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diff --git a/old/52661.txt b/old/52661.txt deleted file mode 100644 index 9e8fcf3..0000000 --- a/old/52661.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2234 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Short and Sweet, by Adolphus Charles Troughton - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most -other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions -whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of -the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at -www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you'll have -to check the laws of the country where you are located before using this ebook. - -Title: Short and Sweet - A Comic Drama, in One Act - -Author: Adolphus Charles Troughton - -Release Date: July 27, 2016 [EBook #52661] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: ASCII - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SHORT AND SWEET *** - - - - -Produced by Paul Haxo with special thanks to the University -of California, Davis and Fordham University, especially -to Patrice Kane and Vivian Shen of the Department of -Archives and Special Collections at the William D. Walsh -Family Library. - - - - - -SHORT AND SWEET. - -A Comic Drama, -IN ONE ACT. - -BY -ADOLPHUS CHARLES TROUGHTON, ESQ., - -AUTHOR OF -"_Living too Fast_," "_Leading Strings_," "_Wooing in Jest and Loving -in Earnest_," "_Vandyke Brown_," "_Shameful Behaviour_," _&c._ - -THOMAS HAILES LACY, -89, STRAND, -(_Opposite Southampton Street, Covent Garden Market,_) -LONDON. - - - - -SHORT AND SWEET. - -_First performed at the Strand Theatre (under the Management of Mr. -SWANBOROUGH, Sen.), on the 10th of October, 1861._ - - -_Characters._ - -MR. SWEET (_of the Stock Exchange--a Friend - of Short's_) Mr. J. ROGERS. - -MR. SHORT (_of the same--a Friend of Sweet's_) Mr. CLARKE. - -STEPHEN (_a Footman_) Mr. EDGE. - -MRS. SWEET Miss BUFTON. - -MRS. SHORT Miss CARSON. - -MARIA (_Mrs. Sweet's Maid_) Miss TURTLE. - ------ -SCENE--Near the Crystal Palace. ------ - -_Costumes._ - -Mr. SWEET--_1st dress:_ morning dress. _2nd ditto:_ evening ditto. - -Mr. SHORT--Ditto ditto ditto. - -STEPHEN--Livery. - -Mrs. SWEET--_1st dress:_ morning dress. _2nd ditto:_ riding habit, hat -and feathers. _3rd ditto:_ evening dress. - -Mrs. SHORT--Ditto ditto ditto. - -MARIA--Smart muslin dress. - - - - -SHORT AND SWEET. - -SCENE.--_Short and Sweet's Lodgings, near the Crystal Palace--a -handsomely furnished Apartment, door, C.--backed by landing and -staircase, doors, L. 1. E. and 2 E.--fireplace, L. in flat--looking -glass over mantelpiece--vases and ornaments on mantelpiece--fender, -fireirons, &c.--door, R. 2 E.--a large round table, R., laid for -luncheon for four--chairs--an easy chair, L. of table--sofa against R. -in flat--sideboard against L. in flat--a work table and chairs, -L.--footstool near sofa._ - -_MRS. SWEET is seen, R., arranging the remains of a luncheon, from -which she and MRS. SHORT are supposed to have just risen--MRS. SHORT -sitting working at table, L._ - -MRS. SWEET. That tiresome husband of mine! What has he done with -himself? - -MRS. SHORT. Compose yourself, my dear; men of business, you know, are -not always their own masters. _My_ good man, you see, has not found -his way back yet. - -MRS. SWEET. Ah, you quite spoil Mr. Short. You know we don't agree -upon that subject. (_calls_) Come, come, William, come and take your -lunch! - -SWEET. (_within, R. door_) In one minute, my dear. I'm only just -drying my hands. - -MRS. SWEET. Vexatious! We shan't get the things cleared away all day. - -_Enter MR. SWEET, door, R. 2 E._ - -SWEET. Sorry to keep you waiting--couldn't help it, upon my honour. -Just as I was leaving the office, as the deuce would have it, in came -a gentleman on business--large transfer of stock, &c. &c.--and so I -lost the train. Never mind, there's plenty of time, so I'll just snap -up a bit of something, and be ready in the crack of a whip. (_sit at -table, R., and eats voraciously_) - -MRS. SWEET. Why, how you are eating, William! One would think you -hadn't tasted anything before to-day. - -SWEET. Nor more I have--to speak of--I was so late this morning, that -I was obliged to run away without my breakfast. - -MRS. SHORT. Oh, Mr. Sweet, how can you say so? Why, I helped you to -half a dozen kidneys, at least--there wasn't one left in the dish for -Mr. Short, when he came down after you left. - -MRS. SWEET. Ha, ha, ha! - -SWEET. No--did you, though? My impression was I only took a cup of -tea; (_eats voraciously_) but the fact is, I have so much upon my -stomach--I mean upon my mind--in the way of business, that really -these things make very little impression. However, hang business for -to-day, at all events--we shall have a splendid afternoon for our -ride--you'll enjoy it, I know, Mrs. Short, immensely. - -MRS. SHORT. Oh, yes, that I shall of all things--I haven't been out -for a ride once since my marriage, and I used to be such a horsewoman. - -SWEET. No; Short don't like it, I know. - -MRS. SWEET. I should like to see Mr. Short on horseback, -amazingly--ha, ha!--since Gilpin's ride to Edmonton--ha, ha! - -MRS. SHORT. Ha, ha, ha! (_checking herself_) And yet, though Henry is -rather inclining to be stout, you must admit that he carries himself -remarkably well. - -SWEET. (_to MRS. SWEET_) Really, my dear, you are too severe upon -Short. - -MRS. SWEET. I beg your pardon, Louise, I'm sure--I'm such a simpleton, -I must always laugh when I shouldn't--however, I think you had better -make your arrangements independently of him, for although I don't want -to be a wet blanket, I am convinced he won't go. - -SWEET. No, no--I'll undertake to persuade him when he comes in. -(_STEPHEN is seen to cross C. from R. to L._) Isn't that Stephen going -down stairs? Here, Stephen. - -_Enter STEPHEN, L. C._ - -Step over the way, to the livery stables, and tell them to send round -the horses I chose on my way to town this morning--then go on to Mr. -Billington's--my compliments, and we shall be happy to join him this -afternoon for a ride, at the appointed time--two o'clock. Let's see, -where did the note say we were to meet him? - -MRS. SHORT. (_eagerly_) In front of the Crystal Palace. - -SWEET. Ah, exactly--don't forget, Stephen--two o'clock precisely. - -STEPH. Two o'clock, sir--yes, sir. - -_Exit, L. C._ - -SWEET. (_rising and rubbing his hands_) Come, that's nicely -arranged--we shall have a charming ride over to Dulwich, see the -pictures, and get back in plenty of time to dress before we start to -dine with Billington, and then with the box at the opera, which he has -so politely presented us with, we shall have made out the day, in a -very superior, and I think I may almost venture to say, aristocratic -manner. Come ladies, make haste, get your habits on, or the horses -will be here before you are ready, and you know I can't bear to be -kept waiting. - -MRS. SWEET. I like that vastly. - -SWEET. What's the matter? - -MRS. SWEET. You can't bear to be kept waiting! but you don't mind -keeping other people waiting--then, too, I am to be ordered about at -beck and call--everything arranged for me beforehand!--I think at -least you might have enquired whether I felt _disposed_ to join you. - -MRS. SHORT. Oh, I'm sure, Fanny---- - -SWEET. Why, my dear Mrs. Sweet, you heart the whole thing canvassed -this morning between me and Mrs. Short, and you never made the -smallest objection. Besides, haven't I only just made you a present of -a magnificent riding habit--cost me ten pounds--and one of the most -wicked little wide-awakes in the world, with a bunch of cock's -feathers, all drooping over the crown! Come, now, you know you are -dying to put them on. - -MRS. SWEET. You think so, do you! - -SWEET. Yes, to be sure I do--you know you're an arrant coquette. - -MRS. SWEET. I sir!--a coquette. - -SWEET. Ah! ah! didn't I surprise you trying your hat on fifty -different ways before the glass this very morning--you are caught -there, I think! - -MRS. SWEET. It's not true! You did nothing of the sort! You're always -saying something of this kind, and since these are the sentiments you -entertain of me, I positively refuse to stir a foot with you--so you -may go without me! (_doggedly seating herself_) - -MRS. SHORT. (_eagerly_) Oh, Fanny! - -SWEET. (_coaxingly_) Now, really my dear--you can't be in earnest. - -MRS. SWEET. (_pettishly_) No, no, I won't go!--not an inch. (_crosses -and sits, R._) - -SWEET. Very well, Mrs. Sweet! very well! The old story! You haven't -contradicted me before to-day, and so you think it is full time to -begin. Was there ever such caprice? (_crosses to L._) - -MRS. SHORT. (_anxiously persuading her_) My dear Fanny, now do be -reasonable--you are not going to take offence without a cause?