for his health, and was full of joy, -champagne, and the happy intoxication of success, that the decree had -just been irrevocably passed that "he must be smashed!" - -The conversation travelled on. Our unknown friend next criticised the -actors. One was "a stick," another a "pump;" the gentlemen were "muffs;" -the ladies something that may be conceived, but cannot be printed. The -unhappy manager even did not escape. "He had never seen a piece worse -put upon the stage. It would disgrace a penny theatre. By Heavens! he -would show him up—such a humbug must be smashed!" - -We looked with awe upon this wholesale "smasher." We trembled lest we -should be the next victim, and involuntarily curled ourselves up in the -dark corner of the box to avoid his destructive notice. - -A stranger who came in happened to lay upon the table a series of -engravings, which had just been published, and were selling, it was -reported, most extensively. "Excuse me, sir," he said, taking up one of -them; "I hope you've not been buying this rubbish? It is nothing but a -rank imitation of Hogarth—without any of his talent, execution, or -purpose. It is satire diluted to the weakest gin and water. The fellow -who has put his name to it deserves to be smashed, and I have a good -mind to do it." - -"In mercy, I hope, you will change your mind, sir," said the stranger, -rising and taking off his hat; "or at all events, that you will stop -till I have had my supper. You wouldn't smash a poor '_fellow_' with an -empty stomach, surely?" and he held out his hand with smiling -good-humour to his intended "smasher." - -The laugh went against the latter, and seemingly it did not sweeten much -the fine cordial spirit through which he viewed men and things. - -In the course of the general conversation "Macbeth" was mentioned. -"Macbeth!" he exclaimed; "a stupid, vulgar melodrama, only fit for the -Britannia Saloon. Why, it wouldn't succeed at the present day unless it -was brought out as a pantomime with plenty of blue fire. In my opinion, -Shakspeare is a tremendous do—I don't hesitate to say so—and I should -like uncommonly to smash him." - -Tennyson shortly afterwards was declared to be deserving of the same -fate. - -Byron also was a great mistake; Walter Scott, too, was no better, and -they ought both of them to be smashed. - -Shelley was an impudent pretender, and ought properly to have been -smashed long ago. By Jove, he'd do it some day! - -It was poor Goldsmith's turn next; but he relented, saying, with a -mutilated sigh, he was scarcely worth smashing. - -But Milton was "a ponderous take-in—a violent mistake." He was very good -for old women, no doubt, but as heavy as cold dumpling; and nothing but -sheer starvation could force him down his throat. He wished to Heaven -some one would smash him! - -Present authors were knocked on the head in the same heavy -pavior's-hammer style of criticism. Who was Dickens, pray? only an -inventory-taker! What was Bulwer? the hero of sixteen novels! James was -a drug—a perfect James's powder: Sheridan Knowles a Fitzball in blank -verse! And as for the ladies, they were all—poetesses, novelists, -political economists, and generous Newgate visitors—the whole Fry of -them, smashed indiscriminately of a heap! We wonder how so many of them -have survived. - -We never witnessed such cruel slaughter. It was a regular battle of -great men and noble characters. Everybody, no matter how high or low in -the world, was fair game for this Universal Smasher. His mouth was a -Perkins' steam-gun, firing a hundred small shot every minute. Papers and -periodicals were brought down by the same process of sharp-shooting. The -_Times_ ought decidedly to be smashed. It only wanted three good men to -do it;—he'd put his name down for one. The _Spectator_ was a block of -Wenham ice—not even fit for sherry-cobblers. The _Athenæum_ was an -immense _but_, that butted at everybody. The _Examiner_ bowstringed the -Queen's English, and strangled common-sense. And as for _Punch_, it was -a damp squib—that was fizzing, or attempting to fizz, every week; and -the sooner it was smashed the better! - -We felt uneasy in the presence of such a tremendous man. We longed to -possess the faculty of the telescope, and slide into our selves -one-sixth of our natural length. We felt confident, if we remained much -longer exposed to the blows of one who hit so hard, that we should -inevitably be smashed into such very small bits that if we were ever put -together again we should always be pointed at afterwards as the most -curious specimen of mosaic. A runaway engine in a crockery shop could -not create a greater feeling of alarm amongst the cups and saucers than -that infernal little smashing machine imparted to our fragile nature. We -need not say, therefore, how relieved we felt when a venerable bald head -in the room rose, and very quietly said, "Gentlemen, we have heard and -seen a deal of smashing to-night. Everybody, great and small, has been -smashed in his turn. Not a person, living or dead, has the slightest -reason to complain; they have all been smashed fairly and equally -together. Now, I only want to know, after our friend has smashed -everybody—which he must do if he goes on at the present rapid rate— -whatever will he do ultimately with himself?" - -"Oh! leave him alone," we could not help exclaiming; "he'll smash -himself!" - -There was a general laugh, and the Universal Smasher left the room, -giving us, as he passed us, such a look that we felt we were doomed. -That look clearly said—it pierced us like an arrow with a message tied -to it—"To be smashed in our next." We hope all benevolent souls will -pray for us! - -"Who is he?" we asked, as soon as we breathed again. - -"Don't you know?" said our neighbour, with the greatest astonishment. -"He's Brown!" - -"Who's Brown?" we inquired, in a faltering voice, and a cold shiver. - -"It's strange you never heard of Brown! He's the editor of the _Penny -Whistle_." - -"Oh, indeed!" - -We have inquired everywhere—we have offered any sum of money—we have -begged and prayed of newsvendors and friends, and bookstall-hunters, to -buy us, at any price, the _Penny Whistle_; but we have not seen yet that -fearful work of extermination. We now offer a reward of 100_l._, and our -blessing, to anybody who will send us a copy of it, no matter how dirty -it may be. We shall not be happy till we know positively whether we are -smashed or not! - - - THE RESPECTABLE MAN. - - A highly respectable Man - Is Iscariot Ingots, Esquire, - He's "Post Obits" on half the "Blue Book," - And a mortgage or two in each Shire; - And having more cash than he needs, - Why he lends to the poor all he can, - And only takes sixty per cent., - Like a highly respectable Man. - - He's his house like a nobleman's furnish'd, - His sideboard, too, blazing with plate, - And half silver, half gold, you'd declare - It belong'd to some peer of the State; - So it did—till he seiz'd it in payment - Of his sixty per centum per ann.; - And now he gives dinners to show it, - Like a highly respectable Man. - - His Father-in-law's an Attorney, - And his Brother a Dealer in Wine, - And his Brother-in-law's a Bum-bailiff, - And his Son in the Auctioneer line; - So first you've "half wine" for your Bills, - Then are sued, seiz'd, sold up by the Clan; - For he loves to assist his relations, - Like a highly respectable Man. - - For the Assurance of Lives he's an Office, - To make his small profits the more; - If you ask him to discount, he tells you - "For security you must insure." - Adding "all honest men ought to do so— - Besides it's so easy a plan, - And with something to leave on your death-bed, - You die _such_ a respectable Man." - - It is said he's a tyrant at home, - That the jewels his Wife has for show, - Were all of them salves for some wound— - That each diamond's heal'd up a blow; - That his Children, on hearing his knock, - To the top of the house always ran— - But with ten thousand pounds at his Banker's - He's _of course_ a respectable Man. - - Yet he's kindness itself to young "bloods," - And when Lordlings solicit his aid, - Why he talks like a Father, and asks - How is sixty per cent. to be paid? - Such extravagance really would ruin - The richest in all Hindostan; - But to serve them he'll do a "Post Obit" - Like a highly respectable Man. - - Still some "scoundrels" declare he's hardhearted - That he curses each beggar he meets— - That for rent he unhous'd his old Father, - And of want let him die in the streets. - Pooh! pooh! he subscribes every quarter - For the Mission'ries sent to Japan, - And if that doesn't make one respectable, - Why, what _is_ a respectable Man? - - Of Religion he well knows the value, - For he was the first of beginners - To run up a fashionable Chapel - For elegant "mis'rable sinners;" - And to hire a good-looking Parson - To tell Dowagers "life's but a span," - For he loves to serve both God and Mammon, - Like a highly respectable Man. - - His Daughter has married for love, - Though she'd offers from persons of Rank, - And "my Lady" at least might have been - With the money he had in the Bank; - But since she thought fit to disgrace him, - She may live in the best way she can, - So he leaves his own Daughter to starve, - Like a highly respectable Man. - - Then he makes a fresh will ev'ry quarter— - Or when he's a fit of "the blues"— - Or his Wife has offended him somehow— - Or some Son will not follow his views; - And he threatens to leave them all beggars, - Whene'er they come under his ban— - He'll bequeath all his wealth to an Hospital, - Like a highly respectable Man. - - - EVERY-DAY RECIPES. - BY A VERY FAST MAN. - -HOW TO GET A RIDE FOR NOTHING.—When you have reached your destination -you must scream out in a loud voice of alarm, "Hallo! stop—I've got into -the wrong omnibus," and rush out as quickly as you can, blowing up the -conductor for having brought you so much out of your way. - -[Illustration: - - "FULL INSIDE, SIR, BUT PLENTY OF ROOM ON THE TOP." -] - -HOW TO LIVE UPON NOTHING A-YEAR.—Get elected a Member of Parliament, and -you may contract as many debts as you please without paying one of them. - -HOW TO GET A DOZEN OF WINE FOR NOTHING.—Go to twelve different -wine-merchants, and get each of them to send you in a sample bottle. You -have only to say afterwards the wine isn't exactly to your taste—you -wanted a much fuller wine—and you may get another dozen by the same -means free of expense. - -HOW TO GET A GLASS OF WARM BRANDY AND WATER FOR NOTHING.—Fall in the -ice, and you will be carried to the Royal Humane Society's -establishment, and a glass of brandy and water will be given to you -directly. If you are very bad a second will be administered, and you -will be put to bed, and have a good "tuck in" into the bargain. - -HOW TO GET A LIBRARY FOR NOTHING.—Borrow books, and, of course, keep -them. - -HOW TO GET A LUNCHEON FOR NOTHING.—Look in at the auctions, and -patronize one where there is a sale of wine. Take a biscuit with you, -and you may have as many glasses of port or sherry as you please. Just -make a small bid now and then, for recollect Homer sometimes nodded. - -HOW TO HAVE YOUR PORTRAIT TAKEN FOR NOTHING.—Just fight a duel, or run -away with somebody's wife, and your portrait is sure to be given in one -of the illustrated papers. - -HOW TO DRESS FOR NOTHING.—Go to an advertising tailor, and get him to -take out your clothes in poetry. The same with your hatter, bootmaker, -and hosier. Your poetry must be very poor stuff if you cannot get a suit -of clothes out of it, and its feet must be lame indeed if they do not -afford you a pair of Wellingtons. - - - CURIOUS SUMS FOR THE CALCULATING MACHINE. - BY JOLLY COCKER. - -Calculate the number of English ladies who understand French thoroughly; -can read it, but cannot speak it. - -Deduct the amount that has been lost at railways from that which has -been made by them, and state what article of value the difference (if -any) will purchase. - -The ages of seven elderly ladies amount in their passports to 148; find -out their real ages. - -Ten friends of Green sit down to play at unlimited loo, and 93_l._ are -lost before the morning. Everybody declares he has lost. You are to find -out, if you can, which of the party has won? - -The population of the earth is 800,000,000. Required to find one person -who will mind his own business. - -Thompson (of the Albany) pays 12_l._ annually for income-tax. His cigars -cost him as much; his opera-stall four times as much; his horse six -times as much; and his gloves, bouquets, bets, and tiger ten times as -much. What is Thompson's real income? - -A carpet-bag of an ordinary capacity will hold two coats, three pairs of -trousers, one dressing-case, one pair of boots, six shirts, two night -ditto, three pairs of stockings, six collars, and one dressing-gown. -These articles can be put into it with perfect ease when you are going -to make a week's stay in the country. How much will the same carpet-bag -contain if you are going to Boulogne for an indefinite period? - -Solomons buys a diamond ring for 1_l._ He sells it, and loses "thirty -shillings, by Gosh, by it." He buys it again, and sells it at another -loss of 2_l._ How much does Solomons make by the ring? - -Your tailor applies for money; "He has a little bill to take up." There -are 30,000 tailors in London. What is the sum total of all the little -bills they have to take up in the course of the year? - -A "Triumphant Success" averages generally from 5_l._ to 5_l._ 17_s._ -6_d._; "Crowded Houses" hold 6_l._; "Overflowing Audiences" will bring -in as much as 8_l._ 12_s._ How much is a "Blaze of Triumph" worth? - -The two Doves are always quarrelling. Mrs. Dove is very ill-tempered, -and Mr. Dove very obstinate. He will smoke cigars at home—will stir the -fire with the bright poker—will bring friends home late to supper—will -whistle; all of which practices Mrs. Dove abominates. She remonstrates; -Mr. Dove retaliates. A tiff ensues; and Mrs. Dove goes home to her -mother. Ascertain the mean difference between them; and state the amount -which Dove has to pay every year in diamonds, boxes to the opera, new -velvet gowns, and trips out of town. - - * * * * * - - Why are the Protectionists like walnuts? - Because they are very troublesome to _Peel_. - - - ANECDOTES OF SCIENCE. - PERFECTLY ORIGINAL. - -STAYS were first invented by a brutal butcher of the thirteenth century -as a punishment for his wife. She was very loquacious; and finding -nothing would cure her, he put a pair of stays on her in order to take -away her breath, and so prevent, as he thought, her talking. This cruel -punishment was inflicted by other husbands, till at last there was -scarcely a wife in all London who was not condemned to wear stays. The -punishment became so universal at last that the ladies in their own -defence made a fashion of it, and so it has continued to the present -day. - -BERLIN GLOVES.—The custom of servants wearing Berlin gloves at dinner -was introduced by Sir Jonas Bullock in 1811. He had a favourite black -servant who used always to wait at dinner. The Lady Mayoress was dining -with him one Sunday, and she had occasion to call for some blanc-mange. -His black servant brought it to her, when his large black thumb by the -side of the blanc-mange had such a shock upon her ladyship's feelings -that she fainted away and was carried home to the Mansion House in a -state of great danger. She never rallied. Sir Jonas was so hurt by this -melancholy event that he insisted upon his servants for the future -always wearing Berlin gloves when they waited at table; and from this -the fashion was introduced at Devonshire House, and then at Court. - -MUFFINS.—We know very little of muffins previous to Johnson's time. They -are supposed to have been invented by a Scotch physician, who was -attached to the _suite_ of a German Count who came over with George I. -He gave the recipe for nothing to a baker, on condition of his providing -him with the address of all his customers. The bargain was faithfully -carried out. The physician died extremely rich, and the baker also. -Crumpets and Life Pills were likewise their invention. - -BONNETS were made, only fifty years ago, by a French milliner who was -exceedingly ugly. The _gamins_ used to follow her, and laugh at her, -calling her nose, which was very large, the most ridiculous names. This -annoyed the poor milliner, and she invented the bonnet to escape their -ribaldry. The disguise was so effectual that every Frenchwoman who was -no prettier than herself was glad to adopt it. Those who were not ugly -formed such a small minority that whenever they appeared they were sure -to monopolize all the notice and gallantry of the gentlemen. This -exposed them to the sarcasms and envy of their own sex, till they were -compelled at last to assume the same hideous style of head-dress. The -marvel is that the fashion should ever have become popular in England. - -CURRANT-JELLY was first eaten with hare in 1715. There were no potatoes -at table, when the Duchesse de Pentonville (then an emigrant), asked -what there was. "Nothing but confitures," was the reply of the _maître -d'hotel_. "Bring me the confitures, then," said the lively Duchesse; and -she selected the currant-jelly, much to the amusement of all the nobles -present. The king, however, hearing of this, ordered hare for dinner, -purposely to try it with the currant-jelly, and he liked it so well that -he continued it for six days together; and so the currant-jelly spread -all over London till it became an established fashion in the best -English society. - -ELECTRICITY.—Franklin brought down the lightning with a kite; but this -stroke, wonderful as it is, is nothing compared to the daring flight of -a Mr. Prettiman in the month of September last. After various trials, a -few generous friends having supplied him with rope enough, he succeeded, -by some great attraction, in bringing down 154_l._ 17_s._ 2½_d._, simply -by flying a little kite in the city; and this, too, was achieved at a -time when there was the greatest difficulty in raising the wind, and -there was scarcely a penny stirring anywhere. He has since tried the -experiment, but it has failed every time, owing, it is reported, to his -paper being a little too flimsy. - -TRIUMPH OF MAGNETISM.—Dr. Ell—ts—n declared, that by magnetizing a -person he could make him see most clearly the interior of himself. The -Marquis of L—nd—nd—y called, and insisted upon a trial upon himself; no -other proof, he declared, would satisfy him that mesmerism wasn't a -hollow humbug. Accordingly he was put into the most beautiful state of -coma. "Now look into your head," said the Doctor, "and tell me what do -you see?" "See?" answered the magnetized patient; "why, stuff and -nonsense! I see nothing at all." "Look again." "It's quite useless: I -tell you there's nothing in it." The Marquis was quite furious when told -the result of the experiment; but he consoles himself with the -reflection that there is a great deal more in mesmerism than meets the -eye. The talented Doctor has since favoured us with the following -aphorism:— - - "In ridiculing a science, a man cannot look too deeply into his own - head before he declares that there is nothing in it." - - - BEWARE. - -Beware of a man who travels with a pair of duelling pistols. - -Beware of a young lady who calls you by your Christian name the first -time she meets you. - -Beware of port at 30_s._ a dozen. - -Beware of a lodging-house where you are "treated as one of the family." - -Beware of every "cheap substitute for silver," excepting gold. - -Beware of cigars that are bought of "a bold smuggler" in the street. - -Beware of a wife that talks about her "dear husband," and "_that_ -beautiful shawl" in her sleep. - -Beware of a gentleman who is "up" to all the clever tricks, and "knows a -dodge or two," at cards. - -Beware of giving an order to a deaf man on the first night of a new -piece. He is sure to laugh and applaud in the wrong places, and so cause -a disturbance which may be fatal to the success of your farce. - -Beware of entering a French shop which has the following inscription:— - - "HERE THEY SPIKE THE ENGLISH," - -unless you can speak French very correctly, or are prepared to pay for -the consequences. - - - MATRIMONIAL WEATHER TABLE; - TO BE HUNG UP IN ALL PANTRIES AND SERVANTS' HALLS. - - _Constructed by a Butler of twenty-nine years' standing behind his - Master's - and Missus's chair._ - -[Illustration] - - ───────────────────────┬───────────────────────┬─────────────────────── - Causes of Change. │ Indications. │ Results and Dreadful - │ │ Consequences. - ───────────────────────┼───────────────────────┼─────────────────────── - Cold meat for dinner │Very Sharp and Cutting;│A visit, directly after - │ dead calm; horizon │ dinner, to the club - │ very black │ - │ │ - Money for the │Very Stormy; repeated │The puddings are cut - housekeeping: weekly │ thunderstorms about │ off, and the - expenses produced │ 10 a.m.; violent │ servants' beer - │ explosion at │ - │ "Sundries" │ - │ │ - A proposal to go up the│NNNNNNNO, or │A trip to Ramsgate or - Rhine, or to Baden │NNNNNNNO │ Broadstairs, and - Baden │ │ master goes down on - │ │ Saturdays and returns - │ │ on Mondays - │ │ - Hint of an evening or │Extremely Close: heavy │The old Mr. and Mrs. - dinner party │ clouds on master's │ Glumpy are asked to - │ brow; gloomy │ dinner, and the - │ depression; mistress │ Misses and young Mr. - │ and the young ladies │ Glumpy and a few - │ Rainy │ friends are asked to - │ │ drop in in the - │ │ evening - │ │ - A box for the Opera │The same, with │Tickets for the - │ additional closeness │ Horticultural, or - │ │ seats taken at the - │ │ Lyceum - │ │ - No one down to │Regular Storm, blowing │Missus unwell; cannot - breakfast at 10 │ up everybody, and │ come down to - o'clock to make tea │ which makes the bells│ breakfast; the young - │ ring all over the │ ladies "suddenly - │ house │ indisposed," and do - │ │ not show themselves; - │ │ master goes out, and - │ │ slams the door fit to - │ │ shake the house down - │ │ - Boys home for the │Unsettled; continual │Repeated thrashings - holidays │ hurricane for six │ - │ weeks │ - │ │ - New baby, or a new pair│Squally and changeable │Dines out; home very - of boots │ │ late. (Let him take - │ │ care to whom it falls - │ │ to pull off master's - │ │ boots on a night like - │ │ this!) - │ │ - Dividend day │Fair │Theatre; oysters for - │ │ supper (perhaps); a - │ │ new bonnet - │ │ - Series of │High wind; very Stormy;│Nervous headache; - contradictions │ air charged with │ mistress Nervous - │ thunder │ headache; mistress - │ │ dines in her bedroom; - │ │ no pudding for - │ │ dinner, or dessert - │ │ - Taxes │Foul; every symptom of │Finding fault with - │ a Storm, but carried │ everything; cook - │ off towards the │ blown up for dinner, - │ evening by a timely │ and one or two - │ cheque │ servants discharged - │ │ - Washing day │Very Rainy, pours │Master dines at club; - │ buckets from morning │ not home till late; - │ to night; up to your │ smokes a cigar in the - │ ankles in water │ evening; mistress - │ │ faints - │ │ - Grand dinner party │Sharp, Frosty, and │Abusing the servants, - │ Unsettled in the │ and counting the - │ morning; very Hot │ spoons, and running - │ before dinner; │ through the guests as - │ exceedingly Fair at │ soon as they are - │ dinner; pointing to │ gone. Cold meat next - │ Wet after, and │ day, carried off with - │ frequent Storms │ pickles - │ towards 12 p.m. │ - │ │ - Grand evening party │Strange singing in the │Nothing but - │ ears and dancing │ barley-sugar temples - │ before the eyes all │ for breakfast, and - │ night; curious noises│ blanc-manges for - │ over head, and a │ dinner for days - │ fearful famine that │ afterwards - │ devours everything │ - │ about 1 a.m.; blows │ - │ dreadful │ - │ cornet-a-pistons till│ - │ the next morning │ - -GENERAL OBSERVATIONS.—When it is Fair, the servants or guests in the -house can move about with the greatest safety; but if it is at all -Cloudy, or the weather looks in the least Unsettled, then he had better -look twice at the above table before he takes the smallest step, or else -he will have the matrimonial storm breaking over his head. If missus is -out, then the atmosphere is generally Fair; but it is invariably Stormy -when master goes out and does not come home for dinner. If master and -missus are both in, look out for a change or a sudden squall; and the -eyes of missus will probably point to Wet. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - THE GULL. - - Oh, the London Gull is a curious bird, - He'll believe of an omnibus cad the word; - And if for Brixton he is bound, - In a Chelsea _bus_ he will be found, - Oh, the rare old Gull, with a rare old quill, - For a rare old friend will accept a bill; - And, it's rather superfluous to say - That the Gull the bill will have to pay. - The Gull, to free him from human ills, - Will gulp down boxes of Holloway's pills; - And will rub his hair three times a-day - With stuff to prevent it from turning grey. - He is right; for, to give the stuff its due, - It turns the hair not grey but blue. - Oh, the Gull, in the course of his ev'ning walk, - When he sees a fellow with face of chalk, - Standing beneath a gas-light's glare, - And looking the picture of meek despair, - With a well-brush'd coat of rusty black, - A child in each hand and three at his back, - With pinafores clean, and little white caps, - Will give the scoundrel sixpence, perhaps. - For the Gull don't know that the pallid cheek - Is cleverly lin'd with the whitening's streak; - And the Gull is equally blind to the fact - That the children have all maturity's tact - In assuming the looks of want and woe— - That, in fact, their business well they know. - The Gull will often go to the play, - Where for the dress-circle he'll blandly pay, - And will credit the boxkeeper's whisper low, - That the places are taken in every row; - But he thinks one vacancy he may find - If the Gull to fee him should feel inclin'd. - When, of course, the obliging Gull is willing - To pay the myrmidon a shilling; - And finds himself, when the evening's gone, - In a front seat sitting all alone. - For, strange is the fact, that all who pay - For taking front seats remain away. - Oh, the fine old Gull, when the fact he reads - Of a tradesman who twenty sovereigns needs, - And thrice the security offers to lodge, - Is instantly caught by the rare old dodge, - And lends the sum on an—I O U, - With a pawnbroker's duplicate or two. - But the twenty pounds, when he comes to claim, - He finds how worthless the tradesman's name; - And when with the duplicates off he goes - To the pawnbroker's shop, they the fact disclose, - That the documents all are forged—odd zounds! - By the tradesman who wanted the twenty pounds. - And of everything making a similar mull, - Quite ruin'd at last is the rare old Gull. - - - THE DOMESTIC SERVANTS' EARLY CLOSING - MOVEMENT. - -A great domestic movement is in agitation, which, it is expected, will -convulse the social fabric from the area upwards, and shake our -households, not only to their centres, but to the very top of our -chimney-pots, our weathercocks, and our cowls. The contemplated measure -is a demand on the part of our domestic servants for a general early -closing of all private houses at eight o'clock, so that after that hour -the cooks, housemaids, nursery-maids, and others in our establishments -may go forth in search of moral and intellectual recreation in the open -air. It is argued, and with a considerable show of justice, that after -cooking our dinners, and washing up our tea-things, the female servant -has a right to go and get her mind cultivated, and her tastes elevated, -or, as it were, put in soak in the fountain of the Muses, to be rinsed, -and send forth its gushings when fitting opportunity might offer. - -The Domestic Early Closing Movement will entail on the masters the -necessity of limiting their wants, and allowing none to extend beyond -eight P.M., which it is contended will be found quite long enough for -all reasonable purposes. - -The moral and intellectual training will generally be commenced by the -policeman on the beat, but as boldness increases, the domestic servant -may venture to improve her mind at some of the harmonic meetings in the -neighbourhood of her master's residence. Adjacent barracks will be -particularly sought after for the culture which it is the object of the -Female Servants' Early Closing Movement to obtain. - - - A PRIZE BAD JOKE. - -A gentleman of fortune having offered a prize of 100_l._ for the best -bad joke, we beg he will send the money immediately to Mr. Bogue's, as -we challenge the world to produce a better worse joke than the -following:— - -Why is a cab-stand, the horses of which have the new Patent Inflated -Horse Collars, likely to be serviceable to ballooning? - -Because it is the latest improvement in _air-'os-station_! - -(_Three cheers, boys! hip! hip! hurrah!_) - - - MATERIALS FOR AN IRISH SPEECH. - -"Saxon—oppression—moral force—dagger—forefathers—revenge—first gem of -the sea—trampled upon—oh!—finest peasantry—Cromwell—slaughter—Erin's -daughters—blood boil—ah! cruelty—debt of 80,000,000—robbery—sacrilege -for 500 years—tyranny—be Irishmen—assert yourselves—pikes—iron bars on -the railways—moral force—be patient—repeal—hereditary bondsmen would you -be free?—pay in your subscriptions"—(_tremendous cheering!_) - -By filling in any ordinary words to make a kind of grammatical sense of -the above (though that is not absolutely necessary), an excellent -Conciliation Hall speech, or a Monster Meeting harangue, inculcating -peace, quiet, and content, in the true Irish incendiary fashion, may be -produced during any month of the year, but if it is in the depth of the -winter, the effect, of course, is considerably stronger.—N.B. Patriots' -materials made up in the same way on the shortest notice. - - - SWEET ARE THE USES OF TEARS. - -A German chemist has discovered this year that there is sugar in tears. -We have been told by poets that there is "sweetness in all things," but -we little thought that it lurked in the corner of every squint. We -always thought that crying was a sign rather of a sour disposition, but -according to this new discovery it would seem that the more a lady cries -the more her temper is sweetened by it. By-the-bye, hysterics must be -invaluable to a cook on board wages who has to find her own sugar! What -a lump of sweetness, too, Niobe must have been,—for she was "all tears." -To a grocer of the present day she would have been invaluable, for she -would have supplied him all the year round with "the very best moist." - - - COPY-BOOK TEXTS FOR YOUNG AUTHORS JUST - BEGINNING TO WRITE. - -Far-fetched puns corrupt good jokes. - -Hate a Scotticism as you would a Printer's Devil. - -Beware of Irish mad bulls. - -There's many a slip between the MS. and the tip. - -Whatever is, don't write. - -One purchaser is worth a dozen pressmen. - -The best proof of a work is in the selling. - -If you wish to know all the errors in your book, get a friend to review -it. - -Persons who write to see their names in print should recollect that a -hundred cards only cost five shillings! - -There's but one step from the publisher's to the butter-monger's. - -Paternoster Row is the beginning of Amen Corner. - -Never pause for a word as long as there is "Finis." - -[Illustration: - - EXTRAORDINARY FLIGHT OF LADY BIRDS ON THE SEA COAST. -] - - - SEA-SIDE ENTOMOLOGY. - - - THE LADY BIRD. - -An extraordinary flight of Lady Birds distinguished the annals of -Margate and Ramsgate last year. They covered the coast for miles, -extending all the way to Herne Bay, and even as far as Gravesend. They -are supposed to have been brought from London, as the decks of the -steamers were completely strewed with them. The piers at all the -watering-places, the hotels, the tea-gardens, the shrimp-parlours, were -immediately occupied, and it was a matter of difficulty, soon after -their arrival, to find a single bed empty. The inhabitants foolishly -imagine that these Lady Birds commit a deal of injury, and they do -everything they can to drive them away from the place. They lay traps in -the windows to catch them, consisting of a piece of pasteboard, on which -is inscribed a charm, of two simple words, "TO LET;" or sometimes it is -only one word, as "TOLETT." Directly the Lady Bird sees this, she knocks -at the door, and flies into the house; but when once she is inside, she -is subject to all the little persecutions which, since the sea-side was -discovered, have been showered upon the poor race of Lady Birds. She is -teased out of her life; she is not allowed to eat anything in comfort; -her meals are taken away from her; till at last her whole enjoyment is -poisoned, and she is glad to wing her way back again to London. -Naturalists, however, have proved that the Lady Birds do incalculable -good to every spot where they settle. Broadstairs has been built by -their pretty exertions. Erith has been raised by them out of the sand; -and Rosherville would never have been dug out of a chalk-pit if it had -not been for the swarms of Lady Birds! It is true they buzz terribly, -and make a great noise whenever more than two of them appear together; -but this defect is more than counterbalanced by their gay colours, which -resemble the richest silks and satins; and their dazzling appearance, -which sparkles with all the force of diamonds when viewed by -candle-light. Nothing prettier than to watch an assembly of them in the -evening. They crowd at the libraries; they fill the ball-rooms, where -they mimic the movements of the waltz; they throng Tivoli and St. -Peter's, where the fireworks are not more brilliant than they; they -sing, and dance, and laugh, and do everything like human creatures, but -reason. And these are the poor little harmless creatures whom the -inhabitants of the different watering-places delight in persecuting. -Why, they carry gaiety and happiness wherever they appear; and as for -hurting anybody, there is not a sting amongst a whole townful of them. - -It is a fiction to suppose that the age of the Lady Bird can be told by -the marks on her back. This provision on the part of nature would in -fact be quite superfluous, for it is very curious that no Lady Bird at -the sea-side is ever less than fourteen, or more than eighteen. - -The Lady Bird visits the watering-places generally about June, and stops -there till the winter. The first gale blows them back again to London, -where they pass the foggy months in the various shops, theatres, and -ball-rooms. When Tom Thumb was in town, an extraordinary flight of Lady -Birds might be seen every day at the Egyptian Hall. - - - THE MARINE APHIS VASTATOR. - -Very different to the Lady Bird is the _Aphis Vastator_, or commonly -known as the _Sea-side Lodging-house keeper_. It is a most ravenous -tribe, to be met with at all watering-places. It will eat through -anything. It has consumed, before now, a week's provisions in a day. It -is always seeking somebody to devour. These vastators, or rather -devastators, live mostly on the poor Lady Birds, who suffer dreadfully -from their depredations. A Lady Bird, who has taken a lodging in the -morning, has repeatedly been eaten out of house and home before the -evening, and been obliged to fly for safety. Nothing escapes the fangs -of the Marine Lodging-house keeper. It will work its way into locked -drawers, and runs through a tea-caddy with as much ease as if it had the -key. It will clear a trunk in a day, and empty a work-box whilst the -Lady Bird is taking a plunge in the sea. Its fangs are so constructed -that they close directly on everything they touch; and their eyes are so -sharp that they protrude into every letter and parcel that comes into -the house. What they do not consume they hide; what they cannot hide -they destroy or else give away; for the male _Devastator_ is just as -nimble as the female, though he is rarely seen. He comes the last thing -at night, and is off the first thing in the morning; walking off -probably—for he has very long legs—with a coat, or a pair of trousers -that was found lying about in your portmanteau. - -The _Aphis_ has generally a large brood of little _Aphises_, which she -rears in the back kitchen. They all partake of their mother's nature. -They crawl about the house in search of stockings and frocks, and from -their small size can creep almost into anything. Their appetites, too, -are almost superhuman. They will lift the lid of a rump-steak pie, which -has been left on the landing-place, and, in less time than you can drink -a glass of wine, they will have abstracted every bit of meat out of it. -If they settle on a leg of mutton they will not leave it before they -have picked it clean to the bone. In fact, their skill in polishing a -bone would fill you with wonder, if nothing else. They shrink from no -pastry; and the largest tart does not appal them. Their powers of -suction, too, are just as great. A bottle is no sooner put upon the -table than it is empty; and if there were twenty bottles they would go -through every one of them, and the stronger the contents the easier the -absorbing process seems to be! - -[Illustration: - - Evidence of the Marine Blight on a Leg of Mutton. -] - -When the winter comes round the _Aphis Devastator_ looks over her -stores, and begins to count if her provisions will last her till the -summer. Her coals are put away into the cellar; her wine and spirits are -arranged in the different cupboards; her candles are measured out; and -everything placed upon the save-all system. Woe to her young then, if -she catches one of them lifting the lid of a pie, and helping himself to -the solids or fluids within! The chances are she would eat him up on the -spot. The husband's appetite, too, is put upon a reduced scale, and he -is only allowed a glass of grog when there has been stuffing for dinner, -or when another _Aphis_ drops in. The voracity of the whole family is -kept under during the winter, but then it breaks out with all the -greater fury afterwards. The legs and shoulders of the first lodger of -the season generally feel this pretty sharply. He has not a joint which, -after the first day, he can call his own. A blight invariably follows; -for whatever the _Aphis Vastator_ touches is sure to go immediately. - -It is difficult to describe the _Aphises_ externally, for they take up -so wonderfully quick the habits of each new lodger that they are always -changing. - - - YOUR ROOM IS PREFERRED TO YOUR COMPANY. - AN IMAGINARY CONVERSATION OVERHEARD IN BAKER STREET. - -_Mrs. Armytage, the greatest woman in the world (ringing the bell at -Madame Tussaud's)_—"Oh, if you please, madam, I have called to inquire -if you wanted a 'magnificent addition?'" - -_Madame T._—"No, thank you; we're quite full." - -_Mrs. A._—"You might find a spare corner, madam." - -_Madame T._—"A spare corner? Why, bless me, my good woman, you wouldn't -have me turn out the 'Royal Family' to accommodate you!" - - - BACON'S NOVUM ORGANUM. - -What is the greatest obstacle to Jews sitting in Parliament? - -The extraordinary quantity of _gammon_ they must swallow. - - * * * * * - -ADVICE TO PERSONS TBOUT TO MARRY.—Never attempt to buy furniture at a -sale, _excepting on a Saturday_, for on that day only are the sale-rooms -freed from the Jews, whose countenances never appear as at an auction so -particularly _forbidding_. - - - THE CHEMIST'S CAT. - -[Illustration: M^R. CELSUS PHIPPS] was a chemist, not one of your -ordinary men, who put their trust in huge coloured glass bottles, and -drive a large trade in lozenges. No, Phipps was an experimental chemist, -and he acquainted the public with the fact by means of an inscription to -that effect over his door, while he confirmed the neighbours in the -belief by occasional explosions more or less violent. On one occasion he -went so far as to blow the roof off his house, but that, he said, "was -an accident." Moreover, Phipps was a licentiate of Apothecaries' Hall, -and jobbed the paupers at 1½d. a head, including pills and plasters. Mr. -Phipps's establishment was evidently the home for natural philosophy. -Experiments abandoned by every one else were eagerly sought after by -Phipps; and he had a valuable auxiliary in his cat. - -When science slumbered, the cat might be seen comfortably dozing on the -door-step; but when anything new in medicine or chemistry turned up, the -cat had an active life of it. The poor thing had taken poison enough to -kill hundreds of rich husbands, and antidotes sufficient to restore -double the number. It had a stomach-pump kept for its especial use. You -might generally guess when anything extraordinary had happened, by -missing the cat from its usual place, and seeing Dick, Mr. Phipps's boy, -who had the job of holding it during the experiments, with slips of -diachylon plaster all over his face and hands. It had become familiar -with prussic acid and arsenic in all their insinuating forms, and had -some slight knowledge of the smaller operations of surgery; still it -went purring about, and was always at hand on an emergency, ready to -have any drug tested on its person. Phipps was proud of it. "My cat, -Tom, sir," he would say, "has done more for its fellow animal, man, than -all the philanthropists that ever taught people to be discontented." - -All went on smoothly till the introduction of ether, when Phipps -determined to see if he could extract a tooth from a person under its -influence. The cat, of course, was to be the especial patient. Dick was -summoned, Tom caught, the ether administered, and Phipps selected one of -the largest tusks. But the ether could not have taken proper effect; -for, with a frightful yell, Tom freed himself from Dick's grasp, -favouring him at the same time with severe marks of his esteem, which -made him roar, and disappear, _à la Harlequin_, through the plate-glass -window, doing immense damage to the chemicals and Galenicals displayed -therein. - -But Tom soon came back, for no one would have him. Science, who labels -some men F.R.S.'s, or tags half the alphabet to the end of their names, -had not forgotten to mark her humble follower, the cat. He had lost one -ear in some acoustic experiment; one eye was closed for ever, from -having the operation for squinting practically illustrated some dozen -times; and he was lame in one of his hind legs, the tendon having been -cut to exemplify the method of operating for club-foot; while his coat, -once remarkably glossy, had such a second-hand, seedy appearance that it -would not have tempted a Jew. - -At last he died, a martyr to science. Phipps had invented some wonderful -pulmonic lozenge, containing a great deal of morphia, which was to cure -coughs at first sight. Tom had been rather asthmatic for some time, -owing to inhaling noxious gases; so Phipps gave him a good dose to begin -with. Next morning he was found very fast asleep, and extremely rigid in -his limbs. Dick suggested that he was dead, but his master indignantly -repudiated the idea; so Tom was kept, in the full expectation that he -would one day start up quite lively, till at length the moth got into -his coat, and Phipps was compelled to consign his furry friend to a -grave in the garden. Phipps never had his usual spirits again. His -experiments were at an end; for though he would sometimes furtively -introduce some drug or other into Dick's tea or beer, that young -gentleman soon found it out, and took his meals ever afterwards with his -mother, who was the proprietress of a veal-and-ham pie depôt in an -adjacent court. Phipps wanders about the College of Surgeons a -melancholy man, and amuses himself dreaming over experiments he would -perform if he could only get such another cat! He is not best pleased -however, when he meets any young friend of Dick's, who violates private -confidence by running after him and inquiring at the very top of his -voice, "Who killed the cat?" - - - HUNTING AN HEIR. - - MY DEAREST ELIZA, - -Our pretty little pack of Belgrave Square Harriers had their first -winter meeting on Thursday last at Lady Hurtleberry's. - -It is impossible to conceive a more desirable place for the sport of -their hunting than her Ladyship's. The gorgeous rose-coloured damask -hangings give the finest possible tone to the complexion, the -purple-flowered _tapis_ sets off the foot to the greatest advantage, -whilst a grand piano by BROADWOOD, and a harp by ERARD, afford the most -convenient opportunities for the display of accomplishments. - -The "meet" took place at nine o'clock precisely, and a better "room" -could not be desired. - -As each member of the Hunt keeps her own harriers at "Walk," the first -Meeting is always interesting from the number of new "drafts." In -addition, therefore, to those harriers that hunted last season, with all -of whom you are well acquainted, the following new entries were made:— - -Lady Browbeater's Lucy Jane; "too short in the head," to my fancy. - -The Hon. Mrs. Rattletrap's Julia Rose; a lively creature, and "gives -tongue" beautifully. - -Mrs. Major Fubbs's Clementina Louisa; very dumpy and dull—sure to be -"latter'd." - -Mrs. General Rowdedow's Lucidora; all that heart could wish—fine nose, -capital mouth, splendid chest, and a forehand and arm of perfect -symmetry. - -There were one or two others introduced during the evening, but none of -them possessed the necessary qualifications for the Belgrave Square -Harriers. "The beaters" upon this occasion had been my brother Charles, -whose Captaincy, by purchase, depends upon my being eligibly married off -papa's hands; young Musparrot, similarly circumstanced; and old Major -Muggs with four daughters, aged respectively twenty-six, twenty-eight, -twenty-nine, and thirty. - -[Illustration: - - THE HEIR-PRESUMPTIVE OF GREASE. -] - -They had great fears at one time that our first meet would prove -"blank," as they had beat up all the clubs during September and October -without "pricking" an Heir either apparent or presumptive. Major Muggs -had the good fortune to hit upon a track at last, and a finer specimen I -never saw during my short experience. Five feet eleven, Roman nose, -D'Orsay whiskers, and said to be worth twelve thousand a year when of -age in January next. He was found lying in some elegantly furnished -apartments in the Albany, sitting on a beautiful form of velvet. As soon -as he made his appearance in the enclosure at Lady Hurtleberry's the -pack was laid on. Amelia Frog-morton "challenged" first; I, you may be -sure, was not slow in answering her. - -The Heir first made for a _Polka Quadrille_, closely waited on by -Amelia, with myself for a _vis-à-vis_. Having got as far as _Pastorale_, -he "doubled" round by the piano, Mary Warbleton having "turned him" by -Jenny Lind's _Ran tan plan_, from _Il Figlia del Regimento_. He then -"took away" to the card room, but being "headed" by my brother Charles, -who was purposely stationed in the doorway, he made for the harp, where -I pressed him very hard with _Bochsa's Fancies_. He doubled again, and -ran straight to the supper-room, closely followed by the entire pack, -but the champagne coming on pretty briskly, Lady Hurtleberry thought it -right to "call us off" for the evening, the Heir being ultimately bagged -by the Major and Musparrot, and carried to the —— Club; for what purpose -I leave you to guess. The Heir has been "turned down" twice since, and -already shows symptoms of distress. I have not the least doubt that in a -short time longer, _I_, yes _I_, my dear Eliza, shall have the pleasure -(but this is _entre nous_) of introducing you to a real juggled heir. - -By-the-bye, I must send you a copy of a song written by that rattlepate -Rattletraps. It is to the air of - - "Bright chanticleer proclaims the morn." - - Bright chandeliers the room adorn, - Each thing's arranged with care, - And gayest smiles and silks are worn - This night to catch the Heir. - With a heigho! Letty! - Hark forward, you forward Miss Betty - To-night we hunt the He-e-e-i-r— - To-night we hunt the Heir! - - Poor Heir! you feel our sport a bore, - We read it in your face; - If you'll propose to one—no more, - You'll find us give you chase. - With a sigh from Letty! - Or forward, too forward Miss Betty! - No more we'll hunt the He-e-e-i-r— - No more we'll hunt the Heir! - - - THE LANGUAGE OF VEGETABLES. - -We do not think there is in the whole history of letters anything more -beautiful than the two following specimens. Any one acquainted with the -vegetable vocabulary cannot fail to be touched deeply by them. - -The first was addressed to Sigismond by his devoted wife -Toot-sichfootsich, when he was imprisoned by Kalbskopf II. in the -impregnable fortress of Dummerkerl, in the Spitzbübe mountains, in -Moldavia. - -The originals, and the monuments of Sigismond's wonderful escape, are -still preserved, with the greatest reverence, by the proud descendants -of his wife's noble family. Admirers of conjugal affection have been -known to journey to the Spitzbübe Mountains purposely to look at them. -The first letter was scratched with a pin on a large cabbage leaf, and -sent into the castle wrapped round a pound of butter:— - -"Beloved Greens!—Dry thy Onions. There is Cabbage in the horizon. -Suppress thy Spinage, there's a darling Bean. Support thy Haricots with -Beetroot, and never let young Radish leave thy dear Asparagus. May -Pickled Gherkins watch over thee, and Early Peas strew Mashed Potatoes, -with Blessed Chickweed, over thy suffering Turniptop! Where is thy -boastod Sourkrout? Have a little Brocoli, my own sweet Bean; and put thy -Chickweed in Parsley. There is Tomata yet for both of us, so pray hide -thy Cauliflower for a few short Sprouts, and Capers must soon be ours! -Confide in Mangel-würzel. I enclose thee a hundred Greens from the -bottom of my Green Stuff, and remain, my fondest Beetroot, - - "THY OWN DEAR MARROWFAT." - -The answer, though in a humbler strain, was not less eloquent. It was -rolled up in little crumbs of bread, which were made into the shape of -pills, and thrown out of the prisoner's window:— - -"My sweetest Marrowfat!