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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/5235-h.zip b/5235-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..189b75e --- /dev/null +++ b/5235-h.zip diff --git a/5235-h/5235-h.htm b/5235-h/5235-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..cfb9a46 --- /dev/null +++ b/5235-h/5235-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4958 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="iso-8859-1"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <title> + The Confessions of Harry Lorrequer, Volume 2 + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body {background:#faebd7; margin:10%; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; } + HR { width: 33%; text-align: center; } + .figleft {float: left;} + .figright {float: right;} + .toc { margin-left: 15%; margin-bottom: 0em;} + CENTER { padding: 10px;} + // +</style> + </head> + <body> + <h2> + THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, Vol. 2 + </h2> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of Harry Lorrequer, Vol. 2 +by Charles James Lever + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Confessions of Harry Lorrequer, Vol. 2 + +Author: Charles James Lever + +Release Date: October 27, 2006 [EBook #5235] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HARRY LORREQUER, VOL. 2 *** + + + + +Produced by Mary Munarin and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /> + </p> + <h2> + THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER + </h2> + <h3> + [By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)] + </h3> + <h3> + Dublin + </h3> + <h3> + MDCCCXXXIX. + </h3> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h3> + Volume 2. + </h3> + <p> + <br /><br /> <br /><br /> <img alt="bookcover.jpg (95K)" + src="images/bookcover.jpg" height="986" width="650" /> <br /><br /> <br /><br /> + <img alt="spine.jpg (51K)" src="images/spine.jpg" height="1207" width="650" /> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> <img alt="titlepage.jpg (48K)" + src="images/titlepage.jpg" height="1141" width="601" /> <br /><br /><br /><br /> + [Note: Though the title page has no author's name inscribed,<br /> this + work is generally attributed to Charles James Lever.] <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> + <h3> + <a name="The_Inn_at_Munich" id="The_Inn_at_Munich">The Inn at Munich</a> + </h3> + <p> + <a href="images2/00aTheInnatMunich.jpg"> <img + alt="00a The Inn at Munich.jpg" + src="images/00aTheInnatMunich.jpg" height="780" width="480" /></a> + <br />Click on this or any of the following images<br /> to view the + engraving in black-and-white detail.<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <b> "We talked of pipe-clay regulation caps—<br /> Long + twenty-fours—short culverins and mortars—<br /> Condemn'd + the 'Horse Guards' for a set of raps,<br /> And + cursed our fate at being in such quarters.<br /> Some smoked, some + sighed, and some were heard to snore;<br /> Some + wished themselves five fathoms 'neat the Solway;<br /> And some did + pray—who never prayed before—<br /> That + they might get the 'route' for Cork or Galway."<br /> </b> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /> + </p> + + <h3> + CONTENTS: + </h3> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + <a href="#ch11">CHAPTER XI</a> <br /> Cheltenham—Matrimonial + Adventure—Showing how to make love for a friend <br /> <br /> <a + href="#ch12">CHAPTER XII</a> <br /> Dublin—Tom O'Flaherty—A + Reminiscence of the Peninsula <br /> <br /> <a href="#ch13">CHAPTER XIII</a> + <br /> Dublin—The Boarding-house—Select Society <br /> <br /> + <a href="#ch14">CHAPTER XIV</a> <br /> The Chase <br /> <br /> <a + href="#ch15">CHAPTER XV</a> <br /> Mems Of the North Cork <br /> <br /> + <a href="#ch16">CHAPTER XVI</a> <br /> Theatricals <br /> <br /> <a + href="#ch16b">CHAPTER XVI b</a> (The chapter number is a repeat) <br /> + The Wager <br /> <br /> <a href="#ch17">CHAPTER XVII</a> <br /> The + Elopement + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + <a name="ch11" id="ch11"></a>CHAPTER XI. + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + CHELTENHAM—MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURE—SHOWING HOW TO MAKE LOVE FOR + A FRIEND. + </h3> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + <a name="Lorrequer_Making_His_Escape_From_Col._Kamworth_s" + id="Lorrequer_Making_His_Escape_From_Col._Kamworth_s">Lorrequer Making His + Escape From Col. Kamworth's</a> + </h3> + <p> + <a href="images2/Ch11LorrrequerMakingHisEscape.jpg"> + <img alt="Ch 11 Lorrrequer Making His Escape.jpg (88K)" + src="images/Ch11LorrrequerMakingHisEscape.jpg" + height="780" width="480" /></a> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + It was a cold raw evening in February as I sat in the coffee-room of the + Old Plough in Cheltenham, "Lucullus c. Lucullo"—no companion save my + half-finished decanter of port. I had drawn my chair to the corner of the + ample fire-place, and in a half dreamy state was reviewing the incidents + of my early life, and like most men who, however young, have still to + lament talents misapplied, opportunities neglected, profitless labour, and + disastrous idleness. The dreary aspect of the large and ill-lighted room—the + close-curtained boxes—the unsocial look of every thing and body + about suited the habit of my soul, and I was on the verge of becoming + excessively sentimental—the unbroken silence, where several people + were present, had also its effect upon me, and I felt oppressed and + dejected. So sat I for an hour; the clock over the mantel ticked sharply + on—the old man in the brown surtout had turned in his chair, and now + snored louder—the gentleman who read the Times had got the + Chronicle, and I thought I saw him nodding over the advertisements. The + father who, with a raw son of about nineteen, had dined at six, sat still + and motionless opposite his offspring, and only breaking the silence + around by the grating of the decanter as he posted it across the table. + The only thing denoting active existence was a little, shrivelled man, + who, with spectacles on his forehead, and hotel slippers on his feet, + rapidly walked up and down, occasionally stopping at his table to sip a + little weak-looking negus, which was his moderate potation for two hours. + I have been particular in chronicling these few and apparently trivial + circumstances, for by what mere trifles are our greatest and most + important movements induced—had the near wheeler of the Umpire been + only safe on his fore legs, and while I write this I might—but let + me continue. The gloom and melancholy which beset me, momentarily + increased. But three months before, and my prospects presented every thing + that was fairest and brightest—now all the future was dark and + dismal. Then my best friends could scarcely avoid envy at my fortune—now + my reverses might almost excite compassion even in an enemy. It was + singular enough, and I should not like to acknowledge it, were not these + Confessions in their very nature intended to disclose the very penetralia + of my heart; but singular it certainly was—and so I have always felt + it since, when reflecting on it—that although much and warmly + attached to Lady Jane Callonby, and feeling most acutely what I must call + her abandonment of me, yet, the most constantly recurring idea of my mind + on the subject was, what will the mess say—what will they think at + head-quarters?—the raillery, the jesting, the half-concealed + allusion, the tone of assumed compassion, which all awaited me, as each of + my comrades took up his line of behaving towards me, was, after all, the + most difficult thing to be borne, and I absolutely dreaded to join my + regiment, more thoroughly than did ever schoolboy to return to his labour + on the expiration of his holidays. I had framed to myself all manner of + ways of avoiding this dread event; sometimes I meditated an exchange into + an African corps—sometimes to leave the army altogether. However, I + turned the affair over in my mind—innumerable difficulties presented + themselves, and I was at last reduced to that stand-still point, in which, + after continual vacillation, one only waits for the slightest impulse of + persuasion from another, to adopt any, no matter what suggestion. In this + enviable frame of mind I sat sipping my wine, and watching the clock for + that hour at which, with a safe conscience, I might retire to my bed, when + the waiter roused me by demanding if my name was Mr. Lorrequer, for that a + gentleman having seen my card in the bar, had been making inquiry for the + owner of it all through the hotel. + </p> + <p> + "Yes," said I, "such is my name; but I am not acquainted with any one + here, that I can remember." + </p> + <p> + "The gentleman has ony arrived an hour since by the London mail, sir, and + here he is." + </p> + <p> + At this moment, a tall, dashing-looking, half-swaggering fellow, in a very + sufficient envelope of box-coats, entered the coffee-room, and unwinding a + shawl from his throat, showed me the honest and manly countenance of my + friend Jack Waller, of the __th dragoons, with whom I had served in the + Peninsula. + </p> + <p> + Five minutes sufficed for Jack to tell me that he was come down on a bold + speculation at this unseasonable time for Cheltenham; that he was quite + sure his fortune was about to be made in a few weeks at farthest, and what + seemed nearly as engrossing a topic—that he was perfectly famished, + and desired a hot supper, "de suite." + </p> + <p> + Jack having despatched this agreeable meal with a traveller's appetite, + proceeded to unfold his plans to me as follows: + </p> + <p> + There resided somewhere near Cheltenham, in what direction he did not + absolutely know, an old East India colonel, who had returned from a long + career of successful staff-duties and government contracts, with the + moderate fortune of two hundred thousand. He possessed, in addition, a son + and a daughter; the former, being a rake and a gambler, he had long since + consigned to his own devices, and to the latter he had avowed his + intention of leaving all his wealth. That she was beautiful as an angel + —highly accomplished—gifted—agreeable—and all + that, Jack, who had never seen her, was firmly convinced; that she was + also bent resolutely on marrying him, or any other gentleman whose claims + were principally the want of money, he was quite ready to swear to; and, + in fact, so assured did he feel that "the whole affair was feasible," (I + use his own expression,) that he had managed a two months' leave, and was + come down express to see, make love to, and carry her off at once. + </p> + <p> + "But," said I, with difficulty interrupting him, "how long have you known + her father?" + </p> + <p> + "Known him? I never saw him." + </p> + <p> + "Well, that certainly is cool; and how do you propose making his + acquaintance. Do you intend to make him a "particeps criminis" in the + elopement of his own daughter, for a consideration to be hereafter paid + out of his own money?" + </p> + <p> + "Now, Harry, you've touched upon the point in which, you must confess, my + genius always stood unrivalled—acknowledge, if you are not dead to + gratitude—acknowledge how often should you have gone supperless to + bed in our bivouacs in the Peninsula, had it not been for the ingenuity of + your humble servant—avow, that if mutton was to be had, and beef to + be purloined, within a circuit of twenty miles round, our mess certainly + kept no fast days. I need not remind you of the cold morning on the + retreat from Burgos, when the inexorable Lake brought five men to the + halberds for stealing turkeys, that at the same moment, I was engaged in + devising an ox-tail soup, from a heifer brought to our tent in jack-boots + the evening before, to escape detection by her foot tracks." + </p> + <p> + "True, Jack, I never questioned your Spartan talent; but this affair, time + considered, does appear rather difficult." + </p> + <p> + "And if it were not, should I have ever engaged in it? No, no, Harry. I + put all proper value upon the pretty girl, with her two hundred thousand + pounds pin-money. But I honestly own to you, the intrigue, the scheme, has + as great charm for me as any part of the transaction." + </p> + <p> + "Well, Jack, now for the plan, then!" + </p> + <p> + "The plan! oh, the plan. Why, I have several; but since I have seen you, + and talked the matter over with you, I have begun to think of a new mode + of opening the trenches." + </p> + <p> + "Why, I don't see how I can possibly have admitted a single new ray of + light upon the affair." + </p> + <p> + "There are you quite wrong. Just hear me out without interruption, and + I'll explain. I'll first discover the locale of this worthy colonel—'Hydrabad + Cottage' he calls it; good, eh?—then I shall proceed to make a tour + of the immediate vicinity, and either be taken dangerously ill in his + grounds, within ten yards of the hall-door, or be thrown from my gig at + the gate of his avenue, and fracture my skull; I don't much care which. + Well, then, as I learn that the old gentleman is the most kind, hospitable + fellow in the world, he'll admit me at once; his daughter will tend my + sick couch—nurse—read to me; glorious fun, Harry. I'll make + fierce love to her; and now, the only point to be decided is whether, + having partaken of the colonel's hospitality so freely, I ought to carry + her off, or marry her with papa's consent. You see there is much to be + said for either line of proceeding." + </p> + <p> + "I certainly agree with you there; but since you seem to see your way so + clearly up to that point, why, I should advise you leaving that an 'open + question,' as the ministers say, when they are hard pressed for an + opinion." + </p> + <p> + "Well, Harry, I consent; it shall remain so. Now for your part, for I have + not come to that." + </p> + <p> + "Mine," said I, in amazement; "why how can I possibly have any character + assigned to me in the drama?" + </p> + <p> + "I'll tell you, Harry, you shall come with me in the gig in the capacity + of my valet." + </p> + <p> + "Your what?" said I, horror-struck at his impudence. + </p> + <p> + "Come, no nonsense, Harry, you'll have a glorious time of it—shall + choose as becoming a livery as you like—and you'll have the whole + female world below stairs dying for you; and all I ask for such an + opportunity vouchsafed to you is to puff me, your master, in every + possible shape and form, and represent me as the finest and most liberal + fellow in the world, rolling in wealth, and only striving to get rid of + it." + </p> + <p> + The unparalleled effrontery of Master Jack, in assigning to me such an + office, absolutely left me unable to reply to him; while he continued to + expatiate upon the great field for exertion thus open to us both. At last + it occurred to me to benefit by an anecdote of a something similar + arrangement, of capturing, not a young lady, but a fortified town, by + retorting Jack's proposition. + </p> + <p> + "Come," said I, "I agree, with one only difference—I'll be the + master and you the man on this occasion." + </p> + <p> + To my utter confusion, and without a second's consideration, Waller + grasped my hand, and cried, "done." Of course I laughed heartily at the + utter absurdity of the whole scheme, and rallied my friend on his + prospects of Botany Bay for such an exploit; never contemplating in the + most remote degree the commission of such extravagance. + </p> + <p> + Upon this Jack, to use the expressive French phrase, "pris la parole," + touching with a master-like delicacy on my late defeat among the + Callonbys, (which up to this instant I believed him in ignorance of;) he + expatiated upon the prospect of my repairing that misfortune, and + obtaining a fortune considerably larger; he cautiously abstained from + mentioning the personal charms of the young lady, supposing, from my + lachrymose look, that my heart had not yet recovered the shock of Lady + Jane's perfidy, and rather preferred to dwell upon the escape such a + marriage could open to me from the mockery of the mess-table, the jesting + of my brother officers, and the life-long raillery of the service, + wherever the story reached. + </p> + <p> + The fatal facility of my disposition, so often and so frankly chronicled + in these Confessions—the openness to be led whither any one might + take the trouble to conduct me—the easy indifference to assume any + character which might be pressed upon me, by chance, accident, or design, + assisted by my share of three flasks of champagne, induced me first to + listen—then to attend to—soon after to suggest—and + finally, absolutely to concur in and agree to a proposal, which, at any + other moment, I must have regarded as downright insanity. As the clock + struck two, I had just affixed my name to an agreement, for Jack Waller + had so much of method in his madness, that, fearful of my retracting in + the morning, he had committed the whole to writing, which, as a specimen + of Jack's legal talents I copy from the original document now in my + posession. + </p> + <blockquote> + <blockquote> + <p> + "The Plough, Cheltenham, Tuesday night or morning, two o'clock—be + the same more or less. I, Harry Lorrequer, sub. in his Majesty's __th + regiment of foot, on the one part; and I, John Waller, commonly called + Jack Waller, of the __th light dragoons on the other; hereby promise + and agree, each for himself, and not one for the other, to the + following conditions, which are hereafter subjoined, to wit, the + aforesaid Jack Waller is to serve, obey, and humbly follow the + aforementioned Harry Lorrequer, for the space of one month of four + weeks; conducting himself in all respects, modes, ways, manners, as + his, the aforesaid Lorrequer's own man, skip, valet, or saucepan—duly + praising, puffing, and lauding the aforesaid Lorrequer, and in every + way facilitating his success to the hand and fortune of—" + </p> + </blockquote> + </blockquote> + <p> + "Shall we put in her name, Harry, here?" said Jack. + </p> + <p> + "I think not; we'll fill it up in pencil; that looks very knowing." + </p> + <p> + "—at the end of which period, if successful in his suit, the + aforesaid Harry Lorrequer is to render to the aforesaid Waller the sum of + ten thousand pounds three and a half per cent. with a faithful discharge + in writing for his services, as may be. If, on the other hand, and which + heaven forbid, the aforesaid Lorrequer fail in obtaining the hand of + _____, that he will evacuate the territory within twelve hours, and + repairing to a convenient spot selected by the aforesaid Waller, then and + there duly invest himself with a livery chosen by the aforesaid Waller—" + </p> + <p> + "You know, each man uses his choice in this particular," said Jack. + </p> + <p> + "—and for the space of four calendar weeks, be unto the aforesaid + Waller, as his skip, or valet, receiving, in the event of success, the + like compensation, as aforesaid, each promising strictly to maintain the + terms of this agreement, and binding, by a solemn pledge, to divest + himself of every right appertaining to his former condition, for the space + of time there mentioned." + </p> + <p> + We signed and sealed it formally, and finished another flask to its + perfect ratification. This done, and after a hearty shake hands, we parted + and retired for the night. + </p> + <p> + The first thing I saw on waking the following morning was Jack Waller + standing beside my bed, evidently in excellent spirits with himself and + all the world. + </p> + <p> + "Harry, my boy, I have done it gloriously," said he. "I only remembered on + parting with you last night, that one of the most marked features in our + old colonel's character is a certain vague idea, he has somewhere picked + up, that he has been at some very remote period of his history a most + distinguished officer. This notion, it appears, haunts his mind, and he + absolutely believes he has been in every engagement from the seven years + war, down to the Battle of Waterloo. You cannot mention a siege he did not + lay down the first parallel for, nor a storming party where he did not + lead the forlorn hope; and there is not a regiment in the service, from + those that formed the fighting brigade of Picton, down to the London + trainbands, with which, to use his own phrase, he has not fought and bled. + This mania of heroism is droll enough, when one considers that the sphere + of his action was necessarily so limited; but yet we have every reason to + be thankful for the peculiarity, as you'll say, when I inform you that + this morning I despatched a hasty messenger to his villa, with a most + polite note, setting forth that a Mr. Lorrequer—ay, Harry, all above + board—there is nothing like it—'as Mr. Lorrequer, of the __th, + was collecting for publication, such materials as might serve to + commemorate the distinguished achievements of British officers, who have, + at any time, been in command—he most respectfully requests an + interview with Colonel Kamworth, whose distinguished services, on many + gallant occasions, have called forth the unqualified approval of his + majesty's government. Mr. Lorrequer's stay is necessarily limited to a few + days, as he proceeds from this to visit Lord Anglesey; and, therefore, + would humbly suggest as early a meeting as may suit Colonel K.'s + convenience.' What think you now? Is this a master-stroke or not?" + </p> + <p> + "Why, certainly, we are in for it now," said I, drawing a deep sigh. "But + Jack, what is all this? Why, you're in livery already." + </p> + <p> + I now, for the first time, perceived that Waller was arrayed in a very + decorous suit of dark grey, with cord shorts and boots, and looked a very + knowing style of servant for the side of a tilbury. + </p> + <p> + "You like it, don't you? Well, I should have preferred something a little + more showy myself; but as you chose this last night, I, of course, gave + way, and after all, I believe you're right, it certainly is neat." + </p> + <p> + "Did I choose it last night? I have not the slightest recollection of it." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, you were most particular about the length of the waistcoat, and the + height of the cockade, and you see I have followed your orders tolerably + close; and now, adieu to sweet equality for the season, and I am your most + obedient servant for four weeks—see that you make the most of it." + </p> + <p> + While we were talking, the waiter entered with a note addressed to me, + which I rightly conjectured could only come from Colonel Kamworth. It ran + thus— + </p> + <blockquote> + <blockquote> + <p> + "Colonel Kamworth feels highly flattered by the polite attention of + Mr. Lorrequer, and will esteem it a particular favour if Mr. L. can + afford him the few days his stay in this part of the country will + permit, by spending them at Hydrabad Cottage. Any information as to + Colonel Kamworth's services in the four quarters of the globe, he need + not say, is entirely at Mr. L.'s disposal. + </p> + <p> + "Colonel K. dines at six precisely." + </p> + </blockquote> + </blockquote> + <p> + When Waller had read the note through, he tossed his hat up in the air, + and, with something little sort of an Indian whoop, shouted out— + </p> + <p> + "The game is won already. Harry, my man, give me the check for the ten + thousand: she is your own this minute." + </p> + <p> + Without participating entirely in Waller's exceeding delight, I could not + help feeling a growing interest in the part I was advertised to perform, + and began my rehearsal with more spirit than I thought I should have been + able to command. + </p> + <p> + That same evening, at the same hour as that in which on the preceding I + sat lone and comfortless by the coffee-room fire, I was seated opposite a + very pompous, respectable-looking old man, with a large, stiff queue of + white hair, who pressed me repeatedly to fill my glass and pass the + decanter. The room was a small library, with handsomely fitted shelves; + there were but four chairs, but each would have made at least three of any + modern one; the curtains of deep crimson cloth effectually secured the + room from draught; and the cheerful wood fire blazing on the hearth, which + was the only light in the apartment, gave a most inviting look of comfort + and snugness to every thing. This, thought I, is all excellent; and + however the adventure ends, this is certainly pleasant, and I never tasted + better Madeira. + </p> + <p> + "And so, Mr. Lorrequer, you heard of my affair at Cantantrabad, when I + took the Rajah prisoner?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes," said I; "the governor-general mentioned the gallant business the + very last time I dined at Government-House." + </p> + <p> + "Ah, did he? kind of him though. Well, sir, I received two millions of + rupees on the morning after, and a promise of ten more if I would permit + him to escape—but no—I refused flatly." + </p> + <p> + "Is it possible; and what did you do with the two millions?—sent + them, of course—." + </p> + <p> + "No, that I didn't; the wretches know nothing of the use of money. No, no; + I have them this moment in good government security. + </p> + <p> + "I believe I never mentioned to you the storming of Java. Fill yourself + another glass, and I'll describe it all to you, for it will be of infinite + consequence that a true narrative of this meets the public eye—they + really are quire ignorant of it. Here now is Fort Cornelius, and there is + the moat, the sugar-basin is the citadel, and the tongs is the first + trench, the decanter will represent the tall tower towards the south-west + angle, and here, the wine glass—this is me. Well, it was a little + after ten at night that I got the order from the general in command to + march upon this plate of figs, which was an open space before Fort + Cornelius, and to take up my position in front of the fort, and with four + pieces of field artillery—these walnuts here—to be ready to + open my fire at a moment's warning upon the sou-west tower; but, my dear + sir, you have moved the tower; I thought you were drinking Madeira. As I + said before, to open my fire upon the sou-west tower, or if necessary + protect the sugar tongs, which I explained to you was the trench. Just at + the same time the besieged were making preparations for a sortie to occupy + this dish of almonds and raisins—the high ground to the left of my + position—put another log on the fire, if you please, sir, for I + cannot see myself—I thought I was up near the figs, and I find + myself down near the half moon." + </p> + <p> + "It is past nine," said a servant entering the room; "shall I take the + carriage for Miss Kamworth, sir?" This being the first time the name of + the young lady was mentioned since my arrival, I felt somewhat anxious to + hear more of her, in which laudable desire I was not however to be + gratified, for the colonel, feeling considerably annoyed by the + interruption, dismissed the servant by saying— + </p> + <p> + "What do you mean, sirrah, by coming in at this moment; don't you see I am + preparing for the attack on the half moon? Mr. Lorrequer, I beg your + pardon for one moment, this fellow has completely put me out; and besides, + I perceive, you have eaten the flying artillery, and in fact, my dear sir, + I shall be obliged to lay down the position again." + </p> + <p> + With this praiseworthy interest the colonel proceeded to arrange the + "materiel" of our dessert in battle array, when the door was suddenly + thrown open, and a very handsome girl, in a most becoming demi toilette, + sprung into the room, and either not noticing, or not caring, that a + stranger was present, threw herself into the old gentleman's arms, with a + degree of empressement, exceedingly vexatious for any third and unoccupied + party to witness. + </p> + <p> + "Mary, my dear," said the colonel, completely forgetting Java and Fort + Cornelius at once, "you don't perceive I have a gentleman to introduce to + you, Mr. Lorrequer, my daughter, Miss Kamworth," here the young lady + courtesied somewhat stiffly, and I bowed reverently; and we all resumed + places. I now found out that Miss Kamworth had been spending the preceding + four or five days at a friend's in the neighbourhood; and had preferred + coming home somewhat unexpectedly, to waiting for her own carriage. + </p> + <p> + My confessions, if recorded verbatim, from the notes of that four weeks' + sojourn, would only increase the already too prolix and uninteresting + details of this chapter in my life; I need only say, that without falling + in love with Mary Kamworth, I felt prodigiously disposed thereto; she was + extremely pretty; had a foot and ancle to swear by, the most silvery toned + voice I almost ever heard, and a certain witchery and archness of manner + that by its very tantalizing uncertainty continually provoked attention, + and by suggesting a difficulty in the road to success, imparted a more + than common zest in the pursuit. She was little, a very little blue, + rather a dabbler in the "ologies," than a real disciple. Yet she made + collections of minerals, and brown beetles, and cryptogamias, and various + other homeopathic doses of the creation, infinitessimally small in their + subdivision; in none of which I felt any interest, save in the excuse they + gave for accompanying her in her pony-phaeton. This was, however, a rare + pleasure, for every morning for at least three or four hours I was obliged + to sit opposite the colonel, engaged in the compilation of that narrative + of his "res gestae," which was to eclipse the career of Napoleon and leave + Wellington's laurels but a very faded lustre in comparison. In this + agreeable occupation did I pass the greater part of my day, listening to + the insufferable prolixity of the most prolix of colonels, and at times, + notwithstanding the propinquity of relationship which awaited us, almost + regretting that he was not blown up in any of the numerous explosions his + memoir abounded with. I may here mention, that while my literary labour + was thus progressing, the young lady continued her avocations as before—not + indeed with me for her companion—but Waller; for Colonel Kamworth, + "having remarked the steadiness and propriety of my man, felt no scruple + in sending him out to drive Miss Kamworth," particularly as I gave him a + most excellent character for every virtue under heaven. + </p> + <p> + I must hasten on.—The last evening of my four weeks was drawing to a + close. Colonel Kamworth had pressed me to prolong my visit, and I only + waited for Waller's return from Cheltenham, whither I had sent him for my + letters, to make arrangements with him to absolve me from my ridiculous + bond, and accept the invitation. We were sitting round the library fire, + the colonel, as usual, narrating his early deeds and hair-breadth 'scapes. + Mary, embroidering an indescribable something, which every evening made + its appearance but seemed never to advance, was rather in better spirits + than usual, at the same time her manner was nervous and uncertain; and I + could perceive by her frequent absence of mind, that her thoughts were not + as much occupied by the siege of Java as her worthy father believed them. + Without laying any stress upon the circumstance, I must yet avow that + Waller's not having returned from Cheltenham gave me some uneasiness, and + I more than once had recourse to the bell to demand if "my servant had + come back yet?" At each of these times I well remember the peculiar + expression of Mary's look, the half embarrassment, half drollery, with + which she listened to the question, and heard the answer in the negative. + Supper at length made its appearance; and I asked the servant who waited, + "if my man had brought me any letters," varying my inquiry to conceal my + anxiety; and again, I heard he had not returned. Resolving now to propose + in all form for Miss Kamworth the next morning, and by referring the + colonel to my uncle Sir Guy, smooth, as far as I could, all difficulties, + I wished them good night and retired; not, however, before the colonel had + warned me that they were to have an excursion to some place in the + neighbourhood the next day; and begging that I might be in the + breakfast-room at nine, as they were to assemble there from all parts, and + start early on the expedition. I was in a sound sleep the following + morning, when a gentle tap at the door awoke me; at the same time I + recognised the voice of the colonel's servant, saying, "Mr. Lorrequer, + breakfast is waiting, sir." + </p> + <p> + I sprung up at once, and replying, "Very well, I shall come down," + proceeded to dress in all haste, but to my horror, I could not discern a + vestige of my clothes; nothing remained of the habiliments I possessed + only the day before—even my portmanteau had disappeared. After a + most diligent search, I discovered on a chair in a corner of the room, a + small bundle tied up in a handkerchief, on opening which I perceived a new + suit of livery of the most gaudy and showy description and lace; of which + colour was also the coat, which had a standing collar and huge cuffs, + deeply ornamented with worked button holes and large buttons. As I turned + the things over, without even a guess of what they could mean, for I was + scarcely well awake, I perceived a small slip of paper fastened to the + coat sleeve, upon which, in Waller's hand-writing, the following few words + were written: + </p> + <blockquote> + <blockquote> + <p> + "The livery I hope will fit you, as I am rather particular about how + you'll look; get quietly down to the stable-yard and drive the tilbury + into Cheltenham, where wait for further orders from your kind master, + </p> + <p> + "John Waller." + </p> + </blockquote> + </blockquote> + <p> + The horrible villany of this wild scamp actually paralysed me. That I + should put on such ridiculous trumpery was out of the question; yet what + was to be done? I rung the bell violently; "Where are my clothes, Thomas?" + </p> + <p> + "Don't know, sir; I was out all the morning, sir, and never seed them." + </p> + <p> + "There, Thomas, be smart now and send them up, will you?" Thomas + disappeared, and speedily returned to say, "that my clothes could not be + found any where; no one knew any thing of them, and begged me to come + down, as Miss Kamworth desired him to say that they were still waiting, + and she begged Mr. Lorrequer would not make an elaborate toilette, as they + were going on a country excursion." An elaborate toilette! I wish to + heaven she saw my costume; no, I'll never do it. "Thomas, you must tell + the ladies and the colonel, too, that I feel very ill; I am not able to + leave my bed; I am subject to attacks—very violent attacks in my + head, and must always be left quiet and alone—perfectly alone—mind + me, Thomas—for a day at least." Thomas departed; and as I lay + distracted in my bed, I heard, from the breakfast room, the loud laughter + of many persons evidently enjoying some excellent joke; could it be me + they were laughing at; the thought was horrible. + </p> + <p> + "Colonel Kamworth wishes to know if you'd like the doctor, sir," said + Thomas, evidently suppressing a most inveterate fit of laughing, as he + again appeared at the door. + </p> + <p> + "No, certainly not," said I, in a voice of thunder; "what the devil are + you grinning at?" + </p> + <p> + "You may as well come, my man; you're found out; they all know it now," + said the fellow with an odious grin. + </p> + <p> + I jumped out of the bed, and hurled the boot-jack at him with all my + strength; but had only the satisfaction to hear him go down stairs + chuckling at his escape; and as he reached the parlour, the increase of + mirth and the loudness of the laughter told me that he was not the only + one who was merry at my expense. Any thing was preferable to this; down + stairs I resolved to go at once—but how; a blanket I thought would + not be a bad thing, and particularly as I had said I was ill; I could at + least get as far as Colonel Kamworth's dressing-room, and explain to him + the whole affair; but then if I was detected en route, which I was almost + sure to be, with so many people parading about the house. No; that would + never do, there was but one alternative, and dreadful, shocking as it was, + I could not avoid it, and with a heavy heart, and as much indignation at + Waller for what I could not but consider a most scurvy trick, I donned the + yellow inexpressibles; next came the vest, and last the coat, with its + broad flaps and lace excrescenses, fifty times more absurd and + merry-andrew than any stage servant who makes off with his table and two + chairs amid the hisses and gibes of an upper gallery. + </p> + <p> + If my costume leaned towards the ridiculous, I resolved that my air and + bearing should be more than usually austere and haughty; and with + something of the stride of John Kemble in Coriolanus, I was leaving my + bed-room, when I accidentally caught a view of myself in the glass; and so + mortified, so shocked was I, that I sank into a chair, and almost + abandoned my resolution to go on; the very gesture I had assumed for + vindication only increased the ridicule of my appearance; and the strange + quaintness of the costume totally obliterated every trace of any + characteristic of the wearer, so infernally cunning was its contrivance. I + don't think that the most saturnine martyr of gout and dyspepsia could + survey me without laughing. With a bold effort, I flung open my door, + hurried down the stairs, and reached the hall. The first person I met was + a kind of pantry boy, a beast only lately emancipated from the plough, and + destined after a dozen years' training as a servant, again to be turned + back to his old employ for incapacity; he grinned horribly for a minute, + as I passed, and then in a half whisper said— + </p> + <p> + "Maester, I advise ye run for it; they're a waiting for ye with the + constables in the justice's room!" I gave him a look of contemptuous + superiority at which he grinned the more, and passed on. + </p> + <p> + Without stopping to consider where I was going, I opened the door of the + breakfast-parlour, and found myself in one plunge among a room full of + people. My first impulse was to retreat again; but so shocked was I, at + the very first thing that met my sight, that I was perfectly powerless to + do any thing. Among a considerable number of people who stood in small + groups round the breakfast-table, I discerned Jack Waller, habited in a + very accurate black frock and dark trowsers, supporting upon his arm—shall + I confess—no less a person than Mary Kamworth, who leaned on him + with the familiarity of an old acquaintance, and chatted gaily with him. + The buzz of conversation which filled the apartment when I entered, ceased + for a second of deep silence; and then followed a peal of laughter so long + and so vociferous, that in my momentary anger I prayed some one might + burst a blood-vessel, and frighten the rest. I put on a look of + indescribable indignation, and cast a glance of what I intended should be + most withering scorn on the assembly; but alas! my infernal harlequin + costume ruined the effect; and confound me, if they did not laugh the + louder. I turned from one to the other with the air of a man who marks out + victims for his future wrath; but with no better success; at last, amid + the continued mirth of the party, I made my way towards where Waller stood + absolutely suffocated with laughter, and scarcely able to stand without + support. + </p> + <p> + "Waller," said I, in a voice half tremulous with rage and shame together; + "Waller, if this rascally trick be yours, rest assured no former term of + intimacy between us shall—" + </p> + <p> + Before I could conclude the sentence, a bustle at the door of the room, + called every attention in that direction; I turned and beheld Colonel + Kamworth, followed by a strong posse comitatus of constables, tipstaffs, , + armed to the teeth, and evidently prepared for vigorous battle. Before I + was able to point out my woes to my kind host, he burst out with— + </p> + <p> + "So you scoundrel, you impostor, you damned young villain, pretending to + be a gentleman, you get admission into a man's house and dine at his + table, when your proper place had been behind his chair.—How far he + might have gone, heaven can tell, if that excellent young gentleman, his + master, had not traced him here this morning—but you'll pay dearly + for it, you young rascal, that you shall." + </p> + <p> + "Colonel Kamworth," said I, drawing myself proudly up, (and I confess + exciting new bursts of laughter,) "Colonel Kamworth, for the expressions + you have just applied to me, a heavy reckoning awaits you; not, however, + before another individual now present shall atone for the insult he has + dared to pass upon me." Colonel Kamworth's passion at this declaration + knew no bounds; he cursed and swore absolutely like a madman, and vowed + that transportation for life would be a mild sentence for such iniquity. + </p> + <p> + Waller at length wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes, interposed + between the colonel and his victim, and begged that I might be forgiven; + "for indeed my dear sir," said he, "the poor fellow is of rather + respectable parentage, and such is his taste for good society that he'd + run any risk to be among his betters, although, as in the present case the + exposure brings a rather heavy retribution, however, let me deal with him. + Come, Henry," said he, with an air of insufferable superiority, "take my + tilbury into town, and wait for me at the George, I shall endeavour to + make your peace with my excellent friend, Colonel Kamworth; and the best + mode you can contribute to that object, is to let us have no more of your + society." + </p> + <p> + I cannot attempt to picture my rage at these words; however, escape from + this diabolical predicament was my only present object; and I rushed from + the room, and springing into the tilbury at the door, drove down the + avenue at the rate of fifteen miles per hour, amid the united cheers, + groans, and yells of the whole servants' hall, who seemed to enjoy my + "detection," even more than their betters. Meditating vengeance, sharp, + short, and decisive on Waller, the colonel, and every one else in the + infernal conspiracy against me, for I utterly forgot every vestige of our + agreement in the surprise by which I was taken, I reached Cheltenham. + Unfortunately I had no friend there to whose management I could commit the + bearing of a message, and was obliged as soon as I could procure suitable + costume, to hasten up to Coventry where the __th dragoons were then + quartered. I lost no time in selecting an adviser, and taking the + necessary steps to bring Master Waller to a reckoning; and on the third + morning we again reached Cheltenham, I thirsting for vengeance, and + bursting still with anger; not so, my friend, however, who never could + discuss the affair with common gravity, and even ventured every now and + then on a sly allusion to my yellow shorts. As we passed the last + toll-bar, a travelling carriage came whirling by with four horses at a + tremendous pace; and as the morning was frosty, and the sun scarcely + risen, the whole team were smoking and steaming so as to be half + invisible. We both remarked on the precipitancy of the party; for as our + own pace was considerable, the two vehicles passed like lightning. We had + scarcely dressed, and ordered breakfast, when a more than usual bustle in + the yard called us to the window; the waiter who came in at the same + instant told us that four horses were ordered out to pursue a young lady + who had eloped that morning with an officer. + </p> + <p> + "Ah, our friend in the green travelling chariot, I'll be bound," said my + companion; but as neither of us knew that part of the country, and I was + too engrossed by my own thoughts, I never inquired further. As the chaise + in chase drove round to the door, I looked to see what the pursuer was + like; and as he issued from the inn, recognised my "ci devant host," + Colonel Kamworth. I need not say my vengeance was sated at once; he had + lost his daughter, and Waller was on the road to be married. Apologies and + explanations came in due time, for all my injuuries and sufferings; and I + confess, the part which pleased me most was, that I saw no more of Jack + for a considerable period after; he started for the continent, where he + has lived ever since on a small allowance, granted by his father-in-law, + and never paying me the stipulated sum, as I had clearly broken the + compact. + </p> + <p> + So much for my second attempt at matrimony; one would suppose that such + experience should be deemed sufficient to show that my talent did not lie + in that way. And here I must rest for the present, with the additional + confession, that so strong was the memory of that vile adventure, that I + refused a lucrative appointment under Lord Anglesey's government, when I + discovered that his livery included "yellow plush breeches;" to have such + "souvenirs" flitting around and about me, at dinner and elsewhere, would + have left me without a pleasure in existence. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + <a name="ch12" id="ch12"></a>CHAPTER XII. + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + DUBLIN—TOM O'FLAHERTY—A REMINISCENCE OF THE PENINSULA. + </h3> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + Dear, dirty Dublin—"Io te salute"—how many excellent things + might be said of thee, if, unfortunately, it did not happen that the theme + is an old one, and has been much better sung than it can ever now be said. + With thus much of apology for no more lengthened panegyric, let me beg of + my reader, if he be conversant with that most moving melody—the + Groves of Blarney—to hum the following lines, which I heard shortly + after my landing, and which well express my own feelings for the "loved + spot." + </p> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + Oh! Dublin, sure, there is no doubtin',<br /> Beats every city upon the + say.<br /> 'Tis there you'll see O'Connell spouting,<br /> And Lady + Morgan making "tay."<br /> For 'tis the capital of the greatest nation<br /> + With finest peasantry on a fruitful sod,<br /> Fighting like devils for + conciliation,<br /> And hating each other for the love of God.<br /> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + Once more, then, I found myself in the "most car-drivingest city," en + route to join on the expiration of my leave. Since my departure, my + regiment had been ordered to Kilkenny, that sweet city, so famed in song + for its "fire without smoke;" but which, were its character in any way to + be derived from its past or present representative, might certainly, with + more propriety, reverse the epithet, and read "smoke without fire." My + last communication from head-quarters was full of nothing but gay doings + —balls, dinners, dejeunes, and more than all, private theatricals, + seemed to occupy the entire attention of every man of the gallant __th. I + was earnestly entreated to come, without waiting for the end of my leave—that + several of my old "parts were kept open for me;" and that, in fact, the + "boys of Kilkenny" were on tip-toe in expectation of my arrival, as though + his Majesty's mail were to convey a Kean or a Kemble. I shuddered a little + as I read this, and recollected "my last appearance on any stage," little + anticipating, at the moment, that my next was to be nearly as productive + of the ludicrous, as time and my confessions will show. One circumstance, + however, gave me considerable pleasure. It was this:—I took it for + granted that, in the varied and agreeable occupations which so pleasurable + a career opened, my adventures in love would escape notice, and that I + should avoid the merciless raillery my two failures, in six months, might + reasonably be supposed to call forth. I therefore wrote a hurried note to + Curzon, setting forth the great interest all their proceedings had for me, + and assuring him that my stay in town should be as short as possible, for + that I longed once more to "strut the monarch of the boards," and + concluded with a sly paragraph, artfully intended to act as a + "paratonnere" to the gibes and jests which I dreaded, by endeavouring to + make light of my matrimonial speculations. The postscript ran somewhat + thus—"Glorious fun have I had since we met; but were it not that my + good angel stood by me, I should write these hurried lines with a wife at + my elbow; but luck, that never yet deserted, is still faithful to your old + friend, H. Lorrequer." + </p> + <p> + My reader may suppose—for he is sufficiently behind the scenes with + me—with what feelings I penned these words; yet any thing was better + than the attack I looked forward to: and I should rather have changed into + the Cape Rifle Corps, or any other army of martyrs, than meet my mess with + all the ridicule my late proceedings exposed me to. Having disburthened my + conscience of this dread, I finished my breakfast, and set out on a stroll + through the town. + </p> + <p> + I believe it is Coleridge who somewhere says, that to transmit the first + bright and early impressions of our youth, fresh and uninjured to a remote + period of life, constitutes one of the loftiest prerogatives of genius. If + this be true, and I am not disposed to dispute it—what a gifted + people must be the worthy inhabitants of Dublin; for I scruple not to + affirm, that of all cities of which we have any record in history, sacred + or profane, there is not one so little likely to disturb the tranquil + current of such reminiscences. "As it was of old, so is it now," enjoying + a delightful permanency in all its habits and customs, which no changes + elsewhere disturb or affect; and in this respect I defy O'Connell and all + the tail to refuse it the epithet of "Conservative." + </p> + <p> + Had the excellent Rip Van Winkle, instead of seeking his repose upon the + cold and barren acclivities of the Kaatskills—as we are veritably + informed by Irving—but betaken himself to a comfortable bed at + Morrison's or the Bilton, not only would he have enjoyed a more agreeable + siesta, but, what the event showed of more consequence, the pleasing + satisfaction of not being disconcerted by novelty on his awakening. It is + possible that the waiter who brought him the water to shave, for Rip's + beard, we are told, had grown uncommonly long—might exhibit a little + of that wear and tear to which humanity is liable from time; but had he + questioned him as to the ruling topics—the proper amusements of the + day —he would have heard, as he might have done twenty years before, + that there was a meeting to convert Jews at the Rotunda; another to rob + parsons at the Corn Exchange; that the Viceroy was dining with the + Corporation, and congratulating them on the prosperity of Ireland, while + the inhabitants were regaled with a procession of the "broad ribbon + weavers," who had not weaved, heaven knows when! This, with an occasional + letter from Mr. O'Connell, and now and then a duel in the "Phaynix," + constituted the current pastimes of the city. Such, at least, were they in + my day; and though far from the dear locale, an odd flitting glance at the + newspapers induces me to believe that matters are not much changed since. + </p> + <p> + I rambled through the streets for some hours, revolving such thoughts as + pressed upon me involuntarily by all I saw. The same little grey + homunculus that filled my "prince's mixture" years before, stood behind + the counter at Lundy Foot's, weighing out rappee and high toast, just as I + last saw him. The fat college porter, that I used to mistake in my + school-boy days for the Provost, God forgive me! was there as fat and as + ruddy as heretofore, and wore his Roman costume of helmet and plush + breeches, with an air as classic. The old state trumpeter at the castle, + another object of my youthful veneration, poor "old God save the King" as + we used to call him, walked the streets as of old; his cheeks indeed, a + little more lanky and tendinous; but then there had been many viceregal + changes, and the "one sole melody his heart delighted in," had been more + frequently called in requisition, as he marched in solemn state with the + other antique gentlemen in tabards. As I walked along, each moment some + old and early association being suggested by the objects around, I felt my + arm suddenly seized. I turned hastily round, and beheld a very old + companion in many a hard-fought field and merry bivouack. Tom O'Flaherty + of the 8th. Poor Tom was sadly changed since we last met, which was at a + ball in Madrid. He was then one of the best-looking fellows of his "style" + I ever met,—tall and athletic, with the easy bearing of a man of the + world, and a certain jauntiness that I have never seen but in Irishmen who + have mixed much in society. + </p> + <p> + There was also a certain peculiar devil-may-care recklessness about the + self-satisfied swagger of his gait, and the free and easy glance of his + sharp black eye, united with a temper that nothing could ruffle, and a + courage nothing could daunt. With such qualities as these, he had been the + prime favourite of his mess, to which he never came without some droll + story to relate, or some choice expedient for future amusement. Such had + Tom once been; now he was much altered, and though the quiet twinkle of + his dark eye showed that the spirit of fun within was not "dead, but only + sleeping,"—to myself, who knew something of his history, it seemed + almost cruel to awaken him to any thing which might bring him back to the + memory of by-gone days. A momentary glance showed me that he was no longer + what he had been, and that the unfortunate change in his condition, the + loss of all his earliest and oldest associates, and his blighted + prospects, had nearly broken a heart that never deserted a friend, nor + quailed before an enemy. Poor O'Flaherty was no more the delight of the + circle he once adorned; the wit that "set the table in a roar" was all but + departed. He had been dismissed the service!!—The story is a brief + one:— + </p> + <p> + In the retreat from Burgos, the __ Light Dragoons, after a most fatiguing + day's march, halted at the wretched village of Cabenas. It had been + deserted by the inhabitants the day before, who, on leaving, had set it on + fire; and the blackened walls and fallen roof-trees were nearly all that + now remained to show where the little hamlet had once stood. + </p> + <p> + Amid a down-pour of rain, that had fallen for several hours, drenched to + the skin, cold, weary, and nearly starving, the gallant 8th reached this + melancholy spot at nightfall, with little better prospect of protection + from the storm than the barren heath through which their road led might + afford them. Among the many who muttered curses, not loud but deep, on the + wretched termination to their day's suffering, there was one who kept up + his usual good spirits, and not only seemed himself nearly regardless of + the privations and miseries about him, but actually succeeded in making + the others who rode alongside as perfectly forgetful of their annoyances + and troubles as was possible under such circumstances. Good stories, + joking allusions to the more discontented ones of the party, ridiculous + plans for the night's encampment, followed each other so rapidly, that the + weariness of the way was forgotten; and while some were cursing their hard + fate, that ever betrayed them into such misfortunes, the little group + round O'Flaherty were almost convulsed with laughter at the wit and + drollery of one, over whom if the circumstances had any influence, they + seemed only to heighten his passion for amusement. In the early part of + the morning he had captured a turkey, which hung gracefully from his + holster on one side, while a small goat-skin of Valencia wine balanced it + on the other. These good things were destined to form a feast that + evening, to which he had invited four others; that being, according to his + most liberal calculation, the greatest number to whom he could afford a + reasonable supply of wine. + </p> + <p> + When the halt was made, it took some time to arrange the dispositions for + the night; and it was nearly midnight before all the regiment had got + their billets and were housed, even with such scanty accommodation as the + place afforded. Tom's guests had not yet arrived, and he himself was + busily engaged in roasting the turkey before a large fire, on which stood + a capacious vessel of spiced wine, when the party appeared. A very cursory + "reconnaissance" through the house, one of the only ones untouched in the + village, showed that from the late rain it would be impossible to think of + sleeping in the lower story, which already showed signs of being flooded; + they therefore proceeded in a body up stairs, and what was their delight + to find a most comfortable room, neatly furnished with chairs, and a + table; but, above all, a large old-fashioned bed, an object of such luxury + as only an old campaigner can duly appreciate. The curtains were closely + tucked in all round, and, in their fleeting and hurried glance, they felt + no inclination to disturb them, and rather proceeded to draw up the table + before the hearth, to which they speedily removed the fire from below; + and, ere many minutes, with that activity which a bivouack life invariably + teaches, their supper smoked before them, and five happier fellows did not + sit down that night within a large circuit around. Tom was unusually + great; stories of drollery unlocked before, poured from him unceasingly, + and what with his high spirits to excite them, and the reaction inevitable + after a hard day's severe march, the party soon lost the little reason + that usually sufficed to guide them, and became as pleasantly tipsy as can + well be conceived. However, all good things must have an end, and so had + the wine-skin. Tom had placed it affectionately under his arm like a + bag-pipe and failed, with even a most energetic squeeze, to extract a + drop; there was no nothing for it but to go to rest, and indeed it seemed + the most prudent thing for the party. + </p> + <p> + The bed became accordingly a subject of grave deliberation; for as it + could only hold two, and the party were five, there seemed some difficulty + in submitting their chances to lot, which all agreed was the fairest way. + While this was under discussion, one of the party had approached the + contested prize, and, taking up the curtains, proceeded to jump in—when, + what was his astonishment to discover that it was already occupied. The + exclamation of surprise he gave forth soon brought the others to his side; + and to their horror, drunk as they were, they found that the body before + them was that of a dead man, arrayed in all the ghastly pomp of a corpse. + A little nearer inspection showed that he had been a priest, probably the + Padre of the village; on his head he had a small velvet skull cap, + embroidered with a cross, and his body was swathed in a vestment, such as + priests usually wear at the mass; in his hand he held a large wax taper, + which appeared to have burned only half down, and probably been + extinguished by the current of air on opening the door. After the first + brief shock which this sudden apparition had caused, the party recovered + as much of their senses as the wine had left them, and proceeded to + discuss what was to be done under the circumstances; for not one of them + ever contemplated giving up a bed to a dead priest, while five living men + slept on the ground. After much altercation, O'Flaherty, who had hitherto + listened without speaking, interrupted the contending parties, saying, + "stop, lads, I have it." + </p> + <p> + "Come," said one of them, "let us hear Tom's proposal." + </p> + <p> + "Oh," said he, with difficulty steadying himself while he spoke, "we'll + put him to bed with old Ridgeway, the quarter-master!" + </p> + <p> + The roar of loud laughter that followed Tom's device was renewed again and + again, till not a man could speak from absolute fatigue. There was not a + dissentient voice. Old Ridgeway was hated in the corps, and a better way + of disposing of the priest and paying off the quarter-master could not be + thought of. + </p> + <p> + Very little time sufficed for their preparations; and if they had been + brought up under the Duke of Portland himself, they could not have + exhibited a greater taste for a "black job." The door of the room was + quickly taken from its hinges, and the priest placed upon it at full + length; a moment more sufficed to lift the door upon their shoulders, and, + preceded by Tom, who lit a candle in honour of being, as he said, "chief + mourner," they took their way through the camp towards Ridgeway's + quarters. When they reached the hut where their victim lay, Tom ordered a + halt, and proceeded stealthily into the house to reconnoitre. The old + quarter-master he found stretched on his sheep-skin before a large fire, + the remnants of an ample supper strewed about him, and two empty bottles + standing on the hearth—his deep snoring showed that all was safe, + and that no fears of his awaking need disturb them. His shako and sword + lay near him, but his sabertasche was under his head. Tom carefully + withdrew the two former; and hastening to his friends without, proceeded + to decorate the priest with them; expressing, at the same time, + considerable regret that he feared it might wake Ridgeway, if he were to + put the velvet skull-cap on him for a night-cap. + </p> + <p> + Noiselessly and steadily they now entered, and proceeded to put down their + burden, which, after a moment's discussion, they agreed to place between + the quarter-master and the fire, of which, hitherto, he had reaped ample + benefit. This done, they stealthily retreated, and hurried back to their + quarters, unable to speak with laughter at the success of their plot, and + their anticipation of Ridgeway's rage on awakening in the morning. + </p> + <p> + It was in the dim twilight of a hazy morning, that the bugler of the 8th + aroused the sleeping soldiers from their miserable couches, which, + wretched as they were, they, nevertheless, rose from reluctantly—so + wearied and fatigued had they been by the preceding day's march; not one + among the number felt so indisposed to stir as the worthy quarter-master; + his peculiar avocations had demanded a more than usual exertion on his + part, and in the posture he had laid down at night, he rested till + morning, without stirring a limb. Twice the reveille had rung through the + little encampment, and twice the quarter-master had essayed to open his + eyes, but in vain; at last he made a tremendous effort, and sat bolt + upright on the floor, hoping that the sudden effort might sufficiently + arouse him; slowly his eyes opened, and the first thing they beheld was + the figure of the dead priest, with a light cavalry helmet on his head, + seated before him. Ridgeway, who was "bon Catholique," trembled in every + joint—it might be a ghost, it might be a warning, he knew not what + to think—he imagined the lips moved, and so overcome with terror was + he at last, that he absolutely shouted like a maniac, and never cased till + the hut was filled with officers and men, who hearing the uproar ran to + his aid—the surprise of the poor quarter-master at the apparition, + was scarcely greater than that of the beholders—no one was able to + afford any explanation of the circumstance, though all were assured that + it must have been done in jest—the door upon which the priest had + been conveyed, afforded the clue—they had forgotten to restore it to + its place—accordingly the different billets were examined, and at + last O'Flaherty was discovered in a most commodious bed, in a large room + without a door, still fast asleep, and alone; how and when he had parted + from his companions, he never could precisely explain, though he has since + confessed it was part of his scheme to lead them astray in the village, + and then retire to the bed, which he had determined to appropriate to his + sole use. + </p> + <p> + Old Ridgeway's rage knew no bounds; he absolutely foamed with passion, and + in proportion as he was laughed at his choler rose higher; had this been + the only result, it had been well for poor Tom, but unfortunately the + affair got to be rumoured through the country—the inhabitants of the + village learned the indignity with which the Padre had been treated; they + addressed a memorial to Lord Wellington—inquiry was immediately + instituted—O'Flaherty was tried by court martial, and found guilty; + nothing short of the heaviest punishment that could be inflicted under the + circumstances would satisfy the Spaniards, and at that precise period it + was part of our policy to conciliate their esteem by every means in our + power. The commander-in-chief resolved to make what he called an + "example," and poor O'Flaherty—the life and soul of his regiment—the + darling of his mess, was broke, and pronounced incapable of ever serving + his Majesty again. Such was the event upon which my poor friend's fortune + in life seemed to hinge—he returned to Ireland, if not entirely + broken-hearted, so altered that his best friends scarcely knew him; his + "occupation was gone;" the mess had been his home; his brother officers + were to him in place of relatives, and he had lost all. His after life was + spent in rambling from one watering place to another, more with the air of + one who seeks to consume than enjoy his time; and with such a change in + appearance as the alteration in his fortune had effected, he now stood + before me, but altogether so different a man, that but for the well-known + tones of a voice that had often convulsed me with laughter, I should + scarcely have recognised him. + </p> + <p> + "Lorrequer, my old friend, I never thought of seeing you here—this + is indeed a piece of good luck." + </p> + <p> + "Why, Tom? You surely knew that the __ were in Ireland, didn't you?" + </p> + <p> + "To be sure. I dined with them only a few days ago, but they told me you + were off to Paris, to marry something superlatively beautiful, and most + enormously rich, the daughter of a duke, if I remember right; but certes, + they said your fortune was made, and I need not tell you, there was not a + man among them better pleased that I was to hear it." + </p> + <p> + "Oh! they said so, did they? Droll dogs—always quizzing—I + wonder you did not perceive the hoax—eh—very good, was it + not?" This I poured out in short broken sentences, blushing like scarlet, + and fidgeting like a school girl with downright nervousness. + </p> + <p> + "A hoax! devilish well done too,"—said Tom, "for old Carden believed + the whole story, and told me that he had obtained a six months' leave for + you to make your 'com.' and, moreover, said that he had got a letter from + the nobleman, Lord _____ confound his name." + </p> + <p> + "Lord Grey, is it?" said I, with a sly look at Tom. + </p> + <p> + "No, my dear friend," said he drily, "it was not Lord Grey—but to + continue—he had got a letter from him, dated from Paris, stating his + surprise that you had never joined them there, according to promise, and + that they knew your cousin Guy, and a great deal of other matter I can't + remember—so what does all this mean? Did you hoax the noble Lord as + well as the Horse Guards, Harry?" + </p> + <p> + This was indeed a piece of news for me; I stammered out some ridiculous + explanation, and promised a fuller detail. Could it be that I had done the + Callonbys injustice, and that they never intended to break off my + attention to Lady Jane—that she was still faithful, and that of all + concerned I alone had been to blame. Oh! how I hoped this might be the + case; heavily as my conscience might accuse, I longed ardently to forgive + and deal mercifully with myself. Tom continued to talk about indifferent + matters, as these thoughts flitted through my mind; perceiving at last + that I did not attend, he stopped suddenly and said— + </p> + <p> + "Harry, I see clearly that something has gone wrong, and perhaps I can + make a guess at the mode too: but however, you can do nothing about it + now; come and dine with me to-day, and we'll discuss the affair together + after dinner; or if you prefer a 'distraction,' as we used to say in + Dunkerque, why then I'll arrange something fashionable for your evening's + amusement. Come, what say you to hearing Father Keogh preach, or would you + like a supper at the Carlingford, or perhaps you prefer a soiree chez + Miladi; for all of these Dublin affords—all three good in their way, + and very intellectual." + </p> + <p> + "Well, Tom, I'm yours; but I should prefer your dining with me; I am at + Bilton's; we'll have our cutlet quite alone, and—" + </p> + <p> + "And be heartily sick of each other, you were going to add. No, no, Harry; + you must dine with me; I have some remarkably nice people to present you + to—six is the hour—sharp six—number ___ + Molesworth-street, Mrs. Clanfrizzle's—easily find it—large + fanlight over the door—huge lamp in the hall, and a strong odour of + mutton broth for thirty yards on each side of the premises—and as + good luck would have it, I see old Daly the counsellor, as they call him, + he's the very man to get to meet you, you always liked a character, eh!" + </p> + <p> + Saying this, O'Flaherty disengaged himself from my arm, and hurried across + the street towards a portly middle-aged looking gentleman, with the + reddest face I ever beheld. After a brief but very animated colloquy, Tom + returned, and informed that that all was right; he had secured Daly. + </p> + <p> + "And who is Daly?" said I, inquiringly, for I was rather interested in + hearing what peculiar qualification as a diner-out the counsellor might + lay claim to, many of Tom's friends being as remarkable for being the + quizzed as the quizzers. + </p> + <p> + "Daly," said he, "is the brother of a most distinguished member of the + Irish bar, of which he himself is also a follower, bearing however, no + other resemblance to the clever man than the name, for as assuredly as the + reputation of the one is inseparably linked with success, so unerringly is + the other coupled with failure, and strange to say, that the stupid man is + fairly convinced that his brother owes all his success to him, and that to + his disinterested kindness the other is indebted for his present exalted + station. Thus it is through life; there seems ever to accompany dullness a + sustaining power of vanity, that like a life-buoy, keeps a mass afloat + whose weight unassisted would sink into obscurity. Do you know that my + friend Denis there imagines himself the first man that ever enlightened + Sir Robert Peel as to Irish affairs; and, upon my word, his reputation on + this head stands incontestably higher than on most others." + </p> + <p> + "You surely cannot mean that Sir Roert Peel ever consulted with, much less + relied upon, the statements of such a person, as you described you friend + Denis to be?" + </p> + <p> + "He did both—and if he was a little puzzled by the information, the + only disgrace attaches to a government that send men to rule over us + unacquainted with our habits of thinking, and utterly ignorant of the + language—ay, I repeat it—but come, you shall judge for + yourself; the story is a short one, and fortunately so, for I must hasten + home to give timely notice of your coming to dine with me. When the + present Sir Robert Peel, then Mr. Peel, came over here, as secretary to + Ireland, a very distinguished political leader of the day invited a party + to meet him at dinner, consisting of men of different political leanings; + among whom were, as may be supposed, many members of the Irish bar; the + elder Daly was too remarkable a person to be omitted, but as the two + brothers resided together, there was a difficulty about getting him—however, + he must be had, and the only alternative that presented itself was adopted + —both were invited. When the party descended to the dining-room, by + one of those unfortunate accidents, which as the proverb informs us + occasionally take place in the best regulated establishments, the wrong + Mr. Daly got placed beside Mr. Peel, which post of honor had been destined + by the host for the more agreeable and talented brother. There was now no + help for it; and with a heart somewhat nervous for the consequences of the + proximity, the worthy entertainer sat down to do the honors as best he + might; he was consoled during dinner by observing that the devotion + bestowed by honest Denis on the viands before him effectually absorbed his + faculties, and thereby threw the entire of Mr. Peel's conversation towards + the gentleman on his other flank. This happiness was like most others, + destined to be a brief one. As the dessert made its appearance, Mr. Peel + began to listen with some attention to the conversation of the persons + opposite; with one of whom he was struck most forcibly—so happy a + power of illustration, so vivid a fancy, such logical precision in + argument as he evinced, perfectly charmed and surprised him. Anxious to + learn the name of so gifted an individual, he turned towards his hitherto + silent neighbour and demanded who he was. + </p> + <p> + "'Who is he, is it?' said Denis, hesitatingly, as if he half doubted such + extent of ignorance as not to know the person alluded to. + </p> + <p> + "Mr. Peel bowed in acquiescence. + </p> + <p> + "'That's Bushe!' said Denis, giving at the same time the same sound to the + vowel, u, as it obtains when occurring in the word 'rush.' + </p> + <p> + "'I beg pardon,' said Mr. Peel, 'I did not hear.' + </p> + <p> + "'Bushe!' replied Denis, with considerable energy of tone. + </p> + <p> + "'Oh, yes! I know,' said the secretary, 'Mr. Bushe, a very distinguished + member of your bar, I have heard.' + </p> + <p> + "'Faith, you may say that!' said Denis, tossing off his wine at what he + esteemed a very trite observation. + </p> + <p> + "'Pray,' said Mr. Peel, again returning to the charge, though certainly + feeling not a little surprised at the singular laconicism of his + informant, no less than the mellifluous tones of an accent then perfectly + new to him. 'Pray, may I ask, what is the peculiar character of Mr. + Bushe's eloquence? I mean of course, in his professional capacity.' + </p> + <p> + "'Eh!' said Denis, 'I don't comprehend you exactly.' + </p> + <p> + "'I mean,' said Mr. Peel, 'in one word, what's his forte?' + </p> + <p> + "'His forte!' + </p> + <p> + "'I mean what his peculiar gift consists in—' + </p> + <p> + "'Oh, I perceave—I have ye now—the juries!' + </p> + <p> + "'Ah! addressing a jury.' + </p> + <p> + "'Ay, the juries.' + </p> + <p> + "'Can you oblige me by giving me any idea of the manner in which he + obtains such signal success in this difficult branch of eloquence.' + </p> + <p> + "'I'll tell ye,' said Denis, leisurely finishing his glass, and smacking + his lips, with the air of a man girding up his loins for a mighty effort, + 'I'll tell ye—well, ye see the way he has is this,'—here Mr. + Peel's expectation rose to the highest degree of interest,—'the way + he has is this—he first butthers them up, and then slithers them + down! that's all, devil a more of a secret there's in it.'" + </p> + <p> + How much reason Denis had to boast of imparting early information to the + new secretary I leave my English readers to guess; my Irish ones I may + trust to do him ample justice. + </p> + <p> + My friend now left me to my own devices to while away the hours till time + to dress for dinner. Heaven help the gentleman so left in Dublin, say I. + It is, perhaps, the only city of its size in the world, where there is no + lounge—no promenade. Very little experience of it will convince you + that it abounds in pretty women, and has its fair share of agreeable men; + but where are they in the morning? I wish Sir Dick Lauder, instead of + speculating where salmon spent the Christmas holidays, would apply his + most inquiring mind to such a question as this. True it is, however, they + are not to be found. The squares are deserted—the streets are very + nearly so—and all that is left to the luckless wanderer in search of + the beautiful, is to ogle the beauties of Dame-street, who are shopkeepers + in Grafton-street, or the beauties of Grafton-street, who are shopkeepers + in Dame-street. But, confound it, how cranky I am getting—I must be + tremendously hungry. True, it's past six. So now for my suit of sable, and + then to dinner. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + <a name="ch13" id="ch13"></a>CHAPTER XIII. + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + DUBLIN—THE BOARDING-HOUSE—SELECT SOCIETY. + </h3> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + <a name="Mr._Cudmore_Filling_the_Teapot" + id="Mr._Cudmore_Filling_the_Teapot">Mr. Cudmore Filling the Teapot</a> + </h3> + <p> + <a href="images2/Ch13Mr.CudmoreFillingTeapot.jpg"> + <img alt="Ch 13 Mr. Cudmore Filling Teapot.jpg (68K)" + src="images/Ch13Mr.CudmoreFillingTeapot.jpg" height="780" + width="480" /></a> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + Punctual to my appointment with O'Flaherty, I found myself a very few + minutes after six o'clock at Mrs. Clanfrizzle's door. My very + authoritative summons at the bell was answered by the appearance of a + young, pale-faced invalid, in a suit of livery the taste of which bore a + very unpleasant resemblance to the one I so lately figured in. It was with + considerable difficulty I persuaded this functionary to permit my carrying + my hat with me to the drawing-room, a species of caution on my part—as + he esteemed it—savouring much of distrust. This point however, I + carried, and followed him up a very ill-lighted stair to the drawing-room; + here I was announced by some faint resemblance to my real name, but + sufficiently near to bring my friend Tom at once to meet me, who + immediately congratulated me on my fortune in coming off so well, for that + the person who preceded me, Mr. Jones Blennerhasset, had been just + announced as Mr. Blatherhasit—a change the gentleman himself was not + disposed to adopt—"But come along, Harry, while we are waiting for + Daly, let me make you known to some of our party; this, you must know, is + a boarding-house, and always has some capital fun—queerest people + you ever met—I have only one hint—cut every man, woman, and + child of them, if you meet them hereafter—I do it myself, though I + have lived here these six months." Pleasant people, thought I, these must + be, with whom such a line is advisable, much less practicable. + </p> + <p> + "Mrs. Clanfrizzle, my friend Mr. Lorrequer; thinks he'll stay the summer + in town. Mrs. Clan—, should like him to be one of us." This latter + was said sotto voce, and was a practice he continued to adopt in + presenting me to his several friends through the room. + </p> + <p> + Miss Riley, a horrid old fright, in a bird of paradise plume, and corked + eyebrows, gibbetted in gilt chains and pearl ornaments, and looking as the + grisettes say, "superbe en chrysolite"—"Miss Riley, Captain + Lorrequer, a friend I have long desired to present to you—fifteen + thousand a-year and a baronetcy, if he has sixpence"—sotto again. + "Surgeon M'Culloch—he likes the title," said Tom in a whisper—"Surgeon, + Captain Lorrequer. By the by, lest I forget it, he wishes to speak to you + in the morning about his health; he is stopping at Sandymount for the + baths; you could go out there, eh!" The tall thing in green spectacles + bowed, and acknowledged Tom's kindness by a knowing touch of the elbow. In + this way he made the tour of the room for about ten minutes, during which + brief space, I was according to the kind arrangements of O'Flaherty, + booked as a resident in the boarding-house—a lover to at least five + elderly, and three young ladies—a patient—a client—a + second in a duel to a clerk in the post-office—and had also + volunteered (through him always) to convey, by all of his Majesty's mails, + as many parcels, packets, band-boxes, and bird-cages, as would have + comfortably filled one of Pickford's vans. All this he told me was + requisite to my being well received, though no one thought much of any + breach of compact subsequently, except Mrs. Clan—herself. The ladies + had, alas! been often treated vilely before; the doctor had never had a + patient; and as for the belligerent knight of the dead office, he'd rather + die than fight any day. + </p> + <p> + The last person to whom my friend deemed it necessary to introduce me, was + a Mr. Garret Cudmore, from the Reeks of Kerry, lately matriculated to all + the honors of freshmanship in the Dublin university. This latter was a + low-sized, dark-browed man, with round shoulders, and particularly long + arms, the disposal of which seemed sadly to distress him. He possessed the + most perfect brogue I ever listened to; but it was difficult to get him to + speak, for on coming up to town some weeks before, he had been placed by + some intelligent friend at Mrs. Clanfrizzle's establishment, with the + express direction to mark and thoroughly digest as much as he could of the + habits and customs of the circle about him, which he was rightly informed + was the very focus of good breeding and haut ton; but on no account, + unless driven thereto by the pressure of sickness, or the wants of nature, + to trust himself with speech, which, in his then uninformed state, he was + assured would inevitably ruin him among his fastidiously cultivated + associates. + </p> + <p> + To the letter and the spirit of the despatch he had received, the worthy + Garret acted rigidly, and his voice was scarcely ever known to transgress + the narrow limits prescribed by his friends. In more respects that one, + was this a good resolve; for so completely had he identified himself with + college habits, things, and phrases, that whenever he conversed, he became + little short of unintelligible to the vulgar—a difficulty not + decreased by his peculiar pronunciation. + </p> + <p> + My round of presentation was just completed, when the pale figure in light + blue livery announced Counsellor Daly and dinner, for both came + fortunately together. Taking the post of honour, Miss Riley's arm, I + followed Tom, who I soon perceived ruled the whole concern, as he led the + way with another ancient vestal in black stain and bugles. The long + procession wound its snake-like length down the narrow stair, and into the + dining-room, where at last we all got seated; and here let me briefly + vindicate the motives of my friend—should any unkind person be found + to impute to his selection of a residence, any base and grovelling passion + for gourmandaise, that day's experience should be an eternal vindication + of him. The soup—alas! that I should so far prostitute the word; for + the black broth of Sparta was mock turtle in comparison—retired to + make way for a mass of beef, whose tenderness I did not question; for it + sank beneath the knife of the carver like a feather bed—the skill of + Saladin himself would have failed to divide it. The fish was a most + rebellious pike, and nearly killed every loyal subject at table; and then + down the sides were various comestibles of chickens, with azure bosoms, + and hams with hides like a rhinoceros; covered dishes of decomposed + vegetable matter, called spinach and cabbage; potatoes arrayed in small + masses, and browned, resembling those ingenious architectural structures + of mud, children raise in the high ways, and call dirt-pies. Such were the + chief constituents of the "feed;" and such, I am bound to confess, waxed + beautifully less under the vigorous onslaught of the party. + </p> + <p> + The conversation soon became both loud and general. That happy familiarity—which + I had long believed to be the exclusive prerogative of a military mess, + where constant daily association sustains the interest of the veriest + trifles—I here found in a perfection I had not anticipated, with + this striking difference, that there was no absurd deference to any + existing code of etiquette in the conduct of the party generally, each + person quizzing his neighbour in the most free and easy style imaginable, + and all, evidently from long habit and conventional usage, seeming to + enjoy the practice exceedingly. Thus, droll allusions, good stories, and + smart repartees, fell thick as hail, and twice as harmless, which any + where else that I had ever heard of, would assuredly have called for more + explanations, and perhaps gunpowder, in the morning, than usually are + deemed agreeable. Here, however, they knew better; and though the lawyer + quizzed the doctor for never having another patient than the house dog, + all of whose arteries he had tied in the course of the winter for practice—and + the doctor retorted as heavily, by showing that the lawyer's practice had + been other than beneficial to those for whom he was concerned—his + one client being found guilty, mainly through his ingenious defence of + him; yet they never showed any, the slightest irritation—on the + contrary, such little playful badinage ever led to some friendly passages + of taking wine together, or in arrangements for a party to the "Dargle," + or "Dunleary;" and thus went on the entire party, the young ladies darting + an occasion slight at their elders, who certainly returned the fire, often + with advantage; all uniting now and then, however, in one common cause, an + attack of the whole line upon Mrs. Clanfrizzle herself, for the beef, or + the mutton, or the fish, or the poultry—each of which was sure to + find some sturdy defamer, ready and willing to give evidence in dispraise. + Yet even these, and I thought them rather dangerous sallies, led to no + more violent results than dignified replies from the worthy hostess, upon + the goodness of her fare, and the evident satisfaction it afforded while + being eaten, if the appetites of the party were a test. While this was at + its height, Tom stooped behind my chair, and whispered gently— + </p> + <p> + "This is good—isn't it, eh?—life in a boarding-house—quite + new to you; but they are civilized now compared to what you'll find them + in the drawing-room. When short whist for five-penny points sets in—then + Greek meets Greek, and we'll have it." + </p> + <p> + During all this melee tournament, I perceived that the worthy jib as he + would be called in the parlance of Trinity, Mr. Cudmore, remained + perfectly silent, and apparently terrified. The noise, the din of voices, + and the laughing, so completely addled him, that he was like one in a very + horrid dream. The attention with which I had observed him, having been + remarked by my friend O'Flaherty, he informed me that the scholar, as he + was called there, was then under a kind of cloud—an adventure which + occurred only two nights before, being too fresh in his memory to permit + him enjoying himself even to the limited extent it had been his wont to + do. As illustrative, not only of Mr. Cudmore, but the life I have been + speaking of, I may as well relate it. + </p> + <p> + Soon after Mr. Cudmore's enlistment under the banners of the Clanfrizzle, + he had sought and found an asylum in the drawing-room of the + establishment, which promised, from its geographical relations, to expose + him less to the molestations of conversation than most other parts of the + room. This was a small recess beside the fire-place, not uncommon in + old-fashioned houses, and which, from its incapacity to hold more than + one, secured to the worthy recluse the privacy he longed for; and here, + among superannuated hearth-brushes, an old hand screen, an asthmatic + bellows, and a kettle-holder, sat the timid youth, "alone, but in a + crowd." Not all the seductions of loo, limited to three pence, nor even + that most appropriately designated game, beggar-my-neighbour—could + withdraw him from his blest retreat. Like his countryman, St. Kevin—my + friend Petrie has ascertained that the saint was a native of Tralee—he + fled from the temptations of the world, and the blandishments of the fair; + but, alas! like the saint himself, the + </p> + <p> + "poor jib little knew<br /> All that wily sex can do;" + </p> + <p> + For while he hugged himself in the security of his fortress, the web of + his destiny was weaving. So true is it, as he himself used, no less + pathetically than poetically to express it, "misfortune will find you out, + if ye were hid in a tay chest." + </p> + <p> + It happened that in Mrs. Clanfrizzle's establishment, the "enfant bleu," + already mentioned, was the only individual of his sex retained; and + without for a moment disparaging the ability or attentions of this gifted + person, yet it may reasonably be credited, that in waiting on a party of + twenty-five or thirty persons at dinner, all of whom he had admitted as + porter, and announced as maitre d'hotel, with the subsequent detail of his + duties in the drawing-room, that Peter, blue Peter—his + boarding-house soubriquet—not enjoying the bird-like privilege of + "being in two places at once," gave one rather the impression of a person + of hasty and fidgetty habits—for which nervous tendency the + treatment he underwent was certainly injudicious—it being the + invariable custom for each guest to put his services in requisition, + perfectly irrespective of all other claims upon him, from whatsoever + quarter coming—and then, at the precise moment that the luckless + valet was snuffing the candles, he was abused by one for not bringing + coal; by another for having carried off his tea-cup, sent on an expedition + for sugar; by a third for having left the door open, which he had never + been near; and so on to the end of the chapter. + </p> + <p> + It chanced that a few evenings previous to my appearance at the house, + this indefatigable Caleb was ministering as usual to the various and + discrepant wants of the large party assembled in the drawing-room. With + his wonted alacrity he had withdrawn from their obscure retreat against + the wall, sundry little tables, destined for the players at whist, or + "spoil five"—the popular game of the establishment. With a dexterity + that savoured much of a stage education, he had arranged the candles, the + cards, the counters; he had poked the fire, settled the stool for Miss + Riley's august feet, and was busily engaged in changing five shillings + into small silver for a desperate victim of loo—when Mrs. + Clanfrizzle's third, and, as it appeared, last time, of asking for the + kettle smote upon his ear. His loyalty would have induced him at once to + desert every thing on such an occasion; but the other party engaged, held + him fast, saying— + </p> + <p> + "Never mind HER, Peter—you have sixpence more to give me." + </p> + <p> + Poor Peter rummaged one pocket, then another—discovering at last + three pence in copper, and some farthings, with which he seemed + endeavouring to make a composition with his creditor for twelve shillings + in the pound; when Mrs. Clan's patience finally becoming exhausted, she + turned towards Mr. Cudmore, the only unemployed person she could perceive, + and with her blandest smile said, + </p> + <p> + "Mr. Cudmore, may I take the liberty of requesting you would hand me the + kettle beside you." + </p> + <p> + Now, though the kettle aforesaid was, as the hostess very properly + observed, beside him, yet the fact that in complying with the demand, it + was necessary for the bashful youth to leave the recess he occupied, and, + with the kettle, proceed to walk half across the room—there to + perform certain manual operations requiring skill and presence of mind, + before a large and crowded assembly—was horror to the mind of the + poor Jib; and he would nearly as soon have acceded to a desire to dance a + hornpipe, if such had been suggested as the wish of the company. However, + there was nothing for it; and summoning up all his nerve—knitting + his brows—clenching his teeth, like one prepared to "do or die," he + seized the hissing cauldron, and strode through the room, like the + personified genius of steam, very much to the alarm of all the old ladies + in the vicinity, whose tasteful drapery benefitted but little from his + progress. Yet he felt but little of all this; he had brought up his + courage to the sticking place, and he was absolutely half unconscious of + the whole scene before him; nor was it till some kind mediator had seized + his arm, while another drew him back by the skirts of the coat, that he + desisted from the deluge of hot water, with which, having filled the + tea-pot, he proceeded to swamp every thing else upon the tray, in his + unfortunate abstraction. Mrs. Clanfrizzle screamed—the old ladies + accompanied her —the young ones tittered—the men laughed—and, + in a word, poor Cudmore, perfectly unconscious of any thing extraordinary, + felt himself the admired of all admirers,—very little, it is true, + to his own satisfaction. After some few minutes exposure to these eclats + de rire, he succeeded in depositing the source of his griefs within the + fender, and once more retired to his sanctuary,—having registered a + vow, which, should I speak it, would forfeit his every claim to gallantry + for ever. + </p> + <p> + Whether in the vow aforesaid Mr. Cudmore had only been engaged in that + species of tesselating which furnishes the pavement so celebrated in the + lower regions, I know not; but true it is, that he retired that night to + his chamber very much discomfited at his debut in the great world, and + half disposed to believe that nature had neither intended him for a + Brummel nor a D'Orsay. While he was ruminating on such matters, he was + joined by O'Flaherty, with whom he had been always more intimate than any + other inmate of the house—Tom's tact having entirely concealed what + the manners of the others too plainly evinced, the perfect appreciation of + the student's oddity and singularity. After some few observations on + general matters, O'Flaherty began with a tone of some seriousness to + express towards Cudmore the warm interest he had ever taken in him, since + his first coming among them; his great anxiety for his welfare, and his + firm resolve that no chance or casual inattention to mere ceremonial + observances on his part should ever be seized on by the other guests as a + ground for detraction or an excuse for ridicule of him. + </p> + <p> + "Rely upon it, my dear boy," said he, "I have watched over you like a + parent; and having partly foreseen that something like this affair of + to-night would take place sooner or later"— + </p> + <p> + "What affair?" said Cudmore—his eyes staring half out of his head. + </p> + <p> + "That business of the kettle." + </p> + <p> + "Kett—el. The kettle! What of that?" said Cudmore. + </p> + <p> + "What of it? Why, if you don't feel it, I am sure it is not my duty to + remind you; only"— + </p> + <p> + "Feel it—oh, yes. I saw them laughing, because I spilled the water + over old Mrs. Jones, or something of that sort." + </p> + <p> + "No, no, my dear young friend, they were not laughing at that—their + mirth had another object." + </p> + <p> + "What the devil was it at, then?" + </p> + <p> + "You don't know, don't you?" + </p> + <p> + "No; I really do not." + </p> + <p> + "Nor can't guess—eh?" + </p> + <p> + "Confound me if I can." + </p> + <p> + "Well. I see, Mr. Cudmore, you are really too innocent for these people. + But come—it shall never be said that youth and inexperience ever + suffered from the unworthy ridicule and cold sarcasm of the base world, + while Tom O'Flaherty stood by a spectator. + </p> + <p> + "Sir," said Tom, striking his hand with energy on the table, and darting a + look of fiery indignation from his eye, "Sir, you were this night + trepanned—yes, sir, vilely, shamefully trepanned—I repeat the + expression—into the performance of a menial office—an office + so degrading, so offensive, so unbecoming the rank, the station, and the + habits of gentlemen, my very blood recoils when I only think of the + indignity." + </p> + <p> + The expression of increasing wonder and surprise depicted in Mr. Cudmore's + face at these words, my friend Phiz might convey—I cannot venture to + describe it—suffice it to say, that even O'Flaherty himself found it + difficult to avoid a burst of laughter, as he looked at him and resumed. + </p> + <p> + "Witnessing, as I did, the entire occurrence; feeling deeply for the + inexperience which the heartless worldlings had dared to trample upon, I + resolved to stand by you, and here I am come for that purpose." + </p> + <p> + "Well, but what in the devil's name have I done all this time?" + </p> + <p> + "What! are you still ignorant?—is it possible? Did you not hand the + kettle from the fire-place, and fill the tea-pot?—answer me that!" + </p> + <p> + "I did," said Cudmore, with a voice already becoming tremulous. + </p> + <p> + "Is that the duty of a gentleman?—answer me that." + </p> + <p> + A dead pause stood in place of a reply, while Tom proceeded— + </p> + <p> + "Did you ever hear any one ask me, or Counsellor Daly, or Mr. Fogarty, or + any other person to do so?—answer me that." + </p> + <p> + "No; never" muttered Cudmore, with a sinking spirit. + </p> + <p> + "Well then why may I ask, were you selected for an office that by your own + confession, no one else would stoop to perform? I'll tell you, because + from your youth and inexperience, your innocence was deemed a fit victim + to the heartless sneers of a cold and unfeeling world." And here Tom broke + forth into a very beautiful apostrophe, beginning— + </p> + <p> + "Oh, virtue!" (this I am unfortunately unable to present to my readers; + and must only assure them that it was a very faithful imitation of the + well-known one delivered by Burke in the case of Warren Hastings,) and + concluding with an exhortation to Cudmore to wipe out the stain of his + wounded honour, by repelling with indignation the slightest future attempt + at such an insult. + </p> + <p> + This done, O'Flaherty retired, leaving Cudmore to dig among Greek roots, + and chew over the cud of his misfortune. Punctual to the time and place, + that same evening beheld the injured Cudmore resume his wonted corner, + pretty much with the feeling with which a forlorn hope stands match in + hand to ignite the train destined to explode with ruin to thousands—himself + perhaps amongst the number: there he sat with a brain as burning, and a + heart as excited, as though, instead of sipping his bohea beside a + sea-coal fire, he was that instant trembling beneath the frown of Dr. + Elrington, for the blunders in his Latin theme, and what terror to the + mind of a "Jib" can equal that one? + </p> + <p> + As luck would have it, this was a company night in the boarding-house. + Various young ladies in long blue sashes, and very broad ribbon sandals, + paraded the rooms, chatting gaily with very distinguished looking young + gentlemen, with gold brooches, and party-coloured inside waistcoats; + sundry elderly ladies sat at card-tables, discussing the "lost honour by + an odd trick they played," with heads as large as those of Jack or Jill in + the pantomime; spruce clerks in public offices, (whose vocation the + expansive tendency of the right ear, from long pen-carrying, betokened) + discussed fashion, "and the musical glasses" to some very over-dressed + married ladies, who preferred flirting to five-and-ten. The tea-table, + over which the amiable hostess presided, had also its standing votaries: + mostly grave parliamentary-looking gentlemen, with powdered heads, and + very long-waisted black coats, among whom the Sir Oracle was a functionary + of his Majesty's High Court of Chancery, though I have reason to believe, + not, Lord Manners: meanwhile, in all parts of the room might be seen Blue + Peter, distributing tea, coffee, and biscuit, and occasionally + interchanging a joke with the dwellers in the house. While all these + pleasing occupations proceeded, the hour of Cudmore's trial was + approaching. The tea-pot which had stood the attack of fourteen cups + without flinching, at last began to fail, and discovered to the prying + eyes of Mrs. Clanfrizzle, nothing but an olive-coloured deposit of soft + matter, closely analogous in appearance and chemical property to the + residuary precipitate in a drained fish-pond; she put down the lid with a + gentle sigh and turning towards the fire bestowed one of her very blandest + and most captivating looks on Mr. Cudmore, saying—as plainly as + looks could say—"Cudmore, you're wanting." Whether the youth did, or + did not understand, I am unable to record: I can only say, the appeal was + made without acknowledgment. Mrs. Clanfrizzle again essayed, and by a + little masonic movement of her hand to the tea-pot, and a sly glance at + the hob, intimated her wish—still hopelessly; at last there was + nothing for it but speaking; and she donned her very softest voice, and + most persuasive tone, saying— + </p> + <p> + "Mr. Cudmore, I am really very troublesome: will you permit me to ask + you?"— + </p> + <p> + "Is it for the kettle, ma'am?" said Cudmore, with a voice that startled + the whole room, disconcerting three whist parties, and so absorbing the + attention of the people at loo, that the pool disappeared without any one + being able to account for the circumstance. + </p> + <p> + "Is it for the kettle, ma'am?" + </p> + <p> + "If you will be so very kind," lisped the hostess. + </p> + <p> + "Well, then, upon my conscience, you are impudent," said Cudmore, with his + face crimsoned to the ears, and his eyes flashing fire. + </p> + <p> + "Why, Mr. Cudmore," began the lady, "why, really, this is so strange. Why + sir, what can you mean?" + </p> + <p> + "Just that," said the imperturbable jib, who now that his courage was up, + dared every thing. + </p> + <p> + "But sir, you must surely have misunderstood me. I only asked for the + kettle, Mr. Cudmore." + </p> + <p> + "The devil a more," said Cud, with a sneer. + </p> + <p> + "Well, then, of course"— + </p> + <p> + "Well, then, I'll tell you, of course," said he, repeating her words; "the + sorrow taste of the kettle, I'll give you. Call you own skip—Blue + Pether there—damn me, if I'll be your skip any longer." + </p> + <p> + For the uninitiated I have only to add, that "skip" is the Trinity College + appellation for servant, which was therefore employed by Mr. Cudmore, on + this occasion, as expressing more contemptuously his sense of the + degradation of the office attempted to be put upon him. Having already + informed my reader on some particulars of the company, I leave him to + suppose how Mr. Cudmore's speech was received. Whist itself was at an end + for that evening, and nothing but laughter, long, loud, and reiterated, + burst from every corner of the room for hours after. + </p> + <p> + As I have so far travelled out of the record of my own peculiar + confessions, as to give a leaf from what might one day form the matter of + Mr. Cudmore's, I must now make the only amende in my power, by honestly + narrating, that short as my visit was to the classic precincts of this + agreeable establishment, I did not escape without exciting my share of + ridicule, though, I certainly had not the worst of the joke, and may, + therefore, with better grace tell the story, which, happily for my + readers, is a very brief one. A custom prevailed in Mrs. Clanfrizzle's + household, which from my unhappy ignorance of boarding-houses, I am unable + to predicate if it belong to the genera at large, or this one specimen in + particular, however, it is a sufficiently curious fact, even though + thereby hang no tale, for my stating it here. The decanters on the + dinner-table were never labelled, with their more appropriate designation + of contents, whether claret, sherry, or port, but with the names of their + respective owners, it being a matter of much less consequence that any + individual at table should mix his wine, by pouring "port upon madeira," + than commit the truly legal offence of appropriating to his own use and + benefit, even by mistake, his neighbour's bottle. However well the system + may work among the regular members of the "domestic circle," and I am + assured that it does succeed extremely—to the newly arrived guest, + or uninitiated visitor, the affair is perplexing, and leads occasionally + to awkward results. + </p> + <p> + It so chanced, from my friend O'Flaherty's habitual position at the foot + of the table, and my post of honour near the head, that on the first day + of my appearing there, the distance between us, not only precluded all + possible intercourse, but any of those gentle hints as to habits and + customs, a new arrival looks for at the hands of his better informed + friend. The only mode of recognition, to prove that we belonged to each + other, being by that excellent and truly English custom of drinking wine + together, Tom seized the first idle moment from his avocation as carver to + say, + </p> + <p> + "Lorrequer, a glass of wine with you." + </p> + <p> + Having, of course, acceded, he again asked, + </p> + <p> + "What wine do you drink?" intending thereby, as I afterwards learned, to + send me from his end of the table, what wine I selected. Not conceiving + the object of the inquiry, and having hitherto without hesitation helped + myself from the decanter, which bore some faint resemblance to sherry, I + immediately turned for correct information to the bottle itself, upon + whose slender neck was ticketed the usual slip of paper. My endeavours to + decypher the writing occupied time sufficient again to make O'Flaherty + ask, + </p> + <p> + "Well, Harry, I'm waiting for you. Will you have port?" + </p> + <p> + "No, I thank you," I replied, having by this revealed the inscription. + "No, I thank you; I'll just stick to my old friend here, Bob M'Grotty;" + for thus I rendered familiarly the name of Rt. M'Grotty on the decanter, + and which I in my ignorance believed to be the boarding-house soubriquet + for bad sherry. That Mr. M'Grotty himself little relished my familiarity + with either his name or property I had a very decisive proof, for turning + round upon his chair, and surveying my person from head to foot with a + look of fiery wrath, he thundered out in very broad Scotch, + </p> + <p> + "And by my saul, my freend, ye may just as weel finish it noo, for deil a + glass o' his ain wine did Bob M'Grotty, as ye ca' him, swallow this day." + </p> + <p> + The convulsion of laughter into which my blunder and the Scotchman's + passion threw the whole board, lasted till the cloth was withdrawn, and + the ladies had retired to the drawing-room, the only individual at table + not relishing the mistake being the injured proprietor of the bottle, who + was too proud to accept reparation from my friend's decanter, and would + scarcely condescend to open his lips during the evening; notwithstanding + which display of honest indignation, we contrived to become exceedingly + merry and jocose, most of the party communicating little episodes of their + life, in which, it is true, they frequently figured in situations that + nothing but their native and natural candour would venture to avow. One + story I was considerably amused at; it was told by the counsellor, Mr. + Daly, in illustration of the difficulty of rising at the bar, and which, + as showing his own mode of obviating the delay that young professional men + submit to from hard necessity, as well as in evidence of his strictly + legal turn, I shall certainly recount, one of these days, for the + edification of the junior bar. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + <a name="ch14" id="ch14"></a>CHAPTER XIV. + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + THE CHASE. + </h3> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + On the morning after my visit to the boarding-house, I received a few + hurried lines from Curzon, informing me that no time was to be lost in + joining the regiment—that a grand fancy ball was about to be given + by the officers of the Dwarf frigate, then stationed off Dunmore; who, + when inviting the ___, specially put in a demand for my well-known + services, to make it to go off, and concluding with an extract from the + Kilkenny Moderator, which ran thus— + </p> + <blockquote> + <blockquote> + <p> + "An intimation has just reached us, from a quarter on which we can + place the fullest reliance, that the celebrated amateur performer, Mr. + Lorrequer, may shortly be expected amongst us; from the many accounts + we have received of this highly-gifted gentleman's powers, we + anticipate a great treat to the lovers of the drama," "So you see, my + dear Hal," continued Curzon, "thy vocation calls thee; therefore come, + and come quickly—provide thyself with a black satin costume, + slashed with light blue—point lace collar and ruffles—a + Spanish hat looped in front—and, if possible, a long rapier, + with a flap hilt.—Carden is not here; so you may show your face + under any colour with perfect impunity.—Yours from the side + scenes, + </p> + <p> + "C. Curzon." + </p> + </blockquote> + </blockquote> + <p> + This clever epistle sufficed to show me that the gallant __th had gone + clean theatrical mad; and although from my "last appearance on any stage," + it might be supposed I should feel no peculiar desire to repeat the + experiment, yet the opportunity of joining during Col. Carden's absence, + was too tempting to resist, and I at once made up my mind to set out, and, + without a moment's delay, hurried across the street to the coach office, + to book myself an inside in the mail of that night; fortunately no + difficulty existed in my securing the seat, for the way-bill was a perfect + blank, and I found myself the only person who had, as yet, announced + himself a passenger. On returning to my hotel, I found O'Flaherty waiting + for me; he was greatly distressed on hearing my determination to leave + town—explained how he had been catering for my amusement for the + week to come—that a picnic to the Dargle was arranged in a committee + of the whole house, and a boating party, with a dinner at the + Pigeon-house, was then under consideration; resisting, however, such + extreme temptations, I mentioned the necessity of my at once proceeding to + headquarters, and all other reasons for my precipitancy failing, concluded + with that really knock-down argument, "I have taken my place;" this, I + need scarcely add, finished the matter—at least I have never known + it fail in such cases. Tell your friends that your wife is hourly + expecting to be confined; your favourite child is in the measles—you + best friend waiting your aid in an awkward scrape—your one vote only + wanting to turn the scale in an election. Tell them, I say, each or all of + these, or a hundred more like them, and to any one you so speak, the + answer is—"Pooh, pooh, my dear fellow, never fear—don't fuss + yourself —take it easy—to-morrow will do just as well." If, on + the other hand, however, you reject such flimsy excuses, and simply say, + "I'm booked in the mail," the opposition at once falls to the ground, and + your quondam antagonist, who was ready to quarrel with you, is at once + prepared to assist in packing your portmanteau. + </p> + <p> + Having soon satisfied my friend Tom that resistance was in vain, I + promised to eat an early dinner with him at Morrisson's, and spent the + better part of the morning in putting down a few notes of my Confessions, + as well as the particulars of Mr. Daly's story, which, I believe, I half + or wholly promised my readers at the conclusion of my last chapter; but + which I must defer to a more suitable opportunity, when mentioning the + next occasion of my meeting him on the southern circuit. + </p> + <p> + My dispositions were speedily made. I was fortunate in securing the exact + dress my friend's letter alluded to among the stray costumes of + Fishamble-street; and rich in the possession of the only "properties" it + has been my lot to acquire, I despatched my treasure to the coach office, + and hastened to Morrisson's, it being by this time nearly five o'clock. + There, true to time, I found O'Flaherty deep in the perusal of the bill, + along which figured the novel expedients for dining, I had been in the + habit of reading in every Dublin hotel since my boyhood. "Mock turtle, + mutton, gravy, roast beef and potatoes—shoulder of mutton and + potatoes! —ducks and peas, potatoes!! ham and chicken, cutlet steak + and potatoes!!! apple tart and cheese:" with a slight cadenza of a sigh + over the distant glories of Very, or still better the "Freres," we sat + down to a very patriarchal repast, and what may be always had par + excellence in Dublin, a bottle of Sneyd's claret. + </p> + <p> + Poor Tom's spirits were rather below their usual pitch; and although he + made many efforts to rally and appear gay, he could not accomplish it. + However, we chatted away over old times and old friends, and forgetting + all else but the topics we talked of, the time-piece over the chimney + first apprised me that two whole hours had gone by, and that it was now + seven o'clock, the very hour the coach was to start. I started up at once, + and notwithstanding all Tom's representations of the impossibility of my + being in time, had despatched waiters in different directions for a + jarvey, more than ever determined upon going; so often is it that when + real reasons for our conduct are wanting, any casual or chance opposition + confirms us in an intention which before was but uncertain. Seeing me so + resolved, Tom, at length, gave way, and advised my pursuing the mail, + which must be now gone at least ten minutes, and which, with smart + driving, I should probably overtake before getting free of the city, as + they have usually many delays in so doing. I at once ordered out the + "yellow post-chaise," and before many minutes had elapsed, what, with + imprecation and bribery, I started in pursuit of his Majesty's Cork and + Kilkenny mail coach, then patiently waiting in the court-yard of the Post + Office. + </p> + <p> + "Which way now, your honor?" said a shrill voice from the dark—for + such the night had already become, and threatened with a few heavy drops + of straight rain, the fall of a tremendous shower. + </p> + <p> + "The Naas road," said I; "and, harkye, my fine fellow, if you overtake the + coach in half an hour, I'll double your fare." + </p> + <p> + "Be gorra, I'll do my endayvour," said the youth; at the same time instant + dashing in both spurs, we rattled down Nassau-street at a very respectable + pace for harriers. Street after street we passed, and at last I perceived + we had got clear of the city, and were leaving the long line of + lamp-lights behind us. The night was now pitch dark. I could not see any + thing whatever. The quick clattering of the wheels, the sharp crack of the + postillion's whip, or the still sharper tone of his "gee hup," showed me + we were going at a tremendous pace, had I not even had the experience + afforded by the frequent visits my head paid to the roof of the chaise, so + often as we bounded over a stone, or splashed through a hollow. Dark and + gloomy as it was, I constantly let down the window, and with half my body + protruded, endeavores to catch a glimpse of the "Chase;" but nothing could + I see. The rain now fell in actual torrents; and a more miserable night it + is impossible to conceive. + </p> + <p> + After about an hour so spent, he at last came to a check, so sudden and + unexpected on my part, that I was nearly precipitated, harlequin fashion, + through the front window. Perceiving that we no longer moved, and + suspecting that some part of our tackle had given way, I let down the + sash, and cried out—"Well now, my lad, any thing wrong?" My + questions was, however, unheard; and although, amid the steam arising from + the wet and smoking horses, I could perceive several figures indistinctly + moving about, I could not distinguish what they were doing, nor what they + said. A laugh I certainly did hear, and heartily cursed the unfeeling + wretch, as I supposed him to be, who was enjoying himself at my + disappointment. I again endeavoured to find out what had happened, and + called out still louder than before. + </p> + <p> + "We are at Ra'coole, your honor," said the boy, approaching the door of + the chaise, "and she's only beat us by hafe a mile." + </p> + <p> + "Who the devil is she?" said I. + </p> + <p> + "The mail, your honor, is always a female in Ireland." + </p> + <p> + "Then why do you stop now? You're not going to feed I suppose?" + </p> + <p> + "Of course not, your honor, it's little feeding troubles these bastes, any + how, but they tell me the road is so heavy we'll never take the chaise + over the next stage without leaders." + </p> + <p> + "Without leaders!" said I. "Pooh! my good fellow, no humbugging, four + horses for a light post-chaise and no luggage; come get up, and no + nonsense." At this moment a man approached the window with a lantern in + his hand, and so strongly represented the dreadful state of the roads from + the late rains—the length of the stage—the frequency of + accidents latterly from under-horsing, that I yielded, a reluctant assent, + and ordered out the leaders, comforting myself the while, that considering + the inside fare of the coach, I made such efforts to overtake, was under a + pound, and that time was no object to me, I certainly was paying somewhat + dearly for my character for resolution. + </p> + <p> + At last we got under way once more, and set off cheered by a tremendous + shout from at least a dozen persons, doubtless denizens of that + interesting locality, amid which I once again heard the laugh that had so + much annoyed me already. The rain was falling, if possible, more heavily + than before, and had evidently set in for the entire night. Throwing + myself back into a corner of the "leathern convenience," I gave myself up + to the full enjoyment of the Rouchefoucauld maxim, that there is always a + pleasure felt in the misfortunes of even our best friends, and certainly + experienced no small comfort in my distress, by contrasting my present + position with that of my two friends in the saddle, as they sweltered on + through mud and mire, rain and storm. On we went, splashing, bumping, + rocking, and jolting, till I began at last to have serious thoughts of + abdicating the seat and betaking myself to the bottom of the chaise, for + safety and protection. Mile after mile succeeded, and as after many a + short and fitful slumber, which my dreams gave an apparent length to, I + woke only to find myself still in pursuit—the time seemed so + enormously protracted that I began to fancy my whole life was to be passed + in the dark, in chase of the Kilkenny mail, as we read in the true history + of the flying Dutchman, who, for his sins of impatience—like mine—spent + centuries vainly endeavouring to double the Cape, or the Indian mariner in + Moore's beautiful ballad, of whom we are told as— + </p> + <table summary=""> + <tr> + <td> + "Many a day to night gave way,<br /> And many a morn succeeded,<br /> + Yet still his flight, by day and night,<br /> That restless mariner + speeded."<br /> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + This might have been all very well in the tropics, with a smart craft and + doubtless plenty of sea store—but in a chaise, at night, and on the + Naas road, I humbly suggest I had all the worse of the parallel. + </p> + <p> + At last the altered sound of the wheels gave notice of our approach to a + town, and after about twenty minutes; rattling over the pavement we + entered what I supposed, correctly, to be Naas. Here I had long since + determined my pursuit should cease. I had done enough, and more than + enough, to vindicate my fame against any charge of irresolution as to + leaving Dublin, and was bethinking me of the various modes of prosecuting + my journey on the morrow, when we drew up suddenly at the door of the + Swan. The arrival of a chaise and four at a small country town inn, + suggests to the various employees therein, any thing rather than the + traveller in pursuit of the mail, and so the moment I arrived, I was + assailed with innumerable proffers of horses, supper, bed, My anxious + query was thrice repeated in vain, "When did the coach pass?" + </p> + <p> + "The mail," replied the landlord at length. "Is it the down mail?" + </p> + <p> + Not understanding the technical, I answered, "Of course not the Down—the + Kilkenny and Cork mail." + </p> + <p> + "From Dublin, sir?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes, from Dublin." + </p> + <p> + "Not arrived yet, sir, nor will it for three quarters of an hour; they + never leave Dublin till a quarter past seven; that is, in fact, half past, + and their time here is twenty minutes to eleven." + </p> + <p> + "Why, you stupid son of a boot-top, we have been posting on all night like + the devil, and all this time the coach has been ten miles behind us." + </p> + <p> + "Well, we've cotch them any how," said the urchin, as he disengaged + himself from his wet saddle, and stood upon the ground; "and it is not my + fault that the coach is not before us." + </p> + <p> + With a satisfactory anathema upon all innkeepers, waiters, hostlers, and + post-boys, with a codicil including coach-proprietors, I followed the + smirking landlord into a well-lighted room, with a blazing fire, when + having ordered supper, I soon regained my equanimity. + </p> + <p> + My rasher and poached eggs, all Naas could afford me, were speedily + despatched, and as my last glass, from my one pint of sherry, was poured + out, the long expected coach drew up. A minute after the coachman entered + to take his dram, followed by the guard; a more lamentable spectacle of + condensed moisture cannot be conceived; the rain fell from the entire + circumference of his broad-brimmed hat, like the ever-flowing drop from + the edge of an antique fountain; his drab-coat had become a deep orange + hue, while his huge figure loomed still larger, as he stood amid a nebula + of damp, that would have made an atmosphere for the Georgium Sidus. + </p> + <p> + "Going on to-night, sir?" said he, addressing me; "severe weather, and no + chance of its clearing, but of course you're inside." + </p> + <p> + "Why, there is very little doubt of that," said I. "Are you nearly full + inside?" + </p> + <p> + "Only one, sir; but he seems a real queer chap; made fifty inquiries at + the office if he could not have the whole inside to himself, and when he + heard that one place had been taken—your's, I believe, sir—he + seemed like a scalded bear." + </p> + <p> + "You don't know his name then?" + </p> + <p> + "No, sir, he never gave a name at the office, and his only luggage is two + brown paper parcels, without any ticket, and he has them inside; indeed he + never lets them from him even for a second." + </p> + <p> + Here the guard's horn, announcing all ready, interrupted our colloquy, and + prevented my learning any thing further of my fellow-traveller, whom, + however, I at once set down in my own mind for some confounded old churl + that made himself comfortable every where, without ever thinking of any + one else's convenience. + </p> + <p> + As I passed from the inn door to the coach, I once more congratulated + myself that I was about to be housed from the terrific storm of wind and + rain that railed about. + </p> + <p> + "Here's the step, sir," said the guard, "get in, sir, two minutes late + already." + </p> + <p> + "I beg your pardon, sir," said I, as I half fell over the legs of my + unseen companion. "May I request leave to pass you?" While he made way for + me for this purpose, I perceived that he stooped down towards the guard, + and said something, who from his answer had evidently been questioned as + to who I was. "And how did he get here, if he took his place in Dublin?" + asked the unknown. + </p> + <p> + "Came half an hour since, sir, in a chaise and four," said the guard, as + he banged the door behind him, and closed the interview. + </p> + <p> + Whatever might have been the reasons for my fellow-traveller's anxiety + about my name and occupation, I knew not, yet could not help feeling + gratified at thinking that as I had not given my name at the coach office, + I was a great a puzzle to him as he to me. + </p> + <p> + "A severe night, sir," said I, endeavouring to break ground in + conversation. + </p> + <p> + "Mighty severe," briefly and half crustily replied the unknown, with a + richness of brogue, that might have stood for a certificate of baptism in + Cork or its vicinity. + </p> + <p> + "And a bad road too, sir," said I, remembering my lately accomplished + stage. + </p> + <p> + "That's the reason I always go armed," said the unknown, clinking at the + same moment something like the barrel of a pistol. + </p> + <p> + Wondering somewhat at his readiness to mistake my meaning, I felt disposed + to drop any further effort to draw him out, and was about to address + myself to sleep, as comfortably as I could. + </p> + <p> + "I'll jist trouble ye to lean aff that little parcel there, sir," said he, + as he displaced from its position beneath my elbow, one of the paper + packages the guard had already alluded to. + </p> + <p> + In complying with this rather gruff demand, one of my pocket pistols, + which I carried in my breast pocket, fell out upon his knee, upon which he + immediately started, and asked hurriedly—"and are you armed too?" + </p> + <p> + "Why, yes," said I, laughingly; "men of my trade seldom go without + something of this kind." + </p> + <p> + "Be gorra, I was just thinking that same," said the traveller, with a half + sigh to himself. + </p> + <p> + Why he should or should not have thought so, I never troubled myself to + canvass, and was once more settling myself in my corner, when I was + startled by a very melancholy groan, which seemed to come from the bottom + of my companion's heart. + </p> + <p> + "Are you ill, sir?" said I, in a voice of some anxiety. + </p> + <p> + "You might say that," replied he—"if you knew who you were talking + to—although maybe you've heard enough of me, though you never saw me + till now." + </p> + <p> + "Without having that pleasure even yet," said I, "it would grieve me to + think you should be ill in the coach." + </p> + <p> + "May be it might," briefly replied the unknown, with a species of meaning + in his words I could not then understand. "Did ye never hear tell of + Barney Doyle?" said he. + </p> + <p> + "Not to my recollection." + </p> + <p> + "Then I'm Barney," said he; "that's in all the newspapers in the + metropolis; I'm seventeen weeks in Jervis-street hospital, and four in the + Lunatic, and the devil a better after all; you must be a stranger, I'm + thinking, or you'd know me now." + </p> + <p> + "Why I do confess, I've only been a few hours in Ireland for the last six + months." + </p> + <p> + "Ay, that's the reason; I knew you would not be fond of travelling with + me, if you knew who it was." + </p> + <p> + "Why, really," said I, beginning at the moment to fathom some of the hints + of my companion, "I did not anticipate the pleasure of meeting you." + </p> + <p> + "It's pleasure ye call it; then there's no accountin' for tastes, as Dr. + Colles said, when he saw me bite Cusack Rooney's thumb off." + </p> + <p> + "Bite a man's thumb off!" said I, in a horror. + </p> + <p> + "Ay," said he with a kind of fiendish animation, "in one chop; I wish + you'd see how I scattered the consultation; begad they didn't wait to ax + for a fee." + </p> + <p> + Upon my soul, a very pleasant vicinity, though I. "And, may I ask sir," + said I, in a very mild and soothing tone of voice, "may I ask the reason + for this singular propensity of yours?" + </p> + <p> + "There it is now, my dear," said he, laying his hand upon my knee + familiarly, "that's just the very thing they can't make out; Colles says, + it's all the ceribellum, ye see, that's inflamed and combusted, and some + of the others think it's the spine; and more, the muscles; but my real + impression is, the devil a bit they know about it at all." + </p> + <p> + "And have they no name for the malady?" said I. + </p> + <p> + "Oh sure enough they have a name for it." + </p> + <p> + "And, may I ask—" + </p> + <p> + "Why, I think you'd better not, because ye see, maybe I might be + throublesome to ye in the night, though I'll not, if I can help it; and it + might be uncomfortable to you to be here if I was to get one of the fits." + </p> + <p> + "One of the fits! Why it's not possible, sir," said I, "you would travel + in a public conveyance in the state you mention; your friends surely would + not permit it?" + </p> + <p> + "Why, if they knew, perhaps," slily responded the interesting invalid, "if + they knew they might not exactly like it, but ye see, I escaped only last + night, and there'll be a fine hub-bub in the morning, when they find I'm + off; though I'm thinking Rooney's barking away by this time." + </p> + <p> + "Rooney barking, why, what does that mean?" + </p> + <p> + "They always bark for a day or two after they're bit, if the infection + comes first from the dog." + </p> + <p> + "You are surely not speaking of hydrophobia," said I, my hair actually + bristling with horror and consternation. + </p> + <p> + "Ayn't I?" replied he; "may be you've guessed it though." + </p> + <p> + "And have you the malady on you at present?" said I, trembling for the + answer. + </p> + <p> + "This is the ninth day since I took to biting," said he gravely, perfectly + unconscious as it appeared of the terror such information was calculated + to convey. + </p> + <p> + "Any with such a propensity, sir, do you think yourself warranted in + travelling in a public coach, exposing others—" + </p> + <p> + "You'd better not raise your voice, that way," quietly responded he, "if + I'm roused, it 'll be worse for ye, that's all." + </p> + <p> + "Well but," said I, moderating my zeal, "is it exactly prudent, in your + present delicate state, to undertake a journey?" + </p> + <p> + "Ah," said he, with a sigh, "I've been longing to see the fox hounds throw + off, near Kilkenny; these three weeks I've been thinking of nothing else; + but I'm not sure how my nerves will stand the cry; I might be + throublesome." + </p> + <p> + "Upon my soul," thought I, "I shall not select that morning for my debut + in the field." + </p> + <p> + "I hope, sir, there's no river, or watercourse on this road—any + thing else, I can, I hope, control myself against; but water—running + water particularly—makes me throublesome." + </p> + <p> + Well knowing what he meant by the latter phrase, I felt the cold + perspiration settling on my forehead, as I remembered that we must be + within about ten or twelve miles of Leighlin-bridge, where we should have + to pass a very wide river. I strictly concealed this fact from him, + however, and gave him to understand that there was not a well, brook, or + rivulet, for forty miles on either side of us. He now sunk into a kind of + moody silence, broken occasionally by a low muttering noise, as if + speaking to himself—what this might portend, I knew not—but + thought it better, under all circumstances, not to disturb him. How + comfortable my present condition was, I need scarcely remark—sitting + vis a vis to a lunatic, with a pair of pistols in his possession—who + had already avowed his consciousness of his tendency to do mischief, and + his inability to master it; all this in the dark, and in the narrow limits + of a mail-coach, where there was scarcely room for defence, and no + possibility of escape—how heartily I wished myself back in the + Coffee-room at Morrisson's, with my poor friend Tom—the infernal + chaise, that I cursed a hundred times, would have been an "exchange," + better than into the Life Guards—ay, even the outside of the coach, + if I could only reach it, would, under present circumstances, be a + glorious alternative to my existing misfortune. What were rain and storm, + thunder and lightning, compared with the chances that awaited me here?—wet + through I should inevitably be, but then I had not yet contracted the + horror of moisture my friend opposite laboured under. "Ha! what is that? + is it possible he can be asleep; is it really a snore?—Heaven grant + that little snort be not what the medical people call a premonitory + symptom—if so, he'll be in upon me now in no time. Ah, there it is + again; he must be asleep surely; now then is my time or never." With these + words, muttered to myself, and a heart throbbing almost audibly at the + risk of his awakening, I slowly let down the window of the coach, and + stretching forth my hand, turned the handle cautiously and slowly; I next + disengaged my legs, and by a long continuous effort of creeping—which + I had learned perfectly once, when practising to go as a boa constrictor + to a fancy ball—I withdrew myself from the seat and reached the + step, when I muttered something very like a thanksgiving to Providence for + my rescue. With little difficulty I now climbed up beside the guard, whose + astonishment at my appearance was indeed considerable—that any man + should prefer the out, to the inside of a coach, in such a night, was + rather remarkable; but that the person so doing should be totally + unprovided with a box-coat, or other similar protection, argued something + so strange, that I doubt not, if he were to decide upon the applicability + of the statute of lunacy to a traveller in the mail, the palm would + certainly have been awarded to me, and not to my late companion. Well, on + we rolled, and heavily as the rain poured down, so relieved did I feel at + my change of position, that I soon fell fast asleep, and never awoke till + the coach was driving up Patrick-street. Whatever solace to my feelings + reaching the outside of the coach might have been attended with at night, + the pleasure I experienced on awaking, was really not unalloyed. More dead + than alive, I sat a mass of wet clothes, like nothing under heaven except + it be that morsel of black and spongy wet cotton at the bottom of a + schoolboy's ink bottle, saturated with rain, and the black dye of my coat. + My hat too had contributed its share of colouring matter, and several long + black streaks coursed down my "wrinkled front," giving me very much the + air of an Indian warrior, who had got the first priming of his war paint. + I certainly must have been rueful object, were I only to judge from the + faces of the waiters as they gazed on me when the coach drew up at Rice + and Walsh's hotel. Cold, wet, and weary as I was, my curiosity to learn + more of my late agreeable companion was strong as ever within me—perhaps + stronger, from the sacrifices his acquaintance had exacted from me. + Before, however, I had disengaged myself from the pile of trunks and + carpet bags I had surrounded myself with—he had got out of the + coach, and all I could catch a glimpse of was the back of a little short + man in a kind of grey upper coat, and long galligaskins on his legs. He + carried his two bundles under his arm, and stepped nimbly up the steps of + the hotel, without turning his head to either side. + </p> + <p> + "Don't fancy you shall escape me now, my good friend," I cried out, as I + sprung from the roof to the ground, with one jump, and hurried after the + great unknown into the coffee-room. By the time I reached it he had + approached the fire, on the table near which, having deposited the + mysterious paper parcels, he was now busily engaged in divesting himself + of his great coat; his face was still turned from me, so that I had time + to appear employed in divesting myself of my wet drapery before he + perceived me; at last the coat was unbuttoned, the gaiters followed, and + throwing them carelessly on a chair, he tucked up the skirts of his coat; + and spreading himself comfortably a l'Anglais, before the fire, displayed + to my wondering and stupified gaze, the pleasant features of Doctor + Finucane. + </p> + <p> + "Why, Doctor—Doctor Finucane," cried I, "is this possible? were you + really the inside in the mail last night." + </p> + <p> + "Devil a doubt of it, Mr. Lorrequer; and may I make bould to ask,—were + you the outside?" + </p> + <p> + "Then what, may I beg to know, did you mean by your damned story about + Barney Doyle, and the hydrophobia, and Cusack Rooney's thumb—eh?" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, by the Lord," said Finucane, "this will be the death of me; and it + was you that I drove outside in all the rain last night! Oh, it will kill + Father Malachi outright with laughing, when I tell him;" and he burst out + into a fit of merriment that nearly induced me to break his head with the + poker. + </p> + <p> + "Am I to understand, then, Mr. Finucane, that this practical joke of your + was contrived for my benefit, and for the purpose of holding me up to the + ridicule of your confounded acquaintances." + </p> + <p> + "Nothing of the kind, upon my conscience," said Fin, drying his eyes, and + endeavouring to look sorry and sentimental. "If I had only the least + suspicion in life that it was you, upon my oath I'd not have had the + hydrophobia at all, and, to tell you the truth, you were not the only one + frightened—you alarmed me devilishly too." + </p> + <p> + "I alarmed you! Why, how can that be?" + </p> + <p> + "Why, the real affair is this: I was bringing these two packages of notes + down to my cousin Callaghan's bank in Cork—fifteen thousand pounds—devil + a less; and when you came into the coach at Naas, after driving there with + your four horses, I thought it was all up with me. The guard just + whispered in my ear, that he saw you look at the priming of your pistols + before getting in; and faith I said four paters, and a hail Mary, before + you'd count five. Well, when you got seated, the thought came into my mind + that maybe, highwayman as you were, you would not like dying a natural + death, more particularly if you were an Irishman; and so I trumped up that + long story about the hydrophobia, and the gentleman's thumb, and devil + knows what besides; and, while I was telling it, the cold perspiration was + running down my head and face, for every time you stirred, I said to + myself, now he'll do it. Two or three times, do you know, I was going to + offer you ten shillings in the pound, and spare my life; and once, God + forgive me, I thought it would not be a bad plan to shoot you by + 'mistake,' do you perceave?" + </p> + <p> + "Why, upon my soul, I'm very much obliged to you for your excessively kind + intentions; but really I feel you have done quite enough for me on the + present occasion. But, come now, doctor, I must get to bed, and before I + go, promise me two things—to dine with us to-day at the mess, and + not to mention a syllable of what occurred last night—it tells, + believe me, very badly for both; so, keep the secret, for if these + confounded fellows of ours ever get hold of it, I may sell out, or quit + the army; I'll never hear the end of it!" + </p> + <p> + "Never fear, my boy; trust me. I'll dine with you, and you're as safe as a + church-mouse for any thing I'll tell them; so, now you'd better change + your clothes, for I'm thinking it rained last night." + </p> + <p> + Muttering some very dubious blessings upon the learned Fin, I left the + room, infinitely more chagrined and chop-fallen at the discovery I had + made, than at all the misery and exposure the trick had consigned me to; + "however," thought I, "if the doctor keep his word, it all goes well; the + whole affair is between us both solely; but, should it not be so, I may + shoot half the mess before the other half would give up quizzing me." + Revolving such pleasant thought, I betook myself to bed, and what with + mulled port, and a blazing fire, became once more conscious of being a + warm-blooded animal, and feel sound asleep, to dream of doctors, strait + waistcoats, shaved heads, and all the pleasing associations my late + companion's narrative so readily suggested. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + <a name="ch15" id="ch15"></a>CHAPTER XV. + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + MEMS. OF THE NORTH CORK. + </h3> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + <a name="Dr._Finucane_and_the_Grey_Mare" + id="Dr._Finucane_and_the_Grey_Mare">Dr. Finucane and the Grey Mare</a> + </h3> + <p> + <a href="images2/Ch15DrFinucaneandGreyMare.jpg"> + <img alt="Ch 15 Dr Finucane and Grey Mare.jpg (84K)" + src="images/Ch15DrFinucaneandGreyMare.jpg" + height="780" width="480" /></a> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + At six o'clock I had the pleasure of presenting the worthy Doctor Finucane + to our mess, taking at the same time an opportunity, unobserved by him, to + inform three or four of my brother officers that my friend was really a + character, abounding in native drollery, and richer in good stories than + even the generality of his countrymen. + </p> + <p> + Nothing could possibly go on better than the early part of the evening. + Fin, true to his promise, never once alluded to what I could plainly + perceive was ever uppermost in his mind, and what with his fund of humour, + quaintness of expression, and quickness at reply, garnished throughout by + his most mellifluous brogue, the true "Bocca Corkana," kept us from one + roar of laughter to another. It was just at the moment in which his + spirits seemed at their highest, that I had the misfortune to call upon + him for a story, which his cousin Father Malachi had alluded to on the + ever-memorable evening at his house, and which I had a great desire to + hear from Fin's own lips. He seemed disposed to escape telling it, and + upon my continuing to press my request, drily remarked, + </p> + <p> + "You forget, surely, my dear Mr. Lorrequer, the weak condition I'm in; and + these gentlemen here, they don't know what a severe illness I've been + labouring under lately, or they would not pass the decanter so freely down + this quarter." + </p> + <p> + I had barely time to throw a mingled look of entreaty and menace across + the table, when half-a-dozen others, rightly judging from the Doctor's + tone and serio-comic expression, that his malady had many more symptoms of + fun than suffering about it, called out together— + </p> + <p> + "Oh, Doctor, by all means, tell us the nature of your late attack—pray + relate it." + </p> + <p> + "With Mr. Lorrequer's permission I'm your slave, gentlemen," said Fin, + finishing off his glass. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, as for me," I cried, "Dr. Finucane has my full permission to detail + whatever he pleases to think a fit subject for your amusement." + </p> + <p> + "Come then, Doctor, Harry has no objection you see; so out with it, and we + are all prepared to sympathise with your woes and misfortunes, whatever + they be." + </p> + <p> + "Well, I am sure, I never could think of mentioning it without his leave; + but now that he sees no objection—Eh, do you though? if so, then, + don't be winking and making faces at me; but say the word, and devil a + syllable of it I'll tell to man or mortal." + </p> + <p> + The latter part of this delectable speech was addressed to me across the + table, in a species of stage whisper, in reply to some telegraphic signals + I had been throwing him, to induce him to turn the conversation into any + other channel. + </p> + <p> + "Then, that's enough," continued he sotto voce—"I see you'd rather + I'd not tell it." + </p> + <p> + "Tell it and be d____d," said I, wearied by the incorrigible pertinacity + with which the villain assailed me. My most unexpected energy threw the + whole table into a roar, at the conclusion of which Fin began his + narrative of the mail-coach adventure. + </p> + <p> + I need not tell my reader, who has followed me throughout in these my + Confessions, that such a story lost nothing of its absurdity, when + entrusted to the Doctor's powers of narration; he dwelt with a poet's + feeling upon the description of his own sufferings, and my sincere + condolence and commiseration; he touched with the utmost delicacy upon the + distant hints by which he broke the news to me; but when he came to + describe my open and undisguised terror, and my secret and precipitate + retreat to the roof of the coach, there was not a man at table that was + not convulsed with laughter—-and, shall I acknowledge it, even I + myself was unable to withstand the effect, and joined in the general + chorus against myself. + </p> + <p> + "Well," said the remorseless wretch, as he finished his story, "if ye + haven't the hard hearts to laugh at such a melancholy subject. Maybe, + however, you're not so cruel after all—here's a toast for you, 'a + speedy recovery to Cusack Rooney.'" This was drank amid renewed peals, + with all the honors; and I had abundant time before the uproar was over, + to wish every man of them hanged. It was to no purpose that I endeavoured + to turn the tables, by describing Fin's terror at my supposed resemblance + to a highwayman—-his story had the precedence, and I met nothing + during my recital but sly allusions to mad dogs, muzzles, and doctors; and + contemptible puns were let off on every side at my expense. + </p> + <p> + "It's little shame I take to myself for the mistake, any how," said Fin, + "for putting the darkness of the night out of question, I'm not so sure I + would not have ugly suspicions of you by daylight." + </p> + <p> + "And besides, Doctor," added I, "it would not be your first blunder in the + dark." + </p> + <p> + "True for you, Mr. Lorrequer," said he, good-humouredly; "and now that I + have told them your story, I don't care if they hear mine, though maybe + some of ye have heard it already—it's pretty well known in the North + Cork." + </p> + <p> + We all gave our disclaimers on this point, and having ordered in a fresh + cooper of port, disposed ourselves in our most easy attitudes, while the + Doctor proceeded as follows:— + </p> + <p> + "It was in the hard winter of the year __99, that we were quartered in + Maynooth, as many said, for our sins—for a more stupid place, the + Lord be merciful to it, never were men condemned to. The people at the + college were much better off than us—they had whatever was to be got + in the country, and never were disturbed by mounting guard, or night + patrols. Many of the professors were good fellows, that liked grog fully + as well as Greek, and understood short whist, and five and ten quite as + intimately as they knew the Vulgate, or the confessions of St. Augustine + —they made no ostentacious display of their pious zeal, but whenever + they were not fasting, or praying, or something of that kind, they were + always pleasant and agreeable; and to do them justice, never refused, by + any chance, an invitation to dinner—no matter at what inconvenience. + Well, even this little solace in our affliction we soon lost, by an + unfortunate mistake of that Orange rogue of the world, Major Jones, that + gave a wrong pass one night—Mr. Lorrequer knows the story, (here he + alluded to an adventure detailed in an early chapter of my Confessions)—and + from that day forward we never saw the pleasant faces of the Abbe D'Array, + or the Professor of the Humanities, at the mess. Well, the only thing I + could do, was just to take an opportunity to drop in at the College in the + evening, where we had a quiet rubber of whist, and a little social and + intellectual conversation, with maybe an oyster and a glass of punch, just + to season the thing, before we separated; all done discreetly and quietly—no + shouting nor even singing, for the 'superior' had a prejudice about + profane songs. Well, one of those nights it was, about the first week in + February, I was detained by stress of weather from 11 o'clock, when we + usually bade good-night, to past twelve, and then to one o'clock, waiting + for a dry moment to get home to the barracks—a good mile and a half + off. Every time old Father Mahony went to look at the weather, he came + back saying, 'It's worse it's getting; such a night of rain, glory be to + God, never was seen.' So there was no good in going out to be drenched to + the skin, and I sat quietly waiting, taking, between times, a little + punch, just not to seem impatient, nor distress their rev'rances. At last + it struck two, and I thought—'well, the decanter is empty now, and I + think, if I mean to walk, I've taken enough for the present;' so, wishing + them all manner of happiness, and pleasant dreams, I stumbled by way down + stairs, and set out on my journey. I was always in the habit of taking a + short cut on my way home, across the 'gurt na brocha,' the priest's + meadows, as they call them, it saved nearly half a mile, although, on the + present occasion, it exposed one wofully to the rain, for there was + nothing to shelter against the entire way, not even a tree. Well, out I + set in a half trot, for I staid so late I was pressed for time; besides, I + felt it easier to run than walk; I'm sure I can't tell why; maybe the drop + of drink I took got into my head. Well, I was just jogging on across the + common; the rain beating hard in my face, and my clothes pasted to me with + the wet; notwithstanding, I was singing to myself a verse of an old song, + to lighten the road, when I heard suddenly a noise near me, like a man + sneezing. I stopped and listened,—in fact, it was impossible to see + your hand, the night was so dark—but I could hear nothing; the + thought then came over me, maybe it's something 'not good,' for there were + very ugly stories going about what the priests used to do formerly in + these meadows; and bones were often found in different parts of them. Just + as I was thinking this, another voice came nearer than the last; it might + be only a sneeze, after all; but in real earnest it was mighty like a + groan. 'The Lord be about us,' I said to myself, 'what's this?—have + ye the pass?' I cried out, 'have ye the pass? or what brings ye walking + here, in nomine patri?' for I was so confused whether it was a 'sperit' or + not, I was going to address him in Latin—there's nothing equal to + the dead languages to lay a ghost, every body knows. Faith the moment I + said these words he gave another groan, deeper and more melancholy like + than before. 'If it's uneasy ye are,' says I, 'for any neglect of your + friends,' for I thought he might be in purgatory longer than he thought + convenient, 'tell me what you wish, and go home peaceably out of the rain, + for this weather can do no good to living or dead; go home,' said I, 'and, + if it's masses ye'd like, I'll give you a day's pay myself, rather than + you should fret yourself this way.' The words were not well out of my + mouth, when he came so near me that the sigh he gave went right through + both my ears; 'the Lord be merciful to me,' said I, trembling. 'Amen,' + says he, 'whether you're joking or not.' The moment he said that my mind + was relieved, for I knew it was not a sperit, and I began to laugh + heartily at my mistake; 'and who are ye at all?' said I, 'that's roving + about, at this hour of the night, ye can't be Father Luke, for I left him + asleep on the carpet before I quitted the college, and faith, my friend, + if you hadn't the taste for divarsion ye would not be out now?' He coughed + then so hard that I could not make out well what he said, but just + perceived that he had lost his way on the common, and was a little + disguised in liquor. 'It's a good man's case,' said I, 'to take a little + too much, though it's what I don't ever do myself; so, take a hold of my + hand, and I'll see you safe.' I stretched out my hand, and got him, not by + the arm, as I hoped, but by the hair of the head, for he was all dripping + with wet, and had lost his hat. 'Well, you'll not be better of this + night's excursion,' thought I, 'if ye are liable to the rheumatism; and, + now, whereabouts do you live, my friend, for I'll see you safe, before I + leave you?' What he said then I never could clearly make out, for the wind + and rain were both beating so hard against my face that I could not hear a + word; however, I was able just to perceive that he was very much disguised + in drink, and spoke rather thick. 'Well, never mind,' said I, 'it's not a + time of day for much conversation; so, come along, and I'll see you safe + in the guard-house, if you can't remember your own place of abode in the + meanwhile.' It was just at the moment I said this that I first discovered + he was not a gentleman. Well, now, you'd never guess how I did it; and, + faith I always thought it a very cute thing of me, and both of us in the + dark." + </p> + <p> + "Well, I really confess it must have been a very difficult thing, under + the circumstances; pray how did you contrive?" said the major. + </p> + <p> + "Just guess how." + </p> + <p> + "By the tone of his voice perhaps, and his accent," said Curzon. + </p> + <p> + "Devil a bit, for he spoke remarkably well, considering how far gone he + was in liquor." + </p> + <p> + "Well, probably by the touch of his hand; no bad test." + </p> + <p> + "No; you're wrong again, for it was by the hair I had a hold of him for + fear of falling, for he was always stooping down. Well, you'd never guess + it; it was just by the touch of his foot." + </p> + <p> + "His foot! Why how did that give you any information?" + </p> + <p> + "There it is now; that's just what only an Irishman would ever have made + any thing out of; for while he was stumbling about, he happened to tread + upon my toes, and never, since I was born, did I feel any thing like the + weight of him. 'Well,' said I, 'the loss of your hat may give you a cold, + my friend; but upon my conscience you are in no danger of wet feet with + such a pair of strong brogues as you have on you.' Well, he laughed at + that till I thought he'd split his sides, and, in good truth, I could not + help joining in the fun, although my foot was smarting like mad, and so we + jogged along through the rain, enjoying the joke just as if we were + sitting by a good fire, with a jorum of punch between us. I am sure I + can't tell you how often we fell that night, but my clothes the next + morning were absolutely covered with mud, and my hat crushed in two; for + he was so confoundedly drunk it was impossible to keep him up, and he + always kept boring along with his head down, so that my heart was almost + broke in keeping him upon his legs. I'm sure I never had a more fatiguing + march in the whole Peninsula, than that blessed mile and a half; but every + misfortune has an end at last, and it was four o'clock, striking by the + college clock, as we reached the barracks. After knocking a couple of + times, and giving the countersign, the sentry opened the small wicket, and + my heart actually leaped with joy that I had done with my friend; so, I + just called out the sergeant of the guard, and said, 'will you put that + poor fellow on the guard-bed till morning, for I found him on the common, + and he could neither find his way home nor tell me where he lived.' 'And + where is he?' said the sergeant. 'He's outside the gate there,' said I, + 'wet to the skin, and shaking as if he had the ague.' 'And is this him?' + said the sergeant as we went outside. 'It is,' said I, 'maybe you know + him?' 'Maybe I've a guess,' said he, bursting into a fit of laughing, that + I thought he'd choke with. 'Well, sergeant,' said I, 'I always took you + for a humane man; but, if that's the way you treat a fellow-creature in + distress.' 'A fellow-creature,' said he, laughing louder than before. 'Ay, + a fellow-creature,' said I—for the sergeant was an orangeman—'and + if he differs from you in matters of religion, sure he's your + fellow-creature still.' 'Troth, Doctor, I think there's another trifling + difference betune us,' said he. 'Damn your politics,' said I; 'never let + them interfere with true humanity.' Wasn't I right, Major? 'Take good care + of him, and there's a half-a-crown for ye.' So saying these words, I + steered along by the barrack wall, and, after a little groping about, got + up stairs to my quarters, when, thanks to a naturally good constitution, + and regular habits of life, I soon fell fast asleep." + </p> + <p> + When the Doctor had said thus much, he pushed his chair slightly from the + table, and, taking off his wine, looked about him with the composure of a + man who has brought his tale to a termination. + </p> + <p> + "Well, but Doctor," said the Major, "you are surely not done. You have not + yet told us who your interesting friend turned out to be." + </p> + <p> + "That's the very thing, then, I'm not able to do." + </p> + <p> + "But, of course," said another, "your story does not end there." + </p> + <p> + "And where the devil would you have it end?" replied he. "Didn't I bring + my hero home, and go asleep afterwards myself, and then, with virtue + rewarded, how could I finish it better?" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, of course; but still you have not accounted for a principal character + in the narrative," said I. + </p> + <p> + "Exactly so," said Curzon. "We were all expecting some splendid + catastrophe in the morning; that your companion turned out to be the Duke + of Leinster, at least—or perhaps a rebel general, with an immense + price upon his head." + </p> + <p> + "Neither the one nor the other," said Fin, drily. + </p> + <p> + "And do you mean to say there never was any clue to the discovery of him?" + </p> + <p> + "The entire affair is wrapt in mystery to this hour," said he. "There was + a joke about it, to be sure, among the officers; but the North Cork never + wanted something to laugh at." + </p> + <p> + "And what was the joke?" said several voices together. + </p> + <p> + "Just a complaint from old Mickey Oulahan, the postmaster, to the Colonel, + in the morning, that some of the officers took away his blind mare off the + common, and that the letters were late in consequence." + </p> + <p> + "And so, Doctor," called out seven or eight, "your friend turned out to be—" + </p> + <p> + "Upon my conscience they said so, and that rascal, the serjeant, would + take his oath of it; but my own impression I'll never disclose to the hour + of my death." + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + <a name="ch16" id="ch16"></a>CHAPTER XVI. + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + THEATRICALS. + </h3> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + <a name="Lorrequer_Practising_Physic" id="Lorrequer_Practising_Physic">Lorrequer + Practising Physic</a> + </h3> + <p> + <a href="images2/Ch16LorrequerPractisingPhysic.jpg"> <img + alt="Ch 16 Lorrequer Practising Physic.jpg (88K)" + src="images/Ch16LorrequerPractisingPhysic.jpg" height="780" + width="480" /></a> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + Our seance at the mess that night was a late one, for after we had + discussed some coopers of claret, there was a very general public feeling + in favour of a broiled bone and some devilled kidneys, followed by a very + ample bowl of bishop, over which simple condiments we talked "green room" + till near the break of day. + </p> + <p> + From having been so long away from the corps I had much to learn of their + doings and intentions to do, and heard with much pleasure that they + possessed an exceedingly handsome theatre, well stocked with scenery, + dresses, and decorations; that they were at the pinnacle of public + estimation, from what they had already accomplished, and calculated on the + result of my appearance to crown them with honour. I had indeed very + little choice left me in the matter; for not only had they booked me for a + particular part, but bills were already in circulation, and sundry little + three-cornered notes enveloping them, were sent to the elite of the + surrounding country, setting forth that "on Friday evening the committee + of the garrison theatricals, intending to perform a dress rehearsal of the + 'Family Party,' request the pleasure of Mr. ____ and Mrs. ____'s company + on the occasion. Mr. Lorrequer will undertake the part of Captain + Beauguarde. Supper at twelve. An answer will oblige." + </p> + <p> + The sight of one of these pleasant little epistles, of which the foregoing + is a true copy—was presented to me as a great favour that evening, + it having been agreed upon that I was to know nothing of their high and + mighty resolves till the following morning. It was to little purpose that + I assured them all, collectively and individually, that of Captain + Beauguarde I absolutely knew nothing—had never read the piece—nor + even seen it performed. I felt, too, that my last appearance in character + in a "Family Party," was any thing but successful; and I trembled lest, in + the discussion of the subject, some confounded allusion to my adventure at + Cheltenham might come out. Happily they seemed all ignorant of this; and + fearing to bring conversation in any way to the matter of my late travels, + I fell in with their humour, and agreed that if it were possible, in the + limited time allowed me to manage it—I had but four days—I + should undertake the character. My concurrence failed to give the full + satisfaction I expected, and they so habitually did what they pleased with + me, that, like all men so disposed, I never got the credit for concession + which a man more niggardly of his services may always command. + </p> + <p> + "To be sure you will do it, Harry," said the Major, "why not? I could + learn the thing myself in a couple of hours, as for that." + </p> + <p> + Now, be it known that the aforesaid Major was so incorrigibly slow of + study, and dull of comprehension, that he had been successively degraded + at our theatrical board from the delivering of a stage message to the + office of check-taker. + </p> + <p> + "He's so devilish good in the love scene," said the junior ensign, with + the white eyebrows. "I say, Curzon, you'll be confoundedly jealous though, + for he is to play with Fanny." + </p> + <p> + "I rather think not," said Curzon, who was a little tipsy. + </p> + <p> + "Oh, yes," said Frazer, "Hepton is right. Lorrequer has Fanny for his + 'Frou;' and, upon my soul, I should feel tempted to take the part myself + upon the same terms; though I verily believe I should forget I was acting, + and make fierce love to her on the stage." + </p> + <p> + "And who may la charmante Fanny be?" said I, with something of the air of + the "Dey of Algiers" in my tone. + </p> + <p> + "Let Curzon tell him," said several voices together, "he is the only ma to + do justice to such perfection." + </p> + <p> + "Quiz away, my merry men," said Cruzon, "all I know is, that you are a + confoundedly envious set of fellows; and if so lovely a girl had thrown + her eyes on one amongst you--" + </p> + <p> + "Hip! hip! hurrah!" said old Fitzgerald, "Curzon is a gone man. He'll be + off to the palace for a license some fine morning, or I know nothing of + such matters." + </p> + <p> + "Well, Bat," said I, "if matters are really as you all say, why does not + Curzon take the part you destine for me?" + </p> + <p> + "We dare not trust him," said the Major, "Lord bless you, when the + call-boy would sing out for Captain Beaugarde in the second act, we'd find + that he had Levanted with our best slashed trowsers, and a bird of + paradise feather in his cap." + </p> + <p> + "Well," thought I, "this is better at least than I anticipated, for if + nothing else offers, I shall have rare fun teasing my friend Charley"—for + it was evident that he had been caught by the lady in question. + </p> + <p> + "And so you'll stay with us; give me your hand—you are a real + trump." These words, which proceeded from a voice at the lower end of the + table, were addressed to my friend Finucane. + </p> + <p> + "I'll stay with ye, upon my conscience," said Fin; "ye have a most + seductive way about ye; and a very superior taste in milk punch." + </p> + <p> + "But, Doctor," said I, "you must not be a drone in the hive; what will ye + do for us? You should be a capital Sir Lucius O'Trigger, if we could get + up the Rivals." + </p> + <p> + "My forte is the drum—the big drum; put me among what the Greeks + call the 'Mousikoi,' and I'll astonish ye." + </p> + <p> + It was at once agreed that Fin should follow the bent of his genius; and + after some other arrangements for the rest of the party, we separated for + the night, having previously toasted the "Fanny," to which Curzon + attempted to reply, but sank, overpowered by punch and feelings, and + looked unutterable things, without the power to frame a sentence. + </p> + <p> + During the time which intervened between the dinner and the night + appointed for our rehearsal, I had more business upon my hands than a + Chancellor of the Exchequer the week of the budget being produced. The + whole management of every department fell, as usual, to my share, and all + those who, previously to my arrival, had contributed their quota of + labour, did nothing whatever now but lounge about the stage, or sit half + the day in the orchestra, listening to some confounded story of + Finucane's, who contrived to have an everlasting mob of actors, + scene-painters, fiddlers, and call-boys always about him, who, from their + uproarious mirth, and repeated shouts of merriment, nearly drove me + distracted, as I stood almost alone and unassisted in the whole + management. Of la belle Fanny, all I learned was, that she was a + professional actress of very considerable talent, and extremely pretty; + that Curzon had fallen desperately in love with her the only night she had + appeared on the boards there, and that to avoid his absurd persecution of + her, she had determined not to come into town until the morning of the + rehearsal, she being at that time on a visit to the house of a country + gentleman in the neighbourhood. Here was a new difficulty I had to contend + with—to go through my part alone was out of the question to making + it effective; and I felt so worried and harassed that I often fairly + resolved on taking the wings of the mail, and flying away to the uttermost + parts of the south of Ireland, till all was tranquil again. By degrees, + however, I got matters into better train, and by getting our rehearsal + early before Fin appeared, as he usually slept somewhat later after his + night at mess, I managed to have things in something like order; he and + his confounded drum, which, whenever he was not story-telling, he was sure + to be practising on, being, in fact the greatest difficulties opposed to + my managerial functions. One property he possessed, so totally at variance + with all habits of order, that it completely baffled me. So numerous were + his narratives, that no occasion could possibly arise, no chance + expression be let fall on the stage, but Fin had something he deemed, + apropos, and which, sans facon, he at once related for the benefit of all + whom it might concern; that was usually the entire corps dramatique, who + eagerly turned from stage directions and groupings, to laugh at his + ridiculous jests. I shall give an instance of this habit of interruption, + and let the unhappy wight who has filled such an office as mine pity my + woes. + </p> + <p> + I was standing one morning on the stage drilling my "corps" as usual. One + most refractory spirit, to whom but a few words were entrusted, and who + bungled even those, I was endeavouring to train into something like his + part. + </p> + <p> + "Come now, Elsmore, try it again—just so. Yes, come forward in this + manner—take her hand tenderly—press it to your lips; retreat + towards the flat, and then bowing deferentially—thus, say 'Good + night, good night'—that's very simple, eh? Well, now that's all you + have to do, and that brings you over here—so you make your exit at + once." + </p> + <p> + "Exactly so, Mr. Elsmore, always contrive to be near the door under such + circumstances. That was the way with my poor friend, Curran. Poor Philpot, + when he dined with the Guild of Merchant Tailors, they gave him a gold box + with their arms upon it—a goose proper, with needles saltier wise, + or something of that kind; and they made him free of their 'ancient and + loyal corporation,' and gave him a very grand dinner. Well, Curran was + mighty pleasant and agreeable, and kept them laughing all night, till the + moment he rose to go away, and then he told them that he never spent so + happy an evening, and all that. 'But, gentlemen,' said he, 'business has + its calls, and I must tear myself away; so wishing you now'—there + were just eighteen of them—'wishing you now every happiness and + prosperity, permit me to take my leave'—and here he stole near the + door—'to take my leave, and bid you both good night.'" With a + running fire of such stories, it may be supposed how difficult was my task + in getting any thing done upon the stage. + </p> + <p> + Well, at last the long-expected Friday arrived, and I rose in the morning + with all that peculiar tourbillon of spirits that a man feels when he is + half pleased and whole frightened with the labour before him. I had + scarcely accomplished dressing when a servant tapped at my door, and + begged to know if I could spare a few moments to speak to Miss Ersler, who + was in the drawing-room. I replied, of course, in the affirmative, and, + rightly conjecturing that my fair friend must be the lovely Fanny already + alluded to, followed the servant down stairs. + </p> + <p> + "Mr. Lorrequer," said the servant, and closing the door behind me, left me + in sole possession of the lady. + </p> + <p> + "Will you do me the favour to sit here, Mr. Lorrequer," said one of the + sweetest voices in the world, as she made room for me on the sofa beside + her. "I am particularly short-sighted; so pray sit near me, as I really + cannot talk to any one I don't see." + </p> + <p> + I blundered out some platitude of a compliment to her eyes—the + fullest and most lovely blue that ever man gazed into—at which she + smiled as if pleased, and continued, "Now, Mr. Lorrequer, I have really + been longing for your coming; for your friends of the 4_th are doubtless + very dashing, spirited young gentlemen, perfectly versed in war's alarms; + but pardon me if I say that a more wretched company of strolling wretches + never graced a barn. Now, come, don't be angry, but let me proceed. Like + all amateur people, they have the happy knack in distributing the + characters—to put every man in his most unsuitable position—and + then that poor dear thing Curzon—I hope he's not a friend of yours—by + some dire fatality always plays the lover's parts, ha! ha! ha! True, I + assure you, so that if you had not been announced as coming this week, I + should have left them and gone off to Bath." + </p> + <p> + Here she rose and adjusted her brown ringlets at the glass, giving me + ample time to admire one of the most perfect figures I ever beheld. She + was most becomingly dressed, and betrayed a foot and ancle which for + symmetry and "chaussure," might have challenged the Rue Rivoli itself to + match it. + </p> + <p> + My first thought was poor Curzon; my second, happy and trice fortunate + Harry Lorrequer. There was no time, however, for indulgence in such very + pardonable gratulation; so I at once proceeded "pour faire l'aimable," to + profess my utter inability to do justice to her undoubted talents, but + slyly added, "that in the love making part of the matter she should never + be able to discover that I was not in earnest." We chatted then gaily for + upwards of an hour, until the arrival of her friend's carriage was + announced, when, tendering me most graciously her hand, she smiled + benignly and saying "au revoir, donc," drove off. + </p> + <p> + As I stood upon the steps of the hotel, viewing her "out of the visible + horizon," I was joined by Curzon, who evidently, from his self-satisfied + air, and jaunty gait, little knew how he stood in the fair Fanny's + estimation. + </p> + <p> + "Very pretty, very pretty, indeed, deeper and deeper still," cried he, + alluding to my most courteous salutation as the carriage rounded the + corner, and it lovely occupant kissed her hand once more. "I say Harry, my + friend, you don't think that was meant for you, I should hope?" + </p> + <p> + "What! the kiss of the hand? Yes, faith, but I do." + </p> + <p> + "Well, certainly that is good! why, man, she just saw me coming up that + instant. She and I—we understand each other—never mind, don't + be cross—no fault of yours, you know." + </p> + <p> + "Ah, so she is taken with you," said I. "Eh, Charley?" + </p> + <p> + "Why, I believe that. I may confess to you the real state of matters. She + was devilishly struck with me the first time we rehearsed together. We + soon got up a little flirtation; but the other night when I played Mirabel + to her, it finished the affair. She was quite nervous, and could scarcely + go through with her part. I saw it, and upon my soul I am sorry for it; + she's a prodigiously fine girl—such lips and such teeth! Egad I was + delighted when you came; for, you see, I was in a manner obliged to take + one line of character, and I saw pretty plainly where it must end; and you + know with you it's quite different, she'll laugh and chat, and all that + sort of thing, but she'll not be carried away by her feelings; you + understand me?" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, perfectly; it's quite different, as you observed." + </p> + <p> + If I had not been supported internally during this short dialogue by the + recently expressed opinion of the dear Fanny herself upon my friend + Curzon's merits, I think I should have been tempted to take the liberty of + wringing his neck off. However, the affair was much better as it stood, as + I had only to wait a little with proper patience, and I had no fears but + that my friend Charley would become the hero of a very pretty episode for + the mess. + </p> + <p> + "So I suppose you must feel considerably bored by this kind of thing," I + said, endeavouring to draw him out. + </p> + <p> + "Why, I do," replied he, "and I do not. The girl is very pretty. The place + is dull in the morning; and altogether it helps to fill up time." + </p> + <p> + "Well," said I, "you are always fortunate, Curzon. You have ever your + share of what floating luck the world affords." + </p> + <p> + "It is not exactly all luck, my dear friend; for, as I shall explain to + you—" + </p> + <p> + "Not now," replied I, "for I have not yet breakfasted." So saying I turned + into the coffee-room, leaving the worthy adjutant to revel in his fancied + conquest, and pity such unfortunates as myself. + </p> + <p> + After an early dinner at the club-house, I hastened down to the theatre, + where numerous preparations for the night were going forward. The + green-room was devoted to the office of a supper-room, to which the + audience had been invited. The dressing-rooms were many of them filled + with the viands destined for the entertainment. Where, among the wooden + fowls and "impracticable" flagons, were to be seen very imposing pasties + and flasks of champaigne, littered together in most admirable disorder. + The confusion naturally incidental to all private theatricals, was + ten-fold increased by the circumstances of our projected supper. Cooks and + scene-shifters, fiddlers and waiters, were most inextricably mingled; and + as in all similar cases, the least important functionaries took the + greatest airs upon them, and appropriated without hesitation whatever came + to their hands—thus the cook would not have scrupled to light a fire + with the violoncello of the orchestra; and I actually caught one of the + "gens de cuisine" making a "soufflet" in a brass helmet I had once worn + when astonishing the world as Coriolanus. + </p> + <p> + Six o'clock struck. In another short hour and we begin, thought I, with a + sinking heart, as I looked upon the littered stage crowded with hosts of + fellows that had nothing to do there. Figaro himself never wished for + ubiquity more than I did, as I hastened from place to place, entreating, + cursing, begging, scolding, execrating, and imploring by turns. To mend + the matter, the devils in the orchestra had begun to tune their + instruments, and I had to bawl like a boatswain of a man-of-war, to be + heard by the person beside me. + </p> + <p> + As seven o'clock struck, I peeped through the small aperture in the + curtain, and saw, to my satisfaction, mingled, I confess, with fear, that + the house was nearly filled—the lower tier of boxes entirely so. + There were a great many ladies handsomely dressed, chatting gaily with + their chaperons, and I recognised some of my acquaintances on every side; + in fact, there was scarcely a family of rank in the county that had not at + least some member of it present. As the orchestra struck up the overture + to Don Giovanni, I retired from my place to inspect the arrangements + behind. + </p> + <p> + Before the performance of the "Family Party," we were to have a little + one-act piece called "a day in Madrid," written by myself—the + principal characters being expressly composed for "Miss Ersler and Mr. + Lorrequer." + </p> + <p> + The story of this trifle, it is not necessary to allude to; indeed, if it + were, I should scarcely have patience to do so, so connected is my + recollection of it with the distressing incident which followed. + </p> + <p> + In the first scene of the piece, the curtain rising displays la belle + Fanny sitting at her embroidery in the midst of a beautiful garden, + surrounded with statues, fountains, At the back is seen a pavillion in the + ancient Moorish style of architecture, over which hang the branches of + some large and shady trees—she comes forward, expressing her + impatience at the delay of her lover, whose absence she tortures herself + to account for by a hundred different suppositions, and after a very + sufficient expose of her feelings, and some little explanatory details of + her private history, conveying a very clear intimation of her own + amiability, and her guardian's cruelty, she proceeds, after the fashion of + other young ladies similarly situated, to give utterance to her feelings + by a song; after, therefore, a suitable prelude from the orchestra, for + which, considering the impassioned state of her mind, she waits patiently, + she comes forward and begins a melody— + </p> + <p> + "Oh why is he far from the heart that adores him?" + </p> + <p> + in which, for two verses, she proceeds with sundry sol feggio's, to + account for the circumstances, and show her disbelief of the explanation + in a very satisfactory manner,—meanwhile, for I must not expose my + reader to an anxiety on my account, similar to what the dear Fanny here + laboured under, I was making the necessary preparations for flying to her + presence, and clasping her to my heart—that is to say, I had already + gummed on a pair of mustachios, had corked and arched a ferocious pair of + eyebrows, which, with my rouged cheeks, gave me a look half Whiskerando, + half Grimaldi; these operations were performed, from the stress of + circumstances, sufficiently near the object of my affections, to afford me + the pleasing satisfaction of hearing from her own sweet lips, her + solicitude about me—in a word, all the dressing-rooms but two were + filled with hampers of provisions, glass, china, and crockery, and from + absolute necessity, I had no other spot where I could attire myself + unseen, except in the identical pavillion already alluded to—here, + however, I was quite secure, and had abundant time also, for I was not to + appear till scene the second, when I was to come forward in full Spanish + costume, "every inch a Hidalgo." Meantime, Fanny had been singing— + </p> + <p> + "Oh why is he far," + </p> + <p> + At the conclusion of the last verse, just as she repeats the words "why, + why, why," in a very distracted and melting cadence, a voice behind + startles her—she turns and beholds her guardian—so at least + run the course of events in the real drama—that it should follow + thus now however, "Dus aliter visum"—for just as she came to the + very moving apostrophe alluded to, and called out, "why comes he not?"—a + gruff voice from behind answered in a strong Cork brogue—"ah! would + ye have him come in a state of nature?" at the instant a loud whistle rang + through the house, and the pavillion scene slowly drew up, discovering me, + Harry Lorrequer, seated on a small stool before a cracked looking-glass, + my only habiliments, as I am an honest man, being a pair of long white + silk stockings, and a very richly embroidered shirt with point lace + collar. The shouts of laughter are yet in my ears, the loud roar of + inextinguishable mirth, which after the first brief pause of astonishment + gave way, shook the entire building—my recollection may well have + been confused at such a moment of unutterable shame and misery; yet, I + clearly remember seeing Fanny, the sweet Fanny herself, fall into an + arm-chair nearly suffocated with convulsions of laughter. I cannot go on; + what I did I know not. I suppose my exit was additionally ludicrous, for a + new eclat de rire followed me out. I rushed out of the theatre, and + wrapping only my cloak round me, ran without stopping to the barracks. But + I must cease; these are woes too sacred for even confessions like mine, so + let me close the curtain of my room and my chapter together, and say, + adieu for a season. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + <a name="ch16b" id="ch16b"></a>CHAPTER XVIb. + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h4> + [Note: There are two Chapter XVIs. In the table of contents, + </h4> + <h4> + this one has an asterisk but no explanation.] + </h4> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + THE WAGER. + </h3> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + It might have been about six weeks after the events detailed in my last + chapter had occurred, that Curzon broke suddenly into my room one morning + before I had risen, and throwing a precautionary glance around, as if to + assure himself that we were alone, seized my hand with a most unusual + earnestness, and, steadfastly looking at me, said— + </p> + <p> + "Harry Lorrequer, will you stand by me?" + </p> + <p> + So sudden and unexpected was his appearance at the moment, that I really + felt but half awake, and kept puzzling myself for an explanation of the + scene, rather than thinking of a reply to his question; perceiving which, + and auguring but badly from my silence, he continued— + </p> + <p> + "Am I then, really deceived in what I believed to be an old and tried + friend?" + </p> + <p> + "Why, what the devil's the matter?" I cried out. "If you are in a scrape, + why of course you know I'm your man; but, still, it's only fair to let one + know something of the matter in the meanwhile." + </p> + <p> + "In a scrape!" said he, with a long-drawn sigh, intended to beat the whole + Minerva press in its romantic cadence. + </p> + <p> + "Well, but get on a bit," said I, rather impatiently; "who is the fellow + you've got the row with? Not one of ours, I trust?" + </p> + <p> + "Ah, my dear Hal," said he, in the same melting tone as before—"How + your imagination does run upon rows, and broils, and duelling rencontres," + (he, the speaker, be it known to the reader, was the fire-eater of the + regiment,) "as if life had nothing better to offer than the excitement of + a challenge, or the mock heroism of a meeting." + </p> + <p> + As he made a dead pause here, after which he showed no disposition to + continue, I merely added— + </p> + <p> + "Well, at this rate of proceeding we shall get at the matter in hand, on + our way out to Corfu, for I hear we are the next regiment for the + Mediterranean." + </p> + <p> + The observation seemed to have some effect in rousing him from his + lethargy, and he added— + </p> + <p> + "If you only knew the nature of the attachment, and how completely all my + future hopes are concerned upon the issue—" + </p> + <p> + "Ho!" said I, "so it's a money affair, is it? and is it old Watson has + issued the writ? I'll bet a hundred." + </p> + <p> + "Well, upon my soul, Lorrequer," said he, jumping from his chair, and + speaking with more energy than he had before evinced, "you are, without + exception, the most worldly-minded, cold-blooded fellow I ever met. What + have I said that could have led you to suppose I had either a duel or a + law-suit upon my hands this morning? Learn, once and for all, man, that I + am in love—desperately and over head and ears in love." + </p> + <p> + "Et puis," said I coolly. + </p> + <p> + "And intend to marry immediately." + </p> + <p> + "Oh, very well," said I; "the fighting and debt will come later, that's + all. But to return—now for the lady." + </p> + <p> + "Come, you must make a guess." + </p> + <p> + "Why, then, I really must confess my utter inability; for your attentions + have been so generally and impartially distributed since our arrival here, + that it may be any fair one, from your venerable partner at whist last + evening, to Mrs. Henderson, the pastry-cook inclusive, for whose macaroni + and cherry-brandy your feelings have been as warm as they are constant." + </p> + <p> + "Come, no more quizzing, Hal. You surely must have remarked that lovely + girl I waltzed with at Power's ball on Tuesday last." + </p> + <p> + "Lovely girl! Why, in all seriousness, you don't mean the small woman with + the tow wig?" + </p> + <p> + "No, I do not mean any such thing—but a beautiful creature, with the + brightest locks in Christendom—the very light-brown waving ringlets, + Dominicheno loved to paint, and a foot—did you see her foot?" + </p> + <p> + "No; that was rather difficult, for she kept continually bobbing up and + down, like a boy's cork-float in a fish-pond." + </p> + <p> + "Stop there. I shall not permit this any longer—I came not here to + listen to—" + </p> + <p> + "But, Curzon, my boy, you're not angry?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes, sir, I am angry." + </p> + <p> + "Why, surely, you have not been serious all this time?" + </p> + <p> + "And why not, pray?" + </p> + <p> + "Oh! I don't exactly know—that is, faith I scarcely thought you were + in earnest, for if I did, of course I should honestly have confessed to + you that the lady in question struck me as one of the handsomest persons I + ever met." + </p> + <p> + "You think so really, Hal?" + </p> + <p> + "Certainly I do, and the opinion is not mine alone; she is, in fact + universally admired." + </p> + <p> + "Come, Harry, excuse my bad temper. I ought to have known you better—give + me your hand, old boy, and wish me joy, for with you aiding and abetting + she is mine to-morrow morning." + </p> + <p> + I wrung his hand heartily—congratulating myself, meanwhile, how + happily I had got out of my scrape; as I now, for the first time, + perceived that Curzon was bona fide in earnest. + </p> + <p> + "So, you will stand by me, Hal," said he. + </p> + <p> + "Of course. Only show me how, and I'm perfectly at your service. Any thing + from riding postillion on the leaders to officiating as brides-maid, and I + am your man. And if you are in want of such a functionary, I shall stand + in 'loco parentis' to the lady, and give her away with as much 'onction' + and tenderness as tho' I had as many marriageable daughters as king Priam + himself. It is with me in marriage as in duelling—I'll be any thing + rather than a principal; and I have long since disapproved of either + method as a means of 'obtaining satisfaction.'" + </p> + <p> + "Ah, Harry, I shall not be discouraged by your sneers. You've been rather + unlucky, I'm aware; but now to return: Your office, on this occasion, is + an exceedingly simple one, and yet that which I could only confide to one + as much my friend as yourself. You must carry my dearest Louisa off." + </p> + <p> + "Carry her off! Where?—when?—how?" + </p> + <p> + "All that I have already arranged, as you shall hear." + </p> + <p> + "Yes. But first of all please to explain why, if going to run away with + the lady, you don't accompany her yourself." + </p> + <p> + "Ah! I knew you would say that, I could have laid a wager you'd ask that + question, for it is just that very explanation will show all the native + delicacy and feminine propriety of my darling Loo; and first, I must tell + you, that old Sir Alfred Jonson, her father, has some confounded prejudice + against the army, and never would consent to her marriage with a red-coat—so + that, his consent being out of the question, our only resource is an + elopement. Louisa consents to this, but only upon one condition—and + this she insists upon so firmly—I had almost said obstinately—that, + notwithstanding all my arguments and representations, and even entreaties + against it, she remains inflexible; so that I have at length yielded, and + she is to have her own way." + </p> + <p> + "Well, and what is the condition she lays such stress upon?" + </p> + <p> + "Simply this—that we are never to travel a mile together until I + obtain my right to do so, by making her my wife. She has got some trumpery + notions in her head that any slight transgression over the bounds of + delicacy made by women before marriage is ever after remembered by the + husband to their disadvantage, and she is, therefore, resolved not to + sacrifice her principle even at such a crisis as the present." + </p> + <p> + "All very proper, I have no doubt; but still, pray explain what I confess + appears somewhat strange to me at present. How does so very + delicately-minded a person reconcile herself to travelling with a perfect + stranger under such circumstances?" + </p> + <p> + "That I can explain perfectly to you. You must know that when my darling + Loo consented to take this step, which I induced her to do with the + greatest difficulty, she made the proviso I have just mentioned; I at once + showed her that I had no maiden aunt or married sister to confide her to + at such a moment, and what was to be done? She immediately replied, 'Have + you no elderly brother officer, whose years and discretion will put the + transaction in such a light as to silence the slanderous tongues of the + world, for with such a man I am quite ready and willing to trust myself.' + You see I was hard pushed there. What could I do?—whom could I + select? Old Hayes, the paymaster, is always tipsy; Jones is five-and-forty—but + egad! I'm not so sure I'd have found my betrothed at the end of the stage. + You were my only hope; I knew I could rely upon you. You would carry on + the whole affair with tact and discretion; and as to age, your stage + experience would enable you, with a little assistance from costume, to + pass muster; besides that, I have always represented you as the very + Methuselah of the corps; and in the grey dawn of an autumnal morning—with + maiden bashfulness assisting—the scrutiny is not likely to be a + close one. So, now, your consent is alone wanting to complete the + arrangements which, before this time to-morrow, shall have made me the + happiest of mortals." + </p> + <p> + Having expressed, in fitting terms, my full sense of obligation for the + delicate flattery with which he pictured me as "Old Lorrequer" to the + Lady, I begged a more detailed account of his plan, which I shall shorten + for my reader's sake, by the following brief expose. + </p> + <p> + A post-chaise and four was to be in waiting at five o'clock in the morning + to convey me to Sir Alfred Jonson's residence, about twelve miles distant. + There I was to be met by a lady at the gate-lodge, who was subsequently to + accompany me to a small village on the Nore, where an old college friend + of Curzon's happened to reside, as parson, and by whom the treaty was to + be concluded. + </p> + <p> + This was all simple and clear enough—the only condition necessary to + insure success being punctuality, particularly on the lady's part. As to + mine I readily promised my best aid and warmest efforts in my friend's + behalf. + </p> + <p> + "There is only one thing more," said Curzon. "Louisa's younger brother is + a devilish hot-headed, wild sort of a fellow; and it would be as well, + just for precaution sake, to have your pistols along with you, if, by any + chance, he should make out what was going forward—not but that you + know if any thing serious was to take place, I should be the person to + take all that upon my hands." + </p> + <p> + "Oh! of course—I understand," said I. Meanwhile I could not help + running over in my mind the pleasant possibilities such an adventure + presented, heartily wishing that Curzon had been content to marry by bans + or any other of the legitimate modes in use, without risking his friend's + bones. The other pros and cons of the matter, with full and accurate + directions as to the road to be taken on obtaining possession of the lady, + being all arranged, we parted, I to settle my costume and appearance for + my first performance in an old man's part, and Curzon to obtain a short + leave for a few days from the commanding officer of the regiment. + </p> + <p> + When we again met, which was at the mess-table, it was not without + evidence on either side of that peculiar consciousness which persons feel + who have, or think they have, some secret in common, which the world wots + not of. Curzon's unusually quick and excited manner would at once have + struck any close observer as indicating the eve of some important step, no + less than continual allusions to whatever was going on, by sly and + equivocal jokes and ambiguous jests. Happily, however, on the present + occasion, the party were otherwise occupied than watching him—being + most profoundly and learnedly engaged in discussing medicine and matters + medical with all the acute and accurate knowledge which characterises such + discussions among the non-medical public. + </p> + <p> + The present conversation originated from some mention our senior surgeon + Fitzgerald had just made of a consultation which he was invited to attend + on the next morning, at the distance of twenty miles, and which + necessitated him to start at a most uncomfortably early hour. While he + continued to deplore the hard fate of such men as himself, so eagerly + sought after by the world, that their own hours were eternally broken in + upon by external claims, the juniors were not sparing of their mirth on + the occasion, at the expense of the worthy doctor, who, in plain truth, + had never been disturbed by a request like the present within any one's + memory. Some asserted that the whole thing was a puff, got up by Fitz. + himself, who was only going to have a day's partridge-shooting; others + hinting that it was a blind to escape the vigilance of Mrs. Fitzgerald—a + well-known virago in the regiment—while Fitz. enjoyed himself; and a + third party, pretending to sympathise with the doctor, suggested that a + hundred pounds would be the least he could possibly be offered for such + services as his on so grave an occasion. + </p> + <p> + "No, no, only fifty," said Fitz. gravely. + </p> + <p> + "Fifty! Why, you tremendous old humbug, you don't mean to say you'll make + fifty pounds before we are out of our beds in the morning?" cried one. + </p> + <p> + "I'll take your bet on it," said the doctor, who had, in this instance, + reason to suppose his fee would be a large one. + </p> + <p> + During this discussion, the claret had been pushed round rather freely; + and fully bent, as I was, upon the adventure before me, I had taken my + share of it as a preparation. I thought of the amazing prize I was about + to be instrumental in securing for my friend—for the lady had really + thirty thousand pounds—and I could not conceal my triumph at such a + prospect of success in comparison with the meaner object of ambition. They + all seemed to envy poor Fitzgerald. I struggled with my secret for some + time—but my pride and the claret together got the better of me, and + I called out, "Fifty pounds on it, then, that before ten to-morrow + morning, I'll make a better hit of it than you—and the mess shall + decide between us afterwards as to the winner." + </p> + <p> + "And if you will," said I, seeing some reluctance on Fitz.'s part to take + the wager, and getting emboldened in consequence, "let the judgment be + pronounced over a couple of dozen of champaigne, paid by the loser." + </p> + <p> + This was a coup d'etat on my part, for I knew at once there were so many + parties to benefit by the bet, terminate which way it might, there could + be no possibility of evading it. My ruse succeeded, and poor Fitzgerald, + fairly badgered into a wager, the terms of which he could not in the least + comprehend, was obliged to sign the conditions inserted in the adjutant's + note-book—his greatest hope in so doing being in the quantity of + wine he had seen me drink during the evening. As for myself, the bet was + no sooner made than I began to think upon the very little chance I had of + winning it; for even supposing my success perfect in the department + allotted to me, it might with great reason be doubted what peculiar + benefit I myself derived as a counterbalance to the fee of the doctor. For + this, my only trust lay in the justice of a decision which I conjectured + would lean more towards the goodness of a practical joke than the equity + of the transaction. The party at mess soon after separated, and I wished + my friend good night for the last time before meeting him as a + bride-groom. + </p> + <p> + I arranged every thing in order for my start. My pistol-case I placed + conspicuously before me, to avoid being forgotten in the haste of + departure; and, having ordered my servant to sit up all night in the + guard-room until he heard the carriage at the barrack-gate, threw myself + on my bed, but not to sleep. The adventure I was about to engage in + suggested to my mind a thousand associations, into which many of the + scenes I have already narrated entered. I thought how frequently I had + myself been on the verge of that state which Curzon was about to try, and + how it always happened that when nearest to success, failure had + intervened. From my very school-boy days my love adventures had the same + unfortunate abruptness in their issue; and there seemed to be something + very like a fatality in the invariable unsuccess of my efforts at + marriage. I feared, too, that my friend Curzon had placed himself in very + unfortunate hands—if augury were to be relied upon. Something will + surely happen, thought I, from my confounded ill luck, and all will be + blown up. Wearied at last with thinking I fell into a sound sleep for + about three-quarters of an hour, at the end of which I was awoke by my + servant informing me that a chaise and four were drawn up at the end of + the barrack lane. + </p> + <p> + "Why, surely, they are too early, Stubber? It's only four o'clock." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, sir; but they say that the road for eight miles is very bad, and + they must go it almost at a walk." + </p> + <p> + That is certainly pleasant, thought I, but I'm in for it now, so can't + help it. + </p> + <p> + In a few minutes I was up and dressed, and so perfectly transformed by the + addition of a brown scratch-wig and large green spectacles, and a + deep-flapped waistcoat, that my servant, on re-entering my room, could not + recognise me. I followed him now across the barrack-yard, as, with my + pistol-case under one arm and a lantern in his hand, he proceeded to the + barrack-gate. + </p> + <p> + As I passed beneath the adjutant's window, I saw a light—the sash + was quickly thrown open, and Curzon appeared. + </p> + <p> + "Is that you, Harry?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes—when do you start?" + </p> + <p> + "In about two hours. I've only eight miles to go—you have upwards of + twelve, and no time to lose. God bless you, my boy—we'll meet soon." + </p> + <p> + "Here's the carriage, sir; this way." + </p> + <p> + "Well, my lads, you know the road I suppose?" + </p> + <p> + "Every inch of it, your honour's glory; we're always coming it for doctors + and 'pothecaries; they're never a week without them." + </p> + <p> + I was soon seated, the door clapped to, and the words "all right" given, + and away we went. + </p> + <p> + Little as I had slept during the night, my mind was too much occupied with + the adventure I was engaged in, to permit any thoughts of sleep now, so + that I had abundant opportunity afforded me of pondering over all the + bearings of the case, with much more of deliberation and caution than I + had yet bestowed upon it. One thing was certain, whether success did or + did not attend our undertaking, the risk was mine and mine only; and if by + any accident the affair should be already known to the family, I stood a + very fair chance of being shot by one of the sons, or stoned to death by + the tenantry; while my excellent friend Curzon should be eating his + breakfast with his reverend friend, and only interrupting himself in his + fourth muffin, to wonder "what could keep them;" and besides for minor + miseries will, like the little devils in Don Giovanni, thrust up their + heads among their better-grown brethren, my fifty-pound bet looked rather + blue; for even under the most favourable light considered, however Curzon + might be esteemed a gainer, it might be well doubted how far I had + succeeded better than the doctor, when producing his fee in evidence. + Well, well, I'm in for it now; but it certainly is strange, all these very + awkward circumstances never struck me so forcibly before; and after all, + it was not quite fair of Curzon to put any man forward in such a + transaction; the more so, as such a representation might be made of it at + the Horse-Guards as to stop a man's promotion, or seriously affect his + prospects for life, and I at last began to convince myself that many a man + so placed, would carry the lady off himself, and leave the adjutant to + settle the affair with the family. For two mortal hours did I conjure up + every possible disagreeable contingency that might arise. My being mulcted + of my fifty and laughed at by the mess seemed inevitable, even were I + fortunate enough to escape a duel with the fire-eating brother. Meanwhile + a thick misty rain continued to fall, adding so much to the darkness of + the early hour, that I could see nothing of the country about me, and knew + nothing of where I was. + </p> + <p> + Troubles are like laudanum, a small dose only excites, a strong one sets + you to sleep—not a very comfortable sleep mayhap—but still it + is sleep, and often very sound sleep; so it now happened with me. I had + pondered over, weighed, and considered all the pros, cons, turnings, and + windings of this awkward predicament, till I had fairly convinced myself + that I was on the high road to a confounded scrape; and then, having + established that fact to my entire satisfaction, I fell comfortably back + in the chaise, and sunk into a most profound slumber. + </p> + <p> + If to any of my readers I may appear here to have taken a very despondent + view of this whole affair, let him only call to mind my invariable ill + luck in such matters, and how always it had been my lot to see myself on + the fair road to success, only up to that point at which it is certain, + besides—but why explain? These are my confessions. I may not alter + what are matters of fact, and my reader must only take me with all the + imperfections of wrong motives and headlong impulses upon my head, or + abandon me at once. + </p> + <p> + Meanwhile the chaise rolled along, and the road being better and the pace + faster, my sleep became more easy; thus, about an hour and a half after I + had fallen asleep, passed rapidly over, when the sharp turning of an angle + distended me from my leaning position, and I awoke. I started up and + rubbed my eyes; several seconds elapsed before I could think where I was + or whither going. Consciousness at last came, and I perceived that we were + driving up a thickly planted avenue. Why, confound it, they can't have + mistaken it, thought I, or are we really going up to the house, instead of + waiting at the lodge? I at once lowered the sash, and stretching out my + head, cried out, "Do you know what ye are about, lads; is this all right?" + but unfortunately, amid the rattling of the gravel and the clatter of the + horses, my words were unheard; and thinking I was addressing a request to + go faster, the villains cracked their whips, and breaking into a full + gallop, before five minutes flew over, they drew up with a jerk at the + foot of a long portico to a large and spacious cut-stone mansion. When I + rallied from the sudden check, which had nearly thrown me through the + window, I gave myself up for lost: here I was vis a vis to the very + hall-door of the man whose daughter I was about to elope with, whether so + placed by the awkwardness and blundering of the wretches who drove me, or + delivered up by their treachery, it mattered not, my fate seemed certain; + before I had time to determine upon any line of acting in this confounded + dilemma, the door was jerked open by a servant in a sombre livery; who, + protruding his head and shoulders into the chaise, looked at me steadily + for a moment, and said, "Ah! then, doctor darlin', but ye're welcome." + With the speed with which sometimes the bar of an air long since heard, or + the passing glance of an old familiar fact can call up the memory of our + very earliest childhood, bright and vivid before us, so that one single + phrase explained the entire mystery of my present position, and I saw in + one rapid glance that I had got into the chaise intended for Dr. + Fitzgerald, and was absolutely at that moment before the hall-door of the + patient. My first impulse was an honest one, to avow the mistake and + retrace my steps, taking my chance to settle with Curzon, whose + matrimonial scheme I foresaw was doomed to the untimely fate of all those + I had ever been concerned in. My next thought, how seldom is the adage + true which says "that second thoughts are best," was upon my luckless + wager; for, even supposing that Fitzgerald should follow me in the other + chaise, yet as I had the start of him, if I could only pass muster for + half an hour, I might secure the fee, and evacuate the territory; besides + that there was a great chance of Fitz's having gone on my errand, while I + was journeying on his, in which case I should be safe from interruption. + Meanwhile, heaven only could tell, what his interference in poor Curzon's + business might not involve. These serious reflections took about ten + seconds to pass through my mind, as the grave-looking old servant + proceeded to encumber himself with my cloak and my pistol-case, remarking + as he lifted the latter, "And may the Lord grant ye won't want the + instruments this time, doctor, for they say he is better this morning;" + heartily wishing amen to the benevolent prayer of the honest domestic, for + more reasons than one, I descended leisurely, as I conjectured a doctor + ought to do, from the chaise, and with a solemn pace and grave demeanour + followed him into the house. + </p> + <p> + In the small parlour to which I was ushered, sat two gentlemen somewhat + advanced in years, who I rightly supposed were my medical confreres. One + of these was a tall, pale, ascetic-looking man, with grey hairs, and + retreating forehead, slow in speech, and lugubrious in demeanour. The + other, his antithesis, was a short, rosy-cheeked, apoplectic-looking + subject, with a laugh like a suffocating wheeze, and a paunch like an + alderman; his quick, restless eye, and full nether lip denoting more of + the bon vivant than the abstemious disciple of Aesculapius. A moment's + glance satisfied me, that if I had only these to deal with, I was safe, + for I saw that they were of that stamp of country practitioner, + half-physician, half-apothecary, who rarely come in contact with the + higher orders of their art, and then only to be dictated to, obey, and + grumble. + </p> + <p> + "Doctor, may I beg to intrude myself, Mr. Phipps, on your notice? Dr. + Phipps or Mr. It's all one; but I have only a license in pharmacy, though + they call me doctor." + </p> + <p> + "Surgeon Riley, sir; a very respectable practitioner," said he, waving his + hand towards his rubicund confrere. + </p> + <p> + I at once expressed the great happiness it afforded me to meet such highly + informed and justly celebrated gentlemen; and fearing every moment the + arrival of the real Simon Pure should cover me with shame and disgrace, + begged they would afford me as soon as possible, some history of the case + we were concerned for. They accordingly proceeded to expound in a species + of duet, some curious particulars of an old gentleman who had the evil + fortune to have them for his doctors, and who laboured under some swelling + of the neck, which they differed as to the treatment of, and in + consequence of which, the aid of a third party (myself, God bless the + mark!) was requested. + </p> + <p> + As I could by no means divest myself of the fear of Fitz.'s arrival, I + pleaded the multiplicity of my professional engagements as a reason for at + once seeing the patient; upon which I was conducted up stairs by my two + brethren, and introduced to a half-lighted chamber. In a large easy chair + sat a florid-looking old man, with a face in which pain and habitual + ill-temper had combined to absorb every expression. + </p> + <p> + "This is the doctor of the regiment, sir, that you desired to see," said + my tall coadjutor. + </p> + <p> + "Oh! then very well; good morning, sir. I suppose you will find out + something new the matter, for them two there have been doing so every day + this two months." + </p> + <p> + "I trust, sir," I replied stiffly, "that with the assistance of my learned + friends, much may be done for you. Ha! hem! So this is the malady. Turn + your head a little to that side;" here an awful groan escaped the sick + man, for I, it appears, had made considerable impression upon rather a + delicate part, not unintentionally I must confess; for as I remembered + Hoyle's maxim at whist, "when in doubt play a trump," so I thought it + might be true in physic, when posed by a difficulty to do a bold thing + also. "Does that hurt you, sir?" said I in a soothing and affectionate + tone of voice. "Like the devil," growled the patient. "And here?" said I. + "Oh! oh! I can't bear it any longer." "Oh! I perceive," said I, "the thing + is just as I expected." Here I raised my eyebrows, and looked + indescribably wise at my confreres. + </p> + <p> + "No aneurism, doctor," said the tall one. + </p> + <p> + "Certainly not." + </p> + <p> + "Maybe," said the short man, "maybe it's a stay-at-home-with-us tumour + after all;" so at least he appeared to pronounce a confounded technical, + which I afterwards learned was "steatomatous;" conceiving that my rosy + friend was disposed to jeer at me, I gave him a terrific frown, and + resumed, "this must not be touched." + </p> + <p> + "So you won't operate upon it," said the patient. + </p> + <p> + "I would not take a thousand pounds and do so," I replied. "Now if you + please gentlemen," said I, making a step towards the door, as if to + withdraw for consultation; upon which they accompanied me down stairs to + the breakfast-room. As it was the only time in my life I had performed in + this character, I had some doubts as to the propriety of indulging a very + hearty breakfast appetite, not knowing if it were unprofessional to eat; + but from this doubt my learned friends speedily relieved me, by the entire + devotion which they bestowed for about twenty minutes upon ham, rolls, + eggs, and cutlets, barely interrupting these important occupations by sly + allusions to the old gentleman's malady, and his chance of recovery. + </p> + <p> + "Well, doctor," said the pale one, as at length he rested from his + labours, "what are we to do?" + </p> + <p> + "Ay," said the other," there's the question." + </p> + <p> + "Go on," said I, "go on as before; I can't advise you better." Now, this + was a deep stroke of mine; for up to the present moment I do not know what + treatment they were practising; but it looked a shrewd thing to guess it, + and it certainly was civil to approve of it. + </p> + <p> + "So you think that will be best." + </p> + <p> + "I am certain—I know nothing better," I answered. + </p> + <p> + "Well, I'm sure, sir, we have every reason to be gratified for the very + candid manner you have treated us. Sir, I'm your most obedient servant," + said the fat one. + </p> + <p> + "Gentlemen, both your good healths and professional success also:" here I + swallowed a petit verre of brandy; thinking all the while there were worse + things than the practice of physic. + </p> + <p> + "I hope you are not going," said one, as my chaise drew up at the door. + </p> + <p> + "Business calls me," said I, "and I can't help it." + </p> + <p> + "Could not you manage to see our friend here again, in a day or two?" said + the rosy one. + </p> + <p> + "I fear it will be impossible," replied I; "besides I have a notion he may + not desire it." + </p> + <p> + "I have been commissioned to hand you this," said the tall doctor, with a + half sigh, as he put a check into my hand. + </p> + <p> + I bowed slightly, and stuffed the crumpled paper with a half careless air + into my waistcoat pocket, and wishing them both every species of happiness + and success, shook hands four times with each, and drove off; never + believing myself safe 'till I saw the gate-lodge behind me, and felt + myself flying on the road to Kilkenny at about twelve miles Irish an hour. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h2> + <a name="ch17" id="ch17"></a>CHAPTER XVII. + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <h3> + THE ELOPEMENT. + </h3> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <p> + It was past two o'clock when I reached the town. On entering the + barrack-yard, I perceived a large group of officers chatting together, and + every moment breaking into immoderate fits of laughter. I went over, and + immediately learned the source of their mirth, which was this: No sooner + had it been known that Fitzgerald was about to go to a distance, on a + professional call, than a couple of young officers laid their heads + together, and wrote an anonymous note to Mrs. Fitz. who was the very + dragon of jealousy, informing her, that her husband had feigned the whole + history of the patient and consultation as an excuse for absenting himself + on an excursion of gallantry; and that if she wished to satisfy herself of + the truth of the statement, she had only to follow him in the morning, and + detect his entire scheme; the object of these amiable friends being to + give poor Mrs. Fitz. a twenty miles' jaunt, and confront her with her + injured husband at the end of it. + </p> + <p> + Having a mind actively alive to suspicions of this nature, the worthy + woman made all her arrangements for a start, and scarcely was the chaise + and four, with her husband, out of the town, than was she on the track of + it, with a heart bursting with jealousy, and vowing vengeance to the + knife, against all concerned in this scheme to wrong her. + </p> + <p> + So far the plan of her persecutors had perfectly succeeded; they saw her + depart, on a trip of, as they supposed, twenty miles, and their whole + notions of the practical joke were limited to the eclaircissement that + must ensue at the end. Little, however, were they aware how much more + nearly the suspected crime, was the position of the poor doctor to turn + out; for, as by one blunder I had taken his chaise, so he, without any + inquiry whatever, had got into the one intended for me; and never awoke + from a most refreshing slumber, till shaken by the shoulder by the + postillion, who whispered in his ear—"here we are sir; this is the + gate." + </p> + <p> + "But why stop at the gate? Drive up the avenue, my boy." + </p> + <p> + "His honor told me, sir, not for the world to go farther than the lodge; + nor to make as much noise as a mouse." + </p> + <p> + "Ah! very true. He may be very irritable, poor man! Well stop here, and + I'll get out." + </p> + <p> + Just as the doctor had reached the ground, a very smart-looking soubrette + tripped up, and said to him— + </p> + <p> + "Beg pardon, sir; but you are the gentleman from the barrack, sir?" + </p> + <p> + "Yes, my dear," said Fitz., with a knowing look at the pretty face of the + damsel, "what can I do for you?" + </p> + <p> + "Why sir, my mistress is here in the shrubbery; but she is so nervous, and + so frightened, I don't know how she'll go through it." + </p> + <p> + "Ah! she's frightened, poor thing; is she? Oh! she must keep up her + spirits, while there's life there's hope." + </p> + <p> + "Sir." + </p> + <p> + "I say, my darling, she must not give way. I'll speak to her a little. Is + not he rather advanced in life?" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, Lord! no sir. Only two-and-thirty, my mistress tells me?" + </p> + <p> + "Two-and-thirty! Why I thought he was above sixty." + </p> + <p> + "Above sixty! Law! sir. You have a bright fancy. This is the gentleman, + ma'am. Now sir, I'll just slip aside for a moment, and let you talk to + her." + </p> + <p> + "I am grieved, ma'am, that I have not the happiness to make your + acquaintance under happier circumstances." + </p> + <p> + "I must confess, sir—though I am ashamed"— + </p> + <p> + "Never be ashamed, ma'am. Your grief, although, I trust causeless, does + you infinite honor." + </p> + <p> + "Upon my soul she is rather pretty," said the doctor to himself here. + </p> + <p> + "Well, sir! as I have the most perfect confidence in you, from all I have + heard of you, I trust you will not think me abrupt in saying that any + longer delay here is dangerous." + </p> + <p> + "Dangerous! Is he in so critical a state as that then?" + </p> + <p> + "Critical a state, sir! Why what do you mean?" + </p> + <p> + "I mean, ma'am, do you think, then, it must be done to-day?" + </p> + <p> + "Of course I do, sir, and I shall never leave the spot without your + assuring me of it." + </p> + <p> + "Oh! in that case make your mind easy. I have the instruments in the + chaise." + </p> + <p> + "The instruments in the chaise! Really, sir, if you are not jesting—I + trust you don't think this is a fitting time for such—I entreat of + you to speak more plainly and intelligibly." + </p> + <p> + "Jesting, ma'am! I'm incapable of jesting at such a moment." + </p> + <p> + "Ma'am! ma'am! I see one of the rangers, ma'am, at a distance; so don't + lose a moment, but get into the chaise at once." + </p> + <p> + "Well, sir, let us away; for I have now gone too far to retract." + </p> + <p> + "Help my mistress into the chaise, sir. Lord! what a man it is." + </p> + <p> + A moment more saw the poor doctor seated beside the young lady, while the + postillions plied whip and spur with their best energy; and the road flew + beneath them. Meanwhile the delay caused by this short dialogue, enabled + Mrs. Fitz.'s slower conveyance to come up with the pursuit, and her chaise + had just turned the angle of the road as she caught a glimpse of a muslin + dress stepping into the carriage with her husband. + </p> + <p> + There are no words capable of conveying the faintest idea of the feelings + that agitated Mrs. Fitz. at this moment. The fullest confirmation to her + worst fears was before her eyes—just at the very instant when a + doubt was beginning to cross over her mind that it might have been merely + a hoax that was practised on her, and that the worthy Doctor was innocent + and blameless. As for the poor Doctor himself, there seemed little chance + of his being enlightened as to the real state of matters; for from the + moment the young lady had taken her place in the chaise, she had buried + her face in her hands, and sobbed continually. Meanwhile he concluded that + they were approaching the house by some back entrance, to avoid noise and + confusion, and waited, with due patience, for the journey's end. + </p> + <p> + As, however, her grief continued unabated, Fitz. at length began to think + of the many little consolatory acts he had successfully practised in his + professional career, and was just insinuating some very tender speech on + the score of resignation, with his head inclined towards the weeping lady + beside him, when the chaise of Mrs. Fitz. came up along-side, and the + postillions having yielded to the call to halt, drew suddenly up, + displaying to the enraged wife the tableau we have mentioned. + </p> + <p> + "So, wretch," she screamed rather than spoke, "I have detected you at + last." + </p> + <p> + "Lord bless me! Why it is my wife." + </p> + <p> + "Yes, villain! your injured, much-wronged wife! And you, madam, may I ask + what you have to say for thus eloping with a married man?" + </p> + <p> + "Shame! My dear Jemima," said Fitz. "how can you possibly permit your + foolish jealousy so far to blind your reason. Don't you see I am going + upon a professional call?" + </p> + <p> + "Oh! you are. Are you? Quite professional, I'll be bound." + </p> + <p> + "Oh, sir! Oh, madam! I beseech you, save me from the anger of my + relatives, and the disgrace of exposure. Pray bring me back at once." + </p> + <p> + "Why, my God! ma'am, what do you mean? You are not gone mad, as well as my + wife." + </p> + <p> + "Really, Mr. Fitz." said Mrs. F. "this is carrying the joke too far. Take + your unfortunate victim—as I suppose she is such—home to her + parents, and prepare to accompany me to the barrack; and if there be law + and justice in—" + </p> + <p> + "Well! may the Lord in his mercy preserve my senses, or you will both + drive me clean mad." + </p> + <p> + "Oh, dear! oh, dear!" sobbed the young lady, while Mrs. Fitzgerald + continued to upbraid at the top of her voice, heedless of the disclaimers + and protestations of innocence poured out with the eloquence of despair, + by the poor doctor. Matters were in this state, when a man dressed in a + fustian jacket, like a groom, drove up to the side of the road, in a + tax-cart; he immediately got down, and tearing open the door of the + doctor's chaise, lifted out the young lady, and deposited her safely in + his own conveyance, merely adding— + </p> + <p> + "I say, master, you're in luck this morning, that Mr. William took the + lower road; for if he had come up with you instead of me, he'd blow the + roof off your scull, that's all." + </p> + <p> + While these highly satisfactory words were being addressed to poor Fitz. + Mrs. Fitzgerald had removed from her carriage to that of her husband, + perhaps preferring four horses to two; or perhaps she had still some + unexplained views of the transaction, which might as well be told on the + road homeward. + </p> + <p> + Whatever might have been the nature of Mrs. F.'s dissertation, nothing is + known. The chaise containing these turtle doves arrived late at night at + Kilkenny, and Fitz. was installed safely in his quarters before any one + knew of his having come back. The following morning he was reported ill; + and for three weeks he was but once seen, and at that time only at his + window, with a flannel night-cap on his head, looking particularly pale, + and rather dark under one eye. + </p> + <p> + As for Curzon—the last thing known of him that luckless morning, was + his hiring a post-chaise for the Royal Oak, from whence he posted to + Dublin, and hastened on to England. In a few days we learned that the + adjutant had exchanged into a regiment in Canada; and to this hour there + are not three men in the __th who know the real secret of that morning's + misadventures. <br /> + </p> + <hr /> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of Harry Lorrequer, +Vol. 2, by Charles James Lever + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HARRY LORREQUER, VOL. 2 *** + +***** This file should be named 5235-h.htm or 5235-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/3/5235/ + +Produced by Mary Munarin and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: The Confessions of Harry Lorrequer, Vol. 2 + +Author: Charles James Lever + +Release Date: October 27, 2006 [EBook #5235] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HARRY LORREQUER, VOL. 2 *** + + + + +Produced by Mary Munarin and David Widger + + + + +[NOTE: There is a short list of bookmarks, or pointers, at the end of the +file for those who may wish to sample the author's ideas before making an +entire meal of them. D.W.] + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, Volume 2 + +[By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)] + + +Dublin + +MDCCCXXXIX. + + + +Volume 2. (Chapters XI. to XVII.) + + +Contents: + +CHAPTER XI +Cheltenham--Matrimonial Adventure--Showing how to make love for a friend + +CHAPTER XII +Dublin--Tom O'Flaherty--A Reminiscence of the Peninsula + +CHAPTER XIII +Dublin--The Boarding-house--Select Society + +CHAPTER XIV +The Chase + +CHAPTER XV +Mems Of the North Cork + +CHAPTER XVI +Theatricals + +CHAPTER XVI* (As here the chapter number is repeated in the print copy.) +The Wager + +CHAPTER XVII +The Elopement + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +CHELTENHAM--MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURE--SHOWING HOW TO MAKE LOVE FOR A FRIEND. + +It was a cold raw evening in February as I sat in the coffee-room of the +Old Plough in Cheltenham, "Lucullus c. Lucullo"--no companion save my +half-finished decanter of port. I had drawn my chair to the corner of +the ample fire-place, and in a half dreamy state was reviewing the +incidents of my early life, and like most men who, however young, have +still to lament talents misapplied, opportunities neglected, profitless +labour, and disastrous idleness. The dreary aspect of the large and +ill-lighted room--the close-curtained boxes--the unsocial look of every +thing and body about suited the habit of my soul, and I was on the verge +of becoming excessively sentimental--the unbroken silence, where several +people were present, had also its effect upon me, and I felt oppressed +and dejected. So sat I for an hour; the clock over the mantel ticked +sharply on--the old man in the brown surtout had turned in his chair, +and now snored louder--the gentleman who read the Times had got the +Chronicle, and I thought I saw him nodding over the advertisements. +The father who, with a raw son of about nineteen, had dined at six, +sat still and motionless opposite his offspring, and only breaking the +silence around by the grating of the decanter as he posted it across the +table. The only thing denoting active existence was a little, shrivelled +man, who, with spectacles on his forehead, and hotel slippers on his +feet, rapidly walked up and down, occasionally stopping at his table to +sip a little weak-looking negus, which was his moderate potation for two +hours. I have been particular in chronicling these few and apparently +trivial circumstances, for by what mere trifles are our greatest and +most important movements induced--had the near wheeler of the Umpire +been only safe on his fore legs, and while I write this I might--but let +me continue. The gloom and melancholy which beset me, momentarily +increased. But three months before, and my prospects presented every +thing that was fairest and brightest--now all the future was dark and +dismal. Then my best friends could scarcely avoid envy at my fortune +--now my reverses might almost excite compassion even in an enemy. It +was singular enough, and I should not like to acknowledge it, were not +these Confessions in their very nature intended to disclose the very +penetralia of my heart; but singular it certainly was--and so I have +always felt it since, when reflecting on it--that although much and +warmly attached to Lady Jane Callonby, and feeling most acutely what I +must call her abandonment of me, yet, the most constantly recurring idea +of my mind on the subject was, what will the mess say--what will they +think at head-quarters?--the raillery, the jesting, the half-concealed +allusion, the tone of assumed compassion, which all awaited me, as each +of my comrades took up his line of behaving towards me, was, after all, +the most difficult thing to be borne, and I absolutely dreaded to join +my regiment, more thoroughly than did ever schoolboy to return to his +labour on the expiration of his holidays. I had framed to myself all +manner of ways of avoiding this dread event; sometimes I meditated an +exchange into an African corps--sometimes to leave the army altogether. +However, I turned the affair over in my mind--innumerable difficulties +presented themselves, and I was at last reduced to that stand-still +point, in which, after continual vacillation, one only waits for the +slightest impulse of persuasion from another, to adopt any, no matter +what suggestion. In this enviable frame of mind I sat sipping my wine, +and watching the clock for that hour at which, with a safe conscience, I +might retire to my bed, when the waiter roused me by demanding if my +name was Mr. Lorrequer, for that a gentleman having seen my card in the +bar, had been making inquiry for the owner of it all through the hotel. + +"Yes," said I, "such is my name; but I am not acquainted with any one +here, that I can remember." + +"The gentleman has ony arrived an hour since by the London mail, sir, and +here he is." + +At this moment, a tall, dashing-looking, half-swaggering fellow, in a +very sufficient envelope of box-coats, entered the coffee-room, and +unwinding a shawl from his throat, showed me the honest and manly +countenance of my friend Jack Waller, of the __th dragoons, with whom I +had served in the Peninsula. + +Five minutes sufficed for Jack to tell me that he was come down on a bold +speculation at this unseasonable time for Cheltenham; that he was quite +sure his fortune was about to be made in a few weeks at farthest, and +what seemed nearly as engrossing a topic--that he was perfectly famished, +and desired a hot supper, "de suite." + +Jack having despatched this agreeable meal with a traveller's appetite, +proceeded to unfold his plans to me as follows: + +There resided somewhere near Cheltenham, in what direction he did not +absolutely know, an old East India colonel, who had returned from a long +career of successful staff-duties and government contracts, with the +moderate fortune of two hundred thousand. He possessed, in addition, a +son and a daughter; the former, being a rake and a gambler, he had long +since consigned to his own devices, and to the latter he had avowed his +intention of leaving all his wealth. That she was beautiful as an angel +--highly accomplished--gifted--agreeable--and all that, Jack, who had +never seen her, was firmly convinced; that she was also bent resolutely +on marrying him, or any other gentleman whose claims were principally the +want of money, he was quite ready to swear to; and, in fact, so assured +did he feel that "the whole affair was feasible," (I use his own +expression,) that he had managed a two months' leave, and was come down +express to see, make love to, and carry her off at once. + +"But," said I, with difficulty interrupting him, "how long have you known +her father?" + +"Known him? I never saw him." + +"Well, that certainly is cool; and how do you propose making his +acquaintance. Do you intend to make him a 'particeps criminis' in the +elopement of his own daughter, for a consideration to be hereafter paid +out of his own money?" + +"Now, Harry, you've touched upon the point in which, you must confess, +my genius always stood unrivalled--acknowledge, if you are not dead to +gratitude--acknowledge how often should you have gone supperless to bed +in our bivouacs in the Peninsula, had it not been for the ingenuity of +your humble servant--avow, that if mutton was to be had, and beef to be +purloined, within a circuit of twenty miles round, our mess certainly +kept no fast days. I need not remind you of the cold morning on the +retreat from Burgos, when the inexorable Lake brought five men to the +halberds for stealing turkeys, that at the same moment, I was engaged in +devising an ox-tail soup, from a heifer brought to our tent in jack-boots +the evening before, to escape detection by her foot tracks." + +"True, Jack, I never questioned your Spartan talent; but this affair, +time considered, does appear rather difficult." + +"And if it were not, should I have ever engaged in it? No, no, Harry. I +put all proper value upon the pretty girl, with her two hundred thousand +pounds pin-money. But I honestly own to you, the intrigue, the scheme, +has as great charm for me as any part of the transaction." + +"Well, Jack, now for the plan, then!" + +"The plan! oh, the plan. Why, I have several; but since I have seen you, +and talked the matter over with you, I have begun to think of a new mode +of opening the trenches." + +"Why, I don't see how I can possibly have admitted a single new ray of +light upon the affair." + +"There are you quite wrong. Just hear me out without interruption, and +I'll explain. I'll first discover the locale of this worthy colonel +--'Hydrabad Cottage' he calls it; good, eh?--then I shall proceed to +make a tour of the immediate vicinity, and either be taken dangerously +ill in his grounds, within ten yards of the hall-door, or be thrown from +my gig at the gate of his avenue, and fracture my skull; I don't much +care which. Well, then, as I learn that the old gentleman is the most +kind, hospitable fellow in the world, he'll admit me at once; his +daughter will tend my sick couch--nurse--read to me; glorious fun, +Harry. I'll make fierce love to her; and now, the only point to be +decided is whether, having partaken of the colonel's hospitality so +freely, I ought to carry her off, or marry her with papa's consent. +You see there is much to be said for either line of proceeding." + +"I certainly agree with you there; but since you seem to see your way so +clearly up to that point, why, I should advise you leaving that an 'open +question,' as the ministers say, when they are hard pressed for an +opinion." + +"Well, Harry, I consent; it shall remain so. Now for your part, for I +have not come to that." + +"Mine," said I, in amazement; "why how can I possibly have any character +assigned to me in the drama?" + +"I'll tell you, Harry, you shall come with me in the gig in the capacity +of my valet." + +"Your what?" said I, horror-struck at his impudence. + +"Come, no nonsense, Harry, you'll have a glorious time of it--shall +choose as becoming a livery as you like--and you'll have the whole female +world below stairs dying for you; and all I ask for such an opportunity +vouchsafed to you is to puff me, your master, in every possible shape and +form, and represent me as the finest and most liberal fellow in the +world, rolling in wealth, and only striving to get rid of it." + +The unparalleled effrontery of Master Jack, in assigning to me such an +office, absolutely left me unable to reply to him; while he continued to +expatiate upon the great field for exertion thus open to us both. At +last it occurred to me to benefit by an anecdote of a something similar +arrangement, of capturing, not a young lady, but a fortified town, by +retorting Jack's proposition. + +"Come," said I, "I agree, with one only difference--I'll be the master +and you the man on this occasion." + +To my utter confusion, and without a second's consideration, Waller +grasped my hand, and cried, "done." Of course I laughed heartily at the +utter absurdity of the whole scheme, and rallied my friend on his +prospects of Botany Bay for such an exploit; never contemplating in the +most remote degree the commission of such extravagance. + +Upon this Jack, to use the expressive French phrase, "pris la parole," +touching with a master-like delicacy on my late defeat among the +Callonbys, (which up to this instant I believed him in ignorance of;) +he expatiated upon the prospect of my repairing that misfortune, and +obtaining a fortune considerably larger; he cautiously abstained from +mentioning the personal charms of the young lady, supposing, from my +lachrymose look, that my heart had not yet recovered the shock of Lady +Jane's perfidy, and rather preferred to dwell upon the escape such a +marriage could open to me from the mockery of the mess-table, the jesting +of my brother officers, and the life-long raillery of the service, +wherever the story reached. + +The fatal facility of my disposition, so often and so frankly chronicled +in these Confessions--the openness to be led whither any one might take +the trouble to conduct me--the easy indifference to assume any character +which might be pressed upon me, by chance, accident, or design, assisted +by my share of three flasks of champagne, induced me first to listen +--then to attend to--soon after to suggest--and finally, absolutely to +concur in and agree to a proposal, which, at any other moment, I must +have regarded as downright insanity. As the clock struck two, I had just +affixed my name to an agreement, for Jack Waller had so much of method in +his madness, that, fearful of my retracting in the morning, he had +committed the whole to writing, which, as a specimen of Jack's legal +talents I copy from the original document now in my posession. + + "The Plough, Cheltenham, Tuesday night or morning, two o'clock--be + the same more or less. I, Harry Lorrequer, sub. in his Majesty's + __th regiment of foot, on the one part; and I, John Waller, commonly + called Jack Waller, of the __th light dragoons on the other; hereby + promise and agree, each for himself, and not one for the other, to + the following conditions, which are hereafter subjoined, to wit, the + aforesaid Jack Waller is to serve, obey, and humbly follow the + aforementioned Harry Lorrequer, for the space of one month of four + weeks; conducting himself in all respects, modes, ways, manners, as + his, the aforesaid Lorrequer's own man, skip, valet, or saucepan + --duly praising, puffing, and lauding the aforesaid Lorrequer, and in + every way facilitating his success to the hand and fortune of--" + +"Shall we put in her name, Harry, here?" said Jack. + +"I think not; we'll fill it up in pencil; that looks very knowing." + + "--at the end of which period, if successful in his suit, the + aforesaid Harry Lorrequer is to render to the aforesaid Waller the + sum of ten thousand pounds three and a half per cent. with a + faithful discharge in writing for his services, as may be. If, on + the other hand, and which heaven forbid, the aforesaid Lorrequer + fail in obtaining the hand of _____, that he will evacuate the + territory within twelve hours, and repairing to a convenient spot + selected by the aforesaid Waller, then and there duly invest himself + with a livery chosen by the aforesaid Waller--" + +"You know, each man uses his choice in this particular," said Jack. + + "--and for the space of four calendar weeks, be unto the aforesaid + Waller, as his skip, or valet, receiving, in the event of success, + the like compensation, as aforesaid, each promising strictly to + maintain the terms of this agreement, and binding, by a solemn + pledge, to divest himself of every right appertaining to his former + condition, for the space of time there mentioned." + +We signed and sealed it formally, and finished another flask to its +perfect ratification. This done, and after a hearty shake hands, we +parted and retired for the night. + +The first thing I saw on waking the following morning was Jack Waller +standing beside my bed, evidently in excellent spirits with himself and +all the world. + +"Harry, my boy, I have done it gloriously," said he. "I only remembered +on parting with you last night, that one of the most marked features in +our old colonel's character is a certain vague idea, he has somewhere +picked up, that he has been at some very remote period of his history a +most distinguished officer. This notion, it appears, haunts his mind, +and he absolutely believes he has been in every engagement from the seven +years war, down to the Battle of Waterloo. You cannot mention a siege he +did not lay down the first parallel for, nor a storming party where he +did not lead the forlorn hope; and there is not a regiment in the +service, from those that formed the fighting brigade of Picton, down to +the London trainbands, with which, to use his own phrase, he has not +fought and bled. This mania of heroism is droll enough, when one +considers that the sphere of his action was necessarily so limited; but +yet we have every reason to be thankful for the peculiarity, as you'll +say, when I inform you that this morning I despatched a hasty messenger +to his villa, with a most polite note, setting forth that a Mr. +Lorrequer--ay, Harry, all above board--there is nothing like it--'as Mr. +Lorrequer, of the __th, was collecting for publication, such materials as +might serve to commemorate the distinguished achievements of British +officers, who have, at any time, been in command--he most respectfully +requests an interview with Colonel Kamworth, whose distinguished +services, on many gallant occasions, have called forth the unqualified +approval of his majesty's government. Mr. Lorrequer's stay is +necessarily limited to a few days, as he proceeds from this to visit Lord +Anglesey; and, therefore, would humbly suggest as early a meeting as may +suit Colonel K.'s convenience.' What think you now? Is this a +master-stroke or not?" + +"Why, certainly, we are in for it now," said I, drawing a deep sigh. +"But Jack, what is all this? Why, you're in livery already." + +I now, for the first time, perceived that Waller was arrayed in a very +decorous suit of dark grey, with cord shorts and boots, and looked a very +knowing style of servant for the side of a tilbury. + +"You like it, don't you? Well, I should have preferred something a +little more showy myself; but as you chose this last night, I, of course, +gave way, and after all, I believe you're right, it certainly is neat." + +"Did I choose it last night? I have not the slightest recollection of +it." + +"Yes, you were most particular about the length of the waistcoat, and the +height of the cockade, and you see I have followed your orders tolerably +close; and now, adieu to sweet equality for the season, and I am your +most obedient servant for four weeks--see that you make the most of it." + +While we were talking, the waiter entered with a note addressed to me, +which I rightly conjectured could only come from Colonel Kamworth. It +ran thus-- + + "Colonel Kamworth feels highly flattered by the polite attention of + Mr. Lorrequer, and will esteem it a particular favour if Mr. L. can + afford him the few days his stay in this part of the country will + permit, by spending them at Hydrabad Cottage. Any information as to + Colonel Kamworth's services in the four quarters of the globe, he + need not say, is entirely at Mr. L.'s disposal. + + "Colonel K. dines at six precisely." + +When Waller had read the note through, he tossed his hat up in the air, +and, with something little sort of an Indian whoop, shouted out-- + +"The game is won already. Harry, my man, give me the check for the ten +thousand: she is your own this minute." + +Without participating entirely in Waller's exceeding delight, I could not +help feeling a growing interest in the part I was advertised to perform, +and began my rehearsal with more spirit than I thought I should have been +able to command. + +That same evening, at the same hour as that in which on the preceding I +sat lone and comfortless by the coffee-room fire, I was seated opposite a +very pompous, respectable-looking old man, with a large, stiff queue of +white hair, who pressed me repeatedly to fill my glass and pass the +decanter. The room was a small library, with handsomely fitted shelves; +there were but four chairs, but each would have made at least three of +any modern one; the curtains of deep crimson cloth effectually secured +the room from draught; and the cheerful wood fire blazing on the hearth, +which was the only light in the apartment, gave a most inviting look of +comfort and snugness to every thing. This, thought I, is all excellent; +and however the adventure ends, this is certainly pleasant, and I never +tasted better Madeira. + +"And so, Mr. Lorrequer, you heard of my affair at Cantantrabad, when I +took the Rajah prisoner?" + +"Yes," said I; "the governor-general mentioned the gallant business the +very last time I dined at Government-House." + +"Ah, did he? kind of him though. Well, sir, I received two millions of +rupees on the morning after, and a promise of ten more if I would permit +him to escape--but no--I refused flatly." + +"Is it possible; and what did you do with the two millions?