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+The Project Gutenberg Ebook The Spectacles &c., by Jean de La Fontaine
+#21 in our series by Jean de La Fontaine (The Tales and Novels)
+
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+Title: The Tales and Novels, v21: The Spectacles &c.
+
+Author: Jean de La Fontaine
+
+Release Date: March, 2004  [EBook #5295]
+[Yes, we are more than one year ahead of schedule]
+[This file was first posted on June 21, 2002]
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+Edition: 10
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+Language: English
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+Character set encoding: ASCII
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+
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TALES AND NOVELS OF FONTAINE, V21 ***
+
+
+
+This eBook was produced by David Widger
+
+
+
+
+
+                       THE TALES AND NOVELS
+                                OF
+                        J. DE LA FONTAINE
+
+
+
+          Volume 21.
+
+          Contains:
+             The Spectacles
+             The Bucking Tub
+             The Impossible Thing
+
+
+
+                        THE SPECTACLES
+
+
+          I LATELY vowed to leave the nuns alone,
+          So oft their freaks have in my page been shown.
+          The subject may at length fatigue the mind;
+          My Muse the veil howe'er is still inclined,
+          Conspicuously to hold to publick view,
+          And, 'mong the sisters, scene and scene pursue.
+          Is this too much?--the nicest tricks they play;
+          Through soft amours oft artfully they stray,
+          And these in full I'd readily detail,
+          If I were sure the subject would not fail;
+          And that's impossible I must admit,
+          'Twould endless be, the tales appear so fit;
+          There's not a clerk so expeditious found,
+          Who could record the stories known around.
+          The sisters to forget, were I to try,
+          Suspicions might arise that, by and by,
+          I should return: some case might tempt my pen;
+          So oft I've overrun the convent-den,
+          Like one who always makes, from time to time,
+          The conversation with his feelings chime.
+          But let us to an end the subject bring,
+          And after this, of other matters sing.
+
+          IN former times was introduced a lad
+          Among the nuns, and like a maiden clad;
+          A charming girl by all he was believed;
+          Fifteen his age; no doubts were then conceived;
+          Coletta was the name the youth had brought,
+          And, till he got a beard, was sister thought.
+
+          THE period howsoe'er was well employed,
+          And from it Agnes profit had enjoyed;
+          What profit?--truly better had I said,
+          That sister Agnes by him was misled,
+          And store of ills received; misfortune dire
+          Obliged the nun more girdle to require,
+          And ultimately to produce (in spite
+          Of ev'ry wish to guard the fact from light)
+          A little creature that our hist'ries say,
+          Was found Coletta's features to display.
+
+          GREAT scandal quickly through the convent ran:
+          How could this child arrive?--the sisters 'gan
+          To laugh and ask, if in an evil hour,
+          The mushroom could have fallen with a show'r?
+          Or self-created was it not supposed?
+          Much rage the abbess presently disclosed;
+          To have her holy mansion thus disgraced!
+          Forthwith the culprit was in prison placed.
+
+          THE father to discover next they tried;
+          How could he enter, pass, escape, or hide;
+          The walls were high; the grate was double too;
+          Quite small the turning-box appeared to view,
+          And she who managed it was very old:--
+          Perhaps some youthful spark has been so bold,
+          Cried she who was superior to the rest,
+          To get admitted, like a maiden dressed,
+          And 'mong our flock (if rightly I surmise)
+          A wicked wolf is lurking in disguise.
+          Undress, I say, I'll verify the fact;
+          No other way remains for me to act.
+
+          THE lad disguised was terrified to death;
+          Each plan was dissipated with a breath;
+          The more he thought of means from thence to get,
+          The greater were the obstacles he met.
+          At length NECESSITY (the parent found
+          Of stratagems and wiles, so much renowned,)
+          Induced the youth . . . (I scarcely can proceed)
+          To tie . . . expression here I clearly need;
+          What word will decently express the thought?
+          What book has got it?--where should it be sought?
+          You've heard, in days of yore that human kind,
+          With windows in their bosoms were designed,
+          Through which 'twas easy all within to see,
+          And suited those of medical degree.
+
+          BUT if these windows useful were believed;
+          'Twas inconvenient in the heart perceived,
+          And women thoroughly disliked the scheme:--
+          They could not find the means to hide a dream.
+          Dame Nature howsoe'er contrived a plan:--
+          One lace she gave the woman, one the man,
+          Of equal length, and each enough no doubt,
+          By proper care to shut the ope throughout.
+          The woman much too thick her eyelets placed;
+          And consequently, ne'er was closely laced;
+          The fault was all her own: herself the cause;
+          The man as little merited applause,
+          For coarsely working, soon the hole was shut,
+          From which the remnant lace was left to jut;
+          In fact, on either side, whate'er was done,
+          The laces never equally would run,
+          And we are told, both sexes acted wrong:
+          The woman's was too short; the man's too long.