—My Asparagus is well nigh bursting. My Salad is -overflowing, and I cannot rest at night from too much Mustard seed. Send -me, an thou hopest hereafter for Asparagus, a Scarlet-Runner, and a -small Cow Cabbage. Trust in Sage, and throw thyself fondly on -Watercress. - - "THY UNFORTUNATE GREENS." - -[Illustration] - -The Scarlet-Runner, which is the vegetable emblem for a file, was hidden -in the heel of a boot, and the Cow Cabbage, which is the beautiful -synonym for a rope, smuggled in to the poor prisoner through a large -German sausage, of which he was passionately fond. He escaped that very -night, and repaid with the affection of a whole life the devotion of his -attached "Marrowfat," that is to say his wife; we do not give a -translation of these memorable letters, as we wish our readers to refer -to the Language of Vegetables itself; for we feel it is so fascinating a -science that when once they go into it, they will not leave a single -vegetable unturned till they have got to the root of every word. - - - IF, - !!!AND??? - -If marriages are made in heaven, what a pity the happy pair should leave -the place directly, upon a mere matter of ceremony! - -If thou stoodest outside the door, thy hand upon the handle, hast thou -ever paused to arrange thy curls, and to pull up thy collar, and to -inspect first thy wristbands, and then thy boots? If so, thou hast -loved, ay, and madly too. - -If a good name were purchasable, how few would avail themselves of the -luxury if they had to pay ready money for it! - -If there is really "luck in odd numbers," we can account for the curious -fact of so many ladies stopping half of their lives at the age of -thirty-nine. - -If two is company, and three is none, what a very melancholy time old -Cerberus must have of it! - -If "distance lends enchantment to the view," then the British Drama -ought to hold out to speculators the most enchanting views in the world, -for never were its prospects so distant as at the present moment. - -If Napoleon had won the battle of Waterloo, Gomersal must have died -comparatively unknown. - -If man and wife had a plate glass to their hearts, how long would they -remain together? - -If soda-water had only been known in the time of Alexander, it is but -fair to conclude that the murder of Clytus never would have taken place. - -If England were to be divided to-morrow morning equally among all its -inhabitants, we should not like to be the man whose dismal lot for life -turned out to be Trafalgar Square! - -If Janus really had two faces, we deeply pity him, if he ever drank a -tumbler of Vauxhall punch, for he must have had the following morning -two headaches instead of one! - -If animals could speak, we can imagine the first words a donkey would -address to man would be "_Et tu brute_." - -If there were no "if's" in the world, there would be no arguments; no -rules of three; no political economy; no more ingenious speculations -about the fate of Europe _if_ England had lost the battle of Waterloo -(_if_ it had, several shareholders would never have lost their money on -Waterloo Bridge, by-the-bye); no more letters from Joseph Ady about -certain valuable information _if_ a sovereign is sent by return of post; -no more liberal promises from fathers as to what they will do if their -sons will only improve, and keep good hours; no more financial -experiments (Sir Robert Peel's scheme for the income-tax was only one -elongated "if," and its repeal is a still more extended one); and -lastly, this clever little article upon "if's" never would have been -written, _if_ there had been no such word in the language as "if." - - - THE LITERARY SCARCITY. - A LETTER FROM A LONDON PENNY-A-LINER TO A PROVINCIAL DITTO. - -[Illustration: Well] TOM, my boy, how are you? Precious slack here, I -can tell you; business never was so dull. I haven't had an Atrocious -Murder on my hands these three months. If this panic continues I shall -be so much out of practice that I'm blessed if I shall know how to do a -Murder when a good opportunity occurs. Unless some good lady has the -kindness to kill her husband—(how fashions change! I can recollect the -time when husbands used to kill their wives: however, it's all the -same)—I must starve, without having the chance either of making a penny -by my own death. By-the-bye, I have had serious ideas lately of -committing an "Awful Suicide"—don't be startled, I mean only in the -papers. I have reckoned it up, and find that I should make nearly a -sovereign by it—a temptation, my tulip, in these times, and well worth -an imaginary duck in the Thames. - -See, my dear Tom, I make it out as follows:— - - _s._ _d._ - - AWFUL SUICIDE (say from Waterloo Bridge), at three-halfpence 3 0 - per line - - A ROMANCE OF REAL LIFE (founded on the above) 2 6 - - PUBLIC INQUEST 5 0 - - ADJOURNED MEETING 2 9¼ - - MALICIOUS FABRICATION, a long letter from myself, declaring 4 7 - most circumstantially that I am not, and have never been - dead, and spurning in the most indignant manner (to the - extent probably of three shillings) the Verdict of - "Temporary Insanity" - - ANOTHER LETTER, commenting with moderation on the atrocious 1 11¼ - cruelty of the fabrication, and lashing Lord John for not - instituting proceedings for the discovery of the Monster in - human form, who first propagated the Heartless Rumour - - ———— ———— - - 19 9¾ - -Now I know, Tom, this would be unprofessional, but really in times like -these, when a capital execution scarcely turns up once a year, it -doesn't do for a person to be over nice; besides, if I do extinguish my -vital spark for six days, where's the great harm? Not a person sustains -the slightest injury; I have no relations to blackguard me afterwards -for not dying. I have no heirs to sue the paper for damages; I have no -grandmothers to be hurried into an early grave by the intelligence; and -I get a week's dinners by dying at a time I was never more puzzled how -to live. My table, I can assure you, has not groaned under the luxuries -of the season for ever so long. So where is the great sin of leaving -this sublunary sphere for seven days, if I cannot keep soul and body -together without it? Psha! it's all affectation, and I have a good mind -to try an Awful Suicide to-morrow; and, to make it more interesting, -call myself "a Gentleman of Fortune." All this scarcity comes of -educating people, and the march of intellect, and the rage for -improvements! Did you ever hear such nonsense? Why, I suppose -civilization will be taking such rapid strides that the wood pavement—(I -hope you have got one in your place; the bit of wood in the Strand lit -my fires for two winters running: what a field it was for accidents, to -be sure! I used to pick up two a day)—will be cut eventually from under -our feet, and we shan't have a bit of orange-peel, or a slide even, to -stand upon, or as much as a drop of prussic-acid to warm our hearts with -before going to bed of a cold night. It's all a mistake; and if I am a -victim to it I shall lay my death at the door of civilization, and -charge them with it. Why, the cabs are nothing to what they used to be— -they wont upset; and I do really believe the omnibus conductors are -getting civil, merely to spite us. The lightning conductors, too, are -very little better. I haven't been able to drink your health in a drop -of electric fluid for many a day. Where it will end none of us can tell. -The steamers have done a little for business, it's true, and I expect -they will do a great deal more for us; but what, I ask you, is a -_Cricket_ amongst so many? Besides, one doesn't get such a good blow-out -every day. Education, I see, will be the ruin of us all. I have serious -thoughts of turning an informer, and reporting my own cases; or, if it -comes to the worst, of going over to Dublin, and stopping there -patiently till the row at Conciliation Hall begins. I wish it would take -place to-morrow! They are a long time about it for Irishmen; for the -winter is coming on, and I must give up all thoughts of coals, unless I -get a good Destructive Fire or two. Candles, too, come dear when you -cannot find, search where you will, the smallest bit of Seasonable -Benevolence to pay for them. There's only Railways left us. Do you know, -I drink the health of that dear Eastern Counties every time I am lucky -enough to get an Awful Accident out of it. Why, Tom, my boy, I was only -thinking this morning, as I was leaning over London Bridge, hoping an -ill wind would blow me something good, that I would start a railway, and -so make my own Accidents, and write them, for greater accuracy, on the -spot. I might contract with the different papers to supply them cheap -all the year round. But then I recollected, and a burning tear bedewed -my eye, that that line of luck was all over, that the poor stags were -fairly run off their legs, and that an end had been put for ever to -Capel Court. Twelve months sooner, and the thing might have been done. I -only wish I was in Hudson's shoes, that's all. What a deal of money I -would make, 'lining—wouldn't I, just! - -Well, Tom, I must leave you. The neighborhood has just been thrown into -the greatest consternation by an "Enormous Gooseberry." I run to measure -it with an India-rubber band, for that stretches the best. I hope it is -a crammer; at all events I must make it large enough to serve me for -dinner, and leave me something to fill my pipe with afterwards. -Good-bye, Tom. I hope Liverpool (you lucky fellow, you had the Fever all -last winter; you ought to have made your fortune, too, with the Irish) -is better off in Accidents—it is much richer I know in Fires—than -London. If not, I will make this agreement with you: you shall have my -Inhuman Neglect by the Parish Authorities, if you bequeath me your Awful -Death by Starvation. Is that a bargain? - - I remain, my dear Tom, - In a state much better conceived than described, - Yours regularly "in a line," - A. CHANCE. - -The Ether's a failure; not a single explosion worth having. Can't you -send me up a Shower of Frogs in your next letter? You shall have an -Infamous Hoax by return. I say, the American Sea-serpent has not had a -turn lately, or the Oldest Inhabitant, and, _entre nous_, Lord B—h—m has -not been killed once these seven years; I have got his Life all ready. I -will toss you for him, if you like. What do you say? Two out of three? -or Sudden Death? - -_Young Flimsy_ was complaining at the _Blue Bottle_ last night of the -pressure of the _Times_. He said he had a most "Wonderful Appetite" on -Thursday, and invited half-a-dozen "liners" to supper on the strength of -it, but the Currency deprived him of every penny, notwithstanding he had -a Curious Case of Instinct, which he made sure would bring him in -half-a-crown. - -Address to me at the _Illustrated Weekly Murder Sheet_ Office. - - - ILLUSTRATED CONUNDRUM. - (THE OLDEST ON RECORD.) - - _Question._—=W= [Illustration] is a [Illustration] a [Illustration] - - _ Answer._—=W= [Illustration] it is =A= [Illustration] - - - A MYSTERY OF LONDON. - -A DRIZZLING mist begins to fall. The clock of St. Clement's strikes -seven. A November fog lowers its invidious veil over the bright face of -London. I hurry on, impatient to listen to the rival strains of the -cricket and kettle, who, I know from a mysterious singing in my ears, -are gaily carolling on my hearth in Clare Market. "There is no place -like home!" - -With these thoughts I redouble my speed, even as the jaded cab-horse -quickens his broken knees when he sees in his mind's eye, through -distant streets, the door of the livery stable. The fog has the -thickness of repeated blankets. It is no light task for a blind dame to -thread a needle in the dark. That task, however, is as light as the sun -with 20,000 additional lamps on its birthday, compared to the difficulty -of threading Temple Bar in a fog! But patience, like the boy Jones, will -get through anything. - -I have shaken off the mud of the city: I breathe the balmy smoke of -Westminster. My high-low, or rather my high-lows (for I have two) heat -once more the proud Strand. I pass the antique apple-woman on my left; -on my right I leave Holloway and his far-famed leg of twenty years' -standing—that Wandering Jew of advertisements which is perpetually -running through the papers. I drop a sympathetic pill to the memory of -Aldborough. Proud Earl! Never did mortal lay the flattering ointment to -his soul as thou hast done! I hurry onward. - -But what fragrant perfume, stolen or strayed from Araby the Blest, plays -round my nostrils? It cannot be the fog, for it is so like stewed eels. -It salutes my nose with all the warmth of a long-absent friend. I follow -it, as Hamlet did the Ghost. An invisible attraction pulls me gently on, -even as the magnetic duck which a child leads where he will by applying -a load-stone to its nasal organ. I neither see, nor feel, nor hear; I -only smell. My whole nature is standing on the bridge of my nose. How -blind is man! In my ardour I have nearly upset a respectable stranger: I -beg his most unadulterated pardon a hundredfold; but he heeds me not. A -rich necklace of pies, Twickenham's fairest jewellery, dazzles his weak -vision, and fastens, as with a golden hook, all his eyes. He is under a -Savory spell, longing for More. A hundred appetites glisten from his -cavernous brows. Epicurus and Dando seem to have chosen his high -cheek-bones for their respective thrones. His mouth opens and shuts a -thousand times, just like the Strand Theatre opposite; but, alas! takes -in nothing by each new motion. Hunger could not well have spared a -leaner Frenchman. Poor Monsieur! I have disturbed thy joyous reverie, -and would fain make amends for it. "Here is sixpence to buy thyself -luscious pies, freighted with all the boundless wealth of the generous -eel." But he is as deaf as a relation that is rich. His thoughts are -seated at the rich banquet within. - - * * * * * - -The parish engine is pulled along by a lusty beadle, like an invalid -chair at Brighton by one of the plethoric Sons of Plush. Six little boys -subscribe their voices and their strength, but there is more of the -former than the latter. There is merriment in Drury Lane; loud cries of -"Fire" play gaily upon the ear. Even a policeman—that rarest object of -_vertu_—is seen. He illuminates for two seconds the busy scene with the -"light in his laughing eye" of bull. The fire-escape is unrolled, like a -tall mummy, from its dark slumber of ages, and stretches its spider -limbs high into the air as it yawns again into life. It crawls, like a -centipede on its hind leg, as far as Temple Bar, and there draws itself -up, like a big note of exclamation, and makes a full stop. Peradventure -it reaches the fire three days afterwards. There is a time for all -things. - -But whose is that ecstatic figure? It is as familiar to my vision as -Cooper in George Barnwell. Who can it be? Yes—no—yes! It cannot be! By -St. Jullien, it is the dismal Child of France! The clock of St. -Clement's strikes ten. What! Monsieur, hast thou for three foggy hours -been poring over those self-same pies? Thy admiration smacks, methinks, -of the bigot. Thou art indeed an enthusiast. Hie thee to Soyer! Catch -him between a poem and a _pâté_, bursting with the richest stuffing of -the goose—I mean the _pâté_. Perform the same rites before his household -pans of stew; let thy every limb speak thy admiration, and my head of -hair, bought but yesterday at Truefitt's, he will give thee, for half -such prodigal worship, thy weight in pies, be they of gooseberry or -mutton, or the ham and veal dedicated to Thespis, or even the delicate -eel, the dear object of thy silent love! Concealment has indeed fed upon -thy damask cheek, and picked it—would I could say clean!—to the bone. -"_Voici, mon Noble Seigneur, de quoi te régaler._" He sees not the -proffered Joseph; he hears not my tones, sweet with charity. He stirs -not: he stands on holy pavement. Poor Frenchman, I would tarry with -thee, but I must rush me home to supper. Haven't I tripe waiting kindly -for me! My clay, too, points to heavy wet; and my pewter will lose its -head if I am not quickly with it. _Adieu._ - - * * * * * - -Night has spread its shutters over London. All is still, save a -spirituous cry of "Va-_ri_-e-ty," that comes at muffled intervals -leaping through the air. There is not a Gent to be seen. Even Lord Ellam -has retired to his bed under the ducal counter. Sleep snores heavily in -the Strand, and the nightmare rules in the City. All humanity, save -editors and milkmen, is between the sheets. - -All, did I say? It is false. There is one figure still, very still, on -its legs. He is no purveyor of chalk, or human kindness. He is not a -thief either, save one of Time; and better to rob him than Rogers' -bank,—though, it is true, the notes may be stopped, but the minutes, -alas! never. Whose is that figure? Egad! It is the Frenchman's. - -There he stands, opposite the same identical emporium. He is wrapt in -mystery and a Spanish cloak, with a collar borrowed from the poodle. He -has not moved the whisper of a pig to the right or to the left. What -fearful secret can chain him to that awful spot? - -His iron glances seem as if they would pierce like nails at tenpence -a-piece the shutters of that Depôt. The hunger on his countenance is not -yet appeased. I offer him an Havannah, the best that the Green of -Turnham can produce. He answers me only with a sallow smile. No -complaint escapes his lips, though it is clear as Thames water that is -filtered that he is ill at ease. Ah! perhaps he is doing penance for -some early crime? Perhaps it is a vow he has registered in some album to -please his Love? Perhaps—but I waste the valuable ink of the printer -with these idle sur-mises; be the awful cause what it will, from the -bottom of my purse, noble stranger from the noble Land of the _Cancan_, -I do feel for thee! Thou wouldst never remain outside a piscatorial -pastrycook's for nine long hours, transfixed like a _pose plastique_ -(only thou art dressed), unless there were some strange mystery at the -bottom of it! - - * * * * * - -[Illustration: - - THE SPIRIT LEVEL. -] - -I cannot sleep. My pillow is burning hot. Fever shares my bed. The -vision of that unhappy Frenchman keeps pulling aside the curtains, and -crying aloud in my ear, "Curiosity doth murder sleep." It is too true! -Who can close his eyes, though they be weighed down with two bottles of -port, of the best Public Dinner vintage, and sealed with the smoke of -three-times-ten cigars, when he has a secret gnawing at his heart? I don -my morning suit, and walk breathless, breakfastless to the Strand. - -Clerks are plodding to their high stools in the City. All waistcoats are -turned towards St. Paul's. Omnibuses are laden with cashiers—strict -lovers of punctuality—who eat, and drink, and sleep, and make love, by -the chronometer. The antique apple-woman is putting on her great coat, -the relic of her late relict, a deceased cabman. Holloway determines to -have an immense spread, and lays down a roll of ointment eight yards -without a seam. Newspaper boys sing in quires as they canter along with -wet bundles under their arms. The sun rises; the puddles reflect its -golden smiles; the cocks and hens visit their daily cab-stand; the -postman's knock is heard; the clock of St. Clement's strikes nine. -London has begun a new day. - -But what are these facts to me? No more than Spanish Bonds, for I do not -even look at them. I have but one object in view, and that is the -Frenchman. - -[Illustration] - -But the cloak has disappeared, and the person inside it. His penance -doubtless, is at an end—his humble vow fulfilled. He is gone: but, how -strange! he has left his boots behind him. There they stand, in the -middle of the pavement, bolt upright—one a Blucher, its companion a -Wellington—as if they had risen out of the coal-cellar over night, like -a couple of mushrooms. A phantom policeman attempts to take them up, but -they are riveted to the spot. But, see! the poor exile comes this way: -slippers are on his feet. He claims his boots. "Take them," says the man -of law, bound in blue, and lettered B 32. No! They will not stir. He -pulls them with a pair of boot-hooks, but if there were a Woman's -Obstinacy in each sole, they could not maintain their ground more -stoutly. - -A pickaxe is brought. The boots are pulled up at length, but in company -with the flag-stone. They are carried on the latter, as on a tray, -before the magistrate. Their disconsolate owner follows them in his -slippers. He unfolds his simple unadorned tale of woe. First he -identifies the boots. The name of "_Marquis de Carambole_" appears -inside each. Next he states he had been giving a lesson in French for -sixpence to a family in the Lane of Leather. On his way home he stopped -to admire some pies arrayed most temptingly in a sumptuous window. He -tarried longer than he intended, but the luxury of the sight beguiled -away the unconscious moments. He felt his feet getting very warm, but he -thought it was only the grateful steam of the shop. He still looked on, -turning over the sixpence alternately in his mind and in his pocket, -whether he should spend it, or keep it to have his hair curled. At last -he resolved on the rash purchase. He attempted to move, but his right -foot was fastened to the pavement, and his left foot too; he was -motionless; he was literally screwed—he had grown to the ground. He was -riveted to the spot, not only in admiration, but in positive reality. -For four interminable hours he endured worse than the torture of -Tantalus, for eel pies were not known in the dark ages of Pluto. A feast -was before him which he could not touch. Twelve o'clock at last put a -friendly termination to his sufferings: the shop closed. He was left in -the streets of London all by himself. He felt cold. His feet were -benumbed, but he could not do anything to keep them warm. Stamping was -out of the question, for he could not even lift them. A policeman told -him once to "move on," but unfortunately he came like a shadow, and so -departed. He thought of his landlord, of his tailor, of his washerwoman, -of everything that was dear to him. A tear washed his cheek. He trembled -like a creditor. He did not like to shout for aid, his position was so -very ridiculous. At last necessity, the coldest he ever experienced, -conquered his vanity. He cut his straps, and ran away like a second -Napoleon, leaving Wellington and Blucher masters of the field. Having -finished, the poor Orphan of France demands, in a voice of tears, that -his boots may be restored to him. - -[Illustration: - - THE APPROACH OF BLUCHER.—INTREPID ADVANCE OF THE FIRST FOOT. -] - -"Certainly," says the urbane magistrate; "but you must first pay for the -damage you have done to the pavement." - -The poor Frenchman pleads that it is not his fault; but his plea is as -bootless as himself. - -A policeman, with the bump of science, craves leave to explain the -mystery. - -[Illustration] - -Leave is given to him; and, clearing his throat, he speaks thus:—"I -think I can tell, sir, what is the mystery at the bottom of all this. It -is Gutta Percha. This Gutta Percha, sir, is a new material of a -waterproof substance; at first soluble, which afterwards hardens, and -resists the action of water. It is used largely for boots. It is not -proof, however, against heat. The consequence is that when it is exposed -to a great warmth it becomes adhesive, and very tenacious of the footing -it occupies. There is an instance of a cook whose Irish cousin was -warming his feet at the fire; he had on soles made of Gutta Percha. His -boots adhered to the hobs, and there he stuck in the kitchen for a -fortnight till a frost came. It was called Hobbes' 'Essay on the -Understanding.'" - -The man of the oil-skin cape is reprimanded severely for this joke, and -then resumes: "It is exactly the same scrape with this gentleman, if he -will excuse the liberty I take in calling him so," he said, bowing to -the Frenchman. "The fact is he remained so long admiring those eel pies -that his soul expanded at the sight, and when he wanted to go he found -he could not tear himself away: the Gutta Percha had become melted with -the heat of the cook-shop, and strapped him to the pavement like a -statue on a pedestal." - -The mystery was as clear as if it had been strained with isinglass. The -boots were investigated, and lo! the policeman's words for once were -truth. Gutta Percha was at the bottom of each boot! The spell was -solved, and so after a time were the soles. But let the reader -scrutinize closely the pavement in the Strand; and on the left side, -before he comes to Temple Bar, he will be able to pick out a flag-stone, -opposite the "Royal Emporium for Eel Pies," which has on it the perfect -imprint of the soles of a Blucher and a Wellington. It was on that very -bit of granite where the poor Frenchman stood for nine hours, buffeted -by the stream of people that kept flowing backwards and forwards, and -tortured beyond any modern martyrdom by the tempting feast spread before -him, which he could only devour with his hungry eyes. - -Of all the new inventions there is not one which is likely to make a -firmer stand, or keep its ground longer, than Gutta Percha. - - - THE FEMALE TARS OF GREAT BRITAIN. - FASHIONABLE YACHTING. - -The ladies are invading everything. The Stock Exchange, Capel Court, the -field, the lecture-room, the betting-ring—places exclusively devoted -hitherto to black coats and legs of the same colour—have been recently -graced, or disgraced, as the case has been, with the presence the fair, -and sometimes unfair, sex. The clubs, it is true, are still in the hands -of men, and woman, though she has voice enough in laying down the law at -home, has none as yet in Parliament; though we are confident if a -handsome duchess, or Mrs. Nisbett, were only to put up for a county (say -Bucks), that she would no sooner announce her intention of standing, -than every Buck in the borough would rush forward to offer her a seat. -Common politeness would carry her into the House of Commons. Government, -however, is not the only floating and sinking thing that has a helm. Our -yachts are open to the ladies; and, till they can steer the Vessel of -State, they are at full liberty to soil their _gants de Paris_ in -handling the tiller of a Yacht. Are the quick-sands of office more -dangerous to thread than the Needles? And what are the breezes, and the -ups and downs of a parliamentary life, to those of the ocean? Go, ask -Earl Grey, and he will tell you that he would sooner have fifty berths -under Government than one in a royal yacht, any day! - -The example set by the Queen every year has turned all the ladies mad -for a Yacht. It is customary now, instead of packing up the drawing-room -furniture whilst the family is out of town, to have it carried on board, -where it is fitted up on deck, or does state duty in the cabins. The -Turkey carpet covers the vulgar planks, the bell ropes are substituted -for the coarse ropes; and chairs, richly inlaid with mother-of-pearl, -replace the plain lockers. The whole household is transported generally -as well, though apoplectic footmen sometimes desert after the first day, -preferring board wages in May Fair to the best wages on board, in the -Mediterranean. - -The following extract from a Lady's Log Book will best illustrate this -new fashion. It is written in the beautifully small handwriting of the -enterprising Lady Augusta Fiddle-Faddle, who sailed in the _Jenny Lind_ -on a cruise to Paris, last October. - - Sept. 2nd.—Started from Cowes. Sea just like a rocking-horse, up and - down, up and down; not at all pleasant; very giddy; wind blowing all - day at my back, nearly breaking my beautiful ostrich feather; no - appetite for dinner; took an early tea, no muffins, not even a - sally-lunn. Gave orders that the French cook (a promising pupil of - Soyer's) might be told "to take good care it didn't occur again." In - bed at eight, very unwell; ordered the rocking of the vessel to be - stopped immediately, but not a soul paid any attention to my - sufferings. - -[Illustration: - - YACHTING FOR LADIES—MAYFAIR IN THE MEDITERRANEAN. -] - - 3rd.—No new milk for breakfast; told the butler to send for some - directly; the impudent fellow sent word, "that there was no - possibility of making Cowes so soon." Ordered his beer to be - stopped. Dreadful noise overhead. Told Adolphus to inquire what it - was. The intelligent lad brought me intelligence that it was the - housemaid sweeping the carpets on deck. Went upstairs, and asked the - reason why the deck was not ready before twelve o'clock. Told Jane - and Maria Louisa that I would have the strictest discipline - maintained in my Yacht, or else they had better suit themselves at - once with other situations. Superintended the dusting of the - ottomans, and reprimanded John Thomas for going up the dirty ropes - without his Berlin gloves on. Detected a faint smell of tar, and - ordered the carpet to be sprinkled with eau-de-Cologne, and feathers - to be burnt in every room in the Yacht. Threw my glove over the - railing of the vessel to see which way the wind blew; but on its - going straight down and sinking very rapidly recollected that my - purse was inside. A thorough draft arising at that moment blew off - my _fichu_ towards the right, and proved beyond a doubt that the - wind was in a straight line to Brighton. Determined to go there, and - told the coachman in charge of the Yacht to make as much haste as - possible, as I wished to make a morning call on Lady Bandury Bunn, - who was staying there, with all her little Bunns. It turned out, - however, towards four o'clock, that we were not many hundred yards' - distance from Havre; but as I had not a French bonnet with me I - declined going on shore. In the evening, a ball, and I played a - small concertina (I had brought with me to charm the dolphins), to - enable the poor servants to dance. John Thomas and Jane Hussey went - through a hornpipe as well as the uneven state of the Yacht would - allow them. Served out tea and sugar at eight. Towards nine there - was a very strong smell of tobacco; searched the Yacht, escorted by - Adolphus, who carried two wax candles before me; we found the smell - proceeded from the servants' hall. Descended the narrow staircase - cautiously, and surprised, in the pantry, the butler, John Thomas, - and the French cook, each smoking with the window open, what is - called, I believe, a pipe. Ordered these offensive articles to be - seized, and to be instantly thrown into the lowest depths of the - sea; and did not retire to rest before my orders were strictly - executed. Looked into the housekeeper's room, and gave directions - for a muslin cover to be made for the gold Cupid that holds the - compass; if I am correct in so terming the long darning-needle that - is kept under a glass shade. - - 4th.—Wind very fair to-day. Curled my hair for the first time in - ringlets. Inspected some Valenciennes lace I have bought, a perfect - bargain, of a French smuggler; it will look well on a velvet dress. - Told John to drive direct to Paris. The insolent fellow asked "if I - would go by Brussels, or did I prefer Vienna?" Gave him instantly - warning. He turned the vessel round with its head towards London. - Told him that was not the road to Paris, when he said he "was going - back to Southampton to suit himself with another place." Rang the - bell, and told Grisetta to tell all the servants to come upstairs. - The poor girl only speaking French, the stupid servants, who worry - my life out, did not understand her. Directed my page Adolphus to - summon the butler before me. Mr. Smithers appeared with his hat on; - I asked him how he dared to appear in my presence with his head - covered? His answer was, "that he had had two wigs blown off - already, and he had caught a violent cold in his head." Asked him - "What was his cold in the head when the discipline of the ship was - at stake?" and he could not answer a word. Told him I should report - him to Sir Valentine as soon as we landed in Grosvenor Square. Being - determined to punish the coachman, ordered him to leave the box, and - took the whip out of his hand in the presence of my maid and the - German governess. The menial coloured, and to make his degradation - the more striking, I pulled the cockade off his hat. I then took the - what-d'ye-call-it, the long pole that pushes the vessel along, and - attempted to guide it. The fatigue, however, was too much for my - wrists, and I split my gloves in the exertion; was afraid, besides, - of turning the vessel upside down, but disguised my fears before the - dependents. Left the pole, and picked my way down to the servants' - hall. Found the servants, male and female, at dinner, the butler in - the chair, and Mrs. Bantam, the housekeeper, at the bottom. - Apologized for intruding, for I thought it was best to be civil. - Spoke kindly, and told them to serve me properly, and their rations - of tea and sugar should be doubled. Mrs. Bantam thanked me. Then - told them that "a great act of insubordination had been shown by the - coachman above, and that I had been obliged to strip him"—(Here I - paused to take note of the effect of my words; but no sympathy was, - I am glad to say, evinced)—"of his situation." I reminded them of - their duties, and conjured them to be faithful to their mistress, - and they should not repent it when their wages were paid; but I told - them plainly, if they coalesced with the coachman it should be as - much as their situations were worth. If any one of them was - displeased, and thought herself ill-used, or out of her proper - element, she might leave the ship that instant, and I would be the - last person to prevent her bettering herself. Not one amongst them - took me at my word, and I was pleased more than I can express at - their fidelity. I told them as much, and confessed I had anticipated - a mutiny, but had made up my mind fully how to act in case the - smallest _soupçon_ of treachery had declared itself. "I would have - opened the plugs at the bottom of the yacht," I said loudly to them, - "and we should have all sunk together, after I had taken the - precaution to write a letter to the _Times_, in which every one of - your names would have been reported at full length, with your - christian names and ages." I was going on in the most eloquent - strain, when the most dreadful thumping occurred to the ship, and - there was a noise overhead such as I had never heard before, even at - one of Verdi's operas. I nearly fainted, for I thought a whale had - run against us, and had burst in one of our panels; but a young - footman, who had run upstairs and down again whilst I was losing my - colour, assured me it was only the bowsprit (for so he called the - long pole which protrudes from the front of the vessel) which had - been shattered to pieces in consequence of its coming in collision - with Southampton Pier, which happened at that moment to be in the - way. I then recollected that I had left no one in charge of the - Yacht, and hastened upstairs. I found a Custom-House officer coming - up the rope ladder by the side, and gave the coachman into custody - for having violated the laws of his country. The man searched him, - and said, with the greatest _nonchalance_, that there was nothing - about him that warranted his detaining him. He then asked me if I - had anything to declare. "Anything to declare?" I said. "Yes, I - declare that your conduct is the greatest piece of impertinence I - have ever heard of;" and I went on in a great passion for a long - time. The man got very angry, and I had a very good mind to have him - thrown into the sea for his insolence; but I conquered my pride, for - at that moment Prince FitzunStartz, the young Bohemian nobleman who - first brought over the polka, came tripping on the yacht, and I was - too glad, in order to escape, to take his arm, though he had just - been smoking. I recounted to him the dangers I had gone through, and - he would have it I was "quizzing" him, just as if I was likely to - joke upon such a matter of life and death. We had scarcely reached - the end of the pier when an officer stopped us, and informed me that - the _Jenny Lind_ was seized by the Custom House authorities for - having on board a quantity of smuggled goods. Oh dear! oh dear! that - Valenciennes will cost me dearer than what I might have got it for - at Howell and James's, and they wouldn't have asked me for the money - for six years to come at least; whereas I paid that smuggler every - bit in sovereigns. Oh! that stupid Yacht! - -[Illustration] - -HINTS TO AGRICULTURAL SOCIETIES.—About November stuff your calves for -approaching show, and put the tails of your pigs over night into curl -paper. Rub a little bear's grease on the head of your sheep, and pass -small-tooth combs through their fleecy wool. Wash your Southdowns in -warm soap-and-water, and let your little porkers have a good lathering, -particularly about the chops. Trim your cows with satin ribbons, part -the hair on their foreheads down the middle, and fix it with bandoline. -Black the hoofs of your bulls, stir up your Durhams well, and see that -they are properly mustered. - - * * * * * - -PRETTY THOUGHT.—"I would not be a pig," says a Dutch poet, "for then I -could not eat it." - - - LAYS OF MODERN BABY-LON. - BY YOUNG WHAT-YOU-MAY-CALLEE. - - (_Aged five years and a day._) - - "High diddle lofty diddle and diddle wondrous high— - Diddle exalted like balloons far up into the sky." - Thus sung a youth of Kensington, a youth of gentle mien, - Whose mother came from Knightsbridge, and whose sire from Turnham - Green. - "High diddle diddle," warbled he, "the fiddle and the cat," - But very much I marvel now what meant the youth by that. - But words contain all mysteries, as difficult to trace - As Cleopatra's needle when it works the fragile lace, - And into many patterns all rapidly it flies— - As the clouds take strange appearances in floating through the skies. - "High diddle diddle," sung the youth with energy intense, - "The cat and fiddle," whispered he—alack, he spoke not sense. - "The cow," he murmured mournfully, and rather out of tune, - "Has at a bound sprung from the ground, and cleared the silver moon." - I wot not of his purpose in singing such a strain, - But hush! don't interrupt the youth, he takes it up again: - "Over the moon the cow has jumped, and then, such sport to see, - The little dog laughs quite outright, with a loud _ha! ha!_ HEE!" - And now a sad elopement it is our lot to mark— - Why should the little dog have laughed? how came he not to bark? - For 'twas his solemn duty to try the course to stay - Of the roguish dish to thwart the wish, ere with spoon he ran away. - The song of youth is ended, but ever and anon - The murmur of the melody goes undulating on; - The echoes give in fragments the words "high diddle diddle," - Then with a rush there comes a gush of—hark! "the cat and fiddle." - The melody again I think I hear—or shall hear very soon— - The line that says the rampant cow has jumped right o'er the moon, - The little dog is laughing too, such merry sport to see, - So in half-broken accents whispers a voice to me. - But worst of all, and last of all, and saddest thing to say, - A voice insists "that with the spoon the dish has run away." - - The music of the melody has floated through the air, - And died off like the premium upon a railway share. - - - A BUNDLE OF DEFINITIONS. - -THE SEAT OF PAIN.—A seat in the front row of the dress circle of the -Adelphi Theatre, judging from first impressions, which they say last the -longest, is decidedly the Seat of Pain. - -A pew in a fashionable church is a religious ordinary, held every -Sunday, price one shilling! - -The weathercock, after all, points to the highest moral truth, for it -shows man that it is a _vane_ thing to _a-spire_. - -The Horse Guards are the Bright Pokers of the army. They are kept up -exclusively for show, most highly polished, but never intended to go -into the thick of the fire. - -Sons treat their governors like oysters: they never cease "sticking" -them till they have made them "shell out." - -The Press of England and the Press of France are both noted for their -convictions—but the first are moral convictions, and the second legal -ones. - -Abd-el-Kader and a Turkey carpet are very much alike. They never come -out so strongly, their designs are never so apparent, and their colours -never have so much effect, as after a thorough good beating. - -The Albert Hat is one of those things very much better described than -_felt_. - -Many ideas are exceedingly pretty, which, when inquired into, are found, -like a necklace of birds' eggs, to hang upon the slightest thread, and -to have absolutely nothing in them. Some authors evidently look upon -ideas as children do upon birds' eggs—public property which there is no -harm in stealing. They string them, too, very much in the same strain— -drawing everything they can out of them, and decorating themselves -afterwards with the empty shells. - -AGRICULTURAL SPORTS.—About Autumn catch your prize labourer, and joke -him at your annual Show; put him on a platform, and make good quiet fun -of his having brought up sixteen children on five shillings a week for -twenty years. Compliment him most highly on his sobriety and all the -cardinal virtues, and give him a good-natured dig about his little -potato ground. Give him a glass of wine and five shillings; and when you -are tired of the absurdity, tell him to sit down, and call up your -fattest pig and bull, and sustain the rollick of the day's amusements by -awarding them premiums of 10_l._ and 15_l._ each. This is capital sport, -and gentlefolks come far and near to see it, only we doubt if the poor -labourer sees exactly the fun of it. - -TRUEFITT ON SHAKSPEARE.—An aspiring hairdresser, who has been to see -_Romeo and Juliet_, wishes to be informed whether the "parting" which -the lady describes to be "such sweet sorrow" was in the middle, or only -on one side? We are really unable to say with any certainty; but the -faults of lovers, which often lead to a parting, are generally on both -sides. - -[Illustration: - - Portrait of Jim Crow, after Herbert. -] - - - MOVEMENT OF THE FINE ARTS. - -The Fine Arts are seized at present with a strange movement; they are -all going backwards. One would fancy they were retreating, or that they -had lost something on the road, and were turning back to pick it up. We -scarcely imagine it was worth while going out of their way to embrace -the Middle Ages; it shows but little taste on their part. They might as -well dress in the costume of that period, and wear Gothic night-caps, -and mediæval high-lows, and talk, and write, and flirt in the language -of that period, as to attempt to reconcile its hard angular painting -(all their pictures look to us like coloured problems—as if Euclid had -been their drawing-master) to the spirit of our own times. Imagine -portraits of the heroes of the present age in the stiff kitchen-poker -style which Messrs. Pugin, Dyce, and such like retrograders, would wish -to revive! How would the immortal Simpson look? How would the popular -Jim Crow appear to us, when carried two hundred years back? Why! we -should not know them again. - -[Illustration] - -Perhaps this going backwards is for the purpose of enabling the artists -to jump farther onwards, as the French proverb says, "_Reculer pour -mieux sauter_;" or is it to make the Fine Arts so much younger, by -knocking some three hundred years off their age? We always thought that -art was of no particular period, but for all time. Antiquated ladies may -gain by the above process of youth-making, and we can imagine in our own -mind's ear (if the mind has an eye it must have an ear) a very old man -saying, "Ah! I wish I could go back to the Middle Age!" but really the -Fine Arts should be above such weakness. This love of going backward may -account, perhaps, for so few artists getting forward in their -profession. Let them turn their backs upon the past, and the future may -smile brightly again upon them. The English school of painting will not -stand long, if it is built with old materials; some four hundred years -old. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - THE FIRST NIGHT OF A PANTOMIME. - - 'Tis boxing night—every theatre is crammed, - As close as a jelly the people are jammed; - Every corner is full from the roof to the floor, - And money is being refused at the door. - The play of George Barnwell is being gone through, - 'Mid the usual regular hullabaloo. - A middle-aged actor appears on the scene, - Representing the weak-minded youth of eighteen; - 'Tis true he's past forty, but collars turned down, - With tie _à la_ Byron, and wig of light brown, - With whiskers shaved off, and rouge daubed on in plenty, - The old boy of forty looks something like twenty. - But our sympathies, somehow, he doesn't engage, - He's laughed at whenever he comes on the stage; - His uncle they wont let him murder in peace, - But the incident causes a cry of "police." - The uncle elicits no pity at all, - For shouts of rude merriment follow his fall; - And when his assassin has killed him outright, - Some "wag" in the gallery bids him "good night." - The pathos of Trueman, though good of its sort, - Is met with proposals for cutting it short; - And Barnwell goes off to be hanged 'mid a cry - Of "shame," "turn him out," "serve him right" and "good-bye." - The pantomime now is awaited by all; - The house for the overture raises a call; - Confusion prevails, bits of orange-peel flit - From the gallery's hands to the heads of the pit; - The cat-call so loud, and the whistle so shrill, - Are blended with shouts such as "Bob, where's your 'Bill!'" - At length the musicians have taken their seats, - The leader a lamp with his fiddle-stick beats; - Such silences ensues that the dropping of pins - Might be heard through the house when the playing begins. - The overture's always a musical salad, - A mixture of Polka, Cachuca, and ballad: - If the season has furnished a popular air, - The ear that is ticklish will meet with it there. - The taste of the public will often insist on - A _solo_ for trumpet or _cornet-à-piston_, - Which, played well or ill, from the audience draws, - At Christmas, a general round of applause; - During holiday time you can never do wrong - If even a passage you gave to the gong, - Or formed a quartette most delicious and tender, - With poker, and shovel, and tongs, and the fender. - The overture's finished, the curtain's ascended, - A scene is before us exceedingly splendid. - A lovely princess is reduced to despair - At long being wooed by a man she can't bear, - A wretch in a mask with inelegant features, - That are found nowhere else but in pantomime creatures; - But after the lady there constantly dangles - A youth whose thin calves are bedizened with spangles; - For under his cloak his legs we discover, - And "afterwards harlequin" peeps through the lover. - - Of course the princess has a father severe, - With a mouth quite extending from ear unto ear; - His head is terrific, and, monstrous surprise, - If you look down his mouth you'll distinguish his eyes. - And as to his voice, if its source you should trace, - You'll find it proceeds from a very odd place— - A sort of incision just under his chin, - Through which he sends forth a most horrible din. - The choice of his daughter he does not approve, - And nothing the heart of the tyrant will move; - The lovers are both to despair giving way, - When of splendid machinery there's a display. - Some clouds from the stage unexpectedly rise, - While a sort of pavilion descends from the flies; - But somehow or other, it seems, in the air, - Their machine always is out of repair; - The clouds make a hitch, and refuse to expand, - Or the flying pavilion is brought to a stand. - The obstacle soon is surmounted, when straight - A fairy appears—the expounder of fate. - She bids the fair lady abandon her gloom, - And the aspect of columbine quickly assume; - At which the princess, being gone to the wing, - Has the whole of her dress dragged away by a string; - Then in petticoats wondrously short she advances, - And gives at the house the most sunny of glances. - To the youth in the spangles the fairy next speaks, - And bids him of harlequin practise the freaks; - The shape he assumes, and attention to win, - His head he sets off in a wonderful spin— - So rapidly twisting and twirling it round, - That we wonder it does not drop off on the ground. - The father and friend are let loose on the town, - As pantaloon one—and the other as clown; - A loud "here we are!" gains a general shout, - Pantaloon says his mother's aware he is out; - And then, 'mid a mutual kicking of shins, - The fun of the pantomime fairly begins. - Of course there's a baker who's robbed by the clown; - Of course there's an image-tray coolly pushed down; - Of course there's a baby crushed flat as a flounder; - Of course there's a lady with pickpockets round her; - Of course there's a pie, and of course (who could doubt of it?) - Directly it's opened, live pigeons fly out of it; - Of course there's a window, and steadfastly view it, - Of course you'll see harlequin neatly jump through it; - Of course there's an uproar, and then, to enrich it, - Of course there's a clamour for "Tippitywitchet;" - Of course it's encored, and, it need not be said, - Of course we're indulged with "Hot Codlins" instead; - Of course they all meet in the Cave of Despair, - And of course no one knows how they ever got there; - And of course the last scene is the Realms of Delight, - And of course there's a hope that you'll come every night; - And of course the kind fairy appears once again, - But why, she of course don't attempt to explain; - Of course she propitiates "all her kind friends." - The curtain then falls, and the pantomime ends. - -[Illustration] - - - CHANGE. - - How many minds has Julia got? - 'Tis really hard to say; - But she must have a precious lot— - She changes one each day! - -[Illustration: - - THE UNIVERSAL PHILANTHROPIST. -] - - - THE UNIVERSAL PHILANTHROPIST. - - Philanthropy, how pleasant is thy name! - How often have I sat up half the night - Some panegyric on thee to indite, - Until I've warmed myself into a flame - Enough to melt my heart within my frame. - Yes, on the subject I delight to dwell, - Penning those sentiments that always tell— - Calling on wealth to wear the blush of shame, - Because 'tis sometimes slow to "give, give, give" - The means whereby the famished poor may live. - Philanthropy! thy dictates I obey; - To pay thee homage I shall never cease; - (_To "Poor Man."_) - "Give you a penny! Nonsense! get away; - If you're not off I'll call for the police!" - - - THE CITY "FAST MAN." - -[Illustration: MR.] - -[Illustration: M^R.] FADDLE is a distinguished member of the Stock -Exchange, and decidedly one of the "fastest men" in the City. He makes -his appearance in the City at about half-past eleven every day; strolls -about the neighbourhood of the Bank, with his hands in the pockets of -his coat-tails; takes a sandwich at the Auction Mart, or oysters in -Finch Lane; and goes away about three, with the idea that he has been -very busy. We first met him at the Hanover Square Rooms. His dress was -rather peculiar; and at the first glance you said (to yourself), "This -is no common man;" and it is rather singular that the more you knew of -him, the more you became confirmed in that opinion. His coat was very -long in the waist, with singularly capacious sleeves; his neckcloth very -narrow; and his whiskers a triumph of art in the curling line. His -waistcoat was considerably larger than any you ever saw, except on an -ostler; his shirt was embroidered and very transparent, with some pink -substance underneath, that made one fancy he had recently been using the -flesh-brush very vigorously. His trousers were very tight about the -legs; and his boots very tight about the feet. The first remark he made -was on a young lady, who he said was "a good stepper." He next stated -that he had been at the "Corner" all day: on our inquiring where that -was, he said, with a contemptuous look, "Tattersall's, to be sure!" He -then told us that Lord Levant's "Wide Awake" was a likely horse for the -Leger; and said, if we were doing anything on it, we had better not lay -out our money on Captain Spavin's "Flare Up." His next inquiry was if we -knew Tom Spraggs? and upon our answering in the negative, he ejaculated, -quite loud, "Don't he drive cattle, that's all?" We fancied at first -that Mr. Spraggs might be a drover, but abandoned the idea in favour of -its being some technical term we did not understand. Here the -conversation flagged, and to resuscitate it we made a remark on Mr. -Faddle's coat-studs, and asked what they were made of? "Teeth," he said. -"Teeth!" we could not help exclaiming; "what teeth?" "Why, foxes' teeth, -to be sure," he said, turning away with an air of infinite disgust, and -never spoke to us again. - -We watched him at supper, and found he did not wait on other people -much, but took great care of himself. We heard him offer to get a -spaniel of some extraordinary breed for a young lady; but he never -thought of asking her if she would take anything, though he was eating -all the while himself. His appetite, in fact, was rather extensive. He -partook largely of the substantials, then addressed himself to the -plovers' eggs and lobster salads, and finished with a deep tankard of -beer, which he called "malt." Later in the evening we thought a strong -odour of tobacco pervaded the hall, and going out we found the "fast -man" with a "weed in his off-cheek," as he elegantly expressed it, just -preparing to start. His dog-cart was at the door, he jumped in, the -small tiger (quite a portable boy) climbed up behind, Mr. Faddle blew a -few loud notes with his post-horn, and we saw him no more. - - - EXPRESSIVE CHINESE PROVERBS. - -New milk is not got from a statue. - -An emperor may have the measles. - -A disobedient son is a mad bull tied to his father's pigtail. - -The man who breaks his egg in the centre is a fool. - -He who marries an angry woman must sleep in a bed of fireworks. - -One bird's-nest in the soup is worth two hundred in the bush. - -A wise man at court is like a mermaid in a ball-room. - -Carrying a peacock on your head does not make you a nobleman. - -Teaching a woman scandal is like teaching a kettle to boil. - -A comet can be caught any time by putting a little salt on its tail. - -Ambition is like hunting for fleas. - -If a golden key wont open a woman's heart, try one of brass. - -Shave with a file, if you like, but don't blame the razor. - -Looking into the future is like giving a blind man a pair of spectacles -to see through a millstone. - -The hasty man drinks his tea with a fork. - - - AN IMAGINARY RUN ON A TURKISH RAILWAY. - -[Illustration: The] FORMATION of the new railway across the Isthmus of -Suez is suggestive of some curious speculation as to the mode in which -business will be conducted by the Turks, whose tree of knowledge is -rather green upon such matters, and may get its owners into a line from -which it will not be easy to extricate themselves. - -The Lamp of Aladdin, of course, will be used as a safety signal, and the -bow-string (that "great moral engine" which draws everybody in the East -into one common terminus) as a signal of danger. It is also understood -that the celebrated "Slave of the Ring" will be posted by turns at the -different stations to announce the arrival of the trains; and that in -place of the electric telegraph, the celebrated telescope of Prince Ali -(which beat Lord Rosse's hollow) will be used in conjunction with the -Prince Hassein's carpet to discover accidents and despatch assistance; -while the apple of Prince Ahmed, which cured all diseases, will be used -for the relief of the sufferers. The solemnity of Eastern manners will -have a singular effect among the—to us—every-day associations connected -with railway travelling. We can fancy a director, on a dividend day, -exclaiming, "Holy Profit!" but we can _not_ fancy the chairman and -directors dining together afterwards at the Bosphorus Blackwall, -wherever that may be, without wine or whitebait, and getting through the -gormandizing process with their fingers. Then, on coming away, what a -tedious process it must be; the finding of the slippers which have been -left in the hall—an annoyance which an English director could imagine if -he had ever been obliged to leave a festive party at the Crown and -Sceptre in a small Wellington and a big Blucher, belonging to other -gentlemen. Of course, the subordinates on the line will be equally -polite with their betters. As a train arrives at a station, the Oriental -guard will rise from his chibouk, and say, with a profound salaam, "Kosh -Amedid! You are welcome!" and express a hope to the party, Pasha or -highly-fed Aga, as they alight from the first-class carrages, that their -respective shadows may never be less—which, by the way, to men who are -wont to indulge in habitual oxen, stuffed with perpetual pistachio nuts, -is rather an uncharitable wish than otherwise. Then the official will -solemnly approach the second class, and exclaim, "Mashallah, oh ye -gents—(there are doubtless gents in the East)—but are the tickets of the -faithful ready?" and add, on receiving them, "Bishmillah, the Mare of -Mahomet be praised!" To the third class, where the unbelievers will -throng, the expression will be—"Allah is great, and Mahomet is his -Prophet. Dogs of Christians, tickets!" Reversing the English custom, a -carriage must be set apart in every train for the infidels who do _not_ -smoke. - -[Illustration] - - - THE POTATO ITSELF AGAIN. - -We are glad to announce the recovery of the Potato. It has been too long -absent from the festive board, and we are sure its reappearance at the -dinner table will be hailed with all the warmth of a public friend, -whose generous nature enables thousands to keep the pot boiling all the -year round. How rejoiced the Baked Leg of Mutton will be to embrace its -old companion once more! The two agree so well that they never should be -separated. We can imagine the pans and kettles too, which have been -growing rather rusty in its absence, will now brighten up again at its -return, and bless "its dear eyes," _à la_ T. P. Cooke, to see it looking -so well. In Ireland its recovery will be quite a national feast. The -"whole biling" of them will be, let us hope, in every man's mouth. In -England, also, it will be a guest everywhere, from the palace to the -potato-can. England is proud of its Champion; and justly—for no Champion -strips so quickly for his rounds as the Potato. May it never leave us -again! We could well spare a better vegetable. - - - HOW TO MAKE SURE TO WIN. - A TALE OF A FAT CATTLE SHOW. - - The other day, in some country town, - A husbandman, who owned the name of Brown, - Had such a heifer as was never matched - In all the homesteads round; - So fine a head, such legs, and buttocks clean, - Small-boned, well-fleshed, its peer was never seen, - _Juste milieu_—fat and lean. - Farmers admired, and graziers praised galore. - Until the lucky owner vowed and swore, - "The lowest price for't wor a hundred pound." - But we all know that love can't get fat upon flowers, - And the heifer was found to fatten on praise. - Rent day _would_ come round, - Yet no hundred pound - Appearing—our farmer "flared up" to a blaze, - And getting a hint the "stumpy" to raise, - Thought the very best way to get the best price - Was to dabble a bit—he was not very nice— - In a morsel of gambling, and offer his friends - A chance for the prize, which should certainly go - By way of a _raffle_—five guineas a throw. - - —— - - Great was the clatter, the noise and array, - Of farmers at dinner the next market day. - The host of the Crown - In Diddleton town - Counted up on his fingers that forty sat down - To devour his hot roast and to drink his best ale, - Whilst they talked over crops, or reckoned the sale - Of their hay and their oats, - And the eels from their moats, - Of their lucerne, their tares, - Their apples, their pears, - Their boars and their sows, - Their calves and their cows; - But one and all joined, when the dinner had past, - In the cry "Now the raffle; who'll win her at last?" - But amidst all the noise one farmer was still, - Till he'd given his stomach a right hearty fill. - Then from deep 'neath his waistcoat a deeper voice stuttered, - "Cousin Stumps, thou'lt be in't, mind, and I'll share wi' you, - And Hodge, bo', you've paid, and I'm halves wi' you too. - And as for _my_ meaning, I'se just dropped the tin, - And wi' your luck and mine I feel cock-sure to win. - I doant come from Yorkshire for nothing, you know— - It's just three to one that I win on the throw; - And my luck, which has stood up so mony a time, - Makes me sure in a hour the beast'll be mine." - - —— - - "Clear off the dishes and cloth in a trice; - Bring in the grog and bring in the dice, - Two, three, four, and seven, - Eight, ten, and eleven." - The dice rattle down, and the numbers are told, - One after another the farmers are _sold_. - Till it's Farmer York's turn, - And his digits they burn - To handle the box and to give it the twist - That at old Crockford's College is taught to the wrist. - The ivories clatter— - All silence their chatter, - As they see with surprise and vexation enow, - How Dame Fortune will always well grease the fat sow. - The gamble is done— - Fat Yorkshire has won! - And the heifer, the glory of Diddleton town, - Is to trudge to his straw-yard from that of old Brown. - "Stop awhile", halloos Stumps, "half York's chance was mine, - And, safe enough, Hodge, t'other half must be thoine: - He went 'halves' in my chance, and he went shares in yours; - _And he's won the prize heifer to make it all ours_. - He don't come from Yorkshire for nothing, you see, - But makes 'cock sure to win'—for you and for me". - - - MORAL. - - Now all good youths and maidens, pray, - Who this true story scan, - Remember what I'm going to say. - And act on't—if you can; - Still on life's chequered strange highway, - Whatever path you cross, - Don't be too greedy, or you may - Make sure to win—_a loss_. - - - WHAT A GENTLEMAN MAY DO, AND - WHAT HE MAY NOT DO. - -He may carry a brace of partridges, but not a leg of mutton. - -He may be seen in the omnibus-box at the Opera, but not on the box of an -omnibus. - -He may be seen in a stall inside a theatre, but not at a stall outside -one. - -He may dust another person's jacket, but mustn't brush his own. - -He may kill a man in a duel, but he mustn't eat peas with his knife. - -He may thrash a coalheaver, but he mustn't ask twice for soup. - -He must pay his debts of honour, but he needn't trouble himself about -his tradesmen's bills. - -He may drive a stage-coach, but he mustn't