--sent them, +of course--." + +"No, that I didn't; the wretches know nothing of the use of money. No, +no; I have them this moment in good government security. + +"I believe I never mentioned to you the storming of Java. Fill yourself +another glass, and I'll describe it all to you, for it will be of +infinite consequence that a true narrative of this meets the public eye +--they really are quire ignorant of it. Here now is Fort Cornelius, and +there is the moat, the sugar-basin is the citadel, and the tongs is the +first trench, the decanter will represent the tall tower towards the +south-west angle, and here, the wine glass--this is me. Well, it was a +little after ten at night that I got the order from the general in +command to march upon this plate of figs, which was an open space before +Fort Cornelius, and to take up my position in front of the fort, and with +four pieces of field artillery--these walnuts here--to be ready to open +my fire at a moment's warning upon the sou-west tower; but, my dear sir, +you have moved the tower; I thought you were drinking Madeira. As I said +before, to open my fire upon the sou-west tower, or if necessary protect +the sugar tongs, which I explained to you was the trench. Just at the +same time the besieged were making preparations for a sortie to occupy +this dish of almonds and raisins--the high ground to the left of my +position--put another log on the fire, if you please, sir, for I cannot +see myself--I thought I was up near the figs, and I find myself down near +the half moon." + +"It is past nine," said a servant entering the room; "shall I take the +carriage for Miss Kamworth, sir?" This being the first time the name of +the young lady was mentioned since my arrival, I felt somewhat anxious to +hear more of her, in which laudable desire I was not however to be +gratified, for the colonel, feeling considerably annoyed by the +interruption, dismissed the servant by saying-- + +"What do you mean, sirrah, by coming in at this moment; don't you see I +am preparing for the attack on the half moon? Mr. Lorrequer, I beg your +pardon for one moment, this fellow has completely put me out; and +besides, I perceive, you have eaten the flying artillery, and in fact, my +dear sir, I shall be obliged to lay down the position again." + +With this praiseworthy interest the colonel proceeded to arrange the +"materiel" of our dessert in battle array, when the door was suddenly +thrown open, and a very handsome girl, in a most becoming demi toilette, +sprung into the room, and either not noticing, or not caring, that a +stranger was present, threw herself into the old gentleman's arms, with a +degree of empressement, exceedingly vexatious for any third and +unoccupied party to witness. + +"Mary, my dear," said the colonel, completely forgetting Java and Fort +Cornelius at once, "you don't perceive I have a gentleman to introduce to +you, Mr. Lorrequer, my daughter, Miss Kamworth," here the young lady +courtesied somewhat stiffly, and I bowed reverently; and we all resumed +places. I now found out that Miss Kamworth had been spending the +preceding four or five days at a friend's in the neighbourhood; and had +preferred coming home somewhat unexpectedly, to waiting for her own +carriage. + +My confessions, if recorded verbatim, from the notes of that four weeks' +sojourn, would only increase the already too prolix and uninteresting +details of this chapter in my life; I need only say, that without falling +in love with Mary Kamworth, I felt prodigiously disposed thereto; she was +extremely pretty; had a foot and ancle to swear by, the most silvery +toned voice I almost ever heard, and a certain witchery and archness of +manner that by its very tantalizing uncertainty continually provoked +attention, and by suggesting a difficulty in the road to success, +imparted a more than common zest in the pursuit. She was little, a very +little blue, rather a dabbler in the "ologies," than a real disciple. +Yet she made collections of minerals, and brown beetles, and +cryptogamias, and various other homeopathic doses of the creation, +infinitessimally small in their subdivision; in none of which I felt any +interest, save in the excuse they gave for accompanying her in her +pony-phaeton. This was, however, a rare pleasure, for every morning for +at least three or four hours I was obliged to sit opposite the colonel, +engaged in the compilation of that narrative of his "res gestae," which +was to eclipse the career of Napoleon and leave Wellington's laurels but +a very faded lustre in comparison. In this agreeable occupation did I +pass the greater part of my day, listening to the insufferable prolixity +of the most prolix of colonels, and at times, notwithstanding the +propinquity of relationship which awaited us, almost regretting that he +was not blown up in any of the numerous explosions his memoir abounded +with. I may here mention, that while my literary labour was thus +progressing, the young lady continued her avocations as before--not +indeed with me for her companion--but Waller; for Colonel Kamworth, +"having remarked the steadiness and propriety of my man, felt no scruple +in sending him out to drive Miss Kamworth," particularly as I gave him a +most excellent character for every virtue under heaven. + +I must hasten on.--The last evening of my four weeks was drawing to a +close. Colonel Kamworth had pressed me to prolong my visit, and I only +waited for Waller's return from Cheltenham, whither I had sent him for my +letters, to make arrangements with him to absolve me from my ridiculous +bond, and accept the invitation. We were sitting round the library fire, +the colonel, as usual, narrating his early deeds and hair-breadth +'scapes. Mary, embroidering an indescribable something, which every +evening made its appearance but seemed never to advance, was rather in +better spirits than usual, at the same time her manner was nervous and +uncertain; and I could perceive by her frequent absence of mind, that her +thoughts were not as much occupied by the siege of Java as her worthy +father believed them. Without laying any stress upon the circumstance, +I must yet avow that Waller's not having returned from Cheltenham gave me +some uneasiness, and I more than once had recourse to the bell to demand +if "my servant had come back yet?" At each of these times I well +remember the peculiar expression of Mary's look, the half embarrassment, +half drollery, with which she listened to the question, and heard the +answer in the negative. Supper at length made its appearance; and I +asked the servant who waited, "if my man had brought me any letters," +varying my inquiry to conceal my anxiety; and again, I heard he had not +returned. Resolving now to propose in all form for Miss Kamworth the +next morning, and by referring the colonel to my uncle Sir Guy, smooth, +as far as I could, all difficulties, I wished them good night and +retired; not, however, before the colonel had warned me that they were to +have an excursion to some place in the neighbourhood the next day; and +begging that I might be in the breakfast-room at nine, as they were to +assemble there from all parts, and start early on the expedition. I was +in a sound sleep the following morning, when a gentle tap at the door +awoke me; at the same time I recognised the voice of the colonel's +servant, saying, "Mr. Lorrequer, breakfast is waiting, sir." + +I sprung up at once, and replying, "Very well, I shall come down," +proceeded to dress in all haste, but to my horror, I could not discern a +vestige of my clothes; nothing remained of the habiliments I possessed +only the day before--even my portmanteau had disappeared. After a most +diligent search, I discovered on a chair in a corner of the room, a small +bundle tied up in a handkerchief, on opening which I perceived a new suit +of livery of the most gaudy and showy description and lace; of which +colour was also the coat, which had a standing collar and huge cuffs, +deeply ornamented with worked button holes and large buttons. As I +turned the things over, without even a guess of what they could mean, for +I was scarcely well awake, I perceived a small slip of paper fastened to +the coat sleeve, upon which, in Waller's hand-writing, the following few +words were written: + + "The livery I hope will fit you, as I am rather particular about how + you'll look; get quietly down to the stable-yard and drive the + tilbury into Cheltenham, where wait for further orders from your + kind master, + + "John Waller." + +The horrible villany of this wild scamp actually paralysed me. That I +should put on such ridiculous trumpery was out of the question; yet what +was to be done? I rung the bell violently; "Where are my clothes, +Thomas?" + +"Don't know, sir; I was out all the morning, sir, and never seed them." + +"There, Thomas, be smart now and send them up, will you?" Thomas +disappeared, and speedily returned to say, "that my clothes could not be +found any where; no one knew any thing of them, and begged me to come +down, as Miss Kamworth desired him to say that they were still waiting, +and she begged Mr. Lorrequer would not make an elaborate toilette, as +they were going on a country excursion." An elaborate toilette! I wish +to heaven she saw my costume; no, I'll never do it. "Thomas, you must +tell the ladies and the colonel, too, that I feel very ill; I am not able +to leave my bed; I am subject to attacks--very violent attacks in my +head, and must always be left quiet and alone--perfectly alone--mind me, +Thomas--for a day at least." Thomas departed; and as I lay distracted in +my bed, I heard, from the breakfast room, the loud laughter of many +persons evidently enjoying some excellent joke; could it be me they were +laughing at; the thought was horrible. + +"Colonel Kamworth wishes to know if you'd like the doctor, sir," said +Thomas, evidently suppressing a most inveterate fit of laughing, as he +again appeared at the door. + +"No, certainly not," said I, in a voice of thunder; "what the devil are +you grinning at?" + +"You may as well come, my man; you're found out; they all know it now," +said the fellow with an odious grin. + +I jumped out of the bed, and hurled the boot-jack at him with all my +strength; but had only the satisfaction to hear him go down stairs +chuckling at his escape; and as he reached the parlour, the increase of +mirth and the loudness of the laughter told me that he was not the only +one who was merry at my expense. Any thing was preferable to this; down +stairs I resolved to go at once--but how; a blanket I thought would not +be a bad thing, and particularly as I had said I was ill; I could at +least get as far as Colonel Kamworth's dressing-room, and explain to him +the whole affair; but then if I was detected en route, which I was almost +sure to be, with so many people parading about the house. No; that would +never do, there was but one alternative, and dreadful, shocking as it +was, I could not avoid it, and with a heavy heart, and as much +indignation at Waller for what I could not but consider a most scurvy +trick, I donned the yellow inexpressibles; next came the vest, and last +the coat, with its broad flaps and lace excrescenses, fifty times more +absurd and merry-andrew than any stage servant who makes off with his +table and two chairs amid the hisses and gibes of an upper gallery. + +If my costume leaned towards the ridiculous, I resolved that my air and +bearing should be more than usually austere and haughty; and with +something of the stride of John Kemble in Coriolanus, I was leaving my +bed-room, when I accidentally caught a view of myself in the glass; and +so mortified, so shocked was I, that I sank into a chair, and almost +abandoned my resolution to go on; the very gesture I had assumed for +vindication only increased the ridicule of my appearance; and the strange +quaintness of the costume totally obliterated every trace of any +characteristic of the wearer, so infernally cunning was its contrivance. +I don't think that the most saturnine martyr of gout and dyspepsia could +survey me without laughing. With a bold effort, I flung open my door, +hurried down the stairs, and reached the hall. The first person I met +was a kind of pantry boy, a beast only lately emancipated from the +plough, and destined after a dozen years' training as a servant, again to +be turned back to his old employ for incapacity; he grinned horribly for +a minute, as I passed, and then in a half whisper said-- + +"Maester, I advise ye run for it; they're a waiting for ye with the +constables in the justice's room!" I gave him a look of contemptuous +superiority at which he grinned the more, and passed on. + +Without stopping to consider where I was going, I opened the door of the +breakfast-parlour, and found myself in one plunge among a room full of +people. My first impulse was to retreat again; but so shocked was I, at +the very first thing that met my sight, that I was perfectly powerless to +do any thing. Among a considerable number of people who stood in small +groups round the breakfast-table, I discerned Jack Waller, habited in a +very accurate black frock and dark trowsers, supporting upon his arm +--shall I confess--no less a person than Mary Kamworth, who leaned on him +with the familiarity of an old acquaintance, and chatted gaily with him. +The buzz of conversation which filled the apartment when I entered, +ceased for a second of deep silence; and then followed a peal of laughter +so long and so vociferous, that in my momentary anger I prayed some one +might burst a blood-vessel, and frighten the rest. I put on a look of +indescribable indignation, and cast a glance of what I intended should be +most withering scorn on the assembly; but alas! my infernal harlequin +costume ruined the effect; and confound me, if they did not laugh the +louder. I turned from one to the other with the air of a man who marks +out victims for his future wrath; but with no better success; at last, +amid the continued mirth of the party, I made my way towards where Waller +stood absolutely suffocated with laughter, and scarcely able to stand +without support. + +"Waller," said I, in a voice half tremulous with rage and shame together; +"Waller, if this rascally trick be yours, rest assured no former term of +intimacy between us shall--" + +Before I could conclude the sentence, a bustle at the door of the room, +called every attention in that direction; I turned and beheld Colonel +Kamworth, followed by a strong posse comitatus of constables, tipstaffs, +&c., armed to the teeth, and evidently prepared for vigorous battle. +Before I was able to point out my woes to my kind host, he burst out +with-- + +"So you scoundrel, you impostor, you damned young villain, pretending to +be a gentleman, you get admission into a man's house and dine at his +table, when your proper place had been behind his chair.--How far he +might have gone, heaven can tell, if that excellent young gentleman, his +master, had not traced him here this morning--but you'll pay dearly for +it, you young rascal, that you shall." + +"Colonel Kamworth," said I, drawing myself proudly up, (and I confess +exciting new bursts of laughter,) "Colonel Kamworth, for the expressions +you have just applied to me, a heavy reckoning awaits you; not, however, +before another individual now present shall atone for the insult he has +dared to pass upon me." Colonel Kamworth's passion at this declaration +knew no bounds; he cursed and swore absolutely like a madman, and vowed +that transportation for life would be a mild sentence for such iniquity. + +Waller at length wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes, interposed +between the colonel and his victim, and begged that I might be forgiven; +"for indeed my dear sir," said he, "the poor fellow is of rather +respectable parentage, and such is his taste for good society that he'd +run any risk to be among his betters, although, as in the present case +the exposure brings a rather heavy retribution, however, let me deal with +him. Come, Henry," said he, with an air of insufferable superiority, +"take my tilbury into town, and wait for me at the George, I shall +endeavour to make your peace with my excellent friend, Colonel Kamworth; +and the best mode you can contribute to that object, is to let us have no +more of your society." + +I cannot attempt to picture my rage at these words; however, escape from +this diabolical predicament was my only present object; and I rushed from +the room, and springing into the tilbury at the door, drove down the +avenue at the rate of fifteen miles per hour, amid the united cheers, +groans, and yells of the whole servants' hall, who seemed to enjoy my +"detection," even more than their betters. Meditating vengeance, sharp, +short, and decisive on Waller, the colonel, and every one else in the +infernal conspiracy against me, for I utterly forgot every vestige of our +agreement in the surprise by which I was taken, I reached Cheltenham. +Unfortunately I had no friend there to whose management I could commit +the bearing of a message, and was obliged as soon as I could procure +suitable costume, to hasten up to Coventry where the __th dragoons were +then quartered. I lost no time in selecting an adviser, and taking the +necessary steps to bring Master Waller to a reckoning; and on the third +morning we again reached Cheltenham, I thirsting for vengeance, and +bursting still with anger; not so, my friend, however, who never could +discuss the affair with common gravity, and even ventured every now and +then on a sly allusion to my yellow shorts. As we passed the last +toll-bar, a travelling carriage came whirling by with four horses at a +tremendous pace; and as the morning was frosty, and the sun scarcely +risen, the whole team were smoking and steaming so as to be half +invisible. We both remarked on the precipitancy of the party; for as our +own pace was considerable, the two vehicles passed like lightning. We +had scarcely dressed, and ordered breakfast, when a more than usual +bustle in the yard called us to the window; the waiter who came in at the +same instant told us that four horses were ordered out to pursue a young +lady who had eloped that morning with an officer. + +"Ah, our friend in the green travelling chariot, I'll be bound," said my +companion; but as neither of us knew that part of the country, and I was +too engrossed by my own thoughts, I never inquired further. As the +chaise in chase drove round to the door, I looked to see what the pursuer +was like; and as he issued from the inn, recognised my "ci devant host," +Colonel Kamworth. I need not say my vengeance was sated at once; he had +lost his daughter, and Waller was on the road to be married. Apologies +and explanations came in due time, for all my injuuries and sufferings; +and I confess, the part which pleased me most was, that I saw no more of +Jack for a considerable period after; he started for the continent, +where he has lived ever since on a small allowance, granted by his +father-in-law, and never paying me the stipulated sum, as I had clearly +broken the compact. + +So much for my second attempt at matrimony; one would suppose that such +experience should be deemed sufficient to show that my talent did not lie +in that way. And here I must rest for the present, with the additional +confession, that so strong was the memory of that vile adventure, that I +refused a lucrative appointment under Lord Anglesey's government, when I +discovered that his livery included "yellow plush breeches;" to have such +"souvenirs" flitting around and about me, at dinner and elsewhere, would +have left me without a pleasure in existence. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +DUBLIN--TOM O'FLAHERTY--A REMINISCENCE OF THE PENINSULA. + +Dear, dirty Dublin--"Io te salute"--how many excellent things might be +said of thee, if, unfortunately, it did not happen that the theme is an +old one, and has been much better sung than it can ever now be said. +With thus much of apology for no more lengthened panegyric, let me beg of +my reader, if he be conversant with that most moving melody--the Groves +of Blarney--to hum the following lines, which I heard shortly after my +landing, and which well express my own feelings for the "loved spot." + + Oh! Dublin, sure, there is no doubtin', + Beats every city upon the say. + 'Tis there you'll see O'Connell spouting, + And Lady Morgan making "tay." + For 'tis the capital of the greatest nation + With finest peasantry on a fruitful sod, + Fighting like devils for conciliation, + And hating each other for the love of God. + +Once more, then, I found myself in the "most car-drivingest city," en +route to join on the expiration of my leave. Since my departure, my +regiment had been ordered to Kilkenny, that sweet city, so famed in song +for its "fire without smoke;" but which, were its character in any way to +be derived from its past or present representative, might certainly, with +more propriety, reverse the epithet, and read "smoke without fire." My +last communication from head-quarters was full of nothing but gay doings +--balls, dinners, dejeunes, and more than all, private theatricals, +seemed to occupy the entire attention of every man of the gallant __th. +I was earnestly entreated to come, without waiting for the end of my +leave--that several of my old "parts were kept open for me;" and that, in +fact, the "boys of Kilkenny" were on tip-toe in expectation of my +arrival, as though his Majesty's mail were to convey a Kean or a Kemble. +I shuddered a little as I read this, and recollected "my last appearance +on any stage," little anticipating, at the moment, that my next was to be +nearly as productive of the ludicrous, as time and my confessions will +show. One circumstance, however, gave me considerable pleasure. It was +this:--I took it for granted that, in the varied and agreeable +occupations which so pleasurable a career opened, my adventures in love +would escape notice, and that I should avoid the merciless raillery my +two failures, in six months, might reasonably be supposed to call forth. +I therefore wrote a hurried note to Curzon, setting forth the great +interest all their proceedings had for me, and assuring him that my stay +in town should be as short as possible, for that I longed once more to +"strut the monarch of the boards," and concluded with a sly paragraph, +artfully intended to act as a "paratonnere" to the gibes and jests which +I dreaded, by endeavouring to make light of my matrimonial speculations. +The postscript ran somewhat thus--"Glorious fun have I had since we met; +but were it not that my good angel stood by me, I should write these +hurried lines with a wife at my elbow; but luck, that never yet deserted, +is still faithful to your old friend, H. Lorrequer." + +My reader may suppose--for he is sufficiently behind the scenes with me +--with what feelings I penned these words; yet any thing was better than +the attack I looked forward to: and I should rather have changed into the +Cape Rifle Corps, or any other army of martyrs, than meet my mess with +all the ridicule my late proceedings exposed me to. Having disburthened +my conscience of this dread, I finished my breakfast, and set out on a +stroll through the town. + +I believe it is Coleridge who somewhere says, that to transmit the first +bright and early impressions of our youth, fresh and uninjured to a +remote period of life, constitutes one of the loftiest prerogatives of +genius. If this be true, and I am not disposed to dispute it--what a +gifted people must be the worthy inhabitants of Dublin; for I scruple not +to affirm, that of all cities of which we have any record in history, +sacred or profane, there is not one so little likely to disturb the +tranquil current of such reminiscences. "As it was of old, so is it +now," enjoying a delightful permanency in all its habits and customs, +which no changes elsewhere disturb or affect; and in this respect I defy +O'Connell and all the tail to refuse it the epithet of "Conservative." + +Had the excellent Rip Van Winkle, instead of seeking his repose upon the +cold and barren acclivities of the Kaatskills--as we are veritably +informed by Irving--but betaken himself to a comfortable bed at +Morrison's or the Bilton, not only would he have enjoyed a more agreeable +siesta, but, what the event showed of more consequence, the pleasing +satisfaction of not being disconcerted by novelty on his awakening. It +is possible that the waiter who brought him the water to shave, for Rip's +beard, we are told, had grown uncommonly long--might exhibit a little of +that wear and tear to which humanity is liable from time; but had he +questioned him as to the ruling topics--the proper amusements of the day +--he would have heard, as he might have done twenty years before, that +there was a meeting to convert Jews at the Rotunda; another to rob +parsons at the Corn Exchange; that the Viceroy was dining with the +Corporation, and congratulating them on the prosperity of Ireland, while +the inhabitants were regaled with a procession of the "broad ribbon +weavers," who had not weaved, heaven knows when! This, with an +occasional letter from Mr. O'Connell, and now and then a duel in the +"Phaynix," constituted the current pastimes of the city. Such, at least, +were they in my day; and though far from the dear locale, an odd flitting +glance at the newspapers induces me to believe that matters are not much +changed since. + +I rambled through the streets for some hours, revolving such thoughts as +pressed upon me involuntarily by all I saw. The same little grey +homunculus that filled my "prince's mixture" years before, stood behind +the counter at Lundy Foot's, weighing out rappee and high toast, just as +I last saw him. The fat college porter, that I used to mistake in my +school-boy days for the Provost, God forgive me! was there as fat and as +ruddy as heretofore, and wore his Roman costume of helmet and plush +breeches, with an air as classic. The old state trumpeter at the castle, +another object of my youthful veneration, poor "old God save the King" as +we used to call him, walked the streets as of old; his cheeks indeed, a +little more lanky and tendinous; but then there had been many viceregal +changes, and the "one sole melody his heart delighted in," had been more +frequently called in requisition, as he marched in solemn state with the +other antique gentlemen in tabards. As I walked along, each moment some +old and early association being suggested by the objects around, I felt +my arm suddenly seized. I turned hastily round, and beheld a very old +companion in many a hard-fought field and merry bivouack. Tom O'Flaherty +of the 8th. Poor Tom was sadly changed since we last met, which was at +a ball in Madrid. He was then one of the best-looking fellows of his +"style" I ever met,--tall and athletic, with the easy bearing of a man of +the world, and a certain jauntiness that I have never seen but in +Irishmen who have mixed much in society. + +There was also a certain peculiar devil-may-care recklessness about the +self-satisfied swagger of his gait, and the free and easy glance of his +sharp black eye, united with a temper that nothing could ruffle, and a +courage nothing could daunt. With such qualities as these, he had been +the prime favourite of his mess, to which he never came without some +droll story to relate, or some choice expedient for future amusement. +Such had Tom once been; now he was much altered, and though the quiet +twinkle of his dark eye showed that the spirit of fun within was not +"dead, but only sleeping,"--to myself, who knew something of his history, +it seemed almost cruel to awaken him to any thing which might bring him +back to the memory of by-gone days. A momentary glance showed me that he +was no longer what he had been, and that the unfortunate change in his +condition, the loss of all his earliest and oldest associates, and his +blighted prospects, had nearly broken a heart that never deserted a +friend, nor quailed before an enemy. Poor O'Flaherty was no more the +delight of the circle he once adorned; the wit that "set the table in a +roar" was all but departed. He had been dismissed the service!!--The +story is a brief one:-- + +In the retreat from Burgos, the __ Light Dragoons, after a most fatiguing +day's march, halted at the wretched village of Cabenas. It had been +deserted by the inhabitants the day before, who, on leaving, had set it +on fire; and the blackened walls and fallen roof-trees were nearly all +that now remained to show where the little hamlet had once stood. + +Amid a down-pour of rain, that had fallen for several hours, drenched to +the skin, cold, weary, and nearly starving, the gallant 8th reached this +melancholy spot at nightfall, with little better prospect of protection +from the storm than the barren heath through which their road led might +afford them. Among the many who muttered curses, not loud but deep, on +the wretched termination to their day's suffering, there was one who kept +up his usual good spirits, and not only seemed himself nearly regardless +of the privations and miseries about him, but actually succeeded in +making the others who rode alongside as perfectly forgetful of their +annoyances and troubles as was possible under such circumstances. Good +stories, joking allusions to the more discontented ones of the party, +ridiculous plans for the night's encampment, followed each other so +rapidly, that the weariness of the way was forgotten; and while some were +cursing their hard fate, that ever betrayed them into such misfortunes, +the little group round O'Flaherty were almost convulsed with laughter at +the wit and drollery of one, over whom if the circumstances had any +influence, they seemed only to heighten his passion for amusement. In +the early part of the morning he had captured a turkey, which hung +gracefully from his holster on one side, while a small goat-skin of +Valencia wine balanced it on the other. These good things were destined +to form a feast that evening, to which he had invited four others; that +being, according to his most liberal calculation, the greatest number to +whom he could afford a reasonable supply of wine. + +When the halt was made, it took some time to arrange the dispositions for +the night; and it was nearly midnight before all the regiment had got +their billets and were housed, even with such scanty accommodation as the +place afforded. Tom's guests had not yet arrived, and he himself was +busily engaged in roasting the turkey before a large fire, on which stood +a capacious vessel of spiced wine, when the party appeared. A very +cursory "reconnaissance" through the house, one of the only ones +untouched in the village, showed that from the late rain it would be +impossible to think of sleeping in the lower story, which already showed +signs of being flooded; they therefore proceeded in a body up stairs, and +what was their delight to find a most comfortable room, neatly furnished +with chairs, and a table; but, above all, a large old-fashioned bed, an +object of such luxury as only an old campaigner can duly appreciate. The +curtains were closely tucked in all round, and, in their fleeting and +hurried glance, they felt no inclination to disturb them, and rather +proceeded to draw up the table before the hearth, to which they speedily +removed the fire from below; and, ere many minutes, with that activity +which a bivouack life invariably teaches, their supper smoked before +them, and five happier fellows did not sit down that night within a large +circuit around. Tom was unusually great; stories of drollery unlocked +before, poured from him unceasingly, and what with his high spirits to +excite them, and the reaction inevitable after a hard day's severe march, +the party soon lost the little reason that usually sufficed to guide +them, and became as pleasantly tipsy as can well be conceived. However, +all good things must have an end, and so had the wine-skin. Tom had +placed it affectionately under his arm like a bag-pipe and failed, with +even a most energetic squeeze, to extract a drop; there was no nothing +for it but to go to rest, and indeed it seemed the most prudent thing for +the party. + +The bed became accordingly a subject of grave deliberation; for as it +could only hold two, and the party were five, there seemed some +difficulty in submitting their chances to lot, which all agreed was the +fairest way. While this was under discussion, one of the party had +approached the contested prize, and, taking up the curtains, proceeded to +jump in--when, what was his astonishment to discover that it was already +occupied. The exclamation of surprise he gave forth soon brought the +others to his side; and to their horror, drunk as they were, they found +that the body before them was that of a dead man, arrayed in all the +ghastly pomp of a corpse. A little nearer inspection showed that he had +been a priest, probably the Padre of the village; on his head he had a +small velvet skull cap, embroidered with a cross, and his body was +swathed in a vestment, such as priests usually wear at the mass; in his +hand he held a large wax taper, which appeared to have burned only half +down, and probably been extinguished by the current of air on opening +the door. After the first brief shock which this sudden apparition had +caused, the party recovered as much of their senses as the wine had +left them, and proceeded to discuss what was to be done under the +circumstances; for not one of them ever contemplated giving up a bed +to a dead priest, while five living men slept on the ground. After much +altercation, O'Flaherty, who had hitherto listened without speaking, +interrupted the contending parties, saying, "stop, lads, I have it." + +"Come," said one of them, "let us hear Tom's proposal." + +"Oh," said he, with difficulty steadying himself while he spoke, "we'll +put him to bed with old Ridgeway, the quarter-master!" + +The roar of loud laughter that followed Tom's device was renewed again +and again, till not a man could speak from absolute fatigue. There was +not a dissentient voice. Old Ridgeway was hated in the corps, and a +better way of disposing of the priest and paying off the quarter-master +could not be thought of. + +Very little time sufficed for their preparations; and if they had been +brought up under the Duke of Portland himself, they could not have +exhibited a greater taste for a "black job." The door of the room was +quickly taken from its hinges, and the priest placed upon it at full +length; a moment more sufficed to lift the door upon their shoulders, +and, preceded by Tom, who lit a candle in honour of being, as he said, +"chief mourner," they took their way through the camp towards Ridgeway's +quarters. When they reached the hut where their victim lay, Tom ordered +a halt, and proceeded stealthily into the house to reconnoitre. The old +quarter-master he found stretched on his sheep-skin before a large fire, +the remnants of an ample supper strewed about him, and two empty bottles +standing on the hearth--his deep snoring showed that all was safe, and +that no fears of his awaking need disturb them. His shako and sword lay +near him, but his sabertasche was under his head. Tom carefully withdrew +the two former; and hastening to his friends without, proceeded to +decorate the priest with them; expressing, at the same time, considerable +regret that he feared it might wake Ridgeway, if he were to put the +velvet skull-cap on him for a night-cap. + +Noiselessly and steadily they now entered, and proceeded to put down +their burden, which, after a moment's discussion, they agreed to place +between the quarter-master and the fire, of which, hitherto, he had +reaped ample benefit. This done, they stealthily retreated, and hurried +back to their quarters, unable to speak with laughter at the success of +their plot, and their anticipation of Ridgeway's rage on awakening in the +morning. + +It was in the dim twilight of a hazy morning, that the bugler of the 8th +aroused the sleeping soldiers from their miserable couches, which, +wretched as they were, they, nevertheless, rose from reluctantly--so +wearied and fatigued had they been by the preceding day's march; not one +among the number felt so indisposed to stir as the worthy quarter-master; +his peculiar avocations had demanded a more than usual exertion on his +part, and in the posture he had laid down at night, he rested till +morning, without stirring a limb. Twice the reveille had rung through +the little encampment, and twice the quarter-master had essayed to open +his eyes, but in vain; at last he made a tremendous effort, and sat bolt +upright on the floor, hoping that the sudden effort might sufficiently +arouse him; slowly his eyes opened, and the first thing they beheld was +the figure of the dead priest, with a light cavalry helmet on his head, +seated before him. Ridgeway, who was "bon Catholique," trembled in every +joint--it might be a ghost, it might be a warning, he knew not what to +think--he imagined the lips moved, and so overcome with terror was he at +last, that he absolutely shouted like a maniac, and never cased till the +hut was filled with officers and men, who hearing the uproar ran to his +aid--the surprise of the poor quarter-master at the apparition, was +scarcely greater than that of the beholders--no one was able to afford +any explanation of the circumstance, though all were assured that it must +have been done in jest--the door upon which the priest had been conveyed, +afforded the clue--they had forgotten to restore it to its place +--accordingly the different billets were examined, and at last O'Flaherty +was discovered in a most commodious bed, in a large room without a door, +still fast asleep, and alone; how and when he had parted from his +companions, he never could precisely explain, though he has since +confessed it was part of his scheme to lead them astray in the village, +and then retire to the bed, which he had determined to appropriate to his +sole use. + +Old Ridgeway's rage knew no bounds; he absolutely foamed with passion, +and in proportion as he was laughed at his choler rose higher; had this +been the only result, it had been well for poor Tom, but unfortunately +the affair got to be rumoured through the country--the inhabitants of the +village learned the indignity with which the Padre had been treated; they +addressed a memorial to Lord Wellington--inquiry was immediately +instituted--O'Flaherty was tried by court martial, and found guilty; +nothing short of the heaviest punishment that could be inflicted under +the circumstances would satisfy the Spaniards, and at that precise period +it was part of our policy to conciliate their esteem by every means in +our power. The commander-in-chief resolved to make what he called an +"example," and poor O'Flaherty--the life and soul of his regiment--the +darling of his mess, was broke, and pronounced incapable of ever serving +his Majesty again. Such was the event upon which my poor friend's +fortune in life seemed to hinge--he returned to Ireland, if not entirely +broken-hearted, so altered that his best friends scarcely knew him; his +"occupation was gone;" the mess had been his home; his brother officers +were to him in place of relatives, and he had lost all. His after life +was spent in rambling from one watering place to another, more with the +air of one who seeks to consume than enjoy his time; and with such a +change in appearance as the alteration in his fortune had effected, he +now stood before me, but altogether so different a man, that but for the +well-known tones of a voice that had often convulsed me with laughter, I +should scarcely have recognised him. + +"Lorrequer, my old friend, I never thought of seeing you here--this is +indeed a piece of good luck." + +"Why, Tom? You surely knew that the __ were in Ireland, didn't you?" + +"To be sure. I dined with them only a few days ago, but they told me you +were off to Paris, to marry something superlatively beautiful, and most +enormously rich, the daughter of a duke, if I remember right; but certes, +they said your fortune was made, and I need not tell you, there was not a +man among them better pleased that I was to hear it." + +"Oh! they said so, did they? Droll dogs--always quizzing--I wonder you +did not perceive the hoax--eh--very good, was it not?" This I poured out +in short broken sentences, blushing like scarlet, and fidgeting like a +school girl with downright nervousness. + +"A hoax! devilish well done too,"--said Tom, "for old Carden believed +the whole story, and told me that he had obtained a six months' leave for +you to make your 'com.' and, moreover, said that he had got a letter from +the nobleman, Lord _____ confound his name." + +"Lord Grey, is it?" said I, with a sly look at Tom. + +"No, my dear friend," said he drily, "it was not Lord Grey--but to +continue--he had got a letter from him, dated from Paris, stating his +surprise that you had never joined them there, according to promise, and +that they knew your cousin Guy, and a great deal of other matter I can't +remember--so what does all this mean? Did you hoax the noble Lord as +well as the Horse Guards, Harry?" + +This was indeed a piece of news for me; I stammered out some ridiculous +explanation, and promised a fuller detail. Could it be that I had done +the Callonbys injustice, and that they never intended to break off my +attention to Lady Jane--that she was still faithful, and that of all +concerned I alone had been to blame. Oh! how I hoped this might be the +case; heavily as my conscience might accuse, I longed ardently to forgive +and deal mercifully with myself. Tom continued to talk about indifferent +matters, as these thoughts flitted through my mind; perceiving at last +that I did not attend, he stopped suddenly and said-- + +"Harry, I see clearly that something has gone wrong, and perhaps I can +make a guess at the mode too: but however, you can do nothing about it +now; come and dine with me to-day, and we'll discuss the affair together +after dinner; or if you prefer a 'distraction,' as we used to say in +Dunkerque, why then I'll arrange something fashionable for your evening's +amusement. Come, what say you to hearing Father Keogh preach, or would +you like a supper at the Carlingford, or perhaps you prefer a soiree chez +Miladi; for all of these Dublin affords--all three good in their way, and +very intellectual." + +"Well, Tom, I'm yours; but I should prefer your dining with me; I am at +Bilton's; we'll have our cutlet quite alone, and--" + +"And be heartily sick of each other, you were going to add. No, no, +Harry; you must dine with me; I have some remarkably nice people to +present you to--six is the hour--sharp six--number ___ Molesworth-street, +Mrs. Clanfrizzle's--easily find it--large fanlight over the door--huge +lamp in the hall, and a strong odour of mutton broth for thirty yards on +each side of the premises--and as good luck would have it, I see old Daly +the counsellor, as they call him, he's the very man to get to meet you, +you always liked a character, eh!" + +Saying this, O'Flaherty disengaged himself from my arm, and hurried +across the street towards a portly middle-aged looking gentleman, with +the reddest face I ever beheld. After a brief but very animated +colloquy, Tom returned, and informed that that all was right; he had +secured Daly. + +"And who is Daly?" said I, inquiringly, for I was rather interested in +hearing what peculiar qualification as a diner-out the counsellor might +lay claim to, many of Tom's friends being as remarkable for being the +quizzed as the quizzers. + +"Daly," said he, "is the brother of a most distinguished member of the +Irish bar, of which he himself is also a follower, bearing however, no +other resemblance to the clever man than the name, for as assuredly as +the reputation of the one is inseparably linked with success, so +unerringly is the other coupled with failure, and strange to say, that +the stupid man is fairly convinced that his brother owes all his success +to him, and that to his disinterested kindness the other is indebted for +his present exalted station. Thus it is through life; there seems ever +to accompany dullness a sustaining power of vanity, that like a +life-buoy, keeps a mass afloat whose weight unassisted would sink into +obscurity. Do you know that my friend Denis there imagines himself the +first man that ever enlightened Sir Robert Peel as to Irish affairs; and, +upon my word, his reputation on this head stands incontestably higher +than on most others." + +"You surely cannot mean that Sir Robert Peel ever consulted with, much +less relied upon, the statements of such a person, as you described you +friend Denis to be?" + +"He did both--and if he was a little puzzled by the information, +the only disgrace attaches to a government that send men to rule over +us unacquainted with our habits of thinking, and utterly ignorant of the +language--ay, I repeat it--but come, you shall judge for yourself; the +story is a short one, and fortunately so, for I must hasten home to give +timely notice of your coming to dine with me. When the present Sir +Robert Peel, then Mr. Peel, came over here, as secretary to Ireland, +a very distinguished political leader of the day invited a party to meet +him at dinner, consisting of men of different political leanings; among +whom were, as may be supposed, many members of the Irish bar; the elder +Daly was too remarkable a person to be omitted, but as the two brothers +resided together, there was a difficulty about getting him--however, he +must be had, and the only alternative that presented itself was adopted +--both were invited. When the party descended to the dining-room, +by one of those unfortunate accidents, which as the proverb informs us +occasionally take place in the best regulated establishments, the wrong +Mr. Daly got placed beside Mr. Peel, which post of honor had been +destined by the host for the more agreeable and talented brother. +There was now no help for it; and with a heart somewhat nervous for the +consequences of the proximity, the worthy entertainer sat down to do the +honors as best he might; he was consoled during dinner by observing +that the devotion bestowed by honest Denis on the viands before him +effectually absorbed his faculties, and thereby threw the entire of +Mr. Peel's conversation towards the gentleman on his other flank. +This happiness was like most others, destined to be a brief one. +As the dessert made its appearance, Mr. Peel began to listen with some +attention to the conversation of the persons opposite; with one of whom +he was struck most forcibly--so happy a power of illustration, so vivid a +fancy, such logical precision in argument as he evinced, perfectly +charmed and surprised him. Anxious to learn the name of so gifted an +individual, he turned towards his hitherto silent neighbour and demanded +who he was. + +"'Who is he, is it?' said Denis, hesitatingly, as if he half doubted such +extent of ignorance as not to know the person alluded to. + +"Mr. Peel bowed in acquiescence. + +"'That's Bushe!' said Denis, giving at the same time the same sound to +the vowel, u, as it obtains when occurring in the word 'rush.' + +"'I beg pardon,' said Mr. Peel, 'I did not hear.' + +"'Bushe!' replied Denis, with considerable energy of tone. + +"'Oh, yes! I know,' said the secretary, 'Mr. Bushe, a very distinguished +member of your bar, I have heard.' + +"'Faith, you may say that!' said Denis, tossing off his wine at what he +esteemed a very trite observation. + +"'Pray,' said Mr. Peel, again returning to the charge, though certainly +feeling not a little surprised at the singular laconicism of his +informant, no less than the mellifluous tones of an accent then perfectly +new to him. 'Pray, may I ask, what is the peculiar character of Mr. +Bushe's eloquence? I mean of course, in his professional capacity.' + +"'Eh!' said Denis, 'I don't comprehend you exactly.' + +"'I mean,' said Mr. Peel, 'in one word, what's his forte?' + +"'His forte!' + +"'I mean what his peculiar gift consists in--' + +"'Oh, I perceave--I have ye now--the juries!' + +"'Ah! addressing a jury.' + +"'Ay, the juries.' + +"'Can you oblige me by giving me any idea of the manner in which he +obtains such signal success in this difficult branch of eloquence.' + +"'I'll tell ye,' said Denis, leisurely finishing his glass, and smacking +his lips, with the air of a man girding up his loins for a mighty effort, +'I'll tell ye--well, ye see the way he has is this,'--here Mr. Peel's +expectation rose to the highest degree of interest,--'the way he has is +this--he first butthers them up, and then slithers them down! that's all, +devil a more of a secret there's in it.'" + +How much reason Denis had to boast of imparting early information to the +new secretary I leave my English readers to guess; my Irish ones I may +trust to do him ample justice. + +My friend now left me to my own devices to while away the hours till time +to dress for dinner. Heaven help the gentleman so left in Dublin, say I. +It is, perhaps, the only city of its size in the world, where there is no +lounge--no promenade. Very little experience of it will convince you +that it abounds in pretty women, and has its fair share of agreeable men; +but where are they in the morning? I wish Sir Dick Lauder, instead of +speculating where salmon spent the Christmas holidays, would apply his +most inquiring mind to such a question as this. True it is, however, +they are not to be found. The squares are deserted--the streets are very +nearly so--and all that is left to the luckless wanderer in search of the +beautiful, is to ogle the beauties of Dame-street, who are shopkeepers in +Grafton-street, or the beauties of Grafton-street, who are shopkeepers in +Dame-street. But, confound it, how cranky I am getting--I must be +tremendously hungry. True, it's past six. So now for my suit of sable, +and then to dinner. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +DUBLIN--THE BOARDING-HOUSE--SELECT SOCIETY. + +Punctual to my appointment with O'Flaherty, I found myself a very few +minutes after six o'clock at Mrs. Clanfrizzle's door. My very +authoritative summons at the bell was answered by the appearance of a +young, pale-faced invalid, in a suit of livery the taste of which bore a +very unpleasant resemblance to the one I so lately figured in. It was +with considerable difficulty I persuaded this functionary to permit my +carrying my hat with me to the drawing-room, a species of caution on my +part--as he esteemed it--savouring much of distrust. This point however, +I carried, and followed him up a very ill-lighted stair to the +drawing-room; here I was announced by some faint resemblance to my real +name, but sufficiently near to bring my friend Tom at once to meet me, +who immediately congratulated me on my fortune in coming off so well, +for that the person who preceded me, Mr. Jones Blennerhasset, had been +just announced as Mr. Blatherhasit--a change the gentleman himself was +not disposed to adopt--"But come along, Harry, while we are waiting for +Daly, let me make you known to some of our party; this, you must know, +is a boarding-house, and always has some capital fun--queerest people +you ever met--I have only one hint--cut every man, woman, and child of +them, if you meet them hereafter--I do it myself, though I have lived +here these six months." Pleasant people, thought I, these must be, with +whom such a line is advisable, much less practicable. + +"Mrs. Clanfrizzle, my friend Mr. Lorrequer; thinks he'll stay the summer +in town. Mrs. Clan--, should like him to be one of us." This latter was +said sotto voce, and was a practice he continued to adopt in presenting +me to his several friends through the room. + +Miss Riley, a horrid old fright, in a bird of paradise plume, and corked +eyebrows, gibbetted in gilt chains and pearl ornaments, and looking as +the grisettes say, "superbe en chrysolite"--"Miss Riley, Captain +Lorrequer, a friend I have long desired to present to you--fifteen +thousand a-year and a baronetcy, if he has sixpence"--sotto again. +"Surgeon M'Culloch--he likes the title," said Tom in a whisper--"Surgeon, +Captain Lorrequer. By the by, lest I forget it, he wishes to speak to +you in the morning about his health; he is stopping at Sandymount for the +baths; you could go out there, eh!" The tall thing in green spectacles +bowed, and acknowledged Tom's kindness by a knowing touch of the elbow. +In this way he made the tour of the room for about ten minutes, during +which brief space, I was according to the kind arrangements of +O'Flaherty, booked as a resident in the boarding-house--a lover to at +least five elderly, and three young ladies--a patient--a client--a second +in a duel to a clerk in the post-office--and had also volunteered +(through him always) to convey, by all of his Majesty's mails, as many +parcels, packets, band-boxes, and bird-cages, as would have comfortably +filled one of Pickford's vans. All this he told me was requisite to my +being well received, though no one thought much of any breach of compact +subsequently, except Mrs. Clan--herself. The ladies had, alas! been +often treated vilely before; the doctor had never had a patient; and as +for the belligerent knight of the dead office, he'd rather die than fight +any day. + +The last person to whom my friend deemed it necessary to introduce me, +was a Mr. Garret Cudmore, from the Reeks of Kerry, lately matriculated to +all the honors of freshmanship in the Dublin university. This latter was +a low-sized, dark-browed man, with round shoulders, and particularly long +arms, the disposal of which seemed sadly to distress him. He possessed +the most perfect brogue I ever listened to; but it was difficult to get +him to speak, for on coming up to town some weeks before, he had been +placed by some intelligent friend at Mrs. Clanfrizzle's establishment, +with the express direction to mark and thoroughly digest as much as he +could of the habits and customs of the circle about him, which he was +rightly informed was the very focus of good breeding and haut ton; but +on no account, unless driven thereto by the pressure of sickness, +or the wants of nature, to trust himself with speech, which, in his +then uninformed state, he was assured would inevitably ruin him +among his fastidiously cultivated associates. + +To the letter and the spirit of the despatch he had received, the worthy +Garret acted rigidly, and his voice was scarcely ever known to transgress +the narrow limits prescribed by his friends. In more respects that one, +was this a good resolve; for so completely had he identified himself with +college habits, things, and phrases, that whenever he conversed, he +became little short of unintelligible to the vulgar--a difficulty not +decreased by his peculiar pronunciation. + +My round of presentation was just completed, when the pale figure in +light blue livery announced Counsellor Daly and dinner, for both came +fortunately together. Taking the post of honour, Miss Riley's arm, I +followed Tom, who I soon perceived ruled the whole concern, as he led +the way with another ancient vestal in black stain and bugles. The long +procession wound its snake-like length down the narrow stair, and into +the dining-room, where at last we all got seated; and here let me briefly +vindicate the motives of my friend--should any unkind person be found to +impute to his selection of a residence, any base and grovelling passion +for gourmandaise, that day's experience should be an eternal vindication +of him. The soup--alas! that I should so far prostitute the word; for +the black broth of Sparta was mock turtle in comparison--retired to make +way for a mass of beef, whose tenderness I did not question; for it sank +beneath the knife of the carver like a feather bed--the skill of Saladin +himself would have failed to divide it. The fish was a most rebellious +pike, and nearly killed every loyal subject at table; and then down the +sides were various comestibles of chickens, with azure bosoms, and hams +with hides like a rhinoceros; covered dishes of decomposed vegetable +matter, called spinach and cabbage; potatoes arrayed in small masses, and +browned, resembling those ingenious architectural structures of mud, +children raise in the high ways, and call dirt-pies. Such were the chief +constituents of the "feed;" and such, I am bound to confess, waxed +beautifully less under the vigorous onslaught of the party. + +The conversation soon became both loud and general. That happy +familiarity--which I had long believed to be the exclusive prerogative of +a military mess, where constant daily association sustains the interest +of the veriest trifles--I here found in a perfection I had not +anticipated, with this striking difference, that there was no absurd +deference to any existing code of etiquette in the conduct of the party +generally, each person quizzing his neighbour in the most free and easy +style imaginable, and all, evidently from long habit and conventional +usage, seeming to enjoy the practice exceedingly. Thus, droll allusions, +good stories, and smart repartees, fell thick as hail, and twice as +harmless, which any where else that I had ever heard of, would assuredly +have called for more explanations, and perhaps gunpowder, in the morning, +than usually are deemed agreeable. Here, however, they knew better; and +though the lawyer quizzed the doctor for never having another patient +than the house dog, all of whose arteries he had tied in the course of +the winter for practice--and the doctor retorted as heavily, by showing +that the lawyer's practice had been other than beneficial to those for +whom he was concerned--his one client being found guilty, mainly through +his ingenious defence of him; yet they never showed any, the slightest +irritation--on the contrary, such little playful badinage ever led to +some friendly passages of taking wine together, or in arrangements for a +party to the "Dargle," or "Dunleary;" and thus went on the entire party, +the young ladies darting an occasion slight at their elders, who +certainly returned the fire, often with advantage; all uniting now and +then, however, in one common cause, an attack of the whole line upon Mrs. +Clanfrizzle herself, for the beef, or the mutton, or the fish, or the +poultry--each of which was sure to find some sturdy defamer, ready and +willing to give evidence in dispraise. Yet even these, and I thought +them rather dangerous sallies, led to no more violent results than +dignified replies from the worthy hostess, upon the goodness of her fare, +and the evident satisfaction it afforded while being eaten, if the +appetites of the party were a test. While this was at its height, Tom +stooped behind my chair, and whispered gently-- + +"This is good--isn't it, eh?--life in a boarding-house--quite new to you; +but they are civilized now compared to what you'll find them in the +drawing-room. When short whist for five-penny points sets in--then Greek +meets Greek, and we'll have it." + +During all this melee tournament, I perceived that the worthy jib as +he would be called in the parlance of Trinity, Mr. Cudmore, remained +perfectly silent, and apparently terrified. The noise, the din of +voices, and the laughing, so completely addled him, that he was like one +in a very horrid dream. The attention with which I had observed him, +having been remarked by my friend O'Flaherty, he informed me that the +scholar, as he was called there, was then under a kind of cloud--an +adventure which occurred only two nights before, being too fresh in his +memory to permit him enjoying himself even to the limited extent it had +been his wont to do. As illustrative, not only of Mr. Cudmore, but the +life I have been speaking of, I may as well relate it. + +Soon after Mr. Cudmore's enlistment under the banners of the +Clanfrizzle, he had sought and found an asylum in the drawing-room of the +establishment, which promised, from its geographical relations, to expose +him less to the molestations of conversation than most other parts of the +room. This was a small recess beside the fire-place, not uncommon in +old-fashioned houses, and which, from its incapacity to hold more than +one, secured to the worthy recluse the privacy he longed for; and here, +among superannuated hearth-brushes, an old hand screen, an asthmatic +bellows, and a kettle-holder, sat the timid youth, "alone, but in a +crowd." Not all the seductions of loo, limited to three pence, nor even +that most appropriately designated game, beggar-my-neighbour--could +withdraw him from his blest retreat. Like his countryman, St. Kevin--my +friend Petrie has ascertained that the saint was a native of Tralee--he +fled from the temptations of the world, and the blandishments of the +fair; but, alas! like the saint himself, the + + "poor jib little knew + All that wily sex can do;" + +For while he hugged himself in the security of his fortress, the web of +his destiny was weaving. So true is it, as he himself used, no less +pathetically than poetically to express it, "misfortune will find you +out, if ye were hid in a tay chest." + +It happened that in Mrs. Clanfrizzle's establishment, the "enfant bleu," +already mentioned, was the only individual of his sex retained; and +without for a moment disparaging the ability or attentions of this gifted +person, yet it may reasonably be credited, that in waiting on a party of +twenty-five or thirty persons at dinner, all of whom he had admitted as +porter, and announced as maitre d'hotel, with the subsequent detail of +his duties in the drawing-room, that Peter, blue Peter--his +boarding-house soubriquet--not enjoying the bird-like privilege of +"being in two places at once," gave one rather the impression of a +person of hasty and fidgetty habits--for which nervous tendency the +treatment he underwent was certainly injudicious--it being the +invariable custom for each guest to put his services in requisition, +perfectly irrespective of all other claims upon him, from whatsoever +quarter coming--and then, at the precise moment that the luckless valet +was snuffing the candles, he was abused by one for not bringing coal; by +another for having carried off his tea-cup, sent on an expedition for +sugar; by a third for having left the door open, which he had never been +near; and so on to the end of the chapter. + +It chanced that a few evenings previous to my appearance at the house, +this indefatigable Caleb was ministering as usual to the various and +discrepant wants of the large party assembled in the drawing-room. With +his wonted alacrity he had withdrawn from their obscure retreat against +the wall, sundry little tables, destined for the players at whist, or +"spoil five"--the popular game of the establishment. With a dexterity +that savoured much of a stage education, he had arranged the candles, the +cards, the counters; he had poked the fire, settled the stool for Miss +Riley's august feet, and was busily engaged in changing five shillings +into small silver for a desperate victim of loo--when Mrs. Clanfrizzle's +third, and, as it appeared, last time, of asking for the kettle smote +upon his ear. His loyalty would have induced him at once to desert every +thing on such an occasion; but the other party engaged, held him fast, +saying-- + +"Never mind HER, Peter--you have sixpence more to give me." + +Poor Peter rummaged one pocket, then another--discovering at last three +pence in copper, and some farthings, with which he seemed endeavouring to +make a composition with his creditor for twelve shillings in the pound; +when Mrs. Clan's patience finally becoming exhausted, she turned towards +Mr. Cudmore, the only unemployed person she could perceive, and with her +blandest smile said, + +"Mr. Cudmore, may I take the liberty of requesting you would hand me the +kettle beside you." + +Now, though the kettle aforesaid was, as the hostess very properly +observed, beside him, yet the fact that in complying with the demand, it +was necessary for the bashful youth to leave the recess he occupied, and, +with the kettle, proceed to walk half across the room--there to perform +certain manual operations requiring skill and presence of mind, before a +large and crowded assembly--was horror to the mind of the poor Jib; and +he would nearly as soon have acceded to a desire to dance a hornpipe, if +such had been suggested as the wish of the company. However, there was +nothing for it; and summoning up all his nerve--knitting his brows +--clenching his teeth, like one prepared to "do or die," he seized the +hissing cauldron, and strode through the room, like the personified +genius of steam, very much to the alarm of all the old ladies in the +vicinity, whose tasteful drapery benefitted but little from his progress. +Yet he felt but little of all this; he had brought up his courage to the +sticking place, and he was absolutely half unconscious of the whole scene +before him; nor was it till some kind mediator had seized his arm, while +another drew him back by the skirts of the coat, that he desisted from +the deluge of hot water, with which, having filled the tea-pot, he +proceeded to swamp every thing else upon the tray, in his unfortunate +abstraction. Mrs. Clanfrizzle screamed--the old ladies accompanied her +--the young ones tittered--the men laughed--and, in a word, poor Cudmore, +perfectly unconscious of any thing extraordinary, felt himself the +admired of all admirers,--very little, it is true, to his own +satisfaction. After some few minutes exposure to these eclats de rire, +he succeeded in depositing the source of his griefs within the fender, +and once more retired to his sanctuary,--having registered a vow, which, +should I speak it, would forfeit his every claim to gallantry for ever. + +Whether in the vow aforesaid Mr. Cudmore had only been engaged in that +species of tesselating which furnishes the pavement so celebrated in the +lower regions, I know not; but true it is, that he retired that night to +his chamber very much discomfited at his debut in the great world, and +half disposed to believe that nature had neither intended him for a +Brummel nor a D'Orsay. While he was ruminating on such matters, he was +joined by O'Flaherty, with whom he had been always more intimate than any +other inmate of the house--Tom's tact having entirely concealed what the +manners of the others too plainly evinced, the perfect appreciation of +the student's oddity and singularity. After some few observations on +general matters, O'Flaherty began with a tone of some seriousness to +express towards Cudmore the warm interest he had ever taken in him, since +his first coming among them; his great anxiety for his welfare, and his +firm resolve that no chance or casual inattention to mere ceremonial +observances on his part should ever be seized on by the other guests +as a ground for detraction or an excuse for ridicule of him. + +"Rely upon it, my dear boy," said he, "I have watched over you like a +parent; and having partly foreseen that something like this affair of +to-night would take place sooner or later"-- + +"What affair?" said Cudmore--his eyes staring half out of his head. + +"That business of the kettle." + +"Kett--el. The kettle! What of that?" said Cudmore. + +"What of it? Why, if you don't feel it, I am sure it is not my duty to +remind you; only"-- + +"Feel it--oh, yes. I saw them laughing, because I spilled the water over +old Mrs. Jones, or something of that sort." + +"No, no, my dear young friend, they were not laughing at that--their +mirth had another object." + +"What the devil was it at, then?" + +"You don't know, don't you?" + +"No; I really do not." + +"Nor can't guess--eh?" + +"Confound me if I can." + +"Well. I see, Mr. Cudmore, you are really too innocent for these +people. But come--it shall never be said that youth and inexperience +ever suffered from the unworthy ridicule and cold sarcasm of the base +world, while Tom O'Flaherty stood by a spectator. + +"Sir," said Tom, striking his hand with energy on the table, and darting +a look of fiery indignation from his eye, "Sir, you were this night +trepanned--yes, sir, vilely, shamefully trepanned--I repeat the +expression--into the performance of a menial office--an office so +degrading, so offensive, so unbecoming the rank, the station, and the +habits of gentlemen, my very blood recoils when I only think of the +indignity." + +The expression of increasing wonder and surprise depicted in Mr. +Cudmore's face at these words, my friend Phiz might convey--I cannot +venture to describe it--suffice it to say, that even O'Flaherty himself +found it difficult to avoid a burst of laughter, as he looked at him and +resumed. + +"Witnessing, as I did, the entire occurrence; feeling deeply for the +inexperience which the heartless worldlings had dared to trample upon, +I resolved to stand by you, and here I am come for that purpose." + +"Well, but what in the devil's name have I done all this time?" + +"What! are you still ignorant?--is it possible? Did you not hand the +kettle from the fire-place, and fill the tea-pot?--answer me that!" + +"I did," said Cudmore, with a voice already becoming tremulous. + +"Is that the duty of a gentleman?--answer me that." + +A dead pause stood in place of a reply, while Tom proceeded-- + +"Did you ever hear any one ask me, or Counsellor Daly, or Mr. Fogarty, +or any other person to do so?--answer me that." + +"No; never" muttered Cudmore, with a sinking spirit. + +"Well then why may I ask, were you selected for an office that by your +own confession, no one else would stoop to perform? I'll tell you, +because from your youth and inexperience, your innocence was deemed a fit +victim to the heartless sneers of a cold and unfeeling world." +And here Tom broke forth into a very beautiful apostrophe, beginning-- + +"Oh, virtue!" (this I am unfortunately unable to present to my readers; +and must only assure them that it was a very faithful imitation of the +well-known one delivered by Burke in the case of Warren Hastings,) and +concluding with an exhortation to Cudmore to wipe out the stain of his +wounded honour, by repelling with indignation the slightest future +attempt at such an insult. + +This done, O'Flaherty retired, leaving Cudmore to dig among Greek roots, +and chew over the cud of his misfortune. Punctual to the time and place, +that same evening beheld the injured Cudmore resume his wonted corner, +pretty much with the feeling with which a forlorn hope stands match in +hand to ignite the train destined to explode with ruin to thousands +--himself perhaps amongst the number: there he sat with a brain as +burning, and a heart as excited, as though, instead of sipping his bohea +beside a sea-coal fire, he was that instant trembling beneath the frown +of Dr. Elrington, for the blunders in his Latin theme, and what terror +to the mind of a "Jib" can equal that one? + +As luck would have it, this was a company night in the boarding-house. +Various young ladies in long blue sashes, and very broad ribbon sandals, +paraded the rooms, chatting gaily with very distinguished looking young +gentlemen, with gold brooches, and party-coloured inside waistcoats; +sundry elderly ladies sat at card-tables, discussing the "lost honour by +an odd trick they played," with heads as large as those of Jack or Jill +in the pantomime; spruce clerks in public offices, (whose vocation the +expansive tendency of the right ear, from long pen-carrying, betokened) +discussed fashion, "and the musical glasses" to some very over-dressed +married ladies, who preferred flirting to five-and-ten. The tea-table, +over which the amiable hostess presided, had also its standing votaries: +mostly grave parliamentary-looking gentlemen, with powdered heads, +and very long-waisted black coats, among whom the Sir Oracle was a +functionary of his Majesty's High Court of Chancery, though I have reason +to believe, not, Lord Manners: meanwhile, in all parts of the room might +be seen Blue Peter, distributing tea, coffee, and biscuit, and +occasionally interchanging a joke with the dwellers in the house. While +all these pleasing occupations proceeded, the hour of Cudmore's trial was +approaching. The tea-pot which had stood the attack of fourteen cups +without flinching, at last began to fail, and discovered to the prying +eyes of Mrs. Clanfrizzle, nothing but an olive-coloured deposit of soft +matter, closely analogous in appearance and chemical property to the +residuary precipitate in a drained fish-pond; she put down the lid with +a gentle sigh and turning towards the fire bestowed one of her very +blandest and most captivating looks on Mr. Cudmore, saying--as plainly +as looks could say--"Cudmore, you're wanting." Whether the youth did, +or did not understand, I am unable to record: I can only say, the appeal +was made without acknowledgment. Mrs. Clanfrizzle again essayed, and by +a little masonic movement of her hand to the tea-pot, and a sly glance at +the hob, intimated her wish--still hopelessly; at last there was nothing +for it but speaking; and she donned her very softest voice, and most +persuasive tone, saying-- + +"Mr. Cudmore, I am really very troublesome: will you permit me to ask +you?"-- + +"Is it for the kettle, ma'am?" said Cudmore, with a voice that startled +the whole room, disconcerting three whist parties, and so absorbing the +attention of the people at loo, that the pool disappeared without any one +being able to account for the circumstance. + +"Is it for the kettle, ma'am?" + +"If you will be so very kind," lisped the hostess. + +"Well, then, upon my conscience, you are impudent," said Cudmore, with +his face crimsoned to the ears, and his eyes flashing fire. + +"Why, Mr. Cudmore," began the lady, "why, really, this is so strange. +Why sir, what can you mean?" + +"Just that," said the imperturbable jib, who now that his courage was up, +dared every thing. + +"But sir, you must surely have misunderstood me. I only asked for the +kettle, Mr. Cudmore." + +"The devil a more," said Cud, with a sneer. + +"Well, then, of course"-- + +"Well, then, I'll tell you, of course," said he, repeating her words; +"the sorrow taste of the kettle, I'll give you. Call you own skip--Blue +Pether there--damn me, if I'll be your skip any longer." + +For the uninitiated I have only to add, that "skip" is the Trinity +College appellation for servant, which was therefore employed by Mr. +Cudmore, on this occasion, as expressing more contemptuously his sense +of the degradation of the office attempted to be put upon him. Having +already informed my reader on some particulars of the company, I leave +him to suppose how Mr. Cudmore's speech was received. Whist itself was +at an end for that evening, and nothing but laughter, long, loud, and +reiterated, burst from every corner of the room for hours after. + +As I have so far travelled out of the record of my own peculiar +confessions, as to give a leaf from what might one day form the matter of +Mr. Cudmore's, I must now make the only amende in my power, by honestly +narrating, that short as my visit was to the classic precincts of this +agreeable establishment, I did not escape without exciting my share of +ridicule, though, I certainly had not the worst of the joke, and may, +therefore, with better grace tell the story, which, happily for my +readers, is a very brief one. A custom prevailed in Mrs. Clanfrizzle's +household, which from my unhappy ignorance of boarding-houses, I am +unable to predicate if it belong to the genera at large, or this one +specimen in particular, however, it is a sufficiently curious fact, even +though thereby hang no tale, for my stating it here. The decanters on +the dinner-table were never labelled, with their more appropriate +designation of contents, whether claret, sherry, or port, but with the +names of their respective owners, it being a matter of much less +consequence that any individual at table should mix his wine, by pouring +"port upon madeira," than commit the truly legal offence of appropriating +to his own use and benefit, even by mistake, his neighbour's bottle. +However well the system may work among the regular members of the +"domestic circle," and I am assured that it does succeed extremely +--to the newly arrived guest, or uninitiated visitor, the affair is +perplexing, and leads occasionally to awkward results. + +It so chanced, from my friend O'Flaherty's habitual position at the foot +of the table, and my post of honour near the head, that on the first day +of my appearing there, the distance between us, not only precluded all +possible intercourse, but any of those gentle hints as to habits and +customs, a new arrival looks for at the hands of his better informed +friend. The only mode of recognition, to prove that we belonged to each +other, being by that excellent and truly English custom of drinking wine +together, Tom seized the first idle moment from his avocation as carver +to say, + +"Lorrequer, a glass of wine with you." + +Having, of course, acceded, he again asked, + +"What wine do you drink?" intending thereby, as I afterwards learned, to +send me from his end of the table, what wine I selected. Not conceiving +the object of the inquiry, and having hitherto without hesitation helped +myself from the decanter, which bore some faint resemblance to sherry, +I immediately turned for correct information to the bottle itself, upon +whose slender neck was ticketed the usual slip of paper. My endeavours +to decypher the writing occupied time sufficient again to make O'Flaherty +ask, + +"Well, Harry, I'm waiting for you. Will you have port?" + +"No, I thank you," I replied, having by this revealed the inscription. +"No, I thank you; I'll just stick to my old friend here, Bob M'Grotty;" +for thus I rendered familiarly the name of Rt. M'Grotty on the decanter, +and which I in my ignorance believed to be the boarding-house soubriquet +for bad sherry. That Mr. M'Grotty himself little relished my familiarity +with either his name or property I had a very decisive proof, for turning +round upon his chair, and surveying my person from head to foot with a +look of fiery wrath, he thundered out in very broad Scotch, + +"And by my saul, my freend, ye may just as weel finish it noo, for deil a +glass o' his ain wine did Bob M'Grotty, as ye ca' him, swallow this day." + +The convulsion of laughter into which my blunder and the Scotchman's +passion threw the whole board, lasted till the cloth was withdrawn, and +the ladies had retired to the drawing-room, the only individual at table +not relishing the mistake being the injured proprietor of the bottle, who +was too proud to accept reparation from my friend's decanter, and would +scarcely condescend to open his lips during the evening; notwithstanding +which display of honest indignation, we contrived to become exceedingly +merry and jocose, most of the party communicating little episodes of +their life, in which, it is true, they frequently figured in situations +that nothing but their native and natural candour would venture to avow. +One story I was considerably amused at; it was told by the counsellor, +Mr. Daly, in illustration of the difficulty of rising at the bar, and +which, as showing his own mode of obviating the delay that young +professional men submit to from hard necessity, as well as in evidence of +his strictly legal turn, I shall certainly recount, one of these days, +for the edification of the junior bar. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +THE CHASE. + +On the morning after my visit to the boarding-house, I received a few +hurried lines from Curzon, informing me that no time was to be lost in +joining the regiment--that a grand fancy ball was about to be given by +the officers of the Dwarf frigate, then stationed off Dunmore; who, when +inviting the ___, specially put in a demand for my well-known services, +to make it to go off, and concluding with an extract from the Kilkenny +Moderator, which ran thus-- + + "An intimation has just reached us, from a quarter on which we can + place the fullest reliance, that the celebrated amateur performer, + Mr. Lorrequer, may shortly be expected amongst us; from the many + accounts we have received of this highly-gifted gentleman's powers, + we anticipate a great treat to the lovers of the drama," &c. &c. + "So you see, my dear Hal," continued Curzon, "thy vocation calls + thee; therefore come, and come quickly--provide thyself with a black + satin costume, slashed with light blue--point lace collar and + ruffles--a Spanish hat looped in front--and, if possible, a long + rapier, with a flap hilt.--Carden is not here; so you may show your + face under any colour with perfect impunity.--Yours from the side + scenes, + + "C. Curzon." + +This clever epistle sufficed to show me that the gallant __th had gone +clean theatrical mad; and although from my "last appearance on any +stage," it might be supposed I should feel no peculiar desire to repeat +the experiment, yet the opportunity of joining during Col. Carden's +absence, was too tempting to resist, and I at once made up my mind to +set out, and, without a moment's delay, hurried across the street to +the coach office, to book myself an inside in the mail of that night; +fortunately no difficulty existed in my securing the seat, for the +way-bill was a perfect blank, and I found myself the only person who had, +as yet, announced himself a passenger. On returning to my hotel, I found +O'Flaherty waiting for me; he was greatly distressed on hearing my +determination to leave town--explained how he had been catering for my +amusement for the week to come--that a picnic to the Dargle was arranged +in a committee of the whole house, and a boating party, with a dinner at +the Pigeon-house, was then under consideration; resisting, however, such +extreme temptations, I mentioned the necessity of my at once proceeding +to headquarters, and all other reasons for my precipitancy failing, +concluded with that really knock-down argument, "I have taken my place;" +this, I need scarcely add, finished the matter--at least I have never +known it fail in such cases. Tell your friends that your wife is hourly +expecting to be confined; your favourite child is in the measles--you +best friend waiting your aid in an awkward scrape--your one vote only +wanting to turn the scale in an election. Tell them, I say, each or all +of these, or a hundred more like them, and to any one you so speak, the +answer is--"Pooh, pooh, my dear fellow, never fear--don't fuss yourself +--take it easy--to-morrow will do just as well." If, on the other hand, +however, you reject such flimsy excuses, and simply say, "I'm booked in +the mail," the opposition at once falls to the ground, and your quondam +antagonist, who was ready to quarrel with you, is at once prepared to +assist in packing your portmanteau. + +Having soon satisfied my friend Tom that resistance was in vain, I +promised to eat an early dinner with him at Morrisson's, and spent the +better part of the morning in putting down a few notes of my Confessions, +as well as the particulars of Mr. Daly's story, which, I believe, I half +or wholly promised my readers at the conclusion of my last chapter; but +which I must defer to a more suitable opportunity, when mentioning the +next occasion of my meeting him on the southern circuit. + +My dispositions were speedily made. I was fortunate in securing the +exact dress my friend's letter alluded to among the stray costumes of +Fishamble-street; and rich in the possession of the only "properties" it +has been my lot to acquire, I despatched my treasure to the coach office, +and hastened to Morrisson's, it being by this time nearly five o'clock. +There, true to time, I found O'Flaherty deep in the perusal of the bill, +along which figured the novel expedients for dining, I had been in the +habit of reading in every Dublin hotel since my boyhood. "Mock turtle, +mutton, gravy, roast beef and potatoes--shoulder of mutton and potatoes! +--ducks and peas, potatoes!! ham and chicken, cutlet steak and +potatoes!!! apple tart and cheese:" with a slight cadenza of a sigh over +the distant glories of Very, or still better the "Freres," we sat down to +a very patriarchal repast, and what may be always had par excellence in +Dublin, a bottle of Sneyd's claret. + +Poor Tom's spirits were rather below their usual pitch; and although he +made many efforts to rally and appear gay, he could not accomplish it. +However, we chatted away over old times and old friends, and forgetting +all else but the topics we talked of, the time-piece over the chimney +first apprised me that two whole hours had gone by, and that it was now +seven o'clock, the very hour the coach was to start. I started up at +once, and notwithstanding all Tom's representations of the impossibility +of my being in time, had despatched waiters in different directions for a +jarvey, more than ever determined upon going; so often is it that when +real reasons for our conduct are wanting, any casual or chance opposition +confirms us in an intention which before was but uncertain. Seeing me so +resolved, Tom, at length, gave way, and advised my pursuing the mail, +which must be now gone at least ten minutes, and which, with smart +driving, I should probably overtake before getting free of the city, as +they have usually many delays in so doing. I at once ordered out the +"yellow post-chaise," and before many minutes had elapsed, what, with +imprecation and bribery, I started in pursuit of his Majesty's Cork and +Kilkenny mail coach, then patiently waiting in the court-yard of the Post +Office. + +"Which way now, your honor?" said a shrill voice from the dark--for such +the night had already become, and threatened with a few heavy drops of +straight rain, the fall of a tremendous shower. + +"The Naas road," said I; "and, harkye, my fine fellow, if you overtake +the coach in half an hour, I'll double your fare." + +"Be gorra, I'll do my endayvour," said the youth; at the same time +instant dashing in both spurs, we rattled down Nassau-street at a very +respectable pace for harriers. Street after street we passed, and at +last I perceived we had got clear of the city, and were leaving the long +line of lamp-lights behind us. The night was now pitch dark. I could +not see any thing whatever. The quick clattering of the wheels, the +sharp crack of the postillion's whip, or the still sharper tone of his +"gee hup," showed me we were going at a tremendous pace, had I not even +had the experience afforded by the frequent visits my head paid to the +roof of the chaise, so often as we bounded over a stone, or splashed +through a hollow. Dark and gloomy as it was, I constantly let down the +window, and with half my body protruded, endeavores to catch a glimpse of +the "Chase;" but nothing could I see. The rain now fell in actual +torrents; and a more miserable night it is impossible to conceive. + +After about an hour so spent, he at last came to a check, so sudden and +unexpected on my part, that I was nearly precipitated, harlequin fashion, +through the front window. Perceiving that we no longer moved, and +suspecting that some part of our tackle had given way, I let down the +sash, and cried out--"Well now, my lad, any thing wrong?" My questions +was, however, unheard; and although, amid the steam arising from the wet +and smoking horses, I could perceive several figures indistinctly moving +about, I could not distinguish what they were doing, nor what they said. +A laugh I certainly did hear, and heartily cursed the unfeeling wretch, +as I supposed him to be, who was enjoying himself at my disappointment. +I again endeavoured to find out what had happened, and called out still +louder than before. + +"We are at Ra'coole, your honor," said the boy, approaching the door of +the chaise, "and she's only beat us by hafe a mile." + +"Who the devil is she?" said I. + +"The mail, your honor, is always a female in Ireland." + +"Then why do you stop now? You're not going to feed I suppose?" + +"Of course not, your honor, it's little feeding troubles these bastes, +any how, but they tell me the road is so heavy we'll never take the +chaise over the next stage without leaders." + +"Without leaders!" said I. "Pooh! my good fellow, no humbugging, +four horses for a light post-chaise and no luggage; come get up, and no +nonsense." At this moment a man approached the window with a lantern in +his hand, and so strongly represented the dreadful state of the roads +from the late rains--the length of the stage--the frequency of accidents +latterly from under-horsing, &c. &c. that I yielded, a reluctant assent, +and ordered out the leaders, comforting myself the while, that +considering the inside fare of the coach, I made such efforts to +overtake, was under a pound, and that time was no object to me, I +certainly was paying somewhat dearly for my character for resolution. + +At last we got under way once more, and set off cheered by a tremendous +shout from at least a dozen persons, doubtless denizens of that +interesting locality, amid which I once again heard the laugh that had so +much annoyed me already. The rain was falling, if possible, more heavily +than before, and had evidently set in for the entire night. Throwing +myself back into a corner of the "leathern convenience," I gave myself up +to the full enjoyment of the Rouchefoucauld maxim, that there is always a +pleasure felt in the misfortunes of even our best friends, and certainly +experienced no small comfort in my distress, by contrasting my present +position with that of my two friends in the saddle, as they sweltered on +through mud and mire, rain and storm. On we went, splashing, bumping, +rocking, and jolting, till I began at last to have serious thoughts of +abdicating the seat and betaking myself to the bottom of the chaise, for +safety and protection. Mile after mile succeeded, and as after many a +short and fitful slumber, which my dreams gave an apparent length to, +I woke only to find myself still in pursuit--the time seemed so +enormously protracted that I began to fancy my whole life was to be +passed in the dark, in chase of the Kilkenny mail, as we read in the true +history of the flying Dutchman, who, for his sins of impatience--like +mine--spent centuries vainly endeavouring to double the Cape, or the +Indian mariner in Moore's beautiful ballad, of whom we are told as-- + + "Many a day to night gave way, + And many a morn succeeded, + Yet still his flight, by day and night, + That restless mariner speeded." + +This might have been all very well in the tropics, with a smart craft and +doubtless plenty of sea store--but in a chaise, at night, and on the Naas +road, I humbly suggest I had all the worse of the parallel. + +At last the altered sound of the wheels gave notice of our approach +to a town, and after about twenty minutes; rattling over the pavement +we entered what I supposed, correctly, to be Naas. Here I had long since +determined my pursuit should cease. I had done enough, and more than +enough, to vindicate my fame against any charge of irresolution as to +leaving Dublin, and was bethinking me of the various modes of prosecuting +my journey on the morrow, when we drew up suddenly at the door of the +Swan. The arrival of a chaise and four at a small country town inn, +suggests to the various employees therein, any thing rather than the +traveller in pursuit of the mail, and so the moment I arrived, I was +assailed with innumerable proffers of horses, supper, bed, &c. My +anxious query was thrice repeated in vain, "When did the coach pass?" + +"The mail," replied the landlord at length. "Is it the down mail?" + +Not understanding the technical, I answered, "Of course not the Down--the +Kilkenny and Cork mail." + +"From Dublin, sir?" + +"Yes, from Dublin." + +"Not arrived yet, sir, nor will it for three quarters of an hour; they +never leave Dublin till a quarter past seven; that is, in fact, half +past, and their time here is twenty minutes to eleven." + +"Why, you stupid son of a boot-top, we have been posting on all night +like the devil, and all this time the coach has been ten miles behind +us." + +"Well, we've cotch them any how," said the urchin, as he disengaged +himself from his wet saddle, and stood upon the ground; "and it is not my +fault that the coach is not before us." + +With a satisfactory anathema upon all innkeepers, waiters, hostlers, and +post-boys, with a codicil including coach-proprietors, I followed the +smirking landlord into a well-lighted room, with a blazing fire, when +having ordered supper, I soon regained my equanimity. + +My rasher and poached eggs, all Naas could afford me, were speedily +despatched, and as my last glass, from my one pint of sherry, was poured +out, the long expected coach drew up. A minute after the coachman +entered to take his dram, followed by the guard; a more lamentable +spectacle of condensed moisture cannot be conceived; the rain fell from +the entire circumference of his broad-brimmed hat, like the ever-flowing +drop from the edge of an antique fountain; his drab-coat had become a +deep orange hue, while his huge figure loomed still larger, as he stood +amid a nebula of damp, that would have made an atmosphere for the +Georgium Sidus. + +"Going on to-night, sir?" said he, addressing me; "severe weather, and no +chance of its clearing, but of course you're inside." + +"Why, there is very little doubt of that," said I. "Are you nearly full +inside?" + +"Only one, sir; but he seems a real queer chap; made fifty inquiries at +the office if he could not have the whole inside to himself, and when he +heard that one place had been taken--your's, I believe, sir--he seemed +like a scalded bear." + +"You don't know his name then?" + +"No, sir, he never gave a name at the office, and his only luggage is two +brown paper parcels, without any ticket, and he has them inside; indeed +he never lets them from him even for a second." + +Here the guard's horn, announcing all ready, interrupted our colloquy, +and prevented my learning any thing further of my fellow-traveller, whom, +however, I at once set down in my own mind for some confounded old churl +that made himself comfortable every where, without ever thinking of any +one else's convenience. + +As I passed from the inn door to the coach, I once more congratulated +myself that I was about to be housed from the terrific storm of wind and +rain that railed about. + +"Here's the step, sir," said the guard, "get in, sir, two minutes late +already." + +"I beg your pardon, sir," said I, as I half fell over the legs of my +unseen companion. "May I request leave to pass you?" While he made way +for me for this purpose, I perceived that he stooped down towards the +guard, and said something, who from his answer had evidently been +questioned as to who I was. "And how did he get here, if he took his +place in Dublin?" asked the unknown. + +"Came half an hour since, sir, in a chaise and four," said the guard, as +he banged the door behind him, and closed the interview. + +Whatever might have been the reasons for my fellow-traveller's anxiety +about my name and occupation, I knew not, yet could not help feeling +gratified at thinking that as I had not given my name at the coach +office, I was a great a puzzle to him as he to me. + +"A severe night, sir," said I, endeavouring to break ground in +conversation. + +"Mighty severe," briefly and half crustily replied the unknown, with a +richness of brogue, that might have stood for a certificate of baptism +in Cork or its vicinity. + +"And a bad road too, sir," said I, remembering my lately accomplished +stage. + +"That's the reason I always go armed," said the unknown, clinking at the +same moment something like the barrel of a pistol. + +Wondering somewhat at his readiness to mistake my meaning, I felt +disposed to drop any further effort to draw him out, and was about to +address myself to sleep, as comfortably as I could. + +"I'll jist trouble ye to lean aff that little parcel there, sir," said +he, as he displaced from its position beneath my elbow, one of the paper +packages the guard had already alluded to. + +In complying with this rather gruff demand, one of my pocket pistols, +which I carried in my breast pocket, fell out upon his knee, upon which +he immediately started, and asked hurriedly--"and are you armed too?" + +"Why, yes," said I, laughingly; "men of my trade seldom go without +something of this kind." + +"Be gorra, I was just thinking that same," said the traveller, with a +half sigh to himself. + +Why he should or should not have thought so, I never troubled myself to +canvass, and was once more settling myself in my corner, when I was +startled by a very melancholy groan, which seemed to come from the bottom +of my companion's heart. + +"Are you ill, sir?" said I, in a voice of some anxiety. + +"You might say that," replied he--"if you knew who you were talking to +--although maybe you've heard enough of me, though you never saw me till +now." + +"Without having that pleasure even yet," said I, "it would grieve me to +think you should be ill in the coach." + +"May be it might," briefly replied the unknown, with a species of meaning +in his words I could not then understand. "Did ye never hear tell of +Barney Doyle?" said he. + +"Not to my recollection." + +"Then I'm Barney," said he; "that's in all the newspapers in the +metropolis; I'm seventeen weeks in Jervis-street hospital, and four in +the Lunatic, and the devil a better after all; you must be a stranger, +I'm thinking, or you'd know me now." + +"Why I do confess, I've only been a few hours in Ireland for the last six +months." + +"Ay, that's the reason; I knew you would not be fond of travelling with +me, if you knew who it was." + +"Why, really," said I, beginning at the moment to fathom some of the +hints of my companion, "I did not anticipate the pleasure of meeting +you." + +"It's pleasure ye call it; then there's no accountin' for tastes, +as Dr. Colles said, when he saw me bite Cusack Rooney's thumb off." + +"Bite a man's thumb off!" said I, in a horror. + +"Ay," said he with a kind of fiendish animation, "in one chop; I wish +you'd see how I scattered the consultation; begad they didn't wait to +ax for a fee." + +Upon my soul, a very pleasant vicinity, though I. "And, may I ask sir," +said I, in a very mild and soothing tone of voice, "may I ask the reason +for this singular propensity of yours?" + +"There it is now, my dear," said he, laying his hand upon my knee +familiarly, "that's just the very thing they can't make out; Colles says, +it's all the ceribellum, ye see, that's inflamed and combusted, and some +of the others think it's the spine; and more, the muscles; but my real +impression is, the devil a bit they know about it at all." + +"And have they no name for the malady?" said I. + +"Oh sure enough they have a name for it." + +"And, may I ask--" + +"Why, I think you'd better not, because ye see, maybe I might be +throublesome to ye in the night, though I'll not, if I can help it; and +it might be uncomfortable to you to be here if I was to get one of the +fits." + +"One of the fits! Why it's not possible, sir," said I, "you would travel +in a public conveyance in the state you mention; your friends surely +would not permit it?" + +"Why, if they knew, perhaps," slily responded the interesting invalid, +"if they knew they might not exactly like it, but ye see, I escaped only +last night, and there'll be a fine hub-bub in the morning, when they find +I'm off; though I'm thinking Rooney's barking away by this time." + +"Rooney barking, why, what does that mean?" + +"They always bark for a day or two after they're bit, if the infection +comes first from the dog." + +"You are surely not speaking of hydrophobia," said I, my hair actually +bristling with horror and consternation. + +"Ayn't I?" replied he; "may be you've guessed it though." + +"And have you the malady on you at present?" said I, trembling for the +answer. + +"This is the ninth day since I took to biting," said he gravely, +perfectly unconscious as it appeared of the terror such information was +calculated to convey. + +"Any with such a propensity, sir, do you think yourself warranted in +travelling in a public coach, exposing others--" + +"You'd better not raise your voice, that way," quietly responded he, "if +I'm roused, it 'll be worse for ye, that's all." + +"Well but," said I, moderating my zeal, "is it exactly prudent, in your +present delicate state, to undertake a journey?" + +"Ah," said he, with a sigh, "I've been longing to see the fox hounds +throw off, near Kilkenny; these three weeks I've been thinking of nothing +else; but I'm not sure how my nerves will stand the cry; I might be +throublesome." + +"Upon my soul," thought I, "I shall not select that morning for my debut +in the field." + +"I hope, sir, there's no river, or watercourse on this road--any thing +else, I can, I hope, control myself against; but water--running water +particularly--makes me throublesome." + +Well knowing what he meant by the latter phrase, I felt the cold +perspiration settling on my forehead, as I remembered that we must be +within about ten or twelve miles of Leighlin-bridge, where we should have +to pass a very wide river. I strictly concealed this fact from him, +however, and gave him to understand that there was not a well, brook, or +rivulet, for forty miles on either side of us. He now sunk into a kind +of moody silence, broken occasionally by a low muttering noise, as if +speaking to himself--what this might portend, I knew not--but thought it +better, under all circumstances, not to disturb him. How comfortable my +present condition was, I need scarcely remark--sitting vis a vis to a +lunatic, with a pair of pistols in his possession--who had already avowed +his consciousness of his tendency to do mischief, and his inability to +master it; all this in the dark, and in the narrow limits of a +mail-coach, where there was scarcely room for defence, and no +possibility of escape--how heartily I wished myself back in the +Coffee-room at Morrisson's, with my poor friend Tom--the infernal +chaise, that I cursed a hundred times, would have been an "exchange," +better than into the Life Guards--ay, even the outside of the coach, if +I could only reach it, would, under present circumstances, be a glorious +alternative to my existing misfortune. What were rain and storm, +thunder and lightning, compared with the chances that awaited me here? +--wet through I should inevitably be, but then I had not yet contracted +the horror of moisture my friend opposite laboured under. "Ha! what is +that? is it possible he can be asleep; is it really a snore?--Heaven +grant that little snort be not what the medical people call a +premonitory symptom--if so, he'll be in upon me now in no time. Ah, +there it is again; he must be asleep surely; now then is my time or +never." With these words, muttered to myself, and a heart throbbing +almost audibly at the risk of his awakening, I slowly let down the +window of the coach, and stretching forth my hand, turned the handle +cautiously and slowly; I next disengaged my legs, and by a long +continuous effort of creeping--which I had learned perfectly once, when +practising to go as a boa constrictor to a fancy ball--I withdrew myself +from the seat and reached the step, when I muttered something very like +a thanksgiving to Providence for my rescue. With little difficulty I now +climbed up beside the guard, whose astonishment at my appearance was +indeed considerable--that any man should prefer the out, to the inside +of a coach, in such a night, was rather remarkable; but that the person +so doing should be totally unprovided with a box-coat, or other similar +protection, argued something so strange, that I doubt not, if he were to +decide upon the applicability of the statute of lunacy to a traveller in +the mail, the palm would certainly have been awarded to me, and not to +my late companion. Well, on we rolled, and heavily as the rain poured +down, so relieved did I feel at my change of position, that I soon fell +fast asleep, and never awoke till the coach was driving up Patrick +street. Whatever solace to my feelings reaching the outside of the coach +might have been attended with at night, the pleasure I experienced on +awaking, was really not unalloyed. More dead than alive, I sat a mass +of wet clothes, like nothing under heaven except it be that morsel of +black and spongy wet cotton at the bottom of a schoolboy's ink bottle, +saturated with rain, and the black dye of my coat. My hat too had +contributed its share of colouring matter, and several long black +streaks coursed down my "wrinkled front," giving me very much the air of +an Indian warrior, who had got the first priming of his war paint. I +certainly must have been rueful object, were I only to judge from the +faces of the waiters as they gazed on me when the coach drew up at Rice +and Walsh's hotel. Cold, wet, and weary as I was, my curiosity to learn +more of my late agreeable companion was strong as ever within me +--perhaps stronger, from the sacrifices his acquaintance had exacted +from me. Before, however, I had disengaged myself from the pile of +trunks and carpet bags I had surrounded myself with--he had got out of +the coach, and all I could catch a glimpse of was the back of a little +short man in a kind of grey upper coat, and long galligaskins on his +legs. He carried his two bundles under his arm, and stepped nimbly up +the steps of the hotel, without turning his head to either side. + +"Don't fancy you shall escape me now, my good friend," I cried out, as I +sprung from the roof to the ground, with one jump, and hurried after the +great unknown into the coffee-room. By the time I reached it he had +approached the fire, on the table near which, having deposited the +mysterious paper parcels, he was now busily engaged in divesting himself +of his great coat; his face was still turned from me, so that I had time +to appear employed in divesting myself of my wet drapery before he +perceived me; at last the coat was unbuttoned, the gaiters followed, and +throwing them carelessly on a chair, he tucked up the skirts of his coat; +and spreading himself comfortably a l'Anglais, before the fire, displayed +to my wondering and stupified gaze, the pleasant features of Doctor +Finucane. + +"Why, Doctor--Doctor Finucane," cried I, "is this possible? were you +really the inside in the mail last night." + +"Devil a doubt of it, Mr. Lorrequer; and may I make bould to ask,--were +you the outside?" + +"Then what, may I beg to know, did you mean by your damned story about +Barney Doyle, and the hydrophobia, and Cusack Rooney's thumb--eh?" + +"Oh, by the Lord," said Finucane, "this will be the death of me; and it +was you that I drove outside in all the rain last night! Oh, it will +kill Father Malachi outright with laughing, when I tell him;" and he +burst out into a fit of merriment that nearly induced me to break his +head with the poker. + +"Am I to understand, then, Mr. Finucane, that this practical joke of your +was contrived for my benefit, and for the purpose of holding me up to the +ridicule of your confounded acquaintances." + +"Nothing of the kind, upon my conscience," said Fin, drying his eyes, +and endeavouring to look sorry and sentimental. "If I had only the least +suspicion in life that it was you, upon my oath I'd not have had the +hydrophobia at all, and, to tell you the truth, you were not the only +one frightened--you alarmed me devilishly too." + +"I alarmed you! Why, how can that be?" + +"Why, the real affair is this: I was bringing these two packages of notes +down to my cousin Callaghan's bank in Cork--fifteen thousand pounds +--devil a less; and when you came into the coach at Naas, after driving +there with your four horses, I thought it was all up with me. The guard +just whispered in my ear, that he saw you look at the priming of your +pistols before getting in; and faith I said four paters, and a hail Mary, +before you'd count five. Well, when you got seated, the thought came +into my mind that maybe, highwayman as you were, you would not like dying +a natural death, more particularly if you were an Irishman; and so I +trumped up that long story about the hydrophobia, and the gentleman's +thumb, and devil knows what besides; and, while I was telling it, the +cold perspiration was running down my head and face, for every time you +stirred, I said to myself, now he'll do it. Two or three times, do you +know, I was going to offer you ten shillings in the pound, and spare my +life; and once, God forgive me, I thought it would not be a bad plan to +shoot you by 'mistake,' do you perceave?" + +"Why, upon my soul, I'm very much obliged to you for your excessively +kind intentions; but really I feel you have done quite enough for me on +the present occasion. But, come now, doctor, I must get to bed, and +before I go, promise me two things--to dine with us to-day at the mess, +and not to mention a syllable of what occurred last night--it tells, +believe me, very badly for both; so, keep the secret, for if these +confounded fellows of ours ever get hold of it, I may sell out, +or quit the army; I'll never hear the end of it!" + +"Never fear, my boy; trust me. I'll dine with you, and you're as safe as +a church-mouse for any thing I'll tell them; so, now you'd better change +your clothes, for I'm thinking it rained last night." + +Muttering some very dubious blessings upon the learned Fin, I left the +room, infinitely more chagrined and chop-fallen at the discovery I had +made, than at all the misery and exposure the trick had consigned me to; +"however," thought I, "if the doctor keep his word, it all goes well; the +whole affair is between us both solely; but, should it not be so, I may +shoot half the mess before the other half would give up quizzing me." +Revolving such pleasant thought, I betook myself to bed, and what with +mulled port, and a blazing fire, became once more conscious of being a +warm-blooded animal, and feel sound asleep, to dream of doctors, strait +waistcoats, shaved heads, and all the pleasing associations my late +companion's narrative so readily suggested. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +MEMS. OF THE NORTH CORK. + +At six o'clock I had the pleasure of presenting the worthy Doctor +Finucane to our mess, taking at the same time an opportunity, unobserved +by him, to inform three or four of my brother officers that my friend was +really a character, abounding in native drollery, and richer in good +stories than even the generality of his countrymen. + +Nothing could possibly go on better than the early part of the evening. +Fin, true to his promise, never once alluded to what I could plainly +perceive was ever uppermost in his mind, and what with his fund of +humour, quaintness of expression, and quickness at reply, garnished +throughout by his most mellifluous brogue, the true "Bocca Corkana," kept +us from one roar of laughter to another. It was just at the moment in +which his spirits seemed at their highest, that I had the misfortune to +call upon him for a story, which his cousin Father Malachi had alluded to +on the ever-memorable evening at his house, and which I had a great +desire to hear from Fin's own lips. He seemed disposed to escape telling +it, and upon my continuing to press my request, drily remarked, + +"You forget, surely, my dear Mr. Lorrequer, the weak condition I'm in; +and these gentlemen here, they don't know what a severe illness I've been +labouring under lately, or they would not pass the decanter so freely +down this quarter." + +I had barely time to throw a mingled look of entreaty and menace across +the table, when half-a-dozen others, rightly judging from the Doctor's +tone and serio-comic expression, that his malady had many more symptoms +of fun than suffering about it, called out together-- + +"Oh, Doctor, by all means, tell us the nature of your late attack--pray +relate it." + +"With Mr. Lorrequer's permission I'm your slave, gentlemen," said Fin, +finishing off his glass. + +"Oh, as for me," I cried, "Dr. Finucane has my full permission to detail +whatever he pleases to think a fit subject for your amusement." + +"Come then, Doctor, Harry has no objection you see; so out with it, and +we are all prepared to sympathise with your woes and misfortunes, +whatever they be." + +"Well, I am sure, I never could think of mentioning it without his leave; +but now that he sees no objection--Eh, do you though? if so, then, don't +be winking and making faces at me; but say the word, and devil a syllable +of it I'll tell to man or mortal." + +The latter part of this delectable speech was addressed to me across the +table, in a species of stage whisper, in reply to some telegraphic +signals I had been throwing him, to induce him to turn the conversation +into any other channel. + +"Then, that's enough," continued he sotto voce--"I see you'd rather I'd +not tell it." + +"Tell it and be d____d," said I, wearied by the incorrigible pertinacity +with which the villain assailed me. My most unexpected energy threw the +whole table into a roar, at the conclusion of which Fin began his +narrative of the mail-coach adventure. + +I need not tell my reader, who has followed me throughout in these my +Confessions, that such a story lost nothing of its absurdity, when +entrusted to the Doctor's powers of narration; he dwelt with a poet's +feeling upon the description of his own sufferings, and my sincere +condolence and commiseration; he touched with the utmost delicacy upon +the distant hints by which he broke the news to me; but when he came to +describe my open and undisguised terror, and my secret and precipitate +retreat to the roof of the coach, there was not a man at table that was +not convulsed with laughter---and, shall I acknowledge it, even I myself +was unable to withstand the effect, and joined in the general chorus +against myself. + +"Well," said the remorseless wretch, as he finished his story, "if ye +haven't the hard hearts to laugh at such a melancholy subject. Maybe, +however, you're not so cruel after all--here's a toast for you, 'a speedy +recovery to Cusack Rooney.'" This was drank amid renewed peals, with all +the honors; and I had abundant time before the uproar was over, to wish +every man of them hanged. It was to no purpose that I endeavoured to +turn the tables, by describing Fin's terror at my supposed resemblance to +a highwayman---his story had the precedence, and I met nothing during my +recital but sly allusions to mad dogs, muzzles, and doctors; and +contemptible puns were let off on every side at my expense. + +"It's little shame I take to myself for the mistake, any how," said Fin, +"for putting the darkness of the night out of question, I'm not so sure I +would not have ugly suspicions of you by daylight." + +"And besides, Doctor," added I, "it would not be your first blunder in +the dark." + +"True for you, Mr. Lorrequer," said he, good-humouredly; "and now that I +have told them your story, I don't care if they hear mine, though maybe +some of ye have heard it already--it's pretty well known in the North +Cork." + +We all gave our disclaimers on this point, and having ordered in a fresh +cooper of port, disposed ourselves in our most easy attitudes, while the +Doctor proceeded as follows:-- + +"It was in the hard winter of the year __99, that we were quartered in +Maynooth, as many said, for our sins--for a more stupid place, the Lord +be merciful to it, never were men condemned to. The people at the +college were much better off than us--they had whatever was to be got in +the country, and never were disturbed by mounting guard, or night +patrols. Many of the professors were good fellows, that liked grog fully +as well as Greek, and understood short whist, and five and ten quite as +intimately as they knew the Vulgate, or the confessions of St. Augustine +--they made no ostentacious display of their pious zeal, but whenever +they were not fasting, or praying, or something of that kind, they were +always pleasant and agreeable; and to do them justice, never refused, +by any chance, an invitation to dinner--no matter at what inconvenience. +Well, even this little solace in our affliction we soon lost, by an +unfortunate mistake of that Orange rogue of the world, Major Jones, +that gave a wrong pass one night--Mr. Lorrequer knows the story, (here he +alluded to an adventure detailed in an early chapter of my Confessions) +--and from that day forward we never saw the pleasant faces of the Abbe +D'Array, or the Professor of the Humanities, at the mess. Well, the only +thing I could do, was just to take an opportunity to drop in at the +College in the evening, where we had a quiet rubber of whist, and a +little social and intellectual conversation, with maybe an oyster and a +glass of punch, just to season the thing, before we separated; all done +discreetly and quietly--no shouting nor even singing, for the 'superior' +had a prejudice about profane songs. Well, one of those nights it was, +about the first week in February, I was detained by stress of weather +from 11 o'clock, when we usually bade good-night, to past twelve, and +then to one o'clock, waiting for a dry moment to get home to the +barracks--a good mile and a half off. Every time old Father Mahony went +to look at the weather, he came back saying, 'It's worse it's getting; +such a night of rain, glory be to God, never was seen.' So there was no +good in going out to be drenched to the skin, and I sat quietly waiting, +taking, between times, a little punch, just not to seem impatient, nor +distress their rev'rances. At last it struck two, and I thought--'well, +the decanter is empty now, and I think, if I mean to walk, I've taken +enough for the present;' so, wishing them all manner of happiness, and +pleasant dreams, I stumbled by way down stairs, and set out on my +journey. I was always in the habit of taking a short cut on my way home, +across the 'gurt na brocha,' the priest's meadows, as they call them, it +saved nearly half a mile, although, on the present occasion, it exposed +one wofully to the rain, for there was nothing to shelter against the +entire way, not even a tree. Well, out I set in a half trot, for I staid +so late I was pressed for time; besides, I felt it easier to run than +walk; I'm sure I can't tell why; maybe the drop of drink I took got +into my head. Well, I was just jogging on across the common; the rain +beating hard in my face, and my clothes pasted to me with the wet; +notwithstanding, I was singing to myself a verse of an old song, to +lighten the road, when I heard suddenly a noise near me, like a man +sneezing. I stopped and listened,--in fact, it was impossible to see +your hand, the night was so dark--but I could hear nothing; the thought +then came over me, maybe it's something 'not good,' for there were very +ugly stories going about what the priests used to do formerly in these +meadows; and bones were often found in different parts of them. Just as +I was thinking this, another voice came nearer than the last; it might be +only a sneeze, after all; but in real earnest it was mighty like a groan. +'The Lord be about us,' I said to myself, 'what's this?--have ye the +pass?' I cried out, 'have ye the pass? or what brings ye walking here, +in nomine patri?' for I was so confused whether it was a 'sperit' or not, +I was going to address him in Latin--there's nothing equal to the dead +languages to lay a ghost, every body knows. Faith the moment I said +these words he gave another groan, deeper and more melancholy like than +before. 'If it's uneasy ye are,' says I, 'for any neglect of your +friends,' for I thought he might be in purgatory longer than he thought +convenient, 'tell me what you wish, and go home peaceably out of the +rain, for this weather can do no good to living or dead; go home,' said +I, 'and, if it's masses ye'd like, I'll give you a day's pay myself, +rather than you should fret yourself this way.' The words were not well +out of my mouth, when he came so near me that the sigh he gave went right +through both my ears; 'the Lord be merciful to me,' said I, trembling. +'Amen,' says he, 'whether you're joking or not.' The moment he said that +my mind was relieved, for I knew it was not a sperit, and I began to +laugh heartily at my mistake; 'and who are ye at all?' said I, 'that's +roving about, at this hour of the night, ye can't be Father Luke, for I +left him asleep on the carpet before I quitted the college, and faith, my +friend, if you hadn't the taste for divarsion ye would not be out now?' +He coughed then so hard that I could not make out well what he said, but +just perceived that he had lost his way on the common, and was a little +disguised in liquor. 'It's a good man's case,' said I, 'to take a little +too much, though it's what I don't ever do myself; so, take a hold of my +hand, and I'll see you safe.' I stretched out my hand, and got him, not +by the arm, as I hoped, but by the hair of the head, for he was all +dripping with wet, and had lost his hat. 'Well, you'll not be better of +this night's excursion,' thought I, 'if ye are liable to the rheumatism; +and, now, whereabouts do you live, my friend, for I'll see you safe, +before I leave you?' What he said then I never could clearly make out, +for the wind and rain were both beating so hard against my face that I +could not hear a word; however, I was able just to perceive that he was +very much disguised in drink, and spoke rather thick. 'Well, never +mind,' said I, 'it's not a time of day for much conversation; so, come +along, and I'll see you safe in the guard-house, if you can't remember +your own place of abode in the meanwhile.' It was just at the moment I +said this that I first discovered he was not a gentleman. Well, now, +you'd never guess how I did it; and, faith I always thought it a very +cute thing of me, and both of us in the dark." + +"Well, I really confess it must have been a very difficult thing, under +the circumstances; pray how did you contrive?" said the major. + +"Just guess how." + +"By the tone of his voice perhaps, and his accent," said Curzon. + +"Devil a bit, for he spoke remarkably well, considering how far gone he +was in liquor." + +"Well, probably by the touch of his hand; no bad test." + +"No; you're wrong again, for it was by the hair I had a hold of him for +fear of falling, for he was always stooping down. Well, you'd never +guess it; it was just by the touch of his foot." + +"His foot! Why how did that give you any information?" + +"There it is now; that's just what only an Irishman would ever have made +any thing out of; for while he was stumbling about, he happened to tread +upon my toes, and never, since I was born, did I feel any thing like the +weight of him. 'Well,' said I, 'the loss of your hat may give you a +cold, my friend; but upon my conscience you are in no danger of wet feet +with such a pair of strong brogues as you have on you.' Well, he laughed +at that till I thought he'd split his sides, and, in good truth, I could +not help joining in the fun, although my foot was smarting like mad, and +so we jogged along through the rain, enjoying the joke just as if we were +sitting by a good fire, with a jorum of punch between us. I am sure I +can't tell you how often we fell that night, but my clothes the next +morning were absolutely covered with mud, and my hat crushed in two; for +he was so confoundedly drunk it was impossible to keep him up, and he +always kept boring along with his head down, so that my heart was almost +broke in keeping him upon his legs. I'm sure I never had a more +fatiguing march in the whole Peninsula, than that blessed mile and a +half; but every misfortune has an end at last, and it was four o'clock, +striking by the college clock, as we reached the barracks. After +knocking a couple of times, and giving the countersign, the sentry opened +the small wicket, and my heart actually leaped with joy that I had done +with my friend; so, I just called out the sergeant of the guard, and +said, 'will you put that poor fellow on the guard-bed till morning, for I +found him on the common, and he could neither find his way home nor tell +me where he lived.' 'And where is he?' said the sergeant. 'He's outside +the gate there,' said I, 'wet to the skin, and shaking as if he had the +ague.' 'And is this him?' said the sergeant as we went outside. 'It +is,' said I, 'maybe you know him?' 'Maybe I've a guess,' said he, +bursting into a fit of laughing, that I thought he'd choke with. 'Well, +sergeant,' said I, 'I always took you for a humane man; but, if that's +the way you treat a fellow-creature in distress.' 'A fellow-creature,' +said he, laughing louder than before. 'Ay, a fellow-creature,' said I +--for the sergeant was an orangeman--'and if he differs from you in +matters of religion, sure he's your fellow-creature still.' 'Troth, +Doctor, I think there's another trifling difference betune us,' said he. +'Damn your politics,' said I; 'never let them interfere with true +humanity.' Wasn't I right, Major? 'Take good care of him, and there's a +half-a-crown for ye.' So saying these words, I steered along by the +barrack wall, and, after a little groping about, got up stairs to my +quarters, when, thanks to a naturally good constitution, and regular +habits of life, I soon fell fast asleep." + +When the Doctor had said thus much, he pushed his chair slightly from the +table, and, taking off his wine, looked about him with the composure of a +man who has brought his tale to a termination. + +"Well, but Doctor," said the Major, "you are surely not done. You have +not yet told us who your interesting friend turned out to be." + +"That's the very thing, then, I'm not able to do." + +"But, of course," said another, "your story does not end there." + +"And where the devil would you have it end?" replied he. "Didn't I bring +my hero home, and go asleep afterwards myself, and then, with virtue +rewarded, how could I finish it better?" + +"Oh, of course; but still you have not accounted for a principal +character in the narrative," said I. + +"Exactly so," said Curzon. "We were all expecting some splendid +catastrophe in the morning; that your companion turned out to be the Duke +of Leinster, at least--or perhaps a rebel general, with an immense price +upon his head." + +"Neither the one nor the other," said Fin, drily. + +"And do you mean to say there never was any clue to the discovery of +him?" + +"The entire affair is wrapt in mystery to this hour," said he. "There +was a joke about it, to be sure, among the officers; but the North Cork +never wanted something to laugh at." + +"And what was the joke?" said several voices together. + +"Just a complaint from old Mickey Oulahan, the postmaster, to the +Colonel, in the morning, that some of the officers took away his blind +mare off the common, and that the letters were late in consequence." + +"And so, Doctor," called out seven or eight, "your friend turned out to +be--" + +"Upon my conscience they said so, and that rascal, the serjeant, would +take his oath of it; but my own impression I'll never disclose to the +hour of my death." + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +THEATRICALS. + +Our seance at the mess that night was a late one, for after we had +discussed some coopers of claret, there was a very general public feeling +in favour of a broiled bone and some devilled kidneys, followed by a very +ample bowl of bishop, over which simple condiments we talked "green room" +till near the break of day. + +From having been so long away from the corps I had much to learn of their +doings and intentions to do, and heard with much pleasure that they +possessed an exceedingly handsome theatre, well stocked with scenery, +dresses, and decorations; that they were at the pinnacle of public +estimation, from what they had already accomplished, and calculated on +the result of my appearance to crown them with honour. I had indeed very +little choice left me in the matter; for not only had they booked me for +a particular part, but bills were already in circulation, and sundry +little three-cornered notes enveloping them, were sent to the elite of +the surrounding country, setting forth that "on Friday evening the +committee of the garrison theatricals, intending to perform a dress +rehearsal of the 'Family Party,' request the pleasure of Mr. ____ and +Mrs. ____'s company on the occasion. Mr. Lorrequer will undertake the +part of Captain Beauguarde. Supper at twelve. An answer will oblige." + +The sight of one of these pleasant little epistles, of which the +foregoing is a true copy--was presented to me as a great favour that +evening, it having been agreed upon that I was to know nothing of their +high and mighty resolves till the following morning. It was to little +purpose that I assured them all, collectively and individually, that of +Captain Beauguarde I absolutely knew nothing--had never read the piece +--nor even seen it performed. I felt, too, that my last appearance in +character in a "Family Party," was any thing but successful; and I +trembled lest, in the discussion of the subject, some confounded allusion +to my adventure at Cheltenham might come out. Happily they seemed all +ignorant of this; and fearing to bring conversation in any way to the +matter of my late travels, I fell in with their humour, and agreed that +if it were possible, in the limited time allowed me to manage it--I had +but four days--I should undertake the character. My concurrence failed +to give the full satisfaction I expected, and they so habitually did what +they pleased with me, that, like all men so disposed, I never got the +credit for concession which a man more niggardly of his services may +always command. + +"To be sure you will do it, Harry," said the Major, "why not? I could +learn the thing myself in a couple of hours, as for that." + +Now, be it known that the aforesaid Major was so incorrigibly slow of +study, and dull of comprehension, that he had been successively degraded +at our theatrical board from the delivering of a stage message to the +office of check-taker. + +"He's so devilish good in the love scene," said the junior ensign, with +the white eyebrows. "I say, Curzon, you'll be confoundedly jealous +though, for he is to play with Fanny." + +"I rather think not," said Curzon, who was a little tipsy. + +"Oh, yes," said Frazer, "Hepton is right. Lorrequer has Fanny for his +'Frou;' and, upon my soul, I should feel tempted to take the part myself +upon the same terms; though I verily believe I should forget I was +acting, and make fierce love to her on the stage." + +"And who may la charmante Fanny be?" said I, with something of the air of +the "Dey of Algiers" in my tone. + +"Let Curzon tell him," said several voices together, "he is the only ma +to do justice to such perfection." + +"Quiz away, my merry men," said Cruzon, "all I know is, that you are a +confoundedly envious set of fellows; and if so lovely a girl had thrown +her eyes on one amongst you--" + +"Hip! hip! hurrah!" said old Fitzgerald, "Curzon is a gone man. He'll be +off to the palace for a license some fine morning, or I know nothing of +such matters." + +"Well, Bat," said I, "if matters are really as you all say, why does not +Curzon take the part you destine for me?" + +"We dare not trust him," said the Major, "Lord bless you, when the +call-boy would sing out for Captain Beaugarde in the second act, we'd +find that he had Levanted with our best slashed trowsers, and a bird of +paradise feather in his cap." + +"Well," thought I, "this is better at least than I anticipated, for if +nothing else offers, I shall have rare fun teasing my friend Charley" +--for it was evident that he had been caught by the lady in question. + +"And so you'll stay with us; give me your hand--you are a real trump." +These words, which proceeded from a voice at the lower end of the table, +were addressed to my friend Finucane. + +"I'll stay with ye, upon my conscience," said Fin; "ye have a most +seductive way about ye; and a very superior taste in milk punch." + +"But, Doctor," said I, "you must not be a drone in the hive; what will ye +do for us? You should be a capital Sir Lucius O'Trigger, if we could get +up the Rivals." + +"My forte is the drum--the big drum; put me among what the Greeks call +the 'Mousikoi,' and I'll astonish ye." + +It was at once agreed that Fin should follow the bent of his genius; and +after some other arrangements for the rest of the party, we separated for +the night, having previously toasted the "Fanny," to which Curzon +attempted to reply, but sank, overpowered by punch and feelings, and +looked unutterable things, without the power to frame a sentence. + +During the time which intervened between the dinner and the night +appointed for our rehearsal, I had more business upon my hands than a +Chancellor of the Exchequer the week of the budget being produced. The +whole management of every department fell, as usual, to my share, and +all those who, previously to my arrival, had contributed their quota of +labour, did nothing whatever now but lounge about the stage, or sit half +the day in the orchestra, listening to some confounded story of +Finucane's, who contrived to have an everlasting mob of actors, +scene-painters, fiddlers, and call-boys always about him, who, from their +uproarious mirth, and repeated shouts of merriment, nearly drove me +distracted, as I stood almost alone and unassisted in the whole +management. Of la belle Fanny, all I learned was, that she was a +professional actress of very considerable talent, and extremely pretty; +that Curzon had fallen desperately in love with her the only night she +had appeared on the boards there, and that to avoid his absurd +persecution of her, she had determined not to come into town until the +morning of the rehearsal, she being at that time on a visit to the house +of a country gentleman in the neighbourhood. Here was a new difficulty I +had to contend with--to go through my part alone was out of the question +to making it effective; and I felt so worried and harassed that I often +fairly resolved on taking the wings of the mail, and flying away to the +uttermost parts of the south of Ireland, till all was tranquil again. +By degrees, however, I got matters into better train, and by getting our +rehearsal early before Fin appeared, as he usually slept somewhat later +after his night at mess, I managed to have things in something like +order; he and his confounded drum, which, whenever he was not +story-telling, he was sure to be practising on, being, in fact the +greatest difficulties opposed to my managerial functions. One property +he possessed, so totally at variance with all habits of order, that it +completely baffled me. So numerous were his narratives, that no +occasion could possibly arise, no chance expression be let fall on the +stage, but Fin had something he deemed, apropos, and which, sans facon, +he at once related for the benefit of all whom it might concern; that +was usually the entire corps dramatique, who eagerly turned from stage +directions and groupings, to laugh at his ridiculous jests. I shall +give an instance of this habit of interruption, and let the unhappy +wight who has filled such an office as mine pity my woes. + +I was standing one morning on the stage drilling my "corps" as usual. +One most refractory spirit, to whom but a few words were entrusted, and +who bungled even those, I was endeavouring to train into something like +his part. + +"Come now, Elsmore, try it again--just so. Yes, come forward in this +manner--take her hand tenderly--press it to your lips; retreat towards +the flat, and then bowing deferentially--thus, say 'Good night, good +night'--that's very simple, eh? Well, now that's all you have to do, and +that brings you over here--so you make your exit at once." + +"Exactly so, Mr. Elsmore, always contrive to be near the door under such +circumstances. That was the way with my poor friend, Curran. Poor +Philpot, when he dined with the Guild of Merchant Tailors, they gave him +a gold box with their arms upon it--a goose proper, with needles saltier +wise, or something of that kind; and they made him free of their 'ancient +and loyal corporation,' and gave him a very grand dinner. Well, Curran +was mighty pleasant and agreeable, and kept them laughing all night, till +the moment he rose to go away, and then he told them that he never spent +so happy an evening, and all that. 'But, gentlemen,' said he, 'business +has its calls, and I must tear myself away; so wishing you now'--there +were just eighteen of them--'wishing you now every happiness and +prosperity, permit me to take my leave'--and here he stole near the door +--'to take my leave, and bid you both good night.'" With a running fire +of such stories, it may be supposed how difficult was my task in getting +any thing done upon the stage. + +Well, at last the long-expected Friday arrived, and I rose in the morning +with all that peculiar tourbillon of spirits that a man feels when he is +half pleased and whole frightened with the labour before him. I had +scarcely accomplished dressing when a servant tapped at my door, and +begged to know if I could spare a few moments to speak to Miss Ersler, +who was in the drawing-room. I replied, of course, in the affirmative, +and, rightly conjecturing that my fair friend must be the lovely Fanny +already alluded to, followed the servant down stairs. + +"Mr. Lorrequer," said the servant, and closing the door behind me, left +me in sole possession of the lady. + +"Will you do me the favour to sit here, Mr. Lorrequer," said one of the +sweetest voices in the world, as she made room for me on the sofa beside +her. "I am particularly short-sighted; so pray sit near me, as I really +cannot talk to any one I don't see." + +I blundered out some platitude of a compliment to her eyes--the fullest +and most lovely blue that ever man gazed into--at which she smiled as if +pleased, and continued, "Now, Mr. Lorrequer, I have really been longing +for your coming; for your friends of the 4_th are doubtless very dashing, +spirited young gentlemen, perfectly versed in war's alarms; but pardon me +if I say that a more wretched company of strolling wretches never graced +a barn. Now, come, don't be angry, but let me proceed. Like all amateur +people, they have the happy knack in distributing the characters--to put +every man in his most unsuitable position--and then that poor dear thing +Curzon--I hope he's not a friend of yours--by some dire fatality always +plays the lover's parts, ha! ha! ha! True, I assure you, so that if you +had not been announced as coming this week, I should have left them and +gone off to Bath." + +Here she rose and adjusted her brown ringlets at the glass, giving me +ample time to admire one of the most perfect figures I ever beheld. She +was most becomingly dressed, and betrayed a foot and ancle which for +symmetry and "chaussure," might have challenged the Rue Rivoli itself to +match it. + +My first thought was poor Curzon; my second, happy and trice fortunate +Harry Lorrequer. There was no time, however, for indulgence in such very +pardonable gratulation; so I at once proceeded "pour faire l'aimable," to +profess my utter inability to do justice to her undoubted talents, but +slyly added, "that in the love making part of the matter she should never +be able to discover that I was not in earnest." We chatted then gaily for +upwards of an hour, until the arrival of her friend's carriage was +announced, when, tendering me most graciously her hand, she smiled +benignly and saying "au revoir, donc," drove off. + +As I stood upon the steps of the hotel, viewing her "out of the visible +horizon," I was joined by Curzon, who evidently, from his self-satisfied +air, and jaunty gait, little knew how he stood in the fair Fanny's +estimation. + +"Very pretty, very pretty, indeed, deeper and deeper still," cried he, +alluding to my most courteous salutation as the carriage rounded the +corner, and it lovely occupant kissed her hand once more. "I say Harry, +my friend, you don't think that was meant for you, I should hope?" + +"What! the kiss of the hand? Yes, faith, but I do." + +"Well, certainly that is good! why, man, she just saw me coming up that +instant. She and I--we understand each other--never mind, don't be +cross--no fault of yours, you know." + +"Ah, so she is taken with you," said I. "Eh, Charley?" + +"Why, I believe that. I may confess to you the real state of matters. +She was devilishly struck with me the first time we rehearsed together. +We soon got up a little flirtation; but the other night when I played +Mirabel to her, it finished the affair. She was quite nervous, and could +scarcely go through with her part. I saw it, and upon my soul I am sorry +for it; she's a prodigiously fine girl--such lips and such teeth! Egad +I was delighted when you came; for, you see, I was in a manner obliged +to take one line of character, and I saw pretty plainly where it must +end; and you know with you it's quite different, she'll laugh and chat, +and all that sort of thing, but she'll not be carried away by her +feelings; you understand me?" + +"Oh, perfectly; it's quite different, as you observed." + +If I had not been supported internally during this short dialogue by the +recently expressed opinion of the dear Fanny herself upon my friend +Curzon's merits, I think I should have been tempted to take the liberty +of wringing his neck off. However, the affair was much better as it +stood, as I had only to wait a little with proper patience, and I had no +fears but that my friend Charley would become the hero of a very pretty +episode for the mess. + +"So I suppose you must feel considerably bored by this kind of thing," I +said, endeavouring to draw him out. + +"Why, I do," replied he, "and I do not. The girl is very pretty. The +place is dull in the morning; and altogether it helps to fill up time." + +"Well," said I, "you are always fortunate, Curzon. You have ever your +share of what floating luck the world affords." + +"It is not exactly all luck, my dear friend; for, as I shall explain to +you--" + +"Not now," replied I, "for I have not yet breakfasted." So saying I +turned into the coffee-room, leaving the worthy adjutant to revel in his +fancied conquest, and pity such unfortunates as myself. + +After an early dinner at the club-house, I hastened down to the theatre, +where numerous preparations for the night were going forward. The +green-room was devoted to the office of a supper-room, to which the +audience had been invited. The dressing-rooms were many of them filled +with the viands destined for the entertainment. Where, among the wooden +fowls and "impracticable" flagons, were to be seen very imposing pasties +and flasks of champaigne, littered together in most admirable disorder. +The confusion naturally incidental to all private theatricals, was +ten-fold increased by the circumstances of our projected supper. Cooks +and scene-shifters, fiddlers and waiters, were most inextricably +mingled; and as in all similar cases, the least important functionaries +took the greatest airs upon them, and appropriated without hesitation +whatever came to their hands--thus the cook would not have scrupled to +light a fire with the violoncello of the orchestra; and I actually +caught one of the "gens de cuisine" making a "soufflet" in a brass +helmet I had once worn when astonishing the world as Coriolanus. + +Six o'clock struck. In another short hour and we begin, thought I, with +a sinking heart, as I looked upon the littered stage crowded with hosts +of fellows that had nothing to do there. Figaro himself never wished for +ubiquity more than I did, as I hastened from place to place, entreating, +cursing, begging, scolding, execrating, and imploring by turns. To mend +the matter, the devils in the orchestra had begun to tune their +instruments, and I had to bawl like a boatswain of a man-of-war, to be +heard by the person beside me. + +As seven o'clock struck, I peeped through the small aperture in the +curtain, and saw, to my satisfaction, mingled, I confess, with fear, that +the house was nearly filled--the lower tier of boxes entirely so. There +were a great many ladies handsomely dressed, chatting gaily with their +chaperons, and I recognised some of my acquaintances on every side; in +fact, there was scarcely a family of rank in the county that had not at +least some member of it present. As the orchestra struck up the overture +to Don Giovanni, I retired from my place to inspect the arrangements +behind. + +Before the performance of the "Family Party," we were to have a little +one-act piece called "a day in Madrid," written by myself--the principal +characters being expressly composed for "Miss Ersler and Mr. Lorrequer." + +The story of this trifle, it is not necessary to allude to; indeed, if it +were, I should scarcely have patience to do so, so connected is my +recollection of it with the distressing incident which followed. + +In the first scene of the piece, the curtain rising displays la belle +Fanny sitting at her embroidery in the midst of a beautiful garden, +surrounded with statues, fountains, &c. At the back is seen a pavillion +in the ancient Moorish style of architecture, over which hang the +branches of some large and shady trees--she comes forward, expressing her +impatience at the delay of her lover, whose absence she tortures herself +to account for by a hundred different suppositions, and after a very +sufficient expose of her feelings, and some little explanatory details of +her private history, conveying a very clear intimation of her own +amiability, and her guardian's cruelty, she proceeds, after the fashion +of other young ladies similarly situated, to give utterance to her +feelings by a song; after, therefore, a suitable prelude from the +orchestra, for which, considering the impassioned state of her mind, she +waits patiently, she comes forward and begins a melody-- + + "Oh why is he far from the heart that adores him?" + +in which, for two verses, she proceeds with sundry sol feggio's, to +account for the circumstances, and show her disbelief of the explanation +in a very satisfactory manner,--meanwhile, for I must not expose my +reader to an anxiety on my account, similar to what the dear Fanny here +laboured under, I was making the necessary preparations for flying to her +presence, and clasping her to my heart--that is to say, I had already +gummed on a pair of mustachios, had corked and arched a ferocious pair of +eyebrows, which, with my rouged cheeks, gave me a look half Whiskerando, +half Grimaldi; these operations were performed, from the stress of +circumstances, sufficiently near the object of my affections, to afford +me the pleasing satisfaction of hearing from her own sweet lips, her +solicitude about me--in a word, all the dressing-rooms but two were +filled with hampers of provisions, glass, china, and crockery, and from +absolute necessity, I had no other spot where I could attire myself +unseen, except in the identical pavillion already alluded to--here, +however, I was quite secure, and had abundant time also, for I was not to +appear till scene the second, when I was to come forward in full Spanish +costume, "every inch a Hidalgo." Meantime, Fanny had been singing-- + +"Oh why is he far," &c. &c. + +At the conclusion of the last verse, just as she repeats the words "why, +why, why," in a very distracted and melting cadence, a voice behind +startles her--she turns and beholds her guardian--so at least run the +course of events in the real drama--that it should follow thus now +however, "Dus aliter visum"--for just as she came to the very moving +apostrophe alluded to, and called out, "why comes he not?"--a gruff voice +from behind answered in a strong Cork brogue--"ah! would ye have him come +in a state of nature?" at the instant a loud whistle rang through the +house, and the pavillion scene slowly drew up, discovering me, Harry +Lorrequer, seated on a small stool before a cracked looking-glass, my +only habiliments, as I am an honest man, being a pair of long white silk +stockings, and a very richly embroidered shirt with point lace collar. +The shouts of laughter are yet in my ears, the loud roar of +inextinguishable mirth, which after the first brief pause of astonishment +gave way, shook the entire building--my recollection may well have been +confused at such a moment of unutterable shame and misery; yet, I clearly +remember seeing Fanny, the sweet Fanny herself, fall into an arm-chair +nearly suffocated with convulsions of laughter. I cannot go on; what I +did I know not. I suppose my exit was additionally ludicrous, for a new +eclat de rire followed me out. I rushed out of the theatre, and wrapping +only my cloak round me, ran without stopping to the barracks. But I must +cease; these are woes too sacred for even confessions like mine, so let +me close the curtain of my room and my chapter together, and say, adieu +for a season. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIb. + +[Note: There are two Chapter XVIs. In the table of contents, this one +has an asterisk but no explanation.] + +THE WAGER. + +It might have been about six weeks after the events detailed in my last +chapter had occurred, that Curzon broke suddenly into my room one morning +before I had risen, and throwing a precautionary glance around, as if to +assure himself that we were alone, seized my hand with a most unusual +earnestness, and, steadfastly looking at me, said-- + +"Harry Lorrequer, will you stand by me?" + +So sudden and unexpected was his appearance at the moment, that I really +felt but half awake, and kept puzzling myself for an explanation of the +scene, rather than thinking of a reply to his question; perceiving which, +and auguring but badly from my silence, he continued-- + +"Am I then, really deceived in what I believed to be an old and tried +friend?" + +"Why, what the devil's the matter?" I cried out. "If you are in a +scrape, why of course you know I'm your man; but, still, it's only fair +to let one know something of the matter in the meanwhile." + +"In a scrape!" said he, with a long-drawn sigh, intended to beat the +whole Minerva press in its romantic cadence. + +"Well, but get on a bit," said I, rather impatiently; "who is the fellow +you've got the row with? Not one of ours, I trust?" + +"Ah, my dear Hal," said he, in the same melting tone as before--"How your +imagination does run upon rows, and broils, and duelling rencontres," +(he, the speaker, be it known to the reader, was the fire-eater of the +regiment,) "as if life had nothing better to offer than the excitement of +a challenge, or the mock heroism of a meeting." + +As he made a dead pause here, after which he showed no disposition to +continue, I merely added-- + +"Well, at this rate of proceeding we shall get at the matter in hand, on +our way out to Corfu, for I hear we are the next regiment for the +Mediterranean." + +The observation seemed to have some effect in rousing him from his +lethargy, and he added-- + +"If you only knew the nature of the attachment, and how completely all my +future hopes are concerned upon the issue--" + +"Ho!" said I, "so it's a money affair, is it? and is it old Watson has +issued the writ? I'll bet a hundred." + +"Well, upon my soul, Lorrequer," said he, jumping from his chair, and +speaking with more energy than he had before evinced, "you are, without +exception, the most worldly-minded, cold-blooded fellow I ever met. What +have I said that could have led you to suppose I had either a duel or a +law-suit upon my hands this morning? Learn, once and for all, man, that +I am in love--desperately and over head and ears in love." + +"Et puis," said I coolly. + +"And intend to marry immediately." + +"Oh, very well," said I; "the fighting and debt will come later, that's +all. But to return--now for the lady." + +"Come, you must make a guess." + +"Why, then, I really must confess my utter inability; for your attentions +have been so generally and impartially distributed since our arrival +here, that it may be any fair one, from your venerable partner at whist +last evening, to Mrs. Henderson, the pastry-cook inclusive, for whose +macaroni and cherry-brandy your feelings have been as warm as they are +constant." + +"Come, no more quizzing, Hal. You surely must have remarked that lovely +girl I waltzed with at Power's ball on Tuesday last." + +"Lovely girl! Why, in all seriousness, you don't mean the small woman +with the tow wig?" + +"No, I do not mean any such thing--but a beautiful creature, with the +brightest locks in Christendom--the very light-brown waving ringlets, +Dominicheno loved to paint, and a foot--did you see her foot?" + +"No; that was rather difficult, for she kept continually bobbing up and +down, like a boy's cork-float in a fish-pond." + +"Stop there. I shall not permit this any longer--I came not here to +listen to--" + +"But, Curzon, my boy, you're not angry?" + +"Yes, sir, I am angry." + +"Why, surely, you have not been serious all this time?" + +"And why not, pray?" + +"Oh! I don't exactly know--that is, faith I scarcely thought you were in +earnest, for if I did, of course I should honestly have confessed to you +that the lady in question struck me as one of the handsomest persons I +ever met." + +"You think so really, Hal?" + +"Certainly I do, and the opinion is not mine alone; she is, in fact +universally admired." + +"Come, Harry, excuse my bad temper. I ought to have known you better +--give me your hand, old boy, and wish me joy, for with you aiding and +abetting she is mine to-morrow morning." + +I wrung his hand heartily--congratulating myself, meanwhile, how happily +I had got out of my scrape; as I now, for the first time, perceived that +Curzon was bona fide in earnest. + +"So, you will stand by me, Hal," said he. + +"Of course. Only show me how, and I'm perfectly at your service. +Any thing from riding postillion on the leaders to officiating as +brides-maid, and I am your man. And if you are in want of such a +functionary, I shall stand in 'loco parentis' to the lady, and give her +away with as much 'onction' and tenderness as tho' I had as many +marriageable daughters as king Priam himself. It is with me in marriage +as in duelling--I'll be any thing rather than a principal; and I have +long since disapproved of either method as a means of 'obtaining +satisfaction.'" + +"Ah, Harry, I shall not be discouraged by your sneers. You've been +rather unlucky, I'm aware; but now to return: Your office, on this +occasion, is an exceedingly simple one, and yet that which I could only +confide to one as much my friend as yourself. You must carry my dearest +Louisa off." + +"Carry her off! Where?--when?--how?" + +"All that I have already arranged, as you shall hear." + +"Yes. But first of all please to explain why, if going to run away with +the lady, you don't accompany her yourself." + +"Ah! I knew you would say that, I could have laid a wager you'd ask that +question, for it is just that very explanation will show all the native +delicacy and feminine propriety of my darling Loo; and first, I must tell +you, that old Sir Alfred Jonson, her father, has some confounded +prejudice against the army, and never would consent to her marriage with +a red-coat--so that, his consent being out of the question, our only +resource is an elopement. Louisa consents to this, but only upon one +condition--and this she insists upon so firmly--I had almost said +obstinately--that, notwithstanding all my arguments and representations, +and even entreaties against it, she remains inflexible; so that I have at +length yielded, and she is to have her own way." + +"Well, and what is the condition she lays such stress upon?" + +"Simply this--that we are never to travel a mile together until I obtain +my right to do so, by making her my wife. She has got some trumpery +notions in her head that any slight transgression over the bounds of +delicacy made by women before marriage is ever after remembered by the +husband to their disadvantage, and she is, therefore, resolved not to +sacrifice her principle even at such a crisis as the present." + +"All very proper, I have no doubt; but still, pray explain what I +confess appears somewhat strange to me at present. How does so very +delicately-minded a person reconcile herself to travelling with a perfect +stranger under such circumstances?" + +"That I can explain perfectly to you. You must know that when my darling +Loo consented to take this step, which I induced her to do with the +greatest difficulty, she made the proviso I have just mentioned; I at +once showed her that I had no maiden aunt or married sister to confide +her to at such a moment, and what was to be done? She immediately +replied, 'Have you no elderly brother officer, whose years and discretion +will put the transaction in such a light as to silence the slanderous +tongues of the world, for with such a man I am quite ready and willing to +trust myself.' You see I was hard pushed there. What could I do?