+
+          FROM this 'tis easy, it should seem to guess:
+          What by the youth was tied in this distress
+          The end of lace that by the men was left,
+          When nature ordered them to close the cleft:
+          With thread he fastened it so very well,
+          That all was flat as any nun or belle;
+          But thread or silk, you cannot find a string
+          To hold, what soon I fear will give a spring,
+          And get away, in spite of all you do;
+          Bring saints or angels such a scene to view,
+          As twenty nuns in similar array,
+          Strange creatures I should think them:--merely clay,
+          If they should at the sight unmoved remain;
+          I speak of nuns, howe'er, whose charms maintain
+          Superior rank, and like the Graces seem,
+          Delightful sisters! ev'ry way supreme.
+
+          THE prioress, this secret to disclose,
+          Appeared with spectacles upon her nose;
+          And twenty nuns around a dress displayed;
+          That convent mantua-makers never made,
+          Imagine to yourself what felt the youth,
+          'Mid this examination of the truth.
+          The nice proportions and the lily charms
+          Soon raised within his bosom dire alarms;
+          Like magick operated on the string,
+          And from it, what was tied, soon gave a spring;
+          Broke loose at once, just like a mettled steed,
+          That, having slipt its halter, flies with speed;
+          Against the abbess' nose with force it flew,
+          And spectacles from her proboscis threw.
+
+          THOUGH she had nearly fallen on the floor,
+          In thus attempting secrets to explore,
+          No jest she thought the accident, 'twas plain,
+          But would with force the discipline maintain.
+          A chapter instantly the lady held;
+          Long time upon the circumstance they dwelled.
+          The youthful wolf that caused the direful shock;
+          At length was given to the aged flock,
+          Who tied his hands and bound him to a tree
+          Face 'gainst the wood, that none his front might see;
+          And while the cruel troop, with rage inflamed,
+          Considered of rewards that vengeance framed;
+          While some the besoms from the kitchen brought;
+          And others, in the convent ars'nal sought
+          The various instruments the sisters used
+          To punish when obedience was refused;
+          Another double-locked, within a room.
+          The nuns of tender hearts and youthful bloom:--
+          By chance, a friend to sly gallants appeared,
+          And soon removed, what most our hero feared:
+          A miller mounted on his mule came by,
+          A tight-built active lad with piercing eye;
+          One much admired by all the girls around;
+          Played well at kayles:--a good companion found.
+          Aha! cried he, what's here?--a nice affair;
+          Young man, pray tell me who has placed thee there?
+          The sisters, say'st thou?--hast thou had thy fun,
+          And pleased thy fancy with a wanton nun?
+          Art satisfied?--and was she pretty too?
+          In truth, to judge by what appears to view,
+          Thou seemest thoroughly a wily wight,
+          That convent belles would relish morn and night.
+
+          ALAS! replied the other with a sigh,
+          In vain the nuns my virtue sought to try;
+          'Twas my misfortune:--patience heav'n bestow;
+          For worlds such wickedness I would not know.
+
+          THE miller laughed at what the other spoke;
+          Untied his hands, and ev'ry bandage broke.
+          Said he, thou ninny, scruples can'st thou find
+          To counteract, and prove to pleasure blind?
+          The business clearly should to me belong;
+          Our rector ne'er had thought such conduct wrong,
+          And never would have played the fool like this;
+          Fly, haste away, away; I'll thee dismiss,
+          First having nicely set me in thy place;
+          Like me thou wert not formed for soft embrace;
+          I'm stout and able:--quarter ne'er will ask;
+          Come ALL, these nuns, I'll execute the task,
+          And many pranks they'll see, unless a freak
+          Should happen any way the string to break.
+          The other never asked his wishes twice,
+          But tied him well, and left him in a trice.
+
+          WITH shoulders broad the miller you might see;
+          In Adam's birth-attire against the tree,
+          Await the coming of the aged band,
+          Who soon appeared, with tapers in the hand,
+          In solemn guise, and whips and scourges dire:
+          The virgin troop (as convent laws require)
+          In full procession moved around the Wight;
+          Without allowing time to catch his sight,
+          Or giving notice what they meant to do:
+          How now! cried he:--why won't you take a view?
+          Deceived you are; regard me well I pray;
+          I'm not the silly fool you had to-day,
+          Who woman hates, and scruples seeks to raise:
+          Employ but me, and soon I'll gain your praise;
+          I'll wonders execute; my strength appears;
+          And; if I fail, at once cut off my ears.
+          At certain pleasant play I'm clever found;
+          But as to whips--I never was renowned.