take or carry coppers. - -He may ride a horse as a jockey, but he mustn't exert himself in the -least to get his living. - -He must never forget what he owes to himself as a gentleman, but he need -not mind what he owes as a gentleman to his tailor. - -He may do anything, or anybody, in fact, within the range of a -gentleman—go through the Insolvent Debtors Court, or turn -billiard-marker; but he must never on any account carry a brown paper -parcel, or appear in the streets without a pair of gloves. - -[Illustration: - - THE GENEALOGICAL SHIRT. -] - -[Illustration] - - - SHIRTICULTURE. - -A new branch of the Fine Arts has lately flourished, which we do not -know how to designate by any better name than SHIRTICULTURE. It is the -art of painting on shirts—an art which cannot fail to go to the bosom of -every one who enters at all into it. It was a favourite maxim of Buffon, -that "_Le style c'est l'homme_." With all due respect to one who dressed -animals in the finest language, we beg to say, that nowadays "_La -chemise c'est l'homme_." The shirt is the man. Depend upon it, that -shortly the particular profession, trade, penchant, or weakness of every -one, will be laid bare to the whole world upon his breast. The gent has -nearest to his heart a ballet-girl; and the sportsman is immediately -detected by the last winner of the Derby peeping through his "Dickey." -The noble game of cricket has been got up on a piece of lawn, no bigger -than your chest; and we have seen Jack Sheppard breaking through a -publican's shirt-front. Rowing matches not unfrequently run down the -back of a river swell; and we know a gentleman who never appears on the -turf without a whole steeple-chase galloping right over him, with a -tremendous hunter jumping over each shoulder. The rage for pictorial -shirts will ultimately spread over everybody in the kingdom. Men of -noble descent will be drawing out their genealogical tree on a square of -fine calico; and admirers of the "Fancy" will be putting their pet -bull-dogs into muslin. We shall have heraldic shirts, theatrical shirts, -military shirts, archæological and antiquarian shirts, temperance and -convivial shirts, and shirts with portraits of puppy-dogs, men, parrots, -and women. We shall have artists in shirts, as we have artists in hair; -and every washerwoman's drying-ground will be an exhibition, to which -the public will be admitted without having to pay a shilling to witness -the pictures. A catalogue, in fact, could be drawn up, and might run as -follows:— - - - EXHIBITION OF SHIRTS IN THE WASHING ACADEMY OF MRS. TUBBS AND - JACK TOWELL, ESQ., BALL'S POND. - - 1. Portrait of a Fat Cook, in the possession of A 1 and B 2. - - 2. A Lion's Head, sketched from a celebrated door-knocker in - Portland Place, which was taken off on November 15, 1842, by a noble - marquis. - - 3. Cleopatra, a beautiful pug, and Sulky Bob, a lovely terrier, - belonging to the Houndsditch Stunner. - - 4. The Last o' Peel—Sir Robert tendering his resignation to Her - Majesty. - - 5. Leg of mutton and trimmings—the shirt of an alderman. - - 6. Views of Canterbury and York cathedrals—The two sleeves of a - bishop. - - 7. A Soldier's Beer, and Relieving Guard; the shirt of two Blues—The - souvenirs of a housemaid. - - 8. "'Till so gently stealing;" Jack Sheppard helping himself in Mr. - Wood's shop—The shirt of a young gentleman in Field Lane. - - 9. The Last Man—the property of a life-pill manufacturer. - - 10. St. George's, Hanover Square—The bosom comforter of a young - lady. - - 11. "When hollow hearts shall wear a mask;" a view of Jullien's - Masquerade—A False Front, late the property of a medical student, - but now belonging to his cherished Uncle. - - 12. Distant view of Reading—The shirt of a critic. - - 13. Polly, a celebrated Hampshire pig, who won the prize for short - snouts and curly tails, at the Royal Agricultural Show, 1845—The - chemise of Mr. Giblett. - - - A LONDON INTERIOR. - -If you have ever been to the Casino, you must have seen young Watts -O'Clock. He aspired, in his Gentish soul, to be "a Fast Man;" and -certainly his ambition was gratified, for he was universally looked upon -as the "Fastest of the Fast." He went so fast that eventually he -disappeared altogether. - -I was going home very late, one dark morning, when I heard my name -called out. I looked up, and noticed before my door an immense -advertising van. The name issued again from one of the little windows at -the side, and, lo! I recognised the Roman nose of Watts O'Clock peeping -through it. Where there is a nose, I said, there must be a face; and if -there is a face, it is highly probable that there is a body somewhere to -it. - -"Come up, my boy," the same voice and nose continued. I needed no -further invitation. In another minute I was inside the van. True enough, -it was young Watts. The interior was fitted up not very stylishly, but -just as good as any lodging-house. The walls were papered with a -handsome pattern, at three-halfpence a yard. In one corner of the room -was a turn-up bedstead, and in the other a large sofa. A table and two -chairs completed the furniture—with a meerschaum and a lucifer-box. - -"Glad to see you," he said; "make yourself at home." - -"It's a queer place for home," I could not help saying. - -"Not at all. I've been here ten days, and I can assure you it's precious -comfortable. No taxes; and rent only three shillings a week; and nothing -for attendance. Not an extra, except occasionally a turnpike." - -"And it has one advantage, you can go wherever you like, and move as -often as you please." - -"Exactly. Last night I slept in Drury Lane; the night before in the -Borough; to-night, you see, I honour your neighbourhood with a visit; -this morning I make a call in Tottenham Court Road, and then on to -Gretna Green." - -"Gretna Green!" I exclaimed; "whatever is taking you in an advertising -van to Gretna Green?" - -"A matter of affection," he said, seriously. "Jack, did you ever see an -elopement in high life? Well, then, my good fellow, you shall see one -this morning. Here, I say, old slowcoach," he exclaimed, putting his -head out of the door, and speaking to the driver. "The old shop, Great -Russell Street; and take care of the corners, mind. The stupid fool -nearly upset the van the other day, driving sharp round Percy Street. I -was breakfasting at the time, and received the teapot in my bosom, -besides stamping a medal with the exact copy of my features on a pound -of butter." - -"But how came you here?" - -"Why, the constable drove me to it. We had a running match together last -week. The long-legged runner of the law was gaining rapidly upon me. I -saw Whitecross before me. Fear lent me the rapidity of a mad bull. Every -one got out of my way. I bounded through the Little Turnstile like a pea -through a tube. I found myself in Holborn. I felt the asthma of the -bailiff close behind me. My left shoulder ached with the ague of a -thousand writs. There is a touch in human nature which makes all mankind -run; and that is the touch of a sheriff's officer. I ran across the -road, but lo! an immense tower, a moving house, a mountain on wheels, in -short, an advertising van, obstructed my path. Hope whispered into my -ear, 'Get into it, you donkey!' In another minute I had jumped over the -driver's head, and was inside these hospitable walls. I peeped through -one of the eyes of 'Grimstone's Snuff' posters, and saw my pursuer -looking wildly for me in every direction, wondering where I had -disappeared to. I bought that good driver's silence, and I have remained -his tenant ever since. We go on remarkably well together, excepting when -he takes a strange turn, and upsets me by his clumsy driving. I stop -here, because it is not safe to venture out, and so I have furnished my -portable apartment as comfortably as I can." Here the van stopped, and -Watts said, "Now, my good fellow, I must trouble you to leave me. This -is the house where my flame lives. You see it is burning now in the -bedroom window. She elopes with me to-night. I have been courting her -now, thanks to that long ladder, for the last week. A modern version of -Romeo and Juliet. She has consented to entrust her fortune to me. She is -an heiress, as I needn't tell you. But her window opens. Dear creature, -how anxiously she's expecting me. Fondest Emily, I fly to you. Leave me, -Jackey, and witness this elopement in high life outside my humble -habitation." So saying, he ran up the ladder which was perched against -the side of the interior of his lodging. I watched him from the street. -The top of the monster cart was just on a level with the bedroom -windows. A fair form issued out of one. A pair of arms caught the -trembling figure, and they disappeared together down the hollow square -of the van. The next moment a handkerchief, with a portrait of the -winner of the Derby, was waved out of one of the little windows of the -vehicle, and I heard Watts's voice call out, "Coachman, Gretna Green!" -Whether the van ever reached its destination is a mystery which must -remain in darkness for the present. - - - POPULAR CONTINENTAL DELUSIONS RESPECTING ENGLAND. - -That Englishmen never eat anything but "biftecks" and "pomme-de-terres." - -That a Lord, when he is displeased with his wife, can take her to -Smithfield, and putting a rope round her neck, sell her in the market -for a pot of beer, or whatever a drunken drover chooses to bid for her. - -That brandy is allowed to be drunk in the House of Lords. - -That no daguerreotype can be taken in London, in consequence of the -perpetual fogs; and that the church clocks are illuminated for the same -obscure reason. - -That the only pastry is plum-pudding; the only wine, ale or porter; the -only fruit, baked potatoes; the only song, "God Save the Queen," and the -only national amusement, boxing. - -That no gentleman's establishment is complete without a bull-dog. - -That the ladies propose to the gentlemen; that Gretna Green is an -omni-bus-ride from London, and that half the marriages in England, those -of Royalty and cooks included, are celebrated by The Blacksmith. - -That commissions are purchasable in the police force, and that the sons -of noblemen are proud to serve in it. - -That the result of every dinner-party is for the gentlemen to drop, one -by one, underneath the table, after which they are carried upstairs to -the ladies. - -That half the population is "_milors_," and the other half -"_millionaires_." - -That there is no English school of painting, excepting that practised by -Clowns and Ethiopians. - -That the Boy Jones is (if the truth was known) a member of the Royal -Family. - -That George the Fourth was in the habit of going to the Coal Hole. - -That Watt stole his steam-engine from the French; and other absurdities -by far too numerous to mention. - - - NEW YEAR'S GIFTS. - -A LITTLE WRINKLE FOR NEXT SESSION.—If the parliamentary privilege of -freedom from arrest is done away with, we are afraid that the question -of the Jews in a British Parliament will touch not only the prejudices -but the persons of certain members too closely ever to be admitted. - -CURIOUS DISCOVERY OF A SKELETON.—The perfect skeleton of a goose is -found in November next in Thames Tunnel by a police-officer looking for -an escaped criminal. The poor animal is supposed to have taken refuge -there on Michaelmas day, and to have died of starvation. This little -paragraph is written to record its sagacity. Readers, if you have any -sympathy, you will drop a tear to the memory of that goose! - -Why do sailors serving in brigs make bad servants? - -Because it's impossible for a man to serve _two-masters_. - -A NOVELTY.—Prince Albert's pig does not get a prize this year. The law -is a long Chancery Lane that hath no turning but Portugal Street. - -"OUR NATURAL ENEMIES"—tailors. - -"THE BOTTLE."—"Ah, my dear fellow, you're gradually drinking yourself -into the grave," as the Pint Bottle said to the Quart. - -PROVERB JUST IMPORTED FROM BOULOGNE.—A moustache covers a multitude of -debts. - - - QUESTION AND ANSWER. - -_Shakspeare._—"What's in a name?" - -_Widdicombe._—"The continual nuisance of writing your autograph." - - - FULL-FLAVOURED SIMILE. - -Men are frequently like tea—their real strength and goodness is not -properly drawn out of them till they have been for a short time in hot -water. - - * * * * * - -WHO SAYS IT ISN'T?—The reason so many whales are found about the North -Pole is, because they supply all the Northern Lights with oil.— -_Communicated by a Traveller._ - -[Illustration: - - _The Preparatory School for Fast Men._ - - To teach the young idea how to shoot, smoke, drink, fight, cheat, and - the various accomplishments of "regular bricks." -] - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1849. - - - PROJECTED LINES - TO RUN THROUGH ALL ALMANACKS. - -MOVEABLE FEASTS.—The greatest one on record is the Barmecide Feast of -Sancho Panza. - -FAST-DAYS.—Greenwich Fair at Easter and Whitsuntide, the Derby, the -Thames Regatta, balloon days at Cremorne, and masquerade mornings at -Jullien's. - -[Illustration: - - CANVASSING THE LIVERY. -] - -MICHAELMAS DAY.—Election of the Lord Mayor—Moses takes his measure, and -rushes home to cut up the goose. - -LEAP YEAR.—It takes three springs to make one leap year. - -PURIFICATION.—It is very curious that the very day after Candlemas -should be the anniversary of a "Blaize." - -HOLIDAY AT CHANCE. OFFICES.—The English of Chance. is Chancery. - -LOW SUNDAY.—Boating on the Thames, or riding in the Park on a hired -horse. - -OLD MAY DAY.—An exiled Pole in England. - -LENT.—To ascertain its beginning and end, you have only to become -security for a friend at a Loan Office. - -BARTHOLOMEW.—One of the reduced fairs. - -CHRISTMAS.—The Earl of A-db-r-gh presents all his servants with -Christmas Boxes—of Holloway's pills. - -OLD LADY-DAY.—The only lady whose age is known to a day. - -[Illustration: - - THIS IS WHAT LADIES CALL A MINIATURE BROOCH!!! -] - - - FASHIONS FOR 1849. - -The rage for flounces in ladies' dresses will grow deeper and deeper. -Two noble Duchesses will compete as to the greater number. They will -continue each time bidding one flounce over one another, till their -dresses will be nothing but flounces. The fashion is evidently borrowed -from the hackney-coachman's cape. - -[Illustration: - - PORTRAIT OF A LADY OF RANK AS SHE WILL APPEAR AT THE HORTICULTURAL - FETE NEXT YEAR. -] - -Gentlemen's fashions will remain just the same, that is to say, as ugly -as ever. - - - A DREAM OF THE YEAR. - (AFTER PLANCHE'S "DÆDALUS.") - -[Illustration: 1848] - - I'm in such a flutter I scarcely can utter - The words to my tongue that come dancing—come dancing - I've had such a dream, that it really must seem - To a telegraph e'en like romancing—romancing; - I must have got frisky on Kinahan's whisky, - Although I don't wish you to blab it—to blab it; - Or else 'twas a question of slight indigestion, - Through eating too much of Welsh rabbit—Welsh rabbit. - - I dreamt Lord John Russell was dining with Fussell, - To meet Louis Blanc and Alboni—Alboni, - When Feargus O'Connor declared, on his honour, - He'd only had half a polony—polony. - On which all the Chartists and Suffolk Street artists - Ran off to the train and got in it—got in it, - In spite of their fears of the new engineers, - Who blew up a boiler a minute—a minute. - - On this, Ben Disraeli, who'd burnt the Old Bailey, - Declined being paid for his trouble—his trouble; - And ran in a funk to the Joss on the junk, - To prove Schleswig-Holstein a bubble—a bubble. - So Barbés and Blanqui both looked very cranky, - Because Jenny Lind chose to marry-to marry; - But Thackeray cried, "If you bother the bride, - I'll wed her at once to John Parry—John Parry." - -[Illustration: - - _Female Parliament_— - - _German Parliament_— - - _Irish Parliament_— - - _A Sheet of Parliament._ -] - -[Illustration: - - FOUR WARNED——FOUR ARMED. -] - - I next had a row, I can scarcely tell how, - With Van Amburgh for showing his lion—his lion, - And stealing a sack from the widow Cormack, - In which she had popp'd Smith O'Brien—O'Brien; - When Soyer came up with a Summerley cup, - Just purchased at Stowe for a shilling—a shilling, - And told the inspector he'd give him some nectar, - Provided they came to no killing—no killing. - - Then Anstey arose, and he took off his clothes, - To prepare for a six months' oration—oration; - When Monsieur Dumas said he was but an ass, - To bathe in the Hyde Park stagnation—stagnation. - On which hurry-scurry they flew in a hurry, - To shut Mrs. Gore in the Tower—the Tower— - With Juba and Pell, to amuse her as well, - Whilst she wrote fifteen novels an hour—an hour. - - But Charles Dickens caught up a plate quick as thought, - And made it spin round on his finger—his finger: - Till Wellington came, and observing his game, - Was afraid any longer to linger—to linger. - So Gilbert A'Beckett swore he would soon check it, - And drew up a statement confessing—confessing, - That all he had done had been nothing but fun, - So Wakley might give him his blessing—his blessing. - - I next heard a scream, and a whistle and gleam, - A racketing noise and a humming—a humming; - And then an increase of the railway police - Proved Mr. G. Hudson was coming—was coming. - As he aimed at my head I jumped clean out of bed, - For I knew he would give me no quarter—no quarter; - And a knock at the door as I fell on the floor - Show'd the servant had brought my hot water—hot water. - -[Illustration: THE TERMINUS OF THE SOUTH-WESTERN RAILWAY] - - - A RAILWAY TRIP IN THE AUTUMN OF 1848 IN - SEARCH OF THE PICTURESQUE. - -It is not so easy to find the New Waterloo Terminus of the South-Western -Railway, but, by dint of innumerable halfpence to innumerable little -boys, and chartering several policemen, we found it at last. It is a -good day's walk _from_ Waterloo Bridge—that is to say, if you cross the -river in the morning, you may reach it before the evening; even then you -will require to have a guide, or else you will infallibly pass it -without ever suspecting that tremendous high wall, with a lamp-post -growing out of the top, is - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -The architecture of the terminus partakes very largely of the impromptu -Band-box Order. The offices must have been designed by the architect who -ran up in one day the House of Commons Committee Rooms. You imagine -innumerable floors must have been torn up, for all the works published -at this office are bound in strong boards. However, they look very light -and airy, though hardly adapted, we should say, to stand against a -strong wind. It would be a curious sight to see, some day next March, a -covey of railway offices winging their way down the Strand in the -direction of Birdcage Walk. - -But the railway is whistling to us. Suppose we take a four-penny trip -down the line to view the - - - SPLENDID SCENERY FROM WATERLOO - BRIDGE TO NINE-ELMS. - -We believe there is nothing like it in the world, excepting the -Blackwall line. - -We will jot down right and left the principal beauties that most enchant -us on this picturesque little railway, which is certainly the most -laconic line that was ever sent through the electric post by one company -to another. - -We are sitting with our backs (though, by-the-bye, we have but one back) -to the New Cut; the fertile district of Lambeth is on one side, the -milky river on the other. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -We were quite taken aback with the immense forest of chimneys which the -engine cuts through like so much brush wood; they seem to be the only -vegetation of the place. It is easy to distinguish the chimneys that -have been recently stacked from those of previous years' crops. A -curious windmill, supposed to have attained the age of three hundred and -twenty, meets the left eye. It is quite the Methuselah of windmills. -Cockney artists come from far and near to ask it to give them a sitting. - -Your right eye will not fail to light up with the group of merry pipers -that are sitting on the roof of the "Duke of Wellington." Their bright -tankards sparkle in the sun, with which they moisten their respective -clays. They present a pleasing picture of the happy peasantry of the -suburbs. One laughing fellow presents his tankard to us, but we are -obliged to refuse it, from the reason that the railway will not stop to -allow us to take it. - -An immense volume of smoke from a supposed brewery, though the perfume -from the brewery is not particularly hoppy, is at the present moment -delivered to the public in numbers. The passenger, if he is wise, will -shut his eyes, and not open them again till he sees that it has quite -blown over. - -A magpie in a wicker cage, suspended from an attic window, is worth the -passing sympathy of the third-class passenger. The first-class ditto can -have no sympathy, from the obvious fact that he cannot see anything -(MEM. To enjoy nature, there is nothing like the third-class; to enjoy a -good snooze, there is nothing like the first.) We do not envy that poor -magpie, with the engine rushing by him all day long. See how he crouches -into the corner of his prison! And hark! he has learnt the railway -whistle. Wretched bird! thou canst not have a pleasant life of it. How -willingly, methinks, thou wouldst hop the twig, if thou couldst! - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -But what is that? It looks like a large game of scratch-cradle—but no, -it isn't—it is merely the top of a gas factory. We wonder if they take -off the lids of those immense black cauldrons, when they want to see how -the pot boils? - -Behold how contentedly that man is smoking his pipe, with his bare arms -resting on the parapet of the railway, as if it were a cushion. The -train rushes screaming by him, but not an eye winks, not a nerve shakes. -The pipe still hangs from the lips of that iron man—well adapted to live -so close and be, a railway sleeper. By-the-bye, it cannot be pleasant to -have an engine almost touching your bedroom window whilst you are -shaving! - -Look to your right, you will see the Houses of Parliament, the Barrycade -of Westminster that has now been up for six years, and likely to remain -up for thirty more. The bird you see on the top is a crane. It is sacred -hereabouts, and is highway robbery if any one attempts to dislodge it. - -The Thames is worth looking at; but you must be quick, for unless you -look down that narrow street before the train passes it, you will not -see it. The silver speck—like a half-crown—you see at the end of that -lane is the Thames. - -Turn quick to the left; you will perceive what an Englishman most -delights in—a fight. - -Bah! you're too late; the Policeman has emerged from some invisible -spot, and the fight is adjourned. One man in blue disperses five hundred -Britons. - -You will see plenty of English Interiors on each side of the country. -They display all varieties of paper, mostly at a halfpenny a yard. How -desolate the fireplaces look, and yet they are interesting, as the last -abiding-places of the grate must always be. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -How ferocious those chimneys look!—they give you quite a turn. Hurrah! -now we approach Vauxhall! At night you can see the fireworks for -nothing. Sometimes they drop in also upon you. A Roman wheel -occasionally visits the first-class carriage, when he proves a very -troublesome visitor, and which no one likes to turn out. The sticks—the -departed ghosts of the short-lived rockets—think nothing of falling down -upon the third-class passengers. But in the day-time you have nothing of -these entertainments. All you see is the shell of the pagoda peeping -through the trees, or an artist busy in veneering ham for the -sandwiches; or you may get a small view of the airy abode of Il Diavolo, -who led such a wire-drawn existence. - -[Illustration] - -Holla! there's a cab coming over Vauxhall Bridge, and a steamer going -underneath it. The horse still carries it over steam occasionally. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -Now, you have reached the Vauxhall terminus. But which is the way out? -There, down that trap. Why, it looks like the cabin of a steamer; but it -isn't. Venture down it—it only takes you into the cellar, for the -passengers at this station are shot out through a dry arch. But this -species of exit—underhand as it is—is not half so perplexing as the one -at Waterloo Bridge—as they will persist in calling the terminus—though -never were Directors so far out in their calculations. Here, as you rush -in a hurry to discover the exit, you are stopped by the following -directions:— - -[Illustration: THE WAY OUT] - -Well, how have you enjoyed your trip? Only consider the variegated -landscape, the picturesque scenery, the wonderful insight into the -domestic habits of the natives, which you have just enjoyed in your -delightful little trip of three minutes' rapid flight over roof and -chimneys, from Waterloo Bridge to Nine Elms. If you are a real lover of -nature, you will never forget it as long as you live. - -[Illustration: - - RAILWAY PORTRAITS, TAKEN AT THE RATE OF FIFTY MILES AN HOUR. -] - - - EMIGRATION CARRIED TO AN ABSURD EXTENT, - OR, - -[Illustration: - - WIDDICOMBE SITTING AMONGST THE RUINS OF LONDON. -] - - * * * * * - -AN ASYLUM FOR STRANDED PASSENGERS.—The Lowther Arcade has been called -the Gents' Umbrella. Might it not also be called the Ladies' Parasol? - -[Illustration: - - THE HAUNT OF THE REINDEER. -] - - - THE SYREN AND THE PHILOSOPHER. - A MARINE DUET. - -[Illustration] - - SYREN. Here beneath the deep blue waters - Where the sea-plants twist and curl, - And the ocean's loveliest daughters - Dwell in palaces of pearl, - Come unto me. I've a notion - That for those of mortal birth - Fairer far must be the ocean - Than the dry and stupid earth. - - PHIL. No, fair Peri; I have lectured - On each scientific theme, - And propounded, and conjectured— - Showed the air-pump, gas, and steam. - But, to make my story shorter, - I was taught, e'en in my teens, - When the nose is under water - Suffocation supervenes. - - SYREN. Golden halls with diamonds dusted - Shall rejoice thy wondering eyes. - PHIL. No, with barnacles encrusted, - There each foundered treasure lies. - SYREN. Every costly jewel twinkles - In the ocean's caverns green. - PHIL. No, there's naught but weeds and winkles - On those rocks that I have seen. - - SYREN. Daintiest food, my mortal lover, - I will bring thee with this hand. - PHIL. No, I fear I should discover - 'Midst the viands too much sand. - SYREN. I will love thee well and dearly, - Sing thee songs of music rare. - PHIL. No, acoustics prove most clearly - Sound exists alone in air. - - SYREN. Sea-born nymphs shall serve your table— - Syrens of the fairest mien. - PHIL. I assure you 'tis a fable, - Mermaids yet have ne'er been seen. - One there was in Piccadilly, - Half a fish, and half an ape; - You must think me very silly - To believe in such a shape. - - SYREN. Horrid science! ever giving - Negatives to fancies fair; - Yet, if I can't have thee living— - Dead, my kingdom you shall share. - I will raise the waters o'er thee; - See, they rise! you have no boat. - PHIL. But I swim away before thee, - Furnished with a Patent Float! - -[Illustration] - - - A LITTLE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEM. - -_Bagman (with his bill)._ "I say, waiter, haven't you charged me as a -gentleman?" - -_Waiter._ "Oh! no,—as a commercial traveller, sir." - - * * * * * - -TO DESCRIBE A CIRCLE ROUND A GIVEN POINT.—Get into a cab, and order the -driver to take you to the Bank of England. - - * * * * * - -HOW TO SEE JENNY LIND'S PORTRAIT.—Visit an affected mother; let the -subject of your conversation be the Opera, and she is sure to introduce -one of her daughters who is universally acknowledged to be the "exact -picture of Jenny Lind." - - - INCREDIBLE TESTIMONIAL. - - THE EARL OF OLDBUFFOUGH'S DAUGHTER'S DOLL - CURED BY THE USE OF - HOLLOWAY'S OINTMENT, ROWLAND'S KALYDOR AND MACASSAR, - GRIMSTONE'S EYE SNUFF, - PARR'S LIFE PILLS, STOLBERG'S VOICE LOZENGES, ETC. - -[Illustration: - - MORRISON'S PILLS—A GREAT REDUCTION ON TAKING a QUANTITY. -] - - Extract from an interesting Letter from Lady AMELIA (the lovely - Daughter of the venerable Earl of OLDBUFFOUGH) to her Cousin, Lady - ARAMINTA LAMB. - - "NAPLES, _9th of October, 1848_. - - "MY DEAREST, DEAREST, DEAREST, EVER FONDEST ARAMINTA,—On my arrival - here I was _so_ sorry to learn that my darling doll had been thrown - out of the carriage, and sadly hurt by the fall; but I must tell - you, first of all, she had been terribly upset by the shaking of the - steam-vessel, for she tumbled out of her berth, and it was a - thousand mercies she was not smashed into a thousand pieces. As it - was, the shock was too much for her delicate nerves, and she was - laid up for a month in a drawer. Her beautiful ringlets (auburn, you - will recollect) all fell off. Her lovely complexion had completely - gone from dropping into the sea, and her pretty eyelids, once so - quick, would neither open nor shut, though I tried pins and - everything I could think of to make her open them. Oh, Araminta - darling, believe me when I assure you I was tossed about so madly - that I was completely bouleversé. - - "I was quite distracted with the fearful change. I called in the - assistance of the most experienced Italian doll-makers, but their - remedies were unavailing. My little pet gradually got worse, when - mamma's French maid, Smith, persuaded me to apply to my sister's - toilet-table for restoratives. After several applications of - Macassar Oil to her bald head, I cannot tell you how delighted I was - to perceive the hair beginning to grow again. I jumped for joy. I - was quite a little mad thing for the space of ten minutes! But I - persevered, and now (thanks be to that sweet Rowland) her ringlets - are just as beautiful as ever, with this slight difference, that - they are now jet black instead of the light auburn they formerly - were. The little dear looks all the better for the change of hair. - Still its complexion was _so_ very bad, I did not like to take her - out with me into society at all. Smith again, like a good creature, - recommended me to try some of Rowland's Kalydor. I did. I washed the - darling's face with it every morning for a week, and you will - scarcely believe it, but it is no story, when I assure you that my - doll has quite resumed her pristine bloom, and is now as pure and as - lovely as ever. But her eyes pained me the most, so I made bold to - ask Sir John Sheepshanks, who never travels without Holloway's - Ointment, to oblige me with a little bit. He gave me as much as - would cover your tongue, and, before putting her to bed, I placed it - over her eyelids, and the next morning gave her a good pinch of - Grimstone's Eye Snuff, when, upon pulling the strings, will you - credit me on my word, my dearest Araminta, when I inform you that - her eyelids opened and shut just as well as when my dear papa gave - me the beautiful doll on my birthday. I was going to give her a - small box (price 11_s._) of Parr's Life Pills, but Smith assured me - she would probably come _alive_, and I was frightened, as we have no - nurserymaid here to attend to her. My doll is now quite a new - creature, and I should advise you, Minta dearest, to try the same - remedies, if ever you find yours looking faint, or losing her - colour, or growing old. - - "_Toute à toi, mia amica cara_ Minta, - "AMELIA. - - "I forgot to tell you, that my sweet pet also lost her voice from - catching cold rather late one night at the Opera. I gave her half a - dozen of Stolberg's Voice Lozenges, and now she says 'Pa' and 'Ma' - more distinctly than ever. You recollect, too, her voice was a deep - baritone. It has changed to the most beautiful falsetto! Isn't it - wonderful?" - -[Illustration: - - "THE HUM OF MEN." -] - - - HOW STARS ARE DISCOVERED. - -MONS. ARAGO says:—"Talking of the new fashion of discovering stars:— -there's my friend Millevoye, who wrote to me post-haste one morning to -say, he had just discovered two new stars! Now, one star is enough at -any time, but two were so surprising in my eyes, that I rushed to him -immediately to see if there was anything in them. 'Come, my dear -Millevoye,' I said, 'can you look me in the face and say you have -discovered two new stars?' 'I can,' he said boldly, and he turned his -eyes full upon mine. The absurdity of the thing flashed so ridiculously -upon me that I could not help laughing—the double discovery was at once -apparent—_for the poor fellow squinted_. Take my word, never believe in -a new star till you have seen it yourself." - -[Illustration: - - HISTORICAL PORTRAIT OF IRONSIDES. -] - - - ASTLEY'S HISTORICAL QUESTIONS. - -Many of us owe to a visit to Astley's our earliest initiation into the -mysteries of histories; and we are of opinion that a set of questions -should be framed in accordance with these grand dog-mata—or horse-mata, -as a maliciously-disposed person might call them—which we have gleaned -from the boards of that great equestrian establishment. The arena of the -circus is not a mere desert of sand or sawdust to him who looks at it -with an intelligent eye, for many a wise saw may be picked up from the -aforesaid sawdust, if the eye itself does not disdain the humility of -the pupil. We subjoin a few specimens of the sort of questions and -answers that would be found to meet the case, if we looked at history -through some of Astley's grand spectacles. - -_Q._ How was the battle of Waterloo decided? - -_A._ By six Scotch Greys popping out from under two trusses of straw -beautifully divided into six, and representing about half a pint of -"standing corn," from which the gallant fellows emerged in time to -"discomfit" eight French cuirassiers, who retired before the battery of -the flats of the enemy's swords upon their highly polished -breast-plates. - -_Q._ How did Napoleon succeed in crossing the Alps? - -_A._ He was carried across in an open boat on the backs of four -supernumeraries. - -_Q._ In what manner did the Emperor travel to Russia? - -_A._ In a pasteboard hackney-coach, gorgeously emblazoned with Dutch -metal, and which had been discovered among the rich relics of barbarism -used for the old melodrama of Xaia of China. - -_Q._ How did the Duke of Wellington behave at Waterloo? - -_A._ He never spoke a single word, but pranced about, looking -unutterable things, on a piebald charger. - -_Q._ To what are our successes in India attributable? - -_A._ To Lady Sale having surmounted an extensive range of platforms on a -highly trained steed, and called upon "the whole strength of the -company, with a numerous train of auxiliaries," to "advance for the -honour of Old England," while the band in the orchestra played "Rule -Britannia." - -_Q._ Mention some prominent points connected with the burning of Moscow? - -_A._ There were several terrific bangs, which had the effect of throwing -a red glare over the whole scene; and several of the public buildings -fell like the flap of a dining-table, showing underneath a very ruinous -state of things; while the inhabitants appeared to be indulging -themselves in letting off squibs and crackers into the air for the -purpose of heightening the horrors of the conflagration. - -_Q._ What became of Napoleon's trusty Mameluke? - -_A._ On the last occasion that he took a part in public affairs he was -recognised as a baker who had been just pillaged and pummelled by the -clown in a pantomime. - -_Q._ State some of the most striking peculiarities of the late Emperor -Napoleon? - -_A._ He chiefly depended for his advice on the "ferry-man" of his army; -he took immense quantities of "property" snuff from a "practicable" -snuff-box; he granted long interviews to "females in distress," and -finished every alternate speech he made by declaring himself "the son of -destin_ie_." - - - APOLLO ARRESTED BY A WRIT. - -It was said of a certain officer of a certain sheriff, "nihil tetigit -quod non ornavit," which means that it was really an honour to receive a -tap on the shoulder at his hands, and we have no doubt that even a writ -would have acquired from his peculiar touch a grace and a dignity. We -know there is nothing that may not be elevated by poetry, and we have -endeavoured therefore to force the Muses into the service of a writ for -the purpose of investing it with a new charm, and giving it what it -ought to possess—a taking character, in place of the old prosaic form, -which is repulsive rather than attractive, and instead of enabling every -one who runs to read, causes every one who reads to run. We would throw -it into verse, and, by giving it poetical feet, place it on quite a new -footing:— - - Oh, come to me where Denman sits. - Victoria unto thee - Sends greeting, from her store of writs, - The one which now you see. - - Within eight days we do command - (I'll own the time is short), - At Westminster, you'll understand, - You must appear in court. - - It is an action on the case - At Laura Thomson's suit— - Her claims, if you have got the face, - Come forward and dispute. - - Take notice, also, by the way, - If this you fail to do, - The aforesaid Laura Thomson may - Appearance make for you; - - And then to judgment proceed, - With execution straight. - My friendly counsel prithee heed, - And thus avoid your fate. - - Thomas, Lord Denman, you I call - Witness, of learning sober, - At Westminster's historic hall, - This first day of October. - - But if, ere four brief days have fled, - The debt and costs be paid, - No further you'll by law be bled— - Proceedings will be stay'd. - - - CONSCIENCE MONEY. - -"A FAST man, who acknowledges having read the 'COMIC ALMANACK' of last -year through the shop-windows, and is ashamed now of the petty meanness, -begs to forward to the Editor, as conscience money, the sum of One -Shilling. The halves of six blue postage-stamps are now enclosed, and -the remaining halves will be forwarded as soon as the first are -acknowledged." - -[Illustration] - -[The above have been duly handed over to Mr. Bogue, who has generously -paid the amount into the Poor-box for the _Relief of Distressed Jokers_— -a most deserving charity.—ED. C. A.] - - - THINGS THAT ARE INDISPENSABLE FOR A - GENTLEMAN'S POCKET. - -Advertisers seem to imagine that a gentleman's pocket is as capacious as -a kangaroo's—everything is for the pocket. We subjoin a few that will go -to the bosom of every gentleman, especially those who have carried them— -as the pressure of so many articles must have been rather inconvenient, -if carried in the waistcoat pocket. - - Pocket-comb. - Pocket Shakspeare. - Pocket Map. - Pocket Case of Instruments. - Pocket Sandwich-box. - Pocket Cab and Hackney-coach Fares. - Pocket Guide. - Pocket Dictionary. - Pocket Classics. - Pocket Dressing-case. - Pocket Life-preserver. - Pocket Constable's Staff. - Pocket Respirator, &c., &c. - -to say nothing of innumerable Pocket-Books and Pocket Pistols, the -latter of which, we think, a gentleman had better be without. To contain -all the above articles, a gentleman's pocket need be as large, and -packed as close, as a pocket of hops. We shall be having Houses for the -Pocket next! and, who knows, a Pocket Railway? - -[Illustration: - - A POCKET GENTLEMAN. -] - - - THE GAME OF FRIGHT. - -This round game has been played very extensively in France and other -countries this year. In some circles the king has been thrown out and -all the honours put aside, which has increased the fright to a very -great extent, as it was always doubtful what low card would be the next -turn up. Hitherto the clubs have been uppermost, and the knaves have -shared all the spoil; but people are just beginning to see through the -game, and are calling for a fresh pack; so we hope there will soon be an -end to fright. - - - A POCKET-BOOK PICKED UP IN THE GREAT - DESERT. - (SUPPOSED TO HAVE BELONGED TO A FASHIONABLE TOURIST.) - -The Great Desert is only solitary confinement applied to travelling. - -If you wish to know yourself, travel by yourself; and, egad! you will -never wish to renew the intimacy. - -I can't make out the Sphinx; but I suppose it must have been the first -likeness taken in stone. If the Egyptians could not make better riddles -than that, they were perfectly right in never trying their hands upon -another. - -They say this place is very romantic; but, on my word, I cannot see it, -and I have looked everywhere. If there be a romance, it can only be a -flying volume of Sand. I recollect my eyes filling several times, and -certainly I cried once till I was nearly blinded; but on the whole I -prefer the Waverly Novels. - -If the Pyramids had been in Paris, they would have been broken long ago -for barricades. - -We are strange creatures; we leave London because it is empty, and come -to the Great Desert for a change; for myself, I like London best; there -may not be a soul, but you can get a sherry-cobbler, and there is the -waiter at all events to speak to. - -What is Society? Running away from one's self; but here you only run to -meet yourself. You might as well turn hermit, or toll-man on Southwark -Bridge. - -I have met with but one sign of civilization since I have been here, and -that was an empty soda-water bottle off Cairo! - -I cannot see the fun of climbing up that Great Pyramid. It is immense -labour, and, like an election, is attended with bribery and corruption -at every step, for you have to pay those greedy Moors before they will -give you a hand, or the smallest lift. - -I could not help shouting out, as I saw a big fat alderman-looking -fellow going up, "Twopence, Moor, and up goes the donkey!" It was very -vulgar, but I could not help it. - -It is time that those forty centuries were relieved. I know of but one -man to do it, and that's Widdicombe. - -I am certain solitude begets contempt. If I were to stop here another -day I should positively hate myself. - -I had the bump of travelling, but have quite lost it now, after -travelling for a week on a camel. - -Stupid people express their astonishment at the quantity of stones -collected by the Egyptians to build the Pyramids, and never bestow the -smallest wonder at the immense collection of dust; and yet the one is -just as wonderful as the other, and, I am sure, much more difficult to -get over. - -Decidedly travelling in the plains of Egypt will never be comfortable -till they introduce watering-carts. - -If you wish to ascertain how slowly the sand of human life trickles -through the minute glass, go to the Great Desert. But I suppose "what -must be, must;" in other words, as the Duke of Bedford would say, "Che -Sahara, Sahara." But the proverb is rather musty. - -I wonder they do not lay down a railway here. No elevations required, no -tunnels excepting through the Needles, and Obelisks, and Tombs; -everything is as smooth as a billiard-table; it looks as if it had been -laid down on purpose, ready ruled for a series of lines. One thing, -however, is very plain, and that is, they do not catch me in the Great -Desert again until there is a railway! - -[Illustration: - - MIND OVER MATTER. -] - -Cheapside at four o'clock, Gower Street on a Sunday, the Ancient -Concerts, a Jury-box in the dog-days, a pantomime in July, a Blue-book -on a wet Sunday—anything, confound it! is better than this Great Desert. -On my word, I never saw, since I have travelled, a place with so little -in it. - -"Here, Bou Maza, bring my camel to the door. I'm off to London." - - * * * * * - -UNPUBLISHED DOGMA OF DOCTOR JOHNSON.—"The man who wears a moustache has -no right to eat vermicelli soup." - - - CAPITAL OFFENDERS - -A woman who says "my love," and "my dear," and "my pet sweet," to her -husband in public, and pulls his hair, probably, in private. - -A young man who is studying statistics, and tells you "the number of -quarters of bonded corn there were in Hamburgh in 1835 was 10,000 more -than any other year," and quotes voluminously about refined tallows and -prime Muscovados from - -[Illustration: - - "PORTER'S PROGRESS." -] - -A woman of great intellect, and a young lady at supper who wishes to go -into a convent. - -A man who is perpetually boasting of his "favourite old port that has -been these fifteen years in bottle," and gives you nothing but British -brandy. - -A woman of fifty years of age who dresses like a girl of nineteen. - -A woman who drops her pocket-handkerchief every five minutes at an -evening party, in order to test the gallantry of the gentlemen. - -A man who gives a dinner party, and keeps saying to his guests, "You see -your dinner, gentlemen." - -A woman who is always talking about her "delicate constitution." - -An old maid who doubts, during dessert, "if you could love _madly_," and -then asks, "What is your _beau ideal_ of the tender passion?" - -A young man who quotes Latin at a social party, and proposes healths and -toasts; or a German at the Opera who hums all the tunes, overture, and -recitatives, stamps his feet, and takes snuff. - -A faded coxcomb who talks of his successes with "the dear creatures." - -An old fellow who is always recollecting a "capital thing he heard -five-and-twenty years ago." - -An old play-goer who will insist "we haven't a single actor left," and -then tells you, "You should have seen Dicky Suett." - -"A man who has seen better days," and will recollect the time he had -"thirteen different sorts of wine on his table, and kept his mare and -French cook, but no one cares _that_ for him now"—the _that_ being a -snap of the fingers. - - - AN EXTENSIVE ORDER. - -[Illustration: TO] - -_Spacious Gentleman._—"Will you have the kindness, young man, to measure -me for a pair of those at 12_s._?"] - -[Illustration: - - THE BRIDGE OF SIZE. -] - - - WHAT DO ALL ENGLISHMEN TAKE OFF THEIR - HATS TO?[8] - -Who is it that gets the most salutes in England? We do not mean the -powder which is thundered into the Queen's ears wherever she goes, but -the quiet salute which a person makes by taking his hat off. - -Now, every Englishman dislikes taking his hat off. It is a trouble, and -no genuine John Bull likes more trouble than he can help. It must be -something, then, of very great importance—of general love and feeling—a -chord that strikes all Englishmen's hearts—that makes everybody, without -a single exception, take his hat off to it? - -What can it be? - -Is it Prince Albert? No; for, familiar as the prints of His Royal -Highness may have made his handsome face in the eyes of those who look -into print shops, still, from love of retirement, he is not generally -known by the public, and he could easily pass down Lowther Arcade -without fear of being recognised. - -Who is it, then? - -Is it the Duke of Wellington? No. It is true he commands a number of -upraised hats. All those who know his venerable nose, and know how much -England is indebted to it, pay him that little mark of respect. But, -popular as the Duke is, every one is not acquainted with him, and there -are even a few who still nourish a dislike of his political opinions, -forgetting the best part, and only recollecting the worst part, of the -man. - -[Illustration: - - A GOOD PARTY CRY. -] - -Can it be a creditor? - -Certainly not; for debtors always make a practice of avoiding their -creditors, especially those of a large amount, or one of the Hebrew -persuasion. There may be a few who get a stray lift of the _chapeau_, by -way of reconciliation, but in general the eyes of him that owes rarely -meet the eyes of him to whom money is owing. We are all blind to our own -interest, especially when we pay 10 per cent. for it. - -Perhaps it is the wind? - -Now, this is a vile quibble; for the reader knows well enough that no -man takes off his hat to the wind. On the contrary, the whole energy of -a man's ten fingers is concentrated on the rebellious rim, with the view -of holding the fugitive castor on. The wind takes off many hats; it is -repeatedly done on Waterloo Bridge, and round the corner of St. Paul's -Churchyard—you will see it any day during March; but it is preposterous -to say that a single hat is ever taken off to the wind. - -Well, then, what is it? - -Patience for ten lines, and you shall know. Growl, amiable reader, but -read. - -It is, you must know, a curious instrument, or rather a collection of -instruments, that go at once to the bosoms of all Englishmen. It subdues -discord, and substitutes pleasant harmony for it. No sooner is a note of -it heard than off flies every hat, the whole assembly rises; fifty -thousand bare heads—if there are so many present—instantly respect the -majesty of the appeal, and fifty thousand voices—if you can only count -them—join in glad response to it. - -But what is it? - -Foreigners even respect it, and take off their hats. - -Once more—What is it? - -Well, that which has most hats taken off to it, is— - -Stop! I have it (cries a young musician, who had the signal honour of -beating the big drum in the Drury Lane orchestra on the stormy nights of -_Monte Christo_): It's— - -Be quiet, sir. It's no such thing. Learn, young man, that you've no -right to rob any one of his secret. Sit down, sir, and allow us to say— - -Well, then, say it, and be— - -Hush—breathe not a word that may be offensive to - -[Illustration: - - EARS POLITE. -] - -We were just going to say, if you had not interrupted us, that that -which has more hats taken off than anything else is—is—is— - -Is what? - -Is GOD SAVE THE QUEEN! - -And this proves that we English are the most loyal people in the world— -at least as far as hats go. - -But who can tell whether the reason why the tremendous shower of -revolutions, which have fallen this year as thick as hail all over the -Continent, have done such little injury in England, is simply because -our beloved country is deeply insured in every office, farm, mansion, -cottage, in every English heart, by the loyal policy of GOD SAVE THE -QUEEN? - -So, "Hats off!" and let us all sing— - - "May she defend our laws, - And ever give us cause - To sing, with heart and applause, - GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!" - -Footnote 8: - - The base perpetrator of the above has been dismissed. We hope the - reader is pacified.—ED. C. A. - -[Illustration: - - Fraternité, Egalité, Liberté—d'Après la Republique Rouge. -] - - - SQUIBS IN STATUES. - -THE newspapers make no mention of a statue that was forwarded to the -_Beaux Arts_ at the late competition, for the best design upon the -Republique. It was a likeness of the Siamese Twins, who are supposed to -have sent their adhesion to the French Government. It was meant to -typify _Fraternité_ and _Egalité_, but was objected to as being too -figurative. The artist altered the attitudes and sent it again; saying -he had made the statue literal enough this time, and that his correction -enabled him fortunately to include _Liberté_, in addition to the other -two types of the Red Republicans. Upon being exhibited, it was found -that he had made the Twins fighting in the most fraternal fashion. The -result of the _Liberté_ was, that the artist was immediately carried off -to prison, for such designs upon the Republique could not be possibly -winked at. - - - VALUABLE ADVICE. - -TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY.—Don't buy your furniture at Felix Summerley's -Cheap Art-Manufacture Mart. - -The above advice is given to young couples about to plunge into the deep -waters of matrimony—that awful plunge which is to determine whether -their future happiness is to go on swimmingly, or to sink for ever like -the _Télémaque_, with all its fabulous treasures on board, when nothing -is saved from the wreck excepting a few _spars_. - -That long voyage, however, which ends only with the loss of one of the -mates, is generally never undertaken but with the strictest economy. The -speculation may turn out a bad one; things may be thrown overboard from -distress that swallowed up, before sailing, a little ocean of money, but -they are usually selected with care, and nothing is shipped but what -will fetch in the end almost as much as it cost at first. A mother—that -most thrifty shipper in the harbour of life—generally lays in the cargo, -and every article is weighed to a scruple in the scales of her judgment, -before it is sent home to make the anxious passage to the United States. - -[Illustration: - - _An Interrupted English Dinner Party at Paris._ - - "Mourir pour la Patrie." -] - -We can imagine a fond but imprudent couple going to Felix Summerley's -beautiful Emporium of Art-Manufactures. They have no more money than -they can spare, but the husband has an eye for the beautiful, and the -wife likes—and where is the woman that doesn't?—to have everything of -the best. They are tossed about on the beautiful carpets and lovely -counterpanes, quite dazzled with the glittering warming-pans, inflamed -with the glowing coal-scuttles of every possible age and period, whilst -each bright poker they touch burns them to buy it. They go on hopping -from one easy chair to another, now dwelling on a carved Artevelde sofa, -now conversing with a Gothic dumb-waiter, dumbfounded the next minute by -the sweetest _causeuse_ of the middle ages, till they come to a lovely -bedstead, where they pause and linger in speechless admiration. At last -exclaims the enraptured— - -_Emma._ "Oh, how lovely! Look, Edwin, dear, how beautiful it is -decorated!" - -[Illustration: - - An Art Blind. -] - -_Edwin._ "Yes! but they might have selected some better subject. It -would not be very pleasant, I imagine, to wake up in the middle of the -night and see people killing one another before your sleepy eyes. But -it's wonderfully painted to be sure. That man with the sword through him -is quite a bit of real life. However, King John is of a more peaceful -nature. Send the latter home, if you please." - -_Shopman._ "Allow me to call your attention to this wonderful blind. It -is painted by Corbould. The subject is 'Richard going to Palestine.'" - -_Emma._ "I never saw anything like it. Isn't it charming, Edwin, -darling? It would do very well for the back window of the pink bedroom— -you know there's the chimney of the gas-factory, and the preparatory -school for boys just opposite." - -_Edwin._ "Precisely so, dear. Put it with the other things." - -_Emma._ "Oh, what dear funny chairs." - -_Shopman._ "They're the latest discovery in Gothic manufactures; copied -from a rare hieroglyphic on the tomb of Cheops. The Earl of Peckham has -six dozen exactly similar." - -[Illustration: - - An Art Toilet-table. -] - -_Edwin._ "Very peculiar—they will do for the hall. What is this, pray? -It looks like a cross between an altar and a sideboard." - -_Shopman._ "Excuse me, sir, that is a washing-stand—the only one of the -kind. It was made for the Grand Duke Skrubisknosklenoff, but his -lamented death has left it on our hands. We can let you have it a great -bargain." - -_Emma_ (ecstatically). "Oh, darling Edwin, do have it, dear." - -_Shopman._ "Thank you, sir. Here is a dressing-table, madam, that will -just match with it. It was made from a design of Lord Waltzaghane, one -of the first masters in point of art of the Young England School, and is -universally admired. May I include it with the other articles, sir? I'm -sure you'll like it." - -_Edwin._ "Very well, then; but that's enough. Come away, Emmy." - -_Emma._ "Oh, stop one minute—look here—did you ever? Isn't it elegant? -What is it, pray?" - -_Shopman._ "Why, ma'am, that is a clothes-horse, made from a drawing of -Edwin Landseer's. Prince Albert has the companion to it." - -_Emma._ "Oh, do buy it, Edwin; I wont ask you for anything else, -indeed." - -_Edwin._ "Very well, then; but mind, it's to be the last." - -They take arms, and are about to leave the tempting shop, when Emma's -attention is suddenly drawn by a curious mug, at which she cannot help -laughing. - -_Emma._ "Oh! what is this, pray?" - -[Illustration: - - An Art-Teapot. -] - -_Shopman._ "That, madam, is a teapot, designed after a popular pattern, -very generally known amongst the Ethiopians under the name of the -'blackman's teapot.' It is universally admired." - -_Edwin._ "I think it very ugly." - -_Emma._ "How can you, Edwin! Why, I think it so very _distingué_. I must -have it; do buy it, there's a dear." - -_Edwin._ "Now, come along, darling—I'm in a hurry." - -_Emma._ "Well, if you wont, I will—I'll buy it myself, and make you a -present of it, Edwin." - -_Edwin._ "Psha! that's nonsense, child." - -Edwin and Emma leave at last, and after dinner, when they are happy in -assuring each other for the ten thousandth time that "they never knew -what love was before," the new purchases arrive, and the bill is brought -in. - -The future husband reads out the following bill - - £ _s._ _d._ - - To a beautiful historical Louis Quatorze French 35 0 0 - bedstead, designed by Chalon (very cheap) - - To one Egyptian clothes-horse, the favourite design of 15 10 0 - Edwin Landseer - - To one "blackman's teapot," in the very best superfine 7 2 4½ - wedgwood (a rich curiosity) - - To a magnificent blind—a pure Corbould 40 10 0 - - To six Gothic Swan-of-Avon Egyptian chairs 60 0 0 - - To one Stonehenge dressing-table 26 11 2 - - To one Grecian washing-stand (a decided bargain). 