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diff --git a/old/54780-0.txt b/old/54780-0.txt deleted file mode 100644 index e4f4ba3..0000000 --- a/old/54780-0.txt +++ /dev/null @@ -1,2515 +0,0 @@ -The Project Gutenberg EBook of Santa Claus' Daughter, by -Everett Elliott and F. W. Hardcastle - -This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with -almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or -re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included -with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org/license - - -Title: Santa Claus' Daughter - A Musical Christmas Burlesque in Two Acts - -Author: Everett Elliott - F. W. Hardcastle - -Release Date: May 24, 2017 [EBook #54780] - -Language: English - -Character set encoding: UTF-8 - -*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SANTA CLAUS' DAUGHTER *** - - - - -Produced by MFR, Paul Marshall and the Online Distributed -Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This book was -produced from images made available by the HathiTrust -Digital Library.) - - - - - - - - - - AMES’ SERIES OF STANDARD AND MINOR DRAMA, No. 309. - - Santa Claus’ Daughter. - - (_BURLESQUE._) - - WITH CAST OF CHARACTERS, ENTRANCES, AND EXITS, RELATIVE POSITIONS OF - THE PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, DESCRIPTION OF COSTUMES AND - THE WHOLE OF THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAREFULLY - MARKED FROM THE MOST APPROVED - ACTING COPY. - - - PRICE 15 CENTS. - - - CLYDE, OHIO: - AMES’ PUBLISHING CO. - - NEW PLAYS. - - A Kiss in the Dark, Farce. - Nanka’s Leap Year Venture, Commedietta. - Pomp Green’s Snakes, Farce. - - The General Manager, Musical Farce-Comedy. - Arthur Eustace, or A Mother’s Love, Drama. - The Spellin’ Skewl, Burlesque. - - Our Hopeful Son, Farce. - Locked in a Dress-maker’s Room, Farce. - Jacob Shlaff’s Mistake, Farce. - - The Irish Squire of Squash Ridge, Farce. - Hallabahoola, The Medicine Man, Farce. - The Three Hats, Farce-Comedy. - - Peleg and Peter, or Around the Horn, Farce-Comedy. - Grandmother Hildebrand’s Legacy, Drama. - New York Book Agent, or The Miser’s Gold, Drama. - -PROMPTNESS in filling all orders is always a feature of our business. -Catalogues sent free. Any Play, Dialogue Book, Speaker, Guide Book, -Wigs and Beards—in fact anything you want will be sent by AMES’ -PUBLISHING CO., Clyde, Ohio. - -No goods sent C. O. D. Money MUST accompany all orders. - - ALPHABETICAL LIST OF - - Ames’ Edition of Plays. - - FIFTEEN CENTS EACH UNLESS OTHERWISE MARKED. - - NO. M. F. - DRAMAS. - 294 Arthur Eustace, 25c 10 4 - 2 A Desperate Game 3 2 - 164 After Ten Years 7 5 - 39 A Life’s Revenge 7 5 - 43 Arrah de Baugh 7 5 - 100 Aurora Floyd 7 2 - 125 Auld Robin Gray, 25c 13 8 - 89 Beauty of Lyons 11 2 - 113 Bill Detrick 7 3 - 226 Brac, the Poor House Girl 4 4 - 14 Brigands or Calabria 6 1 - 272 Beyond Pardon 7 5 - 160 Conn; or, Love’s Victory 11 3 - 268 Clearing the Mists 5 3 - 161 Dora 5 2 - 60 Driven to the Wall 10 3 - 152 Driven from Home 7 4 - 279 Dutch Jake 4 3 - 173 East Lynne 8 7 - 143 Emigrant’s Daughter 8 3 - 162 Fielding Manor 9 6 - 255 Gertie’s Vindication 3 3 - 300 Grandmother Hildebrand’s Legacy, 25c 5 4 - 283 Haunted by a Shadow 8 2 - 117 Hal Hazard, 25c 10 3 - 52 Henry Granden 11 8 - 76 How He Did It 3 2 - 141 Hidden Treasures 4 2 - 26 Hunter of the Alps 9 4 - 191 Hidden Hand 15 7 - 194 Lights and Shadows of the Great Rebellion, 25c 10 5 - 3 Lady of Lyons 12 5 - 9 Lady Audley’s Secret 6 4 - 261 Lost in London 6 4 - 46 Man and Wife 12 7 - 227 Maud’s Peril 5 3 - 211 Midnight Mistake 6 2 - 251 Millie, the Quadroon 4 1 - 163 Miriam’s Crime 5 2 - 91 Michael Erle 8 3 - 36 Miller of Derwent Water 5 2 - 34 Mistletoe Bough 7 3 - 229 Mountebanks (The) 6 2 - 298 New York Book Agent 7 3 - 223 Old Honesty 5 2 - 81 Old Phil’s Birthday 5 3 - 85 Outcast’s Wife 12 3 - 83 Out on the World 5 4 - 196 Oath Bound 6 2 - 29 Painter of Ghent 5 3 - 278 Penn Hapgood 10 3 - 301 Peleg and Peter, 25c 4 2 - 18 Poacher’s Doom 8 3 - 280 Pheelim O’Rookes’ Curse 8 3 - 5 Phyllis, the Beggar Girl 6 3 - 110 Reverses 12 6 - 45 Rock Allen 5 3 - 79 Spy of Atlanta, 25c 14 3 - 275 Simple Silas 6 3 - 266 Sweetbrier 11 5 - 144 Thekla 9 4 - 284 The Commercial Drummer 6 2 - 242 The Dutch Recruit, 25c 14 3 - 67 The False Friend 6 1 - 97 The Fatal Blow 7 1 - 119 The Forty-Niners 10 4 - 304 The General Manager 5 5 - 93 The Gentleman in Black 9 4 - 112 The New Magdalen 8 3 - 71 The Reward of Crime 5 3 - 306 The Three Hats 4 3 - 105 Through Snow and Sunshine 6 4 - 201 Ticket of Leave Man 9 3 - 293 Tom Blossom 9 4 - 193 Toodles 7 2 - 277 The Musical Captain 15 2 - 200 Uncle Tom’s Cabin 15 7 - 290 Wild Mab 6 2 - 121 Will-o’-the-Wisp 9 4 - 41 Won at Last 7 3 - 192 Zion 7 4 - - TEMPERANCE PLAYS. - 73 At Last 7 1 - 75 Adrift 5 4 - 187 Aunt Dinah’s Pledge 6 3 - 254 Dot: the Miner’s Daughter 9 5 - 202 Drunkard (The) 13 5 - 185 Drunkard’s Warning 6 3 - 189 Drunkard’s Doom 15 5 - 181 Fifteen Years of a Drunkard’s Life 13 4 - 183 Fruits of the Wine Cup 6 3 - 104 Lost 6 2 - 146 Our Awful Aunt 4 4 - 53 Out in the Streets 6 4 - 51 Rescued 5 3 - 59 Saved 2 3 - 102 Turn of the Tide 7 4 - 63 Three Glasses a Day 4 2 - 62 Ten Nights in a Bar-Room 7 3 - 58 Wrecked 9 3 - - COMEDIES. - 168 A Pleasure Trip 7 3 - 136 A Legal Holiday 5 3 - 124 An Afflicted Family 7 5 - 257 Caught in the Act 7 3 - 248 Captured 6 4 - 178 Caste 5 3 - 176 Factory Girl 6 3 - 207 Heroic Dutchman of ’76 8 3 - 199 Home 4 3 - 174 Love’s Labor Not Lost 3 3 - 158 Mr. Hudson’s Tiger Hunt 1 1 - 149 New Years in N. Y. 7 6 - 37 Not So Bad After All 6 5 - - - - - SANTA CLAUS’ DAUGHTER. - - A MUSICAL CHRISTMAS BURLESQUE - - IN TWO ACTS, - - BY - EVERETT ELLIOTT AND F. W. HARDCASTLE. - - TO WHICH IS ADDED - DESCRIPTION OF THE COSTUMES—CAST OF THE CHARACTERS—ENTRANCES - AND EXITS—RELATIVE POSITIONS OF THE - PERFORMERS ON THE STAGE, AND THE WHOLE - OF THE STAGE BUSINESS. - - _Entered according to the act of Congress in the year 1892, by - AMES’ PUBLISHING CO., - in the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington._ - - - CLYDE, OHIO: - AMES’ PUBLISHING CO. - - - - - _SANTA CLAUS’ DAUGHTER._ - _CAST OF CHARACTERS._ - - SANTA CLAUS - GUSSIE DESMYTHE _Secretary to Santa Claus._ - DENNIS O’ROURKE - FOOTMAN - COACHMAN - MRS. SANTA CLAUS _Santa Claus’ wife._ - KITTY CLAUS _Santa Claus’ only daughter._ - QUEEN OF SNOW-FAIRIES - FOUR SNOW-FAIRIES - THE FOUR HOLIDAYS - _Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years._ - ERIN _Goddess of Ireland._ - - _COSTUMES._ -SANTA CLAUS.—Complete suit of furs; peaked cap, great-coat, -top-boots. - -GUSSIE DESMYTHE.—First dress, smoking jacket, light -pantaloons, slippers. Second dress, dark morning suit. - -DENNIS O’ROURKE.—First dress, battered plug hat, red wig, -linen duster, gaiters, worn-out shoes. Second dress, full-dress suit, -ancient cut, striped shirt, exaggerated jewelry. - -FOOTMAN AND COACHMAN.—Eccentric and exaggerated livery. - -MRS. SANTA CLAUS.—Modern dress. - -KITTY CLAUS.—Modern dress. - -QUEEN OF SNOW-FAIRIES.—White dress, spangles, crown and wand. - -SNOW-FAIRIES.—Same as Queen, except that they wear no crowns. - -FOUR HOLIDAYS.—Costumes and colors suggesting days -represented. - -ERIN.—White and green dress, trimmed in gold, wreath. - - _PROPERTIES._ - -Large book and quill pen for Gussie; carpet bag and cane for O’Rourke; -sleigh bells. Also quizzing glass for Gussie. - - SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. - -ACT I.—Scene, North Pole Snow Castle. Santa Claus’ home. Song of -the Snow-fairies. Gussie and the Fairies. Santa Claus preparing for -his “night out.” The “Directory.” “The Dude.” Kitty wants to move to -the land of mortals, where men are plenty. Santa Claus’ advice. Song -by Santa Claus and family, “A Model Man.” Gussie, “That’s clevah, -deucedly clevah doncher no?” Gussie’s attempt to sing. Chestnut bell. -Santa Claus’ promise to bring Kitty a man. Astonishment at Kitty’s -rash request. Caught out on a foul. “I’ll bring her a boodler, a -Farmer’s Alliance man,” anything to disgust her with the whole race. -Song—Sleighing song. Departure of Santa Claus for the land of mortals, -in his sleigh and fleet-footed reindeers. - -ACT. II.—Return of Santa Claus, with an Irish Paddy. Santa Claus and -Gussie witness unseen, the meeting of Kitty and “her man.” “Do yez -chew gum, and play on the type-writer.” Song by Kitty, “The Pleasure -of Catching a Man.” The proposal. “The could weather will make yez a -widdy before yez married, so it will.” Santa Claus’ despair at Kitty’s -acceptance of O’Rourke. Gussie has an idea. O’Rourke declared King of -the North Pole. Coronation song. March by Fairies and Holidays. “The -last ton of coal which broke the camels back.” O’Rourke ascends the -throne. Cigarette or two. Kitty resolves to reform O’Rourke. Tableau. -Erin appears. Her appeal in behalf of the Irish girls, beats the world -and Kitty isn’t in it. Kitty undecided whether to go with O’Rourke or -remain. Tableau. Curtain. - - _STAGE DIRECTIONS._ - -R., means Right; L., Left; R. H., Right Hand; L. H., Left Hand; - -C., Centre; S. E., [2d E.,] Second Entrance; U. E., Upper Entrance; - -M. D., Middle Door; F., the Flat; D. F., Door in Flat; - -R. C., Right of Centre; L. C., Left of Centre. - - R. R. C. C. L. C. L. - ⁂ The reader is supposed to be upon the stage facing the audience. - - - - -Santa Claus’ Daughter. - - -ACT I. - - - _SCENE._—_A large hall in_ SANTA CLAUS’ - _Snow-palace. Throne-chair_ R. U. E.; - _table and chair_ L.; _bell cord_ L.; - _as curtain rises_ GUSSIE _is discovered - at table_ L., _writing in a large book_. - -_Enter_, SNOW-FAIRIES, C., _and come down to front_. - - SONG OF SNOW-FAIRIES. - _To the tune of “My Boyhood’s Happy Home Down on the Farm.”