+
+          WHAT means the fellow? cried a toothless nun;
+          What would he tell us?   Hast thou nothing done?
+          How!--Art thou not our brat-begetter?--speak;
+          So much the worse:--on thee our rage we'll wreak,
+          For him that's gone we'll make thee suffer now;
+          Once arms in hand, we never will allow
+          Such characters full punishment to miss;
+          The play that we desire is THIS and THIS;
+          Then whips and scourges round him 'gan to move,
+          And not a little troublesome to prove
+          The miller, writhing with the poignant smart,
+          Cried loudly:--I'll exert my utmost art,
+          Good ladies, to perform what is your due;
+          The more he bawled, the faster lashes flew.
+          This work so well the aged troop achieved,
+          He long remembered what his skin received.
+
+          WHILE thus the master chastisement had got;
+          His mule was feeding on the verdant spot.
+          But what became of this or that, at last,
+          I've never heard, and care not how it past.
+          'Tis quite enough to save the young gallant,
+          And more particulars we do not want.
+
+          My readers, for a time, could they obtain
+          A dozen nuns like these, where beauties reign,
+          Would doubtless not be seen without their dress!
+          We do not always ev'ry wish express.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                        THE BUCKING-TUB
+
+
+          IF once in love, you'll soon invention find
+          And not to cunning tricks and freaks be blind;
+          The youngest 'prentice, when he feels the dart,
+          Grows wondrous shrewd, and studies wily art.
+          This passion never, we perceive, remains
+          In want from paucity of scheming brains.
+          The god of hearts so well exerts his force,
+          That he receives his dues as things of course.
+          A bucking-tub, of which a tale is told,
+          Will prove the case, and this I'll now unfold;
+          Particulars I heard some days ago,
+          From one who seemed each circumstance to know.
+
+          WITHIN a country town, no matter where,
+          Its appellation nothing would declare,
+          A cooper and his wife, whose name was Nan,
+          Kept house, and through some difficulties ran.
+          Though scanty were their means, LOVE thither flew;
+          And with him brought a friend to take a view;
+          'Twas Cuckoldom accompanied the boy,
+          Two gods most intimate, who like to toy,
+          And, never ceremonious, seek to please
+          Go where they will, still equally at ease;
+          'Tis all for them good lodging, fare, or bed;
+          And, hut or palace, pleasantly they tread.
+
+          IT happened then, a spark this fair caressed,
+          And, when he hoped most fully to be blessed,
+          When all was ready to complete the scene,
+          And on a point:--if naught should intervene
+          Not NAMED howe'er will quite enough suffice,
+          When suddenly the husband, by surprise,
+          Returned from drinking at an ale-house near,
+          just when, just when:--the rest is pretty clear.
+
+          THEY curst his coming; trouble o'er them spread;
+          Naught could be done but hide the lover's head;
+          Beneath a bucking-tub, in utmost haste,
+          Within the court, our gay gallant was placed.
+
+          THE husband, as he entered, loudly cried,
+          I've sold our bucking-tub.  The wife replied,
+          What price, I pray?--Three crowns rejoined the man;
+          Then thou'rt a silly ass, said mistress Nan;
+          To-day, by my address, I've gained a crown,
+          And sold the same for twenty shillings down:
+          My bargain luckily the first was made;
+          The buyer, (who of flaws is much afraid)
+          Examines now if ev'ry part is tight;
+          He's in the tub to see if all be right.
+          What, blockhead, would'st thou do without thy wife?
+          Thou huntest taverns while she works for life;
+          But necessary 'tis for her to act,
+          When thou art out, or naught would be exact.
+          No pleasure ever yet received have I;
+          But take my word, to get it now I'll try.
+          Gallants are plenty; husbands should have wives;
+          That, like themselves, lead gay or sober lives.
+
+          I PRYTHEE softly, wife, the husband said;
+          Come, come, sir, leave the tub, there's naught to dread;
+          When you are out, I'll ev'ry quarter scrape,
+          Then try if water from it can escape;
+          I'll warrant it to be as good as nice,
+          And nothing can be better worth the price.
+
+          OUT came the lover; in the husband went;
+          Scraped here and there, and tried if any vent;
+          With candle in his hand looked round and round,
+          Not dreaming once that LOVE without was found.
+          But nothing he could see of what was done;
+          And while the cooper sought to overrun
+          The various parts, and by the tub was hid,
+          The gods already noticed thither slid;
+          A job was by the deities proposed,
+          That highly pleased the couple when disclosed;
+          A very diff'rent work from what within
+          The husband had, who scraped with horrid din,
+          And rubbed, and scrubbed, and beat so very well,
+          Fresh courage took our gay gallant and belle;
+          They now resumed the thread so sadly lost,
+          When, by the cooper's coming, all was crossed.