102 0 0 - - ———— ———— ———— - - Sum total £286 13 6½ - -We need not repeat the lady's fierce commentaries, or the gentleman's -running fire of explosive criticisms upon the various items of the above -little bill. Suffice it to say, the art-manufacture goods were returned, -and Edwin and Emma bought at an auction the next day articles that -suited their purpose just as well for 12_l._ 14_s._ They admitted the -superior beauty of Mr. Felix Summerley's Art-Manufactures, but the -expense, they both agreed, was "quite preposterous." - -Edwin and Emma are married now, and are still of the same opinion, so we -cannot help thinking that they must have been in the right. - -The fine-art manufactures are certainly very beautiful, but there is -moderation even in purchasing one of the earliest efforts of Teniers. - - - PLAY-BILL DIALOGUES. - -The play-bills have got into the habit of asking questions. We should -not be surprised to see the other play-bills answering them, in this -way. - -_Adelphi._ "Did you ever send your wife to Camberwell?" - -_Queen's._ "Well, I can't say that ever I did, but I'll make a point of -asking her the first time I see her." - -_Haymarket._ "Lend me five shillings?" - -_Victoria._ "My dear fellow, I only wish you may get it." - -_Covent Garden._ "What will the world say?" - -_Surrey._ "Ri tol de riddle lol, riddle lol de lay." - -_Lyceum._ "Which Mr. Smith?" - -_Norton Folgate._ "Whichever you like, my little dear." - -_Douglas Jerrold._ "Time works wonders." - -_Paul Bedford._ "I believe you, my b-o-o-o-o-oy." - - - EDUCATION ON THE "MUTUAL ADVANTAGE" - SYSTEM. - -_Pedagogue (who gives Food for the Mind for Food for the Body)._ "I tell -you what it is, young Suett. It is not the first time your father has -sent me bad mutton, and while he sends me such a bad leg as he has done -now for three days running, I'm not going to tell you whether -Constantinople is the capital of Otaheite or not." - - - MAKE A WORSE ONE IF YOU CAN. - -_Q._ When is a landlord an insect tamer? - -_A._ When he has ten-ants at will. - - - PRETTY LITTLE PUZZLES TO PUZZLE PRETTY - LITTLE PUZZLERS. - - (_A number of the "Comic," with the Editor's Autograph, in red ink, will - be given to any one who finds the solution of these puzzles._) - -Thomson, who is a clerk in the Bank, gives his wife permission to spend -the day with a dear friend at Camberwell. At six he comes home to -dinner, and they bring him up - -[Illustration: - - A AND B -] - -Can you find out how Thomson is to make a dinner of it? - - * * * * * - -Monsieur le Marquis de Clichy, on his arrival at Leicester Square, has -an order for the Opera given to him. On looking over his wardrobe, he -finds all his stock of linen to consist of - -[Illustration: X AND Y] - -whilst his _chaussure_ is on the following footing:— - -[Illustration: Z] - -How ever is it possible for Monsieur le Marquis to go to the Opera as a -gentleman? - - * * * * * - -L, who is an excellent swimmer, goes to Paddington one beautiful warm -summer's evening for a refreshing dip in the canal. He leaves on the -shore - -[Illustration: B] - -Whilst he is enjoying himself in the limpid stream, B are carried off by - -[Illustration: P AND Q] - -who leave L as they find him. - -[Illustration: L] - -How, in the name of goodness, is L to get home? - - * * * * * - -Little Tommy and Harry (H, T) have a penny given to them each by their -kind papa, to go and enjoy themselves at the fair. They get into a swing -and are soon whirled to the top. There they remain, quite delighted, for -half an hour, till it comes on to rain, when little Tommy and Harry -venture to ask AX (the proprietor) when is he going to move on? - -AX's answer is very plain—"Not till every blessed seat is taken." - -How long do little Harry and Tommy remain perched up in the swing before -they get their ride? - - * * * * * - -Brook Green has for dinner on Monday a beautiful sirloin of beef (B), -which he flatters himself will last all the week. - -[Illustration: B] - -On Tuesday he is told there is not a bit of it left. Brook Green is -thunderstruck. He cannot understand it. He asks to see the landlady. She -"is extremely sorry, but her bothersome cat (C) has eaten it all." - -[Illustration: B C] - -You are requested to put the two together, and to state candidly if you -think it very likely; and, if you have any doubt, you are to find out -who really is (C) the cat? - - * * * * * - -Mrs. Large (of Wapping) has a private box (A) sent to her at Christmas, -for the Adelphi, by her obliging friend Mr. Sams. The box is in the -upper tier, over the proscenium. Mrs. Large (of Wapping) does not like -any of her dear children to lose such a treat, so she takes all her -family (B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K), besides one or two friends from -Panton Square, who are stopping, for change of air, with her. - -[Illustration: A B C D E F G H I J K] - -You are to find out how many the box was to admit; and how you are to -get Mrs. Large and her party into it without having a single one over. - - * * * * * - -MILITARY INTELLIGENCE.—We see a book advertised called "_The Cornet Made -Easy_." We are very glad to hear this, and hope the poor fellow will -make himself comfortable; only we should like to know what it is that -has lately made the Cornet uneasy. - - * * * * * - -FIRST LOVE.—The conversation at Holland House turned upon first love. -Tom Moore compared it to a potato, "Because it shoots from the eyes." -"Or, rather," exclaimed Byron, "because it becomes all the less by -_paring_." - - - THE MILITARY GAME OF GOOSE. - -[Illustration: - - GENTLEMEN OF A PARTICULARLY STAI(YE)D CHARACTER. -] - -We are apt to boast that the British army has never received a good -dressing, and looking at the uniforms that have lately been put upon -them, we must confess there is some truth in it. Our officers were never -clever at cutting, and this may account for their making such bad -tailors. It is a thousand pities that the Laurel which clusters round -the brows of our Commanders, should be entwined with so much cabbage. It -is true the geese saved the Capitol of Rome, but we do not think the -Horse Guards need put itself under the wings of the British goose. If it -does, Moses, in a very short time, will be cutting out Prince Albert as -a Field Marshal. Never was the British army so surprised before, as when -that cruel shell-jacket attempted by sheer treachery to cut off the rear -from the main body of the forces. The French have a saying "_Le Riaicule -tue_," so our soldiers may be diminished, in a ridiculous manner little -expected by our political economists, if this new deadly weapon is -discharged at them; for there is many a brave fellow who can stand fire, -who falls dead before ridicule. The Horse Guards must not be a clothes -mart, or a masquerade warehouse, or else the Duke, when he puts himself -at the head of the army, will revive the old title of the Duc de Guys, -and the national cry will be, "Sauve qui peut." - -[Illustration] - - - TALES OF A LANDLORD. - - His house is free from damp. - The situation is healthy. - The water is beautiful. - The poor-rates are not worth mentioning. - The taxes a mere flea-bite. - It is in excellent repair. - It is a quiet fashionable neighbourhood. - Omnibusses pass every two minutes. - Five pounds will make it a "little Elysium." - He has refused double the rent, only he wants a respectable tenant. - - * * * * * - -"NOT A SEAT AMONGST THEM."—There is an old country lady so modest that -she cannot pronounce the word "cherub;" but she always says, "the dear -little angels who have accepted the Chiltern hundreds." - - - AN AIRY LODGING. - -_Country Cousin._—"Well, Tom, my boy, where be'est thee a-lodging noo?" - -_Surveyor (pointing up to the top of St. Paul's)._—"Why, I hang out -there at present. Whenever you are passing my way, I shall be delighted -to see you, if you will give me a drop in." - -[Illustration] - - - THE SONG OF THE KNOCKER. - (A COMPANION TO SCHILLER'S BELL.) - - Gents Provoko, Portas Bango, Somnia Frango. - - _Firmly screw'd upon the door - Doth the lion-knocker frown. - To-night its reign of noise is o'er; - Courage! boys; we'll have it down! - Long its strength defied - Every dodge we tried; - But its nuts no more shall bear it, - From the hinge to-night we'll tear it._ - - Varied parts of good and ill - It has been its lot to fill. - Many hearts within have bounded - As the postman's knock has sounded. - Cheek has flushed, and pulse has fluttered, - When the written name was uttered. - It might be from one most dear, - Though far off, yet ever near; - Or from one in hopes "you will - Think about his little bill;" - Or a letter overland, - Sent from Ramjamjellyland, - Telling how the ardent Coolies - Had well thrashed the crafty Foolies; - Or a dinner invitation, - Or a Frankfort speculation, - Or a life association, - Or some hints on emigration, - Or a looked-for explanation - Of a former altercation; - Retail changes lately made - In some wine and spirit trade; - Vows, professions, gift, or token, - Promises, or kept or broken: - Each and all, with double din, - Has the knocker usher'd in. - -[Illustration] - - _At the corner place a scout, - For the vigilant police; - Let him keep a sharp look-out, - And, if need be, break the peace. - From the stone-jug free - Must our party be, - Though we keep so by a fight, - Or a witch-like flight by night._ - - He who knocks and runs away, - May live to knock another day. - Let caution, then, all mischief guide, - For fear some danger should betide. - With watchful eyes the boys advance, - Accomplishing a nigger dance, - Performed upon the paving-stones, - To sound of Ethiopian bones, - With air appropriate, from their store, - Of "Who dat knockin' at de door?" - Now, as they near the destined sill, - Hush'd are bones—the dance is still. - One mighty BANG! the servant scares, - And lifts the inmates from their chairs. - Away! Away! not one remains - When the sold maid the passage gains, - And, as the neighbourhood they quit, - Agree their knock has prov'd a hit. - - _Hush! keep back! your chaffing cease, - Some one's steps are this way bent. - Is it one of the police? - No, 'tis but a tipsy gent, - Singing some night-song - As he reels along. - Now he turns the corner humming - That there is "A good time coming."_ - -[Illustration] - - The straw is lying in the square, - And cabs go by with muffled sound; - Whilst cautious hands no longer dare - To lift the knocker—leather bound. - Through the night - Burns a light - From the bedroom window's height, - As the angel of grim death - Hovers there on dusky wings, - To wait the passing breath - Quiv'ring through life's curdled springs. - Go, the mutes and mourners call, - Plumed hearse and heavy pall! - Head of that sad family - Tenant of the tomb shall be - Ere the ghastly week is o'er, - And the knocker sounds once more. - - _See! the thoroughfare is clear, - Nothing in it but the lamps. - Now, look sharp! the door draw near, - Wrench the knocker from its clamps_ - _Does it still resist? - Give a tougher twist. - Put your stick within the ring. - Now—with both hands—that's the thing!_ - -[Illustration] - - The sun is shining in the street, - The clock moves on from three to five. - The pavement glows with dazzling heat, - And all the West-end is alive. - The air with Bouquet-Royal laden, - Or Patchouli's oppressive herb, - Plays round the fair-haired high-born maiden, - Whose Clarence draws up at the kerb. - And now the knocker knows no quiet, - But revels in unceasing riot. - The flunkey first awakes the clang - With "_Rat-a-tat-tat, bang! bang!! bang!!!_" - The doctor greater care observes, - With temper'd knock for shaken nerves. - Next small tat-tat from frightened fingers - Of one in seedy black, who lingers - In fear and trembling at the door, - Before he dares to knock once more. - Professor he, of light guitar, - Or Polish master from afar, - Or poor relation come to claim - Some small aid due to blood and name. - All sorts of objects come and go, - Like some phantasmagoric show. - Patron or beggar, great or small, - The knocker is a lift to all. - - _Hip! huzza! my artful dodgers, - It has fallen from the door. - But the noise has roused the lodgers, - Lights appear at every floor._ - _If we stay we're done— - Vanish, every one! - As the poet sings, like bricks, - Cut your luckies and your sticks._ - -[Illustration] - - Those evening knocks! those evening knocks! - That herald in a paper box, - Which merchants leave with pens and soap; - And notes in which they humbly hope - You'll patronize the speculation, - And save their household from starvation— - Which if to do you're kindly willing, - They'll call to-morrow for the shilling. - - _Joy! joy! joy! we're safe at last. - Where's the latch-key? Stand aside. - Luck be praised, the peril's past, - And we can our trophy hide! - Wasn't it a lark? - Hold hard, in the dark, - And the chairs and tables mind, - Till the lucifers I find._ - -[Illustration] - - ——In! in with me, - Comrades all, and shut the door, - We will christen it once more. - STUNNER shall its new name be, - Trophy of our bravery! - Now we have in state enthroned it, - Drink the healths of those who own'd it, - Whom we've left, by sad mishap, - Really not worth a rap! - Now the festival begin: - Ope the oysters—Where's the gin? - From the closet have it out. - Here's the corkscrew—pass the stout. - Cruets, pickles, gin and water, - Bread, meat, butter, pipes, and porter, - On the table now we see; - Fastest of the fast we'll be. - Governors and landlord scorning, - We will not go home till morning! - -[Illustration] - - - RULES AND REGULATIONS FOR THE CONDUCT OF - STRANGERS VISITING LONDON. - -If your health is proposed, you must say it is the proudest moment of -your life. - -You are not expected to take your hat in with you to dinner. It is -liable to be kicked about if you put it under the table—people mistake -it for the cat. - -It is no longer the fashion to say, "Here's to you, miss," and "I drink -to you, ma'am," to every lady round the table before you take a glass of -wine; however, if you do it once, never repeat it. - -When you begin a speech, you must be sure to state you are unaccustomed -to public speaking. - -Take your coat off in the hall, but never give up your umbrella. If the -servant offers to take it down stairs to dry it, tell him to mind his -own business; and if he says another word, threaten to report him to his -missus, and he will soon be quiet. The robberies of umbrellas in London -is something awful! - -[Illustration: - - A University Chair of Music. -] - -If you go to the opera don't call out for "Music!" or tell "Nosey," or -any of the "catgut scrapers," to strike up. Be careful also not to -insult the box-keeper, by giving him a penny to run and fetch a -playbill. If you take a lady, dispense with the usual gallantry of a bag -of oranges. Should you take any, however, it is usual to offer them to -all the ladies round you—after you have peeled them. - -It is no longer the fashion for a stranger to call at Buckingham Palace; -but if there should be a Drawing Room, you had better go, by all means, -and present your homage to your Sovereign, for otherwise it might look -disrespectful. You have only to go in costume, with the sword and cocked -hat, and send in your card, "with your compliments." - -If you are invited out to dinner, you must refrain as much as you can -from taking a snooze directly the cloth is removed; and you should be -above drinking the warm water that is given you, in a blue bowl, for -your fingers. - -If you intend to dance, do not, as a matter of pride, fill your pockets -with halfpence; and if you have a new pair of Berlins, put them on, and -do not keep them folded up in your hands, as if you were too shabby to -use them. - -If Joseph Ady sends you an invitation, write back word that you will -come and take tea with him. You will find him a good sovereign fellow, -and you may probably hear of something to your advantage. - -[Illustration: - - Shakspeare, after Curling. -] - -Have your hair curled; but if you take a lady down to the -refreshment-room, you must know her extremely well before you can -presume to ask her if "she'll have a drop of beer," or else she will -certainly be offended. - -When you are leaving, supposing the servant at the door puts his hand -out, shake it by all means, or else the poor fellow will fancy you are -proud. - -You are not bound to answer any public questions in the street, as to -"Who are you?" or to put any stranger in possession of personal facts -relating to "your mother." - -If you are in doubt about a cab fare, or want to know some particular -fact about the twopenny omnibuses, or the age of an actress, or a point -at cribbage, or where the best glass of ale is to be had—write to the -Duke of Wellington, and you will have an answer from the F. M. the same -day. - -You are not bound to go to every theatre, or to see every exhibition in -London. In fact, please yourself, and do not stop in town a day longer -than you choose; for you will find the "boots" generally very reluctant -to call you the morning you intend to start. For better precaution, you -had better shave over night, and tie a piece of string to your big toe -for the policeman to pull the first thing in the morning. - -[Illustration: T] - - - THE DOMESTIC MANNERS AND - CUSTOMS OF THE BEDOUIN - ARABS. - BY ONE WHO HAS NEVER BEEN AMONGST - THEM, BUT CAN IMAGINE EXACTLY WHAT - THEY ARE. - -Those Bedouins are curious fellows. You have heard of a race of Jumpers; -well, they are a nation of Leapers. We walk, they fly. They are the bats -of the human race—not men, and decidedly not angels, but something -between the two. - -Their houses have no windows lower than the third floor. This is to -prevent little boys jumping up. Their windows are not arranged like -ours, but have small apertures, like the slits in letter-boxes, slanting -downwards, to prevent any one looking into them. Bricks are exceedingly -dear, on account of the height of the walls. - -A military review of Bedouin Arabs exceeds anything of the sort. At a -given signal a whole battalion springs upwards, gets inextricably -mingled in one dense flying column, and then falls down again, each man -precisely in his previous position. They discharge their muskets when -they reach a given height, and no accident ever occurs, unless a raw -recruit happens to have sprained his ankle. Some of their light columns -advance twelve feet deep; when I say twelve feet deep, of course I mean -in the air. - -[Illustration: - - _The Monster Sweeps_ - - "A Toss up for the Derby". -] - -It is curious to see them in the streets. If the door is not open, they -will take a flying leap through the window, like a harlequin. The first -sign of intelligence a Bedouin child gives, is to leap straight out of -its cradle. A lid is always placed over it, for the purpose of keeping -it down; and when the lid is taken off the child flies out, like a -living Jack-in-the-Box. - -A steeplechase is with them literally a steeplechase. They have no -horses, but clear churches, pillars, obelisks, everything that comes in -their way, on foot. - -Their animals have, in a smaller degree, the same agile propensities. -When two cats dart up into the air, fighting, they are soon lost in the -clouds, and you will hear them mollrowing above you for a long time; but -I defy you to say, you ever saw _both_ of them come back. - -When the Bedouins go out shooting they pursue the game in the air, and -do not fire until they are right over the bird's back. It is a mean -sport, however, which a real Bedouin gentleman is above doing. But their -children catch sparrows easily, by putting salt upon their tails. - -A Bedouin Arab does not give his hand in marriage, but his foot. - -The Sheik blesses his people once a year. He springs from his balcony, -and when he has reached the centre of the populace, he gives his -blessing, so that he may fall equally on the heads of all his subjects; -and then he springs back to his balcony, and the ceremony is concluded. -One poor Sheik (Ben Allah Wishi Washi) had the gout, and could not do -this. He tried to bless them in a balloon once, but the enraged populace -would not have it, and tore it to pieces, amid loud cries of "Shame!" He -was sentenced to wear tight boots for life—the most ignominious -punishment that can be put upon one of Bedouin extraction. - -Their postmen are let off from the post-office like pigeons—they drop -the letters down the chimneys. - -[Illustration: - - A BEDOUIN VESTRY MEETING. - - Chairman—"Sons of Allah, the meeting is now up." -] - -A meeting is adjourned very primitively. The chairman lifts his leg, and -the whole meeting suddenly takes to its heels and springs into the air, -like so many thousand frogs, and the next minute there is not one left. - -Their dances are very lively. They generally take place in the open air, -or else if they danced in a room, they would be knocking their heads -every minute against the ceiling. To see them all take the same leap -simultaneously, and _balancezing_ some fifty feet above the earth, is -something so extraordinary, that it almost lifts you off your feet. No -less extraordinary are their ballets. They are more like fire-works than -any other exhibition; and you hear the loud exclamations of "O—o—h" -escape from the crowd, when a _première danseuse_ takes a higher flight -than usual. Their _grand pas_ are always watched through long -telescopes, which are let out at the doors for six piastres a night. - -A Bedouin duel will sometimes last for days, for it is always the object -of the person who is to be shot to get out of the fire of his adversary, -and thus they will go on jumping after one another over the whole -kingdom for a week together. - -Nurses toss their babies up in the air, and if they are slow in coming -down, they jump up after them and fetch them. - -I have heard of a game of _écarté_ being played, _à vol d'aigle_, some -15,000 feet above the level of the sea. The great dodge is to prevent -your partner jumping up behind you to look over your cards. - -Bedouin Royalty does not wear a crown, but a pair of spring-heeled -jack-boots, and it is high treason for any one but the Sheik to put his -foot into it. - -The Bedouin Arabs are a cheerful people—their active life leads them to -be hilarious. They are early risers, and are generally up with the lark. -They are a volatile, but happy race; and it is very rarely you hear of a -Bedouin Arab having corns. He will take up a bill, too, quicker than any -man. - -[Illustration: - - A BEDOUIN BAILIFF. -] - - * * * * * - -ENGLAND'S STREAM OF CHARITY.—We are told by the advertisement that "The -Asylum for Distressed Sewers is always open." This asylum must surely be -the Thames? - -MOCKERY.—"I have learnt this profound truth," says Alderman Johnson, -"from eating turtle, that it shows a most depraved taste to mock -anything for its greenness." - -PUBLIC COMMUNISM.—The only kind of Communism that is likely to go down -in England is HALF-AND-HALF. - - - A DREADFUL CASE OF POISONING, - OR, - ANOTHER OF MY HUSBAND'S STUPID JOKES, WHICH HE THINKS ARE - SO CLEVER. - -[Illustration: - - Didn't know which way to turn. -] - -[Illustration: Oh] MY dear sir, if ever there was a miserable woman in -this world, it is the poor creature who now takes up her pen to tell you -how wretched she is. I have not slept a wink all night. I must tell you -my husband is _dreadfully suspicious_, and so am I—and the best of women -at times; but still I never could have suspected he would have suspected -me in the abominable suspicious manner he has lately done. Will you -believe it, sir, he declared last night that he could plainly see I -wanted to "_pisen him_." The fact is, we had for supper some mushrooms -and a lovely pie just warmed up with a little steak in it, for I thought -I would give him a treat—and nicer mushrooms, or a tenderer steak, I -think I never tasted in all my life—when what does my fine gentleman do -but turn up his fine nose! Only first I must tell you that he ate a very -'arty supper, and had his whisky toddy all nice and comfortable—for I -must have mixed him six glasses if I mixed him one—and smoked his pipe, -though I have told him over and over again I would not allow any such -filthy practices in my house, especially the parlour. But kindness is -thrown away upon some men; for what does my Mr. Smellfungus do, but he -turns round upon me, and because he feels a big pain in his side, -accuses me on the spot of wishing to "_pisen him_." Those were his very -words. Oh! that I should have lived to have heard them; but it is not -the first time by ever so many that the suspicious creature has dared to -turn round upon me in this bumptious manner. The first time he degraded -himself in my eyes with these low suspicions was when he had been eating -pies at Twickenham, and we were returning home in the steamer, when all -of a sudden he called the whole cabin to witness that he was sure "_I -had pisened him_." Oh, dear! I was so struck that I No, that I didn't; -but I told him, once for all, if ever he dared to bring such a heavy -charge against me I would make him pay for it dearly, that I would, even -if it cost me my life. Here the _monster_ laughed, and dropt the poison, -but he brought it up again soon afterwards; for I recollect it was on a -Friday, and we had a most lovely giblet pie for dinner, though not a -morsel as big as a pin's head could I touch, for I was busy all the -while picking bones with my wretch of a husband, and I really thought I -should have choked, I was in such a way with him. He had no sooner -emptied the dish than he threw the "_pisen_" again in my face; and he -did it also another time when we had a quince pie—and a nice delicious -squince, in my eyes, is worth a Jew's eye any day; but my dainty lord -and master could see nothing but _pisen_ at the bottom of it, and -complained of cholera and pins and needles in his inside, and I don't -know what else. So this morning I packed up my bandbox, and asked him -boldly what he had got in his head lately? and that his low base -suspicions had completely poisoned my existence, and that I would jump -into the Thames as _sure as I was born_ sooner than be suspected any -longer. When my brazen _monster_, who is known for not - -[Illustration: - - STICKING AT TRIFLES, -] - -draws his chair close up to mine, and laughs in my face, which made me -so boil over that, in the heat of the moment, I threw the teapot at him, -and then the slop-basin, and after that the milk-jug. I did not spare -the crockery, or the brute either, for I was not going to be accused for -nothing, I can tell you; but the more cups I broke, the more saucily he -laughed, till the big drops ran down his fat face, and he asked me, with -a nasty grin I didn't half like, "Whether I thought he belonged to a -_burial_ society for nothing?" - -Oh! sir, the truth flashed all at once across my two eyes, for I knew my -husband had been reading these horrible newspapers lately, and I felt -instinctively they had poisoned his mind, so I ran out of the house -without my bonnet, and—will you believe it?—my hair still in -curl-papers, and got into a cab, vowing I would never put my foot in it -again until he had gone down upon his bended knees and confessed I was a -poor injured wrongly-suspected woman. I would sooner be a widow at once -than be thrown about in such a way. Oh! sir, I ask you if it is not -infamous, after being married to a man these fifteen years and more, to -be suspected of giving him his gruel with a spoonful of arsenic, and of -wishing to hurry him out of this world on a nasty toadstool instead of a -fine mush-room? But, sir, it's these infamous papers. I wish they were -all burnt of a heap, for I can plainly trace every bit of my pretty -Smellfungus's suspicions to those atrocious "POISONINGS IN ESSEX," which -have lately given the public such a turn. Since they have been -published, every husband suspects that his darling wife wishes to kill -him in order to receive the filthy bonus for burying him. I cannot tell -you how many poor suffering wives are separated at the present moment -from their brutes of husbands because they have had this abominable -poison flung in their teeth every day for the last two months. The poor -_innocent injured dears_ of men dare not now for their lives take a -single meal in their houses, for fear it should be their last! It's -quarrelling with their own bread and butter, to say the very least of -it. - -I remain, sir, at my hotel (the "Two Magpies"), till my cruel -good-for-nothing lord and master chooses to come and fetch me. - - Yours, _in despair_, crying my eyes out, - AN INNOCENT, LOVING, BUT SHAMEFULLY - SUSPECTED WIFE, AND MOTHER OF - SIX LOVELY CHILDREN. - -P.S.—Oh! sir, my husband has just been here, and tells me it was only -meant as a joke—a pretty joke, indeed!—and that, as Hamlet says, he was -only "_pisening_ in jest," for how could he help suspecting, when I gave -him nothing but pies—beafsteak pies, eel pies, giblet pies, quince, and -mince, and all sorts of pies—but that I regularly wanted to _pisen_ him! -D'ye see—_pies_ and _pise_ning? I never heard such a joke! How men can -make such donkeys of themselves I don't know! But I couldn't well be -angry with the silly fellow, for he has brought me _such_ a beautiful -shawl; and I need not tell you, sir, that in matrimony a lovely Cashmere -hides a multitude of faults. - -[Illustration: - - ONE WHO HAS A FINGER IN EVERYBODY'S PIE. -] - - * * * * * - -TEETOTALER'S TOAST.—"The worm of the still—may it soon be a still worm!" - -A CRITIC.—A man who judges an author's works by the "errata." - -VANITY.—There is not a mite in the world (says Lavater), but that thinks -itself "quite the cheese." - - - FRIGHTFUL STATE OF THINGS, - IF FEMALE AGITATION IS ALLOWED ONLY FOR A MINUTE. - -[Illustration] - -The standard of rebellion is first raised at a fashionable tea-party. - -[Illustration] - -The rebels rush into the street, break open the public houses, and ask -the men if they are not ashamed of themselves to be sitting there, -whilst their poor dear wives are crying their eyes out at home? - -Clubs are put down and a Petticoat Government proclaimed. - -[Illustration] - -Armed patrols parade the streets, and take up every good-for-nothing -husband that is found out after nine o'clock. - -Total abolition of latch-keys. - -All men proved to be "brutes," are taken to business in the morning by -the Nurse, and fetched home at night by the Cook. - -[Illustration: - - Those who offer the slightest resistance are put to mend their wives' - stockings. -] - -[Illustration: - - The greatest reprobates are sentenced to sit up for their dear wives. -] - -[Illustration: - - _The Happy Family._ - - "A Quiet Hint to the Wives of England" -] - -[Illustration] - -The Lords of Creation are driven to the greatest extremities to enjoy a -quiet pipe. - -But if detected, they are immediately made public examples of, by being -sent out to air the babies. - -[Illustration] - -Those who resist the strong arm of the sex are immediately sent to the -House of Correction, and put for fourteen days upon dirty linen. - -[Illustration] - -If detected a second time, they are sentenced to a month's imprisonment, -and hard labour at the mangle. - -The most refractory are condemned to cold meat for life, without benefit -of pickles. - -[Illustration] - -The heartless ringleader is loaded with irons. - -A member of the Royal Family only saves himself with a fine of twelve -dozen bright pokers, and an Exchequer bond for one hundred steel -fenders! - -[Illustration] - -But human patience can endure it no longer, and the poor convicts -endeavour to elude the vigilance of the watch, by smuggling themselves -out amongst the clean linen. - -[Illustration] - -The secret, however, is accidentally divulged by a criminal of great -weight, who drops through the fragile clothes-basket. - -[Illustration] - -The wretched criminals are carried away by the overpowering force of -"Woman's Mission," and their precipitate folly only ends in their being -floored at the bottom of the stairs, where, in aching shame, they lie -and bite the dust. - -Five thousand helpless husbands, whose only crime is their unfortunate -sex, are incarcerated in the Thames Tunnel! - -Not a glass of grog, or a newspaper, or a cigar is allowed them!! - -Hundreds perish daily for the want of the common necessaries of life!!! - -The Black Hole is beaten hollow!!!! - -[Illustration] - -Frightful rush, and tremendous overflow in the Thames Tunnel, through an -insane attempt of the Boy Jones to escape by the roof!!!!! - -[Illustration] - -Those who are not drowned, go mad. - -An armistice takes place between the opposing bodies. A member of the -Coburg family offers his hand to Mrs. Gamp, but is indignantly rejected -by the lovely widow. - -The body of the "oldest inhabitant" is found at Herne Bay, where it is -supposed he emigrated for safety. - -_There is not a single man left_, excepting the Man in the Moon. - -The ladies, being left to themselves, proceed to discuss their wrongs, -when, after several years' arguments, the world is graced with - -[Illustration: - - THE FEMALE MILLENNIUM. -] - -This continues thirty years, when the argument is decided at length in -favour of - -[Illustration: - - THE LAST WOMAN, -] - -Who compodges herself in honour of the occasion a nice dish of tea, and -after propodging a toast to the memory of that blessed creature Mrs. -Harris dies universally "regretted" on the throne of Buckingham Palace. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - -Richardson's ghost makes his last appearance at Greenwich Fair!!! - - * * * * * - - THE END OF THE WORLD! - AND OF - THE COMIC ALMANACK. - READER, YOU ARE REQUESTED TO DROP A TEAR!!! - - * * * * * - - - TWO LITTLE CUTS THROWN IN. - -[Illustration: - - THE NIGHTINGALE'S - JUG-JUG. - - PORTRAIT OF A YOUNG GENTLEMAN AFTER DINNER ON CHRISTMAS DAY. -] - - _Au revoir._ - We meet again in 1850. - -[Illustration: - - AS IT OUGHT TO BE—OR—THE LADIES TRYING A CONTEMPTIBLE SCOUNDREL for a - "BREACH of PROMISE." -] - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1850. - - -[Illustration: - - BEFORE AND AFTER MARRIAGE. -] - - - BEFORE. - - How do the Gentlemen do before marriage?— - Oh, then they come flattering, - Soft nonsense chattering, - Praising your pickling, - Playing at tickling, - Love verses writing, - Acrostics inditing. - If your finger aches, fretting, - Fondling, and petting, - "My loving,"—"my doving," - "Petseying,"—"wetseying." - Now sighing, now dying, - Now dear diamonds buying. - Or yards of Chantilly, like a great big silly, - Cashmere shawls—brandy balls, - Oranges, apples—gloves, _Gros de Naples_. - Sweet pretty "skuggies"—ugly pet puggies; - Now with an ear-ring themselves endearing, - Or squandering guineas upon _Sevignés_, - Now fingers squeezing or playfully teasing, - Bringing you bull's eyes, casting you sheep's eyes, - Looking in faces while working braces; - Never once heeding what they are reading, - But soiling one's hose by pressing one's toes; - Or else so zealous, and nice and jealous of all the fellows— - Darting fierce glances if ever one dances with a son of France's; - Or finding great faults, and threatening assaults whenever you "valtz;" - Or fuming and fussing enough for a dozen if you romp with your cousin; - Continually stopping, when out a-shopping, and bank-notes dropping, - Not seeking to win money, calling it "tin" money, and promising - pin-money; - Liking picnics at Twickenham, off lovely cold chicken, ham, and - champagne to quicken 'em; - Detesting one's walking without John too goes stalking, to prevent the - men talking; - Think you still in your teens, wont let you eat "greens," and hate - Crinolines; - Or heaping caresses, if you curl your back tresses, or wear low-neck'd - dresses; - Or when up the river, almost sure to _diskiver_ that it beats all to - shiver the sweet Guadalquiver; - - Or seeing death-fetches if the, toothache one catches, making - picturesque sketches of the houses of wretches; - Or with loud double knocks bring from Eber's a box, to see "BOX AND - COX," or pilfer one's locks to mark their new socks; - Or, whilst you are singing a love song so stinging, they vow they'll be - swinging, or in Serpentine springing, unless to them clinging you'll - go wedding-ringing, and for life mend their linen. - Now the gentlemen sure I've no wish to disparage, - But this is the way they go on _before_ marriage. - - - AFTER. - - How do the Gentlemen do after marriage?— - Oh, then nothing pleases 'em, - But everything teases 'em; - Then they're grumbling and snarling— - You're a "fool" not a "darling;" - Though they're rich as the _Ingies_, - They're the stingiest of stingies; - And what is _so_ funny, - They've _never_ got money; - Only ask them for any - And they haven't a penny; - But what passes all bounds, - On themselves they'll spend pounds— - Give guineas for lunch - Off real turtle and punch; - Each week a noise brings about, when they pitch all the things about; - Now bowing in mockery, now smashing the crockery; - Scolding and swearing, their bald heads tearing; - Storming and raging past all assuaging. - Heaven preserve us! it makes one so nervous, - To hear the door slam to, be called simple Ma'am too: - (I wonder if Adam called Mrs. Eve Madam;) - As a matter of course they'll have a divorce; - Or "my Lord Duke" intends to send you home to your friends: - Allow ten pounds a quarter for yourself and your daughter; - Though you strive all your might you can do nothing right; - While the maids—the old song—can do nothing wrong; - "Ev'ry shirt wants a button!" Every day they've cold mutton; - They're always a-flurrying one, or else they're a-hurrying one, or else - they're a-worrying one; - Threatening to smother your dear sainted Mother, or kick your big - Brother; - After all your fine doings, your strugglings and stewings—why, "the - house is in ruins!" - Then the wine goes like winking, and they cannot help thinking you've - taken to drinking; - They're perpetually rows keeping, 'cause out of the house-keeping - they're in bonnets their spouse keeping; - So when they've been meated, if with pies they're not treated, they vow - that they're cheated; - Then against Ascot Races, and all such sweet places, they set their old - faces; - - And they'll never leave town, nor to Broadstairs go down, though with - bile you're quite brown; - For their wife they unwilling are, after cooing and billing her, to - stand a cap from a Milliner—e'en a paltry twelve shillinger; - And it gives them the vapours to witness the capers of those bowers and - scrapers the young linendrapers; - Then to add to your woes, they say nobody knows how the money all goes, - but they pay through the nose for the dear children's clothes; - Though you strive and endeavour, they're so mightily clever, that - please them you'll never, till you leave them for ever—yes! the - hundredth time sever—"_for ever_—AND EVER"!! - Now the gentlemen sure I've no wish to disparage, - But this is the way they go on _after_ marriage. - -[Illustration: - - "I SINK YOU DID SAY, MADAME, YOU SHALL TAKE VON COBBLARE AND A LEETEL - BEESHOFE TO FOLLOW." -] - - - ANACREONTIC - IN PRAISE OF "SHERRY COBBLERS," - BY - A LADY OF QUALITY. - - Oh, I have quaff'd of many a drink, - Right from "Tokay" to "Tiddlelywink;" - I have grown dizzy upon the "Mountain;" - Cool'd me with "Soda from the fountain;" - My eyes have glisten'd with "Malmsey" brightening; - My soul been rous'd with "Thunder and Lightning;" - With "Rossignol" I've fill'd my throat, - Till another "jug! jug!" was all my note; - And when that cloy'd—the feast to vary— - I've madly swallow'd my "Canary;" - I've tippled Punch of my own brewing; - Gone first to "rack," and then, to "ruin;" - Like Cleopatra, th' Egyptian girl, - I've drain'd my draught of precious "purl;" - My heart I've warm'd with nice "lamb's wool;" - I've had at your "dog's nose" many a pull; - And cried aloud between my sips too, - "It's the sweetest thing I've put my lips to." - But tho' sweet your "dog's nose" to my two lips, - Oh, sweeter still are those "mint juleps;" - Yet much as Juleps I adore, - I love my neat "Old Tom" still more; - But—away with all vain artful dodges!— - I doat upon my "cordial Hodges;" - And yet it must—_shall_ be confest— - I love a little "Jackey" best. - Still it doth Jackey—Tom eclipse, - To press my "Bishop" to my lips; - Yes, 'tis that "Bishop" most I prize, - That lifts my soul up to the skies. - Yet no!—there's one so sweet and good, - That I could die with—_that_ I could! - What tho' "Old Tom" this heart enthrall? - I love a "Cobbler" more than all! - What tho' my "Bishop" spicier be? - A "Cobbler" give—oh, give to me! - My "Jackey's" strong-my "Hodges'" fine; - But ah! my "Cobbler" is divine; - In summer cool "dog's noses" are, - But "Cobblers" cooler—sweeter far. - - When to the Opera I repair, - I always take my "Cobbler" there; - When at a ball I seek delight, - My "Cobbler" makes me dance all night; - For 'tis my greatest joy and pride - To have a "Cobbler" by my side. - I love all "Cobblers!"—If any best, - The last alone excels the rest; - With each I cry, between my sips too, - "'Tis the sweetest 'Cobbler' I've put my lips to." - -[Illustration: - - ARABIAN NIGHTS' ENTERTAINMENT. -] - - - "ANY ONE FOR EGYPT?—EGYPT!" - -Of course we shall have a Railway to Grand Cairo—the LONDON AND GREAT -DESERT DIRECT. How the antiquaries will get over this attack upon the -very seat of their learning it is impossible to say. Will they stand -idly by and not resent this blow levelled at their renowned Sesostris— -this slap given to their Cheops? - -However, as a matter of course, there will be a continual succession of -cheap trips under the influence of Crisp. Every Englishman, who can -afford to spend a week and a five-pound note in the pursuit of pleasure, -will be sure to go. For in addition to the "MAGNIFICENT SCENERY," "FREE -ADMISSION TO ALL THE PYRAMIDS," &c. &c., the advertisements will -doubtless assure us that in every town at which the train stops, a -professor will be engaged, so that whilst the travellers are swallowing -their soup, they may be crammed with a complete knowledge of the -language of the country—a process which will enable Englishmen to digest -Coptic and Oxtail at one and the same time. - -This Railway will assuredly be the making of Egypt and the Egyptians. In -a very little time the Desert Sara will become as lively as Cremorne, -and its sands as much frequented by the ladies as those of Ramsgate -while the gentlemen are bathing. Villages will spring up in the bosom of -the country almost as rapidly as mustard and cress would in the bosom of -an Irishman. The sources of the Nile will afford beautiful spots for -picnics where parties bringing their own tea may be accommodated with -hot water; and the great Lake of Mæris will of course be thoroughly -repaired, and opened as a National Swimming Bath—warranted free from -Crocodiles. - -[Illustration: - - _Cheap Excursion Trains_— -] - -Then the Pyramids will be just the very place for some Mustapha Bunn to -begin an operatic season in; the only thing required to be done will be -to fit up each Sarcophagus as a private box; get a monster band with a -mammoth ophicleide to play the Desert, and engage the celebrated vocal -statue of Memnon to sing a solo. What a splendid joke too for the clown -to let off on the first night of the Pantomime; when, after turning his -toes in, rolling his eyes, and thrusting his tongue out, he cries, "Here -we are again! Thirty centuries are a-lookin' down on us! Somebody's -a-coming!" This alone would fill the Pyramids. - -Then again as a place for posters, the Pyramids would soon "shut up" -Waterloo Bridge. Noses and Son alone doubtless would engage one entire -side of Ptolemy's, whilst Jullien would cover Cyphreus with a monster -broadside. - -Of course all caravans would be superseded, and camels only used for -picnics and penny rides at fairs. The once-renowned Ben Haroun ad Deen -will be waiting to comfort the hungry passenger, crying aloud as he -stands beneath the glorious Sphinx, "Allah is good!—Baked 'taturs all -hot!—and Mahomet is his Prophet. Here's your prime flowery sort!" Whilst -the once bloodthirsty Ben Hassan, as he leans against the bright gas-lit -Cleopatra's Needle, will lift up his voice with "May the Prophet bless -you. Ham sandwiches a penny." - -The salutary effect that this mixing of the English with the Egyptian -will have upon our Poetry and Romance, "can be much better imagined than -described,"—as George Robins used to say in every one of his -advertisements. Instead of our trumpery "Wilt thou love me then as now?" -and "Yes, dearest, then I'll love thee more!" we shall have good -wholesome emotion, and "no nonsense," in the shape of the following -little Anglo-Arabian snatch: - -"For thirty days I could not eat—neither have I slept for the fleas and -excessive weeping. - -"Her face is like the full moon, her hair like capsicums, and her nose -is the finest of Grecians. - -"She moveth like the willow branch, and she speaketh Coptic with a pure -Pyramidical accent. - -"Her breath is like ambergris; she hath rubies and pearls, and jacinths, -and heaps of red gold in the consols." - -This is sterling affection if you like. There are few Englishmen who -could keep a flame burning for thirty days. - -When all these things are worked out, it will be time to begin agitating -for that great moral change, the introduction of Polygamy into England. -If true-born Britons are to be forced still to continue monogamists, -what, we would ask, is to become of the surplus lady population? Either -they must be induced to emigrate in a body to the Grand Sultan, or an -act must be passed to make bigamy according to law. Something _must_ be -done for as matters are at present our wives _are just one too many for -us_. - - - "THE GOOD OLD TIMES." - - The "good old times" are past, my boys, - The "good old times" are past, - And, if it's true what Hist'ry says, - It's lucky we live in other days - Than the "good times" past; - Then the Noble's might was the only right, - But the people have grown stronger: - The iron collar's off their necks— - Thank God they're dogs no longer! - - The "good old times" are past, my boys, - The "good old times" are past, - When the skies were bloody with martyr fires, - And daughters lighted their fathers' pyres, - In the "good times" past. - Then, mothers at the stake gave birth; - And, to make their sufferings stronger, - Had their new-born babe flung in the flames— - Thank God, we burn no longer! - - The "good old times" are past, my boys, - The "good old times" are past, - When we kill'd—not kept—our aged poor,— - Burnt them as witches by the score, - In the "good times" past. - Then a child of five was burnt alive, - For making the tempest stronger; - And a dog they tried, and a corpse beside— - Thank God, _that_ lasts no longer! - - The "good old times" are past, my boys, - The "good old times" are past, - When the balls were cut from each dog's paw, - For fear they should hunt—so ran the law, - In the "good times" past. - Then manure, they said, was bad for the game, - And rendered the flavour stronger; - So they made it death to Manure the land— - Thank God, _that_ lasts no longer! - - The "good old times" are past, my boys, - The "good old times" are past, - When the walls of Temple Bar were spread - With many a "traitor's" rotting head, - In the "good times" past. - Then for forty shillings men were hung, - And the thirst for blood grew stronger - Man's life was valued then at a sheep's— - Thank God, _that_ lasts no longer! - -[Illustration: - - _What it must come to, at last, if the Ladies go on blowing themselves - out as they do!_ -] - -[Illustration: - - BLOWING UP ONE'S WIFE. -] - - - ALL A-BLOWING! ALL A-GROWING! - -At the time of the French Revolution it was the fashion for ladies to -wear their dresses as tight round as pillow-cases; but now-a-days all is -confusion and bustle. That plaguy half-moon thing has set the ladies' -dresses swelling and swelling, till it will soon take as much stuff to -make a skirt as it does to make a tent. Forty years back a "full dress" -would go comfortably into a bandbox, but now it is only with a great -deal of pressing that more than one can be squeezed into an opera-box. - -It was bad enough when "ye faire damezelles" had hoops all round, like -sugar casks or painted posts; but now they are encompassed with -air-tubes big enough for an atmospheric railway, and it is high time for -the husbands to meddle with what they don't understand, and pick the -ladies' dresses to pieces. In ten years, unless an Act of Parliament is -passed to prevent the spread of feminine dresses, ladies will be such -"awful swells" that there will be no coming near them. Husbands, to -obtain the least "peace and quiet," will be obliged to blow their wives -up not less than three times a day. Ladies' maids will be required to -have lungs like an ironfounder's blast; for if, when Mary is directed to -puff her mistress up into a "good figure," she cannot blow her out "nice -and full," of course she will be told to suit herself with a place where -"good wind" is no object. What a dreadful situation it would be for a -poor dear lady of fashion if any one should call when she's _en -déshabillé_—and consequently, by mere force of contrast, as thin as a -Passover biscuit. There she would be running about the house wringing -her hands, either promising, like a true Christian, to give a kiss for a -blow, or else crying, like the lady with the Mackintosh life-preserver -in a storm at sea, "Oh dear! Oh dear! Will nobody blow me out? Will -nobody blow me out?" - -One thing is certain; our parties will soon become literal "_spreads_," -and sink into very dull affairs, for there will be no dancing, since it -will be physically impossible for more than one to stand up at a time. -The hornpipe—sailor's or college—is the only English _pas seul_, and -_that_, we are afraid, would not exactly suit either Almack's or the -ladies. - -If those dreadful "dress-extenders" come into fashion, flirting -assuredly must go out. It will be impossible for gentlemen, if the dear -creatures keep them at such a distance—at the very _outskirts_ as it -were of their soul's idol, to come within the mortal range of the very -best aimed eyeballs. A squeeze of the hand will be as rare as a squeeze -at Vauxhall. The supper room on the night of a "grand spread" will be a -curious place. There the gentlemen will stand, armed each with a long -baker's peel with which to hand the ladies their refreshments. The -greatest nicety, however, will be required in presenting a trifle, a -glass of wine, or a jelly by these means, lest the whole be deposited in -the fair creature's lap. Still if the ladies will persist in blowing -themselves out before they come, they must not complain that they cannot -eat anything when they are nearly bursting. - -It would require the great prophet Moore himself to foretell all the -mischief to come unless these gowns are taken in a reef or two. If a cry -is raised against advertising carts for blocking up a street, what noise -will the city men make to a skirt stopping the way like a dead wall! No -doubt this last fact will be taken advantage of by every bill sticker in -London, and many a poor dear, on returning home, will find she has been -walking about all day with a three-sheet poster behind her, announcing -there then were "IMMENSE ATTRACTIONS, and had been entirely re-decorated -and painted." - -The omnibus drivers, too, will throw up their reins to a man, unless, -like Pickford's, they are allowed to charge according to size and -weight, and their licences are altered from "thirteen people" to "two -skirts" inside. But the most frightful picture for contemplation is, in -the event of another French Revolution, what will become of the women? -With those dresses they are sure to be seized for making barricades -with. Three or four ladies, a carriage, and a pianoforte or two, would -be better than all the paving-stones in Paris. - -The ladies had better be careful, or the gentlemen in revenge will -introduce the old Dutch costume. - -[Illustration: - - _A Splendid Spread._ -] - -[Illustration: - - PORTRAIT OF THE CULPRIT. -] - - - AN AFFECTING COPY OF VERSES - WRITTEN BY - THE WRETCHED BRIDEGROOM, - ON - THE EVENING PREVIOUS TO THE AWFUL CEREMONY. - - In grief and sorrow I rue the day, - A young woman first led me astray; - There is no hope for me, to-morrow, - My life must end in shame and sorrow. - - In the morning, at ten, St. George's bell - Will toll for me—dreadful for to tell; - For then, alas!—oh, bitter lot— - They ties the horrid fatal knot. - - Percival Spooney is my sad name, - I do confess I was much to blame; - I see my folly, now it is too late, - And do deserve my most dreadful fate. - - On the first of April, it came to pass, - I well remember,—Alas! alas!— - The very thought makes my heart to bleed,— - I did vow to do this horrid deed. - - Oh, hadn't I never seen Ann Power, - I might have been happy to this hour; - Keeping company with that artful Miss - Has brought me, in my prime, to this. - - It was, while a-walking in Love Lane, - She first put the thoughts into my brain; - Sure, I had much better ne'er been born, - For now I must end my days in scorn. - - Intent on effecting my vile plan, - I seeks her father—a grey-hair'd man; - And, like a madman, straight attacks him, - 'Twas a heavy blow when I did _axe_ him. - - With a heart of stone, or hardest metal, - The poor old man I quick did settle: - He soon was silenc'd, that fatal night, - And quite cut up—what a horrid sight! - - Indeed—indeed, it was shocking sad: - How could I do it?—but I was mad; - When I did think on what I'd done - I felt inclin'd for to cut and run. - - Her mother was,—oh, horrid fact! - A vile accessory to the act; - For she did urge me on, you see, - To do this here atrocity. - - Young men, by me pray a warning take— - Shun woman's company ere 'tis too late; - If you're a-courting, strive your lives to mend, - Pity my sad untimely end. - - To-morrow, many the crowd will swell, - To behold the awful spectacle: - What a dismal sight, alas! to see - A young man launch'd into misery. - - As the church bell tolls the hour of ten, - The sad procession will begin; - And then, 'midst many a tearful eye, - My hands they will proceed to tie. - - While the fatal noose they do prepare, - The Parson he will breathe a prayer, - Then vainly ask for me a blessin', - And pardon crave for my transgression. - - Sadly, I confess, I've done amiss. - I know there is no hope for bliss. - To-morrow I shall be a public gaze, - And then in torments end my days. - -[Illustration: - - THE MELANCHOLY PROCESSION. -] - -[Illustration: - - WAITING FOR THE MAIL. -] - - - _BON MOT_-TO WAFERS: - OR, SEALS FOR "SHUTTING-UP" GOVERNORS, LOVERS, DEBTORS, AND CREDITORS. - - ┌────────────────────────────────────┐ - │ Obliged to be _sharper_, │ - │ because _less blunt_ than usual. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ Love should come with a │ - │ _ring_, but not _without a rap_. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ To-day I write; │ - │ To-morrow I writ. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ Rat-a-tat! │ - │ Look out for a Latitat. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ A little "soft solder" │ - │ for a little tin. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ A _billet_ more than _doux_ │ - │ for a _bill_ that's over-_due_. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ Pig's _cheek_ pleases—Woman's │ - │ tickles—Man's offends. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ I send you _an oat_ (a note), │ - │ Respondez _wheat_. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ May we never _differ_, │ - │ But always _correspond_. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ Like a sheep I seek │ - │ consolation in my _pen_. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ This is between you and me │ - │ and the _post_. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ Though we correspond, I │ - │ trust there'll be _no words_ │ - │ between us. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ You can't _do wrong_, │ - │ If you _do write_. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ May the _female_ be as │ - │ trustworthy as the _mail_. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ I write on spec: │ - │ and hope it will _answer_. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ You know _the hand_; │ - │ Become the possessor of it. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ Though a person of extreme │ - │ _diffidence_, │ - │ I write this in _confidence_. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ Pray give me your _countenance_; │ - │ it will put a _better_ │ - │ _face_ upon the matter. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ I trust you wont be _dreadfully_ │ - │ _affected_ on receipt of this. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ Sow your wild oats, and │ - │ reap five-p'un'-'_otes_. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ You _do_! │ - │ I _dun_. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ The "Governor" holds out, │ - │ and wont give up the keys. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ Eat a hearty breakfast, and │ - │ _Dinner_ forget. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ To one who possesses a good large │ - │ _chere amie_ (_share o' me_). │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ If I _correspond_ with you, │ - │ You must "_match_" with me. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ You're _dying_ for me you declare; │ - │ So you _are_, poor old │ - │ fellow,—_your hair_. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ Friendship is the _cement_ of │ - │ life, and we the "_bricks_." │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ You require _bleeding_; │ - │ Allow me to _stick_ you. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ This is the land of Liberty, │ - │ so I take one. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ Don't be always _for-getting_, │ - │ And never _for-giving_. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ For _cleaning_ your _tables_ │ - │ there's nothing like a good │ - │ "_Sponge_." │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ One chaste salute, │ - │ Go it my _two-lips_. │ - ├────────────────────────────────────┤ - │ Give your _countenance_, and │ - │ you'll give something │ - │ extremely _handsome_. │ - └────────────────────────────────────┘ - - - THE LORD MAYOR IN IRELAND. - -It is sad pity the City of London broke off their bargain about the -Connaught waste land. Everybody was waiting for the fun, when his Civic -Majesty should pay his state visit to the Kingdom of Bogs that he had -added to that of Gog's. How the "boys" would have laughed to see the -whole procession stick fast in the mud, and the man in armour, weighed -down in his own scales, sink up to his helmet in the swamp. How the -"finest pisinthry" would have cheered to see the gilt coach, Lord Mayor, -Recorder and all, suddenly disappear in the illigant muck. - -In compliment to his new subjects, the Emperor of all the Bogs and Gogs, -of course, would have ordered the faithful Birch (for spare the birch -spoil the "boys") to supply a "feast" replete with every Irish delicacy -of the season. The bill of fare for this most probably would have been, -_First Course_—Praties wid de bones in 'em; _Remove_—the smallest taste -in life of salt mate, to make the poteen come like a "rale blessin." -Then to win the hearts of his new subjects the King of Cockneydom would, -doubtlessly, have spoken in the richest brogue he could manage. At -Donnybrook he would have chucked all the girls under the chin and called -them "_Macrees_," and "_Astores;_" and delighted the men by flourishing -his shillelah and crying "Och! Goroo! Goroo! Tare an 'ouns will nobody -thrid on the tails of my gownd?" while, to complete the thing, he would -have directed the "Mace-bearer, darlint, to feel round the tint for the -bald hids of the Aldermin." - -Realty our London _Mayors_ are almost as strange animals as the Irish -Bulls. - -[Illustration: - - "The Lord Mayors—Show— - And—The Lord Mayors Feast - —in—IRELAND" -] - -[Illustration: - - The Fearful, but probable ultimate effects of—feeding John Bull—upon - Foreign produce -] - -[Illustration: - - AGRICULTURAL DISTRESS. -] - - - DREADFUL CASE OF AGRICULTURAL DISTRESS. - -The state of the British Farmer is growing desperate. Unless something -is done quickly, they will ere long become mere men of straw. As it is, -the distress prevalent in the different counties has nearly reached its -climax. The farmers are so tied down in NOTTS that scarcely any of them -have tasted Champagne for the last six months. There isn't a man in BEDS -that dreams of hunting more than twice a-week, and OXON, nearly mad from -being driven so hard, has scarcely a dozen families in which the French -language is spoken. - -The great question of what will become of the British Farmer has been in -part answered by Mr. Hiceter, who has become—insolvent. It appears that -gentleman has for some time expected the Ploughshare of Distress to cut -up his hearth, and the Harrow of affliction to dig its teeth and nails -into the bosom of his family. This he has long anticipated, on account -of his not having paid any rent for the last two years—indeed from the -fact of farming seldom _paying_, Mr. Hiceter had long since learned to -look upon the agricultural business as an extensive _field for hoeing_ -(owing). Mr. Hiceter complains that he has suffered much from his -kidneys, which have been diseased for these last two years. His barley, -he says, has run to nothing but beard. His ears, however, have been -remarkably long; still, his corn has been so bad of late, that it has -been as much as he could do to hobble on for this long time. Two large -fields of Mangel Wurzel have been swallowed up by a _Native de Paris_, -whom he engaged to perfect his daughters in the French tongue; and the -whole of his six acres of canary seed have gone to teach the girls -singing. - -The sympathy of the country for miles round has been raised on behalf of -the Misses Hiceter. Their accomplishments are such that if they were not -born, at least they have been bred ladies of quality. In the midst of -their sorrows they find great comfort in the use of the globes. They do -not complain, but pass their time singing Italian duets, and they have -already worked several superb ottomans. Their extreme repugnance to the -disgustingly early hours, and vulgar laborious offices of a farm life, -completely reconciles them to their present condition of having nothing -to do. They also feel great consolation in knowing that in future they -will be able to appear every evening in "low-necked dresses," without -being pointed at by the ploughboys, and to dine at the much more -civilized hour of seven, without being called proud by the Goodies. - -In their prosperity it was ever the object of the Misses Hiceter to -ennoble and refine the low manners and customs of the British Farmer. It -was through their exertions that their brother, Mr. Albert Hiceter, was -induced to wear a diamond ring and yellow kid gloves whilst guiding the -plough. Whistling at the plough was also strictly forbidden by them -among the farm servants, and white berlin gloves and meerschaum pipes -rigorously insisted upon. - -It is very gratifying to learn that these two young ladies have made up -their minds to marry only persons of independent fortune and title, and -to leave their papa as soon as they conveniently can, unless he consents -to forego his filthy clay pipe before company. - -We subjoin a few of the lots and purchasers at the late sale:— - -Lot 5.—A capital Guernsey Cow; a first-rate Spanish Guitar; two Breeding -Sows; and a lovely Chalk drawing of a "Brigand," by Miss Victoria -Hiceter.—(_Bought for £22 10 0 by Ensign Namby, whose features bore a -great resemblance to those of the Brigand._) - -Lot 8.—Thirty sacks of prime Potatoes (Early Yorks); a patent Rat-trap; -a splendid Embroidered Cat; Wheelbarrow, never used; four ropes of -strong Onions; six dozen of the best French Cambric Pocket -Handkerchiefs; and a binocular Opera Glass.—(_Sold very cheap to a Gin -Spinner of the name of Baylis._) - -Lot 22.—Capital Set first-rate Harness; several Embroidered Collars; -sixteen Hay Forks; three rows lovely Imitation Pearls; two bushels of -Buckwheat; nearly a peck of dirty White Kid Gloves (warranted cleaned -only twice); and a bunch of handsome False Ringlets.—(_Purchased by the_ -_Rev. G. Hodder, who complained that some of the Kid Gloves would not -bear cleaning again._) - -Lot 36.—Two pair of magnificent Top-boots; half an acre of fine Turnips; -one quart of Lavender Water; a sack of Oats; a dozen plump Geese; six -new Ostrich Feathers; and a bundle of blue Veils.—(_Sold to Mrs. Glyde -of the Rookery._) - -Lot 54.—Magnificent Stuffed Spaniel (King Charles's breed); eight good -Spades; ditto Pitchforks; two beautiful Fancy Dresses (one Circassian -Slave, and one Mary Queen of Scots); several Vols. Italian Duets; -splendidly bound Family Bible (not much used); large Garden Roller; and -six loads strong Manure.—(_Knocked down to Lady Guy Tomlins, who had -brought her carriage to take them with her._) - - - BREACH OF PROMISE. - OGLES _v._ WINKIN. - -On the day appointed for the trial of the wretched man MIKE WINKIN, the -rush of ladies was so terrific that, we regret to state, several highly -respectable females met with severe accidents. MRS. DE SMYTHE SMITH had -her bonnet completely crushed, and her body literally torn from her. She -was carried to a shop in the neighbourhood, where her head was -immediately dressed; her body, however, was found to be so injured that -it was thought advisable to take it off. MISS BEEVES, we are sorry to -say, also lost both her legs, they having been taken from under her in -the scuffle. - -The greatest praise is due to MRS. INSPECTOR DAKIN of the T division, -who kept up a constant and strong supply of that body. - -At ten o'clock MRS. SERJEANT BLUBAG took her seat on the _fauteuil_. She -was attired in a robe of _poult-de-soie rose_, trimmed with _peau de -lapin blanc garnie de demi queue de chat noir_, and with her hair _au -cactus_. On the "devotionals" beside her were seated the MISSES JUSTICE, -TRACTS, and GRUEL. - -The prisoner on being brought in was assailed with cries of "You brute! -Oh, you brute!" which drowned the call of Miss Asthma the usher, for -"Silence, my dears! Pray, silence, my dears!" - -Miss Wartz, Q.C., the celebrated authoress of the "Trials of Women," -assisted by fifteen other ladies, appeared for the prosecution; and, -having laid down a lovely pair of braces that she had been engaged in -working, opened the case by saying that— - -In the whole of her born days she had never heard of such a downright -cruel affair. - -Ever since she had worn a filthy disgusting wig that covered her "seat -of reason" with horse-hair. - -What on earth had come to the gentlemen lately was really more than she -could say. - -But men's _suits_ now-a-days were so plentiful that it was the third -time she had appeared in breeches that day. - -Really, marriage was made such game of now-a-days, that, terrible to -tell! Hymen had completely extinguished his torch; for, as he said, "_le -jeu ne vaut pas la chandelle_." (Great confusion and cries of "Silence, -my dears! Pray, _pray_, my dears! let us have silence.") - -The plaintiff in this case is a very good young woman, in the prime of -life, and the pastrycook line; - -Whose manners are lovely, morals excellent, character superb, and eel -pies divine. - -Early each morning defendant would seek out her shop, and stop there the -whole of the day. - -Paying, the great big silly, nothing but compliments for emptying the -whole of the stale-tart tray. - -But his promises proved only pie-crust; for he suddenly left her to make -love to a cook-shop next door. - -After having sworn the fondest devotion, and lived on her eel pies for a -good six months or more. - -And now he sends her a nasty impudent letter, saying, carrots are things -he cannot a-bear; - -Though, as the poor fond dear said, she was ready to _dye_ for his sake, -the very moment she heard he didn't like nice warm auburn hair. - -Mrs. Sniggles was called as witness. She objected to say how old she -was. Might be forty—might be twenty. On her oath, she wasn't sixty. -_Would_ swear she wasn't fifty-nine. Was perfectly well aware of the -consequences of perjury; and yet _would_ persist in affirming that she -had not reached her fifty-eighth year. Objected to answer any more -questions as to age. (Objection allowed.) Knew plaintiff. Had called to -see her, and found the poor thing fainting. She came to a little when -the chemist's young man tickled her. Plaintiff hadn't eaten enough to -lie on a fourpenny-piece ever since. Wouldn't swear to a -fourpenny-piece. - -At this point of the case, the forewoman of the jury stated to her -Honour that their minds were perfectly made up as to the guilt of the -prisoner: whereupon Mrs. Serjeant Blubag proceeded to put on the black -cap. It was of _crêpe noir_, splendidly trimmed with artificial flowers -of rosemary and rue, and had a very _distingué_ and solemn effect. Her -Honour dwelt for a considerable time on the wretched man's impudent -expression of countenance, asking him in a most impressive manner where -he expected he would go to, and concluded by sentencing him to marriage -and hard labour for the remainder of his days, as hanging was too good -for him. - -The defendant was then removed in the custody of Mrs. Twentystone, the -turnkey, and an old maiden lady of a serious turn of mind was -immediately sent for, to prepare the man for his wretched doom. - -[Illustration: - - A REGULAR POSER. -] - - - COCKNEY ENIGMAS. - - - No. 1. - (_On the letter H._) - - I dwells in the Herth, and I breathes in the Hair; - If you searches the Hocean you'll find that I'm there. - The first of all Hangels in Holympus am Hi, - Yet I'm banish'd from 'Eaven, expell'd from on 'Igh. - But tho' on this Horb I am destin'd to grovel, - I'm ne'er seen in an 'Ouse, in an 'Ut, nor an 'Ovel; - Not an 'Oss nor an 'Unter e'er bears me, alas! - But often I'm found on the top of a Hass. - I resides in a Hattic, and loves not to roam, - And yet I'm invariably habsent from 'Ome. - Tho' 'ushed in the 'Urricane, of the Hatmosphere part, - I enters no 'Ed, I creeps into no 'Art. - Only look, and you'll see in the Heye I appear, - Only hark, and you'll 'ear me just breathe in the Hear; - Though in sex not an 'E, I am (strange paradox!) - Not a bit of an 'Effer, but partly a Hox. - Of Heternity Hi'm the beginning! And mark, - Though I goes not with Noar, I'm the first in the Hark. - I'm never in 'Elth—have with Fysic no power; - I dies in a Month, but comes back in a Hour. - - - No. II. - (_On the letter W._) - - The Vide Vorld you may search and my fellow not find; - I dwells in a Wacuum, deficient in Vind; - In the Wisage I'm seen—in the Woice I am heard, - And yet I'm inwisible—gives went to no Vurd. - I'm not much of a Vag, for I'm vanting in Vit; - But distinguish'd in Werse for the Wollums I've writ. - I'm the head of all Willains, yet far from the Vurst— - I'm the foremost in Wice, tho' in Wirtue the first. - I'm us'd not to Veapons, and ne'er goes to Vor; - Tho' in Walour inwincible—in Wictory sure. - The first of all Wiands and Wictuals is mine— - Rich in Wen'zon and Weal, but deficient in Vine. - To Wanity given, I in Welwets abound; - But in Voman, in Vife, and in Vidow an't found; - Yet, conspicuous in Wirgins! And I'll tell you, between us, - To persons of taste I'm a bit of a Wenus; - Yet none take me for Veal—or for Voe in its stead, - For I ranks not among the s-veet Voo'd Vun and Ved. - -[Illustration: - - "I SEE I MUST GIVE IT UP." -] - - - THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE. - -The Ancients certainly made a great mistake in not choosing Niobe for -the Goddess of Marriage. Hymen is by far too jolly; he is all smiles— -more of the hyena than the crocodile; whilst Niobe is just as she ought -to be—all tears. - -There never yet was a marriage that was not a perfect St. Swithin -affair. No one—unless he has a soul of gutta-percha, thoroughly -waterproof—should think of going to a wedding with less than two -pocket-handkerchiefs; and, even then, a sponge is better adapted to the -"joyful occasion." Men take wives as they do pills, with plenty of -water—excepting, indeed, when the "little things" are well gilt. - -If a kind of matrimonial barometer were kept in each family, and its -daily indications as to the state of the weather at the fireside -accurately registered, we have no doubt that on the average being taken -the following results would be arrived at— - - BEFORE MARRIAGE _Fair_. - DURING MARRIAGE _Wet_. - AFTER MARRIAGE _Stormy_. - -Meteorologically speaking, it would be highly interesting could we -arrive at a knowledge of the exact amount of "doo" prevailing during -courtship. - -Nobody can feel more truly wretched than on the happiest day of his -life. A wedding is even more melancholy than a funeral. The bride weeps -for everything and nothing. At first she's heart-broken because she's -about to leave her Ma and Pa; then, because she hopes and trusts Chawles -will always love her; and, when no other excuse is left, she bursts into -tears because she's afraid he will not bring the ring with him. Mamma, -too, is determined to cry for the least thing. Her dear girl is going -away, and she is certain something dreadful is about to happen; and -goodness gracious! she's forgotten to lock the dining-room door, with -all the wine and plate on the table, and three strange greengrocers in -the house. At church the water is laid on at _eye_-service; indeed, the -whole party look so wretched, no one would imagine there was a "happy -pair" among them. When Papa gives away his darling child, he does it -with as many sobs as if he were handing her over to the fiercest -Polygamist since Henry the Eighth—instead of bestowing her upon one who -loves his "lamb," regardless of the "mint" sauce that accompanies her. -The bridegroom snivels, either because crying's catching, or because he -thinks he ought, for decency's sake, to appear deeply moved; and the -half-dozen bridesmaids are sure to be all weeping, because everybody -else weeps. - -[Illustration: - - _The Happiest moment of my life_—— -] - -When the party return home, however, the thoughts of the breakfast cheer -them up a little; and the bridesmaids, in particular, feel quite -resigned to their fate. As if they had grown hungry by crying—or the -tears had _whetted_ their appetites—they drown their cares for a while -in the white soup-tureen. The champagne goes off, and goes round. Eyes -begin to twinkle, the young ladies get flushed, and titter and giggle -with the bridegroom, until at last the "funny man" of the party begins -talking of the splendid gravy spoon he means to give when he's a -godfather; but is immediately frowned down by the old aunt opposite, who -has come dressed out as gaily and as full of colours as an oilman's -shop-front. - -Then the father gets up, and after a short and pathetic eulogium upon -the virtues of that "sweet girl," whom he "loves as his own flesh and -_blood_," thumps the table, and tells the company that "any one who -would not treat her properly would be a _scoundrel_!" Upon this everyone -present turns round to look and frown at the wretched villain of a -bridegroom, and then they all fall to weeping again. But so strongly has -the feeling set in against the new son-in-law, that it is only by a -speech full of the deepest pathos, that he can persuade the company that -he has not the least thought of murdering, or indeed even assaulting his -wife. - -At last the mother, bride, and bridesmaids retire to say "Good-bye," and -have a good cry altogether upstairs. Then the blessing and the weeping -begin again with renewed vigour. As at Vauxhall, they seem to keep the -grandest shower for the last. The bridesmaids cry till their noses are -quite red, and their hair is as straight as if they had been bathing. -And when the time comes for the happy pair to leave, in order to catch -the train for Dover, then the mother, father, sisters, brothers, bride, -bridegroom, bridesmaids, and every soul in the house, all cry—even down -to the old cook "who knowed her ever since she were a babby in long -clothes"—as if the young couple were about to be "transported for life" -in the literal rather than the figurative sense of the term. - -[Illustration: - - RECOMMENDED TO MERCY. -] - -[Illustration: - - FIRST AND SECOND WRANGLERS. -] - - - COLLEGE FOR LADIES. - Examination Papers. - - - Examiners. - - DOCTORESS SENNA. - - PROFESSORESS FANNY SANDELLS. | PROFESSORESS EYEBALLS, M.A. - - - English Language and Literature. - -1. According to the Anglo-Norman pronunciation, is it correct to say -"the people of Frarnce love to darnse on the grarse, 'neath the bloo -sky?" or is it more elegant to speak it thus: "The people of Frannce -love to dannce on the gras, 'neath the bleeugh skeeigh?" - -2. In High English is there such a word as Cabbage? - -3. Is the "wide-awake hat" a weak or strong Mœso-Gothic phrase? and give -your opinion as to whether "wide-awakes" were worn by the early Teutonic -tribes. - - - French. - - [_To be translated into French by the Senior and Junior Classes._] - -1. I saw a perfect love of a "white chip", at Howell and James's, and -some of the sweetest muffs I ever beheld in all my life. - -2. Our Fanny is a great big silly, and your Charles is a perfect duck. - - [_Observation sur le Comte D'Orsay, par Mademoiselle Séraphine._] - -La cravate! c'est là, la force et la puissance de cette homme. Elle -était d'une bleu magnifique. Son gilet brodé en cheveux certains, noirs, -et gris, était d'un velour superbe et d'un rouge infernel. Ces -yeux-Seigneur! ces étoiles qu'il avait pour yeux! Tout ce qu'il regarde, -il perce, comme l'éclair. Ils sont cruels et adorables! Mais surtout— -surtout! qu'elles délires, qu'elles extase à voir les favoris de cet -homme ravissant. C'est là, est toute sa puissance. Il sont véritablement -le lit rosier de mille Cupidons—— - -O-o-oh! sacre nom de tonnerre! le comte est un ange terrestriel et -séduisant. - - - Philosophy of Logic. - -1. Test the following examples by logical rules— - - I should like to know your age? - Would you! - Then you wont. - -2. What form of syllogism does the following come under?— - - Dinner is late again! - Why is it so? - Because it is. - - - Mathematics. - -1. Is the highest power of T equal to x x x? - -2. What is the square of Lincoln's Inn, and is it equal to the square of -Belgrave? - -3. State the _areas_ that the K division of the whole force will occupy. - -4. Given a ¼ of lamb, required to know how many times C21 + E9 will go -into the same. - - - Architecture. - -1. Draw the ornaments of a Corinthian cap, and explain to what kind of -front and facings same is becoming. - - - Zoology. - -1. Are boys monkeys, and men great pigs? - - - Botany. - -1. Does Maiden's Hair (_Briza Media_) bear many flowers? State whether -it grows to great length; and if, when cut, some asses are not very fond -of it. - -2. Is Sweet William (_Dianthus Barbatus_) very hairy about head, and -remarkable for bristles? Is he likewise five-toothed, and how many -pistils does he usually carry? - - - Law. - -1. Mention some of the impediments to marriage, and state what -ceremonies will make a marriage complete in Scotland without celebration -_in facie ecclesiæ_. - -2. In the case of separation by mutual consent, to what extent is the -husband liable for the maintenance of his wife? - - - Geology. - -1. What kind of crust is the crust of the earth? Is it a flaky one? and -do you think Nature has a nice light hand for a crust? - - - Knitology. - -1. Explain fully the meanings knit 4, make 1, slip 4, knit 1, pass the -slip stitch over, slip 1, purl 13, make 3, and reduce them into form. - - - Anatomy. - -1. Give an account of the general arrangement, size, structure, and mode -of development of the lower bustle, and explain how, in case of -accident, you would remove and take up same. - - - Gastronomy. - -1. How do you prepare hands of pork? Must you first clean your hands. - -2. In dressing calves' feet, should you first wash your feet? - - - Natural Philosophy and Optics. - -1. When an object is placed before a mirror, explain the principles why -the appearance of the figure is increased. - -2. Are all _bodies_ compressible? and, if so, state what force is -required to approximate the two sides of the body, so as to describe a -perfect figure. - - - Mechanics and Hydraulics. - -1. If there be one inclined _plain_ and a positive "object", state at -what rate all bodies will fly from them. - -2. Explain the action of "pumps", and state how many would be required -to cause an overflow at Almack's. State also how many feet ordinary -pumps will work. - - * * * * * - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1851. - - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - "FEMALE EMIGRATION." - -Mr. Sidney Herbert has forced upon us a great fact—an uncomfortably -great fact—it is thrust into our brain like a fat thirteenth into an -omnibus—we are alarmingly overstocked with lovely women; there is a -perfect glut of angel purity. Our drawing-rooms, we are told, are choked -up with book-muslins; and who would not weep to behold the despairing -virgins forced to "polk," "waltz," and "quadrille" together. Glance down -the longest of our very long drapers' shops—is it not dreadful to -contemplate the two endless rows of bonnets? Even the few hats that you -do see in such places belong to swains that have been dragged there with -smiles and coaxings—lambs led by garlands to the sacrificial counter. - -And what is the consequence? Our youths are pursued by clever mammas, -and hemmed in by desperate daughters. Embroidered braces, worked -cigar-cases, and beaded pen-wipers are showered down upon them. Still -all the ladies cannot be married! Bountiful nature has provided two and -a half wives for each Briton; but selfish Parliament denies them more -than one; and no Englishman—however sanguine—can expect to be a widower -more than twice. - -[Illustration] - -But great times produce great men, and at this sad crisis Mr. Sidney -Herbert steps forward to call the attention of the British public to -Australia—to Australia, the land of the wifeless! - - [_An interval of four months is supposed to elapse._ - -Already have a few shipments been made on speculation, and they have -answered beyond all hopes. We give the advices received of the last -cargo. - -"_Per the 'Orange Wreath,' 400 tons. Lovit, Commander._ - -"Seventy cwt. of serviceable spinsters averaging twelve stone, warranted -affectionate and good mothers. - -"One ton and a half neat widows, fond of children, and small eaters." - - [_An interval of twelve months is supposed to elapse._ - -The news received (we are happy to say) is very cheering. "Ringlets to -the waist are in great demand. Black eyes (very superior jet) are freely -disposed of; and red hair, well oiled, at prices slightly in advance of -the raw material." - -An emigration mania has seized upon the ladies. Every spinster in and -out of her teens is sighing for the land where husbands are to be as -numerous as dead flies in a grocer' window. Paris bonnets are being -soldered down in tin cases, and low-necked dresses are "run up" in a -night—like mushrooms. Wedding-rings are bought up for fear of accidents, -and the marriage service is rehearsed every evening before going to bed. - - [_An interval of six months is supposed to elapse._ - -If the desire for emigration among females is not stopped, England will -soon be like a bee-hive, with only one female in it, and that—the Queen. -Only wait a year—a little year—and then do not be startled to find "The -Bridesmaid" leaving early in January so full of virgins as to be obliged -to "let out her stays" before she can "take her wind" properly. Every -month hundreds of our daughters (of course we speak figuratively) are -hurrying to the Australian shores to get settlers for life. Before age -shall have made our whiskers bushy, London will be womanless. Let us -grow prophetic and show what will happen. - - [_An interval of two years is supposed to elapse._ - -Half the linendrapers' shops are closed; Waterloo House is "to let;" -Sewell and Cross' has become a cigar divan. Oh this female emigration -mania! We'll give the committee another ten years, and then let our -un-darned socks be upon their heads. When at last we have become a -nation of shopkeeping monks, Government will have to take the matter in -hand. Ladies will have to be imported to supply the place of the -exported; our fleets will be obliged to scour the seas, touching at -every island, till their cargo of lovely virgins and charming widows be -made up, and then—back again to shirt-buttonless England. - -No doubt a duty will he levied upon the blooming freight. The love-sick -bachelor, armed with a "tasting order," will hurry to the docks to try -the sweetness of the charming Negresses before taking them out of bond. -We can imagine the diary that will be kept some years hence. - - [_An interval of thirty years is supposed to elapse._ - -"This morning up early and went, as usual, to hoot under old Sidney -Herbert's window. I smashed the only sound pane of glass in the -dining-room. He hasn't had a knocker these three months. Was delighted -to hear that the Albany had, for the seventy-fifth time, challenged him -to a man; he has again refused! - -"Heavens! what a state we are in. Before I could go out, I had to gum up -the holes in my socks, as usual, and sent for the saddler to sew a fresh -buckle and strap on my false collar. - -"Had a long talk with a poor policeman, who was positively starving. He -told me of the good old days of the cooks, when a gallant officer was -always sure of his six good suppers. Poor fellow! he is not worse off -than the army. Many of our bold troops have not smoked for months; they -miss the maid-servants' wages sadly. - -"I groaned as I walked down Regent Street. All the shops closed. The -crowd round the wax female bust at Rossi's was fearful. Heavens! what a -lovely head and shoulders it has! - -"Dined at Ned Franklin's yesterday, and had a small piece of pickled -gooseberry pie that his sister had sent him from Australia. He tells me -the subscription among the Mahomedan countries goes on well. The Grand -Turk was moved to tears at our situation, and subscribed twenty of his -wives on the spot. Bless him! Bless him! - -"Fluffy has been obliged to lock his wife up in the cellar. His door was -broken open yesterday _ten_ times by the adoring multitude. All over his -walls has been chalked, 'NO MONOPOLY!' - -"We are on the point of despair! Is it not kind of the Queen to allow -her lady's-maid to be on view every Saturday? The angel is sadly -small-pocked, but still valued at 4000 guineas. - -"Last week the daughter of the late Miss Biffin was wheeled to the -altar, and gave her foot in marriage to the Honourable James Jessamy. -Here's a state of things!" - - [_An interval of ten years is supposed to elapse._ - -"Glorious news, glorious news! The prayers that have been read in church -for the last six months are answered. The 'Lover's Hope,' A 1, has been -spoken with off Deal. She has a splendid cargo of fine healthy angels. -Three marriage offers were made off Ramsgate through speaking-trumpets. - -"_Gravesend._—Met all my old companions, like myself, with wedding-rings -and wedding-cakes under their arms. As many of the pets have dark -complexions—most of them, indeed, are quite black—some of the fellows -brought glass beads, nails, and old knives with them. - -"Hurrah! we have struck our bargains and paid the duty. This morning two -hundred of us were married, ten at a time. The clergyman fainted. My -dear angelic wife is of a beautiful japan black. I clothed her before -introducing her to my friends. The dear affectionate creature presented -me, after the ceremony, with a joint of her little finger, neatly done -up in a piece of her red shawl. It is a custom of their country. I had -to buy her, for her wedding _trousseau_, six bright tin saucepans and a -set of polished fire-irons that she took a fancy to on her way to -church." - - [_A short interval is supposed to elapse._ - -"Three quarters of a year of unexampled bliss have fled quickly by: I am -the father of two raisin-coloured little heirs. I wish I could persuade -my wife not to wear the kitchen poker suspended from her neck." - - [_An interval of ten years is finally supposed to elapse._ - -"Despair! Despair! Why did not the 'Matchmaker' arrive a few years -sooner? She is laden with the loveliest cream-coloured Circassians. - - "DEATH OR BIGAMY!" - -[Illustration: - - FELLOWS, OF THE ZOOLOGICAL SOCIETY. -] - - - AN INVITATION TO THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDENS. - (BY A GENTLEMAN WITH A SLIGHT IMPEDIMENT IN HIS SPEECH.) - -[Illustration] - - I have found out a gig-gig-gift for my fuf-fuf——fair, - I have found where the rattle-snakes bub-bub——breed. - Won't you c-c-c-come, and I'll show you the hub-bub——bear, - And the lions and tit-tit——tigers at fuf-fuf-fuf——feed. - - I know where the c-c-c-co——cockatoo's song - Makes mum-mum-mum——melody through the sweet vale; - Where the m——monkeys gig-gig——grin all the day long, - Or gracefully swing by the tit-tit-tit-tit—tail. - - You shall pip-pip——play, dear, some did-did——delicate joke, - With the bub-bub——bear on the tit-tit——top of his pip-pip-pip—— - pole; - But observe, 'tis for-for-for——bidden to pip-pip——poke - At the bub-bub——bear with your pip-pip——pink pip-pip-pip-pip—— - parasol. - - You shall see the huge elephant pip-pip-pip——play; - You shall gig-gig-gaze on the stit-tit——ately racoon, - And then did-did——dear together we'll stray, - To the cage of the bub-bub——blue fuf-fuf-fac'd bab-bab-bab——boon. - - You wish'd (I r-r-r——remember it well, - And I l-l-l-lov'd you the m-m-more for the wish) - To witness the bub-bub-bub——beautiful pip-pip——pel- - -ican swallow the l-l-live l-l-l-little fuf-fuf——fish. - - Then c-c-come, did-did-dearest, n-n-n-never say "nun-nun-nun-nun——nay;" - I'll tit-tit-treat you, my love, to a "bub-bub-bub——buss," - Tis but thrup-pip-pip-pip——pence a pip-pip——piece all the way, - To see the hip-pip-pip—(I beg your pardon)— - To see the hip-pip-pip-pip—(ahem!) - The hip-pip-pip-pip——pop-pop-pop-pop—(I mean) - The hip-po-po-po——(dear me, love, you know) - The hippo-pot-pot-pot——('pon my word I'm quite ashamed of myself). - The hip-pip-pop——the hip-po-pot. - To see the Hippop——potamus. - - - THE CENSUS OF 1851. - -The earnest care of the Government to know the exact number of people -that the parish of Clumpley-cum-Bogglesmere contained on an especial -night—how many folks slept in 43, Parson's Court, Upper Bloater Street, -Chandler's Market, on the same occasion: who populated the police-cells; -who put up at hotels; who dozed the night away in cabs and coffee-shops— -on billiard-tables and heaps of cabbages—anywhere, everywhere, and -nowhere—this great investigation of those who cannot believe their -Census any longer, is about to come off again, and again to furnish its -utterly false returns. - -We say utterly false, for the means taken to insure correctness, as to -the number of persons who slept in a particular place on a particular -night, are contemptibly inefficient. With the smallest foresight, we can -furnish a number of tables proving its inaccuracy; and from the mass of -evidence taken by the Census Committee of Inquiry after the last return -(which evidence has never been made public) we can also bring forward -conclusive facts. To show the futility of expecting a correct return -from houses we subjoin the following information, taken quite at random, -from different individuals. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -CASE 1.—_Mr. Mark Lane._—I am a single man, and on the Corn Exchange. I -never slept anywhere on the night in question. I went to dine at the -Divan, and then I went to the play, and then I went to the Albion, and -then I went to the Cyder Cellars, and then I went about, and then I went -to a coffee-house, and then I went to Westminster Bridge to see the sun -rise, and then I went to my office and then I went to bed on the -counting-house table, and upset the inkstand into the wafers; and then I -went to sleep till the clerk came. - -[Illustration: - - TAKING THE CENSUS. -] - -CASE 2.—_Joseph Badger._—I'm a cabman. I didn't sleep not in no house on -that night: I haven't done for years. I took a party from Doory Lane, -Julyun's, to Pentonwill; and afterwards nodded on my box a bit, just a -wink, cos no cabs as never no call there. Then I took a gent as was a -little overcome, and thought he was at Paddington, as far as the Edg'er -Road, by St. Paul's and the Regency Circus; and then I went to the Great -West'un, and dozed a bit again, inside, and set on my whip and broke it, -just like anythink, as you might say. Next fare I got was a up-passenger -from Exeter, and took him to the Piazzy Hotel, and then I got another -wink in Bedford Street, and there I was till morning. - -[Illustration] - -CASE 3.—_Mr. Gregory Barnes._—I am a surgeon and chemist in Seven Dials. -I certainly never slept in any house on that evening. I was rung up at -eleven o'clock to an obstetric case in Endell Street; and sent from -there at two, to an Irishman who'd got his skull fractured in St. -Giles's, by a quart pot; and was obliged to leave him to cut down a -tipsy tailor, who had just hung himself in Crown Street, and was two -hours coming round; and then I had his wife in hysterics for the same -time; and then it was morning, and I was obliged to go off to the Old -Bailey on a trial of manslaughter. - -[Illustration: - - ALARMING INCREASE OF - THE POPULATION. -] - -But these examples might be multiplied to the ages of Sinclair, -Widdicombe, Braham, and any other "veterans," as they are termed, -combined. The people unnumbered in the Census compose waiters, tramps, -stokers, carriers, gamblers, piemen, breakfast-stall-keepers, steamboat -stewards, mail-train passengers, moon-shooters, show-folks, Vauxhall -lamp-men, and renowned individuals of all sorts, whose night's repose is -doubtful; such as Mr. Braidwood; the toll-keepers at the bridges, the -beadles of the arcades, Mr. Green, if on a night ascent; the editor of -the _Times_; and, on certain debates, Mr. Chisholm Anstey. - -We are told that population doubles in a certain number of years. If so, -when it doubles itself again, what the dickens will the crowd do in -Cheapside at four o'clock in the afternoon; or the people on the roof of -the Cremorne omnibuses homeward-bound; in the pit of the Adelphi; the -Derby-day cheap trains; the Blackwall whitebait houses on fine Sundays; -or the Watermen steamers from Greenwich Fair? - - - THE LION HUNTER'S MUSEUM. - -Mrs. Leo Hunter has passed fifteen years of her fashionable life in the -pursuit of lions. The following is a faithful enumeration of the various -trophies which she carried off at different times in the ardour of the -chase. They have been collected into a museum, which will be shortly -thrown open to the public, on a plan somewhat similar to Mr. Gordon -Cumming's South African Exhibition:— - -1. The autograph of Miss Biffin, written with her toes. - -2. The leg of a fowl which Bernard Kavanagh, the living skeleton, -devoured at supper. Unique. - -3. The rolling-pin of the "Victim of Unmerited Seduction" of the Royal -Victoria Theatre. - -4. The washing-bill of the Bosjemen for the delightful fortnight they -honoured my country villa at Islington with their refreshing presence. - -5. The cheval-glass in which Tom Thumb admired himself the memorable day -he dined with me. - -6. The head-dress of one of the Ojibbeways. - -7. The long-bow which the celebrated African traveller, Gordon -Cumming-it-too-strong, pulled after dinner whilst the muffins were being -handed round. - -8. Ten door-knockers, of the lion's head pattern, sent me by the -spirited young Marquis of Hungerford after the night of my evening -party, one of them being my own, and the other ones belonging to Nos. 1 -to 9 inclusive. Capital. - -9. The clay pipe smoked by the celebrated German poet Kramm, after he -had recited his master-piece, in ten books, of the "Oneness of Germany". - -10. The false calves of Adolphe Pétard, _premier danseur de l'Opéra et -de monde_. - -11. A turnpike-ticket (belonging to the Westminster Road toll) of Mr. N. -T. Hicks, the 79th night he played _Mazeppa_. - - - A LEAF OUT OF LEDRU ROLLIN'S BOOK. - -"In my celebrated book (which, I regret to say, has already proved the -ruin of my French publisher) I have left out many examples of the -'Decline of England,' which I now hasten to supply. - -"With what examples of thy perfidy, O Albion! shall I begin? Indeed, -they are so numerous that I would as soon essay to reckon the grains of -sand in one of thy tubs of sugar, as count them. - -"Hast thou any Coffee? No! it is all Chicory, thou art too poor to drink -coffee as the brave Parisians drink it, and though the doctors say -chicory is good for the health, I hold that it is one of the causes of -thy 'Decline.' - -"Thou art so poor, too, that lately thou hast been obliged to cut off -the skirts of thy officers' jackets, to make trousers, I suppose, for -thy miserable soldiers. - -[Illustration: - - THE SICK BRITISH LION AND THE FRENCH QUACK MONKEY. -] - -[Illustration: - - BRITANNIA PAWNING HER TRIDENT. -] - -[Illustration: - - JOHN BULL ON HIS LAST LEGS. -] - -"The same symptoms of 'Decline' run through all the bodies of England; -legislative, judicial, theatrical, and even royal. Is it not true that -thou art reducing the salaries of all her ministers, and it is a great -question whether Prince Albert himself will not be put on board wages? -Is it not true that the admission at Vauxhall has been reduced to one -shilling, because England's haughty nobility can no longer afford to pay -four? Is it not true that the Queen has been obliged to pull down a -beautiful marble arch in front of her palace in Buckingham, merely to -make Carrara water out of it? Is it not true that England's favourite -authors, Charles Bulwer, Albert Dickens, and Sir Edward Lytton Smith, -have been compelled, by the iron pressure of the times, to publish their -works in penny editions, because the public could no longer afford to -give 1_l._ 11_s._ 6_d._ for them? Is it not also true that the -Omnibuses—those running barometers of the social weather—have brought -down their prices to threepence instead of half-a-crown? Is it not -likewise true that the market for wives has been so overstocked lately -that the City authorities are obliged to enlarge Smithfield; that ices -are selling in the streets for one penny, and pineapples are being -hawked about at two-pence apiece, because they cannot be sold at any -price in the shops; and is it not likewise the truth that Englishmen are -now too poor to give a penny to be shaved, and that several shops in the -New Cut, and the Seven Vials, are writing up in their windows—I have -seen it myself—'A CLEAN SHAVE FOR ONE HALFPENNY'. - -"These are solemn, rueful, ugly truths, which show too plainly where lie -the seeds of England's decline. - -"One more little proof, and I have finished with this distressing -subject, though it has yielded me a certain malicious pleasure in the -investigation of it. I have just been told that there is not a Stilton -cheese in all London but what is thoroughly decayed. The fact is as -clear as a cup of (French) coffee. The people have no money to buy these -cheeses, and they have been kept so long on the shelves of the shops -that they have all gone bad. I point, therefore, with exulting scorn to -a Stilton cheese, and say 'Libellers behold' _la décadence_ of mity -Angleterre. I shall tell my publisher (Mr. John Bull) to give a morsel -of Stilton cheese with every copy he sells of my book. - - "LEDRU ROLLIN." - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - TRAVELLING FOR THE MILLION. - A SONG OF THE PANORAMAS. - BY A CLERK WHO HAS READ MACAULAY. - - Leave to the middle classes - The joys of Camden Town, - Let unambitious asses - To Islington come down. - Let Clapham grow uproarious, - On mild domestic wines, - And Kennington luxurious - On cheap West India pines. - - No ruins kept in neat repair, - No new "antiques" for me; - No arbours where the earwigs fall - Into the strangers' tea! - I love not the "last omnibus"— - Dark vehicle of fate— - That always when 'tis sought at nine, - Has left at half-past eight! - - My home is on the raging seas, - Or some far distant shore, - Though in my office I am pent - Each day from ten till four. - Vast Egypt's parched and burning sands - No strangers are to me; - Though I must be at home at ten, - And have not a latch-key! - - Each night—or mayhap morning— - Should leisure on me smile, - My heart rebounds beholding - The wonders of the Nile; - The Sphynx's solemn majesty, - That Kinglake could appal, - I solve for just a shilling - At the Egyptian Hall. - - Or led by golden longings - (I'm also fond of "change"), - My gaze on California - Delightedly will range, - Beholding Nature's grandest gifts, - With blackguardism blent, - All open to the public at - The same establishment! - - To India's burning shores I go, - Across the ocean grand, - Or patronize the other route— - The famous "overland;" - With Stocqueler's companionship, - Along the sands sublime, - From Regent Street the journey's made - 'Tween lunch and dinner time. - - While slaves at Verray's, "cabin'd cribb'd," - Walk into plates of ice, - I range the entire Polar seas, - And pay but the same price. - Of blubber and harpoons, my friends, - I know, believe, each tale, - For oft I hear some one compare - My stories to a whale. - - Beer from the homely pewter, - To "gents" I leave with scorn, - And quench my roving thirst from out - The famous Golden Horn; - Oh! what are chimney-pots to me - Who minarets have seen? - Ask one who's been in Whitecross Street, - What 'tis to quarantine! - - Yet must I soon my rambles end, - Till spring shall soothe my sight; - The Mississippi moves me not, - I've Paris seen by night;— - But let me pause, too soon I blame - My melancholy fate, - A Hansom to Australia! - I swear I'll emigrate! - -[Illustration: ALARMING SACRIFICE] - - - ALARMING SACRIFICE - -THE modern draper's guide to wealth is a wonderful short cut. -Perseverance, honesty, integrity, and such twaddle have got to be drugs -in the market. To get on the highway of fortune, you must rush headlong -down the Road to Ruin, continue straight on till you come to the -Insolvent Court, and—there you are. Let business grow dull, and capital -object—like a fat turtle—to be turned over and over, and the -haberdashers have still the safe expedient left them of being ruined -before taking in their spring goods. About six "fearful bankruptcies" -will make an enterprising tradesman comfortable for life. There is -nothing like "dreadful failure" for insuring complete success, and -selling off at the most "frightful loss" is the cleverest way of getting -the very handsomest profits. As for a shopkeeper writing up over his -door "established these hundred years," it's sheer madness. He might as -well say at once that he didn't intend selling off at 60 per cent. under -prime cost. His father might have put up such a sign, but the nation has -grown wiser. - -A clever linendraper, who wishes to succeed in business, should look -cautiously at the splendid establishments of his neighbours, and then -try to eclipse them all. If his rival's shop-front reaches to the second -floor, let his touch the third. Double the size of the plate-glass, have -fifty times more brass, and a hundred times more gas, and he will take -all their business away from them as easily as a watch in a crowd. Never -mind the goods, but for heaven's sake look to the French polish! -Remember this—A crust on silver is known to be better than venison on -crockeryware. The "extensive alteration of premises," if well -advertised, will fill the house like the first night of a new theatre; -velvets with cotton backs, silks thin as tracing paper, calicoes half -plaster of Paris, will fetch prices higher than a murderess's ringlets. - -[Illustration] - -As soon as this novelty has died away, an enterprising tradesman should -have a "disastrous fire," by way of a jolly, house-warming. Hang up a -few scorched blankets outside the shop, with a placard stating that -20,000 are for sale, and down will rush the ladies like sparrows to a -pea-sowing. Dresses soiled a little in one corner—so as not to show—by -the water from the engines in the back scullery—will look _dirt_ cheap -at twice their original price. - -[Illustration: - - ALARMING SACRIFICE -] - -But the grand _coup_—the end and aim of a real downright spirited man of -business—is his own ruin. For decency's sake he must defer this until he -has been in business six months at least. With the first-rate poster of -"Frightful Bankruptcy!" up come the ladies, each one with the week's -housekeeping money, to pick up something from the most distressing -wreck. The idea of such a vast concern going to pieces draws down the -beauteous wreckers like an Indiaman on a rock. To keep up the -excitement, issue every Monday morning a notice that the stock "must be -sold in a week," and go on every month increasing the amount of loss -from fifty until it reaches two hundred per cent. under prime cost. If -the tickets to each article are well scratched through and marked anew, -and marked again in red ink, the success is certain. Three ruins, and a -spirited salesman may change his name, take a Clapham villa, and keep -his nag like a gentleman. - -[Illustration] - -It is a cruel thing, but such is the spirit of competition abroad, that -defy it as you will, it is not to be intimidated. Like goose for dinner, -there is no keeping it down. If Smith and Co. challenge Europe in -shirtings, Jones and Co. challenge the world in sheetings. Get a good -idea and all your rivals instantly seize upon it; it's positively -disgusting. - -[Illustration] - -The other day a genius in the silk trade hit upon so excellent a plan, -that it is a positive disgrace to the nation he is not allowed to patent -it. He was in the ruin line (his sixteenth), and wishing to go to the -dogs in style, advertised in all the papers that, previous to the doors -being opened, a grand scramble of bonnets would take place. Thirty -thousand Dunstables would be positively thrown away into the gutter from -the first floor. Of course the attendance was terrific. A band was -engaged, and at night the shop was illuminated, and the word "ruin," in -blood red lamps, appearing over the shop-door. With the first shower of -bonnets the scene was exciting in the extreme, the music playing "Hurrah -for the bonnets so new." - -A most shameful piracy of this touch of mercantile genius has already -taken place. The firm of Smith and Co. have advertised a grand scramble -of left-handed gloves on Monday, and the right-handed ones on Tuesday. -The house of Green and Co. have announced that, previous to their annual -ruin, they intend to give a grand raffle for three hundred silk gowns, -with leg-of-mutton sleeves and trimmings. Doubtless some firms will -shortly imitate the plan of gambling-houses, and hand round wine and -cakes to the customers, and by this manœuvre perhaps a lady might see -double, and take six yards instead of twelve. - -[Illustration] - -Moreover, why allow the ruin principle to rest with the mere -announcement of the fact, why not act a little melodrama or so to make -the destruction more real and palatable. Thus the enterprising tradesman -might take a hint from the plague of London, and when a carriage rolled -by, or a crowd collected at his shop front, he might throw up his -window, wring his hands, and scream, instead of "death! death!"