--a mere -word in joke--Mr. Sweet was only in fun--were you, Mr. Sweet? After -all Mr. Billington's politeness too, surely you'll go, it would seem -so personal. - -SWEET. To be sure! Insult a man like Billington! One of the first -houses in the City! Most respectable delightful creature like -Billington! Why, he keeps two carriages, a couple of saddle horses, -and a buggy! - -MRS. SHORT. Come now, Fanny, say you'll go. - -SWEET. (_coaxingly_) Do! There's a ducky! - -MRS. SWEET. Well, perhaps, I've been too hasty--say you didn't mean -it, William. - -SWEET. Oh no, my love--upon my honour I didn't mean it! - -MRS. SWEET. Well, then, as Mr. Billington will be expecting us, I -suppose I must go. - -MRS. SHORT. Now, if my husband would but come. - -MRS. SWEET. Oh, never mind him--if he is not in in time we'll go -without him. Come, we haven't a minute to spare, the horses will be -here directly. - -_Exit MRS. SWEET, door, L. 2. E., and MRS. SHORT, door, L. 1. E._ - -SWEET. (_looking after them_) "We'll go without him!" Exactly! That's -the way she carries it! if _I_ had been the absentee, and had only -been a quarter of a minute behind time, she would go without _me_, as -lieve as look at me--she treats me as if I had been married twenty -years instead of half as many months. But all applies to Short, just -as well as to me, and yet how he lords it over _his_ wife--she -actually seems to doat upon him--fondles him--pats him, gives way to -him--whereas Mrs. Sweet expresses her affection for me by snapping and -snubbing, and constant contradiction. It's extraordinary, I never -perceived it before we took these joint lodgings down here for the -sake of being near the Crystal Palace, for if we did sometimes quarrel -I always coaxed her into good temper again, but since I have witnessed -Short's happiness I confess my eyes are opened to the different state -of things existing in the two families, and I acknowledge that it -irritates me! annoys me! for I begin to feel myself in a very false -and ridiculous position! Oh, I must turn over a new leaf!--I really -must! I wonder how Short does it, for he is nothing like so -good-looking as I am--on the contrary, although he is my most -particular friend, he's a confoundedly ugly fellow. - -_Enter STEPHEN, L. 1 E._ - -STEPH. The horses are at the door, sir. - -SWEET. Very well, get my whip. - -_STEPHEN takes one off sofa, and gives it to SWEET, and exits, L. C._ - -SWEET. It's astonishing what an excitement I've worked myself into! -(_lashing the air with his whip_) I hope my wife won't happen to come -in just now, I am hardly safe to be trusted with this whip. - -SHORT. (_outside_) Are the lunch things taken away? I am almost -famished. - -SWEET. There he is, happy man! - -_Enter SHORT, door, L. C._ - -SHORT. (_speaking as he comes in_) Here, give me a chair! Give me a -chair! I am tired to death--fussed and worried out of my life! - -SWEET. Why, how late you are! We had almost given you up. - -SHORT. You're a pretty fellow to complain--here have I been chasing -about the city all day on any empty stomach--I can't neglect my -business as you do, and then I'm to be told you had nearly given me -up, forsooth. Here, Stephen, bring me up something or other to eat. -Why you have hardly left a scrap upon the table--Stephen, some come -meat! (_sits in easy chair, L. of table, R._) - -SWEET. What, are you going to make a heavy luncheon at this hour of -the day. I am surprised at that habit of yours, Short, I rarely take -anything between breakfast and dinner. - -SHORT. Nor more do I when I _get down first._ Who devoured the whole -dish of kidneys, and left me nothing for my breakfast but half a round -of cold toast? But, what's all that about outside? They're parading -four horses up and down before the house--one great brute nearly ran -over me as I was crossing the road. - -SWEET. (_sits R. of table, L._) That's exactly what you said when you -knocked down that Shetland pony in the Borough and trod upon it, and -then came fainting into a pastrycook's shop, swearing you had been run -over. What, didn't I tell you then that we are all going out for a -ride? - -SHORT. What do you mean by _all?_ _I_ am not going, I can tell you. Do -you think, at my time of life, I would trust myself to the back of a -horse from a livery stable? Why, when I was fifteen or twenty years -younger, in my wildest days, I never permitted myself anything beyond -a donkey on the sands at Ramsgate, and then only a quiet one. I never -could bear a fiery donkey. - -SWEET. Come now, you are not going to spoil sport--your wife has set -her heart upon it. (_rises and goes to SHORT_) - -SHORT. _My_ wife, Sweet, never sets her heart upon anything but what -mine's set on too, so you may send back two of the horses, I promise -you. - -SWEET. Do you mean to say you are going to take this step without -first consulting your wife? - -SHORT. Of course, I am. - -SWEET. What, on your own private authority, refuse Mrs. Short? - -SHORT. Refuse! There will be no necessity for that--I shall just say -_I don't go_, and she won't go either. - -SWEET. (_imitating_) Oh, you'll just say "You don't go," and she won't -go either, eh? (_aside_) Bluebeard! (_aloud_) Now really, Short, you -are joking with me! - -SHORT. You'll soon see whether I'm in earnest. - -SWEET. What, do you mean to pretend that she'll give in without -disputing the point--without a quarrel? - -SHORT. Not the slightest--_my_ wife always does as I wish her. - -SWEET. Oh, so does mine, so does mine, when we both wish alike. Come, -I bet you five pounds she goes. - -SHORT. Done! I tell you what it is, Sweet, when a woman once falls -violently in love with a man there's no end to the influence he has -over her. - -SWEET. (_aside_) Conceited old hippopotamus! (_aloud_) You'll lose -your money, depend upon it, _she'll_ not give way. - -SHORT. Well we shall see about that, for here she comes. - -_Enter MRS. SHORT, in hat and riding habit, through door, L. 1 E._ - -MRS. SHORT. Well, here you are, my dear, at last. (_with marked -playfulness patting his cheek_) You naughty hubby to be so late. -(_crosses to SHORT_) - -SHORT. Yes, Loo, here I am, very tired, I can tell you, and ravenous -for something to eat. - -MRS. SHORT. Oh, dear, dear, what can I tell them to get you? - -SHORT. Never mind, there is something coming--I have taken care of -myself--but, bless my heart, Loo, how smart you are! Why, you look as -if you were going to "ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross." - -MRS. SHORT. (_timidly_) Fanny and Mr. Sweet have been proposing---- - -SHORT. A ride on horseback--yes, I know--quite a cavalcade. Sweet has -been telling me. But shouldn't you have waited for my return before -you gave your consent? - -SWEET. (_aside_) What a terrible crime! - -MRS. SHORT. Well, Henry, dear, I didn't think you would-- - -SHORT. You know, Louisa, I am not fond of equestrian exercise. I never -even go to Astley's--but since you have been at the trouble of -dressing yourself, why I suppose I mustn't disappoint Mrs. Sweet and -her husband. - -MRS. SHORT. (_pleased_) Thank you, Harry, that's kind. - -SWEET. (_aside_) There's five pounds in my pocket. - -SHORT. (_ill-humouredly_) At the same time, of course, it will be very -dull and uncomfortable for me to be left all alone here while you are -out pleasuring--just like you wives, you always think of yourselves -first. (_with increasing ill humour_) But who the deuce was it put the -idea into your head? - -SWEET. Why, _I_ did, I believe: but to confess the truth, I should -never have dreamt of the thing if it hadn't been for Mr.---- - -MRS. SHORT. (_alarmed, and checking SWEET_) No, no! Never mind--it's -of no consequence--don't let us talk any more about it! (_she begins -to pull off her gloves_) - -SWEET. Why, Mrs. Short--what are you doing? (_rises_) - -MRS. SHORT. I see my husband doesn't wish me to go, and I feel now it -wouldn't be right to leave him; so, although he has given me _full -permission_ to go, I shall not avail myself of his _kindness_---- - -SHORT. (_looking at SWEET_) A--hem! - -SWEET. (_aside_) How on earth does he do it? What can be the nature of -the influence? He must do something to her. - -MRS. SHORT. Well, since I am not going, I may as well take off my -things. (_to SWEET_) You'll explain matters to Fanny. (_aside_) What a -fright he gave me! (_crossing_) Just as everything was arranged so -nicely--how vexatious! - -_Exit through door, L. 1 E._ - -SHORT. (_balancing himself, with his thumbs in his waistcoat, looking -triumphantly at SWEET_) I told you so. Hand me over five pounds! - -SWEET. (_taking out his purse and paying the money_) It isn't enough -that I am to be made sensible that I'm not half such a happy man as -you are, but I'm to pay for the conviction into the bargain! You're a -sorcerer! - -SHORT. No--the girl's devoted to me, that's all. - -SWEET. Go along with you--don't tell me--it won't bear thinking about! -Zounds, I shall become unhappy if I do--I won't stand it, Short! Hang -me if go to Dulwich either--hang me if I do!