--whom +could I select? Old Hayes, the paymaster, is always tipsy; Jones is +five-and-forty--but egad! I'm not so sure I'd have found my betrothed at +the end of the stage. You were my only hope; I knew I could rely upon +you. You would carry on the whole affair with tact and discretion; and +as to age, your stage experience would enable you, with a little +assistance from costume, to pass muster; besides that, I have always +represented you as the very Methuselah of the corps; and in the grey dawn +of an autumnal morning--with maiden bashfulness assisting--the scrutiny +is not likely to be a close one. So, now, your consent is alone wanting +to complete the arrangements which, before this time to-morrow, shall +have made me the happiest of mortals." + +Having expressed, in fitting terms, my full sense of obligation for the +delicate flattery with which he pictured me as "Old Lorrequer" to the +Lady, I begged a more detailed account of his plan, which I shall shorten +for my reader's sake, by the following brief expose. + +A post-chaise and four was to be in waiting at five o'clock in the +morning to convey me to Sir Alfred Jonson's residence, about twelve miles +distant. There I was to be met by a lady at the gate-lodge, who was +subsequently to accompany me to a small village on the Nore, where an old +college friend of Curzon's happened to reside, as parson, and by whom the +treaty was to be concluded. + +This was all simple and clear enough--the only condition necessary to +insure success being punctuality, particularly on the lady's part. As to +mine I readily promised my best aid and warmest efforts in my friend's +behalf. + +"There is only one thing more," said Curzon. "Louisa's younger brother +is a devilish hot-headed, wild sort of a fellow; and it would be as well, +just for precaution sake, to have your pistols along with you, if, by any +chance, he should make out what was going forward--not but that you know +if any thing serious was to take place, I should be the person to take +all that upon my hands." + +"Oh! of course--I understand," said I. Meanwhile I could not help +running over in my mind the pleasant possibilities such an adventure +presented, heartily wishing that Curzon had been content to marry by bans +or any other of the legitimate modes in use, without risking his friend's +bones. The other pros and cons of the matter, with full and accurate +directions as to the road to be taken on obtaining possession of the +lady, being all arranged, we parted, I to settle my costume and +appearance for my first performance in an old man's part, and Curzon to +obtain a short leave for a few days from the commanding officer of the +regiment. + +When we again met, which was at the mess-table, it was not without +evidence on either side of that peculiar consciousness which persons feel +who have, or think they have, some secret in common, which the world wots +not of. Curzon's unusually quick and excited manner would at once have +struck any close observer as indicating the eve of some important step, +no less than continual allusions to whatever was going on, by sly and +equivocal jokes and ambiguous jests. Happily, however, on the present +occasion, the party were otherwise occupied than watching him--being most +profoundly and learnedly engaged in discussing medicine and matters +medical with all the acute and accurate knowledge which characterises +such discussions among the non-medical public. + +The present conversation originated from some mention our senior surgeon +Fitzgerald had just made of a consultation which he was invited to attend +on the next morning, at the distance of twenty miles, and which +necessitated him to start at a most uncomfortably early hour. While he +continued to deplore the hard fate of such men as himself, so eagerly +sought after by the world, that their own hours were eternally broken in +upon by external claims, the juniors were not sparing of their mirth on +the occasion, at the expense of the worthy doctor, who, in plain truth, +had never been disturbed by a request like the present within any one's +memory. Some asserted that the whole thing was a puff, got up by Fitz. +himself, who was only going to have a day's partridge-shooting; others +hinting that it was a blind to escape the vigilance of Mrs. Fitzgerald +--a well-known virago in the regiment--while Fitz. enjoyed himself; and +a third party, pretending to sympathise with the doctor, suggested that +a hundred pounds would be the least he could possibly be offered for +such services as his on so grave an occasion. + +"No, no, only fifty," said Fitz. gravely. + +"Fifty! Why, you tremendous old humbug, you don't mean to say you'll +make fifty pounds before we are out of our beds in the morning?" cried +one. + +"I'll take your bet on it," said the doctor, who had, in this instance, +reason to suppose his fee would be a large one. + +During this discussion, the claret had been pushed round rather freely; +and fully bent, as I was, upon the adventure before me, I had taken my +share of it as a preparation. I thought of the amazing prize I was about +to be instrumental in securing for my friend--for the lady had really +thirty thousand pounds--and I could not conceal my triumph at such a +prospect of success in comparison with the meaner object of ambition. +They all seemed to envy poor Fitzgerald. I struggled with my secret for +some time--but my pride and the claret together got the better of me, and +I called out, "Fifty pounds on it, then, that before ten to-morrow +morning, I'll make a better hit of it than you--and the mess shall decide +between us afterwards as to the winner." + +"And if you will," said I, seeing some reluctance on Fitz.'s part to take +the wager, and getting emboldened in consequence, "let the judgment be +pronounced over a couple of dozen of champaigne, paid by the loser." + +This was a coup d'etat on my part, for I knew at once there were so many +parties to benefit by the bet, terminate which way it might, there could +be no possibility of evading it. My ruse succeeded, and poor Fitzgerald, +fairly badgered into a wager, the terms of which he could not in the +least comprehend, was obliged to sign the conditions inserted in the +adjutant's note-book--his greatest hope in so doing being in the quantity +of wine he had seen me drink during the evening. As for myself, the bet +was no sooner made than I began to think upon the very little chance I +had of winning it; for even supposing my success perfect in the +department allotted to me, it might with great reason be doubted what +peculiar benefit I myself derived as a counterbalance to the fee of the +doctor. For this, my only trust lay in the justice of a decision which I +conjectured would lean more towards the goodness of a practical joke than +the equity of the transaction. The party at mess soon after separated, +and I wished my friend good night for the last time before meeting him as +a bride-groom. + +I arranged every thing in order for my start. My pistol-case I placed +conspicuously before me, to avoid being forgotten in the haste of +departure; and, having ordered my servant to sit up all night in the +guard-room until he heard the carriage at the barrack-gate, threw myself +on my bed, but not to sleep. The adventure I was about to engage in +suggested to my mind a thousand associations, into which many of the +scenes I have already narrated entered. I thought how frequently I had +myself been on the verge of that state which Curzon was about to try, and +how it always happened that when nearest to success, failure had +intervened. From my very school-boy days my love adventures had the same +unfortunate abruptness in their issue; and there seemed to be something +very like a fatality in the invariable unsuccess of my efforts at +marriage. I feared, too, that my friend Curzon had placed himself in +very unfortunate hands--if augury were to be relied upon. Something will +surely happen, thought I, from my confounded ill luck, and all will be +blown up. Wearied at last with thinking I fell into a sound sleep for +about three-quarters of an hour, at the end of which I was awoke by my +servant informing me that a chaise and four were drawn up at the end of +the barrack lane. + +"Why, surely, they are too early, Stubber? It's only four o'clock." + +"Yes, sir; but they say that the road for eight miles is very bad, and +they must go it almost at a walk." + +That is certainly pleasant, thought I, but I'm in for it now, so can't +help it. + +In a few minutes I was up and dressed, and so perfectly transformed by +the addition of a brown scratch-wig and large green spectacles, and a +deep-flapped waistcoat, that my servant, on re-entering my room, could +not recognise me. I followed him now across the barrack-yard, as, with +my pistol-case under one arm and a lantern in his hand, he proceeded to +the barrack-gate. + +As I passed beneath the adjutant's window, I saw a light--the sash was +quickly thrown open, and Curzon appeared. + +"Is that you, Harry?" + +"Yes--when do you start?" + +"In about two hours. I've only eight miles to go--you have upwards of +twelve, and no time to lose. God bless you, my boy--we'll meet soon." + +"Here's the carriage, sir; this way." + +"Well, my lads, you know the road I suppose?" + +"Every inch of it, your honour's glory; we're always coming it for +doctors and 'pothecaries; they're never a week without them." + +I was soon seated, the door clapped to, and the words "all right" given, +and away we went. + +Little as I had slept during the night, my mind was too much occupied +with the adventure I was engaged in, to permit any thoughts of sleep now, +so that I had abundant opportunity afforded me of pondering over all the +bearings of the case, with much more of deliberation and caution than I +had yet bestowed upon it. One thing was certain, whether success did or +did not attend our undertaking, the risk was mine and mine only; and if +by any accident the affair should be already known to the family, I stood +a very fair chance of being shot by one of the sons, or stoned to death +by the tenantry; while my excellent friend Curzon should be eating his +breakfast with his reverend friend, and only interrupting himself in his +fourth muffin, to wonder "what could keep them;" and besides for minor +miseries will, like the little devils in Don Giovanni, thrust up their +heads among their better-grown brethren, my fifty-pound bet looked rather +blue; for even under the most favourable light considered, however Curzon +might be esteemed a gainer, it might be well doubted how far I had +succeeded better than the doctor, when producing his fee in evidence. +Well, well, I'm in for it now; but it certainly is strange, all these +very awkward circumstances never struck me so forcibly before; and after +all, it was not quite fair of Curzon to put any man forward in such a +transaction; the more so, as such a representation might be made of it at +the Horse-Guards as to stop a man's promotion, or seriously affect his +prospects for life, and I at last began to convince myself that many a +man so placed, would carry the lady off himself, and leave the adjutant +to settle the affair with the family. For two mortal hours did I conjure +up every possible disagreeable contingency that might arise. My being +mulcted of my fifty and laughed at by the mess seemed inevitable, even +were I fortunate enough to escape a duel with the fire-eating brother. +Meanwhile a thick misty rain continued to fall, adding so much to the +darkness of the early hour, that I could see nothing of the country about +me, and knew nothing of where I was. + +Troubles are like laudanum, a small dose only excites, a strong one sets +you to sleep--not a very comfortable sleep mayhap--but still it is sleep, +and often very sound sleep; so it now happened with me. I had pondered +over, weighed, and considered all the pros, cons, turnings, and windings +of this awkward predicament, till I had fairly convinced myself that I +was on the high road to a confounded scrape; and then, having established +that fact to my entire satisfaction, I fell comfortably back in the +chaise, and sunk into a most profound slumber. + +If to any of my readers I may appear here to have taken a very despondent +view of this whole affair, let him only call to mind my invariable ill +luck in such matters, and how always it had been my lot to see myself on +the fair road to success, only up to that point at which it is certain, +besides--but why explain? These are my confessions. I may not alter +what are matters of fact, and my reader must only take me with all the +imperfections of wrong motives and headlong impulses upon my head, or +abandon me at once. + +Meanwhile the chaise rolled along, and the road being better and the pace +faster, my sleep became more easy; thus, about an hour and a half after I +had fallen asleep, passed rapidly over, when the sharp turning of an +angle distended me from my leaning position, and I awoke. I started up +and rubbed my eyes; several seconds elapsed before I could think where I +was or whither going. Consciousness at last came, and I perceived that +we were driving up a thickly planted avenue. Why, confound it, they +can't have mistaken it, thought I, or are we really going up to the +house, instead of waiting at the lodge? I at once lowered the sash, and +stretching out my head, cried out, "Do you know what ye are about, lads; +is this all right?" but unfortunately, amid the rattling of the gravel +and the clatter of the horses, my words were unheard; and thinking I was +addressing a request to go faster, the villains cracked their whips, and +breaking into a full gallop, before five minutes flew over, they drew up +with a jerk at the foot of a long portico to a large and spacious +cut-stone mansion. When I rallied from the sudden check, which had nearly +thrown me through the window, I gave myself up for lost: here I was vis a +vis to the very hall-door of the man whose daughter I was about to elope +with, whether so placed by the awkwardness and blundering of the wretches +who drove me, or delivered up by their treachery, it mattered not, my +fate seemed certain; before I had time to determine upon any line of +acting in this confounded dilemma, the door was jerked open by a servant +in a sombre livery; who, protruding his head and shoulders into the +chaise, looked at me steadily for a moment, and said, "Ah! then, doctor +darlin', but ye're welcome." With the speed with which sometimes the bar +of an air long since heard, or the passing glance of an old familiar fact +can call up the memory of our very earliest childhood, bright and vivid +before us, so that one single phrase explained the entire mystery of my +present position, and I saw in one rapid glance that I had got into the +chaise intended for Dr. Fitzgerald, and was absolutely at that moment +before the hall-door of the patient. My first impulse was an honest one, +to avow the mistake and retrace my steps, taking my chance to settle with +Curzon, whose matrimonial scheme I foresaw was doomed to the untimely +fate of all those I had ever been concerned in. My next thought, how +seldom is the adage true which says "that second thoughts are best," was +upon my luckless wager; for, even supposing that Fitzgerald should follow +me in the other chaise, yet as I had the start of him, if I could only +pass muster for half an hour, I might secure the fee, and evacuate the +territory; besides that there was a great chance of Fitz's having gone on +my errand, while I was journeying on his, in which case I should be safe +from interruption. Meanwhile, heaven only could tell, what his +interference in poor Curzon's business might not involve. These serious +reflections took about ten seconds to pass through my mind, as the +grave-looking old servant proceeded to encumber himself with my cloak +and my pistol-case, remarking as he lifted the latter, "And may the Lord +grant ye won't want the instruments this time, doctor, for they say he +is better this morning;" heartily wishing amen to the benevolent prayer +of the honest domestic, for more reasons than one, I descended +leisurely, as I conjectured a doctor ought to do, from the chaise, and +with a solemn pace and grave demeanour followed him into the house. + +In the small parlour to which I was ushered, sat two gentlemen somewhat +advanced in years, who I rightly supposed were my medical confreres. One +of these was a tall, pale, ascetic-looking man, with grey hairs, and +retreating forehead, slow in speech, and lugubrious in demeanour. The +other, his antithesis, was a short, rosy-cheeked, apoplectic-looking +subject, with a laugh like a suffocating wheeze, and a paunch like an +alderman; his quick, restless eye, and full nether lip denoting more of +the bon vivant than the abstemious disciple of Aesculapius. A moment's +glance satisfied me, that if I had only these to deal with, I was safe, +for I saw that they were of that stamp of country practitioner, +half-physician, half-apothecary, who rarely come in contact with the +higher orders of their art, and then only to be dictated to, obey, and +grumble. + +"Doctor, may I beg to intrude myself, Mr. Phipps, on your notice? Dr. +Phipps or Mr. It's all one; but I have only a license in pharmacy, though +they call me doctor." + +"Surgeon Riley, sir; a very respectable practitioner," said he, waving +his hand towards his rubicund confrere. + +I at once expressed the great happiness it afforded me to meet such +highly informed and justly celebrated gentlemen; and fearing every moment +the arrival of the real Simon Pure should cover me with shame and +disgrace, begged they would afford me as soon as possible, some history +of the case we were concerned for. They accordingly proceeded to expound +in a species of duet, some curious particulars of an old gentleman who +had the evil fortune to have them for his doctors, and who laboured under +some swelling of the neck, which they differed as to the treatment of, +and in consequence of which, the aid of a third party (myself, God bless +the mark!) was requested. + +As I could by no means divest myself of the fear of Fitz.'s arrival, I +pleaded the multiplicity of my professional engagements as a reason for +at once seeing the patient; upon which I was conducted up stairs by my +two brethren, and introduced to a half-lighted chamber. In a large easy +chair sat a florid-looking old man, with a face in which pain and +habitual ill-temper had combined to absorb every expression. + +"This is the doctor of the regiment, sir, that you desired to see," said +my tall coadjutor. + +"Oh! then very well; good morning, sir. I suppose you will find out +something new the matter, for them two there have been doing so every +day this two months." + +"I trust, sir," I replied stiffly, "that with the assistance of my +learned friends, much may be done for you. Ha! hem! So this is the +malady. Turn your head a little to that side;" here an awful groan +escaped the sick man, for I, it appears, had made considerable impression +upon rather a delicate part, not unintentionally I must confess; for as I +remembered Hoyle's maxim at whist, "when in doubt play a trump," so I +thought it might be true in physic, when posed by a difficulty to do a +bold thing also. "Does that hurt you, sir?" said I in a soothing and +affectionate tone of voice. "Like the devil," growled the patient. "And +here?" said I. "Oh! oh! I can't bear it any longer." "Oh! I perceive," +said I, "the thing is just as I expected." Here I raised my eyebrows, +and looked indescribably wise at my confreres. + +"No aneurism, doctor," said the tall one. + +"Certainly not." + +"Maybe," said the short man, "maybe it's a stay-at-home-with-us tumour +after all;" so at least he appeared to pronounce a confounded technical, +which I afterwards learned was "steatomatous;" conceiving that my rosy +friend was disposed to jeer at me, I gave him a terrific frown, and +resumed, "this must not be touched." + +"So you won't operate upon it," said the patient. + +"I would not take a thousand pounds and do so," I replied. "Now if you +please gentlemen," said I, making a step towards the door, as if to +withdraw for consultation; upon which they accompanied me down stairs to +the breakfast-room. As it was the only time in my life I had performed +in this character, I had some doubts as to the propriety of indulging a +very hearty breakfast appetite, not knowing if it were unprofessional to +eat; but from this doubt my learned friends speedily relieved me, by the +entire devotion which they bestowed for about twenty minutes upon ham, +rolls, eggs, and cutlets, barely interrupting these important occupations +by sly allusions to the old gentleman's malady, and his chance of +recovery. + +"Well, doctor," said the pale one, as at length he rested from his +labours, "what are we to do?" + +"Ay," said the other, "there's the question." + +"Go on," said I, "go on as before; I can't advise you better." Now, this +was a deep stroke of mine; for up to the present moment I do not know +what treatment they were practising; but it looked a shrewd thing to +guess it, and it certainly was civil to approve of it. + +"So you think that will be best." + +"I am certain--I know nothing better," I answered. + +"Well, I'm sure, sir, we have every reason to be gratified for the very +candid manner you have treated us. Sir, I'm your most obedient servant," +said the fat one. + +"Gentlemen, both your good healths and professional success also:" here +I swallowed a petit verre of brandy; thinking all the while there were +worse things than the practice of physic. + +"I hope you are not going," said one, as my chaise drew up at the door. + +"Business calls me," said I, "and I can't help it." + +"Could not you manage to see our friend here again, in a day or two?" +said the rosy one. + +"I fear it will be impossible," replied I; "besides I have a notion he +may not desire it." + +"I have been commissioned to hand you this," said the tall doctor, with a +half sigh, as he put a check into my hand. + +I bowed slightly, and stuffed the crumpled paper with a half careless air +into my waistcoat pocket, and wishing them both every species of +happiness and success, shook hands four times with each, and drove off; +never believing myself safe 'till I saw the gate-lodge behind me, and +felt myself flying on the road to Kilkenny at about twelve miles Irish an +hour. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +THE ELOPEMENT. + +It was past two o'clock when I reached the town. On entering the +barrack-yard, I perceived a large group of officers chatting together, +and every moment breaking into immoderate fits of laughter. I went over, +and immediately learned the source of their mirth, which was this: No +sooner had it been known that Fitzgerald was about to go to a distance, +on a professional call, than a couple of young officers laid their heads +together, and wrote an anonymous note to Mrs. Fitz. who was the very +dragon of jealousy, informing her, that her husband had feigned the whole +history of the patient and consultation as an excuse for absenting +himself on an excursion of gallantry; and that if she wished to satisfy +herself of the truth of the statement, she had only to follow him in the +morning, and detect his entire scheme; the object of these amiable +friends being to give poor Mrs. Fitz. a twenty miles' jaunt, and confront +her with her injured husband at the end of it. + +Having a mind actively alive to suspicions of this nature, the worthy +woman made all her arrangements for a start, and scarcely was the chaise +and four, with her husband, out of the town, than was she on the track of +it, with a heart bursting with jealousy, and vowing vengeance to the +knife, against all concerned in this scheme to wrong her. + +So far the plan of her persecutors had perfectly succeeded; they saw her +depart, on a trip of, as they supposed, twenty miles, and their whole +notions of the practical joke were limited to the eclaircissement that +must ensue at the end. Little, however, were they aware how much more +nearly the suspected crime, was the position of the poor doctor to turn +out; for, as by one blunder I had taken his chaise, so he, without any +inquiry whatever, had got into the one intended for me; and never awoke +from a most refreshing slumber, till shaken by the shoulder by the +postillion, who whispered in his ear--"here we are sir; this is the +gate." + +"But why stop at the gate? Drive up the avenue, my boy." + +"His honor told me, sir, not for the world to go farther than the lodge; +nor to make as much noise as a mouse." + +"Ah! very true. He may be very irritable, poor man! Well stop here, and +I'll get out." + +Just as the doctor had reached the ground, a very smart-looking soubrette +tripped up, and said to him-- + +"Beg pardon, sir; but you are the gentleman from the barrack, sir?" + +"Yes, my dear," said Fitz., with a knowing look at the pretty face of the +damsel, "what can I do for you?" + +"Why sir, my mistress is here in the shrubbery; but she is so nervous, +and so frightened, I don't know how she'll go through it." + +"Ah! she's frightened, poor thing; is she? Oh! she must keep up her +spirits, while there's life there's hope." + +"Sir." + +"I say, my darling, she must not give way. I'll speak to her a little. +Is not he rather advanced in life?" + +"Oh, Lord! no sir. Only two-and-thirty, my mistress tells me?" + +"Two-and-thirty! Why I thought he was above sixty." + +"Above sixty! Law! sir. You have a bright fancy. This is the +gentleman, ma'am. Now sir, I'll just slip aside for a moment, and let +you talk to her." + +"I am grieved, ma'am, that I have not the happiness to make your +acquaintance under happier circumstances." + +"I must confess, sir--though I am ashamed"-- + +"Never be ashamed, ma'am. Your grief, although, I trust causeless, does +you infinite honor." + +"Upon my soul she is rather pretty," said the doctor to himself here. + +"Well, sir! as I have the most perfect confidence in you, from all I have +heard of you, I trust you will not think me abrupt in saying that any +longer delay here is dangerous." + +"Dangerous! Is he in so critical a state as that then?" + +"Critical a state, sir! Why what do you mean?" + +"I mean, ma'am, do you think, then, it must be done to-day?" + +"Of course I do, sir, and I shall never leave the spot without your +assuring me of it." + +"Oh! in that case make your mind easy. I have the instruments in the +chaise." + +"The instruments in the chaise! Really, sir, if you are not jesting--I +trust you don't think this is a fitting time for such--I entreat of you +to speak more plainly and intelligibly." + +"Jesting, ma'am! I'm incapable of jesting at such a moment." + +"Ma'am! ma'am! I see one of the rangers, ma'am, at a distance; so don't +lose a moment, but get into the chaise at once." + +"Well, sir, let us away; for I have now gone too far to retract." + +"Help my mistress into the chaise, sir. Lord! what a man it is." + +A moment more saw the poor doctor seated beside the young lady, while the +postillions plied whip and spur with their best energy; and the road flew +beneath them. Meanwhile the delay caused by this short dialogue, enabled +Mrs. Fitz.'s slower conveyance to come up with the pursuit, and her +chaise had just turned the angle of the road as she caught a glimpse of a +muslin dress stepping into the carriage with her husband. + +There are no words capable of conveying the faintest idea of the feelings +that agitated Mrs. Fitz. at this moment. The fullest confirmation to her +worst fears was before her eyes--just at the very instant when a doubt +was beginning to cross over her mind that it might have been merely a +hoax that was practised on her, and that the worthy Doctor was innocent +and blameless. As for the poor Doctor himself, there seemed little +chance of his being enlightened as to the real state of matters; for from +the moment the young lady had taken her place in the chaise, she had +buried her face in her hands, and sobbed continually. Meanwhile he +concluded that they were approaching the house by some back entrance, to +avoid noise and confusion, and waited, with due patience, for the +journey's end. + +As, however, her grief continued unabated, Fitz. at length began to think +of the many little consolatory acts he had successfully practised in his +professional career, and was just insinuating some very tender speech on +the score of resignation, with his head inclined towards the weeping lady +beside him, when the chaise of Mrs. Fitz. came up along-side, and the +postillions having yielded to the call to halt, drew suddenly up, +displaying to the enraged wife the tableau we have mentioned. + +"So, wretch," she screamed rather than spoke, "I have detected you at +last." + +"Lord bless me! Why it is my wife." + +"Yes, villain! your injured, much-wronged wife! And you, madam, may I +ask what you have to say for thus eloping with a married man?" + +"Shame! My dear Jemima," said Fitz. "how can you possibly permit your +foolish jealousy so far to blind your reason. Don't you see I am going +upon a professional call?" + +"Oh! you are. Are you? Quite professional, I'll be bound." + +"Oh, sir! Oh, madam! I beseech you, save me from the anger of my +relatives, and the disgrace of exposure. Pray bring me back at once." + +"Why, my God! ma'am, what do you mean? You are not gone mad, as well as +my wife." + +"Really, Mr. Fitz." said Mrs. F. "this is carrying the joke too far. +Take your unfortunate victim--as I suppose she is such--home to her +parents, and prepare to accompany me to the barrack; and if there be law +and justice in--" + +"Well! may the Lord in his mercy preserve my senses, or you will both +drive me clean mad." + +"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" sobbed the young lady, while Mrs. Fitzgerald +continued to upbraid at the top of her voice, heedless of the disclaimers +and protestations of innocence poured out with the eloquence of despair, +by the poor doctor. Matters were in this state, when a man dressed in a +fustian jacket, like a groom, drove up to the side of the road, in a +tax-cart; he immediately got down, and tearing open the door of the +doctor's chaise, lifted out the young lady, and deposited her safely in +his own conveyance, merely adding-- + +"I say, master, you're in luck this morning, that Mr. William took the +lower road; for if he had come up with you instead of me, he'd blow the +roof off your scull, that's all." + +While these highly satisfactory words were being addressed to poor Fitz. +Mrs. Fitzgerald had removed from her carriage to that of her husband, +perhaps preferring four horses to two; or perhaps she had still some +unexplained views of the transaction, which might as well be told on the +road homeward. + +Whatever might have been the nature of Mrs. F.'s dissertation, nothing is +known. The chaise containing these turtle doves arrived late at night at +Kilkenny, and Fitz. was installed safely in his quarters before any one +knew of his having come back. The following morning he was reported ill; +and for three weeks he was but once seen, and at that time only at his +window, with a flannel night-cap on his head, looking particularly pale, +and rather dark under one eye. + +As for Curzon--the last thing known of him that luckless morning, was his +hiring a post-chaise for the Royal Oak, from whence he posted to Dublin, +and hastened on to England. In a few days we learned that the adjutant +had exchanged into a regiment in Canada; and to this hour there are not +three men in the __th who know the real secret of that morning's +misadventures. + + + + +EBOOK EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +Air of one who seeks to consume than enjoy his time +Always a pleasure felt in the misfortunes of even our best friend +Chew over the cud of his misfortune +Daily association sustains the interest of the veriest trifles +Dear, dirty Dublin--Io te salute +Every misfortune has an end at last +Fighting like devils for conciliation +Half pleased and whole frightened with the labour before him +Hating each other for the love of God +He first butthers them up, and then slithers them down +He was very much disguised in drink +Least important functionaries took the greatest airs upon them +Might almost excite compassion even in an enemy +Misfortune will find you out, if ye were hid in a tay chest +Profoundly and learnedly engaged in discussing medicine +Rather a dabbler in the "ologies" +Recovered as much of their senses as the wine had left them +Seems ever to accompany dullness a sustaining power of vanity +The tone of assumed compassion + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of The Confessions of Harry Lorrequer, +Vol. 2, by Charles James Lever + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HARRY LORREQUER, VOL. 2 *** + +***** This file should be named 5235.txt or 5235.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/3/5235/ + +Produced by Mary Munarin and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**EBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These EBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers***** + + +Title: The Confessions of Harry Lorrequer, v2 + +Author: Charles James Lever (1806-1872) + +Release Date: March, 2004 [EBook #5235] +[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule] +[This file was first posted on June 10, 2002] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + + + + + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF LORREQUER, V2 *** + + + +This eBook was produced by Mary Munarin +and David Widger <widger@cecomet.net> + + + +[NOTE: There is a short list of bookmarks, or pointers, at the end of the +file for those who may wish to sample the author's ideas before making an +entire meal of them. D.W.] + + + + + +THE CONFESSIONS OF HARRY LORREQUER, v2 + +[By Charles James Lever (1806-1872)] + + +Dublin + +MDCCCXXXIX. + + + +Volume 2. (Chapters XI. to XVII.) + + +Contents: + +CHAPTER XI +Cheltenham--Matrimonial Adventure--Showing how to make love for a friend + +CHAPTER XII +Dublin--Tom O'Flaherty--A Reminiscence of the Peninsula + +CHAPTER XIII +Dublin--The Boarding-house--Select Society + +CHAPTER XIV +The Chase + +CHAPTER XV +Mems Of the North Cork + +CHAPTER XVI +Theatricals + +CHAPTER XVI* (The chapter # is a repeat in the print copy.) +The Wager + +CHAPTER XVII +The Elopement + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +CHELTENHAM--MATRIMONIAL ADVENTURE--SHOWING HOW TO MAKE LOVE FOR A FRIEND. + +It was a cold raw evening in February as I sat in the coffee-room of the +Old Plough in Cheltenham, "Lucullus c. Lucullo"--no companion save my +half-finished decanter of port. I had drawn my chair to the corner of +the ample fire-place, and in a half dreamy state was reviewing the +incidents of my early life, and like most men who, however young, have +still to lament talents misapplied, opportunities neglected, profitless +labour, and disastrous idleness. The dreary aspect of the large and ill- +lighted room--the close-curtained boxes--the unsocial look of every thing +and body about suited the habit of my soul, and I was on the verge of +becoming excessively sentimental--the unbroken silence, where several +people were present, had also its effect upon me, and I felt oppressed +and dejected. So sat I for an hour; the clock over the mantel ticked +sharply on--the old man in the brown surtout had turned in his chair, +and now snored louder--the gentleman who read the Times had got the +Chronicle, and I thought I saw him nodding over the advertisements. The +father who, with a raw son of about nineteen, had dined at six, sat still +and motionless opposite his offspring, and only breaking the silence +around by the grating of the decanter as he posted it across the table. +The only thing denoting active existence was a little, shrivelled man, +who, with spectacles on his forehead, and hotel slippers on his feet, +rapidly walked up and down, occasionally stopping at his table to sip a +little weak-looking negus, which was his moderate potation for two hours. +I have been particular in chronicling these few and apparently trivial +circumstances, for by what mere trifles are our greatest and most +important movements induced--had the near wheeler of the Umpire been only +safe on his fore legs, and while I write this I might--but let me +continue. The gloom and melancholy which beset me, momentarily +increased. But three months before, and my prospects presented every +thing that was fairest and brightest--now all the future was dark and +dismal. Then my best friends could scarcely avoid envy at my fortune-- +now my reverses might almost excite compassion even in an enemy. It was +singular enough, and I should not like to acknowledge it, were not these +Confessions in their very nature intended to disclose the very penetralia +of my heart; but singular it certainly was--and so I have always felt it +since, when reflecting on it--that although much and warmly attached to +Lady Jane Callonby, and feeling most acutely what I must call her +abandonment of me, yet, the most constantly recurring idea of my mind on +the subject was, what will the mess say--what will they think at head- +quarters?--the raillery, the jesting, the half-concealed allusion, the +tone of assumed compassion, which all awaited me, as each of my comrades +took up his line of behaving towards me, was, after all, the most +difficult thing to be borne, and I absolutely dreaded to join my +regiment, more thoroughly than did ever schoolboy to return to his labour +on the expiration of his holidays. I had framed to myself all manner of +ways of avoiding this dread event; sometimes I meditated an exchange into +an African corps--sometimes to leave the army altogether. However, I +turned the affair over in my mind--innumerable difficulties presented +themselves, and I was at last reduced to that stand-still point, in +which, after continual vacillation, one only waits for the slightest +impulse of persuasion from another, to adopt any, no matter what +suggestion. In this enviable frame of mind I sat sipping my wine, and +watching the clock for that hour at which, with a safe conscience, I +might retire to my bed, when the waiter roused me by demanding if my name +was Mr. Lorrequer, for that a gentleman having seen my card in the bar, +had been making inquiry for the owner of it all through the hotel. + +"Yes," said I, "such is my name; but I am not acquainted with any one +here, that I can remember." + +"The gentleman has ony arrived an hour since by the London mail, sir, and +here he is." + +At this moment, a tall, dashing-looking, half-swaggering fellow, in a +very sufficient envelope of box-coats, entered the coffee-room, and +unwinding a shawl from his throat, showed me the honest and manly +countenance of my friend Jack Waller, of the __th dragoons, with whom I +had served in the Peninsula. + +Five minutes sufficed for Jack to tell me that he was come down on a bold +speculation at this unseasonable time for Cheltenham; that he was quite +sure his fortune was about to be made in a few weeks at farthest, and +what seemed nearly as engrossing a topic--that he was perfectly famished, +and desired a hot supper, "de suite." + +Jack having despatched this agreeable meal with a traveller's appetite, +proceeded to unfold his plans to me as follows: + +There resided somewhere near Cheltenham, in what direction he did not +absolutely know, an old East India colonel, who had returned from a long +career of successful staff-duties and government contracts, with the +moderate fortune of two hundred thousand. He possessed, in addition, a +son and a daughter; the former, being a rake and a gambler, he had long +since consigned to his own devices, and to the latter he had avowed his +intention of leaving all his wealth. That she was beautiful as an angel +--highly accomplished--gifted--agreeable--and all that, Jack, who had +never seen her, was firmly convinced; that she was also bent resolutely +on marrying him, or any other gentleman whose claims were principally the +want of money, he was quite ready to swear to; and, in fact, so assured +did he feel that "the whole affair was feasible," (I use his own +expression,) that he had managed a two months' leave, and was come down +express to see, make love to, and carry her off at once. + +"But," said I, with difficulty interrupting him, "how long have you known +her father?" + +"Known him? I never saw him." + +"Well, that certainly is cool; and how do you propose making his +acquaintance. Do you intend to make him a "particeps criminis" in the +elopement of his own daughter, for a consideration to be hereafter paid +out of his own money?" + +"Now, Harry, you've touched upon the point in which, you must confess, +my genius always stood unrivalled--acknowledge, if you are not dead to +gratitude--acknowledge how often should you have gone supperless to bed +in our bivouacs in the Peninsula, had it not been for the ingenuity of +your humble servant--avow, that if mutton was to be had, and beef to be +purloined, within a circuit of twenty miles round, our mess certainly +kept no fast days. I need not remind you of the cold morning on the +retreat from Burgos, when the inexorable Lake brought five men to the +halberds for stealing turkeys, that at the same moment, I was engaged in +devising an ox-tail soup, from a heifer brought to our tent in jack-boots +the evening before, to escape detection by her foot tracks." + +"True, Jack, I never questioned your Spartan talent; but this affair, +time considered, does appear rather difficult." + +"And if it were not, should I have ever engaged in it? No, no, Harry. I +put all proper value upon the pretty girl, with her two hundred thousand +pounds pin-money. But I honestly own to you, the intrigue, the scheme, +has as great charm for me as any part of the transaction." + +"Well, Jack, now for the plan, then!" + +"The plan! oh, the plan. Why, I have several; but since I have seen you, +and talked the matter over with you, I have begun to think of a new mode +of opening the trenches." + +"Why, I don't see how I can possibly have admitted a single new ray of +light upon the affair." + +"There are you quite wrong. Just hear me out without interruption, and +I'll explain. I'll first discover the locale of this worthy colonel-- +'Hydrabad Cottage' he calls it; good, eh?--then I shall proceed to make a +tour of the immediate vicinity, and either be taken dangerously ill in +his grounds, within ten yards of the hall-door, or be thrown from my gig +at the gate of his avenue, and fracture my skull; I don't much care +which. Well, then, as I learn that the old gentleman is the most kind, +hospitable fellow in the world, he'll admit me at once; his daughter will +tend my sick couch--nurse--read to me; glorious fun, Harry. I'll make +fierce love to her; and now, the only point to be decided is whether, +having partaken of the colonel's hospitality so freely, I ought to carry +her off, or marry her with papa's consent. You see there is much to be +said for either line of proceeding." + +"I certainly agree with you there; but since you seem to see your way so +clearly up to that point, why, I should advise you leaving that an 'open +question,' as the ministers say, when they are hard pressed for an +opinion." + +"Well, Harry, I consent; it shall remain so. Now for your part, for I +have not come to that." + +"Mine," said I, in amazement; "why how can I possibly have any character +assigned to me in the drama?" + +"I'll tell you, Harry, you shall come with me in the gig in the capacity +of my valet." + +"Your what?" said I, horror-struck at his impudence. + +"Come, no nonsense, Harry, you'll have a glorious time of it--shall +choose as becoming a livery as you like--and you'll have the whole female +world below stairs dying for you; and all I ask for such an opportunity +vouchsafed to you is to puff me, your master, in every possible shape and +form, and represent me as the finest and most liberal fellow in the +world, rolling in wealth, and only striving to get rid of it." + +The unparalleled effrontery of Master Jack, in assigning to me such an +office, absolutely left me unable to reply to him; while he continued to +expatiate upon the great field for exertion thus open to us both. At +last it occurred to me to benefit by an anecdote of a something similar +arrangement, of capturing, not a young lady, but a fortified town, by +retorting Jack's proposition. + +"Come," said I, "I agree, with one only difference--I'll be the master +and you the man on this occasion." + +To my utter confusion, and without a second's consideration, Waller +grasped my hand, and cried, "done." Of course I laughed heartily at the +utter absurdity of the whole scheme, and rallied my friend on his +prospects of Botany Bay for such an exploit; never contemplating in the +most remote degree the commission of such extravagance. + +Upon this Jack, to use the expressive French phrase, "pris la parole," +touching with a master-like delicacy on my late defeat among the +Callonbys, (which up to this instant I believed him in ignorance of;) he +expatiated upon the prospect of my repairing that misfortune, and +obtaining a fortune considerably larger; he cautiously abstained from +mentioning the personal charms of the young lady, supposing, from my +lachrymose look, that my heart had not yet recovered the shock of Lady +Jane's perfidy, and rather preferred to dwell upon the escape such a +marriage could open to me from the mockery of the mess-table, the jesting +of my brother officers, and the life-long raillery of the service, +wherever the story reached. + +The fatal facility of my disposition, so often and so frankly chronicled +in these Confessions--the openness to be led whither any one might take +the trouble to conduct me--the easy indifference to assume any character +which might be pressed upon me, by chance, accident, or design, assisted +by my share of three flasks of champagne, induced me first to listen-- +then to attend to--soon after to suggest--and finally, absolutely to +concur in and agree to a proposal, which, at any other moment, I must +have regarded as downright insanity. As the clock struck two, I had just +affixed my name to an agreement, for Jack Waller had so much of method in +his madness, that, fearful of my retracting in the morning, he had +committed the whole to writing, which, as a specimen of Jack's legal +talents I copy from the original document now in my posession. + + "The Plough, Cheltenham, Tuesday night or morning, two o'clock--be + the same more or less. I, Harry Lorrequer, sub. in his Majesty's + __th regiment of foot, on the one part; and I, John Waller, commonly + called Jack Waller, of the __th light dragoons on the other; hereby + promise and agree, each for himself, and not one for the other, to + the following conditions, which are hereafter subjoined, to wit, the + aforesaid Jack Waller is to serve, obey, and humbly follow the + aforementioned Harry Lorrequer, for the space of one month of four + weeks; conducting himself in all respects, modes, ways, manners, as + his, the aforesaid Lorrequer's own man, skip, valet, or saucepan-- + duly praising, puffing, and lauding the aforesaid Lorrequer, and in + every way facilitating his success to the hand and fortune of--" + +"Shall we put in her name, Harry, here?" said Jack. + +"I think not; we'll fill it up in pencil; that looks very knowing." + + "--at the end of which period, if successful in his suit, the + aforesaid Harry Lorrequer is to render to the aforesaid Waller the + sum of ten thousand pounds three and a half per cent. with a + faithful discharge in writing for his services, as may be. If, on + the other hand, and which heaven forbid, the aforesaid Lorrequer + fail in obtaining the hand of _____, that he will evacuate the + territory within twelve hours, and repairing to a convenient spot + selected by the aforesaid Waller, then and there duly invest himself + with a livery chosen by the aforesaid Waller--" + +"You know, each man uses his choice in this particular," said Jack. + + "--and for the space of four calendar weeks, be unto the aforesaid + Waller, as his skip, or valet, receiving, in the event of success, + the like compensation, as aforesaid, each promising strictly to + maintain the terms of this agreement, and binding, by a solemn + pledge, to divest himself of every right appertaining to his former + condition, for the space of time there mentioned." + +We signed and sealed it formally, and finished another flask to its +perfect ratification. This done, and after a hearty shake hands, we +parted and retired for the night. + +The first thing I saw on waking the following morning was Jack Waller +standing beside my bed, evidently in excellent spirits with himself and +all the world. + +"Harry, my boy, I have done it gloriously," said he. "I only remembered +on parting with you last night, that one of the most marked features in +our old colonel's character is a certain vague idea, he has somewhere +picked up, that he has been at some very remote period of his history a +most distinguished officer. This notion, it appears, haunts his mind, +and he absolutely believes he has been in every engagement from the seven +years war, down to the Battle of Waterloo. You cannot mention a siege he +did not lay down the first parallel for, nor a storming party where he +did not lead the forlorn hope; and there is not a regiment in the +service, from those that formed the fighting brigade of Picton, down to +the London trainbands, with which, to use his own phrase, he has not +fought and bled. This mania of heroism is droll enough, when one +considers that the sphere of his action was necessarily so limited; but +yet we have every reason to be thankful for the peculiarity, as you'll +say, when I inform you that this morning I despatched a hasty messenger +to his villa, with a most polite note, setting forth that a Mr. +Lorrequer--ay, Harry, all above board--there is nothing like it--'as Mr. +Lorrequer, of the __th, was collecting for publication, such materials as +might serve to commemorate the distinguished achievements of British +officers, who have, at any time, been in command--he most respectfully +requests an interview with Colonel Kamworth, whose distinguished +services, on many gallant occasions, have called forth the unqualified +approval of his majesty's government. Mr. Lorrequer's stay is +necessarily limited to a few days, as he proceeds from this to visit Lord +Anglesey; and, therefore, would humbly suggest as early a meeting as may +suit Colonel K.'s convenience.' What think you now? Is this a master- +stroke or not?" + +"Why, certainly, we are in for it now," said I, drawing a deep sigh. +"But Jack, what is all this? Why, you're in livery already." + +I now, for the first time, perceived that Waller was arrayed in a very +decorous suit of dark grey, with cord shorts and boots, and looked a very +knowing style of servant for the side of a tilbury. + +"You like it, don't you? Well, I should have preferred something a +little more showy myself; but as you chose this last night, I, of course, +gave way, and after all, I believe you're right, it certainly is neat." + +"Did I choose it last night? I have not the slightest recollection of +it." + +"Yes, you were most particular about the length of the waistcoat, and the +height of the cockade, and you see I have followed your orders tolerably +close; and now, adieu to sweet equality for the season, and I am your +most obedient servant for four weeks--see that you make the most of it." + +While we were talking, the waiter entered with a note addressed to me, +which I rightly conjectured could only come from Colonel Kamworth. It +ran thus-- + + "Colonel Kamworth feels highly flattered by the polite attention of + Mr. Lorrequer, and will esteem it a particular favour if Mr. L. can + afford him the few days his stay in this part of the country will + permit, by spending them at Hydrabad Cottage. Any information as to + Colonel Kamworth's services in the four quarters of the globe, he + need not say, is entirely at Mr. L.'s disposal. + + "Colonel K. dines at six precisely." + +When Waller had read the note through, he tossed his hat up in the air, +and, with something little sort of an Indian whoop, shouted out-- + +"The game is won already. Harry, my man, give me the check for the ten +thousand: she is your own this minute." + +Without participating entirely in Waller's exceeding delight, I could not +help feeling a growing interest in the part I was advertised to perform, +and began my rehearsal with more spirit than I thought I should have been +able to command. + +That same evening, at the same hour as that in which on the preceding I +sat lone and comfortless by the coffee-room fire, I was seated opposite a +very pompous, respectable-looking old man, with a large, stiff queue of +white hair, who pressed me repeatedly to fill my glass and pass the +decanter. The room was a small library, with handsomely fitted shelves; +there were but four chairs, but each would have made at least three of +any modern one; the curtains of deep crimson cloth effectually secured +the room from draught; and the cheerful wood fire blazing on the hearth, +which was the only light in the apartment, gave a most inviting look of +comfort and snugness to every thing. This, thought I, is all excellent; +and however the adventure ends, this is certainly pleasant, and I never +tasted better Madeira. + +"And so, Mr. Lorrequer, you heard of my affair at Cantantrabad, when I +took the Rajah prisoner?" + +"Yes," said I; "the governor-general mentioned the gallant business the +very last time I dined at Government-House." + +"Ah, did he? kind of him though. Well, sir, I received two millions of +rupees on the morning after, and a promise of ten more if I would permit +him to escape--but no--I refused flatly." + +"Is it possible; and what did you do with the two millions?--sent them, +of course--." + +"No, that I didn't; the wretches know nothing of the use of money. No, +no; I have them this moment in good government security. + +"I believe I never mentioned to you the storming of Java. Fill yourself +another glass, and I'll describe it all to you, for it will be of +infinite consequence that a true narrative of this meets the public eye-- +they really are quire ignorant of it. Here now is Fort Cornelius, and +there is the moat, the sugar-basin is the citadel, and the tongs is the +first trench, the decanter will represent the tall tower towards the +south-west angle, and here, the wine glass--this is me. Well, it was a +little after ten at night that I got the order from the general in +command to march upon this plate of figs, which was an open space before +Fort Cornelius, and to take up my position in front of the fort, and with +four pieces of field artillery--these walnuts here--to be ready to open +my fire at a moment's warning upon the sou-west tower; but, my dear sir, +you have moved the tower; I thought you were drinking Madeira. As I said +before, to open my fire upon the sou-west tower, or if necessary protect +the sugar tongs, which I explained to you was the trench. Just at the +same time the besieged were making preparations for a sortie to occupy +this dish of almonds and raisins--the high ground to the left of my +position--put another log on the fire, if you please, sir, for I cannot +see myself--I thought I was up near the figs, and I find myself down near +the half moon." + +"It is past nine," said a servant entering the room; "shall I take the +carriage for Miss Kamworth, sir?" This being the first time the name of +the young lady was mentioned since my arrival, I felt somewhat anxious to +hear more of her, in which laudable desire I was not however to be +gratified, for the colonel, feeling considerably annoyed by the +interruption, dismissed the servant by saying-- + +"What do you mean, sirrah, by coming in at this moment; don't you see I +am preparing for the attack on the half moon? Mr. Lorrequer, I beg your +pardon for one moment, this fellow has completely put me out; and +besides, I perceive, you have eaten the flying artillery, and in fact, my +dear sir, I shall be obliged to lay down the position again." + +With this praiseworthy interest the colonel proceeded to arrange the +"materiel" of our dessert in battle array, when the door was suddenly +thrown open, and a very handsome girl, in a most becoming demi toilette, +sprung into the room, and either not noticing, or not caring, that a +stranger was present, threw herself into the old gentleman's arms, with a +degree of empressement, exceedingly vexatious for any third and +unoccupied party to witness. + +"Mary, my dear," said the colonel, completely forgetting Java and Fort +Cornelius at once, "you don't perceive I have a gentleman to introduce to +you, Mr. Lorrequer, my daughter, Miss Kamworth," here the young lady +courtesied somewhat stiffly, and I bowed reverently; and we all resumed +places. I now found out that Miss Kamworth had been spending the +preceding four or five days at a friend's in the neighbourhood; and had +preferred coming home somewhat unexpectedly, to waiting for her own +carriage. + +My confessions, if recorded verbatim, from the notes of that four weeks' +sojourn, would only increase the already too prolix and uninteresting +details of this chapter in my life; I need only say, that without falling +in love with Mary Kamworth, I felt prodigiously disposed thereto; she was +extremely pretty; had a foot and ancle to swear by, the most silvery +toned voice I almost ever heard, and a certain witchery and archness of +manner that by its very tantalizing uncertainty continually provoked +attention, and by suggesting a difficulty in the road to success, +imparted a more than common zest in the pursuit. She was little, a very +little blue, rather a dabbler in the "ologies," than a real disciple. +Yet she made collections of minerals, and brown beetles, and +cryptogamias, and various other homeopathic doses of the creation, +infinitessimally small in their subdivision; in none of which I felt any +interest, save in the excuse they gave for accompanying her in her pony- +phaeton. This was, however, a rare pleasure, for every morning for at +least three or four hours I was obliged to sit opposite the colonel, +engaged in the compilation of that narrative of his "res gestae," which +was to eclipse the career of Napoleon and leave Wellington's laurels but +a very faded lustre in comparison. In this agreeable occupation did I +pass the greater part of my day, listening to the insufferable prolixity +of the most prolix of colonels, and at times, notwithstanding the +propinquity of relationship which awaited us, almost regretting that he +was not blown up in any of the numerous explosions his memoir abounded +with. I may here mention, that while my literary labour was thus +progressing, the young lady continued her avocations as before--not +indeed with me for her companion--but Waller; for Colonel Kamworth, +"having remarked the steadiness and propriety of my man, felt no scruple +in sending him out to drive Miss Kamworth," particularly as I gave him a +most excellent character for every virtue under heaven. + +I must hasten on.--The last evening of my four weeks was drawing to a +close. Colonel Kamworth had pressed me to prolong my visit, and I only +waited for Waller's return from Cheltenham, whither I had sent him for my +letters, to make arrangements with him to absolve me from my ridiculous +bond, and accept the invitation. We were sitting round the library fire, +the colonel, as usual, narrating his early deeds and hair-breadth +'scapes. Mary, embroidering an indescribable something, which every +evening made its appearance but seemed never to advance, was rather in +better spirits than usual, at the same time her manner was nervous and +uncertain; and I could perceive by her frequent absence of mind, that her +thoughts were not as much occupied by the siege of Java as her worthy +father believed them. Without laying any stress upon the circumstance, +I must yet avow that Waller's not having returned from Cheltenham gave me +some uneasiness, and I more than once had recourse to the bell to demand +if "my servant had come back yet?" At each of these times I well +remember the peculiar expression of Mary's look, the half embarrassment, +half drollery, with which she listened to the question, and heard the +answer in the negative. Supper at length made its appearance; and I +asked the servant who waited, "if my man had brought me any letters," +varying my inquiry to conceal my anxiety; and again, I heard he had not +returned. Resolving now to propose in all form for Miss Kamworth the +next morning, and by referring the colonel to my uncle Sir Guy, smooth, +as far as I could, all difficulties, I wished them good night and +retired; not, however, before the colonel had warned me that they were to +have an excursion to some place in the neighbourhood the next day; and +begging that I might be in the breakfast-room at nine, as they were to +assemble there from all parts, and start early on the expedition. I was +in a sound sleep the following morning, when a gentle tap at the door +awoke me; at the same time I recognised the voice of the colonel's +servant, saying, "Mr. Lorrequer, breakfast is waiting, sir." + +I sprung up at once, and replying, "Very well, I shall come down," +proceeded to dress in all haste, but to my horror, I could not discern a +vestige of my clothes; nothing remained of the habiliments I possessed +only the day before--even my portmanteau had disappeared. After a most +diligent search, I discovered on a chair in a corner of the room, a small +bundle tied up in a handkerchief, on opening which I perceived a new suit +of livery of the most gaudy and showy description and lace; of which +colour was also the coat, which had a standing collar and huge cuffs, +deeply ornamented with worked button holes and large buttons. As I +turned the things over, without even a guess of what they could mean, for +I was scarcely well awake, I perceived a small slip of paper fastened to +the coat sleeve, upon which, in Waller's hand-writing, the following few +words were written: + + "The livery I hope will fit you, as I am rather particular about how + you'll look; get quietly down to the stable-yard and drive the + tilbury into Cheltenham, where wait for further orders from your + kind master, + + "John Waller." + +The horrible villany of this wild scamp actually paralysed me. That I +should put on such ridiculous trumpery was out of the question; yet what +was to be done? I rung the bell violently; "Where are my clothes, +Thomas?" + +"Don't know, sir; I was out all the morning, sir, and never seed them." + +"There, Thomas, be smart now and send them up, will you?" Thomas +disappeared, and speedily returned to say, "that my clothes could not be +found any where; no one knew any thing of them, and begged me to come +down, as Miss Kamworth desired him to say that they were still waiting, +and she begged Mr. Lorrequer would not make an elaborate toilette, as +they were going on a country excursion." An elaborate toilette! I wish +to heaven she saw my costume; no, I'll never do it. "Thomas, you must +tell the ladies and the colonel, too, that I feel very ill; I am not able +to leave my bed; I am subject to attacks--very violent attacks in my +head, and must always be left quiet and alone--perfectly alone--mind me, +Thomas--for a day at least." Thomas departed; and as I lay distracted in +my bed, I heard, from the breakfast room, the loud laughter of many +persons evidently enjoying some excellent joke; could it be me they were +laughing at; the thought was horrible. + +"Colonel Kamworth wishes to know if you'd like the doctor, sir," said +Thomas, evidently suppressing a most inveterate fit of laughing, as he +again appeared at the door. + +"No, certainly not," said I, in a voice of thunder; "what the devil are +you grinning at?" + +"You may as well come, my man; you're found out; they all know it now," +said the fellow with an odious grin. + +I jumped out of the bed, and hurled the boot-jack at him with all my +strength; but had only the satisfaction to hear him go down stairs +chuckling at his escape; and as he reached the parlour, the increase of +mirth and the loudness of the laughter told me that he was not the only +one who was merry at my expense. Any thing was preferable to this; down +stairs I resolved to go at once--but how; a blanket I thought would not +be a bad thing, and particularly as I had said I was ill; I could at +least get as far as Colonel Kamworth's dressing-room, and explain to him +the whole affair; but then if I was detected en route, which I was almost +sure to be, with so many people parading about the house. No; that would +never do, there was but one alternative, and dreadful, shocking as it +was, I could not avoid it, and with a heavy heart, and as much +indignation at Waller for what I could not but consider a most scurvy +trick, I donned the yellow inexpressibles; next came the vest, and last +the coat, with its broad flaps and lace excrescenses, fifty times more +absurd and merry-andrew than any stage servant who makes off with his +table and two chairs amid the hisses and gibes of an upper gallery. + +If my costume leaned towards the ridiculous, I resolved that my air and +bearing should be more than usually austere and haughty; and with +something of the stride of John Kemble in Coriolanus, I was leaving my +bed-room, when I accidentally caught a view of myself in the glass; and +so mortified, so shocked was I, that I sank into a chair, and almost +abandoned my resolution to go on; the very gesture I had assumed for +vindication only increased the ridicule of my appearance; and the strange +quaintness of the costume totally obliterated every trace of any +characteristic of the wearer, so infernally cunning was its contrivance. +I don't think that the most saturnine martyr of gout and dyspepsia could +survey me without laughing. With a bold effort, I flung open my door, +hurried down the stairs, and reached the hall. The first person I met +was a kind of pantry boy, a beast only lately emancipated from the +plough, and destined after a dozen years' training as a servant, again to +be turned back to his old employ for incapacity; he grinned horribly for +a minute, as I passed, and then in a half whisper said-- + +"Maester, I advise ye run for it; they're a waiting for ye with the +constables in the justice's room!" I gave him a look of contemptuous +superiority at which he grinned the more, and passed on. + +Without stopping to consider where I was going, I opened the door of the +breakfast-parlour, and found myself in one plunge among a room full of +people. My first impulse was to retreat again; but so shocked was I, at +the very first thing that met my sight, that I was perfectly powerless to +do any thing. Among a considerable number of people who stood in small +groups round the breakfast-table, I discerned Jack Waller, habited in a +very accurate black frock and dark trowsers, supporting upon his arm-- +shall I confess--no less a person than Mary Kamworth, who leaned on him +with the familiarity of an old acquaintance, and chatted gaily with him. +The buzz of conversation which filled the apartment when I entered, +ceased for a second of deep silence; and then followed a peal of laughter +so long and so vociferous, that in my momentary anger I prayed some one +might burst a blood-vessel, and frighten the rest. I put on a look of +indescribable indignation, and cast a glance of what I intended should be +most withering scorn on the assembly; but alas! my infernal harlequin +costume ruined the effect; and confound me, if they did not laugh the +louder. I turned from one to the other with the air of a man who marks +out victims for his future wrath; but with no better success; at last, +amid the continued mirth of the party, I made my way towards where Waller +stood absolutely suffocated with laughter, and scarcely able to stand +without support. + +"Waller," said I, in a voice half tremulous with rage and shame together; +"Waller, if this rascally trick be yours, rest assured no former term of +intimacy between us shall--" + +Before I could conclude the sentence, a bustle at the door of the room, +called every attention in that direction; I turned and beheld Colonel +Kamworth, followed by a strong posse comitatus of constables, tipstaffs, +&c., armed to the teeth, and evidently prepared for vigorous battle. +Before I was able to point out my woes to my kind host, he burst out +with-- + +"So you scoundrel, you impostor, you damned young villain, pretending to +be a gentleman, you get admission into a man's house and dine at his +table, when your proper place had been behind his chair.--How far he +might have gone, heaven can tell, if that excellent young gentleman, his +master, had not traced him here this morning--but you'll pay dearly for +it, you young rascal, that you shall." + +"Colonel Kamworth," said I, drawing myself proudly up, (and I confess +exciting new bursts of laughter,) "Colonel Kamworth, for the expressions +you have just applied to me, a heavy reckoning awaits you; not, however, +before another individual now present shall atone for the insult he has +dared to pass upon me." Colonel Kamworth's passion at this declaration +knew no bounds; he cursed and swore absolutely like a madman, and vowed +that transportation for life would be a mild sentence for such iniquity. + +Waller at length wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes, interposed +between the colonel and his victim, and begged that I might be forgiven; +"for indeed my dear sir," said he, "the poor fellow is of rather +respectable parentage, and such is his taste for good society that he'd +run any risk to be among his betters, although, as in the present case +the exposure brings a rather heavy retribution, however, let me deal with +him. Come, Henry," said he, with an air of insufferable superiority, +"take my tilbury into town, and wait for me at the George, I shall +endeavour to make your peace with my excellent friend, Colonel Kamworth; +and the best mode you can contribute to that object, is to let us have no +more of your society." + +I cannot attempt to picture my rage at these words; however, escape from +this diabolical predicament was my only present object; and I rushed from +the room, and springing into the tilbury at the door, drove down the +avenue at the rate of fifteen miles per hour, amid the united cheers, +groans, and yells of the whole servants' hall, who seemed to enjoy my +"detection," even more than their betters. Meditating vengeance, sharp, +short, and decisive on Waller, the colonel, and every one else in the +infernal conspiracy against me, for I utterly forgot every vestige of our +agreement in the surprise by which I was taken, I reached Cheltenham. +Unfortunately I had no friend there to whose management I could commit +the bearing of a message, and was obliged as soon as I could procure +suitable costume, to hasten up to Coventry where the __th dragoons were +then quartered. I lost no time in selecting an adviser, and taking the +necessary steps to bring Master Waller to a reckoning; and on the third +morning we again reached Cheltenham, I thirsting for vengeance, and +bursting still with anger; not so, my friend, however, who never could +discuss the affair with common gravity, and even ventured every now and +then on a sly allusion to my yellow shorts. As we passed the last toll- +bar, a travelling carriage came whirling by with four horses at a +tremendous pace; and as the morning was frosty, and the sun scarcely +risen, the whole team were smoking and steaming so as to be half +invisible. We both remarked on the precipitancy of the party; for as our +own pace was considerable, the two vehicles passed like lightning. We +had scarcely dressed, and ordered breakfast, when a more than usual +bustle in the yard called us to the window; the waiter who came in at the +same instant told us that four horses were ordered out to pursue a young +lady who had eloped that morning with an officer. + +"Ah, our friend in the green travelling chariot, I'll be bound," said my +companion; but as neither of us knew that part of the country, and I was +too engrossed by my own thoughts, I never inquired further. As the +chaise in chase drove round to the door, I looked to see what the pursuer +was like; and as he issued from the inn, recognised my "ci devant host," +Colonel Kamworth. I need not say my vengeance was sated at once; he had +lost his daughter, and Waller was on the road to be married. Apologies +and explanations came in due time, for all my injuuries and sufferings; +and I confess, the part which pleased me most was, that I saw no more of +Jack for a considerable period after; he started for the continent, where +he has lived ever since on a small allowance, granted by his father-in- +law, and never paying me the stipulated sum, as I had clearly broken the +compact. + +So much for my second attempt at matrimony; one would suppose that such +experience should be deemed sufficient to show that my talent did not lie +in that way. And here I must rest for the present, with the additional +confession, that so strong was the memory of that vile adventure, that I +refused a lucrative appointment under Lord Anglesey's government, when I +discovered that his livery included "yellow plush breeches;" to have such +"souvenirs" flitting around and about me, at dinner and elsewhere, would +have left me without a pleasure in existence. + + + + +CHAPTER XII. + +DUBLIN--TOM O'FLAHERTY--A REMINISCENCE OF THE PENINSULA. + +Dear, dirty Dublin--"Io te salute"--how many excellent things might be +said of thee, if, unfortunately, it did not happen that the theme is an +old one, and has been much better sung than it can ever now be said. +With thus much of apology for no more lengthened panegyric, let me beg of +my reader, if he be conversant with that most moving melody--the Groves +of Blarney--to hum the following lines, which I heard shortly after my +landing, and which well express my own feelings for the "loved spot." + + Oh! Dublin, sure, there is no doubtin', + Beats every city upon the say. + 'Tis there you'll see O'Connell spouting, + And Lady Morgan making "tay." + For 'tis the capital of the greatest nation + With finest peasantry on a fruitful sod, + Fighting like devils for conciliation, + And hating each other for the love of God. + +Once more, then, I found myself in the "most car-drivingest city," en +route to join on the expiration of my leave. Since my departure, my +regiment had been ordered to Kilkenny, that sweet city, so famed in song +for its "fire without smoke;" but which, were its character in any way to +be derived from its past or present representative, might certainly, with +more propriety, reverse the epithet, and read "smoke without fire." My +last communication from head-quarters was full of nothing but gay doings +--balls, dinners, dejeunes, and more than all, private theatricals, +seemed to occupy the entire attention of every man of the gallant __th. +I was earnestly entreated to come, without waiting for the end of my +leave--that several of my old "parts were kept open for me;" and that, in +fact, the "boys of Kilkenny" were on tip-toe in expectation of my +arrival, as though his Majesty's mail were to convey a Kean or a Kemble. +I shuddered a little as I read this, and recollected "my last appearance +on any stage," little anticipating, at the moment, that my next was to be +nearly as productive of the ludicrous, as time and my confessions will +show. One circumstance, however, gave me considerable pleasure. It was +this:--I took it for granted that, in the varied and agreeable +occupations which so pleasurable a career opened, my adventures in love +would escape notice, and that I should avoid the merciless raillery my +two failures, in six months, might reasonably be supposed to call forth. +I therefore wrote a hurried note to Curzon, setting forth the great +interest all their proceedings had for me, and assuring him that my stay +in town should be as short as possible, for that I longed once more to +"strut the monarch of the boards," and concluded with a sly paragraph, +artfully intended to act as a "paratonnere" to the gibes and jests which +I dreaded, by endeavouring to make light of my matrimonial speculations. +The postscript ran somewhat thus--"Glorious fun have I had since we met; +but were it not that my good angel stood by me, I should write these +hurried lines with a wife at my elbow; but luck, that never yet deserted, +is still faithful to your old friend, H. Lorrequer." + +My reader may suppose--for he is sufficiently behind the scenes with me-- +with what feelings I penned these words; yet any thing was better than +the attack I looked forward to: and I should rather have changed into the +Cape Rifle Corps, or any other army of martyrs, than meet my mess with +all the ridicule my late proceedings exposed me to. Having disburthened +my conscience of this dread, I finished my breakfast, and set out on a +stroll through the town. + +I believe it is Coleridge who somewhere says, that to transmit the first +bright and early impressions of our youth, fresh and uninjured to a +remote period of life, constitutes one of the loftiest prerogatives of +genius. If this be true, and I am not disposed to dispute it--what a +gifted people must be the worthy inhabitants of Dublin; for I scruple not +to affirm, that of all cities of which we have any record in history, +sacred or profane, there is not one so little likely to disturb the +tranquil current of such reminiscences. "As it was of old, so is it +now," enjoying a delightful permanency in all its habits and customs, +which no changes elsewhere disturb or affect; and in this respect I defy +O'Connell and all the tail to refuse it the epithet of "Conservative." + +Had the excellent Rip Van Winkle, instead of seeking his repose upon the +cold and barren acclivities of the Kaatskills--as we are veritably +informed by Irving--but betaken himself to a comfortable bed at +Morrison's or the Bilton, not only would he have enjoyed a more agreeable +siesta, but, what the event showed of more consequence, the pleasing +satisfaction of not being disconcerted by novelty on his awakening. It +is possible that the waiter who brought him the water to shave, for Rip's +beard, we are told, had grown uncommonly long--might exhibit a little of +that wear and tear to which humanity is liable from time; but had he +questioned him as to the ruling topics--the proper amusements of the day +--he would have heard, as he might have done twenty years before, that +there was a meeting to convert Jews at the Rotunda; another to rob +parsons at the Corn Exchange; that the Viceroy was dining with the +Corporation, and congratulating them on the prosperity of Ireland, while +the inhabitants were regaled with a procession of the "broad ribbon +weavers," who had not weaved, heaven knows when! This, with an +occasional letter from Mr. O'Connell, and now and then a duel in the +"Phaynix," constituted the current pastimes of the city. Such, at least, +were they in my day; and though far from the dear locale, an odd flitting +glance at the newspapers induces me to believe that matters are not much +changed since. + +I rambled through the streets for some hours, revolving such thoughts as +pressed upon me involuntarily by all I saw. The same little grey +homunculus that filled my "prince's mixture" years before, stood behind +the counter at Lundy Foot's, weighing out rappee and high toast, just as +I last saw him. The fat college porter, that I used to mistake in my +school-boy days for the Provost, God forgive me! was there as fat and as +ruddy as heretofore, and wore his Roman costume of helmet and plush +breeches, with an air as classic. The old state trumpeter at the castle, +another object of my youthful veneration, poor "old God save the King" as +we used to call him, walked the streets as of old; his cheeks indeed, a +little more lanky and tendinous; but then there had been many viceregal +changes, and the "one sole melody his heart delighted in," had been more +frequently called in requisition, as he marched in solemn state with the +other antique gentlemen in tabards. As I walked along, each moment some +old and early association being suggested by the objects around, I felt +my arm suddenly seized. I turned hastily round, and beheld a very old +companion in many a hard-fought field and merry bivouack. Tom O'Flaherty +of the 8th. Poor Tom was sadly changed since we last met, which was at +a ball in Madrid. He was then one of the best-looking fellows of his +"style" I ever met,--tall and athletic, with the easy bearing of a man of +the world, and a certain jauntiness that I have never seen but in +Irishmen who have mixed much in society. + +There was also a certain peculiar devil-may-care recklessness about the +self-satisfied swagger of his gait, and the free and easy glance of his +sharp black eye, united with a temper that nothing could ruffle, and a +courage nothing could daunt. With such qualities as these, he had been +the prime favourite of his mess, to which he never came without some +droll story to relate, or some choice expedient for future amusement. +Such had Tom once been; now he was much altered, and though the quiet +twinkle of his dark eye showed that the spirit of fun within was not +"dead, but only sleeping,"--to myself, who knew something of his history, +it seemed almost cruel to awaken him to any thing which might bring him +back to the memory of by-gone days. A momentary glance showed me that he +was no longer what he had been, and that the unfortunate change in his +condition, the loss of all his earliest and oldest associates, and his +blighted prospects, had nearly broken a heart that never deserted a +friend, nor quailed before an enemy. Poor O'Flaherty was no more the +delight of the circle he once adorned; the wit that "set the table in a +roar" was all but departed. He had been dismissed the service!!