—as of -old—"ruin! ruin! despair!" and then disappear suddenly. Or why not, when -the shop was crowded, let the shop-walker (who might be a leading -tragedian engaged for the express purpose) suddenly rush down the -middle, with his shirt collar open, followed by six despairing clerks, -and holding an empty pistol to his forehead, which, after a desperate -struggle, he might allow them to wrest from him. This would certainly -succeed. Again, what a grand effect would be produced by letting an -advertising cart perambulate the streets, surmounted by a _tableau -vivant_ of the luckless linendraper, having his bed taken from under him -by the sheriffs' officers, his wife and six interesting children weeping -over him, and the whole surmounted by flags of posters announcing that -the effects were selling off at desperate prices. In the evening there -must be a transparency of "Despair seizing the till," and a grand -display of fireworks from the attics on closing the shop at midnight -previous. - -[Illustration] - -After all, perhaps, the linendrapers are not more to blame than lovely -woman. She drives them to the despair they glory in. Let the fond mother -see her Tommy want shirts, and she will, like a prudent body, wait for -the next bankruptcy rather than visit some house where honest prices -prevent clap-trap trickery. But no! there is a moment's vain-glory to be -had, a few words of praise to be earned, when, untying the brown paper -parcel before the wondering husband, she can hold up the bargains that -could "never have been made for the money." - -[Illustration: - - MODERN BALLOONING, - - OR THE NEWEST PHASE OF FOLLY. -] - -Let us hope, however, we shall grow wiser, and that in a few years no -housewife will believe in a draper's failure—that alarming sacrifices -will sink down to the level of the Waterloo bullets; and a mercer's -ruin, like the stucco ones at the Colosseum, be called a very good -imitation that will not bear looking into too closely. - - - TO THE EDITOR OF "THE COMIC ALMANACK." - -Sir,—I reside near a place of popular amusement "al fresco." I am of a -cheerful though quiet disposition, and should be perfectly happy but for -one circumstance. During the entire summer season I am in a continual -state of terror from Balloons. - -It was into my front garden that the Ourang-outang descended in a -parachute, in 1836. I then said nothing of the annoyance caused by the -mob rushing into my lawn and scrambling for fragments of the machine, of -the destruction effected among my crockery by the animal attempting to -escape through my scullery, nor of the alarm which his sudden appearance -in the dining-room excited in the bosoms of myself and family. - -I thought the Balloon mania had reached its highest pitch—no such thing, -sir. After that, came the Nassau Balloon, which used to take a dozen -people up at once exactly over my house, about once a week; till a -terrible dream haunted me of seeing the whole party discharged into my -premises. - -Then, Balloons with Fireworks, waking me up every other night, and -gazing at one of which, out of window, I received a severe blow in the -eye from a firework-case, descending fifteen hundred feet -perpendicularly. - -My next alarm was occasioned by a hamper of champagne, which, during a -"perilous descent," when a valve gave way, some intrepid aeronaut -pitched through my roof at midnight. - -Now, folks go up on horseback. Can I walk at ease in my garden, and know -that the veteran Green is three miles above me, performing equestrian -feats in the air? Pray, sir, exert your influence in my behalf, or we -shall shortly hear of a "Terrific Ascent in a Cab," to be eclipsed by -"First Ascent of the Monster Balloon, taking up the Pimlico Omnibus." - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - OVER-POPULATION: - A MALTHUSIAN LAMENTATION. - - Oh! what a sight for those who cook - Affairs of state in clover, - To see, whichever way they look, - Our country boiling over! - So many heads, and hands, and hearts, - (Unless the blue-book _mis_-count) - Of nature's very finest parts, - At such a dreadful discount! - Though Malthus cries, "Celibacy," - McCulloch, "Emigration," - Folks stay at home and wed, we see, - Then swell the Population! - - The Army numbers here "at home" - Of thousands double twenty; - But many not "at home" are found, - When creditors are plenty; - And more than those—by thousands five— - "On shore" there are of seamen, - But some of them are "all abroad," - And shock tee-total tea-men! - We need a million Malthuses, - 'Tis plain, to save the nation; - And myriads of McCullochs scarce - Can check the Population! - - We've full a million Servants, and - To make their fortune harder, - They've fifteen thousand "P'licemen" brave - To furnish from the larder; - Yet should this number as too great - By statists be rejected, - We've fourteen thousand Lawyers, so - Our purse must be protected! - McCulloch well may advocate - His schemes of "Emigration:" - Fourteen thousand Lawyers sure - _Must_ harm our Population! - - Of Authors we have thirty score, - Besides the present Writer; - And forty thousand Butchers, to - Employ when things look brighter; - We've fifteen hundred Actors, who - Our patience try most sadly; - Besides the nation's Ministers, - And they _act_ just as badly! - In such a case, Malthusian plans - Must meet with approbation: - Of Actors we have certainly - An over-Population. - -[Illustration: - - OVER POPULATION -] - - Four thousand Artists, most of whom, - When seen in fullest feather, - Wear beards, or whiskers, or moustache, - Or else all three together; - But let the bearded youths beware, - Nor, too self-trusting, slumber— - Their native foes, the Barbers, like - Themselves, four thousand number! - Unless in wearing beards we soon - Observe an alteration, - The Barbers they must clearly be - An over-Population! - - Distillers—we have hundreds seven, - To make our men unsteady, - And full three thousand Auctioneers - To knock them down all ready; - We've ninety thousand Blacksmiths, and, - Of one the work's a wonder— - He forges chains at Gretna Green - Which none can break asunder! - The last, indeed, may well excite - Malthusian consternation— - This Blacksmith's work by no means checks - The over-Population. - - We've houses where for half-a-crown - One gets a shilling dinner; - We've sixty thousand Publicans, - And not a single Sinner! - At least we can't believe there is, - Until we see some _new_ book, - For certainly there's no return - Contained within the blue book. - But tho' the book of Sinners makes - As yet no revelation, - 'Tis said by some, of these there is - An over-Population! - - But while these Publicans abound, - (Young gentleman, take warning!) - But twelve men Soda-water make - To sober you next morning! - And as for Sinners—bills are "done" - In public by twice twenty— - The number's small—but if correct, - E'en then we've more than plenty! - So Malthus and Macculloch both, - Pray rise and save the nation! - Of bill discounters sure we have - An over-Population! - - Of Tailors we in thousands count - Six score and something over— - Of these some drive a roaring trade, - And live, 'tis said, in clover; - But some, I fear, are victimized, - And paid upon a plan, sir, - As if nine tailors really were - But equal to a man, sir! - 'Tis hoped, indeed, their present state - Is but one of probation, - For, surely, of the under paid— - There's over-Population! - - But naming every class that throng - Our country and our cities, - Would occupy, I fear, too long, - And need a dozen ditties. - So many Bootmakers—and yet - So many people bootless! - So many Clergymen—and yet - So many sermons fruitless! - I fear, indeed, howe'er we laud - The grandeur of the nation, - Of poverty and crime we have - An over-Population! - - The "Independent" are returned, - But nothing said of toadies— - And there appears an item which - A very heavy load is; - We've twenty thousand (rather more) - Of Doctors, all in action— - And surely we should view this as - A common benefaction; - For more than eighteen millions now - Survive within the nation, - And without doctors think how great - Would be the Population. - - - OUR PET THIEF. - -In making some inquiries relative to the state of the criminal -population, my husband found it necessary to visit a low lodging-house, -the abode of thieves and pickpockets. He there became acquainted with -"Dan," and (from his returning some money that was given him to change) -took such a fancy to him, that he determined to try whether the lad, who -had resisted the temptation (for he could have gone off with the money -with great ease), could not—if taken from his wretched and demoralizing -associates—be induced to withstand all other temptations. - -The boy (for he was but fourteen years of age), on being questioned, -expressed a wish to change his mode of living, and he was brought home -to me. When my husband told me what motives he had in taking charge of -the lad, I must confess that in the impulse of the moment I thought it a -worthy thing to do; for in my innocence I imagined that all thieves -merely wanted some one to take them by the hand to put them in the way -of getting an honest living. - -In the evening we talked over a variety of plans for the boy's -reformation. He was to be sent to school and well educated. There were -many good men to be found, we were convinced, that would feel proud to -take charge of him; and when he left school we were to put him to some -trade or other. I really believe, in our own minds, we imagined that we -should live to see him a great man! Who knew but that he might one day -be Lord Mayor of London; stranger things than that, we both agreed, had -occurred to poor boys. That he would ever return to his evil practices -appeared to us impossible, if we would but look upon him as the good -member of society that we wished him to become. - -Little, alas! did we then know of the annoyance and trouble our "Pet -Thief" would cause us! - -The appearance of the poor shoeless creature was anything but -prepossessing. His cheek-bones were high; his hair was cut close on the -top, with a fringe of locks, as it were, left hanging in front; and he -wore an old plaid shooting-jacket, that was black and shining with -grease, and fastened together with pieces of string. - -The first thing to be done was to make him take a bath. He had a great -horror of washing, and seemed to look upon it as quite a barbarism. Some -clothes were got together by subscription among the members of the -family—one contributing a coat, another a pair of boots, and so on; but -he looked, I think, worse in our things than he did in his own. The coat -reached his heels, and was so large (my husband being corpulent) that -the boy had difficulty in keeping in it. - -We arranged that he should sleep out of the house, so we hired a bedroom -for him at a coffee-shop in the neighbourhood. I thought I could find -him work in the house by day, and so keep him employed under our own -eyes, and prevent his returning to his old practices and companions -until we could get him into some school. He was so eager to begin -learning, however, that I offered to teach him myself while we were -seeking a proper master for him. - -For a day or two he was quite a "pattern boy;" but he soon got tired of -his lessons with me, and was anxious to be placed at school. Anything -for change: his disposition and previous mode of life forbade his -remaining in one place, or at the same occupation, for any length of -time. - -The third morning after his coming to us, while we were at breakfast, -"Dan" entered the room, and requested, in a most mysterious manner, to -speak with my husband. He was told that he was quite at liberty to -communicate what he had to say before the family; but he pointed to me, -and replied, "I don't want to speak afore _her_," so I quitted the -apartment. As soon as I had gone, the boy told my husband that he _must_ -get him to buy him a small-tooth comb; his head was in such a dreadful -state, he said, that he thought he had better have one directly. When my -husband informed me of the object of the mysterious visit, I felt cold -all over; for I remembered how close I had sat to him during his lessons -the previous day. Then I thought of the children, and began to repent of -ever having admitted such a person into the house. - -But this was only the beginning of my annoyances with the boy. My -husband thought it would be a good "moral lesson" for our children to -let them know that "Dan" had been a thief, and that he had been in -prison a great many times; but that he had resolved to become a good -boy, and that was our reason for having him with us. This, however, -instead of having the effect intended, made the children look upon "Dan" -as an object of great interest, so much so, indeed, that they were -always wanting, whenever they saw him, to ask him something about the -prison, "whether the policeman had really taken him away, and whether it -was true he had only bread and water in gaol?" - -One morning, on going downstairs, I discovered (to my great horror) our -little boy, with his mouth wide open, seated on "Dan's" knee, listening -most attentively to some story. Upon questioning the child I found that -our "pet pickpocket" had been telling the little fellow of the fun it -was to go "sawney hunting," which I afterwards learnt was stealing -pieces of bacon from shop doors. - -The Sunday evening after this the cook, who was naturally timid, had -been left at home with Dan alone, it being the other maid's "Sunday -out." They were both sitting very comfortably talking by the fire-light -(for it was winter time) when Master Dan thought fit to tell the girl -all about his previous life. He gave her some very vivid illustrations -of housebreakings and informed her that Sunday night, when the family -had gone to church, was their best time. He also told her of the many -times that he had been in Newgate, and that once he had been taken up on -"suspicion" of highway robbery; it was an old woman he helped to rob, -and he told of the "lark" they had with her, and of how they had left -her with her hands and feet tied together in a ditch. - -All these stories so terrified the poor girl that she felt convinced -that the boy meant to take advantage of the tranquillity of that Sunday -evening, "their best time," to serve her as he had done the "old woman;" -so she rushed to the street door in her fright, and there we found her -on our return home, crying and in a dreadful state of excitement. She -vowed that she would quit the house the very next morning, and she -wondered how we could leave her with a "common pickpocket." I tried to -quiet her (for she was a very good girl, and I did not wish to part with -her), by telling her that we wished to reform the lad; but nothing would -pacify her save his leaving the house; so I told my husband that he must -really find a school for the boy, or we should be left without servants. - -He accordingly went in search of a school. It was wonderful to see how -anxious the masters were to have the youth, until my husband informed -them (for it was considered but right to do so), that the boy he wished -to introduce to them as a pupil had lately been an inmate of Newgate. On -hearing this they invariably assured him that there was a school "just -up the street" that was the very thing he wanted. Upon visiting the -establishment "just up the street," however, he found the master was -astonished that the "head" of such a school as the previous one should -refer my husband to him, for he was sure that Mr. ——'s school was the -very place for such boys—nevertheless, as Mr. —— had refused to take the -lad, there was an academy a short distance from that establishment that, -he was sure, would not shut their doors against him. But upon going -there it was the old story over again, and we soon discovered that it -was impossible to find any respectable establishment willing to take -charge of our young thief. - -We were at last obliged to give up all idea of getting him into any -school, so we thought the best thing to be done was to try and find him -a situation. In the meantime he got tired of the work he was directed to -do, and would sit all day long looking at the fire without taking the -least notice of any one; and if told that he should occupy himself in -some way or other, he would turn sullen, and mutter something between -his teeth about his being promised to be put to school, and why wasn't -he sent to school when that was all he wanted? - -I found that my meat began to disappear in a most mysterious manner. One -day the half of a goose went no one knew where. I suspected "Dan;" my -husband was indignant (for he wished to think the boy had forgotten his -bad habits), and said, "It was easy for the servants to make out that -Dan had purloined it." This annoyed me so much that I did not hesitate -to tell my husband that I saw clearly we should have no peace in the -house until the boy was provided with a situation out of it. - -At last the long-looked-for situation was found. It was at a large -wholesale stationer's. The proprietor was made acquainted with the boy's -whole history, and he promised to do all he could to effect his -reformation. But upon Dan's going to him, the gentleman was so taken -aback by the boy's expression, that he sent a polite note stating—"That -he should really be afraid, from his looks, to have such a character in -his establishment." - - * * * * * - -In a few days afterwards he was on his way to America. - -The last we heard of him was that he and several "reformed criminals" -from the London ragged schools were "working" (as the thieves call it) -the city of New York. In conclusion, it is but right I should add that, -although the boy while with us was frequently trusted with money to -change, he never defrauded us of a sixpence. - - * * * * * - -N.B. The above has been written as a hint to certain philanthropic -gentlemen, that the bosom of a quiet family is not exactly the place in -which to foster and reclaim a London pickpocket. - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1852. - - - THE "WHAT IS IT?" - - (_From the Ouran-outan Town Journal and Monkey World Gazette._) - -A very curious creature, unknown hitherto to the philosophy of -Monkeydom, has been lately brought to this city, and is now to be -seen at the Zoological Gardens. The stranger has been examined by -the most learned citizens of Ouran-outan Town, and particularly by -the President and Scientific Committee of the Society for the -Promulgation of Unintelligible Knowledge; but opinion is divided as -to his probable genus, race, and species. It is confidently stated, -however, that he shows symptoms of belonging to a debased and -degenerated breed of some savage Ouran-outan race, who, cut off from -civilization and refinement, offer now a humiliating example of what -a monkey may come to. The conjecture is supported by a sort of -unintelligible jargon uttered by the animal. He frequently repeats -sounds which may be spelt thus—"johnsmithstrandlondon;" and -"dammeifthesemonkeychapsdontthinkthey'remen;" but upon no possible -rules of philological philosophy can the meaning (if, indeed, it -have any) of this gabble be ascertained. The animal, when captured -by a hunting party from Ape Valley, was covered in a most ludicrous -and absurd manner, by pieces of cloth cut into barbarous shapes, and -presenting a sad instance of the utter negation of all rules of -taste and propriety. He is believed not to have any natural tail, -and so conscious is he of the want that he seems to have fashioned -two cloth artificial ones, in which, by a strange and savage -ingenuity, are placed (or misplaced) pouches, or holes—to be used, -it is conjectured, for hiding his young ones. The animal, when -taken, made no resistance, but seemed considerably surprised, and -repeatedly uttered a sound like "monkeyshaveme," or "monkeysgotme," -opinions are divided as to which; afterwards he looked steadily at -his captors and distinctly pronounced "sichalotoguys," the apparent -spelling of which was taken down on the spot. - -Since its arrival at the Zoological Gardens the animal has manifested -signs of decided intelligence. Meat having been set before him, instead -of eating it like a civilized Ouran-outan with his paws, he produced, -from some of his pouches, two strange instruments, one of a cutting -nature, the other furnished with prongs, by means of which he divided -the morsels and raised them to his mouth. After feeding he now walks -round the company upon his hind legs, in the manner of a rational being; -and were it not for his absurd clothes, his habits of rubbing or -brushing his hair, washing his face, never biting nor kicking, and -especially were it not for a sort of chimney-pot which he wears upon his -head, many Ouran-outans would really be inclined to think of him as -approaching, in some degree, to the verge of a dim and cloudy -rationality. At all events the creature is a matter of enlightened -curiosity, and we understand is likely to form one of the main -attractions at the approaching Exhibition of the Want of Industry of -Monkeys of all Nations. - -[Illustration: - - Monster discovered by the Ourang Outangs. -] - - - HOW I WENT UP THE JUNG-FRAU, AND CAME - DOWN AGAIN. - - (BY PETER TWITTERS, PHILOSOPHER, CAMDEN TOWN.) - - [_From his own private Diary, which he kept for publication in the_ - Times, - _only they didn't put it in._] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -_July 25th._—Determined to ascend the Jung-Frau mountain, which is -totally inaccessible and impossible to climb. Difficulties only add fuel -to the fire of a Briton's determination. Was asked what I should do when -I got to the top. Replied, come down again. That's what everybody does -who goes up high hills. Engaged guides, porters, &c. Provided ourselves -with necessaries, such as ladders, umbrellas, skates for the glaciers, -ropes, brandy, camp stools, &c., and started. Quite a sensation in the -village. Landlord of hotel with tears in his eyes asked me to pay my -bill before I went. Didn't. Began the ascent; ground became steepish, as -may be seen by the illustration. Hard work. Suppose such a gradient -would puzzle Mr. Stephenson. Talking of Stephenson, the whole party, -puffing and blowing like so many locomotives. Pulled out our camp-stools -and tried to sit down on them. Ground so steep that we all lost our -balance, and tumbled down to the bottom of the slope. Never mind. -Gathered ourselves up, and at it again. Recovered our former position, -and getting higher, found the slope still more excessive. In fact, it -was a wonder to me how we managed it at all. Approached the glacier -region, and found it rather softish. Unpleasant consequence of which is -that the whole of our party sink up to the neck in half-melted sludge. - -[Illustration] - -Scrambling out again with much ado, we feel chilly, and refresh with -brandy. Being apprehensive of the ava-lanches, we keep a sharp look-out -and dodge them. At one time six huge masses of moving snow fell -together, but we watch our chance and slip between them with the -greatest dexterity. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -Next danger a really dreadful one. Arrive at a fearful precipice, the -edge very much overhanging the base, so that it formed a species of -cave. Called a council of war. Council of war were for going home again. -Rebuked them, and pointing to rough edges of rock, proposed to try to -crawl to summit. Set to work accordingly. Dangerous business, but -succeeded. On the top of this tremendous cliff, discovered a vast chasm -or crevice, which appeared to bar all further progress. Guides in -despair. Much too wide to jump. Looked down. Crevice did not appear to -have any bottom in particular. Called another council of war, and at the -same moment a violent squall of wind and snow sweeping by, put up my -umbrella, when, horrible to relate, the storm caught it, and lifted me -into the air; the principal guide, who caught my leg, being carried up -also, and in a moment we were hurried, in the very thick of the squall, -and deafened by its howling, across the abyss, and landed on the further -bank. The guides on the other side now flung across the rope, which we -caught, and fastened to a rock, and one of their number, unfortunately -the heaviest, proceeded to come across. The remaining two, however, not -having strength to support his weight, he fairly pulled them into the -crevice, so that we were obliged to drag up the whole three. Found that -we were now not far from the summit. Saw it before us rising in a sharp -peak against the blue sky. More of the steep slope work. Guides at last -become so dreadfully exhausted, that I have to drag up the whole four. -Terribly hard work. Nothing but my splendid muscular development would -have enabled me to go through with it. Ice decidedly too rough for -skating over, as may be seen by the following diagram. - -[Illustration] - -Close to the summit, when another dreadful crevice with a high rock on -the opposite side threatens to stop our progress. Surmounted the -difficulty by a daring gymnastic feat, performed as follows:—Standing on -each other's shoulders, the lowest man let his body incline over the -cliff, so that I, as highest, reached the edge of the opposite side, and -made fast the rope to a projection in the rock. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -Thus we happily got over, and in half an hour reached the extreme peak -of the Jung-Frau, where we clustered together, and gave three British -cheers, while half a dozen eagles flew round and round us. - -Had no time to make scientific experiments; but ascertained that the -strength of alcohol is not diminished in any sensible degree by the -extreme rarefaction of the air at great heights. I subjoin a telescopic -view of mountain scenery, as it appeared through my double-barrelled -lorgnette. N.B. I squint. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -Having got up, prepared to go down again, an operation which was -performed in a much quicker style than the other. Started down a -slippery slope, and missing our footing, and not being able to stop -ourselves, proceeded in this manner, down at least 2000 feet, before we -were brought up by a ridge of rocks, composed of uncommonly hard -granite, against which we rebounded like footballs. Up, however, and at -it again. Came to another difficulty; found ourselves in a dreadful -gully or ravine, with no sort of exit but a narrow cleft, down which -poured a tremendous cataract, into an awful black and foaming pool 500 -feet below. There was nothing for it but to fling ourselves into the -torrent, allow ourselves to go over the waterfall, and take our chance -in the cauldron—which we did, in the manner shown in cut. The exploit -was quite dreadful, from the roar of the water, and the speed with which -we were hurled through the air, and soused at least 100 fathoms (for I -counted them) into the pool below, where, after we had reached the -surface, we were whirled about for at least an hour and a quarter before -we managed to emerge. Found the experience I had picked up in the -Holborn swimming baths of little avail in descending this cataract, but -was only too happy to escape at any price. The rest of the journey was -comparatively easy, owing to a very happy thought of mine. Happening to -see a roundish-shaped avalanche roll past, remembered the globe tricks -in the circus, where Signor Sadustini kept his balance on a big wooden -ball going down an inclined plane. Communicated the notion to guides, -waited for the next avalanche, jumped on it as it passed, and went down -like winking, always keeping our places upon the top of the ball, which -gradually increased to such a size, that it carried off several châlets -beneath us. But that, of course, we had nothing to do with; keeping our -places as well as Sadustini himself, until the huge snowball came to a -full stop in the midst of a pine forest, where we clambered out of the -snow, and after several hours' hard walking, reached the village, where -we were greeted by a deputation of the authorities, headed by the -hotel-keeper holding my bill in his hand, who delivered an address of -congratulation, and inquired when it would be convenient for me to -settle. Postponing, however, considerations of business to those of -festivity, a romantic rural _fête_ was got up in honour of our return. -The happy peasantry poured in from all sides, singing, "Come arouse us, -arouse us, we merry Swiss boys." The notary had a table in the corner, -which is always usual. The _Seigneur du Village_ and his lady sat on a -rustic throne. All the peasants had jerkins and breeches, and bright -stockings, with lots of ribands, and all the peasantesses had short -muslin petticoats and pink satin shoes. Choosing then, as a partner, the -loveliest and the most virtuous—I was particular about the last—I opened -the ball. - - - BLOOMERISM IN FULL BLOW. - -The ladies are about to turn over a new leaf, a leaf in the matter of -costume, unprecedented since the days of the fig leaf. Petticoats are to -join hoops and farthingales; and long skirts, having long swept all -before them, are now, in their turn, to be swept into the limbo of all -the vanities. - -Of course, now, breeches, trowsers, and all their synonymes, will no -longer be forbidden words. The tribes of the "unmentionables" and the -"unwhisperables" have had their day. We observe, however, that certain -pretty modifications of the original terms are recommended, and we are -told to choose between "Pantilettes and Pettiloons". But why not call -the objects in question "trowser-ettos", or, if an Americanized phrase -be thought appropriate, "limb envelopers" or "understanding swathers," -might be advantageously adopted. - -It is, of course, to be anticipated that the reformed costume will -spread upwards, as well as downwards, in society; giving us an -opportunity of reading, on the morrow of the first ensuing drawing-room -day, that "Her ladyship wore a splendid pair of loud satin pants, of -deep purple, with a double broad yellow stripe running down the leg, and -new patent elastic straps, tastefully embroidered with gold." At the -same time, as it is inherent in the nature of things, that pantaloons -have to be kept up at the waist as well as down at the ankle, we shall -expect to see advertised "The ne plus ultra ladies' braces," and the -"Better than new plus ultra feminine suspenders." - -One dreadful question remains unsolved: it looms upon us as we approach -it, and the nerveless pen splutters in the nib. However, we will make -the effort, and state the problem: Given—a horse, and a lady about to -ride it. The lady is in Bloomer costume—the horse fully caparisoned for -a lady in Bloomer costume. Query: Will the horse have two stirrups; one -on the near side, the other on the off? - -What the parks and public gardens will be we have confidently and -fearlessly set forth. The mothers, daughters, grand-aunts, -second-cousins, and great-grand-nieces of England, may be expected, one -and all, to abjure the ancient faith of furbelows and flounces. _Cedunt -arma togæ_, says our old Latin grammar, which literally translated, -means, "Arms yield to the gown;" but now the gown has had its day, and -in its turn, yields—not to arms, however, but to legs. Long was the -reign of the proverbialized petticoat; but, like the speech of a prosy -orator, it has been interrupted by the imperative cry of "cut it short." - -Still we will not complain, even though Bloomerism may take a step still -further, may aspire to Hessians with tassels, may dare to sport tops. -For, as was sagely remarked by the American editor "Why, if female -society be pronounced a humanizing agency, should we not endeavour to -see as much of the ladies as possible?" - -[Illustration: - - _The "Bloomers" in Hyde Park, or an Extraordinary Exhibition for 1852_ -] - -[Illustration: - - _The Peace Society—or a New "Field of Action" for the Military ... in - "The good time coming." (?)_ -] - - - THE BATTLE OF THE HARVEST FIELD. - -A brilliant victory has just been achieved by the troops of General -Concord, Commander-in-Sheaf over a formidable field—not, however, of -artillery, but of wheat. The enemy—_i.e._, the wheat, was very thickly -planted on the ground, there being hardly room, indeed, amongst the -heads for the insertion of another ear; and upon the approach of General -Concord and his forces, immediate measures were taken for the attack. -The Commander-in-Sheaf drew up his army in three lines: the first -consisting of several brigades of the gallant Sickle-eers, supported by -flanking parties of the Reaping-hook Light Bobs, and a strong detachment -of regular and irregular Rakers. Behind, and designed to support this -division, were the two celebrated brigades of Light and Heavy Binders. -In the rear were disposed a powerful body of the Royal Horse Harvest -Wagoneers. Scattered bodies of Foot Gleaners were dispersed here and -there, and the refreshment of the forces was amply provided for by a -perfect battalion of suttlers and vivandières, who, with the most cool -and heroic courage, penetrated into those parts of the field where the -enemy was falling fastest, with eatables and drinkables for the forces. -So certain, also, was the Commander-in-Sheaf of victory, that he caused -hospital accommodation, in the shape of barns and granaries, to be -erected for the cut-down masses of the enemy, who were conveyed thither -by the gallant Wagoneers. - -The battle commenced at sunrise, by a combined attack from the -Sickle-eers and Reaping-hook Light Bobs. The effect was tremendous. The -enemy could not stand a moment before the sweep of our forces, who -penetrated slowly but surely into their dense ranks, mowing them down by -thousands. All this time the Light and Heavy Binders supported their -comrades with the greatest efficiency and effect; and the Rakers, -regular and irregular, performed prodigies of valour. Indeed, the -coolness of the troops, in one sense was as remarkable as their heat in -another. Every movement was performed with unflinching steadiness, and -not a man fell (by tripping over a rake) but his comrade stepped into -his place (until he got up again). The Binders also distinguished -themselves by their discipline; and the order, "Form Sheafs! Prepare to -receive Harvest Carts!" was regularly obeyed with splendid promptitude. -The fate of the day became speedily evident. The Corn made no resistance -worth mentioning, but it certainly stood up with great pluck to be cut -down; and by the direction of the Commander-in-Sheaf, was carried to the -receptacles provided for the disposal of a brave enemy, with all the -honours of the harvest field. - -By sundown the victory was complete. Not an individual of the enemy held -his head erect. On our side there was a terrible effusion of -perspiration, and a great quantity of provisions and drink were reported -missing; but on the whole the Battle of the Harvest Field may be -considered as one of the most advantageous victories ever won. - - - THE BATTLE OF THE YATCHES. - -A truly affecting copy of verses, made by a British Tar in Spit-head -last August, and corked up in a bottle, floated to the end of the Herne -Bay Pier last week. The bottle was speedily uncorked, in a vague -expectation of Cognac; but the finders, discovering that the only spirit -which it contained was the spirit of the verses, magnanimously -surrendered the whole to the board of Admiralty, as justly and legally -appertaining to that body. The Board, having sat upon the bottle (and -broken it), rose as soon as possible after instructing the First Lord to -transmit to us the poetry, with a polite note, stating how they had come -by it, and lamenting that the poet should have so obstinately adhered to -his peculiar mode of spelling the word "Yacht." - - THE BATTLE OF THE YATCHES. - - Oh, weep ye British Sailors true, - Above or under hatches, - Here's Yankee Doodle's been and come, - And beat our crackest yatches! - They started all to run a race, - And wor well timed with watches; - But oh! they never had no chance, - Had any of our yatches. - - The Yankee she delayed at first, - Says they, "She'll never catch us," - And flung up their tarpaulin hats— - The owners of the yatches! - But presently she walked along; - "O dear," says they, "she'll match us!" - And stuck on their tarpaulin hats, - The owners of the yatches! - - Then deep we ploughs along the sea - The Yankee scarcely scratches, - And cracks on every stitch of sail - Upon our staggering yatches. - But one by one she passes us - While bitterly we watches, - And utters imprecations on - The builders of our yatches. - - And now she's quite hull down a-head, - Her sails like little patches. - For sand barges and colliers we - May sell our boasted yatches. - We faintly hears the Club-house gun— - The silver cup she snatches— - And all the English Clubs are done, - The English Clubs of yatches! - - They say she didn't go by wind, - But wheels, and springs, and ratches; - And that's the way she weathered on - Our quickest going yatches. - But them's all lies, I'm bound to say— - Although they're told by batches— - 'Twas build of hull, and cut of sail, - That did for all our yatches. - - But novelty, I hear them say, - Some novelty still hatches! - The Yankee yatch the keels will lay - Of many new Club yatches. - And then we'll challenge Yankee land, - From Boston Bay to Natchez, - To run their crackest craft agin - Our spick and span new yatches. - - - MODES OF ADDRESSING PERSONS OF - VARIOUS RANKS. - (BY OUR FAST PROFESSOR.) - -_A Duke, or other Titled Person._ "Now, old Strawberry-Leaves;" or, as -the case may be. An _Earl_ carries Five Balls, and a _Baronet_ a Bloody -Hand, which naturally points out the mode of addressing the bearers. A -_Bishop_ is gratified by being addressed as "Old Shirt-Sleeves." If the -ecclesiastic wears spectacles, it is _de rigueur_ to add, facetiously, -that you observe his is not a "See Sharp." An _Archdeacon_ you will, of -course, call "Archy;" and a _Rural Dean_ you will address as "My -Rustic." The _Clergy_, as a body, you will speak of as the "White -Chokers." The _Lay Aristocracy_ are simply styled "The Nobs." Attention -to this rule is requested. An irreverent young reporter (from Ireland) -having recently incautiously asked an official of the House of Lords -"who that Buffer was?" (indicating a nobleman who was speaking,) was -solemnly answered: "Sir, we have no Buffers here; they are all Peers of -the Realm." - -_A Police Magistrate._ Before you are fined—"My Lord;" "Your Worship;" -"Your Reverence;" "Your Excellency;" "Your Majesty;" or whatever title -of honour comes readiest to your tongue. After Justice has done her -worst, you will merely allude to your enemy as the "Beak." - -_Your Father._ Speaking _to_ him, say, "Guvnor," or "Old -Strike-a-Light;" of him, "The Old 'Un." - -_A Tradesman._ Your address in this case will depend upon the state of -accounts between yourself and the party spoken to; but an easy -familiarity should generally be preserved; and it is a good rule, if you -wish to please a tradesman, to call him by a name, or make some -allusion, derived from the trickery of his particular trade. A _Grocer_ -you will call "Young Chicory;" or, if a female, "Mrs. Beans." A _Sausage -Vendor's_ shop you will enter playfully imitating the cry of the -itinerant merchant who supplies daily food to the canine and feline -menial. And a _Woollen Draper_ you should salute with, "Well, Devil's -Dust." - -_The Waitress at a Restaurateur's, or elsewhere._ "Mary, my love, my -only angel, come here;" "Sarah, my darling, what's good for my -complaint?" "Jane's very sweet upon me, ain't you, Jane?" - -_A Box-keeper._ "Here, Pew-opener." - -_A Pew-opener._ "Here, Box-keeper." - -_All sorts and conditions of Men._ In any manner in which a gentleman -would not address them. - - - THE TRUE HISTORY OF THE KOH-I-NOOR. - - _Now for the first time made public, in spite of the most lavish offers - to the Author from Her Majesty's Government._ - -The Koh-i-noor is made of the very best crown glass, and the workmanship -is very superior. It was originally a chandelier ornament in a dancing -school kept by a Mr. Fogrum at Ponder's End, about the middle of last -century. Mr. Fogrum, however, growing serious, turned his dancing-school -into a Newlight chapel, and preached a charity sermon in behalf of -himself. That night two rascals determined to rob the chapel of the -collection, and accordingly opened the door with a one-pronged fork, and -got in. Finding, however, that the collection consisted only of a penny -token, a card counter, a penny farthing, and a bad half-crown, one of -them, under the impulse of vexation, jerked the half-crown into the air, -when it struck down the Koh-i-Noor from the chandelier—the would-be -thief putting the bit of glass into his pocket as a memento of the -transaction. - -The next day William Priggins, for so was he named, enlisted in the -H.E.I.C.'s service, and presently joined his regiment, the 007th, at -Juggerbadab. Not liking the service, however, he deserted, blacked -himself all over, gave up wearing clothes, and set up as a Thug. After -doing a good stroke of business in this new line, he was ultimately -apprehended by the officers of the Rajah Jibbety-Jibbety, and, to save -his life, offered to give up the Koh-i-Noor, which he told the Rajah he -had stolen out of a pawnbroker's shop in Whitechapel. The Rajah was at -the time in pecuniary difficulties—so much so, as to have serious -notions of coming to London and taking a crossing, or singing -Hindostanee lyrics, with a tum-tum and his heir-apparent, in the -streets. Being a statesman of great acuteness and foresight, however, he -saw that something handsome might be made of the Koh-i-Noor, and, in the -first place, christened it by that name, it having been formerly called -"Bit-o'-Glass". In the Rajah's capital, the city of Huggerymug, resided -a jeweller of enormous wealth, called Tiffin Gong. This man the Rajah -caused to be summoned before him. - -"What is the value of this inestimable diamond?" he demanded, showing -him the Koh-i-Noor. - -Tiffin Gong made his salaam, and after looking at it, replied, "May the -Rajah live for ever, and until the middle of the week after. The value -is eighteen pice," which amounts to three farthings English money. - -"Tiffin," said the Rajah, "just look again; and then look at this -bowstring. Is not the value of that diamond just twenty millions of lacs -of rupees?" And he put his hand to his throat, and made a cheerful -choking noise with his tongue. - -[Illustration] - -"On second thoughts," said the jeweller, "the value of the diamond is -exactly twenty millions of lacs of rupees". - -The Rajah ordered in his Durbar or council, who were smoking their -pipes, sitting on the door-mats in the lobby, and then before them -repeated his question; to which the jeweller, with one eye on the -bowstring, returned his second answer. - -"You see," said the Rajah, "Tiffin Gong is an excellent judge of jewels. -He declares this wonderful gem worth twenty million of lacs; he shall -have it for nineteen and a half, which is just as though I had given him -a half lac as a present." - -Of course the Durbar were in raptures at this liberality, and sung the -national anthem, "Bramah save the Rajah!" with the greatest enthusiasm. -As for Poor Tiffin Gong, he saw that he was but a departed coon, and -turned very nearly white with rage and terror. He had not got exactly -nineteen millions and a half of lacs, but he handed over nineteen and a -quarter. Upon which the Rajah, holding this to be a breach of -engagement, retained the Koh-i-Noor and the rupees too; and when Tiffin -Gong complained of being kept hanging about the court trying to get his -own, the Rajah said he might try another sort of dangling, and so hanged -him literally, and in thorough good earnest. - -Being thus undoubted possessor of the jewel, the Rajah ordered the -Chroniclers and Keepers of the Records to invent all sorts of stories -about the Koh-i-Noor, and to stick them as notes into the next edition -of the History of Jiggerydam, his kingdom, all of which was done to -admiration, and everybody who did not believe the notes, was beheaded, -except a few, who were hanged. The after story of this wonderful jewel -may be soon told. The Rajah wore it in his nose, but was speedily made -war upon by another Rajah, who was determined to have a grab at the -priceless stone. The Rajahs met in single combat, and were found after -the battle with only a hand of each remaining, a whisker which could not -be identified, and the Koh-i-Noor between them. It then fell into the -possession of the Emperor Mahommed Bung, from whom it was taken after -fifteen years' war by the celebrated Mahratta chief, Tater Khan. Bung, -in fact, had, as a last resource, swallowed the stone, which choked him; -but Tater Khan had it out in no time, as he said himself, "by the help -of Allah and an oyster knife." The Khan's descendants, who were -continually conspiring against each other, and putting arsenic in each -other's curry with intent to get possession of the bone, or rather -stone, of contention, at length fell into arrears of tribute to their -proud landlords, the H.E.I.C., who at last, backed by the Government, -put in a distress, seized the Koh-i-Noor, and sent it home; when Mr. -Bramah, who is no relation to the idol of that name, made a cage for it, -and all the world had lately an opportunity of seeing it. We regret that -all the rubs which the Koh-i-Noor has received have failed to heighten -its brilliancy, and it is the opinion of those best acquainted with the -facts, that the gem is not brighter now than when Mr. Fogrum hung up his -chandelier in his dancing-school at Ponder's End. - -[Illustration: - - THE KOH-I-NOOR AS IT APPEARED IN THE CRYSTAL PALACE. -] - -[Illustration: - - _Advice "To those about to marry"——buy—cheap Furniture_— -] - - - MRS. BEAKEY'S TABLE (AND CHAIR) TALK. - -Well, my love, Charles thought that as I had vowed I would never marry -into furnished lodgings, we had better wait until he had saved money -enough to furnish a house comfortably. I was sillier then than I am now, -and I thought his wanting to postpone our marriage didn't look much like -love, so I sulked. He was sillier then than he is now, and minded a -woman's sulks. He furnished a house completely from top to bottom, from -an advertising warehouse, and the whole bill came to 29_l._ 11_s._ -3½_d._ We married and took possession. Here is my diary of the week, -love; I preserve it for any of my young friends who are in a hurry to -marry. - -_Monday._—Charles, while shaving, rested his left hand heavily on the -dressing-table. It smashed under his hand, he cut himself severely, and -it was a mercy he didn't have his dear nose off. I flew to the drawers -for something to stop the bleeding, and the keys broke or the locks -wouldn't work, and we had to open the drawers with the shovel. The hay, -with which the easy chair was stuffed, smelt so disagreeably, that we -were obliged to send it out of the room, and, as Anne was carrying it, -the chair came in halves, the back and arms falling away from the seat. - -_Tuesday._—The frame of the looking-glass gave way, the glass fell out, -and smashed the beautiful little French clock dear uncle Brooks gave us. - -_Wednesday._—I had a headache, so Charles wheeled the sofa near the fire -for me. Doing so, two of the legs came off. He propped it up with books, -but by-and-bye I heard a sort of frizzling; it was the glue, which the -fire was frying. Hastily removing the sofa, we divided it between us; -Charles fell down with the end, and I got the back on my poor toes. - -_Thursday._—The dining-room table suddenly parted in the middle. The -lamp fell on Charles's head (making him swear sadly), and I received a -lovely goose, and all the gravy, in the lap of my new satin dress. That -night the screws of the bed slipped in the rotten wood, and one side -gave way. We came to the floor: I was sadly bruised, and Charles hurt -his head, and used very strong language against the advertising -wretches. - -_Friday._—One of the brackets of the curtain-rod broke, the curtains, -rings and all, came on mamma's head, crushing her new bonnet. Getting on -a footstool to dust a picture the stool broke, and I fell against the -picture, breaking the glass, and cutting my forehead. The pole of a -music desk came out of the stand, the candles fell and greased the -carpet (which was actually beginning to lose its colour already), and -the book smashed Charles's violoncello. N.B. Not so sorry about this -last. - -_Saturday._—Moved into furnished lodgings, where we stayed until we -could afford to deal with a respectable upholsterer. - - - IRISH AUCTIONS. - -In consequence of the difficulties and disputes which have attended -recent sales by auction in Ireland, under the Encumbered Estates Act, -and otherwise, the Irish authorities have published an official set of -conditions of sale, framed in conformity with the spirit of business in -the sister country, which are, in future, to be universally adopted -there. Anxious to render this Almanack of as much use as possible to the -man of business, the editor has, at the last moment, found room for this -document:— - - CONDITIONS OF SALE BY AUCTION IN IRELAND. - - I. The highest bidder to be the purchaser, unless some gentleman - bids more. - - II. If any dispute arises as to who was the highest bidder, the sale - is to stop until the parties have fought it out: but if either - combatant is killed, he shall be allowed to amend his bidding for - the sake of his bereaved family. - - III. If after a piece of land has been sold, it cannot be found in - the estate to which it belongs, it shall be taken from the estate - that lies most convenient to it; but the purchaser shall pay the - owner of the latter the full price of the piece thus taken; but - this purchase-money shall be laid out in improving the same. - Anyhow, they must settle it between them. - - IV. If a lot has been wrongly described, such misdescription shall - not vitiate the sale; but compensation shall be granted as may be - just. If a piece of land has been described as a house, the - auctioneer shall be bound to build a house thereon with the money - paid for the same: and if it is not convenient for the purchaser - to pay for his purchase, the money may be borrowed out of the - poor-rates. If the vendor or the poor complain of this, they must - write to the newspapers; and if they can't write, more shame for - them. - - V. The auctioneer shall not be liable to be called out upon any - pretence whatever connected with the sale now about to take place; - but this condition shall in no wise prevent his giving - satisfaction in regard to any other sale, or his conduct in - knocking down other lots or bidders. - - VI. In regard to its being insulting to ask a gentleman to show his - dirty parchments, and make out titles, and all that bother, no - title shall be required beyond the seller giving his word of - honour that the title is as good as possible, and better. After - this, if there's any awkwardness, it's a case for the Phaynix - Park. - - VII. If what the lawyers call "outstanding terms" can't be "got in," - they must stop out. - - VIII. If it shall turn out that the seller has sold property to - which he was not entitled, and which belongs to somebody else, and - the right owner, upon proper application, unreasonably refuses to - give up possession, the trouble and expense of bringing him to a - sense of what is gentlemanly conduct shall be equally divided - between the seller and buyer. - - IX. If the purchaser thinks he has paid too much, the balance shall - be handed back to the auctioneer, to be treated as liquidated - damages, that is, laid out in claret, to be drunk by all the _bonâ - fide_ bidders at the sale. - - X. The auction duty shall not be paid at all, as it only helps to - maintain English ascendancy. - - XI. Should there be much starvation on the estate, or much - difficulty in getting enough rent out of the tenants, part of the - purchase-money shall be laid out in publishing, in the English - papers, an appeal to the charitable. - - XII. That none of these conditions shall be binding on anybody who - disapproves of them. - -[Illustration] - - - PROPHETIC AND MYSTERIOUS HINTS FOR 1852. - - (_By our own judicial and judicious Astrologer._) - -[Illustration] - - - JANUARY. - -Another new year! Something will probably happen before long. If it does -not something else will. Look round corners as much as possible; and -don't go to the end of the world, for fear of falling over the edge. -Begin new undertakings which promise to be profitable. A bad month for -marrying a shrew. - - - FEBRUARY. - -Give no bills in which February is included, in respect of its being so -short. Never pull your shirt collars so high as to run the risk of the -nether man's catching cold. A bad month for hanging yourself—put it off. -Eat as much as you can. If anybody make you a handsome present—take it, -and fear not. One of your friends will cut himself shaving—seek not to -know which; pry not into the secrets of destiny. - - - MARCH. - -Never take hold of the poker by the wrong end. Go forth into the streets -and gather a bushel of March dust; it is worth a king's ransom. Take it -to the Goldsmiths' Hall, and they will pay you for it—(a king's ransom -is 30,000_l._, which will be at once handed to you). Spring commences. -Cut the pearl buttons off your shirts and sow them in the flower-pot; -they will come up oysters. Avoid the vanities of dress, but do not go -abroad without your pantaloons. - -[Illustration] - - - APRIL. - -Lie in bed all this month for fear of being made an April fool. Many -things happen in April. A good month to receive a large legacy in, but -don't reject a small one. Clouds will gather in the social horizon. You -will have a quarrel with your wife, which will be brought to an amicable -conclusion by means of a shawl. Avoid bonnet shops. A bad month to be -bankrupt in. - -[Illustration] - - - MAY. - -A merry month. Gather May dew (query: what are you to do with it when -you get it?) Dance round the maypole. On no account dance round the -north pole, or the south. Get your friends to do bills—it promotes -generosity and liberality, which are virtues. Your hat will be blown -off—if it be windy enough, and you don't hold it on. Be obliging; give -anybody who asks, free permission to run pins into anybody else—innocent -amusement ought to be encouraged. - -[Illustration] - - - JUNE. - -A bad month for your house to be burnt down—unless, indeed, it be -insured for double its value, or your wife be in it. When you ride in -the Park and the boys tell you to get inside the horse and draw down the -blinds, don't—it's not seemly. Make money—Pass your bad half crowns. -Give your clean-picked bones to the poor—charity covers a multitude of -sins. If a comet appears, let it alone; and when it is tired of -appearing it will disappear. If you see a ghost, tell it to stay there; -and come for us, and we will go and look at it. - -[Illustration] - - - JULY. - -Walk about in armour for fear of mad dogs. The planetary system this -month will go on as usual; distrust anybody who tells you to the -contrary. Be a philosopher, and have as few wants as possible—cut off -your legs, and then you wont require boots, which you will find to be a -saving. When you sleep in church do not snore; it is disrespectful to -the establishment. If you go to the opera and drop a double-barrelled -lorgnette from the fifth tier, and it cracks a man's skull below, bring -an action against his representatives for the value of the glass. Make -yourself comfortable. - -[Illustration] - - - AUGUST. - -Events will take place and circumstances will happen; also things will -come to pass. Beware, therefore, and trust the stars. You may have a -cold in the head, and you may not. Tace is Latin for a candle, and -things must be as they may. Avoid apoplexy, give no encouragement to -rheumatism, and, if you are taken ill with typhus fever, don't stand it. -Drink not physic slowly, and take chloroform when you're having your -hair cut or sitting for your daguerreotype. - -[Illustration] - - - SEPTEMBER. - -Go out a shooting; but shoot not the moon, unless you find it -convenient. A good month for drinking beer, but avoid salts. Recollect -what the wise man sayeth: a bush in the hand is worth two in the bird. -Be sage, stuffed with sage. The time for travelling. If you let your -moustaches grow, you will immediately begin to speak French and German. -Get a passport from the beadle of your parish, _viséd_ by the turncock. -Avoid sea-sickness by never ceasing eating and drinking when at sea. If -you see the devil have nothing to say to him; he is very far from -respectable; cut him. - - - OCTOBER. - -The harvest is gathered, and the barns are full. The best month for -brewing—domestic storms and natural convulsions brewing as well as -porter. Get all you can out of your friends. Make love to pretty women -with money. If you go to California take care you don't dig up brass for -gold. Take heed, the world will come to an end some day; pay your rent -if you are obliged—not otherwise. Avoid breaking your leg in three -places, five of your ribs, putting your collar-bone out, and fracturing -your skull. - -[Illustration] - - - NOVEMBER. - -The month for committing suicide; avoid it, however, for yourself. Give -your friends presents of rope; if you give them enough, the sage sayeth, -they will hang themselves. Fogs are thick; but the wise man sees through -them. Roads are muddy; but the rich man rideth in a cab. In this month -your hair will grow. Do not be alarmed. Buy the _Comic Almanack_. - - - DECEMBER. - -Winter commences. Bills come pouring in. Trust yet to the stars. Do the -Income Tax—so saith the moral philosopher. All flesh is grass—but beef -is not water-cresses. Make moral reflections, and pay no bills. A bad -month for paying bills. Give no Christmas dinner; but go to some one's -who does. Receive presents of turkeys, geese, pickled salmon, and cod, -with oysters for sauce. Look out for Saturn in the ascendant in the -house of Mars; and when you see a comet with a green tail, send an -express to the astronomer royal, with a lock of your hair. - - - ECLIPSES IN 1852. - -The SUN will be eclipsed the whole year round by the brilliance of the -work the reader holds in his hand. Visible to all the inhabitants of Her -Majesty's dominions, of the United States of America, and of every other -country where English is understood. - -The MOON will be eclipsed, during various portions of the seasons, at -the Princess's Theatre, by a set of opposition Moons to be got up by Mr. -Grieve. Visible to the audiences each night. - -JUPITER has been so completely eclipsed by the crack boat of that name -belonging to the Gravesend Star Company, that he has drawn in his rays -in disgust, declined upon his axis, assumed a mean—in fact, a remarkably -mean distance, and generally shut up shop. - -PALLAS will be eclipsed by Mr. Barry, whose new PALACE will approach -within eighteen or nineteen years of completion. Visible to the -inhabitants of Westminster from dawn to dusk, and to the population -generally, through any dull medium—say the Estimates. - - - OTHER ASTRONOMICAL INFORMATION. - -_To convert Astronomical Mean Time into Mean Civil Time._—Beating being -the shortest way to make mean people civil—beat time. - -_To find the distance of Terrestrial Objects._—Take a yard measure, and -measure it. Another way, useful if the object be a window, a friend, or -a public character, is to throw a stone at it, and if you hit it, you -may be sure it is within a stone's throw. - -_To set a Sun Dial._—Dig a hole in the earth, and set it. Sun dials are, -however, seldom known to thrive much. The Seven Dials in London grew up -in a soil composed of old clothes, Irish, onions, Jews, and Gin; and the -population is still literally celebrated for knowing what's o'clock, -with occasional rectification by the police. - -_Directions to know the Stars._—Notice whose names are printed largest -in the play-bills, and precede the largest sums in the schedule of a -manager when he goes up to the Insolvent Court. Another way is to notice -who play or sing most carelessly when the house is bad, or look sulky -when applause doesn't come. - -_To calculate Longitude from the Meridian of Greenwich._—Ascertain how -often a person has eaten whitebait that season. - - - THE NIGHTINGALE. - -A charming songster of this species warbled its nightly music from a -high tree in the corner of my garden. It generally began its jug-jug -just after sundown, when it distinctly whistled the bass solo, "Now -nurse and child are fast asleep," from _Guy Mannering_. The formation of -the larynx prevented the lower notes from coming out with full effect, -but the performance, in other respects, was perfect. Truth, however, -compels me to add, that the bird did not, as has been asserted, whistle -the words. The same nightingale, when he saw over the garden wall a -gentleman staggering along, after a convivial party, used to whistle "We -wont go home till morning," with great glee. I only observed it make a -change once, when the air selected was, "Jolly companions every one."