_ - - We are fairies of the snow, - And every where we go - We make the hearts of children glad and gay; - From their window seats so warm, - They look out upon the storm - And dream of future childish sports and play. - - _Chorus._ We fulfill a mission too, - As every one should do; - Who have a mission worthy of the name, - From our home in Northern clime, - Come we forth at Christmas time - A quiet share in Christmas joys to claim. - - On earth’s cold and frozen face - Each white snow-flake takes its place, - All unite a cosy mantle thus to form, - Universal mother keep, - Covered during winter’s sleep - ’Till spring-time’s sun shines forth again so warm. - -_At close of song_ GUSSIE _comes down to front, makes an extravagant bow -to the_ FAIRIES. - -_Gus._ Well now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah doncherno, but ladies, -you distract my mind from the duties incident to my exalted office. I -must really ask you to depaht. I must indeed. - -_Fai._ (FAIRIES _stamp their feet indignantly and speak in chorus_) -Listen to that! The horrid man! Distract his mind indeed, bah! (_to_ -GUSSIE) You never had a mind. - -_Gus._ Beg pardon ladies, but it is twue, evewy word twue. This is -Chwistmas Eve and in one hour fwom this time I must have the “World’s -Directory of Deserving Didlets” weady for Santa Claus before he starts -out upon his annual journey. - -_Fai._ (_in chorus_) Is that true? Why did you not say so before? - -_Queen._ (FAIRIES _go to entrances_ R. _and_ L., QUEEN _goes to_ C. -_All turn and look at_ GUSSIE _as_ QUEEN _says_) Gussie, we go, but we -return; and when we do return we will sing—Comrades!! - - (_exeunt_, FAIRIES - -_Gus._ Well, I flatter myself, that was nicely done. Other fellows may -have some trouble in managing the ladies, but it is no trouble at all, -when you know how. Gussie old boy, you are clevah, deucedly clevah. - - _Enter_, SANTA CLAUS, C. - -_Santa._ Well my good fellow, are all things prepared? Is the Directory -ready for my journey to-night? - -_Gus._ (_making profound bow_) Yes, your majesty, it will be ready in -fifteen minutes. - - (_sits at table_, L., _and writes_ - -_Santa._ By-the-way, Gus— - -_Gus._ (_interrupting_) Gussie, sir, Gussie. - -_Santa._ Well, Gussie, how are the children panning out this year? Are -there as many as usual? - -_Gus._ More, your majesty, many more. - -_Santa._ More? Well, well! And the Smiths, I suppose there are a few -Smiths left? - -_Gus._ Ah! your majesty, their name is Legion! - -_Santa._ Legion! Eh? Um, ah! yes, Legion. Well, it may rest us a -little to have them change their name. What is it Shakespeare has to -say on the subject of changing names? Smith—Smith—by any other name -would—um—no! no! that is not exactly what I want. - - (_walks up and down stage, hands behind his back, meditatively_ - -_Gus._ Oh! I say, your majesty, have you heard of the accident? - -_Santa._ Accident? Whose accident? - -_Gus._ The Jones’, sir. - -_Santa._ The Jones’? And what is the matter with the Jones’? - -_Gus._ (_sorrowfully_) Dead! - -_Santa._ What, dead? All dead? - -_Gus._ Oh no! your majesty, not all of them, but Johnny and his sister -Sue— - -_Santa._ (_starting towards_ GUSSIE _angrily_) Villain, I fain would -smite thee! (_stops suddenly and draws hand across forehead_) No! no! -what would I do? Destroy the last lingering specimen of an almost -extinct race? I will spare thee, dude. Proceed with thy labors. (SANTA -_walks up and down stage thoughtfully, while_ GUSSIE _makes a great -show of writing in his book_. SANTA _stops to watch him as he writes -all the way across one page and as far to one side as he can reach_) -What are you doing there? - -_Gus._ Your majesty, I am writing the name of the child of a Russian -exile, but I fear you will have to carry a few K’s and Z’s loose in -your pocket, for of a verity the book will not contain them all. (_gong -heard striking off_ L., SANTA _listens_, GUSSIE _starts_) Great smoke, -I am discovered! There goes that chestnut bell! - -_Santa._ It is the ninth hour; I must hasten. (_to_ GUSSIE) Summon my -household that I may bid them good-by. (GUSSIE _pulls bell-rope_, L., -_great noise of tin pans, cans, cat calls, etc., heard_) There, there, -that will do. We do not want to perform the miracle of raising the dead. - -FAIRIES _rush in_ R., HOLIDAYS L., MRS. CLAUS C., _followed by_ KITTY - -_Mrs. C._ Wh-wh-where’s the fire! - -_Omnes._ Yes, where’s the fire. - -_Santa._ The fire? There is no fire my dears. - -_Mrs. C._ (_seizing_ SANTA’S _sleeve and trying to lead him off_ L.) -Then let us get out of this house at once, hubby, there is going to be -an earth-quake! Didn’t you hear that noise? - -_Gus._ Oh! pshaw, that was only a fall in the temperature. - -_Omnes._ Is that so? Oh! I am so glad. - -_Santa._ Yes, but I don’t want you to be glad. It is very disrespectful -in you, to say the least, to be glad at a time like this. - -_Mrs. C._ Why my dear hubby, what is the matter with the time? - -_Santa._ The matter is, my dear, that I am going to leave you presently. - -_Omnes._ Going to leave us? - -_Kitty._ Going to leave us? Why papa, you will be too early for the -World’s Fair. - -_Santa._ I am not going to the World’s Fair, daughter. Have you -forgotten that this is Christmas Eve, my regular night out? - -_Mrs. C._ Why, so it is; I had forgotten. To-night you go forth -to distribute gum-drops, drums and dollies to the children of all -Christendom. It is very kind of you my dear, I am sure, and I am sorry -that you are compelled to tear yourself away, but you will return -to-morrow? - -_Santa._ I am glad that you appreciate me, my dear. Let me advise you -to keep a good thing while you have it. - -_Kitty._ Yes, papa is a good man; at least, I suppose he is a good man. -Good is a relative term, and men are so scarce in this kingdom of the -North Pole, that I cannot judge by comparison. - -_Santa._ Daughter, I am an exceptional creature in every way. Thank the -Fates that you have never been permitted to meet a less worthy specimen -of the race than your papa. - -_Gus._ (GUSSIE _giggles_) Speaking of men, how about me? - - (_swaggers with thumbs in arm holes of vest_ - -_Omnes._ Oh! you don’t count; you’re a dude. - - (GUSSIE _retires discomfited_ - -_Kitty._ Papa, are men as scarce in the land of mortals as they are -here? - -_Santa._ No, my child, no indeed; there are not enough to go around -to be sure; and under the present system, old maids seem to be a -compulsory blessing; still they are numerous, quite so. - -_Kitty._ (_rapturously_) Oh! papa, let’s move! - -_Mrs. C._ Why, what is the matter with the child? (_goes over to_ -KITTY) My dear you must be ill: come, take a milk-shake and go to bed. - -_Gus._ (_aside_) Milk-shake! I believe I am feeling a kind of goneness -too. - -_Santa._ No! no, there is nothing the matter with the child, only a -little natural curiosity, that is all; but Kitty you would better -remain content to know no man but your papa; he is an exceptional -creature, I assure you. - -_Omnes._ Yes, your papa is a model man. - -_Santa Claus sings_ - - A MODEL MAN. - - It is, my friends, quite difficulty to find a fault in me, - I have in some queer way escaped total depravity. - Though in unbroken line I trace descent from mother Eve, - There is no sin in my make-up; I’m perfect, I believe. - - _Chorus._ - He is a perfect paragon, old Santa Claus. - He never swears above his breath—unless he has a cause; - Enumerate his virtues I think we hardly can, - But taken all in all he is a perfect Model Man. - - Our brightest plans in this vain world are apt to go amiss, - But keep your temper; don’t destroy your hopes of future bliss; - Don’t scold your wife, don’t kick your dog, let me your model be; - I scold my wife? Not for my life! She’d surely wallop me. - - Another thing:—Avoid conceit; quit blowing your own horn, - But be like me, as modest as the blush of early morn, - And when we’ve reached the end of life, with pride we look back - Upon the wide swath we have cut, a broad and shining track. - -_Gus._ Well now that’s clevah, deucedly clevah, by Jove. Methinks I’ll -warble a little myself. - - (_starts down stage_ - -_Omnes._ Oh! spare us, spare us! - - (_stopping him_ - -_Gus._ Just as you please ladies, but it is your misfortune that you do -not appreciate good music. - -_Kitty._ Papa, that