--and yet that will be no -punishment to Fanny, for she didn't wish to go herself. - -SHORT. Pray don't let me prevent _your_ going. - -_Enter STEPHEN, L. C., with cold meat._ - -(_to STEPHEN, L. C._) Come, what a time you've been. (_he sits down -and begins to eat_) - -SWEET. Stephen. - -STEPHEN. Yes, sir. - -SWEET. Tell the man to take back the horses to the stables, we are not -going. - -_Enter MRS. SWEET, as he is speaking, dressed in riding hat and habit, -through door, L. 2. E._ - -MRS. SWEET. What do you mean? Not going? - -SWEET. No, my dear, I have changed my mind. (_STEPHEN lingers for -further orders_) - -MRS. SWEET. What for? We are all ready, and here's Mr. Short come -home. - -SWEET. Yes, but you see he is busy. (_pointing to SHORT, who is eating -voraciously_) He doesn't wish to go, and _his_ wife remains at home to -keep him company. - -MRS. SWEET. But what in the name of goodness has all this to do with -us? - -SWEET. I tell you, Short doesn't want to go--and I desire, Mrs. Sweet, -there may be no further discussion on the subject--you understand! -(_imitating SHORT_) "I don't go!" (_aside_) That's it, I think, as -near as a toucher. (_aloud_) Stephen, do as I ordered you. (_STEPHEN -is about to go_) - -MRS. SWEET. Stop a moment, Stephen. - -SWEET. How, Mrs. Sweet, you venture to counter-order---- - -MRS. SWEET. No, no, but tell me. How strange you are--just now, when I -didn't care about going, you were violently in favour of it; and now -that I have consented and dressed myself to please you, you want to -stay at home. My dear William--what nonsense! Of course, we must go -now you have sent to say so. What can you be thinking about? - -SWEET. (_aside_) There she is again--arguing the point with me! How -different with Short; and yet that great hulky fellow, insensible of -his own happiness, sits there stuffing ready to burst himself. - -SHORT. (_looking up from his knife and fork_) Well, have you settled -the point? - -MRS. SWEET. My dear, Stephen is waiting for orders. (_coaxingly_) You -know I have already given way to you, Willie--it's now your turn. - -SWEET. (_aside_) I feel that I am yielding, and I can't help it. -(_aloud_) Well, that's true--so you did. (_aside_) Short's laughing at -me; but I mustn't exact too much from her at once. - -MRS. SWEET. Come, come--we shall be keeping them waiting. - -SWEET. Ah, to be sure, I didn't think of that. (_apologetically to -SHORT, and crossing to him_) You that makes all the difference, Short. -We have friends waiting for us. Stephen, you can tell the man to take -back only two of the horses. - -STEPHEN. Yes, sir. - -_Exit, L. C._ - -MRS. SWEET. There, that's like a man of sense; you may give me a kiss, -and then get your hat, and let us be off. - -SWEET. Certainly, Fanny, that habit of yours is monstrously becoming -to you! (_kisses her--aside_) That's all very well in its way, but I'm -a great ass for my pains notwithstanding. - -MRS. SWEET. Now, then, are you ready? - -SWEET. (_putting on his hat and taking his whip_) Good bye, Short, -take care of yourself. We shall find you at home I suppose when we -come back. - -SHORT. Oh, yes, no fear of that. A safe ride to you. Good bye. (_Exit -SWEET and MRS. SWEET, L. C._) Ha! ha! ha! there he goes! poor tame -snake! A model of a husband! - -_Re-enter, MRS. SHORT door, L. 1 E., without her habit, as at first._ - -MRS. SHORT. (_aside, looking after MR. and MRS. SWEET_) There they go. -How I should like to be with them! - -SHORT. I wish them joy. Ha! ha! Sweet will make more than one wry face -when he comes to sit down to dinner. (_seeing his wife_) Why, Loo, I -am afraid you don't stay at home with a good grace. - -MRS. SHORT. Oh don't say so, I am sure I am always delighted to be -with you--besides, it is no less a duty than (_in a lower tone_) a -pleasure to me. - -SHORT. (_eating heartily all the while he is talking_) Now, I ask you -if we are not ten times better off comfortably at home here with a -good luncheon before us, than if we were jolting about on the backs of -those brutes, exposed all the while to the danger--why, my dear, you -are in a brown study. - -MRS. SHORT. (_recollecting herself_) Eh! yes, certainly--what did you -say? - -SHORT. Who is it they are going with? - -MRS. SHORT. (_getting uneasy_) If you talk so much you'll spoil your -luncheon. - -SHORT. Well, I don't know how it is but my appetite's beginning to -fail. - -MRS. SHORT. (_bustling about the table to draw off his attention_) -Have a glass of sherry--here, let me pour some out for you. (_pours -out wine for him, and goes round to the R. of SHORT_) - -SHORT. Well, I have rather a weakness for a glass of sherry. (_having -drank it_) Another. (_she pours out another--aside_) If Sweet could -but see me now! (_aloud_) What a nice little parlour maid you would -make, Loo--why you are prettier than ever! (_chucks her under the -chin, and takes her by the hand to draw her towards him_) - -MRS. SHORT. (_with disinclination to meet his advance_) Oh, how cold -your hand is, (_breaking away from him, and running towards the bell, -L._) let me ring and tell them to light a fire for you. - -SHORT. No, no, never mind. Come here, I want to talk to you. Pour me -out another glass of wine. - -MRS. SHORT. (_observing him_) My dear! A third glass before dinner. - -SHORT. Why not? It warms me and does me good--come, give me a buss. -(_drawing her towards him_) - -MRS. SHORT. (_breaking away from him_) Oh! oh! - -SHORT. Why, what one earth's the matter? - -MRS. SHORT. Only a sudden stitch. (_keeping at a distance_) - -SHORT. I tell you I want to have a chat with you--come, sit by me. - -MRS. SHORT. (_taking her work and sitting at table, L._) Very well, -what shall we chat about? - -SHORT. Don't sit so far off. (_he is about to rise to go nearer to -her, but sinks back again into the chair_) There's my leg again! -Weugh!--what a grinder!--I haven't got rid of my gout yet. (_about to -rise_) - -MRS. SHORT. (_running to him with footstool_) Don't get up! Don't get -up! you'll hurt yourself--here, take this footstool. - -SHORT. (_rubbing his leg, and putting it on footstool, and then sits, -L._) Ah! that's better! That's more comfortable! (_aside_) If that -silly fellow, Sweet, could but see me! (_aloud_) I am as snug now as a -bug in a rug--what would poor Sweet give to exchange places with -me--this spring cushion instead of a hard saddle, and his leg up at -his ease!--talking of _him_ reminds me you haven't told me who's their -friend this morning? (_she seems to hesitate_) What don't you know? - -MRS. SHORT. (_confused_) Yes, oh yes--Mr. Billington, I believe. - -SHORT. Oh, Mr. Billington is it--a friend of the Sweet's--let's see, -we dine there to-day--a remarkably nice young man that Mr. -Billington--he is particularly civil to me lately whenever he meets me -in the City--I am sure nothing could be more polite and attentive than -his behaviour to us that night at the Sweet's, in town just before we -came down here--by the bye, how is it he never comes to _our_ house? - -MRS. SHORT. (_confused_) Why--I--I--never asked him--you know you are -so much away from home--I am so often alone that I-- - -SHORT. You are quite right, my dear--perfectly correct, certainly! -Appearances must be attended to--very proper conduct on your -part--delicate and correct in the extreme. (_aside_) Ecod--Sweet's -right! I am the happiest fellow under the sun. - -_Enter STEPHEN, L. C._ - -STEPH. Oh, sir! oh mum! such a shocking thing! - -MRS. SHORT. Good gracious, Stephen, what's the matter? - -STEPH. Oh, the poor gentleman! Poor Mr. Sweet! - -SHORT. Why, what has happened to him? - -STEPH. Oh, horrorble, sir! tremengeous! Throwed from his 'orse! dashed -his self to pieces! - -MRS. SHORT. Oh, good heavens, where is he? - -SHORT. Ah, this comes of steady men of business taking to riding, when -they're turned of five and forty! Poor fellow, poor fellow! - -_Enter SWEET, L. C., frightened out of his wits, leaning on his wife -and STEPHEN, apparently in great pain--MRS. SHORT and SHORT run to -meet him._ - -SWEET. Oh, oh! - -SHORT. My dear friend, what is it, tell me! - -SWEET. (_in a feeble voice_) Thrown--thrown from my horse. - -MRS. SWEET. (_with the greatest solicitude and affection_) _My poor_ -husband! Quick, quick, the sofa! (_STEPHEN wheels sofa to C._) Lay him -on the sofa!--gently!