— -_William Kiddy, in the Gardeners' Journal._ - - * * * * * - -THE HEIGHT OF IMPUDENCE.—Stopping a railway train to ask the Guard what -o'clock it is. - - - THE GOLDEN AGE COMING. - - (_From the Sydney Morning Herald, 25th December, 1861._) - -This colony is a remarkable colony. The ancient gentleman (we forget his -name, and there isn't a Lemprière nearer than Cochin China), who turned -everything he touched to gold, must have called here on his way to -Hades. Gold, gold, nothing but gold. Let us calmly review what Australia -has done since Christmas, 1851. - -Although she has separated from the mother country, it was not in anger, -but only as a rich child's establishment is naturally apart from that of -poor parents. We did not neglect Old England; we paid off her national -debt, and we deposited in the hands of trustees (the Emperor Jullien I., -King Abbott-Lawrence, and Sultan Abd-el-Kadr) a sufficient sum to render -taxes in England unnecessary for two hundred years. Having thus done our -duty as a child, we leave the old lady to amuse herself her own way. But -we shall not forget her, and each Christmas we shall delight in -presenting her with a new Fleet, a box of palaces, or some other tribute -of affection. - -We laid down the Cape and Algiers Railway, as also that from Gibraltar -to St. Petersburgh, and the eighty thousand miles of line in India. We -cut through the Isthmuses of Suez and Panama, and lengthened the grand -canal of Venice to the Black Sea. - -We bought up all the opera singers in the world at their own price (the -largest drain our exchequer has known), and we founded the Australian -Opera. Meyerbeer received 100,000_l._ for his opening work—_Le -Kangaroo_, and the "Hopping Chorus" is worth the money. - -We arranged a financial system for ourselves, the leading feature of -which was, that there should be no fractions, no change, no bargaining -(this nearly drove the women out of the colony), and no tick. The lowest -price of anything was to be a guinea. - -We have an electric telegraph communication between our new capital, -Aureopolis, and every other metropolis in the world. Painful as it is to -hear the needy creatures of other continents squabbling about miserable -loans and wretched subsidies, when, perhaps, the whole sum at issue is -not fifty millions, and disagreeable as it must be to regard one's -acquaintance as paupers wrangling over halfpence, the lessons are not -without instruction. - -Such are some of the achievements of Australia. But she is not -all-powerful. We have a failure to record. All her proffered treasures -could not buy one of the writers in the _Comic Almanack_. Yet it must be -done. Gird up thy loins, young nation! The rest were trifles, but here -is a task worthy of thee. Thy mines of wealth against the mines of wit; -for one of those priceless men thou must have. To the Diggings! to the -Diggings! - -[Illustration: - - —_Anticipations of the Golden Age! now coming; showing the probable - style of a coster=monger when _that_ "good time" _is_ come!!_ -] - - - THE GOLD IN AUSTRALIA. - - [_Private and confidential letter from_ Mr. JEMMY BULLSEYE, - _Professional Burglar, M.S.M. (Member Swell Mob), P.P.P. - (Professor Pocket Picking, &c.), T.C. (Transported Convict),_ TO - IKEY MOSHES, ESQ., _R.S.G. (Receiver of Stolen Goods), F.R.F. - (First-Rate Fence), Deadman's Court, Filch Street, Whitechapel._] - - BOTTINEY BAY, _1 April_. - - MY DEAR MOSHES, - -Giv us yer congraterlations old chap, for luck as turned at last. Thank -evings I'm now a maid man, and a real transported conwict, and no -mistake. Ha! ha! No more bissines—no more senter hits, nor kro bars, nor -skillington keas, nor dips into pokkets with nuffin in 'em—nor puttin -old ladis on the grate when 'ot, to make 'em tell vere the spoons is—no -more rows with them ere Peelers, nor interwiews with the Beaks—nor no -more pollis wans, nor Hold Baileys, nor Middlesects sesshuns, nor -Surgeon Adamses, nor Recorders, nor Ballantines nor Clarksons. As I said -afore, in one wurd, no more bissines. I'm a-coming out in the -respictable line, and I'm a-goin to keep a gigg. I've made my lucky, and -I can afford to pass the remaneder of my days a-doin' nuffin but -enjoying on myself. - -In two wurds, Ikey, I've maid my fortin. I've 5 portmanties chok full of -gold. How you'd like a grab at 'em, eh? The rigglar stuff; shinin' like -sufferings, and worth never so much more, bekase more purer, and no -allhoy. You remember the littel Jobb for which I got into trubbel—the -plate down Hackney way, which we didn't find out to be Britania Mettle -till jist as it was in the meltin' pott, and the pollis had me by the -choler. Well, I staid in Pentonwill too ears, and then we kum out here, -a hole ship lod on us, rigglar outanouters as ever stood in a dok, and -then they set us to make rods, and me and Bil Smuth, and Jerry Gibbs—him -as knocked the old lady on the 'ead for pleasure, arter the bissines was -over, and the swag sekured—and half-a-dozen more, was all tyed to one -chane, with a lot o' sogers ready to shoot us if we layed doun our piks -or spaids for a minit. But let me tell yer, as things 'as turned out, -the praktise was kapital, for suddenly one mornin' there kame word, that -about a dosen of miles from us, there was a bed, a rigglar bed of gold -made up in the earth, and that noboddy had anythink to do but to stupe -down and pik hup the peaces. By gom, Ikey, when the sogers heard this, -off they cut, and set to work at the golden sand with their baggynets, -and, as you may be sure, also off we kut arter them; and there we wos, -the hole wak of us, konwicts and no konwicts, pickin' up the yaller -metal like 1 o'clock, and mindin' nuffin else. And now we found out the -hadvantage of our rod makin praktise, for, for every ounse of gold the -rest piked up, we got a £. So we soon had the chane off, and, in less -nor 6 wheeks I had for my share at least 50,000 lbs. worth—which, -by-the-by, I am grieved to say, that disonest skoundrel, Bil Smuth, -tryed to pilpher from, but a dig from the pik axe settled his ash, as so -it did Jerry Gibbs's, whose and I found in my pokkits—the unprinsipaled -thif, who had no more respect for reallysed property than nothink at -all. And so, to make a long storey short, here I am, a-goin' to sale for -Urope by the next ship with all my gold, and quite sartin of being -reseaved accordin to my merrits, as weyed by the hevvyness of my -Koffers. - -I have hardly maid up my plans yet, but I think I'll by an andsome ouse -somewere near Tyburnia—I like the name; and I'll call it either -"Burglary Lodge," or "Felony Villa," or "The Fence," and I'll furnish -part on it quite slap-up like the nobses; and part on it like Newgate, -and part like Pentonwille, and part like the Pennytenshiary, just to -keep hup a scentimental rememberance of the old Times. I'll get a Kot o' -arms too. The Herralds' Offis will soon find that for me, but there must -be a dark lantern in it, and a skillington kea, and for a mottar, -"Sucksess to Swindlin," in a dead langwidge, which is more genteeler nor -a livin one. In course I'll have an ouse-warming, when I'll ask the -Rekordor of the sitty of London, and the Kommon Surgeon, and Surgeon -Adams of the Middlesects, and the Kommishners of Pollis, and Dannal -Wittles Arvey. I should think they'd come. I don't bear no mallis, and -I'll give 'em good wittles. "Sirkmstances is altared, my Lords," I'll -say after dinner, when I'm a-standing with a glass of champagn in my -'and, "And I forgive you for having sent me out to Bottiney Bay, -konsidering wot's come of it, and if any of you would like to try your -luck akross the water, I'll give you a letter to a hold pal of mine that -worked on the same chane as me for five ears, and he'll put you hup to -the time o' day if anybody will." I shood think, Ikey, as that would be -a 'andsome way of doing the thing, and letting bygons be bygons. I -wudn't be surprised arter that if they made me a Middlesects magistrate, -or a visitin Justass, or summut o' that kind, and when I goes to a -Pollis offis just for old assossiashun's sake, you'll read in the papers -how the Honorable Genlmn was akkomodated with a seat on the bench beside -the worthy maggistrate, Ha! ha! Ikey, the gold will do it al. I wouldn't -be surprised if I get a testymonial, or if there be a subskription to -raise a monyment to me—or a lot of amsouses for dekayed prigs, to be -called "Bullseye Amsouses," with the names of the churchwardens of the -Parritch karved over the entrance door. In course I'll keep a carridge, -which is more convenient than a wan with V. R. painted on the side; and -I'll have the deerest pue in the most fash'nable chapple—Parritch -churches is low—and I'll shubscribe to the societies for the purtection -of property and the shuppression of voice. Its wot is looked for in men -in a sartin position. - -Sutch then, Ikey, are my present plans. I wud ask you to my ouse warming -but fear you mite not like to meet some of the Gents allooded to, you -being still in the old line of bisiness, and not unkimmon well of. -Howsoever, we'll have a quiet tawk when we meet, over a glas of grogg -and a pype. - - Yours affexndly, - JEMMY BULLSEYE. - -P.S. In coorse I'll go into Parlyment, but representing nyther St. -Alban's nor Harwich. No, no, dang it, not so low yet as that kums to -nyther. - - - OUR OWN "NOTES AND QUERIES." - - - PIKES AND ASSES. - -Mr. Samuel Flopp presents his compliments to the Editor, and begs to -propound the following question:— - -Mr. Flopp, passing the other day through the Camden Town Turnpike, -observed written upon the gate— - -"For every horse, mule, or other animal, not being an ass, the sum of -1½_d._" - -Mr. Flopp wishes to know whether it was owing to the last reservation, -that he was allowed to pass toll free. - -Perhaps some of our correspondents will answer the question. - - - BLACK'S THE WHITE OF MY EYE. - -"There is a proverbial expression, 'You can't say black is the white of -my eye.' How ought a person to vary the phrase to suit his own case, -supposing his eyes to be blue? An answer will oblige. - - J. P." - - * * * * * - - "SIR, - -Digging in my garden, I found a flat stone with the following -inscription— - - JONBUMPSISGROUND - -Can you inform me what language this is? I have submitted the question -to both Universities, and a fortune-teller in the New Cut, but I can get -no satisfactory reply. I am myself inclined to think it either -Phœnician, Chaldee, or ancient Cornish." - - * * * * * - -"The following very curious fragment of an epitaph is to be found in a -churchyard not a hundred miles from Biggleswade:— - - 'Afflictions sore, long time I bore, - Physicians was in vain—' - -_Cætera desunt._ Can any of your readers inform me of the name and -profession of the deceased, what he died of, and whether the undertaker -was paid for his funeral?" - -[Illustration] - - - THE OPERA HABITUÉ. - - You've heard of an Habitué—an Opera-going man— - Perhaps you sometimes try to look as like one as you can, - But, if you want a faithful sketch—correct as sketch can be, - I'll daguerreotype myself—an old Habitué. - - And first, I don't know music—for I haven't got an ear; - And I fear I couldn't tell Jim Crow from strains by Meyerbeer; - And once I made a blunder when the band began to tune, - And asked what Costa was about, to start them off so soon. - - The fact is—music bores one, but what is one to do? - It's very clear that one must try to get one's evenings through; - And so I somehow find myself professing vast delight, - And shouting "brava Grisi!"—yes—every Opera night. - - I'm got up to perfection. In all that dandy place, - There's no cravat so faultless—no shirt so gay with lace; - My gibus hat—my shiny boots, there's none who see forget. - While words can't tell how tight my gloves, or huge my white lorgnette. - - And, every Opera evening, I lounge into my stall, - And nod, and smile to scores—of course—Habitués, one and all; - And then adjust that huge lorgnette; and, grave as grave can be, - From box to box, and tier to tier, commence my scrutiny. - - There's first the row of _baignoires_ so dark, and deep, and sly; - Then the Grand Tier—the milky way—around the Opera sky. - The First tier so respectable—beloved of Russell Square, - The Second, where the artist haunts high up in middle air. - - And well I know by many a sign, by toilet, and by style, - Whether or no the House be good. Spite managerial wile, - One sweep of my lorgnette, and then, I'll confidently say - Which are the boxes duly filled, and which those given away. - - The curtain up—my toils commence—and loungingly I pass - From tier to tier, and box to box, myself, boots, hat and glass. - And flirt with Emily, or Kate, and chat with dear Mamma, - Or even fling myself away five minutes on Papa. - - - And then we talk, oh, how we talk, of pic-nics, rides, and balls; - Or quiz that lady's strange _toilette_ down yonder in the stalls, - And wonder who the men can be in very dubious stocks, - Who've pinned the bill upon the ledge of Lady Swandown's Box. - - But the last loud stirring chorus at length has died away, - And the house is up and buzzing, for the _Entre'acte_ hath sway, - The corridors are thoroughfares—as here and there they flit - Our humming, chatting Opera world from boxes, stalls, and pit. - - For now there comes the Quarter hour when everybody meets, - The cheery, chatty Quarter hour, when each some comrade greets, - The Quarter hour so terrible, when Critics deep, who sit - In solemn judgment—pass it—in the lobby near the pit. - - A chattering joking conclave, that merry clever ring, - With its gossip of all passing things and scandal of the "wing," - Deep Opera diplomacy—the last alleged sore throat; - And all the very newest, and most piquant things afloat. - - And thus my evening passes in the summer and the spring, - In lorgnette astronomics, and languid listening, - In sauntering, and gossiping, and lounging up and down, - And mixing up the music with the chit-chat of the town. - - Till—from the Great Soprano Queen there's nothing more to hear, - Till—the last loud orchestral crash has died upon the ear, - Till—the last lingering lady has made her last delay, - And the last lingering carriage no longer stops the way. - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - - - MR. BULL'S GLASS OF WATER. - -Mr. John Bull, suddenly impressed with the excellence of water, demanded -that his town mansion should forthwith be supplied. - -"Bless your soul, Sir," cried nine of his servants, "the house has water -enough, and very good water, brought twice a week." - -"Bring me a glass of it," said Bull, and while they were fetching the -glass (for John's servants are the dreariest dawdles on the face of the -earth, and are as long opening a door, cleaning a passage, or doing any -little job, except a money job, as the servants of Monsieur le Nez, over -the way, are in throwing his whole house out of windows), Mr. Bull took -up a Blue Book. - -"Colourless, transparent, inodorous, and tasteless; such are the -conditions of purity in water," read John. "O, here you are at last, you -lazy rascal; give me the glass. What do you call this stuff, you -scoundrel—pea-soup?" - -"Capital water, Sir, stunning tipple, sir," said the fellow audaciously; -"your steward pays me a shilling a pint for all I bring in." - -"Does he!" said John, glancing across the room, to be sure that his -stick was in its corner. "Where do you fetch this stuff from, tell me -that?" - -"Nearest place, in course, Sir. Thames-ditch, Sir." - -"That all my drains run into! Take that, Sir!" roared the old gentleman, -kicking him down stairs. - -Another servant, smirking, ran in with another glass. - -"Less colour," said John, "but smells like the end of a gas-pipe." And -the bearer went over the bannisters. A third tried his luck, declaring -that the water he brought came from a beautiful tank near Sadler's -Wells. - -"Full of live things," said John, shuddering. - -A fourth rushed up, "Try this, Sir; a dodge of my own, Sir, a pipe from -a tan-pit, Sir—tan very healthy." - -"Tastes of animal decomp——I'll tan _you_, Sir," thundered John, planting -his fist between the rogue's eyes, "put that in your pipe!" - -Well, all the other servants came with glass after glass of dirty water; -for fetching which, John Bull's steward was, they said, in the habit of -paying them enormously, besides encouraging them to beat anybody who -came to the house with a filter, or offered to bring cleaner water at a -cheaper rate. John waxed furious, declared they were all rogues and -cheats, and commanded his steward, one WOOD, to contrive that he should -have decent water. So Wood, who is the merriest, most goodnatured -bungler in the world, proposed that they should all pour their different -supplies into one great tank, which he thought would make the water -pure. JOHN BULL didn't quite see how eight quarts of dirty water would, -by being mixed, make two gallons of clean; but this plan is going to be -tried. It seems most likely that John will never get a _Glass of Clean -Water_. - -[Illustration: - - _A Good Supply of Water—or John Bull—inundated with the various - schemes & Streams, of—"water, water, every where"_— -] - - - CURIOUS TRAIT OF NATIONAL MANNERS. - - (_Extract from the Advertising Columns of the Slickville Patriot and - Locofoco Bowie Knife._) - -To be sold by Public Auction, next Wednesday, the whole contents— -furniture and appurtenances—of the late Editor of this Journal's Office, -consisting of— - - 1. Five Tomahawks (warranted). - - 2. Eight Colt's Revolvers (have each shot their man). - - 3. Two Sword-sticks. - - 4. Three Gouging Forks (patent). - - 5. Seven Nigger Whips (loaded with lead, and highly recommended). - - 6. A Horse Whip (same with which Editor said he flogged General - Dodge). - - 7. Another Horse Whip (same with which General Dodge said he flogged - Editor). These two will be sold in one lot. - - 8. A Cask of Tar—good for Abolitionists. - - 9. The Feathers out of Four Feather-Beds—ditto, ditto. - - 10. Curious Recipes for Brandy Cocktail, Whisky Stingers, and Gin - Trumps. - - 11. A Pair of Bloomer's Pantilettes. - - 12. A Bad Dollar, and - - 13. A Worn-out Pen. - -Sale to commence at noon, and no revolvers allowed till a quarter past. - - - TABLE OF THE PROBABLE DURATION OF LIFE. - - (_The number 20 being taken as representing the chance - of living longest_). - - Vegetarian 5 - Fox-hunter 15 - Soldier in the Line 9 - Guardsman 19¾ - Railway Traveller 12 - Ditto, on the Midland Counties' Railway 1¼ - _Habitué_ of the Legitimate Drama ¼ - Husband of a "Bloomer" (_unless he runs away from her_) 1 - Member of Parliament 15 - Reader of Parliamentary Debates 5 - Reader of the _Comic Almanack_[9] 20 - -Footnote 9: - - NOTE.—If a purchaser also, the chance is enormously increased, and, - for all practical purposes, may be regarded as a certainty.—PUBLISHER. - - - THE RIDDLER. - -The following queries are proposed for solution by some of our ingenious -readers. Answers must be enclosed to the publisher on or before the -first of April next. Fifty copies of the _Comic Almanack_ (equivalent to -a permanent provision for the receiver for life, with handsome -reversions to his posterity), will be presented to any one who shall -answer the whole correctly. We might have hesitated in making so -stupendous an offer, but felt that the world required for the year 1852 -some universal excitement, rather superior to that occasioned by the -Exhibition of 1851. - - - CHARADE. - - My first young ladies do at balls, - My second will destroy St. Paul's, - My whole on Temple-Bar was seen, - The day Prince Albert wed the Queen. - - LAURA. - - - ANOTHER. - - The earth did my first, and the sky did my second, - When the Census throughout the three kingdoms was reckoned, - When the sky does my first, and the earth does my whole, - My second will join the Equator and Pole. - - SEMAJ. - - - A THIRD. - - Miss Rose gave my first to my second (her lover), - My third made Miss Rose what you'll please to discover. - - WOPS BORSHON. - - - REBUS. - -An electrical agent, an over-ripe pear, a wooden leg, Mr. Dickens' best -novel, half a dragon, a scapegrace, a young frog, an easy-chair, a -French divine, a celebrated map, part of a lady's dress, a London club, -and the sixth of a Knight of the Garter. The initials describe what the -reader is, the finals what he may be if he likes, and the middle letter -what he can never be, though his father was, and his child must be. - - LILLY. - - - ANOTHER. - -A man, a can, a fan, Ann, to scan, a plan—their equivalents represent -the four elements in agitation, and spelt backwards, describe the most -pleasing object in the Great Exhibition. Omitting Ann and the fan, the -equivalents prophesy what theatre will next be burned down. - - INGENIOUS MARY. - - - ARITHMETICAL PUZZLE. - -I am engaged to a young lady, who will not tell me her age, but says -that if I measure her arm (which is a very pretty one) above the elbow, -and multiply the number of inches by the number of the Royal Family (in -1851), and then divide by the number of perfection, I shall discover her -age. As I know a shorter way, I hand over the puzzle to my readers. - - JUNIUS. - - - CONUNDRUMS. - - I. - -What is that which if you stamp upon it, appears above your head, and if -you blow upon it, vanishes? - - II. - -Why is the late Lord Mayor like the Crystal Fountain? - - III. - -Why must John Knox have been the last man in the world to eat a lobster? - - IV. - -Why is the Earl of Zetland (the Grand Freemason of England), when he -wears a waistcoat which his family think unbecoming to him, like a -postage stamp from which the adhesive stuff has been licked off by a -tortoiseshell kitten? - - V. - -If you went through the Lowther Arcade in company with the inventor of -the Marine Telegraph, and saw an old lady's back hair coming down, why -would you be obliged to ask him to tell her of it in Arabic or Chinese? - - VI. - -If Peeping Tom of Coventry were to put on the Bloomer Costume, and be -carried in a sedan chair, by two black men, from the Marble Arch to the -Menai Bridge, why would he resemble Mr. Macaulay, on a snowy day, and -with an achromatic telescope in his left hand, taking shelter about -eleven o'clock in a pastrycook's shop anywhere in the City? - - DESDEMONA B. - - - ANAGRAMS. - - _Names of Politicians._| - - - Confidence shaken. Ah! - He made a mull. - Terms—give place. - Trusted, time past. Yes. - - _Names of Singers._| - - O 'xtortionate. - Not worth salt. - Sick? O _sans_ doubt - Envy, scoffs, vile O. - - _Names of Preachers._ - - White Brow in mirror. - Do come in Broughams. - More bigot. No. - Rantipole, he! - - _Names of Actresses._ - - Nice scented veil. - Who more smart? - Silly, him in Guards. - Neat in the calf. - - SIPSEHT. - - - TRANSPOSITIONS. - - I. - -Transpose "Jos. Paxton, Knight, Gardener," and you may describe what he -would have been if Mrs. Graham had smashed the transept with her -balloon. - - II. - -A transposition of one of the Prince of Wales's titles will give the -three prettiest Christian names for ladies. - - III. - -You may transpose a line in the second verse of the National Anthem, -until you make something which Dr. Bull little dreamed of when composing -it. - - P. PILLICODDY. - - - FINAL BLAZE OF GLORY. - - (_Our own Riddle_). - - Take the year of the Plague, and the month of the Fire, - Take Phœbus-Apollo, with hand on his lyre, - Take a Jew's famous eye, and the eye of the Pope, - And a building where foolish young novices mope, - And a sprat (but alive), and the name of a town, - And a greenhorn by sharpers done awfully brown, - A tree without bark, and a play without plot, - And that isle where as yet Uncle Sam reigneth not, - Take a maid who's had warning, a gun without powder, - The word that makes Englishmen prouder and prouder, - Pick from each but one letter—it lies in the middle, - You'll find what you'll be when you find out this riddle. - - * * * * * - - - OUR ADVERTISING COLUMN. - -DEPRESSION IN THE LEGAL PROFESSION.—In consequence of the opening of the -County Courts, the undersigned begs to state that his charges will be -found strictly moderate, and if his speeches be not approved of, the -money will be returned. Come early. This is the shop for cheap Law! -Now's your time! No reasonable offer will be refused. - - LITTLETON BLUEBAG. - - * * * * * - -JOHN TICK, Clockmaker to the King of Loo Choo (by appointment), and -Watchmaker to the heir apparent of the King of the Cannibal Islands (by -appointment), begs to call attention to his Ne-plus-ultra never-say-die -Watch. Goes for ever without winding up—the glass can't break—it strikes -with a cathedral tone, and plays the Row Polka, and the Dead Waltz in -Saul, every alternate quarter of an hour—never needs cleaning, and the -general idea of the whole is so bright, that the dial can always be seen -distinctly in the dark. N.B. This Watch would have carried off a Council -medal, had it not been for the maker not sending it to the Exhibition. - - * * * * * - -FURNISHED APARTMENTS, within five minutes' walk of the Bank, the Horse -Guards, the Lambeth Union, and the Small Pox Hospital. The lodger would -have the use of the mangle. Partial Board if required. Half a slice of -bread for breakfast, and the run of the cruet-stand for dinner. No -attendance, but the lodger will be allowed to ring the bell as much as -he pleases. Apply to Mr. Smith, London. - - * * * * * - -TO THE BENEVOLENT.—An appeal is confidently made on behalf of a Young -Gentleman, whose cruel and unnatural father allows him only £100 a year -until he does something for himself. The merest trifle—30_s._ a-week— -will be thankfully received, and gratuities above £20 will be -acknowledged by a dinner at Verey's, to which the donor will not be -asked, but at which his health will be drank. Address Hex Why Zed, Cyder -Cellars. - - (Not to be repeated.) - - * * * * * - -TO PARENTS AND GUARDIANS.-The thinnings of a rough young Birch Wood are -on Sale. Also a cargo of Bamboos, just arrived from the Mauritius. Tawse -of superior Leather, with the ends of the tails carefully burnt, are -also constantly on Sale. Apply at Floggum Hall, Clapham. - - * * * * * - -TO THOSE AFFLICTED WITH DEAFNESS.—The Advertisers offers comfortable -Board and Lodging to Ladies and Gentlemen suffering as above, in his own -private family circle. The great advantage to be found in the -arrangement will be, that neither he, his wife, his eight daughters, or -his seven sons, ever say, or can be expected to say, anything. - - * * * * * - - _Worth hearing—Address to the Office of this Newspaper._ - -FRENCH IN A QUARTER OF AN HOUR, AND GERMAN IN TWENTY MINUTES.—CRAM'S NEW -METHOD. "Do you understand French?" "I understand it, but do not speak -it." How often do we hear this reply. Professor CRAM assures his Friends -and intending Pupils that in fifteen minutes he will make them speak -French as perfectly as they understand it. - - - OUR OWN PRESIDENT OF FRANCE. - -The shadow of a coming event has fallen upon the opposite page and -stayed there. It represents the triumphal entry into Paris of M. -Jullien, chosen as President of the Republic, Leader of its Armies, -Composer of its strifes, Conductor of its Bands, and in general, -National First Fiddle. - -The French having tried all manner of governments and all classes of -rulers, and not liking any of them, will naturally, in their pursuit of -harmony, turn to one of its most celebrated professors. M. Jullien, on -the 1st of April, will issue two public manifestoes, expressive of his -political creed:—"The Universal Suffrage Polka, with ballot-box and -kettledrum accompaniment;" and "The _Liberté, Egalité, et Fraternité_ -Quadrilles," in which all the second and third fiddles will play the -first parts, the piccolos will produce the sound of ophicleides, and any -instrument will be at liberty to play anything it pleases; all this in -token of the equalization of society, and the freedom of action to be -accorded under the new _régime_. The time in which this Quadrille will -be arranged is the Good Time Coming, which may be reckoned a very slow -movement, seeing how long it takes to arrive. - -These magnificent political _morceaux_ having been duly considered by -the people of France, whistled by all the boys, and danced to at all the -casinos—the cry of "Jullien for President" will become all but -universal. The Elysée will be frantic, the Orleanists furious, and the -Legitimists in despair. Louis Napoleon's friends will meditate a _coup -d'état_, for the purpose of securing all the silver plate in France; but -which will be defeated by the counter operations of a conspiracy for the -abolition of taxes, and for giving every Frenchman, above the age of -twenty-one and untainted by crime, a salary of 5000 francs per annum, to -be paid quarterly by the government. In the midst of these conflicting -movements of party, the grand day of election will take place, and the -following will be the state of the poll:— - - Jullien 9,999,999 - Louis Napoleon 1 - Prince de Joinville 1 - Duke de Chambord 1 - -Each of the three latter gentlemen having voted for himself. France will -be immediately thrown into a state of rapturous delight, and the new -President will land at Boulogne from four steamboats, the band playing -the Row Polka, which will be adopted, till they get another, as the -national anthem of France. What the triumphal entry into the capital -will be, is made manifest on the opposite page. Welcomed by the -universal voice of Paris, in one grand _concert monstre_—the democrats -the basses, the quondam Buonapartists the tenors, the quondam -Legitimists the counter tenors, and all their wives and daughters the -sopranos and contraltos—then there will commence in France the -harmonious reign of M. Jullien—the President without a precedent. - -[Illustration: - - _The Triumphal procession of the new President of the French - (Monšr-Jullien) with entire new Politics & Polkas!!!_ -] - -[Illustration: - - "THE RIGHTS of WOMEN" or the EFFECTS of FEMALE ENFRANCHISEMENT. -] - - - - - THE - COMIC ALMANACK - FOR 1853. - - -[Illustration] - - - "WELL, SIR! IT IS MY DUTY TO INQUIRE INTO YOUR INTENTIONS TOWARDS - MISS 1853." - -Taking into consideration the hourly increasing inquisitiveness of the -Age, and, above all, the restless desire to pry into the secrets of -Futurity, as evinced by the feverish agitation, on all sides, of vitally -important questions, such as the following:— - - What is to be done for the people? - Who's who in 1853? - What next?— - -we have resolved on considerable improvements in the Prophetic -department of our publication. - -This feature indeed may be said to have been (in proof of which we are -going to say it) hitherto the only unsatisfactory one of our otherwise -complete work—having been confined to the prediction (in six neatly -printed pages at the commencement of the yearly volume) of the -particular week-days on which each day of the month would fall; the -number of days to be contained in each month; the periodical changes of -the moon, &c., &c.—predictions which have invariably been verified; but, -from the comparatively uninteresting nature of the events foretold— -considered as a supply to the enormous demand for Prophetic Intelligence -alluded to above—may be open to a charge of inadequacy. - -For the Future we intend to be more explicit as to it; and will foretell -events of a more general nature, calculated to set at rest all the -throbbing questions of the day, to which an answer will oblige—only -stipulating that, in the case of any prediction not appearing to be -satisfactorily fulfilled, the reader will withhold his judgment till -such time as he shall have purchased our next number. - -Our extra amount of foresight has enabled us to present the reader with -sixteen pages of matter more than he has been in the habit of receiving. -The usual blank pages for the purposes of journal and cash entries will -be no longer necessary, the accounts of the year being already made up -for him by ourselves. - -[Illustration] - - - JANUARY. - -On the 1st of January, two elderly gentlemen (having dined together on -the previous day) will meet in New Oxford Street. One will poke the -other in the stomach, and remark that he has not seen him since last -year. The other will reply that it is very odd; but that he is glad to -find his friend so little altered. Both elderly gentlemen will laugh and -adjourn for something to drink. - -[Illustration] - -About the 11th a rapid thaw may be expected. - -[Illustration] - -Several young gentlemen home for the holidays being informed that if -they eat so much Twelfth Cake they will make themselves too ill to go -back to school on Monday—there will be an extra demand for that article. - - - FEBRUARY. - -[Illustration] - -A country gentleman will be attracted to Westminster by an erroneous -conception of the Queen's method of opening Parliament in person. - -[Illustration] - -The rival opera houses will open for the season. Increased exertions -will be made on both sides to secure the public patronage. - -[Illustration] - -On the 14th one of our readers will meet with a severe disappointment in -love. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - -WINKINSON cannot stand this sort of thing any longer. He has made up his -mind, and _will_ go to Australia—with the best of them! - -[Illustration] - -The materials for gold-washing, however, come expensive, and some time -is necessarily occupied in Winkinson's getting a supply. - - - JANUARY. - -January derives its name from the Roman deity Janus. It is the first -month of the year—following December, and taking precedence of February. -It contains thirty-one days. - -We have been induced to make the above remarks by the conviction that no -work, however brilliant, has a chance of success in the present day, -unless containing a certain amount of really sound and valuable -information. Considering we have established our powers in that line -triumphantly, we will proceed to foretell the principal events of the -month. - -On second thoughts though, the month is so absurdly near at hand, and -the events themselves will so soon happen, that it is hardly worth -while. It has even occurred to us that it would be an insult to our -readers—the very notion of which makes our blood run cold! Of course, -under the circumstances, we cannot think of anything of the kind. - -DIRECTIONS FOR BEGINNING THE NEW YEAR WELL.—Go out to dinner on the 31st -of December. Select the best house you know for the purpose. Eat and -drink of the best, and spend the evening cheerfully. See the new year -in, and accept your host's offer of a bed. Breakfast with the family; be -in excellent health and spirits, and have a legacy left you. - -FAMILY RECEIPTS.—Those given by the landlord on the 26th ultimo are the -most appropriate to the month, and should be taken care of in case of -accidents. - -TO AVOID CHOPPED HANDS.—Have your meat properly jointed by the butcher, -and don't attempt to chop it yourself. - -[Illustration: - - THE GOLDEN NUMBER. -] - - - SCRAPS OF INFORMATION, - USEFUL AND ORNAMENTAL, - - (_The latter through the kind assistance of Mr. H. G. Hine._) - - - CHRONOLOGICAL NOTES FOR THE YEAR 1853. - - Golden Number, or Cycle of the Moon, 11. - Cycle of the Sun, 14. - Epact, 20. - Dominical Letter, B. - Julian Period, 6565. - Septuagesima Sunday, Jan. 22. - Shrove Sunday, Feb. 22. - Ash Wednesday, Feb. 9. - Easter Sunday, March 27. - Whit Sunday, May 15. - Trinity Sunday, May 22. - Advent Sunday, Nov. 27. - -[Illustration] - - - ECLIPSES OF THE SUN AND MOON IN 1853. - - JUNE 6.—Total Eclipse of the Sun, invisible. - JUNE 20.—Partial Eclipse of the Moon, invisible. - NOVEMBER 30.—Total Eclipse of the Sun, invisible. - -[Illustration: - - THE CEREMONY OF HER MAJESTY GOING IN STATE TO OPEN PARLIAMENT WILL - TAKE PLACE AS USUAL—THESE EXPENSIVE PAGEANTS BEING CALCULATED TO - GIVE EMPLOYMENT TO A LARGE CLASS OF THE INDUSTRIAL POPULATION. -] - - - FEBRUARY. - -An influential inhabitant of a provincial borough will take a party of -friends with him to the House of Commons, to show them how intimate he -is with the new member, whose return to Parliament he was mainly -instrumental in effecting, and who has professed the greatest attachment -to him and his family. He will lie in wait (bidding his friends to look -on) in the strangers' lobby for the new member. He will see the new -member entering the building with conscious dignity. He will rush at him -with extended hand, addressing him by name. The new member will suddenly -see somebody he wants to speak to, and rush madly away in an opposite -direction. The influential inhabitant will return to his provincial -borough with altered politics. - -On the 14th, exactly 1,098,276 valentines will be delivered in the -United Kingdom.[10] Out of these, 9,765,007 will commence with "The rose -is red, the violet's blue;" 6,000,821 will be written on sugar-paper and -sealed with thimbles; 1,098,275 will contain faults of orthography and -syntax; 890,782 will be illegibly directed; and 3 prepaid. - -Footnote 10: - - We consider this daring accuracy of statistics something like - prophecy. Of course, we challenge investigation. - -News will arrive of the fitting out of an American squadron (by private -enterprise) for the invasion of England—the grounds of attack being that -the island was discovered, some centuries back, by a Roman ancestor of -Mr. Julius Cæsar Chollop (of Connecticut, U.S.), and by right should -become the property of his descendants. - - - MARCH. - -[Illustration] - -The formation of volunteer rifle corps, with a view to the protection of -life and property, will be strongly recommended. - -[Illustration] - -The rate of cab fares of the metropolis will continue at 4_s._ 6_d._ per -mile. Drivers, as heretofore, will be encouraged to enforce its payment -from a parsimonious British public. - -[Illustration] - -Greenwich Fair will present the usual endless variety of intellectual -recreations. - - - APRIL. - GREAT SELLS OF THE FIRST. - -[Illustration] - -A gentleman, invited out to dinner, will wait patiently in the belief -that his tailor really means to send home his new coat by four o'clock. - -[Illustration] - -The same gentleman's bootmaker will wait patiently in the belief that -his debtor really means to call and settle that little matter by four -o'clock. - -[Illustration] - -The printer's boy will be sent to our residence to ask for copy. - -_Our_ boy will be despatched on an errand to the printer's to inquire -for proofs. - -[Illustration] - -The strictest discipline will be enforced among the Railway Companies' -officials. - - * * * * * - -He hears, moreover, that the gold lies twenty-five feet below the -surface of the soil, and thinks he had better try if he could dig a hole -that deep. He takes up two flag stones in the back kitchen, and makes -the experiment. - -Nor is he quite sure that his constitution will stand living in a tent. -He judges it expedient to contract for a month's residence with a -distinguished Egyptian family on Blackheath, by way of probation. - -[Illustration: - - GREAT IRISH FÊTE ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY. -] - - - MARCH. - -An Irish Fête will take place on St. Patrick's Day—established in -successful emulation of the annual Scottish Fête in Holland Park. - -The following national sports will form a portion of the programme:— - - Throwing the Hatchet, - Drawing the Long Bow, - Shooting the Moon, - -And (in effigy, out of consideration for Saxon prejudices) - - Shooting the Landlord. - -There will also be a general run of excisemen and tax-gatherers for -their lives. Prizes will be awarded, which the losers will be at liberty -to contest with the conquerors after their distribution. - -On Easter Monday, Greenwich Fair will offer its attractions to an -intellectual British public. A great falling off will be observed in -this time-honoured festival. The shows will be found stripped of their -brightest pantomimic and melodramatic ornaments: but Richardson will not -give up the ghost! - -Parliamentary business will be suspended for the Easter vacation. Much -curiosity exists as to what statesmen do with themselves on such -occasions. A slender middle-aged gentleman, of Jewish aspect, with an -immense quantity of glossy ringlets, will be seen enjoying three sticks -a-penny in the park on Easter Monday. A much shorter gentleman, wearing -a pasteboard nose, and blowing a penny trumpet, will be robbed of his -handkerchief, in the same locality, whilst getting into a round-about, -in company with an elderly gentleman in plaid inexpressibles and a -_retroussé_ nose. That handkerchief will be found marked J. R. with a -coronet. For once, we decline being definite, and say nothing. - -[Illustration: - - CAPITAL FIRST OF APRIL JOKE. EMIGRATION AGENTS PERSUADE INTENDING - EMIGRANT THAT THEY ARE SHOWING HIM THE WAY TO AUSTRALIA. -] - - - APRIL. - -The excellent working of the convict system will be summarily displayed -in Australia. The convicts, by a decisive _coup_, will succeed in -obtaining the upper hand. The colonial executive will be vanquished and -replaced by a provisional government on an entirely new principle. A new -and original code of laws will be organized, by which honesty will be -made criminal, and rascality rewarded. No man will be allowed to claim -any property, unless he can prove that he has stolen it, and no -documents whatever will be considered binding except forgeries. The Gold -Fields will be at the disposal of the government, who will grant -licenses (to be paid for in counterfeit coin) for the assassination and -plunder of the individuals who have been sent out (officially) to rob -the diggers. - -Emigration will, however, continue unchecked. Labour will be at an -incredible premium. £400 a year will be refused by a groom, because he -is expected to attend to the stable, and refused the use of the piano. -Desertion in the army will be carried to such an extent that Lord -Hardinge himself will be compelled to mount guard at Folkstone, to keep -out the French invasion—his only hope of the safety of the country being -derived from the knowledge that all the soldiers of the Emperor Napoleon -III. have deserted too, and that that potentate is constitutionally -opposed to the ordeal of single combat. There will be no policemen left. -The magistrates themselves will be compelled to assume the uniform in -case of any malefactors remaining in the country. Mr. Norton's beat will -be Westminster Bridge; that of Mr. Broderip, Vauxhall Road and its -environs; whilst the safe custody of the Borough will be entrusted to -the vigilance of Mr. A'Beckett. - - - MAY. - -[Illustration] - -At about noon on the day succeeding the Derby race, several gentlemen -will call at a popular betting office, and will be surprised to find -that the proprietor and clerks have not come yet. - -[Illustration] - -The portrait of a gentleman will be exhibited at the Royal Academy. - -[Illustration] - -Additional accommodation will be afforded for the hanging of pictures. - - - JUNE. - -[Illustration] - -The international copyright treaty with France having come into action, -several dramatic authors will be thrown out of employment. - -[Illustration] - -The umbrella manufacturers of the metropolis will felicitate themselves -on the prospect of a brisk demand for their merchandise. - -The omnibus drivers, _blasés_ to the excitement of unchecked racing on -level ground, will avail themselves of the repairs in Fleet Street for -the purpose of a steeple chase. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - -He is also nervous about the sea voyage. There can be no harm in a trip -as far as the Nore, to set him all right on his sea legs. - -[Illustration] - -There is no use in doing things hurriedly. Winkinson intended starting -by the next packet, but he has just learnt that it is impossible to -stand the fatigues of the diggings without drinking an enormous quantity -of peach brandy, by way of fortification. It would be madness to -commence the journey till he has seasoned himself a little to that sort -of thing. - -N.B. Beards are worn at the diggings. Winkinson has allowed his to grow, -and, in consequence, forfeited his situation. - -[Illustration: - - THE MEMBERS OF A "CRACK" REGIMENT WILL BEHAVE IN A GALLANT AND DASHING - MANNER. -] - - - MAY. - THE DERBY.—OUR OWN PROPHECY. - -After the announcement of our prophetic intentions, the most thrilling -anxiety will doubtless exist in the sporting world, to know what we have -to say on this important subject. To oblige so large and so respectable -a class of our readers, we have given it our closest attention. - -The only matter of any importance connected with the Derby, we decline -saying anything about at all, is the name of the winner. This -comparatively slight reservation is made solely from a disinclination to -interfere with vested interests. - -On the great day, Members of Parliament will insist upon a holiday, -claiming it as their right as Britons. The Right Honourable Mr. Disraeli -will remark that it is all Race. - -The members of a crack regiment will amuse themselves on their return -from Epsom, by throwing brickbats, vitriol, &c. at the foot passengers. -The blame will be laid on a respectable stockbroker, who will be -imprisoned for the offence, the military gentlemen proving an _alibi_. A -weak-minded young ensign of the party having expressed some regret that -the innocent should suffer, and hinted that the real offenders ought to -give themselves up like men—will be cashiered, with a severe reprimand -from the commanding officer, for his want of _esprit de corps_ and true -gentlemanly feeling. - -Several shop tills and betting-office stools will be found vacant on -settling day. - -TURF MAXIM.—Never look a gift horse in the mouth without taking care of -your fingers. - -[Illustration: - - A NEW PICTURE WILL BE PURCHASED BY THE TRUSTEES OF THE NATIONAL - GALLERY FOR £40,000, AND WILL ATTRACT GREAT ATTENTION. -] - - - JUNE. - -Balloon ascents on a scale of peril hitherto unattempted will be the -features of this month. Madame Poitevin will go up from Cremorne Gardens -attached to the bottom of the car of the Globe Balloon by six penn'orth -of wafers only. The veteran Green, by the announcement of his 8000th -ascent, suspended by warranted unsafe cords, will prove that, in spite -of his vast age and experience, he is not yet old enough to know better. - -A gentleman from one of the East-end gardens will be indicted by the -Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals—for attempting an -ascent on a live donkey. The Magistrate will dismiss the case, very -properly, by sending both parties to the pound together. - -The principles of aërial navigation will not yet be discovered. A man of -consummate genius, however, will turn the invention of the balloon to -considerable account. He will hire one as a family residence in order to -dodge the Income Tax. He will send down ironical messages to the -commissioners by means of parachutes. - -The usual cheap excursion trips will commence for the season—the -competition between companies leading to still further reduction of -fares. Passengers will be booked through to Paris and back, first class -for eighteenpence (half the fare to be refunded in case of -sea-sickness); with the privilege of speaking to the man at the wheel; -hotel expenses for a week; the use of a courier; tickets for all the -balls at the Tuileries; instruction in the French language; the cross of -the Legion of Honour; and the right of smuggling. - - - JULY. - -[Illustration] - -The air being charged with electricity, all wives of well-regulated -minds will insist on their husbands promising not to ride in any omnibus -unprovided with a lightning conductor. - -The great demand for sherry-cobblers will completely exhaust the -metropolitan supply of straw. Livery-stable keepers will be driven to -singular expedients for the nocturnal accommodation of their lodgers. - -[Illustration] - -The demand for whitebait will be unusually brisk at Greenwich. - - - AUGUST. - -[Illustration] - -The wild sports of Smithfield market being abolished, there will be -comparatively little doing in the accident ward of St. Bartholomew's -Hospital. - -[Illustration] - -Not that it matters to your poor wife, but if you had the feelings of a -man, you might see that the dear children are dying for a little sea -air. - -You will naturally wish to prove that you have the feelings of a man, -and will treat the dear children to a little. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - -The thing is to keep your gold when you have got it: there are so many -unprincipled characters about the diggings. Winkinson, anxious to test -his powers of defending his life and property, visits a suspicious -neighbourhood after dark with two sovereigns in his pocket. - -[Illustration] - -By the way, if he doesn't start till next month, he will get out to -Australia in the most beautiful season of the year—and first impressions -are everything. Winkinson will make himself comfortable and devote a -month to his friends. - -[Illustration: - - A DISTINGUISHED PHILANTHROPIST WILL INSTITUTE A CHARITY FOR THE - PROVIDING OF DOGS IN HUMBLE CIRCUMSTANCES WITH MUZZLES. -] - - - JULY. - -July will be a very hot month. Several cases of hydrophobia will occur. -In each instance the dog will be killed as soon as he has bitten a -sufficient number of people to amount to a conviction. The theory of -prevention, by muzzling or chaining up, will be suggested by many -people, but will continue to be disregarded, as entirely opposed to the -spirit of the British Constitution. - -A terrible act of injustice will be committed. A very sensible dog -indeed will be killed as mad—for refusing to drink a drop of Thames -water. - -The Emperor Napoleon III. will issue a decree fixing the number of -dishes to be contained in the dinner of every Frenchman who, after so -many months of an enlightened and paternal government, may be able to -afford one; the quality of pomatum to be used for his whiskers; and the -number of antibilious pills he may take in the course of the week. - -The Humane Society will be very active. Baths and wash-houses will be -instituted for the benefit of individuals who may have been imprudent -enough to bathe in the Serpentine. - -M. Jullien will be engaged at the Surrey Zoological Gardens for a series -of _Concerts d'Eté_. The feature of the season will be an entirely new -set of quadrilles, entitled _Les Bêtes_, in which (in addition to the -usual performers) all the animals of the menagerie will be introduced. -It will make a very great noise indeed. As none of the animals will be -muzzled or chained up, several members of the orchestra may be expected -to make their last appearance on the occasion. - -[Illustration: - - IN CONSIDERATION OF THE EXTREME HEAT OF THE WEATHER, THE USUAL STRICT - DRESS REGULATIONS OF THE OPERA WILL BE SUSPENDED. -] - - - AUGUST. - -Several Parliamentary reporters will begin to let their moustaches grow, -from which the speedy close of the session may be expected. - -The metropolis will be threatened with a fearful amount of sickness. -Children, hitherto the models of rude health, will be discovered by -their anxious mammas to be looking pale. Husbands who never had a day's -illness in their lives (and are in the habit of boasting to that effect) -will be assured by their better halves that if they continue to stick so -closely to business, they will be dead in a month—and with so many -depending on them, they should show some regard for their precious -healths. They themselves (the poor wives) are used to suffering; but -even they would like to be spared for a short time, if only for the sake -of their families. It will also be discovered that, being out of town, -and having no appearance to keep up, you can live at the seaside for -next to nothing; so that it will be a downright saving. - -The heat of the weather will increase in intensity. Considerable -modifications of the national costume will be found necessary. The -fashions of the month (male) will be confined to a gauze shirt and a -pair of light crochet inexpressibles. - -An astute theatrical manager will pocket a considerable sum by -announcing—"Glorious unsuccess! Anything but crowded houses!! Not more -than three people in the pit!!!" Large numbers will flock to the -establishment in hopes of coolness and ventilation, and will be refused -their money back. - - - SEPTEMBER. - -One of our married readers will leave home for a couple of days' -shooting, promising faithfully to send his wife some birds. - -[Illustration] - -He will keep his promise faithfully. - -[Illustration] - -You will meet your Oxford Street tailor on the pier at Boulogne, but -will not recognise him, albeit the inefficacy of the British code on an -alien soil would enable you to do so with impunity. - - - OCTOBER. - -[Illustration] - -In the dearth of Parliamentary intelligence, the newspaper reader will -be startled by the appearance of an enormous gooseberry! - -[Illustration] - -He will, moreover, be interested in the remarkable longevity of three -old gentlemen resident in Stoke Pogis Workhouse, whose united ages -amount to 190 years; and in the singular coincidence of their all three -having been born in the same hemisphere. - -[Illustration] - -He will also be induced to remark upon the peculiar mildness of the -season. One of the phenomena attendant on which will be a shower of -frogs. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - -The fact is, Winkinson has been going it rather, and the idea of -commencing three months' voyage in such a shaky state is out of the -question. It isn't every day a man leaves his mother country, and when -there's no prospect of your seeing each other again for years, it is -certainly excusable. - -[Illustration] - -You must consider that Winkinson's grandmother brought him up, and in -the ordinary course of things she can't last long, and his farewell must -be a final one. It would be downright cruelty not to spend a month with -the old lady previous to his departure. - - - SEPTEMBER. - -Several genteel establishments will be closed, the blinds drawn down, -and the drawing-room furniture enveloped in brown holland. In answer to -inquiries, the visitor will be informed that the family has left town -for Baden-Baden, Palermo, the Continent, or Brighton. Baden-Baden is a -small watering-place on the coast of Kent, known to the inhabitants as -Ramsgate; Palermo is an adjacent settlement, familiarly termed Margate; -"the Continent" and "Brighton" are synonyms for the two-pair back, with -the use of the attics for sleeping apartments. - -The annual Scottish _fête_ will take place in Holland Park. Several -distinguished chieftains will appear in the national undress. An attempt -will be made by some energetic female missionaries to distribute Bloomer -tracts among the assembled Celts, and bring them to a sense of their -trouserless position—but will not be attended with any great success. In -order to eclipse the daring achievements of former years, a magnificent -prize will be offered to any Scot who will perform the herculean feat of -returning to his own country. There will be no candidates. - -All London being at the seaside, there will be a greater quantity of -donkeys seen on the sands of Brighton and Ramsgate than usual. -Speculators on the Chain Pier will realize large fortunes by letting out -telescopes to hire during the hours devoted to bathing by the ladies. - -On and before the 29th, the great question of Tenant Right will be set -at rest. The tenant, generally speaking, will remove his goods in the -night, and leave the key (not wishing to deprive the landlord of his -property) in the door. The tenant will be—_all_ Right! - -[Illustration: - - IT NEVER REIGNS BUT IT BORES. -] - -[Illustration: - - THE MOST INEXPLICABLE ATMOSPHERIC PHENOMENA WILL BE DISCOVERED BY A - DISTINGUISHED "SAVANT" ON HIS WAY HOME FROM A MEETING OF THE - SCIENTIFIC BODY TO WHICH HE BELONGS. -] - - - OCTOBER. - -A great many things will happen in October on various days of the month, -at different hours of the day, whose influence will be felt in numerous -quarters of the globe. Nothing, however, of sufficient importance to be -noticed in this department of our publication will take place. Should -anything of the kind inadvertently transpire, it shall be faithfully -noticed in our next number. We cannot possibly say fairer. - -The fact is, October is a very uninteresting month. It takes place at -the very slowest period of the year. It comes after the excitement of -quarter-day, and before we have begun to trouble ourselves about winter. -Nothing whatever is seasonable to it, as it belongs to no season -whatever. Nothing can be done with it, and anything will do for it. We -will therefore do nothing whatever. - - * * * * * - -THEATRICAL ANECDOTE (QUITE GOOD ENOUGH FOR OCTOBER).