is a very pretty custom of yours, of every year -giving presents to the children of mortals; so pretty indeed, that I -wonder you have not tried it at home, that you have never given your -daughter a Christmas present. - -_Santa._ My dear child, it would be useless; the wealth of my kingdom -is at your command; your every wish is gratified. What more could I -give you than you already have? - -_Kitty._ But surely, surely, there is something in the land of mortals -which I have not. Could you not bring me a gift from there? - -_Santa._ I had not thought of that. Yes, ask what e’er thou wilt, be it -in my power to do so I will grant it. - -_Kitty._ You have given your word. - -_Santa._ Yes, and my word is worth twenty piastries on the dollar. - -_Kitty._ Then papa, bring me—bring me—a man! - -_Mrs. C._ What is the child saying? - -_Omnes._ She says she wants a man! - -_Santa._ (_aside_) Caught out on a foul! How am I to get out of this -predicament? I have given my word and I would rather break a dollar -bill than break my word. (_thinks_) Ah, I have it! I will bring her a -man, but oh, such a man! I will bring her a boodler, a fee-grabber, a -Farmer’s Alliance advocate, ha! ha! ha! She will be disgusted with the -whole race and I will save my honor and my child. (_turns to_ KITTY.) -Daughter, you shall have your man. - - _During this speech all indulge in business of surprise at_ - KITTY’S _rash request_. - -_Kitty._ Papa, you are a gem! - -_Santa._ A gem, daughter? You mean a jewel do you not? - -_Gus._ No she means tin-types; three for a quarter, doncherno. -(_sleigh-bells heard off_ R., GUSSIE _in horror_) Great smoke! There -goes that chestnut bell again. - -_Santa._ Ah! my sleigh and my fleet-footed reindeers are ready. I must -away. - - _Enter_, FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN, C., - _and stand one on each side of entrance_. - -_Footman._ Your majesty, we are ready. - (_bows low_ - -_Santa._ And so am I. My friends you well might envy me my ride -to-night, with the pale moon shining overhead and the white snow -gleaming beneath the feet of my fleet-footed reindeers. And the bells, -what melody their little metal tongues peal forth upon the frosty air. -Surely it is a subject worthy the pen of a poet; the description of a -sleigh-ride on a night like this. - -_Santa Claus sings_ - - SLEIGHING SONG. - _To the tune of “The Village Blacksmith.”_ - - Cling, cling, cling, cling; hark, the merry jingle; - Cling, cling, cling, cling; swift it’s drawing nigh; - How it makes my nerves with joy to tingle, - What’s the reason why? - Ancient and hoary though I be, - My beard a cloud of gray, - There is no other sport to me - Like riding in a sleigh. - - _Chorus._ Ancient and hoary though he be - His beard a cloud of gray, - He says “There is no other sport to me - Like riding in a sleigh.” - - Cling, cling, cling, cling: ring ye merry sleigh-bells, - Cling, cling, cling, cling; on the frosty air. - What tales of joy each little metal tongue tells, - Joy without a care. - Swift as swallows in their flight - My eight fleet reindeers go, - With stars above to furnish light - Reflected by the snow. - -_Repeat chorus softly as_ SANTA CLAUS _exits_ C., _followed by_ FOOTMAN -_and_ COACHMAN, _the rest gazing after him_. - - CURTAIN. - - END OF ACT I. - - - - - ACT II. - - - _SCENE._—_Same as in Act I. Sleigh bells heard in distance - coming nearer, until they stop at_ C.; SANTA CLAUS - _enters_ C., _followed by_ GUSSIE _and preceded by_ - FOOTMAN. - (_Exit_, FOOTMAN. - -_Gus._ Your majesty has returned. You are even more prompt than usual. -No one would suspect that those venerable whiskers of yours had been -silvered by the frosts of many hundreds of winters. - -_Santa._ No, Gus my boy, time has no power to dampen the ardor -of old Santa Claus, nor to make him the less able to perform his -self-appointed duties. But that reminds me Gus.; last night my daughter -made a strange request. You heard it did you not? - -_Gus._ Yes, your majesty, I heard it, and thought it strange that you -should make the promise that you did. - -_Santa._ And so it was, and would have been much worse than strange had -not a happy thought struck me with a force like unto a hod of falling -bricks. - -_Gus._ In other words, you had an idea. - -_Santa._ Right you are; and as a reward for your years of faithful -service I propose to share it with you. - -_Gus._ (_aside_) I wish his idea would take the form of an increase in -my salary. Ten dollars a month scarce suffices to keep me in raiment -befitting my noble birth and high position, doncherno. - -_Santa._ What were you saying, Gus? - -_Gus._ I was saying, your majesty, that I would indeed be proud to -share your first idea with you. - -_Santa._ Well then, this is the scheme: I have brought back with me a -man as green as the green isle from which he came, a regular Paddy of -the old school. My daughter, having seen no men but you and me, will -conclude that he is one of the choicest specimens of his species, and -will thus be disenchanted. - -_Gus._ The scheme looks well upon the face of it; I only hope that it -may conclude even as your majesty wishes. - -_Santa._ You hope that it may work! Why sir, it _must_ work! Think of -the position I would be in should my daughter ever marry! In six short -months or less, my son-in-law would have my throne and I would lose my -job; mayhaps, shorn of my kingly robes, be slinging hash to earn my -daily bread. - - (_shudders_ - -_Gus._ Well now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah, by Jove. - -_Santa._ What is that? Clever, did you say? - -_Gus._ I mean, your majesty, that it was very clevah of you to -extricate yourself from such a trying situation. - -_Santa._ Oh! yes, that’s different; and now I will proceed to unfold my -plans to you. - -_Gus._ Proceed by all means. - -_Santa._ I have ordered the terrier to be brought into this room, -and have also requested that my daughter come here. We will conceal -ourselves and enjoy her astonishment at her first meeting with her man. - - (O’ROURKE’S _voice heard off_ L. - -_O’Rourke._ Can’t yez let go av me arrums, yez miserable dagos? Do yez -think Oi can’t walk alone at all, at all? - -_Santa._ Ah! there he comes. Now then. - - (_they hide behind throne-chair_ - - _Enter_, O’ROURKE L., _with_ FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN - _holding to his arms_. - -_O’Rourke._ Come now, yeez hand-organ aristocrats, lave go me -arrums. (FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN _bow to him and exit_, C.) (O’ROURKE -_shivering_) Oh moy, oh moy, Oi don’t know whether this is an oice-crame -saloon or a refrigerator car, but wan thing Oi do know, an’ that same -is that this overcoat of moine is too foine for me prisint station in -loife. (_sees bell-rope_) Helloa, phwat’s that? Oi think Oi’ll give her -a pull and see if it won’t turrun on the stame. (_pulls rope, great -noise heard off_ L., O’ROURKE _terrified_) Oh Oi say now, phwat a -commiseration Oi’ve created, to be share. - - _Enter_, FOOTMAN, C. - -Oh, get out av this, get out av this! You little spalpeen; can’t yez -lave me alone at all, at all. - -_Foot._ I have answered the bell sir, what is your wish? - -_O’Rourke._ (_aside_) Oh, Oi see, he has come to take my order. -(_aloud_) Oi say, send me up a ton of coal and a match; do yez moind? - -_Foot._ We have no coal, sir. - -_O’Rourke._ Will yez listen to that now! Yez have no coal, is it? Thin -phwat do yez do for a foire, say now? - -_Foot._ We use no fire, sir; we do not feel the cold. - -_O’Rourke._ Yez don’t feel the could? Well thin, Oi do just that same. -Yez can take moi ordher for a suit of clothes if yez plaze, sor. - - (_exit_, FOOTMAN, C. - -Well, what a quare set of crathures these are to be sure, and what a -quare fix yez has got yerself into, McGinnins ould bye. Lasht night -I was promenading down the streets of me native city whin suddintly -biz—whiz—siz—and along came a sleigh pulled by six milch cows with -forked horruns and a little man insoide all covered over with whiskirs. -Thin out jumped thim little Frinch dagos, took hould of moi arrums -and chucked me into that sleigh so quick Oi couldn’t draw moi breath; -it’s down at the Bank yet. Oh, if Oi’d only had moi good shillelah -then; Oi’d have cracked them wance or twice so Oi would. Thin, -biz—whiz—siz—again, and here Oi am in a lodging house where they don’t -have no foire and don’t feel the could. Oh moi, oh moi, Oi’ll have to -keep circulatin’ around or Oi’ll be an oiceberg, so I will. - - (_dances around the room to keep warm_ - - _Enter_, KITTY, C., _unobserved by_ O’ROURKE - _and watches him for a time_. - -_Kitty._ What are you doing there? - -_O’Rourke._ (_still dancing and not looking around_) Kaping warrum to -be coorse. Did yez think Oi was saying moi prayers? - -_Kitty._ Are you a man? - -_O’Rourke._ Av coorse Oi’m a man. Phwat did yez take me for, a statty -of Venus? - - (_strokes his chin whiskers_ - -_Kitty._ Then you must be the man my papa was to bring me. - -_O’Rourke._ Yis, Oi’m yer man. (_stops dancing and looks at her_) Why, -begorra it’s a girrul! How do you do, Miss Cleveland? - -_Kitty._ My name is not Cleveland, sir: My name is Kitty Claus; I am -the daughter of Santa Claus. - -_O’Rourke._ Was that him what tore me away from moi home and kindred -last noight? - -_Kitty._ I suppose so. - -_O’Rourke._ Then, Miss Claus, Oi shall have yer father prosecuted for -cruelty to animals. That’s phwat Oi will. (_motions_ KITTY _to come -nearer_) Come here, now, come here, come here. (KITTY _comes to his -side_, O’ROURKE _in a stage whisper says_) Do yez chew gum? - -_Kitty._ No sir, my mamma says I mustn’t. - -_O’Rourke._ Well now, that’s a good girrul. Here is a penny; go to the -blacksmith’s and get a bun. Say, do you play on the type-writer? - -_Kitty._ Play on the type-writer? - -_O’Rourke._ To be coorse. - - (_goes through motions of writing with his fingers_ - -_Kitty._ What is that? I never saw a type-writer. - -_O’Rourke._ Never saw a type-writer? Oh moi child, moi child, Oi fear -your musical eddication has been sadly neglected. - -_Kitty._ I hope not, sir. I can sing quite well; at least so my papa -says. Shall I sing for you? - -_O’Rourke._ Yis, sing to me. - -_Kitty._ What shall I sing? - -_O’Rourke._ Oh, Oi don’t, care; anything but “Marguerite.” - -_Kitty._ Well then, how would you like to hear “The Song That Reached -My Heart?” - -_O’Rourke._ Oh, don’t do that, don’t do that. Oi’ve got the toothache. - -_Kitty._ You are hard to please, sir; but if you do not care to -hear the song that reached my heart, I will sing you one of my own -composition, written upon a theme which is nearest my heart, “The -Pleasure of Catching a Man.” - -_Kitty sings_ - - THE PLEASURE OF CATCHING A MAN. - _Music, “McSarley’s Most Elegant Twins.”_ - - I’ve a question momentous I wish to propound - To matrons and maidens alike: - If you lived in a land where men are not found, - Don’t you think you would go on a strike? - What’s the use of fine features, of bright eyes and curls, - When no one is by to admire? - I’ve tried it, and know what I’m saying, dear girls, - Of that kind of life you’d soon tire. - - _Chorus._ In childhood it’s dollies, it’s novels for girls, - But tell me my friends if you can, - Where’s the pleasure in life for a girl of eighteen - Like the pleasure of catching a man? - - Each day like the former a burden time hangs - On your hands; life itself is a bore. - With not even ambition to curl your bangs, - And your mirrors with dust covered o’er, - You would turn with disgust from a tailor-made gown, - From diamonds, lace and all that, - And in extreme cases one might even frown - At a love or a duck of a hat. - - You have heard of the blossom whose sweetest perfume - Was wasted upon desert air, - But the aimless existence of this pretty bloom - Does not for a moment compare - With the life of a maiden, the victim of Fate, - Compelled to live out life’s span - In a country that does not provide her a mate, - Too poor to furnish a man. - -_O’Rourke._ That’s a foine song, to be sure; beautiful sentiment and -all that, but are you really in earnest about this matter? - -_Kitty._ Indeed I am. - -_O’Rourke._ Thin how would yez loike to become Mrs. O’Rourke? - -_Kitty._ (_running toward him_) Oh! do you really mean—(_turning away_) -er—er—this is so sudden—you must give me time to think. - -_O’Rourke._ “Think it over!” Yes, an’ whoile yez is thinkin’ it over -Oi’ll be sthandin’ here frazin’ to death. Yez’ll have to do yer -thinkin’ purty quick Miss Claus, or yez’ll be a widdy before yez is -married, so you will. - -_Kitty._ Are you really cold, dear? Why of course you are; how stupid -of me to forget that you are not used to such a rigorous climate and -those clothes of yours are hardly the proper thing for this frigid -zone. I suppose you did not have time to change your clothes. - -_O’Rourke._ To be coorse Oi didn’t have toime to get a shave even. -(_strokes whiskers_) Bad cess to that father of yours. - -_Kitty._ Poor man, how you must suffer. Come with me. I will have the -court tailor take your measure for a suit of furs and the servants -shall see that you are provided with a fire. - -_O’Rourke._ Kitty, yez is a good girrul; but Oi say, would yez moind -sinding up a ham and some hen-fruit. - -_Kitty._ Hen-fruit? - -_O’Rourke._ Yis, some eggs, you know. - -_Kitty._ Oh! of course not. You shall have something to eat at once. - - (KITTY _goes to_ C. - -_O’Rourke._ (_aside_) McGinnis ould bye, yer in luck this toime to be -sure. What a pity it is we can’t all be borrun with silver spoons in -our pockets. Jist look at me now! Oi’m goin’ to have a shquare meal, a -shute of clothes and perhaps a woife, and whin Oi get her Oi’m goin’ -right back to ould Erin and—(_stops to think_) Ah! there’s the rub. How -am Oi goin’ to get back to Erin? (_aloud_) Well Kitty, Oi’m with yez -whoile the grub lashts. - - (_exeunt_, C. - - SANTA CLAUS _and_ GUSSIE _come from behind throne_. - -_Gus._ Well now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah! - -_Santa._ Oh Gussie! Gussie! Would you add insult to injury by mocking a -poor old man whose only daughter is about to break her father’s heart -by becoming the wife of a potato-masher? - -_Gus._ Pardon me, your majesty, but the potato-masher seems to have -crushed us very successfully. He has quite a fetching way with the -ladies too. I couldn’t have managed that little romance better myself. - -_Santa._ But what is to be done to avert this dreadful calamity? - -_Gus._ Send the terrier away, of course. - -_Santa._ Impossible! The man would die of cold and hunger. You seem -to forget, Gussie, that we are surrounded with ice and snow, piled -mountain-high. How many brave explorers from the land of mortals have -lost their lives in the attempt to penetrate the mysteries of the North -Pole. - -_Gus._ But can you not take the man away as you brought him here? - -_Santa._ Have you also forgotten that one of the conditions of my -becoming immortal and the Christmas Saint was that I was not to leave -these icy fastnesses but once each year? I can not take this man away -until next year on Christmas Eve, in that time who knows what dreadful -things may happen? - - (_completely un-nerved_ - -_Gus._ Your majesty, give me leave to think. - -_Santa._ Yes, Gussie, think! think! I know not if dudes have a thinker, -but if you have thinks to think, prepare to think them now Gussie, -prepare to think them now. (SANTA _drops in chair at table overcome by -emotion, while_ GUSSIE _walks up and down the room in comical attitude -of thinking_.) Your thinker seems to be working rather slowly, Gussie; -time is very precious to me now. - - (GUSSIE _stops suddenly and claps his hands_ - -_Gus._ I have it! - -_Santa._ Good! What is it? - -_Gus._ It is a plan to circumvent this Hibernian rogue, a very simple -plan, but clever, deucedly clever and reflects great credit upon it’s -author. - -_Santa._ Gussie, if your plan succeeds, I’ll raise your salary to -$12.00 a month. - -_Gus._ I hear some one approaching. I will not have time to explain my -plan in detail, but you must promise to make no objection to any of my -actions while I am carrying the plan out, and I assure you all will be -right in the end. - - _Enter_, O’ROURKE, R. U. E. - -_Santa._ (_hesitating_) I will do as you wish. - - (_exit_, L. - - O’ROURKE _advances forward looking admiringly at himself - in a new suit of clothes_. - -_O’Rourke._ Begorra, it’s a foine display Oi’m makin’ now. Oi’m a -worker from Cork so Oi am, and—(_sees_ GUSSIE) Oh! take it away, take -it away! - -_Gus._ This is Mr. O’Rourke, I believe. I must take the liberty of -introducing myself. I am Gussie de Smythe, Grand Illustrious Scribe and -Supreme Confidential Clerk to his Majesty, Santa Claus, Ruler of the -Kingdom of the North Pole. - -_O’Rourke._ (_aside_) He looks like a grand illustrated squib from -“Puck.” (_aloud_) Oi say, could you say that again and say it real -slow? You ought to be more careful about makin’ payple acquainted wid -doubtful characters. Howsomever, Oi don’t moind a little thing loike -that in a could counthry loike this. Oi’m quite fond of curiosities -moiself, so Oi am. - -_Gus._ Sir, this unseemly levity is far from being as clevah as you -suppose, in fact it is quite the contrary, doncherno; but to proceed to -business—you know the purpose for which you were brought here, do you -not? - -_O’Rourke._ Well thin, Oi don’t jist that same; Oi don’t know nawthin’ -about it at all, at all an’ that’s phwat’s the matter with me, so it is. - -_Gus._ Then I can enlighten you upon that point. You were brought here -to ascend the throne and become the successor of Santa Claus as ruler -of the Kingdom of the North Pole. - -_O’Rourke._ You don’t say; an’ how much will Oi git fur that job now? - -_Gus._ Oh! you will have this beautiful palace, innumerable servants -and countless wealth at your disposal. - -_O’Rourke._ But how about the wurruk? Phwat’s moy hours? - -_Gus._ You will have no work to do, nothing to do but sit on your -throne and make laws for the government of your Kingdom. A monarch -is never supposed to do anything for himself; there will be hosts of -servants at hand to do your bidding; and I, as your private secretary, -will ever be at your side ready to carry out your desires as soon, or -even before, they are expressed. - -_O’Rourke._ All roight, Oi’ll go you wan for luck. Begorra this job is -ace and joker ahead of the perlice force. - -_Gus._ I am glad that you are willing to assume the responsibilities -of the office sir. No time need be lost; we will proceed with the -coronation ceremonies at once. - - (_pulls bell-rope: noise as before_ - -_O’Rourke._ The corneration ceremonies? An’ phwat might them same be -now? - -_Gus._ You shall soon see. I have summoned all of the royal household, -including Santa Claus himself; he will renounce his title and the -throne, and will publicly proclaim you king with the title of Santa -Claus the II. - - O’ROURKE _struts up and down the stage arranging his - collar and tie_. SANTA CLAUS _enters_ L. U. E., - _with_ MRS. CLAUS _and_ KITTY _on either arm; comes - down stage_ L., _followed by the_ HOLIDAYS; FAIRIES - _enter_ R. U. E.; FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN _enter_ C., - _and stand on each side of the door_. - -_O’Rourke._ Ah! there’s Kitty. Swate girrul, that Kitty. Oi say, Kitty, -ain’t Oi a darlint in my new suit of clothes? - -_Kitty._ You are indeed a charming creature, Mr. O’Rourke. Are you for -sale? - -_O’Rourke._ Oi don’t know. Oi’ll come hoigh if Oi am. Oi’m the only wan -av me that’s left. - -GUSSIE _takes position in front, clears his throat and makes a few -preliminary gestures as if preparing to make a speech_. - -_Gus._ Friends, Romans, Countrymen— - -_O’Rourke._ Naw you don’t! Naw you don’t! You don’t borry anything from -me at all, at all. - -_Gus._ (_ignoring the interruption_) I have summoned you here to -witness the coronation ceremonies of Mr. McGinnis O’Rourke, whom I now -proclaim King of the North Pole with the title of Santa Claus II. - -_Santa._ (_going over to_ GUSSIE _and speaking angrily_) What -are you saying, sir? This is treason! Do you hear? Treason! - - (GUSSIE _goes through pantomime of explaining to_ SANTA - -_O’Rourke._ Do yez hear that now? Oi’m going to be King, so Oi am; and -Kitty, you shall be moy bride and do me washin’. You’re a princess now -Oi belave, but Oi’m going to make yez a rale queen. Do yez hear, Kitty -moy darlint? A rale queen and you shall have a new piece of gum ivery -day, so you shall. - -_Mrs. C._ What is that dreadful man saying? Come Kitty my child, you -must not stay here to be insulted in this way. - - (_tries to lead_ KITTY _off_ R. - -_Santa._ (_speaking aloud as he returns to his wife’s side_) All right, -Gussie, my boy; but be careful, be very careful. - - (_pantomime of persuading his wife to remain_ - -_Gus._ Well, Mr. O’Rourke, are you prepared to take the coronation oath? - -_O’Rourke._ No sir! Oi niver shware. Oi’m not abducted to the use av -profanity in any forrum sir. - -_Gus._ Well, I suppose the taking of the oath would be a useless -formality in your case; we will dispense with it. (_to_ FOOTMAN _and_ -COACHMAN) Bring in the royal diadem to crown his gracious majesty and -the royal sceptre, the symbol of his power. - - FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN _exit_ C., _and return with - a large crown and a feather duster_. - -_Gus._ Your majesty, in investing you with these symbols of royalty I -feel that I am conferring an unique distinction upon this people by -giving them for a ruler a man the like of whom has never before escaped -captivity. - -_Omnes._ Hear! Hear! - - FOOTMAN _places crown on_ O’ROURKE’S _head, he having - been led to the throne and seated thereon by_ - GUSSIE, _who takes feather duster from_ COACHMAN - _and brushes it across_ O’ROURKE’S _face_. - O’ROURKE _sneezes and fumbles in his pocket for a - handkerchief_. GUSSIE _takes it from him and wipes - his nose for him_. FOOTMAN _and_ COACHMAN _retire - to_ C. - -_O’Rourke._ Begorra, Oi’ve a notion to swipe yez for that, so Oi have. - -_Gus._ Pardon me, your majesty, but it is one of the privileges of my -exalted office to perform all little services of that kind for our -king. As I told you, a monarch is never permitted to do anything for -himself. There yet remains the Coronation song. - - CORONATION SONG. - _To the tune of “This House is Haunted.”_ - - _Gus._ I now proclaim you our king, our monarch, - And we your vassals true will be; - Be gracious to us, do not refuse us, - Thou brightest gem of royalty. - - _Mrs. C._ O! never fear, Gus., he’ll not refuse us, - How could you look for that from such as he? - - _Gus. and Mrs. C._ He’s much too greedy and likewise seedy - From such a snap as this to flee. - - _Chorus._ We now proclaim you our king, our monarch - And we your vassals true will be, - Be gracious to us, do not refuse us, - Thou brightest gem of royalty. - - _Kitty._ We have a man now lately imported - From over the sea, the Emerald Isle; - We must not lose him, I will amuse him, - Each idle moment I’ll be beguile. - - _Santa._ Oh never fear, dear, he will remain here, - He will not haste to leave us yet a while. - - _Kitty and Santa._ But if he would go, he could not do so, - Becoming an iceberg is not quite his style. - - (O’ROURKE _falls asleep during the song_ - -_Santa._ Well I declare, the fellow has actually fallen asleep! - - (_exit_, FAIRIES, R. U. E. - -_O’Rourke._ (_starting suddenly_) No Oi’m not asleep naythur. Who said -Oi was asleep, eh? (_yawns; starts to raise his hand to his mouth_; -GUSSIE _places his own hand over_ O’ROURKE’S _mouth_) By the powers -now, Oi’ve a notion to knock a quart of stars out av yez eyes for that. - - (_sparring_ - -_Gus._ Your majesty, it is one of the privileges of my office to cover -the King’s mouth when he yawns. - -_O’Rourke._ It is, is it? Well don’t yez do that same any more while Oi -am King or Oi’ll have yez hanged by the neck until yez are asphixiated, -see? - -_Kitty._ Poor man! It is very tiresome work, being a King. - -_O’Rourke._ It is just that Miss Kitty; let me advise yez not to try -it. But it will be different when Oi have you for my queen. - -_Santa._ That can never be! - -_O’Rourke._ Phwat is that? Git out sir, git out! Oi’ll have you -banished to wance. - - (GUSSIE _goes through pantomime imploring_ SANTA _to be silent_ - -_Gus._ Would your majesty be pleased to review the Amazons, the -defenders of our realm? - -_O’Rourke._ Oi don’t know what an Amazon is, but Oi’ll be glad to -interview anything for a change. - - _Enter_, FAIRIES _and_ HOLIDAYS, _and execute a fancy march_. - - _During progress of march_ O’ROURKE _attempts to - applaud and take part in, in all of which attempts - he is prevented by_ GUSSIE, _who explains in - pantomime that it does not become a monarch to - do anything of these things. At close of march_, - AMAZONS _take positions on_ R. _and_ L. _of stage_. - -O’ROURKE. Well now girruls, that’s foine. Oi think Oi’ll have yez on -guard duty around the throne all the time. Oi’m afraid somebody’ll -stale me, so Oi am. (_to_ GUSSIE, _who is talking to_ KITTY) Here sir, -come away from that! Get me something to eat. Oi hanker for poy. - -_Gus._ Your majesty shall have pie in one minute. - - (_talks to_ KITTY - -_O’Rourke._ (_astounded_) In wan minute! Ye haythen. Oi am the King and -when Oi want poy Oi want poy, and begorra Oi’m going to have it too. - - O’ROURKE _starts toward_ C., GUSSIE - _takes him by the arm and leads him back to throne, and makes sign to_ - FOOTMAN _who exits_, C. - -GUS. Your majesty shall have pie; but this unseemly haste ill befits a -monarch. - - _Enter_, FOOTMAN, C., _with pie on plate_. - -_O’Rourke._ Ah! that’s a sight to gladden moy eyes, so it is. Bring the -noble birrud here. - - O’ROURKE _starts to leave throne_; FOOTMAN _kneels and - presents pie_; GUSSIE _takes it from him and eats it - to the consternation of_ O’ROURKE. - -_Gus._ (_with mouth full of pie_) Your majesty, it is one of the -privileges of my exalted office to eat the King’s pie for him, -doncherno? - - (O’ROURKE _grows very angry; leaves the throne and comes down stage_ - -_O’Rourke._ This is the last ton av coal that broke the camel’s back! -Oi have let yez blow moy nose for me, scratch moy head for me and lead -me around loike a poodle on the end of a shtring, but Oi will let no -cigarette sign av yure soize eat moy poy for me sir! No sir! Not for -Venice! Yez can take yer ould kingdom; it’s nawthin but an Oice-house -anyway. Oi shall go back to Cork, get on the perlice force and eat a -poy-factory ivery day if Oi want to. That’s phwat Oi’ll do. - -_Santa._ (_aside to_ GUSSIE) Gussie you’re a jewel of the -first water. I congratulate you upon the success of your scheme. - -_O’Rourke._ Kitty, will yez fly wid me? - -_Kitty._ Unfortunately sir, I cannot fly, though I wish I could, for -that seems to be the only way by which we can escape this icy prison. - -_Santa._ (_to_ GUSSIE) Sir, I denounce you! Your scheme