+
+          THE reader won't require to know the rest;
+          What passed perhaps may easily be guessed.
+          'Tis quite enough, my thesis I have proved;
+          The artful trick our pair with raptures moved.
+          Nor one nor t'other was a 'prentice new;
+          A lover be:--and wiles you'll soon pursue.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+                    THE IMPOSSIBLE THING
+
+
+          A DEMON, blacker in his skin than heart,
+          So great a charm was prompted to impart;
+          To one in love, that he the lady gained,
+          And full possession in the end obtained:
+          The bargain was, the lover should enjoy
+          The belle he wished, and who had proved so coy.
+          Said Satan, soon I'll make her lend an ear,
+          In ev'ry thing more complaisant appear;
+          But then, instead of what thou might'st expect,
+          To be obedient and let me direct,
+          The devil, having thus obliged a friend,
+          He'll thy commands obey, thou may'st depend,
+          The very moment; and within the hour
+          Thy humble servant, who has got such pow'r,
+          Will ask for others, which at once thou'lt find;
+          Make no delay, for if thou art so blind,
+          Thou comprehend'st, thy body and thy soul
+          The lovely fair no longer shall control,
+          But Satan then upon them both shall seize,
+          And with them do-whatever he may please:
+          'Gainst this the spark had not a word to say;
+          'Twas pleasing to command, though not obey.
+
+          HE sallied forth the beauteous belle to seek,
+          And found her as he wished:--complying-meek;
+          Indulged in blisses, and most happy proved,
+          Save that the devil always round him moved.
+          Whatever rose within the whirl of thought
+          He now commanded:--quickly it was brought;
+          And when he ordered palaces to rise,
+          Or raging tempests to pervade the skies,
+          The devil instantly obeyed his will,
+          And what he asked was done with wondrous skill.
+
+          LARGE sums his purse received;--the devil went
+          just where commanded, and to Rome was sent,
+          From whence his highness store of pardons got;
+          No journey long, though distant was the spot,
+          But ev'ry thing with magick ease arose,
+          And all was soon accomplished that he chose.
+          So oft the spark was asked for orders new,
+          Which he was bound to give the fiend at view,
+          That soon his head most thoroughly was drained,
+          And to the fair our lover much complained,
+          Declared the truth, and ev'ry thing detailed,
+          How he was lost, if in commands he failed.
+
+          IS'T this, said she, that makes thee so forlorn?
+          Mere nothing!-quickly I'll remove the thorn;
+          When Satan comes, present his highness this,
+          Which I have here, and say:--You will not miss
+          To make it flat, and not its curl retain
+          On which she gave him, what with little pain
+          She drew from covert of the Cyprian grove,
+          The fairy labyrinth where pleasures rove,
+          Which formerly a duke so precious thought;
+          To raise a knightly order thence he sought,
+          Illustrious institution, noble plan,
+          More filled with gods and demi-gods than man.
+
+          THE lover to the crafty devil said:-
+          'Tis crooked this, you see, and I am led
+          To wish it otherwise; go, make it straight;
+          A perfect line: no turn, nor twist, nor plait.
+          Away to work, be quick, fly, hasten, run;
+          The demon fancied it could soon be done;
+          No time he lost, but set it in the press,
+          And tried to manage it with great success;
+          The massy hammer, kept beneath the deep,
+          Made no impression: he as well might sleep;
+          Howe'er he beat: whatever charm he used:--
+          'Twas still the same; obedience it refused.
+          His time and labour constantly were lost;
+          Vain proved each effort: mystick skill was crossed;
+          The wind, or rain, or fog, or frost, or snow,
+          Had no effect: still circular 'twould go.
+          The more he tried, the ringlet less inclined
+          To drop the curvature so closely twined.
+          How's this? said Satan, never have I seen
+          Such stubborn stuff wherever I have been;
+          The shades below no demon can produce,
+          That could divine what here would prove of use:
+          'Twould puzzle hell to break the curling spring,
+          And make a line direct of such a thing.
+
+          ONE morn the devil to the other went:
+          Said he, to give thee up I'll be content;
+          If solely thou wilt openly declare
+          What 'tis I hold, for truly I despair;
+          I'm victus I confess, and can't succeed:
+          No doubt the thing's impossible decreed.
+
+
+          FRIEND Satan, said the lover, you are wrong;
+          Despondency should not to you belong,
+          At least so soon:--what you desire to know
+          Is not the only one that's found to grow;
+          Still many more companions it has got,
+          And others could be taken from the spot.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TALES AND NOVELS OF FONTAINE, V21 ***
+
+*********** This file should be named 5295.txt or 5295.zip ***********
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