--there place you head upon my arm. Where is it -you're in pain? _Do_ tell us? - -SWEET. Oh, oh--here--here--there! (_seated on sofa, C._) - -MRS. SWEET. Run, Stephen, as fast as your legs will carry you for Mr. -Sawbone. - -SWEET. No, no, I won't see him, he'll cut both my legs off. - -MRS. SWEET. (_to STEPHEN_) Get your hat, we'll send you word if you -are to go. - -STEPH. Yes, mum. (_aside as he goes out looking at SWEET_) Well, he -_has_ gone and smashed his self. - -_Exit, L. C._ - -SHORT. (_examining and bending first his legs and then his arms_) -Courage! come, let me see where you're hurt. - -SWEET. (_the moment he is touched_) Oh, oh! - -SHORT. Have you broken a limb? (_examining_) No, your legs are all -sound, and so are your arms. Come, sit up, man, you're more frightened -than hurt. - -MRS. SWEET. Mercy be praised! How thankful I am! - -SHORT. (_to SWEET_) What a turn you have given me. Pour me out a glass -of wine, Loo. - -(_MRS. SHORT pours out a glass of wine, and as she is carrying it to -him, MRS. SWEET takes it out of her hand, and gives it to SWEET, who -drinks it_) - -MRS. SWEET. (_to MRS. SHORT as she takes the wine_) Thank you. - -SHORT. (_looking astonished_) That was meant for me! - -MRS. SWEET. (_to SWEET, not hearing SHORT_) How are you now, my dear? - -SWEET. Well, I feel a little better, but there's something gone! I'm -sure I felt it go! (_unbuttoning his waistcoat and feeling_) - -SHORT. Yes, it's one of your brace buttons, don't you see. - -MRS. SHORT. (_to MRS. SWEET_) How pale you are, Fanny! - -MRS. SWEET. (_recovering from her alarm_) It is passing off now. I -have had a little fright, that's all. - -SHORT. (_to SWEET_) You would go showing off your horsemanship, and -see what has come of it. - -SWEET. Not at all, I assure you. I was going along as quietly as -possible, getting gradually more confident and comfortable, when all -of a sudden a cursed little brute of a cur ran out of a yard close by, -and flew at the horse's throat. I thought something was going to -happen by the look of the mare's ears--and just as I was about to let -go the bridle and catch hold of the mane, up went her heels into the -air, and I was shot like a bullet from a gun slap over her head into -the road. - -SHORT. And poor little pug was kicked to death, I suppose. - -SWEET. No, I had my revenge. - -SHORT. How do you mean? - -SWEET. Why, I came down in a sitting posture, plump on his back--one -squeak, and it was all over. - -MRS. SWEET. (_seeing that nothing is the matter with her husband_) -Come, William, I think you are nearly all right again now. - -SWEET. Yes, my dear, thank you, I shall get round again in a day or -two, I dare say. You were far more frightened than I was. - -MRS. SWEET. (_smiling_) Oh come, William, I am not quite so sure about -that. Now the danger is over we can afford, you know, to laugh at it. -(_playfully_) You were not _at all_ alarmed, were you, dear? Ha, ha! -and the droll manner in which you fell, ha, ha! - -SHORT. Exactly; it certainly broke his fall, and the dog's back at the -same time. Much better than falling the other way. Ha, ha, ha! - -MRS. SWEET. (_with good-humoured merriment_) Ha, ha, ha! Only picture -to yourselves my husband's attitude after his descent, comfortably -sitting in the middle of the road without his hat. Ha, ha, ha! - -SHORT. Ha, ha, ha! With all the dirty little vagabonds in the parish -gathered around him! Ha, ha, ha! - -SWEET. (_getting offended_) I'm glad you're amused! I really don't see -the joke. - -MRS. SHORT. (_aside, to MRS. SWEET_) Don't, Fanny! he don't like it. - -MRS. SWEET. (_thrusting her handkerchief in her mouth_) I oughtn't to -laugh, perhaps, but I positively can't help it! Ha, ha, ha! - -SHORT. No, it makes one laugh in spite of one'self! Ha, ha, ha! - -SWEET. (_more offended_) Really, Mrs. Sweet, I consider this behaviour -of yours very extraordinary--not to say disgusting! Here have I been -within a hair's breadth of losing my life, and you are turning the -whole thing into ridicule. - -MRS. SWEET. Nay--now, don't be angry--I can't help myself. Ha, ha, ha! - -SHORT. Ha, ha, ha! Just imagine our friend here magnificently -enthroned in the gutter on the body of his prostrate enemy. Ha, ha, -ha! - -SWEET. Mr. Short--sir, leave off! - -SHORT. Well, it is not my fault--it was your wife set me off. Ha, ha, -ha! - -SWEET. (_looking angrily at his wife_) Yes, I know it was; and her -preposterous merriment explores her great want of feeling--the stony -nature of her heart! - -MRS. SWEET. (_trying in vain to repress her laughter_) Nay, now, -Willie-- - -SWEET. Yes, ma'am, I repeat it--the stony nature of your heart! - -MRS. SWEET. Now, Willie, it's ill-natured of you to say that. If I -could, for laughing, I should be angry with you. Ha, ha, ha! I -_cannot_ stop myself! Ha, ha, ha! - -SWEET. Damn it, madam--will you leave off? - -MRS. SWEET. I can't, William. Ha, ha, ha! The whole thing seems so -absurd to me now it's all over, that I really can't contain myself! -Ha, ha, ha! I shall do myself an injury! Ha, ha, ha! I'll go out of -the room, since it offends you. Ha, ha, ha, ha! - -_Exit, bursting with irresistible laughter, L. 2 E._ - -SWEET. (_pacing the stage in a passion_) Such scandalous want of -feeling is abominable!--revolting! - -MRS. SHORT. (_trying to pacify him_) Mr. Sweet, pray-- - -SWEET. (_interrupting her, and crossing to L._) No, Mrs. Short--I -appeal to you--I appeal to you, ma'am--suppose this misfortune had -happened to Short, do you think for one moment that _you_ would have -been capable of such behaviour? (_crosses to R._) - -SHORT. Ah, Sweet!--but there's no arguing by comparisons--all women -are not of the same sensitive disposition as my Louisa. I flatter -myself they don't all feel things alike. - -MRS. SHORT. But Fanny is the most affectionate creature in the world, -and I am sure, Mr. Sweet, is very sincerely attached to you. It was -evidently quite an hysterical affection wholly beyond her power to -control--one of those irresistible fits of laughter that we are all of -us subject to at times. - -SWEET. No, I shan't pass it off so easily, I assure you. How does she -know what may be the end of it? There may be after symptoms. - -MRS. SHORT. Oh, don't let us think of that--I trust that you are not -seriously hurt. Come now, I'll go and fetch her--you must kiss and be -friends--you must indeed. - -_Enter MARIA, door, L. 2. E._ - -MARIA. My mistress wishes to see you, ma'am. - -MRS. SHORT. Very well, Maria--I'll come directly. - -_Exit MARIA, door, L. 2 E._ - -(_to SWEET_) There, you see, she has sent for me to make it up with -you. - -SWEET. Mrs. Short--listen to me. - -MRS. SHORT. No, no--I'll not hear another word. You must be reconciled -to your wife this very minute on pain of my severe displeasure. -(_SWEET is about to object_) No, no, I can't hear you--not half a -syllable--I shall run and fetch her. - -_Exit, door, L. 2 E._ - -SWEET. What a treasure you have in that woman, Short--she is a perfect -pattern--a model--an incomparable model of conjugal devotedness. It's -a good thing for you I didn't see her first. (_sits on sofa, C._) - -SHORT. My dear friend, women are neither more nor less than what we -make them, at least in marriage. Louisa was not always the docile -obedient wife you now see her, not of course till all the tomfoolery -of the honeymoon was over, and I began to take the proper tone. - -SWEET. (_rises_) Ah, why didn't _I_ take the proper tone. - -SHORT. Exactly. (_rises_) But it requires a peculiar tact--the method -of proceeding, I believe, is a secret not possessed by all. - -SWEET. Take pity on me, Short--tell it me--show me how you do it, and -you'll bind me to you for life. - -SHORT. You want firmness--you give way--and when once a married man, -you know, allows _two_ voices in his house, it soon ends in there -being only _one_, and, you'll excuse me, Sweet, the result is, he is -led by the nose by his own wife, as "Iago" says in the play, "as -tenderly as asses are." - -SWEET. Yes, I am afraid I _have_ been a very _great_ ass, but shall I -suffer this state of things to go on till I become the laughing stock -of all my friends? No, never! I can't sleep at nights for thinking of -the difference between your wife and mine. Zounds! I'm resolved I -won't put up with it any longer! I'll be as much master in my own -house as you are--every jot as much. Who the devil are you that you -should carry it over me in this sort of way? Do you hear what I say, -Short? I insist upon being as much minded as you are, sir? I insist -upon it! What can I do to show my authority? I have it! I won't go to -the opera to-night!--I won't dine at Billington's--what do I care for -his mock turtle!--d--n his milk punch! I know she has set her heart -upon it, but I won't go. There'll be a precious kick up. She'll fly -into a passion--fall a crying--perhaps, have a fit--and shall I give -way? No, I'll stand like a rock! - -SHORT. Well said! bravo! but you'll be sure to give in again. - -SWEET. Give in--you shall see! - -SHORT. If you only keep your word you'll be sure to succeed. - -SWEET. Oh, I have been too much of a nincompoop all this while--too -good-natured--too indulgent--too---- - -SHORT. Hush, they'll hear you! Here they come--now _mind._ - -SWEET. (L.) Don't you trouble yourself, I'm just in the humour for -her! - -_Enter MRS. SWEET and MRS. SHORT, door, L. 2 E.