--The +story is a brief one:-- + +In the retreat from Burgos, the __ Light Dragoons, after a most fatiguing +day's march, halted at the wretched village of Cabenas. It had been +deserted by the inhabitants the day before, who, on leaving, had set it +on fire; and the blackened walls and fallen roof-trees were nearly all +that now remained to show where the little hamlet had once stood. + +Amid a down-pour of rain, that had fallen for several hours, drenched to +the skin, cold, weary, and nearly starving, the gallant 8th reached this +melancholy spot at nightfall, with little better prospect of protection +from the storm than the barren heath through which their road led might +afford them. Among the many who muttered curses, not loud but deep, on +the wretched termination to their day's suffering, there was one who kept +up his usual good spirits, and not only seemed himself nearly regardless +of the privations and miseries about him, but actually succeeded in +making the others who rode alongside as perfectly forgetful of their +annoyances and troubles as was possible under such circumstances. Good +stories, joking allusions to the more discontented ones of the party, +ridiculous plans for the night's encampment, followed each other so +rapidly, that the weariness of the way was forgotten; and while some were +cursing their hard fate, that ever betrayed them into such misfortunes, +the little group round O'Flaherty were almost convulsed with laughter at +the wit and drollery of one, over whom if the circumstances had any +influence, they seemed only to heighten his passion for amusement. In +the early part of the morning he had captured a turkey, which hung +gracefully from his holster on one side, while a small goat-skin of +Valencia wine balanced it on the other. These good things were destined +to form a feast that evening, to which he had invited four others; that +being, according to his most liberal calculation, the greatest number to +whom he could afford a reasonable supply of wine. + +When the halt was made, it took some time to arrange the dispositions for +the night; and it was nearly midnight before all the regiment had got +their billets and were housed, even with such scanty accommodation as the +place afforded. Tom's guests had not yet arrived, and he himself was +busily engaged in roasting the turkey before a large fire, on which stood +a capacious vessel of spiced wine, when the party appeared. A very +cursory "reconnaissance" through the house, one of the only ones +untouched in the village, showed that from the late rain it would be +impossible to think of sleeping in the lower story, which already showed +signs of being flooded; they therefore proceeded in a body up stairs, and +what was their delight to find a most comfortable room, neatly furnished +with chairs, and a table; but, above all, a large old-fashioned bed, an +object of such luxury as only an old campaigner can duly appreciate. The +curtains were closely tucked in all round, and, in their fleeting and +hurried glance, they felt no inclination to disturb them, and rather +proceeded to draw up the table before the hearth, to which they speedily +removed the fire from below; and, ere many minutes, with that activity +which a bivouack life invariably teaches, their supper smoked before +them, and five happier fellows did not sit down that night within a large +circuit around. Tom was unusually great; stories of drollery unlocked +before, poured from him unceasingly, and what with his high spirits to +excite them, and the reaction inevitable after a hard day's severe march, +the party soon lost the little reason that usually sufficed to guide +them, and became as pleasantly tipsy as can well be conceived. However, +all good things must have an end, and so had the wine-skin. Tom had +placed it affectionately under his arm like a bag-pipe and failed, with +even a most energetic squeeze, to extract a drop; there was no nothing +for it but to go to rest, and indeed it seemed the most prudent thing for +the party. + +The bed became accordingly a subject of grave deliberation; for as it +could only hold two, and the party were five, there seemed some +difficulty in submitting their chances to lot, which all agreed was the +fairest way. While this was under discussion, one of the party had +approached the contested prize, and, taking up the curtains, proceeded to +jump in--when, what was his astonishment to discover that it was already +occupied. The exclamation of surprise he gave forth soon brought the +others to his side; and to their horror, drunk as they were, they found +that the body before them was that of a dead man, arrayed in all the +ghastly pomp of a corpse. A little nearer inspection showed that he had +been a priest, probably the Padre of the village; on his head he had a +small velvet skull cap, embroidered with a cross, and his body was +swathed in a vestment, such as priests usually wear at the mass; in his +hand he held a large wax taper, which appeared to have burned only half +down, and probably been extinguished by the current of air on opening +the door. After the first brief shock which this sudden apparition had +caused, the party recovered as much of their senses as the wine had +left them, and proceeded to discuss what was to be done under the +circumstances; for not one of them ever contemplated giving up a bed +to a dead priest, while five living men slept on the ground. After much +altercation, O'Flaherty, who had hitherto listened without speaking, +interrupted the contending parties, saying, "stop, lads, I have it." + +"Come," said one of them, "let us hear Tom's proposal." + +"Oh," said he, with difficulty steadying himself while he spoke, "we'll +put him to bed with old Ridgeway, the quarter-master!" + +The roar of loud laughter that followed Tom's device was renewed again +and again, till not a man could speak from absolute fatigue. There was +not a dissentient voice. Old Ridgeway was hated in the corps, and a +better way of disposing of the priest and paying off the quarter-master +could not be thought of. + +Very little time sufficed for their preparations; and if they had been +brought up under the Duke of Portland himself, they could not have +exhibited a greater taste for a "black job." The door of the room was +quickly taken from its hinges, and the priest placed upon it at full +length; a moment more sufficed to lift the door upon their shoulders, +and, preceded by Tom, who lit a candle in honour of being, as he said, +"chief mourner," they took their way through the camp towards Ridgeway's +quarters. When they reached the hut where their victim lay, Tom ordered +a halt, and proceeded stealthily into the house to reconnoitre. The old +quarter-master he found stretched on his sheep-skin before a large fire, +the remnants of an ample supper strewed about him, and two empty bottles +standing on the hearth--his deep snoring showed that all was safe, and +that no fears of his awaking need disturb them. His shako and sword lay +near him, but his sabertasche was under his head. Tom carefully withdrew +the two former; and hastening to his friends without, proceeded to +decorate the priest with them; expressing, at the same time, considerable +regret that he feared it might wake Ridgeway, if he were to put the +velvet skull-cap on him for a night-cap. + +Noiselessly and steadily they now entered, and proceeded to put down +their burden, which, after a moment's discussion, they agreed to place +between the quarter-master and the fire, of which, hitherto, he had +reaped ample benefit. This done, they stealthily retreated, and hurried +back to their quarters, unable to speak with laughter at the success of +their plot, and their anticipation of Ridgeway's rage on awakening in the +morning. + +It was in the dim twilight of a hazy morning, that the bugler of the 8th +aroused the sleeping soldiers from their miserable couches, which, +wretched as they were, they, nevertheless, rose from reluctantly--so +wearied and fatigued had they been by the preceding day's march; not one +among the number felt so indisposed to stir as the worthy quarter-master; +his peculiar avocations had demanded a more than usual exertion on his +part, and in the posture he had laid down at night, he rested till +morning, without stirring a limb. Twice the reveille had rung through +the little encampment, and twice the quarter-master had essayed to open +his eyes, but in vain; at last he made a tremendous effort, and sat bolt +upright on the floor, hoping that the sudden effort might sufficiently +arouse him; slowly his eyes opened, and the first thing they beheld was +the figure of the dead priest, with a light cavalry helmet on his head, +seated before him. Ridgeway, who was "bon Catholique," trembled in every +joint--it might be a ghost, it might be a warning, he knew not what to +think--he imagined the lips moved, and so overcome with terror was he at +last, that he absolutely shouted like a maniac, and never cased till the +hut was filled with officers and men, who hearing the uproar ran to his +aid--the surprise of the poor quarter-master at the apparition, was +scarcely greater than that of the beholders--no one was able to afford +any explanation of the circumstance, though all were assured that it must +have been done in jest--the door upon which the priest had been conveyed, +afforded the clue--they had forgotten to restore it to its place-- +accordingly the different billets were examined, and at last O'Flaherty +was discovered in a most commodious bed, in a large room without a door, +still fast asleep, and alone; how and when he had parted from his +companions, he never could precisely explain, though he has since +confessed it was part of his scheme to lead them astray in the village, +and then retire to the bed, which he had determined to appropriate to his +sole use. + +Old Ridgeway's rage knew no bounds; he absolutely foamed with passion, +and in proportion as he was laughed at his choler rose higher; had this +been the only result, it had been well for poor Tom, but unfortunately +the affair got to be rumoured through the country--the inhabitants of the +village learned the indignity with which the Padre had been treated; they +addressed a memorial to Lord Wellington--inquiry was immediately +instituted--O'Flaherty was tried by court martial, and found guilty; +nothing short of the heaviest punishment that could be inflicted under +the circumstances would satisfy the Spaniards, and at that precise period +it was part of our policy to conciliate their esteem by every means in +our power. The commander-in-chief resolved to make what he called an +"example," and poor O'Flaherty--the life and soul of his regiment--the +darling of his mess, was broke, and pronounced incapable of ever serving +his Majesty again. Such was the event upon which my poor friend's +fortune in life seemed to hinge--he returned to Ireland, if not entirely +broken-hearted, so altered that his best friends scarcely knew him; his +"occupation was gone;" the mess had been his home; his brother officers +were to him in place of relatives, and he had lost all. His after life +was spent in rambling from one watering place to another, more with the +air of one who seeks to consume than enjoy his time; and with such a +change in appearance as the alteration in his fortune had effected, he +now stood before me, but altogether so different a man, that but for the +well-known tones of a voice that had often convulsed me with laughter, I +should scarcely have recognised him. + +"Lorrequer, my old friend, I never thought of seeing you here--this is +indeed a piece of good luck." + +"Why, Tom? You surely knew that the __ were in Ireland, didn't you?" + +"To be sure. I dined with them only a few days ago, but they told me you +were off to Paris, to marry something superlatively beautiful, and most +enormously rich, the daughter of a duke, if I remember right; but certes, +they said your fortune was made, and I need not tell you, there was not a +man among them better pleased that I was to hear it." + +"Oh! they said so, did they? Droll dogs--always quizzing--I wonder you +did not perceive the hoax--eh--very good, was it not?" This I poured out +in short broken sentences, blushing like scarlet, and fidgeting like a +school girl with downright nervousness. + +"A hoax! devilish well done too,"--said Tom, "for old Carden believed +the whole story, and told me that he had obtained a six months' leave for +you to make your 'com.' and, moreover, said that he had got a letter from +the nobleman, Lord _____ confound his name." + +"Lord Grey, is it?" said I, with a sly look at Tom. + +"No, my dear friend," said he drily, "it was not Lord Grey--but to +continue--he had got a letter from him, dated from Paris, stating his +surprise that you had never joined them there, according to promise, and +that they knew your cousin Guy, and a great deal of other matter I can't +remember--so what does all this mean? Did you hoax the noble Lord as +well as the Horse Guards, Harry?" + +This was indeed a piece of news for me; I stammered out some ridiculous +explanation, and promised a fuller detail. Could it be that I had done +the Callonbys injustice, and that they never intended to break off my +attention to Lady Jane--that she was still faithful, and that of all +concerned I alone had been to blame. Oh! how I hoped this might be the +case; heavily as my conscience might accuse, I longed ardently to forgive +and deal mercifully with myself. Tom continued to talk about indifferent +matters, as these thoughts flitted through my mind; perceiving at last +that I did not attend, he stopped suddenly and said-- + +"Harry, I see clearly that something has gone wrong, and perhaps I can +make a guess at the mode too: but however, you can do nothing about it +now; come and dine with me to-day, and we'll discuss the affair together +after dinner; or if you prefer a 'distraction,' as we used to say in +Dunkerque, why then I'll arrange something fashionable for your evening's +amusement. Come, what say you to hearing Father Keogh preach, or would +you like a supper at the Carlingford, or perhaps you prefer a soiree chez +Miladi; for all of these Dublin affords--all three good in their way, and +very intellectual." + +"Well, Tom, I'm yours; but I should prefer your dining with me; I am at +Bilton's; we'll have our cutlet quite alone, and--" + +"And be heartily sick of each other, you were going to add. No, no, +Harry; you must dine with me; I have some remarkably nice people to +present you to--six is the hour--sharp six--number ___ Molesworth-street, +Mrs. Clanfrizzle's--easily find it--large fanlight over the door--huge +lamp in the hall, and a strong odour of mutton broth for thirty yards on +each side of the premises--and as good luck would have it, I see old Daly +the counsellor, as they call him, he's the very man to get to meet you, +you always liked a character, eh!" + +Saying this, O'Flaherty disengaged himself from my arm, and hurried +across the street towards a portly middle-aged looking gentleman, with +the reddest face I ever beheld. After a brief but very animated +colloquy, Tom returned, and informed that that all was right; he had +secured Daly. + +"And who is Daly?" said I, inquiringly, for I was rather interested in +hearing what peculiar qualification as a diner-out the counsellor might +lay claim to, many of Tom's friends being as remarkable for being the +quizzed as the quizzers. + +"Daly," said he, "is the brother of a most distinguished member of the +Irish bar, of which he himself is also a follower, bearing however, no +other resemblance to the clever man than the name, for as assuredly as +the reputation of the one is inseparably linked with success, so +unerringly is the other coupled with failure, and strange to say, that +the stupid man is fairly convinced that his brother owes all his success +to him, and that to his disinterested kindness the other is indebted for +his present exalted station. Thus it is through life; there seems ever +to accompany dullness a sustaining power of vanity, that like a life- +buoy, keeps a mass afloat whose weight unassisted would sink into +obscurity. Do you know that my friend Denis there imagines himself the +first man that ever enlightened Sir Robert Peel as to Irish affairs; and, +upon my word, his reputation on this head stands incontestably higher +than on most others." + +"You surely cannot mean that Sir Roert Peel ever consulted with, much +less relied upon, the statements of such a person, as you described you +friend Denis to be?" + +"He did both--and if he was a little puzzled by the information, +the only disgrace attaches to a government that send men to rule over +us unacquainted with our habits of thinking, and utterly ignorant of the +language--ay, I repeat it--but come, you shall judge for yourself; the +story is a short one, and fortunately so, for I must hasten home to give +timely notice of your coming to dine with me. When the present Sir +Robert Peel, then Mr. Peel, came over here, as secretary to Ireland, +a very distinguished political leader of the day invited a party to meet +him at dinner, consisting of men of different political leanings; among +whom were, as may be supposed, many members of the Irish bar; the elder +Daly was too remarkable a person to be omitted, but as the two brothers +resided together, there was a difficulty about getting him--however, he +must be had, and the only alternative that presented itself was adopted +--both were invited. When the party descended to the dining-room, +by one of those unfortunate accidents, which as the proverb informs us +occasionally take place in the best regulated establishments, the wrong +Mr. Daly got placed beside Mr. Peel, which post of honor had been +destined by the host for the more agreeable and talented brother. +There was now no help for it; and with a heart somewhat nervous for the +consequences of the proximity, the worthy entertainer sat down to do the +honors as best he might; he was consoled during dinner by observing +that the devotion bestowed by honest Denis on the viands before him +effectually absorbed his faculties, and thereby threw the entire of +Mr. Peel's conversation towards the gentleman on his other flank. +This happiness was like most others, destined to be a brief one. +As the dessert made its appearance, Mr. Peel began to listen with some +attention to the conversation of the persons opposite; with one of whom +he was struck most forcibly--so happy a power of illustration, so vivid a +fancy, such logical precision in argument as he evinced, perfectly +charmed and surprised him. Anxious to learn the name of so gifted an +individual, he turned towards his hitherto silent neighbour and demanded +who he was. + +"'Who is he, is it?' said Denis, hesitatingly, as if he half doubted such +extent of ignorance as not to know the person alluded to. + +"Mr. Peel bowed in acquiescence. + +"'That's Bushe!' said Denis, giving at the same time the same sound to +the vowel, u, as it obtains when occurring in the word 'rush.' + +"'I beg pardon,' said Mr. Peel, 'I did not hear.' + +"'Bushe!' replied Denis, with considerable energy of tone. + +"'Oh, yes! I know,' said the secretary, 'Mr. Bushe, a very distinguished +member of your bar, I have heard.' + +"'Faith, you may say that!' said Denis, tossing off his wine at what he +esteemed a very trite observation. + +"'Pray,' said Mr. Peel, again returning to the charge, though certainly +feeling not a little surprised at the singular laconicism of his +informant, no less than the mellifluous tones of an accent then perfectly +new to him. 'Pray, may I ask, what is the peculiar character of Mr. +Bushe's eloquence? I mean of course, in his professional capacity.' + +"'Eh!' said Denis, 'I don't comprehend you exactly.' + +"'I mean,' said Mr. Peel, 'in one word, what's his forte?' + +"'His forte!' + +"'I mean what his peculiar gift consists in--' + +"'Oh, I perceave--I have ye now--the juries!' + +"'Ah! addressing a jury.' + +"'Ay, the juries.' + +"'Can you oblige me by giving me any idea of the manner in which he +obtains such signal success in this difficult branch of eloquence.' + +"'I'll tell ye,' said Denis, leisurely finishing his glass, and smacking +his lips, with the air of a man girding up his loins for a mighty effort, +'I'll tell ye--well, ye see the way he has is this,'--here Mr. Peel's +expectation rose to the highest degree of interest,--'the way he has is +this--he first butthers them up, and then slithers them down! that's all, +devil a more of a secret there's in it.'" + +How much reason Denis had to boast of imparting early information to the +new secretary I leave my English readers to guess; my Irish ones I may +trust to do him ample justice. + +My friend now left me to my own devices to while away the hours till time +to dress for dinner. Heaven help the gentleman so left in Dublin, say I. +It is, perhaps, the only city of its size in the world, where there is no +lounge--no promenade. Very little experience of it will convince you +that it abounds in pretty women, and has its fair share of agreeable men; +but where are they in the morning? I wish Sir Dick Lauder, instead of +speculating where salmon spent the Christmas holidays, would apply his +most inquiring mind to such a question as this. True it is, however, +they are not to be found. The squares are deserted--the streets are very +nearly so--and all that is left to the luckless wanderer in search of the +beautiful, is to ogle the beauties of Dame-street, who are shopkeepers in +Grafton-street, or the beauties of Grafton-street, who are shopkeepers in +Dame-street. But, confound it, how cranky I am getting--I must be +tremendously hungry. True, it's past six. So now for my suit of sable, +and then to dinner. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + +DUBLIN--THE BOARDING-HOUSE--SELECT SOCIETY. + +Punctual to my appointment with O'Flaherty, I found myself a very few +minutes after six o'clock at Mrs. Clanfrizzle's door. My very +authoritative summons at the bell was answered by the appearance of a +young, pale-faced invalid, in a suit of livery the taste of which bore a +very unpleasant resemblance to the one I so lately figured in. It was +with considerable difficulty I persuaded this functionary to permit my +carrying my hat with me to the drawing-room, a species of caution on my +part--as he esteemed it--savouring much of distrust. This point however, +I carried, and followed him up a very ill-lighted stair to the drawing- +room; here I was announced by some faint resemblance to my real name, +but sufficiently near to bring my friend Tom at once to meet me, who +immediately congratulated me on my fortune in coming off so well, for +that the person who preceded me, Mr. Jones Blennerhasset, had been just +announced as Mr. Blatherhasit--a change the gentleman himself was not +disposed to adopt--"But come along, Harry, while we are waiting for Daly, +let me make you known to some of our party; this, you must know, is a +boarding-house, and always has some capital fun--queerest people you ever +met--I have only one hint--cut every man, woman, and child of them, if +you meet them hereafter--I do it myself, though I have lived here these +six months." Pleasant people, thought I, these must be, with whom such a +line is advisable, much less practicable. + +"Mrs. Clanfrizzle, my friend Mr. Lorrequer; thinks he'll stay the summer +in town. Mrs. Clan--, should like him to be one of us." This latter was +said sotto voce, and was a practice he continued to adopt in presenting +me to his several friends through the room. + +Miss Riley, a horrid old fright, in a bird of paradise plume, and corked +eyebrows, gibbetted in gilt chains and pearl ornaments, and looking as +the grisettes say, "superbe en chrysolite"--"Miss Riley, Captain +Lorrequer, a friend I have long desired to present to you--fifteen +thousand a-year and a baronetcy, if he has sixpence"--sotto again. +"Surgeon M'Culloch--he likes the title," said Tom in a whisper--"Surgeon, +Captain Lorrequer. By the by, lest I forget it, he wishes to speak to +you in the morning about his health; he is stopping at Sandymount for the +baths; you could go out there, eh!" The tall thing in green spectacles +bowed, and acknowledged Tom's kindness by a knowing touch of the elbow. +In this way he made the tour of the room for about ten minutes, during +which brief space, I was according to the kind arrangements of +O'Flaherty, booked as a resident in the boarding-house--a lover to at +least five elderly, and three young ladies--a patient--a client--a second +in a duel to a clerk in the post-office--and had also volunteered +(through him always) to convey, by all of his Majesty's mails, as many +parcels, packets, band-boxes, and bird-cages, as would have comfortably +filled one of Pickford's vans. All this he told me was requisite to my +being well received, though no one thought much of any breach of compact +subsequently, except Mrs. Clan--herself. The ladies had, alas! been +often treated vilely before; the doctor had never had a patient; and as +for the belligerent knight of the dead office, he'd rather die than fight +any day. + +The last person to whom my friend deemed it necessary to introduce me, +was a Mr. Garret Cudmore, from the Reeks of Kerry, lately matriculated to +all the honors of freshmanship in the Dublin university. This latter was +a low-sized, dark-browed man, with round shoulders, and particularly long +arms, the disposal of which seemed sadly to distress him. He possessed +the most perfect brogue I ever listened to; but it was difficult to get +him to speak, for on coming up to town some weeks before, he had been +placed by some intelligent friend at Mrs. Clanfrizzle's establishment, +with the express direction to mark and thoroughly digest as much as he +could of the habits and customs of the circle about him, which he was +rightly informed was the very focus of good breeding and haut ton; but +on no account, unless driven thereto by the pressure of sickness, +or the wants of nature, to trust himself with speech, which, in his +then uninformed state, he was assured would inevitably ruin him +among his fastidiously cultivated associates. + +To the letter and the spirit of the despatch he had received, the worthy +Garret acted rigidly, and his voice was scarcely ever known to transgress +the narrow limits prescribed by his friends. In more respects that one, +was this a good resolve; for so completely had he identified himself with +college habits, things, and phrases, that whenever he conversed, he +became little short of unintelligible to the vulgar--a difficulty not +decreased by his peculiar pronunciation. + +My round of presentation was just completed, when the pale figure in +light blue livery announced Counsellor Daly and dinner, for both came +fortunately together. Taking the post of honour, Miss Riley's arm, I +followed Tom, who I soon perceived ruled the whole concern, as he led +the way with another ancient vestal in black stain and bugles. The long +procession wound its snake-like length down the narrow stair, and into +the dining-room, where at last we all got seated; and here let me briefly +vindicate the motives of my friend--should any unkind person be found to +impute to his selection of a residence, any base and grovelling passion +for gourmandaise, that day's experience should be an eternal vindication +of him. The soup--alas! that I should so far prostitute the word; for +the black broth of Sparta was mock turtle in comparison--retired to make +way for a mass of beef, whose tenderness I did not question; for it sank +beneath the knife of the carver like a feather bed--the skill of Saladin +himself would have failed to divide it. The fish was a most rebellious +pike, and nearly killed every loyal subject at table; and then down the +sides were various comestibles of chickens, with azure bosoms, and hams +with hides like a rhinoceros; covered dishes of decomposed vegetable +matter, called spinach and cabbage; potatoes arrayed in small masses, and +browned, resembling those ingenious architectural structures of mud, +children raise in the high ways, and call dirt-pies. Such were the chief +constituents of the "feed;" and such, I am bound to confess, waxed +beautifully less under the vigorous onslaught of the party. + +The conversation soon became both loud and general. That happy +familiarity--which I had long believed to be the exclusive prerogative of +a military mess, where constant daily association sustains the interest +of the veriest trifles--I here found in a perfection I had not +anticipated, with this striking difference, that there was no absurd +deference to any existing code of etiquette in the conduct of the party +generally, each person quizzing his neighbour in the most free and easy +style imaginable, and all, evidently from long habit and conventional +usage, seeming to enjoy the practice exceedingly. Thus, droll allusions, +good stories, and smart repartees, fell thick as hail, and twice as +harmless, which any where else that I had ever heard of, would assuredly +have called for more explanations, and perhaps gunpowder, in the morning, +than usually are deemed agreeable. Here, however, they knew better; and +though the lawyer quizzed the doctor for never having another patient +than the house dog, all of whose arteries he had tied in the course of +the winter for practice--and the doctor retorted as heavily, by showing +that the lawyer's practice had been other than beneficial to those for +whom he was concerned--his one client being found guilty, mainly through +his ingenious defence of him; yet they never showed any, the slightest +irritation--on the contrary, such little playful badinage ever led to +some friendly passages of taking wine together, or in arrangements for a +party to the "Dargle," or "Dunleary;" and thus went on the entire party, +the young ladies darting an occasion slight at their elders, who +certainly returned the fire, often with advantage; all uniting now and +then, however, in one common cause, an attack of the whole line upon Mrs. +Clanfrizzle herself, for the beef, or the mutton, or the fish, or the +poultry--each of which was sure to find some sturdy defamer, ready and +willing to give evidence in dispraise. Yet even these, and I thought +them rather dangerous sallies, led to no more violent results than +dignified replies from the worthy hostess, upon the goodness of her fare, +and the evident satisfaction it afforded while being eaten, if the +appetites of the party were a test. While this was at its height, Tom +stooped behind my chair, and whispered gently-- + +"This is good--isn't it, eh?--life in a boarding-house--quite new to you; +but they are civilized now compared to what you'll find them in the +drawing-room. When short whist for five-penny points sets in--then Greek +meets Greek, and we'll have it." + +During all this melee tournament, I perceived that the worthy jib as +he would be called in the parlance of Trinity, Mr. Cudmore, remained +perfectly silent, and apparently terrified. The noise, the din of +voices, and the laughing, so completely addled him, that he was like one +in a very horrid dream. The attention with which I had observed him, +having been remarked by my friend O'Flaherty, he informed me that the +scholar, as he was called there, was then under a kind of cloud--an +adventure which occurred only two nights before, being too fresh in his +memory to permit him enjoying himself even to the limited extent it had +been his wont to do. As illustrative, not only of Mr. Cudmore, but the +life I have been speaking of, I may as well relate it. + +Soon after Mr. Cudmore's enlistment under the banners of the +Clanfrizzle, he had sought and found an asylum in the drawing-room of the +establishment, which promised, from its geographical relations, to expose +him less to the molestations of conversation than most other parts of the +room. This was a small recess beside the fire-place, not uncommon in +old-fashioned houses, and which, from its incapacity to hold more than +one, secured to the worthy recluse the privacy he longed for; and here, +among superannuated hearth-brushes, an old hand screen, an asthmatic +bellows, and a kettle-holder, sat the timid youth, "alone, but in a +crowd." Not all the seductions of loo, limited to three pence, nor even +that most appropriately designated game, beggar-my-neighbour--could +withdraw him from his blest retreat. Like his countryman, St. Kevin--my +friend Petrie has ascertained that the saint was a native of Tralee--he +fled from the temptations of the world, and the blandishments of the +fair; but, alas! like the saint himself, the + + "poor jib little knew + All that wily sex can do;" + +For while he hugged himself in the security of his fortress, the web of +his destiny was weaving. So true is it, as he himself used, no less +pathetically than poetically to express it, "misfortune will find you +out, if ye were hid in a tay chest." + +It happened that in Mrs. Clanfrizzle's establishment, the "enfant bleu," +already mentioned, was the only individual of his sex retained; and +without for a moment disparaging the ability or attentions of this gifted +person, yet it may reasonably be credited, that in waiting on a party of +twenty-five or thirty persons at dinner, all of whom he had admitted as +porter, and announced as maitre d'hotel, with the subsequent detail of +his duties in the drawing-room, that Peter, blue Peter--his boarding- +house soubriquet--not enjoying the bird-like privilege of "being in two +places at once," gave one rather the impression of a person of hasty and +fidgetty habits--for which nervous tendency the treatment he underwent +was certainly injudicious--it being the invariable custom for each guest +to put his services in requisition, perfectly irrespective of all other +claims upon him, from whatsoever quarter coming--and then, at the precise +moment that the luckless valet was snuffing the candles, he was abused by +one for not bringing coal; by another for having carried off his tea-cup, +sent on an expedition for sugar; by a third for having left the door +open, which he had never been near; and so on to the end of the chapter. + +It chanced that a few evenings previous to my appearance at the house, +this indefatigable Caleb was ministering as usual to the various and +discrepant wants of the large party assembled in the drawing-room. With +his wonted alacrity he had withdrawn from their obscure retreat against +the wall, sundry little tables, destined for the players at whist, or +"spoil five"--the popular game of the establishment. With a dexterity +that savoured much of a stage education, he had arranged the candles, the +cards, the counters; he had poked the fire, settled the stool for Miss +Riley's august feet, and was busily engaged in changing five shillings +into small silver for a desperate victim of loo--when Mrs. Clanfrizzle's +third, and, as it appeared, last time, of asking for the kettle smote +upon his ear. His loyalty would have induced him at once to desert every +thing on such an occasion; but the other party engaged, held him fast, +saying-- + +"Never mind HER, Peter--you have sixpence more to give me." + +Poor Peter rummaged one pocket, then another--discovering at last three +pence in copper, and some farthings, with which he seemed endeavouring to +make a composition with his creditor for twelve shillings in the pound; +when Mrs. Clan's patience finally becoming exhausted, she turned towards +Mr. Cudmore, the only unemployed person she could perceive, and with her +blandest smile said, + +"Mr. Cudmore, may I take the liberty of requesting you would hand me the +kettle beside you." + +Now, though the kettle aforesaid was, as the hostess very properly +observed, beside him, yet the fact that in complying with the demand, it +was necessary for the bashful youth to leave the recess he occupied, and, +with the kettle, proceed to walk half across the room--there to perform +certain manual operations requiring skill and presence of mind, before a +large and crowded assembly--was horror to the mind of the poor Jib; and +he would nearly as soon have acceded to a desire to dance a hornpipe, if +such had been suggested as the wish of the company. However, there was +nothing for it; and summoning up all his nerve--knitting his brows-- +clenching his teeth, like one prepared to "do or die," he seized the +hissing cauldron, and strode through the room, like the personified +genius of steam, very much to the alarm of all the old ladies in the +vicinity, whose tasteful drapery benefitted but little from his progress. +Yet he felt but little of all this; he had brought up his courage to the +sticking place, and he was absolutely half unconscious of the whole scene +before him; nor was it till some kind mediator had seized his arm, while +another drew him back by the skirts of the coat, that he desisted from +the deluge of hot water, with which, having filled the tea-pot, he +proceeded to swamp every thing else upon the tray, in his unfortunate +abstraction. Mrs. Clanfrizzle screamed--the old ladies accompanied her +--the young ones tittered--the men laughed--and, in a word, poor Cudmore, +perfectly unconscious of any thing extraordinary, felt himself the +admired of all admirers,--very little, it is true, to his own +satisfaction. After some few minutes exposure to these eclats de rire, +he succeeded in depositing the source of his griefs within the fender, +and once more retired to his sanctuary,--having registered a vow, which, +should I speak it, would forfeit his every claim to gallantry for ever. + +Whether in the vow aforesaid Mr. Cudmore had only been engaged in that +species of tesselating which furnishes the pavement so celebrated in the +lower regions, I know not; but true it is, that he retired that night to +his chamber very much discomfited at his debut in the great world, and +half disposed to believe that nature had neither intended him for a +Brummel nor a D'Orsay. While he was ruminating on such matters, he was +joined by O'Flaherty, with whom he had been always more intimate than any +other inmate of the house--Tom's tact having entirely concealed what the +manners of the others too plainly evinced, the perfect appreciation of +the student's oddity and singularity. After some few observations on +general matters, O'Flaherty began with a tone of some seriousness to +express towards Cudmore the warm interest he had ever taken in him, since +his first coming among them; his great anxiety for his welfare, and his +firm resolve that no chance or casual inattention to mere ceremonial +observances on his part should ever be seized on by the other guests +as a ground for detraction or an excuse for ridicule of him. + +"Rely upon it, my dear boy," said he, "I have watched over you like a +parent; and having partly foreseen that something like this affair of +to-night would take place sooner or later"-- + +"What affair?" said Cudmore--his eyes staring half out of his head. + +"That business of the kettle." + +"Kett--el. The kettle! What of that?" said Cudmore. + +"What of it? Why, if you don't feel it, I am sure it is not my duty to +remind you; only"-- + +"Feel it--oh, yes. I saw them laughing, because I spilled the water over +old Mrs. Jones, or something of that sort." + +"No, no, my dear young friend, they were not laughing at that--their +mirth had another object." + +"What the devil was it at, then?" + +"You don't know, don't you?" + +"No; I really do not." + +"Nor can't guess--eh?" + +"Confound me if I can." + +"Well. I see, Mr. Cudmore, you are really too innocent for these +people. But come--it shall never be said that youth and inexperience +ever suffered from the unworthy ridicule and cold sarcasm of the base +world, while Tom O'Flaherty stood by a spectator. + +"Sir," said Tom, striking his hand with energy on the table, and darting +a look of fiery indignation from his eye, "Sir, you were this night +trepanned--yes, sir, vilely, shamefully trepanned--I repeat the +expression--into the performance of a menial office--an office so +degrading, so offensive, so unbecoming the rank, the station, and the +habits of gentlemen, my very blood recoils when I only think of the +indignity." + +The expression of increasing wonder and surprise depicted in Mr. +Cudmore's face at these words, my friend Phiz might convey--I cannot +venture to describe it--suffice it to say, that even O'Flaherty himself +found it difficult to avoid a burst of laughter, as he looked at him and +resumed. + +"Witnessing, as I did, the entire occurrence; feeling deeply for the +inexperience which the heartless worldlings had dared to trample upon, +I resolved to stand by you, and here I am come for that purpose." + +"Well, but what in the devil's name have I done all this time?" + +"What! are you still ignorant?--is it possible? Did you not hand the +kettle from the fire-place, and fill the tea-pot?--answer me that!" + +"I did," said Cudmore, with a voice already becoming tremulous. + +"Is that the duty of a gentleman?--answer me that." + +A dead pause stood in place of a reply, while Tom proceeded-- + +"Did you ever hear any one ask me, or Counsellor Daly, or Mr. Fogarty, +or any other person to do so?--answer me that." + +"No; never" muttered Cudmore, with a sinking spirit. + +"Well then why may I ask, were you selected for an office that by your +own confession, no one else would stoop to perform? I'll tell you, +because from your youth and inexperience, your innocence was deemed a fit +victim to the heartless sneers of a cold and unfeeling world." +And here Tom broke forth into a very beautiful apostrophe, beginning-- +"Oh, virtue!" (this I am unfortunately unable to present to my readers; +and must only assure them that it was a very faithful imitation of the +well-known one delivered by Burke in the case of Warren Hastings,) and +concluding with an exhortation to Cudmore to wipe out the stain of his +wounded honour, by repelling with indignation the slightest future +attempt at such an insult. + +This done, O'Flaherty retired, leaving Cudmore to dig among Greek roots, +and chew over the cud of his misfortune. Punctual to the time and place, +that same evening beheld the injured Cudmore resume his wonted corner, +pretty much with the feeling with which a forlorn hope stands match in +hand to ignite the train destined to explode with ruin to thousands-- +himself perhaps amongst the number: there he sat with a brain as burning, +and a heart as excited, as though, instead of sipping his bohea beside a +sea-coal fire, he was that instant trembling beneath the frown of Dr. +Elrington, for the blunders in his Latin theme, and what terror to the +mind of a "Jib" can equal that one? + +As luck would have it, this was a company night in the boarding-house. +Various young ladies in long blue sashes, and very broad ribbon sandals, +paraded the rooms, chatting gaily with very distinguished looking young +gentlemen, with gold brooches, and party-coloured inside waistcoats; +sundry elderly ladies sat at card-tables, discussing the "lost honour by +an odd trick they played," with heads as large as those of Jack or Jill +in the pantomime; spruce clerks in public offices, (whose vocation the +expansive tendency of the right ear, from long pen-carrying, betokened) +discussed fashion, "and the musical glasses" to some very over-dressed +married ladies, who preferred flirting to five-and-ten. The tea-table, +over which the amiable hostess presided, had also its standing votaries: +mostly grave parliamentary-looking gentlemen, with powdered heads, +and very long-waisted black coats, among whom the Sir Oracle was a +functionary of his Majesty's High Court of Chancery, though I have reason +to believe, not, Lord Manners: meanwhile, in all parts of the room might +be seen Blue Peter, distributing tea, coffee, and biscuit, and +occasionally interchanging a joke with the dwellers in the house. While +all these pleasing occupations proceeded, the hour of Cudmore's trial was +approaching. The tea-pot which had stood the attack of fourteen cups +without flinching, at last began to fail, and discovered to the prying +eyes of Mrs. Clanfrizzle, nothing but an olive-coloured deposit of soft +matter, closely analogous in appearance and chemical property to the +residuary precipitate in a drained fish-pond; she put down the lid with +a gentle sigh and turning towards the fire bestowed one of her very +blandest and most captivating looks on Mr. Cudmore, saying--as plainly +as looks could say--"Cudmore, you're wanting." Whether the youth did, +or did not understand, I am unable to record: I can only say, the appeal +was made without acknowledgment. Mrs. Clanfrizzle again essayed, and by +a little masonic movement of her hand to the tea-pot, and a sly glance at +the hob, intimated her wish--still hopelessly; at last there was nothing +for it but speaking; and she donned her very softest voice, and most +persuasive tone, saying-- + +"Mr. Cudmore, I am really very troublesome: will you permit me to ask +you?"-- + +"Is it for the kettle, ma'am?" said Cudmore, with a voice that startled +the whole room, disconcerting three whist parties, and so absorbing the +attention of the people at loo, that the pool disappeared without any one +being able to account for the circumstance. + +"Is it for the kettle, ma'am?" + +"If you will be so very kind," lisped the hostess. + +"Well, then, upon my conscience, you are impudent," said Cudmore, with +his face crimsoned to the ears, and his eyes flashing fire. + +"Why, Mr. Cudmore," began the lady, "why, really, this is so strange. +Why sir, what can you mean?" + +"Just that," said the imperturbable jib, who now that his courage was up, +dared every thing. + +"But sir, you must surely have misunderstood me. I only asked for the +kettle, Mr. Cudmore." + +"The devil a more," said Cud, with a sneer. + +"Well, then, of course"-- + +"Well, then, I'll tell you, of course," said he, repeating her words; +"the sorrow taste of the kettle, I'll give you. Call you own skip--Blue +Pether there--damn me, if I'll be your skip any longer." + +For the uninitiated I have only to add, that "skip" is the Trinity +College appellation for servant, which was therefore employed by Mr. +Cudmore, on this occasion, as expressing more contemptuously his sense +of the degradation of the office attempted to be put upon him. Having +already informed my reader on some particulars of the company, I leave +him to suppose how Mr. Cudmore's speech was received. Whist itself was +at an end for that evening, and nothing but laughter, long, loud, and +reiterated, burst from every corner of the room for hours after. + +As I have so far travelled out of the record of my own peculiar +confessions, as to give a leaf from what might one day form the matter of +Mr. Cudmore's, I must now make the only amende in my power, by honestly +narrating, that short as my visit was to the classic precincts of this +agreeable establishment, I did not escape without exciting my share of +ridicule, though, I certainly had not the worst of the joke, and may, +therefore, with better grace tell the story, which, happily for my +readers, is a very brief one. A custom prevailed in Mrs. Clanfrizzle's +household, which from my unhappy ignorance of boarding-houses, I am +unable to predicate if it belong to the genera at large, or this one +specimen in particular, however, it is a sufficiently curious fact, even +though thereby hang no tale, for my stating it here. The decanters on +the dinner-table were never labelled, with their more appropriate +designation of contents, whether claret, sherry, or port, but with the +names of their respective owners, it being a matter of much less +consequence that any individual at table should mix his wine, by pouring +"port upon madeira," than commit the truly legal offence of appropriating +to his own use and benefit, even by mistake, his neighbour's bottle. +However well the system may work among the regular members of the +"domestic circle," and I am assured that it does succeed extremely-- +to the newly arrived guest, or uninitiated visitor, the affair is +perplexing, and leads occasionally to awkward results. + +It so chanced, from my friend O'Flaherty's habitual position at the foot +of the table, and my post of honour near the head, that on the first day +of my appearing there, the distance between us, not only precluded all +possible intercourse, but any of those gentle hints as to habits and +customs, a new arrival looks for at the hands of his better informed +friend. The only mode of recognition, to prove that we belonged to each +other, being by that excellent and truly English custom of drinking wine +together, Tom seized the first idle moment from his avocation as carver +to say, + +"Lorrequer, a glass of wine with you." + +Having, of course, acceded, he again asked, + +"What wine do you drink?" intending thereby, as I afterwards learned, to +send me from his end of the table, what wine I selected. Not conceiving +the object of the inquiry, and having hitherto without hesitation helped +myself from the decanter, which bore some faint resemblance to sherry, +I immediately turned for correct information to the bottle itself, upon +whose slender neck was ticketed the usual slip of paper. My endeavours +to decypher the writing occupied time sufficient again to make O'Flaherty +ask, + +"Well, Harry, I'm waiting for you. Will you have port?" + +"No, I thank you," I replied, having by this revealed the inscription. +"No, I thank you; I'll just stick to my old friend here, Bob M'Grotty;" +for thus I rendered familiarly the name of Rt. M'Grotty on the decanter, +and which I in my ignorance believed to be the boarding-house soubriquet +for bad sherry. That Mr. M'Grotty himself little relished my familiarity +with either his name or property I had a very decisive proof, for turning +round upon his chair, and surveying my person from head to foot with a +look of fiery wrath, he thundered out in very broad Scotch, + +"And by my saul, my freend, ye may just as weel finish it noo, for deil a +glass o' his ain wine did Bob M'Grotty, as ye ca' him, swallow this day." + +The convulsion of laughter into which my blunder and the Scotchman's +passion threw the whole board, lasted till the cloth was withdrawn, and +the ladies had retired to the drawing-room, the only individual at table +not relishing the mistake being the injured proprietor of the bottle, who +was too proud to accept reparation from my friend's decanter, and would +scarcely condescend to open his lips during the evening; notwithstanding +which display of honest indignation, we contrived to become exceedingly +merry and jocose, most of the party communicating little episodes of +their life, in which, it is true, they frequently figured in situations +that nothing but their native and natural candour would venture to avow. +One story I was considerably amused at; it was told by the counsellor, +Mr. Daly, in illustration of the difficulty of rising at the bar, and +which, as showing his own mode of obviating the delay that young +professional men submit to from hard necessity, as well as in evidence of +his strictly legal turn, I shall certainly recount, one of these days, +for the edification of the junior bar. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +THE CHASE. + +On the morning after my visit to the boarding-house, I received a few +hurried lines from Curzon, informing me that no time was to be lost in +joining the regiment--that a grand fancy ball was about to be given by +the officers of the Dwarf frigate, then stationed off Dunmore; who, when +inviting the ___, specially put in a demand for my well-known services, +to make it to go off, and concluding with an extract from the Kilkenny +Moderator, which ran thus-- + + "An intimation has just reached us, from a quarter on which we can + place the fullest reliance, that the celebrated amateur performer, + Mr. Lorrequer, may shortly be expected amongst us; from the many + accounts we have received of this highly-gifted gentleman's powers, + we anticipate a great treat to the lovers of the drama," &c. &c. + "So you see, my dear Hal," continued Curzon, "thy vocation calls + thee; therefore come, and come quickly--provide thyself with a black + satin costume, slashed with light blue--point lace collar and + ruffles--a Spanish hat looped in front--and, if possible, a long + rapier, with a flap hilt.--Carden is not here; so you may show your + face under any colour with perfect impunity.--Yours from the side + scenes, + + "C. Curzon." + +This clever epistle sufficed to show me that the gallant __th had gone +clean theatrical mad; and although from my "last appearance on any +stage," it might be supposed I should feel no peculiar desire to repeat +the experiment, yet the opportunity of joining during Col. Carden's +absence, was too tempting to resist, and I at once made up my mind to +set out, and, without a moment's delay, hurried across the street to +the coach office, to book myself an inside in the mail of that night; +fortunately no difficulty existed in my securing the seat, for the way- +bill was a perfect blank, and I found myself the only person who had, +as yet, announced himself a passenger. On returning to my hotel, I found +O'Flaherty waiting for me; he was greatly distressed on hearing my +determination to leave town--explained how he had been catering for my +amusement for the week to come--that a picnic to the Dargle was arranged +in a committee of the whole house, and a boating party, with a dinner at +the Pigeon-house, was then under consideration; resisting, however, such +extreme temptations, I mentioned the necessity of my at once proceeding +to headquarters, and all other reasons for my precipitancy failing, +concluded with that really knock-down argument, "I have taken my place;" +this, I need scarcely add, finished the matter--at least I have never +known it fail in such cases. Tell your friends that your wife is hourly +expecting to be confined; your favourite child is in the measles--you +best friend waiting your aid in an awkward scrape--your one vote only +wanting to turn the scale in an election. Tell them, I say, each or all +of these, or a hundred more like them, and to any one you so speak, the +answer is--"Pooh, pooh, my dear fellow, never fear--don't fuss yourself +--take it easy--to-morrow will do just as well." If, on the other hand, +however, you reject such flimsy excuses, and simply say, "I'm booked in +the mail," the opposition at once falls to the ground, and your quondam +antagonist, who was ready to quarrel with you, is at once prepared to +assist in packing your portmanteau. + +Having soon satisfied my friend Tom that resistance was in vain, I +promised to eat an early dinner with him at Morrisson's, and spent the +better part of the morning in putting down a few notes of my Confessions, +as well as the particulars of Mr. Daly's story, which, I believe, I half +or wholly promised my readers at the conclusion of my last chapter; but +which I must defer to a more suitable opportunity, when mentioning the +next occasion of my meeting him on the southern circuit. + +My dispositions were speedily made. I was fortunate in securing the +exact dress my friend's letter alluded to among the stray costumes of +Fishamble-street; and rich in the possession of the only "properties" it +has been my lot to acquire, I despatched my treasure to the coach office, +and hastened to Morrisson's, it being by this time nearly five o'clock. +There, true to time, I found O'Flaherty deep in the perusal of the bill, +along which figured the novel expedients for dining, I had been in the +habit of reading in every Dublin hotel since my boyhood. "Mock turtle, +mutton, gravy, roast beef and potatoes--shoulder of mutton and potatoes! +--ducks and peas, potatoes!! ham and chicken, cutlet steak and +potatoes!!! apple tart and cheese:" with a slight cadenza of a sigh over +the distant glories of Very, or still better the "Freres," we sat down to +a very patriarchal repast, and what may be always had par excellence in +Dublin, a bottle of Sneyd's claret. + +Poor Tom's spirits were rather below their usual pitch; and although he +made many efforts to rally and appear gay, he could not accomplish it. +However, we chatted away over old times and old friends, and forgetting +all else but the topics we talked of, the time-piece over the chimney +first apprised me that two whole hours had gone by, and that it was now +seven o'clock, the very hour the coach was to start. I started up at +once, and notwithstanding all Tom's representations of the impossibility +of my being in time, had despatched waiters in different directions for a +jarvey, more than ever determined upon going; so often is it that when +real reasons for our conduct are wanting, any casual or chance opposition +confirms us in an intention which before was but uncertain. Seeing me so +resolved, Tom, at length, gave way, and advised my pursuing the mail, +which must be now gone at least ten minutes, and which, with smart +driving, I should probably overtake before getting free of the city, as +they have usually many delays in so doing. I at once ordered out the +"yellow post-chaise," and before many minutes had elapsed, what, with +imprecation and bribery, I started in pursuit of his Majesty's Cork and +Kilkenny mail coach, then patiently waiting in the court-yard of the Post +Office. + +"Which way now, your honor?" said a shrill voice from the dark--for such +the night had already become, and threatened with a few heavy drops of +straight rain, the fall of a tremendous shower. + +"The Naas road," said I; "and, harkye, my fine fellow, if you overtake +the coach in half an hour, I'll double your fare." + +"Be gorra, I'll do my endayvour," said the youth; at the same time +instant dashing in both spurs, we rattled down Nassau-street at a very +respectable pace for harriers. Street after street we passed, and at +last I perceived we had got clear of the city, and were leaving the long +line of lamp-lights behind us. The night was now pitch dark. I could +not see any thing whatever. The quick clattering of the wheels, the +sharp crack of the postillion's whip, or the still sharper tone of his +"gee hup," showed me we were going at a tremendous pace, had I not even +had the experience afforded by the frequent visits my head paid to the +roof of the chaise, so often as we bounded over a stone, or splashed +through a hollow. Dark and gloomy as it was, I constantly let down the +window, and with half my body protruded, endeavores to catch a glimpse of +the "Chase;" but nothing could I see. The rain now fell in actual +torrents; and a more miserable night it is impossible to conceive. + +After about an hour so spent, he at last came to a check, so sudden and +unexpected on my part, that I was nearly precipitated, harlequin fashion, +through the front window. Perceiving that we no longer moved, and +suspecting that some part of our tackle had given way, I let down the +sash, and cried out--"Well now, my lad, any thing wrong?" My questions +was, however, unheard; and although, amid the steam arising from the wet +and smoking horses, I could perceive several figures indistinctly moving +about, I could not distinguish what they were doing, nor what they said. +A laugh I certainly did hear, and heartily cursed the unfeeling wretch, +as I supposed him to be, who was enjoying himself at my disappointment. +I again endeavoured to find out what had happened, and called out still +louder than before. + +"We are at Ra'coole, your honor," said the boy, approaching the door of +the chaise, "and she's only beat us by hafe a mile." + +"Who the devil is she?" said I. + +"The mail, your honor, is always a female in Ireland." + +"Then why do you stop now? You're not going to feed I suppose?" + +"Of course not, your honor, it's little feeding troubles these bastes, +any how, but they tell me the road is so heavy we'll never take the +chaise over the next stage without leaders." + +"Without leaders!" said I. "Pooh! my good fellow, no humbugging, +four horses for a light post-chaise and no luggage; come get up, and no +nonsense." At this moment a man approached the window with a lantern in +his hand, and so strongly represented the dreadful state of the roads +from the late rains--the length of the stage--the frequency of accidents +latterly from under-horsing, &c. &c. that I yielded, a reluctant assent, +and ordered out the leaders, comforting myself the while, that +considering the inside fare of the coach, I made such efforts to +overtake, was under a pound, and that time was no object to me, I +certainly was paying somewhat dearly for my character for resolution. + +At last we got under way once more, and set off cheered by a tremendous +shout from at least a dozen persons, doubtless denizens of that +interesting locality, amid which I once again heard the laugh that had so +much annoyed me already. The rain was falling, if possible, more heavily +than before, and had evidently set in for the entire night. Throwing +myself back into a corner of the "leathern convenience," I gave myself up +to the full enjoyment of the Rouchefoucauld maxim, that there is always a +pleasure felt in the misfortunes of even our best friends, and certainly +experienced no small comfort in my distress, by contrasting my present +position with that of my two friends in the saddle, as they sweltered on +through mud and mire, rain and storm. On we went, splashing, bumping, +rocking, and jolting, till I began at last to have serious thoughts of +abdicating the seat and betaking myself to the bottom of the chaise, for +safety and protection. Mile after mile succeeded, and as after many a +short and fitful slumber, which my dreams gave an apparent length to, +I woke only to find myself still in pursuit--the time seemed so +enormously protracted that I began to fancy my whole life was to be +passed in the dark, in chase of the Kilkenny mail, as we read in the true +history of the flying Dutchman, who, for his sins of impatience--like +mine--spent centuries vainly endeavouring to double the Cape, or the +Indian mariner in Moore's beautiful ballad, of whom we are told as-- + + "Many a day to night gave way, + And many a morn succeeded, + Yet still his flight, by day and night, + That restless mariner speeded." + +This might have been all very well in the tropics, with a smart craft and +doubtless plenty of sea store--but in a chaise, at night, and on the Naas +road, I humbly suggest I had all the worse of the parallel. + +At last the altered sound of the wheels gave notice of our approach +to a town, and after about twenty minutes; rattling over the pavement +we entered what I supposed, correctly, to be Naas. Here I had long since +determined my pursuit should cease. I had done enough, and more than +enough, to vindicate my fame against any charge of irresolution as to +leaving Dublin, and was bethinking me of the various modes of prosecuting +my journey on the morrow, when we drew up suddenly at the door of the +Swan. The arrival of a chaise and four at a small country town inn, +suggests to the various employees therein, any thing rather than the +traveller in pursuit of the mail, and so the moment I arrived, I was +assailed with innumerable proffers of horses, supper, bed, &c. My +anxious query was thrice repeated in vain, "When did the coach pass?" + +"The mail," replied the landlord at length. "Is it the down mail?" + +Not understanding the technical, I answered, "Of course not the Down--the +Kilkenny and Cork mail." + +"From Dublin, sir?" + +"Yes, from Dublin." + +"Not arrived yet, sir, nor will it for three quarters of an hour; they +never leave Dublin till a quarter past seven; that is, in fact, half +past, and their time here is twenty minutes to eleven." + +"Why, you stupid son of a boot-top, we have been posting on all night +like the devil, and all this time the coach has been ten miles behind +us." + +"Well, we've cotch them any how," said the urchin, as he disengaged +himself from his wet saddle, and stood upon the ground; "and it is not my +fault that the coach is not before us." + +With a satisfactory anathema upon all innkeepers, waiters, hostlers, and +post-boys, with a codicil including coach-proprietors, I followed the +smirking landlord into a well-lighted room, with a blazing fire, when +having ordered supper, I soon regained my equanimity. + +My rasher and poached eggs, all Naas could afford me, were speedily +despatched, and as my last glass, from my one pint of sherry, was poured +out, the long expected coach drew up. A minute after the coachman +entered to take his dram, followed by the guard; a more lamentable +spectacle of condensed moisture cannot be conceived; the rain fell from +the entire circumference of his broad-brimmed hat, like the ever-flowing +drop from the edge of an antique fountain; his drab-coat had become a +deep orange hue, while his huge figure loomed still larger, as he stood +amid a nebula of damp, that would have made an atmosphere for the +Georgium Sidus. + +"Going on to-night, sir?" said he, addressing me; "severe weather, and no +chance of its clearing, but of course you're inside." + +"Why, there is very little doubt of that," said I. "Are you nearly full +inside?" + +"Only one, sir; but he seems a real queer chap; made fifty inquiries at +the office if he could not have the whole inside to himself, and when he +heard that one place had been taken--your's, I believe, sir--he seemed +like a scalded bear." + +"You don't know his name then?" + +"No, sir, he never gave a name at the office, and his only luggage is two +brown paper parcels, without any ticket, and he has them inside; indeed +he never lets them from him even for a second." + +Here the guard's horn, announcing all ready, interrupted our colloquy, +and prevented my learning any thing further of my fellow-traveller, whom, +however, I at once set down in my own mind for some confounded old churl +that made himself comfortable every where, without ever thinking of any +one else's convenience. + +As I passed from the inn door to the coach, I once more congratulated +myself that I was about to be housed from the terrific storm of wind and +rain that railed about. + +"Here's the step, sir," said the guard, "get in, sir, two minutes late +already." + +"I beg your pardon, sir," said I, as I half fell over the legs of my +unseen companion. "May I request leave to pass you?" While he made way +for me for this purpose, I perceived that he stooped down towards the +guard, and said something, who from his answer had evidently been +questioned as to who I was. "And how did he get here, if he took his +place in Dublin?" asked the unknown. + +"Came half an hour since, sir, in a chaise and four," said the guard, as +he banged the door behind him, and closed the interview. + +Whatever might have been the reasons for my fellow-traveller's anxiety +about my name and occupation, I knew not, yet could not help feeling +gratified at thinking that as I had not given my name at the coach +office, I was a great a puzzle to him as he to me. + +"A severe night, sir," said I, endeavouring to break ground in +conversation. + +"Mighty severe," briefly and half crustily replied the unknown, with a +richness of brogue, that might have stood for a certificate of baptism +in Cork or its vicinity. + +"And a bad road too, sir," said I, remembering my lately accomplished +stage. + +"That's the reason I always go armed," said the unknown, clinking at the +same moment something like the barrel of a pistol. + +Wondering somewhat at his readiness to mistake my meaning, I felt +disposed to drop any further effort to draw him out, and was about to +address myself to sleep, as comfortably as I could. + +"I'll jist trouble ye to lean aff that little parcel there, sir," said +he, as he displaced from its position beneath my elbow, one of the paper +packages the guard had already alluded to. + +In complying with this rather gruff demand, one of my pocket pistols, +which I carried in my breast pocket, fell out upon his knee, upon which +he immediately started, and asked hurriedly--"and are you armed too?" + +"Why, yes," said I, laughingly; "men of my trade seldom go without +something of this kind." + +"Be gorra, I was just thinking that same," said the traveller, with a +half sigh to himself. + +Why he should or should not have thought so, I never troubled myself to +canvass, and was once more settling myself in my corner, when I was +startled by a very melancholy groan, which seemed to come from the bottom +of my companion's heart. + +"Are you ill, sir?" said I, in a voice of some anxiety. + +"You might say that," replied he--"if you knew who you were talking to-- +although maybe you've heard enough of me, though you never saw me till +now." + +"Without having that pleasure even yet," said I, "it would grieve me to +think you should be ill in the coach." + +"May be it might," briefly replied the unknown, with a species of meaning +in his words I could not then understand. "Did ye never hear tell of +Barney Doyle?" said he. + +"Not to my recollection." + +"Then I'm Barney," said he; "that's in all the newspapers in the +metropolis; I'm seventeen weeks in Jervis-street hospital, and four in +the Lunatic, and the devil a better after all; you must be a stranger, +I'm thinking, or you'd know me now." + +"Why I do confess, I've only been a few hours in Ireland for the last six +months." + +"Ay, that's the reason; I knew you would not be fond of travelling with +me, if you knew who it was." + +"Why, really," said I, beginning at the moment to fathom some of the +hints of my companion, "I did not anticipate the pleasure of meeting +you." + +"It's pleasure ye call it; then there's no accountin' for tastes, +as Dr. Colles said, when he saw me bite Cusack Rooney's thumb off." + +"Bite a man's thumb off!" said I, in a horror. + +"Ay," said he with a kind of fiendish animation, "in one chop; I wish +you'd see how I scattered the consultation; begad they didn't wait to +ax for a fee." + +Upon my soul, a very pleasant vicinity, though I. "And, may I ask sir," +said I, in a very mild and soothing tone of voice, "may I ask the reason +for this singular propensity of yours?" + +"There it is now, my dear," said he, laying his hand upon my knee +familiarly, "that's just the very thing they can't make out; Colles says, +it's all the ceribellum, ye see, that's inflamed and combusted, and some +of the others think it's the spine; and more, the muscles; but my real +impression is, the devil a bit they know about it at all." + +"And have they no name for the malady?" said I. + +"Oh sure enough they have a name for it." + +"And, may I ask--" + +"Why, I think you'd better not, because ye see, maybe I might be +throublesome to ye in the night, though I'll not, if I can help it; and +it might be uncomfortable to you to be here if I was to get one of the +fits." + +"One of the fits! Why it's not possible, sir," said I, "you would travel +in a public conveyance in the state you mention; your friends surely +would not permit it?" + +"Why, if they knew, perhaps," slily responded the interesting invalid, +"if they knew they might not exactly like it, but ye see, I escaped only +last night, and there'll be a fine hub-bub in the morning, when they find +I'm off; though I'm thinking Rooney's barking away by this time." + +"Rooney barking, why, what does that mean?" + +"They always bark for a day or two after they're bit, if the infection +comes first from the dog." + +"You are surely not speaking of hydrophobia," said I, my hair actually +bristling with horror and consternation. + +"Ayn't I?" replied he; "may be you've guessed it though." + +"And have you the malady on you at present?" said I, trembling for the +answer. + +"This is the ninth day since I took to biting," said he gravely, +perfectly unconscious as it appeared of the terror such information was +calculated to convey. + +"Any with such a propensity, sir, do you think yourself warranted in +travelling in a public coach, exposing others--" + +"You'd better not raise your voice, that way," quietly responded he, "if +I'm roused, it 'll be worse for ye, that's all." + +"Well but," said I, moderating my zeal, "is it exactly prudent, in your +present delicate state, to undertake a journey?" + +"Ah," said he, with a sigh, "I've been longing to see the fox hounds +throw off, near Kilkenny; these three weeks I've been thinking of nothing +else; but I'm not sure how my nerves will stand the cry; I might be +throublesome." + +"Upon my soul," thought I, "I shall not select that morning for my debut +in the field." + +"I hope, sir, there's no river, or watercourse on this road--any thing +else, I can, I hope, control myself against; but water--running water +particularly--makes me throublesome." + +Well knowing what he meant by the latter phrase, I felt the cold +perspiration settling on my forehead, as I remembered that we must be +within about ten or twelve miles of Leighlin-bridge, where we should have +to pass a very wide river. I strictly concealed this fact from him, +however, and gave him to understand that there was not a well, brook, or +rivulet, for forty miles on either side of us. He now sunk into a kind +of moody silence, broken occasionally by a low muttering noise, as if +speaking to himself--what this might portend, I knew not--but thought it +better, under all circumstances, not to disturb him. How comfortable my +present condition was, I need scarcely remark--sitting vis a vis to a +lunatic, with a pair of pistols in his possession--who had already avowed +his consciousness of his tendency to do mischief, and his inability to +master it; all this in the dark, and in the narrow limits of a mail- +coach, where there was scarcely room for defence, and no possibility of +escape--how heartily I wished myself back in the Coffee-room at +Morrisson's, with my poor friend Tom--the infernal chaise, that I cursed +a hundred times, would have been an "exchange," better than into the Life +Guards--ay, even the outside of the coach, if I could only reach it, +would, under present circumstances, be a glorious alternative to my +existing misfortune. What were rain and storm, thunder and lightning, +compared with the chances that awaited me here?--wet through I should +inevitably be, but then I had not yet contracted the horror of moisture +my friend opposite laboured under. "Ha! what is that? is it possible he +can be asleep; is it really a snore?