is a -failure. My daughter’s mind remains unchanged. She is ready, even now, -to fly to the end of the earth with this Hibernian babboon! - -_Gus._ Your majesty I have done my best; what more could I do. It was a -noble plan and worthy the great brain from which it sprang, but success -and failures are not far distant and I have fallen just outside the -foul-line. - -_O’Rourke._ Yez is a quare birrud, Mr. Gus. - -_Santa._ Yez, you have failed. And failed in such a way that the -dread calamity which you have endeavored to avert is now nearer than -before. What shall I do? What _shall_ I do? Ah, that is the question; -whether it were better to wed my daughter to this billy-goat and set at -rest, at once, this most vexatious question, or look me further for a -son-in-law. Ah! ha! I have a scheme! I’ll ask this man some questions -in the presence of my vassals here. An examination I’ll conduct more -strict than ever Civil Service knew. (_to_ O’ROURKE) Here sir, -I would a word with you. - -_O’Rourke._ All roight sor, apake out. Don’t be timid in the presence -av royalty. - -_Santa._ As the father of the girl, whose hand you seek in marriage, I -claim the privilege of inquiring concerning your antecedents. - -_O’Rourke._ Av coorse, av coorse. - -_Santa._ Who was your great-grandfather? - -_O’Rourke._ A man sor, and an Oirishman at that. He could foight sor -loike a dog and drink the craythure loike a fish dhrinking wather. And -such a jolly man he was too at a wake. Oi often wonder that the corpse -itself didn’t come to loife to take a hand in the fistivities. - -_Santa._ Your future prespect, sir, what are they? I mean—what shekels -are at your command. - -_O’Rourke._ A dollar and twenty kopecks is all Oi have at prisint, sor, -but Oi have a political pull that can be cashed at a moment’s notice. - -_Santa._ Your health is good of course; your digestion unimpaired? - -_O’Rourke._ And was yez spaking of moy digestion now? Begorra, jist -connect me wid a shquare meal and Oi’ll show yez phwat Oi can do in -that same line, so Oi will. - -_Santa._ Such a foolish act as that would only serve to bankrupt our -kingdom. But one more question I would ask; dost ever gamble, drink or -smoke? - -_O’Rourke._ Naythur av the former sor, but on accasions whin Oi would -be quite shwell Oi shmoke a cigarette or two. - -_Santa._ Ah, fiend! Away with him! - -_Omnes._ Shameful, shameful! A crime deserving death! - - (AMAZONS _form a circle around_ O’ROURKE - -_Mrs. C._ (_to_ KITTY) My daughter, see what a fate thy rash -infatuation would have consigned thee to. - -_Kitty._ I’ll save him yet and reform him. That is the mission of a -pretty girl; to make at least one man better. - - _While_ KITTY _is speaking Tableau curtain at back opens and_ - ERIN, _the_ GODDESS _of Ireland, appears. She steps - majestically to_ C. _of stage_. - -_Erin._ O’Rourke, thou’rt found at last, - I’ve searched for thee both far and wide - For many hours past. - Why from thine own native land - To this place didst thou roam? - Come sir, come hence with me, - I fain would see thee home. - -_O’Rourke._ Yes, Oi want to go home, Oi want to go home; take me -home—(_stops suddenly_) But what about Kitty? - -_Erin._ Kitty? What hast thou to do with the child? - -_O’Rourke._ She is going to be moy woife, ain’t you KITTY, me darlint? -Oi was going to make her moy queen, but Oi couldn’t even make a queen -of moyself now. - -_Erin._ Think of the maids of thy native isle, - That emerald gem of the sea; - Return at once and there we’ll find - A fairer bride for thee. - With eyes so bright and skin so fair, - And voices like the linnet, - Those Irish girls they beat the world - And Kitty isn’t in it. - -_Gus._ Well now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah, doncherno I believe I -will emigrate myself. - -_O’Rourke._ Yes, Oi know about them Oirish girruls; they are foine to -be coorse, but they are not moine and Kitty is, and that makes all the -difference in the wirruld. - -_Erin._ O’Rourke, will you go? - -_O’Rourke._ Kitty, will you go? - - (KITTY _nods her head in assent_ - -_O’Rourke._ Oi’ll pack me Saratogy and be wid ye in wan minute. - - (_exit_, L. U. E., _followed by_ ERIN - -_Mrs. C._ Kitty, you must not go. Think of your parents left -languishing over your loss, living alone and childless in this land of -eternal snow. - -_Santa._ And if you must marry, why not marry Gussie? He is certainly a -far handsomer and more suitable husband than this Irishman. - -_Gus._ Oh! I say now, that’s clevah, deucedly clevah. I am agreeable -and leave the matter entirely with Miss Kitty, doncherno. - -_Kitty._ Bah! A dude lacks five points of being equal to no husband. -I’ll marry a _man_ or never wed. (_sadly_) Shall I go or stay? I can -divide my love, but not myself, and— - - _TABLEAU._—_Scene opens at back, showing_ O’ROURKE _dressed - as in first act, with grip and cane in hand_. ERIN _tries - to lead him away. He stretches one hand imploringly - toward_ KITTY, _who moves slowly toward him and extends - both her hands, one of which_ O’ROURKE _takes_. MRS. - CLAUS _rushes forward and seizes the other and tries to - lead her back_. SANTA CLAUS _makes a gesture commanding_ - O’ROURKE _to begone_. - - - CURTAIN. - - THE END. - - - - - THEATRICAL AND Fancy Costume Wigs. - - - Attention is called to this List of WIGS, BEARDS, - MUSTACHES, WHISKERS, &c. - - We employ a Wig-maker especially to manufacture goods for - our trade, and can guarantee satisfaction. All - goods made under our personal supervision. - -In ordering be careful to state every particular, _i. e._, size, color, -etc. Any wig for special character or occasion can be made to order. - - White Old Man $4 50 - Iron Gray 4 50 - Yankee 4 50 - Irish 4 50 - Crop, (all colors) 5 50 - Fright 4 00 - Negro 1 00 - " (white old man) 1 50 - " (gray old man) 1 50 - " (with top knot) 1 50 - " (wench) 5 00 - Sir Peter Teazle 5 00 - Shylock 4 50 - Court Wig with Bag 4 50 - Court wig with Tie 4 50 - Paul Pry 4 50 - Dundreary 5 50 - Light Dress Wig, with parting 5 50 - Rough Irishman 4 00 - Flaxen Country Boy 3 50 - Physician or Lawyer—white 5 00 - Dress Wig with Eyebr’ws & Whisk’rs 5 50 - Dress, without parting. 4 00 - Duplex; can be worn either as male - or female Wig; very convenient; - in reality, 2 Wigs in one 6 00 - Flow Wigs, long hair, suitable for - most Shakesperian characters, - Fairy Plays, &c. 5 50 - Dress Scalp, with parting 5 00 - Scalps 2 75 - Gentlemanly Irish, with parting 5 00 - Bald Wigs, grey or white, 4 50 - Rip Van Winkle 4 50 - Grey Dress Wig, with parting, 4 50 - White " " " " 4 50 - Clowns, in colors, 4 50 - Plantaloon, Wig and Beard, 5 00 - Robinson Crusœ 4 50 - Monk 4 00 - Box and Cox, 2 Wigs; each Wig 3 50 - Chinaman, with Pigtail, 5 00 - Dress Wig, superior, 5 00 - Red and Brown bald Wigs 4 50 - - LADIES - Court Wig 6 50 - Grand Dutchess 6 50 - Lady Teazle 7 00 - Marie Antonette 7 50 - Mother-in-Law 5 50 - Female, plain long hair, so that lady - can do up as she wishes, a really - fine wig 10 00 - Nigger Crape Masks, a substitute for - blacking the face 2 00 - Ladies’ Wig, blonds, light and dark, - brown and black, made up in - present fashion 6 00 - Comic Old Woman’s Front Piece $2 50 - - BEARDS, WHISKERS, MUSTACHES, &c. - - Side Whiskers & Mustache on wire $1 25 - Side Whiskers and Mustache on - wire, superior 1 50 - Side Whiskers, no Mustache, wire 1 00 - Side Whiskers and Mustache, gauze 2 00 - Side Whiskers and Mustache, on - gauze, superior, 2 25 - Side Whiskers, without Mustache, - on gauze, 1 50 - Side Whiskers, without Mustache - on gauze, superior, 1 75 - Full Beard 1 75 - Full Beard, superior, 2 00 - Full Beard without Mustache 1 50 - Full Beard, no Mustache superior 1 75 - Mustache and Chin Beard, combined 2 00 - Imperials 30 - Full Chin Beard 1 25 - Mustaches on wire 35 - " " gauze 40 - - CRAPE HAIR—FOR MAKING FALSE - WHISKERS, MUSTACHES, &C. - - Colors: Black, White, Light Brown, - Dark Brown, Iron-grey and Red. - Price, per yard 25 - - - Address, - THE AMES PUBLISHING CO., - LOCK BOX 152 CLYDE, OHIO. - - - ARTICLES NEEDED BY AMATEURS. - - MAKE YOUR OWN WIGS, BEARDS, MUSTACHES, Etc. - - PREPARED WOOL IN ALL COLORS. Per oz., 50c. - -=TABLEAUX LIGHTS.= Our Tableaux Lights are very easily used and are of -the best manufacture. Plainest directions accompany each. We have the -following colors: Red, Green, Blue, and White. Price each, 25 cents. - -=COLORED FIRE IN BULK.= Put up in one-half pound packages. Price per -pound, $1.75; per half pound, $1.00. - -=MAGNESIUM TABLEAUX LIGHTS.= A metal capable of being ignited by a -common match, and burning with great brilliancy. This is the best light -for moonlight and statuary. Price per package, 30 cents: per dozen, -$2.50. - -=LIGHTNING FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS.= We will send a FLASH BOX and -material for this purpose, with full printed directions for their use, -to any address, for 50 cents. The effect produced by it will be found -all that can be desired. - -=BLUE.