--MARIA following with -an evening dress on her arm--STEPHEN enters, L. C., and wheels back -sofa to R. in flat._ - -MRS. SHORT. Never mind, Fanny--why, what a child you are--don't let -the dress put you out of temper, I am sure I can alter it for you. -(_to MARIA_) Lay it carefully on the bed. - -_Exit MARIA, door, L. 1 E._ - -(_to MRS. SWEET_) You must come and dress in my room. - -MRS. SWEET. Was there ever anything so vexatious? Stupid creature! -(_sits, L._) - -_STEPHEN removes luncheon and exit, L. C._ - -SWEET. (_aside to MRS. SHORT_) Well? - -MRS. SHORT. (_not at first understanding him_) Eh? Oh yes! (_aside_) -Well, I spoke to her about it, and I am sure she is very sorry for -what took place, so you mustn't think any more of it. - -SHORT. (_aside to SWEET_) Be firm--show determination! - -MRS. SHORT. (_aside to SWEET_) You promised me, you know, to make it -up with her. - -SHORT. (_aside to MRS. SHORT_) This is no place for us just now, -hadn't you better go and dress? - -MRS. SHORT. Wait a moment, I want just to speak---- - -SHORT. (_authoritatively_) My dear! - -MRS. SHORT. (_intimidated_) Very well. - -SWEET. (_observing them_) Astonishing! One work and he is obeyed at -once. - -SHORT. (_aside to SWEET_) Recollect! - -SWEET. (_aside to SHORT_) Never fear. - -SHORT. (_to his wife_) Now if you please. - -_Exit SHORT and MRS. SHORT, door, L. 1 E._ - -SWEET. Mrs. Short is right--she seems vexed, perhaps she is really -sorry. - -MRS. SWEET. (_rising_) These things only happen to me. - -SWEET. Whose fault is that, ma'am? - -MRS. SWEET. How was I to know I should be so misunderstood? - -SWEET. You should be more particular in what you say then. Think -before you speak. - -MRS. SWEET. Well, so I thought I did. I am quite grieved about it. -(_rings bell_) - -_Enter MARIA, door, L. 1 E._ - -MRS. SWEET. Has Mr. Billington's aunt sent the book of the fashions -she promised the other day to Mrs. Short? - -MARIA. No, ma'am. - -MRS. SWEET. Send Stephen for it directly then, and as soon as it comes -bring it to me--don't make any mistake now, bring it to me--you -understand? - -MARIA. Very well, ma'am. - -_Exit, L. C._ - -SWEET. (_aside_) She is off at a tangent now, about her finery. -(_aloud_) Your grief appears to be of short duration, ma'am. - -MRS. SWEET. I am sure I was quite in despair about it, but Louisa has -kindly undertaken to put matters to rights for me. - -SWEET. Mrs. Short, then, has undertaken more than she has any -authority for, and may find the task more difficult than she supposes. - -MRS. SWEET. Oh, I hope not, but if she doesn't succeed, I shall go -another way to work--a sharp knife will soon settle the business. - -SWEET. (_staggers back horrified_) A sharp knife!--you alarm me. What -for? - -MRS. SWEET. What for?--why to rip up the seam of my dress to be -sure--I want the upper skirt open at the side, trimmed with -flowers--there's nothing more becoming. - -SWEET. (_in disgust_) Trimmed with flowers! Fool, to suppose that _I_ -was in any way concerned in your vexation. - -MRS. SWEET. You--of course not--how should that concern you? - -SWEET. You have the face to ask me the question after your scandalous -behaviour just now? - -MRS. SWEET. Oh, that's what you've been driving at all this while--I -didn't understand you--you don't mean to say that you are still in a -bad temper about my joking you. (_laughs_) There I ask your pardon? -Shall I go down upon my knees? - -SWEET. No, by no means; laugh again, ma'am, if you like--pray don't -restrain yourself--but you will find for the future that I shan't give -way to all your whims and fancies quite as easily as I have done--it -doesn't answer. (_crosses to L._) - -MRS. SWEET. Come, now Willie, I didn't mean to offend you, (_smiling_) -the danger was all past you know. - -SWEET. No, ma'am, I am not in a laughing humour to-day, and as I see -nothing amusing in what has happened to me, and don't feel disposed to -go out, you will be pleased to stay at home to-night, ma'am. - -MRS. SWEET. (_smiling_) Very well. - -SWEET. Yes, but I mean it, Mrs. Sweet; I am not well--I am suffering -from the effects of my accident--wounded both in mind and body. -(_crosses to R._) - -MRS. SWEET. Where? Why didn't you see the doctor, then, when I wished -you? - -SWEET. Zounds, ma'am! a man may be wounded without having all his -bones broken--besides, I am not obliged to give a reason--I don't -choose to go, and I request you not to go either--I _order_ you not to -go! - -MRS. SWEET. Oh, very well, sir, as you please, of course; but since -you feel yourself so very, very ill, why on earth don't you go to bed? - -SWEET. Because I prefer to sit up. (_sits, R._) - -MRS. SWEET. Then you must allow me to say that your not going to-night -is a mere caprice, you would be just as well at the opera as sitting -up in this room. - -SWEET. Possibly! but I don't mean to put it to the proof. - -MRS. SWEET. (_altering her manner_) What, not for _my_ sake, Willie, -not if I coax you? I _do so_ wish to go, it is so seldom I have an -opportunity of going to the opera. - -SWEET. No, it's of no use--I tell you I won't go! - -MRS. SWEET. Really, this behaviour is most unpardonable, why you are a -completely altered man--I am surprised at you! - -SWEET. Yes, ma'am, I _am_ altered--totally altered! (_crosses to L._) -I have given way for the last time, and you'll be much _more_ -surprised when you find that I am firm--determined--fixed! - -MRS. SWEET. Well, I have never seen you in such a detestable temper -before in all my life. - -SWEET. You provoke me, ma'am! I am tired of being contradicted! Tired -of it! - -MRS. SWEET. What _can_ you mean, William? Why, if any one saw us we -should be set down for the most unhappy couple in the world. - -SWEET. So we are, Mrs. Sweet! so we are! although I wasn't aware of -till we came down here a month ago to these lodgings with the -Shorts,--I was contented enough before then, happy as the days were -long--sometimes giving into _your_ way, sometimes getting my own,--but -I was a fool then, and didn't know any better! Look at Short--my eyes -are opened now--see how much happier he is with _his wife_ than _I_ am -with _you!_ I wish, ma'am, to be obeyed like Short--to be observed -like Short--to be doated on like Short--to be caressed like Short--to -be petted like Short--to be patted like Short--to be _fat_ like Short! -Why ain't I of as much consequence as he is? Why is he always obeyed -when I am not? (_crosses to R._) - -MRS. SWEET. Because he is less extravagant in his desires, I suppose. - -SWEET. How, ma'am! - -MRS. SWEET. Or else, perhaps, because he has a more amiable way of -making his wishes understood. In a word--because he doesn't resemble -you. - -SWEET. This is downright personality--I give you fair warning--I am -getting into a most enormous passion! - -_Enter STEPHEN, L. C._ - -STEPH. Mr. Billington is here, ma'am. - -SWEET. We're not at home. (_crosses to L._) What does he want? - -STEPH. He says, sir, he waited this morning nearly an hour in front of -the Crystal Palace, according to appointment, and finding that you -didn't come he has called to enquire if there is anything the matter. - -SWEET. We can't see him--we're not at home. - -MRS. SWEET. Impossible, you can't mean it! What now, he is in the -house? - -SWEET. (_to STEPHEN_) Do you hear what I say? - -_Exit STEPHEN, L. C._ - -MRS. SWEET. I never would have believed that you could have behaved -like this--what _will_ Mr. Billington think of us? - -SWEET. What do I care? - -MRS. SWEET. You _must_ go to-night now, if it be only to apologize to -him--after keeping him waiting, too, all the morning. - -SWEET. It will be time enough to-morrow--I shall see him in the City. - -MRS. SWEET. I don't understand your conduct, William--it must be -simply to vex and annoy _me_, that you refuse to accompany me this -evening. - -SWEET. No, ma'am, I am acting advisedly, on principle. - -MRS. SWEET. Very well, sir--I see your object. You have determined to -make me unhappy, and you have perfectly succeeded. I am not accustomed -to these insane transports of passion, without the slightest motive. -Your cruel treatment has wounded me to that degree! (_crying_) What -have I done to deserve it? - -SWEET. (_softened_) Why, I can't help feeling---- - -MRS. SWEET. So happy as we always lived together, till we came down -here. You'll repent of this behaviour before long, depend upon it. I -see how it is--you want to make me your slave--the mere echo of your -own lordly will. Very well, sir--I submit; henceforward, you