--Heaven grant that little snort be +not what the medical people call a premonitory symptom--if so, he'll be +in upon me now in no time. Ah, there it is again; he must be asleep +surely; now then is my time or never." With these words, muttered to +myself, and a heart throbbing almost audibly at the risk of his +awakening, I slowly let down the window of the coach, and stretching +forth my hand, turned the handle cautiously and slowly; I next disengaged +my legs, and by a long continuous effort of creeping--which I had learned +perfectly once, when practising to go as a boa constrictor to a fancy +ball--I withdrew myself from the seat and reached the step, when I +muttered something very like a thanksgiving to Providence for my rescue. +With little difficulty I now climbed up beside the guard, whose +astonishment at my appearance was indeed considerable--that any man +should prefer the out, to the inside of a coach, in such a night, was +rather remarkable; but that the person so doing should be totally +unprovided with a box-coat, or other similar protection, argued something +so strange, that I doubt not, if he were to decide upon the applicability +of the statute of lunacy to a traveller in the mail, the palm would +certainly have been awarded to me, and not to my late companion. Well, +on we rolled, and heavily as the rain poured down, so relieved did I feel +at my change of position, that I soon fell fast asleep, and never awoke +till the coach was driving up Patrick-street. Whatever solace to my +feelings reaching the outside of the coach might have been attended with +at night, the pleasure I experienced on awaking, was really not +unalloyed. More dead than alive, I sat a mass of wet clothes, like +nothing under heaven except it be that morsel of black and spongy wet +cotton at the bottom of a schoolboy's ink bottle, saturated with rain, +and the black dye of my coat. My hat too had contributed its share of +colouring matter, and several long black streaks coursed down my +"wrinkled front," giving me very much the air of an Indian warrior, who +had got the first priming of his war paint. I certainly must have been +rueful object, were I only to judge from the faces of the waiters as they +gazed on me when the coach drew up at Rice and Walsh's hotel. Cold, wet, +and weary as I was, my curiosity to learn more of my late agreeable +companion was strong as ever within me--perhaps stronger, from the +sacrifices his acquaintance had exacted from me. Before, however, +I had disengaged myself from the pile of trunks and carpet bags I had +surrounded myself with--he had got out of the coach, and all I could +catch a glimpse of was the back of a little short man in a kind of grey +upper coat, and long galligaskins on his legs. He carried his two +bundles under his arm, and stepped nimbly up the steps of the hotel, +without turning his head to either side. + +"Don't fancy you shall escape me now, my good friend," I cried out, as I +sprung from the roof to the ground, with one jump, and hurried after the +great unknown into the coffee-room. By the time I reached it he had +approached the fire, on the table near which, having deposited the +mysterious paper parcels, he was now busily engaged in divesting himself +of his great coat; his face was still turned from me, so that I had time +to appear employed in divesting myself of my wet drapery before he +perceived me; at last the coat was unbuttoned, the gaiters followed, and +throwing them carelessly on a chair, he tucked up the skirts of his coat; +and spreading himself comfortably a l'Anglais, before the fire, displayed +to my wondering and stupified gaze, the pleasant features of Doctor +Finucane. + +"Why, Doctor--Doctor Finucane," cried I, "is this possible? were you +really the inside in the mail last night." + +"Devil a doubt of it, Mr. Lorrequer; and may I make bould to ask,--were +you the outside?" + +"Then what, may I beg to know, did you mean by your damned story about +Barney Doyle, and the hydrophobia, and Cusack Rooney's thumb--eh?" + +"Oh, by the Lord," said Finucane, "this will be the death of me; and it +was you that I drove outside in all the rain last night! Oh, it will +kill Father Malachi outright with laughing, when I tell him;" and he +burst out into a fit of merriment that nearly induced me to break his +head with the poker. + +"Am I to understand, then, Mr. Finucane, that this practical joke of your +was contrived for my benefit, and for the purpose of holding me up to the +ridicule of your confounded acquaintances." + +"Nothing of the kind, upon my conscience," said Fin, drying his eyes, +and endeavouring to look sorry and sentimental. "If I had only the least +suspicion in life that it was you, upon my oath I'd not have had the +hydrophobia at all, and, to tell you the truth, you were not the only +one frightened--you alarmed me devilishly too." + +"I alarmed you! Why, how can that be?" + +"Why, the real affair is this: I was bringing these two packages of notes +down to my cousin Callaghan's bank in Cork--fifteen thousand pounds-- +devil a less; and when you came into the coach at Naas, after driving +there with your four horses, I thought it was all up with me. The guard +just whispered in my ear, that he saw you look at the priming of your +pistols before getting in; and faith I said four paters, and a hail Mary, +before you'd count five. Well, when you got seated, the thought came +into my mind that maybe, highwayman as you were, you would not like dying +a natural death, more particularly if you were an Irishman; and so I +trumped up that long story about the hydrophobia, and the gentleman's +thumb, and devil knows what besides; and, while I was telling it, the +cold perspiration was running down my head and face, for every time you +stirred, I said to myself, now he'll do it. Two or three times, do you +know, I was going to offer you ten shillings in the pound, and spare my +life; and once, God forgive me, I thought it would not be a bad plan to +shoot you by 'mistake,' do you perceave?" + +"Why, upon my soul, I'm very much obliged to you for your excessively +kind intentions; but really I feel you have done quite enough for me on +the present occasion. But, come now, doctor, I must get to bed, and +before I go, promise me two things--to dine with us to-day at the mess, +and not to mention a syllable of what occurred last night--it tells, +believe me, very badly for both; so, keep the secret, for if these +confounded fellows of ours ever get hold of it, I may sell out, +or quit the army; I'll never hear the end of it!" + +"Never fear, my boy; trust me. I'll dine with you, and you're as safe as +a church-mouse for any thing I'll tell them; so, now you'd better change +your clothes, for I'm thinking it rained last night." + +Muttering some very dubious blessings upon the learned Fin, I left the +room, infinitely more chagrined and chop-fallen at the discovery I had +made, than at all the misery and exposure the trick had consigned me to; +"however," thought I, "if the doctor keep his word, it all goes well; the +whole affair is between us both solely; but, should it not be so, I may +shoot half the mess before the other half would give up quizzing me." +Revolving such pleasant thought, I betook myself to bed, and what with +mulled port, and a blazing fire, became once more conscious of being a +warm-blooded animal, and feel sound asleep, to dream of doctors, strait +waistcoats, shaved heads, and all the pleasing associations my late +companion's narrative so readily suggested. + + + + +CHAPTER XV. + +MEMS. OF THE NORTH CORK. + +At six o'clock I had the pleasure of presenting the worthy Doctor +Finucane to our mess, taking at the same time an opportunity, unobserved +by him, to inform three or four of my brother officers that my friend was +really a character, abounding in native drollery, and richer in good +stories than even the generality of his countrymen. + +Nothing could possibly go on better than the early part of the evening. +Fin, true to his promise, never once alluded to what I could plainly +perceive was ever uppermost in his mind, and what with his fund of +humour, quaintness of expression, and quickness at reply, garnished +throughout by his most mellifluous brogue, the true "Bocca Corkana," kept +us from one roar of laughter to another. It was just at the moment in +which his spirits seemed at their highest, that I had the misfortune to +call upon him for a story, which his cousin Father Malachi had alluded to +on the ever-memorable evening at his house, and which I had a great +desire to hear from Fin's own lips. He seemed disposed to escape telling +it, and upon my continuing to press my request, drily remarked, + +"You forget, surely, my dear Mr. Lorrequer, the weak condition I'm in; +and these gentlemen here, they don't know what a severe illness I've been +labouring under lately, or they would not pass the decanter so freely +down this quarter." + +I had barely time to throw a mingled look of entreaty and menace across +the table, when half-a-dozen others, rightly judging from the Doctor's +tone and serio-comic expression, that his malady had many more symptoms +of fun than suffering about it, called out together-- + +"Oh, Doctor, by all means, tell us the nature of your late attack--pray +relate it." + +"With Mr. Lorrequer's permission I'm your slave, gentlemen," said Fin, +finishing off his glass. + +"Oh, as for me," I cried, "Dr. Finucane has my full permission to detail +whatever he pleases to think a fit subject for your amusement." + +"Come then, Doctor, Harry has no objection you see; so out with it, and +we are all prepared to sympathise with your woes and misfortunes, +whatever they be." + +"Well, I am sure, I never could think of mentioning it without his leave; +but now that he sees no objection--Eh, do you though? if so, then, don't +be winking and making faces at me; but say the word, and devil a syllable +of it I'll tell to man or mortal." + +The latter part of this delectable speech was addressed to me across the +table, in a species of stage whisper, in reply to some telegraphic +signals I had been throwing him, to induce him to turn the conversation +into any other channel. + +"Then, that's enough," continued he sotto voce--"I see you'd rather I'd +not tell it." + +"Tell it and be d____d," said I, wearied by the incorrigible pertinacity +with which the villain assailed me. My most unexpected energy threw the +whole table into a roar, at the conclusion of which Fin began his +narrative of the mail-coach adventure. + +I need not tell my reader, who has followed me throughout in these my +Confessions, that such a story lost nothing of its absurdity, when +entrusted to the Doctor's powers of narration; he dwelt with a poet's +feeling upon the description of his own sufferings, and my sincere +condolence and commiseration; he touched with the utmost delicacy upon +the distant hints by which he broke the news to me; but when he came to +describe my open and undisguised terror, and my secret and precipitate +retreat to the roof of the coach, there was not a man at table that was +not convulsed with laughter---and, shall I acknowledge it, even I myself +was unable to withstand the effect, and joined in the general chorus +against myself. + +"Well," said the remorseless wretch, as he finished his story, "if ye +haven't the hard hearts to laugh at such a melancholy subject. Maybe, +however, you're not so cruel after all--here's a toast for you, 'a speedy +recovery to Cusack Rooney.'" This was drank amid renewed peals, with all +the honors; and I had abundant time before the uproar was over, to wish +every man of them hanged. It was to no purpose that I endeavoured to +turn the tables, by describing Fin's terror at my supposed resemblance to +a highwayman---his story had the precedence, and I met nothing during my +recital but sly allusions to mad dogs, muzzles, and doctors; and +contemptible puns were let off on every side at my expense. + +"It's little shame I take to myself for the mistake, any how," said Fin, +"for putting the darkness of the night out of question, I'm not so sure I +would not have ugly suspicions of you by daylight." + +"And besides, Doctor," added I, "it would not be your first blunder in +the dark." + +"True for you, Mr. Lorrequer," said he, good-humouredly; "and now that I +have told them your story, I don't care if they hear mine, though maybe +some of ye have heard it already--it's pretty well known in the North +Cork." + +We all gave our disclaimers on this point, and having ordered in a fresh +cooper of port, disposed ourselves in our most easy attitudes, while the +Doctor proceeded as follows:-- + +"It was in the hard winter of the year __99, that we were quartered in +Maynooth, as many said, for our sins--for a more stupid place, the Lord +be merciful to it, never were men condemned to. The people at the +college were much better off than us--they had whatever was to be got in +the country, and never were disturbed by mounting guard, or night +patrols. Many of the professors were good fellows, that liked grog fully +as well as Greek, and understood short whist, and five and ten quite as +intimately as they knew the Vulgate, or the confessions of St. Augustine +--they made no ostentacious display of their pious zeal, but whenever +they were not fasting, or praying, or something of that kind, they were +always pleasant and agreeable; and to do them justice, never refused, +by any chance, an invitation to dinner--no matter at what inconvenience. +Well, even this little solace in our affliction we soon lost, by an +unfortunate mistake of that Orange rogue of the world, Major Jones, +that gave a wrong pass one night--Mr. Lorrequer knows the story, (here he +alluded to an adventure detailed in an early chapter of my Confessions)-- +and from that day forward we never saw the pleasant faces of the Abbe +D'Array, or the Professor of the Humanities, at the mess. Well, the only +thing I could do, was just to take an opportunity to drop in at the +College in the evening, where we had a quiet rubber of whist, and a +little social and intellectual conversation, with maybe an oyster and a +glass of punch, just to season the thing, before we separated; all done +discreetly and quietly--no shouting nor even singing, for the 'superior' +had a prejudice about profane songs. Well, one of those nights it was, +about the first week in February, I was detained by stress of weather +from 11 o'clock, when we usually bade good-night, to past twelve, and +then to one o'clock, waiting for a dry moment to get home to the +barracks--a good mile and a half off. Every time old Father Mahony went +to look at the weather, he came back saying, 'It's worse it's getting; +such a night of rain, glory be to God, never was seen.' So there was no +good in going out to be drenched to the skin, and I sat quietly waiting, +taking, between times, a little punch, just not to seem impatient, nor +distress their rev'rances. At last it struck two, and I thought--'well, +the decanter is empty now, and I think, if I mean to walk, I've taken +enough for the present;' so, wishing them all manner of happiness, and +pleasant dreams, I stumbled by way down stairs, and set out on my +journey. I was always in the habit of taking a short cut on my way home, +across the 'gurt na brocha,' the priest's meadows, as they call them, it +saved nearly half a mile, although, on the present occasion, it exposed +one wofully to the rain, for there was nothing to shelter against the +entire way, not even a tree. Well, out I set in a half trot, for I staid +so late I was pressed for time; besides, I felt it easier to run than +walk; I'm sure I can't tell why; maybe the drop of drink I took got +into my head. Well, I was just jogging on across the common; the rain +beating hard in my face, and my clothes pasted to me with the wet; +notwithstanding, I was singing to myself a verse of an old song, to +lighten the road, when I heard suddenly a noise near me, like a man +sneezing. I stopped and listened,--in fact, it was impossible to see +your hand, the night was so dark--but I could hear nothing; the thought +then came over me, maybe it's something 'not good,' for there were very +ugly stories going about what the priests used to do formerly in these +meadows; and bones were often found in different parts of them. Just as +I was thinking this, another voice came nearer than the last; it might be +only a sneeze, after all; but in real earnest it was mighty like a groan. +'The Lord be about us,' I said to myself, 'what's this?--have ye the +pass?' I cried out, 'have ye the pass? or what brings ye walking here, +in nomine patri?' for I was so confused whether it was a 'sperit' or not, +I was going to address him in Latin--there's nothing equal to the dead +languages to lay a ghost, every body knows. Faith the moment I said +these words he gave another groan, deeper and more melancholy like than +before. 'If it's uneasy ye are,' says I, 'for any neglect of your +friends,' for I thought he might be in purgatory longer than he thought +convenient, 'tell me what you wish, and go home peaceably out of the +rain, for this weather can do no good to living or dead; go home,' said +I, 'and, if it's masses ye'd like, I'll give you a day's pay myself, +rather than you should fret yourself this way.' The words were not well +out of my mouth, when he came so near me that the sigh he gave went right +through both my ears; 'the Lord be merciful to me,' said I, trembling. +'Amen,' says he, 'whether you're joking or not.' The moment he said that +my mind was relieved, for I knew it was not a sperit, and I began to +laugh heartily at my mistake; 'and who are ye at all?' said I, 'that's +roving about, at this hour of the night, ye can't be Father Luke, for I +left him asleep on the carpet before I quitted the college, and faith, my +friend, if you hadn't the taste for divarsion ye would not be out now?' +He coughed then so hard that I could not make out well what he said, but +just perceived that he had lost his way on the common, and was a little +disguised in liquor. 'It's a good man's case,' said I, 'to take a little +too much, though it's what I don't ever do myself; so, take a hold of my +hand, and I'll see you safe.' I stretched out my hand, and got him, not +by the arm, as I hoped, but by the hair of the head, for he was all +dripping with wet, and had lost his hat. 'Well, you'll not be better of +this night's excursion,' thought I, 'if ye are liable to the rheumatism; +and, now, whereabouts do you live, my friend, for I'll see you safe, +before I leave you?' What he said then I never could clearly make out, +for the wind and rain were both beating so hard against my face that I +could not hear a word; however, I was able just to perceive that he was +very much disguised in drink, and spoke rather thick. 'Well, never +mind,' said I, 'it's not a time of day for much conversation; so, come +along, and I'll see you safe in the guard-house, if you can't remember +your own place of abode in the meanwhile.' It was just at the moment I +said this that I first discovered he was not a gentleman. Well, now, +you'd never guess how I did it; and, faith I always thought it a very +cute thing of me, and both of us in the dark." + +"Well, I really confess it must have been a very difficult thing, under +the circumstances; pray how did you contrive?" said the major. + +"Just guess how." + +"By the tone of his voice perhaps, and his accent," said Curzon. + +"Devil a bit, for he spoke remarkably well, considering how far gone he +was in liquor." + +"Well, probably by the touch of his hand; no bad test." + +"No; you're wrong again, for it was by the hair I had a hold of him for +fear of falling, for he was always stooping down. Well, you'd never +guess it; it was just by the touch of his foot." + +"His foot! Why how did that give you any information?" + +"There it is now; that's just what only an Irishman would ever have made +any thing out of; for while he was stumbling about, he happened to tread +upon my toes, and never, since I was born, did I feel any thing like the +weight of him. 'Well,' said I, 'the loss of your hat may give you a +cold, my friend; but upon my conscience you are in no danger of wet feet +with such a pair of strong brogues as you have on you.' Well, he laughed +at that till I thought he'd split his sides, and, in good truth, I could +not help joining in the fun, although my foot was smarting like mad, and +so we jogged along through the rain, enjoying the joke just as if we were +sitting by a good fire, with a jorum of punch between us. I am sure I +can't tell you how often we fell that night, but my clothes the next +morning were absolutely covered with mud, and my hat crushed in two; for +he was so confoundedly drunk it was impossible to keep him up, and he +always kept boring along with his head down, so that my heart was almost +broke in keeping him upon his legs. I'm sure I never had a more +fatiguing march in the whole Peninsula, than that blessed mile and a +half; but every misfortune has an end at last, and it was four o'clock, +striking by the college clock, as we reached the barracks. After +knocking a couple of times, and giving the countersign, the sentry opened +the small wicket, and my heart actually leaped with joy that I had done +with my friend; so, I just called out the sergeant of the guard, and +said, 'will you put that poor fellow on the guard-bed till morning, for I +found him on the common, and he could neither find his way home nor tell +me where he lived.' 'And where is he?' said the sergeant. 'He's outside +the gate there,' said I, 'wet to the skin, and shaking as if he had the +ague.' 'And is this him?' said the sergeant as we went outside. 'It +is,' said I, 'maybe you know him?' 'Maybe I've a guess,' said he, +bursting into a fit of laughing, that I thought he'd choke with. 'Well, +sergeant,' said I, 'I always took you for a humane man; but, if that's +the way you treat a fellow-creature in distress.' 'A fellow-creature,' +said he, laughing louder than before. 'Ay, a fellow-creature,' said I-- +for the sergeant was an orangeman--'and if he differs from you in matters +of religion, sure he's your fellow-creature still.' 'Troth, Doctor, I +think there's another trifling difference betune us,' said he. 'Damn +your politics,' said I; 'never let them interfere with true humanity.' +Wasn't I right, Major? 'Take good care of him, and there's a half-a- +crown for ye.' So saying these words, I steered along by the barrack +wall, and, after a little groping about, got up stairs to my quarters, +when, thanks to a naturally good constitution, and regular habits of +life, I soon fell fast asleep." + +When the Doctor had said thus much, he pushed his chair slightly from the +table, and, taking off his wine, looked about him with the composure of a +man who has brought his tale to a termination. + +"Well, but Doctor," said the Major, "you are surely not done. You have +not yet told us who your interesting friend turned out to be." + +"That's the very thing, then, I'm not able to do." + +"But, of course," said another, "your story does not end there." + +"And where the devil would you have it end?" replied he. "Didn't I bring +my hero home, and go asleep afterwards myself, and then, with virtue +rewarded, how could I finish it better?" + +"Oh, of course; but still you have not accounted for a principal +character in the narrative," said I. + +"Exactly so," said Curzon. "We were all expecting some splendid +catastrophe in the morning; that your companion turned out to be the Duke +of Leinster, at least--or perhaps a rebel general, with an immense price +upon his head." + +"Neither the one nor the other," said Fin, drily. + +"And do you mean to say there never was any clue to the discovery of +him?" + +"The entire affair is wrapt in mystery to this hour," said he. "There +was a joke about it, to be sure, among the officers; but the North Cork +never wanted something to laugh at." + +"And what was the joke?" said several voices together. + +"Just a complaint from old Mickey Oulahan, the postmaster, to the +Colonel, in the morning, that some of the officers took away his blind +mare off the common, and that the letters were late in consequence." + +"And so, Doctor," called out seven or eight, "your friend turned out to +be--" + +"Upon my conscience they said so, and that rascal, the serjeant, would +take his oath of it; but my own impression I'll never disclose to the +hour of my death." + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +THEATRICALS. + +Our seance at the mess that night was a late one, for after we had +discussed some coopers of claret, there was a very general public feeling +in favour of a broiled bone and some devilled kidneys, followed by a very +ample bowl of bishop, over which simple condiments we talked "green room" +till near the break of day. + +From having been so long away from the corps I had much to learn of their +doings and intentions to do, and heard with much pleasure that they +possessed an exceedingly handsome theatre, well stocked with scenery, +dresses, and decorations; that they were at the pinnacle of public +estimation, from what they had already accomplished, and calculated on +the result of my appearance to crown them with honour. I had indeed very +little choice left me in the matter; for not only had they booked me for +a particular part, but bills were already in circulation, and sundry +little three-cornered notes enveloping them, were sent to the elite of +the surrounding country, setting forth that "on Friday evening the +committee of the garrison theatricals, intending to perform a dress +rehearsal of the 'Family Party,' request the pleasure of Mr. ____ and +Mrs. ____'s company on the occasion. Mr. Lorrequer will undertake the +part of Captain Beauguarde. Supper at twelve. An answer will oblige." + +The sight of one of these pleasant little epistles, of which the +foregoing is a true copy--was presented to me as a great favour that +evening, it having been agreed upon that I was to know nothing of their +high and mighty resolves till the following morning. It was to little +purpose that I assured them all, collectively and individually, that of +Captain Beauguarde I absolutely knew nothing--had never read the piece-- +nor even seen it performed. I felt, too, that my last appearance in +character in a "Family Party," was any thing but successful; and I +trembled lest, in the discussion of the subject, some confounded allusion +to my adventure at Cheltenham might come out. Happily they seemed all +ignorant of this; and fearing to bring conversation in any way to the +matter of my late travels, I fell in with their humour, and agreed that +if it were possible, in the limited time allowed me to manage it--I had +but four days--I should undertake the character. My concurrence failed +to give the full satisfaction I expected, and they so habitually did what +they pleased with me, that, like all men so disposed, I never got the +credit for concession which a man more niggardly of his services may +always command. + +"To be sure you will do it, Harry," said the Major, "why not? I could +learn the thing myself in a couple of hours, as for that." + +Now, be it known that the aforesaid Major was so incorrigibly slow of +study, and dull of comprehension, that he had been successively degraded +at our theatrical board from the delivering of a stage message to the +office of check-taker. + +"He's so devilish good in the love scene," said the junior ensign, with +the white eyebrows. "I say, Curzon, you'll be confoundedly jealous +though, for he is to play with Fanny." + +"I rather think not," said Curzon, who was a little tipsy. + +"Oh, yes," said Frazer, "Hepton is right. Lorrequer has Fanny for his +'Frou;' and, upon my soul, I should feel tempted to take the part myself +upon the same terms; though I verily believe I should forget I was +acting, and make fierce love to her on the stage." + +"And who may la charmante Fanny be?" said I, with something of the air of +the "Dey of Algiers" in my tone. + +"Let Curzon tell him," said several voices together, "he is the only ma +to do justice to such perfection." + +"Quiz away, my merry men," said Cruzon, "all I know is, that you are a +confoundedly envious set of fellows; and if so lovely a girl had thrown +her eyes on one amongst you__" + +"Hip! hip! hurrah!" said old Fitzgerald, "Curzon is a gone man. He'll be +off to the palace for a license some fine morning, or I know nothing of +such matters." + +"Well, Bat," said I, "if matters are really as you all say, why does not +Curzon take the part you destine for me?" + +"We dare not trust him," said the Major, "Lord bless you, when the call- +boy would sing out for Captain Beaugarde in the second act, we'd find +that he had Levanted with our best slashed trowsers, and a bird of +paradise feather in his cap." + +"Well," thought I, "this is better at least than I anticipated, for if +nothing else offers, I shall have rare fun teasing my friend Charley"-- +for it was evident that he had been caught by the lady in question. + +"And so you'll stay with us; give me your hand--you are a real trump." +These words, which proceeded from a voice at the lower end of the table, +were addressed to my friend Finucane. + +"I'll stay with ye, upon my conscience," said Fin; "ye have a most +seductive way about ye; and a very superior taste in milk punch." + +"But, Doctor," said I, "you must not be a drone in the hive; what will ye +do for us? You should be a capital Sir Lucius O'Trigger, if we could get +up the Rivals." + +"My forte is the drum--the big drum; put me among what the Greeks call +the 'Mousikoi,' and I'll astonish ye." + +It was at once agreed that Fin should follow the bent of his genius; and +after some other arrangements for the rest of the party, we separated for +the night, having previously toasted the "Fanny," to which Curzon +attempted to reply, but sank, overpowered by punch and feelings, and +looked unutterable things, without the power to frame a sentence. + +During the time which intervened between the dinner and the night +appointed for our rehearsal, I had more business upon my hands than a +Chancellor of the Exchequer the week of the budget being produced. The +whole management of every department fell, as usual, to my share, and +all those who, previously to my arrival, had contributed their quota of +labour, did nothing whatever now but lounge about the stage, or sit half +the day in the orchestra, listening to some confounded story of +Finucane's, who contrived to have an everlasting mob of actors, scene- +painters, fiddlers, and call-boys always about him, who, from their +uproarious mirth, and repeated shouts of merriment, nearly drove me +distracted, as I stood almost alone and unassisted in the whole +management. Of la belle Fanny, all I learned was, that she was a +professional actress of very considerable talent, and extremely pretty; +that Curzon had fallen desperately in love with her the only night she +had appeared on the boards there, and that to avoid his absurd +persecution of her, she had determined not to come into town until the +morning of the rehearsal, she being at that time on a visit to the house +of a country gentleman in the neighbourhood. Here was a new difficulty I +had to contend with--to go through my part alone was out of the question +to making it effective; and I felt so worried and harassed that I often +fairly resolved on taking the wings of the mail, and flying away to the +uttermost parts of the south of Ireland, till all was tranquil again. +By degrees, however, I got matters into better train, and by getting our +rehearsal early before Fin appeared, as he usually slept somewhat later +after his night at mess, I managed to have things in something like +order; he and his confounded drum, which, whenever he was not story- +telling, he was sure to be practising on, being, in fact the greatest +difficulties opposed to my managerial functions. One property he +possessed, so totally at variance with all habits of order, that it +completely baffled me. So numerous were his narratives, that no occasion +could possibly arise, no chance expression be let fall on the stage, but +Fin had something he deemed, apropos, and which, sans facon, he at once +related for the benefit of all whom it might concern; that was usually +the entire corps dramatique, who eagerly turned from stage directions and +groupings, to laugh at his ridiculous jests. I shall give an instance of +this habit of interruption, and let the unhappy wight who has filled such +an office as mine pity my woes. + +I was standing one morning on the stage drilling my "corps" as usual. +One most refractory spirit, to whom but a few words were entrusted, and +who bungled even those, I was endeavouring to train into something like +his part. + +"Come now, Elsmore, try it again--just so. Yes, come forward in this +manner--take her hand tenderly--press it to your lips; retreat towards +the flat, and then bowing deferentially--thus, say 'Good night, good +night'--that's very simple, eh? Well, now that's all you have to do, and +that brings you over here--so you make your exit at once." + +"Exactly so, Mr. Elsmore, always contrive to be near the door under such +circumstances. That was the way with my poor friend, Curran. Poor +Philpot, when he dined with the Guild of Merchant Tailors, they gave him +a gold box with their arms upon it--a goose proper, with needles saltier +wise, or something of that kind; and they made him free of their 'ancient +and loyal corporation,' and gave him a very grand dinner. Well, Curran +was mighty pleasant and agreeable, and kept them laughing all night, till +the moment he rose to go away, and then he told them that he never spent +so happy an evening, and all that. 'But, gentlemen,' said he, 'business +has its calls, and I must tear myself away; so wishing you now'--there +were just eighteen of them--'wishing you now every happiness and +prosperity, permit me to take my leave'--and here he stole near the door- +-'to take my leave, and bid you both good night.'" With a running fire +of such stories, it may be supposed how difficult was my task in getting +any thing done upon the stage. + +Well, at last the long-expected Friday arrived, and I rose in the morning +with all that peculiar tourbillon of spirits that a man feels when he is +half pleased and whole frightened with the labour before him. I had +scarcely accomplished dressing when a servant tapped at my door, and +begged to know if I could spare a few moments to speak to Miss Ersler, +who was in the drawing-room. I replied, of course, in the affirmative, +and, rightly conjecturing that my fair friend must be the lovely Fanny +already alluded to, followed the servant down stairs. + +"Mr. Lorrequer," said the servant, and closing the door behind me, left +me in sole possession of the lady. + +"Will you do me the favour to sit here, Mr. Lorrequer," said one of the +sweetest voices in the world, as she made room for me on the sofa beside +her. "I am particularly short-sighted; so pray sit near me, as I really +cannot talk to any one I don't see." + +I blundered out some platitude of a compliment to her eyes--the fullest +and most lovely blue that ever man gazed into--at which she smiled as if +pleased, and continued, "Now, Mr. Lorrequer, I have really been longing +for your coming; for your friends of the 4_th are doubtless very dashing, +spirited young gentlemen, perfectly versed in war's alarms; but pardon me +if I say that a more wretched company of strolling wretches never graced +a barn. Now, come, don't be angry, but let me proceed. Like all amateur +people, they have the happy knack in distributing the characters--to put +every man in his most unsuitable position--and then that poor dear thing +Curzon--I hope he's not a friend of yours--by some dire fatality always +plays the lover's parts, ha! ha! ha! True, I assure you, so that if you +had not been announced as coming this week, I should have left them and +gone off to Bath." + +Here she rose and adjusted her brown ringlets at the glass, giving me +ample time to admire one of the most perfect figures I ever beheld. She +was most becomingly dressed, and betrayed a foot and ancle which for +symmetry and "chaussure," might have challenged the Rue Rivoli itself to +match it. + +My first thought was poor Curzon; my second, happy and trice fortunate +Harry Lorrequer. There was no time, however, for indulgence in such very +pardonable gratulation; so I at once proceeded "pour faire l'aimable," to +profess my utter inability to do justice to her undoubted talents, but +slyly added, "that in the love making part of the matter she should never +be able to discover that I was not in earnest." We chatted then gaily for +upwards of an hour, until the arrival of her friend's carriage was +announced, when, tendering me most graciously her hand, she smiled +benignly and saying "au revoir, donc," drove off. + +As I stood upon the steps of the hotel, viewing her "out of the visible +horizon," I was joined by Curzon, who evidently, from his self-satisfied +air, and jaunty gait, little knew how he stood in the fair Fanny's +estimation. + +"Very pretty, very pretty, indeed, deeper and deeper still," cried he, +alluding to my most courteous salutation as the carriage rounded the +corner, and it lovely occupant kissed her hand once more. "I say Harry, +my friend, you don't think that was meant for you, I should hope?" + +"What! the kiss of the hand? Yes, faith, but I do." + +"Well, certainly that is good! why, man, she just saw me coming up that +instant. She and I--we understand each other--never mind, don't be +cross--no fault of yours, you know." + +"Ah, so she is taken with you," said I. "Eh, Charley?" + +"Why, I believe that. I may confess to you the real state of matters. +She was devilishly struck with me the first time we rehearsed together. +We soon got up a little flirtation; but the other night when I played +Mirabel to her, it finished the affair. She was quite nervous, and could +scarcely go through with her part. I saw it, and upon my soul I am sorry +for it; she's a prodigiously fine girl--such lips and such teeth! Egad +I was delighted when you came; for, you see, I was in a manner obliged +to take one line of character, and I saw pretty plainly where it must +end; and you know with you it's quite different, she'll laugh and chat, +and all that sort of thing, but she'll not be carried away by her +feelings; you understand me?" + +"Oh, perfectly; it's quite different, as you observed." + +If I had not been supported internally during this short dialogue by the +recently expressed opinion of the dear Fanny herself upon my friend +Curzon's merits, I think I should have been tempted to take the liberty +of wringing his neck off. However, the affair was much better as it +stood, as I had only to wait a little with proper patience, and I had no +fears but that my friend Charley would become the hero of a very pretty +episode for the mess. + +"So I suppose you must feel considerably bored by this kind of thing," I +said, endeavouring to draw him out. + +"Why, I do," replied he, "and I do not. The girl is very pretty. The +place is dull in the morning; and altogether it helps to fill up time." + +"Well," said I, "you are always fortunate, Curzon. You have ever your +share of what floating luck the world affords." + +"It is not exactly all luck, my dear friend; for, as I shall explain to +you--" + +"Not now," replied I, "for I have not yet breakfasted." So saying I +turned into the coffee-room, leaving the worthy adjutant to revel in his +fancied conquest, and pity such unfortunates as myself. + +After an early dinner at the club-house, I hastened down to the theatre, +where numerous preparations for the night were going forward. The green- +room was devoted to the office of a supper-room, to which the audience +had been invited. The dressing-rooms were many of them filled with the +viands destined for the entertainment. Where, among the wooden fowls and +"impracticable" flagons, were to be seen very imposing pasties and flasks +of champaigne, littered together in most admirable disorder. The +confusion naturally incidental to all private theatricals, was ten-fold +increased by the circumstances of our projected supper. Cooks and scene- +shifters, fiddlers and waiters, were most inextricably mingled; and as in +all similar cases, the least important functionaries took the greatest +airs upon them, and appropriated without hesitation whatever came to +their hands--thus the cook would not have scrupled to light a fire with +the violoncello of the orchestra; and I actually caught one of the "gens +de cuisine" making a "soufflet" in a brass helmet I had once worn when +astonishing the world as Coriolanus. + +Six o'clock struck. In another short hour and we begin, thought I, with +a sinking heart, as I looked upon the littered stage crowded with hosts +of fellows that had nothing to do there. Figaro himself never wished for +ubiquity more than I did, as I hastened from place to place, entreating, +cursing, begging, scolding, execrating, and imploring by turns. To mend +the matter, the devils in the orchestra had begun to tune their +instruments, and I had to bawl like a boatswain of a man-of-war, to be +heard by the person beside me. + +As seven o'clock struck, I peeped through the small aperture in the +curtain, and saw, to my satisfaction, mingled, I confess, with fear, that +the house was nearly filled--the lower tier of boxes entirely so. There +were a great many ladies handsomely dressed, chatting gaily with their +chaperons, and I recognised some of my acquaintances on every side; in +fact, there was scarcely a family of rank in the county that had not at +least some member of it present. As the orchestra struck up the overture +to Don Giovanni, I retired from my place to inspect the arrangements +behind. + +Before the performance of the "Family Party," we were to have a little +one-act piece called "a day in Madrid," written by myself--the principal +characters being expressly composed for "Miss Ersler and Mr. Lorrequer." + +The story of this trifle, it is not necessary to allude to; indeed, if it +were, I should scarcely have patience to do so, so connected is my +recollection of it with the distressing incident which followed. + +In the first scene of the piece, the curtain rising displays la belle +Fanny sitting at her embroidery in the midst of a beautiful garden, +surrounded with statues, fountains, &c. At the back is seen a pavillion +in the ancient Moorish style of architecture, over which hang the +branches of some large and shady trees--she comes forward, expressing her +impatience at the delay of her lover, whose absence she tortures herself +to account for by a hundred different suppositions, and after a very +sufficient expose of her feelings, and some little explanatory details of +her private history, conveying a very clear intimation of her own +amiability, and her guardian's cruelty, she proceeds, after the fashion +of other young ladies similarly situated, to give utterance to her +feelings by a song; after, therefore, a suitable prelude from the +orchestra, for which, considering the impassioned state of her mind, she +waits patiently, she comes forward and begins a melody-- + + "Oh why is he far from the heart that adores him?" + +in which, for two verses, she proceeds with sundry sol feggio's, to +account for the circumstances, and show her disbelief of the explanation +in a very satisfactory manner,--meanwhile, for I must not expose my +reader to an anxiety on my account, similar to what the dear Fanny here +laboured under, I was making the necessary preparations for flying to her +presence, and clasping her to my heart--that is to say, I had already +gummed on a pair of mustachios, had corked and arched a ferocious pair of +eyebrows, which, with my rouged cheeks, gave me a look half Whiskerando, +half Grimaldi; these operations were performed, from the stress of +circumstances, sufficiently near the object of my affections, to afford +me the pleasing satisfaction of hearing from her own sweet lips, her +solicitude about me--in a word, all the dressing-rooms but two were +filled with hampers of provisions, glass, china, and crockery, and from +absolute necessity, I had no other spot where I could attire myself +unseen, except in the identical pavillion already alluded to--here, +however, I was quite secure, and had abundant time also, for I was not to +appear till scene the second, when I was to come forward in full Spanish +costume, "every inch a Hidalgo." Meantime, Fanny had been singing-- + +"Oh why is he far," &c. &c. + +At the conclusion of the last verse, just as she repeats the words "why, +why, why," in a very distracted and melting cadence, a voice behind +startles her--she turns and beholds her guardian--so at least run the +course of events in the real drama--that it should follow thus now +however, "Dus aliter visum"--for just as she came to the very moving +apostrophe alluded to, and called out, "why comes he not?"--a gruff voice +from behind answered in a strong Cork brogue--"ah! would ye have him come +in a state of nature?" at the instant a loud whistle rang through the +house, and the pavillion scene slowly drew up, discovering me, Harry +Lorrequer, seated on a small stool before a cracked looking-glass, my +only habiliments, as I am an honest man, being a pair of long white silk +stockings, and a very richly embroidered shirt with point lace collar. +The shouts of laughter are yet in my ears, the loud roar of +inextinguishable mirth, which after the first brief pause of astonishment +gave way, shook the entire building--my recollection may well have been +confused at such a moment of unutterable shame and misery; yet, I clearly +remember seeing Fanny, the sweet Fanny herself, fall into an arm-chair +nearly suffocated with convulsions of laughter. I cannot go on; what I +did I know not. I suppose my exit was additionally ludicrous, for a new +eclat de rire followed me out. I rushed out of the theatre, and wrapping +only my cloak round me, ran without stopping to the barracks. But I must +cease; these are woes too sacred for even confessions like mine, so let +me close the curtain of my room and my chapter together, and say, adieu +for a season. + + + + +CHAPTER XVIb. + +[Note: There are two Chapter XVIs. In the table of contents, this one +has an asterisk but no explanation.] + +THE WAGER. + +It might have been about six weeks after the events detailed in my last +chapter had occurred, that Curzon broke suddenly into my room one morning +before I had risen, and throwing a precautionary glance around, as if to +assure himself that we were alone, seized my hand with a most unusual +earnestness, and, steadfastly looking at me, said-- + +"Harry Lorrequer, will you stand by me?" + +So sudden and unexpected was his appearance at the moment, that I really +felt but half awake, and kept puzzling myself for an explanation of the +scene, rather than thinking of a reply to his question; perceiving which, +and auguring but badly from my silence, he continued-- + +"Am I then, really deceived in what I believed to be an old and tried +friend?" + +"Why, what the devil's the matter?" I cried out. "If you are in a +scrape, why of course you know I'm your man; but, still, it's only fair +to let one know something of the matter in the meanwhile." + +"In a scrape!" said he, with a long-drawn sigh, intended to beat the +whole Minerva press in its romantic cadence. + +"Well, but get on a bit," said I, rather impatiently; "who is the fellow +you've got the row with? Not one of ours, I trust?" + +"Ah, my dear Hal," said he, in the same melting tone as before--"How your +imagination does run upon rows, and broils, and duelling rencontres," +(he, the speaker, be it known to the reader, was the fire-eater of the +regiment,) "as if life had nothing better to offer than the excitement of +a challenge, or the mock heroism of a meeting." + +As he made a dead pause here, after which he showed no disposition to +continue, I merely added-- + +"Well, at this rate of proceeding we shall get at the matter in hand, on +our way out to Corfu, for I hear we are the next regiment for the +Mediterranean." + +The observation seemed to have some effect in rousing him from his +lethargy, and he added-- + +"If you only knew the nature of the attachment, and how completely all my +future hopes are concerned upon the issue--" + +"Ho!" said I, "so it's a money affair, is it? and is it old Watson has +issued the writ? I'll bet a hundred." + +"Well, upon my soul, Lorrequer," said he, jumping from his chair, and +speaking with more energy than he had before evinced, "you are, without +exception, the most worldly-minded, cold-blooded fellow I ever met. What +have I said that could have led you to suppose I had either a duel or a +law-suit upon my hands this morning? Learn, once and for all, man, that +I am in love--desperately and over head and ears in love." + +"Et puis," said I coolly. + +"And intend to marry immediately." + +"Oh, very well," said I; "the fighting and debt will come later, that's +all. But to return--now for the lady." + +"Come, you must make a guess." + +"Why, then, I really must confess my utter inability; for your attentions +have been so generally and impartially distributed since our arrival +here, that it may be any fair one, from your venerable partner at whist +last evening, to Mrs. Henderson, the pastry-cook inclusive, for whose +macaroni and cherry-brandy your feelings have been as warm as they are +constant." + +"Come, no more quizzing, Hal. You surely must have remarked that lovely +girl I waltzed with at Power's ball on Tuesday last." + +"Lovely girl! Why, in all seriousness, you don't mean the small woman +with the tow wig?" + +"No, I do not mean any such thing--but a beautiful creature, with the +brightest locks in Christendom--the very light-brown waving ringlets, +Dominicheno loved to paint, and a foot--did you see her foot?" + +"No; that was rather difficult, for she kept continually bobbing up and +down, like a boy's cork-float in a fish-pond." + +"Stop there. I shall not permit this any longer--I came not here to +listen to--" + +"But, Curzon, my boy, you're not angry?" + +"Yes, sir, I am angry." + +"Why, surely, you have not been serious all this time?" + +"And why not, pray?" + +"Oh! I don't exactly know--that is, faith I scarcely thought you were in +earnest, for if I did, of course I should honestly have confessed to you +that the lady in question struck me as one of the handsomest persons I +ever met." + +"You think so really, Hal?" + +"Certainly I do, and the opinion is not mine alone; she is, in fact +universally admired." + +"Come, Harry, excuse my bad temper. I ought to have known you better-- +give me your hand, old boy, and wish me joy, for with you aiding and +abetting she is mine to-morrow morning." + +I wrung his hand heartily--congratulating myself, meanwhile, how happily +I had got out of my scrape; as I now, for the first time, perceived that +Curzon was bona fide in earnest. + +"So, you will stand by me, Hal," said he. + +"Of course. Only show me how, and I'm perfectly at your service. Any +thing from riding postillion on the leaders to officiating as brides- +maid, and I am your man. And if you are in want of such a functionary, +I shall stand in 'loco parentis' to the lady, and give her away with as +much 'onction' and tenderness as tho' I had as many marriageable +daughters as king Priam himself. It is with me in marriage as in +duelling--I'll be any thing rather than a principal; and I have long +since disapproved of either method as a means of 'obtaining +satisfaction.'" + +"Ah, Harry, I shall not be discouraged by your sneers. You've been +rather unlucky, I'm aware; but now to return: Your office, on this +occasion, is an exceedingly simple one, and yet that which I could only +confide to one as much my friend as yourself. You must carry my dearest +Louisa off." + +"Carry her off! Where?--when?--how?" + +"All that I have already arranged, as you shall hear." + +"Yes. But first of all please to explain why, if going to run away with +the lady, you don't accompany her yourself." + +"Ah! I knew you would say that, I could have laid a wager you'd ask that +question, for it is just that very explanation will show all the native +delicacy and feminine propriety of my darling Loo; and first, I must tell +you, that old Sir Alfred Jonson, her father, has some confounded +prejudice against the army, and never would consent to her marriage with +a red-coat--so that, his consent being out of the question, our only +resource is an elopement. Louisa consents to this, but only upon one +condition--and this she insists upon so firmly--I had almost said +obstinately--that, notwithstanding all my arguments and representations, +and even entreaties against it, she remains inflexible; so that I have at +length yielded, and she is to have her own way." + +"Well, and what is the condition she lays such stress upon?" + +"Simply this--that we are never to travel a mile together until I obtain +my right to do so, by making her my wife. She has got some trumpery +notions in her head that any slight transgression over the bounds of +delicacy made by women before marriage is ever after remembered by the +husband to their disadvantage, and she is, therefore, resolved not to +sacrifice her principle even at such a crisis as the present." + +"All very proper, I have no doubt; but still, pray explain what I confess +appears somewhat strange to me at present. How does so very delicately- +minded a person reconcile herself to travelling with a perfect stranger +under such circumstances?" + +"That I can explain perfectly to you. You must know that when my darling +Loo consented to take this step, which I induced her to do with the +greatest difficulty, she made the proviso I have just mentioned; I at +once showed her that I had no maiden aunt or married sister to confide +her to at such a moment, and what was to be done? She immediately +replied, 'Have you no elderly brother officer, whose years and discretion +will put the transaction in such a light as to silence the slanderous +tongues of the world, for with such a man I am quite ready and willing to +trust myself.' You see I was hard pushed there. What could I do?--whom +could I select? Old Hayes, the paymaster, is always tipsy; Jones is +five-and-forty--but egad! I'm not so sure I'd have found my betrothed at +the end of the stage. You were my only hope; I knew I could rely upon +you. You would carry on the whole affair with tact and discretion; and +as to age, your stage experience would enable you, with a little +assistance from costume, to pass muster; besides that, I have always +represented you as the very Methuselah of the corps; and in the grey dawn +of an autumnal morning--with maiden bashfulness assisting--the scrutiny +is not likely to be a close one. So, now, your consent is alone wanting +to complete the arrangements which, before this time to-morrow, shall +have made me the happiest of mortals." + +Having expressed, in fitting terms, my full sense of obligation for the +delicate flattery with which he pictured me as "Old Lorrequer" to the +Lady, I begged a more detailed account of his plan, which I shall shorten +for my reader's sake, by the following brief expose. + +A post-chaise and four was to be in waiting at five o'clock in the +morning to convey me to Sir Alfred Jonson's residence, about twelve miles +distant. There I was to be met by a lady at the gate-lodge, who was +subsequently to accompany me to a small village on the Nore, where an old +college friend of Curzon's happened to reside, as parson, and by whom the +treaty was to be concluded. + +This was all simple and clear enough--the only condition necessary to +insure success being punctuality, particularly on the lady's part. As to +mine I readily promised my best aid and warmest efforts in my friend's +behalf. + +"There is only one thing more," said Curzon. "Louisa's younger brother +is a devilish hot-headed, wild sort of a fellow; and it would be as well, +just for precaution sake, to have your pistols along with you, if, by any +chance, he should make out what was going forward--not but that you know +if any thing serious was to take place, I should be the person to take +all that upon my hands." + +"Oh! of course--I understand," said I. Meanwhile I could not help +running over in my mind the pleasant possibilities such an adventure +presented, heartily wishing that Curzon had been content to marry by bans +or any other of the legitimate modes in use, without risking his friend's +bones. The other pros and cons of the matter, with full and accurate +directions as to the road to be taken on obtaining possession of the +lady, being all arranged, we parted, I to settle my costume and +appearance for my first performance in an old man's part, and Curzon to +obtain a short leave for a few days from the commanding officer of the +regiment. + +When we again met, which was at the mess-table, it was not without +evidence on either side of that peculiar consciousness which persons feel +who have, or think they have, some secret in common, which the world wots +not of. Curzon's unusually quick and excited manner would at once have +struck any close observer as indicating the eve of some important step, +no less than continual allusions to whatever was going on, by sly and +equivocal jokes and ambiguous jests. Happily, however, on the present +occasion, the party were otherwise occupied than watching him--being most +profoundly and learnedly engaged in discussing medicine and matters +medical with all the acute and accurate knowledge which characterises +such discussions among the non-medical public. + +The present conversation originated from some mention our senior surgeon +Fitzgerald had just made of a consultation which he was invited to attend +on the next morning, at the distance of twenty miles, and which +necessitated him to start at a most uncomfortably early hour. While he +continued to deplore the hard fate of such men as himself, so eagerly +sought after by the world, that their own hours were eternally broken in +upon by external claims, the juniors were not sparing of their mirth on +the occasion, at the expense of the worthy doctor, who, in plain truth, +had never been disturbed by a request like the present within any one's +memory. Some asserted that the whole thing was a puff, got up by Fitz. +himself, who was only going to have a day's partridge-shooting; others +hinting that it was a blind to escape the vigilance of Mrs. Fitzgerald-- +a well-known virago in the regiment--while Fitz. enjoyed himself; and a +third party, pretending to sympathise with the doctor, suggested that a +hundred pounds would be the least he could possibly be offered for such +services as his on so grave an occasion. + +"No, no, only fifty," said Fitz. gravely. + +"Fifty! Why, you tremendous old humbug, you don't mean to say you'll +make fifty pounds before we are out of our beds in the morning?" cried +one. + +"I'll take your bet on it," said the doctor, who had, in this instance, +reason to suppose his fee would be a large one. + +During this discussion, the claret had been pushed round rather freely; +and fully bent, as I was, upon the adventure before me, I had taken my +share of it as a preparation. I thought of the amazing prize I was about +to be instrumental in securing for my friend--for the lady had really +thirty thousand pounds--and I could not conceal my triumph at such a +prospect of success in comparison with the meaner object of ambition. +They all seemed to envy poor Fitzgerald. I struggled with my secret for +some time--but my pride and the claret together got the better of me, and +I called out, "Fifty pounds on it, then, that before ten to-morrow +morning, I'll make a better hit of it than you--and the mess shall decide +between us afterwards as to the winner." + +"And if you will," said I, seeing some reluctance on Fitz.'s part to take +the wager, and getting emboldened in consequence, "let the judgment be +pronounced over a couple of dozen of champaigne, paid by the loser." + +This was a coup d'etat on my part, for I knew at once there were so many +parties to benefit by the bet, terminate which way it might, there could +be no possibility of evading it. My ruse succeeded, and poor Fitzgerald, +fairly badgered into a wager, the terms of which he could not in the +least comprehend, was obliged to sign the conditions inserted in the +adjutant's note-book--his greatest hope in so doing being in the quantity +of wine he had seen me drink during the evening. As for myself, the bet +was no sooner made than I began to think upon the very little chance I +had of winning it; for even supposing my success perfect in the +department allotted to me, it might with great reason be doubted what +peculiar benefit I myself derived as a counterbalance to the fee of the +doctor. For this, my only trust lay in the justice of a decision which I +conjectured would lean more towards the goodness of a practical joke than +the equity of the transaction. The party at mess soon after separated, +and I wished my friend good night for the last time before meeting him as +a bride-groom. + +I arranged every thing in order for my start. My pistol-case I placed +conspicuously before me, to avoid being forgotten in the haste of +departure; and, having ordered my servant to sit up all night in the +guard-room until he heard the carriage at the barrack-gate, threw myself +on my bed, but not to sleep. The adventure I was about to engage in +suggested to my mind a thousand associations, into which many of the +scenes I have already narrated entered. I thought how frequently I had +myself been on the verge of that state which Curzon was about to try, and +how it always happened that when nearest to success, failure had +intervened. From my very school-boy days my love adventures had the same +unfortunate abruptness in their issue; and there seemed to be something +very like a fatality in the invariable unsuccess of my efforts at +marriage. I feared, too, that my friend Curzon had placed himself in +very unfortunate hands--if augury were to be relied upon. Something will +surely happen, thought I, from my confounded ill luck, and all will be +blown up. Wearied at last with thinking I fell into a sound sleep for +about three-quarters of an hour, at the end of which I was awoke by my +servant informing me that a chaise and four were drawn up at the end of +the barrack lane. + +"Why, surely, they are too early, Stubber? It's only four o'clock." + +"Yes, sir; but they say that the road for eight miles is very bad, and +they must go it almost at a walk." + +That is certainly pleasant, thought I, but I'm in for it now, so can't +help it. + +In a few minutes I was up and dressed, and so perfectly transformed by +the addition of a brown scratch-wig and large green spectacles, and a +deep-flapped waistcoat, that my servant, on re-entering my room, could +not recognise me. I followed him now across the barrack-yard, as, with +my pistol-case under one arm and a lantern in his hand, he proceeded to +the barrack-gate. + +As I passed beneath the adjutant's window, I saw a light--the sash was +quickly thrown open, and Curzon appeared. + +"Is that you, Harry?" + +"Yes--when do you start?" + +"In about two hours. I've only eight miles to go--you have upwards of +twelve, and no time to lose. God bless you, my boy--we'll meet soon." + +"Here's the carriage, sir; this way." + +"Well, my lads, you know the road I suppose?" + +"Every inch of it, your honour's glory; we're always coming it for +doctors and 'pothecaries; they're never a week without them." + +I was soon seated, the door clapped to, and the words "all right" given, +and away we went. + +Little as I had slept during the night, my mind was too much occupied +with the adventure I was engaged in, to permit any thoughts of sleep now, +so that I had abundant opportunity afforded me of pondering over all the +bearings of the case, with much more of deliberation and caution than I +had yet bestowed upon it. One thing was certain, whether success did or +did not attend our undertaking, the risk was mine and mine only; and if +by any accident the affair should be already known to the family, I stood +a very fair chance of being shot by one of the sons, or stoned to death +by the tenantry; while my excellent friend Curzon should be eating his +breakfast with his reverend friend, and only interrupting himself in his +fourth muffin, to wonder "what could keep them;" and besides for minor +miseries will, like the little devils in Don Giovanni, thrust up their +heads among their better-grown brethren, my fifty-pound bet looked rather +blue; for even under the most favourable light considered, however Curzon +might be esteemed a gainer, it might be well doubted how far I had +succeeded better than the doctor, when producing his fee in evidence. +Well, well, I'm in for it now; but it certainly is strange, all these +very awkward circumstances never struck me so forcibly before; and after +all, it was not quite fair of Curzon to put any man forward in such a +transaction; the more so, as such a representation might be made of it at +the Horse-Guards as to stop a man's promotion, or seriously affect his +prospects for life, and I at last began to convince myself that many a +man so placed, would carry the lady off himself, and leave the adjutant +to settle the affair with the family. For two mortal hours did I conjure +up every possible disagreeable contingency that might arise. My being +mulcted of my fifty and laughed at by the mess seemed inevitable, even +were I fortunate enough to escape a duel with the fire-eating brother. +Meanwhile a thick misty rain continued to fall, adding so much to the +darkness of the early hour, that I could see nothing of the country about +me, and knew nothing of where I was. + +Troubles are like laudanum, a small dose only excites, a strong one sets +you to sleep--not a very comfortable sleep mayhap--but still it is sleep, +and often very sound sleep; so it now happened with me. I had pondered +over, weighed, and considered all the pros, cons, turnings, and windings +of this awkward predicament, till I had fairly convinced myself that I +was on the high road to a confounded scrape; and then, having established +that fact to my entire satisfaction, I fell comfortably back in the +chaise, and sunk into a most profound slumber. + +If to any of my readers I may appear here to have taken a very despondent +view of this whole affair, let him only call to mind my invariable ill +luck in such matters, and how always it had been my lot to see myself on +the fair road to success, only up to that point at which it is certain, +besides--but why explain? These are my confessions. I may not alter +what are matters of fact, and my reader must only take me with all the +imperfections of wrong motives and headlong impulses upon my head, or +abandon me at once. + +Meanwhile the chaise rolled along, and the road being better and the pace +faster, my sleep became more easy; thus, about an hour and a half after I +had fallen asleep, passed rapidly over, when the sharp turning of an +angle distended me from my leaning position, and I awoke. I started up +and rubbed my eyes; several seconds elapsed before I could think where I +was or whither going. Consciousness at last came, and I perceived that +we were driving up a thickly planted avenue. Why, confound it, they +can't have mistaken it, thought I, or are we really going up to the +house, instead of waiting at the lodge? I at once lowered the sash, and +stretching out my head, cried out, "Do you know what ye are about, lads; +is this all right?" but unfortunately, amid the rattling of the gravel +and the clatter of the horses, my words were unheard; and thinking I was +addressing a request to go faster, the villains cracked their whips, and +breaking into a full gallop, before five minutes flew over, they drew up +with a jerk at the foot of a long portico to a large and spacious cut- +stone mansion. When I rallied from the sudden check, which had nearly +thrown me through the window, I gave myself up for lost: here I was vis a +vis to the very hall-door of the man whose daughter I was about to elope +with, whether so placed by the awkwardness and blundering of the wretches +who drove me, or delivered up by their treachery, it mattered not, my +fate seemed certain; before I had time to determine upon any line of +acting in this confounded dilemma, the door was jerked open by a servant +in a sombre livery; who, protruding his head and shoulders into the +chaise, looked at me steadily for a moment, and said, "Ah! then, doctor +darlin', but ye're welcome." With the speed with which sometimes the bar +of an air long since heard, or the passing glance of an old familiar fact +can call up the memory of our very earliest childhood, bright and vivid +before us, so that one single phrase explained the entire mystery of my +present position, and I saw in one rapid glance that I had got into the +chaise intended for Dr. Fitzgerald, and was absolutely at that moment +before the hall-door of the patient. My first impulse was an honest one, +to avow the mistake and retrace my steps, taking my chance to settle with +Curzon, whose matrimonial scheme I foresaw was doomed to the untimely +fate of all those I had ever been concerned in. My next thought, how +seldom is the adage true which says "that second thoughts are best," was +upon my luckless wager; for, even supposing that Fitzgerald should follow +me in the other chaise, yet as I had the start of him, if I could only +pass muster for half an hour, I might secure the fee, and evacuate the +territory; besides that there was a great chance of Fitz's having gone on +my errand, while I was journeying on his, in which case I should be safe +from interruption. Meanwhile, heaven only could tell, what his +interference in poor Curzon's business might not involve. These serious +reflections took about ten seconds to pass through my mind, as the grave- +looking old servant proceeded to encumber himself with my cloak and my +pistol-case, remarking as he lifted the latter, "And may the Lord grant +ye won't want the instruments this time, doctor, for they say he is +better this morning;" heartily wishing amen to the benevolent prayer of +the honest domestic, for more reasons than one, I descended leisurely, as +I conjectured a doctor ought to do, from the chaise, and with a solemn +pace and grave demeanour followed him into the house. + +In the small parlour to which I was ushered, sat two gentlemen somewhat +advanced in years, who I rightly supposed were my medical confreres. One +of these was a tall, pale, ascetic-looking man, with grey hairs, and +retreating forehead, slow in speech, and lugubrious in demeanour. The +other, his antithesis, was a short, rosy-cheeked, apoplectic-looking +subject, with a laugh like a suffocating wheeze, and a paunch like an +alderman; his quick, restless eye, and full nether lip denoting more of +the bon vivant than the abstemious disciple of Aesculapius. A moment's +glance satisfied me, that if I had only these to deal with, I was safe, +for I saw that they were of that stamp of country practitioner, half- +physician, half-apothecary, who rarely come in contact with the higher +orders of their art, and then only to be dictated to, obey, and grumble. + +"Doctor, may I beg to intrude myself, Mr. Phipps, on your notice? Dr. +Phipps or Mr. It's all one; but I have only a license in pharmacy, though +they call me doctor." + +"Surgeon Riley, sir; a very respectable practitioner," said he, waving +his hand towards his rubicund confrere. + +I at once expressed the great happiness it afforded me to meet such +highly informed and justly celebrated gentlemen; and fearing every moment +the arrival of the real Simon Pure should cover me with shame and +disgrace, begged they would afford me as soon as possible, some history +of the case we were concerned for. They accordingly proceeded to expound +in a species of duet, some curious particulars of an old gentleman who +had the evil fortune to have them for his doctors, and who laboured under +some swelling of the neck, which they differed as to the treatment of, +and in consequence of which, the aid of a third party (myself, God bless +the mark!) was requested. + +As I could by no means divest myself of the fear of Fitz.'s arrival, I +pleaded the multiplicity of my professional engagements as a reason for +at once seeing the patient; upon which I was conducted up stairs by my +two brethren, and introduced to a half-lighted chamber. In a large easy +chair sat a florid-looking old man, with a face in which pain and +habitual ill-temper had combined to absorb every expression. + +"This is the doctor of the regiment, sir, that you desired to see," said +my tall coadjutor. + +"Oh! then very well; good morning, sir. I suppose you will find out +something new the matter, for them two there have been doing so every +day this two months." + +"I trust, sir," I replied stiffly, "that with the assistance of my +learned friends, much may be done for you. Ha! hem! So this is the +malady. Turn your head a little to that side;" here an awful groan +escaped the sick man, for I, it appears, had made considerable impression +upon rather a delicate part, not unintentionally I must confess; for as I +remembered Hoyle's maxim at whist, "when in doubt play a trump," so I +thought it might be true in physic, when posed by a difficulty to do a +bold thing also. "Does that hurt you, sir?" said I in a soothing and +affectionate tone of voice. "Like the devil," growled the patient. "And +here?" said I. "Oh! oh! I can't bear it any longer." "Oh! I perceive," +said I, "the thing is just as I expected." Here I raised my eyebrows, +and looked indescribably wise at my confreres. + +"No aneurism, doctor," said the tall one. + +"Certainly not." + +"Maybe," said the short man, "maybe it's a stay-at-home-with-us tumour +after all;" so at least he appeared to pronounce a confounded technical, +which I afterwards learned was "steatomatous;" conceiving that my rosy +friend was disposed to jeer at me, I gave him a terrific frown, and +resumed, "this must not be touched." + +"So you won't operate upon it," said the patient. + +"I would not take a thousand pounds and do so," I replied. "Now if you +please gentlemen," said I, making a step towards the door, as if to +withdraw for consultation; upon which they accompanied me down stairs to +the breakfast-room. As it was the only time in my life I had performed +in this character, I had some doubts as to the propriety of indulging a +very hearty breakfast appetite, not knowing if it were unprofessional to +eat; but from this doubt my learned friends speedily relieved me, by the +entire devotion which they bestowed for about twenty minutes upon ham, +rolls, eggs, and cutlets, barely interrupting these important occupations +by sly allusions to the old gentleman's malady, and his chance of +recovery. + +"Well, doctor," said the pale one, as at length he rested from his +labours, "what are we to do?" + +"Ay," said the other," there's the question." + +"Go on," said I, "go on as before; I can't advise you better." Now, this +was a deep stroke of mine; for up to the present moment I do not know +what treatment they were practising; but it looked a shrewd thing to +guess it, and it certainly was civil to approve of it. + +"So you think that will be best." + +"I am certain--I know nothing better," I answered. + +"Well, I'm sure, sir, we have every reason to be gratified for the very +candid manner you have treated us. Sir, I'm your most obedient servant," +said the fat one. + +"Gentlemen, both your good healths and professional success also:" here +I swallowed a petit verre of brandy; thinking all the while there were +worse things than the practice of physic. + +"I hope you are not going," said one, as my chaise drew up at the door. + +"Business calls me," said I, "and I can't help it." + +"Could not you manage to see our friend here again, in a day or two?" +said the rosy one. + +"I fear it will be impossible," replied I; "besides I have a notion he +may not desire it." + +"I have been commissioned to hand you this," said the tall doctor, with a +half sigh, as he put a check into my hand. + +I bowed slightly, and stuffed the crumpled paper with a half careless air +into my waistcoat pocket, and wishing them both every species of +happiness and success, shook hands four times with each, and drove off; +never believing myself safe 'till I saw the gate-lodge behind me, and +felt myself flying on the road to Kilkenny at about twelve miles Irish an +hour. + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +THE ELOPEMENT. + +It was past two o'clock when I reached the town. On entering the +barrack-yard, I perceived a large group of officers chatting together, +and every moment breaking into immoderate fits of laughter. I went over, +and immediately learned the source of their mirth, which was this: No +sooner had it been known that Fitzgerald was about to go to a distance, +on a professional call, than a couple of young officers laid their heads +together, and wrote an anonymous note to Mrs. Fitz. who was the very +dragon of jealousy, informing her, that her husband had feigned the whole +history of the patient and consultation as an excuse for absenting +himself on an excursion of gallantry; and that if she wished to satisfy +herself of the truth of the statement, she had only to follow him in the +morning, and detect his entire scheme; the object of these amiable +friends being to give poor Mrs. Fitz. a twenty miles' jaunt, and confront +her with her injured husband at the end of it. + +Having a mind actively alive to suspicions of this nature, the worthy +woman made all her arrangements for a start, and scarcely was the chaise +and four, with her husband, out of the town, than was she on the track of +it, with a heart bursting with jealousy, and vowing vengeance to the +knife, against all concerned in this scheme to wrong her. + +So far the plan of her persecutors had perfectly succeeded; they saw her +depart, on a trip of, as they supposed, twenty miles, and their whole +notions of the practical joke were limited to the eclaircissement that +must ensue at the end. Little, however, were they aware how much more +nearly the suspected crime, was the position of the poor doctor to turn +out; for, as by one blunder I had taken his chaise, so he, without any +inquiry whatever, had got into the one intended for me; and never awoke +from a most refreshing slumber, till shaken by the shoulder by the +postillion, who whispered in his ear--"here we are sir; this is the +gate." + +"But why stop at the gate? Drive up the avenue, my boy." + +"His honor told me, sir, not for the world to go farther than the lodge; +nor to make as much noise as a mouse." + +"Ah! very true. He may be very irritable, poor man! Well stop here, and +I'll get out." + +Just as the doctor had reached the ground, a very smart-looking soubrette +tripped up, and said to him-- + +"Beg pardon, sir; but you are the gentleman from the barrack, sir?" + +"Yes, my dear," said Fitz., with a knowing look at the pretty face of the +damsel, "what can I do for you?" + +"Why sir, my mistress is here in the shrubbery; but she is so nervous, +and so frightened, I don't know how she'll go through it." + +"Ah! she's frightened, poor thing; is she? Oh! she must keep up her +spirits, while there's life there's hope." + +"Sir." + +"I say, my darling, she must not give way. I'll speak to her a little. +Is not he rather advanced in life?" + +"Oh, Lord! no sir. Only two-and-thirty, my mistress tells me?" + +"Two-and-thirty! Why I thought he was above sixty." + +"Above sixty! Law! sir. You have a bright fancy. This is the +gentleman, ma'am. Now sir, I'll just slip aside for a moment, and let +you talk to her." + +"I am grieved, ma'am, that I have not the happiness to make your +acquaintance under happier circumstances." + +"I must confess, sir--though I am ashamed"-- + +"Never be ashamed, ma'am. Your grief, although, I trust causeless, does +you infinite honor." + +"Upon my soul she is rather pretty," said the doctor to himself here. + +"Well, sir! as I have the most perfect confidence in you, from all I have +heard of you, I trust you will not think me abrupt in saying that any +longer delay here is dangerous." + +"Dangerous! Is he in so critical a state as that then?" + +"Critical a state, sir! Why what do you mean?" + +"I mean, ma'am, do you think, then, it must be done to-day?" + +"Of course I do, sir, and I shall never leave the spot without your +assuring me of it." + +"Oh! in that case make your mind easy. I have the instruments in the +chaise." + +"The instruments in the chaise! Really, sir, if you are not jesting--I +trust you don't think this is a fitting time for such--I entreat of you +to speak more plainly and intelligibly." + +"Jesting, ma'am! I'm incapable of jesting at such a moment." + +"Ma'am! ma'am! I see one of the rangers, ma'am, at a distance; so don't +lose a moment, but get into the chaise at once." + +"Well, sir, let us away; for I have now gone too far to retract." + +"Help my mistress into the chaise, sir. Lord! what a man it is." + +A moment more saw the poor doctor seated beside the young lady, while the +postillions plied whip and spur with their best energy; and the road flew +beneath them. Meanwhile the delay caused by this short dialogue, enabled +Mrs. Fitz.'s slower conveyance to come up with the pursuit, and her +chaise had just turned the angle of the road as she caught a glimpse of a +muslin dress stepping into the carriage with her husband. + +There are no words capable of conveying the faintest idea of the feelings +that agitated Mrs. Fitz. at this moment. The fullest confirmation to her +worst fears was before her eyes--just at the very instant when a doubt +was beginning to cross over her mind that it might have been merely a +hoax that was practised on her, and that the worthy Doctor was innocent +and blameless. As for the poor Doctor himself, there seemed little +chance of his being enlightened as to the real state of matters; for from +the moment the young lady had taken her place in the chaise, she had +buried her face in her hands, and sobbed continually. Meanwhile he +concluded that they were approaching the house by some back entrance, to +avoid noise and confusion, and waited, with due patience, for the +journey's end. + +As, however, her grief continued unabated, Fitz. at length began to think +of the many little consolatory acts he had successfully practised in his +professional career, and was just insinuating some very tender speech on +the score of resignation, with his head inclined towards the weeping lady +beside him, when the chaise of Mrs. Fitz. came up along-side, and the +postillions having yielded to the call to halt, drew suddenly up, +displaying to the enraged wife the tableau we have mentioned. + +"So, wretch," she screamed rather than spoke, "I have detected you at +last." + +"Lord bless me! Why it is my wife." + +"Yes, villain! your injured, much-wronged wife! And you, madam, may I +ask what you have to say for thus eloping with a married man?" + +"Shame! My dear Jemima," said Fitz. "how can you possibly permit your +foolish jealousy so far to blind your reason. Don't you see I am going +upon a professional call?" + +"Oh! you are. Are you? Quite professional, I'll be bound." + +"Oh, sir! Oh, madam! I beseech you, save me from the anger of my +relatives, and the disgrace of exposure. Pray bring me back at once." + +"Why, my God! ma'am, what do you mean? You are not gone mad, as well as +my wife." + +"Really, Mr. Fitz." said Mrs. F. "this is carrying the joke too far. +Take your unfortunate victim--as I suppose she is such--home to her +parents, and prepare to accompany me to the barrack; and if there be law +and justice in--" + +"Well! may the Lord in his mercy preserve my senses, or you will both +drive me clean mad." + +"Oh, dear! oh, dear!" sobbed the young lady, while Mrs. Fitzgerald +continued to upbraid at the top of her voice, heedless of the disclaimers +and protestations of innocence poured out with the eloquence of despair, +by the poor doctor. Matters were in this state, when a man dressed in a +fustian jacket, like a groom, drove up to the side of the road, in a tax- +cart; he immediately got down, and tearing open the door of the doctor's +chaise, lifted out the young lady, and deposited her safely in his own +conveyance, merely adding-- + +"I say, master, you're in luck this morning, that Mr. William took the +lower road; for if he had come up with you instead of me, he'd blow the +roof off your scull, that's all." + +While these highly satisfactory words were being addressed to poor Fitz. +Mrs. Fitzgerald had removed from her carriage to that of her husband, +perhaps preferring four horses to two; or perhaps she had still some +unexplained views of the transaction, which might as well be told on the +road homeward. + +Whatever might have been the nature of Mrs. F.'s dissertation, nothing is +known. The chaise containing these turtle doves arrived late at night at +Kilkenny, and Fitz. was installed safely in his quarters before any one +knew of his having come back. The following morning he was reported ill; +and for three weeks he was but once seen, and at that time only at his +window, with a flannel night-cap on his head, looking particularly pale, +and rather dark under one eye. + +As for Curzon--the last thing known of him that luckless morning, was his +hiring a post-chaise for the Royal Oak, from whence he posted to Dublin, +and hastened on to England. In a few days we learned that the adjutant +had exchanged into a regiment in Canada; and to this hour there are not +three men in the __th who know the real secret of that morning's +misadventures. + + + + +EBOOK EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS: + +Air of one who seeks to consume than enjoy his time +Always a pleasure felt in the misfortunes of even our best friend +Chew over the cud of his misfortune +Daily association sustains the interest of the veriest trifles +Dear, dirty Dublin--Io te salute +Every misfortune has an end at last +Fighting like devils for conciliation +Half pleased and whole frightened with the labour before him +Hating each other for the love of God +He first butthers them up, and then slithers them down +He was very much disguised in drink +Least important functionaries took the greatest airs upon them +Might almost excite compassion even in an enemy +Misfortune will find you out, if ye were hid in a tay chest +Profoundly and learnedly engaged in discussing medicine +Rather a dabbler in the "ologies" +Recovered as much of their senses as the wine had left them +Seems ever to accompany dullness a sustaining power of vanity +The tone of assumed compassion + + + + + +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK CONFESSIONS OF LORREQUER, V2 *** + +******** This file should be named chl2w10.txt or chl2w10.zip ********* + +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, chl2w11.txt +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, chl2w10a.txt + +This eBook was produced by Mary Munarin +and David Widger <widger@cecomet.net> + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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