= For unshaven faces. This is very necessary in low comedy -characters. Price per box, 25 cents. - -=PREPARED BURNT CORK.= For Negro minstrels. This article we can -recommend, as it can be taken off as easily as put on; in which it -differs from most all others manufactured. Enough for 25 performances -in each box. Price per box, 40 cents. - -=COCOA BUTTER.= This article is necessary to every lady or gentleman -whether on the stage or in private life, as it smoothes the skin and -keeps it from chapping. It is a very handy means of removing the -make-up, as a piece of Cocoa Butter passed over the face will loosen -all adhesive matter so thoroughly as to admit of being wiped off the -face at once and completely. Should be used before making up. Price, 25 -cents. - -=CARMINE.= For the face, and to heighten the effect of Burnt Cork in -Negro characters. Price per box, 30 cents. - -=PREPARED DUTCH PINK.= For pale, sallow, and wan complexions. Price per -box, 25 cents. - -=CHROME.= For sallow complexions, also for lightening the eyebrows, -mustaches, etc. Price per box, 25 cents. - -=EMAIL NOIR.= To stop out teeth for old men characters, witches, etc. -Price, 40 cents. - -=PREPARED FULLER’S EARTH.= To powder the face before “making up.” -Price, 30 cents. - -=JOINING PASTE.= For joining bald fronts of wigs to forehead. Price per -stick, 15 cents. - -=MASCARO, or WATER COSMETIQUE.= For darkening the eyebrows and -mustaches, without greasing them, and making them prominent. Brown or -black, 60 cents. - -=MONGOLIAN.= For Indians, Mulattoes, etc. Price per box, 30 cents. - -=PASTE POWDER.= To enlarge the shape of the nose for low comedy -characters, etc. Price per box, 30 cents. - -=PREPARED NOSE PUTTY.= Used for the same purpose as Paste Powder and -used in the same way. Price, 25 cents. - -=RUDDY ROUGE.= For sunburnt faces. Most essential for low comedy, -country or seaman’s character. Price per box, 30 cents. - -=SPIRIT GUM.= The best in use, prepared expressly for securing -mustaches, etc. Price, 25 cents. - -=SKIN MUSTACHE MASKS.= For hiding the mustache in powder costume -pieces, negress characters, etc. Price, 15 cents. - -=POWDERED ANTIMONY.= For shading the hollows of the eyes. Price per -box, 30 cents. - -=PREPARED WHITING.= For Pantomimes, Clown’s Faces, Statuary, etc. Price -per box, 25 cents. - - CREAM STICK PAINTS. - - = No. 1=— Very Light Flesh Color. - = " 2=—Deeper Tint Flesh Color. - = " 3=—Natural Flesh, } - = " 4=—Rose Tint, } For Juvenile - = " 5=—Deeper Shade, } Heroes. - = " 6=—Healthy Sunburnt. - = " 7=—Healthy Sunburnt, deeper shade. - = " 8=—Sallow, for young men. - = " 9=—Healthy Color, for middle age. - = " 10=—Sallow, for old age. - = " 11=—Ruddy. - = " 12=—Olive, healthy. - = " 13=—Olive, lighter shade. - = " 14=—Gipsy Flesh Color. - = " 15=—Othello. - = " 16=—Chinese. - = " 17=—Indian. - = " 18=—East Indian. - = " 19=—Jap. - -Done up in sticks 4 inches in length at 25 cents each; 8-inch sticks, -50 cents. Lining Colors, 4 inches long, at 10 cents each, except -Carmine which is 15 cents. - -A box of Cream Sticks, containing the following colors: Two shades of -Flesh, one Black, one Brown, one Lake, one Crimson, one White, one -Carmine, and a color for Shading Wrinkles, $1.00. - -[Illustration] - -FOUND AT LAST! - -A Pocket Speller, Dictionary, and Memorandum Book Combined. - -A Concise Description of Thompson’s Pocket Speller. - -It gives the right orthography of all words, (over 22,800) in common -use, and in nearly every instance their definition. It also gives the -right orthography of the given names of men and women, rules for the -use of capitals and punctuation marks, abbreviations of names of states -and territories, letters of introduction and recommendation, definition -of commercial terms, forms of notes, due bills, receipts, letters of -credit, orders for money, merchandise and goods stored, principal -holidays, marriage anniversaries, combination of shades, and carefully -selected laws of etiquette in social and business life, also a silicate -slate for memorandums. - -The Speller is bound in leather and indexed, and is of convenient size -to be carried in vest pocket. - - Reasons why this Speller and Dictionary is the most - desirable book of its kind, and some of the many - advantages it has over all others. - -1. It gives the most complete list of words in common use. - -2. It is a Speller, Dictionary, handy companion and memorandum book -combined. - -3. It is the only book of the kind that can be conveniently carried in -the vest pocket, being the regular size of memorandum books made for -that purpose. - -4. It is the only book of its kind that is indexed. - -5. It is the only book of its kind that prints all words pronounced -alike but spelled differently, so they can be distinguished at a glance. - -6. It is the only book of its kind that gives the right orthography of -the given names of men and women. - -7. It is the only book of its kind that show where the letter _E_ at -the end of a word is to be dropped when adding _ed_ or _ing_. - -8. It is the only book of its kind that gives a complete list of the -most practical business forms. - -9. It is the only book of its kind that gives the laws of etiquette -in social and business life; these rules alone are worth the price of -Speller. - -10. This Speller is bound in two qualities of leather and its price -brings it within the reach of all, being 50 cents, bound with American -Russia leather, Gilt edge and indexed. Bound with imitation Seal, red -edge and not indexed, 25 cents. On receipt of Post Office Order, (for -quality desired) the Speller will be prepaid to any address. - - Ames’ Publishing Co., - Lock Box 152, CLYDE, OHIO. - - Roorbach’s - - LIST OF NEW PLAYS. - Male Female - Broken Promises 6 3 - Engaged 5 5 - Sign of Affection 2 2 - Single Life 5 5 - Wanderer’s Return 6 4 - By Force of Impulse 9 3 - Woven Web 7 3 - Darkey Wood Dealer 2 1 - April Fools 3 0 - Old Cronies 2 0 - Popping the Question 2 4 - Our Boys 6 4 - Between Two Fires 8 3 - Saved from the Wreck 8 3 - Wanted, a Confidential Clerk 6 0 - Second Sight 4 1 - Under a Cloud 3 2 - Imogene, or the Witch’s Secret 8 4 - Strife 9 4 - Tried and True 8 3 - Crawford’s Claim 9 3 - Old Plantation Night 4 4 25c. - Illustrated Tableaux 25 cents. - Theatrical and Tableaux Vivants for Amateurs 25 cents. - What Shall We Act 25 cents. - A Practical Guide to Private Theatricals 25 cents. - Townsend’s Amateur Theatricals 25 cents. - Helmer’s Make-Up Book, a practical and systematic - treatise on the art of making-up for the stage, with - special treatment on the use of Wigs, Beards, etc. - the make-up and its requisite material, cuts of the - different features and their management, special - character masks, etc. With special hints to ladies 25 cents. - - AMES PUBLISHING CO., - _Lock Box 152. CLYDE, OHIO._ - -Every Amateur wants a copy, and should order at once. - -HINTS TO AMATEURS, - -BY A. D. AMES. - - - A book of useful information for Amateurs and others, written expressly - for those who are giving public entertainments—and who - wish to make their efforts successful—containing - much information never before given. Mr. Ames - has had many years experience, and in - this work gives many hints which - cannot fail to be of great - benefit to all. - - Do you wish to know How to act? - Do you wish to know How to make up? - Do you wish to know How to make fuses? - Do you wish to know How to be prompted? - Do you wish to know How to imitate clouds? - Do you wish to know How to imitate waves? - Do you wish to know How to make thunder? - Do you wish to know How to produce snow? - Do you wish to know How to articulate? - Do you wish to know How to make lightning? - Do you wish to know How to produce a crash? - Do you wish to know How to make a wind-storm? - Do you wish to know How to be successful on the stage? - Do you wish to know The effects of the drama on the mind? - Do you wish to know How to assign parts successfully? - Do you wish to know The duties of the property man? - Do you wish to know How to arrange music for plays? - Do you wish to know Many hints about the stage? - Do you wish to know How to form a dramatic club? - Do you wish to know The duty of the prompter? - Do you wish to know How to conduct rehearsals? - Do you wish to know The best method for studying? - Do you wish to know How to make a stage laugh? - Do you wish to know How to burn a colored fire? - Do you wish to know How to make a rain storm? - Do you wish to know A short history of the drama? - Do you wish to know All about scene painting? - Do you wish to know Macready’s method for acting? - -If you wish to know the above, read Hints to Amateurs, it will be sent -you for 15 cents per copy. - -THE New York Book Ag’t; OR, THE MISER’S GOLD. - - _A Drama in Four Acts by D. H. Moore, Jr. Time 1 hour - 7 male, 3 female characters. Costumes - modern. Scenery simple._ - - -A good villain, two old men, country boy, Dan, the halfwit, two fine -Irish parts for Biddy and Pat, leading lady and old woman, detective in -search of a criminal, who at last is captured after