shall -find me the most submissive of wives--every wish shall be acquiesced -in--every command obeyed: but--(_sobbing_)--I--I shall never--never -love you any more! (_crossing, L., SWEET follows her, entreating, &c., -down, C._) - -SWEET. (_moved by her tears_) But Mrs. Sweet--Fanny--my dear--don't -cry--you _shall_ go to the Opera--I'll go with you--we'll _all_ go to -the Opera! - -MRS. SWEET. (_sobbing_) Oh, how unhappy you have made me! (_sobbing_) -I'll go,--go and dress myself, William, and then, perhaps, when you're -left to yourself, you'll be sor--sorry for what you have done! - -_Exit, sobbing, through door, L. 1 E._ - -SWEET. (_wiping his eyes_) I have behaved like a barbarian to her. - -_Enter SHORT, door, L. 1 E._ - -SHORT. Well, did it succeed? - -SWEET. (_testily_) No, it didn't. - -SHORT. You astonish me. - -SWEET. I am ten times more unhappy than I was before. I made her cry, -and I can't bear it. - -SHORT. Well, it is rather painful at first, but it will come easier by -and bye. - -SWEET. I tell you, then, I feel I have been making a brute of myself, -all through your confounded advice. - -SHORT. How, Sweet? What's that you say? - -SWEET. Certainly! Haven't you been boasting about your happiness, and -your influence over your wife, ever since you have been down here? -What the devil was that to me? What was it to me whether she -contradicted you or not? _My_ wife _was_ in the habit of contradicting -me, and I was accustomed to it. - -SHORT. Come--come! - -SWEET. I shan't! I say you have destroyed all my domestic peace! -(_crossing to L._) - -SHORT. You misunderstand me, Sweet. Is that the way to talk to a -friend? - -SWEET. You are no friend of mine--you're an interfering meddling old -fellow. That has always been your great fault--interfering in what -doesn't concern you! (_sits, L._) - -SHORT. Come, I say, that's a little too strong! Weren't you -everlastingly boring me with your complaints--how I did this, and how -I did t'other. Why I was always able to get my own way, when you -couldn't get yours. Well, then, since you're so ungrateful--since you -put me to it--I'll tell you why. Simply because your wife doesn't care -a straw for you! - -SWEET. (_rises_) Short! - -SHORT. No, not a button, depend upon it. - -SWEET. It's false--she does. Give me your reason for saying so. - -SHORT. What better proof of it can you have than the fact of you not -being happy with her? You see how happy I am with mine. - -SWEET. Not happy with her! Do you mean seriously to insinuate that I -am not happy with her? Take care what you are doing, Short. Don't try -to disenchant my life with horrible suspicions, but even if it were -so, I shall never win her back to me by violence and quarrelling. -(_sits, L._) - -SHORT. Of course not, I never think of quarrelling with my wife, and -as to violence, I hate it--on the contrary, I sometimes show her -little delicate attentions which women know well how to -appreciate--for instance, she is going to the Opera to-night--well, -what do I do? Why I send up to Covent Garden market, and buy her a -bouquet. Billington was going to buy some for himself, and I entrusted -him with the commission. (_SWEET rises and runs, C._) Where are you -going? - -SWEET. To buy something for my wife. - -SHORT. Buy something--what? - -SWEET. I don't know--anything--half a dozen things--everything I can -find. - -SHORT. Stay, stay! - -SWEET. Don't hinder me! Let's see, have I any money--yes, all right! -I'll tell them to send in their whole stock for selection--the first -shop I come to. - -SHORT. (_detaining him_) Sweet, don't be a fool--the first shop you -come to's a pork butcher's! - -_Enter MARIA, L. C., with the book of the fashions._ - -SWEET. Well, what do you want? - -MARIA. I beg your pardon, sir, I though my mistress was here. - -SWEET. She's in Mrs. Short's room. What's that? (_pointing to the -book_) - -MARIA. The fashion book, sir. - -SWEET. A capital thought. Give it to me. - -MARIA. My mistress told me most particularly, sir, not to give it to -any one but her. - -SWEET. Never mind; I'll take it to her myself. (_MARIA gives the -book_) There, that will do. I'll see to it. - -MARIA. Thank you, sir. - -_Exit door, L. 2 E._ - -SWEET. I am glad I've got hold of this first; perhaps I shall be able -to find something she might take a fancy to. I know her taste. (_opens -the book_) - -SHORT. (_aside_) He'll never get on with his wife; he has no tact--not -the slightest. (_observing SWEET_) Good gracious! Sweet, what's the -matter? don't you feel well? - -SWEET. What's this? - -SHORT. What is it? Why you see what it is; the book of the fashions. - -SWEET. (L.) What can it mean? - -SHORT. (_R.--looking into the book_) A note! - -SWEET. Written in pencil! without address or signature! - -SHORT. (_feeling for his spectacles_) Where are my spectacles? - -SWEET. Why am I afraid to read it? Why do I tremble from head to foot? -I am in a cold perspiration! Short! - -SHORT. Written in pencil. - -SWEET. I have seen the hand somewhere. - -SHORT. Whose do you think it is? - -SWEET. It strikes me all at once! It's Billington's! - -SHORT. Stop an instant, let me go and find my glasses. - -SWEET. (_seizing hold of his arm_) Did you mark what the girl said, -that she was to be sure and give the book to nobody but my wife? - -SHORT. Yes, I heard her say that. - -SWEET. Let me read. (_reads_) "I waited for you all the morning." So -he did! - -SHORT. Go on. - -SWEET. (_reads_) "I am afraid to ask why you didn't come. It is now -five days since I have seen you; this is cruel, but I implore of you -to give me an interview to-morrow in the lane at the back of the house -at 2 o'clock if it be but for ten minutes. We shall meet this evening, -but I shall have no opportunity of being alone with you. You will not -refuse if you return the feelings that are consuming me." - -(_they look at each other, then after a short pause, SWEET falls into -SHORT'S arms_) - -SHORT. Take care, you'll have me down! Bear it like a man! There, take -this chair; try and recover yourself. - -(_he supports him to a chair, R._) - -SWEET. (_sinking into the chair_) Oh, Short! - -SHORT. Never mind, my dear fellow, I'll stand by you. I'm your friend. - -SWEET. Oh for some vent to my feelings!--something to tear! (_he -snatches SHORT'S handkerchief from his pocket and tears it_) - -SHORT. What the devil are you doing? That's one of my best half-dozen -French cambric. (_gathering up the pieces and putting them into his -pocket_) - -SWEET. (_starting up_) Short, are you a good pistol shot? - -SHORT. (_staggered by the question_) A good pistol shot? no, I never -fired a pistol in my life. - -SWEET. You'll revenge me if I fall? I expect it of you as my friend; -you said you'd stand by me. - -SHORT. You don't mean to say you're going to challenge him? - -SWEET. What, not after he has seduced my wife's affections? - -SHORT. (_aside_) What a lucky thing Louisa never asked him to call. - -SWEET. Fight him, yes! across a handkerchief, in my shirt sleeves, -with a pistol in one hand and a sword in the other; you surely don't -mean that you would be likely to take any active steps to prevent the -meeting? - -SHORT. Certainly not, if you don't wish it. - -SWEET. What you wouldn't for instance, you think, be likely to go -before a magistrate, or anything of that sort? - -SHORT. (_laying his hand upon his heart_) You may rely upon my -friendship for not interfering. - -SWEET. (_aside_) He can't be in earnest. (_aloud_) Why you are as -bloodthirsty as I am--the traitress! that was why she was so anxious -to see him when he called; that was why she wanted to go the Opera -to-night. But let me seek for some further proof against -her--something to utterly confound her. (_he begins to read the letter -to himself_) - -SHORT. (_also trying to read the letter over SWEET'S shoulder_) I -can't see a word without my glasses, what can I have done with them? -Wait a moment, they must be somewhere in the room. (_he goes to the -back of the stage to look for his glasses, and discovers to the -Audience that they are hanging at his back_) - -SWEET. (_reading to himself in a low tone, while SHORT is searching -for his spectacles at the back_) Ah! "If you grant my request, carry -the bouquet of violets to-night, which I have taken measures for your -receiving from a safe hand, which can awaken no suspicion." -(_aloud--shouting_) The viper! - -SHORT. (_giving up the search, and coming forward_) What have you -found? anything fresh? - -SWEET. (_showing him the letter_) Look--read--judge for yourself? - -SHORT. (_trying in vain to read the letter_) No, it's no use--confound -it, I can't make out a word. - -SWEET. A signal! a signal, Short! think of that! They are actually -carry on a secret correspondence, by means of signals. - -SHORT. What signals? Why the devil