—We overheard a -stage-manager apply to a gentleman who was just going on to the stage to -represent the Ghost in "Hamlet," the singularly inappropriate -exhortation of "Now, then, old fellow, _look alive_!" - -APHORISM FOR EMIGRANTS WHO HAVE PAID THEIR PASSAGE-MONEY.—There is many -a slip between the tip and the ship. - - - NOVEMBER. - -[Illustration] - -One of the great National Theatres will be opened for the _débût_ of a -distinguished tragedian from the provinces. - -[Illustration] - -The dignitaries of St. Paul's Cathedral will avail themselves of the -rush of visitors on Lord Mayor's day to turn an honest penny. - -The most appropriate additions will be made to the Lord Mayor's -procession. - - - DECEMBER. - -[Illustration] - -The most elegant and appropriate objects will be suggested by -advertising shopkeepers as Christmas presents. - -[Illustration] - -An enthusiast for the manners and customs of his ancestors will burn the -Yule Log. - -[Illustration] - -An individual of great mechanical acquirements will fairly earn the -200_l._ offered by Messrs. Chubb, as a prize to any one who will open -one of their patent locks. - - * * * * * - -[Illustration] - -At last Winkinson has taken his passage, and got his luggage on board. -The ship starts at half-past four in the morning. This, however, is no -reason why he should not enjoy a parting glass with his friends, who -have come down from London on purpose to see him off. - -[Illustration] - -All things considered, Winkinson is very comfortable where he is, and -doesn't think he'll go. - -[Illustration: - - ON THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER, A GROSS INSULT WILL BE OFFERED TO A - GENTLEMAN SUFFERING FROM INFLUENZA. - - _Servant Girl_ (_loq._) "If you please, sir, here's some boys at the - door want to know if you'll be good enough to remember the poor - Guy." -] - - - NOVEMBER. - -We candidly confess that we are again somewhat thrown back in our -prophecies—November being generally a month in which it is difficult to -see your way clearly. - -We have not, however, entirely lost our way. On the 5th, all foreign -refugees wearing beards and extraordinary hats will find that England -does not offer that safe asylum from persecution they had been led to -imagine. They had better keep out of the way, for fear of being -arrested, or, as the familiar Saxon expresses it, "smugged," in order -that political and religious intolerance may be displayed in the most -awful Guys! The wearers of ponchos, tartans, wide-awakes, and railway -rugs, will incur similar perils. - -A calamitous fire will take place in the pocket of a young gentleman who -has incautiously been entrusted with sixpence, which he has laid out in -squibs. The young gentleman will be very much put out indeed. - -There will be a heavy fog on the 9th. The guardian angel of London will -kindly throw a veil over the metropolis, so as to conceal as much as -possible a pageant calculated to give a very contemptible idea of city -intelligence. - - * * * * * - -HIGH WATER AT LONDON BRIDGE IN NOVEMBER may be ascertained by -calculating the cubic space occupied by the thousands who are induced by -the national complaint of the spleen to throw themselves into the river -during this dispiriting month.—_From a French Serious Almanack._ - - - DECEMBER. - -This month will be characterized by the general issuing of dinner -invitations to dine all classes, exclusive of those to whom a dinner is -really an object. - -On Christmas Eve, Watkins will bring several friends home with him to -partake of egg-flip, assuring them that he always makes egg-flip on -Christmas Eve, because his father did so before him, and there is -nothing like keeping up those good old customs. The egg-flip will be -made—its component parts being table beer, gin, butter, eggs, sugar, -nutmeg, and other bilious materials. The friends will be compelled to -drink an immense quantity of it, and, when quite ill, will be dismissed -by the host calling on Heaven to bless them, and wishing them a merry -Christmas. The friends will think Watkins the best fellow in the world, -and not see for a moment the bitter mockery of his parting wish. - -The Sowster family will spend Christmas Day admirably. Old Sowster likes -to have all his family about him on this occasion, that they may be -cheerful and united, without the interference of strangers, at least -once a year. He will go to sleep immediately after dinner, and not wake -up till supper time. Jack and Bob Sowster, disgusted at having had to -refuse so many nice invitations, because the old boy insisted on it, -will sulk for the whole day. The Misses Sowster will pick quarrels with -them, having nobody else's brothers to talk to in a more agreeable -manner. - -Other people will spend Christmas in a more jovial and agreeable manner. -We will for one; and we are sure that the intelligent reader, holding -this volume in his (or her) hand, will for another. - - - MORE RAILWAY ASSURANCE, - -We have received official information respecting a new bill about to be -brought into Parliament, for the protection of Railway Companies. The -following are among the clauses enacted:— - - That the directors of any company announcing the departure of a - train at any particular time, may start it an hour later—or two - hours earlier—or when they like—or not at all. - - That trains announced to contain third-class carriages shall consist - exclusively of first-class carriages; and that any passengers made - to wait by these arrangements, shall be compelled to pay for the use - of the waiting-room. - - That it shall be legal for the officials of any company to stop a - train when half-way towards its destination, and refuse to take the - passengers on till they have paid their fares over again—in which - case the engine-driver need not proceed unless it suits him. - - That in case of collisions, all injury done to the line, carriages, - &c. shall be made good by the passengers—the train having been run - for their accommodation. In case of fatal accidents, the directors - may come upon the representatives of the deceased parties for - damages, as compensation for the loss of traffic likely to be caused - by the report of such unpleasant affairs. - - That no passenger shall exercise any control whatever over his own - luggage; and that no director, chairman, station-master, policeman, - guard, porter, engine-driver, or stoker in any of the companies' - employ, shall be responsible for anything whatever. - - - AN AUSTRALIAN ECLOGUE. - - "The Pastoral, as a feature in English poetry, has long ceased to - exist. The Arcadian characteristics, however, of our Australian - colonies—recently brought to light—afford every excuse for its - revival. Pope says something very clever about pastorals in - connection with Theocritus, for which see his works, and find out - the passage, if possible. A great many other writers have alluded to - the same subject."—(_See_ _British Museum Catalogue_, Vol. 1 to - 398.) - - BUGGINS. - - HAIL, gentle shepherd! thou whose only care - Has been, for so much by the month or share, - To tend the playful flock through plain and thicket— - (Of course, I mean since you obtained your ticket)— - And ne'er with sorrow moaned along the vale: - I beg your pardon, shepherd, I said "hail!" - - MUGGINS. - - Shepherd, you did; you needn't speak so loud; - You seem to be of your distresses proud, - And take of me a most mistaken view; - But stop a minute—have some kangaroo? - - BUGGINS. - - Shepherd, I thank you; take a pinch of snuff. - I'm somewhat peckish, though it's rather tough. - A little mustard—what you had to say— - I'm all attention—shepherd, fire away! - - MUGGINS. - - No swain more sad than I in all the run - (I hope you like the settlement)—not one! - Not that I pine for wealth or cities' din, - Or at the distance we've to go for gin: - Peaceful my lot—the frugal damper cakes - That simple-hearted Amaryllis bakes, - Season'd with pickled pork, my wants supply; - And calmly on my cow-skin couch I lie; - But for the thought—shepherd, I'm overcome— - Have you a case about you with some rum? - - BUGGINS. - - Shepherd, I drank the last a week ago, - In desperate attempts to drown my woe; - But while I polish off this kangaroo, - Tell me your dismal story—shepherd, do! - - MUGGINS. - - In distant London, leagues beyond the sea, - I was policeman Six, division B. - - BUGGINS. - - Oh, mighty Jove! I, too, was in the force— - A Twenty-One—you've heard of me, of course? - - MUGGINS. - - Familiar to mine ear the number sounds; - In Bedford Square I went my nightly rounds. - - BUGGINS. - - For years was Buggins known upon a beat - In the vicinity of Baker Street. - - MUGGINS. - - I loved a maid—a housemaid—Mary Ann— - They kept a page, three females, and a man. - - BUGGINS. - - I loved a housemaid, too—Matilda Jane— - A noble-hearted girl, though rather plain. - - MUGGINS. - - Would that were all my sorrowing heart might tell; - I loved a cook—Jemima Briggs!—as well. - - BUGGINS. - - Not you alone such double pangs must brook— - I too have known what 'tis to love a cook. - - MUGGINS. - - You know not yet what pangs my bosom tear— - I loved eight nursemaids in the self-same square. - - BUGGINS. - - Hearts too for me with mutual throb would beat, - In every other house in Baker Street. - - MUGGINS. - - Can Baker Street's cold western claims compare - With the staunch genial worth of Bedford Square? - - BUGGINS. - - Could vulgar Bedford venture to compete - With the gentility of Baker Street? - - MUGGINS. - - We needn't have a row—it's not worth while; - Let's test the question in the ancient style: - Let each in glowing terms, and decent grammar, - (As far as possible)—the praises clamour - Of the lost Paradise for which he sticks - Up as the champion; and we'll see which licks. - I'll back my Bedford Square at two to one - In bobs against your Baker Street—say done? - - BUGGINS. - - Done! But a question the arrangement shakes: - Where can a cove be found to hold the stakes? - - MUGGINS. - - Lo, Coorabundy comes! a native nigger— - He shall decide who cuts the ablest figure. - - (COORABUNDY _is installed as umpire_.) - - Shepherd, begin, and do the best you can. - And don't exasperate the _h_ in Hann. - - BUGGINS. - - What heav'n-born rapture, unalloy'd by pain, - Like eating drumsticks grill'd by 'Tilda Jane, - Except the something warm which fate allots, - Mix'd by the practised hand of Sairey Potts. - - MUGGINS. - - Prince Albert's cook—not he nor any man's— - Makes scallop'd oysters such as Mary Ann's: - A delicacy which I may say tops - Jemima Briggs's way of doing chops. - - BUGGINS. - - Ann Jinks, the very best of all the set, - Would bring me out my supper in the wet; - Many a time I've took it in the airy, - Getting my beer from Number Nine's maid—Mary. - - MUGGINS. - - I've had green peas in May from Thompson's Charlotte; - And beans as well, both French and common scarlet. - Rather than me (though Thompson _was_ a snarler), - She'd let them go without things in the parlour. - - BUGGINS. - - When "grass" was selling at a pound a bunch, - Susan has cook'd me all there was for lunch: - Risking to say it must have been the cat— - Fancy a girl who'd go as far as that. - - MUGGINS. - - Jemima, when we took our walks in town, - Always put on her missis's best gown. - - BUGGINS. - - Louisa, knowing how quick linen dirts, - Gave me a dozen of her master's shirts. - - MUGGINS. - - Selina's savings kept me for a year, - In skittles, gin-and-water, pipes and beer. - - COORABUNDY. - - (_Rousing himself from a lethargy - into which he has fallen_), - - You two big fools—you talkee here all night; - Black fellow got de stakes—him hold 'em tight. - - (_He decamps with the proceeds._) - - - A FAMILY EPISTLE, - FROM A CHINESE EMIGRANT TO HIS WIFE. - - _See plate (improved willow pattern) opposite._ - - KA-LEE-FOE-NEE, 8019th Summer of the Empire. - Feast of Con-fut-zee. - - BELOVED TEE-TEE, - -According to my promise, oh, apple of my eye! I dip my brush in the -ink-dish of love, to communicate my adventures in the land of the -barbarian. Tee-Tee! think not I have forgotten thee—nor yet that it was -those little domestic differences (which I look upon as gnats in the -bright sunshine of our wedded happiness) which made me join that -tremendous movement—now threatening the Celestial Empire with -depopulation—and presenting to the imagination the terrible possibility -of the Brother of the Sun and Moon (may his stomach extend!) being -compelled to brush out his own pigtail! - -Blame me not for leaving thee in the night secretly. I could not have -borne a parting. I know thy love for me is such that, hadst thou known -my intention, thou wouldst have become frantic—and I should have been -quite overcome. My heart failed me as I stole past thy bedchamber door -on tiptoe; my shins quivered with emotion when I thought of thy tiny -gold-shodden foot; my cheek burned as thy delicate hand seemed to press -against it; and when I pictured to myself thy long and graceful nails, I -was as a man without eyes! - -Enough, oh, Tee-Tee! This comes hoping you are quite well, as it leaves -me at present—Fo be praised for the same! - -Our labours have not yet been crowned with success. I speak not of the -vulgar seeking after gold—to which motives the opponents of progress and -light have basely attributed the Great Chinese Emigration Movement which -has shaken the barbarian world to its foundation. Thou knowest better. -If thou dost not, after all I have told thee, all I can say is that it -is just like thee, for a stupid obstinate mule as thou art. - -Our mission was to civilize the whiskered and shirt-collared heathen. -The light of wisdom had been too long concealed from the outer world by -the Great Wall. Thou mayst remark it was odd we never thought of -civilizing them till we heard of their finding gold—gold limitless as -the glories of the empire! here and in their other settlement of -Aus-tra-lee-ah. - -Such a remark, oh, Tee-Tee! would be just about as sensible as thy -remarks usually are. - -It was because the barbarians had found this gold they stood in need of -our assistance more than ever. Could such people be expected to know the -use of wealth; I ask—could they? And as for once in my life in -addressing thee, I can have all the talk to myself—without waiting for -thy doubtless illogical reply—I answer, No, they couldn't. - -[Illustration: - - _An Exraordinary Movement in China—or an alteration in "The Willow - Pattern"—at last!!_ -] - -It became our duty, at all hazards, to teach them. We resolved, even at -the pain of leaving our homes and wives (it's no use thy getting into a -passion, oh, Tee-Tee!), to go forth amongst them, and accept the -presents of gold and treasures they would doubtless be too glad to lay -at our feet, in exchange for that intellectual wealth which we alone are -capable of dealing out with a layish hand. At any rate we could prevent -their doing much mischief—by taking the treasures from them. - -But they are such a set of fools! - -Our words of wisdom they receive with mocking laughter, or by calling on -their idols to send down curses on our eyes and limbs. So ignorant are -they, that they have no fear of the Emperor before their eyes; and tell -us, if we want gold we must dig for it. - -And this is our reward! Of course digging, for a true-souled Chinaman, -is out of the question. In the first place, we should have to cut our -nails. In the second place, we should have to exert ourselves. In the -third place, one process indispensable to the work of gold-seeking is -called washing—a revolting idea! - -The result is, that did we not, in our superior wisdom, know the value -of rat and puppy (which the barbarians despise), the chop-sticks of your -Poo Poo and his companions would be unoccupied. - -We are not alone, however, in our misfortunes. There are several men -here of a superior tribe—which I think I have heard called Dan-dees—who, -like ourselves, have been trained in the ways of wisdom, to despise mere -physical labour, and think only of Man's superiority as evidenced in -their own persons; who came like ourselves, expecting to be received -with rich gifts and open arms by the drudging savages, whose wilderness -they had condescended to enlighten by their presence. These men are -reviled and neglected because they do not like to soil their hands—and -have never learnt to do anything! - -My paper is out; and as, I dare say, thou hast already forgotten me, and -taken up with that atrocious rascal, Tom Tom—to whom thou wilt probably -hand this letter for a pipe-light, without having even looked at it—I -need add no more than the signature of the unfortunate - - POO POO. - -[Illustration: - - TRAY AND THE DEUCE. -] - - - THE CHANGE IN THE WEATHER. - - "Well, what do you think of the Weather?" - - (_Smith, whom we meet frequently._) - -The English, climate, so long considered a capital joke, is becoming a -very serious matter. They were not Dog-Days last summer; they were -Hyæna, Kangaroo, Elephant, Boa-Constrictor days. - -If so unnatural a state of things is to be repeated, England will no -longer occupy her present position in the world. She will be somewhere -else. There will be no place like home. Home itself will not bear the -slightest resemblance to it. We shall be all abroad—every British child -will be born a foreigner. - -Nationality will be at an end. With the loss of our climate, on which -the British Constitution so closely depends, it is impossible that we -should continue to be the same people. - -What will avail the boast that Britons never never shall be slaves, when -there is such an immediate likelihood of their becoming niggers? - -Our isolated position makes the prospect all the more alarming. The -country must be in a continual state of hot water. - -The Comic is not, strictly speaking, a Weather Almanack. Still the heat -of last summer made us so uncomfortable (we do not mean merely in a -physical sense), that we thought it our duty to inquire into the matter. -We have, therefore, condescended on this occasion to look into futurity -with a weather eye, of which we hasten to present the reader with a few -"shoots,"—such, we believe, being the term usually applied to the -natural emanations from the eyes of a Murphy. - -We regret to say our worst fears have been confirmed. The page in the -Book of Destiny that has been opened to our inspection is closely -printed, and presents the aspect of a number of the _Times_, dated -August 2nd, 1980. We leave our readers to form their own opinions on the -following extracts:— - - THE WEATHER AND THE CROPS.—The season continues to be unusually - backward. The plantains in the neighbourhood of Wolverhampton have - scarcely passed the flower. The cotton fields, however, of the West - Riding are in a healthy condition—several trees being already in - pod. It is feared that there will be a great loss in consequence of - the dearth of labourers. It is true that immigration from Iceland, - Nova Zembla, and the manufacturing countries generally, continues to - a great extent; but nothing can atone for the impossibility of - arousing the native slave population to exertion. The prospects of - sugar are far from satisfactory, the siroccos of the last month - having completely devastated the plantations—the canes on Clapham - Common present a disastrous spectacle! The bread-fruit trees on - Blackheath promise an abundant supply of half-quarterns. - -[Illustration: - - "_Taking care of Number One_"—_or_— - - _A Gentleman endeavouring to keep "Number One"—_out_ of "S^t. Paul's - Church Yard"_ -] - - FRIGHTFUL ACCIDENT.—On Wednesday last, Mr. Edward Jackson, landlord - of the "Cocoa-Nut," Tottenham Court Road, having had the imprudence - to bathe in the Serpentine, was attacked by a ferocious alligator, - who devoured both his legs so as to make amputation, we regret to - say, unnecessary. - - ENORMOUS PALM CABBAGE.—A gigantic specimen of this national plant - grown in the open air by a native slave named Higgins, in the little - garden attached to his shanty, was exhibited on Tuesday at the - meeting of the Agricultural Society. It measured six feet in - circumference, and weighed twenty-three pounds four ounces. A medal - was awarded to the grower, and was accepted by the Rajah Simpson, - his owner, whose family subsequently dined off the cabbage, - expressing themselves highly gratified. - - SPORTING INTELLIGENCE.—His Majesty's elephants threw off yesterday - from Richmond Park at four o'clock in the morning (the absurd - old-world custom of sporting and transacting business in the heat of - the day having, we are happy to say, exploded among the intelligent - classes); a fine tiger was scented in the jungles of Slave Common, - and soon broke cover. The run was a short one. "Puss" was brought to - bay among the bamboos of Isleworth swamp, and speared by Coolies - Walker and Smithers (eating, by the way, a considerable portion of - the latter). His Majesty was in at the death, and returned to tiffin - at 8 A.M. - - HEALTH OF THE METROPOLIS.—The deaths in the metropolis during the - last week, as certified by the Registrar-General, are as follows:— - - Yellow Fever 1640 - - Black do 870 - - Green do 651 - - Ague 923 - - Coup de Soleil 130 - - Eaten by personal acquaintances (cannibalism being, we regret 24 - to say, rather on the increase among the benighted lower - orders) - - Eaten by savage animals, stung by reptiles (including a family 18 - of six in Judd Street, devoured by the house tiger, who had - broken his chain, and was unfortunately not muzzled), &c. - - Influenza (old English complaint) almost obsolete 1 - - ———— - - Total 4257 - - ———— - - Altogether a most satisfactory return, showing a marked improvement - since last week. - - - THE MONSTER SWEEP. - -We beg to propound the following question for the consideration of the -members of the Peace Society. Is the Cannon who has lately created such -a sensation in London, one they would like to see _let off_? - - - ELECTION INTELLIGENCE, - WITH THE RIGHTS OF WOMEN RECOGNISED. - - (_For which the Ladies are referred to Mr. Cruikshank's charming - picture of the Future._) - -SIR CHARLES DARLING (the Ladies' Candidate), presented himself on the -hustings amidst a general waving of handkerchiefs, and spoke as -follows:— - -Ladies and—(with a smile)—need I say gentlemen? (Titters and "Droll -creature!") I think not. Gallantry forbids my recognising their -existence—in any light other than as the devoted slaves of that divine -sex, of whom I am proud to esteem myself the humblest. (Cries of "How -nice!") - -Ladies, then, angels, goddesses ("Oh!" from an elderly bachelor, who was -removed by the police), for the thrilling position in which I am placed, -how can I be sufficiently grateful to that glorious reform in our -electoral system, which has partially recognised the true position of -lovely woman? ("Partially!" in a tone of sarcasm, from a member of Mr. -Screwdriver's committee). My honourable and _gallant_ friend objects to -the adverb. I say _partially_, for by admitting the ladies to the -Franchise _with_ the gentlemen, they are but recognised as _equals_, -instead of _superiors_. (Great sensation.) Yes, ladies, and it shall be -my earnest endeavours as your representative ("Yah!" and "Not yet!" from -Mr. Screwdriver). My honourable and _gallant_ friend observes "Not yet." -It is true I have a formidable rival to contend with. The charms of his -person, (screams, and "the Old Fright!") his known politeness, above all -his taste in dress (here the laughter and clapping of kid gloves -rendered the speaker inaudible for some moments)—compared with such -claims, mine are worthless ("Do listen!" and "The Duck!"), extending no -farther than a willingness, I may say a downright anxiety, to die in the -cause of the fair creatures, who, I believe I may say, have done me the -honour to elect me as their champion ("Yes! Yes!") With the ladies' -voices in my favour, I believe I need not fear those of the gentlemen -being exerted against me. (Cries of "We should like to see them," "Speak -up, Alfred, do," "I'm ashamed of you," &c.) I thank you, gentlemen—or -rather I do not thank you; I honour you for your—may I say obedience? -("Oh yes!" in a rapturous tone, from the engaged gentlemen), though, -after all, I don't see how you were to help yourselves. (Great applause, -and numerous bouquets thrown.) - -The Honourable Mrs. Poser stepped forward, and begged to be allowed to -address a few questions to the candidate. - -_Mrs. Poser._ What are Sir Charles's views with regard to the existing -Excise regulations? - -_Sir Charles._ My first measure will be to bring in a bill legalizing -the smuggling of laces and French ribbons. (Rapturous cheering.) - -_A Voice._ About the Sanitary Movement? - -Sir Charles thought every family should leave town at the end of the -season. It was his opinion, that all husbands paying the income tax -should be compelled to take their wives and children to the seaside for -the autumn months. It should have his earliest attention. In answer to -another speaker, he considered that Assembly-rooms should be maintained -in every town by the public purse. - -_Mrs. Poser._ What Foreign Policy will you advocate? - -Sir Charles would advocate peace with France at all hazards, that -nothing might endanger the immediate importation of Parisian fashions. -(_Cheers and bouquets._) - -_A Young Lady._ About the Army? - -_Sir Charles._ I am for keeping up a standing army, to consist entirely -of regiments of horse-guards, composed exclusively of officers. -(_Immense sensation._) - -_Mrs. Poser._ I should like to hear your intentions as to the tobacco -duties. - -_Sir Charles._ To prohibit the importation and cultivation of that -objectionable plant altogether, so that there may be no more smoking. - -A show of parasols was demanded, and Sir Charles Darling was declared -duly elected. - - - SCRAP FROM A NEW "SEASONS." - BY THOMPSON, OF THE LONDON DAILY PRESS GENERALLY.[11] - - * * * * * - And now September comes, and Parliament - Hears, and obeys, for once, the nation's cry, - By "shutting up" at last. Forth to the moors - Hies the tir'd senator: his high-born dame, - Seeking her rustic bower, entertains - A most select and fashionable circle. - Now stares the peasant at the season's strange - Ethereal mildness! Not a hundred miles - From the secluded village where we write - (Small worth its humble name), the troubled sky - Pours down in wrath a mystic show'r of frogs! - Bewilder'd fly the scared inhabitants, - Of whom the Oldest fails to recollect - A like phenomenon! Now erst are seen - Enormous gooseberries—— - * * * * * - -Footnote 11: - - The amount paid for this short contribution may be ascertained by a - simple process of linear enumeration—and reference to the pence table. - - - FULL DRESS. - - "There was a sound of revelry by night," - (In fact the neighbours couldn't sleep a wink) - Mingled with that of double knocks, and slight - Remarks from coachmen, overcome with drink, - Not indispensable to our narration, - And totally unfit for publication. - - There came a knock—a double-treble rap, - That startled all the square from its propriety, - Made Fanny Thompson scream and cling, - To Captain Smith (the artful thing!) - As in a _deux temps_ round they flew, - (The _Prima Donna_, best of the variety); - Shook the gold oats in Lady Boozle's cap; - Sent Charley Finch in Lucy Lightfoot's lap, - (The rogue had stayed there, but he knew - The folks would talk—quite proper too); - Checked Jeames in an upstair-ward rush, - And with a tray of lemonade, - Fantastic maps of England made - Upon his whilom spotless plush. - (He was discharged next day for insobriety)— - Made Croop revoke; - Brown's only joke, - Arrested ere 'twas said; - His only chance that ev'ning dish'd, - Oh! how he wish'd - To punch that brazen-knocker's lion head. - - The circling throng, - Stooping to catch Miss Jenny Linnet's song— - The feeble quavers heard no more. - The knock had quite upset them all, - Sing, Jenny, more than ever small! - In vain thy chirping notes outpour; - Gone is thy light of other days, - One chorus now all voices raise - Of "Who dat knocking at de door?" - - "Who can it be? - It must be somebody of some pretension:" - All flock to see - The Great Announced, or hear the footman mention - The name of one, whose birth or prosp'rous dealings - Have given him the true patrician right - Of disregarding other people's feelings. - "A city knight? - -[Illustration: - - _Will you be—our Vis à Vis?_—— -] - - A peer—a minister—a pure Caucasian, - Who has contrived to solve the myst'ry Asian, - Of gaining millions to downright satiety? - The Smythsons see extremely good society!" - - The fever waxes hotter, - When enter James, - Who coldly names— - "Mr. and Mrs. Trotter." - - Each grey-beard thinks himself a boy again, - And feels inclined to bellow, "Ah-bal-loon!" - Two strange round figures up the staircase strain, - Each like a Lord-Rosse telescopic moon; - With difficulty is the doorway pass'd. - Come! Mrs. Smythson's rooms are full at last. - - Full! there's no moving—Mrs. Trotter's skirt - Covers the whole saloon, and Trotter's tie, - (Which Jones—that very oddest fish— - Says is a tie that he could wish - Had bound the Trotter to his home) - In rigid folds on either side - A yard away, and quite as wide, - In search of mischief seems to roam— - With menaced hurt, - Mutely advising each to mind his eye. - - And Trotter's sleeve! - Each sleeve would hold two Trotters and a half in it: - One might believe - He'd had it made to hide himself and laugh in it; - And of his pantaloons, the spacious work - Would stamp him as the extra great Grand Turk, - But (what might cause _that_ theory to totter) - No harem of the grandest kind - Could be constructed room to find - For _two_ sultanas such as Mrs. Trotter. - - On! sweeping all - Before them like the hay in time of mowing, - Upsetting chairs and tables in the way; - The ornaments, by Mrs. T.'s _bouquet_ - (Of peonies and dahlias all a-blowing) - Brush'd from the mantelpieces, fall; - The fiddlers into corners crouch; - The guests away in dudgeon slouch, - As from the hunter's spear shrink otters, - Impalement on the tie of Trotter fearing— - Into back rooms and closets disappearing. - The halls are empty, Empty—pshaw! - Fill'd—as a new-dined turkey's craw, - By the triumphant and expansive Trotters. - - "Now really, Trotter" (Smythson from the door— - He couldn't enter), "tell me what this means. - I'm glad to see you—no one could be more; - But still in good society—these scenes— - You're a good fellow—no one could be better— - I know how very deeply I'm your debtor; - Still, you ought not— - You know that I invited you (I told you) - Purely from the esteem in which I hold you; - And as a wish to come your wife express'd, - I couldn't well refuse; but still, this jest—" - Says Trotter, "What?" - - "What? why, my guests are going, every one." - "My eyes," says Trotter, "is the game all finished? - Well, blow me! there's been precious little fun—" - "It isn't that—'tis you who have diminished - The evening's pleasure." "We! well, that's a droll 'un; - We as come here resolved to go the whole 'un—" - - "But think—so strangely dress'd! - Yourself a full-sail'd ship—your wife St. Paul's,— - A little _outré_, it must be confess'd—" - "Well, I'll be blest!" - Exclaim'd the wondering Trotter, "but I calls - That out-and-out. D'ye mean to say that this is - Wot ain't the reg'lar thing? Just hear him, missis! - After the many hog, bull, bob, and tanner - We've spent to get puffed out in this here manner! - It's his own words—I'll keep him to it! - Didn't you say we couldn't come unless - We came togg'd out in regular FULL DRESS? - What—yes? - _Well, then, we thought we'd do it._" - - - A GREAT MISTAKE. - -To suppose that the American heroes, planning the Lone Star expedition -against Cuba, have any deeply-rooted antipathy to SPANISH. - -[Illustration: - - _A Pack of Knaves, or A "Packed" meeting of the "Knowing Cards" of the - Betting-Shop interest to consider & adopt the best Shuffling Tricks - to carry on their Game! A humble attempt in the "Pre Raphael" Style - by George Cruikshank._ -] - - - MYSTERIES OF PARIS, - TOTALLY UNEXPLAINED, BY A REGULAR BRITON. - -In the first place, I should like to know what they mean by wearing -those enormous fur hats? They may be an intelligent people. All I know -is—I never saw such a set of muffs as they look in all my life. And such -tight trousers! reducing the legs of Young France to next to nothing, -and presenting an appearance of top-heaviness that is absolutely -uncomfortable to contemplate. They talk of their stable government! The -heads of the nation could never have been in a more tottering condition -than they seem now—and I don't see how things can possibly go on long on -such a slender footing. - -Why should such a difference exist between the civil and military -states? I have heard a great deal of the admirable discipline of the -French army; but in a great many regiments there appears to be no -recognisable head worth speaking of. Quite the contrary. Are we indeed -to believe the scandal that all the boasted cares and energies of the -saviours of France have only been directed to the basest ends? - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -[Illustration] - -This is the baker! The circular article he holds in his right hand is a -loaf! So is the longitudinal ditto in his left! I am at a loss to -account for the singular expedients resorted to by the French for making -their bread. It is true that one species possesses the great -recommendation, to the heads of families, of going a very long way. But, -on the contrary, the other is a description of food which the smallest -child could get through in no time. - -This gentleman is supposed to be conducting himself in this remarkable -manner from an excess of enjoyment and high spirits; the French, -generally, being supposed to be a gay and light-hearted people. Does a -close inspection of the expression of the gentleman's countenance, in -the height of his hilarity, warrant either supposition? Would it not -rather be thought that he is performing a terrible act of penance for -some sin that can never be wholly expiated? - -[Illustration] - -They have policemen in Paris, I suppose. Indeed I know they have. Why, -then, is so strong a detachment of the military necessary to conduct -that little boy to prison? Is it that the civil officers are less to be -trusted with a service of danger than our own gallant Blues, or that -juvenile delinquency exists in France to an extent unknown in our -favoured clime? - -[Illustration: - - Who is _he_, I wonder!!! -] - -I should like to know why the French can't allow their trees to grow as -they like, instead of cropping and clipping them, like so many whiskers -on the face of Nature. These singular-looking ter-restrial spheres, -planted in square tubs, in the Luxembourg Gardens, I am told are -orange-trees. Very good. Their resemblance to oranges is certainly -striking. I should be happy to accept their appropriate rotundity as a -precedent for the invariable rule (as having an instructive tendency), -but that, on inspection, I do not find the neighbouring groves to -consist of pear-trees as, judging from appearances, I was induced to -imagine. - -[Illustration] - -The French, I am told, down to the lowest grades of society, are -proverbial for their gallantry and consideration for the fair sex. -Appearances are certainly deceptive; but there is no trusting to them in -Paris. For instance, these individuals, I have ascertained, belong to -the class _ouvrier_:— - -[Illustration] - -To avoid the slightest mistake, I have hunted up the dictionary meaning -of that word. I find it to be _homme qui travaille—industriel_. - -[Illustration] - -They are certainly a strange race. How anybody can sleep, with gentlemen -parading the streets about a hundred at a time, before daybreak, and -continuing their what's-his-name's tattoo every ten minutes, is a -puzzler. - -[Illustration] - -How anybody can sleep with _these_ gentlemen—is another question! - - - HARMLESS ACCOMPANIMENT TO MR. CRUIKSHANK'S - PLATE ON THE OPPOSITE PAGE. - -A friend of ours (had we been writing in the last century, we should -have said a wag), was expressing himself in terms of the highest -indignation with, or rather without, respect to his shoe-maker for -presuming to emigrate to Australia, on the pitiful plea that he (our -friend) was the only customer he had left. We remarked that we could see -nothing reprehensible in his conduct—especially as all his former -patrons had deserted him. "What are his former patrons to me?" exclaimed -our friend; "I am the only one remaining to him—and a cobbler _ought to -stick to his last_." - -We laughed. Gentle reader, drop a smile if you can possibly manage it. - -[Illustration: - - "_There's Nothing like Leather_"— -] - - - WANTED, A DIBDIN. - APPLY TO THE FIRST LORD OF THE ADMIRALTY. - -We hear a great deal of the prevalence of discontent in the navy. It is -said that the sailors are constantly grumbling at the way they are -treated, in the matter of unwholesome food and unsafe ships. - -A great many suggestions have been offered as to the best remedy for -this evil. Some weak-minded practical persons have proposed fresh -provisions and new ships. - -We propose a DIBDIN! - -It is a notorious fact, that the late Charles Dibdin, during the war, -did the State great service by his sea songs, which had the effect of -persuading the British sailor that fighting was a very jolly thing; that -Frenchmen ought to (and might easily) be exterminated; and that all the -unpleasantness of a tempest might be satisfactorily overcome by climbing -up into the rigging and thinking of an absent Sue or Polly. - -Why not employ a competent person to do something of the same kind in -the present day? It would be much better to reconcile the British seaman -to existing hardship, than to encourage a mutinous and dissatisfied -spirit. Of course, we put removing the difficulty out of the question, -as totally opposed to all precedent. - -We annex a specimen or two of the sort of thing on which the proposed -salt-water laureate might be advantageously employed. - - Go, patter to lubbers and swabs, do you see, - About dainties, and stews, and the like— - A chunk of salt horse and some biscuit give me, - And it isn't at maggots I'll strike. - Avast! and don't think me a milksop so soft, - To be taken by trifles aback, - What would turn a fine gentleman's nose up aloft - Will be quite good enough for poor Jack. - -Or in this style:— - - Come all ye jolly sailors bold, - Who life as next to nothing hold, - While English glory I unfold, - Huzza for the Arethusa! - She is a frigate quite used up, - Leaky and cracked as an old tea-cup - Her sides are thin, - And the rot's got in; - So if your dauntless pluck you'd show - Now is your time a cruise to go - On board of the Arethusa - - - THE VULTURE: - AN ORNITHOLOGICAL STUDY. - AFTER THE LATE EDGAR A. POE. - - The Vulture is the most cruel, deadly, and voracious of birds of - prey. He is remarkable for his keen scent, and for the tenacity with - which he invariably clings to the victim on whom he has fixed his - gripe. He is not to be shaken off whilst the humblest pickings - remain. He is usually to be found in an indifferent state of - feather.—_New Translation of Cuvier._ - -[Illustration] - - Once upon a midnight chilling, as I held my feet unwilling - O'er a tub of scalding water, at a heat of ninety-four; - Nervously a toe in dipping, dripping, slipping, then outskipping, - Suddenly there came a ripping, whipping, at my chambers door. - "'Tis the second floor," I mutter'd, "flipping at my chambers door— - Wants a light—and nothing more!" - - Ah! distinctly I remember, it was in the chill November, - And each cuticle and member was with influenza sore; - Falt'ringly I stirr'd the gruel, steaming, creaming o'er the fuel, - And anon removed the jewel that each frosted nostril bore, - Wiped away the trembling jewel that each redden'd nostril bore— - Nameless here for evermore! - - And I recollect a certain draught that fann'd the window curtain - Chill'd me, fill'd me with the horror of two steps across the floor, - And, besides, I'd got my feet in, and a most refreshing heat in, - To myself I sat repeating—"If I answer to the door— - Rise to let the ruffian in who seems to want to burst the door, - I'll be ——" that and something more. - - Presently the row grew stronger; hesitating then no longer, - "Really, Mister Johnson, blow it!—your forgiveness I implore, - Such an observation letting slip, but when a man's just getting - Into bed, you come upsetting nerves and posts of chambers door, - Making such a row, forgetting"—Spoke a voice beyond the door: - "'Tisn't Johnson"—nothing more. - - - Quick a perspiration clammy bathed me, and I uttered "Dammy!" - (Observation wrested from me, like the one I made before) - Back upon the cushions sinking, hopelessly my eyes, like winking, - On some stout for private drinking, ranged in rows upon the floor, - Fix'd—and on an oyster barrel (full) beside them on the floor, - Look'd and groan'd, and nothing - more. - - Open then was flung the portal, and in stepp'd a hated mortal, - By the moderns call'd a VULTURE (known as _Sponge_ in days of yore), - Well I knew his reputation! cause of all my agitation— - Scarce a nod or salutation changed, he pounced upon the floor; - Coolly lifted up the oysters and some stout from off the floor, - Help'd himself, and took some - more.' - -[Illustration] - - Then this hungry beast untiring fix'd his gaze with fond admiring - On a piece of cold boil'd beef I meant to last a week or more, - Quick he set to work devouring—plates, in quick succession, scouring— - Stout with every mouthful show'ring—made me ask, to see it pour, - If he quite enjoy'd his supper, as I watch'd the liquid pour; - Said the Vulture, "Never - more." - -[Illustration] - - Much disgusted at the spacious _vacuum_ by this brute voracious - Excavated in the beef—(he'd eaten quite enough for four)— - Still, I felt relief surprising when at length I saw him rising, - That he meant to go surmising, said I, glancing at the door— - "Going? well, I wont detain you—mind the stairs and shut the door——" - "Leave you, Tomkins!—never more." - - - Startled by an answer dropping hints that he intended stopping - All his life—I knew him equal to it if he liked, or more— - Half in dismal earnest, half in joke, with an attempt at laughing, - I remarked that he was chaffing, and demanded of the bore, - Ask'd what this disgusting, nasty, greedy, vile, intrusive bore - Meant in croaking "Never more?" - - But the Vulture not replying, took my bunch of keys, and trying - Sev'ral, found at length the one to fit my private cupboard door; - Took the gin out, fill'd the kettle; and, with a _sang froid_ to nettle - Any saint, began to settle calmly down the grate before, - Really as he meant departing at the date I named before, - Of never, never more! - -[Illustration] - - Then I sat engaged in guessing what this circumstance distressing - Would be likely to result in, for I knew that long before - Once (it served me right for drinking) I had told him that if sinking - In the world, my fortunes linking to his own, he'd find my door - Always open to receive him and it struck me now that door - He would pass p'raps never more! - -[Illustration] - - Suddenly the air was clouded, all the furniture enshrouded - With the smoke of vile tobacco—this was worse than all before; - "Smith!" I cried (in not offensive tones, it might have been expensive, - For he knew the art defensive, and could costermongers floor); - "Recollect it's after midnight, _are_ you going?—mind the floor." - Quoth the Vulture, "Never - more!" - - - "Smith!" I cried (the gin was going, down his throat in rivers - flowing), - "If you want a bed, you know there's quite a nice hotel next door, - Very cheap. I'm ill—and, joking set apart, your horrid smoking - Irritates my cough to choking. Having mentioned it before, - Really, you should not compel one—_Will_ you mizzle—as before?" - Quoth the Vulture, "Never more!" - - "Smith!" I cried, "that joke repeating merits little better treating - For you than a condemnation as a nuisance and a bore. - Drop it, pray, it isn't funny; I've to mix some rum and honey— - If you want a little money, take some and be off next door; - Run a bill up for me if you like, but _do_ be off next door." - Quoth the Vulture, "Never - more!" - - "Smith!" I shriek'd—the accent humbler dropping, as another tumbler - I beheld him mix, "be off! you drive me mad—it's striking four. - Leave the house and something in it; if you go on at the gin, it - Wont hold out another minute. Leave the house and shut the door— - _Take your beak from out my gin, and take your body through the door!_" - Quoth the Vulture, "Never more!" - -[Illustration] - - And the Vulture never flitting—still is sitting, still is sitting, - Gulping down my stout by gallons, and my oysters by the score; - And the beast, with no more breeding than a heathen savage feeding, - The new carpet's tints unheeding, throws his shells upon the floor. - And his smoke from out my curtains, and his stains from out my floor, - Shall be sifted never - more! - -[Illustration] - - - A DOMESTIC TRAGEDY; - - _Being the Result of over Female Emigration, and the Impossibility of - obtaining Female Servants._ - - (For _mise en scène_, decorations, and cast of characters, see Plate - opposite.) - -MRS. PIPER (_superintending the chops and neglecting her punctuation_)— -"Oh dear, dear, dear! it's enough to drive anybody crazy with all the -trouble I've had with the huzzies the nasty good-for-nothing, idle, -lazy—the wicked presumptuous bad creatures, to think of their taking -such a start. Don't talk to me, Piper; it's the fault of you men for -taking their part. Can't blame them indeed for wanting to better their -situations!—of course my servants were _very_ ill used I understand your -insinuations. No doubt it's a treat to you to see your poor wife made -into a slave—not that there's any novelty in that I wish I was in my -grave!—melted to death and getting into such a mess with the chances _I_ -have of even getting a new dress—at those dratted chops for you to -guzzle. If you had the feelings of a man, you'd do something to help me. -Oh! I daresay you're doing all you can—a pretty kettle of fish you're -making of the Irish stew. Ah! there goes the poker on to the plates— -don't tell me—you do it on purpose—you do. I didn't say you touched the -poker but you do all you can to flurry me in one way or other—Tom, you -naughty, unfeeling boy, how dare you join in the conspiracy against your -poor mother? If your father's burnt you, it's just like him go and rub -your hand with soap—though you'll be clever to find it—Yes—Mr. Piper, -you're satisfied now, I hope—with your institutions and lectures and -South Australia panoramas I wish Mr. Prout and all the rest of the -wretches at the Polytechnic were pounded to death with sledge-hammers— -putting notions of emigration into the heads of a set of brazen faces— -but they've been a great deal too well treated, or they would not have -had time to go to such places; and those newspapers talking about their -rights and freedom if they'd minded their work they wouldn't have had -time to read 'em. In my poor dear mother's time, no servant could get a -place who knew how to read. Ought to be treated like human beings? a -pretty story, indeed! I know what you mean Piper you needn't try to keep -your gravity—but they were always thinking of husbands and settling in -life or some such depravity. - -[Illustration: - - _Scarcity of Domestic Servants—or Every Family their own Cooks!!!_—— - - _Being Verifications of our Prognostications in 1851—upon the subject - of Over Female Emigration!_ -] - -"Arabella and Jane you idle things don't stand staring there, but go and -lay the cloth before your father begins to swear. All the tumblers are -broken? Well, to be sure, I might have expected _that_ but I'm -astonished at _you_ Arabella for daring to tell me it was the cat. If it -was that minx, Jemima—yes, I see very well, Mr. Piper that we _don't_ -get on as well without her as if I wanted her to go, the viper! when she -knew the whole comfort of the family depended on her staying to be off -to Australia the ungrateful thing she deserves flaying. With the -beautiful kitchen she had only she never took a pride in it let alone -seven pounds a year and her tea found with sugar beside in it. But of -course madam must have a farm and want to be some scamp's wife—never -thinking what I've to get through with my two poor girls to settle in -life. Jane bring a dish this minute do. What! do you mean to say there's -only one and that's cracked, on the shelf? Well, I've done all human -nature can do, Mr. Piper you may get your dinner yourself. If the chops -are black I can't help it well you needn't mention it—I see—if there's -one on the floor you may pick it up. Ah! I knew how it would be. The -gridiron's tumbled over with what I've to go through, how can you expect -me to attend to it? I've not been used to this sort of thing the -chimney's on fire and there's an end to it. The house must be burnt -down. Oh yes! call the police, but you may call for ever if you find a -policeman now all the servants have gone to Australia, all I say is -you'll be clever." - - [_Scene closes._ - - - ANSWER TO CORRESPONDENTS. - - SNIKMIT.—Your conundrum was received in 1846, and has been in type - ever since. We shall probably be able to find room for it in the - course of a few years. Do not be impatient. We have all had our - beginnings. - - WALTER THE DOUBTER.—The circulation of the _Comic Almanack_ is eight - millions. The editor's salary is ten thousand a year. But these - things are not done for money. - - J.—Your offer has had our most careful consideration. We fear that a - novel in ten books, each containing eighty chapters, to be - published at the rate of a chapter per year, will scarcely suit - our publication. It would be difficult to sustain the interest for - so long a period and at such considerable intervals. - - WORRIT.—There are three thousand and ninety-five editions of _Uncle - Tom's Cabin_ published. It is estimated that every adult Briton - has purchased nine copies of that remarkable work and read them - all. - - JULIANETTA says she could love us madly if she could make up her - mind to believe that we don't dye our whiskers. We do. - - RUM DICKEY assures us he is just the fellow for our money. He is - very clever at finding out conundrums; knows three comic songs; - and has a friend who is intimate with an Ethiopian serenader. We - will think of it. - - WALKINSHAW.—Our pay is nineteen and sixpence per line for prose—two - guineas for verse; only we don't accept contributions. - - WAPSHOT informs us that he has occupied all his leisure hours for - the last twelve months in trying to find out the rebus, signed - "Lilly," in last year's _Comic Almanack_. He hopes, after all the - trouble he has taken, we will not publish any other answer to it - till his arrives. We pledge him our honour. - - ENQUIROS wishes us to inform him the day of the month, and in what - year, Julius Cæsar landed in Britain; the number of lines in the - _Iliad_; what we consider the best receipt for tartar in the - teeth; whether Mrs. Glover ever played Ophelia or not in early - life—and if she did, at what theatre, and to whose Rosencrantz; - how he had better set to work to obtain a commission in the army - without interest; if A pegs one too many by accident, has B a - right to score four; which year's volume of the _Little Warbler_ - we would recommend for general purposes, in preference to the - others; and if we know of a good shop for elastic trousers. - Perhaps some of our readers will oblige him with an answer. - - - ADVERTISEMENTS. - -NO MORE MOSQUITOES! CATCH 'EM ALIVE!—To destroy these noxious insects, -the scourge of an English summer, use Wilkinson's EXTRACT OF UPAS, -prepared only by him at his plantations, Hampstead Heath, and sold (with -directions) by all respectable chemists, in bottles, at 1_s._ 1½_d._, -2_s._ 9_d._, and 4_s._ - - * * * * * - -THE PALMS, PECKHAM.—Delightful Family Residence to BE LET, immediately; -consisting of six rooms (all snake-proof), flat roof, with verandah; -capable of making up five beds, stable for two camels, hippopotamus sty, -ostrichry, slave shed, and the usual offices. Apply personally to Mr. -JUKES, 14, Chancery Lane, any morning before sunrise. - - * * * * * - - - AN ENGLISH SUN AND AN ENGLISH SKY. - - An English sun and an English sky, - Tally hi ho! hi ho, boys! - About this time, in the hot July, - Themselves begin to show, boys. - The former fierce, and the latter hot, - As Coleridge says, like copper; - But a different state of affairs would not - Be seasonable or proper! - - What should we do when the sun and sky. - Tally hi ho! hi ho, boys! - Bake us to death, should we yet say die? - Certainly not, we know, boys! - Let us be brave, and the heat to face, - Be off, despondency loathing, - To MOSES AND SONS' and our forms encase - In appropriate summer clothing. - - * * * * * - -THE ORIGINAL MONSTER MARTS of E. MOSES & SONS, established upwards of -150 years, supply the public with the following articles of national and -seasonable attire, at the lowest possible prices:— - - Complete Nankeen Suit £1 5 0 - Plantain Hat 0 4 9 - Barege Shirts, per dozen 1 3 0 - -A small quantity of book-muslin great-coats, remaining on hand since the -last severe winter, are being disposed of at an alarming sacrifice. - - * * * * * - - - WANT PLACES. - ALL COMMUNICATIONS TO BE POST PAID. - -AS SNAKE-CHARMER IN A SERIOUS FAMILY.—A native, recently converted by -the missionaries, from Timbuctoo. No objection to look after a camel, -and make himself generally useful. Apply to J—n Sm—th, 6, Jaguar Place, -Broad Street. - - * * * * * - -A STOUT, ACTIVE MAN, an experienced driver—to look after a Nigger. -Address P. Q., Elephant and Castle. - - - - - TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES - - - 1. Added Table of Contents. - 2. Converted all asterisk (***) ellipses to modern (...) ellipses. - 3. Added anchor for unanchored footnote [8] on p. 273. - 4. Continued practice of adding month and year where they occur at the - top of pages from volume 1. However, the practice was discontinued - after 1844. - 5. Silently corrected simple spelling, grammar, and typographical - errors. - 6. Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed. - 7. Enclosed italics font in _underscores_. - 8. Enclosed bold font in =equals=. - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's The Comic Almanack, Volume 2 (of 2), by Various - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE COMIC ALMANACK, VOLUME 2 *** - -***** This file should be named 52204-0.txt or 52204-0.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/2/0/52204/ - -Produced by Richard Tonsing, Chris Curnow and the Online -Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This -file was produced from images generously made available -by The Internet Archive) - -Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions will -be renamed. - -Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright -law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, -so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United -States without permission and without paying copyright -royalties. 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