robbing and killing -the Miser, who is his own father. - - Price 15 Cents. - -LOCKED In a Dress-maker’s Room; OR, Mr. Bob Holiday’s Flirtation. - - _A Farce in One Act, by Willard Guepner. - 3 male, 2 female characters. - Time 20 minutes._ - -Very good afterpiece in which the characters are all good. Mr. Holiday, -a banker, is in love with Mrs. Stone; Miss Prim, the dress-maker, in -whose rooms the flirtation is carried on; Mr. Stone becomes jealous -and goes in search of his wife; Mr. Holiday cannot escape and is -transformed into an ancient maiden—Tableau. - - Price 15 Cents. - - THE THREE HATS. - A Comedy - _IN THREE ACTS, BY_ - ALFRED HENNEQUIN, - - _Translated and adapted from the French_ - - BY - NEWTON CHISNELL. - - This Comedy is written for 4 male and 3 female characters. - - - SYNOPSIS. - -M. Adolphe Trimadart, who on a visit to London saves the life of M. -Dupraillon at a fire, for which Dupraillon is very grateful and takes -Adolphe to his home in Paris—Adolphe falls in love with a young lady -at a glove store unknown to Dupraillon—During Mrs. Dupraillon’s -absence from the city Dupraillon accidently meets a lady—a supper at -Clerbois’—an accident as he leaves the house causes him to stumble -against some gentlemen whose hats are knocked off; during the scuffle -the cry of “police” is heard, and he picks up, as he supposes, his -own hat, but on arriving at home he discovers he has a hat with M. -Durand’s card, while his hat has his own card in—His wife returns and -he is afraid she will discover his adventure and supper at Clerbois’ -with the lady. The three hats cause a great deal of trouble as well -as amusement, as the owners, as well as others, get mixed up in the -misunderstanding caused by the exchanging of hats. - - Price 15 Cents. - -Hallabahoola, Medicine Man. - -_An Original Farce in one scene, by Bert Richards, author of “The -Colored Senators,” “Fooling with the Wrong Man,” “Cupid’s Capers,” “The -Spellin’ Skew,” etc. for 4 male and 3 female characters. The situations -in this piece are extremely ludicrous; Costumes to suit characters; -Time of performance 40 minutes._ - - _Price 15 Cents._ - -The Irish Squire, of Squash Ridge. - - _A Farce in two scenes, by J. E. Crary, author of “The - Old Wayside Inn,” “Alma, or United at Last,” etc., - for 4 male and 2 female characters. This farce is - very funny and will be sure to please. Costumes - modern and the time of performance is 40 minutes. - Price 15 Cents._ - - AMES’ PLAYS—CONTINUED. - - NO. M. F. - Comedies Continued. - - 237 Not Such a Fool as He Looks 6 3 - 126 Our Daughters 8 6 - 265 Pug and the Baby 5 3 - 114 Passions 8 4 - 264 Prof. James’ Experience Teaching Country School 4 3 - 219 Rags and Bottles 4 1 - 239 Scale with Sharps and Flats 3 2 - 221 Solon Shingle 14 2 - 262 Two Bad Boys 7 3 - 87 The Biter Bit 3 2 - 131 The Cigarette 4 2 - 240 $2,000 Reward 2 0 - - TRAGEDIES. - 16 The Serf 6 3 - - FARCES & COMEDIETTAS. - 129 Aar-u-ag-oos 2 1 - 132 Actor and Servant 1 1 - 289 A Colonel’s Mishap 5 0 - 12 A Capital Match 3 2 - 303 A Kiss in the Dark 2 3 - 166 A Texan Mother-in Law 4 6 - 30 A Day Well Spent 7 5 - 169 A Regular Fix 2 4 - 286 A Professional Gardener 4 2 - 80 Alarmingly Suspicious 4 3 - 78 An Awful Criminal 3 3 - 31 A Pet of the Public 4 2 - 21 A Romantic Attachment 3 3 - 123 A Thrilling Item 3 1 - 20 A Ticket of Leave 3 2 - 175 Betsey Baker 2 2 - 8 Better Half 5 2 - 86 Black vs. White 4 2 - 22 Captain Smith 3 3 - 84 Cheek Will Win 3 0 - 287 Cousin-Josiah 1 1 - 225 Cupids Capers 4 4 - 249 Double Election 9 1 - 49 Der Two Surprises 1 1 - 72 Deuce is in Him 5 1 - 19 Did I Dream it 4 3 - 42 Domestic Felicity 1 1 - 188 Dutch Prize Fighter 3 0 - 220 Dutchy vs. Nigger 3 0 - 148 Eh? What Did You Say 3 1 - 218 Everybody Astonished 4 0 - 224 Fooling with the Wrong Man 2 1 - 233 Freezing a Mother-in-Law 2 1 - 154 Fun in a Post Office 4 2 - 184 Family Discipline 0 1 - 274 Family Jars 5 2 - 209 Goose with the Golden Eggs 5 3 - 13 Give Me My Wife 3 3 - 307 Hallabahoola, the Medicine Man 4 3 - 66 Hans, the Dutch J. P. 3 1 - 271 Hans Brummel’s Cafe 5 0 - 116 Hash 4 2 - 120 H. M. S. Plum 1 1 - 50 How She has Own Way 1 3 - 140 How He Popped the Quest’n. 1 1 - 74 How to Tame M-in-Law 4 2 - 35 How Stout Your Getting 5 2 - 247 Incompatibility of Temper 1 2 - 95 In the Wrong Clothes 5 3 - 305 Jacob Shlaff’s Mistake 3 2 - 299 Jimmie Jones 3 2 - 11 John Smith 5 3 - 99 Jumbo Jum 4 3 - 82 Killing Time 1 1 - 182 Kittie’s Wedding Cake 1 3 - 127 Lick Skillet Wedding 2 2 - 228 Lauderbach’s Little Surprise 3 0 - 302 Locked in a Dress-maker’s Room 3 2 - 106 Lodgings for Two 3 0 - 288 Love in all Corners 5 3 - 139 Matrimonial Bliss 1 1 - 231 Match for a Mother-in-Law 2 2 - 235 More Blunders than one 4 3 - 69 Mother’s Fool 6 1 - 23 My Heart’s in Highlands 4 3 - 208 My Precious Betsey 4 4 - 212 My Turn Next 4 3 - 32 My Wife’s Relations 4 4 - 186 My Day and Now-a-Days 0 1 - 273 My Neighbor’s Wife 3 3 - 296 Nanka’s Leap Year Venture 5 2 - 259 Nobody’s Moke 5 2 - 44 Obedience 1 2 - 33 On the Sly 3 2 - 57 Paddy Miles’ Boy 5 2 - 217 Patent Washing Machine 4 1 - 165 Persecuted Dutchman 6 3 - 195 Poor Pilicody 2 3 - 159 Quiet Family 4 4 - 171 Rough Diamond 4 3 - 180 Ripples 2 0 - 267 Room 44 2 0 - 48 Schnaps 1 1 - 138 Sewing Circle of Period 0 5 - 115 S. H. A. M. Pinafore 3 3 - 55 Somebody’s Nobody 3 2 - 232 Stage Struck Yankee 4 2 - 241 Struck by Lightning 2 2 - 270 Slick and Skinner 5 0 - 1 Slasher and Crasher 5 2 - 137 Taking the Census 1 1 - 252 That Awful Carpet Bag 3 3 - 40 That Mysterious B’dle 2 2 - 38 The Bewitched Closet 5 2 - 101 The Coining Man 3 1 - 167 Turn Him Out 3 2 - 291 The Actor’s Scheme 4 4 - 308 The Irish Squire of Squash Ridge 4 2 - 285 The Mashers Mashed 5 2 - 68 The Sham Professor 4 0 - 295 The Spellin’ Skewl 7 6 - 54 The Two T. J’s 4 2 - 28 Thirty-three Next Birthday 4 2 - 292 Tim Flannigan 5 0 - 142 Tit for Tat 2 1 - 276 The Printer and His Devils 3 1 - 263 Trials of a Country Editor 6 2 - 7 The Wonderful Telephone 3 1 - 281 Two Aunt Emily 0 8 - 269 Unjust Justice 6 2 - 170 U. S. Mail 2 2 - 213 Vermont Wool Dealer 5 3 - 151 Wanted a Husband 2 1 - 70 Which will he Marry 2 8 - 135 Widower’s Trials 4 5 - 147 Waking Him To 1 2 - 155 Why they Joined the Rebeccas 0 4 - 111 Yankee Duelist 3 1 - 157 Yankee Peddler 7 3 - - ETHIOPIAN FARCES. - 204 Academy of Stars 6 0 - 65 An Unwelcome Return 3 1 - 15 An Unhappy Pair 1 1 - 172 Black Shoemaker 4 2 - 98 Black Statue 4 2 - 222 Colored Senators 3 0 - 214 Chops 3 0 - 145 Cuff’s Luck 2 1 - 190 Crimps Trip 5 0 - 27 Fetter Lane to Gravesend 2 0 - 230 Hamlet the Dainty 6 1 - 153 Haunted House 2 0 - 103 How Sister Paxey got her Child Baptized 2 1 - 24 Handy Andy 2 0 - 230 Hypochondriac, The 2 0 - 47 In the Wrong Box 3 0 - 77 Joe’s Visit 2 1 - 88 Mischievous Nigger 4 2 - 256 Midnight Colic 2 1 - 128 Musical Darkey 2 0 - 90 No Cure No Pay 3 1 - 61 Not as Deaf as He Seems 3 0 - 244 Old Clothes 3 0 - 234 Old Dad’s Cabin 2 1 - 150 Old Pompey 1 1 - 210 Othello 4 1 - 109 Other People’s Children 3 2 - 297 Pomp Green’s Snakes 2 0 - 134 Pomp’s Pranks 2 0 - 258 Prof. Bones’ Latest Invention 5 0 - 177 Quarrelsome Servants 3 0 - 96 Rooms to Let 2 1 - 107 School 5 0 - 133 Seeing Bosting 3 0 - 179 Sham Doctor 3 3 - 94 16,000 Years Ago 3 0 - 243 Sports on a Lark 3 0 - 25 Sport with a Sportsman 2 0 - 92 Stage Struck Darkey 2 1 - 238 Strawberry Shortcake 2 0 - 10 Stocks Up, Stocks Down 2 0 - 64 That Boy Sam 3 1 - 233 The Best Cure 4 1 - 282 The Intelligence Office 3 0 - 122 The Select School 5 0 - 118 The Popcorn Man 3 1 - 6 The Studio 3 0 - 108 Those Awful Boys 5 0 - 245 Ticket Taker 3 0 - 4 Twain’s Dodging 3 1 - 197 Tricks 5 2 - 198 Uncle Jeff 5 2 - 216 Vice Versa 3 1 - 206 Villkens and Dinah 4 1 - 210 Virginia Mummy 0 1 - 203 Who Stole the Chickens 1 1 - 205 William Tell 4 0 - 156 Wig-Maker and His Servants 3 0 - - GUIDE BOOKS. - 17 Hints on Elocution - 130 Hints to Amateurs - - CANTATA. - 215 On to Victory 4 6 - - TABLEAUX. - 250 Festival of Days - - PANTOMIME. - 260 Cousin John’s Album - - - MAKE YOUR OWN WIGS! - - PREPARED WOOL! - - _PREPARED WOOL IS AN ARTICLE THAT EVERYONE, WITHOUT ANY - EXPERIENCE CAN MAKE INTO_ - - WIGS! BEARDS! MUSTACHES! ETC. - - _AT VERY LITTLE COST, - AND WILL BE SURE TO GIVE SATISFACTION._ - - PRICE 50 CENTS PER OUNCE. - - _Address, THE AMES PUBLISHING CO._, - _Lock Box 152, CLYDE, OHIO_. - - -Transcriber's Notes: - - Underscores "_" before and after a word or phrase indicate _italics_ - in the original text. - Equal signs "=" before and after a word or phrase indicate =bold= - in the original text. - Small capitals have been converted to SOLID capitals. - Old or antiquated spellings have been preserved. - Typographical errors have been silently corrected but other variations - in spelling and punctuation remain unaltered. - The heading "ACT II" after "END OF ACT I" was added by the transcriber - for the sake of clarity and consistency. - - - - - -End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Santa Claus' Daughter, by -Everett Elliott and F. W. 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