don't you read the letter? - -SWEET. She shall _go_ to-night, _she shall go_, but I'll _watch_ her -like a lynx. - -SHORT. Now be prudent; let me intreat of you to do nothing rashly. - -SWEET. (_vehemently, putting back the letter into the book_) I'll give -it her with my own hand, and she how she takes it! - -SHORT. (_restraining him_) No, no, no; let me beg of you. In your -present state of excitement it would be madness; let _me_ give it to -her, I shall be able to see more than you will, I am cooler--more -collected. - -SWEET. Do you think so? Well, perhaps you are right. (_gives SHORT the -book_) - -SHORT. Leave me to deal with her alone, Sweet; you are not fit to be -trusted just at present. Go and dress, go to your own room, and -endeavour to calm yourself. - -SWEET. Calm myself? Ha, ha! I have a good mind to jump out of the -window! Don't leave me long, or I shall do myself a mischief--I'm in a -state of desperation. (_seizes a knife from the table--SHORT takes it -from him--exit through door, R._) - -SHORT. Poor fellow, he's in a pitiable condition; but he has brought -it all upon himself, by over-indulging his wife to that absurd extent -that he has completely ruined his own domestic happiness. It might -have been just the same with me, if I had been fool enough to walk in -his footsteps. I wish I could make out the contents of this letter -though! Stay! - -_Enter MRS. SWEET and MRS. SHORT, as he is about to open the book, -door, L. 1 E., in evening dress, both carrying bouquets._ - -MRS. SWEET. (_looking down at the dress she wears_) The dress looks as -well again so--I am delighted with the alteration. - -SHORT. (_aside_) What tranquility in guilt--she's a cool hand! - -MRS. SWEET. (_seeing SHORT_) What, not ready yet, Mr. Short? Won't you -be late? Where is my husband? - -SHORT. (_with an absurd assumption of dignity_) He is dressing, madam. - -MRS. SWEET. (_surprised at his manner_) Well, that is a very singular -manner of telling me so! - -SHORT. I am not aware, madam, that there is anything more singular in -my manner than in another's. (_with ridiculous significance, after a -pause_) Allow me to give you this book. - -MRS. SWEET. (_taking it quickly_) Oh, here it is at last--thank you! - -SHORT. (_aside_) How she betrays herself! - -MRS. SWEET. I am afraid, Mr. Short, something has put you out. - -SHORT. Possibly something has, madam. - -_Exit, door, R._ - -MRS. SWEET. (_looking after him_) What is the matter with your -husband, Louisa? He appears to be in the high ropes about something. - -MRS. SHORT. (_anxiously_) I haven't the smallest idea--he seemed very -strange. - -MRS. SWEET. He's an oddity! I could scarcely keep my countenance, -although I am by no means in a merry humour. The gentlemen are -bewitched, I think--_my_ good man in not in a _very_ amiable frame of -mind either. Ah, well, we must leave them alone, and they'll come -round at their leisure, I suppose. - -MRS. SHORT. (_anxiously_) What can be the reason, I wonder? - -MRS. SWEET. There, now, you're going to torment yourself about that. -Why don't you treat these things as I do? You are always in a state of -adoration of your husband--to his face, too. It is really very absurd -of you, and is quite spoiling him--besides, it is not only bad policy -as far are you are concerned, but it does me a positive injury also. -Here have I had a regular scene with William, and have been indulged -with some charming comparisons in your favour. (_she carelessly opens -the book, and looks at the pictures_) Oh, come, you have succeeded -most admirably with my dress. See--look here--(_comparing the dress -she has on with the one in the book_)--it is exactly as you have done -it. - -MRS. SHORT. (_in an absent manner, scarcely looking at it_) Yes, I -see. - -MRS. SWEET. (_picking up the note which has fallen out of the book_) -Why, here's a note. Louisa, you are dreaming--see, here's a note. - -MRS. SHORT. (_quickly_) A note? - -MRS. SWEET. Yes--fallen out of the book. Is it for us, do you think? I -seem to know the hand--to be sure, it is Mr. Billington's. - -MRS. SHORT. (_glancing at the writing_) No, no--put it back again--put -it back again into the book. - -MRS. SWEET. What for? What a hurry you're in! - -MRS. SHORT. (_trying to get hold of the note, which MRS. SWEET holds -from her_) No, my dear Fanny, we have no right to read it; consider, -it may have been sent in mistake! - -MRS. SWEET. There appears to be neither address nor signature. Oh, -it's some message about returning the book. (_reads_) "I waited for -you all the morning--I am afraid to ask why you didn't come--It is now -five days since I saw you--this is cruel; but I implore of you to give -me an interview to-morrow in the lane at the back of the house, at two -o'clock, if it be only for ten minutes. We shall meet this evening, -but I shall have no opportunity of being alone with you. You will not -refuse if you return the feelings that are consuming me." - -MRS. SHORT. (_interrupting her in great confusion_) Fanny, how can -you! pray put it back again! - -MRS. SWEET. (_continuing to read_) "If you grant my request carry the -bouquet of violets to-night, (_she stops and looks at MRS. SHORT'S -bouquet, then goes on_) which I have taken measures for your receiving -from a safe hand which can awaken no suspicion." An extraordinary -epistle! (_to MRS. SHORT, who is in great confusion, and hangs down -her head_) That bouquet!--those conscious blushes! Very pretty, upon -my honour! Louisa, what am I to think of all this? - -MRS. SHORT. (_with energy, looking up_) Think of it: why think that I -have been persecuted with the attentions of a coxcomb! whom I have -never encouraged by word or look! - -MRS. SWEET. _Persecuted!_ poor martyr! - -MRS. SHORT. How could I for an instant imagine that he would presume -to take such a liberty. - -MRS. SWEET. Come now, you had better make a clean breast of it--this -has been one of your quiet flirtations. - -MRS. SHORT. Flirtations! If the man would persist in his attentions -how could I help it? You know I could not be absolutely rude to him. - -MRS. SWEET. (_bantering her, and holding up the letter_) Is this one -of his _attentions?_ - -MRS. SHORT. No; the most extravagant height of consummate impudence; -and if I were not frightened out of my senses I should go into fits of -laughter. - -MRS. SWEET. Come, come, _Mrs. Demure;_ I'll have no more of this--I -shall take the liberty of destroying this delectable note. (_tearing -it to pieces, and putting them into her pocket_) - -MRS. SHORT. Don't scold me, for if I have been silly and a little -indiscreet--which mind I don't confess--I have been sufficiently -punished for it, for I haven't had a minute's peace of mind ever since -we have been down here, and, after all, is there no excuse for me--see -how I am treated!--he starts at the sound of a rat, runs away from the -bark of a dog, and couldn't be induced to mount a horse if his life -depended on it, but he is not afraid to coerce and bully a poor -defenceless wife. (_wiping away a tear_) I am sure if my husband would -only be a twentieth part as kind to me as dear Mr. Sweet is to you I -wouldn't give him a moment's vexation for the world. - -MRS. SWEET. Nonsense, Loo, it isn't worth a tear, and you know I have -always told you it is all your own fault. You don't go the right way -to work with him. I tell you what it is, my dear, you are too amiable -by half, both at home and _abroad_; but don't alarm yourself, there is -no great harm done, if we can only keep the knowledge of all this -ridiculous nonsense from our husbands; but judging from Mr. Short's -delightful air just now I am not quite sure that that will be -altogether so easy, but mind, ma'am, no more _persecutions_, no more -flirting. - -MRS. SHORT. Only help me out of the scrape like a good dear creature, -and if ever I expose myself to anything of the kind again, may I---- - -MRS. SWEET. (_aside, making a sign to signify that their husbands are -coming_) Don't be seen with that bouquet in your hand. Let us -exchange! Take mine! (_they exchange bouquets_) - -MRS. SHORT. (_whispering_) How shall we find an excuse for not going? - -MRS. SWEET. (_whispering_) Never mind that now. Don't be -frightened--keep close to me, and if I give you a hint, be sure to -take it. - -_Enter SWEET and SHORT, through door, R., in evening dress._ - -SHORT. (_aside to SWEET_) Be careful now what you say. - -SWEET. (_seeing the bouquet in his wife's hands_) There it is, under -my very nose! - -SHORT. (_aside_) What? - -SWEET. (_aside_) The bouquet! - -SHORT. (_looking through his eye glass_) I can't make it out very well -at this distance, but there is nothing extraordinary in her having a -bouquet, so has my wife. - -MRS. SWEET. (_affecting an air of gaiety_) Well, you see we are -dressed first. - -SWEET. (_struggling to keep down his feelings_) So I perceive. - -SHORT. So we perceive, ma'am. - -MRS. SWEET. (_aside to MRS. SHORT_) My husband is in the secret, that -is quite clear. (_aloud to SWEET and SHORT_) You are such beaux, you -see, that you have kept us waiting. - -SWEET. We must have been a very long time dressing, Short, or else -these ladies must be very impatient to set out. - -SHORT. True, Sweet, your remark is obviously correct. - -SWEET. (_looking at his wife_) Minutes seems hours when the mind is on -the stretch of expectation. - -SHORT. (_aside to SWEET, pulling him by the skirts of his coat_) Ah! -that's all wrong! Take care! - -SWEET. We shall be in plenty of time, ladies. - -SHORT. (_aside_) That's better--keep to the plural number, it sounds -less particular. - -SWEET. We shall not be the last to arrive, I dare say. (_rings the -bell_) - -_Enter STEPHEN, L. C._ - -Is the coach at the door, Stephen? - -STEPH. Yes, sir, I was just coming to tell you as you rung. - -SWEET. (_aside_) I am suffocating! - -MRS. SWEET. (_to SWEET_) My dear, do you still feel disinclined to go? - -SWEET. (_shouting_) No; not at all! (_to STEPHEN_) Give me my hat! -(_STEPHEN takes up his hat from the sofa, which he keeps in his hand_) -Not at all! (_aside_) If Stephen, now, would but let my hat fall to -give me an excuse for going into a passion. (_aloud to STEPHEN_) What -are you doing with my hat, sir? - -STEPH. Me, sir; nothing, sir. - -SWEET. Ah! sir! do you dare to answer me, you scoundrel! Leave the -room, sir, or I'll kick you down stairs! - -STEPH. (_aside, putting down the hat_) Master's mad--I wasn't doing -anything with the hat. - -_Exit, C. L._ - -SWEET. Well, why don't we go? - -MRS. SWEET. We none of us seem very well inclined to do that. - -SWEET. Why not! I never felt more disposed to go out in my life! I am -in extacies at the thought of it: so is Short. - -SHORT. (_lugubriously_) Very much so, indeed, Sweet. - -SWEET. (_looking at his wife_) Short and I it is true are no great -hands at flirting with the ladies, but we can look on and see _others_ -doing so! - -SHORT. (_aside--pulling him by the sleeve_) Sweet! Sweet! - -SWEET. (_disregarding SHORT, and looking hard at his wife_) Yes, -ma'am, I say we can look on and see _others_ doing so! - -SHORT. (_aside_) He'll spoil all. It's impossible to restrain him! - -MRS. SWEET. (_aside to her husband, and covertly pointing to SHORT_) -Don't for goodness' sake make matters worse! - -SWEET. Make matters worse! Short, ma'am, is in my confidence! - -MRS. SWEET. (_aside--perplexed_) I am lost--I can't make it out. - -MRS. SHORT. (_aside_) What does he mean? - -SWEET. (_to his wife_) It was on _my_ account, doubtless, that you -were so particular about you dress--to please _me!_ - -MRS. SWEET. Well, yes--don't you like it! - -SWEET. And this bouquet: that, too, was to please me, I suppose! - -SHORT. (_aside to MRS. SHORT, after crossing behind to L. of her_) -What did you give her my bouquet for? - -SWEET. This bouquet! that you have been feasting your eyes on ever -since I have been in the room: that you haven't had a minute out of -your hand! Give it to me! (_snatching it out of her hand_) See how _I_ -prize it too! (_he raises his arm, and is about to dash it violently -to the ground_) - -SHORT. (_crossing to SWEET, and seizing hold of his arm_) Stop--stop, -I say! What are you about? Don't destroy my wife's bouquet! - -SWEET. (_after a pause of amazement_) What's that? _Your_--_your_ -wife's bouquet? Do you mean to say that this--this bouquet belongs to -Mrs. Short? - -SHORT. To be sure I do? Didn't I bring it all the way from the City on -purpose to make her a present of it? - -SWEET. (_aside_) Weugh! (_embraces his wife_) Laugh at me again, -Fanny! Ha, ha, ha! Scold me--snub me--turn me into ridicule. I'll -never contradict you again as long as I live! - -MRS. SWEET. (_aside--jogging her husband, and covertly pointing to -SHORT_) Hush--hush! (_to herself_) A light breaks in upon me! (_to -MRS. SHORT_) You are safe--there's some mistake. - -SHORT. (_aside--looking towards SWEET_) What's the matter with the -man--has he taken leave of his senses? - -SWEET. (_significantly, to MRS. SHORT_) Let me restore this bouquet to -the rightful owner. - -MRS. SHORT. (_aside, to MRS. SWEET, taking the bouquet in confusion_) -What am I to say? - -MRS. SWEET. (_aside, to MRS. SHORT_) Nothing! Now, _mind!_ (_aloud_) -Louisa, dear? What is it?--she'll faint. Here, Mr. Short, come and -help her. Here, smell these salts! There--there! (_fanning her--MRS. -SHORT sinks fainting into a chair, L._) - -MRS. SHORT. (_while MRS. SWEET is fanning her_) Oh, dear--oh! -something has come over me so suddenly--I am afraid I shan't be able -to go to-night. - -SHORT. Nonsense, my dear--it will soon pass off. - -MRS. SWEET. Go, indeed! Impossible! She is more fit for her bed than -the Opera. (_aside, to MRS. SHORT_) Now, no yielding. - -MRS. SHORT. No--I feel it would be quite out of the question. - -SHORT. (_authoritatively_) Why, what is the meaning of all this? You -were well enough just now. (_aside, in a threatening tone_) Are you -going to take a leaf out of Mrs. Sweet's book? - -MRS. SHORT. (_aloud in a totally changed manner_) My dear? - -MRS. SWEET. As Louisa seems so unwell, Willie, and as Mr. Short, of -course, can't possibly leave his wife, suppose we send an excuse--I -know you don't care about going. - -SWEET. Just as you please, my dear, whatever you like, I am agreeable -to anything. Come now, I tell you what I propose. (_looks -significantly at MRS. SHORT_) As the place _doesn't appear to agree -with Mrs. Short_, and as I think we have had enough of the Crystal -Palace, I'll stand treat for a month at the sea-side--change of air -will do us all good. What do you say? - -SHORT. (_significantly to SWEET_) Yes the sooner we leave the better -(_aside_) for _you._ (_significantly to MRS. SWEET_) What do _you_ -say, Mrs. Sweet? - -MRS. SWEET. (_pretends to be confused, turns away her head and -smiles--aside_) Amusing! - -SWEET. (_significantly to MRS. SHORT_) What do _you_ say, Mrs. Short? - -MRS. SHORT. (_forces a laugh, turns away her head and frowns--aside_) -Provoking! - -SHORT. (_aside, looking contemptuously at SWEET_) The idea of his -putting up with the affront in this sort of way--Poor Sweet! - -SWEET. (_aside, to the Audience_) Capital joke, isn't it? Poor Short! -Do him all the good in the world when he finds it out, won't it? - -MRS. SWEET. (_advancing and addressing the Audience with her finger to -her lips_) But keep the secret--don't laugh till the curtain's down. -And if it should so happen--you won't be offended--that there is -anything at all like this going on at home, depend upon it, you might -have done worse than coming to see---- - -SHORT. Short---- - -SWEET. And Sweet. - -Curtain. - ------ - -Printed by Thomas Scott, 1, Warwick Court, Holborn. - - - - -Transcriber's Note - -This transcription is based on a microcopy made available by -University of California, Davis. Because of the quality of the -microcopy, the transcription was checked against a copy owned by -Fordham University, a digitized version of which is posted by the -Internet Archive at: - -https://archive.org/details/TroughtonShortSweet - -In general, this transcription attempts to retain the formatting, -punctuation and spelling of the source text. Thus, variant spellings -such as "lieve," "doat," "one'self," and "extacies" as well as words -and spellings intended for comic effect such as "horrorble" and -"tremengeous" have been retained. The following changes were made to -the text: - --- p. 2: In the costume note, "MRS. SHORT--Ditto" was changed to "Mrs. -SHORT--Ditto" for consistency. - --- p. 6: Come, we havn't a minute to spare--Changed "havn't" to -"haven't" for consistency. - --- p. 11: Another (_she pours out another--aside_)--Added a period -after "Another". - --- p. 16: what we make them, at least in marriage, Louisa was -not--Changed the comma after "marriage" to a period. - --- p. 26: the bouquet of violets to-night. (_she stops and looks -at_--Changed the period after "to-night" to a comma. - --- p. 30: that there is anythihg at all like this going on at -home--Changed "anythihg" to "anything". - - - - - - - -End of Project Gutenberg's Short and Sweet, by Adolphus Charles Troughton - -*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SHORT AND SWEET *** - -***** This file should be named 52661.txt or 52661.zip ***** -This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: - http://www.gutenberg.org/5/2/6/6/52661/ - -Produced by Paul Haxo with special thanks to the University -of California, Davis and Fordham University, especially -to Patrice Kane and Vivian Shen of the Department of -Archives and Special Collections at the William D. 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